diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0414.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0414.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0009ecab --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0414.txt @@ -0,0 +1,75 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #414 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Meet Betty" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/10/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I have to admit, I have a horrible crush on every single guy + online. + + It's true. Some guys suck me in worse than others. However, + the bottom line remains, I could probably have some kind of bizarre + sexual fantasy about anyone online, provided they were single. + + I don't know why I let *girlfriends* or *wives* stop me from + fantasizing, but quite frankly, the thought of sharing someone with + another girl turns me off. Call me old-fashioned or crazy or whatever, + I'm just not the harem girl type. And besides, the mere thought of + some other girl getting something good from someone I'm messing around + with just utterly repulses me. + + However, I am aware that not every guy in the universe wants to + have drooly modem chicks dreaming of their naked wet bodies. That's + okay, I completely accept that. But don't think that I'm going to stop + dreaming just because someone doesn't think I should. If you don't want + to be fantasized about, you need a sure-fire cream dream killer: a + girlfriend. And if this is not prudent at this juncture in your life, + then you need the next best thing: Betty. + + Betty is the all-purpose, imaginary, brush-off-the-modem-chicks + girlfriend. She's beautiful. She's busty. She's got an ass you can + bounce quarters on. She's done things in bed that make Amber Lynn + blush. Best of all, she can't stand little puppy dog modem girls and + is an expert in Judo. + + Betty is as easy to use as a Fisher Price Little People Barn + (the one that goes "MOOOOO"). Here's an example of Betty in motion: + + I looked at your pics. *giggles* You're cute! + Yeah, my girlfriend certainly thinks so. + Oh, you have a girlfriend? *sigh* + Yeah, her name is Betty. She's beautiful. She's busty. + She's got an ass you can bounce quarters on. She's done + things in bed that make Amber Lynn blush. And she doesn't + like modem girls and is an expert in Judo. + You no longer find you to be cute. + + Of course, Betty should be used with caution. Although most + modem girls (about 80% or so) would see Betty's name mentioned and + turn tail and run, there are those oddballs out there who don't see + Betty as much of a threat. + + I want to have sex with you. + But, I have a girlfriend. + So what. + Her name is Betty. She's beautiful. She's busty. She's + got an ass you can bounce quarters on. She's done things + in bed that make Amber Lynn blush. And she doesn't like + modem girls and is an expert in Judo. + I *am* Amber Lynn. And I want you both to try and make me + blush. + + There's never a sad ending! You never look like a jerk by + brushing off an ugly girl! You can't lose with Betty. + + Except, you're still home. + + Alone. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #414, WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 1/10/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0415.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0415.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..66effb95 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0415.txt @@ -0,0 +1,59 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #415 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Picking Your Ass in Public" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Anjee !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/10/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + There is always at least one little thing that happens during + the day, that no matter how minor it may be, is extremely annoying. + These things happen to every single one of us, and we are always trying + to find a way around them, attempting to avoid weird looks and crazy + stares (well, most of us). A not-so-special outing to the restaurant + tonight inspired me to write this article, my sister thinks I am a + psycho, but that's okay. Because I am! + + Most of you must know how it feels like to be in the middle of a + fast-food restaurant, getting ready to leave as the place is begining to + fill up when suddenly, your underpants seemed to have lodged themselves + in your asscrack. You desperately try to ignore the violating feeling + fearing what the others may think. But why? I say that you should just + grab ahold of those uncomfortable panties and yank them right out of + where they absolutely do not belong. Every single person (except the + little kids in Ethiopia, because they just wear torn shirts) does it, + and you shouldn't feel ashamed for trying to rid yourself of the + awkward feeling of having fabric that seems to have accomodated itself + in your asscrack without any previous warnings. + + As to every rule, there is an exception... like I said earlier, + I believe it is very okay and normal to want to pull your panties out + of your ass (or depending on the situation -- grabbing your bra to + replace it), however, I also believe that this should be done subtlely. + I was explaining to my sister that it would be totally wrong to + violently pull those underpants while letting "UGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!@#!@$!" + sounds escape from your mouth. That is, unless you like attention -- a + lot of it. + + There are many people who are afraid that they will be ridiculed + for doing what I described above, but those who normally point and + laugh are most often little 7 year old runts, so who cares? Although + if you were litterally picking dingleberries from out of your asshairs + in the middle of the mall, I too, would laugh. Not only would I laugh, + I would laugh hysterically and begin rolling on the floor, turn bright + red and convulse. Either that or I would quickly make my way to the + nearest garbage/washrooms to barf. + + In conclusion, everyone has a right to grab their asses, in + public or in private as long as it is done it a not-so-noticable + manner, unless you are at home, then it doesn't really matter. It is + YOUR right, unlike many other rights -- this one is kind of useful. So + go ahead, don't be afraid. + + GO RIGHT AHEAD AND PICK OUT THOSE LITTLE PANTIES!@ + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #415, WRITTEN BY: ANJEE - 1/10/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0416.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0416.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9f0d7a70 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0416.txt @@ -0,0 +1,119 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #416 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "A Package For a Girl" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Styx !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/10/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Dear Melanie, + + I am running on 3 hours of sleep so don't expect any of this to + make sense. I've got a big container full of coffee in front of me that + I brought here to work but I forgot that coffee makes me sick. Infact, + most things I eat or drink make me sick. My stomach hates everything + besides vodka, nicotine, and tangerines. Um.. I only said tangerines + because it rhymed with nicotine. I'm not complaining. I wish I could + go to sleep. I'm still not complaining. + + I barely remember anything that's happened in the past year. It's + really unnerving. I feel like I'm finally waking up from _something_, I + just hope I won't want to go back to sleep afterwards. + + I think that if you get flattered too much, you start to think you + can do no wrong. I'm not so sure flattery is such a good thing anymore. + + An old friend of mine just stopped by to say hi. I wonder if he + feels better? I hate it when people do that. + + "MATT!!! say something HAPPY!!!" + + You know what would make me happy right this second? Being with + somebody that's capable of maintaining comfortable silences. For + instance, let's say I have a friend/girlfriend over and he/she is + sitting on my bed watching TV and I am sitting on the floor putting new + strings on my guitar, or *whatever*, and neither of us are talking or + even making eye-contact, yet we both feel secure enough in our + relationship that neither of us care. He/she enjoys the TV and I enjoy + my new guitar strings and both of us are content just to be in each + other's presence. That would be the best fucking relationship in the + world, but I doubt anybody is capable. Hell, I've never seen it; not + in friends or girlfriends or boyfriends or fathers or anything. + + People are so wrapped up in the trivial details of their + relationships instead of being concerned about the important things. A + relationship is _two people co-existing comfortably_. That's all. It's + that simple. When one person begins to feel uncomfortable, the + relationship ends. That's all. It's that simple. Anything else is + irrelevant. + + That's _all_. It's _that simple_. + + Until you find somebody that you're consistently comfortable with, + all you're doing is playing the game. The worst part about it is that + it's necessary and inevitable. You either play the little games or + you're alone. I'm not sure which is worse. + + Maybe the worst thing is to play the game _and_ be alone. You do + the whole socializing bit and you surround yourself with your boring, + shallow, useless friends, but you still end up alone at the end of the + night anyway and you do it on purpose. + + I'm _still_ not complaining. + + I'm progressing past all of this; at least, I've taken the first + few steps. "All is fair in love and war." Whoever said that was right. + If things don't work out, you step right over it. It isn't callous or + heartless, it's just making sure that you come out of things alright. + The _last_ thing it is is "selfish," quote unquote. Since when did + self-preservation become self-ish, anyway? I must've missed that + meeting. + + It's too bad everyone is such a physical whore. Most relationships + I've witnessed _began_ with sex. What the hell? Isn't sex sacred + anymore? Whatever happened to our priorities and morals? There's + barely anyone left. + + What gets me the most are the people who wait two or three weeks + before having sex with each other and they think they're hot shit for + waiting that long; no, they're just as disgusting as the people who fuck + on the first day. The only difference is the time. I'm not saying + there's a specific time frame that applies to every relationship as far + as when having sex goes, but three weeks? That's called being a whore + in my world. + + I wish I could just go home and sleep. I'm so tired. + + You know, in the relationship I had before, we waited _twenty-two_ + months before sleeping with each other. It was because we had morals + and stable priorities. As cataclysmic as the relationship turned out to + be in the end, we *always* respected ourselves and each other when it + came to sex. That doesn't mean I'm better than anyone else, but shit, + maybe it does. Can you think of any guy you know that would wait + twenty-two months, Melanie? + + Yet it seems that once somebody loses their virginity, they feel + that there's no more sense in waiting with anybody else. They've + already had sex so there's no boundaries; it's easy, now. Idiots! They + just don't understand and they never will because they're too busy + fucking people and watching TV to stop for a moment and _think_. AIDS + is a blessing. I praise it for knocking these assholes off (credit; + Jeff Koyen). + + You think Montel Williams is going to keep your legs shut, Melanie? + How about music? Your poetry? Mommy? You act on instinct without + second thought, just like the rest of them. + + So here's your fucking package I promised to send. Enclosed with + this letter is ground sirloin steak sealed in a ziplock bag. Take a + long, hard look at it, Melanie, because that's all you've made yourself + out to be -- raw meat. I've named it "human." Take care of it, and + don't let it spoil! Spoiled humans give off a foul scent... + + - Matt + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #416, WRITTEN BY: STYX - 1/10/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0417.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0417.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ebfe1aee --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0417.txt @@ -0,0 +1,67 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #417 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "That Silly Dog" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Trilobyte !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/10/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + i used to be rastafarian, but then i changed my ways. i took + off the multicolored hat of my homeland, i dyed my skin a color akin + to peachish white, and moved away from reggae and ska musics. i grew + to like other things in life, there are so many other things besides + the daily ritual of smoking ganja and loving allah. there's also + growing pot, making love to the wimmen, buying hashish... i moved to + san francisco, land of the rice things and streetcars, and forded + myself a stream across the bloody rivers of the bastioned american + workforce. but all of a sudden, my black facial hair started to grow + uncontrollably. one second i'd shave, and a few minutes later i'd have + a full dreaded beard. it gave away my identity and all the + leather-wearing alligator gay homosexual men would throw me out of the + streetcars and out into the roads of the streets. + + i was down and dejected and depressed and demoralized and + detoxed. so i went to find my reefer. i went into a drug store but + they only had aspirin and these chia pet things, and some old women + selling make-up, which i don't wear, because it doesn't complement my + complexion. well, no more than the darned flourescent lights do. i + went outside and found a dog, which i picked up and put in my coat. + "what is a former rastafarian without a dog?" i ask, but nobody answers. + nobody is listening. it is as if i am playing really bad music in a + crowded room. nobody listens to it but nobody tells me to shut up + because they're afraid someone else is listening and the wouldn't want + to make a really bad impression. you know. + + my eyes became bloodhsot for no reason. i hadn't been smoking + up. i looked around at all the storefronts, there were non that + interested me. i scurried over to the italian restaurant to smoke me + some basil. it smelled like basil, it tasted like basil, it probably + was basil, but doggonit, if that stuff wasn't marijuana! i was more + happy at that moment than during the whole rest of my time in san + francisco. it was time to find love. girls aren't just plastered to + walls of buildings, one has to subvert one's self past the typical + methods of lubrication in order to find unfettered harlots. + + i found one. inside the dog. + + "come out, fair maiden, i will make you whole," i spoke to the + rear of the dog. i could see her in there. + + she breathed a great sigh and came out of the dog. the dog + split open because she was much, much bigger than he. in fact, her + breast alone was the size of a medium-sized schnauzer, yum! i took her + to the drug store to get her some clothing and to clean the dog parts + off of her. i picked up one of the old women working there and wiped + off my woman with it. it wasn't happy about being used as a brush, but + then again, i wouldn't be either. i stepped on it and broke it apart + and threw it at things and knocked them over and knocked up my woman and + now all that was left was to find allah. + + oh, wait, damnit, allah was the dog. isn't that quite a + catch-22. damn. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #417, WRITTEN BY: TRILOBYTE - 1/10/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0418.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0418.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4508a3fc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0418.txt @@ -0,0 +1,50 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #418 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "FuCkelibacy Soot Rant" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Miasma !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/10/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I dunno whats happening with this two ton weight lifting itself + off my soldiers fighting arming themselves against an enema burning in + time over and over ndovr swelling up like 1950 family shows cause my + TV dad shut himself off remote control fever has this ghost town + thinking that its living in a material world and for god sakes man im + not a material girl im a man madam, im adam. So eve can take her ribs + and shove it up her ass cause it would be like sweet nothings in my ear + you're whispering in repetition thats over and over ndovr + + so don't pledge yourself to the egyptian gods cause you arent + worthy embracing in a babbled tongue like serpents caressing each other + with invisible hands cause its magic magic magic tricks and treats and + threats and wreaths cause christmas is coming and santa's got a + reindeer on death row about to fry cause dinner ain't free for everyone + but dead people don't got to eat cause they don't have to worry about + getting thin or fat or fin or that it just keeps speaking to me telling + me things i want to hear so i can write them down and sound like im + ranting like an evil genius franknstein never had this problem did he? + I guess you have to be a monster just for anyone to misunderstand you + in this world. Maybe I'll just grunt and waddle from side to side from + front to back from frick to frack to hell and back cause I'm just not + the type of person who likes that type of weather who likes that type + of leather restraining sex in a society which conceived itself its + liberty baby, mother-fucking liberty. + + Sweet dreams of peppermint of pick up sticks of ice cream flavors + of asking favors cause things are never hard they are always easy easy + easy and its nothing just to bring it back to where it all began cause + crazy people have something to say too we're just too unwilling to + listen cause to hear it you got to sit down for a a minute or too or + five or nineteen and hear those birds chirping and dads burping and + reptiles slurping and other things that rhyme and rhyme in tyme and + time again. It's a manmade thing and it just clanks and whirrs. Like + a machine. proverbial. and intelligible. + + and listening. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #418, WRITTEN BY: MIASMA - 1/10/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0419.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0419.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9dd8b0c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0419.txt @@ -0,0 +1,283 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #419 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Rape and Murder of !