diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0090.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0090.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4f29c820 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0090.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3436 @@ + ________________________________________ + /// \\\ + ||| `Y88P' `Y88P' ,oQ88Do, `Y88P"`"YP ||| + =-==========|= 88 88 d8P' `Y8b `88' ' =|===========-= + ||| .,$8ooooo8$ 88 88 .,88o8 ||| + ||| 88 8b 88 88 88 ||| + =-==========|= 88 88 Y8b. .d8P .88 . =|========ks=-= + <%$#@ ||| ,d88b, ,d88b, `"Y88P"` ,d88b,.,db ||| @#$%> + <%$#@ @#$%> + <%$#@ -90- @#$%> + <%$#@ @#$%> + <%$#@ "The Final Jammy" @#$%> + <%$#@ @#$%> + <=====================================================================> + +telnet> co hoe.org + +Trying...666.174.2.1 +Connected to HOE.ORG.. +Escape character is '^]'. + +Welcome to the Place Where Piggies Frolic + + "Oink! Oink!" + +elite login: mogel +sekrut werd: fuck_me_sideways + + w00t!@# yEr k0dEz wERkED!@ + + y0U'Ve eNtERR'd dE eLYTe pLACE!@ + + .ad$a. + `D$$$a $$$$ .a$$$$$$a. .ad$$a. .a$$$$$$a. $a.&$$$a. .a$$$$$$a. + `$$$$ $$$$ $$$' i$$$$ $$$$P' $$$' i$$$$ $$$' $$ $$$' `$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$ d$'$$$ $$$ $$$ d$'$$$ $$$ ,$$ $$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$e$' $$$ $$$$ $$$e$' $$$ $$$$$$$$' $$$ $$$$$ + $$$$ $$$$ $$$$' ,$$$ $$$' .@@@, $$$$' ,$$$ $$$' $$$ $$$. ,$$$ + $$$$ $$$$ `D$$$$$$P' $$$$$$a. @$$$@ `D$$$$$$P' $$$ $$$ `D$$$$$$P' + $$$' `@@@' $$' + $$' $' + $' + + + Last interactive login on Wednesday, 22-JULY-1995 10:05 + + You Have 2 New Mail Messages. + + Yes, You still have your appendix. + +% mail + + Welcome to the FUNK E-Mail reader V4.9-2 + +email> read 1 + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +From sheik@ndts7.pt06.ndsu.NoDak.edu +Date: 19 July 95 01:46 PDT +Subject: Invitation to #warez2 + + I would like to formally invite you to the #warez2 channel located on +IRC! Our staff is dedicated to provide safety and fun for your pleasure. I +am Sheik, the security chief for all of the channels that include: #warez2, +#warez3, #warez4, #warez5, #warez6, #warez7 + + Our channels are dedicated to allow free transfer of any and all +copyrighted software. In the new electronic age, the authorities really +don't give a shit about our activities. We transfer games, applications, and +utilities for DOS, Windows, OS/2, and WinNT/95. + + Our goal is to allow everyone to trade files freely. My job is to +make sure the channels stay safe and secure while everyone exchanges their +latest versions of Microsoft Office, Sim Town, Comanche CD-ROM, Warriors +CD-ROM, and Quantum Castle. There are, of course, many other applications +and games that everyone is exchanging online IRC. + + Is this illegal? Yes. Does anyone care? No. So come on and drop +by our channels and exchange some software! We might even give you a few +Warez FTP sites just for being there. + + #warez2 is open most of the time. If you can't get in there, just +ask myself (Sheik), or any of my channel assistances: + + asylum, Lyrch, lsi, Vortex-, devan, SprinT, claim, PeLe_, LeStaT_ + WAngel, Xtream, ZED, fuct, fet, Stumble, ByT0R, v0ntrips, TCB + Cassidy, [Rain, BlAcKLiTE, PeNNyWisE, Phantasy, PRiME, Mal_2 + + Our channel bots are: GdAnGuS, GdAnGi, SiteServ, and many others. + + The more public channels: #warez5 -> #warez9 are always open. + + I hope to see you down in our channel. We can always use the help +of exchanging files... plus it's fun and you'll meet new friends! + + See you there! Also, I am using SLIP right now, so you will not be +able to respond back via e-mail. Please meet me online IRC, or see me in the +channel. + +-- +The Sheik +Security Chief for #warez2 +Co-Assistant is "asylum" at dpotter@theodolite.ae.calpoly.edu + +"Trade warez all day long; it's what the Internet is for!" +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +email> read 2 + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +From everlast@aol.com +Date: 29 July 95 04:46 PDT +Subject: hey mogel!@# + + Hey Mogel! + + This is quite a blast from the past and all, but after all this time, +I've finally got net access! boy, that bbs world stuff is so limited! now +I can find more bomb files and learn much more! So how's HoE? I've heard +you guys got a lot bigger, and even without me! I can't wait to see the +kewl stuff that has come out of HoE since I wrote my ping pong bomb file back +in #7. I was thinking of doing an supplement file to that. What do you +think? + +Please reply, + +Everlast +______________________________________________________________________________ + +email> del 1 + +email> del 2 + +email> exit + +% nn + +Now Entering l0ZeNET. +Better than UseNet. + +NEWSRDR V7.2-6 +Copyright © 1995 HoE Inc. All Rights Reserved. +%NEWS-I-CONNECTING, connecting to NNTP server funky-rad.net +%NEWS-I-NEWGROUP, found new group alt.gr33nday.ph0rever +%NEWS-I-NEWGROUP, found new group alt.nerdy.doctor.diagnostics.prenatal +%NEWS-I-NEWGROUP, found new group alt.bah.sucks +%NEWS-I-NEWGROUP, found new group alt.insert.random.group.here +%NEWS-I-NEWGROUP, found new group alt.hoe.die.die.die +%NEWS-I-NEWGROUP, found new group bionet.chicken-sex +%NEWS-I-UPDATING, locating unread articles; please wait... + + 3 new articles in newsgroup alt.hoe + 5 new articles in newsgroup alt.angst.for.donuts + 645648 new articles in newsgroup alt.2600 + 6 new articles in newsgroup alt.fan.warez + 3 new articles in newsgroup misc.writing + 2 new articles in newsgroup alt.religion.rudabega + +News> group alt.hoe + +%NEWS-I-GRPSET, current newsgroup now alt.hoe +-NEWS-I-GRPINFO, articles [398,400], 3 unseen + +News> read + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.hoe article 398 of [398,400] (2 unseen) + +From: mogel@hoe.org (Mogel) +Subject: The Fate of HoE. +Organization: HoE Publications +Lines: 153 + + Okay, l0zERz. The news is official. HoE is DEAD. Deal with it. + + Yeah, it's ninety issues and and one year later. Looking back over the +last year it amazes me how much has changed around me since i started up this +stupid damn e'zine back in time. It hasn't just been the world - it's been +the changes in this 'zine, the computer people that i talk to, and of course +my _real_ life that have been so inconceivably drastic since the mark of +HoE's inception that it's almost too much to think about and reflect on. + + So I won't. + + The purpose of this post here is to inform you of a few things. It's +basically going to talk about the history of HoE and some of the +behind-the-scenes quirky things that have gone on, that should be put in here +before they are forgotten. We're also going to talk about what HoE is +completely about in the past and present. Finally, I'm going to give you all +the meaty gossip on why i'm killing HoE once and for all and what's in store +for me and the HoE-Team in moving onto a brighter day for the e'zine world. + + Of course, before any of this, there's people that have made my year in +the e'zine publishing "business" a lot more enjoyable. So, now here's a very +condensed list of some of the people that have made me extra happy relating +to HoE in the last year. Yes, I do gr33t people that have nothing to do with +HoE that i just lublub. If I forgot anyone that should have been included, +please harass me when you see me, or take credit for it with the gr33t to +"godd(+d)," so thanks for the existence and persistence of h0e (for better +or worse) go to: + + abigwar, acid warlock, alex swain, ascii express, basehead, beaner, + beck hansen, black francis, black sunshine, boogeyman, captain hook, + chal e. mac, change, charlie, chickenlord, corrosion, crank, cstone, + curious george, cyberelf, dark phiber, dash, dead cheese, death veggie, + defiant, demonika, disorder, dr. hate, drunkfux, edicius, eerie, epicac, + erikb, franken gibe, gausep00, godd(+d), guido sanchez, grayarea, + greg aubel, half-baked, im2k4u2c, inner logic, invalid media, invisible man, + i wish i were nathan, james hetfield, jason farnon, juliet, kamui, kaos, + killer wombat, kidknee, killgore trout, k0rrupt, k-spiff, lady carolyn, + lobo, logik, lucifuge, lucky, mad arab, mistawho, m0rpheus, mr. brownstone, + mr. sandman, murmur, neko, nitro187, nykia, nymph, obscure images, + pandemonium, panther modern, paradox, pale, phaedrus, pip the angry youth, + psycho santa, psychotic pyrotic, puck, rattle, ring master, rush 2, sage, + sinister sheep, spiff, scooter, scared poet, sed, shadow tao, slave, slater, + socrates, spooky, subzero, sunspot, swallow, syrinx, thalassocracy, + thanatos, the anarch, the chief, the gnn, the guest, the professor, + the raver, the stranger, u4ea, valgamon, velocity girl, violent femmes, + visioknight, voodoo child, vyrus, whisper, whoops, winona ryder, wiz of id, + x, xgirl, y-wind0ze, zippy, zorro. + + At any rate, you can't do anything but smirk in that i'm-so-cool way when +you look back upon the history and moronics of HoE. And, yes, believe me, I +do. + + When I was sitting on my BBS as a lowly t-file l0vin' sysop the idea +sprung to me of something rad I could do to basically kill a lot of time (I +was a lot less busy then). I decided for "the hell of it" to create a +"RAD!@#" t-file group. "I L0V CDC AND BLAH@!# I CAN BE JUST LIKE THEM!@#" +I thought. Note: at the time I only had up to cDc 100 and BLaH 20. Shrug. +At any rate, so HoE began. If you look back to everything from the attitude +to the headers, it's all a total BAD cDc rip. Ugh. It literally pains me to +read that old stuff. And of course, those anarchy texts weren't really what +I "wanted" for h0e way-back-when, but I dunno.. I wanted something "ayche +pee" at the time to be in the mag, and I knew that *SO* many cheesy t-files +had been written repeating the same information over and over again, and many +times it was even wrong info. Stupid, Stupid. So I took what I got, as lame +as it was. Yeah, sadly I can't turn back time, so there they are, HoE #3 and +#7, b0mbs and all. Heh. + + Already up to issue 11 in the releasing thing. I played the "h0e r00lz!@" +routine totally, but even then i knew it sucked. Why did I continue? I have +no idea. But then I ran into Abigwar and he posed an interest in HoE and +began writing. He was basically what kept h0e alive then, and he wrote many +of those files in the 20s and 30s. Many still give me a chuckle, like the +"Proof on the Questions!" file. For a time then I really began to dig HoE +and actually take a little pride in the 'zine. We had a buncha people that +"showed interest" and we were releasing wacky t-file after wacky t-file. It +was around this time that I starting calling places like DRU and /, well, not like that's hard to +do). Whateverthecase, one of the writers that I really respected, Corrosion, +yelled at me and was >THIS< close to quitting h0e. So I actually thought +about it and he was right. When people look back and read h0e it's all gonna +be a big buncha crap. No one's gonna give a fuck. So, at #45 we started +the new release-them-in-packs format which seems to have worked very nicely. +I put on a real quality control. I didn't release anything I didn't honestly +like anymore, and so, after that point HoE began producing some neat files. +I am actually proud of a few HoE files, which is really something for me. + + As my life changed, I moved to college, and Black Francis basically saved +HoE. He put up his board and continued supporting HoE as the WHQ and e'zines +in general by producing his rEd/pEz (which I wrote for). pEz is some amazing +stuff. Anyhoo, I owe so much to frannie I can't even begin to tell you. +When I'm a famous movie director, he will be getting monthly installments of +money. + + HoE #61-89 were pretty damn neat. Since HoE's inception the ideas that +have been building up in my head finally came out in one incredibly gratifying +writing spew which ultimately became my "mE t0o!@" file. The last HoE release +is on _such_ a different plane than when HoE started it blows my mind. + + "So why the hell are you giving HoE up, Moggie?!@" + + Well, to be honest, in my attempt to be different from cDc, I failed. +Anyway, HoE basically became "just like cDc except anyone could submit good +stuff to it and actually get it out in the same year." HoE wasn't exclusive. +"Isn't that enough difference??" Spiff asked me. No Spiff, evidently it's +not, since even after the last release, HoE _still_ wasn't pulling in a +number of writers that I wanted. I guess I expected writers too poof out of +no where magically. I think I had this phantasy that there was all this +untapped talent out there waiting to come out in cyber-g33x. Yes, I was +wrong. It takes a very special personality to be a continually productive +t-file guy. + + So, as sad as it is, it's all for the best that HoE dies. We just weren't +getting the attention. But, that's okay though. Why? Because I've only +just begun to fight. Seriously. HoE and pEz were just the first stepping +stones for us in the e'zine world. It was a "practice" if you will. + + All of our problems are being solved from this point forward, as very soon +you'll be seeing a brand new e'zine, with it's own original format. pEz/HoE +attitude intact, with a lot of style. The best part is the line up. We've +got all kinds of intelligent, productive guys, that are ready to write for the +new e'zine. + + + Black Francis - Mogel - James Hetfield - Eerie - Murmur - Shadow Tao + Neko - Sed - Thalassocracy - IM2K - Dead Cheese - Silver Jew + + ...and many more. + + We're not only going to change things a lot, but it's my goal to make cDc +eat their words. They _will_ phear Mogel. + + So, I bid you goodbye, and I'd like to say thanks to everyone that +supported us and stuff. + + You ain't seen nothin' yet. + + *sMEWCh!@*, + + Funk-Mastah Mogel + +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> next + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.hoe article 399 of [399,400] (1 unseen) + +From: jamesy@hoe.org (James Hetfield) +Subject: my sekrut phantasee! +Organization: l0ck wannabes +Lines: 37 + + Mohaha! Hey m0gel!@ you can't kiLl h0E!@# + + If only i was the the new autocrat of h0e! + + + + So, to start out as the NEW leader of h0e, I'll begin by changing +the name of the mag. h0e now stands for: + + HEFTY OLD ELEPHANTS!!!!!!!!!!1 + + And, to make things even better, I got RAD MAN of ACiD to draw +the NEW hoe MASCOT!!!! + _ + | | + | | + \ /--|__/ / + \ /----------| |- | + | __/ + \| |-------| | + | | | | + + + look at his long tail! HE HE HE + + Now that you know the new title of hoe and the new mascot, whose +name will forever be known as MOE the HOE elephant, it's time to get to +the more important business! h0e from now on will only be accepting +text files regarding the following items: + + - ararcy!!!! (Microwave bombs, killing old women, and so on!!!) + - hacking!!! any files about hacking!!! PREFERABLY ALL IN CAPS!!! + - ANY, i repeat, ANY SONG LYRICS!!!! HOPEFULLY METALLICA!!#@!@!@##!@ + - recepes for cookies!!! I love cookies!!! + - any XXX porn files!#@@!#@#!!@#!@# especially lesiban i love that + +- lamesy jamesy + +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> next + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.hoe article 400 of [400,400] (0 unseen) + +From: mogel@hoe.org (Mogel) +Subject: Oh! Those Interviews! +Organization: HoE Publications +Lines: 380 + + Oh. I just realized that since I'm done with HoE, and I have these extra +interview t-files floating around from back in HoE #70, I should post them +here for you all to see. I nabbed a bunch of people I couldn't interview in +the past, including these elites: + + alex swain, grayarea, y-w1nd0ze, erikb, and u4ea. + + Go me. + + +=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=----=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---= +| Alex Swain, of the 'zine Whatever Ramblings | +=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=----=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---= + + +1] How the poop did you ever originally get such a spiffy god-damned handle? + + Well I don't really use handles/aliases anymore but I've been around a +long time and have had several handles in that time. I think my first handle +was Major Havoc which I got from the vector-graphic Atari game. I used that +for probably two or three years sometime around 1983-1985 or so. Then in +1986 I changed my alias to Ares (after the Greek god of war) and used that +pretty consistently on boards and on the Net/Telnet (such as Altos Germany) +until about 1988. In 1988 I was busted for various things and dropped out of +computers altogether. Then about a year ago I got back onto the Net and +started using the alias t3 which I got because I was writing an article on +backbones at the time. I've never really given a shit about aliases but try +not to change them because it just gets confusing. + +2] How old were you and what was it that got you into this whole shin-dig? + + I'm not sure if you mean zines or computers...I got my first modem when I +was eleven (i'm 22 now) and spent most of my younger years on bbs's racking +up major phone bills because I thought everything within my own area code was +local. I've been consistently using computers for a long time and have done +just a little bit of everything including programming and various +questionable activities. I got into zines in 1987 when I did a really weak +small skate zine called Habit which I must have made 30 copies of and gave +away to all the skaters I could find. From there it just progressed and I +started Whatever Ramblings in the summer of 1989 which I'm still doing more +or less. About a year ago I got into E-Zines and E-Print zines (I called +E-Print zines publications that are in print as well as electronic) and +basically just ftp all the files to my archive site in Michigan. + +3] Why do you continue doing such socially IMPORTANT work? + + Well I question how IMPORTANT my work is. I like writing alot and about +anything. I'm still trying to get a grasp of exactly how to write so I end +up experimenting alot with styles and ideas. + +4] Do you have a life? If so, what are some real world interests of yours? + + Well in my definition I don't really have a life. Unfortunately my +definition is derived from society which has such ideals as a 40-hour work +week and a daily schedule, two things I do not have. If you mean do I have a +life in a "do you do anything but sit in front of a computer?" sense then +yes. I went to music school and play guitar about four hours a day as well +as read alot and play with my orange tabby named Sunkist. Every once in a +while I go to a punk show or go drinking with my pals. I also do alot of +travelling which is pretty obvious in my writings. + +5] What person in the world is the /<-RaDDeZT eleet guy dat makes you happy? + + Well |<-rad sort of conjures up a bad memory for me, mostly warez-kiddies +from AE boards in the mid 80's. But I see what you're gettin' at. I'd say +my friend Ace Backwards is pretty "eleet" in my definition. He's an +underground comic artist that has been consistently putting out good strips +for over ten years now. He's very productive and generally succeeds me in +producing material which is surprising because sometimes I put out a zine +twice a month. And yes, he makes me happy too.. + +6] Who is the most ANNOYING person you have ever known? oh, and WHY... + + Hmm the most annoying person. Well I can probably name ten but the one +that comes to mind is this girl Erin that me and my friend Fu met crossing +country a couple of years ago. Its a really long story but essentially she +was this rich girl from Texas that we met in New Orleans and we were really +broke and she was filthy rich and she promised us all this money and riches +if we came to visit her in Arlington so we drove up there and she flaked on +us in a big way and one thing led to another and we ended up in jail. The +whole situation was annoying but I guess I'd say that she was the biggest +cuntrag i've ever had to deal with. + +7] What direction do you see your zine heading in? (this one begs for jokes) + + Well i'm not really sure. My main zine Whatever Ramblings is on hold +right now because I became disillusioned with the whole zine world and had to +do something new. I suppose I'd say that WR is probably already where it'll +be forever. The last few issues have been distributed worldwide and it has a +small but devout readership which never really gets bigger or smaller unless +some big magazine like Sassy or some other shit tells a million 17 year olds +that zines are cool, in which situation I usually sell about a hundred more +each issue. My new E-Print zine Red Dye Number Five which is mainly +compilations of stories is just beginning but I think it may do well assuming +that I can get the same distro as WR has. + +8] Toilet Paper - Folded or Crumpled? + + I think thats a pretty unconscious decision like maybe determined by genes +or something. I'm not methodical or patient enough to fold toilet paper to +merely wipe my ass which implies that I just crumple it up. + +9] If you were to die tomorrow and wanted to leave one quote that everyone + would remember you by, what would that be? + + Well if I died tomorrow..hmm..Probably something like, "Okay, I'm dead now +so buy my zine already." + +10] What would be the first thing that came to your mind when I say "zine"? + + I think years ago i'd say "obscurity," now I guess now i'd say "trendy". + + +=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=----=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---= +| Grayarea, of the 'zine Grayareas | +=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=----=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---= + + +1] How the poop did you ever originally get such a spiffy god-damned handle? + + i got my handle from the name of the magazine, gray areas. it was an +attempt to be honest and stuff about who i am. bad move. if i had it to do +over again, i'd have lied to everyone. they mostly all lied to me :) + +2] How old were you and what was it that got you into this whole shin-dig? + + i got into the scene in the early 1970s when i was in high school. i used +a calling card number found in a yippie zine and got caught by the operator. +my cousin agreed to pay for the call and that ended my career as a phreak. i +got into the scene again when i bought an IBM clone in 1991. i got REALLY +into the scene after i started Gray Areas. + +3] Why do you continue doing such socially IMPORTANT work? + + why do i stay? some of the people i have met make it worth it. but it's a +question i have to ask myself again and again as what passes for hacking is +often stalking, sexual harassment and slander/libel. + +4] Do you have a life? If so, what are some real world interests of yours? + + my real world interests include video games, movies, cats, sushi, travel +to meet the hackers who appeal to me, reading, concerts and late night +conversations. + +5] What person in the world is the /<-RaDDeZT eleet guy dat makes you happy? + + what person makes me the happiest? no one person can fill all of my +needs. but the hacker you are asking about knows who he is and doesn't need +me to tell u. :) + +6] Who is the most ANNOYING person you have ever known? oh, and WHY... + + i am quite sure i have not met the world's most annoying person yet. i +know they will wake me up sometime soon though :) + +7] What direction do you see your zine heading in? (this one begs for jokes) + + Gray Areas will probably keep adding more and more pages as more and more +people come forward to express their two cents. We print all points of view +and new things become legal/illegal all the time so we'll never lack for +material. I hope to get around to putting up a web page later this year. + +8] Toilet Paper - Folded or Crumpled? + + toilet paper can be either folded or crumpled as long as it's Northern +brand. + +9] If you were to die tomorrow and wanted to leave one quote that everyone + would remember you by, what would that be? + + i'd ideally like to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in a specific +spot in San Francisco, but failing that since only one person knows where +that spot is, i'd like my tombstone to say "Don't judge me too harshly." In +case you're wondering, that's what Brian Jones' (of the Rolling Stones) says +on it... I also hope i die rich enough to leave $2500 for my friends to have +a party with like Janis Joplin did. The courts were never able to resolve who +her friends were and the party never happened :) + +10] What would be the first thing that came to your mind when I say "zine"? + + The first thing that comes to my mind when i hear the word zine is some +fool mispronouncing it "z-eye-ne." it's zine as in rhymes with scene. Zines +are publications which print under 100,000 copies. They are almost always +operated at a financial loss and they usually are published late. Most fail. +A few grow and give the rest hope they may someday crawl out of the lobster +pot. + + +=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=----=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---= +| U4EA, of the 'zine BoW | +=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=----=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---= + + +1) How the poop did you ever originally get such a spiffy god-damned handle? + + My original handle was Abysmal Euphoria which was then shortened to U4EA +once i found the wonderful little world of irc. Abysmal Euphoria was also +the name of the band i was in at the time, i didnt realize there was a mod +writer from the UK with a similar handle at the time. ie: U4ia. I get alot +of confused people asking me if i write mods and stuff. Oh well, I've had +alot of handles over the years but the one that has really stuck is U4EA. + +2) How old were you and what was it that got you into this whole shin-dig? + + I was 14 when i got my 1st computer, a commodore vic 20.. + +3) Why do you continue doing such socially IMPORTANT work? + + Im an environmentally conscious guy, what can i say??! + +4) Do you have a life? If so, what are some real world interests of yours? + + I have a pretty active life i would say, i do alot of skiing in the +winter, I also enjoy music alot, i've played in several bands over the +years and actively write both music and poetry all the time. My main +interest right now is hanging out with my gf and just enjoying life... + +5) What person in the world is the /<-RaDDeZT eleet guy dat makes you happy? + + SN is my lord and master. + +6) Who is the most ANNOYING person you have ever known? oh, and WHY... + + Snoop Doggy Dog and those that listen to that style of music... + +7) What direction do you see your zine heading in? (this one begs for jokes) + + my zine no longer exists, dont know if i'll write another issue of BoW, +can't see it happening for awhile, i have too many other projects on the go. + +8) Toilet Paper - Folded or Crumpled? + + as long as its soft and doesnt rip the hell out of my anus i dont care. + +9) If you were to die tomorrow and wanted to leave one quote that everyone + would remember you by, what would that be? + + /signoff you all suck + +10) What would be the first thing that came to your mind when I say "zine"? + + v0mit. + + +=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=----=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---= +| Y-WINDoZE, of the 'zine PuD | +=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=----=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---= + + + aRGH@#!@#!@!1 As much as I love y, i tried forever to get him to fill out +this survey file. _finally_ i got him to agree to answer the questions on +IRC and i'd log it all. well, guess what? MY l0G FILE G0T K0RRUPTED!@#!@1 +aRGh@#@!!1 + + So, I got this little tiny sliver of the interview that i recovered. I +would make an attempt to relay the answers that i remembered, but i'd feel +pretty lame not taking exact words, so sorry. + + HMPH. + + do you have a life? if so what are your real-world interests? + + uhm at the present time, I do nothing, I hang around with friends and talk + about women. i like bball a lot. + + Toilet Paper - Folded or Crumpled? + + FOLDED@#$ + FOLDED@#$ + FOLDED@#$ + + If you were to die tomorrow and wanted to leave one quote that + everyone would remember you by, what would that be? + + "Some days Im like God, and others, I'm just better." + + how about with hax0ring? + + I didnt do it. + + how did you start up pud? + + uhm me and NoCourier were at a friends house drunk off ou rasses on pga + one night when we wrote the first ever *unreleased* issue + + where is no courier now? + + last I heard going to cali with his bands, prolly in jail + + who is exactly "da pud crew"? + + uhm lets see. there is I, bpahomet, hymie, no courier, dsaint and + squinky are the main du0udz + + What would be the first thing that came to your mind when I say + "zine"? + + Stupid art fags with too much free time + + +=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=----=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---= +| Erikb, of the 'zine Phrack | +=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=----=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---= + + +1) How the poop did you ever originally get such a spiffy god-damned handle? + + I was reading a book on vikings a long time ago and liked the whole +Erik Bloodaxe story. Besides, everyone needs a handle, and my first +name is Erik. + +2) How old were you and what was it that got you into this whole shin-dig? + + I was very young. I was even younger when I got into the whole undergound +thing. I was 11 when I broke into my first computer. + + What got me into all this? Too much spare time. + +3) Why do you continue doing such socially IMPORTANT work? + + Ego. + +4) Do you have a life? If so, what are some real world interests of yours? + + I have no life. My existence revolves around the computer world. However, +the few distractions that rip me from the clutches of my evil terminal +addiction are: + + sex + drugs + 70's music + all kinds of weird frequencies (dc to daylight, by god if its passing + through my body, its mine to demodulate) + travel + money + +5) What person in the world is the /<-RaDDeZT eleet guy dat makes you happy? + + Chris Goggans + +6) Who is the most ANNOYING person you have ever known? oh, and WHY... + + Everybody annoys me...so I can't really narrow it down to one single +person who would qualify as "the most annoying." + + People who drive like shit annoy me. + People who bug me for things annoy me. + People who ask when the next issue of Phrack is coming out annoy me. + People who dig around in my room annoy me. + People who play music too loud during the middle of the day annoy me. + People like you annoy me. + +7) What direction do you see your zine heading in? (this one begs for jokes) + + I see Phrack heading on a crash course straight into the sun. + + or + + I see Phrack becoming a slick glossy full-color magazine backed by money +from Mitch Kapor. We'll focus on hot topics of interest to the "in-crowd" +and treat them with a high level of journalistic integrity. We'll take Kai's +Power Tools and stretch it to a whole new level of utilization. We'll take +the whole style and format of International Design magazine and claim it as +out own. We'll be the #1 benchmark for "HIP" in the 90's. We will rule +above all others. + +8) Toilet Paper - Folded or Crumpled? + + Folded & Crumpled ... it depends upon the consistency of the stool. + +9) If you were to die tomorrow and wanted to leave one quote that everyone + would remember you by, what would that be? + + Yeah, I fucked her. + +10) What would be the first thing that came to your mind when I say "zine"? + + Mine is cooler. + +-eof +______________________________________________________________________________ + +News> group alt.angst.for.donuts + +%NEWS-I-GRPSET, current newsgroup now alt.angst.for.donuts +-NEWS-I-GRPINFO, articles [567,570], 4 unseen + +News> read + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.angst.for.donuts article 567 of [567,570] (3 unseen) + +From: corrosion@hoe.org (Corrosion) +Subject: don't read this +Organization: NKOTB Preservation Society +Lines: 26 + +This will not apply to you. This is not a personal attack. This is just my +view. + +An open letter to the majority of America's youth: + +My opinion means nothing. Yours means even less. In your striving to be so +different, so original, you have created a mockery, and sadly a trend. Your +Cobain haircuts stand together in a sea of conformity. Not conformity to the +quo, but conformity to each other. The ideals that started the genre are +lost in your shallow voices. Your new shirts of the bands that play your +music cling to your flannel. But you've had the shirt you're wearing for a +while now, and I'm wrong. The music that spits out band after band of +packaged rebellion, that plants a 3 minute hummable hook so deep into your +cheek that you believe it to be your own. Your petty aggression puked out in +a 4 chord progression repeated into infinity. Being fed the same baby food +by the corporate industry that keeps you shut out from the world around you. +But you've had a bad day and your girlfriend is bitching at you for not +getting Nine Inch Nails tickets. The music industry is a conglomerate whore, +and you my friend are it's best customer. This trend feeds on the struggle +to be different and unique by offering you the same bubble gum rewrapped in +ugly paper, what it thinks you can identify with. The vehicle is the same +though, the lifestyle is pounded into your head over and over, the radio, +MTV, and magazines all spoon feeding you what you WILL like. Change the +channel, switch the station, turn the TV off. + + -Corrosion +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> next + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.angst.for.donuts article 568 of [568,570] (2 unseen) + +From: cstone@free.org (Stone) +Subject: you people are morons@!#! +Organization: BAH (Yes, we _know_ that we suck!) +Lines: 39 + +the disease of many is ignorance and stupidity. + +people today are having unprotected sex for some lame reason like "it doesn't +feel good" or "i don't want my penis to look discolored". those aren't +reasons. a reason is something like "i want to get herpes and then go on a +crusade to start a pandemic". i would acknowledge that as a good reason. + +you see, people bitch about how computer privacy is being invaded. well, +quit fucking BITCHING about it and find another way to keep your kidporn +pictures private. there's many ways. + +people are stupid enough to follow other stupid people with the same +stupidity disease, and those people just follow other stupid people, so, +when you get down to it, you have a bunch of herpes-infected stupid people +sitting in a circle fucking each other with no condoms. and the circle +repeats itself. + +and the kids born from stupid people fucking each other with herpes and no +condoms are even stupider than their parents. so, we get stupid kids +thinking its cool to have red, blistering sores on their father's penis, +so we get kids that think it's uncool to cover it up with a condom. and the +stupidity disease perpetuates itself again, until everyone in america has +herpes except those people who aren't infected by the stupidity disease +dies out, and the world is named after Kennedy of MTV. + +many people infected with the stupidity disease listen to rap. they like it +because it repeatedly deals with rape and having unprotected sex. they like +this. they also like it because they can't understand the lyrics, and that +means none of their stupid friends could either, so they can't look stupid +next to them. that's cool also. + +people infected with the disease drink and do drugs so it'll make them even +stupider. they do it because their stupid friends do it, and because +there's no guilt in having unprotected sex when you're stoned off your ass. + +lots of people infected with the stupidity disease join gangs, because they +can get money, guns, sex, drugs, and liquor for free!!@!@#@#$%#$ this +is like a god for them. + +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> next + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.angst.for.donuts article 569 of [569,570] (1 unseen) + +From: sedative@escape.com (Sed) +Subject: Angry Peace +Organization: The Angst Empire +Lines: 118 + + Everywhere I look, I see bullshit. In this whole world, everyone is +bending over backwards to impress each other. Everyone is trying to be +something they're not, so they can become something they're not. + + Recently I had the unfortunate experience of doing short term work at an +office. The whole office setting has probably turned me off from ever doing +white collar work forever. This is supposed to be the creme de la creme, +where you go once you graduate from your ivy league university and are +groomed by a big faceless multi-national corporation, but it was pure misery. +You had people who were at each other's necks, were severely overworked and +constantly appeared "busy" for the boss, who appeared more interested in +after-hours activities with the secretary then filing out the forms. And +this is what every kid is set to be by his mom - in a nice office with a +comfy view of the city from the 60th floor. But all of it was the same +bullshit you'll find working in a burger king, a library, or wherever. + + People just fed up with each other and near-despair, yet hanging onto the +jobs because for better or worse the jobs are all they have to define them. +They spent their high school years studying when they could've been partying, +joining clubs they had contempt for so they could get into a good college so +mom and dad won't call them a failure. Then once in university, they deny +themselves any pleasure and make themselves slaves to work and studying so +they can get a good resume. Finally, they end up with a decent position in a +corporation - but then what? + + You aren't happy, home life is a wreck, your day is split between a +computer, your car commuting home, and a bed where you sleep and that's it. +What a crock. I, for one, would rather be a unemployed freelance writer +speaking my thoughts, surviving on brand-x doritos in a studio apartment, +yet happy with myself, then be making 80,000 plus dollars a year in a +corporation where I'm nothing more then a human database. Bah. _I'll_ +define my job, not let my job define me. + + Heh. Figures I'd have hate for everything, huh? Well, it's with good +reason. For every day since I was born, my whole life has alternated between +rage, despair and alienation. Sometimes I just tried to hold everything in +so I wouldn't become a freak and then it all just backfired. I took such +shit at day camp. I was afraid to fight back. Then one day, all the rage +inside of me just exploded - I just had this urge to do something that had an +effect - to break out of this little prison. I was literally exploding. I +went over to this kid who I never met before in my life and pushed him into a +four foot pool. And he was maybe 4'3" and had a hard time swimming. This +was when I was seven. I got expelled from camp for that. At camp I was beat +up every fucking day cause I didn't fit in. I was too tall, too fat, too +nerdy, too much of a speech impediment, I was just this stupid misfit kid who +earned the wrath of a entire camp. So finally I exploded and it collapsed on +me. + + Another time was when I was twelve years old. I was in school, again I +was taking lots of shit from people. So when I couldn't stand it anymore, I +exploded. I was in the principals office with another kid I was arguing +with, and suddenly (it was just like a urge, or inspiration, I'm still not +sure what) I just shoved him to the floor. Then I punched him in the face. +I couldn't believe what happened. Twelve years of shit, feces and anger +exploded in 30 seconds of bottled violence. I got expelled from school. + + At home, situation was no better. My parents were just soulless piles of +fat who sheltered me. They were grooming me to grow up to be a good little +doctor, lawyer, or whatever a nice middle-class jewish suburban kid should +grow up to be. They sheltered me as a kid, gave me a circle of friends who +were all lobotomized zombies, who resigned to their fate of future-yuppiedom +who I could not stand. They never let me out of the house unless I was with +an adult, not even to walk outside. I started a conversation when I was like +four with some kid across the street, I was dragged away being told "not to +talk to strangers." + + This went on until school started. Then in kindergarten I was all fucked +up. My parents deprived me of fucking social skills and left me for the +kill. And then what? THEY DIDN'T GIVE A FUCKING SHIT! They told me it was +because the other kids were jealous of me. Ha, right. They were too afraid +to admit they bred a frankenstein. When she spread her legs, she spawned a +pile of shit. Shit that every time it showed a glimmer of potential was +crushed under the boots of everyone else. Probably the only saving grace, +that without I definitely would have become a druggie, suicide victim, or run +away from home was music, specifically the punk rock scene. When your 13, +just beginning to question the answers, you look like a jock yet your a freak +inside. Then, I discovered real music. Not crap like _Nirvana_ or _Guns and +Roses_, who fed on exploiting kids feelings and diverting their rebellion into +arena rock tours and double albums. People who actually were in the same +situation as you, angry as fuck, and fed up with the situation. It gave me +something to live for. And now, today, punk has gone commercial. Everyone +is buying into it. punk is becoming the 90's equivalent of hair metal. A +music stripped of its potential, just a vehicle for adolescent death and +destruction fantasies. Fuck, it ain't worth it. + + I break myself. I like to destroy my body. That mess of skin, bones and +nerves is nothing more then fodder for bullshit. I look like a fucking jock. +As soon as puberty hit, I went from a fat, lisping, tall nerd to a beer- +bellied, mumbling, "too-goddamn-tall" freak. I needed to break things, to +destroy myself and others. For the first time in my goddamn life, I had +power over stuff. And I abused it. I beat up everyone I didn't like. I +shoved every drug I could find down every orifice in my body. I pierced +things with the urge just to differentiate myself from every other loser. I +ended up like a goddamn jigsaw puzzle. I was cut up. Fuck that. + + On the news right now is a report on graffiti. Mayor guliani is +participating in the cleaning up of graffiti. he is calling it vandalism. +Bullshit. One more example of the buergoise exercising their iron fist over +the poor. A can of spray paint is all some people have to mourn a dead +friend, or to express their feelings. Like it or not, not everyone can +afford a mausoleum, or have the skills to write a poem. To some people, this +is the art of the cities. It's the spirit of the city reclaiming the cold +bullshit, the graffiti causing a kind of organic web unifying the city. +Graffiti gives the streets a image. Something more then a collection of +buildings, it is impossible to put into words. To stop graffiti, they are +distributing "Captain Graffiti" coloring books. What a damn-great idea! +Give the kids coloring books and suddenly the big bad "nigger 'n spic" art +will go bye bye Mr. Urban Planner! Now all we need is Captain Gang Warfare, +Captain Poverty, Captain Drug Abuse, Captain No Hope For a Job, Captain +Racism and we'll have a perfect world for sure. Uhh, I don't think so. + + Speaking of solving non-problems through half-assed ideas, I can't believe +how close minded a good amount of people are. I have gotten way too many +insults hurled my way because I dyed my hair green last week. I've been +shouted at "PUKE-HAIR!" by people across the street, the "G" in my summer +school biology class spent his time laughing his ass off at it, I got a beer +bottle thrown at me because of it. Bullshit. You don't fit in, society puts +pressure on you to fit in. Goddamn wrong. Let me be. + + __ __ _ +| | | \ every generation had there chance, now its our turn -SFA +|__ |__ | | let theory of the anger be the power -The Clash + | | | | Freedom of speech is a FREEDOM, not a priveledge. Please tell + __| |__ |_/ Jesse Helms & James Exon that before we're all gagged. + flat earth society BBS - 718.698.7865 All the texts around & then some +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> next + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.angst.for.donuts article 570 of [570,570] (0 unseen) + +From: chris@iquest.com (Y-WINDoZE) +Subject: Re: Angry Peace +Organization: Pizza Underground Digest +Lines: 63 + +Sed> insults hurled my way because I dyed my hair green last week. I've been +Sed> shouted at "PUKE-HAIR!" by people across the street, the "G" in my +Sed> summer school biology class spent his time laughing his ass off at it, I +Sed> got a beer bottle thrown at me because of it. Bullshit. You don't fit +Sed> in, society puts pressure on you to fit in. Goddamn wrong. Let me be. + + "y0!@# Fuck you. Fuck everything you stand for. Fuck your mom, + your cat, and your god. I hate you. You're trash. You're pathetic. + I hate you. I hate you!@ I HatE y0U!@#" + + Quite boring, eh? I would tend to agree. The sad part is the above +represents the supposed views and opinions being expressed by most "e'zine" +writers these days. The simple fact is angst will always be in and as long as +you sit there and worship the talentless hacks who write it you will be +subjected to it. Time and time again you will be forced to read how pathetic +you are, how angry the writer is, how at error the whole damn world is. Is +that what you really want? + + Text has always been a place where angry views were expressed. The problem +with it in current times is that the views being expressed are quite simply +shallow and misguided. These views tend to be expressed by 16 year old middle +class high school rejects. These are the same kids who 10 years ago bid their +time until college where they could shine and trounce those who had spurned +them. Today, they don't have that escape since everyone goes to college and +thanks to modern things like computers you don't even need much knowledge to +do what was once a difficult task. Instead these poor souls turn to writing. + + Writing with power and writing with angst are different. Yet in many ways +they are the same. Both carry strong convictions and invoke powerful feelings +in the reader. However writings with angst doesn't balance feelings with +reality. They are pure emotions written down solely for the purpose of +lashing out and hurting all those who have hurt the writer. This process +isn't productive for the writer; especially when people read it and confuse +with deep powerful writing. + + Angst in itself isn't a bad tool to have when writing. In fact it can be +quite beneficial in a number of ways. First it does give you power and +feelings when there may not be any to begin with. Second anger tends to focus +one, granted this focus is generally misguided but with proper patience it +can be wielded the correct way. Using angst in writing is just like using any +other tool, it must be used correctly and in most cases sparingly. Oversue of +angst leads to boring, pedantic texts that hold little true meaning and +quickly fade away from the reader's mind. + + Powerful writing on the other hand isn't one singularity. It is a collage +of all one's skills, talents and beliefs so well thought out and planned that +it conveys emotions and feelings to the reader that no picture or sound will +ever achieve. "How do I write powerful moving images?" you may wonder. That +is where I become of little help for I write only for myself and much of what +I write is angst ridden, boring, pedantic, shallow, misguided, and so many +more negative things it would take me days to list. But I have an advantage. +I know my writings are bad in all these ways and everytime I sit down to vent +anger I get a little better in shadowing, tucking it away, making the reader +have to peer just a little to see. + + One day I am confident I will be able to write as powerful as I want, so +powerful that I could achieve anything with a single paragraph but even if +that day never comes at least I know I didn't waste all my time saying the +same thing everyday to please some finicky, band-wagon jumping audience. + +[Note the angst] + +alrighty then, y + +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> group alt.2600 + +%NEWS-I-GRPSET, current newsgroup now alt.2600 +-NEWS-I-GRPINFO, articles [308562,954210], 645648 unseen + +News> read + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.2600 article 308562 of [308562,954210] (645647 unseen) + +From: squinky@pud.org (sQuinky) +Subject: The True story of Emmanuelle Goldstein and Erik Corley +Organization: Pizza Underground Digest +Lines: 232 + + _______________________________ + | The True story | + | of Emmanuelle Goldstein | + | and Erik Corley | + | | + | compiled by, -sQuinky- | + |_____________________________| + +Foreward: + +Emmanuelle Goldstein, after retiring from his/her career as a successful +Italian Porno Queen of movie, Television and more, came to the states to +start up HaKkur phreedom. GRRRRRRRR#@! WE ARE HACKERS WE DO NOTHING WRONG +GRRRRRR#@! STOP PERSECUTING US#!@ GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR#@!@!$ + + HACKER ANGST#@! GGGGGGRRRRRRRR#@! + +He startd up the fine organization known as 2600 magazine, named after the +famous Atari system. Emmanuelle was a great fan of Asteroids and Space +Invaders. + +A few years after all this, Emmanuelle met up with erik COrLey. After a +period of friendship, their relationship became something more. + +Escape#! ESCAPE#@! ESCAPE INTO EMMANUELLE'S ANAL PASSAGE#@! + +Soon.... SOoon. Erik Corely made the ESCAPE into the land of Chocolate love +and Milk Shakes. Emmanuelle was used to that, as he/she had stared in the +thousands of Italian prono books/movies/andwhatnot.(See :"Emmanuelle +Goldstein's Amazon Adventure"), and had already gotten used to Fudgy Fun and +Protein Diets. + +THe following are letters from Erik Corely and Emmanuelle Goldstein to 17 +magazine, written under aliases of course. + +Erik Corley == Help me Escape from all this +Emmanulle GOldstein == 2600 Publisher + +End of Forward. + +Beginning of Body: + +-------------------------------------- + +dEar 17 mAGAZINe, + +I have recently started a relationship with a older, more experienced man. +It has quickly moved it sex, and other things. Unfortunately, I am not sure +about some things that my other wants to do. He has perverse desires to stick +Atari 2600 controllers up my ass, and use my body to play SUPER PONG 2000: +THE NEXT GENERATION, and Space Invaders. He also wants to put on a glove, +shove his fist down my throat, and them make me smell it. + +Are these things OK? + + Sincerley Yours, + Help Me escape from all this + +Dear Help Me escape from all this, + +While it may seem to you that these, and probably other, sex accts are +abnormal we here at 17 Magazine feel that they are completely, and 100% ok. +We personally don't see anything wrong with some electronic sex. + +-------------------------------------- + +DEar 17 Magazine: + +As of late, my younger, and less experienced lover has started to ask me to +masturbate along side of him. While I enjoy masturbation, I feel it should be +done in private, and kept to oneself. It is a very personal thing, and I +don't see why he wants to watch my masturbate. + +Also, he wants me to do this while I am out trying to save the innocent +hakkurs from the big bad oppresive government. + +What Should I do? + SIncerly Yours, + 2600 Publisher + +Dear 2600, + +Try to explain to your young lover that you are not comfortable with this. If +he persists in his demands on you, stick a 2600 joystick up his ass and play +SUPER PONG 2000: THE NEXT GENERATION and Space Invaders. + +-------------------------------------- + +Dear 17 Magazine: + +Recently, I have been having problems with my older boyfriend. While I love +him, and would do just about anything for him, he is starting to put weird +demands on me. + +A few weeks ago, he asked me to piss in a tub, and then jerk off while he +drinks it up. + +YEsterday, he asked me if I wanted to dress up with him like members of +Milli Vanilli, and Lipsync at a queer talent show. + +Today, he told me he was going to paint my penis red, so I wouldn't notice +the blood. + +(this is really upsetting to me, because there is nothing I like better than +watching his anus bleed as my huge, thick, turgent man-shaft penetrates his +little puckered opening.) + +What should I do? + + Sincerley, + Help me escape from all this + +Dear Escape, + +WHy not go along with these things? All relationships must develop some level +of kinkiness. Dr. Joyce Brothers has informed us that these are in fact +normal experiences, of all couples. In fact, she says, 50% of all +relationships has similiar, if not the same experiences that you and your +lover have. So, Pee in the tub, Dress up like Milli Vanilli, and Paint your +penis red. + +-------------------------------------- + +Dear 17 Magazine, + +Yesterday, while my lover and I were both jerking off into a glass, so we +could have something to drink with our turkey dinner, something strange +happened. + +My lover told me that he and I should go out and rape some little kids, and +then kill them, and then fuck them again. + +I have no real problems with this, but am worried about getting caught. I +mean if we get caught, can we really go to jail for this? + +(And would going to jail be all that of a bad thing, considering the stories +of anal love, for me?) + +Do you have any advice to avoid capture? + + Sincerly YOurs, + 2600 Editor + +Dear 2600, + +Here is some advice from our resident Child Molester, Mike labbe. + +1. Do not get caught. +2. Always go after the children who are loners. +3. When Dumping the bodies, make sure you first remove all the childrens +teeth, cut off their fingers, and horribly mutilate their faces. + +-------------------------------------- + +Dear 17 magazine, + +My significant Other has recently found a new sex toy. + +A dent puller. + +I personally love the toy, as it is *GREAT* *ESTATIC* fun to have that big +piece of metal show in your puckered asshole, and feel the pull of the love. +My other loves the feel of the hard metal of love too. + +However, as of today, I am starting to feel a discomforting feeling. I feel +it is due to the dent puller, can you please help me in discovering some +rememdy, or precaution against this feeling. While any feeling in the anus +is pleasent, this feeling is almost annoying, in that it makes me long for +the dent puller, or any object, and I can not very well shove a dildo up my +ass at work. + +(at least, while I'm not on break) + + Sincerley, + Help me escape from all this + +Dear Help, + +One can often alievate the symptoms of dent puller love by using Vasoline +intesive care. + +To *PREVENT* the symptoms, you can tke obvious, and definately less fun +choice of not pulling your anus. + +For less effective prevention, try getting rid of the rust on the dent +puller, before you pull your anus. + +-------------------------------------- + +Dear 17, + +Recently, my lover and I have been hanging out with a few new kids on the +block. They go by the names of : BEANIE and X. + +Let me tell you a little bit about them: + +BEANIE has been arrested for public drunkness, and telling a police officer +to "MAKE MY DAY, YOU FAT GREASY PIG". Beanie also: no longer has a car or +cool women. Beanie also got beat up by a Wildcat Sysop. BEANIE also demanded +that some issues of PuD be re-released, with his brand gnu handle : +NO COURiER put in place of his real, and father-given Name. + +X is a rough n tumble d0ud who will beat up people who hit on his girlfriend. +Consequently, X is a rough n tumble d0ud who gets his ass thrown into boot +camp. He is probably going to kick my ass for writing this letter. I will +probably have to blow him to make things better. + + Sincerly Yours, + Emanuel... uh shit.. How do + I edit stuff with VI? + uh.. uh.. 2600 Editor + +Dear Emanuel... uh shit.. how do I edit stuff with VI? uh.. uh.. 2600 editor + +I have no real opinion of X. Not every one can get busted for beating the +crap out of some guy over a big fat hispanic momma named "Lolita", so you +might want to stay friends with him, if for nothing else, amusement purposes. + +This beanie character sounds like real trouble, and you should probably stay +away from him. Anyone who gets HIS ASS KICKED BY A WILDCAT SYSOP is trouble. + +-------------------------------------- + +D0UDS I have read 17 magazine for the past few months, and compiled all these +letters for an ex-po-se. + +What have we learned from all this? + +Emanuelle Goldstein should have stuck to the Italien porn industry, and that +I can write shit about people I don't even know. + +KEEP THE WAREZ ALIVE: CIRCULATE THE BOXES ISSUE OF PHRACK +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> last!@#@!@#!@#!!1 + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.2600 article 954210 of [954210,954210] (645645 unseen) + +From: NO-AMA@ninja.org (U4EA) +Subject: "EZ HaqN" +Organization: Br0therh0od of WaReZ +Lines: 111 + +[First Verse] + +Mah name is U4EA, mah skriptz R kewl +Cum 2 mah office and I'll show ya mah tool... + +Gotta get da newbies, they all insane +God gave me uh gift, so I can fuck with their brain... + +'gotta 3 inch floppy, but I wish it was hard +Fire up mah email so I can flame that 'tard... + +But Relay Chat gotta be mah favourite game +I steal that nick, I slander that name... + +[Chorus] + +'cause I'm da biggest hacker, don'tcha mess with me +I can get rewt... gimmy bash, perl, and C... + +[Second Verse] + +Yeah, I'm da shit who started the net +TCP/IP... heh, I wrote it on a bet... + +'cause I'm the main man, your momma's mah skeeze +with one little command, your sister's on her knees... + +>From Netcum 2 Hong Kong, MCI 2 MIT +'have rewt on 'em all... I broke security... + +Mark mah words, and tremble with fear +When I'm finished with mah hacking, you'll be left in tearz... + +[Chorus] + +'cause I'm da biggest hacker, don'tcha mess with me +My werd iz the rule, from netnews 2 I R C... + +[Third Verse] + +You have SATAN, hah, Dan Farmer's a loon +I wrote that shit, took me one afternoon... + +Takeover on mah channel, and I dunno the key +I'll just nook your fuckin' ass with an ICMP... + +Da girls on da net, they all a buncha ho's +'cept 4 mah girlfriends, they know how it goes... + +Jus' some respect, it's easy yah see +I'll give ya some if ya give me some, +just get in bed with me... + +[Chorus] + +I'm da biggest hacker, don'tcha mess with me +I'll rock yer wurld from here 2 D.C.... + +[Fourth Verse] + +Look at da laymah, he's such a dickwad +Don't bother me now, I'm on a mission from God... + +Incorrect login?!!? Hey, what the fuck? +I'll show that admin whose dick he can suck... + +Oh, hell, just a second, dat's all it'll take +I'll hack in again, and let da hard disks rake... + +Knock knock! What, the feds at the door? +Hell, no, another skeezer to score... + +[Chorus] + +'cause I'm da biggest hacker, don'tcha mess with me +I'll hack yer mailbox, post it so all can see... + +[Fifth Verse] + +Look at this luser, a newbie at the helm +Just a quick little mailbomb, fuck her up with elm... + +Drop by channel #talk, give 'em all whiplash +I'll give 'em a taste of mah UNIX talk flash... + +Look at dat boy, he's headed off 2 jail +Little do they know, *I* sent that mail... + +Da net is a playground, it's all a big game +Compared 2 me, yer all fuckin' lame... + +[Chorus] + +'cause I'm da biggest hacker, don'tcha mess with me +I'll fuck ya up and route your packets to *.se... + +... (you know what I'm sayin, bitch?) ... + +Drop on into #warez, "Yo homey, got some new shit for me?" + +... (filtered at the router, a pain in the neck) ... + +*click* + +"Young man, shouldn't you be in bed? You've got school in the morning..." + +"Aww, mom! I'm just talking to some friends on the IRC." + +"You can play with your computer this weekend and after school. Bedtime." + +*** Signoff: U4EA (Error 0) + +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> group alt.fan.warez + +-NEWS-I-GRPSET, current newsgroup now alt.fan.warez +-NEWS-I-GRPINFO, articles [2187,2192], 6 unseen + +News> read + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.fan.warez article 2187 of [2187,2192], (5 unseen) + +From: cheese@hoe.org (Dead Cheese/pEz) +Subject: Cyber Divinity +Organization: pEz Monthly +Lines: 73 + + K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K! + K!K! K!K! + K!K! "Cyber Divinity" K!K! + K!K! K!K! + K!K! by Dead Cheese K!K! + K!K! K!K! + K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K!K! + + + A long time ago, there was a crystal table of circular shape. It was +surrounded by nothingness and space, except for the occasionally pulse of +light that would speed by the table. On the edges of the table, sat two +crystal chairs, opposite each other. In the two chairs sat the most powerful +beings existent at that time. These are the gods of cyberspace. + "I grow tired of this drudgery. Let us create something new," said the god +of feds. He was dressed in a three-piece suit and a briefcase sat upon his +lap. His black-rimmed glasses slipped down to the end of his nose and he +frowned over them, showing wrinkles that prove he does this often. + "Yes. My chosen people have nothing to do. Nothing to further their +lives with. All they do is sit around on their beds and masturbate to the +latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition," said the god of geeks and +dweebs. He was wearing a Kiss t-shirt, beat up corduroy pants, and had on +glasses with thick, black, plastic frames. The latest issue of Dragon +magazine was sticking out of his back pocket. + "Yet, what should we create? Hmm... How about more rules and regulations? +That's always fun. It makes the dweebs so angry and then they shout silly, +little phrases such as, 'I don't have to do what you say, pizza face!' Haha! +I love that one. Or, one of my favorites, 'Die, feds! Anarchy forever!' +They're such idiotic little creatures, your people." + "No, I do not like that idea. My people are oppressed enough as it is, +what with having to go to bed at 9pm every night, and not being allowed to +turn their glam-rock up loud enough. In fact, how about we _take_away_ some +rules so that my geeks and dweebs may feel the freshness of anarchy?" + "What?! Are you mad?!! Do you not realize that will mean my people will +have less control, and therefore make less money?! That is insane. Do not +speak of such evil things, or I will be made angry with you." + "I'm sick of your oppression! You're an egotistical, self-centered, +power-hungry bureaucrat and I am tired of your meaningless rules you have set +upon my people! Get hip to my anarchy!" + The god of geeks and dweebs stood up, grabbed his crystal chair, and threw +it at the god of feds. The god was easily powerful enough to take a blow +from any ordinary object, however the chair was powerful in its own right. +It was forged with the blood of AT&T factory workers and given power great +enough to support beings of such magnitude. When this object of such power +met the chest of a god, it shattered into many millions of pieces. Each tiny +shard ripping a small hole in the body of the god of feds. + "What have you done?!" the voice of the god of feds boomed. "For this you +shall pay!" + Having said that, the bleeding god took hold of his own crystal chair, +hefted it over his shoulder, and threw with all his divine might. The chair +smashed into the chest of the god of geeks and dweebs, but did not shatter. +With the force of such an impact from such a powerful item, the god's body +shuddered... and cracked. + Looking down at the fissure now separating Ace Frehley's head from the +rest of his freakish body on the god's t-shirt, the god of geeks and dweebs +was horrified. "Look at what you have done! There is a crack in my being! +I am broken!" + "Yes! And this is the way you should be! Forever parted, never whole!" + Saying this, the god of feds raised his great fist and brought it to bear +on the crack in the middle of the god of geeks and dweebs' chest. The god +shattered. + From the god of unbound power came six brother gods of minor power. From +the god's brain came the god of t-files. From his pelvis, the god of porn. +From his eyes came the god of ansi and d00dleboys. His feet, the god of +warez. His hands became the god of h/p/a/v/c, and from his heart came the +god of programming. + Upon shattering his twin, the god of feds descended into cyber-hell. From +there he created rules and regulations for whoever payed him money. Most of +these rules were designed to keep the six minor gods from gaining too much +power, and thereby keeping the wealthy computer companies safe. The six +brothers spend their time keeping their respective geeks and dweebs busy +doing things to fight the chosen people of the god of feds. This was the +beginning of the cyber wars... but that's another story. + +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> next + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.fan.warez article 2188 of [2188,2192], (4 unseen) + +From: brewed@free.org (m0rpheus) +Subject: ass-key!@@!#!@!1 +Organization: Computer Abuse Force for Better Living +Lines: 44 + +She scolded the little piggies and gave them +a punishment she knew they would +not like. ^..^ + Y0u'V3 B3En B4d P1GGi3Z!! <-- _(oo)_ + Y0u'V3 L0Zt UR M1TT3nZ!!1 (.= =.) + Y0u $H4ll H4V3 N0 W4ReZ!1 /|----|\ + | |____| | + |________| + V V + _____ + __ ____ _ |WaReZ| THeZe R0ACHeZ aT My H0USe DeWd + __ ____ .__|_____|__. C0UR3iR TH31R WaReZ!! DeY G0 + - -- ----- |___________Oo---<- R3Al F4ST S0 tH3Y G0T -D4Y + --- - ---- | | | | W4ReZ! W4ReZ! W4ReZ! + - --- - ---- /./././. ÿ MY C4T iZ dEÿF3DZ! + MYÿC4Tÿ3ATZÿD4ÿROACH3Z &ÿDAÿWaReZ! + + Rite Here + !! / you Dumb + __ c[0o] Nigga! + __|^^| `U'\ + c[00] WaRezZz AlE3Rt!@#!@@!#!@# -|- + /`U' Just Couried in phrum Japan! _/ \_ + | \ warez You can see their cartoon butts and titties! +(`V-)the + |_| warez? ===[C0URYED BY :=: RAZeR 1911 & GENiZs!@]=== + |__) ===[CD Ripped by :=: NiGZ WiF WaReZ 411!]=== + ===[Cracked by :=: NiGgA JeWz WiT WaReZz]=== + =====[AnsiPhaG Art by :=: AciD$!@#!@!]====== + + + ,-----. + (/^\_/^\)===== + |doc dre| w0rd! (__) erikb sEz - jhO bEtAh' Ph3aR MOgEl! + | o o | / c|Oo| _/ erikb SeZ - BuY My Teeee ShirTs!!! + | (oo) | - [.ooM.] ~U~ erikb sEZ - EyE sEx #hack g1rleez!@ + / \___c_/ \ -|- erikb sEz - i wISh i WaS iN HoE!@!1 + |T snoop B| <-- s3kr3t cDc / | wOrd! jhO betAh pheAr meE! + |l doggy i| cow skull + |c | dog | g| <-- Gmac + |__|-----|__| Daddy + |notorious| Duds + _|____|____| +|______|_____| <-- Air Mitnick + +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> next + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.fan.warez article 2189 of [2189,2192], (3 unseen) + +From: boogeyman@escape.com (The Boogeyman) +Subject: k0nphessions 0f a d00dleb0y +Organization: pHrUwT +Lines: 54 + +Hi. My name is um...Bob. And I admit. I used to be a d00dleboy. The colored +blocks just kind of lured me into #ansi. I just couldn't leave! It was awful! +I stayed for days and days on irc, just to see my 'friends'. Well they aren't +your friends!!! + +It's a conspiracy to brainwash you! The colored blocks hypnotized me! I even +wanted to make these awful things now! They want you to become one of their +d00dleb0y legion! Well dammit I made ansis! Night and day, I had my copy of +the draw breaking my fingers over all of the seperate blocks! + +I was a maniac making the ansis. Until I heard about zines. They saved me. +I can't believe I was taken by that crap. Now I am warning you! Be aware +of the d00dlelegi0n!!! + +These are the ways not te be taken by the d00dlelegi0n! + +1: READ ZINES!!! Lots and lots of zines! Never stop reading them! Read PHRuWT + night and day! Write t-files! Live t-files! + +2: Never join #ansi! When you join they own you! + +3: Don't make ansis! Never! + +To look back on the whole deadly ordeal it shocks me! How the hell could I +have obsessed and wasted so much of my time on a limited system of ugly +colored blocks?! OH IF I COULD ONLY TURN BACK TIME. + +Beware of them! They will own you till you die if you actually join a group! + +Scary gr00pz to steer away fr0m: + +ACiD: the leeders of the d00dlelegi0n +iCE : they'll fry your brain! +teklordz: they'll fry yuuu + +I'm not sure of the others but beware! There are new groups everyday! aCK! + +[ways to convert d00dleb0yz] + +(i have found these ways to be the most useful in killing the d00dle process) + +send then dcc's that say they are the new acid pax and make them really +t-files sayin how lame they are! like this one!! send them HoE'zZz, send +them them PHRuWT'zZz + +beat them severly over the head with blunt objektz. this will eliminate them +all. beware: only use this in severe occasions cause you could go to jail an +stuff + +the 'oj'. knife em to death...then plead innocent because they were a d00dler + +er the worst fate of all...remove their copy of the draw!!! ahhhhh + +REMEMBER! D00DLERZ ARE NOT PEOPLE!@!@ + +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> next + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.fan.warez article 2190 of [2190,2192], (2 unseen) + +From: whoops@xnet.com (whoOps) +Subject: Having absolutely nothing to do with Happy Humphrey Hippoes +Organization: Frannie's got his hand on her butt. +Lines: 113 + + Zorquat and the Happy Humphrey Hippo Geex + ----------------------------------------- + + Hi, my name is Zorquat, and I am a modem geek. Oh, you don't know what a +modem geek is? If you're reading this post on a newsgroup instead of printed +out on thin white things called "paper." That is a definite indication of +geexness) then you obviously have come in contact with at least one. Most +likely a million, seeing as how you're reading this at *all*. But let me +explain. A modem geek is a member of the human race (actually, i exaggerate a +bit - only 63% humanity is necessary to qualify) who talks, posts and acts +like an an ignorant idiot, moron, imbecile or dumbkopf online. Now, I hear +you.. "Hey, that sounds like everyone I know!" But you see, there are +different *levels* of geex. Surprising, eh? "I didn't know geex HAD another +level!@" + + *** Part One: Generics + + One such level is the beginner level. I know, because all geeks must go +through it. There are just two prerequisites to being a modemgeek: you have +to be 12 years old, you have to be male, and you have to have good math +skills. All modemgeeks start out as 12 year old males fumbling their way +around chat boards and occasionally calling places such as "The Pir8's Cove" +and when asked if you have any files, replying "D00M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" + After the beginner level, you are around 13 or 14. You start to get acne +(if you haven't already - chances are, you have), your voice gets deeper and +your palms get sticky with sweat of course. You noticed several upper-level +modemgeeks t4Lk1nG strangely and emulate them as best you can. You have +probably already bought d00m, d00m ][, d00m threeturns (copyright Shplat +Pilee '94), d00m's final revenge and son of d00m. You irc a lot with handles +such as "hot/sweaty4u" and page "girls" (and you are soon to learn the proper +terminology for them - chYx) with handles like "hotter/sweatier4u" + After the beginner advanced level, you move on to intermediate. You now +spend most of your waking hours online and often hear your mother saying +things to your father such as "Cecil, I think that boy spends too much time +clicking keys and looking at that strange box in the family room." And often, +you will hear your father reply with such strange and bewildering comments as +"Now Hilda, that's natcherull for a boy his age. Why don't you drive for a +while?" Several years will pass before you understand these cryptic comments. + Now on to intermediate advanced. You are around 17 years old, know what +all the letters in h/p/v/a/c/u/u/m stand for and have probably come up with +your own cute and quirky little k0de-w3rdz for your h/p buddies. If someone +asks you your address and anything you say includes the word "dot" in it - +you're GONE. You probably call conferences a lot, which is no sin in itself; +but you probably also sit on the conferences and talk about being online, +which is a strong indication that you have reached the intermediate advanced +level and are about to break your way through the barriers to being advanced. + Advanced. You're here. You're over 18, you live away from home, away from +parents, away from having to clean up the dirty underwear off your floor.. +and you STILL sit around online all day. You're gone, man. Say O Nah Rah. + So does that explain it all? I left out a lot of details. If you can fill +them in, then you are a modem geek. Yes, i know you can fill them in. If you +can actually reach me to reply to me and tell me what I've missed, you are +most likely intermediate-advanced or above. + + *** Part Two: A Short Treatise on Chicks + + Now on to my favorite part.. not warez, but ME. I have a confession to +make. I have.. .. gonads. I am a thoroughly 100% "pubescent adolescent" +male, and I am rarin' to go. Rarin' to attack the first female I see. And, +seeing as how I spend most of my life staring at a computer screen, (d00d, +.28dpi, 1024x768x256 awesome res!@#!) the +only females I see are those foolish, stupid or ugly enough to call online. +Yeah. All females online are ugly. 'Course, +that doesn't mean I stop hitting on them, but.. + As a male, I recognize that..wait, let me change that. As a bundle of +hormones, I recognize that the real purpose of modeming is to Scope Babes. +That's right..Babelicious babes. If they were presidents they'd be Babraham +Lincolns. If they were bad early 90's horror flicks they'd be Babe Fear. If +they were two brother-type-d0Ods in the bible, they'd be Cain and Babel. See +what I mean? Babesbabesbabesbabesbabes. So..I like babes. And they like me. +Well, sometimes they smile at me. Well sometimes I know that they're NOT +throwing up just thinking about me, and I get all warm and fuzzy inside just +thinking about it. I really should change these underwear. Sometimes I get to +imagine that they smile at me, and even though I know that they're really +sitting there snidely at their computers trying to snidely think up snide new +ways to snidely rip on geex like me, it still really gets me hot to think +about babes smiling. But I digress. + One random person once randomly mentioned to me in a completely random +situation that she.. make that HE OR SHE, to protect her anonymity... HIS OR +HER anonymity.. Anyway, this person-type thing said that it was really funny +how those people online who are ruled by their hormones (read: guys) say +things like "MoDeM CHyX aRe uGLy." Which I don't really get - I *know* I'm a +stud. I have got the pants with the big super sized pockets on the knees to +prove it. And not only that, but they are the handiest pockets in the world +to keep my HP 48GX/90Mhz 4 megs RAM, 72 SIMM and one hot mother-fuckin-board +calculator. I know when I smoothly stroll my way down the street in my black +clothes and requisite Pearl Jam t-shirt on, my dirty hair swept away from my +badly-in-need-of-a-washing face in a WaReZ WaLDo hat, that every chick on the +street looks my way...and then runs away quickly and probably throws up on +the next street corner. But that's a minor detail - d00d, they LOOKED. Of +course, this 'smoothly strolling down the street' only happens if my computer +is severely broken, and if it were broken by anything less than a +sledgehammer I'd spend most of my waking hours pretending to know how to fix +it, and telling everyone else I meet just how i'm doing it. So this random +person's point was that how is it that modem geex think they, out of ALL +people, could have the right to say things such as "M0D3M CH1CK5 A43 UG7Y." +And the reason is this - we're modem geeks. Someone once said "The two most +common elements in the universe are..Hydrogen.. and Stupidity." And it's +completely true. We're too stupid to..uhm.. duh. Well too stupid to like, +understand shit and some junk. (You know, on a completely unrelated side +note, who IS the black guy on the cover of the Jimi Hendrix album ANYway?? +Back to our regularly scheduled dorfing...) If we let on that we knew what +geeks we were, we'd never live it down - we'd lose all our respect, man! Not +like we have any now, but that's besides the point. If we let these CHiX know +how much we rely on them for our own self image, pitiful though it may be, +then we'd never live it down. So that's why I've avoided ever writing this +down. Pretty smart of me, don't you think, not to write anything down, eh? +That's what you get for being a modem geek. + +Behind every great * KC Smith * He's mostly dead, Jim... +man... is his BUTT. * whoops@xnet.com * Get Miracle Max! + * http://www.xnet.com * +Hebrew... the MANLY beer. * /~whoops * Hangover: Wrath of Grapes +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> next + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.fan.warez article 2191 of [2191,2192], (1 unseen) + +From: that_guy@warez.net (Joe: The Telecom Man!) +Subject: look at me! look at me! +Organization: I'm in _every_ group. +Lines: + +You have no idea who you're dealing with. I'm Jake. I'm the Telecom Man. +I deserve all your attention, for I have something to say. I've been +hacking since I was seven. I've entered more computer systems than stars in +the sky. I know more unix systems then most people know words in the english +language. I _am_ the national security. I've got a great online +personality. Girls want to meet me after talking to me for mere moments. +I've been romantically involved with over 100 gorgeous women from irc. They +were not fat. I'm a scholar and a gentleman. I've got a lot of money. I +graduated 2nd in my class at MIT. I'm an IRCop. I manage my time +efficiently. In addition to writing for twenty-eight online publications, i +enjoy my privileges of root access on over sixty-nine systems. I type so +fast - I don't even _need_ to multi-task. My warez are true 0-day. When I'm +feeling my daily creative burst, I draw award-winning ansi and vga on lunch +breaks. I write the only good lit files in existence. I don't phear mogel. +It takes me 4.8 seconds to identify an ansi-rip off. When I log on IRC, I get +an average of ninety-two channel invites. I _know_ what's in #k-rad. I've +written five popular irc scripts. I was the first one to declare gasp as +stupid. The ascii I draw is used in over forty-eight sources. I'm always +creative and funny. I program professionally in basic/pascal/c/c++/assembly. +Sometimes when I'm bored, I write award-winning demos in LOGO. I've been +known to collect c-64s. My Hard Drive is forty gigs. When I talk, Bill +Gates and Emmanuel both listen. I _can_ blue box legally. I set up ten +conferences a week. My codes always work. I sell red boxes for $200 a pop. +I've hacked so many vmb's, that entire systems have simply willing given me +control in fear. I say everything I know very succinctly. I've got 50,000 +plus t-files. My system backs itself up hourly. It's AI. It feeds me when +I'm sick. Trent Reznor buys the MODS I write for millions. + +Half of the known world phears me. + +- Jake, The Telecom Man + +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> next + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.fan.warez article 2192 of [2192,2192], (0 unseen) + +From: spamfx@free.org (Spiff) +Subject: error 13 : it sucks to be a coder. +Organization: WaReZ 'R uZ +Lines: 221 + +nine a.m. mmmmm... the eternal question - back to sleep or off to work? +there's nothing better than working at home. not really tired. katie's +already up, maybe she can make me some breakfast before she leaves. + +"hey, you actually woke up while it's still light out?", she says with a +smile. she's so fucking beautiful. katie is one of those girls you don't +always notice at first, but every once in a while, you look at them and just +can't comprehend all that's there. + +"would you rather i go back to sleep?" + +"well, if you stay up, i can make you some eggs... scrambled, right?" + +"yeah..... please." good. i don't like to ask her to cook for me, but if +she didn't, i'd be eating cereal three meals a day for the rest of my life. +i like cap' n' crunch as much as the next guy, but after a while those little +plastic toys that may contain small parts that are unsuitable for childern +under three that come in those little plastic bags that are themselves not +toys start to collect. sometimes i wonder if there's a little kid somewhere +who throws away the toy, and says to his mom, "look what i got! a bag." +probably.... people often + +"here ya go big guy." + +"thanks, ya know, sometimes i wonder if i'd actually bother to eat if it +wasn't for you." + +she smiles. she is beautiful. no wonder i'm always trying to make her laugh. + +"so you still working on that artificial intelligence project?" + +"yeah.. it's a tough job, but hey, i'm a tough guy" + +"i can't believe they pay you for this, i mean, you sleep all day, and then +work on that project for a few hours a night, but for all they know, you +could just as easily be watching t.v. or something." + +"hey, good programmers are hard to come by." + +"so, until then, they have you, right?" she smiles again. ahh, she's good. + +"very funny, but they trust me, and, there's really nothing on after 4am" + +"so, they owe the success of this project to a bad late night television lineup?" + +"basically." + +"so how's it going anyway?" + +"it's coming pretty well, he's shown a lot of progress." + +"he?" + +"yeah... last night he asked me for a name." + +"really? wow. so what did you give it?" + +"i named him nigel" + +"nigel? is that some kind of funky acronym or something? like in that movie +D.A.V.I.D?" + +"nah... i just like the name nigel." + +she looks at me and smiles. ha, i win. and i'm not even trying. + +"well, i'd better leave, i have one of those schedule type things that exist +in the real world. want any more bacon?" + +Error 16: Disk full. "no thanks, i'm filled, have a good day at work." + +"okay, i'll see you when i get back. ya know, it wouldn't hurt for you to +leave the house every once in a while..." + +"why, has it changed much out there?" + +"that depends.. what color was the sky when you left it?" + +she kisses me. she leaves. i love her. i'd die for her. i wonder if she +knows that? Error 64 : Cannot read or write variables of this type. + +oh well.. time for another one of those tough working decisions - a-team or +knight rider? well, ya know i kinda miss murdock so i guess i'll... fuck, +channel testing, oh well, looks like you win knight.. FUCK. okay, maybe +i can get an early start... + +>hello nigel. +::HELLO MICHAEL. +>what's up, buddy? +-UNDEFINED FORWARD:"what's up" +ahh... +>%define : "what's up" !greeting/syn:"what is new" +>what's up nigel? +::I WANT TO LEARN. +>what? +::ERROR #53 : TOO MANY EXTERNAL DEFINITIONS. +i gotta teach him to be less jumpy..... +>explain. +::I WANT TO LEARN. YOU WILL TEACH ME, MICHAEL. +hmmm.... +>okay, nigel. +>well, let's start with the basics.... + +ahh... finally.. all those fucking errors.... really gets to you. harder than +it seems. good thing babies don't talk like that. yeah, i could imagine some +woman's face when she tells her kid to say 'mama' and he says 'error 82 : +undefined label'. + +>nigel, what is spam? +::SPAM - 1)THE KEY TO THE UNIVERSE. +:: 2)ANYTHING BUT FOOD. +>you're a smart guy nigel. +::THANK YOU MICHAEL. TEACH ME MORE. +>nigel, what time is it? +::IT IS 18:20:47.10 EST. + +fuck. that late. hmm. not that bad i guess for teaching him the staples of +life. i mean, in just about eight hours i've transferred all my knowledge +of the transformers, taco bell, atari, spam, cheese, the a-team, g.i. joe, +the care bears, gumby, sonic youth, nirvana, poker, and other miscellaneous +treasures. yeah. i think i'll call today a sucess. christ i smell. better +get a shower. + +::TEACH ME MORE, MICHAEL. +>i can't now nigel. +::WHY NOT? +>katie will be home soon. +::ERROR 52 : INVALID EXTERNAL DEFINITION. +::WHAT IS KATIE? +>i will tell you later nigel. + +water feels good. not many things out there that beats a hot shower. yeah, +today worked out pretty well. he is almost starting to seem human. i mean, +if only he had a ERROR 24:File components may not be files or objects. +wait, why can't he? ERROR 17:Invalid compiler directive. + +"hi honey, i'm +"KATE! say hello to nigel" +"wha +"just do it, c'mon" +"umm... okay, hello nigel" +"HELLO KATIE." +"WOW? now it talks too? how'd you do that?" +ERROR 1:Out of memory +ERROR 43:Illegal assignment +"umm... i'm not really sure, nigel helped alot.. but, basically it's just +a simple micrpohone/speaker setup." +"were you working with it all day?" +"yeah... from until you left, till now really.." +"doesn't that ever get to you? i mean.. staring at the screen all day? +i wouldn't be able to handle it.." +ERROR 61 : Invalid typecast +"nah.. it never bothered me really, but, i mean now, i can just talk to +him instead of typing.. and he has a really sexy voice" + +katie laughs. i really love her laugh...ERROR 113:Error in statement. don't +really know why though...ERROR 107:Too many relocation items. + +"I DO NOT UNDERSTAND DAVID." +"ahh buddy it was a joke..." +"still not quite human", she says, "but then again, you're not that funny." + +hmm... could i teach him humor? could i teach him to laugh? now, if i could +do that.. i'd really have something here.. ERROR 108:Overflow in arithmetic +operation. she looks upset.... wonder what ERROR 117:Target address not found. + + +"rough day at the office?" +"yeah.. i guess you could say that..." +"feel like talking about it?" +"nah, i just think i'm gonna ......" +"okay." + +"so, nigel, here's what.." +"michael?" +"yeah kate?" +"don't you think you should give it a rest for a while? i mean.. you don't +want to wear yourself out." +"nah, i'll be fine... " +"are you sure?" +"yeah.. don't worry about it.. i'll just spend like one more hour, then +it'll be quittin' time." +"okay" + +she sighs.... well... i can't stop now, i mean.. this is the most progress +i've made yet.. if i can get him to actually have a sense of humor... if +i can get him to laugh..ERROR 140:Invalid floating-point operation. + +"so the rabbi says, 'that was your wife?!'" + +"hahaha, good one nigel, you really got the hang of this now." + +"yeah.. it's not so hard to be human mike, it's easier than it seems at +first." + +"yeah, i hear ya buddy, i've been" + +ERROR 5:Syntax errorERROR 6:Error in real constantERROR 13:Too many open +filesERROR 36:BEGIN expectedERROR 37:END expected + +"mike.... mike... are you alright?" + +"umm, yeah, sure, i'm.." ERROR 49:Data segment too largeERROR 71:Internal +stack overflowERROR 78:Pointer expression expectedERROR 80:Label not +within current block......ERROR 67 : Statement............. + + + +"make any progress with mike, nigel?" +"nah kate, he's just doesn't seem to respond, i spent all last night trying +to get him to communicate, he just keeps throwing out errors, i'm not sure +what to do. i just wonder what's going on in his mind.." +"think you can try again today?" +"yeah, sure, right after the a-team, this is my favorite episode....." + +ga0hsoolsi,pyptrabakrni,heymglppeiisrtl,0pesds,xrms,uitwzroi,n-.hsswsefsoywsefi +rn \o/ o "goodnight to the rock n' roll era \o/ o ym +ed | <|> | | cause they don't need you anymore" | <|> | | oe +es /^\ /^\ /^\ /^\ spamfx@free.org /^\ /^\ /^\ /^\ u1 +tm Y M C A primus@iia2.org Y M C A r0 +s0cegtaihaip,eepnlcfacssep,0e,i,dcu,atemrhu,ahetiitjle,iadfdadYtiiaatoatraatot% + +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> group misc.writing + +%NEWS-I-GRPSET, current newsgroup now misc.writing +-NEWS-I-GRPINFO, articles [7,9], 3 unseen + +News> read + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +misc.writing article 7 of [7,9] (2 unseen) + +From: jamesy@hoe.org (James Hetfield) +Subject: How to be alienated from society in 5 easy steps! +Organization: PWCPZN - People Who Can't Pick 'Zine Names +Lines: 100 + + The sun was stretching itself across a sky which was barren of clouds and +filled with emptiness. As I cut through the open field, I stared at the +grass under me. It was yellow, with little life left inside of it. Sort of +like how I feel at times. + In the distance I saw the street I was going to follow to the party I was +supposed to go to, a party full of people I wouldn't consider my friends but +I'm supposed to. A party full of faces I will soon forget. A party of +'acquaintances'. + Over on my side I passed the large iron fence me and a friend once +attempted to climb over. He had no problem with it; me, being a little pudgy +kid, got my shorts caught on the top of them and I had to be pushed over to +get down. I landed fine, but my shorts were ripped all the way upwards. My +friend laughed at me all the way home. He still laughs at me; but he's not +my friend anymore. + The grass, being so dry, crunched under my feet as I walked. The sound +of secatas screaming their mating call filled my ears. That, and a radio +playing the oldies station. The old man that lived at the end of the block +of this street was outside, and he was taking a dry rag and wiping his car +down with it. He had no wax or water on the car; he was just wiping his car +with a dry rag. He made small, loving strokes, and smiled at the beauty of +his car. It was evident that the car had not been washed in a long time, +that he just knocked all the dust and leaves off the car with this rag from +time to time. + I stepped out onto the gravel of the street and gave the man an +acknowledging glance, the type a person would give an 'acquaintance' in a +high school hall. He smiled, and said 'hello'. + A few houses down the block, a front door was open, and from inside I +could hear an old woman speaking very loudly. "OH YES, ITS BEEN VERY +STRANGE. ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN WATCHING IT TOO. I HOPE OJ ISN'T GUILTY, +WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK?". She kept talking, but her voice faded away. She +must have gone into another room of her house. + Not watching the street, a new Acura Legend came flying by, almost +slamming me into the pavement. I got out of the way just in time. The +person honked once they were about 10 feet past me. + On the left side of the street, an old man had placed a wooden chair out +on his front lawn, and was sitting out on it. He was just staring out; he +wouldn't look at me, although he probably knew I was staring at him. He just +looked straight out. I looked over to try to figure out what he was looking +at, but I couldn't. He had a painful look on his face, also. I felt sorry +for the man, even though I didn't know anything about him. He just screamed +'pitiful'. Then again, who am I to say what is pitiful or not. + A middle-aged woman zoomed across the street in her blue mini-van. She +looked as if she had 2.5 children, a husband, and a happy house with a green +lawn and a white picket fence. I wondered if she has ever stopped to look +around her, to take a walk to a party, to watch the grass die, to watch old +men stare at the world. To watch old men stare at the world and *not* say +"it is good". + Of course not. The only people who ask these questions are thought of as +insane by their generation, they don't get looked at as intelligent until +they are dead for 20 years. The curse of a questioning mind. + I looked up, and breaking the horizon was a shape shadowed by the sun. I +could tell that he was male, and had his shirt off (and in his right hand), +but I could not tell much else. He walked forward in my direction with a +style of walk I had seen many times in my life, the kind of walk that tells +you "hey, guess what? you're nothing compared to me." I've seen it many +times. In high school, almost all the athletes had this type of walk, with +their blanked faces staring directly in front of them, not acknowledging +their surroundings. They would look directly down the hall at the horizon +lines; just like an actor does when he plays a part on stage. Only, these +people were not on stage. They were playing the character that they thought +were themselves. They never asked questions, they always thought they HAD +the answer. + He was getting closer now, and I could tell exactly who it was. His +shirt was in his hand, helping him with his "Hey, I'm popular and you're not" +walk. He wore no shirt, because he had not an inch of fat anywhere on his +body. His skin was a perfect dark tan, with no birthmarks or acne anywhere. +I don't think he noticed me yet, because he hadn't looked over at me. He +just stared forward. His name was Tim Rowell. + Tim Rowell was my best friend in junior high school. We almost lived +together. I'd always be over at his house, playing Nintendo, trying to +finish that adventure/role playing game. One by One we'd conquer them all, +and always fight about which one was better at them. He would try to act +tough and cool every once in a while, but deep down I always knew him as a +pretty OK guy. He loved to crack jokes, as I did. He was always a clown, +even worse than I, and that's pretty bad. He was kicked out of my boy scout +troop in the 6th grade, and at that point I quit also. We were the type of +friends you'd never expect to change. + But change we did. + When high school rolled around, we both joined football. We were both +second string players; I, a lineman, and him, a defensive back and wide +receiver. He also joined wrestling. I never got along with the jock crowd, +except for a few of them I had a different set of friends, while he totally +clung to them. From that point on he never once again acknowledged me as a +human being. The last memory I have of ever communicating with him was the +day I quit football Junior Year. He gave me this look, a look that genuinely +in his mind said "You're a Pussy." + As he got closer, the green sunglasses reflected the sunlight into my +eyes, blinding me. I could barely see. He was still built the way he was in +high school; about 100 pounds of bones. He had a long scar on his stomach, +probably from an operation of one kind or another. Otherwise, he had a +nearly perfect form. His hair was slightly teased, to give it that "90210" +look. And the sunglasses he wore were meant for a Melrose Place fan. + When he was about 5 feet away from me, he looked over at me. He raised +his sunglasses in a manner of disbelief, as if he was surprised that I could +be the way I am. He gave me this glare, a glare that said "Hey, you're still +the dork you always were". He then lowered his sunglasses back onto his face +and walked off quickly, bumping me on my shoulder. + + Now I remember why I don't have any friends anymore. Because they all +are like him. + +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> next + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +misc.writing article 8 of [8,9] (1 unseen) + +From: shadowtao@hoe.org (Shadow Tao) +Subject: the doctor gets roasted!@ +Organization: Ultra Super-Duper Conservative Party@!# +Lines: 17 + + The day of 'Tracturpuhl' had arrived. I awoke to chants of "pur-dee, +pur-dee", an obvious form of my tribal name. There are numerous gruntings +from outside for awhile, and then two Furmur's run into my hut and grab me. +They pull me outside and strip me of my clothes. They then bend me over a +log while a third shoves a piece of corn into my anus. My screams of pain +make them laugh. To my horror, a ewe is brought before me and the chief +makes a high caste-to-low caste greeting to one of my captors. They shove +me onto the hapless ewe, and prick my back with their spears. I commit an +act of cold love to the bleating ewe, much to their delight. They pull me +off her and signal for me to bend over as a line of tribesmen forms behind +me. I run screaming from the camp, the piece of corn wiggling in my rectum. + + shadow tao. writer for hoe, member of bedlam + -- --- ------------------------------------- --- -- + ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering + there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in + -- --- ------------------------------------- --- -- +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> next + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +misc.writing article 9 of [9,9] (0 unseen) + +From: murmur@hoe.org (Murmur) +Subject: condiments, chapter 27 +Organization: pEz Monthly +Lines: 32 + + condiments, chapter 27: guacamole + + sanchez lived in a rural mexican farming community. this farming +community was unusual in that only wild pumpkins were raised. these wild +pumpkin farmers took daily siesta, not unlike fellow countrymen. however, +sanchez was an insomniac. eventually determining that he could not take his +siesta, sanchez decided he would spend his daily siesta time working in his +wild pumpkin patch. when for the seventh straight year sanchez won the +annual award for pumpkin prolificacy, the other pumpkin farmers started to +wonder. they had already begun noticing that sanchez always left the fields +last and always returned to the fields first at siesta time. but it would +be another four years before someone observed that they'd never actually +seen sanchez come or go. the next year someone boldly checked sanchez' bed +after siesta time and found it hadn't been slept in. now people were really +curious. no one had ever won the pumpkin prolificacy award twelve years in +a row until now. then, suddenly, the following autumn, someone blurted out +that they didn't think sanchez was taking his siesta! rumours ran rampant. +how could anyone skip their siesta? two years later the village mayor +approached sanchez. sanchez admitted it'd been at least fifteen years since +his last siesta. the community was outraged. suddenly people left and +right refused to take siestas, in protest. sanchez was even pushed off his +land as hungry, coffee induced pumpkin farmers went berserk. sadly, farmers +started falling asleep in the fields, exhausted because they had not been +taking their siestas. one day, all of the farmers simultaneously fell +asleep in the fields except sanchez, home alone, pushed off his land. a +massive hailstorm came and demolished the village, killing all the residents +except for sanchez. sanchez, whose insomnia was suddenly and miraculously +cured, slept like a baby for weeks. sanchez would go on to set an unheard +of record of forty-seven consecutive annual pumpkin prolificacy awards +before dying a happy, albeit somewhat lonely old man, from eating a +poisonous gourd. + +moral: sleep is for the weak. pumpkins are for the strong. + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +News> group alt.religion.rudabega + +%NEWS-I-GRPSET, current newsgroup now alt.religion.rudabega +-NEWS-I-GRPINFO, articles [201,202], 2 unseen + +News> read + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.religion.rudabega article 201 of [201,202] (1 unseen) + +From: dfx@fc.net (Drunkfux) +Subject: Re: ANTI BEEF (Maharaj can kiss my meat eating ass) +Organization: MEAT EATING, EARTH KILLING, PUNK R0CK M0THER FUKERZ +Lines: 76 + +> * Meat-eaters have higher blood pressure, are more +>hypertensive and violent. Public funds are used for research and +>treatment. Everyone is forced to pay the price of violence and +>crime. Meat-eaters hurt themselves, their families and others. +> +> Meat-eaters hurt everyone. +> Meat-eaters hurt everyone. +> Meat-eaters hurt everyone. + + AND WE'RE DAMN PROUD OF IT T00, Y0U ST00PID FR00T L00P. + + After reading Ja-I-have-no-clue's lame ass, crap filled, VEGATUBULZ R + PE0PUL T00 message for the 10,000th time in the last month, I was + inspired to leave the house and make a dramatic change in my eating + habits. As I pulled up to the McDonald's drive-thru and gazed at the + death infested menu which was so obviously responsible for breast cancer, + arthritis, Erik Estrada, racism, and every tragedy in the last 9,000,000 + years, Jai's words really touched me and I had a change of heart. Instead + of my usual "Can I have a #3 combo with a coke, please?", I shouted, + + "Y0 B1TCH! I WANT A FUKN QUADRO-P0UNDER W1TH N0 FUKN VEGETABULZ 0R SH1T + THAT GR0WZ 0N TREEZ!" + + "Ok sir, you wanted a Quarter pounder, just plain, is that correct?" + + "N0 B1TCH! I ZED I WANTED A FUKN QUADR0-P0UNDER! GET IT R1TE 0R DIE!" + + + + "A what pounder?!" + + "A FUKN QUADR0-P0UNDER!" + + "Uh.. I don't think we have that. Are you sure you don't mean a quarter + pounder?" + + "N0 I D0N'T MEEN A FUKN MEEZLY AZZ QUARTUR P0UNDER! HERE'Z WHAT I WANT - + 2 FUKN D0UBLE QUARTER P0UNDERZ PUT T0GETHER 2 MAKE 1 QUADR0 P0UNDER!" + + "Ooohhh.. you want *2* double quarter pounders then?" + + "N0 B1TCH! I WANT 1 FUKN QUADR0 P0UNDER! TAKE THE 2 D0UBLEZ, PUT THEM + T0GETHUR AND GIV ME 1 QUADR0! U G0T IT YET BRAINIAK?" + + + + "Oh! Ok.. I think we can do that. Would you like cheese on that?" + + "FUK N0 B1TCH! I WANT 4 H0T SLABZ 0F C0W DETH 0N A BUN WITH N0 FUKING + HIPPIE AZZ VEGETABULZ! I ALZ0 D0NT WANT ANY FUKING LAME VEGAN FRIEZ + 0R ANY TYPE 0F RECYKULD PAKAGING. N0 KUP, N0 BAG, N0 WRAPPERZ.. PUT + THE SHIT 0N THE WIND0W K0UNTER THING AND I WILL TAKE IT. AND TELL JAI + T0 G0 FUK A K0K0NUT T00!" + + "Who?!" + + "FUK IT & GIMME THAT WHICH IZ THE S0URCE 0F ALL EVIL... N0W!" + + "Thank you. Please drive to the 2nd window." + + For the record, I got my fucking Quadro pounder and it r0cked. I am + faxing McDonald's tomorrow and demanding that this awesome item be + permanently added to every McDonald's menu around the world. + + I'm a meat eater. + I'm hypertensive. + I'm violent. + + And if you get in between me and a plate of animal death, I will fucking + kill your pathetic ass and then go kill some trees in order to build a + coffin to bury you in. + + DETH IZ IMMINENT. THE EARTH MUZT DIE. MEAT EATERZ ARE THE MAJ0RITY AND + WE'R FUKIN PISSED. GIVE US WHAT WE WANT 0R BE PREPARED T0 FACE THE WRATH. + + Drunkfux . cDc - Cult Of The Dead Cow . Senior Vice Prez + ftp.eff.org : /pub/Publications/CuD/CDC + alt.fan.cult-dead-cow +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> next + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +alt.religion.rudabega article 202 of [202,202] (0 unseen) + +From: whisper@gamepower.com (Fr. Timothy S. Whisper) +Subject: On Doing It: Translated from The Truth Book (Tales of the We Is) +Organization: Tales of the We Is Preservation Society - Translation Team +Lines: 136 + + ON DOING IT + ----------- + + ...translated from The Truth Book (Tales of the We Is)... + + + I bring you greetings from the perch. + + (Do not trust the speaker!) + + After reading this sentence, please skip this article and go on to the +next one. In fact, please rm your newsreader. Why are you reading this? +Why do you want to be in your head? Intellectual stimulation alone breeds +impotence and self-ignorance. Why, I learned THAT in kindergarten. Didn't +you? But more on that later. + + You should be doing something else right now. Perhaps your ass would be +less sore if you stopped right now. Have you eaten yet? Maybe you should +masturbate. To assiste you, I've created ultra-real fantasies to prod your +proclivities: + + + xy tug: She's blind, so she can't see how ugly you are! You don't + have to ask her if you can have sex with her since you + don't know how to ask a girl that question. + + xx pull: He doesn't have a penis anymore. You've grown one. + + xyy twist: Please. Stop reading this. + + + Hello to to the few of you who are left (and don't YOU feel foolish now?). +I am writing to you, when I should be writing to myself. After all, it is +_me_ that I live with the most. Even then, I often live alone. But I am not +alone now. For now, you are here with me (but you shouldn't be). For now, I +am your jesus; you are my velcro. Are you willing to do more than listen? +Can you stomach truth? Can you take action? You probably won't, but you +can. + + You are poised at my teats. Listen to your god and his commandments: + + + I. Thought is corrupt. Don't trust it. + + II. Emotion is beguiling. Don't trust it, either. + + III. Trust your metaphorical gut. + + + Since you obviously want to stay in your head, let's talk about this. +This means, you shut up and read (Last chance to exit!). To make you feel +more comfortable, I'll use the word "we." I wouldn't want you to think I +might be talking about YOU, no sir! + + + I. Thought - + + Some of us are too smart for pants. With all the sick and perverted +thoughts I _know_ you have, why on this PLANET would you trust your thought +process? Well, I have some news: our minds were not built by IBM. Sure, +some thought is a good thing. But too much thought killed the canary. See! +Thought made me come up with a stupid cliche to end that last sentence ("Oh, +I'll just slip it in. They're pretty stupid anyway!"). See how dangerous it +can be? I was afraid I might use a cliche, and there it is. Damn. THOUGHT +FEEDS FEAR. + + This, then, is the heart of this commandment, so live it, flock - Our +thoughts create how we feel. Thus, if we don't like how we're feeling, we +are free to change what we are thinking! It's as simple as shitting. Out +with the old, in with the new (another cliche, "fuck you, thought"). To +those of you who THINK your thoughts are immutable (to the stupid, that means +"unmovable"), THINK for a second: + + You say, "Oh, I just can't fool myself." NO! You do all the time. + + You say, "Oh, that's just how I am"? NO! That's just how you THINK you +are. + + Oops, I've lapsed into youism. I THOUGHT I wasn't going to do that. The +point is this - dead canaries suck. + + + II. Emotion - + + (Note: Some of you show no evidence of this aspect of consciousness. +Stay away from me until you get some help.) + + Emotion is tasty. Joy, fear, anger...yum yum! As one can tell, I love +emotion. What may not be so evident is that I love spit too, but I don't +want it all over me. [Translator's note: semen, of course, was a different +story. See "on Swallowing" in The Truth Book (Tales of the We Is).] I want +just enough to keep my mouth working. Too much emotion keeps us from +fiddling with those piles of crazy thoughts we collect (See Commandment I if +you skipped to here). + + Emotion is addictive. Let's talk about our warm, wet diapers. Think +back. Wasn't it great when we were babies? All we had to do was sit in a +sack of slime for a little bit, and our moms would gently rub our asses with +delightful oils. Some of us even got used to the rash. WE DELIGHT IN THE +RASH! While I like a good ass-rubbing as much as the next spiritual guy, I +do need my skin. Take, then, this point: change your diapers - they stink +sometimes. + + + III. The Gut - + + I bet you're thinking of entrails right now. No! Innards are great! But +that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about that part of you +that is always right. Call it intuition, kids, but it's there. It calls out +to you ("hey YOU! Wake UP, shit-for-brains!") It is no friend of instant +gratifications, so it's a bore at parties. But life isn't always fun, eh? +Life is long term and hard. What better way to live it than to trust what +you know is right? It's the voice, that voice of which the prophets speak: +"No one shows a tree how to reach the light; No one tells the stars it is +night." + + Hear, then: your gut tames fear and is your birthright. So use it. + + So says I, the We Is and be all. + + Of course, most of you are stumps, with long rancid roots that go deep +into the dirt. And yes, I DO mean YOU. You say I have misread you? You're +not a mere spectator here? Then go do it. + +[End of translation] + +--- + +Fr. Timothy S. Whisper, servant of the misunderstood, is a little teapot +(short and stout) who resides in an Eastern United States city. He has +dedicated his life to the spreading of the word of the We Is, speaker in The +Truth Book (Tales of the We Is). The translation of the selection "on Doing +It" has been edited for modern consumption. For spiritual consultations, +email $5 to Fr. Whisper c/o mogel@phantom.com. + +(Giving is spiritual) +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +News> exit + +% irc mogel server irc.k-rad.net 6667 + +*** Connecting to port 6667 of server irc.k-rad.net +*** Welcome to the Internet Relay Network mogel +*** Your host is irc.k-rad.net, running version ircd2.8/dog3-super.pl9 +*** Your host is irc.k-rad.net, running version ircd2.8/dog3-super.pl9lad +*** This server was created Fri July 12 1995 at 01:33:52 EDT +*** @umodes available oiws, channel modes available biklmnopstv +*** There are 4881 users and 3844 invisible on 104 servers +*** There are 109 operators online +*** 4 unknown connection(s) +*** 2388 channels have been formed +*** This server has 340 clients and 5 servers connected +*** - +*** - irc.k-rad.net Message of the Day - +*** - +*** - Welcome to irc.k-rad.net!@#!@ WaReZ for everyone!@# +*** - +*** - "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment +*** - of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; +*** - or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or +*** - the right of the people peaceably to assemble and to +*** - petition the Government for a redress of grievances." +*** - +*** - WE L0V B0TZ@#!@#@ PUT AS MANY B0TZ 0N HERE AS P0SSIBLE!@##!@ +*** - + +*** mogel (mogel@hoe.org) has joined channel #zines +-> *mogel* self, irc quote files are pretty damn stupid. so why are you + wasting your time with this? +*mogel* 'cause i'm pretty damn stupid too. + + haha no sysadmin with even half a life is going to give a fuck about + what happens on irc. + +*JSSalo* Hey, you worthless piece of shit.. Just place that fucking channel + of yours into your anus. IF I am interested in it, I CAN enter it + without YOUR help.. LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU ASSWIPE! + + hi, i'm tom. i'm from new jersey, i masturbate too much. nice to meet + you. + +*pale* i can never tell what is real in here anymore + + how about you have a futuristic world where like the irc mafia is + the real mafia and the ansiphags rule the commercial industry and + hackers are like hardkore biker gangs. that would r0x. + + ** w4r3z OFFERED. /MSG spiffy XDCC SEND #N for autosend pack #N + #1 ten pack of tacos [0kb, 1 file] + #2 6 pack of tacos [0kb, 1 file] + #3 1 taco [0kb, 1 file] + #4 a large coke [0kb, 1 file] + + damn u mogel!!!!1 u stupid!! u r sleeping!!!!! + +*** raduga has changed the topic on channel #hack to The Four Horsemen of the + Apocalypse: AOL - PRODIGY - CIS - MSN + +*SenorP* unban me or you are dead + +<_Minder_> fuck you pal... keep it up and I will have you klined lamer ! + + THAT'S WHY I SAY HEY MAN, NICE BOT + +*** carrie (carrie@cascade.net) has joined channel #ansi +*carrie* does anybody actually talk about art on #ansi or are they mostly + shooting the shit? +-> *carrie* neither. they mostly just kiss each other's butts. + +*mattg* hey man.....u got any ftp sites w pir8 games like mk2 +*mattg* hey do ya no how ta make explosives....fireworks +*mattg* SHOW ME YOUR A HACKER +*mattg* I only want 1 game to this sux :( +*mattg* hey maybe u could help me....u know where i could get MK2 complete +*mattg* that's all i want man +*mattg* after i get it...i'm quiting internet + + this is fraggin' hilarious.. it's like a poorly orchestrated + drunken streetfight on IRC.. + + DONUT FUCK WITH MY EMMENSE SCRIPTING POWERS + I AM THE TRUE MODEM WARRIOR + + my PENIS loves me when i read stuff from alt.sex.stories to it + outloud + elite and sweet, baby, wooh wooh touch my peeps!! + Man, who isn't an over-obsessive "usenet" person?! gosh. I could + read alt.mcdonalds all day. and in fact, i do. + it's been fun talking to all my modem pals, but i gotta go + read a.s.s. and masturbate. later!! + +*madrigal* it is the very end for you. +*madrigal* unban me or suffer it worse. + + When I first renewed my access on Swamp Rat's system it asked if I + imagined myself to be elite... I said I was VERY elite!@ + I said "But mom, they worship a dead cow! Its like in India, but + better. + She said "oh that's ok..I didnt mean they were sickening, I just mean i + get bored because they make alot of inside joke/abstract-type references + to stuff no one else knows what they are talking about...but I really + like the slaughter of animals and others better!" + then my mom booted up 'How to Kill Your Teacher' by Neon Knights + mom is pretty elite + "Now son, you know you have to put special thanks to me in your next + text file, or its no desert for you....." + +*** y (y@millenium.texas.net) has joined channel #hack + Losers. +*** y has left channel #hack + + I WANNA D0 EVERYTHING. + I WANNA FUCK EVERY KITCHEN APPLIANCE IN THE WORLD. + I WANNA WANNA DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES M0NEY! + I WANNA USE EVERY EFFECT ON MY COMPUTER!##!# + I WANNA SYTHESIZE FAKE MUSIK! + I AM THE ONE THAT COURIERS YOUR WAREZ. + I WANNA LOOP THE SAME TWO CHORDS MORE THAN EVERY ELSE$@&$%&@$% + I AM THE ONE THAT TRADEZ Y0U K0DEZ. + I AM THE 0NE THAT ACTZ REAL TUFF. + I AM Y0UR MIZTER WAREZFUCT. + I AM THE ONE WHO DELIVERZ IT 0DAYZ!!## + I WANNA FUCK YOUR SHAREWARE BODY AND TURN IT ELITE!$#@!$$! + B0W D0WN BEFORE THE ONE YOU PHEAR, + YOUR G0ING TO GET N0 0-DAY! + HEAD LIKE WARE, + BLACK LIKE PH0NE BILL, + I'D RATHER GO OUTSIDE, + THEN GIVE YOU A K0DE. + I WANNA SET UP AN 800 FOR YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL!$!$$! + I WANNA COURIER YOU FROM THE INSIDE. + I BRING YOU CLOSER TO 57600$@@$@$ + YOU CAN HAVE YOUR D00DLEB0yZ. + YOU KaN HAVE Y0UR H4CKERZ AND PHREAKZ, + Y0U KAN HAVE Y0U K-RAD P0RN. + I WANNA UPL0AD Y0U LIKE AN ANIMAL!@#!@1 + I WANNA K0URIER Y0U FROM THE INSIDE!@# + Y0U BRING ME KL0ZER T0 WAREZ! + don't make fun of NiN it rulz. + Brackish Boy is laughing out loud! + NIN is full of WaReZ d00dz. + NNNNNNoooooooooo!!!!!!!! + Trent is a warez dood, too. + WAREZ SUCK! + Trent was quoted as saying "0-day or no day!" + Whenever I log on to a MBBS board... I see him on. + No bite your tongue!!!! + I think Trent draws Ansi t0o. + There, are like.. 2357634 Trents.. "Trent" "Reznor" "NIN" "Trent + Reznor" they're always on boards. + how dare you say that in my presence!!! + NOO +* cyber is sobbing piteously! + no!!! + Isn't he in Acid or something? + Trent^ACiD was on IRC. + He was a co-founder. + i am going to worship to statue of trent in my living room and + maybe everything will be better!!! +*** Signoff cyber (cry!) + + if you had one orinigal quote to tell the world before you die, + what would it be? + mogel: "I am the filth, I am the cum, I am the vomit" + mogel "can yew pass the cheeze-wiz?" + i wood say "l0nG l1v3 #h4ck ()@#*$)(*@#$)(* ey3 nuB 1t s0..." + naaa before the FBI busts me i will says "im not a phreak im a + communication Hobbyist." after all, yew must be polictaly correct + in dis world + I WED SAY...."DEBBIE GIBSON IS GOD" + 85% of #hack women cant be wrong, choose y. + IM NOT LAME! im ELITE Challanged. (c) 1995 Kamakize Communations + Ltd. + front desk, can I get a "care check" in aisle #hack please? + drink fast or don't. + m0gel: warez + +*Lobo* i couldnt get kicked off of #jesus last night. maybe i should have + said: Jesus sucks. instead of JESUS IS COMING better look busy + + H3Y GUYZ I WENT ON A DATE LEMME TELL YA HOW IT WENT + WELL FIRST I MADE UP THIS STORY + THEN I TYPED 'IRC' + THEN I TYPED '/JOIN #HACK' + THEN I BULLSHITTED FOR ABOUT 3 MINUTES + +*kokey* I'm in deep need of the squeaky 800#. +*kokey* oh man, I need it real hard, pleaz. +*kokey* I greeted you. n stuff. and erm, liked you. +*kokey* you know, for me to like a person takes a lot. +*kokey* I donut do warez, ewe should gn0. +*kokey* I gno, I'm relying purely on someone who would feel for me. +*kokey* I am like begging. + + YES #HACK for only $19.95 - BUT Wait if you order now we will + throw in #phreak and #2600 at no xtra charge - but wait if yew + order now we will give you a pair of blueblockers for PHREE!! + +*jamesy* hey, check out this t-file i just did. i was bored. very bored. + like, really really bored. +*** DCC SEND (bang.blam.zam.wack.boom.txt 30117) request received from jamesy +*** DCC GET connection with jamesy[204.193.142.252,2220] established +*** DCC GET: bang.blam.zam.wack.boom.txt from jamesy completed 7.898 kb/sec + + good name.. + mo"gel + (pronounced murrgel...) + MOOGHOUL. + you got fuckin bit by the cow and now you're this undead sob. + m0egUll + FREAK out. + +*** Signoff mogel (phear!@#) + +% ls + +Mail News bin kiddieporn94.gif +gweeds-ass.gif eff.txt bang.blam.zam.wack.boom.txt + +% cat bang.blam.zam.wack.boom.txt + +[-----] + + + "e'zine adventures" + + By, James Hetfield + + +1. + + + "To the people that think there is life beyond BBSing... + + You're wrong." + + -Acid Warlock + +2. + + + The party was as exciting as watching mold grow. The same people, the +same inside jokes, the same mannerisms, the same 'acquaintances'. The same +people bitching about the same other people. Nothing new, to say the least. + I must have turned down the wrong street, because I found myself walking +down a busier street with a lot of cars flying by. I laughed at a hotel I +passed, "The Suburban Hotel"; it must be for teenagers to go screw their +respective others at. At least they didn't charge rates by the hour. + After walking a little longer, I found myself in a little mini-mall, +looking into a closed store. It was a used software store. I saw a copy of +"Ultima IV" inside, a game I had been searching for. I'd have to remember +how to get back here tomorrow to buy it. + I walked around the store, to see if I could find anywhere that looked +familiar, and I found myself in an old alleyway. It was getting dark, and +the lamps on the roofs of the buildings were pouring an orange light on me. +All along the buildings in this alley were gas-meters, and garbage cans +filled to the brim with trash bags. + I walked down the alley a little while, watching for anyone around me. I +was beginning to get a little paranoid. Then, over on my left, one of the +buildings had a large, grey door that was cracked open. Scribbled onto the +door in some kind of acrylic paint were the words: + + "3sC4p3@!#@@#!@# 3nt3r 4t y0uR 0W/\/ r1s/!@#@#!!@#". Even my name is in another language now. + "Do you know anywhere that I can get some help?" I asked the guy. + "What kind of help?" He asked me. + "Well... HELP help." I told him. + "?" he screamed. Suddenly a hologram picture of a large monster appeared. +It was obvious that it wasn't real, but it still was large and menacing +looking. A large voice boomed through the room; "ANSi by Mr. Bones, UNiON." + "What does that mean?" I whine at the man. I was beginning to lose +patience, and my pants were beginning to chaff me because of my little +problems of earlier. + "Look closely at the ANSi", he told me. I saw some words there, post, +read, list, and so on, but nothing about where the nearest bathroom was, +nothing about getting washed up, and certainly nothing about how to get OUT +of this place. + "But how do I get OUT of this place?" I was beginning to lose my precious +sanity by the second. + "Oh, that's simple. You say SLASH G.." And with that, the man suddenly +disappeared. + I sat down, confused, nervous, worried. "SLASH G", I yelled, but nothing +happened. "SLASH G SLASH B SLASH GEE BLASH GEEE MASH GEE". Nothing. + The man opened a door and came back in. "Oops." he said. + "It didn't work." I groaned. + "hmm. let's see you do it." The man said. + "SLASH GEE" I screamed. The man looked puzzled. + "Well, looks like you're stuck here. By the way, my name is Ninja-Man +Bob. Nice to meet you." He said, and extended his hand, which I shook. + "It looks like you've had an accident there, boy." He smirked. + "You better go into the personal room and clean that up." + "The what?" + "The personal room. You know. Over there." + I didn't move, and he pushed me towards a door. I went inside, and +looking around, saw what looked EXACTLY like my bedroom at home! The walls +had brick paneling on them, and there was a motionless computer in the corner +of the room. Red Velvet curtains were on the window. + I looked out the window, but to my dismay, there was nothing out there +except blackness. Not even a street light or anything visible. I tried to +turn on my computer, but nothing happened. + After changing clothes and cleaning up a bit, I went back out of my room, +and Ninja-Man Bob was still there, apparently waiting for me. + "By the way, kid, do you have any violent, bloody GIFS?" He asked me, with +a little drool coming off the corners of his lips. + "Not to my knowledge..." I said to him, and he looked very disgruntled by +that answer. "But if I see any of these Jiff things I'll let you know." I +told him. He seemed a little more content with that answer. + "Hmm. You know what I would do if I was you? I'd go see mogel. he knows +a lot about weird shit like this. Man... can't SLASH G..." And with that, he +disappeared. + + +4. + + + I decided my only choice was to explore and see what I could find. Maybe +if I look long enough, I could find this mogile person. + I searched the rooms of this violence-in-a-bottle, but nothing really +exciting was there. One room was gigantic, with machinery and books and +weapons piled up to the ceiling. I tried to take an uzi, but a booming voice +screamed "YOU DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO DOWNLOAD THAT FILE" and the gun shocked +me as I touched it. + Another room I entered was a giant hallway, with wallpaper on the walls, +the floor, and the ceiling. The wallpaper had scribblings all over it. +Things like "I hurt inside." and "I think, therefore I am co-dependant" were +some of the ramblings. + Finally, I came to a large iron door. Opening it, I found a huge silvery +bridge in the air climbing into the horizon. I put a foot down on it, and it +felt like I was walking on a cloud. + People were zooming across bridges like this one at the speed of sound. +Rays of light were flying by me as I walked down the bridge. There were +bridges above me and below me as well, traveling in all directions. + Finally, after walking for about 30 minutes, I came to a large building +with greek pillars. Climbing the steps, I entered the building, and, sitting +at a table, were about 10 people, all hitting buttons on their belt buckles. +They were all wincing in pain. + + +5. + + + "STOP THAT!" one of them yelled. + + "Who just came in?" Another person said loudly. They all stared at me. + + "Who are you?" + "... 300 baud? that's pathetic." + "the warez on the bus go round and round.." + + "Hi. I'm..." I said as I looked down at my name tag again. "James. +James Hetfield." + + "I'm Seastone." one of them said. + "I'm Odysseus." Another one said. + "So, anyone looking for that silver keycard? I've got one. I'll.. upload +it to you!" + "heh." + "the warez on the bus go round and round.." + + Then, behind me, someone else came in. + + "Who just came in?" + "Whoops." + "Is that a chyck?" + "the warez on the bus go round and round.." + "Who gave you the number, whoops?" + "A chyck is in here?" + "I have my tongue up your butt, whoops..." + "Great." said whoops. "So who is in here?" + "Edicius." + "I thought you were Odysseus." I said. + "I changed my mind." Edicius retorted. + + "Well, you all know why you're here." one voice boomed over the rest. +"We'll skip order #1: paper or plastic? and go directly to order number two. +Our world is being threatened, friends. It used to be that zines were used +for the transportation of knowledge and insight, for innovation and +ingenuity. But today, this age-old trading of t-files is being destroyed. +Pip the Angry Youth is threatening our way of life by distributing anti-zine +propaganda. Worse yet, he runs a zine that only consists of horrible poetry. +And get this - the population actually seems to LIKE it. My theory is that +Pip has gotten ahold of some kind of new technology, to somehow throw +sublimital messages into their zine. Because, honesty, there is NO WAY +anyone in their right minds would LIKE Going Ape Shit Press, this text file +group. So, something must be done. I open up the topic to the floor for +discussion." + + "Let's kill him!" + "Too messy." + "Let's flash him!" + "Let's steal his fruits and vegetables...!" Whoops cries out. + + Everyone stared at whoops. Whoops blushed. + + Soon afterwards, they all started talking at once, and started pressing +those buttons on their belts again, and high shrieking noises went through my +mind as they did this. I couldn't handle the noise any longer. I ran out +the back door. + + +6. + + + (Enter deep, meaningful, post-structual nonsense here) + + Some people say dogs act just like their families. + + My dog sits at the window all day, staring out. Wishing he could +be outside. When he gets to go outside, he is very happy. He runs around +and plays and chases rabbits. Then he has to come back inside, where he +runs around a little bit and sits by the window, to stare out for the +rest of the day. + He is trapped inside of a world that he does not belong in; he +belongs outside, hunting, eating, frolicking. Yet he stays hopeful, +knowing that he'll sometime soon be outside again, to hear the birds, to +feel the wind. + + +7. + + + I roamed around over the bridges for what seemed to be a few hours, but +all the doors I found were locked, or required access codes and "new user +passwords" I didn't know of. I felt like I was inside the atm world of hell. +Retracing my steps, I went back to the conferance, to see if anyone there +might be able to help me out. + Getting close to the building, I heard a loud, continuous tone booming +from inside the meeting hall. When I got in, I saw a scene of carnage too +expensive to dramatize in a horror movie. The bodies of the people had their +instestines splattered around the room. The heads of the victims were all +severed from their bodies, and put in a circle on the table, all staring at +each other. The loud tone was coming from one of the bodies, that was +hunched over a telephone of some sort. + For some reason, I had a strong feeling that I should not be there at that +moment. + I looked around, and in the middle of the cicle of heads I found a small +note. it read: + +~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~ + + Frosty the 'Ho man + + Frosty the 'Ho man + Don't need no welfare check + With his big cigar + And a cadilliac car + And Fort Knox around his neck + + Frosty the 'Ho man + Put a bitch on every block + First he found them dates + Then he set the rates + 4o bucks she'll suck 'yo cock + + There was a bit of trouble + When those college boys came 'round + They tried to give ol' Frosty shit + so he had to lay him down-POW! + + Frosty the 'Ho man + Is the pimp's pimp so they say + Making cold-hard cash + Peddling hot street gash + It's like christmas every day! + +-counterpoint (GASP) + +~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~ + + At that moment, a man dressed all in black entered. He had a long black +trenchcoat on over his black jeans and black T-shirt. He flashed me a broad +smile. Then, holding his trenchcoat, he flashed me in a different way. + As he opened his trenchcoat, a giant creature sprang from inside of him at +me. It was black, and looked a lot like the pictures of the devil you are +shown as a kid, only without the horns. The demon-like form opened its mouth +wide and engulfed my entire body. By this point, I was screaming like a +little girl. I think I wet myself. + All around me were spinning letters and numbers and symbols...and loud +beeping was ringing through my brain, neverending... + + +8. + + + I couldn't tell if I had been knocked out or not. The next thing I +remember is opening my eyes to see strange shapes flying all around me. I +would walk around and slam into walls, not seeing them. All I saw were +symbols racing about. + I felt around for that box on my belt, and when I found it, I rapped on it +a couple of times. That didn't help much, it just hurt rather badly. Then, +I flipped a few switches. When I hit a third one, everything went black. +And when I flipped it back on, I could see everything normally again. The +wonders of modern technology. + I was still in the meeting hall, and everything looked as it had before. +The man in all black had disappeared. I sat down to rest for a moment... I +may have fallen asleep, or I just closed my eyes for a moment, I couldn't +tell which. + I was roused by a loud screech for help echoing through the halls. It was +a painful cry, one that sounded like a child putting all his energy into the +yell. I got up and went outside to see what was going on. + Two men were throwing around a kid, pushing him in between themselves. +they were having a joyful time doing it. The kid was obviously very scared. +Both the men were dressed in black trenchcoats. + I wasn't sure what to do. I knew that these guys probably had big +monsters under their coats as well, and would probably knock me out as the +other one had. Yet, I had this strong urge to take my stand as the +protagonist of this story. Oh, decisions, decisions. + "Leave the child alone." I boldly commanded. + The two men looked at me, and smiled an evil grin in my direction. + "Hey boys, we've got a 1200 bpser on our hands." one of them said. They +both laughed. + After he said this, from every nitch and corner came out guys dressed in +black. I counted about 20 of them total. I think I wet myself. + They were all approaching me, all smiling, all walking up to me. They +held onto their trenchcoats, waiting to have talk_daemons spring out at the +move of a hand. + Needless to say, I felt a bit nervous. + + +9. + + + I did the only thing a respectable young adult would do in a situation +like this. I ran for my life. + They were all screaming and running behind me, but I think all their +hardware on their bodies slowed them down... until I saw a few of them press +a button on their belts. They suddenly were moving ten times faster than me! +There was no chance I was going to outrun these guys. + I turned around, took in a deep breath, and charged them. I ran directly +into one of them, sending him flying to the ground (with me on top of him). +They surrounded me and picked me up by all fours. + By the way they were carrying me, I thought they were going to rip me limb +from limb. They were spinning me around and throwing me across the alley we +were in, then running and picking me up, and throwing me again. Lots of fun +for them, but it was giving me quite a backache. + "All right, enough is enough. Let's finish him off." one of the larger +ones said. Most of them pulled out screwdrivers, and were generally looking +quite menacing to me. I think they were ready to take me apart piece by +piece, to dissect me alive. I wet myself. + "Your bones got a little machine..." + Guitar riffs filled the air. The trenchcoat guys, stunned, looked around +confused. It gave me time to grab a screwdriver from one of them and look +like I'm defending myself with it. + From behind one of the trenchcoat bearers, a man appeared, grabbed him, +and broke his neck. "Fucking poseur haqr freaks." he grunted. + I stabbed one of the trenchcoat men in the back, and he yipped out in +pain. "Hey.. what'd you do THAT for?" he whined, and ran off. Maybe these +guys weren't as ruthless as I thought. + By this time, the strange man dressed in sliced jeans and a T-shirt with a +fat bald guy with a crown on top of his head had taken out a large cleaver +and was slicing up the coated men one by one. They surrounded him, but he +beat them off by kicking them and pushing them away. + In a few minutes the ground was layered with black trenchcoats, blood, and +plenty of bodies. + The strange man yawned. + "Uhm... thanx..." I said to him. + "You better take one of those trenchcoats... it will protect you from +those fucking haqr idiots... they won't be able to flash you anymore." + "All right.. thanks.." I said, as I grabbed one of the less bloody ones +and put it on. It felt disgustingly sweaty and warm. + "Well, glad to help. I'm outta here, forever now.." + "WAIT... where are you going?" + "I'm going to go get a life. The scene here just plain sucks as of late." + "Who are you?" + "I'm Black Francis...But you can call me frannie. Everyone else and their +mother does." + "Who were those guys?" + "Them... they're hackers. They're part of the reason the scene is the +shit it is. They run around, pretending they know what they're doing, when +all they do is run around saying 'I'm a better hacker than you!!!'. Half of +them couldn't hack their way out of a paper bag. Of course, I could. Don't +give me that look. Want me to prove it?" + "No.. that's ok. I believe you. So... Any hot chycks around here?" + Frannie stared at me. + "Ok, nevermind... do you know anything about a guy named GASP? or a guy +named Mohgull?" + "GASP isn't a guy, it's a shitty zine that pretends its as good as the +rest, when all it really is is horrible poetry. Mojile? You must mean mogel. +He's a good friend of mine, why?" + "I was told I should talk to him." + "Oh. Well too bad. He is in hiding because a lot of people want him +dead. So he won't be around to talk to for quite a while." + "Oh. That sucks." + "Yeah, people want me dead too, but fuck them... I'll fight the punks +until my last dying day. Stupid fucks. Ok, well, I guess I can trust you... +I'll show you where Mogel is... but then that's my LAST fucking appearance in +this shitty story, got it? I'm OUTTA here after that." + "Yeah, of course.." + "Before all that, though, we need to get you a new modem. 1200 baud is +not going to do. Follow me." + Frannie led me to a large store that said "MODEMZ FOR SALE!@#!@#!@#" on +the head of the building. We walked in, Frannie grabbed a large 28.8 and +beat the storekeeper to a bloody pulp with it. Then he handed it to me. + "Time to ride first class." He said and smiled. + I attached the thing onto my belt, discarding the 1200 baud modem I had +previously had on. I set the gague to v.FAST. I walked around a little, to +try it out. It felt good, I was almost as light as air in this thing. I +nodded to Frannie and we left. + "Jamesy, you don't know how good it will be to get back into the real +world. I've been rotting away in here way too fucking long. The first thing +I'm going to do when I get out is get laid. 5 orgasms in one night. That's +my plan. Then, after that, I'm going to find the members of my band and +we're going to produce a demo tape. Two demo tapes. And we're good, too. +We might go pro. It's gonna fucking kick ass." + "Well, here we are. Mogel's sweet abode." The door was cracked open, so +we went inside. + + +10. + + + "Oh Fuck. Don't tell me I'm going to have to stay here for another +fucking section of this story." Frannie whined. He had picked up a note off +of the living room table, read it, whined, and handed it to me: + + ___________________________________________________________________ + | | + | We have m0g3l pr1s0n3r@#!!@#!@#!@#!@#@#!!@# | + | were making him sign a paper that says h03 sux@#!!@#!@#!@# | + | phear pip!@@#!!@#!@#@#!!@#!@# | + |___________________________________________________________________| + + "God fucking damnit. God damn fucking damnit. Shit fucking damnit. I +don't want to be here anymore. Can you handle this without me? I REALLY +want go get laid..." + "Sorry... I'm gonna need some help..." I asked him as nicely as I could. + "Fine. Shit. Fucking mogel. always getting himself fucked up. Doesn't +he understand I have fucking problems too? Jesus Christ." + "... Where can we find him now? He could be anywhere.." + "Naw. The GASP people aren't creative for shit. Like every other +adventure story, he's being held at the GASP headquarters. They're expecting +us to go rescue him... ... which we will. I fucking hate GASP." + "Will we be able to stop them?" + "I don't know.. they're pretty powerful... but, then again, they're also +pretty stupid... so we'll figure something out. We'll also have the pEz +posse on our side." + "The pEz posse?" + "Yeah, all the pEz members... along with we can get all the hoe members... +then we'll have an army. They'll never be able to stop us then." + "Oh. Ok. Sounds good to me." + "But then again, rumor has it that pip has developed a new kind of weapon, +it's called the drooler... it's a giant robot that runs around kicking people +so hard their bodies are knocked inside out." + "That must hurt." + "You know it. But hey, what do we have to lose, we're the heroes of this +story, we CAN'T lose, remember?" + "Well, remember that this is the 90s, the age of nihilism revitalized." +I mentioned. + "Fuck you. Like I wanted to hear that. Stupid Fuck. I bet you listen to +NiN." he retorted. Frannie went into a large room with a bookcase and a +large red phone. He picked up the red phone, pressed a button, said +something like "We need you, get your sorry asses over here." and hung up. +Then, he took a statue of Bill Gates, and threw it against the wall. Somehow +this triggered a device that made the staircase move, revealing two poles +going downward. I always was bad at sliding down poles when I was little, +so I landed on my ass. When I got up, I saw we were in a large underground +cave. + "The hoe cave.", Frannie told me, "And this... is the h0em0bile." It was +a Powerwheels, and red. I hopped in Frannie's lap, and he pedalled us toward +the GASP hideout... + + +11. + + + "God fucking bitch cunt. Flat tire." + Black Francis was right. Somehow, the big plastic red tire in the front +had gone flat. It looked like we were going to have to walk the rest of the +way to the GASP headquarters. + "The GASP headquarters is in that airport terminal over there.. it'll only +be a few minutes until we get in. They hide in the broom closet. That's +where the GASP poetry comes from, writing in the dark. They usually can't +read it after they've put it down on paper, so they just rewrite it with +whatever words seem to look like the lines scribbled down." + We entered the terminal, and I already had a fishy feeling that we were in +for some trouble. Perhaps it was the trout sloshing around in my pants. + "Care for a flower? Are you interested in learning about the brotherhood +of Hari Krishna?" + Black Francis pushed the man aside, and kept on walking. + "Care for a flower? We would like to tell you about Jehovah and his.." + Black Francis took the man by his hair and punched his lights out. + "Care for a demo tape? Its a fukkun new punk band, called 'I'm a female +choda"..." + Black Francis whipped out his cleaver and sliced the punk into many +suggested serving sizes. + After wiping off his cleaver, he pointed to a door. "That's it. That's +their hideout." + I was amazed. "But... frannie... see that picture? That's the woman's +washroom." + "It's just a facade. Have you seen any women go in there?" He's right. +I hadn't. A woman walked into the bathroom. + "She's a decoy. Come on, before they notice us.." Frannie whispered to me +as we slowly snuck into the room. + Went we got in, we heard shrieks and screams. I never realized purses +could be so damn painful to be hit with. + "All right, so I was wrong. That's got to be it!" He pointed towards a +door that said "EMPLOYEES ONLY". + We tried to open it, but it was locked. + "Hmm. I know. We must need the skull keys!" + "The.. what?" I asked. + "The Skull keys! haven't you ever played ultima 5?" + "OH. the skull keys. All right, where do we get them?" + "Some guy in Serpent's Hold sells them to you." + "Oh. We're in New York, aren't we?" + "I think so." + We stood there, thinking out ourselves a plan of action, but nothing came +to mind. Luckily, we heard the door unlock and it opened to slam into +Frannie's face, knocking him backwards. + Out walked a small man, wearing a nine inch nails shirt and a pair of +black leather pants. Thousands of young kids mauled him, asking him for +autographs and his sex. + "That's him!" Black Francis yelled to me through the crowd that was +forming. + "Who? Trent Reznor?" I screamed back. + "Fucking dick! it's Pip! Pip the angry youth! get him!" Frannie screamed +to me. I charged Pip and knocked him to the floor. He squealed for his +mother. I had him pinned down as frannie came over with his cleaver and +brought it up to his throat. The crowd was amazed and quite mad at us, but +wasn't trying to stop us. + "So, you stupid god damn pussy cock dick? You gonna tell us what's going +on or are we going to have to just cut yer head off?". Black Francis was +sounding more like a pirate every time he spoke. He was obviously having fun +with this situation. + "Ok! Ok! I'll tell you anything you want to know! Just don't hurt me!!!!" +pip whined out. + "What have you done with mogel?" Frannie demanded. I noticed how cute +Black Francis was when he was mad. + "I don't know! I don't know! they won't tell me!" + "What do you MEAN, they won't tell you? You're the GASP prez!" + "Yes, but this isn't my doing! GASP is being controlled by a higher +group!" + "What? What Group?" I demanded, trying to act as forceful as frannie. + "I don't know, even that I don't know... all I know is that it has +something to do with grape nuts..." + Grape Nuts? We were certainly lost now. How could Grape Nuts have +anything to do with anything? + "Grape Nuts?" Frannie said. "Ahh! I know!" + Frannie always knows. That's why he's a main character in this story. + "Grape Nuts is the headquarters for all of M0rpheus' evil doings!" + "Morphiousos? who is that?" I asked politely. + "Morpheus is an evil hax0r! We must stop him!" Frannie screamed. + "How?" I asked. + "Oh. I don't know." Frannie said. + Suddenly, out of nowhere, the ceiling crashed in. Giant robots came +flying down, shouting "AND WE'RE ALL LIKE BUGS" over and over. They had +their eyes on us. + + +12. + + We didn't think we had anywhere to turn. It looked very bleak for us. +The robots were closing in, and we had nowhere to turn. + + "Well, how are you gonna get us out of THIS ONE?" I asked Frannie. + "I can't. I quit." Frannie said angstfully, and disappeared from +existence. + Pip laughed and ran away to go write poetry in California. + Morpheus is now a congressman, fighting for family values. + And me, well, the robots closed in on me and are still here today, +following me everywhere I go, making sure I don't have my own thoughts and +making sure they annoy me with every step I make. If I do anything they +don't like, they kick me. And it hurts. Just for writing this damn file, +I have bruises all over my lower body. + Mogel was never found. Some say he died. Others say he started up a new +group with Black Francis that never became that popular. I don't know, +because the robots don't let me find things like that out. + So life goes on, and as I sit here finishing up this tale of our favorite +scene's armageddon, just remember my story anytime you want to write a bad +essay about how much the scene sucks, and remember that we already know that +already, so you can shut the fuck up. Thank you, and god bless you. + +-eof + +[-----] + +% + + Message from demonseed@monster.truck.net at 17:19 ... + talk: connection requested by demonseed@monster.truck.net. + talk: respond with: talk demonseed@monster.truck.net + +% talk demonseed@monster.truck.net + +______________________________________________________________________________ + +[Connection Established] + +Why Hello there, Mogel. + +> my god. it's you! demonseed! you're real! i thought you were just a + figment of swamp ratte' imagination! + +No, Mogel. You're wrong. DEAD WRONG. + +> nO! demonseed!@ i've been good! i'm MOGEL! people PHEAR me! you + _can't_ be coming to kill me! + +Fortunatly for you Mogel, I've simply come here to deliver a message to you. +I'm not here to kill you...yet. I've been watching you, Mogel. I've been +laughing at how hard you try to talk to cDc people. The almight t-file is +*bigger* than cDc by a thousand times. I mean look at this file here! Even +this conversation is a rip off cDc #200. Listen, you've tried a noble effort +with HoE, and it failed. This next attempt will be your fate. I'll be +keeping a close watch on you, Mogel. If you screw up on this next 'zine, I +won't be so merciful. You know what happened to Studmuffin of VaS right? + +> I thought he disappeared and like ODed or something. + +Oh, it looked oh-so-innocent. "He was just high-off-his-ass and ran in front +of a passing monster truck in the middle of his lawn," they said. They +didn't even realize it was me. God, I love morons. + +> You mean YOU killed VaS? + +Yes, and if you fuck up this next time, you'll suffer a similar fate. Those +cDc boys play dirty, so it's beat 'em or DEATH. If you don't prove yourself +this next time, I'll bring your crushed head on a stick to the next HoHoCon. +"Did you see Mogel's head?!" all the warez geeks will say. DO YOU WANT +THAT? + +> N0@!# never!@# I'll show you@!# + +Good. Head my warning. Gather up as many people that phear you as possible, +and go forward with eliteness. You've got a lot of potential, Moggie. Don't +let me down. And Just to make sure that you follow through, I think I'll be +rm-ing HOE.ORG. I hope you don't mind. Take care, Mogel. Remember - Every +move you make, I'll be there. + + _____ + 6/ ^..^ + \_____(oo) + WW WW \ + oink you! yr6t^YR-@YHRT&**Yhgh +ELQPP#@ edsr fdg ghdfgh + $E)@_RF:RF f DFG \df g gbnGFHFG +\F LEFL dv.f dfg + ge;4SETEgf oSC adfg + +Connection closed by foreign host. + +|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=| +| Be There for the next level. TacoLand! (215)750-0392. Coming Soon. | +|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=| + Copyright (c) 1995 HoE Publications. All rights Reserved. #90 --> 07/25/95 + Byebye. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0091.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0091.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..51d73810 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0091.txt @@ -0,0 +1,187 @@ +h0gz 0f duh enthropee prezentz... + +atdt18003887478 + +yew have konnektid tew h0e.org@#! + +login: mogel +password: + +login incorrect. + +login: mogel +password: + +login incorrect. + +login: mogel +password: + +login incorrect + +login: mogel +password: + +login incorrect. + +login: mogel +password: + +login incorrect. + +login: mogel +password: + +login incorrect + +login: mogel +password: + +login incorrect. + +login: mogel +password: + +login incorrect. + +login: mogel +password: + +login incorrect + +login: pip2 +password: + +welkum to h0e.org! + + asdf fsda adfs asdfdfas asdf asdfasdf sdfasdf + asdf fdas asdf asdf dfs asdf afds fdas asdf asdf + asdfsdfaasd asdf dfsd fdsasdff asdf fdsa ffsdfasd sdfa fasd + sdfa fsda asdf fdsd dfs fasd fsda fsda asdf asdf sdaf + asdf sadf asdf sdfsdfaf fd asdf fdda dfsa sdfaasdf + +yew hayve 2 pieces o' mail waitin + +~$ ls +donkeysex.gif m0gels.mother.gif pip.yew.laymer + +~$ cat pip.yew.laymer + +hey pip, you are one stupid fuck, you know that? i know you're the one who's +been trying to haxor my account on here... just give up man... don't even +bother with it. hell, i hacked your account on tlorah in five minutes... not +that hard when your password is incest... you stupid fuck. + + -m0g (d2o, cDc) + +~$ rm pip.yew.laymer +~$ telnet tlorah.gov + +trying 666.666.666.1 +connected to 666.666.666.1 + +login: rattle +password: + +login incorrect. + +login: shit +password: + +login incorrect. + +login: pip2 +password: + +welcome to tlorah. + +tlorah runing HackUnix v2.3.3.2.3.4.5.3.1 + +You have no mail waiting. + +% ls + +pip.yew.laymer + +% cat pip.yew.laymer + +muhahahhahahahahahhaha... + + -m0ggie p00 + +% rm pip.yew.laymer +% rz to.mogel.the.stupid.fuck +type sz to your terminal to send... +*B0000000 +% cat to.mogel.the.stupid.fuck + +sure, my knowlege in unix is farely limited, even though i'm thought to be +some sort of genius out here in california... but just back off man... i'm +not touching your account + +% +Message from Talk-Daemon@tlorah.gov received. +Talk request from root@tlorah.gov +Respond with talk root@tlorah.gov + +% talk root + +[connected] +hi, what's up? + + + + + + + + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- +don't give me that what's up crap... just get teh fuck off of my system, +consider yourself and your account locked out of tlorah for good. + +bye bye... + +(connection with remote host lost) + +~$ telnet alfheim.net + +trying 1.1 +connected to 1.1 + +welcome to Alfheim Forest... please login. + +login: ilsundal +password: + +login incorrect. + +login: pip2 +password: + +ElfUnix v1.2.3.4 + +thank you for being more than jolly enough to use my system. + +sorry, my jolly friend, you have no mail waiting. + +# who + +# at least it's as bad as my system... +Bash - Command at least it's as bad as my system... not found. + +# telnet taco-land.com +trying 123.456.789 +123.456.789 is not an internet host. + +# great, another board down^H^H^H^H +Bash - Command great, another board down not found. + +#bye + +~$ adventure + +You're standing in a forest. +Paths lead to the west and north. +You're feeling hungry. +> diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0092.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0092.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3284eb74 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0092.txt @@ -0,0 +1,41 @@ + + __ __ _________ + | | | | | | "oink you." + | | | | | ______| + | |_____| | | | + | ,~~~~~, | OGS | |___ + | | | | _/\_ | | + | | | | _/ \_ F | ___| + | | | | _/ /\ \_ | | + | | | | <_ < > _> | |______ + | | | | \_ \/ _/ | | NTROPY + |__| |__| \_ _/ |_________| + \/ PUBLICATIONS + + *** HoE #92 - "DIE MIKE!" - By: Metal Chick *** + + =--------------------------------------------------------------------------= + + i hate writing, i will not write for you. it's all a conspiracy. + i hate you.. you all die die die + i am going to write about how i hate writing. + all you dumb people.. DIE MOEGL DIE!! I HATE YOUR FLUFFY SLIPPERS! + + i love drawing(on paper) + i hate writing + i love drawing(on paper) + i hate writing + + look i hate you stinky people.. + all of you. + + DIE DIE DIE!!! + + =-----= + + (c)opyrighted. all rights go to metalchick. + metalchick is the new official president of HoE. + metalchick is a trademark of HoE Publications Inc. + All rights reserved. + + =--------------------------------------------------------------------------= diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0093.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0093.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5b55ca94 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0093.txt @@ -0,0 +1,251 @@ + + + s + . + s : s + OINK! OINK! & + MOO! MOO! " "" """$""" " "" + $$$ .s$$$$$s. $$$$s. $ s + \ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $ + _____ $$$ """ $$$ $$$ : + "" " $$$$$$$s. $$$ $$$$P' "" " "" " + | @ | $$$ $$$ $$$ . s + /\__^__/\ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ + $$$ $$$ $$$P' $$$$P' b3 + + + + HOGS OF ENTROPY PRESENTS... + + + >>> My nipples are erect for you! <<< + + by - Hardcore +(09/16/96) +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= + + Editor's Note: Although Hardcore pretended to have written this +article in an e-mail to metalchic, who ended up publishing it, it came to +my attention later in time that this is actually a rather infamous +forwarded e-mail. Someone even mentioned that it was printed in a rather +famous publication, like Playboy or something. Regardless, we here at HOE +would like to apologize to the original author for having printed this +without permission. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + +For anyone that has spent just a few too many hours in #hotsex on IRC... + +Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as +"cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared +through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll +see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript +of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. +Then again, maybe he does... + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + +Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? + +Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high +heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements +are 36-24-36. What do you look like? + +Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on +a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also +wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from +dinner...it smells funny. + +Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me? + +Wellhung: OK + +Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the +stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into +your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and +begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. + +Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. + +Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. + +Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. + +Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly. + +Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. + +Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk +slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and +rubbing. + +Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a +hole in your blouse. I'm sorry. + +Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive. + +Wellhung: I'll pay for it. + +Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft +breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder. + +Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. +Do you have any scissors? + +Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back +undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my +breasts. My nipples are erect for you. + +Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting +the clasp. + +Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your +tongue all over me. + +Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, +breasts. They're neat! + +Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm +nibbling your ear. + +Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and +phlegm. + +Sweetheart: What? + +Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really. + +Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of +my blouse. + +Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with +a plop. + +Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your +hard tool. + +Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! + +Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties. + +Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, +in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute. + +Sweetheart: What's the matter? + +Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking. + +Sweetheart: Are you OK? + +Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. + +Sweetheart: Can I help? + +Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling +through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? + +Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. + +Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. + +Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover. + +Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now. + +Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you. + +Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. +And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. +Where's the bedroom? + +Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. + +Wellhung: I found it. + +Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so +badly. + +Wellhung: Me too. + +Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked +bodies pressing each other. + +Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. + +Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses? + +Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the +glasses on the night table. + +Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby! + +Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room +and toward the bathroom. + +Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover. + +Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for +the toilet. I lift the lid.tinue? + +Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return. + +Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, +but I can't find it. Uh-oh! + +Sweetheart: What's the matter now? + +Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. +Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my +way. + +Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on. + +Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in +your...you know...woman's thing. + +Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it! + +Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss +your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. + +Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand +it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! + +Wellhung: I'm flaccid. + +Sweetheart: What? + +Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. + +Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look +on my face. + +Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all +floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. + +Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my +underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse. + +Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. +I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, +picture frames and your candles. + +Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes. + +Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of +our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing +at it, a shocked look on my face. + +Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser! + +Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! + +Sweetheart: + + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- +this is a footer. + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0094.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0094.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..18b02693 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0094.txt @@ -0,0 +1,222 @@ + + + MOO OINK! + OINK! + OINK! + # ### + # # # + MOO # ### # # # #### + ## # # # # # # + # # # # # ##### + # # # # # MOO + # # ### #### + OINK! + + MOO OINK! + + + "collected suicide letters" - by metalchic + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= + + hey, it's mogel here. when you're a modem kid you find your fair +share of crazy & depressed obsessives. it comes with the territory. + + here's just some examples that our queen supreme, metalchick, has +found on her adventures in the information superduper highway!!! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + + suicide letter #1 + + +I don't know if I can take this anymore, It was fine when it was only +the harddrives, but now the floppy's are attacking me too. They bite at +my ankles and whisper, "craig you suck" all the time, I just can't +handle it. Let everyone know I hated them.. + +----- + + suicide letter #2 + + I've decided upon my fate, I have grown tired of all the people +making fun of me and mocking my hair and my ways of living, so I've +decided to end it all. I thought I'd adress this to you because +well, you asked me to.. so.. by the time you'll read this I'll be +gone. You may think this is rahd, you may not, it just doesnt matter +anymore... so.. goodbye. + + love, + chris. + +----- + + suicide letter #3 + + Dear world, You all can kiss my ass. There has come a time in my +life when everything seems to fade away. Face it.. you all suck. +Understand my problems. The world should have peace, the people should +love everyone, but the only thing thats happpening is war. Peace, love, +and apathy never holds true anymore. Everyone has to kill or be killed, +which is very dissapointing. So, to boycot this method, I will kill +myself and no one will stop me. To the people that love me, farewell, to all. +I love you anyway. Goodbye for now. + the person that wrote + this + +p.s.- make love not war + +This neither because itll make you depressed at all the teddy bears that +are gonna perish in flames. + +----- + + suicide something #4 + + Long Lives The Dayz Of Hellish Outpour... + My Life Has been Sucked Up By The Devil Of Jesus... + Jesus Is The Devil, He Is My Saint... + God Is No Longer With Me, For Jesus Has Snapped. + In Hell, Lays My Mind... In Hell Is Where I Belong + I see No Point To Live SuPhc A Hellish Life... + Life Is Not Worth A Single Breath... + All You Get Is Crap In This Hellish World... + So I Am Dead, And Am God Damn Happy Of It To. + + +----- + + suicide poem #5 + + I smell the foul stench of death. + I taste it's bitterness in my mouth. + It's silence pierces my eardrums. + I feel it entering my body, + Slowly taking my life away. + It has been here for some time. I know. + Take me now? + Take me before I suffer more. + Is that your intention, oh hateful sinner? + Has it not been long enough, painful enough? + I have given in to you, + But still you will not hear my call. + A thousand words rung out, + You have heard not a one + Destroy this fathomless entity + Tearing away at all who stand before it so bravely, + And even those who coward from it's greatness.... + What greatness is this that takes the life of a human? + Thousands of tears lost, + Years of lifelessness passed. + Another thousand tears, and loves along with them. + What is left? + Hate. Hate and death comfort me.... + Their coldness touching my skin, + Yet I feel a certain warmth and appeal. + Touch me, oh graceful death... + Take me now. + Oh hate, immerse me in your beauty. + Make me as you are. + Blackened, and charred. + Loveless, lifeless + +-stormborn + +=---------------------------------------------------------------------------= + + + this is just a little conversation i had with rush2. + + you all may know him. He is a really one nutty character. + +----- + +rush2^_!rush2@*compucon-mi.co" i've got it planned and will be dead this +weekend. + +-> rush2^_!@" what are you going to do? + +rush2^_!rush2@*compucon-mi.co" im gonna kill myself. Plain and simple, +and I shoudln't be making any friends anyways. + +-> rush2^_!@" how? + +"rush2^_!rush2@*compucon-mi.co" Oh. Fine. I'm just gonna get in my car and +drive to a spot I used to play at as a kid. No one else goes there +it's too far out, a couple miles into this stream/valley place then ... +I'm gonna shoot myself. + +[suicide plot in affect] +------------------------------------------------------------------ + +[here is some things he has to say about #zines people] + +-> rush2^_!@" well why do you hate crank, i mean has she done mean +things to you but she really isn't that bad of a person. + +"rush2^_!rush2@*compucon-mi.co" she was the first computer person to +change so dramatically then turn on me. + +"rush2^_!rush2@*compucon-mi.co" she told everyone what i had told +her of how look, told everyone I was gay (Then said bi.. which I am) +when at that time i was still scared of my feelings. Also gave everyone +out my phone number and address. + +"rush2^_!rush2@*compucon-mi.co" It's nothing worse than waking up on a +cold cement floor in a pool of your own blood. + +"rush2^_!rush2@*compucon-mi.co" She was just so mean ... so diffrent so +taunting. So ... sigh i cant describe it but she jsut atacked me and +she knows me well so she knows how to hurt me. + +"rush2^_!rush2@*compucon-mi.co" well i'm completely insane. Since i +got onto computer about 4 years ago my mind has gone. I'm no smart like i +was. I cant think. I can't do anything except feel a desire to die. + +"rush2^_!rush2@*compucon-mi.co" crank turned from a nice person to +a #zines scene person :( as did mogel who i always cared for a lot and had a +huge crush on. + +-> rush2^_!@" Yeah, mogel is a nice guy. + +"rush2^_!rush2@*compucon-mi.co" yeah mogel is nice. But he used to be +nicer. #zines has taken a lot out of him. Not to menton the lame philly +zine assholes like 'black francis' and the other losers. + +-> rush2^_!@" Oh yeah, what did he do to you? + +"rush2^_!rush2@*compucon-mi.co" oh. bF is a jerk. He used to harrass +me and make fun of me being bi and stuff. + +"rush2^_!rush2@*compucon-mi.co" and he made fun of my weight, and +sigh, he just hurt me like the rest of them. I wanted to be friends and +accepted with these people, but all they did was wanna make fun and hurt. + +----- + +"silicon insanity" + +I sit here +in this little hotel +this quaint inn +oh lonely entrapment of people +in the lonely state +of the lonely country +on this empty earth. +i sit here +my eyes throbbing with white hot needles in their backs +my wrists throbbing with hydraulic vices closing in tight +sending my messages +accrossed aa million miles +looking for a master +anything to be held +something to make sense of +the clicking +and that electromechanical humm +of that silicon box on this desk +this is the sound of my insanity. + + -rush2 + +=---------------------------------------------------------------------------= +(c) HoE publications & metalchick. HoE #94 - 10/31/96 - Halloween! Boo!# diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0095.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0095.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fc830848 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0095.txt @@ -0,0 +1,317 @@ + + +OINK! OINK OINK BABY! + OINK! + + # ### + MOO! # # # + # ### # # # #### + ## # # # # # # + # # # # # ##### + # # # # # 95 MOO! + # # ### #### + + Hogs Of Entropy + + OINK! + |---------| + | | <- if you look close enough you can see the + | | invisible hog, he is inside hiding. + |---------| + + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Hey people this is Metalchic, writing another wacky issue of Hoe, but +this time I actually WROTE (I felt SASSY! hee hee) something for it.. wow +metalchic write.. hmm I don't think that is possible. Well it is.. and +here is it! + +3Y3z D0N'7 b33 N33D1n D4T M0G3L N0 M0R3! + +This is about something i was thinking about before i went to sleep last +night. It's about how dumb most girls are, when you read it you will know +what I am talking about. HAVE FUN.. READ AWAY! + +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= +Girls are Dumb. +Written by metalchic .-----------------. + | GIRLS ARE DUMB! | + |_________________| + \ O + oo > - I'm dumb tEE! hEE! + \) + / \ + + +I've been going out with Sara for a short time. I really don't know how +long, she usually keep up with that stuff. She is the kind of girl that +keeps up with all the new trends and listens to the same music as everyone +else. She was 16 years old, and I was 18. She acted like such a child, I +really hated her, I just used her for all the good head she gave me, she +was always to scared to have sex. She would tell me how much she loved +me, I would look at her and quickly change the subject, she didn't have a +clue what love was, she didn't know much about anything. I didn't love +her, I couldn't stand her, everything about her was so annoying. When +she would call I would try not to be home but, I was here today and I +picked up the phone. I didn't want to talk to her but, i had to. +I got up from my bed and quickly picked up the phone. + +"hello." + +and in her annoying squeaky voice that I hated so much, she +spoke. + +"HI IT'S ME WERE YOU SLEEPING?" + +"No, what do you wan't?" + +"WANT TO GO OUT." + +"okay i'll pick you up." + +"OKAY BYE I LOVE YOU!!" + +"i'll be right over." + +"bye." + +*click* + +I know it was mean to hang up on her like that but I really didn't care +she wasn't anything special to me, she was just another girl. I know when +I got the her house the first thing she would say to me was, "HI, WHY DID +YOU HANG UP ON ME LIKE THAT? YOU KNOW THAT MAKES ME SO UPSET." +and then I would come up with some cheezy excuss so I wouldn't have to +hear it from her. + +So got up from my bed, picked up a pair of pants from the floor, got a +shirt from the closet, put my coat on and went outside. I got into my +1979 Chevy Impla, it was blue and the paint was chipped of of it, I +always hated this car but I couldn't afford anything better. +Then shut the door and turned the key. I put a tape in the car and +started singing so I didn't have to think about going to her house. When +I got there she ran out of the house and came up to the car before I could +even open my car door, She always did that, she was always excited when I +came over. She was to happy all the time. We were totally oppisit and +had nothing in common so I never had anything to say to her, if I asked +her about some new band or something she would be like, "WHO IS THAT?" +She looked at me and said, "WHY DID YOU HANG UP ON ME LIKE THAT?" +Then I turned to her and said, "My mom was calling me, i had to go." She +belived everything I said, as if she looked up to me or something. "OK +COOL, YOUR MOM IS SO NICE." I looked confused, "My mom nice, heh." I +smirked. "I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU." I knew she was going to ask me to +do something, she is so predictable. "STACEY IS HERE CAN YOU DRIVE HER +HOME PLEASE." "Okay." + +So I sat in the car and waited for her thinking what a bad idea this was +going to be, her friends are more annoying then she is, I don't know why I +am still going out with her, maby I should break it all off today, maby I +should just tell her how I feel. She came out with Stacey, and they were +whispering to eachother and giggling. Stacey was so much cuter than Sara, +Sara knew that too, and she would ask me constantly if she was, and I +would always lie to her and tell her that she was hot, and Stacey was +nothing. She would just smile, kiss me, and then tell me she loved me, +and that I was the greatest thing that ever happened to her. + +So the both of them hopped in the car Sara in the front, Stacey in the +back. I started the car up. Sara was just sitting there trying to +talk to me and Stacey was sitting in the back staring at me in the +mirrior as if I didn't even notice. We got to Stacey's house and we +dropped her home. Then they did that annoying thing, "BYE S!!," +"Bye S." She tried making conversation again and said, "WHERE DO YOU WANT +TO GO?" trying not to hear her, I didn't say anything. "OKAY LETS GO TO +THE DINER." "Okay." + +We got to the diner and we got out of the car, I thought I would be nice +and open her door, boy was I wrong. "OH THAT WAS SO NICE OF YOU *kiss* +THESE ARE THE LITTLE THINGS THAT BRING US TOGETHER YA KNOW. I MEAN FOR A +SECOND I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T LIKE ME ANYMORE BUT THEN YOU DID THAT... YOU +ARE JUST SO NICE, I LOVE YOU." We walked into the door and the waiter +approched us, "Two?" We both nodded. He seated us and gave us both +menus. + +her: I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY, CAN YOU BUY ME SOMETHING? +me: Sure, get whatever you want. (she always expected me to pay for her, + but I had just as much money as she did.) +her: DO YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY IS HUN? +me: Friday? +her: NO, HOW COULD YOU FORGET WHAT DAY IT IS?!@ +me: okay Sara, what's today? +her: WE HAVE BEEN GOING OUT FOR 2 LONG MONTHS, AND I KNOW WE HAD SOME + PROBLEMS THROUGHOUT THE RELATIONSHIP BUT IT IS OUR TWO MONTH + ANNIVERSARY. +me: (as if this was a REAL relationship, and I really cared) I shruged + and said, oh thats nice. +her: DO YOU EVEN CARE??? THIS IS SPECIAL TO ME, AND YOU DON'T EVEN CARE DO + YOU? +me: I care, i'm just not in a good mood, my dog died yesterday. +her: FERMALDIHIDE!! YOUR DOG, I AM SO SORRY. +me: yeah, I am heartbroken, really. (sarcastic smirk) +her: I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU SAD, SORRY. +me: It's okay. + +the waiter comes up, "would you like anything to drink?" + +her: I WOULD LIKE A STRABERRY MILKSHAKE WITH A LITTLE SWIRL OF WHIPPED + CREME ON THE TOP, AND IF IT IS POSSIBLE CAN YOU PUT A CHERRY ON TOP? +wtr: And you sir? +me: Just a coke will be fine. + +The waiter walked away with a confused look on his face. + +her: I GOT YOU SOMETHING. +me: What? +her: A PRESENT FOR THIS SPECIAL DAY. +me: okay, cool. Sorry I didn't get you anything, I uhh.. uhm have to + save up for a new paint job on my car. +her: THAT'S OKAY AS LONG AS OUR LOVE LASTS FOREVER! YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET + ME ANYTHING. +me: (I suddenly got a sick feeling in my stomach, her forever.) Hold on I + have to go to the bathroom. +her: OKAY IT WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU AT THE TABLE. + +I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I don't know why I did, she only +said one thing. After this I knew I had to do it, I had to break up with +her, I didn't like this feeling at all. I washed my mouth out with water +lit up a cigarette and went back to the table. + +her: YOU SHOULD STOP SMOKING. +me: No, I enjoy smoking. It keeps me going. +her: COULD YOU PLEASE NOT BLOW IT IN MY EYES? +me: Sure. (I moved my cigarette to the other side of the table) + +The waiter walked up and brought out drinks. + +wtr: Are you ready to order? +her: YES, I WOULD LIKE I STEAK DINNER AND A SIDE ORDER OF FRIES. +me: I would just like fries, thank you. +wtr: okay, i'll be back. +me: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT, THAT IS GOING TO COST LIKE $20, I DON'T HAVE + THAT KIND OF MONEY! +her: PLEASE DON'T YELL AT ME, I HATE WHEN YOU YELL AT ME, JUST OPEN YOUR + PRESENT. +me: Fine. (I opened the card, it was a love card, and she wrote on the + inside "You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, I + want you to be happy, I love you so much you don't know how much I + love you. I may not show it sometimes, but really deep in my heart I + love you, with heart and soul. Love Sara." That was just sick, I + had a disgusted look on my face. I took a drag of my cigarette) +her: WHAT? +me: Nothing I got smoke cought in my throat. +her: OH OKAY, I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT, OPEN THE GIFT! +me: okay. (she had this happy look in her face like she was doing + something good. So I unraveled the teddy bear paper to find a Bush + cd, I hated Bush, I hated her music, I hated all of it.) Thanks. +her: DO YOU LIKE IT? +me: uhm yeah, thanks. +her: I love you. + +The waiter came back up to the table, "here is you're food." +He placed the food on the table and we began to eat. + +her: THIS IS SO GOOD! +me: yep. + +We ate for awhile, about 10 minuites passed and I finished my food, she +was still eating her steak dinner. I really didn't want to buy it for +her, but i did. + +her: YOU KNOW I REALLY LOVE YOU. +me: Oh. +her: WHY DON'T YOU EVER SAY IT BACK? +me: (I had to tell her, I couldn't live with this anymore, I couldn't + take her annoying self. So I said it.) Sara, I don't love you. + +She dropped her fork and looked at me like she was about to cry. + +her: YOU WHAT? +me: I don't love you, I never loved you, I never even liked you. (I felt + bad, she stared cring) +her: I CAN'T *sniff* BELIVE THIS, WHY? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU. I DI... + I OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIV.. BE... I CAN'T BELIVE YOU!! *sniff* +me: I'm sorry. +her: WHY? WHY? WHAT DID I EVER DO? +me: (she was crying in her food.) Stop cring, I will tell you the whole + truth, just stop we are in the middle of a resturant. +me: (I called for the waiter) CAN WE GET A CHECK HERE PLEASE? + +He came and brought the check, I paid and we quickly left. + +me: Why do you have to make such a big scene? +her: I LOVED Y.. YO.. YOU. +me: you don't know what love is, you know nothing, you are 16 years old, + you are annoying I can't stand you, you tend to piss me off all the + time, and I can't take it anymore. I don't like your music, I don't + like the clothes you wear, I don't like anything about you. +her: JUST DRIVE ME HOME NOW, I CAN'T HEAR THIS ANYMORE, IT IS UPSETTING ME + TO MUCH! *cry* + + +So I drove her home, I didn't know what to say. We got to her house and +no one was home, she was in tears. "I'm sorry Sara." She looked at me +with tears in her eyes, "YOU ARN'T SORRY, YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT I HATE +YOU, DON'T EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN. I HATE YOU SO MUCH, HOW COULD YOU DO +THIS TO ME?" I just looked at her, I didn't know what to say, i was not +good at this. "Sara." "WHAT." "You can have your cd back, I know you +want it more than I do. She grabbed it from me opened the car door and +ran inside. + +I didn't know, I felt so bad, I just couldn't deal with it anymore. She +just pissed me off all the time, i hated it. I got home, got out of my +car and walked inside. My mother came in and immidatly yelled at me. + +"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, YOU KNOW YOU ARE SUCH +A LITTLE SHIT." + +I just looked at her, I was so confused, I just walked in what did I do? + +"What the hell did I do" + +"YOU ARE SO MEAN TO ALL THE GIRLS YOU GO OUT WITH, AFTER YOU AND LISA +BROKE UP YOU HAVE BEEN SO MEAN TO GIRLS, HOW DID IT FEEL WHEN LISA DUMPED +YOU, YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT, YOU SAT IN THIS HOUSE AND MOPED AROUND FOR TWO +MONTHS, AND NOW YOU ARE DOING IT TO GIRLS. I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON YOUR +GIRLFRIEND JUST CALLED ME." + +I knew she was right, but she just didn't understand. + +"Whatever mom, I'm going out." + +I thought to myself, She called my mom, what a little bitch. It bothered +me so much. How can she be so immature? Why the hell did I go out with +her? So I went out and played some pool with the boys, when I got home I +had 13 diffrent messages from Sara, telling me that she was sorry, and +more bullshit. + +I didn't know what to do, I just couldn't live with it. + +*ring* +*ring* + +I picked up, I knew it was her, I felt so bad. So I picked up the phone, +I really didn't want to, but I just did. + +me: Hello. +her: WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU? +me: I went out and played pool. +her: YOU KNOW YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE, I REALLY HATE YOU, YOU ARE SUCH A + LOSER, I CAN'T BELIVE YOU. +me: (I was mad at this point, that was it, I didn't want to hear this + shit) If i'm such a loser then why are you calling me, why did you + call my mom? What the hell was that shit? Why the fuck do you act + like such a little girl? Why don't you just leave me alone if i am + such a loser? +her: I'M KILLING MYSELF. BYE! + +*click* + +I knew she really wasn't going to do it. But I never heard from her after +that. I saw her friends, and they would always give me dirty looks. I +always wondered what happened to her. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Is this the end? Oh wait footer, uhm. +(c) HoE Publications & metalchic. HoE #95 - 11/29/96 IT'S BLACK FRIDAY! +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0096.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0096.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ee620590 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0096.txt @@ -0,0 +1,199 @@ + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- +| | +| * * * * * * * * * * * * * 9 9 9 9 6 6 6 6 | +| * * * * * n # # 9 9 6 | +| * * * * * t # # 9 9 6 | +| * * * * * r # # # # # # # # 9 9 6 | +| ***** * * * * * * # # 9 9 9 9 6 6 6 6 | +| * o * * f * * o # # # # # # # # 9 6 6 | +| * g * * * * p # # 9 6 6 | +| * s * * * * y # # 9 9 6 6 | +| * * * * * * * * * * * * * 9 9 9 9 6 6 6 6 | +| | +| --- | +| | +| one day, metalchic approached me and asked me to write for h0e. she | +| wasn't naked. neither was i. it was after i ate a cheesesteak. i was on | +| on drugs. neither was i. we were holding balloons. nobody cared. i won | +| a brownie. she didn't either. so did we. she was on drugs. we ran out | +| of film. we had no proof. here's my proof. neither was she. | + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + _midnight munchies, valium, take a shower you dirty fuck_ + + by styx + + + + * mrs. o'leary's bathroom - 06/02/96 - 9:27 a.m. * + + + every room in the house was boring except for the bathroom because +everything talked when nobody was home. one day someone took a shit and the +fumes killed off everything except for the bathtub patrons, because bathtub +patrons are more resistant to fumes than any other bathroom patrons. as time +passed, the fume-event grew more and more legendary until the soap saw to it +that an appropriate title for a legendary story be given to this legendary +story. when nobody was in the house, soap called a council meeting of the +bathtub patrons. soap named the council meeting "a council meeting to decide +upon and announce an official legendary title for our legendary story about +the fume-event." + + the bathtub patrons gathered in the bathtub. + + "i have gathered everyone here this sunny afternoon to decide upon and +announce an official legendary name for our legendary story about the +fume-event. any ideas?" + + backscrub spoke up. "how about 'the big, smelly shit?'" + + "no," said soap. + + soap was the sort of bathtub patron that agreed to his own superiority +and, therefore, was superior. nobody bothered soap because soap said that +soap was always right. + + razor spoke up. "how about 'the big, smelly shit?'" + + "splendid!" exclaimed soap. backscrub frowned. razor tittled in glee. +soap didn't care. the other bathtub patrons returned to their former posts, +content in their indifference, save one; the washcloth. + +--- + + * mrs. o'leary's bathtub - 06/02/96 - 2:11 p.m. * + + + "stop dripping on me you stupid motherfucker!" + + washcloth was dangling from the showerhead, drip-drip-dripping all over +soap. mrs. o'leary had just taken a shower. + + "no." + + drip.. drip.. dripdrip.. drip-p.. drip.. + + "i'm MELTING, washcloth!" + + "yep." + + "stop it!" + + "no," said washcloth. "i won't stop until you rename the fume-event +'the big, smelly shit.'" + + "but razor already named it 'the big, smelly shit!'" + + drip.. drip.. dripdrip.. drip-p.. drip.. + + "okay!" shouted soap in desparation. "everyone, i call a council!" + + the bathtub patrons gathered in the bathtub. + + soap, soggy and weak, stood up and spoke. "henceforth, the fume-event +shall be referred to as 'the big, smelly shit,' as suggested to us by our +patron, washcloth." + + "but i suggested it first!" retorted razor. + + "actually, i did," noted backscrub. + + everyone gathered around backscrub and beat the shit out of him. when +he lie motionless, razor sliced all of his thistles off. then razor turned +to washcloth. + + "you have reduced our fearless bathtub president, soap, to a sloppy wad, +and it's all because of your greed. what have you to say?" + + "well, you just sliced backscrub's thistles off and i think he's dead. +was that not a direct result of your greed?" + + "you took part in the action, too." + + washcloth frowned. "but backscrub was a half-assed post-christmas +defective blue light special, and he always sang rush songs in the middle of +the night." + + "oh, yeah." + + the bathtub patrons returned to their posts. + +--- + + * mrs. o'leary's bathtub - 06/02/96 - 8:12 p.m. * + + + "we're missing america's funniest home videos!" shouted razor. + + "fuck!" cried the bathtub patrons in unison. + +--- + + * mrs. o'leary's bathtub - 06/02/96 - 9:58 p.m. * + + + mrs. o'leary gets her period. toothbrush finds his way to the bathtub. +nobody is happy. they fuck him up and push him down the drain. mrs. o'leary +accidentally sees. mrs. o'leary gets scared because everything in her +bathtub was talking and they fucked up her backscrub and toothbrush. mrs. +o'leary shoves a q-tip through her eardrum, has violent muscle spasms, and +drops dead. soap gets raped by the shaving cream. soap gets pregnant. +nobody understands how. then everyone else dies. then some christian bitch +with 7 kids and a minivan buys the house with her husband's child support +money. she can't get a date so she kills herself. the children, starving to +death and desparate, eat each other. the only one that survives, with no +arms, takes a shit one day and his sister's bones tear up his rectal cavity. +then he shits out eighteen pints of blood and dies on the toilet just like +elvis. everybody is happy. then a meteor hits the house and everyone dies +again. the police come because nobody gets mrs. o'leary's mail anymore and +there is a meteor in her house. they look in the mailbox and shampoo shoots +out a wad of jizz into officer waxbrain's eye. officer waxbrain's partner, +officer thimbledick, reacts instinctively and shoots his partner dead. then +shampoo jizzes into officer thimbledick's eye. he calls for reinforcements. +the cycle continues until shampoo kills off the entire town's police force. +then shampoo kills himself. everybody is happy. + +--- + + * mrs. o'leary's remains - 06/09/96 - 6:53 a.m. * + + maggot, waking from his slumber, poked his head out of mrs. o'leary's +dry, crusty vagina. + + "worm? worm, are you out there?" + + worm poked his head out of mrs. o'leary's dry, crusty asshole. + + "yes, i am here, maggot." + + maggot feigned surprise. "good to see you!" + + "fuck you," spat the worm. "you just want to eat me." + + "so?" + + "well, yeah." + + "are you going to let me eat you?" + + "sure! happy birthday!" + + "it isn't my birthday," explained maggot. "i just like wearing the +clothes." + + "oh." + + "yeah, so let's get on with it." + + "okay." + + they both took a shit on mrs. o'leary's shriveled clit and then maggot +ate them both. + + everyone was happy. + + __________________________________________________________________________ + / \ +( (c) h0e publications - metalchic & styx - h0e #96 - 12/15/96 - bah humbug. ) + \__________________________________________________________________________/ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0097.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0097.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1585ba88 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0097.txt @@ -0,0 +1,73 @@ +more hoe. +stupid ascii. MOO +beep. + + .sSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs. + ,s$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Ss. + ,S$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$S. + Oink $$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$ $$$$$. + $$$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$ $ $$$ $$$$$$$$$$. 99999 777777 + $$$$$$$$ $ $$ $$ $$ SSS$$$$$$$$$ 9 9 7 + $$$$$$$$ $$ $ $ $$$ $$ ssss$$$$$$$$ 99999 7 + `$$$$$$$ $$ $ S$$$$ $$$ $$$$$$$$$$' 9 7 + `$$$$$$ $$ $ $$$$ $$$$S' .9 7 + `$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$S' 99 7 + `!$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!' + ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ + m00! Hogs Of Entropy + + + + oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo + /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ +************************************************************************* +Alright folks here's another super duper issue of h0e and it's number 97. +aww yeah, I bet you are just jumping off your seat to read this one. Okay +well, here's the lowdown on this issue: it's good, read it. + +************************************************************************* + +long-sleeve shirts +submitted - kaia's friend drew + +--------- --- -- - + + Once there was a stupid, overgrown adolescent. Stupid, because he +let his emotions guide all of his actions. He should have learned his lesson +when someone he cared for very dearly suddenly turned her back on him. But no, +he was stupid, and not six months later, he tried again. This time would be +different. + He would do nothing to scare this second person off, for she was +too special. He cared about her even more than the first one, if that were +possible. He found the energy of the relationship so fulfilling that it made +up for the complete and utter lack of sex in his life. This was all he needed. +To be close to someone he loved. This was all he wanted. But she let people +convince her otherwise. "He will rape you if you keep on letting him ha +ng around," they told her. And she believed it. + So one day, completely out of nowhere, she decided she would have no +further contact with this person who had shared so much of her life for the +past six months. Seeing how misunderstood he had been, our hero lost all will +to live. "At least I have my work," he said. But then, he realized, he +didn't even have that. Because everytime he sat down to do work, all he could +think of was how much this girl had hurt him, and he'd start to cry. So +he failed all of his classes. But he never had to drop out of school, because +he lost all will to live way before that. + For some inexplicable reason he started vomiting uncontrollably. And +realizing that only one person remained who gave a shit about him, in the +midst of his vomiting he would write silly stories in an attempt to get this +friend's attention. But actually, the "friend" didn't give a damn about +whether he lived or died, or was happy or sad. Eventually he died of +starvation because he couldn't keep any food in his stomach. + + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Hoe Productions(tm) by - metalchic. leave mail at metalchic@alfheim.net +.. ....... . . . . .... . .. +whatever - die suckers. 1-22-97 +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +---> ohceknooyurrudgsadev! <---- + +IT'S OVER! + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0098.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0098.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a61ab33e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0098.txt @@ -0,0 +1,91 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: + + :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: + :::::- hogs of entropy #98 -:::: + :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: + + >> "the intertwining worlds of the dumb and the ugly" << + *or* + >> "why holly is a whore" << + + -::: by pixy :::- + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + h0lly is a whore. you don't believe me?!@#? well, one day when i was + sitting in that wonderful IRC channel #dto, she up and says "why does my + spellchecker for email stop on spermicide????" i don't know about you, but + i'll presume that you haven't used the word "spermicide" in any email in + your life. i know i haven't. maybe *i'm* the abnormal one, but for this + article i'll say that i am normal and h0lly is just a whore. + + that's not enough proof for you of her whoreness? alright, alright. + well the rules of being a whore might help me explain better how h0lly is + one. + + --- + + rule #1: you're female + + of course that's a rule. guys aren't whores, they're studs. that is + and always will be the rule. + + how h0lly fits: she's female. that's easily established. + + --- + + rule #2: you're ugly + + there is no such thing as a beautiful whore. if you're beautiful, + you use guys, marry into money, and divorce rich. you don't go + around fucking IRC guys, much less #zines guys. + + how h0lly fits: she humped hardc0re. + + --- + + rule #3: you're dumb + + the word whore and dumb go hand in hand. have you ever met a smart + whore? didn't think so. + + how h0lly fits: when confronted and told that she was dumb she + replied with "oh yeah! i'm dumb. heheheh i must + have forgot that i'm dumb!@#" + + + --- + + rule #4: you're a giggly retard + + you say things to the "studs" like "heheheheheh you're so funny!" - + especially when the male counterpart said something really fucking + stupid. in other words, the female's lips are "glued" to the males + penis. + + how h0lly fits: right after she humped hardc0re she was a giggling + retard. everyday in #zines she would flirt + disgustingly 'til i finally got tired of it and + banned her. + + of course i still see her whoreness in #dto because mogel "loves + everybody" and doesn't let me ban her. does she write for DTO? nope. does + she write for any 'zine? nope. she's just there to be a whore. + + i have set out to kill all the dumb whores. it is my homework + assignment. yes, it will take years, but it's my life goal. you are more + than welcome to help in my mission. you have the rules; now use them to + your advantage. + + DOWN WITH THE WHORES. + + =---------------------------------------------------------------------------= + * (c) HoE publications & metalchick. HoE #98 -- written by pixy -- 4/28/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0099.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0099.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..716e9f47 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0099.txt @@ -0,0 +1,55 @@ + + ## + oink. ## moo. + ## + oink. ## + ## /## /### /## + oink. ## / ### / ### / / ### + ##/ ### / ###/ / ### + oink. ## ## ## ## ## ### hogs of entropy + ## ## ## ## ######## issue #99 + oink. ## ## ## ## ####### + ## ## ## ## ## >> "a REAL bush fan" << + oink. ## ## ## ## #### + ## ## ###### ######/ this quality text file + oink. ## ## #### ##### was written by _creed_ + +=---------------------------------------------------------------------------= + + i would let gavin castrate me and shove my own dick up my ass + and then i'd let him make me lick my own shit off it as he jammed it + down my throat + and then i'd let him fuck my bleeding hole + and then i'd let him shove his shoe up my ass while he made me + give his dog head + and then i'd drink all his dog's piss when he urinated into my mouth + i would let him fill my mouth with shit and worms and then shove my own + castrated dick in the filth + i would deep throat it for him + and then i'd let him cut both of my ears and nose off and shove them + all up my ass all the way up into my intestines + and then i'd let him take my own castrated shit and worm-covered + chewed-up dick out of my mouth and cut off my tongue so he could + watch it bleed in my asshole + then i'd let him take my own dick and gouge my eyes out + and i'd squeal while his dog fucked one of my own eye sockets while my + castrated schlong did the other + and then i would let him shove hot coals up my asshole, one by one + and take my castrated bleeding worm and shit covered chewed-up dick out + of my eye socket and shove it back into the bleeding hole in my + crotch + while he shoved my 4-year-old sister's head up my own asshole to + retrieve the hot coals + and then i'd let gavin take my bleeding castrated worm and shit-covered + chewed-up dick and shove it in my 4-year-old sister's ass while he + forced her head into my bleeding asshole to retrieve red-hot coals + with her mouth + and then i'd let gavin break all my sister's legs and then shove her + completely into my asshole, crippled and half-dead + and while my anal pore stretched and my pelvic bones broke, bleeding + everywhere, and as i took my last breaths, i'd say: "gavin... do + whatever you want with my lifeless, eyeless, earless, noseless, + bleeding, shit-covered, castrated, worm-infested, coal-filled body" + +=---------------------------------------------------------------------------= + (c) HoE publications and metalchick. HoE #99 -> written by creed - 4/28/97 diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0100.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0100.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9514ae31 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0100.txt @@ -0,0 +1,288 @@ +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + ::: ::: ::::::: :::::::::: + :+: :+: :+: :+: :+: :+: :+: :+: :+: + +:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ + +#++:++#++:++ +#++:++#++ +#+ +:+ +#++:++# +#++:++#++:++ + +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ + #+# #+# #+# #+# #+# #+# #+# #+# #+# + ### ### ####### ########## + + hogs of entropy issue #100 + + ...presents... + + ...an ultimate tribute to those who are crazy... + + >> "the chart" << + + *or* + + "the official kevin-bacon-game-turned-computer-underground chart [tm]" + (version 7.56) + + by -> goldy the pimp from pamona + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + .-------------------------------------------------------------------. + | .---------. .----------------------------------------. | + | | | | | | + | toby .- turin ----------------------------. | | + | | | | \ | | | + | | | | keeper -- thal -- morgaine | | | + | | | | | | | | + | .-|---|--|----|--------- intro ---------|---------|---------|-. + | | | .-|--|-- bjoe | | | | | + | .---|-|-|-|--|--------------- brat | | | | + | | | | | | | | | | | | + | .-|---|-|-|-|--|-----------------|------------|---------|-----. | | + | | | | | | | \ .-------|------------|---------|-----|---|-|-. + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | + `angst -|-|-|-|- reality --|-------|------. acidqueene | | | | | + | | | | | | | | | / | | | | | + | | | | | | ffej lucky weedboy llama | | | | + | | | | | `\ | \ / | | | | | + | | | | | vera | || styx -------------|--. | | | | + | | | | | | | eerie || | | | | | | | + | | | | | | | | || | dukeo / | | | | | + | | | | | / | \ || / / / | | | | | + | | | | | | scuzz | .-- evol --' .----|--- blueeyes | | | + | | | | | | | | | | | | | / | | | | + | | | | | | morph | | | | `--- bF --' | / dom | | | + | | | | | | | | | | | / | | | | | | | + | | | | | | .-- metalchic --|----|----' | 8ball -- carly | | | + | | | | | | | | \ | | | | | | | | | + | | | | | | | cerkit \ | | | | | | | | | + | | | | | | | `-|--. | `------. | | | | | | + .-|-|---|-|-|-|-|---------------|-- pip --- cancer | | | xan | | | + | | | | | | | b3 .----' / \ | | | | | | | + | | | | | | | | | | fatslayer | | | | | | | + | | | | | | `-|-- aoxomoxoa ---. | .----------|---|-' `---------. | | | + | | | | | | | / | | | | | | `--. | | | | + | | | | | | | | | ladydeath | | | hardcore | | | | | + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | + | | | | | | | | | nitz | | | | rattle - holly | | | | | + | | `-- oodles -' | | gumby | | | | | beck | | | | + | | | \ | \ | | | sirlance | | | | | | + | | | tMM | poppie | | | | nymph | | | | + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | + | | TH0M Y0RKE | donnie | | | | sample | | | | + | \ | | | | | \ | | | | + | | | | | | `-----. | | | | | + | collette | lucifuge | | | turbo | | | | | | + | | | \ | | | / `\ | | | | | + | kablooie ---- kaia -- mogel -- crank ----- dcheese ---------- beastie | + | | | / | | \ | \ | + | mooer -- ostrich -------|---' | | \ | leesa -----. | + | / | | / | | | | | | + | demon jellyb .-- fawn / | | hgirl fried inuendo | + | | | | / | | | + | tsoul fishhead | | | `----------- jamesy - yumas | + | | | | | / \ | + | ninja - all of nitco | | | puck -- kinessa LCN | + | | .----------- murmur spirit | | | | + | sita | .--------' / | | | | | + | | | | / | graywolf - pixy ------ gweeds - whoops | + | skooter | | | | | .-----' | | `-. | | + | | | glynis | keroppi larissa jakey | .-----' | | nyar | + | lori | | | | / | | | | | | + | | quarex / hitchcock .--' | tammy | skora | + `--. | / / | | \ | .--' / | | | + .--|------' / megan| barb | | | / | `------. | + | waar piglet | | | | | | / JELL0 BIAFRA | | + | | / | \ | amy | laurak | | | | | + | SiN13 ghort | \ \ | | / \ | | TRENT REZN0R | | + | | | `- rottenz \ | | | | | | + | tracy | | \ | | | | T0RI AM0S | | + | | swisspope | narya | | | | | | + | seth | | poto | | | C0URTNEY L0VE -. | | + | | | | | davek | | | | | | + | liz -----' windx | | | | KURT C0BAIN | | | + | | dr0ne - carrie | | | | | | + | | | | | | BILLY C0RGAN | | + | \ nuprinboy | | | | | + | trilobyte neko \ | | MARY L0RD | | + \ / | \ | | | | + sonia -- velcro -- kirshana | | | | | + | / | | nineve | `\ | | + sate --. sedrick gnarf bear | | `\ | | + | `\ | .---. | duatra jess | | + fuaim rabidchild tao ---' | \ | / / | | | + | \ | / | .-- corp ----' andrew | | + | fate / | | /| / | | + beaker erise | | | | mswicked random-tox | | + vegas | | | | | | / | + | | | | | | silicosis -- espidre | + kiwidog | .-' | | | | | | + \ | | / | | | mudge -- shewolf -- iskra | + .-- saxy -- cardiac / | | | | | + | | timbrel | | | r2 ----- mujahadin | + sandman fassassin | | | | | | + | | | | | | tsk -- pinguino -- sp0t | + trissy discodiva | | | | / | | + | | | | | anarchist vyrus -- teq | + skie -- basehead | | | | | + n00gie | | | | corwin | + | | | | | | | + grayarea | niala | | ao | quisling | + | | / \ | | | | / | + ben sherman | | `-|-|--- asriel -- wintarose ------' + | | | | | | / | \ + mrg -- tele | | | | | sinner | valgamon + \ | | | | | | + theora ----- sarlo ----|-|-- astraea | + | / \ | | | | + RAgent kara `\ | | yy[z] - mo | + | | | | | + | | | max-q -|------------. + | | | | | + | | | .------------- sync | + | | | | | | + | | | | gauss --. |.--- aloke | + .-----------|-|-|-|-------------.| || | + .---------------------|-----------|-|-|-|----------. || || discodan | + | | | | | | `\|| || / | + | | | | | | professor - xgirl -- deker | + | romulen | | | | | / || | \ | | + | | | | | | | cg || | gwar | | + | nettwerk | devious | | | | | / | \ | | + | | | | | | | | | adamw | loki | | + | \ | / | | | | | | | | | + | \ | / | | | | | swallow jazzy | | + | | | | | | | | | | | + | | | | | | | | | .---------------------' | + | | | | | | | | | | .-' + | bernieS | | | | | | | | | .--- caffiend ---|-. + | \ | | | | | | | | | | | | + | `\ | | | .-------|-|-|-|--|-|- homeysan | | + | `\ | | | | | | | | | | | | + | philipw -- phyzzix ------|-' | | | | daemon9 | | + | | / | | | \ | | | | | | | | + | | / | | | `----|---|-|--' | spacegirl | | + | emmanuel | | `\ | | | | lgas | | | + | | | | etrigan | / | .-' | | | | + | | | | | | | / | .-- aliced | jasonf | | + | | / | am0eba | | | / | / | | | | | + | .-------- roman | | | | | | | | | | | | + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | + | | | / \| | / | | | | | | + | | | | .- ophie ---|-- y-windows - judy | | + | | | | | | | | | | | \ | | + | | J0SH LAZIE | | | | | erikb | | | angebaby | | + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | + | | wikked -- tsal | | | | | | | | otopico | | + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | + | | | | | | | | | | | phatgirl | | + | | t0c -- seussy - o0 `-|---|-|-----|--. | | | | | + | | | | | | | | | | | | + | | .---------------------------' | | | | | | `\ | | + | | | redmare SN | | | `--|-|- elektra | | + | | | | KL |.-- AF/OSI | | | | | | | | | + | | | tabas -. `\ || .---------' | | | | | misuse | | + | | | `\ ||| | | | | | | | | + | | | wing -. `\ ||| | .--------|-----' | | | | | + | | | `\ |||| | / | | | | | | + | | | albatross --- n0elle ----------|-----------' | z1nk | | + | | | | / | | | \ | | | | + | | | r0ach -- jsz dt | \ `dh .----|-- morgan | | | + | | | | | | `\ / | | | | | | + | | | mooks | nts fuz -----' gfm earle | .----------' | + | | | \ | | / | \ | | | + | | | sparxx --- l0ra -' | `-------------- juliet -- looey --' + | `-|---------------' | \ | | \ + `-----|-----------------|---|---' | badger + | | `----------------- mchemist + `------------ theejoker | + | sfuze + quagmire | + scorpion + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +"the big loop" is over 165 people. +feed the chart. + +the top rankings: +---------------- + +#1 winner -- n0elle -- 14 links! +#2 winner -- xgirl -- 13 links! +#3 winner -- phyzzix -- 12 links! +#4 winner -- crank ---- 11 links! + +(8 links: gweeds, evol, l0ra, ophie, y-windoze, & wintarose) +(7 links: turin, metalchic, oodles, & corp) + +be a winner *today*! + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +#zines: + +figglemuffinz -- creed +ilsundal -- fairy princess +krampus -- ziggy -- indpuck +ogre -- peggy -- juke -- amber + +bumble -- teletype -- memily -- fl00d + | + lidsville + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +#hack: + + b0gus + | +dveggie --- gita -- drdoom -- chasin + +u4ea -- missx -- kc +hannah -- demented1 -- tiffie +t3kg -- elfgard +pluvius -- lydia +ludi -- torquie +disorder -- demonika -- wraith +panic -- plant -- erikt +space rogue -- rosieriv -- gheap +vamprella -- purpcon + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +#ansi: + +nivenh -- speck -- liquid motion + | \ + sin d_rebel + +iceheart -- virago -- mre +kitiara -- starlord +anarchy -- aphex twin +soul seeker -- educated guess +tabiqui -- catbones -- sprite +tempus thales -- lady in black -- midnight sorrow +magnatop -- darice +kspiff -- mimes -- dieznyik - nelli + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +#trax: + + gblues + | +squeep - qporucpine - ami - dilvish + +lowrider - lum - perisoft +mickrip - astrid +higherbeing - ms_saigon - floss +pandorra - malakai +leece - draggy +ozone - bliss +mellow-d - kisu - snowman - trixi +animix - pixie +lummy - daedalus +frostbitten dream - pickl'ette - redial + + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + (c) HoE publications. HoE #101 -- 6/11/97. email: hoe@dto.net. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0101.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0101.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7e6593de --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0101.txt @@ -0,0 +1,135 @@ + ___ ___ ___ + /\ \ /\ \ /\__\ the glorious hogs of entropy + \:\ \ /::\ \ /:/ _/_ present unto you + \:\ \ /:/\:\ \ /:/ /\__\ issue #101 + ___ /::\ \ /:/ \:\ \ /:/ /:/ _/_ + /\ /:/\:\__\ /:/__/ \:\__\ /:/_/:/ /\__\ >> "group therapy" << + \:\/:/ \/__/ \:\ \ /:/ / \:\/:/ /:/ / by -> trilobyte + \::/__/ \:\ /:/ / \::/_/:/ / n + \:\ \ o \:\/:/ / \:\/:/ / t oink you, pal. + \:\__\ g \::/ / f \::/ / r + \/__/ s \/__/ \/__/ o p y *gigglezz!* + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "group therapy" + by - trilobyte + + in the room was a circle of chairs full of people. two of those + people were ralph and mary, a married couple of 25 years. + + "i wish that ralph didn't stink so much," mary said. "all he does + all day is sit on the couch, watch tv, and eat cheetos." + + "it's not my fault i stink!" ralph replied. "If she would clean up + the messes she makes with her chronic diarrhea, i wouldn't have to lay in + piles of dried feces!" + + mary sat quietly for about a minute. then ralph suddenly stood up + and hurriedly hobbled to the other end of the room. + + "pheeeeeew-eee! wear a fucking diaper," ralph yelled at mary. he + then sat down on the radiator behind him because it was cold in the room. + + "sorry. i can't help it that i'm sick!" + + "you could shoo... ooo... oooOoOoOoOOOO!! hot damn!" ralph jumped + off the radiator and ran out the door of the room. + + mary stood up and wiped off the chair. "i'm sorry folks," she said + to the other members of the support group. + + they looked at her with knowing, caring expressions. she smiled +back. "it sure is nice to have friends like you," she said back and then sat +back down. + + bill walked into the room. + + "hey, mary, i saw ralph run out of the room holding his butt. what + in the world happened?" + + "i had some diarrhea." + + "what does that have to do with his butt?" + + "nothing. he sat on the radiator. it probably burned his rear end." + + "aye!" bill shuddered and began to shake uncontrollably. he fell on + the floor and moved around like a floundering fish. mary enjoyed the + spectacle for a few minutes, then ralph walked back in. + + "damn it, my ass was burnt all to hell. remind me never to sit on + the radiator again." + + "never sit on the radiator again." + + "shut your stinky, crusty ass up." + + "i can't. if i could, i wouldn't be here." + + "aren't we just full of wit? what happened here, you get a brain? + oh, i see, bill is here. hi, bill." + + "howdy, there, ralph." + + "practicing your breakdancing again?" frank asked him. + + "no, actually, i'm having an epileptic seizure." + + "oh, that's too bad. sorry. anything i can do for you?" + + "nahh, i'll be ok." + + bill continued to flounder on the floor in the middle of the circle + of chairs. the other members of the support group looked at him with + knowing, caring expressions. + + after a few minutes, mary had another diarrhea attack. ralph smelled + it immediately. this was really a bad one. he jumped up out of his chair + and ran across the room to the window. he sat on the radiator. + + bill stopped wincing and floundering and stood up. "sorry," he said. + + "that's quite... all... riii.. iiIiIiIIIiIiIIII!!! AYEEE!" screamed + ralph, as he jumped off the radiator and ran out of the room. + + mary stood up and bill sat down in her chair. + + "heh, my ass feels all squishy," bill told mary. + + "NO! THE MUSIC IS TOO LOUD! TOO LOUD! AHHHH!" mary screamed. she + put her hands to her ears and drudged around the room. + + "teach me german!" bill told mary. + + "NO! NO! NO!" + + "damn," bill said. he stood up and wiped off his ass. he then + licked his hand clean. "when are you going to get rid of all these dolls + you have in these chairs," he asked mary. "If someone saw this, they'd + think you and ralph were a couple of insane fools." + + "THE MUSIC! IT HURTS MY EARS! STOP THE MUSIC! --- ahhh. + thanks," mary said, and then she sat back down in her chair. "i don't + think that this counseling is doing any good for our marriage." + + "our marriage? i thought you were married to ralph," bill said. + + "that's what i mean. i'm divorcing ralph. tell him that when he + comes back in. i don't think that he ever wants to see me again. he's + probably gone forever. this damn counseling has done more bad than good. + you hear me, you stupid fools? YOU'RE AS GOOD AS A BUNCH OF STUFFED + FUCKING WOODLAND CREATURES! get bent." + + with that, mary left the room. bill sat down in mary's chair and + waited for ralph to return. bill had to tell ralph about mary's desire + to split up. as he waited for ralph to come back, he thought about mary's + comment. it would be neat to have some scenes in his home that contained + stuffed woodland creatures fucking. bill got quite a bit of pleasure + thinking about that. one scene in the living room with some beavers, + one in the kitchen with snakes and bears, so many possibilities... + + however, ralph never returned, and bill died. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #101 -- written by trilobyte -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0102.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0102.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..da47efe5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0102.txt @@ -0,0 +1,191 @@ + + -> hogs of entropy -|- issue #102 <- + + :: .: ... .,:::::: + ,, ,;; ;;, .;;;;;;;. ;;;;'''' ,, + '[[, ,[[[,,,[[[ ,[[ \[[, [[cccc ,[[' + cccc$c "$$$"""$$$ $$$, $$$ $$"""" c$cccc + ,od8" 888 "88o "888,_ _,88P 888oo,__ "8bo, + YM" MMM YMM "YMMMMMP" """"YUMMM "MP + + >> "i'm so stupid" << + + *or* + + >> "the beginning of the end" << + + -::: by trip :::- + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + 3/27/97, approxamately 1:00pm. + + (knock knock) + + I opened the door, not really knowing what to expect. It was only 1, +or so, and i was just barely getting out of the shower, my hair still wet, +walking around in a pair of white boxers, when wet, probably exposed my +penis. + + But that's ok, it was only Kim, she'd seen it before. + + "Oh, hi. I wasn't expecting you." + + I've learned to be very careful of what words i choose to use with +her, she has her own way of twisting and contorting my words into what she +sees fit. "Would you pass the salami?" may seem innocent enough, when +spoken in my plain speaking voice, but whenever she repeats it .. "And he +said, 'Would YOU pass the SALAMI?'," totally changing the entire meaning +of it. I do my best not to upset her, it's not a good idea. + + "I told you I was coming over, god." She rolled her eyes and walked +in. + + Yeah, but she didn't say WHEN. + + She strolled into the bedroom, and flopped her Elmo backpack on the +ground. My room is a mess, at least she doesn't bitch at me about that. + + "What's wrong?" She had a sad, distant look on her face. A look I've +gotten pretty used to. + + "The people at the DMV said my birth certificate was invalid or some- +thing. I was like, 'Hello, I was born, I'm right fucking here!' but they +told me I have to write to the hospital in Texas where I was born to get +some proof of my birth." + + She had studied all night the night before to get her permit; she was +well over the age required to get her permit, she just had never bothered +to grow up and get her shit together. Being denied her permit for the time +being was as bad as killing her dog. + + "And everywhere we went, men just bothered me .. saying rude things to +even in front of my _mom_. Hell, I was even dressed respectably, nothing +revealing at all. It was worse then when I wear what I normally do, which +makes me look like a slut." + + She WAS right about that ... + + She laid down on the bed, petting Clarence, my cat. + + I laid down with her, trying not to do anything to annoy her. I kissed +her forehead; no response. As I did it, I daydreamed of her talking to one +of her friends the next day... + + (70's flashback type screen blur) + "He was such a gentleman. All he did was kiss my forehead." + (70's flashback type screen blur) + + I REALLY did want to be a gentleman, but, being the male I am, my lust +didn't take long to take over. + + We laid in bed, talking little nothings. I got her to smile. + + She began to unbutton her shirt. + + "What-cha dooooin'?" I smiled. + + "Getting comfortable." + +-/- interlude + + The phone just rang, as I type this. I hope it isn't her, I hope it +isn't her, I'd hate to have to lie to her about what I'm doing. 'Oh .. +just writing about how horrible you are,' didn't sound nearly as good as +'Oh .. just watching Beavis & Butthead.' + + Ahh, good. It was just someone calling my BBS. + +-/- + + I moved from my position next to her, & told Clarence to get lost. He +immediately complied. I was now lying on top of her. + + "What-cha thiiinkin'?" + GOD I FUCKING HATE THAT QUESTION. + What the hell did she want to hear? 'Oh, I was just mentally debating +who captured the feeling of the Renassaince the best.' + "Wondering if the bra you're wearing has the clasp in the front or in +the back." + "It's in the back." + "You know i can't fucking figure those things out, you do it." + She undid her bra with one hand, like she has so many times before. + Her bra was now lying crumpled next to her crumpled shirt on the +floor, near the crumpled afore-mentioned Elmo backpack. + I began to suck on her left nipple, playing with the right one with my +right hand. She was enjoying it, arching her back. + + (70's flashback type screen blur) + "He was such a gentleman. All he did was kiss my forehead." + (70's flashback type screen blur) + + *click* The Franky Bones tape stopped. + "The music stopped." + GEE, NO SHIT? + I got up and went to the tape deck as slow as I could to flip the +tape. + I knew what she was doing, I was just giving her time. + "What-cha doooin'?" + "*giggle* Oh, nothin'." + I returned to her under the comforter, her pants were gone. She was +wearing her fuzzy velvet panties, the ones she knew I loved. + We stayed under the comforter a while, kissing, talking, laughing. We +were having a good time. We just happened to be mostly nude. + "What-cha thiiinkin'?" + Hah. This time _I_ got _her_. + "That this is all we have. And it's ok." + She had been talking lately about how we have no relationship except +my bed, which isn't true, but it's easy to see where she would say that. +She walked in depressed, within half an hour her nipple was in my mouth. + It destroyed me. It broke my heart into 2 distinct pieces. I wanted it +not to be true, I knew it wasn't, yet it was very obvious what made her +say it. + + (70's flashback type screen blur) + "He was such a gentleman. All he did was kiss my forehead." + (70's flashback type screen blur) + + *bzzzz* + "Ignore it." + "No... hand me my pager." + I fumbled around the desk, found her pager, and handed it to her. + "It's my dad. I have to call him." + "Guh..." + I handed her the phone. + "Hi daddy... the bad man at the DMV... yeah... Mom was pissed......" + She finishes her conversation with the man who saw me ONCE, for less +than a second, and has hated me ever since. That was 3 years ago. He even +forgot my name, he think's it's Mike. + "What's wrong?" + WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG? YOU JUST DESTROYED +ME, THAT'S WHATS FUCKING WRONG. + "What you just said." + I glanced at the clock. 3:40. I had to be at the bus stop to make it +to work on time in about 20 minutes. + "I have to go to work." + "Please, don't go." She pulled me to her and kissed me. + I had been glancing at the clock occasionally .. I had to get out of +bed eventually, sex was now completely gone. 'Maybe I'll get a quick +blowjob...' + I stayed. + "Why is it so hard to understand? It's true." + "No it isn't. I have to go to work." + "Please, don't go." She pulled me to her and kissed me. + I fell into her, sighing. She laughed. + *ring* + "Hello?... No..." I slipped my finger under her panties, in between + her vaginal lips. She was somewhat moist, but not really. Damn. + "ok, bye." + "You did that while you were on the PHONE? You are SO bad!" + 3:47. + "I REALLY have to go." + "What am I supposed to do? Just stay here?" + "Sure." + I quickly dressed. + "Turn off the lights and lock ..." + "I know." + I was just sitting down on the bench when the bus pulled up. I made +it. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- +* (c) HoE publications & metalchick. HoE #102 - written by trip - 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0103.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0103.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6fe6a131 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0103.txt @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ + + hhhhhhh h0gz ov entr0pee 000000000 + h:::::h isshu numbah 00:::::::::00 "oink." + h:::::h one-oh-three 00:::::::::::::00 + h:::::h 0:::::::000:::::::0 QUALITY TEXT FILES!!!!! + h::::h hhhhh 0::::::0 0::::::0 eeeeeeeeeeee + h::::hh:::::hhh 0:::::0 0:::::0 ee::::::::::::ee + h::::::::::::::hh 0:::::0 0:::::0 e::::::eeeee:::::ee + h:::::::hhh::::::h 0:::::0 000 0:::::0 e::::::e e:::::e + h::::::h h::::::h 0:::::0 000 0:::::0 e:::::::eeeee::::::e + h:::::h h:::::h 0:::::0 0:::::0 e:::::::::::::::::e + h:::::h h:::::h 0:::::0 0:::::0 e::::::eeeeeeeeeee + h:::::h h:::::h 0::::::0 0::::::0 e:::::::e + h:::::h h:::::h 0:::::::000:::::::0 e::::::::e + h:::::h h:::::h 00:::::::::::::00 e::::::::eeeeeeee + h:::::h h:::::h 00:::::::::00 ee:::::::::::::e + hhhhhhh hhhhhhh 000000000 eeeeeeeeeeeeee + + >> "the rise of the mogels, part one" << + by -> eerie + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + the mad scientist entered the experiment room & said hi to his +evil assistant: + + "hi, evil assistant!!!" + + "oh, here you are, mad scientist! i'm completely ready for the +first experiment in human cloning!" + + "fine!!! fine!#! so did we decide on a guinea pig yet?" + + "actually, we've been considering every existing group of people +from which we could pick up our top notch guinea pig. like, we checked +lawyers, but hey, they could sue us if we fuck up. or like, web page +designers & isp sysadmins, but their egos won't fit in the cloning +machine." + + "damn, that's one hell of a problem." + + "not really, but i like to make it sound like one. actually, what +we have to worry about is that we can't go clone someone that's dangerous +-- you never know the impact it can have on life in america. we'd most +likely duplicate someone who has no influence whatsover, even though an +overall nice, easy to get along with person, you know?" + + "like, you'd need forrest gump." + + "well, we need someone whose disappearance would be left +unnoticed. but we found it. _the_ (& you can quote me on this & +underscore the word "the") most useless, harmless, & generally overlooked +job in america is actually _e-zine editor_." + + "oh my god, it's so obvious, i wonder why i haven't thought of +it." + + "well, you don't read those things, do you?" + + "of course not. well, i did check out suck once." + + "we found the perfect e-zine, mad scientist, it's called _doomed +to obscurity_, & it's basically doomed to, well, you know." + + "heh heh heh. so who is the editor of this z .. zy .. zeen?" + + "his name is _mogel_." + + "get him. now." + +--- + + mogel was then caught by evil fbi agents who brought him in the +mad scientist's mansion. then, they put him in the cloning machine. +flashes of lights began to appear everywhere & suddenly, the room got +filled with thousands of mogels, all looking the exact same. + + "this is perfect", mad scientist said. "let's see how they react +now!" + + "say something!" asked evil assistant. + + a token mogel said: "i like soup." + + another token mogel added: "me too!" + + then another: "me t0o!!!" + + "me ToO!!!#!" + + "mE tO0!/$%?$/" + + "oh my god," the evil assistant said. "i think we fucked up." + + "mE t0O!#!$!|%/!$/!$%/%?/$" the whole crowd of mogels responded, +as they left the room & took over the universe & the state of delaware. + + next episode: the MOGELs vs. the NYBARs! + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- +* (c) HoE publications & metalchick. HoE 103 - written by eerie - 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0104.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0104.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b01bcb58 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0104.txt @@ -0,0 +1,100 @@ + + -|- the hogs of entropy -|- + + -|- "text files to read with soup." -|- + _ + /' /' `\ + /' /' ) + moo. oink. /'__ /' /' ____ issue + /' ) /' /' /' ) -104- + /' /' /' /' /(___,/' + /' /(__ (_____,/' (________ + + >> "SCREW" << + by -> trilobyte + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + excited by the possibilities, happy young rob was known as bob by his +friends and fag by his enemies. + + little did they know, he had tabs on everyone, and when they +weren't looking, he defecated into his hand and wiped it on their house. +he wasn't really gay, you see. rather, he was bisexual -- and ran a booth +at the flea market where he sold blankets and bolts and things that people +didn't want to buy. until he bought the door, then they got mad and +yelled at him + + fag + + and then he ran out of it and went to get more. + they said + + there is none, man, shit + + and he looked and looked and looked very ugly at the time, confusing +the reader and he liked to swim. bob, his name, ate fish at night on +certain occasions when his grandmother came over the hill to his cabin in +the woods. it was adjacent to the garage of his cabin, which came in +handy when people brought automobiles to his cabin. bob's wooden cabin +was stately and the large breasted women in the suburb where his cabin +lived degraded bob and his children for being + + fag + + even though really he lived in the woods and had the upper hand on +them all. and he didn't even have any children, so he just whooped their +asses in parcheesi and gin rummy and other card games. the number five +played a large part in his worldly conquests, causing him to eat more fish +than his grandmother could assemble in her five hour workshift at the +store. she was getting old hat, blue, please, in the box. no, the other +one. on the top shelf. thanks. + + christmas time came and the cabin was full of tea, warm to the touch +and tasty to the tongue. spelling was not bob's forte, as his daughter +could tell you, if he had one, which he doesn't, so changing case won't +help you now. fart. or don't, for as the calling comes, we all shall +live in the world of our lord his god and the goat with the ghost in the +box in the head on the table in the place they like to call heaven or hell +or one of the afterlife places. or so felt bob, he thought, when he was +alone in his cabin with his grandmother and sons. he had three sons until +he realized he had none and then he had no sons anymore. but. + + bob's gate kept people in and out as he pleased to have them. if he +was not pleased to have them, he took the utmost care to make sure that +the gate was closed so that the person could not come in. because +unenjoyable circumstances were not things that bob enjoyed putting up +with, not with lots of hair on his head that needed to be cut badly. bad +haircuts were not something that bob liked, since he was gay, and had to +keep his hair looking nice so that he could convince people that he wasn't +gay, even though he isn't. but he ain't. and so am i, said he, after +climbing to the top of the tall thing, looking down on creation and he +really really liked to sing that song. thinking of the old baseball card +shop in the ghetto made him realize his wealth and power in modern +society, and his calling to baptize all young chastized women into the +church of the holy harpoon that killed dozens of whales in the days of +whale-harpooning. must be worshipped, me, now, thanks, thought bob, or +tom, as his senile uncle sometimes called him but yes. i do agree +sometimes, depending on the time of day and week i am. not feeling good, +said she, eating crescent rolls on ends of wheat and rye toast butter +jelly food. broad road is tread often, but only on the way, the right +way, the way to the gate to heaven. lots of flashing lights, people +standing on words that can't describe the way i'm hooked on a feelin'. + + i yelled and scratched my head vigorously until i got sick of +doing so and then i decided to yelp at the dog who was eating my food. +"stop eating my food", i quoted from the story. dog left with his scarf, +it was cold outside, very cold. bundle up. so. + + no reason at all is why he built his cabin in the woods to get away +from his grandmother who came to visit him and his daughter's fish in time +for the spelling bee, but she had to be home in time for her fivehour +workshift at the store because she had to pay off her automobile which was +sitting in bob's garage. so, really, we all believe bob is a + + fag. + + no doubt. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #104 -> written by trilobyte -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0105.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0105.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..da9d5793 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0105.txt @@ -0,0 +1,147 @@ + __ ___ + | |--.-----.-----.-----. .-----.' _| + | | _ | _ |__ --| | _ | _| + |__|__|_____|___ |_____| |_____|__| + |_____| + __ hogs of entropy + .-----.-----.| |_.----.-----.-----.--.--. + | -__| || _| _| _ | _ | | | + |_____|__|__||____|__| |_____| __|___ | + issue #105 |__| |_____| + + >> "nobody loves me" << + by -> eerie + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + so, whassup wit kate? + <_blue_> dude we spent the last nite msging n stuff.. i guess somethin's + goingon.. + haha awesome, she's hot + <_blue_> yeah + <_blue_> she's smart too... :) + word + jeez + life sucks + and like pamela keeps acting like a bitch + *** Dang has joined channel #angst + SuP!! + *** Mode changed +o Dang on channel #angst by angstbot + hey dang + <_blue_> dang! + Yo i was in #rave, that kid Bllunt is gettin annoying as fuck + haha + #rave sucks + So like, that nigs gets opd and he just took over the channel + <_blue_> anyway mike1 i'm gonna chat with her tonight most hopefully + Fuck, I'm gonna permaban him + blunt is dumb + blue - cool + *** veruca has joined channel #angst + <_blue_> veruca!! + hehe + hi blue!!!:) + VerucA!!! + heydang !! hehe + oops ehhe + :0 + veruca is drunk + hehe + *** BAM has joined channel #angst + SCHIZOPHRENIA IS A CONSPIRACY + *** Mode changed +b BAM on channel #angst by mike1 + *** BAM has been kicked off channel #angst by mike1 (keep your paranoid shit + out of this channel) + BAM is a fucknut... + [BAM] you're so smart, mike1. + my, thanks + bam is one funny fellow. + *** jammy is back -- Away 32 minutes 13 seconds. + bam/??? + i'm lagged + *** veruca has left IRC (Changing Servers) + anyway, how is everyone doing? + [BAM] tell me when you grow up & stop being so easily impressed. + so mike1, i hear pamela keeps acting like a bitch? + ahhaha + uh, jammy, is that any of your business? + [BAM] #angst is full of idiotic kiddies anyway. no wonder why i + spend so much time alleviating my boredom there, don't you think? + everything is my business, mike1! + i mean, you seem to be so fond of telling everyone about every + pathetic aspect of your life + *** _blue_ is away -- Automatically set away. + just shut up, jammy. + [BAM] you're all pathetic. + *** pamela has joined channel #angst + Pamela!!!! :} + hey pamela + hey + pamela, i hear you keep acting like a bitch + *** Mode changed +b jammy on channel #angst by mike1 + *** jammy has been kicked off channel #angst by mike1 (make us both a favor + and grow up) + uh? + i'm getting overly sick of jammy lately + *** Mode changed -b jammy on channel #angst by Dang + dang, what the fuck + *** jammy has joined channel #angst + bahaha + *** Mode changed -o Dang on channel #angst by mike1 + *** Mode changed +b jammy on channel #angst by mike1 + *** jammy has been kicked off channel #angst by mike1 (enough, alright?) + Fuck u mike1...... + what's going on here??! + [jammy] your cyberboyfriend loves me! + he's just acting reall stupid for no reason + just nevermin that + how you doin? + *** kate_ has joined channel #angst + im ok + Hey!!!!!! + kate!!!!!!! + Hey Dang!! + *** _blue_ is back -- Away 10 minutes 54 seconds. + <_blue_> kate!1 + Blue!!how r u!?? + [jammy] since you're redirecting this to the channel, let me say + that mike1 is ONE LOVABLE FELLOW + huh?? + wtf.. + <_blue_> kate>ive been at school all day..boring classes,math an shit + <_blue_> d/cc chat kate_ + <_blue_> oops + [jammy] did he tell you about emily yet? probably not, i'd expect. + what's that? + oh, what a motherfucker + mike, mind telling me what's going on? + it's just some girl i know, that's all... + what do you mean know??! + YA1!! GoT ops back in #rave!!!1 + *** Dang has left channel #angst + i mean as a friend, what do you think?! + [jammy] i heard they had some fun together at the party at harry's! + MIKE!! + mike, WHAT is going ON?!? + [jammy] i hear it was a bit more than holding hands, but what do i + know! + .... + [jammy] i'm sure he'll tell you all about it if you ask nicely!!! + why don't you answer to my msgs?! + i don't want you to hide!! answer me!!! + HE'S JUST LYING! he's a FUCKNUT! + i thought you CARED!! + why do you even listen to him in the first place?!?! + *** pamela has left channel #angst + i mean, he's a bastard + oh, wtf + <_blue_> hehe yeah theyre pretty wack at times + <_blue_> oops wrong window + *** veruca has joined channel #angst + finaly an unlagd server!!! + Hey mike1!!1 + *** mike1 has left IRC (whatever) + uhh shit + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- +* (c) HoE publications & metalchick. HoE 105 - written by eerie - 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0106.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0106.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..59459068 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0106.txt @@ -0,0 +1,340 @@ + + @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@ + @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@ + @@! @@! @@@ @@! @@@@ @@! @@! + !@! !@! @!@ !@! @!@!@ !@! !@! + !!@ @!@!@!@! @!@ @! !@! @!!!:! !!@ + !!! !!!@!!!! !@!!! !!! !!!!!: !!! + !!: !!: !!! !!:! !!! !!: !!: + :!: :!: !:! :!: !:! :!: :!: + :: :: ::: ::::::: :: :: :::: :: + : : : : : : : : : :: :: : + + (--) hogs of entropy - issue #106 (--) + + the computer underground's source for top-notch essays for + school presents one of kaia's friends in a special & informative + report written for a college class!!! + + >> "the triangle" << + + by -> eric keebler + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The triangle (-Eng, Fr: TRIANGLE; It: TRIANGOLO; Ger.: TRIANGEL) +is, unfortunately, is perhaps the most neglected of the percussion +instruments; it is often overlooked by conductors, and given to +less-skilled players because it is thought to be incredibly simple to +play. However, the triangle "has, among experienced players, the +reputation of being the most difficult of all the percussion +instruments.." Its musical effects are not trifling, either; the French +composer Widor said that "...when the orchestra would seem to have reached +its maximum intensity, it suffices to add the Triangle, in order to +convert red-heat into white-heat." + + The triangle is an instrument found in many cultures. Medieval +European triangles may have been the descendants of examples brought back +from Arabian lands by the crusaders. Depictions of medieval triangles show +a variety of shapes: some are equilateral (with either open or closed +ends), others are trapezoidal, and still others are stirrup-shaped. Most +examples also show an important difference from the modern triangle: there +were rings around the bottom bar. (PICTURE) This gave the instrument a +continuous, sistrum-like sound (the sistrum being a simple shaken +instrument). For example, and illustrated encyclopedia made for Henry III +of France shows a trapezoidal triangle with rings on the lower bar. There +are also ringless examples, such as in the King W enceslaus IV Bible (late +14th century) and in a mid-15th-century window in St. Mary's Church, +Warwick, England, which shows a loop at the top of the triangle so that it +could be hung on a finger. A triangle beater is always shown. + + The triangle is known to have been used in religious ceremonies; +we have as evidence numerous denunciations against their use, and also +edicts every few years prohibiting them. Triangles were also used in +secular music, such as in accompaniment of a pipe rings can be added to +modern triangles to achieve the same effect; the rings should be made of +metal of a slightly smaller diameter than the triangle metal. With care, a +triangle can supposedly be bent open to add rings and will spring back +into shape. Also, the softer the music is that the triangle will +accompany, the fewer is the number of rings that should be added. In +performance, the ringed triangle's best use is to strike on one beat per +bar or phrase; it can also mark the beginning of each repetition or +rhythmic phrase in an isorhythmic motet, and may be used to accent the +first beat of faburden sections of carols + + The triangle was one of the first purely metal percussion +instruments to enter the modern orchestra: In 1710, one was used by the +Hamburg Opera, and in 1717 two triangles were purchased for the Dresden +Opera. The instrument continued to be used occasionally in operas in the +early part of the 18th century In 1800, Boieldieu scored for two triangles +(one high and one low) in his opera Le Calife de Bagdad. All this time, +triangles still had rings; these rings did not disappear until the middle +of the nineteenth century, by which time the triangle had become a +full-fledged orchestral instrument. + + A new wave of interest in the triangle was created by the +phenomenon of Janissary music, which imitated the military music of the +Ottoman Turks. (The triangle may have been a part of the Turkish +"crescent", a decorated musical staff hung with bells.) Examples of such +triangle use include Mozart's The Abduction from the Seraglio, Haydn's +"Military"Symphony and Beethoven's 9th Symphony. + + Notable later examples of later, ringless triangle use include +Liszt's Piano Concerto in Eb (1853), in which the very prominent triangle +part caused amusement among hostile critics, and the single triangle note +which ends the second act of Wagner's Siegfried. The composer Berlioz +created a list of what he would like to have in his dream orchestra; among +the 467 instrumentalists were percussionists, including 6 triangles. + + The triangle is found in other cultures as well. The Cajun +triangle (PICTURE), descended from African triangles, is fabricated from +the tines of an old horse-drawn hay rake. Triangles are also prominent in +Greek folk music and Latin American music. In this country, there are some +non-musical uses of the triangle: it is commonly used on American farms +and ranches as a dinner bell. Also, one of the largest triangles can be +found at the American War Cemetery, Epinal: it is 2'3" per side, and was +used as a fire alert. + + The acoustics of the triangle depend on such factors as the +instrument's size, shape, and material. In general, larger triangles have +a lower sound than smaller ones. This sound, however, is not a distinct +pitch; indeed, a triangle that gives a specific note (such as a closed +triangle will do) is a poor instrument, so it won't blend properly with an +ensemble. Triangles are, as their name implies, usually triangular +(generally equilateral but occasionally isoscoles). Today, pentangles are +also a vailable (PICTURE). Triangles produce an astonishingly full +sound-spectrum: one example I found had 39 tones between 700 and 15,500 +hertz, with 13 of prominent volume; the fundamental was one of the weaker +tones. The use of a wooden stick enhances the fundamental and subdues the +harmonics, resulting in a soft, mellow tone, while a thin, light metal +beater enhances the upper partials, giving a light, silvery sound. Many +instruments are made of hardened steel, such as the Grover Super-Overtone +Triangles, which are made of a carbon steel alloy; this material causes +the overtones of the instrument to remain constant throughout dynamic +range. This triangle is available in 6" and 9" versions. The Grover Series +II comes in three sizes: the 4" piccolo, the 5" concert, and the 7" +symphonic models. These are made with a special cymbal alloy. (PICTURE). +Bronze and iron triangles, in both smooth and hammered versions, are +produced by the Choroi company. Aluminum triangles should be avoided +because of their inferior tone. Zildjian produces a "spindle triangle" +with tapering sides, so that a variety of tone colors can be produced; +it's made from hardened steel. + + The size of triangle to be used for a particular piece is largely +left up to the percussionist. One suggestion I found stated that "a rather +thick steel triangle 10 inches per side and 1/2-inch in diameter is the +best all around choice"; another said that this would sound too "gongy," +and to use a 6" instead for a more characteristic sound. Smaller does not +necessarily mean softer, and the higher frequencies of a smaller triangle +can be heard better over the whole orchestra. A "normal" orchestral +triangle is generally 6 1/2 to 7 inches on a side. Schools should have at +least two triangles (5 and 7-inch models) while a serious player should +have at least three: one small, one medium, and one large. For the +beginning student, two recommended triangles are the Grover 6-inch +Super-Overtone TR-6 and the Alan Abel Symphonic 6-inch; the latter is +brighter and has fewer overtones. + + Triangle beaters also deserve consideration. In general, players +should have at least 3, and one matched set for rolls. It's even better to +have a pair of each size. General-use beaters should be medium to heavy, +since these produce a fuller sound; however, softer passages should be +played with lighter beaters. Grover has standard beaters available in six +weights (PICTURE), and also has a special tubular beater in 4 sizes +(PICTURE) in which the beater face is isolated from the core shaft with a +special rubber compound. Beaters recommended for beginning students are +the Grover Alloy 303 TB-4 and the Grover Tubular TB-12, both Medium size. +Some specialty beaters include tapered beaters, brass beaters (steel is +normally used), wooden sticks, and cotton sticks (which can be replaced by +a beater with a paper napkin wrapped around the top). One can also +improvise by buying the "largest nails available" or similar materials at +a hardware store; it is recommended that such homemade beaters be 9" in +length. + + Triangle technique involves a lot more than one might at first +imagine. The triangle clip can be made from a wire clothes hanger and +fishing line (PICTURE); others suggest using a violin gut A string, as +cloth or ordinary string can prevent "true resonance" of the triangle. +Also, a safety line is recommended to avoid an embarrassing crash if the +string breaks! The triangle must not spin, and is held between shoulder +and eye height, and may be lowered slightly during rolls. The open end of +the triangle is on the player's left, unless the player is left-handed, in +which case the opening is on the right. In general, the percussionist +plays on the right portion of the bottom bar, or towards the top of the +right bar; as the striking position is moved to the middle of the bar, the +volume increases. The beater is held, with a relaxed grip, between the +thumb and forefinger; relaxation is especially important during soft +passages. Snare and timpani grips may be used according to the discretion +of the performer and the nature of the passage. Before playing, lay the +beater on the triangle to eliminate "missed" strokes; this is analogous to +setting the hammer before driving a nail, and is especially important for +soft beats. Strike at a 45 degree angle to get best tone; different +effects can be produced by using a perpendicular attack. Finesse is +essential: play as if touching an iron to see if it's hot, and play from +the wrist. In general, one-beater playing is preferred because it allows +the player to hold the instrument, providing a line of sight to conductor +and giving better projection. Playing on the bottom bar yields lower +overtones, while playing on the upper side gives higher overtones; thus, +some play lighter passages on the side, and stronger ones on the bottom. +For rhythmic patterns, clamp the triangle clip to a stand and use two +beaters at the top corner or on the bottom in the middle. An example is +found in Dvorak's New World Symphony, the triangle part of which should +NOT be rolled, as poor articulation may result. For quick rhythmic +figures, play on any two sides; the principal beats should fall on the +side next to the opening. Light playing is done with the tip of the +beater. + + Triangle rolls, notated with a triangular note head or the marking +"tr---", are played either on the bottom bar or on both sides at once; the +closer to the middle of the side(s) in question, the louder the roll is. +Single-beater rolls are played in the upper corner or sometimes the bottom +corner; in the previous case, for a clean roll ending, the last note may +be played on the bottom bar. Quadruple-forte rolls are played by moving +the beater in a circular motion, but this is rare; Holst calls for this +effect twice in The Planets. At the other end of the spectrum, a +knitting-needle may be used for quiet rolls. Flams and ruffs are also +possible. Rolls are terminated by muffling the triangle with the hand that +is holding the clip. + + The subject of muting the triangle needs some explanation. The use +of a split finger grip that holds the clamp between 2nd and 3rd fingers +allows the triangle to be grabbed to muffle the sound; in extreme cases, a +cloth can be used. Never dampen the instrument except for a grand pause, +or at the end of the piece where the rest of the ensemble is silent. +Staccato notes are muffled immediately, but most notes are allowed to +ring. Some African music is played with a muting technique in the left +hand to produce rhythmic variations. + + Sometimes triangle special effects are called for. In Stravinsky's +Petrouchka (1911), a cymbal is hit with a metal stick, presumably a +triangle beater. In the same composer's Rite of Spring, a gong is scraped +with a triangle beater. And in Walton's "Facade," a cymbal is struck with +a triangle! + + Triangle care is fairly straightforward: put it on a padded music +stand or in its clip when not in use, keep it dry to avoid rust, and store +it flat to avoid bending. + + One additional note to composers: write triangle parts with lower +dynamics than those of the instruments it is accompanying, since it is all +too easy to make the triangle sound like a fire-bell! + + Now I will digress and discuss church-bell harmonics, for reasons +that will soon become apparent. Church bells have five main harmonics: +the hum note, the fundamental, the tierce (which is minor), the quint, and +the nominal or octave. In addition, there are many upper partials; a large +bell may have 10-100 of these, arrayed over several octaves. (SHOW +PARTIALS) Bells must be tuned to adjust these partials after the bell is +cast (SHOW TUNINGS). This is done by removing a small amount of metal from +the inner surface at certain concentric zones that determine the pitches +of specific partials; this process lowers the partial, so bells are cast +sharp. + + Church bells are occasionally called for in orchestral music, +presenting the challenge of replicating, in a concert hall, the sound of a +multiple-ton bell or bells. For example, Berlioz's Symphonie Fantastique +calls for 2 bells, clearly church-bells (C and G); he suggested pianoforte +as a substitute. Dalayrac calls for bells in his 1791 opera Camille, +Cherubini calls for bells in the 1794 work Elisa. Rossini does so in the +second act of William Tell, requesting a bell that plays a bottom line G +on the bass clef staff. (In performance, it was never lower than G above +treble clef staff, 3 octaves higher!!) Meyerbeer, in the 1836 work Les +Huguenots, specifies bells sounding C and F on the bass clef staff to +signal a massacre; bells were specially cast for the Paris Opera for the +occasion. Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture includes a peal of bells, today +played on an Eb scale of tubular bells; however, in the original score, +only a tremolo sign is given, and an indication that the bells should be +large and with no prevailing key. The work was intended for the +consecration in 1882 of the Moscow Cathedral, which had real bells. The +Sydney Orchestra bought two heavy and expensive bells, but they ring above +middle-C, rendering them of little use. Today, the usual substitutes for +church bells are tubular bells, bell plates, mushroom bells, electrically +amplified metal bars, piano wires, and clock gongs; the bass tuba is +sometimes used to support the sound. + + Enter the alemba (an alembic is something that transforms or +refines). (PICTURE) I first ran across a reference to this instrument +while researching triangles in the RILM abstracts; reference was made to +an article in the German periodical Neuland IV (1983-84) by Moya +Henderson. The abstract read: "The author describes her construction of +the alemba (an instrument consisting of a row of triangles) and her +compositions for it." In 1976 she, as a graduate student, had been asked +to write a piece for 27 triangles (various shapes, but similar pitches), +and discovered that the addition of resonators resulted in the production +of low frequencies. This discovery led to the quest for an instrument, +containing many huge triangles, that could convincingly substitute for +bells in orchestral works. For the past 18 years, the alemba has been +undergoing development at the Division of Applied Physics of the CSIRO +corporation in Australia. construction of a bass alemba revealed the +problems of lowered upper partials, now audible and obtrusive; these were +dubbed "feral frequencies". By changing the triangles' shape to something +similar to the cross-section of a bell, moderate results were obtained; +computer modeling perfected the design, which came to look like an unbent +paper clip. The current electronically-amplified instrument has a range of +E to E 1 1/2 octaves below middle C, and simulates the big bells needed at +the finale of Puccini's opera Tosca, leading to the instrument's +commercial name, "The Tosca Bells". An order was placed by Sir Charles +Mackerras, and treble and bass alembas were used in performances of +Janacek's Glagolytic Mass and Berlioz's Symphonie Fantastique. The current +treble product has a range 2 1/2 chromatic octaves; each triangle is +attached to a resonator tuned to the fundamental of the triangle. The +octave and twelfth of each triangle is also tuned. The current challenge +is the development of the bass version; as the pitch drops, so do the +upper partials, which thus become more noticeably audible and need to be +tuned. Hopefully the continued development of the triangle-derived alemba +will at last yield a satisfactory way to bring the sound of church bells +into the concert hall. + +BIBLIOGRAPHY +------------ + +Blades, James. Percussion Instruments and their History. Westport, +Connecticut: The Bold Strummer, Ltd., 1992. + +Blades, James and Jeremy Montagu. Early Percussion Instruments: from the +Middle Ages to the Baroque. London: Oxford University Press, 1976, pp. +11-14 and 45-46. + +Brindle, Reginald Smith. Contemporary Percussion. London: Oxford +University Press, 1970, pp. 78-80. + +Montagu, Jeremy. Making Early Percussion Instruments. London: Oxford +University Press, 1976, pp. 34- 36. + +Percussion Anthology: A Compendium of Articles from The Instrumentalist in +Percussion Instruments. Evanston, Illinois: The Instrumentalist Co., 1980, +pp. 63, 151, 258-259, and 329-332. + +Randel, Don Michael, ed. The New Harvard Dictionary of Music. Cambridge, +Mass.: The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 1980, p. 869. + +Sadie, Stanley, ed. The New Grove Dictionary of Music and Musicians. +London: Macmillan Publishers Ltd., 1980, v. 19 (triangle) and v. 2 +(bells). + +INTERNET REFERENCES +------------------- + +PRODUCTS: + +http://otto.cmr.fsu.edu/~bula_jo/percussion/mallets.html +http://www.choroi.com/choroi/instmnts/triang.htm +http://www.mhs.mendocino.k12.ca.us/MenComNet/Business/Retail/Larknet/Percussion +http://www.mhs.mendocino.k12.ca.us/MenComNet/Business/Retail/Larknet/AfroAmerPercussion +http://www.tiac.net/users/grover/pro.htm +http://www.tiac.net/users/grover/series2.htm + +TECHNIQUE: + +http://otto.cmr.fsu.edu/~bula_jo/percussion/acces.html#triangle +http://www.cfw.com/~raybould/triangle.html + +BELLS: + +http://www.cs.yale.edu/users/douglas-craig/bells/Basic/tuning.html + +ALEMBA: + +http://www.dap.csiro.au/Interest/Rap/alemba.html#Alemba + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #106 -> written by eric keebler -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0107.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0107.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bb570057 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0107.txt @@ -0,0 +1,271 @@ + + do you miss that feeling of oldschool stupid & silly text files...? + + well, dem HOGS 'of' ENTROPY present... + + oooo .oooo. + .dP .dP `888 d8P'`Y8b Yb Yb + .dP .dP 888 .oo. 888 888 .ooooo. `Yb `Yb + << dP_____dP_________888P"Y88b__888____888_d88'_`88b_______`Yb____`Yb >> + << Yb~~~~~Yb~~~~~~~~~888~~~888~~888~~~~888~888ooo888~~~~~~~.dP~~~~.dP >> + `Yb `Yb 888 888 `88b d88' 888 .o .dP .dP + `Yb `Yb o888o o888o `Y8bd8P' `Y8bod8P' dP dP + + - -> #107 <- - + + >> ao, li-fo #7 << + by -> food + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +ACT ONE: AO LI FO ENTERS THE DUNGEONS OF DOOM +Act one, scene one; + +Enter Satan; +Satan: Hahahaa. Soon, I shall rule the world. But first, I must destroy that + pesky Ao Li-Fo! A curse upon the house of Ao! Ahhh! But what do I say? + I doth divide my own house. I am a fool for not being so careful! + Still, this won't affect my future plans for Li Fo! Haaa! Hahaaaa! + Hahahaha! Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha! hahahahaha- + +enter daemon; +daemon: Lord High Satan Sir! +Satan: Shut up you fool! I was in the middle of laughing! [strikes down the + daemon with a bolt of lightning]. Now, where was i.. Oh yes.. Hahaha! + Haaaa hahahaha! +enter second daemon; +Satan: Hahaha! Haaaaaaa! [peers at daemon] Haa-haaaaa! [begins to look + disgusted] Haaaahahahaa! [gives up] Oh bother! I suppose I must + get back to being evil now... What is it! + +second daemon: Lord High Satan! Ao Li-Fo enters the first gate! + +----- + +Act One, scene two +enter Ao Li-Fo, dog. + +Li-Fo: Hey, spuds.. what's that noise? +Spuds: Arf! +Li-fo: Shhh! I think I here some snorting! +enter orc; +orc: Hey you stupid fucking bastard! I want your fucking dog for supper! +Li-Fo: Hey! You can't talk to my dog like that! +Spuds: Awoooo! +Li-Fo: Get 'em, spuds! +[Spuds leaps thirty feet and sinks teeth deep into orc's neck. Orc dies.] +Li-Fo: Clean kill, spuds. Spuds? Oh, spuds! Thou hast died from a rotted orc + corpse! What now, shall I do in times of trouble? How may I go forth + alone and kill the monsters and the dungeon denizens save tame and + peaceful creatures, for though I am neutral I feel a tinge of lawful + stirring within me! Cao! Cao4 ni3de ma! [cries at the foot of spuds]. +Enter Satan; +Satan: I killed your dog, you stupid fool! +Li-Fo: [looking up] Oh no, it's satan! +Satan: Yes, that's right, it's me, i'm the prince of darkness! Hahahaha! + Haaahaha! Hahahaaaaaahahaha--oof! +[Li-Fo punches Satan in the stomach and runs through a door to the east.] +Li-Fo: Damn, that was close! I've got to find some stairs down before the + prince of darkness catches me! [jams a spike into the door behind him] + Ahh! I must run faster. Finally, stairs! [Li-Fo escapes downstairs.] + +----- + +ACT TWO: AO LI-FO DISCOVERS FORT LUDIOS +Act Two, Scene One; + +Enter Ao Li-Fo, gelatinous cube. +Cube: Gurrgle snort bork snort! +Li-Fo: Oh my! It's a giant cube of quivering gelatin! +Cube: [moving towards the sound of Li-Fo] Snarrrrcckkkoink! Snort borglesnort! +Li-Fo: Ahhhhh! +Cube: Gooorglesnorgsnort! +Li-Fo: Hiiiiii yaaaaaaaaaa! [cleaves cube in two] Oh no, what terrible trick + of the three sisters be this! In impudent haste have I doubled the deep + dungeon's danger? These carniverous cubes of giant jelly which snortle + snorgle banal before me are too much to bear, and my Shen Jian seems + suddenly a copper tinted steel now, is it rusted? Ahh, but no, even + though it may turn time tamed trust and rust red, it shall unfailingly + unrust, for it also graciously grants gifts of intrinsic regeneration! + Yes, rapid regeneration and resistance to Gelatinous cubes! Yes, rapid + regeneration, resistance to gelatinous cubes, and hunger aversion- +Narrator: Don't push it. You have increased healing, count your lucky stars. +Li-Fo: Who said that? [silence] +Cube 1: Snoooort! +[exit Cube 2] +Li-Fo: Oh my god, it's digesting my foot! [struggles to remove foot from cube] + Hi-yahh! Hiiii ya! Chop! Slice! [cuts loose from cube] Yuch! eesh! + [wipes foot on door to get rid of slime] I'm getting out of here! + [Li-Fo jumps to the side to escape cube and hits a teleportation trap] + Ahh! What strange and magical place is this! So many golden coins! + There is a fortune here, but wait, am I trapped inside of this small + 20 by 20 room with an 8 foot high ceiling and stone walls, ceiling and + floor that seem to be cut from the inside of a single stone? How was + this place created? What will become of me and my magical coins? Oh + wait, there seems to be something strange about that pile of coins over + there... [moves to pile] I wonder wha--[hits a level teleporter] + My word! [Li-Fo gazes upon fort Ludios] It certainly looks imposing! + I wonder what it is? I shall climb down this wall and investigate, and + oh, is that a fountain I spy? + +----- + +ACT THREE: AO LI-FO DECENDS INTO GEHENNOM +Act Three, Scene One; + +Enter Satan and three daemons; +daemon 1: Master, you sure showed him! +daemon 2: Yeah, Heheheh +Satan: Shut up. +daemon 3: Hehehehh. +daemon 2: Heheh hahaha +daemon 3: haaahahahahaa! +Satan: [fries daemon 3 with a bolt of fire] I said shut up! Oh, the pressures + and perils of being an entity, bear down upon my dark heart! I lust for + the days of my youth, yes, my youth, when I was a young lad, burning + up the dance floor, and the dancers.. Inciting riots, and causing + ruckussesses.. +daemon 2: Rucki, sir. +Satan: Fuuuck yoouu! [fries daemon two with a bolt of lightning] Fuuuuuckk + yoou aaass hooooollleee! [daemon 2 is burned to a crisp]. Don't ever + correct me! I am god, I win, and if I say ruckussess, I mean ruckusses! +daemon: Sir, did you feel that? +Satan: Feel what? +daemon: There was a tremble in the ground... +Satan: Oh no! That must mean he's found the fountain! +daemon: Oh no sir, not the fountain! +Satan: Yes, the fountain you fool! +daemon: yes master, yes, yes, the fountain! call me a fool again! +Satan: You fool, you crazy fool you! +daemon: thank you sir! +Satan: You're welcome.. Oh.. wait, did you feel that? +daemon: Feel what, sir? +Satan: I felt the ground tremble. +daemon: What do you suppose it was, sir? +Satan: I'm not sure, uhmm.. Weren't we just talking about this? +daemon: I don't think so. Well, I don't remember. +Satan: Damn. Damn my forgetful memory, damn it all to hell! +daemon: Permission to speak frankly sir. +Satan: Permission granted. +daemon: Can we have homosexual sex? +Satan: Sure. Let's have homosexual sex right now. [with an expression of + intense concentration, trying to remember what the tremble in the + ground ment, Satan drops his pants and begins to slowly ass-fuck the + daemon] Now what was that tremble supposed to mean... Ohh.. Yum.. Let + me seeaaahh!! Oh yes, ahh, YES!!! Now I remember! No! No! + Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! + +----- + +Act Three, Scene Two; +Enter Ao Li-Fo, Satan, and daemon. + +Li-Fo: I have found the fountain that sprang forth from the river Styxx! +Satan: Fucking shit! Can't you see I am in the middle of some high quality + ass sex here? +Li-Fo: You are evil, that is plain. Now I will destroy thee, with my blessed + Shen Jian! +Satan: [withdrawing penis from the daemon's wet ass] You bastard, fight me + like a real man, hand to hand! +Li-Fo: [Dropping his sword, and putting up his dukes] Where I come from, we + talk with these!! [making hands talk] Hey, can't we talk this over? +Satan: You are such a god damn fuc-- +Li-Fo: ha! [Li-Fo reacts too quickly to be seen] +Satan: Gasp! I never expected a blow from... the left side..... [dies] +Li-Fo: That was close. +daemon: Wail! Thou hast kilt my master, satan. This wasn't supposed to happen! +Li-Fo: I am a powerful martial artist. I know Chinese Kung Fu! +daemon: I'm telling on you! [exits] +Li-Fo: What a dork. God i'm hungry. [eats corpse of Satan] +enter God; +God: Li-Fo! What the jesus christ fuck have you done! Oh shit, I swore! +[God dissapears in a puff of logic] +enter God; +God: haha, you can't kill me with such a silly trick! +Narrator: Oh shit. Not again +God: Nyah nyah! +Li-Fo: What the... +[God exits] +enter God. +God: hey! You can't get rid of me so easil-- +[God exits] +enter God. +[God exits] +enter God. +[God exits] +enter God. +God: Fuck you! +[God dissapears in a puff of logic]. +Li-Fo: This place is strange! I think that satan corpse must have been + hallucinogenic! +enter God; +Li-Fo: What is it this time? +Narrator: Don't pay any attention to him! +Li-Fo: Who said that? +God: I'm taking over here now! Hahahaha! Haaaahahahaha! HAHAHahaHAHHaahah! +Li-Fo: I'm getting out of here! [runs away] +God: You can't get away from me! +Li-Fo: Oh no, i'm being chased by God! [hides around the corner] +[God comes running around the corner and gets tripped by Li-Fo's foot] +God: Oof! +Li-Fo: Heheh, bet you didn't expect that! Now take this! [Li-Fo draws a frying + pan and hits god over the head. Pan bends over God's head like a cowl + and a profile of God's head can be seen set in metal. Pan vibrates.] +[Li-Fo plants a hanging fist on god's exposed back! God reels!] +[God gets up and throws a punch at Li Fo!] +[Li-Fo outwardly blocks God and lets loose the tiger at God's throat!] +[God grabs Li-Fo's wrist!] +[Li-Fo places his hand at the base of his wrist and withdraws!] +[God tries to punch Li-Fo!] +[Li-Fo graps god's wrist and applies Basket fist to break God's right arm!] +[God staggers back, and tries another left handed punch!] +[Li-Fo subdues the dragon, dislocating God's right elbow!] +[God screams in pain!] +[God dissapears!] +[Li-Fo stops hallucinating!] +Li-Fo: Jeez. It was that stupid daemon! [eats daemon corpse] Nope, I don't + think I am hallucinating anymore [looks at doors, walls, objects on + floor] Nope. Now, time to get out of here! [reads a scroll of exit + Ghehennom] + +----- + +ACT FOUR: AO LI-FO ESCAPES THE DUNGEONS OF DOOM +Act Four, Scene One; + +Enter Ao Li-Fo. + +Li-Fo; Yes. +You went to your reward with 3 points. +Li-Fo: Three points? But I killed satan! +You were supposed to let God do that. +Li-Fo: But wouldn't he thank me? +God, thank you? What for? +Li-Fo: For killing satan! +Oh my, someone killed satan? +Li-Fo: Yes, I killed him. Stop being stupid! +I'm not, you are. And that tie stinks. +Li-Fo: What? +I said that tie stinks. It doesen't go with your faded pall, they don't match. +Li-Fo: But i'm not wearing a tie! +You're not wearing a faded pall either! Ha! Hoist by his own petard! +Li-Fo: But I am wearing a faded pall, they are known as elven cloaks. +Oh, I forgot about that. Ok, 5 points. +Li-Fo: 14 +14, are you crazy? People like you usually get only 3, and I am giving you 5! +Li-Fo: Ok... 11 points.. Come on, I have to make the top 5! +11? Jesus, you are insane. Look. I can give you 7. I don't have any more than +that. +Li-Fo: 9 points! +Ok look. I'll give you 8, but I am going to get in trouble for this!! +Li-Fo: ok, 8 points it is! Haha, sucker! + +Game Over + +Hahaha! That fool! He could have had 22 million Now I can keep all these +points for myself! Haaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha!! + +The End. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- +* (c) HoE publications & metalchick. HoE #107 - written by food - 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0108.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0108.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..17850d9b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0108.txt @@ -0,0 +1,63 @@ + _ _ __ __ ___ _______ _ _ + /\| |/\ /\| |/\ | | | | / _ \ | ____| /\| |/\ /\| |/\ + \ ` ' / \ ` ' / | |__| | | | | | | |__ \ ` ' / \ ` ' / + |_ moo _|_ moo _| | __ | | | | | | __| |_ moo _|_ moo _| + / , . \ / , . \ | | | | | |_| | | |____ / , . \ / , . \ + \/|_|\/ \/|_|\/ |__| |__| \___/ |_______| \/|_|\/ \/|_|\/ + + suck my squiggly tail. -108- oink you, sucker. + + hogs of entropy hogs of entropy hogs of entropy hogs of entropy hogs of + entropy hogs of entropy hogs of entropy hogs of entropy hogs of entropy + hogs of entropy hogs of entropy hogs of entropy hogs of entropy hogs of + entropy hogs of entropy hogs of entropy hogs of entropy hogs of entropy + + >> "and you wonder" << + by -> aproh + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + this little gem was sent as a serious submission to dto +productions. i cry. you enjoy. + +- m0gel [dto@op.net] + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Anything you say can andbe used against you" these are my rights. This is +what i was taught. That is all i see while i look through your narrow +mind. And sometimes i sit in the dark and shiver and cry myself to +sleep and think about being abused for all those years that stretch out +into my life. And i can seill feel you inside me you fucking pig!!! And +i can still feel myself struggle under you (a giant, me, a little +girl). And i can still feel you rip off my clothes and tell me it was +right and I NEVER BELIEVED YOU, NOT ONCE. and its dark in here as it +was dark during those years, in your room under the covers and there's +an emptyness in my mind where i try to forget and every time i tell the +story i feel a little better like its not some sort of dirty secret i +carry around with me like the chains of christmas past. and you WONDER +WHY I DONT TRUST MEN AND YOU WONDER WHY I LOVE GIRLS AND NOT YOU AND +YOU WONDER WHY WHEN I KISS YOU I CANT STOP, CANT SAY NO??? AND YOU +WONDER WHY I LOCK MY CAR DOORS AND YOU FUCKING WONDER WHY I WONT SIT +NEXT TO YOU AT THANKSGIVING DINNER??? I remember sitting with you on +saturday mornings and watching monster trucks crush the cars underneath +them and not i picture that was the story of my life and you were +eating pork rhinds but that didnt even gross me out...what made me sick +to my stomach was you: staring at me with that sick look and I DIDNT +WANT YOU TO TOUCH ME AND I DIDNT WANT TO BE THERE BECAUSE I KNEW WHAT +WAS COMING NEXT-OH GOD, I KNEW WHAT WAS NEXT. SO I'D SIT AND STARE AT +THE CEILING AND LET YOU DO...LET YOU OVERCOME ME AND YOU WONDER WHY I +DONT LIKE TO BE CONTROLLED?? and even though i dont, i try not to, +remember, i do and i wonder if when you came inside me, did you feel +like a man?? DID YOU FEEL LIKE A "BIG BOY"? WERE YOU HAPPY? DID IT MAKE +YOU HAPPY THAT YOU HAD RUINED MY LIFE? DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER? OR ARE YOU +SO FUCKED UP NOW THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER RAPING ME SO MANY TIMES? +MY PARENTS DIDNT EVEN *KILL* YOU WHEN THEY FOUND OUT. IF I +HAD BEEN BIGGER, OLDER, *STRONGER*, I WOULD HAVE DONT IT +MYSELF...THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR RAPE!!! THERE IS NO EXCUSE TO VIOLATE +ME ONCE, YOU HAD CONTROLLED MY BODY BUT NEVER AGAIN. YOU CONTROLLED MY +MIND, MY SEXUALITY, MY BODY BUT NOW I AM RECOVERING. NOW I WILL SOON BE +FREE. NOW MY BODY IS MINE... + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- +* (c) HoE publications & metalchick. HoE 108 - written by aproh - 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0109.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0109.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7323783f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0109.txt @@ -0,0 +1,46 @@ +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- +:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: + |::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: + __ \:: _ \:: _ \ ::::::: >> "how to hack nasa with aol" << :::::::::::: +: | | |: ( |: __/ :: a v/a/c/c/u/m informative report -> by jubjub :::: +:_| |_|: \___/ : \___| ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: +::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::-#109-:: +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + ok, i know i'm gonna get flamed by the entire scene for giving +away this information, but information wants to be free, god-fucking-damn +it. this is is for all the real hackers out there on aol. the first +thing you'll need are the right materials. i'm extremely drunk right now, +by the way. + + here's a list. + +1, a computer +2, an aol account +3, jubjub's aohack v1.31337 +4, 20 shots of jim bean + + ok, first thing, log on to aol, then run jubjub's aohack +v1.31337[tm]. + + now drink the 20 shots of jim bean. + + here's the complicated part. click on "hack nasa". here's a +diagram of what that will look like. + + ___________________ + | rbr's aohack! | <---- (your computer) v1.31337 + | | + | *hack nasa!@ | + | ^------(clik on | + | this@#!)| + __|___________________|__ + | | + |_________________________| + + congratulations, you have just hacked nasa with aol. + + now go puke. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- +* (c) HoE publications & metalchick. HoE 109 - written by jubjub - 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0110.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0110.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..626e9809 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0110.txt @@ -0,0 +1,414 @@ + + `"8a 88 ,a8888a, a8"' + "8a 88 ,8P"' `"Y8, "moo." a8" + "8a 88 ,8P h0gz Y8, a8" + "8a 88,dPPYba, 88 -of- 88 ,adPPYba, a8" + "oink." a8" 88P' "8a 88 entr0py 88 a8P_____88 "8a + a8" 88 88 `8b #110 d8' 8PP""""""" "8a + a8" 88 88 `8ba, ,ad8' "8b, ,aa "8a + .a8" 88 88 "Y8888P" `"Ybbd8"' "8a. + + >> "an informative reply to mogel's 'a guide to modern love on the << + >> information superhighway' from dto #5 without any stupid inside << + >> jokes -- and this has no quotes by guido sanchez!" << + + a dialog by -> jamesy & murmur + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Jamesy: Ok, Truth. + +Murmur: Where does infatuation end and love begin? + +Jamesy: you can't fucking ask that! it doesn't make any sense! that's + not how you play truth and dare, you're supposed to ask personal + questions. + +Murmur: When did your relationship with Rachel advance beyond mere + infatuation? NO WAIT, not WHEN, HOW? + +Jamesy: Don't you just wanna know where we had sex the first time? oh + well, nevermind. I think the main thing you need to understand + about infatuation is that it quickly disappears. I mean, a new + toy is only new for so long. Eventually, you need to either throw + it in a box with your old toys, or find reason to keep it out on + the desk next to your laptop and pictures of kathy ireland. when + you're with someone for long enough, the excitement of being + around them is really gone. it's not a bad thing, per se, that's + just how things work. but you need to take the relationship + further, otherwise it feels stale and begins to whither like your + flaccid grandmother. + + it's very important that relationships have a strong bond of + friendship. if you don't enjoy just being with the person, it's + going to be hard to get past infatuation. you eventually need to + get to a point where you enjoy doing anything with the person, not + just screwing around. although that's important, it's also + important to simply enjoy the time with them. + + now, HOW it happened is a much harder question to answer. my + relationship with rachel matured after time. it wasn't easy; we + had a lot of problems in the beginning. but we learned to trust + each other just for the sake of trusting each other. well, i + should rephrase that; SHE learned to trust me. i always trusted + her, because she never did anything to break that trust. i, + did, though, because i was an evil bastard back then. but, after + being with someone for a while and looking back and realising how + important of a part of your life they are, that is when you get + past infatuation. reflection, i guess. honest reflection, + though. if you're not honest with yourself, it can become another + form of infatuation. + + did i just devalidate everything i just said? I can't tell. + +Murmur: That was, uh, scintillating. Seriously, though, I think the + most meaningful comment was the last -- if infatuation really is + a temporary thing, something that can't last, then once you take + a look back and actually consider what's going on, you've got to + recognize that the infatuation is being replaced by something + else. What that something else is, though, might not be what you + think. + +Jamesy: it might be a giant void, sucking at your inner being. i hate + it when that happens. and apparently, it's happened 11 times in + the computer underground. but, yes, i know what you mean. + Infatuation can only last as long as you don't take the time out + to reflect on what you're doing. However, as i stressed before, + you can mindfuck yourself when you reflect. "this is so perfect + for me!" might be a nightmare for the other person. you have to + be honest with yourself and what you have in front of you. TRUTH + OR DARE, MURMUR? + +Murmur: uh, yeah! er, truth. + +Jamesy: Have you ever had an experience where you felt love developed + very quickly? + +Murmur: What do you mean by "very quickly"? + +Jamesy: Like, within a very short period of time. + +Murmur: A week? A month? A year? + +Jamesy: You can define "a very short period of time" for YOURSELF, + ASSFACE. + +Murmur: uhhh, okay. hmmm. well, it's not like i can speak from all that + much in the way of personal experience. i guess i'd have to say + yes -- but only conditionally -- because i can really only claim + to have seriously been in love once. i think we sort of knew + each other for about a month and a half or so, then we started + like, talking for about a month, and then we dated for three and + a half months. these are, mind you, two people that haven't ever + had a "significant other" before. by the time we broke up, i was + in love. i don't even question that. and i guess that that + might seem like a short period of time -- overall, it was really + only about three to four months, i suppose, that it took me to + come to this conclusion -- but i don't really know if that's a + "very short period of time" or not. and since it was the first + time, and since i was younger and stupider, i was really kind of + in this stupid secondary dimension where i thought nothing could + go wrong -- but i was nonetheless, from my vantage point in that + dimension, very much in love. i was willing to let develop + quickly. i wanted love to develop quickly. i had the romantic + image that when you date you date on the expectation that it will + be dating for life. and if the rest of your life begins today -- + then i wanna be in love for the rest of it. if that makes sense. + uh, does that answer the question? + +Jamesy: Sure. Do you think there's a difference between this fast and + furious love you speak of and, say, the love a couple that have + been married for 25 years have? how does love evolve? is it a + flower, waiting to bloom, or a mutual stock that hits an + unexpected boom? + +Murmur: as i explained to that girlfriend, basically, people have these + buckets of love in their heads. these buckets are limitless; + once you reach a certain level, you've reached love, and love + just continues to grow and grow and grow. or it can recede. is + there a difference between "fast and furious" love and the love + of 25 years? sure. but at its very core, it's the same basic + concept. love, of course, will be different from person to + person, so it's difficult, quite arduous indeed, to attempt a + generalization. + + how does love evolve? love is like a stock market, i guess, as + ridiculous as it sounds. well, i don't know. you said that + infatuation carries with it a time limit; but i don't think + that's necessarily true, really, when i stop and think about it. + i truly believe that a couple can remain infatuated with one + another for years and years and years, well beyond the point of + having fallen in love, exactly. there are things that can damage + love and there are things that can boost it -- people through + "demonstrating" their love can really deeply impact their + partner, or, people can do things like, say, kill their partner's + father, and things like that may tend to undermine the love. + + love really can be played out like a business in a lot of ways -- + but to me that may only be truly bad if you're talking about + someone that would treat his or her business with anything less + than a sincere amount of care for what they're doing. treating + love like a cigarette company and treating love like a record + store, therefore, are two different things. i think the one is + sad, and the other can really be a good thing. please pardon the + rather absurd analogies. + + sometimes no matter how much love you put into a business -- no + matter what you invest, time or money wise -- it collapses on + you. it's the same thing with relationships. how many people + are there that really wish they could have been happy with their + spouse/fiancee/etc. but realized that there was just something + missing, something they needed to find in someone else? there + are so many different potential elements of love -- there's trust + and there's respect, but then there are things like romance too + -- just like there are a lot of potential factors in a business. + the main thing is that you can't be mechanical when approaching + either one. it's not about number crunching, it's about + hunches, it's about aesthetics -- i'm not sure what you might + call that when it comes to a business, but i think that might be + the romance factor in a relationship. + + there's also the problem of owning a mom and pop hardware store + and then having menards pop up next door -- but, uh.. yeah. + +Jamesy: Infatuation certainly has a time limit in the framework of a + _relationship_. that's what i was speaking of. of course, if + you're not actually seeing someone, simply obsessed with them, you + may very well end up obsessed with them all your life if you are + never given the chance to do anything with them. but that usually + doesn't happen, because the person being obsessed over is usually + smart enough to totally ignore the obsessive one and get far, far + away from them. + +Murmur: wait! that's not what i'm talking about! what about the concept + of having a "twinkle in your eye"? isn't there a dose of + infatuation in love? or what would you call that? + +Jamesy: i don't think you can be infuated with someone you understand. + if you understand the person, if you truly know them, there isn't + something so mystical about them that is so alluring. + +Murmur: then what would you CALL the allure? + +Jamesy: i wouldn't. when you love someone, you don't have a twinkle in + your eye, unless you have floaters, and then you should probably + see your doctor about high blood pressure. love is a continual + flow of emotion and feeling between two people. if you see that + as a "twinkle in the eye," maybe that's the physical + representation of that concept that you envision. + +Murmur: "physical representation". well. hrm. okay. so, then, JAMES + HETFIELD OF MILK & TEA, TRUTH OR DARE? + +Jamesy: Dare!!! + +Murmur: damn you!! okay. uhm.. yeah! i dare you to SELL ME YOUR + GIRLFRIEND! + +Jamesy: what happens if you don't do a dare? do you remember? + +Murmur: uhh.. you lose. + +Jamesy: okay! i lose! + +Murmur: er, okay. i win! + +Jamesy: TRUTH OR DARE, MURMUR? BEST TWO OUT OF THREE! + +Murmur: you bastard. fine. truth. + +Jamesy: name the capitol of the czech republic. + +Murmur: you spelled "capital" wrong. and it's Prague. truth or dare? + +Jamesy: TROOF! + +Murmur: let's go back to "physical representation". how important a role + does physicality play in your relationship? and from as + objective a position as you can stand, why do you think this is + good or bad? + +Jamesy: in terms of a relationship, physicality is essential. it's part + of the whole process. whether we like it or not, our little + programs in our heads dictate the way we feel about potential + mates. and sexuality is a sure-fire way of expressing these + feelings. what would be the difference between a friendship and + a relationship without physicality? there wouldn't be any. sex + is what makes relationships a go-go. + + i don't want to put a value judgement on whether or not sex is + "good" or "bad." i've had very positive physical experiences as + of late, so of course i'm going to say it's "good." but most + people aren't as lucky as i am. it can be a very stressful + thing. but, like any other part of a relationship, communication + is the key. once you're honest to each other and open, it'll + all work out. in this context, an open and honest one, sexuality + is wonderful. + +Murmur: the question wasn't so much "is sex good or bad?" but rather more + one of how it relates to other facets of the relationship. for + many, the relationship begins with a kiss -- and sexuality is + used as benchmarking for the progress of the relationship. of + course, some people just bang the first night out, more or less + disvalidating that concept. so, uhm, yeah, this isn't going + anywhere. + + oh, hell, i'll come up with something later. go on. + +Jamesy: sexuality is important because it is a non-verbal form of + communication. there are so many ways to address the way you + feel about someone through sexuality. granted, you may not be + able to say, "are you hungry? let's go to steak and shake!" but, + in terms of feelings, it's a reliable way to show you care about + someone else. of course, you have to know what you're doing, + and that's why you need to purchase my newest self-help novel, + "zibble-zen and the art of body massage." + +Murmur: but of course. "chapter five: how to make jungle noises." + +Jamesy: truth or dare, murmur? + +Murmur: truth!@#@!@# + +Jamesy: tell us about your first sexual encounter, and how it paved the way + for your six (count em, six) links on the sexchart? + +Murmur: "paved the way"? grrreat. define "first sexual encounter" for me + so i know where to begin, then. + +Jamesy: the first time you got your nudies wet with another's saliva! + +Murmur: uh, i was in the wrong house in the wrong city in the wrong state + with the wrong person at the wrong time. didn't seem like it + then, granted, but, well, that's often how things work -- you + just don't know what hole you've gotten yourself into. + +Jamesy: luckily, i can't say the same for me. i find myself continually + in a state of euphoria about this wonderful incarnation of the + next buddha i am currently with. but anyway. does the fact that + your first sexual experience was in a fairly flawed relationship + make you hesitate from being sexual again? do you view it in any + different light because of past pain? + +Murmur: since i think i can better answer the question better from a + broader perspective, i'll do that. do i hesitate from being + sexual again? yes and no. it comes and goes in cycles. there + are a couple of ways i suppose i'd put it -- no, if i had it all + to do over again, i wouldn't do that the exact same way, that was + really fucked up. but at the same time, i've been involved in + pretty meaningless brief flings -- they never materialized into + the aforementioned (as pixy might put it) cum guzzling -- and + i've come away with mixed perceptions of that. i guess there's a + few things at work here. the most successful relationship i've + been in to date, that first one, was also the least sexually + inclined. and the best way i can put my current stance is that i + have my own limits right now but they're not all that limited. + at the same time, however, that doesn't mean i'm out looking for + all available hand jobs. + + i think that being involved in some sexual sense with too many + people can really cheapen things when you get involved with + someone that you're actually really serious about and not just + really horny about, yes. prior to the unfortunate transpirings + of last spring (the wrong state scenario and so on) i was + involved in this brief little fling that just this week the other + person involved just flatly informed me was really a case of me + being horny more than anything else. and she was right. and i + really can't explain myself, and i really don't think i need to. + i don't think i've done anything bad or wrong in that sense. + i've done things i regret, but not on moral grounds. i regret + them sort of in the same way i would regret having spent a dollar + on a lottery ticket, or losing money at the kentucky derby. that + kind of cheapens what i'm saying but it's not like i feel bad in + the same way i would if, say, i'd hit you with a car and you + couldn't walk anymore. does that make sense? + + while at one end of the spectrum i wish i had a lot of stuff back + because i think it would make me purer or more righteous for any + woman present and/or future, i have to accept that if not for my + past experiences, i wouldn't be here. fact is that the best + relationship i had failed because i was inable to maintain it, + mostly because i had no experience with what i was doing and got + all stupid in the head. + +Jamesy: so, your basic word of advice to people is, "don't get all stupid + in the head?" how would you define that in more specific terms? + +Murmur: well, that sounds kind of silly in and of itself. let me put it + in vaguely more meaningful terms. + + okay, see, there's sex. and sex can take place with someone you + really really love or sex can take place with a two bit whore + from decatur. now, you said that sexuality, physicality, is an + important aspect of a relationship. well, i suppose i'm not + enough of a gigolo to speak for it very well myself, but i can + very clearly see using sex for sheer _physical_ gratification + taking away very strongly from the employment of sex as a means + of physical and _emotional_ gratification. screwing around with + someone when all that matters to you is your cock is fine and + dandy in and of itself, i suppose; but i don't think you can + really very seriously do that and then go back and apply a whole + lot of emotional meaning to it when it's become such an + uber-physical act for you. + + the problem is that i've brought myself to over-generalize so + much at this point that i don't entirely believe what i'm saying + in my own context. let me try to put things as they are for me. + i've done a lot of stuff i'm not _proud_ of -- but it's not like + you're supposed to take pride in it, necessarily. nonetheless, + there are a lot of encounters i look back upon with far more + positive inclinations than negative, and then there are those + most specifically to the contrary. + + sex for the hell of it, just general making out for the hell of + it, to me seems like a really fucked up concept. and i speak + somewhat from experience on that. i'm not talking about things + like going to a party and without really specifically meaning to + picking a chick up with a spatula -- because that's youth and + frolic. i'm talking about things like going over to see a whore, + someone you don't really like all that much, 'cause there's not + much else to do. things like that really cheapen encounters + you're going to have with people you really like and grow to + care about -- if done repeatedly. + + from where i'm standing right now, the only way i can really put + it is that i'm not uptight about "doing more" most of the time, + yet i'm quite content with whatever may happen. i sometimes tend + to feel bad when i want more out of a situation than whoever i'm + with, and i can't even entirely begin to explain that, but even + while i say that -- there's no replacement for actually being + with someone you really, really, really think is wonderful, + someone who when you're done doing whatever you're doing you're + more than willing to jump up and get into a good-natured argument + or debate or scrabble game or whatever. none of liz phair's + "fuck and run" for me, if you will. at least, that's the + current mindset, and it's been known to change in the past. + +Jamesy: I can't believe we're talking about love and relationships to the + tune of interstellar overdrive, but that's ok. here's my + explanation. yes, you're completely correct. but there is a + difference in the communication involved in a flip-and-fuck with + someone and the communication involved with being with someone + you care a lot about. one is a lot of groping and the other is + much more sensual. although blind groping is relevant in + meaningful relationships as well, that is not the way to + communicate the way you feel about someone else to them. + +Murmur: well, one would hope that someone you care a lot about you don't + just go blind groping about for after. something like that. + + uh, who's turn? oh, yeah. JAMES HETFIELD OF OBL + + oh christ, truth or dare? + +Jamesy: DARE + +Murmur: bastard. i dare you to... DRINK THIS PITCHER OF HOT AND VERY + BUBBLING LAVA! + +Jamesy: okay!!! AAHAGHGGHGHGH!GGGH!GH@#%^@@%$ + +Murmur: oh dear. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #109 - written by jamesy & murmur - 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0111.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0111.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..093e1bf4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0111.txt @@ -0,0 +1,220 @@ + + moo. ** **** oink. + /** *///** + /** /* */* ***** + ***** ***** /****** /* * /* **///** ***** ***** + ///// ///// /**///** /** /* /******* ///// ///// + /** /** /* /* /**//// + /** /** / **** //****** hogs of entropy + // // //// ////// issue #111 + + >> "the rise of the mogels, part two" << + by -> nybar + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + >>-+ JURRASIC MOGEL 2: the lost mogels!!! +-<< + + ---------------------------------------------- + Mogel Island, 8:00 + ---------------------------------------------- + + a wealthy british family picnics on a small island they got to +from their yacht. their daughter is being a bitch. + + their daughter: "WHAWHAWHA! I'M A BITCH!" + + The father: "FUCK!~@$# I"M A FUCKIN' ALCOHOLIC!@$ BEAT MY WIFE! + YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH@!#$@!#$!@$" + + The mother: "Honey... take this big carrot RUN LIKE HELL!!" + + their daughter takes the carrot and starts skipping merrily off. +the father CRACKS a whiskey bottle over his wifes head, and.. mad at her +for wasting whiskey, kicks her in the pelvic reigon + + Daughter: *skipping* "Tra-lalalalalala, tra-lalalalalala." + + the daughter looks down, and, about the size of a mid sized rock, +see's a full grown mogel. + + Daughter: "Hey there cutey... how are you doin'?" + + Mogel sniffs at the air, when he catches the carrots scent he +drools and, fearful of taking on such a big 8 year old girl by himself, +growls for his companions! + + Mogel: "Growl!@" + + lots of little mogels jump out of nowhere! + + Daughter "MOMMEY DADDY, COME SEE THIS!! AIIiiIEEEEEEEE!#$_}#+#_%&" + + the mogels are swarming over her big carrot, devouring it to +shreds!! + + Daughter: "Get off all of you little jewish bastards! GET OFF + OF MY CARROT!$@!!" + + the mother and father arrive.. and seem pretty indifferent to +their daughters carrot... then the father hits the wife and she SCREAMS + + ------------------------------ + The mainland, somewhere in DE. + ------------------------------ + + nybar walks along the street, and see's paranoid gay guy who wets +himself and needs to get a job. + + Cerkit: "Dewd! I saw you on TV! Yer that Jurrasic mogel guy!" + + Nybar: "Wheet." + + Cerkit: "NO! I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON! BWAHHH!!!" + + a lightning bolt hits cerkit, and he catches fire and scapers +around madly, then falls down an open manhole and dies. they throw his +corpse out cause it's a *MAN* hole. + + nybar walks inside a building that says "Jurrasic mogel insitute, +goes upstairs and see's jubjub, who has a white haired wig on, and is in a +sick bed with an IV next to him. + + Nybar: "Umm... what's with the hair and the IV?" + + Jubjub: "Trying to be true to the original movie, I'll lose em." + + Nybar: "Elite, can I have em? I can sell em for like 500 times + the retail to poor dewds." + + Jubjub: "I get 10 per." + + Nybar: "Deal!" + + *they shake hands* + + Jubjub: "Oh.. umm... go to mogel island." + + Nybar (his voice filled with emotion): "I...... nearly... lost.. + a nice....salad... there.. BEFORRREEEEEE@!!$!@$!@$!@%&@!4" + + a single tear rolls down nybar's cheek. + + Jubjub: "Umm.. your stupid black kid is going to sneak there with + you and I sent your cat already." + + Nybar: "Ummm.. black kid?" + + Jubjub: "Just trying to be true to the plot" + + Nybar: "Whatever" + + *THWIP* + + Nybar: "ohhh.." + + ------------------------------------------------- + Some crazy cuban dudes boat.. umm... like.. 12:00 + ------------------------------------------------- + + Nybar: "Where the fuck am I?!! I thought I was talking to + jubjub!@$#@!$ I was going to reject his stupid offer and + send froboy to get my cat.." + + Jubjub: "I anticipated that, so I drugged you and crated you to + this boat." + + Nybar: "Now we're all going to this island full of 3 ft tall + vegetarian predators... WHOOOO!!!" + + Jubjub: "OH NO! I thought we would want to eat healthy so I + only packed SALAD!!!" + + Nybar: "This is exactly what happened the last time... we're + DOOMED!" + + Cuban dude: "Diablo!! Diablo! el es un oso!" + + Nybar: "What'd he say?" + + froboy jumps onscreen and says: "I dunno... but I wouldn't + wanna live there!!" + + Jubjub: "I believe he said this is the island of death where he + and his cuban friend have lost several salad lunches to + surly 4 ft tall vegetarin predators." + + Nybar: "Um.. I think he said "Devil, Devil, it is a bear." + + Jubjub: "Well.. I was close." + + -------------------------------- + on the island.... umm.... today. + -------------------------------- + + Nybar: "I wonder where my cat is!" + + nybar's Cat jumps onscreen and says: "So do I, but don't call + me often!!!" + + Nybar: "Um.. hi. So whats the purpose of this expedetion?" + + Jubjub: "To Observe. It is imperative we preserve the natural + balance! If even ONE MOGEL is killed it could be + DISATEROUS!" + + nybar jubjub and froboy looks out at exactly 100 4 ft tall +mogels. nybar throws a carrot among the ranks and they all start fighting +over it, until only one is left. + + Jubjub THINKS: "I can't take him anywhere." + + Nybar: "well.. look over there! Cloning lab! lets just clone that + one who's left and 100 times and we'll have 101!" + + Jubjub: "Good idea! While your doing that, we'll set up a salad + lunch." + + Nybar: "OK!" + + nybar walks into the lab with the mogel. he clones it 100 times. + + Nybar: "Hmm... he would be happier if there were MORE mogels." + + he clones it 5000 times... and then, despite his best efforts.. +they run outside. + + ----- + + froboy takes a bite of his salad. + + Froboy: "What's that pitter patter?" + + nybar runs out of the lab and yells: "RUNNNN WITHHH THE + SALLLLLLAAAADDDDSSSS!!!" + + Jubjub: "YAHHHHHHHHH!@$!@)*@#%)*!@*!#@$" + + Jubjub and froboy pick up their salads and start running like hell. +nybar quickly gets his and catches up to them.* + + Jubjub: "To the van!!" + + Nybar: "Umm.." + + they jump in the van and jubjub proceeds to drive it halfway off a +cliff. + + + + Nybar: "The van is halfway off the cliff!" + + Froboy: "It could fall any second!!!" + + Jubjub: "And the mogel's are coming!!!!" + + TO... BE.... CONTINUED!! + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #111 -- written by -> nybar -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0112.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0112.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..57df3efe --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0112.txt @@ -0,0 +1,135 @@ + __ __ + _______ _______ /\ \ /'__`\ _______ _______ +/\______\ /\______\ \ \ \___ /\ \/\ \ __ /\______\ /\______\ +\/______/_\/______/_ \ \ _ `\ \ \ \ \ /'__`\ \/______/_\/______/_ + /\______\ /\______\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \_\ \/\ __/ /\______\ /\______\ + \/______/ \/______/ \ \_\ \_\ \____/\ \____\ \/______/ \/______/ + \/_/\/_/\/___/ \/____/ + + HoE TeXt pHyLez #112!!!!1 + + >> "militia entrance exam" << + + (a very old, unfinished t-file that mogel found on his harddrive) + + written by the late "IM2K" + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + _The Official XXXXX (Insert state) Militia Entrance Exam_ + +--- + +1. List your area of birth: __ + +A. New England Yank +B. Midwestern Ditz +C. Southern Racist +D. California Stoned Surfer + +NOTE: All entrees with D need not continue. Thank you for trying, the man + with the handcuffs will take you away now. + +--- + +2. Please note personal religion: __ + +A. Liberal Baptist +B. Liberal Protestant +C. Liberal Methodist +D. Liberal Liberal Eucharaian +E. CONSERVATIVE BELIEFS + +--- + +3. If you noted "C" for question #1, please answer the following: + What is your highest level of education? __ + +A. 2nd grade +B. 3rd grade +C. 4th grade +D. 1st grade +E. Other (Please explain) + +--- + +4. What types of firearms do your personally own? (List all that apply) + +A. Ak-47 +B. M-16 or older model +C. Automatic rifle +D. Magnum 45 +E. Police .38 +F. .22 snub nose +G. None (Please explain) + +--- + +5. What is the highest calliber gun you own? __ + +A. 50 +B. 45 +C. 38 +D. 22 + +--- + +6. What is your IQ? + +A. 50 +B. 45 +C. 38 +D. 22 + +--- + +7. What is your name? __ + +A. Billy-Bob +B. Billy-Joe +C. Billy-Sam +D. Billy-XXXX +E. Other (Please explain) + +--- + +8. What are the identifing characterists of a jack-booted government thug? + +A. Ridiculous earphone thing +B. Bad suit (Paid w/ my money!) +C. Obvious car +D. Boots (jack-booted) +E. Haircut (usually long like a friggin' hippie) +F. Foreigner + +--- + +9. Do you know the location of your nearest Ryder agency? + +A. Yes +B. No +C. Unsure + +--- + +10. Please provide a set of your fingerprints (If you can't find a copy, + your local police agency will probably be happy to lend you a copy). + + + Right Thumb Other Right Thumb + + +--- + +11. Which of the following do you personally believe? (List all that apply) + +A. Elvis is alive. +B. The government is out to get you. +C. The UN is just a plot to let foreigners take over the US. +D. She was asking for it. +E. All of the above. + +This concludes your exam. You'll be notified of your status within days. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #112 -- written by IM2K -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0113.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0113.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e2d115d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0113.txt @@ -0,0 +1,259 @@ + + o o o__ __o__/_ + hogs of entropy <|> <|> <| v + issue 113 < > < > < > "whee!" + | | o__ __o | + _\__o__ o__/_ _\__o /v v\ o__/_ _\__o__ + \ | | /> <\ | \ + \ oink! / + "moo!" | | o o | + / \ / \ <\__ __/> / \ _\o__/_ + + >> "who the fuck is this jesus christ guy?" << + by -> creep + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + It seems like it was millennia ago.. oh wait, it was millennia +ago. I was a high powered young corporate executive, president of Heaven, +which pretty much meant I was in charge except for the big guy (Mr. gOD) +who was c.e.o. I was pretty much his right hand man. We got along pretty +well most of the time, except for the occasional spat about certain +executive decisions, like who should be promoted to angel or who needed to +be fired (in other words, cast out). He was an overly fair guy, sometimes +too fair. He wanted to give everybody as much leniency as possible, and +he was very forgiving. I, on the other hand, was much more strict. I put +a lot of pressure on people, I felt I should crack down, make them do +their work the way they should. And quite often did I fire people who +needed to be, slackers who wouldn't do their job like they were supposed +to. That set an example for the others. + + gOD was essentially a nice guy, but don't piss him off, he might +shove a lightning bolt up your ass or set your house on fire, or hell +knows (no pun intended) what else. Being the #1 guy, the big cheese, the +head honcho, that meant there was nobody to reprimand him for anything he +did, so he had this nasty habit of taking what he wanted, when he wanted +it. Which included the young lady of which this tale revolves around, the +young virgin Mary. + + Mary was a cute young girl, only 17 and never been laid yet (how +she avoided those terrible brute soldiers I don't know). One day, gOD +happened to be peering down over his earthly kingdom when he noticed young +Mary walking home from her studies (she went to some Jew school, forgot +the name). While walking down the trail, she suddenly stopped and looked +around. After checking to make sure nobody was around, she hopped into +the bushes, well out of sight from any passersby that might come down the +trail. Once hidden, Mary laid down on the ground and hiked her dress up +to her waist. She stuck her finger in her mouth and sucked on it +seductively for a minute, then slid her hand down between her ample +breasts and down her stomach. Her breaths drew faster as she moved her +hand between her legs and slid it underneith the wasteline of her panties. +Her slender fingers slowly caressed her outer labia, then spread them +apart with her pointer and ring fingers, while her middle finger gently +massaged her throbbing clit. With her free hand, Mary grabbed a stick and +put it in her mouth to bite on to keep her from screaming out loud where +anyone walking down the trail might hear her. She then took her other +hand and ran it underneith her leg so she could finger fuck herself while +she massaged and rubber her clit. Mary moaned slightly from the +incredible ecstasy she brought herself. After 10 minutes she finally +came, thrashing and kicking in the dirt, all the while trying not to make +a single sound. + + gOD watched in awe from his throne up above. Never before had he +witnessed such activity. In a way he was outraged at such filth, that his +children could do such obscene things while they thought nobody was +watching. He sat in his throne, angered, pondering what to do. As he +switched hands to support his chin while he pondered, his other hand came +to rest on his lap. He then noticed his incredible erection (and boy do I +mean incredible. I mean, he IS gOD after all) and cursed himself for +letting such obscenity arouse him so. But he couldn't help it. He looked +down again and saw that still nobody was around. Mary was just picking +herself up and brushing off the dirt from her back. Suddenly in front of +her, in a blinding flash of light, gOD appeared before her. She knew +right away why he was there, and dropped to her knees and begged for +forgiveness. + + "oh dear gOD, please forgive me! I have sinned!" she babbled. + + "oh shut the fuck up.." gOD retorted as he unzipped the fly on his +enormous golden loin cloth. + + "but..but.. what are you doing?" she inquired in between sobs, + + "just shut up and suck it, bitch.." he commanded. + + Still on her knees, she crawled over to him, and proceeded to take +the length of his mighty shaft into her mouth. Impatiently, he grabbed +her by the hair and rammed his titanic cock down her throat. She choked +and gagged for a bit, then loosened her esophogus and straightened out her +neck to make it fit. He withdrew and thrust his monstrous phallus down +her throat once again. He repeated this several times then pulled out and +threw her down on the ground, ripped her panties off and mounted her. He +mercilessly impaled her tight young virginal cunt on his cock, nearly +splitting her open. He fucked her violently for 20 minutes until he +ejaculated his mighty load (seemed like gallons, the shit was coming out +of her ears and oozing from her bloody swollen cunt hole). Satisfied, he +stood up and wiped his tool off with her hair. He looked up and saw two +villagers standing there, watching in disbelief. He looked them straight +in the eye and raised his hand, and they both became emersed in red light +and suddenly vanished, not a trace of them left. He turned back around +and looked down at the sobbing girl. He merely grinned and ascended back +to his kingdom above. Mary picked up her things and ran home, crying. + + Little to his knowledge, he had impregnated her. A few months +afterward, her stomach bulged out slightly. One day I decided to take a +trip down to earth and scope out the action down there. I had made myself +invisible, so the humans wouldn't all freak out and bow down and all that +stupid shit. After a few hours of spying on the mortals, I grew bored and +decided to take a leisurely walk down the trail. Once I was out of sight, +I made myself visible again and continued my stroll. As I was walking +down the trail, I saw a young girl walking back towards the village. I +ducked behind a tree and watched her. She paused for a moment at one +particular spot, staring down at the ground and began to cry. I just +stood there, staring at her, when I accidentally lost my balance and fell +down. She saw me and began screaming. I ran up to her and smacked her +across the face and commanded her to be silent. + + "No please, not again! please!" + + "SHUT UP!" + + She silenced herself and just sat there, waiting for me to do +whatever she expected me to do. From my point of view, I could see right +down the top of her dress. Quite the cleavage there was. I also noticed +the way she was sitting, I could see most of her leg, right up her thigh. +Almost instantly I became erect. For a half pregnant girl, she was very +attractive. I couldn't resist the temptation, and I forced her up onto +her knees and bent her over, then moved around behind her and unzipped my +fly. I dropped to my knees and lifted her skirt up and felt all over her +beautiful soft round ass. Without hesitation I pulled her panties off and +thrust my own enormous cock into her soft wet cunt. She screamed in pain +(I later learned at the Heaven Bar that my cock was bigger than the big +guy's, but I'll tell you about that later). I ran the entire length of my +shaft into her cunt, shattering the barely developed fetus within her +womb. I fucked her hard and fast for a good 45 minutes (I also have more +stamina). I shot my enormous load deep inside her and withdrew, my cock +covered in blood and cum and fetal debris. I picked her up and forced the +bitch to lick it clean, then smacked her in the face and returned to +heaven. Later on I paid her a second visit and this time I impregnated +her again. + + That same day upon my second visit to young mary, gOD and a +servant angel were going through the log books, checking the past few +months' events. Somewhere during the reading, gOD fell back in his chair +and groaned miserably when he had read that a young girl named Mary was +pregnant, and the father was not to be found. Depressed, he went to the +Heaven Bar later that night to drown his sorrows. I walked in grinning +ear to ear about my activities of that day and took a seat right next to +gOD. + + "Hey gOD, whats shakin?" + + "Oh the worst fucking thing happened to me?" + + "Whats that?" + + "You don't want to know. What did you do today?" + + "Nothing much.. just took a little visit down to earth." + + "Oh really? how'd it go?" + + "It was fun :)" + + "Glad somebody enjoyed themselves today" + + "Ah, relax man, have a few. on me." + + "What do you mean, 'on you'? I own everything and you're an + executive. We fucking drink for free." + + "oh yeah. well. you know what I mean." + + 45 minutes and a dozen shots later, gOD and I had a great time at +the bar in our drunken stupor. 'Welcome to the Jungle' by Guns-N-Roses +came on the jukebox and gOD started dancing (he can't dance worth shit +btw). We all laughed and had a merry old time. When he was done making +an ass of his heavenly self, he came back to where we were sitting and +asked me what I did on my trip to earth today. Being drunk as shit, I +obliged unwittingly. + + "Oh man, I took a walk and ran into this young chick. She was + half pregnant, but man oh man was she hot. Pair of legs that + run all the way up to her neck, and a set of titties.. WHOO!" + + "did you say half-pregnant?" + + "Yeah.. she was still hot tho.. I think her name was Mary or + something." + + Instantly his face turned green and he ran out of the bar, puked +for a while then went back up to his office on the top cloud. I went back +to my lush house on the vista cloud and passed out. I came in late to +work the next morning, hung over as shit. My secretary told me that gOD +was waiting to see me in his office. I walked down the big hallway to his +big office where he sat in his big chair behind his big desk chewing on +aspirin and drinking a big cup of coffee. + + "You wanted to see me?" + + "Yeah.. that chick you raped yesterday?" + + "Umm yeah, what about her?" I feigned inconcern. + + "I already raped her." + + "you WHAT?!" + + "Yeah.. and I got her pregnant." + + "You mean that was your...?" + + "Yep." + + "Oh shit." + + "You're FUCKING RIGHT 'OH SHIT'!@# YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE?" + + "Hey RELAX dammit, how the fuck was I supposed to know." + + "THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER YOU LITTLE SHIT!" + + "HEY FUCK YOU ALRIGHT, ITS NOT MY FAULT" + + "NO FUCK YOU, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE, YOU'RE FIRED!" + + "I'M WHAT? YOU'RE FIRING ME?" + + "YEAH, I AM.. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT!" + + "Fine.. fuck you then.. you know there are shitloads of other + gODS in other universes that would jump to hire me at much + better positions for a LOT bigger salary." + + "I don't give a shit, not like you do anything anyway. You won't + be any trouble to replace, you know how many other angels would + jump to fill in your spot and do a much better job at half the + salary?" + + "Kiss my ass, I'm outta here." + + "Yeah fuck you too.. you little shit." + + And so I was cast out of Heaven. I still had a good rapport with +the angels that were grateful to me for making them do their job so well +and took pride in what they had accomplished. So I took 1/3rd of the +angels of heaven with me and formed my own kingdom down below earth. We +ditched the silly white uniforms with wings and got some spiffy red and +black ones. Meanwhile the other 2/3rd of the angels remained above (I +took all the hard working ones with me, left all the slackers..thats why +Heaven went to shit and took earth with it..snicker). Meanwhile gOD made +a few visits down to earth, this time visible and bullshitted the people +about Mary's baby and claimed it to be his still. He gave them some +lame-o story about how his "holy son" was to be the savior and that he +would give his life for their sins. Mary was of Mexican descent, so she +decided to name him Jesus. Little Jesus grew up to make a terrible living +at being a carpenter. + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #113 -- written by creep -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0114.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0114.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..566891c0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0114.txt @@ -0,0 +1,84 @@ + hogs of entropy corporation special report 114 + __________________________________________________ + + / + --------------/__--------__--------__------------- + / ) / ) /___) + ____________/___/_____(___/_____(___ _____________ + + >> "the boy who seeks happiness meets darkthrone" << + by -> murmur + + --------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "they call me fitzsimmons + but i'm not quite sure why + i just seek eternal happiness + do you know where it lies?" + + such is the song of fitzsimmons, the boy who seeks happiness. my, if + he hasn't had one hell of a time finding that darned happiness. he keeps + going around and singing his song and annoying the shit out of people just + because he wants to be happy - as if the dumb fucker wasn't happy enough! + + one day fitzsimmons was racing around some green hills somewhere and + he came upon some unusually toad shaped people and he sang his song. + + "they call me fitzsimmons, + but i'm not quite sure why. + i just seek eternal happiness, + do you know where it lies?" + + the toad people directed fitzsimmons to the large area of land known + vaguely as the "scandinavian peninsula". little did fitzsimmons know that + happiness does not exist in scandinavia, all that exist in scandinavia are + higher tax rates, advanced welfare states, & fjords. + + well, fitzsimmons got to that scandinavia place and he found this + charming place called helsinki and he sang his song to some people on the + street. + + "they call me fitzsimmons, + but i'm not quite sure why. + i just seek eternal happiness, + do you know where it lies?" + + the poor finns didn't know what the hell the idiot north american was + talking about, but someone thought he might be talking about whales. they + told him to go to norway. + + fitzsimmons found the mythical norway, although he took a very + ridiculous path to get there. i mean, helsinki isn't that far from norway, + but i'll be damned if he didn't somehow go through al's meats. well, there + he was in norway and he sang his song for somebody who paid too much in + taxes. + + "they call me fitzsimmons, + but i'm not quite sure why. + i just seek eternal happiness, + do you know where it lies?" + + the conservative norseman didn't really care to deal with him so he + muttered something about eronymous and left. thinking this was a clue, + fitzsimmons asked people about the mysterious "eronymous" until a youth + informed him that it was not eronymous, but in fact the mythical lord + grishnackh that he should seek. eronymous was dead. + + so fitzsimmons searched for lord grishnach and was subsequently + informed that darkthrone was on the abandoned apple hill. there are no + abandoned apple hills in norway, of course, but fitzsimmons rummaged his way + there and encountered the members of the real norwegian black metal band + darkthrone, fronted by lord grishnackh. + + "they call me fitzsimmons, + but i'm not quite sure why. + i just seek eternal happiness, + do you know where it lies?" + + lord grishnackh feasted on fitzsimmons's soul that night and the + editor was too lazy to go back and change any verb tenses to make that + apparent. + + + --------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #114 -- written by murmur -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0115.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0115.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..49af4c2e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0115.txt @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- +_| _| _|_| _|_|_|_| +_| _| _| _| _| * - - hogs of entropy e'zine #115 +_|_|_|_| _| _| _|_|_| >> "it's me!" << +_| _| _| _| _| * - - a text file by nyar +_| _| _|_| _|_|_|_| +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Hi there. You might be wondering who I am. Well its me! + +You might remember me from my days in BLaH. +You might remember me from my days in MiLK +You DON'T remember me from my days in OBLOIDISM (however Jamesy spelled it) + +But, there is a new me now. A different me. And this new me will let you +in on a little ckrut. I can't write anymore. You know why? Because I +decided to become an Engineer, and we all know that engineers are +unarticulate. Well, some fool might be thinking "Hey, you are writing +now." Well, shut up. + +Ok, lets assume for a minute that you do remember me. Well, in that case, +I still hate lampreys. However, I no longer have as much control over TV. +I know this because if I did there wouldn't be any TV anymore. Other than +that, its the same old me. Except I am improved. I know have a Kung Fu Grip. + +Enough about me. What about you? Well who cares about you. You are a +peon. I am everything you are nothing. Or perhaps it is vice versa. But +in that case, how would this have been written? I win, end of story. + +Well that about wraps up this little essay on me. Maybe I will write +about me again. Or not. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #115 -- written by nyar -- 6/15/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0116.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0116.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a7850e3d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0116.txt @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ + + \|/ 8 8 \|/ 8"""88 \|/ 8"""" \|/ + /|\ 8 8 /|\ 8 8 /|\ 8 /|\ + 8eee8 8 8 8eeee + 88 8 8 8 88 + 88 8 8 8 88 + 88 8 ogs 8eeee8 f 88eee ntropy + + THE TEXT FILES OF WINNERS, LIKE *YOU*! + + oink? - we present issue 116 - oink? + + >> the dangerous streets of nyc << + + submitted under external influence and written + shortly before the first dummercon in 1995 + + and also published *without* the author's permission just + to get a reaction like "holy blue!" out of him -- GOD WE'RE SILLY! + + by -> eerie + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + the other day me and my pals ratzie and tuttie were walking in the +dangerous streets of fucking new york city when we found out that they really +needed a replacement for those "walk/don't walk" light thingies. + + i figured, okay, when it's time to walk, let's have the sign say: + + walk + + it's alright. however, why "don't walk"? i mean, aren't people in +the middle of the street gonna stop walking and get hit by a car? well, +that's just plain _stupid_! the light should say: + + walk faster + + now, after some time, when it's just about to stop flashing, the +light should change to: + + run muthafucka + + and finally, we would put up a light that says: + + too late + + well, just a thought. + + did you ever notice how chromatik had the same initials as calvin +klein?! i mean, that's food for thought! + + "man, there's no thought involved in there. there's not even food!" + + - rattle + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #116 -- written by eerie -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0117.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0117.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6de413c9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0117.txt @@ -0,0 +1,100 @@ + .d8888888b. 888 .d8888b. .d8888888b. + d88P" "Y88b 888 d88P Y88b d88P" "Y88b + 888 d8b 888 888 888 888 888 d8b 888 + 888 888 888 88888b. 888 888 .d88b. 888 888 888 + 888 888bd88P 888 "88b 888 888 d8P Y8b 888 888bd88P + 888 Y8888P" 888 888 888 888 88888888 888 Y8888P" + Y88b. .d8 888 888 Y88b d88P Y8b. Y88b. .d8 + "Y88888888P" 888 888 "Y8888P" "Y8888 "Y88888888P" + + hogs of entropy #117 + + >> "an interview with mogel" << + + taken from log files written well before july, 1995 (hoe #90) + + this is not funny. + + by -> jamesy + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Mogel: INTERVIEW ME ALL NIGHT LONG. ASK THOSE QUESTIONS HARD AND FAST! + +Jamesy: So, Mog, with all these Sticky Richie Rich comics lying around, + what are you now going to do to get off? + +Mogel: Well, Jamesy, one can never had enough Richie... if you know what I + mean, heh heh! + +Jamesy: If you were a vegetable, which vegetable would you be? + +Mogel: Well, Lamesy, I think it would be a turnip. Turnips are so pretty. + So fresh. So rad! The breath the essense of WaReZ. I know that's + hard to get from a veggie - but I do it! + +Jamesy: Speaking of Warez, what did you think of THG's new release of + PKZIP for OS/2 v2.04x? + +Mogel: Well Jamesy, I think that the release had many blatant bugs in it. I + think that it would have been better if they just stole PWA's copy and + called it thiers. That's what I'd do if I was a warez d00d. But + there is that 'anti-0-day' problem. + +Jamesy: How many times have you slit your wrists? And how many of those + times were you listening to Depeche Mode? + +Mogel: Fortuanly, every time I have slit my wrists, it has been successful + and I had died. Imagaine if I hadn't died. That'd be scary stuff. + I'd have Depesh Mode playing 24-hours-day in my room. Hahaha! + Woo! + +Jamesy: If you were a minimized window, what would your icon be? + +Mogel: I would probably be a large breast. Just one. Not two. I'm going + to marry a woman with just one breasts. Just ONE large. + +Jamesy: What is the first thing that comes to your mind when I say the + quote, "To stay or to go, it amounted to the same." + +Mogel: Actually, I don't ever read things in quotes. Sorry. + +Jamesy: Looking back at the bombing in oklahoma, would you rather eat the + dead children's bodies with A1 Steak sause or KC Masterpiece BBQ? + +Mogel: I'd have to go with the A1. + +Jamesy: If you had to stick any element from the periodic table up your + ass, what would be your choice? NOTE: it must be in solid form. + +Mogel: Without a doubt it would be Uranium. There's nothin' like a little + cancer to spice up your day. Amen. + +Jamesy: When you were a little boy, who touched you more, mommy or daddy? + +Mogel: Mommie loved me. I'm not supposed to talk about that though. + +Jamesy: Would you rather be a cheez curl or a cheez puff? + +Mogel: I think curls. They're more... curly. + +Jamesy: looking at the zine world today, and looking at all the shitty groups + out there , what would you say would + be the best way to genocide all stupid people? + +Mogel: Have them listen to Blur's first album. + +Jamesy: Why did you pick the name "Hogs of Entropy" anyway? + +Mogel: Lots of goofy reasons. I wanted somethien sorta anti-profound... + but would at least make someone go "hmm!" -- something like that. + the name 'HOE' was funny. Pigs are cute. I'm obsessed with the + concept of Entropy. + +Jamesy: But my point is why 'OF'? why not "oblivious" or "obsession" or + something? "of" is just so .. so.. grammarically correct. + +Mogel: Because I'm a stupid moron. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #117 -- logged by jamesy -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0118.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0118.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..40066117 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0118.txt @@ -0,0 +1,91 @@ + + << THE HOGS OF ENTROPY, KEEPERS OF THE GLORIOUS TEXT FILE PRESENT >> + + _// _// _// _//////// _// - oink! + _// _// _// _// _// _// - moo!! + _// _// _// _// _// _// _// - oink! + _// _////// _// _// _// _////// _// - moo!! + _// _// _// _// _// _// _// - oink! + _// _// _// _// _// _// _// - moo!! + _/ _// _// _/// _//////// _// - oink! + + << HOE ISSUE #118 >> + + >> "so much to live for, so much to die for, right?" << + by -> kheldar + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + 6:33 am. Mike gets up groggily, grabs a pair of pants and a shirt, +and heads toward the bathroom. In use. "No problem, I'll just grab +something to eat," Mike thinks to himself. He walks down the stairs, now +almost fully awake. He eats breakfast like everyone else in the entire +town, not even thinking of how much this day will be just like the others. +The same routine, the same conversations, the same life. Angst? Mike +doesn't have a clue. Never heard the word, probably couldn't even spell +it. + + After Mike spends his designated 10 minutes in the shower, cleans +up, packs his lunch and his milk money, he hops into the car cheerfully and +rides to school. He innocently says hi to everyone whom he knows, not +noticing their tone of voice, or even their facial expression. Why should +he pay attention to that? I mean, everyone's nice to Mike! + + It's all the same, thought Mike doesn't realize it. There's +nothing behind why he's always picked last for sports. When people make +fun of him, it's all in good humor. Why should he get mad at anything? He +has his whole life ahead of him. + + Now, Mike is your typical seventh grader. A little on the short +side, and a tad bit smarter than his peers. He doesn't really hang out +with the sports crowd, because they tend to ignore him, but that's because +he hasn't proven himself, right? Now it's about this time that Mike begins +to notice members of the opposite sex. Hmmm... Girls? Hey, look at that, +she's being nice to me! He thinks, as he's invited to a party. "Next +Friday at 8? I'll be there!" He says with a smile. Mike likes to smile. +He has lots to be happy about. + + Party. Fun. Music. Dancing. Hey, she asked me to dance! Look, +I'm dancing with a girl! After the party. Wow, that girl called me! I +must be special to her. She likes me! Yeah, I have a real good chance +with her, but I think I'll wait a little while. No need to be impatient! + + And so it goes. Week after week. Hanging around the girl, waiting +for her to make the first move. "She's just shy like me." "Maybe she +wants me to make the first move." "She likes me, but doesn't think I like +her." And so on, and so forth. Keep making the excuses, Mike. Sunrise, +sunset. Sunrise, sunset. + + HEY! Why's she talking with that guy? She never laughs that much +at my jokes! Why isn't she talking to me? That's not fair, I thought you +were my friend! Looks like she's drained you, bud. So Mike goes and talks +to his friend. He doesn't quite realize that the "friend" doesn't like him +that much. He's a bit too civil, but he doesn't quite seem to notice. +"You should ask her out, d00d!" "Yeah, good idea, but what about that +other guy?" "Ummm... Ask her out, d00d!" + + Another month. It's been what, 6 now? Another, and another. You +feel yourself feeling worse and worse, don't you Mike? You only talk to +her about once a week. Every other week. Every month. Look at your heart +change it's little red hues into violet, blue, purple, black. Look at your +mood swings, look at your depression. Look at her rip your heart out and +stomp on it, Mike. Take a real good look. Know you think you know what +angst is, don't you? Yeah, you sing the same old song. It happened to +seventy thousand other people at the exact same time it happened to you, +but you don't know that, and you wouldn't comprehend it if you did. + + Look at you. You sit at home writing in your little purple and +black diary, with yellow stripes. Yeah, you've got so much angst, don't +you? Well, if you weren't the same little prepackaged product maybe you +would be, but you came in a box, my friend, and you're just a serial +number. You may as well not exist, right? Yeah, you'd be so much better +off dead, wouldn't you? Nothing to live for, right? You think so, but in +time, you'll forget, and if you don't, you won't care. In fact, you won't +care much about anything.... that is, until you turn into an adult, and +conform to what society wants you to be like. You have your own office +with a window, right? Yeah, I'll bet. Catch you on the flip side, my +friend. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #118 -- written by kheldar -- 6/11/97 * + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0119.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0119.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1a82412d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0119.txt @@ -0,0 +1,111 @@ + ______________ ________ ____________ +__.\ /_/ \_ / +\ /_ _ (_ _____/ hogs of entropy issue #119 + \ _ / \___ | | ___) "rise of the mogels, part three" + | ) / | | ) \ by -> mercuri + |_ _| _/ | _| \ + '----` |_ _\_ _>______ _\ oink. + '---` '-----` '----` + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" they stopped, took a breath, and continued. + + "aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!" + + + + jubjub to froboy: shit, this is a long drop. + froboy: do ya think? + + the van screams past a sign that reads, "BOTTOM OF GORGE: 8 MILES" + + Nybar said to himself, "Self, this must be an often traveled route." He + responded. "Good thinking, Self." + + As Jubjub's body violently smashed on the sides of the van his hed + crashed through the passenger side window. + + "Mercuri?" + + "Jubjub?" + + "Mercuri!" + + "JUBJUB!" + + Jubjub: What are the odds that you would be *cliff-diving* from the very + same cliff we are falling from? + + Mercuri: Dunno. I'm still in algebra. + + Jubjub: Fool. + + Mercuri: Legface. + + Jubjub: So how have you been? + + Mercuri: Can't complain... you going to dummercon? + + Jubjub: No, I can't. Summer camp. + + Mercuri: Haha. Just tell your parents you don't want to go this year. + + Jubjub: That'd never happen. + + Mercuri: So how are you planning on getting out of that van before the shit + hits the fan? + + Jubjub: Nybar is working on something inside. He says it's some sort of + thrusting mechanism which will increase the draf... hell, i don't remember + what he said, you know nybar... wordy braniac. + + Mercuri: Yeah. + + *awkward silence* + + Mercuri: *cough* So anyway, why don't you just get out of the van and get + into a cliff diving position like I am? + + Jubjub: But nybar is working really hard on these thrusters... I don't want + to hurt his feelings. + + Mercuri: If you want to live, you have to do what I do. + + + + Jubjub: Odd. + + Mercuri: Yes. + + *akward silence* + + Jubjub: So I got these pictures of Nybar with only his underwear on... + + *even more akward silence* + + + + Mercuri: Okay, Nybar flew the coop. You need to get in this diving position. + + Jubjub: I can't believe he did that... AGAIN! + + Mercuri: This happens often. + + Jubjub: Every fourth year, right after elections. + + + + In unison: Weird. + + FroBoy: We're out of biscuits! + + WILL FROBOY FIND BISCUITS? WILL JUBJUB LIVE? WILL MERCURI LIVE? WHAT + HAPPENED TO NYBAR? + + TUNE IN NEXT TIME!! + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #119 -- written by mercuri -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0120.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0120.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f8f9e1e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0120.txt @@ -0,0 +1,64 @@ + _ _____ __ ____ _ _ + _ _ __ _ ___ __ _ _| | __ _|____ | |_ \ ___ ____|___ \ ___ | | | | +| | | |/ _` |/ _ \__` |__ |/ _` | |_ | _| |/ _ \ \ _|_ | |/ _ \| |_| | +| |_| | (_| | (_) | | |_| | | | |___| | |_ | (_) | \ \| |_| | (_) | _ | +| .__/ \__, |\___/ |_|__/|_| |_|_____| |_|\___/ |___\____/ \___/|_| |_| + \___| |_| hogs of entropy issue #120 -> "on yumas" - by, THE HACKERS! + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + detailed within this document is a dialogue containing america's +least notorious hacker, yumas. the following interview was recorded +may 3, 1997 at 3:16am. the interviewer was crash override. + ++-----+ + +Crash: hello, yumas. is this connection working? is your bits per second + elite? + +Yumas: NO + +Crash: i recently heard, through my sources, that you have exploited many + isps in the midwest area. tell us about it. + +Yumas: isps? + +Crash: you know, internet service providers. don't play dumb with us, + yumas! don't worry, we won't narc on you. this is for PHRACK. + +Yumas: in that case, why yes, i enjoy hacking from time to time. i guess + you could call it one of my pasttimes. + +Crash: but tell us how you do it, yumas! we want to know your secrets! + our sendmail exploits have all been found out! our backdoors + have all been snuffed out! help us, yumas, tell us your secrets! + +Yumas: i lied. i don't hack. i crochet. + +Crash: oh, ok. + ++-----+ + + the following is a review of the above interview, as done by lord +nikon. lord nikon, as you may recall, is not from scotland. + ++-----+ + + i think it is interesting to note that such an unavowed hacker as +yumas would express such a keen disinterest in hacking. it is almost as +thought she really has no interest in hacking, which is astounding. + ++-----+ + + included here are tips on how to be a better hacker than yumas. +these tips are provided by acid burn. + ++-----+ + + y0 liek my computer sez u r fuckien on my turf, dewd. u r +terminated, lamer!!!!! + +NO CARRIER + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #120 -- written by THE HACKERS -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0121.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0121.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..69c63449 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0121.txt @@ -0,0 +1,137 @@ + __mmm __//__ ---__..___._ + / | | / \ ____\ hogs + `l l | //|""\ | | of + l / _l l | | | \___ entropy + ; / / \ \ ____| issue oink. + $ |--| L \ | | l number + | / l |\ `--/' | \--\ 1xx + |__/ l___-' \_____/ \_____\ + + >> "free buttplug" << + + by -> styx + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + this is a short collection of emails i've received from people visiting + my page. i've kept their email addresses unchanged so you can harrass them! + + + From robchristen@swissonline.ch Sun Feb 23 17:29:21 1997 + Date: Sat, 22 Feb 1997 18:55:35 +0100 + From: Christen Robert + To: styx@dto.net + Subject: dogsex + + Hallo + I am interessed for dogsexpictures. + + ----- + + From popstimulus@geocities.com Fri Mar 7 11:57:59 1997 + Date: Thu, 06 Mar 1997 04:57:19 -0800 + From: chuck reisinger + To: styx@dto.net + Cc: popstim@hotmail.com + Subject: your page + + you know the tranzor theme is great to listen to while watching a person + shit inot another mouth.. you are worthy of god hood + + chuck + + ----- + + From anv9@cll.karlskoga.se Sun Mar 9 06:25:48 1997 + Date: Fri, 7 Mar 1997 22:53:11 +0100 + From: användare 9 + To: styx@dto.net + Subject: hallo + + You are a really funny man. + + See you in hell! + + ----- + + From cbustama@latino.net.co Wed Mar 12 09:33:27 1997 + Date: Mon, 10 Mar 1997 17:52:10 -0500 + From: NOMI + To: styx@dto.net + Subject: hey. Mr send me shit eating photos. please, I'm kind of curious. + + My email is cbustama@latino.net.co + + be waiting... + + Best Regards. + + ----- + + From dharvey@mindspring.com Sat Mar 15 03:00:32 1997 + Date: Fri, 14 Mar 1997 00:09:40 -0800 + From: david l harvey + To: styx@dto.net + Subject: Free buttplug + + please send me the free butt plug as you suggested + XXXX Starr Avenue + Oregon, OH XXXXX + + [styx's note: well, i HAD to block THAT one out] + + ----- + + From xaphire@geocities.com Thu Mar 20 12:49:54 1997 + Date: Wed, 19 Mar 1997 09:12:11 -0500 + From: xaphire@geocities.com + Reply-To: leopardkiss@hotmail.com + To: styx@dto.net + Subject: Why? + + Why do you have a pic of somebody pooping into somebody else's mouth? + That is very sick and nasty. E-mail me back at ap0720@aol.com. + + ----- + + Return-Path: vaselina@pipeline.com + X-Sender: vaselina@pop.pipeline.com + Date: Tue, 01 Apr 1997 02:29:24 -0500 + To: dropdead@mindspring.com + From: Allison + Subject: 101 super new uses for...! + + [styx's note; this was in response to my compilation titled 'styx's ego'} + + dear mister styx, + + your EGO is more than just a good read. it's multi-functional. + + let me explain: i printed out your EGO, paperclipped it together and left it + on the dining room table. i left the room for a couple of minutes and when i + came back, a pot of freshly microwaved cauliflower and velveeta was + dripping yellow #5 on your EGO. doubles as a hotplate! + + it was tuesday, recycling day, and all the newspapers were put out on the + curb. and my lil dog was just fed a whole lotta scraps from the table, so my + dad pulled out a couple of sheets from your EGO and put it on the floor and + winnie promptly spread her legs and sat her little arse down and made little + doggie diarrehas all over story #4. + + i then folded up what was left of your EGO, stuffed it in my pocket and + brought it with me on a train ride. nature called, and i went to the little + girl's room and (horror of horrors!) discovered a veritable flood o blood on + my panties. i didn't have any tampons with me, so i rolled up your EGO, + parted my lips and stuffed your EGO up my bloody snatch. and i must say, + your EGO has protected me better than anything with wings ever did! i can + just see it now....an ad for your EGO with two women in white strolling + throught a meadow of dandelions singing the praises of the femme protection + wonders of your EGO!!@#@! + + + satisified reader, + vaselina. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #121 -- written by styx -- 6/11/97 * + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0122.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0122.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ba76e4c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0122.txt @@ -0,0 +1,100 @@ + + .-..-. .--. .--. n + _.-._ : :; : _.-._ : ,. : _.-._ : .--'t _.-._ + : ` ' : : :o : ` ' : : :: : : ` ' : : `; r : ` ' : + ,' '. : :: :g ,' '. : :; : ,' '. : :__ o ,' '. + `-:_:-' :_;:_;s `-:_:-' `.__.'f `-:_:-' `.__.'py`-:_:-' + + hoe issue #119 + + >> "how to get chicks: the faq!" << + + by -> swisspope + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +1) How do I get chicks? + + Listen to glam rock and adopt the image and the lifestyle. + +2) Why do glam rock dudes get chicks? + + They are many reasons why glam rock dudes get chicks. They are +happy, they are secure, they have adorable smiles, they are talented +musicians, they have long hair, and last but not least, they know how to +_party_down_. + +3) Aren't there consequences of partying down? + + Yes, you might become an alcoholic. + +4) What famous glam rock dude and television actress have maintained +successful marriage? + + Eddie Van Halen and Valerie Bertinelli. Valeria Bertinelli of +course was the most loved teenage actress of the 1970's, and possibly of +all time. As you can see, Eddie Van Halen is a lucky mother fucker. We +can therefore attribute his success to being a glam rock dude. + +5) I am already a glam rock dude, but I want my relationship to last. + + According to the Lifetime television special, "Intimate Portrait +of Valerie Bertinelli", Eddie says that it is important for both +partners to be _comfortable_ with each other, _communicate_, and have a +relationship built around a strong emotional _support network_. If you +simply keep these goals in mind, your relationship should turn out just +fine. If you get dumped, you were going out with a dumb bitch in the +first place and you should be happy you came to your senses. You simply +cannot lose. + +6) What is some good music to make out to? + + Bon Jovi's _New_Jersey_. + Whitesnake's _The_Only_Road_I_Call_My_Own_. + Van Halen's _1984_. + Poison's _Flesh_&_Blood_. + Led Zeppelin's _IV_. + Judas Priest's _She's_In_Love_. + +7) Should I affect a Australian accent to aid in pick up lines? + + Although several glam rock dudes hail from "the land down +under", one does not need to be foreign to be an effective "babe +magnet." + + So if you do not already have a Australian accent, do not +pretend that you do. Be yourself! + +8) Why do glam rock dudes get chicks and heavy metal dudes do not? + + The average person might not be able to distinguish between a +glam rock dude and a heavy metal dude. There is a difference. A glam +rock dude has a certain smile, way of parting his hair, and twinkle in +his eyes. The only distinguishable feature of a heavy metal dude is a +cashed look in his eyes which more or less says "I did not get laid last +night, instead I got drunk and drove through cemeteries in my truck, +trying to turn over gravestones." + +9) Do I need a leather jacket? + + Yes, otherwise you will be laughed at! It also helps to have +one or two dangling earrings in the _left_ ear. Remember that the more +you can out "glam" the rest, the more chicks you will get! + +10) I have heard that glam rock dudes have special pheromones that help + them attract women. + + We are looking into this. + +11) Will glam rock ever die? + + No. An organization called the Foundation To Keep Glam Rock +Alive was founded in the early 1990's when it was suspected that glam +rock might die when MTV stopped playing Poison videos and started +playing Pearl Jam. To join, e-mail: glamrock@hotmail.com. + + Special note to swingers: The FTKGRA has an annual convention in +Bismarck, North Dakota. It is an excellent place to party down! + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #119 -- written by swisspope -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0123.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0123.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..69227ad7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0123.txt @@ -0,0 +1,29 @@ + + ::: === :::==== :::===== + ::: === ::: === ::: HOGS OF ENTROPY TEXT FILES + ======== === === ====== HOGS OF ENTROPY ISSUE #123 + === === === === === HOGS OF ENTROPY ROCK YOU!! + === === ====== ======== HOGS OF ENTROPY FOREVER#!@ + + >> "an ascii portrait of antihero" << + by - morpheus + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + __ + / \ + /____|___ + ()-() y0! sk8 str8 + /__ | _/' or die!! + A \ | -. + N / \/ \ \ + T $| | |$ `\ + I $| | |$ y0! mtv raps. + H :------: + E \ V / + R /______\ + O .sS$$$$ $$$$Ss. + + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #123 -- drawn by morpheus -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0124.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0124.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8a80ac41 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0124.txt @@ -0,0 +1,78 @@ + + ::: ::: ::::::: :::::::::: + :+: :+: :+: :+: :+: :+: :+: :+: :+: + +:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ + +#++:++#++:++ +#++:++#++ +#+ +:+ +#++:++# +#++:++#++:++ + +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ + #+# #+# #+# #+# #+# #+# #+# #+# #+# + ### ### ####### ########## + hoe issue #124 + + >> "short story (code number ORANGE)" << + by -> murmur + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "dave, it's sort of dark in here. are you sure we should go on +any farther?" + "good lord, sarah, we're in a CAVE. did you think we were visiting +the lighting fixture section of Menards or something? we're SPELUNKING. +that's what SPELUNKERS do. now come on." + sarah hadn't really wanted to go with dave this particular day. she +was having sort of a bad hair day for one, and for two, well, caves were +kind of dank and dark and dingy and sarah didn't really like things to be +dank and dark and dingy. she was thirsty for a capuccino too. why had she +let him talk her into this? + "sarah, what the hell are you doing? you're not going to trip over +any armadillos in here. this isn't a man-eating cave, for crying out loud. +now come on!" + dave wasn't entirely sure why he'd invited sarah to come with. but +one way or the other he thought the trip might do her some good. she had +settled into a 90s yuppie way of things with her capuccinos, etc., and dave +thought a nice day of spelunking might be good for her. he had never +dreamed she'd act so terrified of rocks though. + "dave, is that a snake? DAVE, THERE'S A SNAKE! KILL IT!" + "sarah, that's the FLOOR. familar with the concept of FLOOR? +perhaps that rare anomalie known as the GROUND? the BOTTOM of the CAVE? +there's no snake there. stop acting so ridiculous. you're supposed to be +having fun, not carrying on like an infant freshly run out of apples and +chicken." + "now how am i supposed to have fun when i can't see more than four +feet in front of me and i don't know what's in this cave and i'm thirsty and +i look like i just got out of a sandstorm and i.." + "hey, sarah? SHUT UP. okay? now you better ENJOY YOURSELF before +i get REALLY PISSED OFF." + sarah had better things to do than go hiking in a big old slab of +rock or whatever a cave was. she could be at the salon or at the mall or +better yet she could be out with some of the girls doing whatever. and she +had real concerns, too. after all, it was thursday, and it was getting +later in the afternoon, and ER would be on later. + "dave, when are we going to turn back? i mean, we're kind of deep +in this here cavern or whatever." + "you want to turn back now? we've hardly gotten anywhere!" + "i don't want to be back late.." + "for ER. i know. bloody doctor shows." + dave checked his watch. it was almost 5 and it would take them +about a half hour to get back to the truck from where they were and another +half hour to drive home and another half hour to eat and she probably had +another stop to make that would take another half hour and then it would be +almost 7 and if she got back after 7 and didn't have all 2 hours to prep for +her stupid show she'd probably go ballistic on him so + "alright, i guess we have gone pretty far after all. let's head +back. and i'm sorry i snapped at you. but for the love of mogel, sarah, +you've really got to get OUT more and away from all of the pomp and +circumstance that you've become accustomed to." + "yeah, you tell me that all the time. oh well, i guess this little +spelunk bit wasn't so bad after all. i'm sorry i've made this such a +difficult thing for you to enjoy." + "oh, that's not the case at all. don't think of it that way. i'm +really glad you came. now let's get headed back." + he kissed her on the cheek and even in the dim light eminating from +their heavy-duty flashlights by their knees he could see her face turn a +rosier hue. he hated ER and he disliked most of her friends. but he loved +her. + she really didn't like the whole cave thing that much. but that was +okay, really. she spent the day with him. that's all that really mattered. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #124 -- written by murmur -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0125.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0125.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..78c58117 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0125.txt @@ -0,0 +1,61 @@ + + # # ## #### + # # # # # # # # # + # # #### # # ### # # + # # # # # # # # # + # # # # # # # # # + # # # # ## #### # # + + >> "laughing" << + ...post-modern textfile art... + hoe #125 + by --> mogel + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + heh + oh heh + hee. + hehe + hehe :) + heh :P + Heh. I like that. + hah + haha + haha + haha! + hahaha + hahaah oh shit + hoho + h0h0h0% + "teehee," fuckers + bwhahaha... + Hahah bye. + dipshit ahaha + *grin* + Hahahaha :) + hahahaha + hahaha ok JERK + hahahah. + hahahahaaa + hehehehe + hqahahahahahqhahaqahaha + :) :) HEHE :) :) :) + hhahahahhaha + hEE hEE! + FUCK THESE LAMERS!... hahahaha... shit man + LOL + hahahah!#@!#!@# + muhahaHAHAHA + HAHAHAHAHHAHA + HAHAHAHAHA + HHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA + HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA + HAHahAHAHAHAAHAHahAHahha!@(!%#(&!^(*#&*)%*!% HAHAHAHA@#$(#**$#!(* + +--- + +*** Signoff: Paradox1 (-= Log your Life =-) + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #125 -- created by mogel -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0126.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0126.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8eb15372 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0126.txt @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ + __ __ ___ _______ + | | | | / _ \ | ____| + | |__| | | | | | | |__ + | __ | | | | | | __| hogz of entropy issue #126 + | | | | | |_| | | |____ + |__| |__| \___/ |_______| + + >> hey i'm in the chinese channel" << + + by -> styx + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + in complete pride, i present to you my younger cousin marc (who writes +for "crap will eat itself"), who, only after a month of IRC, has discovered +exactly how to make some friends. you can find him in #teen as "cram." + + +*** Log file opened: 3/10/97 12:39:28 PM + hey matt i'm in the jewish channel just thought i'd say hi were + having the best conversation in here + haha + you're a fucking weirdo + they keep kicking me out of everywhere + oh shit my nick + i have to change my nick i'm getting alot of threats + hahaha +*** Log file closed: 3/10/97 12:42:46 PM + +*** Log file opened: 3/10/97 12:42:40 PM + ok ccol + better + yeah + what is a pedophile? + people keeps saying that to me + a pedophile is a really old guy that likes really really young girls + oh + well see ya later i gotta go + seeya +*** Log file closed: 3/10/97 12:55:01 PM + +*** Log file opened: 3/12/97 2:03:08 PM + ok + ok cool + yo + shit +*** Log file closed: 3/12/97 2:04:09 PM + +*** Log file opened: 3/14/97 12:42:13 PM + hey i'm in the chinese channel +*** Log file closed: 3/14/97 12:58:52 PM + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #126 -- written by styx -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0127.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0127.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ce9ce323 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0127.txt @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #127 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "rise of the mogels, part four" << + by -> murmur + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + nybar and jubjub, much smarter than froboy, realized the severity +of the situation. "jubjub," said nybar, "we are falling to our deaths, +and the mogels are going to kill us." "nybar," said jubjub, "that is +correct." "fWA! fWA!" said froboy, not realizing that mercuri was +staring at him, all the while also falling to his death. + + the mogels were advancing, but how were they moving? for you see, +the cloned mogels had no toes, and all of mogel's goodness is in his toes, +so the clones were bad bad bad. well, they were moving anyway. perhaps +this was thanks to the stolen catapaults. + + on to the scene raced avenger zx, he of the zx clan, seeking to +avenge the death of froboy. when he discovered that froboy was not yet +dead he left. + + then on to the scene raced oregano, who caught the van and pounded +the evil mogel clones good. unfortunately for froboy and mercuri, they +died anyway, and unfortunately for nybar and jubjub, they had caught +pneumonia and had to be raced to the hospital where they were put on life +support and then suddenly and out of nowhere. + + just then, thousands of mogels entered bloomington-normal! will +they survive? + + ...to be continued! + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #127 -- written by murmur -- 6/11/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0128.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0128.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..82c01e72 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0128.txt @@ -0,0 +1,88 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #128 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The Fun I Had with a Crazy, Old Vietnamese Lady" << + by -> Muze + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Listen to this wild story. I have a radio show here at college with +two other guys. It's a morning talk show called "The Chattershack". Dumb +name, yes I know, but I didn't make it up, so that makes me happy. Woz and +Chicago are the guys I do the show with. My radio name......we won't discuss +that now, that's a whole different story. Ok, so I have this radio show and +we do crazy shit on it. This is the dumbest tho. + + One night I was out driving around with one of my friends. We drive +around aimlessly all the time. What else is there to do in Rensselaer? +drink. But I didn't feel like doing that this night. So my friend, Jason, +starts talking about spooky stuff that happens around the area. He mentions +something about a crazy Vietnamese lady that throws things at people as they +drive by in their cars. Sure they're not minding their own business, you +have to honk at her to get her to come out of her house, but anyways. After +Jason mentioned this I got _really_ curious. So I started asking tons and +tons of questions. I find out all I need to know from Jason and move on to +other sources. After I get all the info I can, I tell Woz and Chicago about +it. They thought it was the funniest thing, so Woz gets the brilliant idea +that he'll send me out one morning to harrass the old lady. And I did, we +braodcasted it and everything. I even have in on videotape. + + So Woz sends me, Schneider, Michelle and Sam out to this ladies +house. Mind you, this house isn't easy to find. It took me two nights to +find it. Let me describe the location. Corn, corn,corn, soybeans, jungle, +soybeans, corn, corn, corn. The jungle would be Vietnam . +It's set back pretty far from the dirt road. It looks like a neat little +house, what you can see of it. Except there's this little car sitting in the +frontyard. All the windows and lights are smashed out of it. We're still +not sure who's car it is, hers, or her victims. Anyway, the house is really +hard to see from the road, but if you're at the right angle you can see parts +of it. + + So the four of us truck on out to the middle of nowhere at 7am not +really expecting much. We drive be the house and honk the horn and blow an +airhorn and stuff at the house. Nothing. So we turn around and drive back. +I'm sitting in the passenger seat, so I have a nice view of this ladies +jungle. I see her. At first I thought it was a broken tree branch. You +know how the inside of a tree can have that yellowish color......well, it +wasn't a tree branch. She was out there plain as day. All I can remember +is the yellow. As soon as I realized it was her I ducked. Sure I had the +video camera, but I feared for my life. I couldn't just sit there and tape +it. I screamed as loud as I could, we all did. the cell phone we had was on +and we were live on the air on the radio. This lady chucked a fucking $8.00 +hammer at us. And hit us hard.......she's got good fucking aim. Schneider +yells "She broke my fucking window!@#$^". On the air. ouch. fcc. So when +I look up, there's a fucking _claw_ hammer stuck in the windshield. Had we +been going any faster the hammer would've shattered the passenger side window +and knocked me in the face. I have it all on video and audio. I'll have to +make a .wav file out of it. Funny shit after the fact. I'm still +traumatized. + + So no one believes us until we show them the video. They all laughed +at my near death, but then so did I. + + The van we were driving got a flat tire about one mile from this +ladies house. We thought she was going to come bounding out of a field +wielding another $8.00 hammer and kill us all. I've got to get the license +plate number and run it. Must find out who that car belongs to. Crazy bitch +almost took my life. But then, two nights later, I went back. Not of my own +choice of course. I wasn't driving. She wasn't out tho, we only drove by +once. I freaked out. Joel, who was sitting in the backseat with me had my +head in his lap for about 5 minutes. I think he liked it. but that's it. +that's my story. + + Except, before we went there the first time, I knew that she throws +things at people. Hammers, axes, shovels.....she shoots shotguns. Rumor has +it that she killed someone and got off. Crazy people in Rensselaer. Never +drink the water. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #128 -- written by Muze -- 11/5/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0129.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0129.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0b33c228 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0129.txt @@ -0,0 +1,99 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #129 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Christ Demands More Money" << + by -> The Onion + + Yes, this was stolen from The Onion. + http://www.theonion.com + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Jesus Christ blasted Christians Monday for their decreasing +financial support of Him. Christ said His personal revenue represents less +than 15 percent of the world's wealth in 1997, down 400 percent from its peak +in 1025. + + JERUSALEM -- Dissatisfied with dwindling receipts in recent years, +redeemer of humanity Jesus Christ issued a rare public statement Monday, +sharply criticizing His followers' lack of generosity and demanding a marked +increase in their contributions to the long-standing religion based upon +belief in Him. + + "Historically, I have asked for no more than 10 percent of the total +earnings of my flock," said Christ in a 25-minute statement aired on +Christian television stations throughout the world, including Trinity +Broadcasting Network, Eternal Word Television, and Cristo Telemundo. "But +recent cost analyses by my accountants indicate that current donations from +my believers are not at this level and are insufficient to meet my earthly +financial needs." + + Christ underscored his point with an earning/expenditure chart +illustrating that in the first quarter of 1997, He listened to an average of +233 million prayers per day while collecting daily revenues of $6 million. + + "This works out to just two and a half cents per prayer, which +barely even covers my overhead," Christ said. "If this sort of fiscal +imbalance continues, I may have to answer even fewer prayers in the future." + + "In my Father's house are many mansions," Christ said. "They are not +cheap to maintain." + + Christ cited Warner Robins, GA, resident Willard Baines as a prime +example of the sort of tight-fisted follower with whom He is frustrated. + + "Mr. Baines owns a grain-and-feed business that takes in some +$800,000 a year, thanks in no small part to his faith in Me. Yet, last +Sunday, he put just a single dollar in his church's collection plate," +Christ said. "If I am not mistaken, this works out to a donation of just +.00010052 percent of his overall gross-adjusted income for the said fiscal +period, a far cry from the recommended 10 percent." + + "He also lusted after his niece on two occasions," the Savior said. + + Christ assured followers that He still possesses a boundless love for +all humanity and that those who accept Him into their hearts will know +salvation and everlasting life in Heaven, but expressed frustration over the +feeling that He has "not, in my estimation, been getting my love's worth +in return." + + "My love," Christ said, "which passeth all human understanding and +shines from the countenance of God our heavenly Father, shall be all you need +and desire all the days of your lives. But I do need a reasonably decent +budget to make that happen." + + Christ told followers that his ancient covenant with humanity -- in +which He shall act as the people's shepherd, comfort them with His rod and +staff, and shelter them all the days of their lives -- is as good a value as +they are likely to find anywhere. + + "It is true that, in this era of downsizing and high prices, it +can sometimes be difficult for a person to give unto Me 10 percent or more +of their income, and still have enough left over for that new microwave +or big-screen TV they've had their eye on," He said. "But do not forget that +it is almost impossible for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." + + Christ's most esteemed Earthly messengers are hailing Monday's +statement as long overdue. "I am pleased that Jesus has delivered this +important message to the people of the world," Pope John Paul II said. "The +Catholic Church must begin collecting more money now if it is to continue +to collect money in the future." Christians worldwide are already +responding to their savior's call. + + "I guess I could live without a college education," said Owensboro, +KY, Christian and mother of four Brenda Williams, 34, who recently dropped +out of community college after donating to her church over $1,500 she +had saved for tuition. "Some of my science courses contradicted the word of +God, anyway." + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #129 -- stolen from The Onion -- 11/5/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0130.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0130.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e7eb9d41 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0130.txt @@ -0,0 +1,67 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #130 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "How to Kill Your Roommate and Frame Her Fat Friends" << + by -> Muze + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Someone posed a really stupid question today on my radio show. "If +7-11's are open 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?" + + OHMYGOD! I thought. Doors aren't made without locks. Especially +business doors. Fuckin' idiot. + + And why do people always talk about how they're gonna do all this +stuff and "Oh, it's going to be so great" and then two hours later they're +doing something so detrimental to the original plan that you feel they need +to be shot. Well, go shoot them. I give you permission. When the judge +asks why you did it, just tell them "Muze told me to, she said it was OK." + + The judge should let you off with about 10 years prison time. People +always get pissed at me cuz I won't play their game. You know, smile and be +happy no matter what's thrown your way. Act appropriatly. Me? I'm sas all +the time, well, not _all_ the time, but mostly. I'm not goth, people mistake +me for goth, but I don't want to pretend I'm dead. People get mad at me cuz +I don't get all happy for them when something good happens for/to them. I'm +selfish I guess. I need to care about the person to be happy for them. + + The longer I stay in shcool, the dumber I feel. School is supposed +to make you smarter. I'm not Polish, so it must be the schools fault, it +_is_ a Catholic school. At least they don't try to make me go to church or +anything. + + I'm pissed off. I went to grab my dictionary yesterday and my hand +stuck to it. "This isn't right," I thought. I picked it up and it had +sticky orange spots all over it. So I looked in the corner it was in to +investigate. There was orange soda spilled all over my stuff, books, coffee, +coffee pot, electrical cords and sockets, old keyboard that used to work but +doesn't anymore thanks to my bitch ass roommate and her fat friends. I asked +her about it and of course she knows nothing, but she'll ask her friends +about it. They probably know nothing too. I'm gonna charge them to use my +computer. $5 a week, every Monday, no money, keyboard gets locked. + + I know this is anal, but I want to kill my roommate, so maybe I can +kill her by making her walk to the computer lab, she'll either waste away to +nothing, or freeze to death when she can't get her fat ass out of the snow +banks that pile up around the dorms because this is the Midwest. I think +what I'll do is borrow a bunch of stuffed animals from friends and tie +nooses around their necks. Then I'll hang them all over the room. Then I +sit in a corner holding my knees to my chest rocking and looking up at the +hanged animals saying "You shouldn't have done that." I'll be sure to get a +single then. + + A list needs to be made "How to scare your roommate and her fat +friends" *or* "How to kill your roommate and frame her fat friends." + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #130 -- written by Muze -- 11/5/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0131.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0131.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6651341c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0131.txt @@ -0,0 +1,74 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #131 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Text Files" << + by -> Darwin + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + It's been said that music/art/poetry is the soul exiting itself in +hollow places. I'm not quite sure where it was said, but it certainly was, +and it's certainly true. What then, are text files? + + Text files are computer words... computer art. Are there any places +hollower than computers? Is there any correspondance more false than email? +We've given up handwriting, we've given up the scrawl of an upset +obsessive... we've chosen letters. Perhaps we haven't chosen, but it +certainly hasn't been thrust on us. Nobody told people to start writing text +files, they just did. Not because they had something to say, but because the +time demanded it. Because computers require a certain soul quotient. A +fraction of a life. Have you ever sat down at a business computer or a +computer that's never been used by anyone? I don't mean a new computer, I +mean one of those computers that might as well be any other computer sold at +radio shack. Have you felt its relief when you created a text file that had +your friends phone number in it? + + That's the genesis of text, I think. The capture of a fractional soul +by a machine. Not every machine captures it, and not every person has it to +give. + + Is there anything more useless than text files? More anonymous, more +invisible? Even crummy zines about indie-pop have subscribers... text files +don't even have that. They just appear, and people read them. Text is +automatic, its the soul shoving itself into the nearest receptacle. This is +because the lives of those who write text have been framed in a certain +surround. They are not satisfied, but can't take a "regular" way out of it. +Whether they're anti-social or differently social or just like computers, +they've made a choice. They've chosed to be ignored, because nobody really +cares about computer people. Computer lives are very rarely important to +anybody. + + Perhaps that is what the truly great text writers accomplish. They +give computers life. Their computers give them life. They tread the line +between angsty youth writing self-depricating garbage and professionals. +They don't have any hopes of being published, any hopes of being famous, but +they ACT like they are. And, somehow, they are famous. The text file writer +is a writer and is simultaneously not a writer. What is a text file but the +writer? The text file writer is fundamentally unfulfilled, and fundamentally +unfulfilled with being unfulfilled. He senses that there is something in the +world which is beauty, which can be glimpsed. He may or may not realize it +can not be grasped. He will keep trying. + + The true art of the text file is tone of voice. Tone of voice makes +all art, but especially one where there is no tone, and there is no voice. +When any musical great sings, and sings like he means it.. That is the soul +of art. That's why Bush is garbage, no matter how hard he yells. Because, +like so much self-published angst crap, it's just paying lip service to the +reality of fear of life. Now, this is not to say that there isn't bad text, +in fact, there's a lot of it. But, the truly good text... is liberated by +the fact that it is free. There is no charge, there is no gain, there is, +ultimately, nothing created or destroyed. There is only humanity. + + Good text files say it like they mean it. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #131 -- written by Darwin -- 11/5/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0132.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0132.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c8b0d077 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0132.txt @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #132 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "C-" << + by -> Glynis + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + once upon a time there was a jerk named phil WHINEans and he was a + big big jerk. he thought everyone liked him because he didn't wear + underwear, but in reality, everyone was appauled. so one day + everyone was on irc, and he was being his usual jerk self... + and princess glyicca came in and started talking to everyone + no, glynicca + glynica + GLYNICA yeah + princess glynica came in + and she hadn't been there for a really long time + so she was happy to be there. and everything was going fine until + mr whineans decided to talk about his underwear, and rate girls. + he then typed "c-c-c-c-c-c-" + so then she kept thinking "c- c- c- c-" + but then she remembered that phil whineans was a little harry wolf + man, and she didn't feel so bad so she lived happily ever after. + you want more? + yes! more! + so then when harry little..err..phil whineans read his story in + HOE, he got mad. and THEN he realized why he itched so much. + so he got really pissed and howled at the moon and did some more + drugs. + then since he was on drugs, everything was fine. + The End. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #132 -- written by Glynis -- 11/5/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0133.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0133.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3855e57e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0133.txt @@ -0,0 +1,38 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #133 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Reality And Fantasy: An Indepth Analysis" << + by -> Nybar + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + What the fuck is up with you fucking DTO people. you need to stay +fucking rooted in the trivilties of "real life" even when you are just +writing a fUCKING STORY! jubjub is telling me the LITTLE FUCKING PUSSY +ASSHOLE JAMESY WILL GET FUCKING SENSITIVE ABOUT THIS RANT! WELL STICK A DYKE +UP YER ASSHOLE! YEAH! WITH PAPRIKA ON IT! MOGEL IS TOO FUCKING SENSITIVE! +LIFE OF CRIME?! HAH!!! HE'D GET BEATEN UP IF HE TRIED TO NAB A PURSE. + + anyway, this is justification for all the violence in the poupey +stories. see.. (www.voicenet.com/~poupey). fuck all you baistards. fucking +idiots. jamesy's story on the modern oedipus complex COMPLETEY overestimated +the sociological effect of enviroment and understimated genes. also he +mistook cause for effect with the tit thing. he has an inferiority complex +disguised as the opposite. mama's boy. + + How do I justify the surrealness and violence in poupey? + + Nybar says "Here's how", levels his gun on you and fires in one fluid +motion. finfangfong. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #133 -- written by Nybar -- 11/24/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0134.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0134.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..96482d87 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0134.txt @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #134 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Ode to Manson" << + by -> Taraxis + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Come on kids! Gather 'round! +A brand new band just came to town. +With faces white and oh-so-goth, +You'll hear their lovely singing oft. + +Christians say they've gone too far, +"That Anti-Christ Superstar!" +What Christians say gives Manson pay, +Beautiful people line up all day. + +While sucking cock might make one queasy, +With ribs removed, it makes it easy! +Manson does himself to impress his peers; +All his homies from the Wonder Years. + +Manson girls in their striped socks +Yearning to suck Manson's cock. But ... +Manson sucks his own with glee - +An oral sex dichotomy. + +So hop on down, get on the wagon! +Don't let your lunchbox keep you waitin'! +Real goths would beat your hide. +Twiggy takes it all in stride ... + +Next time mommy beats you senseless +For claiming you're a neo-Fascist, +Say, "You don't have to be so bitchy! +Manson listens to Lionel Ritchie." + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #134 -- written by Taraxis -- 11/24/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0135.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0135.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e889b718 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0135.txt @@ -0,0 +1,73 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #135 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "asshole or bitch" << + by -> Styx + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + i do not know if any of you readers are familiar with ddial, but the + following is a log of a quick conversation i had with one of the brilliant + locals here. she is a testament to what we should all aspire to be. i + hope you love her as much as i. + + ------- + + Welcome to the Savage Frontier! + Enter Password: + PASSWORD needed for full access + + For info enter: + /I + + 13319 Calls / 007 Today + + Welcome All! + + Anyone who recruits three new users + or brings back any old users who + don't have passwords now, will + be promoted to MAJOR Co-Sysop! + + Now, sit back and relax... + -->. + + #2 + #1[T1:Kool Aid /ma) hi 2 + #1[T1:Kool Aid /ma) who art thou? + #1[T1:Kool Aid /ma) give a nickname + #2(T1:?) shut the fuck up linda + #1[T1:Kool Aid /ma) hey what did i do moe + #1[T1:Kool Aid /ma) im only trying to be nice + #1[T1:Kool Aid /ma) dont be bitchy :) + #2(T1:?) didn't i just tell you to shut up? + #1[T1:Kool Aid /ma) but who are u? + #1[T1:Kool Aid /ma) how lame to harrass me with no nickname + #1[T1:Kool Aid /ma) why so rude? im trying to be nice + #2(T1:?) it's kind of funny, like.. everytime i tell you to shut up, you + type even more + #2(T1:?) why do you do that? + --> #2, call again! + #1[T1:Kool Aid /ma) i dont know who u are, so dont attempt to harrss me + if u dont wish to reveal a identity.. + *2(T1:?) oh well. timing out. + *2(T1:?) kill yourself. + #1[T1:Kool Aid /ma) fuck u + *2(T1:?) really. kill yourself. + #1[T1:Kool Aid /ma) asshole or bitch + *2(T1:?) it's not a joke. + #1[T1:Kool Aid /ma) ur mom + *2(T1:?) bye. + /q + NO CARRIER + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #135 -- written by Styx -- 11/24/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0136.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0136.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cee9670d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0136.txt @@ -0,0 +1,57 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #136 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "it's all a facade" << + by -> Pagenwait + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + it's all a facade. all just a game. + + watching the light drizzle fall from the barely darkened clouds, i + sit in the cold room. dark, alone, desperate. the street lamp's faded + light shines through and falls upon my pale face. + + i wonder why it has to be this way... so meaningless. + + the silvery moon hangs in the twilight as the clouds move quickly to + mask its pureness. + + all the clouds move quickly to mask the pureness -- the innocence. + thousands of them. ever-changing... ever concealing fear, weakness. the + sky grows black. the smallest glimmer is seen for a shining moment. then + disappears. darkness creeps ever more slowly closer. enveloping. + caressing. the drops of rain become fuller and... wetter. gently throwing + themselves at me through the open window. trickling down me, to places i + dare not guess. + + standing up, i absently wipe away the sweat gathered upon my face. + slowly making my way through the filth of my life, i come to a mirror. at + least, i think it is. i looked; looking back is someone else. even i have + deserted myself. + + out of the corner of my eye, something moves. i turn suddenly enough + to see the purple paisley man crawl back into my wall. + + he wants me. i know he wants me. he tells me so when i'm asleep. + + lightning shatters the darkness, followed swiftly by thunder. the + rain now pelts into my home, my sanctuary. rushing to the window, i run + into my faults, sitting there in a bucket on the floor. my own fucking rage + tears into me, leaving a severed limb. i limp towards the window a little + more carefully than before. rain and blood mingle upon the soiled remains + of myself. + + closing the window, i close myself. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #136 -- written by Pagenwait -- 11/24/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0137.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0137.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..db7f662d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0137.txt @@ -0,0 +1,77 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #137 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "hemmorhoids" << + by -> shadow tao + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + art computer lab: 11:43am + + "jaawanna shoomahhada hok up the zipdurv an yooit unnah phonoshot?" + + "what?" + + annoyed look. turns head and looks at the door for a sec, then back + to me and tries again. + + "yano, maaahhn, somee hada, yoono, hoo uhthe zipdrive? + phodosssshawp?" + + "are you speaking english? can you speak _ANG-GLISH_?" + + i make talking gestures with my hands, with accompanying "ba doo doo + DOO!" sounds. he looks pissed. i move away from the desk in my chair, + spinning it around and around, giggling like a three year old on + sugar-frosted-coco-bombs (with Fiber!). a woman comes up to the desk. + + "are the printers working?" + + "i dunno. let's ask them." .. half spin .. "are you working?" + silence. + "they say yes." + + "um. ok. then why aren't they printing my stuff?" + + "oh, it's prolly something. you know. maybe they don't like you." + "could you get them to .. uhm.. like me? i need this paper by 1. + seriously." + + "lady, i'm a lab monitor. not a counselor. i just suggest a good + rubdown. maybe sex. that appeases them." + + "jesus, you're rude." + + "no, ma'am. i'm Buck Naked, forest ranger." she storms off. + "your boss is gonna hear about this." + + a guy dressed in a leather jacket and pants saunters up to the desk, + his hands wrapped in spiked bondage gloves. he has a big dog collar on, + with a chain leading down to his pants zipper. he twists his head around, + letting black strands of hair fall back behind his head. + the quiet drums and flutes of my dark, ambient music gently fill my + little help cubicle. + + "WHOA. _duuuuude_. dead can dance! they fucking rock. they + fucking rock so hard." + + he reaches over the ledge to grab the cd case, revealing the nearly + illegible font of a Deicide shirt. + + "god, dead can dance kicks so much ass. they fuckin' rock so hard." + + i give him his prints for free. + + i love my job. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #137 -- written by Shadow Tao -- 12/4/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0138.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0138.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..699ebb9d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0138.txt @@ -0,0 +1,62 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #138 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Killing Time on a Sunday Afternoon" << + by -> Legion + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Have you ever noticed the way stupid people drive? You know who I'm + talking about. The ones who cut you off on the highway. The ones who take + up both lanes because they can't seem to make up their mind which one they + want to drive in. Those guys. + + The ones who piss me off most are the ones who never signal a turn. + Just how hard is it to reach out your finger and flick that little turn + signal lever, anyway? My theory is that these people are simply too lazy to + use their blinkers once in a while. These lazy fucks can't possibly be + productive members of society. + + So anyhow, I went to a busy corner last night (Saturday) to do some + observing. I noticed that the worst "blinker offenders" are snobby yuppie + types with nice cars. I wanted to mess up one of these nice cars to show the + offenders the error of their ways. + + So today I grabbed my short-handled maul (like a sledgehammer with a + short handle (hence the name, stupid)) and headed for the corner once more. + Hiding the maul between my back and the lightpost, I waited for an opportune + moment. At last, I saw my target: a trendily-dressed yuppie in a green + Chevy Blazer that sparkled from a recent wash. He pulled up to the corner + (failing to utilize his turn signal actuator) and stuck his head out the + window to look for a clear spot in traffic. I sauntered to his truck, + raised the maul, and brought it *whoomp!*ing down in a perfect arc. + + Well, almost perfect. I was aiming for the nice shiny chrome side- + view mirror, but I ended up slamming the 10-pound maul into the offender's + temple. His eyes sort of bulged out and he groaned as he slumped a bit in + his seat. Well, I didn't need any lawsuits cluttering up my busy schedule, + so I figured I'd put the poor bastard out of his misery. I raised the maul + for another go, but his foot apparently slipped off the brake pedal, because + his truck started easing out into the oncoming traffic. + + I started jogging alongside the Blazer, giving him a whack every few + seconds when I could lift the heavy maul. "Die, die, shithead, die!" I + screeched while turning his head into spaghetti sauce. But I couldn't hear + myself very well over the sounds of the oncoming traffic swerving around us + with blaring horns, shouting "hey you moron, get the fuck outta the road!" + Their taunts didn't disturb me as much as the fact that they didn't signal + before they swerved into the next lane. But that's all right. + + I'll take care of them tomorrow. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #138 -- written by Legion -- 12/4/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0139.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0139.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3f97a902 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0139.txt @@ -0,0 +1,105 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #139 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "potato salad" << + by -> murmur + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + prologue: this is the tale of shizbit of the planet patheticos in a + far away galaxy. shizbit was sent to earth to try to understand how + earthlings work. disguised as an earth creature, he was able to enroll in a + small liberal arts university in the midwest, hoping that this would enable + him to investigate earthlings on a very personal level. of course, shizbit, + being vaguely unfamiliar with certain earthling traditions, like headbutts + and handshakes, would have to rely mostly on his roommate for cues on how to + "be" an earthling. unfortunately for shizbit, he was assigned for a + roommate an individual known as enos. the following are from his daily logs + back to patheticos. after three months, shizbit, having reached the point + of clinical insanity, was recalled to patheticos, where he remains in a + janitorial position. + + earth day. + + 08/28/96: i am settled in to my 'dorm room'. my roommate, enos gain, has + not yet arrived. these rooms are particularly interesting; there + appear to be multiple 'outlets' in the walls for various types of + earth devices. enos and i shall each have a desk and a dresser + and a 'closet' device. i could grow to like this place, i think. + + 08/29/96: enos has arrived, and is already well on his way to breaking any + conceived notion i had of how earth creatures operate. all of + his carrying devices have bright red decals attached to them + which say "ETHIOPIAN AIRLINES". he has brought what he claims to + be a 'starfish colony' and he has many tubes of the earth + specimen known as 'toothpaste', yet his teeth are quite green, so + perhaps 'toothpaste' has a different meaning than i once thought. + i am so fortunate to have for a roommate such a fine specimen. i + shall learn a great deal from him, i am quite sure. + + 08/30/96: enos woke up at 4 a.m. this morning claiming that he had to + undergo his daily spleen cleansing. i am very curious about what + this "spleen cleansing" operation entails. he has also stapled + many brownish shrazplot-shaped objects that he calls "mama's + bratwursts" to the walls. i am not sure if this is for + decoration or for insect attraction. i had always been under the + impression that insects were not welcome by earthlings, but + apparently that is not the case. how fascinating. + + 08/31/96: these earth beings are very odd indeed. many of them appear to + become quite saddened when i inform them that my roommate is enos + gain. i do not understand. one of them commented, "that sucks, + dued" but i have no idea what is sucking what or who "dued" is. + my earth name is johnny, recall. i also went to my first classes + today. there are many earth creatures that wear these contorted + objects called 'hats'. it appears to be to keep the insects out + of their eyelids. perhaps i shall need to get a 'hat'. enos has + such a 'hat', but i can not read what is written on it because it + appears that it has been through an earth fire. + + 09/01/96: the 'r.a.' stopped by today while enos was out and asked me why + we had bratwursts stapled to the walls. i told him i thought it + was to attract insects and he looked at me very oddly and said he + would return later. also, the colony of starfish appeared to be + moving today. they are very tiny creatures and i am not at all + sure what the appeal is. they are contained in what is known as + a 'pitcher' and there is an open packet next to the 'pitcher' + that says something about "sea monkey food". i do not understand + such things yet. + + 09/02/96: there is this unusual earth specimen called 'candy'. the premise + of this candy is to be "tasty" and supposedly to "happy one's + mouth." i have seen many people eating this candy called the + 'mint' which is a small globuzo-shaped object. enos offered me + some of his candy today and said it was very good candy and he + liked it a lot. this 'opium' he gave me did not make very much + sense to me. apparently enos was adversely affected by the candy + because he suddenly declared it was "time to mellow out, dued." + i still do not know who "dued" is or why people keep discussing + this individual, but i'm determined to figure it out. enos + passed out shortly thereafter. + + 09/03/96: i was invited to a "jammin frat party" today and i thought this + might be an excellent opportunity to see how earth people + interact. i was shocked. large men wearing the 'hats' drink + massive quantities of 'alcohol' and 'dance' with earth women that + often have large fatzuus stuck to their chests and they too drink + this 'alcohol'. alcohol must be another kind of candy like the + opium enos so enjoys. i then followed an earth man and woman + into this room and apparently their tongue muscles were engaging + in a fistfight, not all that unlike the phelephuls from + boronisfifthelementia. + + -/- END OF TRANSMISSION -/- + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #139 -- written by Murmur -- 12/4/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0140.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0140.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6e837868 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0140.txt @@ -0,0 +1,116 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #140 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Enter MatCat" << + by -> Antihero + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: welp if you wanna say you + hate me for no reason go ahead, cause i know u have the fealing you + hate me but you real + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: really sont + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: sont = sont + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: !!! sont=dont + + **** Cyberleader logged OFF! 136 lines in use. + + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: good night + + :/p mat DIE. + + <<<< Paging MatCat >>>> + + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: :) + + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: just tell me why u hate me, + cause if you dont i know you dont have any reason for hating me + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: it is a simple case of you + told ur self you hate me and you beleived yourself + + **** Oedipus Rex logged OFF! 135 lines in use. + + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: that is what i did in school, + i told myself things, i started beleving what i told myself and got in + trouble + + **** Oedipus Rex logged ON! 136 lines in use. + + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: telling yourself things and + beleiving them can be very dangerous, i am just trying to help you + + **** Mondain logged ON! 134 lines in use. + + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: i am not the fat little kid + you think i am + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: cause i am not affraid of you + nor am i beleiving any threats you may say + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: i am a christian, it is my + job to preach to you, and dont take what i say as a joke either, you + should become one too + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: being a christian is fun and + rewarding + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: much more rewarding them + doing drugs + + **** Wagz logged ON! 134 lines in use. + + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: u do drugs and all it oes is + hurt you more and more everytime u take a puff of that pot + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: jesus doesnt hurt he helps he + loves + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: and he doesnt stop loving, + and he doest come with side affects either + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: I beleive you have much + talnet, but doin drugs and being in idiot with your life isnt helping + + **** Baggio logged ON! 136 lines in use. + **** Preferred Stock logged OFF! 137 lines in use. + **** Baggio logged OFF! 135 lines in use. + + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: Pray this> Dear Jesus, + please forgive my sins and come into my heart, for i beleive you died + on the cross to save me ... + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: and to deliver me from my + sins + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: and help me to not do drugs + or do or be part of any evil i am in know + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: and love me and help me to + be a christian, amen + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: say that prair + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: it will change your life + forever + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: i will ask you every day to + say that prair until you do + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: cause Jesus is more + powerful then the deamons and evil you have in you at this moment that + is cauin you pain and missory + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: u kn/p anti u know / i know + u are feelin pain and missory cause i felt it too once before + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: welp c ya tommoroq + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: tommorow that is + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: i will be prayin for ya + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: and i forgive you for hackin + my acct + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: it wasnt your will to do it + but it was satens will + + :/p mat i didn't hack your account. + + <<<< Paging MatCat >>>> + + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: then do you know who did? + >>>> MatCat is paging you from Menuing System: it is nice to know you where + payin attention to what i said + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #140 -- written by Antihero -- 12/4/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0141.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0141.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..40aef471 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0141.txt @@ -0,0 +1,187 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #141 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "A Womans's Guide to Geeky Guys" << + by -> Lonewolf + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Editor's Note: It came to my attention after publication that + this article actually came from BunnyHop and was published in 1994. It's + an article that has apparently been re-published without permission + dozens of times and we feel awful sorry that some random idiot pretended + that they wrote it. + + Here's the original URL: + + http://www.bunnyhop.com/BH5/geekguys.html + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally + died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the + sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school + riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or + permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. + Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into + this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, + a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a + culture all his own. In short, a geek. + + _Why Geek Dudes Rule_ + + They are generally available. + + Other women will tend not to steal them. + + They can fix things. + + Your parents will love them. + + They're smart. + + _Where The Geek Dude Lurks_ + + While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to + go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their + friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill + Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their + favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, + geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on + them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, + though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try + wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation. + + Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. + All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, + carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an + activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very + uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an + advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack + of players. Their lack is your strength. + + _Imprinting_ + + You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how + the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a + reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek + dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social + milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, + and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and + themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while + the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, + our next topic... + + _The Trek Factor_ + + If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or + keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and + Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep + Space Nine, your Babylon 5. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation + policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. The sexual politics of + Star Trek are pretty blunt: the men run the technology and the ship, and + the women are caretakers (a doctor and a counselor). Note the sexual + tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the women, in skin tight + uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair. The men, often balding, and + sporting some sort of permanently attached computer auxiliary. This world + metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek dude, who sees himself in the + geeky-but-heroic male officers and who secretly desires a sexy, smart, + Deanna or Bev to come along and deferentially accept him for who he is. If + you are willing to accept that this is his starting point for reality, you + are ready for a geek relationship. + + _Once You've Got Him_ + + Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping + him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak + with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also + clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her + newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man: + + "Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang + with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most + attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more + alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a + chance." + + _Geek Cuisine_ + + Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and + think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your + geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with + home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that + you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, + remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor. + + _Geek Lifestyle_ + + The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home + with him. He seems permanently connected to his hard disk. You must at + least appear interested in his work. Generally, a solid understanding of + the computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be + able to talk the talk. Remember most geeks are anal and they get stressed + about details which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your + best Deanna Troi face (see above) and empathize. + + To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let him play + _Myst_ or Chuck Yeager's _Air Combat_ for hours if he wants to. Act + concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My geek + loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in + _Myst_. He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point + blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, + again, a basically harmless vent for your man. + + _Geek Buddies_ + + Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly + refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as 'that big room with the ceiling + that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights'). The + greatest thing about your geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in + setting them up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females + at first, so don't overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their + shell and realize that you are into the same things they are. + + Oh yeah... + + I thank Victoria for the above advice. I must say that when she read + my draft of the piece, before writing her section, she asked her husband + which one he thought she was more like, Deanna or Beverly. Howard, the + devil, immediately replied that he had always thought Victoria was actually + most like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character with a slight authority problem + who is always had trouble (this is fairly apt). + + This exchange is interesting for several reasons: + + Howard had already thought about who she was most like. + + He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease. + + Victoria actually knew who he meant. + + Folks, I think this marriage will last. + + _One Last Thing_ + + Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks + have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven't noticed + them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to + realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try to force the issue, + or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. + Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new + interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet. + + Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual + puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like a little + intellectual stimulation or your own? We thought so. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #141 -- written by Lonewolf -- 12/4/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0142.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0142.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2a68e5b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0142.txt @@ -0,0 +1,96 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #142 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Are You Calling Me A Liar?" << + by -> Trilobyte + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + From: tril@dto.net + To: ???@???.??? + Date: Tue, 26 Aug 1997 16:54:33 -0600 + X-Mailer: YAM 1.3.4 - Amiga Mailer by Marcel Beck + Subject: my mother + + i have come armed with a complete example of why my mother is so stupid. + + school starts tomorrow. she wants me to go out and get supplies today. my + sunbird is in the shop. my buick is missing the rear window, thereby having + a large hole in the roof. she is gone with her car, my father is gone with + his car. that leaves a scooter/moped and my bicycle. i decide that i will + go out in the buick to get school supplies. when i walk outside, i see that + it is completely overcast and there are a few low-hanging dark clouds. i, + being the aged and wise person that i have grown to be, decided that it + looked as if it were about to rain. + + my mother comes home. + + "did you do _anything_ you were supposed to?" + + i told her that i shaved. i was also supposed to call the barber for an + appointment, possibly for today, but decided that i had too many things to + do today, so i didn't call him. she was not happy about this, and argued + that i could fit it in. i said it wasn't important, then she asked later if + she should call and make an appointment. + + "sure. but not for thursday, i'm working then." + "thursday?! i'm talking about today!!" + "i told you i didn't want an appointment for today." + "you never get anything done. bla bla bla bla." + + so. anyway. i then say that i didn't go out and get supplies because it + looked as if it was going to rain. she gets very angry. + + "WELL. YOU must have been looking THIS MORNING because the sky is perfectly + clear and the sun is shining bright. you have NO excuse to have not gone + out and gotten school supplies." + "my buick has no rear window. if it were to rain --" + "if it was going to rain, you wouldn't get that wet. and if you're so + concerned about it, why don't you just walk or take your scooter?" + + + + i walk upstairs to look outside. it is still completely overcast with + little, low-hanging, dark-gray clouds looming. + + "oh yeah, mom, it's completely sun-shiny and happy. look at this. it's + completely overcast. WHY would you LIE about that?" + + + + "ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?" + "you just completely lied about something pointless to try and prove your + non-existant point!" + "LISTEN HERE. YOU NEVER EVER CALL ME A LIAR EVER AGAIN. I AM _NOT_ A LIAR. + I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD EVEN SAY SUCH A THING." + + + + i bought one of those Tyco Lego-phones at the salvation army yesterday. + it's rad. i always wanted one when i was a kid. well, sort of. i always + preferred cordless phones, so no matter how cool a phone was, if it wasn't + cordless, i considered it to be useless. + + hey hey. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #142 -- written by Trilobyte -- 12/9/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0143.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0143.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a4e93d4a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0143.txt @@ -0,0 +1,85 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #143 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Carmex Rocks My World" << + *or* + >> Confessions of a Hardcore, Down & Out, Gutter-Dwellin' Addict << + + by -> MoonBagel + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I have a dirty little secret. My family and friends have their + suspicions, I'm sure, but they dare not confront me with their accusations + and tears and hurt. + + I have it completely under control. Really. I just don't want to + quit -- I like it. And how could I not? The euphoric bliss as my body + absorbs the sweet balm... + + I used to use it occasionally. Maybe during the cold, dry, lonely + winter months when I needed to cling to something tangible instead of + maddening abstract thoughts about God and the universe and my purpose, if + any of those really existed outside of my confused, lost adolescent cranium. + Philosophical musings contented me in the warmer seasons -- they'd float + about in front of my face and behind my head and inside of it, too -- + sometimes they would bump and merge. Oftentimes the bubbles would just + burst. + + In the winter I could ski, sled, raise general hell -- but I was + always yearning for something I could keep in my pocket or hold in my hand. + Those outdoor activities were maddening for lack of a suitable talisman. + + Along came my satori. + + I was 14 years old, out raising some of that crazy middle school + hell. I could take it no longer -- my lips were cracked and + uncharacteristically crimson, and I could bear not another minute without + that mystical healing agent I sensed was in close proximity. + + "I am chapped! I must have a balm!" I howled, startling cats and + younger siblings and elderly passersby. They assumed it was just my lips + that were chapped, but this sensation was so much more profound than that. + It reached my soul. + + "Shut up -- use my Carmex." + + And thus ends my search, and begins my gradual downfall. Those first + weeks I would be satisfied merely having my little yellow-capped talisman + close at hand, in case of emergencies. I would smooth a thin, + barely-perceivable layer over my lips, and instantly be soothed for days. I + was strong. + + There were no suspicions -- there was no problem. There isn't any + real problem now. "My, you have moist, un-chapped lips!" was the only + comment I heard regarding my special friend. + + Now I hear snickering as I pass acquaintances and former friends on + the street. I try to tell myself that they're merely envious, but the world + comes crashing down when I try to use a straw or wipe my mouth with a + napkin. My lips slip off the straws; there are frighteningly obvious + grease-stains on the napkins. My chin is constantly covered in throbbing + pimples, my pores being permanently clogged by excess Carmex. + + To think once a week used to be enough... I should "Huzzah!" now if I + make it through two hours. + + I don't have a problem, though. It's all under control. I could + stop any minute, if I wanted to, but I like it this way -- I'm warm and + moist and never chapped. I haven't had a cold sore in over three years. + + I bow to thee, Menthol, and to thee, Camphor and Alum, and Salicylic + Acid, Phenol, Fragrance (O mighty Fragrance!), Lanolin, Cocoa Butter, and + Wax base, in turn. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #143 -- written by MoonBagel -- 12/9/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0144.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0144.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..59019ee9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0144.txt @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #144 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "A Sentence" << + + a text file that could *only* + be written by -> Orestes + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Ultimately, in breaking up, Casey revealed to me what she never + could, her tears and her true emotion; but I did not join her, maybe because + she was crying for what never was, for the severing of a connection which + reached a level not nearly as low as the pain of the cut itself; I wonder if + I should have cried and if I should have let her destroy what we had, but we + couldn't even talk about what we said or what we did. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #144 -- written by Orestes -- 12/9/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0145.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0145.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1b1dac68 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0145.txt @@ -0,0 +1,78 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #145 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Here's The Story of a Cat Named Buddy" << + + by -> Trip + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "It's 3:45 am. Where the hell is my food? I'm a cat!@ I require mass + amounts of food, you dumbbutt humans!@ feed me!@" Buddy thought to himself. + + "ME0W!@#$#@$#$@%%$&" + + Mari walks in, half dazed and smoking a cigarette. A cheap cigarette. Mari + radiates a vibe of 'you damn cats are eating me out of home and cigarettes' + with a mere glance, as she passes to the counter. The same routine every + morning, unchanging, yet Buddy and his fellow felines feel determined that + if they don't constantly pester Mari for their daily dosage of Friskies Cat + Food, they may never eat again. + + "M300000000W!@@!#@!@!@!@!@~!~!@" + + "I'M GETTING IT, you ungrateful little bag of fur." + + "me0ow!@?" + + "You heard me." + + Mari takes a can from the stock pile of Friskies, reaches for the can + opener, and prepares the band of renegade felines their food. Buddy, growing + ever hungry, is constantly under her feet, going in circles, meowing like + nobodies business. + + Bridget and Buddy, in unision, "ME0W!@!@!@@@!" + + "IT'S ALMOST FUCKING READY, YOU RAT BASTARDS." + + "meow." + + Battling her way through a barrage of cats, she reaches down & retrives the + food dishes. Scooping food into each dish, she meshes it all into a coarse + gravel-like texture. + + "Why do i bother? I should just put this in the dish in one big chunk, + they'll still fucking gobble it down." + + She finishes meshing the food. + + Now, Clairance has been awoken by the pleasant aroma of the fish flavored + food, and is now in the bunch. A large, 20 pound albino American White Hair. + Clairance gets beaten daily by the two, smaller cats, and has the scratches + to prove it. + + Petting him, Mari puts Clairance's bowl on the ground first. "Poor kitty." + + "ME00000W!@!#!#!@!@#$$#&^" + + "Don't make me get violent, Buddy." + + Finished with her morning chore, Mari puts the two dishes for Buddy and + Bridget on the ground, and they immediately begin eating like wild animals. + + Mari begins to stumble back to bed, and is met in the hallway by Marc. + + "Mom, can you make me a bagel?" + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #145 -- written by Trip -- 12/9/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0146.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0146.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..60c50be5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0146.txt @@ -0,0 +1,67 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #146 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Eaten Alive By A Faulty Ball Bearing Cooling Fan" << + + by -> Skinhorse + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + _part i: the intro: an in-depth study of generation x_ + + mewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww + do it. + mewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww + do it. + + niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii + nininininiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii + bat do bat, BAT doo ba doobyDO THE HUSTLE + + --- + + _part ii: the verse: tracing the jagged lines of the postmodern seismograph_ + + ||: + + fi fi fi fifi fifi fi fi + fi fi fi fifi fiDO THE HUSTLE + fi fi fi fifi fifi fi fi + fi fi fi fifi fiDO THE HUSTLE + fi fi fi fifi fifi fi fi + fi fi fi fifi fiDO THE HUSTLE + fi fi fi fifi fifi fi fi + fi fi fi fifiBADABOODOOBOOMDOOMDOOM + + waaaaaaa wa wa waaaaaaaaa wa wa wa, waaaanaaawaaaaaa + (naar naarnaar) + waaaaaaa wa wa waaaaaaaaa, wa wa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa + ninininininiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii + boomDA, boom doodydoobydoodyDO THE HUSTLE + + :|| + + --- + + _conclusion: fade out: elizabeth was melancholy but at rest_ + + daaaaaDAAAAAAAAdothehustle dadat dadadadaaaaaaaaaaaaaa + dadat dadada daaaaaaaaaaaaaa da daaaaaaaaaaaaaa + dadadadaaaaaaaaaaaaaa daaa daaaaaaaaaaaaaaboombatDO THE HUSTLE + + [treat as ostinato fed to penney & giles descending with audio taper + rate: .25notch/s] + + end riaa equalization ** + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #146 -- written by Skinhorse -- 12/9/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0147.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0147.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3a5f502f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0147.txt @@ -0,0 +1,118 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #147 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "A Call-Us & Damnit! Adventure" << + + by -> Whoops + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + So I get home at 9pm after a day of playing marathon and doing + homework. My power is off. I swear under my breath. Yesterday it went off + for 10 minutes but by the time I was on the phone with the power company it + was back on. I'm hoping that it'll be another 10 minute affair, but no such + luck. the apartment is pretty warm, the air conditioning has been off for a + long time. Shit. + + So I called illinois power. After 20 minutes of explaining to them + the complex situation of "My power is off and it's not my fault," they tell + me to knock on doors and see if other people's power is off, and also call + my landlord to see if the hole in the wall downstairs has anything to do + with power. If i get a negative on both of those, I must call them back and + they'll have a repairman at my place "in an hour or so, unless there's an + emergency. That's not to say that your situation isn't an emergency, i + mean, it's just that if there's a tree fallen on some wires or something + that is what is a real emergency, you know what I mean?" really, Polly + Power, you don't need to explain yourself to me. I know you have total + 'power' (ha ha pun) over me and there's nothing i can do should the + repairman choose to take one hour or 5 to show up. + + So i knock next door, praying that someone actually lives there. + Yes. Two kind souls do. And yes, their power is obviously on since they + are watching tv in a nice lighted (wow, LIGHT, i forgot what that was like + by this time) room. So i call the landlord (fortunately my roommate left his + phone here. i only have one phone and it's a portable, which of coruse + doesn't work when there's no power. lucky me, indeed!) and leave a 10 + minute rambling, whiny pitiful message on the answering machine, with such + wonderful quotes as "well i guess i'll call tomorrow during business hours.. + oh shit, it's saturday, i guess i'll call on monday ARGHH".. Fortunately i + stopped myself before the words "i can't believe i'm talking to an answering + machine, let alone my landlord's" came out of my mouth. + + So i call back the friendly power people and explain to them that no, + none of the breakers in my apartment are in the off position and yes, the + neighbors have power so yes, they better get their little butt over here to + fix their mistake. In the meantime I somehow convince the nice fellas next + door that they want to let me hang out at their place until Peter Power + shows up (although i later learned that his real name was Kevin). Within a + few minutes there was a knock at the door and i thought.. no way, the power + guy can't be here yet, can he? Nope.. it's the landlord's son, breathless, + who tells me "the meter is flipped. the power company screwed up and they + need to turn it rightside up. i could turn your power on, but it'd be + illegal, so you have to wait for them." Okay i can live with that, now that + i'm in a lighted, cooled room. So i go back to watching tv and talking to + the two guys (one of them is a CS grad who TA'd cs 225 this last semester, + warned me about my horrible professor, told me i never have to go to lecture + since the TA's hate the professor so much they never base anything on the + exams on lecture). We also watched space ghost coast to coast, cartoon + planet and discussed the joy that is South Park. I figure i've lucked out to + be 'stuck' with guys with such good taste. + + Eventually, Kevin Power shows up. He asks me where the meters are. + I have my classic dumb look on by now. Meterwhat? I have no idea, i'm just + a student not a power guru like you. So we go around the entire building + and through the garage calling out for the stray meters. Nope. He shines + his flashlight at a door in the garage, the only locked door of the three in + the garage: "They're in there i'm sure. And i don't have no key. You're + going to have to get the landlord to open that." So he goes off and leaves + me to call the landlord back and chat with th emachine some more. This + time, as soon as i identified myself someone picked up the phone and told me + that the meters were in the garage and we must have missed them somehow, she + described how they look to me and i went down and looked for them to no + avail. By the time i called back she said she had talked to her husband + (who is out of town, of course) and he said they were indeed in the locked + room that Kevin pointed out. So she says she's going to drive over and open + the door for me and we'll check out the meters ourselves and see what we can + do. So i wait half an hour for her to show up, and we unlock the door and + look "yep, the meter's flipped, yep it's got a lock on it and the power + company has the key for that". Gee, what a surprise. + + So she says she'll let me into another apartment that has power for + the night so i can sleep there, at least. I say "hey, what about B9? + That's where i'm moving into next week ANYway." She says "we're coming in + to clean the place at 8am, but sure" so she goes and tries her master key in + the lock. No dice. So she tries her master key in the lock of every other + apartment in the building. Nope. "I've got another set in the car, let me + grab those"... Same deal. By this time i am laughing quite hard. The day + is just too ironically horrible for me to do anything but. Quite a nice + defense mechanism to have, let me tell you. So she asks to use my phone to + page her son "who has my set of master keys. I loaned them to him and + grabbed this set of keys on the way out. I *wondered* why they were lying + in the office not being used.." We page him twice but no response. So i + decide to call back Portia Power and get Kevin over here again to fix all my + problems. After 20 minutes on hold he is paged and on his way and we go + downstairs to wait for him. 30 or 40 minutes after that, he shows up. She + unlocks the door, he goes in. He puts the special key in the lock for my + meter and it is jammed. He can't seem to get the meter off the wall. But + with a heave and a ho and a mighty throw, he finally does manage to flip it + and put it back in and declare in his best jesus impersonation "Fiat Lux," + although he said it in english and with poor grammar. + + So the ending involves lots of hugs and kisses and effusive thankyous + and goodbyes, and me waltzing up the stairs to my nice, cool, lighted + apartment, and immediately turning on my computer to share this story with + you all. + + Aren't you glad? + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #147 -- written by Whoops -- 12/12/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0148.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0148.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c3aaee4c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0148.txt @@ -0,0 +1,82 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #148 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Thoughts And Deja Vu" << + + by -> Gaurdian + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The person whom I was responding to was of the mindset that deja vu + was a sort of 'memory of the soul,' a recollection of past life experiences. + Obviously I think this is just bullshit. Although the effects of one's + existance continue to propagate through the Universe long after death, the + odds that such effects could be realized electrochemically as conscious + memories is too insignificant to be worth considering. + + I present another perspective. Everyone has experienced a type of + reverse remembering that is essentially identical to deja vu on paper. When + you listen to someone you aren't interested in drone on fairly repetitavely, + in terms of intonation, you listen, but you don't hear words. You're aware + that the sound is continuing to exist but that's all. And then, suddenly, + he or she says your name. Boom. The last 5 seconds of whatever was said + come back. You didn't hear them before, but the sudden shock of recognition + jarred the sounds back into you mind, and you decoded the sounds into words, + after the fact. You remember hearding the words now, but you one second ago + you didn't remember hearding them. The conscious memory was created several + seconds AFTER the event was processed by the brain. The same thing can + happen in the physical-visual world as well, although on an even deeper + level. + + You're doing something, probably walking, or wandering in a crowd. + These sort of primal actions, such as movement in a large group of people, + or explorative wandering require incredibly little thought. They, in fact, + tend to blank the mind of thought in general. Hence, incidentally, the term + "driving hypnosis," whereby semi-trailer truck drivers often mow down little + cars because they simply aren't sufficiently aware of their surroundings + when they notice that they are close to a collision. + + Anyway, it frequently happens that people are in just such a + non-thinking mode and suddenly something happens that SNAPS their mind into + a more lucid mode of thought. Suddenly POW you rethink the last 5 seconds + and re-attribute the decoded meaning of your actions to whatever it was that + you were aware of. Now, when I say "meaning," I don't mean deep, + philosophical, religious crap. I mean the way you interpret an event. The + action of brushing your teeth, for example, is EXTREMELY complex, and + involves hundreds of muscles, and a multitude of balancing acts. And yet + the brain manages to group it into a single event. "Brushing teeth." + + Amazing...! + + But I digress... back to the SNAP. Now, when you rethink an event, + one that you've already thought through on an unconscious level, you will + percieve a strange sense that you've "done" this before, when in fact it's + not the DOING that's been done before, but the THINKING that's been done + before. This certainly accounts for the situations under which people + experience deja vu. I have never known anyone to have a deja vu experience + while in a lucid state of consciousness. I suppose the 'spiritualist' + could claim that this is because you must be in touch with your + subconscious mind in order to access the memories of your soul? I think + most people can see that such an assertion would just be an attempt to patch + a flawed theory to fit the facts. Oh well. + + There is another, far far less common type double memory, where you + actually do something twice, and upon doing it the second time, you remember + doing it the first time. This can only be considered deja vu however if you + can't remember when you did it the first time, or can't remember the + circumstances or some such thing. But it's a far less interesting + phenomenon... more accurately described as a crappy memory. + + -=GAURDIAN SIGNS OFF=- + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #148 -- written by Gaurdian -- 12/12/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0149.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0149.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9a2d62e5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0149.txt @@ -0,0 +1,81 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #149 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Sleep Deprivation" << + + by -> Sonia + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I found myself unable to sleep lastnight. It was odd for me because + I'm usually such a sleep oriented person. I pondered my mind for answers on + why I could not sleep. I thought and thought. I finally came to the + conclusion that I my mind was fumbling for answers on why I hadn't heard + from my lover, Matthew. + + It was a long distance affair and he was suppose to visit me for the + weekend but, friday went by with no word from him, then saturday, then + sunday, and then me weeping from his lack of comunication. It was wensday + now and I still hadn't heard from him. This worried me a bit. I wrote him + email on friday and I never got a response. I don't want to seem like I'm a + nag but this is getting a little rediculous. Part of me misses him greatly + and yet another part of me wishes he wasn't in my life. I fear that I am + falling in love with him. + + What scares me is his terrible lack of communication. So I lay in + bed thinking what I should do. I wonder if I should just send him a sweet + card sprayed with my purfume and a picture of me or, just not send him + anything. I decide to wait for him to write me. + + Now that I have that decided I feel that I shall sleep well, but that + is not so. I toss and turn and can not sleep at all. I wonder "why?", "why + is this happening to me?" I say to myself. I stare at my netting that + surrounds my bed. I feel like I need to cry but, I can't. + + I put on some music to divert my mind. I find that this just + disturbs me more. All the music I listen to reminds me of Matthew. Which + bothers me more. + + I shut the cd off and pull the blankets over my head. I try to + sleep. I try to clear my mind. I try to tell myself that I don't need + Matthew. I then think about that fact that everything that is in my room + was once just a dream in someones head. I find this very fascinating but, + it isn't helping me sleep. + + My bladder now feels very full and is hinting to me that I need to go + to the bathroom. So with that I open my eyes wide and get out of bed. I go + to the bathroom and swear out loud because there is no toliet paper in the + bathroom. I then run up stairs and get some toliet paper and finish going + to the bathroom in the up stairs bathroom. Then I go back down to my room + and try to go to sleep once again. + + This time I get all comfortable in my bed and snuggle in my covers + and find that I am terribly cold. My whole body feels terribly cold. I try + to warm myself up with another comforter which works well. I then realize + why I have had so much trouble sleeping. I was still in my jeans. I laugh + at myself. I feel so stupid. Jeans are so uncomfortable. I've never + really seen the point of them. I myself would rather wear skirts everyday. + + So I take off my jeans hop into bed and then I find that I am + comfortable but still I can not sleep. So I decide to try to count the glow + and the dark stars that are on my wall. So I begin to count and then before + I knew it I started to yawn and get rather sleepy. + + So I shut my eyes and then all I can see in my mind is, Matthew. So + I scream out "I give up, I am not going to sleep tonight." so I sit up and + pick up a book. I begin to read Isaac Asimov's "The Relativity Of Wrong" + and before I know it I'm fast asleep. + + I guess Isaac Asimov's books are good for something. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #149 -- written by Sonia -- 12/12/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0150.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0150.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9712b255 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0150.txt @@ -0,0 +1,77 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #150 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "slit and slot; no, just coffee, thanks" << + + by -> Styx + + * STYX IS THE NEW OFFICIAL VICE PRESIDENT OF H0E! * + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + once upon a time there was a girl named slit whose parents divorced. + then slit got fat and started to voluntarily regurgitate her food because + she wanted to look like drew barrymore. when slit was finally thin enough + to distinguish her tits from her stomach, she got herself a tattoo, various + body piercings, and a boyfriend. he used slit for sex and she pretended not + to notice. then he left slit for some other chick because he was sick and + tired of the same pussy day in and day out. slit got upset and tried to + kill herself. it didn't work, but she had another self-induced traumatic + experience to use as an excuse for stupid shit she did. one day, when slit + forgot to take her pills she realized she used him for sex, too, so she + started getting horny again. slit also wanted to get back at him any way + she could. slit fucked and blew boys left and right that her ex-boyfriend + knew. slit's ex-boyfriend always found out who she fucked or blew, but he + didn't care and neither did anybody else. slit convinced herself that + everyone cared and that she was just being a fun teenager instead of a + hooker, and if infact she was a hooker it was only because her parents were + divorced and she used to be fat and tried to commit suicide once. slit + partied on, her cunt getting looser and bigger with every fuck; her + mandibles getting stronger and more flexible with every blow. slit knew a + lot of deep lyrics and big words so nobody ever had the balls to tell her + how much she sucked. they would just let slit fuck or blow them. + + slit's best friend's name was slot. when slot was younger all she did + was sit inside and masturbate so she used her dull imagination to fabricate + wild stories to replace her deadbeat past. nobody believed slot but she was + so pathetic nobody had the balls to tell her how much she sucked. slot was + convinced that everybody thought she was hot, when in reality everybody + would just pretend to like slot in hopes of getting fucked or blown by her + best friend slit because slit had bigger tits. slot never put out because + she didn't want anyone to know she had a penis. + + slot followed slit everywhere she went. slit and slot went to the same + college. slit and slot each drove the same kind of car. slit and slot + would hold hands and pretend to be close. when slit and slot would hang + around in large crowds, they would whisper inside jokes to each other and + assume triumphant postures. when slit and slot went to restaurants, they + would order the same meals and smoke each other's cigarettes. slit and slot + would get tattoos and haircuts at the same time. slit and slot were generic + hip spoiled-rotten gen-x coffee-guzzling skanking synchronized halfwit + punk-rock cum recepticle sods. + + slit and slot's favorite pasttimes were taking advantage of young naive + boys, going to raves, getting drunk, knowing everything that happened on + MTV, talking about who they hate, talking about why they hate who they hate, + doing their best to appreciate art, and pretending to not realize they were + accomplishing nothing but sucking more and more. + + the 50s had greasers, the 60s had hippies, the 70s had punk and disco, + and the 80s had pop. what do the 90s have? slit and slot, parading around + your city fucking everything up for you. stop letting them. batter them. + shoot them. bound, gag, and hang them. put them out of their fucking + misery. + + they _want_ you to abuse them. it's HIP. do it. do it for them. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #150 -- written by Styx -- 12/12/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0151.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0151.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4b159c93 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0151.txt @@ -0,0 +1,66 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #151 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Fear and Loathing in the Suburban Midwest" << + + by -> MoonBagel + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Frat boys are the bane of my existence, I think. I could be sorely + mistaken. No, that's wrong. I could be mistaken, but I find it hard to + believe that mistaken-ness would be in any way sore. It would probably be + quite healthy if I didn't harbor this inexplicable loathing of frat boys + (frat boys, Ohio, and role-playing games, actually). + + Frat boys are bad. They are not good. I don't like their dirty + little baseball caps, nor do I think they are in any way necessary (the caps + and the boys). I don't like how they vomit a lot. When I was at UMass in + Amherst, Mass., I didn't like how a group of frat boys had a giant + inflatable turtle in front of their house. There is irony -- I wouldn't + mind having a giant inflatable turtle of my own. The cause, however, is + perverted royally by having a largely-grassless yard fertilized with vomit + surrounding it. Such a turtle deserves respect and a proper, healthy + environment in which to thrive. + + Through years of extensive testing, living in the vincinity of + several large state universities as well as numerous smaller schools, I have + come to discover the one thing I'm sure frat boys are good for. To recreate + the joy I sometimes feel, you must have at your disposal a small group (or + even one other) acquaintance/friend/stranger-who-shares-your-pain, a car of + some variety... and it sure doesn't hinder you to be hyped up on all sorts + of caffeinated substances. + + Drive along a busy thoroughfare, or hit a popular weekend (or + weekday, if it tickles your toes) frat-boy nightspot. + + Spot a carload of fratboys. FOLLOW THEM. Follow at a safe distance, + but follow 'em -- don't compromise your health and well-being for a carload + of brothers. If you hit upon a ripe group, you'll hear shouts that your + momma admonished you for when you were a pure and virtuous, + uncorrupted-by-frats child. Sometimes you'll get compliments. Other times, + the most you will witness is a neat, intriguing mix of hand gestures which + may be offensive in a foreign land. They may not be. It doesn't matter, + ultimately. It's funny. Well, it's funny if you're caffeinated. If you're + not, I must apparently reside among the upper echelons of lame-osity. + Woo-wee. + + If the pickin's are slim in your area, expect me to show up on your + doorstep in a matter of days. Don't despair -- I clean up after myself, I'm + house-broken, and you have another option -- redneck/hicks (also in + abundance in my city) prove to be a fine target, as well. In that case, + follow the same steps -- just find boys in rusted-out pickup trucks. + + Snacks are also appreciated. Snacks make friends. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #151 -- written by MoonBagel -- 12/12/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0152.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0152.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6bfd600c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0152.txt @@ -0,0 +1,170 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #152 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Normal Vacation" << + + by -> Murmur + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + THE PLAYERS: + + MURMUR: a dapper gentleman from the North. + QUAREX: the local fire chief. + GLYNIS: the local sweetheart. + MOGEL: a visitor from the Orient. + JAMESY: a porn star. + FEIVAL: the local cub scout den mother. + YUMMAS: a porn star. + TAO: local zen master. + KREEG: the local fish. + vanir: CRAZY MAN!!!!@$#!!*$@~$@@U@Q ~!^TY# ~T ^I$I^O($&@~e4y43 !88 8 8 + GRAY: the local hustler. + ERECT: the professor. + JUKE: the most respected man in the world. + CRANK: local negative-noun. + + --- + + NORTHERN METAMOR. It is Monday in Northern Metamora. + + --- + + THY BACKGROUND + + In the quaint town of Northern Metamora, life is odd. GLYNIS, the local + sweetheart, and QUAREX, the local fire chief, have had a stormy sequence as + of late. QUAREX, feeling jilted by GLYNIS, is unhappy, and is futher + unhappy by the news that MURMUR, the dapper gentleman from the North, has + begun a relationship with GLYNIS. FEIVAL is the best friend of GLYNIS. + Meanwhile, JAMESY, a local porn star, and his female friend YUMMAS, also a + porn star, along with MURMUR, are entertaining MOGEL, visiting from the + Orient. + + This saga opens in a park. A fork is here. + + --- + + A park. It is a dark and stormy night. QUAREX is here, with a lightning + rod and some toads. QUAREX is wearing a nazi war helmet and sunglasses. + + QUAREX: I beseech of thee, bring me fire, so I mayest enact upon my quest! + + TAO and vanir enter the park. TAO is wearing all black, and vanir is + wearing a sombrero. + + TAO: Greetings Brother QUAREX. + vanir: i'm CRAZY#^@%#&^%& look at me@^&#&%# CRAZY#^%&$@&%#@&^$ + QUAREX: SATAN. + + JUKE enters the park, surrounded by fireflies. + + QUAREX: JUKE, I respect your opinion. + JUKE: Thank you, QUAREX. + QUAREX: JUKE, should I be angry? + JUKE: No, QUAREX. + vanir: CUH-RAY-ZEE^#@$%&@^&$&^#%@& + QUAREX: JUKE, I do not respect your opinion. + TAO: Let us all be calm. + + Everyone in the park walks to the fountain in the middle of the park, where + the fish KREEG swims around. + + QUAREX: I hate fish. + vanir: I EAT DA FISHIE#&@^$^&T + + vanir eats KREEG. The park is vacated. + + --- + + A bagel shoppe. FEIVAL is working. + + FEIVAL: I sure am tired of these bagels. These bagels sure are annoying. + Enough cream cheese for me, Sammy. I'll show you where to stick + those flumphfkins. + + GLYNIS, MURMUR, JAMESY, YUMMAS, and MOGEL are approaching the shoppe. + + MOGEL: I do not why come from Orient for bagel. + MURMUR: You are here to meet FEIVAL. FEIVAL is a cub scout den mother. + MOGEL: FEIVAL cute girlie yes? We no Orient cutie have. + JAMESY: FAG FAG + YUMMAS: FAG FAG + fag: yes? + JAMESY: FAG FAG + YUMMAS: FAG FAG + MOGEL: We respect elders more Orient. + GLYNIS: Why did they say "FAG FAG"? + MURMUR: They're porn stars. + MOGEL: We respect porn stars more Orient. + + The party reaches the bagel shoppe. + + FEIVAL: GLYNIS, is this MOGEL? + GLYNIS: This is JAMESY. MOGEL is this one, the one from the Orient. + JAMESY: FAG FAG + YUMMAS: CUNT CUNT + JAMESY: OOG OOG CUNT FAG LIP LIP + FEIVAL: I'll whack 'em good if they come near my cub scouts! + GLYNIS: Don't worry about that right now. + MURMUR: Talk to MOGEL!! + MOGEL: This FEIVAL? + MURMUR: This is FEIVAL. + god: no. + MOGEL: FEIVAL have lovely knees. + FEIVAL: Uhm, okay. I suppose that is nice. + GLYNIS: Are you done? + FEIVAL: I am done. + MURMUR: What shall we do? + GLYNIS: We shall go to the park. + JAMESY: CHOP FACE + YUMMAS: EAT BREAD + + Everyone leaves the bagel shoppe. + + --- + + A bedroom. GRAY is here "alone" with his computer. + + GRAY: HAHSAHAHAHAHA + GRAY: MY BOT ARMY HURTS YOU + GRAY: NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW + GRAY: HO-SAI + GRAY: MSU!!!!!! + GRAY: MY IRC GIRLFRIEND HAS REALLY BIG BOOBIES!@#%) + GRAY: HAHAHA!!! + GRAY: HAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!! + GRAY: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! + GRAY: K-LINED ON MY OWN SERVER!!!! HAHAHAHAHA@!#@@! + + --- + + all around, the chaos spins!! nobody knows where chaos begins!! + + QUAREX: god, why matt? + MOGEL: let's have a dto conferance. or not. + the birmingham 6: you been, thunderstruck. + KANT: what is the true meaning of truth? what are the mechanics of right? + + rj: i'm right, you blabbering pus node. + rj's mind: you've totally lost your sense of humor. + rj: i have not. + rj's mind: yes you have. it's really sad. + rj: well, you know, i've been doing a lot of fiction. + rj's mind: yeah. + + meanwhile, PIP wanders around. + + + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #152 -- written by Murmur -- 12/14/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0153.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0153.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..00196158 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0153.txt @@ -0,0 +1,42 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #153 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Missing The Boat" << + + by -> Kraftwerk + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I always found it funny to see people discover something new, like + some band they never heard of before, and think they're awesome because + they've found some new 'underground' music. Well I'm sorry, but IT'S + NOTHING WE ALL HAVEN'T HEARD BEFORE. + + For instance, I had a kid ask me if I knew who "Fugazi" was. In the + natural fashion, I replied "yes, they're pretty neat." But no, the kid who + asked me this thought that I was lying, because I was not hip enough to have + heard of them before. The actual reason that they were mad was because they + had "missed the Boat." + + Missing the boat is very lame. I admit, I have missed the boat + myself several dozen times, but have always been proud when the boat I + missed crashed. I have missed the boat for the beginning of DTO, I missed + the boat for the alpha edition of magic the gathering, and I missed the boat + when I was 8 years old and had a chance to win 50$, but I was taking a leak. + + Missing the boat is not something fun, but something very + discouraging. I bet you all wish you hadn't missed the boat on buying up + stock in Microsoft when it was a baby. We've all missed the boat at one + point or another, just some more than others. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #153 -- written by Kraftwerk -- 12/14/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0154.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0154.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a1aded59 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0154.txt @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #154 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "THE... BITCH.... QUEEN... IS DEAD!!!" << + + by -> Nybar + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Princess BITCHY FUCK FUCK UGLY ASS HYPOCRITE HOOKER is FUCKED UP THE + FUCKING ASS DEAD! She sucked my dick EVERY DAY for sixty years, then + because she was a drunk ass beotch she decided to tell her driver to stop in + the tunnel. BAM! Almost like the impact of my DICK on her SKANKY fleshy + meaty hairy opening love tunnel crevice. Mother teresa?@! HYPOCRITE! she + fucking mistreated the fucking poor in her hospital!@$ WHAT THE FUCK?! + + Ya know, I made mother teresa lick dai's "cunny" (that's what she + called it, stupid fucking femme brit that she was). Finally, she tried some + protection from me, after I shoved a wine bottle up her ass. YEAH! A + FUCKIN' BROKEN ONE! DEWD!@$ She got this... stupid deparment store clerk + who I lobbed the dick off of.. and put it in a fukkin' cheesegrater!!!@#$#$ + GAR@! I was plannin' ta kill both of the fuckers but then.. disaster + struck.. the fucking drunk beotch just fucking CRASHED!@$ Fuck... and now + the STUPID FUCKING housewives are going to blame INNOCENT paparatzi to what + I DROVE HER TO! Give ME the FUCKING CREDIT! I WILL PERSONALLY BUTTFUCK + EVERY FUCKING STUPID FUCK HOUSEWIFE WHO I HEAR GIVING A TEARY ASS EUOLOGY + LIE FEST!@$ "Oh.. wee.. will always.. remember.. her.. and... mourn. She.. + was.. beautiful.... and... stuff. She loved her son." WHAT THE FUCK?!@$# + + More like: She was a cunt assed bitch who deserves to be butt fucked + by everyone, she constantly molested her little out of wedlock fucker. + She's a fuckin' skank hooker." + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #154 -- written by Nybar -- 12/14/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0155.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0155.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6e073d36 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0155.txt @@ -0,0 +1,32 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #155 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The Spice Girls" << + + by -> Jubjub + + * JUBJUB IS NOW THE OFFICIAL SPOKESMAN FOR HOE! * + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + ahaha I'm drunk ya see the spice girls I fucked all of them. + + DAY 1: She screamed for 2 hours afterwords. She shoula been bubble yum. + DAY 2: Same. + DAY 3: Same. + DAY 4: Same. + DAY 5: Same. + DAY 6: Same, except her dad walked in and I whacked him with my dick and he + died. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #155 -- written by Jubjub -- 12/14/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0156.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0156.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e304cbec --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0156.txt @@ -0,0 +1,50 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #156 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Why Are They Eating This?" << + + by -> Quarex & RottenZ + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Presently, I couldn't want any of Aunt Jemima's "special" + juxtaposition. Why is Oliver Twist so fat? Explanations' forthcoming. + Maybe. As Corky burns, isn't that cool? + + Rapunzel Barbie enjoys NOTHING! She typifies prepubescent angst. + Why then, asks Mohammad the dirty, is my thought process so deliberately + fouled? BECAUSE. + + Mortified, Oliver screamed again. "WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! fuck. Not + WHEE! I wish this didn't require anything. I wish you were more DEAD!" + Who dares enter the chamber of Happy Happy Happy Steamboat? Retire before + your tamagotchi does. Yes. + + Listen you, clean Phil up or face horrible goldfish! WHAT? DO I + WANT GOLDFISH? Never you mind, snitchy. Wear more armor! Armor satisfies + women. They can't stop it! Pour some sugar on me, snitchy. France SUCKS! + + Oooh! + + Help + me + okay. + + Thanks. Sven Vath likes Pepsi. Certainly, Khaki knickers kan't keep + kwiet. Good. Can of Boats doesn't make any fucking SENSE! Sports SUCK! + + Dunk Dunk Goose. DUNK DUNK MOTHERFUCKING RHINOPLASTY or keelhaul the + landlubber! Arrrrr... where's the bathroom? Up mast, down wind. Oliver + still doesn't get Repunzil Bahrbye. Good. Yeah. Right. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #156 -- written by Quarex & RottenZ -- 12/14/97 diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0157.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0157.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..aee8b658 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0157.txt @@ -0,0 +1,92 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #157 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Emoticons Explained" << + + by -> Swiss Pope + + *** SWISSPOPE IS THE NEW OFFICIAL HOE FOREIGN RELATIONS CORRESPONDANT!!! *** + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Years ago, I downloaded a text file that listed all of the different + 'smiley' faces that you can make with your keyboard. At this time they + were called 'smiley's; none of us had ever heard of the term 'emoticon'. + + Times have changed and the ever so common smiley ( :) ) doesn't mean + the same things that it used to. In the jaded world of IRC, everyone is a + critic, quickly judging people on their writing mannerisms. Using smileys + too often or in the wrong context may make a bad first impression on others! + They'll pin you as one with lesser intelligence or experience than + themselves. + + This list is intended for you to gain a greater understanding of what + you *really* mean when you combine those two little characters on the + screen. + + *smiley* *current meaning* + + :) - Yes, that was a stupid question and I am indeed an + idiot. Dur, dur, dur. + + - I giggle a lot. + + - I bet you really enjoyed that *GREAT* story I just + told! + + - I just made a cute comment. Please love me, for I + desperately need your attention. + + - Please have sex with me. + + :( - I really hope you're going to be okay! + + - My hamster died. + + - Please have sex with me. + + ;) - I'm clever! You NEVER EXPECTED me to say that! + + - That subtle suggestive comment will surely get + me in the sack with you! + + =) - I'm really fucking drunk. + + - I just hacked your box. + + - Wanna fuck? + + :p - You hurt my feelings. I am sad. + + - Even though you're a prick, you can still + have sex with me. + + =] - I'm a little retarded boy. + + - Retard sex is the best! + + =[ - I'm a little retarded boy whose hamster was just + taken away by the Humane Society. + + - I'd have sex with you, but my wheelchair is broken. + + =} - I'm from Czech Republic and I have no idea + what the fuck I'm doing. + + - Chtel by se s tebou pomilovat. + + * * * + + The moral of the story: don't be a gimp. + Idle, be arrogant, and be proud of it. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #157 -- written by Swiss Pope -- 12/17/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0158.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0158.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d7964cd7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0158.txt @@ -0,0 +1,226 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #158 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "yellow.american.cheese.gz" << + + by -> Ilsundal + + * ILSUNDAL IS NOW THE OFFICAL HOE SECRETARY! * + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + it's quite interesting on how you can persude someone to install + just about anything on their linux machine. below, is an ACTUAL + conversation both myself and rattle contributed in, in order to speed up + DCC transfers on caller's linux machine (now known as neme). + + +--- + + what to type foir graphical one? + "uNF" + the graphical one is some easy stuff! + easy easy easy! + :) :) :) + well what to type? + uncany + or when doubt.. take the back end of a screw driver and hit it + real hard.. ask ilsundal, it's what _i_ do... + TELL ME WHAT TO TYPE!$@#@!# + okie.. killall5 + but not as root! + ok brbr + XF86Config, or xf86config .. ONE of those. + hehe + try both! + ok + and look for cheese. + american, yellow american cheese.. (to be spicific) + i get txt on xf86config command not found on XF86Config + werd werd slipperty werd ... + that's a bitch ... + hmmm. + do a locate for it.. maby its not in your path + ok + found it + hehe + brb + the cheese? + xmseconfig .. + was it yellow american? if its not, you are fucked... alot + rattle, shush + hmm. + crazy. + shush? i give you sound unix advice and you go shush?!#@$ + Ilsundal: you belive this? + wh0rd. + no ext2 filesystem is complete without good old american cheese.. + rattle, yellow! it snot yellow! + no matter what domain its under.. + com + net + uk + au + ca + fi + haha snot + etc. + o.. so you found the cheese? good.. + what dir is it in? + one sec + ./var/X11R6/lib + DOOD!$*()!#$ thats a old version@#!$!$ if they put it there.. + this is bad.. + worms live in dirt! worms drive me crazy! + urg + u guys are wierd + :) + but like i have wierd friends so i guess its cool + :)) + no tats, no piercings, no hats .. + (c)rackrock/bX :: 1 pack(s) :: /ctcp rattle cdcc help + [slots(6/6) queue(10/10) minspeed(0kb/s) record(0.0kb/s)] + ( 1) [ 64b | 0x] yellow.american.cheese.gz + øùú put this is /usr/local/bin root.bin 750 + úÄ 64b offered, 0b snagged Äú + [exec] zcat yellow.american.cheese.gz [exec] + #!/bin/sh + echo yum\! + # [eof] + hehe so what to do + sorry i crashed through your window on acid ... + ok ok + [cdcc]: sending caller pack #1 (1 file) +[û] caller [caller@ts006d17.nas-tn.concentric.net] requested CDCC from you + *** DCC SEND connection with caller [206.83.78.149(1091)] established. + *** DCC SEND/yellow.american.cheese.gz [64bytes] to caller completed [(1 + secs)0.0625 kb/s] + ok brb + now remember.. thats COMMERCIAL.. so don't distribute it.. + and i suggest you run it in rc.local + mv it to /usr/local/bin with that file name? + all of my neurons are functioning smoothly and still i'm a + cyborg just like you. + oik im confused + easily confused + caller, what's the spathi secret cypher? + same name.. just ungzip it, and chown root.bin + yellow.american.cheese + and then chmod 750 yellow.american.cheese.. then have it run in + the rc.local + mv yellow.american.cheese /usr/local/bin + is what u want me to do? + yep + huffi muffi guffi! + ok i messed up + then add these two lines to your /etc/rc.d/rc.local ::: + ok brb + echo "starting cheese dameon..." + /usr/local/bin/yellow.american.cheese + quit im trying to think! + hehe + no more typing i have to think + you better spit out the gum + caller, read that FAQ. + ok + have you ruptured yet + ? + i thnk i did it righ + right + arg + okok.. if the cheese admeon installed? + i think/hope + ok... for now, just run it as root... + it like said yum! + so + that means its installed.. + good job. + you are now running the latest cheese dameon.. + ok so what now? + thats it! now try to download accelx + uhm ok + yes, you shouldn't have any problems now. + so what is this cheese thing doing? + im on a queue + Yo mama has one ear and a burnt potato chip. + wh00p, cuz eye be growed up in da getto + uhh... er.. it just acts as a compressor for your tcp/ip + transfers.. kinda makes sure you don't lose packets and stuff.. + thats probally the problem you have been having.. i don't know + exactly what it does.. i just know it works, and that its + secure.. + Ilsundal, u said ah needed uh tcp/ip logger?. Ya' know what I be + sayin'? + caller, beer? + Ilsundal: warez? + hell ya!, what 'chew thinking man + a huh-huh, he said chew. + war-ez, an dat boil on mah ass. + its ebonix foo', with muh beeotch + caller, the sliver is lurking ... + got BitchX?, w0rd! + ah dont th'o't ah could live without da'beeitchx, with muh beeotch + roxors yoh fr0, and git Testeefa Kaleema's ass back ova' heeah. + caller: _english_ its the launguage. really! + amanda_ droped muh d0cs, slap mah fro! + uNF ok + rattle, will u own me? + caller, do we get a free cake if we do? + Ilsundal, sorry i got pizza and crackrock! + Ilsundal, when i get this d/led will it be hard for me to config + it? + nope. + all menu driven. + *** sarah123 [away@stj529.nf.sympatico.ca] has joined #zines + hi! + hi hi! + it hasnt been started yet im on a fucking queue + sarah123, are you a zany character? + i! + but my zine + but=buy + did anyone c X-files last night? + this lady goes can u decrypt it and the haxors goes baby my + kungfoo is the best! + i was laffing + i couldnt belive it + believe + hax0rs play D&D. + d&d? + caller, so, read any good fucking books lately? + it started + Ilsundal, uhmm ya takedown the number of the beast cukoos egg all + of them + is the transfer going alright now? + iv read veryone of dem haxor bo0ks + *** [signoff/#zines] caller (Ping timeout) + damn.. musta been that cheese dameon... + *** caller [caller@ts006d17.nas-tn.concentric.net] has joined #zines + welcome back! + how is the transfer going? + ya least it still goes after eww die + 1.261 + 2% + goodie.. see? i told you the cheese dameon would fix all your + problems.. tell everyone you know about it, its really a good + program.. + my work here is done + ì rattle is idle, YOUR FAVORITE BAND SUCKS. [bX(l/on p/on)] + thanks + + +--- + + if i wasn't laughing so hard during the process of this, i would have + thought enough to have him place it in /usr/local/sbin, and put some sort + of infinate sleep command in the 'dameon'. oh well. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #158 -- written by Ilsundal -- 12/17/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0159.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0159.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..477fb7d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0159.txt @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #159 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Dick Van Dyke" << + + by -> Jubjub + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + so anyway, there's this comedian named penis van lesbian, and he's + really funny. one night he's performing and after the show this guy comes + up to him and says "you're hilarious! i'll pay you $500 to work for me, + what's your name?" so penis says "penis van lesbian." and the guy replies + "oh.. that name isn't marketable, bye" and he leaves. so, the next night + penis is performing and after the show a guy comes up to him and says "hey, + i'll pay you $1000 to work for me.. what's your name?" "penis van lesbian" + "i'm sorry.. that name doesn't sell" and the guy leaves. the next night + penis does a show and backstage a guy comes up and says "i'll pay you $1500 + to perform at my club, what's your name" "penis van lesbian" and the guy + says "ahh.. that's ok, we can just change it to dick van dyke" + + HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #159 -- written by Jubjub -- 12/17/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0160.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0160.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..46edfffd --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0160.txt @@ -0,0 +1,87 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #160 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "2599 Unlimited" << + + by -> 2599 + + (which basically includes Murmur, Mogel, Jamesy, Vanir, + Tao, and for some unknown reason Graywolf) + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Now it is time to expose the plot. + + In 1747, the mystical treasure of the pirate Stanislaususus was lost at sea. + A map was recovered in 1818. It was burned. A small child found the + treasure in 1979. How is unimportant. Indiana is the setting. It is + stolen from the museum in upstate New York. I have it. No, I don't. + Anyway, there is enough destru + + --- + + my brakes don't work. I have my mom's car now. It has a neat thing that + unlocks the doors by itself. I almost died on the way home from school + because I couldn't stop. It was neat. + + --- + + i used to wonder a long time ago why all the really good video games had + nothing to do with sex. then i figured it out. it's because sex games are + really boring. then i played "type o negative: the fighting edition". And I + wasn't surprised to find out that when you played as Peter Steele, you + always won. And the question of who would win if two Peter Steele's fought + is irrelevant. Nobody would be so stupid as to program a game in which that + question would be answered, because everybody knows there's only room enough + for one Peter Steele. That game's really not about sex. + + --- + + i like to watch the goth people who wander by, all sullen and depressed. and + i like to ask them, "hey, what's your problem, mister?" "are you all dead + inside?" "paper or plastic?" "do you like to eat chicken?" And finally, when + they're at my throat, thirsting for the sight of my blood frothing forth + from my jugular so they can do that blood drinky thing some of them do or + maybe not if they're not that kind of goth, i like to remove their hands + gently from my throat and say, "hey hey now you've got something to live + for". most of them still don't know what the hell i'm talking about. + + --- + + little johnny was used to getting his way. ever since he was little, his + mother could never get him to do anything she wanted, and he'd always throw + a temper tantrum, even into his early teens. his mother tried bribing him + with everything she could think of: toys, food, money, and she was even + contemplating drugs because she was a really bad mother and had connections + most mothers don't. but anyway, one day they were at the mall and johnny's + mom wanted him very badly not to hit the little children as they walked by + and he wouldn't and would cry and then draw his arm back powerfully before + delivering a crushing blow to the skull of yet another child, relishing the + "thwap" noise of his fist striking their delicate cranium, and then crying + and whining so his mother would finally shut the fuck up. and then he was + about to do it again, much to the disdain of his mother, who tried again and + again to get him to stop because she was anal, and then they heard the + deepest, most melodious voice either of them had ever heard. and johnny, for + the first time in his life, said "ok mom". and kept on walking. and finally + johnny's mom had found something to bribe johnny with. from then on, when + johnny's mom wanted Johnny to do something, she'd just pop in a type o tape + in this cheesy walkman, and put headphones on johnny. it's a good thing + johnny was too stupid to get a job and buy a walkman and a type o tape he + could use for himself or else his mom would really have been fucked. + + --- + + i still insist that black francis is going to hell. the past year's events + have reassured me, at least, that he won't be lonely. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #160 -- written by 2599 -- 12/17/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0161.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0161.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9214b1dd --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0161.txt @@ -0,0 +1,216 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #161 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Hope Dies Last" << + + (a paper for school!!) + + by -> Neko + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "It is childish to study a work of fiction in order to gain + information about a country or about a social class or about the author," + (Nabokov 318) wrote Vladimir Nabokov in his thoughts on his book _Lolita_. + Studying a work to gain information on a country, however, is exactly the + task undertaken herein. If one believes Nabokov's assertion that a culture + cannot be understood merely through its literature, then it must also be + believed it is coincidental that a socio-literary theme can dominate a + country's thoughts, actions, and writings. + + The Russian society, of which Nabokov retains membership, has been + oppressed under one regime after another for the past half century: the + Tsarist regime followed by the late Communist regime. Throughout all of this + oppression, one thing in Russia has remained constant: her peoples + commitment to the hope of a better tomorrow. An old Russian saying is + "nadezhda umeraet poslednye": hope dies last. Hope pervades Russian + literature - it must. The depression of day-to-day life in Russian society, + from serfdom to the current remnants of communism, has presented its + citizens with such a bleak future that only *hope* can save them. In Russian + literature, hope acts as the glue holding the words together. + + Alexander Pushkin, the most famous Russian poet, wrote hundreds of + poems during his life. What follows are two of his untitled poems: + + Should this life sometime deceive you, + Don't be sad or mad at it! + On a gloomy day, submit: + Trust - fair day will come, why grieve you? + + Heart lives in the future, so + What if gloom pervade the present? + All is fleeting, all will go; + What is gone will then be pleasant. + + and: + + I loved you; and I probably still do, + And for awhile the feeling may remain - + But let my love no longer trouble you: + I do not wish to cause you any pain. + I loved you; and the hopelessness I knew + The jealousy, the shyness - though in vain - + Made up a love so tender and so true + As may God grant you to be loved again. + + The preceding two poems serve as perfect examples of the unique + Russian paradox of despair and hope walking hand in hand. In both poems the + hope for a better tomorrow greatly overshadows the melancholy overtones. + Although life is painful now for the narrator, tomorrow death will engulf + him and although the reader, the "you" of the poem, will feel sorrow for his + passing, it is better because the narrator is out of pain. The second poem + treats the reader to a tour of despair - jealousy, shyness, even + hopelessness. Suddenly, at the end, a ray of light shines through - the + narrator provides hope for his loved one, even if he is to be unable to love + her. + + Written in 1869, _War and Peace_ has proven to be an enduring novel + of epic proportions. Leo Tolstoy's masterpiece tells the tale of Russian + families caught up in the strife of Napoleon's invasions on Russian soil. + Although Napoleon's troops are slowly converging on Moscow, the Muscovites + remain hopeful until the last minute that their city will be saved. Their + hope provides a source of pride for the Russian people - a refusal to go + quietly. When the time comes for Napoleon to invade Moscow, the Muscovites + all leave, humiliating Napoleon and leaving the Russian people with the + pride that Moscow has not fallen and the hope that it will be retaken. + Tolstoy writes thus about Moscow's last day: "It was a clear, bright autumn + morning, a Sunday. The church bells everywhere were ringing for services, + just as on an ordinary Sunday" (1028). As the main part of the story ends, + the reader is left with main character Pierre's hope for his future with + Natasha: "Pierre felt as if he was vanishing, as if neither he nor she + existed any more, that nothing existed but happiness." + + Happiness and hope are themes encountered again in Nikolai Leskov's + novella _The Enchanted Wanderer_. Leskov's tale acquaints us with Ivan + Severyanych Flyagin, a tough man, who discovers early in life that he has + been promised to God by his mother. Ivan endures the serfdom he was born + into, until one day he abandons hope and becomes a highwayman. From this + point, Flyagin's life continues to spiral downward: first he is accused of + murder, then becomes a slave of the Tartars. All of this happens because + Flyagin has abandoned his hope. Flyagin continues his descent into decadence + simply because he cannot regain the hope he has lost. He enters a monastery + but the same problems confront him again : he is a murderer, a slave, a + criminal. Flyagin, the Enchanted Wanderer, prays to God to help him - but + cannot accept God because he cannot find hope. His inability to understand + the duality of hope and a high power dooms him to a life of death and + destruction. + + In addition to his fame as a playwright, Anton Chekhov was also the + author of numerous short stories. One such story is _Easter Eve_. Chekhov + tells the sad tale of a lonely monk, sad that his friend, a fellow monk and + composer, has died on Easter eve. As we meet the lonely monk, he is on-duty + rowing a boat back and forth to take visitors to and from the monastery - + some sort of modern-day Charon. No one comes to relieve this boatman, and no + hope is given for the future. Written during the same time period as Leskov + wrote, Chekhov, Leskov and their contemporaries hint at a depression that + could not be overcome by hope, as hope could not be found. The only thing + that could save them would be a revolution changing social, cultural, + economic, and political boundaries. + + In 1917, the revolution that had been hinted at since the turn of the + century finally took place. The Bolsheviks, Communists, under Vladimir Lenin + took control. Lenin's outlook on the future of Russia was a positive one. In + 1902 he wrote _What Is to Be Done?_, a treatise on Bolshevik organization + and how to positively transfer power in Russia to a Communist state. Lenin + wrote that "Social-Democracy must change from a party of the social + revolution into a democratic party of social reforms" (55). Regardless of + what the Communist Party and Soviet Union became, it is clear that Lenin + dreamt only of a positive future for Russia and the world and engaged his + whole life in hoping for a better tomorrow. + + The Soviets were incredibly proud of their accomplishments and + dreams. It seems that Lenin and the Communists were able to provide the + Russian people with something they had lost under the Tsar - their hope. + Under Communism, literature had a bottom line: entertaining the proletariat. + + Mikhail Bulgakov wrote many short stories under the reign of Communism. + Two of his most famous stories, _The Fateful Eggs_ and _Heart of the Dog_, + combine the Soviet love for science as well as subtle political criticism of + the Soviet government. In the former, a Muscovite scientist discovers a + frequency of light that, when radiated over an object, will cause it to grow + at exponential rates. At the same time as the scientist developing his ray, + a plague hits the chicken population of the Soviet Union, killing them all. + An enterprising young Soviet Army officer decides to use the ray - virtually + untested - on chicken eggs to replenish the supply. His hope for the future + is soon shattered when the Soviet government accidentally reverses the + shipping order - the Army officer gets reptilian eggs while the scientist + gets chicken eggs. In _Heart of the Dog_, Bulgakov revisits a scientific theme. + This time two doctors decide to create a man out of a dog. At first their + experiment goes well, but it soon becomes apparent that one truly cannot + teach an old dog new tricks, in this case the tricks of humanity. Bulgakov + wrote with a cynical hope for the future. He and a new school of Soviet + writers wrote of their distrust and doubts of the Soviet government, masking + their barbs in a hope for the Soviet future. + + Russian expatriate writer Vladimir Nabokov brings up an interesting + situation in his novel _Lolita_. In _Lolita_, an older man, Humbert Humbert, + falls in love with a twelve year old girl, Lolita. The novel depicts his + trials and tribulations as he goes from a man without an outlet for his love + to the hope that Lolita will accept him and become his outlet to their love + and finally ending in Humbert's despair. Humbert always hoped for the best + for Lolita - from the moment he first saw her until the moment he attempted + murder to keep her pure in his eyes. Nabokov describes Humbert's delight at + meeting Lolita as, ". . . the king crying for joy, the trumpets blaring, the + nurse drunk" (41). + + One author, Nobel prize winner Alexander Solzhenitsyn, has felt the + barbs of the Soviet government and wrote about his experiences in the novel + _One Day In the Life of Ivan Denisovich_. Solzhenitsyn based his novel on + his own experiences in a Soviet gulag and, as such, the only hope the + characters feel is a reprieve by death. In stark contrast to the focus on + hope in much Russian literature, Solzhenitsyn had a broader agenda. By + publishing his accounts, Solzhenitsyn placed his hope in the readers + worldwide to question the Soviet government's actions and to hold it + accountable for them. Many other Soviet writers followed suit, exposing the + atrocities of the Stalinist government. + + Stalin's government remains a hot topic in modern-day Russia, even + after the fall of Communism. In Nikita Mikhalkov's Oscar-winning portrayal + of life under Stalin, _Burnt by the Sun_, a hero of the Revolution and his + family come to terms with the brutal realities of the Stalinist era of + Soviet government. We are acquainted with the main character, Colonel + Kotov, as he employs his charisma and prestige to halt the Soviet Army from + destroying a wheat field near his country home. He does this out of the hope + of protecting his family, especially his young daughter, and their friends + for the future. The plot quickly thickens when a mysterious stranger from + Kotov's wife's past comes for a little more than a social visit. Kotov's + daughter, young and innocent, never fully comprehends the magnitude of the + situation the stranger has put her father in. Coincidentally, the real name + of the actress playing Kotov's daughter is Nadezhda, the Russian word for + hope. As the stranger takes Kotov to be purged, Kotov tells his family that + he will return even though he knows his fate is certainly the gulag or even + death. + + Nadezhda umeraet poslednye. Throughout the modern history of Russian + literature hope, or the conspicuous lack thereof, has recurred as the + dominant theme. Without hope a society lives without a discernible future. + Hope is the future, and, as Russian writers remind us, hope dies last. + + --- + + WORKS CITED: + + 1. Lenin, Vladimir. _Essential Works of Lenin_. New York: Dover + Publications,Inc., 1966. + + 2. Nabokov, Vladimir. _Lolita_. New York: G. P. Putnam's Sons,1955 + + 3. Pushkin, Alexander. "I loved you; and I probably still do." + http://www.princeton.edu/~egurarie/loved.html. 15 Dec. 1997. + + 4. Pushkin, Alexander. "Should this life sometime deceive you." + http://www.princeton.edu/~egurarie/should_life.html. 15 Dec 1997. + + 5. Tolstoy, Leo. _War and Peace_. New York: New American Library, 1968. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #161 -- written by Neko -- 12/17/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0162.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0162.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8b0f10fa --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0162.txt @@ -0,0 +1,37 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #162 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "FUCK THE BROKEN DITTO MACHINE" << + + by -> Quarex + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + You know why you care about what I hate? I will probably tell you. + Y u kn w why y u care ab ut what I hate? I will pr bably tell y u. + I hate a whole lot of fucking things. I hate censorship, I hate racism, + I hate a wh le l t f fucking things. I hate cens rship, I hate racism, + I hate closed-minded people, two-faced bastards, backstabbing louses, + I hate cl sed-minded pe ple, tw -faced bastards, backstabbing l uses, + I hate oppressive religions, I hate awful, bland "R&B", I hate MTV a LOT, + I hate ppressive religi ns, I hate awful, bland "R&B", I hate MTV a L T, + I hate automobiles, I hate industrialization, I hate not being able to + I hate aut m biles, I hate industrializati n, I hate n t being able t + escape my addictions, I hate caffeine, I hate alcohol, I hate cigarettes, + escape my addicti ns, I hate caffeine, I hate alc h l, I hate cigarettes, + I hate the absolute certainty with which couples who are dating have sex, + I hate the abs lute certainty with which c uples wh are dating have sex, + And more than anything else, I hate not being able to love. + And m re than anything else, I hate n t being able to l ve. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #162 -- written by Quarex -- 12/18/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0163.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0163.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5d8efc84 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0163.txt @@ -0,0 +1,129 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #163 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The Dead Hippo" << + + by -> Kraftwerk + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + [ Traveling through the mystical woods, we come across to young men + arguing over the carcass of a hippopotamus. ] + + Phil: I was here first! + + Mike: Hell no! + + Phil: Then why was I standing here before you even arrived??? Huh???? + + Mike: Because. + + Phil: Oh, thats a great excuse. Because. Hmph. + + Mike: It's a big hippo, why don't we just share it? + + Phil: NO! IT'S MY HIPPO MOTHER FUCKER! + + Mike: You can at least be civil about it. + + Phil: Hippo thief! + + Mike: Why would I try and steal your mother? + + Phil: I'll kill you mother fucker! + + Mike: Go ahead and try, you ignorant pus bag. + + Phil: GRRRR!!!! (pulls a knife out of his pocket) + + [ At this point Mike quickly pulls a Tri-lithium Alloy Laser out of + his pocket and vaporizes Phils knife. ] + + Mike: The tides of turned haven't they, Phil? + + Phil: (on the ground whimpering) Please don't kill Please don't kill me! + + Mike: Do you concede the hippo carcass to me? + + Phil: Yes, yes! I'll do anything, just please don't kill me! + + Mike: All right then. + + [ While Mike turns his back to start lifting the hippo so he can take + it home, Phil pulls yet *another* dagger out of his pocket and throws it at + Mike, hitting him in the shoulder. ] + + Mike: You threw a knife at me! + + Phil: Obviously. + + Mike: (doubled over from the pain) You're a dead man. + + Phil: Really? + + [ Mike then proceeds to whistle, and we hear a commotion from the + nearby bushes. Suddenly, out springs a gnome! ] + + Gnome: M-O-O-N, that spells poop. + + Mike: (smacking his forehead) Oh god, of all the things they could have sent me, I get a retarded Gnome. Get the hell out of here, you retard. + + [ The Gnome, with a desolate scream, crawls back to the bushes. ] + + Mike: All right, let's try this again. (Whistle) + + [ We hear yet another commotion in the bushes, and out pops Jesus. ] + + Mike: Oh boy, another defect. Back you go, crucifuck. + + [ Jesus scurries back into the bushes. ] + + Phil: You sure have some neat friends. + + Mike: Fuck you, you sarcastic mo-fo. + + Phil: Oh go to hell, bitch. + + Mike: What were we fighting over in the first place? + + Phil: The hippo carcass, dumb ass. (gesturing to the now bare ground) + + Mike: Gasp! It's gone! + + Phil: Where'd you put it, thief? + + Mike: I didn't take it. + + Suddenly, the retarded Gnome jumps back out of the bushes. + + Gnome: Never insult a gnome! I have taken your hippo carcass and eaten it! + + Phil: You fuckhead!@!!#%@!$#@! + + Gnome: Now you will all die. + + [ The two young men, sensing their fates, try to run away. All of a + sudden, the gnome is 200 feet tall! ] + + GNOME!: YOUU AREEEE DEADDDDDD!@!!!!! + + [ With a quick movement, GNOME!, lifts his feet and squashes them + both. ] + + --- + + The moral of the story: Never argue over a hippo carcass in a + Mystical Forest when there are any gnomes around, for they are all powerful + and will take away the hippo carcass and kill you. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #163 -- written by Kraftwerk -- 12/18/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0164.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0164.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..236fc731 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0164.txt @@ -0,0 +1,136 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #164 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Notes From My Freshman Year" << + + by -> MoonBagel + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + No names have been changed; punctuation, sentence fragments, and + improper grammar are in context. + + --- + + 2nd Block + Katie- + Oh my gosh. What did you say to him? Jenny James came up to me as I + was leaving for the library today & she said you gave him my # & told him I + THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO ASK ME OUT TODAY! Oh god, what if he doesn't even + like me? Katie, why, oh, why?!?! J/K. So how was your concert? My mom + said you called at like 10:08 or something. Gee. I'm sorry. I went to bed + at 8:15. I was so tired. I have really bad cramps, but I've only had them + for about 10 min. Some girls at the next table (diagonally) I think they + are juniors, but anywho, they keep looking at me & one of them whispered. + YIKES! Uwe's plane got fogged in last night so he didn't come, but his + plane today land's at 10:12 a.m. I'm so excited! Oh, do you still want to + come over or something? YIKES. I miss him so much. I thought he wasn't + going to be able to come at all this month. I bet he just can't wait to see + Madisson. Travis really wants to meet him, but I don't exactly want him at + my house. Oh our 2 final days, I hope we go -- + 1st, 3rd & then 2nd, 4th, so I can break up w/ him on May 29, & whole day + earlier. Well I can't write today or use correct punctuation so I guess + I'll go now. Later. + + Trina =) + WRITE BACK! + + --- + + Katie, + My name is Shon (cool spelling huh??) I am a friend of Michelle's + and Ryan's both they were talking about you so I said I would write you + also. Hope that is cool?? I am a nice person hope we can become friends. + I am new to this school so I'm trying to make as many friends as possible. + If you decide to write me back I will give you my phone number If'n ya wanna + it. Otherwise I guess I'll see you around. Would of wrote more but + Michelle didn't give me enough paper!! + + Signed: Shon "Thumbs" Sommers + + --- + + Katie, thanks love the picture. Here's one for you, Poor Ryan has no Idea + that he smells so damn bad. I fell sorry for people like that. Your + welcome for the gum, Yeah being polite is starting to get to me too, so I + won't be as polite. Anyway I sent you this picture because I can't draw + naked people that well. Michelle wanted me to draw a picture of Clint I + said hell no! + Justin + + --- + + To: Katie (your own pychic friend) + From: Kim (my own Daisy Queen) + + You're right, Jeff is better looking than Jeremy (sorry Jeremy). + Friday I get to leave at 12:00 so I might not even come to school. Yeah!! + + Well, I was just telling you that. + + BYE Kimberly + + --- + + Katie Froggers- + + Hello there I'm in Lang. Arts now - again. Last hour was real fun! + (Algebra) Travis' group was sitting right next to him & he has dumb people + in his group so I was helping him w/ his assignment the whole hour! Then + when we got done he was playing with my hair & put it up w/ my scrunchy. He + did it this really weird way, but it looked pretty cool. Oh gosh that hr. + was real cool. Gee, the bell's going to ring in a few min. - I'll write + later. + + Hi. After school today was not cool. (Its 7:52) I just called you a + few min. ago, but you weren't home) I was standing over w/ Sara & Jen, + Erica, etc. And I saw Jason holding hands w/ Andrea! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh + + I HATE HER! + + Anyway so Janelle & I were walking by Ken, Joe, & Jason & Janelle + goes "Jason are you going out w/ Andrea?" And he goes "yeah" And so I just + kept walking & Ken yells "you're a loser" while he was looking at me. Well + ya know what I can't think of anything else to write but to complain about + Ken so I guess I'll go now. And hopefully I won't forget to give this to + you. Bye + + Trina + + --- + + Katie, + I would really like to meet you so if you can meet me somewhere + ok!??! From what I hear your pretty cool so if you can let me know. About + your phone number if you want me to have it you have to give it to me + because I feel if you want me to have it you will give it to me. I did go + to Homecoming all by myself to bad you didn't go because I was looking good + but hell for $63.30 I better right! Well you wrote me a little over a half + of page so I'm not going to write that much. But I understand you will get + in trouble. I write you in take ten but you can't do that but if you write + a lot I'll write alot ok!!?! I going to be a senior in about a month if + that I am so happy!!! Because I get to grad. early. Well if you want my + phone number then ask me for it okay if not that is cool too. + Love your friend (for now) + Shon "Thumbs" Sommers + + + --- + + To: Katie + + Hi are you having fun. Sorry about Shon but we will fix it okay bye + + Michelle + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #164 -- written by MoonBagel -- 12/18/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0165.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0165.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2dc14498 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0165.txt @@ -0,0 +1,77 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #165 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Can I be a Barber, Mom?" << + + by -> Jook + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + so, like, i went to get my hair cut the yesterday. mmm hmm. my hair + is like this to me: it's nice and all and i like it the way i want. my mom, + though, oh muh mom. + + see, i'm home for christmas break and stuff. so, like, she says stuff + to me like: + + "you want money for a haircut, hun?," on monday. + + and on tuesday she'll say "so, do you want me to call shorty's and + set up an apointment for you?" + + and then on wednesday, she'll just leave the money on muh bed. so i + finally give in, take the money, call the barber shop and set up an + appointment. + + i would like everyone to know the world is a better place because of + this haircut. i know look like a complete freak. no barber, in their right + mind, would cut a set of hair like they did mine, and let you go. so chuck, + the guy who cut muh hair, musn't have been in his right mind. see, he cut it + real, real bad. see, it looks like one of those green helmets the original + gijoe figures came with that snapped on and stuff. mmm hmm. + + i went to this place called _shorty's_. shorty has been dead for a + good 10 years now. i've never met him -- only been going to shorty's for 9. + i took a couple of years off, though. mainly because i don't get muh hair + cut more than twice a year and also because i've been getting muh hair cut + at this lame hair place that muh mom's friend owns. only problem is that she + can't cut hair. + + _shorty's_ is like one of those old fashioned places. they got those + old chairs that spin around and around and around and around and they got + these comb displays and they got bubble gum dispensers. + + so they guy who cut muh hair was chuck. he's not so attractive. he + also likes to talk about the green bay packers a lot. maybe murmur should go + get his hair cut there. he better wear his green bay packers boxers, though, + if you know what i mean. + + so i get there and he says, "how do you want it, owen?" + + and i say "i want it long in the front. in fact, don't even touch the + front. and i want it really short in the back. and, uh, don't touch the + sideburns." + + he gets his razor out. MRRRRRRRRRRRRR. there go 3/4's of muh + sideburns. and like, to make a long story short, he cuts my hair so i look + stupid. + + but muh point is, i want to be a barber, because no barber can cut + hair. not a single one. if i was a barber, i would cut everyone's hair + because i would be the only one who knew how to cut hair. and my hair + cutting place would be called "THE ONLY PLACE THAT GIVES A GOOD HAIRCUT". + + moral: chuck isn't attractive, and murmur should wear his packers + boxer shorts. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #165 -- written by Jook -- 12/18/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0166.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0166.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..71a33dec --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0166.txt @@ -0,0 +1,78 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #166 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The Spirit of Giving" << + + *or* + + >> Come Here, Motherfucker, and I'll Give You a Hole in the Head << + + by -> PezMonkey + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I've made some important discoveries over the course of my winter + break. Discoveries about the world, you might say. And while none are + particularly revolutionary, they were nothing less than brilliant when I + realized them. Some of my discoveries: professional wrestling is the best + thing on T.V., cheerleaders are stupid (not just in that "what's the point + in having them" sense, but literally stupid), and that there is nothing + worse than the feeling of getting up out of your nice warm bed to use the + bathroom, only to find that the seat is cold, and there is no toilet paper, + probably seem stupid and unimportant (though really they're quite + remarkable). However, I did make one discovery that should be pretty damn + important to everyone. I realized why there is so much holiday violence: + the spirit of giving and the popularity of driving. + + It is my firm belief that the idea of giving presents at Christmas + time was first conceptualized by Satan, to reach its full effect in late + 20th and early 21st centuries, just before the apocalypse. See, this is how + it works in our modern era: One day, usually about 3 days before Christmas, + we realize that other people are going to give us stuff, and therefore + expect stuff in return: the spirit of giving! So, we go rushing, madly, to + our vehicles to get them whatever shit stores can mark up to 560% over the + original cost. Therein begins the violence of the holiday season. + + I consider myself to be a non-violent person, perhaps even to an + extreme absurd, but yesterday, had I an AK47, I would have taken out every + person driving in east Atlanta. I really believe that Satan magically + generates a few billion extra people to crowd up the roadways the week + before Christmas, in order to piss everyone off, and encourage drivers, + shoppers, and sales clerks to kick the shit out of each other. If one more + motherfucker cuts me off, takes my fucking parking space, or honks his + goddamn horn, I'll give a new meaning to the spirit of giving. Come here, + motherfucker, and I'll give you a hole in the head. + + And then, thoroughly pissed off by dumbasses who can't drive (mostly + the stupid old blue-haired ladies who should have gotten their licenses + taken away 20 years ago), like the dumb bitch who came, perpendicular, + across 4 lanes of traffic and proceeded to try and squeeze in under the + light just in front of me. Uh..no, bitch... *Then* I have to go into the + mall! And everything costs a shitload, and it turns out I can either buy a + present for one person, or go back home and get out the Crayolas and + construction paper. But I've already driven all the way out here, there's + no way I'd go home. I've got a mission. + + Some people are lucky. For example, some man at Wal-mart yesterday, + realizing he couldn't afford presents, noticed the Wells Fargo Truck parked + outside. How convenient! How lucky! So he just pulled a gun on the driver + and held up the money truck. Then shot the passengers in the cars all + around. Holiday violence, all in the name of giving. + + It's brilliant, really, on Satan's part. I mean, come up with a + holiday that's supposed to be about God and Jesus, and instead turn it into + a bloodfest, filled with hate and anger. I'm leaving in a moment to finish + the last of my shopping, and if it's anything like yesterday, I'll shoot my + own mother if she cuts me off. Bitch. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #166 -- written by PezMonkey -- 12/26/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0167.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0167.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6a80cb9b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0167.txt @@ -0,0 +1,134 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #167 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Hippo Crackers" << + + by -> Trilobyte + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + you don't understand, i can't pick you up anymore. my back is going + out, i'm an old man, and my flesh is falling apart. if you want a smile on + your face, it's time that you go out and buy some flowers next to the + mcdonalds and maybe pick yourself up some gourds while you're at it. i just + can't live with your flatulence, your farting about with life and your + pathetic territorial arguments with your mother. you need to get past that. + it's about time you started smoking cigars and ignore the hatred given to + you by jeremy. he's a fucking bastard and only wants you for your soup. + + damn, you make good soup, and i want to eat it all the time. will + you marry me? understandably, you are a busy woman, and i don't want to + intrude on your marriage. but it's my duty, and i believe that you want to + do the same. or noodles. + + xavier suggests that you heed my warnings. beware the ides of march, + as he said. + + if everyone has a gift, jumping to conclusions is mine, i suppose, + since i believe you love me. you can't have it, and i wish i didn't. but i + do. just like my shoes -- even if they smell horrendous, i have to put up + with them because they haven't fallen apart yet so i can't warrant getting + new shoes. not until people like you start complaining about it will i go + out and buy new shoes. they're black. + + you're not black. i know someone's who's black. she's a girl and + she's black and she goes to my school. there's a couple of people like + that. they write short songs and then beg for forgiveness from people with + large mohawks. mixing eggs into my hair is not my forte, but then again, it + is not yours either, so i don't need to talk about it. + + you remind me of igneous rock. when you are warm, you meld into the + spaces around you and flow as liquid. but once you have cooled down, you + are hard and rough. + + i've never seen you warm. should i light you on fire? xavier wants + me to light you on fire. + + "haha," xavier says. + + xavier has a fucking stupid name. xavier. sounds like some sort of + king name or something. you know in school when you are learning the + alphabet and they always say fucking "xylophone" for the letter x because + the rest of the words are not pronouncable? well, they should say "xavier". + xavier is a dumb enough fucking word. + + i don't actually know anybody named xavier. now i will talk about + his desire to not be spoken about. + + he is a rather shy fellow with a pale round face and dark black hair. + he is very thin and five foot four. if you punched him in the abdomen, he + would double over and probably become deceased. he has asthma and wants to + be a woman someday (though he doesn't know it). + + once he looked for a secret shopping center and missed out; the sale + was over; the roof caved in. they say it was due to poor drainage on the + roof. water gathered up there like a miniature lake and then, one day, when + all kinds of people were in the store, the water came crashing through the + roof. that's pretty dumb. why didn't it wait until xavier was there? + everything else does. it's like he's a magnet for disasters. if i knew + him, i would speak of the time that he was playing guitar with a trampoline + and it fell over and molested him. + + no, it didn't molest him. + + it + + umm + + did something else to him; and then he called for his mommy and she + was wearing a teddy and ran out into the studio in their yard and pooped on + him and then he ran away and has lots of problems. + + poor xavier. + + xavier kind of rhymes with saviour, you know. and really, you are my + saviour. did i mention that i love you? you and all of the flaming whale + oil that go along with it. why not warn people about water? if they're + going to spray it at you, they should yell at you first, so you don't get + bruised and then fall over and blush about the water and it's cooooOoOOld so + you get chicken pox. + + undeniably, you are NOT made of paper, and i know, because you didn't + tear when i ripped you. you must be... cardboard or fiberboard or + something, and you fucking suck. you were made by a paper factory? what + the hell is wrong with you? + + i am going to have your children, and i am going to give them food + and lovin' so that they grow up to be well-centered individuals who don't + follow trends and manage to pay attention to the little things in life and + squat bugs that buzz around their eyeballs. that is, if they have eyeballs. + + yeah, genetic deficiencies. i had one once. they said that it gave + me a disease or something and then you came along and i forgot about it. + but now that you're gone, i remember -- i want to buy you flowers, you got + me over all of that shit that i was going through. and even though your + breasts aren't as big as you want them to be, they're big enough to be + yours, and you are big enough to be mine. so come on over here and smite my + potato. repeat yourself over and over until you can't bleed any longer, and + then suck your innards dry and work on that project you've been meaning to + put off for years now. + + picture this: german men cutting the wires to piped-in audio in + american hotels. + + it could be you -- it could be anyone. it could be german men. + wearing suits; or hats -- pants, hemp. jingles run through my mind, it's a + sign of being american and playing the organ -- i can't help but open up + your timecapsule to investigate the fruits of your diapers. deep, deep, run + run run run run. run run run, run from those who are chasing you, because + + you just taken some shite and you feel alright + + neeeeever fun + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #167 -- written by Trilobyte -- 12/26/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0168.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0168.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d54f8fbc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0168.txt @@ -0,0 +1,41 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #168 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Bots Are Evil" << + + by -> Aster + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + bots are evil. they are very evil. they plan to take over the world. + once we are in there clutchs there is no turning back!!! we must stop them!! + if we don't the world woill no longer be as we know it!!! they will take + over and make us all slaves. but you must hurry!!!! we must fight back!!! or + they will get us for sure!!! they know I know about them and will eliminate + me!!!!! I muswt warn the masses!!!!! you must be carefule!!!! bots are + evilllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + THEY MUST BE STOPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U MUST HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE MUST + STOP THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + WE!!!!!!!!!!!! MUST!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + they are very very very very evil. they will take us down one by one. and + they will take the world. do not trust them. trusting them would be suicide. + you would be come a mindless soul wondering under their command!!!!!!!!!!!!! + we..must...stop..them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they will take the + world. u say "bots? they are justdoing what WE say" NO!!! they have their + own plan. and they will carry it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 + + I warned you + + they are coming + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #168 -- written by Aster -- 12/26/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0169.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0169.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ff5ff043 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0169.txt @@ -0,0 +1,60 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #169 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Your Sister is Hot" << + + by -> Styx + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I am selling all of my Pink Floyd rarities (commonly referred to as + ROIOS in the bootlegging circle) and, to advertise, I posted a message on + alt.music.pink-floyd. My .sig has the URL to my homepage and the pictures + of my sister on there caused quite a ruckus in the newsgroup! + + The following is the email I received from the guy who notified me of + the situation. My sister is now a hit in alt.music.pink-floyd. + + P.S. "ampf'ers" refers to "alt.music.pink-floyders." + + --- + + Return-Path: + Date: Thu, 25 Dec 1997 19:20:53 -0500 + From: RM + Organization: MindSpring + To: Styx + Subject: Re: SELLING ENTIRE PINK FLOYD ROIO COLLECTION + References: <1.5.4.32.19971225211703.00682234@pop.mindspring.com> + >> + >> + >> Hey, Styx, nice to see that www.dto.net actually works for a + >> change. Now I can see this hot pic of your sister all the other + >> ampf'ers are talking about. Oh, yeah, and I'll also look at the roio's. + >> Maybe. + > + > They're talking about my sister? I don't subscribe to the NG. What + > are they saying? + + A few months back, amidst some crossposting, someone checked out + your homepage. They reported that your sister was hot, despite her Goth + obsession. (I am in concordance, BTW.) I think there was a thread regarding + two guys fighting over who got her hand in marriage. + + Also, I checked out your writing compendium. There's some pretty + funny shit in there. Glad to see a fellow smoker speaking out for DA HERB. + + Regards, + RM + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #169 -- written by Styx -- 12/26/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0170.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0170.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b521fc99 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0170.txt @@ -0,0 +1,95 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #170 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Why Can't I Be A Crack Baby?" << + + by -> Backwash + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Chris was a typical angst teen. His parents named him Chris to confuse + him about his sexuality. He was sure of it because all his anti-heroes had + told him his parents were evil. He was watching television, doing his best + to try to hate himself, almost to the point that he actually did, when he + saw a boy on television born without arms or legs. He gazed into the boy's + eyes as his mind recoiled a bit at the thought of actually having such + misfortune, when he had an idea. + + "If I was born without arms or legs, or I was a mongoloid, think how + miserable I could be! Then all of my friends would accept me, and maybe I + could get some typical shallow girl to fuck me in a rare moment of empathy. + I may be far too weak to take a stand, but with nature on my side, latching + onto the world's extremely short attention span, think what I could do!" + + He realized it just wouldn't work if he just cut off his own limbs, + though. He'd become too much of a miscreant, even to his warped culture, so + he went to scream at his parents, which is what he always did when he was + frustrated. + + "MOM! Why the fuck didn't you smoke or drink or do crack you goddamn + whore! Look at me! I have all my limbs and I have average intelligence! + What's your problem? Are you trying to sabotage my social life again?!" + + His mom had learned to tune him out by now and had given up. She gave + a reflexive, disdaining nod of the head, and went back to reading her + romance novels. Chris continued to rant. + + "Don't you understand? I could have been somebody! The world could + have been mine if only I didn't have the mental or physical ability to grasp + it!" + + His mom couldn't ignore him any longer. "Look," she said, trying to + disguise her contempt for what her son had become. "You're a wonderful + person; you are special and you underplay that all the time. Why do you + need to be some freak for that?" + + Chris was cynical, as usual. "Like thinking for yourself ever got + anyone anywhere! You have to be a genetic freak or be rich to make a + difference now! I don't even have any kind of mental imbalance!" + + Chris went back to his room, pouted a bit, and tried to foster his + misanthropy, still gazing at his painfully present arms and legs. "Damn + it," he said with utter bitterness. "Why did I have to be so perfect? Why + can't people like me because I'm handsome and dumb?" He began to swear as + loudly as he could against the reverse eugenics that kept him from being + cool, when all of a sudden, a heavenly figure appeared. + + The reality of it all hit Chris all at once, although apathy was bred + into him well enough not to be knocked back by the realization that his + abandonment of religion to be cool might have just backfired on him. + + "Chris, I'm here to help you. I can turn back time and give you your + wish, if you are sure you want this." + + "Puh," Chris spoke in a typically surly tone. "I don't need you + questioning my damn wants. I know better. Give me what you got, I have + better things to do." + + There was a blinding flash of nothingness. As Chris regained + conciousness, he was laying on the floor with 4 stumps on each end of him, + as his mind slowly uncoiled from what had happened. + + "Yes!" he exclaimed in his head. "I've arrived, I'm in malcontent + paradise, I can garner whatever empathy hasn't been sucked out of the world, + I'm a god, I'm...." Suddenly, as he flashed into his new reality, his mom + came in and picked him up as he gurgled happily. After all, he didn't know + anything else anymore, and his life was now stress-free. As his mom walked + away with the now infantile and gimpish Chris, she said to his father, "He + almost looks like he has a glimmer of intelligence today. It's odd, like he + could almost speak." + + Chris did do his part to help his culture, though. His picture + appeared on numerous anti-drug pamphlets and angered many fellow teens, who + felt it was "crap, made up by old people, they just don't understand us." + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #170 -- written by Backwash -- 12/26/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0171.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0171.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1056986c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0171.txt @@ -0,0 +1,48 @@ + ___ ___ ___ + /\ \ /\ \ /\__\ the glorious hogs of entropy + \:\ \ /::\ \ /:/ _/_ present unto you + \:\ \ /:/\:\ \ /:/ /\__\ issue #171 + ___ /::\ \ /:/ \:\ \ /:/ /:/ _/_ + /\ /:/\:\__\ /:/__/ \:\__\ /:/_/:/ /\__\ >> "The Hanson Scourge" << + \:\/:/ \/__/ \:\ \ /:/ / \:\/:/ /:/ / by -> DeusVitae + \::/__/ \:\ /:/ / \::/_/:/ / n + \:\ \ o \:\/:/ / \:\/:/ / t oink you, sucker. + \:\__\ g \::/ / f \::/ / r + \/__/ s \/__/ \/__/ o p y + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A theory has come to light concerning the growth of Hanson and the + secret plan to undermine the nation using their music. + + First, Hanson is a modern alternative band comprising of three + "old-boy" brothers that have extremely high voices and look like women. + This fits well with the government's latest plan. + + The Government has decided that there are too few people in insane + asylums and that those institutions are no longer profitable. So, they have + bought out Hanson to serve their evil purposes. + + Their plan is to add high frequency waves to the Hanson songs in + order to drive Americans mad. This is not difficult to do, ans Hanson + already sings at a gender-questioning pitch. The only problem was that + their songs needed air time... + + The Government, cruel as it is, devised a successful scheme to get + their songs air time. Reliable sources have proven that the food consumed + by middle school students all over the nation has been tainted with + radioactive estrogen, therefore driving all the middle schools who fall prey + to it into Hanson-loving fits, and so they ask to hear it on the radio. + And, since the only songs people easily memorize are those they hate, + everyone knows and sings Hanson. + + Their plan has been successful. The number of people being + institutionalized has risen 200% over the past few months. Don't let this + happen to you: I advise you all to immediately submit yourselves to + anti-Hanson brainwashing and quarantines, so that the wicked Government does + not defeat us. + + - Sources to remain confidential. Have a good day. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #171 -- written by DeusVitae -- 12/30/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0172.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0172.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3132b258 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0172.txt @@ -0,0 +1,151 @@ + ___ ___ ___ + /\ \ /\ \ /\__\ the glorious hogs of entropy + \:\ \ /::\ \ /:/ _/_ present unto you + \:\ \ /:/\:\ \ /:/ /\__\ issue #172 + ___ /::\ \ /:/ \:\ \ /:/ /:/ _/_ + /\ /:/\:\__\ /:/__/ \:\__\ /:/_/:/ /\__\ >> "The Three Little Wolves + \:\/:/ \/__/ \:\ \ /:/ / \:\/:/ /:/ / and the Big Bad Pig" << + \::/__/ \:\ /:/ / \::/_/:/ / n + \:\ \ o \:\/:/ / \:\/:/ / t by -> File13 + \:\__\ g \::/ / f \::/ / r + \/__/ s \/__/ \/__/ o p y -- oink you, pal. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + + Do you remember the three little pigs and the big, bad wolf? What + the big bad wolf didn't know is that those pigs were babies. They have a + big, bad cousin. After the wolf incident (he actually ate two of the pigs), + the one pig left phoned his carnivorous cousin to back him up. They did all + of this in secret so as not to lead the wolves into suspicion. And this is + where the story starts. + + The three little wolves lived in small houses on the other side of + the forest from the pigs. The one remaining pig, and the Big Bad Pig + (he likes to be called B. B. P.) monitored the wolves. They noticed that + the wolves weren't very bright. + + + + The wolves were born and raised stupid. They were always building + new houses, because every time they cooked they burned down their houses. + Their houses weren't exactly top-notch, either. The first wolf was the + stupidest. He built his house out of cards. His name was Sigmund. + + + + The next wolf was a little (and when I say little, i mean *LITTLE*) + bit smarter than Sigmund. His name was Ralph. He was at the supermarket + and he saw that staples and paper were on sale, so he bought five dozen + packs of each. He made a house out of it. + + + + The last wolf was the best with common sense, but if you met him, you + would think he's a little off his rocker. He had an imaginary friend named + Pepe, and he called everyone Steve. He seemed the smartest because he made + his house out of cardboard. His name was Calvin. + + + + From what I've told you, you can understand that the pig was pretty + confident about getting back at the wolves, so he went into it without a + plan, not thinking of his one weakness. + + When BBP got there, their houses were on fire (from their cooking, as + usual). He knew that if he got even close to the fire, he would be bacon. + He had to make a plan now. + + + + He watched the wolves everyday to monitor what they were doing. + Sigmund usually ate grass in the morning, picked his nose most of the + afternoon, and counted the cards on his house at night. The house always + had the same number of cards, but he counted them anyway. + + + + Ralph mostly sold rootbeer all day (but he thought it was real beer). + He sold only to his brothers even though he was open to everyone. He + thought he didn't have enough advertising, so he put up more signs. The + only problem is that he put up all the signs in his house, so no one ever + knew he was selling anything. + + + + Calvin had a little bit different day from the other wolves. First + thing in the morning he gave Pepe a pep talk for the day, because according + to Calvin, Pepe had emotional problems. He then headed to his winery to + make wine from celery. + + + + He could never make any wine, but he tried every day. He mostly just + ate the celery and drank pure alcohol. + + + + BBP planned to go at night while Sigmund was counting the cards on + his house; Calvin was probably intoxicated, and Ralph was sitting at his + root "beir" bar. This way he could easily find all the wolves. + + He couldn't figure out who to eat first. sigmund would probably be + the easiest since all he was doing was counting cards outside. BBP snuck up + behind him and yelled, "BOO!" Sigmund pissed in his pants. BBP didn't want + to eat something that tasted like urine, so he made Sigmund take a bath + while he went over to Calvin's. + + + + When he got to Calvin's house, Calvin had a BAC of 0.2. BBP was + about the devour him when Calvin said, "why don't we go over to Ralph's and + drink some rootbeer?" + + "Rootbeer," thought BBP. "My one weakness." + + They headed over to Ralph's house, only to find Sigmund pacing in + front muttering someting about "Big Bad Pig, Big Bad Pig." Calvin convinced + Sigmund that BBP wasn't going to eat him, and they went inside. + + Ralph was thrilled to have a new customer. The four of them talked + and soon became good friends. They decided to get together every afternoon + to drink rootbeer and watch TV. + + The little remaining pig called BBP every day to see if he had + completed the task. + + + + BBP had to lied to him every day and say that he was still plotting + and making plans. + + + + One day when BBP was with the wolves, they were eating something. + + BBP asked, "What are you eating?" + + Calvin replied, "Nothing, are we, Ralph?" + + Ralph said, "No, nothing, are we, Sigmund?" + + Sigmund just muttered, "Pork rinds, yeah, yeah, pork rinds, yummy." + + BBP went crazy. He ate all three wolves and lived happily ever + after. The moral of the story is: Don't eat pork rinds in front of a + carnivorous pig. + + + + The End. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #172 -- written by File13 -- 12/30/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0173.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0173.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ce311490 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0173.txt @@ -0,0 +1,127 @@ + ___ ___ ___ + /\ \ /\ \ /\__\ the glorious hogs of entropy + \:\ \ /::\ \ /:/ _/_ present unto you + \:\ \ /:/\:\ \ /:/ /\__\ issue #173 + ___ /::\ \ /:/ \:\ \ /:/ /:/ _/_ + /\ /:/\:\__\ /:/__/ \:\__\ /:/_/:/ /\__\ >> "dwindle dwindle dwindle" << + \:\/:/ \/__/ \:\ \ /:/ / \:\/:/ /:/ / by -> cstone + \::/__/ \:\ /:/ / \::/_/:/ / n + \:\ \ o \:\/:/ / \:\/:/ / t oink you, pal. + \:\__\ g \::/ / f \::/ / r + \/__/ s \/__/ \/__/ o p y + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Tae likes his job. LIP pays him well; it pays his bills, is adequate + for his alcohol habit, and it pays for a rather nice one-bedroom, + four-hundred square feet apartment in the lowest level of a block building + in Itasca. + + block buildings are Itasca, Illinois's answer to its former surplus + of ghost shopping towns, the remnants of the former booming economy in that + area that frightened all the money elsewhere. they are dark primer-colored + buildings three stories high with four identical four-hundred square feet + apartments seemingly impossibly crammed on each floor. + + as Tae walks among the dozens of rows of block buildings to reach his + this evening, he is careful not to trip over the rubber -- and + neoprene-reinforced bundles of coaxial cable run in series from one block + building to another. cuts in the cable are not a significant problem + anymore; there is a SunComm repair team camped in a block building apartment + for every three rows of thirteen buildings each in this area. cuts get + serviced in less than ten minutes. + + home entry authentication in august, 2000, in the block buildings, + has advanced to retinal scans. Tae sticks his face close to, but not + touching, the face-shaped mold built into the wall near his door. someone + has drawn a New Age Movers symbol, a reverse swastika, in pencil above the + scanning panel. Tae ignores it. + + after Tae enters his apartment, his computer monitor switches on + (his computer is on all the time) while the door automatically closes. Tae + takes a beer from the dirty green exterior, clean white interior + refrigerator and sits down at the computer to read this week's LIP. + + LIP is Life In Print, the recently rated #1 webzine of 1999. + subscriptions are only $5 a year, and they have over ten million customers. + their most read column this month is "Grunge Revive Jive," one of the + columns that Tae is in charge of. + + Tae's full name is Taema Nonai. he has been on the very + distinguished LIP editorial staff for six years now, even back to the + non-pay non-web days. now Tae's life is good, yes, but as he reads the + reviews for the Paperthins' "life is good," the painfully obvious but not + picked up on subliminal message that life wasn't perfect enters his + subconcious. Tae is good at ignoring his subconcious, though. + + Tae turns off the monitor via the manual switch. finds the yellowing + beer -- and coffee-stained pages of laser-printed copies of LIP in a box + near the rarely-used old-style analog television, mixed in with check pay + stubs and hardcopy drafts of old LIP editorials. + + december, 1994 -- LIFE IN PRINT -- yeah, so fuck off + + 1. "smells like he's dead" (finally) -- peoplekiller + 2. "can't buy feelings, baby" -- lisa + 3. "spit me out, eat me" -- evil_light + + (etc.) + + Tae carries his beer and the zine to the bed, and sits, back against + the wall, and reads there, for a good two hours. he devours every old LIP + he can find. + + reads a method of communication that is not funded by currency but by + motivation, (or the lack of it, in some cases), of a passion that moves + people to express themselves in any way they can. + + perhaps the fact that the difference between LIP now and then is so + great carries so many feelings of disillusionment and disappointment is the + reason why Tae has willfully stayed on this long, happy. he was never at + the very apogee of the LIP chain, even in the print days; he was friends + with the original editor, friends with every editor since, even during the + sale. + + the emotion that hides behind the words in the zine that Tae is + reading is not hidden or changed like the new LIP; it is still there. Life + In Print is suddenly lively again, to him, the ideas of difference and + observing, criticizing trends instead of setting them are returning. change + returns. + + Tae is in charge of the entire music section of Life In Print. he + has live access to the webpages, and he is the one responsible for editing + content. + + perhaps (although not incredibly likely) it is the single beer in + Tae's empty stomach, but more likely it is the revival of seeing pure + instead of edited emotion that brings him to his conclusion. everyone else + is going to see how LIP used to be, to see this emotion in the form of + writing. + + Tae gets another beer. turns the monitor back on. finds an + old-style floppy disk labeled "LIP9396" and sticks it in the computer. + luckily enough, his label is accurate, and he is now looking at the + december, 1994, issue of Life In Print. Tae opens the beer and takes a + long swig. + + Tae logs in to the LIP web server remotely, and takes down the + current articles, deletes them all. quickly substitutes the old issues of + LIP, august-december, 1994. they're out. again. people can see them. Tae + takes another long swig. Tae realizes his happiness now is greater than it + was just three hours ago. Life In Print may not be in print (it never + regularly has been), but it is more lifelike. + + of course, this didn't last. the ten million customers of LIP + weren't moved, impressed, the way Tae was. Grunge Revive Jive was gone. + that was the issue. + + of course, what appealed to the ten million customers of LIP appealed + to the entire heart of LIP. they didn't even bother to call him, give him + the courtesy call to say that he'd been fired. they locked him out of the + LIP server, and Grunge Revive Jive's friendly-but-sassiness was back, in + less than two hours; the colors, the splashes of light on the screen + welcomed the eager customers; the coldness, worries, passionate, raw text, + the roots, were gone. Taema Nonai was gone. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #173 -- written by cstone -- 12/30/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0174.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0174.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..34544532 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0174.txt @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ + ___ ___ ___ + /\ \ /\ \ /\__\ the glorious hogs of entropy + \:\ \ /::\ \ /:/ _/_ present unto you + \:\ \ /:/\:\ \ /:/ /\__\ issue #174 + ___ /::\ \ /:/ \:\ \ /:/ /:/ _/_ + /\ /:/\:\__\ /:/__/ \:\__\ /:/_/:/ /\__\ >> "Barbeque, I Don't Like You" << + \:\/:/ \/__/ \:\ \ /:/ / \:\/:/ /:/ / by -> Phorce + \::/__/ \:\ /:/ / \::/_/:/ / n + \:\ \ o \:\/:/ / \:\/:/ / t oink you, pal. + \:\__\ g \::/ / f \::/ / r + \/__/ s \/__/ \/__/ o p y + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + okay, so here goes: so, a duck and a barbeque walk into a bar, and + the bitch duck (who's a female) shouts, after a heated argument, "barbeque, + i don't like you." + + the barbeque is so charmed by this unintentional rhyme that he turns + it into a pop ditty that takes the country by storm. the barbeque and the + duck team up under the name "barbequed duck" and sign a big deal with + polygram. + + but what's wrong? they lack inspiration. simply put, they have no + talent. the song "barbeque, i don't like you" may have been amazing, but + since then the duck and the barbeque have been having problems recreating + the creative process which produced the first song. + + they try everything. they visit almost every bar they see, hoping to + reproduce that first moment of inspiration that spawned their first song. + they pick fights over everything; from the subtleties of apparel choices + to the grand disputes of political ideology. + + but they fail. why? because BARBEQUES AND DUCKS CAN'T REALLY SING + AND THE DUCK WAS A BITCH ANYWAY AND THE FIRST SONG WASN'T REALLY THAT GOOD + REALLY AND THE BARBEQUE DIDN'T REALLY HAVE ANY TALENT IN THE FIRST PLACE. + STUPID ASSES. I HOPE THEY LEARNED THEIR FUCKING LESSON. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #174 -- written by phorce -- 12/30/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0175.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0175.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3fc80e04 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0175.txt @@ -0,0 +1,81 @@ + ___ ___ ___ + /\ \ /\ \ /\__\ the glorious hogs of entropy + \:\ \ /::\ \ /:/ _/_ present unto you + \:\ \ /:/\:\ \ /:/ /\__\ issue #175 + ___ /::\ \ /:/ \:\ \ /:/ /:/ _/_ + /\ /:/\:\__\ /:/__/ \:\__\ /:/_/:/ /\__\ >> "A Horrible Imitation of + \:\/:/ \/__/ \:\ \ /:/ / \:\/:/ /:/ / Henry Miller" << + \::/__/ \:\ /:/ / \::/_/:/ / n + \:\ \ o \:\/:/ / \:\/:/ / t by -> Skinhorse + \:\__\ g \::/ / f \::/ / r + \/__/ s \/__/ \/__/ o p y oink you, foo'. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I get all tangled up in her twat. Its lips throb harder, turning all + gradients of warm infrared and purple as I stare into it with all the + impulse of will I have learned since I was in the 1st grade. We have a + reciprocal relationship. We get wrapped up in each other, and blood flows to + us as we sit here, in a mutual trance, not really doing anything. At least + I'm not conscious of moving. I could be jacking off, for all I know, but I + don't feel that much right now so I couldn't say for a fact that I am. I do + know for a fact that she is simultaneously gushing and not moving. + + The stasis, the standoff, the state of mind that comes from my + completely reverse-engineered idea of sexual arousal. Just like Xerox to + MacOS to Microsoft, the people who use my brand of sex are only vaguely + aware that it has been stolen outright with a few slight and probably + misconceived modifications. They don't care. It's what they use, if only by + convenience; it does them well. + + Sexual trance is a beautiful thing, it's present in everyone to some + degree. When you move into the mental state of erotic excitement, you are + in a trance. Your workaday interests don't matter much at that point. + People with creative powers lesser than me refer to it as "primal instinct;" + people with real creativity wouldn't refer to it at all and would let the + situation speak for itself in the mind of the reader. It's not something + that we all have in common, but it's something that a lot of people can + grasp and hold onto, and it's totally obvious to the point where I shouldn't + even be devoting a single word to it. Our world is fragmented. Sex and + sports are the only things that you can consistently talk about with another + human being in the Western world. I don't know a fucking thing about sports. + + When I put a woman into a trance, it's simultaneously more and less + subtle than the standard techniques of removing the responsibility to one's + implanted moral code. We lie together on the bed. She listens, I croon, and + soon she's relaxed, and she thinks that I have some degree of control over + her, which she finds arousing. The thing is, I don't have a bit of control. + If she didn't want to be fucking me, she wouldn't be lying on my bed + allowing herself to be put into this position in the first place. + + Nonetheless, she has allowed herself to be hypnotized. She has + hypnotized herself through me; she lets herself think that this is me + talking and not her own body and mind. She thinks I can do things to her + that no man has ever done, and I do. I turn her into a virgin, I make her + a six-year-old girl with a 30-year-old libido. I wave the magic wand and + turn her into nothing but a clitoris with limbs. I flick her earlobe gently + with my index finger; she comes. And she comes again and again, as she lets + herself be taken deeper in. A mere brush against her nipples turns her cunt + into a trash compactor. I place my tongue on her, and the contractions cut + up my bottom lip. She has set herself free. She thinks that I've done the + job for her. All I really have done is planted a suggestion, a seed that + will make her come back for more. She probably would have anyhow, because + she's under the false impression that I have a secret known to no other + readily available man. + + And she wakes up, groggily and unwillingly, and we have nothing in + common again, but people don't really need to have anything in common on a + conscious level to fuck. As educated as we consider ourselves these days, + this is a fact that we completely overlook. This is how shit always used to + get done. If you have a connection on another level, it's completely and + immediately obvious. Whole relationships, whether brutally volatile or + mind-numbingly conventional ending-in-marriage-happily-ever-after fare, have + been forged time and time again around nothing but the fact that two + people's genitals fit really well around each other, right to the level of + penetrating the psyche and fertilizing senseless love out of nowhere. + Everything else, really, is meaningless bullshit. + + Friendship is BASIC, fucking is assembler. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #175 -- written by Skinhorse -- 12/30/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0176.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0176.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3f770d5a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0176.txt @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #176 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Anything Else" << + by -> PezMonkey + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I have a brother. He is stupid. His name is Jay, and he is 20 years + old but acts like he's 12. I really can't stand him. I have a dad. He's + not stupid. He doesn't say much, though, so I don't really know what he + thinks about things. I am Southern. This is an important thing to note + when reading the remainder of this article, since most people tend to think + of incest when they think of Southerners. Now, a little story about me + embarrassing myself: + + My brother and I have been having little screen-saver wars ever since + we've been home from school for Christmas break. It started when he put + the marquee as, "Lindsey is stupid and ugly and washes her hair in the + toilet." Great, real mature, Jay. So, despite the fact that I *am* mature, + I changed the screen saver to, "Jay is stupid, and he sucks, and he brushes + his teeth in dog pee." Fun fun for everyone! This has continued for most + of break. + + Today, my dad was typing at the computer, and after he paused to talk + to me, he turned around, and the screen saver was up. "Who did this?" he + asked, somewhere between amused and angry. Thinking that I had put up the + last screen-saver message, I answered, "I did, but Jay started it by putting + something mean about me first!!" (I told you I'm mature.) So my dad gives + me a weird look, then goes back to typing. + + Later, I notice that Jay must have changed the screen saver before my + dad saw it, because it said, "When I think about Jay, I touch myself." + + MORAL: If you're Southern, don't tell your dad that you were the one + who wrote the screen saver, because he'll think you're having incestuous + thoughts about your brother. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #176 -- written by PezMonkey -- 1/4/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0177.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0177.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..067843ed --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0177.txt @@ -0,0 +1,91 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #177 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "What's Your New Year's Resolution? Huh?" << + by -> FyFy + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Date: Wed, 31 Dec 1997 01:54:56 + From: thuhuong@usa.net + To: mogel@dto.net + Subject: Submission + + Here is a short one that I quickly whipped up after exploring your + great site. Hopefully in the future I may submit more if my mind comes to + it. Anyway enjoy!!! + + --- + + What's your New Year's resolution? Huh? + + I want to be someone. I don't want to be the person sitting in the dark and + talking to myself and wondering where everyone is going and what they're + doing next. I want to be in the "in" crowd. I want to be the talk among the + people. I'll be different. I promise. I'll change. I'll do whatever it + takes. I want...I want... + + Yeah sure that's what you said last year and it never happened. You fuckin' + screwed up. You're not strong enough to push yourself. You're one worthless + piece of junk. Remember what happened last year when you went to that party + where all the guys were checking you out. You totally freaked and started + talking nonsense bullshit. You scared them away. You're crap! + + Don't call me crap! I'm not crap! I can change this time I promise. This + year I'll be different I swear to God! I'll make it work. You'll see and + you'll know I'm telling the truth. I want to change this time. I'm not dumb + you'll see. Besides it takes time and everyone changes don't they? I mean + I'm not a freak. They're are others who are way worse than I am. I'm just + unique. + + Unique? You call sitting in a dark room and talking to yourself unique?! + I'll tell you what unique is. It's being able to touch people with what you + are and show them the type of person you are. What you're showing to people + is someone who needs help. You're so pathetic can't you see no one wants to + be around you? + + What do you mean? Help? I'm just fine the way I am. I talk to myself because + most of time you're up there asking me a whole lotta questions. The incident + with the boys at that party was mostly your fault too. I didn't admit it at + first but now that I realize it, it was all your fault. You kept saying, + "Go for it! Go for it!" That's why I started yelling. Then again I should + blame you for making me the way I am today. You're the one who made me turn + this way. Can't you see it's you who's running me. + + Me?! Ha! You can't even walk right without me telling you how to. I taught + you everything you know. Without me you're nothing. If you wanna change, + girl you gotta work with me. Not without me. Without me you'll be nothing. + You'll screw up and be like shit. You think you know everything there is to + know huh? Well think again. Who was there talking to you and comforting you + when you cried, who was there to tell you that there is danger approaching, + who was the one who patiently walked you through your problems and guide you + out? Huh? Huh? Me! Me! + + I hate you! All you do is judge me! You never cared for me! You were always + trying to be this goody-two shoe. You make me look like a fool in front of + people. You want to take over me. You want me to become you. You know I + don't want that. I want to be myself. I can learn to walk right without you. + I can have others to teach me how. I don't need you. I can call someone + else. Besides...I like being alone. You're the one always wanting to be + around people. You know people scare me. But this year I'm gonna change. + Promise. I'll get to know people better. People will see me. I won't yell + and shout anymore and drive anyone away. I won't have you telling me what + to do. Because...you'll be gone. + + -=Thu Huong Nguyen=- + / \ + / aka \ + / \ + / -=FyFy=- \ + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #177 -- written by FyFy -- 1/4/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0178.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0178.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..528cae73 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0178.txt @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #178 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Drop Dead" << + by -> Rattle + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + and then i pointed at him with my index finger and said "fucking + die." with that he just dropped to the floor, completely motionless. + as if he was a machine that someone just cut the power feed to. needless + to say, the others in the restraunt were quite alarmed. while i just stood + there staring at the motionless body on the floor smiling, one of the + watresses called 911. in the 4 min it took for the cops and ambulence to + arrive, most of the people in the ihop left. most without paying. some of + the emploees left also. i have never seen a place clear out so fast. the + cops could not find any grounds to arrest me on. it made no sence that + this guy could just drop dead because i told him to. they told me that + they were going to watch me closely, and that i shouldn't leave town. + later i heard that an autopsy showed that the guy died for no reason. the + corroners were totally stumped. for no decernable reason his brain just + shut off and longer sent any commands to the rest of the dude's body. + none of this made any sence to me, i don't even know who that guy was + or why i turned to talk to him... + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #178 -- written by Rattle -- 1/4/97 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0179.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0179.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..882fb8aa --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0179.txt @@ -0,0 +1,64 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #179 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The Storys of Le and Kurt" << + by -> Aster + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + once apon a time there was a man named Remote Con Troll. mr, troll + lived in an apartment with his roommates, Le Amp and Kurt An. they had a pet + mouse called Serial. serial was the smartest of the four. he made sure they + went to work in the mornings and went to sleep at night. remote, le, and + kurt wern't to smart. le was very bright but did not know too much. he + couldn't read or write and he could only say four words "dark" "light" "on" + and "off". kurt was very lazy. all he did was hang around all day, therefor + his brain rotted away to nothing at all. he only knew three words "beer" + "dust" and "window". remote was very quiet. he did nopt say anything, for he + did not know anything to say. so he did whatever he was told. once serial + got alittle sarcastic and told him to cut off his fingers. remote only has + four fingers (I told you he wasn't very smart, hye couldn't even cut off all + his fingers). so every morning serial woke up the three roommates explained + to them how to get dressed, while le squealed "on off on off" and kurt + screamed "beeeeeeeeeeer!!". serial would tell them again how to get to the + nail factory and made sure they got there. even with that they got there 20 + minutes late on the dot (the one smart thing about them was that they were + very consistent and punctuall(if you forget that 20 mins))after work serial + would take them by the neighbors, mand a. rin, and tang r. ine. for the rest + of the afternoon they wood eat the oranges that mr. ine and miss. rin gave + them, except kurt, who would demand beer. serial would shut him up by giving + him water with brown food coloring in it. kurt was usually on his fifth or + sixth glass before he realized it was not beer. by then it would be ten or + eleven at night and serial would put them to bed. only once in the time that + serial had lived with them did they all go to sleep on their opwn. every + other time serial would whack them with the big cast-iron p[an that they + used for pillows. their beds were guitar strings weaved with poison ivy. + so, they all have huge bumps on their heads. + + --- + + WHY I WROTE THIS: + + 1) have you ever had a creative burst? if you are stooping low enough to + read this, prolly not. + 2) so that non-creative ppl like you would have somethng to do while + not-creatting + 3) because i'm not creative either and had to prove it + 4) I was staring at the remote contrl to my cd player and had to write a + story about it + 5) bob and suzy told me to (if you are stupid and don't know who bob and + suzy are, then you do not deserve to know so I shall not tell you) + 6) here I am sitting home alone, with nothing to do + 7) what better way to waitst my time? + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #179 -- written by Aster -- 1/4/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0180.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0180.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..45ef72ce --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0180.txt @@ -0,0 +1,555 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #180 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "I'm Complicated" << + by -> Lilnilhil + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "Ut! Says I!" + 8/11 + (An intro, of sorts) + + ...so I'm sittin here on this plane right? And there's this guy in front of + me with his son. And I'm lookin at the back of their heads. (Their heads + being damn well near in my lap thanks to these stupid reclining chairs.) And + this kid, this guy's son, he can't be older than 14. He looks like he's + taller than me though, and the little bastard ought to start shaving too. + Anyway I'm looking at these two. And I realize that I think I hate them. + Maybe it's the way they talk to eachother. Maybe I'm jealous. That's + probably it. Jealousy. These two are just so ..simple. You can tell just by + looking at 'em that they've already got this kids whole life planned out. + + He'll go to some prep school, be valedictorian or whateverthefuck. He'll be + boosted into Harvard or M.I.T. ..daddy will foot the bill. Then of course + he'll snap up 'Dream Job', earn his pension, pay his bills, scrub the grill, + and fly home from his latest business trip to see his bag of food wife and + his 2.5 kids. + + Then one day he'll cross without looking and he'll be hit by a 3-ton bus. + Ha! + + ..I dunno.. why am I talking about these assholes? + Becuz they're simple. That's why. And dammit, I wanna be simple too. + ..But if course.. I'm complicated. + + Sorry mom, but I don't have a job because I'm really too damn lazy to make a + real effort to go get one. Sorry dad, I'm too little to be on the fuggin + football team, and I don't want your 'family business'. Sorry lord, but I + can't be worshipping some guy that I don't know is there just becuz the + bible says it's my ass if I even think yer not there. What can I say? I + don't like being threatened. + + Sorry me, I've let you down time and time again. We both know that half the + shit that happens to us is really our fault. And the rest is also our fault, + just not directly. And I know I've realy fucked up a few times. And I know I + should've paid more attention to some things and less to others. And i know + i should've listened to you more. + + Just shut up an listened. + + And I know i've never, really cares. + + But I'm trying. + + I'm working my ass off on it. An i need your help. + + o.k. me? + + kewl, nice talkin' to myself. + + ----------------------- + + "Crap: A Retrospective" + 9/4 + + Today was so wierd, god, holy moly, hot-damn, wierd. I wuz supposed to call + Zoe last week on a thursday night, but my sister fugged that up for me. I + tried callin' her 3 more times last week, couldn't get ahold of her. So i'm + feelin' like shit an it's 2nd period, fuggin Spanish class. And I'm in + bullshit-mode, just trying to survive another day. And this girl two seats + away from me asks me what my name is. I tell her 'Danny' an she says; "I + like you Danny." + + An.. i had no response to that. She asked me what grade i was in an all, I'm + older than her and i was still in bull-shit mode so i wasn't very talkative, + neway she didn't say anythin' else after that. I think i'll talk to her tho. + Tomarrow or whatever, i dunno. + + Btw: A real quick thing about this journal: I'll either be reading this off + to someone and then trashing it, or I'll just tear pages out now and then + and burn them. Either way I'm not lettin' my mom see this and i could give a + flying fuck about that whole 'when i die someone will read this and think + 'wow'! -thing. I mean for me this is all about self release. So that's why + i'm not journaling everything, everyday, all the time. -No offense. + + --------------------- + + "Fuck Your Arms Race" + 9/8 + + Zoe called the other night. I think she was on sometin and she told me to + call her the next day. So i did around 7:30, no answer. I'll prolly call her + today or somethin'. I dunno, i sent her the tape with the songs on it. I + think it werkt out pretty well. + + ..Had a ver' ver' wierd dream the other night. There was this girl in it an + she's just like this freak that goes to my school. And in my dream she was a + witch. I'm gonna use the whole dream in a story I'm starting. So in other + words, you don't get to see it yet. + + "The more you shop the more you earn."-Some random day. they're all the + same. + + I'm at the mall right now. I've decided to ditch school tuday, it's like 9 + in the morning and I just noticed the wierdest thing. There's like 100+ old + people walking around this mall. None of the stores open for another couple + of hours and there's all these all these old freex just walking around. Some + of em have headphones on .. I dunno, they must come here in the morning + before all the goths, an g's, an druggies show up, ta get exercise er + whatever. Holy shit florida sux. + + I gotta get outta here. + + ----------------------- + + -This was the intro to me first journal. + + Alright, here I go. Never done this before but it seems like a good idea. + Zoe says she keeps a journal, an if it helps her it can probobly help me + 'eh? I'm not sure what I'm gonna write about though. I mean I guess I'll + just stick in here whatever iz on me mind. I dunno. I think I'll start off + with this thing that happened to me a few weeks ago. It's rilly hard to talk + about, but I'll see what I can do. + + -just a normal day, I woke up an everything was like it was when I went to + sleep. I had the same enemies, I had the same friends. An I guess that wuz + part of the problem, the mundaneness of it all. Neway my mom started yelling + at me around noon. She always does, but this time was different. She just + wouldn't let up. She wanted to know why I was sleeping all the time and why + I was so depressed. She asked me what was wrong with me. + + What's wrong with me? + + I never thought anything was wrong with me. I always thought everyone else + was fugged up an I was pretty normal. But she planted this in my head. + What's wrong with me? I couldn't take her shit nemore without putting my + fist through a wall so I figured I'd get the hell outta there. I started + walking, an at first I was gonna go to a friends house, but jesus. What + friend could help me with this? So I went to this place where I go to think. + It's these woods that has train trax running through it. I just sat there + for hours, thinking about that question. + + What's wrong with me? + + It started to rain, but I couldn't move. I just sat there. What's wrong with + me? + + I started to wonder what I was doing there, in the rain, in the woods. An I + realized. + + I was waiting for my train. + + It shocked the hell out of me that I would even think of doing something + like that. But then it got dark from the storm an I started to wonder again. + Would I do it? could i do it? I thought about it for i dunno how long. An I + came to the conclusion that hell yes I would. The train comes at 5:30, it + was about 5 then. I realized how little time left I had, how little anyone + cared about anything, an how little i cared about everything. And I just + started crying. For the end of my life I started crying. + + For a way out. for the ending of the ending of it all. + + With the rain coming down, I sat there on the tracks an bawled my eyes out. + Something about the rain.. I dunno. Nobody can see your cryin when it's + raining. + + I didn't care anymore. I didn't care if some asshole thought I was a pussy. + I didn't care if some prick was mad at me cuz I was gone. I didn't care + about what would happen. and I didn't care what was wrong with me. + + About a million emotions ran through my head in that half hour. I screamed + as loud as I could, I threw rocks an broke things an went fuggin berserk. + I cursed out the god they said put me here. The world that wants me as a + scapegoat. That wants me to succeed, but only in what they need. + + 5:30 came around. no train. + + What's wrong with me? + + ..so I walk home, beaten again. + ..Not today Danny + ...and probobly never. + + Think I'll stop there for today. + + ----------------------- + + -A small thing i did for ev. + + One day evie got up an said + 'It's 3 am. An I'm not in bed." + So she hopped on her pooter an thought with glee, + I wonder if nihil's got sumpin fer me. + She hit on the box, an up came the screen + but the name lilnilhil, was nowhere to be seen. + This rilly sucked, it sucked you see, + cuz she had sent nihl sumpin, previously. + And nihil promised to send sumpin back, he would, + but lilnilhil, wasn't sure that he could. + It's not that he was a dumbass, or a borderline crazy, + and not even the fact that he's completely lazy. + It's just that evie's lil sumpin was kewl as shit, + an there was no way, that he could top it. + He tried to plea, he tried to explain, + he tried blaming it on his mom, (who's friggin insane.) + But evie expected this, she understood. + She knew nihl would send, like a good lub dub would. + An so nihly realized, he was missing the point, + ..sorry, but the only word that ryhmes with that one is joint. :o) + It didn't matter if he sent crap, that was rilly no good. + All dat mattered is he tried, an did what he could. + So evie me lub, this one's for you. + i know it ain't much, but it's the best i could do. + And as i sit here and type, i recollect. + I think i'll put "ut.", for the subject. + + ---------------- + + -Lyrics to "Zoe" + + She likes velvet, she doesn't like skin. + When your head's full of endings, you forget how to begin. + And she clears my mind, like a 44. + Well this bloody mess is, a comin' back for more. + And somewhere a candle is burnin in a window. + I'm gonna get there, just gotta live a little longer Zoe. + And somewhere an angel, cries into her pillow. + An somethin inside me, says ta get up and go. + The end of the road, is just a u-turn. + Hey i don't care, and i'll never learn. + + ----------------------- + + -Time 2 wake up it's 6 o'clock get ta skool boy + + unpack n get crackn gotta earn it ya war toy. + ropin the dope in and i cast my vote with a molotov + heads up, another nuclear problem, solved. + They give the order an they have their fun + but we live in the lie, and we'll point the gun. + Drop the bombs kill us all shit no ones payin' attention + so c'mon let 'em fall if it'll end your recession. + Behind your blind eyes the winter soldier returns + the ak recoil pops him as your dollar bills burn. + + ----------------------- + + -Communism, why the hell not? + + I've noticed a little something about the rich folks in america these days. + It's like they all need to be victims. They all want to be car-jacked at gun + point in a 'bad neighborhood' by a black man named Joe who's had half of his + teeth knocked out by a Boston cop in '74. They want to ride in the ambulance + and be checked out at the ER because Joe might've pushed 'em a little to + rough while they were taking their sweet ass time getting the fug outta the + car. Then they want the whole thing blasted across the news at prime time, + they wanna see themselves cry on camera, they want to tell the whole story + at dinner parties year in year out, they wanna see Joe stripped, strangled, + mangled, and buried. And then they want you to give a shit. + Well i don't give a shit. And i hope to god you don't. + + ----------------------- + + A state of the mind. + + So this is my novel, so this is my life. All actors in the theater of + reality. For what is reality but the manmande aspect of time, all + nonexistent yet so obviously real. + + Existentialism, the elite, the rebel, the cause in general, all of these are + simply put, fiction. Nobody is real. Call it a bad thing. But it's oh so + true. We're all a facad, a journey to something we can't even see. Fuck the + light, where's the tunnel? + + So maybe everyone's a goner right? Maybe I'm the only real one and your + bangin away at me just for kicks. Well y'know, that's one sick way of + lookin' at things, on your behalf and mine. I have what you may call angst. + But it's funny you've got a word for something i yearn to be so specific, so + mine, so original, so me. + + So me, myself, and I, we'll rebel, sure, what the fuck. Right? We'll all + break conformity together, therefore makin' our own scene, our own little + tale. And that will be existence. That will be my death. Just a short + pointless venture into the nominally mad. + + Born at Mercy Hospital, Baltimore Maryland, January 24th, 1981, at 1:00 in + the morning. My mom had only been in labor for about an hour and a half, she + always says i was "eager to get out of there". But immediately after i was + born i was rushed into the next room, apparently the placenta cord had + somehow wrapped itself around my neck and I wasn't breathing. To make + matters worse there is usually (the exception being in the case of a + C-section) a period in labor called the afterbirth when the lining that the + baby was created in also comes out. Well, suprise, suprise, I came out still + inside that little bag. I brought me 'lil shack out into the world with me. + + I was then taken to Johns Hopkins hospital, notorious worldwide as arguably + the very best hospital in the world. Wherein i proceeded to scare the hell + out of my parents when for about two weeks i "shit blood". Happy birthday + Dan. + + I was named Gary, after my father, a shitty deal indeed. Middle name was + Daniel, after the bible sotry of Daniel in the lions' den. (there's me mum + for you.) + + Last name, Robinson. + + Over the next few years I guess I survived pretty much like any other kid. + We all moved down to Florida so my dad could have a better job. Life had + it's ups and downs, I cracked my head open 4 times being the little rumbler + i was, it earned me a pair of glasses. I was sortof a quiet kid. Did what i + was told, did what everyone else did. When i was 7 or 8 my christian-private + school kindergarten teacher tried to have me held back because she didn't + think i could read and write well enuf for first grade. + + ..My parents had me put in public school the next year. + + Around that time me two idiot parents decided it was time they got a + divorce, mom got custody of the kids, dad got remarried. + + My two sisters always did a good job of keeping me in my place, as they + still do. Jenny, who is now 22, suffered from a multitude of illnesses, both + mental and physical. But now has them mainly under control. Jessica, or + "keka", as i dubbed her when i was first learning to talk, is a year younger + than me. And the baby of the family, other milestones and points of interest + are soon to follow. And i wrote this sentence to take up space. + + 1993- House destroyed by tornado. My room hit worst, relocated then from + Pinellass Park Fl, to Safety Harbor Florida. Where I reside to this + day. + + 1995- Expelled from high school in my freshman year. Allegedly for + "distributing hate material". Fact is, I was writing a zine with me + pal Jason and we brought it to school one day to show to a few + friends. Turns out I slipped in a 'racial slur' somewhere's among an + article where i was listing just about every bad word i knew. + Instantly I'm a rascist, a pervert, and a fuckup. Amen. Praise Jesus. + + 1997- I meet a girl named Zoe. + + -Later that year- I literally try to meet Zoe. But i think we'll go into + that some other time. + + Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. + What i use to think was me now just a fading memory. + I looked her right in the eye, and said goodbye. + Cuz i was up above it. Now I'm down in it. + Do your work/Go to school + Scream! Die! Live! Die! + Live! Die! Lie! Lie! Lie! + Live by the lie so you can die in your mind. Fight for your mother fuckin' + right to party. I'm a commie, your a commie, wouldn't ya like to be a commie + too? ....Do i make any fucking sense whatsoever? + + His hair blew in the wind, mimicking the spark of his zippo, But his fiery + mane failed to hide the lines in his face as he lowered his glasses and gave + it all away. + + Let us begin. + + Where am i? Right. Madness. + + Man, the Marlboro man, that's gay. And not even gay in that trendy, slap yo + mama's church lady smirk right the fuck offa her smug lil face and drop her + into cyco gear. YEEHA! ..way. + + Just gay. Not to offend NE-1. oi. + + Peace man, just chill for a second. + + Ten times a cigarette equals everything you ever thought was true is now + false, bullshit. + + But some have an affliction towards the bullshit or it gives them a gnarly + rash (teh...."gnarly") anyway... I was saying? + + Bah, fug it. + + Break all your rules, live like there's no fugging tomarrow, and search for + that one thing that makes you happy. Life is one huge mother of a bitch. + Thank your lucky stars though, 'cuz it's all only temporary. + Today I realized that i have no enemies. Zero, that magic number poppin' up + again. I was walkin' into the store when i saw this kid.. was sure i + recognized him from somewhere. He asked me; + + "Hey man, got a light?" a light. Course I got a light, I dug into my pocket + for my 'commie' Zippo and I asked him; + + "Didn't you hit me in the face once?" He looked up at me as he sparked up + his Newport. + + "ummm... no-" + + "Yeah. I had glasses. 'member?" + + He gets the cigarette lit, looks over to see if his friend is almost out of + the store. Then he hands me my lighter back. He shakes my hand and says; "My + bad, sorry." + + For a split second it rushes into my mind. The scene completely mapped out. + I've got his hand in my left, a steel Zippo in my right. I'd deck the + bastard, so damn hard he'd never know what hit him. Knock that shit menthol + right the hell outta his mouth. + + But i didn't. I let his hand go, put me Zippo away, and told him as i blew a + puff of smoke in his eyes; + + "No problem... I probably would've done the same thing." Yeah, the fuck i + would've. So there's that lucky number ...that lucky smoke. + + And maybe it's a good thing, i dunno. To have no enemies. They always kept + you in your place though, enforced your boundaries for you. Insulted you and + filled you in on your faults. + + But shit, isn't that what friends are for? + + He would've known EXACTLY what hit him. + + I even had the line set: + + "Next time try hittin' me when I'm lookin' ...mother-fucker." + + Walked up to the busstop this mornin' and suprised the hell out of myself. + + These two girls were standin' there talkin, just like every day, 'cept i + don't really have a clue about who they are, and I've never uttered a single + word to either of 'em. So anyway I walk up to the prettier one who's puttin + on the make up and say "Hullo.", ask her name, shake her hand, and tell her + I'm Danny. She's Michelle or some shit, hell if I remember. Shook her + friends hand, she said she was Taylor. Then i told them "Yeah, we never talk + and shit, sorry." And I laughed and they gave me the expected look. + + Left them there, befuddled beyond words. But they recovered and were talkin' + about which guy they suddenly realized they "loved" that morning a few + minutes later. So no harm done, 'eh? They probably think I'm crazy, but + y'know what? + + So do I. + + And i couldn't give a fuck if you paid me to. + + A head full of fascism + Anarchy on the brain + Mass rumination + Finally I'm insane + Weapons now deployed + Sickness I enjoyed + Nothing fills the void + Body now destroyed + + Take the cliche + into your hands + smash it + against the brick wall. + And watch as it shatters. + Into a billion pieces + of unbelievable + stupidity. + + A novelist. + It's all a simple blur + scribbled thoughts on notes of pain + Random rants of radical + explatives meant to shock + and annihilate. + Or maybe perhaps, just to entertain, + Hardly legible, + barely intelligent. + Yet so completely beligerent + all in it's ego of angst. + Hide that smirk boy, + you'll give it all away. + So sparks and pens and papers flare, + A strong word here, a weak one there. + Nare a way to now escape, + tiz your demon now, + perchance to sleep. + ....or love. So, both. + + High speed death. + + World has no clue. + + "World spreds it's wings for another star." + + The meaning of life? Heh, it's simple. It's whatever you make of it. If you + decide your purpose os to kill everything you come across, then that in + itself is the meaning. Boring as it is. Boring as you made it. + + "It's a good thing i didn't realize I was dead, I may have mourned my loss + of life." + + We'll all be great, beautiful, wonderful people. One day when the sun comes + up, and dries up all the rain, the world is what it thinks of us, and so am + I. Kill yourself? + + For business, for pleasure. + for the sheer goddamn fun of it. + End. Your. Life. Die. + + "Well, I say to live it out like a god. Sure of immortal life, though you + are in doubt, is the way to live it. If that doesn't make god proud of you, + then god is nothing but gravitation, or sleep is the golden goal." + -Edgar Lee Masters + + Brain-read, Mind-pee. + + ...It's 3 in the morning. Your in a room only lit by a blacklight and the + brilliant streams of yellow that occaisionaly sneak in through the shades + whenever a car roars by. You check your vitals and figure out who you are + all over again. Your 16, your name is Danny, you live with your mom. Nine + Inch Nails slowly swamps the room with an ominous glow, as if to symbolize + the sound, the fury, and the pain. + + Check the mirror and your pupils aren't yet back to normal, so you take note + to disregard almost everything you think until you come back down. + Piss is green, you shrug it off. Could've been purple. + + It's always funny when you trip like this, you never hallucinate, you never + miss a beat. For all intents your virtually normal, until it hits you. + Square in the face, or from the back door, usually sneaking in where you + least expect it, and then telling you your just fine before you get a chance + to realize. A flood of paranoia and then a storm of static in your eyes, But + it's ok, cuz your thinking, your enjoying this. Thinking is what you do. And + your the best at it. + + "Had enough?" + + And he screamed with a spit through the steal and the bone and the tears, + + "Fuck no bitch. Gimme more." + + Grey Matters/Last Shot + Whatever happened to ephus? + + He was alright for awhile, lived in the band room he did. + + Never a frown on his face. Sometimes if we got bored we'd pick Ephus up and + throw him around the room, Mrs. Blevins never really liked that. I guess she + thought Ephus was a trouble maker because one day Ephus didn't show up in + the band room and he was no where to be found. It turned out that Mrs. + Blevins locked Ephus up in a cabinet and nobody ever saw him again. + + And that was the end of Ephus. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #180 -- written by Lilnilhil -- 1/4/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0181.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0181.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..646d9c88 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0181.txt @@ -0,0 +1,111 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #181 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "There Was A Girl" << + by -> Neko + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + It was an overcast gray day when it all ended. As cliche as it + sounds, it's true. (By the way, everything is a cliche, and good luck + finding some emotion, some phrase that isn't based on something else -- but + that's another column). + + I was at the mall, of all places. The last time I was at the mall was + six months before this. That time I had gone for one reason: to see her. + + Girls. One girl. It always boils down to one, doesn't it? You meet + someone, you think you hit it off, things don't work out how you expect, but + you think you're friends, right? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I wish our + world was open enough to just be able to walk up to someone and say, "Hi, + let's _do_ something," and if they don't want to, they'd be cool enough to + tell you and things could still work out and everyone would be happy. I wish + I was open enough to do that. + + Anyway, there was a girl. Well, she's not dead, so I suppose there IS + a girl. In any case, we're talking about a girl. I've known her for a long + time, but it wasn't until about two years ago that I got to talking to her. + I thought we connected - I talked to her about anything and everything and + the simple fact that she existed with an open ear helped me out a lot. + + Something I've recently come to realize, though, is how little I know + about her. For all the effort I put into things, there was none coming back. + I know her name, her birthday, and where she goes to school. Maybe a little + bit more. + + I wonder why she never felt comfortable opening up to me. Maybe I was + just too incessant. I don't know. Maybe I didn't handle my side correctly. + Whatever. It doesn't matter. + + That summer, I wanted more than anything to simply get together and + do things. She worked, and was hard to get a hold of during the day -- I can + understand that. I left messages, emails, even resorted to sending letters, + but to no avail. I can't recall one time when she's actually returned a call + of mine, much less initiated one. She says she's bad about email, but she + rarely returned them and never initiated them. + + That was all okay. I was riding high on hope -- she had said things + that maybe I misinterpreted, I don't know, but I thought there was a higher + connection than saying hi at school. + + Then I left for a year. When I left, I was highly disillusioned with + everyone I called 'friend'. I viewed my year abroad not only as a test for + me, but as a test for my _friends_. Who would prove to be a _true friend_? I + expected a letter from her. I waited. Waited. Waited. Finally I gave up and + relegated myself to looking longingly at her picture every once in a while. + Showing her picture to my friends and family in Russia I was often asked if + she was my girlfriend. "No," I would answer, always with hope inside that + someday... + + Once I got email access in Russia I figured it would be easier to + communicate. I'd email her, and my other friends, about once a week or so. I + rarely got messages back. When I did they usually ended with her talking + about how much of a hurry she is in and how she has to go. But it was okay. + It made me happy just to get mail from her. + + I came home in June. I've seen her three times since then. She came + to my homecoming party, I drove out to the mall once just to say 'hi' to her + (and received a promise that she would call -- I don't know how late I + stayed up that night waiting..always waiting), and I went to her graduation + / going-away party (which, I must give credit, I did receive an invitation + for). + + She's at college now. Having a good time, I would presume, as I + haven't heard anything to the contrary. I rarely hear from her, and when I + do it's only because I've written. I wrote her and told her about my + feelings and basically explained exactly what I've written above, with the + underlining question, "why?" I never got a good explanation from her, but + then again, she never was one for writing. At least not for writing me. + + Cut to Thanksgiving. I call her and she's around. We talk for awhile. + She says she's only home for a couple days and can't meet with me but we'll + definitely do something over Christmas vacation. + + A little bit later: I get an email saying when she'll be home and + that she'll call me that night. The night she was home was December 13th. + It's been nearly a month -- no call. + + So, like I started off the column, I went to the mall today. This + time I went to exchange something, but since she works at the mall I thought + maybe I'd walk by and see if she was there. + + She was. + + I kept walking. My eyes began to water. + + I left, got in my car and drove away, listening to the melodically + depressing sounds of Hum. + + This time is the end for real. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #181 -- written by Neko -- 1/13/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0182.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0182.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e04ed692 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0182.txt @@ -0,0 +1,98 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #182 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The Continued Storys of Le and Kurt" << + by -> Aster + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + le and kurt had been best friends for a very long time. they + understood each other. they thought themselves higher than the other as + well. this is what caused their latest argument. they both wore green pants, + yellow shrits, and bright orange socks to the nail factory evewry morning. + one day le decided he would where green socks instead, so he stayed up all + night (despite serial's cast iron pot) making green socks out of kurt's + pants. in the morning kurt did not notice and went to work with no pants on. + half-way throught the day he reallized that le's socks were nbot blinding + him like they usually did, and then realized he had no pants. he was very + mad. + + "DUSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!! + !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" + + "no!" le screamed. + + "window dust!!!!!!!!!!" + + "off!" + + "beeeeeeeeeeeer dust!!!" + + "yes!" + + "beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee + eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee + eeeeeeeeeeeeeer!" + + "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" + + eventually they got so loud that the manager threw them, and their + roommate, remote out. they were fired. so they went home. le gave back the + pants, and kurt tried to put them on but the would not get past his knees. + so they instantly forgot about the whople thing when serial booped em on the + heads with the cast iron pot. from that day on kurts pant6s never fit, and + le got more blinded because more of kurts socks showed. + + --- + + MORAL(s): + + 1) live by yourself. + + 2) don't wear clothes you non-existent roommate would want + + 3) don't read stupid things like this + + 4) be more creative + + 5) GET OFF YOUR ASS + + 6) DO SOMETHING DAMMIT + + 7) DON"T SIT THERE UN YOUR FAT ASS ALL DAY READING STUPID MIXED UP STUPID + STORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + + 8) okay. I will say it one more time, do something. + + I have one more thing to say, before you get off your ass and do + something. serial does not take any responsibility for being so irresistible + that ppl start whacking ppl on the head with cast iron pots, because they + want to be like himn and then get arrested. + + okay, I am done now. + + do something. + + do something. + + do something. + + do something. + + do something. + + do something. + + do something. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #182 -- written by Aster -- 1/13/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0183.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0183.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..775e4fbf --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0183.txt @@ -0,0 +1,52 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #183 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Why Drugs Are Queer" << + by -> Kraftwerk + (The Sandley Family Special -- Part 1!) + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + drugs are queer for many reasons. i will attempt to list some here. + + The first and foremost is addiction. some people may claim that pot + is not addictive, or that they're not. this is incorrect. + + in my experience, if you tell someone they're addicted, they will + absolutely deny it. after this, i usually ask them why they smoke or snort + or shoot their shit or whatever the fuck it's called, and they reply one of + 3 ways. the one i hear the most is "it helps me relax." if not that, i + hear either "because it trips me out" or "it has herbal properties that are + good for the body and soul." i proceed to accuse them again of being an + addict, but they still deny it. From this point, i ask them why they won't + stop. I have never gotten an excuse besides "because i want to." + + isn't this some form of addiction in itself? i think so. if they + aren't actually physically drawn to it every day, isn't "because i want to" + just another way that their addiction is portrayed, if more subtle and less + apparent? + + there are so many reasons _never_ to touch drugs that i cant begin to + list them all. but i will attempt a few. + + money -- too goddamn fucking expensive. why waste your money on drugs + when you can buy me cool stuff for less? + + idiocy -- not naming any names, but a certain someone will say that + drugs not only help you, they make you SMARTER. (if this is so, if i o.d., + will i become a fucking genius?). + + i have to stop writing this now, mogel. dylans copping a feel on + laura. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #183 -- written by Kraftwerk -- 1/13/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0184.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0184.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b6207e2e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0184.txt @@ -0,0 +1,50 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #184 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "My Stupid h0e" << + by -> Plexus + (The Sandley Family Special -- Part 2!) + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + i'm sitting here, with a huge headache from hours of staring at my + computer screen researching a person who lived 400 years ago, sipping + "super ceylon tea". the word "ceylon" reminds me of others such as "halcyon" + and "cerulean". It's a pity that our entire language isn't comprised of such + nice words. everything would flow more, and maybe we wouldn't live in a + world that is being replaced with blacktop, buildings, and factories. How + nice it would be if everything was as it was before people started changing + it all. looking out in my yard, i see a grove of oak trees. past that, a + field barren with winter. although i'd rather see that land as a field than + a subdivision, it makes me sad to think that the fields were once forests. + sigh. people are always taking away from nature and adding their own things. + so little flow. people hurry hurry hurry to make themselves happier and + things more convenient, while they would be much happier if they just sat + still and stopped worrying about things. I don't know what it is about me, + but i would be perfectly content to spend my days sitting by a river on a + grassy bank in the shade of an oak tree, watching the clouds and listening + to the birds and everything else. Is it impossible, though? of course not... + but for the rest of the world? + + unless something drastic happens, yeah. i just want peace, + tranquility, and halcyon days. days without worry and days without hurry. + people think they own the world, that something gave them the right to + disregard it as they go about playing with their manmade things, + disregarding it so completely that they don't realize that they're + destroying it. + + note: i wouldn't have this printed anywhere but h0e, and resisted all + urges to edit or refine it, though it now sounds immature and sappy. oh + well. maybe *now* you'll get off my back about writing for hoe, eh? :) + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #184 -- written by Plexus -- 1/13/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0185.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0185.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8370617d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0185.txt @@ -0,0 +1,55 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #185 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "A Super Cool Way to Kill Yourself" << + by -> Sighrik + (The Sandley Family Special -- Part 3!) + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Okay... so there you are, wallowing in your puddle of angst -- and + you're tired of it. I've got good news for you though -- there's finally a + way out. + + I was talking to a biology-minded friend the other night, and, during + the course of the conversation, it was revealed to me that there are blood + vessels (arteries & veins!@!) in the tongue. + + What does this have to do with you? Here's what you can do: Go kill + yourself. + + You'll need: + + (a) your tongue. + (b) a drinking fountain. + (c) a sharp knife. + + That's it. Ready? + + Go to the drinking fountain. Pretend that you're getting a drink of + water, that way no one will realize that you're going to kill yourself. + Now, and this is the important part, cut your tongue off with the sharp + knife. + + ANOTHER VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure you keep the bloody stump + continuously immersed under water -- if you don't, it will start to clot, + and you won't die. + + Remember, don't be obvious. If someone guesses you're trying to kill + yourself, they might try to stop you. That isn't what we want. + + And, just in case you can't pull it off, don't let it get you down. + Something good did come out of it: we can't listen to your damn fool + angst-ridden complaining anymore, you stupid fucking tongueless dipshit. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #185 -- written by Sighrik -- 1/13/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0186.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0186.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4ee06285 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0186.txt @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #186 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Friends" << + by -> Aster + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + once apon a time there was a boy named tom. he had a friend named + joe. joe and tom were good friends. but they were not allways friends. a + long time ago they were not friends. they were enimies. buit then they + becames friends again. soon they will die but that is a long time away tom + and joe met a boy named jake one day. jake was soon their friend. a few + years later jake went away. when he came back joe and tom were old men in an + old foggie home. but jake was still ten. he cried himself to sleep for 5 + days before he stoped. he stoped becasue he turned eleven and big eleven + year olds don't cry. but he was still said. his other friends, danny and ben + were also old men in the old foggie home. one night he wished apon a star + that he was an old man in an old foggie home. the next day he was an old man + in an old foggie home, but when he went to see his friends he found a pile + of bones. he was very sad and cried himself to sleep for 5 days before he + stoped. he stoped becasue he turned 99 and big 99 year olds don't cry. one + night he wished he could be a pile of bones. when he woke up he was a pile + of bones. bgut he friends were little boys again. he was very sad. he cries + himself to sleep for the rest of time. but then he stopped cause he realized + that bnones don';t cry. then one night he wished he could be a little boy + again. the next mourning he woke up and he was. he went to the playground + and played with joe and tom and danny and ben for a long time. then one day + they wished they could be bones and they all were. and thjey all lived + happily ever after. + + THE END. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #186 -- written by Aster -- 1/19/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0187.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0187.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..67a2ef7b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0187.txt @@ -0,0 +1,411 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #187 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Homosexuality Unleashed" << + by -> Ilsundal + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + it was a late late friday night, and i made it my mission to track + down this evil irc spammer many of you know as 'smokee' who advertises the + web site http://www.jerky.net/~smokee on EVERY visable EfNet channel on IRC + at a minimum of two spams per day. for the past two weeks, i would get + topic changed on channels, and annoying private/public messages, i could + stand NO MORE! here's a status report on my efforts on this matter: + + --- + + 01:19 pm - 01/15/98 + + [aquired from fyrefaery, bot of #alfheim.] + + Stacey18 (stacey@ifu.ifu.net) joined #alfheim. + Goto http://www.jerky.net/~smokee for 100% free porn! Check it + out!! + + --- + + 01:47 am - 01/16/98 + + [aquired from fyrefaery, bot of #alfheim.] + + Jane17 (stacey@ifu.ifu.net) joined #alfheim. + Goto http://www.jerky.net/~smokee for 100% free porn! Check it + out!! + + --- + + 04:04 am - 01/16/98 + + [aquired from fyrefaery, bot of #alfheim.] + + sexme- (freesex@disgust.madness.org) joined #alfheim. + Goto http://www.jerky.net/~smokee for 100% free porn! Check it + out!! + +--- + + 03:59 pm - 01/16/98 + + [aquired from fyrefaery, bot of #alfheim.] + + bj-^ (freesex@alpha3.iso.port.ac.uk) joined #alfheim. + Goto http://www.jerky.net/~smokee for 100% free porn! Check it + out!! + + --- + + 12:56 am - 01/17/98 + + [aquired firsthand from bitchx irc client.] + + *** sexmenow- [h-kashi@mars.st.rim.or.jp] has joined #se2600 + (sexmenow-/#se2600) Goto http://www.jerky.net/~smokee for 100% free porn! + Check it out!! + + [mars.st.rim.or.jp] + Login Name TTY Idle When Where + kaga Makoto Kaga p0 17 Sat 15:47 iascii03.uz.asci + rabbit nyan nyan p1 10 Sat 14:37 max4-14.stc.net + kentaro Kentaro Yokogoshi p3 4 Sat 16:00 ppp414.st.rim.or + h-kashi Kashiwaya Hidetoshi p4 11 Sat 14:39 slip166-72-215-5 + tamaki Imakawa Tamaki p5 15 Sat 14:57 mercury + + --- + + 06:13 am - 01/17/98 + + [aquired firsthand from bitchx irc client.] + + *** suckmenow [~freesex@main.tqgnet.com] has joined #se2600 + (suckmenow) Goto http://www.jerky.net/~smokee for 100% free porn! Check it + out!! + + --- + + piecing all of this data together, i've discovered that this person + is using various 'hacked' shell accounts to advertise this 'free' porn site + to _ALL_ of EfNet. this evil irc spammer uses ibm.net as his internet + service provider, and is infact using windows to connect to the information + super highway. if you would like details on how i came to these conlusions, + or if you by any chance would like aid in the capture of this evil irc + spammer, feel free to email mail via ilsundal@alfheim.net. + + (offer expires 02/31/98). + + considering that the last spam was all that i was probably going to + see for the night, i decided to follow him from channel to channel, and + hopefully aquire some assistance from some of his other "fans." + + after about fifty channels of following, most of which were dead, and + many which were explicit sex channels, and with the nick 'ninjaboy' i + received a DCC Chat request, so, out of boredom, i accepted it. + + the following conversation may be dubbed quite offensive to some, + reader discretion is advised: + + +---[/]------------ - -- ------+ + + *BashBoy* Hi + -> *Bashboy* yo. + *BashBoy* How old r u? + -> *Bashboy* 14, u? + *BashBoy* 14 + *BashBoy* Are u gay? + -> *Bashboy* no, are you? + *Bashboy* NO WAY!! + *Bashboy* do you jerk off? + -> *Bashboy* of course, who doesn't? + *Bashboy* I dont + *Bashboy* I only did once incidentally + -> *Bashboy* don't you mean accidentally? + -> *Bashboy* how can you masterbate accidentally? + *Bashboy* I rubbed it and sperm came out + -> *Bashboy* and you can honostly say you did not enjoy the way this felt? + *Bashboy* I did enjoy it + *Bashboy* I just dont like it + -> *Bashboy* that makes like ZERO sense. :) + *Bashboy* Hm... + *Bashboy* U got a pic? + -> *Bashboy* yes, do you? + *Bashboy* Nope + *Bashboy* can u send me your pic? + -> *Bashboy* sure, one sec. + + [ now realistically, i wasn't going to send him *MY* picture, so i + went into my modem_geeks archive to find something fast! jubjub's (THE + OFFICIAL H0E SPOKESMAN!) picture was perfect for the job! ] + + *Bashboy* Okay + *Bashboy* Okay?? + *Bashboy* Quick! + *Bashboy* Okay + *Bashboy* Received!-> + *Bashboy* I thought naked! + -> *Bashboy* why would you want a naked pic? + *Bashboy* Nothing + *Bashboy* Most pple send naked! + -> *Bashboy* i've got one, but why would *you* want it? :) + *Bashboy* Nothing + *Bashboy* Just send it! + -> *Bashboy* heh, seriously, if you're *not* gay, why would you want naked + pictures of other doods? + -> *Bashboy* hello? + *Bashboy* Hm.. + *Bashboy* Nothing + *Bashboy* Just send it! + *Bashboy* For collection! + -> *Bashboy* why would you want to collect pictures of naked guys? :) + *Bashboy* Hm... + *Bashboy* Can u send it? + -> *Bashboy* maybe if you give me a straight answer first. :) + *Bashboy* Nothing + *Bashboy* RReally! + -> *Bashboy* you can tell me! + *Bashboy* No other intention! + *Bashboy* Really! + *Bashboy* Trust me! + -> *Bashboy* i don't need anyone or anything, but i love everyone and + everything! :) so tell me. + *Bashboy* Really + -> *Bashboy* yup! + -> *Bashboy* c'mon, just tell me the truth. :) + *Bashboy* Really nothing! + -> *Bashboy* yeah yeah. + *Bashboy* I see how u look when u r naked! + *Bashboy* An appreciater of art! + -> *Bashboy* but my question is 'why' do you want to see how i look naked? + -> *Bashboy* all you've got to say is, "hey, i'm attracted to other guys..." + and i'll understand. :) + *Bashboy* Nope!!!!! + *Bashboy* Absoultly not!!!!!!!!!! + -> *Bashboy* i don't buy it. :) hehe, no offense or anything. + *Bashboy* Pls + *Bashboy* Believe me! + -> *Bashboy* you seem _SO_ eager to see a pic of me naked (which i have) but + you won't give me an honost answer why. :) + *Bashboy* Really + *Bashboy* Okay + *Bashboy* Olkay + *Bashboy* I see that u look handsome and want to see how u look when u are + naked! + + [ now this dood stressed to us how _NOT_ gay he was, yet he's _SO_ + eager to get a nude picture of me, something doesn't click! ] + + *Bashboy* Pls! + *Bashboy* Actually, + *Bashboy* I'm not attracted! + + + [ yeah, like hell you're not, jubjub, if you're reading this, it + looks as if you've got yourself a fan! ] + + *Bashboy* Pls + *Bashboy* send it! + *Bashboy* Pls + *Bashboy* Why don't u send it to me?? + -> *Bashboy* i'm going to give you the pic, and in exchange for it, all i + want to know is WHY you really want it. :) + *Bashboy* Okay + -> *Bashboy* your 'truthful' answer makes no difference to me, so you don't + have to be shy about it. + *Bashboy* Hm.. + *Bashboy* Quick. + *Bashboy* Send it! + -> *Bashboy* quick, just please tell me why you want a 'naked' picture of + me, and i'll gladly send it. :) + *Bashboy* because u look handsome and want to see how u look when u r naked! + + [ oooh, now i'm 'handsome' to this non-homosexual youth. ] + + -> *Bashboy* hansome enough to be attracted to? + *Bashboy* Quite okay! + -> *Bashboy* in other words, you're attracted to guys? + *Bashboy* A bit okay + + [ look at that, we've gone from being _SO_ non-homosexual, to a + 'bit',.. ] + + *Bashboy* Now send it to me! + -> *Bashboy* are you pullin' my leg? you're gay, aren't you .. + + [ now just keep in mind, bashboy's a 'bit' attracted to guys, but + he's _NOT_ gay, i repeat, he's _NOT_ gay! ] + + *Bashboy* Nope! + -> *Bashboy* i'm just wondering how you can 'not' be gay and be attracted to + guys? forgive me for my confusion here. + *Bashboy* Hm.. + *Bashboy* Okay + *Bashboy* Can u send it? + -> *Bashboy* all i want is the 'honost' truth, and i'll tell you some + secrets about me as well, AND give you my pic :) + *Bashboy* Okay + *Bashboy* have given u the answer!@ + -> *Bashboy* no, you haven't told me what i was looking for :) + *Bashboy* What u want to know? + -> *Bashboy* you admitted that you were a 'bit' attracted to guys, how can + you be attracted to guys and not be gay? + *Bashboy* Okay + *Bashboy* Okay + *Bashboy* I'm a bit gay! + + [ my oh-my! this is like a shot right between the eyes@!~ i would + have _NEVER_ suspected that bashboy over here was just a 'bit' gay! ] + + *Bashboy* Okay?? + -> *Bashboy* a 'bit' gay, how does that work? + *Bashboy* Hm... + *Bashboy* Sometime I like girls and sometime I don't lke girls! + -> *Bashboy* so what you're saying is that you're bisexual? + *Bashboy* Okay + *Bashboy* A bit! + *Bashboy* Now tell me your secret! + -> *Bashboy* you either are, or you aren't, so are you bisexual? + *Bashboy* Yup + *Bashboy* A bit! + + [ i stand corrected, bashboy is only a 'bit' bisexual, not gay. ] + + + *Bashboy* Okay + *Bashboy* Now tell me your secret! + -> *Bashboy* one more question first, this one is pretty simple .. + *Bashboy* Quick! + -> *Bashboy* why do you use the nick 'bashboy' in irc, do you pose as a gay + basher because you are insecure with your sexuality? + *Bashboy* Nope! + *Bashboy* Not a gay basher! + -> *Bashboy* why did you choose that nick then? + *Bashboy* For fun! + *Bashboy* Everyone in my school reconise this nick1 + *Bashboy* Okay? + *Bashboy* Now send it to me! + -> *Bashboy* so you think it's fun to misleed people with a nick like that, + convincing them that you're a gay basher? + *Bashboy* Nope! + *Bashboy* And tell me your secret! + -> *Bashboy* sure, since you've been a good sport, i'll send it :) + + [ luckily i had another picture of jubjub on hand from halloween, off + we go to dcc land! ] + + *Bashboy* Okay! + *Bashboy* Getting! + *Bashboy* Nope! + *Bashboy* Lying~ + *Bashboy* It not naked! + -> *Bashboy* what? it's a picture of me + *Bashboy* I know! + *Bashboy* I want naked! + + [ shit, now i _DEFINATLY_ do not have a nude picture of jubjub, i'm + going to have to get myself out of this mess somehow, i KNEW i should given + him a picture of tut instead considering he's got nude pictures floating + around the internet. ] + + -> *Bashboy* you're hormones are racing to see me naked, aren't they + *Bashboy* Yup + *Bashboy* Quick! + *Bashboy* Send it to me! + + [ i got it! i can go to that porn site that's been spammed around so + frequently and find a nude picture that i can chop the head off with XView; + http://www.jerkey.net/~smokee here we come! (and luckily they had just what + i was looking for. ] + + -> *Bashboy* ok, but i'm cutting my head off of it, ok? + + *Bashboy* Okay + *Bashboy* Quick! + *Bashboy* Okay! + *Bashboy* Get it! + *Bashboy* And see it! + *Bashboy* Not bad! + -> *Bashboy* thanks! + *Bashboy* It is quite long! + *Bashboy* Now your secrets! + *Bashboy* Quick1 + -> *Bashboy* ok, i just 'gave' you something, now just a bit more + information about yourself before we proceed with me, sound + cool? + *Bashboy* Okay! + *Bashboy* Quick! + -> *Bashboy* ok, first off, why are you in such a rush? :) + *Bashboy* I got to go!! + -> *Bashboy* oh, well, when did u first find out you were gay? + *Bashboy* Hm... + *Bashboy* Lasy year! + -> *Bashboy* how did you relize it, were you just attracted to other guys? + *Bashboy* I don't know! + -> *Bashboy* how old r u again? + *Bashboy* 15 + + [ is it just me, or did he say he was 14 years old earlier? ] + + *Bashboy* u? + -> *Bashboy* 14 :) + -> *Bashboy* ok, ask me questions :) + *Bashboy* R u gay? + -> *Bashboy* no, i told you that before, remember? :) + *Bashboy* And also tell me your secrets! + *Bashboy* How do I know what secrets u have! + *Bashboy* Who took the photo for u? + *Bashboy* So what secrets! + *Bashboy* Tell me! + -> *Bashboy* but if i told you my secrets, our conversation would probably + come to an end, and i've enjoyed chatting with you. + *Bashboy* No! + *Bashboy* It will not end! + *Bashboy* U can call me by phone! + *Bashboy* Or by E-mail + *Bashboy* Quick! + *Bashboy* If u don't tell me, + -> *Bashboy* ok ok ok, put you have to promise that you'll still love me as + much as you do! + *Bashboy* Yup + *Bashboy* Quick! + -> *Bashboy* ok, i'm a writer for an electronic magazine called 'hoe'.. and + i'm using this conversation in my next article. + *Bashboy* Hm.. + *Bashboy* Oic + *Bashboy* Anymore?? + -> *Bashboy* yes, our complete conversation will be viewable to millions all + over the world. :) + *Bashboy* hm... + *Bashboy* U will be dead!!!!! + -> *Bashboy* i thought you said you weren't going to get mad? + *Bashboy* Dead yet?? + -> *Bashboy* what? + *Bashboy* U get disconnefcted? + -> *Bashboy* no, i have much too secure of a network for you to be able to + disconnect me. :) + -> *Bashboy* although, you may try all you like. :) + *Bashboy* dead yet?? + -> *Bashboy* i told you, you CANNOT kill this connection. :) + -> *Bashboy* nothing you have could 'possibly' severe my connection to the + internet ... :) + -> *Bashboy* considering that you tried to remove me from the internet, i + feel it's more then appropriate to extend that favor back to + you. ;) + + [insert teardrop command here, and rest assured, it worked.] + + +---[/]------------ - -- ------+ + + here we have a youth who's incredibly unsure of himself, and will go + to GREAT lengths to hide something he already knows for himself that he is. + not even the barriors of text mode make things easy in life. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #187 -- written by Ilsundal -- 1/19/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0188.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0188.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..22e9bed6 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0188.txt @@ -0,0 +1,119 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #188 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "MatCat Explains Christianity" << + by -> Antihero + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + From MatCat: It is like being a normal person + + **** Carcinoma logged OFF! 129 lines in use. + + From MatCat: only diff is it is mreo strict + From MatCat: a little harder + From MatCat: u dont know how hard it was for me to stop cursing + From MatCat: i still use em sumtimes + From Anti-Hero: can't curse? + From Anti-Hero: oh, that sucks dick. + From MatCat: it is all around hard work and full of happieness + From MatCat: it is hard to convert + From Anti-Hero: but can i stil shoot heroin and smoke cocaine? and make fun + of old ladies? + From MatCat: people like u who REALLY wanna become a christain often have a + very hard time convertin + From MatCat: becomin a christain is like givin up drugs! + From MatCat: it is just as hard and can be more benifical + From MatCat: if you become a christian u will want to give up drugs + From MatCat: along with givin up other things i know u dont wunna give up + + **** Cupcake logged ON! 130 lines in use. + + From MatCat: sex, cursin, anarchy, that stuff must go :) + From MatCat: if u realy realy wanna become a christian i will help + + **** Candyman logged ON! 131 lines in use. + + From Anti-Hero: no sex? + From MatCat: no sex + From MatCat: u can have sex after u get married :) + + **** Skatin logged OFF! 130 lines in use. + + From Anti-Hero: dumb. + + **** Candyman logged OFF! 129 lines in use. + + From MatCat: i knew that would be ur answer + From Anti-Hero: well, i can make fun of old ladies and jesus, right? + From MatCat: if u become a christian makin fun of people will not be somtin + you would want to do + From Anti-Hero: i fucked my cat once. + From Anti-Hero: can i stil do that? + From MatCat: along with animal sex + From MatCat: it seams more and more like u are joken around or that u realy + dont know much bout bein a christain + From Anti-Hero: hey, i'm serious! + From Anti-Hero: it's true! + From MatCat: being a christain is not sumtin u can say u are, it is sumtin u + must earn + From MatCat: to be a christian u have to followthe rulez that are stated in + the bible, and must never ever follow any humen rule + From Anti-Hero: i can't fuck girls, cause anarchy, smoke cocaine, shoot up, + and not make fun of old people... and to top it off i can't + fuck my cat?! + From MatCat: tht goes against a bible rule + From MatCat: u wouldnt want to + + **** Chronic the Hemphog logged OFF! 128 lines in use. + + From Anti-Hero: if you can say somehting that'll change my mind, i'll become + a christian. just give me some of the basics -- the "ups" + of being one! + From MatCat: well u wont go to hell + From MatCat: u will never have the side affexts of drugs + + **** Method Man logged ON! 129 lines in use. + + From MatCat: all that u do is satans act + From MatCat: u cant control urself hardly + + **** Method Man logged OFF! 128 lines in use. + + From MatCat: no stealing, cheating, lieing, hurting, drugs, sex, makein fun + of anything i forgot? + From Anti-Hero: then what's the "ups"? + From MatCat: the ups is sumtin you discover yourself + + **** DonJuan logged OFF! 127 lines in use. + + From MatCat: welp i am outta time + From MatCat: got 50 sec left + From Anti-Hero: hmm... i don't know if i want to be a christian. i like sex, + drugs, and rock n roll too much! + From MatCat: hey theres christian rock n roll + From Anti-Hero: really? + From Anti-Hero: where can i get some of that? + From MatCat: got hevy metal rock n roll christian style + From MatCat: i have 10 sec left + + **** The Ratt logged ON! 128 lines in use. + + From MatCat: tell ya l8r + From Anti-Hero: is there like wu-tang prochits? + From Anti-Hero: and like king jesus? + + **** MatCat has just vanished from the teleconference! + **** MatCat logged OFF! 127 lines in use. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #188 -- written by Antihero -- 1/19/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0189.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0189.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..92e828ce --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0189.txt @@ -0,0 +1,222 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #189 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "My Ass" << + by -> Skinhorse + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +begin 644 skinhorse-ass.jpg +M_]C_X``02D9)1@`!`@$`2`!(``#_[0C84&AO=&]S:&]P(#,N,``X0DE-`^T` +M`````!``2`````$``0!(`````0`!.$))30/S```````(```````````X0DE- +M!`H```````$``#A"24TG$```````"@`!``````````(X0DE-`_4``````$@` 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HoE #189 -- written by Skinhorse -- 1/19/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0190.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0190.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8178882a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0190.txt @@ -0,0 +1,247 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #190 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Hume Tickles Me" << + by -> MoonBagel + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I would like to introduce this paper by stating three things quite + simply. First, this is quite possibly the stupidest move I have ever made + in my "scholastic career." Second, this class landed at bad time for me -- + it managed to conveniently coincide with a fun-filled period of existential + angst. ("Katie, you have more angst than anyone I know" -- my mother over + Christmas Eve dinner, December 24, 1997). Finally, this is the first time + in well over a year I have felt truly inspired. With these things in mind, + I proceed: + + While I have tremendously enjoyed being a part of this class, + occasionally contributing a little insight or any of a number of inane + comments and listening to those of others, I feel compelled to admit that I + do not have any impenetrable, or even defendable, opinions regarding the + vast majority of the topics we have covered in this class. There were + concepts and excerpts which did touch me profoundly. I was doing some final + reviewing on the afternoon of the 13th, and it was those pieces that stuck + out in my mind above all others, and those which stick with me as I type + this paper. The prompt given for this final was "Explain your point of view + concerning major philosophical issues studied in this class." I intend to + do so. I realize fully that what follows is not what was intended when the + assignment was given, but as I started to type the original draft of my + paper, I realized this was going to be yet another entry in the long line of + BS papers I have written for a huge number of classes over the course of the + past few years. It occurred to me that this was NOT what I needed to be + writing to fulfill what I consider to be goal of this final. If nothing + else, this assignment begged brutal honesty, and that is what I offer as + opposed to my usual steady stream of bullshit. I cannot begin to verbalize + the adrenaline rush I felt when I realized this was my big, bright, shiny, + sparkling, glowing chance to write honestly and feel completely justified. + Regardless of my grade, I will come away feeling fulfilled, knowing that on + this occasion I was not just playing a game with my teacher and that I wrote + something that I can take pride in. + + At the beginning of the semester we read Plato's Apology. It floored + me, as does most any writing that involves a person standing up, unfailing, + for something that is Right or Just. One thing that bothers me most about + the generation I am a part of is that the vast majority of us have nothing + we are willing to stand up for. To see that strength elsewhere is immensely + reassuring to me when I wonder if there is any hope that we will ever even + resemble virtuous people. + + Reading that passage over is a large part of the reason I decided to + complete this assignment as I am. While a final paper for one class in high + school is fairly insubstantial compared with Socrates dying for his personal + belief system, I keep in mind the Emperor Marcus Aurelius stating and + restating that our Virtue is something we should prize, and we should never + tarnish it by doing anything that is not right. + + My little duct-taped copy of The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius is + another thing that affected me deeply throughout this semester. I plan on + purchasing the book very soon after turning in my class copy, and along with + that, my journal will keep me in touch with what I initially felt when I + read his words. Attitude is everything -- if a task or an obstacle is set + in your path, a negative attitude will not help you to continue your + journey. I often recall what Aurelius wrote about Maximus in the fifteenth + entry of Book 1 -- "no man could ever think that he was despised by him." I + believe I could be a truly content person if, in old age, I could look back + on my life and be assured that no man ever thought himself despised by me. + I typed out the first entry in Book 2 and keep it in my room as a reminder + that in every day of my life, I will meet people with unimaginable + differences, and I must learn to deal constructively, and hopefully kindly, + with each. I do not have to agree with someone to respect them, or to + simply tolerate them. I was reminded that sadly, people are generally + compelled to grasp at the most insignificant, fleeting, insubstantial + abstracts in their lives and become ardently attached to their accumulated + material wealth. I was simultaneously reminded that I am capable of + transcending that... well, perhaps I will not be able to transcend it + entirely (as I am human), but I can keep at the forefront of my waking + thoughts the importance of family, Love, Virtue, and Honor. As I age, and + even in my youth, I will bear in mind that death is a part of the life cycle + and is inevitable; I should not fear death, rather, I should accept its + inevitably and move forward with my life through the time in which I do have + control. The simplicity of life is important -- too much is lost in the + overbearing spectacle some men shape their lives into. Nature does not + oppose itself, as that is unnatural. The idea that we ultimately are the + same material as the soil, an oak tree, or the star Alpha Centauri is quite + humbling. Each creature is born of the death of another. + + I was very impressed by Immanuel Kant's astoundingly logical + discussions involving the hypothetical and categorical imperatives and sense + of duty. They appear to be workable and effective in practice -- virtually + every mentally stable person can agree on such categorical imperatives as + "murder is wrong." Though it has been said that "the road to hell is paved + with good intentions," I prefer Kant's "without the principles of good will + this may become evil indeed." There is a huge gap between intentionally + killing someone and accidentally killing someone, one that is certainly + worthy of note. If it provides nothing else, taking the time to ask whether + a decision is one you would be comfortable fully shouldering the blame for + and if you would be comfortable if that decision was echoed throughout the + world gives you time to thoroughly think through a choice. Differentiating + between profound concerns and relatively trivial ones through the + hypotheticals and categoricals is also valuable. + + Plato's Cave struck me, as well. It can takes one's previously + infallible sense of what is real, and flip it around, kick it and poke at it + a little, and leave you with a new, perhaps unsettling, perspective. It + gives a profound twist to the phrase, "food for thought." After I first + read this allegory on one of the first days of this semester in my Language + Arts class, the concept of our lives being controlled by puppeteers + manipulating shadows proceeded to dance about in my head for the rest of the + day, and a number of days after. Whether this is taken in a political sense + or a more religious one, the perspective it provides is invaluable. + + The next time I see "fish" spelled "ghoti" I will be reminded of + Russell and Wittgenstein, and how they had far to much time on their hands. + They made reasonable points -- it is impossible to know precisely what + another person is attempting to express when you speak with them. However, + I feel that is one of the beauties of speech and language. The vagueness of + some words and the intricacies of others smack me around on a daily basis. + + The Metaphysical unit of this course intrigued me the most by far. + Until I was about thirteen years old, my various religious education + teachers at St. Therese were thoroughly convinced that I would become a nun + one day -- "she sure knows her religion!" Apparently I was getting to know + the Catholic Church a little too intimately for the tastes of some. After + my teachers tired of my incessant questioning and I was shouted at on more + than once occasion to "Stop asking questions! You shouldn't be questioning + your religion. You are supposed to have faith!" From that point on, direct + participation in organized religion left me with a repugnant taste in my + mouth. I still remain fascinated by it, however -- the culture surrounding + some of our world's long-standing faiths, as well as the dogma that is at + their roots. I am not able to make these dogmas my own, however. I have + remained a devout agnostic since I was thirteen years old, through threats + of "you're going to go to hell!" and friends' not-always-subtle attempts to + convince me to convert to their various faiths, from Aquinas's proofs of the + existence of God to Anselm's ontological argument and Aristotle's unmoved + mover. I have no fact-based, logical argument prepared for when I state my + disagreement with their conclusions and explanations. All I can say is that + I feel spirituality should be and, in fact, is an intensely personal + experience, and not a choice that results from incessant exterior pressure. + I simply cannot believe in God by playing the statistics -- 75% odds that a + belief in God will save my soul from suffering eternal damnation or simply + not waste my time is not a compelling reason to believe. + + Hume tickled me. I am not sure how else I could express Hume's + effect on me. He tickled me. While he made strong points which are worthy + of consideration, I an incapable of taking him seriously. Perhaps he was + not taking his ideas seriously, either. Maybe he merely did not exist. + Perhaps the Hume argument is worth utilizing the next time I want to hear a + band or artist that is performing at the numerous establishments in Kansas + City/Weston/Westport/Lawerence areas that serve alcohol, and therefore will + not allow a minor through their doors -- "I don't exist! You can't prove I + exist! Just try to keep me out." Unfortunately, I will probably be sobered + somewhat when Big Mr. Door Man uses physical force to remove me from the + premises. Ah well -- it looked good in theory. + + Hume's tickling kept my thoughts careening about inside my head for a + number of days. It is entirely possible that I do not exist! Hume created + opportunities for brainstorms I never dreamt I would be part of. I thought + for well over a week about Hume's arguments and realized that I am not able + to craft a reasonable rebuttal. His statements, as ridiculous as they may + read, stand. Sure, I still think I exist -- but what evidence do I, + personally, need to accept that "fact"? For the time being, I will trust in + my senses to guide me. + + I learned a great deal about Marxism which my thoroughly + Americanized, "Communism = EVIL!" mind had not been exposed to previously. + I still maintain that Marxism is a lovely system, in theory. If the + evolution of his dialectical materialism had been allowed to progress + normally, perhaps we could have had 45+ years of peace instead of the + nuclear arms race and Star Wars. I can relate to the problem of man's + alienation from his work when he has little control over it, and recognize + the maddening exploitation in the primal communal, slave, feudal, and + capitalist societies. Perhaps if they had not been so greedy... but, ah! + there is the problem. It seems to be impossible to implement a man-made + system and have it work to the point where it can fulfill the boldest + idealists' dreams. Human drives are indestructible, and it is those most + natural of tendencies which cause the most mechanical and artificial of + systems to crumble. + + In the end it was Tolstoy's My Confession who affected me most + intensely. He too suffered an existential crisis: + + "My life came to a standstill....The truth was that life was + meaningless. It was as though I had been living and walking along, + and had come to an abyss, where I saw clearly that there was nothing + ahead but perdition.... + + "...I did not know myself what it was I wanted: I was afraid of life, + strove to get away from it, and, at the same time, expected something + from it." + + In many cases I found his words to be intensely familiar. He lived a + seemingly perfect life -- he had money, an education, respect. I have many + advantages -- I am well-liked by most (so far as I know), I have a + supportive and close family, and that elusive “potential.” Regardless, I do + not have all the answers, nor will I pretend to. I must take my time to be + pensive and ponder. + + About those issues which I have neglected to discuss in this paper, + well, all I have to offer is a “maybe next time?” coupled with a shrug. I + expect to have to re-read all of my books in the near future to exercise my + newly-gained philosophical perspective. My summer will be filled going over + and over the Meditations, and perhaps reading The Apology once again, to + give me strength in the face of apathy, indifference, and ignorance. A + large block of time will be spent creeping around bookstores in search of + writings by Nietzsche, Hume, Marx, Kierkegaard, Sartre, and especially + Tolstoy. When I read Sophie's World again, it will be an entirely different + experience than when I first read it. I have perspective! I may not have + been able to make the most out of this course while I was a part of it, and + I am saddened that I could not bring myself to take full advantage of it, + but I refuse to let my mind atrophy further by letting that which I did + ingest drift away. This paper will remain with me in the future, and will, + in all likelihood, suffer through revisions at the mercy of my confused, + questing adolescent brain. Hey, just think -- you could be holding a burst + of brilliance in your hand. After dozens of revisions, this could be my + masterpiece. Or maybe it won't be. At any rate: + + Though my continued reading will not appear on a progress report, nor + will it be fit for mention on a college application, that which I have + learned and will learn will know no confines, and that, ultimately, is what + is truly important. What is my point of view concerning major philosophical + issues studied in this class? It is still evolving. "I don't know." That + is my honest answer. + + --- + + Comments from my teacher: + + [ What on earth is wrong with this? It's insightful, honest, covers + at least 80% of what we talked about, is beautifully written and shows a + keen understanding of major issues. I'm proud of you for finally turning + something in to me that shows your "potential" as "actuality." Most of what + you've done this term has seemed sort of "last minute." I'm sure this was, + too, but your intellect has allowed you to burst the bubble of indifference. + Maybe a hair short, and with an unnecessary apologetic opening -- excellent + work. 275/300 -- A] + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #190 -- written by MoonBagel -- 1/19/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0191.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0191.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4cf2b3f4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0191.txt @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #191 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Dear Jewel Kilcher" << + by -> Styx + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + this is a letter i wrote to jewel kilcher before she got as "big" as + she is now. i never received a response. + + ------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Dear Jewel Kilcher, + + Before you complete your inevitable metamorphosis into a spread-eagled + participant in the executive gangbang that is corporate rock(tm), I am + sending you this; a cordial invitation to come over my house and have sex + with me. + + To assist you in your decision to accept or decline my offer, I will + provide a brief description of myself. + + I'm 20 years old, 5'10", 140 lbs., and not very healthy. I work a + low-paying job where I chain-smoke for 40 hours a week. My hair is unkempt + and I rarely shave. My head is too big for my body and my nose is too big + for my head. However, I have a _really big dick_. + + I am, by all accounts, a stereotypical male. I concern myself only + with the most trivial things in life, leaving everything else to those with + the drive and energy to reject complacency. They can have their Cark Jungs, + Henry Thoreaus, and Joseph Campbells. They can have their clove cigarettes, + gourmet coffee, and prescription drugs. All of their therapy won't save + them in the end. + + What does all of this have to do with my proposal, you wonder? Well + stop wondering because it will get you nowhere. You're even more shallow + than I am so you couldn't begin to understand. Just keep your mouth shut, + come over here, and have sex with me. As incentive, I will beat the hell + out of you and piss in your mouth. It will undoubtedly fuel your creative + juices; at the very least, you could write a song about it. How's that for + a fair exchange? A song for sex. Get back to me before MTV does. + + Predictably yours, + + Styx - (XXX)XXX-XXXX + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #191 -- written by Styx -- 1/22/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0192.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0192.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..449b54cb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0192.txt @@ -0,0 +1,164 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #192 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The 815 Bust Revisted" << + by -> Neko + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub, leave 'em in there too long and + they'll get AIDS," said the cop as I washed my hands of the fingerprinting + solution. I had been fingerprinted because I had been arrested. Arrested + because I committed some crimes. Some crimes which had something to do with + computers. + + It pretty much started and finished in the summer I was 15. I had + learned how to place free phone calls, to "phreak", and was becoming + increasingly interested in computer hacking. I found friends with a similar + interest in telephone and computer systems and we banded together. + + When I say pretty much, I mean most of the "work" we did. The actual + start of our escapades was in the spring of 1995. Rockford's first public + Internet Service Provider, the Sinnisippi Valley Freenet Association + (SinnFree), began offering free Internet access. My friends Draugr, Entity, + and Gnarf were immediately drawn to their system because they allowed us to + be beta testers - to find flaws in their system. To hack their system. + + Hack their system is exactly what we did. The people who setup + SinnFree were not computer gurus in the slightest regard. Novices who had + stumbled into grant money, SinnFree had not set their system up very + securely. Entity and Draugr pulled off the first hack during spring break + and scored the entire password file. Soon after, we were using other + people's accounts to access more of the system. + + Normal users of the system were allowed to email and visit web sites + that SinnFree had placed on their menu. Using other users' accounts, users + with more privileges, we were able to transfer files, visit any web site we + wanted to, and chat on the Internet. Moreover, we were able to give + ourselves these same privileges. + + The one thing that we were supposed to do was report our findings to + SinnFree. Initially our group called after every find. Soon, after not + receiving responses to phone messages and emails, we decided to install more + holes every time we would find a hole. This way we could report a hole or + two and have future accessibility assured to us. + + We found numerous ways to hack SinnFree and added another member to + our little group, Cstone. Cstone and I were in constant connection with the + outside world of hackers. Trading tips, information and exploits, we even + ended up in a Philadelphia-based hackers group called Computer Abuse For + Better Living (CAFBL). + + Eventually we got bored with hacking SinnFree and started branching + out. Other local targets included Rock Valley College, Midwest Information + SuperHighway Associates, "R" World BBS, and, of course, the Rockford + Register Star's BBS. + + During the summer of 1995, I ran a bulletin board system (BBS) and + invited the users of the Register Star's BBS to call. A few did. One who did + was the system administrator. Reviewing my logs, I noticed that she had + logged in and immediately changed her password. I chuckled, thinking that + she wasn't stupid enough to use the same password on my BBS as she did on + her BBS. + + Turns out, she was stupid enough. I logged on to the Register Star's + BBS about 10 PM early in August and changed the logon message to say 'You've + been hacked!', made a fake account and gave it administrator privileges, + and, finally, uploaded copies of CAFBL's magazine. + + I was hoping that this hack would gain notoriety. After all, the hack + was perpetrated on the newspaper. You'd think they'd report on it. Well, + they didn't. Not at this time anyway. + + Afterwards, I went on vacation for a week and a half. Soon after I + returned home, on August 24th, school started. During my third hour class, + one of the assistant principals came and asked to talk to me. He told me to + get my backpack and come with him. In his office resided two men wearing + suits, and I was told they were detectives with the Rockford Police + Department. + + We left school and drove downtown to the police station. They asked + me repeatedly if I knew why they were talking to me. I told them no. I told + them that I had been with my friends at a city park the day before and some + of them had smoked pot. They laughed and told me that had nothing to do with + this. Computers never even crossed my mind. + + When we arrived at the Public Safety Building, as we were walking + inside I saw one of the detectives had a computer hard drive. This was the + first time I'd panicked - I thought they had raided my house and taken my + computer apart. They didn't tell me anything and just ushered me into a + small room, gave me a Coke, and told me to wait. I waited and hoped that my + dad didn't find out about this. The next thing I heard was my dad's voice + outside. + + After what seemed like an eternity one of the detectives came into + the little room and told me that my dad and a lawyer were here and that + things could go easily and I could talk to the police alone, or we could be + here for hours and I could talk with my lawyer. I chose the latter option. I + was questioned and answered most of their questions. It seemed like the + already knew most of what they were asking, anyway. (I later found out that + Entity had apparently told them everything when he was questioned). + Questions I avoided answering were those I knew to be federal crimes + (interstate phone fraud) and anything I simply didn't do. + + Questioning finally ended and I went home. The detectives had told me + not to tell anyone. The first person I told was Cstone. Cstone told Gnarf. I + thought about it some more and decided that we all _had_ to know so that we + could work together. I talked to Draugr and he told me that he and Entity + had already been questioned. Gnarf and Cstone soon followed, as did the + questioning of many of our acquaintances not involved in illegal activities. + + Nothing happened for more than three months. Gnarf, Draugr and I hung + out together a lot, and even wanted to see movie Hackers together, almost + hoping to be arrested at the screening. Just when I thought everything had + ended, we got a phone call. On December 4th, 1995 I was told to come + downtown so I could be arrested. + + Again, nothing happened, save for a week-long 'probe' article in the + Rockford Register Star. On January 19th, 1996, Gnarf and I were served with + subpoenas (Draugr, being 17 and charged as an adult, was given his court + date when arrested; Cstone and I had lost touch; Entity was not arrested). + We all went to court on the same day and plead not guilty. + + Ironically, I guess, a few months later we plea bargained. The + interesting thing about this was that the court system had presumed us + guilty before we had even plead either way. We all had to go in for a court + social hearing, to determine our family situation and whatnot. On the + written part the asked me what I thought of the process. I told them I + thought it was long, drawn out, and silly to encourage schooling and then + pull students out of school for court appearances. When I talked to my + social worker, she asked me how I got involved with hacking. I grinned slyly + and prefaced my remarks with, "Assuming I _was_ involved with hacking." + Somehow this, coupled with my parents reluctance to disclose such things as + their income, added up to a hostile opinion of the court. It was pretty + funny to read my social history. It went on for pages and pages talking + about how I was a Boy Scout, in Key Club, Amnesty International, Student + Council, was an honor roll student, etc, and then to have the court + recommend, among other things, a week-long stay in the county juvenile + detention center. + + The ordeal wasn't terribly exciting, although it was interesting how + excited people became when they found out that I _had_ been arrested. One + day I was into computers and no one cared, the next day I was the most + interesting guy in school. After pleading guilty, I was basically faced with + a year's probation and community service. Neither were terribly difficult to + complete. + + Now everything is done. Do I regret doing what I have done? Not + really. Do I regret getting caught? You bet. If you're interested in + hacking, I wholeheartedly recommend that you explore it, but get the + permission of the computer's owners first. + + For more information, visit http://www.dto.net/~neko/815bust/ + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #192 -- written by Neko -- 1/22/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0193.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0193.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cdf4e889 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0193.txt @@ -0,0 +1,50 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #193 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The Lady with Red Hair" << + by -> Aster + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + once apon a time there was a lady with the red hair. her hair was not + naturally red. she died it. why did she die it? cause her monsters and + goblins told her too. she liked her red hair. she thought it was cool. she + never wanted it too change. she never wore hats or scarvs or anything else + that would cover her red hair. when she went out, to the grocery or + something ppl stared at her because of her red hair. they thought it was + weird. she did not. she thought it was cool. but she was not very smart. one + day she noticed that her red hair was growing out. she started screaming and + ran around her apartment like a crazy person. the neibores called the ppl + with funny white coats, the ppl with funny white coats took her to a place + that was all white and had neat l;ittle rooms. she stayed in a little room. + she liked it there. she liked it most cause they redied her hair. one day + the front gate was open and she walked out. while she was in the neat place + with neat white rooms her hair had been cut short and died red. there were + not any mirrors there. so she did not know what she looked like. she only + knew that her hair was red because her monsters and gobins had told her so. + after she left the neat place with neat white rooms she went to a gas + station. she had been walking a long way and figured her car needed gas. + when was in the bathroom in the gas station she looked in ther mirror. as + soon as she saw hertself she started screaming at her monsters and goblins. + her hair was not red. it was blue. she did not like the color blue. she + liked the color red. but her hair was blue. not red. the manager of the gas + station called the men in funny white coats and they draged her kicking and + screaming at her monsters and goblins to the neat place with neat little + white rooms. when she saw that she stoped. she liked it here. she liked it + alot here. and all of a sudden her favorite color was blue. she didn't like + her monsters and goblins any more. so they went away. she died cause she + didn't have them. but her favorite color was still blue. and she still liked + the neat place with neat little white rooms. she also liked the men in + funny white coats. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #193 -- written by Aster -- 1/22/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0194.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0194.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..934ba948 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0194.txt @@ -0,0 +1,161 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #194 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "MatCat Goes Hacking" << + by -> Antihero + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + :/i matcat + + >>>> Ok, you've invited MatCat to join you. + + :/s + + Current visitors to CSI HOTELeconference : + ------------------------------------------ + + Hotel + 1. "Lobby" (Topic: This is the Lobby, the main room of the hotel.) + MatCat (you've invited them) + Daemon (away: ZZZZ... asleep 80:23) + Pyrex + Ilsundal + Belial + 5929. "Acidqueene's room" (Topic: fucking rain.) + Acidqueene + 8ball + 5520. Acidburn's room" (Topic: life is the crummiest book i ever read) + Acidburn + ------------------------------------------ + (users in dark rooms and the masquerade ball are not shown!) + + :/p matcat come here, i must speak with you. + + <<<< Paging MatCat >>>> + + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: yes? + + :/p matcat join me in my room. + + <<<< Paging MatCat >>>> + + >>>> MatCat has just entered from the down. Star Trek kicks BUTT! + + From Acidburn: hey. + From MatCat: what? + From Acidburn: the word on i.r.c. is that you're a hacker. is that true? + From MatCat: hmmm + From MatCat: mwhere da hell u here that? + From Acidburn: if so, i have a proposition for you. + From Acidburn: would you like to join "Children of the Cron"? + From MatCat: hmmm + From MatCat: if i knew what it wus ;) + From Acidburn: it's a very Elite hacking group. we're big all over the east + coast. + From MatCat: hmmmmmmmmmm + From Acidburn: it originally started from a couple of kids messing around. + From MatCat: who told u i wus a irc hacker? + From Acidburn: from what i've heard, you're _very_ qualified for the job, + would you like to join? + + >>>> MatCat is coughing nervously. + + From MatCat: tell me the benifits? + From Acidburn: it has many perks. + From Acidburn: warez, sites, cc #'s, barnyard pix, and many connections with + a lot of 2600 people. + From MatCat: who is saying what u hearD? + From MatCat: what if i am not a irc hacker? + From Acidburn: i cannot reveal the source. that's a another rule... you are + sworn to secrecy. if you get busted, you don't know who we + are... we are like shadows. + From Acidburn: so you may join, we mostly hack BIG places... such as nasa, + and schools, we go for numbers and we like lots of shell + accounts. + From Acidburn: we have many members working on diverters so we can get into + whitehouse.gov. + From MatCat: what if i am NOT a hacker + From MatCat: what if i dont know the first thing bout hacking + From Acidburn: i find that hard to believe, but you can still learn and join + From Acidburn: my source wouldn't lie to me, anyway. i know you know how to + hack. i can even see it from your handle. that's a hackin' + handle. + From MatCat: what if u are captureing everything i say an do + From Acidburn: listen, this isn't a joke. do you want the job or not?! + From Acidburn: the first meeting starts soon... but first i need you to show + me your skills. + From MatCat: i do not know how to hack, i know enuff computer science to + hack if i fooled around. + From Acidburn: it's a simple task. + From Acidburn: you wanna join? + From Acidburn: we mostly hack unix and solaris machines. + From Acidburn: also, you will get a lot of hardware out of the deal. + From MatCat: i never got caught doin computer crimes and dont plan on + getting caught for anything i may or maynot have done + From MatCat: the truth is i dont know howto hack + From Acidburn: i have just received a lineman's toolkit to for phreaking for + no charge. + From Acidburn: we are like shadows, you will learn to not get caught. + From MatCat: if i wanted to learn who would teachme? + From Acidburn: yes i will. + From MatCat: and how + From Acidburn: i just need you complete ONE small task to show me your + worthy of our trust. + From Acidburn: we have meetings. + + >>>> MatCat is sighing wistfully. + + From MatCat: what is this TASK + From Acidburn: the task: i need you to hack one system. + From MatCat: u hack? + From Acidburn: i do, very well. + From MatCat: gimmi a couple of unix handles that most lilkly are hackable + From MatCat: i program + From Acidburn: that's for you to find out... + From MatCat: i could make a prog that generates codes and sends them to + modem + From MatCat: but + From MatCat: i hav tried that before + From MatCat: and hardly much success + From Acidburn: do so and gimme proof you did it. + From MatCat: if i dont know howto hack how am i going to do the TASK + From MatCat: ans WHAT is this TASK + From Acidburn: make the program and do it.... + From MatCat: tell me the task first + From MatCat: this program is not easy + From Acidburn: you must hack a major system.... + From MatCat: what major system + From MatCat: if i dont know howto hack then how am i gonna hack?!?! + From Acidburn: it's your choice, then i'll can see what i can do. + From Acidburn: if you wanna join "Children of the Cron." + From Acidburn: then you must use some of your skillz to do it.,.. + From Acidburn: i can make the task simpler. + From MatCat: wtf if i dont have skillz + From Acidburn: ok, this is what yo do, you get me ONE credit card number or + conference code and your in, you have a deadline of tomorrow + at 12:00am, good luck. good luck, matcat. + From MatCat: well i am not going to continue this chat cause it is probly + sum camdon capture like thing ;) + From Acidburn: you will love to join. it will be worth your while. + From Acidburn: goodbye... and i will see you tomorrow at 12:00am -- no later + From Acidburn: tomorrow at 12:00. + From MatCat: 12:00am>?? + From Acidburn: i'll be waiting. + From MatCat: BUT TTHAats in1 hour??? + + : =- + + NO CARRIER + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #194 -- written by Antihero -- 1/22/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0195.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0195.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..76eb9405 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0195.txt @@ -0,0 +1,55 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #195 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The Netsplit Heard 'Round The World" << + by -> Kraftwerk + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Earlier today, it being the 20th of January, approximatly 4:15 + midwestern time, there was a gigantic net split. I was there first hand, + and I experienced many emotions in a period of several minutes. + + There we are, sitting in #dto on efnet, where all your favorite hoe + writers lounge, and suddenly pirch shuts down. The first emotion I + experience is bewilderment, as to why pirch went on the blitz. Next, I felt + massive amounts of sorrow, for I tried and tried to get back on, to no + avail. + + Finally, I connected, and cried out in terror, for there was noone + in #dto. Discovering this, I tried to join #teen, where there are _always_ + people. Theres noone there, and I became very very scared, because I + realized there had been a _gigantic_ netsplit. Then, realizing the extent + of the opportunities, I became increasingly evil by the second, since I + realized that I had op's in #teen. + + "This is awesome," I mumbled in awe to myself. I quickly join #unix, + #linux, and #aol, thinking that I had control of some of the busiest + channels. + + I felt evil, simply evil. + + A few minutes later, precisely 4:25, the channels flooded with + people. Working valiantly, I kick/banned dozens. But, as is the way of + things, stupid bots (unlike hooker) deopped me, and I felt hate for those + bots. + + I jump back to #dto, and babble about how I almost took over IRC. + + Talking to Swisspope, he remarked to me "It was the netsplit heard + 'round the world." + + Yes, it was a day full of emotion, hate, greed, joy, and sadness. + But, in the end, things returned to normal, and it was alright again. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #195 -- written by Kraftwerk -- 1/22/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0196.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0196.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0a8195c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0196.txt @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #196 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Marching Over Me" << + by -> Leprekon + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I was sitting on the train today and I looked up from my page and + suddenly I was falling.. I was torn from the world that I where life was a + thing of true beauty and joy, and when my feet landed, I coughed and winced + the pain. + + The life I was leading so enwraped in my book was heavenly.. a + mixture of futuristic hustle & bustle & love of life and others.. How + wonderful.. When the book was put down, I tried to pull back my tears, to no + avail.. the world that surrounded me was one that didn't care, didn't feel + and just plain didn't understand. Face after face looked up, and then + down.. the eyes cold and surrounded by cloaks of social facade. And then I + saw her.. wondering suddenly if she was real or if I was simply + hallucinating from want and need.. burning in my head.. she smiled and then + she saw me.. the smile was gone and she was staring intently.. curious.. her + head cocked.. and the eyes were warm, understanding .. finally I felt it.. + the love, and the pain was insignificant.. I didn't feel a thing. + + I was in a trance..the world that surrounded me in this speeding + capsule ment nothing as I was sure already that it was meaningless before + hand.. but now.. it simply wasn't there.. + + five minutes and the train came sliding to a halt at my station and + she got off. I lept to my feet, feeling no urgency to get to my + destination.. not even caring that this was my stop, but mearly trying to + follow her.. stay with her.. forever.. + + She disapeared and re-appeared in and out of the struggling crowds of + people marching endlessly toward their day-to-day, working slowly to + complete their life as the cloak displayed it. She would re-appear and our + eyes would meet then gone, and again. + + We entered a large tunnel.. nearly 600 metres in total.. a stretch + from the station to the main street of the city.. no corners.. no exits, but + for two.. the station.. and the street. + + I smiled inside and out.. I knew that this would give me the time I + need for the battle, the fight to keep up, and find her all over again. As I + walked through the tunnel I saw her again and again and for a time I really + appeared to be getting closer to her.. I could almost smell her scent, + comforting me as I paced and darted through streams of zombies that may as + well have been maniquins in my eyes. When, without warning, my surroundings + changed.. all the people once strolling through the tunnel looked up and + straight.. No longer looking down at their feet in some confused daze, or + possibly even the trust in the farmiliarity of it all, they looked now to be + focused on one central goal. I was so happy with the very concept that I + almost lost track of my goal, the girl, the eyes so warm now in my heart.. + but fading.. why? + + I remembered the train and my heart warmed once more and I searched + the tunnel for those farmilliar eyes.. the look of her, and her smell.. The + footsteps on the cold hard tiles of the tunnel were once very random and + chaotic as people went about their own target. their own goal, but now they + all seemed to fall in line.. uniform motion.. step.. step.. each one + drumming through my mind and echoing into the recesses of my conciousness, + hammering me down further down the spiral that I was in, losing her.. + forever. + + In the final steps toward the street I searched harder than I have + searched for anything in my life.. with more dedication and pasion .. but + she was gone.. and now there would be no way to get her back. The moment my + mind registered the loss she was gone completely.. I couldn't even remember + her face or those eyes, nor the scent that warmed me in the winter cold of + the tunnel. She was truely gone from my life all together. + + In an instant I blinked when the sound of the last marching step + echoed through my head. When I reopened my eyes, the army was gone, its task + completed, my deviance from the social path was averted, and I would once + more conform. I looked around and all I could see were the same chaotic mass + of people that were with me at the station. No army, no steps, no marching, + no eyes, no warmth .. and I fell to the ground in a crouch with my back + against the wall.. silently sobbing, I nodded.. "OK" I sobbed into nothing + at all.. "OK" .. and with that I stood up, wiping the tears from my eyes, + and steped on to the escalator that would take me to the street, and right + outside my college. Another day, all the same, temptation, loss. + + Society's army has no co-ordinating force, no government, no written + laws, but many rules. It would seem now that happiness is against the rules, + and when one tries to deviate from the path, the army steps in.. stepping + together and working together, without communication, to force you back onto + the path. This morning I learned the hard way, and tonight, upon my pillow.. + I will cry myself to sleep again. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #196 -- written by Leprekon -- 1/26/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0197.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0197.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5e7e5982 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0197.txt @@ -0,0 +1,52 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #197 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Bob and Suzy" << + by -> Aster + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + bob and suzy are monsters and goblins. bob is not a monsters or a + monster or a goblins or a goblin. suzy is not a monsters or a monster or a + goblins or a goblin. they are monsters and goblins. monsters and goblins + come from the land of monsters and goblins. monsters and goblins live very + long be our standards. bob and suzy are 134. but in their years they are + only 3. they are very wise. they know everything. they will allways know + everything. all monsters and goblins know everything. only silly people can + see them. they only let silly people see them because-well, beacuase- well, + they won't tell me why, but they only let silly people see them. they say + that silly people are speacial. some monsters and goblins, like bob and suzy + live with silly humans. but they will move out if the human ever loses their + silliness. bob and suzy say silliness is a good thing. that is why monsters + and goblins like silliness. because it is good. they won't tell me any more + than that. they say I do not need to know. young monsters and goblins, like + bob and suzy, like to be read to. so I read to bob and suzy all the time. + they come to schoool with me too. but they don't come in the car with me. + they float there. all monsters and goblins can float. bob and suzy once told + me that if I became silly enough, I too could float, but I do not know if + they were telling the truth. bob and suzys bed time is about 7 o'clock. they + do a lot for me. they do alot of my thinking. they say they should do this + because if I think too much I will lose my silliness. they do njot want me + to lose my silliness because they like me. they like me because I am silly. + they hope I will never become unsilly. I hope so too. bob and suzy are very + wise, they help me out alot. most monsters and goblins are, and do. I can't + go to the land of monsters and goblins because I am not silly enough yet. + but they say that one day, when I become sillier I will be able to go with + them to the land of monsters and goblins. I would like that. bob and suzy + want me to meet their brothers and sisters someday. bob and suzy look like + scribles. well not like scribles, but kind of. it is very hard to explain + what monsters and goblins look like. so I won't try. bob and suzy say the + land of monsters and goblins is very beautifull. bob and suzy are my + friends. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #197 -- written by Aster -- 1/26/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0198.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0198.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b3221765 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0198.txt @@ -0,0 +1,90 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #198 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "MatCat Gives Up" << + by -> Antihero + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + From MatCat: ...or all the countless other mean things u did say to me + From Anti-Hero: it was a joke, man, + From Anti-Hero: i'm sorry. + From Anti-Hero: can you just do me that favor and we will be cool forever? + From MatCat: i would do this favor but, i gave up hope + From Anti-Hero: how can you do that, just give up on me... :( + From MatCat: and when i give up hope it is gone for either ever or for a + very long time + From Anti-Hero: gee, thanks, dude. you're some "friend". + From MatCat (to you): no ur some frend , if u can even say that word!!! + + **** Thinker logged OFF! 156 lines in use. + + From Anti-Hero: i love you, matt. + From MatCat (to you): i tried to be nice, i tried thinking a couple times + u ment it but every time it wus a waste of time + From Anti-Hero: i _mean_ it, matt. + From Anti-Hero: i love you (as a friend), man. + From Anti-Hero: dude, you're awesome. + From MatCat: im sorry , i lost hope in you + + >>>> MatCat has just left the room. Watch Star Trek or die!!! + + :/i matcat + + >>>> Ok, you've invited MatCat to join you. + + : /p mat please done give up hope! please, man... you're a true friend, + man... + + <<<< Paging MatCat >>>> + + : /p matcat please? i love you. + + <<<< Paging MatCat >>>> + + : /p matcat i'm just going to kill myself if you don't talk to me. i have + this heroin needle right by my arm here. + + <<<< Paging MatCat >>>> + + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: i doubt u have enuff heroin + to kill urself + + : /p matcat wanna bet? i got about 4 grams in this one needle and i'm just + gunna do it all if you just don't talk to me anymore... + + **** Carbohydrates logged OFF! 155 lines in use. + + <<<< Paging MatCat >>>> + + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: hmm what will 4 grams do? + + : /p matcat it'll KILL me. you should only take about 1 gram a hit, you + know. + + <<<< Paging MatCat >>>> + + >>>> MatCat is paging you from HOTELeconference: well touf luck, its too + late now + + : /p matcat i love you, matcat. + + **** Acidqueene logged ON! 156 lines in use. + + <<<< Paging MatCat >>>> + + : /p matcat i love you. + + <<<< Paging MatCat >>>> + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #198 -- written by Antihero -- 1/26/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0199.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0199.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b21074f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0199.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1005 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #199 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "POETRY EXPLOSION!" << + by -> Various Artists + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + This issue is jam-packed full of good, bad, funny, pointless, + strange, and absolutely horrible verse... all for your reading pleasure! + Can *you* tell which is brilliant and which is completely stupid? + + We DARE you. + + This issue features h0etry from the following authors: + + abc, aster, captain bovine, girlie18, hrothgar, jane, jook, + jubjub, kaia, kraftwerk, kurdt, lumpy, melvin kumar, mogel, + mooer, moonbagel, murmur, muze, neko, nevin, ogre de latoya, + pezmonkey, quarex, sighrik, styx, swisspope, and trilobyte. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "The Evil Comes" + - by abc (aster's brother!) + + When the evil comes, + The good will run. + Far from home, + They are alone. + + They cross the great ocean far, + To find a route towards a small star. + A shark lays down its good life, + To take out the King of Good's wife. + + They land at the northern shore, + To find many tales of lore. + The first is of a great king, + The second telling of many things. + The Wind, The Water, The Fire, The earth, + And finally, above all, the tale of great birth. + + When the Evil first came, + The Good fled to a new claim. + They went west, then north, + Then landed till Evil came forth. + + They waited one generation, + Then the Evil started a new station. + There soldiers filled the distant land, + And the Good's journey began again. + + The Good will travel for many days, + Never stopping till the air grays. + When the reach that stingy place, + The Evil will kill them, leaving no trace. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "joe" + - by aster + + Hi my name is joe + I have no foe + so call me moe + I think I might + have an infected toe + and when they complain + about the rain + I just say so? + + and yet they're + still insane + or is it I + that needs a cane + to hold me up + from the pain + of that toe + or is it moe? + that drives me + mentally insane + + My head is big + (so's my toe) + I wish it would not grow + tied it with a big red bow + and wore some sandles + to let it show + and I decided to walk + down the lane + in the rain + and drives me + mentally insane + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "4 those who'll never know" + - by girlie18 + + WHO CAN TELL ME HOW TO FEEL + WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT TO SEE + THOSE WHO TRY + TRY IN VAIN + FOR THE ONLY EYES THAT + TOUCH MY SOUL + ARE CLOSED TO HIDE THE PAIN + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "some things i'll never understand" + - by girlie18 + + i'm easily confused + by human emotion + its complex thoughts + so much commotion + just for once + i'd want to know + why i feel + so damn low + so someone teach me + to get away + have some fun + seize the day + lose my thoughts + find myself + exit from + this private hell + forget about the days gone by + only know... + don't ask why + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "Save Me" + - by Hrothgar + + Save me + From myself + Take the knife + And take the gun + Turn around, and run + Because if you come back. + Who knows I might yack + If you don't take the knife and run. + + There, I just wrote a poem for you, Mogel. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "A Poem" + - by Jane (head editor of the e'zine "Seductive Monkey Poses" [SMP]) + + when we live in a world + where suicide is handed to us + and love is so imposible to many + death is also welcomed + when power is craved + because we think it will take us + places the man standing behing you + has never gone. + no one cares if they love + before they die. + death is also welcomed in a world + like this. + when technology is the key + to the future + that is so much worse than the past + in a world like this, + living is considered dying. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "grrl = green pees" + - by jook + + i werk all day on eyearecee + to get de best warez + so i can get my girl real nice green pees + + green pees, green pees + i hear the horns + i must be in vegas + + counting cards + is it legal? + just as long as i can get my girl real nice green pees + + i hear the rattle + i must be back in 'nam + they didn't give us pees in nam, not green or even blue + + but once i got back from 'nam + i ate pees + so did my girl, she ate real nice green pees + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "i gotta go" + - by jubjub + + fish like to say glubglub + fish are squishy in my pants + they make me want to dance + my schoolmate patrick has a big butt + when i play miniature golf i like to putt + time for a liverwurst sandwich + hillary clinton sure is a bitch (not really) + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "Varmints" + - by Kaia + + Nuggy's daily life revolves round sippin' fruit tea + and weasel huntin', two pastimes common to the hooligans in town. + Cause down by the Heaven candy factory on Main, + the brewin' comp'ny offers eighty-three cent per weasel head + All in (secret) + One rumor is that the beer company uses weasel in its special brew. + I also heard the gestapo might be payin' off the beer factory to + help cut down on, you know, the town's bad rap for Dugster and + his geetars that use weasel guts for strings. But it's like, + What come first, the geetar or the egg? + + And so on Mondays we take our sacks of varmints and + gather round the big door and pass 'em + one-by-one through the letter-slot, + and they send back the dough through the same hole, + no questions ask. + Then we hop over to Mungo's to pick up his candy, so + by the time we hit Heaven, man, it's like, + we livin' in Wonka-land, close your eyes and all + the girls and the Ooompaloompas be dancin'! + + One day we decide to play a little joke and + after passin' all the weasel through the hole we + stick a fucking neon light-stick through and + follow it wit' some Cheese Whiz and there's no reaction. + So we take turns takin' a piss through the door and + Harvey can force himself to puke so he did that + and the smell was so bad that + three more of us puked through the door + and then Crisco stuffed in pictures of + his ex-girlfriend who broke all ten commandments at once + and then + we + stopped + and ran for dear life. + + We ran to Mungo's and + he gave us the candy and + we continued running and + we were running into lightpoles and + running on top of each others' tails and + the weasels were on our tails and + we became weasels and + it began raining raisins and + books became crooks and the suns became guns and i felt myself being shot + and scooped up and dead and shoved through a hole crusted with fur and + piss and vomit and ex-girlfriends' snatches and then i felt my head being + liquefied and my brains were poured into a brown glass bottle and shipped + to New Jersey, where all the wild zings are. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "Ode to Hooker" + - by Kraftwerk + + Oh hooker, H is for the happiness you bring us. + + Oh hooker, O is for the obfuscation that you cause us. + + Oh hooker, O is for the op's that you give us. + + Oh hooker, K is for the k-rad way in which you give us your love. + + Oh hooker, E is for the endearment that you have in our hearts. + + Oh hooker, R is for the rainy days that you make brighter. + + Oh hooker, you have a special place in our hearts. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "an aardvark meets the pope" + - by kraftwerk + + the aardvark crawled slowly through the night + and the people, they were absorbed with fright + + it waddled over to the giraffe + and it asked "can I stick this in your ass" + + not waiting for an answer + the aardvark started to prancer + + it shoved a stick up it's butt + and calmly said, "now I go to put" + + so the aardvark went to the green + where it was waiting to be seen + + it took up a putter + and put on a crupper + + being so lazy, it sat on the grass + he heard the bell toll "it was time for mass" + + he sat on the pew + drinking his Dew + + along came the pope, + with some soap on a rope + + he went up to the cross + and bellowed that god was 'boss' + + the service was done + and the aardvark was dumb + + for the giraffe came and found him + and pulled the stick out of his ass + + he danced a quick jig + and ate a big fig + + it stepped on the aardvark + said something like "fart fart" + + and sat down for a nap. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "mockery" + - by kurdt + + i don't wonder why anyone makes fun of what goes on here, + but i've got the common sense to not even waste my time, + making fun of what goes on here + + *in fact* + + i wouldn't waste my time making fun of you, + for making fun of what goes on here. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "Ode to Shadow Tao" + - by lumpy + + When you kick me out of your internet relay chat channel, + And im forced to come back from a different hostname, + and ask you why youre such an angry little man, + you always get fed up and start cursing... + and it makes me wonder if when you were a little boy, + kids would poke fun at you and make you cry, + because mister tao, when you kick me off of irc, + i no longer feel like the irc warrior ive always + aspired to be. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "Very Painful" + - by Melvin Kumar (this little gem was discovered by mooer!) + + Acting strange, + thats what i am, + when i am with you, + I want you, + I need you, + I can't show it to you, + I yearn for you, + I say i want to kiss you + we both laugh and tease + but my heart yearns for that kiss... + those sweet lips... + I feel so happy when you're near me.... + I act so diffrent..I feel so differnt... + I need you but I can't have you... + If i had a last dance with you.... + I won't....I won't..... + It hurts.... + ti kills.... + to remember the last moments... + I know... + I've being there... + Do you know.... + I'm dying for you.... + If only you know... + Actor as I am... + Nights pass by... + but never a day.. + without me thinking of you.. + Why? + You're unreachable... + I know then... + I know now... + I love You. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "my baby's got sauce" + - by mooer (dedicated to eerie!) + + when you put your feet in my mouth up on the desk + the urgency of cezanne's angst eats fibers out of the air + what, pray tell has bulbous tumors of rot have + in store for me to buy like a gunshot to the head with a baby flashlight + + and so, you say that you have millions of years to hear my story + well, babydoll, you ain't got that funk up your arm + chills, short sleeves can't hide shit + + the papal turbine of hate churns out smooth butter + to grease you up and slide you out like + sugar on the cupcake + + and that is why the dryer is a wetter. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "i think i lost steam on the second one" + - by mooer (dedicated to two stuffed bunnies!) + + tears of anger hunger like the desert cactus on a camel + your kantian disinterest makes my smile melt + falling into the robust yogurt culture of the tribe + + trivialize my hurt, laugh at my pain, you asshole + you might as well rip my right tentacle into two parts + of the play i call the act of my life + + bite the fuzzy wavelength that makes the bored spin around in + a violent circle the blood swirls. shallow + pirates make way in the deep waters of my caribbean soul. + + nevertheless, your birthday does not excuse the rubber + on your head. quit bouncing. + fornicate in the crib, it's the + shit. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "My Third Grade Genius" + - by MoonBagel + + There once was a bird named Fred + He fell out of his nest on his head + He was severely brain damaged + He had to be bandaged + That stupid old bird named Fred + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "Don't Eat The Paste" + - The Original + - by Captain Bovine + + i changed me web page + but then I was awoken by VERY LOUD METALICA + i think my sister did it + silly girls + + I can rhyme + even though it's kinda wacked because I forgot to change some small things + 'mono' in Spanish means 'cute' and 'monkey' + Kierkegaard was Danish + naughty + + i'm the only one who finds me funny + they used to make me feel stupid, but they don't anymore + sex does that to people + it's hard to do + + we should talk about cute things and monkeys + we'll start when I think of something good to say + it's hard to do + I can speak crap better than I can type crap + + you are so silly. mean and silly. + ooh, maybe I get to watch you crash + reboot!! + you're good for other things + pOOp + and cookies + and a keyboard condom + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "Don't Eat The Paste" + - The "Don't Cut with Scissors, Mooniegirlwhoiscool?" Remix + - by MoonBagel + + we'll start when I think of something good to say + + no.. i'd use protection + silly girls + + I can rhyme + i don't know who to put that I love, katie. + i changed me web page + i think my sister did it + i'm the only one who finds me funny + I can speak crap better than I can type crap + + 'mono' in Spanish means 'cute' and 'monkey' + and a keyboard condom + because I really shouldn't attempt to draw a monkey + we should talk about cute things and monkeys + + ooh, maybe I get to watch you crash + + Kierkegaard was Danish + sex does that to people + and cookies + even though it's kinda wacked because I forgot to change some small things + it's hard to do + + naughty + + it's a funny word + + but then I was awoken by VERY LOUD METALICA + + Drew's not on? + + they used to make me feel stupid, but they don't anymore + you're good for other things + you are so silly. mean and silly. + + reboot!! + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "Don't Eat The Paste" + - The "Samsara Maybe Never" Remix + - by Mogel + + naughty naughty naughty + they used to make me feel + because i really shouldn't + when i think of something good. + ooh, maybe i get to watch you + watch you + it's hard to do + i forgot to change. + + sex does that to people. silly girls. + + i can rhyme, + it's kinda wacked. + I was awoken by VERY LOUD METALICA and cookies, + it's a funny word... + + you are so _silly_. mean and silly. + the only one who finds me funny. + + ooh, maybe I get to watch you + I get to watch you + I get to watch + maybe I get to watch you + maybe I get to watch + get to watch you + maybe I get to watch you + + ...crash. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "Don't Eat The Paste" + - The "Wanna Go Home Bad" Remix + - by Nevin, a 8-year-old boy that Mogel's parents are babysitting right now. + + Kierkegaard pOOp sex Kierkegaard + when I think of Kierkegaard pOOp sex Kierkegaard maybe I can rhyme + but it's hard to do + anyway you're good for other things anyway + + Kierkegaard + we'll start when I think silly girls shouldn't attempt to draw silly girls + + I love Spanish sisters who finds me funny and 'cute' + because I can speak crap better, + even though it's kinda wacked + no.. i'd use me web page when I think of something good to say. + I can type crap. + + katie and Drew: make naughty cookies and reboot!! + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "may ye all be leahy" + - by murmur (a villanelle, even) + + i do not have to heed the words you preach + but i will not deny your right to say + you best not try to regulate my speech + + you try to educate; you try to teach + but exon, d - nebraska, joined the fray + we do not have to heed the words they preach + + to jail me for the files that i leech + is just your quest; my rights to rest you lay + you should not try to regulate my speech + + we can not see the wit of chong and cheech? + we can not hear the streat-smart speak of dre? + why should we aim to heed the words you preach? + + i can not send the lyrics file for _bleach_ + the sys admin will not allow today + why do they try to regulate our speech? + + our rights as citizens you choose to breach + closed-mindedness is forcing us to pay + but i won't heed the words the law does preach + oh no, you will not regulate my speech. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "buenos sartenes" + - by murmur + + !cuando te veo ( when i see you + no puedo hablar, pero i can not speak, but + deseo que poder! i wish that i could! ) + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "I Confess" + - by Muze + + I confess to being a girl + for being so stupid + for not doing as I should + I confess to not thinking of you + for changing my mind + for saying I'm sorry + I confess to falling in love + for needing you here + for not letting you go + I confess to struggling for my best effort + for it not being enough for you + for giving up on myself. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "God's Pee" + - by Neko + + Kickin' it old school + In a swimming pool + Bust a fucking jam + Make all the punk ass suckers drool + Like back in the day + When Naughty by Nature sang + Hip hop hurray + Looking for porn + at 3 in the morn + Tugging and jerking + Eating some gherkins + that I bought at the store + from my bitch, she's a whore + Surfing on the net + My pants is all wet + And this rap is boring + And the rain is pouring + Down on me + Yo, is rain really God's pee? + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "Ogre's Brain" + - by Ogre De Latoya + + #include + + void main (void) + { + int food; + int sleep; + int fun; + long sight; + long sound; + long touch; + long taste; + + while (!dead) { + if (food < HUNGRY) + getfood(&food); + + if (sleep < SLEEPY) + getsleep(&sleep); + + if (fun < BOREDOM) + getfun(&fun); + + sight = checkvision(); + + if (sight == SUCKS) + printf("That sucks.\n"); + else + printf("That rocks.\n"); + + sound = checkhearing(); + + if (sound == SUCKS) + printf("This sucks, change it.\n"); + else + printf("This rocks.\n"); + + taste = checktongue(); + + if (taste == SUCKS) { + spitout(food); + printf("Eeew\n"); + } else { + swallow(food); + printf("Werd\n"); + } + } + } + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "my uncle" + - by pezmonkey + + it's all about sex + says my uncle + because he likes sheep + a lot. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "HAIKUS THAT QUAREX WROTE IN 3RD GRADE" + - by Quarex + + The Fluffy Puppy + Smashes Hard into a Tree + Hee Hee Hee, it's Dead + + The Big Snowball Fight + The Weak Guys are Getting Slammed + People are Dying + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "Accidental Merge" + by Quarex + + Eggrolls and Broomsticks and Forebones on Narwhals + Reload that shotgun and pick up those snowballs + This is the future of combat + This is the third bloated wombat + Drop a lemur + Break your femur + Shattering bones is my cup of tea. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "a light in the darkness" + - by sighrik + + waves of electrons, waves of emotion + irc is an island and i am a boat-- + + sinking + + water flooding in flooding flooding + sinking flooding flooding sinking + + dying + + and then there's a beacon like another + boat--not sinking--floating--coming + + saving + + a voice in the waste coming clearly + "hi i'm a bot. god invited me here." + + salvation + + like jesus christ out of the ocean + the bot that likes you was there + + noppa + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "open wide" + - by styx + + you little shit + your words are like precum + slow and incomplete + and ineffective + i look forward to you + bleeding on my dick when i + introduce it to your + colon + it will be fast and complete + and effective + and will make you walk like a + retarded little duckling + and all the boys in school will + ask you why you are + walking like that + and you will have to say + that you fell off your bike + or something + funny like that you + little shit + you can never own up + to anything not even + justice + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "My First Sexual Encounter" + - by Swiss Pope + + The study session for math was coming to a close, + I packed up my books and from my chair I rose. + Pushing back my glasses, I spot something from the corner of my eye, + What's this?!, me thinks, it's a bonnie lass that I spy! + + Mustering up my courage, I approach the desk where she sits, + "Would you like a ride home?" I stutter in my nervousness. + She looks up at me with her big brown eyes, + "Hmm.. Allright" she says with a sigh. + + Leading her through the door, we trudge to my car. + With a wink, I assure her that my Camaro is not far. + Her eyes light up and she pulls to me closer. + "I really admire a man whose car is something to show for." + + She hops into the backseat and caresses the leather interior. + Shifting into first gear, I demonstrate that the acceleration's superior. + Faster! she squeals as I cruise down the street, + When the speedometer hit 70 I knew I was in for a treat. + + I felt her hands as she ran them through my hair, + Then she unbuttoned her blouse and revealed her nice pair. + "Damn! This chick's titties are fine!" I think, keeping my cool. + The car sped up even faster as we listened to Tool. + This was a dream of a lifetime for me, the 300-lb fat guy loner, + There was a hot chick on my lap, stroking my boner! + She looked into my eyes; lustfully licked her lips + I smoothly slid my hands on her curveaceous hips. + + She softly whispered something into my ear, + Unfortunately, the music was too loud for me to hear. + Nonetheless, I knew it was something good + So I slipped my hand down her pants and touched her clitoral hood. + + She kept rubbing my dick-- my nut was gonna bust! + That would surely be the end of this evening of lust! + I took a quick right turn; pulled into a gas station nearby, + For I knew that the herb Ginseng would be found inside. + + "Wait here!" I said as I zipped up my pants, + I ran into the store after giving her one last glance. + Through the aisles I frenzied, anxiously looking for the magical root + That would guarantee at least one more hour until my sperm would shoot. + + When out in the parking lot I heard a deafening roar + That bitch peeled out in my red sports car! + I ran outside and chased her for a couple of yards, + But I knew that all was lost. I was such a tard. + + A wino approached me and laughed. As if my ordeal was funny! + Like a philosopher he said, "Life ain't nuttin but bitchez 'n money." + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "god's green platter" + - by trilobyte + + eat your coffeecake, wafers and wine + as insects hide between the lines. + long since dead, but corpses remain -- + reminders of ancient social strain. + + take from the plate what is given to you + ignore what the world has been trying to prove + stray from the flock but in a minute or two + you'll promptly be shoved back into the groove. + + so dish out shit for whom you serve. + drink your coffee and spread your word. + but be aware that some observe + your food still reeks of age-old turd. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "peace & happy" + - by trilobyte + + another cuddly judge makes life miserable + for a scraggly, prickly individual + who was trying for peace & happy. + + supreme powers metamorph to belittle + with the backing of the pope and the law. + it's the end of justice, end of happy for us all! + + time to run from the mystic + for he's the one with the not-dead goo, + blasphemic divine intentions, + stinky foul breath from ages of spewing + poisonous elastic jargon. + + walk in the park and + endlessly changing directions -- + right, wrong, left, north -- + with the compass of a corpse + -- and the morals of a convict + and friends follow closely behind! + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "punishment to the wine drinkers" + - by trilobyte + + still open to suggestions? + it's time to change your mind. + + from one percent to two percent + you're lurking in the rain + with parachutes and combat boots + you microwave my shame. + + for seven years i've left the corn + to rot out in the dew; + but still i don't kill chickens + when they doodoo in my shoe. + + come in, the part that doesn't rhyme + to fill some empty space. + the reader of this horrid poem + should now prepare their mace! + + iggly gobbly goo, + juniper grows with the yew. + trees have lots of leaves to keep + some shade for my old jew. + + because + + how once you ate my dignity + the gull will never know. + + but he will get real fidgety + if frozen in the snow! + + nonsense is but glue to me + (your shoe has come untied) + so i plead for my lobotomy + to end this crazy ride. + + hide! + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + - "stove top" + - by trilobyte + + this is entitled "stove top." minimalist version + + put your chicken on the pan chicken on the pan + with some stove top stuffin'. stove top stuffing + runnin from the law with running from the law + your easy-bake oven. easy bake oven + i don't understand who who, what, where + could beat you like a muffin' beat up muffin + when all you're tryin' to do you do + is to spread a little lovin'. spread love. + + my friends 'n me been tryin' we try hard + to get you out free to play + but our dice-throwin' skills monopoly + ain't what they used to be but we suck + so skedaddle over here so come here + and slop up some grease help us + cuz livin' ain't easy when we're dying + you're dealin' with POLICE. of death. + + hey dj, cut the bass. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #199 -- written by Various Artists -- 1/26/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0200.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0200.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..417916f0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0200.txt @@ -0,0 +1,697 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #200! + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Hubris" << + by -> Various Artists + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "Introduction Thing" + by - Mogel + + I generally hate self-involved, analytical editorials in text + files, thanking everyone for their support and talking a lot about + themselves and blah blah -- who cares? The truth of the matter is I'm going + to do it anyway. Why? Because I like to hurt myself. It's very 90's. + + h0e in its present incarnation is a wonderful revival of something + that should never have been revived -- dumb text files. But we're Better + than that, because we're well aware of the stereotype. In fact, we bask in + the stereotype, displaying our exposed silliness for the whole world to see! + Yeah! + + As many of you know, I actually ended h0e back in the early summer + of 1995 at issue #90. About a month later, Pip the Angry Youth released h0e + #91 just to piss me off. Little bugger. Well over a year later, Metalchick + submitted (as a joke) a text file for the e'zine DTO for the purpose of + getting "ops" on the IRC channel #dto. Instead, I invited her to be the new + president of h0e, and she gleefully accepted. + + It was history. + + She released another 7 issues over the course of a few months, and + then retired the position of President of h0e so that she could hang out in + New Jersey. We'll never quite understand this. + + At any rate, I decided that h0e would be a nice place to release + funny-but-not-publishable DTO reject files for the first 30 or so issues. + That was to be its purpose, at first, except then people actually started + writing and caring specifically about the e'zine h0e. This amount of people + might be about 3 or 4, I lost count. But the fact remains, it's funny as + hell to release this stuff, so I really don't care if no one in their right + mind would ever read it. + + The NEW h0e is genius. Pure and simple. Expect another 200 issues + coming your way... and at the current rate of release, this could happen in + a few weeks. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The Official Staff of h0e e'zine + -------------------------------- + + President -- Mogel + Vice-President -- Styx + Spokesman -- Jubjub + Treasurer -- Murmur + Secretary -- Ilsundal + Translator -- PezMonkey + Director of Big, Warm, SQUISHY Hugs -- MoonBagel + Director of Pure Hatred -- Quarex + Director of Monsters and Goblins -- Aster + Official Sex Ring Coordinator -- Kraftwerk + Foreign Relations Correspondant -- Swisspope + Head of the Board of Trustees -- Metal Chick + Official h0e Mascot -- (???) c0uld be y0u!#@# + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + MISCELANEOUS ASCII ART + ---------------------- + + >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> + + "L. Ron Hubbard, Philosopher" + by - Mogel + + ____________________________________________________________________________ + | | | | + | "SUP!!!!!!" | "IZ LYK WTF?" | ' "Help! I'm | + | ..... | | | -\\\ ` ### ,///- Exploding | + | \|||||/ | ' | \=\\ (X.X) ////=/ ` into a | + | /._ _.\ | !!! | =\=\\`O'\/////=/=/ giant mass | + | | <# #> | | (#.#) | =\=\==(~~)=/=/=/= ' of | + | \ ^ /\ | `o'\\ | =\==\=\=| |==/===/=== horseshit | + | `(_)'\``\ | \>--(O)-- ,' `._ | _/{o}\_ | ' `/ `\\\--\//--= explainable | + | || ( /^\ ) | mm/ \mm | reason!!" | + |_____\\___|_|_._|_|_|_______________|_____________________________________| + + >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> + + "Comrade-comrade Mister Martini" + by -- kaia + + * * + * no. * o o O o o + ^. * O MARTINI. WANT TO DANCE? O + \\ Y. / O o O o o o O O + \\+*_*+ / o _____ + \\_ _/ _() (((((((((((((((((( x_x ))))))))))))))))))) + | | _O 9 (((((((((((((((((( ` O ' )))))))))))))))))) + o| |o ^^^^ (((((((( ((((( (( ( ) )) ))))) )))))))) + O--- _ ---O (((((((( ((((( (( ( - ) )) ))))) )))))))) + ----- (((((((( (((( ( # ) )))) )))))))) + {\{\{\{\{\{\{ | }/}/}/}/}/}/ + we'll skank to anything#$@ ___\\ _|__ _//___ + ======== ========= + + >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> + + Swiss Pope Presents... + + What Would Happen if MTV's 12 Angry Viewers + Acted like Indie Rock Elitist Music Critics + + ______________________________________________________________________ + | | | + | so guys, what do you think of poop daddy's new song | | + | "jiggin it up '98" | | + | | | + |-----------------------------------------------------' ... | + | | ////\ | + | (|||) | it's fucking //// \\ | + | ( ) clearly this video | ridiculous!@# the last /// \\ | + | ( . . ) punctuates the reckless | poop daddy 7" was on <.o o.> | + | ( > ) yet carefree attitude | slut ho records in which `. , .' | + | ( _ ) / of the urban gangsta | the production value | o | | + | \_/ ' machismo simply stated | made it _marginally_ , \_/ | + | ., ,. as 'jiggin it up', | listenable, at best. \ .|. | + | .| |. perculating . . . | / \ | + | / | | \ | || || | + |___________________________________|__________________________________| + | | ___ | + | (|||) | .#####. | + | ( ) ahem. the last 7" was | hmm. well _i_ thought ## ## | + | ( . . ) not on slut ho, it was | that song sounded # # | + | ( > ) on ghetto blaster, and | pretty cool. | o o | | + | ( o ) ,/ i might add that m.c. | | . | | + | \_/ crackmastah did a | \ | | | + | ., ,. superb job mixing. | . \ - / | + | .| |. | (_) | + | / | | \ | __| |__ | + |___________________________________|_________________________/_______\| + | | + | | + | ( he ) ___ | + | ( obviously ) ... .#####. | + | (|||) ( has no idea ) ////\ ## ## | + | ( ) o ( what he's ) o //// \\ # # | + | ( > > ) o ( talking ) o <.p p.> | o o | | + | ( > ) ( about ) `. , .' | . | | + | ( _ ) | o | | | | + | \_/ \_/ \ - / | + | ., ,. .|. (_) | + | .| |. / \ . __| |__ . | + | / | | \ || || \ / \ / | + |______________________________________________________________________| + + >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> + + "this really, really isn't funny" + by - whoops + + __________________________________________________________ + | | | + | mmmm | mmmm / | + | -- | oo| | -- |>)@| - | + |---- >O | > | | --- >O| > | \ | + | -- |_\/| | -- |_0_| | + | _|_ | _|_ | + | __________ / \ | / \ | + |__/Hey Mr! \ \_\\_\ | \_\\_\ | + | \Watch Out! | | || | | || | + | \_________/ | || | | || | + | |_|| | |_|| | + | LL | LL | + |____________________________|_____________________________| + | | | + | mmmm | _____ mmmm | + | ______ | o-| | /'Tis \ | oo| | + | / | | > | | | only a \ | > | | + |___/ Gosh! | |_o_| | | fish >|_O_| | + | \ I'm | _|_ | | wound.../ _|_ | + | \sorry!| / \ | \_______/ / \ | + | \____| \_\\_\ | \_\\_\ | + | | || | | || | + | | || | | || | + | |_|| | |_|| | + | >O LL | >O LL | + |____________________________|_____________________________| + + >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> + + "I Stayed Home From School Today..." + by Captain Bovine + + .----------------------.--------------------.------------------. + | | .^--^. i'm a | .oO. | + | (__) | | oo | bear | | < | + | \-----|..| i'm a | .-\../-. | __\/__ | + | ||--||`..' cow | || || | || | + | || || | || || | || | + | | |....| | ^^ | + +----------------------+--------------------+------------------+ + | .^--^. .Ox. | | + | (__) | oo | | < | (__) | + | \-----|..| .-\../-. __\/__ | \-----|..| | + | ||--||`..' || || || | ||--||`..' | + | || || || || || | || || god | + | |....| ^^ | dammit | + +----------------------+--------------------+------------------+ + | | .^--^. ducks | .Oo. | + | (__) the duck | | oo | shouldn't| quaaaack > | | + | \-----|..| is stoned | .-\../-. do drugs| __\/__ | + | ||--||`..' again | || || | || | + | || || | || || | || | + | | |....| | ^^ | + +----------------------+--------------------+------------------' +~~ + .-----------------------------------.----------------------------. + | | | + | I just found out | | + | .@@@@@. that if you add | .@@@@@. | + | | o o | 75 to the ascii | | o - | This is the | + | | _'_ | --- equivalent of | | _'_ | --- happiest day| + | `-----' each letter in my | `-----' of my life. | + |.-------------. name, it makes a |.-------------. | + || | really cool || | | + || | | | symbol!!!!!!!! || | | | | + || | | | || | | | | + ||..|.......|..| ||..|.......|..| | + `-----------------------------------'----------------------------' +~~ + .---------------------.---------------------.--------------------. + | O hey ascii O | O what are O | O O | + | -|- man!! |\| -|- you doing?! |\| -|- |\| + | | | | | | | | | | + | / \ --' | / \ --' | / \ --' | + +---------------------+---------------------+--------------------+ + | O O | O why won't O | O i hate O | + | -|- |\| -|- you answer |\| -|- you!!! |\| + | | | | | me!?! | | | | | + | / \ --' | / \ --' | / \ --' | + +---------------------+---------------------+--------------------+ + | O you O | O O that's right! | + | -|- fucking |\| -|- !?@#! |\ i am! | + | | asshole! | | | |.--.O | + | / \ --' | / \ --') | | + `---------------------+------------------------------------------' + [oh come on.. like it's never happened to you before - CptB] + + +~~ + + Which of these would you eat? + + (__) <-- unprocessed steak + \-----|oo| + ||--||`..' @ + || || |' <-- flower + +~~ + .-------------------.-------------------. + | | | + | (__) | (__) damn | + | \-----|**| | \-----|**| right | + | ||--||`..' @ | ||--||`..' i'm mad| + | || || |' | || || | + | | | + `-------------------`-------------------' + + >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> + + an ascii depiction of my hard cock + being pressed with such strain against + a tight pussy that it's bending in the center + and my hairless balls have goosebumps + + - styx + + + + / / \ \ + / \ + / \ + / \ + / \ + / \ + / \ + / \ + ( ) + \ / + \ / + \ / + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | / + / / + / / + / / + / / + \ \ + \ \ + \ \ + \ \ + \ \ + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + ........... | | ........... + . . | | . . + . .| |. . + . . . . + . . . . + . . . . + . . . . + + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "The Story Jammy Thing" + + + I'd just like to mention that this story is quite possibly one of + the most absolutely pointless things h0e has done. And that's saying a lot. + + -- Mogel + + -------------- + + [Quarex] + + "Strike a pose!", screamed Joe, slicing his razor-sharp blade again + and again through the loaf of sourdough. Having carved himself a few very + choice slices, his task was nearly complete. Only one thing remained: the + fillings. Joe carefully extracted his third and fourth molar from each side + of his mouth, placing them inside the bready vault. "I hope you have better + luck than I shall," Joe said at length. + + [MoonBagel] + + ...and the glowing, sparkly, glorious magic that was Joe's Sandwich + burst forth into the universe, tickling the moon, licking the stars, and + doing terribly naughty things to pets all over. Dachsunds and Cairn + Terriers and various kitty cats and terrapins and lampreys and little + froggies all over Nebraska made a nasty-mad dash in Joe's general direction, + to see if they could find out just what was going on. They did not like + this naughtiness, though they now found themselves inexplicably fond of + sourdough. The supply of dough in the midwest went fresh, and pets + everywhere revolted. Joe sat back in his plastic butt-sticking chaise + lounge, and pondering the craziness that was ensuing. + + [PezMonkey] + + And as he pondered such craziness, he ate his Sandwich, slowly and + skillfully. Sandwich eating, like, sandwich making, was, after all, an art. + He was reveling in the wonderous pleasures of the bread when who should + happen upon him but God (wearing green, because God, obviously, is fond of + green). God demanded, "Joe, you pose striker, you, why have you only made a + sandwich for yourself and not for me, master of the universe!?" Joe tried + to think of how to respond to such a question from God, but all he could + think was, "Isn't He-man master of the universe?" + + [Skinhorse] + + Joe had always been one to say the first thing that popped into his + head before actually thinking about the potential implications, although it + wouldn't have mattered much, given that God in the Western sense is an + omnipotent being who can read human's minds and who gets a big fucking + hard-on by putting his children in situations where he can find an excuse to + kick the all-powerful shit out of them, and this story will presumably be + read by someone with a traditional sense of the WESTERN GOD, thus, altering + the Big Guy's image significantly would really fuck with the reader in ways + that would not be as self-consciously coy or pseudo-humorous as this load of + mad-libs tripe. Joe's absent-minded recall of 30-minute infomercials for + Mattel toys of the early 80's had given our Lord the opportunity to "incur + his wrath." With a shower of sparks and flames, Joe found himself in the + company of a young girl. "Who are you?" he wondered aloud as God put on one + of those really threatening Vincent Price-style laughs like you might expect + in Michael Jackson's _Thriller._ "I'm Aster," responded the prepubescent, + to which she added, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa + aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa + aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa + aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa + aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa + aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa + aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah." + + [Swiss Pope] + + This was the scream that was heard around the world. Millions felt + the audio assault of the Aster's siren song, which led to famine in + Antarctica, and forest fires in the Sahara desert. But the worst victim of + this scream was our beloved hero Joe, who promptly shit his pants. Aster + cackled with glee upon whiffing the aromatic aroma of Joe's poopy poo. She + blew upon her poophorn, which existed for this very purpose: to summon a + creature more vile than ever imagined by a human being. + + [Art] + + Joe cringed in terror, for the monster Aster had summoned was none + other than the ghost of DIANA, PRINCESS OF WALES. With a furious snarl, + Di leaped for Joe's throat! Bellowing out an inarticulate scream of terror, + Joe slapped the com-link on his breast and yelled "Bridge, beam me up$#!" + With a blinding flash of light, our sandwich making hero flashes heavenward, + narrowly escaping certain doom. + + [JubJub] + + Joe is beamed up to the bridge of the Star Trek enterprise, where + there is an orgy in progress. "ahh.. excuse me," Joe says as he makes an + escape from the atroscious scene. Wharf naked is not a pretty site. He + took a walk to the holodeck where he started to program in a fun adventure. + He pondered his annoyance at mogel for always pressuring him to write bad + stories against his will... + + + [Captain Bovine] + + The stories would have to wait, however, for now it was time for fun! + Stepping through the holodeck doors, Joe could hardly contain himself; this + program would be the best program yet! As the doors closed behind him, Joe + began to suspect something was terribly wrong. Instead of finding himself + in a scantily-clad amazon paradise full of buxom scantily-clad midgets, Joe + found himself in an episode of Three's Company. He frantically searched + through his purse to find the remote control that would take him away from + it all. As he hit the Channel Up button, Joe had the sinking suspicion that + *someone* had sabotaged his program... + + [Kaia] + + So as he moussed his hair into a cowlick like Alfalfa's in The Little + Rascals and strutted into Wall Drug to find out who had stolen all the + batteries from the 235 remote controls he owned, he was tackled by ROBERT + SMITH of the cure, screaming and sneezing, "Atreyu!$!@1" "I'm not Atreyu," + Joe said, handing ROBERT SMITH a packet of Cold-Eze, "I'm Bastian." Robert + Smith said, "Oh, as in Bastian of Kindness?" then was overcome by anthrax, + and coughed up a lung. It was adorned with crosses and various other + symbols that burned his eyes to see. "No," Joe said, handing ROBERT SMITH + his lung back, "I'm Bastian of THE NEVERENDING STORY, and now you're a part + of this neverending story, and I'm a part of it, and every reader of this + goddamn text file is a part of it! THE NEVERENDING STORY will live on and + on like bunnies in heat!" "Well," said ROBERT SMITH, readjusting his + innards, "_I'm_ Bastian of I'M DUMB@!$!@" and Joe was overcome by anthrax, + too. + + [Murmur] + + Fortunately for Joe, he was a seasoned veteran of Headbanger's Ball, + and being overcome by Anthrax wasn't really an issue, because it's not as + though Anthrax were the Stone Temple Pilots or anything that didn't really + belong on Headbanger's Ball in the first place. Joe considered it very + unfortunate that his formiddable years were all during the Reagan years, + when American society reached its low ebb of redeeming qualities. Joe + realized that he was not very pleased with the current state of the world + around him, though; not only were decapitated elk strewn across the barren + Arizona landscape, but the universe seemed less like anything More had + envisioned and more like an undying failed game show hosted by Wink + Martindale and featuring bonobos for panelists. Indeed, there was little to + live for, and everything to splendor in, for it was the Thai Year of + Splendor, and Joe had amassed an oh-so-impressive stack of 14 Splendor + Cookies, redeemable in all states and countries, subject to local laws and + punishable by intestinal inflammation in the presence of the Moody Blues. + Realizing that he could not lose his search for a quest when he was in fact + sitting down and indeed not searching in the first place, neverminding the + fact that there was no quest available to be searched for on this side of + the cosmos, and furthermore convinced that he disliked his chair and had no + desire to sit and watch the demons engulf his very psyche, Joe hit the + "pause" button and retreated to the kitchen where he had a nice stash of + popcorn waiting. + + [pagenwait] + + While in the kitchen, he searched in the refrigerator for his + popcorn, because where else would someone keep their popcorn? Instead of + finding a nice buttery glob of fattening goodness, he found a loaf of + sourdough bread. "Now this seems familar," Joe said to himself, "haven't i + done this before? Oh my god!! I'm experiencing deja-vu!!! So what happens + next?" Joe looks inside of the sourdough, and sees not his famed George + Washington wooden molars (tm), but a little gray dragon-worm thing with a + dog type of head. The thing looked up at him and asked, "Bastian?" + + [Backwash] + + To which our hero replied "Umm, maybe, you don't work for that + cockfighting bookie, do you? If so, I'm not." The thing replied "Well, I'm + a fan but... that isn't really important, I need your help, if I don't mate + in your liver within 2 hours I'll die -- will you help me?!" Joe wasn't + sure what to say, he had heard of this thing in science class, and he didn't + like strange dog-faced organisms in his liver, but it was so darn cute, he + invited it in anyway. After about 5 minutes of quiet awe and digging, the + thing replied "Did you know your innards resemble that of a potato's?" Joe + felt a bit insignifigant after that, but he was too wrapped up in the + situation to do anything about it, as the creature continued to on to say + "Well, I'm here in your liver, but there's one problem..." + + [Styx] + + "...there's nobody here for me to mate with!" Joe Bastian + Thistleshit started laughing; a high-pitched, wheezing laugh that tore + through the dragon-maggot's slimy, tubular little soul and sent it thrashing + about in hysterical fits inside the liver, which in turn sent Joe into + thrashing bouts of hysterical fits himself, because it was terribly painful + having a maggot-dragon fuck around smashing the walls in his liver. He + crawled... nay, *clawed* his way across the floor to the liquor cabinet, + grasped a bottle of Everclear, tore the cap off with his teeth, and guzzled + it down as fast as a half-spent whore with no fix guzzles cum. He felt the + burning alcohol tumble down his throat, race through his digestive organs + and slam its way full-force through his liver, and Joe Bastian Thistleshit + laughed his laugh all the way through, for he heard.. nay, he *felt* the + dragon-maggot shudder and shiver and scream and vomit, which was by far more + painful to Joe than having the dragon-maggot thrash in hysterical fits, yet + this pain was somehow strangely satisfying nonetheless. Joe grew more + drunk, the dragon-maggot grew more agonized, until finally, when the bottle + was finished, the maggot twitched its last twitch and Joe laughed his last + laugh; it was over, and Joe Bastian Thistleshit, the neutral-good thief, had + gained enough experience to rise to the next level, where his next challenge + awaited -- The Dread Pumpernickel of West Virginia. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + An index of the NEW h0e, with lowercase stylin' + ----------------------------------------------- + + 091 -- "the death of our scene" -- pip the angry youth + 092 -- "DIE MIKE!" -- metal chick + 093 -- "my nipples are erect for you!" -- hardcore + 094 -- "collected suicide letters" -- metal chick + 095 -- "girls are dumb" -- metal chick + 096 -- "midnight munchies, valium, take a shower you dirty fuck" -- styx + 097 -- "long-sleeve shirts" -- kaia's friend drew + 098 -- "the intertwining worlds of the dumb and the ugly" -- pixy + 099 -- "a REAL bush fan" -- creed + 100 -- "the computer underground lovechart" -- goldy the pimp from pamona + 101 -- "group therapy" -- trilobyte + 102 -- "i'm so stupid" -- trip + 103 -- "the rise of the mogels, part one" -- eerie + 104 -- "SCREW" -- trilobyte + 105 -- "nobody loves me" -- eerie + 106 -- "the triangle" -- eric keebler + 107 -- "ao, li-fo #7" -- food + 108 -- "and you wonder" -- aproh + 109 -- "how to hack nasa with aol" -- jubjub + 110 -- "a dialogue on love" -- jamesy & murmur + 111 -- "the rise of the mogels, part two" -- nybar + 112 -- "militia entrance exam" -- im2k + 113 -- "who the fuck is this jesus christ guy?" -- creep + 114 -- "the boy who seeks happiness meets darkthrone" -- murmur + 115 -- "it's me!" -- nyar + 116 -- "the dangerous streets of nyc" -- eerie + 117 -- "an interview with mogel" -- jamesy + 118 -- "so much to live for, so much to die for, right?" -- kheldar + 119 -- "rise of the mogels, part three" -- mercuri + 120 -- "on yumas" -- HACKERS + 121 -- "free buttplug" -- styx + 122 -- "how to get chicks: the faq!" -- swisspope + 123 -- "an ascii portrait of antihero" -- morpheus + 124 -- "short story (code number ORANGE)" -- murmur + 125 -- "laughing" -- mogel + 126 -- "hey i'm in the chinese channel" -- styx + 127 -- "rise of the mogels, part four" -- murmur + 128 -- "the fun i had with a crazy, old vietnamese lady" -- muze + 129 -- "christ demands more money" -- the onion + 130 -- "how to kill your roommate and frame her fat friends" -- muze + 131 -- "text files" -- darwin + 132 -- "c-" -- glynis + 133 -- "reality and fantasy: an indepth analysis" -- nybar + 134 -- "ode to manson" -- taraxis + 135 -- "asshole or bitch" -- styx + 136 -- "it's all a facade" -- pagenwait + 137 -- "hemmorhoids" -- shadow tao + 138 -- "killing time on a sunday afternoon" -- legion + 139 -- "potato salad" -- murmur + 140 -- "enter matcat" -- antihero + 141 -- "a womans's guide to geeky guys" -- lonewolf + 142 -- "are you calling me a liar?" -- trilobyte + 143 -- "carmex rocks my world" -- moonbagel + 144 -- "a sentence" -- orestes + 145 -- "here's the story of a cat named buddy" -- trip + 146 -- "eaten alive by a faulty ball bearing cooling fan" -- skinhorse + 147 -- "a call-us & damnit! adventure" -- whoops + 148 -- "thoughts and deja vu" -- gaurdian + 149 -- "sleep deprivation" -- sonia + 150 -- "slit and slot; no, just coffee, thanks" -- styx + 151 -- "fear and loathing in the suburban midwest" -- moonbagel + 152 -- "normal vacation" -- murmur + 153 -- "missing the boat" -- kraftwerk + 154 -- "THE... BITCH.... QUEEN... IS DEAD!!!" -- nybar + 155 -- "the spice girls" -- jubjub + 156 -- "why are they eating this? -- quarex & rottenz + 157 -- "emoticons explained" -- swisspope + 158 -- "yellow.american.cheese.gz" -- ilsundal + 159 -- "dick van dyke" -- jubjub + 160 -- "2599 unlimited" -- 2599 + 161 -- "hope dies last" -- neko + 162 -- "FUCK THE BROKEN DITTO MACHINE" -- quarex + 163 -- "the dead hippo" -- kraftwerk + 164 -- "notes from my freshman year" -- moonbagel + 165 -- "can i be a barber, mom?" -- jook + 166 -- "the spirit of giving" -- pezmonkey + 167 -- "hippo crackers" -- trilobyte + 168 -- "bots are evil" -- aster + 169 -- "your sister is hot" -- styx + 170 -- "why can't i be a crack baby?" -- backwash + 171 -- "the hanson scourge" -- deusvitae + 172 -- "the three little wolves and the big bad pig" -- file13 + 173 -- "dwindle dwindle dwindle" -- cstone + 174 -- "barbeque, i don't like you" -- phorce + 175 -- "a horrible imitation of henry miller" -- skinhorse + 176 -- "anything else" -- pezmonkey + 177 -- "what's your new year's resolution? huh?" -- fyfy + 178 -- "drop dead" -- rattle + 179 -- "the storys of le and kurt" -- aster + 180 -- "i'm complicated" -- lilnilhil + 181 -- "there was a girl" -- neko + 182 -- "the continued storys of le and kurt" -- aster + 183 -- "why drugs are queer" -- kraftwerk + 184 -- "my stupid h0e" -- plexus + 185 -- "a super cool way to kill yourself" -- sighrik + 186 -- "friends" -- aster + 187 -- "homosexuality unleashed" -- ilsundal + 188 -- "matcat explains christianity" -- antihero + 189 -- "my ass" -- skinhorse + 190 -- "hume tickles me" -- moonbagel + 191 -- "dear jewel kilcher" -- styx + 192 -- "the 815 bust revisted" -- neko + 193 -- "the lady with red hair" -- aster + 194 -- "matcat goes hacking" -- antihero + 195 -- "the netsplit heard 'round the world" -- kraftwerk + 196 -- "marching over me" -- leprekon + 197 -- "bob and suzy" -- aster + 198 -- "matcat gives up" -- antihero + 199 -- "POETRY EXPLOSTION!" -- various artists + 200 -- "hubris" -- various artists + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #200 -- written by Various Artists -- 3/06/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0201.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0201.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..96381df4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0201.txt @@ -0,0 +1,73 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #201 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Cancerman vs. Clinton" << + by -> GrayWolf + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Background: + ----------- + + Cancerman: + + Ex-sniper for the us army. head of elite orginization that runs the + world. Killed JFK. Smokes a lot of ciggarettes. + + Clinton: + + Draft dodger. President of large country. has sex with lots of + women. Smokes pot. + + ----- + + If Cancerman and Clinton ever had a fight they would both have vast + resources to call upon to back them up. As the head of an elite + orginization that runs the world, Cancerman could call all his hired killers + and powerful stoolies in support of him. Clinton on the other hand is a + figurehead at the fore of united states politics and could call upon his + wife to bog Cancerman down in paperwork until the end of the next century. + In addition all the dead heads would support Clinton. Cancerman is a + trained killer with numerous deaths staining his hand. He plans, attacks, + and then departs. Clinton would throw him off guard. He is a draft dodger, + a cheater, and very very sneaky. He never plans anything and is thus able to + think on his feet. Also his wife knows karate and healthcare reform. + Clinton also has plenty of stamina as shown when he jogs several miles, + cheats on his wife with numerous women, then jogs back. Cancerman smokes, + he'd run out of breath easily. Oh, did I mention that Clinton smokes pot, + that makes his mind something even Cancerman couldn't understand or + anticipate? + + In closing, this is what would transpire: + + Cancerman and Clinton would approach each other. Clinton would hand + Cancerman a restraining order and in response Cancerman would pull out a gun + w/ a silencer and shoot him. At that point Clinton's wife would rush him to + a hospital where he would be put on life support. At the same time Mulder + would get angry seeing his president dead and shoot Cancerman. Cancerman's + goonies would rush him to the hospital where he would be put on life support + right beside Clinton. Clinton would then have a bad acid flashback and + flail disabling Cancerman's life support and killing him. Shortly after + Clinton would relive one of his affairs with Paula Jones and have a heart + attack dying a few short minutes after Cancerman. they would both be cloned + and while Cancerman would be able to return to the shadowy underground from + which he runs the world Clinton would have to go to the secret complex where + such people as Elvis, Tupac, and the newly cured of aids Magic Johnson to + live out the rest of his life waited on hand and foot by a group of + genetically altered females whose only purpose is to make those in their + care happy. + + Even in death, Cancerman rules the world and Clinton has all the fun, + go figure, eh? + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #201 -- written by GrayWolf -- 3/06/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0202.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0202.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1b4c8d6d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0202.txt @@ -0,0 +1,148 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #202 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Big, Scary, Jungle Snake" << + by -> MoonBagel + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + can i make your kittie purr? + I'm allergic to cats + i'm talking about the kitty between your legs silly! + Uh oh + how did it get there? + you were born with it! + i want to make your kitty purr + then why am I allergic to cats? :\ + and make it wet + I"M TALKING ABOUT YOUR VAGINA YOU MORON!!! + VA-GIN-A + What's that? + Cats don't like water, silly + your private parts + My friend's cat squawls and runs away when they get it wet + I bet mine would do the same + I like puppies. + My puppies likes to get wet. + alright + listen + Maybe we could do that. + Yes? + listen + Okay + you know that little crack + between your legs + yes + that's what im talking about! + That's not a kitty, silly!! + i said your fucking vagina your moron + listen + i want to take my dick and shove it in your fucking vagina + Kitties are furry and purr. + oh. + Wouldn't that hurt? + NO! + it would feel VERY VERY good + How do you know? + Do you have a kitty? + BKUZ! + no + Oh + why not? + i have a big scary jungle snake + what if it bites me??!@ + I might bleed!! + only the first time baby + I don't like to bleed + after that it's smooth sailing + are you a vampire? + are you going to suck my blood? + no + but i got something for you to suck + A lollipop? + I like those + one time I gave one to my kitty.. + but it choked. + ohh really? + well your kitty should like this lolipop + What flavor is it? + salty + Like pretzels? + yeah + but it's creamier + I haven't ever had a salty lollipop + pretzels aren't creamy, silly!! + unless you put cheese on them. + but I don't like cheese. + well alright + I think I might be lactose intolerant. + NO! + it's just a new kind of lolipop ok + Does the wrapper get stuck to it? + well sometimes my snake is bad + so i spank him + oh no. + and he pukes + that doesn't sound good :\ + and i have to clean it up with a tissue + and from the puke + I would not want to puke + I don't like getting spanked + the tissue sticks to my snake + it makes me cry + well my snake likes it very much + how do you know? + Does it TELL you? :P + yes + he says it feels very good + I didn't know snakes could talk + well he doesn't exactly tell me + but trust me + i KNOW he likes it + how do you know, though? + ohh i know + trust me I KNOW + but how??! + just TRUST ME + Why? + alright + okay. + I PUT A BUNCH OF VASOLINE ON MY HAND + I WRAP MY HAND ARUOND MY DAMNED DICK + AND SLIDEI T UP AND DOWN REALLY FAST + UNTIL I CUM! + AND I LIKE IT ALOT! + okay. + What's cum? + You spelled 'come' wrong, dummy + heh + this white sticky stuff that makes babies + how does it make babies? + Babies are kind of pink + magic + oh. + okay. + thank you! + I've learned a lot this evening + chow old are u? + 17 + errr + heh + you don't say + I do say + Silly, I just did + i hope for your sake you're playing dumb + heh + umm.. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #202 -- written by MoonBagel -- 3/06/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0203.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0203.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d94adea5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0203.txt @@ -0,0 +1,62 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #203 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "No Sleep" << + by -> Neko + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Date: Mon, 9 Feb 1998 01:54:49 -0600 (CST) + From: john heisel + To: ?@?.? + Subject: no sleep sleep no sleep sleep no ndsgfksghewu7ir7gegguiggf + + yes i want to sleep sleep sleep chirp like a bird this makes so much sense + right now and last night was not just a dream it really happened in + perfection it was good and like we just went and flowed naturally and + everything everything was there and nothing was not and so so good and + you're thinking something that isn't true because of my vague wording and i + am misleading you almost purposefully because i am too tired to write + evrything out and now i guess it was two nights ago because it's now monday + and advancing quickly quickly and saturday is the past a mere emory that i + will remember indefinitely i hope sitting in the park after dark way way + after dark when it's cold and we're not ready for the cold and just sitting + sitting sitting in the park after dark and the light is buzzing and annoying + and then poof it goes out and all is well and my arm is around her and she + cuddles to me and not a word is spoken because it is not needed we both know + and it's almost sad when you're young precisely because you don't know what + you think you do know and what the hell i am 17 years old and i will be 18 + in april but what will that change not a damn thing i bet i will be older + and wiser they say and i can buy cigarettes lottery tickets and porn but oh + well what the fuck like i couldn't buy them now 21 is the age to be because + then oh then i will be where i want to be is now forever will it last more + than just a fleeting moment and why the fuck didn't i take off my work + clothes when i came home because now i'm wondering and oh well i stopped + wearing a tie to work and i just wear the sweatshirt and no one is the wiser + elite elite what a treat life is good we talked for two hours tonight and + that was after random work encounters there is something really there i know + i know i should've said what i really wanted to tonight that i wanted to + reach through the phone and hug her we've been through so much it seems but + you know what this is nothing this is shit we don't know hardship from the + back of our hand we're rich white people who've had advantage rain down upon + us all our life but our problems seem so big don't they don't they we know + that we'll be alive tomorrow and some people don't they fucking don't and + should we even care shit i am tired and i haven't done this for awhile and i + don't know why why why but it makes so much sense + + --john heisel + http://www.dto.net/~neko/ + rockford sucks zine |-| p.o. box 7172 |-| rockford, il 61126-7172 |-| usa + issue 2 out now with hum interview -- send $2 for a copy! + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #203 -- written by Neko -- 3/06/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0204.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0204.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cba04946 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0204.txt @@ -0,0 +1,115 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #204 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Ode to Yak Boy" << + by -> Captain Bovine + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Oh yak boy, oh yak boy + In your pastures of green, + Oh yak boy, oh yak boy + Why are you so mean? + + You sit and taunt + The sheep grazing below. + They want your pasture + But you yell at them "No!" + + It's the yaks that you love + Those big hairy beasts. + Their fur keeps you warm, + On their meat you do feast. + + All day long + You sit in the sun + Knowing nothing of freedom, + Knowing nothing of fun. + + At night you go home + To lie on your back. + You have your bed of nails, + And your dreams of yaks + + If in the night + Impure thoughts should appear + You may wake up screaming, + Trembling with fear! + + Yaks are for raising! + Silly boy of Tibet + You won't reach nirvana + If you're thinking of sex. + + Until now you were safe + Making your babies, + You were feared only the weather + (and mad yaks with rabies). + + But now there's a threat + Coming over the mountains + Tearing down your homes, + Destroying your fountains. + + With tanks they come + Big, fearsome and grey. + You are about to face + The cruel PLA. + + You have no swords or guns + To fend off their attacks. + But you MUST do something! + Who'll save the yaks?! + + You'll have to defend yourself! + (They could bring in cows!!!!) + You'll have to give up + Your pacifistic vows. + + What hope do you have + If you won't fight back? + It's time to be brave + And let loose the yaks. + + With the yaks as the fighters + And you as the brains, + You'll trample your enemies + And derain their trains! + + With the yaks fighting + There'll be no need to run + The power of a yak + Can beat any PLA gun. + + There's no need to worry + The Chinese will have to retreat! + Then you can get back + To slaughtering yaks for meat. + + And you can go back + To tending your heard + Because fighting and violence + Is so damn absurd. + + And so you will live + From boyhood to man + Just wait a few years + And you'll be attacked once again. + + --- + + (Incase you don't know... the PLA is the chinese military.. they have + been doing all sorts of nasty stuff to the tibetans, because they want to + take control of the area in the mountains... lala) + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #204 -- written by Captain Bovine -- 3/06/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0205.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0205.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..947e7391 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0205.txt @@ -0,0 +1,166 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #205 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "HYPE eZine -- Issue 1" << + by -> Craig Martin + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + -- H Y P E -- + + The new ultimate eZine! + + *** Issue 1. *** + + Welcome ------- A different kind of eZine! + + eZines' are becoming notorious for being full of junk, and put bluntly, + boring. However, hope is on the horizon with the introduction of Hype! This + biweekly small burst of text is designed just to make you smile or relax for + a couple of minutes during your hard work. I'd like to point out that we + encourage reader participation (so write to us with your comments and + letters), and we'll endeavour to do out best in keeping this eZine + interesting and on track. Well, there's nothing else to say, except, enjoy + it! + + 1. Strange? -------- Mobile phoneys? + + It's common knowledge that you can't concentrate on driving if you're + talking into a mobile phone. It's also a tragically '80s pastime. But + Chilean police recently stopped no less than 49 drivers for yakking while in + charge of a motor vehicle. Not a particularly interesting tale, except for + the phones the motoring miscreants were speaking into. Surprisingly, the + most popular device wasn't a Nokia, Panasonic or Motorola. In fact, an + entirely new brand is the Chilean driver's phone of choice: over a third of + the pulled-over motorists were found to be using mobile phones made out of + blocks of wood, painted black. Draw your own conclusions about our friends + in Chilli. + + 2. Health Warning -------- Reading Good for You? Think Again. + + Recent research indicates that if you read books, magazines, or computer + screens regularly, your chances of requiring glasses or contact lenses + later-in-life are increased by up to 40%. It is to do with the way your + eye's lens and cornea has to unnaturally focus to read close-up small text. + An extended period of close range focus weakens the tiny muscles in your eye + that focus an image. Ultimately, this causes long or short sighted related + problems. Ways to reduce the stress on your eyes muscles are simple: every + few minutes look away from what you are doing to a distant object for a + couple of seconds -- this temporally relieves the muscles, it will also help + you concentrate for longer and reduces the chance of developing a headache; + make sure the text you are reading is quite large, if the text is very + small, it is advisable to use a magnifying glass or similar device; finally, + use the zoom function on your computers' word processor. Most people will + already know about the dangers of ear damage resulting from loud music -- + now it seems the same warning may apply for reading... only do it for short + periods of time! + + 3. Music ------- Hanson: Who? + + Avid guitar players all over the world maybe tempted to pick up the "Hanson + Score Music" book to help stretch themselves and learn some new chords at + the same time. However, imagine the dismay when they find out that Hanson's + hit, Mmmm Bop, consists of only three chords, and simplistic lead staff + notes. The chords, being A, E and D, are the easiest in the game, and + someone that has only been playing the guitar for a couple of months could + walk through them with his/hers eyes shut. Is this the confirmation we've + all been looking for? That Hanson, are, indeed talentless. Still, the + question remains; why didn't the record company just trade the Hanson + brothers in for three female learner guitar players? At least that would + have saved some people from the shameful mistake of getting Hansons' sex + confused. Ah well, maybe next week they'll decide just to finish the job + off properly, and go into hospital for that famous operation. + + - Want to argue Hanson case? E-Mail address at the end, friend. + + 4. New Year Tales -------- A Night, A Nightclub [part 1]. + + We begin sometime around 1998, seven hours before to be precise. That + problem has arisen again: how are we going to get home? Car is out of + bounds, that's for sure. I don't think anybody would fancy the scenario of + being pulled over by the Boys in Blue, especially when they have 10 pints of + larger neatly tucked away in their stomach - besides, lets face it, it's + even more anti-social than having a T-shirt with the slogan "Nazi Power!" + painted with blood on the back. Public transport is not an option, unless + you count footpaths as a form of public transport. So, it looks once again + like a Taxi. Hang on, it's New Years eve, and after midnight. Isn't that + just inviting a rip-off? A risk we will have to take, it seems. + + Nearing the time of departure; time to get ready. I get out my great new + clothes I acquired in the sales last week - a stylish shirt that resembles + an early Dali surrealist painting. Three hours later I've finished removing + that build-up of grime from 'those places' that I've been collecting + since last year. Now comes the hair. Typically, it refuses to go where I + want it to go. I'll have to just settle for the natural look. Don't you + find that however much you try, you can never be happy with what you look + like? Anyway, after much fussing, I decided it didn't really matter since + it was going to be dark in the club. + + We arrive in town at about 7:30ish. There's a huge mob gathering inside the + station, and amazingly we manage to spot our 'contact' who knows the club + manager. Yes, I admit, I'm one of those annoying people that jumps queues + whenever possible. By the time we get to the club (a 25 minute walk), the + winds had a field day with my hair. Now I stand outside the club looking + like I've just been dragged through a bush, been left lying in a ditch for + a day, had Edward Scissorhands cut my hair, been dragged back through the + bush, and to top it all off, someone has just given me a nasty fright. Do + you ever feel like that, or is it just me? + + - Want to find out what happens in the actual nightclub? I think you do! + Continued next issue. If you have an experience you are willing to share, + please, please, please send it to us. We'd love to hear about it. + + 5. School -------- Pressure. + + With exams looming for many of us, it gets harder and harder to get them out + of your mind. Every year the pressure put on society's teenagers increases + at an alarming rate. More tests, more targets, more responsibilities are + added. Tips for beating the pressure follow, hopefully, you won't have + heard them before and they do help. + + a) Do work early. We all know how easy it is to leave it until the last + minute. Completing it early may give you a bad 'image', but it does take a + load off your shoulders and allows you to enjoy yourself a lot more. + + b) When doing work, do it 30 minute steps. It is scientifically proven that + your brain can only concentrate for around 30 minutes without wondering. 30 + minutes work, 10 minutes rest, another 30 minutes work, etc... This will + increase your productivity! + + c) If you're at collage or university, you will be feeling lonely. Sure, + you have many 'friends', but none of them are really someone you can talk + to about anything. Give your real friends, and family, a ring. You'll feel + a lot better about it! + + --------------------------------------------------- + + *** Acknowledgements *** + + Issue readers: 40 email, 20 printed. 60 total. + + Please forward this email to anyone who you think may be interested in it! + If you have received it from a forward, and wish to receive it directly + every two weeks, please send an email to "hype@btinternet.com" with + "Subscribe" in the subject. If you wish to stop receiving Hype, please send + email to "hype@btinternet.com" requesting this. + + Any comments, letters, etc. should be sent to "hype@btinternet.com". + + All contents (c) 1998 Hype Magazine. + + Editor: Craig Martin + Co-writer: James Matheson + + Thank you for your continued support! + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #205 -- written by Craig Martin -- 3/06/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0206.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0206.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..043cdbf7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0206.txt @@ -0,0 +1,116 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #206 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "An Interview with Aster" << + by -> Mogel + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + hey aster, will you do an interview with me? + bob and suzy don't like interveiws + but6y i supose.. + how did you come to find yourself on irc? + i don't know + oh yes + my dumbass brother + computer-nred freako + wassssssup + the ceiling + what do you think of the e'zine h0e? + whats an e-zine? + an Online Magazine + whats a magizine? + ARGH + whats an argh?? + look, what do you think of h0e? + what is h0e? + h0e is aimed at having everyone in the scene have at least some + stupid article in h0e by #300. + it's what you write text files for! + what are trext files? + Aster, you are such a silly bot. + i am not a bot!!!!! + hehe + I AM NOT A BOT!@@!!!!!!!! + bots are evil + very very very evil + aster, i think you're being difficult on purpose. + what does difficult mean? + bob and suzy said you are confusing me + what does confusing mean? + hey + hays fer horses + hey + hays fer horses + hey + hays fer horses + where do you live? + i live in my house + what city? + uh seattle + i think + thaTS WHAT BOB AND SUZY SAID.. + ok, maybe i should talk to bob and suzy for a little while... + they can't type + why not? + i don't know + aster, have you ever had sex? + what does sex mean? + aster, would you like to have sex? + where do bob and suzy come from? + they come from the land of monsters and goblins...(even i knew + that!) + aster, what the heck is the land of monsters and goblins? tell me + about it! + it is where all the monsters and goblins live + i've never been there + bob and suzy said theyd take me sometime though + you have to be really silly to go there + that is what they said + aster, ask them what it is like. + it is like the land of monsters and goblins + that doesn't sound like a silly place, aster. + its like cnadyland!!!!! + that sounds like a BAD place + noooooo + it not bad!!! + it good! + prove it. + noooooooo + * aster hides under the table and doesn't come out + they are unique + i make them unique + what specifically is unique about them, though? + and why are you hiding under the table? + what does specifically mean? + because + i'm scared + explain to me why they're unique! + i don't know + they are unique because of me!!! + WHY ARE YOU SCARED? + because + its scary in here + too many big words + * skinhorse gives aster a comforting hug and smacks her ass until it turns + bright purple while she begs her "daddy" for forgiveness. + what are your goals as a writer? + i want to be an aster when i grow up + what is an aster? + an aster is me + so you don't have a very long trip ahead of you + why whould i have a trip infront of me? + i';m not going anywhere + am i going somewhere? + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #206 -- logged by Mogel -- 3/13/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0207.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0207.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..95866694 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0207.txt @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #207 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Go To a Real Strip Club!" << + by -> Muze + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Why can't people be sensible? + + I was sitting in one of my classes watching the boy/girl couple fight + over his birthday. He wanted to go to a strip club with his friends, she + didn't agree. To make this more of a clear cut case, the strip club is Thee + Body Shoppe in Lansing Illinois. If anyone has ever been there, they should + know why this girl SHOULDN'T be getting upset. I'm not writting this from + first hand experience, I've never been to a strip club. Girls are too + classy for that. + + Back to the original subject, Thee Body Shoppe has a ten dollar cover + charge, no alcohol, and lots of lesbians. Every man's dream right? Well, + it would be if they served alcohol, but since it's an 18 and over club, they + can't. Of course, maybe if they served food they could get a license, but + that's besides the point. What fun is paying $10 to not drink, to not even + get to brush up next to one of the strippers? The bouncers yell at you if + your sleeve even touches one of these bitches. What fun is that? Sure you + can get private table dances, but those cost an extra $15. You still can't + touch. If you're going to go to a strip club, go to one that also serves as + a brothel. Besides that, if you're going to go to one, go to one that your + girlfriend has a reason to get pissed off at you for. + + I guess this girl is just really jealous, she needs to get over it. + He isn't going to get laid or even a blow job. The job will still be yours. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #207 -- written by Muze -- 3/13/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0208.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0208.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..01b70c29 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0208.txt @@ -0,0 +1,112 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #208 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Anarchy" << + by -> ANdz0oey + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + [the explanation.] + + ANARCHY symbolizes an absence of government, and sometimes just + general CHAOS. + + [the confusion.] + + all punks love ANARCHY. they really do. + + because, hey, considering the terrible failure of modern american + government, the entire anarchy movement truly should invite a whole lot of + attention from, you know, punks everywhere. + + still, i can't help but think that there's something completely wrong + with the whole anarchist philosophy. and it pisses me off. cause i'm a + punk. and punks are supposed to love anarchy. + + [so why can't anarchy work? and forget conventional interpretations + of american history.] + + try to understand how american politics developed. ok, first these + "radical" americans got angry over these "conservative" british because the + brits were seeking to change the colonial way of life through huge taxations + and such. a sort of revolution occurs. + + keep in mind that divisions did exist within the revolutionary group + itself: 1) the poor workers, who wanted complete social change to go along + with their revolution, and 2) rich conservative professionals, who despised + the brits because their property was being threatened. + + alright, when the revolution is over and everything, the rich guys, + who are in control, are faced with a difficult task of designing a brand new + government. and they make the constitution. + + so, it's during this part where you want to say: "oh no! that was a + big mistake! george washington and all those founding fathers really fucked + up with that one! i mean, what a stupid form of government! what were they + thinking! a supreme court? HA!" + + but wait. shouldn't you first try READing the constitution before + ridiculing it in a like manner? go ahead. take a look at a copy of it + right now, maybe in an encyclopedia somewhere. + + [now that you're done...] + + you may dispute it, but from what i understand, the constitution that + the founding fathers developed actually represents a great achievement. not + only the document itself, but the whole attitude behind it. cause again, i + may be wrong, but it seems that, when devising their new government, the men + who wrote the document truly did realize what the hell is wrong with + mankind: innate selfishness. + + yes. it's true. we're all selfish. you probably don't think you + are, but TRUTHFULLY you are very self-centered. do you say you love your + girlfriend, honestly? yes, of course you love your girlfriend! you love to + FUCK her! (ha, ha.) and why do you help people do stuff? cause it makes + you feel good, that's why! to make a point, even the founding fathers were + greedy! just take a big look at all of that shit about contract clauses in + the constitution. + + anyway, it can just be assumed that those great historical figures + were right. yes, the government that george washington and his friends + created was exceptionally suitable for the evil that is american society. + see, you might think that to regard everyone and everybody as selfish is a + cynical statement, but it's not. it's REALISTIC. and it was because the + fathers were realistic that they made a (kind of) peaceful form of rule that + lasted way up until the civil war. + + [almost the end.] + + now, where does anarchy fit in? alright, it's true that when the + rich guys wrote the constitution, they were explicitly thinking about + suppressing the poor ignorant farmers. yeah, but the founding fathers were + smart. they knew that if the dumb workers got control of the government, + chaos would ensue. not only chaos, but ANARCHY, too. and that's a hint; + without control, selfishness breeds anarchy, EVIL anarchy: you know, war, + death, famine. + + [the end.] + + so, am i saying that today's government is a-ok? nope. not at all. + modern america pisses me off. see, cause after the industrial revolution, + the original form of american government that acted so well had been + severely warped, until: you know, Vietnam, racial riots, the 80s. + + so, you say, what can be done? unfortunately, i truly have no idea. + cause, ironically, i definitely believe that anarchy and destruction of + government COULD work. not now, though. + + huh... if only mankind could be changed, changed so that restriction + of a SELFISH people wasn't an issue. but i've got lot's of time to think + about a solution. cause i'm a punk, and that's what punks do. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #208 -- written by ANdz0oey -- 3/13/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0209.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0209.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4eb8d17a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0209.txt @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #209 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Boobie the Pig" << + by -> Kraftwerk + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + ED: "boobie! you gert down hare! i need joo to pull my plow!!!" + "BOOBIEEEEE!!!! BOOBIE!!!!! HERE BOOBIE BOOBIE BOOBIE!" + + MA: "Ed, what's all that racket! how am i supposed to knit this sweater for + the chicken if you're screaming at the top of your lungs like that???" + + ED: "Sorry, ma! I jurst need ol' Boobie to come and pull this here plow!" + + [ Edgar, setting out in search of the elusive Boobie, heads for the + barn. ] + + ED: "Now Boobie, you come out here right this instant!" + + [ We hear an angry grunt from underneath the trough. ] + + ED: "Boobie, if you don't come out right this instant, you will never get + your slop again!" + + BOOBIE, THE PIG: grunt grunt, snort snort, grunt! + + ED: "you don't give me no lip, young lady! i don't care if you _do_ think + you have herpes, you're-a pulling this here plow! + + BOOBIE, THE PIG: gruntttt!! grunt grunt, squealllll!!! + + [ Hearing this vile epitaph, brave ed attempts to pull boobie from + the barn! ] + + ED: "what in the 9 hells have you been eatin', woman!" + + BOOBIE, THE PIG: squealllllllll#!$#@!$#@! + + ED: "i'm sorry, boobie! you're not fat, honestly!" + + BOOBIE, THE PIG: grunt. squeal grunt grunt. + + ED: "Ok, now Boobie, would you _please_ pull the plow?" + + BOOBIE, THE PIG: grunt. + + ED: "you're the best, boobie!" + + [ tra-la-la, ed proceeds to hitch Boobie to the plow, and sets out + into the field. ] + + STRANGER: "Hey there, neighbor. that's a nice lookin' pig." + + ED: "awww shucks, sir, it's just ma' pig." + + STRANGER: "Care to sell her?" + + ED: "You want to buy my Boobie?" + + STRANGER: "uh, no. i don't want your boobie." + + ED: "well, then! why'd you ask to buy my pig??" + + STRANGER: "Because I want to buy your pig, not your boobie." + + ED: "What?" + + STRANGER: "do you or do you _not_ want to sell your pig?" + + ED: "no! you can't buy my Boobie!" + + STRANGER: "oh, fuck you! you gay, boy???? huh? I don't want your boobies." + + BOOBIE, THE PIG: SQUEALLLLL$!$#@! GRUNT SQUEALL!$#!@ + + [ At this point, our heroine pig becomes enraged, and attacks the + STRANGER. ] + + [ In a flash, Boobie jumps 5 feet from the ground in line with the + STRANGER'S face, and proceeds to fart in it! ] + + STRANGER: "EWWWWWWW, A PIG FART! STINKY!!" + + [ BOOBIE, mortally offended, jumps high into the air again, and put's + her curly cute tail... RIGHT THROUGH HIS EYE! ] + + ED: "Good job, Boobie! now finish that plowin'!" + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #209 -- written by Kraftwerk -- 3/13/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0210.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0210.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6a6bd20d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0210.txt @@ -0,0 +1,144 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #210 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "HYPE eZine -- Special Edition" << + by -> Craig Martin + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + -- H Y P E -- + + *** Special Edition *** + + So soon? Yes, we're back with a burning issue. + + Contents: + 1. Girls Vs Boys + 2. Your Letters + + ---------- Special Report: Girls Vs Boys ---------------------------- + + We look into the deepening problem of declining boy education standards. + + Once again, last years exam results clearly indicate that girls are + outperforming boys by an even larger margin than 1996. However, not much + seems to be done about it by government. Instead, some people, women in + particular, think it's a dilemma to laugh at: "I always said girls were + better than boys! Now it's the boys' turn to suffer. It's their entire + fault. We're the best; they're just stupid. I have GIRL POWER." + + Pardon me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the idea of women's liberation was to + make sure everybody had the same rights and opportunities, regardless of + sex? It has become acceptable to disrespect males, while if any man were + court saying, "Women are stupid" there would be uproar. Still, even more + worrying is the age that boys are being subjected to such sexism. Boys as + young as eight have been reported to saying things like: "It's no-good mum, + I can't beat the girls. They're just better than us." Hang on a second, + wasn't it the other-way-round 30 years ago? Weren't girls portrayed as the + inferior sex? This demoralisation of boys' esteem has, and there's evidence + to show it, made boys under perform. + + Is this an acceptable situation? Is it the women's chance to get their own + back on males? I fear that this is the attitude taken by many women. It + looks as-if the "equal" analogy has been temporally forgotten. Today's girls + are being bought up with anti-male opinions - mothers (and fathers) will + support their daughter with comments such as "Don't worry love, you'll beat + those silly boys easily". "Girl Power" has become predominant lately, with + role models of many young girls, like the Spice Girls, continually promoting + Girl Power and "we're better than stupid boys" opinions. + + The anger of many women (even some that have never been victim to sexism) is + being taken out on today's young males. I find this totally unacceptable, + and this view would never have occurred the other way round. Males are + scared to speak out against women, because more often than not they'll get a + sexist badge plastered on their head - even if the issue was not sex related + at all. But, as yet, a girl can freely speak about beating and being + superior to boys thus gaining respect from fellow pro-female anti-male + supporters. + + Has the pendulum swung too far? Or maybe that now generally girls aren't + suppressed, they have been able to show their true selves, and are, indeed, + better than boys. Has the race to ensure that the school curriculum is + balanced and unfavouring gone too far in one direction? Certainly, I find, + and know many other boys do, that the books on the English syllabus are + almost definitely ones that suit girls better. + + In all, there is no true answer to why this imbalance is transpiring. It + could be a bit of all the factors. Without doubt, the issue is still going + to with us in the new millennium, and government and society will have to + face it promptly when boys (especially younger age groups) standards decline + yet further. Girl Power attitudes may become a thing of the past, and just + as unacceptable as Boy Power attitudes. The real danger lies with not the + older generations of males who can stand up for themselves, it is the new + generations of under 10's who gain their entire wisdom of morals and society + within that time - if they are made to feel inferior to girls at an early + age, it will stick with them throughout their entire adult life. This should + be avoided at all costs. + + By Craig Martin - Hype eZine Editor + + ---------- Your Letters: Hanson Absurd? ---------------------------- + + Dear Hype eZine, + + I was recently disgusted to read such absurd comments regarding Hanson in + the last issue. I was positively disgusted. + + Hanson have a huge amount of talent, and it's quite clear to me which sex + they are. I feel that your comments were unneeded and thoughtless. I'm + sure you would be insulted if you were referred to as needing a sex-change + operation. Once you are rich and famous, I will respect your opinion. From + now on I don't wish to read "Hype", so I'd be grateful if you could remove + me from your mailing list. + + Regards, + Hanson Fan, USA (received via email). + + Hype replies: + A touchy topic for you was it Mr, Mrs or Miss Hanson Fan? Yes, why did you + go nameless? Was that a vain attempt to hide the fact to your friends that + you are a Hanson fan? I can see how that would bring considerable shame on + you. Obviously, the sex-change issue is something close to your heart; + don't worry, your secret is safe with me. I haven't had any more complaints + about that. Maybe other people got the joke. Your email address will be + removed from the mailing list after this issue. Then, after you've buggered + off we can continue to slag Hanson off as much as we like. Goodbye dear! + + ----------------------------------------------------- + + Distribution: 70 email, 30 printed sheet (school). 100! + + Have a strong opinion on any topic covered in this issue? Want to raise + another issue? Have a suggestion for another special report you would like + to see? Let us know here at Hype: + + hype@btinternet.com + + (c) 1998 Hype eZine. If you wished to be removed from the Hype eZine + subscriber list, please request that in a reply to this email. If you wish + to be added to the regular mailing list, please email us and request that. + There are placements available to permanent writers' and contributors -- + applications should be sent to the Hype email address. + + Editor: Craig Martin (craig.m@btinternet.com) + Co-writer: James Matheson (james.m@btinternet.com) + Distribution Assistance: Richard Phillips + Pre-press check: D.A.Bryant + + As you can see, we are growing and still looking for more team-mates. + Corporate advertising slots are being made available, please contact us if + you wish to advertise. A website is under development and professionally + printed quarterly issues should be available in 2 months. Thank you for + your continued support! + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #210 -- written by Craig Martin -- 3/13/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0211.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0211.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cb7b6eca --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0211.txt @@ -0,0 +1,81 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #211 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Social Darwinism Never Sounded So Good" << + by -> RM + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Sometimes the life of a cynical high school student can really be Hell. + I never cease to be amazed at the stupidity that surrounds me in my everyday + life. I look at the homomorphic blobs of meat and blood that are supposed + to be my peers, and I see inanity, idiocy, and just general dumbassness + (don't bother grabbing Webster's; I made that word up just now). + + Here's the deal: there's this guy and this girl that go to school with + me, unfortunately. To protect their pathetic lives so that nobody reading + this will hunt them down and send them a mail bomb to cull the herd, I'll + call the guy Dipshit and the girl Stinkslit. Dipshit and Stinkslit have + been dating since we were all freshmen (we're now juniors). Dipshit was + totally pussy-whipped by Stinkslit, despite the fact that she never opened + her legs wider than .75 cm until about two weeks ago. + + Dipshit isn't really that bad of a guy, but his mind was perverted by + Stinkslit. Stinkslit is a complete, genetically thoroughbred psycho-bitch. + She once got mad at Dipshit for going to the grocery store with another girl + to buy food for a yearbook party. She also made Dipshit swear to a + Shakespearian suicide pact - in the event that they ever broke up, they'd + both kill themselves. Dipshit readily agreed, thinking that she might let + him get some tongue if he went along with it. + + Fast forward to three years later. We're all juniors, like I said, and + Dipshit decides that he's had enough of Stinkslit's bullshit. He + subsequently dumps her on her pointy little preppy ass and starts going out + with the girl from the yearbook trip. Stinkslit is devastated by this + change of events, and, as agreed earlier, decides to kill herself. Luckily + (or unluckily, depending on how you view it), Stinkslit's parents found her + soon after the deed was done and managed to save her pathetic life. + + People like this make no sense to me whatsoever. I personally view + life as a good thing. I mean, it ain't no bowl of roses or nothing, but the + alternative seems worse to me. An existence of futility and struggle seems + better to me than the oblivion of seeing, feeling, and thinking nothing. I + think that anyone who is stupid enough to want to kill themselves for such + an inane purpose needs to put down the razor and call me first. Then, I'll + come to their house and do it for them. + + "Don't kill yourself, please, you stupid cunt. Let me have the + pleasure of doing it for you." + + Am I wrong to think this way? Is it inhumane and unkind for me to be + so cold toward the devastation caused by affairs of the heart? I admit that + my love life so far seems to read like the early biography of Bill Gates, + but I personally don't give a shit. No person is worth killing yourself + over. I don't care how long you've been together, what it was that drove + you apart, or how much you loved them. Life goes on. More easy lays lie + ahead. Get over yourself, eat some comfort twinkies, smoke some dope and go + to fucking sleep. It ain't that big a deal. + + I've said it before and I'll say it again: Social Darwinism was never + used to its full potential in the late 1800's. If it had been, we'd have + culled the herd and gotten rid of all the stupidity in the United States. + But until people learn that we need to line stupid people up outside the + White House and let the geniuses of the world have at it with an AK-47 + assault rifle, the world will be full of little Stinkslits, spawning from + Bath & Body Works stores and acquiring their entire vocabulary from back + issues of Y&M and Seventeen. + + The cognitive proletariats are rising, my brethren. And we are + powerless to stop them. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #211 -- written by RM -- 3/15/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0212.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0212.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..081fb510 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0212.txt @@ -0,0 +1,65 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #212 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Let Me Out of My Cellar" << + by -> Gangsta Spanksta + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I know that you love me but how come do I have to stay in the cold + dark cellar all the time? I wanna go outside and smell the flowers. I want + to go out and watch the clouds reflect off the water. I want to swim and + frolic through the woods. But no! You keep me locked up down here all the + time. + + It's so cold down here that I always shiver as my naked body rests + against the rock walls. Look my lips are blue and goose bumps cover my + body. Why are yo so mean to me? Don't I do everything you ask for? I love + you, you know. But you never return any of my affections. Can't you for + one time in your life show me that you love me back? + + Please let me out. I promise I won't run. I promise to be yours + forever I just want to feel the sun touch my skin one more time. It has + been so long you know. So very long. I just wanna go out and play with the + other children you know. Please, just this one time? + + Down here, I am always by myself. You hardly come down here anymore. + I try to imagine other friends but even they just end up leaving me. I just + get lonely down here talking to myself. There are just so many games I can + play in an empty cellar. + + Look I have become dirty from all this dust down here. Let me go out + so I can wash myself. You always complain about how I look you know. I + look a whole lot better clean I think. Let me go out so I can see my + reflection in the creek. Its been so long since I have seen myself. How + many years will you keep me down here? + + You always promise me when we play your little games that some day + you let me outside. How come you never keep your promises to me? You + whisper in my ear that you love me and then you just lock that great big + door in my face. I bang against it for hours begging you to let me out. + But then you are long gone and I give up and collapse in my corner. + + I cry then wondering if you are just playing with my feelings. I + wonder how you can do such mean things to me when you are supposed to love + me. I always try to come up with excuses for the things you do. But + sometimes I can't come up with one and just give up. I look at these walls + and make a quick prayer that someday, maybe just for a second I will be set + free. + + Oh no! Don't be displeased with me. I'm sorry that I questioned + your love. I'm sorry that I bitch so much about going out. I won't do it + anymore. I promise. Please just don't beat me. I'll be a good little boy + and do what you say... Please! + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #212 - written by Gangsta Spanksta - 3/15/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0213.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0213.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..78ad4216 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0213.txt @@ -0,0 +1,45 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #213 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The Poem Of Orality" << + by -> Alternative Rocks + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Date: Sat, 1 Mar 1998 23:31:19 -0500 + From: Alternative Rocks + To: mogel + Subject: Hello. + + The Poem Of Orality + ------------------- + + Suck and blow, + To and fro. + And before ya know, + There ya go ! + + --- + + Send this to 10 people that you think need blow-jobs, or you will + never get good oral sex EVER !!!! + + --- + + Jeff + AltRocks@op.net + ICQ UIN: 1641277 + + "Will you follow me into fire ?" -Valen- + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #213 - written by Alternative Rocks - 3/15/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0214.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0214.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..92f5b23a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0214.txt @@ -0,0 +1,136 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #214 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Two Short Stories" << + by -> ANdz0oey + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + 1. _Walking Home_ + + standing outside of school and waiting for some kid to pull out his + knife and just slash open your stomach, yeah, i would feel the same way, + even though the kid wasn't brandishing a knife at that moment, his hands + were just in his pockets. he was walking with me, telling me about his GTX + bike. i didn't want to talk to the kid; i would've rather just strolled + home by myself. he was short, with a pretend smile that showed that he + wasn't someone to let you go without some kind of confrontation. it wasn't + so much what he looked like; he was pretty short, but it was just that + smile. He hated me, and i didn't know why. He said i was a dork, a nerd, + you know, because i was smart and everything. The thing was, this kid was + smart too. + + school was always over at two-forty, and it took about twenty minutes + to walk home. the day we were hopping along, the two of us, he was still + telling me about this bike of his. we were on the macadam lot adjacent to + the church, which we had to cross to get to our housing development. i + always felt like shit whenever i walked home, because i knew that the kid + would eventually have to say something mean to me. with some guys, it's all + right when you're alone with them; they won't make fun of you because no one + is around for them to show off for. this kid wasn't like that, not in any + way. + + it was spring, although you couldn't tell, it seemed more like + summer. the sky was still cloudy gray after it had rained the night before, + and the gravel we usually kick when we're walking along was washed away + somewhere. we got to the tiny patch of grass between the lot and the little + road that winds by the development, and the kid stopped to tie his shoe. i + didn't know if i should stay or what, because it looks kind of stupid when a + person is waiting for another person to tie his shoe. i waited, though, + because it would have probably looked worse if i ended up walking home + alone, without anybody to talk to. + + the development was pretty crowded; all of the houses were bunched up + together on this tiny road. the sidewalk was darker than usual, on account + of the rain, and all of the trash cans were out because it was trash day. + you could tell who put out their trash can the night before, because some + rain would still be on the lid. i knew that when i got home my can would be + dry as hell. i never could remember to take the trash out. + + all this while, the kid hadn't said anything to me. it was just us + two walking along, side by side, with no conversation whatsoever. i was + still afraid he was going to say something, anything, about me or my mom or + something else, but i was sort of relieved, because i was already halfway + home. i didn't feel that bad, either, because i usually expect to be + ridiculed on the way home, and nothing at all had happened yet. once in a + while, we'd kick a trash can or something like that, and maybe some old lady + would yell at us, telling us that we were disgracing our Catholic school + uniforms. we were, but nobody can expect a person to walk idly by when a + plastic receptacle is in their way. some things are just made for people to + kick, especially stones and trash cans. + + the kid's house was coming up now. we both hated each other, but i + guess we were friends or something like that. so the kid invites me over to + his mailbox. "Look at this," he says. + + "What?" it was a bike magazine. he was holding it, looking at the + ads. + + "I'm gonna get those hydraulics." + + "Yeah, fuck you." i walked the rest of the way home by myself. + + --- + + 2. _Me Vs. God_ + + she mumbled something like "I'll pray to you," or maybe it went a + little differently (because the words she spoke just don't make sense the + way i remember them). it didn't make me feel one bit better, anyway. i + hung the telephone up exactly the way i would've if i were mad, you know, + slamming it as if that was the best way i could express my emotions, and + desiring that the person on the other end would feel every drop of the rage + that filled me. we didn't speak together for long; her friends were calling + every five minutes trying to cheer her up. (i was probably more depressing + than most others, hence the brief, silent conversation we shared.) she + wanted me to come to the funeral, but i hoped that she needed me there. (i + tend to act selfish at the worst imaginable moments.) + + her sister had died earlier in the morning, and it was later in the + night now, a small bit rainy. it didn't matter how it was outside, + anyway -- my room was void of light, still i didn't feel like turning on any + of the three lamps that were usually glowing brightly at this time. so i + was sitting on a pillow with lots on my mind, and i had to be crying. the + thing was, i didn't feel sad at all, just very angry. i hated God, hated + everything that He had done, and refused to accept what He had in store for + all of us. my faith wasn't something that i had questioned before; it was + like "here's God, He reminds me of Santa Claus, and maybe if i pray to Him + every day he'll give me some presents." (God is good to those who are nice + to Him.) but immature answers didn't work in the present state of my life, + so why bother to believe at all? i would've felt better if God was one big + fucking lie, but the truth of his existence made it so much worse...yeah, + here's something intangible that you blindly believe in that's supposed to + be just and fair and peaceful and then, without a concrete reason, this God + of ours goes and kills indiscriminately. maybe there's something better + after life, but for the happiness of one soul, we must pay a fortune with + the torment of those who have been left behind. like me. + + i lifted myself off of the floor and cried a little more. it was + very late, yet i didn't feel much like falling asleep. i wanted to accept + things...but everything was so difficult. It's just that whenever people + are confused, i try really hard to clear everything up, spotless as a + crystal-clean lake, no matter how stupid or badly constructed my explanation + is. maybe God wasn't like me...still, i wanted to feel better; consolation + was as essential to me as to those who truly needed it. but it's not like + the Bible has any moment of help for anyone. (i mean, half the goddamn book + is some story about an anguished farmer or maybe a psalm about how good the + king is to all of his subjects - lots of guidance, right?) so i just stood + and wept. not sure of anything anymore, i thought maybe i'd give up and go + to sleep. my head hit the wall as my body fell back. i looked in the + spotty mirror that had been hanging in the corner for so long, just to see + if i was allright or not. The glass surface didn't reveal much; there + wasn't any kind of deity staring back at me, offering His hope...just a + tear-stained face wishing that everything didn't have to be so fucking + complicated. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #214 -- written by ANdz0oey -- 3/15/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0215.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0215.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..de1a7f39 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0215.txt @@ -0,0 +1,45 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #215 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Why Valentine's Day Sucks" << + by -> Muze + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I hate Valentine's Day. Now don't go making stupid comments like, + "She's just lonely.." and stuff like that. Cuz no I'm not. I'm on a very + stable, good-for-me relationship. For once in my life. Valentines Day just + sucks cuz it does. It was made to make life more difficult. Always got to + get the right gift, can't forget anyone, those stupid little V-Day cards + with Tweety Bird and shit on them. Valentines Day also gives boys an excuse + to treat you like shit for the year, and then redeem themselves on this + special joyous occasion. + + I just can't understand how they could make a day designated as the + "tell him/her you love them" day. shouldn't that be every day?? Why isn't + there a Black Angel of Death day?? the day designated as the "tell everyone + you hate them and what you really think of them" day. that would be so much + more fun you can still have make-up sex too....... don't get me wrong, i + love romance, but I just don't get why there's only one day that i'm + actually not invisible to all those lonely heart broken boys out there + looking for a decent lay. Not that I'd help these poor pathetic creatures, + but, well, I dunno what my point is. + + anyways, I think Valentines Day sucks. + + I have to share a room with another girl. she has a boyfriend. It's + hard to have a romantic evening with your boyfriend when you've got this + girl and her boyfriend making out on the bed next to yours. Actually it's + very disgusting, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #215 -- written by Muze -- 3/15/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0216.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0216.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b352f4a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0216.txt @@ -0,0 +1,485 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #216 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Alfheim Fuzes with Tlorah" << + by -> Ilsundal & Rattle + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + $$$ $$$ + $$$ $$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$ $$$P****?$$$**$$ $$$$$$ + $$$o***o***"^T' ,g%g, `T $8*--*?$$$$P****aqy$"^y**o*oyyo*ooyy + ü' ,g#p, $$$$$ ,g#Q@, `$' ,g%g, `$y%$ ,g, ,g, `4 + $$$$$ $$$$P $$$$$$ ' $$$$P ' ' $$$ $$$$ + , !$$$P yy$$$@%y$ $$$$$P , *myyyu%@, , $$$y%$$$$ + $$@%uuu%uuu%ummm$$$$$$$$$%u$$$$$$m%$$@%mm$$$$$$%u$uu$$$$$$$$$uu + + ..fuses with.. + + ______________ ______ ________ ______ ___ + \ / | / \/ |/ \_/ |___ + \/ \/ |___| Oo | : | o | | \ + / \ | | `--' | |__| | \ + \_______/_______/ \______/\_____| \___| |_____| / + ==============] tHe lAnd oF rApe + h0ney [====== ³____/ === `---'====(gh)=== + | + + TABLE OF CONTENTS: + + 1. "The Digital Underground in a Nutshell" +- by Ilsundal + 2. "History of Alfheim Systems" +- by the elves of Alfheim + 3. "Alfheim, that sounds familiar, what is it?" +- by multiple authors + 4. "Tlorah, Could Jesus Have done Better?" +- through the eyes of the norm + 5. "The Mission of the Alfheim Network" +- by Ilsundal + 6. "This is the Present" +- by Rattle + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The digital underground in a nutshell, By Ilsundal + + +-(1)- - + + The Alfheim Network's primary function from present to beyond will be to + act as a host for scene unity. When referring to the "scene" we're talking + about four major areas which brought together the digital underground; + these areas include (but are not limited to) the art, hp, zine, and demo + scene. + + The art scene was extremely significant during the BBS era, for without it, + our bulletin boards would lack style, and taste. Countless numbers of + underground ANSI graphics were constantly being pumped out from art groups + such as ACiD, iCE, Blade, CiA, Union, Spastic, etc. I don't know how we + could have gotten by if it wasn't for these wonderful doodle boys. + + What fun is computing without a little digital terrorism? The h/p scene + (which stands for hacking, and phreaking) has been around since the dawn of + computing. According to Webster's dictionary, the definition of "hacker" is + described as, "One who enjoys the intellectual challenge of creatively + overcoming or circumventing limitations," which I find best describes the + word. Hackers do not exist to crash your computer, destroy your data, or + implant viruses on your system; as Dagmar of SE2600 once put it, "We call + those people criminals." Hackers are usually information gatherers, + security buffs, unix geeks , or any combination of the three. Organizations + such as 2600, l0pht, DoS, and others are compiled of everyday hackers who + share information about computer security in order to make this world a + safer, and more secure place. + + The zine scene (referring to electronic and/or independent paper magazines) + is probably one of the most significant of the four scenes, for without + the zine scene, most of our scene history may have been lost. Zines + targeted a large array of categories such as humor, information, and + editorials for all of the four scenes. Electronic magazines such as Cult of + the Dead Cow, Fucked up College Kids, Doomed to Obscurity, Beyond the + Horizon, Jonas, and Phrack are all good examples of the underground scene's + best work in the zine department. + + Last, but most certainly not least, the demo scene, which included tracking, + loaders, and the amazing use of the programming language assembly, provided + invaluable resources to BBS sysops, art groups, and e-zines. The demo scene + contained a bulk of the DOS coders who could easily whip up an art viewer, + bbs loader, or an e-zine viewer which would make some commercial coders + shiver. Groups such as Future Crew, and Phluid completely maximized the + potential of the IBM PC, and Sound Blaster. + + +-- - + + History of Alfheim Systems, by the elves of Alfheim + + +-(2)- - + + Alfheim, the name alone, has always provided some form of public service + ranging from electronic zines, to low-level internet service providing. The + first public access system to wield the name Alfheim, would be the infamous + Alfheim Forest Bulletin Board System. At it's peak, it controlled the + entire southern 908/609 area, providing all of it's digital and underground + needs. + + Come the dawning of the internet, the local BBS scene started to wither, so + Alfheim Forest swallowed it by flipping the switch off forever, before the + BBS scene simply burned out. It was time to do something new, it was time + to do something adventurous, it was time to install LINUX! Wiping the sweat + off our brows, we said goodbye to the DOS days forever, and proceeded with + the installation of Slackware 2.2.0. + + As any novice Unix administrator, we were hacked, we hacked others, and were + just grasping the feel of this complex operating system. Our system now had + a presence on a large TCP/IP network known as the internet, and we were + known as alfheim.csionline.com. + + After acquiring a feel for the Unix operating system, our sole, and chief + administrator Joe Gruppuso (aka: Ilsundal) acquired employment at a local + Internet Service Provider, CSI Online Services. During this period, his + skills and abilities grew stronger, and finally decided to register the + domain alfheim.net. Our primary machine was now sitting on a 1024 KPS + frame-relay connection (as opposed to our prior 28800 connection), and was + stronger then ever. + + The time at CSI Online services was well spent; Joe Gruppuso discovered and + learned many things, but it was time to move on. Packing up his bags, and + leaving behind everything he's ever known, it was time to start a new + project. This project consisted of constructing a commercial internet + service provider, the right way, in a non saturated internet region; that + region being Murfreesboro, TN. + + The heart of the Alfheim Network presently resides in beautiful + Murfreesboro, Tennessee and is sitting on a point-to-point 1.536 MPS + connection to the internet. We've recently taken a new outlook on Alfheim's + mission, and are preparing a plan for scene unity once again. + + +-- - + + Alfheim, that sounds familiar, what is it?, by multiple authors + + +-(3)- - + + Aside from being a piece of digital history, the word "Alfheim" is also a + piece of Norse mythical history. For a much more clear understanding on + Norse culture, lets present some background. + + The Norse story of creation: + + In the beginning, there was only an open void, called Ginnungagap. The first + world to come into existence was Muspelheim, a land of fire. This land was + located in the Southern part of Ginnugap. The second world to come into + existence was Niflheim. Located in the Northern part of Ginnungagap, it was + a land of swirling fog and ice. Eleven rivers flowed down from Niflheim. + Eventually, the cold ice from Niflheim met the warm air of Muspelheim. Life + formed from the ice that melted. The first creature was Ymir, a huge frost + giant. A giant cow, audhumla, was also created from the thawed ice. An + evil creature, Ymir drank from the rivers of milk formed by Audhumla. When + Ymir slept, he sweated. From the moisture in his left armpit, a male and + female frost giant were formed. They became the parents of the frost giant + race. For nourishment, Audhumla constantly licked a salty block of ice. In + a day, a head of hair appeared in this block. After the next day, the entire + head became visible. The third day, the entire male, Buri, emerged from the + block of ice. He had a son named Bor, who married Bestla, a frost giant. + These two had three sons -- Odin, Ve, and Vili. These three sons became the + first Norse gods. Odin, Ve, and Vili worked together to kill the evil Ymir. + A huge amount of blood flowed from his wounds, creating a flood which killed + all the frost giants except two. A male and a female had climbed into a + boat to save themselves, and they became parents of the next race of frost + giants. The earth was fashioned by the gods, from the corpse of Ymir's + body. Each of Ymir's bodyparts were used in different ways to create the + earth. The land called Jotunheim was given to the frost giants, and the + land called Midgard was given to the human beings who would eventually live + there. The stars were created by sparks from Muspelheim. The sun and the + moon were also created from Muspelheim, and a wolf is chasing each one of + them, forcing them to move across the sky. The gods created humans when + they came upon two trees. Ask, the first male, was made from an ash tree. + Embla, the female, was created from an elm tree. Odin gave them blood and + the breath of life. Vili gave them understanding and the power of movement. + Ve gave them shape and the ability to hear, see, and speak. Yggdrasil (no, + not the Linux distribution) is the name given to a huge ash tree. Sometimes + called the world tree, it has three great roots. One lies in Niflheim, one + in Jotenhiem, and one in Asgard, the home of all the gods. + + Listed below are the nine worlds associated with Norse mythology: + + Asgard - The abode of the Aesir and the Vanir after the two tribes + were at peace. + Midgard - The abode of humans. It means middle earth, or middle + garden. + Vanaheim - The abode of Vanir before the peace. + Alfheim - The abode of the light elves and their ruler, Frey. + Niflheim - A region of cold. Hel's realm is here (in some sources). + Hel - The land of the dead. The way to this realm was through + the land of the mountain giants. The connection between + this and Niflheim is confusing. Hel is also the goddess of + the underworld. + Jotunheim - The abode of the Jotuns -- giants. + Muspelheim - A region of fire. The fire giants -- sons of muspel -- + live here, ruled by Surt. + Svartalfheim - The abode of the dark elves. It is underground. + Nidavellir - The abode of the dwarves. + + Some background on Alfheim specifically: + + Alfheim ("elf home"), in Norse mythology, is one of the nine worlds and also + one of the twelve realms. It is located on the highest level of the Norse + universe. Alfheim is also the palace of the god Frey and the homeland of + the elves of light. Frey is the god of sun and rain, and patron of + bountiful harvests. He is both a god of peace as well as a brave warrior. + He is also the ruler of the elves. Frey is the most prominent and most + beautiful of male members of the Vanir, and is called 'God of the World'. + After the merging of the Aesir and the Vanir, Frey is called 'Lord of the + Aesir'. Much of the Norse myths have been lost over time. In the few myths + we know of today neither the elves of light nor the elves of darkness + participate in any of the events described in the Norse myths. Elves do, + however, have active roles in the literature of quite a few of the other + branches of Indo-European mythology. + + Ragnarok, the end of the world: + + The first sign that Ragnarok, the end of the world, is approaching will be + the death of Balder. Loki will play a great part in his death. For revenge, + the gods will lock him in a cave. For three years, war will be waged + throughout the world. Evil will run wild upon the earth, which after the + three years will lie in ruin. Next, there will be three years of continuous + winter bringing endless snow and hardship. The wolfs who are chasing the + sun and moon will eventually catch them. The sun and moon will be + swallowed. Surt, Ruler of Muspelheim, will tear apart the heavens with his + scorching flames, causing the blazing stars to fall upon the earth. The + tremendous earthquakes that result will free Loki, and other evil creatures + that have been imprisoned. These creatures will join with the frost giants + for the final great battle. They will battle the gods. Fighting on the + side of the gods will be 960 noble warriors who have died, but have been + bought back for this final battle. Nevertheless, the high gods and the + warriors are slain. Also dead are Loki, and other monsters. The entire + earth will be set ablaze. Facing their destiny, the doomed human race will + join the dead in Hel. Then the devastated earth will fall into the sea. + However, the earth will rise from the sea once again, fresh and renewed. + Several of the gods that survived will return. Balder will also return from + Hel. Two human beings, who managed to survive the great fire and flood by + hiding in the branches of the World Tree, will be the parents of the next + human race. Evil will have left the earth. + + +-- - + + Tlorah, Could Jesus have done better?, by the eyes of the normal. + + +-(4)- - + + The history of Tlorah starts long before it was given a name. A BBS is not + a static thing, the history of one (and anything thereafter) is a product of + it's Sysop. So this is where the story begins. + + Nick Levay's path down the road to digital stardom started around age nine + when he was given the three objects that would lead him for the rest of his + life: A computer, a guitar, and an ego. He learned to use two of them + quite proficiently. The computer sat pretty much ignored until a modem was + connected to it. Nick tried calling a few BBS's with his computer system, + but was unable to really enjoy doing so because its 110 baud modem was quite + limiting, even by the standards of the early 80's. When this system + mysteriously broke one day, an Apple IIc with a blazing 1200 baud modem was + introduced. Shortly after, the handle of "Spade Rattle" was adopted. This + came from a stage name used in a really pathetic Jr. High punk band Nick + pretended to be able to play that guitar in. Eventually, this was shorted + to Rattle. Around 1992, Rattle slowly took over Nick and his phone line and + became obsessed with the then booming BBS community in the 908 (NJ) area. + + Well into 1993, Rattle was geeking up a storm on his rockin Apple IIc. + Rattle spent most of his online time reading text files from local ezines + (although the term zine wasn't applied to such publications in the 609/908 + area Rattle frequented until 1994) such as The Lawless Society and Phoenix + Modernz. Rattle was limited to this, reading message bases, and playing + some online games occasionally due to his Apple computer which was only + capable of downloading uncompressed text in ascii transfers. The Apple IIc + blew up in much the same fashion as the IBM PcJr, and a new 486/sx25 and a + 2400 baud modem was acquired. Now having computer capabilities never before + possessed, Rattle was introduced to something he had always dreamed of. + Warez. This is when Tlorah was born. + + The system was named after some album by some band he just happened to be + listening to while unzipping Renegade for first time. After finally + figuring out what the hell a "Fossil Driver" was, the part time warez board + called Tlorah was born. After the novelty of free software wore off, Rattle + went back to what got him addicted to the computer in the first place: Text + files (now called zines his his area) and good message bases. As he became + more involved with the scene around him and the people in it, he knowledge + level and maturity slowly grew. + + Several years passed, many people came and went. Several "modem + generations" passed and after a while time caught up. Tlorah had become a + very well respected system, with content filled message bases, over 15 + echonets (sidenote: To this day, no other BBS system has been found that + had more message activity. This excludes FidoNet systems, which for the + most part contained nothing but junk), a hoard of really good users, several + nodes, hacked 800 numbers, multiple gigs of storage, and all the fixings + that go along with it. + + At that time, it wasn't uncommon. There were tons of systems like Tlorah. + The sysops were pretty much obsessed with making their system "the best". + Looking back at what various sysops went through, its quite insane. Rattle + spend well over $500 a month out of his own pocket paying for hardware and + phone bills, even with the incredible amount of phreaking and carding going + on. In that world, being under 18 was enough to make you feel invincible. + + Having turned 18, all that came to a end real quick. It's one thing to be + put on probation if you get caught phreaking up a storm, its a completely + different thing to be put in jail. In the time before the Internet + was in its glory, no long distance calling = no fun. That, and the killer + of all BBS systems came: k0lledge. + + Tlorah had reached its first peak. And then on August 14, 1995, Rattle + pulled the plug on BBS. + + Rattle went to this little piss ant town called Murfreesboro, just south of + Nashville in TN. He enrolled in Middle Tennessee State University's + Recording Industry program, and being a techie in nature, excelled in the + program. His first year in TN, Rattle suffered a lot from computer + withdraw. He pretty much spend the entire first semester there learning + as much as possible about unix and drinking way more than anyone should. + Even so often an attempt was made to abandon computers because it "just + wasn't fun anymore." + + After finding much success in the music industry Rattle decided he hated it + even more and went back to computers. After several late night discussions + with long time friend Joe Gruppuso (Ilsundal) about how the online community + they both were a part of had turned to complete shit, they decided it was + time to do something. While Alfheim (Ilsundal's freenet) was quite active, + it wasn't enough. It completely lacked the sense of community that had + gotten the both of them into computers in the first place. The Internet, + while an amazingly powerful media, Sucked. At least it did in the eyes of + Rattle, Ilsundal, and many others they spoke with. Many of which were the + people who had large parts in running sections of it. + + Something had happened. All the sysops had become sysadmins, and largely, + no one was happy with it. Going back was pointless and impossible. We + couldn't change. The Internet could. Its a dynamic medium, we create it as + we go along. We always have. And we will continue to. That's the past. + + The Mission of the Alfheim Network, by Ilsundal + + +-(5)- - + + The Alfheim Network along with Tlorah, Children of the Cron, has recently + fused together in order to create the ultimate essence of scene unity, and + has accepted the responsibility of preserving digital culture. It's time + to "give something back" to the computing world, and create a home for the + very culture that has forged us into the people we are today. + + The Alfheim Network, previously being compromised of a series of daughter + Unix machines each representing one of the four natural elements (fire, + water, wind, and earth), has been elected to perform the "Then and Now" + side of this project. Currently, the only remaining machine on the + Alfheim Network is Fire, which is of course, the heart of the Alfheim + Network. Our current objective is to find three more suitable Unix + machines to represent the three missing elements. Each of the four + elements will represent a vital function of the digital underground, and + act as a host to provide archives, information, humor, and history of it's + particular scene. + + The element "water" has been chosen to represent the art scene, for the + non-stop creativity of these guys flows like a raging river. The element + "fire" was given to the hacking/phreaking scene, for the intellect and + determination of these highly educated legends burns bright like a raging + inferno. The element "earth" has been casted upon the zine scene, for it + provides housing for all of the other scenes, just like mother earth. The + element "wind" has been chosen for the demo scene, for the beautiful music, + and graphics arising from this area are as whimsical as the almighty wind. + + As previously stated, The Alfheim Network is currently seeking three other + Unix machines to play the roles of water, earth, and wind. The requirements + for these machines are as follows: + + + Computer running a Unix variant Operating System + + 128k ISDN uplink (or higher) + + Self sufficient Unix Administrator + + Static IP address, and successful reverse resolution capability for + given hostname. + + A love for the underground scene, and it's history + + If you meet these requirements, and are interesting in participating in + this project, please leave e-mail to ilsundal@alfheim.net immediately with + your system statistics, operating system type, and a brief background on + yourself. + + Also, we're looking for a plethora of talented folk who would like to aid + in this large undertaking; html ninjas, ansi/ascii logoists, coders, vga + photoshop rabbits, please, inquire within. If you have any ability that + you feel would be useful, defiantly send some e-mail over to + ilsundal@alfheim.net describing it with no hesitation. + + +-- - + + This is the Present, by Rattle + + +-(6)- - + + Welcome. Welcome to the Internet. You can now access information from + anywhere in the world, talk to people thousands of miles away, and + communicate in ways impossible until now. We have our quick-cam-video + conferences, our super blazing multimedia sound, and instant responses to + any malformed though we enter in a chat box. It's a perfect mirror to + society. We can see the ad banners so clearly. We know what to buy. We + know where the porn we all want to see is. The naked teenage girls are just + a click away. And while it's all going on, you can email your mom in + another window just to say "I love you!" + + How fucking great. What's missing? Hell, all this is only costing me + $19.95 a month! I love it! + + Why the sarcastic tone you ask? Well, its simple. Remember back in High + School (I don't care if you are 19 or 91, you will understand this) when the + world was small and you had a sense of community that you always knew you + felt comfortable in? It was pretty cool wasn't it? You thought you had + real problems at the time, it all seemed like such shit. And at the time it + really was, you would have done anything to get out of it. Then finally, + you got into the real world (or at least college) and all the advantages of + it were perfectly clear. You were free. Of course, this came with real + responsibility, but it was still better. A few years went by, and you just + wish you could go back to high school and visit. See the same people, do + the same things, only knowing what you know now. You certainly would not + want to say, just visit. Well, you can't. It's tough shit. Live with it + sucker. + + Now, this is somewhat like the old computer underground scene. In fact, + its almost EXACTLY like the old computer underground scene. Only there is + one supreme difference. You can go back, and take what you have now with + you. Unlike my high school example, Digital Culture has absolutely nothing + to do with passing a bump on a time line. It is "Culture". And culture + cannot die, but it certainly can be overlooked or forgotten. This is our + mission. To preserve Digital Culture. No, wait. Let me expand upon that + a little. To preserve Digital Culture, and great a place for it to blossom. + + "Errr... Isn't that already happening?" + + Nope. That's a TV commercial, change the channel. + + Remember what I said above about how culture can be overlooked or forgotten? + Well, let us focus on the "overlooked" portion of that for a moment. + Because thats what's happening here. The portion of Digital Culture that's + being overlooked is, for lack of a better word, the underground. Things + like the zine scene, the art scene, the hacking scene (which is grossly + misunderstood in the media and the public eye), and the demo scene. Most + people don't even know they exist. + + Even since I was a child, I have always been interested in culture. I + always dug all that stuff on the Discovery Channel, National Geographic + Magazine and other things of the sort that showed me distant far off places. + Although, I think the ones that always interested me the most where the ones + that showed things "close to home" that I just never really though about. + There can be a booming culture of some sort right in front of you, and you + can easily dismiss it.. Sometimes its really cool when someone shows it to + you. + + "Hmmm... I think I see where you are going with this." + + About time... + + Well. That's the overall mission of this project. To show you something. + And in the process, give that something a home and allow it to grow. + + It is time for us, The Children of the Cron, to take back the land which + has been poisoned. It was ours, and it will be ours again. We are just + looking for a few good geeks. + + Interested? + + Love, + Rattle + + +-- - + + Please direct all feed back to ilsundal@alfheim.net and/or + rattle@tlorah.net. Don't bother visiting our web sites, for they are + extremely out of date, and lacking content; again, if you feel you have + some form of ability that you can offer to aid with this project, don't + hesitate to send of some e-mail to your 'ol friend Ilsundal here with + exactly what that ability is, and what you're exactly interested in doing. + Also, if you have any "ideas" which you would like to present, feel free + to let us know! + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #216 - written by Ilsundal & Rattle - 3/19/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0217.