mirror of
https://github.com/opsxcq/mirror-textfiles.com.git
synced 2025-08-31 20:11:50 +02:00
131 lines
6.2 KiB
Plaintext
131 lines
6.2 KiB
Plaintext
Page Length 88!!!
|
|
Dealing with Jehovah's Witlesses.
|
|
|
|
Saturday morning, 10 AM. I'm quietly conducting a Q-scan on this very board
|
|
when the doorbell rings. Leaving the Mac, I go into the hall and look out.
|
|
There is a middle-aged black lady standing at the front door with a bible in
|
|
her hand.
|
|
|
|
Jehovah' Witlesses.
|
|
|
|
OBOY!
|
|
|
|
I leap into action. Quickly donning a camo jacket, black beret and dark
|
|
sunglasses, and grabbing my battery-powered MP5k water machine pistol, I run
|
|
to the front door. They're still there. Good. I fling open the door.
|
|
|
|
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
|
|
JW: Good morning, sir-
|
|
Me: I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT! YOU WANT MY SOUL! WELL, IT'S TOO LATE, DO YOU HEAR?
|
|
I'VE ALREADY SOLD IT!!!!!(manaiacal laughter)
|
|
JW: But-
|
|
|
|
I slam the door, and pick up the mail. Looking up, I see that the STARK FIST
|
|
has obviously struck the poor woman; she's rooted to the spot. Laughing
|
|
maniacally once again, I spray the door with water. With a gasp, she
|
|
disappears.
|
|
|
|
With any luck whatsoever, I'll never be plagued by those idiots again.
|
|
|
|
I should mention the camo jacket was "Urban Camo" (various black, white and
|
|
grey splotches). Alas, the MP5K water pistol is in Water Pistol Heaven after it
|
|
dropped on the floor; however, I have a nice "Bullpup" model loosely based on a
|
|
Lazer Tag StarLyte which is picking up the slack, as it were. Oh, yes: The
|
|
above post originally apppeared on the Institute.
|
|
|
|
|
|
A few basic principles to remember here:
|
|
|
|
1) These are essentially decent (but woefully misguided and, in all
|
|
probability, none too bright) people out to Spread The Word Of The Lord.
|
|
Physical assault is right out of the question; even squirting water on them is
|
|
RIGHT OUT. You will note in the 1988 encounter, I sprayed the front door, NOT
|
|
the JW.
|
|
|
|
2) If you're feeling masochistic, you MAY wish to attempt to reason with them
|
|
and try to refute their arguments. This is easily as productive a use of time
|
|
as pissing up a rope. They have their faith; their faith is strong; therefore,
|
|
they are right and you are wrong. Don't bother.
|
|
|
|
3) As with other organisms, JWs react in a Pavlovian manner to external
|
|
stimuli. If you're polite to them (even to the extent of saying "Not
|
|
interested, thank you" and firmly shutting the door), they have experienced a
|
|
pleasant encounter with a fellow human being and, who knows, a future recruit.
|
|
If, on the other hand, you walk up to the front door stark naked and invite
|
|
them to a Black Mass in the basement, fondling your genitals all the while,
|
|
chances are they will react with disgust and not bother you any more.
|
|
|
|
4) A continuation of 1): As a rule, JWs tend not to be the Charismatic Saviour
|
|
type. Once you've scared them off once, they tend not to return. In a way,
|
|
this is disappointing, as I haven't had a chance to vent my spleen at a Jesoid
|
|
in public since that day in 1988.
|
|
|
|
|
|
With this in mind, here's a list of suggestions on dealing with JWs. With
|
|
imagination, you can come up with more, I'm sure...All of these gambits assume
|
|
you've been waken from a sound sleep on a Sunday morning, are somewhat unready
|
|
to deal with strangers on short notice, have some means of ascertaining that
|
|
you are in fact dealing with door-to-door religious fanatics and have prepared
|
|
to one extent or another.
|
|
|
|
1) The Paramilitary method. As described above. A good variation would
|
|
have you coming to the front door munching on a large piece of meat
|
|
impaled on a "Rambo" style knife. For extra effect, offer them some. The
|
|
Paramilitary method can either be played screaming style or in a low, intense,
|
|
"I just flew back from the Ho Chi Minh Trail and BOY, are my ARMS TIRED!!" sort
|
|
of voice. Think Jack Nicholson.
|
|
|
|
2) Out-rant them. Have a copy of the Book of the Sub-Genius handy. Read
|
|
selected passages from the Economicon. Point out some of the more bizarre art
|
|
and claim to have witnessed the Fighting Jesus tear himself OFF the cross and
|
|
start beating the Romans over the HEAD with it.
|
|
|
|
3) Open the front door bearing a boom box on your shoulder. For best effect,
|
|
you should play Devo, "My Way" by Sid Vicious or "Go To Hell" by Alice Cooper.
|
|
|
|
4) Invite them to an orgy (variation on 3), above). Same wardrobe.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
5) While physical assault is out, verbal abuse is perfectly acceptable. Dog
|
|
them down the block shouting that they support Nazi terror in the Vatican, that
|
|
a JW daycare center was shut down under suspicion of child abuse, that they're
|
|
in league with both Lyndon Larouche AND the Queen of England to flood
|
|
Kennebunkport, Newport AND Cape Cod with illicit heroin, Thorazine and
|
|
adrenochrome...use your imagination.
|
|
|
|
6) Using a pay phone and a false (but plausible) name (say, John R. Dobbs),
|
|
call 911 and tell the operator there are people ringing doorbells and trying
|
|
windows, doors and locked cars. The boys in blue will do the rest,
|
|
particularly if you sound desperate.
|
|
|
|
Like most other fanatics, JWs tend to regard adversity as spiritual exercise.
|
|
I say, let's help them exercise their spirituality to the fullest and BEYOND.
|
|
|
|
Major Matt "Hint for Hint 5): Think Radio Shack bullhorn. If you get one
|
|
which plays music, program it for the Nazi or Communist anthems..." Mason
|
|
|
|
|
|
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
|
|
|
|
Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
|
|
|
|
& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
|
|
Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
|
|
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
|
|
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
|
|
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
|
|
|
|
Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
|
|
arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
|
|
insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
|
|
|
|
Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
|
|
where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
|
|
|
|
"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
|
|
|
|
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
|