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: Katherine Genovese" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> AIDS 1/10/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + A MUSICAL PLAY in one small act. + + (The scene - A courtyard, urban New York street in front of an + apartment building. The stage should be set up like this: + + Window Window + Window Window + Window Window + + Street + + Where each level of window is off the stage, and contains one + member of the cast. The street level is the stage itself, where the + rape and muder takes place. The windows are were the dialoge takes + place.) + + (A scream off-stage. Enter Katherine Genovese and her + attacker. Her attacker throws her to the ground, and begins to rape + her. Lights turn on in all the windows, and the members of the cast + move to them to see the action outside. They see the rape/murder going + on and turn off their lights. However, their silouettes remain + illuminated, allowing us to realize they are still watching the action + like the ghouls and jackals they are.) + + (The attacker takes out his knife, and begins to stab + Genovese brutally while still raping her. One of the silouttes, + preferably a female one, puts her hand to her mouth in horror. But + does nothing.) + + (The top left window lights up, and we see the apartment of + Average Joe. It's tastefully decorated for a blue-color guy in the + nineteen sixties.) + + (Joe's song is sung over the screams of Genovese, which are + audible throughout the entire play and all the songs.) + + Joe: + (verse) + Well, now, I'm just your Average Joe. + Breaking my back to earn some dough. + I work all day, I sleep all night. + Weekends come, I like beer and fights. + I don't want any trouble no time, + so I mind my business and commit no crime. + + (chorus) + It ain't my fault she's getting raped. + It ain't my fault the world isn't fair. + I bet it's her low-cut blouse and mini-skirt; + Maybe it's her long sultry hair. + It ain't my fault she's getting raped. + + Now, I'm just the Average Joe. + I'm not no Superman. + Now her trouble ain't my trouble, though + I wish they'd hurry and end the show, + 'cause I gotta use the can. + + (chorus) + + Oh, please, hurry up and stop! + I can't hardly stand the pain! + The piss'll be running down like rain! + And the shit'll be doing a flop! + Hurry and die! + Hurry and die! + + (chorus) + + (The lights in Average Joe's apartment dim down to the previous + silouette lighting, and the lights in the window next to his turn up. + Concerned Mother take the stage, and sings her blessed heart out.) + + Mother: + (verse) + I certainly hope our children aren't exposed, + No, to them, it most definitely should be closed! + This is adult entertainment only + And of such an indepth nature certainly uncommonly! + Keep it away from their little eyes! + This is for grown gals and guys! + + + (chorus) + Oh, I do love these violent things! + But for our Children, no way, unnuhh! + Stab her in the stomach, don't stop! + Oh, all this blood and rape makes me pop! + This show certainly features divine beings! + + (verse) + Certainly, I love the fight scene! + And the love scenes, they're really keen! + But they're for us! + For the children, I recommend "Toby, The Talking Bus!" + Keep this to ourselves, and we'll never have to share + or worry about their precious little minds being ensnared! + + (chorus) + + (verse) + Some parents aren't as good as me! + Don't keep their children under lock and key! + So I do the job for them, + I play the role of Mother hen. + Blood and guts, that's for me! + And not little Dorothy! + + (chorus) + + (Again, the lights dim, revealing the old silouette. The window + directly beneath her lights up on the apartment of Crazed Sicko. The + room is in disarray.) + + Sicko: + (verse) + I know that girl, know her real well! + When I grabbed her ass, she told me to go to hell! + Well, it serves the bitch right. + Shouldn't have put up a fight. + Could have been on a date with me tonight. + Instead some guy is giving her an indepth tour of + vivisection. + Yeah, he's doing a real nice job of inspection. + Well, I hope you enjoy it, whore! + I hope your head likes that cement floor! + Give her a thrust for me! + + (chorus) + Oh, I hope you're happy now! + Oh, I hope you're happy now! + He's kicking your ass real hard! + Raping you and stabbing you with a metal shard! + Oh, I hope you're happy now! + + (verse) + Kill her! Kill her! Show her death! + I wonder if could have been my breath... + Why did she reject me? + Aren't I good enough for she? + Well, doesn't matter now! + Wouldn't never want to date a girl + whose stomach is a gaping swirl + of blood and flesh! + Perhaps they'll put you back together with wire mesh! + + (chorus) + + (verse) + Eat some death now, little slut! + Why, why, oh why wouldn't you lick my walnut? + Maybe I'll come down and get you after he's gone. + Maybe I won't. + I think I saw something like this in a porn. + A lot of fun it was. + Ah, screw you, I hope you die... just because! + + (chorus) + + (The same time-honored routine. The window next to sickos + illuminates, and reveals Timid Geek. His apartment is impeccable.) + + Geek: + (verse) + Kitty, you're my friend. + Stick together to the very end. + We've laughed together, danced together, + even talked about secret things together. + But how, how can I go down there + and help you? What if he sticks the knife here? + Or here? Or here? Or anywhere on my body? + Something I wouldn't like to hear, that melody. + + (chorus) + Kitty, I want to save you! + But, Kitty, I'm too scared! + That huge man is much feared! + Kitty I want to save you! + But, Kitty, I'm much too scared! + + (verse) + Oh, just hold on, till the police arrive! + Oh, if you can only just stay alive! + They'll help you, and I'll be pleased! + Then my burden will be eased. + I don't want to call them, however. + In self-presevation, I'm a true believer! + What if he found out I made the call? + He'd nail me to the wall! + + (chorus) + + (verse) + I'll miss you Kitty, I'll miss you dearly! + I place a flower on your grave yearly! + You've been a real good friend! + But now, you've met the bitter end! + I can tell by that huge pool of blood, + that's becoming a big red flood, + you're going to die soon! + See you on the other side of the moon! + + (chorus) + + (the same. The window beneath him lights up and reveals Crime + Oriented Old Woman. She sings her song.) + + Old Woman: + (verse) + What's this city coming to? + When people get murdered in the street? + Their blood gets on my shoe! + And dirties my feet! + What if it happened to me? + Where would the police be? + Oh dear me, the crime boggles the mind! + It's an act against human kind! + That poor girl, how badly I feel for her + + (chorus) + This city is a pit! + I really hate it! + I'm scared in my own house! + Like a little mouse! + This city really is a pit! + + (verse) + Murder and rape is just the least of it! + Why do the police permit? + They even stole my golden necklace! + Broke in and took it right off my face! + Thieves! They took my necklace! + And stole everything else in the place! + Everything I worked and slaved for! + They wouldn't even let me talk to the prosecutor! + Too busy for petty theft, they said! + I'd like to smack his head! + + (chorus) + + (verse) + My daughter was mugged the other night! + Gave us such a fright! + Getting so that girls can't even walk outside. + No one has any more civic pride! + No cares that these things happen! + + (chorus) + + (the same. The window next to her lights up and reveals Pissed + Off T.V. Guy. The most prominent thing in his apartment is a huge + television.) + + T.V. Guy: + (verse) + I wish she'd shut up! + I want to watch the t.v.! + I wish he'd speedup! + Her screams are really starting to bother me! + I can't hear what the t.v. is saying! + I can't hear what the bands are playing! + + (chorus) + Her screams piss me off! + She's too loud! + oh, great, now I've got to deal with her blood-choked coughs! + Of my t.v., I'm really proud! + Too bad I can't hear it over this wailing whore! + I'd like to break her head on the floor! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #419, WRITTEN BY: AIDS - 1/10/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0420.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0420.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1d92a475 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0420.txt @@ -0,0 +1,63 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #420 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Story Of Want and Love" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Muze !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/10/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + This was a piece written on 5-14-96. It is a true story. + Pay attention to the names of the characters so the story makes sense. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Love had a happy life, as did Want. + + One day Love and Want met and became instant friends. Soon after + this, they met a boy on seperate occassions and were both attracted to + him. Love could love this boy so much, but that's not what he wanted. + Want claimed that she could love him, but she never could because she + was Want. We are what we are, not what we want. + + Soon the phase of this boy passed and moved away to make room for + yet another to come to Wants attention. + + Love and Want got to know this new boy as well as he would let + them. Love truly cared for this new boy with all her heart. Want + merely tried to gain his attention. Want is not capable of Love, for we + are what we are, not what we want. + + This new boy had a very close friend, they were almost brothers. + Love cared for the brother as well as the new boy, for they all were of + the same clan. Love and the new boy became close, and she had a short, + strange obsession with the brother. Soon it was over, though everyone + thought it was still going on. Not that it mattered. One day, Want + decided that she wanted the new boy this time. Want sat back for a + while and watched Love and the new boy become closer. Want soon got + jealous of Love because she wasn't capable of it. + + Want, still thinking that Love obssessed over the brother, tried + to get close to the brother. Want tried to make Love jealous. Love + recognized this weak attempt for an attack, but dismissed it as childish + and freshman. Love continued to grow closer to the new boy. Soon she + got intimidated by this new boy because he hid his feelings so well. But + Love kept trying and prying into his heart. Meanwhile, Want kept showing + a public show of affection for the brother to spite Love. The more Want + did this, the more Love was driven closer to this new boy. + + One day, Love got so tired of Wants incessant acting. To get back + at her, Love gave everything she had in herself. In doing this, she won + the heart of this new boy and all those around her. Want could never win + the brother or this new boy, for she was not capable of Love. The + jealousy Want felt for Love drove her to change her name to Spite. + + We are what we are, + not what we want. + Don't spite those who + have more. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #420, WRITTEN BY: MUZE - 1/10/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0421.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0421.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..22902675 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0421.txt @@ -0,0 +1,35 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #421 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "RONCO PROPAGANDA" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> RON POPEIL !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/13/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + RONCORONCORONCORONCORONCO HOE RONCORONCORONCORONCORONCO + O R + N HELLO EVERYONE! THIS IS RON POPEIL OF RONCO, INC! O + C NORMALLY, I WOULD BE HERE TO ANNOUNCE A GREAT NEW N + O RONCO PRODUCT, LIKE THE WONDERFUL _RONCO NEW AND C + R IMPROVED FOOD DEHYDRATORS_!! BUT TODAY, I AM HERE O + O TO LET ALL OF YOU, MY FRIENDS, KNOW ABOUT MY GOOD R + N FRIENDS, THE "HOE" E-ZINE WRITER GROUP!!!!!!!!!!! O + C THEY ARE GOOD RONCO CUSTOMERS-YOU CAN ALWAYS HEAR N + O ONE OF THEM RAVING ABOUT AN EXCELLENT _RONCO FOOD C + R DEHYDRATOR_ RECIPE OR A GREAT PASTA MADE WITH THE O + O SUPER-DUPER _RONCO PASTA MAKER_!!! PLUS, THEY ARE R + N AMAZING WRITERS!! I HIGHLY RECOMMEND "HOE" E-ZINE O + C FOR READING DURING THAT _30 SECONDS OF WAIT TIME_ N + O YOU ENDURE WHEN USING YOUR _RONCO PASTA MAKER_!!! C + R BY THE WAY, THE COOL _NEW AND IMPROVED RONCO FOOD O + O DEHYDRATORS ARE A GREAT BUY! YOU CAN GET YOUR OWN R + N FOR JUST _4 EASY PAYMENTS_ OF _$29.95_!!!!!!!!!!! O + C http://www.dto.net/hoe/ N + O C + RONCORONCORONCORONCORONCO HOE RONCORONCORONCORONCORONCO + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #421, WRITTEN BY: RON POPEIL - 1/13/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0422.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0422.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..d504f9c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0422.txt @@ -0,0 +1,93 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #422 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Talented" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mutter !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/13/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Somewhere in time and space a young man searches for the answer + to the question which is life. He walks countless miles and climbs + for countless days to reach the top of the mountain. When he finally + arrives, he finds a old man with a long, white beard sitting in the + lotus position, meditating. + + "Oh, honorable elder," the young man says with exhaustion. + "I've traveled countless miles, climbed countless days and have obtained + countless calluses on my hands and feet all to ask to receive some small + nugget of knowledge which will enlighten me for the rest of my days..." + + The elder slowly breaks his meditation and turns to look at the + young man's expectant face. He slowly opens his mouth to the young man's + delight, "You are talented in many ways." Then he is silent. He turns + away from the young man and goes back into his meditation. The young + man, feeling ripped off by the quality of the message he had wasted a + good portion of his life chasing, promptly commits suicide by jumping + off a cliff. + + Of course who could blame him? He came seeking enlightenment and + walked away with a complement -- and a lame one at that. That's exactly + how I felt when I saw what passes for fortune cookie fortunes these + days... + + "You are talented in many ways." + + What the fuck is that?! Is this a fortune or a direct quote from + "I'm Ok, You're Ok"? Technically, it's not even a fortune! Did some + new age, reject Complement Cookies (TM) by mistake find its way into + my Wednesday dinner? COME ON! If I paid 10 dollars for a reading from + some mystic on the street corner to tell me that "You are talented in + many ways." I'd demand my money back, then beat them over the head with + their crystal ball. What's next? + + "You are very smart." + "Everybody loves you." + "Your dick is very big." + + It's great for those first impressions... + + "So, Mutter, tell me a little bit about yourself." + "Well, apparently my dinner thinks I am quite talented (in + many ways)." + "I... see..." + + I don't even like Chinese food. The only thing I even remotely + enjoy about the whole Chinese fast food eating experience is the fucking + fortune cookies. They are tasty as hell and come with a bit of + entertainment. But can I have a nice normal fortune cookie? No. + Instead I get some cookie designed for the manic depressant in us all. + The cookie itself probably contained a good dose of prozac. I can see + it now... + + "Sir, Americans are just too fat and lazy. They see their work + as pointless. Production is very low." + + "What can we do to alleviate these problems?" + + "Well, our research team has determined that the average + American loves fast food... especially Chinese fast food. The + development team came up with these fortune cookies, guaranteed to + reduce the American worker to the smiling dolt he should be." + + "Yes! A happy worker is a hard worker. Send the happy cookies + into their food stream immediately!" + + Or maybe the story behind the message is even more sinister. A + warped experiment in mind control? Shifting the will of the people + through some cleverly placed seeds from an unexpected source? Think + about the subliminal effects of such a message on the collective. Will + crime decrease? Will the economy get better? Will drug use increase + among teenagers? Who knows the ripple effects a seemingly innocent, + yet weird message would have on the human mind? Did you know that many + fortune cookie companies in America are actually CIA fronts or in other + ways silently owned by the U.S. government? It's true. What effect + might the fortune cookies have on the political swaying of America? Who + cares? All I want is some trite little statement about the future + inside a tasty cookie. But not even that simple desire will be met in + the happy-joy world of today where your dinner is giving you pep talks. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #422, WRITTEN BY: MUTTER - 1/13/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0423.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0423.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3250da2e --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0423.txt @@ -0,0 +1,41 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #423 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "A Day in The Life of a Gangster" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Belial !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/13/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + there was this time my friend (his name is tim!) and i were + walking to the store down on the corner to get some candy and all the + sudden, a giant horse fell out of the sky and landed right on TIM! i + couldn't believe it! i said, "hey you fucking horse, get off my + friend!" but it just looked at me with its big ass eyes and then rolled + its lips back. so i said, "punk! feel my wrath!" and started kicking + it in the side. "this is for tim, you son of a bitch!" i said as i + kicked the dumb horse. + + you wouldn't believe what happened next! + + the horse got up off of tim and said, "i am a horse! you have + no right to kick me." the next thing i know, a giant cow (his name is + ralph!) fell out of the sky and landed right on me! it hurt like hell, + but i said, "fucking cow, get off me!" the cow was all dumb and shit + and it said, "milk? ok!" and shot a gallon of milk all over me. "ack! + you piece of shit! quit squirting milk all over me and get the hell up!" + + when the cow finally did get up, i said, "it's about damn time!" + + then i said to the horse (i don't remember what its name was), + "hey fucker, why don't you get the hell out of here like that cow!" the + horse thought it was suave and shit and said, "sure!" + + well, ted and i watched the two dumb fucks walk down the street + for a while and then we just said, "pfff! farm animals!" and went into + the store. i got a pack of gum and ted got some bitter ass shocktarts. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #423, WRITTEN BY: BELIAL - 1/13/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0424.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0424.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..dba63441 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0424.txt @@ -0,0 +1,226 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #424 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "House and Home with Lynette Jennings" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> AnonGirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/13/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + "And five, four, three..." + + + + + + + + "Hi, welcome to House and Home. I'm your host, Lynette + Jennings. Today we'll be focusing on crafts, as a part of our 'Making + Housework Fun!' week. We've got oodles of guests here with us, + including world renowned craft specialist, Marnie Williams. But we + can't get the show off on the right foot without a peek into our + mailbag. Jim, why don't you bring out the mailbag?" + + + + + + + + + + Lynette: "Okay let's see what we've got here today." "'Dear + Ms. Jennings, you are just fabulous." "I watch your show religiously, right + after I see the kids off to school. I'd force them to watch + the show too if they weren't off.. learning.. all the time." + "Anyhoo, I just wanted to say that you are what + makes the world go round. Sincerely yours, Muriel Cole, + Ackley, Iowa.' + + "Well Muriel, I'm so glad you watch my show. It really touches + me to recieve heartfelt letters like yours. And I love it + when people adresss me as Ms.!" + + "Let's see what else we've got here. Okay, 'Dear + Lynette, my name is Amy and I live in Klamath Falls, Oregon. + I'm 10 years old and I like your show this much:" + + "Oh how cute she drew a little line showing how much she likes + my show. Can we get a shot of this?" "Carl? Can you get this?" + "Excellent. Great. Okay. 'I am writing you because I have + a... secret, and I don't have a lot of friends so I'm going to + tell you. Okay, here goes: Every night, when I'm in bed, my + Daddy comes in and--'" Is this + some kind of joke? Come on, who pulled the prank on me this + time?" "Carl? Carl you're + looking pretty suspicious!" "Carl! + You silly, silly man! You know, they always get me. + But I'm a sucker for practical jokes! ha ha! Ha! ha ha!" + + + "We'll be right back." + + + + + + <..> + + + + + + "And we're back over here in our Craft Cave." "You have to be careful here in our Craft Cave. + There's some heavy duty crafting going on! Haha! We've got a very + special guest with us today. This woman is a pioneer in the arts and + crafts department, being the inventor of the Salt and Pepper + Shaker-Napkin Dispenser-Thanksgiving Centerpiece. Marnie? Marnie + Williams? Are you there?" + + + + "There you are!" "Hi!" + + Marnie: "Hi Lynette! I'm so glad to be here! I've got a whole bunch + of fun things for us to create today!" + Lynette: "I'm so excited! You know, I'd like to + take a serious moment here to discuss the importance of crafts + in the '90's. Without crafts, housewives all around would be + left with nothing to do all day long while her man is out + working and the kids are at school..." + + M: "Say it, sister!" + L: "...we would be left to do our expected chores such as laundry and + mopping floors and watching soap operas and other home decor shows + like my own which will slowly but surely lead us all to our sad, + horrible and pathetically boring deaths with nothing to show for + except a few odd heart-shaped wicker baskets filled with dried + leaves and plastic flowers with little balloons and bunnies and + flowerspineconeshazelnutspiceracks....." + + + + + + <..> + + + + "Welcome back to House and Home! If you're just joining us I'm + here with Marnie Williams in our Craft Cave making crafts! Marnie has already started making something. What + are you making there, Marnie?" + + M: "I'm building every housewife's dream come true. It's a decorative + piece I like to call the SquirrelKnocker." + L: "SquirrelKnocker? Can we say that? + ha ha!" + M: "It's purpose serves as a doorknocker-slash-squirrel feeder! + You can make them in any material you + like, although my personal favourite would have to be wicker. I + just love wicker. My husband loves wicker, too. He's always + getting his hands on more wicker!" + L: "A real wickerman!" Ha! ha! HA! + M: "Lynette, you *kill* me! Anyhoo, you can add fun little decorations + to your SquirrelKnockers. Mine here has tiny pah-pee-aye mah-shay + flowers all around, with a small decorative sign that says + 'SquirrelKnocker' in a nice cursive." + L: "And you can put anything you want on the sign?" + M: "Yes, you can inscribe anything you like on the sign. You'll need a + good model enamel, so that it will survive the harsh treatment of + rain and snow. Personally I like to put a wood finish on my + SquirrelKnockers to add that extra.. je ne sais quoi!" + L: "Wow, isn't that terrific? But, Marnie, what if you're not much of a + Van Gogh?" + M: "So?" + L: "Well how will you make your cute little sign?" + M: "It's not very difficult, Lynette. It's as easy as writing with a + pen!" + L: "Yeah, but what if you're a quadriplegic and are incapable of using + paintbrushes? What then?? How will our quadriplegic viewers be able + to make their own little wooden sign inscriptions??" + M: "Let's move on to our next little craft, the-" + L: "NO! I want to KNOW! HOW THE HELL-" + + + + + + <..> + + + + "Hi, welcome back, I'm Lynette Jennings and this is House and + Home. It's time for my favourite part of the show, 'This is Delicious, + Mom!' Cooking with us today is world famous chef, John Wilkinson. + John's appeared in such cooking programs as 'Ready, Set, Cook!' and + 'FOOD NOW!'