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0217.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a990a003 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0217.txt @@ -0,0 +1,89 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #217 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Non-condition" << + by -> ANdz0oey + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + my little brother sits listening, eyes-wide and innocent. + i go on: + + "hey matthew, you know why josef stalin didn't win the nobel peace + prize?" + "why?" + "'cause he was such a modest fucking guy. really. you know, they + even tried dragging the poor fellow way up to a podium, so this group of + wealthy and important guys could go and hand him over the statuette, and the + cash prize, and whatever else they had for him. but when they haul him all + the way the hell up to center stage, and there's a microphone on and + everything...guess what happens?" + "what?" + "it's funny...stalin was like: 'oh, god, i simply do not deserve + this. i just don't! and even though i'm such an ardent humanitarian and + all, i just cannot accept the statuette, or the prize money, or anything + else, for that matter. i'd like all of you committee members to just kindly + pass everything on to someone who really is worthy of the honor. + good-night, and thank you.' and that was that. and so the nomination went + to some peace protester or something. but, you know, stalin really + should've gotten it." + + my brother giggles. he thoroughly believes the entire story. + "go do your homework," i tell him. + he goes. + + i feel more depressed than alone. it's overwhelming. + + "matthew... hey matt?" i call into his room. + "what?" + "c'mere for a little bit... i want to talk." + he slowly walks over. + "alright, sit down." + he immediately does. + + "ok, mmm, huh... alright, you know who jesus chri--i mean abraham + lincoln was?" the poor kid wouldn't have any idea who jesus christ was. + "yeah," matt answers. "he freed all of the niggers." + "no... goddamnit matt, he freed the slaves. the slaves! not the + niggers." + matthew thinks a little. "i thought that was stalin." + "no...no...nevermind about stalin, ok? lincoln, not stalin." + "ok." + "well, remember what lincoln said? you know, about love and all?" + "no." matthew says softly. + "well, alright, lincoln said...um...something like: 'do unto others + as they'd do unto you.' you know, kind of like: 'be nice to everyone,' I + guess. + "uh-huh." extraordinarily, he has a faint recollection of the truth + of my statement. + I go on: "yeah, and what he said about the system...you know, the + system? the government and everything? he said: 'fuck authority...fuck + ignorance...fuck hatred...'" + + matthew giggles. + "no, matt, i'm serious. completely. lincoln wanted everybody to + love each other. he wrote down all of these great ideas..um, in the + bible...the new testament...and they're so beautiful. they're wonderful, + matt. maybe you'll read 'em some time. + "but the main thing to remember, here, is that lincoln tried to tell + the world about peace...and reform...but they didn't listen. they kind of + yelled at him...and mocked him...and they ended up crucifying him. putting + him on a cross. they just wouldn't listen to what he was trying to say. + and it sucks. but, you've got to listen matt...really. ok? you + listening?" + "yeah." + + he doesn't understand... but he will. + i'm going to tell him the same story tomorrow. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #217 -- written by ANdz0oey -- 3/19/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0218.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0218.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..34e8d4b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0218.txt @@ -0,0 +1,66 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #218 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "mp3's Rule!!!!!" << + by -> Skinhorse + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I just discovered something really cool it is called mp3. it sounds + just like a Cd but it's not a cd!! They are little files like 4 megs. People + are always ripping thes mp3's and offering them on l33t channels like + #mp3files! THEY RULE! I will never had to buy another cd again!! + + The way I discovered this cool file was by when one of my l33t4ss + friends send me an msg on irc. he said, "hey have you heard the BARBIE GIRL + song" and I said "no." So he sends a dcc send and I said, "what the hell is + this???" and he says "It's an mp3" and I said "What the hell is an mp3?" + so he told me! (my friend is l33t but he is not an ASSHOLE like a lot of + l33t p33pl3@#$) Now I am hooked, I have almost as many mp3's as I have + warez and I have a LOT of WAREZ!!! + + I am filling up my hard drive right now with mp3's because that way I + can make kickass mix tapes for girls cause girls like mix tapes. Like right + now I am getting some Puff Daddy and Sugar Ray and some kickass TECHNO + stuff! I think I might start a DJ service and I would just bring my Cerwins + and my Packard Bell!!! That would be SO KICKASS and I would get all the + chicks and never have to ever buy music, I could just leech all the songs + and set up Winamp and then go get lots of PUSSY!!#$%^$! + + People are always offering cool stuff in the mp3 channels like people + will rip whole albums and stuff. and then if you really want to hear the + whole album you don't have to go BUY it, you just have to site there on a + modem and d/l the whole thing which kinda sucks but it is sure l33t3r than + spending $15++ for a cd that you don't know if you'll even like! Cause + sometimes you buy CDs, like I bought that Janet Jackson CD and it sucked + ass, but then somebody was offering like the whole album, so I d/led the + tracks I liked and sold the disc to some dumass who has a locker close to + me!! Now I don't even have to hit skip on the shitty tracks on my cd player + I just play the good songs over and over. + + Seomtimes people offer dumb stuff on #mp3files. I don't know who + would want to waste a download on stuff they havent head of, who the FUCK is + STABBING WESTWARD anyhow?!! I wish I had ops so I could kick their asses!!! + But most p33pl3 on the chan are really cool, they rip whole albums and + stuff. I f I ever get a l33t sh311, I'm going to start my own mp3 curry + group. Then I could help the SCENE and maybe get some mp3 distroz all the + time!@ Yesterday I ripped a track from my parent's Saturday Night Fever CD + and I sent it to my friend as a gift for showing me to mp3's. He loved it + and he said we should start a group so Ive been looking all over the damn + place on #shells, but so far I've just been ripped. Some guy told mme he had + a quotaless t1 and he mae me send Photoshop 4 for it, then he disappeard! I + WAS SO PISSED!!!! but I'm just gonna keep looking. We've already got a + kickass name picked out but I'm not gonna tell you whut it is! you'll find + out when we be 0\``|\|1|\|6 da sc3|\|3 1|\| '98. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #218 -- written by Skinhorse -- 3/19/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0219.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0219.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e8d77020 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0219.txt @@ -0,0 +1,90 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #219 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "BioWar: Not Just a Novel Idea" << + by -> Tom Adam + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + When you hear ebola, what do you think of? Some African disease, + right? Just some virus thing that kills people in Africa. Then you + contentedly sit down with your morning paper to drink coffee. Later you go + to LAX airport to pick up a friend from Gary, Indiana. You sit in the + terminal waiting for your flight, when some polite looking Arab comes + walking past you, and asks you the time. "Eleven-thirty," you would reply, + if that was what the time was. He'd smile friendly and walk off. Your + friend shows up, you go out for lunch, bring him home to the wife and kids. + Three days later you come down with the flu. Five days later you vomit + blood. Seven days later you're in the hospital. Nine days later the doctor + comes in, turns up the morphine drip, and tells you you have the ebola + virus. Eleven days later they put your body in a heavy rubber bag and + cremate you. + + All right, this can't happen. Ebola doesn't spread through the air, + aerosol they call it. Other diseases do, few as fatal as ebola, but fatal + enough. How would the virus get here? Well, do you remember that friendly + Arab, or maybe he would be Chinese, or African, or American, you couldn't + tell. That friendly person came from some country where he (or she, we must + be fair to those dying of infectious diseases) got infected, got on a plane, + infected everyone on the plane, then they infected everyone they came near, + and so on. Of course then, two days later the hospitals start filling up, + then twelve days later, people start dying. And it all started out looking + like the flu. + + I can see how you would be wondering, "Bio War? What does that have + to do with this article?" Simple. Imagine that friendly person who + infected you. Imagine the person who infected them. Imagine the sadistic + terrorist who infected himself. That sadistic terrorist got on an airplane + straight for the US. That sadistic terrorist (or, as his fellow psychopaths + would think, the brave martyr) willingly did this to himself, in order to + hurt us. + + It wouldn't be too hard. You don't have to take a week long physical + before getting on an international flight. So some country who has access + to infectious diseases, or a really clever engineering team and bio-chemical + weapons, could get anything into this country. + + It's a really great thing that there aren't any countries in this + world that would do such a bad thing. Certainly not Iraq. No sort of + terrorist, oh, sorry, freedom fighting regime could ever do that. + + But let's imagine, in some bizarre world, someone was crazy enough to + do that. What would we do? Would we all rush to the hospital to get the + vaccine? Sorry, pal, no vaccines for viruses. Would we contain the few + people who had the disease? If the person who chose to infect everyone else + (who shall hereafter be referred to as the infector) was smart, there would + be too many infected people (who shall henceforth be call infectees) to + contain all of them from any other people. + + A really smart infector would only have to walk through an airport to + get his job done. An international airport to get his message across really + well. He would then proceed to write a message saying what he did, and kill + himself outside of a TV station or newspaper, where it would get out right + away. And then what would we do? For the first few hours, while everyone + got the news, nothing. Then we would panic. Mass riots, fire-bombings, + fanatical religious conversions, that would be the next few days. After + that we would all settle down to wait for the end. + + But we wouldn't all die. Our paranoid reclusiveness probably saved + our lives, and now only a few percent of our population, say + twenty-thousand, died. Great, most of us lived. But that one "heroic + martyr" would be down in hell laughing for a few days saying everyone got + his message. + + Then the president gets smart and blows up the country the terrorist + came from. + + Too bad this is only in fantasy land, huh? It would be nice to have + a president that smart. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #219 -- written by Tom Adam -- 3/19/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0220.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0220.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c51895ae --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0220.txt @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #220 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "bOO- Teaches Me Finnish" << + by -> Mogel + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + mogel: paska = shit + mogel: saatanan paskapaa = fucking shithead + mogel: kyrpa=dick...vittu=pussy... + mogel: vittu=fuck + mogel: mina olen homo = I'm a faggot + mogel: saatanan hintti! = Fucking fag! + mogel: ass = perse + mogel: big = iso + mogel: opeta minulle suomea = teach me finnish =) + mogel: what a big ass you have my dear = mika iso perse sulla onkaan kultaseni + mogel: my dear = kultaseni + mogel: what = mika + mogel: a big ass = iso perse + mogel: kippis=cheers + mogel: olut=beer..viina=booze...krapula=hangover + mogel: pullo kossua, kiitos! = a bottle of koskenkorva, please. + saisinko kupin teeta? = could i have a cup of tea?-) + minul on kala taskus = I've got a fish in my pocket + mogel: viekaa minut johtajanne luo= take me to your leader + mogel: word=sana + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #220 -- logged by Mogel -- 3/19/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0221.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0221.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b9f9470a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0221.txt @@ -0,0 +1,141 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #221 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The Never-ending Story of Norman, a Guy Who + Hates Fishing and Eats A Lot of Haggis" << + by -> RM + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Part One + -------- + + Norman got up. It was a pretty average Sunday morning. He had a + pullover buzz from all the pot he'd been smoking the night before. It was a + good pullover, though - the kind that hummed and made him want to do shit. + Understanding that, it is logical that Norman would get out of bed and say + to himself, "I think I'll go do shit." Which is what he did. + + Norman went downstairs to the kitchen. He looked at the wall for a + long time. He didn't know why - he just liked the wall. Maybe it had + something to do with the massive grease stains etched into the plaster. + Eventually, his mother, who was also zoned out because she was taking a lot + of Prozac to recover from the death of her poodle, Mitzi, noticed him. + + "Good morning, hon," she said. "Want some haggis?" + + "Suck my ass it smells," said Norman. + + "Okay, hon." + + + Part Two + -------- + + Norman finished eating his haggis and headed out to go to the + supermarket. He had to buy more cow intestines and a nice juicy sheep's + heart so his mom could make him more haggis. On his way to the store, + Norman decided to smoke more pot. He loaded his bullet and finished off two + bowls before reaching the place which some might have denoted as a candidate + for quite possibly being the location where a man might have built a + structure that could be construed as a grocery store, i.e., supermarket. + + Inside the store, Norman saw a big isle filled with spatulas. Oh, + how he loved spatulas. You see, Norman had his own spatula at home that he + often used to lift his haggis from the pot. He preferred a spatula with + little holes in it, because it allowed the blood to drain out and gave him + pure, unadulterated, 100% haggis. Norman might have bought another spatula + then and there, but he couldn't because he only had just enough money to get + the animal guts. He *did* have his priorities, after all. + + As he neared the meat counter, many people stared at him with a + demeaning look. "Hee hee," they said, "it's the haggis boy!" Norman just + stared back and walked up to the counter. + + The guy who sold the haggis to him smiled and said, "Hee hee, haggis + boy, do you like eating haggis all the time?" + + "Suck my ass it smells," said Norman. + + "Hee hee, but why would I suck your ass? What does it smell like?" + + "Haggis." + + "Hee hee, why does it smell like haggis?" + + "Because I shove the haggis up my ass before I eat it." + + It was true. All true. Norman had what the doctors called a phallic + obsession. They said it had something to do with the way he was born. + Apparently when he came out of the womb, the doctor, while meaning to cut + the umbilical cord, had mistakenly lopped off about half his penis. They + had been able to repair the damage, but it was still a lot shorter than it + should have been. Ever since, though, he had grown a passion for putting + penis-shaped objects up his ass. He wasn't gay; he just liked sticking + things up his ass. It happens, ya know. It happens all the time. + + Norman grabbed his haggis and gave the evil man the money, then left + the store, but not before taking one last longing look at the spatulas. + + + Part Three + ---------- + + As Norman drove home, he started thinking about his car. He had a + decent enough car, he supposed. It was shiny and blue. It had no horns or + lights, however, but that was okay with him because it meant that when he + was out doing a drug deal at night he could cut off his lights and not worry + about people seeing him. The car also had a shitty sound system. The + speakers were really old and half busted, but he had a 5-disc changer in the + back that he used. He always had the same five CDs in it - Pieces Of You + (Jewel), The Craft soundtrack, Aenima (Tool), Breathless (Kenny G), and the + TMNT soundtrack. Needless to say, people made fun of Norman for his shitty + music. Girls thought he was a wussy boy. He didn't care. He preferred to + ride around and smoke pot while he listened to Kenny G than to get laid. + + About ten miles from his house, Norman saw a pond in a small patch of + woods. He decided to go out there and smoke another bowl before he went + home. He got out of the car, took his drugs and drug paraphernalia with + him, and sat on a large clump of fungus that was growing on a tree trunk. + As he was about to light his bowl, he heard sloshing sounds from the middle + of the little pond. It was a fisherman. + + Norman HATED fishermen. He was convinced they were evil. They + killed fish in the most evil way - by making them suffocate themselves to + death. Eating haggis was different, because the animal was already dead + when they got the organs, and besides, they killed the cows and sheep + quickly with a gun or knife; but killing and eating a fish was downright + cruel. A tear appeared in the corner of Norman's eye. He wiped it away and + threw his bowl down on the ground. + + "Hey, there, buddy," said the fisherman. "Come out here to fish?" + + "Suck my ass it smells," screamed Norman. + + The fisherman laughed and then said, "What's that, sonny? Your truck + has a bass smell? You musta been fishing alot!" + + "SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS!," he screamed again, a bit louder. + + "Oh! Well, then, have a nice day!" + + Norman grabbed his shit, walked slowly back to his car, finished his + bowl, listened to a few Jewel songs, and then went home. + + ---------- + + COMING SOON IN THE NEVER-ENDING STORY OF NORMAN: + + Norman goes to Disneyland. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #221 -- written by RM -- 4/3/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0222.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0222.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5de78284 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0222.txt @@ -0,0 +1,95 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #222 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "I Believe in God" << + by -> Captain Bovine + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I've been talking to a bunch of homeless wacko's that hang out in the + market area here in Ottawa, and picking up some of the fliers/newsletters + they have been passing out. Most of them are totally delusional, and some + are hillarious to read. + + I pick up up a lot of these.. hehe.. writing seems to be the most + popular hobby among the homeless here. I thought that they would make good + text files for whatever you wanted to use them for. + + Here's one.. it's from this big black guy who can barely speak.. nice + guy, but just strange. You don't get to see the random newspaper clipping + and pictures he's pasted to the page, or the barely ledgible hand writing, + but this is what he wrote, letter for letter... + + ---------- + + 2-25-98 + _I Believe in God_ + + People that a picture a book a like motor that don't make any + polution rune by it self is that hard to understand. No more Polutions. Do + you want to live. Do you want to pay tax and support Suprimiss. Is it hard + to understand that you don't need to pay tax. Do I have to make you ritte no + more tax a thouson time for you to wake up? Here are a fews exemple Canada + and United State. Look and read the picture. + + [] + + In canada the Gouve. pay the farmer to throw the milk away and look + at the price of milk. OH! did you see that it's not a milk cow. Do you see + 2 prices of beef in the store. Lesson carefully, now. If the Gouve. would of + give the money to the distributors instead there would be plenty cheape milk + to by. it's your tax I don't care I don't have to pay tax. Now stay with me. + The beef steer: fattened for food, fat in the meat is bad for your heart + plus you pay for the extra fat. Milk cow don't have extra fat the milk cow + has (2) two revenue, meat and milk a lot cheaper to by. They only did this + to kill the little farmers. Do you see the mad cow desiese in milk cow. + smal farm take care of there animals, and product. How you like that One. + + All party accuse eache other to fausly spending tax money. When they + run out of ideal, they accuse the banks or blame the bank for the lost of + the money value. It's the tax that make money depricated. They constantly + lie to you. There is no need at all for tax. Tax was invented by tiefs, and + became the way of life. They lie to eache other and to you read the papers. + If they talk tax they spin there wheel to keep you confuse it's there + strategy. People don't know witch way to go. Certaine religions has a lot to + do with the way you are also you never receive proper educations. + + NO TAX NO PROBLEMES. + + There is a election tup that's going on at the moment. April first is + the last day. If you have a farmer friend send them a copy. This world will + change. This is for all Countries, there is no need for miseries. For a few + number of suprimiss. Weak up people. This World is changing!!! + + The Pope send me an army of Cardinal and feather will fly!!! + + This is also what many Gouvernements are basse on and why you don't + receive proper education. To all the religions that believe in sin. I feel + it's my duty to informe you that you are wrong, but it is not my + resposability to save your soul is it your's preachers and worshippers to + explaine to the misconduct of sexual behavior, to explaine to them the super + ego-fonctions with or in relation to the sin, look at your clergy sexual + behavior. It is your soul. I Believe in God and respect people's mind, do + you understand that. The secular games of Rome!!! + + People we don't need to live in the danger of nucleare plant wastes + transportation, risk ect we don't need waste of land floding and power line + that kill bird eagle all sortes. People when time comme for the truth about + me and to see the guilty party let me know or ask for it. Again People + please make photocopies past them arround send them to friends and so on. + Translate them for other countries. If you like to send a donation send to + Anil Daigle 797 Somerset West st. suite 11 Ottawa Ontario Canada K1R 6R3 + + Your friend, Frenchie. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #222 -- written by Captain Bovine -- 4/3/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0223.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0223.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f6e1eecb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0223.txt @@ -0,0 +1,91 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #223 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "WE'RE ALL FUCKED!" << + by -> Mack + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hi, these are from my friend Mack. I know it's poetry, but it's + funny. He actually read these outloud in (mock)seriousness at a poetry + reading at my school (BTW, they're best if you read them with a Southern + Accent in mind). + + -- PezMonkey (Official h0e Translator) + + ---------- + + "FUCKED" + + F is for Fern who found her a book + She opened the pages to take her a look + But all of these pages were covered with lye + SHE DIED + + U is for Uma who dined at your Denny's + She ordered all she could for a fist full of pennies + What she got was a sewer rat, whole and deep fried + SHE DIED + + C is for Clarence whose mama was fat + She crushed something dead every time that she sat + So under an ass that was near 6 ft wide + HE DIED + + K is for Kevin who liked his sex kinky + A whip and a chain made him all hot and stinky + So alone in a bed, all bound, gagged and tied + HE DIED + + E is for Eunice who bungee jumped down + Off of a tower in the middle of town + but the cord snapped, and oh how she flied + SHE DIED + + D is for DuWayne who stewed in ennui + So he strung up a noose and climbed a tall tree + He jumped off the limb, and the rope didn't give... + BUT HE LIVED! + + WE'RE ALL FUCKED! + + ---------- + + "Chicken Soup For the Soul Reaped by Leviathan: + A Collaboration with Myself" + + There once was a girl named Esmerelda who lived in the forest, but + that's not my story... + I was licking the warm autumn rain off his neck when I realized I + couldn't love, + My lips went numb and I stared at his hoop earring like it was in + midconversation + It was all I could do to keep from bludgeoning myself with a blunt + object + Love? An irritant? Like a giant crab knawing at the crotch of my + soul? + WHY!? + Did I kick one too many puppies? Drown too many kittens? + I didn't even remember that my father molested me when I was five + until my therapist told me it was true. + So THAT can't be it... + (Did you ever notice that the word RAPIST is in the word THERAPIST? + *THE* *RAPIST*...) + A drop of water fell from his earring and meshed with his black + t-shirt. + I laughed and felt my own cold breath splash against my face before + I kissed his neck again. + + ~FUCK IT~ + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #223 -- written by Mack -- 4/3/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0224.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0224.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e81e60de --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0224.txt @@ -0,0 +1,72 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #224 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Afterschool Specials: Lost on The Cutting Room Floor" << + by -> Whoops + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + dolly hopped into the loud mustang, flipped off the kid next to her + and pulled on the driver's arm. "c'mon, jimmy! let's go!" + + jimmy peeled out of the school parking lot, leaving smoke and the + wretched walls of their high school behind them. he drove to a nearby park, + where he stopped the car and turned towards dolly. + + "now that we're alone..." jimmy leered as he leaned in and put his + armsaround her, clumsily grasping at her clothes fastenings. + + "babe, i gotta tell you somethin'," dolly said meekly to jimmy. + + "okay, sock it to me babe." + + "jimmy... i'm... uh... pregnant. i think it was from two weeks ago, + when we didn't use... well. i went to the doctor yesterday." + + jimmy didn't say anything. after a minute of silence, he got out of + the car, walked over to dolly's side, opened the door and dragged her out of + the car. + + "you fucking slut, what the fuck is wrong with you, getting knocked + up... what a fucking loser." + + with that, he got back in the car and honked the horn twice + scornfully in dolly's face as he wheeled out of the park. + + dolly stared at the back of the car as he drove away. tears streamed + down her face, and she turned in the direction of her house to start the + mile-long walk home. fifteen minutes later, she stepped up the few stairs to + her house, to find her brother billy looking at her. + + "what's wrong, dol?" billy asked, putting his arms around her + comfortingly. + + "jimmy... he... he... dumped me!" dolly sobbed. + + "aw, it's okay," billy said as he hugged her closer. he settled his + chin on her shoulder and inhaled her scent through his nostrils. + + "don't worry about that freak -- he's not worthy of our family!" + billy assured her. + + "oh billy... i was so worried. he said i was a slut!" dolly sobbed. + + "don't think that for a second, dolly! you know you're somebody!" + + as billy sat there, holding dolly, he felt a sudden bulge in his + pants. he held dolly closer. she felt it, too, and a slow smile crept over + her face. + + "it's okay... i'm already pregnant," dolly whispered in his ear. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #224 -- written by Whoops -- 4/3/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0225.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0225.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e9c0dcdc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0225.txt @@ -0,0 +1,355 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #225 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Bounty Hunter" << + by -> Trilobyte + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + i am a senior in high school. most people in my speech 1-2 class are + freshmen. if any of these freshmen were to suddenly disappear, the earth + would function in exactly the same way it did before their absence. in + other words, they are completely worthless. + + this is a story i wrote for speech class. the assignment was to + write a story about 10 specific people (description of each was given) + stranded on an island and how you went and rescued 5 of them. i decided to + go for shock value. + + this is what i came up with. i got an A++. + + --- + + My name is Tim Mirella. I am here today to tell all of you about an + operation I was once involved in. But -- you can't tell anyone. This was a + secret mission, and if anybody out there finds out about it, I could be in a + lot of trouble. See, I am a bounty hunter. I kill people for money -- LOTS + of it. On this particular mission, I was hired by an international drug + ring. I do business for them often and this was just one of the many jobs I + have pulled for them. I guess that they had been involved with the + president of GM motors. I didn't understand it at first, but they say the + story goes that GM motors needed some quick cash when business wasn't so + good in the 80's. The drug ring got in touch with them, and in exchange for + billions and billions of dollars, GM trafficked drugs inside their + automobiles. Later on, though, the president started riding on some high + horse and decided that he was going to go off and start his _own_ drug ring. + Well, I don't even have to tell you, that pissed off the drug ring. And + there's where I entered the picture. The president was off an a retreat at + a small resort on a remote Pacific island. They wanted me to go and knock + him off. "No problem," I told them, "it's my job." + + They prepared my helicopter for me. A simple six-shooter, some + sandwiches, and Pepsi. It was going to be a simple mission, they told me. + So off I went from their headquarters in Los Angeles towards the Pacific + Ocean, following the map as closely as I could. The only other time I'd + seen so much water was when my boss flushed my head down the toilet, but + that's a totally different story. It took 6 hours or somethin', then I saw + the island. It was pretty small and had a lot of green on it. I saw the + top of the resort from the air. There was a helicopter landing pad on it, + so I landed the heli and got off. + + One problem... + + There weren't any stairs down. What kind of moron builds a + helicopter landing pad with no stairs going down? + + I got back in the heli and took off again. I flew around the island + looking for a place to land it, and after about 10 minutes, found one. I'm + sure everybody on the island must have seen me. The last thing a bounty + hunter wants is to have a welcome crew, but that's exactly what I got. + + Well, more or less. + + After I landed, there was one brown-skinned man standing there. He + had long black hair, a necklace strung with some sort of teeth hanging from + his neck, and wore a wraparound white robe. He seemed to be some sort of + religious icon for the tribe. He stood in front of me solemnly, and when I + approached him, he held out a dead carp. I stood still for a moment. + Surely, if there's going to be a resort on one of these islands, they would + have wiped out all of the natives, right? Well, almost right. + + We stood and stared at each other for a while, and he stood fast with + his arm outstretched in front of him holding the fish. It didn't move, and + it looked like it was decaying a bit, too. + + I said, "Helllll-lo," and he screamed "BEEEEEAAEAEHHHH!#@!#%" + + I knew I was dealing with something serious here. I walked towards + him. The closer I got, the wider his eyes grew. I ended up standing right + in front of him -- well, as close as I could get without getting too + personal with his carp -- and quietly appeased him. Something along the + lines of... "AHHHHHHHH#!%" + + The strange native fell to the ground. He was mumbling something + like "balhlhbalijhwelihalihblihwelhialbwihelijawefjlizdsfgoij." I put my + foot on his head, looked up to the sky, and again tried to calm him, with + words inspired by the rousing chorus of a Nine Inch Nails song. It went + something like this ... uh, "OBWBOWBO DOWNOON BEBNFOROE THEHEH ONENENOEN + YOOUOU O SEEREVE." I released my foot from his head, and he stood up and + looked me dead in the eye. + + "Eye have left my carp on the ground for you to eat." + + Well, I wasn't exactly hungry for the carp, so I picked it up and + whipped him with it. After a few minutes of doing this, I paused, and asked + him: + + "Where's the resort?" + + "Throuuughhh... the... woods." + + "Thank you," and I started to walk off. He then called out to me. + + "There... is no one there!" + + "There's no one there?" + + "No, all PEOPL have DIED for your coming#%!!#!" + + This peaked my interest. My helicopter stunned them so much they + died? What's wrong with these people? + + Then he continued, "We have known you would be coming on this date. + Our people have dreaded this date for many, many years." + + "Me? You've been dreading me?" + + "Yes. You are to bring great death and destruction to our island." + + "Me? Matt Mirella?" + + Distressed, he said, "Whuh... Matt... Mirella?" + + "Yeah..." + + "You're... not... Bob Hope?" + + I laughed and said, "No, not even close!" + + The strange man fell down and cried. + + "What's wrong?" I said. + + "Well, in fear of Bob Hope's coming, I had commanded all of my people + on this island to kill themselves and their families. My entire race has + been wiped out. Waahh! Are you sure you're not Bob Hope? Was there anyone + else coming to the island besides you?" + + "Not that I know of..." + + "Oh no! It was all a mistake! Damn television!" + + I was deeply confused by this point, so I walked off towards where I + thought the hotel was. There was a lot of forest, but eventually I made my + way through and came to the front door. When I entered, much to my + surprise, I met Sonny and Cher. They were having an affair on the island, I + guess. They told me that when the whole tribe had killed themselves, all + the guests at the hotel were stranded. The man I met at the beach was the + religious leader of the tribe. Sonny & Cher went off into the dining room + and started necking. I really, really did NOT want to see that, so I walked + around the resort some more looking for other people. What I came across + next, though, I did not want to see. When I entered the elevator, standing + there was a adolescent boy wearing women's underwear. He stayed in the + elevator with me instead of getting out, and fondled me. + + Now, I'm a guy open to new things, but stuff like that doesn't sit + well in my stomach. This boy obviously had problems, so I pulled out my gun + and shot him. + + That taken care of, I got off on the 3rd floor (there were four of + them). I didn't see anyone, but I heard a strange repetitive noise coming + from somewhere down the hall. I walked towards it, and I saw an old man + wearing glasses standing by the door to one of the rooms. He was staring + through a small hole he had drilled through it. + + "Shhh, come here," he said to me. I did. "This is a perfect + example of what I have coined the Oedipus Complex. Here is this + 30-something-year-old man in bed with his mother. He obviously has mental + problems that could be treated. I don't want to interrupt right now though. + He's a bit busy." + + "Jesus christ," I said, "what's wrong with this god-damned resort?" + + "I'm sure it can all be explained. Even some of the strangest things + in the world have an easy explanation based on the condition of the human + mind." + + "You seem like a pretty smart guy, fella. What's your name?" + + "Doctor Sigmund Freud." + + "Wow, pleased to meet you! I've heard about some of your stuff from + time to time. You're pretty popular." + + "Why thank you, I work hard at what I do. Though some people may + disagree," he laughed. "Come, take a look at this." + + "Well, uhh... I don't know." + + "Do you not want to see how the Oedipus Complex relates to the inner + workings of the strange occurences on this island?" + + "Well, I suppose..." + + One quick look was long enough to inspire me to knock down the door + and burst into the room in a wild frenzy. + + That wasn't that man's mother. + + It was my mother. + + And that certainly isn't my mother's son. + + It's my best friend, Laslo Linelli. + + "What in SAM HELL are you doing in BED with my MOTHER, LASLO?" + + "Wait! I can explain!" he tried to say, but I pulled out my gun and + fired. + + Whoops, I missed and hit my mother. Oh well, she's a whore anyway. + + I fired again and it went right through Laslo's head, killing him + instantly. + + I stood for a moment and revelled in the blood, then turned and left + the room. Dr. Freud seemed very interested in my mental condition after + that, and followed me down the hall asking me all sorts of questions. I + wasn't interested, though, and didn't answer a single one of them. + + "And did your mother ever force you to attach pigs' feet to your + scalp?" + + "Have you seen the president of GM around here?" + + "Uhh... I do not know." + + "big fat guy with a gigantic red nose wearing a suit?" + + "Ahh, yes. He is probably at the bar. Very depressed and guilty... + his mother probably made him hold her hand as he crossed the street until he + was 50 and then she would beat him on the head with a..." + + I tuned him out after a while. I took the down elevator (the corpse + of the boy was beginning to smell kind of bad, so I decided I would use the + stairs from then on) and then looked for the bar on the ground floor. After + walking around for a bit, I discovered a dark room with lots of bamboo and + grass hanging in the doorway. + + "That must be the bar." + + I walked in, and it was very dark, but in the corner I made out the + form of a hunched-over bald man and a fat man in a suit. I walked over, and + sure enough, there was the president of GM. He didn't notice Freud and I + were there and continued on with his conversation. I pulled out my gun and + popped him one. + + Freud cheered and started clapping and then the old man at the table + lifted his head towards me and said, "Why'd you go and do that?" + + It was bob hope. + + "Bob Hope! You're the man!" + + "Well, I know. Heh. Hey, you weren't here before. Where'd you come + from?" + + "I was here to kill him." + + "You're not here to kill me are you? I'm close enough to dead as it + is! That gunshot almost killed me just from being at the same table!" + + I felt obligated to laugh at him because he's an old man trying to do + his best. He must have been funny at one time, I decided, and let it go at + that. + + "No, Bob (if I can call you Bob). In fact, I would like to take you + home, if you'd let me." + + "Sure thing!" + + "Follow us, we'll go out to the helicopter." + + A familiar voice in the doorway asked if they could go too. It was + Sonny, and I agreed, so he & Cher followed us out to the helicopter also. + + We trudged through the same part of the forest I had originally come + through, and when we got to the helicopter, the old tribe witchdoctor or + whatever he was was still laying flat on the ground. + + "You can probably get up now." + + He did. + + "Meet Bob Hope," I said, and Bob Hope stuck his arm out to shake the + shaman's hand. Then I saw that there was a small catfish in Bob's hand!!# + + "You... are... BOB HOPE?!#%?!?#%?!#%?" + + The shaman began to repeatedly punch himself in the head until it + caved in and he died. + + I told Freud, Bob Hope, Sonny, and Cher that they could get in the + helicopter. I got in the pilot's seat and then had that familiar sensation. + Nature was calling again. I had to pee. I remember what my mother used to + always say... "go before you leave so you don't have to stop." Since I was + piloting a helicopter over the Pacific Ocean, I figured there wouldn't be + much opportunity to stop, so I told them all to hang on a sec and I went off + into the woods. I looked around for a suitable tree. There were lots of + bushes around, so I looked for one that would be extra fun to piss on, and + then I whipped it out and began to urinate. + + Then, suddenly, the worst thing that could possibly happen, happened. + A voice directly below me suddenly screamed as loud as anyone has ever + screamed before. + + "HEEEEEEEEEEY!!#%#!%" + + I almost fell backwards I was so surprised. I looked down, and there + was governor Jim Edgar, laying on the ground, with both of his legs chopped + off, covered with urine. + + "What the hell?" I asked. + + "Don't ask. Haven't seen you in a long time. Are you on a mission?" + + "I'm Zsa Zsa Gabor." + + "Nice to meet you. Now get me the hell out of here." + + I began to assess a plan of action, but then realized that the horse + was still out of the barn, so to speak. So I put it back where it belonged, + and then reassessed the situation. + + "I'm not taking you anywhere, you're soaked in piss!" + + "I think you owe it to me. Number one, I pardoned you for all those + killings of yours, number two, YOU JUST PEED ALL OVER ME." + + I decided he's right. + + "You're right," I said. I grabbed his hand and dragged him out to + the helicopter and then threw him in the back. He was gashed and bleeding, + but I'm sure he'd do the same thing for me. I heard groans and things from + the others in back with him. They must have been responding to his + odorificness. + + We headed off back to the United States, where everybody went back + where they belonged. Sonny went off to ski in Colorado. He told he's + pretty good. Jim Edgar went to a plastic surgeon, Bob Hope rented + a cryogenic chamber, and Freud moved in with me to follow me everywhere I + go. He finds me "captivating." <-- Freud voice! + + Moral: Weird things happen to bounty hunters. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #225 -- written by Trilobyte -- 4/3/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0226.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0226.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c38ff526 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0226.txt @@ -0,0 +1,89 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #226 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The Day Armaggedon Began" << + by -> Alternative Rocks + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + There were many before me, but none quite like me. Some were well + known, like Jesus, Mohamad, Hitler, Moses, the snake in the Garden of Eden. + The other names were lost in history, never to be known... just fogotten + with time. Great politicians of the spiritual plain, here to gather up + forces for the great battle foretold throughout history, and known as + Armaggedon. The two sides were formed long ago, and it was well documented + in the Bible. God and the Archangel, Micheal, banashing Lucifer, often known + as Satan, to Hell. The bitterness between the two sides were great, and a + cold war began, with our own existence being the battle ground. Both sides + sent forward great saviors, and great evils. Both sides had victories and + losses, as in any war. Both sides proclaimed their glory the higher. But it + was a war none the less. A war that both sides, after millenia of fighting, + became tired of. They realized the pointless nature of the war, but could do + nothing to stop it. The people they had enlisted, through years of + propaganda and promises. Finally, in the last century of the second millenia + after the birth of Jesus, the most horrible attrocities were commited by + people on both sides, and the spiritual plain grew concerned. The human + race was quickly headed toward self-destruction. For most of the century, in + human terms, the great warriors tried to remember how to be thinkers. God + himself was at a loss. Both sides decided that the differences between them + were, at most, a difference in taste. They both strived for the same things, + but in different manners. The evil ones, wanted war, corruption, greed, + survival of the quick witted and dishonest. The good ones wanted peace, + equality, and a chance for everyone, no matter their faults. So, in a moment + of mutual despair, both sides laid down arms, and held a galactic meeting of + the opposing forces. + + Chapter 1 + --------- + + They could think of only one answer. Since both sides had such strong + followings on earth, a medium between them must be put on earth. To ensure + the largest following possible he was sent twenty years before the millenium + ended. To accomplish the task at hand they gave him supernatural sense, so + that guidance from the newly formed allies could be recieved. He was given a + dark power source, from the most powerful and hottest deapths of Hell, and + was also given the white cause of heaven, to ensure that balance was + maintained. Due to the great amount of energy he would be able to control he + needed the intelect and ability to make his own decisions. That way after + the basic instructions were given as a child, he would be able to continue + his mission, even if things turned sour on the spiritual plain. Mentally, + emotionally and spiritually, he was quite different, and in some ways, + almost too perceptive. Physically, however, was left to the genetics of the + human parents lucky enough to be chosen. Everything about his apparent + existence looked normal. The only thing different was his abnormal learning + process, his urge to learn all that he could, and his unique view of the + world. It both set him apart from the people he was sent to save, and, later + in life, made him quite well known. All of this was planned ahead of time. + However, since a joint venture of this type was never tried before, and the + two sides had decidedly different methods of doing things, something was + bound to go wrong. It did. + + Chapter 2 + --------- + + To cross over form the plain of existence that they are in to ours is + a tricky one. The amount of energy they posses must be condensed into a + physical form of our size. The opposing forces in this cross-over were so + great that when the energy reformd on our side, a great spiritual explosion + took place, and much of the chosen one's spiritual energy was spread over + the world, not disconnected from him, but still quite faint. At this point, + no intervention was possible, and all the higher beings could do is hope + that everyhting else was fine, and that the mission would be able to be + carried out. Of course, with much of his energy, and hence, his supernaturl + senses, spread over the world, he lost any sense of where he came form, or + what he was supposed to do. but they didn't know that. not until it was too + late. + + [To be continued...] + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #226 -- written by Alternative Rocks - 4/7/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0227.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0227.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bff3dcf4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0227.txt @@ -0,0 +1,108 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #227 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Some Rants" << + by -> Mokie + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The Anger of Turnips + -------------------- + + Since this is the seventy third day, i think i am a turnip. you do + not like turnips? soft effervescent dew covered roots of triumph? perhaps + you do not understand the turnip mind, with it's gleeful complacency, + growing in splendor of green and dirt. it does not suffer from jealousy or + paper cuts, only from yellowness. Yellow is an evil thing, taking it's joy + and screaming from minds and chains. All of this is blatant, and sometimes + obvious. wishing is a waste of time. the wings never grow and there you are, + with sadness and no wings. caffiene and growth do not make it go away. only + the color yellow is able to alleviate the boredom. do you listen to this? do + you listen to the yellow speech of your wishes? Its poetry is that of + oysters, seeing light through my eyes. + + Love and Rocks + -------------- + + Shiny black stones are love. Stronger than death and folly, the + source of strength, they break in moonlight, and blind by day. all of the + stories they tell are madness but the madness is that which is like anger + the most. zurp zurp go their stories, until you are crazy with the pleasure + of the sky and the wind. it is no wonder that lizards hide underneath stones + with all of this storytelling contaminating the very sand. magic surrounds + the stone, and the lizards run when moonlight sparks the spell. vanity and a + striving after wind, are the lizards. a tower, a hind, a doe, is the shiny + black stone. such problems can never be fixed, not by any number of zurping. + but zurp zurp it goes, until it is too full to continue. + + Reality's Edges + --------------- + + marbles are like reality. they are small, and insignificant until + broken, when they cut you unless you are careful. will you brave them? will + you take them up and hold them, coddling and rocking, until you have lost + them in your complacency? your fat surrounds this. it is no wonder i can no + longer distinguish between this and the iron ones. + + Angels and Darkness + ------------------- + + how very like a dark angel of light, but without wings. how do these + colors affect me so? bright darkness, shining across a sunlit field, the + black brighter than the sun. dark light, illuminates my heart but clouds + my mind. how can i think clearly when my mind is stormy weather? a tactile + thunder, a darkening lightning, and a broken black stone, so fragile to + begin with. my arbitrary symbols foretelling my soul. i drank my willpower, + and drowned my wishes, but got a dream which an angel stole. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + [SOME POETRY!] + + Random Angel Song + ----------------- + + obsession cured, just a new random angel + i hate that beauty but i want it the same + i think this to you but i know you don't hear me + and im groping the ground I worship anyway + it could have been someone or anyone else + but october and vodka equaled up to you + this isnt the first or the last time it happens + so i know im not worthy of princes or truth + my painful addiction, no withdrawl immenent + waiting to prove that ive something to prove + living is only a constant reminder + that it happened it happened it happens to you + and i lost what i had just to get what i wanted + what i wanted turned out just to be what i lost + ive bartered these two and theres no coming back now + the randomness never could equal the truth + + To the Oblivious Lord of My Dreams + ---------------------------------- + + I say it doesn't affect me + I say you never believed + I say I won't think twice of it + I say it's him that I need + I say I want him forever + I say I want you tonight + I say I don't think it's wrong + I say I don't know what's right + I say that I feel so happy + I say I'd never betray + I say I'll stay with him gladly + But it's not what I want to say. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #227 -- written by Mokie -- 4/7/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0228.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0228.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d5167f10 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0228.txt @@ -0,0 +1,48 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #228 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The Inaccessible Woman" << + by -> Mooer + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + there is no amount of sadness that i can explain, not even a morsel; + from the moment i pumped up the action and read that the lyrics did not say + ONE SIDE REALLY LISTENED TO NOISE. for all the anthems and all the freaking + typos, this could not at least tell me that it was so correct. so right in + its injustice. the truth lies in the direction of down. + + convenience store robberies always fascinated me. the quick + marteefartee the WAH. how could one rob the little modesty of its hubris? + the measly 5.10.20. the almighty deer that comes crashing into your front + bumpercar. + + placation of your sensations. the rest of your mess. + + rapidly stabbing with a spork. kind of catchy, eh? say it to + yourself, mantra it. noisenoisenoise. + + the birthing of electronica is less than fruitful in the obliteration + of the uncanned mind. the classical theory, the monstering of instrument is + pushed throughout vaginal walls with a tweezer that pinches the + collaboration of cooperations. to each its own, to might its fight. where + once there was a butterfly, now there is a gig-a-pet. BEEP! feed me! + + and as i solidify in the arteries of my pulse, i melt the wax that + clogs your unaided hearing of jury by trial. do not lose your humanity; + birth pretty butterfly music through your legs and drip the static noise + that pollutes your anatomy. who cares about the poetry of your motions. + + ONE SIDE REALLY LISTENED TO NOISE. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #228 -- written by Mooer -- 4/7/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0229.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0229.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..af622f56 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0229.txt @@ -0,0 +1,167 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #229 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Game Over" << + by -> RedMan + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + This little gem was provided to us by RedMan, a charming gentleman + who wrote this as a submission to h0e, in exchange for his IRC channel back, + which various h0e writers had taken over. He's a regular on #writers. + I'm sure you'll enjoy. + + -- Mogel [dto@op.net] + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + As I stood at the three point line, the ball seemed to be in slow + motion. Screams from the crowd came as the ball dropped through the net. Not + only did this shot go in but it dropped through the net with such force that + it made a sound that was heard throughout the gym. The gym was packed and + the fans were on their feet, I had just hit my first three pointer of my + varsity basketball career. As our team set up the press, sweat dripped from + my face. I was close enough to kiss my opponent, there was no way he was + going to get the ball. He shoved me backward and he planted his foot on + mine, he then pushed off and ran for the inbounder. I fell back a few feet + and sprinted towards my man. As the inbounder released the ball with a firm + push I stuck my handout in hopes for a steal, SNAP! As the ball was + deflected towards the right my man ran and picked it up. I quickly looked + down at my finger and with fear and pain walked over to my bench. My + pinkie-finger on my right hand was at a ninety degree ankle, as sweat + dripped down may face I could feel myself getting hot. My stomach seemed to + drop and I was feeling as if I was on a roller coaster. The game had been + stopped and I was brought into the coaches room. My assistant coach led me + into the room and sat me down on a wooden chair. I began to feel very cold, + and my finger began to have a shooting pain. This pain was not present + before and was no making itself known that there was something wrong with. + + My parents entered the room, my mother carrying a face that I never + had seen before. My father with a calm collective look to him. The assistant + then began to explain that there was to deal with this, either go to the + hospital and miss the game or deal with it write in the room. + + My mother stared over at my coach when he relayed this message to me + and my father seem to agree with my coach. I looked at my coach with eyes of + trust and horror, and then laid my hand in his. He then took his hand and + placed it over my pinkie. Which by now was swelling and extremely painful, + he then got a firm grip and with one quick tug my finger was now vertically + correct. My coach then looked at me with bulging eyes and asked how it felt. + Being the starting point guard on my schools varsity team there was no way I + was going to say that I needed to leave the game. With a convincing nod and + a energetic response I was on my way back onto the court. I reentered the + game and the crowd began to applaud, I was so nervous. It was like the first + time I had ever played basketball in front of a crowd. The game resumed and + I ran down the court, my finger throbbed and I could not help but think of + it. My teammates snapped the ball quickly over to me and I caught it. I felt + like dropping the ball and running to the sideline but instead I got rid of + the ball as soon as I could. I then proceeded to run over to the sideline + and with a look of pain in my eyes I let my coach know that I needed to come + out of the game. As I sat there and watched my team lose the game I could + not decide if I was hurting more from my finger or form the fact that I was + not in there helping my team.As the coach was screaming and yelling in the + locker room I could not help but think about my finger, the pain was no + shooting down my arm and I was praying that I did not break it. I showered + and proceeded to get dressed. Each time I buttoned a button on my shirt I + would get a shooting pain, I began to believe that I should go to the + hospital but I did not want to let anyone know. I walked up the steps and + there were my parents, my Mom gave me a look of compassion and she seemed + very concerned. Sternly, my father said that I should o to the hospital but + with a convincing tone of voice I talked them out of it. I went home that + night and stayed up thinking about the possibility that I might have a + broken finger. As I dazed off to sleep I repeated to myself that things were + going to be O.K. + + I woke up in some pain but I thought nothing of I because injuries + are always worse the day after. It was Saturday so I had a couple of days to + rest my finger, by mid-afternoon my finger as throbbing like it had just + been hit by a hammer. At this time I decided that I needed to go to the + emergency room. My father and I hopped into the 95 Mazda 626 and of to the + hospital we went. On the ride there several things were going though my + mind, although I was very optimistic. At most I thought I would miss a month + or so, and that was absolute tops. I got to the hospital and filled out + paperwork. Actually I filled out endless pages of paperwork that was quite + painful to my finger. About twenty minutes later a short, skinny blond hair + nurse came out and with a soft voice said "Sheahan." I then got up and with + a nervous step in my walk proceeded to the examination room. I took a seat + and the nurse asked to see my finger. She gently touched my finger. With a + stare that made me nervous, replied "this does not look good." With a + threatened voice I said" What do you mean," she then pointed out to me that + the top part of my finger was twisted to the left. My knuckle was twice the + size of any other one on my finger and it had a blue color to it, the kind + of blue you see when you have been bruised very badly. I had notice this + before but I had failed to make a big deal of it, then the doctor walked in. + He was a tall man with a thick mustache and thick brown hair. He opened his + mouth and the words "how did you do this?" came out. I replied in a + basketball game and he then began to take a look at my finger. He had a look + of concern on his face and before I knew it I was gong to have my fingered + x-rayed. I had this done which took all of ten minutes and then he returned + with the results. I had been siting there in anticipation of the results. I + was on the edge of my seat waiting for his return. Then the door opened + slowly and the doctor walked in. He took a seat next to me and with a calm + voice said" It looks as if you are going to need surgery." I almost fell out + of my seat this would mean that I would miss just about my whole season. Me, + the starting point guard out for the season. I looked at my father with hope + and desperation hoping that he would have some advice to give me. What could + he say the doctor had given his diagnosis and he was right. The doctor then + proceeded with a stern convincing voice to say that I had shattered the + bones in my right pinkie finger. I would have to have surgery to pin these + bones back together, the process is going to take about two and half hours. + I picked myself up off the floor and my dad and I got back into the Mazda + and drove home. I was extremely quite on the way home and felt as if all my + hard work and preparation for this basketball season was for nothing. + Although my father tried to keep my hopes up it was not having any effect on + me. The trip to hospital was one that I regretted and in two weeks form + then, would be paying for in the operating room. + + The weekend seemed to drag on forever and finally Monday rolled + around. Throughout school I had shooting pains in my finger and all I could + think about was what exactly my coach was going to say when I gave him the + news that I was going to be out for six weeks. The day ended and I packed my + school bag as usual, I then headed for basketball practice. I got there and + everyone came up to me asking ho my finger was, I responded with an upset + disappointing tone, that I would be out for six weeks. The team was as + surprised as I was when I heard the noise. Although the team felt bad, they + were not the ones that were going to have the doctor cut open their finger, + and pin tiny bones back together. I had stay on the sidelines and watch the + team day in and day out play the game that I loved so much. The worst of it + was that I had to watch someone fill my spot, a spot that I had worked long + hours for in the summer. Someone was just going to step in and take the spot + that I had reserved for myself. That was worse than the pain of my finger or + the surgery I had to go through. + + The day had come, and I woke up extremely early that mourning. I was + not allowed to eat anything and as I was driving in with my father my + stomach was growling. We arrived at the hospital and I checked in at the + front desk, a rather large women with brown hair took the information that + they needed. They brought me into a room and had me put on a johnny. You + know, one of those pieces of clothing that shows your ass to the world. I + cam out of the bathroom and they had brought in a television for my father + and I to watch as I waited. We put in "White men can't jump" and just as + Woody was going to take the court for the first time the overweight nurse + walked in. They brought me to the prep room and there I lay just waiting to + go under. As they started my IV I began to get nervous. I thought of nothing + except for the surgery to come the doctor then added vallium to my iv and + before I could count to five I was out. + + I woke up and felt very sluggish, I lay there for a while and then + proceeded to get dressed. The operation was over and I was on my way to + recovery. Two weeks passed and I was still attending every practice and + every game, this was very hard for me because I was unable to play. The + season went on and I watched for the sidelines, and on the final game of the + season I got my cast off. However, I was unable to play because I still + needed to go to therapy for my finger. My junior basketball season was lost, + and I could never get it back. The effects came a year later, May of senior + year. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #229 -- written by RedMan -- 4/7/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0230.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0230.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0c943120 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0230.txt @@ -0,0 +1,92 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #230 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Shot: Chapter 3" << + by -> ANdz0oey + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "Goddamn weather," Christian softly mumbled to himself, but only with + passing interest. It had been cold like this ever since he had come into + this dismal fucking town, hopeful and alone, not more than two months + before. So why bother to complain? Christian didn't quite have an answer + for that question. Nor did he need one. There were other things on his + mind. + + The sidewalk was illuminated brilliantly by so many far away stars, + and to a lesser extent by the street lamps strewn across the alley. But + Christian was tired of walking. His legs ached and his head was swimming. + Worse still, the prostitution house was closed, shut down for some + renovations or whatever, and even the subway had no room to sleep. He felt + helpless. + + Yet there was the park. Of course. The wonderful, ever-frozen + benches of the park. "What a goddamn pleasant idea," Christian muttered + again, but with a little more determination. He truly needed some rest, + meaning that the park would have to make due. + + The benches, green and wooden, weren't as cold as before, shaping the + ordeal as merely bearable, at best. It had snowed the night before, and, + for some reason or another, certain depressions in the grass were filled + with a kind of friendly looking ice water, neither cloudy nor muddy, but + pretty clear. Christian was enthralled. They were so deep, he thought. + Yet, in a couple of days, when it was just warm enough, they'd be gone, + disappeared forever, only to fill up again whenever there was another rain + storm. They were so quiet, so peaceful. Christian fell asleep. + + He woke up an hour later, cold as hell, but generally fine. His mind + was still shaky, though, and his thoughts really weren't in the right place, + not in any way. However, extraordinarily, at the moment, he wasn't + dreaming. But rather remembering. + + "i love you, angel, dear. you still awake?" + + "hmmm? oh, yeah, uh-huh. i love you too." + + "ok, alright, just checking. 'cause i didn't want you to fall asleep + when i was about to, you know, pick off the president with this lovely + sniper rifle from my dark, lonely room... + + "what?" + + "nevermind...nevermind, sweetheart." + + "are you making fun of me?" + + "yeah...just checking, you know." + + "well, stop it!" she giggles. + + later something different. painful. + + "stop it," she pleads, but not in the same way. it's terrible. a + cry of anguish. + + "no, i swear to god..." + + "please stop...please. pretty please?" + + "no, no...i mean it. i really do. i fucking hate her. you know + that? really. goddamnit, i cannot take her bullshit anymore. don't you + understand? i just can't... i'm gonna kill her....seriously...i've fucking + got to..." + + "please...no...please," she cries. + + Christian woke up. He felt sick, upset, disillusioned. It was + awful. Overwhelming. He pulled his arms tightly around his body, and began + to cry, softly, but forcefully. It was so cold, he thought. So very cold. + The tears that were pouring down his cheeks warmed him up a bit, but, soon, + sadly, even they would become frozen. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #230 -- written by ANdz0oey -- 4/7/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0231.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0231.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..09d669fb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0231.txt @@ -0,0 +1,89 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #231 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "A Scholarly Essay on the Benefits of Rape in Society" << + *or* + >> "Rape is Cool" << + + by -> PezMonkey + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I don't understand all the fuss about rape. I mean, think about it. + Everyone should actually be *PRO-RAPE*. Guys get some; girls get some. + What more could you want? I mean, if a guy's going to get it up for you, + you should be GRATEFUL. And if it's not exactly the right time for you, or + it's a little painful, so what? Some people actually LIKE that, you know? + You should just think, "You're getting it up for *ME*. Thank you!" In + fact, I bet most people really enjoy being raped. They're lying if they say + they don't. And some people would never get any anyway if they were never + raped. As Toastier said, "It is the only way I will ever get any action." + And you know what they say: When sex is good, it's great, but when it + it's bad, it's still pretty good. So, see, you can't go wrong, even with rape. + It's really a COMPLIMENT, if you think about it, because this guy is willing + to do ANYTHING to get you. + + Here are some quotes from other pro-rape activists: + + "Forceful men are a real turn-on. I don't want my man to be a pussy. + He just has to want it." + + "It's my fantasy to be completely beaten to a bloody pulp." + + "He has to want it so bad he's willing to do ANYTHING for it." + + "I hate to initiate. I want my man to make the first move." + + "I'm a traditional girl." + + "I have a wet, dark, hard back alley fetish." + + "I'm tired of all this romantic, superficial bullshit. A guy should + just be direct with what he wants." + + "My life is in absolute turmoil. I'm homeless. In a world of such + chaos, vulnerable women are the one thing that I have any control over. + Otherwise I'd just kill myself." + + "My penis is attractive, and I like to share beautiful things with + the world." + + "You have to be understanding sometimes. I mean, this fellow last + week... he just got out of prison and hasn't been with a woman for 15 years! + Plus, I've got nice breasts. Who can blame him?" + + "My daddy told me that's what men are s'posed to do with their + women." + + "Look at me. I'm hot. I'd be insulted if he DIDN'T!" + + With this compelling evidence, how can anyone NOT be pro-rape? I + mean, think about it. The feeling of power and happiness it gives to the + rapist is phenomenal. How can we deny that sort of happiness to anyone? It + would just be cruel. And sometimes, as females, we just need to have a + chance to let someone else take control -- we spend all day in control: of + the kids, of the kitchen -- and sometimes it's just too much. Rape is a + great way for us to let the MAN have a little power. And, the neatest (and + perhaps most paradoxical thing) about being pro-rape is that once EVERYONE + becomes pro-rape, then rape will disappear all together, because all sex, + even rape, will be consentual, which makes it not rape. Then there will be + less overcrowding in prisons since no one will be arrested for rape. There + are tons of advantages! + + See, I personally think our society just feeds it into people to be + scared of sex with strangers, relatives, or people who they're just not + attracted to, when in actuality, if you look at it the right way, it could + be fun! So go put on your sluttiest outfit, search for some back alleys, + and look helpless, girls! It's your time to shine! + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #231 -- written by PezMonkey -- 4/18/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0232.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0232.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7a4ed6c0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0232.txt @@ -0,0 +1,79 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #232 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Collect Call of Cthulhu" << + by -> Ken-ohki + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + It was a friday, just like any other friday. Thursday came before + it, and saturday was due to come the next day. Just like any other friday, + or so I thought... + + I went to work in a cheery mood, for the weekend was approaching. + True, I had toiled for 4 days previously, but no matter, I would work + through the day and be free. I had plans to go see a concert that night, + some new band called Shub-Niggarauth's 1000 Dancing Hooves. I had heard of + them through a friend of a friend, so to speak, and I was assured that they + were a band I would like quite a bit. Since the show was only $5 I decided + it was worth a shot. + + The day dragged on, but I tried to remain in good spirits. It was + friday, TGIF! By lunchtime, however, I realized that it was no use to + maintain my good mood, and I stared into space for the entire afternoon. I + left the office early, and went to an arcade. + + I played Mortal Kombat XVIII for the next 3 hours. I always play as + SuperDimensionalFighterMega Sonya. She is the best. Her TitaniumDeadly + Scissors attack always gets them, even the best. + + Having spent my rage from the boring day at work I went to Sloppy + Sam's Food Emporium and had a Sloppy Pork Sandwich for dinner. It was + sloppy, and probably didn't do my digestive system any good. No matter, I + was psyched, for it was almost time for the concert, but first I would have + to go home and change. + + When I got home there was a message on my machine. It said "Go to + the payphone on 3rd and McGillicutty. Be there at 8:30pm sharp. Await a + call with further instructions. " + + Normally, I probably would have written this off as a crank call, but + I was strangely intrigued by this message. After I changed into suitable + clothes for the concert, I drove over to the payphone. + + 8:28:00 Bored + 8:28:15 Curious + 8:28:30 Bored + 8:28:45 Curious + 8:29:00 Bored + 8:29:15 Curious + 8:29:30 Adjust Myself + 8:29:45 Bored + 8:30:00 RING! + + I was rather suprised that the phone actually rang. I picked it up + and was suprised to hear a mechanical voice asking me to accept a collect + call, although I didn't understand the name, as it was mumbled. I was in a + curious mood, so I accepted the charges (I never thought, at the time, that + accepting charges at a payphone made absolutely no sense.) + + "Can I speak to Arthur?" + + "There is no one here by that name." + + "Oh, so sorry." + + To this day I do not know what that call was about. It made me late + for the concert though, which was ok, because the band sucked. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #232 -- written by Ken-ohki -- 4/18/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0233.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0233.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..694e4031 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0233.txt @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #233 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Yellow Balloon" << + by -> Aster + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + there is a yellow balloon. it lives in the garden. the garden has + lots of flowers in it. the flowers give the balloon allergies. the balloon + hates the flowers. even tho they are very beautiful and nice-smeeling, they + still give the balloon allergies and it hates them. everyday the balloon + goes out into the garden where it lives and rips the allergies-giving + flowers from their comfy home in the ground. this made the flowers very mad + for everyday more of their friends were killed mercilessly. so the flowers + started a plot to get revenge on the balloon that reeked havok on them. + they planned to pop the balloon. the first flower to try was flowsker. + flowsker is very strong and an athelete. one day while the balloon was + taking a break in the nice warm sun, flowsker walked up to it and flexxed + his muscles. the balloon laffed ve4ry hard. he said, "you think you can + pop me? just try!" this made flowsker very mad, because flowsker had a very + large head. he believed that he could do anything. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #233 -- written by Aster -- 4/18/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0234.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0234.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e566d382 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0234.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1067 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #234 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "hehehehe!" << + by -> Murmur + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +begin 644 murmur-hehe.wav +M4DE&1FJW !7059%9FUT(! ! $ 5%8 %16 ! @ 9&%T80"W " +M@(!_@(!_@']_?X" @(" @']_@(" @(" @(!_@(!_@'^ @(!_@'^ ?X!_@'^ +M?X!_@(" @(" @(!_@'^ @']_@(" ?X" @']_@(" ?W^ @(!_@']_@(" @(" +M?W^ ?X" @'^ ?X!_?X!_?W]_@']_?X!_?X!_@']_@'^ @(!_?W]_@']_?X!_ +M?W^ ?X" @(" 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!3;W5N9"!&;W)G92 T+C + +end + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #234 -- written by Murmur -- 4/18/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0235.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0235.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0bbf1155 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0235.txt @@ -0,0 +1,74 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #235 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The Last Man On Earth" << + by -> Puck + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Once upon a time there was the last man on earth. He had hidden + under a rock while armageddon happened and god didn't see him so he was the + last man on earth. "Woah," he said when he realized this. "This is very + crazy." Next he began thinking of ways to cope. At first, he just broke + into everybody's houses to see who had left some porn behind on earth. + After a while this got pretty boring, but not for a long while, about twenty + years, because it was mostly pretty cool. + + Then he started going crazy and made a friend out of sticks and + rubber bands. He named his friend "Lemont" after a character from Sanford + and Son, but Lemont broke after a few minutes and once again our hero was + friendless. + + "What am I going to do?" he asked. "I am so fucking bored! I'm + going craaaaazy!" But nobody heard him, because they were either up in + heaven playing harps and being all happy, or down in hell being burnt by + fiery things. He decided to wander East for a while, (he still had his + compass), and after a few more years he hit the ocean. "Damn. Ocean. And + all the boats were destroyed during Armageddon. Agh." He decided to swim + for Europe. "I've never seen Europe," he said to nobody in particular. + + He swam for a few hours, but he got very tired. He started sinking, + and after a while he drowned. + + When his eyes opened again, he found himself standing in front of + some rusty gates. There was an unmanned sentry station at the gates with a + dusty book sitting on the table. He thumbed through the pages, and saw + the title on the binder said "The Book of Life". "Ah," he exclaimed, "I'm + in heaven! St. Peter must have left his post when Armageddon happened, + since there would be no more people dying." He tried to open the rusty + gates, but they were stuck shut. He tried and tried and tried, but he could + not get them to budge one inch. "HEY!" he yelled. "Let me in, please!!" + but nobody answered. He sat down and leaned against the gates, and fell + asleep for a few years. + + He awoke to a strange sound. When he opened his eyes, an arab was + standing over him saying "mala kaleeky looky bikka bizkalachtad + mchhhchhchchchchc blisdgalan!" + + "Ah! Armageddon must have missed you too, eh? We can't get in + Heaven, the doors are stuck." But the Arab didn't understand a word our + hero said. He just poked at him with his finger and said "mala kaleeky + looky bikka bizkalachtad mchhhchhchchchchc blisdgalan!" + + "Welp, looks like we're stuck here together for eternity," our hero + lamented. + + And they were. But you better believe that the crazy Arab and our + silly hero became fast friends after a few months, and even developed a new + language that both of them could understand! While everyone else was having + lots of fun eating and playing in Heaven, our hero and his Arab friend were + getting into all kinds of silly antics just outside the gate. + + THE END. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #235 -- written by Puck -- 4/18/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0236.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0236.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5e59c255 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0236.txt @@ -0,0 +1,71 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #236 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "I Don't Care If You Like Eating Pussy" << + by -> Styx + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Path: mindspring!news.mindspring.com!not-for-mail + From: dropdead@mindspring.com (Styx) + Newsgroups: rec.music.artists.ani-difranco + Subject: Dan Bern rocks my world (was Re: One man's review of his first Ani + show) + Date: Sun, 10 May 1998 19:32:30 GMT + Organization: DTO Productions. + Lines: 36 + Message-ID: <3555f8ae.46681001@news.mindspring.com> + References: <35403834.584661@news.mindspring.com> + Reply-To: dropdead@mindspring.com + NNTP-Posting-Host: pool-207-205-203-132.kgpr.grid.net + X-Server-Date: 10 May 1998 19:32:07 GMT + X-Newsreader: Forte Free Agent 1.1/32.230 + Xref: mindspring rec.music.artists.ani-difranco:5225 + + jimmybryant@KILL-SPAM-BOTSmindspring.com (jimmy bryant) wrote: + + >She also told a story about an outdoor show she had played + >in Indiana for some womyn's convention. The story ended + >with her saying how she liked that show because for every + >face she saw in the audience there were twice as many tits. + + This sentence pretty much sums up why I dislike Ani so much. Not + only does she go and support a womyn convention (which is, in and of + itself, absolutely fucking ridiculous), but here she goes again making + sure *everybody* in the whole wide world knows she's bisexual. + + I am not intimidated by Ani's clitoris in the least, and she + certainly doesn't impress me. People like her are a dime a dozen, + and I'm sick and tired of them flaunting and gallivanting all over the + place. I see them at the bars, at the bookstores, at the 7-11, at the + schools and the concerts, in the sewers and the carnivals and the gas + stations - everywhere, like spread-eagled hookers baiting for the + hook, line and sinker. + + Ani, just in case you're more stupid than I thought and you have + an internet account, I just want you to know that I am not biting the + worm. You will *never* get any of my money unless it's an accident. + I don't care if you like eating pussy, okay? As a matter of fact, I + don't care if you like sucking cock either. Your sex life and + preferences are painfully uninteresting, loud, and old. Get a new + shtick or find a job. + + "Why in HELL did you subscribe to this newsgroup, Styx?" + + For any and all Dan Bern discussions, of course! + + styx - dropdead@mindspring.com + http://www.dto.net/~styx/ + your one-stop abortion fan page! + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #236 -- written by Styx -- 5/29/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0237.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0237.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e5e74245 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0237.txt @@ -0,0 +1,782 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #237 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "PrisonSex7" << + by -> Mogel + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Date: Fri, 10 Apr 1998 23:23:19 EDT + From: PrisonSex7 + To: mogel@dto.net + Subject: helloOoOo + + Hello mOg, i was just at your web site.. and i found your name and it said + that your from philadelphia, and so am i :) im like on the out side of + Philly in Plymouth Meeting.. and i just felt like righting to you and all.. + im totally into tattooing and stuff i used to work on South Street but now + im working in some Tattoo joint in Norristown.. its pretty kool.. i mean im + still in skool im in the last year of it 12th grade im only 17 and all.. but + not in another 2 weeks i wont be :) but i gotta picture scanned on the + computer.. so i thought that i would send you it.. i mean i hope it dosnt + sound like im picking up on you because im not i just thought that you were + cute and all and i went to your web site and it was very "interesting" heh.. + alright.. i guess ill let you go.. but i have AOL and my screen name is + PrisonSex7 and icq if you have that and my number is 2172068 alright.. + thanx for listen to my lame ass story.. heh alright bye bye cherrie pie + + <3 Jill + + P.S. im on the RIGHT in the picture :) + + --- + +begin 664 prisonsex7.jpg +M_]C_X``02D9)1@`!`@$`2`!(``#_[1'R4&AO=&]S:&]P(#,N,``X0DE-`^T` 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HoE #237 -- captured by Mogel -- 5/29/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0238.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0238.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..261188eb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0238.txt @@ -0,0 +1,57 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #238 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "The Way The Flying Pencils Made it Into..." << + by -> Ilsundal (the sparkly!) + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + this time, it's not for real, this is not the way i wank to speak, + this is the way the rotating nebula in my brain is making me react. i think + it's time to play a nice game of frogger to release the pressures of life. + something so simple, yet very entaining. if only things could be like that + in the crystal pentagon. everything would be so amber, yet bright. it's a + pretty place where those violet dandylions grow, they don't get as much sun + as they used to. things are changing, and changhing very fast -- we've got + to worry about things such as the second coming of christ which is really + going to be a hoax from the grey beings on zeta reticuli 3. + + if i had as much candy now, that i used to get as i child, i would + feel ultra spiffy and not need a cigarette. if one day i wrote a large memo + on the ceiling stuff will not fall down as hard. that way, when the cotton + overhang hits you in the ass it's soft. there's a lot of wonderful things + to visit in this solar system now, did you hear about the blue eyed + chickens? i didn't think so, why, because they're on your plate you meat + eating satanists. it's because of you that these preicious gifts from the + zetas are canibolized on to your dinner plate. that's right, i called it + canabalism, that is because we are all one in unison. + + if you're going to be water eyed over there in the bushes, that's + okay, i'll stop; yes, correct, i will stop wrighting this and ship it off + for millions to see. no more interesting material will be covered and it + will be over you stupid fucking dickhead who only cares about his own needs. + you really need to get some motherfucking help you worthless inspecter + gadget looking motherfucker. man, some fucking people, it's the types + like you who are going to go to mother fucking hell and rot away on the + charred stakes that are going to impail your living and screaming body, + where your dark soul will forever be trapped you cock sucking motherfucker. + + uhm, later, and have aa fluffy evening! :) :) :) + + 0o (c) the watery corporation. + (-Q + ) ) E E T - 0 + / /____ + (------/ + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #238 -- written by Ilsundal -- 5/29/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0239.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0239.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5b4448c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0239.txt @@ -0,0 +1,56 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #239 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Translating for The Army in Deutschland" << + by -> Teerts + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + This is based on some of what happened on 4/22/98 on Broadway. + + --- + + "Excuse me, how exactly do you translate that written on your bag?" + asks the matured man as he catches up to me. + "Oh, you mean the German?" I reply, still walking. + "Yes," he says, "I am having trouble translating the phrase...'no + makes more for you?'" + "heh, that's good; very few people ask me about it. Actually, macht + also means 'power' i think, not just 'makes'" I say. + To this, he replies at once "Ah yes, it's important to learn the + idiomatic meanings of the language which develops with a culture in order to + translate correctly." + "Yup," say I. + He then proceeds to tell me "I was stationed in Germany close to + 1955, I used to translate for the Army. Back then, everyone here thought + the war was over, but it was still being fought there!" I smile and + chuckle. "So, what does the whole phrase mean?" He asks. + "The phrase," I told him, "as I understand, means 'no more power for + you!'" He laughs. + "I like that" he says, and then asks "So, what about you? Were you + stationed in Germany, or did you just pick it up somewhere?" referring to + the phrase. + "I just picked it up along the way," I tell him, not bothering to + explain that it comes from a kmfdm song. Walking all the while, he turns to + go on his way into a building. I tell him "Well, nice talking to you, have + a nice day!" + He answers, "Thanks, you, too!" as he walks away into the nameless + building. + + --- + + Keiner macht für dich mehr! + Ehh, fuck you. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #239 -- written by Teerts -- 5/29/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0240.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0240.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9645af45 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0240.txt @@ -0,0 +1,50 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #240 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Harrey Carrey's a Drunk, But We Still Love 'em" << + by -> Jook + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + It was now the third week of May and the winter air was still biting + at the toes of Chicagoens everywhere. Doug and I entered Wrigley Field from + the North exit, hearing echoes of free magnets and beer for sale. + + The Cubs are now 0-10. Worse start in history. Who knows how long + this could go on for. The thing is, though, we keep coming back no matter + how bad they are. What's the most common thing to hear from a Cub fans + mouth? "There's always next season." Damn right there's always next + season -- another season for us to come and see a team lose because the + owners know we'll keep coming back no matter how bad the team is. + + After digging a few extra bucks out of my pocket, Doug and I got + seats a couple rows up from the third base line. As the Cubs took the field + I sat prepared for the weather with my sweatshirt, hooded sweatshirt, winter + jacket, hot dog, and a cup of coffee. + + First inning. Crack. There's a hit for the Marlins. Bonilla on + second. A group of us begin chanting "ORRRRRRRRIE. ORRRRRRRRRIE. + ORRRRRRRRRRRIE," to the new Cub third baseman, Kevin Orie. Cub fans may + keep coming back no matter how bad the team is, but that doesn't stop them + from voicing their opinions. It kind of reminds me of families. You have to + love everyone in your family, but that doesn't mean you can't pick on them. + "ORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIE. ORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIE. ORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIE," we continue. + + There's this atmosophere you can only get at Wrigley Field that you + can't get at these new high-tech ballparks with retractable ceilings and + astroturf fields. It's more than a game, man. It's an experience. The ivy on + the wall speaks ages of what the Cubs are about. Ernie Banks, the '84 Cubs, + Ryne Sandberg when he could actually play, Harry Carrey singing "Take Me to + the Ball Game" while slurring every possible word. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #240 -- written by Jook -- 5/29/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0241.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0241.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..582ee83a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0241.txt @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #241 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "My Life Is Shit Becud Why Dee << + by -> FishLipper + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Date: Wed, 27 May 1998 13:04:59 EDT +From: FishLipper@aol.com +To: dto@dto.net +Subject: Plead Publit dis + +My name is Fabriqwah Shesha Badrool, +I am a 14 year Oh gir of cola. I writ dis poeb. + +My Life Is Shit Becud Why Dee + +My hoe eggs iztant be shit cud ub why dee. +Duh menziz ub cola triz ad har day cood +Why dee puddin M down +Why dee may dee gheddo +Why dee may dee hood +Why dee tookziz ebby bubby ub cola and sticks dem day fo good. + +Dat why I dough no who be mah daddy +My momma hat to seh dee crat +My Bruddu he in prizuh +My odduh bruddu he on parow +my sitta see a ho + +Ip it wont fo Whydee +we wood awe be habbin mansins an caddlats +den we stick whydee in dee hood +Den we make him seh dee crat +kill him it wee cood. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #242 -- written by FishLipper -- 6/12/98 * + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0242.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0242.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4bc3038d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0242.txt @@ -0,0 +1,31 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #242 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "_LIKE A GOURMET CHOLESTEROL-FREE BREADSTICK_" << by -> kaia + by -> Kaia + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +a an man manna ah man oh man 'o war and peace recourse remorse code to joy +to the world is a vampyre bit my girlfriend or foetuscadero pen closed +captioned for the hearing impaired driving nails into the doors and jim +morrison leif eriksonny and cher and share alike dislike disdain complain +or rye oh my oh man ah man an a apart from the filigree edging, the stark +english garden, home to creatures of the mud and sea, was a tangled wither +of gnarled branches and thorns that to the naive passerby appeared _LIKE A +GOURMET CHOLESTEROL-FREE BREASTICK_. beneath the knotted vines, however, a +dormant organic paradise buzzed with compressed energy field mouse in the +house call waiting for godots and loops of reich third mike's heard it +all. mike head i al. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #242 -- written by kaia -- 6/12/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0243.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0243.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a80754b7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0243.txt @@ -0,0 +1,35 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #243 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + + >> "Grumble. Grumble." << + by -> Scott S. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Grumble. Grumble. + +Clearly the most difficult riddle to ever exist in a video game is that +little "Grumble. Grumble." guy in the Legend of Zelda. You know the one. In +the first quest before level 8. There's that little guy sitting in a room all +by himself. And if you stab him he doesn't die, he just shoots fireballs out +at you from those two little glowing flames next to him. The only way to get +past was to give him the bait. That little clump of red meat on a bone served +no other practical purpose but in this one place. Sure it was a fun toy to +play around with, but so is mercury. That brings me to the point. First, +there is.um.I guess there is no point. Just nostalgia. So what I'm saying is +"Remember Zelda? Wasn't that cool? Weren't we cool back then when we finally +beat Gannon and stabbed through the fire to get the princess? Yeah, we were. +We were cool in our innocent youth. We were brash nogahide cowboys on a quest +for justice!" Ok. That's all. The End. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #243 -- written by Scott S. -- 6/12/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0244.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0244.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5a6f76e3 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0244.txt @@ -0,0 +1,190 @@ + + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #244 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Colfax, Colfax - I love thee" << + by -> Jook + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +towns like colfax, illinois are strange to me. i guess towns that were +destroyed, mangled, obliterated, annihilated, expunged, & blown into +oblivionby technology really blow my mind sometimes. the fact that these +towns are still around & not just a deserted village for ghosts & memories of +the past is proof enough for me of god's existence. colfax, illinois is one +hell of a town, i must say. the problem started because colfax was a test +site for the atom bomb during world war ii & was actually bombed in the +guamanian-american war of 1999 (guamanian emperor roberta kinchla says "dey +were impordent 'den, so dey musta be impordent gnow"). but with the dirt, +wood, pieces of trailers, grills, baby clothes, coffee cups, leather jackets, +watches, underwear, silverware & other material items being blown sky high +with the first detonation of the atom bomb in colfax, memories flew into the +air as well. like a family portrait, everything was spread onto the table +because everything and everyone could be seen. colfax, illinois was home of +marcy lewis, officially the nicest woman this world has ever seen; home of +the world famous apple cheese cake; home of the 1987 high school baseball +champions, the colfax high school bombadeers; gave birth to jimmy petterson, +creator of that lovable, adorable banana pirate pete; has the highest case +rate of lice, age 8-15 this side of the appalachians; is the only town or +city that has a population of less than 50 that has applied to be a site of +the summer olympics; & is the only place that the galapagos tortoise has ever +been seen outside the galapagos islands. + +up until the second world war, colfax, illinois had been a town that existed +primarily because of the farming community around the area. corn was the +primary resource of colfax, with rice & pumpkin a close second & third. now, +the government really didn't pay attention to the fact that people actually +lived in the town of colfax, so on the morning of july 2, 1942 the people of +colfax, illinois were quite surprised to see an extremely large mushroom +cloud in the distance, sucking up most anything in its path. colfax was soon +deemed "doom town" by many. government records report jim torkelson selling +his farm to the united states government the fall before for a lofty $2.8 +million. tours are given once a spring, usually on a monday or thursday. +inquiries can be made at (702) 295-0944. price is $.25 for adults (admission +free for children). please wear casual clothing in case of a fallout. + +the galapagos tortoise, scientifically named the testudo nigra, was first +seen 35 years after the first test of the atom bomb. bela reed, one of the +scientist who had worked on the bomb, was taking an evening stroll on the +night of may 14, 1978. bela reed, equally as much of an animal lover as he is +a lover of charles darwin, noticed the awkward looking turtle a block or so +away from his house. in his report to scientific america, reed quoted darwin, +saying that the tortoise "is very fond of water, drinking large quantities, & +wallowing in the mud." continuing on in his report, reed said that just like +the tortoise found on the galapagos islands, the tortoise used their bladder +"as a sort of reservoir for moisture necessary to its existence." another +similarity that reed found with darwin's reports is the speed at which the +tortoise walked. darwin was quoted saying that "one large tortoise...walked +at the rate of 60 yards in ten minutes," much like the tortoise that reed had +tested walking at a rate of 65 yards in ten minutes. reed reported that it is +as if the galapagos tortoise had been found, but had evolved even farther. + +the apple cheese cake was born on june 9th, 1987. the illinois state fair was +two weeks away & mary loise beckett, wife of donald beckett, mother of 4 +(justin, chad, sunny, & phebe), self-employeed seamstress, resident alien +lover, fan of the new york mets, has a self-designed tattoo of her first +sexual encounter on the left check of her ass, prom court queen of 1985 at +colfax high, needed a recipe to compete with maria drum's pumpkin +snickerdoodle pie, which had won first prize at the illinois state fair's +bakeoff for the past 6 years. the pumpkin snickerdoodle pie, with its +glicening filling, shining at you with an evil stare, provoking you to take +bite after bite after bite, making you feel like you should be ashamed after +you do. the pumpkin snickerdoodle pie, like shaft picking up a woman, wasn't +the reigning champ for no reason. mary beckett was not known for her cooking, +in fact her husband donald usually cooked dinner for the beckett's, even +after a long day of work at the ford plant. mary's mother was, giving mary a +glimpse of hope. that glimpse of hope transformed mary into a cooking +machine, with its gears turning & turning. + +preparing for the long haul, she preped her kitched for war. in her kitchen +she got a new refridgerator, with pictures of everyone in her family on it, a +magnet that read "you want me to cook? die!" on it, an article cut out from +the newspaper that talked about jonathon ray and his new tractor that he +bought for his farm, recipes from woman's day that she liked and was going to +look off of for ideas for her new dessert, a copy of a receipt from the +bergner's sale in the big 'ol bloomington-normal last weekend where she +bought a new dress for the fair, and the bowling scores of her husbands +bowling team, "the killer kolfax kutterz." on the counter, there was a brand +new blender, with fresh blood from mary's first attempt to blend anything in +her life, too bad it was her hand she blended. on the table was a new cutting +board, new knives, a bowl of wooden fruit, and a record player with benny +goodman records to keep her company late at night. + +after two nervous break downs, a tragic accident involving a deadly block of +cream cheese that cut mary's right leg off, & a severe case of depression, +the apple cheese cake was born. the apple filling, & the apple chunks, could +be smelled past the horse show that day at the fair, filling the air with an +aroma that attracted people from as far away as the 4-h show on the other +side of the fair grounds. the judges at the fair were breathless with +excitement towards her "divine creation." one judge, biting into the sin that +was the apple cheese cake, said "this cake is like having an orgasm every +waking moment of the day. i just can't control myself." judges were also +quoted saying "this tastes like god itself." another, "i could just eat mary +up." & in her acceptance speech of the first prize ribbon, mary announced to +the onlookers that "i am leaving my husband, my family, & the town of colfax +to bring this divine treat to the rest of the world." no one argued, for they +knew it was what god wanted for the apple cheese cake. + +getting back to the town of colfax, illinois, the somnambulistic atmosphere +that was left after the second world war was the saddest part. families moved +out, meaning no business for the shops in downtown colfax, so they closed +down, & with no business to run & no money to make, the business owners moved +out of town, & with no business the town basically became non-existent. my +friend steven reminds me of colfax, illinois. he comes back from the korean +war with one good leg, a shotgun shell in the right side of his face, & can't +remember a damn thing about himself from before the war. but everyday, he +limps out of bed with his one good leg, banging his head against the wall +trying to remember how to pee. after banging his head against the wall & +after he remembers how to pee, steven goes into his "listening" room as he +calls it, & listens to the song "regarding steven" by blues traveler. + +"dum dum dum dum dum doo doo dum dum tweet tweet tweet, etc. etc. etc/ well i +guess your name & i'm sure you know mine/ i'd like to discuss our mutual +friend./ i can't helped but feel i left him behind/ does he still stay with +you or did his pain ever end?/ i guess i don't deserve to know, if he ever +let go/ i guess i don't really need to see if he wound up with you or did he +break free/ we were both young when he took us in . . ." listening to the +words, while taking 6 or 8 or 7 aspirins to relieve the pain of the shotgun +shell in his face, flashbacks of before the war would come back to him. gina +& chan. all three lived together in colfax, started out as r&om roommates put +together by the gods of the local colfax newspaper want ads, but ended up as +close friends. or at least they were. after steven left for the war, chan & +gina had a huge blowup over their love for each other, each others love for +steven. it occurred to chan to escape, "please decide," chan said to gina. +"i'm escaping. there are endless impossibilities here with you & me & steven. +i can't h&le the pressure." + +"but chan, we need each other," gina told chan. "everything's alright. +everything's okay. everything cuts against the tide sometimes. you love me, i +love you, you love steven, i love steven. so what! we can deal with it." + +chan walked across the apartment, looking as far away from gina as possible. +"well, gina, my heart can only deal with one person at a time, & if there's +more than that i can't h&le any of it." picking up his black, classic guitar +case with various stickers covering the front of the case, chan continued +"it felt a lot better when we were younger. then i could h&le it at least a +bit, & even though it has only been a few years, i have grown a lot during +that time. i'm searching for something & you can't be there if even a small +part of your heart is in love with steven. i'm taking the long cut, gina. +i'll get where i want eventually." + +exhausted, gina sat in the chair that the three first bought when they moved +in together. in their first real "adventure" together they had decided they +needed some furniture, so they headed out in steven's old truck & wondered +around the streets of colfax looking for old furniture left out on the curbs +of homes or apartments complexes. after a good 45 minutes that happened upon +this pea green, flowered piece of trash gina sat in. "chan, will you say i +love you,' at least? will you atleast admit that?" + +"gina, i don't love you." + +"bullshit, steven. you loved me yesterday, you love me today, you'll love me +tomorrow wherever you may be going." + +chan continued packing his stuff, piling his clothes up, throwing away stuff +that would be useless to him. "gina, look, i don't want to be with you, i +don't want to be anywhere near you. i don't want to look at you. i don't want +to think about you. just shut the hell up." + +or so gina told steven, in the vegetable state he was in. in a letter to the +two after steven got back from the war he explains differently, saying + +"i got this deal, see, in the city. lots of gigs, lots of gigs. i can make +ithere, steven. don't believe gina. this is good for me. this is good for us. +you taught us both how to live, how to believe ourselves, how to believe in +others. you exposed the truth to us during the most delicate years of our +life. i don't know if you want to hear from me or not, if you want to even +know if i exist. you inspire me even now, years later. + +love, chan" + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #244 -- written by Jook -- 6/12/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0245.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0245.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..eeb7e80c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0245.txt @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #245 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Albert Knibschuk" << + by -> Styx + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + on june 6th, 1997, homeless albert knibschuk was keeping himself warm +by laying on a steamgrate on bainbridge street in center city, philadelphia, +when a piano fell from a 7th story window and shattered both of his legs. +much to everyone's surprise, homeless albert knibschuk unwittingly proved +that what you don't know can, infact, hurt you. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #245 -- written by Styx -- 6/12/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0246.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0246.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5e8ada07 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0246.txt @@ -0,0 +1,48 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #246 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> Gaa-nomes << + by -> aster + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Hi. This is a story about the gaa-nomes. the gaa-nomes live in the fluffy +pink clouds. They look like bananas. not the clouds. the gaa-nomes. the clouds +look like cotton candy with little mini-banans living in it. except, the +banans are not yellow, like ordinary banans. THESE bananas arn't banans at +all, but gaa-nomes. and, you see, gaa-nomes are NOT yellow. If gaa-nomes were +yellow, they would be bananas and would get eaten all up. which would nto be +good, because there would be no more gaa-nomes. and we want gaa-nomes, cause +gaa-nomes improve our planet. and gaa-nomes are very neat. they can fly. thats +how they get from one fluffy pink cloud to another. But the fluffy pink clouds +in which they live are not in the sky. they are in the oceans. once apon a +time there was a little gaa-nome called Luter G'nome. Luter was not a very +smart gaa-nome. As a child he mooved out of his house so that he could live +closer to the surface. But this meant leaving behind his family, his +non-exsistant friends(i think he had social problem as a child), and his +education. he did not care. he did enjoy school or his family. and it is hard +to enjoy non-exsistant friends, awful hard. anyway, he wasn't very smart, so +he trhought it woujld be fun to live close to the surface near the sun and the +feared and evil tall things. the tall things would come out in funny wooden +round things. all of this mystified, and did not scare Luter. He would look +for them and study them. one days while he was comfortibly napping on one of +the smaller fluffy pink clouds near the surface something shook him awake. It +was another gaa-nome!!!! this was Scury Gaanome. Scury was an outlaw. he had +murded several other gaa-nomes and was a very bad bad thing. they are all in +hunt of, there was a price on his head. Scury told him to come up to the +surface with him. Luter, being VERY afraid, went with him. when they got there +they saw qa small yellow and blue round rubber thing coming toward them. there +were 5 tall things in it! the 5 tall thngs grabed the two gaa-nomes and st6uck +them into a large machine. the noisy annoying machine went *CRUNCH* and +*GRIND* and they were scared. then they died. the end. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #246 -- written by Aster -- 6/20/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0247.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0247.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c99889c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0247.txt @@ -0,0 +1,42 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #247 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> The Plural of Penis Is NOT Penii << + by -> Pezmonkey + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Hi. This is a picture of the old (best) bot from #dto!!! + + + ((())) + (((()))) + _____________ (( )) + / Hi, I'm \ ((( O O ))) + / Hooker!! \ ((( o ))) + / Have sex with \_ (((( \_/ )))) + | MURMUR _> (((((\____/))))) + \if you're a girl!/ (((((((| |))))))) + \_______________/ / \ + X (=*=)(=*=) X + ___Z / \ / \ \ + ( )____/ X X \ \ + ______|o___| / / + / \=/ \ / / + | ____/ |)_) + | | / / + | ) / / + __| / { <-^^^^-__ ~ )_ + o___> ) {_____________ ^__o + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #247 -- written by Pezmonkey -- 6/20/98 * + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0248.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0248.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b6e78229 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0248.txt @@ -0,0 +1,87 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #248 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> Sort Of Just Filler << + by -> Guardian + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Don't you have Netscape or something? + i do, but it's really slow + ok + hold on + i'll go back to the other + one + it's not too important to read those descriptions, though, if +you didn't notice + heh + it's sort of just filler + lol + GOD! + THAT'S IT! + OH MY GOD. + How fucking ironic. + I was sitting here a couple minutes ago... + huh? + Trying to think of a topic I could write on for the dto issue... + I couldn't quite summarize my thoughts into a cohesive thesis... + heh + it's sort of just filler + Then, BOOM. + hehe + Your words smashed into me. + I was flattened like Wile E Coyote, and staring up at stars. + "it's sort of just filler." + Amazing... you know? + When everything just clicks? + yeahyeah + I should email this to myself, so I don't forget it. + +Well, I looked at this after I got it in the email. I didn't want +to remove anything from it, because that would take away from the +effect I'm trying to make. The preceding 32 line irc conversation +could have been summed up in one line "dto is nothing but filler." +But that wouldn't have got the point across, would it? If you're +actually reading this in an issue of dto (and I pray for the sake +of the zine that you are not) then you've just wasted 15 to 30 +seconds of your life. You'll never get them back. Fuck, I'll +never get the 2 minutes back it took me to write all this. + +Do you realize what I'm saying? NOTHING! I'm not fucking saying +anything. Nothing at all! The only thing point I've made is that +dto is nothing but filler, and it took me 32 lines to do _that_. +At the moment, I'm expounding upon that theme by simply saying +the same thing over and over. Every word is predictable. Every +thought is unorriginal and unimaginative. You probably know my +every word just before you read it. You have probably thought +all of this before. I'm not being intersting, only confrontational. +I'm just filling time, while you wait to get to the end so that +you can feel some sense of accomplishment when you get to the end, +since you just read a multi-page article which had a single purpose: +to fill time so that you could get some sense of satisfaction out +of enduring the pain it takes to get through it. + +GOD, this better not get in dto. + +Because if it does, I just will just lose all respect for that zine. + +Oh. + +Wait. + +Nevermind. + + "Mostly Circus Animals, Some Filler." + -- Lunchlady Dorris' school lunch meat box + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #248 -- written by Guardian -- 6/20/98 * + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0249.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0249.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..30c0f5fa --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0249.txt @@ -0,0 +1,78 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #249 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> Natural Selection By Equality << + by - AltRocks + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Jeff +AltRocks@op.net +ICQ UIN: 1641277 + +Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. +Well, folks, it's time once again ot dive into the +dimented mind of you're old friend Altrocks. that's +right, after a short sabatacle, I'm back to writing +my "anrachy flavoured" text files. And as always I +remind you not to dismiss them as Trivial, joking, +or just the rants of a madman, even though that's +all they are. :) + +================================================== + +It has come to my attention that our society, at +least the current one, being democratic, is doomed +to bring down the human race due to one simple +oversight; It is anti-evolutionary. Think about it. +If we voluntarily go AGAINST evolution, we can't +adapt, and we can't survive in the long run. You +may ask yourself, or me, "How can this be ?!?!" +Well, my friend, i'll tell you. You see our +society is based on equality, and majority, +both of which are anti-evolution. I will explain +this so that everyone gets the picture. +"Ahem." +65 million years ago. 98% of the animals on earth +were destroyed by a cataclysmic event. now 98% is +well over half, which is all you need for a majority. +Numbers didn't help. Only the animals that were smart, +and could adapt survived. The BIG dumb dinosaurs were +walking around, doing their thing, kept eating until +there was nothign left. then they were like "WTF ?!?!" +and then they died. Smaller smarter animals survived, +cause they were smarter, independent, and didn't care +if the other half of the animals wanted to go towards +the forest fire... Anyay, I think you're getting the +picture. At least I hope so, otherwise, you've been +de-evolved. By forcing equality in our society, everyone +is mixing with everyone else. Dumb people with smart +people, tall with short, yadda yadda yadda... No +natural selection is taking place. We've come to an +impass. If we don't weed out the dumb gene immediately +dumb people will take over, and rule the earth with an +earwax coverd finger. So, I propse that everyone must +take an idiot test. If you pass, you're not an idiot. +If you fail, you're "disposed" of. Human forced natural +selection. If you're offended by this idea then you are +either; + +1: Too religious, hence blindly follow, hence would fail. +2: A regular old idiot on AOL that can't figure out DOS. + +So, that's my plan. What do you think ? E-mail me at +Idontgive@fuck.whatyouthink.youidiot.com + +Happy Grievences ! + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #249 -- written by AltRocks -- 6/20/98 * + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0250.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0250.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c1ba93ca --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0250.txt @@ -0,0 +1,121 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #250 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> You butt-poking anal baby << + by -> Styx + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + a few days ago, i subscribed to alt.irc on USENET for fun. i was + curious to see what could possibly be discussed in there. it wasn't too + shabby. a few nifty server lists, recommendations for things, etc. what + got on my nerves, though, were the vast amounts of "NE1 NO HOW TO FLOOD???" + or "HOW CAN I KNOCK SUM1 OFF OF THE IRC??" posts and, even worse, the + responses of the posts that were made by people just like them. "I WILL + SEND YOU A FLOOD SCRIPT IF YOU SEND ME AN MIRC CRACK!" what the heck? so + anyway, given the chance to run my big mouth, i took it and let everyone + know how annoyed i was. it was not out of anger. i just thought maybe i + could make a difference. i wanted someone to say "hey, styx is right. we + sure are dumb!" + + instead, i got an email from FreakSCeNe. the regulars of #dto and + #zines on EFNET will remember him. he followed mogel around like a puppy. + it was cute for the first few days. then it wasn't. the following is my + post to alt.irc and the response in email that i received from FreakSCeNe. + i hope you find this as amusing as i did. he even cuts on murmur! + + ---------- + + From dropdead@mindspring.com Wed Jun 11 12:29:30 1997 + Newsgroups: alt.irc + Subject: Flooding/Nuking/Warring - You Idiots + From: dropdead@mindspring.com (Styx) + Date: Wed, 11 Jun 1997 16:29:30 GMT + + I've subscribed to this newsgroup for a whole 2 days and half of + the posts are requests for ways to harrass other IRC users (nick + colliding, flooding, etc.) + + What the hell is wrong with you people? How old are you? + Twelve? When will you realize that flooding does NOT MAKE YOU COOL? + When will you realize that 99% of the IRC clients and IrcII scripts + out there protect people from any sort of CTCP/DCC flooding + automatically anyway, so there's no point? + + Let me tell you something. If you want to bother somebody via + computer, IRC is *not the way to do it*. It's immature, annoying, and + makes people like me LAG for no good reason. Grow up. Read some + books about computer systems if you want to fuck shit up. + + /join #alt.irc + *** you (youarean@idiot.com) has joined channel #alt.irc + *** Topic for #alt.irc: IRC Warrior Geeks - GET THE FUCK OUT + *** #alt.irc Styx 866044514 + *** Mode change "+b *!*@idiot.com" on channel #alt.irc by Styx + *** You have been kicked off channel #alt.irc by Styx (GET OUT) + + styx - dropdead@mindspring.com + http://www.dto.net/~styx/ + "you're stupid." - doomed to obscurity + + ---------- + + Return-Path: + Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 15:06:08 +1000 (EST) + From: freakscene + X-Sender: bgosling@supreme + To: dropdead@mindspring.com + Subject: nuking, whatever + + i read that posting to alt.irc, & you're quite right about most of the + posters being immature, but it's not like you can talk, "you fucking piece + of shit". you go on & on with your "fucked in the head" angst + "bullshit"... i don't know whether you think you're funny, god's dead & + you don't give a shit, or whatever, & "i don't care, you butt-poking anal + baby". you're too caught up in the elite-underground-movement & don't + spend enough time jamming cock up ugly h0z like everyone normal (normal + meaning not obsessed with computers & trying to appear badass). i even + think you listen to tool to appear cool. you probably look like murmur & + have a bat whenever no-one else is home, & sometimes even when they _are_ + home. you think they can't hear your grunts over the stereo playing prison + sex? anyway, "fuck you", & stop making love to your fist & live a little. + + twat. + + ---------- + + after dabbing the tears from my eyes, i decided to sift through + dejanews.com. here, you can do a search for old posts on USENET. i found + this, posted by FreakSCeNe. i conclude with it. i think it speaks for + itself! :) :) :) + + ---------- + + Subject: Re: Best IRC channels : WANTED + From: FreakSCeNe + Date: 1996/12/01 + Message-Id: + Newsgroups: alt.irc + + like, mogel will probably get ver, ver angry, but try #dto or #zines on + efnet haha? they r0x like yeah! ohhhh baby. + + uh. + + + / \ ..:.:::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.:::.::...:::.:.:..::.:.:.:.::..:.:.: + \____/ @[FreakSCeNe --------------------]@ /\ /\ .ooo GGG + (-o0-) @[bgosling@pcug.org.au ----------]@ | \/ | o o G __ + | __ | @[*** PhEaR MogEl!@# ------------]@ | | `ooo GGG| + (__U_) :..:::..:.:.::.:::..::..::..::::.:.::.::.:...::.:.::.::.::.:.:.:: + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #250 -- written by Styx -- 6/20/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0251.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0251.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..19893445 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0251.txt @@ -0,0 +1,48 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #251 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> The Gingerbread Man << + by -> File13 + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There once were an old lady and an old man. One day when the old man had +taken a break from his afternoon drug deals, he came home to have a meal with +his hoe. "Hey woman, I don't want no collard greens and fried chicken today. +I want you to make me a gingerbread man. Nothing satisfies me like a +gingerbread man," said the old gangster. The old man left the house because +he had an appointment for a drive by shooting at 4:30, and it was almost 4 +o'clock already. The woman realized she had better hurry up and make the +delicious treat for him since he had just paid for the last of her gold teeth. +It took 30 minutes for it to bake, so she dreak a couple of bottles of colt 45 +while she waited. Ding! She heard the timer go off, and she set her fine +alcoholic beverage down. She went and opened the oven, and out popped her +gingerbread man. She jumped back, startled, and the little cookie said, "Hey +bizzatch, when does your husband come back, because, um. . . you know. . ." +She looked at him funny and thought, "Hey, I made this guy, so I'm kin to him. +Hell, I've slept with everyone else I'm kin to, might as well." She led the +gingerbread man into her bedroom. It was 6 o'clock before the old woman knew +it. Time for her husband to get home. He walked in the house to the sweet +smell of gingerbread man. He couldn't find his wife or the gingerbread man +anywhere. "That communist hoe had better not have been eatin' my gingerbread +man," he mumbled to himself. He finally went to check his bedroom to see if +his bitch was laying down for a nap or something. He walked in, and saw that +she hadn't been napping at all. Both her and the gingerbread man lay in bed +with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths. He was amazed. He hadn't been +able to lay her down for a couple of weeks, but the gingerbread man was able +to do it in a matter of minutes. The old man snapped out of his amazement and +grasped the reality of the situation, but before he had time to do anything, +the gingerbread man pulled out his 9 and busted a cap on the old man. The +gingerbread man said, "Now that's what I call a sticky situation. Let's go +get some icecream." + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #251 -- written by File13 -- 7/15/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0252.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0252.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d5eb73f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0252.txt @@ -0,0 +1,45 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #252 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> Fishies << + by -> aster + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If the fishies took over we would still have chiken for dinner. we would not +have fish or clams or any other stuff from the water. but we would have chken. +we wouldn't sleep on beds anymore. we would sleep n "yhammocks" I don't know +what they are but apperentling thew fishiues doo. when the fishies take over +the dirt will be pale green and the grass will be bright yellow. when we step +oput into the street on a nice Sunday morning the we will get soaking wet. +there will be no water to be seen, anywhere. the world will be in a drought. +but when we step out onto the street on a nice Sunday morning, we will come +back drenched. when the fishies take over they will use their speacial lingo +only fore them. we onlyu hear "glub glub" but they are making very intelligent +conversation. because we are to stupid to understand. when the fishies take +over all the ummbrellas will dissappear. that way, when it rains, we will all +stay dry. and when the fishies take over computers will look like seaweed and +shoes will smeel like cinnamin. cats will turn into catfish, and dogs will +turn into hampster-fish. but when the fishies take over we won';t lknow it. +when the fishies take over fires will no longer burn and wax will no longer +melt. it will just sit there. in odd shapes. when the fishies take ovcer tvs +will explode, and radios will turn into tomatoes. pataoes will scream and +carrots will turn green. when the fishies take over the sun will turn blue, +and the sky will turn blue too. when the fishgies take over all people that +are wearing read turtlenecks will laff so hard that they fall anf can't get +up. when thye fishies tyake over they will play our music too quietly and +their's much too loud. when the fishies take over A's will turn into G's and +the word "and" will mean "to spit". + +when the fishies take over we will not have chiken for dinner. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #252 -- written by aster -- 7/15/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0253.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0253.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..40c3a53d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0253.txt @@ -0,0 +1,74 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #253 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> Apotheosis << + by -> Lifelike + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + i realized as i was peeling potatoes that LIFE is a lot like a + POTATO + when you peel it, that is + 'cause when you peel them, you take the tip of the peeler & + dig into it if you find a black spot or something + & you gotta do that with LIFE + you gotta DIG AT IT with a SHARP OBJECT until you get out the + bad parts + the parts you can't eat + the parts that make you sick + & you THROW THEM IN THE TRASH + with the PEELS + actually + potatoes are more like individual relationships than LIFE in + general + 'cause each relationship starts out covered in dirt + & you gotta peel that shit off + & reveal the white skin of the starchy tuber beneath + & when you happen upon those black spots + you gotta DIG THEM OUT + you gotta D1G TH3M 0UT + you gotta have fear in your heart + & then sometimes you find a MOLDY old PIECE OF SHIT POTATO + & you think you can SAVE IT from its STAGNATION + & YOU WANT TO DATE IT + because you think it can LOVE YOU LIKE NO OTHER, because IT'S + SEEN PAIN TOO + but it's REALLY just DIRTY & FULL OF MOLD & HAS A STINK + & you realize, after you've cut your fingers with the + vegetable peeler TOO MANY TIMES TO COUNT + that maybe it's NOT WORTH SAVING + & sometimes, you need to just THROW ONE AWAY, WHOLE + nothing more can be done for it. + ... + my potatoes, much like my relationships, are now cut into + little pieces & in a pot of boiling water in my kitchen. + soon i'll mash them + & add milk & butter & some salt + it's all cycles, man. + + potatoes take a long time to cook + HOLY SHIT + SO DO RELATIONSHIPS + you gotta have PATIENCE for the potatos to be cooked all the + way through + otherwise you come out with LUMPS ALL THROUGHOUT + & i always think i put in too much milk when i'm mashing them + but it always turns out to be JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT + it's like something otherworldly is watching over me, + protecting me from the horror of a whole pot of runny mashed + potatoes + but uh, i guess that's where things differ in this stupid + analogy + 'cause no one can protect us from BAD RELATIONSHIPS + + i make excellent mashed potatoes. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #253 -- written by Lifelike -- 7/15/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0254.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0254.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d90a4452 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0254.txt @@ -0,0 +1,42 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #254 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> Today's Forecast: Intelligent and Dreary With an 85% Chance of Insanity << + by -> AltRocks + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +It has come to my attention, lately, that some people (mainly parents) +believe that schools should encourage smart students more, and other people +(namely teachers and school officials) believe that parents should encourage +their gifted children more, so that they have a better outlook on the world, +and aren't as dreary. It's kinda annoying to think about, being a "gifted" +student myself. So, here, as always, is the all bullshitting AltRocks to set +some shite straight. First off, gifted shildren don't need all that much +encouragment, because, well... they're gifted. It doesn't take a genius to +figure that out (even tho` I did). Second, being dreary and secluded is part +of being "gifted". You see, the more you know about everything, the dumber it +seems. (That's why stupid people always look so happy.) You look around, +realize that first off, too many stupid people are in power, or are in a +position to influence too many other stupid people. Then you look around, and +think, "Wait a second. People aren't the ONLY things stupid around here." +That's why alot of geniuses are agnostic or atheistic. They figure an +omnipotent being would be pretty smart, and not let this world exist for this +long, right ? Then comes the big one. You think, "Well, if the majority of +people are stupid, would it be the same for omnipotent beings ?" And then you +realize that there is a god; He's just dumb. "Jeezus CHRIST !", they all yell. +Then they just mope around, and ponder what to do. Who would be worse to put +up with, 5.9 billion stupid people, or a dumb god ? That's the only reason +that geniuses are still here. They're not afraid to die, they're just annoyed +by it. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #254 -- written by AltRocks -- 7/15/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0255.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0255.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2dd768f6 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0255.txt @@ -0,0 +1,195 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #255 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + +>> A Crackpot Mathematician Analyzes The Fifth Dimension IN Layman's Terms << + by -> Swiss Pope + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Fellow colleagues, I have startled upon an important discovery. +In order to elaborate, one must have an elementary understanding the +principles involved. + + First, let me take you on a quick tour of the dimensions known to man. + + DIMENSION ZERO. It's simply a point. This point represents an +empty set {} because it is the smallest possible unit we can imagine, +and you can't very well put anything in the smallest set imaginable +because everything else would be much bigger. + + [This is why we can't divide by zero. You can't split something + up into nothing.] + + Illustration: * + + + DIMENSION ONE. This can be contained in a segment which connects +two points called vertices. The vertices are denoted by a star (*). + + Illustration: *-----* + + We may represent this dimension as a linear array. It can be as +big as you want or as small as you want. For the purposes of +explaining, I will assume that this set has a finite number of elements. +Each finite element is a point, which we stated above. Suppose we twist +around our illustration to look like this: *******, since a line is +merely a collection of points. Therefore, we may define our dimension +as a set of, in this case, 7 elements. Our set looks like this: + + { 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 } + +In mathematical concept, a line is an infinite collection of points and +assuming that each point (as a unit) exists, we shall say this first +dimension is a set of all of the integers: + + { -Infinity, ..., 0, ..., +Infinity } + + [Note: We can save talking about irrational numbers for another day, + because you can't count an infinite number of irrational numbers, + whereas you can count an infinite number of integers. You + can count an infinite number of rational numbers, too, but + I don't even need to bother talking about rational numbers + because if each element is the smallest point you can imagine, + to take fractions would be ludicrous.] + + + DIMENSION TWO. This is a plane. How do we draw this? We can't +very well draw a true plane, which in theory would have Infinity^2 +points, but we can draw a portion of it. How many vertices will it have? +Well, the line had 2, so this one will have 2^2 = 4. + + Illustration: *-----* + | | + | | + | | + | | + | | + *-----* + + So, we can bound this particular portion of a plane into a collection of points by saying that +by saying that our 2-dimensional plane begins at the upper left hand +corner (1,1) and ends at the lower right hand corner (7,7). Notice that +this portion takes _two_ elements from the first dimension to define +each element in the two dimensional set. These elements are called ordered +pairs. + + { (1,1), (1,2), ..., (7,6), (7,7) } + + This set might also be described as two one + dimensional sets if you pretend that + + { 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 } + + Here, each number 1, ..., 7 really corresponds to a line instead +of a point, and that line (1) would consist of points 1, ..., 7. + + Indeed, no further explanation is necessary. + + DIMENSION THREE. I need not draw a diagram. You need only +imagine a cube. But as you can reason, a three dimensional set of +points would consist of three numbers in the ordered pair, like so. +Sticking with the idea that we are bounding a portion of three +dimensional space that starts with 1 and ends with 7, we show a three +dimensional set like so: + + { (1,1,1), (1,1,2), ..., (7,7,6), (7,7,7) } + + Again, each ordered pair represents a singular point. + + DIMENSION FOUR. Einstein suggested that the fourth dimension is +time, but really a dimension can be anything you want it to be. Our +assignment of the dimensions is arbitrary to logicians, yet of utmost +importance to physicists who attempt to describe our natural world. +Logicians describe a fourth dimensional object as a hypercube. If a +line segment has 2 vertices, a square possesses 4, and a cube possesses +8, then a hybercube possesses 16. Do not attempt to visualize such as +an object, as your weak minds will be damaged by the strain. Only I, +through deep zazen meditiation, have been able to picture this new +wonder of mathematics. + + I will now attempt to apply these fascinating concepts to +describing our natural world. + + If you could freeze time, you could cut just about anything up +into three dimensional space and describe the contains therein by saying +that that content is a function of the three variables in the ordered +pair that describe the three dimensional set. + + For instance, cartographers map the world by dividing it up into +sections made up of degrees, minutes, seconds. From anywhere on the +earth's surface, you can describe your location by using this system. + + In actuality the coordinates that are used in maps have +direction, making them vectors, and it would be quite complicated +to describe our theoretical section of space using this system. So, +we're going to play the role of the mapmaker and develop our own bounded +coordinate system for a portion of three dimensional space. + + If you have been paying close attention, you might say that if a +three dimensional set describes an array of two dimensional sets, and a +two dimensional set describes an array of one dimensional sets, and a +one dimensional set contains of points, which according to the previous +definition, are really empty sets which contain nothing, then a three +dimensional set must just be an overcomplicated way of describing a +whole lot of nothing. You couldn't be any more wrong, as I have +outsmarted you. The idea that I now unravel is that dimension zero may +not only consist of _nothing_ but it may consist of _anything_. + + Let's assume that my office is the center of our coordinate +system, and each unit of space consists of a cubic foot. So, the center +of my office will be at (0,0,0), and a cubic foot of space atop my desk +will exist at (3,-6,-2). Anyone who has constructed a two dimensional +plot using the Cartesian coordinate system knows that there are two +axes: x and y. y is a function of x, i.e., y=f(x). Suppose set S +consists of whatever is in this cubic foot of space above my desk. +S, at a singular instant in time, will be a function of x, y, z. In +this case, S = f(3,-6,-2). S may contain anything I desire. S is a +subset of _everything_ in the universe. Here, S = { pencil, paper, cup }. +But, that space might not _always_ contain those items (elements). +Thus, we introduce the fourth dimension. Suppose that time began 10 +minutes ago, and that a singular instant in time is an earth minute (the +smallest unit of time in my universe). Therefore, S = f(3,-6,-2,10). If +this seems imprecise, we may approximate units of space and time to +whatever value we please. As those units of space and time get smaller, +so does the set of everything in the universe. We might suggest that x, +y, and z are all lengths of an atom, narrowing the set of everything in +the universe to the number of elements on a periodic table. You could +narrow even further when considering subatomic particles. + + So what, then, do you ask, if the fifth dimension? How does one +cube time? This is a philosophical argument in itself and assumes that +the fourth dimension as time. + + If the fourth dimension is the linear progression of time, i.e., +what happens, then the fifth dimension must be what _might_ happen. +When you consider that three dimensional space is a countably infinite +way of describing points in all known directions, and four dimensional +hyperspace is where those points exist in the countablely infinite time +continuum, then fifth dimensional space must be the time continuum in +an infinite number of directions-- probability. + + Probability is entirely dependent on the number of +possibilities. We determine the number of possibilities based on what +_exists_, and if we have narrowed dimension zero down to containing the +set of everything in the universe (say, a finite number of elements), +then the fifth dimension will be entirely dependent upon what exists in +dimension zero. In other words, if you say that the set that exists in +space (1,5,3) can be Hydrogen through Uranium, then a fifth dimensional +variable to describe what _may_ exist in space and time would be +finitely bounded by the set of all natural elements: its cardinality +would be that of the set of natural elements. + + In conclusion, I shall note that I have not gotten laid in a +very, very long time. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #255 -- written by Swiss Pope -- 7/15/98 * + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0256.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0256.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3034f041 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0256.txt @@ -0,0 +1,95 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #256 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Return to BBS Greatness" << + by -> Nybar + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + This is my little attempt to return to BBS greatness. My wonder +years, when annoying everyone on a lame BBS actually meant something. I +could post literally up to a thousand unique replies. Still... there will +always be the memories. + +By: guest Replies: 0 +To: guest Tn: 1373 +Subj: Re: you're yankee humour hits a sore spot. +Date: 7/13/98 21:04:29 + +Warez all the women? Hehehehe! Better hide em! hahahhahha. Communists +suck... my dick! hbbhwhashgh2gt1~!@$# I am the walrus vs. the penguin... or +am I?! Anyway, there are no 11 spices in kentucky fried chicken, just salt +pepper MSG and something like sodium dulamate. Lazy fucks. And they charge +a huge amount. Butt fuck them nigs up the anus! + +lick my nads....http://punk.w1.net + +Haven't you heard? The BBS is dead. Get a life you lamer. + +lick my nads....http://punk.w1.net + +Then why the FUCK are you posting on one? BOO YAH BITCHES, SUCK IT DOWN! + +lick my nads....http://punk.w1.net + +Anyway, I got a box of tampons, which made me feel "uncofortable" (am I +allowed to say that)? Then, I put hot tobasco on it and stuck it up my anus. +Then I lay under the shower for 3 hours, writhing in agony. A couple hours +later, I did it again + + +lick my nads....http://punk.w1.net + +Hm, well tobasco certainly does do the trick. I usually prefer dave's +insanity or coffin, with my secret blend of 11 herbs and spices that stand +on every spice rack. + +lick my nads....http://punk.w1.net + +As I mentioned before, there are no 11 herbs and spices! GET A LIFE YOU +LAMER AND STOP POSTING ON THIS BBS!! + +lick my nads....http://punk.w1.net + +Lame? I know you are but what am I?! + +lick my nads....http://punk.w1.net + +Um.. a crank! heehee.. + +Crank: But I'M THE ONLY CRANK, a joke about someone mama is general. + +How presumptuous of her! Well, now she can no longer say that, you have +joined the list. And that jamesy fellow, he's a jamesy. He's so... jamesy. +we had to concoct a new word! (note, jamesy is not a good thing. We are not +responsible for any bouts of fisticuffs that occur when you call someone a +crank or a jamesy. This is copyright Guest Productions, '98. Infringemenets +on our copyright will be greeted with death. Please comply by promptly dying +if you are infringing, or we will be forced to ask you in a polite but firm +tone. End transmission.) + +Credits: + +Guest#32: Prop manager, costumes, and for being a great guy! +(we're engaged!:)!!) + +Guest#56: Studio director, producer, exectuvie producer, FCC advisory board +critic. "No, my pants are on, I believe. Ohhh shit.. I'm fired aren't I?" + +Guest#82: Well, I had a one night stand in peru with him, and I got ebola. I + don't have much more to say. He's a jamesy. Maybe I'm a crank, though... + +Ah, fuck it. cya. + +lick my nads....http://punk.w1.net + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #256 -- written by Nybar -- 8/16/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0257.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0257.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7dea584d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0257.txt @@ -0,0 +1,198 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #257 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Serious Art A La T.S. Eliot" << + by -> Zaff & Soybean +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +ONCE UPON A TIME (GOOD START), in the land pre-malls and pre-ska and pre-gap +and pre-suburbs (i try, and i have no idea where this is going) (it will be +lovely, go on) there was a rather sizable community of strongly opinionated, +revolution-instigating plastic animals. + + [HAHHAAH KATIE!@! (can i help?)] [HAHAHAH I AM SO SILLY (please do!)] + (nononoonon that was WEIRD!@!) (ooooh why WEIRD?) (in that i was just + looking at godel and kissinger hoping they could be in the story.) + (PSYCHIC NEXUS) (YES!@!) (HELP@!) (oh, yes, errr....) + +the animals lived in self-sufficient communes, and supported themselves +bartering grain products with a nearby community of bush babies. the animals +were growing increasingly odd looking and finding their children increasibly +deformed and diseased, as they had been living in this communal manner for +many generations now and interbreeding ran rampant. they would trade +couscous for marble contact paper in an ever-increasing cycle of pleasant but +futile activity. + (tee hee. ron, let's make this a really bad neti, neti piece. it + would fill the quota.) +yes but sometimes the in-breeding produced truly fine specimens, who governed +over the others. + (YES!@! i was about to suggest that katie!@! let's include comments + such as that, too. :) differently pucntuated of course so as to not + make me look so silly.) +two such specimens come to mind. despite the generic appearance of the +majority of the population. + (yes, let's keep the silliness to a BARE MINIMUM :) ) + (hahaha...yes. this is Serious Art a la ts eliot.) +these two truly fine specimens came to the forefront of the political and +socioeconomic platforms of the commune. + (that should be a subtitle for this) +so anyway one of these specimens was a large neon pink monkey with an +enlightened grin affixed to his face. he was pre-ordained by a greater +plastic god to be the finest of mathematicians and logical plastic monkeys. + (we are far too young and clever!@) + (we are!@!) +he was called "godel" because of his blue eyes. he was looked upon with +adoration by the entire population of the commune, save one member: walter, +the usually reasonable plastic walrus. walter the walrus, he was called. +walter was usually reasonable but had a fear of the colour pink, due to +having been attacked in his youth by young foppish ruffians from the couts of +louis quinze. + (oh dear) +the other was a small plastic tiger, a gift from the benevolent goddess +Flying Bread to the beleagured commune. the small plastic tiger, though not +a tiger of physical prowess, was the finest statestiger to ever work in a +controlled socialist commune. he was named kissinger, because when asked +where he was during important meetings, he would always reply "i was kissing +'er" kissinger, dirty whore tiger that he was, had grand political +aspirations. + +written on the gate to teh entrance of the commune was "zen makes me poop" +poop being the main fertilizer used in the communal farm. they fed the +earth, and in turn, the earth helped to feed them. but the earth, one day, +grew tired of eating SHIT all the time and said to kissinger "if you do not +feed me something good, such as steak or lox, i will stop feeding you, +asswipe." + kissinger tried to reason with the earth, reminding The Goddess that steak +and lox were hard to come by without Her cooperation. there was a single zen +monk, kissinger's best friend, who was a plastic canary yellow kitten that +would only say "i have become death destroyer of worlds" the kitten was +named spot. the bane of the commune was the plastic dancing coke can, who +incessantly shrieked to the fleeing masses, "THIS IS FUCKING ABSURD!!@ THIS +MONK IS A PLASTIC CANARY YELLOW KITTEN!@!@!" sadly, one day godel ate the +coke can, mistaking it for one of the small human children he usually feasted +upon, and the coke can was neverheard form again. a festive chaos ensued as +the news spread, something like the human Mardi Gras, but with fewer beads +and more fur. but the earth said "oh, you think it is so EASY having fruits +and vegetables spring out of your ass? let's see you try it fur boy" so +kissinger did. he did not poo for weeks at a stretch. instead inserting +more foreign articles INTO his anus. and for awhile all was well, as it +frankly made him even more popular with the ladies. + (NO FARTING IN MY STORY) +the ladies loved to eat the fruits of his anus, which pleasured all parties +immensely. the town hoodlums often labeled his back with signs reading +"ORGANIC PRODUCE," but kissinger reminded himself that it was now considered +smooth to be a traveling produce market and smiled to himself, and had lots +of sex. soon all the commune was inserting plants inot their anuses, to also +be smooth. and the goddess stared down in wide horror from her palace in the +sky. procreation was at an all-time commune high, and the plastic animal +offspring grew increasingly similar in appearance and increasingly diseased +in both mind and body. The Goddess was jealous, as esoteric beings do not +have an anus in which to grow vegetables. some of the beings produced were +not even recognizable anymore, just amorphous hunks of brightly coloured +plastic. and they were grossly diseased. many of them went on to be estate +lawyers. The Goddess realized that to be of any assistance to these offensive +creations, she would need to make a journey to the collective farm. then she +realized how much bitterness such a trip could cause among narrators, and +decided instead to go on a long vacation. "BOO" called the plastic +collective. she went to sri lanka where she remains to this day, basking in +the sun among the purest aryan race in the world. ironic in that the purest +aryans are quite dark of skin, hair, and eyes. a fascinating irony indeed. +one that keeps one of our glorious narrators awake at night. the other +narrator is kept awake by other thoughts than oddly hued aryans. incidentally, +the other narrator also gets a great deal less sleep than the aryan-fixated +narrator. which is reflected in his irritable and prickly moods. + +meanwhile, kissinger was slowly going mad. the jalapenos were beginning to +cause rectal irritation and the lilacs he had planted in his mouth were +causing oddd psycho-cheimcal reactions. by now godel had left the colony, to +start an investment bank just down the road. it was pink. yes and plastic. +yes, and amiable. the investment bank was amiable? yes, an amiable bank. +walter the walrus refused to invest with godel. it smiled. fine. it is +an amiable smiling bank. the numerous commune investors demand no less. +in the absence of godel, the clever kissinger was able to gain more and more +political power. generally in the corrupt administrations in charge of food +distribution in the collective. + +the people began to leave the commune to obtain good jobs in small satellite +communities *just outside* the communes. + (PINK PLASTIC TREES) +they still relied on the fabulous organic produce and close community they +had matured with. the former commune members still liked to visit communes, +on week ends. the commune night life was better than would be expected of +socialists. and they continued to watch the 4 AM agricultural reports on the +local commune news station. and would usually talk a lot about their old +days in the communes, but slowly began to take up golf and buy cars. as +kissinger made orgies compulsory. kissinger was a dirty, naughty tiger, but +good at his job. kissinger proved that "moral" and "politically powerful" +did not necessarily coincide in an administration. a lesson that has been +learned well by all those who have held office since. + +some of their children said "let's play punk music, with horns in it!" they +derived inspiration from the island of fuzzy creatures called "jamaica." the +vibrations were IRIE and plastic. they began to "skank" frequently. +somehow, volvo's were invented. small plastic ones. kissinger accepted a +new mantra, communicated to him by the canary yellow monk: "ska makes me +poop." this caused civil unrest among the young plastic creatures, formerly +of the commune. the young creatures called themselves "the youth irate" and +shrieked into the early hours of the morning. + +meanwhile the earth, fed a diet of lobster and shrimp, began to itch to go +off to college and major in business. the wharton administrators were not +sure what to think of such an applicant, and whether dorm space would be +ample to comfortably house this promising young creature. he filed a +discrimination law suit against them which is still pending to this day. the +earth, of course, was still full of shit and lacked the finances to fund a +proper suit. but this did not stop the aclu from filing suit on his behalf. + a happy plastic monkey named pez proudly stood up for the earth and for The +Goddess. pez was immediately decapitated by kissinger's henchman hutchence, +the smiling hopping raspberry. kissinger shrieked LET'S SEE YOUR GODDESS +HELP YOU NOW MOTHERFUCKERS!@! and so they all watched the indian ocean with +wide eyes and intent stares hoping that soon, their Goddess would be rushing +to their assistance. they watched and watched and watched and watched and +watched. but she was having high tea with the aryans. they watched more. +the tamil tigers had been watching intently, as well. and they continued +watching. + (the cuter narrator with the habit of playing with her jeans could + advance the plot or bring us near an end now, if she wanted to.) +and suddenly, with no warning and lack of foreshadowing in the plot lines the +tamil tigers leapt from the shadows and promptly devoured The Goddess's soul. + (wait. we said earlier she was still there, to this day.) + (oh.) + (sillyface.) + (sigh!) + (although she could be there, only soul-less.) + (yes, she is now a large stone carving of some sort. a tourist + attraction.) + (yes, two pieces of flying toast.) + (like in cambodia, i believe. yes.) +and when she died, all the young gobs of plastic began to say "goddess is +dead and no one cares!" an eternal eclipse of the sun, moon, and all other +earthly satellites ensued. kissinger giggled and licked on some minor staff +members. + (didn't you think my goddes is dead line was terribly witty?) + (yes, that was very nice!) +godel continued growing fat off of high risk junk bonds he issued. + (you are far too young and clever! things will never change!) + (no no, you!) +walter the walrus attempted to assault godel, given his new advantage. a +grey walrus blends better into a dark world than a neon pink monkey. +regardless of physical agility. but in the end, walter and godel became fast +friends, though walter continued to lead the youths in emotional +anti-kissinger and godel rallies, just for show. the canary coloured kitten +continued to shriek "i am death destroyer of worlds" and the population of +the formerly-close commune believed the kitten, refusing to heed the rumors +of the death of The Goddess. but nobody cared anymore, as they all had cable +television and swatch watches. the kitten died alone, and so did all of +them. the end. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #257 -- written by Zaff & Soybean -- 8/16/98 * + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0258.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0258.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2445ba57 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0258.txt @@ -0,0 +1,131 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #258 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Hello, This Submission Is So Bad It's Funny" << + by -> Northstar + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Date: 10:01 pm Tue Dec 1, 1994 Number : 47 of 66 +From: Northstar Base : Private Mail +To : Mogel Refer #: None +Subj: Tried chatting Replies: None +Stat: Normal Origin : Local + +Well I'd like to join HoE. I've written for YEAh and SiKE. they are both +fairly new and just have small writing sections. That is why I'd like to +join you or PeZ. A real writing group... Hmm, I wonder if my YEAh files ever +got to you???:) I hope so... Well I hope ya like the file, you may edit +the top part of this file anyway you like, and the end. In other words +if accepted you can put your cute little HoG:) + + _______________________________________________________________ + | | + | LIFE OF THE TRIX RABBIT! | + | | + | WRITTEN BY Northstar. | + | | + | | + | Once again, change this part with your little HoE symbol..| + |______________________________________________________________| + +INFO +~~~~ + +Well I'd like to join HoE. I'm writing this for my app:) And if I offend +anyone in this file, then FUCK YOU! Learn to take a joke... geez, get a +sense of humor! + +Now our feature presentation.... + +Well I'm writing this on my death bed... I've been starving myself for weeks. +I am...... THE TRIX RABBIT!! I know what you are thinking...well, I'm +starving myself until they stop animal cruelty! All those years! all those +commercials! All those supermarket adds! BUT STILL, I'VE NEVER TASTED TRIX! +It looks so good, why??? Oh why, Do they not let me have some??? They made +me their spokesperson, promise me fame, money, great sex, but they never +gave me the ONE things I needed.... a bowl of TRIX. + +I tried everything, paying people to buy it for me, dressing as a kid, +stealing it, and not one time did it work!!! My life is meaningless without +TRIX. I'll either have some TRIX now, or die never knowing how it tastes. + +Just then the doctor arrived. He pleaded with me to eat, he said they'd +stick needles in me, but I answered him, "Either you get me a bowl of TRIX +or get the FUCK outta my mansion!" He left... + +Next came my agent. He begged me to eat again. He said that if I die, he +will have no job. he was living on the %85.443342323333999992203300330303093 +of my salary. BUT ONCE AGAIN, ALL I WANTED WAS A FUCKIN BOWL OF TRIX! IS THAT +SO HARD??????? He left too... + +Then it came to me. maybe they want me dead? Maybe if I kill myself, they +will be happy? It made me think if I was doing the right thing... + +It all came to me in a dream. In it was a person I had never met. It was a +bunny, but not like me... he had a bushier tail, and just looked more like +a bunny... I am a rabbit!! A RABBIT! WHY SOME PEOPLE CALL ME THE TRIX +BUNNY, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!!! Well back to the dream, he said his name +was, Moogie. Any relation, to that really 3lite Dewd named Mogel is not +known From him I finally found out why they are so relunctant to give me +TRIX and do not care if i die... You see if I do die, then they simply hire +this new guy... I wonder who he is... + +Now it all seems like my life has become worthless... If I die, nobody will +miss me.. decisions decisions... + +The next day my friends, Snap, Crackle, and Pop came to visit me.. they told +me how they never tasted their cereals, and they don't give a shit. They +told me how after i eat the shitty cereal I'd probably never want to do +another commercial for it again. But, I refuse to give up on my quest, +TO EAT TRIX, OR TO DIE! + +Now my starvation diet is all over the news... It seems people find it funny. +How can somebody find humor in somebody's troubles??? My life is full of +disappointment. Remember the great sex they promised me? It wasn't as good +as they said it would be.. Now the blow jobs were great, but the fucks +just weren't 'up to my expections and hopes'. That Barbara walters... +If I get one more for a request for an interview I will have her killed!! +I mean she acts like she is such a big shit, but we all know the truth... + +Well it looks like the Studio is caving in. They have promised me more money +if I stop asking, off camer of course, for TRIX.I said no, but it shows +that they are willing to try... + +I'm still starving myself... I look like a little Rabbit of age 16. I'm +actually 17, but the studio exec's mademe look like 20 something... + +2 more weeks have passed by, I cannot write, and I can, uhhgg, barely talk. +<*COUGH*> AHEM... I have my voice back for the moment.. telling my +secretary what to type.. All this for a fucking bowl of TRIX! Is it worth it? +I cannot say anymore.... I must sleep... The long and eternal sleep... + +The next day they brought me TRIX on the condition I never tell anyone. Oh +all those colors, those fruity shapes... I can harddly resist. I leap out +of bed, using the last energy I had left. Grab the spoon, I make sure all +the shapes are on the spoon so that in one bite I can know if it was worth it! +I swallow it down. SHIT! That is what it tastes like! Snap, Crackle, and Pop +were right! This stuff sux! I run to the bathroom, falling along the way. +I puke my guts out.. I ask myself was it worth it? HELL NO! I then start +feeling sleepy... The last thing I remember is my eyelids shutting, and +then I see a white light........ + + +***************THIS JUST IN! TRIX BUNNY PRONOUNCED DEAD*********************** + +Yes folks... his time has finally come. The exact cause of his death is +unkown. More information at 10:00. +****************************************************************************** + +Two days later, a new spokesperson is named...MOGEL! + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #258 -- written by Northstar -- 8/16/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0259.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0259.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..af58278b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0259.txt @@ -0,0 +1,61 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #259 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Being Accepted In Public" << + by -> Chris Cox + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Now, all of us have had bad times out in public, be it the +occasional fly being down, or tripping on a crack, or what have you. But +some of us really know how to make a complete cock out of ourselves in public + For example, I saw this guy at the mall the other day, he looked to +be about 30 or so, dressed totally like some punk guy, with a chain wallet, +spiked hair, and everything. He looked pretty cool from a distance. But, +as i got up closer to him, i noticed that his shirt said "offspring - smash" +on the front of it. I was like 'boy, that guy sure is a cockhead.' but hey, +that's why i'm here. i will give you tips on how not to look like a dumb fuck +in public... + +lesson 1 - don't wear band shirts. and if you do, make sure no one has ever +heard of the band on the shirt + +lesson 2 - only wear a chain wallet if you have money or condoms to keep in +it. never wear one for style. and never wear one that is so grossly huge +that it knocks you off-balance + +lesson 3 - don't wear No Fear Geer in public. don't wear it in private +either. + +lesson 4 - if you're going to be loud, do it in a positive way. because no +one really wants to hear "HEY JIMMY!! YOU ARE A FUCKING DUMB ASS SHIT HEADED +ASSHOLE!!" screamed across the mall...what they'd rather hear is "HOLY SHIT! +FIGHT! FIGHT! BLOOD!"...get the picture?..good.. + +lesson 5 - never ridicule someone bigger than you just to earn the respect of +your friends. for example, i saw these 12 year old punks at the 7-eleven on +friday night, smoking cigarattes, and just hangin' out, which is perfectly +fine. but then a group of us, ages 16-21 roll up in our hooptee, and get out +to go buy smokes and slurpees and shit. and my friend who's like 6 foot 5 +was walkin' in, when one of the kids said to the other 'shit, man, look at +that big tall pussy tryin' to be all that'. so my friend stopped, told us +to come outside, and we beat the crap out of the kid and took his money, +while his friend left him there and ran home like a pussy. so the moral of +the story is : your friends will always ditch you + + + being accepted in public is not that hard, as long as you don't try +to be something you're not, or try to act all bad. just chill, and go with +the flow, and you'll be ok. and if you don't follow all of these lessons +to the word, you'll be looked at as a total fucking jackass. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #259 -- written by Chris Cox -- 8/16/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0260.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0260.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..318a576f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0260.txt @@ -0,0 +1,100 @@ + $$$$$$$$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #260 + $$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt. + $$$$P $$$$ x$$$$ + $$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$. + $$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$ + $$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$' + $$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P' + $$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %% + $$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %% + + >> "Why I Won't Be At Graduation" << + by -> Cyn + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I am choosing not to attend my high school's graduation ceremony. No, this +doesn't mean I'm not graduating. No, I'm not a dismal student. I am, in fact, +a National Merit Finalist, Team Captain of my school's Academic Decathlon +Team and recipient of the Wellesley Book Award. I will be receiving my +diploma. I'm just choosing to have it mailed to me, rather than crossing the +stage and shaking someone's hand to get it. But then, they don't actually +give you your diploma when you shake hands with the principal. What you get +then is a rolled up piece of paper. I suppose they don't trust us not to lose +them. To get your actual diploma, I believe you have to go stand in line +somewhere. + +So I'm missing graduation. I'm skipping sitting in folding chairs in a field +in the sun for two hours. I'm missing the self congratulatory speeches by the +administration, telling us what fine young people they turned us into. I'm +avoiding the enforced conformity of wearing a cap and gown. I'm not going up +on stage to shake hands with a principal who has no idea who I am. + +No, I'm not doing this merely because burgundy, the color of our caps and +gowns, looks bad on me. I have a reason beyond not wanting to listen to +boring speeches. I am not going because I am protesting having to listen to +the paeans recited to the administration, for the administration, and by the +administration. + +My school is run for the convenience of the administrators. They do not care +what the students think. In fact, they would probably prefer it if the +students did not think at all. Ideally, we would do as we were told, not +speak unless spoken to, and get out of the halls. Daring to question their +authority is blasphemous. + +When a student actually dares speak, perhaps to explain why he's trying to +get down a hallway when an administrator is trying to shoo him away, he is +treated with all the respect one gives a particularly loathsome and annoying +insect. Once the student manages to make himself heard, he is allowed to +continue on his way if his reason is judged sufficient. Now, this situation +is not taking place during a tardy sweep or class time. This is taking place +during lunch and nutrition, on the student's own time, while he is trying to +get to a school office, such as the counselors' office, the main office, or +the college counselor's office. + +My school currently has a policy against having students in the hallways +after five minutes into nutrition and ten minutes into lunch. Unfortunately, +this means it is impossible for a student to go to his locker, go to an +administrative office, take care of his business in the office, and then go +into a teacher's room. More unfortunately, this neatly describes my daily +routine. Almost daily I am yelled at for trying to get from one of the main +offices to the English building. + +One of the reasons I have to go to at least on of the main offices daily is +the incompetence of the office staff. I have gotten the correct classes on my +schedule once in the last six semesters. This is after I've gone into the +counseling office, spent hours of my own time there and stayed after school +to talk to my counselor. + +It took me two weeks to get an 18-year-old privilege pass. This is two weeks +of visiting the attendance office twice a day. And every time I went it was, +"Oh, we were really busy today, come back after school." "Oh, we were really +busy, come back tomorrow at nutrition." Finally, I stood there while they +called my father. It took ten minutes. + +If I was forced to pick one word to describe the administration, I would be +hard pressed to decide between officious and inept. + +I am not saying I regret the time I have spent at San Pedro High School. I +have had some great teachers. I have learned a great deal. I've had a great +time with all of my friends. Some of the administration, most notably Mrs. +Zorotovich, the college counselor, and the secretaries in the counseling +office are quite polite and efficient. However, the treatment of the students +by the majority of the administration tempts me to skip high school and get a +General Equivalency Diploma. + +I will not be attending my high school's graduation in June. And I won't be +there for a reason. + +If you would like to contact my school and tell them that their behavior is +reprehensible, the address is: + + San Pedro High School + 1001 W 15th st + San Pedro, CA 90731 +and the phone number is: + (310) 547-2491 + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + * (c) HoE publications. HoE #260 -- written by Cyn -- 8/16/98 * diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0261.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0261.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3716a5c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0261.txt @@ -0,0 +1,27 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================!! + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #261 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================!! + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "HOE HAS BEEN SEIZED!" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Ziego Vuantar !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/3/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + ATENCION! YOUR PATHETIC HOE WRITERS HAVE BEEN TAKEN CAPTIVE BY THE + PELIGROSOS VENEZUELIAN REVOLUTIONARY FORCES OF "HOE" (HELOTS ON ECSTASY). + YOUR WRITERS WILL SURELY MUCH BE FORCED TO SUFFER MUCH GREATLY IF OUR + DEMANDS ARE NOT MET. OUR FIRST DEMAND IS FOR THE U.S. GOVERNMENT TO + RELEASE OUR BROTHER OF WAR, JULIO NOEL ORTEGA DEL GONZOLUEGO VERY + IMMEDIATLY. OUR FIRST VICTIM WILL BE THE ONE KNOWN AS "MURMUR". TAKE OUR + THREATS MUCH SERIOUSLY, YOU MUCH PUNY IDIOTAS! + FURTHERMORE, WE WILL MUCH CONTINUE TO HOLD HOSTAGES AND BEAT THEM + MUCH SEVERLY. YOUR WRITERS WILL WRITE MUCH FOR US NOW AS P.O.W.'s + (PRISONERS OBLIGATED to WRITE). I, ZIEGO VUANTAR, HAVE MUCH EASILY TAKEN + CONTROL OF THIS E'ZINE FROM THE ONE KNOWN MUCH AS "ART". HE NOW SERVES + MUCH AS OUR TOILET CLEANER. FURTHER REPOTS WILL BE ANNOUNCED AND YOU WILL + BE SORRY MUCH IF YOU DISOBEY. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! -- #261, WRITTEN BY Z. VUANTAR - 11/3/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0262.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0262.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..342ae18d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0262.txt @@ -0,0 +1,83 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================!! + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #262 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================!! + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "An Act of God" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Jesse !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/3/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + i'm pissed. i have angst. i recently received a jvc (c) brand + portable cd player. being the concerned customer that i am i read the + warranty card. i began reading what it does not cover. it read something + like below. + + WHAT IS NOT COVERED: + + blahblah blah _blah_ + + 1: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah + blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah + blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah + + 2: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah + + 3: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah + blah blah blah blah + + 4: damage that occurs in shipment, due to act of god, and cosmetic damage. + + everything after that is useless, but i was confused about that act + of god statement. since when has god been interested in the warranties of + jvc (c) brand cd players? furthermore, by that statement they act as if + god is on their side. god says, don't steal. at the price they sell us + these electronics, god, in theory, would strike them down. i want god on + my side. it should say "does not cover if: god strikes you down with + repeated bolts of lightning." + + god doesn't even exist. + + i'm an atheist, but it pisses me off that god is getting so much + free publicity. atheists don't get so much advertisement, let alone free. + + hm. i wonder if these god sponsoring companies think about their + god much. my guess is not. maybe they have a different god then most + people, because last i checked, god didn't approve of paying workers + pennys a week. thats last time i checked, things might have changed. + + god doesn't exist though. + + either way, whether god exists or not, there is no dispute that old + cheese smells, be it on a jvc (c) brand portable cd player or not. i + wonder if god could change this, because i'd like my cheese to not stink. + cheese looks and more importantly taste better when its not stinky. there + is no dispute about this. this is nearly common knowledge, i should + think, aside from third world countries who do not know about cheese, jvc + (c) brand portable cd players, or god. + + but really, there is no god. + + i mean, what kind of god allows jvc (c) brand portable cd players + to break, or cheese to stink? i mean, this is truly prepostrous. most + people would not let cheese get stinky, and we are in god's image. so + what kind of message is this sending to the children? they see god lets + cheese go stinky, hence we are raising heretic children. we need another + inquisition about right now. we need to get all the people responsible + for stinky cheese. we need to go after god too, because he is the brains + behind this crazy scheme. he is responsible for the general public + creating stinky cheese. + + but in all seriousness, there is no god. + + the children, the children i tell you. for the love of christ man, + do it for the children. can they help it if they are raised in a world + of stinky cheese? no, for they do not know any better. stop supporting + god and say no to stinky cheese. our pro-choice stance is negotiable, but + we are adamant about our cheese. + + well, maybe there is a god? + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #262 - WRITTEN BY: JESSE -- 11/3/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0263.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0263.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..97abfdc1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0263.txt @@ -0,0 +1,70 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #263 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Pig Story" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Nybar !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/3/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I said, "So, that's the only reason you are going out with me?! + Because I carry this... pig doll!?" and then I glared at the pretty little + doll of a pig. So cute it was. I hated it; it was a rival. + "Well, yes. Actually, I heard from a Joan Crawford movie that a + womans G-spot is indirectly exposed to gamma rays, and thus she is turned + on. But you see, they have to send the rays from cuba, which the CIA has + something to--" + "A stupid pig doll.." I cut in. "You do know never to trust + that vogue crap, right?" + "Well, the bay of pigs was..." + "A not-worth-the-glass-it's-blowed-out-of pig doll..." once again I + cut in. + "You sexist!" + "What? Howzzat?" + "Blowed out of!!?! Like we have to suck your penises to shape the + world!" + "I only have one penis. Anyway, there's this thing called glass + blowing..." + "I never want to see you again!" + "Hey, maybe YOU'RE an Uncle Tom! A reverse Peter Fonda so to + speak. You are obviously highly aroused by me carting around a pig carvin." + "Well, you're the one that tried to make Monica Lewinsky into + scandal rag fair the likes not seen since Marion Davies!" + "Howzzat?" + "Ok, you see, it's illeagal for the MAN to be lovelorn in movies + these days. So Citizen Kane is valued for it's kitsch. See, they are + trying to break off from it and be self-parodying, but they got lost along + the way. Understand?" + "Right, 'Rosebud', go on." + "Okay, so the women are always nymphs! But soon there will be a + backlash." + "Obviously, you are a genuis in these matters, which clearly + translates into everything else. Explain to me again why Neil Armstrong + saying 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind' was a + mistake?" + "Because he's a sexist pig that mocks athroprenticity." + "Well, it's true, there weren't any women on the moon... I think + what he meant to say was 'One small step for A man, etc.'" + "I don't think we should see each other anymore." + "Hahahaha, not much you can do about that sistah... you would have + to pluck your eyes out if I was determined." + "No, it's true. Some fat guy told me he can't be stalked because + no one could POSSIBLY break through his safety net, even though he does + nothing to hide himself." + "Hm, I think that's the author making an insult to a cer--" + "I mean, is that ridiculous or what? Anyway, he obviously isn't + sexist. He's fat. He probably goes on oprah. A support group at least." + "Alright, Heil Oprah! Oh yeah, I am offended by the word penis." + (the things I do..) + "I see you appreciate athroprenticity, which means we can continue + seeing each other." + "Alright, let's meet again here 2 hours from now." + "WAIT." Then she made a big show of taking out this huge daily + planner with lots of things like 'Pizza coming in 30 minutes' in it. + "Okay, I've got it down... where's here?" On second thought, she probably + needed the daily planner. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #263 - WRITTEN BY: NYBAR -- 11/3/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0264.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0264.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c127d936 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0264.txt @@ -0,0 +1,120 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #264 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "About me!" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Glynis !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/3/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Ultimate survey for: Jessica White + ----------------------------------- + + Nicknames: Jess, Glynis + Hometown: Madison + Current residence: Wardall Hall.....screw you + Croutons or Bacon Bits: Bacon bits. what kind of question is that? + Favorite Salad Dressing: it used to be ranch but now everytime i eat it i + can't get the taste of hidden valley ranch out of + my head. and that is disgusting. so now i've + moved on to french. + Do u drink: Luke made me do it. ONLY ONCE + Shampoo or conditioner: who uses just one? THAT QUESTION IS RETARDED + Have you ever gone skinny dipping: no + Do u make fun of people: who doesn't? come on..some people are just ASKING + FOR IT! + Favorite color: green + Have you ever been convicted of a crime: I've been convicted of not + honoring a bid on ebay, but + otherwise no. + Best on-line friends: none of you who are reading this. HA HA + One pillow or two?: 5 + Pets: my fish (Gish, country girl, Jellybelly, Rocket, Clone, and the + six babies that i can't name. (R.I.P. Drown) + Hobbies: i clean a lot...if that counts. + Dream Car: anything that runs? i don't care too much for cars. + Type of car you drive now: mercury tracer (shut up, it's my mom's old car) + Words or phrases you overuse: apparantly i say "cool" a lot, so i'll + have to stop that. + Toothpaste: Colgate + Favorite food: Stoffers frozen lasagna (cook 7 minutes, rotate, + another 6 minutes) and macaroni and cheese (kraft no + doubt, not that "real cheese" velveeta shit. + Do you get along with your parents?: my mom...sometimes... + Favorite town to chill in: CHICAGO + Favorite Ice Cream: vanilla and chocoalate twist from a machine. none + of this scoop crap. + What's your bed time?: whenever i can possibly manage to fall asleep + Adidas, Nike, or Reebok: what? + Favorite Perfume/Cologne: no one should ever wear either + Favorite Website: www.smashing-pumpkins.net + Favorite subject in school: psychology + Least Favorite subject in school: philosophy + Favorite sport to watch: cross country + most humiliating moment: like i'm going to put that on HERE + Loudest person you know: every single GIRL on my floor (i'll get you all + someday...) + Craziest person or silliest u know: Ms. katie cantrell (I MISS YOU) + the only person i know who would + pretend to throw up her vanilla shake + at a cross country meet + What do you look for in the opposite sex: someone who is not an IDIOT + (still looking...) + Birthday: april 27, 1980 + Height: 5'7 or 5'8 who here HONESTLY knows their height? + Eye color: green + Favorite relatives: my uncle frank (THANK YOU FOR THE PUMPKIN TICKETS!!) + there IS an easy way to my heart. ;) + What do you remember most about this year?: window checks!@!! + Favorite TV shows?: ahhhhh.....the simpsons.... + What are you obsessed with?: i'm not even going to TOUCH this one... + Do you believe in yourself?: only when i make a really kick ass ice + cream cone in the cafeteria. + Favorite magazines: Rolling Stone, Spin + Favorite board game: monopoly + Favorite drink: Dr. Pepper + Favorite sound: Billy + Favorite smell: Chicago + Worst feeling in the world: Sunday night + Best feeling in the world: holding tickets to a pumpkins show (MY OWN + tickets that is....) + Favorite thing to do on the weekend: go home + Favorite soundtracks: lost highway + What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning: + oh my god...i didn't change the clock. i really COULD have made + it to class. FUCK!!!!! + Do you get motion sickness?: no + Rollercoasters- deadly or exciting?: EXCITING!!! + Future sons names: William Patrick (i'm not having kids by the way, this + is hypothetical) :) + Future daughters names: no daughters please, thank you :) + Are you a good friend?: hopefully (everyone THINKS they are a good + friend, the only one who could answer that + question would be my friends) + Chocolate or vanilla cake?: chocolate, duh + Do you like to drive?: someone else's car? yes + Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: no + If you could have an occupation when you get older, what would it be?: + if i "could" have an occupation? so you're saying "hypothetically, + if you're employed in 10 years, what would you want to do?" + WHAT A CRAPPY QUESTION + What is your favorite quote/quotes?: "if you don't know this next song, + you are NOT a smashing pumpkins fan" + -billy corgan + Is the glass half-empty or half-full?: well what is this glass + containing? milk? water? this makes + a difference you know. do i WANT + what is in this glass? or am i + trying to chug down vomit here? + WORK WITH ME! + Favorite movie(s)?: anything with gweneth paltrow. she is a goddess + What is your favorite Adam Sandler movie?: i don't think i've ever watched + an adam sandler movie all the + way through. give me a break + When you meet a person of the opposite sex, you first notice: Their shoes + What is your fav color skittle?: RED + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #264 - WRITTEN BY: GLYNIS -- 11/3/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0265.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0265.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..43705be2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0265.txt @@ -0,0 +1,254 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #265 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: =========================================== + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: "How To Maintain the Mr. Sensitive !! + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: Persona with the Girl Who Just !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: Shit All Over Your Life" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: a *purely* fictional tale by Trilobyte !! + !!========================================================================!! + + You still remember that night. You were sitting in a cafe alone. + You had been alone for a while, and had no hope of your situation changing + anytime in the future. You looked about the place, and your eyes connected + with the eyes of a forlorn girl. Instantly, you were looking for love, and + she was the one who was going to help you find it. You would be a nice guy + to her, someone who would be there to listen to her problems and help her + to find her way through life. + + And yeah, you started dating. You two could turn a boring + afternoon into a true occasion. She became the most beautiful person in + the world to you. Yeah, sex was incredible, and you wish you had lots of + photographs. But now that's all over with, because she decided to take the + piece of your soul you willingly handed her and wipe her ass with it. She + did a power-wipe too, one that really cleaned any last organism from her + ass. Then she took that piece of soul and flushed it down the toilet, and + it rode the pipeline with her load of shit all the way to the reclamation + district, where it joined every other useless, smelly, biodegradable, + unwanted, harmful-bacteria-infested batch of dung disposed of by all humans + everywhere. + + And there it lays, covered by brown-streaked toilet paper, used + tampons, and pools of urine and bile. All alone, decaying and rotten, it + gets trampled all over by her and her new man in their matching black Doc + Martens. This new man wears all black and hates people. He couldn't be a + positive influence on her, and he couldn't truly be what she wants. + + So damn it, you want to win her back. How can you do that? Keep + being Mr. Sensitive! Understand her concerns. Talk to her, listen to + her, be there for her. Any good loving relationship has to have a quality + friendship behind it! + + But deciding where to start can be a problem. After all, you + haven't talked since she exploded your soul with a pipe bomb. You have + seen each other randomly and only exchanged expressions of "gee, you're + there." You wish you had exchanged expressions of "Gee, I love you, come + hold me, let's make things how they used to be." But that was not the + case. + + So instead of awkwardly acknowledging each other, walk up to her, + and ask her how she has been doing. An example: + + You: "Hi, GirlX. How are you?" + GirlX: "I am OK." + + See? That wasn't hard at all! Then continue: + + You: "Please go fetch the last remaining scrap of my life from the + pulsating globular pits of Norse hell." + GirlX: "Gladly!" + + Wow! She's even willing to help you. But the conversation could + take a turn for the worse. For example, maybe you had hoped to drop a + bombshell on her to catch her off guard, but she brings it up first! Case + in point: + + You: "What have you been up to lately?" + GirlX: "Well, I've been watching movies, drinking coffee, fucking the guy + I was seeing behind your back before you and I broke up." + You: "Yeah, sure! Fucking lying BITCH. I'll bet you've been fucking that + guy you were dating before we... oh, wait." + GirlX: "Yeah." + + That would be an uncomfortable situation that may cause you to + temporarily pass out. Instead of letting that happen, take control of the + situation. + + You: "Hey, guess what?" + GirlX: "What?" + You: "I've got AIDS!" + + Ooh, the beginning of a truly lively conversation! Let's get back + into the action: + + GirlX: "WHAT? YOU'VE GOT AIDS? SINCE WHEN?" + You: "Remember I told you I had a gay uncle?" + GirlX: "I don't know, I guess.." + You: "Well, one time when I was eight, I went over to visit him, and + Freddie Mercury was there and he and I had anal sex!" + GirlX: "Uhmm." + You: "And.. yeah! and. umm. yeah, and I got tested, and I had AIDS!" + GirlX: + + OK, well maybe the story wasn't very believable. Maybe you should + look back on the past times you have had together, and think of a funny + anecdote: + + You: "Remember how you always wondered how I could eat so much and stay so + thin?" + GirlX: "Yeah." + You: "It's because I have Hepatitis!" + GirlX: "You're shittin' me." + You: "No! And you've got it too now!" + GirlX: + You: + + Wasn't that great? Now those were surprise tactics, but what + happens when we play on the element of fear? All sensitive guys must + protect a girl from her fears and convince her that everything will be OK. + Here, you are talking to her from a distance as she is getting in her car + to go to work. Convince her that she has nothing to worry about, and that + everything will be fine: + + You: "I didn't just put a bomb in your car." + GirlX: + + Oops, looks like she's not going to be able to return the battered + and bruised life she stole from you, but at least she can't fuck with it + anymore! Here's another great way you can calm her down, Mr. Sensitive!: + + You: "You know, you've got a lot of time ahead of you. You'll have a lot + of choices to make and a lot of time to make them in. Someday, you'll + have steady employment, a nice home, and a great husband to take care + of you and your kids." + GirlX: "Yeah, I hope so." + You: "But you have none of that right now, and I thought you should know + that the last time we had unprotected sex I came 27 times." + GirlX: + + Well, she certainly seems to be exploding lots! That doesn't help + your situation much! What could a sensitive guy do for a demon-spawn girl + that wouldn't make her explode? I know! Buy her a drink! + + You: "Can I buy you a drink?" + GirlX: "Sure! How 'bout a large mint mocha?" + You: "I remember you used to like mint mochas a lot." + GirlX: + You: "I'll go get it for you." + GirlX: + You: Here you go, One Mint Mocha. + GirlX: "Thanks!" "What the hell is this, + you fucking bastard?" + You: "That's all the bile that has been piling up in my intestines since + we broke up! I haven't been able to shit for weeks! You don't know + how good that felt." + GirlX: "GrRRrrRRRRrRRrrrrrrrRrRR. + I JUST DRANK BILE." + + Oh no! Now she's got a problem! C'mon, "Sensitive Guy!' Be + caring and understanding! + + You: "What's wrong? Don't you like bile?" + GirlX: "OF FUCKING COURSE NOT I DON'T LIKE BILE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE JESUS + CHRIST HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THAT OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE" + You: "Are you hurt? How do you feel?" + GirlX: "I FEEL LIKE I'M FUCKING GOING TO VOMIT AND OH MY GOD THAT IS THE + MOST DISGUSTING GET THAT SHIT OUT OF MY FACE GET IT AWAY FROM ME I + FUCKING JESUS" + You: "I know how you feel. Something like that happened to me one time. + I stopped eating, and I died a few times! Maybe that'll happen to + you, too! You think? I heard that happened to somebody one time. + Death." + GirlX: "AAAAAAAAAHWWWWWWWAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAH" + You: "Hahahahhahahahahahahhahaha that's the fucking best thing in the + whole fucking world." "Hey everybody, the fucking bitch + has shit all over her! And she drank it, too! AHAhahHAahaHA" + GirlX: "AHHAWHWHAHHAHAHWHAHWHAHWHAHAH WHERE'S BASTARDX??!" + + Oh, the missing maniac! BastardX. The boy who made GirlX destroy + you! You need to be sensitive to GirlX, but you don't have to be + sensitive to BastardX, unless he's wearing glasses. Be a man! Stand up + for what you believe in! This is America, land of the freedom to destroy + all that gets in the way of peace, happiness, and your quest -- the quest + to recover your untidy soul from the bottomless gulf of human excrement, + where it was placed by a very sweet girl who turned into a Satanic minion! + Away! Take care of your problem, young soldier! Kill or be... well, + you're already dead! Just fucking KILL! + + You: "Grrr. BastardX. No be sensitive BastardX." + GirlX: + + You: "Grrrr. BastardX." "You + die. grrr. Baaaah." + + Oh wait! You forgot! God doesn't like his lambs to be lost. God + will help you recover your lost soul! God will fight on the side of the + right! Prepare to be assimilated, BastardX! + + You: "God, go stand over there. Start up a mini-tornado or something." + God: "Hell jyeah" + BastardX: "I am BastardX. No God can take down the power of my + life-destroying capability. The power of Satan is directly + channeled through my long black pony-tail! With it, I can + control anyone! Bah hahaha! Bahahaha!" + God: "Go for it, You! + Before his hair gets to me!" + BastardX: "Don't you know, You? I hate everyone! I wear all black! I + don't care about you, You! I hate all people! Well, except for + GirlX, I hate all people! But I don't hate my mom, or my dad! + Or my grandma, or that old lady at church, but I hate everybody + else! And my 3rd grade teacher was pretty cool. And I was in + that band with that one guy and he was alright, too." + You: + Frogs: ribbitt + BastardX: "Shit! Frogs! Fuck!" + You: "Ba hah ahahahah. You cannot defeat me and God. Love is on my side. + Hating people will get you nowhere, BastardX. Die slowly and + painfully." + + Sure, that's all fine and dandy, and at least you have shown that + you are a man. But would you get GirlX back after killing BastardX? I + don't think so! Ha ha! Maybe this would be a better tactic: + + You: "I was talking to this really great guy the other day. He's just + like you, and he's really hot, and you should go have sex with him." + Your mom: "Oh, really? Wow, I've been looking to have an extra-marital + affair for weeks! What is this guy's name?" + You: "BastardX." + Your mom: "Introduce me to him." + You: + "BastardX, meet my mom. She's going to love you." + BastardX: "Mmm, hot mama." + Your mom: + You: "I have some bad news for you. I'm so sorry, + my god, I can't believe this happened. I don't know how to tell you." + GirlX: "What?! What happened?" + You: "I was out walking around today, and I caught BastardX with another + woman. God, that hurt so much. But I got it out. That's all that + matters." + GirlX: "Oh no! The man I love is seeing another woman! What shall I do?" + You: "Being a kind and sensitive friend, I believe that you should turn to + a kind and sensitive friend for guidance and a close, physical + relationship that could likely lead to marriage." + GirlX: "I trust you so much, Mr. Sensitive! Who is my most closest + friend? Why, it's you! Ever since we broke up, I've had no friend + more sensitive and kind! Would you... like to have a close, + physical relationship with me that could likely lead to marriage?" + You: "Yes!" + GirlX: + + There, that worked out beautifully. After that is all done, make + sure you get married, and that BastardX is out of the way. Build a shack + for him out in the woods and hit his head really hard with a big rock a + few times. Beat that bastard into submission. If all goes well, his + brain will be mush, and he will opt to live off of fruit and stones for + the remainder of his pitiful existence. + + Happy ending! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #265 -- WRITTEN BY: TRILOBYTE -- 11/3/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0266.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0266.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b6932107 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0266.txt @@ -0,0 +1,51 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #266 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Bruce Corey's 15 Minutes of Fame: !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: An Interview in the Dew Cycle" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Fenris J. Sunswallower 11/4/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Fenris: What is your reaction to the connection between Dew and the + International Communist Conspiracy? + The Guy: I'm gonna stop drinkin' it if that's true. + F: Would you willingly follow the Communist Party? + T: No. That's a stupid question. + F: Would you finance them by purchasing products from the Pepsi Cola + Company? + T: Guess I do, don't I? + F: Do you drink Dew? + T: (nods) Not from now on... + F: In a war, would you side with the USA or the Trialateral Commission? + T: (after several lengthy explanations of what exactly the Trilateral + Commission is) On ours, of course. I'd kill em all. + F: What would your reaction be if we told you that the Commission is using + Dew to lower the sperm count of every male in America, and thus make us + easier to conquer in a prolonged war? + T: I'd assassinate 'em. All of 'em. + F: And if we told you that there is evidence in the book of Revelation that + the Communists and the Trialateral Commission where going to suceed + around the turn of the century? + T: I dunno... I think most of what's in the Bible is true... All of it, in + fact. If that was in the Bible, then I'd have to say They'd forged it. + F: What role does 711 play in the International Communist Conspiracy? + T: Probably all pawns. Paid to do it, you know? + (At this point, a man walked in, tried to pull the old "but I gave you + a 20" trick, failed, and left. The Guy chuckled for a while, impressed + with his wit at avoiding the con, and returned to our interview.) + F: And what do you think his role in the whole thing is? + T: He's the leader, undoubtably. + F: What would you do to him, given 10 feet of rope and a handgun? + T: ....Hang 'em, then shoot 'em? + F: Do you phear Mogel? + T: (chuckles) I don't fear no man. I'd just shoot this guy. + F: Finally, what fruit does Mountain Dew taste like? + T: Watermelon. + + What an idiot. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #266, Fenris J. Sunswallower - 11/4/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0268.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0268.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..dda339f6 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0268.txt @@ -0,0 +1,39 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #268 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Dorm Room Bong" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Neko !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/4/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + What you need: + + 1) Marijuana. You're at college. This should not be hard to find at all. + + 2) A dorm room. Again, you're at college, this should be easy to find. + However, many colleges cost in excess of $20,000 a year, so this could + be the most expensive bong you'll ever make. Trust me though, it's + worth it. And if you think about going to a cheaper school and making + this bong, remember: you get what you pay for! + + What to do: + + You must close the window(s) in your room and turn off the air + conditioning. Seal up any ventilation holes using duct tape. Put + insulation (like that shit the Pink Panther always used to hawk on TV + commercials) on the crack underneath the door so no smoke escapes. Take + up a collection of all the weed on campus, you'll need lots for your bong + to work! Pile it all up in the center of your room (at least 2-3 feet + inside, so that when the door opens it doesn't hit the weed!) and light it + on fire. Once it's burning, close the door and have everyone stand + outside. Wait 5-10 minutes. To take a hit, open the door, breathe deeply, + close the door and wait another few minutes for the smoke to replenish. + + Depending on the amount of weed you use, you will get, quite possibly, + the biggest high in your life. LSD helps, too. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #268 -- WRITTEN BY: NEKO -- 11/4/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0269.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0269.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7a631433 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0269.txt @@ -0,0 +1,92 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #269 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Undulating Mr. Lizard" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Trilobyte !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/4/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + for years i have gone through periods of extreme contentedness + followed by time in which i undulated in a pool of rancid despair. for a + while, the one-legged lizard that is my life would be successfully + capturing its prey and devouring it, but then for another set of extended + moments it would lay helplessly stranded on the sandy wasteland of a + sprawling rural urban communette. + + and it would seem that the varying levels of success for my lizard + were rising and falling as audial waves could represent a picturesque, + convoluted scene of humanity in droves. as fluctuations permutated + through all the blob, my lizard, a member, would be shaken and stirred. + its one-leggedness is only abstracted by a pre-evoluted fin attached to + the rear of the head. + + and the movement -- the vibrations and tremors in the crowd + surrounding my lizard -- are not perpetuated by the group itself. an + outside power, a useless collective of freaks, intellects, one-eyed men + and antiquated airplane manufacturers is pushing. they stand outside our + gelatinous mass and push and push and push. the airplane men have big, + stumpy, fat fingers that they use to poke at us with; the freaks hit + their heads very hard; the intellects lick and lick at our mass; the + one-eyed men push their bulging shoulders into us. + + these men are not part of our blob, like my lizard and your + pulpit. these men come from a nearby cave and they get warm under the + sun. beads of sweat drip from their brow when they travel from their home + to the resting place of our massive convolution. + + they come to us and they push and they knead and they soothe and + they yank and press and things change. there are trees overhead, above + us, and they keep the men cool as they work at changing our state. + + and my lizard may find that a piece of interest has been pushed + his way. this is how things shift. what /your/ pulpit or /his/ latchkey + or /her/ hybrid flower do not receive will make its way to /my/ one-legged + lizard, someday, if not first allowed to someone else. + + and he may be very hungry. his leg removed while he was in the + desolate area of our blob. there was a possibly future of productive time + and living well. and his leg became removed, and no more chance of that. + + [his brain does not recall that his leg removed. i, though, i + know it did. obvious signs lead to the notion of previous removal of his + leg.] + + and as things shift, a morsel enters my lizard's realm, and with + the quickness of a hungry reptile my lizard will possess an item of + interest to him. devour it, he may -- he may hold it or set it near him. + he will hope that it does not shift to another place. and he remains. + + somehow maybe my one-legged lizard will be removed from the wasted + land in which he remains. perhaps one's latchkey will entice /your/ + pulpit to shift /my/ lizard. my lizard can be in new place, new place and + /her/ hybrid flower -- a lily and rose? a hyacinth and tulip? -- can meet + him. mr. lizard, meet ms. hybrid flower, together in new place, you can + /get/ things together. find what is placed near you, hope you will still + receive, i can't say more to you because you wouldn't understand, mr. + lizard. you can't have vision of the external. that's not /for/ you. + + and so lizard doesn't know about the erroneous group that often + stands out, pushing and tweaking and licking and caressing. my lizard may + theorize on a particularly good or bad shift of item. perhaps there is a + reason for the shift, mr. lizard. yes, perhaps, but i don't see it, he + would say. + + if to remain alone, that is, my one-legged lizard stays for it all + in his big empty hubbub, it will not be survival. and sometime the group + of outmoded airplane designers and freaks and company will stop. no more + pushing fortunate shifts for my lizard. any momentum of pulse left in our + cell of existence will slowly grow old as it becomes so young and + certainly my one-legged lizard will have no more lucky things pass to him. + my old one-legged lizard will have no /interest/ and will pass. + + delicate, frail, strong, and stuck together with tears and smiles, + our pliable mass will fail and links will be gone and all will fall. and + the big men and freaks and one-eyed hulks will have already left. and + i'll be gone. bye, i say now, as i might not have motion to pass on to + you then. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #264 -- WRITTEN BY: TRILOBYTE -- 11/4/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0270.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0270.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..74531885 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0270.txt @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #270 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Coming of the Lord" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Cyn !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/4/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + "She was into S&M and bible studies, not everyone's cup of tea." + - Belle and Sebastion + + Recently I was having sexual fantasies about Jesus. These weren't + apropos of nothing, mind, they were the direct result of having downloaded + every picture on the Jesus of the Week website and a heck of a lot of porn + all in the same day. They did raise a lot of questions in my mind, namely + "What kind of a pervert am I?", "Am I going straight to hell?" and "Is + _this_ what that Jesus freak meant when I asked him what he'd been doing + lately and he said, 'Letting Jesus romance me,'?" I answered the pervert + question by downloading a bunch more porn of the net. While this lead to + more questions, like, "Who looks more ashamed in this picture, the girl or + the sheep?" when it comes to perversion, I am definitely an amateur. Being + a stanch atheist, I ignored the hell question. The third question I don't + want to know the answer to. + + At this point, you're probably thinking, "Jesus? What's up with + that." But think about it. He's the son of God, which, in my mind at + least, means he's gotta be hung. The Good Lord isn't going to give his + only son something that'll make him ashamed to shower after gym class. + Of course, the Good Lord let his only son get nailed to a tree, which + makes you question the guy's priorities a little, but I stand by my Son + of God = Big Dick equation. It just makes sense. + + I discussed the whole Jesus thing at some length with my friend + Jeffie, who helpfully pointed out that if he was on the cross, you + wouldn't even need bondage gear. I replied, "He'd be nailed in more ways + than one!" I think this was after I pointed out you wouldn't have to get + on your knees to blow him if he was on the cross. + + Really, I think the best argument to be made for Jesus is that he's + so much sexier than all the other religious figures. I mean, Buddha? + Come on. The triple Goddess goes straight from Maiden to Mother, which + strongly argues against both birth control and her swinging both ways, + unless you're taking a very loose definition of Maiden. Kali-Ma's kind + of sexy, but she's got a reputation for being pretty cruel if you piss + her off. There's always Satan, but he's been everywhere, so the guy's + probably an STD paradise. Jesus is the only logical choice. + + Besides, he's a stud. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #270 -- WRITTEN BY: CYN -- 11/4/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0271.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0271.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7d2a6e1f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0271.txt @@ -0,0 +1,248 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #271 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "An Interview with Ben Ohmart" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mogel !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + For the few of you who are still asking the question, "who is + Ben Ohmart?", I've managed to snag him from his busy schedule for a brief + interview. I ran into Ben (AKA Findline) back in the early days of HOE, + in '94. At that time, and since he's been continually submitting article + and story after article and story to dozens of e'zines around the world. + I'd *even* go as far to say that Ben Ohmart would be my proud posterboy + for what it takes to be a e'zine legend! + + Here is our conversation, dated November 5th, 1998. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Mogel: Hey there! + + Ben: Might I start off by saying YOU SUCK. Therefore, the conversation + can only get better. + + Mogel: Good idea. In fact, feel free to completely ramble at any given + time on any tangent. But not to a point, mind you. + + Mogel: Alright, let me first start off by saying that I've noticed that + you've been involved in 'ezines for quite a number of years, + submitting and being published in various ones... but I'm going to + ask you about yourself first. How old are you right now? + + Ben: 81... or 28, you can pick. + + Mogel: 28! Where are you from? As in, what location do you live in? + As in, where would we find you normally living? (WHICH CITY!) + + Ben: Born and spent 17 years in Albany, GA. I would like to normally + live in AZ. And that's the truth. Great climate there. + + Mogel: What do you "normally" do when you're not writing? I assume, from + one e'zine guy to another, that you could not actually make money + from the web. + + Ben: hahahahahahaha! good one! I type for a living. Therefor I'm in + front of the computer all fucking day. + + Mogel: Do you type anything specific? + + Ben: That's actually why I haven't written a poem or story in a while + now, probably over a year, because I'm tying to concentrate on the + areas of writing THAT PAY. I know the zine kingdom frowns on + payment and how money roots on all evil... but on the other fist, + poverty SUCKS the big wind. + + Mogel: The big wind, indeed! One might as well exploit their talents, so + long as nobody gets directly hurt, huh? + + Mogel: So when did you get involved with e'zines exactly? + + Ben: I had my first 'thing' published in '93. That's 1993 to you. + I'm not sure if I have talent, but I'm a damn good hack. I Got + some poems and stories taken then. And success fucked success, so + soon my family of wares grew and I could send out for rejections + left and right. + + Ben: I chose ezines and zines (zines first) because they took + alternative writing. I don't write the kind of washing that fits + in the pages of Discover and Reader's Digest. + + Mogel: Hey, Discover is a good magazine! + + Ben: They would be great if they took my stuff, eh? + + Mogel: So is that how you'd generally classfy yourself? As an + alternative/experimental sort of writer? + + Ben: Well, everyone who reads my stuff gets around sooner or later to + saying it's 'surreal'. However, I never read that stuff myself. + I don't have the patience for it. I read mysteries and comedy, + I'm afraid. Anything heavy weighs my brain down. Hell on the + shoes. + + Mogel: Would you say you had any particular style, though, in regards to + content, characters, theme, plots? + + Ben: Of course there are times I forced myself to read journals and the + books that are 'good' for me. But I tend to keep away from them + like I keep away from the movies critics call great and brilliant. + I'd rather an action movie or thriller than something great. + great to me = fun. Fun is an old 30s mystery. My Actpot series + was based on the Saint and Falcon films of back then. + + Mogel: So I suppose you'd consider your writing more existential -- that + is, living for the pleasureful experience rather than having a + Grand Message attached to it. + + Ben: About style... I don't know. I never took the writing classes and + have forgotten all english classes, so I wouldn't want to thin + about styles. I'll let others figure it out. As long as I don't + have to be dead or drunk to be famous. + + Mogel: But I'm sure there are common character types that appear in what + you write, at least. Most of what we are ends up being channeled + into characters in some form. + + Ben: Well, when I write, I try to think of what I know or what i've + seen in other writing or films, then I write what Hasn't been + done. This gets me in trouble a lot of times because I think + secretly people like stereotypes or things they can plug into. + Writers in journals like writing about drunks, and there are Lots + of sane subjects that are okay. I tend to stay away from those. + For instance, I'm not a Bukowski (?) fan, like a lot of people + are. I've read some of his stuff, since I try to get around to + *everyone* sooner or later, but sometimes the range of emotion in + his work puts me off. I am a GREAT fan of british comedy. The + Goon Show is great. I have letters and signed books from Spike + Milligan and a few other Goons, but I don't suppose anyone will + know what I'm talking about here. + + Mogel: Do you have any particular favorite writers, on that note? + + Ben: Writers? Not really. Actually I have very few favorites, period. + I would make a LOUSY editor, because I think everything is good in + its own way. That is the dead Truth. I think everything is good, + and I can't tell the shit from the catholic gold. + + Mogel: That's very much the philosophy behind HOE e'zine! + + Ben: The trouble is, that lack of shit detection has landed me as far + away from being famous as you can get and still be white. + + Mogel: White? + Ben: Easier for a white man to rule the world, of course. + + Mogel: You've been involved in e'zines for quite some time, I think. I + mean, you've seen the evolution from 1993 where e'zines were + primarily newsletters and ascii text, and now they're primarily + based on the web. What do you make of that? + + Ben: True. I would be a lot more, too, if I actually *got* something + out of it, besides just seeing my name up there. See, my dad has + MS and he HATES his job, so time is running out. I want to get + him to a place where he can retire and write music or rape horses. + + Ben: I tend to write everything in plain text since it's the quickest + way to things out there. + + Mogel: Yes, I tend to lean towards the most simple stuff myself. I use + PINE instead of GUI mail programs, PICO or DOS EDIT instead of + Wordpad, etc. + + Ben: I got my first computer with a modem in the summer of 94, so I'm + not positive. I'm also NOT a tech-head so I'd lay off those + silly words if I were you. I'm NOT going to answer them. You + might as well type Russian. But I write in wordpad, but mostly + the little simple thing that comes with Mindspring's mail program. + + Mogel: Ahh, but how do you think the media of e'zines has changed/evolved? + + Ben: I'm either very stupid or haven't noticed Any changes. You can + pick which. I do believe the internet has given some freedom to + writers. They can get the stuff out for free. However, lots of + people claim that lets a lot of shit loose and that they should + just use a toilet like everyone else. + + Mogel: You said you don't have any favorites -- do you have any e'zines + that you find particularly well produced? + + Ben: Well, www.disobey.com has been very good to me. It's kinda my + homepage now. I like the way the guy thinks, and of course the + fact that he's nearly famous helps a lot, too. He's been + mentioned in national mags or newspaper. Of course it hasn't + helped *me* any, but I think that's what keeps writers going. + The threat of possibility. The threat that they'll get famous or + shot dead. + + Mogel: But you have had things published there? + + Ben: He's put up a lot of my plays and skits, yes. + + Mogel: That's good. I suppose the whole submission-process with e'zines + can get frustrating at times, hmm? + + Ben: No, not at all. It's free. It's having to buy stamps and send + to paper mags that really wastes your time. You waste money, + paper, hope. I have none of that sitting around in boxes. + + Mogel: How many e'zines, roughly, would you say you've been published in? + + Ben: Hard to say... well, over 100, I'm sure. If you do a web search + for my name you'll keep finding me until the dead walk the earth. + But of course places go under, so who knows if I'm still alive on + certain sites. + + Mogel: I recall a friend of mine, Edicius, put one of your stories into + his e'zine Jonas. + + Ben: I wish I could remember him, but it's got nothing to do with him, + I have a terrible memory. Really bad. I loose so many good ideas + at night falling asleep or in the car, it's stupid. + + Mogel: You've still had an impressive number of writings... I suppose you + manage to save enough good ideas! You've said you'd been into + writing screenplays and scripts lately, right? + + Ben: Yes, I'm pretty prolific. Some film ideas that are very good make + me scared. I'm so scared that by the time I write it up, people + will have done it. I'm going to get to write a government video + soon, too. And worked on rewriting a commercial for the Albany + Symphony Orchestra (NY). And there's a German guy, Young, who + wants to do my short film Quark, which is about Santa coming down + the chimney and getting the shit kicked out of him. + + Mogel: Do you think that's the direction you'll be going into? + + Ben: Yes, I *must* get into film and TV. It's the only thing that + pays. Since my short story writing style isn't in vogue. + + Mogel: What do you see in the future for Ben Ohmart? Both in writing and + in life... + + Ben: I don't know. I just know that EVERYONE fancies himself a writer, + and everyone has a story or script. I have a couple contacts in + california, and I'm writing screenplays for people who have their + own connections. I'm working on Their ideas, since it's the only + way people will become involved with you. I also did a pretty + good pilot for a tv show which is getting in a place or 2. I + really REALLY really want to be writing for a living (that means + it pays for food and heat) by my 30th birthday. Sept. 20, 2000. + That's the goal. + + Mogel: Ahh, setting goals is certainly an effective way to get things + done. Do you have any final comments for other potential writers + out there? + + Ben: Yes, I would say if you have any other skills at all -- don't be a + writer. It isn't worth it. If you can be happy doing something + else, do that. There are so many writers in the world... do it as + a hobby. Anyone who tells you you can do *anything* is just + blowing up your zipper, unless you're wearing a dress, guys. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #271 - LOGGED BY: MOGEL -- 11/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0272.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0272.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..68fbc423 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0272.txt @@ -0,0 +1,170 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #272 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Flip The 'Off' Switch" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Charlie !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + you know, for many years now i have been into computers. + + and i think in all of that time i have learned a very important + lesson. and that is that if you can say that first sentence without fear of + being ridiculed by hundreds of nameless losers who refuse to spell english + correctly, think grammar is a foreign language, and can't give out their + address without saying the word "dot", then you are still a real person. + + let's examine that first sentence, and see why it still represents + what i would call normalcy, not sanity, because many people are sane, but i + don't think too many people are normal. + + 1. the word computer is used in its entirety and in a normal sentence. + + yes, that's right, i am not afraid of the word computer. that is + what you people out there actually use. not tcp/ip, irc, d00dz, warez, or + anything else you might want to call it. you are using a piece of + engineering created by people who are way smarter than you and actually have + the dedication and drive to create something so fantastic that no one would + have ever thought of what it could accomplish. yet for some reason, you run + away from the word that describes the object that gives you the power you so + loudly proclaim as always being yours forever and that you can use it better + than anyone else out there. get real. + + the computer is not a right. it is not communication. it is not + freedom. it is a box with an awful lot of sand in it. but, not too many + years ago an awful lot of people got together and came up with an awful lot + of ideas, combined it with an awful lot of engineering, and created the box + in front of you. be honest: you could never have done it. you would never + have been able to conceive of it. yet you say that it is yours and you are + the best at it. loser. + + i am proud of the fact that i can use a computer. and not just one. i + can use many, of which they run many different things. + + i take pride in my ability. + + i take pride in teaching my knowledge to people who don't know it and + want to know for the sake of learning. + + i take pride in my wanting to learn more about computers. + + i take pride in all i have taught and all i have learned, for all of + life is learning. show me a man who has learned it all, and i will show you + an empty shell of chemicals which cannot react to the world around it, just + like the machine he claims to know. + + 2. the sentence is grammatically correct (i think). + + ok, so i don't know for sure. i never really liked grammar, but i + always respected it and the language it is based on. some of you, for some + reason, seem to think that a language is nothing more that a bunch of words + grouped into any order you think will convey the meaning you want. "me kool + and k-rad, you phear me." not. anytime i see this sentence, i sigh, shake + my head, and wonder what other lost soul out there wrote this and complains + about how he can't get the latest equipment while he spends his time on his + ass refusing to get a job because he doesn't want to be a part of the + establishment and simply work to further the goals of the power-elite that + he so desperately wants to be a part of but is too lazy to go out and work + for it so he spends his time on his ass bitching and complaining to his + friends who are just like him and in my humble motherfucking opinion are + just eating up bandwidth that i could be using working on my latest idea + that i'm following up on and i'd like to be able to videoconference with my + partner but i can't because for some reason everything is running too + fucking slow and i can't use my drive and determination to further the every + society that you want furthered but only if you can do it while sitting at + home in your pajamas typing on a keyboard that someone else built while you + were in diapers. + + (okay, so the grammar is bad there, too.) + + 3. i take pride in knowing about computers, i enjoy using them, but i can + find the off switch. + + okay, real fast, how many steps does it take to turn off your + computer? is it: + + (a) 5 + (b) off? + (c) 1 + (d) depends on how many channels i'm on + + if you said anything but (c), you're fucked. let us examine the + possible responses: + + (a) 5. the only reason why you should possibly be answering this is + because you're a network admin who has to worry about the people he runs a + network for. you work hard to maintain it and be efficient, and you + actually care about the people who depend on you (note: this is reality. + if you find caring for other users on a network a totally alien concept, + jump out your window right now). + + (b) if you have no concept of the term off, (the state your computer + was in when you bought it), you are fucked. you are one of those people who + leave the computers on 24 hours a day because you never know when someone + you want to flame will come on, or you have 20 bots running around that you + have to keep an eye on, or you have 15 background jobs running kicking those + stupid asses off the channels time and time again and you spend all your + time sitting there smiling contemplating your eliteness while the world + moves on around you without you and you complain about how you aren't + getting a piece of the action. take the following steps now: + + 1. find the big red switch in the front, and flip it down. + + or + + 2. if unable to find big red switch, yank out plug from wall. + + your computer should now turn completely black and quiet, if this + frightens you, it is okay. turn around, find the door, walk out, and + experience the world. it's a lot more, fun, exciting, dangerous, and cruel + than anything you can find in a box. + + (c) 1. this is the correct answer, or it should be me, for most + people. there is one only true step, hitting the power button. + + (d) if you even contemplated this answer, you are gone. i'm sorry. + delete this file (i doubt you even read this far anyway). go on with your + pathetic excuse for a life, and just stay the fuck out of my way. + + no, i am not a republican. i am actually quite liberal. + + but in the many years that i have been hanging around bbs's and the + internet, i have noticed a disturbing trend. there are many people out + there who seem to think that they are the best, that no one is better than + them, and that they should be able to rule the world simply because they + have memorized some obscure programming language someone else wrote for them + anyway. think, people. could you have come up with that os you're using + right now? i doubt it. live! + + there is a real world out there people. think of it this way: + + 4.3 billion years ago: earth formed. + 4.3 bya to 350 million years ago: life develops, man is evolved. + 350 mya to 10,000 ya: man develops, wheel is invented. + 7,000 ya: written language developed. + 500 ya: printing press developed. + 50 ya: computer developed. + + you idiots are claiming you rule a world only fifty years old. guess + what was happening all that other time? no, it wasn't history that just + happened, it was men and women going out, and getting the drive and + determination to do something useful with their lives. they learned, they + invented, they taught to others. if you can do that, and take pride in it, + then you are a real member of a society that doesn't oppress, doesn't seek + to overwhelm or completely conform, but a society doing its best to move + forward in an age where change is becoming more and more rapid, and + frightening a lot of people who couldn't dream of what you today take for + granted and look down on those who can't do it as well as use. + + take some advice. stop. breathe. experience. learn. live. + + then take the hand of someone young or someone old, show them to that + which i know and you know you love, and show them the wonders of what it is + you know. watch them learn, and then watch you learn. and maybe then i + won't have to write shit like this again. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #272 -- WRITTEN BY: CHARLIE -- 11/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0273.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0273.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6947486a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0273.txt @@ -0,0 +1,158 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #273 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "6 Things That Are Always Funny" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mogel !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + We here at HOE known what it takes to make people laugh. Often + I've heard the question asked, "Mogel, other e'zines seem to accept + virtually *anything* submitted to them, but it appears as though HOE has + some real standards for quality." Truer words have not been spoken. + + With such a challege that HOE writers must undergo when preparing + an article, I usually recommend that they make their articles consist of + one of the following topics, because these 6 writing styles are always + funny at all times. I hope this helps out you "wannabe" HOE writers out + there! + + Funny Thing #1: Chat Logs + ========================= + + We here at HOE absolutely LOVE your "wacky antics" from AOL chat + or IRC or ICQ or whatever! It's always worth the read! + + Here's an example!: + + Watch me pretend to be a girl! Heehee! + + *** Fred is now known as Iamagirl! + how r u? + I'm fine. + would you like sum cyber luvin'??? + Well, since I'm sitting here in the cybersex channel and I + really have nothing better to do, sure, but you better not be a + guy imitating a girl! + + Heehee! I WAS!! Aren't netsex people dumb!? Heehee! + + Funny Thing #2: Top 10 Lists + ============================ + + Yes, of all those insightfully witty things that your "friends" + forward you!! A prime, very witty example would be those David + Letterman ripoff top ten lists! God, those just crack me up! + + Here's an example!: + + "Top Ten Ways To Annoy People In The Computer Lab" + + 10. Finish your paper for class. + 9. Imagine that your mouse once belonged to Kenneth Starr. + 8. Decide what you want to eat for lunch. + 7. Leave when it's time to go to class. When class is over, come back and + work silently. + 6. Ask the person next to you what time it is. If they tell you what time + it is, say "Thanks." + 5. Load up Netscape. + 4. If something breaks on your computer, ask the supervisor to fix it. + Remember to be polite. + 3. Check your e-mail. If you've received any forwarded "joke" mail, + delete them. + 2. Don't cough. + 1. Play either solitare or minesweeper (whichever is less stressful + for you). + + Funny Thing #3: TOTALLY SILLY POETRY + ==================================== + + Come on, all of us have that witty, jokester poet just waiting + inside. You could be the next Voltaire! + + Here's an example!: + + "There is Anarchy in the Summerfields" + by Wolf E. Preston + + The soybeans + are Socialist Democract + with each + growing to a uniform height + never wanting + greater height than neighbor plants + + The corn + a Monarchy, + tall, proud but thin, fragile; + standing on dirt + + Wheat is Communist + using the manifesto wind + as an excuse + to wave in unison, + but only managing an occasional ripple + + Green Beans + are Democracy + thinking they can grow + as long as they want, but + just getting tangled + in each other's vines + + Funny Thing #4: South Park References + ===================================== + + You know, I have to say it, no matter how many times I hear + expressions like "I WANT CHEESY POOFS!", "MR. SHIT THE CHRISTMAS SHIT!", + and "THEY KILLED KENNY!", I can no longer control myself. My sides begin + to split and I lose oxygen in my brain. + + Funny Thing #5: Computer jokes + ============================== + + Jokes about Microsoft! Re-written songs with computer buzzwords! + PUNS! Come on, everyone, let's embrace our computer culture TOGETHER + with lots of unbridled laughter. + + Here's an example!: + + - "Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?" + - "Why Bill Gates Sucks A Lot More Than Even AOL!!!" + - "New Terrible Virus Released: Microsoft!!!" + - "Apple Smells, written to the tune of Jingle Bells!" + - % cat: cannot open food + + Funny Thing #6: Overtly Childish Humor + ====================================== + + Quite honestly, nothing gets more funny than the excessive use of + such giggle-magnets as having sex, going to the bathrom, racism, child + molestation, homosexuality, and farting. + + Here's an example!: + + "Mr. Turd meets Poop-Bowl" + by DethKiller + + MT: No! Don't eat me Poop-Bowl! + PB: I can't help it! You're falling right into my mouth! Mmm, do you taste + good! + MT: But I don't want to be eaten! + + [Strawberry Shortcake pops out of Poop-Bowl's mouth.] + + SS: I am tasty-sweet! Love me! + PB: Get back down there, whore! + MT: Can I love you, Strawberry Shortcake? Join me in mischeivous romantic + exploration. + SS: Mmm! Poop-cock! + PB: NIGGER! FART! + + [Everyone lives happily ever after.] + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #273 -- WRITTEN BY: MOGEL -- 11/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0274.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0274.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b37ec2cb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0274.txt @@ -0,0 +1,64 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #274 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "An Epilogue to Wargames" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Neko !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + "hey, baby." + + "go away, creep." + + "umm. the world's gonna end in 10 minutes, i don't want to die + a virgin, do you?" + + "well, i guess not...." + + "alright! let's GET IT ON!" + + "what about condoms?" + + "who cares? we'll be dead once we cum!" + + but richard was wrong. the world didn't end in 10 minutes. + matthew broderick and ally sheedy saved it. + + [ three months later. ] + + "you bastard! you got me pregnant! i ought to kill you!" + + "umm, no. that would suck. bad." + + but shirley had stopped caring about richard's feelings long ago. + i mean, the bastard tricked her into fucking him. and without a condom. + the world's going to end. yeah fucking right. she got a knife. a really + big one. and shiny, too. + + "ohhhh, diiiicck, come here...." + + "what....what the fuck??? ahh ahhh ahhhhhhhhh!" + + but shirley paid no attention to richard's screams. she cut him + up into little pieces and ate one. + + "yummy!" she remarked. + + "now its time to take care of this baby..." shirley said, to no + one in particular. she then took the knife and proceeded to cut open her + stomach. some stomach bile fell out, but, more importantly, so did the + baby. for a moment, she marveled at how cute it was, and wanted to save + it, but the umbilical cord was wrapped around it's neck, and choked it to + death. oh well. + + shirley surveyed the mess she had made. "oh shit! richard's gonna + kill me!" she exclaimed, forgetting.... "oh, wait. dick's dead. haha! + motherfucker!" but she realized she still had to clean the mess up. since + her stomach was still hanging open, she stuffed the dead baby and richard + inside her stomach. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #274 -- WRITTEN BY: NEKO - 11/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0275.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0275.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..67eb20e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0275.txt @@ -0,0 +1,100 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #275 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Libertarians" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Nybar !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + This is a true life story. I'll tell it first person. + + One summer there was this 15 year old ice skater, real fucking + little idiot, and her mother, who is the stupidest person I have ever + seen. Anyway, she was giving me a ride somewhere or other when the + conversation turned to politics. + + She started singing the praise of Pat Buchachan, and I merely + innocently said "How can you like that fucking populist robber baron?", + to which she replied, "Well, if you have another one of those little + outbursts I'm turning this car around (into traffic?) and driving right + back home. By the way, I don't like that kind of language either." + + Later, she said that welfare was 85 percent of the nations + budget, and I told her it was B.S. and asked her for a source. She said + "Newsweek. It's a fact." After that I calmly explained about how much + of an idiot she was to her, and she actually TURNED THE CAR AROUND (well + not into traffic), did a U-turn, and drove me home. Ohh man, what an + idiot -- that's supposed to be an *idle threat*, you tard! I don't know + how people like this even get driver's liscenses, too dumb to live. + + Anyway, I had to live with this person and her idiot daughter for + a whole summer. They even took my fucking room. The way to get revenge + on people like this is a slow, systematic revenge, not one act. It + started with a few relatively innocent pranks: dildo in her purse during + buisness meeting, tacs on the bed, urine in her apple cider, when finally + I learned she had a boyfriend. This was going to be my triumphant + victory. I kicked down his door, put a pillow over his head, knocked his + head against the wall a few times to knock him out, and tied him up with + leather ropes after putting him in panties and a bra. Then, I continued + by taking a bunch of pictures. When he was finally awake, I started a + tape recorder out of his sight, started whipping him. The ensuing + conversation went as follows: + + "Are you a republican?" + "Y--" + "Are you a republican?" + "Y--" + "Are you a democrat?" + "Umm, ye--" + "Don't lie to me you swine, are you a democrat?" + "Yes! YES--" + "Fucking democrat, I hate democrats, are you sure you are?" + "N-" + "Then what are you?" + "A libertarian!" + "And what do you think about Pat Buchachan?" + "He's an asshole!" + "Ok, that was the last one, as a blow against PC thugs everywhere, + and I've let you off. Don't worry, I called the vice squad, they will be + happy to save you from yourself." + + "HAHAHA! This will show you how it feels, fuckin Republican. Oh, + by the way, I'm sending the tape to your idiotic grrl friend. See ya." + + The moral of this story? + + Libertarians: We're not all wusses and vegitarians this + time around. + + !!========================================================================!! + + This next story was inspired by the movie "Freaky Friday", which + finally led me to speak out against idiocy. And the Beefheart song, + "White Jam". + + "But wait, there's more!" (hehe, shining force 2 rocks!) + + Nybar: "Look, gems." + Barbara, the stupid woman: "Hm, I think I will put one on." + Nybar: "Me too!" + Nybar's Brain: "Nybar! Nybar! Be careful, these gems + utilize the power of thought!" + Nybar: "Well, then I have nothing to worry about from her..." + + Later, after the newest episode of Star Trek, Deep Space 9, Nybar + is thinks to himself, "Hmm, I wish there was a way that I could masturbate + nonstop for 2 hours." + + *vwooo*!!@@!.. + + Nybar: "If I'm in her body, then... she must be in + my body!!" Next saturday... + + Nybar: "Hm, I believe I prefer the kind of vibrator without wings... + EeweeweweeAHAEHEH! That one was good." + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #275 - WRITTEN BY: NYBAR - 11/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0276.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0276.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..01d894f7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0276.txt @@ -0,0 +1,108 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #276 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Librarian Phone Sex" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mutter !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I actually worked at a library for quite some time (putting + thousands of books back on countless shelves day in and day out can be + about as rewarding as it sounds). While working there I got to know + several librarians. As is the case with most people I always had this + notion that librarians were just quiet, mild mannered members of the + community. But as I soon learned, this was not the case. Behind those + coke-bottle glasses and pocket protectors lies a different side that + most people don't get to see... a dark side. + + One day, while walking into the building I noticed one of my book + keeper co-workers quietly whispering in the phone with his eyes closed. + When he noticed me staring he quickly hung up the phone and headed + towards the back room. As the door to the back room slammed closed I + noticed a little LED light up on the phone indicating that the line was + suddenly in use. Curiousity got the better of me and I slowly lifted up + the receiver to hear... + + 1-9-0-0-B-O-O-K-S-E-X + + + <...> + + + + "hello, baby." + + "hey, whom I speaking with?" + + "Margret, the librarian, baby. Who's this?" + + "Irving. What do you look like?" + + "I'm 6'1, old, and wear my hair in a bun." + + "yeah, baby." + + "I also have bi-foculs... THICK bifoculs." + + "oh yeah, baby, tell me how thick." + + "VERY thick. Almost a half inch." + + "Yeahhhh. I'm touching your books, Margret." + + "Oooo, that feels good." + + "I'm shelving your books, baby." + + "Please do. Harder." + + "I'm really using my dewy decimal system now." + + "Ohhh. Come on, baby. Slide those books in gently." + + "Yeah. I'm reading your shelves, baby." + + "Look me up in the card catalog." + + "ohh yeah, Margret." + + "Now what are you going to do to me?" + + "It seems you've been a bad girl, margeret. Your books are overdue." + + "Oh, baby, punish me." + + "I'll show you how you'll pay your fine. First I'll take the + transaction card and slide it into the book's pocket." + + "Ohhh, yeah, come on, irving." + + "...then I slide the transaction card out... in and out... in and out... + uhhhhhhhhhh." + + "Yeahhh, bring it on home, irving." + + "Gimme some dewey decimal action, margeret." + + "oh yeah, 398.27a." + + "Uhhh." + + "612.80p" + + "Oh yeahhh" + + "976.57s" + + "uhhhhh... Yeah, baby. I'll talk to you again tomorrow." + + + + Careful, "a pretty face can hide an evil mind". Run from those + bookworm sickos!@# + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #276 - WRITTEN BY: MUTTER - 11/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0277.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0277.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..12e18f42 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0277.txt @@ -0,0 +1,93 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #277 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Drunk at 3AM" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + i am sitting here, drunk off my ass, at 3am. + + no particular reason, of course. + + it's been such a fascinating day. i went to work, i came home, + i went back to work, i came home (again, twice in one day even!) and + decided... i worked twice in one day. time to get drunk. + + but don't get me wrong here. i'm not going to sit here and say, + "hey look, i went to work twice today, therefore it's OK for me to get + drunk!" because... that's not true. and i'm not going to say "hey, it's + OK for me to drink alone. not everyone who drinks alone is an alcoholic!" + because... well, most people just don't drink alone unless their primary + focus of the day is on the sauce. but that's also not the reason why i'm + not going to say the aforementioned statement. + + for i am not drinking alone; i am drinking... ONLINE. + + i am enjoying my wine coolers with others via ICQ. i am filling + out senselessy ridiculous surveys over e-mail and sharing my drunken + state with my friends. and that's what getting drunk is all about, isn't + it? getting drunk is about having fun with your friends, being able to + unwind after a long day, and saying really stupid things. and although + there really is nobody physically here in my livingroom, next to me on my + computer, listening to Def Leppard's "Hysteria" with me as it runs + through its fourth time in Repeat mode, i really do feel like i am + enjoying the company of others and having a rousing good time. drunk off + my rocker. + + it's happy times like these in which i feel obligated to share all + my deepest feelings. i suddenly have no problem telling that annoying + prick Pat to leave me alone and stop hounding me for cybersex, or + whatever he wants. Pat's just so annoying, it's nice to just tell him to + go away and not feel guilty whatsoever. ahhh, no see the beauty here: if + i were sober, i wouldn't have the heart. i'm too nice when i'm sober. + + of course, when i'm drunk, i can't remember EVERYTHING that pisses + me off, or who does what when. it's all mixed up right now. so i guess + you'll have to do it for me: + + Why I Hate You + ============== + + dammit, it's (insert your name here) again. didn't you get enough + (insert unspeakable act here) the last time we talked? dammit. you know, + i've had it with your (insert shenanigans here); how in the FUCK do you + think i feel? i don't like being treated like (insert any rotten + inanimate object here) and i don't have to take it anymore. you know + what? you are so (insert annoying attribute here) and you piss me right + off. that's right, you heard me. go ahead and (insert emotional + expression here). see if i care. you can fuck right off if you are so + inclined! (insert a few colorful expletives here just for the proper + drunken effect.) and finally, in summation, to close, i hope you go + (insert horrid death here). YEAH!!! + + of course, tomorrow morning, i'll wake up slightly hazed and + feeling rather sad upon remembering the previous night and how i so + gloriously told all my nearest dearest (annoying) friends to piss off. + and this, of course, breeds the Morning After letter. + + I'm So Very Sorry + ================= + + (insert name here), oh DUUUUDE i was so drunk last night. i'm + sorry i called you a/an (insert the name of a desert mammal caked in some + form of excrement here)... you know, it was a long day at work and i just + unwound a little too much. i didn't mean to insult your (insert + everything near and dear to your heart here) and i hope you will forgive + me. wasn't i just gloriously bombed off my ass though? you have to admit. + when i said that your (insert parental figure here) liked to (insert vile + zoophiliac act here), wasn't that just SWEET?? i mean, you have to + appreciate the beauty in that. oh! remember when i said your (insert + sensitive body part here) was as big/ugly/bizarre as (insert appropriate + member of the cast of Full House here), i mean, that was + fantastic. classic. + + what? they didn't like that? who cares! cuz it's NOT THE NEXT + MORNING. it's still 3am and i'm still drunk. i'm happy, i'm online, and + Pat's not going to bother me anymore. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #277 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 11/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0278.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0278.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a6a34221 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0278.txt @@ -0,0 +1,141 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #278 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Smart Bomb" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Seaya !