From 8960f1e0573e49e31ece2d8f3eba8ade9e3cbde5 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: OPSXCQ Date: Wed, 3 Jan 2018 09:59:39 -0300 Subject: [PATCH] update --- textfiles.com/humor/REAL/anklebyt.txt | 303 ++ textfiles.com/humor/REAL/bangers.txt | Bin 0 -> 3093 bytes textfiles.com/humor/REAL/compnerd.hum | 128 + textfiles.com/humor/REAL/engineer.txt | 47 + textfiles.com/humor/REAL/k00ld00d.txt | 118 + textfiles.com/humor/REAL/killnerd.hum | 159 + textfiles.com/humor/REAL/kooldoo4.txt | 376 +++ textfiles.com/humor/REAL/lechhate.hum | 161 + textfiles.com/humor/REAL/leechdic.hum | 172 ++ textfiles.com/humor/REAL/leechus.hum | 156 + textfiles.com/humor/REAL/losers.hum | 125 + textfiles.com/humor/REAL/mel-prog.txt | 133 + textfiles.com/humor/REAL/melvins.gph | Bin 0 -> 3328 bytes textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pirates.txt | 323 ++ textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pirates2.txt | 163 + textfiles.com/humor/REAL/power.txt | 152 + textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pyros.hum | 117 + textfiles.com/humor/REAL/quiche.txt | 87 + 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mode 100644 index 00000000..081b3c30 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/anklebyt.txt @@ -0,0 +1,303 @@ +The Real Anklebyter's guide. + + Due to the immense popularity towards the many "real" files, I have +decided to compile a guide which shows what NOT to do to become a +better user. Since I have not been an anklebiter for many a year, I +find it fitting that I should write such a file. + + First, for those of you who are not familliar with the term +"anklebiter", I will define it; + +ANKLEBITER: One who has not owned a modem for more than 6 months, and +asks annoying questions about how to use it. Anklebiters cannot be +blamed for their actions, because they just dont know any better. + +ANKLEBYTER: One who acts immature, and generally retarded on BBS's. +Anklebyters are hated by everyone (exept by other anklebyters, as +anklebyters tend to stick together) Anklebyters must be set straight +or they will eventually poison the minds of anklebiters. + + Since we all were anklebiters at one time, I will direct this guide +towards anklebyters, as there seems to be a large flood of them these +days. + + + HOW TO SPOT AN ANKLEBYTER + ------------------------- + + Real anklebyters can be of any age but are usually 12 or 13. + + Real anklebyters leave a "Pleeeze send me E-mail!!!" message at +least once a week. + + Corollary: Only real anklebyters reply to such messages. + + Real sysop's, when spotting real anklebyters, delete them at once. + + Real anklebyters think that Half duplex is a small two family house. + + Real anklebyters hardly ever run BBS's, exept in rare occasions such +as the case of Lyle Lexier. + + Real anklebyters cannot ever be real pirates or real sysops. + + Real anklebyters can be true leeches, or unreal system crashers, and +usually are. + + When calling BBS's with 20+ message bases, real anklebyters always +complain on the bitch board that there aren't enough. + + Corollary: Real sysops don't run BBS's with more than 13 message +bases anyway. + + Real anklebyters have at least 5 different pseudo's. + + Real anklebyters name themselves after the t.v. shows they watch. +(I.E. Pa Ingalls, Scrappy Doo, Jr. Frisky Frolic) + + Corollary: Real anklebyters never miss an episode of STAMPEDE +WRESTLING. + + Real anklebyters try to get others to like them by setting up clubs +populated solely by their many pseudo's. + + Corollary: Real anklebyters name their anklebyter clubs after them +sound powerful. (I.E. Neo-nazi's, Resistance fighters, Jedi Knights, +9" pricks) + + Real anklebyters pronounce "Sysop" SIGH-SOP. (Note: Correct +pronunciation is SIS-OP) + + Corollary: Real anklebyters think SIGH-SOP is a new type of barbeque +sauce. + + Real anklebyters are always posting messages about what rock groups +they listen to. + + Corollary: Real anklebyters listen to Heavy Metal because they think +people will like them if they do. + + When a Real anklebyter achieves a measley access level of 2, he +considers himself more socially valuable than an anklebiter with level +1. + + Corollary: Real anklebyters are always accusing others of being +anklebyters. + + Real anklebyters watch POLICE STORY, and EYE ON HOLLYWOOD, when +everyone else is watching LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN. + + Real anklebyters try to sell games that foolish pirates gave to +them. + + Corollary: Poor anklebiters, not knowing any better, buy such games. + + Real anklebyters use the family's computer. + + Corollary: Anklebyterness is hereditary so any brothers or sisters +they have are usually anklebyters too. + + When on backspacing boards, Real anklebyters say "This message will +erase itself" at the end of a message, then proceed to waste +everyone's time by backspacing over the whole message (And knowing +anklebyters, its around 90 lines of irrelevant shit). + + When on the local Bitch Board, real anklebyters always complain that +there are never any new messages. + + Corollary: The reason there is never any new messages is because +real anklebyters sit by their computer all day signing on to BBS's at +least 4 times a day each. Not enabling any new messages to be posted. + + Everytime a Real anklebyter signs onto a BBS, the first thing he +does is call for chat; even if last time he chatted with the sysop, +the sysop booted him off. + + Real anklebyters type in upper case. + + Corollary: Real anklebyters refer to upper case as "Big letters", +and lower case as "Small letters" + + When overhearing a Real Hacker discussing the p/w to some new +system, Real anklebyters use the info and always mess things up for +Real Hackers. + + Corollary: Real anklebyters always brag about being hackers, when +their really just dick smackers. + + When running a BBS, Real anklebyters always cut in for chat, and +sometimes when people say "I dont want to chat with you" they start to +cry and threaten to delete your User I.D. + + Corollary: Only Real anklebyters care if he does it or not. + + Real anklebyters use at least 9 exlemation points at the end of +their sentances. + + Corollary: Real anklebyters hardly ever make Real sentances anyway. + + Real anklebyters randomly pick people out of the user list to send +E-mail to. + + Corollary: Only Real anklebyters reply to such messages, unless they +are telling the anklebyter to fuck off. + + When reading files like this, and discovering they fit the +description given, Real anklebyters begin to cry. + + + + GEORGE/AKA MR. MODEM MAN: PORTRAIT OF AN ANKLEBYTER + --------------------------------------------------- + + + Hooking up a computer wasn't nearly as hard as George thought it +would be. He simply plugged it in according to the diagram. Soon +George was ready to start gaming! He had leeched a few games from his +pals at school, and one of them told him to get a modem. George +didn't know what a modem was, but because of the cute name, George +asked his parents. Naturally they agreed to buy George the best modem +on the market, the micromodem IIe! after getting the best deal in +town, George and his family came home $400 poorer... but at least they +had a micromodem! The man at the store had been so nice, he gave +George a list of phone numbers he could call with his new modem. +George listened in on the extension after dialing one of the numbers +off of his list. Someone picked up the phone, so George announced +"Hello! I just got a modem, is this a modem num-" George was cut off +by a terrible noise which blared at him through the handset. In +tears, George yelled "That doesn't seem right! Daaaaaad-deeeee!" +George's father rushed in to see what was wrong. George told him the +whole thing... + + "Why don't we see if there was any damage done to the computer +Georgie? then if anything went wrong we can get it fixed and have it +back by morning!" his father comforted him. Walking into the bedroom, +which was littered with lego's and G.I. Joe action figures, they +noticed something was happening on the screen. + +ENTER U.I.D. OR NEW == + + It said, waiting for a reply. George was over joyed as he reached +up to hug his father. Then he settled down at the keyboard to see if +he could hack into this system. + +U.I.D. + + George entered, knowing it would work, because he was a hacker. It +didn't work, but George shrugged it off, after all, he was just +starting, it could take 5 or 10 minutes before he got in... Getting a +brilliant idea, George entered + +NEW + + It worked! He applied for a P/W and soon realized that this wasn't +a private system after all! He laughed in his shrill voice and leaned +over to turn his computer off. It was 8:00 pm, his bedtime, and he +needed rest because by tomorrow he would be validated! + + The next day George asked his parents if he could stay home from +school to use his modem. They agreed happily, and once again George +sat down at the computer and dialed that number. This time he did not +fall for that tricky log on procedure, and was on line within seconds! +George browsed through the BBS and decided to leave a message. + +From: Mr. Modem Man Date: Tue Feb 16th 1986 + +HI EVERYONE! I JUST GOT MY MODEM! I WANT TO TRADE SOFTWARES!PLEASE +LEAVE ME E-MAILS!!! I NEED E-MAILS!!! HA HA HA !!! HI MR. SYSOP, ARE +YOU WATCHING ME? HA HA HA! +.S +*.SS +SAVE +HOW DO I END THIS THING??? +HA HA!! YES +-S +HA HA AH AH HA HA!!!! + +(millions of carriage returns) + + George called back ten minutes later, expecting a reply. No one had +called. He decided to take it upon himself to notify the sysop of the +lack of callers, so he selected the chat with sysop function. A few +minutes later the sysop broke in. + +--- Sysop here --- +Yes? + +HI I'M MR.MODEM MAN WANNA TRADE?HA HA! + +Umm, sure I have nothing better to do. + +OK!!!!A!! THANX DUDE!!!!! + +Ok, what kind of modem do you have? + +A MICROMODEM!!!! IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS! + +Yeah sure... + +IT IS!!! (George banged on his cheap clone keyboard which sent several +keys plummeting to the floor.) + +Ok whatever you say ...Do you have AE... + +(George glanced at his keyboard, noticing that his A,U, and I key were +currently scattered among his lego's. George said;) + +WELL MY A KEY IS ON THE FLOOR!!!!HAAHA! + +Fuck you asshole... +-- Sysop out -- + + George began to cry.Never before had he been called such names... +it didn't matter though, that guy was just jealous of his modem, thats +all! + +()()()( - ONE WEEK LATER - )()()() + + George considered himself a professional hacker/phreaker/pirate +now, and tomorrow the sysop was coming over to his house to trade +games! + + The next day, at exactly 7:00 pm there was a knock on the door. +George answered, expecting to see someone about his age. (12) instead, +he was surprised to see that the person which he had been talking to +earlier was 17 and carried what appeared to be a baseball bat. + + "Hi! Are you that loser who's going to give me some games?! Ha ha +ha!" The figure casually stepped inside without saying a word. +Proceding to George's bedroom, he glanced into the kitchen to see if +any family members were around. + + "Are your parents home?" he asked, as George skipped happily into +his room. + + "No, I can stay all by myself now!!! Ha ha ha!!" George giggled as +he turned on his computer. + + "Good that makes it easier" The person at the doorway said. + + "Yeah," George replied "So we can trade wares!!!!!! You can play +with some of my G.I. Joe figures while this loads, if you want to." + + "It's ok, I'm not into that kind of thing..." + + "Whats your name?" George inquired as the words "LOCKSMITH 5.0 +WRITTEN BY MR. MODEM MAN" appeared on the screen. + + "Never mind," the figure said in a deep, cold voice "Sector edited +your name into Locksmith eh?" + + "Yeah!!!" George announced proudly "Bet you couldn't do that!!!!!!" + + George's parents were down the street having dinner at the Jone's +house. They had drank a little too much Sherry, so were unable to hear +poor little George's screams of terror. + + The bat came down swiftly onto Georges computer, producing a sharp +crack, unlike the sound George's head had made not two minutes +earlier. As the lone figure walked out of the house, and down the +street, George's dog trotted into the room. Rover was a Saint +Bernard, and his favorite pass time was consuming fresh meat. After +chewing the last of the tender flesh, Rover curled up on George's bed +and had a nice, deep sleep. diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/bangers.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/bangers.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3c8399b00f26056a01d9f6ad4e65b780660a1349 GIT binary patch literal 3093 zcmd^=-*4JF6vyv#rTz~`JZzl=EEH(zv|Y&%Lo)KCNi>5x~c~-yX9keJL4lJ{}m6pZ}mMrfzy*t8=_!FpY=bU3={>Wl5j`k({4+#@3P zJyQjOA-R6!pze|C2og{TXCn)6W4smXAO?HZQ6JOoSL)ASI3_ckKT({jee4Syk>bS8l!;$6tb#Lj6c=R^H zC<0a1T5-oXyhTh&fGpP^J6JT_Y2^5r>#zwV1RFtQigmyh7aZT8s@BAz!;5@uG&I8! zW3AeC*Z%dt8mA|xC%3IHZ}z!WKp=&vR!qW@XABl%TVx_xumvoo$Uptd#p~Gt-V3B) z)mfEe!z1n;APpjxuMsDf`YB8$OLAV^1I<`kNl_s8D_btX+7uP;y&L_G(YosPTm3<= zkFX%Az+%Z__x{iX4a*{_QWeN^6!=T!oEMOa;s=vuQgKm~O%UJ8 zbR!wQSqho!)h4X?{R-H_Iuj-T!OAA;sz)Nzq+sy95ZjC`?pYJo0%PZClA(PiSgA$s3XIj+W@g@;NpD++oY(V5?V8CR|0;D4J4A)g0|Qt zOfO|97t + +So little Eggbert goes back to bed. Worrying about the fears that lie ahead +in life......another day.......another time.... + +The K-K00L DOOD epidemic is swiftly plaguing the whole user world with these +imbeciles. Symptoms of K-K00L DOODNESS: + +(1)You slowly have the urge to write in UPPER CASE. +(2)You want to be a leech. +(3)You have the tendency of waking up in the middle of the night +(4) You want to be a K-K00L DOOD! + +If you think you are turning into a K-K00L dude, go directly to your local +Patriots of America and shout "No nukes!No nukes! Reagan is a Commie! Welfare! +Liberality! Commies are really our friends!Love and Peace to all! Gays are +people too! A.I.D.S. came from Reagan!Yay!" +You will be immediatelly shot to death. + +That concludes this edition of "The History of K-K00L DOODS" + +If anyone out there wants to write a "The History of K-K00L DOODS II" feel +free to write it.Fuck! It's 2:39 A.M.! I think i'll call it a night.... +Before I close up, I'd like to thank the Ascii Assassin for giving me the idea. +Also, I'd like to thank lord Gypher for doing nothing at all. + +Thank You and good night!(I'll need it!) + +The Edge of The (M)arinate (H)igh (C)ouncil + + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/killnerd.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/killnerd.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4e613ca8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/killnerd.hum @@ -0,0 +1,159 @@ + +/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ +\ Spotting and Killing Nerds / +/ \ +\ by: John Smith / +/ - & - \ +\ Sorcerer's Apprentice / +/ \ +\ 09/30/85 / +/ \ +\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ + + Lesson I: Spotting a Nerd +/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/ + + Nerds hang around war boards trying to act cool by putting down war boards and +saying they are a waste of time. (They'd rather spend their time doing their +Advanced Calculus III homework.) + + They may also take a different approach and act tough (that is until someone +threatens to beat their ass, then they mysteriously disappear.) + + Nerds don't hack or phreak because they're afraid they'd get caught and their +mommies would spank them. + + On Suggestion boards, they always suggest a homework board or an intellectual +debate board so they can discuss such important topics as: How to Keep Away +from Bullies, and How to Fight Inflation. + + Nerds normally use stupid handles like Electronic Whiz, The Cricket, The +Brain, Capt. Hook, Mickey Mouse, and Albert Einstein. They may also use names +that have nothing to do with their activities or personality such as The Stud, +or The Hack-Man. + + They carry around brief cases with important documents on how to solve the +latest Calculus problems. + + Nerds normally come from poor families who can only afford a Timex Sinclair +but they modify it to make it as powerful as a mainframe. + + Nerds have names like Kevin Smith, Eugene, Waldo, Marvin, Wilbur, Gilbert +Poindexter, Myron, Melvin, Norbert, and Homer. + + In every nerd's room is a picture of all their teachers, famous composers like +Beethoven, and Albert Einstein (who is their idol). They also have pictures of +the latest computers. + + Sometimes a nerd will put up a BBS. These are not too hard to spot. + + 1-The name of the board is The School House, The Classroom, The Computer Room, +or The Kid Klub. + + 2-There are 5 sub-boards dedicated to homework (Calculus, Language Arts, +Physics, Biology, and Trigonometry) + + 3-The text philes are on Excelling in Math or Language Arts made easy. There +are also philes on how to gain the most out of listening to to Beethoven and on +the correct procedure for taping glasses. + + 4-The board is run on homemade software with one disk drive. + + 5-The sysop is ALWAYS around to chat because he has no friends. + + 6-All of the games are public domain. + + 7-The board may sometimes be busy a lot when there is no one on it. This is +because the nerd can't stand to not use his computer for more than 2 hours. + + Some more nerdish features: + + They wear horn-rimmed Coke bottle glasses with lots of white hospital tapes +holding them together. + + They are afraid of girls and think they have cooties. + + They buy a stereo so they can listen to Beethoven and Bach. + + Nerds think that Def Leppard is an animal that can't hear and wonder why Ratt +is spelled wrong. + + They cried when they saw Revenge of the Nerds, but are going to try out for +the sequel. + + + + Lesson II: Destroying a Nerd +\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* + + After you have spotted a Nerd, you will probably want to exterminate him (or +her) so that society may live better with one less nerd. + + A nerd will usually hangout in the library or the computer room at your +school. + + Once spotted move toward the nerd very slowly and with a quick movement remove +his glasses. You now have the nerd by the balls (so to speak.) + + First, torture him by stomping on his glasses. Then tell him he got a 'B' on +his report card. Break all his pencils and squirt the ink from his pens into +his face. (A typical nerds carries at least a dozen pencils and eight pens.) + + Now take him to his school and throw eggs at it and throw a few small hand +grenades through the windows (you should now notice him begging you to stop, but +you're not through yet...) + + Drag him to his house and destroy his computer, put his disks in the toilet +and piss on them. Then take all his Beethoven records and smash them with his +violin. + + By now, the nerd will be in a gigantic fit of crying and screaming. If the +nerd has not yet had a heart attack, it means you have a strong nerd so you must +give him the old Chinese torture + ............................... +...................................... +...................................... +...................................... +...................................... + + Tell him that ALBERT EINSTEIN WAS A MYTH! + + +Afterword By Sorcerer's Apprentice +=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=* + + I'm sure we've all grown to hate nerds and we all will appreciate having them +killed with the help of this file. + +A wasted... + + ===->SORCERER'S APPRENTICE<-=== + +Non-Copyright (N)1985 by John Smith +and Sorcerer's Apprentice +No Rights Reserved + + (In other words you can do whatever the fuck you want with this as long as you +don't change it or remove our names) + +/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/* +Call these boards: + +Inner Realm (Commodore) (313) 278-4832 +Dark Castle (Apple) (815) 729-0188 +The Archives (Apple) (815) 344-0481 +Twilight Phone (Apple) (313) 775-1649 +Red-Sector-A (Apple) (313) 591-1024 + + (The 4 Apple boards all have 10 megs and AE's) + + (One of us can also be reached at one of the above boards if you have any +comments.) + +/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/* +Also call +Ware World AE (313) 828-7683 +4 drives + 128 K RAM +/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*/\/*/\*\/*/\*\/* +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/kooldoo4.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/kooldoo4.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6d4e1d4d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/kooldoo4.txt @@ -0,0 +1,376 @@ + +[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] +[ ] +[ K-K00L D00DS Volume 4 ] +[ Written by : The Radioactive Snail ] +[ Original credits to : The Edge ] +[ ] +[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] + + | Featuring REALtime character mode | + | Thanx to : The Kandiman, Dos Boss, and The Linemaster | + | No thanx to Captain Kangeroo | + | You have three lines to turn your controll show off | + + + + +Ok, here we again join Lynol Leech Jr. in his never ending Leech Quest ... + + APPLE ][ + +*3D0G + +]BRUN AE + +(Time passes) + + ASCII EXPRESS "THE PROFESSIONAL" + VERSION 2.00 (C) COPYRIGHT 1977 BY + SOUTHWESTERN DATA SYSTEMS + +->DIAL : 393-0156 +AE : DIALING : 393-0156 +AE : AWAITING CARRIER +AE : CONNECT + + +LOGON : HACKER + +WELCOME TO THE RED LIGHT INN + +LOCATION: North Dallas (Coppell) + +Sysop : THE LINEMASTER + +300 BAUD OPERATION +1200 BAUD IF THE LINE IS GOOD + (PS - DOESN'T HAPPEN OFTEN) + + Accessible : S6 , d1 and d2 + S5 , d1 and d2 + Drives S7 , D1, V5 - V35 + "Yep all them" +Don't Sit on this all Day or the line +goes back to the old way!!!!! + +:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: +NEW SYSTEM WITH 10 MEG HARD DRIVE +T.A.C.L. up soon..... needs some +modification.. +Meanwhile.... +Use the Hard drive under AE for awhile + +NOTE : +SALES OF NEW AVAILABLE ITEMS UP SOON +(IF THERE IS SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE +LET ME KNOW, I WILL SEE IF ITS +AVAILABLE) + +APPLE - IBM - MAC - COMMODORE - ATARI +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +Please upload as often as possible. +The users appreciate it. Thank You + +Disclaimer = This sysop is not + responsible for anything posted or + implied on this ae line. + +(> +Current : S7 D1 V5 +New : V34 + +DISK VOLUME 034 + + B 171 ULTIMA4(UNDERWORLD)<171> + B 069 ULTIMA4(TOWN)<325> + T 004 NEED HELP 2 + T 049 CIA DOCS /F DR WHO + B 254 CIA<254>/F/[MR. SANDMAN] + T 002 CIA DOCS + B 145 ULT4 MAPEDIT<145> + T 003 ULT4 MAPEDIT INSTRUCT + T 002 TO MR NEED HELP + T 008 ULT4 MAPEDIT INSTRUCT (GOOD) + T 002 TO HELP PERSON + T 003 1 DRIVE MAPEDIT + T 003 NEED HELP + T 002 TO NEED HELP + T 002 QUESTION ULT4 EDIT + T 002 READ IMPORTANG! + T 002 PLEASE U/L 1 DRV. MAPEDIT + T 002 ULTIMA IV.. + T 136 LORD BRITISH CONFERENCE + T 002 I NEED HELP.. + T 002 I NEED HELP + T 004 OK I'LL PACK 1 DRV MAPEDIT TON +156 Sectors (39K) remaining + +(> +Current : S7 D1 V34 +New : S6 D1 V0 + + +DISK VOLUME 254 + + T 036 SIX-GUN DOCS + T 040 INSTITUTE WALKTHROUGH + T 058 ALICE IN WONDERLAND WALKTHROUG + T 031 FRACTALUS DOX + T 018 CAPT.GOODNIGHT DOCS + T 029 DEPROTECTION + T 065 ADV. CON. SET DOCS PART I + T 007 CAP GN CODE DESC + T 018 ACS (COMMENT) DOCS + T 035 ACS DOXS + B 034 CUTTHROAT MAP + T 041 CUTTHROAT DOCS + T 057 DDD 2 DOCS + T 056 DRAGONWORLD WALKTHOUGH +3 Sectors (1K) remaining + +(>Copy : DDD + +! ++>CHAT ON +AE TERM ---> + +WHAT IS DDD? +I HAVE VER 6.8! IF U D00DS WANT IT. + +>X-MAN + +Successful Write ... +(> +Current : S6 D1 V0 +New : S7 D1 V7 + +DISK VOLUME 007 + +528 Sectors (132K) remaining + +(> +Current : S7 D1 V7 +New : V8 + +DISK VOLUME 008 + + T 002 ABOUT THE MIST + B 228 MIST<484> +42 Sectors (11K) remaining + +(>Send : THE MIST<484> +924 Blocks. +Sysop breaking in for chat ... + +You need DDD to unpack it. + +I KNOW! + +Do you have it? + + +@% +AE : H)ANG UP +AE : LOST CARRIER +->DIAL : 398-0531 +AE : DIALING : 398-0531 +AE : AWAIT CARRIER +AE : CONNECT + + +Press any key: + + + WELCOME TO NICK'S SALOON + + YOUR SYSOP AND BARTENDER: DOS BOSS + +SLOTS AVAILABLE: S6,D1,D2 + S3,D1,D2,D3 + +DISCLAIMER: The Sysop is not responsible for anything posted or implied by the +users of this board. All users are expected to conduct themselves in an adult +manner. + +For validation, fill out the required information. Incomplete questions will +result in *NO* validation! + + + Name: LYNOL + +Password: D00D3216 + + + +On-line : LYNOL + +Running AE... (Time Passes) +Wait.... + +(> +Current : S6 D1 V0 +New : D1 + +DISK VOLUME 254 + + A 002 HELLO + A 038 @LOGER + T 003 @AE.USERS + T 037 SYSOP WARES + B 006 RAMDRIVE + T 003 AE.WELCOME + B 135 AE + T 002 AEX + T 003 TO ALL FRM SYSOP + T 003 * ABOUT PAGING * + T 010 CALL OF THE INCARNATES + T 006 TO DOS BOSS + T 008 KING'S QUEST II + T 002 TO MR.SANDMAN + T 002 TO DOS BOSS + T 024 K-K00L D00DS PART 3 + B 106 DAS BOOT<106> + B 001 DAS BOOT/F/RADIOACTIVE SNAIL + T 003 ABOUT K-K00L D00DS 3 + T 002 DOES ANY HAVE BARD'S TALE DOCS + T 081 BARD'S TALE PARTIAL +19 Sectors (5K) remaining + +(>View: * ABOUT PAGING * + +Ok people, +The next person I catch that uploads a pager file, will have his ass booted +off this board real quick! If I wanted a pager, I would have put one in. The +reason I don't is because there is always some asshole that decides to page at +3 in the morning! You'll know when I'm in (or want to be in) because I usually +break in just to say hi. So let this serve as my first, last, and ONLY warning +about this. If you want to try me, go ahead! + sysop + +(> +Current : S6 D1 V0 +New : D2 + +DISK VOLUME 254 + +496 Sectors (124K) remaining + +(> +Current : S6 D2 V0 +New : S3 D1 + +DISK VOLUME 001 + + B 076 SPY VS SPY<332> + B 185 RESUME WRITER<185> + B 077 PORNO PRINT SHOP<077> +0 Sectors (0K) remaining + +(>SEND : PORNO PRINT SHOP<077> +170 Blocks + +Sysop breaking in for chat ... + +How old are you? + +7 BUT MY BIRTHDAY IS N^p + +AE : H)ANG UP +AE : LOST CARRIER +->DIAL : 341-1972 +AE : DIALING : 341-1972 +AE : WAITING TO CONNECT +AE : CONNECT + + +Press any key: + + + +W E L C O M E T O K A N D I M A N S + K E E P + +IF YOU ARE NOT USING AN APPLE WITH ASCII +EXPRESS THEN PLEASE TYPE "OFF". THIS +BOARD WILL NOT DO YOU ANY GOOD ! +IF YOU ARE USING AN APPLE WITH ASCII +EXPRESS, BUT DONT HAVE A PASSWORD TYPE +"NEW" AND LEAVE THE REQUESTED INFO. +AND YOU WILL BE VALIDATED A.S.A.P.. + + + Name: LYNOL + + +Password: D00D3681 + + + +Verifying... + +On-line: LYNOL + + + +Running AE... (Time Passes) +Wait.... + +(>Directory + +DISK VOLUME 254 + +*B 135 AE +*T 002 AEX + A 039 @LOGON +*B 005 RAMDRIVE + T 010 @AE.USERS + T 003 AE.WELCOME +*T 003 TO ALL FRM SYSOP + T 003 ADD + A 006 @A2 + B 169 FONTPAK-5<169> + T 024 K-K00L D00DS PART 3 + T 003 ABOUT K-K00L D00DS 3 + T 002 @AE.NEWUSERS +20 Sectors (5K) remaining + +(> +Current : S6 D1 V0 +New : D2 + +DISK VOLUME 254 + + B 096 KING'S QUEST ][.S1<352> + B 070 PS LIB.S2<070> +91 Sectors (23K) remaining + +(>SEND : KING'S QUEST ][.S1<352> +733 BLOCKS +Sysop breaking in for chat ... + +What will you upload if I give you this? + +KINGS'S QUEST III + + +AE : H)ANG UP +AE : LOST CARRIER +->OK TO EXIT ? Y +AE : GOODBYE + + + Ha! I like this one much better, and possibly if #3 didn't rid you of your +evil ways, this one will ... you will also notice that all of the catalogs +are genuine as of 12:47am on November 19th ... The boards Lynol called were : + + Red Light Inn (214) 393-0156 + Nick's Saloon (214) 398-0531 + Kandiman's Keep (214) 341-1972 + + Somebody make a vol.5 at least, this one took me forever ... + + - Radioactive Snail + + + (realtime character mode removed for normal leeching) diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/lechhate.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/lechhate.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..92b28dee --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/lechhate.hum @@ -0,0 +1,161 @@ +------------------------------------------ +- - +- What Leeches Hate About - +- A E Sysops - +- - +- written by... - +- >>CrackMaster<< - +- - +- call CrackMaster's Fortress AE - +- 201-946-7265 pw= cm85 10pm-6am - +- 300b sun-fri, 1200b sat - +- soon to be 1200 only! - +-The Fifth Precinct...[502] 245-8270 - +------------------------------------------ +Uploaded by Richard Lindop/SKG + + OK, this is my first (and maybe last) attempt at writing a text file. This +one is in the style of AE assholes and Real Pirates Guides except I am taking a +leech's point of view (last time doing that!). Anyway, on to the file: + + Leeches hate when sysops put up old wares when someone requests them because +they believe AE's are for them only. + + Leeches call up an AE number at any hour of the day, even if he knows it's +only up certain hours, just in case the sysop left the computer on. + + Leeches call AE's between the hours of midnight and dawn because that's when +all sane people are asleep. + + Leeches call AE's at 9:45 if the listing says it goes up at 10:00 because he +knows that the sysop probably put the computer up already, and that way he gets +to steal software before anyone else gets on + + Leeches hate it when a sysop leaves a drive open for uploads since they know +it could be filled with a new ware for them. + + Leeches hate when a sysop has to use a computer for a term paper or something +because they believe the users come first, sysop second. + + Leeches hate when a sysop asks for their name because they hate +talking/chatting with fellow humans. + + Leeches hate when a sysop asks them to call back because he's waiting for +someone to call to upload, because they believe in first come, first served. + + Leeches like when a sysop goes to sleep so he can leech wares without the +sysop hanging up on him or breaking in to chat. + + Leeches like when another leech posts an ID for a drive because then they can +get wares without uploading. (Usually the newest wares) + + Leeches, if they somehow upload, never send anything better (or longer) than a +bad rip-off of COPYA, about 25 sectors long and almost as slow. + + Leeches, if they really feel like uploading something worthwhile, upload a +game which he knows you've had for at least a month. + + Leeches hate when sysops insult leeches, or write/post/leave up textfiles +about leeches, because then the truth about them becomes known. + + Leeches hate when textfiles say that leeches have no girlfriends, because in +fact they love their sister. + + Leeches spell things with many y's in them because it makes it look more like +the word 'system' (i.e. syster, sytuation, systern, syst, zyts, syt-heads) + + Leeches cant spel. + + Leeches don't eat anything except for pizza, greasy hamburgers, and greasy +fries. + + Leeches eat that stuff to get more zits (makes them look like computer geeks, +the all time greatest title a computer user could get) + + Leeches are, or will be very soon, Computer Geeks. + + Leeches steal educational software from their schools. + + Leeches brag about it. + + Leeches find ways to rip off a generic disk from a school, then brag about +that all day until the comp teacher makes him write a program that will print 'I +will not steal disks' 1000 times. + + Leeches write a program to do that like this: + +10 ?"I will not steal disks" +20 ?"I will not steal disks" +30 ?"I will not steal disks" +... + + Leeches don't know much about Basic except for the above example + + Leeches (other than the one who wrote the above example) steal that program +just in case they decide to steal a generic disk. + + Leeches will leech anything with a filename. + + Leeches hate it when a sysop leaves AE numbers posted on the board because: + + a) they have every AE number in existance + b) it takes up 2 sectors per file + c) it takes 10 more seconds to display the catalog + + + Leeches hate it when sysops lock out the key because they don't like +reading the information about the sysem, such as # of drives, what wares are +new, etc. + + Leeches hate it when a sysop answers voice when the system isn't up, and +responds with one of the following: + + a) hangs up immediately + b) hangs up after a few seconds, just in case a carrier appears + c) asks sysop 'Whats yer newest warezzzzzzzzzzzzzz?' to find out if the + system is worth calling at all (but will call anyway just in case) + d) asks the sysop the logical question 'um, is the system up?' + + Leeches hate it when a sysop has 1200 only days because they only have a 300 +baud Networker. + + Leeches who have 1200 baud only have it because downloading takes 1/4 the +time. + + Leeches who have 1200 hate it when the system goes 300 only or 300/1200 since +then other leeches take up more time downloading. + + Leeches hate it when a sysop requests a specific upload, because they feel a +slight pang of guilt for a second because they have it (or just leeched it from +another AE) + + Leeches take the compleat AE list, then call every number in order until they +get through to one. + + Leeches download everything, then post an anonymous message asking the sysop +to put up another ware. + + Leeches post messages like 'I have Ultima VIII and you don't, na-na-na!' or +'Anybody who would like SuperWare XIX phone my AE at '1-800-rockits' or some +other obviously fake number. + + Leeches hate when a sysop hangs up on them because they are leeching software + + Leeches who also run AE's A-L-W-A-Y-S leech from the other AE in town, then +put that ware up, so that the two AE's look exactly alike. + + Leeches who run AE's have dumb-ass welcome messages asking for donations or +something (like for a 250 meg hard drive or a super delux 300/1200 volks- modem) + + Leeches never read textfiles, only download them, delete credits, and put +their own name up. + +-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-: + +Well, that's it for now, see you soon in 'part 2' (maybe). please +leave all credits intact, and call +CrackMaster's Fortress 201-946-7265 pw=cm85 10pm-6am +300b sun-fri, 1200b sat +Well, that's it. +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/leechdic.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/leechdic.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8469c22d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/leechdic.hum @@ -0,0 +1,172 @@ +:%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%: +:% %: +:% The Leech Dictionary %: +:% Written by The Blue Buccaneer %: +:% %: +:% The Rebel Alliance MegCatLine : [615] - 942 - 6670 %: +:% %: +:% Dedicated to %: +:% The Rocker %: +:% Who boldly leads our neverending battle against the leeches of the world %: +:% Franklin's Tower CatSend : [804] - 784 - 3884 %: +:% %: +:%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%: + + + Before we begin with The Leech Dictionary, I would like to take a moment to +list all of the known anti-leech publications available today. This list should +help you to make sure that you are kept up to date on the many leech problems of +today, as well as advise you on ways to stop and remove them. + +A Real Pirates' Guide (Volumes: 1,2, & 3) +A Real Cat Pirates' Guide +A Real Sysop's Guide +A Real CatLine Sysops' Guide +How to be a Leech +Losers +The Leech at Work +The Leech Dictionary +True Leech Hazard +What Leeches and Other Losers do on Saturday Nights +101 Nasty Things to do to your Local Leech +The Removal of Leeches + + [ Others may be available, but have not come my way as of yet. ] + +:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-: + + NOTE: When writing a LEECH file, be sure to spell LEECH right! (not leach) + +:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-: + +LEECH: [Definition as given by New Webster's Dictionary -Vest Pocket Edition] + Noun: Blood sucking aquatic worm. +LEECH: [Definition as given by The Sysops of America] + Thing: Ware sucking loser. + + Hopefully, you are all fully aware of what a leech is by this point. However, +for those of you who have been lucky enough to have been totally uneffected by +them, here is my brief description and definition of a leech: + + A leech as one (most commonly a loser), who calls the various Lines of our +great country and sucks all the wares. Sucking all the wares may include +everything from merely calling 20 times; uploading Cat-Fur and sucking through +that; to adding 2167 sectors from your Rana /// and switching disks all day. + + Now, here is where I would like to make a point that several of the other +Anti-Leech File authors have failed to neglect. + + At one time or another, every pirate was a leech. Whether it was some kind- +hearted local who supported your efforts until you grew to support yourself, or +you downloaded all the newest from an AE or CatSend line, so that you could have +something that was tradeable, you were all a leech at some point in time. Now, +the differance between our leeches of today and the leech you were a long, long +time ago, is this: + + You stopped. You got the new wares and then used your engineuity to trade and +keep yourself up to date with the wares and became a much better pirate. +Hopefully you learned the policies, guidelines, customs, and unspoken rules of +piracy, thus fully breaking your ties with your leech era. Maybe, being the +good pirate that you are, you rewarded those who helped you in your rise to +power. I, personally, sent a box of blanks to some of the people that were +exceptionally helpful to me. And then to some of the Sysops who helped me, I +uploaded till their drives overflowed. And for those pirates of yesteryear who +had declined, I sent them whatever they needed to get back on their feet. + + The leeches of today, however, are finding it simplier to remain leeches. +They continue to suck the wares and never rise to the places of higher piracy. +And it is those leeches who need to be removed/ destroyed/ oblitterated/ +terminated/ given-the-axe/etc.... [ You get my drift? ] + +:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-: + + + THE LEECH DICTIONARY + + ---------------------------------- + + Before the long listing of those words to watch out for, let me say some- +thing about the confusion about the words adopted into the "pirates slang". +Now, piracy has been around a good long while. I, myself, have been around +since before the opening of The Mines of Moria. I have Data-Capture 4.0 +captures of the early fazes of the BBS. I was user #23! (By the way, at that +time I was also paying for my calls and mail trading through The Source) + + (Yes, it was the latter part of my leach/loser era!) + + [By the way, the key to successful pirating is phreaking. There is no way in +hell that piracy could exist (even 1/1000 of what it does now) with out it. God +bless the idiots at MaBell, Sprint, MCI, Metro, and allover! ] + + Anyway, back to the sub-topic at hand. My point is this: These nice slang +words we use and some of which have now been termed "losers/leeches slang" have +been around for a very long time. Much longer than most of the pirates today. +(This means any of you how started out with anything newer than a ][) I will +admit that some of the slang has been ripped way out of proportion like !<00l, +lAT0r, and the such. These are products of demented minds which are bent on +devising unusual ways to type a simple word. That is not good. + + But, there has been and will always be a slang unique to pirates/phreaks/ +hackers/and crackers. And that slang should not be blackened because of the +slang of the losers and leeches in our society. + + NOTE: Noone should follow "A Real ______' Guide" to the letter. And noone + should quote from it. + + Now, here's what ole Webbie has to say about the word "slang": + + SLANG: Noun: colloquial words and phrases; jargon. Now "jargon", my +friends, is a special vocabulary of a class, trade, or profession. So now we +have two jargons: The Pirates' and The Losers'/Leeches' I think we have already +been over why the two are different. The Pirates' jargon consists mainly of the +proper English language (spelled & punctuated correctly - or as to the best of +the ability of the pirate, which should be fairly good as "Real Pirates" are +above the age that they are constantly misspelling everything). In addition to +proper English, pirates have also addapted a slang. This slang is basically a +shorthand method of typing some words in the proper English language. A few +examples of this are: Warez (wares), Lozer (loser), and other substitutions of +"z"/"s" & "ph"/"f" : Fone (phone), Comp (computer), and numerous abrevations +which typically leave out the vowels: Txtfl (textfile), (you get the idea) Then +there are ones like substituting the letter "k" for "c" as in kool & krack/krak. +Then there are other substitutions like putting "j" for "g" as in "majic". And +then the standard ones like: yer (your), em (them), and doin (doing). Then we +have: U (you), Y (yes), N (no), 2 (to/too), b4 (before), etc. In addition are +the "new contractions": shouldda, havta, gonna, couldda, musta, etc. +Basically, all the slang words are a result of either phonetic, shortened, or +unique ways of spelling the words. + + But this is taken drastically out of hand when: + +1] It is used without any sort of discretion at all. + EX: I kalld mI brthr A krAsi loozer & hit im with de fone. +2] It is excessively twisted. + EX: !<00l, K00L, K-KOOL, lAt0r, and anything from the above example. +3] It is mixed with an otherwise seemingly normal paragraph. + EX: If I was to use any of the above in anything other than an example. + + NOTE: Cursor magic (back-spacing, twirling, jumping, etc) is dead. + + There is nothing wrong at all with using pirate slang, just so long as it +doesn't break any of the above rules. + +:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-: + + At this point I have realized (as you might have also), that there is no real +need for a long list of words that word point out a potential loser or leech. +If you are able to understand what I have said in this textfile then you should +be able to pick them out for yourself. Also it would not be right to have a +specific list of words that losers and leeches use because that would be +generalizing both the pirates and the losers / leeches; and that would be wrong +to do. So all I can say, is use your best judgement, follow the pointers +offered in textfiles like this, and give those on the way up a break. (Please +note that losers do not deserve the breaks that leeches on the way up do. A +loser is totally different that a leech and should thus be treated so.) + +:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-: + +-TBB [MARCH 1, 1985] [Original file length: 38 Sectors] + +:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-: + +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/leechus.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/leechus.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fc11f13a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/leechus.hum @@ -0,0 +1,156 @@ +[==============================================================================] +[ A Lengthy Comparison of Real Users and Real Leeches ] +[ 80 cols by Xerox Zeke (c) 1985 132 cols in a pinch ] +[ A Three Sheets to the Wind Production ] +[ ThunderCats! Hooooooooooooooooo! ] +[==============================================================================] + + God, you say to yourself, doesn't this guy ever write anything besides +terrorist files and "real this" and "real that"? Well, fuck you, it's 2:27, +EST, and I'm fucked up royally and just about as bored. So fuck the world, +anarchy rules, and here we go... + + o A Real User reads the welcome message and bulletins. But only if they don't +have spinning cursors and the "latest backspaceing modz" in them. A Real Leech +never reads welcomes or bulletins UNLESS they have spinning shit and backspaces. + + o A Real User, when downloading, estimates his time very carefully so he knows +if it's safe to go take a shit or make a sandwich or whatever. A Real Leech +sets his term program to automatically download everything and then hang up. + + o A Real User, if drawn into chatting, will chat. A Real Leech, if drawn into +chat, will drop carrier. + + o A Real User only tries to chat if he's bored or has a serious question. A +Real Leech hits ^G fifty million times and U/L's his own pager files whenever he +wants to only say "Plleeeeez put up Karateka sidez 1-50 for meeeeeeee +kkk-d000de?" + + o A Real User writes his own g-files and uploads them. A Real Leech changes +the names in g-files and uploads them + + o A Real User is over 15 years old. A Real Leech is under 15 years old. + + o A Real User doesn't make excuses if he doesn't have the latest. A Real +Leech lies and says he has the latest but he has to go eat supper. + + o A Real User can comfortably switch between voice and data as often as he +likes. A Real Leech doesn't know how, and besides, is afraid that people will +hear his voice and trace it. It usually rivals that of a castrated squirrel in +tone and pitch. + + +Ok, I'm still fucked up and still fucking bored, so let's move on to their +personal habits... + + + + o A Real User reads sci-fi and fantasy. Sometimes horror. A Real Leech reads +the Magic of Xanth. + + o A Real User reads either Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or nothing at all. A +Reel Leech reads Marvel SuperHeroes Secret Wars. + + o A Real User will eat any kind of food once. A Real Leech sticks to Count +Chocula for breakfast and burgers for dinner. + + o A Real User isn't inside his hous 24 hours a day working on the computer. A +Real Leech is, unless he's over at another leech's house where when one of them +goes to take a shit, the other copies as many disks as he can... + + o A Real User has a job. A Real Leech depends on a $25 a week allowance his +parents give him for taking out the garbage. + + o A Real User goes out on Friday nights, and either gets laid, fucked up, or +both. He has no memory the next day, and doesn't give a fuck. A Real Leech +invites a friend over. They steal gin or something sorry like that from his +parent's liquor cabinet. They each take two sips and puke their asses off and +vow never to do it again, or they dilute it with Cherry Coke, drink the whole +thing, and go jump off his roof. Good riddance. + + o A Real User drinks peppermint schnapps. A Real Leech, as I said, doesn't +get drunk. If he does, it's on gin. + + o A Real User is over 5 feet in height. A Real Leech is rarely over 5 feet, +and when he is, he's so skinny it looks like someone cast a Duo-Dimension spell +on him... + + o A Real User dreams of putting a board up, and sometimes does. A Real Leech +puts up a paid-for, unmodified version of Net-Works on a single drive system. +His welcome screen has nothing BUT text-trix. He has no good files to speak of, +because he wants the board to be "totally 100% super-duper triple-mega-awesome +ELITE!" + + o A Real User listens to alternative radio. A Real Leech listens to Top 40. + + o A Real User likes everything except Top 40 and C&W. A Real Leech thinks +heavy metal is for drugged out brainless morons. He fantasizes about Cyndi +Lauper. (The smart Real User fantasizes about Tina Turner.) + + o A Real User fantasizes now and then. A Real Leech fantasizes all the time +unless he's on the computer. (Maybe that is why they download so much...so they +have time to fantisize and jack off on the keyboard while the file is being +received...) + + o A Real User would not be crushed by the loss of the warboard. A Real Leech +would die without the warboard. He posts funny stuff like "FUK U! YUR A FUKIN +WIMP AND IM GONNU KIK YUR AS IF I EVER KETCH U OUTSIDE YUUR HOUSE +MUTHERFUKR...LAYTOR D0000000000DZ...!@#$%^&*()THE BLACK TURTLE)(*&^%$#@!" + + o A Real User knows how to spell and construct well-written, grammatically +correct sentences. He knows how to punctuate. A Real Leech does too, but he +thinks it's "k-k0000l" to do it as shown above. + + o A Real User uses text capture on stupid messages like that, and on text +files. A Real Leech turns on text capture at carrier detect, and keeps it on +for the whole day so he can impress his leech friends who call up his "AE" and +see a file one hundred trillion sectors long...of course he saves it as a +protected binary file so they can't do anything with it but they are impressed +anyway. + + o A Real User likes files like this, and writes one at some point in his life. +A Real Leech reads a file like this, and leaves feedback saying "MAKE THAT ONE +GUY WHASTHISFACE OHYEAH SECTOR SURGEON OR WHATEVER MAKE HIM QUIT WRITING PHILLLS +ABOUT MEEE" + + o A Real User likes anybody who is cool, no matter what they look like or +believe in. A Real Leech likes people who give him wares. And the nuns at his +school that he sucks up to. And his dog. And...and that's about it. + + o A Real User writes clear, concise messages. A Real Leech thinks it's +"k-k000l" to put something like this on the last line of his message: + +.S +/EX + +.ES +/ES +/FUCK + + + o A Real User posts something either humorous, informative, or asking for some +help. A Real Leech posts something like "Latest Backspaceing Tips" or "NEw modz +for Apple Cat 212 and Net-Worx" + + o A Real User parties for fun. Or, failing that, gets fucked up and writes a +file like this just for the fuck of it...then when he's done he figures what the +hell and uploads it to some place... + + A Real Leech for fun does one of the following: + + -Jacks off -Watches grass grow + -Listens to Top 40 tapes -Sits across from the fire station in hopes + on dictating casettes that there will be a fire somewhere + -Invents new backspaces -Invents new handles + -Clips his fingernails and -Reads his dad's Playboy + saves the clippings -Jacks off some more + + Good God! It only took me 33 minutes to write this stupid file? I'm more +stoned than I thought. Oh well...guess I'll go blast Jimi Hendrix and turn on +the 'ol strobelight... + +SOFDOX Krackers + +December 25th 1985 +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/losers.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/losers.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..07b3c800 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/losers.hum @@ -0,0 +1,125 @@ +Read: real losers + + ^*^ REAL LOSERS GUIDE VOL.1 ^*^ + + COMPILED BY : THE ENFORCER + + ^*^ WEST SIDE PIRATES ^*^ + + ^*^ MICRO-TECH(818)369-5873 ^*^ + + + This file was written for 'REAL LOSERS' to recognize their faults, +and get out of our lives!! + + [ LOSERS' COMPUTER SYSTEMS ] + + REAL LOSERS with C-64's think they are better than Apple because + "you get 64k for less money!!" + + REAL LOSERS get ALL their Hardware for Christmas. + + REAL LOSERS don't know why the letters on the keyboard aren't in + alphabetical order! + + [ LOSERS ON BBS'S ] + + REAL LOSERS think getting mail is a "thrill" and post countless + bulletins beggin people to send it. + + REAL LOSERS scribble down every number they see posted,and when + ALL the boards are busy,they'll call Dial-Your-Match + just to "get on-line!" + + REAL LOSERS don't use lower case. + + REAL LOSERS never post anything more than "post!post!post!" "call this + K-K00L BBS!" or "This board looks great so let's post and + advertise!" + + -> the same loser <- + ........wonders why he doesn't get higher access,for + posting so many messages! + + -> the same loser <- + ........posts "tell 'em I sent ya!",because that's + the only way they can get their access raised.. + + [ LOSERS ON AE'S ] + + REAL LOSERS upload "Choplifter" and think they're "K-K00L" for + doing it. + + REAL LOSERS call Ae's with their C-64's + + -> the same loser <- + ........is looking for C-64 Ae Lines! + + [ MORE LOSERS ] + + REAL LOSERS have Ultra-High voices + + REAL LOSERS think this or that music "rules" + + REAL LOSERS watch Wally George everyday,and want him to be + president. + + REAL LOSERS thought the TV Show "Whiz Kids" was realistic. + + REAL LOSERS watch porno movies because they can't get the + real thing! + + REAL LOSERS read Family Computing Magazine and type in all + those "neato" Basic Programs! + + [ LOSERS AS SYSOPS ] + + REAL LOSERS run C-64 Boards with a tape drive,with the following: + disk drive coming soon!(for my b-day) + Email coming Soon! + Msg Bases Coming Soon! + Passwords coming Soon! + BBS Program Coming Soon! "it's gonna be K-K00L,eh?" + + REAL LOSER SYSOPS think they can run a BBS on their home "fone line" + + REAL LOSER SYSOPS put their boards up "24 hrs!" but,after a + few minutes with no calls,will call other + boards,and advertise their "boards", when + no one can call,because they are always + calling other boards advertising to call + "their board!" + + REAL LOSER SYSOPS run 1 drive BBS/AE's + + REAL LOSER SYSOPS won't voice verify everyone because "it's NOT Local!" + + REAL LOSER SYSOPS give out "Co-Sysop" titles to a person they "think + is K-K00L,while he has never met the "Co-Sysop" + ,nor is the "Co-Sysop" in any way responsible for + when the board went up,nor does a "Co-Sysop" do + anything for the board but brag about his title, + and say "we" when refering to what the sysop + is going to do..