. Come on out, John!" + + + + J: "Hi Lynette, you don't know what a pleasure it is to be on your + public access television program. Really!" + L: "It's great to see you again, John!" + J: "But, we've never met..?" + L: "Ha ha ha HA HA HA ha HAHA John you're such a joker! Anyhoo, what + are we cooking today?" + J: "Well today I thought we'd make something really, very special. + Since the holidays are coming up I was thinking of making some + super-ultra-insanely-low-fat-appetizers for all those Christmas + parties this time of year. All you'll need to prepare these cute + little hors d'oeuvres is some lettuce, wheat germ, and McGarry's + sausages. Looks like we're just about ready to start, Lynette!" + L: "That's great. But what about variety, John? Isn't that what it's + all about these days? Someone doesn't like what the other likes, + and vice versa? Surely you can't serve lettuce wheat germ sausages + all night long?" + J: "Well, that's the fun part, Lynette. With these three simple + ingredients, you can make over 30 different appetizers, all under 3 + grams of fat!" + L: "Wow! I like the sound of that! Show us how it's done." + J: "Well, you just get a good saucepan, and chop up some of the lettuce + into it. Make sure it's washed! Then, fry the sausages in a frying + pan until they're nicely browned, periodically sprinkling wheat germ + on them. This will add flavour to the sausages, as well as protein! + Once the sausages are done, wrap a small piece of lettuce around the + sausage and hold it together with a toothpick. Once you're done, + you should have something that looks like this:" + + + + L: "Wow! Look at all those different kinds of wheat germ sausages + wrapped in lettuce! I don't think I've ever seen such variety! + That's absolutely wonderful, John, really." + J: "It's my specialty!" + L: "We'll be right back." + + + + + + <..> + + + + "Well, folks, I hate to say it, but that's all the time we have + for today! I'd like to thank my guests today Marnie Williams and John + Wilkinson for their wonderful cooperation. Tomorrow we've got Aikido + champion Bob Su who's going to show us how to make one hell of a shish + kabab! Hope you'll join us. Bah-bye." + + + + + + + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #424, WRITTEN BY: ANONGIRL - 1/13/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0425.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0425.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1ad80210 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0425.txt @@ -0,0 +1,46 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #425 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Organic Farming" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Kaia !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/13/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + The girl liked boys but thought too much. She snubbed other + girls because she thought she was a princess. She acted like a rare + find because she thought she was full of coyness, cleverness, wit, + independence, and feminine wiles. She thought that by maintaining + some distance from everyone, she'd project confidence and assurance, + but to others she instead seemed a bit unfriendly and standoff-ish. + Men found her attractive, but mostly for her striking combinations + tonight: black hair & red-flicked blue eyes, thin waist supporting + silver velvet glam pants that flared at the hips. + + At the club, she mingled only with the scenesters who owned the + hippest boutiques and organized the best parties in the city. If she + didn't perceive you as high-status, she'd ignore you... until she + discovers your critical involvement in the BUGS, WORMS, ROOTS, AND + DEAD LEAVES! THESE ARE AMONG THE TIDBITS FOUND IN OUR TOPSOIL. WE + DON'T USE HERBICIDES OR need! PESTICIDES, AND WE USE COW SHIT AS A + NATURAL FERTILIZER THAT CYCLES THE NITROGEN BACK TO THE please more! + EARTH. WE GROW involvement in planning the annual vampyre ball, a + yearly legend in elegant campiness. But beneath the hard facade, she + was really a sensitive little girl who took everything a little WE GROW + ROWS OF LEEKS, CARROTS, SHALLOTS, need more please more need BEETS, + KOHLRABI, LIMA BEANS, RADISHES, PINEAPPLES, SALAMI, DALAI LAMA, a + little too personally, but SHITFACED, PLASTERED, but actually, she just + needed EGO-STROKING someone to love DRUNK, and fear SCREWED, but A + LITTLE NEUROCHEMICALLY ALTERED not without a chase AND KALE. because + she had a problem with loving people back, and wanted nothing more than + to gain, though coyness, cleverness, wit, independence, and feminine + wiles, the favor of the alpha male. + + APHIDS LIKE KALE. WE SPRAY OUR KALE WITH SOAP AND VEGETABLE OIL. + SOAP KILLS THE BUGS, WHILE VEGETABLE OIL MAKES THE SOAP STICK TO THE + BUDS. I MEAN BUGS. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #425, WRITTEN BY: KAIA - 1/13/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0426.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0426.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8b9223aa --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0426.txt @@ -0,0 +1,47 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #426 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: =========================================== + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: "Area 401" !! + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: *or* !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: "RI Telecom From A Feminine Perspective" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Laja 1/13/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Well, kidz, what we have here today is a look at what once was + THE SCENE in area code 401. Now, I'm not talking about hacking, writing + text files, creating art, pirating softwarez (ARRRR, MATEY), or anything + cool/psuedo-productive like that. I am talking about the chick scene... + the HOT MODEM MOMMAS which were so often overlooked. + + My time in THE SCENE started in 1995. This, of course, being + after everything that was or could have been cool about BBS's and + modems had already happened. This time, lasting a few years before my + arrival, will be forever referred to as THE GOOD OLE DAYS [tm]. + + So, anyways, it was me, CHICK X, CHICK Y, The Tyrant, SQUINKY, + and a bunch of random Kurt Cobain-worshipping 14 year olds. I + worshipped SQUINKY in his amazing telecom techniquez (see: HOE #334). + For all practical purposes, we can call Tyrant CHICK Z, because, well, + for all practical purposes, he was. We talked about nothing. And we + talked about it a lot. It was cliquey and bitchy and we liked it that + way. + + Essentially, there were only two BBS's in my calling area that + didn't suck. Oh well. So it goes. I am not going to go through the + hassle of remembering any details about any of this, because + submitting logs about Area 401 is Squinky's job. + + As with most close-knit, 15 year old trios of bitches, we all + started to severely dislike eachother. CHICK Z left us for a life of + passionate sex with a married woman and massive amounts of diaper + changing (see: http://users.tmok.com/~minmei), CHICK X and CHICK Y went + on to live in denial about their torrid lesbian love affair, and I + moved on with my own self to read books, do drugs, geek out, and write + boring text files for HOE. + + Isn't that a cute story? + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #426, WRITTEN BY: LAJA - 1/13/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0427.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0427.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..2295e105 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0427.txt @@ -0,0 +1,102 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #427 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: =========================================== + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: "One man, Standing At The Threshold" !! + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: *or* !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: "I Am An Adventurer!@" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Rantaslin 1/13/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + What exactly this title will have to do with the eventual outcome + of this article means little or nothing to me. The true value comes + from the fact that I have no better title, it sounds neat, and it's my + first article for HOE, authored by myself, Rantaslin (for bitterness), + and edited by Teerts (for flow[!?])... + + Now let's take a stab at it shall we? After much prodding and + poking by a dear friend of mine, whom some of you probably already + know if you read HOE with any frequency (Teerts), I decided to write + an article. So in my own hack-and-slash style, let's give it a go. + + Ahem. + + The topic of today's discussion, boys and girls? Consideration + for others, and the entire sociological make up of this town that + Teerts and I know, but doubtfully love, called Reading, Pennsylvania. + It all starts with an average evening of late for myself and Teerts. + I, being the motivator of the group, (well, due more to the fact that + Teerts is the most indecisive S.O.B. that I know, and the rest can be + like lemmings), we gather at my house to plan our activities for the + night. While sitting around, and tossing these nifty little popper + things that fly an amazingly long distance for their size I might add, + we decide that sitting around is definitely *not* what we got together + for, in fact it's what we try to avoid. So as we see it we have two + choices -- Denny's or the Mall(s). We can't decide, so we hop into two + cars (which is a silly idea, since we always get separated along the + way) -- myself and Teerts in the Bugula (ya know, one of those shiny + and nifty new VW creations), and Altrocks and a mutual friend of ours + in the other. + + Pulling out onto the bypass... all goes well, until a rather + large truck decides to ride my ass, and not let me merge trafic. After + getting onto the bypass and deciding I don't wanna put up with this + shit right now. I move to pass him... no big deal... three cars in a + row... done this before, just blow right by them. Simple enough right? + Not when the last car you pass is a marked police car without it's + lights on. + + Being the astute observer that he is, Teerts exclaims 'That's + a cop.' + + Eh, from 85 to 60 in no time flat, but not fast enough. I pass + the cop doing 60 in a 55 zone, and proceed to pull in front of him. + Thinking that he may let me go. I relax... a bit too much...65, and + the white and blue starts to flash. Meanwhile car "B", (Altrocks) sees + all, and manages to get by without a hitch (if you knew how he normally + drove you'd find this hilarious). So, anyway, off the road I pull, and + I prepare to face the worst... my mind racing. Thinking of having to + tell my parents a day before christmas that I got a $70 ticket for + speeding, when the cop walks up and says "If you tell me a little bit + about your car, I'll let you off. I always wanted to see the inside of + one of these, isn't information a good trade instead of a ticket?" + Slightly shaking from surprise, anxiety, and confusion, I do so. The + fact that a man can be so seemingly benevolent amazes me. It kicks ass. + By this time car "B" is long gone, having resumed its crusing at speeds + nearing mach 1. + + Teerts and I try vainly to explain this occurence to one another + and we eventually settle on one of two theories: one, the cop was a + sheriff and he knew that some speeding kids aren't really part of the + big crime problem in Reading -- or two, the cop felt pity for me after + seing my Drivers license photo. + + We resume our search for car "B". Reaching the farther out of + the two malls, we look around, Teerts suggests that they turned around + and looked for us. Wasting more than half of an hour cruising around + looking for them we eventually return to the mall and find them there. + 'Told yah, Teerts,' to which he responds, 'Fuck you, Rant." + + Reunited, we proceed through the mall, in all its whack glory. + We see a few friends, continue our cyclic mall procession, and + eventually Teerts and I become alienated... shoved off into a corner. + This pisses us off, we aren't being abnormally prickish (well, Teerts + is, but not me), especially considering the normal level of + prickishness present (often just facetious, though not always) in our + circle of friends. After about 45 mintues of what felt like being + ignored, pissed, and shit on, we get bored and head over to borders, + get a drink read some books, gee great fun. Meanwhile those from + car "B", have still not had the curtesy to catch up with us. + + In any event my final observation is that a cop whom I have no + relation to, who owes me nothing, and who knows no more than the + information readily avalible on my drivers license, give me no ticket, + not even a citation or warning, just asks about my car, and bids me a + happy holidays and tells me to be careful, and sends me on my merry + way. At the same time, my friends basically tell me to fuck off. So + it goes, I suppose, and this is just another one of my rants. So I + stand at the threshold, waiting for thought to arrive... + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #427, WRITTEN BY: RANTASLIN - 1/13/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0428.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0428.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..4e14bca0 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0428.txt @@ -0,0 +1,526 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #428 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Lamb of God" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> AIDS !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/13/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 23:28:04 -0500 (EST) + From: Jarett Kobek + To: (Agnes) + Subject: I WANT TO BE HAPPY / der Zorn Gottes / Agnus Dei + + Lamb of God, + + What can I say? Were it not so, it would not be, but it is. I + don't know why, but today, the hand of God was upon me. + + For wandering through Times Square what did I encounter but + part of the Chiat/Day Levi's What's True campaign, starring either you + or your Doppelganger, tangled up in blue. Much amazement was had by + all, which at the time, was but me alone, wondering if strange + machinations were at work, acasual connecting principles, very + Jungian, Very synchronatic. Or perhaps the work of a higher power? + Perhaps His hand's guidance? + + Well, confused as I was, Times Square quickly became too much. + Too, too much. Thankfully it itself lacked a twin. The only possible + solution? Homeward bound, down desolation row, back to the warmth of + the now corrupt, the now suburban neighborhoods. + + And then, at the last minute, as if GUIDED by some other force, + I decided to uncover park ranger truths, and cut through Wash. Sq. and + was, upon reflection, confronted with the very living image of + yourself. Certain changes in appearance keeping immediate recognition + impossible, most unusual in light of having just seen your vizage in + duplicate on 48th, but still, what got me a-thinkin' was that ol' blue + jacket and wry smile. + + Now that I reflect, I hasten to add in the purchase of _Highway + '61 Revisted_ in Times Square, manic attack of consumerism. + + So what does it all mean? I feel like I am an owl in daylight, + befuddled and bewildered. Or a Jew at Christmas. Take your pick. + + Anyhow, the only thing I could decipher from today's + synchronicity, definitely acasual, was that God, or whatever the word + represents, was trying to get a message across to me. Then I was + thinking about the Agnus Dei, remembered the translation is Lamb of + God, and knew that I must email you. + + Have you been having any visions lately? + + -Jarett + + -- + "If 65 cents buys this much action, I'm hooked on Ghost Rider for Life!" + + !!========================================================================!! + + Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 14:00:01 -0500 (EST) + From: Agnes <@nyu.edu> + To: Jarett Kobek + Subject: sign + + i encounter many signs in life- and most confuse me or make me happy- + bring me to question what really controls my life-reaccess the magic of + life + but this is not a sign, jarett, it's life mocking you. don't forget we + live in cycles and regrets. and i don't necessarily mean taht + maliciously. + + -agnes + + !!========================================================================!! + + This is a copy of the Levi's ad referred to. + + !!========================================================================!! + +begin 644 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(c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #428, WRITTEN BY: AIDS - 1/13/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0429.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0429.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6bb9f995 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0429.txt @@ -0,0 +1,57 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #429 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "An Agnostic Tourettic Obsessive !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: Compulsive -- He Also Likes Bunnies" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Soybean 1/13/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Touch the knob seven times. (touch, touch, touch, touch, touch, + touch touch.) Take five steps into the bathroom across the hall, with + my toe stopping exactly at the metal rim separating the carpet from the + vinyl bathroom floor. (step, step, step, step, step. oops.) I'm not + sure there's a God. One inch too far. Return, try again: (step, step, + step, step step.) Okay. Turn shower knob to 110 degree angle, let the + water run for twenty seconds, remove clothing. (shirt, pants, + underwear, right sock, left sock.) Why, God? Rid eyes of sleep-crap, + scratch each buttcheek where it meets its corresponding hamstring, scrub + shoulders. No bunnies in the shower. I tried that once already. + Bunnies don't like rough, hot, pounding sprays, it seems. I like those + sprays, but I like my bunnies so much more. I don't scream "BITCH" + involuntarily at my bunnies as I do to my mom and Jenna-who-sits-behind- + -me-in-Ceramics. My bunnies are soothing and rid me of my physical + compulsions. Other people have compulsions, God... Jenny has to go to + the mall every Thursday or she really is a bitch on Friday. No one + shrieks or contorts their face when Jenny goes shopping, though. That's + what people do when I try to lick their nose or their dog's nose seven + times, or when I try to count their fingers. There can't be a God who + allows such things to go on. Only something so full of pure glory as + God could supply me with bunnies to sooth my nervous pain. Maybe I + should have listened in bible study more when I was younger, but it was + so much more interesting to bite each corner of the cover of my Bible. + I thought about being religious until my teacher reprimanded me for + trying to count the priest's five five five five five fingers during + mass, during Eucharist, during the Distribution of the Holy Crackers. + ("LET'S GET FUNKY.") (clean.) (dry face, dry shoulders, dry arms, dry + legs, dry back, dry chest.) I like Jenna. (brush teeth.) Dress: + (underwear, pants, shirt, left sock, right sock.) Time to take the five + steps back to my bedroom, cuddle my bunnies and try to take comfort with + me. (step, step, step, step, step.) My favorite bunny is named + Napoleon, though he is not a French military expert, or even a French + bunny, or even a bunny military expect. He is named after the bakery + downtown that has pumpernickel bread that is a lovely shape and that is + a color that is reminiscent of Napoleon-the-Bunny's ears. No + breakfast; breakfast gives me gas. Get in the car, check to see that + all windows are tightly closed, start car, back out of driveway, and + accelerate to 32 mph until we come to the green house with the trolls in + the yard, five houses down. At that point, release gas and coast to a + slow and comfortable and natural stop at the neighborhood gate, leading + onto Landrie St., which leads almost directly to my school, it being + Landrie Senior High School, Landrie being someone who gave someone a + large sum of money. Or so goes my explanation. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #429, WRITTEN BY: SOYBEAN - 1/13/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0430.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0430.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..9457e6c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0430.txt @@ -0,0 +1,117 @@ + +'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########:| THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #430 !! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....::|==========================================!! + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##:::::::| "The Glorious Fate of a Boy Who Failed !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######:::| in Life and Then Failed at Suicide, !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...::::| A Story That Proves Beyond The Shadow of !! + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##:::::::| A Doubt that Idiots Get Much More Out of !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########:| Life than any Wise Men, as they Travel !! + HOE #430 -- by Kreid -- 1/13/99| Through Life Amazed and Bewildered" !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I feel the need to explain something about myself, in order to + justify my actions or attitude, or something about me which nobody seems + to approve of lately. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, there is + always this trend in me that I possess a strong and deep-rooted hatred + for just about everything in this world. I feel that it is biological, + somehow. I am a naturally hate-filled individual. However: I am not a + violent person. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want to stay away + from everyone. The only reason people get hurt with me is because they + choose to care about me and decide that it's their responsibility to + make me feel happy. This is a huge mistake. I've been alive for quite + some time, and nobody has ever made me feel any differently about this. + Yes, it sucks to be me. It sucks to get involved with me. So stay + away, please. + + I think this might be irrelevant to the story I have to tell, + but for some reason it came to my mind instantly when I thought of this. + The story is not about hating, not at all. It's about finding myself + completely in love with the world, momentarily. Yes, this does happen + once in a while. I feel a bit poetic for a little while, I feel like + life is glorious, just until I realize again that I am a complete piece + of shit because I am human. I do feel a little sick right now from + writing that. Yes, I am human, I must keep reminding myself, I must + come to terms with it, as disgusting as it sounds to me. The truth is + always disgusting. + + Now, some people who are like me have to use drugs to + momentarily fall in love with the world. I think this is the right way + to get along with life if you're like me, but I would hate to delude + myself like that. I just do it, most of the time, by coming very, very, + close to death, which is what some drugs do to you anyway. So it's a + similar experience, just probably more real and more complicated for me, + the non-drug user, I think. But that's what happened three nights ago + when I found myself in love with the world. Let me explain what + happened. + + What was happening when I realized that I was in love with the + world is that I was driving in my car, down this long highway, at + around 4:00 A.M. I must have been going about thirty miles per hour, and + I was probably taking up about three lanes, the way I was driving. I + was really fucking tired, to the point where I wasn't even falling + asleep at the wheel anymore; I was waking up at the wheel, every couple + minutes. Why I wasn't arrested that night, I have no idea. But I made + it home, after driving for about two hours in this fashion. I was quite + a bit amazed. So what I did I do when I got home? I celebrated, of + course. I decided to commit suicide. + + I ran upstairs to the bathroom and poured some pills down my + throat. Dramamine. It was fucking disgusting. I ate twenty-two of + them, only stopping after that many because I was on the verge of puking + my guts out. The ingestion of chemicals like this is too often even + more unpleasant than the chemicals' eventual assault on the body. The + fucking Dramamine pills dissolve in your mouth too quickly, you can't + even down them fast enough with a glass of water. You just get this + powdered medicine shit all over your mouth and tongue, and then the + little fuckers get caught in your throat and you have to try to bring + them up again just so you can swallow them, again. A most unpleasant + experience. + + I was quite prepared to die, though. I went right over to my bed + and waited for the stomachache to go away, which it did in about five + minutes. From then on it was just a waiting game. Wait for the drugs + to take effect and off you. I felt like I was going to pass out, which + pissed me off since it was a pretty pansy way to die, in your sleep, + that is. + + So I got up, which was quite difficult for me, being that the + gravity in the room had increased by about six hundredfold. But I + managed to put one leg in front of the other and stumble about my room + well enough to get to the two-liter bottle of cola I had sitting on my + bookshelf. I picked it up, and started pouring it down my throat. It + took me about five gulps to down the whole thing, then I threw it on the + floor. Then I just let my legs go from underneath me, and I hit the + floor too, right next to the big plastic bottle. I wasn't going to pass + out, though. I got the feeling that I was really going to have to piss + soon, and that was a shitty thought, because I didn't want to flush the + drugs out of my system or anything. I just held it in. I rested there + on the floor for about half an hour before I felt what I perceived to be + death. I was completely paralyzed on my floor, and I got the feeling + that reality was just about ceasing to exist for me. Looking around my + room, seeing it from the ground up, I developed quite a distrust for + what my eyes were putting in front of me. For example, I had this idea + that there was a Picasso on my wall, and it took me about 15 minutes of + staring at it to realize that the painting didn't even exist. A strange + effect, I thought. I've done a lot of illicit substances before and I've + never quite left reality to the degree I did that night. + + So I kept waiting to see the grim reaper, or my grandmother, or + something telling me I had finally bit the dust. Of course, it never + happened, as you know, I'm not quite dead right now, unfortunately. The + fucking Dramamine pills did absolutely nothing for ending my life. All + I can see that they did is they gave me this intense experience and + probably left me with about eight ulcers. Anyway, I know I said drugs + just wouldn't do it for me, but that was sort of a half-lie. 18 + Dramamine pills made me completely in love with the world. Momentarily. + It was a horrible fucking experience, my stomach hurts just thinking + about it. Every moment of it I just wanted to die or come back to + reality, but I was in that haze for what could easily have been an + eternity. But, eons later, I have awakened, and I am enlightened. + Totally at peace with myself. And it is for this reason that I am + writing this note to you. Now I must be dismissed, I have an + engagement with the medicine cabinet. + + Goodbye! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #430, WRITTEN BY: KREID - 1/13/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0431.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0431.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c8dd4f65 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0431.txt @@ -0,0 +1,71 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #431 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Illicit Substances and a !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: Carefree Lifestyle" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Quarex 1/15/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + So there I sat, in the midst of a group of mid to late teenagers, + all of them drinking vodka and alternately smoking pot and cigarettes. + I, naturally, am abstaining, since my purpose in life is the Guy Who + Never Does Anything "Bad." In my perpetual abstinence from all things + fun, I have noticed a great deal of things. Most of them are just + anti-drinking/smoking/etc. dogma. Yes, this is the kind nobody wants to + hear, since its only general purpose is to lead into a war of words which + escalates into either disinterest or ad hominem attacks. So, + naturally, nobody should be subjected to this. However, somewhere along + the line, I started actually putting together a legitimate argument + against all this kind of crap. + + When one of my friends first told me that he hated the taste of + coffee when he first tried it, and yet forced himself to drink it until + he was used to the taste anyway, I could only wonder why. Why the fuck + would anyone want to do something that he/she hated, only for the + purpose of being able to do it without hating it later? + + Then, it occurred to me that this is a pattern seen in almost every + aspect of life, be it working your way through school, working your way + into a subculture, or just working. People pretty much never like doing + anything, if you take a look at everything. I have learned that things + which I took for granted as being pure unadulturated hedonism, like sex, + drugs, and drinking, are not necessarily any different than coffee. + I talked to that same friend who forced himself to like coffee about beer + once, and sure enough, he had loathed beer when he first started drinking + it, yet eventually convinced himself to enjoy the taste. Similarly, a + girl I knew to be a complete sex fiend also explained that she started + out disliking sex, yet kept doing it beacuse she felt like she was + supposed to do it. Why? Why bother? Is life not enough fucking + bullshit already? Do you really need to add more things you do not + really want to be doing to your life? + + Of course, just getting used to something in itself also might not + be such a bad thing on its own, maybe you feel that through triumphing + over adversity, you make yourself a better person. However, how many + people do I know who smoke a pack a day who abhorred smoking when they + first tried it? Way more than I wish I knew. Going from a position of + loathing to a position of addiction is just fucked up. If you do not dig + something when you first try it, why not just try something else? I + mean, would I be drinking five glasses of milk a day if I had not fuckin' + loved that shit since day 1? Hell no! I want my life to be as care-free + as I can make it, and adjusting my tastes to get used to something that + sucks sure as hell does not fit into my idea of a care-free life. + + Now, before you go pointing out that you personally have always + loved drugs, alcohol, sex, or whatever, I realize that this does not + apply to everyone. If you have sex once and decide it is the greatest + thing ever, hey, that is an excellent thing for you to be doing. If you + have sex and feel like your soul has been broken into a thousand pieces + as a result, maybe you should try abstaining for a while, or maybe + forever. I could use some company aside from celibate religious + figures, after all. The same obviously applies to anything. + + And always remember to metaphorically apply the most absolutely + true statement ever uttered by an animated character that Jon Lovitz + voiced: "If the movie stinks, just don't go!" + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #431, WRITTEN BY: QUAREX - 1/15/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0432.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0432.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..7511cc21 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0432.txt @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #432 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Run From My Car" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Paganini !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/15/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I have a problem. I hit things with my car. This, of course, is + usually not on purpose, but lately I have begun to wonder. It started + out small, with a squirrel and then a racoon-type creature, and then + slowly I graduated into cats and, God forgive me, dogs. Now, after + hitting an actual person, I have decided that maybe it is time I work + on this issue. Maybe it is time I sought some sort of help or twelve + step program. When I first got my license I went for a drive with my + grandmother. It was a nice drive, with my nice grandmother, down a + nice country road, when all of a sudden this squirrel comes flying + down from this tree. He had this determined, evil look in his eye, and + for one second he glared at me, and I froze up. I couldn't stop. My + foot was on the gas pedal and I was going. I hit the little bastard + and my grandmother has yet to forget about it. Every holiday, every + time we see her, she look at me, and with angst all over her face (ha! + Grandma you got angst on your face again...) She looks at me and says + "what are you gonna hit me too?" She's one of those "Don't Hit The + Animals With Your Car" people. + + It began there and then it just moved up. I went fishing and on + my way home this little racoon scurried directly into the path of my + car, knowing that I would not be able to swerve in time, thus hitting + him. Months later I hit a cat on my way to school. I barely count this + one though, because it seemed to be limping before I hit it. Thus I was + not the initial hit. All of these are disturbing, yes, but not as + disturbing as the time I hit that dog. + + Yes, I would say the dog was the hit that affected me the most. + This was awful. I had just gotten done running at the local bike path + (too many geese there- very scary), when I got into my car to leave. + Everything was fine. I was doing the speed limit and I was almost home, + when, out of nowhere, this dog comes running across the street, and I + crash into him. It wasn't as awful as it sounds. It was one of those + small, yippy dogs, but I still felt bad. I got out of my car and looked + at the dog. I couldn't figure out what to do with it. I wondered if + there were laws concerning this sort of thing. I wondered if I should + just drag it around to some place else, or if I should actually get + into my car and drive over the damn thing. + + To make matters completely worse, I noticed that the dog was + still alive. Now, I have to say that I was kind of unmoved initially, + but when the dying dog looked up at me, with those golden eyes of + blue... tears came to my eyes. This is where the situation took a + turn. I heard a door slam, and a man came out of the house across the + street and looked at me and said "What the hell?!?" He was a scary man. + He was wearing a once-white but now grey t-shirt with the word "SHIT" + written on it. I don't remember what his pants looked like, but I do + recall him wearing them. A cigarette was tucked behind his ear, and + another dangled from his mouth. He looked pissed. + + He came over to me, my car, and the dead dog, and said "What the + fuck did you do to my dog." Now, this was not the time for smart-ass + remarks. I see that now, but at the time I must not have been + thinking. I looked at the dog and pointed to my car and said "I hit + it." This is where the situation got weird. There were more door + slams, and more scary people. Children began spealing from this house + in mass numbers. Children were running towards me, and running to the + dog. There were 3, 25, 80 children all surrounding me and the car, and + they started to cry. So here I am, five blocks from my house, standing + on an uncomfortably barren street, surrounded by 115 children and their + supposed father. Perhaps the weirdest aspect of this whole ordeal, was + that all the children were calling the dog different names. One called + it Sam, and another called it Crunchy. To make matters interesting, I + had to go to the bathroom. + + One would think that I learned my lesson from all this, but no, + I don't learn. I never learn. Ten months ago I hit a guy in the + parking lot of a (dare I say it) mall. He to was swearing at me, but + later we got to know each other, and we dated for nine months, until he + got another girl pregnant. Now, I just stalk him, but that's off the + subject. My point here is that things are always running in front of + my car and I am starting to wonder if there is a reason for all this. + Perhaps this is fate. Perhaps I was meant to hit these creatures. + Maybe they all had rabies, including the ex. Maybe they were all very + old and cancerous, excluding the ex. + + Well, ten months have gone by, and I have not consciously hit + anything, except another persons car, which I don't really count. I am + looking forward to driving. I have never gotten a ticket and I have + never kept firearms in my car. However, would like to offer a few words + of advice. Stay away from my car. You should just stay away from my + car. You see, it is not my fault if I hit you. If my car is moving, + and you happen to swing down from some vine, directly in front of the + dented hood of my Honda Civic, I will hit you. Of course, you and I + both know that I don't want to hit you, but if I hit you, I might end + up dating you, or dragging you off the road and hiding you somewhere. + We don't want that. So, people, my name is Sara, and I am a bad + driver, so stay away from my car. Thank you and God bless America. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #432, WRITTEN BY: PAGANINI - 1/15/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0433.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0433.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..be6cf0dc --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0433.txt @@ -0,0 +1,81 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #433 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Le Rocke Hyperstructure" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Isaac !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/15/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I am in a roofless temple or a large public forum. Suddenly we + are being bombed from underneath us, I see the ground in the distance + explode and shot up in a narrow stream and everyone starts running, so + I start running. + + This public place is paved with hard stone or rock ends sharply + at a deep green river about two meters wide. The only way across is a + bridge made of peach and brown colored stones. Most people seem afraid + to cross it. I cross it without hesitation. The other side is tiny + square island which is also paved and contains a taller skinny white + brick building. A hand full of people are in here standing on a thin + side walk surrounding it. I see a girl I know as 'liz'. I embrace her + and start to kiss her. I black out or something and I am transported + into the future. + + I wake up and every where I look is just walls and doors, like a + great inescapable super-building and it is full of people. Liz is gone + and I have a desire to finding her. I ask around as I go from room to + room. Then I pay one guy some money to let my through a door. It + leads to a large public area that seems much brighter and cleaner. + + I then walk up these steps and I come to this first room and + there are these really old women at vanities all covered in make-up. + They just stared at me as I walked through the room, and I ask them if + knew where Liz is and of course they didn't say anything. So then I go + into the next room and it also has some women in it but I forgot what + they looked liked. Then I open a door that leads to a hall going to my + left. The light is really dim. I see like this glass tank with a + womens head in it. It is kind of bloody and has tiny tubes and wires + running out of the bottom and then it sees me and just starts screaming. + I run out of there. When I get to the room with the old women their + looks make it hard to leave the room. Then, I go down the steps I went + before. I had these writing pens and throw them at this guard person. + Two of them stick in his body and one in his head. When the one hits + his head he falls over dead. I keep running down the steps and get to + the bottom. Someone else gets me and I fall over. I just lay there + motionless and they restrain my legs with this metal thing. Then, some + old scientist guy comes out and tells them to let me go, and them tosses + me this enormous green pale brain in a plastic bag. I take it rub it + all over my face and admire it. + + Then get up and again start asking people if they know where Liz + is and one small boy says yes. + + "where is she!?", I say. + + He is silent and everyone looks at him like "what are you doing!". + Then I feel sorry for him. + + "Nevermind you dont have to tell me. Thank you for speaking up + though." + + He walks off with some people. + + Then, a person steps out and becomes my friend or guide and + starts to lead me around. He first takes me to this house where this + lesbian couple lives, a white skinny women and the other is a very large + black women and they have four children, two are white and skinny girls + and the other two are older tall and skinny black girls. The couple's + faces are very ugly. The tall skinny one is standing up and the fat + black one is sitting down on a rock ledge of a very large window. + + I am then taken to a room with words scribbed all over it and + this is the "room of god" and there is one shy silent girl who lives + there. She is wearing a very old dirty blue dress. I quietly try to + say something and she is says "what?", and then I quietly whisper "C'EST + LA VIE?" and she becomes wide eyed and covers her mouth in shock. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #433, WRITTEN BY: ISAAC - 1/15/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0434.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0434.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6916b369 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0434.txt @@ -0,0 +1,188 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #434 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: =========================================== + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: "A Little Too Much About Me" !! + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: *or* !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: "A Standard Fucked Up Irc.girl" !