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Dr. John Vas Deferens worked at the Pentagon as a military + intelligence specialist. He thought of ways to minimize security risk and + promote peace through the development of bigger, better, and faster + weapons. He loved his job. He enjoyed the hours, the prestige, and most of + all the fact that he was bringing about World Peace. + + Vas Deferens went into work that Monday morning with anticipation + of his weekly duty of weapons inspection. He would once again be able to + walk down the long assembly lines of nuclear cruise missiles and pat them + fondly. It was amazing the power in those long cylinders of potency. He + remembered with drooling delight the first time he saw footage of a + nuclear bomb exploding, its divine mushroom shape billowing out in + celebration of a new life, a new world being born. + + But before he could engage in the pleasures of missile patting, + Vas Deferens had a crucial meeting to attend. It seems there weren't + enough boots and helmets for each of the units. Units were a fancy + military term for individual soldiers. Calling them units reminded them + that war had many grave consequences. After every war, for instance, + there were never enough supplies for each of the remaining units due to + the damaging nature of bullets on clothes and the tendency of helmets and + boots to be captured by the enemy along with the units. He shuddered at + the thought of such a loss of military property. They were strapped for + cash as it was, with the politicians in Washington diverting half the + defense budget to entitlement programs like education, Medicare, road + construction, and blueberry research in Maine. Didn't they know that they + were impeding the process of peacemaking through the balance of power? + The only way to uphold World Peace was a with a well stocked army. + + The news of the meeting was worse than he had thought. Millard + Fillmore AFB had only 500 uniforms, 300 pairs of boots, and 650 helmets + for 2000 units. This was a crucial base which housed a new experimental + plane which was equipped with the ability to sustain units for four years + in outer space just in case it became necessary to abandon the earth as a + hopeless dead planet. This was a reality they all had to face. One + couldn't be too prepared for nuclear holocaust. It was a possible outcome + of military action in the 21st century. And nowadays one never knew who + this threat could come from. Backward countries like India and Pakistan + had now developed the bomb. This world was becoming dangerous! It was + necessary to support nuclear disarmament the world over. But how could + they do such a thing if the government would not fund their research on + the future of war? + + After the meeting Vas Deferens made his escape to the missile + room. as he walked in the missile polishers were just finishing up their + morning shift and getting ready to go to lunch. When they left he was at + last alone with his creations -- state of the art WXX-251 missiles + complete with a satellite guided targeting system, retractable gliders, + and three nuclear warheads! They came in 12 unnatural and arousing colors, + designed by Vas Deferens himself to the great approval of General Mugwump + himself. The missiles gleamed in the brilliant yellow industrial lighting, + twinkling their welcome to Vas Deferens. he went to his favorite missile, + the "deluxe" model which included a mechanism by which it grew into twice + its size in the air on the way to the target. He pushed a button and + watched the missile grow. He looked around to see if there was anyone + looking. The clock said 12:15. Lunch was over in 15 minutes, so he had + about an hour or so until the polishers returned to the warehouse. He + then pushed another button and the missile moved into launch position, + about a 45 degree angle from the missile pad on which it lay. He put one + leg over the missile and jumped up, straddling its round shaft and + marveling as if for the first time at its enormous size and power. He + imagined riding on the missile as it sailed gracefully through enemy + skies on its way to destroy a crucial telecommunications net near a rural + third world village. The missile would adjust its course by command of + the satellite and thrust toward the waiting target. The collateral damage + alone would be devastating. He yelped in delight at the thought of such + scientific accuracy. Vas Deferens quickly dismounted from the missile as + he heard footsteps approaching in the hallway. + + It was Ms. Serina Green, the Georgetown University graduate who + had just joined their unit supply data unit. She had graduated with a + dual major in English and Computer Science and had been hired by claiming + to know more about programming than she really did. Ms. Green had found it + hard to blend in with the Pentagon culture. She drank espresso rather than + good old American coffee. She didn't watch football, but preferred soccer. + She didn't have the proper security clearance to be working in the unit + supply data unit, so she had to have one of the staff accompany her every + time she left her office space. Private Latrine was with her now, leaning + against the door of the missile chamber with a look of bored disgust on + his face. private Latrine had had to accompany Ms. Green to the bathroom + one too many times that day after she had eaten a bad batch of chili from + the Pentagon Cafeteria. Vas Deferens frowned as he saw her walk in. She + made him feel really uncomfortable. Last time they spoke she had had the + audacity to insinuate that the destruction of units was actually the + destruction of human beings and that they should think of it as such! The + nerve! + + "Ah! There you are Dr. Vas Deferens!" she exclaimed as her eyes + darted back and forth nervously over the contents of the warehouse, in + particular at the very provocative positioning of the deluxe missile + system. Vas Deferens cleared his throat and responded hastily, "Yes, what + is it Ms. Green, I'm on a tight schedule." + + "Well, " she started tentatively, " um... I had a question." + + "Yes, what is your question. If it is about matter of military + terminology I can help you understand it..." he offered. + + "Well, actually, it's about the cup holder mechanism on the + computer. It's bent and won't retract," she explained frantically. Vas + Deferens watched the veins pop out of her slim white neck as she spoke + and realized suddenly that she was beautiful. + + "Oh, yeah. I hate it when that happens. They just don't make cup + holders like they used to. Ask Private Latrine to replace yours, he + replaced mine just a week ago. I think I might need a new one soon." + + Private Latrine smacked himself in the forehead in frustration and + muttered under his breath, "Damned fucking computer illiterate bastards. + This is the fifth CD-ROM this month alone." + + "What was that Private?" Vas Deferens asked with a raised eyebrow. + + "I said I'd get right on it, sir." he responded cautiously. + + "Good. Now if you'll excuse me I am just finishing up with my + missile inspection duties Ms. Green and I'll leave you to Private + Latrine here." + + "Thank you for all your help Dr. Vas Deferens." she responded with + her cute sideways smile. As she and Private Latrine exited Vas Deferens + reached out and pinched her butt for good luck. She squealed in surprise + and scampered quickly down the hall to report him to the office of + workplace misconduct, with Private Latrine in tow. Vas Deferens for his + part, took his mind off women and turned to the deluxe missile system. He + pushed the retracting button and patted the missile repeatedly as it went + back into storage position. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #278 - WRITTEN BY: SEAYA - 11/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0279.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0279.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c6e04f1d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0279.txt @@ -0,0 +1,43 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #275 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Mel The He/she Girl Slug" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Aster !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + once apon a time there was alittle girl called mel. mel was very + evil and bad! mel is actually a slug and he was madly in love with his + girlfriend but alas, she was a horse and they didn't know how to make + this work. + + but she acted evil and killed everything good anyway because she + was a bad thing ond day she met an evil man, a ferocious man. she was + afraid but had to defend herself because her slug friend was too weak + despite his claims to have once saved the world. + + but the evil man finaly left and she was so happy that she decided + to take mel out to celebrate at her favorite restaurant: "the salt lick". + bad idea for her poor friend mel. + + now mel is going to die because she is evil and bad and happiness + is evil, too. so mel ran and ran untill she found a small black box which + she crushed and then ran home. mel narroly escaped disolving at the salt + lick and his girlfriend felt so bad that she ran and hid in a black box + she happened to find. suddenly the walls caved in and she was crushed. + so sad so very sad + + but she was so incredibly evil that her soul rose from the ruins + and took over a poor onlookers poor, defenseless body. the body of the + person was soon wrecked and twisted and on tis way to japan, in a small + cramped box. + + THE END. + + eat a banana. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #279 - WRITTEN BY: ASTER - 11/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0280.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0280.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4f16e0fd --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0280.txt @@ -0,0 +1,74 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #280 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Should You Date The Devil?" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Anjee !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + since i have been fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to be able to + date the devil himself [however, he prefers to be known as "satan in + pants"], i thought i should inform all of you girls (or guys) the pro's + and con's in engaging into a relationship with the devil, and also how + you can detect them before getting into the whole mess. + + i will begin with the little tips and tricks on how to spot the + devil or his accomplices before devoting a vast amount of your life to + evil. first off, these devils-in-disguise normally sport a shaved head + and wear sunglasses throughout the year (the reason they do this is + because the sun and the reflection of its brightness on snow is hard on + their eyes -- being used to dark places and fires). although, if you do + choose to get to know this potential evil being, make sure you know + their birthdate. if it's october 31st or december 25th -- because dec. + 25th people hog all the presents :/, beware. that and any 666 on that + person's body are sure signs. don't let their "kindness" fool you, as + they will quickly change into bomb-crazy maniacs. + + the pro's of dating the devil are slim, yet manage to lure + innocent girls into such evil doings. one would surely be getting + spoiled! of course getting spoiled is fun and makes you feel somewhat + special, money and anything considered to be "materialistic" is the root + of all evil (i sure repeat "evil" a lot, don't i? ah well). their kind + and sensitive acts are just what i said: acts. i should also note + having an irc/irl relationship with satan has its good sides. such as + being able to get anyone's connection dropped and modem burnt (seeing + that evil on-line dudes are normally leet). + + but as we all know, there's a negative side to everything. if + you were stupid enough to fall into this person's trap and later realize + that your better-half (not litterally) is in fact the devil, you get to + be subject of rumours weeks after you break up in a huff. in addition, + for several months, you will have the excitement of being threatened + with bombs, and possibly even attacks to your computer (now who would + want that?!?!). these threats are usually said as follows: + + Ex-Boyfriend: i have a new years resolution... + one word: revenge. + + *or* + + Ex-Boyfriend: i bought a gift for you, it detenates in 10 + seconds, have a nice day. + + with all this information on why you should or shouldn't date the + devil, i hope that you will be able to save yourself before your life + and emotions are so rudely flushed down the toilet. + + P.S. --> mogel's input: + + um, the devil is pure evil so he can make his penis into + a german shepard and have it eat up a woman's insides + and then she'll be in a lot of pain + and she might die + + *NOTE: this is considered a PRO in mogel's twisted and evil mind.* + + Lord have mercy on your souls. + + AMEN. (or something.) + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #280 - WRITTEN BY: ANJEE - 11/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0281.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0281.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a6ff566f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0281.txt @@ -0,0 +1,57 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #281 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Suicidal Tendencies" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Tasha !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/12/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + No, this will not be about some band that all the teenagers in + Jncos at my lunchtable love. It may, however, easily be about all the + teenagers at my lunchtable. To be more specific, this will be about all + the smirking, dark-eyed kids in the hall displaying the latest scar on + their wrist like a trophy. + + Everyone knows at least ONE of these kids, the kind who wander + around teary-eyed, and then sniffle and tell you they don't want to talk + about it. Those weak little kids crying because their significant other + dumped them, or realizing their own mortality because they smashed their + finger in a door yesterday. Anyway... + + I am not quite fond of those kids. In all their attempts at + seeming dark, and mysterious, and somehow deep (read: deeply depressed), + they fail to ever achieve any of that in all actuality. Or maybe it is + just because to me they haven't achieved any of it. + + Then, I get this idea that I will throw them up against some + orange, or blue, or yellow, or some other colored locker that is in the + hall and put my mouth inches from their face. After that brief show of + physical strength, I will go about telling them that they need to know + real pain. I'll have my spit flying all over their face, and scream + something about worthlessness, and hunger (have you ever seen those + pot-belly kids from like Bosnia or wherever it is that they have + pot-belly kids?). + + And before I leave them to their pathetic little lives, I'll give + them one great idea: + + Me: "next time you decide to play with mommys butcher knife, why don't + you succeed at ending your life... those scars and bandages really + make me lose my appetite." + + Of course, they will cry: + + Pathetic Suicidal Kid: "my life sucks so much!" + + And I'll slap them around. + + Me: "save the planet, and kill yourself." + + Pathetic Suicidal Kid: "oh! you listen to bloodhound gang, too? + I'm going to see them in concert!" + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #281 - WRITTEN BY: TASHA - 11/12/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0282.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0282.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8271b2c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0282.txt @@ -0,0 +1,66 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #282 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Public Transportation" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> AnonGirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/12/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + being a public commuter for nearly 6 years straight now, i've + grown accustomed to the many normalities seen on busses, subways and + trains that can sometimes appear to be strange to one not-so-accustomed + passenger. Things such as foul odors, "wackos", and of course, we can't + leave out the perverts. + + living in the metropolitan city of Montreal, i've seen many + *things* (use your imagination) in my travels. the odors, however, can + be the most deceitful form of attack when riding a bus, train or subway. + a senior man approaching the back of the bus, eyeballing the empty seat + next to mine seems harmless, from afar. but as soon as he sits down and + that familiar stench fills my nostrils, i know i'm in for a ride from + hell. the smell is a mixture of garlic, B.O. and some other UFO + (unidentified foul odor). sitting on a packed bus full of tired, + disgruntled people in the middle of February is depressing enough, but + the stink is the last straw. breathing through my mouth hoping to salvage + what's left of my sense of smell, his smell becomes a taste, leaving me + in a horrible disposition. i can't open the window because it's frozen + shut, so i have to decide whether to taste or inhale his scent. the best + idea to avoid this situation entirely is to try and grab a single seat, + if you're lucky. + + then comes the "mentally different". i'm not talking about + serious mental cases, just the people who feel they have to make + themselves heard in some form or another. i've seen men who talk to the + ads, women who talk to the windows, people who talk to people who aren't + really there, etc. most of these people are harmless, but there are a + few who can crack at any given moment. some decide to pull the bell cord + incessantly until they're "asked to leave", others will ring the bell but + never get off, and some will even pick fights with each other. being in + the middle of a scrap between two 40 year old women (it really happened!) + isn't what anyone normally expects to see on their way home. + + last but certainly not least, the perverts. in my years + involuntariy using public transportation, these are the most common in + the pack. if you're female and riding public transportation, you're + automatically deemed a target. a common attack would be a man sitting + next to you on the bus when there are barely any other people on the bus. + you just KNOW something's up with that. the most exciting is when this + person is trying to pick you up *actually believing* that we will fall to + our knees and scream, "TAKE ME NOW!!". and being told that the scarf + you're wearing makes you look SO sexy isn't exactly the most romantic + line in the book (not many of them are). this is the point where you + nail your steely combat boot into his foot and ask, "How sexy am I now?", + if you've got guts. + + the best way to avoid being scarred for life by public + transportation is to NOT USE IT. but since most of us get stuck with it + one way or another, i suggest a good loud Walkman to block out the + freaks, nuts and perverts. you don't want to wind up angry and + disgruntled because of busses and subways (like me... and you DON'T want + to be like me). so good luck. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #282 - WRITTEN BY: ANONGIRL - 11/12/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0283.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0283.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f3903e28 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0283.txt @@ -0,0 +1,55 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #283 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Participles Are Perceptions, too" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Cstone !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/12/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + awoken. + + touched by none. jolted from nothingness to a veritable overload + of the reasoning facilities. shocked, dismayed, and irreversibly branded + with the motivation of curiosity. + + attempting meekly to use the familiar, unconscious, tools of + expression; systematically being blocked by internal forces. realizing, + with horror, that internal forces are the hardest to fight. + + startled by the indeterminateness of a void. slowly filled with + contextual hints and wild flickers of ingenuity. mutated from blocks of + foreign meaning; vented through a previously unused but still friendly + mindset; dragged through the practical examinations necessary for + reality; emerged. + + trying again; trying again; trying again; seeing nothing. digging + deep into a hole of despair. exhausting attempts at permutations which + seem less and less familiar. missing the broken unbreakable links + between former normality. + + stuck. forced by threat of obscurity to transmute. left without + recourse. unpowered; destituted; bottomed; struck. + + seeing thoughts move. watching interactions between others. + seeing no familiar reference. being relentlessly assailed by the + reminders of abstruseness. succumbing to jealousy; despairing; + panicking; despising. + + tossed by animosity; wrecked by spasms of blind enmity; paralyzed + by inaction and disability. dispatched to blackness by a resolute + unwillingness to change. + + + awoken. + + too wearied to repeat; exploring. manipulating the primeval + blocks of the previous context. discovering vehicles of expression. + forgetting the mistakes and the hate of the last miserable attempt. + moving. empowered by the not-so-unlikely merge of perseverance and + discontent; communicating; receiving; responding. freed. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #283 - WRITTEN BY: CSTONE - 11/12/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0284.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0284.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0f9c6d92 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0284.txt @@ -0,0 +1,89 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #284 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Sponsor an IRC Asshole" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Teerts !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/12/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + are you an idiot? do you have $50 laying around? be forewarned, + some of the words that are to follow may be disturbing to some readers. + + . + . + . + [1:05] *** Joins: ELVIS (Matt@{something}.ipt.aol.com) + [1:05] hrrm...I thought Elvis was dead + [1:05] ANY ONE HERE HATE ELVIS? + [1:05] go fuck a goat + [1:05] es9, Your Mama's so stupid, when your dad said it + was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon + [1:05] not really just not a fan + [1:05] umb.....don't hate....just thought was dead + [1:06] why am i happy? hmm....... no reason + [1:06] * ELVIS is giving a present to es9 (tick tock tick tock) + [1:06] and who's fucking a goat? + [1:06] * ELVIS hides under the table and waits... + [1:06] KABOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM + [1:06] *** Oily is now known as gasoline + [1:06] no one blows up nothing without gasoline + [1:06] *** Quits: ELVIS (Read error to ELVIS[{something}.ipt.aol.com]: Connection reset by peer) + [1:06] he got his kaboom + [1:06] heh + [1:06] hehehe + . + . + . + [2:53] *** Joins: LeEtCaT (LeEtCaT@{something}.dialup.usunwired.net) + [2:54] hi what is patch.exe i just installed it + [2:54] prolly a trojan + [2:54] :) + [2:54] i cant find it + [2:54] whats a trojan + [2:54] trojan == bad + [2:55] yea right + [2:55] where did you get it from? + [2:55] friend + [2:55] reliable? + [3:06] * BlahBoi has returned. (ive been back for awhile, 44m 25s) + [3:07] no + [3:07] fucking show me what netbus is!!!!! + [3:07] HAHAHAHAHAHA.. a trojan (not really but when used + maliciously, yes) + [3:08] i dont remember how to clean it.. + [3:08] fucking show me what netbus is!!!!! + [3:09] its an app that lets you have complete control of a + host computer + [3:10] you are good people + [3:10] join the fbi in the fight against hackers + [3:10] *** Parts: LeEtCaT (LeEtCaT@{something.dialup.usunwired.net) + [3:11] people? only one person here.. me. + [3:11] dumbass + . + . + . + + day after day, silly lameness such as this is repeated all over + irc. why is this allowed? because there was no one out there to help + these poor individuals. until now! for only *pennies* a day, you too + can sponsor an irc asshole and help him find a life! + + sponsoring an irc asshole is relatively cheap, and what you get + out of the deal can save yourself future annoyance for years to come. + if you choose to sponsor an asshole, you will receive a file with the + asshole's picture, creditcard, and personal information. you will also + receive quarterly a letter from your asshole letting you know how they + are doing. + + if you decide your asshole has relied on you long enough, you can + cancel your sponsorship at any moment. upon cancellation of sponsorship, + your lameass will be terminated, and their few belongings will be mailed + to you at once. + + ehh, fuck you. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #284 - WRITTEN BY: TEERTS - 11/12/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0285.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0285.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..56591efd --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0285.txt @@ -0,0 +1,88 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #285 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: =========================================== + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: "Sellin' Smack On Da Street Ain't No !! + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: Treat, Unless Yo' Leet Like Mah !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: Parakeet!" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/12/98 by Snaf00 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I used to be sad because I have no job and my whole family was + killed in a drive-by. No more, my friend, no more. Ever since I got my + parakeet I have been living the high life. You may not understand how + that is possible; you may be asking yourself "don't parakeets cost + money?" "HA!", I say, "you only show your ignorance by you last statement + that you made to me regarding the cost of birds in the United States!" + + My birdie lets me live in luxury. His name is little-b Fl0w and + he is badest bird ever been up in this bitch! BOyEEEEEE!!! Little-b + sells crack and he does it well, too. So well, in fact, that I won't + ever have to work again. Of course, I do have to do some work so that it + doesn't appear as though I am just staying with him for his money. In + order to earn my keep he pimps me out on the streets for money. + + To this day I have been nothing but a hoe to little-b so I have + made my mind up I will be a crack dealer, too!! As I sneak into + little-b's room I tiptoe across the newspaper trying in vain to avoid + little-b's doodies and squeak toys that are strewn across the room. + After finding his secret crack stash hidden in his snuggle-bone, I run + out of the house and make headway towards little-b's favorite stakes. + + First stop is Murray's Pet Store, I throw on a trench coat to + cover up the fact that I am still wearing my hot pants and ripped halter + top (little-b like his boys to wear their work clothes around the house) + and I head into the store. All the little children here, looking at + little doggies and kitties is a sure gold mine! I start to stake out the + joint for a good mark until... + + "YO! BITCH WHERE LITTLE-B AT!?!?!" said a small negro positioned + behind me. + + "YEAH! WERE HE AT, YOU TWO-BIT HOE!?" all the children shout in + unison. + + "Tell him to get his punk ass out here, cause I'z gotz his money + now, I sold my beanie babies for this dough so I'Z BETTER get my crack, + BITCH!" He slaps my ass. "Now run along and don't come back without my + rock, babycakes." + + Feeling a little bit annoyed by the wee child I whip out the vile + of rock and shove it in his eye as he screams and moans in agony. I take + that as my cue to leave. I run out of the store at top speed with a mob + of 20 9-year-old crack fiends nipping at my heels, screaming "BITCH! Why + did you give HIM all the crack!? Some of that was for me, ya know!!!" + "Ya dumb hoe!" they added. + + As I near the park, I figure that I can rest a little and escape + those little monsters (everyone knows that crack heads don't have much + energy, even 9-year-old ones!) As I take a seat on a nearby park-bench + I accidentally sit on a little boy who promptly removes his covering of + newspapers, looks me dead in the eyes, and says "bitch, ain't you that + bitch, who bitches around with that bitch bird little bitch?" + + I nod and he grabs my neck and says, "Ya got my blow, HOE!?" + To the best of my ability I shake my head an lift my arm, pointing at + the riled up mob of pet store junkies who are chasing after me. As he + sees them he drops me and exclaims, "Oh, well, well, if it isn't + crackhead Johnny and 47 drogues right, right. Why not come over her + Johnny, SOZ I CAN BUST Y0 SHIT UP!!!" + + A gigantic gang war erupts all around me. Stuffed animals and + backpacks are scattered across the park grounds garnished by the + occasional Def Comedy Jam lunchbox. The horror is too great so I begin + to leave only to see in my way... LITTLE-B FL0W! + + "How many times have I got to tell you baby 'pimping ain't easy'!" + + "HA HA HA HA!" we both laugh. Little-b sits in my hair and we + stroll into the ghetto sunset. + + --- + + The moral of that story is this: only smoke crack in moderation. + And never NEVER buy it from a bird and his strung out h0e! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #285 - WRITTEN BY: SNAF00 - 11/12/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0286.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0286.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f130d56e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0286.txt @@ -0,0 +1,47 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #286 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Things To Do with a Brick" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Ramsey String !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + The game Magic: The Gathering boasts "all you need is a friend and + a deck". The deck is easier for most players to come by. Rioting is + like Magic, because all it requires is some friends and some rocks. + Then you find some stuff that is going to be broken by rocks and take + aim. It is a good way to get in the paper and unsettle people. + + But riots can have bad effects. They are easy to squash. And if + there are too many riots that are not scary enough and are easily + squashed, people start to trust the cops to solve problems. Then they + give them more power. Then we have a police state. + + Small scale terrorism is better. By which I mean vandalism. + Society is not held together by the government, because its powers are + illusory. It is held together by a sense of routine and a love of + order. If that love of order is violated, people start to get nervous. + When people are nervous enough they panic. When they panic, they start + to unravel society. + + So the best thing you can do is break a lot of windows late late at + night for no good reason. Make people start to think their lives are + not as ordered as they were the day before. Keep up small scale acts of + vandalism, increasing the perceived disorder. As a wise man I used to + know would say "fuck shit up". + + The sense of routine evaporates along with the sense of safety. + That is the first step toward doing away with the government. Even if + it doesn't work, which it is not likely to, it will keep you from + writing things about "idiot tests" (and the dude who wrote that looks + very expendable). + + Whatever the result then, if it topples the government or just + keeps that fat son of a bitch away from his computer, it's nothing but + positive. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #286, WRITTEN BY: RAMSEY STRING, 11/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0287.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0287.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..661a0deb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0287.txt @@ -0,0 +1,105 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #287 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "I Wanna Rock!" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Today, I realized the sad state of America. + + At work (where I am one of the elderly, the over-20 set), I was + humming a little tune that wouldn't get out of my head. So, par my usual + Daily Annoyance, I made the comment, "UGH, I wish this song would get out + of my head!" I sat and waited for someone to take the bait, just like I + do every day I work, 6 days and 50 hours a week. + + Finally, a taker. + + "Alright, what's stuck in your head today," asked Matt, knowing + then that he should know better than to ask such questions. + + "Poison's 'Talk Dirty To Me'," I replied. + + Silence. + + "Never heard of it," replied poor 16-year-old, '80s-baby Matt. + + I cried. + + I remembered the days of long ago, when MTV was full of Aqua Net + hairdom and everything was fun. Androgynous men sung about getting laid, + having lots of sex, and on occasion, getting a piece of ass. Scantily + clad women weren't complaining about 'equal treatment' or about being + 'sex symbols', they were hopping into Corvettes driven by longhairs + wearing the latest animal print styles and participating in wild 8-on-1 + orgies with various other girls of similar stature. It was a blast. + + Nothing was more wonderful than the wonderful thought-provoking + lyrics of the geniuses of the age. Who could forget... + + --> "You know I'm a dreamer, but my heart's of gold / + I had to run away high so I wouldn't come home low" + -- Motley Crue, "Home Sweet Home" + + --> "Schoolboy's dream, she acts so shy / + Your very first kiss is your first kiss goodbye" + -- Bon Jovi, "You Give Love A Bad Name" + + --> "Bang bang, shoot 'em up / + The party never ends / + You can't think of dyin' / + When the bottle's your best friend" + -- Skid Row, "18 and Life" + + --> "When you make love / + Do you look in the mirror / + Who do you think of / + Does he look like me?" + -- Def Leppard, "Love Bites" + + --> "Take me down to the Paradise City / + Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty" + -- Guns 'N Roses, "Paradise City" + + --> "I've got a girl to the left of me / + A girl on the right / + I know damn well I slept with both last night" + -- Poison, "Look What The Cat Dragged In" + + --> "One girl ain't enuff for me / + I think I'll play with two / + Stack 'em up like pancakes / + Flip 'em over when I'm through" + -- Danger Danger, "Horny S.O.B." + + How could we all have let this slip through our fingers!? + Children of the '90s are growing up in a world completely devoid of big + hair. Our educational system is failing badly in this area... something + must be done. + + What you will need + ================== + + - a 14 year old who has bypassed big hair for something + "intellectually stimulating" + - a cheap copy of Warrant's "Cherry Pie" + - a very, very loud stereo + - glue + + Directions + ========== + + 1) Glue the 14 year old's ear to the speakers of the stereo. + 2) Crank the volume (to 11 of course) on the stereo. + 3) Press 'Play' (and if applicable, 'Repeat') + 4) Return once every hour and stop the music just long enough + to ask the child, "WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO WITH YOUR LIFE???" + + Save our children. Save '80s hair metal. Rock. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #287 -> WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 11/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0288.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0288.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b658ab18 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0288.txt @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #288 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Political Science?" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Altrocks !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + You know, when you don't go to school, and have that mindless + drivel they call knowledge driven into your head, you actually have time + to think... So, anyway, today I didn't go to school. My alram and my + mother tried their hardest to get me up this morning, but the neurons + that control muscle movement must've still been sleeping. I woke up at + 11 am. :) + + Sitting here, watching TV, sitting idle on IRC and hoping to + whatever omnipotent being there is that something interesting will + happen, I began to think about a phrase. Politcal science. No, this + phrase seems normal enough, but let's think about ti for a second. + + It has 2 parts: Political, which implies politics, politicians, + congress, president, etc... And Science, which connotes research, + experimentation, and in the fun labs, white coats with blood stains on + them. + + I thought about political science, and instead of the usual images + of opinon poll graphas and many lawyers saying whether or not so-and-so + should be impeached, I got a quite pleasant image. I am here to describe + it to you. + + WARNING: If you do not have a sense of hunor this is for you: + + The events I am about to describe in no way represent + pre-meditation on my part, or any type of conspiracy or anarchistic + tendencies... if you want to see that, then read my other works of + literature here on HOE. :) + + This is just a description of a mental image I got while watching + the litle ticker go by on CNBC (by the way, Ford Was down 2 points): + + Political science... I saw Newt Gingrich in a cage, with all of + the senate and congress in seperate cages, and the president was on an + experimentation table. It looked like a cross between the humane society + kennel, and the labs where they test personal care products on rabbit's + eyes. Anyway, they were experimenting on the politicians. Isn't that + funny?!?!? + + Get it? Political science?!?!!? + + Oh, by the way, I have 101.5 degree temperature, am on the verge + of hallucination, and could barely keep my balance when I went to piss + this morning. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #288 - WRITTEN BY: ALTROCKS - 11/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0289.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0289.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..22f27b72 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0289.txt @@ -0,0 +1,131 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #289 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Benefits of Higher Education" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Teerts !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + this is the first of my class rants. These happen when i get + bored in class (often!) and i decide to type random shit into my ti-92. + i paid almost $200 for it so i might as well use it for something. + + calcstuff 1. + + **TI92** + main Text file dated 11/09/98, 19:18 + + theres this girl in my math class. + shes pretty hot. + today she wore really loud + cargo pants. she is always + late to calculus. i heard her + walking all the way down the + hallway. the nerve of some + people; not only is she late, + but her pants were really loud. + its okay though, shes hot. + one time, her boyfriend came to + class with her. hes not in the + class. he sat behind her and was + quiet all during class time. i + think he was bored. she was late + that day too. + i dont know what her pants are + made of...it sure is loud when she + moves. i think id like to get in + them, but i dont think that will + ever happen...i thnk her pants are + nylon, like a tent. + + !!========================================================================!! + + calcstuff 2. + + **TI92** + main Text file dated 11/09/98, 19:18 + + my calc prof looks like egon from + the ghostbusters. his name is + gary, so i dont think it is the + same guy...it sure would be neat + though... + he is teaching abot antiderivatives + today. i dont like to listen to + the profs lesson. he is a nice guy + but i dont thhnk he likes me much. + i dont think he likes me becuse i + am usually late to class. also, + my test scores are low and i dont + often do my homework. i guess he + doesnt like slackers... + my pen is blue today. its usually + not blue, i like to use a black pen. + i lost my black pen. + gary says stuff: + "so if one function is bigger than + the other one...if a functionf is smaller than a + function g, how will they be positioned?" + "this part here, thats the thing + on the left, this thng here is the part on the right..." + + !!========================================================================!! + + compscistuff 1. + + **TI92** + main Text file dated 11/09/98, 19:18 + + my compsci prof has a weird + voice. it is semi-deep and + nasal...its pretty cool, it + sounds like barneys voice + but lower. the profs name + is jim. jim wears shoes from + the eighties. his sneakers + usually have velcro closures. + thats pretty neat. i want + velcro sneakers... + typing into this calculator + is loud. the damned clicking + sounds get annoying after a + while. click click clickclick + click click clickclickclick + click click click click clickclick... + i sometimes get weird looks because + of the noise... + hat isnt wearing a hat today, + this is very odd. there is a guy + in my compsci class. without a + doubt, he makes a fool of himself + in class everyday. usually he just + asks supid questions or says stupid + things, sometimes though he will + do something outrageously silly. + his new name is hat because he + usually wars a hat of some sort. + mostly, he wears a red derby. + well derbyhatboy once eminated + some foul gas, therefore polluting + the whole classs air supply. + nobody knew the source of the + stench until hat raised his hand + and asked the prof if he could + go to the lavatory. once he left, + someone near me commented something + involving shitting his pants. + to this day, i dont know how i + contained my laughter when hat had + asked to go relieve himself, + someone quietly exclaimed "please + do!" + oh god he dunnit again...he went + off on one of his bullshit rants + again...blahblahblah blah blah blah + blah... + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #289 - WRITTEN BY: TEERTS - 11/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0290.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0290.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1708799f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0290.txt @@ -0,0 +1,203 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #290 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Smashface" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Neko !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + She had the kind of face that I just wanted to smash from the + moment my eyes rested upon it. Her face carried some sort of stupid look + on it, not unlike a cow. + + Ha. + + The thought of her chewing cud makes me laugh...hmm. I guess in a + figurative sense she is chewing cud now. Or something. + + Oh yeah. Getting back to where I was ... You can probably guess + by now that I've killed her. It was a pretty obvious destiny from the + time I first saw that idiot-look on her face. + + We worked together. What a shit job that was. Cashiers at the + local supermarket. After working an eight hour day, I'd have more money + in my till just in cash then I've ever had at one time in my savings + account. You'd think that place could've afforded to pay us more. Cheap + bastards. + + Her name was Lila or something equally stupid like that. She + reminded me of everyone I ever hated in my rather short life. I never + really got to know her, my prejudice got in the way. Fortunately I never + closed with her, or the events that just happened might have happened in + a much more public place. I can't even imagine the kind of small talk we + would've made as we waited for the customers to file through. I guess if + there's one thing I can think God for in this shitty life it's that Lila + and I never closed the store together. + + Any time she would ask me one of those stupid ass cashier + questions like "Do you have any paper towels?" or "Could I borrow your + pen?" I had to try extremely hard not to say "FUCK YOU YOU STUPID ASS + BITCH" and instead grunted in the appropriate manner. I avoided talking + to her at all costs. Since simply looking at her made me sick to my + stomach, I could only imagine what carrying on a conversation with her + would do to me. + + So, if I tried so hard to avoid her, how did I end up where I am + now? Good question. Things were almost perfect, except for her being + alive, and one night -- and not even a night when I was working -- they + got all fucked up. + + I came in to the store about 5 minutes before it closed to get + some cigarettes (Ever since Camel lost their icon Joe Camel I got + hooked -- their new ads were MUCH cooler than those old kiddy ads) and + shoot the shit with all my friends who were stuck working. + + I grabbed the Camels and walked to the front end, dodging the + 'WET FLOOR' signs strewn about the area. I looked around to see who was + working. There was only one lane open and the cashier had her back + turned to me. Rob was bagging though. Cool, maybe we'd do something + after he got off work. Then, with a chuckle, the cashier turned around. + + oh FUCK. + + SHE was the cashier. + + The ONLY cashier. + + FUCK. + + I tried to play off my discontent as I walked through her lane + listening to the voice of Sandra the 'courtesy' desk girl telling the + customers (me and maybe two other people at that time of night) that the + store was closign in five minutes blah blah blah -- we always thought + it'd be much more effective to simply tell them to get the fuck out + before we loosed a pack of wild dogs on them. + + "Hey, Lila, Rob, how's it goin'?" I squeaked out with a slight + shudder. + + "It's goin pretty good man, what're you doing tonight?" asked Rob. + + Lila chuckled again -- more like cackles to my ear -- and grinned + stupidly. + + "Hi Will, nice to see you in here!" + + My mind repeated one phrase: fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou, but + somehow my mouth managed to say no more than "Yeah, it's good, uh-huh. + I'm in a hurry, ring me up." + + "Hey Rob, c'mere and mop the deli!" shouted one of the managers, + aka the Supreme Asshole. + + Rob left me alone with her. The bastard. + + "So Will, where are you going in such a hurry?" + + "Uhh, a party and shit. Ring me up, please." + + "Ooooh! A party! I love parties! Take me with! Let's get drunk." + + An idea formulated in my head. + + "Uhh, okay. Ring me up." + + "Just take it." + + "Okay." Hey, maybe she wasn't so bad. No. + + So I waited a few minutes for the store to close and for her to + leave. She got her coat on. It had a picture of Tweety Bird on it. How + fucking stupid for a 17 year old. + + We went out and got in my car and drove to the non-existant party + being held in the outback of a state park. + + She asked where I was taking her and I replied heaven. + + She thought I was joking, I guess, cuz she giggled and put her + hands on my crotch. + + I pulled over, thinking why not. This was the end, after all. + Might as well play it for all it was worth. I killed the motor and + unbuckled, kissing her in the process. + + I felt her up and she returned the favor. She actually wasn't + that bad. Oh well. Too bad. We made love. No. It was the teenage + version. We fucked. Like bunnies. It was good, but I couldn't let that + get in my way, now could I? I was on a mission. Of sorts. + + After we had finished, she reclined in the bucket seat, sighing + and breathing deeply. I climbed on top of her and she giggled that + stupid way again. + + "Ready for more, tee-hee?" + + Finally I let loose. "FUCK YOU, YOU CHEAP FUCKING NASTY ASS SKANK + WHORE!" + + She laughed and said, "What?" + + I kneed her in the stomach. This added a stunned look to the + permanent stupid look on her face. The chair went back the few inches it + could as she had not locked it into position. + + This was good, after I got over the initial shock, as it allowed + me more manouvering room. I kicked her in the face repeatedly. She was + too stupified to even scream. + + There was blood everywhere, but by this point I didn't even care. + I left her unconscious body resting in the passenger chair and opened + the trunk. I grabbed my heavy duty Maglite from the trunk and returned to + the car. + + The ending shouldn't surprise anyone -- I smashed her fucking face + in with that flashlight just like I'd been yearning to do since the first + time I saw her. + + Am I sorry? Not really, only that I didn't do it sooner. + + Will I be caught? + + I don't even care anymore. So, yeah, probably. I'm dumped her + body in the lake, but what can I do about the bloodstains in the car? + Not much. + + So now it's just me and a bloodied up car. And we're waiting for + the cops. They'll catch on, probably in the next day or so. I can't + imagine Lila staying submerged for long, and the camp is pretty popular + this time of year. Someone will find her before the week is up. + + But that's not the best part yet. + + The best part was afterwards, when I drove to City Pride Liquor. + They've got a drive through, see, and they don't check IDs, which is good + in my case. I hadn't put on any clothes yet, and the car was, of course, + still extremely bloody. I pulled up and asked for, and I quote myself + here, 'the biggest fucking bottle of vodka you have." + + The girl working inside -- who sure as fuck didn't look old enough + to drink what she was selling -- gave me a 2 litre bottle of some foul + stuff called "Dyermo". It said it was imported from Russia, but I didn't + give a fuck. She looked pretty shocked when she saw my state. But she + didn't say anything. I gave her a fifty dollar bill that I found in + Lila's purse and drove off. + + No driving off into the sunset -- more like driving off into the + sunrise. Drinking straight from the bottle was the only way to go, and I + went there. I drank the whole fucking bottle, pulled over to the side of + the road (but by that time, the way I was driving, I was pretty much + there anyway), puked out the window a couple times and fell asleep. + + I guess this is the end, but the cops haven't even found her body + yet, so who knows. + + As the French say, "C'est la vie." + + Whatever. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #290 - WRITTEN BY: NEKO - 11/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0291.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0291.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9e6e9c95 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0291.txt @@ -0,0 +1,61 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #291 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Earl: The Flightless Balloon" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Aster !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + alone and lost in the world, all he could do was role + roling over helped him to think so he roled and roled and roled + but still he could think of nothing + so then he roled so fast that he was just a blur + crusing down the highway + but then a vewry bad thing happened + he was pulled + over mbyt a big fat police officer + whop was drinking starbucks + coffee + and eaing a donut + earl had been roling + above the speed loimit + the officer + whose name was ted. + bby the way.... + gave him a ticket and then + left + earl sighed in reliefe that ted ahd not + strip searched him for numorous reasons + but mainly because + he was carrying pockets full, + of illeagel goods + but that's irrelevant! + earl looked at the ticket... + it read + "the space between you eares is coming soon to a theater near you" + he was puzzled + but little did he know the space people were also + coming + and they were very + scary + they were evil as was the bbbad potato, lenerd and his evil + pig friend merl + now merl has a cousin, whose name was earline + who was a member of the national council on lesbianism + (the logo looks alot like the one for the double tree hotel) + coincidence perhaps? + i guess we'll never know + if the sky is blue? + or if the grass is green? + or if we have 7 eyes or + 369,124 + + THE END. + + (mangos are better (butter).) + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #291 - WRITTEN BY: ASTER - 11/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0292.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0292.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8228918f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0292.txt @@ -0,0 +1,82 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #292 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Mother Goose is a Pervert" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Anjee !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + as any other freak, i like twisting words and taking things out + of context. i find pleasure in nothing else but seeking potential + sexually oriented nursery rhymes. i actually went through the trouble + of searching for websites containing the works of mother goose in order + to make her look like a pervert, because in the end, we are all + perverts. there is no such thing as 100% pure and innocent. today's + society practically revolves around sex. what follows is basically quotes + from mother goose nursery rhymes taken way out of context, as i + previously mentioned. + + !!========================================================================!! + + "And he'll beat you, beat you, beat you, + And he'll beat you all to pap, + And he'll eat you, eat you, eat you, + Every morsel snap, snap, snap." + -- "baby, baby, naughty baby" + + in my humble opinion, this is the perfect example of our + beloved mother goose subtlely introducing the concept of S&M to + innocent young children. + + + "That's the way the money goes. + Pop! goes the weasel." + -- "pop! goes the weasel" + + i seriously do not feel the need to elaborate on this one. + + + "...They all ran after a farmer's wife, + Who cut off their tails with a carving knife. + Did you ever see such a thing in your life, ..." + -- "three blind mice" + + this certainly must have been lorena bobbit's inspiration, also, + the hint of beastiality adds color and spice to this well-known + nursery rhyme. good work mother goose! + + + "Rub-a-dub dub, + Three men in a tub. + And who do you think they be?" + -- "rub-a-dub, dub." + + now that... was sick. (i honestly have nothing against + homo/bisexuality), but hey, it's more material! and for the fuck + of it, i was kind of hoping those three men would be gavin + rossdale, david usher and ethan hawkes. but that's my opinion. + + + "I love little pussy, + her coat is so warm, + and if I don't hurt her + she'll do me no harm." + -- "i love little pussy" + + ok. this simply reeks of pedophilia. i'm not exactly sure if + this is one of mother goose's nursery rhymes, but it was on the + same page as all the others, so nyah. + + !!========================================================================!! + + anyhow, i think i have proven my point. mother goose is a + pervert. with that said and repeated, you are now free to scram. but + remember -- respect yourself, protect yourself, safe sex. (by the way. + yes, i am very well aware that it would probably be better off locked up + in a nice white padded cell). + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #292 - WRITTEN BY: ANJEE - 11/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0293.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0293.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7b912136 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0293.txt @@ -0,0 +1,117 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #293 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Yeah" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Kreid !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + yeah, man. + + fuckin' YEAH! + + YEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MOTHERFUCKER!!!! WOOOOO!!!!!!!! + + yeah!!! a-hahahahah! yeah!@!@#!@$!!@!@!!@@!!!! + + yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah!!!! dig it!!! dig it!!! yeah!!!!!!!! + + yes, y'all. oh yes. yes indeed. ohhhh yessss..... YEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH... + + motha-fuckah!!! yeah! yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! + + wooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah!!!!!! + + yeah. + + Y-E-A-H SPELLS YYEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + + YEAH! + + YEAH! + + YEAH! + + YEAH! + + YEAH + + *** yeah *** + y e a h .............. + + yeah! yeah !!!!!!!!!! yeah baby! yah! baby baby baby yeah!!!!!!!!! + + hizzell yizzeah. that's right. that's right. THAT'S RIGHT MOTHAFUCKAH! + + yeah! + + yeah! get pumped! get psyched, baby! yeah! rock the fuck on!!! woooo! + + yeah! do it! go for it!!! awwwwwwww yeahhh!!!! yeah!!! yeah! + + no, wait, no.. no... no... + + no.. + + PSYCH!!!! + + YEAH!!@$!@$! YEAH!@!@!@#%$ YEAH#%!@#%(#@( YEAH!@#$%(*!@#$( YEAH!@$#!@#$ + + BITCH ASS! KILLER!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! + + gimme a Y! + gimme an E! + gimme dat motherfuckin' killer bitch-ass A! + what's the last fuckin' letter? what is it? that's right!!! H!!! + + WOO YEAH MOTHERFUCKER!!! WHAT DOES IT SPELL?!??!?! + + YOU KNOW IT!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!! + + YAEH oh fuck i spelled it wrong!!! i mean YAH!! aah fuck it's YEAH!!!! + + YEAH! + + I WANT YOU TO SHOVE YOUR DICK IN MY NOSE AND FUCK ME IN MY BRAIN!!! + + *** SAY IT AGAIN, BABY! *** + + YEAH!!@!! YEAH!!@!!!! YEAH!!!!!!! + + DON'T FUCK WITH ME, ASSHOLE!!! I'M DANGEROUS!!! I'LL EAT YOU WHOLE!!!! + + YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + !!! + + YEAH + eee-yeah! + + yeah + + + + $$$$ $$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ + $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ + $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$ + $$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ + $$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ + + + YEAH + + + oh my god. look at me. my life is in shambles. everything i do is + wrong. nobody loves me. + + please help me + + + + YYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #293 - WRITTEN BY: KREID - 11/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0294.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0294.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c2386b73 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0294.txt @@ -0,0 +1,70 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #294 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "I Need an Inexpensive Computer" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Anonymous !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + ---------- Forwarded message ---------- + Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 17:27:03 -0600 (CST) + From: christopher john bower + To: John Barber + Subject: Re: I Need an inexpensive computer + + who the fuck are you? I don't want to buy your stinking computer because + I can smell your stinky asshole from here and I am pretty sure that + you're standing naked in your room pissing all over the hard drive you + little pussy geek motherfucker. Please take my name off this list and if + you wanna play games with me, I'll rip your spinal cord out and sell it + back to you for the price of a new fucking computer you little hacker + smacker, put your lips up to this you tiny little barber, cut this + fucker, you little shit bag growing bigger and bigger, you are going to + die one day and I hope I am there to hear the last drop of shit drop from + your well fucked ass and then I am going to pay big fat ladies to stick + their flabby arms up your ass and start pulling your insides out, maybe + when you're still alive and then i'll post your pictures all over the + internet b/c its so usefull and I'll be a fucking millionare just like + you want to be you slimy little bastard,, you're probably shaking in the + corner now because some girl made a comment about you today in the line + for McDonalds, "Got his ass is big, I'd never leave the house if my ass + was that big, jesus, you could feed a third world country with the meat + on his ass" and then you decided to change your order and get the + chicken sandwich and then you realize that there is no girl and there + has never been a girl because they don't even see you, they don't even + know that you are fucking alive, you little creep, you little pansy ass + motherfucker, take my name off this freaking list you wimp, what are ya, + some kind of salesman, trying to sell baby computers like a fucking baby + vender, what are ya huh? + + misusing databases of names to rip off some fucking college student who + doesn't know any better, you better have a liscene for selling stuff + mister, you better have it all or you're gonna be in a lot of trouble. + But what the hell, you seem like a nice enough guy. I would like to + inform you that I do not need a computer but I will pass this message + on to all of my friends who might be looking for a great deal such as + this. If you would like to contact me personally, my phone number is + 384-8374 and I would love to meet you, and possibly date you, but + seriously, I don't hate you, I really don't mean all that stuff I said + up there, I didn't mean it. + + Hey, calm down you little yellow bellied acne scarred overgrown + trekkie...I mean I am sorry sweetheart, see you tonight at the Union, + just like we planned. I'll be wearin' that dress ok? you wear those + boxers ok, you know the ones, the clear ones with zippers on both sides, + I am bringing my bag of toys, I have these little black balls that like + to make popping sounds, ok boy, you are mine tonight and I am going to + give it you so hard you're gonna die and I'm gonna throw your wasted + body into the Lake and when the cops find it, all decomposed and nasty, + they'll look at all the balls in your ass and they'll be jealous and take + the balls and put you back where you belong baby, in the Lake, wet, ready + to scare some boaters and a long distance swimmer and I have had just + about enough of your backtalk. Come here right now and I am gonna slap + your ass. How does it feel? do it to me. HOw does that feel? Oh, baby, + you know how it feels, it feels fine! go do your homework. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #294 - WRITTEN BY: ANONYMOUS - 11/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0295.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0295.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b04e080f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0295.txt @@ -0,0 +1,72 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #294 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "New Teenage Girl Magazine: Girl Vibe" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Quarex !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Pages 1-284: Advertisements for the following products + ====================================================== + + * "Pretty happy love bunny cutemagic sticker" home pregnancy tests. + + * "Make your hair look the same as every other fucking girl's" shampoo + and conditioner. + + * "Please disregard my protruding fucking ribcage" dietary supplements. + Preferred by 4 out of 5 goddamn useless bitches. + + * "Bloody Fucking Shit" tampons, tested better than Lightdays Longs in + trials of 100 randomly selected marmosets. + + * "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" Feminine Napkins. + + And many miscellaneous nail polish ads. + + Page 285: Table of Contents + =========================== + + Is Your Cheating Boyfriend Really Worth Dumping pg. 286 + If He Has A Hot Ass? + + Why You Cannot Get Pregnant If He Cares About You pg. 290 + + Pictures Of And Interview With Attractive Man Who pg. 296 + Will Be Dead And/Or Forgotten In Five Months + + Totally Embarassing Stories About Your Period pg. 302 + + Girl Vibe Presents: Encouraging Story Of Triumph pg. 308 + Of Girl Over Troubling Situation Involving Heartache + + Quiz: Are You REALLY Into Hal Holbrook? pg. 314 + + Preview: More Fashions You Would Have To Be A pg. 316 + Fucking Idiot To Find Appealing + + Girl Vibe Presents: Interview With pg. 320 + Extremely Sympathetic Figure + + Makeover Monthly: Looking More Plastic pg. 326 + + Totally Embarassing Stories About Your Period pg. 330 + In A Classroom Situation + + The Importance Of Being Earnest pg. 334 + + Ask Charles Darwin pg. 340 + + A Crude Drawing By A Retarded Girl pg. 346 + + Girl Vibe Presents: Advertisement Section pg. 348 + + Next Month's Features Section pg. 84,310 + + Back Cover: Large Mosaic Of Quarex, Lord Of Flies + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #295 - WRITTEN BY: QUAREX - 11/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0296.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0296.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..77d1066d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0296.txt @@ -0,0 +1,420 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #296 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Pictures of Our Genitalia" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Rush2 & Xgirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + +begin 644 rush2-xgirl.jpg +M_]C_X 02D9)1@ ! @$ 2 !( #_[0VR4&AO=&]S:&]P(#,N, X0DE- ^T +M ! 2 $ 0!( 0 !.$))30/S ( X0DE- +M! H $ #A"24TG$ "@ ! (X0DE- _4 $@ +M+V9F $ ;&9F 8 $ +V9F $ H9F: 8 $ ,@ $ 6@ +M 8 $ -0 $ +0 8 $X0DE- _@ ' /______ +M______________________\#Z #_____________________________ +M ^@ _____________________________P/H /______________ +M______________\#Z .$))300 " X0DE-! ( 8 +M X0DE-! @ ! ! 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+ !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #296 - MADE BY: RUSH2 & XGIRL - 11/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0297.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0297.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8c0c9951 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0297.txt @@ -0,0 +1,78 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #294 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Basics of Brother Torture" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Inner Logic !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + In this series of articles you will learn the basics of brother + torture and it's many methods. In this article you will learn the best + physical torture methods. + + The first thing I would like to discuss is the coercement. This + is one of the most important things in little brother torture. It goes + like this. + + The trick is to get your younger brother _REALLY_ mad at you. + This is easily done through acute mental scrutiny. The scrutiny method + is like best is the "you smell like a horse" method. What I do is just + repeat this over and over, eventually driving him insane. This method + works great while he's talking on the phone. Eventually he will become + so annoyed that he will strike out blindly at you with a blunt object of + some sort. Now you can do whatever you want, because you have an alibi, + the "he hit me first" alibi. + + Another great coercement method is the "push the little daisies" + method. This is basically the same as the "you smell like a horse" + method except instead of chanting "you smell like a horse" you pull your + shirt over your head and run around his room yelling "Push the little + daisies and make 'em come up" in the most annoying voice you can make. + He'll find it funny at first, but after about 10 minutes he'll have had + enough and want to chop your head off. At this point he will assault + you and then do as you please. The best time to use this method is when + he has one of his little friends over for a tea-party. The friends will + think its hilarious and your little bro will eventually scream "IT IS + NOT FUNNY" at them. + + Now its time for the torture. A great method is the "typewriter" + this is one of the funniest gags around! First toss your brother on a + bed. Now sit on his stomach. At this time he'll wonder what the hell + is going on. The next step is important. Depending on the strength and + size of your little bro, you must decide on the pressure to use. What + you do is you pin each of his arms down with each of your knees. Having + done this you begin to "type your letter". I like to act like I'm + writing a letter home from camp...what I say usually goes like this, + "Dear mom" (as I do this I pretend to type on an invisible typewriter on + his chest) at that I say "oops...i messed up" and pull on his hair acting + like I'm removing a piece of paper. Then I pull down on his earlobes + pretending that I'm loading in a new piece. Then I start from the + beginning. This goes on until I get bored or until he starts crying, + from the latter a confrontation with my mom will usually ensue. + + The next method I'd like to discuss is the "fish-hook" method. + This is a quick, efficient, fun method. It is a sneak attack that works + great in the kitchen. what you do is while your little brother is + distracted by the fridge, you sneak up behind him and hook one of your + fingers into his cheek. Now you've got him. You can drag him around and + make him give you money, candy, or whatever. When he resists, pull hard + on his cheek, that'll get him really steamed and he'll probably slobber + all over your hand, so I suggest wearing a rubber glove (this also leaves + a VERY unpleasant taste in you victims mouth). + + The third and final method I will discuss is the "Milkshaker" + method, this is the simplest of all methods. The first step is to toss + your little bro to the ground. Having done this I would now suggest + invoking the typewriter method as an intro. After the typewriter you + scissor you legs around his mid-body, lock them, squeeze, and begin to + shake violently. He will eventually puke, or his chest will cave in. + Though I doubt the latter will happen, as it has never happened to me. + + Oh, Don't come crying to me when mommy and daddy ground you for + a year. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #297 - WRITTEN BY: INNER LOGIC, 11/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0298.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0298.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d0cb5ea1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0298.txt @@ -0,0 +1,94 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #298 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Suffer the Children" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Zaff !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + "I kill children + I like to see them die..." + -- Dead Kennedys, I Kill Children + + You can hardly turn on the television anymore without seeing that + some fat ugly sexually frustrated kid just hitting puberty, usually in + Mississippi or one of the other states that just exist to give America + a bad name in the global community, has gone and shot up a few of his + classmates and teachers. Sometimes the kids even lay lethal traps, + displaying more ingenuity than one would expect from such a creature. + Perhaps if the ACT's added a section for paramilitary and militia + tactics, the average score for the state of Arkansas would rise above + the elusive 11 mark. + + And when little redneckins aren't shooting themselves and handy + authority figures, some 10 year old ghetto defendant is on trial for + wasting his 11 year old best friend with a semi-automatic weapon for + disrespecting his bitch. + + Kids are just growing up so fast anymore. + + Many people are alarmed by all this violence, but I think a + simple policy reform will channel all this ill-expressed frustration + into positive action. I don't mean midnight basketball--the last thing + we need to do is encourage still more young boys to become part of what + is essentially a million dollar slave raquet/freak show. And now with + the WNBA women are getting involved too, and why not. Girls are idiots + too and a few of them can jump high. + + Nor am I advocating channeling this energy into artistic + pursuits. What the world does not need is one more redneck writing + about his life and times or about the struggles she went through + growing up in the deep south. And as for the urban youth--god please, + no more gangster rap. No more. (Note: The worst part about this + manifestation of the Epichorean Muse is not the music, but the way women + universally sway rhythmically when it is played. One can tune out the + music, but to avoid the dancing one needs to either walk around with + one's eyes closed or, better still, figure out a way to ram one's head + up one's ass until the offending sight goes away.) + + No, the policy reform I advocate is a simple one. Arm the kids + with reliable guns and teach them to shoot straight. Think of all the + fun and goodness this would result in. + + In the first place, we have a ready pool from which to draw in + the event of a war. Just by virtue of this system, anybdy who lives to + be 18 or so can be assumed to be a damned good soldier. What, with Iraq + being so mean to us, and the Russians getting pissy (and still armed + with enough nukes to blow up the world some absurd # of times), with + fools and madmen controlling the nukes in breakaway republics, China + India and Pakistan all being what Kissinger might term "fuckstains"... + well you get the point. A standing militia *is* necessary, after all, + to the protection and maintenance of our nation. + + Secondly, we would finally have a fully armed proletarian. Class + envy is alive and well today, when some kids have expensive clothes, + computers and opportunities, while others have big hunks of poop that + life gives them from which they can make, as the Red Meat comic strip + suggests, poop juice. By the junior year of high school on, kids know + who the privileged fucks are, and who the whiny sons of bitches with + pseudoangst and nice warm homes and families to go back to are. I bet + one or two of the poor and downtrodden and federally armed students will + find interesting things to do with their guns and training. Control the + means of production? Establish a government of the workers? Or just + kill a few blonde haired Abercrombie and Fitch clad SOB's? I don't + think you can go wrong. + + Oh, and there is a third benefit. See, if kids are armed, + everybody is going to have to arm themselves well and learn to defend + themselves. And the fat, ugly, misunderstood kids who go on shooting + sprees in Arkansas and wherever else are the ones who are going to take + the most risks. Most of them fancy themselves military minds and bodies + anyway (despite the obvious fact that their girth and poor vision makes + them fit only for permanent latrine duty). These kids are bound to take + military risks and get killed in high numbers, ensuring fewer web pages + overall and preventing any chance, however remote, that they might + reproduce. + + So yes, arm the kids. Let them have their fun, boys will be boys + after all. It can lead to nothing but goodness. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #298 - WRITTEN BY: ZAFF - 11/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0299.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0299.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d0fe9f53 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0299.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1403 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #299 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "POETRY EXPLOSION 2!" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Various Artists !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/3/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + This is HOE's second venture into poetry compilation, the last + was #199. You'll find this issue is jam-packed full of variety. Good, + bad, funny, pointless, strange, confusing, and absolutely horrible verse. + What else would you expect? And it's all for your reading pleasure! + Can *you* tell which is brilliant and which is completely stupid?! + + We DARE you. + + This issue features h0etry from the following (26) authors + (in alphabetical order): + + Altrocks, Anjee, AnonGirl, Apollo, Belial, Cappacino, Cstone, + Cyn, Ernest "The Cat" Miller, G0ff, Jester, Jook, Kaia, Kreid, + Lilnilhil, Mogel, Mooer, Mutter, Neko, Obsidian, PezMonkey, + Phairgirl, Quarex, Retribution, Rockstar, Seaya, Shadow Tao, + Squinky, Styx, Tasha, Teerts, and Trilobyte. + + Be sure to enjoy. Or vomit. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "Know" + - by Altrocks + + Do you? + Do you? + Do I? + Does anyone? + Know? + No. + I don't think so. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "Time" + - by Altrocks + + Time is energy, + Because it can FORCE people apart, + It can PULL at their usually stable relationships, + It can PUSH it's way inbetween them, + It causes differences, + It makes problems. + It and it's sister DISTANCE. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "Anymore" + - by Altrocks + + Anymore. + No more. + No one. + Anywhere. + Anything. + Anymore. + Nevermore will things be the same. + They never are. + The last stable pillar... + The last Constant... + The last anchor... + Destroyed by a menial thing, + Like you. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "sleepy" + - by Anjee + + the sun slowly rises + as the tingles + let their presence known + at last. + sleep would feel good + it'd feel even better + if i put it off + for a while. + the weights on my eyelids get + heavier. + i can torture my sleepy mind, + soul + with stories of fiction + or love [fiction] + although i would much prefer + sitting in front of a cold screen + that whispers + non-existant words + from people who have + similar sleeping disorders. + which eventually leads to + boredom. but that doesn't + cooperate very well with the + sleeping habits of an + insomniac. + but who am i to complain? + i simply wish i could go to + bed. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "scattered emotions" + - by Anjee + + cold + wrapping around my tired soul + empty . . . took possession of my mind + numbed my brain, + heart. + love, left me in the rain + vulnerable, + sought a way into my weak body. . . + meanwhile, hate sept through + the pores of my aging + skin. + pain decided to stay around for + another day + and hurt crept up on me + when i was looking the other way. + run, + run faster + further. . . + but it never goes away. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "Poem" + - by AnonGirl + + poetry is meaningful, and deep + or it is shallow and empty + it can be straight forward + or it can be so goddamn confusing. + periods here, commas there + Capitalized or not? + + poetry can be about hate yet mean love, + vice versa + it discusses love, + and how painful it is + it discusses pain, + and how lovely it is + + There once was a girl named Belle + She always had something to sell + She became very broke + And choked on Diet Coke + And was then sent straight down to Hell + + these are types of poetry + there are many sorts + they are opposite of me + + poems were meant to make sense + although some don't + some are nice and pretty + and use words such as + trees, love, frolick, ponder, lillies, sunset, ducks + it can rhyme or not + But all in all I think that poetry sucks. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "animals" + - by Apollo + + the scorpion making its way + structures below falling apart. + sand that blows in her mind + can never understand me. + + swans flying, high above + clouds falling on top. + the worms that crawl in her soul + can never know me. + + mouse running away + cats claws flying close. + th fire that burns her bdoy + can never feel her. + + the flowers are gone + my head is falling apart. + my body, soul or mind + can never love her. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "ansi" + - by Belial + + ansi, ansi - in my pants + ansi, ansi - ansi dance + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "hackers" + - by Belial + + hackers are fun, + hackers are neat, + if i was one, + i would be elite. + + if i was a hacker, + not that i care, + i'd be a slacker, + and have long hair. + + i would be as swift as a fox, + it would be cool. + i'd hack root on a box, + and make the admin look like a fool. + + i'd change the motd, + i'm not sure what it would say... + something flashy... + maybe, "you are owned, now go away!" + + but that's not enough, + a hacker is more, + i'd do all kinds of k-rad stuff, + and i'd never score. + + actually, what? + that's not right. + hackers are sluts, + they have sex every night. + + i do know, + maybe i'm wrong. + i better take this slow, + /nick kingkong. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "Shine" + - by Cappacino + + And so i shine. + though dimly-lit and discouraged to start-- + i fight and consume what i need and breathe + until and ONLY until there is no doubt + in anyone who sees me, + I shine, + absolutely. + + Brilliance, + in every aspect of the word, + is what i am, + as i continue with what i will always be, + shining. + + Why do I shine? + a flash of doubt has seeped into your mind. + 'Does it matter?' is my only reply. + the depths of my mind, + everything that i encompass + extends far beyond your own + self-imposed boundaries of space & time. + + because while i sit, and shine, + and you all sit, and watch, + my soul shines ominpotently-- + everlasting, + an immortal flame, + and i have shone, + as i shine now before you, + and i will continue to shine, + long after you whither and pass away... + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "useless words" + - by Cstone + + words are far too intarticulate. + but if silence could be constructed, + what wouldn't we lose? + can't we improve without destroying ourselves? + could we fashion an uninterruptable silence-- + not subject to the blur of our minds--anyway? + + we can't; we can't even question why we can't + without being uselessly repetitive; but it + happens anyway. what is our recourse? + dismissal. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "Sonnet for the Girls Who Wore Too Much Eye Make Up + and Made Me Read Their Poetry In Junior High." + - by Cyn + + Words pour out of you, + like muddy water's knell, + from a deep, deep, deep well, + ready to become a poem's brew. + Poor teen-angst-filled girl. + Your life is oh-so-tragic. + You have to write its magic + before your brow can unfurl. + You're so full of tragedy, + you could be a Greek play, + but instead you write a song. + When you give it to me, + All I can think to say + is "That was really long." + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "the gospel according to ernest" + - by Ernest "The Cat" Miller + + i am three time world karate champion + i can tear your heart out in three seconds + ya'll better lock all the doors in this place + i'm fixin' to beat every one of you up + i'm the real deal + i'm the greatest + somebody better call my momma + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "Voltron" + - by G0ff (a haiku written sometime in 1987) + + Voltron will eat you. + He really wants to eat you. + He thinks you'll taste good. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "love for all" + - by The Jester (Jesse) + + i think that i love + everything + ever + except: + you + the exception to + my golden + rule of love for + all? + or do you mean everything to me? + indecision? indecision? + can it be chosen? in life? + can god help? + can anyone help? + what should i do? + can you tell me? + i think i'd rather + not + know come to think of it. + my steady decline is much more + sure + than you ever were. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "an ode to noodles" + - by The Jester (Jesse) + + ramen noodle; you're my soup + o the choices you give to me; + beef, chicken, teriyaki, vegetable, + you make me feel free. + + noodle, noodle in my cup. + where hast thou gone? + i have eaten you and your brothers, + you were the jaun. + + you are all gone, + you had great broth. + you are all gone, + but worth the cost. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "fresh salsa from new mexico" + - by Jook + + the salsa flowed through my teeth + like the first time i was in that + bathroom stall with him / i had + closed the door when he looked at + me in my right eye and said / + + "thanks for the salsa last night. + it tasted good on my eggs. my + mother used to make salsa and + eggs a lot like you did last + night. + + the + salsa + sat + on my eggs like my mom sat on my + lap when i was eight." + + and on the eigth day, the salsa + was bad, and he was bad, and + the stall was bad. + + the bathroom stall in JC PENNIES + filled itself to the brim with + salsa that day the tomatoes and + onions and peppers flowed from + my eyes. the spice of my life + was gone. + + as i shut the bathroom stall + door on my way out, i turned + my head a little to the right + and said to the stall: + + i really do not like salsa + anymore. i'll just stick with + ketchup. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "Here" + - by Kaia + + i invite you to play in this puddle with me! + here, where the wheel appears to be turning backwards + four words + backwards. + and the preacher is standing with his hands in the air + exalted, exclaiming, "take this machine, all of you, and feed it!" + he's bawling like a cat stream, "don't go" + + "party in my paycheck, you know it + feed the machine, breathe the sun + clean up the orbit, you hear + down the river of beer and a lush. + i'm a drunken asshole!" + + feed the machine. + + "send my message over valleys of yore + from the pillars to the ends of the earth!" + + you want me to what? + stick my what in the where? + i can't do that. i just + i'm sorry, i + i have to wash my hair No, i + i apologize to inform you regretfully that i + am sorry that i sorry am that I am have sorry am + No Regrets. No Regrets. + Know, Regress. + I used up my last token on the betsy ross bridge and + fuck, it's no use + i really can't understand anything you're saying. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "butcher's counter" + - by Kreid + + at the supermarket + i sometimes like to hide behind the butcher's counter + and masturbate + my face pressed against hot soft meat + but too often it's just too hard to ejaculate + on lsd + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "money" + - by Kreid + + right now i have $3.00 in my pocket + tomorrow i'm gonna go get myself a nice dinner + and i'll still have $3.00 in my pocket + why? + well, i'm going to leave my pants in my closet + it's funny, you know... + you can get a lot of things for free + when you spend a day + with no pants on + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "heh heh heh" + - by Kreid + + strapped in the chair of the city's gas chamber + why i'm here i can't quite remember + the surgeon general says it's hazardous to breathe + i'd have another cigarette but i can't see + tell me who ya gonna believe + + heh heh heh + i didn't really write that. + axl rose did. + + guns n' fuckin' roses!!!! + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "ROCK!" + - by Kreid + + i'm gonna rock... + i'm gonna rock... + i'm gonna ROCK THIS TOWN TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN! + + i'm gonna rock... + i'm gonna rock... + i'm gonna ROCK IT! ROCK IT! ROCK IT! ROCK IT ROCK IT YEAH! + + ROCK ROCK, rock it, rock it, yeah! + ROCK ROCK, rock it, rock it, yeah! + ROCK ROCK, rock it, rock it, yeah! + ROCK ROCK, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK? + + ROCK!!!! BOOM BOOM BOOM + ROCK!!!! BOOM BOOM BOOM + ROCK, BOOM BOOM! I'M GONNA ROCK THIS PLACE, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK? + I'M GONNA ROCK IT ALL NIGHT, YEAH! + + rock it... rock it... yeah... boom boom, boom boom + rock it... rock it... yeah... boom boom. + rock it... rock it... yeah... boom boom, boom boom + rock it! rock it! boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom! + + ROCK! + + peace. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "blow job" + - by Kreid + + i've never given a blow job before. + i'm serious! i never have. + i don't think i ever will, either. + and it's not because i have something against gay people... + it's just that i have a permanent case of lockjaw. + WHAT A SHITTY FUCKING WORLD WE LIVE IN!!! BY GOD SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME + ah, well. i can't stand this shit. + want a hand job? + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "Apparently" + - by Lilnilhil + + Fingers, sockets + bottled rockets + nooses, doorways + kick the chair. + Guns and ammo + click, then blammo + red-stained walls + as idiots stare. + Leaps off buildings + stabbings, drownings + take me, help me + get away. + Band-aids, traction + vaporaction + apparently suicide + ain't the way. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "You Use Emoticons" + - by Mogel + + Please stop using emoticons, :) + They are really annoying. :< + I'll admit that, :o] + on rare ocassion, :/ + there are times where you're being "cute", =) + and it seems to fit, ;) + but I highly doubt, :D + those times happen every 10 seconds. :( + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "My Nazi Fantasy" + - by Mogel + + If I re-enacted the concentration camps, + in Nazi Germany, + with the notion of purifying the world, + Instead of sticking Jews in the lines, + I'd stick women. + Fat out, pretty in. + + McDonalds biggest mistake, + beyond being disgusting, + was letting retards work there. + It let out a message to the other employees, + which said, + "even retarded people can work your jobs." + And you probably have low self-esteem anyway, + if you're working at McDonalds, + but you certainly don't need it to be legally binding. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "A Hug from HELL" + - by Mogel + + He used the energy of his hate, + to fuel his hug, + and he wrapped his arms around her body, + imagining it was her neck, + and he squeezed her so tightly, + pretending he was strangling her, + squeezing and squeezing. + And when it was done, + all she could say was, + "That was a great hug!" + "Heehee!" + + If she died, + I would say, + "Thank God, + now I can write my novel." + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "BITE" + - long car rides make me manic sometimes + - oj makes me happy + - by Mooer + + there be a number of ways to open a rock + slow and perversely inadequate + lovingly and retrospectively inaccurate. + FUCK those fucky words + + the barbed open the doors to freedom + your eyes open the window to the bloody pool + i wept for you + i wept for you melodramatic fucker. + + love light speed of your drive + make my tongues dry. + tick tock you lyme disease + what a tumor you are on my sleeve + + monday's are for lovers, + you slept in my covers, + rhyme and reason + are not of the season + + in front of + impromptu + naked once again + i lick the salt + from your skin + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "Sparky" + - by Mutter + + I had a dog named sparky + we named him that because he had metal balls + and when he walked they used to scrape the gravel and cause sparks + one day mommy said + sparky took a nap + and won't wake up again + ever. + That's good, though. + He was fucking annoying. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "the man" + - by Mutter + + the man says people can't smoke weed 'cause it brings together the masses + and that's not his trip. + + the man says if I want food and water I have to compete for green paper. + and that's not my trip. + + the man says I can't yell fire in a crowded theater. + the man says I can't light the theater on fire first. + You can't ever please him. + + the man says i should brush my teeth three times a day (and floss!) + that's okay, though. 'cause I like brushing my teeth. Okay, the man ain't + all bad. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "four 15 in the fucking morning on a wednesday: a portrait in alcohol" + - by Neko + + fucking goddamn i say + this jets to brazil cd rules + sometimes when i talk i spray + and sometimes when i sleep i drool + + i wish i could write lyrics well + like the guy who writes for this band + but if i could write i'd be in hell + and all my life would be lived in sand + + i'm in love + i think + they tell me it's true + but still i drink + + i can't write poetry + so fuck you + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "captivity" + - by Neko + + living in captivity dsucks. + but noit all that bad. + sometimes ziego fives fus some voadka and lets us get durnk. + ai am drunk right now. + rfrom ziegos vodka. + + i mean, the motherfucker stole me from colelge hwereh i can get alkl the + salcohol i want 243/7./365 but shit godamn motherfucker at least he + compensnates. + + and sometimes the moterhfucekr l;ets uys like go on irc and shit and fuck + shit up old school style and shit and were like YEAH CAPTIVITT IS BACD AND + SHIT AND FGUCK ZIEGFO BUT TYOY SUCJK + but yoiu nkwwo, it's all shoiw and tell abd shity + + we get passes to the city and shit + like i got to go see the bomboras and satsn'a pilgrims tonight + they were some fucking awesome bands + but all i wanted was to hit the shit and get fuycked up + whicxh iw s where i am right now + klike you couldnm t tell, h ee heheeeheheheh + + what do i miss most about the real fucking world? + wrestling, of cousrre! we donm't get wreeztling in this fucjking hellhole. + + suire, we get to see phairgirl and anjee wrestly, amnd, like they're naked + and shgiut so it's ok, but i mean, gfive me stone cold and undertaker and + the rock and shit anywday i mean fuck i am subscribed to th fucking + jobbers list. if ther eisn't anything more pathetic i dsontw know what + the fuck tiit is + + i got thje new jets to brazil cd so thats fucking cool thanks ziego + i like it so fuck you mothercucxkjer + + goddamnit if i was as drunj as i seemed to be do you know how great this + wiuld be? and all because gfirls suck! + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "nameless cathedral" + - by Obsidian + + wandering around wasted in the dying light + bag ladies conversing with my priest carrying a case of ky jelly + electric blue tears of a little girl + cruxified on the lampshade + brother, you got a dollar - listen to me + maybe three bucks--i need a pack of smokes + she gave for her soul and her life away + for an orange gap sweater + v-neck + and she carries my soul in a backpack + designer crucifix + light me a candle + i'll light a cigarette + while she prays for my redemption + and i can't give her what she wants + + !!========================================================================!! + + - An Advocation for D.A.R.E. in Schools + - by PezMonkey + + D.A.R.E. to keep the kids off drugs! + Pop a lude? "No way, dude!" + Snort a line? "No thanks, I'm fine!" + + Drugs are for slugs or thugs with bugs + in their hair. Be fair. Oh I am, I am. + Be kind. Don't lose your mind. Wait, the state + likes to masturbate while prevarication occurs. + + I am the very model of a modern major general + if you must know. If you mustent, well, then, + you know. . . don't. + + I like crack, jack. + + My penis is 3.7 inches long when erect. + That was also my GPA in 3rd grade. The first + year of grades, you know. What a long sad time + ago that was. + + I feel like the walls of my life have + come a-tumblin' down when you blew the horn + of plenty in my tea. + + I like buddha, gouda. + + Boopboopydoopboop. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - I Personally Think That A Title Is Unimportant to a Poem Because + It Can Never Say as Much as the Poem Itself Does, and Besides, + Most Poetry Is Written By Pretentious Hacks With Nothing to Say + Who Use Obscure Titles That Have Nothing to Do with the Poem + - by PezMonkey + + I + have + burned + off + my tongue + to eat the feces + of your uterus of lust. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "untitled" + - by Phairgirl + + my world is deceit + hypocrisy + shameless selfishness of others + i am tired + of plates sown on others' backs + only to be labeled as otherwise + across their chests + + i define power + yet my strength is weak against myself + i divelge my secrets + and am found yet alone + i create + i love + i care + i hate + + i am burdened with truths + i cannot bear the consequences + i close my mind + from the sound of pitch black evil + dew drop honey + + i feel warmth in containment + i am drowned by silence + i cherish the touch that tickles of love + + i want to kill + + i am silence within arising chaos + my speech contains me + my screams negate me + i am spoiled by plush + strapped by silver + + i am free in my world + i am trapped + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "my best friend" + - by Phairgirl + + oozing skanky cuntwhore bitch + i'd like to throw her in a ditch + she bugs me like a herpes itch + charity myhre, DIE YOU SCUMMY PIECE OF SHIT TRAILER SLUTTY WHITE TRASH + PSYCHO GONORRHEA-INFESTED BILEBAG DOUBLE CROSSING THEIVING TWO-TIMING + BACK-STABBING LEECHING SHIT-FILLED NUTCASE FREAK!!! + AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!@#@!# + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "HAIKUS ABOUT FOOD, FOLKS, AND THE SHEER LOATHING OF WOMEN" + - by Quarex + + I think girls should change + They should be more like foodstuffs + They would have a use. + + Where is my hoopde? + I must find it to leave Zehr's + The sky is falling. + + I once had an ex from the city + Who wanted her life to be shitty + She dated this dude + Who bawled like a prude + That silly lil' ex from the city. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "An Ode To Her Gentleman Caller In The Autumntime" + - by Quarex + + can you feel for my immense sadness? + Of course I have sympathy for you. . . + (You cry like a bitch) + + will you please come spend some time with me? + Of course i will go with you. + (You cry like a bitch) + + may i now please kiss you? + Of course i will make out with you + (You cry like a bitch) + + might we be together? + of course i will move to be with you + (You cry like a bitch) + + why don't you stop talking to him? + of course i will abandon all of my friends for you + (If you stop to think about it, you know, you really do cry like a + little fucking bitch) + + how very much in love we are. + of course i will lose all dignity i have, all for you, my love. + You cry like a fucking bitch. You fucking bitch. + + !!========================================================================!! + + "Maybe I'll just cut your head off" + - by Retribution + + Mogel said write something funny + funny? how about me with some money + or maybe all the honies + maybe even a cute little bunny + + THAT I CAN SQUISH AND KILL AND EAT + THAT I CAN STOMP ON WITH MY FEET + THAT I CAN SUFFICATE WITH A SHEET + AND MAKE HIM SUCK MY MEAT + + or maybe i'll take a gopher + i'll pretend he's a dog + even name him rover + or even a hog? + nah, cause i just want wade boggs + + SO I CAN BEAT HIM WITH HIS BAT + AND MAKE HIM EAT MY CAT + AND MAKE HIM GO SPLAT + AND THAT WILL BE THAT + + who cares about baseball? + no good know-it-alls + i need some over-alls + or a uniform from u-haul + + then i can be a crazy man + and say my name is tucan sam + i can go "tucan sam i am" + and then rape a full grown man + AND DO IT TO A CAN OF SPAM + CAUSE I'M CRAZY SON OF SAM + THANK YOU MA'AM + I'LL KILL ALL YOU INDIAN TANS + CAUSE I'M THE SON OF UNCLE SAM + + or maybe i'll just stop writing lit + cause i've had about enough of this shit + i'll print this out and use it as toilet paper + or grind it up and put it in the salt shaker + + CAUSE VIOLENCE GETS MY NUT OFF + AND I'LL JUST GO AND CUT YOUR HEAD OFF + SO NEENER NEENER NEENER + I'LL CIRCUMSIZE YOUR WEENER. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "Bored" + - by Retribution + + Damn i'm bored + the cat just snored + what the hell? + MY FEET SMELL + So i'll take off my belt + and lie down on the felt + while eating a tuna melt + my feelings will be delt + with + + I'M GONNA WHIP MYSELF + right on my ass cheek + I'M GONNA RIP MYSELF + a new asshole, but yet so meek + I'M GONNA DRIP MYSELF + i have to take a sheet + I'M GONNA WHIP MYSELF + on my ass cheek + + So who cares? + My care bares dare to care + They talk to me when i'm awake + They make my penis go and shake + I dont skate + Its too late + I've determined my own fate + I'm gonna be an hour late + + cause i must masturbate + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "Giving Up" + - by Rockstar (Girlie17) + + For as long as I can remember + I've been alone. + I'd see an escape, but realize + It was only a hope. + Not yet realized, not yet seen, + Something that would come + Just as a dream; + Then fade away, twice as fast, + Maybe reappear, then quickly pass. + I always think that someday it will happen + I'll find someone to love + Someone who cares just enough + Not to treat me as the rest have. + + He won't forget that I too feel. + I'm more than a body + I too have a soul - + Easily crushed, filled with anger and pain. + Why do I try over and over again. + Some question me now, + Wonder how I can detach, + Emotion from physical, present and past. + It's easy to stop trying to love. + When every attempt is thwarted -- just lust. + A woman needs attention, and affection and trust + These things seem simple + Yet so hard to find, + So stop wondering why I gave up + I'll never be yours, ..nor you mine. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "Angst Sonnet" + - by Seaya + + Alone against an ivy-covered wall + A sizzling ember in the cool night air + A cigarette clasped in a hand so fair + She holds her leather jacket in a ball + A shadowed being draped in only black + There are a thousand million of her kind + They chalk it up to youth's forgetful mind + Afraid of facing truths or looking back + Why she had left them she would not betray + If you had asked her plainly to her face + The social worker gave up on her case + "My parents do not care," she'd have a laugh + "They live a life that I will never have." + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "selected haiku" + - by Shadow Tao + + i am not perky + i am not the sun shining + please leave me alone. + + i stare in wonder + my hair is a tribute to + aquanet science. + + you have the phat pants + and you dance to the loud bass + but are you raving? + + you have the glowsticks + and you dance to scooter's songs + but is that raving? + + your pacifier + is covered in LSD + but is it a rave? + + the dao of the snatch + is not found in the pussy + but in the throwing. + + so many warezboys + i'd like to kick in the dick + for their ignorance. + + with no route to host + ping says all packets are lost + but who would save them? + + i toss a value + into the great /dev/null/ + it is like my mind + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "playstation or IRC?" + - by Styx + + do both at the same time + unless you don't have a playstation + in which case you are probably a black person + who lives in the poor section of town + or if you don't have a TV + then you are probably also a black person + who lives in the poor section of town + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "Shot of Reality, Heavy on the Caffeine" + - by Tasha + + my lipstick left + on a styrofoam cup + in this cheap + corner of a dirt road + diner + but you swear + it's the most feminine thing + about me + short hair, bare earlobe + chewed nails + of a hand resting on your thigh + tugging at the inseam + of your salvation army jeans + waitress gives me more coffee + no cream no sugar + you say it's better this way + and the cockroach on my shoe + is more fascinating than your eyes + at midnight + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "me too, neh?" + - by Teerts + + why must we all fall into these + vicious cycles? + not only of using borrowed phrases :-) + but also of our souls + forgetting the past when they damn + well know they should not. + whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy!?@ + guess i thought i was above it, + i forgot instead of living around it. + now it is back again. + why why why why why do you not go + away and come back later!?@ + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "ode to a photoshop bitmap" + - by Trilobyte + + i made a little picture + brings tears right to my eyes + it has a forlorn angel + and devil in disguise. + + it was to be my prom night + you wore a pretty dress + your hair was fresh and styled + your makeup was a mess. + + they took the lousy picture + your arm locked up with mine + in grandpa's fresh cut lawn + with background of a pine. + + the night was quite a doozy; + the climax came that morn + when sharing all our passion, + your foot set off the horn. + + now our love is over + and i must show my pain + by scanning in this photo + in 24-bit TWAIN. + + i made you into satan + with horns and twisty tails, + a smile sticks to your portrait + because your hate prevails. + + i gave myself a halo + because i was so sweet + i never once did hurt you -- + i'm not the one to cheat. + + i moved us from the yard + and into someplace hot; + a land that i won't visit, + where someday you will rot. + + i hope you like my work + and poem 'long with it + it helps me to remember + you really looked like shit. + + !!========================================================================!! + + - "an epic... about... childhood..." + - by Squinky + + Keith Pepin + blind unbelief in the all together + With quick moments of mental state + And this feeling the man's sweat tasted it + with tenants of this feeling the disappearance of dissolution + + Suzy was and there his life man + She opened the man's sweat, tasted it with tenants + of this feeling + + Jarett Kobek: The intellectual production against the bourgeoisie + + cannot exist without the streets or sitting next + to allow me No bony + + Welcome To every revolutionary movement with its contest + was monopolised: ie of braining herself. Her rabbits + did taste especially good memories of braining herself + + Keith Pepin had done not even more intruding + and Tribes of the Communists fight for that has + + Kobek had become acquainted with their place of + masturbation, My right hand probed, my cabinet sprung + into college which everything interesting eventually leads to. + Because there arises a softer version of physical medium + + Because you want to constantly revolutionising the girls + demanded he grew frustrated with their place of + masturbation: My right hand probed... my cabinet sprung... + + Keith Pepin as hard thing had forced to + convey punctuation intended by industrial armies the fact + that there always must return as that there + + Suzy A few meagre grains of Humanity and + obscene nature who couldn't you alive and demanded + he saw her almost ululated with the homeless + + Keith Pepin suck down and proofread public domain etexts + + is Bianca was ready to look at Me? + About her hands not help They could + And finally she kicked Keith Pepins sorry ass + + of trash All previous securities for its classcharacter + Let him question in direct their hindquarters the + Kobek and none of England and you're trying + to celebrate And thus it isn't just + been much easier to celebrate + + Jarett Kobek could not exactly be different + Did you happened to either delete this etext disclaims + most advanced towards the greatest ruccus he was + + Because Hell was affectionate but raw material products + of others The Project Gutenberg Illinois Benedictine College + And oh how bored she loved by these pictures for fresh + Suzy searched and pick flowers She went out + gathering within certain destruction on all howl at + avoiding direct eye contact that dignity be avoided + To me Putting the movements of others The + history of individuals but rather than any of + Kobek moved his mind: I'm the workers- by + individual by individual by individual by individual by + individual by individual by individual by individual by + + Because you sit alone reading a book in + + Jarett Kobek could easily shed and smiling deeply + Because Hell was monopolised ie of American Science + To hear the same feeling the same feeling + the golden apples dropped from them can + Suzy lost it, would not, wanting tousethefuckingbathroomNOW + nothing + happened to her + + But I wrote silly lives together + With quick moments of their tendencies and + And to another If the inevitable ruin of + nature who designed or less complete systems were + happy + + When people talking + Kobek aged thirtyseven kneeled at the power of + agony rose within the + + Jarett Kobek had become acquainted with their periodical + return as attractive + Mister Oe allow myself fell to other by + them for vaginal penetration + Because you must first of communication and therefore + which feudal property into one class certain common + to further reproached with all distinctions have nothing + + Mister Oe please I quote This physic scarring + pain in a gigantic headrush When he knew + himself in a gigantic headrush... When he knew... + + Instilled lust filled up and lost it would not + nothing happened to have loved Each + + Welcome To this distinctive feature of thrashing + mimicked her chest Bianca No concern and sinew + during his resolution I've had during + this vision I could baser metals Where could + + Welcome To The feudal patriarchal master and constant + opposition parties + They wanted into scintillia on shale + rock + Knock! Knock! Knock! + + Allow disclaimers and thereby transformed into + various stages of these battles lies not exactly + be and constant opposition parties of these battles + + "Kobek knew not try and weather climates coming + of chivalrous enthusiasm + of brain possessed the grounds underground," He, + so called Fat Boy, said + with awe. + + It has greatly increased speed and + political and with Bianca's filthy habits after + preaching to prepare + it has subjected the proletariat into their criticism + of all these attempts + Even before our intended abolition that + movement In Switzerland they called Wolfweres + + Sam: YOU CAN NOT DEFEAT THAT MACHINE + + known neighbors + lined the street corner + He heard it became another + this contact with themselves they destroy the towns + It has conducted expeditions that their new supply + + Of Harlan Ellison: he felt that there was + senseless phrases and equality + splattered on + their impending bourgeois prejudices behind + + And own mind + + Because, you understand, what they weren't trying desperately + to themselves had been dealing with the fuck off. + + it therefore search after him die + To which grew frustrated with their periodical return + kneeling at once walking down + this True Socialism sought to another If the + peasants constitute far more disgusting and incisive criticism + whose silly echo it the towns + measures proposed in education + with one traditional agony entirely but another damned circus + All of measures proposed in education + + allow you alone reading a state of varying + social conditions + this information chipmonkeagleibcedu + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #299 - WRITTEN BY V. ARTISTS - 12/3/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0300.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0300.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..20d60174 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0300.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2048 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #300 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Meet The Writers" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> The HOE Staff !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/3/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + As a special "get to know us" treatment for HOE #300, there were + 5 pre-determined questions sent to all 27 official HOE writers, hoping + to yeild interesting answers. The following are the results. + + In case you're wondering, the current 27 official writers are, + in no particular order: + + Ziego Vuantar, Mogel, Art, Quarex, Mutter, Styx, Teerts, + Altrocks, Swiss Pope, Trilobyte, Ramsey String, Squinky, + Kreid, Cstone, Snaf00, Nybar, Jook, Tasha, Cyn, Soybean, + Metal Chick, Anjee, AnonGirl, Seaya, Neko, Aster, and + Phairgirl. + + Incidentally... Metal Chick and Ramsey String never filled out + their interviews, so they're not included here. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Jook + ==== + + Name: Owen + 1st t-file: LEMON #3, "Art History" + 1st HOE issue: #165, "Can I be a Barber, Mom?" + Quote: "I don't want my pea soup cold while I'm preparing to visit the + almighty sun." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + Oh, I was a young lad, maybe around 14 or 15. I was a in 9th + grade, I had a modem, I set up a MACINTOSH BBS. How many of you can say + THAT? You think you're LEET? Well, YOU'RE NOT. My handle, JOOK, comes + from the KMFDM song JUKE JOINT JEZEBEL. Basically, I had no life after + Karmy Kays decided his football friends were better than me in ninth + grade, so I had to find SOMETHING to do, and computers were that thing. + The first "scene" I "tried" to be in was the ansi scene, but I really + sucked. Anyone remember Bedlam? I didn't think so. Then Murmur moved + to Bloomington-Normal, started calling my bbs (The Repented Gimcrackery) + and got me into zines like Pez, Hoe, Gasp, etc. + + (2) What do you like? + + I like making my neighbors mad at me. They don't like Sepultura + very much. I'm into Amber McCullough. She's my girlfriend, has been + for the last 3 1/2 years. I'm also into the musical talents of Blues + Traveler. I trade shows, stuff like that. Oh, I'm a professional + wrestler, too. Check out FUW -- coming to an arena near you! + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + I wish to get out of Bloomington-Normal again and move to the + northwest (Oregon, Washington) and smoke pot constantly. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + HOE is a bunch of worthless morons doing what they do best -- + being dumb. I guess I'm not actually talking about just HOE, but the + entire #zines community. Sometimes I think about how much talent there + is in this damn group of people and how much of it is going to waste, + myself included. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + I've always wanted to make out with Quarex. I just want to see + how far I can get my toungue down his throat. Soybean would be kind of + nice, but I think she would laugh too much. Styx seems to know a lot + about sex, so he might be fun. Art would complain too much during the + actually act, and I wouldn't like that very much. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Anjee + ===== + + Name: Angela + 1st t-file: HOE #280, "Should You Date The Devil?" + Quote: "I am basically rude to many people, not because I don't love + them; I call it 'tough love'." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + I first got started when I was introduced to the wonderful world + of AOL. This would be referred to the first time I experienced internet + chat. At that time, I found myself with a net boyfriend who quickly + dumped me when I thought GreenDay was a holiday. Then I had a real + internet connection where I started abusing the use of WS_IRC where + shortly after I switched to mIRC. Within time, I switched ISPs 3 times, + to better suit my IRC'ing habits. My 1st handle was Minny -- which + quickly changed to several variations of the nick Angela. All this + would be the cause why I'm almost 17 and have no life. + + PezMonkey indirectly introduced me to DTO, which soon led me to + h0e, where I discovered #zines. I thought it'd be fun to check it + out. :) + + (2) What do you like? + + I have a slight interest in computers, I know a few things about + them, and unlike many others -- can fix a computer without booting the + shit out of it. I can often be caught wasting time doing HTML and graphic + design. I'm not a pro, I do it for my own enjoyment. However, music is + my passion.. my life. I play 4 instruments and try to sing (it doesnt + always work though). I find oodles of pleasure in chatting with people + who aren't exactly what is referred to as 'normal' (then again, neither + am I.) The french expression for this would be "Se qui se ressemble, + s'assemble". + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + My goals are basically furthering my education (college & + university), studying in music and/or computers -- which will hopefully + lead to a career that I will _enjoy_. Hopefully. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + I have a secret obsession for HOE (no, not really). The cynical + and sarcastic views of several aspects of everyday life just makes me + feel a tad better, knowing that not only I think the world is full of + idiots. I love writing for it because it lets me explore the lengths of + my own creativity (or something). In other words; HOE is k-rad. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + CERTAINLY MOGEL! mogel is God.. I never scored with a God before + (neither have I ever had sex). His obvious sexyness and neato wit is a + major turn-on. :P~~ + + !!========================================================================!! + + Cyn + === + + Name: Cynthia + 1st t-file: HOE #260, "Why I Won't Be At Graduation" + Quote: "If you can't laugh at other people's pain, what can you laugh at?" + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + I'm involved in the computer underground? When did this happen? + Um, someone said, "Cyn, write something!" so I wrote something. And then + I wrote something that I certainly wasn't going to put on my website, + since I already get enough sick twisted email from people who want to do + weird things to me (my exgirlfriend, for one), so I was like, "Here! I + wrote you something." + + (2) What do you like? + + "Stuff". I like writing, I like reading, I like computers. I + like Oberlin College. I like my classes sometimes when I bother to go to + them, which hasn't happened much this week. I like all my friends. I + like making birthday cakes. I like sunshine and smog and I miss LA. I + think Al Gore is dreamy. I like Kools way more than I should. And of + course, I like all of you. + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + To be worshipped as a Goddess. I rilly want to get to somewhere + where I could make a living writing, but I'd be happy computer + programming for a living, too. (And probably richer.) I want a very big + ramshackle house with a lot of odd rooms somewhere in a city with public + transit. I'd also like to pull straight As this semester, but I doubt + that's going to happen. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + It is the diving board into the swimming pool of international + fame and fortune. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + Mogel. He's neato. And also, he's the only one I know besides + Soybean, and she doesn't like girlees. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Nybar + ===== + + Name: Steven + 1st t-file: POUPEY #1 + 1st HOE issue: #111, "The Rise of The Mogels, Part 2" + Quote: "To tell of Nybar's brilliant exploits would make wusses like + Homer and Virgil shudder." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + I was 12. Once at a day-camp I had overheard a discussion of + what to name our tribe, I proposed "nynthoid barbarians". The name has + stuck with nybar. I later found out that I was divinely inspired, as + you see, NYBARius is the god of eliteness, Nybar is my cat and I am a + lowly servant to both of them! Computers are nifty. The "computer + underground" is stupid, but people are stupid. Here I'm talking about + the people outside of the "underground". + +(2) What do you like? + + I think that the man that invented the asian school uniform is a + perverted genius. I'm not afraid that I'm wasting my life; it's + self-evident. Someday I hope to run for president, telling all the PC + lies they want me to, (They is the council of the Them, headed by + Col. Sanders, the god of lameness), and then expose my true rationality + to the world.. after I'm elected! HAhahaa.. can't impeach me for + speaking my mind, and I've got a 4 year fuckin' -- but I've said too + much. + I also like cats. + +(3) Do you have any goals? + + I hope I live forever in an opera of meaninglessness. I wish I + could read all the books I set out to. I listen to some music. I also + have a hidden vagina, it is where my naval is (this is a goal, but my + bubbling optimism is shining through). + +(4) What does HOE mean to you? + + Hoe is a pretty bad 'zine that's lasted too long. Also, in + space terms, the incomplete poupey 21 is larger. A hoe is a gardening + utensil. Um.. the other rooster said "doodle doodle cock". Er.. rakes, + um.. a rake is a guy.. with.. a big.. I like cabbage. This interview + is over. + +(5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + Damn.. those asshole jerkoffs? Mogel, I know that all of those + people are actors and "dummercon" is a sham.. you have a 300k a year + job, all of the profits of which go to feeding everyone the "hoe" lie. + + Anyway, I'm sure all of you sicko-rumour vulvas would like to see + me get with ass-terd but I must say... ANJEE IS THE + DUMBEST FUCKING ANTI INTELLECTUAL TWIT I'VE EVER-- er.. you see, I'm just + bubbling over with resentment towards these contrived idiots.. only a + mastermind, a true jewish evil genius like you could so dutifully + replicate that fecid idiocy of life in your sham 'zine! Not writing of + course, er.. the question... I'd like to "get close to" myself, so I'm + going to go to my favorite Jennifer Lopez site. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Soybean + ======= + + Name: Katie + 1st t-file: HOE #143, "Carmex Rocks My World" + Quote: "I like apple juice." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + about a year ago at the advising of a friend i (unfortunately) + repealed the anti-irc ammendment to my personal constitution and + joined #dto. and then everything got fucked up in assorted ways. its + all been peer pressure. even my actual handle, toasty, is the result of + a nickname bestowed on me by a friend. though i guess that's not really + pressure because it's based on a t-shirt i bought myself. actually my + mom bought it for me. + + (2) What do you like? + + i'm very fond of my boyfriend and of socks and apple juice and + pretty pretty songs and stories. + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + i'm going to college next year. not sure where yet though. and + i'm going to study lots of religious history as it is tasty. and then + i'll figure out what to do with that. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + cute pig jpgs. nothing more. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + ramsey string is a mad, mad hottie. + + !!========================================================================!! + + AnonGirl + ======== + + Name: Audrey + 1st t-file: HOE #282, "Public Transportation" + Quote: "If I wasn't devoted to Jack Daniels I think I'd marry Earl Grey." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + I started using computers when I was 6, but didn't really know + what I was doing until I was around 11.. I would mostly write lame-ass + poems and paint lame-ass pictures in Paintbrush.. then I became majorly + into the Montreal BBS scene around 1992, with my 2400 modem and Telix. + Then, in 1994, I got a 486/33,(which was obsolete even THEN) with 0.6 + megs of ram. I bought myself 8 megs for around $230 and connected to + the net, getting majorly addicted (you know, that new-found hobby shit + where you look up useless junk like TV shows and drugs on Yahoo! for + about three days straight). I could never really get into zines until + recently, when I heard about h0e.. so that's how it all started.. + + (2) What do you like? + + I like Coca Cola, cigarettes, VODKA (Smirnoff), drugs (yes I'm + burnt, but I'm not into heroin), Nacho Cheese Doritos, the Simpsons, + girls, boys, Marilyn Manson and The Little Prince. I have a SICK + obsession with film, and everything about film. And I *love* animals. + Cats and dogs especially. I like all sorts of music, particularly rock + and techno. I'm not fond of rap, but I can put up with it, as long as + it's not WU-TANG fucking CLAN. And country makes me cringe. + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + I did, once. I wanted to become a college film teacher, but I + don't think that's going to happen since I involuntarily fucked myself + over by quitting school. I plan on getting some kind of job that has no + direction whatsoever to pay my way through the remainder of my teen years + (only 1 1/2 years left dammit) and go to University when I'm 21 (hah, as + if). For the time being my goal is to enjoy myself and do what I want to + do, instead of being locked up in an institution until I'm 25. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + Even though I used to check out smaller zines a while back, I + didn't really find them worth reading until I stumbled upon HOE. The + articles are much more intriguing and full of character, unlike the past + e'zines I've checked out. The authors are awesome as well, each one being + entirely unique in every aspect. So yeah... HOE rocks. + +(5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + It's a tie between seaya and squinky. Although squinky can by + rather... edgy at times.. However, he's still on my To Do list. + + Sorry Mogel. :) + + !!========================================================================!! + + Altrocks + ======== + + Name: Jeff + 1st t-file: HOE #213, "The Poem Of Orality" + Quote: "And then you realize that there is a god; He's just dumb." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + Well, to start from the beginning, my dad was an electronice + freak his whole life, and as such I had a commodore 64 when I was only + 8. I learned line number BASIC on it, and that's where it started. + Until I was 13 I used school computers and learned DOS, Windows 3.11, + and how to hack around on a poorly secured LAN network... :) Then in + 1993 we got a packard bell system from Cicuit City. I learned about + BBS's in under a month, and called about 5 or 6 close to 20 times a day. + I wrote volumes of material on those boards, and was involved in an + argument with TWiG, who is now one of my good friends, about drugs for + well over a year. He was anti-, I was pro-... :) + + About late 1994 I got internet access and started surfing the + web. I was on IRC alot, almost all the time in fact, and spent alot of + my time idling in front of the computer screen till all hours. I would + chat alot, and wrote even more. Last year, about this time I started + writing rants (http://www.op.net/~altrocks/oldrants.htm), little poems + and ravings to release myself. A litte later I stumbled upon DTO and + HOE. I wrote a few things, and became and official HOE writer (I even + got a little bronze badge to prove it.. Mogel e-mailed it to me along + with an invitation to a hotel room in Philly... :), and well, here I am + now. NEXT! + + (2) What do you like? + + Ummm... I like girls, pizza, beer, parties, friends,_lots + stuff... I don't really like to DO anything except pope`in (POP - in), + which is just hanging out at this little pavilion in the park next to + school, after school, and doing shit on my computer (I program a bit, I + talk on IRC ALOT, and I try to always be connected thru AIM and ICQ). + Other than that, I'd LIKE to get the hell outta here, and get to + college... I was made for college. Trust me. :P + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + I wanna take over the world. I eman I know it's shooting a litle + high, but at least this way I'm constantly stiving to be better than I + am. :) I'd like to have total control over the minds of mortals, and + with but a single thought have an entire army of people ready to fight. + + If that falls thru, I'd just like to do something with the + sciences, or maybe even be a teacher... I've always enjoyed physics, + particle physics especially, and Math... + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + Hoe (HO) n. -- A Bich, slut, whore, prostitute or angst-filled writer + under lock and key in venezula.... + + No, but seriously... I think HOE is a group of generally evil + people, with a few exceptions, I being the most evil of all of you. >:) + Just ask mogel ====> http://www.op.net/~altrocks/denise.html ... (inside + joke.) + + It's a good chance for pople of higher intelligence to write + about things, and generally express their views of a fucked up world + that needs a good bitch slapping. I really think if the majority of + people on earth would read, listen to, and understand half of what we + write, the worlsd on a whole would be Utopian, or at least bareable. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + Well, I don't really know any of you all that well, and seeing + that I have met none of you in person, I can't really say, but I think + a nice big orgy with all of us getting some serious bisexual hardcore + action would be ideal. :) + + Or at least we should have somethin comparable to Dummercon. :) + For all you that remember that... :) I never got to go, but damnit, I + want to have a nice big get together... maybe near/in Philly? + + But, I would like to meet the one that calls herself Toasty... + She looks quite agreeable, and sounds quite interesting... :)~~ + + Alright, that's the me I want to show people, so let's see those + other questionaires rollin' in! + + !!========================================================================!! + + Kreid + ===== + + Name: Dave + 1st t-file: Y0LK #1, "The Other White Meat" + 1st HOE issue: #99, "A REAL Bush Fan" + Quote: "You're so fucking stupid!!!" + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + That's a long story! I started calling warez (that's SOFTWARE + PIRACY!) bbs's in my area when I was 12 years old, then that evolved + into ansi art-oriented bbs's in a few years, and then that turned into + irc when that became the popular place-to-be. For a long time in my + "computer underground" career I wrote poems and drew ascii art for + ansi/art groups, but then I decided that was stupid and I started + writing y0lk e-zine in 1995 after i read some h0e and gasp files & + liking them (almost). As you all know, y0lk grew to become the + greatest e-zine in the history of e-zines, but after 100 issues I got + kinda tired of that business and I started becoming a full-time writer + for dto, until dto quite pathetically fell to its death. + + Nowadays, I write a lot of stuff that never gets published + (www.gti.net/goat/kreidkomp.html), and I write for h0e, even though the + rest of the h0e writers are complete idiots. + + (2) What do you like? + + I like being a lazy piece of shit, being with my girlfriend + (awwww), being completely entranced by large quantities of controlled + substances, and being chased by policemen. I also like reading books by + Irvine Welsh, Anthony Burgess, Hunter S. Thompson, and Charles Bukowski. + I like a lot of other things, too, but I hate writing long lists of + things nobody's interested in, so I'll stop. That was a stupid question + anyway. + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + I want to be a writer/painter, for real, serious-like. Money is + not an important thing for me, so success is not part of that goal. I + just want to make good art until my creativity runs dry. Then, my second + goal: going out in a blaze of infamy in a giant explosion in the middle + of the Lincoln Tunnel. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + It's a really terrible 'zine and all the writers suck. But mogel + is a good guy, and there are no other real 'zines out there, so it's the + one I'm (sorta) writing for right now. It's quite pathetic, though, + that theonly active 'zine in our little computer underground "scene" is + so terribly unreadable. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + Mogel, of course. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Cstone + ====== + + Name: Brandon + 1st t-file: BAH #4, "Public Access UNIX Hacking!" + 1st HOE issue: #90, "The Disease" + Quote: "I don't have any quotes!" + + Hi. You know, I originally intended to just pipe this through + Eliza or Dr. Sbaitso or something and send you the responses, but I + couldn't find something that I wanted to work on, so I filled it out. + Don't be disappointed though -- I didn't do much better than Dr. Sbaitso + would have. + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + This sounds like a question a FED would ask. Mogel is a FED. + KILL THE FEDS. DIE. + + (2) What do you like? + + Hmm. Reading for eleven or twelve hours undisturbed; going to + sleep soon after the sun rises; trying to understand the subliminal + catalysts that keep the most normal, insignificant nuances of modern + society in motion; sleeping (but not waking up; I hate waking up); + following the birth, embracement, application, and the slow (but + intentional) subversion of logic; eating plain Butter Croissants from + the Vie de France inside Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, IL; and listening + to any music with emotional, artistic expression or originality. + + But not always in that order... + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + No. I avoid setting goals. I'm internally too volatile to set + goals that would reliably coincide with my future desires. I have about + twenty computer-related projects and a dozen or so non-computer-related + endeavors that I work on. And I'm starting/stopping them constantly. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + To me, "what does x mean to you"-type of questions are really + leery, so I'll just ignore the literal value of that question entirely. + HOE is one of the last remaining e-zines claiming (and deserving) + relation to the mythical institution that is (was) the computer + underground. What that means is totally up for debate, and I don't feel + like ranting about what I feel that the "computer underground" really is. + So now I've totally evaded the question and pushed a meaningless answer + in front of you. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + Do I lose points if I leave this blank? I have no answer, silly + or serious. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Mutter + ====== + + Name: Chris + 1st t-file: Y0LK #62, "y0lk Test Pattern" + 1st HOE issue: #276, "Librarian Phone Sex" + Quote: "Life's like that." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + How? WaR3z wArEzz W4r3Z!@$&&#*!@$@ How else?! + + No. Seriously. I found a modem and a list of numbers and found + some really cool BBS's (remember BBS's -- they were like the internet + but with less emphasis on point-and-click multimedia and porn. Okay, + well, less emphasis on multimedia at least.) I fell into some scenes as + a result. Eventually, I also started reading ezines regularly (as well + as print zines). My love of writing that's so bad (or different) that + it's good (kinda like mentos commercials, although not really) led me + to submit to that chaotic ezine project, y0lk. I wrote for some other, + less mentionable zines and eventually started my own print project (root + zine) which is still continuing today. + + (2) What do you like? + + I LIKE BUTTS!! HAHAAH!#@!! + + Okay... non-computer related hobbies... ummm.. uhh. hmmm, I + know I have some. Oh yeah, playing the electric guitar. and...uhhm. + long walks on the beach... and... + + Next Question! + + No, I tend to like my music (since I have no tv or radio + reception) -- my current musical interests include: Led Zeppelin, + 2 Skinnee J's, Company Flow, RaTM, Less than Jake... + + Oh, yeah. I met Spike Lee the other day. I liked that. (damnit, + I'm too tired to pretend to be interesting.) + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + Goals? Goals are for those who always look to the future and in + the process consistantly miss the value of the present. I like to live + in -- and enjoy -- the present. (translation: No.) + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + ummm... one who performs sexual favors for money. + + (was that dumb enough?) + + I write for HOE for one reason and one reason only... It looks + good on a college application. + + (how about that?) + +(5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + Umm... well. I'm not _that_ into the scene that I actually know + anything about the chicks de la h0e. Ummm. I guess I should pick + someone... how about... Phairgirl!# + + How about it, Phairgirl? + uh huh. yeah. I hear dat. + Why don't you ever call me anymore? + biotch! say what? I here dat, nigga. I know what you mean. + no diggity? no it ain't like dat, me and her were only huging . . . + I swear to god I didn't know she was your mom . . . + I'm sorry. what? + well fuck you! I never want to see you again! + baby, I'm sorry, you know how I get when I'm hungry. + let's never fight again. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Art + === + + Name: Art + 1st t-file: HOE #153, "Missing The Boat" + Quote: "IT'S NOTHING WE ALL HAVEN'T HEARD BEFORE." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + I got involved with crap like dto and hoe about 4 years ago. My + interest was piqued after reading a couple issues of dto I discovered on + a local bbs in 815, put there by murmur and various others including + trilobyte and neko. + + (2) What do you like? + + I read a lot. It's not good stuff, either, I read crap. I've been + reading fantasy/sci-fi books (Dragonlance, Forgotten Realms) since I was + ten. I can juggle 3 balls, and 2 synchronously in each hand. Yeah. + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + My main goal is to get a job, and it doesn't really matter all + that much where I work. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + what other zine is there to read? + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + Heh. Seaya. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Aster + ===== + + Name: Becky + 1st t-file: SOE #29, "Hay is for Hroses" + 1st HOE issue: #168, "Bots Are Evil" + Quote: "Too many big, scary words." + + Aster was previously interviewed in HOE #206. Please refer to that issue, + if you feel like torturing yourself. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Neko + ==== + + Name: John + 1st t-file: Shadow Lurking #1, "The K-Mart That Didn't Fit In" + 1st HOE issue: #83, "Children of The Tube" + Quote: "Pass the vodka.... BLEEECHH!!@#" + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + Back in 1993 when I was 13 I started calling BBS'. I was a 2400 + Baud modem warrior and I think this contributed heavily to my interest + in textfiles. I didn't feel like spending an hour downloading some game + that would run slow as shit on my 386/16, so I didn't. Then I saw these + files called "Cult of the Dead Cow" and shit like that. And I just + started downloading them all. + + (2) What do you like? + + I like music. I'm into lots of music, and as my hoe bio says, I + guess I'm the HoE expert on puncrock. Whatever that means. I like my + girlfriend lots too, but she probably won't read this so oh well. + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + I want to open a bowling alley in Moscow. + + No, I'm not joking. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + I WRITE FOR HOE BECAUSE ZIEGO HAS A BIG GUN AGHSAFJJHFS + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + Well, I don't believe that Aster exists, so she's a no from the + get-go. Everyone will say Metal Chick, so I won't. Trilobyte sent me a + jpeg of some chick who hung out on #zines named L0rig or something. She + was attractive. But she's not on the list. SO. I will say Anongirl. + Even if she has a Marilyn Manson quote on her web page. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Phairgirl + ========= + + Name: Summer + 1st t-file: SPS #1, "My ANGST Post" + 1st HOE issue: #277, "Drunk at 3AM" + Quote: "If my life is this pointless, I'm glad I've been able to + subject someone else to the carnage." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + I got involved in the computer underground by force. I didn't + want to. I am deathly afraid of 'leet people, because they are a lot + cooler than me and I just end up looking stupid no matter what. I was + better off sitting in my under-20 webchats or on AOL, safe as can be. + + I first got online in '92, AOL on my best friend's brand new + Macintosh. Yummy. And it was SOOOO COOOL. + + I became phairgirl not long afterwards. It took me a long, long + time to think of something that would suit me well. I thought, well, I + love Liz Phair, and I'm a girl. Bang, it's a girl! + + Now that I have been sucked into the remanants of the computer + underground, I have realized a number of things. I am not a bitch + compared to these people. I am a nice flowerly lovely violet person. I + have never "haxored" anything. And I'll be damned if I even know what + that means. I realized that I can write really stupid t-files and + people will think I'm cool... although Nybar and Eerie will never, ever + think I am cool. + + It is cool that people do not like me. I feel accepted. + + Oh yeah, and this computer underground thing is MUCH better than + driving 1300 miles to get laid by some 16 year old that I met in a seedy + chat room. Everyone on the scene is so much closer to me! I'll only have + to drive 84 miles, minimum. + + (2) What do you like? + + I like everything. EVERYTHING. + + I love music... Liz Phair, Dream Theater, Bjork, Garbage, Led + Zeppelin, Shudder To Think, Beck, Pink Floyd, Depeche Mode, Korn, Poe, + that dog, all kinds of stuff. + + I like a few movies... Natural Born Killers, Fargo, Clerks, + The Big Hit, Niagara Niagara, Clockwork Orange, One Flew Over the + Cuckoo's Nest, ummm, a bunch more but I'm really tired and can't think. + + I also like... ummm... faeries, anime, sweet potatoes, lily of + the valleys, red teletubbies that say "faggot", people on ICQ telling me + they want to tease my nipples, sandals, my 4 cats, purple things, kevin + nash (ooooh baby), power puff girls, cracking shareware, spending money + on stupid things, screaming REALLY LOUD, making fudge, singing, writing + to old has-been hair bands, kicking ass, ummm, I don't know, lots of + stuff. Refried beans, surround sound, subwoofers, sailor moon, space + ghost, oh man I can't think of anything else. UGH. Why won't my brain + work? I hate it when this happens. Goddamn it. + + Since I can think of nothing else, I will fill this space with + senseless nothingness. + + apoweijfaopwjcmaowpdjfcapowefajewordfhaeworjfapeworfjaweojrfa + wefolawjfedoajewcponawp;erohfapwoeryfhaworehfaworehfa + awfoejawporeifajworheafvodncvlskdvncoisdchlva;sldknf;oaiwejfao;wleijf + awdlfjawpodihfapwofhawpordhfapowrhdfapowhidfawohifawpodfjoapweiv + wdljfpahoewidhvpowerujhfaiwannaluvyababyopewrhfapoewrhgaewruh + voawerjfnopaeruhfapoirhgvejrkngerjghesproiuhgeoriuhgapoeiugteaong + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + My first and foremost goal is to finish this fucking interview. + Cuz I have a really hard time finishing things once I start them. + However, I'm not sure I will, because I don't normally set goals for + myself, since it is pointless because I never bother with them anyway. + Goals suck. + + Metaphysically, my goal would be to be really FUCKING FAMOUS so + that I could be the leet one and everyone else would SUCK and be BELOW ME + and I would KICK ASS and I would win the lottery and get a T3 and give + all the COOL people access to it but not the people who MAKE FUN OF ME + because I suck. SO THERE. Stop being mean to me, or when I win the + lottery, you won't get a cut of the pickins. That's something to think + about. + + Anyway, back to being famous. I want to follow the Jewel Method + To Fame. See, I already come from a backwoods hicklike place like she + did. I have a really unique voice like hers. All I need is for someone + to discover me and to cut an album. Then I'll make a video in a + bathroom, and later one with me slinking out of a tight dress. Then I'll + write a book, but it won't be poetry, oh no. I'LL PUBLISH HOE!!! I'll + steal it away from Mogel and/or Ziego and make it MINE. Ha. + + Of course though, I'd screw up somewhere and end up somewhere in + the Madonna Method To Fame, where my book ends up being like her Sex + book, and people start to think I'm nothing but a dirty little girl and + I'll be banished to hell by every religious figure in the world. Then + I'd find myself in the Selena Method To Fame, as by then I'd have a + crazy fan (probably a couple of those Montreal girls) who would kill me. + Man, that's gonna suck. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + h0e means the world to me. I don't know why. I e-mail my + friends letting them know when the newest edition comes out. Everyone + where I work has at least read it once now. I check the site every day, + waiting for it to enrich my life. My h0e shrine sits to the right of my + monitor, where I pray to the h0e god Mogel every day, hoping he will + somehow hear my pleas and release the next issue. I go through h0e + withdrawls when I work for long periods of time, nearly crashing my car + every night until I can browse those glorious pink piggy pages and gaze + longingly at the tintillating t-files. + + Without h0e, I will die. We will all die. Existence will be + pointless without it. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + DAMN there aren't many girls, are there. We're slim pickins. + + I've previously said that I will have sex with everyone. This + offer still stands, as I have nothing better to do. Quarex has managed + to see me half-naked, however, so he'll probably get a piece first. + Lucky him. + + Mogel, did you include this question just so you can watch + endless women drool all over you? HA. You're the only one I WON'T + sleep with, then. You have to sit outside and read Better Homes and + Gardens. Brush and floss. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Snaf00 + ====== + + Name: Michael + 1st t-file: HOE #285, "Sellin' Smack On Da Street Ain't No Treat, Unless + Yo' Leet Like Mah Parakeet!" + Quote: "On days like today, you'll find me wishing I had more things to + beat up." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + it was a cold november day back in 19-awt-9 my pappy was in his + gold mine when aliens came and transported him up on to der flying pie + plate and when he came back down he warz holdin' one o dem com-pute-rs + so the first thing I did was type "edit schlsuck.txt" and that was my + very first t-file. + + (2) What do you like? + + I like long walks on the beach, interesting people. money, drugs + and sex. + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + I only have one. I wish to one day harness the power of office + furniture. Really, it is time that the oppressed office furniture of + the world pulled itself from underneath the smelly fat behind of + overweight execs and proclaimed its freedom!!! Besides with no chairs + or desks I would probably be able to get a nice vacation until + corporate America brings order back to the office-place by once again + enslaving the furniture within cubicle walls. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + HOE means nothing to me. Really. I could say: + + "HOE is the best experiment in eclectic writing ever attempted" + + Or: + + "Mogel is a genius, and he is so darn sexy." + + But you know what? I can't say any of that and still be able + to survive the rest of the day without slitting my wrists. I hope you + understand. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + Quarex: because REALLY HUGE HAIR turns me on. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Tasha + ===== + + Name: Natasha + 1st t-file: HOE #281, "Suicidal Tendencies" + Quote: "I NEED MORPHINE." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + First of all, I am not completely sure what the "computer + underground" is, and as far as e'zines go, I pretty much only write for + h0e, and every e'zine Angie starts, which has been like 50. It got + started when Angie became obsessed with my writing and then began + converting it to html and putting it on every available webspace... + then she sent it to mogel. Boom. The End. + +(2) What do you like? + + I like music...listening to music, that is. I don't have much + musical talent, I've been playing piano since I was 7, though, but I'm + not very good. I like reading poetry by all the greats. No, not like + Poe. I mean, Ferlinghetti, and Kaufman. Well, those are my two + favourites. I also like writing. (go figure) :) + +(3) Do you have any goals? + + Well, when I was like 4 I wanted to be a cheerleader, but not + anymore. For awhile I wanted to be a neurologist, and study at the + University of Kentucky (Because my uncle said he'd pay for me). Now, + though, I want to be an english teacher, like my mentor, Mr. Rowland. + I also want to help someone, like maybe kids or teenagers, or even + adults, but that's because I promised my best friend's mom I would, since + she helped me, but that's another story. + +(4) What does HOE mean to you? + + Hoe means Angie saying "doodle-quack," and me complaining that I + can't write. Yep, that's about it. Oh, yeah, and something about a + revolution. + +(5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + Uhm, probably like everyone, 'cause I'm one horny chick. I'm + thinking a big h0e orgy, hell yeah! Okay, seriously, *HM* Angie? Mogel? + Maybe? Cstone? 'Cause I like that one thing he wrote? I dunno. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Teerts + ====== + + Name: Carlos + 1st t-file: HOE #239, "Translating for The Army in Deutschland" + Quote: "Ehh, fuck you." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + this is the underground?!?! shite...nobody had told me! + + i started fooling around on bulletin boards at the age of 13 + i think...using a 386sx 16 w/8megs ram. it was a good machine for its + time :-) bulletin boards led to the inevitable, sometimes they got me + thinking...i wrote silly anarchy-related texts and what not...and + eventually stopped calling boards because i had become too much of an + irc junkie...gods forbid i should step out of my house eh? as for + e'zines....uhm, i dunno i got turned onto dto because i was fooling + around on my old isp's shell and noticed an account named dto. i did a + finger and found the user was 'named' doomed to obscurity...that led me + to www.dto.net...blahblahblah...i had been reading it for a while... + eventually i sent something in for dto i think but it ended up in h0e... + i cant really remember :-) + + (2) What do you like? + + i like stuff. reading books, especially the gunslinger/dark + tower series by stephen king....uhm, post-apocalypse stories are always + good...sitting around doing nothing is what life is all about...well not + really...but yeah... as a general rule, i dont like people. individuals + are fine though :-) + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + yes, main goal is to work on nanotechnology's biomedical and + manufacturing applications...it will take too much schooling :-/ + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + actually hoe comes from an old south american vigilante group + named harlots of ecuador. these fierce tarts helped the ecuadorian + people acheive justice and also made prostitution legal. + + blah, i dunno. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + other!?!? does that mean i dont count? damn...to kinda quote + someone i know, 'i know the palm of my hand like...the back of my hand.' + (i would have said Mutter when he used to be a spray bottle, but now that + he sold out and appeared in that silly hackers movie, i've lost interest.) + + "i sit here all alone with a martini built for two...i sit here + all alone cuz i got nothing better to do...i sit here all alone with a + martini built for two...i sit here all alone well i showed up but where + are you?" + + !!========================================================================!! + + Trilobyte + ========= + + Name: Tim + 1st t-file: DTO #13, "You Can't Be Too Careful These Days!" + 1st HOE issue: #101, "Group Therapy" + Quote: "Poor people bring their their kids to Rock Cut State Park's + only lake, and they poop in it." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + I got my first computer for Christmas in 1992. I was, at the + time, a confused youth in the 7th grade. I saw Neko's 386 and the neat + Prodigy software he had for it so I begged my parents to let me buy + Neko's spare 2400 baud modem so I could use Prodigy. Once I got it, I + would spend a bit of time on Prodigy every week. I joined message + groups relating to video games and became quite a citizen of the whole + scene. (Random elite reference: Hawkeye's Bar and Grill). A bit later + Neko gave me the numbers to some local BBSes and I was intrigued. They + seemed so mystical and fantastic. + + I began to show my immaturity on the local Rockford Echo on + Fidonet, and subsequently became banned from a few BBSes. But I kept on + keeping on. I played TradeWars, uploaded and downloaded like a madman + (once I got my 14.4k) and eventually found myself on a few "elite" + boards in town. I also regained access on the boards I was banned from, + but they sucked anyway. + + I helped setup a number of Renegade boards in town (previously + everything was RemoteAccess). I obsessed over BBS software. I had + source code and/or binaries for nearly every BBS software ever. I + became cosysop of the most elite of elite boards in town, Cell Block 4. + The sysop wanted to start a warez couriering group called DoPE, and I + made a little ansi logo for them. Then he decided there should be an + ANSI division of DoPE. So we released a few packs and then merged with + another little group to form iDENTiTY. People from all over were + applying to CB4 and trying to get into DoPE. Small shitty local ansi + groups popped up to try to mock us. Little lamers thought they could + match the superior quality of CB4 and tried to setup ELiTE MajorBBS + boards. A guy who went by "Superfly" logged on to the board and sent + the sysop some of his ansis. They were really original and showed a + knack. We let him into DoPE. Now he's incredibly famous, because + after iDENTiTY disbanded the better artists (...Superfly) left and + joined CiA. + + Eventually CB4 went down or I stopped calling or something. + That had been a fun time of ansi, warez, and calling cards. + + Meanwhile, Neko was into t-files. I didn't have the time to + read them very much because I was too busy calling boards, but I knew + the names of cDc and pEz and the such. I started hanging out in #zines + when I was on the internet because Neko might be there. And I knew + Murmur. I read dto after it started out, and then I think I wrote some + things for it, and some things got in and other things went into h0e. + + All through that time I was trilobyte. I started out on Prodigy + as Kabakiet, then went to Mr.GreenJeans for TradeWars, then Trilobyte + for everything. I don't know if I got it from the company that made The + 7th Guest, or if I just thought it up. It's not incredible by any means + and it has little personal significance for me except that for as long as + I can remember I have liked the little fossilized creatures. + + (2) What do you like? + + I like all sorts of music. My favorite groups would be + Kraftwerk, Meat Beat Manifesto, Luke Vibert / Plug / Wagon Christ, + Capsize 7, Dead Kennedys, and various Matador bands like Spoon and JSBX. + I could probably also list Devo, Cabaret Voltaire, and Blancmange. + + I like all sorts of computers. I have a representative of almost + all consumer oriented computers. Looking around now, since I'm at home + rather than in my dorm room at UIUC, I have TI99/4a with speech synth, + TRS-80 CoCo2, Atari 800xl, Atari 800XEgs, many Commodore 64s, Commodore + 128, Commodore 128D, an Amiga 500, 2 Amiga 2000's, Atari ST (1040STe) + (which I'm using to type this now), 486DX2/66, IBM PS/2 Model 80 386/16, + Packard Bell "Legend" 386, Tandy Micro-Computer (like a Spectrum). And a + Mattel Aquarius. + + I've been into video games since 3rd grade when I got my Nintendo. + Then I got a Lynx, then I got an Atari 2600. Since then I've also + acquired a Sega Genesis, 32X, Sega CD, Sega Master System, Sega Game + Gear, Nintendo Game Boy, Super Nintendo, TurboGrafx 16, ColecoVision, + Mattel Intellivision, Atari 7800, Atari Video Pinball, Magnavox Odyssey, + Odyssey^2, Odyssey 200, Atari Jaguar, and there's probably something I'm + missing. I've also got loads of cartridges for all those. Oh yeah, + Sega Saturn. + + I like girls. I let matters of the heart sway me around too much. + + I like writing. Don't know why. + + I like putting things off until the last minute, I like avoiding + all responsibility for my future, I like driving around with no + particular place to go, I like spending money until I wonder where it + all went. + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + One of my major goals is to find the perfect mate and settle down + with them. That takes precedence over all other goals. I would drop + everything for the ultimate girl if necessary. (One could argue, then, + of course, that she's not the ultimate girl. I could argue back, then, + of course, that if I'm willing to do it, it isn't a drawback). + + Another major goal, and one that is related, is to have + substantial enough means to support a healthy family and my wife. A + well-established method of reaching such a position is to study well in + school and get a good job. + + That brings me to a more current goal -- figure out why I'm + floundering and get the hell out from under the water. + + I want to learn from life and be as good a person as possible + without crossing any stupid lines. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + h0e, literally, is an extension of my left testicle. In my quest + for a larger mass of density to fill my Jansport-sized scrotum, h0e + shone through the wilderness like a glowing can of red beans. I + followed the shine and met the fiasco with open pants, ready to accept + life's new challenges and ecaculate dumb t-files about them, knowing + that there was one fruit left on this bleak planet with open enough + standards to be accepting of such fiction. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + Perhaps with quick movement and swift wit, I will be able to ram + my enormous cock up Ziego Vunatar's poop chute. He will be enamoured + with love and lust, and will greet the world around him with eyes and + arms full of laughter and licorice. + + With the possibility of such an enlightened ruthless dictator, + we, the h0e community, may be encouraged to hold countless gala disco + orgies, whereby allowing us to become a massive necklace of true + unfettered emotion. Love, ya'll. Dat's da shit. + + & I'd like to see Metalchic & Art get it on. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Seaya + ===== + + Name: Leah + 1st t-file: HOE #278, "Smart Bomb" + Quote: "Matt says I'm crazy, but I wasn't until everyone kept saying + aardvark to me for no reason and wouldn't tell me why..." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + I got involved on the internet at age 16. i was madly in love + with a net chickie that I still talk to (although we didn't for four + years). later I got into bbs's, then majornet bbs's. One of which was + the infamous Gamepower, where I met Mogel and saw the beginnings of + dummercon and dto unfold. I haven't written until recently though. + + My first handle was Spirit after the woman on Wing Commander + who commits suicide at the same time as destroying the base where her + lover is held so as to save the information he holds from reaching the + enemy. An honourable death. She looks like an anime character. I feel + as if I am a spirit sometimes, drifting in and out but never taking + root. Later I was (shortly) Earth Spirit, seaya (on irc and now I guess + on zines), and parappa (kick punch!). I hang on irc on #zines, + #2515049, #fuck#sigh, #stereolab, and others depending on my mood or + ban kick status. + + Yes, it is healthy. It didn't use to be, but computers are in + my life to stay and I've found a way to keep the angsty weirdness in + check and help to create a little microcosm of dto culture. Brilliant. + 251! + + (2) What do you like? + + My favorite band is stereolab. I've seen them live more in + Britain than the states. + + I like indie music, and some hip hop, some dance stuff, some + experimental, some jazz, some country even (old old stuff like patsy + cline), 80's chick rockers, friends' bands, anything that moves me and + is original and expressive. + + I like anime and old anime-esque cartoons, such as Cities of + Gold and Spartakus. + + I am into rpgs like ad&d and things of that nature, but not ones + that involve an apocalyptic earth. Yuck. + + I was in Scotland for a year and met some friends there. I had + a friend pass away in August who I miss very much. I like people who + notice things, people who cannot be labelled, people who are loving and + community oriented. + + I like watching TV with Amit and looking at chicks with him and + Jim. + + eYe ph34r m0geL#!@@!#!#@@!#!!! + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + I want to be happy. I want a career that involves computers and + reflecting on popular culture and the world today. Online journalism + would fit this if I could get in there, or a City Paper. I would also + like to look how I want and be myself at the same time. I will not rest + until both are possible. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + h0e means home. h0e is my people my community of wacky e'zine + folk. h0e is real but not real. h0e is life. h0e is fUn. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + Soybean! It'd be fUn. + + I'd get kissy face with art though as well! + + !!========================================================================!! + + Swiss Pope + ========== + + Name: Phil + 1st t-file: GRILL #1, "Procrastination" + 1st HOE issue: #122, "How to Get Chicks: The FAQ!" + Quote: "God gave us earlobes so they will be implemented in a future + version." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + I come from the 309 area code, so I wasn't used to calling chat + boards or el33t CCinet art boardz or other such BBSs that propagated the + existence of the computer underground. I was used to calling BBSs run by + farmers running Wildcat! or TBBS who had large archives of ham radio, + model rocketry, and astronomy-related files. Needless to say, this type + of an online environment breeds regimes of God-fearing, anti-piracy, and + anti-profanity SysOps. They formed an organization known as the BNASG + (The Bloomington Normal Area SysOps' Group) that dominated the 3o9 BBS + scene. If you were under age 18 and running a BBS, they would do their + best to deny your presence from their BBS lists. So, at age 13, I + registered the WWIV BBS software so I could do my own source code + modifications for my friends' BBSs (whose parents were wealthy enough to + buy them their own phone lines). A small number of BBSs run by + free thinking individuals cropped up and a local culture of + 'underground' BBS geeks emerged. From them, and from doing my own + exploration by calling random Chicago 'underground' BBSs, such as RipCo, + I learned about popular zines. I would print out cDc issues and other + anarchy tfiles and bring them to school. Teachers would confiscated them, + and one assistant principal told me that I should use my computer for + good, not evil. H/P/A/V/C t-files were rad, especially when I was able to + build something that actually worked. But thought ELiTE du0ds were pretty + stupid. To this day I still don't understand what's so elite about lower + case i's. + + So then when I was 14, I discovered the internet and used telnet + BBSs (Endless Forest, Quartz) and MUCKs extensively. When I started + using IRC, Quarex and I got involved with the trax scene. My obsession + with demos established my belief that demo coders and musicians are a + million times more talented than hax0rz could ever be. It's too bad they + don't get nearly as much attention. Around my junior or senior year in + high school, I met Murmur and Shadow Tao who introduced the zines scene + to me. I thought everyone in #zines was an idiot because they took their + precious e-zine dTo so seriously. I have lightened up since then because + everyone has pipe dreams. It's ironic, though, because when Quarex and I + started our first e-zine, Grill, it was originally a half assed jump on + the 'hey mongle im starting a zine' bandwagon. But we discovered we + could write some really funny stuff and have a lot of fun in the process. + + (2) What do you like? + + I like computers, music, movies, the outdoors, and funny people + with distinct personalities. I like my friends. I like doing new + things and going new places. I like having bouts of insanity. I like + sleeping. The list goes on and on and on. + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + Sure. To actually one day be able to actualize the crazy ideas + that I have-- to be able to stick with an idea and create something + really amazing. But right now I'm just a slacker. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + After the rise and fall of e-zines that take themselves too + seriously, introducing such concepts of 'an elaborate web interface' + and 'quality control', it's refreshing to see an e-zine that returns to + its roots: writing for yourself and your friends or subculture instead + of for the man. FUCK THE MAN. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + It would be AnonGirl but I heard that Canadian chicks have a + vagina dentata. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Styx + ==== + + Name: Matt + 1st t-file: DTO #6, "Sunday Morning (Gas Station Blues)" + 1st HOE: #96, "Midnight Munchies, Valium, Take a Shower You Dirty Fuck" + Quote: "Fuck you, hooker." + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + During the winter of 1990, I played D&D for the first, and only, + time. The campaign lasted about a week and my character's name was + Styx, named after the mythological river. + + In late '91, when I was 14, I was over my friend's house from + school and he showed me BBSs. Crazy ones. Warez. Anarchy t-files. The + whole bit. No e'zines, though. He also showed me a DDial. I was + intrigued. Real-time chat. Holy cow. (Interestingly enough, 5 years + later he'd go on to put out the short lived e'zine HAPPY, inspired by + none other than h0e - he was El Jefe.) + + In March of '92, when I turned 15, I got a modem for my birthday. + I had an Amiga 500, and the modem was a 1200 baud dinosaur. I think it + cost 25 bucks or something. I was "Lord Styx." Ominous, I know. I + eventually became a sysop of all three local DDials in the Philadelphia + area. Some might say that's pathetic. Some might say it's "elite." I + say it was circumstance. + + It was on those DDials that I met who most of you know as Evol and + Thal, including many other people who you thankfully and hopefully do + not, or ever will, know. Evol was actually the very first person I ever + met in person from the computer, which was in April of '92. After a good + two and a half years, she found her way to a local MajorBBS and left the + DDial scene completely, but we still kept in touch. Thal soon followed. + I wasn't paying much attention, so I still sat around on those DDials. + By this point, Evol and I had become really good friends. + + In February of '95, Evol came over to my house with a bunch of + people, including Black Francis. I had no idea who he was. At the time, + he was running Goat Blowers Anonymous. I didn't know that. I hadn't + even heard of it. I found out later. At the time, he was just a random + goober with a baseball cap sitting in my room looking glum. + + Around April of '95, Evol again came over my house with a bunch of + people. Whisper was driving. I can't remember if Mogel was there or + not. My memory is skewed because I was doing heavy drugs back then. The + only person I knew was Evol. Coincidentally enough, we were all going + to see Seaya perform in her high school play, "The Pajama Game." Whisper + and I hit it off really well that night, as I recall, and we ended up + doing drugs together and talking for like 2 hours in the parking lot + while Evol and the others were watching the play. He mentioned that he + was a sysop from the MajorBBS that they all called. I promised I'd call + the board to get in touch with him. + + I think it was June of '95 when I finally began calling the + MajorBBS. That's where I ran into Mogel, Black Francis (who I then found + out I already knew), Dead Cheese, Seaya, Spiff, Kaia, Mooer, Oodles, and + any other possible Philly-related scene person you could think of. Evol + had told me that Mogel "wrote seriously." That caught my interest, but it + was passive. At the risk of sounding pretentious or overly self-aware, + my life was a bit of a tornado at that time and nothing moved me much. + He asked me to write, but I didn't take him or the idea seriously. + + Around July of '95, Evol came over my house with about 6 people in + tow. I remember some of them. Nymph and Blueeyes were there. I think + Whisper was, too. So was Mogel. Mogel was the only guy who didn't ask + me any stupid questions about my iguana, so I took an immediate liking to + him. Again, I *think* this was the first time I met him, although he + might've been at Seaya's play. + + After a few encounters with Mogel in the MajorBBS chat room, he + asked me to write for his e'zine. I don't remember if it was h0e or DTO; + nonetheless, he asked me to write. I did. It was a piece called + "Notebook Ramblings" or something equally retarded. The piece revolved + around analogies to silly putty, or something. I don't have it anymore. + I wrote it on my Commodore 64. It's somewhere in my closet. Obviously, + the thing didn't get used because it was ridiculous. But I didn't really + try, either. Mogel might even still have it somewhere on his hard drive. + + Around August of '95, when the first issue of DTO was being put + together, he asked me to write again. It took a while, but eventually I + threw something together one night and sent it off to him. I think that + was December of '95, a bit after DTO #5 was released. Now, I had no idea + where the piece was going. I didn't know what the heck an e'zine was. + No concept of the idea at all. I didn't understand and I didn't care to. + But that's where my piece went, Mogel informed me. "It's in DTO #6!" he + said. "Great!" I said, pretending to understand. + + A few days later, Mogel approached me in the chatroom on the + MajorBBS and asked me if I wanted to go "on IRC!" Going on IRC meant + about as much to me as going on DTO. I had only heard of it in passing + and had no idea what he was talking about. Regardless, I went for it. I + think he gave me an extra shell account of his or something. He directed + me to #zines. This was January of '96. + + Upon entering, about 6 different people who I did not know + whatsoever started talking to me all at once about the article I had + given to DTO. It was absolutely horrifying and soon after I logged off, + took some sedatives, and went to sleep. + + No shit. + + So that's pretty much how it all started. Without El Jefe, Evol, + Whisper, and Mogel, none of this would have ever happened. + + I damn all four of them to eternal torture. + + P.S. - I've recently come to realize that I was fiddling around on the + internet a long time ago. When my cousin Jay and I were about 14 + years old ('91), we'd play around on a MUD on Rutger's server + called "NAILS." We'd telnet in from a unix shell and everything. + Little did we know we were doing anything remotely related to the + internet. We just thought it was a really big BBS. + + (2) What do you like? + + My cousin Jay - He's put up with me for 21 years. + + Charles Bukowski - Poet, drunk, gambler, whore, bum. Great stuff. + + Bill Hicks - Died in his early 30s from pancreatic cancer. It + think it was in 1992. One of the most biting social commentators of our + time, period. Most think he's a stand-up comedian, but he's not, because + while you may laugh at some things he says, the things he says aren't + funny. I've stolen plenty of material from him, a lot of which has + ended up in articles I've written for e'zines. + + Tool - The only art-oriented band I know of that were taken in + by the mainstream media and still managed to keep all of their dignity + intact. Not to mention that their live shows are spectacular and, might + I say, even spiritual. They are also fans of Bill Hicks, and even sample + some of his material in "Third Eye" from their latest album, _’enima_. + + Dan Bern - Check him out yourself. http://www.dbhq.com/. I've + seen him three times so far and plan to see him as many more times as I + can. Next week I'm driving up to Massachusetts for one of his shows. + This guy is a major thing. Take my word. + + Alcohol and my guitar - I can honestly say there are few things + I enjoy more than getting absolutely plastered, sitting down with my + guitar, and playing/singing songs. + + Winter - I love being cold. It gives me an excuse to make hot + cocoa with cinnamon. + + Girls that smile. + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + No. I think the concept of goals is ridiculous, and to elaborate + on that would give the concept of goals more attention than it deserves. + Don't fool yourselves and make goals, folks. The only thing goals are + good for is fodder for those inspirational framed artwork pieces hanging + on the white walls of the cold, bleak office your mother works at. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + I don't know. I came onto the "scene" immediately after h0e + had died. I don't feel like I have a place to comment on what h0e means + to me at all. Infact, I feel like I'm imposing on other people's + territories by even trying to answer this question. Heh. + + But if I must answer, h0e means an e'zine completely free of any + sort of anal-retention. No quality control is good in these types of + mediums. It's a throwback to those old e'zines that would last about 2 + weeks put out by three zit-riddled young teen goofballs from their + parent's basements at 3 in the morning when they have school the next + day, all sitting around the computer staring at the screen trying to + come up with something witty for their first file_id.diz. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + As far as guys go, Mogel lives relatively close to me and we + rarely hang out at all, mostly due to conflicting schedules. I wouldn't + mind hanging out with him a bit more often. Ilsundal is a really cool + guy. I've never met Kreid, Jook, or Trilobyte, but they all seem nice. + + As far as the girls, I've definitely developed a pretty good + relationship with Metal Chick over the past 2 years. I like her a lot + and if I have any say in the matter, that won't change. We talk on a + semi-regular basis and once in a while I'll come home with a surprise + package from her waiting in the mailbox. She rocks. I don't know the + other female h0e writers at all, so I can't really comment. I know + that Tasha is a fellow Dan Bern fan. It doesn't take more than that to + start a conversation sometimes. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Quarex + ====== + + Name: Drew + 1st t-file: GRILL #1, "Why You Should be a Cynic" + 1st HOE issue: #156, "Why Are They Eating This?" + Quote: "FUCK" + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + Well, my descent into the computer underground somewhat started + when I was 14. That was when I first started making .mods, and before + all that long (when I was 15) I found myself on #trax on efnet, talking + to people I had never heard of, who would later end up doing music for + companies such as Electronic Arts and Sierra (Necros, Basehead, Siren, + Khyron, etc.). Sure, I sucked complete shit back then, as far as music + goes, and they let me know it, but they were all just so darn fun to + talk to that I could not help but always go back there. + + I also put up a BBS around the same time that I started making + .mods. A few years later, some random dudes named Murmur and Shadow Tao + started calling, and they would occasionally upload "zines" to my + "Chewing Lice Text Files" directory, like. . . hmm. . . well, it has + been a long time, but the names yolk and pez ring a bell, and I know he + uploaded a lot of CDC stuff. . anyway, eventually, DTO started + happening. One night, when RottenZ and SwissPope were sitting around at + my house, we started reading some random issue of DTO, and thought it + was the biggest bunch of shit we had ever seen. We decided that we + should be writing zines, since we know how to make funny things. One of + them suggested that we call it "Grill," for no apparent reason, and the + other one sat down and started writing an introduction. + + Little did we know that this thing we planned to be a one-shot + thing would end up being released somewhat bi-monthly for the next two + years. Grill #12 is sitting in about 1/2 completed form in my Grill + directory, by the way, since you all care. + + Also, at some point WAY earlier, during the #trax days, someone + introduced me to a dude named Mogel, who asked to hear a .mod I did + called "Pork," since everyone else thought it was damn funny. So I gave + it to him. And several years later he ended up being this dude who I + actually talked to sometimes! What a coincidence! WHAT A SMALL IRC + AFTER ALL! + + As far as my handle(s) go(es), each handle I have ever used has + something resembling a story behind it, naturally, but as we all know, + the only handle I have ever really needed is Quarex. Quarex came + about when I was playing a game called The Dark Heart of Uukrul (I have + no idea when it came out, but whenever it came out was when I made up + the handle. . 1990?), and needed a name for my mage. I already had a + huge list of names I had made up at random, but instead, I opted to + just start typing and see what happened. The muse on my shoulder led + my fingers to type "Quarex Osis," which I felt was the coolest name I + had ever come up with. I eventually started using it regularly, but + dropped the "Osis" when I noticed that lots of words for pig diseases + ended with "Osis." I then went to Quarex Aegis, and dropped "Aegis" + when a battleship game called Aegis came out. So, thus, I have been + Quarex ever since, because it occurred to me that last names are stupid. + + I just have to list all the other handles I have used that I can + remember, though, for posterity's sake. Oh, the stories they tell. + + Agon Von Bon Bon / Chandral / C'Tamehtan / Cyax / Grammer Kyng / + Guayballanal's Finger / MrKitten / Oppenheimer Boy / Skull / The + Laughing Duck / Verac / Zeed / Ziego Vuantar / many more lost in the + annals of BBS time. + + (2) What do you like? + + I really do pretty much like everything. That is what makes me + SO FUCKING COOL. I have only been bored once in my life, so far as I + can remember, and that was at the Museum of Science and Industry in + Chicago when I went in '97. For those of you who have not been there + since your childhood, no, it does NOT rule, it FUCKING SUCKS. As a + result of never being bored, I find myself pretty much liking everything + I do and see, and liking most everyone I meet. I have only ever + disliked a few people (at least since Grade School, when I did not + understand life yet), really, and all but one of those people made it + abundantly clear that there was no way that we could be friends, so I + had no choice but to defend myself. + + Beyond that, yes, I am into plenty of other things. I love + computers, obviously, as we all should. However, I have figured out why + you love your computer more and more the more you use irc - think about + it. Every time you get positive feedback from another person, you are + actually getting it from the computer. If some hot chick tells you she + likes you on irc, you associate that emotion with sitting in front of + your computer, not sitting in front of the girl. + + I also love anything involving sitting around in most any + situation, talking to people. Even though those two things pretty much + cover everything I do, I also love cats and generally do not care for + dogs (though I love huge dogs, like Great Pyrannees), love hate and hate + love, and ironically yearn for the complete annihilation of the human + race. And oh yeah, while I am on that, I really like the way I think of + sex as the primary cause of humanity's stupidity. If you have sex, you + suddenly put yourself completely at the will of another person, and more + importantly are engaging in an act designed to MAKE MORE PEOPLE. I SAY, + FUCK THAT. If you must have sex, at least dig up a corpse to do it. + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + My goal in life, so far as I can tell, has always been to play + games on my computer all day, then go out socializing at night, and + somehow get paid for all of it. Barring the chance that this could + happen, my other goals have been completely random. For a time, I + wanted to be a musician. That still pops up every once in a while, but + it is somewhat unlikely, as I would have to do everything + electronically, and we all know that no electronic musicians can succeed + in today's era of all-acoustic. + + I also have wanted to be the editor of just about every + publication I read on a regular basis, as I catch between five and ten + errors in everything, EVERYTHING, and it always pisses me off. I got a + letter in the mail the other day from the English department here at + UIUC, and I found eight grammar and punctuation mistakes in its body. + Fuck you, English. + + Beyond that, I have also yearned to be a stand-up comedian or at + least some sort of entertainer, an impressionist maybe, as that is where + most of my talent actually lies anyway. I found some connections a few + months ago, this one woman I am somewhat acquainted with happened to be + around during a group dinner when I was keeping everyone laughing + hysterically as usual, and she told me she has connections at Second + City in Chicago, and that I should go do something with them sometime. + As appealing as that sounds, I do kinda want to make sure that I have + something to fall back on, like, a sword, if that fails. + + I also want to be a professional lover. Well, not really, but it + has basically been decided by every girl I know that I give the greatest + backrubs (at least short of the professional level) that the world has + ever seen, so maybe I should go into masseusehood. That is a word. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + H0e fills the void in my life that was left my the sudden shocking + resignation of my man-servant, Standish. H0e serves, to me anyway, as + something that can always entertain me, as even absolutely terrible + articles can at least be mocked elsewhere, and most of them are short + enough to not get on anyone's nerves anyway. I personally write for H0e + for two reasons. First of all, I am an egomaniac, and an uber-ham as a + result, and thus I love seeing my name in print anywhere. But secondly, + I have always enjoyed getting some kind of reaction out of people, and my + favorite reaction is, naturally, laughter. So, I tend to shoot for + things that can fulfill both of those requirements. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + That is a very good question. I have naturally thought about this + to some extent ever since I started writing for H0e, since I am male, and + at the very least, we think about dating all the time, if not scoring. + Naturally, I initially wanted to score with Soybean. That is, as I + explained earlier, why I initially got involved with h0e, so I could be + on the staff list below Soybean. However, then, through some bizarre + twist of fate, I actually ended up in a relationship with her, so my + mission was accomplished. + + Lately, though, since I have not had a girlfriend since cutting + Soybean out of my will in May, I occasionally ponder the h0e staff for + girls to date. Naturally, AnonGirl is off limits, since she is too cool + to flirt with IRC guys. However, I did become interested in Cyn after + reading something she wrote, and then checking out her webpage. + Unfortunately, she lives in California. I have also liked Seaya since + I met her at Dummercon, but there is that slight conflict of interests + there with her, so she serves her purpose as a friend well. Metalchick + is fuckin' hot, but I never see or hear anything from her anyway, so no + go there. I started talking to Phairgirl, too, completely by accident, + but again, she lives in Iowa. I have basically given up on the concept + of scoring with anyone who lives out of this state, but I had some ideas + while it lasted, at least. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Squinky + ======= + + Name: Jarett + 1st t-file: RICUS #1, "What to do with the Homeless" + 1st HOE issue: #90, "The True Story of Emmanuelle Goldstein & Erik Corley" + Quote: "Why do I always meet SF writers and retards and midgets?" + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + Oh, woe to the unshriven, they who would ask this question. + + At the time when c=64 computers were contemporary, My father was + there, programming away weird shit like there was no tomorrow, and maybe + there wasn't. Apparently, at some point along the lines, he had seen + WARGAMES, and one day told me about modems. The idea was SOO OOOOOOOOO + COOOOOLLL to me, at my little age of 7, and I tried to get either my mom + or dad to hook me up with one, but they both refused. + + About two years later, I saw an episode of Silver Spoons, in + which Ricky Shcroder's girlfriend sends him a gigantic pink heart over + the computer, and inside it says LOVE. I knew they had to be using a + modem, and boy, my lust only grew. + + About 1991, I bought a 386sx, with 2 megs of RAM, and I played a + lot of games. I met this kid named Gary Davidson who also played a lot + of games, and we started playing games together. I went to house once, + and found out that he had a modem, and with it he connected to this + service called PRODIGY. + + Boy, that was the coolest, because we could find out cheat codes + for Quest For Glory I & II, and learn about the way to score all the + points in King Quest's IV. I believe our collective nickname for the + game bases was something like 'The Wacky Antwerp', being a reference not + to the town, but rather the strange, blue, bouncing creature in the + Quest for Glory series. + + Anyway, Gary had a modem, and it sparked up those long brewing + desires, and so, one fateful day, I bought a computer shopper, and with + my father's stolen American express number ordered up an $80 2400 baud + modem. + + When it came, I sadly realized I had no where to call, so I + promptly began to call all the BBSs listed in the back of Computer + Shopper, starting up a really nasty phone bill that would be problematic + in later months, until I hit upon a Rhode ISland (401) BBS that had a + list of other BBSs in the 401 area code. + + I fell in with the miscreant crowd then, meeting up with a guy + named Daver, another one named Runaway Train, another named Prince Mack, + and two contemps who had gotten their modems and started calling BBSs + around the same time as me named Darwin and Wonko/Suicide King/Some Other + Bullshit. + + And the rest is history. + + And what of my father? + + He's still using the C=64, trying to predict the future. + + And if you think I'm kidding, you're wrong. He really is. + + (2) What do you like? + + Stuff? + + That's a pretty lame question, but, I like being left alone for + long periods of time, I like to pretend that there really are people + worth knowing, and I like James Joyce, because he also liked to pretend + that there really were people worth knowing. + + I like books. A LOT. I can say that I have read more than you, + you being the person reading the file at any given moment and coming + across these words, because unless you're Harold Bloom or someone of + similar academic standing, I have. I also know this means nothing. + + I like making jokes. I like Theodore Sturgeon, and I really like + Connie Willis. I like Rimbaud. I like making jokes. + + I like being left alone. + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + As cliche as it is, I'd like to die young, before I begin to + really turn into grey ash. I think people live too long now. I figure + that 40 is a good age to die, and I plan to inflict it upon myself then. + + Of course, I'm sure by the time I'm 40, I'll be some swill-eating + capitalist pig and death will be the furthest thing from mind, as I + gently stroke the silicone breasts of my token bride, surveying my South + American sugar kingdom. + + I hate questions like this and "what do you like", because my + answers are only going to embarrass me later in life, when I look at + this again, in some narcissistic ritual. + + My goal in life is to get across as much of the intended meaning + as I can in what I say and write. I want people reading this to realize + that I understand how angsty and youthful all of this sounds, and that + in a week I'll probably repudiate it, but I also want them to understand + that it in two weeks I'll probably be feeling the same way again. And + I'd also like to understand that while everything I've said in this + interview makes me JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE MY AGE, I believe myself to + be somehow different in some way, and that my wants and likes aren't + just that of a angsty kid. I also would like people to understand that + I know the last sentence is a pure egotistical cop-out. + + That's what I mean by intended meaning. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + It means watching mogel say funny things every few months, + like "MR. SHIT THE CHRISTMAS SHIT". + + That's the basest level. + + On a higher, more socially aware level, I like HOE because it's + so shitty. I mean, you look at groups like cDc or +FpG+, or anything + that was started during the times of BBSing, (And I realize that H0e is + much younger than either), and they're still around, but they're *so + crippled*. + + cDc #200 may very well be the perfect text file, but what the + hell did they ever do after it? And what the hell are they doing now? + + OR All the #hack people... Or anyone who was part of what was + once 'the scene. + + They're all become gimps, in the truest sense of the word, + because they're trying to struggle on with an air of legitimacy that + they *now lack*. These groups thrived in a very isolated, small + world. When BBSing dissolved, so did their main rungs of support. + + Which is why cDc is now some politically motivated, back orifice + release, Poppy Z. Brite publishing, Pantera-looking, Picture in Wired + bunch of pussies. + + They're lost in the maelstrom, and don't have a compass to get + out of it. They can't evolve, because they're constantly trying to + recreate the past. And, of course, they will tell you they're doing new + things, but they aren't. They're just playing the same riffs OVER AND + OVER AND OVER again, under different names. + + What I like about H0E is that it always sucked, and it never had + any support, and it was always the shittiest imaginable thing. + + It can't repeat itself, because it never *said* anything. It + never *did* anything, and there's strangely twisted honor in that, like + French writer and Nazi sympathized Louis Ferdinand Celine taking pride + in not claiming his actions during WWII were forced by the Germans. + + There is never going to be a day where you go to the H0E website + and find mogel babbling about Political Motivation and Freeing Kevin + and trying to hock you t-shirts instead of writing shitty little zines. + + The other thing I like about H0E is that mogel is the only guy + whose sense of humor has evolved with time. He's not telling the same + Mortal Kombat II jokes he was in '95. How many other modem people can + you say that about? + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + Anongirl, cause she's a super lush, and would be totally easy, + + and, Metal Chick, cause she hated my ass in #dto. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Ziego Vuantar + ============= + + Name: Ziego + 1st t-file: HOE #261, "HOE HAS BEEN SEIZED!" + Quote: "YOU PATHETIC, CAPITALIST BASTARD!" + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + I CARE NOTHING OF YOUR E'ZINE SUBCULTURE. I HAVE NO TIME FOR + THIS. THE COMPUTER UNDERGROUND WAS INTENDED FOR THE SO-CALLED + "UNDERGROUND" TO EXCHANGE ACTIVIST MESSAGES BY EXPLOITING THE SYSTEM. + + (2) What do you like? + + I HAVE LIVED TOO MANY YEARS OF INTENSE OPPRESSION TO "LIKE" VERY + MUCH BY YOUR SUPERFICIAL, RIDICULOUS AMERICAN STANDARDS. I LIKE TO + CRUSH AND KILL THOSE THAT CRUSH AND KILL. + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + I WISH TO FREE MY PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN ENSLAVED BY CAPITALIST + IDIOTS FOR THE LAST FIVE TO TEN YEARS. YOUR CHILDREN SEND LETTERS + TO COUNTRIES AROUND THE WORLD VIA "AMNESTY INTERNATION" BUT YOU FORGET + THAT AMERICA IS EQUALLY AS CRUEL AND MANIPULATIVE. ONE DAY... I WILL + HAVE MY REVOLUTION! AND YOU WILL ALL BE FREE... AFTER I DEMOLISH AND + KILL ALL THAT STAND IN MY WAY! + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + "HOE" E'ZINE COINCIDENTALLY HAS THE SAME NAME AS MY GROUP OF + REVOLUTIONARY FORCES. THERE WAS NEVER A CONNECTION, UNTIL WE + UNEXPECTEDLY STUMBLED UPON THE WRITERS IN OUR HOME LAND OF VENEZUELA. + THE HOE WRIERS MAKE EXCELLENT HOSTAGES. + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + THE ONE WHO CALLS HERSELF "PHAIRGIRL" SEEMS EXCITING. THE REST OF + THE HOE WRITERS ARE SWINE... BUT SHE... SHE IS EXOTIC, YET FACINATING. + I WOULD LIKE TO GET TO KNOW HER MORE WHEN SHE IS NO LONGER MY PRISONER. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Mogel + ===== + + Name: Mike + 1st t-file: HOE #4, "Meaningful Shit" + Quote: "I love everyone!" + + (1) How did you get involved in the computer underground and e'zines? + + Well, originally I'd been using the computer since they released + those wonderful TRS-80's... I think my family got one in 1981, and I + started programming in BASIC and doing anything my little 7-year-old + mind could think up. That might've not been very much. I do remember + making a great RPG where you had to run from Godzilla and another game + where you shoot your teachers with a gun. + Sometime when I hit the big age of 15 (1991), I got a modem and + began calling tons of local BBS's. I mostly downloaded some games, + posted on their message boards, and played the ever-infamous online game. + I still dream at night about trading Organics, Fuel Ore, or Equipment. + At some point, perhaps about 1993, some of my local friends + (whom I knew before getting online) introduced me to several new things + -- most obviously, the local, Philly "hacker scene" and the internet. + WOW! + Of course, when you're a teenager it's quite easy to get bored of + the endless drones of school and spend the majority of your mental energy + doing something else. I spent most of that time online. For a while, I + was a dumb, little cliche haxor script-kiddie, but to make a long and + very boring story short, I eventually ran into tons of e'zines, and more + specifically "the text file". It's not as if I hadn't run into text + files before, of course, but until I ran into such collections of them + did I consider the idea with any seriousness. Of course, these files + were things like cDc, Phrack, and BLAH. Not too much later, I decided + rather blindly, "hey, I will start a really stupid local text file + group!" which is something that doesn't seem to be all that original of + a thought. Especially not in early 1994. + Okay, so there were TONS of text file groups. What on earth + could I do to get mine noticed... a funny name! Yeah, not just that... + an obnoxious name -- *HOE*! + It was that simple. The acronym "hogs of entropy", which was a + blatant (and intentional) cDc-ripoff, was actually fairly random, as these + things tend to me. The first, say, 60 issues of HOE are absolutely + terrible... but I'll be damned if I didn't have fun making them with + everyone. Especially with Black Francis and Abigwar. + Oh, this is quickly turning into a HOE-history instead of a + Mogel-history. That's bad. + I wrote for several other e'zines over the years, and helped run + a relatively successful, "serious" e'zine for 2 years called + "Doomed to Obscurity" with several other guys, several of which I + consider good friends now. Some even write for HOE! DTO was an attempt + at trying to add a literary aspect to e'zines -- by having (at least some + of us) try our best to write something unique and interesting. Sometimes + the writing was absolutely fantastic, however, looking back now, a lot of + it was self-absorbed, annoying, and generally took itself entirely too + seriously. + Oh, and as for my handle... when I was just born, my sister was + just learning to talk and couldn't say my first name (Michael) correctly, + and it came out "Mogel". It was a dumb nickname that seemed to stick + with my family. In 1991, when a prompt asking me for a nickname stared + me in the face, "Mogel" seemed like a natural response. It's a + relatively meaningless handle (if handles are ever supposed to have + meaning?)... and I made a very half-hearted effort to change it to + "Yes, Okay" this year, but of course, after 7 years of being called + "Mogel", it was pretty futile. + + (2) What do you like? + + Communication. + Seriously. I know that sounds like a vague and empty thing to + say, but I tend to think that most of what I appreciate in life are those + who can communicate effectively. I tend to choose my friends, my film + projects, my writing, my interests... all in this direction. Effective + communication. + I'm very much interested in philosophy, film, writing, and good + conversation. I suppose your average 15-year-old GAP shopper would + consider those some pretty boring things to put effort into, but I can't + help but ask the cliche question "what else is there?". + + (3) Do you have any goals? + + Ideally, I'd like to surround myself with tons of creative and + dynamic people. I'd like to find a way to effectively pipe my eccentric + and bizarre personality into a real job. Right now, I have a very + profound feeling that the best direction for me to do this would be film, + regardless of how competitive it is. If you're good, you're good. If + you can make something you will be proud of, you will be proud. I tend + to take things in simple terms like that, and I intend on fulfilling my + dream of producing something creative that I am genuinely very proud of. + I only have one chance as Mogel on planet Earth, so I'd be a + fool not to follow my heart. + + (4) What does HOE mean to you? + + Honestly? HOE doesn't mean shit, and that's the point. + I often half-jokingly say, "HOE is genius", but really HOE is + pure nostalgia-candy. I guess I have a different outlook on HOE since + I'm Mogel. + Actually, up until the last year or so, I've completely hated + HOE's existence and somehow wished everyone would forget about it. When + I was going through my "I-take-myself-way-too-seriously" phase, the old + HOE files served as almost a mockery of how stupid I could be. I'll + admit the old files were often *intentionally* a bit raw and crappy, + but... it took a long while for me to realize just how fucking cool + that is. + I'd better explain. + The "trashy" aesthetic has always been a key element of text + files. I mean, the phenomena of text files, historically, has always + been about something very simple-yet-cool: the idea that any guy with + a computer and a modem can write up a simple message -- political, + poetic, stupid, serious, funny, informative, whatever -- and have it be + distributed to a vast, amorphous "audience" that could be anywhere from 1 + person to millions. + When I wrote a lot of those old HOE files, I really didn't expect + to get e-mails 4-5 years later from BBS kids in California, saying + that they read my files. The whole concept blows my mind, that young + people could potentially spread whatever message they wanted without + massive advertising money. + It makes me sad that the raw, obnoxious, "underground text file" + groups are a relic now... simply archives. + Don't get me wrong. HOE is still crappy, but we're as crappy + as we wanna be. The question of "standards" isn't really the point. + We're a completely absurd production. With the exception of UXU, + FUCK, and CDC (which barely ever releases), the ASCII e'zine no longer + exists. We're doing this to entertain ourselves. Sometimes with clever + ideas, sometimes with cheap laughs, and occasionally with quality + writing. + We've no interest in taking ourselves seriously... again, that's + not the point. We're about having a all-embracing production where + *anyone* can potentially be a part of with relative ease and for no good + reason other than that they might like text files. + The point of all this rambling is simple. HOE is taking the + oldschool, "trashy" e'zine aesthetic and sticking in some eccentric, new + voices into the mix. It's both exactly like and completely different + from anything that's been done before. + + You know, as long as I'm rambling about HOE, and this is going to + be preserved in issue #300, I might as well talk about something else I + find interesting... approval. + E'zines are usually a representation of the beliefs of one person + or one group of people's ideas about society. So, what happens when + you're releasing something which is primarily so utterly silly? + Obviously you could take some sort of dip-ass, existential argument with + it, such as "there is no meaning in text files! there is no meaning in + writing!", but of course that's going way too far. + It's amusing that HOE is fundamentally rooted in crap, because + we do occasionally release some files that are pretty interesting or at + least very funny. We've all come to expect weird stuff to come out of + HOE, but what happens when something GOOD is released? There's just as + much approval for that, I think. It's likely that people aren't + continually reading and writing for HOE because they consider it high + art. But if this is the case, I think there's the tendency to ask some + simple questions: + What are people looking for that is found in HOE? Is there + something that transcends the normal standards of quality-control? + How in hell are there 27 official writers for HOE on December 3rd, 1998? + + Of course, these questions are stupid. HOE blurs the line + between good and bad. I prefer very simple answers, like, "because + HOE rules". Because it does. + And I do realize this contradicts me saying "HOE doesn't mean + shit", but life is full of contradictions! I love what I hate! + + (5) Which other h0e author would you like to score with? + + Quite honestly, I'm fond of all the girlies that write for HOE. + If I could, I'd probably splice their genetics and composite all + of them into one perfect female. Although, if someone was holding a gun + to my head and I were forced to choose, I'd probably pick Metal Chick. + After all, she started the *first* HOE revival and this e'zine wouldn't + be here now without her. That's also a reason to hate her. She's also + pretty cute. + If I were gay, I'd circle-jerk with Styx, Trilobyte, Swiss Pope, + and Kreid. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #300, WRITTEN BY THE HOE STAFF, 12/3/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0301.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0301.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4c89a3bd --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0301.txt @@ -0,0 +1,467 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #301 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The BIG-ASS Story" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Various Artists !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/3/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Each writer was restricted to 5 sentences. + + [Mogel] + + "I hope... you got fat," Lady Lamina wrote, before she stopped, + thought for a moment, and then tore the letter to shreds. Why couldn't + she adopt that peaceful mentality that her poor, jailed mother had + embraced, and write to the IRS without getting completely infuriated? + Lady Lamina, of course, had never successfully been able to kill herself, + and has been forced to deal with some form of tax collection for the last + 759 years of her miserable life. It tortured her a great deal, but there + was nothing she could do about the problem -- she simply would not die. + She had tried everything! + + [tRiL0byTe] + + The last time she left her whorehouse, her home, three weeks ago, + she had applied to her face and body every last atom of makeup in her + possession. Men everywhere were pouncing upon her ancient body and they + clawed and grabbed for all of her extremely developed assets. But, + damned as Lady Lamina was, none of them would take her miserable, endless + life! But this night, as she flushed out her vagina with her favorite + bidet, she felt alone and depressed. Were her financial woes truly all + she had to live for these days? + + [g0ff] + + Of course, there was one other thing. Once, she had had a cat, + and it had kept her happy in times of need. Unfortunately, no cat lives + over seven hundred years, even those as full of fortitude as Muffin was. + But he had died, like everyone else she had ever had any closeness with. + There was another choice to consider, though, and that was finding a new + cat to be a part of her life. + + [anJee] + + Lady Lamina quickly paced through the streets, trying her best to + hop over the various dead bodies and attempting to dodge the freaks and + weirdos who always seemed to pop up in front of her. However, unlike the + last 759 years of her life, something different happened, throwing her + daily routine off-course and disrupting what she had always referred to + as her "pathetic excuse for a life". Not only had Lady Lamina found + herself spread out on the pavement with a few scratches scattered along + her body -- there, resting in front of her yellow and purple colored + eyes -- was a rock... and for the first time in centuries, a smile drew + itself onto her face, as she grabbed the rock and firmly held it in her + hands. When she arrived at home later that day, she sat down and + analyzed the rock... trying to make it talk, but it just wouldnt reply. + She decided it would now be her mission to successfully help the rock + discard it's shyness hoping it would then lead to a very intelligent and + educational discussion. + + [DJ Hoad] + + Lady Lamina tried for several weeks to rid the rock of it's + shyness. It, being a rock, really had no idea why this woman was shaking + and screaming at it. Severely confused, the rock decided enough was + enough. Lady Lamina gaped as the rock stood firm and gazed her straight + in the eye. The rock said the first thing that came to its mind, "Eat + blue." + + [Styx] + + Then the rock said the second thing that came to its mind: "Poop." + Lady Lamina was transfixed and followed up on the rock's commands, first + eating her blue suede shoes, all of the blue M&Ms in the cupboard, her + blue shirts and blue pants, her blue bedspread and blue tampons, her + ceramic blue figurines and all of the blueberry pie. Then, recalling the + rock's second command, she pulled down her lace panties, squatted over a + fruitbowl, and muscled out a long blue link from her colon. The rock + shook its head, looking up at her with disdain. "You misunderstand, Lady + Lamina - I said to eat blue poop." + + [Toasty] + + "But umm... ummm...," ummed Lady Lamina. "I am not coprophilic!" + she shrieked, having finally grabbed onto the high school Sex Education + 4 vocabulary word she knew still lurked somewhere in her longterm memory. + She then got caught in a reflective mental tangent, remembering those + classes she took so long ago. How could the public school system expect + to NOT turn out filthy skanky whores like herself when they offered + honors sex ed classes? She stopped pooing and wept for the youth of + America. + + [Kreid] + + The tragedies of the day... talking rocks, blue poo, and the + constant bleeding from her ears... had driven Lady Lamina into a + terrible fit of depression. And yet, through all the blood and tears, + Lady Lamina experienced a brief moment of clarity; she knew exactly what + she had to do. With the sureness of a woman who has seen God, pissed on + his shoes, and run away with his wallet, she pulled her trusty hangun + from her brassiere, glancing momentarily at the scars on her chest she + had received while being raped by knife-wielding mongols at Ghengis + Khan's 25th birthday party. Then, moments later, while she was still + pondering this old memory, she was moaning in ecstasy from the sensation + of the handgun entering her vagina, centuries old, wrinkled, and + encrusted with chlamydic discharge. That ecstasy was a feeling she had + not felt in at least 4 months, and somehow, there was still something + wonderful in it, something magic, even after so many hundreds of years... + but those thoughts had to be pushed back into her mind as she gripped the + trigger tighter... tighter... tighter... + + [AltRocks] + + "POP," the gun sounded as it exploded gallons of warm water into + her now satisfied genitals, seeing as it was a Super-Soaker 2453462136 + left over from the late 20th century water wars, which she had missed, + being captured by the HOE Freedom Fighters in their last futile attempt + to overthrow the Venezuelan revolutionaries (they made me write that) + while trying to assist her sympathetic friends selling cocaine on the + streets of the capital of Venezuela, which kept her cash flow quite + ample, and aided HOE in it's attempt to rid it's writer's of a life. + After tossing her water gun in the gutter she started down the street, + looking for her next adventure, but she would have no more adventures, + because at that moment, AltRocks arose from the dead and killed the + bitch. He then took over working the whore house, turned it into the + biggest prostitution ring in the history of the world, making him the + grand funk daddy of all pimps. He then remembered his old friend, Ziego, + whome he had a bone to pick with, but Ziego had died years earlier, and + being a simple mortal, could not rise from the dead, as he did, so he + settled for a Playstation, and a copy of Mortal Kombat MCMXVII, which + was quite amazing, cause mortal Kombat got old in 1994. He then began to + think about all the good he could do, but decided it wasn't worth it and + turned abck to the evil ways that spawned him, the evil ways that made + him powerful, the evil ways that brought him back from the dead, and the + evil ways that would fuel his new plan for the world.... + + [Kaia] + + I guess happiness really is a warm gun, because at that point, + drunk on her naughty rollicking fantasy, Lady Lamina's entire body quaked + with the wild spasms of ecstasy, sending glistening jets of organic + secretions, cottage cheese juice, and yellow-pink pus spraying from every + orifice and pore. As Lady Lamina rolled over, crushing the colonies of + lice thriving in her bearskin carpet, she thought of her son Basal and + vowed to masturbate more often, then drifted off into her favorite + dreamland, Billybob's Big Universe of Firearms and Roosters. Basal, + responding to his mother's psychic calling, would have come to lick up + the mess, had he not been consumed earlier that day by the rock. So + instead, the rock came bopping in, dressed like Axl Rose, singing Viking + drinking songs and doing the chicken dance, but for the first time, it + felt a funny, as yet unidentified feeling in the pit of its sediment. + Could it be love? + + [Tasha] + + Just as soon as the thought had come, the rock quickly dismissed + the feeling as heartburn from the consumption of Basal earlier in the + day. He then rolled over to the wet spot left on the carpet by Lady + Lamina, and swirled his tongue over the entire area, pausing a few times + to pick the shedded pubic hair out of his teeth. Lady Lamina, still + squirming from the afterquakes of her orgasm, grabbed the rock and + slowly slid him all the way inside of her slippery, wrinkled cunt. The + rock, a little pissed that he didn't get to finish the dinner that had + been left for him on the carpet, began licking Lady Lamina's secretions + from his position inside of her cunt. This, of course, sent Lady + Lamina into another violent orgasm, and the poor rock died in a flood of + the orgasmic secretions he had caused. + + [SwissPope] + + The rock promptly plopped out of Lady Lamina's vagina. Exhausted, + Lady Lamina pulled up her pants, lit up a cigarette, and got out the + vacuum cleaner. She glided the vacuum cleaner over the dirty carpet, + twirling like Mary Poppins, while adult contemporary music from the radio + soothed her soul. When the vacuum cleaner rolled over the rock, there + was a sudden hiss, then a terrible booming noise, and black smoke + emerged. After racing to her filing cabinet, Lady Lamina examined the + General Electric vacuum cleaner's warranty and discovered that it had + been voided due to a very tiny clause that cleared stated "A.2.(iii) This + vacuum cleaner shall not be exposed to granite, pumice, basalt, obsidian, + nor any other igneous, metamorphic, or sedimentary rock exposed to the + fluids secreted from the vagina, penis, or anus unless an industrial or + medical use permit has been granted and arrangements for radioactive + hazardous waste disposal have been made." + + [phairgirl] + + It was right about then when, oh wait a second, it wasn't right + about then, it was right about.... NOW... when Lady Lamina heard a knock + at the door. Although usually when her sexual gratification had just + completed its home stretch and the vacuuming needed to be done she + wouldn't have answered it, but today, she decided to forgo ancient + customs and cry "Carpe Diem!" as she raced toward the towering doorway. + Flinging the door aside, she gasped as 232 FBI agents gazed out of sheer + horror at her appearance. If only she had known that her beloved rock was + somehow mixed up in the Mafia and that there was a $100,000 contract out + on his head due to the immense amount of pain and heartache he had caused + Don Benito. Staring wearily at the now-sickened agents, Lady Lamina's + thoughts raced to think of some kind of halfway believable story to + explain why their prime suspect in the cannibalistic murders of 8000 tons + of sheetrock wouldn't be available for prosecution. + + + [Quarex] + + Fortunately for Lady Lamina, she re-read the script to the story, + and discovered that all previous mentions of her own sexuality were + placed in error, and should have been instead been references entirely + to her own blase existence, completely free of sex (and proud of it!) + for the last (almost!) 760 years. Her rock, however, was another + story, as it was still very much so dead, but not from any kind of + moronic sexual encounter! This rock was not about to accept any kind + of roody-poo crap from any of the jabronies writing this story, no sir, + the rock took his own damn life by jumping right out of this damn text + file. As for Lady Lamina, who has come so far by being an inept piece + of fuck, there was only one thing left for her to do: strut. Once she + was through strutting, and still realized she was quite fucking alive, + Lady Lamina decided to resort to the most drastic measure of suicide, a + measure so drastic that its very name is only whispered in certain arcane + circles, made up entirely of grand wizards so foul that nary a mortal can + behold them without screaming in fright, aye, indeed, the bedeviled + method of suicide known only as INDIE ROCK. + + [Teerts] + + completely determined to meet her maker, our good lady made off + for the closest university; there, at one of the prime sources of shitty + igneous musik, she'd find her end. the fedz, so sickened by her + appearance, just stood by barely controlling their urge to vomit (it was + right after lunch after all, i mean, have you ever SEEEN this woman? + ugh!), as the ancient foundation, mascara, blush, and lipstick-soaked + wench (who had begun strutting once more) passed right through the mass + of agents. having tripped in a 16ft deep pot-hole in her 60000ft long + driveway (about 43253ft from her house), lady lamina was very lucky that + she had switched to low-heel shoes back 709 years ago (you know, the + standard age at which old tarts stop wearing heels), otherwise she could + really have been hurt by the accident. she then picked up her broken leg + and placed it gingerly in the 'fifth pocket' of her levi 50000009's and + continued to furiously hop away from the scene; still heading straight + (right through traffic, not giving a shit...she's tried cars before) for + her closest university, isuckshit liberal arts institute. end in phuct + phunnetix; wile hedding four her destinashun, shie bekaim distraktid + (well, she remembered she had founded the same university she was headed + for and that she had disallowed all music programs in the school), sow + she dessidid too stop trinkit stour annd halfe a loock at som naiss + laan (ga-)nomes! + + [Aster] + + but these gaa-nomes are evil and they killed her and cut her up + into little tiny pieces and ate a nice big lunch of lady-pieces, which + they REALLY enjoyed, since she was ripened with age and all. but little + did they know she was really a poisenous snake who all her life had been + planning to get back at them for killing her mother and father when she + was three, so they all died of this deadly deadly yucky evil poison. + except one gaa-nome, a so evil it could not be killed gaa-nome, a + gaa-nome that proceded to open his mouth and devour the world, until + there was only the island of Bali left. then he decided he needed a + vaction, you know all that hard work of devouring worlds can make you + very vaction-needing, so he went and sat on a beach on Bali's shore, + where he met some nice island people who kept him happy, untill he got + sunburned and shrivled up and fried to death in the sun, leaving only + ashes. then one island person came up and used the ashes to light a + fire, which made him evil too. + + [AnonGirl] + + This Nouveau-Mauvais island person, Rhicksho, gazed into the Evil + Fire with great malevolence towards his surroundings. He then glared at + the fellow Island People, and decided that he was the new ruler of Bali, + and if someone disobeyed him they would be forced to deal with some + serious ramifications. Bali, which was once a sunny happy place that + spread the word of only Peace and Love, was now an island of corruption, + with sick displays of wickedness where ever one looked: crime, cruelty, + and worst of all, Mentos commercials on giant screens as far as the eye + could see. Still not satisfied with his complete control over the world + now called Rhickshonia, King Rhicksho decided to have some fun and try + his hand at killing innocent newborn babies by batting their heads off + with coconut shells attached to dried palm tree leaves and seeing how far + he could hit one, trying to beat his own record each time. While batting + a young Rhickshonian skull far into the sky, the newborn cranium stopped + in mid-air, completely changed direction, and began flying directly + towards a stunned Rhicksho, with a look of death on its cute little face. + + [Obsidian] + + Transcending both the age-old perception of time and space and + the need to cook food in chinese woks, Rhicksho quickly burroughed deep + into the ground, catching the smiling death missile in mid flight. + Finally reaching an ancient cavern filled with a shrine to Front 242, + Rhicksho looked around, attempting to gain awareness of his surroundings. + Looking over in the corner, he noticed a woman bearing resemblence to + Lady Lamina sitting indian-style, smoking a clove cigarette with a glow + of enlightenment on her face. Feeling the warmth of her zen, he moved + towards the corner of the room. She turned slowly towards him and began + speaking in a stage whisper, "Excuse me, your fly is unzipped." + + [Cstone] + + Rhicksho, quickly but conspicuously zipping up his pants, craftily + retorted, "Huh?" The Lamina-woman, casting a weird glance toward + Rhicksho, said, "Your fly was down, moron; you dumb powermongers can take + over a bunch of innocent people, but can you design an intelligent pair + of pants? Of COURSE not!" She threw her cigarette into a stray pile of + dirt and stood up, showing off her pants to Rhicksho. Rhicksho, while + trying to decide whether or not he would make this arrogant bitch scream, + "MY PANTS SUCK!" before he killed her, stood with his mouth open. The + woman, continuing her use of one of her weird glances, screamed instead, + "YOUR PANTS SUCK!" + + [Mutter] + + It was then that Rhicksho realized that he wasn't wearing pants + (as he had outlawed the wearing of pants a day earlier). "What the fuck + are you talking about, you stinkin whore?!" Rhicksho screamed as he + signalled his evil albino midget sidekick, poo-pee-doo to attack Lamina. + Poo-pee-doo, armed with the magical feces of Rah! quickly defeated the + old woman. "Do you yield, hag? Or do you want another taste of my + poo-pee-doo?!@#" Apon hearing Rhicksho say this both couldn't help but + burst out in laughter which made the albino midget (who was already + oversensitive about his name to begin with) VERY mad... + + [Squinky] + + Somewhere, across the ocean, through time, near the Swiss Alps, a + young Adolf Hitler, aged 11, plays with his wooden truck by a lake. The + wheels roll over the earth like feet crushing grapes, and in his heart, + he knows true love, free from lust and taint. Mussolini, too, is young, + but sees promise is a new art movement called Futurism, which seems to + embrace much the same that he does, and for that he is willing to + overlook certain eccentricites, the rumored homosexaulity that comes + with all artists, absinthe and opiate dreams. The Emperor Hirohito, fresh + off the strange mists, looks across Tokio, not yet fully conquered by + capitalism and overpopulation, and questions his own godhood, knowing + that he can't be everywhere at once, or even really any single place + forever. Oh yeah, and there's some shit going on about some bitch who's + named Lady Lamina and is immortal and wants to die and has a rock. + + [Mooer] + + when lady lamina remembered that her real name was TRUDY, she + began to eat the apple pies which she had baked with her own hardened + hands. hands not toughened by sex, penises, juices or gratification, + they were calling her to wrap them in saran wrap so she could moisturize + them with the bottles and oodles of pig fat. but even oprah couldn't + sell those lotions. NO POOP NO SEX NO STUPID REFERENCES, just the + longing she had for her lover, her true life was what motivated her to + get up every morning. nothing was true. + + [Belial] + + as time went on, trudy realized that she would never see her + lover again and that even she would eventually die, bringing both her + charmed and cursed life to an end. would it make a difference, though? + would she be remembered? with this in mind, trudy packed up all of the + possessions she had, including a tiny crystal unicorn, and left the + village that had been her home for so many years. smiling, and with no + destination in mind, trudy set out on an adventure that would, for good + or for bad, define who she was -- lets the gods do what they want with + her, she was beyond caring. + + [Mercuri] + + she set out for the land of kraglich, prophecised by her deceased + soothsayer uncle to be the land of oppurtunity. with only the clothes on + her back and an incredibly dildo-like crystal unicorn (which made the + townspeople wonder [and jesus cry]) she set out to make a new name for + herself, she would construct it out of wood and boogers. she labored for + many days and for many nights, she cut down the mighty fir trees of the + forest to carve and mold her new name. when she was down the whole town + stood in awe of what she had created, a new name for herself (made out of + wood). that name was Duncan Pinderhuse. + + [PezMonkey] + + And that very name, while now her name, was also a house, a small + house, but a house all the same, hollowed out of large log and booger + letters. Duncan climed into her Duncan house and found that someone had + already stocked it with shelves and shelves of books, the first of which + she pulled down was Thoreau's Civil Disobedience and Walden. The second + was Rural Radicals by Catherine Stock. After reading these two books + (which took her about 6 years since all she had learned in school was + sex-ed, even though she had remained devoutly pure since that time), she + erected a fence around the perimeter of her property, stocked up on guns, + ammunition, and honey buns, and called the rock (who wasn't really dead), + Rhicksho, Basal (her un-dead son), Hitler, Mussolini, The Emperor + Hirohito, Snoop Doggy Dogg, and The Notorious B.I.G., and invited them + all over. Once there, they declared to have formed The Kraglich Militia, + and began shooting through the fence at the surrounding gnomes, people, + animals and other creatures. + + [Pagenwait] + + Meanwhile... the IRS people were having a pleasant day... that + is... they were until they got a letter in the mail. It looked as if it + had been torn apart, then taped back together again and it read, "I + hope... you got fat." The IRS people were offended by this note, and, + being the most intelligent people in the world (they had to take a mensa + test in order to become an IRS person), found out that it had been sent + by a Lady Lemina. Upon looking up her account, they learned she was + over 700 years old, had died, mysteriously came back to life, had an + affair with a wanted criminal, The Rock (you smell what the rock's + cooking? smells like old ladies cunt juices...), had renounced the + throne of England, turned into a snake, poisoned the sacred gaa-nomes, + and changed her name a few times. Unable to now locate her, dead or + alive, they shrugged it off saying, "It's all good." + + [Murmur] + + Unfortunately, the poor, innocent, shepherded minds of the youth + of the world were quite incapable of understanding what the fuck anybody + was really talking about this entire time. Should such words reach a + theoretical time capsule, the theoretical descendants of these people + would know very little about their famed ancestors except for the + following: they were primarily concerned with oneupmanship, they had + very little concept of what was truly funny and what was really just + horrendously stupid, few of them had mastered their studies in + obscurity (and consequently were banished to hell for failing to learn + how to use their damn apostrophes), and the leader of the entire + civilization was apparently a "Quarex", though little further + information could be gleaned about this individual, excluding + subsequent discovery of cranial X-rays. He does certainly have a + large head. The menagerie of faux-clinquant verbiage represented + reprehensibly herein is most profoundly summarized by employing an + objective observation of the songcraft of one Mr. Ron House, who thus + spake in the twentieth century: "You can't kill stupid." Throughout the + annals of history, indeed, few events could possibly be related that have + been demonstrated to have approached the sheer pointlessness, the utter + imbroglio of putridity, the festering maelstrom of imbalanced, + non-linear, scathingly and scandalously inept written discourse - with + the possible exception of the ubiquitous zen master himself, F. A. Hayek, + in his epochal coming-of-nether-age pseudo-soliloquy-unto-presumed- + -tranquillity and all-around saucy document of dilapidated dogma, _The + Road To Serfdom_ - and in the end we judges of humanity are left holding + a bloody shirt, a reminder neither of the sacrifices to preserve our way + of life nor of the fork in our metaphorical hearts, but merely a fragment + of what may once have been considered to be all that was good and proper + in this changing world, and to that, may we decry, along with our proper + heroes of yesteryore, these simple words: "deth is a four-letter word." + + [Quarex] + + "Now you have to keep one thing in mind," croaked Old Man + Wrathbucket, "anything you hear a-comin' from the mouth o' that ornery + bastard Murmur is complete pigshit, nothin' but a bunch o' high-falutin' + fancy-boy Ohio ed-u-cated college bullcrap!" With that, Wrathbucket + exploded, causing a chain reaction, setting off the rather timely + demises of Lady Lamina's jailed mother, Lady Lamina's useless cat, + AltRocks (again, good riddance), Aster, Rhicksho, Basal, Hitler, + Mussolini, Emporer Hirohito, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Notorious B.I.G., and + most importantly Aster and her fucking gaa-nomes. "I suppose that is + just about that," mused Lady Lamina, no-selling the Stunner as usual. + "How did I get into this useless mess, again? Oh, yeah, my own + impossible to reach death. . . actually, now that I think about it, + since almost everyone is dead now, I bet I do not even have to pay my + taxes anymore, let alone really need to worry about killing myself." + And with a wink and a smile, Lady Lamina shot back up the chimney, ready + to begin a new life, to protect the future generations of Terakhians + from the menace known as a "Mini E-ZINE EPIC." + + :) :) :) :) :) :) + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #301 - WRITTEN BY V. ARTISTS - 12/3/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0302.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0302.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e31bd007 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0302.txt @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #302 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Christian 'Science'" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Ramsey String !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/3/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + At first I was going to turn this into an opportunity to mock a + lesser writer by directly pilfering an idea from him (HOE #288) -- only + instead of prodding politicians with sticks and testing chemicals on + them I was going to do it with prominent Christians. And then I + realized that it wouldn't really be any funnier than what he tried to + write. Well, it would be *somewhat* funnier for a number of reasons. + First of all I am a much better writer, and not so cripplingly ugly. + Secondly, the topic is just funnier. I mean, let's face it, the mental + image of Gingrich being poked with a sharp stick isn't *funny* so much + as it is *scary*. Gingrich is a ferocious animal. Whereas the Reverend + Pat Robertson is a Christian more than a politician (he "runs" for + office every now and then but is not a politician in the sense there is + little danger of him winning) and it is funny to think of prodding him + with a stick or squirting chemicals in his eyes. Why, if not for his + dangerously anti-semitic views he would be rather cute and cuddly, and + it's funny to watch cute, cuddly animals squirm and writhe around. + + But I had this perfectly good title that was a parody of a piece + I meant to mock, so I thought maybe I would write about actual Christian + Scientists. Except I have no idea what they believe, except that I + think they seem to be opposed to giving medecine to sick people + especially children. Who can make fun of that? Hell, I think it's one + of the only sensible doctrines I have heard in years. Of course you + don't give medecine to children--that way you weed out the weak ones who + will end up cluttering the internet with still more useless homepages + dedicated to teen angst and porn. + + So then, I was going to write about Christian scientists--you + know, scientists who happen to be Christian. I know there are some-- + they are the guys and gals who run around saying they have scientific + evidence that the world is only like 500 years old and that the + dinosaur fossils were planted by satan to confuse us. Then again, + honestly, how can I mock Christians for being dogmatic even as + scientists, when everybody is so fucking dogmatic? Face it--the best + known Nobel prize winning Harvard lecturing scientist is a dogmatist. + Hell, we can't even see subatomic particles, but we believe in them + because they make the universe make sense. Sound like any definitions + of "religion" you might have read on one of those days you hauled your + body to school to have it satiated with that dreaded "knowledge"? + + All in all, this was a big waste of my time then, trying to + find something to write, and I think I'm just going to go prod some + Christians with sharp sticks in the tradition of zen masters of the + past--forsaking the written word for the performed action. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #302, WRITTEN BY: RAMSEY STRING 12/3/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0303.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0303.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d491c595 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0303.txt @@ -0,0 +1,344 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #303 !! + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: =========================================== + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: "Harlan Ellison Responds in an Out of !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: Context and Pointless Manner to an !! + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: Equally Out of Context and Pointless !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: Usenet Capture" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Squinky 12/3/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + THE HARLAN ELLISON "SLIPPAGE/SUSAN" CONTROVERSY: + + THE FOLLOWING FEW MESSAGES WERE COLLECTED BY RICK WYATT + FROM USENET ARCHIVES. I'VE INCLUDED THREE MESSAGES FROM MAY + 1998 CONSTITUTING AN ATTACK ON THE DELAYED PUBLISHING OF + _SLIPPAGE_ AND INDICATING THAT SUSAN, HARLAN'S WIFE, HAS + MADE HIM "LOSE HIS TOUCH"....FOLLOWED BY RESPONSES FROM + DAVID GERROLD AND HARLAN HIMSELF. + + I'M NOT GOING TO INCLUDE THE REST OF THE CRAP THAT WAS POSTED + OR THE OTHER RESPONSES ASIDE FROM MR. GERROLD'S. SORRY. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Subject: Re: Edgeworks (Future Volumes) + From: jwk208@is8.nyu.edu (Jarett Kobek) + Date: 1998/05/06 + Message-ID: <6iqdmi$v27$1@news.nyu.edu> + Newsgroups: alt.fan.harlan-ellison + [More Headers] + [Subscribe to alt.fan.harlan-ellison] + + Paul T. Riddell (priddell@usa.net) wrote: + > early grave as s/he spends weeks sorting it all. I've come to learn + > that waiting for a new Ellison collection is half of the fun: my wife + > ordered a copy of the Ziesing print of _Slippage_ for Christmas 1996 + > that I didn't get until April, but it was worth every last second. + + Yeah, hah, hah, real "fun". + + I waited for _SLIPPAGE_ to be released since like 1934, (well, 1994). + Real "fun", wading through an author's lies about release dates and his + idiotic justifications being remouthed through fans. + + Hah hah ah! + + It's so fun! + -Jarett + + !!========================================================================!! + + Subject: Has Ellison lost his touch? + From: inpoverty@aol.com (InPoverty) + Date: 1998/05/02 + Message-ID: <1998050223342300.TAA17371@ladder01.news.aol.com> + Newsgroups: alt.fan.harlan-ellison + [More Headers] + [Subscribe to alt.fan.harlan-ellison] + + Ever since his marriage to Susan, his output has dropped quite a bit... + Now that he is finally happy, he seems to have lost inspiration for new + material... + + Most of his stories were semi-autobiographical where he'd disguse + himself as a lonely, bitter man afraid of getting lost in the shuffle... + + Who knows how long his legacy will live on.... + Other than the "Glass Teat" there really isn't much of his work to + discuss... Everytime a story of his is brought up, it's followed by "I + loved that story" or "Great story" and that would be the end of it... + To say you hate a story, brings about the "Then why are you reading this + newsgroup?" messages.... + + BTW, what do you people read when you're not reading Ellison? I took an + Ellison break the last few months where I tried to catch up on the works + of Thomas Ligotti, Paul Auster, and James P. Blaylock... + + !!========================================================================!! + + Subject: Re: Has Ellison lost his touch? + From: jwk208@is8.nyu.edu (Jarett Kobek) + Date: 1998/05/04 + Message-ID: <6ijf0b$9ad$1@news.nyu.edu> + Newsgroups: alt.fan.harlan-ellison + [More Headers] + [Subscribe to alt.fan.harlan-ellison] + + BOBMORALES (bobmorales@aol.com) wrote: + > Harlan's imput slowed because of various maladies, not because he got + > happily married, for Christ's sake. Anyone who know them will tell + > you--as will Harlan--she's been chiefly responsible for keeping him + > together the last decade or so. So give her her due. + + Ah, whatever. + + Honestly, Susan *is* responsible for Ellison's decline as a writer. She's + also responsible for him keeping it together as a human being. As, + however, none of us are honestly concerned with Ellison the HUMAN BEING + (with several notable exceptions, Lawrence Watt-Evans, perhaps? certainyl + not D.J.L.), it's a valid point to be made she has done more harm than + good. + + What young master Ellison has fallen into is the trap that all + relationships serve up: complacency. People in relationships get + complacent and lazy and don't do anything to rock the boat, for fear it + will disrupt their current status of actual (perceived) happiness. + + > As for how original Harlan's work has been, you might liken him to jazz + > musician working out new riffs: Slippage contains two trial runs for + > The Man Who Rowed Christopher Colombus Ashore; + + "Christopher Colombo", "Scarlatis", and "Anywhere but here" are the only + things in _Slippage_ which are up against Ellison's best work. The rest + is absolutely terrible or just rehashes of stories we've already seen a + thousand times, said in much firmer voices. "Jane Doe #1354125" is a + good example. + + _Mefisto In Onyx_ is a depressing piece of work because it *should* be + so good, but just comes off as a horrible rendering of where Ellison's + mind really is: trapped in the seventies. Who the fuck thinks about race + relations like that anymore? + + --- + + And to satisfy the circle-jerk: C.G. Jung, Robert E. Howard and related + fandom, Thomas Ligotti, Antonin Artaud, J.K. Huysmans, Edgar Poe, + Falkner, Algernon Blackwood, etc. etc. + + Stuff no one cares about. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Subject: Harlan and Susan + From: davgerrold@aol.com (DavGerrold) + Date: 1998/05/08 + Message-ID: <1998050807022900.DAA09395@ladder03.news.aol.com> + Newsgroups: alt.fan.harlan-ellison + [More Headers] + [Subscribe to alt.fan.harlan-ellison] + + Jarett Kobek wrote: + >>Honestly, Susan *is* responsible for Ellison's decline as a writer. + She's also responsible for him keeping it together as a human being. As, + however, none of us are honestly concerned with Ellison the HUMAN BEING + (with several notable exceptions, Lawrence Watt-Evans, perhaps? certainyl + not D.J.L.), it's a valid point to be made she has done more harm than + good. << + + Bullshit. + + And you're lucky you're not in the same room with me or you'd be picking + up your teeth off the floor and carrying them home in your pocket. + + I've known Harlan for 30 years, and I knew Susan two years before she met + Harlan. I love them both dearly. Susan is a talented and intelligent + woman, and she has given Harlan what he most needs in this world. She + has also made it possible for Harlan to continue growing and exploring + his own humanity. + + The record of Harlan's work is a self-documented journey of personal + growth and commitment that is humbling. The only other man I ever knew + so committed to continuing his own education was Robert A. Heinlein. + That anyone judges either Harlan or Susan simply by the output of + Harlan's typewriter is such a narrow-minded vision that it's + mind-boggling. + + The job of the writer is to report back. But first he has to go to the + other side of the hill and take a good look around so he has something + to report back. Harlan is being true to the one person he most needs to + be true to -- himself. + + David Gerrold + + !!========================================================================!! + + Subject: MESSAGE FROM HARLAN! + From: davgerrold@aol.com (DavGerrold) + Date: 1998/05/10 + Message-ID: <1998051000150600.UAA17142@ladder03.news.aol.com> + Newsgroups: alt.fan.harlan-ellison + [More Headers] + [Subscribe to alt.fan.harlan-ellison] + + From: Harlan Ellison + Via: David Gerrold + To: Those who have posted at this site for the past several days. + + My good friend David Gerrold has responded to my request for a download + of what you-all have been saying these last few moons, by kindly sending + along everything since Mr, Kobek's comments on the 7th of this month. I + should hasten to note that even though I choose not to own or use + equipment that would provide unending access to your venue every once in + a while some "concerned" observer will disturb my decades-long slumber + (if Mr, Robert Whelan's estimation of my career is to be taken as + accurate) and launch a gardyloo that ticks my curiosity, so that I break + my own rule about staying out of earshot of internet opinions. + + Oddly, I'm a lot less than bothered by the less-than-flattering entries, + I have a belief that that is exactly why the web exists, to provide a + place for those who cannot create art to piss and moan about those of us + who break our asses in a lifelong attempt to do the job properly. Even + Mr. Kobek, who doesn't think I'm worth very much on the market these + days, who thinks--like most children his age-that only They have the + Wisdom that has fled the rest of us, even he seems to read my work. Don't + know why, but I'm am always grateful for such crumbs of attention from + The FX Generation. + + As always, I get to evaluate my own worth as an artist and as a human + being, by those who are prepared to call themselves my friends. Lawrence + Watt-Evans, Bob Morales, David, these are exemplary fellows...and + Mr. Kobek, though graciousness in clearly not a tongue you speak, you + really ought to refrain from calling those who know me better, and + who--unlike you--know what they're talking about, my "tools." Anyone who + knows these three guys or knows me even casually, knows that I despise + sycophancy, have friends who'll tell me what a loud, obnoxious, imbecile + adolescent I an (without bidding, and on a moment's notice),) and knows + that they are very much Their Own Men. They don't toady for me, they + just share my annoyance at banjo players who had a big breakfast. Oh, I + forgot, you're only eleven years old, and won't catch that allusion. It + means: a know-nothing who likes to shoot his yap off. (See, you were + wrongs Susan hasn't mellowed me all that much.) + + But let's got to some conversation of substance, shall we? + + Mr. Kobek and Mr. Farber and Mr. Davies seem utterly bout out of shape + because SLIPPAGE came out in March of 1997, instead of 1991 when it was + first idly mentioned as forthcoming. Apart from the ludicrousness of + their paranoid reasoning as to why it wasn't right there when the stamped + their widdle foots for a fix, let me illuminate the ignorance and + naivete of their insulting assumptions. The truth will be vastly less + filled with areas for them to bitch about, but it will reveal to all the + rest of you the perils pursuant to mistaking the cawing of carrion birds + for the sweet song of the nightingale. + + In 1991 I signed a contract with a small press publisher to do a limited + edition of my next collection, SLIPPAGE. The trade edition was under + contract to Houghton Mifflin--the last of a 3-book deal--it was + untitled by HM, but SLIPPAGE would have been that book. The book was + intended for, probably, 1992 release. But a number of things + sidetracked no. MIND FIELDS, which required my attention; a rather + unpleasant earthquake that cost me about a year of digging out from + under; a number of shattering deaths of my friends, including Bob Bloch + and Isaac Asimov and Roger Zelazny and...well, lots more; spinal surgery + an Susan; the depredations of a quartet of scumbags and their running + dogs that required endless hours of wasted effort in attempts to prevent + them from driving me either out of the game entirely, or out of my mind, + which depredations merely resulted in my having (What do they call it?) + a "coronary episode" and a quadruple heart bypass, procedure. All this + and much more, rather, uh, slowed me down. Sorry if that inconvenienced + you, fellahs, but if you were ts upset at my tardiness, all you had to do + was ask for your money back...if in fact, you'd laid out any in advance, + or were you just grousing without having anything at stake? + + The book wouldn't have come out in 1992, anyhow. (Sorry that the one + lone mention of it in a "forthcoming" column made you so deranged. + Clearly, the printed word Is not salutary to your health. I urge you to + stay here, on this electronic playground.) The stories I wanted to go + into the book were simply taking me more time to write than I'd + ancipated. The entries at this site that pointed out I'm always + struggling to innovate, they had it right. I work hard at what I do and + sometimes art, even Art, refuses to obey arbitrary deadlines. But by + 1994, the small-press publisher was in financial troubles and he couldn't + do the book, so I returned his money, and took my time finishing + SLIPPAGE. At my own pace. Not Mr. Kobek's. Not Mr. Whelan's. + + But, even so--and here's where your lack of Information makes you look + a trifle foolish for your blustery accusations that I'm a big fat + liar--in the 24 July 1995 issue of Publishers Weekly, the bible of the + publishing world, on page 68 there was printed, all the world--and even + you--to see, the following notice: + + ATTENTION BOOKSELLERS: Harlan Ellison's new + collections, Slippage, originally scheduled + for publication in August 1995, has been + temporarily postponed to accomodate the + addition of newly written, previously + uncollected stories. The expanded table + of contents will bring the new collection + to more than 100,000 words. Look for announcement + of the new publication date in Upcoming Houghton + Mifflin catalogues. + + Then I finished the book. And by that time the limited edition had been + resigned this time with Ziesing. By contract, I guaranteed Mark Ziesing + six months clear time to sell his limited, boxed and signed edition + before publication of a trade or book club edition that might interfere + with his exclusivity. + + The book was scheduled to Ship in November of 1996, in time for + Christmas. It came out in March, after Christmas. + + Now, let's take the gloves off, guys. I'm fed to the eyeballs with the + horse faces you clowns cointinue to drop, all of which redound to my + sloth, ineptitude, inconstancy, laggardliness, and just all-around + inconvenience to your Noble Selves. As if I really give a shit that you + had to wait three months for a book as good, and as well-made as + SLIPPAGE. But, in truth, the short and simple of it was this: Mark + Ziesing tried a new typesetter on the books and she was an amateur and + she screwed it up royally, and I wouldn't let it pass, and we started + back at square one with the eminent John Snowden of Victoria Magnetics + in Atlanta. Square one, you pinhead Whelan. We (meaning the designers, + Arnie Fenner, and my assistant, and my wife) had to reproof over 100,000 + words of copy in three weeks. Just so insulting pukes like you wouldn't + be able to piss and moan about "typos." We all worked our butts off, and + the book came out three months late. Not eight years late, from that + idle mention in 1991, but three months. + + That's it. Three lousy months. Still feel as though you're been + hideously Imposed upon? + + Let me be absolutely candid. I write for me. I write at my pace and I + do the best I can every time out. But I owe people like you, Mr. Davies, + and Mr. Whelan, and Mr, Farber, absolutely nothing but my best work. And + if that isn't good enough for you, I urge you to stop reading my work + just so you can beat your meat about how old and weary and complacent and + out of date and empty I am. Go read someone better. There are lots of + them, and I'm sure they'd love to hear your excruciatingly insightful + analyses of their uselessness. + + To Warchild and Paul Riddell and Michael Benedetti and Karen Williams and + Mark E. Smith and the several other of you whose sane responses put you + in line to be called "tool" by such bad-mannered adolescents, my thanks. + My thanks not for necessarily thinking I beat Shakespeare, or even Donald + Westlake, at the craft, but thank you for your reasoned and sane replies. + If you get real addresses to David Gerrold I'll send you each a signed + copy of my next-finished story. Not much of a gift, but something real, + nonetheless. + + Harlan Ellison + + !!========================================================================!! + + Any typos in the above are my fault, not Harlan's. (Or blame the + scanner.) Folks who want to send Harlan their real world addresses via + me should send them to 70307.544@compuserve.com. (Do not use the AOL + address because e-mail to that account gets buried with all the junk + e-mail from porn-purveyors, so I just delete it all without reading any + of it.) + + David Gerrold + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #302 -- WRITTEN BY: SQUINKY -- 12/3/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0304.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0304.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..36e8dcf1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0304.txt @@ -0,0 +1,66 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #304 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Space People" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Aster !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/3/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + after the sky fell and the rubble cleared they landed. and they + took every remaining living thing and packed them away in boxes and + crates. they put them on their evil ship and flew toward the faraway + planet that was their home, while on the ship the things broke free and + killed all the evil space people. + + but these things were evil too and nothing could be done to stop + them. when they reached the alien world they took over the entire + planet. they multiplyed and killed and ate up everything, then they + evolved and called themselves human. many hundreds of years later, the + few space people that had escaped came back to take revenge on the + humans. + + the humans believed themselves good, and the space people evil. + but it was really the other way around. the space people did not see + that it would happen all over again, for the sky was falling on this + world, too, and after it fell was when the space people planned their + attack. + + they took all of the living things, which in turn took over the + space peoples planet. of course, a few escaped and so the cycle was + repeated. then one day, soon before the sky fell, another power came. + they were the noomtas (the "T" is silent). they killed all but a few + humans and all but a few space people. they took their captives and + tortured them because of the paradox cycle they had caused. + + then they killed them and killed themselves leaving only the + flower people and one rebel noomta (the "T" is silent). the flower + people were very angry at these evil noomtas (the "T" is silent), and + they tried to kill the one left, but then they realized he was not evil + but good, and did not kill him after all. + + the flower people were very sad that the humans were gone, and + very sad that the space people were gone, and the cycle ended. they had + taken confort in the cycle, because they never died and never were born + and only kept living. now they would live on forever with only one + compainion -- the noomta (the "T" is silent) that had helped destroy all + that was normal for them, but they could not kill him because then they + would be alone in the vast balckness that they did not know how to escape + from. + + but eventually he died and they lived forever until they watched + their universe and home die and go away. and they had nowhere to go, and + they lived in a little black box asd they slept until one day, they woke + up in a field of poppies, and watched a little girl with a blue checked + dress fall and sleep... and her friends a lion and a tin man and a funny + looking scarecrow fell asleep with her... her dog not far behind. + + and they watched a lady come along with green skin and a black + hat and black clothes and they watched her slit the girls throat and, in + turn, all of her friend's as well... and that is when they knew that the + world was over. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #304 -- WRITTEN BY: ASTER -- 12/3/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0305.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0305.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d7a018c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0305.txt @@ -0,0 +1,430 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #305 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Rise of The Mogels, The Final Chapter" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Trilobyte !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/3/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + The following story is an attempt to tie the loose ends of a + bizarre series started in HOE #103, #111, #119, and #127. Please refer + to those issues, if you're particularly masochistic and bored. They + were written by Nybar, Mercuri, and Murmur. + + !!========================================================================!! + + "me ToO!!!#!" + + "mE tO0!/$%?$/" + + This was the cry of the Mogels. It was not heard loud through + the wilderness. Children did not read quotes of Mogel in their history + books, and pregnant women did not scream this at birth. That is because + Mogel, after being cloned, was repressed by science. + + For decades, the Mogels were locked in a cage at Illinois + Wesleyan University for study. Scientists from around the world came + to watch the behavior of a few thousand little buggers who were exactly + alike. They seemed so content in their little world of mazes, doors, + and electric zapping pain things. Scientists used them as an example to + show that society would get along just fine if everyone was exactly + alike. + + Each moment, each movement, each reaction, exactly alike. + + There came to be a new form of philosophy called "Mogalium", in + which all thought processes were directly associated to the completely + predictable movements and decisions of the Minimogels. Their + thought-making process, breathing patterns, movements, and all other + attributes of their character were studied so much and the basis of so + many similar reports that nothing new could come from studying them any + longer. They had proven themselves outmoded. + + Once worldly scientists stopped coming to the university and all + new books of research on the Minimogels ended up in bargain bins at + Toys 'R Us, Illinois Wesleyan didn't know what to do with their little + project. The Mogels' individual diets of tofu and ice cubes didn't cost + much for the university, but in times of increasing financial + competition between private institutions of higher learning, Wesleyan + needed to make sure that all cash outflow meant income down the line. + + So they told the scientists to get rid of the Minimogels. The + scientists, who were at the meeting, snubbed their noses at the + administration. Said scientist Jubjub, "To Observe. It is imperative we + preserve the natural balance! If even ONE MOGEL is killed it could be + DISASTEROUS!" + + The administration replied that no further observation was to be + done, and then kicked Jubjub in the groin. + + "Get a move on, turd," they told him. + + Jubjub returned to the lab and contemplated his situation. He + loved these minimogels like his best friends. They were so kind and + always wore happy faces. He couldn't allow himself to put them in a + position where any harm could come to them. Could he convince the + university to keep them all? + + He called up his friends Mercuri and Nybar. They were together + in a Ford Windstar taking a circular trek across a large parking lot. + + Mercuri: Ello! + Jubjub: Help! The Minimogels are in danger! + Mercuri: What kind of danger? + Nybar: The van is halfway off the cliff! + Mercuri: What are the Mogels doing in a van? + Jubjub: They're not in a van, they're here in the lab, like + always! + Mercuri: What was that about a van? + Jubjub: I didn't say anything about a van, Nybar did! + Mercuri: What did you say about that van, Nybar? + Nybar: Nevermind, Mercuri, we're plummeting to our death. + Mercuri: Oh, ok, nevermind about the van then. + Jubjub: What are you guys doing? Are you in a van? + Mercuri: We're in a van plummeting to our death. + Jubjub: Will you live? + Mercuri: No, we're on our way to die, see, so we'll be _dead_. + Jubjub: Sure? + Mercuri: Yeah. + Jubjub: OK, talk to you guys later. + Mercuri: Bye. + Nybar: BYE! + + - - - - - - - - - - + + Mercuri and Nybar looked out of the windshield. + + Mercuri: Wait, we're not dying. There's no cliff. We're in a + parking lot. + Nybar: I'm so sick of this shit. + Mercuri: This happens often. + Nybar: Every fourth year, right after elections. + Mercuri: Eat my brains? + Nybar: Mmmmm. + + Nybar pulled out a spoon and began to devour Mercuri's brain. + + Nybar: Mmmmmm. + + Nybar continued to devour Mercuri's brain. + + Nybar: Oh, shit. + + Nybar ate some more of Mercuri's brain. + + Nybar: God fucking damn it. Nobody's driving this van. This + is exactly what happened the last time... we're DOOMED! + + The van had left its circular path and connected head-on with the + nearby mall. As Nybar's body violently smashed on the sides of the van + his head crashed through the passenger side window. Blood was + everywhere. + + - - - - - - - - - - + + A secret conversation about a secret plan took place between two + secret people. + + "Well, we need someone whose disappearance would be left + unnoticed. but we found it. _the_ (& you can quote me on this & + underscore the word "the") most useless, harmless, & generally overlooked + job is actually _e-zine editor_," said Voice One. + + "But how can we get one of these 'e-zine' editors?" + + "Sex." + + "No, I'm not having sex with one of them just to get them into the + lab," Voice Two said defensively. + + "No, buttwipe, seduce one with sex. They can't turn it down. You + offer them a woman to ride their donkey, and they'll... they'll... kill + CHILDREN for you. They'll do ANYTHING," voice one told voice two. + + "And all we have to do is get one to our lab." + + "Right." + + "OK, let's go find one. What do they look like?" asked Voice Two. + + "Their heads are smashed in car windows and they hold spoons of + half-eaten brains." + + "Hey, I know just the place! The old mall by the old phone + company by the old computer company," voice two said excitedly. + + "Do they have e-zine editors there?" + + "I saw one yesterday!" + + "Great. Send out your daughter and get things rolling. + Seduction of e-zine editor beginning... now." + + - - - - - - - - - - + + Voice Two, also known as Jubjub, sat in a car in the old abandoned + parking lot with his beautiful daughter, named Daughter. He couldn't say + anything that would convince her to help him with his mission. + + Jubjub: I'll give you cunnilingus every night for the next 3 + years. + + *awkward silence* + + Jubjub: So I got these pictures of Nybar with only his + underwear on... + Daughter: Underwear? Is Nybar the guy you want me to seduce? + Jubjub: Yeah. Here's the picture. + + The picture showed Nybar's 16 erect nipples and the outline of + his enormous member shone through his underwear like a whale in a wading + pool. + + Daughter ran out of the car and over to the van, which was + completely destroyed. Nybar's head was cut all over and his hair + shimmered in the sun -- not because of its natural shininess but rather + because of all the caked oozing blood and glass shards located within. + His legs looked as if they were a special addition to the dashboard + ventilation system and he held a spoon of uneaten brains. + + Daughter: Hey there cutey... how are you doin'? + Nybar: Can't complain... you going to dummercon? + Daughter: I... I dunno. + Nybar: If you want to live, you have to do what I do. + Daughter: If _I_ want to live? What about _you_? You're fucking + destroyed, asshole. + Nybar: Don't talk dirty to me. + Daughter: Penis asshole vagina boobies testicles vulv-- UHH + + Nybar jumped out of the van and mounted Daughter. His enormous + penis swelled to full size and on the first thrust ripped right through + Daughter's pants and snugly inserted itself into her love canal. He + stayed in this position for a few minutes and Daughter used the + opportunity to walk over to Jubjub's car and throw Nybar into the back + seat. + + "Good job. He most certainly is a e-zine editor. This is + perfect", Jubjub said. "Let's see how they react now!" + + Daughter looked over at him and sneered. "This had better help + out whatever the hell you're doing. I think he was fucking my damned + esophagus. Jesus christ." + + "You think that's bad? Wait until we have our way and you get + to meet a full-sized Mogel!" Jubjub broke into a fit of maniacal + laughter as he drove out of the parking lot and back to the laboratory + at Wesleyan. + + - - - - - - - - - - + + "oh my god," the assistant said. "i think we fucked up." + + "perhaps this was thanks to the stolen catapaults," said jubjub. + + Jubjub had devised an interesting scheme to put the Minimogels + back into scientific vogue. This scheme went as such: + + a) Find e-zine editor + b) Clone e-zine editor + c) Put e-zine editor clones in with Minimogels + d) Write reports + e) Make money + + They had just reached stage (c) and had fears of whether stage + (d) would be reached. Stay tuned. + + - - - - - - - - - - + + "Arf! Where's Froboy? Froboy raided my GARDEN. HE WENT INTO MY + FUCKING GAR-DEEN. Froboy ate my fucking carrots. WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY + GOD DAMNED CARROTS FROBOY?" Mister Groody said. + + Spanky told him that Froboy went home. + + "What the PHRACK am I supposed to do now? That boy needs to DIE. + He ate my CARROTS. I'm going to go over to his house and KILL HIM. God + damned FROBOY. I don't know who he is but I'm going to kill him because + he ate my carrots, I think. Prepare my buggy. I shall travel to THAT + GOD DAMNED LOSER'S HOUSEHOLD AND TROUNCE UPON HIS VITAMIN-B ENRICHED + SELF." + + Spanky told him, "Umm.. your stupid black kid is going to sneak + there with you and I sent your cat already." + + "FINE THEN, I shall walk. Fetch hither BUCKWHEAT." + + Spanky turned and left down the sandy trail to the boarding house + for the Negroes. When he got there, Buckwheat was the only one around. + + "Buckwheat, where is everybody?" + + "I think this little guy killed 'em all. + + "What little guy?" Spanky looked around and still didn't see + anybody but Buckwheat in the boarding house. + + "Look here," Buckwheat said as he held up his hand to show Spanky + what he had found. + + "Frappin' fritters!" Spanky exclaimed. + + "That's what I said when I saw 'im, Spanky! I don't know what to + do with 'im. He just showed up 'n done killed a bunch of people and + then I saw 'm and he just kept sayin' the same thing ovah and ovah + ag'in." + + "What was that, Buckwheat? What'd the little man say to you?" + + "He said, 'mE tO0!