(i.e. "we're gonna give U all + higher access!" ) + The Sysop will say before he gets the "Co-Sysop" + -->"o.k. leave me feedback cuz i'm going to + pick someone for co-sysop!!" + + -> well,that's about it...for this installment.. Look soon for "Real Losers + Vol.2" soon,in which I will have complied a bunch of "REAL" posts + and quotes from....REAL LOSERS!! + + ^*^ REAL LOSERS VOL.1 ^*^ + COMPILED BY: THE ENFORCER + ^*^ WEST SIDE PIRATES ^*^ + NO COPYRIGHT! + DISTRIBUTE AT WILL! + WRITTEN ON JULY 2,1985 TIME IS NOW: 1:29:05 AM +->MICRO-TECH(818)369-5873 + + + +(> +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/mel-prog.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/mel-prog.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..600f66c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/mel-prog.txt @@ -0,0 +1,133 @@ +The story of a REAL Real Programmer. + Mel + +I first met Mel when I went to work for Royal McBee Computer Corp., a now- +defunct subsidiary of the typewriter company. The firm manufactured the +LGP-30, a small, cheap (by the standards of the day) drum-memory computer, +and had just started to manufacture the RPC-4000, a much-improved, bigger, +better, faster drum-memory computer. Cores cost too much, and weren't here +to stay, anyway. (That's why you haven't heard of the company, or the +computer.) + +I had been hired to write a Fortran compiler for this new marvel, and Mel was +my guide to its wonders. Mel didn't approve of compilers. + +"If a program can't rewrite its own code," he asked, "what good is it?" + +Mel had written, in hexadecimal, the most popular computer program the company +owned. It ran on the LGP-30 and played blackjack with potential customers at +computer shows. Its effect was always dramatic. The LGP-30 booth was packed +at every show, and the IBM salesmen stood around talking to each other. +Whether or not this actually sold computers was a question we never discussed. + +Mel's job was to re-write the blackjack program for the RPC-4000. (Port? What +does that mean?) The new computer had a one-plus-one addressing scheme, in +which each machine instruction, in addition to the operation code and the +address of the needed operand, had a second address that indicated where, on +the revolving drum, the next instruction was located. In modern parlance, +every single instruction was followed by a GO TO! Put *that* in Pascal's pipe +and smoke it. + +Mel loved the RPC-4000 because he could optimize his code: that is, locate +instructions on the drum so that just as one finished its job, the next would +be just arriving at the read head and available for immediate execution. There +was a program to do that job, an "optimizing assembler," but Mel refused to +use it. + +"You never know where it's going to put things," he explained, "so you'd have +to use separate constants." + +It was a long time before I understood that remark. Since Mel knew the +numerical value of every operation code, and assigned his own drum addresses, +every instruction he wrote could also be considered a numerical constant. He +could pick up an earlier "add" instruction, say, and multiply by it, if it had +the right numeric value. His code was not easy for someone else to modify. + +I compared Mel's hand-optimized programs with the same code massaged by the +optimizing assembler program, and Mel's always ran faster. That was because +the "top-down" method of program design hadn't been invented yet, and Mel +wouldn't have used it anyway. He wrote the innermost parts of his program +loops first, so they would get first choice of the optimum address locations +on the drum. The optimizing assembler wasn't smart enough to do it that way. + +Mel never wrote time-delay loops, either, even when the balky Flexowriter +required a delay between output characters to work right. He just located +instructions on the drum so each successive one was just *past* the read head +when it was needed; the drum had to execute another complete revolution to find +the next instruction. He coined an unforgettable term for this procedure. +Although "optimum" is an absolute term, like "unique," it became common verbal +practice to make it relative: "not quite optimum" or "less optimum" or "not +very optimum." Mell called the maximum time-delay locations the "most +pessimum." + +After he finished the blackjack program and got it to run, ("Even the +initializer is optimized," he said proudly) he got a Change Request from the +sales department. The program used an elegant (optimized) random number +generator to shuffle the "cards" and deal from the "deck," and some of the +salesmen felt it was too fair, since sometimes the customers lost. They +wanted Mel to modify the program so, at the setting of a sense switch on the +console, they could change the odds and let the customer win. + +Mel balked. He felt this was patently dishonest, which it was, and that it +impinged on his personal integrity as a programmer, which it did, so he +refused to do it. The Head Salesman talked to Mel, as did the Big Boss and, +at the boss's urging, a few Fellow Programmers. Mel finally gave in and wrote +the code, but he got the test backwards, and when the sense switch was turned +on, the program would cheat, winning every time. Mel was delighted with this, +claiming his subconscious was uncontrollably ethical, and adamantly refused to +fix it. + +After Mel had left the company for greener pastures, the Big Boss asked me to +look at the code and see if I could find the test and reverse it. Somewhat +reluctantly, I agreed to look. Tracking Mel's code was a real adventure. + +I have often felt that programming is an art form, whose real value can only be +appreciated by another versed in the same arcane art; there are lovely gems and +brilliant coups hidden from human view and admiration, sometimes forever, by +the very nature of the process. You can learn a lot about an individual just +by reading through his code, even in hexadecimal. Mel was, I think, an unsung +genius. + +Perhaps my greatest shock came when I found an innocent loop that had no test +in it. No test. *None*. Common sense said it had to be a closed loop, where +the program would circle, forever, endlessly. Program control passed right +through it, however, and safely out the other side. It took me two weeks to +figure it out. + +The RPC-4000 computer had a really modern facility called an index register. It +allowed the programmer to write a program loop that used an indexed instruction +inside; each time through, the number in the index register was added to the +address of that instruction, so it would refer to the next datum in a series. +He had only to increment the index register each time through. Mel never +used it. + +Instead, he would pull the instruction into a machine register, add one to its +address, and store it back. He would then execute the modified instruction +right from the register. The loop was written so this additional execution +time was taken into account -- just as this instruction finished, the next one +was right under the drum's read head, ready to go. But the loop had no test +in it. + +The vital clue came when I noticed the index register bit, that bit that lay +between the address and the operation code in the instruction word, was +turned on -- yet Mel never used the index register, leaving it zero all the +time. When the light went on it nearly blinded me. + +He had located the data he was working on near the top of memory -- the largest +locations the instructions could address -- so after the last datum was handled, +incrementing the instruction address would make it overflow. The carry would +add one to the operation code, changing it to the next one in the instruction +set: a jump instruction. Sure enough, the next program instruction was in +address location zero, and the program went happily on its way. + +I haven't kept in touch with Mel, so I don't know if he ever gave in to the +flood of change that has washed over programming techniques since those long- +gone days. I like to think he didn't. In any event, I was impressed enough +that I quit looking for the offending test, telling the Big Boss that I +couldn't find it. He didn't seem surprised. + +When I left the company, the blackjack program would still cheat if you turned +on the right sense switch, and I think that's how it should be. I didn't feel +comfortable hacking up the code of a Real Programmer. + +(Part of the folklore of the net - Usenet alt.folklore.computers) \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/melvins.gph b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/melvins.gph new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7ef87e4d69a51840b1175987704729e60ba9b7f8 GIT binary patch literal 3328 zcmcIm!BQJX5Y0K2{6J0}av%qZATT5*u~Q(xmI2#^FeK&jVYEA1O*A{bH8U$&`TD$` z-4zn$gD+7PNINs#^ZNDc?j8L4{kPxX)BOMLBMn`&{V|QB^6{5( zn-=#*FHdOr?&kf6yNg@8xwyU`y&X3vzPQ(HQTy3+wY}4w*!u1dxvc7_J>6)#FfR1J z!f4CG*E}>nPbu5Jj7%VQnwB#@*~C2xq)nUwRPA#7KccDDk)pDe*b^_XcKo>3Bgc`J z+7vV6ie`JTzfTpzJnS`|&*~W21)AZ`Ff(9Xyx|gBsuk5$4|hdl)BaRtTCh!Qty}Zg zD$u_s23V*_h2ki{3 zAPFOD5Is<%otAhN6~X25uonz|T#XQ|`@Ti|!`RxV8YGLY11bl+RprUndZTUP+3ukf@WshqfR{gy4?-4?#pb(@^3%H;}}oH>sX* z_gKZ+%Y#F|i=Ew>M<#@@OKU3Hb-Q$FK=9E%Sj3efn=yCfKeQ$LYD8}sC_pF*%xO!{ zdo8C+WTP$M!;{1PPTzhd!iT>K@qvO;OBe|6T;$<#*F}!zgruUyPSLTMcHi$dDHTf- zsniN87yH&}L)eYUJoih^A(PQax;$7y<6$2(5=n1$#BV6QwR%8bq`0cY>(1?mxAgkr z`ug1tVU~rBh2Hs~H$Lv&9~?c~Y34vO3<{&JfLjzK>ZQaD7GnUo#5`z78U2otGq(87 zkrMVaPn@n3H7!ymoj3rd=0naE+#z`9L(-e+nt}2#r$B*kaJs zkjYA#E}A^52{kWfLD_|jVi{%7snw7tLQ9apbk|_e$9R1bya2|;1j_ZDmV@?45R}a! zrjSyC2N*?0O9t?VY(Z%gH18EnQ5rrBz7kQ?s8hT#6vq;i2(2VYz``-0P63O6M><(@Vj$=C?`%;m0Qu zJVZdpkB1rsc1fr>1QQ_|kh+nOg)TrU#^jdd@a{NA`$6W{ND(JqzCbtzD<+=cOHFi- zAT{MykM|-Qpk|5}j5M_%U;WvH*py`=Pp6VZAL$A+Wiho%oL+JbVNO!>uNd_Qyaxvu z3^fD^46&%es$^dJz6_>>rm9h3;xKws6li@!4L|KGck}S`%jWyzt*J8pgqJXRgB$dJ bdq#i0z~HQVe++M5zQF69k0(F;|DXQ=f@0SP literal 0 HcmV?d00001 diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pirates.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pirates.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5f09c363 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pirates.txt @@ -0,0 +1,323 @@ + Real Pirates -- Volume 4 + + Real Pirates are at least 15 years old. (old, isn't it? but it remains +true) + + Real Pirates can, if they have to. + + Real Pirates don't really care what kind of modem they use, because just +about any kind will work. + + Real Pirates recognize AE 4.3 Prodos as the real useless piece of shit that +it is. + + corollary: Real Pirates use AE 4.2 exclusively. If they don't have 4.2, +they improvise. + + corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates know enough 6502 programming to +improvise. + + Real Pirates play some instrument that can be used in a rock band, +preferably stringed. (guitar, bass, etc.) + + Real Pirates wear shirts that say: "Frankie says....shut up Madonna" on +them. + + Real Pirates just don't give a damn. + + Real Pirates who run systems of their own don't force uploads because +they know that there are enough other real pirates around that they will event + + Real Pirates have Universe side 3 and have had it for a long time. + + corollary: Real Pirates think in 80 columns. (Real Pirates with Ultraterms, +though, think in 160 columns. + + corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates dream in hi-res. + + Real Pirates who have Apple //es have never used 280 X 192 graphics on +their machine, only 560 X 192. + + Real Pirates have a ramdrive. + + Real Pirates who run systems don't backspace over their names 50 times +in the welcome message because they know that the only reason people read +welcome messages is to find out where the damn drives are. + + Real Pirates have a girlfriend. + + Real Pirates don't even think about calling the ANALOG lines any more +because there aren't any wares on them, only sext (sex-text) files. + + corollary: Real Pirates don't need to get their thrills from a textfile. + + corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates don't give a shit who "sheryl" +is. + + Real Pirates don't whine about other people having funny names. + + corollary: Real Pirates call themselves whatever the hell they feel +like because they know that what they call themselves doesn't diminish their +abilities any. + + Real Pirates don't brag about their cracking abilities. If they crack +something, they put their name in ONE title page and start passing it around. + + Real Pirates who get wares that have 10,000 useless title pages "CALL THESE +RAD AE LINES! CRACKED BY MR. MAXIMUM! FAG OF THE YEAR...." and so on, know +how to get around them. + + Real Pirates upload. + + corollary: Real Pirates upload FIRST. + + If a system has online lists of what the sysop has and is looking for, Real +Pirates read them so they don't upload something he already has. + + Real Pirates who run AE lines do so 24 hours a day. + + Real Pirates have 1200 baud. + + corollary: Real Pirates have 1200 baud only because they haven't bought +a 2400 baud modem yet. + + Real Pirates know that it is only a matter of time before MCI and the +others clean up their long-distance lines enough to allow 2400 baud +transfers. + + Real Pirates are not selfish with their phreak codes, just like with +their wares. + + Real Pirates do not conclude every conversation with "Later", "Later on", +"Later daze", or anything of the like. + + Although they know how to spell and have impeccable grammar, Real Pirates +don't start bitching when someone else does it wrong. They just write them off +mentally as being a hopeless fuck-up. + + Real pirates have a larger vocabulary than just "what's your +newest?". + + Real Pirates who are sysops do not have idiotic validation procedures that +take days or weeks. They know that when people call, they want wares, so +they give them immediate access to the AE part of the system. + + corollary: Real Pirates know that Textfiles are NOT the main reason to +call systems. + + Real Pirates who live in non-Communist zones read Joe Bob +Briggs. + + Real Pirates read science fiction. + + corollary: Real Pirates do not refer to science fiction as "sci-fi" because +they know it's derogatory. + + Real Pirates read Real science fiction by hardcore authors like Isaac +Asimov, Larry Niven, and David Gerrold, and couldn't care less about +the fucking Xanth series. + + + Well that's it for now. But since the Real Pirate breed is quickly +becoming contaminated and inbred, keep watch for more of these guides to set +the record straight. Call your favorite system today and upload any +ware the sysop needs, it'll be doing him a much-appreciated favor. Finally: + + Real Pirates aren't perfect. If you think you met every qualification in +this guide, you're just a stuck-up conceited excuse for an asshole and +should see a doctor to get your ego fixed. + + corollary: Real Pirates are Good Enough. + + + + The Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2 + + There are lotsa pirates, unfortunately, a vast majority of them +are morons. For this reason, these "guides" have been assembled to aid in +the growth and maturity of the younger pirate generation.Which brings +us to the golden rule of pirating: "REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS OF +AGE"(exceptions are few, like if one was a beta-tester for Broderbund, we +could let that slide). + +Real Pirates have long-since deleted Caverns of Freitag," "Mr. Cool," +"Trompers," "Jenny of the Prairie," and still couldn't give a sack of dog +dicks about anything from Avalon Hill, SSI, and especially Scott Adams(AI). + +Corollary: Real Pirates would jump at the chance to "help" Adventure +International go Chapter 11. + +Real Pirates pirates aren't just "learning assembly." Or even worse, +"machine language." + +Real Pirates know that Lord British is not the Monarch of any European empire. + +Real Pirates know that "Road Pizza" was either a very good joke, or a very +bad game. + +When posting a message, Real Pirates can differentiate between: 'z' and 's', +'ph' and 'f', '2' and 'two', 'u' and 'you', '0' and 'O', '4' and 'for', and +'x' and 'ks'. + +Corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates aren't constantly searching for +new ways to spell "WARES". + +Real Pirates use lower case. + +Real Pirates don't use text graphics. + +Real Pirates don't post "I have" messages, when they really don't have. + +Real Pirates aren't too impressed with "spinny" cursors, and turn them off +upon logging onto such boards. + +Real Pirates don't try to impress others with their superior ability to +add many carriage returns at the end of a message, thus preventing anyone +from reading the last few lines. + +Real Pirates, when trading with another Real Pirate, are not concerned +with matching everything the other pirate sends them. Real Pirates are +happy to send wares to other Real Pirates simply because they are in the +same business. (ie. no, "I send you 3 sides, you send me 3 sides") + +Real Pirates don't wait for BBS' to print out their "goodbye" message, they +hang-up. + +Real Pirates always have a copy of Diskcomm 3.2 handy + +Real Pirates don't end their messages with, "leave e-mail to [xxx xxx]," or +anything of the sort. + +Corollary: Real Pirates don't respond to such messages, and in no way use +them as a means to get "new wares." + +Real Pirates aren't found to frequent the local "Bitch Board". + +Real Pirates don't make threats of violence against others through the +phone lines. After all, how is someone living in Acron, Ohio going to +"beat the living shit out of" someone living in Waco, Texas? Not through Zap +Mail, that's for sure. + +Real Pirates know that the disclaimers often stuck in by BBS sysops do little +more then waste 20-40 bytes of RAM. + +Real Pirates don't post messages telling us what is "old", so they can +fill some space, thus making it look like they actually had a reason to post +something relavent. + +Real Pirates don't think it's keen to be able to put '/S' on a line by +itself, and have it included in the message. + +Real Pirates have a "sixth sense" that tells them which board to post a +certain message on (ie. no "new wares" messages on the "Famous People Which I +Have Met" board). + +Real Pirates can spot a Net-Works BBS miles away. + +Real Pirates names aren't parodies of other respectable pirates (ie. The Male +Nurse of Magenta Bag, Franklin Bandit, 5 1/4" Jockey, etc.). + +Real Pirates names have no association to any type of music whatsoever (ie. +Green Manalishi, The \ Scorpion,etc.). + +Never is the prefix "Krack", or "Crack" found in a Real Pirates name +unless they actually can crack, and don't just have one. + +Real Pirates aren't named: The Ace, The Zapman, Lord Fagan, Captain Bly, +Pac-Rat, The Wrench,The Lumberjack, Mr. Party, The Fly,Happy Hacker, or +Der Fuhrer. + +When talking with a Real Pirate on the phone, you can be assured of not +hearing Culture Club or the Pointer Sisters being played stridently in the +background. + +Real Pirates weren't dissapointed when "Fantasy Island" was cancelled, and +didn't worry whether or not the Cuban midget would ever get another job. + +Real Pirates would like to see a final episode of "The Love Boat", where Vicky +absent-mindidly throws a lighted joint next to a propane tank, causing the +ship to go up in a terrific display of fire and smoke, whilst seeing the heads +and bodyparts of "your crew" scattered about the water. + +Real Pirates watch "Late Night with David Lettermen." + +Real Pirates just don't give a damn! + +Well, that's it. For now. If you were at all offended by anything in +this article, that's your que to retire from pirating, because after +all, Real Pirates aren't offended by things contained in text files. + + + + + + Real Preates Guide - Vol III + + The following is a list of what pirate is or isn't. In many cases, +you will find similar experiences in your own pirate life. + + Real pirates realize that piracy is not a crime; it is the only +solution. Real pirates do not get paranoid of Sierra On-line's copy +violation warning: $50,000 fine and/or imprisonment. + + Real pirates don't worship hires pictures. Real pirates can't afford +Hayes modem because they know it's not worth the money. Real pirates never +made the mistake of buying a Hayes modem. Real pirates don't try to use +Disk-fer with their Hayes modem. Real pirates don't pick 'answer' mode in +Disk-fer simply because they know they they will get their disk first. + + Real pirates can send without recieving. (Give without taking.) +Real pirates don't get I/O errors on half their disks. Real pirates don't +use generic disks. Real pirates don't use their apples for testing plant +growth and temperatures. Real pirates don't replace their fish tank with +"Fishies." + + Real pirates know what they have in their library. Real pirates don't +delete something for everything they get. Real pirates don't buy software +so they can be the first to crack it. + + Real pirates don't waste their money on software because they know +it's not worth it. Real pirates know that Pole Position for the Apple will +never come out. Real pirates don't make prank phone calls. Real pirates +don't advertise their bbs/ae/catsend lines without keeping them up. Real +pirates run a bbs/ae/catsend line 24 hours a day or they don't run one at +all. Real pirates have two phone lines. Real pirates realize that they +asked for it when they get a call for their bbs/ae/catsend line at the wrong +time of the day. Real pirates know that the South Pole is located in the +U.S.A. + + Real pirates don't put their name and numbers on other pirate's wares. +Real pirates don't put their friends names on a crack just to make +him/her/it well-known. Real pirates not pollute their wares with numerous +names, groups and numbers. Real pirates do not update their whole +system and collection to Prodos. Real pirates never run out of disk space. +Real pirates don't trade their Apple II/II+/IIe in for a IIc. Real pirate +don't bug other pirates for "new wares." + + Real pirates don't freak out when they meet a female pirate. Real +pirates are not conceited. Real pirates don't make mommy buy the blank +disks. Real pirates know how to spell. Real pirates don't play Stickybear ABC. +Real pirates are not racists. Real pirates do not hang out on homo-sexual +based bbs's. Real pirates can find in their collection what they know they +have. Real pirates are not in a hurry to collect all of the Trillium shit. +Real pirates have alternate ways of copying Time Zone other than by modem. +Real pirates don't turn a file into a full disk so they can slap their tacky +title page on to it. + + Real pirates don't join groups so they can become well-known. Real +pirates don't need a reason to have access to a certain board or bbs. Real +pirates do not brag to computer illiterates that they can break into +banks, etc. now with their new modem when they know they can't. Real +pirates don't waste their time and money driving miles to see other +pirates. Real pirates do not brag of their alcohol/drug use; sexual desire +and experiences; and or suicide attempts. + + Real pirates do not know how many disks they have, and do not care to +hear the notion of how many disks that another pirate has. Real pirates don't +make obnoxious noises, sounds, moans, groans, and tones while on a conference +line. Real pirates don't get other pirates in trouble. Real pirates don't +bill other pirates. (Unless he/she/it has done the same to you.) Real pirates +don't spend their life typing in text-files. (Which is why this one is +almost done.) Real pirates do not have to read files like this one, they know +what they are already. + diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pirates2.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pirates2.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..738456fa --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pirates2.txt @@ -0,0 +1,163 @@ + ------------------------------------- + + + + + REAL PIRATES GUIDE VOLUME III V.2 + + + -WRITTEN BY THE WHIP- + + + + + ------------------------------------- + + The following is a list of what + pirate is or isn't. In many cases, + you will find similar experiences in + your own pirate life. As you see, + this text is formatted in 40 columns + which brings us to the first instance + REAL PIRATES do not care what the + width of a text was formatted in. They + can handle anything. Therefore all of + you 80 column owners, bare with it. + The Apple II/II+ will be around for + long time. + Real pirates realize that piracy + is not a crime; it is the only + solution. Real pirates do not get + paranoid of Sierra On-line's copy + violation warning: $50,000 fine and/or + imprisonment. + Real pirates don't worship hires + pictures. Real pirates can't afford + Hayes modem because they know it's not + worth the money. Real pirates never + made the mistake of buying a Hayes + modem. Real pirates don't try to use + Disk-fer with their Hayes modem. Real + pirates don't pick 'answer' mode in + Disk-fer simply because they know they + they will get their disk first. + Real pirates can send without + recieving. (Give without taking.) + Real pirates don't get I/O errors on + half their disks. Real pirates don't + use generic disks. Real pirates don't + use their apples for testing plant + growth and temperatures. Real pirates + don't replace their fish tank with + "Fishies." + Real pirates know what they have + in their library. Real pirates don't + delete something for everything they + get. Real pirates don't buy software + so they can be the first to crack it. + Real pirates don't waste their + money on software because they know + it's not worth it. Real pirates know + that Pole Position for the Apple will + never come out. Real pirates don't + make prank phone calls. Real pirates + don't advertise their bbs/ae/catsend + lines without keeping them up. Real + pirates run a bbs/ae/catsend line 24 + hours a day or they don't run one at + all. Real pirates have two phone + lines. Real pirates realize that they + asked for it when they get a call for + their bbs/ae/catsend line at the wrong + time of the day. Real pirates know + that the South Pole is located in the + U.S.A. + Real pirates don't put their name + and numbers on other pirate's wares. + Real pirates don't put their friends + names on a crack just to make + him/her/it well-known. Real pirates + not pollute their wares with numerous + names, groups and numbers.Real pirates + do not update their whole system and + collection to Prodos. Real pirates + never run out of disk space. Real + pirates don't trade their Apple + II/II+/IIe in for a IIc. Real pirate + don't bug other pirates for "new + wares." + Real pirates don't freak out when + they meet a female pirate. Real + pirates are not conceited. Real + pirates don't make mommy buy the blank + disks. Real pirates know how to spell. + Real pirates don't play Stickybear + ABC. Real pirates are not racists. + Real pirates do not hang out on + homo-sexual based bbs's. Real pirate + can find in their collection what they + know they have. Real pirates are not + in a hurry to collect all of the + Trillium shit. Real pirates have + alternate ways of copying Time Zone + other than by modem. Real pirates + don't turn a file into a full disk so + they can slap their tacky title page + on to it. + Real pirates don't join groups so + they can become well-known. Real + pirates don't need a reason to have + access to a certain board or bbs. Real + pirates do not brag to computer + illiterates that they can break into + banks, etc. now with their new modem + when they know they can't. Real + pirates don't waste their time and + money driving miles to see other + pirates. Real pirates do not brag of + their alcohol/drug use; sexual desire + and experiences; and or suicide + attempts. + Real pirates do not know how many + disks they have, and do not care to + hear the notion of how many disks that + another pirate has. Real pirates don't + make obnoxious noises, sounds, moans, + groans, and tones while on a + conference line. Real pirates don't + get other pirates in trouble. Real + pirates don't bill other pirates. + (Unless he/she/it has done the same to + you.) Real pirates don't spend their + life typing in text-files. (Which is + why this one is almost done.) Real + pirates do not have to read files like + this one, they know what they are + already. + And finally, Real Pirates are no + pirates at all; They don't kill for + their reputation...they earn it. +------------------------------------- + +Hope you are not offended by anything +writen in this text file, otherwise it +your cue to retire pirating, coz real +pirates are not offended by things +writen in text files. + +------------------------------------- + + + +X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X + + Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm) + + & the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845 + Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649 + Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766 + realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043 + Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102 + + Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives, + arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality, + insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS. + + Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are, + where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother. + + "Raw Data for Raw Nerves" + +X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/power.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/power.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..df803979 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/power.txt @@ -0,0 +1,152 @@ +THE POWER USER'S GUIDE TO POWER USERS + +Power Users never read their software manuals; instead they get +petty cash from their secretaries and use it to buy books which +contain the phrase "Power User" on the cover. They then keep the +receipt, to claim against tax. + +Software manufacturers write their manuals badly, and in computerese, +in order to con Power Users into buying the manual ("XYZ for the +Power User!") a second time. This extra revenue compensates the +manufacturers somewhat for all the people who pirate their software +and then buy Power User Guides to replace the manuals they never +had... + +Power Users never read their "Power User's Guide to ..." books, +for the same reason they didn't read the software manuals in the +first place. They do however skim the first two chapters, in which +they make copious annotations (e.g. underlining phrases like "to get +a directory listing, type 'DIR C: '. Note do not type the +word '', or the quotes.") + +Power Users get their companies to buy them 130MHz 80586 PS/4s with +100MB RAM and 5-gigabyte optical drives, which they bring home: + + - to run Lotus 1-2-3G spreadsheets, producing PostScript graphs + of their mortgage repayments; + + - to DTP stern memos forbidding their Real Programmers from using + unregistered shareware and PD utilities at work. For this task, + they get their computer upgraded with a 4096x4096, 12 billion colour + hyper-VGA video display, and the memo employs a minimum of seven + different fonts, plus bolding and italics, with at least five + revisions to correct spelling errors, and to order the Cc: list + in the most politically acceptable manner), and + + - to play pirate copies of Tetris and PC-Golf which they haven't + realised are infected with a virus. + +Power Users scold their children for referring to their machines as +personal computers. "It's NOT a PC, Jimmy, it's my Professional +Workstation, No Intergalactic Space Zombies for you tonight! Now, go +to your room!" + +Power Users get an identically equipped PC at work, so they can do +the work they would do at home, if only ten-year-old Jimmy would stop +playing Intergalactic Space Zombies for five consecutive minutes. The +money for this PC comes out of the Real Programmers' software tools +budget for the next three years. + +Having worked out their mortagage repayments for the next 100 years, +and having failed consistently to beat ten-year old Jimmy at +Intergalactic Space Zombies, Power Users never touch their computers +again; at work, they keep themselves occupied in meetings, so nobody +will see them staring blankly at their PC screen. Meanwhile, the Real +Programmers who work for them struggle by with aging IBM PCs (the +originals ones, with a grudgingly-added Tallgrass disk drives - +yuck!) + +Rather than read their "Real Users Guide to..." books, Power Users +turn to their ten-year-old kids for technical advice ("yes, Jimmy, +I understand that, but how do I get the directory on the _D_ drive?") + +Power Users get frustrated when they press the 'Print Screen' key and +nothing happens: they thump it a dozen times before realising they've +left the printer off-line. + +Power Users sneak their children in outside office hours to work out +why their spreadsheet figures don't add up and the Chairman's end-of- +quarter report is due tomorrow. + +In a strange twist of human psychology, the ten-year-old children of +Power Users think that when they grow up, they'll become Real +Programmers and make shit loads of money writing a game better than +Intergalactic Space Zombies. (Sadly, they end up chugging out +accounting software for Power Users.) + +Power Users could master any PC application, if only they could figure +out how to start it ("Uhhhm, it must be on this menu somewhere..".) + +Power Users attend innumerable Power User courses, where they get a +set of loose-leaf binders of notes they never read (but whose titles +in genuine imitation gold leaf look impressive beside the "Power +User's Guide to..." books which now accumulate a thick layer of dust +on the shelf). They also drink a lot, and commiserate with each other +how their Real Programmer subordinates are a bunch of overpaid, +long-haired layabouts who can't be coerced into wearing shirts and +ties, never mind a suit; and of course to swap Power Techniques like +how to format a 360k disk in a 1.2MB drive and thus get more than 360k +of data onto it ("I'll have my secretary call IBM Technical Support +about all the bad sector things I'm getting on this disk.") + +Power Users carry a pocket calculator for working out the cell values +in their Lotus spreadsheets ("Um, I guess I didn't get to the section +on formulas yet in my 'Power Users Guide to Lotus 1-2-3'".) + +Power Users think "Your computer is stoned" is part of the DOS copyright +banner. + +The ten-year-old children Power Users mischievously stick pieces of +cheese into every crevice of their parent's mouse, not realising that +this causes testicular problems later in life (for the MOUSE, twit!). + +Power Users don't think that last joke was funny. + +Power Users get their secretaries to call IBM Technical Support to fix +their defective mouse, because they're too embarassed to asked any of +their Real Programmer subordinates how to open it to remove the cheese. + +When nobody is looking, Power Users pretend their mouse is a toy car, +and race it around the desk. + +Power Users keep a large box of tissues on their desk to wipe the +saliva off the screen after playing Test Drive (BRRRRRM! BRRRRRM!) + +Power Users can't figure out how to make their modems stop auto-answering, +so they alway lunge on their phone when it rings in an effort to beat it. +They're never fast enough, and spend the first 30 seconds of the +conversation apologising, while the modem auto-ranges, and they +earnestly promise that they'll have their secretary call IBM Technical +Support to have the problem rectified. + +Power Users panic when they lose those dumb keyboard templates that +come with programs like Turd Perfect (which are too brain-dead to have +a decent user interface). They invariably mix up the templates when +switching between programs. + +Power Users have problems with Windows, when they have two or more +applications running, but room for only one keyboard template. + +Power Users buy those dumb mice that have a nearly full ASCII keyboard +built-in to them ("Swiss Army Mouse (tm)"). + +Power Users believe computer salesmen. + +Power Users will buy ANY program that makes wild promises on the box +about increasing productivity. These boxes always look impressive on +the bookshelf, beside the "Power User" books and course notes. + +Power Users use MicroJerk ProjectMeister to schedule their wife's +pregnancy, and get confused when they can't work out how to assign +tasks and set milestones. They try to persuade the obstetrician to +induce labour when she's late. + +Power Users unreservedly believe their MicroJerk ProjectMeister when +it says the project will be complete at 5pm on the last Friday in +September next year, but eighteen months later, they won't believe the +Real Programmer who says it'll be done "Real Soon Now (tm)". + +Power Users believe the ads for 4GLs and Application Generator +packages, and think that in two weeks they'll be able to fire all +their Real Programmers. (Ha ha ha... remember "The Last One"?) + diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pyros.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pyros.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5f4ccb8f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pyros.hum @@ -0,0 +1,117 @@ + +Uploaded By: THE LOCKSMITH + + + a //////\/\\\\\\ + ////// \\\\\\ + ////// \\\\\\egaDeath presentation... + +******************************************************************************* +* * +*-----------------------------The Real Pyros Guide----------------------------* +* * +* Written by The Locksmith * +* Thanx to The Fixer and The Bestest * +* * +* a MegaDeath Inc. production * +* Copywrong (x) 1987 * +* * +******************************************************************************* + +The Pipeline.....................................................(604) 479-2905 +Heart of Gold....................................................(604) 658-1581 + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Well, we here at MegaDeath Inc. feel that there would be more pyros in the +world if they had a guide to being a REAL pyro. Anyways, here we go... + +Real pyros blow things up just for the fun of it. + +Real pyros get A's in science. + +Real pyros always take revenge on their enemies. + +Real pyros always have some kind of explosive on them. + +Real pyros get good grades because they threaten their teachers. + +Real pyros like the Avon Lady because they can give her a rough time. + +Real pyros would never be caught dead working on a TRS-80 or other lesser +machine. + +Real pyros never stay home on a Friday or Saturday night. + +Real pyros are creating havoc on those nights. + +Real pyros love Halloween. + +Real pyros love their moms but wouldn't hesitate to blow her up if necessary. + +Real pyros don't show mercy. + +Real pyros have been thrown out of atleast one school. + +Real pyros have destroyed atleast one car or other equivelent. + +Real pyros have almost blown themselves up trying to make "THE BETTER BOMB". + +Real pyros have no TRUE friends (heh heh). + +Real pyros love hate. + +Real pyros can not be defined as "normal". + +Real pyros are pyros. + +Real pyros love Russia and other communist coutries. + +Real pyros listen to the news to see who is winning between Iraq and Iran. + +Real pyros would not hesitate to severly injure someone for their own profit. + +Real pyros hang aroud other real pyros. + +Real pyros never "stand on guard for thee" when applying to the national +anthem. + +Real pyros like living dangerously. + +Real pyros watch horror movies. + +Real pyros like to give their grandmas heart attacks. + +Real pyros like hurting the girl when having sex. + +Real pyros idolize Hitler. + +Real pyros don't screw hookers, but rather blow them up. + +Real pyros don't rape girls, but just tell them kindly that if they do not +remove their clothes they will blown up. + +Real pyros never watch movies like ON GOLDEN POND or ORDINARY PEOPLE, but +rather movies like NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and FRIDAY THE 13th series. + +Real pyros wished their parents had named them Jason. + +Real pyros don't buy fireworks, they sell them. + +Real pyros hate cops or other lawful groups. + +Real pyros shoplift for the thrill of it. + +Real pyros really know that Gorbechov is really a nice guy at heart. + + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Well, that is it for now, prepare yourself, for number ][ is coming soon... + +This has been a MegaDeath Inc. presentation. Finished on 02/13/87. + +The Locksmith and The Fixer and everyone else here at MegaDeath Inc. would like +to thank all the nice victims who helped us with this file. We take all +responsability for what happens to you if you follow this guide. + diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/quiche.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/quiche.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d21a7d50 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/quiche.txt @@ -0,0 +1,87 @@ +Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche + +Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and +palate-scorching Szechwan food. + +Real Programmers don't write application programs, they program right +down on the bare metal. Application programming is for dullards who +can't do system programming. + +Real Programmers don`t write specs. Users should be grateful for +whatever they get; they are lucky to get any programs at all. + +Real Programmers don't comment their code. If if was hard to write +it should be hard to understand and harder to modify. + +Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who +can't read listings or the object code. + +Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are (after all) +the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look +how much it did for them. + +Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the +hallmark of the novice and the coward. + +Real Programmers don`t write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits +who maintain ancient payroll programs. + +Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business +Oriented Laymen who can't run a business nor a real program. + +Real Programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for wimp +engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state +analysis and nuclear reactor simulation. + +Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal +retentives who can't choose between COBOL and Fortran. + +Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in +BASIC after reaching puberty. + +Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be +written on one line. + +Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain +more parenthesis than actual code. + +Real Programmers don't program in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those +other sissy computer sicence languages. Strong typing is a crutch for +people with weak memories. + +Real Programmers don't use any of those namby-pamby screen editors. +Instead, Real Programmers edit with DISKZAP. + +Real Programmers programs never work right the first time. But if +you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order +in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. + +Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are +around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night. + +Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires +a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers +wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring +up in the middle of the office. + +Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming +is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. +They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an +otherwise clear desk. + +Real Programmers don't like the Team Programming concept. Unless of +course, they are the Chief Programmer. + +Real Programmers never "write" memos. They "send" memos via the network. + +Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary +evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, +senior planners, and other mental defectives. + +Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point +was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big". + +Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, +Lincolns, or pickup trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are +highly regarded. + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real.pro b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real.pro new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3892725c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real.pro @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ +Editor's Note: This article is written in UPPER case so that it + will not be taken lightly. + + REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T EAT QUICHE + --------------------------------- +RP DON'T EAT QUICHE. IN FACT, RP DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL QUICHE. +THEY EAT TWINKIES AND SZECHWAN FOOD. +REAL PROGRAMMERS (RP) DON'T WRITE SPECS -- USERS SHOULD CONSIDER +THEMSELVES LUCKY TO GET ANY PROGRAMS AT ALL AND TAKE WHAT THEY GET. +RP DON'T COMMENT THEIR CODE. IF IT IS HARD TO WRITE, IT SHOULD BE HARD +TO UNDERSTAND. +RP DON'T WRITE APPLICATIONS PROGRAMS; THEY PROGRAM RIGHT DOWN TO THE +BARE METAL. APPLICATIONS PROGRAMMING IS FOR DWEEBS WHO CAN'T DO +SYSTEMS PROGRAMMING. +RP DON'T WRITE IN COBOL. COBOL IS FOR WIMPY APPLICATIONS PROGRAMMERS. +RP' PROGRAMS NEVER WORK RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. BUT IF YOU THROW THEM ON +THE MACHINE THEY CAN BE PATCHED INTO WORKING IN "ONLY A FEW" 30-HOUR +DEBUGGING SESSIONS. +RP DON'T WRITE IN FORTRAN. FORTRAN IS FOR PIPE-STRESS FREAKS AND +CRYSTALLOGRAPHY WEENIES. +RP NEVER WORK 9-5. IF ANY RP ARE EVEN AROUND AT 9AM, THEY WERE UP +ALL NIGHT. +RP NEVER WRITE IN BASIC. ACTUALLY, NO PROGRAMMERS EVER WRITE IN BASIC +AFTER THE AGE OF 12. +RP DON'T WRITE IN PL/1. PL/1 IS FOR PROGRAMMERS THAT CAN'T DECIDE +BETWEEN COBOL AND FORTRAN. +RP DON'T PLAY TENNIS, OR ANY OTHER SPORT THAT REQUIRES YOU TO CHANGE +CLOTHES. MOUNTAIN CLIMBING IS OK, AND RP WEAR THEIR CLIMBING BOOTS +TO WORK IN CASE A MOUNTAIN SUDDENLY SPRINGS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE +MACHINE ROOM. +RP DON'T WRITE IN PASCAL, OR BLISS, OR ADA, OR ANY OF THOSE PINKO +COMPUTER SCIENCE LANGUAGES. STRONGB TYPING IS FOR PEOPLE WITH WEAK +MINDS. +RP DON'T DOCUMENT. DOCUMENTATION IS FOR SIMPS WHO CAN'T READ THE +LISTINGS OR THE OBJECT DECK. + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_p.rog b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_p.rog new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0921702b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_p.rog @@ -0,0 +1,563 @@ + Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal + + Ed Post + Tektronix + + Back in the good old days--the "Golden Era" of +computers--it was easy to separate the men from the boys +(sometimes called "Real Men" and "Quiche Eaters" in the +literature). During this period, the Real Men were the ones +that understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters +were the ones that didn't. A real computer programmer said +things like "DO 10 I=1,10" and "ABEND" (they actually talked +in capital letters, you understand), and the rest of the +world said things like "computers are too complicated for +me" and "I can't relate to computers--they're so +impersonal". A previous work [1] points out that Real Men +don't "relate" to anything, and aren't afraid of being +impersonal. + + But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a +world in which little old ladies can get computers in their +microwave ovens, 12-year-old kids can blow Real Men out of +the water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and anyone can buy +and even understand their very own Personal Computer. The +Real Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of being +replaced by high-school students with TRASH-80's. + + There is a clear need to point out the differences +between the typical high-school junior Pac-Man player and a +Real Programmer. If this difference is made clear, it will +give these kids something to aspire to--a role model, a +father figure. It will also help explain to the employers +of Real Programmers why it would be a mistake to replace the +Real Programmers on their staff with 12-year-old Pac-Man +players (at a considerable salary savings). + + + LANGUAGES + --------- + + The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the +crowd is by the programming language he (or she) uses. Real +Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. +Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, gave a talk once at +which he was asked "How do you pronounce your name?". He +replied, "You can call me by name, pronouncing it 'Virt', or +call be by value, 'Worth'." One can tell immediately from +this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater. The +only parameter-passing mechanism endorsed by Real +Programmers is call-by-value-return, as implemented in the +IBM/370 FORTRAN-G and like compilers. Real programmers +don't need all these abstract concepts to get their jobs +done; they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN +IV compiler, and a beer. + + * Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN. + + * Real Programmers do string manipulation in FORTRAN. + + * Real Programmers do acounting (if they do it at + all) in FORTRAN. + + * Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence + programs in FORTRAN. + + + If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in Assembly +language. If you can't do it in Assembly, it isn't worth +doing. + + + + STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING + ---------------------- + + The academics in computer science have gotten into the +"structured programming" rut over the past several years. +They claim that programs are more easily understood if the +programmer uses some special language constructs and +techniques. They don't all agree on exactly which +constructs, of course, and the examples they use to show +their particular point of view invariably fit on a single +page of some obscure journal or another--clearly not enough +of an example to convince anyone. When I got out of school, +I thought I was the best programmer in the world. I could +write an unbeatable tic-tac-toe program, use five different +computer languages, and create 1000-line programs that +WORKED. (Really!) Then I got out into the Real World. My +first task in the Real World was to read and understand a +200,000-line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a factor +of two. Any Real Programmer will tell you that all the +Structured Coding in the world won't help you solve a +problem like that--it takes actual talent. Some quick +observations on Real Programmers and Structured Programming: + + * Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's. + + * Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops + without getting confused. + + * Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements-- + they make the code more interesting. + + * Real Programmers write self-modifying code, + especially if they can save 20 nanoseconds in the + middle of a tight loop. + + * Real Programmers don't need comments--the code is + obvious. + + * Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, + REPEAT...UNTIL, or CASE statement, Real Programmers + don't have to worry about not using them. Besides, + they can be simulated when necessary using assigned + GOTO's. + + + Data Structures have also gotten a lot of press lately. +Abstract Data Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and +Strings have become popular in certain circles. Wirth (the +above-mentioned Quiche Eater) actually wrote an entire book +[2] contending that you could write a program based on data +structures, instead of the other way around. As all Real +Programmers know, the only useful data structure is the +Array. Strings, lists, structures, sets--these are all +special cases of arrays and can be treated that way just as +easily without messing up your programming language with all +sorts of complications. The worst thing about fancy data +types is that you have to declare them, and Real Programming +Languages, as we all know, have implicit typing based on the +first letter of the (six character) variable name. + + + OPERATING SYSTEMS + ----------------- + + What kind of operating system is used by a Real +Programmer? CP/M? God forbid--CP/M, after all, is +basically a toy operating system. Even little old ladies +and grade school students can understand and use CP/M. + + Unix is a lot more complicated of course--the typical +Unix hacker never can remember what the PRINT command is +called this week--but when it gets right down to it, Unix is +a glorified video game. People don't do Serious Work on +Unix systems: they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net +and write adventure games and research papers. + + No, your Real Programmer uses OS\370. A good +programmer can find and understand the description of the +IJK305I error he just got in his JCL manual. A great +programmer can write JCL without referring to the manual at +all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs buried in +a six-megabyte core dump without using a hex calculator. (I +have actually seen this done.) + + OS is a truly remarkable operating system. It's +possible to destroy days of work with a single misplaced +space, so alertness in the programming staff is encouraged. +The best way to approach the system is through a keypunch. +Some people claim there is a Timesharing System that runs on +OS\370, but after careful study I have come to the +conclusion that they were mistaken. + + + PROGRAMMING TOOLS + ---------------- + + What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In +theory, a Real Programmer could run his programs by keying +them into the front panel of the computer. Back in the days +when computers had front panels, this was actually done +occasionally. Your typical Real Programmer knew the entire +bootstrap loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in +whenever it got destroyed by his program. (Back then, +memory was memory--it didn't go away when the power went +off. Today, memory either forgets things when you don't +want it to, or remembers things long after they're better +forgotten.) Legend has it that Seymore Cray, inventor of the +Cray I supercomputer and most of Control Data's computers, +actually toggled the first operating system for the CDC7600 +in on the front panel from memory when it was first powered +on. Seymore, needless to say, is a Real Programmer. + + One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems +programmer for Texas Instruments. One day he got a long- +distance call from a user whose system had crashed in the +middle of saving some important work. Jim was able to +repair the damage over the phone, getting the user to toggle +in disk I/O instructions at the front panel, repairing +system tables in hex, reading register contents back over +the phone. The moral of this story: while a Real +Programmer usually includes a keypunch and lineprinter in +his toolkit, he can get along with just a front panel and a +telephone in emergencies. + + In some companies, text editing no longer consists of +ten engineers standing in line to use an 029 keypunch. In +fact, the building I work in doesn't contain a single +keypunch. The Real Programmer in this situation has to do +his work with a "text editor" program. Most systems supply +several text editors to select from, and the Real Programmer +must be careful to pick one that reflects his personal +style. Many people believe that the best text editors in +the world were written at Xerox Palo Alto Research Center +for use on their Alto and Dorado computers [3]. +Unfortunately, no Real Programmer would ever use a computer +whose operating system is called SmallTalk, and would +certainly not talk to the computer with a mouse. + + Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been +incorporated into editors running on more reasonably named +operating systems--EMACS and VI being two. The problem with +these editors is that Real Programmers consider "what you +see is what you get" to be just as bad a concept in Text +Editors as it is in women. No the Real Programmer wants a +"you asked for it, you got it" text editor--complicated, +cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. TECO, to be +precise. + + It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more +closely resembles transmission line noise than readable text +[4]. One of the more entertaining games to play with TECO +is to type your name in as a command line and try to guess +what it does. Just about any possible typing error while +talking with TECO will probably destroy your program--or +even worse, introduce subtle and mysterious bugs in a once +working subroutine. + + For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to +actually edit a program that is close to working. They find +it much easier to just patch the binary object code +directly, using a wonderful program called SUPERZAP (or its +equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so well that +many working programs on IBM systems bear no relation to the +original FORTRAN code. In many cases, the original source +code is no longer available. When it comes time to fix a +program like this, no manager would even think of sending +anything less than a Real Programmer to do the job--no +Quiche Eating structured programmer would even know where to +start. This is called "job security". + + Some programming tools NOT used by Real Programmers: + + * FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. The + Cuisinarts of programming--great for making Quiche. + See comments above on structured programming. + + * Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can + read core dumps. + + * Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle + creativity, destroy most of the interesting uses + for EQUIVALENCE, and make it impossible to modify + the operating system code with negative subscripts. + Worst of all, bounds checking is inefficient. + + * Source code maintenance systems. A Real Programmer + keeps his code locked up in a card file, because it + implies that its owner cannot leave his important + programs unguarded [5]. + + + + THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK + --------------------------- + + Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind +of programs are worthy of the efforts of so talented an +individual? You can be sure that no Real Programmer would +be caught dead writing accounts-receivable programs in +COBOL, or sorting mailing lists for People magazine. A Real +Programmer wants tasks of earth-shaking importance +(literally!). + + * Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National + Laboratory, writing atomic bomb simulations to run + on Cray I supercomputers. + + * Real Programmers work for the National Security + Agency, decoding Russian transmissions. + + * It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of + Real Programmers working for NASA that our boys got + to the moon and back before the Russkies. + + * Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing + the operating systems for cruise missiles. + + + Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work +at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of +them know the entire operating system of the Pioneer and +Voyager spacecraft by heart. With a combination of large +ground-based FORTRAN programs and small spacecraft-based +assembly language programs, they are able to do incredible +feats of navigation and improvisation--hitting ten- +kilometer-wide windows at Saturn after six years in space, +repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and +batteries. Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a +pattern-matching program into a few hundred bytes of unused +memory in a Voyager spacecraft that searched for, located, +and photographed a new moon of Jupiter. + + The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a +gravity assist trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter. +This trajectory passes within 80 +/-3 kilometers of the +surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a PASCAL program +(or a PASCAL programmer) for navigation to these tolerances. + + As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers +work for the U.S. Government--mainly the Defense +Department. This is as it should be. Recently, however, a +black cloud has formed on the Real Programmer horizon. It +seems that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense +Department decided that all defense programs should be +written in some grand unified language called "ADA". For a +while, it seemed that ADA was destined to become a language +that went against all the precepts of Real Programming--a +language with structure, a language with data types, strong +typing, and semicolons. In short, a language designed to +cripple the creativity of the typical Real Programmer. +Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD has enough +interesting features to make it approachable--it's +incredibly complex, includes methods for messing with the +operating system and rearranging memory, and Edsgar Dijkstra +doesn't like it [6]. (Dijkstra, as I;m sure you know, was +the author of "GoTos Considered Harmful"--a landmark work in +programming methodology, applauded by PASCAL programmers and +Quiche Eaters alike.) Besides, the determined Real +Programmer can write FORTRAN programs in any language. + + The Real Programmer might compromise his principles and +work on something slightly more trivial than the destruction +of life as we know it, providing there's enough money in it. +There are several Real Programmers building video games at +Atari, for example. (But not playing them--a Real +Programmer knows how to beat the machine every time: no +challenge in that.) Everyone working at LucasFilm is a Real +Programmer. (It would be crazy to turn down the money of +fifty million Star Trek fans.) The proportion of Real +Programmers in Computer Graphics is somewhat lower than the +norm, mostly because nobody has found a use for computer +graphics yet. On the other hand, all computer graphics is +done in FORTRAN, {so there are a fair number of people doing +graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs. + + + THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY + --------------------------- + + Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he +works--with computers. He is constantly amazed that his +employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for +fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this +opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does +step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer +or two. Some tips on recognizing Real Programmers away from +the computer room: + + * At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in + the corner talking about operating system security + and how to get around it. + + * At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one + comparing the plays against his simulations printed + on 11x14 fanfold paper. + + * At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one + drawing flowcharts in the sand. + + * At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying + "Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine + working before the coronary." + + * In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one + who insists on running the cans past the laser + checkout himself, because he never could trust + keypunch operators to get it right the first time. + + + + THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT + ------------------------------------- + + What sort of environment does the Real Programmer +function best in? This is an important question for the +managers of Real Programmers. Considering the amount of +money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put +him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work +done. + + The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a +computer terminal. Surrounding this terminal are: + + * Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has + ever worked on, piled in roughly chronological + order on every flat surface in the office. + + * Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold + coffee. Occasionally, there will be cigarette + butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the + cups will contain Orange Crush. + + * Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the + OS JCL manual and the Principles of Operation open + to some particularly interesting pages. + + * Taped to the wall is a lineprinter Snoopy calendar + of the year 1969. + + * Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for + peanut butter filled cheese bars--the type that are + made pre-stale at the bakery so they can't get any + worse while waiting in the vending machine. + + * Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a + stash of double-stuffed Oreos for special + occasions. + + * Underneath the Oreos is a flowcharting template, + left there by the previous occupant of the office. + (Real Programmers write programs, not + documentation. Leave that to the maintenance + people.) + + + The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even +50 hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he +prefers it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the +Real Programmer--it gives him a chance to catch a little +sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule +pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things +more challenging by working on the small but interesting +part of the problem for the first nine weeks, then finishing +the rest in the last week, in two or three 50-hour +marathons. This not only impresses the hell out of his +manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project done +on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the +documentation. In general: + + * No Real Programmer works 9 to 5 (unless it's the + ones at night). + + * Real Programmers don't wear neckties. + + * Real Programmers don't wear high-heeled shoes. + + * Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch + [9]. + + * Real Programmers might or might not know their + spouse's name. They do, however, know the entire + ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table. + + * Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery + stores aren't open at three in the morning. Real + Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee. + + + + THE FUTURE + ---------- + + What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to +Real Programmers that the latest generation of computer +programmers are not being brought up with the same outlook +on life as their elders. many of them have never seen a +computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from +school these days can do hex arithmetic without a +calculator. College graduates these days are soft-- +protected from the realities of programming by source-level +debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and "user +friendly" operating systems. Worst of all, some of these +alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees without +ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an +industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL programmers? + + From my experience, I can only report that the future +is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS\370 +nor FORTRAN show any signs of dying out, despite all the +efforts of PASCAL programmers the world over. Even more +subtle tricks, like adding structured coding constructs to +FORTRAN have failed. Oh sure, some computer vendors have +come out with FORTRAN 77 compilers, but every one of them +has a way of converting itself back into a FORTRAN 66 +compiler at the drop of an option card--to compile DO loops +as God meant them to be. + + Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it +once was. The latest release of Unix has the potential of +an operating system worthy of any Real Programmer--two +different and subtly incompatible user interfaces, an arcane +and complicated teletype driver, and virtual memory. If you +ignore the fact that it's "structured", even 'C' programming +can be appreciated by the Real Programmer: after all, +there's no type checking, variable names are seven (ten? +eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer +data type is thrown in--like having the best parts of +FORTRAN and assembly language in one place (not to mention +some of the more creative uses for #DEFINE). + + No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the past +few years, the popular press has even commented on the +bright new crop of computer nerds and hackers ([7] and [8]) +leaving places like Stanford and M.I.T. for the Real World. +From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on +in these young men and women. As long as there are ill- +defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, +there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve +The Problem, saving the documentation for later. Long live +FORTRAN! + + + ACKNOWLEGEMENT + -------------- + + I would like to thank Jan E., Dave S., Rich G., Rich +E., for their help in characterizing the Real Programmer, +Kathy E. for putting up with it, and atd!avsdS:mark for the +initial inspiration. + + [DEC hacker note: this came from a paper that surfaced +in Bedford, unsigned. The author apparently is a Unix +hacker (note the node name). Does anyone know where this +came from?] + + + REFERENCES + ---------- + + [1] Feirstein, B., "Real Men don't Eat Quiche", New + York, Pocket Books, 1982. + + [2] Wirth, N., "Algorithms + Data Structures = + Programs", Prentice Hall, 1976. + + [3] Ilson, R., "Recent Research in Text Processing", + IEEE Trans. Prof. Commun., Vol. PC-23, No. 4, + Dec. 4, 1980. + + [4] Finseth, C., "Theory and Practice of Text Editors-- + or--a Cookbook for an EMACS", B.S. Thesis, + MIT/LCS/PM-165, Massachusetts Institute of + Technology, May 1980. + + [5] Weinberg, G., "The Psychology of Computer + Programming", New York, Van Nostrand Reinhold, + 1971, p. 110. + + [6] Dijkstra, E., "On the GREEN language submitted to + the DoD", Sigplan notices, Vol. 3 No. 10, Oct + 1978. + + [7] Rose, Frank, "Joy of Hacking", Science 82, Vol. 3 + No. 9, Nov 82, pp. 58-66. + + [8] "The Hacker Papers", Psychology Today, August 1980. + + [9] sdcarl!lin, "Real Programmers", UUCP-net, Thu Oct + 21 16:55:16 1982 + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_pro.pas b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_pro.pas new file mode 100644 index 00000000..71681d3c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_pro.pas @@ -0,0 +1,556 @@ + March 24, 1983 + + Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL + Ed Post + Tektronix, Inc. + P.O. Box 1000 m/s 63-205 + Wilsonville, OR 97070 + Copyright (c) 1982 +(decvax | ucbvax | cbosg | pur-ee | lbl-unix)!teklabs!iddic!evp + + Back in the good old days -- the "Golden Era" of com- +puters, it was easy to separate the men from the boys (some- +times called "Real Men" and "Quiche Eaters" in the litera- +ture). During this period, the Real Men were the ones that +understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters were +the ones that didn't. A real computer programmer said things +like "DO 10 I=1,10" and "ABEND" (they actually talked in +capital letters, you understand), and the rest of the world +said things like "computers are too complicated for me" and +"I can't relate to computers -- they're so impersonal". (A +previous work [1] points out that Real Men don't "relate" to +anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal.) + + But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a +world in which little old ladies can get computers in their +microwave ovens, 12 year old kids can blow Real Men out of +the water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and anyone can buy +and even understand their very own Personal Computer. The +Real Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of being +replaced by high-school students with TRASH-80s. + + There is a clear need to point out the differences +between the typical high-school junior Pac-Man player and a +Real Programmer. If this difference is made clear, it will +give these kids something to aspire to -- a role model, a +Father Figure. It will also help explain to the employers of +Real Programmers why it would be a mistake to replace the +Real Programmers on their staff with 12 year old Pac-Man +players (at a considerable salary savings). + + LANGUAGES + --------- + + + The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the +crowd is by the programming language he (or she) uses. Real +Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus +Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, gave a talk once at which he +was asked "How do you pronounce your name?". He replied, +"You can either call me by name, pronouncing it 'Veert', or +call me by value, 'Worth'." One can tell immediately from +this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater. The only +parameter passing mechanism endorsed by Real Programmers is +call-by-value-return, as implemented in the IBM/370 FORTRAN +G and H compilers. Real programmers don't need all these +abstract concepts to get their jobs done -- they are +perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV compiler, and +a beer. + +* Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN. + +* Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN. + +* Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) + in FORTRAN. + +* Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in + FORTRAN. + +If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. +If you can't do it in assembly language, it isn't worth +doing. + + STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING + ---------- ----------- + + + The academics in computer science have gotten into the +"structured programming" rut over the past several years. +They claim that programs are more easily understood if the +programmer uses some special language constructs and tech- +niques. They don't all agree on exactly which constructs, of +course, and the examples they use to show their particular +point of view invariably fit on a single page of some +obscure journal or another -- clearly not enough of an exam- +ple to convince anyone. When I got out of school, I thought +I was the best programmer in the world. I could write an +unbeatable tic-tac-toe program, use five different computer +languages, and create 1000 line programs that WORKED. +(Really!) Then I got out into the Real World. My first task +in the Real World was to read and understand a 200,000 line +FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a factor of two. Any +Real Programmer will tell you that all the Structured Coding +in the world won't help you solve a problem like that -- it +takes actual talent. Some quick observations on Real Pro- +grammers and Structured Programming: + +* Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTOs. + +* Real Programmers can write five page long DO loops + without getting confused. + +* Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements -- they + make the code more interesting. + +* Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially + if they can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a + tight loop. + +* Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is + obvious. + +* Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT ... + UNTIL, or CASE statement, Real Programmers don't have + to worry about not using them. Besides, they can be + simulated when necessary using assigned GOTOs. + + + Data structures have also gotten a lot of press lately. +Abstract Data Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and +Strings have become popular in certain circles. Wirth (the +above-mentioned Quiche Eater) actually wrote an entire book +[2] contending that you could write a program based on data +structures, instead of the other way around. As all Real +Programmers know, the only useful data structure is the +Array. Strings, Lists, Structures, Sets -- these are all +special cases of arrays and can be treated that way just as +easily without messing up your programing language with all +sorts of complications. The worst thing about fancy data +types is that you have to declare them, and Real Programming +Languages, as we all know, have implicit typing based on the +first letter of the (six character) variable name. + + OPERATING SYSTEMS + --------- ------- + + + What kind of operating system is used by a Real Pro- +grammer? CP/M? God forbid -- CP/M, after all, is basically +a toy operating system. Even little old ladies and grade +school students can understand and use CP/M. + + Unix is a lot more complicated of course -- the typical +Unix hacker never can remember what the PRINT command is +called this week -- but when it gets right down to it, Unix +is a glorified video game. People don't do Serious Work on +Unix systems: they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net +and write adventure games and research papers. + + No, your Real Programmer uses OS/370. A good programmer +can find and understand the description of the IJK305I error +he just got in his JCL manual. A great programmer can write +JCL without referring to the manual at all. A truly out- +standing programmer can find bugs buried in a 6 megabyte +core dump without using a hex calculator. (I have actually +seen this done.) + + OS is a truly remarkable operating system. It's possi- +ble to destroy days of work with a single misplaced space, +so alertness in the programming staff is encouraged. The +best way to approach the system is through a keypunch. Some +people claim there is a Time Sharing system that runs on +OS/370, but after careful study I have come to the +conclusion that they were mistaken. + + PROGRAMMING TOOLS + ----------- ----- + + + What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In +theory, a Real Programmer could run his programs by keying +them into the front panel of the computer. Back in the days +when computers had front panels, this was actually done +occasionally. Your typical Real Programmer knew the entire +bootstrap loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in when- +ever it got destroyed by his program. (Back then, memory was +memory -- it didn't go away when the power went off. Today, +memory either forgets things when you don't want it to, or +remembers things long after they're better forgotten.) +Legend has it that Seymour Cray, inventor of the Cray I +supercomputer and most of Control Data's computers, actually +toggled the first operating system for the CDC7600 in on the +front panel from memory when it was first powered on. Sey- +mour, needless to say, is a Real Programmer. + + One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems pro- +grammer for Texas Instruments. One day, he got a long dis- +tance call from a user whose system had crashed in the mid- +dle of saving some important work. Jim was able to repair +the damage over the phone, getting the user to toggle in +disk I/O instructions at the front panel, repairing system +tables in hex, reading register contents back over the +phone. The moral of this story: while a Real Programmer usu- +ally includes a keypunch and lineprinter in his toolkit, he +can get along with just a front panel and a telephone in +emergencies. + + In some companies, text editing no longer consists of +ten engineers standing in line to use an 029 keypunch. In +fact, the building I work in doesn't contain a single +keypunch. The Real Programmer in this situation has to do +his work with a "text editor" program. Most systems supply +several text editors to select from, and the Real Programmer +must be careful to pick one that reflects his personal +style. Many people believe that the best text editors in the +world were written at Xerox Palo Alto Research Center for +use on their Alto and Dorado computers [3]. Unfortunately, +no Real Programmer would ever use a computer whose operating +system is called SmallTalk, and would certainly not talk to +the computer with a mouse. + + Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been +incorporated into editors running on more reasonably named +operating systems -- EMACS and VI being two. The problem +with these editors is that Real Programmers consider "what +you see is what you get" to be just as bad a concept in Text +Editors as it is in Women. No, the Real Programmer wants a +"you asked for it, you got it" text editor -- complicated, +cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. TECO, to be pre- +cise. + + It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more +closely resembles transmission line noise than readable text +[4]. One of the more entertaining games to play with TECO is +to type your name in as a command line and try to guess what +it does. Just about any possible typing error while talking +with TECO will probably destroy your program, or even worse +-- introduce subtle and mysterious bugs in a once working +subroutine. + + For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to +actually edit a program that is close to working. They find +it much easier to just patch the binary object code +directly, using a wonderful program called SUPERZAP (or its +equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so well that +many working programs on IBM systems bear no relation to the +original FORTRAN code. In many cases, the original source +code is no longer available. When it comes time to fix a +program like this, no manager would even think of sending +anything less than a Real Programmer to do the job -- no +Quiche Eating structured programmer would even know where to +start. This is called "job security". Some programming +tools NOT used by Real Programmers: + +* FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. The + Cuisinarts of programming -- great for making Quiche. + See comments above on structured programming. + +* Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read + core dumps. + +* Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle + creativity, destroy most of the interesting uses for + EQUIVALENCE, and make it impossible to modify the + operating system code with negative subscripts. Worst + of all, bounds checking is inefficient. + +* Source code maintainance systems. A Real Programmer + keeps his code locked up in a card file, because it + implies that its owner cannot leave his important pro- + grams unguarded [5]. + + + THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK + --- ---- ---------- -- ---- + + + Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind +of programs are worthy of the efforts of so talented an +individual? You can be sure that no real Programmer would be +caught dead writing accounts-receivable programs in COBOL, +or sorting mailing lists for People magazine. A Real Pro- +grammer wants tasks of earth-shaking importance +(literally!). + +* Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Labora- + tory, writing atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray I + supercomputers. + +* Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, + decoding Russian transmissions. + +* It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real + Programmers working for NASA that our boys got to the + moon and back before the Russkies. + +* The computers in the Space Shuttle were programmed by + Real Programmers. + +* Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the + operating systems for cruise missiles. + + + Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work +at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of them +know the entire operating system of the Pioneer and Voyager +spacecraft by heart. With a combination of large ground- +based FORTRAN programs and small spacecraft-based assembly +language programs, they are able to do incredible feats of +navigation and improvisation -- hitting ten-kilometer wide +windows at Saturn after six years in space, repairing or +bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and batteries. +Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a pattern- +matching program into a few hundred bytes of unused memory +in a Voyager spacecraft that searched for, located, and pho- +tographed a new moon of Jupiter. + + The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a +gravity assist trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter. +This trajectory passes within 80 +/- 3 kilometers of the +surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a PASCAL program +(or PASCAL programmer) for navigation to these tolerances. + + As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers +work for the U.S. Government -- mainly the Defense Depart- +ment. This is as it should be. Recently, however, a black +cloud has formed on the Real Programmer horizon. It seems +that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense Depart- +ment decided that all Defense programs should be written in +some grand unified language called "ADA" ((r), DoD). For a +while, it seemed that ADA was destined to become a language +that went against all the precepts of Real Programming -- a +language with structure, a language with data types, strong +typing, and semicolons. In short, a language designed to +cripple the creativity of the typical Real Programmer. +Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD has enough +interesting features to make it approachable -- it's incred- +ibly complex, includes methods for messing with the operat- +ing system and rearranging memory, and Edsgar Dijkstra +doesn't like it [6]. (Dijkstra, as I'm sure you know, was +the author of "GoTos Considered Harmful" -- a landmark work +in programming methodology, applauded by Pascal Programmers +and Quiche Eaters alike.) Besides, the determined Real Pro- +grammer can write FORTRAN programs in any language. + + The real programmer might compromise his principles and +work on something slightly more trivial than the destruction +of life as we know it, providing there's enough money in it. +There are several Real Programmers building video games at +Atari, for example. (But not playing them -- a Real Program- +mer knows how to beat the machine every time: no challange +in that.) Everyone working at LucasFilm is a Real Program- +mer. (It would be crazy to turn down the money of fifty mil- +lion Star Trek fans.) The proportion of Real Programmers in +Computer Graphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mostly +because nobody has found a use for Computer Graphics yet. On +the other hand, all Computer Graphics is done in FORTRAN, so +there are a fair number people doing Graphics in order to +avoid having to write COBOL programs. + + THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY + --- ---- ---------- -- ---- + + + Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he +works -- with computers. He is constantly amazed that his +employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for +fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this opin- +ion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step +out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or +two. Some tips on recognizing real programmers away from the +computer room: + +* At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the + corner talking about operating system security and how + to get around it. + +* At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one com- + paring the plays against his simulations printed on 11 + by 14 fanfold paper. + +* At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing + flowcharts in the sand. + +* A Real Programmer goes to discos to watch the light + shows. + +* At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying + "Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine work- + ing before the coronary." + +* In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who + insists on running the cans past the laser checkout + scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch + operators to get it right the first time. + + + THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT + --- ---- ------------ ------- ------- + + + What sort of environment does the Real Programmer func- +tion best in? This is an important question for the +managers of Real Programmers. Considering the amount of +money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put +him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work +done. + + The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a com- +puter terminal. Surrounding this terminal are: + +* Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever + worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on + every flat surface in the office. + +* Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold cof- + fee. Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts float- + ing in the coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain + Orange Crush. + +* Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OS + JCL manual and the Principles of Operation open to some + particularly interesting pages. + +* Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calender for + the year 1969. + +* Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut + butter filled cheese bars -- the type that are made + pre-stale at the bakery so they can't get any worse + while waiting in the vending machine. + +* Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a + stash of double-stuff Oreos for special occasions. + +* Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left + there by the previous occupant of the office. (Real + Programmers write programs, not documentation. Leave + that to the maintainence people.) + + + The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even +50 hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he +prefers it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the +Real Programmer -- it gives him a chance to catch a little +sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule +pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things +more challenging by working on some small but interesting +part of the problem for the first nine weeks, then finishing +the rest in the last week, in two or three 50-hour +marathons. This not only inpresses the hell out of his +manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project done +on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the +documentation. In general: + +* No Real Programmer works 9 to 5. (Unless it's the ones + at night.) + +* Real Programmers don't wear neckties. + +* Real Programmers don't wear high heeled shoes. + +* Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch. + +* A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's + name. He does, however, know the entire ASCII (or + EBCDIC) code table. + +* Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores + aren't open at three in the morning. Real Programmers + survive on Twinkies and coffee. + + + THE FUTURE + --- ------ + + + What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to +Real Programmers that the latest generation of computer pro- +grammers are not being brought up with the same outlook on +life as their elders. Many of them have never seen a com- +puter with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from +school these days can do hex arithmetic without a calcula- +tor. College graduates these days are soft -- protected from +the realities of programming by source level debuggers, text +editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly" operat- +ing systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer +scientists" manage to get degrees without ever learning FOR- +TRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix hackers +and Pascal programmers? + + From my experience, I can only report that the future +is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS/370 +nor FORTRAN show any signs of dying out, despite all the +efforts of Pascal programmers the world over. Even more +subtle tricks, like adding structured coding constructs to +FORTRAN have failed. Oh sure, some computer vendors have +come out with FORTRAN 77 compilers, but every one of them +has a way of converting itself back into a FORTRAN 66 com- +piler at the drop of an option card -- to compile DO loops +like God meant them to be. + + Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it +once was. The latest release of Unix has the potential of +an operating system worthy of any Real Programmer -- two +different and subtly incompatible user interfaces, an arcane +and complicated teletype driver, virtual memory. If you +ignore the fact that it's "structured", even 'C' programming +can be appreciated by the Real Programmer: after all, +there's no type checking, variable names are seven (ten? +eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer +data type is thrown in -- like having the best parts of FOR- +TRAN and assembly language in one place. (Not to mention +some of the more creative uses for #define.) + + No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the past +few years, the popular press has even commented on the +bright new crop of computer nerds and hackers ([7] and [8]) +leaving places like Stanford and M.I.T. for the Real World. +>From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on +in these young men and women. As long as there are ill- +defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, +there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve +The Problem, saving the documentation for later. Long live +FORTRAN! + + ACKNOWLEGEMENT + -------------- + + + I would like to thank Jan E., Dave S., Rich G., Rich E. +for their help in characterizing the Real Programmer, +Heather B. for the illustration, Kathy E. for putting up +with it, and atd!avsdS:mark for the initial inspriration. + + + REFERENCES + ---------- + + +[1] Feirstein, B., Real Men Don't Eat Quiche, New York, + Pocket Books, 1982. + +[2] Wirth, N., Algorithms + Datastructures = Programs, + Prentice Hall, 1976. + +[3] Xerox PARC editors . . . + +[4] Finseth, C., Theory and Practice of Text Editors - + or - a Cookbook for an EMACS, B.S. Thesis, + MIT/LCS/TM-165, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, + May 1980. + +[5] Weinberg, G., The Psychology of Computer Programming, + New York, Van Nostrabd Reinhold, 1971, page 110. + +[6] Dijkstra, E., On the GREEN Language Submitted to the DoD, + Sigplan notices, Volume 3, Number 10, October 1978. + +[7] Rose, Frank, Joy of Hacking, Science 82, Volume 3, Number 9, + November 1982, pages 58 - 66. + +[8] The Hacker Papers, Psychology Today, August 1980. + + +================================================================== diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_pro.spe b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_pro.spe new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9e8e6810 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_pro.spe @@ -0,0 +1,153 @@ + Real Programmers Don't Write Specs + +Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves +lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get. + +Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, +it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify. + +Real Programmers don't write application programs; they program right +down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who +can't do systems programming. + +Real Programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't +know how to SPELL quiche. They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan food. + +Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy +applications programmers. + +Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if +you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in +"only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. + +Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress +freaks and crystallography weenies. + +Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are +around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night. + +Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write +in BASIC, after the age of 12. + +Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who +can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. + +Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires +you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers +wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly +spring up in the middle of the machine room. + +Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't +read the listings or the object deck. + +Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of +those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people +with weak memories. + +Real Programmers only write specs for languages that might run on +future hardware. Noboby trusts them to write specs for anything +homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. + +Real Programmers don't play tennis or any other sport which requires +a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers +often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly +spring up in the middle of the machine room. + +Real Programmers spend 70\% of their work day fiddling around and then get +more done in the other 30\% than a user could get done in a week. + +Real Programmers are surprised when the odometers in their cars +don't turn from 99999 to 9999A. + +Real Programmers are concerned with the aesthetics of their craft; they +will writhe in pain at shabby workmanship in a piece of code. + +Real Programmers will defend to the death the virtues of a certain piece of +peripheral equipment, especially their lifeline, the terminal. + +Real Programmers never use hard copy terminals, they never use terminals +that run at less than 9600 baud, they never use a terminal at less than +its maximum practical speed. + +Real Programmers think they know the answers to your problems, and will +happily tell them to you rather than answer your questions. + +Real Programmers never program in COBOL, money is no object. + +Real Programmers never right justify text that will be read on a +fixed-character-width medium. + +Real Programmers wear hiking boots only when it's much too cold to wear +sandals. When it's only too cold, they wear socks with their sandals. + +Real Programmers don't think that they should get paid at all for their +work, but they know that they're worth every penny that they do make. + +Real Programmers log in first thing in the morning, last thing before they +go to sleep, and stay logged in for lots of time in between. + +Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are after all, the +illerate's form of documentation. + +Real Programmers don't use Macs. Computers which draw cute little +pictures are for wimps. + +Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference +is the hallmark of a novice and a coward. + +Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for gum chewing +twits who maintain ancient payroll programs. + +Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy +engineers who wear white socks. The get excited over finite state +analysis and nuclear reactor simulations. + +Real Programmers don't write in Modula-2. Modula-2 is for insecure +analretentives who can't choose between Pascal and COBOL. + +Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can +be written on one line. + +Real Programmers don't write in Lisp. Only effeminate programmers use +more parentheses than actual code. + +Real Programmers don't write in Pascal, Ada or any of those other +pinko computer science languages. Strong variable typing is for +people with weak memories. + +Real Programmers distain structured programming. Structured programming +is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained. They +wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear +desk. + +Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was +invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to think big. + +Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all +in every Real Program. Some candyass architectures won't allow EXECUTE +instructions to address another EXECUTE instruction as the target +instruction. Real Programmers despise petty restrictions. + +Real Programmers Don't use PL/I. PL/I is for insecure momma's boys who +can't choose between Cobol and Fortran. + +Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of +course, they are the Chief Programmer. + +Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are sometimes a +necessary evil. Managers are good for dealing with personnel bozos, +bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives. + +Real programmers ignore schedules. + +Real Programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending +machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, +they don't eat it. + +Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. + +Real Programmers use C since it's the easiest language to spell. + +Real Programmers don't use symbolic debuggers, who needs symbols. + +Real Programmers only curse at inanimate objects. diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realcpnk.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realcpnk.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..32e68e44 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realcpnk.txt @@ -0,0 +1,296 @@ + +/---------------------------------------------------------------------------\ +| THE MEN FROM | +| M M OOOOO N N GGGGG OOOOO | +| MM MM O O NN N G O O | +| M M M O O N N N G GG O O | +| M M O O N NN G G O O | +| M M OOOOO N N GGGGG OOOOO | +| | +| -*- present -*- | +| | +| +-----------------+ | +| | Real Cyberpunks | | +| +-----------------+ | +| | +| 9/24/91 | +| | +| With all this shit in the news and now a book about cyberpunks, we have| +|a bunch of lame assholes who think they are cyberpunks running around | +|blackening the name. In response to this we'd created this g-file so | +|everybody can tell the lamers from the real cyberpunks. Most of these | +|wanna-be cyberpunks will probably be offended by what we're going to say, | +|because the description of what defines a real cyberpunk doesn't apply to | +|them. Remember though, cyberpunk is mostly an attitude (this g-file | +|describes physical manifestations of this attitude), and real cyberpunks | +|don't get upset over something written in a g-file. | +\---------------------------------------------------------------------------/ + + CLOTHING + + - Real cyberpunks don't wear paisley, or any of that other neo- + futuristic, yuppie, artfag shit. + + - Real cyberpunks wear military surplus clothing, non-neon colored + Gortex, bluejeans, boots (combat or motorycle), Factsheet-5 T-Shirts, + and kilts (on formal occasions). + + - Real cyberpunks don't shop at Banana Republic or the "Mainframe" + clothing section at Sears. + + - Real cyberpunks have the balls to go to Thrift Shops. + Corollary to the above: Anyone who makes fun of a cyberpunk shopping at + a thrift shop usually winds up in ICU. + + COMPUTERS + + - Real cyberpunks don't use IBM PCs or Tandy 1000s. + + - Real cyberpunks that have the $$$ use 486s, and 68030s. + + - Real cyberpunks that don't have the $$$ use whatever the hell they can + get ahold of (except IBM PCs an Tandy 1000s). + + - All real Cyberpunks still own a TI-99/4A, S-100, Apple ][ w/Apple Cat, + or an Atari 130XE with ATR8000 & 850 interfaces as their backup + machine. + + - Real cyberpunks program in assembler and ADA. + + - Real cyberpunks think C is cute for a fuck-around language. + + - Real cyberpunks think of the Amiga as a cute toy. + + - Real cyberpunk SYSOPS run Stonehenge. + + - Real cyberpunks realize the Apple Cat was the best modem ever made. + + + CARS + + - Real cyberpunks drive whatever they can afford. + + - Real cyberpunks never drive an unmodified vehicle. + + - Real cyberpunks think Audi, BMW, and Mercedes cars serve best as rocket + launcher targets. + + - Real cyberpunks who can afford them drive something with a V-8. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks go to every police auction + in their area. + + TECH + + - All real cyberpunks have their ham license. + + - Real cyberpunks know the difference between a resistor and a capacitor. + + - Real cyberpunks know where to get tech cheap in their area. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks practically live at their local + surplus store. + + - Real cyberpunks think Radio Shack sucks, but still buy from there + because it's convenient. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks put pragmatism before + principle. + + - Real cyberpunks always carry a Leatherman Tool. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a Leatherman Tool is. + + - Real cyberpunks own a dual-band HT. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a dual-band HT is. + Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks have hosed McDonalds at + least once. + + - Real cyberpunks know how use a TDR. + Corollary to the above: The have also managed to get ahold of one for + free. + + POLITICS & LAW + + - Real cyberpunks are politically aware, but avoid getting involved in + that bullshit. + + - Real cyberpunks think all politicians should be castrated. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks are libertarians. + + - Real cyberpunks have copies of their state's law statues. + + - Real cyberpunks know the difference between the Declaration of + Independence and The Constitution. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what both of those say. + + - Real cyberpunks don't get caught. + + KNOWLEDGE + + - Real cyberpunks read 2600, Factsheet-5, Full Disclosure, Iron Feather + Journal, Cybertek, Radio Electronics, Circuit Cellar Ink, Computer + Shopper, American Survival Guide, and any 'zines about local bands in + their area. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks understand what they read in + these publications. + + - Real cyberpunks think Mondo2000, for the most part, sucks. + + - Real cyberpunks learn about everything from Computers to Crossbows. + + - Real cyberpunks know how to spell. + + - Real cyberpunks speak at least 2 languages. + + WEAPONS + + - Real cyberpunks don't have the typical yuppie artfag fear of weapons + that most modem users seem to have. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know the value of useful + equipment. + + - Real cyberpunks own at least one gun. + + - Real cyberpunks carry Gerber, Cold Steel, SOG, AlMar, or Spyderco + blades. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think custom steel is neat, but + costs too much. + + - Real cyberpunks have memorized The Improvised Munitions Black Book. + + - Real cyberpunks know The Anarchist Cookbook is a crock of shit. + + - Real cyberpunks buy everything authored by Seymour Lecker and Kurt + Saxon. + + - Real cyberpunks keep a supply of DMSO handy. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what DMSO is. + + MUSIC + + - Real cyberpunks go to The Mentors' concerts whenever they can. + + - Real cyberpunks think C&C Music Factory is just a bunch of out-of-the- + closet homosexuals. + + - Real cyberpunks don't listen to Paula Abdul. + + - Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson should be napalmed. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson is a + reincarnate of his monkey Bubbles. + + - Real cyberpunks think Top-40 sucks. + + - Real cyberpunks listen to Ministry, The Cure, Skinny Puppy, The + Misfits, Rush, Pink Floyd, etc. + + - In the end, real cyberpunks listen to whatever the fuck they want. + + PHREAKING & HACKING + + - Real cyberpunks think codes are for fags, but use them anyway because + they put pragmatism before principle. + + - Real cyberpunks know what TEMPEST means. + + - Real cyberpunks use data-taps. + + - Real cyberpunks have Internet access. + + - Real cyberpunks know why Broadway Hacker invited everyone to his house. + + - Real cyberpunks know what PPS really means. + + - Real cyberpunks know Clifford Stoll's ex-wife is a lesbian. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know that Clifford Stoll is an + asshole. + + - Real cyberpunks know just how good friends John Maxfield and Broadway + Hacker are. + + - Real cyberpunks know who John Maxfield is and what he was arrested for. + + - Real cyberpunks own a blue box, and still use it. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a blue box is, and + know how to use it. + + - Real cyberpunks know what a TS-21 is. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks stole their TS-21. + + - Real cyberpunks have acquired a Bell System hard-hat. + + - Real cyberpunks have a payphone. + Corollary to the above: The payphone belongs to someone else. + + - Real cyberpunks on the east coast have attended at least one 2600 + meeting. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks who have attended a 2600 +[PAUSE] meeting don't go to them anymore. + Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks are waiting for another + OSUNY meeting. + Further corollary: Real cyberpunks know what OSUNY originally stood + for. + + HEALTH + + - Real cyberpunks use Choline, Ginseng, and Golden Seal. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what these are. + + - Real cyberpunks know about the medicinal value of various plants. + + - Real cyberpunks take care of themselves. + + - Real cyberpunks take time away from fucking with their computers to get + some exercise. + + FOOD & DRINK + + - Real cyberpunks drink Jolt. + Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Pepsi is for artfags. + +[PAUSE] - Real cyberpunks are intimately familiar with the selection at 7 - + Eleven, but avoid it whenever possible. + + - Real cyberpunks know how to cook. + + - Real cyberpunks drink Guinness Stout. + + - Real cyberpunks who are under 21 distill their own. + + - Real cyberpunks can go to a Supermarket and not get lost. + + + That's it for now, but since lamers are always finding mew ways to become +lame, expect a Real Cyberpunks Vol. II soon. + + Yours truly, + The Men From Mongo, 9/24/91 + :OSUNY, TCO, PPS, SPS, PHALCO + + + +Read:(1-30,^29),? : + +30/30: Pow! What a smack upside the nugget... +Name: Predat0r #1 @5211 +Date: Tue Oct 01 02:59:18 1991 +From: Blitzkrieg (Kentucky) + + +Just got the new 2600 in the mail... see page 26. A letter titled "Send a +Message"... + +call 1-800-225-7466 this is the number you call to be removed from AT&T's +mailing list. you can also state a reason to be removed from this list which +they make a note of. State something like.... + +The concern you have with AT&T's public deception in the Craig Neidorf (aka +Knight Lightning - Phrack) e911 case and their attempt to set an example with +an innocent person. Also note the jail sentence of Len Rose as a result of +looking at the source code to UNIX, which is an outrage and a joke. It shows +how a monopoly can walk across our civil rights just because they have the +money to do it. + +Also take the time to have your long distance carrier switched to another one +[PAUSE] which doesn't go on witch hunts for hackers. Boycott AT & T. + + + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realduh.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realduh.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..92c640a2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realduh.txt @@ -0,0 +1,84 @@ +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + Real DD Users Guide +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + Written by: Sir Bernlad +------------------------- +Thanks to: Mr. Awesome, for letting me + be a co on his board (I know it's got + nothing to do with this file, but I + had to write something) +========================= + + Real DD users: + + know what DD means (in case you + aren't a real DD user, it stands + for Diversi-Dial) + + are bright enough not to fall + for the old /quiz trick + + in the middle of a private + conversation, never send a private + message to themselves by mistake + + can understand why when they + type something in and press return ÿ + it appears again on the screen a + few seconds later with their name + in front of it + + don't turn the beeps off, no + matter what time it is ÿ + + never voluntarily read the + advertisments on the system + + do not swear when on public + channels + + wait at least 30 seconds before + hanging up when alone on a system + + do not try to send e-mail + without a secondary password + + do not try to hack out other + users passwords or try to crash + the system + + don't try to upload files while + on the system ÿ + + aren't too cheap to buy a p/w + + never try to get onto a private + channel when 2 users are already + there + + do not bitch at people while on + the system + + and lots of other things that + don't immediately come to mind +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= + + If after reading this, you thought, +"golly, that reminds me of someone I +know!", and then realize that the +someone is you, maybe you should take +a long vacation from DD systems to keep +your reputation as a cool BBS-hopper +intact. If you've never called, a DD +system, here are the ones in the 312 +area code right now and remember the +guidelines I set above. +::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: +General Modem........338-6100 +The Bunker...........759-9191 +::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: + If you can't follow my guidelines, I +suggest you go and try to convince Chip +Welch to set up a Chipmunk DD line, +where you would be more than welcome. + diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realeng.sof b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realeng.sof new file mode 100644 index 00000000..619c7d0b --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realeng.sof @@ -0,0 +1,74 @@ + +Real Software Engineers Don't Read Dumps + +Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, +and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely +amused. + +Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so +mnemonic they don't have to. + +Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement +algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help +with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though. + +Real software engineers eat quiche. + +If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't +program in it. + +Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the +very thought. + +Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This +process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except +perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. + +Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious +of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine." + +Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport +that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. +(Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their +tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days. + +Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, +but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to +their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy. + +Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is +described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an +undocumented external procedure. + +Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been +implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is +available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies +into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy. + +Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have +not quite decided on a formal spec yet. + +Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in +PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns +out to be difficult to actually RUN these). + +Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. +PL/I is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too +much built in function. + +Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users, +either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the +implementation and verification of algorithms is all about. + +Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy +hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have +a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual +at ALL levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going +to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they +need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages. + +Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF. + + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realgame.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realgame.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b6546626 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realgame.hum @@ -0,0 +1,201 @@ +=-=-=-= The Realm Of The Rogues =-=-=-= + (415) 941-1990 ++------------------------------------+ +! ! +! ---> A Guide to Real Gamers <--- ! +! ! +! Written by Fritz Mertens ! +! ! +! 3-15-85 ! +! ! +! Call Haunted House: 415-941-7256 ! +! ! ++------------------------------------+ + + + This T-file was inspired by all those Guide to Real Pirates T-files. Thanx +guys, and I hope I can do justice to you. + + The following is a list of what real gamers do or do not do. A lot of what I +say should not be done I do anyway. + + Well, I never said I was a REAL gamer. + +Games: +----- + + Real gamers play AD&D. + + Correlary: Real gamers don't play Tunnels and Trolls. + + Real gamers don't buy meaningless game systems that will be obsolete next +month (Ex. Swashbuckler) + + Real gamers think AD&D could be better, but play it anyway. + + Real gamers know that AD&D module "T2" will never come out. + + Correlary: Real gamers think "T1" sucked big time. + + Real gamers don't have characters over 18th level, as they don't cheat. + + Real gamers never play "exactly by the book." + + Real gamers own all the AD&D books with the "old covers" + + Correlary: Real gamers don't own a copy of the Fiend Folio. + + Real gamers have plastic sheets on their characters. + + Correlary: Real gamers never laminate their character sheets. + + Real male gamers don't play female characters. + + Real female gamers aren't female gamers, just girlfriends of male gamers. + + Correlary: Real female gamers weigh over 200 lbs. + + Real gamers know Gary Gygax is a jerk. + + +Dice: +---- + + Real gamers never buy d30's. + + Real gamers don't buy plain dice. + + Addition: Real gamers NEVER buy Basic Set dice or Dragon Dice. + + Real gamers own at least 10d6 for that handy Fireball. + + Real gamers don't buy d6's larger than 5/8". + + Exception: Unless they use them for Privateer or as a Cow miniature. + + Real gamers buy d6's with dots and not with crummy numbers unless in a set. + + Addition: d6's with numbers always roll low. + + Real gamers don't buy round d6s. + + Real gamers don't load dice (unless they are the GM.) + + Real gamers buy d20's with all 20 numbers, not with 0-9 twice. + + Real gamers bring all their dice to every game. + + Addition: Real gamers don't show off their dice. + + Real gamers always buy dice whether they need them or not. + + +Conventions: + ----------- + + Real gamers go to conventions. + + Correlary: Real gamers never go to comic conventions. + + Real gamers run a game at a con so they can get in free. + + Addition: Real gamers pre-reg if they can't run a game. + + Real gamers attend Pacificon, Dundracon and Gamescaucass. + + Correlary: Real gamers never went to Chaoticon, Augacon or Marchcon. + + Addition: Real gamers used to attend Grimcon. + + Addition to the addition: Real gamers want to go to Gen Con. + + Correlary to the second addition: Real gamers never go to Gen Con. + + Real gamers never play in AD&D/Arduin variant runs. + + Real gamers always get a hotel room. + + Addition: Real gamers NEVER commute to the con. + + Real gamers never play in games with "80%+ kill rate". + + Real gamers don't pay the absurd prices the hotel charges at the "snack bar". + + Addition: Real gamers walk across the street to the 7-11 and pick it up for +less. + + Real gamers only watch "Zulu" and "Zulu Dawn" in the movie room. + + Correlary: Real gamers don't watch "The Dark Crystal". + + Real gamers get less than 5 hours of sleep a night. + + Correlary: Real gamers get less than 5 hours of sleep total. + + Addition to the correlary: Real gamers don't get any sleep at all. + + + +Miscellaneous: +------------- + + Real gamers never have neat rooms where they live. (at least for any length +of time). + + Real gamers don't join the RPGA. + + Real gamers are GMs as well as players. + + Real gamers read at least 6 fantasy books a year. + + Addition: Real gamers have read all the Elric books. + + Real gamers have been playing for at least 5 years. + + Real gamers are at least 14 years old. + + Real gamers paint their own miniatures. + + Addition: Real gamers never use Testor's paint on their miniatures. + + Real gamers don't wear pink shirts. + + Real gamers don't have bumper stickers on their cars that say "I brake for +Unicorns" or "Gamers do it with dice". + + Correlary: Real gamers have bumper stickers that say "Cthulhu Saves" or +anything by the AADA. + + Addition: Real gamers have cars. + + Real gamers don't wear t-shirts with dragons or unicorns unless they actually +own one. + + Real gamers like Heavy Metal music. + + Correlary: Real gamers hate Heavy Metal music. + + Real gamers own computers. + + Addition: Real gamers own Apples. + + Addition to the addition: Real gamers own modems. + + Addition to the addition to the addition: Real gamers own Apple-Cats. + + Well, that's all for now, hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed typing it +in. (Ugh!) If you have any more Real Gamer ideas, please send them to me. +That's: + +F) Fritz +L) Mertens + +This has been an Ed-Co production. + +(K) 3-15-85 01:31:23 + + +=-=-=-= The Realm Of The Rogues =-=-=-= + (415) 941-1990 +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realhomo.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realhomo.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..123ddc09 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realhomo.hum @@ -0,0 +1,99 @@ +-=- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- -=- +-=- The Guide to Real Homosexuals/Lesbians -=- +-=- -=- +-=- Written by The Banshee, and The Scanner -=- +-=- An Extension 1200 -n- Digital Gang Presentation -=- +-=- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- -=- + + Since me and The Scanner are both avid homosexuals, and we know there must be +some other homosexual pirates out there who like to play with their dogs, we +wrote this file especially for yous. We are over joyed to help the rest of you +sexy men out to help you get through such hard times with people who just don't +understand how much fun it is to stick a fish up your anus! + + Both Extension 1200 and The Digital Gang strive to protect their inner +secrets, we are mostly homosexuals, and we looooooove it! You may wonder how we +get all of the software we crack, well it is simple. One or two of us will go +over to the author's house and do him a favor (more on that later sexy). + + I'd like to say one thing to all of you who may change their feelings about +us. We are homosexuals, if you can't take that then we'll kick you in the +bottom! Hope you don't treat us like a bunch of outcasts just because we LOVE +men in those sexy bathing suits! I wish I could prod each and every one of you +sexy guys/boys out there who are homosexuals! Enough with anal fantasies, on +with the cum-dripping file, if you get a hard-on, smear cum all over the paper. + + +Real Homosexuals are proud of the fact that they are homosexuals! +Real Homosexuals get a hard-on when they go into the bathroom! +Real Homosexuals read Play Girl for the extremely sexy men with 12 inch cocks! +Real Homosexuals french their dog's anus. +Real Lesbians love to get hit by their partners. +Real Homosexuals scratch people who they hate. +Real Homosexuals stick broom sticks up their anus. +Real Homosexuals are turned on my Bot George in make-up. +Real Lesbians love to jump on any object. +Real Homosexuals do it with not two, three, four, but six guys at once! +Real Homosexuals call up lines like Dial-a-Gay for the provocative subjects. +Real Homosexuals own kitty-cats. +Real Lesbians own snakes! (Me and my freind own a python -- what fun!) +Real Homosexuals have pink lampshades. +Real Homosexuals use condoms every time their prod a hunk in the anus. +Real Homosexuals smear cum on their partner(s) when you spew. +Real Homosexuals hate women! +Real Homosexuals get hard-ons when on a conference with other guys. +Real Lesbians can cram a pool ball up their snatch. +Real Homosexuals love to pound their pud every night. +Real Homosexuals sleep in the raw! +Real Lesbians think leather and whips are the best things since the vibrator! +Real Homosexuals own waterbeds. +Real Lesbians ride horses. +Real Homosexuals stick their shaft in the disk drive when running. +Real Lesbians mastribate with a hot dog. +Real Homosexuals take baths with other men. +Real Homosexuals aren't afraid of AIDS. +Real Lesbians love to fuck anything. +Real Homosexuals are not fussy about who they fuck. +Real Homosexuals spew cum in their drinks. +Real Homosexuals stick objects up their anus. +Real Lesbians love to play pool! +Real Homosexuals lube up with vaseline! +Real Homosexuals shake for five minutes once taking a piss. +Real Lesbians use dildos. +Real Lesbians piss standing up. +Real Homosexuals dream of fucking every man! (like me...) +Real Lesbians use the "Sit-on-my-face" method. +Real Lesbians treat homosexuals as a treat! +Real Lesbians work in the nude. +Real Homosexuals can stick a lemon up their anus! (mine is 3 inches!) +Real Lesbians use vibrators. +Real Homosexuals belong to Extension 1200. +Real Homosexuals go to SanFransisco for Spring Break '86! (can't wait) +Real Homosexuals think hair is VERY sssssssexy! Ow! I love it! +Real Lesbians can last for 30 minutes before orgasm. +Real Homosexuals can last 45 minutes before ejaculation. +Real Lesbians bleed after having sex! + + + Thanks for all your time, I hope you sexy men will call me any time and share +your problems and fantasies with me! God, I'm getting desperate, I need to fuck +some sexy man soon! I'd like to stick my shaft up your juicy back-door and spew +cum all over your ass, then lick it off! God I love my life! + + Special thanks to The Scanner for his big hefty cock in my anus for all the +special help. + + Call me any time, no cloths required, 313/994-5060, or if that's busy because +I'm fucking with someone, 313/665-0555. Any time, I love to talk! + + Too-da-loo sexy! + + -Banshee + -Scanner + +-=- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- -=- +-=- (F) Extension 1200 and The Digital Gang -=- +-=- Fuck me any time, 313/994-5060 or 313/665-0555! Banshee+Scanner -=- +-=- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- -=- +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realluze.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realluze.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ad2b7803 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realluze.hum @@ -0,0 +1,126 @@ +<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*> +<*> <*> +<*> The Real Luzers Guide <*> +<*> Volume I <*> +<*> <*> +<*) By Jimmy the Phreak <*> +<*> <*> +<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*> + + Call these Chaotic Computing Systems + + 300 baud AE - (415)490-8202, pw=VICKI + 1200 baud AE - (415)651-5043, no pw + --------- + The Seadog BBS Catsend (415)657-4076 + --------- + The Shrine of Chaos BBS (415)659-1264 30megs! + + This phile is dedicated to the luzers of Team Bonzia. + +--------------------------------------- + Throughout my time in the modem world, I have unfortunately encountered the +dreaded, LUZER. These strange parasitical creatures run rampant in the modem +world causing great frustration to us real pirates. These seemingly alien life +forms gather in colonies and invade boards, and when they build up enough +courage, they even attempt to lash out at real established user groups. This +text file is intended to be an aid to recognize a luzer before they usually have +a chance to group,even though they wouldn't even stand a chance against a well +established pirating organization. +--------------------------------------- + + As defined in the real pirates guides luzers are usually under 15 years of +age. There have been accounts though of some reaching 18 and 19. + + Real luzers gather in groups. + + Real luzers don't own their own com- puter ,if they do it is usually an Atari +or a Commodore-64. + + Real luzers watch Voltron. + + Real luzers play with Tranformers. + + Real luzers don't have lower case. + + Real luzers have only one drive. + + Real luzers use TV sets for monitors. + + Real luzers buy SS/SD diskettes from their local department store at $40 a +box. + + Real luzers don't have 80 columns. + + Real luzers think a CAT is a furry,four legged animal that scratches up fur- +niture. + + Real luzer use SPRINT. + + Real luzers mother's buy them their clothes. + + Real luzer carry over 4 pens and/or pencils in their pocket. + + Real luzers post "Leave me E-Mail" messages. + + Real luzers have only one fone line. + + Real luzers post their home fone # in a public message. + + Real luzers don't wear white shoes because they think they'll get them dirty. + + Real luzers use stupid one word handles, i.e. Ziar. + + Real luzers leech. + + Real luzer always associate with other luzers. + + Real luzers call AE's and boards from 9am to 11pm because they have nothing +better to do. + + Real luzers like Michael Jackson, Culture Club, and the Pointer Sisters. + + Real luzers dial pulse. + + Real luzers break dance. + + Real luzers use their real name instead of a handle. + + Real luzers have under 48k + + Real luzers only take showers anually. + + Real luzers have a grade point average of 3.5 plus. + + Real luzers listen to top 40. + + Real luzers have bowl hair cuts. + + Real luzers think they are Ninjas. + + Real luzers backspace in messages. + + Real luzers put over in over 30 exclamation marks per message. + + Real luzers buy software. + + Real luzers are members of the school computer club. + + Real luzers live in trailer parks. + + Real luzers wardrobes consist of nothing but T-Shirts. + + Real luzers deserve it! + +....................................... +: ___________________________________ : +:.....................................: + + Watch for more text philes from Chaotic Computing, coming soon to an AE or BBS +near you! + +[=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=] +[ (c)Copyright 1985-Chaotic Computing ] +[=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=] +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realmel.pro b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realmel.pro new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0a52c351 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realmel.pro @@ -0,0 +1,274 @@ +Article 4295 of comp.misc: +Path: santra!tut!draken!kth!mcvax!uunet!yale!bunker!wtm +From: wtm@bunker.UUCP (Bill McGarry) +Newsgroups: comp.misc +Subject: Real Programmers +Message-ID: <4653@bunker.UUCP> +Date: 16 Feb 89 17:12:44 GMT +Reply-To: wtm@bunker.UUCP (Bill McGarry) +Organization: Bunker Ramo, an Olivetti Company, Shelton, CT +Lines: 260 + + +In <1180@argon.siesoft>, David Allsopp (daa@siesoft) writes: + +>BTW, anyone else remember (and could re-post) the story about the Real +>Programmer, working on a machine with drum memory, who wrote a program +>with an infinite loop that nevertheless terminated? + +I don't know the original author of this but here it is anyway. + + Bill McGarry + Bunker Ramo, Shelton, CT + (203) 337-1518 + + PATH: {oliveb, philabs, decvax, fortune, yale}!bunker!wtm + wtm@bunker.uucp + + + + + Real Programmers write in Fortran + + +Maybe they do now, +in this decadent era of +Lite beer, hand calculators and "user-friendly" software +but back in the Good Old Days, +when the term "software" sounded funny +and Real Computers were made out of drums and vacuum tubes, +Real Programmers wrote in machine code. +Not Fortran, not RATFOR. Not, even, assembly language. +Machine Code. +Raw, unadorned, inscrutable hexadecimal numbers. +Directly. + +Lest a whole new generation of programmers +grow up in ignoreance of this glorious past, +I feel duty-bound to describe, +as best I can through the generation gap, +how a Real Programmer wrote code. +I'll call him Mel, +because that was his name. + +I first met Mel when I work to work for Royal McBee Computer Corp., +a now-defunct subsidiary of the typewriter company. +The firm manufactured the LGP-30, +a small, cheap (by the standards of the day) +drum-memory computer, +and had just started to manufacture +the RPC-4000, a much-improved, +bigger, better, faster -- drum-memory computer. +Cores cost too much, +and weren't here to stay, anyway. +(That's why you haven't heard of the computer, or the computer.) + +I had been hired to write a Fortran compiler +for this new marvel and Mel was my guide to its wonders. +Mel didn't approve of compilers. + +"If a program can't rewrite its own code," +he asked, "what good is it?" + +Mel had written, +in hexadecimal, +the most popular computer program the company owned. +It ran on the LGP-30 +and played blackjack with potential customers +at computer shows. +Its effect was always dramatic. +The LGP-30 booth was packed at every show, +and the IBM salesman stood around +talking to each other. +Whether or not this actually sold computers +was a question we never discussed. + +Mel's job was to re-write +the blackjack program for the RPC-4000. +(Port? What does that mean?) +The new computer had a one-plus-one +addressing scheme, +in which each machine instruction, +in addition to the operation code +and the address of the needed operand, +had a second address that indicated where, on the revolving drum, +the next instruction was located. +In modern parlance, +every single instruction was followed by a GO TO! +Put *that* in Pascal's pipe and smoke it. + +Mel loved the RPC-4000 +because he could optimize his code: +that is, locate instructions on the drum +so that just as one finished its job, +the next would be jsut arriving at the "read head" +and available for immediate execution. +There was a program to do that job, +an "optimizing assembler", +but Mel refused to use it. + +"You never know where it's going to put things", +he explained, "so you'd have to use separate constants". + +It was a long time before I understood that remark. +Since Mel knew the numerical value +of every operation code, +and assigned his own drum addresses, +every instruction he wrote could also be considered +a numerical constant. +He could pick up an earlier "add" instruction, say, +and multiply by it, +if it had the right numeric value. +His code was not easy for someone else to modify. + +I compared Mel's hand-optimized programs +with the same code massaged by the optimizing assembler program, +and Mel's always ran faster. +That was because the "top-down" method of program design +hadn't been invented yet, +and Mel wouldn't have used it anyway. +He wrote the innermost parts of his program loops first, +so that they would get first choice +of the optimum address locations on the drum. +The optimizing assembler wasn't smart enough to do it that way. + +Mel never wrote time-delay loops, either, +even when the balky Flexowriter +required a delay between output characters to work right. +He just located instructions on the drum +so each successive one was just *past* the read head +when it was needed; +the drum had to execute another complete revolution +to find the next instruction. +He coined an unforgettable term for this procedure. +Although "optimum" is an absolute term, +like "unique", it became common verbal practice +to make it relative: +"not quite optimum" or "less optimum" +or "not very optimum". +Mel called the maximum time-delay locations +the "most pessimum". + +After he finished the blackjack program +and got it to run, +("Even the initializer is optimized", +he said proudly) +he got a Change Request from the sales department. +The program used an elegant (optimized) +random number generator +to shuffle the "cards" and deal from the "deck", +and some of the salesmen felt it was too fair, +since sometimes the customers lost. +They wanted Mel to modify the program +so, at the setting of a sense switch on the console, +they could change the odds and let the customer win. + +Mel balked. +He felt this was patently dishonest, +which it was, +and that it impinged on his personal integrity as a programmer, +which it did, +so he refused to do it. +The Head Salesman talked to Mel, +as did the Big Boss and, at the boss's urging, +a few Fellow Programmers. +Mel finally gave in and wrote the code, +but he got the test backwards, +and, when the sense switch was turned on, +the program would cheat, winning every time. +Mel was delighted with this, +claiming his subconscious was uncontrollably ethical, +and adamantly refused to fix it. + +After Mel had left the company for greener pa$ture$, +the Big Boss asked me to look at the code +and see if I could find the test and reverse it. +Somewhat reluctantly, I agreed to look. +Tracking Mel's code was a real adventure. + +I have often felt that programming is an art form, +whose real value can only be appreciated +by another versed in the same arcane art; +there are lovely gems and brilliant coups +hidden from human view and admiration, sometimes forever, +by the very nature of the process. +You can learn a lot about an individual +just by reading through his code, +even in hexadecimal. +Mel was, I think, an unsung genius. + +Perhaps my greatest shock came +when I found an innocent loop that had no test in it. +No test. *None*. +Common sense said it had to be a closed loop, +where the program would circle, forever, endlessly. +Program control passed right through it, however, +and safely out the other side. +It took me two weeks to figure it out. + +The RPC-4000 computer had a really modern facility +called an index register. +It allowed the programmer to write a program loop +that used an indexed instruction inside; +each time through, +the number in the index register +was added to the address of that instruction, +so it would refer to the next datum in a series. +He had only to increment the index register +each time through. +Mel never used it. + +Instead, he would pull the instruction into a machine register, +add one to its address, +and store it back. +He would then execute the modified instruction +right from the register. +The loop was written so this additional execution time +was taken into account -- +just as this instruction finished, +the next one was right under the drum's read head, +ready to go. +But the loop had no test in it. + +The vital clue came when I noticed +the index register bit, +the bit that lay between the address +and the operation code in the instruction word, +was turned on -- +yet Mel never used the index register, +leaving it zero all the time. +When the light went on it nearly blinded me. + +He had located the data he was working on +near the top of memory -- +the largest locations the instructions could address -- +so, after the last datum was handled, +incrementing the instruction address +woudl make it overflow. +The carry would add one to the +operation code changing it to the next one in the instruction set: +a jump instruction. +Sure enought the next program instruction was +in address location zero, +and the program went happily on its way. + +I haven't kept in touch with Mel, +so I don't know if he ever gave in to the flood of +change that has washed over programming techniques +since those long-gone days. +I like to think he didn't. +In any event, +I was impressed enough that I quit looking for the +offending test, +telling the Big Boss I couldn't find it. +He didn't seem suprised. + +When I left the company, +the blackjack program would still cheat +if you turned on the right sense switch, +and I think that's how it sould be. +I didn't feel comfortable +hacking up the code of a Real Programmer. + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realmen.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realmen.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ec3a3073 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realmen.txt @@ -0,0 +1,369 @@ + +(REALMEN.DOC) + +REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE PASCAL + + Back in the good ole days -- the "Golden Era" of computers, it was easy +to seperate the real men from the boys (sometimes called "Real Men" and +"Quiche Eaters" in the literature). During this period, the Real Men were the +ones that understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters were the ones +who didn't. A real computer programmer said things like: + + DO 10 I=1,10 +and: + ABEND + + They talked in capital letters, you understand. The rest of the world +said things like "computers are too complicated for me" and "I can't relate to +computers -- they're so impersonal". A previous work (1) points out that Real +Men don't "relate to" anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal. + But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a world in which +little old ladies can get computers in their microwave ovens, 12-year old kids +can blow Real Men out of the water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and anyone +can buy and understand their very own personal computer. The Real Programmer +is in danger of becoming extinct, of being replaced by high-school students +with TRS-80's. + There is a clear need to point out the differences between the typical +high-school junior Pac-Man player and a Real Programmer. If this difference +is made clear, it will give those kids someting to aspire to -- a role model, +a Father Figure. It will also help to explain to the employers of Real +Programmers why it would be a mistake to replace the Real Programmers on their +staff with a 12-year old Pac-Man player (at very considerable salary savings). + + LANGUAGES + The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is by the +programming language he or she uses. Real Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche +Eaters use Pascal. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of Pascal, gave a talk once +at which he was asked "How do you pronounce your name?" He replied, "You can +call me by name, pronouncing it "Veert", or you call call me by value, +"Worth"." One can tell immediately from this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a +Quiche Eater. The only parameter passing mechanism that Real Programmers +endorse is "call by value-return", as implemented in the IBM/370 FORTRAN G and +H compilers. Real Programmers don't need all those abstract concepts to get +their jobs done -- they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV +compiler, and a beer. + + * Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN. + * Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN. + * Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN. + * Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN. + + If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. If you can't +do it in assembly language, it isn't worth doing. + + STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING + The academics in computer science have gotten into the "structured +programming" rut over the past several years. They claim that programs are +more easily understood if the programmer uses some special language constructs +and techniques. They don't all agree on exactly which constructs, of course, +and the examples they use to show their particular point of view invariably +fit on a single page of some obscure journal or another -- clearly not enough +of an example to convince anyone. When I got out of school, I thought I was +the best programmer in the world. I could write an unbeatable tic-tac-toe +program, use five different computer languages, and create 1000-line programs +that WORKED (really)!!! Then I got out into the Real World. My first task in +the Real world was to read and understand a 200,000 line FORTRAN program, then +speed it up by a factor of two. Any Real Programmer will tell you that all +the Structured Coding in the world won't help you solve a problem like that -- +it takes actual talent. Some quick observations on Real Programmers and +Structured Programming: + + * Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's. + * Real Programmers can write five-page long DO loops without getting + confused. + * Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements -- they make the code + more interesting. + * Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can + save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop. + * Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious. + * Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT ... UNTIL, or + CASE statement, Real Programmers don't have to worry about not using + them. Besides, all those structures can be simulated, when + necessary, by using assigned GOTO's. + + Data Structures have also gotten a lot of press lately. Abstract Data +Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and Strings have become popular in certain +circles. Nicklaus Wirth (the aforementioned Quiche Eater) actually managed to +write an entire book (2) contending that you could write program based on Data +Structures, instead of the other way around. As all Real Programmers know, +the only useful Data Structure is the ARRAY. Strings, Lists, Structrures, +Sets -- they are all just special cases of Arrays and con be treated that way +just as easily without messing up your programming language with all sorts of +complications. The worst thing about fancy data types is that you have to +declare them, and Real Programming Languages, as we all know, have implicit +typing based on the first letter of the (six character) variable name. + + OPERATING SYSTEMS + What kind of operating system does the Real Programmer use? CP/M? God +forbid -- CP/M, after all, is basically a toy operating system. Even little +old ladies and grade school students can use and understand CP/M. + UNIX is a lot more complicated of course -- the typical UNIX hacker never +can remember what the command is called this week. But when it gets +right down to it, UNIX is a glorified video game. People don't do +work on UNIX systems -- they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net, and +write adventure games and research papers. + No, your Real Programmer uses OS/370. A good programmer can find and +understand the description of the IJK305I error he just got in the JCL manual. +A great programmer can write JCL without refering to the JCL manual at all. A +truly outstanding programmer can find bugs buried in a six-Megabyte core dump +without using a hex calculator (I have actually seen this done). + OS/370 is a truly remarkable operating system. It's possible to destroy +days of work with a single misplaced space (actually, this is also true of +UNIX), so alertness in the programming staff is encouraged. The best way to +approach the system is through a keypunch. Some people claim that there is a +Time Sharing system that runs on OS/370, but after careful study I have come +to the conclusion that they were mistaken. + + PROGRAMMING TOOLS + What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In theory, a Real +Programmer could run his programs by keying them into the front panel of the +computer. Back in the days when computers front panels, this was +actually done occasionally. Your typical Real Programmer knew the entire +bootstrap loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in whenever his program +destroyed the bootstrap. Back then, memory was memory -- it didn't go away +when the power went off. Today, memory either forgets things when you don't +want it to, or remembers things long after they're best forgotten. Legend has +it that Seymour Cray (who invented the Cray-1 supercomputer, and most of +Control Data's computers) actually toggled the first operating system for the +CDC-7600 in on the front panel from memory when it was first powered on. +Seymour, needless to say, is a Real Programmer. + One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems programmer at Texas +Instruments. One day, he got a long-distance call from a user whose system +had crashed in the middle of saving some important work. Jim was able to +repair the damage over the telephone, getting the user to toggle in disk I/O +instructions at the front panel, repairing system tables in hex, reading +register contents back over the telephone. The moral of the story: while a +Real Programmer usually includes a keypunch and line printer in his toolkit, +he can get along with just a front panel and a telephone in emergencies. + In some companies, text editing no longer consists of ten engineers +standing in line to use an 029 keypunch. In fact, the building I work in +doesn't contain a single keypunch. The Real Programmer in this situation has +to work with a "text editor" program. Most systems supply several text +editors to select from, and the Real Programmer must be careful to pick one +that reflects his personal style. Many people believe that the best text +editors in the world were written at Xerox Palo Alto Research Center for use +on their Alto and Dorado computers (3). Unfortunately, no Real Programmer +would use a computer whose operating system is called SmallTalk, and would +certainly never talk to the computer with a mouse. + Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been incorporated into +editors running on more reasonable operating systems -- EMACS and VI being +two. The problem with these editors is that Real Programmers consider "what +you see is what your get" is just as bad a concept in Text Editing as it is in +women. No, the Real Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text +editor -- complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, and dangerous. TECO, +to be precise. + It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more closely resembles +transmission-line noise than readable text (4). One of the more entertaining +games to play with TECO is to type your name in as a command line and try to +guess what it does. Just about any possible typing error while talking with +TECO will probably destroy yuour program, or even worse, introduce subtle and +mysterious bugs in a once working subroutine. + For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to actually edit a +program that is close to working. They find it much easier instead to just +patch the binary object code directly, using a wonderful program called +SUPERZAP (or its equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so well that +many working programs on IBM systems bear no relation to the original FORTRAN +code. In many cases, the original source code is no longer available. When +it comes time to fix a program like this, no manager would even think of +sending anyone less than a Real Programmer to do the job -- no Quiche Eating +Structured Programmer would even know where to start. This is called "job +security". + + Here are some programming tools that Real Programmers use: + + * FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. These are the + Cuisinarts of programming -- great for making Quiche. See the + comments on Structured Programming. + * Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read core dumps. + * Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle creativity, + destroy most of the interesting uses for the EQUIVALENCE statement, + and make it impossible to modify the operating system code with + negative subscripts. Worst of all, bounds checking is inefficient. + * Source code maintenance systems. A Real Programmer keeps the code + locked up in a card file, because it implies that the owner cannot + leave important programs unguarded (5). + + THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK + Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind of programs are +worthy of the efforts of so talented an individual? You can be sure that no +Real Programmer should be caught dead writing accounts-receivable programs in +COBOL, or sorting mailing lists for magazine. A Real Programmer +wants tasks of earth-shaking importance (literally!). + + * Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing + atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray-1 supercomputers. + * Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding + Russian transmissions. + * It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers + working for NASA that our boys got to the moon and back before the + Russkies. + * Real Programmers programmed the computers on the Space Shuttle. + * Real Programmers are at work for Boeing, designing the operating + systems for cruise missiles. + + Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work at the Jet +Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of them know the entire operating +system of the Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft by heart. With a combination of +large ground-based FORTRAN programs and small spacecraft-based assembly +language programs, they are able to do incredible feats of navigation and +improvisation -- hitting ten-kilometer wide windows at Saturn after six years +in space, repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and +batteries. Allegedly, a Real Programmer managed to tuck a pattern-matching +program into a few hundred bytes of unused memory in the Voyager spacecraft +that searched for, located, and photographed a new moon of Jupiter. + The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a gravity-assist +trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter. This trajectory passes 80 +/- 3 +kilometers of the surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a Pascal program +(or a Pascal Programmer for that matter) for navigation to those tolerances. + As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers work for the U.S. +Government -- mainly the Defense Department. This is as it should be. +Recently, however, a black cloud has formed on the Real Programmers' horizon. +It seems that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense Department +decided that all Defence programs should be written in some grand unified +language called Ada ((C) DoD). For a while, it seemed that Ada was destined +to become a language which went against all the precepts of Real Programming +-- a language with structure, a language with data types, strong typing, and +semicolons. In short, a language designed to cripple the creativity of the +typical Real Programmer. Fortunately, the language which the DoD adopted has +engough interesting features to make it approachable -- it's incredibly +complex, includes methods for messing with the operating system and +rearranging memory, and Edger Dijkstra doesn't like it (6). Dijkstra, as I'm +sure you know, was the author of "The Go To Considered Harmful" -- a landmark +work in programming methodology, applauded by Pascal Programmers and Quiche +Eaters alike. Besides, the determined Real Programmer can write FORTRAN +programs in any language. + Real Programmers might compromise their principles and work on something +slightly more trivial that the destruction of life as we know it, providing +there's enough money in it. There are several Real Programmers writing video +games at Atari, for example (but not playing them -- a Real Programmer knows +how to beat the machine every time -- no challenge in that). Everybody at +LucasFilms is a Real Programmer (it would be crazy to turn down the money of +fifty million Star Trek fans). The proportion of Real Programmers in Computer +Graphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mainly because nobody has found a +use for Computer Graphics yet. On the other hand, all Computer Graphics +programming is done in FORTRAN, so there are a fair number of people doing +Graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs. + + THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY + Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way as he works -- with +computers. The Real Programmer is constantly amazed that his employer +actually pays him for what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is +careful not to express this opinion out loud). Ocassionally, a Real +Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or +two. Some tips on recognizing Real Programmers away from the computer room: + + * At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking + about operating system security and how to get around it. + * At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the + plays against a simulation printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper. + * At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in + the sand. + * At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George. + And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary". + * In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on + running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he + never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time. + + THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT + What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This +is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering +the amount of money it costs to keep a Real Programmer on the staff, it's best +to put him or her in an environment where they can actually get the work done. + The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal. +Surrounding this terminal are: + + * Listings of all the programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, + piled in roughly cronological order on every flat surface in the + office. + * Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. + Ocassionally there will be cigarrette butts floating in the coffee. + In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush. + * Unless the Real Programmer is very good, there will be copies of the + OS JCL manual and the Principles of Operation open at some + particularly interesting pages. + * Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calandar for the year + 1969. + * Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled + cheese bars -- of the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so + that they can't get any worse while waiting in the vending machine. + * Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double- + stuff Oreos for special occasions. + * Underneath the Oreos is the flow-charting template, left there by + the previous occupant of the office. Real Programmers write + programs, not documentation -- leave that to maintenance people. + + The Real Programmer is capable of working thirty, fourty, even fifty +hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, the Real Programmer +prefers it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer -- +it provides the chance to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is +not enough schedule pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things +more challenging by working on some small but interesting part of the problem +for the first nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or +three fifty-hour marathons. This not only impresses the hell out of the Real +Programmer's manager who was despairing of ever getting the project done on +time, but also creates a convenient excuse for not doing the documentation. +In general: + + * No Real Programmer works nine to five (unless its the ones at night). + * A Real Programmer might or might not know the name of their spouse. + The Real Programmer does, however, know the entire EBCDIC (or ASCII) + code table. + * Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open + at three o'clock in the morning. Real Programmers survive on + Twinkies and coffee. + + THE FUTURE + What of the future? It is a mattter of some concern to Real Programmers +that the latest generation of computer programmers are not being brought up +with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of them have never seen a +computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days +can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are +soft -- protected from the realities of programming by source level debuggers, +text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly" operationg systems. +Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer Scientists" manage to get +degrees without ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry +of UNIX hackers and Pascal programmers? + From my experience, I can only report that the future is bright for Real +Programmers everywhere. Neither OS/370 nor FORTRAN show any signs of dying +out, despite all the efforts of Pascal programmers the world over. Even more +subtle tricks, like adding structured programming constructs to FORTRAN, have +failed. Oh sure, some computer vendors have come out with FORTRAN-77 +compilers, but every one of them has a way of converting it back to a FORTRAN- +66 compiler at the drop of an option card -- to compile DO loops the way God +intended. + Even UNIX might not be as hard on Real Programmers as it once was. The +latest release of UNIX has the potential of an operating system worthy of any +Real Programmer -- two different and subtly incompatible user interfaces, an +arcane and complicated teletype drive, and virtual memory. If you ignore the +fact that it's structured, even C programming can be appreciated by Real +Programmers. After all, there's no type checking, variable names are seven +(ten? eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer data type is +thrown in -- like having the best parts of FORTRAN and assembly language in +one place (not even talking about #define). + No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the last few years, the +popular press has even commented on the bright new crop of computer nerds and +hackers ((7) and (8)) leaving places like Stanford and MIT for the Real World. +From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on in these young men +and women. As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and +unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and +Solve the Problem, saving the documentation for later. Long live FORTRAN! + + REFERENCES + (1) Feirstein, B., , New York, Pocket books, + 1982 + (2) Wirth, N., , Prentice Hall, + 1976 + (3) Xerox PARC editors . . . + (4) Finseth, C., , B.S. thesis, MIT/LCS/TM-165, Massachusetts + Institute of Technology, May 1980 + (5) Weinberg, G. , New York, Van + Nostrand Reinhold, 1971, page 110 + (6) Dijkstra, E. , Sigolan + notices, Volume 3, Number 10, October 1978 + (7) Rose, Frank, , Science 82 Volume 3, Number 9, + November 1982, pages 58-66 + (8) ., Psychology Today, August 1980 + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realops.