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Meenk 1/15/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + ten minutes to 6am, the day after christmas. i sit on irc, for + lack of human interaction elsewhere. as pathetic as it is, the lack is + not because of the hour, though i am an insomniac, but because of my + disappointment with almost everyone i know. this has also carried onto + irc. i am at that point in the irc cycle where i have dismissed most of + the people i talk to as insincere and unimportant. as irc people should + be, or so i am told. there are a few who really do matter to me though. + i guess i am one of the worst irc people. i acknowledge the value of + people i have never met. being the antisocial creature i have chosen + to be, my standards don't include real world interaction. + + the holiday, and familial interaction that it imposed (though + all through fiber optics) has caused me to take a look at myself as i + was, and as i am. i am a very sentimental person, and when i have times + of reflection i delve deep into my soul. i realize how lonely i am and + how much i keep from myself and everyone around me. the purpose of this + file is to exorcise my demons, and lay myself bare for all to see. this + is your warning, if you don't want to know, stop reading now. for the + few that remain, maybe, here I am. + + so tonight was one of those rare nights when I found myself + reaching out to strangers. I had a long conversation with my best friend + whom I have just left, in an unfamiliar city, a victim of his willpower, + or lack thereof. i told him, for the thousandth time, how much i care, + and to take care of himself, since I could not. i have an extreme + maternal instinct. i need to care for those i care about, and it has + just gotten worse over the years. i brought up to him, the loss of my + friend nova, the one person i would have died for. a similar thing + happened. i left town, chasing after dreams, she went on with life. + ended up dying of a heroin overdose. i can't go through it again, so i + pleaded with him to take care. if only i could be there. if only i could + have been there. i made vague future plans with him, maybe on the + superstition that i won't lose him if we have such an appointment. + + he proceeded to go to bed and i realized that he and i were not + the only people in the channel. there was one more, who out of + courtesy, indifference, or embarassment, stayed silent as i allowed + myself to succumb to fear. i made a truce with fear long ago, and + rarely did it ever take hold of me, anymore. though the third party + remained silent i remembered how important vulnerability can be. + honesty, innocence. not expected from anyone over eight years old, yet + so important. this person had seen a side of me few ever do. i began to + look for someone to whom i could talk to, without feeling threatened, + in my sensitive state. but why hide it? because i am an irc.girl and + irc.girls are supposed to be tough? because this mass of strangers will + grab onto what they can and tear you apart? i get picked on every + single day, without refrain, for being a slut, for being dependant, for + being weak. + + what is left for me to hide? i am already regarded amongst those + who see me that way as the lowest of the low. besides, no one can hurt + me as much as I can, and do, hurt myself. i will not deny being less + than sane, i will not deny that i have been around, and i will not deny + that i cry. even now, my face is stained with tears. tears of regret. + tears for those i have let down, tears for those whom i have had to + abandon, tears for those whom i will hurt in the future. + + i was once told that i am transparent to everyone but myself. + maybe this is true. maybe you all are already aware of my struggles with + my emotions and i deluded myself into thinking i kept them private. i + feel i have come a long way though, and there is no one who has been in + my life long enough to see the progress, except me. i recall a time when + all emotions i had, happiness, sadness, anger, excitement, were intense. + so intense i could not handle them. + + the positive emotions were easy to use constructively. i was an + overachiever, tried my hardest at everything. brought home straight As + for years, tested at 99-100 percentile academically, won presidential + awards numerous times. i was in the most advanced classes the district + would allow me to take, going to my special classes, on the short bus, + where we would take things apart, invent things, be observed while + doing puzzles. i was also cutting myself, punching holes in doors (the + foam core ones.. i was 8..), and having blackouts. my mother tried to + have me committed when i was 10, they wouldn't take me. i went to live + with my father instead. + + my stepmother was elated that she had a little girl to do stuff + with. i was a girlscout, did crafts with her for the christmas sale at + school, even went out to dinner with her the day I got my first period. + my dad was doing well, had a successful career, and regularly took me + to all the cool places in the bay area. my little sister was like my + little doll. i continued to excel in school, winning spelling bees, + math and history competitions, as well as filling up the little bar + graphs on the state comprehensive tests. up to par. i hadn't had any + sort of episode the entire time. then, my stepmother decided to + separate from my dad. i was about to go into 7th grade. + + she moved to oregon, i opted to remain with my father. i rarely + saw my dad after she left. he worked, i went out (11:00 curfew), he was + asleep when I came home, gone when I woke up. we both liked this just + fine, for a while. i had drawn the attention of a guy at school, one of + the harder gangsters. i heard rumours about him 'claiming' me. one + night he got me. after that, at school, people looked at me + differently. i would walk to class while people talked, sometimes + behind their hands, sometimes for all to hear, about the girl that gave + it up to adrian. i went home and dragged an X-acto knife across my + wrist. stupid move. not only did i do it the wrong direction, but i + couldn't cut deep enough to do more than make a big ugly scab. i was 12. + + i gave up on the knife and gathered every pill in the house. i + swallowed them with a Quik Stop cup full of water, then laid down to + await my fate. after a while i felt like i had been chewing on foil, + and my stomach was cramping. i puked up white grit then passed out. + the next day i awoke to the phone. school wanted to know why i wasnt + there. i said i was sick. i sounded plenty sick. the edges of my vision + was decorated with what seemed to be black lace, and i felt like my + ears were full of water. i freaked out and called a suicide line to + see if i had eaten enough pills to die. i hadn't. i panicked and tried + to strangle myself with a phone line. it hurt, and i passed out, though + not from lack of oxygen. i stayed home for a week, and my hearing was + still fuzzy for a while after i went back to school. only one person + noticed the scab. she didn't say anything. + + within two months my dad realized something was not right with + me, and while listening in on my phonecalls learned that i had slept + with a guy in my neighbourhood. he put me in the car and 9 hours later + i was under lockdown (by my parents) at my stepmother's. i tried to + tell them what happened and was called various names, same names i + hear from people i don't know today. i discovered drugs. heroin. the + soothing smoke. i ratted out my dad for fucking some chick, out of + spite. the entire household became chaos. my stepmother moved us into + a house her boyfriend (nice politics, eh?) had bought her. she ditched + him, brought my dad into the house, fucked the ex on the side, and + tormented me for the trouble. my dad was threatening suicide. one + morning, before school, i got all of my sister's sleeping pills, + swallowed them dry, and slept. + + i woke up because i hit the floor. i had very little muscle + control and managed to get out to the hallway and fall down the stairs. + my stepmother was home and yelled at me, asking why i was home. i + couldn't speak. i studdered, forgot what i was saying as i tried to say + it, and convulsed. she freaked out and demanded that i tell her what + was wrong. i produced dozens of empty pill blisters and she helped me + to the car. i faded in and out on the way to the hospital. liquid + charcoal, tubes, and six hundred dollars later, i was ready to go home. + the hospital was used to it and didn't have time for psych evaluations. + my older sister worked the pity party for as long as she could, but + when people saw i didn't care, they didn't either. other shit happened, + and i left home. i was 14. + + i moved in with a boy, young and stupid like me, with a house of + his own. we played Donna Reed for a while, but he soon felt the wrath + of my temper, and my fists. thank god he never hit me. i stayed with + him for a couple years, hating and adoring him all at the same time. + we got in a car accident and i had to go home to my dad and stepmother. + nothing changed, except i was on crutches. i left again 3 months later. + on the street for a month and a half, then back to the ex for another + year. i left him for someone else. now, he and i would have had 2 + children. + + my new love and i went to see my mother for the first time in six + or seven years. he was a recovering heroin addict. he never touched it + while we were together, but when he left my mothers to go to his family + he started again. i couldn't deal with the fighting and i stopped + speaking to him. he was the last person i hit. i couldn't handle the + violence anymore. i became incredibly subservient and tried my hand at + other failed relationships (big surprise), and failed attempts to find + something to hold on to. + + now, i remain in what i like to call 'constructive apathy'. i may + seem like an uncaring, unfeeling bitch, but at least I am not hitting + anyone. i am still trying to put my life together and make friends that + I can count on to be there, not judge, be honest, and hopefully, not + die on me. i once again have the will to live, and the desire to do + more than merely exist. + + "i sentence you to be exposed before your peers..." + + I am human, I make (a lot of) mistakes, and sometimes I get + overwhelmed. I didn't write this to be picked apart, though I expect it. + I didn't write it for pity, I wrote it to possibly be understood. or not. + none of you matter to me unless I want you to, anyway. I wrote this on + my terms, because I wanted to. if you have a problem with it, tell + someone who cares. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #434, WRITTEN BY: MEENK - 1/15/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0435.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0435.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..98e23699 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0435.txt @@ -0,0 +1,57 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #435 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Insistence of Meaning" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Neko !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/15/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + ...And it hit too close to home. I refused to ignore it anymore + even though it was obviously expected of me. + + "No." + + ...And I can't anymore. Can't be right, can't be wrong, can't do + good, can't do bad. Can't think. Can't feel. Can't know. + + "No." + + ...And I don't anymore. I don't feel. Completely numb. My + stomach churns rapidly at the thought. But nothing comes of it. I + wonder if anything ever did. + + "No." + + ...And I still wonder. There is a future. It's not vmeste, + obviously, but if not s nei, s kem? + + "No." + + ...And I guess time will go on. And I will lick my wounds and + return to the battleground that is life. But I don't want to. Not this + early. + + "No." + + ...And I am supposed to be friends. But it's quite a change. I + was a friend to begin with. But it progressed. Now I suppose it has + regressed, although I don't quite feel it. Deal with it. + + "No." + + ...And I wonder how. How. HOW? + + "No." + + ...And maybe there is a yes out there for me. Just maybe. + + "No." + + ...And sometimes the things you have don't make you happy. But + do the things you don't have make you happier? + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #435, WRITTEN BY: NEKO - 1/15/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0436.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0436.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..67cfdf71 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0436.txt @@ -0,0 +1,62 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #436 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Only in Quebec" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Anjee !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/15/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + You all probably know how retarded French Canadians are, and the + purpose of this t-file is to prove you all right. Not only do they + have the IQ of your average house fly [(c)Satan], but myself and a few + other humans have witnessed their idiocy. Here's what we found: + + Jesus on pipes: + =============== + + While wandering in malls located in the outskirts of Montreal + around Christmas time, Jesus was spotted sitting on a chair + playing the pipes while a 800 pound white dog rested peacefully + a few inches from the claimed Jesus' feet. + + + Sunflower people: + ================= + + Walking at the Old Port in Montreal on hot days can normally + lead to craving cold substances, such as ice cream. As myself + and 4 other people were headed towards an ice cream store, we + were suprised to see approximately 5 to 6 fully grown men and + women dressed up as sunflowers. This caused a friend to order + cheesecake on his ice cream cone. Exposure to such craziness + is fatal! + + AnonGirl: + ========= + + On weekends, if you find yourself to be near any bar, you may + have the opportunity to view this exibit for yourself. Anon, + dizzy and discoordinated from the excessive consumption of + alcoholic beverages, has often been seen attempting to direct + herself to her home, to get on IRC to expose her drunken self, + then promptly heading to bed. But she's not french, she's just + nutty. + + French Rappers: + =============== + + Displeased with their rejection from the rest of the country, + and the USA, these wannabe's try to blend in with the rest of + the world by using music. However, these rappers are not black, + are French, and can't rap. They're really stupid too. + + That's pretty much all I can remember, I think the stupidity + runs in the water. So if you are planning to make a trip to Quebec, + please arm yourself and be ready for anything. And I mean anything. + Unfortunately, I must live with this every day. Pity me. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #436, WRITTEN BY: ANJEE - 1/15/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0437.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0437.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..a21197c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0437.txt @@ -0,0 +1,75 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #437 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Boogiemen Are Scary" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Aster !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/15/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + this is about boogiemen. they live in voids and wind and dark. + there are many different kinds that do many different scary things. + + there is the standard, run-of-the-mill kind that comes on dark + and windy nights to little kids windows. these ones have no name but + they are the most commonly known. + + the soul-eating kind + ==================== + + these are the most most dangerous, but don't worry, they are very + rare. since the great oblig defeated most of them in a battle many + thousands of years ago since then they only come out on the very very + very worst nights and only prey on the certain people that they chose + their henchmen and spys are the invisible harmless kinds. + + the furry kind + ============== + + the furry kind is espeacialy evil because it has all the cute + little furry animals as it's friends and helpers. so beware of bunnys, + kittens, puppies... big feirce bears are much better to become friends + with of dinaosoursa or something of that not-furry-cuddly sort. + + the kart-wheel kind + =================== + + you can eat these ones. they are yummie. they taste good in + crab cakes or grillled chesse sandwhiches, but becareful that you only + use a special trap when you kill them because otherwise they will swallow + you whole and yucky poo. + + the blue kind (with orange eyes) + ================================= + + they're bad cause blue is yucky. they are pretty harmless... + they cannot see you unless you are wearing orange. + + the invisible harmless kind (the only harmless ones) + ==================================================== + + they are spys for the yucky bad kind that eat your soul. beware + they cannot hurt you but can tell the bad ones where you are. + + the ping-pong-ball kind + ======================= + + these ones are very veyr veyr rare you can only find them in + three places: thailand, LITTLE TINY BOXES VERY VEYR TINY AND the + packages for certain ed gorey books but they can poke your eyes and ears + and mouths and kill you. + + the hijkljfiuwefns kind + ======================== + + not much is known about these. + + they came from the moon but like to live here better. it is + paradise for them here. they like to eat apple pie and apple juice and + apple crisp and anythign apples. they also like beet juice. they like + to poisen orange juice that people drink. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #437, WRITTEN BY: ASTER - 1/15/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0438.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0438.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..bf4f0568 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0438.txt @@ -0,0 +1,108 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #438 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Alcohol Discoveries On Electrifying" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> M4D 3LF !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/15/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I went drinking with my mom and my mom's boyfriend on Christmas + Eve. Don't ask my why, I knew they were going to do their best to get + me drunk. I started off with a Mountain Dew, I was trying to play it + cool, but I had good reason to get fucked up so I moved on to Zima (no + Hooch, damn). + + After I had three Zimas they brought out the 100 proof fire water, + I was feeling pretty tipsy (yeah, I'm way a lightweight) but I still had + the brains to say "No way". After a bloody mary and two beers? Well, + let's just say that I lost my instinct of self-preservation. I downed + a double shot of the fiery concoction and slammed the glass on the bar. + My throat burned and coughed out a slurred, "Did they go they go over to + the gas station to fill my glass?" Ha ha. Two more beers, one more + double shot, I was dancing with death. Mom was driving back to her + boyfriend's house; her boyfriend hanging out the passenger door, me + hanging out the sliding door, puking our guts, and anything else we + had, out. + + I woke up on the bathroom floor, dazed, with the most awful taste + in my mouth. To paraphrase Stephen King's "The Stand", I felt as if a + baby dragon had been using my mouth as a training potty. Christmas was + uneventful, but I was glad not to have a hangover, only an uneasy nausea + anytime anyone mentioned shots or fire water. + + Later on that week, I was reading Anjee's t-file, "Electrifying + Discoveries On Alcohol", (HOE #389) it reminded me of my recent + experience with alcohol and my experiences with electricity. Being a + lover of all things electronic, I've been electrocuted a good many times. + None sticks out in my mind as the time I was replacing the turntable on + my Admiral console stereo. It wasn't a problem to remove the back panel + and I was soon rewarded with the beautiful sight of cris-crossing red, + blue, and orange. I quickly located the screws holding the turntable's + suspension to the main unit and removed them, Charity, my wife, watching + disapprovingly. I then turned the turntable over and examined the + underside in better light, tracing the audio wires from the amplifier. + Tugging lightly where they met the unit, I found they were connected with + standard RCA type plugs, but the power wires were soldered to the unit + and had to be cut. Leaning over the top of the console, I was hanging, + upside down, stripping the wires with my teeth (boy I need a wire + stripper) when my forehead came in contact with the other wire, + completing the circuit. + + /| + / | + / | + / | + / | + / | + / / + / / + / / + / /___________ + / / + ZZZZZZZZZZ AAAA PPPPPPPPPP + ZZZZZZZZZZ AAAAAA PPPPPPPPPPP + ZZZ AAA AAA PPP PPP + ZZZ AAA AAA PPP PPP + ZZZ AAA AAA PPPPPPPPPPP + ZZZ AAAAAAAAAA PPPPPPPPPP + ZZZ AAAAAAAAAA PPP + ZZZ AAA AAA PPP + ZZZZZZZZZ AAA AAA PPP + ZZZZZZZZZ AAA AAA PPP + /__________ / + / / + / / + / / + / / + | / + | / + | / + | / + |/ + + + I fell to the floor in a crumpled mass, paralyzed, my wife + standing over me saying "Steven, Steven!", shaking me. When I regained + control of my motor skills the only thing I could do was laugh at + myself, of course Charity thought I was joking and proceeded to yell at + me for scaring her. I got up slowly, shook my head to clear the cobwebs, + and fell back down. I tried to console Charity, but my tongue wasn't + working with my mouth, the dynamic duo just couldn't get it right this + time. She was now convinced that I had fried my brain, but I rose to my + feet again, unplugged the stereo, and finished what I was doing. + + So, what are my thoughts on shots of 50% alcohol vs. sticking + your tongue in a electrical socket? I'd choose to stick my tongue in a + socket again. Although the effects of electrical shock are pretty + short-term, you don't get the hangover and nausea you get with alcohol. + Plus electrocution is relatively easy to obtain; a shot of 100 proof + alcohol could run you in excess of $3, more if you're under age, while + there's sure to be an open electrical socket where ever you are. The + best reason of all, however, is the fact that you can scare the living + bejesus out of your friends, relatives, or significant other. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #438, WRITTEN BY: M4D 3LF - 1/15/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0439.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0439.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6ea07a4f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0439.txt @@ -0,0 +1,62 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #439 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Confetti On Your Head" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mogel !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/15/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Greeting people with the traditional "what's up?" or how "how are + you?" has become increasingly more of a default, it seems. This might + sound stupid, but why bother asking if you don't care? I realize this + could be one of those polite phrases that doesn't *have* to require an + answer... but for some reason asking a non-rhetorical question and not + expecting an answer seems silly. The worst part, though, are the + answers that people do give. It's almost always the same. + + "What's up?" + "Not much." + + "What's new?" + "Not much." + + "How're you?" + "Fine." (or, alternatively "Good" or "Okay".) + + The other day, when walking with my sister, she spotted one of + her friends. They both said "What's up?" at the same exact time, and + neither of them even answered the question. Am I the only person on + the face of the planet that finds this odd? + + It's even gotten to the point where if people actually answer + the question with anything other than the above phrases, they are + considered weird. For a while I would tell people honestly how I was + doing or what was going on if they asked. You'd be surprised how many + people were shocked that I actually answered. + + This wouldn't bother me if I didn't have to deal with with every + other person I run into on a daily basis. Once, as an experiment, I + tried this on my friend: + + Mogel: "What's up?" + Friend: "Not much." + Mogel: "No, really. What's up?" + Friend: "Not much!" + Mogel: "C'mon, there has to be something!" + Friend: "NO, NOTHING IS UP." + + Rather than the oh-my-god-that's-witty literal humor response of + "the sky!" (or "the ceiling!"), I decided that a more effective way to + deal with the problem is that when people ask "What's up?" I will + respond by screaming "PARTY!", and throwing a handful of confetti over + their head. + + They will be surprised and excited by the fact that something + truly is going on... a party! That's right, throw a little spice into + a common, empty question. It's a party! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #439, WRITTEN BY: MOGEL - 1/15/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0440.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0440.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b5818711 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0440.txt @@ -0,0 +1,82 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #440 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Ignorant Guardian" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Trilobyte !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/15/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + i have completely unknowingly managed to alienate everyone. + me, being the pathetic thing that i am, and me, being a granite figure + guarding the entrance to the place of all that is good. before, there + was some chance of someone entering and finding what is good. + unfortunately, now, that is not the case. i don't know why, but + everyone's too scared to come anywhere near me, so i stand near the + gate, lonely. + + while standing there, i look at the ground or at the gate. i + used to survey the good things inside. that was back when people still + weren't too afraid to enter. but now that nobody ever seems to pass by + me, or come near me, i find it too depressing to look in there because i + know that nobody will ever see what's inside. + + i don't know if anybody is still in there. it seems like it's + been so long since anybody has gone in... maybe everyone who went in + became so old that they died. i can't get that old, i'm made out of + stone. kinda depressing, if you think about it. but don't think about + it too long, because you might realize that i'm really not all that bad + of a guy and you've been avoiding me for this long for no reason. + + you see, that is everyone's problem. they can't think about + things for long enough anymore. they think about something and then it + disappears from their head before they can figure it out. + + that's just one of the problems with people today. + + people just don't know anything. they may think of me and fill + up with hatred. but they don't know why! they don't bother to wonder + why they hate me. i am just made of stone. but people hate me all the + same. that's completely irrational. that's pure ignorance right there. + + well, what the hell. i'm going to go inside the place. + + ok, there's nobody around. there are trees, video games, books, + old cars. oh wait... there's a lady. i'll walk over to her. + + she's running away from me through the tall grass. + + i'm yelling at her to come back. no, she's still running away. + + oh, haha, she tripped on a stereo. ok, now i've caught up with + her. i ask her how she's doing. she just looks at me. what? my arm + just moved. my arm fell down quickly. fell down right quick. oh, + there's a sword in my hand. my sword cut through her body. whoops. + ehem. i will return to my post by the gate. + + wow. that was not so good. there are some nearby people + looking at me. when they my gaze meets theirs, they turn and run away + from me. why? why do these people constantly fear me? what have i + done? i don't understand. there are still some people looking at me. + my left arm lifts up and its gun aims at them and shoots, knocks down a + couple of them with a few shots. + + maybe i should return to guarding the gate to the place with lots + of good stuff. i just remembered how much i like it in there. there + are good books, and old cars and things. everything that's good in this + world. why don't more people come to visit? why are people so scared + of me? + + i look at my feet. it's beginning to rain. i like the rain. it + helps plants to grow. the cement sidewalk i'm standing on becomes a + dark gray color. nobody's anywhere. people are so ignorant. they + don't understand. they just don't know what they're doing. they're + missing out on someplace great, just because they're scared of me for + some stupid reason. + + is it because i'm made of stone? + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #440, WRITTEN BY TRILOBYTE - 1/15/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0441.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0441.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..32a4fae6 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0441.txt @@ -0,0 +1,45 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #441 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "K-R4D vs. Emoticons :)" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl & M4D 3LF !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/18/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + |<-R4D: 1 b d4 3l1te h4x0r cr4x0r ph3x0r s3x0r3st mutha phuka + d0nt m4k3 m3 hax0r y0 punk a55 5ki11it + + Emoticons: :( + + |<-R4D: y0 m4n d0nt fux0r wit m3 1 g0t d4 m4d skillz + 1 b g3ttn r00t on y0 a55 d3n it b rm/ rf + ph34r m3 1 sex0rd y0 mama wit my TRS-80 + + Emoticons: >:( + + |<-R4D: fj00 1 t0l y0 n0t 2 fux0r wit m3 1 b pullin my elite expli0t5 + i b DoSn y0 punk a55 + i bl0w y0 bitch a55d win95 sh1t to d4 fl00 + + Emoticons: + ** < + \\ OO w + \\ *OXXO* w + \\ OO w + \\ O W=====\ + >> --oO X | + // O M=====/ + // OO m + // *OXXO* m + // OO m + ** < + + |<-R4D: m0mm33! + + Emoticons: :) + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #441, BY PHAIRGIRL & M4D 3LF - 1/18/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0442.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0442.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..c24eff24 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0442.txt @@ -0,0 +1,136 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #442 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "News Flash: Women Are Not Helpless" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Nitro-187 !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/18/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with a friend of mine + whose opinions I usually hold with a lot of regard. I was completely + aghast when he started talking about how strip clubs were degrading to + women and ought to be shut down. Then I started thinking about how just + about everyone I know who has a somewhat liberal frame of thinking + agrees with just that. There are even bands in the hardcore community + that seem to convey the message that women in pornography and such + things are complete victims being abused by a patriarchal society. I + think that this idea is extremely flawed and dangerous. It just + reinforces the idea that women are helpless. + + By buying into that line of thinking, you are completely ignoring + a woman's right to express and make a living in any way she sees fit. + You wouldn't want a blind person to drive frieght trucks, but you would + want someone who had a clear head and was free from any kind of + emotional problems to operate on you. Women who are physically + attractive or considered to be appealing in a sexual way who want to + strip or prostitute themselves are no different. Job skills. The + arguement is that men who see women stripping and patron prostitutes + are only viewing them in a sexual manner is completely pointless. I + seriously doubt that people who say that are interested in the + personality or the life history of the person who is waiting your table + or pumping your gas. They are there to serve you and nothing else. + + The anachronistic notion that a woman has to maintain her + virginity and remain "clean" dates back to a time when women were + considered as nothing but property. No matter what, their ideas and + intellect were completely ignored and they had no material possesions to + give to a man. She only had her virginity. While there still is a lot + of sexism and inequality going on, women are treated better here and now + than they have been in any Judaic or Islamic society. So the idea that + a women has only her sex to give is obsolete. + + The idea that sexuality is inherently wrong is the single largest + opressor of women. The first recorded civilization, the Sumerians, not + only gave women complete sexual freedom as did men, but worshipped them + as goddesses. Women were the givers of life. They were allowed to + transact in the market place and own property just as men did. In fact + it was because of this that civilizations first alphabet and scriptures + were devised by a group of women who were more or less the government of + the province called the Naditu. Sex was not understood to impregnate + women, it was not considered to defile either the male or female. It + was just another recreational activity. It was not until the isrealite + cult of judaism gained power and destroyed the greatest city in the + world at the time, Babylon, that their ideals of shame were inflicted on + the masses. The male dominated tribe's main scriptures dealing with + creation ended with a woman tempting a man into comitting sin and + displeasing the male god. Her punishment was the pain of child birth. + + Doh. + + Throughout their scriptures women are a great temptation and + should be avoided. Since women tend to be less physically strong than + men they were quickly subdued and made into property that meant little + more to men than cows or chickens. Since the sexual urge is the + strongest natural biological reflex, they knew that if sexuality could + be controlled than you can control every facet of someone's life. So + extensive sexual laws were put into place. Their blood was upon them, + you know the speil. + + Today if you will look at modern nations. The contrast that + existed between Sumerian-Babylonian (their cultures were very similar, + they both worshipped the same goddess, "Ishtar") and the Isreali + cultures is still in place. Denmark, where anyone regardless of age + can purchase a Hustler Magazine and get into a strip club has strict + laws to prevent discrimination of women. The rates of domestic + violence, rape and other such crimes is among the lowest in the + industrialized world. Fundamentalist cultures such as that of Libya and + Lebanon have no pornography at all. They also are the most opressive + nations in the world to women, I'm sure you know that in these countries + women are not allowed to own anything, to drive a car or even in most + cases to show their faces to a man the is not their husband. A similar + situation exists in Singapore, where the neo-fascist People's Action + Party (who reminds me a great deal of the _Orwellian_ Party) places all + kinds of restrictions on literature and media to produce a "clean" + image. Penthouse is banned and so is Red Book. Nudity on any image + that is not that of a classical form of art such as Michaelangelo's + _David_ is generally banned. Singapore has a huge problem with rape + and other crimes against women. + + Any research you do on the correlation between pornography and + violence will always point you in one direction: PORN DOES NOT ENCOURAGE + VIOLENCE. If anything it quells the desire to commit various sexual + acts that are not acceptable by most people such as pedophilia, + beastiality and rape. Kiddie porn is readily available in Denmark, + child molestation is pretty non-existant. In the United States, where + it is extremely illegal, we'll hopefully you get my point by now. + + I'm sure you've heard televangelists speak of how the AIDS virus + is the wrath of God. If you were to analyze the situation you'd find + out this: + + _CHRISTIANITY_ IS THE MAIN CAUSE OF AIDS. + + Neo-Puratanism, Victorianism and these type of attitudes that + were held by most of the officials in the U.S. Governement at the + time... and _they_ are responsible for the widespread of the virus. At + the time, heterosexuals tended not to get the new "Gay Cancer". It was + pretty much segregated into certain populations such as Hatian + prostitutes and patrons of gay brothels in larger U.S. cities such as + New York and San Francisco. If these populations were quarantined and + research was done on them to find out the origins of the disease, then + it would not be killing millions every year. It shouldn't have been + difficult, look at how much they knew about Patient Zero and everyone + that he had sexual relations with. Of course, that didn't happen + because politicians were more interested in maintaining the favor of the + puritans who vote for them, and doing anything at all to associate + themselves with sexual deviants like prostitutes and homosexuals would + damage their career. In the later part of the 1980's, when more + research was conducted and it was determined that blah blah blah -- + _that_ should have been the end to illegal prostitution. Government + does regulate damn near every industry. Regulating prostitution to + where they had to use condoms similar to the way that doctors have to + wear gloves would cut down on new AIDS cases significantly. Of course + that's contrary to the nature of the people of this country and + probably will never happen. It's just an idea. + + i'm sure you've noticed a recurring theme here: PURITANICAL IDEAS + ARE THE BASIS FOR SEXISM, THEY ARE OBSOLETE. ANYONE WHO EMBRACES THEM + IS UNABLE TO BREAK THE CONDITIONING THEY HAVE RECIEVED FROM SOCIEY. IF + PURITANISM WAS OBSOLETE LIKE IT SHOULD BE, THEN ELLEN DEGENERES WOULD NO + LONGER HAVE A CAREER. NOW _THAT_ WOULD TRULY BE A BETTER TOMORROW. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #442, WRITTEN BY NITRO-187 - 1/18/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0443.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0443.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..16d9002c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0443.txt @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #443 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Purple" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Tasha !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/18/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Purple is my favorite color. Actually, lavendar is, but that's + part of the "purple family", so it all works out nicely. Either way, I + want everything to be purple. I have a really pretty purple pen that I + save just for drawing on the letters I write to people, because, even + though I'm not very good at it, I like to draw, but that's besides the + point. And what's the point? I have no fucking clue, but I think it + has something to do with the color purple, which is, as you already + know, my favorite color. Purple reminds me of..I think it reminds me + of preschool, but I didn't like preschool, so then how would purple be + my favorite color? Maybe it reminds me of some imaginary idea of + preschool which is all finger painting and eating paste, or something. + Finger painting using mainly the color purple, I might add. + + But that's not the important part, the important part is that + I'm slightly color blind, and what is purple to me is blue to everyone + else. I think that constitutes as color blind. Either way, I'm going + to live my whole life thinking blue is purple, and thinking purple is my + favorite color. Then, I'll tell everyone that purple is my favorite + color, and maybe they will judge me on my favorite color, and judge me + wrong, because I think blue is purple. And my grandma was supposed to + tell me that purple is really blue, but she forgot, and she won't + remember until she is on her death bed, and by then it will be too late. + She'll croak and little, with all these veins and needles running into + her body, and say something like "purple is really blue, tasha." And to + her it will be the most innocent comment ever, sort of like a duty, you + know? But then she won't realizing that she's ruining my whole world! + Because my room is purple, and my room is my whole life, as you may very + well know. And then I won't have a life anymore, or, rather, I will have + a life but it won't be the right life because I've been living under this + misconception of the color purple. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #443, WRITTEN BY TASHA - 1/18/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0444.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0444.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1221ca88 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0444.txt @@ -0,0 +1,68 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #444 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Understood" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mutter !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/18/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + To be misunderstood you must first understand yourself. Let's + face it, I have no idea why I do the things I do. Therefore, since I can + only be either understood or misunderstood (and since I'm not + misunderstood) I must be understood. Understand? + + To appreciate writing you must first familiarize yourself with + the concept of bulldada -- the principle that tells us that something + can be so bad that it's good. Right now this must be fucking incredible. + + A game. A game within a game. Silver Monopoly pieces on + Broadway Ave. playing a hardy game of chess on a board relatively + miniaturized. And the pawns on that board gather round the center to + play a game of cards. Oh, look. A straight flush. The puppet master + himself has strings which are inconspicuously attached to his limbs. He + concentrates on only his part, his role to play. He is unaware of the + things he is unaware of. + + "Thank you for this prestigious award. I'd like to thank the + losers -- I couldn't have done it without you." + + oh shit I'm bleeding; did someone shoot me; eh, doesn't matter; + congratulations; you got me right in the heart; + + "I never enjoyed walking because I always had somewhere to walk to." + will someone please kill my tv; the numbers keep scrolling; my neighbor + bought one today; there's nothing wrong with it; when he gets mad he + turns purple; so are his veins; purple; I'm lactose intolerant; but you + already knew that;; FOR LIFE!; stone faced men with glasses and bad + bow ties; a flag can't wave on the moon; FUCK THAT -- we'll use sticks + to hold it up; American ingenuity at work; + + I'm an excellent judge of character... that's why I hate most + people. + + i used to play a mute but now i can scream; + + "I'm what?!" said the outraged man to his former employer. + "You're fired." + He stood there for several seconds quivering with rage. + "Ha!" he finally blurted out. "This place won't run a single day + without me!" -- and he was right. + The next day the police said they suspected arson. + walking an ugly mutt with a missing leg; sad faced bitch; jack and jill + climbed capitol hill to get corrupted by liberty; jack fell down; he + sued jill; she tripped him; + + Truth? There is no truth in the traditional way of defining it. + And, if this is to be believed, than this itself is untrue. + + an old bum with a broken crackpipe and a lost dog; ain't lost + no more; the old sentinel fell asleep at the wheel; hit a tree; or maybe + it was the tree who feel asleep; dreamt it was a car; a classic story + we've never seen but have heard before; forever; no more; free fall to + white walls and bad food; delayed reaction; click bang + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #444, WRITTEN BY MUTTER - 1/18/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0445.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0445.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..fecf741a --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0445.txt @@ -0,0 +1,75 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #445 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Legalize Suicide or Change!" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> AltRocks !