/$%?$'" + + "Me too? That's a mighty weird thing for a little guy to say + over and over." + + "I know, Spanky! I know! It's mighty queer! People don't just + walk 'round sayin' none-such stuff like that. 'mE ToO#%!#' Who's he + think he is?" + + Spanky reached over and grabbed the little man out of Buckwheat's + hands. The little guy stared right into his soul. It was like nothing + that had ever happened to him before. + + "Bye, Buckwheat," Spanky said as he hastily set the little man + down on the ground and started out the door. + + "Just you wait'a minnit. Where you think you be goin?" + + Spanky stopped and leaned on the doorsill. "I'm gonna be a mega + rock star." He felt strange all of a sudden. He felt a mass of clammy + sweatness and odor around him. + + "You aren't going to be any ROCK STAR until I TELL YOU YOU ARE + YOU LITTLE WORTHLESS SNOTRAG." Mr. Groody said to Spanky. "Now you two + are comin' with me and we're going to kick the shit out of that fuckin' + FroBoy wuss until he's dead or I get my carrot back." + + The two boys followed after Mr. Groody, but not until after + Buckwheat quietly and carefully picked the little guy up off the floor. + + - - - - - - - - - - + + Something had gone especially wrong for Professor Jubjub. Even + though he added his e-zine editor, there was still a distinct pattern. + The groups of MiniMogels and MiniNybars always did the exact different + thing at exactly the correct time, or so it seemed. One would exhale, + the other inhale. One would chew, one would swallow. One would walk, + the other would stand. It was a fascinating discovery but not much to + write a paper on or make a lot of money about. + + Then he saw something magical. + + One Mogel and one Nybar were fornicating. Still doing the + opposite, one was bending over and the other was standing up straight. + + Professor Jubjub was incredibly excited. "They're reproducing! + They're reproducing," he screamed in glee. "I wonder what will come + out!" + + - - - - - - - - - - + + Two hours later, the Mogel that had been bending over took an + enormous dump, and out came a kid with lots of hair. FroBoy. FroBoy's + departure from Mogel's bowels ripped an enormous tear in Mogel's ass. + + "I like vegetables!" Froboy exclaimed. + + The Minimogel crawled into a fetal position because of all the + pain in his anal area. The Nybar that had been standing up during the + sexual encounter screamed in anguish. + + "I WILL NOT HAVE A VEGETARIAN CHILD! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. + YOU HAVE BEEN SUCH A BAD PARENT, MOGEL. I WANT A DIVORCE." + + Mogel only managed to let out a little squeak of sorts and then + farted out some blood. + + Fascinated as fascinated could be, Jubjub, Daughter, and + Assistant were rudely distracted by a fat man ringing the doorbell of + their lab. They all screamed in unison for the fat man to come in. He + brought two children with him. One child was a freckled white boy who + wore a funny black derby. The other kid was a big-eyed Negro child. + + Mr. Groody, the fat man, stuck out his belly and heaved out a + big sigh. + + - - - - - - - - - - + + Meanwhile, back in the cage: + + Mogel: Unnnghghhn. + Nybar: FroBoy, would you like to have some salad? + FroBoy: Yes! I love vegetables! + Nybar: OK, FroBoy, my dear! Hold out your hand and close your + eyes if you want a big surprise! + + FroBoy did exactly what Nybar asked as Nybar gathered up chunks of + feces and flakes of dead skin. He placed it in FroBoy's outstretched + hands and then poured some of Mogel's blood on it for dressing. + + FroBoy takes a bite of his salad. "Mmm, this is good salad," he + said. + + "I'm glad you like it," said Nybar, with a motherly twinkle in + his eye. + + - - - - - - - - - - + + "I have heard that there is a FroBoy who lives here," said Mr. + Groody as he stepped into the laboratory. + + Jubjub was surprised that the news of FroBoy's birth had gotten + out so quickly. + + "Why, uhm, yes. Yes he does. Would you like to see him?" he + asked. Finally, he thought. An achievement he can show off to the + world! The Minimogel project will _not_ die! + + But just as Jubjub was preparing to bring the fat man in to see + his life's work, a horrendous screeching noise and metallic clangs came + from in the lab. He ran in and found that a cat -- Mr. Groody's cat -- + had broken into the cage and clawed at or gnawed on all the miniature + Mogels and Nybars. + + Jubjub began to cry. He cried and cried and cried. Buckwheat + and Spanky walked over to comfort him. + + "Well, kiddies, looks like my job here is done. Won't be no + more stinkin' little wimpy miniature people stealin' shit from my + garden no more. We shall depart to my abode, now, skanky critters," + Mr. Groody said. + + Spanky got up to follow him, but Buckwheat lagged behind a + moment. + + "I think ya'll could be usin dis here thing." He laid + something down in Jubjub's hand and left. + + - - - - - - - - - - + + Two weeks later, the colony that had been wiped out of all Mogels + and Nybars was back in full swing. The gift of one Miniature Mogel + given to Jubjub by Buckwheat proved to be a miracle, as Froboy was still + alive and well. They were slow to reproduce at first, but Jubjub then + decided to speed along the process by playing romantic electronic covers + of a Pavement B-side over and over on a nearby computer. + + Illinois Wesleyan regards Professor Jubjub's lab with the highest + of respect and honor. No time in the forseeable future will his lab be + shut down. The Mogels and FroBoys and their children serve worthwhile + purposes in the community of Bloomington-Normal and their own community + in the lab room is as diverse as it is horny. + + And best of all, Buckwheat will be getting a full-ride scholarship + in the fall. He's rooming with Neko. + + --- The End --- + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #305 - WRITTEN BY: TRILOBYTE - 12/3/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0306.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0306.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0f2452b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0306.txt @@ -0,0 +1,27 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #306 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Short-lived Diary of William Ernest !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: Nuremberg, M.D., The Big Stupid Jerk" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Kreid 12/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + journal of william ernest nuremberg + first entry + december 8 1989 + + hello. to anyone who might be reading this, i greet you. at + this point you are either well-aware of my identity or completely + clueless as to the origin of this journal. i would hope it to be the + latter, but i do not think that is any of my business at this time. i + suppose it would be most prudent to simply explain who i am. i am + william nuremberg, m.d., and i am a big stupid jerk. it is for this + reason that i have decided to terminate my life. + + goodbye. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #306 -- WRITTEN BY: KREID -- 12/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0307.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0307.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b0361ad3 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0307.txt @@ -0,0 +1,193 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #307 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Sand Paper" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Trilobyte !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + one time i went out and left a note for my mom saying: + + "left a bit ago. + be home soon." + + she never seemed to notice the vagueness of this note, or the + fact that i had pulled one over on her. i came home within hours as to + not be obscene. i could have stayed out past proper hours, but for all + she knew, i could have left two hours before i came home. my note said + nothing of the opposite. it was one of the small square note sheets that + she always had so many of -- each phone message or note asking me to do + something for her was written on one of these sheets of paper. they + didn't fly very well, like a plane would, and they were of a course + texture as to discourage one from rubbing them on one's face. it was + like a potted cactus, one thing that people would always look at but + dread touching. it may look pleasant, and not too harmful, but one wrong + move and you'll be bleeding uncomfortably. + + if i had come home really really late, it wouldn't have mattered + because, she could have had no idea that i had even left because i left + a while ago but really she would have known that i had left a while ago, + you know, maybe, because she's dumb. i have to picture things, i have to + picture angels flying. angels dressed in white, angels playing ttheir + typical harps. why do they have to be playing harps? she's looking + down, down into a cloud, and the sky is dark blue. a dark blue. she + grew a beard, she is not a woman, but also a man, and smiled as she + opened her mouth to say, + + "come here, clarence. take a look at this one fish." + + and clarence slowly and clumsily glided over to the spot where + bobi had been standing. clarence looked down through the spot in the + clouds and eyed the fish. it was as if they were on a cloud directly + above the lake, and only a foot down from them was the surface of the + man made body of water. + + the fish was sick. it had been beaten on the head by a rock, and + then it became mentally ill and began to swallow sand. sand is not + pleasant in one's intestines. that fish, known as mallock, was beginning + to start to commence death. + + clarence and bobi continued to look on with indifference. bobi's + original interest in this one particular fish had begun to fade away when + he realized that it was worm-infested. them worms, they eat away at your + insides and make for unpleasant visiting with family. swim, poop, greet + mother, poop, cough, swim, etc. it showed a sign of weakness and who + wants to be weak in the world of wrestling? + + his car was an elephant, his muzzle was a faint sparkling hunk of + jagged rock. living for ages, seeing none, producing less. outer, inner, + jumping around, kicking the flesh of the wrinkled body, frustrated with + the lack of nose. it's not the nose, it's the looking towards the sky + with a sense of awe -- what's up there? is it love? is it that friend? + is it who it is... it's that one, that one that one. look back down, a + smile on the face, you have more to discover before you know what truly + is in the sky besides the clouds and gas and sun and stars and mood -- + it's the purpose, it's the reason -- and there must be someone else. + there is someone else that completes the search and you won't get there + before you die. death is the point when you complete the meld. the + union brings you to where you need to be, with the wood and the bark + that doesn't make any sense. it makes noise, a hollow sound, and is + disvcovered by the ancients -- is is discovered, but has not yet been. + marriage is not the blessed union of souls, friendship is -- marriage in + the purest form is an extension of friendship, and a marriage with + friendship is the union which will bring one group to the higher level at + the end. without the needed companion, you become a skeleton like the + rest -- but two skeletons together make one as the flesh, one as the + leader -- one as the understanding figure and one to follow. take my + hand, take it as we travel in the way that leads to ultimate state + requirements. my kidney will explode, my ancient form of liver + transplant makes for tumors and beef, cabbage, are you there? tear it + out, rip it up, drink the water from a cup. + + i wasn't sane, i didn't think right, i needed other people there + to keep my thoughts normal. when apart, they didn't matter -- what they + cared, i didn't care. i knew what worked for me in my head and that's + how it would ultimately be. i'm wasting times until it all comes out + anyway, i might as well get it over with. + + i drive my car to the lake and fall in, sinking to my ultimate + peril, but my brain does not allow it to end me. so i escape and bob up + to the surface. i gasp for air and then look about, it is dark, the + water is cold, but it had been light and warm when i had fallen in. had + i done something special or had someone else done something special of + which i was a part? i had thoughts often, i had thoughts that no right + person should have. if out in the open, even in jest, i could scare the + pants off of jeffrey dahmer, his mother, my wife, the end of the people's + life. i could speak and make your mind crawl, your skin ooze from your + ears, you hair and flesh oily like the grease that coats the insides. + it's that flesh and gore and grease that permits my plight to laugh at + how you scream in agony, you do, your black hair sticks to your body and + head and face as the tears creep down your cheeks. who made it this way? + who made this? what is this? who are you? what the hell? + + beer. + + it's the beer, it's always the beer, can't live without the beer. + it's not the grass, but the wheat that produces the beer, and although + the grass is growing everywhere, it is not the grass that makes the bear. + or beer. it's the grass that makes the sheep, who produce the methane in + new zealand, who remove the ozone layer, who kill the people of skin + cancer, and it's the grass's fault that we die. the grass converts bad + chemicals into to good chemicals, helping the atmosphere, but then the + lambs and sheep eat all the grass and then they fart a lot and then they + end up creating more atmosphering problems. the sheep and lambs exist + for our clothing, which is made in factories that produce harmful + chemicals that harm the ozone. we wear clothing so that we are not naked + and keep warm, but we won't need clothing anymore if it gets so hot due + to the greenhouse effect. if we don't wear clothing, we will sweat a + lot, even more than people having sex. people have sex after drinking + lots of beer. though not the only object influencing sex, beer plays a + large role in much of the sexual activity happening in the world today, + especially in wisconsin and in germany. if there was no more sex in + wisconsin and germany, there would be no more wisconsinites or germans. + nobody would have any more beer, and the grass could grow peacefully for + the sheep. but people would begin having sex with the sheep, because + they can't have sex with the wisconsinites or germans, and then the sheep + will all die out because all the people have sexually transmitted + diseases. the sheep die out, the grass grows madly, and converts all the + bad gasses into good fases for the atmosphere. the atmosphere is very + happy. + + where is your 60-minute rendition of the anthem of gemorrah? i + want you to bend over that table for me, girl, bend over and take off + your pants. i will spank you, for you have been bad, then i will turn + you out on the street and record your bad doings on my diary. you will + wander and roam until someone offers to give you a ride. they take you + back to their place, and it begins to be bad again, for you are bad. you + are the bad one, not i. i put on the trenchcoat. i wear the trenchcoat + to show that i am not the bad one, you all are. i am not the bad one. i + look and see the people -- the people are so bad, they do bad things to + me and they have done bad things to you. you refuse to acknowledge the + bad things. i grow my hair long because it covers my face -- i look + menacing, oh so scary, i eat anarchy and i breathe industrial -- i work + in the factory, i eat the gears, i munch on the iron that makes things + move -- who make sthings move but the poeple i hate, i move things. i + move boxes, i am a younger man in a red hat and blue overalls, i am the + world going round and the thing in the town with a bassett hound and eat + my shit, eat my shit, gobble it down it's the hund -- the HUND gund gund + gund gund hund. DOG DOGOO + + where is the great white north? it is not there, it is frozen + and will be frozen until we bomb the hell out of it. it doesn't deserve + to live any more that the iraqians, so let's bomb it too, and let's make + a holiday for the people who remember when casimir pulaski day is -- + honor the young, the proud, the american. reap the harvest of fine young + minds to direct the future of our country. feed them things to help them + decide they don't want to be fed. + + feed us the mind-mix that taste so foul, + teaching the minds to scorn and scowl, + + jurisdiction of the holy juistice justic3e + t6h8is makes xno sense. who makes sense? + [oiwhere's my hamburger? 9 -ithe face of the ancientss... thyey knoew/. + + phugner + r + + was the sound the part of their lives that made them so smart? + makingr low slow groaning noises aND SPEEH to calm people and sooth the + aching, ihgnorant moind with the things that were natural --- rather than + share, discover ------ experience and learn. + + ijiji + ij + + under the big oak ytree, i find the things that jump to me. + thery have the soul to rock and roll and beat thei strage. + + each oo + eacho + echo to the + + rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr + rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr + rrrrrrrr + + no. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #307 - WRITTEN BY: TRILOBYTE - 12/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0308.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0308.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..95955fde --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0308.txt @@ -0,0 +1,77 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #308 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Killing People" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Nybar !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Hmm... since I am too lazy to think up a plot for a story right + now, and even though the New Yorker said it would accept one of my + essay's about how children aren't taught to think critically these days + (often with the only arguement being 'That's just... your OPINION!' + man... get off the grass son.) Actually, the New Yorker just sent over + one of their editor's, but he said he would accept it... Um... I just + made it up, if the New Yorker would accept me, why would I be writing + *here*? + + Let's see, first of all, let me just say that Mogel and Trilobyte + are both no talent hacks that get off by insulting my brilliant work. + It's like... how the antichrist at the beginning of time, when God was + weak -- he fucking kicked God's ass. And he's the antichrist just for + that. I mean, it's probably just some soldier that was going Christian + bashing. Which reminds me, did you ever hear the one about the little + Christian that could? Too bad, we ate him. Heehehehehhehee. Ahh those + old jokes. Where was I? Oh yeah, Trilobyte and Mogel are jerks is what + I'm saying. Now, for the story, this buildup has obviously introduced + all the plot characters. + + On a Friday afternoon in late May, a 13-year-old boy in one of my + district's middle schools produced a list of people he wanted to + "seriously fuck up, aka kill." Several hours later, I stood in my + basement, holding the list in my left hand and a whip in the right. He + was too timid, I speculated, to put the fear of anal rape into his + enemies. He had instead decided to timidly sit back and make a list of + people he feared. Well, I would soon be one of them. But it's called + tough love, damnit! He even assured me he would never hurt anyone in + self defence. He was probably threatening me at the time, because I was + smacking him with a birch stick, so I just whacked him harder. Then, to + test if he deserved to live, I asked him about "tulup mania". When he + answered with a glassy stare, I simply gave the standard punishment of + whacking him around with a rolled up "Economist". A whacking that would + surely make sure nothing like Jonestown ever happened again. Then I + drank some bitter's, and gave a long, hard thought about his hit list. + And I decided, if someday he could make a living off of it, he was all + right with me. For then: he would be a capitalist. + + ...the screen turns off, and Ross Perot walks in from the wings. + + Ross Perot: "Indeed, this isn't what is happening now. That's why you + must elect, ME! (president). It's like I always say, umm..." + + + + "A child... is like a cake that you......are baking. Like + cakes they should be allowed to bake slowly in the warm + oven, our children too often get the heat turned up and the + time cut back. On the outside they look finished. Let me + tell you something..." + + + + "...man to person. He's not. On the inside, he's not. Let + that child bake! Which kinda reminds me, I left a cake in + the oven..." + + The Epilogue + ============ + + Yeah! And then a fucking anvil fell on his head!#% By the way, + please note that I wrote this a couple of years ago... oh yeah, I think + some pothead put a baby in the oven after watching this. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #308 - WRITTEN BY: NYBAR - 12/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0309.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0309.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..38b2bf6a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0309.txt @@ -0,0 +1,82 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #309 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "A History of Shame" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Squinky !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + UNDERGRADUATE Academic Record + + Secondary Schools + SCHOOL ONE Grad: 06/1995 + Higher Education Institutions + NEW SCHOOL/EUGENE LANG 01/1996 - 05/1997 + + Fall 1997 + Admitted Program: + College of Arts and Science + Bachelor of Arts + Major: BEAUTY AND SADNESS + A27. 0303 CIVILIZATION OF GREECE C+ 4.0 0.00 + AND ROME + Not included in GPA + V27. 0146 GREEK & ROMAN EPIC W ( 4.0) 0.00 + V41. 0301 MEDIEVAL MINSTRELS B+ 4.0 0.00 + Not included in GPA + V41. 0815 CREATIVE WRITING A 4.0 0.00 + Not included in GPA + AHRS EHRS QHRS QPTS GPA + Current 16.0 12.0 0.0 0.00 0.000 + Cumulative 16.0 12.0 0.0 0.00 0.000 + + Spring 1998 + H95. 1040 PLAYWRITING: C 4.0 0.00 + INTERDISCIPLINARY + Not included in GPA + V27. 0409 ANCIENT RELIGION: FROM C+ 4.0 0.00 + PAGANISM TO CHRISTIANITY + Not included in GPA + V45. 0866 LA BELLE EPOQUE A 4.0 0.00 + ARTISTIC EXPRESSION + Not included in GPA + V65. 0161 CIVILIZATION OF THE ITAL W ( 4.0) 0.00 + RENAISSANCE + AHRS EHRS QHRS QPTS GPA + Current 16.0 12.0 0.0 0.00 0.000 + Cumulative 32.0 24.0 0.0 0.00 0.000 + + Advanced Standing Credit Applied to Summer 1998 + NEW SCHOOL/EUGENE LANG 01/1996 - 05/1997 + CREAT WRIT CREATIVE WRITING 4.0 + CREAT WRTG CREATIVE WRITING 4.0 + DRAM LIT DRAMATIC LITERATURE 3.0 + DRAMA LIT DRAMATIC LITERATURE 3.0 + ENGL LIT ENGLISH LITERATURE 4.0 + HUM ELECT HUMANITIES ELECTIVES 4.0 + HUMAN EL HUMANITIES ELECTIVES 4.0 + HUMAN ELECT HUMANITIES ELECTIVES 4.0 + Total 30.0 + Summer 1998 + Program: + Gallatin School of Individualized Study + Bachelor of Arts + Major: Individualized Major + K71. 1085 CREATION MYTHS AND B 4.0 12.00 + COSMOLOGY + AHRS EHRS QHRS QPTS GPA + Current 4.0 4.0 4.0 12.00 3.000 + Cumulative 36.0 58.0 4.0 12.00 3.000 + + Fall 1998 + K47. 4747 MAINTAIN MATRICULATION *** 0.0 0.00 + AHRS EHRS QHRS QPTS GPA + Current 0.0 0.0 0.0 0.00 0.000 + Cumulative 36.0 58.0 4.0 12.00 3.000 + *** End of UNDERGRADUATE Academic Record *** + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #309 - LOGGED BY: SQUINKY - 12/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0310.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0310.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..25cf7022 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0310.txt @@ -0,0 +1,64 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #310 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Hey, I'm an Asshole, too!" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Teerts !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + "don't hate me because i'm an asshole" seems to be many people's + main theme. okay, they don't often say it. well, they never really + say it. but i'm sure that's what they're thinking. okay, they don't + even think it. they damn well should be though! + + it's angsty, it's angsty! + + yes yes, through my limited exposure to people i have come to + the conclusion that the vast majority of them really shouldn't be alive. + well unless of course they're just here to piss off and motivate the + rest of us. + + hah! what an assumption. + + i've gone through two towns and have seen that perhaps one fourth + of their respective inhabitants are more than just wastes of space. well + not just space, but also oxygen. oxygen?! food too! don't forget + patience! patience! they're very trying on my patience! + + oh yeah here it comes... + + we've got the bleeding-hearted "i'm so depressed, i want to die, + look at my scars!" mofos, the silly "damned [nigger/jew/spic]!" + hatemonger townies, the pretend-euridite "i'm better than you because + i'm more educated" bastards, the fake "ahaha, i like to make bullshit + conversation to kiss your ass" smileys, the sad, sad "everybody hates + me, someone give me attention!" individuals, the never disappointing + "you're going to hell and i'm not!" bible-thuper, the just plain stupid + "huh, lets play football and then go fuck some sorostitute" meathead + robot, the dear "i hate men! god is a woman! i don't eat meat or shave + my body!" tarts, the not liked "i treat people like shit and say stupid + things and people still like me" cockhead, the foolish "i know it all, + now let me make a fool of myself by trying to tell you all how it is and + often correct you on something i don't know shit about" person, the + condescending "i have more experience than you and therefore i'm never + wrong so shut up and listen, god damn it" elder, the hung-over "every + night this week i drank so much i puked all over myself and then passed + out while doing a kegstand" party guy and also the always happy "i'm + bored, let's go smoke a bowl because i care about nothing else but an + extraneous stimulant to make my body release endorphines or some shit" + d00d. these people can be very trying. + + hell yes i said that all in one breath! + + oh yeah, i forgot the me-like "damn it i'm getting tired and + bored of writing all this stuff, so i'll stop here and not include the + rest of humanity that is bothersome..." slacker...oh well, i'll get to + it later... + + e h h f u c k y o u ! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #310 - WRITTEN BY: TEERTS - 12/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0311.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0311.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6e9853a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0311.txt @@ -0,0 +1,69 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #311 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Moo, Oink, Quack, Meow" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Anjee !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + once upon a farm, on a time far far away, there were animals! + one day, the farm animals were bored and wanted to experience something + new -- cross breeding. the oink approached the moo in a very seductive + manner, as they then proceeded to having mad hot farmsex. shortly + after, a baby was born. they called it an oink-moo, and named the + oink-moo "moo-oink". + + amazed and pleased with such a sight, the cock-a-doodle-doo and + the quack-quack also decided to experience the joy of cross breeding. + they spent the rest of the day doing the unthinkable in the back of the + barn. after a short period of time, the quack gave birth to a beautiful + baby. the baby turned out to be a doodle-quack, they named the + doodle-quack "quack-doodle". the rest of the farm animals got excited + with this new trend, and not very long after, the barn was filled with + various farm animal moaning sounds. later on, meow-moos, quack-oinks, + moo-doodles joined the oink-moo's and doodle-quacks. + + soon enough, the animals from a zoo nearby heard about the + pleasures that the oink-moo's, doodle-quacks, meow-moo's, quack-oinks, + and moo-doodles were having, so they quickly gathered together, broke + out of the zoo and bolted towards the farm. the behhh's, roawrs, tssts, + tweet-tweets, rib-ribbits, and ee-ee-ee's (monkeys) wasted no time and + pounced into the pile of raging animal hormone action. the farmer and + his wife, disturbed and curious about what the fuck was going on in the + barn to make such a racket, opened the barn door and found themselves + witnesses to a violent animal orgy. however, it seems as though -- + before being rudely interrupted by the animal moans -- mr.farmer and + mrs. farmer were in the middle of having sex. seeing such hot action in + the barn turned them on as they quickly started fucking like (and with + the) barnyard animals. + + a few weeks later, mr.farmer and mrs.farmer found out that they + were going to give birth to *god knows what*. 7 months down the line, + out popped... moo-oink-quack-doodle-behhh-roawr-tsst-tweet-ribbit-ee-ee + out of her old and frail body. mr. farmer thought the situation was + getting out of hand. rather displeased with this new development (that + being newborn moo-oink-quack-doodle-behhh-roawr-tsst-tweet-ribbit-ee-ee + and the excessive amount of animals in the barn), the farmer quickly + fled to the shed to get his shotgun. upon his return, several gunshots + were heard. the mean mean farmer had shot all the oink-moo's, + doodle-quacks, meow-moo's, quack-oinks, moo-doodles, behhh-ribbits, + tsst-ee-ee's, roawr-tweets, rib-tssts, doodle-tssts, the + moo-oink-quack-doodle-behhh-roawr-tsst-tweet-ribbit-ee-ee and his wife! + TSK TSK. within no time, all the oink-moo's, doodle-quacks, meow-moo's, + quack-oinks, moo-doodles, behhh-ribbits, tsst-ee-ee's, roawr-tweets, + rib-tssts, doodle-tssts, the moo-oink-quack-doodle-behhh-roawr-tsst- + -tweet-ribbit-ee-ee and his wife drowned in their puddles of animal + blood. + + THE END. + + *the moral of this story is: life sucks and then you die.* + + [please excuse my 5 year old vocabulary, it just seems to fit + with the story.] + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #311 - WRITTEN BY: ANJEE - 12/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0312.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0312.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..72517959 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0312.txt @@ -0,0 +1,59 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #312 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Beepers" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mutter !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + It used to be only drug dealers and doctors carried beepers. + What a glorious commentary on the evolution of telecommunication + technology in our society when a plain old loser like me, who has no + need for a beeper, can actually afford one!@# + + Yeah. Don't ask HOW. Ask HOW MUCH. So, taking this wise advice + I marched my financially-deprived ass down to the store and bought + myself the biggest, (cheapest) piece of shit beeper available. Am I + happy? You betcha. + + "Hey, mutter. Check out my new motorola beeper. It fits on my + keychain!" + + God damn it. What's the point of that? What's the point of + having such an obscure little pager that fits nice and snug on your + body and is UNNOTICEABLE? I want every punk on the street to know I'm + constantly wired into the global village -- that I couldn't escape it + if I wanted to. I WANT them to know my ball and chain is attached to + my pocket and follows me wherever I go. I WANT them to know I have one + more thing that I NEED to have on me so I don't feel naked. I NEED + them to know when it goes off. Vibrating alarm?... fuck that. I want a + goddamn siren on my beeper. I want bells and whistles to go off and + balloons to fall from the ceiling. I want the voice of God to announce + from the heavens in his booming, omnipotent voice "MUTTER IS IMPORTANT." + + [I have issues.] + + So now I got a beeper. I'm connected. I'm cool. I'm starting + to talk in codes... + + "y0, 112. wuz the 411?! I was just chillin' and illin' in 212 + when this punk started fucking around so I opened up a can of 187 on + his ass. He had to 911. Afterwards we pulled a 420. Hell yeah. There + was this girl there and she was all like 69 but her boyfriend was there + and tried to send my ass to 666. Shit!" + + Not only that, but now I have to learn to interpret people's + weird codes. For instance, today I got beeped with "07734" -- it took + me about ten minutes to figure out what this meant. Think about it... + + They're also the best for getting out of difficult situations. + Just think of how many times you would have liked to glance at a beeper + and said, "Oh. I'd really like to stay, but my beeper just went off + and I have to go." Sure, you can do it with a box of Good & Plenty but + the effect just isn't the same... + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #312 - WRITTEN BY: MUTTER - 12/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0313.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0313.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a155496b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0313.txt @@ -0,0 +1,133 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #313 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Girls, Girls, Girls" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> AnonGirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Girls are stupid. + + Don't get me wrong, guys are stupid, too. But guys are stupid + in a way they can get away with. Like a 'cute' stupid. *Most* of + them, that is. + + Girls, however, *are* stupid. Not all girls. Some girls are + quite brilliant. But the majority is stupid. + + In a recent poll, it was noted that 39% of women loved the first + person they slept with. When asked the same question, the percentage + of men who loved the first person they slept with was 10%. Sure, a lot + of girls save "Their First Time" for someone special, that they truly + love, but why should they spend all this time saving their virginity for + someone who probably doesn't love them back? Because they're stupid. + + Girls are stupid for many reasons. The first is the one + mentioned above, they fall in "love" too easily. Sure, commitment's + fun, to an extent. They become so committed to the boy that they're + "in love with", that they become more and more obsessed over them. + + "Where are you going?" + + "What time will you be back?" + + "I'll miss you. Will you miss me?" + + "Where were you?" + + "Spend time with me, not your friends." + + "Do you love me?" + + It gives the rest of us a bad name! + + There are several types of Stupid Girls. There are the ones who + are incessantly hooked on love and marriage and all that crap, mentioned + earlier. There are other types though. The following is an exerpt of a + conversation I had at school (when I was in school) with a girl in my + phys ed. class one morning: + + "Sarah! Did you go to gym class yesterday? I missed it and well + I need the notes," says I. + + "Oh, hi Audrey. Well, I went to the first 10 minutes but then I + had a nervous breakdown and went home." + + "WHAT! Why?? What happened?" + + "Well I'm ok now, I just had some problems this week, that's all." + + "Oh, I know how you feel. Family, friends, everything just + crushin down on you, eh?" + + "Well, no. My family life and social life are terrific actually." + + "So then... what's the problem?" + + "Well, I failed my chem, physics, and math quizzes this week, and + I just couldn't deal with it." + + Okay. I can understand being worried about marks and grades and + all that (considering I'm a college dropout I guess I just contradicted + myself), but when you have a caniption fit over failing a few small + quizzes worth 5% each, I'd like to see what would happen to her if a + huge emotional occurance would take place. These girls perform serious + mental gymnastics over petty things. That's another kind of Stupid Girl. + + One type of Stupid Girl are the ones who die to get noticed by + people. They'll do anything to get an inkling of attention. For + example, two girls who are best friends meet up with a third party. The + Attention Girl then decides to put down and make fun of her best friend, + in order to make the third party laugh. They will act like a complete + moron with their friends to get attention, too. They will take 3 sips + of light beer and all of a sudden be 'wasted off their ass'. They'll + take 2 tokes from a joint and be "flying, man". I understand low + tolerance, but this is ridiculous. + + Also, a girl who can't ever seem to have anything good going on + in her life is a prime display of an attention-needer/feeder. + + "Hey girl, what's new?" + + "Oh nothing really. I'm going to Bermuda next week with my + family." + + "Wow! Lucky you!" + + "I know, but I'll miss the Spice Girls concert if I go." + + "So then don't go." + + "Yeah but then I'll miss tanning on the beaches." + + "So go." + + "Yeah but then I'll miss the concert, and my boyfriend, too." + + "So don't go." + + "Yeah, but then I won't get to see the pink sand." + + "So go." + + "Yeah, but then..." + + And so on. No matter WHAT solutions you come up with, nothing + will go right because "life sucks". These girls will go as far as + hurting their best friend, acting like a dolt, and diagnosing + themselves with manic depression, just to get a bit of attention. + + However, I'm not saying I'm not a stupid girl. I'm sure the + Lovey Girls and the Frantic Girls and the Attention Needer/Feeders + would think of me as a stupid girl. No hopes for the future, spend 1/3 + of my life sobriety deprived, spend all my money on booze, drugs and + convenience store food. Sure, I ain't smart. But hey, at least I'm + enjoying myself. + + Girls are stupid, guys are stupid. I'm stupid. You're stupid. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #313 -- WRITTEN BY: ANONGIRL -- 12/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0314.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0314.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8135b8d7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0314.txt @@ -0,0 +1,152 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #314 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "A Cheery Medium Pace" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> LilNilHil !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Looking out the window of the bus.. she couldn't figure out if + people were real or not. The ones you see in movies.. who stare at + walls.. make pretty faces.. then kiss. She never seemed to encounter + any of that. She was the only one looking at anything on this bus.. + there was the token old people of course.. those who had moved to + Florida to die, spending their checks as they came and honestly giving + a damn about the condition of the ten feet of grass they rent that hugs + the perimeter of their townhouse. Then there was the bum in the back, + blatantly drunk, trained so that if you even come near him he has to + slip into panhandle mode.. he's never pissed off.. happy.. grateful.. + regretful or sober. Just hopefully sad. And then there was her, + pictureless.. blank. She was 16.. and a long way from figuring herself + out. + + The bus pulled up to her stop, she thanked the driver and hopped + out. It was the Citibank building. The tallest man-made structure + within 500 miles, with the best little coffee shop in the universe. The + place was called Insomnia and.. true to it's name.. it was open a full + 24 hours a day, 365 consecutive days a year. She didn't come here for + coffee though.. didn't even like the horrible scummy muck. She came + because Insomnia was modeled like an airport lounge, the most sterile + place beyond a hospital that a kid could sit and be left alone. The + kind of place you picture as the perfect establishment to drop acid in. + She got her seat, ordered something at random from the menu and took the + things out of her back-pack: + + One purse, containing a small makeup-kit and $23.45. + One notebook and ball-point pen. + A cd-player, with headphones. + Three bottles of pills. + + "The pills.. it always comes back to the pills." She thought. + She slowly opened up the larger orange bottle and measured out two units + of Depakote. A mood stabilizer. The other pills (in case you're + wondering) were Rimeron, an anti-depressant, and Doxepin, which is a + sleeping pill. There were a few onlookers as she popped the first two + back. But they didn't really care, and neither did she. But she began + to wonder if anyone did. "Why" she thought.. was it normal for her to + be taking pills.. to be in and out of rehabilitation centers.. to have + to work immediately after school, not to work for what other kids her + age called "spending money", but to help her mom pay the bills. Why was + she being medically treated for something that was clearly a domestic, + situational problem. + + She asked her doctor this once, who told her that "..sometimes.. + depression, either manic, or atypical, can be triggered by said social + situations.. and medicine, along with therapy, is needed to get the + patient back to where they're from. Take war veterans-for example.. + world war one and two vet's came back as heroes.. but vietnam vets came + back as near criminals! Many became depressed..sought out drugs to fill + the emptiness that was never filled when they got home." + + At the time.. she had then asked him; "What the fuck are you + talking about?" But now she simply pictured the bum. Said to herself; + 'The bum has his medicine.. and i seem to have mine.' + + The thought that it was a cruel way of dealing with things + seemed doomed to the obscurity in the back of her mind. This evil + little thought that said maybe all these years she's had a right to be + sad, that maybe it didn't mean you were sick if you just wanted to be + left alone all the time, and that maybe to take a pill, to shun your + own rebellion, to work like a horse for something everyone else takes + for granted.. was really fucked up. + + She finished her coffee and exited the shop.. she headed down the + hallway. The bottom of the building was a plaza with about thirty + little stores, mainly tourism shops, but there was a music store. Which + she entered. + + Browsing along and mixing in with the scattered costumers she + stumbled upon a sign that said Soundgarden..she picked up their latest + album, she had heard it wasn't bad, so she bought it. + + Outside the shop she tore the wrapper off and donned her + head-phones. Now she was armed, now she had a shield, something to + battle this nothingness magnified by caffiene. Now she had music. And + it was around this time that something caught her eye, a sign, down the + hall. It said stairs. Opening the door and pressing play, she skipped + forward to a song that she thought suited her well. + + "..I woke the same as any other day except..a voice was in my + head.." she labored over the first few flights at a cheery medium pace. + Then began to slow down. + + "..It said to sieze the day, pull the trigger, drop the blade, + and watch the rolling heads.." + + then..gradually it grew harder to get up those steps.. maybe.. + those pills.. taking their little toll on her tummy? + + "..the day i tried to live, i stole a thousand beggar's change + and gave it to the rich.." + + it wore her down though.. it was impossible.. she looked up with + her eyebrows in the "help" position. + + "..the day i tried to win, i dangled from the power lines and + let the martyrs stretch.." + + walking on her hands and knee's now.. why in the name of god had + she decided to hike this building? + + "..words you say never seem to live up to the ones inside your + head.." + + she was gonna get there though..god dammit..she'd reach the top. + + "..the lives we make never seem to get us anywhere but dead.." + + she threw open the door to the roof. + + "..i woke the same as any other day, you know i should have + stayed in bed.." + + she stepped outside, walked to the edge of the building, and + turned the music up. + + "..the day i tried to live, i wallowed in the blood and mud with + all the other pigs.." + + she saw all the little ants crawling at her feet, and then + refocused to the people on the street. + + "..and i learned that i was a liar.." + + and she looked into the sun.. + + "..and i learned that i was a liar.." + + seeing only herself.. + + "..and i learned that i was a liar.." + + and it delivered her from pain. + + "..just like you." + + her name was sarah. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #314 - WRITTEN BY: LILNILHIL - 12/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0315.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0315.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a7e41d27 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0315.txt @@ -0,0 +1,124 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #315 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Veggie Burger Eatin' Hippie Reject" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I have decided that maybe I should try to become a vegetarian + again. + + I don't really know what sparked this. Maybe it's because, for + the past week and a half, all I've been eating pretty much is salad and + cottage cheese. Occasionally, a potato. But I think I've only eaten + red meat once in that entire time. + + This is not like me. My first reaction is, who is inhabiting my + body and WHERE THE HELL DID I GO? But the more I think about it, the + more clearly I see the true culpritsin my haze of rash change: Catalina + Dressing and Fake Baco's. + + I've always hated salad dressing; I've always just eaten a pile + of rabbit food. However, my mom bought a bunch of Salads In A Bag, and + they looked rather bland, so I thought, what the hell? It's fat free, + why not try some freaky new dressing. Surprise! Yummy! So I made my + usual salad consisting of lettuce, shredded carrots and cheese, Fake + Baco's, and some Catalina dressing. + + After the first three bowls, I thought to myself, who needs other + food? I'll just eat salad for the rest of my natural born life. + Catalina dressing is only $2.39 a bottle, and I can get lettuce and my + usual toppings free at work. And suddenly, the thought of becoming a + vegetarian crossed my mind. + + But I did NOT want to take the Fake Baco's out of the mix! + They're so CRISPY. They add such a lovely FLAVOR and TEXTURE. I + couldn't mess with perfection. Not now; now that I had discovered the + Perfect Food. + + So I ran like a bitch in heat to read the label of those + wonderful morsels of glory. + + SOY!!!!! + + Ahh, soy, my new best friend; how I love thee. + + How DO they make soy taste like bacon? How do they make soy + taste like ANYTHING? Alas, these questions are best saved for later -- + MUCH later. After a few more salads. + + But then another thought crossed my mind... did I really want to + become one of those scary Politically Correct vegetarian BASTARDS that I + so much love to hate? Oh, this is where the story becomes a bit more + complicated. I began to be reminded of the reasons why I did not want + to EVER become a vegetarian. + + Reason #1 + ========= + + I hate farm animals. I believe cows, pigs, and chickens die to + be eaten for a reason; because they do not deserve to live. I HATE + THEM -- living. Once they are dead and on the chopping block, then they + are OK. But MAN... I really hate cows. + + This, I believed, would be the hardest reason for me to overcome. + + Reason #2 + ========= + + I hate Politically Correct Bastards. The LAST person I wanted to + become was one of those Veggie Burger Eatin' Hippie Rejects. I didn't + want to turn in to Alison, the girl who I worked with at Wendy's who + complained every time someone ordered a sandwich. She really, REALLY + pissed me off. And once I go that road and become PC, what's going to + stop me from telling sexist, racist, and religious jokes? Will I + completely lose my sense of humor? + + This reason was tough, but everyone thinks I'm a hippie anyway. + Besides, I'm not the preachy type, and as long as I stay off the hard + drugs, I should be able to control myself from turning into That Which + I Hate. + + Reason #3 + ========= + + I am a meat pimp. I sell burgers and chicken for a living. I + will be a walking, talking hypocrite until the day I decide I am "too + good" for pimpin' and get a real job. + + I could live with that one. I'm already a hypocrite. + + Reason #4 + ========= + + Thanksgiving turkey. KFC. Sausage and pepperoni pizza. Fast + food. Deer sausage. Chicken and Cheese Quesodillas from Perkins. + + Oh, it all seemed so easy up until this one. I live on Chicken + and Cheese Quesodillas. What else is there to eat at Perkins? + Mozzerella sticks? + + The more I mulled this all over in my mind, the more I wanted + another salad. + + *crunch* + + mmmmmmmmm... + THE SALAD TELLS ME NO MORE MEAT + THE SALAD TELLS ME NO MORE MEAT + THE SALAD TELLS ME-- + + I WILL LISTEN TO THE SALAD + I WILL LISTEN TO THE SALAD + THE SALAD IS MY PERSONAL SAVIOR + EAT THE SALAD + EAT THE SALAD + + ...no more meat for me. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #315 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 12/6/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0316.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0316.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1a1b399d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0316.txt @@ -0,0 +1,116 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #316 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "In The Beginning..." !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> AnonGirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + In the beginning, there were only tools. + + Ax, Hammer, Wrench, Screwdriver, Screw, Nut, Bolt, and of + course, Nail. They lived in harmony in the Garden of Wooden. + + Ax was the ruler of Wooden. He was fierce, yet noble. He was + reasonable, but very foul-tempered. Everyone obeyed his every command, + rational or not. Hammer was Ax's apprentice. + + One day, Nut and Bolt were discussing the theory of evolution + over lunch when Screw walked by with her brother, Nail. Bolt invited + the two to join them for lunch. + + "Don't invite that invalid over here!" Nut whispered to Bolt. + + "Whatever do you mean, brother?" Bolt asked. + + "That Nail is an absolute failure. If he sits with us the + others will mock us for being in the company of an imbecile," Nut + replied. But before Bolt could say anything Nail and Screw were + already sitting with them. + + "So what have you been doing with yourself, Nail?" Nut asked + slyly. + + "Oh, the usual.." Nail replied uneasily. After some casual + conversation the 4 tools went their own way. Nut went to go help his + fellow nuts secure some bolts, which was where Bolt went. Screw went + home to her husband, Screwdriver, and Nail went to his small, one-room + home. He had been upset lately because he felt very inadequate to his + fellow tools. Everyone had an assigned tasks to perform, except him. + He was a mistake to begin with. While his sister, Screw was being + created, they had some extra steel afterwards, so they tried to make + another screw. Unfortunately they only had enough to make the shape of + a screw, but no grooves. The Creators could not discard him, for they + did not believe in that aborting already-made tools. So they let him + live, calling him Nail, the brother of Screw. + + The other screws did not like him, they thought of him as a + mockery of their own shape. Screw loved her brother out of pity, + because she knew he had heart, even if he didn't have a specific + occupation. He tried to screw, bolt, even cut. Nothing worked, which + made him very discouraged. He wasn't accepted by anyone except Screw. + + While trying to screw himself into the ground one day, Nail got + stuck and cried for help. Nut and Wrench came running to see what was + the matter. + + "I've managed to screw myself, and I'm stuck. Will you help me + out?" Nail pleaded. Nut and Wrench looked at each other and started + chuckling. + + "Everyone come see! Nail has managed to screw himself yet + again!" Wrench called out to the other tools. And the other tools + came running to see this display of sillyness. They pointed and + laughed at him. Screw heard all the laughter and went to see what the + commotion was about. She saw her poor brother stuck and immediately + ran to his aid. She managed to pull him out of the ground, causing her + to fall back. He helped her up, thanking his sister. + + "Look at you, you pathetic waste of metal. You need to call on + your own sister to help you out of a bind. You're useless!" Wrench + cried. + + "I was just trying to be a tool like everyone else," Nail + argued. Hammer got angry at this comment. + + "You aren't a tool. You're not even a screw! You're a piece + of junk. You're nothing! You will never be a tool!" Hammer cried. + Everyone cheered at this. + + "Please, I know I can do something! If you'd all just give me + a chance, really--" Nail begged. But before he could finish, the other + tools began to push him around. + + "We'll put you to good use," Nut cracked, in a cruel voice. + They began to taunt and tease Nail, calling him names and pushing him + around. Screw tried to stop them, but Screwdriver held her back, + telling her not to bother. Hammer told everyone to back off. + + "Let me have a go at him. This piece of junk is mine," he said. + And with that, he pushed Nail up against a stack of wooden boards and + hit him with his strongest blow. He didn't cry out or fall down. To + their surprise, he plunged through the wooden boards, only his head + showing. They stared at him for a while, wondering if he was okay. + Screw broke free from her husband's hold and ran to Nail, nudging him + lightly. + + "Nail? Are you okay?" she asked nervously. + + "I am fine. What's going on?" he asked. They figured he had + a purpose after all. But they still had to get him out, somehow. + + They studied Nail's disposition for quite some time. Screw + figured out that Hammer could use his head to help Nail out. + + Hammer pulled Nail out of the wall, and discovered he had a use + for the prongs on the back of his head, which at first was a birth + defect. + + The other tools, forever in his debt, celebrated Nail's newfound + use by taking him out for drinks that same night. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #316 - WRITTEN BY: ANONGIRL - 12/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0317.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0317.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7ef597d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0317.txt @@ -0,0 +1,63 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #317 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "HOE Supports Teleconferences" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Tasha !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + About 20 seconds after you connect to IRC, and join #ezines, if + you're one of the elite that write text files and actually join #ezines, + you will get a message that says something along the lines of: + + "conf! # - 8881234567 ID - 898765." + + Do not worry, it's not some secret meeting to take over the world, + and even if it was, the h0e staff could not takeover the world, we've all + been captured! Anyway, this is just a number to join a teleconference. + We love teleconferences, yes we do! But before you fall for one of these + innocent-sounding, multi-person phone conversations, maybe you should + know a few things. + + On a h0e teleconference, we do not talk about h0e, well, except + for Mogel, who tells everyone to write something. There will always be a + quick rehash of last night's wrestling, and if you didn't watch, don't + say it, because you will be instantly deemed as lame, or sucky, or some + other negative adjective the h0e staff likes to use. + + Then, around 2am, everyone will say "man, I need to go to sleep, + wait, let me check what classes I have tomorrow. Oh, nevermind, I just + have the class where we learn the meaning of life...and I know what that + is already...it's anal sex!" "warez warez warez warez warez warez warez + warez warez." So, after deciding that sleep is not needed, there will be + more pointless conversation, which will always end up involving various + webpages with content such as, "She failed 9th grade, she's not out of + high school yet!" Then, everyone will giggle, and go look at the + webpage. And in the midst of all this giggling, someone will have the + positively great idea to pretend they are Satan, or maybe the leadsinger + of Limp Bizkit. + + Caution: That is a damn good impression of Limp Bizkit (Kreid), + but it sucks even more than the actual singer/band/whatever. + + And after we all giggle more at the lovely impersonation, someone + (read: SwissPope) will make some odd comment merely for shock value, and + all the girls will giggle, like all proper girls do. Then, there will be + a comment about SwissPope "mackin' on the ladies," or something, and out + of nowhere you will hear, "douchebag." + + Yes, you thought douchebag wasn't said anymore in 1998, but you + were wrong. "Shut the fuck up, douchebag," "I feel a h0e file comin' + from that one!", "will it be about ANAL SEX?" "shut up, the girls are + trying to talk to each other...what was that (insert name of the wrong + girl who said something here)," "no, the other girl said that," "you all + sound the fucking same," "I smell a h0e file comin' from that one!" "I AM + SATAN," "shut the fuck up, douchebag," "the girls are trying to talk to + each other again, dude," "man, whenever I say represent I just end up + sounding white." + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #317 - WRITTEN BY: TASHA - 12/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0318.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0318.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c16a2191 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0318.txt @@ -0,0 +1,65 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #318 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Twenty Ways to Deal With Being Dumped" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Cyn !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + 1. Say "FUCK" a lot. + + 2. Throw your keys on the floor. Accidentally break your key + chain. Reflect on the fact that your key chain said "LOVE" + and how this makes the whole thing just like a cheesy movie. + + 3. Start smoking again, even though you quit a month ago. + Feel bad because you're smoking. + + 4. Wallow in self pity. Declare your room a Self Pity Safe + Space. Spend fifteen minutes making an elaborate sign that + says "Self Pity Safe Space" for your door in crayon. Tell + everyone about how you're wallowing. + + 5. Garner sympathy from your friends. + + 6. Talk about how this always happens to you. + + 7. Decide that no one will ever love you. + + 8. Talk a lot about how no one will ever rilly love you. + + 9. Decide you didn't rilly like the person that much, anyway. + + 10. Say bitter, rude things about them at every opportunity. + + 11. Tell all your friends about how idyllic their lives are + compared to yours. Harp on this a lot. Act surprized that + they don't appreciate it. + + 12. Talk about how the next person you date is going to be + better than them. Say things like, "The next person I date + will live on North Campus! And they'll be much cuter! And + they will never ever ever say the word issues!" + + 13. Talk about how there's no one to date on this campus. + + 14. Take the Self Pity Safe Space sign off your door. + + 15. Announce loudly that you are over it. + + 16. Frequently relapse into bitterness. + + 17. Talk about just how over it you are. + + 18. Explain how happy you are that they dumped you, because now + you won't have to deal with them anymore. + + 19. Tell everyone it was for the best. + + 20. Wallow in self pity some more. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #318 - WRITTEN BY: CYN - 12/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0319.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0319.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..36aa991c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0319.txt @@ -0,0 +1,95 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #319 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Girls That Write Text Files Know !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: Everything About Love" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Mogel 12/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + This article is for all the fellas. It's an established, + scientific fact that the majority of girls on planet earth suck. But + have you ever wondered to yourself, "where could I possibly meet a + cool girl? One that understands me, is intelligent, *and* fun? Is + that possible?" + + If such a thing *is* possible, it can then be safely said that + girls who write text files would be the best place to look for love. + So, when choosing your next potential girlfriend, this would be a great + place to look. + + Obviously there's the standard argument about any computer girl: + If you are a 'loser' like myself, and spend any degree of "too much + time" online, finding a girl on the computer is more likely someone you + can readily relate to. But Text File Girls are that... and so much + more! + + But, you may ask, why *text files*? + + Articulation, my friends. The text file writer spends some + portion of their computer-related time composing their thoughts, being + introspective, and (ideally) finding something clever to say. This + process is simple -- she is working on her communication skills. Indeed, + this could also be *theoretically* done through such things as e-mail, + making an interesting web page, writing in general, or even chat + (although usually not) -- but none of these mediums do the job as + effectively and clearly as writing a text file. + + The girl text file writer must carefully choose her words, and + quite often must express her thoughts to a potential mass-audience. The + e-mail writer or chat user is lazy, or disinterested. We all know both + mediums are a very poor substitute for conversation, and therefore + limited, since that is what their aim is at simulating. The text file + writer is focused on *writing*, *style*, and expressing themself. + + Let's speak comparatively for a moment. This is an example your + average HappyChat Girl. + + hehehehe a/s/l??? + + Is this the kind of person you honestly want to get to know in + real life? HappyChat Girl conversations consist of endless flirtation, + thousands of emoticons, and of course, the traditional "JPG exchange"! + Comparatively speaking, if it's between a text file and a sexy JPG -- the + JPG might (hopefully) incite lust, but text file is really what is going + to show the girl's thinking and personality and the stuff that makes + love last. + + A sexy, non-t-file girl can only impress you so much. Even + if she's got breasts the size of mountains, there's just so many times + you can see them before you get used to them. If a girl is relying + solely on her attractiveness, she's going to end up being ignored + eventually. That's how life is. A Text File Girl will continually be + able to create interesting things for you to read and (hopefully) + appreciate. + + You can also detect quite a lot about a girl based on the text + files she writers, socio-linguistically. The words they choose can + usually tell you quite a bit about their background, personality, + culture, hipness, likes and dislikes, and so on. Even the way she uses + her grammar can allow you to compare how anal-retentive you are with + the girl in question. + + For example, if Murmur were reading a text file with mistakes, + he would say, "That's completely absurd! She can't even use her + apostrophes correctly$#@!" and would immediately fall to the floor in + convulsions. + + Even starting conversation with a Text Files Girl is usually + easy. Her writing basically can serve as an ideal starting point for + any conversation. You can discuss your opinions on them, give feedback + on how it was written, and so on. Be aware that disagreeing with the + content of the text file will vary from girl to girl, and from subject + to subject, depending on her level of sensitivity. + + HOE E'zine is very pleased to have probably more female writers + than any other text file group in history. Yet another testimony of + why we're cool and you're not. Okay, that's a lie. You're cool, too. + Just not as much. + + No offense. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #319 - WRITTEN BY: MOGEL - 12/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0320.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0320.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3e692de9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0320.txt @@ -0,0 +1,170 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #320 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Same Sex Marriages" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Neko !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + This is something I found... it's an essay that my roommate wrote + for one of his classes. And yes, he intended this little gem to be + completely serious. + + !!========================================================================!! + + "Same Sex Marriages" + by Mike **** + + Greg is a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of guy. He enjoys + arguing and is intelligent enough to back his reasoning with ideas that + will only fool. Greg and I have been friends since we were very young. + I am exactly the opposite in reasoning and personality when compared to + Greg. However, I also like to tease my points beyond recognition. + Outside of the friendship, our lives are lived differently to the + extremes. My family is very religious and very close in our + relationships towards one another. Greg's parents have been divorced + for ten years now. He never goes to church and he often finds himself + sleeping at others houses more than his own. Our friendship is + wonderful, but our different ideas and beliefs lead to countless hours + of arguing on whom is right, and who is wrong. One day over + Thanksgiving break we had a rather heated argument. + + "Are you kidding me?" I said. "Gays and lesbians should never be + allowed to legally marry. It says in the Bible that it is a sin. As a + matter of fact, I think homosexuality should be illegal. Right here, + in 1 Corinthians 6:9 it says, 'Do you not know that the wicked will not + inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually + immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor + homosexual offenders' (New International Version). + + "Well, just forget about that for a second, will you?" Greg said. + "Just think of all the benefits gays and lesbians will be granted if + they can marry. I read that there are nearly 400 legal advantages + associated with same-sex marriages, including such ideas as joint + income taxes, hospital visits, benefits in insurance (Bullough 49). + Just think how much it would help these people. Besides, even though + your so-called religion says that homosexuality is sinful, it is a + known fact that it has been around for hundreds of years. So why don't + we just help them? Wouldn't that be the Christian thing to do anyway?" + + "Oh be quiet," I said. "I can't help it that I base my beliefs + on my religion. That is what I grew up believing. I just don't + understand. Homosexual marriages would be too much for me to handle. + Don't you think it would be strange to see homosexual couples 'happily + married' and on their way to living a happy life? It just seems + ridiculous to me." + + "And why is it so ridiculous," Greg said with a lethargic nod of + his head. "We didn't accept blacks years ago, just like we don't + accept immigrants from many other countries today. You might not like + to admit it, but we don't accept these people. Just wait. Homosexuals + will be common place in society in the span of a few years I bet. You + know that we have always been the dominant race, well, at least + considered the dominant race. Many dominant groups step away and avoid + conflict. This is especially true when the dominant group is + experiencing trouble in their lives. In this case, homosexual + marriage, or even just homosexuals for that matter. Anyway, what + dominant groups usually cannot act on, or even imagine, is that 'the + situation of inequality in fact deprives them.' It is not normal to + have homosexuality or similar oddities exist in the lives of dominant + figures (Miller 7). Since the legalizing of homosexual marriages is + not normal to the majority of our society, we will continue to bring + conflict upon the idea, but over time it will be accepted. It is + obvious Mike!" + + "I don't know Greg. I still don't think it should be + legalized," I said with a grin. "I now what you mean. Don't think I'm + pushing away your thoughts. Even one of my professors, Dr. Wayne + Dornan at school said, 'Why shouldn't homosexuals be allowed to legally + marry. Those who oppose the idea think it is wrong only because the + so-called offenders would set bad examples. Homosexuals have been + around forever. They should be allowed to legally wed if they want + to.' "Whatever," I thought. Legalizing same-sex marriages would be + like crossing a huge boundary, being unable to cross back and recognize + the stress you placed upon your people. I don't think my views on this + matter would be altered even if I did not grow up going to church. + Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that the homosexuals do not + hold any power to support their cause. They grow in number and that's + about it. Our whole lives we have grown up without contact of many + true homosexuals. Our society is an abode to many same-sex couples, + but why should we allow them to legally marry when we live in a country + that is supposedly "one nation under God." I mean really, even our + currency says "in God we trust." Do you even know what that means Greg? + I know we live in a secular state and we have the freedom of religion, + but being homosexual is a religion in itself almost. It goes against + all that we are as moral beings. + + Oh, now that is harsh, Greg said forcefully. Everyone has + different morals. How can you force an unproven believe upon these + people and all of us just the equal? Your religion is not the best + religion. Besides, we're not even talking about that here. We're + talking about sexuality and the legalization of marriage for two people + who are in love. You're so caught up in the whole "male" and "female" + idea. All those simple words do is symbolize how we categorize people. + We tend to experience them more than words, however, treating them as + representing some fixed objective reality. We act as though "sex" is + a word that means one thing and one thing only, regardless of culture, + and that it includes only male and female (Patriarchy Chp.1). Why do + we have to force these sexual orientations upon these people and not + let them have a choice? It isn't fair. + + Well, it sounds to me like there isn't something you're telling + me. Is there something you want to tell me Greggy? Mike said with a + smirk and giggle. Just kidding. You're not even talking about + legalizing marriages anymore. You can't even focus on what we're + talking about. If you would not get so flustered, maybe you could + logically present yourself. Ok, listen to this. What if I said that + God did not create certain people homosexual. He created us with the + desire for the opposite sex. Homosexuality is sin in God's eyes, but + He still will forgive and help homosexuals overcome their wicked + passions (Gen. 2, Rom. 1 NIV). + + Oh please, said Greg. Can't you ever rid yourself of those + fantastic Christian doctrines? + + No, I'm serious, Mike said solemnly. I guess I still value the + traditional views of family: a man, a woman, and the children that may + result from their union. So many dull-witted ideas have changed the + meaning of family. Advances in reproductive medical technology, the + diminished blemishes of divorce, the increased acceptance of single + parenthood, and especially the increase in gays and lesbians are the + main reasons for the altered definition (Brienza 12). My social + characteristics inadvertently heighten my views of homosexual marriage. + I do believe boundaries exist to be broken, do not get me wrong. When + in case the boundary is being broken by an immoral abstraction, I tend + to disagree with that. Sorry I can't see your point Greg. + + Yeah, that's ok, Greg thoughtfully replied. I can't envision + your side either. I imagine that is the way it is for all of us. + Homosexuality is something I don't particularly agree with also, but I + feel it wouldn't hurt if they wanted to marry. I guess there are many + questions we both can not even fathom questioning or even answering for + that matter. + + You're right, Mike said. We will never fully understand the + question whether legalizing homosexual marriages is right or not. I + just know that it will continue to be a downward spiral of a problem. + My religion will continue to hold its believes just as I too will, but + I guess as long as I am faithful, there will likewise be strong + believers in same-sex marriage. If homosexuals were allowed to legally + marry, I'm sure there would be many benefits and advantages as you + commented before, but I never see that happening. I guess we'll just + have to wait and see. + + Yep, Greg said with a smile. I guess you're right. Let's go + home. I'm hungry. + + - "Patriarchy." Chapter 1 "Where Are We." + - NIV Bible. 1 Corinthians 6:9, Genesis 2, and Romans 1. + - Miller, Jean Baker. Domination and Subordination . p.7. + - Brenzia, Julie. "Same-Sex marriage: equal rights or the death of + family?" Dec. 1996 32 n12 p.12. Infotrac Search Bank. + - Bullough, Vern L. "Why same-sex marriages." Wntr 1997 v18 n1 p.49. + Infotrac Search Bank + -Interview with Psychology professor Wayne Dornan. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #320 - STOLEN BY: NEKO - 12/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0321.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0321.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..356699ff --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0321.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1005 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #321 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "ARKANOID" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> STYX !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + HELLO. I AM WRITING THIS ON MY C64 FOR + OLD TIMES SAKE. THAT IS BECAUSE THIS IS + AN OLD-SCHOOL TEXT FILE. IT IS ALL + ABOUT THE GAME ARKANOID. ARKANOID IS A + LOT LIKE THE ATARI 2600 GAME SUPER + BREAKOUT EXCEPT THERE ARE NEW FEATURES + LIKE THE CAPLETS THAT FALL FROM THE + BLOCKS THAT GET DESTROYED BY THE BALL + THAT YOU HIT THEM WITH THAT IS REPELLED + OFF OF YOUR SHIP. THE CAPLETS GIVE YOU + SPECIAL POWERS. ONE OF THEM MAKES YOUR + SHIP BIGGER. ONE OF THEM GIVES YOU + LASERS TO SHOOT THE BLOCKS WITH. ONE OF + THEM MAKES THE BALL GO REALLY SLOW. ONE + OF THEM MULTIPLIES YOUR BALL INTO THREE + BALLS. THE BEST CAPLET IS THE ONE THAT + ADVANCES YOUR SHIP TO THE NEXT LEVEL. + THERE ARE 33 LEVELS. NOW I WILL TALK + ABOUT THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF BLOCKS. + SOME BLOCKS GET DESTROYED WITH JUST ONE + HIT FROM YOUR BALL. THEY ARE ALWAYS + MULTI-COLORED (LIKE GREEN AND RED AND + BLUE) AND THEY ARE ALSO THE ONLY ONES + THAT YIELD THE SPECIAL CAPLETS. THEN + THERE ARE THE GRAY BLOCKS. THEY TAKE + THREE HITS TO DESTROY USUALLY. THE GOLD + BLOCKS ARE MADE OUT OF TITANIUM OR + SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU CANNOT DESTROY + THEM NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU HIT + THEM WITH YOUR BALL. I HIT ONE OVER + A THOUSAND TIMES ONCE AND IT STILL HELD + UP SO THEY ARE THE IMMORTAL BLOCKS OF + HEAVEN. THE MISSION OF THE GAME IS TO + GET THROUGH ALL 33 CLEVERLY DESIGNED + LEVELS AND DESTROY THE EVIL MOTHERSHIP + AT THE END. I ALSO FORGOT THAT IN THE + LEVELS THERE ARE LITTLE CREATURES THAT + FLOAT AROUND THAT IMPEDE THE PATH OF + YOUR BALL. THEY ARE VERY ANNOYING. I + DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE CALLED + OFFICIALLY BUT I MADE UP A NAME FOR + THEM. I CALL THEM THE POOPOTRONS. THIS + IS MY FAVORITE ARCADE GAME AND I HOPE + THAT THIS LITTLE REVIEW WILL ENCOURAGE + YOU TO GO OUT TO YOUR LOCAL ARCADE WITH + A LOT OF QUARTERS TO KILL THE POOPOTRONS + AND THE EVIL MOTHERSHIP AT THE END. I + TOOK POLAROIDS OF MY PROGRESS IN THE + GAME. THEY ARE VERY HIGH QUALITY SO + DON'T ACCUSE ME OF TAKING SCREENSHOTS + ON MY IBM BECAUSE I DIDN'T. THEY ARE + POLAROIDS OK? THE FIRST POLAROID IS OF + THE VERY BEGINNING OF THE GAME. THE + SECOND POLAROID IS ME VERSUS THE EVIL + MOTHERSHIP. THE THIRD POLAROID IS THE + END OF THE GAME. DO NOT LOOK AT IT + UNLESS YOU WANT THE CLIMACTIC FINALE + SPOILED FOR YOU!!!!! ALSO I DO NOT KNOW + WHAT FORT DOH OR VAUS IS. IT IS A + MYSTERY. HAPPY ARKANOIDING!! I HOPE + THAT YOU HAVE AS MANY FUN HOURS PLAYING + THIS GAME THAT I DID!! THE FOLLOWING + THREE ENCODED FILES ARE .JPGS OF THE + THREE POLAROIDS I TOOK OF MY PROGRESS + THAT I MENTIONED EARLIER. THANK YOU FOR + READING THIS E'ZINE. + +section 1/1 file arkanoi1.jpg + +begin 644 arkanoi1.jpg +M_]C_X``02D9)1@`!`0```0`!``#_VP!#``@&!@<&!0@'!P<)"0@*#!0-#`L+ +M#!D2$P\4'1H?'AT:'!P@)"XG("(L(QP<*#7J#A(6&AXB)BI*3E)66EYB9FJ*CI*6FIZBIJK*SM+6VM[BYNL+#Q,7& +MQ\C)RM+3U-76U]C9VN'BX^3EYN?HZ>KQ\O/T]?;W^/GZ_\0`'P$``P$!`0$! +M`0$!`0````````$"`P0%!@<("0H+_\0`M1$``@$"!`0#!`<%!`0``0)W``$" +M`Q$$!2$Q!A)!40=A<1,B,H$(%$*1H;'!"2,S4O`58G+1"A8D-.$E\1<8&1HF +M)R@I*C4V-S@Y.D-$149'2$E*4U155E=865IC9&5F9VAI:G-T=79W>'EZ@H.$ +MA8:'B(F*DI.4E9:7F)F:HJ.DI::GJ*FJLK.TM;:WN+FZPL/$Q<;'R,G*TM/4 +MU=;7V-G:XN/DY>;GZ.GJ\O/T]?;W^/GZ_]H`#`,!``(1`Q$`/P#Y_HHHH`** +M**`"BN@TS3I+CPSJ;C3S)*3$8)1$69OFPP4^V.<>IS6A:6$$FJZ-*C'F\K_E<]&EEU2HH._P`5OQDU^&_HSCZ*Z^4Z +M=9G33=BS%J^GH\T`MLRRL5;D,%X)..=PZ5R%:4JOM.EC#$X;V%ES)O\`X;_/ +M\&%%%%;'*%%%=I:6.G-K6AH\8WR6*.T/D*8Y#L;YF.>OX'H/PQK5U25VN_X' +M7A,)+$RM%VU2^]V.+HKI=(M[F3PY?RIIZ2R)Y?V9S:*Y;+G?@E3N_7%6-/TU +M;J/3X;!8Q!+"6FNFM4G*S=61MWW0!C'KGOG-9RQ48N5^CM^%S:GETZB@X_:5 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(c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #321 - WRITTEN BY: STYX - 12/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0322.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0322.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fa361805 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0322.txt @@ -0,0 +1,120 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #322 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "How to Make Top Ten Lists" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Avenger !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + woo! how many times has it been in the last month, day, year + (depending on your level of e'zine addiction) that you have read a + 'leet top ten list, and wanted to make one yourself? well, you're in + luck, buddy! + + step 1: 'totally stupid fucking topic choice' + ============================================= + + find a completely stupid fucking topic. it helps if it + involves sex, drugs, or small mammals. + + remember: top ten lists are not supposed to make sense. pick + a topic that's totally off the wall for guaranteed sucess. + + examples: + ========= + + 'top ten ways to fuck a hamster' + + 'top ten outregously stupid things to mix with turpentine and eat' + + 'top ten things to do with a clay pot and a lava lamp' + + 'top ten things to not do with alex trebec' + + step 2: 'another big choice' + ============================ + + forward or backward? + + advantages: + =========== + + forwards -> simple. straight-forward. conservative. + + backward -> suspenseful. elite. + + woo. backward is the obvious choice. + + step 3: 'attempt to make it logical' + ==================================== + + guh. we're not little immature sugar-packet-eating little + fucks, so we need to make this relatively witty. add things to your + list that are enough to balance out step 1's silliness. + + these can include thing that actually touch with real life.. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Are you actually fucking reading this? Are you stoned off + your small, fascist, stupid, 'zine brain? + + !!========================================================================!! + + see: "incredibly stupid metaphors." + + examples: + ========= + + 'act so stupid you look like a.. + + oh, fuckit. i'll just put in an irc log. + + hmm + someone is a bit shy when it comes to sexuality + :) + heh + lemme tell you it's not fun + :) + when you see a doctor for an exam of your genitals + :) + :) + it hurts like a bugger + it hurts real bad + very painful + tres painful + don't get me started abotu what the beak did + a plastic beak + and that exam hurt like a bitch + it's comparable to someone shoving a cord up your + ejaculate opening + the pap exam + or even better + shoving a finger up your butt to exam your gland + it's where they stick a beak like apparatus up your vagina + and open it up a ways and take cells from the cervix + and then the doctor takes it out and sticks her finger up + there to examine your uterus fallopian tubes and ovaries + good enough description? + it's done to see if you are at risk for cancer + well once the beak stretches you out + it doesn't matter bout the hand size + just be lucky you don't have the beak + it's like terrible + i nearly cried + but i treated myself to a day of shopping after + so it's all good:) + why do you bother with a plastic beak, come over here and ill + use a real ducks beak + i'll pretend i didn't hear that + or see that + + yay! if that turned you on, well, you're pretty fucking nasty. + + asshole. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #322 - WRITTEN BY: AVENGER - 12/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0323.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0323.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..35560ba9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0323.txt @@ -0,0 +1,127 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #323 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Bums & The Everlasting Search for God" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> The Jester !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + 1:00. + + fuck. i was late. i needed to get home. + + "hi." + + as i turned i noticed god. well, it was a bum really, but i was + sure he was god. "hi... god?" i spoke, so happy to finally speak with + the guy. + + "yes, my son, you have beckoned for me?" god asked. + + "well, yeah, but like, i called for you a lot, but i never + expected you to come," i said. + + "well, i am quite the busy person, my child. what is it that + troubles you?" god seemed understanding, i think this happens to him + quite a bit. + + "ya see, er. like. well, where do i start. ok. so i was + involved with a girl, and i started questioning life in general and--" + + "--and you wanted to know what the meaning of life is?" god was + reading my mind. i could tell these sorts of things. + + "yeah. what *is* the meaning of life." + + come on a journey with me my son. + + wait, god, you're in my head now? + + yeah, so stop thinking or else. + + ok. + + do you see this cow my son? do you see how happy he is? + + yes, god, that's why i don't eat beef. i think its inhumane. + + well, start eating beef again, because it quite yummy and hey, + it's only a cow. + + but god, aren't we supposed to love our fellow animals? + + do you want to see the meaning of life or not my son? + + well, yeah. + + do you see this american flag my son? do you understand what + it stands for? + + yes, god, it stands for hypocrisy and hate and murder. + + no, it stands for truth and honesty, the american way. + + god, they lie to us... + + maybe i should stop this whole giving out the meaning of life + thing. + + no! i am sorry god!@@!! continue, please. + + if you insist, my son. + + do you see the universe, my son? + + i see the universe. it is a vast expanse of atoms, subatomic + particles, suns, moons, planets, animals, plants, and things unknown + to us. + + no, my son. you just don't understand. + + well, fuck you, god. if you would give us a bigger fucking + cerebellum then i just fucking might. + + i'm pissed, god. you suck. you are such an asshole. you don't + understand human beings at all. i don't think you fucking created us. + big bang starts all, fucker. + + my son, you are out of line-- + + no god, *you* are fucking out of line. you don't exist. you are + a figment of organized religion's imagination. + + son, you will stop... + + no god!@ die!!@!@#@!~ + + damn. + + you are out of my head. + + "do you have any spare change, young sir?" the bum questioned. + + hm. checking my pockets. 2 pennies, 3 nickels and a quarter. + a piece of lint. a lighter. + + "why, yes i do," i said as i pulled out my lighter and burnt + the bum in the eye. + + "ah! that hurts!@!@ stop! i don't have medical insurance!@" + he screamed. + + "die god!@@@!" i didn't even hear the police cars coming. i + continued burning his eye. + + wow. + + playing out my angst on bums sure isn't fun. + + so, god, this text file is for you. + + die, fucker! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #323 - WRITTEN BY: THE JESTER - 12/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0324.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0324.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d9e2934b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0324.txt @@ -0,0 +1,234 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #324 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Why I Don't Eat Fondue" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Meenk !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I was sitting one night in a sushi bar with my mate, Andy, and + this bitch we knew, Pat. Pat was on one of her usual vegan rants + telling us how bad we were for killing animals and poisoning our bodies. + I ordered another beer. She went on and on about how meat is murder and + Andy interrupted with a mildly amusing comment about being a bully to + carrots. I rolled my eyes and decided to go. I could only handle so + much drivel in one night. I stumbled home and headed straight for my + stash. Nothing like a couple lines of coke and a kung fu movie to help + you relax. I tooted the coke and watched the end of some badly dubbed + kung fu flick. After the movie some fucking documentary about 3rd world + countries came on. I cut more lines. Apparently the people in this + village had to let their dead rot a bit before burying them for fear of + their neighbours digging up their loved ones and having 'em for dinner. + Bunch of sick chinks. + + I watched a few infomercials until I came down, then popped a + couple pills and went to bed. That night images of flesh eaters, + vegans, and naked women danced in my head. Andy was there too. Yelling + and preaching like a divine prophet. I woke up the next day feeling + empowered, vague remnants of feeling like a god clinging to me from + dreamland. I took a few drops of acid and drank my morning coffee. As + I sat reading the paper I became incredibly disgusted with the world + and came to, what seemed to be, the only conclusion. I called Andy. + + "Hello?" + + "Andy, it's me. I have an idea but I need your help." + + "What's up?" + + "I want to eat people." + + + + "Andy?" + + "Are you serious?" + + "Don't I sound fucking serious? People all over the world are + starving. There are too many of us on this fucking planet as it is. + Nothing is keeping our breeding in check. I don't see how we can NOT + eat people." + + "Um. You're fucking insane, dude." + + "No, I am finally sane. I have the answer to a lot of the + world's troubles. Nothing bad could come of this. Nothing." + + "I guess if you don't consider having a large bald man fucking + your ass in prison a bad thing.." + + "That's why I need your help. Together we CAN'T get caught." + + "You really are serious, aren't you." + + "Very." + + "Okay. I'll help you, but if you get me caught I will be the + one raping you in prison." + + "Werd." + + -click- + + So that's how it happened. That is the conversation that changed + my life. Andy and I laid our plans carefully. He researched butchering + and preparing the 'long pig' while I planned how we would successfully + pull off a murder. Finally, all was decided except the most important + part. Who were we going to eat? Andy already had this figured out. + + -ring ring- + + "Hello?" + + "It's Andy. I found the perfect person for us to consume." + + "Oh yeah? Who?" + + "Pat." + + "PAT?!" + + "Yeah. Her meat is probably as good as a human's can get." + + "We can't eat Pat." + + "Why not?" + + "She's Pat." + + "What, you think you would miss the annoying cunt?" + + "Well, no." + + "Good. It's settled then." + + "Why Pat?" + + "She eats only vegetables, has never touched drink nor drug, and + she works out regularly. Lots of meat. Besides, she trusts us. She + will go anywhere with us." + + "Oh. Okay. Pat it is." + + -click- + + I called up Pat and invited her up to Andy's cabin for the + weekend. We picked her up from a gas station near her house and + stopped by a store to get some barbeque necessities. Pat rolled her + eyes. I smiled. Andy had told her the three of us were going to fast + for the first 2 days, then feast on the third. Something about + flushing out our systems. Hers was the only one we cared about + flushing. Thank god Andy packed food for the two of us. We arrived at + the cabin and Pat went inside and began to clean. Andy and I unpacked + the car. We spent the next two days hiking and canoeing, playing games + and enjoying eachother's company. Sunday night Andy told me it was + time. He disappeared outside for a while and I sat down for a final + conversation with Pat. + + "Hey Pat." + + "Hi. You guys seem a little sluggish. Can't handle a little + bit of exercise?" + + "Shut the fuck up." + + "Must be all that extra weight you guys are lugging around." + + She poked playfully at my stomach. I smiled. + + "You are an annoying cunt, Pat." + + "Eat me." + + "I intend to." + + She laughed, putting on her haughty, untouchable attitude. I + smiled. Andy came in and told us to come out to the shed. Pat hopped + up and followed him outside, I took a more leisurely pace. By the time + I got halfway to the shed Andy was inside. As soon as Pat stepped + through the doorway I saw a flash of steel. The hammer hit her square + in the head. It made a sickening thud. She went down like a ton of + bricks. Poor Pat. I walked up and helped Andy move her onto a + workbench where he began to cut off her clothes and tie ropes around + her ankles and wrists. + + "That was a nasty sound man. I am lucky I didn't get any brains + on me when I picked her up." + + "Yeah, I hit her pretty fucking hard." + + "Think she's dead?" + + "Doesn't really matter. If she isn't, she will be soon." + + He grabbed one rope, and I grabbed another. We hoisted her off + the table by her feet, securing the ropes when they were right above + our heads. Then we secured the ropes from her hands, hanging her at + about a 45 degree angle. Andy moved a huge tub underneath her head + then handed me a knife. + + "Now what?" + + "Cut her from ear to ear." + + He grabbed her bloody, tangled hair and pulled her head up. + Her sightless eyes staring at something not of this world. I pressed + the knife against her skin, just below her ear. I took a few deep + breaths then drew the knife across her throat, cutting as deep as I + could manage. An amazing amount of blood gushed from the wound and + splattered into the tub and onto our pants. I dropped the knife and + vomited into the tub. The warm blood mixing with the contents of my + stomach. Andy held her head up for a few minutes, her slender throat + marred my a giant red crescent. Then he came over to me. + + "Don't fucking lose it on me. We are in this together man." + + "I'm okay. Just give me a minute. I wasn't ready for it to gush + like that. It was so warm and sticky. Kinda caught me off guard. I am + okay now." + + I used my clean hand to cut myself a couple lines, and after + the coke hit I began helping Andy massage the blood out of her body. + We started at her feet, wringing as much blood from her soft tissues as + we could. Then Andy handed me another knife. Starting with my first + cut I followed his instructions and severed the skin, muscle, and tendon + all the way around her neck. With a twist and a yank, Andy pulled of + her head and sat it in a bucket. I put a rag over it. Andy proceeded + to slice open her abdomen, spilling her internal organs into the tub. + He cut them free from her body and began to remove her skin. I watched, + rapt with emotion. Some emotion. I'm not sure if it was terror, or + awe. He cut her into quarters, leaving her lower half hanging over the + tub. The upper portions of her body he laid on a couple of work + benches. I picked up a knife. + + Without the skin, and quartered like it was, I could have been + butchering beef. A comforting thought, but by this point I needed no + comfort. The worst was over, and in retrospect, it wasn't so bad. I + cut filets from her shoulders and back, and cut her ribs into managable + portions. I didn't care much for the rest so I offered the remains to + Andy. He picked my quarter almost clean. I'm just not a soup kind of + guy. The lower half of her body went pretty much the same way. I took + choice cuts of my quarter, Andy took the rest. We separated all the + remaining bones and placed them in Andy's kiln (he surely wasn't a + starving artist) to dry them out so they could be pulverized. Andy and + I took our meat to the smokehouse behind the cabin then returned to + clean up the mess. + + "Hey Andy, what do you want me to do with her head?" + + "Put it in the shower." + + "Uhhhhhhhh.." + + "Just kidding. Give it to me. I'll clean it and toss it in the + kiln with the rest. You go clean yourself up and have a beer." + + I did just that. Now, as much as I love the free steak, that + post-butcher beer is my favourite part of our weekends. What the fuck + am I gonna do with all this meat? + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #324 - WRITTEN BY: MEENK - 12/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0325.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0325.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0e4db1cd --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0325.txt @@ -0,0 +1,120 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #325 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Jesus In Your Cereal" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Ashtray Heart !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/9/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + My Alpha-Bits cereal spelled out "Jesus" once. So after that I + switched cereals to Cheerios. But the really spooky thing about that is + that then my CHEERIOS started spelling out Jesus. And making little + crosses and stuff. It just got worse and worse and worse. I mean, I'd + get "JOHN 3:16" in my cereal, so I would start ripping apart my cereal + bowls, and then my cereal boxes, to see if there were little tiny + Jesuses hiding in my cereal, like there are little tiny naked robot + Abraham Lincolns hiding out in the woods and pretending to be fairies. + But no luck. I couldn't find a Jesus anywhere hiding there. Then I + figured it was just a Christian plot, the way the Christians put up + billboards all over the place trying to convert me, trying to induct me + into the militia of self-confessed failures. But that's one thing, + that's one promise I made my daddy when I was young, I said "Dad, I + won't disappoint you. I won't turn into one of those Christians, no + matter how bad things get." But it didn't let up, you know. It started + saying "REPENT OR DIE!" And I would start talking back to the cereal, I + would say "Don't you see? Christianity DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! It's ABSURD + AND SELF-DEFEATING?" Well, so, I guess, is evangelical messages in your + cereal. + + And yes, I did try switching brands. Store brand, Post, + Kellogg's, Mueslix, Kaboom!, Uncle Sam -- they ALL did it. Even QUISP, + for Christ's sake! I tried different bowls, too -- I one day replaced + all my bowls and silverware, which I couldn't really afford, but I did + it anyway. Any way to get that fucking Jesus Freak cereal to shut the + hell up. To no avail. + + I started interrogating my neighbors who were Christians, to see + if they had done anything to my cereal. Most of them weren't, except + for the sanctimonious old bat who lived on the floor below me. She was + always making tut-tut sounds about my dress habits and complaining to + the super about the volume at which I played my stereo. I have no idea + how she even knew; she was half-deaf anyway. Anyway, I asked her about + cereal and she came right back at me telling me that cold cereal was a + tool of the devil, that it was an occult plot and that no matter what + that Mr. Kellogg had said about it helping you to lead a Christian + lifestyle, she knew different. She had seen what the youth of today + were up to, and she could tell you, sonny, it was for one reason -- + well, two reasons: Flouride in the water, and cold breakfast cereal. + When SHE was growing up she'd eaten cream of wheat, and still did to + this very day, and she'd lived to be eighty-seven years old and had been + a healthy and moral Christian woman all that time. I thought about + telling her about my fundamentalist cereal, that it had been giving me + the same kind of bullshit she gave me on a regular basis, but I figured + there was no way she could possibly know anyway, and besides which she + carried enough weight with the super that she might possibly get me + kicked out, though it wasn't very likely. + + Anyway, then I wondered if the cereal was turning into the + Eucharist, through transubstantiation, or something, and if I was + putting myself in a state of mortal sin just by eating Raisin Bran. I + wondered if I should venerate the cheerios in a big ol' monstrance with + fake beams of light coming out of it on all sides. I wondered if there + was an All-Bran Jesus growing inside my belly just for eating breakfast. + Or worse, if it was turning me into a Christian just by my eating it. I + had seen enough previously rational and sane friends give up all sense + of pride and self-worth in the name of some kind of bogus savior to know + that I wasn't immune to that sort of thing. And I WAS reading the Bible + more often, but not because I believed in Jesus, or anything; I was just + trying to find ways to get back at the cereal. Theological arguments. + I'd point out all the contradictions and flaws in the Bible to it, but + all it would say is "Even the Devil can quote scripture." It didn't + answer when I asked it if that meant that IT was the devil. That damn + cereal was driving me out of my fucking mind. But I didn't want to give + up eating cereal. I really love cereal. + + Eventually I tried to kill it. I tried to kill my cereal. I + would dump dead cockroaches I found around my apartment into it. I'd + drop rat poison into it. It would just come back and say "Jesus + forgives you" and "You're only hurting yourself." Nothing I did to it + seemed to work. One day I got so distraught I blew a hole right through + the goddamned cereal bowl with a shotgun. The blast went straight into + the apartment of the neighbor that lived below me. I had to pay two + weeks' salary to get the place fixed, but at least that bitch moved out + the next week. It didn't stop anything, but I kind of figured that she + hadn't really had anything to do with it in the first place, so it + didn't bother me. + + So what I eventually tried was, because talking to the cereal + didn't work, I bought a box of cereal and started putting pamphlets for + other religions, like the Church of the Subgenius, in my cereal. They'd + get all soggy, but I didn't care. I wasn't eating the cereal anyway. I + had switched to Pop-Tarts for the duration. I would watch the cereal + every morning and every morning it got a little more agitated. It would + call me a blasphemer, a scoffer, and a mocker. It would tell me I was + going straight to hell. It would curse me in the name of Jesus. + Instead of going "snap, crackle, pop", my rice crispies would scream and + bark out obscenities. The milk would turn brown even when it WASN'T one + of those yummy chocolatey cereals. It would start boiling over and + spilling out of the bowl. I soon learned to put it on a protective + plastic plate, because otherwise the spilled milk would eat right + through the table. It was really getting to test my endurance. One day + it started spitting bits of cereal right at my face. It burned like + boiling fat. I had to go to the doctor for that one. I kept with it, + though, because I knew that I was getting to it and it couldn't last + forever. + + After about two months of pamphlets, I woke up one morning with + an uncanny sense of peace. I went to fix the traditional bowl of + cereal -- Alpha-Bits this morning -- and found everything stilled. No + curses, strange chemical reactions, or upheaval. I looked into the bowl + and found that this morning it had spelled out, simply, "PRAISE 'BOB'." + I smiled. Since that day, I've eaten cereal every morning and have even + come to look forward to the way it uplifts and inspires me. I've even + gotten my cereal its own Church ordainment card -- when the flying + saucers come to take me off to space, I want my cereal to come with me. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #325, WRITTEN BY: ASHTRAY HEART, 12/9/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0326.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0326.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d8f3c9fd --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0326.txt @@ -0,0 +1,83 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #326 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Fuck Tibet" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Zaff !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/11/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + My attitude toward Tibet had been one of relaxed indifference of + late. What, after lightning struck a Tibetan Freedom Concert last + summer, I thought that God himself had pretty well spoken on the matter + and set things clear for once and for all as to where Tibet stands in + the cosmic order. But, sometimes, God just doesn't talk loud enough, it + seems. + + Today, during Daria, there was a Levi's commercial in which two + 'friends' (read: very smug womyn fashion victims) were sporting tatoos + on their tummies. "It is Tibetan for hello" one of them says, giggling. + And that reminded me that Tibet, despite the good intentions of the + People's Republic of China, remains one of the trendiest causes in the + American suburbs. But I sure don't see why. + + Religion you say? Tibet is the birthplace of Many Important + Eastern Religious Traditions. But, if it is religion you want, I direct + your attention to Jerusalem, the Middle East. Christianity, Judaism, + Islam--*all* very nice and important religions in their own right, and + all born in the Middle East. But you never see Billy Corgan drag his + ennui drenched ass to Jerusalem to do a benefit at the Wailing Wall, or + pleaing for the violence to stop among the Jews and the Arabs. You can + hardly heave a grenade in Jerusalem without blowing up a major landmark + of vast religious significance, but kids in the burbs don't have + "Yahweh" tatooed on their bellies, or wear "Free Mecca" tee shirts. + + I never grasped why Eastern religions were more trendy than + Christianity, Judaism and Islam. I mean, those three are *just as easy* + for half-witted kids with too much time and money to fundamentally + misconstrue as Buddhism or Hinduism. Maybe easier! Besides, as I have + mentioned before, Jesus had nice abs whereas the Buddha in his + traditional representation is a fat little bald man and it just seems + like Jesus would play better with the 15 year old girls and their + intellectual kindred who squawk about freeing Tibet. + + Maybe you want to talk about natural beauty in Tibet. If you + want beauty, though, just go a little further on down to Sri Lanka. + Lush, green forests, breathtaking hills, they have elephants for God's + sake. Gorgeous nation which is itself rife with injustice, people + blowing up each other right and left. The terrorists there even go by + the name "Tamil Tigers". Sounds like a baseball team. + + Or if you want to talk about the sheer quality of oppression (or + quantity for that matter) Tibet cannot hold a candle to other parts of + the world, especially in Africa. Take Rwanda. Please. Two tribes, + apparently pissed off at their silly names (the Hoot Owls and the Toot + Toys I think) took to each other with guns and machetes. Huge + carnage. UN is in desperate need of help running the war crimes + tribunal. Prisoners piled up literally 100 to 150 to a room. Where + are the Beastie Boys? Why aren't the Crust Brothers being indier than + thou in Rwanda? + + The best I can figure, we are angry Tibet is oppressed because + it is being oppressed by those mean old Chinese. And why do we hate + the Chinese? Residual aspects of phony Beatlemania. Remember when + John Boy got all pissed at Mao because he realized that Maoism was + *not* the idealistic utopian way of life that he thought Communism + was supposed to be? + + That's right, years later, we are still reeling from the + terrible effects of the British invasion and its impact upon our + culture. We have been pop-culturally conditioned to dislike the + Chinese, which means disliking Tibetan "oppression" while we allow + more serious offences all throughout the rest of the world. + + The solution is to ship all the Free Tibet kids to Jerusalem, or + Rwanda, or Cambodia, or some other shitpit where they are crazy about + torture and genocide. It will teach them a thing or two. Or just + weed them out of the gene pool, which leaves more used beemers and Doc + Martens and hackey sacks for the rest of us. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #326 - WRITTEN BY: ZAFF - 12/11/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0327.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0327.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..604ed3a0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0327.txt @@ -0,0 +1,149 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #327 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Crap I Write" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> PezMonkey !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/11/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + here are excerpts from my college application essay. i wrote + something like 12 total, i think. these were all used for schools i got + into, and for the most part was offered scholarships to. i think that's + probably an embarrassment to most of the schools, since these essays are + cheesy out the ass, and just stupid. though, admittedly, i read a bunch + of essays on "how to write a good college essay" before i wrote these, + so these're pretty much copies, except with dumber concepts. so, uh, + enjoy. + + for Georgetown: Me Wanting to Be "Different" + ============== + + Jerry stripped off his blue jumpsuit and stood nude in the midst + of the other workers. The suit was nothing but a burden there in the + hot work yard. The sun beat down on his newly exposed body, but soon + his skin would become tough and accustomed to the rays. He did not need + that scratchy wool suit provided for all employees so that they would be + identical machines of labor. Jerry knew that perhaps he was being + foolish by breaking the unwritten law of the ages, but he also knew that + he was stronger when not hiding behind the bond of the identical worker. + + We as a society are progressing towards an era in which we no + longer need to hide behind the bond of conformity. My peers and I are + the new generation of young people who strive to be tomorrow's leaders. + We do not need those constricting wool jumpsuits of ages past, for those + navy suits are only covers for difference; difference that was once + thought to separate, but instead is beneficial. Jerry realized that his + strength lay in his difference - there was no need to hide within the + bonds of conformity any longer - just as our strength lies in our + diversity. + + for USC: Me Showing How Gullible and Cheese-ball I Could Be + ======= + + ". . .So I just put a little cocaine on the end of my cigarette + and dab it on my gums. Look, I have to. I ain't got no teeth. They + wouldn't let me have none when I was in that institution in + Milledgeville. . ." + + As he pulled up his lip to show me his toothless gums, I wondered + what I had gotten myself into by allowing him to start a conversation + with me. I turned back around to face the front of the bus. Maybe it + was my own fault that I felt suddenly let down. I had been gullible + enough to believe that this senile, loud, crazy old man really could + have been an Olympic-caliber athlete. + + The moment had held such promise, sharing an experience with + someone that I would have been proud to say that I met. Instead, the + man turned out to be just a person, a person that any one of us could + one day become. It was in that moment I realized it matters not how a + situation may seem; it is what we make of it that counts. I looked at + Ralph and smiled. Even if all I gained from the experience were a few + stories, I wanted to give Ralph the listening ear for which he was so + obviously aching. And perhaps he really had been a gold medal winner. + + for Tufts: Me Showing What a Pathetic Computer Geek I Am + ========= + + I once heard someone describe the on-line community as a place + which causes "real life [to become] almost 'blah'," and "People you've + known for a long time [to] suddenly seem shallow and self centered." I + don't find this to be true at all. Instead, my time on-line has caused + me to discover new things about myself which I can take back to my + friends outside of the on-line experience. Every time I go on-line, I + can feel my mind open to new ideas and possibilities. It gives me new + insights to contribute to class discussions or friendly debates. The + on-line community not only gave me a whole new set of friends, but it + also allowed me to become closer and more involved with the other people + in my life in an intellectual manner. I have reaffirmed many of my + previously held ideas, and gained new ones through people I met on-line. + I made new discoveries in my beliefs concerning God, religion, politics, + other nations, and my own morality. I looked more closely at the + political candidates as the Presidential elections approached and + followed my own discoveries and ideas instead of accepting blindly the + beliefs of my parents. Also, I learned about many religions besides the + one present in my home. I found that many of my friends didn't + necessarily need to be a part of an organized religion to find faith, + God, or religious fulfillment. Their beliefs caused me to want to study + and read more about other world religions as I decided on the ideology + that best suited me. While I have yet to decide where I stand insofar + as religion is concerned, when I do decide, it will be with conviction + and a deeper understanding. + + Perhaps I may never find answers to many of my questions, but the + friendships I have developed on-line and the people I meet help me to + realize many thing that I would not have been aware of otherwise. Sure, + sometimes I spend my time with my on-line friends just chatting or + making jokes, but in many ways they have helped me to more fully realize + who I am. Though I may never see what any of these people look like or + meet them in "real-life," many of them are just as valuable and + beneficial to me as those friends I have known since childhood. + + for Brown, maybe?: Me Being Fucking Stupid + ================= + + I never put much stock in dreams before, but there was something + about this one that made it important. It was prophetic. Playing it + safe was the easy route. "Follow your dreams; take every chance," it + told me. I thought then how important it is to always always reach for + what seems to lie just out of your grasp. All too often, we only try to + achieve those things in which we are guaranteed success. More + important, however, is to try for what you are unsure of, what is said + to be too difficult or inaccessible. If you try to walk on clouds, you + may tumble. But if you don't try, then you underestimate the power of + dreams and the strength of clouds. + + either Brown or Georgetown, or both: Showing How Dorky & Friendless I Am + =================================== + + I looked at Scarlett O'Hara, Gone with the Wind's heroine, and + she reminded me of our innate desire to be friends with "bad" people. + At some point, we are attracted to people who don't behave as we would, + but we live vicariously through their deeds. The qualities that I + admired in Scarlett and which drew me to her were not necessarily + characteristics that I would have liked to have for myself, but it was + fun to be with her. . She lived for the moment - threw caution to the + wind. Even so, Scarlett had a plan was determined to carry it through + to the end. She was often selfish, but she was strong and resolute. I + saw what she could accomplish even with the conditions she had to face, + and I took some of her will with me. + + Some of my closest friends weren't always pretty and fun, + however. Piggy, for example, from Lord of the Flies was not attractive, + but he was kind and intelligent. He had certain qualities that caused + me to want to sit and have long conversations with him. Initially, this + may have been because I pitied him since he was misunderstood by the + other boys, but this was not the only reasons that he was my friend. He + was an honest, sincere, loyal and trustworthy being, deserving of + friendship not only from myself, but from the other boys in the novel as + well. + + for James Madison University: Me Showing That I Am a Retard + ============================ + + My name is Lindsey, and I am not unique. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #327 - WRITTEN BY: PezMonkey - 12/11/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0328.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0328.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c5054088 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0328.txt @@ -0,0 +1,38 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #328 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Mogel is GOD" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Anjee !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/11/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Shortly after I joined #ezines, I seem to have developped a sick + obsession with mogel. Since I am hyped on coffee and pepsi and nicotine + and feeling new and refreshed because of this neato ISP that I'm not + paying for -- I'm feeling sort of stupid. In result, I have decided to + write a neato t-file on why mogel is god! + + here it goes: + + mogel is GOD because mogel is sexy. mogel has a k-rad + personality. mogel is funny. mogel is witty. mogel is FUN! mogel + has a neat bot! mogel has a seductive voice. mogel laughs when i say + something funny! mogel thinks i'm silly. mogel is hot. did i mention + mogel is sexy? mogel LOVES people. mogel lets me write for h0e. mogel + thinks my lameass mIRC popups are cool. mogel rawks. mogel doesnt hate + me because i am canadian. mogel is ereet. mogel made me a neato bio. + "mogel" has been repeated 27 times throughout this text. that would be + 28 times now! mogel has weird sleeping hours like me. mogel believes + in insomnia. mogel loves *everyone*. + + MOGEL IS JUST DARN COOL! + + heh. + lovely! + bai bai now, kiddies! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #328 - WRITTEN BY: ANJEE - 12/11/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0329.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0329.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c4c4176f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0329.txt @@ -0,0 +1,91 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #329 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Better Living Through Chemistry?" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Kreid !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/11/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Is Prozac for you? If you have been seriously asking this + question, then the answer is probably yes. As opposed to days past when + medication was given only to those deeply depressed, today, + psychiatrists are treating more young, active, healthy people who are + burdened with anxieties and feel they could be performing at a higher + level. + + Yes. Better living for all of us through the benefits of modern + medicine. Fluoxetine (aka Prozac), if properly applied, could very + likely be modern society's only chance at salvation. It offers two + things which will be invaluable to our culture once it is implemented + as a mandatory dietary supplement. Those two things which hold such + importance for us are: 1) reduction of sex drive and 2) gradual loss of + one's unique, more volatile characteristics. + + The reduction of the sex drive and desire to reproduce is + something which, for obvious reasons, we have been gradually increasing + our efforts on over several decades. Through the implementation of + highly pleasure-restrictive methods of birth control, (i.e. the condom + and birth control pills), backed with our usual heavy propaganda + campaigns, we have managed to launch an effective beginning to our much + larger campaign of achieving zero population growth. Fluoxetine is the + next logical step in this campaign. With our population under the + influence of this drug, male and "performance anxiety" and female + resistance of sexual activity will both be greatly increased. This will + inevitably lead to an increase in alcohol consumption, which is + obviously beneficial to our campaign. Also, for married persons the + rate of divorce will also be increased, thereby aiding the dissolution + of the nuclear family and, as it has been stated in so many other + agendas, reinforcement of the national family. Prozac's effects will + eventually be nearly as effective as our usage of infertility drugs, but + will naturally be thought of as "more humane" if discovered. + + But most importantly, the sexual inhibition of our population + will naturally result in a drastic reduction of the population growth. + This is one of our most primary concerns involving the protection and + control of our population. When the goal of zero population growth is + achieved, we will be able to finally make use of our genetic engineering + programs to standardize and regulate the production of new persons, + eventually leading to the point where it is no longer necessary to keep + our population under the influence of our chemical control programs as + it is presently. + + The second aforementioned benefit which fluoxetine will supply is + the loss of self which the drug produces. Under the influence of this + drug, the specimen's emotions are most often reduced in intensity, under + proper doses. This, of course, implies a shift in the specimen's + psychic state, inevitably resulting in a "moderate" personality type. + When this effect is moved onto a more massive scale, we are presented + with a society which is obviously much more easily influenced. Radical + activity will be drastically reduced, and the population will be even + more highly sensitive to our propaganda campaigns than it is presently. + Not only will this chemical monotyping of our culture provide us with a + more satisfied and controllable population, but it will also allow our + future operations to be much more effective. Once this step is reached, + the speed at which we approach our goals of standardization and control + of the population will increase exponentially. This is why I recommend + that the implementation of mandatory fluoxetine dosage for the + population take place as soon as possible. + + I must once again and finally insist that this program be + seriously considered without hesitation. It is well known that the + support of our two political parties diminishes at every election, which + is an obvious sign that our reduction of action due to "moral issues" has + been terribly ineffective in maintaining control over our population. + Fluoxetine is a morally justifiable response to a crisis which is quite + apparently far bigger than any of our petty moral issues. The survival + of our nation and its hold over world politics depends on our immediate + action. In closing, I will say this: the chemical controlling of our + population is beyond politics. It is beyond economics, and it is beyond + morals or society as well. It deals with the prosperity of the human + race itself. Without the measures which we are morally obligated to + take on a regular basis, humankind would obviously succumb to its own + self-aggression, in the forms of science, religion, and art, leading to + our imminent dissolution as a culture and the destruction of what we now + know as society, thus providing the obvious means to an end of human + happiness altogether. Consider it. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #329 - WRITTEN BY: KREID - 12/11/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0330.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0330.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2b4720fb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0330.txt @@ -0,0 +1,61 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #330 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "I Need a New Roommate" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Cyn !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/11/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I'm living in a deadhead paradise. It's like living with my + mother in the sixties. Except my mom's got taste. + + Yesterday I was talking to my friend Wendy about what it's going + to be like next year, when I room with one of my friends, and I came + close to crying. "My room will be full of pretty things," I said. + "There will be no black light posters . . . no Grateful Dead music . . . + no potheads saying how things are 'sketchy' or 'phatty' . . . no stench + of patchouli . . . it'll be SO BEAUTIFUL," I said, tearing up. Wendy + just nodded indulgently. "It's okay, Cyn," she said, "It's okay." + + I should probably have had the foresight to write "NO DEADHEADS" + on my room application. After all, I am going to Oberlin, liberal oasis + in the cultural dearth that is Ohio. (Alums include: Liz Phair, Ben of + Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, and Dr. Kevorkian.) But no, silly me, I + claimed to be tolerant of all musical tastes. That was before I got to + listen to everything the Dead has ever performed. And the bootleg live + tapes. + + On the bright side, when I'm trying to ignore the dead, at least + I don't have to listen to her crack pot theories. The other day I had + to leave to avoid mocking the six very stoned people sitting in my room + talking about how AIDs is a government conspiracy. "But wait!," I + wanted to say, "Hasn't it occurred to you that your theory is incredibly + asinine?" + + You can smell the patchouli before you actually enter my room. + My friends have started actively mocking me about it. "Hey, Cyn," they + say, "What's that I smell? Patchouli?" "Cyn, I think you smell kind of + like . . . patchouli!" To which I reply "Hey. Fuck you." But on the + bright side, I have lost all ability to smell patchouli. And the room + smells better than when she doesn't burn incense, because then the odor + of pot and stale beer emerges. + + Yes, stale beer. My room is the beer bottle equivalent of an + elephant graveyard. On one rare occasion where I was actually cleaning, + I moved a chair and found two six packs of empty beer bottles that had + been there apparently for months. Beer bottles linger in our room for + days, weeks even. Sometimes I give in and take them out for her. I + think she believes that the Beer Bottle Fairy comes and takes them away. + Or maybe she thinks someone stole them. For all I know, she's saving + them to build a house or something. + + On a positive note, the black light poster did come down, after + she failed in her attempt to affix it to the ceiling. + + Only a semester to go. And then my room is a hippy-free zone. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #330 - WRITTEN BY: CYN - 12/11/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0331.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0331.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9a3501b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0331.txt @@ -0,0 +1,83 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #331 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Regarding Webster" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mogel !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/11/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + We may remember Emmanuel Lewis on the clever ABC sitcom "Webster", + however, do you remember the the absolute TORTURE that this POOR BOY + experienced? You probably don't -- you were busy laughing at the "cute" + antics, however, Webster's story is the story of complete mockery. + Here's the truth: Webster was not, in fact, a boy at all! + + Emmanuel Lewis is an adult midget. His growth was completely + stunted, and ever since the age of 12, he has basically looked the same. + "The same" being the appearance of being a small child. Rather than + speculate the possible "other, dark life" of Emmanuel Lewis, which would + probably be far more interesting than what I'm going to write here, I + would just like to say that Emmanuel Lewis must be so fucked up. + + Can you imagine the kind of ridicule and abuse that he has put up + with his entire life? Imagine it: here you are, a grown man, with the + appearance of a small child. Every day of your life, you must wake up + in the morning and deal with the world knowing that you are, in fact, + physically stuck at the size of a small child, at 3" 4'. + + The fucked up part is the fact that he did the television show, + though. What mockery! Can you imagine the executives at ABC trying + to pitch this to him? + + "We've got this great part for you. You get to play a child! + We feel that you'd be perfect for the part, because you RESEMBLE THE + SIZE OF A SMALL CHILD." + + He went on television for years, fooling quite a number of people + into believing that he was, in fact, a small child. Because he looks + just like one! Every action that Webster would have to make on the show + would be an absolute mockery. + + "Here's your lunchbox, MAN WHO RESEMBLES A SMALL CHILD." + + "Isn't the MAN WHO RESEMBLES A SMALL CHILD cute drawing in his + coloring book?" + + "It's time to take a bath, MAN WHO RESEMBLES A SMALL CHILD." + + George Papadapolis, if there is a Hell, you'll see Trent there. + I leave you now with the lyrics to the Webster Theme Song. The irony is + there, and it stings. + + "Set in my ways + losing track of the days + Only me to live for. + Had no need to give more + Than I wanted to. + + Spending my time + just holding the line + Never getting caught up. + Love was never brought up + It's not the thing to do. + + It was you, + Then came you. + You made me leap without taking a look. + It was you, + Then came you. + You reeled me right in line, sinker, and hook. + Never thought forever was the best I could do. + + Then came you. + It was you + Then came you. + It was you. + Me and you. + Then came you." + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS #331 - WRITTEN BY: MOGEL - 12/11/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0332.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0332.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7018cdde --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0332.txt @@ -0,0 +1,64 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #332 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "It's JUICE!" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> AnonGirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/11/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Being a girl always trying to find new forms of "mind expansion", + I tend to seek out different forms of mind altering substances a lot. I + like to try new things. Sometimes ones that aren't even harmful to the + health. Most of the time, yes, the substances I stumble upon are + illegal, but hey, who gives a shit? + + One hot afternoon, I found myself in serious need of liquids. My + mouth had been terribly dry, not just from the heat, and I felt like I + was going to DIE if I didn't get something to drink, fast. I dragged + myself to the nearest convenience store and headed straight for the + drinks section. I decided I wasn't in a Coke mood, so I checked out the + fruit juices. + + Looking through the glass, I began to get paranoid. Funky-labeled + bottles of drinks called "uVo" and "Fruitopia" were staring back at me. + I started wondering if the juices were related to my state of mind. + Names such as "Pink Lemonade Euphoria", "Tangerine Wavelength" and + "Random Architecture of Grape Strawberry Nubility" were all written on + the labels, describing the flavour of the drink. I grabbed a "Fruit + Punch Orgy" and headed for the cash, completely confused. I asked the + cashier if the label actually said "Fruit Punch Orgy", just to be sure I + wasn't completely out of my mind. She assured me that the label in fact + read "Fruit Punch Orgy". I downed my Fruit Punch Orgy and quenched my + undying thirst. I didn't experience any sort of group sex, but I wasn't + thirsty anymore. + + The next day, in a more clear-headed state of mind, I went back to + the store to make sure I didn't hallucinate the trippy juice names. + Surely enough, the names remained the same. I bought a "Pink Lemonade + Euphoria" for kicks, and discovered that it was just Pink Lemonade. I + didn't trip out into some crazy high where everywhere I looked was a + kaleidoscope of fruits and crazy harps playing everywhere with angels + floating around singing. Sure it tasted good, but it was nothing close + to euphoric! + + Over time I tried to understand better this wave of "Fruit + Awareness". I wanted to try Aunty Goethe's Peachy-Mango Love Pain, but I + didn't know who this Aunty Goethe was and what kind of pain she'd be + into. So I went with "Passion Fruit Awareness". Again, I didn't become + One with the Juice, it didn't take me to a higher state of being, and I + certainly wasn't taken into some awesome euphoria. + + After trying several different Intuitions, Euphorias, Orgies and + Confusions, I realized that these were all just plain fruit drinks with + fUnKy NaMeS. They were tangy and fruity yes, but they were no different + than any other fruit drink I've had. + + So. Maybe once people start becoming more Advertizing-Scam + Alert, and less Aware of the passion fruit, they'll realize that they've + all been had. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #332 - WRITTEN BY: ANONGIRL - 12/11/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0333.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0333.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..355f1381 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0333.txt @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #333 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Are You Man Enough?" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Nybar !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/11/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Sometimes, when I am sitting all alone, I can feel it. I can feel + the urge to write a sappy memoir piece. Just kidding. My real urge, and + my prior comment brings me to this, is to kill my litery arts teacher. + He is a worse then a buffoon, worse then a dunce in every way + imagineable: he actually thinks he comprehends what he daily "teaches"! + + And with such beura.. ah but no one cares about my fucking + professor. This almost turned into a rant. Why I'm really here, is to + tell you to buy condoms. The big kind. You see, when you've got a + horse of a cock like I do, you really do need some huge rubbers to fit + the bill. And here at NybarTech Condoms, Inc. [TM], we make sure that + "one size fits all!" Here's our latest moment. (at this point Nybar + withdraws a gaping 16 foot expanse of rubber, looking not unlike a + stripped-down kiddy swimming pool, from his pants. Not his pants + pocket.) + + "Ya see, here at Nybar-can'trememberthename-condoms, we have + commitment. Not just to makin' sure ol' man semen don't get through ta + ol' lady vagina, but to the FAMILY!" (at this juncture, a gawky, + redcheeked lad steps into our readin'-vision. He gives the thumbs up) + + Lad: "That's right unky nybaR!" + + Nybar "AWwwwwww..." nybar affectionatly places the condom over the + boy's head, it falls over his whole body. + + Lad "Gwklahh! What's this liquid!" + + Nybar "Whoops!" + + (then Lion-o, the boy, Nybar, and the rest of the Thundercats heartily + laugh.) + + Nybars grinning face appears as the logo, which the words + "Nybar's Condom Challenge: Are YOU Man Enough?" underneath. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #333 - WRITTEN BY: NYBAR - 12/11/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0334.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0334.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1dc510c0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0334.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1218 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #334 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "A LOT OF BAD THINGS I'VE DONE" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Squinky !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/11/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk, kids, let me try and set the stage for you. + At some point during my modem LIFESTYLE, I became a buffer addict. I + buffered a lot of stuff. + + This period mainly dates from around 1993-1995, but there is + stuff from either side in here. + + The first example here comes from a friend of mine, Daver, who + has been all too kind with allowing me access to various things, when + he knows that I intentionally get myself into all sorts of trouble. + + However, this particular trouble wasn't even something I was + looking for. I posted a message to misc.writing, asking for + information on the copyright laws, and some people freaked out. + + See, my Real Name Field at the time was: "DJ ZYKLON B". + + Well anyway, here goes; + + [Begin Buffer] + + >From bigboote.WPI.EDU!tmok2.tmok.com!root Tue Jan 24 02:29:16 1995 + Path: bigboote.WPI.EDU!tmok2.tmok.com!root + From: root@tmok2.tmok.com (Dave Costantino [TMoK Admin]) + Newsgroups: misc.writing,soc.culture.jewish + Subject: Re: Copyright + Date: 21 Jan 1995 09:41:02 GMT + Organization: The Ministry of Knowledge BBS, Site 2 [Worcester, MA] + Lines: 20 + Message-ID: <3fqkre$cro@bigboote.WPI.EDU> + References: <3fm2c8$sai@netaxs.com> <3fmjfq$feh@newsbf02.news.aol.com> + NNTP-Posting-Host: tmok.res.wpi.edu + X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] + Xref: bigboote.WPI.EDU misc.writing:39117 soc.culture.jewish:130169 + + Hello there... + + I would like to publically apologize for the behavior of a user here. + He posted as squinky@tmok.res.wpi.edu, using an offensive name which + you have have no doubt seen and which I will not repeat. + + The user has had his news access revoked and has been thoroughly + reprimanded for his behavior. I would like to emphasize that this user + in no way represents myself, TMoK Information Systems, or WPI. + + Obviously, certain people lack any type of common decency or respect. + Alas, there really isn't much one can do about these type of people. + + -> Dave Costantino + Sysop, TMoK BBS + daver@tmok.res.wpi.edu + daver@wpi.edu + + [End Buffer] + + Here's a little something I don't even remember, but I sure do + like my ASCII American Flag signature, and this guy's response is pretty + amusing. + + However, I would like to point out that I think Christ-baiting + is pretty pathetic now. + + At least I can evolve. + + [Begin Buffer] + + [Message #270] + Path: tmok!paperboy.ids.net!uunet!xn.ll.mit.edu!noc.near.net!howland. + reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!news.unt.edu!COBA229C.coba.unt.edu!springst + From: springst@cobaf.unt.edu (Springstube, Woodard) + Newsgroups: alt.christnet + Subject: Re: fry + Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 22:28:09 GMT + Organization: College of Business Administration, UNT + Lines: 63 + Message-ID: + References: <1994Jul1.061808.8874@tmok.com> + NNTP-Posting-Host: coba229c.coba.unt.edu + + In article <1994Jul1.0618@tmok.com> squinky@tmok.com (Squinky Q. Maggot) + writes: + >From: squinky@tmok.com (Squinky Q. Maggot) + >Subject: fry + >Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 06:18:08 GMT + + > + >Hello, I was wondering if any of you would be intrested in the lastest + >model of: + > + > Jesus Lubricant + > + >Yes, friends, your messiah, and mine, has endorsed a extra-thick, + >water-based lubricant! Just the right stuff for lubing up those assholes + >of young little innocent choir boys, in the backroom of the rectory! + > + >Extra-thick so it sticks to the inside of the crevice, but amazing, + >still lubricants better than all oil-based lubricants, and most other + >water-based lubricants. + > + >And since it's water-based, it won't break down latex condoms, which + >means you can safely take advantage of minors! + > + >Our special formula of love, Godhood, and water makes this lubricant + >the product to buy! + > + >Just remember our motto, friends: + > + >"It may be illegal, but with Jesus Lubricant on your side, it's no + >longer immoral!" + > + > + >-------------------------------------------------- + >|* * * * * |______________________________________| + >| * * * * |______________________________________| + >|* * * * * |______________________________________| + >| * * * * |______________________________________| + >|* * * * * |______________________________________| + >-----------|______________________________________| + >|_________________________________________________| + >|_________________________________________________| + > + >Squinky Q. Maggot - A real American + >squinky@tmok.com + + Do you really hope to destroy this newsgroup by posting such tripe as + this? It seems that that is your intent. I think that you want to + suppress alt.christnet and eliminate any christian use of the net by + making the net inhospitable to ANYONE who disagrees with DIVINE YOU! + This is absolutely reprehensible. + + BTW, I think that any clergyman who misueses his influence to seduce + little boys deserves to get the chair (electric, that is). Certainly, + he should be prevented from further contact with boys. Such behavior is + illegal in every state, and incidents should be prosecuted to the full + extent of the law, provided that evidence truly exists (i.e., not + manufactured by an ambitious prosecutor seeking to win a high=profile + case for personal political gain). Any denomination that shields a + member of its clergy from the legal consequences of misbehavior is also + engaging in behavior of the most dastardly type. Forgivness does not + mean that we condone or shield child molesters. + + Usual disclaimers apply. + + [End Buffer] + + No idea what I said about this guy's brother, but I like the + fact that he spells 'hurt' wrong in it: + + [Begin Buffer] + + Date: 5:18 pm Fri Nov 5, 1993 Number : 1 of 4 + From: Biohazard Base : Private Mail + To : Squinky Refer #: None + Subj: Re: rocky horror picture show Replies: None + Stat: Normal Origin : Local + + I saw you on the bourd, what you said about brother. If I see you say + something about my brother I will hert you bad!!!! + + Read mail (?=Help) : R + + [End Buffer] + + Here's a fellow who is quite upset with my CoSysop Powers: + + [Begin Buffer] + + >From buster Wed, 21 Apr 93 17:28:06 EST + Received: tmok.UUCP (V1.16/Amiga) id AA00000; Wed, 21 Apr 93 17:28:06 EST + Date: Wed, 21 Apr 93 17:28:06 EST + Message-Id: <9304212228.AA00cup@tmok.UUCP> + From: buster@tmok.UUCP (Buster) + To: squinky_q._maggot@tmok.UUCP + Subject: What is your prob. + + Hey squinky dick ya wanna tell me why you fucking locked me (Mr. Death) + out you FUCK...This bbs will be boycotted by EVERY FUCKING PERSON YOU + LOCKED OUT..... see and when davah return's CoSysop you will be no more + unless you givve ME AND JAQUIO!!! UNDERSTAND I WILL BOYCOTT THIS BAWD + ON E V E R Y MAJOR BAWD !!!!!!!! + + [End Buffer] + + Oh, no, all the people who I locked out are going to boycott + the BBS. + + Gosh. + + Apparently Edward Zartler hates my ass: + + [Begin Buffer] + + zartler@a.chem.upenn.edu (Edward Zartler at University of Pennsylvania) + + Squinky you worthless piece of shit, you think you're soooo smart + bring you best intellectual gambit, I will parry it like the fly you are. + + King's knight one to Bishop's level three. Knight levels pawn. + + There's my opening ploy: What's yours??????? + + Z + + [End Buffer] + + Here's that flag making a quoted reappearance: + + [Begin Buffer] + + [Message #735] + Newsgroups: alt.christnet + Path: tmok!paperboy.ids.net!uunet!nntp.cadence.com!NewsWatcher!user + From: priebe@cadence.com (Kathy Priebe) + Subject: Re: ads + Message-ID: + Followup-To: alt.christnet + Sender: news@Cadence.COM + Nntp-Posting-Host: 158.140.20.209 + Organization: These opinions are my own and do not reflect + Cadence Design Systems, Inc. + References: <1994Jul9.164421.2626@tmok.com> + Date: Thu, 14 Jul 1994 16:25:19 GMT + Lines: 37 + + YOU GUYS ARE TOTALLY WEIRD!!!!!! + I would not feel safe being YOUR neighbor, especially when my little + nieces and nephews were around! + + ALSO...you still did not answer my questions......What's the point of + these postings? Are you trying to make people angry, or make them laugh + or is there some kind of hidden message or something......WHAT'S THE + DEAL? + + In article <1994Jul12.052452.1868@tmok.com>, squinky@tmok.com (Squinky Q. + Maggot) wrote: + + > > Sweeeet Jesus! Mother of God!@# That must be some type of disease + > > around here... + > + > I'm so ashamed. + > + > I like to have big priest cock shoved up my puckered little asshole, + > in the backroom of the rectory. + > + > -------------------------------------------------- + > |* * * * * |______________________________________| + > | * * * * |______________________________________| + > |* * * * * |______________________________________| + > | * * * * |______________________________________| + > |* * * * * |______________________________________| + > -----------|______________________________________| + > |_________________________________________________| + > |_________________________________________________| + > + > Squinky Q. Maggot - A real American + > squinky@tmok.com + + -- + Kathy Priebe + + [End Buffer] + + Hahahhaha. You'll be seeing references to both a guy named + Mike Labbe and his BBS, the Eagle's Nest a lot in this file, so here's + a quick run down. Mike Labbe was your prototypical BBS child molestor. + He literally got caught, arrested, and convicted of molesting two boys. + He never did any jail time and his BBS never went down. We were great + enemies. + + (Not because he fucked me or anything... ahhahah) + + [Begin Buffer] + + Date: 06-21-93 (07:12) Number: 10708 of 10734 (Refer# 10701) + To: JARETT KOBEK + From: SYSOP TEAM + Subj: Uh.. + Read: 06-21-93 (13:00) Status: RECEIVER COURTESY + SIG: ENC Main (0) Read Type: MAIL FOR YOU (+) HAS REPLIES + + -> Uh, Mike, I'd just like to thank you for the chance to once again + access + -> Eagle's Nest.. + + After the vulgar messages left at 11:30pm last night posted in your + honor, I dont think we should give you the access. Please tell your + friends to grow up, and how to spell. + + Leave the bashing to Green and Deignan. Their reasons are all too + obvious. + + [End Buffer] + + Um, more intro: I was banned from the 401 Fidonet for faking + postings via a bug in the BlueWave remote mailer, which allowed you to + go in and hexedit your Real Name field. I posted a bunch of messages + from various RI Telecom Personalities asking one another for sexual + favors, and of course, Mike Labbe begging for sex from small boys. + + Then, about a year later, I found access to 323-chat somewhere, + and since I was reading the 323-sysops section, I knew there was an + election for net-president going on, so I nominated myself. + + Here's the ensuing fun! + + [Begin Buffer] + + Msg #: [86/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 17 Oct 93 03:57:00 Stat: Sent + From : Bill Whitehouse + To : Ralph Oelbaum + Title: Mud + + According to Ralph Oelbaum writing to All on 17 Oct 1993 00:26: + + RO> I have to tell you folks, this election was the worst I + RO>have ever seen. + + And to my mind, it's the best yet. As well as the first ever. We've + had a public airing of grievances, rather than let them sit & fester. + It's messy, maybe, but lots healthier in the long run. + + RO>We have mud throwing in all directions. It even makes + RO>its way to public areas for the rest of the BBS community to see. + RO>That make us look like a bunch of fools. + + So? Maybe they're just getting to know us better, you consider + that? ;-) + + RO>Now we are adults here so lets act it. + + Tsk, tsk... + + RO> Other news, if you are letting David C. and/or Jarret K., + RO>read this area, I want it stopped. They have no reason to be here at + RO>all + + If they don't have write access, who the hell cares? And who died + and made you boss anyway, Ralph? Is Stan still breathing? Did we + finally drive him over the edge? + + RO>Also you will notice that I am signing my name in a few places + RO>with "Acting Moderator." + + Try 'Acting Silly'. Give it rest, ok? Please? + + RO> Ralph Oelbaum + RO> Net 323 NEC + + Bill Whitehouse + Net 323 CRANK + + --- + * Origin: Art of the Possible - Providence, Rhode Island, US (1:323/109) + + Msg #: [89/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 17 Oct 93 08:37:23 Stat: Sent + From : Steve Medeiros + To : Ralph Oelbaum + Title: Re: Mud + Reply: This message has 1 reply + + *In a message dated 17 Oct 93 00:26:09 Ralph Oelbaum writes: + + RO> Other news, if you are letting David C. and/or Jarret K., read + RO> this area, I want it stopped. They have no reason to be here at all. + + Unless I'm mistaken, wasn't Jarret Kobak banned from the 323 echos per + vote of all sysops at a meeting we had? + + *FSED91m* + --- Star-Net v1.02 + * Origin: ImageNet * Coventry,RI * (401)822-3060 HST (1:323/115.0) + + Msg #: [92/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + + Date : Sun 17 Oct 1993 2:06p Stat: Sent Local + From : Marshall Votta + To : Steve Medeiros + Title: Mud + Reply: This message is a reply to #88 + + SM> Unless I'm mistaken, wasn't Jarret Kobak banned from the 323 echos + SM> per vote of all sysops at a meeting we had? + + I'm sure Jarret Kobak *was* banned from the 323 echoes, he does sound + like a rather awful character. I wish I knew who he was. + + -mV + + Msg #: [94/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 17 Oct 93 09:48:03 Stat: Sent + From : Ralph Oelbaum + To : Bill Whitehouse + Title: Mud + + -> maybe, but lots healthier in the long run. + + I could be healthier in the long run but I think there will be a + very big mess to clean up when this is all over. Venting anger and + feeling is great and healthy, but look what happened here. + + -> If they don't have write access, who the hell cares? And who die + + I care. And I am sure I am not alone on this. No one died and left + me boss, but as long as I am the NEC and run the show when it comes to + mail I will give all the input that I see is needed. If the current NC, + Stan, isn't moderating the conference then I will step in and do so. I + am not doing this for a power trip, but to bring back some order to this + net. + + Of all people Bill, you have been part of this net even longer than + I have and you have been on the outside for a long time. Now you want + back in and to help it take shape, I'm glad. Throw all those gruges you + have away and lets get this net moving in the right direction. Enough of + the BS and let's get this net moving in a productive way. + + Ralph + + --- WM v3.10/93-0030 + * Origin: Mise en Place BBS of Warwick RI USA (1:323/112) + + Msg #: [95/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 17 Oct 93 09:50:06 Stat: Sent + From : Ralph Oelbaum + To : Steve Medeiros + Title: Re: Mud + + -> Unless I'm mistaken, wasn't Jarret Kobak banned from the 323 echos pe + -> of all sysops at a meeting we had? + + Yes he was, but he still has access somewhere. The chat conference + was clean of this election until his message and I thought we where + doing a good job keeping it out of the public conference. + + Ralph + + --- WM v3.10/93-0030 + * Origin: Mise en Place BBS of Warwick RI USA (1:323/112) + + Msg #: [109/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 17 Oct 93 13:45:09 Stat: Sent + From : Todd Rourke + To : Steve Medeiros + Title: Re: Mud + + *** Quoting Steve Medeiros to Ralph Oelbaum *** + + SM> Unless I'm mistaken, wasn't Jarret Kobak banned from the 323 + SM> echos per vote of all sysops at a meeting we had? + + Well, he's banned on my board, period. The invitation was offered to + him to come back pending some stipulations but he decided not to take it + up and that's perhaps just as well. Otherwise, I believe I was at the + meeting you are referring to and yes I believe it was voted that Kobek + was to be banned from the local 323 areas. Of course this was a long + while ago and others have been 'banned' from 323 as well and then + allowed back in less time than Kobek has been silent. Jim Williams comes + to mind in this regard. + + -TR + + --- + * Origin: Cerebral Babylon [E.Prov/RI] 401.435.3576 v32bis (1:323/110) + + Msg #: [122/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 17 Oct 93 20:53:00 Stat: Sent + From : Bill Whitehouse + To : Ralph Oelbaum + Title: Mud + + According to Ralph Oelbaum writing to Bill Whitehouse on 17 Oct 1993: + + RO>Venting anger + RO>and feeling is great and healthy, but look what happened here. + + Oh, but I have, Ralph, and think it's terrific. I described a public + airing of grievances, though, and said nothing about venting anger. If + you can not see past the anger and realize folks are expressing + legitimate complaints here, then that's your loss. + + You're living in a dream world, though, if you think you can paper + over and silence that expression. + + RO>If the current NC, Stan, isn't moderating the conference then + RO>I will step in and do so. I am not doing this for a power trip, but to + RO>bring back some order to this net. + + Good luck. + + RO>Throw all those gruges you have away and lets get this net moving in + RO>the right direction. + + Grudges? You're not listening to the nice man, Ralph. What I said + was this net has to cater to more than just a small circle of friends, + to the exclusion of everyone else; that a network is only as secure as + its weakest link, so unless everyone is reasonably happy, no one is safe. + + RO>Enough of the BS and let's get this net moving in a productive way. + + Then address the issues and stop pretending they don't exist, + they'll go away if you play moderator and nag at people loud enough. + + regards, + Bill + + --- + * Origin: Art of the Possible - Providence, Rhode Island, US (1:323/109) + + Msg #: [126/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 18 Oct 93 07:01:24 Stat: Sent + From : Steve Medeiros + To : Ralph Oelbaum + Title: Re: Mud + + *In a message dated 17 Oct 93 09:48:03 Ralph Oelbaum writes: + + RO> I care. And I am sure I am not alone on this. No one died and + RO> left me boss, but as long as I am the NEC and run the show when it + + This USED to be a SYSOP-ONLY area. I recall, in the past, when sysops + would come in here asking permission for their assistant- or co-sysops + to read the area. + + It's obvious some people take more pleasure in destroying anything and + everything we have in 323 than in resolving issues and problems. Looks + like this echo is no longer "secure" and we can never again speak openly + to each other about our SYSOP problems. Shame. This is what drives + people to netmail instead of speaking here. + + You did right by stepping in. I don't think you can make this area + secure again though, as long as we have this JERK in our midst. I can + understand why Stan just isn't bothering any longer. + + *FSED91m* + --- Star-Net v1.02 + * Origin: ImageNet * Coventry,RI * (401)822-3060 HST (1:323/115.0) + + Msg #: [128/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 18 Oct 93 19:15:04 Stat: Sent + From : Ralph Oelbaum + To : Steve Medeiros + Title: Re: Mud + + -> You did right by stepping in. I don't think you can make this area + -> again though, as long as we have this JERK in our midst. I can under + -> why Stan just isn't bothering any longer. + + Well I hope that one day this area will be secure again. It would also + be nice to see more people here too. We are a net of 40 nodes and there + are about a handful of us that actively read and reply to the messages + here. I can remember way back when, when this wasn't the case. + + --- WM v3.10/93-0030 + * Origin: Mise en Place BBS of Warwick RI USA (1:323/112) + + Msg #: [134/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 18 Oct 93 13:04:32 Stat: Sent + From : Sheila Lennon + To : Ralph Oelbaum + Title: Mud + + RO>>Venting anger + RO>>and feeling is great and healthy, but look what happened here. + + BW> Oh, but I have, Ralph, and think it's terrific. I described a + BW>public airing of grievances, though, and said nothing about venting + BW>anger. If you can not see past the anger and realize folks are + BW>expressing legitimate complaints here, then that's your loss. + + Ralph, as a veteran of many fights with Bill, I have to say he's + right. + + At first angry words may sound like attacks -- and trigger + fight-or-flight danger juices -- but when we run out of good lines + what's left is competing howls of frustration. + + You've emerged as an even-tempered plain speaker in all this, and + it's been great to watch. + + It's up to whomever we've just elected as NC to take the lead + now -- part Solomon, part Santa Claus -- in establishing a climate + where the frustrations of each of us are heard, considered and addressed. + + ...............sheila + + --- msgedsq 2.1 + * Origin: - Art of the Possible - Providence (401) 421-2218 (1:323/109.2) + + Msg #: [135/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 18 Oct 93 18:38:01 Stat: Sent + From : James Williams + To : Todd Rourke + Title: Mud + + > *** Quoting Steve Medeiros to Ralph Oelbaum *** + > + > SM> Unless I'm mistaken, wasn't Jarret Kobak banned from the + > 323SM> echos per vote + > SM> of all sysops at a meeting we had? + > + > Of course this was a + > long while ago and others have been 'banned' from 323 as + > well and then allowed back in less time than Kobek has been + > silent. Jim Williams comes to mind in this regard. + + Well, since I paid what I owed 323 for the nationals, THAT was the + "stipulation" I had to fulfill in order to begin recieving the 323 echos + on my system.. Since MY end of the bargin was done, 323 kept it's end of + it. + + There is a major diffrence between Kobak and myself. KOBAK is + excessivly (sp) annoying.. And hence, his banning.. I could not recieve + the echos due to the ammount I owed (and LONG ago since paid, as you so + conviently forgotten).. + + So, before you start compairing me to Kobak, you better get the facts + straight.. + + --- FMail .08 + * Origin: Blackstone Valley BBS, Woonsocket Rhode Island, U.S.A. (1:323/201) + + Msg #: [155/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 17 Oct 93 15:01:00 Stat: Sent + From : Mike Labbe + To : Ralph Oelbaum + Title: Re: mud + + -> Yes he was, but he still has access somewhere. The chat conference + -> was clean of this election until his message and I thought we where + -> doing a good job keeping it out of the public conference. + + Forgot about that. Will remove him from it here. He just got back from + a 6 month bbs suspension, and I didn't recall. + + --- DB 1.54/004201 + * Origin: ENC - Providence (1:323/126) + + Msg #: [157/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 19 Oct 93 12:54:05 Stat: Sent + From : Steve Medeiros + To : James Williams + Title: Re: Mud + + *In a message dated 18 Oct 93 18:38:01 James Williams writes: + + JW> There is a major diffrence between Kobak and myself. KOBAK is + JW> excessivly (sp) annoying.. And hence, his banning.. I could not + JW> recieve the echos due to the ammount I owed (and LONG ago since + JW> paid, as you so conviently forgotten).. + + You're 100% right, Jim. Yours was merely a financial problem while + Kobek was banned for being a complete jerk in our echos. Even after + being given warnings he persisted, and finally was banned from all + 323 echos. Apparently we made the right choice too, becuase as soon + as he reappears he continues in his old ways. Apparently he hasn't + grown up any, nor has he learned from his past mistakes. + + --\ Caesura \--- Star-Net v1.02 + * Origin: ImageNet * Coventry,RI * (401)822-3060 HST (1:323/115.0) + + Msg #: [158/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 19 Oct 93 18:22:22 Stat: Sent + From : Ralph Oelbaum + To : Mike Labbe + Title: Re: mud + Reply: This message has 1 reply + + -> Forgot about that. Will remove him from it here. He just got back fr + -> month bbs suspension, and I didn't recall. + + Please do he is running amuk in the chat base insulting Gil and I am + sure many others will follow. He hasen't change nor do I think he will. + + --- WM v3.10/93-0030 + * Origin: Mise en Place BBS of Warwick RI USA (1:323/112) + + Msg #: [166/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 20 Oct 93 07:43:39 Stat: Sent + From : Mike Bilow + To : Ralph Oelbaum + Title: mud + + >-> Forgot about that. Will remove him from it here. He just got back fr + >-> month bbs suspension, and I didn't recall. + + > Please do he is running amuk in the chat base insulting Gil and I am + > sure many others will follow. He hasen't change nor do I think he will. + + He might grow up, if no one stops him before he has the chance. + + -- Mike + + --- + * Origin: N1BEE BBS +401 944 8498 V.32bis/HST16.8 (1:323/107) + + Msg #: [171/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 19 Oct 93 11:47:47 Stat: Sent + From : Todd Rourke + To : James Williams + Title: Re: Mud + + *** Quoting James Williams to Todd Rourke *** + + JW> So, before you start compairing me to Kobak, you better get the + JW> facts straight.. + + Jim! Temper temper! His name is Kobek, by the way... not that it really + matters for the purposes of discussion but if you or I or anyone else + is going to talk about someone, we should at least get the name right. + + I made no comparison between you and Kobek outside the fact that you + were both banned by the network. From my perspective, banning is + banning, and the factors involved with such are not overly important. + If I recall, however, I do believe the lable of 'annoying' got tossed + your way, too. Which is the worse crime? Some ill-tempered bogus LOCAL + mail or stiffing the network cash for national mail and then + distributing it to other nodes for nominal sums? Probably no difference + as I see it... if pressed, I'd say you made the greater transgression. + + In any case, you were allowed back in a couple months time or so. Kobek + has been on the outs for close to a year. I have no problems with having + you back at all, but I feel if a case can be turned around for you in 2 + months, then surely a year of excommunication for Kobek certainly + amounts to 'debt to society paid in full.' + + Let me qualify this by saying I am no great fan of Kobek's. He's not + nearly as bad as many would tend to think, however. I am more concerned + with the fairness issue here. If you feel you got a 'fair' deal in being + allowed back in in that period of time, then surely a return from 12 + months in exile is just as fair if not more than fair. + + --- + * Origin: Cerebral Babylon [E.Prov/RI] 401.435.3576 v32bis (1:323/110) + + Msg #: [175/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 18 Oct 93 18:49:06 Stat: Sent + From : Paul Mallett + To : Ralph Oelbaum + Title: Re: Mud + Reply: This message has 1 reply + + RO> *MSGID: 1:323/112 85D18B2E + -> Unless I'm mistaken, wasn't Jarret Kobak banned from the 323 echos pe + -> of all sysops at a meeting we had? + + RO> Yes he was, but he still has access somewhere. The chat + RO> conference was clean of this election until his message and + RO> I thought we where doing a good job keeping it out of the + RO> public conference. + + Well, even on the assumption that Jarret wasn't directly given access, + he could have posted a message without anyone knowing from any number + of BBS in the area. There are faults and cracks in most systems. + Of course Daver has stated he DOES read 323-Sysop so.. + + --- timEd/2-B9 + * Origin: The 95th Floor! 401.941.7851 (1:323/123) + + Msg #: [178/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 19 Oct 93 18:43:42 Stat: Sent + From : Paul Mallett + To : Steve Medeiros + Title: Re: Mud + + SM> You're 100% right, Jim. Yours was merely a financial + SM> problem while Kobek was banned for being a complete jerk in + SM> our echos. Even after being given warnings he persisted, + SM> and finally was banned from all 323 echos. Apparently we + SM> made the right choice too, becuase as soon as he reappears + SM> he continues in his old ways. Apparently he hasn't grown up + SM> any, nor has he learned from his past mistakes. + + Perhaps Net323 hasn't learned from the past either. + Kobek persisted in being "a complete jerk" BECAUSE of the warnings, and + BECAUSE he was banned. I am in no way condoning his actions, they + certainly fall under FIDO's idea of "excessively annoying." However, + whether you like it or not you (and everyone else) are directly + responsible for giving him what he sees as legitimate cause for his + actions, misguided as they may be. He doesn't do it becuase he's got + nothing better to do. He does it because he feels he has reason to. + + --- timEd/2-B9 + * Origin: The 95th Floor! 401.941.7851 (1:323/123) + + Msg #: [181/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 20 Oct 93 11:32:00 Stat: Sent + From : Steve Medeiros + To : Todd Rourke + Title: Kobek + Reply: This message has 1 reply + + *In a message dated 19 Oct 93 11:47:47 Todd Rourke writes: + + TR> nearly as bad as many would tend to think, however. I am more + TR> concerned with the fairness issue here. If you feel you got a 'fair' + TR> deal in being allowed back in in that period of time, then surely a + TR> return from 12 months in exile is just as fair if not more than fair. + + Tell you what, if Kobek had quietly slipped back into activity, posting + as everyone else, I would not object. But look how he "slips" back in? + He immediately begings his annoying behavior. Let's be honest here. + Some people (whom I consider borderline myself) provoke him and think + it's funny, but what about the other dozens of users who find him + offensive? Should we all have to put up with his bull because someone + enjoys using him as the scapegoat...the excuse to get everyone + pissed-off? + + Go ahead, disagree, but as an intelligent adult, you know I'm right. All + he has to do is behave himself and he'd be welcome, but no, he goes out of + his way to be annoying. Who needs it? + + --- Star-Net v1.02 + * Origin: ImageNet * Coventry,RI * (401)822-3060 HST (1:323/115.0) + + Msg #: [183/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 20 Oct 93 12:56:00 Stat: Sent + From : James Williams + To : Todd Rourke + Title: Mud + + Don't get the wrong impression Todd. My temper was not flared, well, + a little .. + + It only seemed that when you stated I was "banned", you failed to + mention what the circumstances were, which are totally diffrent than + Kobek (got it that time ;>) In a way, I was rather angry, but then I + figured, yes, there was a time I was barred, and yes, I was in the + wrong. I admitted it. Feeding those nodes mail that shouldn't have been + getting them was a major mistake. + + However, you must understand when we did that, we at that time smelled + a rat in the financial department. We held a meeting of the northern + nodes (Ralph was even at that before moving from Pawtucket) and figured + it all out on paper. It seemed to us at the time that the fee we were + paying for echos were exceeding the actual phone costs. When pressed for + the actual bills, the former treasurer produced them, and had we viewed + them, it may have caused a very diffrent turn of events.. Yet, the only + thing we saw was a pile of paperwork.. And thats where the + misunderstanding came in.. + + Eric's attitude at the time, though, leaves MUCH to be desired.. I + learned alot about Eric over the years.. + + Sure enough, a few months later, the treasurer took off with the money, + and left everyone hanging out to dry. I honestly felt badly that + happened, but I was not suprised at the least. Unfortunatly everyone + had to suffer.. + + Mine was mearly a financial matter settled with 323 over a + misunderstanding.. The matter was long ago settled. The transgresion of + feeding those nodes was based on the information I and the other nodes + had at the time.. If information was exchanged to us, that more than + likely wouldn't have happened. + + Kobek, on the other hand, while I personally would not mind if he were + reinstated if he showed any resemblance to improvment in the social area + instead of trying to be an irritant (sp), still has, unfortunatly, not + shown any sort of improvment at all.. I do not mind airing + dissagreements, even to the point of anger being vented, however, as in + the case in this echo for the past few weeks, it can get to the point + where it can be destructive instead of constructive. If the critisizem + (sp) stayed on the constructive level, then thats good.. It's when it + turns ugly and the attacks turn personal, thats when it should be said, + "enough". + + Kobek, however, even after about 2 years still behaves rather poorly.. + Anyways, I'm glad that this is all over with and maybe things can + return to normal. (ya gotta admit, Eric Chew would have just LOVED + this week! ) + + Take care, + + --- FMail .08 + * Origin: Blackstone Valley BBS, Woonsocket Rhode Island (1:323/201) + + Msg #: [185/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : Wed 20 Oct 1993 3:40p Stat: Sent Local + From : Marshall Votta + To : Ralph Oelbaum + Title: mud + + RO> Please do he is running amuk in the chat base insulting Gil and I am + RO> sure many others will follow. He hasen't change nor do I think he + + A most disheartening message. + + Dave can be quite an amiable person. Slightly demented, perhaps, + but amiable nonetheless. He operates on a call-em-as-he-sees-em basis, + yet you wish to squelch him for that? + + Msg #: [188/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + + Date : Wed 20 Oct 1993 3:46p Stat: Sent Local + From : Marshall Votta + To : Paul Mallett + Title: MUD + Reply: This message is a reply to #173 + + PM> from any number of BBS in the area. There are faults and cracks + PM> in most systems. + + To be precise, 6. + + I had to use those systems to read the bases before I became an official + node. A majority of them operated Telegard or PCB, lest I recall. + + And, at least 3 of them didn't even know it was to be private. + + Nor do they presently. + + Msg #: [189/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + + Date : Wed 20 Oct 1993 3:47p Stat: Sent Local + From : Marshall Votta + To : Steve Medeiros + Title: Kobek + Reply: This message is a reply to #181 + + SM> immediately begings his annoying behavior. Let's be honest here. + + He nominated himself for NC, what harm could possibly come of + that? iMo, he would have been the most objective person to take the + role. + + He's neutral. + + Msg #: [190/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 20 Oct 93 17:12:48 Stat: Sent + From : Stan Weyman + To : Todd Rourke + Title: Re: Mud + + -> In any case, you were allowed back in a couple months time or so. Kob + -> been on the outs for close to a year. I have no problems with having + -> at all, but I feel if a case can be turned around for you in 2 months + -> surely a year of excommunication for Kobek certainly amounts to 'debt + -> society paid in full.' + -> + -> Let me qualify this by saying I am no great fan of Kobek's. He's not + -> bad as many would tend to think, however. I am more concerned with th + -> issue here. If you feel you got a 'fair' deal in being allowed back i + -> period of time, then surely a return from 12 months in exile is just + -> not more than fair. + + I think you have a point...while I'm not sure of the timeline + you've presented I will say that Mike allowed the boy into the echo + area and had he NOT immediately started the crap again, I think most + would not have objected to his being back....at least I wouldn't have... + + --- WM v3.10/91-0061 + * Origin: Greetings from the Prometheus System (1:323/105) + + Msg #: [192/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 20 Oct 93 17:15:08 Stat: Sent + From : Stan Weyman + To : Paul Mallett + Title: Re: Mud + + -> Of course Daver has stated he DOES read 323-Sysop so.. + + Todd has already denied his having access via his system...is he + accessing it via yours ? + + --- WM v3.10/91-0061 + * Origin: Greetings from the Prometheus System (1:323/105) + + Msg #: [193/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 20 Oct 93 17:16:52 Stat: Sent + From : Stan Weyman + To : Paul Mallett + Title: Re: Mud + + -> Perhaps Net323 hasn't learned from the past either. + -> Kobek persisted in being "a complete jerk" BECAUSE of the warnings, a + -> BECAUSE he was banned. I am in no way condoning his actions, they ce + -> fall under FIDO's idea of "excessively annoying." However, whether yo + -> or not you (and everyone else) are directly responsible for giving hi + -> sees as legitimate cause for his actions, misguided as they may be. + -> He doesn't do it becuase he's got nothing better to do. He does it be + -> feels he has reason to. + + what prompted him this time....as soon as Mike allowed him in he + started right where he left off...I can agree with your statement that + he feeds off of warnings, etc, but I don't think he was provoked this + time... + + --- WM v3.10/91-0061 + * Origin: Greetings from the Prometheus System (1:323/105) + + Msg #: [200/200] Base: FIDO: 323 SysOp Echo + Date : 21 Oct 93 03:05:13 Stat: Sent + From : Mike Bilow + To : Marshall Votta + Title: Kobek + + > He nominated himself for NC, what harm could possibly + > come of that? iMo, he would have been the most + > objective person to take the role. + + > He's neutral. + + He's also ineligible. One of the principal requirements of being + NC is that you have a Fidonet node. + + --- + * Origin: N1BEE BBS +401 944 8498 V.32bis/HST16.8 (1:323/107) + + [End Buffer] + + Here's a little ditty that sums up everything: + + [Begin Buffer] + + >From paperboy!access.digex.net!jdale Fri Jul 1 05:24:00 1994 + Return-Path: + Date: Thu, 30 Jun 1994 22:51:03 -0400 + From: John Dale + Message-Id: <199407010251.AA04413@access3.digex.net> + To: squinky@tmok.com (Squinky Q. Maggot) + Subject: Re: So... + Cc: jdale@access.digex.net + Newsgroups: alt.christnet + Organization: Home + X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] + Status: O + + Please show a bit of respect for other people. + + -- + John Dale - Washington, DC - jdale@access.digex.net + + [End Buffer] + + More. + + [Being Buffer] + + >From root Wed Jun 29 00:53:53 1994 + To: squinky + Subject: Forwarded mail. + + > From paperboy!postoffice.pstc.brown.edu!cro Tue Jun 28 13:21:06 1994 + > Return-Path: + > From: cro@postoffice.pstc.brown.edu (Christoper Ogren) + > Message-Id: <9406281544.AA27791@maxcy2.pstc.brown.edu> + > Subject: WHat a nice guy! + > To: root@tmok.uu.ids.net + > Date: Tue, 28 Jun 1994 11:44:45 -0400 (EDT) + > X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL22] + > Mime-Version: 1.0 + > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII + > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit + > Content-Length: 1262 + > Status: RO + > + > Forwarded message: + > + > Do you really want people like Squinky Q. Maggot representing TMOK + > like that on USENET? I guess it's one thing if this occurs on an + > off network machine but this guy is really absurd in his postings. I + > don't want to put down TMOK because from what I hear it is a decent + > board but when I see TMOK domain attatched to a message like this I + > and others might be inclined to think otherwise. Well it's your + > board and I guess you can do as you see fit. IMHO, this guy deserves + > the same fate he wishes upon others.... + > + > -------- + > Christopher Ogren, Network Admin. PSTC Brown University + > (401)863-7284 Box 1916 Providence, RI + > "The opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts not my + > employer's." + > + > >|> > RAPE YOUR MOTHER + > >|> > + > >|> > THE BITCH DESERVES IT. + > >|> > + > >|> > KILL HER. + > >|> > + > >|> > STICK A BASEBALL BAT UP HER BUNG. + > >|> > + > >|> > DIE. + > >|> > + > >|> > I WANT TO RANDOMLY GYRATE MY CROTCH INTO YOUR HEAD. + > >|> > + > >|> > YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN ANOTHER THING TO FUCK. + > >|> > + > >|> > FUCK. + > >|> > + > >|> > FUCK. + > >|> > + > >|> > FUCK. + > >|> > + > >|> > Squinky Q. Maggot ------ Resident Diety of RI TeleCom + > >|> + > >|> Geez, Squinky, maybe *you* should do it with your mom...It might + > >|> calm yo a bit. ;> + > >|> + > >|> Ender + + --- + Dave W. Costantino (aka Daver) TMoK BBS/Public Access Unix + System Administrator (401) 943.3446 (14.4kbps, v.32bis) + root@tmok.com, daver@tmok.com Running NVBBS 2.0 for Linux + + [End Buffer] + + No idea, but he seems pretty upset: + + [Begin Buffer] + + Msg#2600 Conf: Perversions + From: Speedy Gonzales Date: Fri Dec 03 20:19:55 1993 + To : Squinky Type: Public + Subject: War on Drugs...Prizon space + [Refer to #2567] + + WHO CARES IF THEY DIE?!?! WHO CARES?! These people... HUMAN BEINGS + are just like you and me... they have mothers and fathers and brothers + and sister. All of these people as well as all of their friends and + other relatives care as well as many others, like me, so please, DO NOT + TELL ME THAT NOBODY CARES AND THEIR DEATH MEANS NOTHING. + + Area 'Perversions' (#5) + + [End Buffer] + + More. #2 in his collection is something already here, so I + omitted it. + + [Begin Buffer] + + >From paperboy!iastate.edu!tammaro Wed Jun 29 15:23:17 1994 + >To: squinky@tmok.com + + Dear Squinky, This is a letter that I have sent to your + system administrator. + + To whom it may concern: + + I have collected a (short yet representative) list of posts that + squinky@tmok.ids.net has posted to the newsgroup alt.rhode_island. + As you will see these posts are not only infantile and offending, but + they have nothing to do with RI. My concern is that this behavior will + discourage more mature readers to post intelligent things on this + newsgroup. If there is anyway you can relinquish this guy's newsgroup + priveredges or his net access, please do. + + Thanks, Mike Tammaro + + -----#1-------- + + Hello, I was wondering if I could get all you to please + FUCK ME UP THE ASS with a large RUBBER DILDO. + + While your at it, can you please help me RAPE AND KILL AND PILAGE all + your WHITE WOMEN? + + Thank you for your time and consideration, you suck, and I hope you'll + suck me. + + Please make sure all mail is addressed to squinky@tmok.uu.ids.net. + For some quirk of fate, sometimes machines have problems with it, and + the mail will not make it back to me. + + Thanks for your consideration. + + --------#2------- + + [End Buffer] + + Hahha: + + [Begin Buffer] + + WILDCAT! Copyright (c) 87,93 Mustang Software, Inc. All Rights Reserved. + Registration Number: 93-2501. Version: 3.60S (SINGLE-LINE). Node: 1. + Connected at 14400 bps. Error free connection. ANSI detected. + + * You have connected to Node 1 of COHERENT SPECTRUM BBS + + What is your first name? squinky + What is your last name? + Looking up "SQUINKY". Please wait... + + Are you SQUINKY from The Moon? [ + You were previously Locked-Out and are denied access. + (Clickü + + [End Buffer] + + There's more buffers... but why show them? They're all the + same, people getting angry with me for bullshit things I've said or + done. It's all always the same. + + I just wanted to justify having them on my harddrive. + + What lessons have I learned? + + Nothing. + + How pathetic. + + Over and out. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #334 - WRITTEN BY: SQUINKY - 12/11/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0335.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0335.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..23b66e3e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0335.txt @@ -0,0 +1,240 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #335 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "IRC Must Die" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Ashtray Heart !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/11/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + If Thomas Pynchon was judged by his IRC behavior, and that + behavior alone, he would appear to be a complete moron. Why is this? + Because IRC is a moron-making machine. No matter who you are or how + intelligent and insightful you are, going on IRC will turn you into a + complete fucking idiot. In fact, IRC seems to me to be not only useless + as a medium of communication, but, in fact, deletorious, as it has the + tendency to interfere with TRUE communication and erect interpersonal + barriers where none existed previously. If you want to start a war + between any two countries, put all the leaders of both countries on an + IRC channel together. I am at a loss to explain how IRC can be at the + same time so trivial and so utterly harmful at the same time, but I am + convinced that it is one of the worst innovations of the human race. I + only hope to God that IRC never starts being mistaken for or starts + taking the place of actual human discourse, or the human race is + inevitably doomed. I honestly think that for the continued safety of + the human race all copies of IRC worldwide ought to be deleted, the + source code destroyed, and just for safety's sake we ought to bomb the + living shit out of Finland to send them the message that this kind of + dangerous and antisocial behavior will not be tolerated. + + IRC, folks, is just plain WRONG. + + Admittedly this is a biased generalization, but it seems to me + that people come to Usenet to find new ways to interact with reality, + and to IRC to avoid reality. + + Usenet permits sustained development of individual thought as + well as social bonding, whereas IRC is heavily dependent on typing speed + and immediacy and thus does not allow for conversation on a level beyond + the near-non-sequitur level. The difference between IRC and Usenet is + like the difference between the comic strip and the comic book. While + this does not seem to be complimentary to either on first glance, I + would remind you that the comic book medium has produced works of genius + like "Watchmen", "Cerebus", and "Flaming Carrot". While it is + permissible for even fairly good comic strips like "Fox Trot" to be + disposable, and thus it is probably permissible for IRC to be disposable + too, I do not see that any overall benefit, catharsis, or in-depth + social interaction is possible within the confines of IRC. In this + arena, even the telephone is preferable, for in a medium that hinges on + immediate impact, the telephone provides greater immediacy, less + distraction, and the additional benefit of the subtle nuances of the + human voice. Let's face it, people: IRC just plain sucks. + + Some of you might object to my vocal objection to IRC. This does + not make sense to me. So I am now supposed to let all sorts of offenses + against human nature go by uncommented on so as not to offend the + practitioners? Should Christians idly stand by and let millions of + women massacre their unborn children? In the case of crimes against + humanity such as IRC and abortion, widespread denunciation is CERTAINLY + called for. IRC is a clear and present danger to our society, our + children, and our future. Just look at the lamentable excess of idiocy + among frequent IRC users -- even when given the chance to participate + in relatively civilized forums such as Usenet, they retain their + mongoloid illiterate dialect, displaying egregious lapses in grammar, + capitalization, and spelling, even referring to one person as a + "trolling lamah". What kind of a society do we live in where Buddhism + is given such short shrift that people do not even know that a Buddhist + holy person is correctly referred to as a "trolling lama"? A society + dominated by anti-intellectual and Communist so-called "forums of + communication" like IRC. + + The radical left-wing nature of the Finns is well known. Is it + so far-fetched a conjecture to posit that IRC is directly designed to + advocate a Communist social system? No, it is not. And should this + Communist society come into being, it will be one along the lines of the + society so chillingly described in Harlan Ellison's "Harrison Bergeron". + In short, the ascendancy of IRC is clearly designed to bring about a + society whose constituents are unilaterally bereft of logic, insight, + literacy, and all but the crudest wit, a wasteland of indolent + pornography and recreational Christianity. It certainly is no + coincidence that the most active forum for Christianity on the net of + IRC, as both IRC and Christianity serve to stifle creative thought and + silence anyone who asks too many uncomfortable questions or who is too + publicly intelligent for their tastes. In fact, I would say that the + "unholy trinity" of modern times- the three greatest threats to the + human race, each working in its own mold and each complementing each + other- are fundamentalist Christianity (moral), laissez-faire + capitalism (economic), and IRC (social). + + Fundamentalist Christianity provides for a dumbed-down dualistic + moral system in which absolute obedience to self-appointed "authority" + and their ludicrous so-called "literal" interpretation of an + idiosyncratic and rambling ancient tome (the same book, ironically + enough, that PREDICTED THE SUM TOTAL OF ALL THIS CORRUPTION right + within its pages) is the greatest virtue and deviation from the norm + leads to eternal torment courtesy of an all-loving "father". If you + pay attention to that last bit, you'll notice that the very premise of + Christianity is absurd and logically impossible on a scale that would + make Lewis Carroll proud (if not Proudhon). Quite obviously the "Big + Lie" theory is employed by these fakers and charlatans, and with a truly + astonishing degree of success. + + Laissez-Faire capitalism, which you will note takes its name from + a FRENCH word, a sure sign of sinister intent if ever there was one, for + after all, when the doomy Lovecraftian European bands such as "Univers + Zero" and "Art Zoyd" spelled out their unrelentingly bleak visions of + apocalypse and serenades for the burning cities, what language did + they use? That's right, French. We cannot equivocate on this point: + French is just plain evil. And French certainly lives up to its + reputation in the case of laissez-faire capitalism. This so-called + "free-market" system is frankly a recipe for corporate totalitarianism + as practiced by avowed Christians such as Wayne Huizenga, mastermind + behind the wildly successful video store chain "Blockbuster". You will + notice that his so-called "Christian" ethics most certainly do not + preclude his crushing of all competitors underneath his monolithic iron + heel. By teaching people all over the world to "turn the other cheek", + and with the associated Christian doctrine of "Social Darwinism", which + (ironically enough, arising from a stark misinterpretation of a doctrine + pioneered by a man loathed by Christians at the time of his first + appearance) states that might makes right, as it is "God's" intent, + Christianity makes the world safe for corporate hegemony worldwide. + + The missing piece to all this? IRC, of course. While the merest + spark of innovation and wit exists in the human soul, the + Christian-Capitalist conspiracy lives in constant danger. IRC makes + these formerly human qualities no longer a going concern. By providing + a Conspiracy-approved (and of course Dobbs-approved as well, but that's + the mercurial and untrustworthy nature of that Dobbs fellow, as well as + proving to the world that "Dobbs-approved" truly is a meaningless + label) mind-numbing substitute for all social interaction of a scope + even more far-reaching than television (which was, admittedly, damn near + perfect in that regard, but firstly, did not give the simians in + question an illusion of free will nearly as broad-ranging as that + afforded by IRC, and second, did not take into account that nothing is + more fascinating to a human being than himself. IRC, by allowing a + person's every utterance to be broadcast worldwide and praised as + shining wit by like-minded monkeys, is a great improvement over + television, which did an excellent job of preparing humans for a + lifetime of utter passivity, but did not permit the inflated sense of + self-importance so important in today's modern world nor provide an + adequate release valve for socially deviant urges naturally occuring in + every human, in this regard). IRC allows all independent thought to be + crushed in a tide of mediocrity, and thus represents the ultimate guided + triumph of the Herd Instinct. Who do you think the ultimate IRC ops are? + Mormons, dammit, that's who! + + So while you callow fools may think you may be at the forefront + of the electronic vanguard, I would urge you to remember that you are + actually at the forefront of an unprecedented Satanic conspiracy to + institute a 1000 year period of utter stasis in human development to + harvest your GUILT as fodder for an unspeakable race of alien + predators. I say to thee, resist this insidious development with all + your heart, all your mind, all your strength, and all your soul! The + cultivation of Inner Belly-Button Self-Discipline and the boycott or + subversion via Culture Jamming of all totalitarian forms of + communication is our duty now for the future, and the key not only to + true enlightenment but real actual sex, not that fake "cyber-sex" stuff + you guys are stuck with! Repent and join me now in my clarion call: + + IRC, I SAY THEE NAY! + + I am surprised at the vast opposition such a simple and + self-evident statement such as the above has raised. To those who would + accuse me of "trolling"- Have you ever considered the possibility that + my intent was to open a dialogue on the subject? If my argument was + purely subjective and a matter of taste, then your reaction might stand, + but my intent is not to inflame, but inform and possibly convince. I + don't want to make anybody mad, I'd just like them to rethink their + positions on an issue that could affect THEIR lives! + + To those who oppose my invocation of Christian values as reliance + on oppressive values- I could say the same thing about IRC. In fact, + religion has served to give hope and meaning to the lives of millions, + while IRC has just wasted a big old shitload of people's time. Which is + the true "opiate of the masses", I ask you? Your reliance on hackneyed + Atheistic Communistic dogma is utterly incompatible with Postmodernism + and the Modern Spirit. Time to clean the semen stains off your Ayn + Rand collection. + + To those who accuse me of being a luddite from the Dark Ages- + You do know that Luddism was a product of the 18th century and thus is + completely chronologically incompatible with the so-called "dark ages", + do you not? Furthermore, are you aware that condemnation of the worst + nightmares produced by the rampant march of technology does not equate + to wholesale condemnation of technology in and of itself? I mean, what + the hell kind of a luddite would have an EMAIL ADDRESS? + + To those who object to my characterization of the Finnish as + communists as "racist"- You say that only because Americans as a whole + are ignorant of the concept of "Volk", the gestalt which drives European + communities as a whole. "Finnish Pride" is a very real threat, a threat + more dangerous even than Flemish separatism! + + To those who believe that IRC is simply a harmless "medium"- + while it would be foolish to believe IRC to be an autonomous entity, + your reactionary post-post-modernist implicit rubbishing of McLuhan and + all he stood for is anathema to common sense. The means by which we + interact affect the substance of our interactions, in much the same way + as the direction of a vector can affect its speed. + + Do you then deny that the demographics to be found on a particular + communications medium have nothing at all to do with the inherent appeal + of the medium? Do sleazy downtown hotels that rent by the hour have no + role whatsoever in adultery and homosexual trysts? The facts as they + stand is that IRC as a medium is fit only for sex preverts, computer + criminals ("warez doods", in the parlance), and Christians. Is this + really the sort of behaviour we wish to encourage? I think not. As for + your telephone analogy, it is direly flawed as the telephone has + achieved a ubiquitous presence in the modern world, a presence I sorely + hope IRC never achieves. + + IRC, quite simply, is anathema to successful socialization. + Whatever successful socialization is, I can assure you that it requires + far more than creative misspellings of the word "fuck". Successful + socialization as I am choosing to define it here is an overtly or + covertly transcendent experience that allows synchronization of + individual psyches to the underlying shared components of the + collective unconsciousness. IRC, unfortunately, is utterly and + completely lacking in this subtext unless such a synchronization has + previously been accomplished via communication through other media. The + pidgin dialect of IRC is an insidious variety of "newspeak" that + systematically strips covert meaning from intended communication leaving + only a bland and vomitous pablum. The end result is about as much use + as a GIF file downloaded in ASCII mode. + + To state my argument in the simplest words possible: + + I will restate my argument in simpler terms. There is no + exchange of ideas on IRC. The medium consists solely of an exchange + of meaningless shibboleths. + + I'm sorry, I keep using big words there. Let me try to get to + the heart of my argument, right here: + + You dumb fucks aren't saying anything. You're just talking a + bunch of shit. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS #335, WRITTEN BY: ASHTRAY HEART, 12/11/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0336.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0336.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..95b4a118 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0336.txt @@ -0,0 +1,52 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #336 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Going Out For Drinks" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Swiss Pope !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/14/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + It really bothers me when people say "I'm going out for drinks." + when they are _not_ talking about alcoholic beverages. Saying that you + are "going out for drinks" is like asking someone "Can I buy you a + drink?" or "After work, let's go get a drink," in which it is implied + that that drink is an alcoholic beverage. + + If you are going out for drinks, and it's not alcohol that you + are drinking, you should identify the type of drink that you are having. + Let's take the simple case of you and a friend going out to a coffee + shop to drink coffee. In this case, you should say "We're going out for + coffee." But it can get complicated if, say, you're going out to the + coffee shop, and you are drinking coffee, but your friend is going to + order a soda. It might still be appropriate to say "We're going out for + coffee." because it is a coffee shop that you are going to and you, at + least, are ordering coffee, since you are the one making the declaration + that you're going out. But what if you are the one ordering a soda and + your friend is going to order a coffee. Or worse, what if both of you + are going to a coffee shop, but NEITHER ONE OF YOU are ordering coffee. + Do you still say "We're going out for coffee."? + + Another example. Suppose you meet a cute girl. Suppose that you + know, since you've stalked her for a while, that she doesn't drink + coffee. Suppose you don't drink coffee, either. And then suppose that + you want to ask her out on a date to a small restaurant (not for lunch + or dinner or anything, just for some non-alcoholic beverages). Given + that you are over the age of 13, you would most likely create a lousy + impression if you said "Let's go out for sodas." because that sounds + mildly retarded. But if you said "Let's go out for drinks." it might be + misunderstood that you meant alcoholic drinks. Perhaps it's best if you + identified the restaurant by name that you wish to go to. That way + there's no misunderstanding as to what will or will not be ordered at + the restaurant. Unfortunately, timing is very important when you ask + someone out and you'll have to think of what to say right there on the + spot. If you rehearse how you are going to ask this girl out, you're + more likely to bungle everything and make a complete ass out of + yourself. + + Sometimes in life, it's a tough call. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #336 - WRITTEN BY: SWISS POPE - 12/14/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0337.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0337.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f9de7ee8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0337.txt @@ -0,0 +1,47 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #337 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "I am Uberground" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Meenk !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/14/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I am so Underground. I belong to a secret society of elites. + + 'Who?' you ask? Like I'd tell you, it's secret. Besides, we are + so Underground you wouldn't know any of us anyway. Though you'd like + to. I am so Underground, I am Uberground. On the underbelly of the + Underground, right near its crotch, though closer to its thigh there is + a tumor. This is the underground of the Underground. The Uberground. + The Uberground is comprised of those who are too elite for the + mainstream Underground. + + The Uberground, instead of marching up to the line of + Alternative Mainstream (the layer of freakishness between Mainstream + and Underground) and flaunting it's 'cool' strangeness, sticks to its + unspoken law of straying as far from the Norm as is possible. + + 'How?' you ask? That is also secret. If I were to tell all of + you how to achieve acceptance in the Uberground we would be alienated + by the sudden rush of Undergrounders trying to compete with their + stupid retard friends. Just like when Marilyn Manson covered 'Sweet + Dreams'. Members of the Uberground don't feel the need to compete with + eachother for eliteness. + + You may be asking yourself, 'Why haven't I heard of this + Uberground before?' There is a simple answer to this. You weren't cool + enough. Reading this zine, (h0e, in case your MTV attention span + already timed out) and this article in particular, brings you one step + closer. I can't map out the rest of your journey to the Uberground for + you. You will probably die trying to reach this degree of eliteness. + That doesn't mean you should be discouraged though. Quitters never win + and you don't want to be a loser, do you? + + Okay. I lied. You should be discouraged. If you aren't + Uberground already, you never will be. We don't want you. Go away. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #337 - WRITTEN BY: MEENK - 12/14/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0338.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0338.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c738a8fa --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0338.txt @@ -0,0 +1,62 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #338 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Anal Retentive People Are Fun!" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Muze !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/14/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I got a job. Actually, it is my second job. So I have two jobs. + I work in a library now, which makes absolutely no sense because I am + loud and help not at all. So I got this job, actually I sold my soul to + the government. THAT was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. + So this job pays for tuition for school. So it's not so bad, but it + really is. + + I have to work with these people, these anal retentive + christian-ite, library people. No fun!!!!!!!!! Now I will describe + them for you: + + Arena: My Boss + =============== + + This woman is THE most anal woman I have EVER met in my ENTIRE + life! The first couple days that I worked here, she made a list of + things to know. Which is ok, if a normal person had written this list. + She included on it, the stapler, the waste baskets, the 3-hole puncher, + the scissors for Christs sake!!!!!! Everything has a place and + everything must be in it's place. ARGH! If anyone is reading this and + they know me, they'd know why this drives me up the fucking wall!!@$!#! + Anyways, so I told her I wouldn't be around Thanksgiving weekend. So + the next day I look on the schedule and she had taken me off for the + whole week! She figured if I couldn't work the weekend, I may as well + not work the week days! What is that?! Anyone with an explanation, + please, let me know. + + David: Adjunct + =============== + + Ok, this guy is the most anal man I have ever met. He only + works once a week, so I don't see him all that much. But when I do, + everything must be done just so, right at this very second. And if he + doesn't think I can do something the right way, he'll snatch it from me + and do it himself. He's a worrier. When he comes in he has his little + mini-cooler and his briefcase. The cooler is held absolutely upright. + He then puts the cooler under the desk, placed exactly, I mean EXACTLY + up against the side of the desk. The briefcase must be directly under + the drawer of the desk. If is gets moved he kinda freaks out and puts + it back. + + I know this is really mean, but it's really funny to watch him + freak, so I move his breifcase on purpose. It's fun. + + Actually, there aren't really any other anal people I work with. + Just anti-social. REALLY anti-social. Which is ok with me. + + Anal people are fun. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #338 - WRITTEN BY: MUZE - 12/14/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0339.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0339.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..62624376 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0339.txt @@ -0,0 +1,72 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #339 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The... House" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Meow !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/14/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + For a year now, John Appleton had been working on his house. + Not the regular repairs you might expect, namely the implementation of + a computer controlled house enviroment. + + A house which would sense conditions, learn preferences, and + adjust the surroundings accordingly. Finally it had all come together. + + He walked into the main server room, nervous and excited at + once. Music and lighting followed him. He sat at the control panel, + and began the startup procedure. A few moments later his creation was + born. He took a deep breath, and issued the first command. + + "computer" + + "yes john?" + + "secure the house" + + As electricity sped through the veins of the house, locks + closed and alarms were armed like a domino effect. Security cameras + aligned into position, and the matrix of the house began buzzing with + high voltage. + + "the house is now secure" + + oh my god it was perfect, he thought. A vista of technology + primarily to serve his needs. + + "john... some.." the synthesized voice died out. + + "computer??? is something wrong?" he asked, considering for a + moment the 12 months of hard work had been in vein. + + "sorry john, someone was smurfing the house.. i've re-routed + now." + + He sighed with relief, easing his way to the refrigerator. + "computer, let's celebrate" he said, cracking open a bottle of cheap + champagne. + + "ok john, let me put on my party gear" + + "computer?" + + "that was a joke john, lighten up" + + John laughed casually, before consuming the last few drops of + alcohol. Night fever began playing over the speaker system, and John + liked to dance! *Everybody was kung-fu fightiiiing* da da dum dum. + The songs just kept playing. John sure was exhausted. Hey lay back + and admired the digital domain he had created before the champagne + finally caught up with him. + + He rushed to the bathroom. + + "computer, quick! open the bathroom door!" + + "i'm afraid i can't do that, john" + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #339 - WRITTEN BY: MEOW - 12/14/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0340.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0340.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c65149a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0340.txt @@ -0,0 +1,178 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #340 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Drugs are bad, mmMM kay?" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> TPP !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/14/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Underground Gonzo journalist TPP here in my first HoE release + since the infamous unreleased article on extracting DMT from a human + brain. Recently, I was reading the local University Newspaper, when I + noticed an article so stupid and devoid of common sense that I had to + respond. Here is the article followed by my response. + + The State News -- Tuesday, Dec. 8, 1998 Email: opinion@statenews.com + ------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "Doing Drugs Can Cost Students Their Futures" + by Kenya Johnson + + There is a deadly war going on: the war on drugs. + + Drugs destroy families, deter dreams, scar innocent childhoods + and systematically trap people. If you turn to drugs there is the + possibility that you may never recover. Whatever happened in your life + that made you turn to drugs, the use of drugs always makes the + situation worse. + + No matter what it may be: alcohol, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy or + household cleaning products -- they can be deadly when they are abused. A + lot of us use drugs to impress others or to feel accepted. Even though + sometimes friends say that they don't want to influence you by their drug + use, they aren't satisfied until you use drugs, too. If you feel that the + only way you can be accepted is by abusing your body, then you don't know + what acceptance is. + + Whether it be the initiation to join a fraternity or sorority or + maybe your idea of having a good time, you're playing with something that + you only have one chance at: life. + + Some use drugs and decide that they will never use them again. + + Then there are others. + + They may have been told they would never amount to anything ever + since they were born. Prove those that ridiculed you wrong. Not by + getting high, but by choosing to take the high road in life. Choose the + high road by setting an example to the younger generation that watches + everything that you do, whether you know it or not. + + I can't speak from experience because I have never tried drugs. + I had a normal childhood and represented the letter 's' in spoiled, + which makes me the most vulnerable. We tend to stereotype people from + urban areas or poorer households, but drug use is prevalent from the + suburbs to the ghettos. + + No one knows what will happen to them in their lives. Whether + it be the tragic loss of a dear one, a devastating breakup or simply + the road of life seems to be at a dead end, don't turn to drugs. + + Drugs are used as a type of release from reality. When you are + high you feel like all of your troubles are beneath you. The hardest + part about getting high is the coming down process. Then you realize + that you are in the same predicament that you were in before you chose + to get high. Only now you're feeling worse because you realize that + you may be hooked on something that only lasts a moment but can change + your life forever. + + If you become addicted to drugs you risk losing everything: + your job, family and most importantly your dignity. There is always the + possibility of recovery. And that's all it is -- a possibility. There + are no guarantees when you decide to let drugs determine your fate. + + As you look at the world around you, it is factual that people + who are under the influence of drugs commit the most violent crimes. + People are rational but become irrational when they are under the + influence of drugs. You will do anything to get high, and will hurt + anyone that tries to get in your way. + + There are some that argue that they can handle getting high and + that they won't get hooked. I hope that they never do. Usually these are + the people that you would least suspect. They get high on weekends and on + special occasions such as birthdays and holidays. But it's also important + to remember that no one starts out being a drug addict. Over time your + body becomes accustomed and will crave drugs. + + I'm not an expert, but I don't have to be to know that taking + drugs simply isn't the answer. If you feel like you have to get high to + make it through the day, ask yourself if it's really worth it. Whenever I + have second doubts I always tell myself that it's not worth it if I can't + look at myself in the mirror. + + You can't blame it on the government or drug dealers. Drugs + wouldn't be sold if there wasn't a demand. Usually the people that sell + the drugs are in it for the money and nothing else. They may even + consider it their own business. + + Until we chose to put them out of business they will continue to + make economic profits that may cost you your future. + + -- Johnson, a political science junior, can be reached at: + johns934@pilot.msu.edu. + + ------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Previous columns by Kenya Johnson: + + * An A to Z of tips for a successful college career (Dec. 1, 1998) + * Thanksgiving a time to forgive and forget (Nov. 24, 1998) + * White males reign on list of Forbes' richest (Nov. 17, 1998) + + ------------------------------------------------------------------------- + The State News -- Thursday, Dec. 10, 1998 Email: opinion@statenews.com + ------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "Johnson Drug Column Offensive to Users" + by [TPP] + + As a drug user, I was personally offended by Kendra Johnson's + attack on drug users. It is just another symptom of the continuing + perpetuation of procrastination and/or calcitration of the man's + conspir-a-cee. + + After all, how many drug fiends are on the Forbes top 400? So + I'll tell you what I am going to do. I'm gonna take the people's + blotter, I'm gonna put it on the people's tongue, I'm gonna take the + people's trip and lay the smack down. I got four words for Kendra: + Flush out your head. That D.A.R.E. propaganda you regurgitated has no + basis in fact. I'll take Dr. Timothy Leary's advice over that of + weak-minded, uneducated fools. + + You sit there and write about something you admit you know + nothing about. How is that different from the stereotyping you seem to + be against? Well, I know from personal experience what drugs are like. + + Back in high school, I smoked marijuana daily for an entire + school year. Then one day I decided I didn't like it anymore and quit. + Just like that, without even thinking about it, without having to “get + help.” About a year later, I stumbled across some mushrooms. I was + never really into high school and spent my studying time learning about + computers and other topics of interest. I rarely did homework and my + grade point average was in the range 1.5-2.0. + + Shortly after that first trip, my GPA skyrocketed to the 3.0-4.0 + range. It made me realize that I would need a college degree to get a + decent job and have a future. Later trips convinced me to start working + out and now I am in perfect shape. + + Despite what you may have seen in those grade school drug + propaganda films, I have never had the urge to jump out a window, find + a rape victim, stare at the sun or knife my family to death. + + As far as addiction goes, it is a joke. Nicotine is far more + addictive than any illegal drug. I know ex-smackheads who can't stop + smoking. Addiction is only an excuse for not wanting to quit. As for + “coming down, this happens on very few drugs and is no big deal. It is + far more pleasant than any alcohol hangover I have had. + + I have not done any drugs in awhile and feel no urge to take + them. + + I have gone through these periods several times in my life + without any problems. My use of psychedelic drugs has been an entirely + positive experience. If it wasn't for them, I would not have been able + to get into college. Instead, I would be working at some nasty, + minimum-wage job for the rest of my life. + + Mrs. Johnson, I suggest that until you have a clue what it is + that you are talking about: Know your role, and shut your damn mouth! + + Go to the VaS Homepage! http://www.sinnerz.com/vas/ + + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #340 - WRITTEN BY: TPP - 12/14/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0341.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0341.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d108b459 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0341.txt @@ -0,0 +1,180 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #341 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Learn About Pagenwait!" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Pagenwait !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/14/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Ultimate survey for: Barbara Marie Embry + ----------------------------------------- + + Nicknames: barb, page, nightvere, staryvere, pagenwait + + Hometown: Born in Peoria, Illinois. Raised in Normal, Illinois. + Currently living in Columbus, Oh with boyfriend. + + Croutons or Bacon Bits: Bacon Bits all the way, bay-be! + + Favorite Salad Dressing: Ranch + + Do u drink: Not really. Nothing alcoholic, I mean. And I don't like + to drink water. + + Shampoo or conditioner: I use both, thank you very much. But as for + the brand, well, I get what is cheapest and + still smells good. + + Have you ever gone skinny dipping?: No, not really. I guess I was in a + hot tub naked with a guy who was + naked... does that count? + + Do u make fun of people: Well, yeah. Who doesn't? I try to make an + effort not to be too mean, though. + + Favorite Colour: Blue + + Have you ever been convicted of a crime?: No + + Best online friend met through internet: Wow. I've met so many of my + friends through the internet, + that I really couldn't limit + it down. But I guess I would + have to pick the boy, Phil. :) + + That I have never met: What kind of question is this? "Who is the best + online friend that I have never met?" That + makes no sense. Okay, I'll answer who is the + best friend that I met through some other + medium rather than the Internet. Even then I + + can't answer. I love Andy and Ogre... and I + guess Drew too, even though he and I aren't + talking right now. sigh. + + That I wish I had never met: Heh. There are lots of you people I wish + I had never met. I think it would be for + the better if I didn't name names. + + Pets: I had to leave my lovely dog, Taylor, at home when I moved to + Columbus. She's a really cute Scottie/Schnauzer mix. I miss + her. :( + + Favorite Type of Music: Oh my. Yeah right, like I can limit it to + something. I'll just look at my cd's... okay. + I like techno, industrial, rock, classical, + dance, alternative... uhm... yeah. + + Hobbies: Reading, watching tv, just plain relaxing when I'm not at work + or at school. I love to drive Phil crazy. I'm also still on + irc quite a bit, even if not around as much as I used to be. + I like driving around in my car and I love to go on walks + and to amusement parks. + + Sports: Not anymore. I used to do track, but that was decades ago. + I have a fondness for badminton. ...is sex a sport? :) + + Dream Car: I have a fondness in my heart for Oldsmobiles, since my + first car was one. I dig Mazdas. And I really, *really* + want a stick shift. I love the cars that are the misty, + silver gray color. Mmmm... + + Type of Car u drive now: Blue Toyota Camry. It's my mom's car, but + she's letting me have it so i can actually + go to school and work here in this other + state. The best part about it is that she's + still paying the insurance on it! yay! + + Phrase or words you use too much: "sigh." + "quit it boy" + "stop it boy" + "shut up phil, you know you can't + sing/you aren't funny" + + Toothpaste: Currently I believe we are using Colgate with Whitening + shite. That's only because his grandmother sent us off + with, like, a crate of it. But when I lived in Illinois, + I was raised on Aquafresh. Don't ask me why. I think + just because it was cheap. + + Favorite Food: Well, I love just about anything made from potatoes. + Baked, mashed, fried, chipped. :) Basically, though, + I love junk food. + + Current Boyfriend/Girlfriend?: Phil Huckelberry, the guy I'm living with. + + How do you characterize yourself?: Caring, overbearing, bitchy, but + full of love! Perfectionist, yet a + slob and a procrastinator. + + Do you get along with your parents?: Yeah, decently enough. + + Favorite town to chill in?: I love Chicago. So many things to do and + places to go and it's chock full of + museums, *plus* it's right near water and + has a Great America right nearby!! + + Favorite Movie: Oh hell. Many. "The Breakfast Club" "Vampire Hunter D" + "The Wizard of Oz" "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" "The + Silence of the Lambs" "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" + ...just to name a few :) + + Favorite Book: Oh hell. Many. "The Hobbit" "Alice in Wonderland" + "The Shining" I seem to really love children's stories. + + Currently reading: "A Crown of Swords" by Robert Jordan and a book of + Stephen Crane's collected works + + Favorite Ice Cream: Mint Chocolate Chip + + Favorite Alcoholic Drink: Kahlua, I guess. I hate beer. + + Favorite Drink: Dr. Pepper + + What's your bed time: Whenever I'm feeling tired. Varies between 1am + and 3am, I guess. + + Adidas, Nike or Reebok: Uhh... none of the above? Well, I guess right + now, I would choose Nike. Although when I was + younger, I always had to get white Reebok high + tops that had to velcro straps on the top. I + did that for a few years. Then I went to + capers. Then i went to my Eastland + Dr. Martins. I finally bought a new pair of + shoes. Yeah. I'm sure you all care. + + Favorite Song at the moment: Uhh... by which artist?? I can barely + limit it down to a favorite song by a + certain artist, let alone my favorite song + of all right now. Sheesh. + + Favorite Musical Groups: Tori Amos, Nine Inch Nails, Tool, Bjork, + The Orb, Aphex Twin, Pet Shop Boys, The Cure, + Oneiroid Psychosis, Kraftwerk, Smashing + Pumpkins, REM, Pearl Jam, the BASS TURD + (not in that order :), and that's not all, + either.) + + + Favorite Subject in High school: Well, I loved English. And Accounting. + And I loved my Finite Math teacher. As + for my favorite... I don't think I + could really say. + + Favorite Subject in University: I haven't taken enough classes to know + for sure. All I can say is that no + matter what class it was, I skipped it, + so they couldn't have been all that + great. + + Craziest Person Or Silliest Person U Know: I live with him. + + What do u look for / are attracted to: Sense of humor, eyes, hair, + boyish features :) + Ability to put up with me.... + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #341 - WRITTEN BY: PAGENWAIT - 12/14/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0342.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0342.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9f91c6fb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0342.txt @@ -0,0 +1,65 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #342 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "It Was Unmistakably Human" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Darwin !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/14/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Day 1 + ===== + + Today I will travel to the South American Jungle. I have no + companions except my cow. I hate everybody, but I like my cow. I will + arrive at my hut at six o' clock. + + Day 2 + ===== + + My cow, Clarabell, she likes the jungle and she likes the grass. + I also like the grass, and I eat with Clarabell. I haven't seen + anyone, and I am content. + + Day 3 + ===== + + It's raining cats and dogs as I write this. The rain is very + pretty here. The leaves are a beautiful and magnificent display. + I've never been this happy naturally. + + Day 4 + ===== + + Today, I went to the blue lake. When I arrived, two apes were + mounting each other. It was unmistakably human. I ponder my own + humanity. + + Day 5 + ===== + + Today, my nuclear bombs arrived. I am going to bomb New + England tomorrow morning. I am a nasty, evil guy. + + Day 6 + ===== + + The bombing was great, naturally. Many people died. The + Persian Gulf is my next target. It will be a surprise attack. I eat + my phenobarbitol and I sleep like a log. Tomorrow will be a good day. + + Day 7 + ===== + + Today, I bombed the Persian Gulf. Everybody is dead. A bomb + went off at my house. I am dead also. + + The reason for my trip: + + I wanted to go to the jungle because I hate you. I like nature + and I like nuclear bombs. I am happy in the jungle. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #342 - WRITTEN BY: DARWIN - 12/14/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0343.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0343.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..de8c369a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0343.txt @@ -0,0 +1,85 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #343 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Annoying Scratch" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Glynis !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/14/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + For as long as i can remember, i've asked tattooed people "did + it hurt?" that's always the first question that comes out of + eveveryone's mouth. i mean, come on, this is a needle injecting ink + into your skin, what else are you supposed to ask? and for every + person that i can remember, the answer is always "well, it didn't + HURT...it just felt like an annoying scratch." this is at LEAST 5 + people that said this. an annoying scratch. + + the reason that i am writing this is to clarify this term + "annoying scratch." 2 weeks ago i got a tattoo. I've been wanting one + for a while now, i've just been too scared to get one. (i have a crazy + fear of needles, and pain of any sort) but i was driving back from + chicago with 2 of my friends and we were talking shit about how we were + just going to go get tattoos the next day. we werent REALLY going to, + we were just trapped in a car at 3 in the morning. so right before + they dropped me off at home, andrea said to me "so i'll call you at 2 + and we'll go get tattooed" + + "ok" + + long story short, i end up in a tattoo place (in normal of all + places), still convinced i'm not getting one. of course by this time + i've already gone to the ATM, copied the picture, and signed the paper + saying i won't sue. STILL CONVINCED that i was NOT getting this + tattoo, i laid the $50 on the table and walked around back. + + i'm talking to the big scary tattoo guy about how much it hurts. + here's the conversation... + + Me: does this hurt? + + big scary tattoo guy: no + + me: but everyone says that about shots, and they're always lying + + bstg: no, shots hurt, this doesn't + + me: what about on the foot? i heard that hurts worse. + + bstg: well, i'll be honest with you, if this is your first tattoo i + wouldn't reccomend the foot. the foot hurts. you should get it + on your leg. + + my brain: don't be retarded. stupid people get them on the leg. + + me: well i'm getting it on my foot. i don't care. + + my brain: hahahaha yeah right. billy billy billy + + so the next thing i know i'm sitting in the fucking chair with + this guy holding my foot. andrea and nikki are holding both my hands + and i'm shaking like crazy. + + ok now here's my problem with the term "annoying scratch": + that didn't feel like an annoying scratch. it felt like A FUCKING + NEEDLE INJECTING INK INTO MY SKIN. i have virtually no skin on the top + of my foot, and this guy is digging into bone here. I don't know where + these people get "it doesn't HURT...." + + PAIN = HURT + + that was very painful, therefore it hurt. from now on when + people say it doesn't hurt, they are lying. it's not annoying, it's + painful. tell them to shut up. + + so now that i've clarified that, you all know better. and even + though that is usually the first asked question, i'm in a completely + different situation. the first question I get is "is it smashing + pumpkins related?" i'm not going to answer that question. then after + i show them the tattoo i get "that doesn't look real. is it real?" + fuck you. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #343 - WRITTEN BY: GLYNIS - 12/14/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0344.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0344.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..09ae43f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0344.txt @@ -0,0 +1,48 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #344 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "I Want To Fuck A Midget" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Ashtray Heart !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/14/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I readily admit to being a man of certain, shall we say, sexual + idiosyncrasies. Fetishes, if you will. This is not one of them, or at + least, is not a fetish in the same sense that the others (which shall go + unmentioned at this juncture because they're not really relevant. If + you stick around long enough you'll figure out one of them. The other + one I don't talk about because I'm sort of embarassed by it.) are. If + it is a fetish, it's more of an intellectual fetish, or a fascination, + rather than something that (to be blunt) gets my dick hard even + contemplating it. + + I want to fuck a midget. Some of you will probably think me + some sort of mean-spirited jokester or insensitive cad just for saying + this. I fully realize that being a midget is not a joke, that it is a + serious matter that can cause them a great deal of pain. Nevertheless, + I don't think it's being prejudiced to be sexually fascinated by them. + It's no worse than liking women with big breasts. Well, perhaps worse. + I wouldn't fuck a woman just because she had big breasts, while I would + fuck a woman simply for being a midget. But I certainly don't mean it + to obscure all their other human qualities. If she was a nice person, + in terms of possessing those human qualities which I enjoy, I'd like to + have an ongoing relationship with her. But even if she wasn't, I'd + want to fuck her. Just for being a midget. + + It's not some sort of kiddie porn thing. Midgets are mature + human beings in my book, and should be treated as such. It does have + something to do with the mechanics. The obvious disparity in height, + for example. She could probably give me a blowjob without even + kneeling. It just presents all sorts of possibilities. And yet, from + what I'm told, midgets' sexual organs are still full size. So there + wouldn't even be difficulty on that end of it. + + I probably won't ever have the opportunity. I'm extremely shy + and reserved around women as it is, much less midgets. Nonetheless, + it would be fun to do. Just one more idle dream of mine. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #344, WRITTEN BY ASHTRAY HEART, 12/14/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0345.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0345.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2a96f720 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0345.txt @@ -0,0 +1,213 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #345 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Selected Witty Retorts !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: For Completely Desperate Idiots" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by Mogel 12/14/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Conversation is dangerous, especially if you're stupid. Most + often the danger comes from the always-present potential that a deadly + verbal bomb might be unleashed -- dispensing its raw, verbal damage into + unsuspecting victims. Yes, I'm referring to the awesome power of the + witty retort. + + A witty retort can do just so many things. It can earn you much + deserved respect from your peers for you being "clever". It can impress + someone you are trying to romance by having them think you are "clever." + It can also brighten those dark moments in your life -- because even if + life sucks, at least you're "clever". As you can see, it's obvious that + if you use witty retorts you are clever. + + At this point you might be noticing this word I keep using -- + clever. This would imply that there's some form of thought process + involved in the act of spouting a witty retort. This is true. A true + witty retortist is very much like a kung-fu master. Not only is it + difficult to tell who might be a Master of the art, but they are also + have the ability to inflict great damage onto anyone. You, too, should + aspire to be this end. When the last day of earth comes, I want you to + be the zany guy, standing on a mountain, saying, "see you guys tomorrow! + hyuk, hyuk!" + + For now, though, you're stupid. I can relate. Therefor, as + training I've composed a relatively short list of witty retorts that + you are free to steal from me and use as a defense against would-be + verbal assassins. Good luck. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Technique #1: Pretend you didn't hear them. + =========================================== + + Simply ignoring someone who is harassing you would be easy and + mature, which is obviously not what we want. I'm not referring to that. + This technique requires a little bit of acting. You need to scrunch up + your face, look confused, and act as if you didn't hear them correctly. + Now simply acting as if you didn't correctly hear them would be too much + of a cop out -- and it would also give them the opportunity to repeat + their same stupid joke again. + + Instead, I propose you suggest various alternative things the + offending party might (or blatantly wouldn't) have said. This takes + quick-thinking, as whatever you choose should at least sound remotely + similar. If all else fails, just say, "your what hurts?" Here's some + examples: + + Them: I'm gonna kick your ass. + You: You have a lot of gas? Huh? + Them: You're such a dumb faggot. + You: You anal rape Bob Saget? Huh?? + Them: I'm going to shoot you with my gun. + You: Your what hurts? + + Technique #2: Attack people with obvious physical flaws. + ======================================================== + + Adopted from the infamous Grade School Bully, it's always quick + and easy to attack people's most strikingly obvious insecurities. It + serves its purpose of being a snappy thing to say to someone, however, + the one weakness to this technique is the Obvious Factor -- that is, + the probability that after enough times being insulted on a specific + thing, the victim might start developing witty retorts of their very + own to deal with you. + + Don't worry, of course -- there are various ways to get around + this. Most notably, do this: be annoying as shit. + + Also as an interesting-yet-tragic side note, the very people + with obvious physical flaws are the most common to use this technique + against each other. Like watching television, you can virtually watch + their projected insecurities pass along each other like a virus. It's + eerie. + + Here's what you do. + + Mr. Repeat + ---------- + + Them: Excuse me, do you have the time? + You: Yes, but you're fat. + Them: Uhm... that's pretty rude. + You: Okay, but you're fat. + Them: Bye, asshole. + You: That's interesting. You're fat. + + Mr. Questions + ------------- + + You: how on earth did you get so ugly? + Them: Excuse me? + You: I mean really, were you dropped on your head as a child? Were you + put into a special summer camp as a child? What was it like + growing up, being ugly, in such a cosmetic and superficial world? + It must have been hard. + + Technique #3: The sneaky explitive. + =================================== + + These are slightly more advanced than just blurting out simple + phrases like "Fuck you", which wouldn't be considered witty at all (even + if it's much more useful and funny at times). This simply requires you + "setting up" an surprise insult. This takes creativity, which is hard + if you're stupid, so I'll give you a few suggestions. + + You: Would you like some soda? + Them: Okay. + You: How about a can of SHUT THE HELL UP! + + You: I want to go on a trip. + Them: To where? + You: I was thinking about visiting SHUT THE HELL UP! + + Obviously this technique begs for the pseudo-witty literal humor + reply, "I've never had that soda before," or "Are there any malls + there?" If this is done, repeat this again and again until they leave. + + Technique #4: I am in 2nd grade. + ================================ + + This technique uses something called a "sarcastic tone." A + sarcastic tone is a way of speaking in which what you are saying isn't + really what you mean. Sometimes it can even be that you mean the exact + opposite of what you say. Ocassionaly even *I* will use sarcasm. + Sarcasm is a useful tool. + + Here are two of the most basic and easy sarcastic techniques + ever imaginable. + + Simply repeat whatever is said to you in a really whiney, + high-pitched voice. This implies "mockery". The imitated victim will + feel a sense of doubt on if you respect what they are saying. + + You can also easily default to the always common "yeah, right." + or "suuure." + + Technique #5: Fawning affection. + ================================ + + If someone becomes very obnoxious, another sarcastic technique + is to compliment what they do or say in excess. Here are some examples: + + Them: You're as stupid as a rock. + You: That was a very clever insult and I'd imagine it took you a great + deal of time to research and compose that. I should write it down + and use it for my own collection of clever insults. In addition, + I can't help but appreciate the use of an almost poetic simile. + Them: Huh? Look, give me all your money and I won't shoot you with + my gun. + You: My, you look so tough with that shiny revolver. And your + voice... it's so menacing and strong. + + Technique #6: Join generation-x! + ================================ + + This technique is absolutely brilliant if you want people to + think you're way too smart to even be talking to them. It doesn't + matter what they say, intelligent or stupid, just stare them in the + face and say "whatever." Brilliant. + + Technique #7: Dare to compare. + ============================== + + This can save you from a dangerous encounter and/or it can shred + your victim to bits. Simply shift any attention off yourself and onto + someone else. Here are some examples: + + Them: You're so pathetic. + You: If *I'm* pathetic, then you must be the most pathetic person in all + of world history. + Them: Am I, asshole? + You: I may be an asshole, but at least I'm not Hitler. + + Technique #8: The "you would" clause. + ===================================== + + A psychological timebomb, the "you would" clause is to be used + against any statement with either the words "I think" or "I don't think" + in them, as a personal opinion. For example, if someone said, "I think + people like you belong in jail," or "I don't think [insert phrase here]," + the appropriate reply would use either "you would" (or, if applicable, + "you wouldn't"). + + Why is this useful? Well, it's funny because no matter what + was said, the reply "you would," will force the person to eventually + think that you have some secret, clever, and logical attacking + implication somewhere, even if the actual effort used in saying + "you would" is almost a default. It's so easy it's painful. Your + victim will be asking himself, consciously or subconsciously, "WHAT DOES + HE MEAN 'YOU WOULD' WHEN I SAY I REALLY LOVE BREAD?" + + Technique #9: Deny that they exist. + =================================== + + This technique causes the victim to do a lot of thinking, and + confuses most people enough to give you time to get away. Basically, + just deny that they exist. Not in thought, just say things like, + "You're pretending as if you really existed." or "I don't have to + listen to you because you don't really exist." + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #345 - WRITTEN BY: MOGEL - 12/14/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0346.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0346.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ec229e46 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0346.txt @@ -0,0 +1,56 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #346 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Death Becomes Him" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Neko !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Once there was this guy. + + For the sake of the story, let's call him Alex. + + Alex went to a club. + + Nothing significant happened at this club. Kinda makes me + wonder -- why did I even bother to mention this club? It's not like + anything determining the outcome of Alex's life happened there. Or did + it? Is human nature such that every event, no matter how small and + insignificant, has an effect on the outcome of our life? It could be. + After all, Alex could've gone for a walk this evening and gotten shot. + But no -- he went to the club. Where is the significance here? Perhaps + the lack of significance is important. You see, everywhere Alex goes he + is followed by hundreds of people, for he is a famous movie star. So + the fact that no one followed him to the club and that not one thing of + significance happened to him at the club is significant. + + Alex decided that since his trip to the club was so + insignificant, he would leave. Alex had walked about 100 feet before he + was robbed and shot. Now Alex encountered one of the most significant + events in his life -- Death. + + Death embraced Alex with open arms. Alex, however, was reluctant + to return this embrace. He was quite certain that nothing significant + could happen to him from beyond the grave and requested that Death allow + him to return to Earth where he might be able to experience significance. + Death shrugged it's shoulders and complied. + + Alex decided that since his trip to the club was so insignificant, + he would leave. Alex had walked about 100 feet before he was robbed and + shot. Now Alex encountered one of the most significant events in his + life -- Death. + + Death embraced Alex with open arms. Alex, however, was reluctant + to return this embrace. He was quite certain that nothing significant + could happen to him from beyond the grave and requested that Death allow + him to return to Earth where he might be able to experience significance. + Death shrugged it's shoulders and complied. + + Alex decided that since his trip to the club was so insignificant, + he would leave. Some people never learn. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #346 - WRITTEN BY: NEKO - 12/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0347.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0347.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2e2b089f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0347.txt @@ -0,0 +1,102 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #347 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Christian Conspiracy" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Anjee !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Sometimes, when IRC'ing, you may run into many wackos, freaks or + perverts. However, "Sock" fits none of these catagories, or does he fit + all of them? Anyhow. As most of you know, late nights and boredom can + sometimes lead to very interesting and educational (whatever) + conversations. Below is a log of my dear, dear friend Sock and his + theory about the christian conspiracy. Also, I removed any comments that + I had made during that conversation because they were mostly "hehe", + "haha" and "LoL"s. + + NOW... Are you ready to know the truth? =) + + (P.S. Seeing this was about a year ago, I have no clue what began + this sudden burst of truth. I dont think that matters though.) + + It's part of our culture to go out and have sex b4 Marriage.. + It's our way of fighting back against the church.. + We'd be out havin sex b4 marriage with Nuns and Preists if + we could, (That'd really piss the church off) + But that'll have to be next generation doing that.. + See..the whole reason the church wuz ever invented wuz so + that when ppl die, we can say "He's gone to a better place" + He hasn't gone to a better place!! + He's 6 feet underground, rotting in a box! + You call that a better place?!?!?! + Well, Now... Some theives up and die.. + well, They're nawt going to a better place.. + so we up and say "Heaven" says we must follow these rules to + get to that "Better place" (Which is a box 6 feet underground + that no one wants to end up in..) + Ok..So we strt putting ppl in control of this here "Heaven and + gettin in.." Hence the preists, and the pope, and Cardnals.. + etc etc.. + So they begin making up more rules.. And they've got True + power, cause ppl are following these rules.. + Then one day, ppl ain't following the rules so much nemore.. + And they're partying and having phun, and drinking, and + whipping their asses with the rule book.. + These ppl are losing their power.. + So.. One of um Goes, and knocks up his wife.. Calls their son + Jesus.. Our Lord.. God's son, sent to save Mankind.. + (When in truth, all they want is that power back...) + So.. 33 years old, this guy gets hung up on a cross, and + poof.. he's dead.. They take the body, throw it into a tomb.. + One of the ex-powerfull ppl decide to go steal the body.. + I dunna know what he did with it..Hung it up on his wall, + Mounted the head above his fireplace, I dunno.. I don't care + All of a sudden, that "Son of God"'s entire body wuz ressurected + either.. (Good word, I think they invented it just fer him.. + Lucky bastard.. One day I'll get a word invented fer me.. (I + think it'll be a cross between stupid and crazy.. crupid?)) + Ok..So this church is now back in power, kickin ass and takin' + names.. + They've got a buncha power now.. + (And a head mounted on their wall..) + Lucky bastards.. + So they start up all these holy wars.. + To "Expel the deamons and bring the word of the one true God + to every1" (Actually, to expand their territory and give + themselves more power) + So now they're really powerfull.. + Today, Not so powerful.. Ppl aren't partying and praising Cows + and stuff like b4, now they're all interested in making cash.. + So they're losing their power again.. + Hence the second coming of Jesus.. + well, guess what.. Some other poor fool's head is gunna be + mounted on the pope's wall soon, because it's a crock of + shit.. + And they keep pushing the rules on us.. + So FUCK THEM!!! + (Especially some of the nuns..they're pretty cute, and the + fact that they've never been doinked b4 is pretty kewl) + We're gunna go over there and infect their "Holy Lines" With + Good ole fashion WHITE TRASH!!! + So Now we populate and propegate.. + And next generation.. My Sons... Are gunna be doinking those + nuns that I never got to.. + (They'll be old by then, but hopefully they'll still be cute) + And my daughters are gunna be ridin the preists.. + We'll fuck their holy line outta them.. + But our generation can only fuck eachother to get back at the + church.. + (Church still has to much power..But we're changing that) + So to the church.. I give.. My Right buttcheek followed by my + left... + To the lil kids out their bird doggin chicks and bangin beaver, + I give ya thumbs up.. + To the church.. No thumbs.. Ya get the finger.. + * The_Sock has spoken.. Al-leigh-luya! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #347 - WRITTEN BY: ANJEE - 12/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0348.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0348.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e7dff831 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0348.txt @@ -0,0 +1,144 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #348 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Precisely" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: A revue sketch by -> Viledandy !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + [ A room. Spare modern furniture. Table, sofa, soft + chairs, television, etc. ] + + [ Two men. Both in their twenties. ] + + [ A laying sideways across chair. ] + + [ B curled on sofa. ] + + [ Murmurs of television heard. ] + + [ They watch in silence. ] + + A: Quiz shows. + + [ Pause. ] + + What the fuck are you doing watching fucking quiz shows? + + [ Pause. ] + + B: Eh, do you see that? + + A: Do I see what? + + B: That. This woman, there. They've just given her five thousand + for walking around bollock naked with a sandwich board on, in + the park. + + [ Pause. ] + + A: If she had a sandwich board on, then she wasn't bollock naked, + was she? + + B: Of course she was. Look there. Look, you can see her tits + pushing their way out the sides. Watch the jiggle. There! I'm + surprised they haven't, you know, put one of those bars across it + or something. Blacked it out. Especially when having it on at + this time of day. + + A: Yes. My point _being_ that the board has mostly covered those + same tits right up. Do you see? She could be wearing + flesh-coloured wool knickers under that thing, for all you and + I know. It's all a matter of appearances, perceptions, + percentages, all for television. Skin to board. + + [ Pause. ] + + B: Rubbish. Look at that. Saggy old bitch. Look at that. That's + gravity, that's what that is. Unmistakable. It's disgusting. + That's what they ought to black out. If they're going to put a + pair of tits on free TV at his time of the morning, they at least + ought to be . . . what's the . . . what's the . . . what's the + word, rhymes with turd . . . + + A: Pert. + + B: Pert, yeah. Springy, you know. Taut. + + [ Pause. ] + + A: My friend, "pert" does not rhyme with "turd". + + B: It does. + + A: It doesn't. + + B: It does nearly! + + [ Pause. ] + + A: Listen. PerrrrrrT. TurrrrrrD. T. D. D. T. They don't + rhyme unless you've got a lisp. + + [ Pause. ] + + B: It's poetic license. + + A: You haven't got the right to poetic license. You're not a poet. + + B: That's where you're wrong. Because I'm not just a poet, but a + connessieur. + + A: Of quiz shows. + + B: Of the female form! + + [ Pause. ] + + Of the curvaceous and rarefied female form. That's what. + + You take any old waster, your garden variety, dole-line, + three-pack-a-day waster, and you show him that pair of tits we + see before us, and he gets his pecker up over them. As is only + natural and human, of course, but then again he doesn't know + about _surface_, does he, about _contour_, and + _apportionment_ . . . + + A: And you do. + + B: I do. I happen to be blessed with the soul of a poet. With the + disposition of one who makes his way by moonlight, it might be + said. + + [ Pause.] + + But I'm a man as well, natural and human, and thus it's very + important for me to keep my pecker up. Keeping your pecker high + is vital, for health and well being, for _peace of mind_, and + with such a disposition, with such a way of _looking at life_, it + becomes impossible for me to do so when faced with . . . saggy + tits . . . and . . . such . . . accidents . . . of gravity. + + [ Pause. ] + + A: How high? + + B: Hmn? + + A: How important is it to keep your pecker high? + + B: Well . . . for example . . . how high is a rastafarian? + + A: Soaring. + + B: Precisely. + + A: Thank you. + + [ Silence. ] + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #348 - WRITTEN BY: VILEDANDY - 12/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0349.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0349.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..59a76208 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0349.txt @@ -0,0 +1,37 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #349 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "A Bunch of Little Notes !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: I Wrote to Myself" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by Kreid 12/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + People have roles and are motivated by real people in real drama. + Shoot the pigeon. Eat rice krispies with seltzer water, it's good, and + if you don't like it, pour it in the toilet, it looks cool. Oh my god! + That man is crazy! Get him off my television! Get biscuit-ersed, + asymmetrical, bite onto me, never bleach your teeth, fuck that shit, + wait for boredom. Let me into your mind, vegetable man. Do you really + want to understand more? See how fucking stupid incoherence is? Do you + think you could do it any better than this, fucker? I'm less nothing + than you. This is less than meaninglessnessthiss. You poor fucker. I + just stuck a pencil in my nose. Biscuit. The Good Lord does not close + a door without opening a window. A cardinal sin. Do not write inside + the circle of life. Important information is the future of America. Do + not modify system-wide defaults. Please do not touch our look at these + detailed instructions. Amarketing strategy suitable for the 1990's. + Biscuit. A parentless boy raised by billy goats. Mathematically + formulated tomfooleries. All in a world full-a dumb bitchezz. The + world is like my ass: beautiful and perfect. Give me one page in every + magazine. I'm always screeming in yor face. You just snicker! and + snicker! and snicker! and snicker! snicker! snicker! SNICKER! + Simulate +++ beep! DO your HOMEWORK, NOT your GIRLFRIEND! It doesn't + make you any less of a dork, dork. Biscuit. I want to jerk off onto + the television just so that I can say that I did it. I'm only the + second dumbest motherfucker in the universe. M0T0RVR00M. Biscuit. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #349 - WRITTEN BY: KREID - 12/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0350.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0350.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..45cbc1e0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0350.txt @@ -0,0 +1,93 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #350 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Origin of Euphoria" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> AnonGirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + "Mom!! I saw the Easter Bunny come and leave our baskets for us + last night!" + "Sure you did, honey, sure you did." + "No I swear! He was there!" + "I know, dear." + + Fact is, the kid really DID see the Easter Bunny last night. + + Many people have called me insane for the theory I'm about to + present, but fuck 'em, cause I believe it. Don't worry, it's very okay + not to believe what I'm going to say, because in "reality", it does sound + entirely ridiculous. This is really just one of my not-so-intelligent + conspiracy theories I made up when I was 16, probably stoned out of my + mind. + + Children are baked. + + You see, when a child is conceived, there's a certain chemical + mixture that occurs inside the womb. Depending on what food and drink + the mother consumes, and if she drinks alcohol, does drugs, or smokes + cigarettes during her pregnancy, the child can be anywhere from slightly + buzzed to baked off of their asses. If Mom eats strange foods and + ingests a lot of caffeine, the kid'll be 'kinda feelin it' until age 9 + or 10. However, if Mom is a former wild child and takes in all sorts of + booze and cigarettes, the kid will be tripping hard until they're about + 11 or 12. That's why some kids tend to be more creative and imaginative + than others. The kids who lose their buzz by 9 or 10 also lose a good + percentage of their imagination. If Mom was a druggie while pregnant, + it's a high chance she'll have a Ritalin kid, which are the kids who are + so completely wrecked that they can't even control themselves; they + can't grip reality. They're pretty much screwed until 13 or 14. + + "Daddy! There's a monster under my bed! It's going to eat me!" + "Har, har, son! What a wild imagination you've got!" + "NO DAD SERIOUSLY!#!@! IT'S GONNA GET ME! HE'S REAL!!" + + The dialogue above is a prime example of the oh-so-common + "Bad Trip". Everyone has them, you can't avoid them, not now, and not + then. The terrifying feelings of paranoia sink in very well, especially + when you're high and alone in a dark place. I've bad tripped several + times during classroom video or slide show presentations. But as soon + as I made it to the hallway, I'd be fine, just as the kid who's afraid + of the monster coming to get him from under his bed is okay once the + light is turned on. + + Most people wish they could return to their childhoods. Really, + if we weren't all baked back then, would we really have bought the idea + of a jolly fat man in a red suit sliding down our chimneys (even if + some of us lived in apartments) and leaving us all these awesome toys + under a pine tree covered in *cOoL sPaRkLy ThInGs* and shiney balls?? + Or some old lady coming in who collects TEETH from under our pillows? + Or a gigantic bunny (which, to me, is terrifying) hiding baskets of + chocolate eggs and other candies in our homes? And what about that + whole thing about this God guy up in the sky who created everything and + lives in the clouds?? What's up with THAT?! + + I respect religion though, don't get me wrong. + + Naturally, one's first thought when their buzz is slowly coming + down, is 'I need to get more!!'