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realops.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..96d3db12 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realops.txt @@ -0,0 +1,98 @@ + +REAL OPERATORS GUIDE... + Brought to you by the Hexagon Suite + ...RULES TO LIVE BY + + 1. Real operators don't call themselves "SysOp" and don't have + silly handles. + Ever seen operators with handles such as "THE MASTER" or + "TECHRAT" or some such other nonsense? Have a little + dignity. And "SYSOP" is such a meaningless handle. + This goes for users in general as well. If you're going + to be using a handle for the rest of your lifetime in the + modem world, why not pick an appropriate and interesting one? + + 2. Real operators know how to spell, and have a moderate grasp + of English grammar. + How many systems have you called on which the operator + couldn't spell to save his life? If you're heading an + organization designed for the distribution of free + information (presumably that's why most people run a system + in the first place), shouldn't you have enough of a grasp of + the English language to get your point across at all? + + 3. Real operators can type faster than 20 words per minute. + Every get into chat with a system operator only to find + out he types slower than your grandmother? It's a rather + worrying experience. This doesn't mean that an operator + should be able to type 120 words per minute with 100% + accuracy; merely that he should be able to get his point + across in a minimal amount of time. After all, if you're + going to be communicating with all your users via this medium + -- the typewriter -- you'd better be able to type. + + 4. Real operators don't pick silly names for their system. + How many systems have you seen around the country called + "THE TAVERN" or "FORTRESS"? Again, if you're going to go + through the trouble of putting up a system, why not give it + an interesting title? Different titles always attract more + users than the same old same mold. + + 5. Real operators write their own system software. + Most users are tired of calling systems with the same old + software used by a hundred others -- Wildcat, QuickBBS, and + the like grow old very quickly. In addition, that + "UNREGISTERED EVALUATION VERSION" message at each log on + tends to get on the nerves as well. If you're going to put + up a system, why not do the original authors of it the + courtesy of _registering_ their system software package? + If you don't have the expertise necessary to write your + own system, perhaps you shouldn't be running one at all. + Good systems are characterized by the computer literacy of + the management. + + 6. Real operators run their systems 24 hours a day. + Ever seen "Call this BBS -- from 9pm to 6am. It's run on + my own private line..."? Why bother putting up a system if + it's only going to be up on a partial time schedule? All + this does is complicate things for both the user and the + operator. The user is never sure of when are the exact times + allowed to call the system, and because of this, the operator + gets calls from modems all the time. In addition, many BBS + lists don't have a field for hours up, so new users getting + the BBS number from there may not even _know_ that it's not + 24 hours. And I'm almost embarrassed to say I've called a + system that had call-waiting on the phone line! Users would + kick each other off trying to get on. + + 7. Real operators don't call other systems on their own system + line. + It's a little ridiculous to tie up the system that you've + put all your time and effort (and perhaps money) to set up + just to get onto a few other systems. For God's sake, get + another phone line! + + 8. Real operators have a separate, distinct phone line for their + system. + This follows a few of the other guidelines above. If + you're going to invest in system software, you might as well + go the extra length and get a separate phone line for it. + Otherwise...why bother? + + 9. Real operators run their system off a hard drive of + reasonable size. + How many systems have you called and been shocked to find + out that they're running off of two floppy disks? Be + serious. You can't have any system worth calling on only a + meg or so. + + 10. When real operators call other systems, they don't advertise + their system at the end of their every post. + It's annoying to see "CALL MY BBS -- 408-555-1212" at the + end of someone's post every single time. If anything, this + would probably make other users _not_ want to call your + system. + + -)(- + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpas.pro b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpas.pro new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a24fc478 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpas.pro @@ -0,0 +1,521 @@ +Article 1915 of eunet.jokes: +Path: santra!tut!draken!kth!mcvax!hp4nl!mcvax!inria!corto!ji +From: ji@corto.inria.fr (John Ioannidis - Altair) +Newsgroups: eunet.jokes +Subject: Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal +Message-ID: <1246@inria.UUCP> +Date: 13 Feb 89 17:42:55 GMT +Sender: news@inria.UUCP +Reply-To: ji@corto.UUCP (John Ioannidis - Altair) +Distribution: eunet +Organization: GIP-Altair (IN2|INRIA|LRI) +Lines: 505 + +Here's the real thing. Enjoy! + + + + "Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL" + + Back in the good old days -- the "Golden Era" of computers, it was easy +to separate the men from the boys (sometimes called "Real Men" and "Quiche +Eaters" in the literature). During this period, the Real Men were the ones that +understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters were the ones that +didn't. A real computer programmer said things like "DO 10 I=1,10" and "ABEND" +(they actually talked in capital letters, you understand), and the rest of the +world said things like "computers are too complicated for me" and "I can't +relate to computers -- they're so impersonal". (A previous work [1] points out +that Real Men don't "relate" to anything, and aren't afraid of being +impersonal.) + + But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a world in which +little old ladies can get computers in their microwave ovens, 12-year-old kids +can blow Real Men out of the water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and anyone +can buy and even understand their very own Personal Computer. The Real +Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of being replaced by high-school +students with TRASH-80's. + + There is a clear need to point out the differences between the typical +high-school junior Pac-Man player and a Real Programmer. If this difference is +made clear, it will give these kids something to aspire to -- a role model, a +Father Figure. It will also help explain to the employers of Real Programmers +why it would be a mistake to replace the Real Programmers on their staff with +12-year-old Pac-Man players (at a considerable salary savings). + + + LANGUAGES + --------- + + The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is by the +programming language he (or she) uses. Real Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche +Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, gave a talk once at +which he was asked "How do you pronounce your name?". He replied, "You can +either call me by name, pronouncing it 'Veert', or call me by value, 'Worth'." +One can tell immediately from this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche +Eater. The only parameter passing mechanism endorsed by Real Programmers is +call-by-value-return, as implemented in the IBM\370 FORTRAN-G and H compilers. +Real programmers don't need all these abstract concepts to get their jobs done +-- they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV compiler, and a beer. + + * Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN. + + * Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN. + + * Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN. + + * Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN. + +If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. If you can't do it +in assembly language, it isn't worth doing. + + + + + + STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING + ---------------------- + + The academics in computer science have gotten into the "structured +programming" rut over the past several years. They claim that programs are more +easily understood if the programmer uses some special language constructs and +techniques. They don't all agree on exactly which constructs, of course, and +the examples they use to show their particular point of view invariably fit on +a single page of some obscure journal or another -- clearly not enough of an +example to convince anyone. When I got out of school, I thought I was the best +programmer in the world. I could write an unbeatable tic-tac-toe program, use +five different computer languages, and create 1000-line programs that WORKED. +(Really!) Then I got out into the Real World. My first task in the Real World +was to read and understand a 200,000-line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by +a factor of two. Any Real Programmer will tell you that all the Structured +Coding in the world won't help you solve a problem like that -- it takes actual +talent. Some quick observations on Real Programmers and Structured Programming: + + * Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's. + + * Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without + getting confused. + + * Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements -- they make the + code more interesting. + + * Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can + save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop. + + * Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious. + + * Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT ... UNTIL, or + CASE statement, Real Programmers don't have to worry about not + using them. Besides, they can be simulated when necessary using + assigned GOTO's. + + Data Structures have also gotten a lot of press lately. Abstract Data +Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and Strings have become popular in certain +circles. Wirth (the above-mentioned Quiche Eater) actually wrote an entire book +[2] contending that you could write a program based on data structures, instead +of the other way around. As all Real Programmers know, the only useful data +structure is the Array. Strings, lists, structures, sets -- these are all +special cases of arrays and can be treated that way just as easily without +messing up your programing language with all sorts of complications. The worst +thing about fancy data types is that you have to declare them, and Real +Programming Languages, as we all know, have implicit typing based on the first +letter of the (six character) variable name. + + + + + + + + + OPERATING SYSTEMS + ----------------- + + What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer? CP/M? God +forbid -- CP/M, after all, is basically a toy operating system. Even little +old ladies and grade school students can understand and use CP/M. + + Unix is a lot more complicated of course -- the typical Unix hacker +never can remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- but when it +gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't do Serious +Work on Unix systems: they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write +adventure games and research papers. + + No, your Real Programmer uses OS\370. A good programmer can find and +understand the description of the IJK305I error he just got in his JCL manual. +A great programmer can write JCL without referring to the manual at all. A +truly outstanding programmer can find bugs buried in a 6 megabyte core dump +without using a hex calculator. (I have actually seen this done.) + + OS is a truly remarkable operating system. It's possible to destroy +days of work with a single misplaced space, so alertness in the programming +staff is encouraged. The best way to approach the system is through a keypunch. +Some people claim there is a Time Sharing system that runs on OS\370, but after +careful study I have come to the conclusion that they were mistaken. + + + PROGRAMMING TOOLS + ---------------- + + What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In theory, a Real +Programmer could run his programs by keying them into the front panel of the +computer. Back in the days when computers had front panels, this was actually +done occasionally. Your typical Real Programmer knew the entire bootstrap +loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in whenever it got destroyed by his +program. (Back then, memory was memory -- it didn't go away when the power went +off. Today, memory either forgets things when you don't want it to, or +remembers things long after they're better forgotten.) Legend has it that +Seymore Cray, inventor of the Cray I supercomputer and most of Control Data's +computers, actually toggled the first operating system for the CDC7600 in on +the front panel from memory when it was first powered on. Seymore, needless to +say, is a Real Programmer. + + One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems programmer for Texas +Instruments. One day he got a long distance call from a user whose system had +crashed in the middle of saving some important work. Jim was able to repair the +damage over the phone, getting the user to toggle in disk I/O instructions at +the front panel, repairing system tables in hex, reading register contents back +over the phone. The moral of this story: while a Real Programmer usually +includes a keypunch and lineprinter in his toolkit, he can get along with just +a front panel and a telephone in emergencies. + + + + + + + + In some companies, text editing no longer consists of ten engineers +standing in line to use an 029 keypunch. In fact, the building I work in +doesn't contain a single keypunch. The Real Programmer in this situation has to +do his work with a "text editor" program. Most systems supply several text +editors to select from, and the Real Programmer must be careful to pick one +that reflects his personal style. Many people believe that the best text +editors in the world were written at Xerox Palo Alto Research Center for use on +their Alto and Dorado computers [3]. Unfortunately, no Real Programmer would +ever use a computer whose operating system is called SmallTalk, and would +certainly not talk to the computer with a mouse. + + Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been incorporated into +editors running on more reasonably named operating systems -- EMACS and VI +being two. The problem with these editors is that Real Programmers consider +"what you see is what you get" to be just as bad a concept in Text Editors as +it is in women. No the Real Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it" +text editor -- complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. TECO, to +be precise. + + It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more closely +resembles transmission line noise than readable text [4]. One of the more +entertaining games to play with TECO is to type your name in as a command line +and try to guess what it does. Just about any possible typing error while +talking with TECO will probably destroy your program, or even worse -- +introduce subtle and mysterious bugs in a once working subroutine. + + For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to actually edit a +program that is close to working. They find it much easier to just patch the +binary object code directly, using a wonderful program called SUPERZAP (or its +equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so well that many working programs +on IBM systems bear no relation to the original FORTRAN code. In many cases, +the original source code is no longer available. When it comes time to fix a +program like this, no manager would even think of sending anything less than a +Real Programmer to do the job -- no Quiche Eating structured programmer would +even know where to start. This is called "job security". + + Some programming tools NOT used by Real Programmers: + + * FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. The Cuisinarts of + programming -- great for making Quiche. See comments above on + structured programming. + + * Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read core dumps. + + * Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle creativity, destroy + most of the interesting uses for EQUIVALENCE, and make it impossible + to modify the operating system code with negative subscripts. Worst of + all, bounds checking is inefficient. + + * Source code maintenance systems. A Real Programmer keeps his code + locked up in a card file, because it implies that its owner cannot + leave his important programs unguarded [5]. + + + + + + + + THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK + --------------------------- + + Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind of programs are +worthy of the efforts of so talented an individual? You can be sure that no +Real Programmer would be caught dead writing accounts-receivable programs in +COBOL, or sorting mailing lists for People magazine. A Real Programmer wants +tasks of earth-shaking importance (literally!). + + * Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing + atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers. + + * Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding + Russian transmissions. + + * It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers + working for NASA that our boys got to the moon and back before + the Russkies. + + * Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operating + systems for cruise missiles. + + Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work at the Jet +Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of them know the entire operating +system of the Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft by heart. With a combination of +large ground-based FORTRAN programs and small spacecraft-based assembly +language programs, they are able to do incredible feats of navigation and +improvisation -- hitting ten-kilometer wide windows at Saturn after six years +in space, repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and +batteries. Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a pattern-matching +program into a few hundred bytes of unused memory in a Voyager spacecraft that +searched for, located, and photographed a new moon of Jupiter. + + The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a gravity assist +trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter. This trajectory passes within 80 ++/-3 kilometers of the surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a PASCAL +program (or a PASCAL programmer) for navigation to these tolerances. + + As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers work for the U.S. +Government -- mainly the Defense Department. This is as it should be. +Recently, however, a black cloud has formed on the Real Programmer horizon. It +seems that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense Department decided +that all Defense programs should be written in some grand unified language +called "ADA" ((C), DoD). For a while, it seemed that ADA was destined to +become a language that went against all the precepts of Real Programming -- a +language with structure, a language with data types, strong typing, and +semicolons. In short, a language designed to cripple the creativity of the +typical Real Programmer. Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD has enough +interesting features to make it approachable -- it's incredibly complex, +includes methods for messing with the operating system and rearranging memory, +and Edsgar Dijkstra doesn't like it [6]. (Dijkstra, as I'm sure you know, was +the author of "GoTos Considered Harmful" -- a landmark work in programming +methodology, applauded by PASCAL programmers and Quiche Eaters alike.) Besides, +the determined Real Programmer can write FORTRAN programs in any language. + + + + + + + + The Real Programmer might compromise his principles and work on +something slightly more trivial than the destruction of life as we know it, +providing there's enough money in it. There are several Real Programmers +building video games at Atari, for example. (But not playing them -- a Real +Programmer knows how to beat the machine every time: no challenge in that.) +Everyone working at LucasFilm is a Real Programmer. (It would be crazy to turn +down the money of fifty million Star Trek fans.) The proportion of Real +Programmers in Computer Graphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mostly +because nobody has found a use for computer graphics yet. On the other hand, +all computer graphics is done in FORTRAN, so there are a fair number of people +doing graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs. + + Real Programmers... p. 7 + + + THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY + --------------------------- + + Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works -- with +computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do +what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express +this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step out of the +office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on recognizing +Real Programmers away from the computer room: + + * At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking + about operating system security and how to get around it. + + * At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays + against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper. + + * At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in + the sand. + + * At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George. And he + almost had the sort routine working before the coronary." + + * In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running + the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could + trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time. + + + + + + + THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT + ------------------------------------- + + What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? +This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering +the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put him (or +her) in an environment where he can get his work done. + + The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal. +Surrounding this terminal are: + + * Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in + roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office. + + * Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally, + there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, + the cups will contain Orange Crush. + + * Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OS JCL manual and the + Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages. + + * Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calendar for the year 1969. + + * Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled + cheese bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they + can't get any worse while waiting in the vending machine. + + * Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff + Oreos for special occasions. + + * Underneath the Oreos is a flowcharting template, left there by the + previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not + documentation. Leave that to the maintenance people.) + + + The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a +stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad response +time doesn't bother the Real Programmer -- it gives him a chance to catch a +little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule pressure on the +Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging by working on some +small but interesting part of the problem for the first nine weeks, then +finishing the rest in the last week, in two or three 50-hour marathons. This +not only impresses the hell out of his manager, who was despairing of ever +getting the project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing +the documentation. In general: + + * No Real Programmer works 9 to 5 (unless it's the ones at night). + + * Real Programmers don't wear neckties. + + * Real Programmers don't wear high-heeled shoes. + + * Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch [9]. + + * A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does, + however, know the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table. + + * Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open at + three in the morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee. + + + + + + + + THE FUTURE + ---------- + + What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers +that the latest generation of computer programmers are not being brought up +with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of them have never seen a +computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days +can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are +soft -- protected from the realities of programming by source level debuggers, +text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly" operating systems. +Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees +without ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix +hackers and PASCAL programmers? + + From my experience, I can only report that the future is bright for +Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS\370 nor FORTRAN show any signs of dying +out, despite all the efforts of PASCAL programmers the world over. Even more +subtle tricks, like adding structured coding constructs to FORTRAN have failed. +Oh sure, some computer vendors have come out with FORTRAN 77 compilers, but +every one of them has a way of converting itself back into a FORTRAN 66 +compiler at the drop of an option card -- to compile DO loops like God meant +them to be. + + Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it once was. The +latest release of Unix has the potential of an operating system worthy of any +Real Programmer -- two different and subtly incompatible user interfaces, an +arcane and complicated teletype driver, virtual memory. If you ignore the fact +that it's "structured", even 'C' programming can be appreciated by the Real +Programmer: after all, there's no type checking, variable names are seven (ten? +eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer data type is thrown +in -- like having the best parts of FORTRAN and assembly language in one place. +(Not to mention some of the more creative uses for #define.) + + No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the past few years, the +popular press has even commented on the bright new crop of computer nerds and +hackers ([7] and [8]) leaving places like Stanford and M.I.T. for the Real +World. From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on in these +young men and women. As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, +and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in +and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for later. Long live FORTRAN! + + + ACKNOWLEGEMENT + -------------- + + I would like to thank Jan E., Dave S., Rich G., Rich E., for their help +in characterizing the Real Programmer, Heather B. for the illustration, Kathy +E. for putting up with it, and atd!avsdS:mark for the initial inspiration. + + + + + + + + REFERENCES + ---------- + + [1] Feirstein, B., "Real Men don't Eat Quiche", New + York, Pocket Books, 1982. + + [2] Wirth, N., "Algorithms + Data Structures = + Programs", Prentice Hall, 1976. + + [3] Ilson, R., "Recent Research in Text Processing", + IEEE Trans. Prof. Commun., Vol. PC-23, No. 4, + Dec. 4, 1980. + + [4] Finseth, C., "Theory and Practice of Text Editors + -- or -- a Cookbook for an EMACS", B.S. Thesis, + MIT/LCS/TM-165, Massachusetts Institute of + Technology, May 1980. + + [5] Weinberg, G., "The Psychology of Computer + Programming", New York, Van Nostrand Reinhold, + 1971, p. 110. + + [6] Dijkstra, E., "On the GREEN language submitted to + the DoD", Sigplan notices, Vol. 3 No. 10, Oct + 1978. + + [7] Rose, Frank, "Joy of Hacking", Science 82, Vol. 3 + No. 9, Nov 82, pp. 58-66. + + [8] "The Hacker Papers", Psychology Today, August 1980. + + [9] sdcarl!lin, "Real Programmers", UUCP-net, Thu Oct + 21 16:55:16 1982 + + + + +#include + +In-Real-Life: John Ioannidis +E-Mail-To: (preferred), or +P-Mail-To: GIP-Altair, Dom de Voluceau BP105, Rocquencourt 78153 Le Chesnay, FR +V-Mail-To: +33 1 39635227, +33 1 39635417 + + ... It's all greek to me + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realphre.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realphre.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bd6b67f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realphre.hum @@ -0,0 +1,153 @@ + ___________________________ + | | + *REAL PHREAKERS GUIDE VOL. 1* + | | + * typed and created by * + | | + * Taran King * + | and | + * Knight Lightning * + | | + * Written on 6/10/85 * + |___________________________| + + This guide is written in the same stream as the Real Pirates Guides, but for +the Real Phreak. This is basically what real phreaks do and don't do according +to other real phreaks... "Written by Real Phreaks for Real Phreaks". This +phile has been written with the compiled ideas of phreaks other than the two +writers listed in the intro. Therefore, we have a wider view of what you should +be like. Well...on with the show!!! + _____________________________________________________________ + + Phone Phreak - (as defined by Forest Ranger) In the mid- 1970's, cheating the +phone company became the great national pasttime among a select group known as +"Phone Phreaks". These hearty young souls knew more about the phone network +than many AT&T engineers, and they learned most of it by reading AT&T technical +journals and by experimenting with their own phones. But today, the Phone +Phreaks have been hurt by a mass group known as the "Rodents". These Rodents +have caused much pain and sorrow to what we know today as phreaking. This phile +will show the do's and don't's of a real Phone Phreak... + _____________________________________________________________ + + + Real phreaks don't just leech off of BBS messages for their codes. + + Corollary: Real phreaks know that codes posted on BBS's are the most used and +are probably the closest to being unsafe. Also, it is a known fact that pheds +occasionally plant trap codes (codes with traces) to catch the phreak at work. + + Real phreaks don't worry about spelling. If their preference of spelling cool +(K00L) is different from someone elses, they don't worry about what they say. + + Real phreaks don't try to bluebox from their home if they have ESS. + + Corollary: Real phreaks know that almost anything on ESS besides phreaking +from your home is unsafe! + + Real phreaks don't call out of state Atari boards (unless they of course are +an Atari looking for wares) unless it is a phreak board (a rare case!). + + Real phreaks don't even attempt to use 2400 baud on extenders. + + Corollary: Real phreaks hope for the day that MCI/Sprint/Metro/etc. make it +safe for phreaks to do 2400 baud transmissions. + + Corollary 2: Real phreaks know that extenders are the same as phreak numbers +as MCI and any other service. + + Real phreaks read the Basic Telecommunications philes by BIOC Agent 003 to +find out what is safe and what is not. + + Real phreaks have been on a conference. + + Corollary: Real phreaks know how, and could at their will, any time, set up a +conference. + + Real phreaks don't try to use pulse fones on an extender. + + Corollary: If they don't have a touch tone fone, they know to use Travelnet's +voice verification (even though it's not the safest to use from your home). + + Real phreaks don't have problems obtaining numbers to their local long +distance service. + + Corollary: Real phreaks don't post messages asking for the number to the +local long distance service dial-up. + + Real phreaks don't spend hours redialing Diversi-Dials all over the country, +knowing that they are basically the same, and it won't help to keep the code +valid. + + Corollary: Real phreaks don't call Diversi-Dials to get recognition on their +name because they know that other people call up Diversi-Dials under false +handles of other phreaks to get attention. + + Real phreaks pirate. + + Real phreaks don't work for any government agency. + + Real phreaks don't bust other phreaks (for any reason). + + Real phreaks know that P-80 isn't a legal board for you to call and voice your +opinion about tHe new P-80 model of the TRS computer. + + Corollary: Real phreaks don't call boards named "H.O.M.E.", "Family Circus", +or anything else that indicates family outings on the BBS's. + + Real phreak boards aren't named "Phreak/Hack Centre USA" and have their number +posted on the Compu-Serve national BBS listing. + + Real phreaks have better things to do with their time than have Compu-Sex +through a Diversi-Dial, E-mail, or any Dial-Your-Match BBS. + + Corollary: Real phreaks get the real thing. + + Real phreaks don't listen to Duran Duran...ever! + + Corollary: Real phreaks change the channel with swiftness if they hear any +gay group come onto the channel they are listening to. + + Real phreaks aren't named "Mr. Phreak" on boards like "H.O.M.E." or any legal +board. + + Corollary: Real phreaks can think up a creative name unlike "Mr. Phreak" for +their permanant name. + + Real phreaks don't watch Saturday morning cartoons. + + Real phreaks don't use their codes to call up sysops of boards all overthe +country to bother them voice for hours. + + Real phreaks don't have to start G-philes disks by leeching off of other +phreaks because they are original enough to realize that they are readily +available on most phreak boards. + + Real phreaks can spot a rodent 10 miles away. + + Real phreaks don't watch the Bible Banger's shows on Sunday mornings. + + Real phreaks know how to separate phreak messages and hack messages. + + _____________________________________________________________ + + + Well, that about wraps it up for Real Phreakers Guide Volume 1. If there is +already a volume one for a Real Phreakers Guide, well, this is our volume one. +If any of this is copied from your Real Phreakers Guide, we apologize, but this +has all been original. This has been brought around with the help of the +following phreaks: + + Forest Ranger, The Lone Ranger, Napoleon Solo, and other minor phreaks that I +might have missed. + + + + Real Phreakers Guide Volume 1 --- by Taran King and Knight + + Lightning + + + From Metal Shop: Dark Tower Phase II --- 314-432-0756 + Many more philes where this one came from!!! +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpir.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpir.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..78bc0ff1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpir.hum @@ -0,0 +1,81 @@ +!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*! +!*! !*! +!*! Your Guide to 'REAL PIRATE'S GUIDES' !*! +!*! by the oracle !*! +!*! !*! +!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*! + + Sorry, folks, just felt I had to get this out. So many damn 'Real Pirate's +Guides' have been coming out that it has become something just to do for fun. +In this textfile I will outline the rules for ACCEPTABLE pirates, and not just +to be funny...I think this shit has gone long enough. It will also (and above +all) tell what is UNACCAPTABLE for a pirate. Well, on with it! + + It still stands that true pirates are at least 15 years old. I have seen some +exceptions, but these have been around older pirates for a long time and already +knew what they were getting into! + + It doesn't matter about a pirate's behavior. He may be the meanest guy in the +high seas (sorry about that..) but could still be a damn good pirate. But since +the number of that kind of pirate seems to be on the rise, there may be no +pirates of tomorrow. Well, very few. Pirates are ENCOURAGED to help beginners, +but we all have our Captain Bob's to pick on. + + Real pirates DO NOT LEACH, even though SYSOPS of AE's say they don't mind it. +Get several AE's and if one has something another doesn't have, get it and give +it to the other. Pass it around, don't hog your wares and say 'no, call this AE +and get it'!! + + Oh: Real AE lines aren't leach lines. Good SYSOPS are active and get all the +new wares for their AE they can. LEACH LINES SUCK! The SYSOP's are (generally) +assholes. The only exceptions are those who don't have time for it (as opposed +to those who get tired of waiting for uploads). And these aren't real pirates +anyway! + + Real pirates keep the same general image during their whole career, changing +it gradually when there is any criticism. Don't make rapid changes! For +example, don't switch from cuss-out wars to questions about programming and +really philisophical messages. + + Pirates know how to PROGRAM!! And understand their computers!!! If you're +going to ask a stupid question, put it on a board you don't leave messages on +too often and make it anonymous. But if you do this do so in the knowledge that +you are STILL ON YOUR WAY to being a pirate! Most good pirates are geniuses who +rarely display their knowledge. + + It isn't necessary for a pirate to krack, but he better have a damn good +understanding about his computer. Sorry for rehashing this but I think it is +THE NUMBER ONE thing a pirate should know. + + Real pirates know that there is always room for improvement. THERE IS NO SUCH +THING AS THE PERFECT PIRATE! A pirate might be the greatest alive but he still +isn't perfect! True pirates don't go for fads; they have their own lifestyles, +and if anybody doesn't like it, tough shit for them! + + Pirates think before they choose a name or before they enter a message. Think +about what other people will think! This may seem to contradict what I just +said, but there are certain limits of dignity!! On the keyboard, anyway. + + And pirates know how to raise all hell when anybody says anything about them. +And not just pure cusswords; Pirates are strategic in their attacks. They know +what hurts, and they use it wisely. + +----------- + + I hope this helps any beginning pirates and sets the record straight about +actions a pirate should make. Of course, no 'guide' can be absolutely complete; +But I tried to give you the general idea of a pirate's character, and what he +should know (everything!) before he can call himself a pirate. + + Good luck, and happy hacking (what pirates do for fun)! + + the oracle + +[=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=] +[ ] +[ THE TRADING POST ] +[ 504 - 291 - 4970 ] +[ ] +[=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=] +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpir.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpir.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c4e5fabc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpir.txt @@ -0,0 +1,327 @@ + + + +************************************** +* High Society presents... * +* * +* The Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2 * +* * +* compiled by * +* Ctrl-Reset * +*************************************** + + +Finally! After a few cheap imitations, +the second volume of Rabid Rasta's +Real Pirate's Guide. Since RR has left +for the college scene, and I worked +closely with him on the first version, +you'll have to put up with me for this +installment. + +---------- + +As stated in the first edition of The +Real Pirate's Guide, there are a lot +of pirates; unfortunately, a vast +majority of them are morons. For this +reason, these "guides" have been as- +sembled to aid in the growth and matur- +ity of the younger pirate generation. +Which brings us to the golden rule of +pirating: "REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 +YEARS OF AGE"(exceptions are few, like +if one was a beta-tester for +Broderbund, we could let that slide). + +What follows is a compendium of all the +ideals and morals a Real Pirate should +possess. Note that some have been +taken over from the first Guide because +of their high value, and because these +rules are still widely knocked around. + + +---------- + +[SOFTWARE] + +Real Pirates can appreciate the differ- +ence between "Karateka," and "Competi- +tion Karate". + +Real Pirates have long-since deleted +"Caverns of Freitag," "Mr. Cool," +"Trompers," "Jenny of the Prairie," +and still couldn't give a sack of dog +dicks about anything from Avalon Hill, +SSI, and especially Scott Adams(AI). + +Corollary: Real Pirates would jump +at the chance to "help" Adventure +International go Chapter 11. + +Real Pirates aren't obsessed with the +never-ending quest of collecting all +12 sides of "Time Zone". + +Real Pirates respect the programming +and creative talents of those working +for Broderbund, Infocom, and Electron- +ic Arts, and congratulate them on a +valiant attempt to make money. + +Real Pirates didn't get excessively +excited upon the release of "Soft- +Porn Adventure," "Strip Poker," or +anything of the sort. + +Real Pirates respect the efforts of +other pirates to sell his or her own programs, but would distribute them +at them drop of a hat. + +Real Pirates pirates aren't just +"learning assembly." Or even worse, +"machine language." + +Real Pirates don't contemplate why +their Apple II+ w/48k won't run +"King's Quest," or "DazzleDraw." + +Real Pirates know that the Mail +Trading Club, run by The Professor, is +the biggest mail-order scam/rip-off +since X-Ray glasses. + +Real Pirates aren't anticipating the +release of the follow-up to "The +Phillistine Ploy." + +Real Pirates know that Lord British is +not the Monarch of any European empire. + +Real Pirates know that "Road Pizza" was +either a very good joke, or a very bad +game. + +Real Pirates play "Karateka". + + +[MODEMING/BBS'] + + +When posting a message, Real Pirates +can differentiate between: 'z' and 's', +'ph' and 'f', '2' and 'two', 'u' and +'you', '0' and 'O', '4' and 'for', and +'x' and 'ks'. + +Corollary: Real Pirates have long- +since rg7ses{ed thg ability to punctu- +ate, spell and construct clear, well +organized sentences. + +Corollary to the corollary: Real +Pirates aren't constantly searching for +new ways to spell "WARES". + +Real Pirates don't use the prefix "k-" +(ie. k-k00l, k-awesome, k-mart). + +Real Pirates use lower case. + +Real Pirates don't use text graphics. + +Real Pirates don't use imbedded back- +spacing. + +Real Pirates don't post "I have" mes- +sages, when they really don't have. + +Real Pirates aren't to impressed with +"spinny" cursors, and turn them off +upon logging onto such boards. + +Real Pirates don't try to impress +others with their superior ability to +add many carriage returns at the end +of a message, thus preventing anyone +from reading the last few lines. + +Real Pirates don't brag about people +they know, or clubs they are in to +the point of becoming obnoxious. +(ie."RACKRACKRACKRACKRACKRACKRACK",etc) + +Real Pirates don't obtain their +"phreak" codes from the local Net-Works "super-elite hack board". + +Real Pirates use the latest version +of ASCII Express "Pro". + +Real Pirates, when trading with another Real Pirate, are not concerned with +matching everything the other pirate +sends them. Real Pirates are happy to +send wares to other Real Pirates simply because they are in the same business. +(ie. no, "I send you 3 sides, you send +me 3 sides") + +Real Pirates don't wait for BBS' to +print-out their "goodbye" message, they +hang-up. + +Real Pirates always have a copy of +"Disk-fer" or "Cat-Send" handy, or both. +Real Pirates don't end their messages +with, "leave e-mail to [xxx xxx]," or +anything of the sort. + +Corollary: Real Pirates don't respond +to such messages, and in no way use +them as a means to get "new wares." + +Real Pirates aren't found to frequent +the local "Bitch Board". + +Real Pirates know that Der Fuhrer is +a total and complete looser, and also +know that the most he ever did to distribute anything was "send it to a few peo +ple."(what everyone else does) + +Real Pirates don't have to "ask" if one +has an Apple Cat, Real Pirates "assume" one has an Apple Cat. + +Corollary: Real Pirates know that a +"cat"--when referred to by another +pirate--is not a small, furry mammal in +the genus of a tiger(unless specificly +pointed out as such.) + +Corollary to the corollary: Real +Pirates couldn't give a bucket of +hampster vomit about anything pertain- +ing to anyone else's pet. + +Real Pirates don't make threats of +violence against others through the +phone lines. After all, how is someone +living in Acron, Ohio going to "beat +the living shit out of" someone living +in Waco, Texas? Not through Zap Mail, +that's for sure. + +Real Pirates know that the disclaimers +often stuck in by BBS sysops do little +more then waste 20-40 bytes of RAM. + +Real Pirates don't post messages +telling us what is "old", so they can +fill some space, thus making it look +like they actually had a reason to post +something relavent. + +Real Pirates don't think it's keen to +be able to put '/EX' on a line by it- +self, and have it included in the mess- +age. + +Real Pirates have a "sixth sense" that +tells them which board to post a cer- +tain message on(ie. no "new wares" mes- +sages on the "Famous People Which I +Have Met" board). + +Real Pirates can spot a Net-Works BBS +miles away. + + +[GROUPS/NAMES] + +Real Pirates names aren't parodies of +other respectable pirates (ie. The Male +Nurse of Magenta Bag, Franklin Bandit, +5 1/4" Jockey, etc.). + +Real Pirates names have no association +to any type of music whatsoever (ie. +Green Manalishi, The Scorpion,etc.). + +Never is the prefix "Krack", or "Crack" found in a Real Pirates name unless +they actually can crack, and don't just +have one. + +Real Pirates know that M.P.G does not +stand for 'Miles Per Gallon', 'Many +Pieces of Gravel', 'My Prick is Green', +or anything of the sort. + +Corollary: Real Pirates would never +think of forming, or joining another +group with the suffix "P.G.", standing +for "Pirates Guild"(three is enough). + +Real Pirates aren't named: The Ace, +The Zapman, Lord Fagan, Captain Bly, +Pac-Rat, The Wrench, The Caretaker, +The Lumberjack, Mr. Party, The Fly, +Happy Hacker, or Der Fuhrer. + + +[MISCELLANEOUS] + +When talking with a Real Pirate on the +phone, you can be assured of not hear- +ing Culture Club or the Pointer Sisters +being played stridently in the back- +ground. + +Real Pirates are not offended by +articles in NewsWeek simply because +they make a few dorogatory remarks +about BBS/modem users, and do not use +this weak reason for making the +author's life miserable. + +Real Pirates weren't dissapointed when +"Fantasy Island" was cancelled, and +didn't worry whether or not the Cuban +midget would ever get another job. + +Real Pirates would like to see a final +episode of "The Love Boat", where Vicky +absent-mindidly throws a lighted joint next to a propane tank, causing the ship + to go up in a terrific display of fire and smoke, whilst seeing the heads and b +odyparts of "your crew" scattered about the water. + +Real Pirates watch "Late Night with +David Lettermen." + +Real Pirates just don't give a damn! + +---------- + +Well, that's it. For now. If you were +at all offended by anything in this +article, that's your que to retire from +pirating, because after all, Real +Pirates aren't offended by things +contained in text files. + +I would like to thank The Cloak for his +helpful contributions and input. + +*************************************** +* * +* TELEMATION 914-362-1422 * +* THE CRUSIFICTION 914-429-5616 * +* CASTLE BRASS 415-345-2134 * +* * +*************************************** + +************** +* * +* TELEMATION 914-362-1422 * +* THE CRUSIFICTION 914-429-5616 * +* CASTLE BRASS 415-345-2134 * +* vFCzrpKh(>IC:p~A >KgJVv@ke:^~&('Kp + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpira.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpira.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8b1a4101 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpira.hum @@ -0,0 +1,206 @@ +[/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] +[\] [/] +[/] THE REAL PIRATE'S GUIDE [\] +[\] [/] +[/] COMPILED BY [\] +[\] RABID RASTA [/] +[/] [\] +[\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] + + + +[SIMULATION] + +FROM-> JHONNY THE AVENGER +DATE-> SAT AUG 4 10:21 PM + +I SAW YOUR MESSAGE ON THE PIRATE BOARD ABOUT YOU HAVEING SIDE 2 OF SUMMER GAM +ES!MY CONNECTIONS MR.ZEROX AND CHEIF S URGEN BLACK BAG ARE'NT AROUND TO MAIL IT +2 ME SO WANNA DO SOME SERIUS TRADEI NG?I HAVE GRAFORTH ,CHOPLIFTER ,MARS CARS +,DISK MUNCHER AND SOME K00L OTHER + +STUFF AND GAMES.CALL ME AT 312-323- 3741.IF YOU NEED PHREAK CODES I HAVE THEM +TO AND BOX PLANS.BYE + + + *** ***** ** + * * * * +* * * ****** + ** HONNY * HE * * VENGER + + + +*THE KNIGHTS OF MYSTERIOUS KEYBOARDS*! + + THE AWESOMEST HACK GROUP IN TOWN + + +IS THE AUTHOR OF THE ABOVE MESSAGE A TRUE PIRATE? SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME +THERE HAS BEEN AN IMPLICIT CODE OF ETIQUETTE GOVERNING THE ACTIONS OF SOFTWARE +PIRATES, BUT AS MANY OF YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED AS OF LATE, THAT CODE HAS BEEN +KNOCKED AROUND A BIT. ALTHOUGH IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO DIFFERENTIATE A TRUE +PIRATE FROM ONE OF THESE POOR IMI TATIONS, I BELIEVE THAT, WITH THE NUM- BER OF +TRUE PIRATES DECREASING AT SUCH AN ALARMING RATE, THIS CODE SHOULD BE SET +STRAIGHT. AFTER ALL, ALTHOUGH "JHONNY" IS ADMITTEDLY A MORON, IT'S NOT HIS +FAULT THAT HE NEVER RECEIVED PROPER GUIDANCE. + + +ONE OF THE FIRST AND FOREMOST RULES OF PIRACY: REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS +OLD! EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE ARE EX- TREMELY RARE AT BEST. + +COROLLARY: YOU NEVER HAVE TO WONDER WHO BREEDED MICKEY MOUSE WITH A 2600 HZ +TONE TO PRODUCE A REAL PIRATE'S VOICE. + + + + +ALIASES +------- + +REAL PIRATES ARE MORE IMAGINATIVE THAN TO USE THE WORD "COPY" IN THEIR ALIAS. + +COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES AREN'T NAMED "MR. COPY" BECAUSE REAL PIRATES DON'T +BRAG ABOUT CRACKING DUNG BEETLES. + +THE WORD "CRACK" (OR "KRACK") IS FOUND NOWHERE IN A REAL PIRATE'S NAME...UN- +LESS HE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO. + +REAL PIRATES' ALIASES DON'T SOUND AS IF THEY WERE EXTRACTED FROM THE LYRICS OF +AN OZZY OZBOURNE SONG (I.E. PROVISIONER OF SATAN, BLACK AVENGER, DARK PHANTOM, +ETC.). + +REAL PIRATES DON'T NAME THEMSELVES AF- TER HEAVY METAL GROUPS. + +REAL PIRATES, IF NAMED AFTER SOME AS- PECT OF PIRATE LEGEND (I.E. JOLLY ROGER, +CAPTAIN HOOK, EYE PATCH, ETC.) DON'T SAY, "AVAST YE SCURVY DOGS," OR ANYTHING +OF THE LIKE. + +REAL PIRATES' NAMES AREN'T PARODIES OF OTHER REPUTABLE PIRATES (I.E. RESIDENT +OF LAVENDER BAG, MR. PAC MAN, FRANKLIN BANDIT, ETC.). + +REAL PIRATES DON'T NAME THEMSELVES AF- TER ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES (I.E. JACK +DANIELS, HARVEY WALLBANGER, JIM BEAM, ETC.) ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'VE NEVER HAD +ONE. + +REAL PIRATES SPELL THEIR ALIASES COR- RECTLY (UNLIKE "THE POENIX"). + +REAL PIRATES AREN'T NAMED SAM HOUSTON, SIR SPANKY, THE GAMEMASTER, LORD FAGEN, +NIKKI SIX, (INSERT YOUR OWN LOSERS HERE), OR MR. COPY. + + +WARES +----- + +REAL PIRATES WOULD NEVER THINK OF DE- LETING "SABOTAGE". IT'S TOO MUCH FUN +IMAGINING THOSE LITTLE MEN ARE ACTUAL- LY SIR KNIGHT. + +REAL PIRATES PLAY "BILESTOAD". + +REAL PIRATES HAVE LONG SINCE DELETED "SNEAKERS", "E.T.", "ALIEN MUNCHIES", "BUG +BATTLE", "SNACK ATTACK", AND EVERYTHING FROM SSI, AVALON HILL, AND SCOTT ADAMS. + +REAL PIRATES UPLOAD. THEY REALIZE THAT LEECHING IS THE #2 SIN (BEHIND, OF +COURSE, BEING 13 YEARS OLD). + +REAL PIRATES REALIZE THAT PENGUIN AREN'T REALLY "THE GRAPHICS PEOPLE". + +REAL PIRATES FEEL GUILTY WHEN PIRATING BEAGLE BROTHERS. OF COURSE, THAT NEVER +STOPS THEM. + +REAL PIRATES DON'T BELIEVE THE MORONS WHO SAY THEY HAVE ULTIMA IV AND POLE +POSITION. + +COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES REALIZE THAT THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FORMULA I +RACER AND POLE POSITION. + + +BOARDS +------ +REAL PIRATES AREN'T THE FIFTH TO POST THE SAME "I HAVE..." MESSAGE. + +CORROLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T POST "I HAVE..." MESSAGES WHEN THEY REALLY DON'T +HAVE. + +REAL PIRATES DON'T DOWNLOAD PROGRAMS FROM PUBLIC AE'S AND THEN POST "I KNOW +IT'S OLD, BUT I HAVE...TOO" MESSAGES ON PIRATE BOARDS. + +REAL PIRATES DON'T POST THEIR HIGH SCORES. + +COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T KEEP SCORE. + +REAL PIRATES DON'T SAY "K-K00L", "K-AWESOME", "X10DER", "L8R0N", OR ANYTHING OF +THE SORT. + +REAL PIRATES KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BE- TWEEN "F" AND "PH" (I.E. "PHILES", +"PHUCK", "FONE", ETC.). + +REAL PIRATES DON'T WASTE EVERYONE'S TIME BACKSPACING OVER THEIR ALIAS 50 TIMES. + +COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T USE BACKSPACING IN FEEDBACK TO SYSOPS. (SYSOPS +DON'T READ FEEDBACK AT 300 BAUD) + +REAL PIRATES NEVER USE TEXT GRAPHICS IN THEIR MESSAGES. + +REAL PIRATES DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CURSE BBS'S "K-K00L M0DS". + +REAL PIRATES DON'T SEARCH FOR NEW WAYS TO SPELL "WARES". + +REAL PIRATES DON'T USE THE LAST 5 LINES OF THEIR MESSAGES BRAGGING ABOUT THE 8 +MEANINGLESS ORGANIZATIONS THAT THEY BELONG TO. + +COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T BELONG TO SWAPP, DOS/NPG, OR NASCOMP. + +REAL PIRATES WHO ARE GBBS SYSOPS ARE PROUD TO HAVE STOLEN FROM GREG SCHAEFER. + +REAL PIRATES ARE SATISFIED WITH ONE EXCLAMATION POINT. + +REAL PIRATES DON'T CALL DIAL-YOUR- MATCH. + +REAL PIRATES NEVER GET INTO "BITCH WARS" UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY ARE GRINDING +SOME 13 YEAR OLD TI USER INTO THE DUST. + + +TRANSFERS +--------- + +REAL PIRATES DON'T DFX. + +REAL PIRATES NO LONGER BUY MICROMODEM II'S, SSM MODEMCARDS, OR NETWORKER +MODEMS. + +COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES BUY APPLE CATS. + +COROLLARY TO THE COROLLARY: REAL PI- RATES ACCEPT THE REALITY THAT 300 BAUD IS +DEAD. + +REAL PIRATES AREN'T AROUND TO TRADE ON FRIDAY OR SATURDAY NIGHTS. + +COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES HAVEN'T WATCHED LOVE BOAT SINCE THEY WERE 13. + +REAL PIRATES TYPE "BRUN AE" WITHOUT THE SPACEBAR IN BETWEEN. + +REAL PIRATES CAN GET DISKFER/CATSEND TO WORK RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. + + + +CONCLUSION +---------- + +THAT'S IT...FOR NOW. SINCE LOSERS IN- VENT NEW WAYS TO BE LOSERS EVERY DAY, +EXPECT A "REAL PIRATE'S GUIDE, VOLUME 2" VERY SOON. + +IF ANY OF YOU WERE TERRIBLY OFFENDED BY ANYTHING IN THIS FILE, THAT'S YOUR CLUE +TO RETIRE FROM THE PIRATE WORLD. AFTER ALL, REAL PIRATES DON'T GET OFFENDED BY +THINGS WRITTEN IN TEXTFILES. + + +THANKS TO THE FOLLOWING FOR THEIR CONTRIBUTIONS TO THIS FILE: + +OTTO SHINEFLUG, CTRL RESET, BIT O'NASTY, LORD CHAOS, NILONIEL I, AND WHATEVER +CON MAN CALLS HIMSELF OUT OF STATE. + + +(C)1984 RABID RASTA; +UBANGI JUNGLE PUBLISHING +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realprgr.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realprgr.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f33df28f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realprgr.txt @@ -0,0 +1,77 @@ + + +Subject: Real Programmers + + +Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming + is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. + They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise + clear desk. +Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make schedules. + Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet + schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules. +Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine + sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they + don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche. +Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, + it should be hard to understand. +Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read + the listings or object deck. +Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Cavemen drew flowcharts and look + how much good it did them. +Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't know how + to spell quiche. They eat twinkles and szechuan food. +Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport that requires you + to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear + their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up + in the middle of the machine room. +Real programmers don't write application programs. They program right down + to the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do + system programming. +Real programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be + written on one line. +Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in + BASIC, after the age of 12. +Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications + programmers. +Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe-stress freaks + and crystallography weenies. +Real programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more + parenthesis than actual code. +Real programmers don't write in PASCAL or BLISS or ADA, or any of those + pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with + weak memories. +Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers who can't + decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. +Real programmers don't write in "C". There has to be something wrong + with a language who's next generation gets a low grade then its prior. +Real programmers write in the machine's native binary code, ASM macros are + those who can't divide HEX numbers in their head. +Real programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves lucky + to get any programs at all and take what they get. +Real programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the + microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat from the CPU. They can + tell which jobs are running from the rate of popping. +Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at + 9am, it's because they were up all night. +Real programmers scorn floating-point arithmetic. The decimal point was + invented for pansy bed wetters who are unable to think big. +Real programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw + them on the machine, they can be patched into working in `only a few' + 30-hour debugging sessions. + + +.....Cheers, + + + + +Programmer Defined: Programmer n. 1. One who claims or appears to be engaged +in the perpetration of programs. 2. The systems analyst's diplomatic attache +at the alien court of the CPU. 3. One engaged in a practical, nonsystematic +study of the halting problem. 4. "A harmless druge."-Lord Bowden, 1953. + +That ought to clear things up..... + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpro.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpro.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7edac4c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpro.hum @@ -0,0 +1,155 @@ + +Real Programmers Don't Use Fortran, Either! + + A recent article devoted to the *macho* side of programming ("Real +Programmers Don't Use Pascal," by ucbvax!G:tut) made the bald and unvarnished +statement + + Real Programmers write in Fortran. + + Maybe they do now, in this decadent era of Lite beer, hand calculators and +"user-friendly" software, but back in the Good Old Days, when the term +"software" sounded funny and Real Computers were made out of drums and vacuum +tubes, Real Programmers wrote in machine code. + + Not Fortran. Not RATFOR. Not, even, assembly language. Machine Code. +Raw, unadorned, inscrutable hexadecimal numbers. Directly. + + Lest a hloe new generation of programmers grow up in ignorance of this +glorious past, I feel duty-bound to describe, as best I can through the +generation gap, how a Real Programmer wrote code. I'll call him Mel, because +that was his name. + + I first met Mel when I went to work for Royal McBee Computer Corp., a +now-defunct subsidiary of the typewriter company. The firm manufactured the +LGP-30, a small, cheap (by the standards of the day) drum-memory computer, and +had just started to manufacture the RPC-4000, a much-improved, bigger, better, +faster -- drum-memory computer. Cores cost too much, and weren't here to stay, +anyway. (That's why you haven't heard of the company, or the computer.) + + I had been hired to write a Fortran compiler for this new marvel and Mel was +my guide to its wonders. Mel didn't approve of compilers. "If a program can't +rewrite its own code," he asked, "what good is it?" + + Mel had written, in hexadecimal, the most popular computer program the +company owned. It ran on the LGP-30 and played blackjack with potential +customers at computer shows. Its effect was always dramatic. The LGP-30 booth +was packed at every show, and the IBM salesmen stood around talking to each +other. Whether or not this actually sold computers was a question we never +discussed. + + Mel's job was to re-write the blackjack program for the RPC-4000. (Port? +What does that mean?) The new computer had a one-plus-one addressing scheme, in +which each machine instruction, in addition to the operation code and the +address of the needed operand, had a second address that indicated where, on +the revolving drum, the next instruction was located. In modern parlance, +every single instruction was followed by a GO TO! + + Put *that* in Pascal's pipe and smoke it. + + Mel loved the RPC-4000 because he could optimize his code: that is, locate +instructions on the drum so that just as one finished its job, the next would +be just arriving at the "read head" and available for immediate execution. +There was a program to do that job, an "optimizing assembler," but Mel refused +to use it. "You never know where its going to put things," he explained, "so +you'd have to use separate constants." + + It was a long time before I understood that remark. Since Mel knew the +numerical value of every operation code, and assigned his own drum addresses, +every instruction he wrote could also be considered a numerical constant. He +could pick up an earlier "add" instruction, say, and multiply by it, if it had +the right numeric value. + + His code was not easy for someone else to modify. + + I compared Mel's hand-optimized programs with the same code massaged by the +optimizing assembly program, and Mel's always ran faster. That was because the +"top-down" method of program design hadn't been invented yyt, and Mel wouldn't +have used it anyway. He wrote the innermost parts of his program loops first, +so they would get first choice of the optimum address locations on the drum. +The optimizing assembler wasn't smart enough to do it that way. + + Mel never wrote time-delay loops, either, even when the balky Flexowriter +required a delay between output characters to work right. He just located +instructions on the drum so each successive one was just *past* the read heaa +when it was needed; the drum had to execute another complete revolution to find +the next instruction. He coined an unforgettable term for this procedure. +Although "optimum" is an absolute term, like "unique", it became common verbal +practice to make it relative: "not quite optimum" or "less optimum" or "not +very optimum." Mel called the maximum time-delay locations the "most pessimum." + + After he finished the blackjack program and got it to run, ("Even the +initializer is optimized," he said proudly) he got a Change Request from the +sales department. The program used an elegant (optimized) random number +generator to shuffle the "cards" and deal from the "deck," and some of the +salesmen felt it was too fair, since sometimes the customers lost. They wanted +Mel to modify the program so, at the setting of a sense switch on the console, +they could change the odds and let the customer win. + + Mel balked. He felt this was patently dishonest, which ii was, and that it +impinged on his personal integrity as a programmer, which it did, so he refused +to do it. + + The Head Salesman talked to Mel, as did the Big Boss and, at the boss's +urging, a few Fellow Programmers. Mel finally gave in and wrote the code, but +he got the test backwards and, when the sense switch was turned on, the program +would cheat, winning every time. Mel was delighted with this, claiming his +subconscious was uncontrollably ethical, and adamantly refused to fix it. + + After Mel had left the company for greener pa$ture$, the Big Boss asked me +to look at the code and see if I could find the test and reverse it. Somewhat +reluctantly, I agreed to look. Tracking Mel's code was a real adventure. + + I have often felt that programming is an art form, whose real value can only +be appreciated by another versed in the same arcane art; there are lovely gems +and brilliant coups hidden from human view and admiration, sometimes forever, +by the very nature of the process. You can learn a lot about an individual +just by reading through his code, even in hexadecimal. Mel was, I think, an +unsung genius. + + Perhaps my greatest shock came when I found an innocent loop that had no +test in it. No test. *None*. Common sense said it had to be a closed loop, +where the program would circle, forever, endlessly. Program control passed +right through it, however, and safely out the other side. It took me two weeks +to figure it out. + + The RPC-4000 computer had a really modern facility called an index register. +It allowed the programmer to write a program loop that used an indexed +instruction inside; each time through, the number in the index register was +added to the address of that instruction, so it would refer to the next datum +in a series. He had only to increment the index register each time through. + + Mel never used it. + + Instead, he would pull the instruction into a machine register, add one to +its address, and store it back. He would then execute the modified instruction +right from the register. The loop was written so this additional execution +time was taken into account -- just as this instruction finished, the next one +was right under the drum's read head, ready to go. + + But the loop had no test in it. + + The vital clue came when I noticed the index register bit, the bit that lay +between the address and the operation code in the instruction word, was turned +on -- yet Mel never used the index register, leaving it zero all the time. +When the light went on it nearly blinded me. + + He had located the data he was working on near the top of memory -- the +largest locations the instructions could address -- so, after the last datum +was handled, incrementing the instruction address would make it overflow. The +carry would add one to the operation code, changing it to the next one in the +instruction set: a jump instruction. Sure enough, the next program +instruction was in address location zero, and the program went happily on its +way. + + I haven't kept in touch with Mel, so I don't know if he ever gave in to the +flood of change that has washed over programming techniques since those +long-goneedays. I like to think he didn't. In any event, I was impressed +enough that I quit looking for the offending test, telling the Big Boss I +couldn't find it. He didn't seem surprised. When I left the company, the +blackjack program would still cheat if you turned on the right sense switch, +and I think that's how it should be. I didn't feel comfortable hacking up the +code of a Real Programmer. + +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realprog.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realprog.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..27ed4b66 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realprog.txt @@ -0,0 +1,61 @@ + + REAL PROGRAMMERS + +REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE SPEC -- USERS SHOULD CONSIDER +THEMSELVES LUCKY TO GET ANY PROGRAMS AT ALL AND TAKE WHAT THEY GET. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T COMMENT THEIR CODE. IF IT WAS HARD TO WRITE, +IT SHOULD BE HARD TO READ. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE APPLICATION PROGRAMS, THEY PROGRAM +RIGHT DOWN ON THE BARE METAL. APPLICATION PROGRAMMING IS FOR FEEBS +WHO CAN'T DO SYSTEM PROGRAMMING. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T EAT QUICHE. THEY EAT TWINKIES, AND SZECHWAN +FOOD. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN COBOL. COBOL IS FOR WIMPY +APPLICATION PROGRAMMERS. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS PROGRAMS NEVER WORK RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. BUT IF +YOU THROW THEM ON THE MACHINE THEY CAN BE PATCHED INTO WORKING ONLY +A FEW 30-HOUR DEBUGGING SESSIONS. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN FORTRAN. FORTRAN IS FOR PIPE STRESS +FREAKS AND CRYSTALLOGRAPHY WEENIES. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS NEVER WORK 0 TO 5. IF ANY REAL PROGRAMMERS ARE +AROUND AT 9 AM, IT'S BECAUSE THEY WERE UP ALL NIGHT. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN BASIC. ACTUALLY, NO PROGRAMMERS +WRITE IN BASIC, AFTER THE AGE OF 12. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN PL/I. PL/I IS FOR PROGRAMMERS WHO +CAN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO WRITE IN COBOL OR FORTRAN. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN APL. ANY FOOL CAN BE OBSCURE IN APL. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T PLAY TENNIS, OR ANY OTHER SPORT THAT REQUIRES +YOU TO CHANGE CLOTHES. MOUNTING CLIMBING IS OK, AND REAL PROGRAMMERS +WEAR THEIR CLIMBING BOOTS TO WORK IN CASE A MOUNTAIN SHOULD SUDDENLY +SPRING UP IN THEN MIDDLE OF THEN MACHINE ROOM. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T DOCUMENT. DOCUMENTATION IS FOR SIMPS WHO CAN'T +READ THE LISTINGS OR THEN OBJECT DECK. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN PASCAL, OR BLISS, OR ADA, OR ANY OF +THOSE PINKO COMPUTER SCIENCE LANGUAGES. STRONG TYPING IS FOR PEOPLE +WITH WEAK MEMORIES. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS KNOW BETTER THAN THE USERS WHAT THEY NEED. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS THINK STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING IS A COMMUNIST PLOT. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T USE SCHEDULES. SCHEDULES ARE FOR MANAGER'S +TOADIES. REAL PROGRAMMERS LIKE TO KEEP THEIR MANAGERS IN SUSPENSE. + +REAL PROGRAMMERS THINK BETTER WHEN PLAYING ADVENTURE. + + + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realrokr.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realrokr.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9940e0e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realrokr.txt @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ + +************************************** +************************************** +** ** +** A Real Rocker's Guide ** +** by ** +** The Rocker ** +** of Beautiful California ** +** (the Va. one sux!) ** +** ** +************************************** +************************************** + + RE-WRITTEN ON SUNDAY, JULY 14, A REAL + HOT AND SUNNY DAY! + + This text file is dedicated to all + the Bay Area rocker's. Keep rockin' + 'till whiplash. Headbang forever. + + SEE YOU AT PRIEST '85'-'86' -TRR + +************************************** + + Real Rocker's never make friends + with new waver's. + + Real Rocker's always wear rock T's. + + Real Rocker's don't go to Depeche + Mode concerts. + + Real Rocker's don't like satan. + + Real Rocker's never listened to + Michael Jackson when they were 10. + + Real Rocker's don't wear studs, only + spikes. + + Real Rocker's plaster their room with + pictures from Randy Rhoads to Maiden. + + Real Rocker's never miss Circus, + Hit Parader, or Metal-rock&roll. + + Real Rocker's have gone to hell of + concerts and always get drunk or + stoned. + + Real Rocker's know that OZZY is and + always will be, KING OF HEAVY METAL. + + Real Rocker's never turn down a good + fuck. + + Real Rocker's don't buy pot, they + grow it. + + Real Rocker's bought Accept's METAL + HEART when it first came out. + + Real Rocker's love to trip on EDDIE + of IRON MAIDEN. + + Real Rocker's know that TWISTED + SISTER kicks ass. + + Real Rocker's are stong as hell. + + Real Rocker's Headbang with Metallica. + + Real Rocker's have always been a + Maiden fan. + + Real Rocker's didn't miss the chance + TO SEE A METALFEST! + + Real Rocker's hate the way punkers + look. + + Real Rocker's are true thrashers. + + Real Rocker's kick ass. + +************************************** + Here's a dedication to new wavers.. + + May a loud HEAVY METAL be blown + u p y o u r a s s! + +************************************** +TRR + HAO + EDC + IK + CE + AR + L KICKS ASS....... + +(C) TRR diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realscie.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realscie.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..31f66273 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realscie.hum @@ -0,0 +1,72 @@ +Real Computer Scientists Don't Write Code + +Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with +'programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count (and +rarely count accurately; precision is for applications.) + +Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are so long +they can't afford the disk space. + +Real computer scientists don't write the user interfaces, they merely argue over +what they should look like. + +Real computer scientists don't eat quiche. They shun Schezuan food since the +hackers discovered it. Many real computer scientists consider eating an +implementation detail. (Others break down and eat with the hackers, but only if +they can have ice cream for desert.) + +If it doesn't have a programming environment complete with interactive debugger, +structure editor and extensive cross module type checking, real computer +scientists won't be seen tinkering with it. They may have to use it to balance +their checkbooks, as their own systems can't. + +Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write in +anything less portable than a number two pencil. + +Real computer scientists don't debug programs, they dynamically modify them. +This is safer, since no one has invented a way to do anything dynamic to +FORTRAN, COBOL or BASIC. + +Real computer scientists like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious +of it because its compiled. (Only Batch freaks and efficiency weirdos bother +with compilers, they're soooo un-dynamic.) + +Real computer scientists play go. They have nothing against the concept of +mountain climbing, but the actual climbing is an implementation detail best left +to programmers. + +Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value, but +they find it difficult to actually program in, as it is much too large to +implement. Most Computer scientists don't notice this because they are still +arguing over what else to add to ADA. + +Real computer scientists work from 5 pm to 9 am because that's the only time +they can get the 8 megabytes of main memory they need to edit specs. (Real work +starts around 2 am when enough MIPS are free for their dynamic systems.) Real +computer scientists find it hard to share 3081s when they are doing 'REAL' work. + +Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on future +hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens will ever +be able to fit on a single planet. + +Real computer scientists like planning their own environments to use bit mapped +graphics. Bit mapped graphics is great because no one can afford it, so their +systems can be experimental. + +Real computer scientists regret the existence of PL/I, PASCAL and LISP. ADA is +getting there, but it is still allows people to make mistakes. + +Real computer scientists love the concept of users. Users are always real +impressed by the stuff computer scientists are talking about; it sure sounds +better than the stuff they are being forced to use now. + +Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has +limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so +poor at I/O. + +Real computer scientists love conventions. No one is expected to lug a 3081 +attached to a bit map screen to a convention, so no one will ever know how slow +their systems run. + +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsoft.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsoft.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f0ceca51 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsoft.hum @@ -0,0 +1,70 @@ +Real Software Engineers Don't Read Dumps + +Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the +rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused. + +Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so +mnemonic they don't have to. + +Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement +algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, +that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though. + +Real software engineers eat quiche. + +If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't +program in it. + +Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the +very thought. + +Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This +process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except +perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. + +Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious +of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine." + +Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport that +involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. (Thus +mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs +to work, but only on very sunny days. + +Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but +they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to their +friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy. + +Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is +described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an +undocumented external procedure. + +Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been +implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is +available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into +account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy. + +Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have +not quite decided on a formal spec yet. + +Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in PROLOG +(they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns out to be +difficult to actually RUN these). + +Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/1 +is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built in +function. + +Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users, either. +Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and +verification of algorithms is all about. + +Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy +hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a +great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at ALL +levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip +over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 +megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages. + +Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF. +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsoft.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsoft.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f141dd81 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsoft.txt @@ -0,0 +1,233 @@ +What is a Real Software Engineer? +(Downloaded from The Cave, Wgtn.) + + Real Software Engineers Don't Read Dumps + ---------------------------------------- + +Real Software Engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on +the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused + +Real Software Engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so +mnemonic tat they don't have to + +Real Software Engineers don't write applications programs; they implement +algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help +with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though + +Real Software Engineers don't eat quiche + +If it doesn't have recursive function calls, Real Software Engineers don't +program in it + +Real Software Engineers don't program in assembler +They become queasy at the very thought + +Real Software Engineers don't debug programs; they verify correctness. This +process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except +perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid program + +Real Software Engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are +suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the +machine" + +Real Software Engineers don't play tennis. In general, they don't like any +sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a +shower. (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear +their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days + +Real Software Engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, +but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to +their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow +unworthy + +Real Software Engineers don't write in languages that have not actually been +implemented for any machine and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is +available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into +account. Machine dependencies make Real Software Engineers very uneasy + +Real Software Engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have +not quite decided on a formal spec yet + +Real Software Engineers like writing their own compilers, preferaby in +PROLOG. (They also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it +turns out to be difficult to actually RUN these) + +Real Software Engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN, and BASIC. +PL/1 is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough - far too much +built in functions + +Real Software Engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users, +either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the +implementation and verification of algorithms is all about + +Real Software Engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy +hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have +a great distrust of hardware people and wish that systems could be virtual at +ALL levels. They would like personal computers except that they need 8 +megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages + + + Real Programmers Don't Write Specs + ---------------------------------- + +Real Programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves lucky +to get any programs at all and take what they get + +Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it +should be hard to understand + +Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food + +Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications +programmers + +Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw +them on the machine, they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour +debugging sessions + +Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks +and crystallography weenies + +Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at +9AM, it's because they were up all night + +Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in +BASIC, after the age of 12 + +Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers who can't +decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN + +Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to +change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers wear their +climbing boots to work, in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the +middle of the machine room + +Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read +the listings or the object deck + +Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those +pinko computer science languages. +Strong typing is for people with weak memories + +Real Programmers can recite powers of 16 up to infinity, write language +translators in SNOBOL to produce COBOL source code, use FORTRAN only for +tricky little programs, never drink lager, never drink decaffelnated coffee, +never smoke low-tar cigarettes + +Real Programmers explain their work (if ever) to their managers in baby-talk +so they will understand it + +Real Programmers don't talk to support center 2nd level people. (Their +working hours are mutually exclusive) + +Real Programmers start assembly of the whole system at 9AM at high priority +so it will be finished by their evening stand-alone time + +Real Programmers don't write in APL +Any fool can be obscure in APL + +Real Programmers think structured programming is a Communist plot + +Real Programmers don't use schedules +Schedules are for managers toadies +Real Programmers like to keep their man suspense + +Real Programmers do it middle out + +Real Programmers enjoy getting CP/M to work on 370 machines and MVS on their +ZX81s + +Real Programmers write their own assemblers, preferably in LISP + +Real Programmers know that good human factors design requires only the +application of common sense. Besides, no one cares about users. Programs +are written for aesthetic beauty + +Real Programmers do not wonder where the bits went following a shift +operation. They do not care + + + Real Computer Scientists Don't Write Specs + ------------------------------------------ + +Real Computer Scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with +"programming systems", but those are so high level that they hardly count, +and rarely count accurately. (Precision is for applications) + +Real Computer Scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are so +long they can't afford the disk space + +Real Computer Scientists don't write the user interfaces; they merely argue +over what they should look like + +Real Computer Scientists don't eat quiche. They shun Szechwan food since the +hackers discovered it. Many Real Computer Scientists consider eating an +implemenation detail + +If it doesn't have a programming environment complete with interface +debugger, structure editor, and extensive cross-module checking, Real +Computer Scientists won't be seen tinkering with it. They may have to use it +to balance their checkbooks, as their own systems can't + +Real Computer Scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write in +anything less portable than a Number Two pencil + +Real Computer Scientists don't debug programs; they dynamically modify them. +This is safer, since no one has invented a way to do anything dynamic +to FORTRAN, COBOL, or BASIC + +Real Computer Scientists like C's structured constructs, but they are +suspicious of it because it is compiled. (Only batch freaks and efficiency +weirdos bother with compilers) + +Real Computer Scientists play Go. They have nothing against the concept of +mountain climbing, but the actual climbing is an implementation detail best +left to programmers + +Real Computer Scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value, but +they find it difficult to actually program in, as it is much too large to +implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are still +arguing over what else to add to ADA + +Real Computer Scientists work from 5pm to 9am because that's the only time +they can get the 8 megabytes of main memory they need to edit specs. (Real +work starts around 2am when enough MIPS are free for their dynamic systems.) +Real Computer Scientists find it hard to share 3081s when they are doing +"real" work + +Real Computer Scientists only write specs for languages that might run on +future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens +will ever be able to fit on a single planet + +Real Computer Scientists like planning their own environments to use +bit-mapped graphics. Bit-mapped graphics is great because no one can afford +it, so their systems can be experimental + +Real Computer Scientists regret the existence of PL/1, PASCAL, and LISP. ADA +is getting there, but it still allows people to make mistakes + +Real Computer Scientists love the concept of users. Users are always real +impressed by the stuff computer scientists are talking about; it sure sounds +better than the stuff they are being forced to use now + +Real Computer Scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has +limitations; software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so +poor at I/O + +Real Computer Scientists love conventions. No one is expected to lug a 3081 +attached to a bit-map screen to a convention, so no one will ever know how +slow their system runs + +Real Computer Scientists don't run IBM hardware. If someone will fix it when +it breaks, it's not spacey enough + + + Real users Don't + ---------------- + +Real Users don't define requirements... +...If these computer folks are so smart, they should KNOW what we want + + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsurf.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsurf.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..733114f7 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsurf.txt @@ -0,0 +1,114 @@ + + _______ _____ _____ + / / / / > / / /\ / ' + /______ / / /_____/ /__ / / \ / + \ / / / \ / / / \ / + _________><_______/ / \ / / / \/ + + + + + +From -- + + + + + How to spot a REAL surfer + --- -- ---- - ==== ------ + + Written by The Phantom Account + + + -written by a surfer- + + + __________________________________________ + + + First of all, I am a surfer and hang out +at the beach all the tyme! I have a FOX +WATER WEAPON and a QUICK SILVER surf +board. + + + +Real surfers are at the beach every day +they can get there. + +Real surfers have girlfriend(s). + +A typical Real surfer favorite line +is "Lifes a beach". + +Real surfers have surfboards! + +Real surfers, most of them, have +skate boards or want to get one. +Usually they are Vision, Madrid, +Santa Cruz or Valterra, but not +always. + +Real surfers dont want plublicity. Or +plublicity of where they surf. + +Real surfers want to travel the world +and surf ever were there is a swell. + +Real surfers know what a swell is! + +Real surfers have the most recent +surfing magazine there is. + +Real surfers have wax at all times " +Mr. Zoggs Sex Wax" + +Real surfers still have the board they +started with. + +Real surfers love to get buzzed! + + +Real surfers watched Fast Times At +Rigmount High, Back to the Future, +and Teen Wolf. + +Real surfers dont care if they wipe +out. + +Real surfers dont have nightmares about +a giant wave comming up and killing +them. I did when i first started out. + +Real surfers always wear a Gotcha, Hobie, +Jimmy'z, JAMS or other name-brand +surf/skate clothes. + +Real surfers dont care what other +people think about how they ride waves. + +Real surfers listen to surf music, like +the Beach Boys, the Surfaris, the +Ventures and the Belairs. + +If a Real surfer had a guitar, it'd be +a Fender Stratocaster. + +Real surfers dream about one day +catching that perfect wave out there. + + +Real surfers dont >only< live on the +west coast or any coast. But most of +them do. + + Well i enjoyed writting this and hope +you enjoyed reading it. + + This has been written for The Bad Boys +by the leader of the club. + +Call--Powerstaion )(--305-871-1461 +--------------------------------------- + + diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsys.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsys.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1002753d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsys.txt @@ -0,0 +1,38 @@ +I have an amusing text file that reminds me of about 2/3 of the sysops in my +area: + REAL SYSOPS DON'T EAT QUICHE. + BY KARL KEMERAIT + ADDITIONS AND REVISIONS BY T BADD + +* Real Sysops don't say they're getting a hard drive. They already have one. +* Real Sysops have 2400 baud. There are a few exceptions. +* Real Sysops have a fan on their computer at all times. +* Real Sysops turn off their monitor as often as possible. +* Real Sysops have their own phone line without 'call-waiting.' +* Real Sysops disconnect their computer's speaker. +* Real Sysops turn off the ringer on their telephone. +* Real Sysops have a clock card. +* Real Sysops don't care if you say that you are putting up + a board next summer. +* Real Sysops avoid 'Chat Mode' as often as possible. +* Real Sysops hate it when you call yourself a 'future sysop.' +* Real Sysops know that it's not the sysops that make a BBS great; it's the + users. +* Real Sysops don't post 'new board' messages on every other board in + town until their board is actually up and running. +* Real Sysops laugh when people say things like 'I have your voice number' + or 'I am a Fed.' +* Real Sysops know that 'phone' is spelled with 'ph' and 'fun' with 'f'. +* Real Sysops don't bother to answer the phone when they're using their + computer because they know the guy will have heart failure and hang up. +* Real Sysops don't change the name of their board every month. +* Real Sysops don't find it amusing when users leave numbers like: + CAN-NOT-TELL or *UN-LIS-TED! +* Real Sysops don't take their BBS down every five minutes to call a board. +* Real Sysops don't post their numbers on every known BBS. +* Real Sysops don't leave mail to users begging them to post. +* Real Sysops get angry if their boards are crashed. Fortunately, real + boards are rarely crashed and Real Sysops make back-ups, anyway. +* Real Sysops don't care about "Improper Signoffs." +* Real Sysops DON'T think they are God and are better than everyone + diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realteac.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realteac.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b2a545ce --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realteac.hum @@ -0,0 +1,340 @@ + (^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^) + (^) (^) + (^) REAL COMPUTER TEACHERS (^) + (^) (^) + (^) by (^) + (^) (^) + (^) The Joker (^) + (^) (^) + (^) with help from (^) + (^) (^) + (^) The Slipped Disk, The DataMaster (^) + (^) (^) + (^) and Mark Hamill (^) + (^) (^) + (^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^) + + The computer is entering the homes of people all over this country, and as +usual, the screwed up educators want to ruin a good thing. They want to +"Increase computer literacy among the students in public schools by teaching +BASIC." + + So school systems throught the land went out and bought IBM PCs to teach +BASIC to kindergarteners, but they forgot one thing, someone to teach the +children BASIC. + + The educators turned to people who actually enjoy working with computers, +but those who enjoy computers don't enjoy BASIC. So the educators turn to the +structured programmer, but even they have their limits. + + With no where else to turn, they turned to their own, the Real Math +Teachers. + + + + (All action stops, the dark, forboding voice of THE JOKER permeates...) + + + *Real Computer Teachers are not usually Real Computer Teachers, but are Real +Math Teachers. + + (Voice ends) + + + With no choice, our Real Math Teacher went to the local collage, to take the +course "How to program the IBM PC XT in BASIC, in a structured format". + + Several weeks pass...... + + Well, the course is now over, and our Real Math Teacher turned Real Computer +Teacher, is extremely happy knowing two languages, English and BASIC. So happy +in fact, that he called up some of his teacher friends saying that he now knows +two languages, and if they have any problems with either one, he would be glad +to help. + + Note that the Math Teacher is Male. The Female Math teachers are smart +enough to know that they are not going to know how to teach this stuff right, +and therefore don't try to make it appear that they do, for fear that they will +lose their jobs. + + (Again the action stops, with THE JOKER intervening...) + + *Real Computer Teachers feel qualified to teach computers to anyone, even +though they took a 6 week summer course in BASIC. + + *Real Female Computer teachers actually don't teach computers, but in fact +reference all questions given to them that doesn't include the basic using of +the computer (Turning it on., putting disks in drives) to the Real Male Computer +Teacher of the school. + + (Away it goes) + + + Several weeks pass...... + + Well the first day of school has arrived, and children all over the country +are waking up preparing for the school day ahead of them. + + And our Real Computer Teacher is also preparing for the school day ahead of +him, reviewing one of his computer books "BASIC for Children, Step-by-Step" +making sure that he has forgoten nothing about BASIC. + + Also going to through the tiny mind of our Real Computer Teacher is crazy +rules for BASIC programming meant to confuse the students completely. + + + (What do you say?) + + + *Real Computer Teachers require the first line in every program you write +contain a REM. + + *Real Computer Teachers require the numbering of your lines to go by 10s, +anything else is 'Unacceptable in a BASIC program.' + + (That's what I thought you said...) + + + Our Real Computer Teacher has convinced himself that he knows BASIC inside +out, and that he won't have any problem at all teaching BASIC. + + Several hours pass...... + + As our Real Computer teacher enters the computer room that the school has +set up, horror befalls him. Not one of the computers is an IBM PC XT, they were +all Apple IIes. He ran down to the administrators telling them of his dilema. +The students that were supposed to have his computer class were given study +halls, and our Real Computer Teacher was sent back to the collage for another +course, "How to program BASIC on an Apple IIe in a structured format" + + + (Room Darkens....) + + *Real Computer Teachers don't know how to use any other computer, except the +one they learned BASIC on, even though both computers use the same language. + + *Real Computer Teachers use BASIC. + + (Room lightens...) + + The school year has come and gone and our Real Computer Teacher still +believes his own stupid rules, and the students still don't know anything +about a computer except how to turn one on. + + Several weeks pass...... + + Our Real Computer Teacher, after many sleepless nights of debate, has +decided to buy a home computer. + + So he went to the local library to do some research. The first thing to do +was to find a Consumers 1983 Buying Guide. (Note that the year IS 1985) +He feels that computers, like wine, get better with time. After more +sleepless night of debate, our Real Computer Teacher decides that the Apple +Macintosh is the best buy in the home computer market. + + (Real Co. Teacher postulate number 9) + + *Real Computer Teachers seldom own their own computer, and if they do they +own the most expensive home computer around because they have the mentality, +'The more expensive the better.' + + (Memorize that..) + + Several weeks pass...... + + Well, its school time again, and our Real Computer Teacher, still knows just +as much about BASIC as he knew before, and another class is stuck with him. + + A whole school year passes..... + + At the end of the year, the students knew just as much about computers as +when they first walked into the class, the frightening first day of school. On +this day of days, our Real Computer Teacher, was called down to the +administrators office. "Yes, what can I do for you?" asked our Real Computer +Teacher. + + "We want you to learn another computer language." said the administrators. + + "NO!" he screamed, "I have enough trouble with BASIC!!" + + "You must, we said so." + + "But, but....." + + "No buts, you will learn PASCAL!" + + "Whats PASCAL?" + + "Something you will like." + + + Several weeks pass...... + + Our Unreal Math Teacher, turned Real Computer Teacher, is again taking a +summer course, but this one is about PASCAL. + + "Look," said our Real Computer Teacher, "the WRITELN statement works just +like the PRINT in BASIC, so why can't you use the PRINT statement instead of +WRITELN?" + + Several weeks pass...... + + Yet again, for some unknown reason our Real Computer Teacher has graduated +even though he made ridiculous statement throught the course, like the one +above. (The teacher must have been a Real Computer Teacher teacher.) + + The rest of the summer goes by... + + And yet again, another first day of school comes, and our Real Computer +Teacher is reviewing BASIC for Children Step-by-Step, because he has to teach a +PASCAL 1 class first period. + + The night before he word processed a test on BASIC to see how much his +students knew about PASCAL. + + All ready for the day, he left to start another year of being a Real Computer +Teacher. + + Several hours pass...... + + Standing at the door of the computer room is the Real Computer Teacher, +waiting to see his students. After a few minutes of waiting, students +started to walk in. + + "Good, " he thought,"these kids don't know as much about computers as I do." + + And then he walked in. + + Our Real Computers Teacher's eyes widened, and his jaw dropped. + + Standing before him was a student, carrying a Radio Shack Model 100. + + "Hello, sir. I don't really want to be here, but they made me take this +course." (A feeling of relief comes upon our Real Computer Teacher.) "I've +been programming PASCAL since I was 7 years old." + + "Oh, shit." + + "What?" + + "Oh, nothing." + + "So do you have a modem?" + + "Yes I do." + + "So what's your handle?" + + "Why, it's [fill in your computer teachers name here]" + + "Isn't that your real name?" + + "Yes." + + "What boards are you on?" + + "Compuserve, The Source....." + + "Forget I ever asked." + + "Are you one of those HACKERS?" + + "Yeah, why do you want to know?" + + "Hackers are childish, and....." + + "Leave me alone, your such a, such a, such a Real Computer Teacher!" + + + + (THE JOKER enters, starts rattiling off some more rules...) + + *Real Computer Teachers will never say they typed up this weeks test. They +will say they "word processed" it. + + *Real Computer Teachers do not like to be corrected, no matter how gross an +error they've made. + + *Real Computer Teachers don't like students who have their own computers, +because they usually know more about computers then they do. Even if the the +computer has been in the closet for the past 6 months because they feel it's +version of Pac-Man isn't very good. + + *Real Computer Teachers think Hackers are a nuisance and childish, but they +buy every book, and cut out every magazine article about them. + + *Real Computer Teachers own a $500 modem and subscribe to Compuserve and The +Source, yet they have never logged onto BBS. + + + (Go away. What happened to our friend? Did he make it?) + + + Yes, our friend had to suffer through an entire year of Real Computer Teacher +stupidity. Word has it that our friend is now locked up in an institution +becasue of our Real Computer Teacher. + + + (Well, We are approaching the end of the file, so let's rattle off some +more rules before we go, ok?) + + + *Real Computer Teachers eat Quiche + + *Real Computer Teachers think that all programs must be 'user friendly'. + + *Real Computer Teachers do not use Fortran, C, Cobol or LISP, but will take +the time to try to learn a dead language like Pascal + + *Real Computer Teachers have a library of 100s of computer books yet refers +to BASIC for Children Step-By-Step, when they have a problem. + + *Real Computer Teachers will tell you how delicate the computer is, even +though anyone with a home computer knows what kind of abuse one can take. + + *Real Computer Teachers don't know ANYTHING about the inner workings of a +computer, and when you ask one about how a computer REALLY works, they give you +a shpeal about how the CPU is hooked up to the Central Processing Unit. + + *Real Computer Teachers don't really enjoy programming that much, they would +probably rather drink herb tea, and go to the local yoga class. + + *Real Computer Teachers DEMAND that you put all statements on one line, +because otherwise their brains won't be able to remember anything past that. + + *Real Computer Teachers also demand that you "Be modular", even though you +know nobody writes a program for a school assignment in a modular fashion. + + *Real Computer Teachers don't understand that by the time the kids in their +classes get to use a computer in later life, they will have absolutely NO need +to use BASIC. + + *Real Computer Teachers are generally looked down upon by the rest of the +faculty, because the Real Computer Teachers think they are smarter than the +rest of the said faculty. + + *Real Computer Teachers fell in love with LOGO. + + *Real Computer Teachers have never heard of FORTRAN, SNOBOL, APL, or +anything that can't run on an Apple II+. + + *You can spot a Real Computer Teacher a mile away, they are the only adults +in the school who look too stupid to be teachers, and too smart to be janitors. + + + + It seems that the Real Computer Teacher is destined to continue to be an on +going threat to American children that will create little structured +programmers everywhere. + +/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/ + Sysops of other BBSs are welcome to use this file as long as nothing is +changed. +/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/ + + Note that all grammatical and spelling errors are caused by Real English +Teachers, which will be dealt with in another file + +[End of File] +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realuser.