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/18/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I think our country is very burried in contradictions. In this + one I'll focus on one specific contradiction. The Constitution and Bill + of Rights prevent anyone from having cruel or unusual treatment imposed + on them by the government. They also allow the death penalty, thus + saying saying that death is not cruel or unusual. Yet, for some odd + reason, they outlaw suicide. This seems to be in conflict to me. + Seriously... think about it. I can think of many people who's lives are + cruel and unusual, not even considering those in 3rd world countries, the + homeless, or the severly ill. I think if genetics, social structure, or + even god, if you believe in one, has deemed that almost the entire + population of adolescent America be suicidal, who are we to argue? + + We've seen this many times in history. Antigone, the ancient + greek tradgedy deals with the subject of Man's Law Vs. Gods' Law (The + Greeks' Gods), or fate if you will. It never ends well for the human + population. At least not those affected by the laws in question. I + pose this question to you: On a planet with over 6 billion people, + that's 6,000,000,000, and a country where supposed free will, democracy, + and personal rights prevail, do they outlaw such a humanitarian action? + Anyone that went through public school in the past few years knows what + it's like in there. That's bad enough. But if you actually show a + glimmer of talent, natural ability, or real intelligence and find the + work they give you menial, demoralizing, and aboce all spiteful to you + in general, and hence refuse to do it, they deem you a slacker and a + waste of space. Now hold up. This is a peaceful means to and end. If + one such as myself or anyone else that notices this would ever get fed + up with it, and an actual revolt took place, you'd have some of the + brightest, most intuitive teenagers, in their prime, against the rest + of America's school system. + + I'm sure anyone of prominance that suffered the same thing and + is now a grown adult would stand with us on that one. It would be the + dumb people Vs. the 'gifted' people. And I'm sorry if I sound a little + egotistical, but with no class lines, government lines, or rules, you + will lose. Period. But I stray from my topic. If you can get some + sense of what I'm talking about, and realize that that's not what I + want, then you have two choices. + + 1: Legalize suicide. Sure many people consider it immoral, but + obviously not the people that would use this law. Otherwise + they wouldn't use it. Plus it would be a grand release for + thsoe of us forced to go through such systems as the one + above, belittled, held back, and even disciplined for their + talents. It's much more humanitarian. To quote Kurt Vonnegut, + "None of us ever asked to be born anyway." + + 2: Change the school system/social structure around. Yeah, it's + a bit harder, but if the welfare of the general public is at + stake, I think we can all do a little adjusting, and maybe + even in the process, start turning out some highly intelligent + people, like we used to. + + If you don't like what I have to say, then you just don't get it. + If you sympathize with what I'm saying, or just want to comment either + way, e-mail me at altrocks@op.net. I'm not writing this out fo spite, + or hate, or anythign else. I just think it's about time someone said + what needs to be said, and maybe even get some attention drawn to the + subject. + + And whether you agree with me or not, please, pass this along to + as many people as you can. Thank you. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #445, WRITTEN BY ALTROCKS - 1/18/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0446.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0446.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..574c5316 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0446.txt @@ -0,0 +1,46 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #446 !! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: "My Fucking Ex-Roommate" !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: *or* !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: "Part Two of I Need a New Roommate: !! + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: I'm Getting a New Roommate" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Cyn 1/18/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + So, I get a call today from someone who's considering moving + into my room. And I'm like, "Uh, I already have a roommate." And + they're like "Really? Because Res Life gave me your number." So I say + "Oh? Could you call me back when you talk to Res Life and tell me + what's going on?" So about five minutes later, I get a call from Res + Life. Turns out my now ex roommate is moving into South after she gets + back from Winter Break. Of course, she didn't feel obligated to tell me + this. I had no fucking clue. It's not as though her moving out is + going to fucking affect my life at all. + + It's ironic, because the one thing Liz had going for was that she + was at least polite. I mean, sure, she smoked out in here constantly, + her deadhead friends were in here all hours of the day and night, she + liked shitty music, but at least she had common curtesy going for her. + But no, apparently she's not even polite enough to mention the fact that + she's moving out. It would be far too much trouble to be like, "Hey, + Cyn, I'm moving me and all my hippy shit out of your room so you can be + happy now." + + The fact that she's moving out is actually a blessing, and should + make me ecstatically happy, but at this point I'm too fucking angry at + her to even be able to access those feelings. If it was possible for me + to trek to New Hampshire or where ever the fuck she's busy studying + "herbal medicine" and beat the shit out of her, I would. Unfortunately, + that would just result in one very angry, lost girl wandering around New + Hampshire or possibly Massachusetts, since I have no fucking idea where + she is. + + !!========================================================================!! + + Okay, it's two days later, I no longer care, I just want this + hippy shit the fuck out of my room. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #446, WRITTEN BY CYN - 1/18/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0447.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0447.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e1dec599 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0447.txt @@ -0,0 +1,131 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #447 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "A Log of Boredom" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Avenger !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/18/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + you are sitting in a room. there is a desk in the room, and a + door to the left. The paint is chipping, from where you nibbled it. + to the south is a door. you remember how pathetic your life is. + + > south + + you walk to the door. my. a door. + + > sigh + + you sigh. no one cares. + + > look + + you see a door. the door is a strange beige color. + + > open door + + you open the door. you see a hall to the south, a stairwell to + the west. + + > west + + you are in a stairwell. the stairwell smells of human waste and + new cars. human waste and new cars block the stairs up. the stairs + down lead, well, down. + + > down + + you trip down the stairs, eventually falling near the corpse of a + businessman. his cold hand still clutches a briefcase, and a picture of + his family is sitting there. A wife, 3 kids. You cry for his pathetic + ass. + + > get briefcase + + you grab the briefcase. curious as you are, you open it. inside + you find some technical papers, a remote control for something, and a + laptop. + + > use laptop + + The laptop bootts up, and you decide to play StarCraft. oh boy. + + > zerg + + you go zerg. dragoons flood into your peon line. you lose. + + > smash laptop + + you smash the laptop, sending silicon flying in all directions. + + > look + + you see a corpse, rotting; shards of silicon; a picture of some + lame people; and a door to the east. + + > get shards of silicon + + you pick up the shards of silicon. + + > inventory + + shards of silicon + technical papers + remote control + + > east + + you amble outside. people walk the street. it is snowing + outside, and your bare feet are cold. to the west, a door. to the east, + a street. to the south, a strange political convention. to the north, + a group of hippies. + + > piss + + you piss onto the snow, attempting to write your name. you fail. + + > north + + the hippies mutter something about TV. you ignore them. + + > read technical papers + + you read the technical papers out loud. one hippie says "down + with the system! yeah!" you ignore him. + + > south;south + + you are at a political convention. a man begs for your vote. + + > piss + + you piss onto the man. he is unhappy. + + > piss + + you cannot piss. + + > help + + you have no piss left. + + > look + + you are at a political convention. politicians mill around. one + smells of piss. to the south, a busy street. to the north, a section + of sidewalk. to the east, a wall. to the west, another wall. + + > south + + you amble into the street. an oldsmobile flattens you. you die + in the street. game over. + + play again? + + > nope + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #447, WRITTEN BY AVENGER - 1/18/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0448.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0448.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..15c80a0f --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0448.txt @@ -0,0 +1,60 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #448 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "What I Did During My Winter Break" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Girl From Mars !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/18/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Winter break is generally a much-anticipated time in the life of + a college student. Finals are over, and it's time to vegetate! Winter + break is a time to see all your old friends from high school as well, + and talk about old times. It's a time to do all the stuff you couldn't + get done during school, and maybe even get a job to make some money for + when you go back. Well, my winter break was like nothing i've ever + experienced. Of course, I did my share of vegetation (rarely) and + catching up with old friends (before they went on lovely trips to warm + places without me,) but I did one thing for the majority of my winter + break. You want to know what I did? Huh? You wanna know? All right, + here's what I did... FUCKIN' DISHES!!! + + In my temporary home (long story,) there is a dishwasher, but we + use it to STORE our dishes, not wash them. Every morning, I awoke to + a sinkful of dishes, used for that morning's breakfast and thoughtfully + left for my washing pleasure. Most of the time, my parents and brother + had inexplicably gotten who-knows-what stuck to the dishes and of COURSE + they don't believe in soaking. How in the hell do you get whatever + you're making on the outside of the pot? I spent 20 minutes today + scraping hot cereal off the outside of a pot, and it motivated me to + write this. As I scraped and scraped, I started to have flashbacks to + a past life, past life as a serving wench in a medieval English + ale-house. I know my past life as a skivvy has supplied me with mad + diswashin' skillz, but why do I have to do it all the time? I know I'm + just being a whiny bitch, but it's ridiculous! + + Do you know what washing dishes all day does to your hands? I + was a little disgruntled when one of my fingers got so dry it fell off, + but I kept on truckin' because I knew if I stopped the dishes would + just pile up like mad and I'd get in trouble. When the second finger + fell off, I complained, but my parents told me that losing fingers + doing dishes builds character. Always searching to build character, I + spent some more days a-washing. + + After a while, I realized that there was a simple solution to my + digit-loss problem. I set to washing my dishes that day, and I got + really into it, pulling my sleeves up all the way and getting soaked up + to my shoulders. My arms got so dry from the soap and hot water that + they suffered the same fate as my fingers. Armless, I awaited the + evening. When night came, I popped my microwaveable pillow in the + microwave for longer than the recommended time. As I slept that night, + my microwaveable pillow resting on my chest, all its stored radiation + worked its magic. The next morning, when I woke up, I had two arms + again! Fuckin' brilliant! + + Well, that's what I did on my winter break. Jealous? + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #448, WRITTEN BY GIRL FROM MARS, 1/18/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0449.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0449.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0cfa5f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0449.txt @@ -0,0 +1,86 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #449 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "My Brother's Friends" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> AnonGirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/18/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Having a twin brother can sometimes mean sharing friends in the + same age group. It's happened a lot in my case, which isn't so bad + because they just see me as Audrey, and not as my brother's lame + older/younger sister. However, in the past two years, my brother has + brought home a very interesting array of people he calls his friends. + I felt the need to write about them, so shut up and read. + + The names in this article have been changed to cover my ass. + + First, there's Martin. He started hanging around my house over + two years now and has basically become another member of my family + since he's here more than he is home. In fact, I think he lives here. + He hasn't left my house in a good month or two, and was even here on + Christmas. My mom and grandmother bought him gifts, and he got us some + gifts. Although I don't know where he got the money considering he's + been here, unemployed, this whole time. He's a pretty cool guy. He + brought his computer here so now I have a kick-ass computer and a + decent 15" monitor instead of my piece of shit 486/33. So he's a good + guy. However, he's asked me out five times in the past two years and + it's getting REALLY GOD DAMN ANNOYING. I really hope he doesn't read + this. + + Then there's Shane. Shane is a good-looking mack-daddy who also + started hanging with my bro two years ago. He has a girlfriend, but that + doesn't stop him from messing around with other girls behind her back, + including his friends' sisters. Hrm. He's a smooth-talkin', + jive-walkin' mack-daddy. He smokes me for free something, so it's cool. + + Not that you can buy my love with drugs. + + Booze, maybe. + + Harry is the poor kid of the group. My mom takes sympathy on him + and buys food that he likes. I think I'd be embarassed if someone's + mother did that with me. I wouldn't want to be pointed out from my + friends as the pity case who has a terrible life. I dunno, that's just + me. + + Paul is stranger than the others. He's younger than everyone, + doesn't go to school but manages to score weed by the pound. Whenever + he's here and walking by me or something where I'm in the vicinity, he + stares at me. I don't know why, and he doesn't stare for long. Little + meaningful glances here and there. I don't know why he stares, maybe + it's because he doesn't know me as well. Maybe he can hear me wonder + about how he gets $9600 for pot and isn't even in school. He doesn't + work, or deal anything, I know that much. I know it's none of my + business, but if someone who is more of a bum than ME scores pounds of + weed... I'd like to know the secret, too! + + Sam is the destined criminal of the group. Already being fined + with grand theft auto, though dismissed, his fate definetely holds some + jailtime for him. Sam once tried to prove his alcoholic testosterone to + me by chugging a mickey of Jack Daniels, but it didn't work and he spat + up all over my basement instead. + + I first met Keith in my driveway at 3am one Saturday night in + the summer. I was stumbling out of a cab, drunk, and he was smoking a + joint with my brother. He's got really nice hair and eyelashes (it + really REALLY pisses me off when a guy has nice hair and/or eyelashes. + Why the FUCK should they get that without styling it or V05ing it or + wearing mascara?!) I've only met Keith twice, so I can't really say + much about how he is just yet. + + Last but not least, there's Richard. Richard is the freak + 12-year-old mentality guy who gets kicks out of farting directly on + someone's nose and jacking off at any given moment, in public or + private. Luckily I've never been around for one of his episodes, I + don't think I could deal with that. Fortunately my brother and his + other friends think he's rather strange, so he's not around that much + anymore. + + I don't know how some guys live with themselves. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #449, WRITTEN BY ANONGIRL - 1/18/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0450.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0450.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..21d8e4dd --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0450.txt @@ -0,0 +1,221 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #450 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Obituary for IM2K" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> AIDS !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/18/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + "i ache. ultimately, in the end you realize that all this going + to happen anyway, so you just lose hope. the internet hype will + explode a jillion times more than it is today, even more people + will hop on "the net." we'll see a whole slew of of + commercialisation, legal battles, and media stores. we can only + pray that ultimatly (sic), after all this change has taken place + that will happen over the next ten years and onward, that the + internet will still be relatively "free." i imagine that i'll + still be along for the ride, as depressing as it is." + + - IM2K, dto #002 + + Ah, long may you live to regret that last statement, IM2K, + because we can all picture you gunned down in the hot San Diego night, or + stabbed into bloody ruins in some abandoned Tijuana alleyway. The method + is, as all specifics, an unimportant thing. To me at least. All that + matters is that you're dead. You never lived on to see everything you + predicted in that piece of prophecy come true. You knew the truth, + though, and your survivors have to live with Prodigy and AOL having full + internet access, and the blight of an ever inflating USENET, where the + static to noise ratio is out of control. + + Ah yes, IM2K, though I didn't know you, I mourn you, because from + reading your excellent old school HOE FILE about chat boards, (#74 for + your archivists out there) I understand you. When you write, "I think + it's slowly dawning on me that I'm actually NOT funny and I only amuse + myself," you write for me, and you write for all the other pathetic + gimps out there who spend pointless amounts of time saying stupid + non-sequitors and random strings of nonsense. We get the joke, even if + no one else does. + + Other people in HOE have died, Ashtray Heart, for example, but + their losses aren't felt like yours. They weren't there during the + Golden Age of HOE, #51-90, and they weren't part of the genuine magic. + + I hear something outside right now, so I'll have to go + investigate it, but when I come back, I'll continue writing this + obituary and memorial to you, IM2K. + + [Enter Ghost] + + Hor. Look, My Lord, it comes! + + AIDS. Oh priets and nuns who enjoy the charity of Heaven, defend us! + Are you carrying good stuff from God or evil stuff from Hell? + Be thy intents good or charitable? + Your shape is mighty strange. + I'll talk to you, man, and I'll call you IM2K + King, HOE writer, American legend. O, answer me! + Don't let me bust a nut in this ignornance, but tell + why your interred bones, hearsed in death + Came out of the grave like zombies in Micahel Jakson's "THriller" + Why the sepulchre has let you free without any narration from + Vince Price. Whay may this mean, that you, nebulous HOE jackass + again in cum stained tshirts and filthy jeans + Returns the moon's shine, making the night real ugly like, + and us mortal folk, Shake in our britches, + With thoughts that normal people shouldn't be having? + Say, why is this? Wherefore? What should we do? + + [Ghost beckons AIDS] + + Hor. It beckons you to go away with it, + As if it some impartment did desire + to you alone. + + Mar. Look with what courteous action + It waves you to a more removed ground + But do not go with it! + + Hor. No, by no means! + + AIDS. He's gotta talk. Then'll I go with him. + + Hor. Do not, my lord! + + AIDS. Why should I be scared? + My life isn't worth jack, + and for my soul, it ain't go power over that, + since it's just as immortal as it itself? + It waves me forth again. I'll follow it. + + Hor. Don't go! Please! We need you here in HOE! + + AIDS. It waves me still. + Go on. I'll follow you. + + Mar. You shall not god, my lord. + + AIDS. Get your god damned dirty paws off me, ape. + + Hor. Be Rul'd. You shall not go. + + AIDS. I've got to do it. It is not coincidence that on this + night that I was writing IM2K's obit. his vizage + should appeare to me in such ghastly forms. + Unhand me, gentlemen. + By heaven, I'll make a ghost of him that lets me! + I say away! -- Go on. I'll follow thee. + + [Exeunt Ghost and AIDS] + + Hor. He waxes desperate with imagintion. + + Mar. LEt's follow. 'Tis not fir thus to obey him. + + Hor. Have after. To what issue will this come? + + Mar. Something is rotten in the scene. + + Hor. Heaven will direct it. + + Mar. Nay, let's follow him. [EXEUNT] + + [Scene V. Warwick. AIDS's back yard. Another part of it.] + + [Enter Ghost and AIDS] + + AIDS. Where the hell are you taking me? This is only a suburban lot, + you dig? Speak! I'm not going anywhere else! + + Ghost. Mark me. + + AIDS. I will. + + Ghost. My hour is almost come. + When I to sulph'rous and tormenting flames + must render myself up. + + AIDS. Shit! Your poor fucking guy! + + Ghost. Pity me not, but lend thy serious hearing + to what I shall unfold. + + AIDS. I'm gonna listen no matter waht you say, chief. + + Ghost. So art thou to astonishment, when thou shalt hear. + + AIDS. What? + + Ghost. I am IM2K's spirt. + + AIDS. I was just writing a HOE file about you... + + Ghost. I know. I am doom'd for a certain term to walk the night until + you wrote such a file. By writing it, you have released me, + and I must tell you the truth. + + AIDS. Could anyone have written the file or just me? + + Ghost. Ah, you wisely introspect. You suspect it now, don't you? + + AIDS. I suspect nothing. + + Ghost. BUt you just saw ANGELHEART, starring one-time Cosby Kid Lisa + Bonet and Robert DeNiro and Mickey Rourke. Surely the plot was + not wasted on you? + + AIDS. I thought it was a trifle underdone. The end came upon me too fast + for a real enjoyment. + + Ghost. I AM IM2K! WHEN I SUGGEST YOU EXAMINE SOEMTHING YOU SHALL DO IT! + + AIDS. I don't get it. + + Ghost. While you have been spending all your time trying to get soybean + to drop her drawers so that you may plunge your invading fingers + into her sticky cunt, I have been rotting in eternal damnation + waiting for you to write this file! + + AIDS. Uh... sorry + + Ghost. I am here to tell you, before I go into the ether for good, that + you, AIDS, are my reincarnation. The reason you feel such a deep + resonance with HOE #74 is because you wrote it, before you + embraced the painful, bright lights. The Thodol Bardo taught you + well when you were me, and you became you. + + AIDS. Why must I know this now? + + Ghost. Because it is all preordained! We are like pieces of the + chessboard. Not even good ones, like the queen or the rooks, but + rather bishops or knights, whose movement is encumbered and + limited. + + AIDS. You still haven't answered my question. You know, for a dead guy, + you're awful prolix. + + Ghost. I can't answered your question. You just need to know. Soon it + be discovered. + + AIDS. OK. Cool, can I go back to writing our obituary now? + + Ghost. Aye. + + AIDS. There's the rub! + + !!