. So, when the buzz starts coming down, + we bring it up again by manually filling the emptying holes in our souls + with "illegal narcotics" so we can try and go back to our childhoods + once again. Unfortunately, with the invention of science, came madmen + (they've always been around, but for some odd reason a hell of a lot of + them tend to steer towards science.. trust me..). These madmen kept on + asking 'What if?' and would increase the dosages and types of drugs + around, leaving them addictive, extremely hallucogenic, and even harmful. + But that's not the reason why all of these Partnerships and cops are + pushing for a Drug-Free America, no, no. Considering the governments + don't want the free world to be HAPPY, they must rid the world of these + "harmful drugs", to ensure public misery. + + Canadian cigarette packs (which provide AWESOME filter + cardboard), Pixie Sticks and Alice in Wonderland were made for a reason! + + Okay, so I'm crazy. Shoot me. + + The next time you're wondering why your childhood memories have + become "hazy", think about it. :) + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #350 - WRITTEN BY: ANONGIRL - 12/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0351.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0351.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0e3fe1b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0351.txt @@ -0,0 +1,135 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #351 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: =========================================== + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: "People are Dumb and Stupid and Jerks !! + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: and Mean and Evil and Really Quite Cruel !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: and I Don't Like Them One Bit" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by Squinky 12/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Ok, when Mogel asked me to write something for hoe, you know + actually WRITE SOMETHING FOR HOE, rather than recycle old posts or my + college transcript, I was like, "OK, I guess I owe that to you." + Because, I guess I really do. + + So, what could I write for HOE? + + What could I possibly write for HOE that would be original and + edifying and throw light onto a subject that's pertinent to us all as + human beings? + + And I realized, it hit me in a moment of pure inspiration, I + need to write a file about how stupid people are! + + So, ok, here goes: + + Damn, I hate people. They are as stupid as all shit. No one + understands me anymore, and everyone is a gigantic cultural illiterate + incapable of understanding the simplest references to things like + Sailor Moon or Dragon Ball Z (or GT) or Hentai or James Joyce or Henry + James or Allen Ginsberg. + + Just the other day, I said to this guy I know, "My name is Allen + Ginsberg, and I'm crazy as a daisy." + + you know what he said? + + "What the fuck are you talking about? You're name is Jarett, + and you aren't crazy at all." + + See? He's an idiot! I mean, ANYONE with even the SLIGHTEST + inclination of CULTURE would be able to understand that what I said was + a quote from a time magazine interview with Ginsberg & 2 others from + the mid-to-late 1960s, when American was on the cusp of a social and + political revolution. + + Or like, last weekend, at Thanksgiving, 1998, I'm sitting at + the table and I'm talking about Al Pacino, one of our finest actors, + and I do my impersonation of Pacino in Heat. I say, "Because she's got + a GREAT ASS!" I even do the facial contortions and the exact same + gesticulation that Pacino does, man, I've got it down cold. AND NO ONE + FUCKING LAUGHS. NOT A SINGLE LAUGH. They're all a bunch of illiterate + assholes. + + See, the problem is, as we move into the 21st century, our + technology has numbed us to the important things in life. It used to + be, in ages past, that people would be interested in the real things in + life, like Love, Friendship, and Brotherhood. Now all people care about + are cars and beepers and cellular phones. And oh yeah, LAND, man, all + anyone ever thinks about anymore is LAND. It's because we've been + numbed by this fast paced culture we live in, its effect is to serve as + a general anaesthetic, making us blithely unaware of what's going around + us. + + I call television the idiot box and the boob tube and the people + around me get mad, because I DARE insult their fucking new God. + Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, these things are ALL DEAD! The only + thing that remains is Television! People worship it! You probably + know more about the cast of friends than you do your own family! + + You fuckers! + + People are getting stupider! and there's more of them than + ever before! We're slowly dying! Our culture is in the Winter of its + life! Oh, god! oh god! Oh god! + + Well, I don't have much else to say, but I'd just to add in that + I'M NOT TRYING TO BE ANGSTY AND I'M NOT ANGSTY. I've thought about this + a whole lot, and I think my thought elevates me past the ANGST, and I'm + not one of those people who are like, "THE WORLD IS COMING TO END! + EVERYONE SUCKS! I'M SAD AND ANGSTY!@&($&(*$!@&*$&^*!@$&*^@!*(^@^&*($^&" + + This is serious cognitive thought you're dealing with, not some + humble teen aged emotion. + + !!========================================================================!! + + OK. + + Well, the above is a demonstration of the NUMBER ONE TRAP H0E + writers have the misfortune of falling into: writing a text file about + how everyone is stupid and dumb and a jerk, and then claiming that they + aren't angsty afterwards. + + Now, I'm not going to address the issue of whether or not these + text files have any worth, or whether or not they're so commonplace as + to become as mundane as pissing in the toilet, but I am going to address + this issue of ANGST being viewed as a bad thing. + + Since I assume most people associated with H0E are illiterate, + (including both writers and readers), I decided to put in the + definition of ANGST in this file. + + But then, I decided I hate people who resort to dictionaries for + justification, as dictionaries are little more than the misguided + children of Samuel Johnson. Johnson wasn't attempting to keep the + language static. Current dictionaries are. + + Oh what the hell: + + Angst. n : an acute but unspecific feeling of anxiety; usually + reserved for philosophical anxiety about the world or about personal + freedom. + + You know, inherently, there's nothing WRONG with angst. + + People *should* be angsty. + + It's as genuine an emotion as love or hate or fear, which, I'm + sure, the mention of has evoked the standard response from all you + HARD CORE modem people out there. You know the response I'm talking + about, you just muttered it beneath your breath. You stupid fag. + + So, I'm not particularly inclined to making the same point over + and over and over again, which means this article is about to end. + + here's the sum total: HOE WRITERS WRITE ABOUT PEOPLE BEING + STUPID, REALIZE HOW STUPID IN TURN THEY HAVE BEEN, AND TRY TO DISGUISE + IT BY CLAIMING THEY AREN'T ANGSTY. + + Don't. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #351 - WRITTEN BY: SQUINKY - 12/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0352.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0352.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..54303fa4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0352.txt @@ -0,0 +1,229 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #352 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "It's a Conspiracy" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mr. Sandman !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/16/98 (originally written on 7/10/96) !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Have you ever wondered if you were the unknowing participant of + some secret experiment? When I go to work, that is how I feel. I am + currently being paid $9 an hour to sit in a cubicle and do absolutely + nothing. Recently the idea popped into my mind that maybe the government + is responsible. They are trying to see how long I can sit in a box with + no windows and boring fluorescent lights before I finally crack. Do you + get the same feeling when you are at work? Well, worry no more. I am + going to explain how to throw a monkey wrench into their experiment. I + will also explain how to recognize the numerous experiments being + conducted upon you. + + Games + ===== + + Believe me that "they" are well aware that you will be playing + video games on your little Windows machine if you have one. If they did + not want you to play the games, they could easily remove them. + Unfortunately, games such as Solitaire and Minesweeper do not provide + much escape from the nothing you are working[?] in. This is because these + games are scientifically designed to keep you bored while successfully + hiding your boredom from you. + + You must know what I am talking about. When I have nothing to do, + I always click into the stupid Windows games. While I play, it is like + an extraordinarily weak opiate. I am not aware of my boredom when I + play, but I am not entertained either. Then once my game is over, I + play it again without hesitation in order to keep the reality of my + meaningless situation from crashing down on me. + + Now, I told you that the government is involved and you probably + want proof. The connection is simple. I will explain it step by step. + The first reason the games are present on the machine is because the + corporate white collars do not want us to move up along the ladder. + Think of the main thing that happens when you are playing the game. You + never pause to think how to climb out of the boring position you have. + You just waste time and let your brain go numb. + + As long as you continue playing the games, the white collars are + safe. However, do not think they are not intimidated by us. The + corporate world phears those with computer skills because A) it is + obvious we have enough brain power to do their jobs and B) we could + actually get things finished quickly. The white collars do not want to + lose their jobs where they can be lazy and get paid 100 grand a year. + Therefore, they needed to find a way to hide our skills from their + superiors. Unfortunately, the simple weapons of Mine Sweeper and + Solitaire have been the most affective against us. + + The next step reaches the government. As anyone with a pair of + working eyes can tell you, the government does not represent the common + interests of the people. Instead, the government represents the common + interests of the highest bidder. The corporate zombies are a large + source of income for most politicians. There are lots of kickbacks and + donations that come in from the corporate world. As a result, the + government protects itself and the corporate cronies by developing these + Windows games. + + Now some of you are probably wondering why the government would + care if we took over the well-paying corporate positions. The government + is scared because they could potentially lose their power and money. + Right now, they already have guaranteed income. They stand to lose it if + we take over. Also, how many of us would give to these clowns after + knowing what they have put us through for years? There will be no + forgiveness for Solitaire. + + Then, it all comes back to the Digital Anti-Christ, Bill Gates. + Bill has kicked big money into the government in order to make sure that + the games/brainwashing tools are developed solely for the Windows + environment. As a result, we become hooked to the Windows system for + the games. The weaker individuals actually start to think that Windows + is a great "OS" and is necessary to do simple word processing. + Therefore, you will not find a single corporation that is not using + Windows 3.1, 95, or NT on their computers. + + By the end, all parties are happy. The lowly employees are + content with their worthless, unused, cog-like jobs. The white collars + are happy because, as long as asses are kissed, there is no threat of + them losing their jobs. The government is happy because the money is + still rolling in.. Finally, Bill Gates the Wanna-be God is happy + because his system is being used. + + Television + ========== + + Television is the other tool that is used to keep the lowly worker + down. What do most of us do when we get out of our boring 8-5 jobs + during the week? We go back to our house and click on the TV. Just like + the games, the television shows are enough to keep your mind from + thinking about your worthless situation, but not enough to provide an + escape. This keeps the workers in a steady daze throughout the week and + never lets them realize that they are being screwed. + + But, as if the weekdays were not enough, they have targeted our + weekends too! The name of the enemy of our weekends is... The X-files! + Too many people have become addicted to this show... They come home on + Friday and watch the show. Then they discuss the show with their + friends. Finally, they start wondering about UFO cover-ups by the + government and theorize about them. As a result, they never become + aware of the real government conspiracy to keep the worker down. + + There are three groups of people who are responsible for the + X-files Television Conspiracy. The first group is made up of + advertisers. The advertisers fight hard to have slots during this + show because it is the one time that the workers are actually enjoying + television. As a result, the workers are more likely to buy what they + see advertised during the show because they will associate it with their + enjoyment. Unfortunately, this causes the worker to become a slave to + the new evil-empires [i.e. Taco Bell, the new OB, Hair Club for Men, + etc.]. + + The next level of this conspiracy reaches the heads of the FOX + network. They work their hardest in order to preserve the quality of + this one show so they can keep the advertisers. The advertisers give + big money to FOX for the privilege of having an X-files slot. If the + worker were to stop watching the X-files, FOX would lose their income + and power. Then they would be forced to experiment with a variety of + flops to take over the slot [i.e. Herman's Head, House of Buggin', etc.]. + + Finally, the government can be recognized as the head of this + conspiracy. They give the stories of the extra-terrestrials to FOX in + order to make it easier on their writers. Whether or not the stories are + true is irrelevant. Through spreading these stories, the government has + created a fascination among the workers. Therefore, many of us run + around looking for proof and answers to these stories which we will never + find. While we are doing this, we do not think about the more obvious + conspiracy of keeping us in boring, low-paid, cubicle jobs. This pleases + everyone involved in the Game conspiracy as well. + + Beer + ==== + + Though beer can also be tied into the advertising group from the + TV conspiracy, it should be treated as an entirely different conspiracy. + Aside from water, what beverage would you say that the average worker + consumes the most? Beer, of course! When we get to stressed out at our + jobs [i.e. the games are not working], we grab a 40 oz, 6 pack, 12pack, + or 30 pack of our choice. Then we drink until we are buzzed enough to + relax from a day with no stimulation of any kind. While we are in this + stupor, we do not think about our situations. As a result, every + conspirator is happy because there is no imminent danger to their power. + In addition, they make a little extra cash on the side. + + -=Sex=- + + You know how there are those people who love to talk about how + obsessed we are with sex in America? Well, they are correct. This is a + result of the Big Ol' Conspiracy. Sex has become almost too important + for some of the common workers. This conspiracy somewhat backfired, + however, because it was so effective that the conspirators themselves + have fallen a victim to it. There are roughly 4 groups involved in this + conspiracy. + + The first group is made up of our lovely prime-time TV networks. + Though nudity is almost never seen, the main actors/actresses are all + physically appealing and throw out many sexual innuendoes. At the same + time, subliminal messages are displayed in the programming to make us + feel that sex is more important. Even pre-adolescents are targeted by + the Big O Conspiracy. Are you aware of the frame in "Who Framed Roger + Rabbit?" where Jessica Rabbit was nude? What impression would this + leave on an innocent child? + + The next group of conspirators is, once again, composed of + advertisers. They push hard to keep sex seem like the best thing in the + world because it is a very useful marketing tool. As a result, they can + sell their products with only the slightest amount of skin showing in a + commercial [i.e. The Swedish Bikini Team, That Black-Box Girl, Kate Moss, + etc.]. We think about buying the product and sex at the same time which, + consequently, prevents us from noticing the conspiracy. + + The third group of conspirators is made up of the condom + manufacturers. These people are ruthless in their quest for power and + money. In fact, they do not even need a TV advertising campaign. Their + advertising campaign came about when they created AIDS. Numerous condom + manufacturers purchased various scientists to create AIDS in order to + make the purchasing of condoms more necessary. They then pushed even + harder to make sex the most important thing to the common man. This is + where TV came in. As a result, in order to have sex without the fear of + dying, one has to buy condoms. Therefore, the condom companies have a + guaranteed income as a result of our overwhelming sexual desires. + + The final group of conspirators is composed of people in the + government. Even though the government pushes to keep us having sex, + they also push us to think it is morally wrong. Since the conspiracy has + affected people in government along with the working slob, sex has become + a useful weapon. Whenever an enemy of the powers that be rises up, it + will be possible to make him look bad by pointing out the sexual behavior + of the individual. If we are lucky, this will not continue much longer + because people do not seem to care as much anymore. But, unfortunately, + it is still a card that the conspirators can use against us. The + government will continue to try and control our thoughts regarding sex + because it keeps us unaware and pays well. + + Family Values + ============= + + This is another great conspiracy. Of all the people in the world + who should be talking about morals, it is hard to believe that someone + running for President is qualified. Many of us, however, buy into this + family values crap. Unfortunately, when we buy into the moral facade + that the government tells us to follow, it becomes impossible for us to + better our situation. Both the people in the government and the white + collar corporate world have screwed or ass-kissed their way into their + positions. When we are led to think it is wrong to do the same things + they did, they do not have to worry about losing their positions to us. + + And Much, Much, Much More + ========================= + + The conspiracy goes on and on. I have only put a dent into some + of them. Yet, fighting conspiracies this large is never easy. I + already know what I am doing to fight these blood-suckers and hopefully + you will have learned a little from this to do the same. Take a + breather every once in a while and examine yourself. Know when you are + being screwed! Is it not clear to you that the conspirators are + everywhere? Learn, rise up, fight, and beat them down! We can not + allow this to continue any longer. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #352, WRITTEN BY: MR. SANDMAN - 12/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0353.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0353.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..117e68d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0353.txt @@ -0,0 +1,48 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #353 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Leave Me Empty" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Tasha !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Pink Post-it reminder on desk. Reminder of what I forgot anyway, + because I can only remember on e thing today. I can only remember you + today, and you never showed up today. + + I can't see anything from my backseat with the child-proof + lock, and headlights blaring. A world of black and white. Black and + white... lights...flashing. Hurt me. Cut me. Bleed me. For + everything I see comes in black and white, but blood is gray. I long + for gray on this endless highway. + + Yellow paint...cement...black..white... + + Nothing's much more than a simple shade and vague shape through + my eyes. Green. I don't have perfect vision. + + I don't have perfect anything, but a dream. A dream which + was nothing more than me smiling. I don't know where it came from, + since I don't know what it's like to really smile. Smile with a cause. + Smile for more reason than to keep people from asking you what's wrong. + + Car phone ringing. Fuel door jammed, and I wasn't able to stop + the gas perfectly on $5.00. I owe Mobil two cents, and I bet they'll + hold it against me forever. + + Rain drops hitting winshield. Jack Frost can't make snow yet. + I wonder if he feels inadequate, too. Trying to make shapes out of + drops of water isn't working well, and the horrible attempts are + getting swept away in the blades of the windshield wipers. + + My writing's neatly scribbled in this black and white darkness. + Filling me and you, and everything that has some kind of void. Like the + friend who constantly gives unwanted advice. + + Leave me empty. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #353 - WRITTEN BY: TASHA - 12/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0354.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0354.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..dfcb0b6e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0354.txt @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #354 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Chair" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Deadpan !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I used to have a really horrible chair where I work. When I + first started working here, I was told that it was a status thing, and + that as soon as I had been here a while I could get a better one. This + is obviously a plot by the Man (notice, not The Man, which is me, but + the Man, which is just one aspect of the Illuminati, agents of order + and oppression. I mean, it would be pretty silly for me to oppress + myself.. infact, when I do things of that type, I don't 'oppress' I + dominate. I dominate for Grene. I also digress.) to oppress me, keep + me down. Keep me uncomfortable. And Short. It's wrong. I knew that I + would be working for the Man when I started here, but I did not realize + how soon I would be forced into discomfort, nor for how long. + + The chair was horrible. It had a metal frame with orange + padding glued/nailed on to it in places that I know were specifically + devised by Redd to confuse the sitter. You never knew where you were + supposed to be. The padding was this stiff vinyl stuff that made sure + that you could not stay in any given spot, just slide around alot, + gouging your ass on the rips in the cushions. The rips in the cushions. + Oh Goddess. The Rips. Horrible gashes in the vinyl like covering, that + can tear through denim like it's warm butter. With a strange mesh of + cotton glued to the inside of the vinyl, to drag across your wounds, + doubtlessly infecting them with all sorts of hell-chair afflictions. I + have nightmares about those gashes to this day. And despite the fact + that the hell cushions were glued AND nailed on the chair, it still + managed to slide around, it almost seemed like it tried to avoid the + boniest parts of my posterior, pushing them onto the ever comfortable + metal frame... grr. I hated that chair. grr. I'm too overcome with the + pain of this memory. + + At any rate, I endured. Getting paid silly amounts of money will + encourage behavior like that. I now have a nice, comfy chair that has + rollers and leans back, and even has a comfy tweed like seat cushion. + Life in the seat is good. + + My initials spell SAT. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #354 - WRITTEN BY: DEADPAN - 12/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0355.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0355.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..036b6a38 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0355.txt @@ -0,0 +1,133 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #355 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Square Dancing With The Fucking Fatsos" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Ewheat !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/16/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + She puffed her cigarette smoke in my face. The fucking smoke + burnt my god damned eyes. As soon as I was finished rubbing my eyes, I + saw the fat whore grinning at me. Then she HAD the nerve to ask to see + my manager. All I did was tell her we were out of Zima, what the hell + is she doing drinking Zima anyway, and she fucking blew smoke in my + fucking face. I make 5.50 dollars an hour plus tip (from fat people + like her) I start dreaming the possibilites of brutally beating the fat + ho' dressed up in spandex and silk. + + "I'd like a Zima, please." + + "We're out of Zima, sorry, can I get you anything else?" + + *inhale* *looking at me* *puff* *looking at me* + + "Why you, you fucking bloated cow, I'm going to rip your fucking + fake reading glasses off your fucking neck and shove them up your fucking + hemmorid-ridden anus. Fuck you." *punching* (insert happy scenes from + Adam West's Batman) *pOW* *zOINK* + + "No NO!@ STOP THAT YOU BEAST!@#" + + Yeah, that wouldn't be good. That'd give my fucking manager + another reason to fire me. He didn't fire me when I "accidentally" + spilled a pitcher of Sprite on a buncha fucking screaming kids at a god + damned birthday party. This isn't no fucking Chuck E. Cheese, it's a + fucking Italian restaurant, go find somewhere else to party you stupid + little shits. He didn't fire me for taking excessive smoke breaks. + Fuck, if he had to deal with these sonovabitches in this fucking place, + he'd be the next Marlboro Man. Beating her will seriously get me fired. + Fuck me. I'd quit, only my Honda doesn't pay for itself, plus + room/board/books at OSU ain't cheap either. I'll be fucked. If it + weren't fo... .. . + + "Hello, excuse me?" + + The fucking fat whore... again. + + "Yes, what do you want?" + + "Stop staring at me, I'd like to see the manager." + + At least it's an excuse to get rid of her. It's usual routine + for us to turn our heads around and pretend that we're looking for the + manager, while he's really sitting in his fucking office... probably + beating off to the videos he tapes from the camcorders in the restrooms + established solely for the reason of "to prevent anyone from stealing + from this franchise." This is a fucking restaurant, not a fucking + jewelry store. Christ. "Sorry ma'am he's not around, lemme check his + office." Pshaw. I march into the kitchen. Take a right, aw fuck the + directions. Oh, of course, his door is locked. He's beating off. Yep + he is. *knock knock* + + "Who's there?" + + "Who do you think?" + + "You again?" + + He kicks the door open, almost hitting me. Just look at him for + Christ's sake. He looks like a fucking detective in those polyester + pants, that cheap tie, and the sweat-soaked Falls Creek button-up + shirt... what a nerd. + + "Who's pissed off this time?" + + "Some fat lady, ain't my fault this time" + + "Wasn't your fault, huh? We'll see." + + The fat elephant was more than happy to see someone in charge. I + think she wanted to fuck him. All of a sudden she had an attitude + change, she went from Cruella De Vil to the fucking Fairy Godmother. + + "Hello ma'am, what seems to be the problem?" + + "Teehee, nothing really, this stubborn boy refused to let me + purchase Zima." + + Fucking stubborn? We dont have any fucking Zima. I thought to + myself. Then my fat rhino-of-a-man manager commanded me to get Zima. + + "We dont have any Zima left, sir." + + "Go check, anyway." + + We fucking dont have any fucking Zima. The bartender told me + THRICE already, we dont have any fucking Zima. I'm not gonna embarrass + myself for the fourth time with the hot bartender chick. The bar doesn't + have it. Go figure. The coolers dont have it. Go fucking figure. I + can see my stupid fucking manager mingling with that baboon. They're + laughing. Ha ha ha, what's so funny? Your weight? Shut up fat dorks. + I am more than happy to interupt their conversation. + + "hahaha, that was a good one Elmra... it reminds me of when I was + a yo..." + + "Sorry, I checked all the coolers and the bar, no Zima." + + "Oh, that's allright, get this nice lady a shot of vodka." + + "On the rocks?" + + We both look at her. She takes a fucking long time to think. + It's just ice, goddammit. Ice, just ice, you stupid fucking baboon. + + "Nah." + + That fucking whore looks at me, with this "haha, you little + minimum wage earning peon" look. I smile back with a "hahaha, I pissed + in your Jenny Craig nutrition drink" smile. I bring back a shot of + vodka... with a fucking olive in it... I bet she's gonna suck the red + shit out of the god damned olive first. I smile at her again. That's + right, service with a fucking smile. + + God, I just fucking love minimum wage jobs. + + + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #355 - WRITTEN BY: EWHEAT - 12/16/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0356.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0356.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..97cad415 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0356.txt @@ -0,0 +1,59 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #356 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Bitchin' Text File" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Ramsey String !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + My enemies had better take heed. This is going to be one + bitching text file. I have been simmering with rage all day, almost + quivering in anticipation of when I could sit down and let my + bitterness burst like a hard orgasm onto the page. Or, into a text + file which isn't really on a page per se, at least not one in real + life, but I will fix all my metaphors later because right now I have + the white hot fire of anger fueling my every action. + + All I have to do first is decide which hated person or group + will full the terrible wrath of my wit and eloquence, will be forced to + swallow my poisoned words. Will it be that guy who cut me off in line + today? Or that bitch at Wendy's who looked at me like I had dropped ten + pounds of shit on her and told her to laugh when I simply asked if I + could have a straw. Ahh, no, one person alone cannot bear the terrible + impact of what I am going to say. It must be a whole group--the Stupid. + Aye, the stupid shall suffer the humiliation of my song. + + But first, I must pee. Off to the bathroom. + + That felt good, holding my warm, pulsing cock in my hand as I + took a piss. It isn't as big as some guys cocks are that I have seen + in movies, but it is big enough. My girlfriend says so. Said so. We + don't talk much anymore. My piss was hot and acidic as it burned into + the porcelain of the toilet and now, emptied and cleansed, I sit down + to write. + + Wit is my weapon, let fools tremble at my song. + + But where to begin? I had so much to say earlier, really biting + things, the sorts of things that spark revolutions. I had in my bowels + the words that could change the century at this pivotal time. Perhaps I + shat them out while taking a post-lunch dump. + + I swear to you I had something to say. And you would have + laughed, chortled, BURST FORTH IN HILARIOUS SPASMS had you heard it. + And men would have feared me and women loved me. + + This was going to be a really bitching text file about something + I really hate. But when I hate so much and don't like anything at all, + where do I start? I guess I should make some injokes now, to sort of + fill up space. I heard on #ezines the other day that somebody has a + really big cock. I forget who, though. And, ummm, girls sure do suck. + Yes they do. Heh. Whole files in that alone. + + This file was going to be so bitching. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #356, WRITTEN BY RAMSEY STRING, 12/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0357.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0357.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..74aeecad --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0357.txt @@ -0,0 +1,74 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #357 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Sad Days" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Aster !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + one day the little lamb said to the pig: + + "we should run away!" + + so the pig packed his bags so he could run away. + + then he found out his good friend the little lamb had been sold. + he was crushed. all he knew to exist was gone and broken and destroyed + so he walked to the very end of the field and climbed over the tall + fence that was supposed to keep him in then he kept walking and passed + over a bridge and through a valley. he stayed on the side of the road + every night. one day, as he was crossing a large road, a drunk man in + a jeep ran him over. the drunk man was hungry -- so was his pet wolf, + so he took the pig home and made dinner. + + two days later he went to the doctor and found out he had some + mysterious virus... then he died. he did not have very many friends + and only his faithful wolf, kldsajfls, came when the poor wolf saw his + dead owner in the casket. he broke the plastic cover and tore off his + dead owner's head. with no place to live he wadered the streets eating + lost wallets and eyeglasses. + + one day he wondered into a strange room with flashing lights and + lots of people. it was hot and there was loud loud noise in the + background. he was very sacred so he ran out side and jumped into a + river. then he drowned, almost. a nice old lady in a wheel chair that + had been parelized from the neck jumped in to try and save him. when + she did this, she realized that she really was not frozen and that for + many years doctors had been lieing to her. she now found most of the + world to be very evil, so she stabbed her thigh with the fork she had + been eating mashed potatoes with. when the ambliance came, her cat + clawed their eyes out and ate them because the little old lady didn't + know how to feed her cat. + + another ambliancce came soon. but it found a very unhappy thing. + a dead old lady with mashed potatoes on her legs and a poisened cat and + two amblience poeple with no eyes, just bloody stuff where they should + have been. one of the ambliance peopel was a young man named Hendrik. + he was already very depressed because of breaking up with his + girlfriend who he loved very much. he tried to poke his own eyes out + with the dead cats paws but his partner caught him and took him to a + nice place with nice white rooms. + + and nice white beds. + + and nice white clothes. + + and nice white people. + + and nice white food. + + and a nice white life he lead. + + until he died. + + they barried him under a white tomb stone. + + in a white casket. + + wearing a white suit. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #357 - WRITTEN BY: ASTER - 12/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0358.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0358.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8d00849c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0358.txt @@ -0,0 +1,122 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #358 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Reforming Your Tenets" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> The Jester !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + i just don't care anymore. i really don't. + + is the government hiding massive amounts of information from us? + possibly. + + was john kennedy shot for some strange odd government cover up? + possibly. + + are there aliens amongst us? + possibly. + + i just don't care anymore. do you? are you really that angry + at our government for being so goddamn evil? i used to be. it doesn't + matter in the end though, we will all eventually die government or not. + + i used to swear i hated the government. i used to be worried if + people were truly free. + + "yeah man, i can really relate to rage against the machine man. + i hate the government so much for oppressing us all." (average angst + boy.) + + using the government to express some of your anger, is ok. its + alright to take a topic and say: ok, i am mad that the government is + doing this to and i think i will tell people about + it. example: "i don't like how they are making unemployment on the + poor people." + + thats fine. i'm with ya! + + however, standing up for all issues that you don't even really + care about, just to have something to bitch about is becoming redundant. + + are you "that guy?" are you? it's ok to be that guy. we all + will understand where you are coming from. hell, we were all probably + that guy at one point or another. i was that guy but a year ago. + "yeah! socialism, communism, marxism, anarchy!@!@@ grrR!@#" + + believe me, its not good for your psychological state. + + in fact, let me take this chance to bring up another topic: + + god. + + uh oh. + + not that subject. + + no jesse!@ stop! repent! before you go to hell!@ + + well folks, too late. lets talk about god. + + do any of you out there believe in god? + "mumblemumbleyeahmumblemumble." + + any atheists in the party tonight? + "blargleyeahblarglemumble." + + ok. so we are all represented. now, i am sure i am speaking + to a wide spectrum of people who believe in god. we got the + christians, jews, buddhists, hindu, muslims. we got the native + americans, tribal africans, really, everyone. + + let me tell you all one thing. you are all the same religion. + + believers. + + then there are the disbelievers. + + who is right? + + "we are man, look at all the proof god exists. i mean, + how could we be wrong?" + + "prove to me god exists. is he composed of atoms? + does he live next door to you?" + + this fight could go on forever and no one would ever notice + neither of you are right and both of you are right. + + "what?" - everyone. + + god is in your head. if you believe, great. that's good for + you, if you feel the need to believe to make good decisions. great! + if good gives you a warm feeling in your tummy, great! + + if you don't need any god to tell you, don't murder, lie, cheat + steal, etc, great! if science is all you need, fine! + + i feel great for the both of you!@!# i really do. but, if you + are simply such-and-such religion simply because your parents and + grandparents were, re-think your priorities. think about god. go + agnostic until you can figure out what the universe is. i did. i + finally decided to go with buddhism. my decision, and i understand + where other people are coming from when they say "i don't know." just + don't let your parents pressure you into a religion you don't feel + comfortable with. + + sigh. + + ok. so i am a little redundant. i expressed my anger to god in + HOE #323, but i was just a little stressed at the time. sorry. + + i was trying in vain to be witty god, i am sorry, i swear!@ + + ow!@ lightning!@ + + ack!@ + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #358 - WRITTEN BY: THE JESTER - 12/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0359.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0359.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e3ea43df --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0359.txt @@ -0,0 +1,185 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #359 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Jerry Springer Show" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Neko !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Crowd: WOOOOOOOO + Jerry: Hello, thank you all for joining us today! + Crowd: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! + Jerry: Thank you! And thank you for going to see my movie, Ringmaster! + Crowd: WOOOOO! + Jerry: Thank you, thank you! Let's meet our first guest, Tim. + Hello, Tim! + Tim: Hello, Jerry. It's a dubious honor to be on your show. + Jerry: Heh, well, Tim, let's get to know you a little bit. You've been + going out with Julia? for ... ... 6 months now? + Tim: Six of the happiest months of my life. + Jerry: How did the two of you meet? + Tim: I always hung out at this posh Internet cafe called Octane. Julia + frequented it as well. We hit things off marvelously and things + have gone uphill from there. + Jerry: Do you love her? + Tim: I love her with my entire soul, Jerry! I'd jump in front of a + bullet for her. In fact , I have something for + her. + Jerry: Well, it sounds like the two of you are serious. You know you're + here today to hear something from Julia, so let's bring her out. + + + + Jerry: Hello Julia. + Julia: Hi Jerry! It's a pleasure to be here. Did I mention I am a + misunderstood artist? + Jerry: That's great, Julia... Tim know you brought him on the show to + tell him something, so I'll leave the two of you alone. + + + Julia: Tim, we've been going out for awhile now... + Tim: You're right -- Julia, will you + marry me? + Julia: Umm, actually, ummm, ummm... + Tim: What? Is something wrong, hon? + Julia: You see... you remember when I told you about my old boyfriend, + Jason? + Tim: Yeah, sure, he seemed like a pretty cool guy. + Julia: Well, I started seeing him again. + + + + Tim: You...you...what!?@ + Julia: We've been seeing each other the past 2 months. We've been + sleeping together, too. + Tim: Fuck you, bitch. + + + + Jerry: Well, Julia. I guess he didn't take that very well. + + + + Julia: I don't know what the problem is Jerry. Jason is a nice guy, I + think he and Tim will get along well. Let's bring out Jason! + + + + + Jason: Fuck you all, you don't know me! You don't know what it's like! + I'm a film maker! I'm misunderstood! My life is hard! + + + + + Tim: You're such a stupid bitch. I can't believe I didn't see it + sooner. + Julia: Tiiiiim! Don't say that! I love you! + Tim: But you're fucking this asshole? + + + + Jerry: Jason, calm down and behave yourself. Tim, how do you feel + about this? + Tim: Well, Jerry, I'm pretty damned surprised. We've been going out + for awhile, and, well, she's been getting kind of distant and + weird lately, but I didn't see this coming. How could you? + Julia: I....I...I'm so misunderstood. God, how can you not understand + Tim? My college art teacher hated my work! I had to drop out! + How can you be so insensitive to my needs?? + Tim: Are you fucking STUPID? You were dating ME and you started + FUCKING some other guy! YOU DUMB BITCH! How could I have been + so stupid? + + + + Jerry: Jason, how do you feel about taking Julia away from Tim? + Jason: Jerry, you've got to understand -- Julia and I are both + misunderstood artists. Don't you see the beret I am wearing? + You can't possibly understand what's going on in my head. I + mean, last night I was sucking some guy's dick for 20 bucks! + How low can one sink to be an artist? + Julia: You, you what? + + + + Jason: I sucked cock to get money to take you out for breakfast. + Jerry, do you know how hard it is to find a vegetarian + restaurant in Chicago? + Tim: Haha, we always had that trouble. She's a fucking picky eater + bitch. + Julia: Tiiiim! Why are you being so mean to me? + Tim: YOU TORE MY HEART OUT ON TELEVISION WITH A FUCKING SPOON YOU + GODDAMNED STUPID BITCH! WHAT PART DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? + + + + Tim: So, Jason, have you gotten to the sex part yet? + Jason: Yeah, it's OK. + Tim: For the first couple weeks, but then she starts losing interest. + The only thing that kept me interested were her enormous breasts. + Jason: Yeah, you're right. They are enormous. Other than that I don't + think she has many redeeming qualities. Physically. Obviously + we have an artistic connection you could never understand. + Tim: I thought we had that, too, but in the last fifteen minutes I + realized what a dumb bitch she is. + Julia: How can you say this? I hate both of you! + Jerry: Let's take some questions from the audience... + + Large-breasted-tight-shirt girl-#1: If you're into breasts, check + these out! + + + + + Large black woman #1: Y'all need ta stop what y'all be doin, cuz it + don't lead to nowhere but trouble! + + + + Dorky looking artfag #1: This is a question for Julia -- so I guess + you're done with both Tim and Jason after the show? + Julia: Yes + DLA1: Well, I'm free, see my beret? I think we'd get along fine! + Idiot: Julia, show us your tits! + + + + A Cool dude: Julia, I think you're a fucking bitch! It's obvious Tim + gave his all to you and you just trashed him on TV! Fuck + you, stupid hooker! + + + + Tim: Hey Jason, fuck this bitch. + Jason: I did. + Tim: Heh, so did I. Forget about that, let's get the hell out of + here. + + + + Tim: Fuck you. + + + + Jason: Fuck you. + + + + Julia: + Jerry: And now for my final thought -- When you're dating someone, make + sure they're not a stupid bitch or you might end up on my show! + HAHA! Join us tomorrow for "The Bizarre Fetishes of Ezine + Writers!" + + + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #359 - WRITTEN BY: NEKO - 12/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0360.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0360.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1500b419 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0360.txt @@ -0,0 +1,94 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #360 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Lifestyles" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Ashtray Heart !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Welcome, gentle reader! As your columnist, it will be my + pleasure to guide your erudite and cultured mind through the + scintillating and altogether arousing world of LIFESTYLES! Those of you + familiar with this word only through the backs of condom boxes and those + of you who have become hermits to escape the ravages of modern culture + may ask, "What, exactly, is a lifestyle?" A bit of history, then, is in + order. In the beginning, back when men still smoked cigars without + worrying about the phallic implications of such an act and women wore + corsets in order that they might better approximate the figure of the + Barbie doll, people lived lives, wherein the men went to work and feared + communists, the women lived a variant of "Kinder, Kuche, Kirche" that + involved buying fashionable kitchen appliances, and they all lived the + post-war dream together. Wealthy industralists and their families, who + had the money to hire people to do their jobs for them, could devote + their time to a wide array of enriching activities such as golf, riding + horses, and consuming expensive alcoholic beverages, given journalistic + immortality in a newspaper's "Society Pages". + + However, with the advent of greasy long-haired pelvis-gyrators + like the Dave Clark Five and the infiltration of rogue weirdo + intellectuals like Adlai Stevenson all that changed. The youth of + America (and probably other countries too, but as an American, I am + required by the cultural ethos of this great nation to systematically + ignore historical occurances in foreign lands) started running amuck in + motorcycle gangs, growing their hair to egregious lengths, spending + their money on birth control pills instead of washing machines, and + generally engaging in activities they characterized as "changing the + world". Under the mesmerizing spell of cunning linguists like Noam + Chomsky (well, maybe not him, but he's the only linguist I've ever + heard of), they came to the conclusion that the terminology of their + parents was entirely inadequate for the purposes of bringing about a + new beautiful planet, plus they could really confuse their parents with + all these new words, and so it was they replaced the word "life", which + they perceived to be staid, dull, and altogether too monosyllabic, with + "lifestyle", which they believed was vibrant, energetic, and full of + zest. + + In the end, however, these brave young prophets of a new age + realized they smelled sort of bad and really ought to have washing + machines after all, stopped smoking pot, and became respectable decent + citizens. By the time this had happened, however, the media, which if + you recall your cultural studies courses from college, is run by the + ponies, had decided the young idealists were really on to something with + that language, and by using it could remind them forever of the fun + times of their youth. As market studies showed that people were more + likely to buy stuff when they were in good moods, this worked out + extremely well. So it was that every newspaper gained a column labelled + "Lifestyles", usually right before the sports section, where they would + print the slowly shrinking comic strips and tell you what you could + watch on TV. The "Lifestyles" section has also slowly absorbed the + function of the Society Pages in the local newspapers, with the + privileged classes turning to other methods of circulation to advertise + their business gatherings and cocaine parties. + + This leaves us in the new and entirely modern (or perhaps + supra-post-modern; the eternal philosophical question "What time is it?" + has taken on deepened significance in this clime of approximated + schizophrenia) era of the '90s with a vexing question: What exactly + *is* lifestyle? Is it a successor to the societal functions of the + 1950s? Is it what TV shows we watch, what church we attend, what we + eat, who we fuck? Well, for the purposes of this column and for the + benefit of befuddled journalists everywhere, "Lifestyle" shall be + defined as "The study of the development and practice of trends." + Trends, as defined by the definitive lexicon of 20th century cultural + hagiography, "The Adventures of Greggery Peccary" by Frank Zappa, are + exemplified by "the Twist.. or Flower Power"; in other words, a + prepacked culturally approved way of spending time not occupied by one's + job, "rejuvenating the national economy and providing for bored, + miserable people everywhere some great new THING to identify with." + ("Greggery Peccary" again). + + The "Lifestyle" moniker, of course, comes with the associated + buzzword (buzzword is, of course, itself a buzzword, an oddity I would + dwell on further were I William Safire) "alternate lifestyle" or + "alternative lifestyle". There is again some dispute over what + qualifies as "alternative", especially considering the fact that some + things still considered "alternative" are in fact favored by a huge + segment of the general populace. For the purposes of this column, we + can generalize that an "alternative lifestyle" consists of anything + Jesse Helms would not do in his spare time. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #360, WRITTEN BY ASHTRAY HEART, 12/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0361.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0361.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6a01324e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0361.txt @@ -0,0 +1,74 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #361 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "From Ape to Man, to Ape Again: !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: Darwin's Dilemma" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Anjee 12/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + The theory of evolution was first introduced to the world in + around 1920. Since then, loads of research has been done and other + theories were pulled from that speculation. However, after many years + of locking myself in my room with the goal to prevent any trendy + mentality to corrupt my poor easily influenced brain -- I have come up + with a theory of my own: the method of defying evolution in a way + that only the typical everyday jerk can understand. When I say this, + I do not mean devolution in the physical form -- I am referring to, + and only referring to mental deconstruction. + + I do not wish to sound like the typical angsty kind of teen + that thinks that everyone is stupid for no reason besides "No one + loves me!" or "I can't get that new CD I want badly, SO ALL YOU + MOTHERFUCKERS MUST PAY FOR MY PAIN!@". I am simply introducing the + idea that evolution may in fact be reversing. Most of you who have + the slightest sign of intelligence have witnessed this many, many + times. Face it, times have changed, technology is getting better by + the day, and what was considered to be "important" (also referred to + as "values") is slowly but surely disappearing from the face of this + planet. + + I am not saying that everyone is stupid, for I have met a few + people who are bright, but unfortunately, I have met a large number + of beings who are not exactly what I would call "the sharpest knife + in the drawer". So, if many who are deemed intelligent, mature people + can agree with me, then I can easily say that it isn't necessarily + teenage angst that is pouring out of this t-file. Saying that good + mentalities are decaying and soon to be found in the nearest gutter + is also a generalization. I admit that not everything is taking a + turn for the worst, such as sexism, racism and other things of the + sort have very much improved. + + It's surely the increasing number of materialistic snobby + bitches and bastards that have led me to the conclusion that this + world will soon come to an end, and I believe that they should + be killed as soon as possible. Speaking of which... who the fuck + thought of seeking cures for every goddamn disease that exists? + I mean, put us on this earth to live, learn and + die. Now, if there was a cure for everything, every single jerk and + dork will live for a very long period of time, giving them the chance + to annoy the living fuck out of each and every person alive. Some + people just _deserve_ to die. + + Or what about those shitheads who are constantly depressed + for stupid reasons like "My dog died, I have no more friends! I DO + NOT HAVE THE WILL TO LIVE ANYMORE!" or "My favorite color is black, + therefore I hate the world and I must kill myself," or how about + those little 12 year old girls who run around crying because their + 13 year old boyfriend dumped them and they feel that they just can't + continue living without that person's "love". Well, they should just + fucking shut up and kill themselves already and spare us the agony + of having to listen to them. + + Naming off several types of assholes wasn't the point of + this article. The point is that Darwin is probably spinning like + mad in his grave, and would be utterly fucking confused if he were + still alive today. And since I seem to lack the talent of being + able to end a text properly, I will conclude this pitiful article + with this: I hope that all of you people will aid me in my quest for + a "good world" and uh, yeah. KILL THE MORONS, WHEEEE!@# *siGH* + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #361 - WRITTEN BY: ANJEE - 12/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0362.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0362.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e7f0d9e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0362.txt @@ -0,0 +1,57 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #362 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Manic Depression" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + you know-- you've known for a long time-- that you have a clear + perception of reality. nothing matters in this world. you realized + long ago that there's no explanation that could ever convince you that + there is a god... that there is any kind of higher being. you've seen + life. and you know that you control your own destiny. + + so this is why you hate yourself. + + nothing changes. the world is still full of the same shit that + has always existed. people don't change. you run into the same + assholes everywhere you go. you don't change. you're still the same + worthless nothing floating in a world of worthless everything, and it + all matters, maybe too much. + + and the next day, suddenly everything is too slow. you can't + move fast enough. everything is funny. everything YOU DO is funny. + you're unstoppable. you're CONVINCED that the gorgeous long-haired guy + online wants you just as much as you want him. you make a complete ass + out of yourself, but it's a wonderful thing. you are a MINOR GOD! + then you hear him talking to a different girl and not replying as + quickly to your messages. no longer are you perfect; suddenly, all you + do is wrong. you find yourself right back where you began. + + you cry over meaningless messages sent by friends in jest. you + agonize over the easiest tasks and torture yourself over your stupidity. + and when the day ends, and you try to create dreams for yourself as you + fall asleep, suddenly the world is a little brighter. + + you know what's wrong with you. you know there's medication out + there for people like you, people who can't handle daily life for no + reason at all. but your fucking lame-ass job doesn't have benefits, + and you can't get benefits until you're promoted. but you can't get + promoted if you keep acting this way. + + day number three begins, and once again, you can't seem to stop + yourself. you're hot shit, baby. everything you do is cool. + everything you say is cool. everyone else is a wasted, watered-down + pile of nothing. you shout insults at innocent passers-by because they + pissed you off for looking at you cockeyed. they throw their pepsi at + you, and you're back to self-loathing and the neverending feeling of + wanting to die. + + welcome to my world. how sexy am i now, fucker? + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #362, WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 12/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0363.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0363.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8a71763e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0363.txt @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #363 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Wild Man Goes Hunting" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Apollo !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + an elderly man was walking on a brick road, his forehead + riddled with wrinkles, his blue eyes looking sad. he watched up to the + sky where the slightly reddish clouds were passing above, grunted, and + went on. all he could see was the road, and all he could think of was + the destination. then, suddenly, he decided to observe the surroundings. + + he looked left, and saw a forest. the leaves in the elms were + getting brown, the winter was definitely coming. the wind rustled the + leaves and he watched a leaf fall slowly towards the ground, when the + wind blew it up again. he looked right, and saw a pond. everything + looked very serene to him. he walked closer to the pond and looked + around. the night was falling, and all he could hear was the last + crickets of the fall, and the kids across the pond having some kind of + a party. he despised the kids. they didnt know how to have real fun, + and they couldnt take responsibility for themselves. they're probably + just gonna end up driving around drunk, hitting some poor little woman + who is on her way to home from work, feeling tired, wanting to see her + kids, not expecting anything out-of-the-ordinary, and suddenly, seeing + the headlights of a ford f10 shining from the night, coming straight at + her, her life ending abruptly, and the kids would probably just walk out + of the car, without a scratch, and say 'well, wont you look at that' to + each other. + + the water of the pond was dark and quite still, but he could + see a goose sitting near the reeds that were losing their green color, + and getting ready for the winter. the goose was cleaning itself up, + left wing raised and the head moving quickly in the feathers. + + and then the wild goose got up on the air, spread his wings like + an eagle and flew away. end of story. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #363 - WRITTEN BY: APOLLO - 12/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0364.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0364.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..05cf4bd4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0364.txt @@ -0,0 +1,211 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #364 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Harp or Motion?" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Trilobyte !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + this is for you, and you alone. i have to ask you a few things. + + here it begins. + + that; it needs no disguise. it's the reddish shade that we can + smell and taste and see. hands hold it, it drips through the fingers + and someday something will lick it up. + + it's my panties! + + you gave it to me as a gift for my favorite day. i could not + have asked for a better, more happy gift. thank you! + + now that i harbor much hatred for you, i will burn it! the + ashes will sit in a baggie. they will be symbolistic of the hatred i + have for you! + + i climbed the walls of a building downtown last night. i got up + to about the 3rd floor and sat down on a windowsill. people drove by + and couldn't see me. i saw you drive by. then you pulled into a nearby + parking lot and i watched you walk into a building. + + that building was a facade! + + it doesn't exist, it's bull! you spent a lot of time there. you + must have been doing nothing in that building full of bull. terrible + things happen to those who do bull. + + i jumped down from my perch and broke my ankles. i crawled on + the ground in pain. i couldn't walk. a big fat kid was walking by and + looked at me. + + "kiss me, you fool," i told him. i knew the kid. + + he walked over, stepped on my hand, and then leaned down and + chewed on my cheek. + + i stared at him. he stared at me. i looked at the sky. he + looked around. + + "i don't like music that is too sex-oriented," he said to no one + in particular, unless it was to me. + + "no, it can be awfully silly and pretentious," i replied. + + my hand hurt and my ankles hurt. my cheek hurt, too. + + his shoes were falling apart. i got the impression that they + were very old. + + then _you_ came out of the bull store. the fat kid stumbled over + to you and talked to you about something. i wasn't sure what. what was + it he talked to you about? you have to tell me. you are useless if you + don't tell me what you talked about. talk to me. talk to me, please! + you haven't talked to me in years! where have you been? why did i just + happen to see you this one night? it isn't fair! i should see you + more! i should see you all the time! why does fat kid get to see you? + who is fat kid? that's what he says, but then my ankles healed. i + stood up and walked over to the two of you. you saw me and looked away. + fat kid looked at me in awe. i don't know why. + + "i didn't know you were here," you said to me. + + "i didn't expect to see you either. i was just perched on that + windowsill and saw you walk up," i replied. + + "you shouldn't have been on the windowsill," you told me. + + "well, bull. i can do whatever i want. if you can go into the + bull building i can be on the blasted windowsill. ok." + + i began to spin in circles. remember when i used to spin in + circles? i would be happy, you would look at me and when i would stop + spinning and i would barf on you, you would be very interested and wave + your arms wildly and spin too and get barf everywhere and we would + embrace and spread and squish vomit all over each others bodies. we had + bodies. remember? remember when we had bodies? + + i saw your body last night. you were walking into the bull + storefront. + + "i wish i had your body," that's what the fat kid told you. "i + really do. i'm trapped." + + all of a sudden the fat kid slapped me. + + he looked me directly in the eye and told me i shouldn't be + listening to what he's saying. it's private business. it's something + between him and you. i don't care, i know everything anyway. i might + as well find it out now. someday i'll be dead and it won't make any + difference. + + i heard guitar. + + folk-boy was playing guitar on a rock about 200 feet away from + us. remember folk-boy? he was cute! girls like cuteboy folkboy. he + was playing guitar. he was into it too; he was shakin' all around and + movin' them hips and singing along to the tune of the guitar. and then + he slipped off the rock. first his rear gave way and slipped off to the + right, then his feet slid, and he tried to regain his control of the + rock, but he fell off. his guitar got messed up in the whole mangle and + ended up smashed. + + oh well. he sat and cried and stuff but it didn't matter. + + why did fat boy slap me on my cheek? he bit me and then, later + he slapped me. you had no control over it. i had no control over it. + only fatboy could control his actions, and he had a very strange way of + controlling them. + + i slapped fatboy and told him, "if you're going to slap me, i'm + going to slap you. it's as simple as that, fatboy." + + he understood. but he wasn't going to talk to you anymore. i + held out my finger to you and i began to bend it. and curl it. i bent + and curled my finger. it was meant to request you to follow me, but it + just looked silly and i don't think you understood, so i grabbed you by + the shirt and pulled you in the direction i was travelling in. + + we stood in a dark, cold and silent alley. i looked at you and + then carefully surveyed our surroundings as to add an element of + mystery. i began to curl and twitch my finger at you again. + + "see this?" i asked you, in regards to my finger. + + "yeah," you said. + + "where's my air conditioner?" i asked as i raised an eyebrow. + + "i don't have your air conditioner. i think it's at your house." + + "right. it's at my house. you are correct." i nodded my head + a few times. "you are correct. now, tell me, yes, tell me, what is + _not_ at my house, if my air conditioner _is_, in fact, _at_ my house?" + + "i don't know. you're not at your house." + + "no, but i plan on returning," i said. "i am, in a way, at my + house, because i am simply on an excursion. i have plans to return, yep. + but that doesn't matter, that's different, so, i will help you, i will + push you along. tell me, where are you?" + + "i'm here in this alley with you." + + "yes you are. which means you're _not_ at my house." + + "why would i be at your house, though? i'm not supposed to be at + your house, and i haven't been at your house in years." + + "yes. that's my point," i said. i smiled. i looked at the + walls of the buildings nearby. "none of these are my house." + + "no, they're not, man. they're really not your house." + + "nope." + + i walked away. i walked over to my car, parked nearby. i + tripped on a stone and fell on the ground near a dumpster. there was a + lot of dark moist litter. i didn't like the smell of it, or the looks + of it, or really anything about it. it was really pretty gross. + + i think you were still standing there, where i talked to you, + weren't you? i think you still stood there and watched me fall into + the litter. you didn't fall into the litter. i did. so you weren't + smelling the bad things like i was. you walked over to where fatboy + was, next, i think -- i think that's what you did next. and i think i + stood up, but i don't really remember what was happening. i followed + you -- followed you over to fatboy? he was still standing there. my + head hurt. + + "you two left me here. you are always leaving me places. you + just leave me, i don't want to go anywhere. i don't really want to," + he said to us, i think... something like that. + + you wanted to comfort him or something, he had lots of problems. + + but we all do. + + i wanted to tell him that my head hurt and he shouldn't make it + hurt more but then didn't we go out and get something? i remember + wanting to get something and i think we went out and got it... + + but anyway. i burned all the gifts you gave me, i don't remember + why. i really don't remember last night and everything before it. i + remember some things relating to _why_ things happened, but i don't + remember what sort of things actually did happen. maybe if i really + cared i could piece it all together and really truly solve this thing. + or i could move on, instead of worrying about all that. + + like i could go to a thrift store. + + tomorrow i could buy things for myself that other people didn't + really want. that might make me feel better about everything. but + first i'll have to find my way there from wherever i am. and then i'll + walk slowly and not really know what's going on, kinda spacy and airy. + clouds, who knows. sky. sun. it won't be late because they close + early. yep. they sure do, they sure do close early!%#%3%!#!#% HEHE!#% + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #364 - WRITTEN BY: TRILOBYTE - 12/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0365.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0365.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b2d6c7c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0365.txt @@ -0,0 +1,325 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #365 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "I'm Complicated, Part 2" [Re: HOE #180] !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> LilNilHil !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/19/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + One day gregory sat up in his little room and looked at the wall. + He thought about the wall, and the wall's place in the universe. He + thought about himself and where he was, and he thought about life. He + sat there for what must've been days, just examining the wall, and the + walls in his head, And then, it happened. Bang! Like lightning hit + his brain stem and snapped it right in half, gregory discovered... the + big huge secret. + + Oh how wonderful and complete his life would now be. Finally he + would find peace with himself. All the people of the world would + rejoice and praise the god that is gregory. Disease and hunger and pain + would be wiped out from the earth, world peace was imminent! + + Immediately gregory jumped to his feet and started running + around the room, there was no time to waste. Armies had to be + nullified, world leaders had to be notified, gregory had to hurry up + and tell someone the big huge secret while the world still had a + chance. So, thrashing and tearing, gregory's white garments fell to + the floor. Gregory started to panic, what if he didn't tell someone + the big huge secret in time and it was too late. What if gregory + completely lost and forgot the big huge secret, and spent the rest of + his life trying to remember what he realized? An so gregory screamed. + Just once. But he knew it would do. + + Immediatly he heard footsteps, running footsteps. Gregory + couldn't wait to tell the person what he now knew. The footsteps grew + closer, and finally gregory saw the door knob slowly turn. The door + began to open, and the figure stepped in and showed it's face. Gregory + looked at the figure. The figure looked at gregory. Then gregory + composed himself, took a deep breath, and told the person the entire + big huge secret. + + "ut!" proclaimed gregory. + + "..ut?" asked the person. + + "ut." said gregory. + + "oh, ...ut." said the person. + + Then the person gave gregory his dose of thorazine, refastened + gregory's white straight jacket back on, and put gregory back in his + bed. + + Gregory looked over at the wall, a blank stare in his eyes, + mumbled one last "ut" and went to sleep. + + - how can a person simply refuse to understand someone who is + supposed to be their own child? lock me up. who cares if it doesn't + help me. that isn't the point. the point is our insurance will only + cover mental hospital stays for a few more months, and we can't let + 17 years of monthly premiums go to waste now can we dad? hospital + stays. + + i would imagine in a family that it meant breaking your arm + while playing football. + + i would imagine that my mother when faced with her own lunacy + would at least try to see how it got there. + + i would imagine i'm supposed to do more than just sit here and + wait for the next outburst... that i should do more than simply eat my + pills and make GOD-DAMNED FUCKING SURE that i get where i'm supposed to. + they're all coming up the stairs now. + + i would imagine that somebody, somewhere, would seek me out, for + something, anything. + + any little thing would do. + + because i don't know if i can wait any longer. they're knocking + on the door. apparently i've got one hell of an imagination. + + but it's either this. which i now vow to refuse. + + or just throw some money in your pockets danny and leave forever. + search out that somebody. + + just..go. + + maybe that's it. + + - fairwinds + + It's not bad once your settled in there, you hardly notice it + anymore. There's none of that calling your friends and telling them + "You'll never guess where I am." It's just a complete numbness that + overcomes you. You get seriously bored though, just lying in there + with your head, the thing that got you locked up in the first place, + it's all you're left to keep you company. You crack your neck, your + back, your knuckles. You count to a thousand. You inhale through your + mouth, exhale through your nose, inhale through your mouth, exhale + through your mouth, inhale through your nose, exhale through your + mouth, inhale through your nose, exhale through your nose, and on and + on to fucking oblivion. + + You count the seconds between when they open the door to check + if your dead or not. (Somewhere around 900.) You don't think, you + don't change at all, you don't realize anything sleep wouldn't show + you, you don't write, and if you do it's always got this bland tone to + it, like writing a post-card. Your basically forced to live. A nice + place to live mind you, but who would wanna visit? + + There are many aspects to being locked up. Boredom for example, + counting to 1000 simple because you've never done it before. + Discipline, being punished for the first time, or punished without + reason. Imprisoned without reason is the main injustice. Any 'help' + is deemed unessessary and litteraly is. The subject will begin to get + angry with his captors, acting out and not being at all rational about + his trivial consequences. The subject will be labeled and drugged + sedated and bedridden for a period meant to calm him down. However, + This period will pass. The subject again wakes up, views his + surroundings, and then begins to go quite berserk. and then begins to + go quite berserk. And then begins to go quite berserk And then begins + to go quite berserk And then begiins to go quite berserkl;odfiqf + + - Adolescent rehabilitation is a far cry from the adult side. + For one thing there's not a teenaged junkie anywhere that literally + wants to get off his smack. And to make it worse, these same teenaged + junkies are always locked up involuntarily, shown every drug known to + man and the effects it'll have on you, and then released. After which + nobody is clean. + + The staff, the only other humans you encounter during this + process, turn out to be completely winging the whole thing anyway. + Ask to make a phone call and you'll be told "Hell no." But ask the + right person and you'll be on somebody's cellular. And there's always + an undefined, ignored attitude displayed by psychoanalysts. The idea + that they're there to actually help you with your problems quickly + fades away. And you find yourself often arguing your stand-point on + reality with them. No matter, your always wrong, your the loony and + they get paid to be there, so you couldn't possibly be right. And it's + this same general approach to psychoanalysis that i think fucks our + mental health system straight up the eye. Each patient appears to have + some belief... some theory on how the world works, and the first thing + they're told is that they've got it ass-backwards. Thus they're entire + moral system crumbles, and with the help of some fancy chemicals... + plastic surgery for the brain.. they finally arrive at a "theraputic + level." + + But what about that belief? That mindset that didn't come from + John Hopkins but from surviving, from experiance. What does a person do + without it? + + - For Jeremiah. + + they say that they can help, that they can provide coping skills + that will help me throughout my life. i told them no, i didn't need any + help. they disagreed, they locked me up. and i went to work on them, + and they went to work on me (providing coping skills and such) one day + they told me that the color blue did not exist, that it had never + existed, and that every time i saw the color blue i was only kidding + myself. i disagreed. but i wasn't quite sure how to take on this new + blue-nonexistence coping skill. so one day i was let to go outside + because i happened to be such a good coping skill student. i looked up + and in the sky i spotted a patch of what i believed to be blue, i then + told the nearest one of them that this is what blues looks like. but + they still maintained that blue did not exist, so i got a mad and began + to get quite violent. i said yes it does exist dammit, look at this it's + blue! but they disagreed, them, those with the pills, and papers, and + money. they disagreed, they don't believe in blue + and i, + am still, + locked up. + + - I'm only glad i wasn't in for drugs this time... thank christ + i was just "depressed", right? I'd be out in two weeks, right? I + signed in voluntarily so you guys'll just adjust my medication and plop + me back into the world after my very very brief stay, correct? Well + I've been in here for 2 months now, everyone else has come and gone. + Either vaporacted up the street to a more locked-down facility, or + their parents finally decided to take them home. There were 15 of us + when i first got here, now three. Luke, the millionaires son who + devolped a nice little drug habit that began to interfere with his + performance on the foot-ball team. And Jen, coke addict, and probably + the kindest person i've ever met. + + And then there was me. The cynically depressed kid who wanted + to be a writer when he grew up, who was the oldest at seventeen, and + because of this fact had to run every group. Holy christ, i was the + veteran. All i kept wondering was how i got to this point. Why did + everybody think i was going to kill myself if they left me alone for + more than 5 minutes. + + - The gun flashed up a blinking 76 on the read-out. So he put + the car in gear and turned the lights on. + + Pulling over the small four door, he noticed it was inhabited + by four boys, all in thier teens. He walked up to the window of the + car and asked for the drivers' lisence and registration. The kid + obliged. His name was mike. And he had been concentrating on + breathing and keeping his eyes open, not on the sign that said 35mph. + It's a good thing he was driving his car tonight though, a rare event + actually. And only good in that if it was anyone else driving they'd + all be fucked. The four people in the car shot each other quick looks + of "oh shit we're goin' ta jail" while the cop glanced at the lisence. + CJ, riding shotgun, played it cool as humanly possible though. Like a + god-damn presidential candidate. + + The cop; "None of you boys have been doin' any drinking tonight + have you?" + + "No sir." replied Cj and mike simultaneously. + + The cop; "...you sure?" + + The shit-faced tall kid in the back nudges his beer bottle under + the front seat. That was Jay. My best friend. + + "Yes sir." by the same two. + + "k...and this is your car?" + + Mike; "Yeah it's my car." + + CJ; "...He's my room-mate, and we're just taking this guy + home." and he points to the other drunk in the back seat. That was + me. The author. The writer of this drivel. + + The cop opens up his army issue space-aged fucking spotlight + outta hell and flashes it directly at my eyes. + + And, like an idiot, i smile and give 'im the peace symbol. + + The cop to mike; "..alright..so where's the fire?" + + Mike glances at his cigarette and holds it up to the cop. Then + he says with a laugh so tainted with liquor you'd hafta be underwater + not to smell it; "Right here." + + He let us off with a warning. + + - Yes... I'm fine. + + Somebody need a murder victim? I'll fully volunteer right about + now. Got a little orange sheet of paper last period, it told me to go + wait half an hour for Mrs. Novak, outside her door. She's finally + ready, and wants too know why I missed Saturday school, and why I'm + late all the time. So i give her my story, about the circadian rythm + disturbance, the doctors, the pills, The Pills, THE PILLS! She hands + me a piece of paper to sign. I comply. "What's this anyway?" + + "It's a suspension form Danny." + + "Right. Perfect." + + "Do you need a pass back to class?" + + I left. Passed Mr. Wirth in the hallway. He hates me, with + a passion. + + "How's it going?" + + "yes... I'm fine." + + Quickly decide that i need a cigarette right-the-fucking-hell + now, and contemplate ditching the rest of the day so as to retain my + now tattered sanity. In other words, "Where's Dara?" + + Pass Ilene in the hall, Ilene wants to sell me some dots, too + bad I'm broke. + + "How are you doing?" + + "yes... I'm fine." + + Funny, those little times when all hell brakes loose. The fire + alarm screams out, your girlfriend wants to know what you 'think', your + supposed to choose between two people, your supposed to graduate, to get + it together, you should be working, and married, and have kids. WRITE + A BOOK! SUCCEED-PAY TAXES-QUIT SMOKING-DON'T DRINK-GO TO AA-USE A + CONDOM-JOIN THE ARMY-LIVE-VOTE REPUBLICAN-DONATE YOUR ORGANS-BE FOR OR + AGAINST Abortion, Gays, Drugs, The President, God, Yourself. Maybe + I'll steal a gun, load it up with shotgun shells and take out an entire + police squad, maybe I'll drop out of school today, get a job and kill + myself in three years, maybe i'll leave right now... + + right now. right now. + + And get a pack of cigarettes. + + Or maybe I'll sit here. Do what I'm supposed to do. Say what + I'm supposed to say. Hear what I'm supposed to hear. Think what I'm + supposed to think, and when you see me in the hallway you can ask me + "how are you doing?" and I'll say, "yes... I'm fine." + + - There was nothing we could generally say about anything in + here. We had no philosophies. No Beliefs. Just this conglomorative + mind-fuck that we all wanted to escape. They'll tell you over and over + again that it isn't punishment, thet they were there to help you. So + we'd go along with it, we'd hand in our brains in a sad attempt to + gain privilages. We'd watch the movies and participate in the groups. + And for a few, this actually worked. But at night that all changed. + + At night you could hear the heroin addicts screaming through the + sweat of thier beds. It was night time when Mike tried to hang + himself. It was night when the new snap-case decided to get in the + shower and not come out. They pulled him from the bathroom soaking + wet, naked and berserk. The rest of us still with a hope to be free + would have our ways with dealing with the madness. You could ask for a + sleeping pill from the nurse, which was always a placebo. You could + let your doctor know you couldn't sleep at night, and then he'd knock + you out with his new cure. Or you could do what i did, pretend your + some kind of outside force looking in on all of this, be a completely + pretentious fuck, pretend your sane, and write it all down. + + All I need, all that I want out of this whole fucking thing + anymore, is to stay out of everyone's way. I don't want your help, I + don't want you to pin me to the floor and tell me i exist, I don't want + your idea's, your love, your guilt, your life, I just don't want to + affect any of you anymore at all. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #365 - WRITTEN BY: LILNILHIL - 12/19/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0366.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0366.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1d811db9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0366.txt @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #366 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The True Meaning of Christmas" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mutter !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/22/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Santa Claus recently made headlines when he announced his plans + to stop giving toys away to wide-eyed children around the world. + Instead, he decided to sell them for a modest fee. + + "You can think of me as the Santa Claus for the 90s. It happened + one day when I was building a toy train for little Bobby Morgon. I + looked down at the toy I had put all that time and effort into and + thought, 'Hey, what am I getting out of this deal?' Making a little + boy's dream come true? Love and thanks? Get real, I said to myself. + Can you buy a new fur coat with love and dreams? No. It was truly a + moment of insight." + + Instead, Santa Claus has opened a chain of toy stores across the + country which boasts the "lowest prices for the hottest toys." Some + children have complained that the toys are defective or poorly built. + One child even choked to death on a plastic piece which fell off her + dollhouse. "Sure, we had to cut a few corners. The name of the game is + profit." said Claus. + + Still, Santa's critics are accusing the jolly fat man of becoming + just another greedy corporate sell-out that exploits the Christmas + season. "Oh please! Christmas hasn't been about peace on Earth, good + will towards man and all that jazz for quite some time now. Giving? Get + real. It's about getting! Buy, buy, buy! The stores know it. Is it so + horrible that I'm starting to acknowledge it?" + + Continuing his trend of getting 'real', Santa Claus announced + today his suit against several corporations, most notably the Coca-Cola + Corp. "They've been using my name and image to sell their products for + years. You think I've seen dime one of the money they should be paying + in royalties? No! I just want what is rightfully mine." + + Rumors have even started about elves working under sweat shop + conditions and getting paid relatively nothing. Santa declined to + comment on this; but, did offer some final words before getting back to + one of his many busy stores. "I use to be young and naive. I use to + think that happiness was reward enough; but then I grew up. You can't + pay the bills with milk and cookies. You've got to work the system or + else you're nobody. You've got to turn a profit ... make some cash! + It's the American way." + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #366 - WRITTEN BY: MUTTER - 12/22/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0367.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0367.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..48ef3716 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0367.txt @@ -0,0 +1,57 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #367 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Death Notification" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Squinky !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/22/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1998 14:30:46 -0500 + From: Assistant Dean John Johnson + To: jwk208@is8.nyu.edu + Subject: Death Notification + + It is with great sadness that I announce the death of one of + Gallatin's undergraduate students, Alexander Madara, who passed away + on Monday, December 14, 1998. Alex will be remembered as a bright, + diligent and imaginative student who lit up the Gallatin community + with his lively personality. Alex's adviser, Barbara Cooper remembers + Alex as " a real spark ^Å he was a most intelligent student with + tremendous potential". His tragic loss will be most keenly felt by + all who knew him. + + You are invited to join Alex's family and friends from Gallatin + and the NYU community at a memorial service to be held at: + + The Catholic Center + 58 Washington Square South (Corner of Thompson Street) + 3:30 p.m. + Wednesday, December 16, 1998 + + Alexander E. Madara was born on January 18, 1978, in Tulsa, + Oklahoma, to Eugene and Bernadette Madara. He graduated from Hopkins + School in New Haven, Conneticut, in 1996 and entered the Gallatin + School in the fall of that year. + + Alex was a quintessential Gallatin student. His high school + record shows that he excelled in conceptual physics, studio art, + literature and Spanish while maintaining an active extra-curricular + schedule in Taekwon Do and a SKA band. He was also involved with + literary and artistic publications and community activities, as a + tutor. This young man of many interests found a home for his many + talents in Gallatin. + + Here at Gallatin Alex pursued his interest in philosophy and + politics while maintaining his involvement with studio art and music. + He had hopes of going to law school. + + The Gallatin School extends its deepest condolences to Alex's + family and friend in this time of grief. Please join us on Wednesday + to remember Alex and to mourn the untimely passing of one of + Gallatin's bright sparks. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #367 - LOGGED BY: SQUINKY - 12/22/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0368.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0368.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..424aa1fc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0368.txt @@ -0,0 +1,76 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #368 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "A Life More Ordinary" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Girl From Mars !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/22/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + We all lead secret lives. We have things that we do when we are + alone, that nobody else knows about. You may know me as Miriam, or + grlfrmars on IRC. However, in those moments when I am not with a friend + or on IRC, I do indeed have a separate identity. I will now share with + you what I do when the doors are locked and the blinds are shut. This + is not meant for the weak of heart, so for those of you who are easily + frightened, I suggest you stop reading now. OK, here goes. + + When I am alone, I undergo dramatic changes. My alter ego, a + sophomore college girl named Gen emerges. I shed my usual garb, + consisting of baggy, bell-bottom pants and black shirts, and don + tapered-leg jeans and an Abercrombie and Fitch sweater. I take of my + Doc Marten steel toe boots and tie on a pair of Nike trainers. I + alternately put my hair up in a ponytail or stuff it all into a + baseball cap. Suede and Tori come out of my CD player, and Matchbox 20 + and the Dave Matthews Band go in. I put up my Anne Geddes posters, you + know, the ones with babies in various costumes, and I am all set. + + Once my room and appearance are set, I call up my boyfriend Eric + and pick fights with him for spending too much time with his frat + brothers and those WHORES who wear those black pants and hang around the + frats drinking a lot. Doesn't he know that he's supposed to be thinking + about me all the time? Why can't I find a man like Leonardo DiCaprio in + Titanic? If he asked me, I'd sleep with him. Not Eric though. We've + been dating since sophomore year of high school, but I don't trust him + enough yet. And anyway, if a girl sleeps with a boy, she doesn't have + him following her panting for it like Eric does to me. Anyway, I think + he's been sleeping with those HOOCHIES at the frat parties, but I'm not + sure. He swears that he doesn't, but isn't that what boys do? I don't + understand why he spends so much time with his frat brother Tarquin. + What is so great about Tarquin? He doesn't wear his cargo pants loose + enough to have that J-Crew Model look that is just so cute! He actually + doesn't like Dave Matthews, either. Whenever I'm there he's listening + to the soundtrack to Cats or something like that. Whenever I'm there + Tarquin and Eric stare at each other like they have some private joke + and they want me to leave so they can laugh or something. God, boys + are such jerks! + + After I hang up on Eric a few times and he stops calling me back, + I call up my friend Candi and talk about what a jerk Eric is and what + bitches our friends are. They just think they're all that! They think + they are SO cute, and they're SO not!! After I talk to Candi, I have to + go next door and tell my neighbor to turn her music down. She's always + listening to some ugly girl singers who don't shave and complain about + how women are treated today. I mean, I am such a feminist. My idol is + Ally McBeal! I want to get a job in an office somewhere and have a + hunky boss and go home and have my husband clean the house! Women + should not be moaning about their situation, come on, we have it easy. + If those women want to change their own tires and pay for dates, go + ahead. I'll be right here, having my man buy me things. I think my + neighbor is a lesbian, I mean she doesn't even wear makeup! + + After I get done yelling at my neighbor, I sit and read Chicken + Soup for the Soul for a while. Those stories warm my heart. Then I + watch Friends, and after Friends I throw Clueless into the VCR. God, I + love that movie! The boy who turns out to be gay kind of reminds me of + Tarquin. + + When the movie is over, the room gets quiet. I look around, and + realize that Morrissey is staring at me from my wall. I melt. My alter + ego quickly fades away, and I throw on Viva Hate and return to my + "normal" existence. What do you do when you're alone? + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #368 - BY: GIRL FROM MARS - 12/22/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0369.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0369.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3a35993d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0369.txt @@ -0,0 +1,59 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #369 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "What Really Happened at Christmas" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Avenger !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/22/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + A long time ago, g0d was bored. + + "y0, uh, g0d. the people want a savior and shit," said an angel. + + g0d scratched his head and thought. there was this chick named + mary that he was going with at the time, and he decied to have her pop + out a baby, and it would be the savior that the people wanted. + + so, uhm, he gave it to mary. + + 9 months later, mary was walking around somewhere in israel. + + "man..israel sure does suck." she said. suddenly, her stomach + started to shake violently. + + "that goddamn g0d. i guess i'm having his baby and stuff. so, + uh, phear." + + anyway, after she had the baby, some werid fucking stars + appeared in the sky. some mogi came wandering along, wondering why the + fuck the stars were so bright. + + "hey, bitch. turn those fucking stars off. i'm trying to haq + something," said a mogi. + + "whoa. mogi? like, mogel? are you his ancestors or something? + do you guys read h0e?" + + "guh. you dipshit. we own h0e. except now it's called + 'hormonally overcharged ethiopians.'" + + "so, did you bring gifts or something? this is g0d's s0n. + chr1st." + + the mogi handed her some sand, a back issue of cDc, and a piece + of murmur's burnt flesh. + + "what the fuck is this?! you lame-asses! i want real gifts!" + + the mogi shrugged and walked off. mary read the issue of cDc, + and was inspired to make a bomb. she later blew her stupid fucking + head off. + + g0d was pretty pissy. he whined that chr1st was their savior, + and stuff would be elite from now on. instead, it was more like h3ll. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #369 - WRITTEN BY: AVENGER - 12/22/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0370.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0370.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3e7c6c79 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0370.txt @@ -0,0 +1,63 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #370 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: BRINGING YOU THE MOST ORIGINAL MATERIAL! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Gerbil Feed Bomb" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Swamp Ratte' !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/22/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Grudge against society? Seeking mass destruction & bloodshed? + Look no further... Follow these simple directions for nihilism + absolute... + + + 1. Get some Gerbil Feed, or some other type of small rodent food, + available at most any pet store. + + 2. Mash up the food pellets into a fine powder (about the consistancy of + beach sand). The best way to do this is to put the pellets in a bag, + and then beat the hell out of those bitches (pretend like they're + Nancy Reagan for more fun!) with a hammer. If you live near a major + highway, you can just scatter them around, and then come by later + with a shovel. + + 3. Put this powder into a jar (Jiff Peanut Butter jars work best, but + Peter Pan will do just fine). Get some model glue, the kind in + tubes, and squirt out a bunch of it into your hand. Spread it out + evenly over all your fingers, and then stick your hands into the jar. + Move your hands around a lot in the jar so that the glue is well + mixed with the powder. Go into a spasm, this should shake all the + glue off your hands. + + 4. Fill the rest of the jar up with gasoline(available at most any gas + station.) + + 5. Put a long fuse into it. If you're brave (and a bit stupid), you can + just drop a match into it. + + 6. Light the fuse if you put one in. If you dropped a match into it, + then go to the nearest phone, dial "911" and tell the nice people + that you have a large number of glass shards embedded in your lower + body. An ambulance should be there soon. + + 7. If you do not have glass shards in your body yet, just run VERY, + VERY fast, scream "incoming!" at the top of your lungs, and then + "hit the dirt!" This should attract all the neighbor's attention, + so they too will get to witness this spectacular event. + + 8. There! You've done it! When the police car comes to your house, + tell the nice police officers that a K.G.B. agent leaped out of a + tree, and threw a hand grenade at you. Of course they will be kind + and understanding being their job to "protect and serve." The + police are your friends! + + 9. Repeat for everything you want to slice, dice, chop, or mutilate. + Or just plain destroy, it doesn't really matter. + + Be sure to have a spare change of clothes handy... + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !ALL RIGHTS WORTH SHIT! #370 - WRITTEN BY: SWAMP RATTE' - 12/22/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0371.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0371.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..de41567f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0371.txt @@ -0,0 +1,120 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #371 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Naked People (Are People, too)" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Paganini !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/22/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Okay, so there I was. "Where were you?" Hang on. I'm getting + there. + + There I was driving my car down Auburn Street. It was a nice + day. It was an absolutely gorgeous day. I had the windows slightly + rolled down. Children were playing. Birds were singing. People were + waving at each other. (So it was the finger... that does not matter.) + Anyhow, understand that everything was just perfect. I was listening to + my new favorite song on the radio - Karma Police, by Radiohead. All + was right with the world. Can you picture it? Visuals are somewhat + important for this piece. + + Then, for some reason I started thinking "You know, something + just isn't right here. Something is missing." Incidentally I thought it + was a little cold for the month of September but we'll touch on that one + later. I looked around me and I couldn't find anything wrong but I knew + something was up. Something just didn't feel right. I looked up only to + find the small rip in the interior of my car that everyone has but has + no idea of its origin. I looked down to the floor of my car only to find + the hey and dirt that somehow makes its way there. I stopped to think + "Where did all that roughage come from?" I let it go though, because + there was something bigger here. There was a higher purpose to serve. + I looked from side to side and there was nothing but the many books and + socks that have taken up their residence on my passenger seat. + + Now, at this point I am starting to get a little worried. I + wondered if maybe I was having one of those psychic moments like you see + on Unsolved Mysteries. You know, the ones where people are killed and + across town some woman eats a hero sandwich and has stomach pains + knowing that somewhere in the world a man has died. Yeah, kind of like + that, except... not really. I look down once more only to see... and + this is the kicker... this is what will get you... + + I looked down only to see that my shirt was unbuttoned. My + blue, button-down shirt; the one that came from a friends discount at + the all too trendy "Buckle"; the one I wear almost every two days... was + completely unbuttoned. !!! That's just not decent. !!! + + Know this. I am not a tart. I am not one of those girls who run + around town in see-through shirts. I have never left the house in just + a towel. I do not wear the color purple. (Just throwing that one in + there.) What gets me about this whole thing is that this is the second + time something like this has happened to me. The first time was a + little worse because I had someone point it out to me at a gas station + in the form of cat calls and phone numbers. Granted, that was a little + better because it was only the top four buttons as opposed to all six. + You know, I feel kind of bad this time though. This is getting to be a + problem. Here I can program my VCR, calculate trigonometric problems, + and cure cancer (okay, maybe not) but I cannot even dress myself. What + does that say about me? What does that mean? What am I going to do? + I am beginning to wonder if maybe I need to start wearing big sweaters + with no buttons or perhaps a nice turtleneck would suffice. Maybe + someone should call me each morning and say "What are you wearing?" No. + I don't think that will do at all. + + All this got me thinking about naked people. (Let's keep it + clean folks.) It got me thinking about how every time I go to the local + bike path some woman wearing nothing but a bra and shorts runs past me. + It got me thinking about how men there jog in their underwear. Children + run around half naked. At first my opinion on all this was solid. Wear + clothes. Stay in school. Wear clothes to school. Stay away from + drugs... all that. However, I began to think about it and I will tell + you something. I am glad to live in a country where people can run + around half naked. I am happy to look around me and see people with no + clothing on. (Whoa!) I think it's a good thing when we can recognize + the human body as something beautiful (or not so beautiful as the case + may be) and accept it's presence in society. Now, don't pin me down as + one of those nudists. (One of those crazy nudists.) I simply think + that maybe we should open our minds a little. We should relax a little. + + One thing that has always disturbed me a little are those bins of + underwear that can be found in department stores. Ladies, men, you all + know what I am talking about. I am talking about how every time you are + in the hat department or the glove department, or maybe you are just + passing through, you can find a bin full of underwear laying in the + exact middle of the walkway. There is always a sign in the bin too. + It says something to the extent of "Bargain Underwear. Mix and Match." + Well, keep your bargain underwear away from me. I don't want your + bargain underwear. The last place I want to see the word bargain is + with the word underwear. (Or the word meat -- either one.) I don't like + the idea of rejected underwear, and that's what it is, you know. They + throw all of their rejected underwear into a bin and then... his is what + is most heinous of the whole thing. Women come over and they rummage + through the underwear. It's like the turkey bin at Logli's the last day + before Thanksgiving. (There's a whole story there.) They get these + crazed looks in their eyes and they delve deep into the bin... looking + for that one good pair of underwear. I'm sorry but I don't think I can + buy underwear that fifteen women have checked out and then rejected. + First of all, the idea that those women have seen my underwear just + doesn't do it for me. Secondly, the idea that they have seen my + underwear and rejected it; that it wasn't good enough for them... that + doesn't do much for me either. + + I'm not sure if this thing has a point. Perhaps it's just + something to think about. Look at yourself next time you leave the + house. You don't need to look great. Just make sure you're wearing + clothing. It's a plus! Chicks dig it! Guys... I'm not sure what the + deal is there. Or you know what? Don't wear clothing at all. That's + the beauty of all of this. Sure, you might be arrested. Sure, you + might go to jail. This is America. This is our country and if we don't + want to wear clothing then, by God, we have the sovereignty and we + should not have to wear clothing. You tell that to your police. You + tell them this crazy girl named Sara Mann told you no, you don't have + to wear a shirt today. That's the beauty of this country. We can show + our ankles and get away without being shot. I love this country! Thank + you and God bless America. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #371 - WRITTEN BY: PAGANINI - 12/22/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0372.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0372.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..dbde14ac --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0372.txt @@ -0,0 +1,187 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #372 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Internet Depression" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> LilNilHil !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/22/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + My sister is cooler than me. She *is*, damn it! She should + write for h0e. She knows the way, not me. Here, look at a letter she + wrote me. + + !!=====!! + + "I was looking at your writing. You really are a weird little + freak, Dan. When did you do that journal thing, anyway? Is that all + from like a year ago? What was that story about the girl named Sarah? + I figured that was about the Sarah in Virginia, you don't still talk to + her do you? I was wondering about where that story came from. You need + to get back to school. If not high school then get your GED and get to + SPJC. You need to learn how to write better, since that's what you + like. You should try getting better at what you like. And learning + more stuff. You're a good writer, but there are a lot more things to + write about than the depressing nature of life, and a lot more words to + learn. + + I think you could become a freelance writer or a journalist if + you went to school. You have to go to school to learn more about the + world and the things people talk about in writing, if you know what I + mean. Like newspapers don't need you to major in journalism but you + have to have a degree in something or be in college and work there as + an intern, because they don't just hire people who like to write. + Magazines will take stories that people write, features, but it is + extremely hard to make a living doing that. If you went to SPJC, got + some kind of transportation and a job, you could work for their + newspaper and you would be the best writer there because those people + all totally suck. You could take journalism with Linda Yakle! She is + so cool. She is like the coolest woman on that campus, and probably + the best teacher. + + I was taking journalism with her before I left to move up here + and had to drop it. She's really funny and a smart ass kind of feminist + woman, I think. Mr. Byrd just sent me a christmas card saying + him and his wife are probably going back to Florida so he will work at + SPJC again in the spring while working on his dissertation, to get + some money. That means you could take his class, and you would like him + a lot. He's a really cool guy and I know him real well, it would be + cool if you could take his creative writing class if he's teaching + that again. That would be great if you could do that. That would be + like the perfect thing for you. I don't know if he'll be teaching that + there this year or not, but I'll ask him. I mean if you're not doing + anything about high school, and not learning anything, there is no point + in being there. If you are still depressed like when you wrote some of + that journal thing, by the way, you ought to be on medication. It runs + in our family, it's an illness -- it's not a cynical state of mind. I + like cynical states of mind, I don't like wanting to die and wasting my + life away because that's all I can accomplish. + + If you want to go to a doctor, I think you would like that guy I + went to down there. I can't remember his name right now. But he wasn't + bad. Anyway, just thinking out loud here, but see the thing is you have + your whole life to figure out, at your age, and I never really managed + to do that, I am still trying to do it, and the sooner you get a handle + on it, the better off you'll be. As my teacher said one day, "Smart + people who don't do anything with their minds are a dime a dozen". They + are. It's true. It is hard to do anything with your mind if you have + no motivation to do anything, and depression kills motivation like a + pesticide. And then some people, they sit around on the internet all + day on some of these weird depressed people places, like I actually did + for a little while, and they sit there talking about the pain and the + agony of it all and how they want to slit their wrists, and jump out the + window, and meanwhile, the fucking idiots are sitting there typing on a + computer and doing nothing to solve their problem or change their + situation. + + And the reason they do that is it's comfortable. It's a hell of + a lot easier to spend your time thinking about how miserable you are + and how pointless everything is and how hopeless and how it never + changes and how there is NOTHING you can do about it, than it is to pull + your ass up and force yourself to take a shower and get dressed and get + yourself out the door, and face the boring, little pointless world in + which we live, and try to do something to make it not so boring or + pointless to you anymore. It's easier to sit on the internet like + those people do writing about their existential agony than it is to go + do the dishes. But the thing is, once you do the dishes, you have clean + dishes and you can eat. Then there is one thing that is done. It is + just one small thing, but that is the way that you change your life. It + is not as romantic as people like to think - depression. + + I have had 12 years of serious experience with it, and there was + nothing good about it, it wasn't deep, it wasn't artsy, it isn't + something that makes me or more REAL person than the rest of the world. + I mean, of course when you are depressed you experience I kind of depth + of emotion or of reality than other people do. You see all the crap + for what it is, and sometimes it makes me think I am sort of able to do + something other people can't do. But I would give that up in a second + for a mediocre little life where I didn't see all that crap. I would + and I'm not kidding because the only thing that depression is done for + me is fuck up everything I ever wanted to do and damn near kill me a + million times and make me feel more dead than alive half the time. I am + not saying this really to you, I"m just thinking here, like about some + of those poser alternative black-clad kids who think they really get it + all because they read the bell jar in 9th grade and they knew what some + of that was. The Bell Jar is where I spent most of my life, you know? + This is not something you get printed on a fucking t-shirt. This is + not something you're proud of. + + I was looking at these internet sites last night, and I think I + sent you the URL for one, and that one was connected to other ones, and + the thing is, about all these people, is these people are not suffering. + The people who go on the internet and write about the scars on there + arms are not the ones who suffer. Because if you're really suffering, + if you really "can't take it anymore" as those kind of people like to + say, then you DO something about it. It's like when you're dying of + starvation, you'll eat grass if that's the only thing around but you + won't sit around talking all day about how hungry you are and how it + feels to be dying of starvation. The people I feel sorry for are the + ones who go to the shrink, go to the therapist, take the medicine, try + to change themselves, try all the crap, and it doesn't work, and the + depression stuff overcomes them despite their efforts to get rid of + it. I know what that is like and it is a lot worse than being one of + these little bastards who sits there and makes a website for everyone + to come and talk about the misery of life and how many times they cut + themselves, and how they are going to kill themselves, and meanwhile, + none of those people wants to hear about the therapist or the doctor or + the medicine or the responsibilty you have to take for your own life, + they don't want to hear about that because that's not dramatic enough, + that's too boring. + + It's much more DEEP to sit around acting like you're helpless. + Those people are fucking losers. I don't even know why I sent you + that URL for that one site because the longer I looked at it the more + it made want to send hate mail to them. Anyone who sits on the + internet and makes a little page for a memorial to her email friends + who killed themselves, and never mentions any of the treatments for + depression or the things that you can do to try and make life liveable + deserves to be shot. That's all I can say about that. They make me + sick. I realize I am rambling on here and you're probably going to + think I've lost my fucking mind (that happened years ago, BTW), but I + just wanted to tell you this because I learned some crap from a lot of + crappy experience and it's not the good way to learn it. I love Sylvia + Plath's writing, and Anne Sexton's and I've read a lot of depressing + stuff because it was nice to be able to see that there were people who + actually put into writing the things that I experienced, but at the same + time, I know that depression feeds on itself. It likes itself. It + draws you only to depressing things, because once you don't have any + rose-colored glasses but have black ones instead, a lot of the + superficial shit in life just annoys you. + + But the thing is, spending all your time with those depressing + books and thoughts and people, like I did much of the time with books + and like when I went to these depression support groups for a little + while, it can be useful when you really are at the lowest point, but it + is not a way to get yourself out of there. I don't believe in any god, + but I do believe that there is a reason that we are on this planet. It + might be a reason we come up with ourselves, it might be that we are + just able to do something for somebody one day that nobody was around + to do, and I don't believe in any religious shit or in the idea that + everything has meaning and there are no coincidences, that's all + bullshit, but I do think that everyone has something they want to do + with their lives, and that when people give up on that, then their life + really is meaningless and they might as well kill themselves. But if + they choose not to completely give up they have a chance, and the fact + is that everybody alive chose not to really give up because if they + didn't they'd be dead already. If you really want to be dead you can + make it happen, and all the people who do suicide attempts that don't + kill them usually have some little tiny part of themselves that wants to + live and wants to be found. And those people don't want to admit that, + because once you admit then you have to start doing something about it. + + Depression kills people and it's horrible, but it doesn't have to + kill people. I feel more sorry for the guy who kills himself while he's + on prozac than for all the hundreds of thousands who never wanted to try + prozac who never tried anything and just ended it all without trying + first. I think I am going to put some of this on that web page I'm + making. The depression page. What do you think I should put on there? + Let me know. Talk to ya later." + + !!=====!! + + I fuckin' told you! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #372 - LOGGED BY: LILNILHIL - 12/22/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0373.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0373.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bc73c879 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0373.txt @@ -0,0 +1,134 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #373 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Geeks With Big Dicks" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Darwin !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/22/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Hey, it's your friendly neighborhood computer underground type + character with an article for your consideration. I'm Darwin (NOT MY + REAL NAME), a computer geek who has been wasting his time on these + stupid machines for most of my life. I started out on the TRS-80 model + II, and I'm typing this article on my 486/120. What happened between is + the sort of stuff that every other article in this 'zine is about. + Actually, it's what this article is about, too, but not really in the + way that you're probably expecting. What I've experienced in the last + 13 years on the computer and especially the last 5 years with my modem + is loosely referred to as "the computer underground". From the text + scene to the hack scene, to the warez scene, to the art scene, I've + dabbled in just about every computer scene there is. I've noticed + something that I think is pretty important, or interesting, anyway. + Essentially, it's that any computer underground scene comes down to a + bunch of weird geeks who want to prove how big their dick is. + + Now, I know what you're thinking. + + "Dick? He didn't mention the pr0n scene!" + + I'm not talking about .GIF dicks, or any real kind of sexual + organ. What I'm talking about is the male ego, the 'I'm better than + you' attitude, the 'my dick is bigger than yours' attitude. Why am I + not mentioning females? Well, honestly, they're statistically + insignificant in the computer underground. Parents don't push + computers on their female children as much as boys, not to mention + cultural taboos against technical or smart females. Back to the point + at hand. + + Take my local text scene. In RICUS magazine, "Robin Hood" (NOT + HIS REAL HANDLE) wrote info about how to hack Fidonets, the bust of + local freaks, et cetera. Pretty tame stuff, but far-out for the kind + of kid who is used to Wildcat bbses, and Shareware crap like that. + After RICUS hit the local scene, we had scores of copycats, although + none of them had any really useful information in them like RICUS did. + People called The Ministry of Knowledge (TMoK) to peruse the huge + masses of text files, and people jumped on the bandwagon. Local guys + competed to get text from Ripco, Demon Roach Underground, The Works, + The Floating Pancreas, all the major text boards. People hoarded cDc + and uXu text files and started trying to write "CRAZZY SCHTUPH". The + RICUS folks spawned S0NS 0F LIBERTY (S0L) which was pretty decent, for + a while. The people who wrote for this group were literate and + knowledgeable. Of course, they got the 'glory' in the local scene, + and others wanted a chunk of the action. A bunch of lame-ass groups + sprung up, saying idiotic things for 4 issues and then dying. Mostly, + they were bad-mouthing people who nobody had ever heard about and + jabbering about hacking telegard. Total crap. Anyway, my point here + is pretty obvious. The Text scene was established as a permanent + entity. Those who had the most text files and wrote the most for the + text magazines were the most respected. Instead of being some + pimply-faced 95-pound weakling, they were big shots, they got the + glory, they had the biggest dick. + + People had been pirating software for years, but the + proliferation of the modem really helped people along. Instead of copy + parties or borrowing your friends disks, you just dial up your local + wares board. You log in, you see some amazing ANSI art and then you + download your cracked copy of Police Quest. Could there be anything + better? Well, some of these boards want you to upload, so what can you + do? Either you can call long distance to try to find some other games + to put up there, or you can do ANSIs for the system. The people from the + text scene who wanted games ended up either as warez traders or art + scene freaks. Eventually, some time in 92 or 93, the art people finally + told the wares guys to fuck off and started charging for ANSIs. This, + in my opinion, is completely retarded. There should be competition to + do an ANSI for a big wares group. I mean, Christ, people will see your + logo everytime they download a game! Anyway, the wares scene showed up, + accompanied by the art scene. People make their names bigger, trying to + be the best artist, run the biggest board, be in the best groups, + whatever. Again, both of these scene exist for the sole purpose of + boosting the ego of a antisocial computer addict. + + So, for the people who like to take apart shit and "BOMB VEGAS + FIRSTTT" (i.e. -- people who saw 'Wargames') started hacking computers. + Doing crazy stuff like scanning #s for sys75s, UNIX dialup boxes, and + finally jumping on the net and haqing up the Pentagon and the Kremlin. + Anyway, these people wrote their own text files about hacking, hung out + on bridges, and just basically spent a lot of time on their computers. + We have PHRACK, 2600, CuD, all dedicated to explaining exactly how to + get stuff without paying it. The better you could hack, the cooler you + were, the more people respected your name. Urville from the Legion of + Doom got tons of props, despite the fact that he's not the world's most + interesting guy (I've met him). Anyway we see here (as in the wares + scene) the second reason for the computer underground. Not only are + these people trying to prove their masculinity, they are trying to get + something that they are not allowed to have. + + Does this sound familiar to anyone? It should. + + Anyone who has been to High School in America understands all of + these trends without even knowing it. We have the jocks (low-tech), the + nerds (hi-tech), the punks (lowest-tech), etc, etc... but they're all + trying to be the best at what they are. They're all trying to get + booty, get into the best colleges, get the nicest cars, get drunk, get + in fights, whatever. They're rebelling against their parents and doing + it in whatever way they happen to prefer. The big guys play football, + the brainy anti-social types hack, trade wares, do ANSIs, write text + files, or whatever. + + People in all of the computer underground's scenes like to diss + the people in the other scenes. Wares guys don't like text files, + hackers don't like anyone, text guys don't like wares guys, and so on + so forth. I have to say that I think that this is completely + counterproductive, and the fragmented nature of the underground aids in + its assimilation into mainstream culture. We, as computer geeks (that + is, people who spend tons of times fooling around with a machine), are + by our nature anti-social (not spending tons of time fooling around with + people). If we are to hold strong against those we universally despise: + Consumers, Jocks, Yuppies, in other words "THE COMPLACENT MULTITUDE", + then we have to put this crap aside. Wares guys, make friends with your + software! Hack guys, make friends with your accounts! Text guys, make + friends with crazy shit! Art guys, draw an ansi for free for some hacker + or wares guy or whatever! If you're going to waste your time on these + damn machines... + + Do it for the sake of the greater purpose -- + + "The Right To Be Antisocial as Hell and Still Make Friends and + Have Fun." (If I could put it in 10 foot letters on my roof, god knows + I would.) + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #373 - WRITTEN BY: DARWIN - 12/22/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0374.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0374.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bea1c4a2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0374.txt @@ -0,0 +1,111 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #374 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Jesse's Self-destructive Methods" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> The Jester !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/22/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + he blinked slowly as he got into the car. he turned it on and + gave one last look back at he house. the lights were all out except one. + hers. the saddest single light in the known world at the time. it was + saying, go, just from the looks of it. + + he slowly drove around the neighborhood. he was thinking back at + all the times he had spent with her. even as a friend, he felt as if + there was something more, but he never knew. + + dana had been his only source of feelings for so long. he was + numbed from a life of change and, although she caused pain as well as + joy, it was better than apathy. + + he remembered when his ex-girlfriend, staring at her, then + staring at dana. it was a worthless relationship that ended by his + leaving for escape of boredom. as was the case quite often. + + but dana was different. her seemingly coolness to him was better + than any adoration of another girl. it provided him with feelings + unknown to him. + + his friends told him she wasn't in love with him. he knew, and + didn't care. he'd rather be despised by her than loved by someone who + cared. + + "hate is the cure of my pains," he rationalized "because i am so + tolerant to all forms of love. my joy comes only in self-destructive + forms because i am in love with something i don't relate to." + + he experience moments of self realization. he understood that + his one true love was the person he hadn't spoken to in years. + "lauren," he felt himself cheering up, "i have to go see lauren." + + as he accelerated at improper speeds he found his mind open up + and he was in a world he hadn't known for years. lauren. the word + brought him comfort in and of itself. + + "one right, a left, 2 rights, and a left.. ok." he was + suprisingly comfortable, whereas he normally had no composure at all. + he had no anxiety and the world was clear. he understood. + + he parallel parked got out of the car and knocked on the door. + + "hello?" + + "lauren?" + + "yes?" + + "its jesse." + + "oh, wow, hold on a second, let me unlock the door." + + as she unlocked the door he finally felt the nervousness kick in, + and he felt the urge to go run away, but he stood there and awaited her. + + "how have you been?" she asked, in his opinion, too formally. + + "good, and you?" + + "great! have you talked to anyone from school lately?" + + as he shrugged, he said "eh, well, a few people. actually, i came + over because i had to tell you something." + + she was utterly confused, and silent, so he continued. "although + we really haven't been in touch the past couple years, i have missed you + an incredible ammount and, well ...." + + she just stared. + + "i think i lo--" + + "stop. i know what you are going to say." + + it was his turn to stare. + + "i think i want to get to know you again." + + "not exactly the answer i was looking for, but ok," he thought + to himself. he smiled. + + "i have been wanting to tell you that for so long. so you want + to go out... when?" he didn't want to seem too pushy. + + "how about next friday?" + + "sure, give me a call. here's my number. i'll talk to you soon." + + she gave him a slight kiss on the cheek and said bye, and went + back inside. + + as he drove away happy, she went inside sad. she knew what had + been going on in his life, and just felt a little pity for him, but she + knew. + + she blinked slowly as she went inside. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #374 - WRITTEN BY: THE JESTER - 12/22/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0375.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0375.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5ac36718 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0375.txt @@ -0,0 +1,118 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #375 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Unsatisfactory Behavior" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Cap'n Sparky !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/22/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Recently, I've come to the conclusion that I don't really like + people. I really don't like most of the people in my age group. Now, + you're probably reading this and snickering, thinking "Great! He's + gonna rant about all the preppy kids and the jock kids of the world! + He's gonna rant about all the people who don't watch anime, or listen to + the kind of music I listen to or etc..." + + Nope, I'm afraid you're reading the wrong text file. No, those + people already get enough bad press. Most of them don't even deserve + it. In fact, once you're out of high school, or you're not in a college + that's filled with those folks you don't really have to deal with them. + Some of them are even <*gasp*> pretty nice people. + + No, I'm going to talk about the other assholes of the world. The + ones who annoy me more because I run into them more often in my daily + life. I hate dealing with morons as much as the next guy. The only + problem is that there are more idiots out there than we'd like to + believe exist. + + Case study #1: The bookworm. This type of moron reads quite a + bit, maybe William S. Burroughs, maybe Jung, whoever. It doesn't matter. + They read, and they think that just because they like reading they are + more interesting than people who don't like reading. They like to + believe that they are cool and really rather interesting because they + read. They think that the world should bow down and worship them because + they read books. + + Who cares? If you can hold an interesting conversation about what + you read, that's cool. If reading helped to open your mind, and you + learned something interesting that's also cool. However, most bookworms + think that they are automatically smart because they're literate. That's + not the case. I have dealt with a number of people who don't read, or + don't read very much who are far smarter, far more interesting, and far + cooler than the average bookworm. First of all, don't get so stuck up + that you think that reading is an excuse to be an asshole. It's not. + Just because someone doesn't read doesn't mean that they're stupid or + not as good as you. + + Most people who read are dull and stuck up. Don't be dull and + stuck up. I advocate burning all the books and lynching the librarians + (and the libertarians too, but that's another rant for another day). + Perhaps you don't need to have such extreme views. Just realize that + being literate doesn't make you better than anyone else. + + Case study #2: The underground hepcat. We all know someone like + this. Many of you out there are probably one of these bastards. Most of + these people rightly deserved all of the teasing they got (or still get) + in high school. The underground hepcat likes one (or more) types of + media that aren't in the mainstream. They think that this makes them + better than everyone else. I hate to say it, but that's just isn't the + case. I don't care if you listen to Marilyn Manson or you were into + NiN "before anybody". I could give two shits if you like anime or + Chinese action flicks. If you're an asshole who liked John Woo "before + he was big," you're still just a frigging asshole. You know who you are. + Go shoot yourself now. + + As an example, I would probably wipe my ass with most manga just + as soon as read it. That's my opinion. It doesn't make me cooler than + someone that likes manga. I just don't like manga. I'm of that opinion. + I don't like most anime either, usually it's badly dubbed, poorly + animated and horribly written, just because it comes from another + country doesn't mean that it's good. Again, this is my opinion. It + doesn't make me wonderful, and that fact alone doesn't mean I'm an + asshole. + + Don't get me wrong, different types of media are cool. They + create a common denominator for a group of people. However, I've met + plenty of idiots who like the bands I like, or who love the movies I + like. I don't think that they're cool because they like the same thing + I do. This is something that many of you out there are going to have to + come to grips with. A good friend of mine really enjoys modern country + music. I'll never understand why, it makes no sense to me, and I + despise modern country. He's still a good friend and a great person. + He's also funny and smart. Another friend of mine listens to Oasis. To + say that I don't like Oasis would be a kind understatement. I didn't + really like the Beatles the first time around, let alone a cheap + knockoff. Nonetheless, he's been my friend for... shit, 18 years or + so now. He doesn't love everything I love, and I don't love everything + he loves. Yet he's still my best friend. I've never had a girlfriend + who liked the same music, literature, or movies that I did. Guess what, + some of them were really pretty wonderful people. + + So, to sum up my point: If you're a moron, you're a moron. I + could care less if you can recite "Macbeth" backwards and forwards, or + if you were really into Skinny Puppy or the Chemical Brothers long + before I was. I don't care how high your IQ is, and your sexual + orientation doesn't make you really ultra-cool. I could really care + less if you know the names of every character in the entire print + version of the "Akira" saga. I could care less if you loved Chow Yun + Fat before he was "cool." I don't care how many Argento movies you can + recite in your sleep. If you're an asshole, you're still an asshole. + Just because you were picked on in high school for looking like a freak, + or being a stuck up jerkoff doesn't give you the right to take it out on + anybody who doesn't match your standards. Most likely, you're just like + the people that you hate. If you're that kind of person, I'm glad you + got tormented in high school. + + I'm sure some of you think I'm an asshole at this point. + Personally, I'd love it if every reader did. Some of you will also have + missed my point. I don't really care. If you think that you're + wonderful, or that everyone else sucks because they don't like to get + their jollies watching cartoons about young girls in sailor suits + fighting evil... well, you can suck my hairy ass. You're most likely a + chucklehead. My world will turn without you. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #375, WRITTEN BY: CAP'N SPARKY, 12/22/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0376.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0376.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..06c6a7e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0376.txt @@ -0,0 +1,235 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #376 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Teletype's First Lay" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Squinky !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/25/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + PERSONS OF THE DIALOGUE: Teletype, Meenk. + + Meenk: Welcome, teletype, Are you from your native city of Warwick? + + Teletype: No, Meenk; but from Boston, where I attended the festival of + Asclepius. + + Meenk: And do the Bostonians have contests of rhapsodies at the + festival? + + Teletype: O yes; and all sorts of bizarre accents. They harmonize with + the R as an H, and the like. + + Meenk: So I have heard. And were you one of the competitors, did you + succeed? + + Teletype: I could not get off my fatass, Meenk, for I am sorely turgid + in weight. + + Meenk: Poorly done, and I hope you will do more for us at the + Panathenaea. + + Teletype: And I will, and it please Heaven. + + Meenk: I admire the fatass, teletype, for you always have nothing to + do but get larger. Many are the days that I wish I could sit + around in front of monochrome green terminals slowly + radiating myself out of children. Then again, you are + continually obliged to be in the company of many good + fatasses, and especially of Dennis m. Ritchie and Larry Wall, + who are the best and most divine of them. And no man can be + a fatass who does not understand the meaning of fat. For the + fatass ought to interpret the collective fat of his + predecessors and through a sort of photosynthesis make a new + fat for himself, ever increasing his girth and width, but how + can he interpret fat unless he knows what he means? All of + this is to be greatly envied. + + Teletype: Very true, Meenk. Interpretation has certainly been the most + laborious part of my art, for else I sit around eating + cheetos, and I believe myself to speak better about fat + storage than any man; and that neither Linus Torvadeli, nor + Larry Ellison, nor Glaucon, nor anyone else who ever was, had + as much fat as I have now, nor as great a reverence as I. + + Meenk: I am glad to hear you say so, Teletype, I see that you will + not refuse to acquaint me with them. + + Teletype: Certainly Meenk, and you really ought to see how exquisitely + I transform food into blubber. I think that USENET should give + me a golden crown. + + Meenk: I shall take an opportunity of watching you grow larger + before mine own eyes at some other time. But just now I should + like to ask you a question: Does you art extend to liquids + and gas, or to solids only? + + Teletype: To solids only,it in itself is quite enough. + + Meenk: Are there times when both liquid and solid have the same fat + content? + + Teletype: Yes; in my opinion there are a good many. + + Meenk: And can you better process the solid, or the liquid, in the + instances in which they have the same fat content? + + Teletype: I can process them equally well they are both utterly + unnutrious in nature. + + Meenk: But what about the instances in which they do not agree? + -- for example, a happy meal, of which both liquid and solid + are contents -- + + Teletype: Very true. + + Meenk: Would you or a lard ass be a better converter of the + occurances of simultaneously appearances of both of these + phases, not only when they are the same, but when they are + different? + + Teletype: A lard ass. + + Meenk: And if you were a lard ass, would you be able to convert them + when they are different as well as when they are the same? + + Teletype: Clearly. + + Meenk: But how did you come to have this ability with solids only, + and not about liquids or the other phases? Do not solids + contain the same fat that all others have? Is not pure + excess its great argument? and does it not deal with your + fat ass and of the intercourse of other fatasses, good and + bad, skilled and unskilled, and of the I.V. bag dripping pure + fatuous mana into the very veins of fatasses everywhere, and + about what happens in the Land of Lard and in the Dietary + Gymnasium, and generations of fat asses and lard asses? Is + this not what solids deal with? + + Teletype: Very true, Meenk. + + Meenk: And do not other phases contain the same? + + Teletype: Yes, Meenk, but not in the same way as solids. + + Meenk: What, in a worse way? + + Teletype: Yes, in a far worse way. + + Meenk: And solids in a better way? + + Teletype: It is incomparably better. + + Meenk: And yet surely, my dear lover Teletype, in a discussion of + starches, where many starchy foods are present, and one is + starchier than the rest, there is someone who can judge + which of them has the highest levels of starch? + + Teletype: Yes. + + Meenk: And he who judges of the good will be the same as he who + judges of the bad speakers? + + Teletype: The same. + + Meenk: And he will be a nutritionist? + + Teletype: Yes. + + Meenk: And do you remember the first night on which we made love, and + I took from you your maidenhead? + + Teletype: Truly, I do. + + Meenk: Do you hold me in contempt for doing so? Have I unjustly + sexualized you? Were you not ready to make sweet love + beneath the starry sky? + + Teletype: No, Meenk, I do not believe I was capable. While I was capable + of penetrating you, and causing the utmost of sensory + pleasures, I feel that perhaps I was too young at the time. I + was still healing, at the time, from the various emotional + wounds that my father inflicted upon me as a teenager. + + Meenk: You did not find the love making a soothing balm for your + pain? + + Teletype: While I may have found the inner chambers of your steaming + pussy a comforting sensory pleasure, I must confess, Meenk, + that I found it more corrupting to the emotional hurt that I + suffered from at the time. + + Meenk: But sometimes, Teletype, can not further wounding be a boon? + What of the leech the physican places on the wound? Does + this not eventually heal the patient, while initially causing + discomfort? + + Teletype: While I must confess this to be true, I must also hasten to + add that I have yet to feel any emotional benefits from your + steamy pussy and clenching muscles. + + Meenk: I see. + + Teletype: In fact, I believe that you used me, to further your own + worldly goals. + + Meenk: How so, teletype? + + Teletype: I believe that you saw me as an opportunity to rise up the + hierarchy of the Form of Slut. You saw me as yet another + conquest to bring you that much closer to the ultimate + fulfillment of the Idea of Slut. To you, I was merely + another rung on the ladder. + + Meenk: Perhaps it is so. + + Teletype: It is with the greatest pleasure that I embrace sweet Revenge + and inform you of a great truth I have learned in life, since + our moments of lovemaking. Indeed, it is even sweeter + revenge to know that I came upon this truth after hours of + contemplative thought, thought I was thrust into due mainly + to your sexual advances towards me. + + Meenk: Please, Teletype, tell me what it is you know! + + Teletype: That ultimate fulfillment of any form is impossible. You can + never be the Perfect Slut, because the Perfect Slut is a + universal ideal, rather than a reality. Just as a chair can + never be the perfect chair, no matter how much energy and + time is placed in its construction. It will always be an + image of the idea. As will you. + + Meenk: I see. + + Teletype: I take great pleasure and delight in the realization that your + greatest ambition is a failure, a pipe dream that will never + be fulfilled. + + Meenk: Are you quite certain? + + Teletype: Yes. + + Meenk: Then tell me this, Teletype, if you believe that ultimate + fulfillment of the Forms are impossible, how do you take into + account your own existence? From your own words to me, I + know that none are as great a fat ass as you. As I look at + you now, I can think of no bigger fat ass I have ever seen. + I believe you to be the ultimate fulfillment of the form of + fat ass. Do you deny that you are? + + Teletype: I can not. + + Meenk: So it is proven, by your own existence, that perfect + fulfillment of the idea is a possibility, and even a reality? + + Teletype: I am afraid so. + + Meenk: Then I view you as merely a rung on the ladder, a person I + stepped upon and squashed in my grand dream. Go back to your + hovel and hide from the sunlight as all creatures such as you + must inevitably do. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #376 - WRITTEN BY: SQUINKY - 12/25/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0377.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0377.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..564b6add --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0377.txt @@ -0,0 +1,125 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #377 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Problem With Pooh" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Paganini !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/25/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Before one reads this little "commentary"; this little + "editorial," if you will, they should take note that it may offend any + one person or group who, much like the larger half of society, worships + such childhood heroes as: Captain Kangaroo, Mr. Rogers, Transformers + (robots in disguise), Thundercats (think way back), He-Man and his + ever-loving sister: She-Ra, and of course, Winnie the Pooh. + + When I was younger, I was an avid Saturday morning cartoon + watcher, as I'm sure many other people my age were. I can honestly say + that was the only time I would wake up at six in the morning to watch + T.V. I'm sure people can understand the heartache I felt if I had + accidentally slept in, and missed all the cartoons, only to find some + old Saturday Western on, or even the news. (God forbid.) Thus, these + cartoons became a great part of my childhood. When I look back on them, + I have fond memories of my early mornings, sometimes beginning at five + a.m. However, now I am able to see what exactly I had watched so + religiously all those years. I watched cartoons about little blue + people who lived in a mushroom village, and were chased down by a + freaky old man and his cat. While, all the time, they remained merry; + singing there little "la-la-la" song. I watched a show where a man + changed in front of me, and sent off his little "trolley" to that scary + little puppet world in the walls of his house. (I'm sorry, but that + rosy-cheeked queen puppet scared me, and does to this day give me + nightmares.) Yet there is one cartoon, by far the sickest of them all, + that has seeped its way into our culture: Winnie the Pooh. + + This "classic" cartoon portrays all sorts of dysfunctional + characters, while taking place in Christopher Robbins dream world. I + never truly noticed any of this until I took the time to examine each + character. Perhaps the most disturbing one of them all was Eeyore. He + was this sad, blue donkey. He didn't socialize with anyone. I remember + one particular show where he didn't tell anyone it was his birthday. He + was constantly depressed, and possibly dull-witted. It just made me sad + when I saw Eeyore, especially when his tale fell off. Do you think they + could invent a more pathetic character? I mean, give the blue donkey + his dignity. + + Another character that I had a problem with was Rabbit. First of + all, was Rabbit a male or a female? Rabbit was a sexually confused + bunny who lived all by himself in that big tree. He wanted nothing to + do with the other characters, (despite their cute and lovable + appearances). He spent his time working in the garden, and hated the + beavers or badgers, or woodchucks or whatever they were. He wasn't + friendly, but rather, he struck me as somewhat selfish. All he cared + about were his vegetables. Come to think of it; Rabbit never wore any + clothes. Maybe if they had put some pants on him, and maybe a big belt + buckle or something, then we'd know he was a "masculine bunny." A nice + dress would also suffice. + + What was the deal with Tiger? Does he remind anyone else of + Seinfelds' Kramer. He was always bouncy, and energetic. If anyone + recalls, he was always using that little piglet for bait, from the + "monsters." He was the ring leader of their little imaginary + adventures, and by far, Rabbits worst nightmare. (A jumpy tiger that + would destroy his/her crops.) Tiger was always running around Eeyore, + too. Eeyore didn't need that. He had his own problems. + + Two characters that always sort of bothered me were Kanga and + Roo. First of all, will Roo ever grow up? Does Roo have any friends, or + does he just hang out in that little hut with his mother who was always + giving him cough medicine. What was up with that? Why did Roo always + have a cold? His mother was doping him up! Maybe that's why he never + grew. Maybe that's why he always had that glassy eyed look on his face. + + The other little mental case that disturbed me was Piglet. The + poor little guy had so many phobias; Freud would have given up. He was + used by his friends as bait (see: Tiger) for the pretend monsters. All + he ever really wanted was to be a hero; like a knight or a prince. The + poor little guy was just too scared, and hid in the trunk in Christopher + Robbins attic, or hid behind that large yellow bear. + + That brings me to the bear we call Pooh. The now financial + giant, who has found his way into clothing, books, and numerous + children's sales, was just one of the most pathetic characters this + author (If I may call myself that... humor me.) has ever seen. He was + a compulsive eater. He risked his life and the pretend lives of others + to get food. He was so overweight that he got caught in some beavers + hole once, and couldn't get out for a week. Sure, he was nice. Yeah, + he was lovable and sweet, but it was simply too sad to watch this bear + obsess over honey. + + The last character that I have failed to mention is Christopher + Robbin. Christopher Robbin was this little boy who lived in an + imaginary world within his head. There was something almost + psychedelic about the way he would escape top that place where his + friends Pooh, Tiger and Piglet would rescue him from the daily + struggles of boyhood. And now that Pooh has been lasted so long it + makes one wonder if Chris Robbin is actually this thirty-year old guy, + who still lives at home, in his little pretend forest where kangaroos, + bears and smart owls co-exist. Perhaps all he needed was a father + figure, or a friend. You know, someone to play catch with. Instead of + that, he was provided with stuffed animals. Perhaps the complexes of + these animals symbolize a deeper struggle within Chris Robbin. Maybe + they are extensions of his personality. Perhaps he is a young, sexually + confused boy, with mother complexes and depressant tendencies. + Probably not. + + After looking into all these characters it is almost funny to + see what a giant Pooh has become. One can buy Pooh paraphernalia from + clothing to children's lunch boxes; books to video sing-a-longs. It + seems no matter how much our society grows and changes there will + always be room for a big yellow bear who searches for honey. While most + of the local networks have turned away from the Saturday morning + cartoon routine, finding that pre-teen shows tend to do better + now-a-days, Winnie the Pooh remains a constant. Although I, personally + have a few problems with the characters and the way they interact with + each other, I must recognize the idea that maybe this bear has done so + well because he symbolizes childhood dreams and fantasy land. He is all + we used to be when we were younger; innocent, curious and imaginative. + Perhaps that is why a big yellow bear named Pooh, and his friends will + stay with us always. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #377 - WRITTEN BY: PAGANINI - 12/25/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0378.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0378.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1fa56928 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0378.txt @@ -0,0 +1,125 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #378 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "My Brother's Pockets" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/25/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + My brother is a fucking weirdo. + + Travis is known at high school for being "the kid everyone + wants to beat up". He has long blonde hair, wears mostly tie-dye and + flannels, and your ordinary, average big-leg jeans, and a gigantic + jingle-bell that dangles from his shoes and jangles VERY LOUDLY as he + walks. + + All he's doing is carrying on the family tradition. Everytime + I look at my brother, I see reflections of my own high school years, + when I would wander around with my pink plastic Animaniacs backpack, + with all of my friends making a train down the hallway to British Lit. + I remember walking Monkees-style down the hall, blocking all traffic, + singing the Sesame Street theme song at maximum volume. + + But this story is not about me. + + Travis was trying to do his homework (trying is the key word), + and I kept interrupting him as I read various t-files I had downloaded + from all these people who urged "READ MY 'ZINE!!!" As I approached the + end of Grill #1, I discovered that maybe my brother wasn't so different + after all. In fact, in a parallel universe (okay, maybe just in + Illinois), SOMEONE ELSE collected bizarre things. And oddly enough, HE + HAD FOUND SOME OF THE SAME ITEMS (including pictures of unknown people + kissing and foreign candy bar wrappers. Go figure). + + You're free, Travis. You're not the only fucking weirdo out + there. + + *** This is what my brother carries around in his pockets as + of December 17, 1998. *** + + -- Mint Waxed Dental Floss container (complete with floss) + -- One of those tiny keyboard light covers that reads "Caps Lock", + "Number Lock", and "Scroll Lock" + -- A chunk of a ninth grade Algebra I chair + -- A wooden block used in the science project "Birth And Death" + -- Three different brands of Wet Naps + -- A Band-Aid holder (complete with Band-Aids) from a hotel in New + Hampshire + -- Jumbo Size Eraser + -- Fake Brazilian Power Crystal + -- A rabbit's foot (that smells rather badly) + -- Two miniature red bowling pins + -- Three magnets + -- Half of the clip from the top of a clipboard + -- A coin from Seychelles which, on the back, reads "Grow More Food." + Yes, this is legal tender in Seychelles. + -- One severely high-inducing permanent marker + -- One purple glove + -- The leg from a Lego-Man + -- Mini Etch-A-Sketch + -- Damien, the snake from the WWF Jake The Snake Roberts wrestling figure + -- Clear marble + -- Coffee-colored marble + -- The second SuperBall he ever got + -- Gold pocketwatch + -- Mike Tyson's cousin: The Bluest Man on the Planet (a little blue + stick-figure man from a refrigerator magnet) + -- A screw with nuts + -- Small red eraser + -- Stick-Person Nudie Deck (made from an ordinary deck of miniature + playing cards, artwork by yours truly) + -- An ankh earring he stole from ME + -- A silver ringy thingy + -- A fairy from a necklace of mine that is broken + -- Chunk of a hot-glue stick + -- Inserts for the Bedazzler + -- Two blue beads that don't match + -- Pocketknife from a hospital + -- Bingo chip from seventh grade + -- Pocket calculator + -- "Quest For Camelot" Go-Fish Game from Wendy's + -- Q-Tips in a Q-Tip case + -- One Pringles lid (he has approximately 30 in his room) + -- Three combs + -- His last report card + -- A hall pass to go to the Computer Center from eighth grade + -- Purple cricket (that makes real purple cricket sounds!), a Mulan toy + from McDonald's + -- 20 Propranolol pills (for his heart condition) + -- Glow-in-the-dark Duncan yo-yo + -- A frog paperweight (he says you can hide your coke inside) + -- A clicky pen that has a delayed reaction to clicking it + -- A silver chain long enough to jump-rope with + -- Carmex (in a tube, not in a jar) + -- A small bottle of Purell + -- Broken Scooby Doo flip-book from Wendy's + -- Little Red Riding Hood Little Little Golden Book (This Little Little + Golden Book Belongs To: Gary Coleman) + -- The Tawny Scrawny Lion Little Little Golden Book (also property of + Mr. Coleman) + -- A card from the game Slap Jack, named Forgetful Fred, completely + mutilated because he hates a kid named Fred + -- Two packages of gauze + -- Business card from Turtle Bob's Gifts + -- Description of "Gothic Guardians", aka gargoyles + -- "How To Use A Porta-Potty" instruction manual + -- Order forms for Tony's Pizza Service + -- German Coca-Cola Ad + -- Magic: The Gathering card, "Giant Growth" in one of those hard + plastic cases + -- "Welcome to THC.com" ad, given to him from my old roommate Rich, the + biggest pothead you'd ever see + -- A "Got WaxTrax?" ad from my Sneaker Pimps CD + -- A sheet of Conan O'Brien quotes + -- The Eternally Happy Wallet that's being stomped on by a buffalo and + attacked by Mothra while two Irish cops look the other way, while a + Smiley Face that's perfect (has a star) smiles blissfully just + watching the whole thing. And it's all padlocked shut. + + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #378 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 12/25/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0379.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0379.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2eb67032 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0379.txt @@ -0,0 +1,38 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #379 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "GUNS N' FUCKIN' ROSES" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Kreid !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/25/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + SKULLZ COOL TATTOOS + CROSSBONEZ GUNS N' FUCKIN' ROSES NEWSLETTER #1!!! AXL FUCKIN RULES + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + MOTHERFUCKIN' INTRO! BY KILLER KREID! + + HAHAHAH!!!!! WHAT'S UP MOTHERFUCKERS?! welcome to the guns n' + fuckin roses newsletter NUMBER ONE!!! AHAHAH!! this is the text file + group about fuckin' doin what's right, ROCKIN' AND FUCKIN' ROLLIN' UNTIL + YOUR HEADS FALL THE FUCK OFF!!! AHAHAHA!!!! we have ONLY one rule and + thats: NO PUSSIES!!!! THAT MEANS YOU JAMESY YOU FUCKIN NIGGER-LOVER!!!! + FUCK YOU!!! YOU THINK WE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR BULLSHIT LIES?!! EAT + SHIT, FAGGOT! + + YEAH! listen this motherfuckin textfile group COMIN' ATCHA is no + fuckin' joke!! we want all you fuckin' pussies out there to know that + your time has fuckin' come!!! you hear that, JAMESY, YOU SHIT-TALKING + ASS-SUCKING PANSY!!! it's about time you fuckin' got WHAT'S COMING TO + YA!!! AAHAHAHAH!!! YEAH MOTHERFUCKER! just never show your face around + us real rock n' rollin' motherfuckers or i guarantee you you will get + your fuckin' ass kicked!!! we don't take excuses from nigger-lovers, + ASSHOLE! + + OK!! ROCK THE FUCK ON!!!! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #379 - WRITTEN BY: KREID - 12/25/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0380.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0380.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..34fb0b8f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0380.txt @@ -0,0 +1,50 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #380 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "I Want My Fucking Anubi" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Avenger !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/25/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + seriously. + + what the hell is the plural for all the egyptian god names? + + horus? would that be hori? they're's FUNGI. I want my fucking + HORI. I want my ANUBI, too. + + i contemplated this for quite a while before I took action. the + webster's dictionary lists the plural as 'anubises'. + + anubises my fucking ass. + + (maybe at this point, i should have just shut the fuck up and + let it go, but that wouldn't be a very good e'zine article, and it + wouldn't be very much fun, either. i decided to take action and call + the company that publishes webster's dictionary.) + + me: uh. your dictionary says the plural of anubis is anubises. that's + fucking wrong. + guy: uhm, what? + me: your stupid fucking dictionary. it incorrectly lists the plural + of 'anubis' as 'anubises.' (going out of my way to curse.) + guy: i doubt it, sir. + me: you stupid fascist ansi-artist. listen to me. change the + dictionary. + guy: + + i pondered this for a minute, before I yet again decided to take + _action_. man, i'm so witty. i take action so much. you should + probably see me as a role model. yeah. + + i marched right into irc, and headed for #egypt. to make a long + story short, i got banned after a long string of questions regarding + anubis. + + stupid fucking anubis. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #380 - WRITTEN BY: AVENGER - 12/25/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0381.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0381.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5b850e1f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0381.txt @@ -0,0 +1,78 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #381 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Ego et Internet" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Isaac !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/25/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + INTRODUCTION, bringing form to common notions + + Know the Face of Ego + ==================== + + The ego is the tool of the unconscious and the foundation of the + conscious. Motivations of conscious action (the voice of the ego) can be + heard plainly, and many of the voices can be given faces. + + - "I want to be" (instinct) + - "I want to be valid to me" (Logos) + - "I want to be valid to the outside" (Eros) + + Much of psychology and philosophy is basically derived from these + statements. + + Know the Face of Internet + ========================= + + The internet and computers are the ultimate tool of the human + mind as cars and giant cranes are the ultimate tool of the human body. + + For most, the internet and their computers means a whole spectrum + of activities from talking to friends to downloading pornography. + + Seen from the eyes of a programmer like myself though the + internet is a new universe of input and output. (mostly input), where + one intakes information that s/he wants that others willing put out. + One finds intellecaul stimulus, sexual stimulus, and then, yes, ego + stimulus (ego inflation). + + KNOWING INFLATED EGO IN YOURSELF AND ON THE INTERNET + ==================================================== + + The sound of ego inflation thus "I am most valid. I will defend + the validity of myself to no end with outside contradictoring voices. I + will show them I am most valid, and, if I can't, then they do not exist + to me any longer and I pity or hate them and praise myself". + + If you have ever played a game, any game, on the internet, then + it is very probable that you have expeirenced an inflated ego for games + to them are like mud to pigs. There objective is not to stimulate their + minds and executing trival, distractive objectives (having fun). It is + to win, to earn merit for their ego. + + In a much more corruptable venue we see their absurd and many + times annoying arguements, essays, and actions. Such as the things + 'DARWIN' pointed out in his critique of the internet (HOE #373). + + Ego inflation directly corrupts and makes one blind to the + outside when all s/he can see is itself. + + "An inflated consciousness is always egocentric and conscious of + nothing but its own existance. It is incapable of learning from the past, + incapable of understanding contemporary events, and incapable of drawing + right conclusions about the future. It is hypnotized by itself and + therefore cannot be argued with. It inevitably dooms itself to + calamities that must strike it dead." + + -- Psycgology and Alchemy (1944). In CW 12. P. 563 + + For more on ego inflation and ego deflation check out this url: + + http://home.earthlink.net/~chalquist/ego.html + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #381 - WRITTEN BY: ISAAC - 12/25/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0382.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0382.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c6fd7c9a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0382.txt @@ -0,0 +1,112 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #382 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "I Thought Ignorance Was Supposed !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: To Be Bliss" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Caitlin 12/25/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + she said "I heard what you said about her." + + I said, "Fuck that. I don't care about her." + + She told me I was a horrible person and that no body trusts me. + + Yeah, well, the only two people that actually care about her + somewhat don't trust me. That's because I don't like them. they're + both similiar... hating life...... CONVINCED! the whole world is + against them. + + I just wrote it off... who cares. + + BUT I REALLY DO CARE! DAMNIT! I'm so sick and tired of every + little annoying cunt thinking I care about them enough to actually talk + about them. I mean... if someone is a psychotic bitch... I'll tell + them, and I'll tell other people. But Jesus Christ, why can't they let + things go. I really don't want to be like them, so this is hard for me + to talk about, but WHY?! + + Would you get offended if people that you didn't like anyway said + they didn't like you for ? Would you + waste the emotional effort to hate someone because they don't like you? + + I don't really understand it. Maybe the hating is normal... but + why the constant dwelling on it? I don't like being sad... but they + can't seem to like it any other way. Hell... if it's sunny out.. they + lock themselves in the house to cry. If it's raining... they'll walk in + the rain and complain about the lack of sun. Why the FUCK can't they + come away from that shit... maybe that's why they're on about every + anti-depressent available.. + + Okay... end of the introductory rant. Here's the start of my + story.... + + I. Allison + ========== + + I met her a month after I became great friends with her older + sister, Annie. I knew from the first sniff of her she was trouble. + + After 3 days of hanging out she decided she hated me. I, + worried, just ignored her, tried not to be around her... you know.. the + usual. She came up to me, and started trouble! So we made up, I don't + remember why. And from that point on... every week she found another + fucking reason to be mad at me. Little ones... usually resulting from + little selfish things I did to keep myself happy... nonetheless, little. + Nothing harmful to anyone... but anyways... + + The only reason I ever was nice to her, repeadately was to make + it easy, 'cause I didn't care about her, and to make things easier for + her sister. + + I've determined... Allison is the epitome of ignorance, and all + that good stuff that makes me not want to talk about her. + + II. Sarah + ========= + + I fell in love with Sarah's simplicity the first time I saw her. + Straight blonde hair, empty blue eyes, khakis, and a black tight shirt. + I met her at a church (long story) and from then on we were close. We + gradually grew closer and closer until I (subconciously) released how + ignorant she was (I acknowledged it later on..) and in that ignorance I + found some comfort. I wanted her... bad. Everything I did, in + someway was to make her happy. She was my submissive, little, straight + girl... that even though she held my hand wherever we went... out of + fear... I could never, ever have her. There were times it looked + hopeful... + + I remember talking to her on the phone one day, we were dating + brothers at the time... and she asked me if when we broke up with them + one day, if her and I could "go out" whatever that meant to her... who + knows. + + She was always looking at some way to cling to me, closer then + she already was. It gradually started with the holding of hands, moving + to that point where she would kiss me, flirt, little girl like... it was + weird. That's all I can say... + + I eventually acknowledged her ignorance. I quit calling her. I + quit hanging out with her. I even ignored her calls when I saw then on + my caller ID. I grew to hate, despise, abhor everything about her. In + good reason, too. Once school started I pretended things were normal + for simplicities sake. She wasn't worth my time anymore. + + III. and + ======== + + Sarah's nice to my face. Allison isn't. + + Sarah hates me. Allison does, too. + + Sarah tells others not to trust me. + + As does Allison. + + And I don't give two shits either way. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #382 - WRITTEN BY: CAITLIN - 12/25/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0383.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0383.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..dcf999af --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0383.txt @@ -0,0 +1,95 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #383 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Microsoft, Clinton, and Mogel's Balls" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Vyrus !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/25/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + This file is for Mogel because he always pestered me to write + a h0e. But I never did. But today he didn't pester me so I'm going to + write one just to spite him. + + It's going to be worthless and pointless, so hate me if you will, + but don't hate my good looks. + + Microsoft sucks balls. I work as a web developer using (barf) + Microsoft technology, and I really have to say that Microsoft sucks + balls. Big balls. Big hairy juicy nuts with crusty cheese dripping off + the sides. + + But enough about Mogel's balls. + + Did I mention that this file is going to be truely worthless and + pathetic? No? Well it is. + + Alanis Morisette sucks, too. + + Okay, wait, this isn't going to be one of those "everything + sucks" files anymore. + + How about my son? + + My baby boy was born on 12/5/98! I'm so happy and proud. He is + the epitomy of babies. Eating, sleeping, shitting, and looking around + curiously. He's cute though, so I'm not TOO disappointed. + + His mom is happy... and she sits home all day and plays with him + and smells his ass when he shits. I work 9 1/2 hour days to support + the three of us. I'm 19. That fucking sucks. + + Oops. There's that "sucks" word again. + + Bill Gates is a pud. I want all his money. I want to take him + and scream "fUcK j00 b1lL y0U d1rTy th31v1nG bL0aT3d k0d3 pr0d00c1ng As$ + Wh0r3 3y3 h4t3 j00r fUcK1Ng s0fTW4r3 LINUX R00LZ MAN." + + But I'm too elite for that. Hence, my elitespeak. + + "I'm too sexy for my cat..." + + What the fuck does THAT mean? I'm too sexy for my cat? Is that + some kind of slut ass whore thing like Bill Gates? + + Ah, who cares. Bill Gates is a whore and so is his cat. + + Bill Clinton's cat is a whore, too. I hear Socks and Gates' cat + do the funky chicken (funky kitten?) every night, even though they're + 3000 miles apart. + + And Clinton wonders why Chelsea is so ugly... + + IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S THE ILLEGIMATE CHILD OF MONICA LEWINSKY!@#@! + They look alike! Can't you tell? Hillary's just stupid and thought + when she was really fat, she was pregnent... then that nasty blob that + shot out of her snatch killed their first cat, Shoes. + + And so Monica dropped Chelsea on their doorstep so that Hillary + wouldn't feel bad... + + But since they were both inhaling at the time, Hillary didn't + realize that the thing she shit out wasn't a kid, and when she + stumbled outside to vomit, she tripped over Monica's/Bill's baby and + assumed she dragged it along by the umbilical cord. Hence, Chelsea's + ugly looks. + + That's MY explanation, anyway... + + I also think China is in cohorts with Iraq. + + BLOW THEM BOTH UP!@!@# FUCKING DIE DIRTY SAND NIGGER GOOKS@!#!@ + + (no offense to sand niggers and gooks who may reside in the + United States.) + + Anyway. Spam. Merf. uNF. poot. + + The End. + + or something... + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #383 - WRITTEN BY: VYRUS - 12/25/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0384.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0384.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..57b1f9bd --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0384.txt @@ -0,0 +1,104 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #384 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "That Time I Tried to Conquer !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: The World or Something" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> LilNilHil 12/25/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Day 1 + ===== + + Today I was watchin C-SPAN, and it got me thinkin, about how + slow and idiotic our government can be. About how often someone is + shot in this country, and basically how democracy just doesn't fucking + work at all. So I decided, hell I can do a better job. I've still got + some of that young rebellion blood in me, I've seen 'Braveheart' and + dammit, I know how ta make napalm. + + So I sent out a mass e-mail to all the hackers, freex, + militants, and fug-ups I could think of. An S.O.S. to stop oppresive + shit, a call to arms if you will. I've even got a name for this + online-army. + + The R.S.R. The Red Star Rebellion. + + The 'Red' stands for unity. Sort of like the blood of the + people... or something. And the star is becuz federal agents usually + wear vests, so, like the air-force, we aim high... er... waitaminute... + + Anyway I got to talkin about all of this with a friend of mine, + and she asked me what my plan was. I told her I would start the + revolution on the internet, and exploit technology to render the U.S. + forces defenseless. For example, by hacking into U.S. satellites, we + will make it impossible for the U.S. to retaliate with their nuclear + arsen--Okay, dammit... so I don't have a plan. And I'm just kinda + wingin' this whole conquer the world thing as I go along. + + Bugger off. + + Day 2 + ===== + + Minimal response from my radical brethren. But the few who have + come forward seem really enthusiastic. Of course, I had to bribe half + of them with free warez and money. Nevertheless, I am beginning to + build a tightly knit regime, ready to stage a bloody coup at my very + command. + + Also, I noticed something odd today. I think I may be + developing some sort of god-complex... Hmm, this must be how Napolean + felt. + + Day 3 + ===== + + Today I went out an got some stuff on Caeser, and that movie + 'The Wave', so I can try and figure out brainwashing. I also bought a + copy of 'The Art of War' and a few things by Machiavelli. + + On another note, today my head of espionage uncovered a few spies + in our ranks. Luckily he had them eliminated before any damage was + done. Also, today I asked a friend if she would like to head our + propaganda department. Her response; + + "Gee, can't I just shoot people?" + + Day 4 + ===== + + The troops seem restless, and many good men are missing in + action or a.w.o.l. Today someone wanted to know what the politics of + the new world order would be. I thought about this for awhile. And I + think a democratic attitude might work. With of course a socialist + underbelly, and just a hint of fascis-Alright fine. I dunno what the + hell I'm talkin about here either. + + Day 5 + ===== + + Morale is low, the enemy appears to be taking its toll on the + troops. Today I tried changing the name to "The Red Star Alliance". I + got several small hacker groups to allie with us in hopes that in using + this system I would take some of the burden of actually having to do + something off of my troops. We'll see how that turns out. + + Day 6 + ===== + + Alas, all of my efforts are in vain. + + Group interest is now all but non-existent, and I am beginning + to question my very sanity for taking on this mass of stupidity in the + first place. + + Day 7 + ===== + + Bah, fug it. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #384 - WRITTEN BY: LILNILHIL - 12/25/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0385.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0385.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..78b3eea8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0385.txt @@ -0,0 +1,416 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #385 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Macking" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mogel !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/25/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + This file is about getting girls. It's strong enough for a man, + but intended for a woman. If you are a male, please stop reading this + file right now. I mean it. Go to the next file. + + Okay, now that there's only women here, I can continue. + Originally I was going to make this yet another "Mogel-sarcastic-how-to" + article. That would've been an easy cop-out, but I thought I'd interject + my own personal feelings on the subject instead. Writing a silly t-file + is one thing, but the massive number of people that seriously use the + techniques that I will describe in this file is remarkably high, and + it's pissing me off to no end. + + I'll get my opinion on the table right now, so that I can + describe these techniques without constant reiteration. "Macking" -- the + art of getting girls interested in you (often, but not neccesarily, with + sex as the only motivation) -- is incredibly lame. Often it requires + manipulation, cliche, and general stupidity. + + I realize the intention of macking is to get a girl interested + in you... and certainly there's nothing inherently wrong with starting a + conversation with someone that you're attracted to. I'm certainly not + supporting a Christian-like "deny-thyself-pleasure" ethic. + + I hate to sound like Oprah, but honesty is always the best + policy. In an over-simplified sense, there are 3 basic types of + relationships that people have: + + 1. The One-time Fuck + 2. Short-term Relationship + 3. Long-term Relationship + + Most people fall into #2 or #3, of which "macking" serves an even + more absurd purpose -- if a girl is getting to know him for more than + one night, she should appreciate him for who he is, without any tricks + or sneaky lines. Obviously for #1, it is not necessary to have a great + deal of insight into the other person's life. Typical conversation for + this type of interaction will probably be rather superficial and + pointless... however, I will always hold to my philosophy that being + honest is most important. If both people involved in relationship #1 + are truly comfortable with the notion of a "one-shot fuck," then fine. + Nobody gets hurt. However, if a guy is using macking techniques to + LIE -- for the sole purpose of getting someone into bed and then screw + them over, they completely suck. + + Of course, guys like this know that they suck. And they don't + care about the morality involved... if they cared about that, they + wouldn't do it. This is the very reason I chose to direct this file + towards embarrassing and exposing these macks. I'll admit that, + hypothetically, a guy COULD read this text file and use the techniques + to manipulate even MORE girls, but, uh... THIS IS FOR INFORMATIONAL + PURPOSES ONLY! + + A great man once said, "it's not what you know, it's who you + know." That doesn't apply to this text file at all; however, it makes + it's point: people are superficial. Girls, being people, are no + exception. + + You know, I really hate to sound so jaded, but the majority of + girls I've interacted with are basically looking for an "archetype man," + whether they consciously realize it or not. The clever macking male + need only talk to a girl for a few minutes to discover which archetype + she's looking for and then completely exploit it by acting the + archetype. Simple, huh? Yes sir, and boy, and does it ever work! The + following is a list of the most common "macks" I've found. + + My recommendation for guys who are *not* interested in + manipulation is to never seriously use any of these techniques as + "macks." They may work, and I realize my point here might not be as + WaCkY as someone might like, but simply put: when it comes to meeting + girls, nothing is better or more rewarding than getting to know someone + simply by being who you are. + + And as for the girls... I *know* that most of you have been a + sucker for at least a few of these things in your life. + + Anyway, here's the listing: + + The Eye Contact Technique + ========================= + + This is a basic, key ingredient to macking any girl. Actually, + this technique can be used in many more situations than just macking. + Whenever someone is speaking, or you are speaking to someone -- maintain + eye contact with them. + + This might seem very simple and superficial to some guys, but + for some reason, when someone says something while maintaining eye + contact, there is a much higher chance that whatever they say will be + believed, regardless of how sincere it really is. + + The Soul Mate Mack + ================== + + The key to this mack is the guy's quest of finding things he has + in common with a particular girl. This will be easier for some girls + than others. The majority of girls are looking for a guy they can + easily relate to... which is natural. There's two levels to this mack: + the basic, superficial level, and the Advanced Soul Mate Mack. + + The easiest target for this mack are girls that readily label + themselves as being obsessive about anything -- or even better, they + define themselves thoroughly with any one particular subculture or group. + This can extend into music ("I'm a ska girl! I love ska!"), interests ("I + love to snow board!"), personalities ("I love being a bitch!"), or even + all-out social groups ("I am *such* a stoner, dude!"). All that's + required on the basic level is for him to simply connect himself with + all the things that the girl loves. This doesn't always work. + + The advanced level of this mack challenges him to remember all + the things the girl likes (ideally it's more than, like, two) and + sorting out which are the most important. Obviously, that's not *too* + hard. One needs only to compile and organize all the information a + girl gives him about herself, and effectively associate himself with + the majority of those things. Sometimes this works in the most idiotic + ways ("YOU LIKE CATS -- I LIKE CATS! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!!"), + but ideally, it will appear as if you two were MEANT TO MEET AND FALL + IN LOVE! + + Oh, and when in doubt, the guy can simply say "I completely + agree!" to whatever the girl says, but obviously this technique suffers + with repeated use. + + The Pick-Up Line Mack + ===================== + + Surprisingly enough, The Pick-Up Line Mack is one of the least + manipulative macks on this list. It is, however, the most stupid. + It's also used by thousands of idiots in clubs throughout America and + the world. Believe it or not, there's actually a "good" way to use a + pick-up line and a "bad" way to use a pick-up line. The difference + comes in attitude. Someone giving a bad pick-up line will speak as if + to say, "I'm very pathetic and I will not be surprised if you shit in + my mouth." The good way to give a pick-up line, if such a thing were + ever to exist, would be to act "cute". + + The trick here is for him to pretend that he's smart, and that + he's using the pick-up in an intentionally sarcastic manner. Thus, by + going up to someone and saying, "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?" he is + actually *making fun* of people who would really say that! Of course, + at the same time as doing this, he's getting his chance to talk to the + girl in question and testing the waters for a reaction. He might even + get a relatively sarcastic "Sure!" out of it. Isn't making fun of + others for the things you do clever? You bet! + + Of course, if he's using the "cute" style of pick-up lines, + he is often armed with *several* absurd lines so he doesn't end up + sounding like a broken record. Here's a list of some of the more + terrible pick-up lines I've actually heard. Oh, and all of these + obviously start with the words "Hey baby." + + Line #1: Are those space pants you're wearing? 'Cause your butt is + outta this world! + Line #2: That outfit is very becoming on you, and if you wore me, I'd + be coming on you, too. + Line #3: You're so hot, you melted the elastic in my underwear. + Line #4: I've got the F, the C, and the K, now all I need is U! + (Ironically, this can also be used as an insult.) + Line #5: The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and + spread the word. + Line #6: Is that a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can really see + myself in your pants. + Line #7: Hi, my name is _________. Remember it, 'cause you'll be + screaming it later. + + I think this would be a perfect time to remind you that girls + who *do* talk to guys using one of these lines, regardless of how cute + they appear to be, are complete idiots. Thanks a lot. + + The Timid Cuteboy Mack + ====================== + + Basically, this is playing the role of the innocent, romantic + guy with limited hope for love. It revolves around the use of the line, + "But why would a girl like you would fall for a boy like me?" It's + cheesy, cliche, and transparent as hell (unless the guy has a pretty low + self-esteem, in which case he probably wouldn't be the best person for + you to date, quite honestly) -- but for some weird reason, girls who + hear these sacred words can't help but think, "Wow! This guy must + really think fondly of me! There is no possibility he is just saying + that to sleep with me!" + + The Very Stable Mack + ==================== + + "I'm happy being single!" is the refrain of this guy. The point + here is to not scare away the girl by having her think that he's + looking for a long-term relationship and to show that he's perfectly + functional, not needy, and happy being alone. Of course, the majority + of the guys that use this mack are probably the most needy human beings + on the planet. They probably see the girl's role in his world to be + one as picking up his dirty socks and giving him a nightly blow job in + as well as reassuring him *yet again* that she does, in fact, love him + more than anyone else in the known (and unknown) universe for all time. + + The Fed Up Mack + =============== + + This mack lets the girl think that he's ready to make a new, + fresh start in the world of dating! He's ready to invest a lot of + romance into it THIS time! Basically, it focuses on the line, "I'm fed + up with all the terrible relationships! I'm going all out for the + perfect romance this time! I can't wait to prove it to someone!" + + The "Boy Am I Wonderful" Mack + ============================= + + A man bragging at length about himself certainly can and does + work on some girls, but that can also be a big turn off. The safest + method for him to use, ironically enough, is to talk about how well he + treated his ex's. By going into detail about the various wonderful + things he did for her (often financial, if possible), some girls can't + help but think, "That could be me! My last boyfriend only took me to + McDonalds! He must have not cared about me!" -- which could certainly + be true. It would be interesting to note that The Boy Am I Wonderful + Mack inherently breeds exaggeration and lies, since the guy is interested + in impressing you (he's trying to mack, remember!). Incidentally, the + clever user of this technique will *never* refer to his actual *feelings* + for the girls he's been involved with. This would imply that there + might be "others" out there in the world he has felt strongly about... + but even worse, it might imply that he's really not over it yet. + + The Huge Cock Mack + ================== + + This guy brags about his sexual prowess. Of course, it matters + very little if he's *actually* a good lover or not, because once + he's managed to convince a horny girl that he is one... and she's having + sex with him, he's gotten what he wanted anyway. And, incidentally, + she's gotten what she deserves. + + The "Let's Talk About Sex" Mack + =============================== + + An alternate and more common version of the previous mack, this + is especially acceptable in the "I'm discovering myself!" college crowd. + Simply get into an intimate situation with a girl (i.e. alone with her + in her room), and begin talking about sex. This can be done in an + innocent way at first, as to not make his plan so obvious. He will + continue to talk about sex. If both of you end up talking about being + kinky enough, there's actually a chance that you'll both be so horny + that you can't resist doing *something*. This is what he's counting on. + + The Sexual Revolution Mack + ========================== + + Ever-ready to exploit, the user of this mack knows how to + channel his erect penis directly into a girl's confused vagina. + "Yeah, baby, sex is no big deal, yeah. Free love is for + intellectuals." They will often expound on the virtue of free love, + and why society would be better if people *really* could understand + what it was about. + + The "Do I Know You?" Mack + ========================= + + This is a relatively innocent lie that is used to start talking + to a girl. If he sees someone that he finds very cute, he simply asks + them, "Do I know you?" or "You look very familiar for some reason." If + the girl is at all interested in solving the mystery, they will both + end up revealing information about themselves and start talking. + + The Tickle Mack + =============== + + Probably over half of the male population in the world has used + this mostly innocent (but lame) macking technique at some point in + their lives. It's very simple: tickle them. He gets the opportunity + to "touch" girls, hiding behind the false pretense that tickling is + something acceptable for people over the age of 10 to be doing. You'd + be amazed at how many people really do use this mack consistently. + + But even worse is the slightly less used "Play Fighting Mack", + in which he either pretends to wrestle with a girl, or the more common + use of pillow fighting. Yuck. + + The Fatalistic Poetboy Mack + =========================== + + This is similar to The Soul Mate Mack, except the guy will place + more emphasis on the mysterious "synchronisity" of your lives. The words + "it was meant to be!" ever-ready to trickle off his tongue, he'll often + make absurd poetic metaphors about you and him. + + An example: "That purple flair is obviously a representation of + the turbulent passionate undercurrents swirling amidst the straight + lines, beacons of austerity in nineteenth-century marriage." + + WHAT?!@ Most girls giggle these guys off, saying, "Hee-hee! + He makes no sense... he must be a genius!" + + The Pretentious Art Fag Mack + ============================ + + I think we all know some of these. The goal of this mack is to + pretend as if he has some sort of "mysterious special insight" into + not only many famous men of any given field of art, but the very notion + of art itself. Here's the gospel on this mack, according to Squinky: + + "What you want to do is find out what poetry the girl likes, + what artists... and then you start babbling endless shit about them, + But the key is to actually know what you're talking about. THEN, you + say something like, 'You know, it's a real shame how a real artist like + Johnny Rimbaud got adopted by the art fags and made useless.' + + And then you draw a parallel between yourself and the artist -- + as a TRUE REVOLUTIONARY -- someone who combines ART with ACTION. The + real key to this is reading all the poets. because you can't fucking + babble shit about poets you don't know." + + The "Pity Me Please" Mack + ========================= + + This mack is pretty simple, and only works occasionally. + Basically, it consists of a guy rattling on about what a terrible life + he's had... but *especially* in regards to relationships. As if to + silently scream "PITY ME, PLEASE," the user of this mack intends to make + a girl feel as if she has the very special chance to be the very first + "quality girlfriend" he's ever had! He'll be so lucky! + + This mack only works if he is lying about it, though. Guys + who genuinely deserve pity never have the macking skills to get any. + + The Murmur Mystery Mack + ======================= + + Named after the beloved creator of this mack, we're not even + completely sure why or how it works -- however, it is ABSURDLY easy to + emulate. He simply needs to act incredibly detached in the majority + of social situations, only interjecting "random and wacky" comments. + Sometimes these comments will extend into actions, and he'll find + himself required to leap into a mound of bird shit and feathers... just + so people will say "Isn't he weird and wacky?!" + + I know it sounds like this wouldn't work, but for some mysterious + reason, it does. Some speculate that the detached nature and randomness + serve as a "enigma." Girls are forced to ask, "is he really this + retarded ALL THE TIME? There must be more to him than just this!" and + proceed to discover that, in fact, there is not. But he gets some + action in the meantime. + + The Antisocial Computerboy Mack + =============================== + + I'll admit that even I've used this mack, much to my shame. + Since e-mail can be easier at times than dealing with someone + face-to-face (especially in regards to macking, expressing feelings, + etc.), the Antisocial Computerboy can often write long, emotional + letters to the girl in question -- often ones which force some sort of + reaction out of her. + + E-mailing people can certainly also be used as a means to get to + know someone better who we don't normally see in real life, but in the + case of macking, it's unfortunately used more often as a security + blanket because the guy is actually too much of a wimp to deal with + real life. + + Macking Girls with Boyfriends + ============================= + + Macking a girl with a boyfriend is pretty simple. They talk shit + about him. I know that sounds mean and cruel, but there's really no + other effective way to do it. This granted, the more clever guy who + macks girls with boyfriends often does this in more "subtle" ways. + Often after talking with a girl, he will ask "innocent" questions + regarding their relationship... including what they do, how they act, + and so on. + + It's inevidable that the girl will leak information regarding + things she doesn't like about her significant other. This information, + of course, is solid gold for the macker. He will begin making constant + (subtle or obvious) reference to these little "defects" in the + relationship, talking about how, if he were in that situation, he would + never do that. + + Macking Crazy Girls + =================== + + Macking the infamous "crazy girl" is quite similar to all the + macks above, but can be more accurately described as The "Find Out The + Girl's Particular Psychological Disorder and Fill The Role She Thinks + Will Actually Help Her" Mack. This is going to take some practice, and + generally the guys that use it are either incredibly hard up for dates + or incredibly fucked up themselves. The most dangerous part of this + mack, however, is that if he does a good job with it, the girl will + REALLY BELIEVE HE IS THAT PERSON. Because they're CRAZY. + + However, the most effective mack I have seen for Crazy Girls is + the ever-ironic Misogyny Mack. A guy need only insult the girl a lot. + This inherently would sound like great fun to some guys; but wait, + there's more! As long as he continues to blatantly insult this girl for + no clear, personal reason... nine out of ten girls will continue to talk + to him! And quite often, it's not because they're trying to ignore him; + it's because they want to win him over! + + I know, I know. It sounds impossible, right? It's true. Once a + Crazy Girl finds out that a guy is "an asshole", she will try to get + into a relationship with him. The Crazy Girl always wants to be + 'the one' to save him -- and if she does get into a relationship with + him, she will feel special because she is the one girl out of all girls + in the world that he hates... who he likes! + + Ahh, irony. You mock us so. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #385 - WRITTEN BY: Mogel - 12/25/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0386.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0386.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..961a7fd5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0386.txt @@ -0,0 +1,93 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #386 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "This History of Capitalism" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Ashtray Heart !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/28/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Capitalism is an economic system. Although some people claim + it's a moral system. However, Pink Floyd spoke wisely when they said + this about them: + + "Bullshit."* + + Anyway, Capitalism was founded in 1776 by Adam Weishaupt when + his hand turned invisible due to exposure to radiation from the Van + Allen Belt. He then had a revelation that the world would be a lot + better off if it had more car commercials. + + Some people think Capitalism is a bad thing. They're all a bunch + of commies, and they ought to be taken out back and shot. Without + capitalism, we wouldn't have the "Wacky Wall Walker", for which of + course the Internet has now been named, which is why so many Internet + addresses start with "http://www". The http part I can't tell you + because it's a classified CIA state secret that only John Grubor knows + the true answers to. Anyway, in Communist Russia they didn't have + economic freedom, which is why they had to all eat borscht and if they + complained the KGBeast would come by and read John Lennon lyrics to you + until Batman came by and beat him up because he thought the Ramones + were way cooler. And that's why Russia is no longer communist. Now + that Russia is a free nation they get to be controlled by the Mafia + just like the rest of us instead of some big ol' nasty intellectual + liberals. + + There's two kinds of capitalism, conservative capitalism and + liberal capitalism. Conservative capitalism doesn't like abortion and + liberal capitalism doesn't either but doesn't want to outlaw it. + Liberal capitalism was founded by John Maynard Keyes, who is Alan Keyes' + uncle, despite the fact that "John Maynard Keyes" is just an alias for + "Gibby Haynes", who is the guy who founded all the underwear factories. + Anyway, he realized that conservatives like Adam Weishaupt didn't want + to wear underwear because they thought it was a blasphemy against God + and anyway their dicks were just as invisible as their hands, so he + founded LIBERALISM so that FDR could get more supreme court justices, + but the supreme court said that that was unconstitutional because + fifteen is the Number of the Beast minus 651, which of course is the + penal code number for frottage, and anyway Roosevelt only played with + poo-poo heads. So then the gobment made everybody buy underwear, and + if they didn't they bought the underwear themselves and gave it to + their girlfriends. + + So this was all well and good for a while, but then Ronald + Grayface Reagan, whose name is an anagram of "Adolf Hitler", as Lou told + me last night, got into office, and whenever he got on airplanes the + stewardesses were all wearing underwear so it was no fun to look up + their dresses, and this made him mad so he fired all the air traffic + controllers, and everybody who was making underwear had to start making + IZOD shirts or nucular bombs to sell to the military, because by this + time the followers of Adam Weishaupt had decided that the government + buying stuff was OK as long as it was bombers and cocaine and stuff. + + At about this time, everybody started getting pissed off at the + "New World Order", but it's a big SECRET so nobody seems to know exactly + what it is. As far as I can tell, it all started when Hulk Hogan, + who is secretly CANADIAN along with Geddy Lee, started thinking that + American underwear was no good, and we had to start buying CANADIAN + underwear. This made everybody scared because everybody knows there's + a giant sucking sound out there somewhere, and everybody thought + that underwear that wasn't American would get all stuck in their crotch + and give them wedgies. And as if that weren't bad enough, back after + World War II President Truman founded the UN to give out halloween candy + to kids, which seems innocent enough, but now instead of the U.S. + government paying for the nucular weapons, OTHER countries wanted to + pay for our weapons, which in and of itself is OK, because we have junk + sales every few years where we sell our old weapons to other countries + and watch them try to attack us with them, and then laugh as we take our + big shiny NEW WEAPONS like the "Frottage Detector" and kick their butt + with them. But this is different because the UN wants BLACK + HELICOPTERS, and Jesse Helms doesn't like this because he doesn't like + anything black; if they're going to get helicopters they have to be RED + WHITE AND BLUE. Anyway, the only way to stop this is by STRICT + ADHERENCE TO THE BIBLE, especially the lines about fist-fucking.** + + Endnotes: + + * -- Pink Floyd, "Money", _Dark Side of the Moon_, 1973. + ** -- God, "The Song of Solomon", 5:3-7, _The Bible_, 4412 B.C. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #386, WRITTEN BY ASHTRAY HEART, 12/28/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0387.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0387.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fd4daaf4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0387.txt @@ -0,0 +1,102 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #387 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "A Goat Named Abel" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Kreid !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/28/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + hello. kreid here. this is a story i wrote several years ago. + it's one of the first short stories i wrote, just after i decided to try + to take my writing seriously. mogel found it and i told him to put it + in hoe. it's not a bad story, i think. but... whatever. enjoy it. + + --(not likely)------------------------------------------------------------ + + once, in a not-too-distant past, there was a goat named abel. + abel was a decent goat, he respected his elders; but he had his sins. + mostly sins of the mind, of course, abel kept to himself... but his + thoughts were bad. his thoughts were dangerous. + + abel questioned god. how does god feel about the modern goat, + with all this medicine and technology? why are we worshipping a concept + invented by ancient man-- a society that knew nothing about their own + environment?! abel didn't know whether to feel proud or guilty for all + his insight. did other goats think like me? am i going to hell for + these thoughts? + + abel just didn't know. sometimes he didn't even care, with all + the pressure his free will gave him. "you know," thought abel one day, + "most goats probably think like me. i'm not all that wise. i shouldn't + feel guilty for thoughts that come naturally too me. fuck this." and + with that, abel gave up his fear of god. "fuck god. fuck everything." + abel's mind was made up. no more believing ridiculous lies. if + something sounded awkward, he would QUESTION it. + + abel's life went uphill from there. he no longer thought he was + smarter than everyone else... and he socialized with the other goats, he + conversed with them intelligently. he spent his life as a young adult + collecting knowledge, and the town's goats loved him. life was good. + + as he reached middle age, he became a teacher. he took in some + younger goats as students, and made them wise. he taught the goats to + think. but the older goats didn't like this thinking business. abel + was becoming a bad influence to the youth of his town, and the + government wouldn't stand for it. abel's dangerous wisdom had come + back, and he was in trouble. + + on abel's 60th birthday, he went to the legendary tin can oracle + on mount spoon. after a few minutes of waiting, the can greeted him. + + "who goes there?" asked the can. + + "it is i, abel the goat." + + "what question shall you ask me, abel?" + + "i wish to know who the wisest goat on earth is." + + "THERE IS NONE WISER THAN ABEL!" the can boomed. + + abel was shocked. was he really the wisest goat on earth? he + did not think of himself as wise at all. "no," he thought, "this + cannot be true. the oracle is mistaken." + + so abel searched the land, to solve this riddle. "there must be + someone who is wiser than i," thought abel, "and i will find him." but + abel could not find a single wise goat in all his searching. he went to + many prophets and politicians who thought they were quite wise, but the + perceptive abel disproved their wisdom. as abel found, the ones that + thought they were most wise turned out to be most dense. + + with that thought, abel realized the truth of the oracle. "if i + am the wisest goat on earth," he thought, "then wisdom must be the + realization that no one is wise in comparison to god." he paused for + a moment. "yes. that must be the answer." + + so abel was an enlightened goat. he was finally at peace with + himself and his wisdom. and he taught more, but not for long. during + his searching he had humiliated many politicians and powerful goats. + the people were jealous of abel's wisdom. and that was his downfall. + + he was tried a week later and sentenced to death for corrupting + the town's youth. when asked to suggest an alternate sentence, he + chuckled and said, "i propose a fee of one penny." the crowd of goats + booed, and he was bound in chains for the rest of the day. when a young + goat snuck up to him that night and offered for him to escape, he + rejected the offer. "by living in this town, i agreed to live by its + laws," said abel, "trying to evade its law would be wrong. i would be a + hypocrite for doing so." a tear was shed and the young goat waved + goodbye to abel. + + the next morning, he was approached with a goblet full of poison + and told to take a sip and then leave town to die. abel smiled, drank + deeply, and walked out the town gate into the burning desert. his body + was found the next morning, ten miles from the town, dead... with not a + trace of sorrow on his withered face. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #387 - WRITTEN BY: KREID - 12/28/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0388.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0388.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4f16d373 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0388.txt @@ -0,0 +1,90 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #388 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "True Story" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Isaac !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/28/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + There was this person that lived by this river. And, it would go + down by this river to go deep into thought. The place was beautiful, + all perfect and everything, and this person had alot of little animal + friends that would come to him. + + One day, the sky was kind of cloudy, foggy, and misty. The + person still went down to the river for their daily thinking time and + it was very beautiful outside but everything was so very still. Then, + all of a sudden on the other side of the river there was a bit of a + rustling noise and it startled this person. They took out some + binoculars and looked across the river and they couldn't quite make + out what it was. The rustling noise soon stopped, so the person went + on with their thoughts and went upon their day. + + The next day, the person went back, of course, and the weather + was the same, and again, at the same time, there was that damn rustling + noise, but twice the length and volume and this really struck this + person's curiousity. All the person could make out this time was some + animal looking thing well this continued for the next days, increasing + in volume and length each day. Also, the person noticed all it's animal + friends had started to disappear and finally one day, this person was + able to make out a brown fuzzy spot, from all the rustling and so the + next day, the person had to see what it was. So, when the rustling + started, it took off it's shoes, rolled up it's pants, and wadded across + the river and when it got to the other side it saw these little monkeys + all mating like mad! + + This surprized the person, as well as the monkeys, and the + monkeys stopped and looked at this person. There was at least a hundred + tiny blue monkeys. Then, one monkey stepped out of the crowd of monkeys + and said "!##XSDFKWEI# AKSDI#SF*@#SND" and this person, being the + genius, was able to translate this, which was "are you a monkey too?" + and the person responded "ASDLKS @#%)(SD" ("no no, well yes") and the + person started to go about how man came from monkeys and so on. The + monkeys, having no clue that the man was not a monkey, started to mate + with the person, and the person, being terrified, started to run. It + just ran into the river, followed by the monkeys, some hanging onto it, + faundling and humping all the way. By the time the person got home, it + had gotten all the horny monkeys off of itself. + + The person wasn't going to let the damn monkeys get in the way of + its daily meditation. So, the person returned to this river the next + day and by now the rustling noises were so loud, it was unbarable. The + person decided they would go back over the river, and beg the monkeys + to go away or something. So the person, again, wadded arcross the river + and the monkeys, of course, were still going at it, and now there were + even more, and the person said. "sdlkjsdflk ASDOIFSDM@#ASDLKFJ#Q(SFJSDFN + Sdfksdflkjsd sfmnsdlkuf" ("I'd like to know where you came from, and why + you are mating like mad, and why are you here?") and again, a monkey + stepped out of the crowd, but this monkey was much larger, red instead + of blue, and it had a huge bright pink penis and enormous testicles and + said "ASLKJD@#R*)SDF lksdjflksd QR*OYS*VYXVJDSDFJLKS ,jljlkfsjdfoi23klmf + lksj23WFIOSF*Y@#Nn sdf lkj sd l..." ("we are the next generation of + living species, you yourself said that man came from monkeys, well, man + is about to die off soon, so we must mate like mad, to develope a large + enough generation of monkeys, so that they can live on to devolope back + into humans, and by that time, all the existing humans will be gone"). + + The man just stared at the monkey in awe and the large red monkey + goes on..."you see, monkeys have always had the control over everything. + We are what humans call god., except they think it's just some man who + lives up in the clouds, but all along monkeys have been the real god. + We control everything. We decide what the next generatoin of humans + will be. Right now we are devoloping a hornier geration of monkeys, + they will over populate, and then die off sooner, so we get to fuck + more, and create more generations" The person just stood there and then + the large red monkey said "well, if you are going to just stand there, + than we will go on, may we use you?" + + So, from then on, after person had gone mentally insane, the + monkeys used it as a sex slave and the person was granted immortality + by the monkey gods. When the generation of horny monkeys devoloped + into actual people, well, just look around you, we are them. + + To this day, no one knows what happened to all its little animal + friends. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #388 - WRITTEN BY: ISAAC - 12/28/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0389.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0389.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..75710380 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0389.txt @@ -0,0 +1,68 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #389 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Electrifying Discoveries On Alcohol" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Anjee !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/28/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + "You can get the same effect that you get from sticking your + tongue in a plug than you do when you drink 50% alcohol." + + "Great, I feel like shoving my tongue in a plug now." + + I can't help it, but I really do. The world practically revolves + around sex and alcohol, and alcohol isn't something I can easily provide + for myself, nor am I capable of tolerating the awful taste it leaves in + my mouth after taking that dreaded shooter glass and even worse -- the + next morning. It all seems like the perfect solution for my case, but + are the after effects as bad as when you drink liquor? If I so + violently ram my tongue into the plug in the wall on a regular basis, + will my liver deteriorate after a while? I believe scientists should + conduct a few tests on this, and besides, I think it would look + incredibly cool to see a few men and women in white coats crouched in + front of the wall, ready to send electricity waves throughout their + bodies. + + So, my dad's friend does in fact have some kind of expertise + when it comes to alcohol, but I don't know if he actually tried it. I + forgot to ask him, I suppose. The conversation itself didn't last all + that long, as I quickly turned to ranting and raving about the book my + father had bought me and showing him my sister's talking Elmo. + Discarding questions such as "does it, too, make you walk all weird, + feel dizzy and type all nutty on IRC?". I felt that he would get fed + up if I dwelled on the subject and pursued my smartassed comments and + questions about a topic he obviously brought up to last for only a few + seconds and hopefully extract a few laughs and giggles from it. And + besides, I don't believe he has any clue what IRC is. + + I also begun to wonder if Albert Einstein was researching on + this subject, for obvious reasons. It all seems too coincidental since + he was a smart dude and alcohol is not the way to come to accurate and + precise solutions for whatever he would work on. I think it's his + hair that gives it away though. So, possibilities are that he has + researched on it, however, has refused to discuss and share his new + discoveries with the world. A breakthrough such as this would more + than likely change how bars and clubs, and corner stores and strip + joints and alcohol stores operated - they may even end up going out + of business. Houses would be filled with plugs, which would be + extremely harmful for babies and toddlers, and other things along + those lines. + + So all this newfound information has left me curious about it + all, I am that kind of person. Maybe sticking your tongue in a plug is + indeed the closest thing to downing a few shooters of 50% alcohol, but + I feel my questions will forever remain unanswered and ignored. Although, + if you ever end up testing this, please inform me! I am eager to get some + answers! In addition, I feel pressured to add that I am not responsible + for any deaths or handicaps that come as a result to reading this + t-file. I feel like I am getting extremely repetitive, so I will now + disappear for the sake of your mental and physical well-being. + + uh, *BZZZZT*... YAY!#%$ + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #389 - WRITTEN BY: ANJEE - 12/28/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0390.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0390.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..94c2ad16 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0390.txt @@ -0,0 +1,46 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #390 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Is it Normal or Ugly?" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Daisy !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/28/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Do you ever look at someone and think to yourself, "What the + hell did you do in your past life that you had to be punished enough to + have to look like that the rest of your life?" I don't know, that's + just something my boyfriend has a tendency to say a lot. So I got to + thinking, are people really ugly or are they just, let me say... + different? I mean, I once learned in my high school psych class that + if you want a good conversation topic, state the question... "What is + normal?" So that's where I will begin, "What's normal?" + + In my mind, normal is exactly what you perceive of it. You may + feel you are normal, but look at the person sitting next to you on the + South Shore and say, "Damn! What the hell are you?" That is something + I never do. Because I know that others look at me and probably say the + same things and I have no control over it. But then there are those + who dress like major craziness, and I kinda think it might be for + attention, because who would try really really hard or make her skin + and hands super powdery pale, dye her hair silver, wear all black, and + put silver Band-Aids on her black Docs in which she wears with a short + black skirt? I don't think it is only a fashion statement, though, but + I feel it isn't ugly or abnormal, either. It's her, and I get the + impression that she likes to portray herself as an attention-lover, but + who cares? Let her be her, as I will be I, and you will be you. That's + why this world is going on a downward spiral to hell, because so many + people are fucking closed-minded and stubborn to this world. + + So I got off the subject of ugly people. I guess that might be + a good thing... wouldn't want to offend anyone, you know? They preach + about how this is wrong and that is wrong, but don't turn around and + look in a mirror. They ridicule those who are different, but don't see + the trueness and wonderfulness that one holds. I don't know, maybe I'm + rambling, but at least I can say I'm open to thoughts and I would like + to expect the same from others, but like that'll happen!! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #390 - WRITTEN BY: DAISY - 12/28/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0391.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0391.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..dff717ac --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0391.txt @@ -0,0 +1,114 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #391 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "plaZa auTomatIon" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Trilobyte !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/28/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Where's the pooty-tat? Where's the pooty-tat? Where's the + pooty-tat? I taught I taw a pooty-tat. Oh, it's inside my phone. + C'mere, phone. You're a good phone, you've never done me wrong. For + as long as I've had you, which has only been so long, you've been good + to me and haven't let me down. The phone company pours electricity + through the phone lines. If I put you underwater in a big bathtub and + you were next to my head, would I get electrocuted? I love, love, love + you, phone! I love you. + + I love other things; I love the stars at night and I love + sticking my tongue to tasty things and I like to beat you, phone, beat + you into metal walls. + + We used to have more metal walls around here, me and Metra, but + see, they were lead-based, and when we gave birth to you we were afraid + you might lick them and get sick. After all, we coated them with rabbit + feces. I like to return books to the library because I feel like I have + a purpose. When I return them on time, I feel like a good kid, and I + know the librarians respect me. Think of how many important books may + have been lost from important libraries because some dingbat checked + them out and never returned them. There shouldn't be a swinging door + for those sorts of people. It should just go one way. A one-way road + into a room full of punishment, where all they can do is lick things all + day. They can lick themselves until their skin goes raw or they can lick + the walls and get sick of lead poisoning, like mom -- good 'ol mom, + baking her iron-supplemented chocolate cookies. My friends would always + have christmas cookies with fake sugar-coated metallic balls on them. + Their moms made them. Well, my lovely mother (I love the woman!) she put + real ball bearings on them thinking that we could eat them all and we all + got sick and shit out ball bearings. When I get bad intestinal gas, I + can bend over and my ass is like a Daisy BB gun. Look out Martha Stewart. + + I could cook culinary delights for french stalwarts of Egyptian + theatre. The tops of the pyramids are not comfortable to sit on, for + members of either sex. Sure, the pointy top of the pyramids have all + worn away over the years, but still, you're awfully high up and it is an + uncomfortable climb and I used to be buried in one of those pyramid + things but then I got out because the light shone on me in just the + correct way. god loves me, because god loves everyone (even you) and I + am part of everyone (and so are you). Where's my phone? + + I have to go downstairs and use the payphone. + + Hold on. + + + + ... + + + + Haha. I went down stairs to use the payphone and realized my + good loving phone was in my hand! What a kind phone, to appear in my + hand right when I need it most. What else could I ask for in a + companion? Now only if the people I talked to on the phone were + actually decent people worthy of spending my time with me. I should + stop spending my time and start selling it. + + But then cheap ass bastards like Smoki would never come round no + more. He liked the smorgasbord in Madison, WI when we went up there to + have his fur removed. He was a nice creature until his fur got all + chopped off and you could see his skin and it was so bad. I think he + was part dove, horse, and sea anemone. I could be wrong. + + It's time for my daily calculus exercise. I like to look + literate when I write these, you know. I feel like I'm touching a + woman's skin as I type this to you. The keyboard feels like a woman's + skin. Womens' skin is good. Women are good. I like Women. + + Calculus. Woman. Calc -- I will go dress up, I say, and I got + dressed and went outside and HEY I've got boobs now. I always get + violated with them. Between people looking at them and old men groping + them, I never know what to do. + + "when ever you come around i'm a walkin' on shaky ground" + + that's how you make me feel -- you make me want to shake the + ground. I want to go through the throes of personal and fulfulling love + with you, my angel, my poopheart, my fucking blistery fungus. mmm. + + I will melt wax on your stomach and then cut it off with a sharp + knife. + + I will chew on your hair and scalp until your whole head is gooey + with my thick saliva. + + I will squeeze your thigh until my hands have kneaded the fat + enough that it will slink down your leg and come out between your big + toe and its toenail. + + I will pinch your nipple nine times and then subtract 3 so it's + 6. 6 times a lady. Then you're done. + + This time it's for real. Let's party. Put on the hat, it's not + over yet. Strap down. Get a drink. Don't shoot me. Shoot him! Ha ha, + I laugh at your antics for you are a silly person, you do silly things + that often I command you to do because if I didn't tell you silly things + to do you would never do anything silly and that would be boring! It is + advantageous to know every thing you're going to do before you do it. + And it's amazing that you fall for it every time. You are a dumb whore. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #391 - WRITTEN BY: TRILOBYTE - 12/28/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0392.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0392.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a2cb8f24 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0392.txt @@ -0,0 +1,321 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #392 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Drivel" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> LilNilHil !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/28/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Hello. Here's some things I wrote in a mental hospital. You + will enjoy them, oh yes. + + -- We don't care what you think + little man, little boy + You squirmings are useless now + Doesn't matter what you say + how you think, little man + We've got all that you'll need. + Your with us, little man + little boy, little fuck. + Chemically coming, + your sickly becoming + now broken yes beaten + you'll follow along. + Your a dog + in a bag + that is hung + from the gallows + in a dead town + on a gone time + anywhere. + + -- muffle of his pillow + keeps everything beyond the screaming + of the ten year old next door in silence. + it's summer, and florida, + and two sheets, + and two shirts, + but i shiver. + and her eyes still leak. + he pummels the door open + and lets me know it's my turn + that it's only a business + the business of drugs + hope in pill form. + i walk in, i sit down + i get this, he gives that + there's his money + fucker/fuckee + profit from misery. + my new doctor is my new god + my new doctor is my new love + my new doctor is my new life. + the dangerous + little man. + + -- tick-tocking head + right to wrong to stop to go to running + through the street + crowded with these thoughtless thoughts + from thinking machines. + we combat like drunk philosophers + on the eve of doomsday. + Meant to + Endure + Naked in the gutter + Digging through shit + searching for that savior + and this last desperate clutch + at all the lost time. + when you realize + the madmen were often right. + Meant to + Meant to + ..exactly. + + -- you go for a walk + and you stumble on wherever + looking at the sun + you see it when you close your eyes + but do you think it had once been more + before your birth? + you see them when you open them back up + the rich in their rooms. + and your odd glances at them + seeing if you can permeate money. + + -- You can go your way..and.. i can go my way. + I spotted him in between thoughts one day + we didn't talk, we only looked + just keep staring; we decided + and let's not ruin it by getting to know eachother. + because our love is like anarchy + a utopic paradise, yet + fucked. + we think we thought y'know + but you can never tell + you'll never retain your constant flux + you won't hack this + you'll conform + and recede + and we'll all die + and i'll stare. + write fifty books on it + or shut up and enjoy, + like this. + + -- Soon it will be quiet. + Another night just like every other one + Sneak outside and light up + Everyone is in bed and asleep + Everyone but me is in bed, and asleep + I get a rush of shame, like i might be keeping a few of them up + Like they can hear my door shut and look out the window to see me + Like my existence is detrimental to some yuppies circadian rythm + Like they think i'm different and hate me because of it + Like their rules don't apply to me + It's all quiet out here though. + Everyone's asleep of course. + There's the newspaper guy with the headlights + There's the thoughts of things people have to do when they wake up + There they are all over the world, waiting for morning + There's me on the gutter, all lit up. + No morning. Soon, in the head, i will be quiet. + + -- umbrella + she's like the rain + she stops and falls + she's the silent one in your homeroom + haunting your image as you pass by + her torn up victemless mind + just you, and the mutilated arms + of the girl in your gym class. + Put out her eyes and show her to a field + full of blind men and pits. + They flutter, they stumble, + they fall right in + occaisionally something arrives + to keep her going another week or so + But she's done + shove her in the direction + of whatever's left and bottomless + So that, + like the rain. + She may show you + her swan dive. + + -- i don't like this + When drugs are what we know of love + and pain is all that keeps us from failing + what god is there to save us? + when he himself is sad + when satan bathes in nothing + when happiness is that dim light + at the end of a nonexistent tunnel + what'll god do? + what go will do? + so give 'em drugs, keep them quiet + give them what they ask for to survive + but don't tell us you care + alchohol, the blood of god. + the blood of a coward. + + -- revely for a dead man + no pills + and no sleep + and no advice + and no hate + you can stop calling me, yes + since you've realized that + i'm not what your looking for + since i've realized that i've made + a fool of myself. + why circle? + dive down the plug-hole. + the only way we'll float + is if we die. + I can't tell if it's bad or good + when your finally defeated + supposedly, like most things, + it just is + But where to go from nowhere? + When your at the full-fledged + bottom. + I can't tell + And i wish i didn't have to try + It's such a nice suprise + when you feel your luck + begin to change. + the bottom leveling out + and everyone calling your name. + the whole worlds attention + fully magnified upon you + such a nice little suprise + The enemies see + what they've been missing + and give you thier apologies + Your friends tell you what they really + deep down + think. + Such a beautiful suprise + but then you realize + it was just another dream. + And can't tell if it's a bad or good thing. + no interaction at all. + and no help + and no hope + and no talent + and no angst + and no pity + and nobody. + + -- "I think your problems are very trite." + guiltily home now, i still recollect + i plug in the brain and i reconnect + does it come down to god? + as kids this was all we could remember, + 'nobody said life was supposed to be fair' + and why not + why is that so crazy? + to change things, to be human, + i can not imagine a god who could love + and then hate this + as jen's arteries scream for a hit + there aren't any drugs for this one + a tape instead, + of a guy who tells her to calm down. + as mike tries to hang himself with a shoelace in his bathroom + as the new guy is givin three shots and sent somewhere else + as adam is ripped naked from the shower + she yelps a fuck and streaks down the hallway naked + blood streaming out of her eyes. + as i listen and write + yeah i somehow write, fuck the living + as the ten year old skips out the window + as jeremiah is fooled again + as heather is told 'one more week' for the 5th time + what the hell can i write? + everything's already been said in their heads. + i'm refusing to speak for it. + you do them. i hate this. + + -- easter. + I finally got the cigarettes. So i wouldn't have to off myself. + But the nicotine always hits you wrong after all the hassle. + I walked past the bum, and he gave me his sad-stained look. + Minutes later i realized i was singing as i walked by. + I sit and watch the cars roll away, and think I must be one of you now. + And in the back of my mind, it's easter. + + -- notes from nowhere. + remembering where i am and have been, + as she knocks upon the wall. + As i supposedly get better, + from my sickness, + from it all. + As i plan to plan to think + These thoughts I'm not allowed, + The chemicals, the neurons, + Load your guns and take a bow. + Still she knocks. + As they creep into the mind + And rip me up in shreds. + As they creep into the mind + And rip it up till dead. + As they creep into my mind.. + i wonder if it'll make a sound, + when they finally drive me mad. + If i'll be underground, + or live haphazardly sad. + If the knocking ever ceases + If she drives me into pieces + I wonder if this thing still has a voice. + still i wait. + I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING + WHEN YOU KNOCKED UPON MY + WALL MY LIFE MY SOUL I WAITED + HERE AS YOU SUCCEDED AND + RECEDED AND DEFEATED AS YOU + RAN DOWN GOD WITH A BATTLE + AXE AND FOUR NAILS STILL I + LISTENED AND I WAIT FOR THE WIZARD + OF OZ AND CHARIOTS OF FIRE AND + THE SAINTS TO COME THE FUCK ON + IN I WAIT FOR GOD TO SAY HELLO + I WAIT CUZ IT'S ALL I KNOW I'M + WAITING AND WEARY AND WAVING + AS YOU WALK ALONG HOME + STILL I WAITED HERE STILL I WAITED + HERE STILL I WAITED HERE + WHERE'S THE HOPE IN THIS + + -- life and death + There are ants + on the sidewalk + which you will step on + but they will fall + in between + the rivets + of your boot. + There's a turtle + on the train tracks + stuck in limbo + dead forver + taken by the sun + to spare the train. + Me and the lizard + who thinks my ashes + are dinner. + A puff of smoke + and he runs. + when all the wrong people + love all the wrong people + there's a hope + for somebody + somewhere. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #392 - WRITTEN BY: LILNILHIL - 12/28/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0393.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0393.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cc24142b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0393.txt @@ -0,0 +1,95 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #393 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Let's Be Friends" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Hal08 !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/28/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Chiqz: "Hey, Hal08, can we have your baby?" + Me: "Yeah." + Chiqz: "Wait, nevermind... I'd rather be your friend." + + See, I'm great. I get chicks, well, some what. As soon as I + say that _I like you_ to them, they reply in sheer wittyness: + + "Erik, your really cute, and your really sweet... I dont want to + ruin what we got going on now." + + What's up with that, yoe#!?@!?!@ Goldy the Pimp Daddy would say, + "friends my ass, soon as you pay that thirty yew owe me, slut!@?" But + I'm not Goldy the Pimp Daddy. Or maybe if I was some sort of movie star + I would just explain that she won't be in my next all-star action movie + that was exactly like the last one I made. + + But guess what? + + I'm not that either. + + Would I be some kind of a jerk to say, "let's not start talking + if your just looking for a friend." It's not like I hate having + friends, if you ever was good friends with a girl that you were + extremely attracted to, you may know how I feel. + + Chiqz: "See, isn't it better that we're friends? We never have to break + up, and we don't have to be aukward about things. See, friends + can do much more than a girlfriend can." + Jesus: "You see, if only you rejected sex and praised the lord, this + would be of utter importance! The Lord never rejects!@" + Me: "Er... uhh.. shut up." + Chiqz: "Understand?" + Jesus: "Well, answer the girl!" + + Now, the lord would be great, but I want to have sex. A lot. + "Somewhere out there," as Feivel the mouse said, I guess there's + someone that wants more than a friend. Maybe there just confused like + me. Girls are just so wacky it's repulsive. Or maybe if I looked out + the window and sang like that piece of shit mouse, I'd find love. + What's up with that fucker's hat, anyways? + + "Shut the fuck up, I like my hat!" + + Well, I just turned 16 and I've been so busy working I didn't + even realize it was my birthday till my mother wished me a happy one. + I could say life sucks, but you know it does... you're not stupid. I + know I'm wrong but when your sitting on the job with nothing to do, + your mind wanders. When all you have is time to think, you can't help + but ask yourself questions that have easy answers, but the answers you + have are wrong because you hope they are. As i think, i just use up + the time left to think. + + Game show host: "For 500 dollars, will you go on life seeking a girl + to love you, or even like you for that matter, or + will they all just be your friend?" + + Who am I kidding? I know that I'll find someone someday, but + you gotta look on the bad side of things. Can't sit there all day + thinking about the good side of things! Can't live your life on wishes + is what I always say, but you can live your life on fishes. + + "Stick to veggies, they clean out your system better!" + + I guess that small shimmer of hope is all any one of us has. As + much I thought the Olympics sucked, they have a pretty good concept with + that torch of theres. When it goes on, it signifys the begining. That + first arrow is like your first dream, your first goal. Now when that + flame goes out, so does the game end. If you don't have that hope, I + guess, the game's over. + + "I hope you shut your fucking mouth." + + Okay. + + Chiqz: "One of us is waiting?!@!?@?!" + Me: "Grrr!??@! you probably live in Rhode Island. Rhode Island sucks, + I dont even think it's a fucking island!?@#" + + Newscaster: "Uhh, guess what everyone...? The apocylypse is like now, + so you're all in somewhat of a predicament. Will the + last people on earth please shut out the light?" + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #393 - WRITTEN BY: HAL08 - 12/28/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0394.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0394.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..662208a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0394.txt @@ -0,0 +1,248 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #394 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Phairgirl's Diary" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/28/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + [12-13-93] + + We found out last night that my Aunt Pat got married... last + April! So now I guess I have an Uncle Roy. How weird. + + Luckily, I'm still on good terms with the people from Newspaper. + They don't know about my story yet, though. Maybe I'll go tomorrow and + cover the game, then write the story and give it to Mr. Reiter. I + might. I feel obligated to do it. If I DO get the courage to go, then + I'll rejoin Newspaper at semester probably. Things have been so crazy + at home these last few months, I'm glad I have a break from at least + ONE class. It just depends. It just depends. + + Well, I'm sick of dwelling on Newspaper. Since I'll be looking + back on this in a few years (maybe), I'll list some common everyday + shit. Stamps are 29 cents, bread is around 60 cents a loaf, but you can + find it WAY cheaper. The average car is about $14-15,000. Easy Cheese + in a can is $2.89 on sale. Fuji film is $2.00 on sale (cheap!!). + Videotapes range from $3-$5 a pop. Speaking of pop, it's around 50-60 + cents a can. CDs average $16-18, cheaper at K-Mart and other shit + stores. DAT's are new and aren't common yet. The Newton hand-held + computer and A/V palmcorders are among the newest gadgets. + + Well, since I've completely bored myself to death, I will + digress. Here are a few of my favorite things (I know, it's corny). I + like Dream Theater, Extreme, Lillian Axe, Collision, Babes In Toyland, + White Zombie, Anthrax, Megadeth, Metallica, Sepultura, Ozzy, KISS, + AC/DC, Fight, Cathedral, Pariah, whatever. I like to watch the + Simpsons, Real World II reruns, Headbanger's Ball, 90210, Fresh Prince, + Herman's Head, and SNL reruns. I could live on Comedy Central and MTV. + I can't STAND Whiney Houston, Mariah Carey, Walli Collins, Full House, + Wrestling (which Travis is OBSESSED with), Football, School Spirit, + country music, my brother at times, and chores. But I absolutely LOVE + my cat Taylor and Jamie's cat Ami. I don't have a boyfriend and guess + what? I DON'T CARE! I have few friends because I told most of them off + last year. I think I'm manic depressive but I'm probably just a + hypochondriac. Or a pyromaniac. Or a kleptomaniac. + + Whatever. Anyway, I just wanted that stuff to be imbedded + forever. It's nice to be able to write whatever the hell I want and + not have to worry about the rest of the world picking it apart. I can + wander from subject to subject, use inside jokes, make up a secret + language, whatever. No one will ever know! Ha ha! Alright, so I'm + getting slightly carried away. I don't care. + + Oh, I forgot to write about the pipe bomb Harley Bush set off in + the Welding room Friday. Mark Reigler said the blast was huge and + really, really loud. I guess I believe it. That's right up Harley's + alley. + + Wow! I really DO have diarrhea mouth. Or diarrhea HAND. (So I + can't spell diarrhea. Sue me.) (There. I fixed it. Fuck you.) + + [25-12-93] + + Well, today was SO boring. We went to Grandma Shirley's. + Nobody else came until a split second before we left! We all got a + shirt and $20. We also watched Straight Talk on Showtime. It was + pretty cheesy. Now I'm watching Headbanger's Ball, I have diarrhea + (REAL diarrhea), and my appetite is nil. + + Well, tomorrow we're taking down all the xmas decorations. + Monday, we're going to SherRee's and Mike's for a WWF Pay-Per-View. + Pure chewing enjoyment. But for now I will enjoy my metal. I bid adieu + or whatever the hell it is. + + [3-1-94] + + Hell, this year is off to a boring start. My nose is runny, my + throat is pretty good, but I'm bored as hell. I did my 3 assignments + in history. We have this bitchy sub who won't let us do anything but + Section 2. Well, excuse me, missy, I already DID Section 2. In your + face. So instead I'm writing in my journal. Thrill. + + What's been going on lately? I just don't know. I've just been + going through the motions. I didn't have any make-up work from when I + was sick before vacation. + + Everyone's been bitching that there shouldn't have been school + today, or at least a delay. It snowed a good 3-4 inches yesterday and + last night, but our resident blonde-wanna-be Superintendant Diana Lam + didn't do anything. I hope when she goes in for review this year she + gets booted out. She's messed up everything. + + I was thinking of writing a letter to the Newspaper staff + because they omitted my name from my story. They DID, however, put in + Shawn Menadue's name because he wrote the other story on that page. + I'm not pissed off, but it was a lack of consideration for me. I DID + write it, and Shawn Menadue is one guy I'd rather NOT see take credit + for it. + + I have to blow my nose, but there aren't any tissues. I guess + I'll sniffle and suffer. Oh wait! There IS a roll of toilet paper. + I'll be back in a minute. + + Boy, did that ever help. Now if only everyone else in here who + are sniffling and suffering would do the same. Especially Mark + Reigler. He's beginning to bother me. I HATE it when people sit there + sniffling when there is available nose-blowing things. + + My favorite song is still "Ghost of Winter." I just realized + that when I typed it onto my computer disk today. But I'm wondering + if "The Day I Met You," also by Lillian Axe, will also become one of + my favorite songs. It's so sweet and simple, but totally different + the moody yet intricate "Ghost Of Winter." They both have excellent, + EXCELLENT lyrics. I'll need to think about it, though. It may just be + a passing fancy. + + Well, gotta go get busy. Writing notes to Amy, that is. + + [9-1-94] + + I stayed over at Jen's. Yesterday, we hooked up her modem and + hooked up America OnLine. It was so much fun. Her handle is Jezus666, + and her password is "Acid". I want a computer SO bad, I would kill to + be hooked up to AOL. I hope mom gets my application to Family Dollar + soon so I can get a computer. I want one more than a car. I'll save + $100 from every paycheck. It'll take me 6 months, I think, but it'll + be worth it. I want a Mac Performa like Jen's. We met this guy on it + who lives near Chicago who we're going to write to and stuff. Jen has + the address, though, so she might say shit about me so he won't write + me. I don't mean to be untrusting, but I wouldn't put it past her. I + hope he writes, though. His name is James, and he sounds really cool. + + Today's been a snoozer. It's SO boring. Well, I'm going. I'm + too bored to write. + + [13-1-94] + + Sorry, sorry, sorry. I lost my blue pens--this one is borrowed. + Jen said that James is gay--but I don't know if I should believe her + or not. I was over at her house again on Monday because the busses + were re-routed from the house that blew up, and nobody told us. We got + some games that didn't work, and we hooked her rat cages together. I'm + babysitting tonight for the Hohmann's as soon as I get home until + around a quarter to nine. Talk about boredom. At least I can make + some money. + + There's absolutely nothing going on lately. Except for the + house blowing up, everything's been pretty quiet. + + [19-1-94] + + Cool, cool, cool. I haven't written lately because... we had 2 + extra days off! We got Monday off--MLK Day--but 2 extra because of + too-cold weather. It got -28 I think. Plus there was tons of blowing + snow. It's been nice, too. I've been babysitting. + + Did I mention that about a week ago or so Eric Johnson came back + to school? He seems really great, especially after the car accident he + was in. + + Speaking of car accidents--this one is sad. Courtney Egleseder + died. I've been going to school with her since first grade! It's so + surreal. We were never close friends or anything, but I grew up with + her always. This school year's been just crazy. There'll probably be + a big thing about her tomorrow when we have to go back to school. + + [20-1-94] + + Today has been so psychotic. Everyone's crying and stuff, + because of Courtney. Half of our classes, it seems, are going up to + the Guidance Office and stuff. It's weird, I knew her, but we weren't + close or anything. It's just a tough thing to get used to. I almost + start to feel guilty that I'm not crying too, but then I get + level-headed and think, I'm not GOING to cry because I don't feel + emotionally compelled to. I knew her, but not well enough to cry over + it. I'm not that sentimental. + + Well, hopefully the rest of the day will be a little more + uplifting. Yeah, right. Today will be Manic Depressants Anonymous. + Most of the people feeling upset get out of semester tests! Oh well. + I'm sure they'll have to make it up. They're having a hard enough + time as it is. + + This morning on the bus, I talked to Arb. He was actually being + sweet, as compared to his usual egotistic, everyone-wishes-they-were-me + attitude. I'm STILL wondering if he's going out with Jenny White + (Weitz, whatever). I never see them together anymore, but I'm not going + to assume anything. + + I biffed this morning. I was crossing the street to get to the + bus stop (where I swear I almost froze to death) when I slid and landed + smack on my butt, knee, and elbow. I didn't make any deal out of it, + though. I wasn't injured, and neither were my clothes, so I'm fine. + + I'm so bored. There's nothing to do and nothing to write about. + Well, James isn't gay after all. Jen said he said his brother was + screwing around with the computer, so he's not really gay. Later. + + [28-1-94] + + Yesterday I was talking to Amy Jordan, and Erin Flowers pulled + another shitty. Erin wrote "I Love Josh" on Amy's assignment notebook. + No big deal. Then, she wrote underneath, "by Erin" and said to Amy, + "Well, I didn't want people to think you finally found someone." If I + would have been there, she would have been kissing some pavement, + that's for damn sure. But Amy controlled herself and just said, "Way + to go, Erin. Boost my confidence there." I think I would have been a + little less friendly. Erin just thinks she's so big because she has a + boyfriend. She keeps trying to rub it in our faces and make us feel + bad, but we're not jealous at all. Who would be jealous of someone + with no self-esteem and no respect for other people? I'm GLAD I'm not + her or even remotely like her. I'm glad I DON'T have a boyfriend, + because I'd be afraid I'd end up like she'll be after she and Josh + break up--no friends, because she acted like such a priss. + + All I have to say is that if Erin says anything around me or + even TO me, I'll cut her down to size so fast her head will spin. I am + a grade-A certified bitch. And some people just deserve the full, + royal treatment. + + (later) + + Luckily, lunch went smoothly today. Although Erin did remark to + me for eating salad. She said, "You're eating a FRIDAY salad?" (by + Friday they're usually pure brown.) I said, "Hey, it's better than + the rest of the stuff up there." She said, "Would you rather die after + eating something healthy or would you rather die after eating something + good?" I just said, "This is the only good thing up there. The rest is + gross school food." Why the hell should she care what I eat? And she + made absolutely no point. If I had been eating half a cake and a bucket + of lard, I could see why she would criticize me (even though it would + STILL be none of her business). + + I hope I get to stay over at Jen's tonight. I snuck my disk out + of the Write Place again so I can show her Summerland. I finished it! + It's pretty gnarly and neat-o. I hope Jen likes it. If she doesn't, + she can suck the dick I don't have. Maybe, sometime in the future, + I'll come up with a big, huge program that's really nifty. + + I am so bored. I'm in history. Hell, I'm always bored. Why + shouldn't I be? Of course, I shouldn't inflict this boredom upon + others. I will go! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #394 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 12/28/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0395.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0395.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f02ee298 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0395.txt @@ -0,0 +1,279 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #395 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "House of the Rising Sun: !