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realuser.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d2ea2cc3 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realuser.txt @@ -0,0 +1,116 @@ + +[*************************************] +[ An addition to: ] +[Real Sysops and Unreal Board Crashers] +[ Real BBS Users ] +[*************************************] + + Written By The Master Watchman + of + The Encounter (619) 433-7075 + +--------------------------------------- + + Well, as inspired by The Silver Elf, +I have decided to make an addition to +the lists. Hopefully it will get at +least a few laughs. (Especially to +us Real Sysops!) + +--------------------------------------- +Real users do not scan all the boards +and read all the messages looking for +something exciting. + +Real users post occasionally something +of interest which does NOT include: + Backspacing tips + Messages saying "Just taking up + space" + Messages asking for E-Mail + Messages saying "Got some new stuff + .. Send mail." + Messages telling about "A Micro- + modem for sale! $215" + or + Messages saying they will trade + a MM for an Apple-Cat in working + condition. + +Real users don't try every command on +the main menu, then try them again to +see if they do something amazingly +different. + +Real users don't automatically assume +The Sysop will be there all the time, +and don't get annoyed and press Ctrl-G +10,000 times when he's not there. + +Real users don't expect the Sysop Stat +message to say anything but "Not +available" + +Real users don't constantly bug The +Sysop for levels. + +Real users do things to deserve levels. + +Real users do not leave stupid questions +in feedback or messages and expect +answers. + +Real users do not look for important +people in your user file and then start +supporting them and sending them E-Mail +hoping to pick up some great tips or be +recognized as a "Real Pirate" from them. + +Real users are not poor. + +Real users do not expect The Sysop to +remember everything they have ever +said, Real users understand that they +are not the most important figure on +the board. + +Real users do not command search. (I.E. +A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,...,!,@,#,$,%,^,&,*) + +Real users read the system news when it +has been updated so they don't have to +command search. + +Real users have long since printed out +the menu and other things so they do +not have to continually return to them. + +Real users do not call right back after +their time is up. + +Real users are not afraid when The +Sysop answers the phone. Real users +will at least acknowledge that they are +there. + +Real users don't expect the board to be +up all 24 hours all the time. + +Real users are not terminally boring. + +On the War board: +Real users do not create stupid wars +like "Pepsi vs. Coke". + +Real users are not afraid to post with +their name. Real users hardly ever post +anonymously. + +Real users enjoy killing unreal users +with Apples who post that their +toy is best. + +In fact, real users do not reply to +Apples, they find out their +address and destroy their house. + diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realwork.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realwork.hum new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..219c356f9d1d090263daaab7defac278175b0fac GIT binary patch literal 5001 zcmbtYVQ(9`5$#tS@E_=>iM}`oNU|O05C-%OX*|}ns9#G$hbL3sl%$qlF9z{q0eE8r0eL2|wLi}@AYkJq2N>lQ5tCgjDA6Ah* zM;#(RaCESLg#XQYdGwnn=6&?-n69TZFMUcxn={WNb*|B&G>gvKo^)lBuBhlq52M_k=K7^jGRrGF5SM;@uiE34GX^mQGBoM7x z*6As$2UKaiqlFLDNy*4le#uE3?0>RaMNO57K`&LnVYP{r^si~MFjgZ~j{FTS8M(C& zu{N#Lb>)%{P9+2azJK*NpZtP8DOVz^I2}9yVccr_4Bcy8SWO%m4O1?evJNJu;dg^Z z(aKtm!q0y!lTWn|ttQSnBI!4=)uq8Ry*%Naj?I`+2<1{L9wq)A?_OCjuhEvUDUVEG9!dtbiu+V57|7}UpxKh(nhr(F= zd-xc?cJx+F4ANkY zUNe8&E^(5+DF}2Oac|yx#F}}PMgX0=*aLJ&Yn94;c58Hrwt@tsfA}t-nR-0}l8Isq zB#;rxHx8#WNqni58%8&mS1ZKp+7_b?FecssB$SEFFhsxqMS!e>@zsFWccofGe zU}6@DR=OWPEpz1#ZAJ%kw@LpB^cZ43?2wzx13n!F(|ODdYEHGv0bSP==*x@Kv&q@X z>mLcQ^bu$&x6<54Us*i@;L<9EK6GV0Nlb4f*(%hKi$Iq>tsMF;N1vX&n7lkWp1e9f zIb}v8H|W@Z|7>RKFft&JENFvraSd>o^*THt*I^)}6Td0u#@N+lCUf^hJP;ma2G_}C z9jN?LDnUvXuxZDUo{z2)ErO1i-bg(YrGS8>`q^k0#ZooQgYDq3J|_D3;SDW;7pSE$ zuCeY?f?$31tMAniRnuBtG#EaLCBin3glvXuFTJ(8MEjt?S@C<{^5pSdGkc|Z5LbLhgqfMmN1n85TU_JVT4V17kbdHR} z_$-q^pYs+V;z--$)7!@rrz4_y7ruu-^BwbmoO2fyy?t{}P$ySq-FUA#K*TUeWwpZi zyC_MC+OM@JlSycsjBsPh;MY)!XQROm$dJfc=T3#P?&->v(=mO((xAUN9$tXTbhyz8 z*j#|lQ#wZ#-{}o&2No`Diz--4Jj0}Dt@Ub51wH_BXhF`9T?w5WA4?I9agZ zU_HBqEr&29Vj3Fdj4FrYV{pI<4hj$#sxh)TkPuJt4pqc1;&q`GK^ZY8R_n4JK3`IJ zj(%WD68OM7=m)y>VBn!U#4pwkzbI5^9JfvcIhnBWT(b^al_`6{B%adG;+ZCsD{@$1 znYK%x2=D;-sWcxvSO+GeEKJdfs4=ohVR`+sx3@RgZ|pjQwE^reJ?w=?b1w}x&?ntS zBYm#mLV!Qg87_o(n(VBy_TKV}D>WoQ9A)T=f;Fts&|Ryb%Z2SU{S3*A$=i*WSp?q* zIeFQVRmCsa9HCO;a(e_vbrzr^Jt(7gw$Y+MN2GYRCfLcXP zVz?NKon6uB-Slco*B-k?Lg9=aY{m9EIn9L4s|24e3|ffsk}O*5A*yH__qD8zg(mFa zOup*wWD&LrG@#P935FU>}>Nw2^?7-dUfiGkF?knWJv61d_P6)1MV5!Wfa zsVr6i`+f`n1g7vs1aB)KHXJQ?YlN9Zu#o^^6^!DJ!C*@Z_Xfk$Jx+sJfyj+oni3@n zk|KzwJjpC{Sz1xM6YvBCwxfcAs2IKE(ZMxp4d(gvaHbhh(WcwkY!3VN`L_x+{F=M~ zByyn$4r;<^0JRbW#j1eMo2czW-Zcudi0grp%I?t(78`k&Ei6{)g|HlBJ|oxoKV1Bs zUY|{WglOne@x9XI;%X=$gCO^)%WF8my!`SlbRz&DD8w#1K{@X8^#z@sO~YzZRDGqIq&4@t8E}T zfVUg#%UmosXs!N@0i*|5D-lJhF7Pho-N^U&O_@2od^Bc>=i>Rw#j_6A1swBOV$gH_j?F&T$Z`g+Q)PBrOpYR|rQU3-~a4xaNu2N~g~TdB00-`m{h00ak?q4^8J qd9dArQ%i{Sj@4L#^EVXSOnLiHuTNh7`Dl9)M4o^6zkUw(|M(w6xmP0q literal 0 HcmV?d00001 diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/rpg.001 b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/rpg.001 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8b015a19 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/rpg.001 @@ -0,0 +1,210 @@ + + + [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] + [\] [/] + [/] The Real Pirate's Guide [\] + [\] [/] + [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] + + + + + + + [simulation] + + FROM-> JHONNY THE AVENGER + DATE-> SAT AUG 4 10:21 PM + + I SAW YOUR MESSAGE ON THE PIRATE BOARD ABOUT YOU HAVEING SIDE 2 + OF SUMMER GAMES! MY CONNECTIONS MR. ZEROX AND CHEIF SURGEN BLACK + BAG ARE'NT AROUND TO MAIL IT 2 ME SO WANNA DO SOME SERIUS + TRADEING?I HAVE GRAFORTH ,CHOPLIFTER ,MARS CARS ,DISK MUNCHER AND + SOME K00L OTHER STUFF AND GAMES.CALL ME AT 312-323-3741. IF YOU + NEED PHREAK CODES I HAVE THEM TO AND BOX PLANS.BYE + + + *** ***** ** + * * * * + * * * ****** + ** HONNY * HE * * VENGER + + + + *THE KNIGHTS OF MYSTERIOUS KEYBOARDS*! + THE AWESOMEST HACK GROUP IN TOWN + + + Is the author of the above message a true pirate? Since the + beginning of time there has been an implicit code of etiquette + governing the actions of software pirates, but as many of you may + have noticed as of late, that code has been knocked around a bit. + Although it's not difficult to differentiate a true pirate from + one of these poor imitations, I believe that, with the number of + true pirates decreasing at such an alarming rate, this code + should be set straight. + + After all, although "Jhonny" is admittedly a moron, it's not his + fault that he never received proper guidance. + + One of the first and foremost rules of piracy: REAL PIRATES ARE + OVER 15 YEARS OLD! Exceptions to this rule are extremely rare at + best. + + corollary: You never have to wonder who breeded Mickey Mouse with + a 2600 hz tone to produce a real pirate's voice. + + + + ALIASES + ------- + + Real pirates are more imaginative than to use the word "copy" in + their alias. + + corollary: Real pirates aren't named "Mr. Copy" because real + pirates don't brag about cracking Dung Beetles. + + The word "crack" (or "krack") is found nowhere in a real pirate's + name...unless he really knows how to. + + Real pirates' aliases don't sound as if they were extracted from + the lyrics of an Ozzy Ozbourne song (i.e. Provisioner of Satan, + Black Avenger, Dark Phantom, etc.). + + Real pirates don't name themselves after heavy metal groups. + + Real pirates, if named after some aspect of pirate legend (i.e. + Jolly Roger, Captain Hook, Eye Patch, etc.) don't say, "Avast ye + scurvy dogs," or anything of the like. + + Real pirates' names aren't parodies of other reputable pirates + (i.e. Resident of Lavender Bag, Mr. Pac Man, Franklin Bandit, + etc.). + + Real pirates don't name themselves after alcoholic beverages + (i.e. Jack Daniels, Harvey Wallbanger, Jim Beam, etc.) especially + when they've never had one. + + Real pirates spell their aliases correctly (unlike "The Poenix"). + + Real pirates aren't named Sam Houston, Sir Spanky, The + Gamemaster, Lord Fagen, Mass Hacker, Sirus Eridani + (insert your own losers here) or Mr. Copy. + + Real pirates don't get their alias from "Space Vikings" + + + WARES + ----- + + Real pirates would never think of deleting "Sabotage". It's too + much fun imagining those little men are actually Sir Knight. + + Real pirates play "Bilestoad". + + Real pirates have long since deleted "Sneakers", "E.T.", "Alien + Munchies", "Bug Battle", "Snack Attack", and everything from SSI, + Avalon Hill, and Scott Adams. + + Real pirates upload. They realize that leeching is the #2 sin + (behind, of course, being 13 years old). + + Real pirates realize that Penguin aren't really "The Graphics + People". + + Real pirates feel guilty when pirating Beagle Brothers. Of + course, that never stops them. + + Real pirates don't believe the morons who say they have Ultima IV + and Pole Position. + + corollary: Real pirates realize that there is a difference + between Formula I Racer and Pole Position. + + + BOARDS + ------ + + Real pirates aren't the fifth to post the same "I have..." + message. + + corrolary: Real pirates don't post "I have..." messages when they + really don't have. + + Real pirates don't download programs from public AE's and then + post "I know it's old, but I have...too" messages on pirate + boards. + + Real pirates don't post their high scores. + + corollary: Real pirates don't keep score. + + Real pirates don't say "K-K00L", "K-AWESOME", "X10DER", "L8R0N", + or anything of the sort. + + Real pirates know the difference between "f" and "ph" (i.e. + "philes", "phuck", "fone", etc.). + + Real pirates don't waste everyone's time backspacing over their + alias 50 times. + + Real pirates never use text graphics in their messages. + + Real pirates don't care about The Curse BBS's "K-K00L M0DS". + + Real pirates don't search for new ways to spell "WARES". + + Real pirates don't use the last 5 lines of their messages + bragging about the 8 meaningless organizations that they belong + to. + + corollary: Real pirates don't belong to SWAPP, DOS/NPG, or + NASCOMP. + + Real pirates who are GBBS Sysops are proud to have stolen from + Greg Schaefer. + + Real pirates are satisfied with one exclamation point. + + Real pirates don't call Dial-Your-Match. + + Real pirates never get into "bitch wars" unless, of course, they + are grinding some 13 year old TI user into the dust. + + + TRANSFERS + --------- + + Real pirates don't DFX. + + Real pirates no longer buy Micromodem II's, SSM modemcards, or + Networker modems. + + corollary: Real pirates buy Apple Cats. + + corollary to the corollary: Real pirates accept the reality + that 300 baud is dead. + + Real pirates aren't around to trade on Friday or Saturday nights. + + corollary: Real pirates haven't watched Love Boat since they were + 13. + + Real pirates type "BRUN AE" without the spacebar in between. + + Real pirates can get Diskfer/Catsend to work right the first + time. + + + CONCLUSION + ---------- + + That's it...for now. Since losers invent new ways to be losers + every day, expect a "Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2" very soon. + + If any of you were terribly offended by anything in this file, + that's your clue to retire from the pirate world. 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'Why in the hell did I make +this?', you ask yourself. It's very simple. You see, there are many people +out there who have no idea what a ruggie is, and there seems to be a +large number of them since Christmas (when santa claws brings them their +modem). So, here for your enjoyment.. + +-]-]-]-]-]-]-]-]- +[/BBSing:\] + +Real Ruggies have Networkers and like them. + +Real Ruggies think a 'Cat' is a furry animal. + +Real Ruggies don't know that AE and Ascii Express are the same thing. + +Real Ruggies have aliases like 'Dr. Ace', 'Zero G',(Insert dickshit here), 'The + Baby' or 'The Enforcer', or use their real names. + +Real Ruggies hang up when you pick up the phone (Voice). + +Real Ruggies post 10-20 messages all on the same board, all in the same day, an +d wonders why the sysop gets pissed. + +Ruggies page the sysop at 3AM, and wonder why the sysop gets mad. + +Real Ruggies put asterics in their swear words. + +Real ruggies call up an AE line with their term prog and blame the reason it wo +n't work right on the AE line. + +Real Ruggies call a BBS outside of hours and bitch at the sysop for not having +it up. + +Real ruggies use the 'k-' prefix all the time (k-k00l, k-bye, k-mart) + +Real ruggies think Anoka RBBS and Duh Crib are 'k-k00l' boards. + +Real ruggies waste 12 sectors of disk space on text graphics and trick bacspace +s. + +Real Ruggies use 110 baud. + +Real Ruggies type at 10 characters per minute. + +Real Ruggies run a ruggie bbs off of unmodified GBBS or NetWorks II. + +Real Ruggies say they don't phreak/hack because 'they may get arrested and sent + to prison'. + +Real Ruggies start those loser pirate groups (Pirate's Inc., NPA, etc.) + +Real ruggies always stay for the maximum time limit, and call the maximum numbe +r of calls per day, right in a row. + +Real Ruggies never give their real number when they log-on, but post messages o +n the boards saying 'Call me at xxx-xxxx, ask for Lester Cosworth' and wonder w +hy he's getting all these calls at 3:00 am. + +Real Ruggies think 'Boxing' is a sport where you hit people. + +Real ruggies put after their name 'Non-MPG/Non-NDC/Non-Thought Police' when we +all know they wouldn't be let into those groups anyway because they are such lo +sers. + +Real Ruggies use someone elses alias and say thay had it first. + +Real Ruggies think '99E99' is the most awesome thing since shrinky-dinks. + +Real Ruggies leave feedback asking for higher access, to be in a 'k-k00l' club +or demand to be co-sysop. + +Real ruggies think an Auto-dialer is something on a car phone. + +Real ruggies e-mail all the users of a board asking 'Be an E-mail pen pal' or ' +What is a 'Ware'?' or 'Are these new warezz?' and follow with a string of archa +ic relics for wares. + +Real ruggies have a logo that takes up 15-20 lines and has backspaces up the as +s. + +Real Ruggies try to be recognized by doing dumb things, or ragging on cool peop +le for no reason whatsoever. + +Real Ruggies bitch about charging for higher access and say they'll never come +back to that board again, but they do anyways.. + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +[\Sysoping../] + +Real Ruggies ask others to fix their board because they don't know basic, and a +re 'Learning Assembly and Machine Language' like they were 2 different things. + +Real ruggies pronounce sysop SY-sop. + +Real Ruggies always say 'I've ordered a Hard drive, but it's in the mail' or 'T +he H-drive is on the way.' and other bullshit like that. + +_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ +{-The Latest Warezz:-} + +Real Ruggies like to play Gorgon or Sabotage. + +Real Ruggies say 'I have Ultima IV, but I won't distribute it right away' or th +at they have all these NEW warezz that havn't even been made yet. + +Real Ruggies post 'I have' messages and really don't have. + +Real Ruugies use CopyA for copying disks. + +Real Ruggies are offended by what's in text files. + ++-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ +|=|Lifestyles:|=| ++-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ + +Real Ruggies wear rags, horn rimmed glasses, and have greasy hair. + +Real ruggies are under 15 and have voices like a 6 yr. old with nasal problems. + +Real ruggies ride bikes with reflectors all over it and straws on the spokes. + +Real Ruggies aren't interested in girls. + +Real Ruggies hate rock and like those moldy songs from the 20's and 30's. + +Real Ruggies are constantly with their computer, like they're attatched to it. + +Real ruggies eat Mr. T cereal. + +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +Well, it's about time I quit. Well, I hope you enjoyed this file, and be +ready, because another one (Not neccessarily by me) will be written +soon, because there's a loser born every minute..especially after +Christmas... +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- + + + +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- +Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/skimboar.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/skimboar.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3a68798d --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/skimboar.hum @@ -0,0 +1,114 @@ ++====================================+ +! A GUIDE TO REAL SKIMBOARDERS ! +! ! +! Compiled by Mr. Wizard ! ++====================================+ + ++====================================+ + This is a guide as to what REAL skimboarders pratice. There is no room here +for "pseudoskimmers," as you must use this as a guide for self improve- ment. +There is always room for improvement, so I suggest you adjust yourselves +accordingly to avoid being laughed at. ++====================================+ + + + Corollary: Real skimboarders make their own boards. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders don't decorate their homemade boards with magic + markers, but with colored resins. + + Corollary: If real skimboarders are wealthy enough, they buy a J.GORDON. + + Corollary: Skimboarders who buy J.GORDONs use them to their full extent, not + just show them off. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders don't have round boards. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders have bevelled boards, except in the case of + J.GORDONs. + + Addition to the corollary: Real skimboarders don't have stupid-looking boards + or shapes that don't work. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders don't waste their time on flat beaches--- if + they can help it. + + Addition to corollary: --- unless they are practicing for a contest. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders go for the real thing-----SHOREBREAK! + + Corollary: Real skimboarders know that the most superior boards around for + shorebreak are foamies and some J. GORDONs. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders try to find out where contests are. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders don't chew gum while skimboarding. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders don't wear walkmans or backpacks while + skimboarding. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders go on as little water as possible. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders aren't proud of "battle scars" (rock dings) + because they know they make rad boards look like crap. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders repair dings as soon as possible. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders don't go on suicide runs over pebbles. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders don't carve the rough unless they are going fast + and/or the rough is deep. + + Addition to the corollary: Real skimboarders don't carve 6" rough unless they +are bored out of their skulls, in which case they quit for a while. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders make the most of every ride (except in the above + situation). + + Corollary: Real skimboarders don't try to skim on their boogieboards. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders are reluctant to answer questions like "What is + that?" and "Where did you get that?" asked by ASS-WHITE tourists + (but answer them anyway). + + Corollary: Real skimboarders usually hate tourists except for the gawking, + pointing, and idolizing that they do. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders don't care if they mess up. + + Addition to the corollary: Real skimboarders know that it's okay to mess up, +and that if one doesn't once in a while, there's something wrong. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders are willing to try new tricks. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders laugh out loud (or at least bust up inside) at + pseudoskimmers who talk up their weak, inferior moves. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders don't use poses to impress anyone else but + judges. + + Addition to the corollary: Real skimboarders also use poses to outdo someone + they are competing against. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders accept female skimmers because they are being + adventurous females. + + Addition to the corollary: Real skimboarders don't jeer at female skimmers + because they just might blow away everyone else. + + Corollary: Real skimboarders try to attain the ultimate--------------- the + skimboard AERIAL. + + + +*************************************** + Look for my upcoming t-file + "Real Boogieboarders + Don't Go Straight" + + +===========================+ + ! A ! + ! Mr. Wizard ! + ! PRESENTATION ! + +===========================+ + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/skinstud.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/skinstud.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..233eb651 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/skinstud.hum @@ -0,0 +1,269 @@ + ======================================= + = -----===> Skins & Studs <===----- = + = Composed by Lord Flathead for = + = The users of the....... = + = Electronic Laser Fortress = + ======================================= + + Well, seems there is some confusion to what a "Skin" & a "Stud" are. I've +been saying Skin & Stud ever since I was in 7th grade. Although it is a quite +popular saying in all the schools I have gone too there is still some confusion +as to the meanings of these terms. This file will define the true definition +of a "Skin" and a "Stud" get ready............ + + + ======================================= + = STUDS = + ======================================= + + The word stud probably originates from a stud-fee on a horse. The guy is +such a stud that the women pay for sex....? + + Now it is not used like that so much and it is excepted in public as not +something dirty. + + This is what it is used for now and this is the definition of a STUD in +Flathead's Dictionary (C). + + STUD (STUD) n. 1. A person who is cool contains a stud-like quality. +Example: You are a stud. What a stud! (studly) adj. + + In simpler terms here are a few examples: + + A stud doesn't confuse the following letters with each other more than once a +message. There are certain words which are excepted such as "lozer" and +"wharez" as long as there is one "z" those are excepted. + +LETTER MISTAKEN WITH +-------- --------------- +"S" "Z" +"C" "<" "(" +"KS" "X" +"O" "0" + + +WORD MISTAKEN WITH +--------- ---------------- +"Wharez" "Wharezzzzz" +"Cool" "/ +club. + + Studs lift weights. + + Studs walk to town and hang out. If your old enough to drive you can be a +stud in your car too. + + Studs tell there girl friends they love them at least once a day. + + Studs love their moms. + + Are you getting the picture? Now for skins! + + + + ======================================= + = SKINS = + ======================================= + + Skin is someone who is dumb or stupid etc.. although it can be used in a +joking manner and most often is. Or you can yell "Skin!" when you see +something that is funny or just plain stupid such as Black Dragon, A kid with a +flat top, etc. + + The Word "Skin" probably originated from me calling people with short hair a +"Skinhead" skin became a shorter version that has nothing to do with short +hair. Here is a definition from Flatheads Dictionary (C) + + SKIN (SKIN) N. 1. A skin is someone who does stupid things. Skinnish (adj) + + This is what a message from a skin looks like: + +#19 "new wharez!111!!!" + By HAPPY HACKER + Jul 19, 1985 14.24 + +hey dudez!1 i got new wharezzz for u +n they are /_()( elite ><()** bbs. + + 555-555-hack + + <>><><><><><><><><><> + >< happy hacker!11!<> + ><<><><><><>><><><><><>< + + That's a total skin message. Here are some things that skins do/are: + + Skins use Dragon in their name. + + Skins listen to Boy George, WHAM!, Prince etc.. + + Skins think an auto-dialer is a car- phone. + + Skins leach sprint codes. + + Skins think they know everything when they have had their modem for under a +month. + + Skins chat with the sysop and say What's up Tom, How have you been lately" +(and the sysop can't rem- ember you! + + Skins say "I enjoyed the chat" on a pirate or phreak bbs. (That's strict- ly +a Rick Fry or PMS Saying) + + Skins say their computer is better than someone elses because of the rad +sound chip they have. + + Skins enjoyed the Mind's Eye. + + Skins post messages that say "I Have" when they really don't have. + + Skins have no feelings. + + Skins think they'll get a date off of a Dial-Your-Match. + + Skins call Rick Fry's board and try to log-on under an alias. + + Skins hit return 300 times when they are through with a message on a C-net. + + Skins are offended by a text file. + + Skins try to live their lives according to files like this one. + + Skins try to guess the sysops pass. + + Skins type "HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!" + + Skins user more than 3 "!!!" after one sentence. + + Skins kiss sysop's asses. + + Skins are mean to small children. + + Skins are perverts and vulgar in front of a lady. + + Skins don't open doors or pull out chairs for girls either. + + Skins go to bed at 9:30. + + Skins use the word "Elite" 40 million times when discussing things that +aren't so "Elite" + + Skins don't capitalize anything especially there handle. + + Skins leave 3 lines of text-graphics after every message. + + Skins have 500 line stories on their boards that you are not able to skip. + + Skins type in all uppercase or all lower. + + Skins like cheap sex. + + Skins say that MTV is bad for youth. + + Skins use their original term program. + + Skins ask for donations when their board is run off of one drive. + + Skins dont like animals. + + Skins are afraid to use sprint codes. + + Skins try to sell software they have written in basic (CBS UGH!) + + Skins post invalid accounts on phreak boards. + + Skins leach software off of pirate boards and don't upload. + + Skins think I'm with the FBI. + + Skins rag on sysops. + + If your still don't know what a skin is you are a skin. + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/squid.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/squid.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d9a52d69 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/squid.hum @@ -0,0 +1,142 @@ + + +ÿÿ + _____________________________________________________________________________ +| | +| "The True Definition of a SQUID" - Written by The Ascii Assassin | +| Written on 3/10 and 3/11, MCMLXXXVI. An AssassinSoft production. | +|_____________________________________________________________________________| + +-- Disclaimer. + + This file is intended to be read for entertainment purposes only. No +offense is intended towards anyone that happens to fall under the catagory of +"squid", as dictated by this file; neither is offense intended from those quotedby said file. On with the show... + +-- Introduction. + + Recently, there has been a large group of people calling one another +"squids". Mind you, this isn't a local problem; Squid-hood has spread across theentire country. Since "squid" has become the hip & happening word to call +somebody you don't like, we take the time to present this file to help dist- +inguish a squid from whatever other riff-raff you have them confused with. + +-- Definition of a Squid. + + "Squid (skwid) n. A marine mollusk with a long body and ten arms +surrounding the mouth. [Origin unknown]". Picture included in the dictionary wasÿjust what you expected: An ugly, elongated little sea-creature. If the folks +who pubished the dictionary knew what they were talking about, the illustration +would most likely show a disheveled looking teenager, slumped over a computer, +frantically typing on a BBS. You might be thinking "Hmm, so a squid is just a +fancy name for a 'Modem Geek'.."; That's only half of the story. + +-- What's the Other Half of the Story? + + Squids are generally known as modem geeks, but there are exceptions. No +ordinary modem geek has what it takes to be a true squid, In person, he may not +be considered as pitiful as the average, run of the mill nerd (sometimes, the +two parallel rather closely, nevertheless..). It takes a combination of odd +personality and a lot of free time to merit the much coveted title of "squid". + +-- How Many Squids Really Exist? + + Squid-hood in it's TRUE form is very rare, so there is no need to fear +an epidemic. They rarely run their own boards, so new users won't be tempted to +mimic their ÿ"FAV0RITE SYS0P" on that "K-K00L B0ARD!1" that the squid might +otherwise run. If a squid does happen to influence a new user, another true +squid might be born. One might compare this phenomenon to that of a virus +contaminating whatever was healthy before, thereby turning it into mush which +breeds more viruses. So much for cute analogies. + + If you want to find a squid, the best places to look are on just about +any Apple-Net boards in your local area. Since John Pechacek was probably a truesquid during his pirating days (under the handle "Apple Bandit"), it only seems +natural that squids like such BBS's. + +-- Some Helpful Hints on Squid Identification. + + The guidelines that the typical squid follows in his/her/it's day to daylife has been outlined in a "Real ---- guide" format. I know, the "real so and +so Guide" business is getting old, but it seems like the best way to classify +all this information. Here we go... + +Real squids ALWAYS have elite access on ANY and EVERY Apple-Net BBS within a ÿ30milre radius of their modem. + +Corollary: Real squids NEVER have elite access on any other type of bulletin +board. + +Real squids have love/hate feelings about John Pechacek. They love him because +they think he is a God-like programmer, they hate him because he always seems tocrash their favorite board until the sysop send him $55 to pay for a legitimate +copy of Apple-Net. + +Real squids, if they happen to have a 1200 baud modem, spit on anything below +1200 baud. They NEVER call boards that are 300 baud only, because it's "too +slow". + +Corollary: Real squids try to take speed reading courses, to keep up with the +1200 baud display. + +Real squids NEVER run their own BBS. + +Corollary: Real squids would rather go to a sysop's house and(bother users from +the local end. + +Real squids don't attempt to defend themselves when being called a squid. They +believe that being called a "squid" is a supreme honor. + +Real squids THINK they have a sense of humor. They often create fictional char- +acters (don't ask me why, it just sounds like a squidly thing to do..right?) + +Corollary: Nobody really cares when a squid says "Franklin Macintoshman lives!" +or "Joe Bob's Grease-o-Matic Burger Joint! Call and order.." + +Real squids like to wear t-shirts that have sayings about "Cthulhu" emblazoned +upon them. + +Real squids NEVER buy records or tapes, the only music they listen to is on AM +radio. + +Corollary: Real squids listen to KFRC. + +Read squids are out of high-school, but don't attend college because it would +not leave them with enough time to call the 99E99 boards they are on at one +time. + +Real squids don't have jobs. + +Real squids take great pride in their "intelligence". + +Real squids play chess, D&D, and various other role playing and war games, ONLY +if they can be adapted for BBS play. Squids are attracted to BBS's that have +more than 10 sub-boards dedicated to gaming. + +Real squids, when feeling like getting into a real bitch-war, call other users +names that are normally linked to fruits and vegetables (ie: Grapefruit, Cuc- +umber, etc). + +Real squids, if they attempt to write text-files (VERY rarely), write files thatare takeoff's on other text-files (they usualûßly write takeoff's on a takeoff +that offended them). + +Corollary: It's a good thing that real squids don't write many more text-files +than they do right now. (Need I say more?) + +-- Conclusion. + + Squids are (unfortunately) here to stay. About all you can do is +identify them, and eradicate them if possible. The original squids have +"contaminated" enough users (thus transforming them into real squids them- +selves) that it is literally impossible to correct their problems. + + This file is dedicated to the "Nwonknu" series of BBS's. If it weren't +for Ken, there would be no sanctuary for lonely squids everyÿwhere. + +Try these great squid-stops.. + +415-369-9255 Lamorak 415-854-9276 Temple of the Snake 415-365-4194 Nwonknu HQ_______________________________________________________________________________ + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + _ ___ _ the _ _ __ P>rogressive U>nderground + And as this textfile | ||__ \ | | | | | ||_ \ D>issidents + rolls off the screen, | | __) )| | | | | | \ \ 3 1 3 - 4 3 3 - 3 1 6 4 + you realize instantly | ||___/ | | | | | | ) ) 300/1200 Baud + the place to get more | | | |___| | | | _/ / 20 Megs of TextFiles + like it.. |_| \_____/ |_||__/ SysOp: Mr. Pez + +Loser/Leech Files] \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/ticool.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/ticool.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b797eecf --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/ticool.txt @@ -0,0 +1,170 @@ + + /-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-\ + / THE REAL "COOL DUDES" GUIDE \ + < by: > + \ Red Phantom / + \-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-/ + + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + %% The Lazy Dragon...............(312)/(728-4069) %% + %% Armageddon....................(312)/(967-0848) %% + %% The Music Box.................(312)/(774-0202) %% + %% Ripco International...........(312)/(528-5020) %% + %% Blue Skies....................(312)/(386-0499) %% + %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + +:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: + + Perhaps the most widely-used term in "modemland", second only to 'ware', is +the word 'dude' (and the many variations thereof). The title of 'dude' is, +undoubtedly, a term of respect, since many people often claim themselves to +be dudes. In fact, a super-elite person is often referred to as a "cool dude." +I know you must be saying to yourself, "But how can I become a Cool Dude?" +Well, here are some guidelines: + + Cool dudes don't leech. + + Cool dudes don't keep their disks in a cardboard box. + + Cool dudes know how to pronounce "DOS". + + Cool dudes never talk like: "HAY, D0 U WANT 2 XFER W/ME L8R?" + + Cool dudes are over 15 years of age. + + Cool dudes don't bitch at someone for a typo. + + Cool dudes drink lots of beer. + + Cool dudes NEVER drink "L.A." beer. + + Cool dudes do not refer to a dictionary every five minutes while + typing in a message. + + Cool dudes don't leave their computers idle for more than 24 hours. + + Cool dudes don't use their computers 24 hours a day. + + Cool dudes appreciate it when a sysop gives him a security raise. + + Cool dudes don't buy cracked wares, or any wares, for that matter. + + Cool dudes don't sell cracked wares, they trade for them. + + Cool dudes don't trade "ware-for-ware." + + Cool dudes type at least 50 words a minute. + +Download complete + +Download which 1-11 0=List =Quit:10 + +A)scii, E)xit, X)modem ?A + +Press to begin + + +*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* +*- -* +-* BEAGLE TIP BOOK #3 *- +*- -* +-* PRESENTED BY BETS C. *- +*- -* +-*APPLE MANOR (716) 654-POOF!*- +*- -* +*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* + + +*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- + PROGRAMMABLE RESET +*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- + +There are a couple of pokes you A + +Press to begin + + + Murphy's Computer Laws + ---------------------- + Courtesy of: The Snark + +Laws of Computer Programming +---------------------------- +1. There is always one more bug. +2. Any given program, when running, is + obsolete +3. If a program is useless, it will + have to be documented. +4. If a program is useful, it will + have to be changed. +5. Any program will expand to fill all + available memory. +6. The value of a program is + proportional to the weight of its + output. +7. Program complexity grows until it + exceeds the capability of the + programmer to maintain it. +8. Make it possible for programmers to + write in English and you will find + out that programmers cannot write + in English. + + +Weinberg's Law +-------------- + + If builders built buildings the way +programmers wrote programs, then the +first woodpecker that came along would +destroy civilization. + + +Hare's Law of Large Programs +---------------------------- + + Inside every large program is a +small program struggling to get out. + + +Troutman's Programming Laws +--------------------------- + +1. If a test installation functions + perfectly, all subsequent systems + will malfunction. +2. Not until a program has been in + production for at least six months + will the most harmful error then + be discovered. +3. Job control cards that cannot be + arranged in improper order will be. +4. Interchangeable tapes won't +5. If the input editor has been + designed to reject all bad input, + an ingenious idiot will discover a + method to get bad data past it. +6. Machines work, people should think. + + +Golub's Laws of Computerdom +--------------------------- + +1. A carelessly planned project takes + three times longer to complete than + expected; a carefully planned + project will take only twice as + long. +2. The effort required to correct the + error increases geometrically with + time. + + +Bradley's Bromide +----------------- + + If computers get too powerful, we +can organize them into a committee -- +that will do them in. + +...................... diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/unrealus.hum b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/unrealus.hum new file mode 100644 index 00000000..237a89bb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/REAL/unrealus.hum @@ -0,0 +1,180 @@ +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= +(( )) +(( The Real User )) +(( + )) +(( The Unreal User )) +(( )) +(( )) +(( By Floppie Freddie )) +(( )) +(( and )) +(( )) +(( Scarface )) +(( )) +(( )) +(( The Fifth Precinct )) +(( [502] 245-8270 )) ++=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ + + Since the time we both started running AE lines, out of our 900 users, 700 of +them were idiots. The Puds of telecommunication. So we decided to write a file +dedicated to these idiots. + + Here are a few tips on how to tell the real user apart from the unreal user. + + + A Real User: + + Knows what an AE line is and doesnt call and ask "Is this where the bbs is?" + + + An unreal user: + + Logs on as fifty different handles and often has wars with himself (or +herself). Often this person will leave one of his other handles E-mail so when +he logs on it will say: + + (You have E-mail waiting) + + + A Real User: + + doesnt call the same BBS five times a day and pushes 'C' at least 20 times. + + + An unreal user: + + When chatting with the sysop is continuously brown-nosing and trying to make +the sysop think he is something he is'nt and asking for sysop's access or "What +is the back door, you can tell me." + + + A Real User: + + Phreaks when calling out of his local zone. + + + An unreal user: + + Thinks that phreaking is going out on a weekend and going to a girls house. + + + A Real User: + + Is not impressed when he calls a board and dosn't get amazed when he sees a +spinning cursor or backspace. + + + + An unreal user: + + Calls a Catsend line with AE and wonders why nothing happens. + + + A Real User: + + Has a real handle. + + + An unreal user: + + Has a handle like: + + "Poppa Smurf" + "Cream Puff" + "`Pencil Necked Geek`" + + + A Real User: + + Posts messages on the latest cracks or phreaks. + + + An unreal user: + + Calls boards like Ed Gelbs GBBS and thinks its the greatest board ever, and +wants one just like it. + + A Real User: + + Doesn't log on to fifty boards and loose forty of his passwords. + + + An unreal user: + + Calls back a BBS after it tells him or her "This is the last call you can make +for today." + + + A Real User: + + Is logged on to boards with other real users not like "Ben D. Over" + + + An unreal user: + + Watches the entire logon message when he calls. + + + A Real User: + + Doesn't try to log onto BBS's with one drive and two sub-boards. + + + An unreal user: + + Starts wars with the sysop and wonders "Why has my password been deleted?" + + + A Real User: + + Knows what a Cat is. + + + An unreal user: + + Thinks a Cat is a furry four legged creature. + + + A Real User: + + Doesn't use his real name when logging onto a board. + + + An unreal user: + + Doesn't log onto a board with more than one name so when the time runs out he +can call back and have more time. + + + A Real User: + + Has a real computer not like Texas Instruments or Commodore. + + An unreal user: + + When learns how to phreak, phreaks in his own toll free zone. + + + A Real User: + + Doesn't sit by his computer all day and wait to see if his password has been +validated. + + + An unreal user: + + Thinks that the 'Back Door' is somehting on a house. + + + A Real User: + + Doesn't leave feedback to the sysop every time he calls. + + + An unreal user: + + Doesn't have a printer and tries to list out the BBS list of his local crap +board. +--------------------------------------- + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES.1 b/textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES.1 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4770eadb --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES.1 @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Humor Files: Tag Lines and One-Liners

+

+Among the most popular approaches to humor in the BBS world and Internet +has been the clever, witty, gets-you-in-the-back one-liner or "tag line", +which contains an amount of humor way out of proportion to the statement +that generates it. It's one thing to chuckle a few times when you read +a multi-page story, but it's impressive to laugh out loud at a single sentence. +Here's a collection of those single sentences. + +

+ + + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
1liners.cap 57783
 Extremely Large Collection of One-Liners +
ansafone.txt 43174
 A Collection of Funny Answering Machine Messages +
aphorism.txt 6868
 Some General Profundities, Witticisms and General Wisdom +
bbob 2807
 Collection of One-Liners from BOB +
blake.txt 2248
 Blakeisms: Quotes from William Blake +
bonehead.txt 16338
 Steve's Big List of Quotes +
cookie.2 45023
 The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 2 +
cookie.3 49756
 The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 3 +
cookie.4 38238
 The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 4 +
cookie.5 46978
 The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 5 +
cookie.6 32646
 The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 6 +
cookie.7 41825
 The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 7 +
cute.say 4793
 A Collection of Cute Sayings from Michael J. Irvin (August 7, 1989) +
fdt 4120
 Some Taglines Seen on the SuperDuperInfoHighway and Byways +
found.hum 27482
 Collection of Amusing Quips, Quotes and Stories +
fudd.txt 5069
 A Collection of Elmer Fuddified Sayings and Taglines +
grouchy.txt 31514
 Some Quotes from Various People +
misc_pro.quo 3754
 Miscellaneous Programmer Quotes +
morequot.jok 1479
 Quotes from Lecturers at Cambridge University +
oscar.wil 982
 Quotes of Oscar Wilde +
quoterwz.txt 43083
 The Big Ol' Quotes File +
quotes-1.txt 46721
 Large Collection of Jokes and Quotes +
quotes-2.txt 55855
 Second Part to the Large Collection of Jokes and Quotes +
quotes.bug 2384
 Collection of Lesser Known Quotes from the Engineers of Hewlett Packard +
quotes.frt 102576
 Large Collection of Funny Quotes +
quotes.hum 24619
 Some Random Quotes from Around the World +
quotes.jok 16782
 Collection of Interesting Quotes from All Over +
quotes.txt 35079
 Some Quotes from the Usenet Newsgroup "rec.arts.comics" +
quotes2.hum 23381
 Some Additional Random Quotes From Around the World +
quotes2.txt 15244
 Very Large Collection of Historical Quotes +
random.txt 4250
 Random Assortment of Taglines +
taglines.txt 25856
 Alphabetized Collection of Computer-Oriented Taglines +
text.txt 98645
 Large Collection of Quotes +

There are 33 files for a total of 957,352 bytes.
+ diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/.windex.html b/textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/.windex.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4430fad6 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/.windex.html @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ + +T E X T F I L E S + +

Humor Files: Tag Lines and One-Liners

+

+Among the most popular approaches to humor in the BBS world and Internet +has been the clever, witty, gets-you-in-the-back one-liner or "tag line", +which contains an amount of humor way out of proportion to the statement +that generates it. It's one thing to chuckle a few times when you read +a multi-page story, but it's impressive to laugh out loud at a single sentence. +Here's a collection of those single sentences. + +

+ + + + + +
+
Filename
Size
Description of the Textfile
1liners.cap 57783
 Extremely Large Collection of One-Liners +
ansafone.txt 43174
 A Collection of Funny Answering Machine Messages +
aphorism.txt 6868
 Some General Profundities, Witticisms and General Wisdom +
bbob 2807
 Collection of One-Liners from BOB +
blake.txt 2248
 Blakeisms: Quotes from William Blake +
bonehead.txt 16338
 Steve's Big List of Quotes +
cookie.2 45023
 The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 2 +
cookie.3 49756
 The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 3 +
cookie.4 38238
 The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 4 +
cookie.5 46978
 The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 5 +
cookie.6 32646
 The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 6 +
cookie.7 41825
 The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 7 +
cute.say 4793
 A Collection of Cute Sayings from Michael J. Irvin (August 7, 1989) +
fdt 4120
 Some Taglines Seen on the SuperDuperInfoHighway and Byways +
found.hum 27482
 Collection of Amusing Quips, Quotes and Stories +
fudd.txt 5069
 A Collection of Elmer Fuddified Sayings and Taglines +
grouchy.txt 31514
 Some Quotes from Various People +
misc_pro.quo 3754
 Miscellaneous Programmer Quotes +
morequot.jok 1479
 Quotes from Lecturers at Cambridge University +
oscar.wil 982
 Quotes of Oscar Wilde +
quoterwz.txt 43083
 The Big Ol' Quotes File +
quotes-1.txt 46721
 Large Collection of Jokes and Quotes +
quotes-2.txt 55855
 Second Part to the Large Collection of Jokes and Quotes +
quotes.bug 2384
 Collection of Lesser Known Quotes from the Engineers of Hewlett Packard +
quotes.frt 102576
 Large Collection of Funny Quotes +
quotes.hum 24619
 Some Random Quotes from Around the World +
quotes.jok 16782
 Collection of Interesting Quotes from All Over +
quotes.txt 35079
 Some Quotes from the Usenet Newsgroup "rec.arts.comics" +
quotes2.hum 23381
 Some Additional Random Quotes From Around the World +
quotes2.txt 15244
 Very Large Collection of Historical Quotes +
random.txt 4250
 Random Assortment of Taglines +
taglines.txt 25856
 Alphabetized Collection of Computer-Oriented Taglines +
text.txt 98645
 Large Collection of Quotes +

There are 33 files for a total of 957,352 bytes.
+ diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/1liners.cap b/textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/1liners.cap new file mode 100644 index 00000000..50d59a97 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/1liners.cap @@ -0,0 +1,1648 @@ +*--* Qmodem Session Capture File *--* +*--* Qmodem Capture File 11/26/87 15:32:31 *--* +13 +ONE LINERS. INTERESTING THINGS TO SAY. + + "Automatic" simply means that you cannot repair it yourself. + + 90% of everything is crud. + + A Project Manager is like the madam in a brothel. His job is to see + that everything comes off right. + + A Smith & Wesson always beats four aces. + + A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. + + A bird in the hand is worth about three Kleenex. + + A child's ability to endure likely stems from his ignorance of + alternatives. + + A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind. + + A closed mouth says nothing wrong; a closed mind does nothing right. + + A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a +More: [Y], [N], [NS]? ns simple system that worked. + + A computer makes as many mistakes in one second as three men working + for thirty years straight. + + A conference is simply an admission that you want somebody else to + join you in your troubles. + + A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog. + + A fellow who is always declaring that he is no fool usually harbors + suspicions to the contrary. + + A fool and his money are some party. + + A friend in power is a friend lost. + + A good listener not only is popular everywhere but also, after a + while, knows something. + + A great deal of money is never enough once you have it. + + A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something. + + A liberalism incapable of fiscal self-discipline brings about a + radical conservatism conspicuous for its selfishness and + insensitivity. + + A major failure will not occur until after the unit has passed final + inspection. + + A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there + himself. + + A man will believe anything that does not cost him anything. + + A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are + lost. + + A miser is a fellow who lives within his income. He is also called a + magician. + + A misplaced decimal point will always end up where it will do the + greatest damage. + + A narrow mind has a broad tongue. + + A neurotic builds castles in the air. + A psychotic lives in castles in the air. + And a psychiatrist is the guy who collects the rent. + + A perfectly calm day will turn gusty the instant you drop a $20 bill. + + A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in + his mouth. + + A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will happen + tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards why + it didn't happen. + + + A seeming ignorance is often a most necessary part of worldly + knowledge. + + A sense of decency is often a decent man's undoing. + + A short cut is the longest distance between two points. + + A stockbroker is someone who invests your money until it is all gone. + + A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. + + A waist is a terrible thing to mind. + + A yacht is a hole in the water, lined with wood, steel, or fiberglass, + through which one pours all his money. + + Academic rivalries are so intense because the stakes are so small. + + Activity is the politician's substitute for achievement. + + Adam Smith revisited: Work creates Wealth, which is then Redistributed + in the holy name of Social Justice. That is to say, what is mine is + yours, and his, and hers, and theirs... + + Adventure is no more than discomfort and annoyance recollected in the + safety of reminiscence. + + After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. + + Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain. + + All great discoveries are made by mistake. + + All skill is in vain when an angel pees in the barrel of your rifle. + + All things are possible. + Except skiing through a revolving door. + + All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin + person. + + All turtle thoughts are of turtle. + + All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. + + All work and no play make Jack a dull boy and Jill a wealthy widow. + + All's well that ends. + + Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. + + Although I may disagree with what you say, I will defend to the death + your right to hear me tell you how wrong you are. + + Always address your elders with respect; they could leave you a + fortune. + + Always convice those whom you are about to deceive that you are acting + in their best interests. + + Always forgive your enemies - nothing else annoys them as much. + + Always mistrust a subordinate who never finds fault with his boss. + + Ambition is the curse of the political class. + + Among economists, the real world is generally considered to be a + special case. + + An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a + complex, incomprehensible truth. + + An economy cannot afford high tech unless it has a basic structure of + other industry to provide the savings that will support high tech + until it begins to pay off. + + An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty. + + An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications. + + An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he + knows absolutely everything about nothing. + + An infinite number of mediocrities do not add up to one genius. + + An open mouth oft-times accompanies a closed mind. + + An unhappy crew makes for a dangerous voyage. + + Anger is never without an argument, or with a good one. + + Any appetite is its own excuse for existing. + + Any component, when inadvertently dropped, will roll into a hiding + place, the inaccessibility of which is proportional to the square of + the component's irreplaceability. + + Any contract drawn in more than 50 words contains at least one + loophole. + + Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete. + + Any machine design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, + two parts which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still + under development. + + Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated terms. + + Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. + + Anyone can handle a crisis. + It's everyday living that kills you. + + Anyone in good enough condition to run three miles a day is in good + enough condition not to have to. + + Art is a passion pursued with discipline; science is a discipline + pursued with passion. + + As scarce as truth is, the supply invariably exceeds the demand. + + As the rabbit said, if that ain't a wolf, it's a hell of a big dog. + + Ask your children what they want for dinner only if they are buying. + + Assumptions, so often full of holes, remain precious to the + convinced. + + At best, life is a spiral and never a pendulum. What has been done + cannot be undone. + + Bad weather forecasts are more often right than good ones. + + Bankers are the assassins of hope. + + Basic research is what you do when you don't know what you are doing. + + Be a corporate good citizen; hire the morally handicapped. + + Be kind to your web-footed friends; that duck may be a buyer. + + There's no intelligent life down here. + + Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone. + + Behind every successful man is an astonished mother-in-law. + + Being king is not much fun if no one knows you are one. + + Bend the facts to fit the conclusion. It's easier that way. + + Beware of all enterprises requiring new clothes. + + Black holes are outa sight! + + Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth. + + Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the crap. + + Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. + + Blessed be he who is called a big wheel, for he goeth around in + circles. + + Bosses come and bosses go, but a good secretary lasts forever. + + Bullshit baffles brains. + + By the time most of us have money to burn, our fire's gone out. + + By working faithfully 8 hours a day, you may eventually get to be a + boss and work 12 hours a day. + + Celibacy is not hereditary. + + Cheer up. + The first hundred years are the hardest! + + Children are a comfort in your old age, and they will even help you + reach it. + + Civil servants are neither civil nor servile. + + Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. + + Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any + system which depends upon human reliability is unreliable. You can + rely on it. + + Confidence is the feeling you had before you knew better. + + Construct a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want + to use it. + + Crime is merely politics without the excuses. + + Crisis management works beautifully until an actual crisis occurs. + + Da trouble wit computers is, dey got no sense of humor. + + Days you attend top-level meetings and days you get hiccups tend to + fall on the same dates. + + Degeneration and evolution are not the same thing. + + Desperate diseases require desperate remedies. + + Did you know that if you maintain a cholesterol-free diet, your body + makes its own cholesterol. + + Diogenes is still searching. + + Distrust your first impressions; they are invariably too favorable. + + Don't be afraid to take a big step. You cannot cross a chasm in two + small steps. + + Don't be so humble...you aren't that great. + + Don't get married if you are afraid of solitude. + + Don't hit a man when he's down unless you are damned certain he won't + get up. + + Don't wear earmuffs in a bed of rattlesnakes. + + Don't worry about what other people are thinking of you. They're too + busy worrying about what you are thinking of them. + + Dr. Faustus, call your service. + + During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the + country. + + Economics is the only calling in which one can have a lifetime + reputation as an expert without ever once being right. + + Education confers understanding, knowledge, and competence; schools + confer degrees. + + Enthusiasm wanes, but dullness lasts forever. + + Eternity is a terrible thought...where will it all end + + Even Mason and Dixon had to draw the line somewhere. + + Even the most faithful believer can serve a false god. + + Every calling is great when greatly pursued. + + Every family tree has some sap. + + Every institution tends to perish through an excess of its own + policy. + + Every society professes the existence of inalienable human rights; + most, however, are somewhat vague as to just what they are. + + Everybody's death simplifies life for someone. + + Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. + + Everything comes to he who waits - providing he has either infinite + patience or infinite wealth. + + Everything east of the San Andreas Fault will eventually plunge into + the Atlantic Ocean. + + Everything not forbidden by the laws of Nature is mandatory. Trouble + is, nearly everything is forbidden. + + Example is not the main thing in influencing others; it is the only + thing. + + Excellence is an option that is renewable. + + Expectations should not determine whether or not one acts, nor how. + + Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give you the + most gorgeous weeds you ever saw. + + Experience is a good teacher, but submits huge bills. + + Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted. + + Experimentation is the mother of confusion. + + Extinction is the ultimate fate of all species. + + Extreme boredom serves to cure boredom. + + Extreme sorrow laughs; extreme joy weeps. + + Extremely happy and extremely unhappy men are alike prone to grow + hard-hearted. + + Facts cannot prevail against faith, or adamant folly. + + Failure is a measurement that depends on the standard applied. + + Fear is no great respecter of reason. + + Feed the wolf as you will; he will always look to the forest. + + Fill what's empty. + Empty what's full. + And scratch where it itches. + + Fire and water. + Matter and anti-matter. + Money and morality. + + First secure an independent income, then practice virtue. + + Fools belittle that which they do not understand. + Cynics belittle everything. + Midgets simply belittle. + + For a man of fortitude, there are no walls, only avenues. + + For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe. + + Freedom can be lost as surely tax by tax, regulation by regulation, as + it can be bullet by bullet, missile by missile. + + Freedom is for everyone. Or no one. + + Freedom of the press is limited to those who have one. + + Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate. + + Frustration is not having anyone else to blame but one's self. + + Get too many irons in your fire and you'll put it out. + + Give all orders verbally. Never write down anything that might go into + a "Pearl Harbor file". + + Give me an example of pro and con. + Progress and Congress. + + Given that Nature limited the intelligence of Man, it seems unfair + that she did not limit the stupidity of Man. + + God can't alter history, so he created historians. + + God has Alzheimer's disease; he's forgotten that we exist. + + God made everything out of nothing. But the nothingness shows + through. + + Government corruption seems always to be reported in the past tense. + + Half of conversation is listening. + + Have a nice day...somewhere else. + + He is all fault who has no fault at all. + + He who dies with the most toys, wins! + + He who does many things makes many mistakes, but never makes the + biggest mistake of all - doing nothing. + + He who endures, wins. + + He who has been bitten by six dogs is legitimately suspicious of the + seventh. + + He who leaves nothing to chance will do very few things wrong, but he + will do very few things at all. + + He who lives on hope has a slender diet indeed. + + He who looks too far ahead stumbles over his own boots. + + He who would climb to the top must leave much behind. + + He who would leap high must take a long run. + + He who would pursue revenge should first dig two graves. + + Hell is l is a city much like Newark. + + Hell is not a place. Hell is what hurts worst. + + History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided. + + History occurs twice - the first time as tragedy, the second time as + farce. + + Honesty in politics is much like oxygen. + The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes. + + Honesty is the best policy - unless, of course, you are dealing with + your wife, your girlfriend, your banker, your employer, the I.R.S., + your creditors... + + How can you tell when a salesman is lying ? + When his lips are moving. + + How come nowadays the word "honesty" is generally preceded by the + phrase "old-fashioned" ? + + How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door + you're on. + + I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer for my friends who exercise. + + If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does + an empty desk mean ? + + If a problem causes too many meetings, then the meetings eventually + become more important than the problem. + + If all else fails, read the destructions. + + If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they couldn't + reach a conclusion. + + If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. + + If builders constructed buildings the way programmers write programs, + then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. + + If doctors' intellects were as big as doctors' egos, this would be a + far healthier world. + + If everything appears to be going well, you obviously don't know what + the hell is going on. + + If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. + + If it's not in the computer, then it doesn't exist. + + If it's rational, if it's logical, and if it makes good common sense, + then it's simply not done. + + If man's best friend is the dog, where does that leave the rest of us? + + + If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by + the page number. + + If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one + will be at fault. + + If one views his problem sufficiently closely, he will recognize + himself as part of the problem. + + If someone gives you so-called good advice, do the opposite; you may + be certain that that will be the right thing nine times out of ten. + + If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against + you, pound the table and yell like hell. + + If the first person who answers the phone can't handle your question, + then it's a bureaucracy. + + If the gods had really intended men to fly, they'd have made it easier + to get to the airport. + + If the government hasn't yet taxed, licensed, or regulated it, then it + probably ain't worth anything. + + If the nation's economists were all laid end to end, they would point + in all directions. + + If the plating work that we do for you is defective, we will refund + your money, redo the parts free, close our plant, and have the plant + manager shot. Will that be satisfactory ? + + If the shoe fits, you're not allowing for growth. + + If the thought of growing old bothers you, consider the alternative. + + If the universe is indeed insane, who is the asylum keeper ? + + If this is the land of the future, why are we all so given to + nostalgia ? + + If truth were a matter of opinion, then the majority would always be + right. + + If you are feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it. + + If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, then + you obviously don't understand what's going on. + + If you cannot convince them, confuse them. + + If you cannot logically refute a man's arguments, not all is lost. You + can always call him nasty names. + + If you cannot understand it, it is intuitively obvious. + + If you disinfect the pond, you kill the lilies. + + If you doubt that Rochesterians believe in God, watch how they drive. + + If you gave a monkey control of its environment, it would fill the + universe with bananas. + + If you live among the wolves, learn to howl like them. + + If you think that mental illness interferes with financial success, + just look at the average television evangelist. + + If you think that no one cares that you're alive, try missing a few + car payments. + + If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. + + If you want to make people angry, lie to them. If you want to make + them absolutely livid, then tell 'em the truth. + + If young women often do marry men like their fathers, no wonder their + mothers cry at their weddings. + + In America, the Secretary of Agriculture catches hell for unmanageable + food surpluses; in Russia, his counterpart goes to Siberia because of + unmanageable food shortages. + + In a mad world, only greater madness succeeds. + + In a permissive society, the cream rises to the top...and so does the + scum. + + In a world that runs on deceit, deception, and duplicity, the honest + man is always at a disadvantage. + + In any organization, there are only two people to contact if you want + results: + the one at the very top and the one at the very bottom. + + In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. + + In death, avoid hell. + In life, avoid the law courts. + + In defeat, malice. + In victory, revenge. + + In designing any type of machine component, no overall dimension can + be totalled accurately after 4:30pm Friday. The correct total will + become self-evident at 8:15am on Monday. + + In doing good, avoid notoriety. In doing evil, avoid self-awareness. + + In hell, treason is the work of angels. + + In jealousy, there is often more self-love than love. + + In order to obtain a loan, you must first prove that you don't need + it. + + In some countries, Chaucer and Dante are the classics. In this + country, it's a soft drink. + + In the Beginning, God created the Organization and gave It dominion + over man. + -Genesis, Article VII, section 3, paragraph C. + + In the final analysis, entropy always wins. + + In the long run, we are all dead. + + In third-world politics, the people with the guns call the shots. + + Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. + + Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in extreme pain. + + Instead of worrying about the boxes in your organizational chart, be + concerned with the people who are boxed in. + + Institutions are more rarely overthrown from without, more often + corroded from within. + + Interesting history is awful living. + + Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy + fortune-tellers take economists seriously. + + It doesn't much matter whom you marry, for tomorrow morning you + discover that it was someone else. + + It is a grave error to allow any mechanical device to realize that you + are in a hurry. + + It is axiomatic that even the strongest of men will fall before a + pygmy with a submachine gun. + + It is better to add life to your years than it is to add years to your + life. + + It is better to be envied than to be consoled. + + It is better to resign from office than it is to die in office; that + way, you get to hear some of the eulogies. + + It is difficult to be politically conscious and upwardly mobile at the + same time. + + It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so + ingenious. + + It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. + + It is often easier to find the truth than it is to accept it. + + It is only in Aesop's fables that an elephant takes advice from a + mouse. + + It is probably better to be insane with the rest of the world than to + be sane alone. + + It is the manner, and not the content, that marks a gentleman. + + It is when the irritation of doubt causes a struggle to attain belief + that the enterprise of thought begins. + + It is wrong to repeat gossip, but what else can you do with it ? + + It takes twenty-five dumb animals to make a fur coat. and only one to + wear it. + + It takes very little to make a woman happy, and more than is contained + in heaven and earth to keep her that way. + + It's difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. + + It's not social oppression that moves wild-eyed revolutionaries; it's + envy, pure and simple. + + It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. + + It's what you learn after you know it all that counts. + + John Donne was wrong. + + Journalism, like prostitution, is a career in which just one foray + makes a professional. + + Just because you are paranoid does not mean that no one is following + you. + + Justice must not only be done; it must be seen to be believed. + + Kill the moneylenders. + + Knowledge can cure ignorance, but intelligence cannot cure stupidity. + + Labor disgraces no man, but often a man disgraces labor. + + Large brains can contain small minds. + + Last weke I cudn't even spel kumpooter programer and today I are one! + + Law remains long after justice flees. + + Leakproof seals - will. + Selfstarters - will not. + Interchangeable parts - won't. + + Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. + + Less of a good thing is sometimes better - ask anyone on a diet. + + Life is a learning experience; the diploma is your death certificate. + + Life is a temporary assignment. + + Life is a terminal condition. + + Life's a bitch. + But, then, consider the alternative. + + Little boys throw stones in jest. + Little frogs die in earnest. + + Live every day as though it were your last. + One day, you'll be right. + + Live within your income, even if you must borrow to do it. + + Locks and keys are for honest people. + + Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with + confidence. + + Lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for. + + Luck, it is said, dislikes working double shifts. + + Making this world better will gain you the greatest credit in the next + one. + + Man does not live by bread alone. + But he damned well doesn't live without it, either. + + Many know how to flatter; few know how to praise. + + Marriage is like burning the house down to toast the bread. + + Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. + + May you live in interesting times. + + Mayflies continually plot to topple the cedar. + + Measure twice 'cause you can only cut once. + + Measured with a micrometer. + Marked with chalk. + Cut with an axe. + + Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have + been exhausted. + + Men heap together the mistakes of their lives and create a monster + they call destiny. + + Middle age is when you wonder if your warranty is running out. + + Miles aren't the only distance. + + Monotony is the law of Nature. Observe the monotonous manner in which + the sun rises. + + More men are sheep in wolves' clothing than the other way around. + + Most men and nations die lying down. + + Mother Nature applies all her rules...all the time. + + Motor gently through the greasemud, for there lurks the skid demon. + + Murphy's Golden Rule: + Whoever has the gold makes the rules. + + Murphy's Law: If it can go wrong, it will...at the worst possible time + and in the worst possible place. + Fisher's Law: Murphy was an optimist. + + Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. + + Never argue with a fool...people may not be able to tell you apart. + + Never claim as a right that which you can ask as a favor. + + Never climb a fence when you can sit on it. + + Never complain; + never explain. + + Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. + + Never eat prunes when you are famished. + + Never embezzle more than your employer can afford. + + Never get into a fight with an ugly person. He has nothing to lose. + + Never get mixed up with economists. Their thinking is muddy and they + have bad breath. + + Never have so many people understood so little about so much. + + Never invest in anything that eats or needs repainting. + + Never let your sense of morality stop you from doing what is right. + + Never make the same mistake twice...there are so many new ones to + make! + + Never marry a woman who prays too much. + + Never mistake good manners for good will. + + Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. + + Never question your wife's judgement...look whom she married. + + Never step in anything soft. + + Never trust anyone who laughs at his own one-liners. + + Never try to teach a pig how to sing. It is a waste of time and it + annoys the pig. + + Never underestimate the power of stupidity. + + Never, ever trust anyone under 30 or over 25. + + Never, ever, insult a telephone answering machine. They have ways of + getting even. + + New systems generate new problems. + + Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as + satisfying as an income tax refund. + + No class of Americans has ever objected to any amount of government + meddling if it appeared to benefit that particular class. + + No man's knowledge goes beyond his experience. + + No man's life, liberty, or property are safe whilst the legislature is + in session. + + No matter how bad your kid is, he's still good for a tax exemption. + + No matter how long or how diligently you shop for a machine, once + you've purchased it, it will be on sale for 30% less. + + No name, no matter how simple, can be correctly understood over the + phone. + + No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. + + No one ever found marvels by seeking them. + + No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. + + Not all the kookies are in the jar. + + Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee. + + Nothing in our history is plainer, or more tragic, than the gulf + between cleverness and wisdom. + + Nothing in the universe arouses more false hopes than the first four + hours of a diet. + + Nothing irritates a standard American corporate executive quite so + much as the sight of someone actually daring to practice capitalism. + + Nothing is illegal if 100 businessmen decide to do it. + + Nothing is really labor unless you would rather be doing something + else. + + Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest + day's work. + + + Odds are, the phrase "It's none of my business" will be followed by + "but". + + Of those teaching in today's schools, 80 percent are paid twice what + they are worth and 20 percent are paid half what they are worth. + + Old age is like a burglar. + It robs you of all the goodies and leaves the rubbish. + + Old men and comets have long been revered for the same reasons; their + long beards and their supposed ability to foretell events. + + Old men make wars. + Young men fight them. + + On the ONE day you take your secretary to lunch, your wife will be + lunching in the same restaurant. + + Once upon a time, there were two Chinamen. + Now look how many there are. + + Once you understand the problem, you find that it is worse than you + expected. + + One goddamned thing leads to another goddamned thing. + + One good thing about living on a farm is that you can fight with your + wife and ain't nobody gonna hear. + + One lawyer = a crook. + Two lawyers = a law firm. + Three or more lawyers = a legislature. + + One may generally observe a singular accord between supercelestial + ideas and subterranean behavior. + + One sees more clearly backward than forward. + + One thing you can say for kids: they don't go around showing pictures + of their grandparents. + + Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. + + Our architect's plans for plant renovation begin with a precision air + strike. + + Peace is a premise the existence of which we have deduced from the + intervals between wars. + + People are always available for work in the past tense. + + People use the most words when they are the least certain of what they + are saying. + + People who cough a lot never go to the doctor...just to movies, + concerts, and lectures. + + People who have no faults are terrible: there is no way to take + advantage of them. + + People who live in a golden age complain that everything looks + yellow. + + People, like turtles, make little progress without sticking their + necks out. + + Pessimists are the world's happiest people.... + Ninety percent of the time they are right, and the other ten percent + they are pleasantly surprised. + + Pinocchio was such a dolt to try to become a human being. He was much + better off with a wooden head. + + Policemen with private motives are dangerous. + + Political cunning should never be mistaken for intelligence. + + Politicians are much like ships: noisiest when lost in a fog. + + Politicians deal with the public on the basis of the mushroom policy: + Keep them in the dark and feed them manure. + + Practical politics consists of ignoring the facts. Come to think of + it, practical anything consists of that. + + Proctologist's revenge: put Ben-Gay in a guy's tube of Nupercainal. + + Proof-positive that Eastern and Western technologies can indeed work + together: the Teflon-coated wok. + + Psychopaths aren't born. They are made. + + Rabbits dance at the funeral of the lion. + + Reality precedes perception. + Except, of course, in southern California. + + Remember the good old days When juvenile delinquency was observed + mainly in juveniles + + Remember when "There's something in the air" was just a figure of + speech + + Respect for ourselves guides our morals; deference to others governs + our manners. + + Revenge is a dish best served cold. + + Roughing it is television without cable. + + Rumors are the sauce of a dry life. + + Saints engage in introspection while burly sinners run the world. + + Scandal, like hypocrisy, is bipartisan. + + Science has finally found what distinguishes Man from the other + beasts: financial worries. + + Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and finding the + farmer's daughter. + + Show me anything whereof it may be said "See, this is new," and I will + show you it hath been. + + Shrink not from blasphemy - t'will pass for wit. + + Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex. + + Since few large pleasures are lent to us on a long lease, it is wise + to cultivate a large undergrowth of small pleasures. + + Small things entertain small minds. + + Smooth seas never made a good sailor. + + Some people are always lost in thought; other people lack thoughts + large enough to be lost in. + + Some people can look so busy that they seem indispensable. + + Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week. + + Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote + the book or even what book. + + Sometimes it is good to be only a fly when giants are fighting for the + heavens. + + Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar. + - S. Freud + + Songs unheard are sweeter far. + + Stress is that condition created when the mind overrides the body's + basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who + desperately needs it. + + Strong words connote weak arguments. + + Succeeding is more satisfying than success. + + Success consists of reaching 40 before your waist does. + + Support your local bloodhound. + Get lost. + + Sympathy is what you give a relative when you don't want to lend him + cash. + + Take care which rut you choose; you'll be in it for the next ten + years. + + Taking something with a grain of salt may raise your blood pressure. + + Tatoos are the common man's way of investing in art. + + Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not + understand. + + Television is chewing gum for the eyes. + + Tell a man that there are 500 million trillion stars in the universe + and he will believe you. Tell him that there's wet paint on that + bench.... + + Tempt not a desperate man. + + That which is crooked cannot be made straight, although there are + psychotherapists who might disagree. + + The Boy Scout credo: sound mind, sound body...take your choice. + + The British parliament is called the "Mother of Legislatures". A + somewhat similar term is often applied to Congress. + + The Devil's greatest triumph was convincing the modern world that he + doesn't exist. + + The Russians will never invade us...there's no place to park. + + The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical + cord. + + The average U.S. taxpayer is proud to be paying taxes. Of course, he + could be just as proud for half the money. + + The best bilge pump in the world is a terrified sailor with a bucket. + + The best way to achieve immortality is by not dying. + + The best way to attract money is to give the appearance of having it. + + The best way to avoid growing old is not to be born so soon. + + The best way to make fire with two sticks is to insure that one of + them is a match. + + The best way to save face is to keep the lower half closed. + + The bigger they are, the harder they punch. + + The biggest idiot can ask questions the smartest man cannot answer. + + The danger in being king is that after a while you begin to believe + you really are one. + + The deepest and most important virtues are often the dullest ones. + + The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the + level of management. + + The fifteen minute morning coffee break is when your employees take a + break from doing nothing. + + The first great gift that we can bestow upon others is a good + example. + + The first place in which to look for something is the last place in + which you expect to find it. + + The fraudulence of the exercise is proportional to the margin of + victory. + + The galaxy is full of dishonorable men ...Well, everyone's got to make + a living. + + The gap between theory and practice is filled with apology. + + The great classes of people will more easily fall victims to a great + lie than to a small one. + + The great tragedy of our era is not the significance of things but the + insignificance of things. + + The healthy stomach is nothing if not conservative; few radicals have + good digestions. + + The human brain is a wonderous instrument. It starts working the + moment you wake up and doesn't stop until you get to the office. + + The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. + There was a knock on the door... + + The last time doctors went on strike, the death rate dropped thirty + percent. + + The later you are for your flight, the more times you have to go + through the metal detector. + + The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the + poor to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets, and steal bread. + + The lawyer's credo: if you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle + 'em with bullshit. + + The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming + train. + + The longer you wait in line, the greater the probability that it is + the wrong line. + + The man who is always talking about being a gentleman never is one. + + The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the probability + that the competition already has the order. + + The most beautiful days of the year are always the days just before + and just after your vacation. + + The most successful journey is a dull journey. + + The mouse dreams dreams that would terrify the cat. + + The nice thing about scientific studies is that you can always find + one that proves conclusively that your product is safe and that your + competitor's causes cancer. + + The number of employees in any work group tends to increase + irrespective of the amount of work to be done. + + The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the + stupidity of what you're doing. + + The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time + the boss comes strolling through the plant. + + The only government handout that I want is the government's hand out + of my pocket. + + The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race. + + The only people that snobs want to know are those who don't want to + know them. + + The only people to profit from the mistakes of others are + biographers. + + The only perfect science is hindsight. + + The only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig is the female + version. + + The only things in history that are inevitable are those that have + already happened. + + The only valid generalization that can be made about scientists is + that they require unlimited resources for improbable projects of + interminable gestation periods. + + The opera ain't over 'til the fat lady sings. + + The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the + fundamental solvency of the firm. + + The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic + tank....The really big chunks always rise to the top. + + The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of + winning. + + The person who marries for money generally ends up earning it. + + The person who snores the loudest will fall asleep first. + + The price of total freedom is total anarchy. The price of total + security is total enslavement. + + The primary function of the design engineer is to make things + difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. + + The probability of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side + down is proportional to the cost of the carpet. + + The probability of your alarm not going off increases in direct + proportion to the importance of your 8:00am meeting. + + The promises of maniacs, like those of salesmen, are not safely relied + upon. + + The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but + that's the way to bet 'em. + + The rat race is over. The rats won. + + The real crime in education today is not the way we treat teachers but + whom we allow to be teachers. + + The real outrage today isn't what's illegal. + It's what is legal. + + The reason the way of the sinner is hard is because it is so crowded. + + The reason why worry kills more people than work does is that more + people worry than work. + + The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before. + + The saddest of words: I always wanted to but never did. + + The secret of staying young is finding an age that you really like and + then sticking with it. + + The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got + it made. + + The ship of state is the only ship that leaks at the top. + + The smaller the issue, the bigger the fight. + + The sole reliable test of a first-rate intelligence is to hold two + opposite ideas in the mind whilst still retaining the ability to tie + one's own shoe + laces. + + The sooner man begins to spend his wealth, the better he uses it. + + The strongest part of any paper form is the perforation. + + The successful enjoyment of vice requires training and long practice. + + The sun ariseth and the sun goeth down, and the same things come alike + to the righteous and the wicked. + + The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive. + + The tale of the errant entrepreneur: + High chair; high school; high hopes; high finance; "Hi, Warden!". + + The universe is governed by a committee; no one man could make that + many mistakes. + + The very same American textile industry that lobbies hysterically + against the import of textile products imports virtually all its + textile manufacturing machinery...I wonder why + + The whole of life is futile unless you regard it is a sporting + proposition. + + The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that + feel. + + The world is disgracefully managed; one hardly knows to whom to + complain. + + Them that has, gets. + + There are no moral messages in Nature. + + There are only four basic plots in life, and nine in literature. + + There are those who make things happen. + There are those who watch things happen. + And there are those who wonder what happened. + + There are three rules for successfully managing people: + Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. + + There are three types of deliberate falsehoods: lies, damned lies, and + salesmen's promises. + + There are two kinds of men who never amount to much: those who cannot + do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else. + + There are two periods in which Congress does no business: one is + before the holidays and the other is after. + + There is a time for everything. + Mostly, the wrong time. + + There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on. + + There is an optimal size for any project, and it is always bigger than + you can afford. + + There is no truth in the rumor that man is immortal. + + There is nothing like a grievance to sharpen an old man's wits. + + There is nothing more terrible than ignorance in action. + + There is nothing wrong with you that an expensive surgical operation + cannot prolong. + + There is wisdom in madness and strong probability of truth in all + accusations, for people are complete, and everybody is capable of + anything. + + There's nothing wrong with gluttony...providing you don't overdo it. + + These days, an education is essential for career success. Unless, of + course, you run for Congress. + + They don't invite you to the White House for a drink because they + think you are thirsty. + + Things get worse under pressure. + + Those things are better which are perfected by Nature than those which + are finished by art. + + Those who beat their swords into plowshares generally end up plowing + for those who didn't. + + Those who can - do. + Those who can't - teach. + Those totally devoid of useful ability become government economists. + + Those who can't teach - administer. + Those who can't administer - run for public office. + + Those who do not follow are dragged. + + Those who do not learn from history often end up making it. + + Those who like sausage or political policy should not watch either + being made. + + Time is a great teacher, but it kills all its pupils. + + To a little fish, the waters are always deep. + + To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail. + + To a weary horse, even his own tail is a burden. + + To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer. To + create utter chaos with no perceivable possibility of salvation calls + for an MBA. + + To have honesty coupled to beauty is to have honey the sauce to + sugar. + + To hear tell a hundred times is not as good as once seeing. + + To spot the true expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take + the longest and cost the most. + + To understand the clay is not to understand the pot. + + Today's conservative is yesterday's liberal who got mugged last + night. + + Too much of anything is wonderful. + + Truth is a hard master to serve, for the more devotedly you serve her, + the more she hurts you. + + Truth is very precious, so salesmen and politicians use it very + sparingly. + + Tyranny is always better organized than freedom is. + + Under some conditions, in some place, at some time, there will always + be at least one law, ordinance, or statute under which you can be + booked. + + Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of temperature, + pressure, humidity, time, and voltage, the machine will do as it + damned well pleases. + + Unfaithfulness in the keeping of an appointment is an act of clear + dishonesty. + + You may as well take a person's money as his time. + + Universities are full of knowledge. The freshmen bring a little in and + the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. + + Virtue does not lend itself to the same verbal enthusiasms that vice + does. + + Virtue is a social liability. + + We ain't cheap, but by gosh, we're good! + + We are all passengers in the leaky rowboat of life. So, bail faster, + damn it! + + We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have + never deceived us. + + We do not know who first discovered water. However, we are confident + that it was not a fish. + + We don't know one millionth of one per cent about anything. + + We know what we are, but not what we may be. + + Welcome to the totally-automated, fully computerized world of the + twenty-first century, where nothing can go wrong...go wrong...go + wrong... + + What do the lie detector and Wonder Woman have in common They were + invented by the same person. + Kinda figures, doesn't it. + + What do you call 500 bureaucrats at the bottom of the Potomac river ? + A start. + + What people say behind your back is your standing in the community. + + What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. + + Whatever is not nailed down is the government's. Whatever the + government can pry loose is not nailed down. + + When I works, I works fast. + When I plays, I plays hard. + And when I thinks, I falls asleep. + + When a broken machine is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work + perfectly. + + When a man dies, he does not die just of the disease he has; he dies + of his whole life. + + When anything is used to its full potential, it will break. + + When comes the revolution, things will be different - not better, just + different. + + When in doubt, mumble. + When in trouble, delegate. + + When in trouble or in doubt, + Run in circles, yell and shout. + + When men are easy in their circumstances, they are naturally enemies + to innovation. + + When smashing monuments, always save the pedestals - they come in + handy. + + When the hounds bay, the fox and the rabbit are brothers. + + When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole very near by. + + When the old dog barks, better look out the window. + + When there is no danger in fighting, there is no glory in winning. + + When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. + + When you've read about one train wreck, you've read about them all. + + Whenever a man casts a longing eye at public office, a rottenness + appears in his conduct. + + Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damned fool + discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it + totally beyond recognition. + + Where you stand on an issue depends upon where you sit. + + Who mourns the falling of a single leaf ? + + Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. + + Why do they always start off the evening news with "Good evening" when + all they do is tell you why it isn't ? + + Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money ? + + Why long for glory, which one despises as soon as one has it ? + + Women like silent men. They think they're listening. + + Women's taste in neckties is as bad as men's in chintz. + + Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling. + + Workers these days don't mind putting in an honest day's work. Trouble + is, it takes 'em a week to do it. + + Would that reason were as contagious as emotion. + + Would you fly in an airliner designed and built by the lowest bidder? + + Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, I shall + fear no evil, 'cause I'm the meanest s.o.b. in the valley. + + Years ago, the symbol of America was the bald eagle. Today, it is the + beer bottle on the side of the road. + + You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind + word. + + You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. + + You can say this for death and taxes: when you are done with one, + you're done with the other. + + You can't drown your troubles, not the real ones, because if they are + real, they can swim. + + You can't have a clear head when there is a sword hanging over it. + + You can't win. + + You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know when it will be + too late. + + You cannot reason a man out of that which he has not been reasoned + into. + + You cannot tame a tiger by pulling but one of his teeth. + + You know that it's gonna be a bad day when you call Suicide Prevention + and they put you on hold. + + You know you are in trouble when you come to work in the morning and + the boss tells you not to take off your coat. + + You know you are in trouble when your only son tells you he wishes + Anita Bryant would mind her own business. + + You may not get what you pay for, but you always pay for what you + get. + + You never know how many friends you have until you own a house at the + beach. + + You only go around once, and there's not enough gusto for everyone. + + You rarely observe a mob rushing across town to do a good deed. + + You've one mouth and two ears...use them in that proportion. + + Your freedom to swing your arm ends where my nose begins. + +ONE LINERS. INTERESTING THINGS TO SAY. + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/ansafone.txt b/textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/ansafone.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..604b303a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/ansafone.txt @@ -0,0 +1,981 @@ +Complements of NAC-Jack BBS from USENET + +---------------------------------------------------- +Last week I requested answering machine messages. Here are the ones I've +gotten so far: + +[I haven't posted names of originators because I'm lazy and editing this was +already a pain. Sorry.] + +Ron + +---------------------------------------------------- +This is one of my old ones that got a lot of laughs: + + + + +Noisy pick-up of phone + +Uh... Hello? + +Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. +If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige +where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live? + +---------------------------------------------------- +But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message. +Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone +at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and +then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message. +Feh! + +---------------------------------------------------- +[Must have good Australian accent] +G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with +this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you. + +---------------------------------------------------- +This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and +number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word +is supercilious ...} + +---------------------------------------------------- +The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, +phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret +password. + +---------------------------------------------------- +Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, +and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast. + +---------------------------------------------------- +Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was: +"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message." +Really confused people. + +---------------------------------------------------- +A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler +in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the +future.... + +------------------------------------------------ +Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND +ON THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over +...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for +dinner. After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! +...shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD... + +------------------------------------------------ +Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking. +I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and +Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible. + +------------------------------------------------ +"Hi! You have reached 579-7599. This is an answering machine. This is the +Eighties. You know what to do." + +------------------------------------------------ +My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave +your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. + +------------------------------------------------ +Ring, Ring: +The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the +new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA! + +------------------------------------------------ +"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! +(your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's +spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..." + +------------------------------------------------ +One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a +rather interesting one: + +Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and +MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss +and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a +messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating +at all different pitches} + +------------------------------------------------ +Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing +message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we +usually used during exam time was: + +{background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud} +Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now... +{ BJ screams PRESSURE!!! } +So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end +date) +{ BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! } + +------------------------------------------------ +My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded +off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great +recording (call after 5 pm for the message). + +[Give it try! -pZ] + +------------------------------------------------ + +In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans. + + Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure +palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll +get back to you in whatever way we can. + +You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one... + +------------------------------------------------ + [b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented] + "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer + because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave + a message..." etc. + +------------------------------------------------ + [the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush] + (after about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. + we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers. + please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before + the beep.) + +------------------------------------------------ +(Spoken in a granny voice) + +"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like +no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody +got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay +it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a +lot." + +Must be spoken in a drawl. + +------------------------------------------------ +Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but... +>From Calvin and Hobbes: + +(phone rings) +(you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza +with extra anchovies. +(other person) What? +(you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number. +(hang up) + +Make everyone's day a little more surreal. + +------------------------------------------------ +"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking +and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, +well, what can I say? + +------------------------------------------------ +In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. +[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex] +But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... +[sound effect: dial tone] +Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, +it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? +Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you +hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! + +------------------------------------------------ +"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a +message and if we like it we will return your call". + +------------------------------------------------ +However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day +per year: "This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please +leave a message or call back after the holiday." No one wants to admit not +having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from +the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves +me no bad news or requests for favors. + +------------------------------------------------ +"This is David. Talk." + +------------------------------------------------ +"Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a +sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. +When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one." + +------------------------------------------------ +[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...] +"Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead +reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name +and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can." + +------------------------------------------------ +"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, +I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your +name and number..." + +------------------------------------------------ + "Hello?" "Sorry, he's not here right now, +but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you." + +------------------------------------------------ +(woman taped off a "phone sex" service) + +WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely +when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ... + +YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone.. +(then ask for a message) + +------------------------------------------------ +Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine: + + "Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we +were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a +message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually." BEEP + +My favorite post quake message: + + "Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING! + Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got." + +------------------------------------------------ +"Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. + If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. + Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage + with a vacuum cleaner." + +------------------------------------------------ +Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just +a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to +click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back +to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... +uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please +leave a message and I'll call you back. + +(this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after +she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.) + +------------------------------------------------ + I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather +reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call +first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the +phone with: + " Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking." + " Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG) + " Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?" + " Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct: + T minus one minute and counting" + And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of +the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with +that phone. + "Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there +is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on +screen?" (silence...click) + "Van +couver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are +phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had +managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits. + +------------------------------------------------ +A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for +beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely, +horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. +IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING +BETTER." + +------------------------------------------------ + Hi this is . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. + Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back. + +------------------------------------------------ +In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music + Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession. +At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get +back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. + +------------------------------------------------ +"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone +right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll +have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in +next week's National Enquirer." + +------------------------------------------------ +"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right +now, but if you leave your name ...", etc. + +------------------------------------------------ +(Annoying flute music in background) +Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. +Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, +number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct +in thirty seconds. +Good Luck, Jim. + +------------------------------------------------ +A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while +the STAR TREK theme plays in the background. + 1: Room 17, the final frontier. + 2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2 semester + mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number. + 3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. + +------------------------------------------------ + "Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. +Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's +not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......" + +------------------------------------------------ + "This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment, +please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking) +Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later." + +------------------------------------------------ +"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?" + +------------------------------------------------ +Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if... +Matt: Steve, what are you doing? +Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. +Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn. +Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn. +Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn. +Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing + with that frying pan?!? + BONK [really loud thud] +Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number. + +------------------------------------------------ +[imitating Mr. Rogers] +"Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone. +Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? +Sure...I knew you could." + +------------------------------------------------ +[imitating Ensign Chekov] +"Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he +kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you +leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as +he can!" + +------------------------------------------------ +"You have reached the , Strategic Air Command Nuclear +Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right +now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of +targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day." + +------------------------------------------------ +"We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please +leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express +account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval." + +------------------------------------------------ + "Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now + because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made + up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the + resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. + So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my + component particles have been restored to their normal charges." + +------------------------------------------------ + "Speak, worm!" + Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice. + +------------------------------------------------ + "You know what to do at the tone." + +------------------------------------------------ + "Hello?" + This confuses anyone who doesn't know you. + +------------------------------------------------ + "Hello, I'm not here." + A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with + "Okay, that's all I wanted to know." + +------------------------------------------------ + Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. +If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, +that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris +is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one +else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. +Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. + +------------------------------------------------ +One voice: I didn't expect an answering machine. + +Another voice: + Nobody expects an answrering machine. + Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number. + Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And + message. (damn) + Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and + message. And time you called. + Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so + just wait for the beep. + +------------------------------------------------ +(in an Italian mafia-style tone:) +"Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to + stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a +little...