========================================================================!! + + Well, I'm back. Let me say, I was a good guy back then, I was a + funny guy back then. My files were tight and smart and oh so disparaging + towards teh idiots who were invading my precious homeland, once known as + Elsinore, but now called the Internet. + + We were all lucky to know me. + + THE END. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #450, WRITTEN BY AIDS - 1/18/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0451.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0451.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..cfb986a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0451.txt @@ -0,0 +1,244 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #451 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Karaoke" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/21/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + Q: What has the potential to make a drunk look even stupider + than the time they did cartwheels naked in the bar parking + lot for $20? + + A: Karaoke. + + It was the night of the Dubuque Wendy's employee Christmas party. + We were all a little skeptical, considering our manager Kim had chosen a + karaoke party this year, as opposed to our ritual bowling parties that + had grown boring yet familiar. Still, after hearing that there was a bar + in the Knights of Columbus hall we had rented for the occasion, spirits + seemed to brighten just a little. If nothing else, the kids could goof + off and the adults could get a decent buzz going and enjoy themselves. + Someone was bringing Trivial Pursuit in case the management (and anyone + else) got bored. + + I, on the other hand, was becoming oddly excited, anticipating + the occasion. Upon hearing of the liquor availability, I made it my + personal mission to make sure every last one of my co-workers could + attend and watch me make a complete ass out of myself. Hell, I told + them, if nothing else, come to watch me be stupid. That'll be + entertaining enough to make up for the fact that you're underage and + can't get plowed off your ass as surely as I would be. And for some, + this was enough to do the trick. + + I decided to drag my brother along, as he was most likely going to + be a future co-worker of mine, since the pay was good and the work was + simple. We loaded up in a tiny LeBaron, driven by my manager Nancy's + husband, who was to get us all home safely in our drunken states. Six of + us, all crammed in as uncomfortable as could be, to hang out with the + same irritating faces from work to listen to them sing karaoke. I + promised Trudy, the slow girl who just turned 21, that I would buy her + her very first alcoholic drink: a wine cooler. She was scared. And in + some social circles, I could be considered scared, too. + + Upon our first arrival, a few people were there, milling around + the food table. I avoided my ex. I chatted up with some ex-co-workers + of mine who were long since working at our newest franchise store that + opened almost two years ago. I casually deduced from conversation that + the bar was dirt-ass cheap. And so, after a little food and speak, I + worked my way over to the bartender. The rest of the night could only be + classified in how many beers I had consumed. + + Beer #1: + + I was mildly hyperactive to begin with that night, and Jenny, a + friend and co-worker, shared my anticipation. We had talked a few days + earlier at work about singing some songs together, and so she came over + to me with a songbook from the karaoke people. Some people from the + other store had already taken over the machine; sounds of white-boy _Baby + Got Back_ and off-key _Bohemian Rhapsody_ rung throughout the hall. My + beer was almost finished when we decided on _The Right Stuff_ by New Kids + On The Block. It was a too-perfect way to begin the night. + + We were the fourth people to step up to the mics. With not even a + light buzz yet, I could feel my stage fright creeping up. However, I + remembered that I worked with these people on a daily basis; I couldn't + possibly make a bigger ass out of myself in front of them than I did + every other day of the week. The music started and laughs and groans + came from the crowd. Jenny and I semi-quietly jammed our way through, + dancing a little and genuinely looking like we were having fun, as + opposed to the extreme fright I was feeling. But we did it. And on the + way back to the bar, I got a few compliments. I knew then that I had to + start chugging. + + Beer #2: + + We got ahold of the book again, and my brother and I tried to + find something funkadelic. They didn't have "Brickhouse". Nothing from + Parliament. We flirted with the idea of doing "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm", but I + decided I would sound utterly retarded. Travis wanted to do Cameo's + "Word Up", but nobody would've had a clue but us. In the meantime, + another friend and co-worker, Matt, proposed I do a rap with him. We + picked a good one, alright, and he took the little piece of paper up to + the karaoke people. Jenny stopped over to say she wanted to sing a song + for Patti, another co-worker, and I filled out a slip of paper for that + one, also. Travis and I continued looking, and I finished my beer. + + Beer #3: + + Kim ran into me in the bathroom. She already had a really, really + good buzz going and was very distraught over turning 30 later this + month. I felt really bad for her. Hell, I don't ever want to turn 30. + I could never get away with the shit I was doing tonight when I turn 30. + I told her it would be alright, and made the rounds, talking to a few + other people. + + After a few minutes, Kim pulled me over and said, "Are you gonna + come up and sing with us?" All the managers (except our general + managers) were heading up to the podium, and I inquired as to what was + the occasion. "We're singing 'Take This Job And Shove It' to Jim and + Steve," she replied. Oh, I was game. I quick bought myself a wine + cooler and crowded around, singing that timeless anthem to our bosses. + + That wine cooler went really fast after that. I gave Trudy a + taste to see if she thought she could handle it. She was so embarassed. + I was amused. + + Beer #5 (Counting that wine cooler): + + Trudy and my friend Sarah sang "Wing Beneath My Wings," and + everyone slow danced. The other store had pretty much been karaoke hogs + up to this point, and Travis and I finally picked a song and decided to + get it in before they completely took over. I promised Trudy that wine + cooler after she got done singing; however, Matt and I got called up for + our little rap right after their song. + + I really, really should've thought about some of the songs I was + singing before I chose them. But by now, I had a really nice buzz going + on so it didn't matter. Matt and I had chosen Tone Loc's ever-so-tasteful + "Wild Thing," and I was having a little too much fun rapping about girls + on my jock and having to adjust my fly. Jenny and Nikki put on a pseudo + strip-show for us. Matt seemed to be enjoying myself. At that point, + the alcohol was carrying me anyway. It was a blast. + + + Beer #6: + + I got Trudy that wine cooler after all. She was freaking; she + carried it around with her for hours, not drinking much more than a + little sip. + + Waiting for Jenny's and my song to come up, another co-worker of + ours, Tom, told me I should sing Alannah Myles' "Black Velvet". I had + lost my voice just days before and the entire night I was only working + on half my throat, and I said there was no way I could reach the high + notes. But he badgered me, reminding me there weren't any high notes in + that song, and that my voice was husky enough that it would sound killer. + I was also told that by the end of the day on drive-thru, I sounded like + a chick on a phone sex line. I got the number for Black Velvet and stuck + it in my pocket, doubtful I would have that much courage anyway. + + I nursed that beer for a while; I got the sudden and obscure urge + to dance. I don't dance. Ever. But, some wonderful, magical disco tune + came on and I just had to move my ass. That right there was a sure + testament to the fact that I had been drinking pretty decently. + + Beer #7: + + I was still dancing every so often. Jenny and I got up to sing + our song to Patti, "Down On The Corner" by Creedence Clearwater Revival. + I didn't know a single word to that song before we sang it, only the + melody. Hell, can ANYONE understand CCR? It was quite a revelation, I + must say. We eventually got Patti up to jam with us, which was + originally considered an impossibility. We had the whole place going; I + think Jenny and I were pretty much the only people in the whole place + who could actually carry a tune. By this time, however, I was getting + really rowdy, and when were were done, I was screaming "WHOOOOO!!" and + jumping up and down. To put it mildly, I was enjoying myself. + + Someone sang "I Think I Love You". Someone else sang "Dancing + Queen". Yet another person did "Mickey". It didn't matter how horrible + people were at that point; it was all so much fun and so hilarious. I + was dancing like a complete moron. Matt, my brother and I put in another + song request, this one for all of us including Jenny, Nikki, and Sarah. + I was heading to the bathroom more and more often. I was becoming + downright silly drunk. It was more fun than I needed to have, really. + + Travis and my song finally came up, and the crowd just wasn't as + hyper as it had once been. The familiar music of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" + began to blare behind us; there wasn't enough crowd reaction for us to + be fully satisfied. I picked up the mic and yelled, "ARE YOU READY TO BE + HAPPY!?!" A few laughs echoed from the people. I yelled again, "I DON'T + THINK YOU'RE HAPPY ENOUGH!!" Someone called, "I'M HAPPY!!!" My brother + topped it all of, booming into the mic with the voice of a large scary + german man, "_HAPPY!!!!_" We finally had their attention, and we rambled + off the song to happy faces. + + Beer #8 (although I admit at this point I was losing count): + + I finally decided I was drunk enough to put in that request for + Black Velvet; however, there was only an hour or so left of karaoke fun + and they had tons of requests before they would get to mine. That didn't + bother me; I didn't want to do it anyway. + + Elaine's husband got up and sang "Lady" to her. It was positively + charming; we were all really impressed. Some other girl got up and sang + on her own, too, although she was too quiet and nobody had any clue what + the hell she was singing. I was kind of wishing at that point that I + could've done my own song before them. I wanted to be the center of + attention. Of course, I was pretty much drunk enough at that point that + I didn't care how retarded I would've sounded. + + Some of the under-21 employees had me buying them beer. Hell, I + didn't care. Some of the other employees, who had swore they would never, + ever get up and sing, were putting in requests, although it was too late. + I would've lived and died to see Chad, Tom, and Dave sing "Welcome To + The Jungle" like they said they were going to. Alas, it was not to be. + + Our names were called to get up and do our big group song, and so + the six of us clamored up to the microphones, gathering around the + screen, ready to jam. One guy and two girls to each mic, the sudden + jolt of "Love Shack" thundered into my ears. And amazingly enough, + everyone in the place was really excited about the song we chose. + Travis and Matt executed near-perfect Fred Schneiderness, and between + the four of us girls who could actually sing, we had at least half of + the entire hall on the dance floor. + + "Your WHAT?" "TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN ROOF! RUSTED!!!" + + I almost completely lost my voice screaming that line. But + everyone looked like they were having so much fun, and I was having so + much fun, and I knew right then and there that the six of us had + carried off the best performance of the night. I wanted to cartwheel + everywhere. + + Beer #9: + + Karaoke winded down shortly after that; we had run out of time for + my song, my brother didn't get to sing "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)" + with Sarah, and many more performances were missed. Trudy had drank + approximately 1/5 of that wine cooler I had bought her hours before. I + got some glasses of ice from the bar and carried around a good two-thirds + of her wine cooler in one hand, my final beer in the other. I couldn't + speak right anymore. I was downright silly drunk. Jenny was inviting + people over to her apartment after everyone left, and Nancy and I took + her up on it. I stumbled around, hugging too many people and being way + too loud. And still, most of the people there didn't realize I was even + buzzing. This was all normal to them. + + I declared to Kim before we left that karaoke was now mandatory at + every crew party henceforth, as was a bar. I chased my beer down with + the wine cooler and got ready to leave. I gazed longingly at the karaoke + machine, so alone at the front of the hall. For one night, I finally had + sang in front of people, I danced with them, I had a genuinely good time, + and nobody thought I looked like a complete ass. I don't think I + could've asked for more than that. + + The six of us smashed back into the little LeBaron, headed to our + next destination, somehow a little less uncomfortable this time. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #451, WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 1/21/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0452.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0452.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..97c2fe48 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0452.txt @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #452 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "I Am Trying to be Clever" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Neko !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/21/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I don't need devushki anyhow. + + No sir, not me. + + But still as I kurit a bit more, I think about that devushka. + + She was the one, I thought for such a long time. She got me + started on the kuriting. As I smoke my pack a day-or-so habit, every + time I light up, how can I help but think of her. + + Maybe I kurit as an analogy. Every time I kurit it burns a + little bit more of that devushka out of golova. One day I'll be able to + quit and the devushka will have ushla ot my golova. + + Or not. + + I remember all the times we were vmeste and how they were very + horosho. Very very horosho. + + But I also remember all the times when things were ploho. Very + very ploho. + + But I don't need devushki. MNE NE NUZHNI DEVUSHKI! + + But I do. + + I hochu this devushku. I hochu that devushku. I hochu every + devushku. + + Almost. + + There are so many krasivyi devushki. But most of them are glupi. + But I find some that are not. They're smishni, they make me laugh. The + sound from my golos: "HA-HA-HA!" + + But they don't want me. They don't hochet Neko. + + Byednyi me. + + I'm trying too hard to be clever, prostite mne! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #452, WRITTEN BY: NEKO - 1/21/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0453.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0453.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..8a9dfa83 --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0453.txt @@ -0,0 +1,62 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #453 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "I'll Flip You For It" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Z !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/21/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + One thing about the human condition that I have always been + particularly struck by, is its enormous potential for being much like a + coin -- easily reconginizable by each side for what they are worth, but + two-sided none-the-less. + + Salesmen. (also known as sales people for those of us in + Generation X, the haven of political correctness... doesn't this second + name just make salesmen even more like a coin then the rest of us?) + + Anyway, salesmen. + + Ever work with any? I work with computer salesmen. + + Salesmen are the epotiomy of the human condition. In their real, + everyday, personal lives, most salesmen are extraordinarily giving of + themselves and of their earnings. They are there for their loved ones + in all possible ways -- to give a hug, or to pay the rent. But then, + come 9 am, they transform into something different. A vicious animal + which stalks "customers", examining their every move; gobbling their + every word; scrutinizing their every gesture in order to determine how + to play on mankind's desire to trust; how to walk hand in hand with the + "customers" ego -- making them feel knowledgable about keyboards, and in + need of a Intel Pentium II 450 XEON, a purchase which would allow them + to take their already existing knowledge, and AMAZING ability to learn, + and become a GENIUS. + + Despite these two separate identities housed in one carnal body, + each personality reveals the same thing about the "person" they comprise. + + What does it mean to give of oneself to another? If you "get what + you give", according the the golden rule we all have had drilled into our + fragile heads, doesn't it mean that a "selfless" giving of oneself is + accompanied by a subconscious desire to receive the same in return? In + essence, we do things for other's, and secretly put a check next to that + person's name in the little scorebook in our heads while whispering to + ourself "(insert name of victim here) Owes me now :)" + + As for the identity that exposes itself between the hours of 9 am + to 5 pm, with its deep comprehension of a person's weak points -- this + personality cares not for the individual on which they focus their + attention. No, this identity cares only of the money to be made by + another's ignorance (which, essentially, is what all jobs, including + specialized labor, rely on). Money which can be spent on another, and + returned in a form of a favor that "money can't buy". + + One thing about the human condition that I am particularly struck + by, is its enormous potential for being much like a coin -- easily + recognizable by each of its sides for being worth JACK SHIT. + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #453, WRITTEN BY: Z - 1/21/99 !! diff --git a/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0454.txt b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0454.txt new file mode 100644 index 00000000..95ecb63c --- /dev/null +++ b/textfiles.com/magazines/HOE/hoe-0454.txt @@ -0,0 +1,51 @@ + + '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! + ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #454 !! + #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! + ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== + ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Computers 'n Stuff" !! + ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> M4D 3LF !! + ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/21/99 !! + !!========================================================================!! + + I like antique crap... but updated antique crap. I once saw a + 193X Ford coupe. It was all decked out with electronic dash, tons of + power goodies. I'd take it, put a killer stereo in it, and drive that + fucker every day. I had plans for that console stereo I had, too. I + wanted to seal the speakers, add a cd player and dual cassette wells. + I like the way console stereos look. So that brings me my computers. + + I got my first computer as a hand-me-down from my dad in the fall + of '96. It's a 1987 Macintosh Classic II with 4 megs of ram, monochrome + CRT, and a 40 meg hard drive that my sister bought new for over $2000. + I used this computer as my main computer until I bought my lap top this + fall. I even used it online with a 2400 baud modem that I got last + spring. It's powered by Motorola's 68040 chip which is not too bad + considering it's the last SISC (non-PowerMac) chip put in Macs or their + clones. I even had an ImageWriter II printer for it that I found at + Goodwill for $2.50!! Up until the RISC native programs became the Mac + standard, the only software limitation I had was the lack of color + options...two color mode was all I had when 16 color greyscale would have + ran most anything I wanted. + + Goodwill is a great store for me. Not only did I find my console + stereo and my printer for $2.50, but lots of other useless crap. Another + favorite of mine is St. Vincent DePaul, aka Vinnie's. Vinnie's has two + Dubuqueland locations, downtown on Main Street and, what I call "Vinnie's + West", near our "suburb" Asbury. It was this second location that I + found my Apple //e. It came with Apple DOS floppies, a whole meg of ram, + and the infamous Apple SuperSerial card. For an extra $5 I even got a + color monitor! I'm unable to find any software to get my Apple online, + so I looked around for Apple //gs, but they're still popular, thus + overly-expensive. + + My newest toy is a TRS-80 color. I need to find some other + hardware and software for it, otherwise it's little more than an + over-sized keyboard. + + Well, I guess I've bored you all enough for one t-file, so I + guess I'll be going. But, remember kids, ya gotta catch 'em all!! + + !!========================================================================!! + !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #454, WRITTEN BY: M4D 3LF - 1/21/99 !!