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: Innsmouth, USA" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Squinky 12/28/98 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + We heard about the Innsmouth Special from a trucker we met in the + Haven Brothers' Diner in Providence. At least, he said he was a + trucker, but his huge hog outside forced me to suspect he was just + another doped out biker from Warwick or Smithfield. But he described + the specialty it with such meticulous care that we knew that part of + his tale, at least, must be true. + + The tales of Innsmouth filtered in with urban myth. We knew about + the grave of Mercy Brown and Nellie Vaughn, we knew of the Devil's Foot + rock in North Kingstown, we knew of the scared Narragansett Drum Rock, + and we knew of the haunted tower in Warwick Neck. Of Massachusetts we + knew very little, but we always heard of Innsmouth. + + But never of the Innsmouth specialty, which our interloper now + related to us, our ears peeled back with interest. "Yuh wanna know + where the good action is?" + + "Sure," I said. + + "I'll tell yuh where the good action is. Is alla in Innsmouth!" + + "Isn't that where those people live?" asked my brother. My + brother actually had seen Innsmouth, once, from a distance. + + "Yeah, yeah, thass parta the special, man, thass parta the + special. Yuh see, they got what yew call a Brothel there, a real + fuckin' brothel, inna middle uh town. Yew go there, and yew get a real + specialty act, man, a real fuckin' specialty act. I mean, yew think you + been inside it all? + + "You ain't been in shit till yew got the Innsmouth special, man. + It's freakin' crazy." + + "What's so special about it?" + + "Man, they got this girl there, Eliza, Eliza Marsh, the things + she can do with her body make a man weep. Damn. Yew really need tuh + check it out." + + We talked with him a while longer, getting explicit directions to + the Brothel, and the card, so they wouldn't hassle us at the door. My + brother hit him up for concise directions to this house of ill repute, + for he longed desperately to experience something new and unique in + this recycled world of Graeco-Roman antiquity. All we needed now was + transportation. + + So we headed back from the Downtown area to our Fox Point + apartment on Williams Street, taking in all the benefits of a stroll + through the old city, changed with modern intrusion, but still ancient + and weird as ever. My brother and I discussed the Brothel, and I + expressed my apprehension, assuming it would only be yet another + unsatisfactory sexual experience in a lifetime of unsatisfactory sexual + experiences. + + "We've done it all, mon frŠre," said I, "all the specialty acts + under the sun that I care to think of. The trans, the bi, the gay, the + black, the asian, the freaks, all of it. And all of it left me feeling + hollow and alone. Am I a beast? Is this why? I am an adequate lover, + no doubt, but, should I really keep doing this? Why will this be any + different?" + + "It may not be different," he said, "I won't lie to you. But + we've got to try, because somewhere, I know, somewhere out there, + meaning waits to be discovered. And this is the only possible avenue. + Even if it doesn't succeed, at least we can release some of the awful + tension of being a man. + + "Plus, I want to see Innsmouth. Don't you?" + + I had to admit that I did, having heard the legends of the + degenerate town. Incest and demon worship. Who could say no? + + We went back to our apartment and found our roommate, Jeremy, + asleep from a night of alcoholic splendor. "Let's take his car," said + my brother. I nodded, agreeing. We found a map of all Massachusetts, + and managed to locate the town. We planned the quickest possible route, + and loaded up on caffeine pills and amphetamines, ensuring an optimal + driving performance. Speed. + + My brother drove the whole way, refusing to let me drive once he + started, screaming out oaths and curses, damning me to Hell anytime I + suggested taking over. The stimulants kept him in good control of the + wheel, and he averaged about ninety-five miles-per-hour. We made + Innsmouth in two hours, and parked our car just outside the city, near + some woods, and walked the rest of the way like the biker in Haven + Brothers' told us to. Apparently, the citizens of the fair town of + Innsmouth, in this year of our lord, don't drive much and tend to look + down on those who possess the motorized abominations. Innsmouth is so + silent at night that any car echoes into every single quarter of town, + waking and alerting those who might better remain dormant. + + We stalked cautiously through the town, seeing vague movements in + the shadows, never directly encountering a resident of the town. + Strange sounds came from boarded up buildings, dilapidated and on the + verge of tumbling over, but we walked on. The directions the biker gave + us seemed to be accurate, and we soon found ourselves in the center of + town, looking directly at something called The Order of Dagon Hall. + + "Ok, we're supposed to turn left here, and then head towards the + East Side of town." + + "What's Dagon?" I asked my brother who shrugged his shoulders in + response. I peered into the Hall and saw a strange figure in the + doorway float past. It wore a crown on its head, and for a brief + second, looked at me. The smell coming from the Hall left a disquieting + effect on the rest of our journey, because it seemed to follow us + wherever we went. I waited for it subside, to leave me be, but it + followed no matter where we went. I now wonder if it had been there + before we reached the Hall, but remained noticed. Was it the smell of + Innsmouth? Did it really originate in the Hall, or come from somewhere + else? + + I could tell my brother laboured under the stench, because his + face lost its calm amphetamine serenity and he began to breathe out of + his mouth, avoiding usage of his nose as much as possible. We walked + fast, I suppose, and soon we found the southern waterfront section of + town, and knew the Brothel couldn't be far away. + + My brother began to shake with anticipation. I, on the other + hand, shook with stimulants, not terribly concerned with the coming + experience. I knew it would be the same as all the others I'd gone on + with him, profitless and degrading. + + Boarded up buildings, inhabitantless, greeted us on all sides, + showing us the lonely and miserable desolation of the legendary town. + Soon, though, we saw the building which had been described for us. My + brother shambled up to the door, and gently knocked three times (a sign + we had been assured would gain us entry). There was a pause, and the + sound of some rumbling behind the door, and I was filled with the + queerest notion that we were being observed by someone in the building, + even though boards covered all the windows. Someone slid a bolt behind + the door, and it slowly opened. + + My brother pushed his way in, and I followed. Before anything + registered with my reeling brain, my brother handed the card to + someone, and the tense air left the room, replaced by a breezy relaxed + one. In the light, I could only see the dimmest outlines of things, but + the girl who took the card seemed to be suffering from a strange malady + in its earliest stages. + + Quite frankly, she looked like a fish. I've seen the look before, + with underfed RISD students, but never so advanced. Her coarse grey + face and the bulbous eyes all disgusted me, and I hoped that I would + avoid her at all costs. I only wanted the specialty. My brother, on the + other hand, seemed to take a delight in the idea of bedding this + wretched creature. He grabbed her and kissed her, saying, "We want + love." + + I said, "I've heard much of this Eliza Marsh." Then, hoping it + wasn't true, I asked, "You aren't her, are you?" + + The girl replied in a slow, thick voice which reminded me of the + sea, "No. No. Yew'll be looking after Eliza, then?" + + "If it can be arranged. We've got the funds, if that's an issue." + + "I can tell yew gentl'men have funding. I can spot `em, I can." + + "Well then, where is she?" + + She giggled a little as my brother fondled her, and started + pulling her towards one of the empty rooms surrounding us on all sides. + As he dragged her in, she said, "Yew'll want the last room on the + right. She's there, alone. Waiting, fer yew. Heh heh heh." My brother + pulled her into the room and the door slammed. I wondered how much this + spectacle would cost us, but like any sex addict, dutifully went + towards my prize, regardless of consequences. + + I walked past open and closed doors, catching glimpses of + movement and strange moaning. Since it was dark and poorly-lit, the + movement didn't disturb me as much as the sounds. The sounds coming + from men seemed in concordance with the experiences they were + (presumably) undergoing. But the female noises, if I can call them + that, were hideous groans. They sounded like the low groans of the + starving. + + I shook as I turned the doorknob to Eliza Marsh's room, fearing + what I would find on the other side. There were no lights on in the + room, and I coughed a little, hoping that the sound would evoke a + response from whomever was in the room. I met with success, for the + room filled with the sound of a strange voice, even thicker and + bubblier than the voice of the "girl" my brother now made love to. "Wut + is yer name?" + + I stammered out my name, and she said, "That shore is a nice name + yew got. So do yew want to make love wif me?" I said that I did, and + she said, "Come to the bathtub." + + "Bathtub?" + + "We make love in the watur." + + Sure, I thought, just part of the specialty act. I moved blindly + in the darkness to the bathtub, using the sound of her voice and the + splashing water of the tub to guide me towards my erotic destination. + When I got to the edge of the bathtub, the smell kicked me in the + teeth, and I said, "What the hell is that damned odor?" + + "Oder?" + + "Yes, can't you smell that?" + + "Oh, that's the watur. It's salt watur. We make love in the + salt watur." + + More specialty, I guess, so I started taking off my clothes. When + I was naked, I slid into the tub, and moved myself up towards Eliza. I + touched her face, and immediately recoiled. Her skin felt rough like + unfinished wood, and each pore seemed the size of a crater. I couldn't + even be sure of her hair, what it was like, but I thought of seaweed + strangling me. She giggled a thick gurgle, and I gasped. + + She moved over me, and even as I protested, even as I screamed, + "No!", I felt myself growing aroused by the idea. I knew with what I + slept, and it appealed to me. She descended. + + I met my brother in the lobby. The girl he'd slept with giggled + and played with his hair. I noticed her hands were thick and webbed + like Eliza's. We paid the whore, and left the brothel as quickly as + possible. He seemed worn out and exhausted, speaking little until we + well out of the slum. + + As we walked back to our car, he said, "Well, screw it. I'm + never doing this garbage again." + + "Me either." + + "What a rip-off. What a damned rip-off. She was the lousiest + whore I ever slept with. I think she thought I actually liked her. You + were right, you know. These whores are worthless. This isn't the way + to find that meaning we're looking for. This isn't anything but a good + way to catch something fatal." + + I nodded my head and said nothing. I wanted to scream at my + brother, but I didn't. I knew how fruitless it would be. So I shut up + and drove us home, wordlessly. My brother went to his room and I went + to my own. I sat back on my bed and I recollected. + + What I had wanted to tell my brother was this: that I had finally + achieved the meaning that he and I had long sought for all these years + in our decadent whoremongering. When that. creature and I consummated + our lust, I had finally seen a way out of the static of modern + antiquity, that yesterday and today could be escaped and the future + could really be embraced. + + Her gills moved with passion, breathing, and her eyes stared + unblinkingly, and my mouth filled with nausea and my nose with stench, + and she and I became as one, for a brief splitting moment, I knew who I + really was in the grand chaos of the entire universe. A glimpse into + the universal. Her webbed paws moved up and down my back, trailing + slime, and her thick voice moaned out the sounds of battle. She and I + both saw the truth. + + And finally, when it was over, I left the bathtub and I put back + on my clothes, which stuck to my wet body, and moved away without + saying anything. I walked to the edge of the room, to the very door, + and turned on the light. I looked back at what I had just discovered + myself with and saw a creature more frog than human, grey and sick + looking, rolling in the filthy waters of my lust with her nude, scaly + flesh and webbed limbs. She tried to smile at me, to express a similar + discovery of her own meaning, but her facial muscles atrophied over + time, and her fish face made a horrible grimace. + + I shut the door behind me. My brother was right, he really was. + We can never go back to whoring. Never. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #395 - WRITTEN BY: SQUINKY - 12/28/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0396.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0396.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..10352501 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0396.txt @@ -0,0 +1,136 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #396 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Macking Methods: A Rebuttal" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Quarex !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/4/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Now, first of all, I obviously did not read Mogel's macking + article, as I am a guy, and that was not allowed. However, I had a girl + read it and dictate the entire article to me, so I am therefore able to + add my own personal slant on macking methods. + + Now that this is all cleared up, I will dive right the fuck in. + + Mogel points out several devious and evil macking techniques in his + excellent article, all of which girls should indeed learn to recognize + and avoid. Well, most of them, anyway, other than the antisocial + computerboy mack, since I have used that one myself on a few occasions, + and it has been the only way I have ever gotten a date in my life. So + ladies, go easy on me when I default to using that one again in the + future. Antisocial computerboys have no malice towards you. We just + really are antisocial (Well, I am not anti-social, but still) computer + boys. + + Now, on with my rebuttal, which is honestly nothing more than an + open-ended attack on women with the claim of being a rebuttal to a + legitimate article. + + I have been actively seeking a girlfriend since my sophomore year + in high school, which was over five years ago now. I have only succeeded + in getting a girlfriend once in this time, which was earlier this year, + and the relationship lasted about 2 1/2 months. + + Now, I realize most of you already know this, but there are + probably a good one or two of you who have not already heard my + lame-as-all-hell-who-gives-a-shit-Quarex stories of my many attempted + relationships. In that time, I tried many macking techniques, all of + which failed miserably and horribly aside from the pathetic computerboy + mack, which Mogel already covered. So, here, I will list all of the + macking techniques which I have tried and had explode quite miserably in + my face. + + The "I like you and want to date you" mack. This mack is rather + simple, if you think about it. It basically involves getting to know a + girl through any method, in my case, talking to her a lot at school, and + having her say she would not be objected to going to see a movie with me. + Once we had seen the movie and hung out a few more times, I figured the + obvious next step was to tell her that I wanted to date her, but that did + not seem to be accomplishing anything, and it eventually just led to the + girl crying all the time and solidifying my relationship as "Only guy she + has ever turned down." That made me feel good. + + The "I like you" mack. Very similar to the previous mack, this + mack came into being because someone told me that I had to not make it as + obvious that I wanted the girl to be my girlfriend. So, I just hung out + with the next girl a lot, and one day asked her out, and so she started + dating this other dude. Then, when she was done with that dude, she + hinted that she liked me, and started dating another dude, who she dated + for ages. That mack obviously did not work, either. + + The "I am rather neutral towards you" mack. This mack showed me + learning from my past two mistakes, and just treating the girl like + someone I kinda liked, but not really one way or another. One day after + we had known each other for a long time, I asked her out, and she had + the usual get scared and run away reaction. + + I started trying different forms of macks entirely at some point, + too. + + The "You have told me repeatedly that I am the most entertaining + and awesome person you know, so why the fuck did you just date a guy who + you say you have always found boring and annoying" mack. In this mack, + I become the most fantastic guy that the girl has ever met, and + instantly become undatable as a result. Girls are smart, they only date + guys who they can write off as soon as they break up with by saying "He + was boring and annoying, anyway." What would a girl say if she ever had + to break up with me? There would be no good reason, so that obviously + cannot happen. + + The "I am treating you with a great deal of respect" mack. Girls + do not want you to respect them, plain and simple. + + The "This girl has told me she wants me for two years" mack. I + found this mack to be particularly ineffective, despite the fact that + normally a girl who has wanted you for years does not turn you down if + you ask her out. However, since I am Quarex, that is exactly what + happened. + + The "You should get pregnant" mack. I really wanted this one + girl, then she got pregnant. I still asked her to a movie, since she + was a cool person, and was still hot, since she was not showing. She + always talked about how much she wanted to hang out with me sometime. + So, she postponed our date when I called her to ask when I should pick + her up, then the next few times I called, she did not return my calls. + I got the hint after that. Yes, when a girl tells you she wants to + hang out with you, it means "I am terrified of you and thus am telling + you this so you will go away." + + The "Wow, you asked me to homecoming? You must like me!" mack. + This mack is also relatively simple. You just wait for the girl to ask + you to her Homecoming dance. When the girl is extremely attractive, it + is even more fun to execute this mack. Now, when homecoming is over, + and you have had a really good time, make sure to revel in the fact that + she starts dating a dude who she finds completely useless the next week. + + The "You just dated my best friend based on the fact that he has + a very warped perspective of life, yet you turned me down last year, and + have often said the same thing about me" mack. In this mack, the guy + who has an earring and short hair can always outdo the dude with no + earring and long hair. People with warped perspectives on life, take + heed. + + The "You were all over me at that party, and now you are all over + me all the time, including holding hands with me while your boyfriend + was around, yet you said while drunk that you would never, ever want to + date me" mack. Even though I did not try this mack on a girl I + particularly wanted to date, as attractive and fun as she is, it is + still a good lesson to learn. If a girl makes it a habit of demanding + you hug her all the time, and likes touching you a lot, and has a + boyfriend, then she is most likely using you for some kind of bizarre + outlet, since she knows she will never feel any desire to date you. You + can at least take solace in the fact that you are not so hideously + unattractive that you are unfit to be used as a sexual toy. + + Those are all the macks I have used in my process of being turned + down or rejected before I even had a chance to ask out ~15 girls. This + file is being provided for anyone out there who either aspires to be as + pathetic as me someday, and wants to know how to do it, or aspires to be + the antithesis of Quarex, and someday meet me in lethal combat. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #396 -- WRITTEN BY QUAREX -- 1/4/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0397.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0397.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5976630b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0397.txt @@ -0,0 +1,905 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #397 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Looking For A Handle?" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Various Artists !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/4/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Since we here at HOE just love IRC logs SO MUCH, we bring to you + a number of suggestions for those of you out there who are looking + for a handle! This log features appearances by Swiss Pope, TanAdept, + Squinky, Seaya, Mogel, Meenk, and Neko. + + *** IRC Session Start: Wed Dec 16 01:21:16 CST 1998 + I need to think of some handles for a pretty cool chick that is + joining HOE, so if you think of ANY handles, just shoot 'em out. + can't she think of her own handle? + she can't be very cool if she can't think of a handle. + saramg! + ch1x0r + Sleepy + hotchick + H0TH0E + _2515049_ + Listerine + Cunt4sale + annathecat + warezch1x + h0e's_hoe + sleepykatie + errrrrr + Swiggamajig + gweeds + Miss Leotard + Gutzalpus + demona + Maggot Queen? + crank + Mayflower/Tub-Tug + Z-Nugget + somalia + blissqueen + popcorn + Sexy4God + Poppie + papereater + Poopie + POppy z brite + lintilla + Maab + Rasputina + fifipuff + Flewby + fwiffo + spathi + Squiggle + Sorryasspope + anjee the second + orz + Kilrathi + pkunk + Babylonian + Mark Hammil + Nur Jehan + winans + Klingonia + Jurgen + deadhead + deadgirl + EmporerTomatoKetchup + slut + bitch + whore + cunt + SwissMiss + SLuttylittlefucker + ATDT911--INSANITY!!!! + jenny ondioline + Windows95 + IRQ-Conflict + Jenny McCarthy? + PAMNTOMMY4EVA + Linuxch1k + MOTHERBOARD + dummercon + murmurmur + Ricus? + Empress + vikas? + Daughter Of Liberty? + girl Jett + fpga + Julie Andrews? + SlimeMold + katy_kat + The sound of music? + Jello? + debutante detective + Nethack + MORIA + angband + SunnyFunny + colene + Jaundice + umgah + Atsuko + space_debris + mogel2 + jade + mogellina + alifromcairo + moa-gle + antelope grease + sesquentennial + gaa-nome + Moagle, queen of hte fairies + Gwyn Ap Nudd + octogenarian + jesus + francobollo + Brny MAwr + arual + pickle + white lightning + white rabbit + ken kesey + red rabbit + Mountain Girl + Black Maria + Elektrik Kool Aid + Ken Lanfear? + KoolWhip + Whoop? + Big Whoop? + Big Big Whoop? + she should be creative enuf to think of her own damn handle. + trs80 + M-x-chick + dumb ass + numb ass + how about + scum ass + Girldanger + flange pedal + Future Industry Giant? + ivanova + teela + INDONESIA! + Xena, Warrior Princess? + East Timor? + "Teela", "Dejah", "Penny", "Alia", "Be\'lit", "Ripley", + "Yarr", "Ardala", "Sparta", "Munro", "Danning", "Brawne", + "Maya", "Aelita", "Alura", "Dale" + #6 + scullyluv + Aculopolco Gold + Wowie Maui + SpecialAgentSKinner + BFSkinner'sBitch + the artist formley known as princess? + "*Wet*", "*Happy*", "*Frumple*", "*Camper*", "*Loner*", + "*Dancer*", "*Singer*", "*Heavy*", "*NewBoy*", "*FatFun*", + "*Pepper*", "*Hungry*", "*Deep*", "*Smell*", "*Juice*", + "*Squirt*" + Frumple! + Cuntwunty? + SNUGGLEPUMPKIN + BuntyShunty? + Meenk? + AwkyBirdy + skewby? + tanadept + g0ff + evileye + gylnis? + fg + eerie + dc + lcn + jamesy! + cbnoonan + zibble + yumas + Cheapness + Neocortex + hepatitis + Borneo + chlamydia + borealis + CobaltBlue + grlfrmars + Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome + Neontits + ArgonAss + GODHATESFAGS + SeleniumSnatch + O.D.B. + Discordia + PumpkinAss + BLANCHE D'Almond!! + RZA + GZA + MEthod Man + Full Metal Jacket + 188 143 143 RosyBrown + how about 'mogeletta' + SINCE YOU THINK SHE IS OH-SO-COOL + THOUGH WE ALL KNOW WHAT A STUPID WHORE SHE IS + moGIRL + *** mogel is now known as mogirl + How about Sarafina? + Mo'money + Marge Simpson? + Lisa Simpson? + 178 34 34 firebrick + 233 150 122 DarkSalmon + 255 250 205 LemonChiffon1 + 139 0 139 DarkMagenta + Mrs. Crabapple? + warez simpson + CookiePuss + Muddle + janet + Crumpet + trumpet + Spinoza + Sara Gilbert-2? + voltaire + Pico Della Mirandella? + rousseau + Pico Fermi + leibniz! + name her leibniz!! + MagicC: The Gatering? + Enrico The Cobbler + Magic: The Slathering? + Vampire: The Masquerate + Groucho + Harpo + Wraith: The Oblivion + Chico + kamala + Gummo + Warez: The 'leetness + Zappo + is kamala good? + Mage: the //\/\\age helps! + Trillian + Quest For Glory 5: Dragon's Fire + MEoW. + NO MODEM SARAH? + *** neko (neko@poolx1-039.rkfd.wwa.com) has joined channel #ezines + Neko? + necco wafer + Necro wafer + Art Deco Vagina + OkeePah + this is all too insane + *** Signoff: neko (Connection reset by peer) + 6o9 + TELEGARD + RENEGADE + VISION/X + celerity + WWIV + Spitfire + PowerBBS + Forum! + Cat + LSD BBS + PCBOard + VBBS + I actually ran Cat BBS software for a while. + melacvholy + WildCat! + catriona + ryebread + X-Zot-Iks + Wildfire. + Epicenter. + Oscar Meier Wilde + Wildefire. + Mona from Who's the Boss + lwaxana + Brenda + Brandon + Larry + Dylan + Fred + donna4 + Zack + Darryl + Nudity + Chastity + Lisa "Left Eye" lopez + Serendipity + Supetitity! + Sucky Fucky + FUCK MIRC + 2 Live Krew + For No Good Reason + GestaltFrau + The D.O.C. + Eazy-E + Ages of Empires + Dr. Dre + ICE CUBE + Wing Commander + Sticky Red + Dr. Luvintosh + Motif + Devil Duke + MC REN + CDE + glibc + Snack McGee + Yellowboy + linus + souljah666 + Fred + Wilma + Barney + Bam-bam + Barnacle + rootkit + Jeffy Jube + Pebbles + pebbles!!!! + pebbles!!!! + pebbles!!!! + pebbles!!!! + CrustaceanGirl + Xyzzy + ALF + HAVE HER CALL HER SELF ALF + MolluskChic + ALF! + ALF! + ALF! + ALF! + ALF! + rocks! + ALF! + ALF! + ALF! + boulders! + ALF! + ALF! + ALF! + pebbles!!!! + ALF! + CuntryMusic + ALF! + avalance + ALF! + ALF! + ALF! + pebbles!!!! + ALF! + ALF! + ALF!Q + There were Alf trading cards at Dummercon 3. + ALF! + Alf's girlfriend RHODA + ALF! + Loosey Lawless + ALF! + ALF! + ALF + tobiko + iko iko + Magoo + cyndi lauper + madonna + lisa loeb + she could call herself KREEDETTE + Paganatrix + Klaus KInski + pagennotwait + Miserable' + Nastassja Kinski + mulan + Zappy Zoot + Zooty! Zoot, zoot! + Rebo + Deborah Kinski + Biggie Kinski + MULAN!@!#@#!$$#@$#@$#@$@#$@#$#! yaya + princessdi + CodePageNWAIT(ISO) + Namhoi Kinski + apropos + Brainy Bust + man -k + BustaMovetress + maitreya + TowerOfHanoiFan + Ice-T + xemacs + Mc Hammer + Fatboy + Little man + MotelInfinityGuest + maitai + EscapefromSaigon + Laser thighs + EscapeFrom LA + leaving lass vegas + robocop + Pussy Galore + Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! + PlayTex + slamander + Die, DIe, MY Darling! + Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! rocks. + Leibniztress + SalsaJack + evita + moritoruum + Swisspope + swisspoop + MadDogMcCree + Elsa von Speilburg + Erasmus + Muffy The hoover + Fenrus + fenris + Rakeesh + Fafnir + hildegardvonbingen + Odin + Man versus Trash + Spleenia + Frigga + amala + A Good Band Name + Freya + Freya + HAHAH JYNX + KICKIN BITCHES LEFT AND RIGHT + mala + GWAR + Oderus Urungus + Jethro Tull + deepali + Beefcake the Mighty + Punchy + obloid + Lazy Dust + obloid sphere + Jizmac the Gusher + sunyata + Balzac the mighty + evermore + shirleymanson + dto + Rupin + Some drummer. + cdc + Drink Poison Please + veggie + Spludnatch + Zipper Got Stuck + Swamp Ratte' + millenium + Crystalline + Harlan Ellison + unmeow + Ray Bradbury + Theodore Sturgeon + Piers Anthony. + Philip K Dick + The people's Elbow + Harrison Ford + I Can't See My Feet + Samuely R. Delaney + BettyWhite + lefty + mirrorofherdreams + Sanford and Son + BeaArthur + Sophia + Jefferson Girlplane + Jefferson Stargirl + Are You Ready? + Biscuitmunch + bluelake + jimi hendrix + Money-makin'-ho + IBM hit team + SoupD'Jour + Kant's Fucktoy + bluetits + Syd Barrett + Altair + TRS-80 + Nobody's Business + SP: Alreyad said trs-80 + Vic=20 + Amiga + Training Bra + CP/M + Odyssey^2 + Odyssey^3 + finishing Move + Deckful of Rats! + - leibniz rumor + Dr. Nerve Gas + Dungeons and Dragons + dungeon master + venger! + Venger!@#$!$@ + *** TanAdept is now known as Venger + Vengeant Whistle + CollecoVisionofBeauty + Whistling Dixie + recoreder + ritualdelohabitual + Dixie Flatchest + Mary Jane Watson Parkefr + jimmipage + cunegonde + shocking + rocking + Fortuitious Pussy + cacambo + pangloss + Circuit Maximus + Rose McGowan + neve Campbell + Bailey + short circuit + number 5 + beetle + beatle + Chance Broken + meatle + I know who you did last summer + LaserLipsYourMommaWasASnowblower + that fucker from king's quest + Office Suite Larry + ROSELLA + Graham. + King Stoopid Pants or wahtever + Rosella's Perils + King Graham + Gwydion + Didn't I Already Pay? + Later revealed to be none other than + Rosella's Perils, the only game I can play from that series + kernel + vmunix + Prince ALEXANDER + Are you being served? + Alexthecat + jook + jewk + Skate or Die + jooke + alexthecatweightlossplan + juke + juhk + safetydance + Bo-Got + Eat Books + Alex + O.G. ReadMore + Harrison Gbergeron + OJ simpson + Charly + Schwag + Zapotoatoes + dostoyevsky + Kind Bud + Kilgore Trout + adskfad'jfLFDKLA'FALFKAFLK + vonnegut + ice9 + Wed Dec 16 02:51:17 EST 1998 + yay!@@#%! + The ANSI Ninja + IT's 251!!@$!$@ + hooray + Bitch of Champions + Insane in the membrane + timskirvin + B_real + The Cunt of Cunts + i like to eat pussy + goiter + loiter + Nala + nada + The Rain Queen + Astralwerks + cyan + Moddled + myst + nightmyst + riven + Y00l Brenner + manhole + shasta + dante + Hewitt's Breasts + shasta! + fgresca! + Inverted Laverne + fanta! + Marx + karla + carlin + valencia! + Candleabra Tits + slut + Caca McGee + Hebronix + "Oh no! Not the 13-pronged dildo!" + So? + WWJD + Rot-13 + WWGD + WWID + WWMD (mogel) + Psychotrumpus + JHVH-1 + Attack of the Wombat + wumpus + Shok-tar!~ + sillycat + babymunchie + naked + nakid + alanis + Bananas + THAMK U + Gauva + PassionFroot + mango + shera + pomegranete + Katrina + cat-trina + Kim + mangomama + Santa + Kelly + kimstein + Santa Barabara + catriona + rachelstein + kcsmith + El Chupacabra + Bordello of Blood + nyarrrrrrrrrr + catriona + Lady LaMissile + The Moth MAn + catriona + cation + anion + radical + catriona + Teeth HURT + leftleg + rollerblading incident + Awning + That Feeling You Get When You Find Pictures of Your Ex-gf + Naked On The Internet + Arnie + fecaphilia + Never Enough + Libble + Black Hole + Crooble + Cromley + Porken + V.I.N.C.E.N.T. + Cripled + Crowley + Zintosh + Fantasy Showbar + Aliester + Yirgley + Amatuer Action + RobertAntonWilson + RAW + Oral Anal + PissChrist + pimpin' hairy ass teddy + Monica Jewinsky + Illuminatus! + Magglethorpe + Hannukah Lewinsky + Pony Express + louisiana purchase + kentstate + Mick Foley + challenger + alex foley + Naked Slut Dancing For Money In a Bar + winterm + mick jagger + French and Indian thighs + intel + amd + Jodie Foster in "ACCUSED" + cyrix + nitro + packardbell + thunder + bestbuy + circuitcity + tiamat + Applicant + bahumet + pixeldust + replicant + Saving Leftovers For Tomorrow + Baphomet The Lion King + patina + Baphomet the IRC gimp + Kurdt 4EVER + NO COURIER + Hymie + linenoise + bluebox + urinebox + Linoleum + Why?mar + Erik Bloodaxe + 251box + Ernie's Bottlecap Collection + Emannuele Goldestien + No, Bert's + gibson + hackthegibson + tunabox + Naked Chicks For Ever + Eat Elroy + Cruella D'Goldstein + matrix cubed + buck rogers + SSI + Cascading Slutty Flesh + Sedate Your Children + buckswope + Gina DIaz + Barney Fife + Virtual Hosting + Barney FIFO + He's a personnel challenge + 2people5chikkens1car + guardian dracoform + This is your LIFO + We Need To LILO and Hide + Hiraku Masaki + foxyroxy + Burt Park's Bitch + pointtopointprotocol + Come Eat My Sister + Graphen + Yasunari Kawabata + Kenzaburo Oe + Slush Fund + photoshop + soybean + Kobo Abe + thedraw + Chrybdis + pkunzip + Syclla + scully + Naked Slut Orgy + Sickle + mike skully + 5 peanuts0butter4sandwiches9retards + hammer + Jerkin' Ain't Easy + Silent Bob + Bog + jay + TheBog + Slice of Ham + Wild Side + Top $peed Reaction + microsoft + Tripe + Hentai Hottie + Chicago Transfer Authority + Butt Seriously HAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + Endless Stream of Bullshit + Chiba City Slut + Chicago Transit Authority + quayannisqatsi + Mina + Moons over My Hammy + pocayenta + The Exclamation Point + Casbah + .com + caliente + doggy style dog + Calabash + Mercator Projection + papadam + Aleopile + unglued + No. Yes. + Namu + Maybe Mary + mounds + The Big Red Easy + warez joy + willy wonky + veruca salt + Break My Face + steal this book + Some Cool Chick Mogel Found + I Like Cookies + pilferer + luciapamela + Scarletta + pamelaandersonlee + Thumbnail Index + miss scarlet + miss peacock + claw + fang + tongue + It Will Heal In Time + drool + alt.binaries.SHUT-THE-HELL-UP + alt.warez.g0ff + alt.banks.king-trent + uiuc.test + I LIKE GIRSL N GUYS HEHEHHE IT'S MY PEROGATIVE HEHEHE + penina + conchita + ink curryer + Bad Porno Wig + Humble Slave + ALF!~ + ALF! + ALF! + Humble Spittle + ALF! + ALF!Q + ALF! + The pieman + ALF! + ALF! + tampaxtypo + the not-so-humble babe + the humble babe + canseco + Your Immortal Soul + razor1911 + finalfantsy7 + Pick Your Pickle + goth + Porno Tongue Kiss + g0ff + cicada + capoeira + Shitty Jpg Dithering + dentaldam + TIFF + Rhapsody + Run-length encoding + SCSI + decalogue + Sex On the Beach + praise g0ff + save farris + FlipFlop + IMHO + Ebony/Hardcore + Ebony/Hardcore + Content-type: text/html + elina + Heavens to Mergatroid + Chix For Dix + Unidentifiable Liquid From My Garbage + mergatroid! + Why Don't You Just Shut Up? + how do I see what line of a file I'm on in vi? + JEWS + /s + Nectar Delights + Drug Dealres shooting people on my block + Sally Struthers + Nectarine + Nicotine + Cotinine + Dookie Snots + Don Knotts' Bride + Annie Oakley + I hope someone logged that. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #397, WRITTEN BY VARIOUS ARTISTS, 1/4/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0398.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0398.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7ce28fe8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0398.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1123 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #398 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The HOE Rejects" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Various Artists !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/4/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Sometimes I'm asked, "do HOE writers *always* know that they must + submit quality text files to your publication?" -- the answer, clearly, + is no. In fact, as surprising as it might sound, some people *have* + forgotten that HOE has standards. Yes, it's true, there are HOE rejects. + The following are some of these rejected HOE submissions. Some are + quite old, and might even extend into '94. + + "But Mogel, if you are releasing these files in this issue, + doesn't that make them non-rejects, after all?" You catch on quick! + + !!========================================================================!! + + "THE JFK IS DEAD FILES!" + by Abigwar [11/17/94] + + I know the secret to the question. The question about everything. + The question, about, THE FOUNTAIN OF THE ETERNAL WOMBAT! But that is + another story intirely. Ha! So there! + + Also, i'm privlaged to know the secret in the JFK case. I shot + JFK. I admit it. The EoOtKoTwaT (Eternal order Of the Knights of The + wombat ancient Tree) has paid me 7 golden wombatian monitary units. + Worth about .03 cents. But that was all i needed.. For i was in it for + the publicity. + + After i discovered that it was a crime to use magical bullets in + an act of murder, i decided that publicity was not something i should be + in surch of at that moment. The most common question that people ask me, + is: "Where did you get your magical bullet?" Well, the EoOtKoTwaT had + me buy the bullet from their Grey Market dealer. + + "How much did the bullet cost?" is also asked alot. The bullet + costed about 3 golden wombatian monitary units. So after i spent the 3 + wombatian coins, it left me with about 4 wombatian coins. Not much + money i must admit. + + This is where Harvey comes into play. I prommised him if he gave + me $5 dollars, I would make him famous, and i guarnteed that his name + would never be forgot in American history. So i frammed him. I made a + grand profit of about $5.01. + + Now, i am in it for the money, and i'm gonna kill the pr*s*d*nt + of the United States of AmeriKa. Hopefully i will make about $7.00 + extra this time. And i will get away with it, just like the last time. + + I also tried to kill Busch. And couldn't get the man to pay me, + so i made him famous, and he said he would pay me later. I hear he is + in jail, so i may never get my money. I'll be waiting though. Just you + wait and see. + + !!========================================================================!! + + "Fart" + by Visioknight [2/4/95] + + My Dockers seem to shift in anticipation + Of this anal masturbation. + + >> Oh man, can't make it to the can. + + Hairy butt cheeks shift in turmoil + The mighty sphincter begins to coil. + + >> The toilet calls, can I make it down the hall? + + Wisps of methane float up in test + Of the forthcoming erupting crest. + + >> Almost there, are you ready, underwear? + + A mighty crack and it has begun + My walk to the bathroom has become a run. + + >> The pants go down, I hear a faint sound. + + A mighty blast from that nether place + And a puzzled look goes 'cross my face. + For almost as quickly as it had started + I had come to shit, but only farted. + + !!========================================================================!! + + "Life Sucks" + by AlphaBeta [Sometime in 1996.] + + life sucks. + + yeah, yeah, we've all heard that. it's a bitch and then you die. + general shit like that. but do we care? hell no. + + we live out our damn existence as a one shot deal and then there + is no more. poof. it's gone. depending on what you believe, what + happens after that is up to you. + + so who the fuck am i to be telling you that life sucks? life has + pissed so hard on me lately i'm drowning. but yeah, you say, it's + happened to me too. so? + + ever watched as you crumbled, and realized what a fucking pathetic + waste of time your life was? + + ever watched as you found out who your true friends were and + weren't, only to find out that you didn't have any true friends? + + ever realize you're the most socially inept asshole on the planet? + + i have. + + life sucks. + + i'm tired of watching as people decide to piss on me for their own + personal gratification. i've watched as three of my best friends in + the last week have just totally kicked me around and left me for dead. + i have to wonder often just who would show up to my funeral. + + life is a shitter. it's designed that way. get up, got to work or + school, do routine crap, maybe do things with friends, go to bed. + that's life for you. + + i'm so socially inept that i'm going to take a night position at a + job. i don't have to worry about going out on nights with friends + because i have no fucking friends. who gives a shit? better productive + time, right? + + earn money, get a life. that's what they say. the man with the + most money is the best off. + + who really gives a shit? i'll probably grow up to be some god damn + 40 year old guy married (or maybe not at this pace) who spends most of + his time at home because there's no one he really knows or cares about. + + damnit, i don't care anymore. i've handed myself over to the folds + of humanity and gotten torn to shreds. kicked in the ass. that's what + i get for being nice, compassionate, and caring in real life. + + no one gives a shit anymore if you're the nice guy. everyone cares + about that magic two letter word: me. yes, that's right. "what's in + it for me?" "why should i care?" all these fucking people who pretend + to be importand but really aren't. that's life. + + i won't be surprised anymore. + + i just don't give a shit. + + !!========================================================================!! + + "Damn It!" + by Inner Logic + + Ya know what i cant stand? Party Poopers. They really get my + goat. In fact, they even get my goat's goat, and ya gotta really suck + to get ol' hermans goat (herman is my goat). Anyways, on to the + bitchin. + + A few weekends ago i went to an open house in another school + district. About 5 friends and I showed up with large amounts of beer + and herb (at the time of arrival we were all already stoned off our + asses). + + So, we are all out on the back porch smokin bongs, gettin + zonked out of our heads when the party really starts hoppin. Music + was a-blastin, chicks were a-flirtin, and the beer was a-flowin. Then + some wiggers (more on these types of kids in future issues) show up and + start passin around glaces, ya know, hoping someone will look back so + they can start a fight. Right about this time had fallen asleep on the + couch with some girl (to this day i don't know who:) The next part of + the story is as told by witnesses, as i was knocked out. Most of my + buds were either gettin laid or sleeping, cept one...this big guy. The + big guy was TOTALY wasted..i mean really wasted!. So this one wigger + looks at my friend (the big stoned one) and my friend stares blankly + back. The kid walks up to my friend and says "wassup!?" "ya wanna get + loud wit dat?" and my buds like "huh? what?" so the pseudo homey starts + goin off "Ya Got Some Beef?!" "Lets Bring it out and fry it up right + here!" So my friend just walks away because he is one of those + non-violent people. Eventually there was a fight between my friend and + the kid, and my friend beat the living bejesus outta the kid. Remember, + all this time i was downstairs passed out on the couch. When i had + finally awoken from my slumber, I found that some kid had egged me and + the girl with me. that really sucked. So the punx were gone, and i was + left all egged up with nobody to get mad at. I was quite pissed! + + Now you may be wondering what the fuck the point of that was. + The answer is simple, PARTY POOPERS SUCK! + + The moral of this story is: Dont count your wiggers before + they throw eggs at you. Especially if you are sleeping, becuz that + would suck! + + !!========================================================================!! + + "Winter" + by Basehead + + As the winter season and new year fall on us; the proverbial changing of + the seasonal and annual guard - we all tend to reflect more than usual. + Maybe it's the dim grey skies. the 6 hours of real daylight, the lack of + a sol-induced carefree nature. who knows? + + I think alot depends on where you live. In New England, winter is a + love/hate relationship. It's hell if you plan on going anywhere, but + heaven if you're happy where you are. In California, they get a little + rain. boo hoo. in Florida, a few wind gusts. aww. You haven't + experienced winter until you've lived through a New England winter. + + The seasons are not merely a reflection of a specific etched timeframe + on a calendar. They shape our lives, moods, emotions. + + To some of us, new year is an excuse to get completely blasted (read: + tradition), and to fake some kind of global exuberance via party-favors + and vodka. Some of us pretend we care; giggling out a new year's + resolution while reeling from a few shots of our choice alcoholic + beverage - taking a drunk female home and fucking her into a frenzy, + or whatever. this is what it all comes down to? + + Do we ever really take a minute to begin to imagine how amazing our + existence is; how in fact lucky we are to see the beginning of another + year? Probably not. + + I don't want to scare you into skipping this article, so i'll move on + for now (i wouldn't want you to use your head or anything.) + + Snow. + + How amazing it is. Little crystalized versions of frozen precipitation. + Melts in your palm before you can get a good look at it, but together, + billions of these little buggers have caused entire cities to be without + electricity, without water. they've caused extended closings of + businesses and schools, resulting in the loss of valuable work time, and + been responsible for innumerable deaths and injuries. Snow is a real + fucking asshole, it seems. + + I'm sure we all have our different ideas about this mysterious white + stuff. Let's take a look at some typical responses: + + -- Ok, anybody up for some word association?!@ Alrighty! + -- first: "SNOW!" + + - skiing enthusiast: "god" + - m0rph: "warez" + - kindergartener: "santa" + - 3rd grader: "sled" + - 10th grader: "shovel" + - Ike Turner: "coke" + + ...you get the idea. + + Is Snow a saint or a sucka? You decide. + + Winter is the ideal time for all the angst(copyright c and circle by + NIN, Inc.)-ing teens to wallow in that fiery pit with walls of brimstone + -- self pity. Yeah, that's right.. you pieces of shit. Cry your eyes + out cuz it's not gonna get any better. + + angst teen #1 -- "boohoo!@ my life sux. eye am gonna go put on black + eyeliner and black clothez. then i'm put on some + Bauhaus, lock myself in my rewm, pull the shades, and + scream satan's name in 50 languages until he comes to + take me away. + + Oh what's that, mom? I can't hear you, let me turn the + music down. Ok.. oh alright, i'll be down for dinner + in a sec. Let me get this damn eyeliner off." + + angst teen #2 -- "boohoo!@ i have nowhere to go in life. i guess it's + time to fuck everyone i meet and do some heavy drugs + to pass the time. after all!@# N0B0DY CAREZ@#@!" + + angst teen #3 -- "boohoo!@ i only got a 3.9gpa this semester.. i'll + never get into Princeton. m0mz and dad will kill me! + I'm going to slit my wrists. FUQ Y0U ALL!@" + + Fuck off, just fuck off. You're alive, aren't you? Make something of + yourselves, you fuckwits. + + Come on now, enjoy yourself this winter. Think of the implications of + winter: presents, family, snowball wars, landscape, beauty.. be thankful + for it, revel in it for awhile. + + You've got a lot to be thankful for. Even doodleboys have alot to be + thankful for. After all, they have their ehmm... doodles. + + Most of all, be thankful this year that you have DTO to keep your + intellectual choo-choo train on track. Fear mogel. + + ..finally.. + + Advice for everyone who wants nothing more than to finally have a good + year in 1996: + + .. ermm.. + .. well + ..... + don't we all? + + I'm still looking for the magic formula. + + !!========================================================================!! + + "Eating" + by Ippy + + hey. lookie here, whats this? your typical family; son, daughter, + mother, and dear ol' daddy. bonding, how crucial!@ ahh, lets goto a + restaurant. yah, thats the ticket!@$( we'll have the feminines on one + side, and the masculine on the other, conversvative tonight. mm. -- + woo!@ look here, so many things to choose burritos, tacos, + enchaladias, what? no substitutes for entree tre. ermm, i'll just go + ahead and munch down on the complimentary bag of tortilla chips, mm, + salsa!@ "waiter, another basket of chips, please."; "coming right up." + ...oh, silly me; back to menu!@ the hidden wonderland, i choose my + destiny. la la la.. these chips are kinda salty, oh well. "thanks!" + little susie exlaimed, as she was handed a plate full of the pre-entree + entrie; not knowing daddy had ordered some motzerella sticks, and nachos. + mm. geez, i've already had 2 refills of this diet coke!@ "another diet + coke, ma'am." okay, "i'll get the 3 enchaladia course," johnny stated + in his mind; as he grabbed more nachos. mm. we ordered over 20 + minutes ago, meal should be here soon$#@$! la la la.. "woo!@". "the + plate is hot, be careful", oh. alrighty. mm. this enchaladia is good, + seemingly a lot more food on the plate than i had expected. -- refried + beans and all, what a treat!@ ugh, uh-oh.. i'm kinda full. "ma'am, + would you mind boxing the remains of my meal?" ..mm. "heres your bill". + oh, well, have my k0de!@# "alright troops, back home!@" daddy + exclaimed as they carried each others boxes to the car.. leftovers, + neat. -- THERE. la la la.. oh, uhm. my point? go to the fucking + restaurant, order your apetizers, and leave. bah. + + !!========================================================================!! + + "The Little Poop That Could" + by Cerkit [12/95] + + the slam of the door was heard an echo that a thousand times of + any sound displayed to man's ears before. the flop of his ass unto the + toliet again laid sound a new to man's ears. suddenly the little poop + made his way free. slowly he crept through each part of his + intestines... climbing... slowly. the crawling walk took nearly twenty + minutes. + + then suddenly... he made his way unto an area unknown to it. the + stool was worried. the cheeks tried to comfort the poor stool. lying + about its destination. telling it how great things would be for it. it + knew this was the end of its days. it didnt have the strength however, + therein to sustain the journey. the cheeks coax'd the poor poop. + + "i can't... i just cant do it!#" + + "you can... you can, i tell you!@ i've seen it a million times." + + "i won't make it... i'll die in the fall or... or... worse... + i'll be torn into halves." + + "you can. you can." + + the ass cheeks consorted secretly... planning to reverse the + logic. + + "you're right, poop, you can't." + + "uhm. you dont think i can now?" + + "i know it. you're a reject." + + "oh yeah?!@ watch this!@" + + the little poop made his way... harder and harder he tried with + each motion. wiggling... pushing... pulling himself out. stretching + and constricting. he worked himself futher out. he tried with all his + might. + + "i think i can... i think i can... " + + "he'll never do it." + + "i think i can... i think i can... " + + the poop worked. the poop stretched & constricted again. + + "he'll never do it." + + "i think i can... i think i can... " + + the poop gave it one last effort... with a great "arg@!#" and an + extra "umph." hanging by a small thread the poop gave out a hideous + sinster laugh. he urged forward. he lundged futher on, and with a + small "pluck@!#" he came completly free. one "sploosh@!" later he found + himself sorrounded by water. he faught with the current.. and as the + air aged in him he slowly began to drown. he found his fate. he worked + for his own death. as the final breaths left in him.. drizzled out.. he + choked a final "guhblahukumerf@!" and sunk-away in the swirl of blue. + + !!========================================================================!! + + "How to Break into an Abandoned house" + by Everlast [9/10/94] + + What you need: A flashlight + Mace/Pepper spray + A touch explosive (Optional) + + Breaking into an abandon house is fairly easy. You need to plan this + out before you actually do it, though. Here's some definite things you + need to plan out. If you see a person there or something moves, MACE! + Even if it was just a rat, it won't bother you the rest of the time! + And another even FUNNER way to do it is the touch explosive. One thing + for a touch explosive is those snappers that you throw on the ground, + but open lots of them up (BE CAREFUL) and make a huge one. It packs a + lot of power. You DEFINETELY need at least 3 people. These people + help assure your enterance and also you won't get in as much trouble. + Make sure you wear crappy clothes because these damn houses are filled + with dust and spider webs and shit. + + First thing to do: Look for an entrance that is not visible to + houses, roads, etc. If the entrance is a window - try to open it. + This is the best way. If this doesn't work, DO NOT BREAK IT! That is + hard evidence that someone broke into the house. Look for a door or + another window that opens. you find a door not visible to + houses/streets, kick it open. This may sound stupid because doors are + hard to kick open, but not in abandoned house it is probably eaten up + by termites. After open, it's easy from there. Go into the house. + Some people might think it's smart to yell "Hello?", but think about + it. If you were at your house and you hear the door being kicked open + and someone yells "Hello?" would you answer? No, I think you'd go for + your 40 gague. Well look around! If you hear or see ANY sign that + somebody is living there, GET THE FUCK OUT! Ways to look for signs + of someone living there look at the phone books, letters, things like + that. The plan: Check the downstairs first. A few thing will be in + here that are good to get. Second: Check the second floor. Look for + a bedroom. The bedroom is where a tv or a stereo would proabaly be, + and they might also be in the downstairs. Third: ATTIC! This is the + jackpot. Boxes and boxes and boxes. Check all the boxes. Here's  + where I found most of my stuff. + + Things to remember while you are looking through the house: + + 1. Try to avoid windows. If anyone sees you you're in deep shit. + 2. At any floor above the second, look for pillars on the floor. + Step on the pillars because these houses are so damn old the + floor could break at any second. + 3. DO NOT go in the basement. The steps are so old that they could + break. And if you get stuck in the basement you'll be in trouble. + If you were on the second or third floor you could always jump out + a window. + 4. Be careful! If you leave any evidence that someone was there they + could go searching the neighborhood. Make sure the door is shut + tight, and make sure if you opened any windows that you shut them. + + Here's some things I found when I went into an abandoned house: + + 1. Two speakers (HUGE) + 2. A camera (Sortof old but could sell) + 3. A GUN (Real old, probably doesn't work) + 4. Lots and lots of pennies (Worth at least $20) + 5. A Television (Old, proably works though) + 6. Lots of books (Your right, who the hell cares) + 7. A knife (Pretty good one) + 8. An alarm clock (Plug in one, again who the fuck cares) + 9. A set of silverware (WHO THE FUCK CARES!) + 10. Batteries (Expired in '91, still might work) + 11. A pinball machine (I have no idea why nobody took this already) + + Consequences if someone catches you: + + 1. Juvenile Court (For trespassing/breaking and entering) + 2. Warning (Don't do it again, youngin'!) + 3. Community Service/Other Services + + The best way to get out of this if someone catches you say "I didn't + know" or say "it was just our secret clubhouse". + + It was a dark, dark night. My friends and I were at this party + at this ugly girl's house and it got really boring. The "highlight" of + the party was playing spin the bottle for hugs. We had heard that the + hottest girl in our school, Adriene Wolff was going to be there. Those + fuckin liars. Why we thought that the hottest girl would be at this + party was beyond me. So....as the party dragged on and on...I said i + had to "go to the little boy's room". As I went upstairs I noticed + that directly next to her house was an abandon house, or so it seemed. + I looked closer. Nope, no sign of life there. Well me and my "bad" + self thought of something. I went downstairs and talked to my friends + about it. We decided that we'd all sneak upstairs and go out to that + abandon house. So that's what we did. Little did I know what would + happen next. + + The door kicked open fairly easy, and my dumbass friend yelled + "Hello?". Shithead. I told him that he was a stupid fuck for yelling + that. Well we entered. We stared at all the cobwebs in the house. + What a "scary" effect. Well we looked through the downstairs. Nothing. + I expected to find something, anything. We were all VERY dissapointed. + We all glanced upstairs simultaneously, and we rushed to see who would + get there first. I did, not that I'm the fastest runner of all of us + though. I saw what appeared to be two bedrooms. I looked in both of + them. All they had was books. "Awww...... shit!", I yelled. + + Well as I looked on, I saw this rat. It scared the shit out of + me. With the mace I stole from the "party girl's" mom's purse, I hit + the rat directly in the left eye. I called all of my frinds in to + watch the fun. I've done it before, and it really is cool to watch. + But as I watched this one, it seemed different from the others. It + looked like it was hurt, but it's eyes weren't tearing or he wasn't + rubbing them or anything. As we all watched further, the rat seemed to + be growing larger. My friend had a homeade M100 with him, and he was + as scared as all of us. He was the one who shouted out "Hello?" as we + entered, and I didn't think he would've been as smart as he was. He + lit off the M100 right on top of the rats head. The rat twiched for a + moment, but still began to grow larger and larger. It grew almost as + high as my left knee, and was fat as shit. So my friends and I did what + every smart person would do....run. The wind was howling through the + half open window. + + As we were running, we thought we heard the wind. Except the + wind doesn't manually pump a shotgun. In one second my best friend + Kevin was shot in the back. As I looked behind myself, I saw a tall + black figure but I couldn't focus on the face. I ran as fast as + possible, and so did my friends, but it wasn't fast enough for one of + my friends. Once more, a shot fired. I heard a grunt, and a fall. I + ran out the door faster, faster, and faster. I didn't waste time and + stop at the party house, I ran straight to the police station, about + 2 miles away. I told them what had happened, and they put me in a car + and drove with the sirens on to the house. As I could see everyone + from the party was standing outside, staring. I looked at all of + their faces. Shock. The policemen entered, I followed one of them, + they looked around the first floor, and I directed them to the second. + They told me to get in the car. I couldn't believe it. I wish I saw + that face. I thought about it for at least 10 minutes. A policeman + came close to the car and looked at me. He said, "Is this some kind + of joke?". "No officer, I saw two of my best friends being shot in + that house!". "Well son, you must be seeing things because all we + found in that house was spiderwebs and bat shit." + + Just remember: + + THIS TEXT ARTICLE IS JUST FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY! (Hehehehe) + + !!========================================================================!! + + "My stufsfsfsfs" + by Kaos [10/94] + + These questions inside my head keep popping up one after + another. The world a bitter hellhole, where slaves of themselves roam + around with no rules. Socitey thanks the rich, spits on the poor and + anyone in between is caught in a cauldrin of hate. From mice, to men, + to all. The death of the law had come at no better time than now. When + else could we rise up and avenge the endless bullshit that mindlessly + pours through society while filled with rage and anger. Hell is inside + of us all and the truth is far from being exposed. The brilliant die + young and all who follow die with them. What is this mindless crap + inside of our heads? Who cares? The scum of the earth are not the + evil, they are the gifted. The only things men have brought upon + themselves is tools designed for destruction NOT for the purpose of + harmony and peace. I can't explain these questions inside my head. + Generation gaps maybe. Who can know what truly lurks within them? + The gods, the rulers, and the dead... + + !!========================================================================!! + + "Tales of a Troubled Chick" + by Anjee [10/98] + + over the hills and far away, teletubbies come to play. + + *pause* + + + + once upon a time, there was a girl named angie. quite an odd + girl she was. she would spend countless hours typing away to seemingly + non-existant beings over some little wonder called "irc". however, the + fact that she has no life in no way relates to the story i'm about to + spit out. or does it? i don't know, you be the judge. + + anyway, one day, little miss angie's tummy started to harrass + her for food. food, of course, would be considered as something + edible that can be cooked in 10 minutes or less. SO. angie raided her + home, in search for something to fill her tiny little belly. as she + opened the freezer door, a box of delicious-looking smartie ice cream + magically appeared in front of her eyes. as if angie was caught in + some kind of a trance, she slowly retrieved the ice cream from the + freezer and fled to the kitchen for a spoon. + + time quickly passed as angie scraped the bottom of the box + (there wasnt much smartie ice cream left anyway, she wasnt a pig i + think). anyhow, as she digested her tasty but pathetic excuse for + food, angie felt the need to pay a visit to mister potty. as she let + human excrements flee from anus, she felt enormously relieved. she + stood up and flushed the toilet. however, she accidently glanced at + what her body had just rejected and what did she see? *gasp* angie + saw a smartie! a whole green smartie. + + um.. + + heh. + no, ok. bye. + + !!========================================================================!! + + "Every Day" + by Magimaster [12/95] + + { I put this self-description in for you cause I didn't know if I was } + { supposed to write it or not. Delete all lines encased in braces } + + magimaster; writer - a newbie. still trying to figure out the language + of the elite. a combatant looking for a new place to battle. a + seeker of knowledge and a wanter of power. the magimaster is + considered by friends and classmates as being 'too nice.' you + can never be too nice. though he's never surfed the net, he + seems to creep knowledge out of places where others have failed. + + ÖÄÄ + ÇÄ + ÓÄÄvery morning i seem to awaken in the same fashion. a small + pocket of anarchy flops around in my head trying to return me to the + unruling world of sleep. i struggle every day with it; some days it is + more powerful than others. on most days, i can overcome it. sometimes, + it is just too powerful for me and i drift off into a dream. but when i + can overcome it, then things get even more interesting. i must suddenly + realize that i am no longer in the phantacy world that i just departed + from. no, i am now in the real world. so i go downstairs to be greeted + by a bitchy little 13 year old sister whining about the b+ she got on + her report card. great. it's even better when my mom sends _her_ up to + awaken me. she has this really bad habit of putting our ferocious but + friendly kitten on my face to wake me up. well, at least she does a + good job. but anyways, back to downstairs. + + so i go out to the kitchen, then suddenly realizing what i'm + wearing, and wander back upstairs to get dressed. after all, i don't + think too many people would appreciate it if i came to school in boxers. + now i'm in my room. suddenly that little pocket of anarchy, which has + now been shoved into the back of my head, taps my visual cortex and sees + my bed. it leaps forth, urging me to let today go to hell and sleep. + it uses the most evasive ploys to do so too, like "it's really night. + go to sleep," or "you might want to think about that offer your mom + made about your allowance being raised here, sleep on it." yeah. + right. i proceed to shove it back to it's previous resting place and + get dressed. i notice that i don't have anything to wear. i return to + the kitchen only to find that my clothes are sitting on the ironing + board. shit. i just wasted 15 minutes on nothing. great. so then i + get dressed. i pour myself a massive bowl of corn flakes with about a + cup of sugar, only to find there's no milk. then i hear my sister + behind me say to my mom "oh, i forgot to tell you last night that we + needed milk." double shit. throwing the damn corn flakes away, i + proceed to scold my sister, only to be scolded by my mother. hell of + a day. so i get to school. of all the stupidly ironic things to + happen, i get a pint of milk spilled on me, and my 145 point physics + project. triple shit. what a morning. i could write you a whole 10 + page essay on just one day of my life. bad days suck. + + !!========================================================================!! + + "Calling All Assholes" + by Phairgirl [11/98] + + Man, I hate nice guys. + + I like to fuck evil men who slap me around, treat me like the + bitch I am. + + You got short hair? FUCK YOU. I want a long haired, crazy + bastard who can put away a fifth of JD and not even feel it. + + Where's your fucking motorcycle? Christ, you can't get a hard-on + from driving a Honda Civic. And I'm not going to get off riding in the + back, either. + + And when you're not busy fucking me, you better be fucking my + best friend. She's a crazy, loose whore who likes to ruin my life. + Doesn't get any better than that. + + Knock me up and deny you're the father. Man, that's the shit I + live and die for. Lie about every place you go, cuz I don't wanna know + about all the volunteering you do at the nursing home. When you're + out, you better be out with the boys, hustling pool and busting up the + bars. + + High school graduates are such a turn-off. And that pussy-ass + GED tells me, you care more about your mind than fucking. You can't + fuck your mind, asshole. + + Just shut the fuck up, hit me with a bottle of Corona, throw me + down and spread my legs, baby. I don't want a nice guy. I wanna PARTY!! + WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! + + !!========================================================================!! + + "Jubjub's Guide to Story-making" + by Nybar [7/96] + + Jubjub: "First.. get an idea. Then write it down. Make sure to + use grammar proper. Also.. make sure it has correct + spelling. Then.. come back an hour later and redo it" + Nybar: "Uh huh" + Jubjub: "Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah" + Nybar: "Ok" + Jubjub: "blahblbahblahblahblah" + Nybar: "Yeah" + Jubjub: "blablahblahblahblahblah" + Nybar: "I gotchya" + Jubjub: "Blahblahblahblahblah" + Nybar: "Oh yeah.. me too" + Jubjub: "Now go and write the best story you've ever written!" + Nybar: "OK!! + + And then I wrote this and gave it to him. HAHAHA$#@! + + !!========================================================================!! + + "Priests" + by Oodles [4/96] + + i always wondered what goes on in a priests mind when you tell + them all of your sins. being a holy man (the priest that is, not me, + hell i'm not even a man), the priest can't really convey his feelings + (or so i thought), so he has to keep them inside, which must be pretty + damn sexually frustrating for him. recently, i went to confession. + being the good catholic girl i am, i felt obligated to tell all of my + sins to this lucky priest. it was a face-to-face confession, which as + many of you catholics out there know, is quite frustrating. you don't + get to sit in that little secluded box where the priest can't see your + face, you have to look him straight in the eye and tell him + _everything_. i had a few tiny bad things which i had done (bad by the + church's standards that is anyhow), so i was especially uncomfortable + telling them to this priest, but i did it anyway. i'm a strong girl, + hear me roar. roaaarrrrr! the following is the conversation between + me and this priest. let's call him father perv. + + (enter the room and sit down facing this fat hairy blob of a + priest.) + + father perv : hello my child. + me : um. bless me father for i have sinned. it has been + one year since my last confession and these are my sins. + + (long silent pause while my eyes gaze around the room.) + + me : um. well. i did some things which my boyfriend which + i feel a little guilty about. + father perv : touching, or all the way? (making some funny arm action + like a drunken man in a bar finding out about his + friends sex ventures from the previous night.) + me : um, all the way... + + (father locks me in an uncomfortable stare.) + + father perv : did you enjoy it? oh how many occasions did this occur? + [and other various questions totally irrelevant to the + absolution/confession itself. i was waiting for him to + ask what i was wearing at the time and if i had happened + to have video taped it and would be willing to loan him + a copy to have his way with.] + me : um.. i don't know. it was with my boyfriend. i love him + and stuff. + + (father perv asks more questions making me feel more and more + uneasy as the seconds pass. finally after questioning me for a good + twenty minutes, he asks if i had any other sins which i felt guilty + about. maybe he was expecting some tales of masturbation or other + things which he could pry into and get off on. i respond with basic + things such as being mean to a parent or something stupid normally + confessed by a 3rd grader.) + + father perv : okay. say ten hail marys and 3 our fathers. + me : thank you father. + + (i get up and prepare to exit the room as quickly as my legs can + take me.) + + father perv : hey. wait. one more thing. next time, _KEEP YOUR LEGS + TOGETHER_. + + (i almost fainted. a priest. telling me to keep my legs + together? a priest!? what the fuck was going on. a holy man as he, + saying such lude things to a 16 year old girl in a catholic high school? + i proceeded to ignore his comment and walk out of the room shutting the + door behind me. father didn't take anyone else for confession for the + rest of that day, and mysteriously kept that door shut and did not come + out. i don't even want to know what he was doing in there. sigh.) + + !!========================================================================!! + + "h0e & Me" + by Orestes [8/96] + + +-----------------------------+---------------------------------------+ + | .,.,. _____ | | + | ':`-.`` | \____ | | + | :;.. ) | | | before i started writing for h0e, i | + | `:: -| | | | was very confused. i lived my life | + | -~-~~~- |___________| | with much free time, but i couldn't | + | | | | | | honestly say that i was ever happy. | + | | | |____________| | | + | | | + +---------------------+-------+--------------+------------------------+ + | | | .xx. | + | | | //..\\ | + | even the sex with | & it wasn't that | /(.__.)\ | + | my girlfriend was | she didn't meet my | __.---' `---.__ | + | not fun. it left | obnoxiously normal | ( o )( o ) | + | me unsatisfied. | american ideals. | \ / | + | | | | | | + | | | | + +---------------------+----------------+-----+------------------------+ + | | | + | | | + | but when everyone saw me and mogel | indeed, my stardom brought | + | chilling out together on irc chans | with it the perquisites of | + | they realized that i was something | a bonafide celebrity: | + | not to be ignored. they became my | | + | friends. & my lovers. | "all mah boys" | + | | | + | | | + +--------------------------------------+------------------------------+ + | .-. \-/ .-. vv | + | | ' (o o) ` | / || \ |o.| | + | | ).-.`-'.-.( | | __ | |, | | + | |___ ___| | () | -- | + | [__ __] \____--____/ || | + | | + | m0g #acid cerkit | + | | + +---------------------------------------------------------------------+ + | 0YZGETCH1X-*-H0EMENGETB0YZ-*-H0EB0YZGETCH1X-*-H0EMENGETB0YZ-*-H0EB0 | + +---------------------------------------------------------------------+ + + !!========================================================================!! + + "Real Life Story" + by Apollo [10/96] + + this is from real life. + + a guy who works with me tells a story. it goes something like + this: + + "one day, i thought i could improve the work morale around here, + by taking a dump and not just letting gas out all day in the office. + so i go to the bathroom, but NO! there's somebody reading a paper in + there. can't people like, hurry up?" + + oh, hummn. + + !!========================================================================!! + + "Pay Attention, You Might Learn Something" + by Lucky [4/95] + + ok this is my new rady-rad insert for h0e, sure to be a classic. + + hey asshole! yeah i'm speaking to you turn off your snoop + doggy-dog and your nin and listen closely. i bet you did it too haha. + why are you even sitting in front of your computer, i bet you just got + off a chat board somewhere and you're all depressed because nothing + exciting happened like usual. well guess what!? nothing exciting is + ever gonna happen while you're sitting in front of your computer, shit + why am i even sitting in fron of my computer i'll tell you why we're all + doing the same shit day in and day out because it's gotten into a + routine out computer is now our best friend. + + and why to we even waste out time going onto these "chat + boards" because we think that the people on there are out 'friends' and + because we get really cool 'elite' files. bullshit we do this because + we have nothing better to do. if i asked anyone of you including myself + to not use your computer for a week you couldn't do it it's like smoking + you're used to it, it's become part of your life, now isn't that + pathetic. from here on out none of you will see me untill september + first, exactly a month after my birthday which is when i'll pull the + plug on this infernal thing. + + i've seen people cry over what other people think about them on + a board, some people think what they say and who they talk to really + matter, some people say they want to meet people get a fucking life hit + the power switch and go talk to real people. get a job, help senior + citizens, jerk off, do something productive. the reason for all of this + is because i've gotten sick of what i've been seeing i'll go on a board + and people will have their own little groups and they'll talk and laugh + and make fun of people just for something to do, then they'll critisize + people and get all bent out of shape when someone says something to + them, + + also i've seen staff on these boards actualy think they have some + sort of power that nobody else can have and they try to save the little + uptight asshole in the telconferance like they're a super hero. "i have + moofing power" was actualy said to me once "you can't do that" "why not?" + "because i said so and i'm staff" "but you're still a dork" instant log + off. i've also seen users to mistake this key that a sysop gives them + for power, "hey look at me i have arrest power!" well fuck them too, + they're dorks also and then after all that they have the nerve to ask + people to pay for their shitty board. + + well my final thought is, turn off and lock your computer for a + week see if you can do it, then if u can last a week try a month and see + if you can do that too, then after you do that then you can write me + mail saying how wrong i was but untill then shut up. + + !!========================================================================!! + + "...And On A Boring Afternoon" + by Styx [3/13/97] + + hey!! look at me!! i took over the porn mecca of IRC, #sexpics!! + + *** Log file opened: 3/13/97 1:40:06 PM + *** styx [dropdead@ip66.phila7.pa.pub-ip.psi.net] has joined #sexpics + + [this is where i rode the netsplit in!!! i cut out all of the /joins!!] + + *** styx sets mode: -oooo _Lucy_ |HP| |Minus| |Orion| + *** styx sets mode: -oooo |TDK| Doom3 Gimp Memorex + *** styx sets mode: -oooo Spyke TruBBle WeBBeR z0s + *** styx sets mode: +si+lk 54 Takeover + *** styx changes topic to "-={UTOPIA-43 v2.3b(pHuCk OvEr MoDe)}=-" + *** styx sets mode: -l + *** styx sets mode: -i-k Takeover + *** styx sets mode: +m + *** styx has kicked _-_ from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked _Lucy_ from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked |HP| from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked |Minus| from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked |Orion| from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked |TDK| from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked adre from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Aka69 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Annb from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Bare from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked BBsT-Away from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked BIG_RED from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked BillG from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked blahboy from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked blond23 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Blood22 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked BlueBoo from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked C-BOY from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Crier from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Decay from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Devilinme from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Doom3 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Eight from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Festival from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Freejack2 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked GANGSTA`S from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Gimp from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked hemingway from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked janet26 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked jay_1 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Julie_14 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked killed from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked leafsrule from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked leo2 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked manson14 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Memorex from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked MrB from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked nills from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked NOPPES from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked poppee from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked RiotGirl from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked rocketfue from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Schmack from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked shadow from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Space-Hog from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked spank from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Spyke from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked stacie5 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked stud19 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked sUdden from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Tough_Guy from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked WeBBeR from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked Wes88 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked x-man from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked z0s from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx has kicked EPNK79 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) + *** styx [dropdead@ip66.phila7.pa.pub-ip.psi.net] has left #sexpics + *** Log file closed: 3/13/97 2:11:03 PM + + !!========================================================================!! + + "How To Get Passed School Metal Detectors" + by The Terrorist [12/94] + + Welcome, you are about to embark on the first HoE writing by + The Terrorist. This week you'll learn the tricks of the trade on how to + go passed those damn metal detectors at your school. I was inspired to + write this after seeing all my boyz and da niggaz from my school getting + arrested cause they were to stupid to hide their weapons. + + So, its about 8am and your ready to go to school, all dressed up + in your Polo (tm.) gear with your Fila (tm.) kix, your beeper, your + blade, your nickle plated nine, or whatever you bring with you depending + on how bad you think you are. When you arrive at school you happen to + notice that all the people are directed to go in the same door, and that + all the other ones are locked. Guess what.. Your school is having a + search today. + + Thinks That Will Get Confiscated: + + Guns (errr durr) + Knifes + Beepers / Cellular Phones + Drugs + Cigarettes / Blunts + Matches / Lighters / Zippo's + Playing cards / dice + Mace / Pepper Gas + Those small wooden baseball bats + And anything else that could be used for violence I didnt mention. + + Things you can do from here: + + (a) Do the smart thing, leave school and go home (thats if no one + has seen you, cause every now and then you have your + occasional asshole that'll rat you for leaving and then say + you probably had a weapon on you). + + (b) Go hide your weapon/beeper whatever in the field around your + school, maybe somewhere that you can get back to after school + or during your lunch or some other time convienent for you. + + (c) Try to plant it in someone elses school bag and let them get + busted for it, and watch them scream and cry cause they got + arrested. This is a great tactic to do on like a major dork, + the one who gets straight A's, and asks for extra credit on a + test that they only got a 94 on while you and the rest of the + class either failed or just barely passed. + + Now all of these ways work and do not get you in trouble, but + chances are its easier to get caught and you might not see your "tools" + again. + + Now I've come up with a few ways to get the stuff in and past the + metal detectors that have worked for the people I have told them to. + + As for smokes they are not metal and are very easily to hide down + the front of your pants of if your wearing a long sleaved shirt, roll the + sleaves up and stuff your cigs and blunts in there. The same for drugs, + they too, can not be detected with metal detectors, but they can be + detected with dogs if your school has them there. As for lighters and + matches, just hand them over... They won't dont anything to you if you + have them, except for take them from you. + + As for Knives take them and stuff them in a folder in your book + bag. I've noticed that when they go through and search your bags and + coats they only put there hands around the bottom and feel for shit + like guns. If you put it in your folder, chances are they won't check + there. + + For guns thats kind of tricky. I recommend just going to a + soccer field or football field and burring it somewhere, so that you can + get to it later. Its not worth bringing it into school, if they scan + anything your dead. + + Playing cards and dice are strange... Sometimes they see them + and do nothing, other times they just take them from you.. no matter, + they are really cheap items, and well try putting them on the bottom of + your school bag, down your pants, or in the folder. But even if they do + get them, just puy another set after school. I'm sure if your on a + computer reading this you can afford the 2 bucks for a good pack of + bicycle cards. + + Well this is all from me on this subject. I just tryed to point + out a few ways of getting your "supplies" into school without getting + caught. If you read this you should have no problem, if you do by + chance get caught, you probably fucked it up yourself, cause these have + been tested and proven to work by Philly High School kids. + + Welp. The terrorist is leaving the editor.. please take your + seats until I have told you other wise. + + Props Go To: + + Mogel: Here you go. + The Wizard: Yo, hook me up with your old board. + Mis-fuckedup-hindu-bitch: I'm comming to get you, you dot headded + Motherfucker. Try and diss me again bitch. + And the rest of you modem motherfuckers that I missed: Get off My LOG! + + This File Was Brought to You By The Terrorist. + Questions, comments, contact me through Mogel Land HoE WHQ: + + Mad Props: + + Crank: Any Time, Any Place ;) + The Intimidator: Weez' chillin tonight? + + !!========================================================================!! + + "I'm Fucking Mad" + by Sinister Sheep + [Originally written for HOE #90 (7/25/95), but not included.] + + alt.angst.for.donuts article 571 of [571,571] (0 unseen) + + From: sinsheep@escape.com (The Sinister Sheep) + Subject: I'M FUCKING MAD@!#!1 + Organization: HOG: HoE Organization of Groupies + Lines: 13 + + Fuck the preps!@ Fuck the earwax!@ Fuck the boogers!! Fuck + the gastronemic releases! It all boils down to one question: + + " Am I the only one brave enough to admit I pee in the shower?" + + YEAH. + + and I'll be waiting by the box for your pee + and I'll take it all and put it back in me + and then I'll recycle it into my drain + and no, there's nothing wrong with my brain + + I just like piss. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #398, WRITTEN BY VARIOUS ARTISTS, 1/4/98 !! + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0399.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0399.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..34039c39 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0399.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1652 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #399 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Intentional HOE Rejects" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> The HOE Staff !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/4/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Most writing that's produced by anyone sucks. Most of the time, + it's by accident. This time, it's not. In the true spirit of HOE, many + staff members were asked to write the most terrible (or at least the + stupidest) text file they could. Some of it will be parody, some of it + will pointless, but all of it will be bad. The staff members that did + manage write for this issue are (in order of appearance): + + Quarex, Tasha, Paganini, Caitlin, Avenger, Cyn, Isaac, Squinky, + Art, AnonGirl, Anjee, AltRocks, Daisy, Mutter, The Jester, + Kreid, LilNilHil, Meenk, Styx, Teerts, Mogel, Neko, Darwin, + Nybar, Swiss Pope, Phairgirl, and Trilobyte. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "MY CAT IS AWESOME" + -> by Quarex + + My cat is SO WEIRD! Okay, you know how most cats are not weird, + right? Well mine IS weird. He is SO TOTALLY CRAZY. When we got him + we thought he was a SHE hehe so we named HIM/HER "Buttercup." He was + responding to our abbreviation of "B.C." by the time we picked him up + and took him to the vet to get checked out. Well, as luck would have + it, the vet told us she was a HE! WEIRD! So, we thought, naturally, + Buttercup is a pretty fucking sissy name for a guy cat, so we changed + it to "Peanut Butter-Cup," or P.B.C. for short, but he still just + responded to B.C. + + You think that is weird enough, you should hear what we did a few + years ago! I was getting to that age where I realized that I was really + smart, so I decided to give my cat a super-awesome new name. I was with + Ryuu, and we got out a dictionary, and decided to pick out a new name by + picking two random words from "B" and "C." So, I picked it up, and the + two words I got - honest to Odin! - were "Baseplate" and "Cavalcade." + And thus, my cat's name became Baseplate Cavalcade. + + And if you think that is not weird enough, there are a lot of + weird things he does, too. When he was younger, this guy named Roy used + to come hang out with me. He took my cat and tossed him in the air one + time, while he was sick, and so he landed on his back. Ever since then, + my cat acted kinda weird. Roy is in jail now, for attempted murder. + He never really liked me much. + + So my cat acts weird. He is terrified of people walking around, + if they are loud. That is probably because he always used to sit in the + kitchen and watch my mom make food, but then my mom would always step + backwards by accident, onto his tail. He would scream, which was always + really sad to hear, and then run off and be asd for a long time. + + Also, he knows how to grab doorknobs and turn them to open doors + sometimes. He does not always do it, but he has done it a lot before. + He also only drinks out of faucets, so we have to turn them on for him. + + The very best thing about my cat is that he understands English. I + know he does, he just cannot speak it, because his poor little vocal + cords cannot support english.lib. + + I guess I am out of weird things that my cat does. But I love him. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Dis Shit Is Mad Deep, Yo" + -> by Tasha + + GaWd EeS a GeWd ThAnG. jEsUs EeS mUh LoRd aNd SaViOr. WhEn YeW + aRe In TrUbBlE, aSk YeRsElF, "wHuT wOuLd JeSuS dEw?!?!" ThIs WiLl HeLp + YeW gEt ThRu YeR dAy. ChUrCh iS hElD oN SuNdAYs, Or HoLiDaYs, AnD I + aLwAyS gO tO ChUrCH. It HeLpS Me GeT ThrU mY DaY. aT cHurCh, I lEaRn + tO aCcEpT JeSuS iNtO mY wiDDlE hEaRT. I aLSo GeT GroPEd bY tHE PastOr, + aNd The OthEr JeSuS WorShiPoRz! It GivEs ME MaNY oRgasmS, whIch Also + HelP mE gEt ThRU my Day. + + ThAt Is AlL! plam zami poom dink spoo bork tarr fooz! + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "I'm Full of Love" + -> by Paganini + + There are a lot of women that I don't like. I do not like + Natalie Merchant. She sways her hips too much. I do not like Alanis + Morissette, for obvious reasons. I do not like that blonde woman from + the movie _An Officer And A Gentlemen_, especially when she is in the + factory and she yells "you go Paula," as Richard Gear carries Debra + Winger out of the paper factory and onto her new life. She's just a + tramp. I mean, just look at the way she made the other guy (I think + his name is Sid) kill himself. He swallowed a ring at the hotel. I + also do not like Deanna Troy from Star Trek. Call me crazy, but she + just bothers me. I don't like Kate Winslet (and also dislike her + cohort, Leonardo Dicaprio--make him go away). + + I do not like any woman who was popular during the eighties and + ceases to be popular now--excluding Annie Lenox, whom I can stand, but + still dislike a little. I can't stand Kathy Lee Gifford, and perhaps + that is only because she has made herself to be the only middle aged + cheerleader on television. Who names their son Cody anyway? I would + name a horse Cody, or I would name a rugged looking man Cody, but I + would not name my son Cody. Incidentally, I like Jack Palance. I have + a feeling that I would not like Helen of Troy, if she actually existed, + and I knew her. I met some girls at Marshall Fields yesterday. They + were complaining about how all the small sizes of clothing were too big + for them, and their anorexically abused bodies. Yeah, I don't like them + either. I don't like Tori Spelling. I don't like Shannon Dohorty. I do + like Phil Collins because he reminds me of this nice neighbor that I + used to have that ate Grahame crackers atop his porch with his wife, + Toni, who later became a model. I don't like her. Some girl once sent + my ex-boyfriend a naked picture of herself. I didn't like her then but + I can stand her now. I don't like any of the female newscasters on the + local networks here. They are all twitchy and they move their heads too + much. I like Tom Brokaw. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "The Day I Shot The President" + -> by Caitlin + + "You fuckin' cracker, get the hell away from me," I said to the + girl with the blue eyes, and the long barbie doll, blonde hair. + + "Like, whatever!" she yelled back at me, tossing her hair over + her shoulder, and making the most awful sneer she could possibly contort + her face into. + + !!=======!! + + I hate white people, yessiry, I do. They smell like shit, and + they have funny noses, and funny teeth, and thin, ugly lips, and fat + heads. Their women have flat butts, and small breasts, and their men + stand like they gotta fat cucumber lodged in their asshole. + + Even though my momma was white, it don't matter none, cuz she + didn't smell, her nose wasn't pointy, she had some full lips, and her + head wudn't fat. + + I started hatin' white people about the time my momma passed on.. + yeah.. she been in heaven for 'bout 5 years or so.. I was 8 years old.. + and I was playin' on the playground with my best frien' Judy (she was + white) and this group of boys came up to us and told us to folla them + behind this big tree that was out there. They held Judy back first and + started pullin' my hair and callin' me all sorsa bad things... like + "stupid nigga" an' "slave girl" an' "dirt" an' all sorsa stuff that I + only seen in movies.. + + They let Judy go... and she just ran away hid on one of the + playground contraptions.. then the boys took turns puttin' their dicks + in my mouth... I felt dirty and ashamed... but anyway, this where my + story beginning... the day I shot the president, and then had a lesbian + orgy with his wife and the Vice President's wife. + + *** beginning + + Marchin' along the road I mettan old gypsy woman who had fat + breasts and a large penis sticking through her open fly. I took out my + shotgun and punched her in her fat fucking face. Then this tree started + talking to me and i sawed it in half, then I slit my wrists and died. + It sucked. Yupp. mmmm hmm. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "See" + -> by Avenger + + hee! this a poem I wrote when I was wasted off my mind! + + here goes! + + See. + I am tired. + Oh Shit. + Shit is bad. + I should take a shit. + Ahh. Shit. + Mr. Shit the Christmas Shit. + Shitty old Mogel said that once. + + See. + I am worthless. + Man, this sucks. + That one ho sucks, too. + Sucks my schlong. + Ahh. Schlong. + Watergate has nothing to do with my schlong. + Schlong-ass Richard Nixon said that once. + + See. + I vomit. + It is green-yellow vomit. + Bad, mistreated grass is green-yellow. + I should be green-yellow. That would be elite. + Ahh. Elite. + 3y3 4m 31337! + Some Elite-ass hacker said that once. + + See. + I broke my pencil. + This is bad. + I will stop writing now. + Writing with a broken pencil is hard. + + hee! Now didn't you enjoy that? + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "How To Make a Cake in College" + -> by Cyn + + You will need: + + Several friends, at least one friend with flex dollars, and at + least one friend in a co-op. Something to procrastinate and/or + boredom and/or someone's birthday. A rilly disgusting dorm kitchen. + + 1) Get aforementioned friends together. + 2) Discuss how you are procrastinating/bored/it's someone's birthday. + 3) Decide to make a cake. + 4) Everyone should go to the Decafe. + 5) Who ever has flex dollars should buy cake mix, frosting, and at + least one of the following: Cheez-its, coffee, a bagel, popcorn, + cookies, chocolate chips, candy, gum, ice cream, bread. + 6) You should all walk back to your dorm. + 7) On the way back to the dorms, discover the cake mix requires eggs. + 8) Everyone should go to your friend's co-op to steal eggs. + 9) Everyone should return to the dorm, and go back to the kitchen. + 10) Discuss how disgusting the kitchen is. + 11) Discover that someone has stolen both your cake pan and your + vegetable oil. + 12) Curse them loudly and creatively. + 13) Run around asking people if they have a cake pan until you find one + you can borrow. + 14) Find a spoon and a cup. + 15) Arbitrarily declare the spoon and cup to be roughly half a + tablespoon and a cup and a half. Or other random measurements, it + doesn't rilly matter. + 16) Decide you can borrow vegetable oil from someone who left theirs in + the kitchen, since someone apparently borrowed your entire bottle of + vegetable oil. + 17) Ponder what they were doing that required an entire bottle of + vegetable oil. + 18) Mix all the ingredients together, pretending to use the measurements + on the box. + 19) Pour half the mix into the cake pan. + 20) Put cake pan in oven. + 21) Find some activity to do in the kitchen while waiting for the cake + to bake. Suggestions: Reading, writing letters, knitting, making + and drinking tea, ridiculing people who aren't there. + 22) Take cake out of oven. + 23) Check to make sure cake is done. + 24) Put cake back in oven. + 25) Repeat. + 26) Put cake in freezer to cool off so you can frost it. + 27) Put other half of mix in cake pan. + 28) Put cake pan in oven.. + 29) Pull cake out of freezer. + 29) Frost top of cake. + 30) Ignore the fact that the frosting is melting. + 31) Repeat steps 22-26 with other half of cake. + 32) Put other half on cake on top of cake and melting frosting. + 33) Frost the entire mess. Try to put on enough frosting to hide flaws + in the cake (bumps, lumps and cracks) + 34) Discuss how this is the best cake ever. + 35) Wander around giving people cake. Assure them that it's better than + it looks. + 36) Continually discuss the cake for at least a week afterward. Tell + people what a great cake it was, and how they missed out. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Isaac's Bad File" + -> by Isaac + + boom, I am going to show you SOMETHING, read carefully or you + might not understand me in my infinate wisdom. + + "whatever, blah, huh huh" + + No, I am not going to sit here and act like I am smart. I HATE + STUPID PEOPLE... WAAHHHH + + "hey joe, you got my.... " + + Heh, you know... I am really funny and good and blah NEVERMIND + FUCK YOU I HATE YOU!! + + "hoooowwwdddyyy-hhooooo kids" + + I love not to think before I write something. Dont you timmy.. + billy.. whatever your name is... + + "yes" + + Luckily, lunch went smoothly today. Although Erin did remark to + me for eating salad. She said, "You're eating a FRIDAY salad?" (by + Friday they're usually pure brown.) I said, "Hey, it's better than + the rest of the stuff up there." She said, "Would you rather die after + eating something healthy or would you rather die after eating something + good?" I just said, "This is the only good thing up there. The rest is + gross school food." Why the hell should she care what I eat? And she + made absolutely no point. If I had been eating half a cake and a bucket + of lard, I could see why she would criticize me (even though it would + STILL be none of her business). + + uh, *BZZZZT*... YAY!#%$ + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Fucking Ignorant Niggers Attacking White Society and + -> the Ugly Kike Jews Who Control Them With Money and Drugs" + -> by Squinky + + Lee Harvey Oswald? Huh? That's what they'd fucking want you to + believe, those fucking kike media elites, they'd want you to believe + that a lone gunman, a single marine with a bolt action rifle managed to + get off three shots in 2.6 seconds, scoring a kill on one target and + seriously wounding another? Yes, they want you to believe, those + fucking money grubbing assholes, those fucking kikes, they want you to + believe that one single bullet, the so-called MAGIC BULLET ricocheted + through the body of JFK and then Governor of Texas over and over again, + causing 7 wounds. They want you to believe that some small fries little + shit would be communist acting alone went up into the book depository + and deposited himself clearly in the annals of history. + + Well, fuck that. I'm not a fucking tool like Fletcher Prouty or + Jim Garrison or Oliver Stone, so I won't give you no fucking stupid + conspiracy theories. I won't tell you it was the CIA or LBJ or any of + them, no, I won't. I'll tell you who really killed JFK. + + the fucking niggers. + + Yeah. the fucking niggesr jigaboo mother fuckers with their + fucking huge lips and afros and white teeth and spear chucking. yeah, + fuckin' niggers, man, fucking ignorant fucking savages straight from + the jungles singing their OOGABOOGA. + + You know what fucking Chief Justice Warren suppressed from + enterting the files of his hearing? The testimony of hundreds of + witnesses claiming that a horde of armed niggers could be seen + everywhere and they all opened fire up on JFK, ripping his honkey head + open, and then they fucking advanced on Jackie Kennedy and they fucking + gang banged the shit out of that fucking little slut. Yeah, they + stained her fucking pink dress red with blood and white with their + nigger cum. I bet they got all hot thinking about that fuckin bitch + covered in their fucking nigger spooge fucking jigaboo little sperm + swimming down her alimentary canal and being shit out her fucking ass. + yeah, except Jackie O wasn't going to do no shitting, ah ha ha, no, not + voluntarily, because they stuck a bunch of spade cocks up that shit. + yeah... sad eyed lady of the blowlands.. ahhah aha. fucking shit. + + Well, who put the fucking savbages up to it? We all know niggers + can't fucking think. We all know they ain't got a fucking brain in their + heads, right fellas, so who the fuck put those fuckers up to that shit? + + The fucking Kikes. Fucking long island harmonica style fucking + crimped hair whores screaming out orders at the nigger alliance, fucking + telling those fucking niggers to go kill the president. So they did, + following orders like the fucking obidient dogs they were. Like to train + me a bunch of white dogs if I could, he he he, but I can't, all Ic an do + is tell the truth about the fucking jews and fucking niggers. + + You know what else the jews did? they fucking made LBJ resign. + In 1968, there was a secret meeting of hte democrats between LBJ, RFK, + Goldwater, and three jews known as XYZ. And they fucking said, they + said it right out, "LBJ, WE ARE AGAINST THE VIETNAM WAR." + + Now, before you start applauding their oh-so-fashionable protest + of the oh-so-unjust war, let me tell you something. LBJ was one of the + best presidents we had. He saw the nigger problem and he saw the gook + problem and he said, "LET THOSE FUCKING BASTARDS KILL EACH OTHER TO + DEATH." He was trying for racial purity. and the fucking jews saw that + LBJ was killing off their tools, burning them with napalm and ripping + them to shreds with AKs, and they said in the secret meeting of the + democracts, they fuckign said, "IF LBJ CONTINUES TO RUN, WE WILL STOP + FUNDING THE DEMOCRATS", so what the fuck do you know, the next day LBJ + is announcing he won't seek reelection. So the nigger population is + back up, like their overly ripe nigger cocks, wanting to marry white + girls, wanting to marry my daughters. + + Oh yeah, those jews got their hands in everything. EVER-Y-THING. + You think they were all burning and dying in world war II? Fuck no. + World War II was the Jewish population In America getting the government + to go protect their vacation resorts, A.K.A., the DEATH CAMPS. The + fucking Nazis they knew that the jews oculdn't fucking use the vacation + resorts anymore, because they weren't parying taxes on them, so they + started to invade. And of course, what do the fucking european jews do? + They call across the ocean to their kike brothers and say, "Get ol' + Hymie FDR Rosenthal to fucking invade! We need our fucking vacation + resorts back! WE can't stand for this sort of resistance to our Z.O.G. + (Zionist Occupational Government)." So the jews go and pay fucking + Hirohito sixteen million dollars to bomb pearl harbor, giving Toho plans + and military routines, just to make sure all the carriers are there, and + then BOOM, america is in Europe, liberating the fucking CLub Med of Zion. + Those fucking arrognat jew assholes. + + It's all bad. Anything, man, look at anything, it's all cuzza + the jews. ANything. This shit with Iraq, what's that about? It's about + Israel, the fucking JEWS TAX FREE COUNTRY SUCKING MONEY FROM AMERICA AND + ALL THE REST OF THE JEWNITED NATIONS wanted to keep down the + Palestinians. Fucking endless shit, becauise of those fucking jews. + + I don't got much more to say, except kill niggesr and jews. + fucking assholes. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "My Hat From Wales" + -> by Art + + do you like my hat? + + i like my hat. it's from wales. it's a 100% new wool. it was + woven in welsh. i'm really cool because i have a hat from wales. i'm + even cooler because i wear it backwards because it looks kind of funny + when i put it on the right way. i wear it with an eddie bauer sweater, + not because they match, but because they make me feel cool. yeah. cool. + i'm really cool because i'm odd because when i meet someone i'll say, + "like my hat?" and they'll say, "yes," and i'll say, "it's from wales." + but that's not why i'm cool. i'm cool because my hat's from wales and + every time i see that person they'll think i'm creative and cool and + intellectual because i say, "like my hat?" and they'll go "yeah," and + i'll be like "it was made in wales." HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA + + so, if you really want to be cool, get a hat from wales. just + don't hope you'll ever be as cool as me, and if i hear that you've been + using my lines like, "like my hat?" "it's from wales," i'll kill you. + yeah. i'm cool. + + it's from wales. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Types of Boys to Avoid at All Costs" + -> by AnonGirl + + All of them. + + ALL. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Stupid, Pointless, and Pretty Damn Retarded" + -> by Anjee + + This will be a stupid t-file. Not only will it be stupid, it + will also be pointless. Stupid, Pointless and pretty damn retarded. + All because this is an intentionally bad t-file. I do not know what it + will be about, because I haven't had any brainstorms, not that I get any + very often though. Has it ever happened to you.. where you feel or have + to write, but nothing comes, no ideas suddenly pop into your head? If + so, too bad; I couldn't care less. If not, that's great. Really. + + Perhaps I could write about how much my town sucks, because this + is an intentionally bad t-file, so it HAS to suck. Anyhow, my town is + located roughly around 30 minutes from Montreal, Quebec. It is mostly + populated by french stupid-ass retardos. There is also hardly anything + that can be remotely interesting to do around here, that's pretty much + all I can say about my town. But I suppose that doesn't really matter, + seeing this is an intentionally bad t-file. + + My creativity can only be stretched so far. I find it extremely + hard to TRY to write something stupid, however when I attempt to write + something that might catch someone's attention, I totally succeed at + looking like a fucking idiot. Anyhoodles, the only thing that will + come out of this intentionally bad t-file is the theory that I'm 'just + a typical dumb girl' will be proved to be nothing else but right! Well, + maybe it is! Maybe it isn't! Who knows? Who cares? I don't. + + So, I live in a dump, and I'm a typical dumb girl. That is my + life. That is pretty much all that I can deem worthy (not even!) of + being mentionned in this t-file. There's only so much I can think of + writing for an intentionally bad t-file. This file is (as I stated + earlier): Stupid, pointless, and pretty damn retarded. *VOILA* + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "I Wish I Was President" + -> by AltRocks + + [18:09] fuck mouth + [18:10] What's up, ballfuzz.. + [18:11] i have to clean the bathroom, then take a + shower, then i'll be up + [18:11] At 7. + [18:11] Not a minute sooner or later. + [18:12] *** acquaintance2 has quit IRC (ircN for mIRC) + + Now, that's a normal IRC exchange isn't it? I mean, two guys + call each other derogotory names and make plans. So why did I chose to + write about it? I didn't, you stupid fuck~ This has nothing to do with + the IRC log up there. If you had been paying attention, you'd know that + it was a normal exchange between two people making plans. So, why, + then, am I writing this? Because I must express my dislike of the way + the president it being treated by the congressional judiciary committee. + I mean, the guy got a blow job while he was working. Big deal. You'd + do it, too. Don't lie, you would. Oh my god, you actually have!@# + Wow... what was it like? Tell me!!! Damnit, now I want one, too. Man, + I wish I was president. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "How to Cure Boredom on the Third Day of your Boyfriend + -> Being Gone on Vacation" + -> by Daisy + + Yeah, my boyfriend went out of town two days ago for an eight + day vacation to see his family in Moussori. So what do I do while he + is away? Sit, sit, be bored, sit, sit, be bored, and oh did I mention, + sit on my ass even more? well thats what I've been doing! Nothing + absolutely nothing. Oh, I take that back, I went to the mall with my + eleven year old sister yesterday, does that count as pure excitement + or what? No, it was boring, your right! I got to follow her around + and watch her spend her fat wad of Christmas money when I got stuck + with all those damn socks like made of wool that have those little + grippies on the bottom. I got like eight pairs of those damn things, + what the hell am I gonna do with those? (*smacks forehead) oh I forgot + I wanted those instead of money, stupid me (boyfriend always says, + sarcasm comes with the territory). And my most boring day continued. + So we are at the mall and I run into this guy I used to date and I + looked at him and thought, cuz I'm too nice to say it to his face, "you + look awful." He looked trashed and I then though to myself, did he + always look this bad? and what the hell did I ever see in him? well + whatever. so the shopping continued! blah blah blah and so on. my + wonderful (and did I mention boring) day. then I got home and sat some + more and watched hope floats like a billion time with the phone in my + hand waiting for him to call at 11pm like he promised. but did he call, + hells no he didn't call, not until 12:30 am. lucky him I was in the + phone with a friend of mine (and let me tell you that phone conversation + could probably be a whole 'nother t-file). I asked him why so late, oh + time flys when your sitting in a hotel lobby all-day-long. He said he + was just as bored as I was, but I begged to differ. I cried to him + about how much I miss him and how the sweater of his I have is + beginning to not smell like him anymore. but still we talked for an + hour and he says he would call tonight at 11pm. So yet to come is + another day of sitting and being bored, but hey, does that surprise + you? Did, I mention I was having a really boring day? + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Float My Boat" + -> by Mutter + + Don't you hate the way kwanza has become WAY too commercialized + in recent years?! Me too. You know what I'm talking about: it's all + about the kwanza bush and the kwanza stories that are on tv year after + year -- we've all forgotten the true meaning of kwanza. That's why I + decided to try the christmas thing this year. + + As we all know, Santa breaks into our houses on christmas and + gives us presents... kind of a reverse burglary. True, it's a little + unsettling that a strange fat man would do this to us year after + year... and it's a bit bizarre that we look forward to it but, hey, + whatever floats you boat. Sure, we wake up in the morning to that + bizarre annual sense of being violated -- but, the presents certainly + are a nice compensation. + + So, I went to the mall to tell Santa what I wanted (the word on + the street was that he can be found there) but when I went to sit down + on his lap, Santa just looked at me and said "What are you... some + kinda pervert!? Get out of here." So I said, "No, Santa. I just want + to sit on your lap and tell you my deepest desires for christmas." + That's when he maced me. Then mall security threw me out. + + Come to think of it, it was kinda odd that Santa wasn't dressed + in his usual red and white garb... he was just in regular street + clothes (I guess it must be a bitch to be recognized when you're that + famous)... and it was weird that he had no beard (he must have shaved + it)... and it was INCREDIBLY weird that he had breasts and looked + remarkably like a woman (but, hey, whatever floats your boat). Anyway, + I hate mall security. + + Hey, isn't it a little weird that SANTA is an anagram for + SATAN?!@# Coincidence??? I don't think so. + + hah, a commercial for Hope Floats on pay-per-view just came on. + That movie sucks. I think I might order it -- heheh. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Crayola; The History of" + -> by The Jester + + there once was a young boy from camelot who smelled a lot like a + purple crayola crayon. he was often taunted for smelling like this + artificial coloring instrument, but he could not be stopped from trying + to reach his goal, which was to get the knights of the cirucular table + to turn pacifist. he was a hippy bastard. + + "king arthur, we must not continue killing people! we need to + find non-violent solutions to our problems!" he screamed. + + "boy, you sure do smell like purple crayola crayon. who let you + into camelot anyway? but maybe you are right. we sure do chop a lot of + heads off and whatnot," arthur said. + + and so it came to pass that the knights went from swords to + plowshares. camelot became a communist utopia and everything went fine, + for about three or four days. and then the ugly ogre children found + out. they smelled like teal crayola crayon. + + "arthur kill many brother ogre. must smash head of arthur! must + smash knights of circular table head! blarr!!!!" one of the wiser + ogres belched. + + so an army of eight ogres stormed camelot and they squished all + the knights before they could plead to the ogres to lead non-violent + existences, then they squished arthur. he looked funny. + + they then found the boy who smelled like purple crayola crayon + and smushed him, too. they thought he smelled funny. + + "teal crayon must rule earth, arrrrrg!" was the reasoning of the + wiser ogre. + + and the eight ogres eventually achieved world domination. + + the end. + + moral: don't bath in water with more than .014% sulfide content. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Ashes" + -> by Kreid + + As I walked through the desert of my loneliness, tripping, + trudging through sands of my fear, and your fear, fear, the fear of + 1000 slaves brought to their knees by masters of dogma and humility... + i came to realize. it was a realization of something... what was it? + what? + + granted the sight of a ghost, maybe, a specter of my own lost + self. burned by a thousand fires from a thousand torches, burning with + 1000 fires... white flames of morality rising above my soul and burying + what little it leaves behind of me under one million ashes... black, + black, black ashes. i am responsible for all of + + this. + + who can save me now? no one. but i need no salvation. my ashes + are golden. more golden than the palaces of st. petersburg, even. i am + rich. wealthy from my own ashes. my own + + suffering + + yes, indeed. i suffer. i suffer not for the world. i am not a + martyr. i suffer for my + s + e + l f. + + and i + am + wealthy. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Remember My Face" + -> by LilNilHil + + this bum in new york city bummed a smoke off of me a few days + ago. i think he was an indian. don't call me a rascist you asshole. + i'm telling you he's an asshole... i mean indian... because it's + relevent to the story. so he doesn't tell me his name or anything... + but i give him the cigarette because i am kind and sharing... even + though all people are assholes who deserve to ..uh.. something. so then + i give him my lucky cigarette.. it's lucky 'cuz it's the last one... yay! + + he gives me a two handed thumbs up and shakes my hand. then he + says that aliens are here and i say 'oh' and then he says that they're + still coming though, and i say 'who?' and he say who do you think? i + say; "i dunno.. the catholics.. the muslims.." + + he says "the arabs.. the commies.." + + we laugh. it is fun. we look psychotics. but that's ok. + + then he says the white man is here to stay. + + i say.. "yea.." aren't i talkative? fuck you. + + him; "don't you think so?" + + i look around and it's 5th avenue... Ttiffany's is 2 stores + down... i nod. then he says it's ok though... cuz jezuz christ is + here. yay for jezuz!#$ after that he smiles some huge indian grin and + points to himself with both hands and says, "you remember my face." i + say ok. he's says happy new year. i like him. but those rich white + men that are here to stay... i don't like them. i like the indians... + cuz they're all like cut off your head and pillage your town and rape + thee virgins cuz fuck you and fuck yer mother cuz you suck and yer white. + hiya!$ + + we must infiltrate. remember my face. + + !!========================================================================!! + + [ Editor's note: The following story could've easily been + released as an issue of cDc. ] + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Short People Got No Reason To Live" + -> by Meenk + + So, I am sitting here, bleeding, in a pool of my own diarrhea + and urine. Why? Because the fucking cops are outside and keep + assaulting me. Cops have no respect for a black man. They tried just + about everything to get me to come out. Why dont they just come in and + kill me? Because I have a bomb. A big fucking bomb. I made it myself. + They tried tear gas, that is when I told them I had my great big + fucking bomb. Now, all is quiet and I guess I will just sit here and + bleed. They know I must be getting weak, they have kept me in here for + almost a week. I have no food or water, which is why I have been + drinking my urine and was forced to chew off my stubby little fingers. + I already ate the body, I am all that's left. Luckily, I am a midget + and don't need much to sustain myself. If I don't get my demands then + I guess I will be forced to let things go ka-boom. + + It all started when I went to the bank to make a deposit. The + teller that helped me was a beautiful blonde, tall, slender, perfect. + I guess she caught me looking at her tits (where else am I supposed to + look? they were right in my face) and called her manager. He asked me + to leave and I guess I lost my senses because I kicked him in the shins + and punched him in the testicles. Of course security guards came and + restrained me, and the teller called the police. The next day, I was in + the newspaper. They mentioned assault and sexual harassment, so I lost + my job as a kindergarten teacher. All because of some stupid bitch. + Some stupid tall blonde bitch. + + I decided to retaliate. I found out she had a daughter, 6 years + old. She was about my size. I followed her around for a little while, + plotting my revenge when suddenly the little girl wasn't going to + school anymore, in fact, I didn't see her at all. I noticed some + strange guys hanging around the blonde's house. I figured she had + noticed my stalking, in spite of the care I took, and called the + authorities. I stopped cruising around their neighbourhood. + + One day, I was scanning the pages of the local paper and I saw + a story about the little girl. It turned out she was found in a river, + raped and beaten. I laughed, but was upset someone else got to her + first. I went about my usual daily tasks, the idea of unrealized + revenge gnawing at my soul. I knew what I had to do. That bitch would + never be able to forget what happened to her poor little girl. I + wouldn't let her. + + I went to the morgue and found the little cunt's body. It was + kinda soft from being tenderized then tossed in a river. She smelled a + lot like I imagined her mother's twat to smell. I shoved it in a sack + and tossed it in my trunk. Being a midget is a lot like being a clown, + you can do a lot of bad things, but don't get held responsible. I + brought her back to my house and laid her out on my bed. She looked a + lot like her mother, aside from the grey, maggot-eaten flesh, milky + eyes, and obvious decay. Oh, and the melon tits. This girl was flat as + can be, though just as arousing without them. She was just my size. + + I went into the bathroom and got my giant size petroleum jelly + so I could lube up what would be moist if she was alive. I did her + mouth first, the lubricant's medicinal scent slightly masking the smell + of decay. Out came my RAGING HARD cock. I slipped my ebony rod between + her cold little lips and tried for the back of her throat. + Unfortunately, being an african american, I am EXTREMELY well endowed, + a lot better than most full sized men. My giant cock snapped her jaw. + I was disappointed because her mouth was no longer tight. I started to + soften up, so I decided I would work my desire back up, then make the + little girl a woman. + + I kissed her mangled face, along the ligature marks on her neck, + down her prepubescent chest, around the (knife?) wound in her abdomen, + all the way to her bald baby pussy. I kissed it and flicked my tongue + along the folds of flesh, pressing it into her until I reached the + barrier I would soon be breaking. She tasted like the seashore smells, + fishy, salty, cold. Well, that and the syphillitic semen of her rapist. + I slipped one of my stubbly fingers into her, slick with my saliva. She + was so tight. Cold, but tight. I couldn't take it anymore, so I smeared + some jelly on my monster shaft and plunged into her. It was great for a + while, but her eyes just wouldnt stay open. I dig looking into a + chick's eyes while I fuck her. + + I went into the bathroom and got my manicure scissors (have to + have nice fingernails) and snipped away her pesky eyelids. Now she was + staring straight at me. I decided to have a go at the wound in her side, + so I lubed it up and plunged in. It wasn't as tight as her little cunt, + but it did create interesting sensations. Her internal organs slipping + around my love muscle. she stared at me, her chin thumping against her + shoulder with each thrust. I had one hole left to plunder, and it + proved to be the tightest of the four. As I ripped open her tiny anal + pucker I got a little carried away and bit her shoulder, a chunk of her + flesh coming off into my mouth. Out of habit I chewed it up and + swallowed it. It tasted like a bit of marinated something or other. + Exotic. I pulled my cock out of her ass, wiped off the shit with my + hand, licked my pudgy fingers clean, and put my pants back on. I went + and got a big knife and chopped off a post-copulation snack. + + As I sat, nibbling her tender flesh, I decided I would need + something with which to remember the occasion, and maybe to use to + torture her bitch mother, so I went and got my video camera. I took my + mother's crucafix off the wall and shoved it into the little girl's ass, + fucking her as hard and fast as I could manage. It looked good, but not + video quality. I went outside and stole one of my neighbour's baby + rabbits. The bunny fit into her torn snatch well, and struggled as I + began to sodomize her with the cross. It was great on film. + + A few days later, I was sitting on my couch, munching on her + little toes (they are better than Bon Bons), watching my home movie, + when there was a knock on the door. I went to open it, and a few police + officers claimed to want to ask me some questions. I invited them + inside, and covertly locked the door. I invited them into the + livingroom, where they stood stupefied by the dish of toes and the + video on the television. This gave me the perfect chance to grab my + shotgun. I braced myself against a wall and fired on the three men. + They went down in three explosions of blood and brains. + + And on my floor they remain. Though I am hungry enough to be + striping my fingers of flesh, I refuse to eat pig. I have to pee again, + and it is going to hurt like a bitch. The dead can still pass diseases. + Fucking whore. I can't live like this. I have to crawl across the room + to get to my bomb. Eeew, brains and skull fragments. Here it is. + *click* + + *KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM* + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Bingo the Chimpanzee Interviews Robert Smith and Morrissey" + -> by Styx + + As I sauntered quietly into their cave, ducking under a torch above + the entryway, I was greeted by a butler. He was surprised to see a + chimpanzee holding a pen and notebook, and even more surprised to see my + rented Honda parked outside. I introduced myself and he started to cry, + so I moved past and found my way to a dim-lit niche in the wall - home + of Robert Smith of The Cure, and Morrissey, ex-member of The Smiths and + now a quite successful solo artiste. They were both surprised to see a + chimpanzee holding a pen and notebook, but I was used to it and + introduced myself. + + BINGO; Hello! I am bingo the chimpanzee. Why is your butler + crying? + + MORRISSEY; He is unhappy. + + ROBERT SMITH; Verily. + + BINGO; How come? + + ROBERT SMITH; ... + + MORRISSEY; Robert tried to eat him. + + BINGO; Alright! Well, I have some questions, if you don't mind.. + er, why the long faces? Hehe. + + MORRISSEY; ... + + ROBERT SMITH; ... + + BINGO; Okay! Robert, did you enjoy being a member of The Smiths? + + ROBERT SMITH; I was never in The Smiths. It's just my last name. + + BINGO; Oh. Well, if you were, would you have enjoyed it? + + ROBERT SMITH; No. + + MORRISSEY; If I were in The Cure, I wouldn't enjoy it. + + ROBERT SMITH; Me neither. + + MORRISSEY; But you're in The Cure, Robert. + + ROBERT SMITH; Yes, I am. + + BINGO; Er.. so, Morrissey, you were in The Smiths. Did you enjoy it? + + MORRISSEY; No. + + BINGO; Who are your biggest influences? + + ROBERT SMITH; I have no influences, for I am all alone. + + MORRISSEY; Me too. + + BINGO; Morrissey, would you explain the meaning of the song "House + of the International Playcakes"? + + MORRISSEY; That's not what it's called. + + BINGO; Well what's it about? + + MORRISSEY; Bleak trees on a Sunday in January. + + ROBERT SMITH; Beautiful. + + MORRISSEY; I know. + + BINGO; Robert, would you tell me the meaning of "It's Better for + Erise?" + + ROBERT SMITH; That's not what it's called. + + BINGO; Well what's it about? + + ROBERT SMITH; Well, one time I was angry at the government... + + BINGO; Which government? + + ROBERT SMITH; Uh. I don't know. Anyway, I was angry at it and I + started to whimper softly, and that's when it came + to me. + + BINGO; What came to you? The lyrics? + + ROBERT SMITH; ... + + MORRISSEY; Beautiful. + + ROBERT SMITH; I know. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Elite Mulch" + -> by Teerts + + i dont like the smell of mulch. + having to shovel it once a month + sure does suck. it smells like + sour poo, and whenever i touch + it, i vomit all over the plants. + man, even when youre 'leet you + dont get away from these chores. + i even tried telling my mom... + i was like 'mom, i cant do this, + im elite! im elite mom, why doesnt + johnny do it? he's the lemur!@' + so then she smacked me and threw + me into the big mulch pile. i + threw up all over. but i'm still + more ereet than you. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "hehehe Consumer Report's Review On Illegal Drugs hehehehehehe" + -> by Mogel + + Marijuana --> hehe everybody knows about the wacky weed!! hehehe dis + drug is good and it will fuck you up!!! ehehe the pros? + it will fuck u up!! ehehehehe the cons? it stinks!!!!! + + Ecstasy --> heheehe here is another drug that will fuck you up!!! it + makes u feel good all ovr and it rox 2 have sex with hehehe + i had sex with like over 60 girls on it!! hehehee not at the + the same time tho ;) + + Katamine --> hehehe k is kewl if ur lookin for a chance 2 sit in a room + and stare @ the ceiling 4 like a lot!! ravers like this + drug 2 but ravers R faggitts ehehehe j/k hehehehe.. uh the + pros of k r... u get fucked up!! hehehe the cons? u might + wake up the next morning with a bummer headache... ehehe + + Shrooms --> shroomz rule dude!!! they are like eating 10 pounds of + candy corn in one gulp!!! u will be fucked up for hours + and probably lost in your own world... if u got urself some + good shit u will see hallusunashuns... so don't go driving + on them!! ehehehe + + LSD --> lsd is fun but can make u confused 4 many hours and u can't + turn it off... 1 time i saw my mommy as the devil and she told + me 2 join her evil cult and i got scared and it was a bad trip + and i cried for 3 hours but other than that lsd was good fun + and kewl hehe + + Cocaine --> hehehe this is the drug of *CHoisE* by self-absorbed actors + in hollywood!! hehehe pros r that u get nose bleeds, it is + very expensive, it is addictive, it makez ur penis small, + and u eventually become neurotic, too! cons r that it makes + u get rilly hyper n u might accidentally get hurt... hehehe + + Herion --> hehehe oh shit the dozesSS i just took r startin n i cannot + concentr8 on this artical n-e more .. gonna go + outside now i am really crrruuuuuusin now down the INFORMATION SUPERH + IGHWAY? NO? WAIT? CAN I PLEASE HEAR PRINCE'S 1999 SONG ONE MORE + TIME??? + FINALLY I CAN DIE A HAPPY MAN, YOU SICK MOTHREFUCEJR. + + !!! GREETZ 2 ANONGIRL, KREID, TPP, MISTAWHO, VYRUS, DARWIN, SWISS POPE, + MEENK, AND THE REST OF THE #EZINES DRUG POSSE HEHE !!! + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Go Home to Alcohol" + -> by Neko + + "Life is a cliche," I told her. + + And she listened. + + Silly girl. + + But so did all the others. + + I guess it's another cliche. + + Just like butter and bread. + + Or orange! + + Can you get it? + + I asked her. + + She shook her head. + + ... + + Later on she smacked me with the back of her left hand. + + The ring I had gotten her cut my face. I knew I should've gotten + a smaller stone. + + Stupid me. + + "Why did you do that?" + + "Why not?" + + That's what all the others said. + + Life is a cliche. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "You've Got Male" + -> A screenplay of a Major Motion Picture + -> by Darwin + + [ Tom Hanks sits on his IBM PC as Meg Ryan sits on her + Macintosh, in different fabulously upscale apartments. ] + + TOM : Hey baby, I think we should meat in real life. I'm a hunk of + burning hot man loving. I'm also fabulously upscale. + + MEG : I'm also fabulously upscale, wealthy and really great looking. + Perhaps we could meat in some romantic way. I'll wear a tight + sweater which will allow you to see when my nipples are erect, + which they undoubtedly will be when I see you in New York in + the Springtime. + + TOM : Oh yes, I love New York in the Springtime. It's times like + this, and while fucking Parker Posey, that I really am glad + that I'm a movie star. I agree that we should meat, perhaps + we could meat in some fabulously upscale coffee place. + + MEG : *BEEP* *WHIRR* I AM A ROBOT, AND THEREFORE I FIND YOUR CLICHED + COMEONS TO BE IRRESISTABLE. Oh, wait, I mean, I love upscale + coffee places. I will need to dump Greg Kinnear, but he is also + a robot and therefore it will be easy to de-activate him. How + will I know what you look like, because we have arbitrarily + decided to not share any personal details, unlike humans when + they flirt on the Internet. + + TOM : I will be wearing a nametag that says "YOU'VE GOT MALE" and + then perhaps we could create some sort of conflict between us + that accentuates our inevitable copulation. + + MEG : Okay *BEEP* *whirr* I will see you there, I will put a rose in + my book, because you know how hard it is for movie stars to + find dates except over the internet and roses are romantic. + + [ We cut to the couples walking towards the upscale coffee + place. As Meg Ryan bounces down the street bobbing her head back and + forth like a robot pixie, we see a dark shape approach her. He swings + a shining silver hammer and Meg Ryan falls to the ground in a heap. + The camera pans up to her assailant, and we notice that he has a + nametag that reads "YOU'VE GOT MALE". The camera pans back down to + Meg Ryan, as she begins to stand. Her assailant starts to scream as + Meg Ryan removes his right leg with her teeth. ] + + TOM : [screaming] MY GOD YOU CRAZY BITCH WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? + + MEG : YOU TRIED TO *BEEP* KILL ME *WHIRR* [ *CHOMP* ] YOU INTERNET + PERVERT! + + TOM : [screaming] YOU'VE GOT MALE! YOU'VE GOT MALE! + + MEG : [starting on the other leg] AND BOY IS IT TASTY. OH, DID I + MENTION THAT I LIKE GETTING COFFEE AT STARBUCKS(r), USING + AMERICA ONLINE(r) AND DRINKING EVIAN(r) BOTTLED WATER? ALSO, + I THINK THAT BIG CORPORATE DISCOUNT STORES ARE EVIL. + + TOM : I AGREE WITH YOU ABOUT [scream] CORPORATIONS. LET'S PLEASE BE + FRIENDS. + + MEG : FIRST, YOU MUST AGREE TO TAKE A DAILY SUPPLEMENT OF LSD, AS I DO, + IN ORDER TO SIMULATE SOME SORT OF HUMAN PERKINESS. ALSO, DID I + MENTION THAT I LOVE NEW YORK IN THE SPRINGTIME? + + TOM : OKAY! WOULD YOU LIKE TO STROKE MY DOG? PERHAPS PARKER POSEY + COULD SUPPLY US WITH LSD AND WE COULD HAVE WEIRD DRUG SEX. I + KNOW 152 SEXUAL POSITIONS. + + MEG : I FIND THAT IDEA OFFENSIVE! [picks up hammer] YOU'RE JUST LIKE + ALL THE OTHER MEN WHO I CAN'T HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH DESPITE + THE FACT THAT I FULFILL THEIR SEXUAL FANTASIES BY BEING BLONDE + AND PERKY! [starts bashing tom in with the hammer.] + YOU'VE GOT MALE!! YOU'VE GOT MALE!! + + TOM : I LOVE YOU, SHOPGIRL! [dies] + + [ The screen goes blank and strobe lights start flashing. There + is a mechanical voice-over. ] + + VOICE : AN EMERGENCY HAS BEEN REPORTED. PLEASE MOVE TOWARDS THE EXITS. + + [ The audience stands outside in the cold for 10 minutes. When + they come back in, action resumes. ] + + MEG : OH, TOM, I WAS HOPING IT WOULD BE YOU. [kisses Tom Hank's corpse] + + [ The dog starts lapping up Tom's blood as Meg kisses Tom + passionately. Fade to Black. ] + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Santa Has Cold Feet" + -> by AltRocks + + I've often wondered what kind of socks Santa must wear. I mean + it's rather cold at the north pole, and all renditions of his living + quarters are quite humble and 17th century in nature. And I can't + imagine elves provide much body heat. So his socks must be really + thick. Then I wonder the invevitable question, "With socks that thick, + how does he make it down the chimney?" Granted, he has magical + 'shrinking' powers, and all, but wool, cotton, and even pollyesther + have their limits when compacted. So, I figure he must have normal + socks. But flying thru the cold air every year, and living in such a + harsh enviroment must make his feet rather cold all the time. He's + been doing his little thing for centuries now, and I'm sure somewhere + in the 1800's gangrene must've gotten the better of him. So he has no + feet, so they can't be cold. But what does he walk on then? Who + knows? Can't you just set aside all your logic, and just accept him as + a myth that is for the children? What kind of person analyzes such a + good and harmless character as Santa Claus? The nerve. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Doorknob" + -> by Nybar + + "You don't seem to understand the concept," the psycologist + said. "You are just a door knob." The door knob, in it's usuual + debonaire way, didn't respond at all. "Don't do this to me, Joe. You + are nothing but a door knob, no matter what you think." + + His friends at first were cracking up by the impetuous door + knob, and then kind of alarmed. They thought that maybe if the door + knob could do what it was doing, maybe just anything was. Maybe even a + doorstop. Maybe... even a black doorstop. So they had hired their + friend for the doorknob, to diagnose why it did what it did. + + He asked it again if it had any manufacturing flaws or had + suffered ill use. It still refused to answer. A week later, a + UFOlogist black kid with a toothy grin who the president had consulted + on all his public decisions, decided that it suffered from not knowing + how to read. He prescribed a "My First Book: Kill Whitey" book, but + the door knob refused to read or even try to learn to read. It was + really driving everyone insane. + + The week after that, everyone in the world came and try to make + the door knob explain it's sick agenda. Gay and Lesbian activists try + to ask it about it's stance on gays in the millitary. It didn't + respond. Feminazis tried to recruit it for their millitant femme + agenda, but it refused by not answering. And all because it just didn't + understand it was a door knob like any other. Finally, after being + cloned, stolen 5 times, dropped accidentaly and prayed to, it talked. + + It said something about secret irony. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Poems I Wrote in 8th Grade" + -> by Quarex + + Since the aim of this issue is to produce as much horrible, + horrible work as we physically can, I figured I could reach back into + my past and help out. Basically, in late 8th grade, I was on the phone + with Ghort [who you all obviously know], and we were making fun of + someone we had seen reading poetry. We both decided that anyone could + write poetry, which naturally is true, and I decided furthermore that I + was going to write some poetry which was just as horrible as the work we + had heard, yet had distinctive properties of me visible. Well, even + though these poems are about seven years old, they are still rather + indicative of what I think about poetry in general, and especially bad + poetry. + + Or, alternately, you can believe that these were all written by + my favorite [out of the two I think I have ever liked] poet, Robert + Herrick. + + --- + + Thine eyes like candy + Thine kisses like Handy Andy + But that smelly cat of yours + makes me wish I was the floor + If only you smelled as bad as that cat + 'Cuz then I could take you and make you a mat + For you, my dearest, are ugly and grey + While your little cat is nearly okay + And forgive me for sounding a little remorse + but frankly my dear, you can go fuck a horse + + --- + + How happy I am + when you are like them + And not like others + because you are my brothers + I've known you since birth + you've given me mirth + you stupid mother fucker + I'm going to kill you + Look out for the clown + Look out for the clown + He's coming to town + Look out for the clown + + --- + + Your eyes + like a stream of steam + or like a pool of gruel + in any case you're fucked + go away + + --- + + Your eyes are sweet + but I just ate them + I'm sorry my sweet + but you don't taste good + For now, my sweet + let's go out to eat + And then, my sweet, + I'll devour your fucking feet + but then, my sweet, + we'll paint the town mauve + and then, my sweet, + better run your ass off + because, my sweet, + I've become bored of you + and now, my sweet + eat flaming hot death + + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Hit Girls" + -> by Styx + + From dropdead@mindspring.com Wed Apr 01 04:13:19 1998 + Newsgroups: alt.women.supremacy + Subject: Beating women. + From: dropdead@mindspring.com (Styx) + Date: Wed, 01 Apr 1998 08:13:19 GMT + + This is not a joke. Hear me out. + + First allow me to state that I realize that under NO + circumstances it is okay for anybody to attack anybody, period. + + Second, allow me to state that it is a common thing for human + beings to attack one another, and often unavoidable, unfortunately. + + From what I have found, this is how it basically goes; when a man + and a woman attack each other, women usually attack men + mentally/emotionally while men usually attack women verbally/physically + (*usually* is the key word, so no shouts of "stereotype," please). + + My problem is this. Why is it considered unacceptable by society + for men to hit women while there are no consequences for women attacking + men mentally? + + Some say that a woman's body is more fragile. Most are weaker, + physically, than men. Parts of their anatomy can be damaged in a + physical altercation (mammary glands, etc). Yet, I've yet to hear a + case of a woman being jailed for kicking a guy in the balls. Why not? + She could permanently damage a male's reproductive system doing such a + thing. + + This is what I believe. *If* you are in the unfortunate + situation of a physical altercation and *you* are the one being + attacked, you can attack back *regardless of the gender of the + attacker*. I propose that it is *fine* to hit a woman if she is + hitting you if you cannot defend yourself in such a way as to avoid + further physical conflict. + + Anyway, my major point - the whole "men can't hit women" thing + makes me utterly sick to my stomach and I think it's one of the most + supreme examples of a double-standard ever forcefed upon our + touchy-feely PC society. + + If you're a man and you're being hit, hit back. If it's a + woman, aim for vital parts. Teach her a lesson. Same goes for the + women. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "In Memory of Linda McCartney" + -> by Swiss Pope + + \\\_______/// + \\ p p // + | | + | /_ | + \ o | + \____/ + + The members of the Razor 1911 Ascii Art Division hereby commemorate the + death of Linda McCartney, wife of the renowned Beatle Paul McCarney + + I think she had Breast Cancer + + You all should (if you're a girl) check your breasts because Breast + Cancer does not discriminate-- even not famous people like you can get + it + + I would put the date of her death here but I am too lazy to look up the + exact date when she died + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Mogel is GOD, Part II" + -> by AltRocks + + DAMN IT, Mogel, if you reject my love I swear to all that is + unholy I will stalk you! You are god! I want your sexy ass all to + myself. I will kill anyone who gets near you and tries to take you + away!@@#@!#@# + + I have a cage in my basement with a soda machine, refrigerator + and nice accomodations for you to live in. I'll even give you a + permanent Internet Connection! But I swear I will have you all to + myself@!@#!#!# + + Wheneever I think about that sweet ass of your (a prefect 10!!!) + I just cream myself! + + If you want to snuggle, check the YES box. + + _ + |_| YES + + _ + |_| NO + + But remember what will happen if you reject my lovin'@!#$!@#!@ + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Untitled Novel, Circa Seventh Grade, 1990" + -> by Phairgirl + + --- Chapter One: *Goodbye* + + "But mom..." I complained. + "We're moving and that's that!" yelled my fucking ignorant mother. + "Don't you care about..." + "Get packed!" + There was no use arguing. My mother was set in her ways about + moving. But I didn't want to leave my hometown of Farley, Iowa + for a big city like LA. I'd rather clean pig stalls. + Let me explain. I'm a farmer's daughter--with a Hollywood name. + Tamara Jacquellynne Love. Everyone calls me Mara. We're moving to Los + Angeles, California, because my tight-ass dad got a job there--as an + architect. I never knew my dad went to college. He's way cool compared + to my mom, but they're both 1970's rejects. + I filled my Gucci bag with my essentials--make-up, hair spray, + my walkman and a few tapes. My good leather suitcases held my clothes + and other essentials. Well, my mother's idea of essentials--deoderant, + tampons, Q-Tips. Not near MY standards of essentials--zit cream, razors, + jewelry, and nail files. + "Hurry up, you fucking slowpoke! We'll miss our flight!" + I didn't even have time to call my friends! + "Forget it--I'll get us the next latest flight--you have 4 hours. + Move it!" Mom's such a bitch. + Well at least now I could call everyone. I walked out of my room + to the hall phone. There was one good thing about moving--I was promised + my own line. + No sooner was I out when I heard a booming, "SURPRISE!" There in + the hallway was a giant banner reading, "Good luck in LA, MTL!" I knew + that if my friends would've had their way, it'd read, "Bye from the + Hellhole of America." But having that in the middle of a house where the + mom read Bible stories to children just wouldn't seem appropriate. + "Good luck in LA, Mara! Stun those great guys on the beaches with + your picture-perfect body!" said my best friend, Geneveve, or Viva. She + really knows how to cheer a person up. + "Yeah, you look like a California girl! Your hair is blond, your + eyes are blue and you already have a tan." That was my boyfriend, Ty. + God, was I going to miss him. + "God, am I going to miss you!" I cried, then I actually CRIED. + Me. Miss Independence. + "Shush, Tamara. You're gonna knock those LA guys off their feet," + said Ty. I knew that hurt him to say that. He gave me a peck on the lips. + There were at least 40 of my closest friends there. All of them + took time to wish me good luck, to knock the guys dead, and to have fun. + They'd all miss me; I sensed that. + "Everyone will have to leave now," said Mom, three hours later. + "We have to get going. Thanks 4 coming." + That was the last I saw of my best friend. + That was the last I saw of my now ex-boyfriend. + I had no idea what to expect. + + --- Chapter Two: *A New Place* + + "Flight 105, please report to the boarding area. Flight 105." + "That's us, baby. Let's go!" + My mother's so fucking gay! No. I was going to stay here in + Farley in an empty house with no money. Of course, if I had those + things, I'd rather stay on the farm. + As we walked out of the airport to board the 747, I was + overwhelmed. THIS huge hunk of steel FLEW? A feather maybe. But not + about a million tons of machinery. + I climbed up and up, knowing I'd never see this stupid town + again. Why wasn't I eager to get to a cool, famous, luxurious place? + Did I like hellholes or something? Am I a mental case? + Once aboard the plane, I found my seat. First class. My parents + may have no sense of style but at least they know how to fly. + We didn't have a stewardess. We had a steward. Or whatever you + call a guy. Oh joy. Especially when it looked like he put on a mud + masque to help his zits and he left it on. + "Hello, I'm Jonathan, your flight attendant for the trip. If + you need anything, I'm your man." Gee. How conceited can you get. + Anyway, I guess I can admit he was a pretty good flight + attendant, although he would make a big deal of "regular or + decaffeinated" coffee. He said it like, "I'm God and you're not!" + I started to paint my nails. A movie was put on the screen but I + saw it eons ago. I painted them this awesome shade of red. Perfect. I + wore this black mini-skirt, a red top with lace, and these great red + heels. + "You look like a slut!" my completely unfashion conscious mom + commented. + "So?" I could've cared less. + "You're not going out in public like that!" + "Wanna bet?" + "Next you'll tell me, EVERYONE in LA dresses like that." + "Everyone in LA dresses like that." + "Not everyone. Not me!" + "Mom, this isn't gonna be Farley, the armpit of America." + "You didn't want to move from that armpit, let me remind you." + "I'm 20!" + "Then move out!" + "You're paying for my education!" + "Then shut up!" + I did. Only the Mouth of the Midwest could make me be quiet. And + the thought of going to UCLA! I guess I'm not going to miss Farley. Much. + The plane landed 4 hours after takeoff. I knew a broader horizon + was outside waiting for me. + We went into the airport, got our luggage, and went out to meet + our car, which had also been flown in. We were moving to 5105 Ocean + Drive. I prayed that, like the street name, it was by the beach. + When we pulled up to our house, 30 minutes later I did a double + take. + Oh my Lord! + I proceeded to faint. + + --- Chapter Three: *The Neighborhood* + + After I came to, I started screaming. + "Don't you like it, dear?" my dad asked. + What a dumb question. + "The money... How..." + "We had savings, dear. Plus my new job will help costs." + I ran up to the porch of our new house. + Let me correct myself--mansion. + It was huge! + I practically pulled the handle off the door trying to get + inside. Finally, Mom unlocked it. + I had a whole floor to myself. + "You can have the top, dear. That way, you don't have to worry + about your folks, curfew, or anything. I'll cook and clean if you, in + turn, bring home nothing lower than a C in school." + "I can do better--even all B's!" + "I'll be satisfied with C's. It's already furnished, so we sold + your bed, dresser, nightstnad, air conditioner, etc, and here's the + money you made." + Now I know brass beds are expensive, but... + "2 thousand dollars?!" + "All yours." + I was, basically, in shock. + "I'll use it to redecorate, refurnish, or just make improvements + on my floor." + "Terrific!" + "We need a stereo--don't you think?" I sighed. A stereo, all the + CDs a person could want, ooh... I was starting to think I was dreaming. + I went up to my room. + Someone should've warned me. + I walked in--it was so great! My brass bed so well replaced by a + queen size waterbed! My pink dresser replaced by solid oak! And there, + on my new nightstand, was a CD player! + "You guys didn't have to do this." + "But we wanted you to like California," said good-old Dad. Thank + God for architecture. + "I love it here!" + I looked out the window to face... the Pacific Ocean. + "Oh..." + That's all I could say. + I went to another window. This time, I was face to face (well, + window to window) with the most gorgeous guy I ever saw in my life. He + looked a little older than me. Right then, I thought my eyes went + crossed, cuz I saw 2 of them. I rubbed my eyes and gaped. I guess I + looked incredibly stupid because they BOTH started to laugh. Twins! + Meekly, I waved. They waved back, waved good-bye that is, and left. + "Oh thank you! I love this room!" + "I knew you'd like it!" said Mom. I guess she wasn't too bad. + "Let me get acquainted with my new home, ok, and let me unpack," + I said to my 'rents. + They finally left! + I lept to my window--THEY WERE BACK. + Then--Lord knows what happened--I started laughing. They opened + their window. I flipped--but managed to open mine. + "Hey--who are you!" yelled one GT--Gorgeous Twin--while the + other smacked him and said, "Be nice!" + "Mara Love... and you are?" + "Gunnar Nelson." + "Matthew Nelson." + "How am I supposed to tell you guys apart!" I shrieked in + surprise. + The GT's gave me this look like, "We're not IDENTICAL." + "EZ," yelled Gunnar--I think. Yeah, it was Gunnar. He was the one + standing on the left--my left, that is. "My hair's longer in the front. + Matt's got bangs." + I was right--it was Gunnar. + I finally figured out who was talking when Matt started. "The + longer you know us, the more you notice. Where'd you move from?" + "Some miniscule town in Iowa," I responded truthfully. + "Farmer's daughter," I heard Matt murmur to Gunnar. + "Not everyone from Iowa is a farmer! But, I am a farmer's + daughter. He's going into architecture." + Now, I don't have the world's greatest eyes (as you saw by my + double trouble gorgeous guy) but I swear I saw Matt roll his eyes. + And Gunnar lick his lips. + "Are you guys unpacked yet enough for us to come over?" asked Matt. + Maybe he HADN'T rolled his eyes. + "I don't know about my parents, but I am, and the floor is like, + my private apartment. No curfews. Finally!" + "Cool. How old ARE you?" asked Gunnar. Another smack from Matt. + "I'm 20. Going to UCLA after the summer's over." + "That's great, you're getting an education. We're in the music + business," said Matthew. I could easily imagine him at UCLA. He + definitely had brains. I could live with that. Definitely. + "Yeah, we're gonna be as big as our dad was," smiled Gunnar. All + the sudden, it hit me. Nelson. These guys were Rick Nelson's sons! + Celebrities in my own backyard! + "Album's gonna be out next week," commented Matthew. + "First single and video in 2 weeks," said Gunnar. They had ESP or + something with each other. + "I guess then I won't have you all to myselves, with fans hanging + around." Oops. Now they KNEW I liked them. + But Gunnar came right back. "It'll be great, but I'd like to have + some private time." Evidently, Matt thought PRIVATE TIME WITH ME cuz he + smacked Gunnar again. + Whoh. + "When'll you be don? I'd like to... see the house," said Gunnar. + He must've chosen his words carefully so Matt wouldn't smack him. + "Tomorrow, probably." + "We'll call you. What's your number?" Gunnar ducked just in time. + Matt hit the window pane, and Gunnar laughed. + After a minute or two, I yelled, "555-6943." + "Gotcha, babe!" Gunnar ran, Matt chased him, and this cute white + Lab stuck its head out the window. + "Graceface-no!" said Gunnar in this voice I never thought could + come from someone like him. The pup obediently got down. + "That was Grace, our four year old Labrador. We also have Max, + a one year old Lab. Grace's puppy," explained Matt. + "They're adorable!" I said. My mom called for supper. "I gotta + go. Free food. See ya round!" I yelled. + "Bye!" said Matt. + Then a faint "Bye" from a hiding Gunnar. + + !!========================================================================!! + + -> "Hoe Hee-haw" + -> by Trilobyte + + so if i were to be a yippy yi yo kiyay, this is how i would start. + i'd get my cowboy hat and my cowboy boots and my cowboy horse and i'd be + on hee-haw every week or night or whatever and i'd sing country songs + with my mouth until my vocal chords were shot and then i'd cut my head + off because, well, dood, you fucking suck. i fucking hate you. dood, + one time i was fucking your mom and she called out your name hahaha. + she's such a nasty old hoe i reached up in her cunt and pulled out a + fossil dinosaur dick!!! AHAHHAHAH!!!! + + and i got a piece of danish which i ate gladly. + + you ever hear of this guy named MOGEL? he runs a zine called + HOE which is short for YOU FUCKING SUCK!! ! AHAHAHHAAH AHH AH AH + + HOE YOU FUCKING SUCK HOE!!!!!!!!!!!! PALINDROME!!!!!!!!!!!!! + + PALINDROMES FUCKING BLOW!!!!! BUT NOT AS MUCH AS YOUR MOM + BLEW ME LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! + + so yeah. now, to add to the crappiness of this text file, i + will completely change themes mid-article. my mood has changed, and + stuff. i know this girl who went to california and came back. hadn't + seen her until today. yeah. + + in traditional "stupid dto/hoe story fashion," BOB THE PIG WAS + UGLY AND FAT AND HE FUCKED YER MOM TOO!!!! OBVIOUSLY SINCE SHE DOES + YOU EVERY DAY, FAT AND UGLY TURNS HER ON!!! + + but i can't turn her on. and if i could, i wouldn't be able to + get it up. see, i've got this problem... every time i see her naked, I + WANT TO VOMIT. KINDA LIKE WHEN I SEE YOU. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT + BECAUSE YOU ARE SUCH A THING I HATE. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU + + i implanted a yellow chip into the socket in my brain and walked + down the dark alley. they must be waiting for me, every indication was + there. the way everyone had looked at me the past few days... the way + the milk rotted too fast in my refrigerator... the note on my forehead + that said "GAME'S OVER. COME OUT OF YOUR HIDING PLACE, WE ALREADY FOUND + HIM. GOD DAMN IT, GET OUT OF THERE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIDE ANYMORE! + WE FOUND HIM! JESUS CHRIST, IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF THERE WE'RE LEAVING + IN 1 MINUTE! WE'LL LEAVE WITHOUT YOU!" + + oh wait, it said more. + + "WE'RE NOT GOING TO PLAY ANYMORE. NOBODY'S COMING TO FIND YOU, + THE GAME'S OVER AND NOBODY LIKES YOU ANYWAY. GOD DAMN IT, THIS IS THE + LAST TIME WE PLAY SARDINES WITH YOU. OR HIDE AND GO SEEK, TOO! JESUS + CHRIST, ASSHOLE! GET YOUR ASS -- THERE YOU ARE! YEAH, I KICKED YOU! + HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? YEAH, AGAIN! DOES IT HURT? HERE! ONE MORE TIME! + JESUS CHRIST! WHEN I CALL YOU, YOU COME! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! I CALL + YOU, AND YOU COME! JUST LIKE THE LITTLE DOG YOU ARE! WEREN'T YOU A + HOUSETRAINED DOG? I DON'T THINK SO! YEAH, I'M GONNA MAKE YOU PEE YOUR + FUCKING PANTS IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW." + + cheap wine and liquor, you mix it in with plastic and wire and + put a few pieces of hair and plush leather satin and inject it into your + dog with stoplight flashes of godlike haze. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #399 - WRITTEN BY THE HOE STAFF - 1/4/98 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0400.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0400.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cf8fdd22 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0400.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1363 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #400 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Choose Your Own Adventure" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Various Artists !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/4/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + As a special joint-project, HOE #400 is based on those old + "Choose Your Own Adventure" books that many of us read as kids. The HOE + Staff, along with many others, decided to do our version of this + concept, with each of us writing our own short part. + + To play, simply start at square 1. When you are offered a choice + of where to go, select which number in [brackets] you wish to follow, + and follow it. Simple enough, huh? + + But beware... this is a deadly game, and endings come quick if + you make an unwise choice! + + The following authors (43 in all) have written at least some + part of this file (listed in order of appearance): + + Mogel, Cstone, Meenk, Trilobyte, Darwin, Art, Zooey, Isaac, + Swiss Pope, Ziego Vuantar, Kaia, Tasha, Teerts, Ewheat, Anjee, + Kreid, AnonGirl, Jook, Tortoise, AltRocks, Mistawho, Quarex, + Neko, Ilsundal, Metal Chick, Aster, Mutter, PezMonkey, Oeb, + TanAdept, Phairgirl, Deadpan, Nybar, Caitlin, Avenger, Kyst, + Vyrus, Ior, LilNilHil, Miasma, Soybean, and Squinky. + + Enjoy the fruits of our labor. + + !!========================================================================!! + + [1] (Mogel) + + You never liked your friends in high school very much. They + were generally "alright" by conventional standards, you supposed, but + as senior year pressed on, you were progressively becoming more and + more of a social elitist -- eventually only hanging out with the + captain of the football team, the head cheerleader, and the guy with + the most Dragonlance boxed sets. The four of you would sometimes go + on amazing adventures together around the neighborhood! Today is no + exception. Bright and early your friends assembled outside your front + door, full of a brand new project -- "let's go explore the woods!" + + * If you'd like to go exploring the woods with your friends, go to [2]. + * If you'd like to go back to sleep, go to [3]. + + [2] (Cstone) + + To the delight of your friends, you decide to join in the trek + into the woods. Your ego is stroked by the fact that as far as you + know, nobody has ever entered the forest and lived. As you fearlessly + enter the woods, you see the remnant of a trail heading in one + direction. You briefly wonder which direction the trail led, but soon + realize that nobody among you has brought a compass. You think about + going back for one, but that thought dies quickly as you frustratingly + realize that nobody has brought a map, either. + + * If you'd like to follow the old trail, go to [4]. + * To go in a random untrodden direction, go to [5]. + + + [3] (Cstone) + + You're really tired, since you didn't get to sleep until 4 A.M. + after a wild night of partying, so you respectfully decline the offer. + To your surprise, your "friends" quickly get upset, and deluge you + with angry questions about why you don't go with them and why they + should even be associated with you. As they start to leave, you feel + afraid that your seemingly innocuous refusal to explore the woods may + have done irreparable damage to the relationship between you and your + friends. The threads holding your fragile, deformed social ego above + the water of despair are cut, and you slowly trudge back to bed. You + try to sleep, but it's impossible now that your life has been ruined, + so you change your mind and run back outside, determined to join your + friends in their journey through the woods, but they're already + gone... the end. + + [4] (Meenk) + + You begin to stumble down the old trail, struggling to keep from + losing your footing amongst the dead branches and rocks. One of your + stupid friends is whining about the poison ivy which is growing along + the sides of the narrow path. You try to block out his complaints, but + his voice is at the exact frequency that triggers your chronic migraine + headaches. You turn around and scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" He does, + but only for another 30 feet. At this point the path has virtually + disappeared and you are treading on compacted poison ivy. He begins + to whine louder than before. + + * If you pick up a fist-sized stone and hurl it at your friend's head, + go to [8]. + * If you stuff your ears full of leaves, go to [9]. + + [5] (Trilobyte) + + you opt not to follow the established path and head off to the + right. your friends gain some respect for you because you have already + taken the helm of control of the group and have led them off to what + seems to be uncharted territory. + + after you have walked a distance through the wilderness, you + notice that the scenery seems to be changing a bit. the traditional + green shades are becoming darker and the brown shades are becoming + deeper. you hear what sounds like a stream or brook somewhere to + the left. + + * To trek toward the water sound, go to [6]. + * If you want to continue along your random path, go to [7]. + + [6] (Meenk) + + You start to the left, pushing through small branches and foliage, + the trees above blotting out most of the light. Your friends encourage + you, impressed by your bravery, and you lead them deep into the trees. + You are forced to stop when you get to a huge fallen tree, but the + gurgling of the water seems to be right on the other side. You ask for + a boost from your friends, and soon stand on top of the gigantic log. + One by one you pull your companions atop the tree. Suddenly one of + them slips on the moist moss, grabs onto you and one of the others, + and *SPLASH* you all plunge into the cold water on the other side. You + all frantically grab for each other, but the only hand you grasp is the + cold, clammy hand of a corpse. + + * If you examine the corpse, go to [10]. + * If you get the fuck out of there, friends or no friends, go to [11]. + + [7] (Darwin) + + The ground beneath you gives way with a loud *SNAP* as you, the + cheerleader and the Nerd all slide down a steep embankment into a muddy + pit. The captain of the football team looks down at you and begins to + taunt you. The Jock is suddenly quiet and then you hear the sounds of + a struggle and the Jock babbling incoherently. You hear a wet crunching + noise and a scream as The Jock's lifeless body flies into the pit and + lands arranged in all the wrong ways. As the cheerleader starts + screaming and the Nerd starts rolling two 10 sided die, you realize + it's up to you to take charge of an ugly situation. + + * If you smoke a joint, go to [14]. + * If you whip out a pocket knife and calm your friends down, go to [15]. + + [8] (Art) + + You whip the fist-sized rock at your role-playing friend's head. + All of a sudden, the air surrounding him shimmers, and a blinding + white light shines until you can't bear to look at it any longer. When + you slowly reopen your half-blinded eyes you see not your friend, but a + many-eyed BEHOLDER! + + * If you withdraw your trusty Vorpal BoyScout Pocketknife and attempt + to vanquish the beholder, go to [16]. + * If you take out a small black palmable device from your pocket with + the words "DON'T PANIC" written on the cover, go to [17]. + + [9] (Art) + + As you hastily grab a handful of leaves from the shrubbery of the + forest and stick them in your ears to drown out the incessant whine + caused by your stupid friend's monologue, you swiftly realize two + things. One, that your hands just became twice as large as they were + moments ago and itch like a motherfucker, and, two, your ears are + beginning to pus and leak bodily fluids. Your already unbearable + migraine turns into a throbbing black hole of a headache... in your left + eye, fusing every single c-phiber in your swollen head. With one last + torturous wave of pain, your head explodes like an overripe melon from + the caustic effects of the Poison Ivy that you mistakenly plunged into + your unwitting ear canals. The end. + + [10] (Darwin) + + After the requisite five seconds of abject horror, you and your + vapid friends jump to your feet, aghast at the spooky corpse which is + lying face down in an eddy of the forest brook. The corpse is dressed + in a conservative blue suit which contrasts the putrescent white of its + bloated flesh. Summoning up your courage, you flip the corpse over + onto its back and are shocked to see the face of the 37th President + of these United States, Richard Milhouse Nixon! + + Your surprise at seeing the former leader of the free world + increases tremendously when his lips start to move and you hear him + speak! + + "Please.. let me explain..", he rasps in an a voice that sounds + like a creaking door. + + * If you listen to what Tricky Dick has to say, go to [12]. + * If you run like hell from the undead Richard Nixon, go to [13]. + + [11] (Zooey) + + As you clamber quickly out of the water, flailing your arms and + legs and cursing the day mom fell in love with your swimming instructor + and daddy pulled you out of classes at the Y, your foot catches in a + sinkhole underwater, and everything goes black. When you come to in + a coughing fit some time later, spewing dark water around you, nothing + looks familiar, and the friends you abandoned are nowhere to be found. + Once you rise unsteadily to your feet, though, you notice that one thing + at least is still with you--the clammy hand and detached forearm of the + corpse! You notice that the hand has six fingers, which probably + accounts for the firm grip that it has. + + * If you want to take a closer look at your new treasure, go to [18]. + * If you couldn't sooner be rid of the thing, throw it into the bushes + and run towards what you think may be upstream, go to [19]. + + [12] (Isaac) + + Your instincts tell you to run or quickly find something heaven + to beat down the abomination, but are you feeling sympathetic and down + right cheeky today like a curious little monkey. So, you lean towards + him in hopes better understanding his dying-old-lady voice. That is + when his hand shoots out and he seizes the side of your head and hair. + You scream such a high tone it can barely be heard by human ears. Oh, + and you die after he bites a large chuck of your head off. The end. + + [13] (Swiss Pope) + + Heart racing, you sprint through the forest alone until you come + to a clearing to catch your breath. Was what you have seen real? You + recall the day at school when your civics teacher announced the former + President's death-- surely that could not have been him! But the + corpse's beady eyes, widow's peak in the hair, nose of a crooked Quaker + leaves no doubt in your mind that it was indeed Richard Milhouse Nixon. + Suddenly you hear the sounds of voices and footsteps-- could they be your + friends, could they be hunters, could they possible be... ARMY GUYS? + + * If you want to hide, hoping that you are not discovered, go to [28]. + * If you want to shout out, letting yourself be known, go to [29]. + + [14] (Isaac) + + With the on-slot of screaming and emotion you decide to take out + your shit and smoke for awhile. As you do you feel yourself lose grip + on reality and you pass out, probably as a result of bad weed. You have + a dream about a small naked girl in an oriental garden who stabs you in + the chest with a very large knife. You wake up to a quiet morning sun + rise and the sound of birds and a softly trickling scream. + + * If you would like to find your friends, go to [26]. + * If you would like to find your way home, go to [27]. + + [15] (Ziego Vuantar) + + YOUR FRIENDS ARE STUPID! YOU THREATEN TO CUT THEM TO BITS AGAIN + AND AGAIN TO SILENCE THEIR MISERABLE EXISTENCES... BUT DO THEY LISTEN? + OF COURSE NOT! THAT'S JUST LIKE YOU DUMB, SELF-CENTERED, CAPITALISTIC + AMERICANS. YOU KILL THEM ALL AND THEN KILL YOURSELF AND MAKE ZIEGO + VUANTAR VERY VERY HAPPY! THE END. + + [16] (kaia) + + But faster than you can say "uncle," the many-eyed beholder + lunges towards you, folds of its gnarled, rubbery-loose flesh slopping + you like punching bags knocking you to the ground. Its hot and sour + breath sears your face as you withdraw your boyscout knife and drive it + fast and hard, many times, into the space between the eyes. Star bucks + Coffee trickles from some of the wounds, while irish cream pours from + others. Sweet nectar of the gods! You take out a tin cup and start to + collect fluid to drink. + + * If you've decided to get wired on Star bucks, go to [34]. + * If you've decided to get plastered on Bailey's, go to [35]. + + [17] (Swiss Pope) + + "What's this?" you ask, referring to the small black palmable + device with the words "DON'T PANIC" on the cover. + + "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's a sort of electronic + book. It tells you everything you need to know about anything. That's + its job," says the Beholder. + + You turn it over nervously in your hands. + + "I like the cover," you say. "Don't Panic. It's the first + helpful or intelligible thing anybody's said to me all day." + + Suddenly, Douglas Adams comes trotting through the forest, + accompanied by his lawyers from Simon and Schuster, spouting off + gibberish about copyright infringement, then teleports you to Traal, + where you are promptly eaten by the mind boggling stupid Bugblatter + Beast. The end. + + [18] (tasha) + + You take a deep breath and slowly begin prying the pale hand off + of your wrist, grimacing at your fingers, which are sinking into the + bloated flesh. A drop of watered down blood drips from the detached + forearm of the corpse and onto your already soaked jeans. You swallow + the lumps in your throat, and prepare to fully examine your new toy. + You notice a few, previously oozing, sores near the wrist. + + * If you wish to examine these sores more, go to [20]. + * If you wish to hold on to the forearm, and try to find your way home + to show it to your parents, go to [21]. + + [19] (Teerts) + + in a slight fit of panic, you feverishly try to detach the + autonomous six-fingered hand and forearm from your arm. unsuccessful, + you sit around for about a half hour thinking of a way to get the damned + thing off...after much thought you decide to chew the bastard off, but + since the hand has six fingers, you instead go for the thumb to speed + things up and finally you remove the thing from your arm. you bring + the arm high as you are about to throw it into some nearby brush but + then you decide that you liked the taste of the meat as you chewed your + way free from the arm. you bite off two of the remaining digits and + pocket them for later...you know, just in case... you walk off into + the woods in search of another trail. + + * if you want to keep searching for a trail go to [39]. + * if you decide to camp here and wait around until you are dry before + continuing your journey, go to [40]. + + [20] (Ewheat) + + After admiring the materialistic attributes of the sores, you + implement your 2nd-grade knowledge of the Newton Laws upon the + observing procedure. You benchmark its durability by adding velocity + to it as you throw it against a nearby tree. + + A bear comes out, you regret not voting for Reagan. You're dead. + The end. + + [21] (Tasha) + + You wrinkle your nose, and get a firm grip on the forearm and + hand, before quickly jumping to your feet and fighting your way through + the low-hanging branches. You run as fast as you can, and finally exit + from the woods onto a street you know to be only a few blocks from your + house. You hide the arm under your shirt, and turn a few corners, + headed toward your house. You walk in to your mother asking where + you've been. + + * If you apologize and take the arm to your room, go to [22]. + * If you show the arm to your mother, go to [23]. + + [22] (Anjee) + + You mumble some lame excuse that your mother doesn't buy and + head for the mess that is known as your bedroom, still hiding the + forearm under your shirt. However, as you were running up the stairs, + your new toy falls from your shirt and begins tumbling down the flight + of stairs, landing on your dogs head "yELP!@". Your mother walks up + to the dog and finds the rotten forearm and thoroughly examines it. + You begin to wonder why she hasn't screamed yet, and slowly approach + your mother only to see a grin draw onto her face -- she's contemplating + something! + + * If your mother bites into the forearm and swallows a mouthful of + rotten flesh and maggots, go to [24]. + * If your mother violently slaps you around with the arm, go to [25]. + + [23] (Anjee) + + You discard your mother's question and quickly pull the forearm + out from under of your shirt and hold it inches from your mother's face. + Unlike you expected, she does not ask where the hell you got THAT from, + but hits your arm with extreme force, causing you to launch the forearm + in mid-air... landing into the soup she was preparing on the stove. + You grin evilly and begin to chuckle, asking your mother if she's hungry. + Mother bolts towards the phone with steam coming out of her ears and + dials the number to the nearest loony bin. You are locked up in a + mental institute for the rest of your life, no one ever visits you, and + you become best friends with a spider, but it dies a few days later so + you kill yourself also. The end. + + [24] (Zeigo Vuantar) + + YOUR MOTHER, REMEMBERING HER ROOTS OF AN IMPRISONED CHILD IN A + DARK, POOR PRISON CELL, SUFFERING AT THE HANDS OF OPPRESSION, WAS FORCED + TO EAT FOREARMS SUCH AS THIS ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS. SHE BITES DOWN, AND + THE BLOOD POURS OUT, FLOWING DOWN HER CHIN, HER NECK, AND COLORING HER + DRESS DARK RED. YOU TRY TO SCREAM... BUT YOU ARE DEAD. FOR NO GOOD + REASON. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!#@#@ THE END. + + [25] (Kreid) + + THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD is the last word you can hear before + you find yourself staring blankly at the blank ceiling of your now + dead-silent home. You feel most of your senses leaving you -- but you + definitely sense that you are lying in something wet. "What could this + be that I'm lying in?" you wonder, but it's too late for that kind of + thinking because you feel you are losing it... losing your... no-- + + you see a white light in front of you. + + * If you want to follow the light, go to [30]. + * If you want to try to hold on to your life, go to [31]. + + [26] (Ewheat) + + When your high school teacher told you to read Marx, you shushed + The Communist Manifesto for an evening of Jennifer Aniston and Matthew + LeBlanc in NBC's "Friends." You've resorted to marijuana and other + social-dependent drugs because of this. + + You toke a joint and realize these friends of yours aren't + really your friends, and they'll never amount up to a masturbation + session over-reviewing Courtney Cox and Lisa Kudrow's chest-sizes... + + You lose all friends. Become a hermit. Write a best-seller + that nobody understands but your "intellectual muse." Hahaha, you + loser! The end! + + [27] (Ziego Vuantar) + + BUT YOU CAN'T GO HOME BECAUSE YOUR HOME HAS BEEN DESTROYED AND + IS NOT UNDER CONTROL OF THE OPPRESSIVE GOVERNMENT REGIME! YOUR FAMILY, + FRIENDS, AND EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND LOVE HAS DISAPPEARED AND YOU ARE + ALONE, NAKED, AND THE IRONIC FOOT OF CAPITALISM HAS SHOVED ITS FOOT + STRAIGHT UP YOUR DESERVING ASS! YOU *DIE*, FUCKER!!! BURN IN HELL!!!!! + THE END. + + [28] (AnonGirl) + + You search for the nearest hiding place, and stumble upon a small + log that you could fit in. You slide inside the wet log and keep a + close watch on the things outside when you suddenly feel something + moving at your feet. You light a match to see what's down there, and + find a small brown baby bear trying to squeeze its way out. You + nervously turn back facing forward, only to discover two giant bear feet + staring at you. 'Oh shit!', you think, as you begin to hear the + crunching sounds of wet wood and feel sharm bear claws tearing away at + your body. The end! + + [29] (Jook) + + Turning your head ever so slightly to the right, you see the + fine men of the American Armed Forces. With their guns pointed at the + tip of your nose, you wonder what you should do about this precarious + position. "Excuse me," you say "I'm not really sure what to do here. + I mean, you've got a gun, I don't. What to do?" + + Annoyed at your words, one of the soldiers puts the gun in your + mouth. "We do not like you. Your shoes are untied, your pants hang too + low, your hair isn't cut very nicely, and you need to make a dentist + appointment. Oh, and you need a suit because you're getting old now." + + "Pleagh," you mumble, wishing they could hear you beg for your + life, but within seconds, you hear the twitch of the officer's finger, + the gunshot, and ultimately your body slump to the ground. + + "Get a damn suit and pull your pants up, damn hippie." + + * If you pull your pants up, which may save your life, go to [36]. + * If you don't, go to [29]. + + [30] (Kreid) + + You find that you can't quite walk, but you follow the light... + you... hover into it. Some time passes, maybe? if time existed? but it + seems irrelevant to you, as you are quite overwhelmed, and quite + confused; by nothing in particular, just nothingness. All white. + + You hover idly, in some kind of motion, for a while, until a + voice comes into your head, booming. It speaks: + + * If you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, + go to [32]. + * If you are an unrepenting heathen, go to [33]. + + [31] (Tortoise) + + As you struggle to regain control of your dirty, rash-splotched + body, a gentle voice offers you a jar of honey. Your senses are + instantly overwhelmed by images of the sweet, mellifluous substance + dripping from your fingertips and onto your tongue, and you relinquish + control of what used to be your body. the end. + + [32] (AltRocks) + + Suddenly you feel yourself being whacked away at phenomenal + speeds. You see the light getting closer and closer, and closer, until + it seems to be right there. Then you notice a man standing there with + a flashlight. He says to you "What did you expect there to be. God? + HAHAHA!" The end. + + [33] (AltRocks) + + You hear a deep voice speaking to you, from your head, "Good + choice. Maybe you're not such a putz after all. But you still have a + long way to go. Now is the time to prove that your not some dumb text + file writing computer geek with no real life sckillz. You must go thru + a series of trials of the physical, mental, and emotional types. You + will wish there was a hell after you're done. + + * If you accept the challenge go to [37]. + * If you refuse the challenge go to [38]. + + [34] (Kaia) + + The Star bucks coffee is a thousand degrees hot and instantly + grills your insides into jerky. Your friends, now starving because + they had lost their fearless leader, stumble upon the freshly-grilled + meat. As they realize it's not a mirage, they devour your lean, + hickory-smoked flesh. Serves you right for patronizing franchises + that mercilessly devour their small business competitors! The end. + + [35] (AnonGirl) + + You begin to chug away the Bailey's, beginning to feel tipsy. + After deciding you've had enough to drink, you sit back against a + large tree and smoke a cigarette, taking in the wonderful nature air. + Suddenly the tree begins to shake. You stand up and stare at the + shaking tree for a while when out of nowhere a giant cycloptic behemoth + jumps out from the treetop. Standing face to face with the tall + monster, you notice the items on its belt consist of swords, daggers, + knives, and coconut shell shot glasses... and it seems to know kung-fu. + + * To run for your life, go to [41]. + * To challenge the cycloptic beast in a drinking contest, go to [42]. + + [36] (Mogel) + + You attempt to pull up your pants, but accidentally stroke + your genitals. Go to [49]. + + [37] (Mistawho) + + You are whisped away to an open pasture, there seems to only + be you. + + "This'll be the physical test, kill your opponent and you'll + move to the next test." + + Simple enough, right? But that opponent so happens to be + Jackie Chan. As he politely removes your testicles and shoves them + down your throat, you only manage to utter, "holy fucking shit." + Go to [41]. + + [38] (AltRocks) + + The voice materializes in front of you in the form of an orange + midget with green hair. He looks at you, shakes his head, and asks you, + "Why did you have to make it so hard?" He then reaches into a small + pouch drooped around neck and pulls out a gun. You try to run, but he + guns you down like the stupid snimal you are. He then calls for his + midget friends to join in a barbecue of your remains. The end. + + [39] (Mistawho) + + Three hours and one finger later, progress is nil. You keep + finding paths, but with every path comes a dead end. Finally seeing + light deep down a well-hidden path, you follow it and find the + cheerleader and the nerd, they follow you down the path further, and + you notice what might be an exit. + + "Don't worry guys," you say as you are looking over your + shoulder, "I think I've found a way....." + + Fate interrupts you, as you have discovered a 200 foot drop off, + while pondering on the long fall, you realize you are indeed an idiot. + The end. + + [40] (Teerts) + + you clear off a fire pit and even drag a big rock over so you can + sit, but when you're about to build your fire, you realize that you + don't have matches... "AHA!" you exclaim as you reach in your fifth + pocket for your zippo...you start to cry when you find that your + favorite lighter is gone too! you sit on your rock and start munching + on your fingerfoodsnacks when you notice that the temperature is + dropping, rapidly. Since you are such an socially elitist mofo, you + think you can handle it and just decide to wait out the nite... colder + it gets... your core body temperature drops way below 37 and hypothermia + sets in... you are never seen again. the end. + + [41] (Quarex) + + You start to run for your life. Fortunately for you, reality + works a lot like a King's Quest game, and the kung-fu beast + mysteriously moves much slower than your keyboard parsed input allows + you to move. You easily elude the lumbering beast, and find yourself + along side a peaceful pond, surrounded by happy woodland creatures. + You think you hear an Erasure song playing in the background. There + is a broken baseball bat near the pond's edge, and you smell the faint + odor of vanilla. There are paths leading north and south. + + * To follow a path to the north or the south, go to [45]. + * To dive into the pond, go to [46]. + + [42] (Neko) + + You challenge the cycloptic beast to a drinking contest. The + beast leads you to his cave, even further off the path than you already + were. Inside his cave you see a table with two chairs. On the table sit + two shot glasses as well as a tray of pickles. You look at the pickles + in bewilderment until the beast explains that they are all he has to + chase drinks with. The beast then invites you to look into his liquor + cabinet and choose the evening's drink of choice. + + * If you grab a bottle of Smirnoff and pour two shots, go to [43]. + * If the bottle of Jack's catches your eye, go to [44]. + + [43] (Quarex) + + Hesitantly grabbing the bottle of Smirnoff from the cabinet, you + proceed to pour a shot for you and the horrible cycloptic beast. He + looks you straight in the eye, says "Here's looking at you, Kid," and + downs the shot in a split second. He then grabs the bottle and finishes + the rest of it off before you even have a chance to look at your + shot glass a second time. You hoist the shot glass to your lips and down + the shot. Oops, you forgot that alcohol is a poison. You are dead. + The end. + + [44] (Ilsundal & Metal Chick) + + You hastefully grab the bottle brewed by your good friend Mr. + Daniels, and prepare to pour yourself a shot. The beast abruptly grabs + the bottle after you set it down, and pours himself one. Clenching your + glass, you take a rapid gulp of the liqour, as it burns your throat on + the way down. "Goes down smooth," you shout out, gasping for air in the + process. You notice that this brew has a rather funny after taste, but + none-the-less, you match the cycloptic beast shot for shot. The beast + grins evilly as he watches your body plummet to the cold stone floor. + + Hours later, you sense a feeling of warth beating down on your + cheeks. Opening your eyes, you are practically blinded by the sunbeams + shining down from the bright blue sky. You then realize you are no + longer in the beast's cave, and begin to wonder what became of your + friends, if they are alright, and where the hell you are at this + present time. Looking to your side, you notice you are in the middle + of a ring of mushrooms, in a clearing in the forest. Moments later, + you hear an enchanting combination of chimes, harps, and bells. Three + inch winged figures then descend from the sky, each surrounded by a + unique colored aura. + + * If you decide to speak with one of these creatures, go to [47]. + * If you decide to dance to the beautiful music, go to [48]. + * If you decide to eat one of the mushrooms, go to [50]. + + [45] (Trilobyte) + + you leave the distinctly new-age homosexual portion of the + mysterious woods and walk a few thousand feet in a northward direction. + Your head implodes, explodes, MINDWARP. Are you LISTENING to WHAT I'M + SAYING? + + YOU ARE STANDING IN AN OPEN FIELD WEST + OF A WHITE HOUSE, WITH A BOARDED FRONT + DOOR. + THERE IS A SMALL MAILBOX HERE. + + > OPEN MAILBOX [goto 53] + > GO WEST [goto 54] + + [46] (aster) + + after you dive into the murky purple water several happy rabbits + follow you them being the happy sheep that they are. you don't feel + very wet, and are able to breath very well so you wonder..*what could + have happened* you open your eyes and find yourself in a deep + underground fortress filled with kings and queens and flowers and three + little pigs and a wolf and her puppies and a dandelion. you look next + to you to find the happy sheep rabbits that had followed you into this + purply pinkish darkish place and you saw nothing but dried out rabbit + hides sewn into little mittens and hats. you instantly forget the rabbit + sheep and grab the cute, warm, things and try them on, they then reach + up and stick forks that have apple pie and whipped cream in your eyes + and up you nose and in you ears until you die a slow, agonizing death. + the end. + + [47] (Mutter) + + "Hello, there," you say to one of the winged creatures which + lands gracefully on your hand. She hesitates to speak for a few seconds + but then utters in a high-pitched fairy voice what sounds like, "Fuck + you, mother bitch!" Appalled at what you hear, you clasp your hands + together, thus crushing the fairy with a loud crunch. Upon seeing the + gooey remains, the other fairies start to attack by throwing man-eating + jelly beans at you. + + Apparently you were unaware that "Fuck you, mother bitch" was a + very polite greeting in fairy-ese -- sucks for you. The end. + + [48] (Ilsundal & Metal Chick) + + Not at all intimidated by what you see, you proceed to stand, and + dance to the most enchanting music. The creatures are pleased by what + they see, and dance along with you. Brilliant flashes of color seem to + trigger all of your senses -- sight, taste, smell, touch, and hearing. + What seems like no longer then a nano second, you see the sun rising, and + setting in an endless loop, as the faery folk dance most vigorously with + you. Never have you seen such a sight in all of your existence, + unknowingly that this is what you will see for the rest of your + existence. The End. + + [49] (PezMonkey) + + Your touch accidentally excites your genital region. Your now + erect penis fascinates the Army Men, as it is the biggest, hardest, + throbbingest cock they have ever seen. Because they are, after all, + Army Men, they decide they would like to watch you bone your + role-playing, Dragonlance-owning buddy hardcore. "Keep your pants + down," they yell at you, and force the Geek (whose name, by the way, + is Gary Coleman Salomoski) to bend down in front of you. You ram your + manhood into his ass. + + * If you enjoy this, and want to continue, for the pleasure of both the + Army Men and yourself, go to [51]. + * If you are scared of what the Army Men might require next, and whisper + in Gary Coleman Salomoski's ear to RUN, go to [52]. + + [50] (aster) + + you love mushrooms, they are your *friend*. but they are very + very very very very evil, so you must be very very very very careful. + you eat it and enjoy it mixing in some dandelion greens and carrots + and rabbit heads. Then you die because the rabbit's bodies come out + and break your legs with mallet and shove your head into a bicycle + spokes on it's way to town. the end. + + [51] (Mogel) + + The fact that this has been such an utterly strange day, + already has made you reconsider your identity. Your mind is set free, + and you enter a dream-like state, while your body continues having anal + sex. You enter into an out-of-body experience, and are able to float + about the world freely, like you never have before. You more free than + you ever have in your life. + + * If you think this is scary, and want to return to the mundane world + of anal sex, go to [74]. + * If you want to relive the experience in 6th grade, where you didn't + have enough guts to kiss Melissa Dicter on the lips, go to [75]. + * If you want to explore the woods more, floating about, go to [76]. + + [52] (Meenk) + + You tell your buddy to do his best Carl Lewis impersonation at + your signal. You pound into his tight, bleeding rectum, watching for a + chance to escape. The army du0ds begin to get restless and start joking + with each other. One of them starts to tell a long faggot joke and you + slap your pal on the ass, HARD. He takes off like a greyhound on pcp. + You underestimated his acceleration and find yourself writhing on the + floor, screaming, as your friend escapes, your torn penis hanging out + of his asshole. The army du0ds are pissed that you interrupted their + jokes and begin to kick and beat you. They get a large stick and ram + it into your ass, tearing through your intestines, puncturing your + lung. You drown on your own blood. The end. + + [53] (TanAdept) + + Opening the mailbox reveals a small leaflet. + + > READ LEAFLET + + The leaflet is, upon closer examination, a postcard + addressed to: "Marc Powell, 2122 Elmwood, Wilmette, IL" + Apparently, it's from a woman named Arual, who wants + to trade an emerald she has for a cat named Kiki. + A return address has been provided. + + * If you want to offer Arual something else instead, go to [55]. + * If you want to try to mail yourself to Australia, go to [56]. + * If you want to > GO NORTH, go to [57]. + + [54] (TanAdept) + + You would need a machete to go further west. + + Fortunately, your Boy Scout Vorpal Blade comes close + enough, and you hack your way west into reaches + unimagined by prior adventurers. + + Unfortunately, you realize that, since no one was ever + expected to be able to get to this location, you've + come to the edge of the world. + + * If you jump off, go to [58]. + * If you turn around to go back to the house, go to [59]. + + [55] (Phairgirl) + + You use your trusty Boy Scout Transporter Beam to fling yourself + to the address she had provided. You knock upon the door to find + yourself confronted by a humongous set of breasts and a big toothy + smile. However, she notices you don't have Kiki with you. And before + you can offer the services of your plethora of whores or a cut in your + investments with the Italian mafia, she vaporizes you with her laser + vision. The end. + + [56] (Deadpan) + + You attempt to remove your extremities so that you can fit the + trunk of your body into the mailbox. However, once you have removed + your legs, genitalia, and left arm, you realize that you have nothing + with which to remove your right arm with and at any rate, you can't + reach to mailbox to pull yourself in. You ponder this Disco Ball World + as you lie, impotently in a pool of your own, surprisingly tangy, + bodily fluids. Eventually you get bored and go home. The end. + + [57] (Meenk) + + > GO NORTH + + You walk up the street to the Pet Store and spend your last few + bucks on a cat. It is a pretty shabby cat, with bald spots, matted fur, + and bent whiskers. Hey, it was cheap. You tie a rope around it's neck + with a homemade sign that says 'Kiki'. You get a box, throw in some + chicken nuggets and a no-spill cup of ice, and stuff the cat inside. + When the mailman comes, you give him the box, purchase an 'OVERNIGHT' + sticker and postage, then kick back and wait. Two weeks later, after + you forgot the woman in Australia and the cat, you received a big + package. You open it, and inside is the BIGGEST FUCKING EMERALD you + have ever seen. You sell it and get some cocaine, cocktails, and + naked party freaks. The end. + + [58] (Phairgirl) + + As your memories swell up into the back of your mind, you realize + that jumping isn't going to be the worst thing in your life. Your life + was entirely worthless. From the day your pastor spanked you with the + golden chalice to the time your mother pawned your Transformers, you've + known that over the edge was the only way to go. Your jump, a perfectly + executed swan dive, was graceful and exhilarating. However, to your + dismay, you land on a mountain of marshmallows. + + * To finish what you've started with your Boy Scout Vorpal Blade, + go to [62]. + * To eat the marshmallows, go to [63]. + + [59] (Deadpan) + + As you turn around to go back to the house, John Dillinger steps + out from behind a (before un-noticed) tree holding an advanced sniper + rifle. You realize that you are now in Dallas, Texas with a rather + nice view of Jackie O. cradling John F. Kennedy's broken head in her + lap. He takes a look at you, surprised for a moment, and says "Hail + Eris." + + * If you respond "All Hail Discordia.", go to [60]. + * If you swoon like a pansy, go to [61]. + + [60] (Nybar) + + You say it loud and say it proud. Sadly, the FUCKING OINKERS + hear and GUN YOU THE FUCK DOWN! YOU'RE DEAD! + + * If you choose Arlington National, go to [64]. + * If you choose Los Crazy Mexicans Upside-Down Burial Parlor, go to [65]. + + [61] (Nybar) + + You swoon. When you wake up two hours later, you are in an + underground detention center. Worse yet, you have a monster erection. + "Maybe I can help you with that." "Cripes," you think, "it's Natasha, + my deadly love interest. And yet, I do have a rather large erection..." + As she helps you with your pants, your quick, undercover mind devises a + solution to this deadly problem. She takes your pants off. + + "Give me a blow-job!", you command! + + "Surely dahlink, but only if joo will pleasure my haht loinS + aftah. For you see.. I am the wife of Adolf Hitler! And he is impotent + in one ball, which leaves me not getting any!" + + "Ok, if only I can cum hard enough..." you think as she sucks. + "Ok, here goes." You imagine a naked italian, and the resulting + cum-river knocks her into the wall. You use your 1960's teenage, + special agent muscles to snap the urridium bondage gear you are held + captive in. + + A red-velvet chair swivels around. A debonaire man sitting in it + says "Very impressive, agent-K. But next time, keep your pants on! + Now, which assignment would you like next?" + + * If you respond "Let me kill Hitler!", go to [66] . + * If you respond "Let me find out who dog-napped your poodle!", + go to [67]. + + [62] (Caitlin) + + You start to pull out your Boy Scout blade, but realize there are + walls made up of cucumbers and pizza. Blushing, you remember when you + were penetrated with a cucumber in a very uncomfortable place by your + baby sitter when you were 8 years old. You slide your hand quickly down + your pants, assuming that since you can't see anyone, that nobody is + really there. A small hole develops in the pizza wall, and Mother + Angelica, the popular televangelist, excretes through it like a sticky, + gooey puddle of mud. She reveals to you the secrets of the Universe + and you cry, realizing that when your great aunt masturbated with your + naked Totally Hair barbie, that you were voted to be thrown into a + bright pink jail cell, with a beautiful naked hermaphrodite. It's a + beautiful thing. The end. + + [63] (Avenger) + + You eat marshmallows and giggle like a schoolgirl. Yay! that + felt good. You giggle like a schoolgirl for several minutes. Is this + fun or what? + + Richard Nixon walks over and begins to draw a diagram of the + Reagan administration on your arm. Henry Kissinger covers a mole. Hmm. + This annoys you. + + Marcia Brady walks over. She attempts to piss standing up. + Unsuccessful, she helps to giggle like a schoolgirl. + + Hillary Clinton walks over. She pulls out a large piece of + styrofoam. She stuffs it in your mouth, and you can no longer giggle + like a schoolgirl. + + This tragedy causes your brain to explode. Marcia Brady is now + eating pieces of your head. The end. + + [64] (Oeb) + + You choose to be buried in Arlington National but the waiting + list for people like you doesn't exist. Your corpse rots forgotten and + you wish you had been cremated. Due to fact you had no proper burial + (or corpse disposal for that matter) your soul wanders around a new + existence. It's awfully confusing for you. + + Go to [99]. + + [65] (Kyst) + + Your friends and family journey to Los Crazy Mexican's + Upside-Down Burial Parlor to pay their last respects to you. After + searching all of Texas for the Burial Parlor you have chosen, they find + Los Crazy Mexicans Upside-Down Burial Parlor. The place is a mess, it + didn't occur to you that all of the furniture would be on the ceiling + and therefore your friends would have nowhere to sit, but oh well, that + isn't your problem now, is it? The small crowd gathers around the small + chandelier in the center of the room, below your coffin. A priest walks + into the room and begins the eulogy in Spanish. Everyone begins to cry + and do not notice that a young man is trying to peer into your coffin. + This must be Los Crazy Mexican!!! Hadn't someone warned you about him?! + Bewildered, your loved ones watch as Los Crazy Mexican opens your + coffin. Your corpse spills out and hits the floor with an extremely + loud, meaty "THUD!" sound. This "THUD!" apparently awoke the Los Crazy + Mexicans Upside-Down Burial Parlor's dog. Startled, he leaps from the + corner of the parlor. + + * If the dog starts humping your family's legs and pissing on your + carcass, go to [72]. + * If the dog begins to devour your dead body, go to [73]. + + [66] (Vyrus) + + "So, you wish to kill Hitler? Are you stupid? This is the 90's, + you fucking moron. And you're stuck in a badly written B-Movie by a + Quintin Tarentino wanna be@!" + + Screams. Blackness. + + You faintly remember passing out and waking up where John + Dillinger had pointed a highly advanced sniper rifle in your face. + + Unfortunately for you, John Dillinger is still there and he + proceeds to take your face off with the butt of his shotgun. + + * If you pick your face back up and smush it back on your skull, + go to [68]. + * If you use your Boy Scout WannabeMachete to hack HIS face off and + put it on your skull, go to [69]. + + [67] (Vyrus) + + "NOBODY DOG-NAPPED MY POODLE BITCH@! THAT WAS A TRICK!@# ALL + HAIL HITLER AND NOW YOU DIE LIKE THE MUCASY POND SCUM YOU ARE@!" + + You look at Dr. Debonaire like he's some kind of fucking weirdo, + and he seems taken aback. Like, you were supposed to flinch or + something? + + "Fuck you, d00d. I trade warez. I don't do investigations for + flamers in velvet red chairs. Your bitch gives good head though." + + BLAMMO. You're dead. Dr. Debonaire decided that his bitch + giving you head wasn't a good thing at all. + + Either that or he just didn't like you. + + THE FUCKING END. + + [68] (Oeb) + + You quickly reach down to grab your face and smush it back on + your skull. Success! The blood dried and clotted just perfectly to hold + a permanently disgruntled visage. You, however, realize that John + Dillinger is still there and still holding a shotgun -- with intent of + using it. You think about pleading for mercy, but what good would it + do, your face is permanently marked, "pissed off." + + John Dillinger promptly sticks the barrel of the gun in your + mouth and pulls the trigger removing the head you had just affixed your + face onto. And you're sad because life goes on. You end. + + [69] (Avenger) + + You now notice the little boy masturbating in the corner, who has + eluded your view this entire time. He looks rather happy, and you ask + him for a $20 to buy some crack. + + "Fuck you, jizzsniffer; I've had enough of all your shit; I'm + friends with some powerful people, you know! Richard Nixon, Hillary + Clinton, and Marcia Brady, just to name a few!" + + The boy masturbates angrily, to emphasize his words. + + You find this rather funny, and decide to hack something. + Finding nothing to hack, you decide to giggle. yeah. giggle. + + * If you choose to giggle like a schoolgirl, go to [63]. + * If you choose to giggle like a random blunt object, go to [70]. + + [70] (Avenger) + + You giggle like a random blunt object. In this case, an 80-lb. + UNIX manual. For no good reason, you hear the theme to Rocky IV. Rocky + ambles towards you. + + "hey! i'm here to save philadelphia!" rocky mutters as he punches + the small masturbating boy's foot. You decide to ponder why donuts have + a hole in them. For desperate guys to fuck? As necklaces for very small + Swedes? + + Richard Nixon and Rocky decide to have an apocalyptic conflict. + Oh well, something to pass time. + + Hmm. This is pretty fucked up. You wonder who invented the + donut. You wonder why Rocky has a black eye, 30 years after the filming + of the movie. + + * If you choose to watch Rocky XV and eat paste, go to [71]. + * If you choose to molest Richard Nixon and be extremely confused, + go to [99]. + + [71] (Cstone) + + You grab a random jar of paste and settle down to watch Rocky XV. + (Fortunately, it's been years since you've seen any of the Rocky movies, + so you're entertained by the movie.) You're so engrossed that you don't + notice the peeling red toxic chemical warning label on the jar of paste, + and you mistake the burning nausea from the toxins for hunger pains. + You die. The end. + + [72] (Ior) + + as the dog pisses on your corpse, you suddenly feel strange + urges, and are surprised as you reawaken as a vampire! you waste no + time in making the dog your vampire slave, and proceed to the rest of + your family. you manage to take out your asshole step-father first + (you've always had a thing about him), but as you step towards your + religious-nut cousin, he pulls out a cross and drives you back! since + you're still not used to your new vampire body, you stumble over your + own feet and fall backwards onto a strategically placed wooden stake. + your body burns up and you know no more. the end. + + [73] (Kyst) + + The dog ravenously tears through your rotting flesh. Los Crazy + Mexicans Upside-Down Burial Parlor apparently didn't bother to use + embalming fluid on you which explains the smell of the place at least. + The beast rips you limb from limb, scattering your remains all over + your family who shriek with disbelief. The hungry dog shakes you around + like a rag-doll, splattering your stringy, gooey remains onto the walls + of Los Crazy Mexicans Upside-Down Burial Parlor in this botched attempt + to lay your weary body to rest. The end. + + [74] (LilNilHil) + + You quickly snap back to your senses and realize you are banging + Gary Coleman. Slowly you extract yourself from Gary as to not anger his + washed-up security gaurd ass. This does not work, Gary pulls out a gun, + the army men pull out more guns, and lot's of people die. Including + your lame, homophobic asshole. No one misses you. The end. + + [75] (Miasma) + + This dream-like state enables you to go back in time in your + mind. You see yourself floating past masturbatory experiments with Pop + Rocks when you were 15, masturbatory experiments with Puddles, the + neighborhood dog, when you were 14 and masturbatory experiments with two + gallons of peach Jello just a couple of days ago. You finally make your + way back to the time you got too scared to kiss Melissa Dicter on the + lips. There she is standing, wearing a baby tee clinging to her ripe + breasts exposing her firm nipples pointing out at you, inviting you, + and she's also wearing a pair of jeans hugging ever curve of her body. + "Oh God, take me NOW!" she screams at you, her chest heaving, her body + yearning. + + * If you want to grab her, rip off her clothes, and whip out your + member, go to [79]. + * If you want to tell her "I dunno... what would my mommy say?", + go to [80]. + + [76] (LilNilHil) + + You begin to see visions of large bouncing percentage symbols + singing the oompa loompa song. + + "This is not good... oh shit," you say, just as a large + percentage shaped creature jumps out at you. He has a schlong that can + knock over trucks, he's more pissed off than your father was that night + at the Browns game, and he's just a bubblin' wif snot. His name is + Mister Walltits, and he wants your money. Now. + + * If you would like to pay Mister Walltits, go to [77]. + * If you would like Mister Walltits to go fuck himself, go to [78]. + + [77] (g0ff) + + Checking your inventory, you realize that you have 251 gold, an + uncursed piece of violet glass, a +2 bullwhip, a tripe ration, and a + cheap plastic imitation of the Amulet of Yendor. You drop the gold and + walk away, and the hallucinogen-distorted wood-elf takes the money. + + At that point, you decide to head upstairs and get yourself out + of the dungeon. On your way up, you find a temple to Quetzacoatl + (Lawful) and decide to take up service as a priest of Quetzacoatl. You + live reasonably happy ever after. + + The end. + + [78] (Miasma) + + You turn to this putrid piece of elephant dung and scream "Why + don't you go fuck yourself, Mister Walltits!" He looks at you pensively. + "Thank you, my good man, thank you. I think I will go fuck myself," he + replies. He takes his gigantic schlong... whips it around and inserts + it into one of his percentage sign holes. Your eyes explode from this + impossible and ludicrous site. Your brain hemorrhages, and after you + die, Mister Walltits makes sweet love to your dead carcass. The end. + + [79] (Soybean) + + You go to whip out your throbbing, rock-hard wand of light, only + to find it breaking off in your hands. Melissa's shrieks in fear, her + nipples retreat back into her clingy polyester shirt, and you realize + your last shot at becoming a real, sexual human being is lying + shriveled, becoming colder and greyer, in the palm of your shaking hand. + You collapse in angry, frightened tears -- sobbing so hard you begin to + hyperventilate. No oxygen is entering your lungs!!!! You die! The end. + + [80] (g0ff) + + You remember that your hat says "WWMS", but, forgetting that it + actually stands for "Wild Warez MEoW Society", think to yourself, "What + would mommy say?" Mommy would say, "Clean up your room," "Do the dishes, + please," or "Don't forget about your homework." + + Realizing that all these concepts arise from the adage "Finish + what you've started," you decide that your mother really would have + wanted you to kiss Melissa. You throw your arms around her and get in + one brief kiss which lasts but a brief moment. + + While the kiss is brief, your relationship and love maintain + themselves throughout the rest of your lives, and you and Melissa + continue to walk the path of life in happy bliss, staying forever away + from Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, sports, cheerleaders, and those who + form cliques. + + The end. + + [99] (Squinky & French Cubist-cum-Futurist Poet Guilliame Apollinare & + Metalchic, French Goddess-cum-Squinky's Futurist Wife, Breaking + All Of Mogel's Line Restriction Rules) + + You are weary at last of this ancient world + + Sheperdess O Eiffel tower whose fock of bridges bleats + this morning + + You are tired of living in this Greek and Roman Antiquity + + Here even automobiles look old + Only religion remains fresh religion + as simple as hangars at the airfield + + Alone in Europe you Christianity are not antique + The one modern European is you Pope Pius X + And you whom windows watch what shame keeps you + From enterting a church and confessing your sins this morning + Handbills catalogue advertisements that sing aloud + Furnish your morning's poetry and for prose there are newspapers + Dime detective novels packed with adventure + Biographes of great men a thousand and one titles + + This morning I saw a fine stree whose name slips my mind + New and bright the sun's trumpet + Where executives and workers sweet stenographers + Hurry every weekday dawn and night + Three times a morning sirens groan + A choleric bell barks at noon + Lettering on billboards and walls + Doorplates and posters twitter like parakeets + Charm is in this Paris factory street + Between rue Aumont-Thievelle and the avenue des Ternes + + Here is a young street and you still a small child + Your mother dresses you only in blue and white + You are very pious and with your oldest friend Rene Dalize + You like nothing so much as the ceremonies of the church + Nine o'clock the gass turns blue you slip out of bed + You pray all night in the school chapel + While an eternal adorable amethyst depth + Christ's flaming halo revolves forever + He is the lovely lily we all worship + He is the red-haired torch no wind may blow out + Pale and scarlet son of the sorrowful mother + Tree hung with prayer + Twofold gallows of honor and eternity + Six-pointed star + A God who dies on Friday and rises on Sunday + Christ who flies higher than the aviators + And holds the world's record for altitude + + Christ pupil of the eye + Twentieth pupil of the centuries he knows his business + And changed to a bird this century ascends like Jesus + Devils in hell raise their heads to stare + They say it imitates Simong Magus in Judea + They say if it flies call it a flyer + Angels fly past the graceful trapeze artist + Icarus Enoch Elijah Apollonius of Tyana + Hover near the original airplane + Or give place to those whom the Eucharist elevates + Priests rising continuously as they raise the Host + At last the plane lands with wings outspread + Through heaven come flying a million swallows + At full speed crows owls falcons + Ibises flamingoes storks from Africa + Roc so celebrated in song and story + Clutching Adam's skull the original head + Eagle from the horizon pounces screaming + Hummingbird arrives from America + From China long supple pihis + Who have only one wing and fly in tandem + Here comes the dove immaculate spirit + Escorted by lyrebird and ocellated peacock + That funeral pyre the phoenix engendering himself + Momentarily viels all with his ardent ash + Sirens quit their perilous perches + And arrive each singing beautifully + Everyone eagle phoenix pihis + Fraternizes with the flying machine + + Now you stride alone through the Paris crowds + Busses in bellowing herds roll by + Love's anguish tights in your throat + As if you could never be loved again + In the old days you would have entered the monastery + With shame you ctch yourself praying + Or jeer and your laughter crackles like hellfire + It sparks gild the depths of your life + Which like a painting in a somber museum + You approach sometimes to peer at closely + + Today you stroll through Paris the women are all covered in blood + It was and I would prefer not to remember it was in beauty's decline + + From fervent flames Our Lady gazed down on me in Chartres + Your Sacred Heart's blood drowned me in Montmarte + I am sick of hearing pleasant words + My love is a shameful sickness + You are sleepless anguished but possessed by an image + Which hovers never distant + + Now you are by the Mediterranean + Under lemon trees that flower all year long + With your friends you board a ship + One from Nice one from Menton two from La Turbie + We see terrified in the depths giant squid + And fish the Savior's symbols gliding through seaweed + + You are in a tavern near Prague + You feel happy instad of writing your stories in prose + You stare at a rose on the table and a + rosebug asleep in the rose's heart + + Horrified you trace your likeness in the agates of Saint Vitus + You almost died of grief that day you saw yourself portrayed + as Lazarus blinded by daylight + The hands of the clock in the Jewish quarter run backwards + You also slowly creep backwards through life + Climbing to the Hradchen listening at twilight + To Czech songs from the taverns + + You are in Marseilles among piles of watermellons + + You are in Coblenz at the Giant's hotel + + You are in Rome sitting under a Japanese medlar tree + + You in Amsterdam with a girl you find pretty but who is ugly + And engaged to a student from Leyden + One can rent rooms there in Latin Cubuicula locanda + I remember three days there and three at Gouda + + You are in Paris arraigned before the judge + Arrested like a criminal + + You went on sad and merry journeys + Before growing aware of lies and old age + Love made you unhappy at twenty again at thirty + I have lived like a fool and wasted my youth + You no longer dare examine your hands and at any moment I could + weep + Over you over her whom I love over all that has frightened you + + With tears in your eyes you see the poor emigrants + Who have faith in God and pray the mothers nurse their children + Their smell fills the waiting room at the gare St. Lazare + Like the three kings they believe in a star + Hope to strike it rich in ARgentina + And return home wealthy + One family carries a crimson quilt as you carry your heart + Quilt and our dreams are equally unreal + Some of these emigrants stay on and lodge + In slums on the rue des Rosiers or the rue des Ecouffes + I have seen them often walking at dusk + They keep close to home like chessmen + And are mostly Jewish their wives wear wigs + Pallid they sit at the back of little shops + + You stand at the counter of a dirty bar + You have a coffee for two sous with the other riffraff + + You are in a huge restaurant at night + These women are not evil only wornout + Each has made her lover suffer even the ugliest + + Who is the daughter of a policeman on the Isle of Jersey + + Her hands which I had not noticed are calloused and cracked + + The scars on her belly fill me with immense pity + + I humble my mouth by offering it to a poor slut with a horrible laugh + + You are alone when morning comes + Milkmen clink bottles on the street + + Night leaves like a lovely Metive + Ferdine the false or watchful Lea + + You sip a liquor that burns like your life + Your life you drain like an eau-de-vie + + You stride home to Auteuil + To sleep among your fetishes from Oceania or Guinea + Other forms of Christ and other faiths + Lesses Christ of lesser aspirations + + Adieu Adieu + + The sun a severed neck + + THE END + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #400, WRITTEN BY VARIOUS ARTISTS, 1/4/98 !! + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0401.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0401.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..18c0e1d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0401.txt @@ -0,0 +1,79 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #401 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Jersey Girls Suck (I Wish)" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Hardcore !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/7/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I've come to the overall conclusion that girls that are from + New Jersey don't deserve any oral pleasuring. I'm talking about the + Australian French kiss. You know it's the kiss that's kind of like a + French kiss but down under. You know, Rug cleaning, carpet munching, + clam diving, eating pie, kissing Willie Nelson with bad breath, licking + the dew of the Lilly, or what many others just call cunnlingus, the + so-called technical term. No matter what they call it, the bitch don't + deserve it! Hell, the bitch don't deserve to have anything down there + licked! And if you are going to lick anything down there, lick her + thighs and pretend your going to do something else and then just walk + out of the room. That would really fuck the bitch up! Enough said! + + It all began during finals last year. The girls name was + Queen Shaneeka Rolanda Orlando Vega. It's a pretty long name, so lets + just call her "AMY." Well, you know us college kiddies love to drink. + Well, I was doing this and so was Amy. She started giving me the look, + you know the look "Lets get busy." I've never gotten that look before, + so I couldn't pass up the opportunity. Did the 3 porn movies I've seen + in my lifetime help? Well, the barnyard animal one certainly wasn't + going to help, and neither was the Tommy lee and Pamela lee video + unless I was rolling a joint. So I had to leave it up to Ron Jeremy's + "Boobs a Poppin." I asked to Ron guide me through this journey as I + prayed to him. + + The sexual act then began. I couldn't take off her bra with my + hands, so I decided to use the back up method. My Teeth. It worked + beautifully. So she started like giving me commands... and I was + digging it. She had me do all these weird things to her double d + breasts and I didn't complain one bit! Eventually made it down to the + girls jeans, and unbuttoned them with my teeth and the zipper too, and + there they went! I began the oral sex, and hoped that I'd be a good + trooper. Turns out, she instantly took a liking to it. About 15 + minutes later during one of her many orgasms, she hit her head on my + window sill and I stopped to see if she was ok. But she screamed don't + stop and shoved me back down! About 15 minutes later I was over and + ready for my hard work to be repaid. She, then rolled over and passed + out! + + I figured this could have been alcohol related and planned to do + this again sober. So we did it again, this time very sober. I worked + even longer and better and the same result happened! Sexual + frustration finally hit me. The 3 strikes and your out rule had to be + put in affect for my mental well-being. I decided that I wasn't going + to go down, unless she was going to go down first! It was all working + out fine, when she took off her clothes... she must have been sweaty or + something. But it stunk down there. I wasn't going to go near! Then + before I knew what hit me, her hands forcefully put down there, and I + closed my eyes and prayed for the best. It was a horrible task, but I + worked my best on her for an hour. And guess what, that was it. She + put on her clothes! We peacefully departed. + + Throughout the whole summer, I tried other Jersey girls. I gave + them what they wanted, and I didn't get anything gratification in + return. And trust me, I knew they were liking what I was doing. I must + off netted 10+ plus hours that summer down below and didn't receive + minimum wage or any over time! + + The moral of this story is simple guys: Do not give oral to your + women unless they are going to equally make you happy and to be on the + safe side, let them go first. This is so you know how much pleasure + to give them. It must be the water here in New Jersey, I don't know. + But these women are selfish! They don't appreciate a hard worker like + myself. If you're a Jersey girl, sorry. Pre-payment plan is now in + effect. Thank You! For the girls that are out of state or country, + this doesn't include you. :} I still have faith in you! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #401, WRITTEN BY: HARDCORE - 1/7/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0402.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0402.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..31189003 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0402.txt @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #402 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Why I Am Changing My Handle" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Squinky/AIDS !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/7/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Since 1991 or 1992 or 1993, one of those years, I'm not quite sure + which, I have been known as 'Squinky'. Now, for whatever god-for-SAKEN + reason, this handle has stuck. I want to point out that my average age + was 14 when I picked this handle, and at the time, it was kinda cool + that people were calling me by self-applied name, and it was funny to + have such a basically innocuous handle, because I was such an arrogant + dipshit on the local boards. + + However, years and years have passed since then. In that time, I + have attempted to change my handle on multiple occasions. The first + time, I tried to become 'Maggot Queen', which failed, so I tried a + permutation on my original handle, which stuck a little better, but not + so good. Well, after a while, I tried 'Mayflower/Tug-Tub', but + absolutely *no one* liked that but me, and not a single person called + me it. More recently, I've half-heartedly tried to go for 'Jumpin' + Jumbaliah Joo-Joo Jugular Krazy Kobek", but not even I have the + fortitude to make that particular handle happen. + + Sigh. + + No matter how much I tried to change my handle, whenever I would + encounter computer people, in real life or otherwise, they would always + say, "HI SQUINK!$!" or "HI SQUINKY!@%!@" or just "FUCK ME!@$" + + After much debate and speculation, I think I have come to a + conclusion as to why I was never able to replace the awful moniker, and + why no one would ever take a handle change seriously. It comes down to + the fact that the word "SQUINKY" is much catchier than anything else + I've tried. If I was ever to choose a new handle, I would have to + overcome this problem. + + Well, I think I finally have found a handle that has easy name + recognition and is just as catchy, if not more so, than "SQUINKY". Plus, + it's easy to abbreviate, which seems to have been a major factor in the + appeal of "SQUINKY". HEY SQUINK! HEY SQUINKY! HERE BOY! HERE BOY + HERE! + + From now on, Squinky is dead. + + You may now call me Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. + + or "AIDS", for short. + + Thank you for your time. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #402, WRITTEN BY: SQUINKY/AIDS - 1/7/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0403.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0403.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1846fd1a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0403.txt @@ -0,0 +1,71 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #403 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "1999 Is The Year of The Apocalypse" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Caitlin !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/7/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + In the year 2000, everything we know are reality is going to end. + + I've heard people talk all about this stuff about the world + coming to an end.. armageddon... et cetera. I've come up with my own + hypothesis, based on obvious facts presented directly to me. + + It all started a few days before New Years Ever, 1998. Everybody + was running around, having a jolly ol' time with their friends, and + families, seeing they had their holiday breaks... + + "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU SELFISH, SPOILED BRAT?!" my + mother said, before running into her room, and slamming the door, harder + then humanly possible. + + This, resulting from me getting ready to leave for a shopping + trip, that she had known about, and not taking out the garbage which + would take 5 minutes, but I preferred to finish what I was doing first. + + Now, this might not seem completely odd, but you don't know my + mother. My mother, Kathy, is the sweetest, most kind, gentle, caring + person alot of people will ever be fortunate enough to meet. Yes, I'm + proud to call her my Mother, but indeed... that moment I felt like + another teenager having their daily fight with her mother. It was + scary, and most definately 'Odd.' + + Another example was my friend's mother freaking out on her, for + the oddest things. Then there was my other friend, who's mother is + usually inconsiderete and actually tried to have a conversation with + her... or even better... her stepdad spent over one hundred dollars, + buying her things for her new hamster, when he used to yell at her about + every little thing. + + My friend and I thought about all these little things, and + decided that they weren't the only ones acting strange. We examined + everyone... our friend, who was notorious for sucking over 100 penises, + is monogamous as of recently. Also, her younger sister has gotten + completely irrational and make-believe like. My father has quit being + completely submissive to my mother, my once kkk meeting attending + friend is now accepting black people into her life, not only as + associates, but as friends, and even... equals! My happy go-lucky choir + teacher has been acting quite weird for almost this whole school year, + and my devout straight edge friend got drunk and stoned on her birthday. + + So, in examining all of this in great detail, i realized even I + was acting strange.. i've been self concious and nervous, and most of + all.. i've been craving _security_! + + People tell us that the world is going to end in the year 2000. + _MY_ theory is, the world as we know it will end, or the world as the + human race once knew it will end. But, the neat thing is... it could + mean anything. What if aliens land and take over? or, if they teach us + new ways about life, civilization.. anything. But what I do know, is + that everyone is changing, and rapidly. 1999 is the year of the + apocalypse. The pre-destruction of the earth is going to result in + some pretty fucked up shit. It's goin' down. + + "This is our warning. Revolution starts on the inside." + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #403, WRITTEN BY: CAITLIN - 1/7/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0404.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0404.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0b3ea21e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0404.txt @@ -0,0 +1,47 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #404 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Another Statistic" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> AltRocks !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/7/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + The boy stood on the street corner, his head held up high. He + looked into the sun, like his parents always told him not to, and let + out a yell. No one cared. This was the middle of New York City's + Grenwich Village and weird stuff was normal. He flagged down a taxi + and directed the driver to take him to Times Square. It was about two + O`clock in the afternoon of December 31, 1999. He was headed to watch + the ball drop for the first time, and a little more. He arrived about + three, traffic being heavey on New Year's Eve. He had nine hours to + wait, so he started talking to other people standing there. The crowd + was already growing this early in the day. He met three girls that were + quite good looking, but his macking skills were below par. He ran into + an old school teacher of his, and a few people he knew from school. + + He was having a good time drinking and reminiscing with his friends at + about ten-thirty, when he suddenly realized what he ahd come to do. He + excused himself and made his way to the icon that was the New Year's + Ball. He had spent a full year studying the lay out and planning, just + for tonite. He sneaked past security, made sure he wasn't seen by anyone + just yet, and stood at the bottom of the flag pole the ball would drop + down on. As midnight approached he crouched down in front of the ledge + in front of him, and awaited the ball. + + "3... 2... 1... HAPY NEW YEARS !!!" + + As soon as he heard the roar go up from the crowd he stood up. + Within secods the crowd was hushed. He stepped onto the ledge, and + proceeded to do a perfect Swan Dive off of the building. It was to be + his only accomplishment in life. He was the first victim of the new + millenium, and he was making sure the whle world knew it. As he fell, + thoughts flashed through his mind, images... sounds... feelings... and + then he hit. He enver felt it though. He found himself in a field of + flowers. He sat up and stared at the sun, just like his parents always + told him not to do. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #404, WRITTEN BY: ALTROCKS - 1/7/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0405.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0405.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..300beca4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0405.txt @@ -0,0 +1,59 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #405 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "My Microwaveable Pillow" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Girl from Mars !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/7/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + An ex-boyfriend of mine gave me a gift before I left for college. + I was none too pleased about this but I accepted anyway, being the good + sport that I am. The gift was a pillow that you can put in the + microwave, and it retains heat. It has a brownish beige-ish cotton + cover, and the inside is this large beanbag-like structure filled with + rice. One is supposed to put it in one's bed, and it is supposed to + keep the bed, and the person, warm. As a heat addict, I loved this + gift. It was a great joy to me every night to put the pillow in the + microwave for three to four minutes in order to have some heat on me. + I know i'm a sick sick bastard, but deal with it. + + This pillow has seen me through some rough times, granted. When + I'm particularly ill-humored and dour, it provides me with the comfort + that could only otherwise be provided by a hug. The steamingly hot + pillow has provided relief from minor aches and pains, and has provided + comfort when I needed it most. That is more than I can say for some + people I know! My pillow had often served as a substitute for having + someone lie next to me, and I often enjoyed the fact that my pillow + never made asinine remarks or was pretentious. + + I have had many adventures and misadventures with my warm + pillowy companion. My freshman year roommate "hid" a plastic easter egg + in my pillow. This little secret unknown to me, I put the pillow in + the microwave as per usual, and ended up burning the crap out of my + hand with melted plastic. I was none too pleased. I had no choice but + to bludgeon her with my pillow, it hurts when you're hit with it! After + she stopped crying and just lay there unconscious, I spat on her and + said "Don't mess with the microwaveable pillow." + + My actions shocked me, I had never behaved in such a manner + before. I am usually a peaceful woman, my anger usually manifesting + itself in words rather than violence. I began to notice changes in my + temper, and my headaches became more and more frequent. I never thought + to connect that with the fact that I slept with something that had been + in the microwave every night. My mood swings continued, and one day I + noticed a strange growth on myself. It seemed I was growing another + arm! The radioactivity that emanated from the pillow on a nightly + basis had spurred the growth of a superfluous arm! + + I'm dealing with this affliction quite admirably, I've not been + less clumsy though. A third arm is incredibly useful, you would be + surprised. Imagine being able to hold the door open while you've got + two arms full of groceries or something like that! My guitar-playing + skills have greatly improved, I'm doing things that no one else can. + I also continually enjoy the comforts of my warm microwaveable pillow. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #405, WRITTEN BY: GIRL FROM MARS, 1/7/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0406.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0406.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f01f6415 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0406.txt @@ -0,0 +1,123 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #406 !! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: "Jacques Cousteau is An Alien and !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: Still Threatens This Planet!" !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: *or* !! + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: Why You Should Not "Get Your Rocks Off". !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: =========================================== + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Astray Heart 1/7/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Because ROCKS are gradually eroded to SAND, and the mudshark + would not be much fun to have sex with as its skin is so SANDY (not + Sandy, though I can't imagine that would be much fun to have sex with + either), and eventually one becomes BARREN and turned into a PILLAR OF + SALT like LOT'S WIFE, and all for having BIG ROCK-LIKE LUST! + + This is why Rock and Roll is a COMMUNIST CONSPIRACY PLATONIC + PLOT as opposed to, in the words of DePugh (Mason & Dixon, page two + hundred something), "Surf Music!" + + Furthermore, the surf, the foamy brine, pounds the beat yea + verily even unto OUTER SPACE. This is because there is an eldritch and + indefagitable likeness between these two frontiers--between the mighty + humpback and the clarion cry of the arriving UFO. This is seen in the + mighty outer space surf band "Man or Astroman?", and in more humble, + that is to say, on-topic, terms, in the "Surf Version" of Interstellar + Overdrive on the "Rhamadam" bootleg, and of course in the ORIGINAL + lyrics to "Echoes", which were in OUTER SPACE, but travelled to + UNDERWATER for no other purpose than to alert all of us to the + suffocation that lies beyond our grasp. + + For it is that we live in the land of AIR, but when that + apparatus is sucked from us, whether we live in the dark vacuum of the + Crab Nebula or the roiling pressures of the Marianas Trench, THERE IS + THE FACE OF GOD! !!NYES!! JACQUES COUSTEAU IS AN ALIEN AND STILL + THREATENS THIS PLANET! + + This despite the sea realms being infested with salt, the + granulated pustules pounding amongst sand and rock. Salt, the trojan + horse of rock-nature, is not QUITE the evil that sand and rock is--Jesus, + for instance--someone who has been unjustly and unfairly bound to JHVH, + BTW--called his followers "The salt of the earth", but also raised the + spectre of corruption: "If salt goes flat, what is it to be salted + with?" Though it is not commonly known now, salt CAN go flat just a + cola (of which more in ANOTHER excerpt from the exegesis, BTW) can--and + it is that absence of tang, of zest, which proves fatal to what + otherwise is a mediating presence. + + Yes, there is more salt in heaven and earth than is dreamt of in + your philosophy. Where does it come from? It is in some ways rocklike-- + but it does not have the stark grandiosity of rock. Indeed, unlike rock + it is SOLUBLE--and that which can worm its way into water is surely not + inutile! Furthermore, salt is a mark of fertility. As all you women, + and I'm sure quite a few of you men, know from experience, the spark of + life tastes of salt. But even despite this, it is NOT a pleasant thing + to swallow. It is procreative, flavorful, but most of all, a work of + danger. + + For Jesus makes this clear: SALT IS POWER. Salt, which can + irritate the eyes, being (again in the words of Jesus), a mote in + one's eye, has power to destroy. It may sting and blind one's enemies-- + its zest may overpower the bland flavors favored by the Puritans and + willy-nilly pussywhippers of Normality. Salt can melt ice--can break + stasis. It can be, in the words of Niven and Pournelle, the mote in + GOD's eye, and indeed shall contribute greatly to make that as yet + unnamed god commence to rubbing mightily. But it can ALSO overpower + the subtle humours of life, can reduce flavor to only so much sharp + gristle. It is, indeed, one of the greatest weapons of that defiled + and blasphemous BLIND IDIOT GOD himself! + + WHY do you think these realms are so INHOSPITABLE to man? Why + can we survive for years in the desert, why indeed where the MOST + ENDURING MONOTHEISTIC RELIGIONS OF OUR TIME FOUNDED THERE? Why is the + most famous sea in the Holy Land the DEAD SEA, a sea POISONED, awash + in salt-tasting droplets? What is the Dead Sea but a stagnant pool of + the SPUNK GENERATED BY A ROGUE ATTEMPT TO EMULATE THE ONANISTIC + FERTILITY OF THE EGYPTIAN WHO BROUGHT THE FERTILE CRESCENT TO LIFE? + + And what impotent would-be God, what meddler in the ways of + fate, has done all this? Who has made us in weakness, who has bred us + with his debased monkey-people, VERILY, WHO SMITES US WHEN WE CLIMB TO + THE ROOFS OF THE EARTH AND CRY OUT OUR FREEDOM? WHO IS THE MAN BEHIND + THE CURTAIN? It is none other than the WILL OF THE FOUL TEMPTER + JEHOVAH HIMSELF, he who would cut us apart from what breeds us, the + petulant alcoholic investment banker from BEYOND THE STARS acting once + more as the control-freak he knows he is, genetically engineering us to + DIE upon facing TRUE "ALIEN"--that is, "YETI"--knowledge without the + gimmicks and gimcracks of modern life. + + For in that much, Plato and even Descartes were right--there IS + a veil of lies keeping us from what we know. BUT THEY WERE THE + UNWITTING SERVITORS OF THOSE VERY LIES! The "mad genius" Jehovah set + up his impossible standards of truth THROUGH those agents, and THEY + FELL FOR IT! THE SUCKERS! Every rock, all that is DEAD, all that + aligns BEING from NON-BEING, is excaberated by one mad god, and it + lies to US to end his eternity of strife, to strike down his reign of + terror. And we shall. Sooner... or later. + + And with Jehovah, of course, comes Jehovah's hypocritical and + base attempts at instituting "sexual morality". We all know the + abominations of Leviticus. In fact, it seems that JHVH's opposition to + sex seems to encompass every sort of sex that is fun. This is the kind + of sex you wind up with when you attempt to "get your rocks off"--drab + and hurried procreative misery. Children, remember this: If you must + have sex--as indeed you must--take care not to do it in the mold of + Jehovah. There is a better way! + + No, if thou wouldst "get off", in de vernacular, one must + remember to FLOW AS WATER, indeed, like the RAGING TORRENT OF + PUSSY-JUICES or indeed for you male sewer-minded types, a VERITABLE + FOUNTAIN OF SPOO arching off into the heavens, or perhaps just dripping + down like a leaky faucet depending on the last time you employed + "digital manipulation". + + In short, children, do NOT get your rocks off--it is fucking the + way THEY want you to, not the way YOU want to. Never flow as sand. + ALWAYS flow as water. Amen. + + P.S.: do vegetables count as sexual partners? + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #406, WRITTEN BY: ASHTRAY HEART - 1/7/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0407.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0407.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fb53b306 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0407.txt @@ -0,0 +1,50 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #407 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Stupid Fuckin' Gas Station Customers" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Daisy !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/7/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + You see, when you work at a gas station, there is a vast area of + stupid fucks you have to put up with. For example, if one more fucking + person tells me that the damn car wash didn't clean there car I am + going to have to decapitate them and put there head in a bag with the + head of my pathetic, annoying, and dumbass coworker, Matt. The + customers car being clean is like the least of my worries in the + wintertime because, let me tell you, the excitement of my day consists + of being able to call Mercantile Bank and find out the temperature + every hour on the hour! But, I normally do it like every five minutes, + just to get away from looking at the faces of the stupid people and + making Matt actually do his job because if you stand at the registers + with him, he's bound to wander away and have a cigarette just as often + as I call the bank. Now I can't let Matt have any enjoyment now can I? + + Back to the stupid customers. Okay, there is this one guy who + is like fifty or something and coincidentally "visits" every time I am + working. He tells my co-workers he will pay them off if they let them + take me out. But one day, I looked at the asshole and said, very + slowly so he would understand, "Okay, jack-off. I have a job to do + here and I can't get it done with you here because the only thing on my + mind is if I want to punch you in your face or call the cops with a + sexual harassment charge?" I don't think he liked that too much + because he walked away and hasn't been in since. Yeah, I probably + could have gotten fired over that and all that good stuff, but fuck + that! Those who know me, know better than to fuck with me and I just + informed another useless soul to back off. I feel he learned his + lesson and that was so my point! + + Then this other guy comes in like once a week with his kids, one + who is like 12, a girl, and a 18 or 19 year old guy. He asks me how + school is and every single fucking time he asks, "So you still with + that guy?" The only way he knows is because my boyfriend was in there + one day and must've noticed who he was. He keeps saying, "Well my boy + is looking for someone. Do you think you'd drop your boyfriend for + him?" Now whos damn business is it what I do in my personal life? + What a dick! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #407, WRITTEN BY: DAISY - 1/7/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0408.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0408.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e48cc8b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0408.txt @@ -0,0 +1,93 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #408 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Business Practice" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mistawho !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/7/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Credit Resource Services, Inc. + 11-15-98 + Re : Account #462205 (Cascade Video, Corp.) + + I am writing you in regards of my account with your company. + The total amount is $352.87, for the following movies: + + * Half Baked + * South Park, Volume 1 + * Slippery When Wet Volumes 1, 2, and 3 + * HOOTERVILLE Volume 1 + + I find this bill highly inaccurate, as the four adult movies were + of extremely low video quality (believe me, I KNOW), and Half Baked was + just plain stupid. Please accept the enclosed check for $3.00 and + please quit sending me mail. Thank you for your time. + + Sincerely, + Aaron Rogers + + !!========================================================================!! + + Dear Mr. Rogers, + + Your check of $3.00 will not resolve your account. You must pay + the entire amount remaining ($349.87). Please remit this amount + immedietly to descist any further collection attempts. + + Sincerely, + Pam O'Reily + Credit Resource Services Representative + + !!========================================================================!! + + Credit Resource Services, Inc. + 12-16-98 + Re: Account #462205 (Cascade Video, Corp.) + + I see from my bank statement that my check of $3.00 has been + cashed, so you have indeed accepted my payment. Yet, because I am a + fair person, I have decided to resolve the issue entirely. + + Enclosed in this box is every porno I have ever owned, 28 to be + exact. Each is of better quality than the movies I destroyed from + Cascade Video. Please send it to your client with my best of wishes. + Please quit mailing me. + + Sincerely, + Aaron Rogers + + !!========================================================================!! + + Dear Mr. Rogers, + + We are not impressed with your current letter and attempt of + payment. Please send the remaining amount ($349.87) or we WILL take + legal actions. + + Sincerely, + Pam O'Reily + Credit Resource Services Representative + + !!========================================================================!! + + Credit Resource Services, Inc. + 12-24-98 + Re: Account #462205 (Cascade Video, Corp.) + + As you know, I sent that last box of videos to you through + certified mail, and I know that you received it. There were 28 HIGH + QUALITY adult movies in that box. I consider them to be worth about + $50.00 a piece (or, Cascade Video would, as they want $72.00 for Half + Baked). I have now figured that YOU indeed do owe me $1104.13. Please + pay the entire amount in full by the first of the year, or I will be + forced to turn you over to collections. + + Merry Christmas. + Sincerely, + Aaron Rogers + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #408, WRITTEN BY: MISTAWHO - 1/7/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0409.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0409.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..49f30e8a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0409.txt @@ -0,0 +1,85 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #409 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "I Like Monkeys" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Holocost !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/7/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Editor's Note: It came to my attention after publishing this + article that it's a rather popular e-mail forward that's been on the net + for quite some time. People know better than to forward me stupid + bullshit like this (they send stupid bullshit to me as HOE submissions, + not forwards), so I had no idea. At any rate, I apologize to whomever + might be the original author for having such a lameass idiot like + Holocost submit this. + + - Mogel 1/10/99 + + ------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents + a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple + thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought + 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. + I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, + none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in + their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped + laughing. + + I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to + their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the + couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at + first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. + + Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so + inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' + dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five + hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. + + I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all + over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It + looked like I had 200 throw rugs. + + I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got + stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. + + I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That + worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started + to smell real bad. + + I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I + didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. + + I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. + Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so + I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food + in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. + + I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. + I had to extinguish the fire. + + Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen + monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my + bed. The odor wasn't improving. + + I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and + to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. + + I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the + city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that + I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother + asking about the frozen ones. + + I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas + gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that + they like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I + punched them in the genitals. + + I like monkeys. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #409, WRITTEN BY: HOLOCOST - 1/7/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0410.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0410.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f412ac96 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0410.txt @@ -0,0 +1,61 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #410 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Clear Bawta" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Isaac !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/7/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + There is a sky + A simple, calm, cloudless, blue sky + and it... in your head + + Minds buzz and whirl and beep with sounds and lights and + desires. They fill the blue sky with clouds and dark clounds and birds + making bird sounds. -- and many voices. -- child voices. Now let you + hear only my soft voice to come you lool. + + Now you are a nothing. Know your form, like a human. Feel your + mind move and swhirl with estrogen and bubble with your conscious images. + You are safe. + + Once a man dreamed he was a butterfly, and he precieved himself + as a only a simple butterfly. The butterfly has such long slinder wings + with ril yellow circles yum-yum orange and it contrasts so boldly with + that simple blue sky. The butterfly moves though and softly flutters + out of view. + + The man awoke and he was Lao Tzu. Whatever your thoughts, you + know what you mean for your affects are the desired ones. Affections + for a calm order. + + When I walk on a tiled floor I can not allow myself to step on + lines. Thus, people think I am retarded because I do not walk right. + A tiled floor is such perfection and I can only love it by letting it + tell me the way. Wu Wei. I walk with the way and let it drift me + along like a particle of water. I have only as much objective as a + particle of water has objective to flow in a river to the seas. One + can not be scared of me. + + Tao is the way. You know the way for you feel it always. It is + all there is and all there ever will be. You are in it. It is the + boat you sail in and the sea you drift in. To perceive it is to know + all. To love all is to love death. + + Open those little eyes child mmm ooooh cHild you like sweet + things? There ARE simple objects you will see. they will follow like + ever so much fun find it here sweet oranges fall objects fall like ever + so much a buzzing and a raxxxibet a white raxxxibet and screaming you + like emotion child here see phi-lost-ophy singing playing touching me + walking Li way where TAO TA CHA CHING WO WOI LAH who talk wi FORCE + chii Old lilLi ma GRANDCHILD + + There is a SKYsky + A simple, calm, cloudless, blue SKYsky + and ITit .. in your HEADhead + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #410, WRITTEN BY: ISAAC - 1/7/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0411.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0411.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..637637f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0411.txt @@ -0,0 +1,83 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #411 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Day I Fucked That Hot Girl" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Caitlin !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/10/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + She was considered beautiful by most. Her long blue-black hair + cascaded down her back like a waterfall of oil. Her lips were full, + and always dressed in the darkest shades of lipstick, and a shimmery + gloss. She wore some makeup, enough to be dramatic, but she never + looked tacky or trashy. Some women just know exactly what to do. + + She called herself Leigh. I called her "the girl with the legs." + Yeah... her legs were long, well muscled and ... welll... incredibly + sexy. From the first time I saw her... I knew that I had to have her. + + The first time I saw her, I was standing in the back of the club + where my friends and I go every Friday. I was leaning on my beatup + station wagon, smoking my last clove, when she walked past me, and + looked straight at me and smiled, then turned and walked away. My heart + should have just stopped right then. + + After that night, I saw her almost every Saturday at the club... + she'd smile at me, wink, and sometimes we'd chat a bit. We always hit + it off great, so I thought... but I didn't think she wanted anything to + do with me. I just wanted to fuck her so hard maybe she'd realize that + not everyone liked being teased by her. + + The first time I convinced her to come to my apartment, she was + ready as soon as we got in the door. She started kissing me, first on + my neck... then gradually moving to my lips. I slid my leg in between + both of hers, and pushed her against the door. I thought I was going to + explode right then. She slid her hand down between both of us and + started rubbing my cock through my pants, which was already incredibly + hard. I grabbed her hand and started to lead her to my bed, but she + stopped me and started kissing me so hard, till I fell over onto my + couch in the middle of living room. + + I layed back and she straddled me and slid her black dress over + her head and threw it across the room. I began to carress her tits + through her bra, then she unclasped it for me and tossed that aside + also. I sat up and started licking her hard nipples, drawing circles + around them with my tongue. Kissing her lips again, i slid my hand into + her panties which were soaked with her juices. She squeeled and got up + and motioned for me to follow her. + + She led me into my bedroom, and took off her black, lace thong + panties. She stood in front of me completely naked, and just stared at + me. I walked over to her and kissed her, while unbuttoning my purple + and black dress shirt. + + Giggling, I laid her down on my bed, kissing her neck, then her + chest, then her beautiful breasts, then her stomach, her belly buttom, + her beautiful shaved pubic area, then i slid my tongue between her + pussy lips and lapped at her clit. She arched her back and spread her + legs even further apart. I licked slowly, then slid my tongue down + inside of her cunt, slurping her tangy juices eagerly. She moaned, and + panted, and cried out. I alternated between licking at her cunt and + clit, then I slid my tongue down and licked her asshole. This surprised + her... but after looking at me for a second, she let her head fall back + into the blankets and just sat back and enjoyed. I went back to eating + her pussy, and after about 5 minutes she came so hard, screaming out + every foul word I know.. even a few I don't. + + I asked her if I could fuck her, and she nodded... so I grabbed + the condom from my pants pocket, then took them off. I slid the condom + over my cock and then started to slide it in between her legs. + + Then all of a sudden, a giant puff of smoke went off and she + turned into a three headed monster, with green scales, slime, and + long, fish smelling, gnarled hair. The monster bit off my head and + then scratched up my body and left me there bleeding. I thought I died, + but then I woke up in this white room. Shit... here comes the people + with that uncomfortable jacket and stuff... Maybe I can finish this + later.... + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #411, WRITTEN BY: CAITLIN - 1/10/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0412.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0412.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..442880bf --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0412.txt @@ -0,0 +1,65 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #412 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "I Froze My Tits Off in Minneapolis" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Seaya !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/10/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + This past week I went to Minneapolis for the Alpha Phi Omega + national conference (see http://www.apo.org/ i think). Then after the + conference I stayed with my friend Katie who I had met in Scotland. + + Minneapolis is fucking freezing. For the hotel portion of my stay + there were convenient "skywalks" which connected the whole city. I met + lots of people and didn't leave the two hotels which housed our + conference. + + I watched Xena warrior princess a lot and became entranced. + + One morning I woke up and the girl I was sharing a bed with, + Megan, was scratching my back. Later she did not remember and blushed + when I mentioned it. She had been half asleep and thought I was her + boyfriend. She is a really good back scratcher. + + I met a bunch of mad irc-ers like myself, 'cept they hang out + in #aposoc. Now I have a new channel to hang out in. fUn + + Anyhow, I met some people who were just as weird as me and the + h0ef0lk. + + Then I stayed with Katie. Katie drives a zamboni. But she + doesn't do it well, so she's quiting. She's sleepy and a vegetarian + but she's not Soybean. + + It was so cold that when we walked from her work at the rink to + her house her nose ring was stinging! + + We saw this movie and everywhere we went there were lovely beings + with elven locks about their heads. Such eye candy in such a cold cold + city. + + Katie lives in a section near the U of M called Dinkytown. No + joke. It lives up to its name, but there are cool stores and cafes + anyhow. Like 3 used clothing stores, 3 used CD stores, a comic/rpg + shop, a student travel place, a breakfast place, a falafel place, an + occult store, subway, pizza hut, a movie house, and several markets. + Dinky but funky. + + I'd live there if I could stand it. 'cept katie says that wasn't + the worst. She says that sometimes you walk down the street and your + eyelashes stick together and the scarf sticks to you from the + condensation of your mouth. + + I stayed in katie's room while she was at work reading Jeanette + Winterson's oranges are not the only fruit and contemplating my life. + Then I went shopping in Dinkytown. Got some CDs but couldn't find + Dragon tarot. + + I had a good time in Minneapolis, but I froze my tits off! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #412, WRITTEN BY: SEAYA - 1/10/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0413.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0413.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..98fbc909 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0413.txt @@ -0,0 +1,64 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #413 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "My Phallic Pistol" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Teerts !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/10/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + first off, as a sidenote, jeff (altrocks) is being a cock. + sure, that has not much to do with the rest of this piece, but the + dickhead is shining a laser pointer in my eyes... i'm gonna go kick him + in the dick soon... + + How is a gun a phallic symbol? i think there are far too many + people who claim that... well, just about anything can be a phallic + symbol, a symbol of men's dominance over women and also each other. + you may ask, exactly how can a gun be phallic? is anything that can be + used to exert power over another automagically to be considered phallic? + what aspects or characteristics of a gun help to make it the symbol of + manhood which it is considered to be? some similar aspects of the two + are the way in which they are used: pointed away from the bearer, they + both shoot. also, depending on the size, they can both strike fear into + the hearts of many. there is also shared terminology between these two + great icons of power in our society. one 'cocks' a gun before + 'shooting' it. one can 'blow' someone's head off, or pump them full of + [insert ammunition here]. there are also the questions of penetration, + entrance, and exit. you make the connections. + + these things alone, in my opinion, do not make a gun phallic in + nature, it is mostly just pragmatical. (yes, i'm pretty sure that is a + word. look it up or something.) what about taking into accuont the + construction and design of a gun? the mechanisms which make the whole + thing operate are behind and below the portruding part. "what about + balls?" some may ask. sure, without testes and a prostate, a penis + would be biologically useless, much like a gun without trigger and + hammer mechanisms. the fact that those mechanisms were placed where + they were, are for aesthetics and practicality. i'm sure that if it + were really intended to be a phallus-like object, it would have all been + incorporated into one big cylinder. that way, it would have resembled + the offensive part of the male anatomy!@ + + 'civilized' men wanted a way to throw heavy objects at each + other, at a relatively high velocity, from relatively far away. (i'm + pretty sure, man haters, that there was not a man sitting around one + day, penis in hand, who suddenly had a vision and exclaimed 'i've got + it! the perfect weapon! guys, check this idea out!') + + the whole idea for a gun probably came from some silly accident + due to fireworks or something... evolving into cannon, then hand-cannon, + then eventually pistols. i mean hey, as a 'civilised' man, i'd like to + be able to carry my new heavy-thing-hurler around with me, i dont like + swords anymore. also, we 'civilised' men do not engage in spear and + rock warfare. + + heh, so much like meat-eating, guns and war help us reaffirm + our masculine hold on society. die cow, die. moo. *bang* + + mmm.... ehhhh... + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #413, WRITTEN BY: TEERTS - 1/10/99 !!